THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 A DUMB WIFE 
 BY ANATOLE FRANCE
 
 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 A DUMB WIFE
 
 "A genius at his zenith." ATHENAEUM. 
 THE WORKS OF 
 
 Anatole France 
 
 (In English) 
 
 A Complete Series is Being Prepared Under 
 the Editorship of Frederic Chapman 
 
 8vo. Cloth. Per volume, $1.75 net. 
 
 Descriptive Circular on Application 
 
 John Lane Company, New York
 
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 THE 
 
 MAN WHO MARRIED 
 A DUMB WIFE 
 
 A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 
 BY 
 
 ANATOLE FRANCE 
 
 Of the French Academy 
 
 TRANSLATED FOB MR. GRANVILLE BARKER 
 BT 
 
 CURTIS HIDDEN PAGE 
 
 Translator of Moliere and Ronsard 
 
 EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS 
 FROM PHOTOGRAPHS 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 JOHN LANE COMPANY 
 MCMXV
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1915, BY JOHN LANE COMPANY 
 
 All rights reserved, including rights of production and adaptation. 
 The dramatic rights-are controlled by Mr. Granville Barker. Appli- 
 cation for the right of production, whether amateur or professional, 
 should be made to the John Lane Company, 116 West S8d Street, 
 New York City. 
 
 Press of 
 
 J. J. Little & Ives Company 
 New York
 
 TO 
 
 LELLAH MCCARTHY 
 
 AND 
 
 GRANVILLE BARKER
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 The comedy of "The Man Who Married a 
 Dumb Wife" was written, or at least begun, 
 merely to entertain the members of the "So- 
 ciety of Rabelaisian Studies" at one of their 
 meetings. But it succeeded so well that it was 
 at once taken up by a regular theatre, the 
 Porte-Saint-Martin, in the spring of 1912, and 
 again at the Theatre de la Renaissance in the 
 autumn. 
 
 It is founded on a brief passage in the 
 "Lives, Heroick Deeds, and Sayings of Gargan- 
 tua and His Son Pantagruel," where one of 
 Rabelais' characters tells of a joyous incident 
 in his student days at the University of Mont- 
 pellier. This can best be given in the rich and 
 racy old English translation by Sir Thomas 
 Urquhart, who, in translating, somewhat en- 
 larges on Rabelais' version. 
 
 " 'Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, 
 welcome ! It did me good to hear you talk, the 
 7
 
 8 INTRODUCTION 
 
 Lord be praised for all. I do not remember to 
 have seen you before now, since the last time 
 that you acted at Montpellier with our ancient 
 friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, 
 Balthasar Noyer, Tolet, John Quentin, Francis 
 Robinet, John Perdrier and Francis Rabelais, 
 the moral comedy of him who had espoused and 
 married a dumb wife.' 
 
 " *I was there,' quoth Epistemon. 'The good, 
 honest man, her husband, was very earnestly 
 urgent to have the fillet of her tongue untied, 
 and would needs have her speak by any means. 
 At his desire some pains were taken on her, and 
 partly by the industry of the physician, other 
 part by the expertness of the surgeon, the 
 encyliglotte which she had under her tongue 
 being cut, she spoke, and spoke again; yea, 
 within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, 
 so fiercely, and so long, that her poor husband 
 returned to the same physician for a recipe to 
 make her hold her peace. "There are," quoth 
 the physician, "many proper remedies in our 
 art to make dumb women speak, but there are 
 none that ever I could learn therein to make 
 them silent. The only cure which I have found 
 out is their husbands' deafness." The wretch
 
 ymm 
 
 MONSIEUR ANATOLE FRANCE
 
 INTRODUCTION 9 
 
 became within a few weeks thereafter, by virtue 
 of some drugs, charms or enchantments, which 
 the physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf, 
 that he could not have heard the thundering 
 of nineteen hundred cannons at a salvo. His 
 wife, perceiving that indeed he was deaf as a 
 doornail, and that her scolding was but in vain, 
 sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad.' 
 
 " 'Then, the doctor asking for his fee, the 
 husband answered that truly he was deaf, and 
 so was not able to understand what the tenour 
 of this demand might be. Whereupon the leech 
 bedusted. him with a little, I know not what, 
 sort of powder, which rendered him a fool 
 immediately, so great was the stultificating vir- 
 tue of that strange kind of pulverised dose. 
 Then did this fool of a husband and his mad 
 wife join together, and, falling on the doctor 
 and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and 
 bang them, that they were left half dead upon 
 the place, so furious were the blows which they 
 received. I never in all my lifetime laughed so 
 much as at the acting of that buffoonery.' ' 
 
 It was probably this brief passage in Rabe- 
 lais that suggested to Moliere, who knew his 
 Rabelais thoroughly, two of the best scenes in
 
 10 INTRODUCTION 
 
 the third act of his "Doctor by Compulsion." 
 But Moliere has entirely changed the charac- 
 ters, their relations to each other, and the 
 whole setting of the incident; he has made the 
 dumb wife into a daughter, who only pretends 
 to have been struck dumb temporarily in order 
 to escape from marriage with a rich old man. 
 The pretended doctor, who "cures" her, is a 
 secret agent of her lover, whom he brings along 
 with him disguised as an apothecary. But 
 Moliere uses to full advantage the situation 
 after the "cure"; for the young lady recovers 
 her speech only to assert that she will have none 
 of the old man, that she will marry no one 
 except her Lysander, that she will on no con- 
 sideration obey her father or even for a moment 
 listen to him; she speaks, "so loud, so much, so 
 fiercely, and so long," that her father in despair 
 calls on the doctor to make her dumb again, 
 only to receive the same answer as the husband 
 in Rabelais' story. 
 
 Whether there ever existed such a play as 
 Rabelais describes and Moliere imitates 
 whether Rabelais drew the story from his capa- 
 cious memory or from his equally capacious 
 and riotously creative imagination can prob-
 
 INTRODUCTION 11 
 
 ably never be known. But there ought to have 
 been such a play; it might even serve as a per- 
 fect type of the mediaeval drama ; it is actually 
 needed by the scholarly seekers after Moliere's 
 and Rabelais' sources ! And since, if it ever 
 existed, it has now been lost, Monsieur Anatole 
 France has been good enough to re-create it 
 for us. 
 
 Monsieur France is not primarily a drama- 
 tist. In fact, in his abundant production of 
 many kinds, there are in all only three or four 
 brief plays. But in whatever he turns his hand 
 to he is always a clever craftsman and a master 
 of French style at its best which is, of course, 
 the best in the world. And whether he is 
 writing a novel, or sketches of provincial or 
 Parisian manners, or politics, or criticism, or 
 incidentally turning to modern or mediaeval 
 drama, he is always a satirist of society and a 
 sociable satirist. 
 
 In "The Man Who Married a Dumb Wife" 
 his social satire is thoroughly up-to-date, deal- 
 ing as it does with subjects which are "of all 
 time," such as the high cost of living, the ser- 
 vant problem, the tendency to extravagance, 
 the fashions of to-day and to-morrow, the wis-
 
 12 INTRODUCTION 
 
 dom, and the pretensions to wisdom, of the 
 medical profession, the loquacity of the ladies, 
 and so on and so on it is remarkable how 
 much he has got in, and how little he has left 
 out. Much of it is done in the broad, mediaeval 
 manner, as when he exhibits the enormous sur- 
 gical instruments of the doctors who take good 
 care "not to be caught unarmed by a patient," 
 or when he follows with entire faithfulness the 
 simple outlines of the plot as given by Rabelais ; 
 but everything is as delicately worked out in 
 detail as Monsieur France's own work cannot 
 help being. He has used the language of 
 to-day, without any artificial help from the 
 "marry-come-up, 'sblood, 'sdeath, and go-to" 
 style, which our too easily historical novelists 
 and dramatists so blithely resort to ; yet he has 
 perfectly reproduced the tone and spirit of 
 mediaeval comedy. 
 
 It should be added that Mr. Granville Barker 
 in his production has achieved exactly the same 
 kind of doubly artistic effect, in his broad, sim- 
 ple outlining of the whole conception and dec- 
 oration, and his minute and delicate attention 
 to every detail of the groupings, intonations, 
 costumes, postures, and colouring. The "dec-
 
 INTRODUCTION 13 
 
 oration," designed by Mr. Robert E. Jones, has 
 been best described by Mr. Woolcott: 
 
 "What you see in the single setting is 
 the front of Master Botal's house, look- 
 ing out toward the . . . but was the 
 Pont-Neuf built then? Your view is of 
 the interior of one of the rooms and of 
 the street in front. It is a gray and 
 black background, simple, flat, slightly 
 conventionalized in design, and unob- 
 trusively serviceable to the movement of 
 the quaintly clad figures in front of it, 
 and to the splotches of plain, vivid 
 colouring that the costuming involves. 
 All these are right and contributory, 
 from the black hose of the agile and 
 amative secretary to the buttercup gown 
 of Mistress So and So who goes mincing 
 insufferably by, with her lackey literally 
 dancing attendance. Robert E. Jones, 
 the young American disciple of the 'new 
 school,' who did the decorations, is to be 
 congratulated. What is produced by 
 his work and by every line and posture 
 of the play the contributions are in- 
 distinguishable is a rich flavour of 
 fanciful medievalism." 
 
 Every detail of the movements of the char- 
 acters against this background has been
 
 14 INTRODUCTION 
 
 planned even more carefully than is usual in 
 good dramatic production, so that at any and 
 every moment when the spectator thinks of 
 looking for it he will find a well-composed pic- 
 ture on the stage. Yet the rollicking farce- 
 comedy seems to go all the more rapidly for 
 this careful planning. I have tried to carry 
 over into the printed text some sense of these 
 details, without too much slowing-up the move- 
 ment or blurring the picture, by giving enough 
 additional stage directions adapted from Mr. 
 Barker's prompt-book, to suggest the manner 
 of production. All such additions to M. Ana- 
 tole France's text are enclosed in parentheses. 
 It only remains to express my hearty thanks 
 to Mr. Barker both for the use of his prompt- 
 book and for many other generous courtesies; 
 and to Mr. Cecil Sharp for his kind permission 
 to print the music which he has so aptly 
 adapted to the songs and street-cries. 
 
 C. H. P.
 
 MR. GRANVILLE BARKER
 
 FACING 
 
 PAGE 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 "Good gentlemen and ladies, we 
 pray you to forgive the au- 
 thor all his faults" . . . Frontispiece 
 
 Monsieur Anatole France ..... 8 
 
 Mr. Granville Barker 14 
 
 "Enter Catherine" 36 
 
 "Now we are here, shall we go see the pa- 
 tient?" 46 
 
 "Mademoiselle, you arouse my interest" . 72 
 
 " 'Tis delicious ! I can't hear a thing" . 90 
 
 "Oh! She has bitten me!" 92
 
 PROPERTY PLOT 
 
 Doctor's Telescope 
 
 Gilded Flasks 
 
 Gilded Glasses on wooden 
 
 Tray 
 
 Curtains to work 
 Books 
 Bookcase 
 Parchments 
 Distaff on Bookcase 
 Tome 
 Red Step-Ladder 
 
 1 Chair 
 
 2 Baskets for Alison with 
 Chianti Bottles 
 
 Gold Cloth (draped over 
 
 balcony) 
 
 Table with white Cover 
 Black Quill 
 Inkwell 
 
 A Chickweed Basket 
 
 A Watercress Basket 
 
 Cane for Blind Man 
 
 Cane for Maugie 
 
 Case containing four large 
 instruments 
 
 Form in front of Table 
 
 12-ft. Bench below Bal- 
 cony 
 
 Covered Basket 
 
 Sand Box 
 
 Water Pitcher 
 
 Rebeck and Bow 
 
 1 Broom for Sweep 
 
 Spectacles 
 
 Candles on a String 
 
 Statement for Fum6e 
 
 Tapestry Frame 
 
 Gilded Vial for Powder
 
 First Production for the Stage Society, 
 
 Wallaces Theatre, New York City, 
 
 January 26, 1915. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS 
 
 Master Leonard Botal, Judge . . O. P. Heggie 
 Master Adam Fumee, Lawyer . . Edgar Kent 
 Master Simon Colline, Doctor . . Arnold Lucy 
 Master Jean Maugier, Surgeon . Lionel Braham 
 Master Serafin Dulaurier, Apoth- 
 ecary Ernest Cossart 
 
 Giles Boiscourtier, Secretary . . Horace Braham 
 
 A Blind Fiddler Cecil Cameron 
 
 Catherine, Botal's Wife .... Lillah McCarthy 
 
 Alison, Botal's Servant .... Eva Leonard-Boyne 
 
 Mademoiselle de la Garandiere . Isabel Jeans 
 
 Madame de la Bruine Ruby Blyth 
 
 The Chickweed Man Edgar Roberts 
 
 The Watercress Man Gerald Hamer 
 
 The Candle Man Hugh McRae 
 
 Page to Mademoiselle de la Ga- 
 randiere . . Edmond Banks 
 
 Footman to Madame de la Bruine Manice Lewis 
 
 First Doctor's Attendant . . . Richard Cort 
 
 Second Doctor's Attendant . , Gerald Gardener
 
 PERSONS OF THE PLAY 
 
 MASTER LEONARD BOTAL, Judge. 
 MASTER ADAM FUMEE, Lawyer. 
 MASTER SIMON COLLINE, Doctor. 
 MASTER JEAN MATTGIER, Surgeon and Barber. 
 MASTER SERAFIN DULAURIER, Apothecary. 
 GILES BOISCOURTIER, Leonard Botal's Secre- 
 tary. 
 
 A BLIND MAN. 
 
 CATHERINE, Leonard Botal's wife. 
 ALISON, Leonard Botal's servant. 
 MADEMOISELLE DE LA GARANDIERE.
 
 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 A DUMB WIFE 
 
 ACT I 
 
 A large room in JUDGE LEONARD BOTAL'S 
 house, at Paris. 
 
 Left: Main entrance, from the rue Dau- 
 phme; when the door is open, vista to 
 the Pont-Neuf. 
 
 Right: Door to the kitchen. 
 
 At the rear of the stage: A wooden stair- 
 way, leading to the upper rooms. 
 
 On the walls are portraits of magistrates, 
 in gown and wig, and along the walls, 
 great cabinets, or cupboards, full of 
 books, papers, parchments, and bags of 
 legal documents, with more piled on top 
 of the cabinets. There is a double step- 
 ladder on castors, with flat steps on 
 19
 
 20 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 each side, used to reach the top of the 
 cabinets. 
 
 A writing table, small chairs, upholstered 
 arm-chairs, and a spinning-wheel. 
 
 (In Mr. Granville Barker's production, 
 the street is shown in front of the house, 
 instead of being concealed behind it; so 
 that the chimney-sweep, the chickweed- 
 seller, the candle-man, etc., pass across 
 the front of the stage. 
 
 The street door of the house opens on a 
 hall-way, from which a door leads off to 
 the kitchen, and a short stairway leads 
 up, in a direction parallel with the front 
 of the stage, past a double lattice win- 
 dow open to the street, to an upper 
 room in which most of the action takes 
 place. 
 
 This room has a large balcony and win- 
 dow-seat, and stands entirely open to 
 the street. The writing-table, book- 
 case (instead of cabinets), and step- 
 ladder are seen within it. There is a 
 bench or form, long enough to seat two 
 or three people, in front of the table. 
 A door at the right rear corner of the
 
 A DUMB WIFE 21 
 
 room is supposed to open on a stairway 
 leading to the rooms above.) 
 
 SCENE I 
 
 GILES BOISCOURTIER, ALISON; later MASTER 
 
 ADAM FUMEE and MASTER LEONARD 
 
 BOTAL. 
 
 (Giles is discovered sitting on a small form 
 m front of the table; on the rise of the 
 curtain he turns to the audience, bows 
 in flamboyant style, and then sits down 
 again, with his back to the audience. 
 
 The CHICKWEED MAN goes by, callmg: 
 "Chickweed! Chickweed! Good bird- 
 seed, good birdseed, good birdseed for 
 saale !" 
 
 Enter ALISON, with a large basket under 
 each arm. She curtsies to the audience. 
 GILES, as soon as he spies her, runs to 
 the street door and stands quiet beside 
 it, so that she does not notice him. As 
 she starts to enter the house, he jumps 
 at her and snatches a bottle from one 
 of the baskets.)
 
 22 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 ALISON 
 
 Holy Mary, don't you know better than to 
 jump at anybody like a bogie-man, right here 
 in a public place? 
 
 GILES 
 
 [Pulling a bottle of wine out of the other 
 
 basket.] 
 
 Don't scream, you little goose. Nobody's 
 going to pluck you. You're not worth it. 
 
 (Enter MASTER ADAM FUMEE. He bows 
 to the audience.) 
 
 ALISON 
 
 Will you let the Judge's wine alone, you 
 rascal ! 
 
 [She sets down her baskets, snatches back 
 one of the bottles, cuffs the secretary, 
 picks up her baskets, and goes off to the 
 kitchen. The kitchen fire-place is seen 
 through the half -open door.] 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 (Slightly formal in manner and speech at 
 first.)
 
 A DUMB WIFE 23 
 
 Is this the dwelling of Mr. Leonard Botal, 
 Judge in civil and criminal cases? 
 
 GILES 
 
 (With bottle behind his back, and bow- 
 ing.) 
 
 Yes, sir ; it's here, sir ; and I'm his secretary, 
 Giles Boiscourtier, at your service, sir. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Then, boy, go tell him his old school-fellow, 
 Master Adam Fumee, lawyer, wishes to see him 
 on business. 
 
 GILES 
 Here he comes now, sir. 
 
 [LEONARD BOTAL comes down the stairs. 
 GILES goes off into the kitchen.] 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Good day, Master Leonard Botal, I am de- 
 lighted to see you again. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Good morning, Master Adam Fumee, how 
 have you been this long time that I haven't set 
 eyes on you?
 
 24 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Well, very well. And I hope I find you the 
 same, your Honour. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Fairly so, fairly so. And what good wind 
 wafts you hither, Master Adam Fumee? 
 (They come forward in the room.) 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 I've come from Chartres on purpose to put 
 in your own hands a statement on behalf of 
 a young orphan girl . . . 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Master Adam Fumee, do you remember the 
 days when we were law students together at 
 Orleans University? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Yes, yes ; we used to play the flute together, 
 and take the ladies out to picnics, and dance 
 from morning to night. . . But I've come, your 
 Honour, my dear old school-fellow, to hand you
 
 A DUMB WIFE 25 
 
 a statement on behalf of a young orphan girl 
 whose case is now pending before you. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Will she give good fees? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 She is a young orphan girl . . . 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes, yes, I know. But, will she give good 
 fees? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 She is a young orphan girl, who's been 
 robbed by her guardian, and he left her nothing 
 but her eyes to weep with. But if she wins her 
 suit, she will be rich again, and will give plen- 
 tiful proof of her gratitude. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Talcing the statement which Master 
 
 Adam hands him,] 
 We will look into the matter.
 
 26 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 I thank you, your Honour, my dear old 
 school-fellow. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 We will look into it, without fear or favour. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 That goes without saying. . . . But, tell 
 me: Is everything going smoothly with you? 
 You seem worried. And yet, you are well 
 placed here . . . the judgeship's a good one? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I paid enough for it to be a good one and 
 I didn't get cheated. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Perhaps you are lonely. Why don't you get 
 married ? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 What, what! Don't you know, Master 
 Adam, that I have just been married? (They 
 sit down on the form in front of the table.) 
 Yes, only last month, to a girl from one of our
 
 A DUMB WIFE 27 
 
 best country families, young and handsome, 
 Catherine Momichel, the seventh daughter of 
 the Criminal Court Judge at Salency. But 
 alas ! she is dumb. Now you know my affliction. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Your wife is dumb? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Alas, yes. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Quite, quite dumb? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 As a fish. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 And you didn't notice it till after you'd mar- 
 ried her? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Oh, I couldn't help noticing it, of course, but 
 it didn't seem to make so much difference to me 
 then as it does now. I considered her beauty, 
 and her property, and thought of nothing but
 
 28 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 the advantages of the match and the happiness 
 I should have with her. But now these mat- 
 ters seem less important, and I do wish she 
 could talk; that would be a real intellectual 
 pleasure for me, and, what's more, a practical 
 advantage for the household. What does a 
 Judge need most in his house? Why, a good- 
 looking wife, to receive the suitors pleasantly, 
 and, by subtle suggestions, gently bring them 
 to the point of making proper presents, so 
 that their cases may receive more careful at- 
 tention. People need to be encouraged to make 
 proper presents. A woman, by clever speech 
 and prudent action, can get a good ham from 
 one, and a roll of cloth from another ; and make 
 still another give poultry or wine. But this 
 poor dumb thing Catherine gets nothing at all. 
 While my fellow- judges have their kitchens and 
 cellars and stables and store-rooms running 
 over with good things, all thanks to their 
 wives, I hardly get wherewithal to keep the pot 
 boiling. You see, Master Adam Fumee, what 
 I lose by having a dumb wife. I'm not worth 
 half as much. . . . And the worst of it is, I'm 
 losing my spirits, and almost my wits; with it 
 all.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 29 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 There's no reason in that, now, your Honour. 
 Just consider the thing closely, and you will 
 find some advantages in your case as it stands, 
 and no mean ones neither. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 No, no, Master Adam; you don't under- 
 stand. Think! When I hold my wife in my 
 arms a woman as beautiful as the finest 
 carved statue, at least so I think and quite 
 as silent, that I'm sure of it makes me feel 
 queer and uncanny ; I even ask myself if I'm 
 holding a graven image or a mechanical toy, or 
 a magic doll made by a sorcerer, not a real hu- 
 man child of our Father in Heaven ; sometimes, 
 in the morning, I am tempted to jump out of 
 bed to escape from bewitchment. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 What notions ! 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Worse yet ! What with having a dumb wife, 
 I'm going dumb myself. Sometimes I catch
 
 30 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 myself using signs, as she does. The other day, 
 on the Bench, I even pronounced judgment in 
 pantomime, and condemned a man to the gal- 
 leys, just by dumb show and gesticulation. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Enough ! Say no more ! I can see that a 
 dumb wife may be a pretty poor conversation- 
 alist! There's not much fun in talking your- 
 self, when you get no response. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Now you know the reason why I'm in low 
 spirits. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 I won't contradict you; I admit that your 
 reason is full and sufficient. But perhaps 
 there's a remedy. Tell me: Is your wife deaf 
 as well as dumb? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Catherine is no more deaf than you and I 
 are; even less, I might say. She can hear the 
 very grass growing.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 31 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Then the case is not hopeless. When the 
 doctors and surgeons and apothecaries succeed 
 in making the deaf-and-dumb speak, their ut- 
 terance is as poor as their ears ; for they can't 
 hear what they say themselves, any more than 
 what's said to them. But it's quite different 
 with the dumb who can hear. 'Tis but child's 
 play for a doctor to untie their tongues. The 
 operation is so simple that it's done every day 
 to puppies that can't learn to bark. Must a 
 countryman like me come to town to tell you 
 that there's a famous doctor, just around the 
 corner from your own house, in Buci Square, at 
 the Sign of the Dragon, Master Simon Colline, 
 who has made a reputation for loosing the 
 tongues of the ladies of Paris? In a turn of 
 the hand, he'll draw from your wife's lips a full 
 flood of mellifluous speech, just as you'd turn 
 on a spigot and let the water run forth like a 
 sweet-purling brook. 
 
 LEONABD 
 
 Is this true, Master Adam? Aren't you de- 
 ceiving me? Aren't you speaking as a lawyer 
 in court?
 
 32 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 I'm speaking as a friend, and telling you the 
 plain truth. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Then I'll send for this famous doctor and 
 that right away. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 As you please. . . . But before you call him 
 in, you must reflect soberly, and consider what 
 it's really best to do. For, take it all in all, 
 though there are some disadvantages in having 
 a dumb wife, there are some advantages, too. 
 . . . Well, good day, your Honour, my dear old 
 school-fellow. (They go together to the street 
 door.) Remember, I'm truly your friend and 
 read over my statement, I beg you- If you give 
 your just judgment in favor of the orphan 
 girl robbed by her grasping guardian, you will 
 have no cause to regret it. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Be back this afternoon, Master Adam Fu- 
 mee; I will have my decision ready. 
 
 [They bow low to each other. Exit MAS- 
 TER ADAM.]
 
 A DUMB WIFE 33 
 
 SCENE II 
 LEONARD; later GILES; later CATHERINE. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [At the door, calling.] 
 
 Giles ! Giles ! . . . The rogue never hears 
 me ; he is in the kitchen, as usual, upsetting the 
 soup and the servant. He's a knave and a 
 scoundrel. Giles! . . . Giles! . . . Here, you 
 rapscallion ! You reprobate ! . . . 
 
 GILES 
 Present, your Honour. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 (Taking him by the ear.) 
 Sirrah! Go straight to the famous doctor, 
 Master Simon Colline, who lives in Buci Square, 
 at the Sign of the Dragon, and tell him to 
 come to my house at once, to treat a dumb 
 woman. . . . 
 
 GILES 
 Yes, your Honour. 
 
 (GILES starts off, running, to the right.)
 
 34 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Go the nearest way, not round by the New 
 Bridge, to watch the jugglers. I know you, 
 you slow-poke; there's not such another cheat 
 and loafer in ten counties. 
 
 f GILES comes back, slowly, across stage, 
 and stops.) 
 
 GILES 
 
 Sir, you wrong me. . . . 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Be off! and bring the famous doctor back 
 with you. 
 
 GILES 
 
 (Bolting off to the left.) 
 Yes, your Honour. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Going up and sitting down at the table, 
 
 which is loaded with brief -bags.] 
 
 I have fourteen verdicts to render to-day, 
 
 besides the decree in the case of Master Adam 
 
 Fumee's ward. And that is no small labour, 
 
 because a decree, to do credit to the Judge,
 
 A DUMB WIFE 35 
 
 must be cleverly worded, subtle, elegant, and 
 adorned with all the ornaments both of style 
 and of thought. The ideas must be pleasingly 
 conceived and playfully expressed. Where 
 should one show one's wit, if not in a verdict? 
 (The WATERCRESS MAN enters from the 
 right and crosses to the left singing: 
 "Good watercress, fresh from the 
 spring! Keeps you healthy and hearty! 
 Six farthings a bunch. Six farthings 
 a bunch." When the watercress man is 
 well on, enter the CANDLE MAN from 
 left to right, singing: "Candles! Cot- 
 ton-wick candles ! Burn bright as the 
 stars !" While he is passing, CATHERINE 
 enters from the upper stairway door; 
 she curtsies to the audience and then sits 
 on the window-seat, embroidering. As 
 the street-cries die away LEONARD looks 
 up from his work at the table, and see- 
 ing Catherine, goes to her and kisses her 
 as she rises to meet him. She makes a 
 curtsy, kisses him in return, and listens 
 with pleased attention.) 
 
 Good morning, my love. ... I didn't even 
 hear you come down. You are like the fairy
 
 36 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 forms in the stories, that seem to glide upon 
 
 air; or like the dreams which the gods, as 
 
 poets tell, send down to happy mortals. 
 
 (CATHERINE shows her pleasure in his 
 
 compliments.) 
 
 My love, you are a marvel of nature, and a 
 triumph of art ; you have all charms but speech. 
 (^CATHERINE turns away sobbing slightly.) 
 Shouldn't you be glad to have that, too? 
 (She turns back, intensely interested.) 
 Shouldn't you be happy to let your lips utter 
 all the pretty thoughts I can read in your eyes ? 
 Shouldn't you be pleased to show your wit? 
 (She waves her handkerchief in glee.) 
 Shouldn't you like to tell your husband how 
 you love him? Wouldn't it be delightful to call 
 him your treasure and sweetheart? Yes, 
 surely ! . . . (They rise. CATHERINE is full of 
 pleased animation.) 
 
 Well, I've a piece of good news for you, my 
 love. ... A great doctor is coming here pres- 
 ently, who can make you talk. . . . 
 
 [CATHERINE shows her satisfaction, danc- 
 ing gracefully up and down.] 
 
 He will untie your tongue and never hurt you 
 a bit.
 
 ENTER CATHERINE
 
 A DUMB WIFE 37 
 
 [CATHERINE'S movements express charm- 
 ing and joyous impatience. A BLIND 
 MAN goes by m the street plat/ing a 
 lively old-fashioned country dance. He 
 stops and calls out in a dolefid voice: 
 "Charity, for the love of God, good gen- 
 tlemen and ladies." ('LEONARD motions 
 him away, but CATHERINE pleads for 
 him by her gestures, indicating that he 
 is blind. LEONARD yields and goes back 
 to his writing-table. She stands at the 
 window listening while the blind man 
 sings.)] 
 
 THE BLIND MAN 
 
 There's lots of good fish in the sea, 
 
 La dee ra, la dee ra; 
 Now who will come and fish with me? 
 
 La dee ra, la dee ra; 
 Now who'll with me a-fishing go? 
 My dainty, dainty damsel, 01 
 Come fish the livelong day with me, 
 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 And who will then be caught? we'll see! 
 
 La dee ra, dee ra, day.
 
 38 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 (Toward the end of the verse CATHERINE 
 glances at Leonard and sees that she is 
 unobserved; she steals to the street 
 door as the BLIND MAN begins the sec- 
 ond verse there; during this verse she 
 dances to him and frolics around the 
 stage as he sings.) 
 
 THE BLIND MAN 
 
 Along the rippling river's bank, 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 
 Along the wimpling water's bank, 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 
 Along the bank so shady O 
 
 I met the miller's lady, O 
 
 And danced with her the livelong day 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 
 And oh! I danced my heart away! 
 La dee ra, dee ra, day. 
 
 {The BLIND MAN stops playing and sing- 
 ing, and says, in a hollow and terrifying 
 voice: "Charity, for the love of God, 
 good gentlemen and ladies."] 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Who has been buried in his documents 
 and noticed nothing, now drives the
 
 A DUMB WIFE 39 
 
 BLIND MAN off the stage with objurga- 
 tions.] 
 Vagabond, robber, ruffian! 
 
 [And throws a lot of brief-bags and books 
 
 at his head; then speaks to CATHERINE, 
 
 who has gone back to her place.} 
 
 My love, since you came downstairs, I 
 
 haven't been wasting my time ; I have sentenced 
 
 fourteen men and six women to the pillory ; and 
 
 distributed, among seventeen different people 
 
 (He counts up) six, twenty-four, thirty-two, 
 
 forty- four, forty-seven ; and nine, fifty-six ; and 
 
 eleven, sixty-seven ; and ten, seventy-seven ; and 
 
 eight, eighty-five; and twenty, a hundred and 
 
 five a hundred and five years in the galleys. 
 
 Doesn't that make you realise the great power 
 
 of a judge? How can I help feeling some pride 
 
 in it? 
 
 [CATHERINE, who has stopped her work, 
 leans on the table, and smilingly watches 
 her husband. Then she sits down on the 
 table, which is covered with brief-bags.] 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Making as if to pull the bags from under 
 her.}
 
 40 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 My love, you are hiding great criminals from 
 my justice. Thieves and murderers. But I will 
 not pursue them, their place of refuge is sa- 
 cred. 
 
 [A CHIMNEY SWEEP passes in the street, 
 calling: "Sweep your chimneys, my la- 
 dies; sweep them clear and clean."] 
 [LEONARD and CATHERINE kiss across the 
 table. But, seeing the DOCTORS arriv- 
 ing, CATHERINE runs off up the stairs.]
 
 A DUMB WIFE 41 
 
 SCENE III 
 
 LEONARD, GILES, MASTER SIMON COLLINE, 
 MASTER JEAN MAUGIER, Two ATTENDANTS; 
 later MASTER SERAFIN DULAURIER; later 
 ALISON. 
 
 (Enter, in formal procession, GILES, lead- 
 ing the line and imitating a trumpeter, 
 then the two DOCTORS' ATTENDANTS, 
 then MASTER SIMON and MASTER JEAN. 
 The ATTENDANTS, one carrymg the case 
 of instruments, take their stand on 
 either side of the door. The Doctor 
 and Surgeon bow formally to the au- 
 dience.) 
 
 GILES 
 
 Your Honour, here's the great doctor you 
 sent for. 
 
 MASTER SIMON, bowing 
 
 Yes, I am Master Simon Colline himself. 
 . . . And this is Master Jean Maugier, sur- 
 geon. You called for our services? 
 
 UEONARD 
 
 Yes, sir, to make a dumb woman speak.
 
 42 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Good! We must wait for Master Serafin 
 Dulaurier, apothecary. As soon as he comes 
 we will proceed to operate according to our 
 knowledge and understanding. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Ah ! You really need an apothecary to make 
 a dumb woman speak? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Yes, sir; to doubt it is to show total igno- 
 rance of the relations of the organs to each 
 other, and of their mutual interdependence. 
 Master Serafin Dulaurier will soon be here. 
 
 MASTER JEAN MAUGIER 
 
 [Suddenly bellowing out m stentorian 
 
 tones.] 
 
 Oh! how grateful we should be to learned 
 doctors like Master Simon Colline, who labour 
 to preserve us in health and comfort us in sick- 
 ness. Oh ! how worthy of praise and of bless- 
 ings are these noble doctors who follow in their 
 profession the rules of scientific theory and of 
 long practice.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 43 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 [Bowing slightly.] 
 
 You are much too kind, Master Jean Mau- 
 gier. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 While we are waiting for the apothecary, 
 won't you take some light refreshment, gentle- 
 men? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Most happy. 
 
 MASTER JEAN 
 
 Delighted. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Alison ! ... So then, Master Simon Colline, 
 you will perform a slight operation and make 
 my wife speak? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Say, rather, I shall order the operation. I 
 command, Master Jean Maugier executes. . . . 
 Have you your instruments with you, Master 
 Jean ? 
 
 MASTER JEAN 
 
 Yes, Master. 
 
 [(He claps his hands; the attendants run 
 forward into the room, and, each hold-
 
 44 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 vng one side, they unfold the large cloth 
 case of instruments and hold it up) dis- 
 closing a huge saw with two-inch teeth, 
 and knives, pincers, scissors, a skewer, 
 a bit-stock, an enormous bit, etc.] 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I hope, sirs, you don't intend to use all those ? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 One must never be caught unarmed by a pa- 
 tient. 
 
 (The attendants fold up the case and give 
 it to Master Jean; then run back to 
 their positions by the door, as ALISON, 
 with a large tray, bottles, and glasses, 
 enters from the kitchen.) 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Will you drink, gentlemen? 
 
 (COLLINE and MAUGIER take glasses from 
 ALISON and drink, after ALISON has 
 kissed COLLINE'S glass.) 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 This light wine of yours is not half bad.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 45 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Very kind of you to say so. It's from my 
 own vineyard. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 You shall send me a cask of it. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [To GILES, who has poured himself a glass 
 
 full to the brim.] 
 I didn't tell you to drink, you reprobate. 
 
 MASTER JEAN 
 
 [Looking out of the window.] 
 Here is Master Serafin Dulaurier, the 
 apothecary. 
 
 [Enter MASTER SERAFIN. (He trots 
 across the stage, stopping to bow to 
 the audience.)] 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 (Peering into the street.) 
 And here is his mule ! ... Or no 'tis Mas- 
 ter Serafin himself. You never can tell them
 
 46 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 apart. ('MASTER SERAFIN joins the group in 
 the room.) Drink, Master Serafin. It is fresh 
 from the cellar. 
 
 MASTER SERAFIN 
 
 Your good health, my Masters! 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 [To ALISON.] 
 
 Pour freely, fair Hebe. Pour right, pour 
 left, pour here, pour there. Whichever way 
 she turns, she shows new charms. Are you not 
 proud, my girl, of your trim figure? 
 
 ALISON 
 
 For all the good it does me, there is no rea- 
 son to be proud of it. Charms are not worth 
 much unless they are hidden in silk and brocade. 
 
 MASTER SERAFIN 
 
 Your good health, my Masters ! 
 
 [They ALL drink, and make ALISON drink 
 with them.] 
 
 ALISON 
 
 You like to fool with us. But free gratis 
 for nothing.
 
 "Now we are all here, shall we go see the patient?"
 
 A DUMB WIFE 47 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Now we are all here, shall we go see the pa- 
 tient? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I will show you the way, gentlemen. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 After you, Master Maugier, you go first. 
 
 MASTER MAUGIER 
 
 (Glass in one hand, case of Instruments in 
 
 the other.) 
 
 I'll go first, since the place of honour is the 
 rear. (He crosses to the left, and goes behind 
 the table toward the door, following Botal.) 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 After you, Master Serafin Dulaurier. 
 
 [MASTER SERAFIN follows Maugier, bottle 
 in hand. MASTER SIMON, after stuffing 
 a bottle into each pocket of his gown, 
 and kissing the servant, ALISON, goes 
 up stage, singing.] 
 
 Then drmk! and drink! and drink agam! 
 
 Drink shall drown our care and pain.
 
 48 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 Good friends must drink before they part, 
 To warm the cockles of the heart! 
 
 [ALISON, after cuffing GILES, who was try- 
 ing to kiss her, goes up last.} 
 ('ALL sing in chorus as they go out by the 
 
 right upper door:) 
 Then drink! and drink! and drmk agam! 
 
 [End of ACT 7]
 
 ACT II 
 
 Scene: the same. Four or -jive hours have 
 elapsed. 
 
 SCENE I 
 LEONARD, MASTER ADAM. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Good afternoon, your Honour. How are you 
 this afternoon? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Well, fairly well. And how are you? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Well as can be. Excuse my besieging you, 
 your Honour, my dear comrade. Have you 
 looked into the case of my young ward who's 
 been robbed by her guardian? 
 49
 
 50 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Not yet, Master Adam Fumee. ... But 
 what's that you say? You've been robbing 
 your ward? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 No, no, never think it, your Honour. I said 
 "my" out of pure interest in her. But I am 
 not her guardian, thank God! I'm her law- 
 yer. And, if she gets back her estate, which is 
 no small estate neither, then I shall be her hus- 
 band; yes, I've had the foresight to make her 
 fall in love with me already. And so, I shall be 
 greatly obliged to you if you'll examine her 
 case at the earliest possible moment. All you 
 have to do is to read the statement I gave you ; 
 that contains everything you need to know 
 about the case. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Your statement is there, Master Adam, on 
 my table. I should have looked through it al- 
 ready, if I hadn't been so besieged. But I've 
 been entertaining the flower of the medical fac- 
 ulty here. (Suddenly seizing him by the shoul- 
 ders and shaking him.) 'Twas your advice 
 brought this trouble upon me.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 51 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Why, what do you mean? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I sent for the famous doctor you told me 
 about, Master Simon Colline. He came, with 
 a surgeon and an apothecary; he examined my 
 wife, Catherine, from head to foot, to see if 
 she was dumb. Then, the surgeon cut my dear 
 Catherine's tongue-ligament, the apothecary 
 gave her a pill and she spoke. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 She spoke? Did she need a pill, to speak? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes, because of the interdependence of the 
 organs. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Oh! Ah! . . . Anyhow, the main point is, 
 she spoke. And what did she say? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 She said: "Bring me my looking-glass!" 
 And, seeing me quite overcome by my feelings,
 
 52 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 she added, "You old goose, you shall give me a 
 new satin gown and a velvet-trimmed cape for 
 my birthday." 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 And she kept on talking? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 She hasn't stopped yet. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 And yet you don't thank me for my advice; 
 you don't thank me for having sent you to that 
 wonderful doctor? Aren't you overjoyed to 
 hear your wife speak? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Sourly.] 
 
 Yes, certainly. I thank you with all my 
 heart, Master Adam Fumee, and I am over- 
 joyed to hear my wife speak. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 No! You do not show as much satisfaction 
 as you ought to. There is something you are 
 keeping back something that's worrying you.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 53 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Where did you get such a notion? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 From your face. . . . What is bothering 
 you? Isn't your wife's speech clear? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes, it's clear and abundant. I must ad- 
 mit, its abundance would be a trial to me if it 
 kept up at the rate which it started at. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Ah! ... I feared that beforehand, your 
 Honour. But you mustn't be cast down too 
 soon. Perhaps this flood of words will ebb. It 
 is the first overflow of a spring too long bot- 
 tled up. . . . My best congratulations, your 
 Honour. My ward's name is Ermeline de la Ga- 
 randiere. Don't forget her name ; show her fa- 
 vour, and you will find proper gratitude. I will 
 be back later in the day. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Master Adam Fumee, I will look into your 
 case at once. 
 
 [Exit MASTER ADAM FUMEE.]
 
 54 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 SCENE II 
 LEONARD; later CATHERINE. 
 
 ('CATHERINE is heard off stage singing the 
 Blind Man's song; LEONARD starts, 
 shakes his head, hurries to his writing- 
 table, and sits down to work. CATH- 
 ERINE, still singing, enters gaily, and 
 goes to him at the table.) 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Reading.] 
 
 "Statement, on behalf of Ermeline-Jacinthe- 
 Marthe de la Garandiere, gentlewoman." 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 (Standing behind his chair, and first fin- 
 ishing her song: "La dee ra, dee ra, 
 day", then speakmg with great volubil- 
 ity.) 
 
 What are you doing, my dear? You seem 
 busy. You work too much. (She goes to the 
 window-seat and takes up her embroidery.) 
 Aren't you afraid it will make you ill? You
 
 A DUMB WIFE 55 
 
 must rest once in a while. Why don't you tell 
 me what you are doing, dear? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 My love, I ... 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Is it such a great secret? Can't I know 
 about it? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 My love, I ... 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 If it's a secret, don't tell me. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Won't you give me a chance to answer? I 
 am examining a case and preparing to draw 
 up a verdict on it. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Is drawing up a verdict so very important? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Most certainly it is. ( CATHERINE sits at the 
 wmdow singing and humming to herself, and
 
 56 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 looking out.) In the first place, people's hon- 
 our, their liberty, and sometimes even their life, 
 may depend on it; and furthermore, the Judge 
 must show therein both the depth of his thought 
 and the finish of his style. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Then examine your case and prepare your 
 verdict, my dear. I'll be silent. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 That's right. . . . "Ermeline-Jacinthe-Mar- 
 the de la Garandiere, gentlewoman . . ." 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 My dear, which do you think would be more 
 becoming to me, a damask gown, or a velvet 
 suit with a Turkish skirt? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I don't know, I ... 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 / think a flowered satin would suit my age 
 best, especially a light-coloured one, with a 
 small flower pattern.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 57 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Perhaps so. But . . . 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 And don't you think, my dear, that it is 
 quite improper to have a hoop-skirt very full? 
 Of course, a skirt must have some fullness . . . 
 or else you don't seem dressed at all; so, we 
 mustn't let it be scanty. But, my dear, you 
 wouldn't want me to have room enough to hide 
 a pair of lovers under my hoops, now would 
 you? That fashion won't last, I'm sure; some 
 day the court ladies will give it up, and then 
 every woman in town will make haste to follow 
 their example. Don't you think so? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes! Yes! But ... 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Now, about high heels. . . . They must be 
 made just right. A woman is judged by her 
 foot-gear you can always tell a real fine lady 
 by her shoes. You agree with me, don't you, 
 dear?
 
 58 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes, yes, yes, but . . . 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Then write out your verdict. I shan't say 
 another word. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 That's right. 
 
 [Reading, and making notes.] 
 
 "Now, the guardian of the said young lady, 
 namely, Hugo Thomas of Piedeloup, gentle- 
 man, stole from the said young lady her " 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 My dear, if one were to believe the wife of 
 the Chief Justice of Montbadon, the world has 
 grown very corrupt; it is going to the bad; 
 young men nowadays don't marry ; they prefer 
 to hang about rich old ladies ; and meanwhile 
 the poor girls are left to wither on their maiden 
 stalks. Do you think it's as bad as all that? 
 Do answer me, dear.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 59 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 My darling, won't you please be silent one 
 moment? Or go and talk somewhere else? I'm 
 all at sea. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 There, there, dear; don't worry. I shan't 
 say another word! Not a word! 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Good! 
 
 [Writing.] 
 
 "The said Piedeloup, gentleman, counting 
 both hay crops and apple crops . . ." 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 My dear, we shall have for supper to-night 
 some minced mutton and what's left of that 
 goose one of your suitors gave us. Tell me, is 
 that enough? Shall you be satisfied with it? 
 I hate being mean, and like to set a good table, 
 but what's the use of serving courses which will 
 only be sent back to the pantry untouched? 
 The cost of living is getting higher all the 
 time. Chickens, and salads, and meats, and
 
 60 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 fruit have all gone up so, it will soon be cheaper 
 to order dinner sent in by a caterer. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I beg you . . . 
 
 [Writing. ] 
 "An orphan by birth . . ." 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Yes, that's what we're coming to. No home 
 life any more. You'll see. Why, a capon, or 
 a partridge, or a hare, cost less all stuffed and 
 roasted than if you buy them alive at the mar- 
 ket. That is because the cook-shops buy 
 in large quantities and get a big discount; so 
 they can sell to us at a profit. I don't say we 
 ought to get our regular meals from the cook- 
 shop. We can do our everyday plain cooking 
 at home, and it's better to ; but when we invite 
 people in, or give a formal dinner party, then 
 it saves time and money to have the dinner 
 sent in. Why, at less than an hour's notice, 
 the cook-shops and cake-shops will get you up 
 a dinner for a dozen, or twenty, or fifty people ; 
 the cook-shop will send in meat and poultry, the
 
 A DUMB WIFE 61 
 
 caterer will send galantines and sauces and rel- 
 ishes, the pastry-cook will send pies and tarts 
 and sweets and desserts ; and it's all so con- 
 venient. Now, don't you think so yourself, 
 Leonard ? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Please, please ! 
 
 (^LEONARD tries to write through the fol- 
 lowing speech, murmuring: "An or- 
 phan by birth, a capon by bir.th, an olla 
 podrida," etc.) 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 It's no wonder everything goes up. People 
 are getting more extravagant every day. If 
 they are entertaining a friend, or even a rela- 
 tive, they don't think they can do with only 
 three courses, soup, meat, and dessert. No, 
 they have to have meats in five or six different 
 styles, with so many sauces, or dressings, or 
 pasties, that it's a regular olla podrida. Now, 
 don't you think that is going too far, my dear? 
 For my part I just cannot understand how 
 people can take pleasure in stuffing themselves 
 with so many kinds of food. Not that I despise
 
 62 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 a good table ; why, I'm even a bit of an epicure 
 myself. "Not too plenty, but dainty," suits 
 my taste. Now, what I like best of all is ca- 
 pons' kidneys with artichoke hearts. But you, 
 Leonard, I suspect you have a weakness for 
 tripe and sausages. Oh, fie! Oh, fie! How 
 can anyone enjoy sausages? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [His head in his hands.] 
 I shall go mad! I know I shall go mad. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 (Running to the table behind him.) 
 My dear, I just shan't say another word 
 not a single word. For I can see that my chat- 
 tering might possibly disturb your work. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 If you would only do as you say ! 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 (Returning to her place.) 
 I shan't even open my lips.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 63 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Splendid ! 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 (Busily embroidering.) 
 You see, dear, I'm not saying another word. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 I'm letting you work in perfect peace and 
 quiet. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Yes. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 And write out your verdict quite undis- 
 turbed. Is it almost done? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 It never will be if you don't keep still. 
 [Writing.] 
 
 "Item, One hundred twenty pounds a year, 
 which the said unworthy guardian stole from 
 the poor orphan girl . . ."
 
 64 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Listen! Ssh-sh! Listen! Didn't you hear 
 a cry of fire? (Leonard runs to the window, 
 looks out, and then shakes his head at Cath- 
 erine.) I thought I did. But perhaps I may 
 have been mistaken. Is there anything so ter- 
 rifying as a fire? Fire is even worse than 
 water. Last year I saw the houses on Ex- 
 change Bridge burn up. What confusion! 
 What havoc! The people threw their furni- 
 ture into the river, and jumped out of the win- 
 dows. They didn't know what they were about ; 
 you see, fear drove them out of their senses. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Lord, have mercy upon me ! 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Oh ! What makes you groan so, dear ? Tell 
 me, tell me what is the matter? 
 
 LEONARD 
 I can't endure it another minute.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 65 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 You must rest, Leonard. You mustn't work 
 so hard. It isn't reasonable. You have no 
 right to ... 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Will you never be still? 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Now, don't be cross, dear. I'm not saying 
 a word. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Would to Heaven! 
 
 ('MADAME DE LA BRTTINE, followed by her 
 footman, crosses the stage during the 
 following speech.) 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 [Looking out of the window."] 
 Oh! Here comes Madame de la Bruine, 
 the attorney's wife! She's got on a silk-lined 
 hood and a heavy puce-coloured cape over her 
 brocade gown. And she has a lackey with a 
 face like a smoked herring. Leonard, she's 
 looking this way ; I believe she's ccfming to call. 
 Hurry and arrange the chairs and bring up an
 
 66 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 armchair for her; we must show people proper 
 respect according to their rank and station. 
 She is stopping at our door. No, she's going 
 on. She's gone on. Perhaps I was mistaken. 
 Perhaps it was somebody else. You can't be 
 sure about recognising people. But if it wasn't 
 she, it was somebody like her, and even very 
 much like her. Now I think of it, I'm sure it 
 was she, there simply couldn't be another wom- 
 an in Paris so like Madame de la Bruine. My 
 dear. . . My dear. . . Would you have liked 
 to have Madame de la Bruine call on us? 
 
 [She sits down on his table.] 
 I know you don't like rattle-tongued women ; 
 it's lucky for you that you didn't marry her; 
 she jabbers like a magpie; she does nothing but 
 gabble from morning to night. What a chat- 
 terbox! And sometimes she tells stories which 
 are not to her credit. 
 
 [LEONARD, driven beyond endurance, 
 climbs up on his step-ladder and sits 
 down on one of the middle steps, and 
 tries to write there.] 
 
 In the first place, she always gives you a list 
 of all the presents her husband has received. 
 It's a dreadful bore to hear her tell them over.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 67 
 
 [She climbs up on the other side of the 
 double step-ladder and sits down oppo- 
 site Leonard '.] 
 
 What is it to us, if the Attorney de la Bruine 
 receives presents of game, or flour, or fresh 
 fish, or even a sugar-loaf? But Madame de la 
 Bruine takes good care not to tell you that one 
 day her husband received a great Amiens pasty, 
 and when he opened it he found nothing but an 
 enormous pair of horns. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 My head will burst! 
 
 [He takes refuge on top of one of the 
 cabinets, with his writing-case and pa- 
 pers.] 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 [At the top of the ladder.] 
 And did you see my fine lady, who's really 
 no lady at all, wearing an embroidered cape, 
 just like any princess? Don't you think it's 
 ridiculous ! But there ! Nowadays everybody 
 dresses above his station, men as well as wom- 
 en. Your court secretaries try to pass for 
 gentlemen; they wear gold chains and jewelry,
 
 68 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 ami feathers in their hats; all the same, any- 
 one can tell what they are. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [On top of his cupboard.] 
 I've got to the point where I can't answer for 
 the consequences ; I feel capable of committing 
 any crime. 
 
 [Calling.] 
 
 Giles! Giles! Giles! The scoundrel! Giles! 
 Alison ! Giles ! Giles ! 
 [Enter GILES.] 
 
 Go quick and find the famous Doctor in Buci 
 Square, Master Simon Colline, and tell him to 
 come back here at once for a matter far more 
 needful and urgent than before. 
 
 GILES 
 
 Yes, your Honour. 
 [Exit.'] 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 What's the matter, my dear? You seem ex- 
 cited. Perhaps the air is close. No? It's the 
 east wind, then, don't you think? or the fish 
 you ate for dinner?
 
 A DUMB WIFE 69 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Frantically gesticulating on top of his 
 
 cupboard.] 
 
 Non omnia possumus omnes. It is the office 
 of servants to clean crockery, of mercers to 
 measure ribbon, of monks to beg, of birds to 
 drop dirt around everywhere, and of women to 
 cackle and chatter like mad. Oh! How I re- 
 gret, you saucy baggage, that I had your 
 tongue loosed. Don't you worry, though the 
 famous doctor shall soon make you more dumb 
 than ever you were. 
 
 [He catches up armfuls of the brief-bags 
 which are piled on his cupboard of ref- 
 uge, and throws them at CATHERINE'S 
 head; she jumps nimbly down from the 
 ladder and runs off in terror, crying:] 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Help! Murder! My husband's gone mad! 
 Help! help! 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Alison ! Alison ! 
 [Enter ALISON.]
 
 70 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 ALISON 
 
 What a life! Sir, have you turned mur- 
 derer? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Alison, follow her, stay by her, and don't let 
 her come down. As you value your life, Ali- 
 son, don't let her come down. For if I hear 
 another word from her, I shall go raving mad, 
 and God knows what I might do to her and 
 to you. Go ! Off with you ! 
 [ALISON goes upstairs.]
 
 A DUMB WIFE 
 
 SCENE III 
 
 LEONARD, MASTER ADAM, MI/LE. DE LA GARAN- 
 DIERE, and a LACKEY carrying a basket. 
 ('LEONARD is still on top of the cabmet or 
 book-case. MASTER ADAM and MLLE. 
 DE LA GARANDIERE climb up on each side 
 of the step-ladder. The LACKEY, with 
 an enormous basket on his head, kneels 
 in front, centre.) 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Permit me, your Honour, with the object of 
 softening your heart and arousing your pity, to 
 present before you this young orphan girl, de- 
 spoiled by a grasping guardian, who implores 
 you for justice. Her eyes will speak to your 
 heart more eloquently than my voice. Mile, de 
 la Garandiere brings you her prayers and her 
 tears; she adds thereunto one ham, two duck 
 pies, a goose, and two goslings. She ventures 
 to hope in exchange for a favouring verdict.
 
 72 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Mademoiselle, you arouse my interest. . . . 
 Have you anything to add in defence of your 
 case? 
 
 MLLE. DE LA GARANDIERE 
 
 You are only too kind, sir; I must rest my 
 case on what my lawyer has just said. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 That is aU? 
 
 MLLE. DE LA GARANDIERE 
 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 She knows how to speak and to stop. The 
 poor orphan touches my heart. 
 
 [To the LACKEY.] 
 Carry that package to the pantry. 
 [Exit LACKEY.] 
 [To MASTER ADAM.] 
 
 Master Adam, when you came in, I was 
 just drawing up the decree which I shall pres- 
 ently render in this young lady's case. 
 
 [He starts to come down from his cabi- 
 net.]
 
 "Mademoiselle, you arouse my interest."
 
 A DUMB WIFE 73 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 What, up on that cupboard? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I don't know where I am; my head is going 
 round and round. Do you want to hear the 
 decree? I need to read it over myself. 
 [Reading.] 
 
 "Whereas, Mile, de la Garandiere, spinster, 
 and an orphan by birth, did fraudulently, de- 
 ceitfully, and with injurious intent, steal, filch, 
 and subtract from her lawful guardian, Squire 
 Piedeloup, gentleman, ten loads of hay and 
 eighty pounds of fresh-water fish, and where- 
 as, there is nothing so terrifying as a fire, and 
 whereas, the State's Attorney did receive an 
 Amiens pasty in which were two great 
 horns . . ." 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 What in Heaven's name are you reading? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Don't ask me. I don't know myself. I think 
 my brains have been brayed in a mortar, for
 
 74 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 two hours running, by the very devil himself 
 for a pestle. (He breaks down and weeps on 
 their shoulders.) I'm a driveling idiot. . . . 
 And all your fault, too, Master Adam Fu- 
 mee. ... If that fine doctor of yours hadn't 
 restored my wife's speech . . . 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Don't blame me, Master Leonard. I fore- 
 warned you. I told you right enough, that 
 you must think twice before untying a wom- 
 an's tongue. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Ah, Master Adam Fumee, how I long for the 
 time when my Catherine was dumb. No! Na- 
 ture has no scourge more fearsome than a rat- 
 tle-tongued female. . . . But I count on the 
 doctors to recall their cruel gift. I have sent 
 for them. Here's the surgeon now.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 75 
 
 SCENE IV 
 
 THE SAME, MASTER JEAN MAUGIER; later 
 MASTER SIMON COLLINE and MASTER SERA- 
 FIN DULAURIER, followed by Two APOTHE- 
 CARY'S BOYS. 
 
 MASTER JEAN MATJGIER 
 
 Your Honour, I bid you good day. Here is 
 Master Simon Colline coming forward upon his 
 mule, followed by Master Serafin Dulaurier, 
 apothecary. About him crowds the adoring 
 populace : chambermaids, trussing up their pet- 
 ticoats, and scullions with hampers on their 
 heads, form his escort of honour. 
 
 [Enter MASTER SIMON COLLINE and His 
 SUITE.] 
 
 Oh! how justly does Master Simon Colline 
 command the admiration of the people when he 
 goes through the city clad in his doctor's robe, 
 his square cap, his cassock and bands. Oh! 
 how grateful we should be to those noble doc- 
 tors who labour to preserve us in health and 
 comfort us in sickness. Ohhhh! how .
 
 76 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 [To MASTER JEAN MAUGiEEt] 
 Have done; 'tis enough. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Master Simon Colline, I was in haste to see 
 you. I urgently beg for your services. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 For yourself? What is your disease? Where 
 is the pain? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 No ! For my wife ; the one who was dumb. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Has she any trouble now? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 None at all. I have all the trouble now. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 What? The trouble is with you, and it's 
 your wife you want cured?
 
 A DUMB WIFE 77 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Master Simon Colline, she talks too much. 
 You should have given her speech, but not so 
 much speech. Since you've cured her of her 
 dumbness, she drives me mad. I cannot bear 
 another word from her. I've called you in to 
 make her dumb again. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 'Tis impossible! 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 What's that? You can't take away the 
 power of speech which you gave her? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 No! That I cannot do. My skill is great, 
 but it stops short of that. 
 
 (XEONARD in despair turns to each of 
 them in succession.) 
 
 MASTER JEAN MAUGIER 
 
 We cannot do it. 
 
 MASTER SERAFIN 
 
 Our greatest efforts would have not the 
 slightest result.
 
 78 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 We have medicines to make women speak; 
 we have none to make them keep silence. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 You haven't? Is that your last word? You 
 drive me to despair. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Alas, your Honour! (He advances to the 
 centre, claps his hands for attention, and de- 
 claims.) There is no elixir, balm, magisterium, 
 opiate, unguent, ointment, local application, 
 electuary, nor panacea, that can cure the excess 
 of glottal activity in woman. Treacle and or- 
 vietano would be without virtue, and all the 
 herbs described by Dioscorides would have no 
 effect. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Can this be true? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Sir, you dare not so offend me as to doubt it.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 79 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Then I am a ruined man. There's nothing 
 left for me to do but tie a stone around my 
 neck and jump into the Seine. (He rushes to 
 the window and tries to jump out, but is held 
 back by the doctors.) I cannot live in this 
 hubbub. (The doctors drag him back, set him 
 down, and, with MASTER ADAM, stand in a circle 
 in front of him.) If you don't want me to 
 drown myself straightway, then you doctors 
 must find me some cure. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 There is none, I tell you, for your wife. But 
 there might be one for you, if you would con- 
 sent to take it. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 You give me a little hope. Explain it, for 
 Heaven's sake. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 For the clack of a wife, there's but one cure 
 in life. Let her husband be deaf. 'Tis the only 
 relief. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 What do you mean?
 
 80 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Just what I say. 
 
 MASTEE ADAM 
 
 Don't you understand? That's the finest 
 discovery yet. Since he can't make your wife 
 dumb, this great doctor offers to make you 
 deaf. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Make me really deaf? Oh! ... 
 
 (He starts to rise, but is pushed back by 
 MASTER SIMON, who stands directly in 
 front of him.) 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Certainly. I can cure you at once, and for 
 all time, of your wife's verbal hypertrophy, by 
 means of cophosis. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 By cophosis? What is cophosis? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 'Tis what is vulgarly called deafness. Do 
 you see any disadvantages in becoming deaf? 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Certainly I do!
 
 A DUMB WIFE 81 
 
 MASTER JEAN MAUGIER 
 
 You think so? 
 
 MASTER SERAFIN 
 
 For instance? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 You are a Judge. What disadvantage is 
 there in a Judge's being deaf? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 None at all. Believe me; I am a practicing 
 lawyer. There is none at all. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 What harm could come to justice thereby? 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 No harm at all. Quite the contrary. Master 
 Leonard Botal could then hear neither lawyers 
 nor prosecutors, and so would run no risk of 
 being deceived by a lot of lies. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 That's true. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 He will judge all the better.
 
 82 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 May be so. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Never doubt it. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 But how do you perform this . . . 
 
 MASTER JEAN MAUGIER 
 
 This cure. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Cophosis, vulgarly called deafness, may be 
 brought about in several ways. It is produced 
 either by otorrhoea, or by sclerosis of the ear, 
 or by otitis, or else by anchylosis of the ossicles. 
 But these various means are long and painful. 
 
 LEONARD 
 I reject them! ... I reject them absolutely. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 You are right. It is far better to induce co- 
 phosis by means of a certain white powder 
 which I have in my medicine-case ; a pinch of it, 
 placed in the ear, is enough to make you as 
 deaf as Heaven when it's angry, or as deaf as 
 a post.
 
 A DUMB WIFE 83 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Many thanks, Master Simon Colline; keep 
 your powder. I will not be made deaf. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 What? You won't be made deaf? What? 
 You refuse cophosis? You decline the cure 
 which you begged for just now? Ah, 'tis a case 
 but too common, and one calculated to make a 
 judicious physician grieve, to see a recalcitrant 
 patient refuse the salutary medicament . . . 
 
 MASTER JEAN MATJGIER 
 
 And flee from the care, which would cure all 
 his ailments . . . 
 
 MASTER SERAFIN 
 
 And decline to be healed. Oh ! 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Do not decide too quickly, Master Leonard 
 Botal; do not deliberately reject this slight af- 
 fliction which will save you from far greater 
 torment. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 No! I will not be deaf; I'll have none of 
 your powder.
 
 84 
 
 SCENE V 
 THE SAME, ALISON ; later CATHERINE. 
 
 ALISON 
 
 [Rushes in from the stairs, stopping her 
 
 ears.] 
 
 I can't stand it. My head will burst. No 
 human creature can stay and listen to such a 
 clatter. There's no stopping her. I feel as 
 if I'd been caught in the mill-wheel for two 
 mortal hours. 
 
 (^CATHERINE is heard off stage singing the 
 blind man's song.) 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Wretch ! Don't let her come down. Alison ! 
 Giles ! Lock her in. 
 
 MASTER ADAM 
 
 Oh! Sir! 
 
 MLLE. DE LA GARANDIERE 
 
 Oh ! Sir, can your heart be so cruel as to 
 want to lock the poor lady up all alone?
 
 A DUMB WIFE 85 
 
 ('CATHERINE is heard singing again. 
 LEONARD starts for the ladder, and 
 climbs it as she enters.) 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 What a fine large assembly ! I am your hum- 
 ble servant, gentlemen. 
 [She curtsies.] 
 
 MASTER SIMON COI/LINE 
 
 Well, madam? Aren't you pleased with us? 
 Didn't we do our work well in loosing your 
 tongue ? 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Fairly well, sirs; and I'm truly grateful to 
 you. At first, to be sure, I could speak but 
 haltingly, and bring out only a few words ; now, 
 however, I have some degree of facility; but 
 I use it with great moderation, for a garrulous 
 wife is a scourge in the house. Yes, gentlemen, 
 I should be in despair if you could so much as 
 suspect me of loquacity, or if you could think 
 for a moment that any undue desire to talk 
 could get hold on me. ('LEONARD, on top of the 
 cabinet, laughs wildly.) And so, I beg you to
 
 86 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 let me justify myself here and now in the eyes 
 of my husband, who, for some inconceivable 
 reason, has become prejudiced against me, and 
 taken it into his head that my conversation 
 bothered him while he was drawing up a de- 
 cree. . . . Yes, a decree in favour of an or- 
 phan girl deprived of her father and mother in 
 the flower of her youth. But no matter for 
 that. (She crosses to the ladder and starts to 
 go tip one side of it. LEONARD climbs down the 
 other side, goes first to one doctor, then to 
 another, and finally sits down on the bench in 
 front of the table.) I was sitting beside him 
 and hardly saying a single word to him. My 
 only speech was my presence. Can a husband 
 object to that? Can he take it ill when his wife 
 stays with him and seeks to enjoy his company, 
 as she ought? 
 
 (She goes to her husband and sits down 
 beside him. During the rest of the 
 speech all those present, one after an- 
 other, sink down in exhaustion at listen- 
 ing to her.) 
 
 The more I think of it, the less I can under- 
 stand your impatience. What can have caused 
 it? You must stop pretending it was my talka-
 
 A DUMB WIFE 87 
 
 tiveness. That idea won't hold water one mo- 
 ment. My dear, you must have some griev- 
 ance against me which I know nothing about ; I 
 beg you to tell me what it is. You owe me an 
 explanation, and as soon as I find out what dis- 
 pleased you I will see to it that you have no 
 reason to complain of the same thing again 
 if only you'll tell me what it is. For I am eager 
 to save you from the slightest reason for dis- 
 satisfaction. My mother used to say: "Be- 
 tween husband and wife, there should be no se- 
 crets." And she was quite right. Married 
 people have only too often brought down ter- 
 rible catastrophes on themselves or their 
 households just because they didn't tell each 
 other everything. That is what happened to the 
 Chief Justice of Beaupreau's wife. To give her 
 husband a pleasant surprise, she shut up a lit- 
 the sucking pig in a chest in her room. Her 
 husband heard it squealing, and thought it was 
 a lover, so he out with his sword and ran his 
 wife through the heart, without even waiting 
 to hear the poor lady's explanation. You can 
 imagine his surprise and despair when he 
 opened the chest. And that shows you must 
 never have secrets, even for good reasons. My
 
 88 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 dear, you can speak freely before these gentle- 
 men. I know I have done nothing wrong, so 
 whatever you say can only prove the more 
 clearly how innocent I am. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [Who has for some time been trying m 
 vain by gestures and exclamations to 
 stop CATHERINE'S flow of words, and 
 has been showing signs of extreme impa- 
 tience .] 
 
 The powder! Give me the powder! Master 
 Simon Colline, your powder your white pow- 
 der, for God's sake! 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Never was a deafness-producing powder 
 more needed, that's sure. Be so kind as to sit 
 down, your Honour. Master Serafin Dulau- 
 rier will inject the cophosis powder in your 
 ears. 
 
 (The doctors crowd about LEONARD, and 
 inject the powder first in one ear and 
 then in the other.)
 
 A DUMB WIFE 89 
 
 MASTER SEEAFIN 
 
 Gladly, sir, gladly. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 There! 'Tis done. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 [To MASTER ADAM FUMEE.] 
 
 Master Adam, you are a lawyer. Make my 
 husband hear reason. Tell him that he must 
 listen to me, that it's unheard of to condemn a 
 wife without letting her state her case, tell him 
 it's not right to throw brief-bags at your wife's 
 head yes, he threw brief-bags at my head 
 unless you are forced to it by some very strong 
 feeling or reason. ... Or no ! no, I'll tell him 
 myself. 
 
 [To LEONARD.] 
 
 My dear, answer me, have I ever failed you 
 in anything? Am I a naughty woman? Am I 
 a bad wife? No, I have been faithful to my 
 duty ; I may even say I have loved my duty . . .
 
 90 THE MAN WHO MARRIED 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 [His face expressing beatitude, as he calm- 
 It/ twirls his thumbs.] 
 'Tis delicious. I can't hear a thing. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 Listen to me, Leonard, I love you tenderly. 
 I will open my heart to you. I am not one of 
 those light, frivolous women who are afflicted 
 or consoled by airy nothings, and amused by 
 trifles. (She puts her arms about him and they 
 rock back and forth, LEONARD grinning from 
 ear to ear.) I need companionship. I need to 
 be understood. That is my nature I was born 
 so. When I was only seven years old I had a 
 little dog, a little yellow dog. . . . But you're 
 not listening to me ... 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 Madam, he can't listen to you, or to any- 
 one else. He can't hear. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 What do you mean he can't hear? 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 I mean just that. He can'f hear, as the re- 
 sult of a cure he has just taken. 
 
 (The BLIND MAN is heard again, playing 
 the same air.)
 
 " 'Tis delicious ! I can't hear a tiling."
 
 A DUMB WIFE 91 
 
 MASTER SERAFIN 
 
 A cure which has produced in him a sweet 
 and pleasant cophosis. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 I'll make him hear, I tell you. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 No, you won't, madam; it can't be done. 
 
 CATHERINE 
 
 You shall see. 
 
 [To her husband, affectionately.] 
 My dear, my beloved, my pretty one, my 
 sweetheart, my better-half. . . . You don't 
 hear me? 
 
 [She shakes him.] 
 
 You monster, you Herod, you Bluebeard, 
 you old cuckold. 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 I can't hear her with my ears, but I hear 
 her only too well with my arms, and with my 
 shoulders and back. 
 
 MASTER SIMON 
 
 She is going mad.
 
 MASTER MAUGIER 
 
 She has gone mad ! Stark staring mad ! 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Oh! How can I get away? ( CATHERINE 
 bites his neck.) Oh ! She has bitten me, I feel 
 myself going mad, too. 
 
 (The BLIND MAN has come forward, play- 
 ing and singing the first verse of his 
 song. Meanwhile CATHERINE and LEON- 
 ARD go singing and dancing about, and 
 bite the others, who likewise go mad and 
 sing and dance wildly, all at the front 
 of the stage. The other characters of 
 the play come in the CANDLE MAN, 
 CHIMNEY SWEEP, MADAME DE LA BRU- 
 INE, etc.; all are caught and bitten, and 
 join in the song and the dance, which 
 resolves itself into the old-fashioned 
 country "right and left", as they sing 
 the second verse.) 
 
 ALL 
 
 Along the rippling river's bank, 
 La dee ra, la dee ra,
 
 "Oh! She has bitten me!'
 
 93 
 
 Along the wimpling water's bank, 
 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 Along the bank so shady 
 I met the miller's lady 
 And danced with her the livelong day, 
 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 And oh! I danced my heart away, 
 
 La dee ra, dee ra, day. 
 (As LEONARD BOTAL reaches the centre 
 
 of the front stage, the dance stops a 
 
 moment for him to say to the audience :) 
 
 LEONARD 
 
 Good gentlemen and ladies, we pray you to 
 forgive the author all his faults. 
 
 ( The dance re-commences, and as the cur- 
 tain falls all dance off left or right, smg- 
 vng the refrain.) 
 
 , diminuendo 
 I danced with her the livelong day, 
 
 La dee ra, la dee ra, 
 And oh! I danced my heart away, 
 
 La dee ra, dee ra, day. 
 
 CURTAIN
 
 BLIND MAN'S SONG AND DANCE 
 ( To the tune of "Dargason." ) 
 
 gRtfl N I 
 (qr tt fl J I J 
 
 There's lots of good fish in the sea, La 
 
 dee - ra, la dee ra, Now who will come and 
 
 fish with me ? La dee - ra, la dee ra, Now 
 
 who with me will fish - ing go, My dain - ty, dain - ty 
 
 r t 
 
 dam - sel, O, Come fish the live - long day with me, And 
 
 who will then be caught, we'll see, La dee - ra, la 
 
 dee - ra, La dee - ra, dee - ra - day.
 
 DRINKING SONG 
 
 (To the tune of "The Beggar.") 
 See Folk Songs from Somerset, No. 82. 
 
 Then drink and drink and drink a - gain, And 
 
 m 
 
 drown all care and pain, Good friends must drink be - 
 
 Afe 
 
 
 fore they part, To warm the cock - les of the heart. 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Let the back and the sides go bare, my boys, Let the 
 
 & . 
 
 i 
 1 
 
 hands and the feet gang cold But give to the bel-ly, boys, 
 
 wine e - nough, Whether it be new or old.
 
 STREET CRIES 
 
 Chickweed. 
 
 *> 
 
 3t 
 
 Chick - weed, 
 
 Chick weed, good 
 
 
 
 bird-seed, good bird-seed, good bird-seed for sale. 
 Sweeps. 
 
 = 
 
 Sweep, Sweep, your chim - neys my 
 
 :$: 
 
 1 
 
 la dies, 
 Water Cress. 
 
 Sweep them clear and clean. 
 
 Era 1 
 
 Goodwa-ter cress, fresh from the spring, keeps you heal thy and 
 
 &= 
 
 hearty, Six farthings a bunch, Six farth-ings a bunch. 
 Candles. 
 
 Can- dies, Cot-ton-wick can-dies, burn bright as the stars.
 
 121279
 
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