OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 Of 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 DARL EV 
 
 STRAY 
 
 .3MICT 
 
 
 "H 
 
 r OLD UN"AND THE "YOUNG UN . 
 
 WITH BKAUTilTL UJ.USTRATIONS,. 
 
 FROM ORIGINAL DESIGNS BY DARLEY 
 PHILADELPHIA^ 
 
 ;B.PEIRSGL1&BBD 
 

 
HANS HOOPER, THE NORSK- IIItKAK Kit. 1 <J> 
 

 I 
 t 
 
 v 7 A 
 / // i 
 
 S T R A Y 8 II B J E C T S 
 
 AHKKSTKJ) AM) BOUND OVKU. 
 
 Take him ;i\v;iy," slmoke 1 the Qnakor, noiirly fnii)(iiii- Avilh paiu. P<iye 59. 
 
 1MII \, A I) KM II I A: 
 T. J3. IM^TIOIISON & BKO l HKHS. 
 
STRAY SUBJECTS, 
 
 ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER: 
 
 BEING THE 
 
 FUGITIVE OFFSPRING 
 
 OF THE 
 
 OLD UN" AND THE "YOUNG UN/ 
 
 THAT HAVE BEEN LYING ROUND LOOSE," AND ARE NOW 
 " TIED UP" FOR FAST KEEPING. 
 
 WITH EIGHT ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS, 
 
 FROM 
 
 DESIGNS BY BARLEY. 
 
 P t) 1 1 a & e I p 1) t a : 
 
 T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHEKS, 
 806 CHESTNUTSTREET. 
 
Kntered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1848, by 
 
 CAREY AND HART, 
 
 in the Clerk s Office of the District Court of the United State*, in and for th* 
 Eastern District of Pennsylvania. 
 
 COLLINS, PRINTER. 
 
pr 
 
 WILLIAM T. PORTER, ESQ. 
 
 KKTOR Or THE NEW YORK SPIRIT OF THE TIMES, 
 
 THIS VOLUME 
 
 IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED, 
 
 Af A ILIUHT TOKEN OF REGARD AND ESTIEM 
 BT Ut FSHNM 
 
 THE AUTHORS. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 A VOLUME like the present, a mere collection of " un- 
 considered trifles/ would seem to require no regular 
 introduction ; but, as a preface is regarded as essential 
 to a book, we can but follow the fashion set by our 
 illustrious predecessors. 
 
 The sketches which follow were written generally 
 to while away a tedious hour, and fill nooks and corners 
 in the newspaper press, unoccupied by worthier matter 
 The greater part of them were published in the New 
 
 IT 
 
 York " Spirit of the Times," and the circulation they 
 received is fairly attributable, less to their intrinsic merit, 
 than to the high reputation of that admirable journal, 
 in which our lucubrations have been preserved, like 
 flies in amber. Some of the articles were originally 
 written for the Philadelphia " Saturday Courier," tht 
 
Vi PREFACE. 
 
 Boston " Daily Times," the " Boston Weekly Symbol," 
 the " Yankee Blade," and other papers. 
 
 Making no pretensions to literary merit (as they 
 were penned to serve a temporary purpose), these 
 sketches are now thrown out as a " forlorn hope," rely 
 ing on Darley s " pictures" as a corps de reserve. 
 
 FRANCIS A. DURIVAGE, 
 
 alias the " OLD UN." 
 GEORGE P. BURNHAM, 
 
 altos the " YOUNG UN." 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 frUM 
 
 HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER . .19 
 
 THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD ... 29 
 FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE, 
 
 NO. I. MACBETH .33 
 
 NO. II. OTHELLO! 37 
 
 NO. Ill ROMEO AND JULIET 41 
 
 ONE WAY TO NULLIFY A BAD LEASE . . 45 
 
 SEEING THE STEAMER OFF 47 
 
 " ZAT IS MY TRUNK ! 50 
 
 AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT ..... 51 
 
 PURCHASING A LIVE LOBSTER . 56 
 A PAIR OF PARODIES, 
 
 ALICE GREY 60 
 
 HE WORE A FLASHY WAISTCOAT ... 61 
 
 HE WANTED TO SEE THE ANIMAL .... 62 
 
 CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN JOKERS . . 65 
 
 THE LEVEN STRIKE , 69 
 
 THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" .... 74 
 
 THE STEER RIDE 77 
 
 HOW THE WOLVERINE DISCOVERED A LEAD MINE A FACT 79 
 
 A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR 83 
 
 THE STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING 87 
 
 \ WINDFALL FOR THE YOUNG UN 92 
 
Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 A TALE OF A TURKEY . .... 98 
 
 APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE 102 
 
 LOVE IN THE BOWERY 107 
 
 DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE . . . .109 
 
 TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN 114 
 
 " TOO MUCH ALIKE ! 120 
 
 A LIVE YANKEE " SNORED" OUT . . . . 124 
 
 "WOBOT BARWYMAW" 129 
 
 A GAME AT "SEVEN UP" 134 
 
 THE YANKEE WHO HAD NEVER HEARD A GONG . . J39 
 
 ONE WAY TO SHARPEN EM 142 
 
 NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENTS 147 
 
 HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT 151 
 
 CROSSING THE ALLEGHANIES 158 
 
 THE MARCH OF SCIENCE .... . - 159 
 
 SELLING " JONAS" AT THE TREMONT HOUSE . . .163 
 
 BENEVOLENCE REWARDED 165 
 
 DOING" A LANDLORD .... .171 
 
 HOW THE YANKEE MADE A QUARTER . . 174 
 
 AN AMATEUR PRESIDENT . 177 
 
 A MODEL OYSTER SHOP .... .179 
 
 THE GREAT WESTERN PIE-EATER .... 182 
 
 SAWING" AN INSPECTOR 184 
 
 MR. FAULTY S FIRST AND LAST CLUB SUPPER . . 190 
 
 HO\V HE SOLD EM . . 1M 
 
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER .... Frontispiece. 
 
 THE QUAKER AND THE LOBSTER Title Page. 
 
 THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD .... Page 25 
 
 THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING ... 90 
 
 TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN . 117 
 
 THE TALL YOUNG MAN OF TWENTY 149 
 
 BENEVOLENCE REWARDED 169 
 
 A MODEL OYSTER-SHOP 181 
 
HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER. 
 
 ON the good old island of Nassau, not many leagues 
 distant from the ancient city of New York, there lies a 
 little isolated township, which is perhaps unchronicled 
 on any map. Its houses are scattered sparingly upon 
 the southern shore of the island, and are defended from 
 the keen sea-breezes by the high bluffs that encircle the 
 small bay. The land rises with a gradual swell from the 
 sea-shore, until it attains a somewhat elevated height, 
 and the hills which oppose their brown summits to the 
 northern blast, are clothed with stunted forest-trees, ap 
 parently of great antiquity, and, being squat, broad-bot 
 tomed and rusty, are not unlike the original Dutch set 
 tlers of this old-fashioned place. The present inhabitants 
 partake of the amphibious character of their township, 
 being alternately fishermen and farmers, and equally 
 expert in bringing forth the treasures of the sea and land. 
 They are an industrious and thriving race, cherishing 
 immemorial customs, and full of old-world virtue and 
 morality. I must except, however, from this eulogy a 
 certain individual, whose history forms the subject of the 
 present sketch. 
 
 Hans Hopper was the only son of one of the most 
 industrious farmers of the village we have mentioned. 
 The old gentleman was a little plodding agriculturist, 
 but one doomed to suffer a variety of ills. It seemed as 
 if the same seasons which were favourable to his neigh- 
 
20 STB AY SUBJECTS. 
 
 hours always brought ill luck to him. He was grievously 
 afflicted with the murrain among his cattle and the blight 
 among his corn ; and if he ever had a crop that promised 
 remarkably well, the neighbours cows were sure to break 
 into the field, or some prodigious hail-storm to arise, 
 which made no havock on adjacent farms. Then he 
 was as unsuccessful in his fishing. Although his nets 
 were formed with extraordinary care, the shpd seemed 
 to have a peculiar faculty of getting through them, or 
 the horseshoes were immeshed in amazing numbers, and 
 broke their way out, to the infinite discomfort of old 
 Hopper. Thus, although as hard-working a man as any 
 in the village, he was doomed to suffer continual losses. 
 
 The villagers, who, like the people of most country 
 towns, are never at a loss to account for similar events, 
 declared that the old gentleman s ill luck was attributa 
 ble to prodigality and want of thrift in his vixen of a 
 wife and his incorrigible son. In truth, the youthful 
 Hopper did not promise to retrieve the fortunes of his 
 family. Being an only son, he was the spoiled darling 
 of father and mother, and inherited the faults of each. 
 He was much too indolent to work, but when engaged 
 in the perpetration of any mischief, there was no labour 
 too severe for him. He grew up the terror of all the 
 good housewives in the village, for not a hen could 
 cackle in his hearing without his discovering her favour 
 ite retreat and securing the new-laid treasure in all its 
 spotless beauty. 
 
 Unfortunately for the villagers, Hans contrived to be 
 on good terms with all the mastiffs of the neighbourhood ; 
 not a dog could come into the town without ackowledg- 
 ing the charm of his voice, and giving him a tacit 
 passport to all the treasures thafche guarded. " Hans was 
 
HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER. 21 
 
 a famous bird-charmer, and many an escaped canary 
 has he whistled back to perch, none of which ever re 
 turned to its original master. He could wile away 
 squirrels from their autumnal granaries, and call in the 
 screaming wild fowl from the ocean ; in short, he seemed 
 to be a universal favourite. But it is high time that I 
 should attempt some description of the hero of my tale. 
 He was short, but strongly built, with square shoulders, 
 and a person equally adapted for feats of activity and 
 strength. His limbs were incessantly in motion, and it 
 was even a penance for him to sit quietly at table. 
 But this extreme mobility of body was not participated 
 by the features of his countenance. These remained 
 ever in repose. Sometimes, indeed, his dull blue eyes 
 would light up with the smothered fire of merriment or 
 anger, but in general it was a bootless task to search his 
 countenance for a proof of what was passing in his 
 mind. Let me add that his lips were thin, his nose 
 sharp, his face covered with light freckles, and his head 
 with wiry reddish hair, and you will have as complete 
 an idea of his appearance as I can possibly convey. 
 
 Hans had no sooner attained his majority than his 
 father and mother died, leaving him their little property, 
 which consisted of the paternal homestead and a few 
 hundreds in cash at interest. He now began to think 
 of living like a gentleman, and having laid down a few 
 acres to oats, he purchased a fiery young colt, and 
 witched the village with his noble horsemanship. I have 
 mentioned that he possessed a wonderful power over 
 animals, and horses were not exempted from his sway. 
 The secret of his magic was unknown, but like Cahir na 
 Cappul, the Irish rapparee, . 
 
22 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " He had but to whisper a word, and your horse would trot out 
 of his stall." 
 
 Every one has heard of Jerry Sullivan, well known at 
 Newmarket and Epsom, and on the Curragh of Kildare, 
 who was a famous whisperer, and had a magic word by 
 which he could subdue the fiercest horse ; but I take it 
 on me to assert, that not Jerry Sullivan, in his high and 
 palmy days of equestrian distinction, could exert so 
 powerful an influence over his noble steeds as did the 
 redoubtable Hans Hopper. So remarkable, indeed, 
 were the exploits of the latter, that he was called Dare- 
 Devil Hans ; and it was confidently whispered in the 
 cosey coteries that assembled under the patriarchal roof 
 of mine host of .the Green Flagon, that the youthful Hop 
 per was more than a match for the Evil One himself. 
 Hans was aware of the distinction he had gained, and to 
 such a pitch was he inflated thereby, that I verily believe 
 he would have faced a cannon s mouth to sustain his re 
 putation especially if the deadly engine were unloaded. 
 Hans had something of a travelled reputation too, for 
 he had more than once passed the low barrier of hills 
 that sheltered the village on one side, and brought news 
 from the fair regions that spread in boundless luxuriance 
 beyond them. Mounted on his fiery colt, he made semi 
 annual excursions to Oyster-Bay, and once crossed the 
 perilous stream of the East River, and penetrated to 
 Bloomingdael, an exploit which is yet talked of by the 
 gossips of his township. In pleasant summer weather 
 he would trot his horse upon the shining beach of Coney- 
 Island, and fairly win the money of the gentlemen jockeys 
 who ran their steeds against him. A couple of months 
 ne devoted to the ungrateful task of tilling his paternal 
 
HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER. 23 
 
 acres ; but that once over, he idled away the remaining 
 portion of the year. He was lazy enough to be a poet, 
 but his exploits in literature were confined to the perusal 
 of an odd volume of the Turf Register, and a well- 
 thumbed copy of Degrafton s Farriery. 
 
 It was not long before the cash his father left him dis 
 appeared ; and, forced to take up some employment, he 
 became a jockey, and passed his time in breeding, train 
 ing, swapping, and selling horses. He was a constant 
 attendant at the Union Course, and sometimes came off 
 a great winner. But the money thus acquired was al 
 ways spent in vulgar dissipation at the tavern or the 
 cockpit ; and Dare-Devil Hans, with all his magic power 
 over horses, had much ado to support his own smart 
 bit of blood." 
 
 At length he became quite desperate, being deprived 
 of the means of keeping up a figure, and revolved the 
 expediency of parting with a favourite horse, which he 
 still kept, notwithstanding the decline of his fortunes. 
 One night, returning homeward rather late, he entered, 
 in a gloomy mood, the piece of woodland which com 
 mences on the decline of Flatbush hill, between that and 
 the pretty village of Flatbush. The axe has somewhat 
 thinned this little forest, but at the time of which I write 
 it was luxuriant and dense. Hans patted the neck of 
 his favourite steed, and sighed at the thought of parting 
 with him. No Arab of the desert was ever more 
 affectionately attached to the animal that carried him. 
 " My poor Selim," said he, I m sorry to part with 
 thee, lad, for thou art, in truth, the horse of my heart. 
 But poverty parts good company. They call me Dare- 
 Devil Hans Egad ! I wish I could only get the speech 
 
24 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 of the Old-One, I fancy we could strike a bargain in 
 the strapping of a saddle-girth," 
 
 The words had no sooner passed his lips than he 
 < became aware" of a gentlemanly stranger, clad in 
 black, and mounted on a powerful charger of the same 
 sable hue. It did not strike Hans that he had called a 
 spirit from the vasty deep, and he accordingly saluted 
 his companion. 
 
 " A fine evening for riding rather coolish though." 
 
 Cool !" returned the stranger in surprise : " I call 
 
 it as hot as ." Twas a lapsus lingua, and he 
 
 checked himself. 
 
 "Hot!" cried Hans Egad, sir, you must come 
 from a cold climate." 
 
 " The contrary, I assure you," replied the other. 
 They rode on awhile in silence. 
 
 " I say," said Hans, with another effort at conversa 
 tion ; " you ve a nice horse under you. Suppose you try 
 paces with me for a few miles." 
 
 The stranger, nothing loth, consented. Each spoke 
 cheerfully to his horse and touched him with the spur. 
 The two horses, fired with emulation, launched at once 
 into the rapid fury of the race. They warm apace, their 
 joints become suppler, their action freer, they toss their 
 manes upon the night-breeze, and snort with joyous 
 enthusiasm. The riders are as men insane the steeds 
 are as mad as their masters. They stretch like grey 
 hounds in their headlong progress ; the night-breeze 
 alone outstrips them. The flints of Flatbush sparkle 
 for a moment under foot, and then the spire of its hoary 
 cfeurch is left away behind. Victory hovered for a 
 moment, and then the black steed shot ahead. 
 
HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER. 25 
 
 " Pull up ! pull up !" cried Hans, reining in his reek 
 ing nag. " You ve distanced the best horse on the 
 island, and you must be the very d 1." 
 
 " At your service," replied the other, bowing very 
 gracefully. 
 
 Hans was overjoyed he shook hands with Eblis, and 
 invited him to honour his humble dwelling with his 
 presence. The invitation was accepted, and over a 
 strong jug of Hollands a compact was agreed upon. 
 The old gentleman promised Hans to be his banker for 
 three years, during which he was to enjoy unlimited 
 health and credit ; but at the expiration of that term his 
 Satanic Majesty was to call for the devoted Dutchman. 
 The bargain once concluded, the two allies smoked 
 pipes innumerable, and it was not until the shrill crow 
 ing of chanticleer proclaimed the near approach of 
 morning that the gentleman in sables mounted his black 
 horse and vanished in a very equivocal manner. 
 
 Hans went to bed, and awoke about ten o clock in a 
 very happy state of mind. He eat his breakfast, and 
 then sauntered down to his usual haunt, the bar-room 
 of the tavern, where he surprised some of his phlegmatic- 
 townsmen into an ejaculation, by displaying a handful 
 of gold coins. It was soon rumoured about that Hans 
 had come into possession of a handsome legacy ; and 
 all who had previously shunned him, crowded eagerly 
 to make his acquaintance. Foremost among the herd 
 of flatterers were those whose hen-roosts had been 
 oftenest visited by the youthful Hopper but they forgot 
 all in the enthusiasm of the moment. 
 
 Hans was now able to hold up his head among the 
 best, and kept company with celebrated training-grooms 
 
 B 
 
26 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 and famous jockeys, the magnates of the land. He 
 bought a full-blooded Virginia mare, and became a 
 member of the Jockey Club. All his speculations on 
 the turf were fortunate, and all his drafts upon his secret 
 banker duly honoured. In fact, his affairs were soon so 
 prosperous that he refunded to his ally all the money he 
 had loaned him, with a handsome interest, and refused 
 any longer to receive his aid. The devil waxed exceed 
 ingly wroth at this, and became as impatient for the time 
 when he might claim his due, as Hans was reluctant to 
 have that time approach. 
 
 Meantime our hero, feeling the growing responsibility 
 of a moneyed man, determined to reform his evil habits, 
 ceased to frequent the bar-room of the Green Flagon, 
 and assumed a serious demeanour. He repaired the 
 venerable mansion of his fathers, and having placed his 
 household affairs in the strictest order, led to the hy 
 meneal altar the daughter of a wealthy farmer of Jamaica, 
 a young and blooming girl. In less than a year after, 
 he was assured that his possessions would not pass out 
 of the family for want of an heir. But in the midst of 
 all this happiness poor Hans often shuddered when he 
 reflected how rapidly the time was passing, and how 
 soon his infernal creditor would come to claim his dues. 
 
 As the fatal night drew near, his spirits seemed to 
 forsake him. He was often absent and moody, and 
 would sometimes sit by the hour together gazing on his 
 wife and child with tearful eyes, and .shaking his head 
 mournfully if any question was asked him. The green 
 hues of summer had brightened into the hectic tints of 
 autumn ; the evenings were bleak and desolate ; and 
 Hans, as if sympathizing with universal nature, shud- 
 
HANS HOPPER, THE HORSE-BREAKER. 27 
 
 dered as he drew his chair closer to the fire. He now 
 seldom stirred abroad, except to exercise his horses. 
 He frequented no races, went to no merry-rnakings, and 
 seemed a sadly altered man. One night his wife had 
 gone to bed betimes, and he was left sitting up alone. 
 It was the fatal night, and the hour was approaching. 
 Poor Hans sat gazing at the dial-plate of the old clock, 
 and counting every tick with feverish solicitude. At 
 length the clock struck twelve. Hans started up, and 
 listened. Directly- after there was a thundering knock 
 at the back door, and he hastened to open it. Though 
 the night was dark, he recognised his fiendish creditor 
 by the fiery glare of his eyeballs, and the ruddy glow 
 that issued from his mouth ; while his barbed tail, that 
 verified the portraits in the picture-books, was whisking 
 restlessly to and fro, and describing arcs of circles on 
 the frozen ground. 
 
 " Come !" cried his majesty, " you re v anted." 
 A thought, so vivid and instantaneous, that it seemed 
 providential, flashed across the mind of Hans. He 
 knocked the hat from the head of his fiendish visiter, 
 and ere the latter could recover himself, he seized one 
 of his horns with both hands and dragged hm to a range 
 of pegs on w ? hich he hung his harness. Before the 
 astounded demon could recover himself, HJMIS snatched 
 a formidable cowskin, and thrust a severe bit into the 
 mouth of the arch enemy. He then began beating him 
 with might and main. The tortured fiend fell upon his 
 hands and knees. In an instant Dare-Devil Han> sprung 
 upon his back and inflicted the severest discipline. The 
 fiend bolted and leaped from the house, but Hans was 
 as firmly seated as the Old Man of the Mountain or the 
 
28 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 back of Sindbad. His degraded majesty roared beneath 
 the lash, reared, plunged, and used every mischievous 
 exertion of which his tremendous strength was capable, 
 to unseat his rider, but in vain. At length, when he 
 was totally obedient, Hans vaulted lightly to the ground 
 and let him go. The liberated demon fled like a bolt 
 from a bow, leaving behind a long trail of fiery light that 
 shone like the track of a comet in the evening air. Hans 
 breathed freely he was free but this was not all ; for, 
 on going into his front yard, he discovered the devil s 
 horse tied firmly to the palings. He endeavoured to 
 lead the animal to his stable ; but the beast proving re 
 fractory, he vaulted lightly on his back, and applied to 
 him the same discipline which had subdued his master, 
 with the same success. From that time horse and man 
 were friends. The creature (named Beelzebub, in 
 commemoration of his former owner) was a valuable 
 acquisition, for he won many a plate and sweepstakes for 
 his master, and introduced a breed of colts into the 
 island of extraordinary strength and fire. Hans is yet 
 alive, and from his own lips I learned his story. He 
 concluded his narration in the following words; That 
 black horse was a jewel and there was but one bad 
 thing about him when he was taken sick, brimstone 
 wouldn t physic him." 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
THE FASTEST FUNERiL ON RECORD. 
 
 " Hurrah ! hurrah ! the dead ride fast- 
 Dost fear to ride with me ?" Burger s Leonora. 
 
 " This fellow has no feeling of his business." Hamlet. 
 
 I HAD just crossed the long bridge leading from Boston 
 to Cambridgeport, and was plodding my dusty way on 
 foot through that not very agreeable suburb on a sultry 
 afternoon in July, with a very creditable thunder-cloud 
 coming up in my rear, when a stout elderly gentleman, 
 with a mulberry face, a brown coat, and pepper-and-salt 
 smalls, reined up his nag, and after learning that I was 
 bound for Old Cambridge, politely invited me to take a 
 seat beside him in the little sort of tax-cart he was driving. 
 
 O 
 
 Nothing loth, I consented, and we were soon en route. 
 The mare he drove \vas a very peculiar animal. She 
 had few good points to the eye, being heavy-bodied, 
 hammer-headed, thin in the shoulders, bald-faced, and 
 rejoicing in a little stump of a tail which was almost 
 entirely innocent of hair. But there were " lots of 
 muscle," as Major Longbow says, in her hind quarters. 
 
 " She aint no Wenus, sir," said my new acquaint 
 ance, pointing with his whip to the object of my scrutiny 
 " but handsome is as handsome does. Them s my 
 sentiments. She s a rum un to .look at, but a good un 
 to go." 
 
 "Indeed?" 
 
 " Yes, Sir! That there mare, sir, has made good 
 time I may say, very good time before the hearse." 
 
30 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 "Before the hearse?" 
 
 " Before the hearse ! S pose you never heard of 
 burying a man on time ! I m a sexton, sir, and under 
 taker JACK CROSSBONES, at your service < Daddy 
 Crossbones they call me at PORTER S." 
 
 " Ah ! I understand. Your mare ran away with the 
 hearse." 
 
 " Ran away! A child could hold her. Oh! yes, of 
 course she ran away," added the old gentleman, look 
 ing full in my face with a very quizzical expression, 
 and putting the fore finger of his right hand on the right 
 side of his party-coloured proboscis. 
 
 " My dear sir," said I, " you have excited my 
 curiosity amazingly, and I should esteem it a par 
 ticular favour if you would be a little less oracular and 
 a little more explicit." 
 
 "I don t know as I d ought to tell you," said my 
 new acquaintance, very slowly and tantalizingly. If 
 you was one of these here writing chaps, you might poke 
 it in the < Spirit of the Times, and then it would be all 
 day with me. But I don t care if I do make a clean 
 breast of it. Honour bright, you know!" 
 
 Of course." 
 
 "Well, then, I live a piece up beyond Old Cam 
 bridge you can see our steeple off on a hill to the 
 right, when we get a little further. Well, one day, 1 
 had a customer (he was carried off by the typhus) 
 which had to be toted into town cause why ? he had 
 a vault there. So I rubbed down the old mare and 
 put her in the fills. Ah! Sir! that critter knows as 
 much as a Injun, and more than a Nigger. She s as 
 sober as be d d when she gets the shop that s 
 
THE FASTEST FUNERAL ON RECORD. 31 
 
 what I call the hearse behind her. You would not 
 think she was a three-minute nag, to look at her. 
 Well, sir, as luck would have it, by a sort of providen 
 tial inspiration, the day before, Pd took off the old 
 wooden springs and set the body on elliptics. For I 
 thought it a hard case that a gentleman who d been 
 riding easy all his life, should go to his grave on 
 wooden springs. Ah ! I deal well by my customers. I 
 thought of patent boxes to the wheels, but / couldn t 
 afford it, and the parish are so mighty stingy. 
 
 " Well, I got him in, and led off the string fourteen 
 hacks, and a dearborn wagon at the tail of the funeral. 
 We made a fine show. As luck would have it, just as 
 we came abreast of Porter s, out slides that eternal tor 
 ment, BILL SIKES, in his new trotting sulky, with the 
 brown horse that he bought for a fast crab, and is 
 mighty good for a rush, but hain t got nigh so much 
 bottom as the mare. Bill s light weight, and his sulky s 
 a mere feather. Well, sir, Bill came up alongside, and 
 walked his horse a bit. He looked at the mare and 
 then at me, and then he winked. Then he looked at 
 his nag and put his tongue in his cheek, and winked. 
 I looked straight ahead, and only said to myself, < Cuss 
 you, Bill Sikes. By and by, he let his horse slide. 
 He travelled about a hundred yards, and then held up 
 till I came abreast, and then he winked and bantered 
 me again. It was d d aggravatin . Says I to myself, 
 says I < that s twice you ve done it, my buzzum friend 
 and sweet-scented shrub but you doesn t do that ere 
 again. The third time he bantered me, I let him have 
 it. It was only saying < Scat, you brute! and she was 
 off that mare. He had all the odds, you know, for 
 
32 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 I was toting a two hundred pounder, and he ought tr 
 have beat me like breaking sticks, now hadn t he ? H<\ 
 had me at the first brush, for I told you the brown horse 
 -was a mighty fast one for a little ways. But soon I 
 lapped him. I had no whip, and he could use his 
 string but he had his hands full. Side by side, away 
 we went. Rattle-te-bang ! crack ! buz ! thump ! And 
 I afraid of losing my customer on the road. But I was 
 more afraid of losing the race. The reputation of the 
 old mare was at a stake, and I swore she should have* 
 a fair chance. We went so fast that the posts and rails 
 by the road-side looked like a log fence. The old 
 church and the new one, and the colleges, spun past 
 like Merry Andrews. The hackmen did not know 
 
 what the was to pay, and, afraid of not being in 
 
 at the death, they put the string onto their teams, and 
 came clattering on behind as if Satan had kicked em 
 on eend. Some of the mourners was sporting charac 
 ters, and they craned out of the carriage windows and 
 waved their handkerchiefs. The President of Harvard 
 College himself, inspired by the scene, took off his 
 square tile as I passed his house, and waving it three 
 times round his head, cried, Go it, Boots! It is a 
 fact. And I beat him, sir! I beat him, in three miles, 
 a hundred rods. He gin it up, sir, in despair. 
 
 His horse was off his feed for a week, and when he 
 took to corn again he wasn t worth a straw. It was 
 acknowledged on all hands to be the fastest funeral on 
 record, though I say it as shouldn t. I m an under 
 taker, sir, and I never yet was overtaken." 
 
 On subsequent inquiry at Porter s, where the sporting 
 sexton left me, I found that his story was strictly true 
 
FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SIIAKSI ERE. 33 
 
 in all the main particulars. A terrible rumpus was 
 kicked up about the race, but Crossbones swore lustily 
 that the mare had run away that he had sawed away 
 two inches of her lip in trying to hold her up, and that 
 he could not have done otherwise, unless he had run 
 her into a fence and spilled his 4 customer into the 
 ditch. If any one expects to die anywhere near the 
 sexton s diggings, I can assure him that the jolly old 
 boy is still alive and kicking, the very < Ace of Hearts 
 and Jack of Spades, and that now both patent boxes 
 and elliptic springs render his professional conveyance 
 the easiest running thing on the road. 
 
 FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 
 
 No. 1. 
 
 MACBETH. 
 
 IN these days of modern improvement, when economy 
 properly embraces time as well as the expenditure of 
 money, literature as well as manufacturing pursuits have 
 their labour-saving processes. By new methods children 
 are taught algebra and metaphysics, and we doubt not 
 before long that infants will be weaned on Differential 
 Calculus instead of sugar candy. Everything has been 
 abridged. The History of the World is now compressed 
 into one duodecimo, and all the arts and sciences are 
 snugly lodged in one fat octavo. We propose to do 
 our part by attempting the production of a Shakspere 
 made Easy, hoping to get the cream of the great dra- 
 
34 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 matic bard into a few < neat paragraphs. Our conden 
 sation will be found to be an adequate substitute for the 
 long-winded lucubrations of the prosy and over-estimated 
 poet. As a specimen of our plan and our ability, we 
 will take up the character and tragedy of Macbeth. 
 
 Macbeth is a Scotch gentleman, supposed to have 
 flourished in some remote period of antiquity, before the 
 Celts had learned their letters or the art of penmanship. 
 Great nations always begin backwards. Their first pro 
 ceeding is to achieve great deeds their last to record 
 them. Some people have doubted whether Macbeth 
 ever existed but we have had ocular evidence that he 
 did exist. We have ourself seen him in the persons of 
 Cooper, Forrest, Kean, Macready, Anderson, and last, 
 not least, Mr. Smith Brown, to whom we are inclined 
 to award the palm of histrionic superiority. The latter 
 gentleman we saw perform the character in a hall at 
 Lowell to a small but highly select and discriminating 
 audience, consisting of four factory girls, three stout 
 gentlemen connected with the Lowell and Boston line 
 of coaches, and a very enterprising merchant in the 
 roast peanut and molasses candy trade. Mr. Smith 
 Brown s voice was rather more cracked and unmanage 
 able than Macready s, and consequently better fitted to 
 portray the wild and fluctuating fortunes of the < Thane 
 of Cawdor. In the final fight with MacdufThe revolved 
 slowly on his heel, leaving his back completely exposed 
 to his ferocious adversary. But as c One good turn de 
 serves another, Macduff generously refused to take ad 
 vantage of this pirouette, and Mr. Smith Brown was not 
 killed until several seconds afterwards. 
 
 In Macbeth, Shakspere seems to have designed a 
 
FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 35 
 
 display of the disadvantages of being henpecked ; for 
 Mrs. Macbeth, though a Scotchwoman, is also a Tartar. 
 She was the original Mrs. Caudle, and her curtain lec 
 tures changed her husband from a quiet performer on 
 the Scottish violin and an ardent lover of rappee, to an 
 ambitious seeker after royalty. As there is a long step 
 between his original position and that of the monarch 
 of Scotland, he determines to succeed in his, or rather 
 in his wife s object by imitating the Catholic Priests, 
 and cutting off all the hairs (hdrs) to the crown. Hence 
 he receives Duncan into his castle with the cheerful 
 politeness manifested by the spider to the fly : 
 
 " ( Won t you walk into my parlour ? 
 Said the spider to the fly." 
 
 Duncan goes to bed. Macbeth, in what we always 
 supposed to be an access of delirium tremens, sees dou 
 ble that is, he sees a dagger^ in the air and another in 
 his own hand. He walks into his guest s room, the 
 door of which the latter has forgotten to lock, without 
 stumbling over his boots in the entry, and giving him 
 his quietus, walks out again as if he had performed rather 
 a meritorious action. When the deed is discovered, he 
 lynches a couple of servants whom he charges with the 
 crime. We forgot to mention that his success had been 
 predicted to him by three old maiden ladies who met 
 him and told his fortune on what Shakspere, with the 
 reprehensible coarseness of his period, calls a < blasted 
 heath, Macbeth giving them a half a crown to insure 
 him a whole one. By force of habit as well as principle, 
 he next has his friend Banquo killed but the latter 
 gentleman amuses himself by rising from the grave and 
 
36 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 reappearing unto Macbeth at the supper-table, with all 
 sorts of unpleasant faces, making himself as disagreeable 
 as possible, until he disappears under the stage by means 
 of a trap-door, to wash off the red ochre and bury his 
 cares and countenance in a pot of porter. After coming 
 a variety of naughty games, and rendering himself liable 
 to numerous indictments, this fine old Scottish gentle 
 man is driven into a corner by one Mr. Macduff, a very 
 spunky and wrathy individual, who does not think the 
 usurper a nice man, and declares the means by which 
 he obtained the gilt paper coronet that is stuck on the 
 top of his black wig, < very tolerable and not to be en 
 dured. To be sure, Macduff is rather prejudiced against 
 the other Mac from the fact that the latter has chosen to 
 while away a tedious half hour by putting Mrs. Macduff 
 and all the little Masters and Misses Macduff out of 
 their misery ; consequently he flares up and fires aw r ay 
 and bestows many opprobrious epithets upon Mr. Mac 
 beth, calling him among other things a < hell-kite, and 
 using other expressions unbecoming a gentleman and 
 scholar. 
 
 The upshot of it is, that the two Mr. Mc s have a 
 pitched battle. Some commentators have supposed that 
 previous to this fight Macbeth had become reduced in 
 his circumstances and sought employment as an ostler, 
 from the fact that he talks about c dying with harness on 
 his back ; but as we have discovered that harness and 
 armour are synonymous, we have come to the conclusion 
 that he might more properly be termed a mail-carrier. 
 Macbeth had relied upon getting the best of it, because 
 the three maiden ladies above referred to assured him 
 that 
 
FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 37 
 
 " No man of woman born 
 Could harm Macbeth." 
 
 But Macduff, being a self-made man, succeeds in 
 flooring his ferocious adversary. What became of the 
 body whether it was sold to the surgeons, or given to 
 the friends of the deceased (if he had any we are in 
 clined to infer that he had not, from MacdufPs hitting 
 him ), neither history nor Shakspere states. In fact, it 
 is of very little importance ; and the moral the drama 
 teaches, is the danger of one s permitting his better half 
 to wear those habiliments which are the distinguishing 
 characteristics of the costume of the male sex. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 No. 2. 
 OTHELLO. 
 
 THIS individual was a coloured gentleman, who, at the 
 period chosen by the dramatist to present him to his 
 readers, wore a couple of epaulettes, and a broadsword 
 much too long for him, in the service of the Venetian 
 Republic. From the frequent allusions made to the 
 intensity of his colour, we are led to infer that his pre 
 tensions to Moorish origin were all humbug, and that he 
 was actually a full blooded nigger . In fact, a scrap of 
 poetry, never before published, in Shakspere s (< mean 
 ing Bill s ) own hand-writing, preserved in the Bodleian 
 Library, says, evidently referring to Othello, 
 
 " My nigger, him colour berry black; 
 He eat him belly-full, him drink him whack. 
 Nobody dare play lark on him. 
 
38 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Him got courage, so I don t deceive ; 
 And him so berry black, you hardly believe 
 Charcoal make a white mark on him." 
 
 This is direct evidence worth all the flimsy specula 
 tions of all the commentators. Shakspere says nothing 
 touching the origin and education of his hero. He was 
 probably first attached in a subordinate capacity to the 
 army of the Republic, being doubtless employed to 
 wait upon table and black the officers boots. 
 
 Evincing, we are inclined to believe, evidences of 
 pugnacity in various sets-to with his brother bootblacks, 
 and probably making himself agreeable to his officers by 
 jumping Jim Crow, playing on the bones, and imitating 
 the bull-gine, he was at length honoured by being 
 permitted to march in a forlorn hope, and unquestion 
 ably earned a commission by butting down a score of 
 the enemy. Step by step he rises. He finally shuffles 
 himself into the good graces of Miss Desdemona, the 
 mild and pretty daughter of a fiery old gentleman in a 
 white wig and yellow boots, named Brabantio. They 
 elope, and run to the nearest magistrate, who unites 
 them in the bonds of holy wedlock, and receives, instead 
 of a shilling, a promise from Othello to owe it to him. 
 When this proceeding is made known to Brabantio by 
 one Mr. lago, an unpleasant individual in corkscrew 
 curls and disagreeable boots, (< his worship s ancient, 
 or < Old Un, ) he grows very red in the face, indulges 
 in numerous expletives, and talks of having Othello 
 marched off between two constables, in accordance 
 with the old common law adage : 
 
 " He who takes what isn t his n, 
 When he s caught must go to prison." 
 
FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 39 
 
 But the Senators, who do not, like our Senators, wear 
 hats and hunting-shirts in the Senate-Chamber, but, on 
 the contrary, are dressed in very red baize gowns and 
 very white tow wigs, are of different opinion from Mr. 
 Brabantio ; or rather, requiring the services of the re 
 markable nigger who commands their forces, because 
 the Turks have been menacing their frontier, and kick 
 ing up a confounded fuss generally, listen to Othello s 
 defence, in fact a very lame one, and tell Mr. Brabantio 
 to go about his business, a recommendation which, as 
 he is a retired shop-keeper, and lives upon his interest, 
 is adding insult to injury. To return to his < Worship s 
 Ancient. This unpleasant individual gets hold, for 
 purposes of his own, of one Michael Cassio, the orderly 
 sergeant of Othello s own regiment, who commands the 
 guard at Cyprus. This unfortunate young man is in 
 duced to drink a large amount of liquor until his intellects 
 become completely obfuscated, notwithstanding which, 
 the Sergeant asserts that he is not drunk because he can 
 tell his left hand from his right, and to prove it, immediate 
 ly pitches into one Roderigo, < a foolish gentleman in love 
 with Desdemona. This coming to the ears of General 
 Othello, induces the latter to dismiss him ; a sentence 
 spoken in the following words : 
 
 " Cassio ! I lub thee 
 But nebber more be ossifer of mine." 
 
 To make a long story short, the unpleasant individual 
 in the disagreeable boots succeeds in making Othello 
 jealous of his wife, Mr. Ex-Sergeant Cassio being the 
 alleged invader of the marital rights. The burden of 
 the proof lies in Cassio s possession of a pocket-hand- 
 
40 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 kerchief, a white cotton one with a strawberry border, 
 which Othello, in a sudden fit of generosity, once gave 
 his wife. lago steals this handkerchief, but makes the 
 ex-bootblack believe that Desdemona has given it to 
 Cassio. It is easily identified by more senses than one, 
 because Desdemona is so much attached to it that she 
 never sends it to the washerwoman, although it is in 
 constant use. The intelligence of the Ancient s treach 
 ery and the innocence of Desdemona comes just in time 
 to be too late, for Othello, being very much put out 
 himself, puts out the light with an extinguisher, and then 
 extinguishes Desdemona with a pillow, notwithstanding 
 his recent declaration, so finely given by Mr. Rice, the 
 only correct representative of the character : 
 
 " Excellent wench 
 
 Perdition catch my soul, hut I do luh thee ! 
 And .when I luh thee not, 
 Shay-horse is come again !" 
 
 However, we are perfectly willing to allow that no 
 thing could possibly be more handsome or gentlemanly 
 than Othello s full confession of regret, when it is too 
 late to do any good the very prompt manner in which 
 he puts his sword through his Ancient, as one would pin 
 a fly against a wall, and the complete amends he makes 
 to all parties concerned, by severing his own jugular 
 with a rusty carving-knife, < to the satisfaction of his 
 friends and the public generally. The play is deeply 
 and clearly moral. It enforces on the minds of young 
 ladies and gentlemen the propriety of marrying people 
 of their own colour it teaches statesmen the danger of 
 putting coloured gentlemen into false positions, and teach- 
 
FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 41 
 
 cs temperance to all orderly sergeants and corporals, 
 whether of l horse, foot, or heavy dragoons. Bill really 
 made quite a hit in this piece, and we hope he had a 
 good benefit when it was played on his account at the 
 Globe. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 No. 3. 
 
 ROMEO AND JULIET. 
 
 THIS play is evidently intended as a bitter satire on 
 the very foolish and inconsiderate manner in which ladies 
 and gentlemen of immature age fall in love with each 
 other without the slightest provocation, to their own dis 
 comfort and discredit, and the intense aggravation of 
 their friends and relations. Mr. Romeo Montague is a 
 very interesting young gentleman who has some preten 
 sions to good looks, and accordingly sets himself up for 
 an Adonis, cultivating a moustache, and spending all his 
 pocket money in Cologne water and Macassar oil. He 
 is principally occupied in doing nothing, sauntering 
 about the streets in company with a pair of scapegraces 
 of his acquaintance, named Mercutio and Ben Some 
 thing Ben Folio, we believe. As he is engaged to be 
 married to a very pretty and worthy girl, with a snug 
 little property of her own, and a fair prospect of enjoy 
 ing uninterrupted happiness, it is of course quite in the 
 ordinary course of young gentlemen of his kidney to 
 jilt his faithful love and tumble head over heels in love 
 with one Miss Juliet Capulet, the daughter of a gentle 
 man at deadly feud with Mr. Romeo s familv in fact 
 
42 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 all the Montagues and Capulets are together by the ears, 
 and even the scullions of the opposing houses are sure 
 to pitch into each other when they meet at the butcher s 
 shop or grocer s store it being very natural for kitchen 
 scullions to have a broil. This Miss Juliet we take to 
 be a very romantic, novel-reading sort of a miss, exces 
 sively given to star-gazing, and profoundly ignorant of 
 
 the mystery of making pies and d g stockings. She 
 
 has an interview with young Romeo in her father s gar 
 den he having scaled the wall like a scaly fellow for the 
 double purpose of making love and stealing horse-ches- 
 nuts. Unlike Ophelia, Miss Capulet has a harsh, creak 
 ing voice, as she herself tells us : 
 
 " Else would I tear the cave where Echo lies, 
 
 And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine." 
 
 Matters drive on very fast. After being privately 
 united to Romeo, Juliet is betrothed to one Count 
 Paris but to prevent her being indicted for bigamy, 
 an old Friar gives her a drug to lull her to sleep, and 
 she is buried in a trance, in the tomb of all the Capu 
 lets. We forgot to mention such trivial affairs as one 
 Tybalt s killing Mercutio, and one Romeo killing Tybalt, 
 as these little incidents were quite common to the period, 
 and altogether beneath one s notice. Romeo, thinking 
 his mistress really dead, goes to an apothecary and 
 spends his last half-dollar in purchasing a junk bottle of 
 bed-bug poison, and an ounce of ratsbane, with which 
 he repairs to the vault of the Capulets to have a good 
 cry upon Juliet s tomb, and a comfortable lunch on his 
 refreshments. By way of pastime, and just to have one 
 more bit of fun before he makes away with himself, he 
 
FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 43 
 
 has a fencing-bout with Mr. Paris, who very fortunately 
 happens to be cooling his heels in the churchyard, and 
 puts his smallsword through that gentleman s waistcoat 
 in quite a cheerful and pleasant style, and much to his 
 own satisfaction. He makes his way into the tomb, 
 converses with himself after the approved fashion of all 
 the young gentlemen in all of Shakspeare s plays, takes 
 a good drink of the bed-bug, chews a little arsenic, and 
 lies down to cool himself off. It would seem that the 
 druggist dealt in nothing but first rate articles, according 
 to the following statement in the play : 
 
 " Here s to my love ! Oh, true apothecary ! 
 
 [Drinks the poison. } 
 Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die. 
 
 Miss Capulet wakes up, and after rubbing her eyes, 
 sees her lover stretched on the cold earth before her. 
 Observing a junk bottle near him, her first suspicion is, 
 that in desperation at her supposed death he has taken 
 to drink, and stumbled into the vault in a state of inex 
 cusable inebriety to sleep off the effects of his debauch, 
 and wake with a headache the next morning. A label 
 on the bottle in the handwriting of the apothecary 
 (" Don t tech this ere it s pizen") undeceives her. 
 She knows that her lover has committed a felo de se. 
 She hopes to find a drop left, but Romeo, determined 
 to get his money s worth, has drained the bottle dry. 
 After searching in his pockets, she finds a double-bladed 
 buck-handled knife, with which the poor young man 
 was accustomed to pare apples and whittle walking- 
 sticks, and after calling it very romantically a da^-ge^ 
 
44 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 she puts it into her heart with a request that it -will rust 
 there, and permit her as a great favour to expire. 
 
 " This is thy sheath ; there rust and let me die." 
 
 Of course the dagger has no objections, and the 
 young lady expires. As a wind-up to this disastrous 
 affair, which of course found its way into the papers of 
 Verona, and made the fortunes of the newsboys, the 
 Montagues and the Capulets come together, shake hands 
 over the remains of the young gentleman and lady, and 
 go to bed with easy consciences and every prospect of 
 continued happiness, Mr. Montague having made a most 
 extravagant assertion w r ith regard to his intentions : 
 
 "I will raise her statue in pure gold;. 
 
 That while Verona by that name is known. 
 There shall no figure at that rate be set, 
 As that of true and faithful Juliet." 
 
 As travellers and the guide-books make no mention 
 of this golden statue of Juliet, we have come to the 
 conclusion that Mr. Montague was only selling his 
 friends, or if the project was undertaken, it probably 
 fell through for want of funds 
 
 F. A. P. 
 
ONE WAY TO NULLIFY A BAD LEASE. 
 
 THERE is a shrewd and wealthy old Yankee landlord 
 away down in Maine, who is noted for driving his 
 < sharp bargains by which he has amassed a large 
 amount of property. He is the owner of a great number 
 of dwelling-houses, and it is said of him that he is not 
 over-scrupulous in his rental charges, whenever he can 
 find a customer whom he knows to be responsible. His 
 object is always to lease his houses for a term of years, 
 to the best tenants, and get the utmost farthing in the 
 shape of rent. 
 
 A diminutive Frenchman called on him, last winter, 
 to hire a dwelling he owned in Portland, and which had 
 long remained empty. References were given, and the 
 Yankee landlord ascertaining that his applicant was a 
 man < after his own heart for a tenant, immediately 
 commenced to < jew him. He found that the tenement 
 appeared to s-uit the little Frenchman, and he placed an 
 exorbitant price upon it ; but the lease was drawn and 
 duly executed, and the tenant moved into his new 
 quarters. 
 
 Upon the kindling of fires in the house, it was found 
 that the chimneys wouldn t draw, and the building 
 was filled with smoke. The window sashes rattled in 
 the wind at night, and the cold air rushed through a 
 hundred crevices about the house, until now unnoticed. 
 The snow melted upon the roof, and the attics were 
 drenched from leaking. The rain pelted, and our 
 
46 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Frenchman found a < natural bath-room upon the cellar 
 floor but the lease was signed, and the landlord 
 chuckled. 
 
 " I hav ben vat you sal call < suck in, vis zis dam 
 maison"* muttered our victim to himself, a week after 
 ward " but rfimporte ve sal see, vot ve sal see !" 
 
 Next morning he rose bright and early, and passing 
 down town, he encountered the landlord. 
 
 " A-ha ! Bon jour , monsieur," said he, in his happiest 
 manner. 
 
 " Good-day, sir. How do you like your house?" 
 
 " Ah ! Monsieur elegant, beautiful magnificent ! 
 Eh bien, monsieur ; I hav but ze one regret " 
 
 "Ah! What is that?" 
 
 Monsieur I sal live in zat house but tree little year." 
 
 How so ?" 
 
 " I hav find, by vot you sal call ze leese, zat you hav 
 give me ze house for but tree year, an I hav ver* 
 mooch sorrow for zat." 
 
 But you can have it longer, if you wish " 
 
 " Ah, monsieur I sal be ver mooch glad if I can 
 hav zat house so long as I please eh, monsieur ?" 
 
 Oh, certainly certainly, sir." 
 
 " Tres bien, monsieur! I sal valk rite to your offees 
 . an you sal give me vot you call ze lease for zat 
 maison jes so long as I sal vant ze house. Eh, mon 
 sieur?" 
 
 " Certainly, sir. You shall stay there your life-time, 
 if you like." 
 
 "Ah, monsieur I hav ver mooch tanks for zis 
 accommodation." 
 
 The old leases were destroyed, and a new one was 
 
SEEING THE STKAMER OFF. 47 
 
 delivered in form to the French gentleman, giving him 
 possession of the premises for "such period as the lessee 
 may desire the same, he paying the rent therefor, prompt 
 ly," etc. etc. 
 
 The next morning, our crafty landlord was passing 
 the house just as the Frenchman s last load of furniture 
 was being started from the door ; and an hour afterwards, 
 a messenger called on him with a legal tender for the 
 rent for eight days, accompanied with a note as fol 
 lows : 
 
 " MONSIEUR, 
 
 I hav bin shmoke I hav bin drowned I hav bin 
 frees to death, in ze house vot I hav hire ov you, for 
 ze period as I may desire/ I hav stay in ze dam 
 house <-jes so long as IpleeseJ an ze bearer of zis vil 
 give you ze key! Bon jour, monsieur!" 
 
 It is needless to add that our Yankee landlord has 
 never since been known to give up < a bird in the hand 
 for one in the bush ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 SEEING THE STEAMER OFF. 
 
 A FEW weeks ago, on the near eve of the departure of 
 one of the noble Cunard liners for Halifax and Liver 
 pool, the state of the tide compelled her to anchor in 
 the stream for a few hours before sailing, and, as usual, 
 a steam ferry-boat was employed to carry off the baggage 
 and passengers, and those friends who wished to see the 
 
48 STitAY SC EJECTS. 
 
 latter off. There was of course, a great shaking of hands 
 on board, some kisses, tears, and " good-byes," a good 
 many box-coats and Mackintoshes walking about on the 
 upper deck, and a good many petticoats fluttering about 
 the saloon. At length the bell of the little steamer along 
 side rang a warning peal, and her skipper shouted " all 
 aboard that s going ashore," an order which was prompt 
 ly obeyed by a bevy of leave-takers, the lines were cast 
 off, and all ready for coming ashore. 
 
 Atthis juncture, an habitually pale young man, rendered 
 paler by anxiety, and standing low down in a pair of 
 very flat boots with sharp toes, exclaimed, as he clat 
 tered riotously to the side of the ferry-boat, in the wildest 
 tones of agony : " Mr. Badger ! oh ! Mr. Badger !" 
 
 The wind was fair for Charlestown, and perhaps some 
 marine on duty caught the exclamation. 
 
 " Hallo!" yelled the young man, rendered frantic by 
 the efforts of the ferry-man to put off from the steamship. 
 t{ Hallo ! there s a man on board what hadn t ought to 
 be there. Down in No. 39. Mr. Badger! Who ll 
 tell him ? you sir ? you sir ? you sir ?" he hurriedly asked, 
 appealing to several grim heads that were looking over 
 the bulwarks of the steamship. " Jest some of ye," he 
 screamed, " run down and tell Mr. Badger he can t 
 stop. He aint a goin to England he aint. He aint a 
 goin to Halifax even. Darn d clear of it. He come 
 off to see a frier d off, and I m a friend of his n, and 
 now he s a goin off himself. Hard luck ! hard luck ! 
 Mr. Badger!" 
 
 Mr. Badger must be a werry deef un," said a 
 mariner on liberty, looking very awkward and ferocious 
 in < long-togs ; " Mr. Badger must be a werry deef un, 
 
SEEING THE STEAMER OFF. 49 
 
 not to a hard the bell, and come ashore. Such a lubber 
 deserves to be keel-hauled, and then dumped ashore the 
 other side of creation." 
 
 At this moment appeared a gleam of hope in the head 
 of a steamship officer, designated by the blue cap and 
 gold band. " Hallo ! You sir," yelled the young man, 
 run right down and fetch up Mr. Badger." The head 
 with the gold band was neither nodded nor shaken, and 
 the ferry-boat swung clear of the steamship. 
 
 "0! you darn d old chowder-head!" shrieked the 
 insensate young man, shaking his fist with impotent fury 
 at the immoveable gold band, " you ll catch it one of 
 these days. Carrin off a Merrikin subjlck! Where 
 you git so much shiny hat band ?" Then, his unnatural 
 excitement giving way to the most helpless despondency, 
 he sat down on the green cushions in the cabin of the 
 ferry-boat, buried his face in his hands, and as a few 
 natural tears forced themselves between his fingers, 
 thus soliloquized : 
 
 " Hard luck ! hard luck ! I wonder how I ll break it 
 to his wife and them children ! Little did they think 
 this mornin when he gin em a partin lickin and told 
 em to be good boys till he got back agin, that they 
 would nt see him for a month. 
 
 "By gracious!" he yelled, warming up again: *<I 
 can t believe it! Goin to England or least-ways to 
 Halifax! Tormented lightnin ! why, he hain t got no 
 money, nor no shirts /" 
 
 At this moment came a comforter in the portly person 
 of a friend of ours. 
 
 " You needn t take it so to heart," said he ; " your 
 friend is a fool, of course, or he wouldn t have stayed on 
 
50 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 board, -but we re going off back with the mails, ani I ll 
 fetch him ashore to you." 
 
 The poor fellow s face grew so short, one would have 
 thought it had been cut off; and with a cheerful smile 
 he answered that he " always know d Badger was a jo- 
 fired fool, but he didn t want him carried off in the 
 steamer for all that." 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 "ZAT IS MY TRUNK!" 
 
 IN the days of coaching over the Providence turnpike, 
 before railroad cars were in esse, and baggage-crates ex 
 isted, and when travellers had to keep a sharp look-out 
 for their luggage, some forty or fifty passengers had just 
 stepped on board the old " Ben Franklin," and got 
 under way on Narragansett Bay. A gentleman, who had 
 occasion to get some of his wardrobe, had just hauled 
 out from an immense pile of baggage stowed amidships, 
 a new black leather trunk of portly dimensions, studded 
 with brass nails, when a little withered Frenchman, of a 
 mottled complexion, and fashionably dressed, darted 
 from the crowd, and interposing between our friend and 
 his property, exclaimed, courteously, but positively 
 
 "I beg your pardon, sare mais, pardonnez moi 
 you have got ze wrong cochon by ze oreille zat is my 
 trunk!" 
 
 "Not so, monsieur I hope I know my own traps." 
 
 Restez tranquille hold on dans un instant, I vill 
 prove my props aha ! you see dis key, eh ?" Apply 
 ing it to the lock, he threw up the lid, and- then struck 
 
AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT. 51 
 
 a triumphant attitude. " My key unlock you trunk 
 eh ? tell me zat !" 
 
 " Stand out of the way ! it s my trunk, I tell you." 
 
 " Hold on von leetle minute ! zose you shurrts, eh ?" 
 
 " To be sure they are !" 
 
 " Zose you drowaires, eh ? 
 
 " Certainly !" 
 
 " Vait a moment I will prove my props, sare" 
 and the little Frenchman, rummaging beneath a pile of 
 shirts and socks, produced a bottle, and said deliberately, 
 with a hideous grin 
 
 " Zat your bot-telle of Dom-frees Ish (Itch) oint 
 ment sare eh ? Ave you got von leetle Ish ? Zis 
 you Remede for ze lepros (leprosy), eh ? Ah ! be dam ! 
 I know it was my trunk !" 
 
 It is needless to remark that our friend immeidately 
 opened a wide gap between himself and the interest 
 ing victim of two of the most unpopular disorders known 
 to suffering humanity 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT. 
 
 THERE are certain individuals in existence who are 
 prone to buckle themselves to trouble, and who, by their 
 own acts (instead of profiting by the ills they suffer), 
 are eternally piling misery upon their own backs. The 
 Devil loves to frolic with them and, clutching them in 
 the cradle, he clings to them to the grave ! 
 
 It was a bright day in the summer of 184-, when a 
 
62 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 score or more of merry-hearted fellows deserted the 
 smoke-dried atmosphere of the city, bound on an excur 
 sion some dozen miles distant, for the purpose of enjoy 
 ing a " sit down," a comfortable dinner, and a glass of 
 claret afterward. Arriving at their destination in safety, 
 the fixin s were ordered, and in due season dinner was 
 announced, and the company were seated. The first 
 course had scarcely disappeared, when, on a sudden, the 
 door of the dining parlour was rudely thrust open, and a 
 tall, brawny, iron-framed Virginian entered the room, 
 without the compliment of " by your leave." As he 
 passed the door-sill, his stalwart frame nearly filled the 
 passage, and his whole appearance plainly indicated that 
 he was strongly excited. In his right hand he carried 
 a sort of heavy horse-whip, the lash of which was coiled 
 tautly around the stock. As soon as he had fairly en 
 tered the room, he was informed that the apartment 
 was private, and a hint was tendered him, that he had 
 probably mistaken the entrance. 
 
 " Not in the least," said he, roughly ; " I came here 
 on business." 
 
 " Business here ?" 
 
 " Here, sir ! Which of you answers to the name of 
 Pleadwell, of B e?" 
 
 " It sounds very like mine," instantly replied Mr. P., 
 who arose in the coolest possible mariner, and who, by 
 the way, measured scarcely five feet four, in his boots. 
 
 " Ah yes," continued the Virginian, " I recoiled 
 you" 
 
 Well, sir." 
 
 " You sued me, three weeks since" 
 
 "Indeed?" 
 
AN AFTER- CLAP TO A LAW- SUIT, 53 
 
 " at the instigation of Beatem." 
 
 " Couldn t say, sir, really but" 
 
 " But I say you did, sir !" 
 
 " Ay, very likely. And you are not the first man I 
 have had the honour of serving in a similar manner." 
 
 " I thought so," continued the bully. " You gained 
 the cause, and I suffered for it. I paid my respects at 
 the door of your empty office this morning I learned 
 you were here, and I have followed you for the express 
 purpose of giving you a thrashing for the extra pains 
 you took to turn the cise against me !" 
 
 " Ton my life, sir, your mission is a novel one, at 
 any rate; but I would respectfully solicit the favour of 
 being left at leisure, with my friends here, for the time 
 being, and as soon as dinner is over, I shall not object 
 to giving you the opportunity to void your bile." 
 
 " I am not here to parley, sir. I am bent on thrash 
 ing you, and thrash you I will, before I leave this place, 
 by G !" 
 
 Several of the party now arose and insisted on the 
 intruder s immediate absence. He swore, however, that 
 he would have satisfaction on the spot, and it was not 
 until the company rose en masse, that he consented to 
 leave the apartment. 
 
 As soon as the door closed on him, Pleadwell ex 
 plained in detail the case to which he presumed the 
 stranger alluded, concluding with the remark that " he 
 feared he had a bad fellow to deal with." He was 
 satisfied, nevertheless, that his friends would not stand 
 by and see him taken at a disadvantage. 
 
 While the wine was circulating the Virginian repaired 
 to the stable, adjusted his whip, and returning, took a 
 
64 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 convenient station near the outer door of the hotel, 
 where he expected Pleadwell might pass swearing, 
 meantime, that " he would give the lawyer such a lesson 
 as he would remember." 
 
 This untoward visit was the occasion of putting a 
 damper upon the hilarity of the little party at dinner, 
 and but a brief sitting was indulged in, after the removal 
 of the cloth. The landlord entered the dining-room and 
 informed the visiters of the menacing prospect, outside 
 and the attorney having stepped to the window, ob 
 served the belligerent in front of the door- way brandish 
 ing his massive whip, and muttering in the most ardent 
 and fantastic manner imaginable, to himself. 
 
 The friends of Pleadwell entertained no fears for him, 
 singlehanded, with an ordinary opponent (for he was 
 well skilled in the pugilistic art), but from the enormous 
 size of the stranger, and his athletic appearance gene 
 rally, it was fair to suppose that he might crush his 
 little antagonist with a single pass. Pleadwell was 
 therefore advised to go out at a side-door, and avoid 
 him, but he positively declined to show the white feather. 
 Finding remonstrance of no avail, the company passed 
 out in a body, with the determination of preventing a 
 meeting, if possible, but, at all events, to stand by their 
 friend in case of need. The stranger saw the door 
 opened, and he looked anxiously for the attorney (who 
 was by no* means unmindful of his gestures). Instead 
 of passing out as the Virginian evidently expected he 
 would do, Pleadwell crossed the hall, followed closely 
 by his friends, and as he arrived at the outer door, the 
 stranger having passed around the house, turned in sight 
 at the corner. Pleadwell stepped upon the walk the 
 
AN AFTER- CLAP TO A LAW- SUIT. 55 
 
 Virginian saw him, sprang forward to the spot, and 
 levelled a blow at him with his whip which must have 
 brought the attorney to the earth, had it reached him. 
 But the lawyer was on his guard- he sprang out of 
 harm s way, and stood firmly before his foe at arm s 
 length distance. 
 
 " Hold, sir !" said Pleadwell, hurriedly, " the safety 
 of your person rests with yourself! Attempt to raise 
 that whip again, and you must answer for the conse 
 quences." 
 
 The Virginian heeded not the warning his arm w r as 
 raised the whip whistled in the air and the next 
 instant the assailant dashed heavily upon the walk ! A 
 shudder passed over that strong frame, and he was taken 
 up senseless, and carried into the hotel. Pleadwell 
 struck him a terrible blow directly on c the stomach s 
 pit, which drove the breath completely out of his body. 
 He appeared as nearly dead as possible a physician 
 was called in, and the injured man was instantly blood 
 ed. He showed signs of life, however, in a few moments, 
 and half an hour afterwards it was ascertained that he 
 was but temporarily injured. The brief remark which 
 escaped him was a faint desire to be carried home ! 
 His destination was made out, and he was forthwith 
 removed from the hotel. 
 
 The blow was given in self-defence, and though 
 Pleadwell was a good deal disturbed as regarded future 
 consequences, yet a month elapsed, and nothing further 
 transpiring in relation to the matter, the rencontre wa? 
 forgotten by himself and his companions. 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
PURCHASING A LIVE LOBSTER, 
 
 A RAW-LOOKING beauty standing some six feet or 
 more, in his boots fresh from the interior, arrived in 
 town [Philadelphia] a day or two since, with a view to 
 examine the lions in the city of Friends. 
 
 He had walked leisurely round Girard College his 
 wondering gaze had been gratified with a peep at 
 the Branch Mint, where a common-looking chap made 
 money a darned sight faster than ever he could; he 
 had seen the old United States Bank, but, for the life 
 of him, couldn t find the place where it had busted ! 
 he had sauntered through Fairmount, where some cute 
 feller was squirting water round, most beautiful he 
 had marched around the outskirts of the Penitentiary, 
 but they weren t sharp enough to get him in there oh, 
 no! he had trotted through the Museum, which he 
 didn t consider any very great shakes and, just be 
 fore leaving in the eight o clock train, for home, he 
 strolled down to the Market-house, to ascertain, if possi 
 ble, where all the vegetables and things went to. 
 
 Having examined the premises for some time, he 
 suddenly halted before a wagon which stood near by, 
 the floor of which was covered with about a score of 
 live lobsters, wriggling and tumbling over each other. 
 He was unfortunately afflicted with a habit of stammer 
 ing. After watching the sight for several minutes, 
 he sidled up to the owner, at last, with 
 
 *< Wo-wo-wot s them, mister ?" 
 
PURCHASING A LIVE LOBSTEE. 57 
 
 " Lobsters, sir." 
 
 " Yes, sir. Werry fine." 
 " W-wul I ve heern te-tell o lobstiss." 
 " Hexcellent heatin , sir is lobsters. Hev *un, sir ?" 
 " W-wu-wul, I reck n y-y-yes. Wo-wot s the dam- 
 age?" 
 
 " Three levies, sir." f 
 
 "How d-d how do you eat lo-lob- obstiss ?" 
 " Vith yer teeth, pooty gin ral, sir." 
 " Y ye-yes. But coo-coo- oo& em, I mean." 
 "Oh. Bile em, sir bile em. Thank ee: jest the 
 change" added the wagoner; and, depositing the 
 tin in his shot-bag, he placed the * lobstiss in 
 the hands of its lawful owner. 
 
 The stranger bade the seller good day, placed his 
 prize under his arm, tail downwards and started for 
 the Rail Road Depot in Market Street. 
 
 The lobster was fresh caught (it so chanced) and 
 proved very unruly squirming and writhing about ; 
 our countryman was constantly adjusting his burthen, 
 until he had finally managed to raise its claws on a line 
 with the side of his own head. Suddenly one of the 
 critter s flippers extended, and closed again with a smart 
 smack grasping in its clutch, the greater portion of 
 the poor fellow s right ear ! 
 
 An indescribable twist pervaded the countryman s 
 phiz his teeth became set in an instant and lowering 
 his head, he started into a rapid walk with 
 
 " od rot him! Oh th-under ! Le-le-let go! 
 B-b-bla-blast yur pictur ! don t ough ! Mur-m-mur- 
 der murder ! /" 
 
58 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 A bevy of youngsters had discovered the poor devil s 
 predicament, as he rushed along the walk, and he soon 
 quickened his pace into a sharp trot, making good head 
 way towards the Depot, the lobster dangling from the 
 side of his head like a huge old-fashioned ear-drop ! As 
 the crowd gathered on .his track, he increased his speed 
 to a " dead run" still bawling, at the top of his lungs 
 
 " Oh Lor4 ! ta-ta- ake him off ! M-m-mur-dar / 
 Cu-cu-cuss him ! Take him dow-d- own !" 
 
 " Go it, Boots !" shouted the crowd. 
 
 "Pu-pu- ull the c-c-cussid varmint off! Ta- ake him 
 back ! I d-d-don t wa- ant no lo-lo- obstiss " and 
 stopping suddenly, before a benevolent-looking Quaker 
 gentleman, upon the walk, he begged him to take the 
 infernal viper away ! 
 
 The countryman s ear resembled a purple-ripe plum, 
 when the kind-hearted gentlemen seized the claw and 
 relieved him of his load. As the circulation of blood 
 resumed the unhappy victim bestowed on his benefac 
 tor a kind of smile (unable to articulate a syllable) such a 
 smile as one might suppose would result from screwing 
 an inch auger through the spine of a man s back. 
 
 Our unfortunate friend was grateful, but he couldn t 
 speak. It was now the turn of the Quaker gentleman 
 to smile because he couldn t help it the object before 
 him appeared so perfectly ludicrous. But his was a 
 bland smile of sympathy, such a one as only a Quaker 
 can bestow. 
 
 But our benevolent friend in the broad brim, was 
 careless he was! In his efforts to aid the unlucky 
 countryman, he had secured the lobster by the claw, 
 and he still held him dangling at his side. 
 
PURCHASING A LIVE LOBSTER. 59 
 
 "Hurt thee much, friend?" 
 
 " Blast him ! ooh /" 
 
 " Thee shouldn t swear, friend," quietly responded 
 the Quaker but as he concluded this sentence of ad 
 vice, a most unearthly scowl shot across his previously 
 placid countenance and his face was contorted with 
 the direst grimaces! The lobster closing his claw, had 
 clutched the Quaker s fingers till the blo$d started un 
 der the nails ! 
 
 " igh ! Oo, dear me Ow ! the scamp take 
 him away," shrieked the Quaker, nearly fainting with 
 pain. 
 
 "Da-da-d defldo" 
 
 " Take him, friend " 
 
 " N-n-no yer do-n t ! Yer ger-gu-gut him ch-eap- 
 er n 7 did c-cost me three sh-sh-shillins ; but it s n- 
 n-no matter about that." 
 
 " He s a vicious creetur." 
 
 " S-s-so 7 thought m-m-mister." 
 
 " There /" added the Quaker, at last ; and disenga 
 ging the monster from his hand, he dashed it to the 
 ground. 
 
 A news-boy secured the lobster, to which no sort of 
 objection was made by the injured parties. 
 
 A crowd had collected around the scene, and the 
 countryman at last bethought him of the cars. The 
 clock commenced striking eight the Quaker disap 
 peared and our friend dashed into the Depot, at the 
 sound of the last bell swearing as plainly as his 
 excitement would permit, that he had " had e-nu-nu- 
 ough of li-live lo-obstiss /" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
A PAIR OF PARODIES. 
 
 ALICE GRAY. 
 
 SHE isn t what I painted her 
 
 A thing all hearts to win 
 I saw no beauty when I found 
 
 She hadn t got the tin. 
 I loved her upwards of a week 
 
 But found it wouldn t pay ; 
 So I took my hat and went ashore 
 
 And cut Miss Alice Gray. 
 
 Her dark brown hair was all a sham 
 
 Her forehead f Jones s white, 
 One eye an artificial one, 
 
 The other far from bright. 
 Oh ! she may twine her purchased curls 
 
 She mustn t look this way 
 My heart is far from breaking 
 
 For the love of Alice Gray. 
 
 I ve sunk a very pretty sum 
 In rides and sweetmeats past ; 
 
 And haven t now the first red cent- 
 She drained me of the last. 
 
HE WORE A FLASHY WAISTCOAT. 61 
 
 How green I was, in earnest grave, 
 
 I certainly must say ; 
 I shall be cut by all the < B hoys* 
 
 For courting Alice Gray. 
 
 HE WORE A FLASHY WAISTCOAT. 
 
 i 
 
 HE wore a flashy waistcoat, on the night when first we 
 
 met, 
 
 With a famous pair of whiskers and imperial of jet ; 
 His air had all the haughtiness, his voice the manly tone 
 Of a gentleman with eighty thousand dollars of his own. 
 I saw him but a moment, yet methinks I see him now, 
 With a very flashy waistcoat and a beaver on his brow. 
 
 And once again I saw that brow no neat Legay" 
 
 was there, 
 But a < shocking bad un was his hat, and matted was 
 
 his hair. 
 He wore a brick within that hat the change was all 
 
 complete 
 And he was flanked by constables who marched him up 
 
 the street. 
 
 I saw him but a moment, yet methinks I see him now, 
 Charged bv those worthy officers with kicking up a row. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
HE WANTED TO SEE THE ANIMAL. 
 
 THE publishers of a well known periodical in town, 
 have placed in front of their office, in Tremorit street, 
 a very extensive sign board, upon which is emblazoned 
 the words 
 
 LITTELL S 
 LIVING AGE. 
 
 A green horn, fresh caught w r ho came to the city 
 to look at the glorious Fourth chanced to be pass 
 ing towards the Common, when his attention was ar 
 rested by the above cabalistic syllables. Upon one side 
 of Bromfield street he saw the big sign, upon the other 
 the word MUSEUM. 
 
 "Wai," said he to himself, "I ve hearn tell o them 
 museums, but a f livin age, 9 big or little, must be one 
 o them curiosities we read abaout." 
 
 He stepped quietly across the street, and wiping his 
 face, approached one of the windows, in which were 
 displayed several loose copies of the work. He read 
 upon the covers, Littell s Living Age, and upon a 
 card, Popular Magazine only one of its kind in the 
 country, &c. 
 
 " Magazine f Wai, that beats thunder all teu smash ! 
 I ve hearn abaout paouder magazines, an all that ; 
 wal, I reck n I ll see the crittur, enny how !" and 
 thus determined, he cautiously approached the door. A 
 young man stood in the entrance. 
 
HE WANTED TO SEE THE ANIMAL. 63 
 
 "When does it open?" asked the countryman. 
 
 "What, sir?" 
 
 " Wot time does it begin ?" 
 
 "What?" 
 
 " The show !" 
 
 "What show?" 
 
 " Wy, that are this" continued our innocent friend, 
 pointing up to the sign. 
 
 The young man evidently supposed the stranger in 
 sane and turning on his heel, walked into the office. 
 
 " Wai, I dun no baout that feller, much but I reck- 
 n I hevn t cum a hunderd miles to be fooled I ain t, 
 and I m goin teu see the crittur, sure." 
 
 "Hello! I say, Mr. Wat s- name, there doorkeep 
 er ! Hel-/o / 
 
 A clerk stepped to the door at once, and inquired 
 the man s business. 
 
 " Wot do I want ? Wy, I want to see the animal, 
 that s all." 
 
 " What animal 1" 
 
 " Wy, this crittur ." 
 
 " I don t understand you, sir." 
 
 " Wai you don t luk as ef you could understan* no- 
 buddy, enny how. Jes send the doorkeeper yere." 
 
 By this time a crowd had collected in and about the 
 doorway, and the green un let off something like the 
 following : 
 
 " That chap as went in fust, thar, ain t nobuddy, ef he 
 has got a swaller-tailed coat on. My money s as good 
 as his n, and it s a free country to-day. This young 
 man ain t to be fooled easy, now I tell you. I cum 
 down to see the Fourth, and I ve seen him. This mor- 
 
64 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 nin 1 see the elephant, and naow I m bound to see this 
 crittur. Hel-/o there, mister!" 
 
 As no one replied to him, however, he ventured again 
 into the office, with the crowd at his heels, and address 
 ing one of the attendants, he inquired 
 
 " Wot s the price, nabur?" 
 
 "The price of what, sir ?" 
 
 "Of the show! * 
 
 " There is no show here," 
 
 " JVb show ! What n thunder der yer leave the sign 
 out for, then ?" 
 
 " What would you like to see, sir ?" said another 
 gentleman. 
 
 16 Why, I want to see the animal." 
 
 " The animal ?" 
 
 Yes the crittur." 
 
 " I really do not understand, sir." 
 
 " Why yes yer dew. I mean the wot s- name, out 
 there" pointing to the door. 
 
 "Where?" 
 
 " Hevn t yer gut a sign over the door, of a " little 
 LIVIX sum thin , hereabouts ?" 
 
 " LITTELL S LIVING AGE?" 
 
 " That s the crittur them s um trot him aout, na 
 bur, and yere s yure putty." 
 
 Having discovered that he w r as right (as he suppo 
 sed), he hopped about, and got near the door again. 
 
 Pending the conversation, some rascally wag in the 
 crowd, had contrived to attach half a dozen lighted fire 
 crackers to the skirt of our green friend s coat ; and as 
 he stood in the attitude of passing to the supposed door 
 keeper a quarter crack ! bang ! went the fire-works, 
 
CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN JOKERS. 65 
 
 and at the same instant a loafer sang out at the top of 
 his lungs " look out ! the crittur s loose /" 
 
 Perhaps the countryman didn t leave a wide wake be 
 hind him in .that crowd, and maybe be didn t astonish the 
 multitude along Colonnade Row, as he dashed towards 
 the foot of the Common, with his smoking coat-tails 
 streaming in the wind ! 
 
 Our victim struck a bee-line for the Providence De 
 pot, reaching it just as the cars were ready to go out. 
 The crowd arrived as the train got under way, and the 
 last we saw of the unfortunate, he was seated at a 
 window whistling most vociferously to the engine, to 
 hurry it on ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN 
 JOKERS. 
 
 I HAVE always had a great respect for the common 
 crow, Corvus Jlmericanus I believe the ornithologists 
 call him. There is something remarkable and imposing 
 in his attire. 
 
 " The carrion crow has a coat of black, 
 Silky and sleek, like a priest s, to his back." 
 
 Then he commands respect by his superior intelligence. 
 No one knows better than he where and how grub may 
 be obtained, in defiance of spring-guns, fire-arms, and 
 scarecrows. How many a solemn haw ! haw! must he 
 have indulged in on surveying the libellous imitations 
 of humanity erected by rustics upon planted fields in the 
 
66 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 idle hope of terrifying him by so poor a semblance of 
 danger. These shabby proofs of man s fatuity must 
 afford him an additional relish to his stolen morsel, as 
 he roots up the delicious kernels with his active and 
 avid bill. How often has the solemn rascal mocked at 
 me in my younger days as I have trailed him, mile 
 upon mile, on foot, through the fog and slosh of a 
 January thaw, in the vain hope of catching him napping 
 for my respect never prevented my vain demonstra 
 tions of hostility. In a group of friends the other 
 day, talking of guns brought up the subject of crows 
 and one or two gentlemen recounted the details of 
 successful campaigns waged against them. The boys 
 up in New Hampshire used to ascertain the bearings of 
 a crow s nest, and then plant a loaded musket sighted 
 and aimed properly at the devoted citadel. Returning 
 in the night, when the old bird was asleep on the nest, 
 they would pull trigger, and annihilate the enemy. One 
 of the speakers recounted an achievement of his own. 
 At a time when there was a large bounty on crows, he 
 determined to destroy two old birds and their young 
 ones by a bold coup de main. Their nest was in the 
 summit of an old pine tree, but the position was com 
 manded by an over-topping hemlock ; the latter he 
 ascended, and daringly sliding down a dependant branch, 
 was enabled (mirabile dictu /) to seize the she-bird on 
 her nest. This time, for once, a crow was caught asleep 
 in the day-time. Breaking both her wings, he threw 
 her to the ground, and her hapless offspring, five in 
 number, followed after. He then descended, and shot 
 the old he as he was flying round, moaning piteously in 
 his paternal agony. No Roman victor moving though 
 the via sacra with seven kings tft his chariot wheels, 
 
CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN JOKERS. 67 
 
 felt more elation of heart than the youthful victor, as he 
 carried home his trophies and touched the tin accorded 
 by way of laurels by the state. 
 
 I have told you that Cape Ann furnished a number 
 of queer jokers. One of these met an apothecary, who 
 was his especial butt at one of the town meetings in 
 Gloucester, and thus hailed him in the hearing of a large 
 crowd of attentive auditors : 
 
 " Doctor ! that ere ratsbane of your n is first-rate." 
 
 " Know d it ! know d it," said the pleased apothecary. 
 " Don t keep nothing but fust-rate doctor s stuff." 
 
 " And, doctor," continued the joker, coolly, " I want 
 to buy another pound of ye." 
 
 " Another pound ?" 
 
 " Yes sir I gin that pound I bought the other day 
 to a pesky mouse and it made him dreadful sick and 
 I am pretty sure another pound would kill him." 
 
 A roar of laughter, at the apothecary s expense, 
 hailed this grateful tribute to the excellence of his doc 
 tor s stuff. 
 
 There was a queer old file, as tart as he was ignorant, 
 who was one day starting off to a dedication on horse 
 back, with his old-maid sister on the pillion behind him. 
 
 " Hello ! Uncle Seth ! where you goin ?" said a 
 neighbour, hailing the equestrian. 
 
 " Goin to resurrection!" 
 
 " Dedication, you mean." 
 
 " Damnation ! if you like that better ! Hang on, Sal ! 
 G lang, ye jade !" and the old mare galloped off. 
 
 There was a certain lawyer on the Cape a long time 
 ago, the only one in those digginV then, and, for aught 
 I know, at present. He was a man well to do in the 
 
68 
 
 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 world, and, what was somewhat surprising in a limb of 
 the law, averse to encouraging litigation. 
 
 One day a client came to him in a violent rage. 
 
 " Look a here, squire," said he, " that ere blasted 
 shoemaker down to Pigeon Cove has gone and sued me 
 for the money for a pair of boots I owed him." 
 
 "Did the boots suit you?" 
 
 " Oh ! yes I ve got em on fust-rate boots." 
 
 "Fair price?" 
 
 " Oh ! yes." 
 
 " Then you owe him the money honestly?" 
 
 " Course. " 
 
 "Well, why don t you pay him?" 
 
 " Why, cause the blasted snob went and sued me, 
 and I want to keep him out of the money if I kin." 
 
 " It will cost you something." 
 
 " I don t keer a cuss for that. How much money do 
 you want to begin with ?" 
 
 " Oh, ten dollars will do." 
 
 " Is that all ? Well, here s a X, so go ahead," and 
 the client went off very well satisfied with the beginning. 
 
 Our lawyer next called on the shoemaker, and asked 
 him what he meant by commencing legal proceedings 
 against M . 
 
 " Why," said he, " I kept on sendin and sendin to 
 him for money till I got tired. I know d he was able 
 to pay and I was termined to make him. That s the 
 long and short of it." 
 
 " Well," said the lawyer " he s always been a good 
 customer to you, and I think you acted too hastily. 
 There s a trifle to pay on account of your proceeding 
 but I think you d better take this five dollars, and call 
 it all square." 
 
THE LEVEN STRIKE. 69 
 
 " Certin squire if you say so and darned glad 
 to get it," was the answer 
 
 So the lawyer forked over one V and kept the other. 
 In a few days his client came along and asked him how 
 he got on with his case. 
 
 " Rapidly," cried the lawyer " we ve non-suited 
 him ! he ll never trouble you." 
 
 " Jerusalem ! that s great !" cried the client" I d 
 rather a gin fifty dollars than have had him got the 
 money for them boots !" 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 THE LEVEN STRIKE, 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE GHOST OF THE TEN-PIN ALLEY: 
 
 A LEGEND OF PARK HALL, BOSTON. 
 
 TwAS late, and midnight darkness 
 Hung the heavens as with a pall, 
 
 When the OLD UN came to handle 
 Lignum Vitas, in Park Hall. 
 
 And with him a companion 
 
 To roll against him came, 
 Superior to the Ancient 
 
 In the science of the game. 
 
70 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Dim were the bar-room lustres, 
 Dark shelves dark bottles bore, 
 
 Fantastic were the shadows 
 Projected on the floor. 
 
 Ah me ! a weary * critter 
 Was the sad barkeeper then, 
 
 Just thinking was he of his bed, 
 When entered those two men. 
 
 Then out and spake the OLD UN 
 " Rouse up and get the key 
 
 That in the Diorama Hall, 
 Unlocks the west Al-/ei/." 
 
 "Our boy is sick has cut his stick 
 
 Absquatulating elf ! 
 And if ye roll to-night, ye ll have 
 
 To set em up yourself." 
 
 " Small work, I trow," the OLD UN said, 
 "For one who loves the game ;" 
 
 And he who stood beside him there 
 Smiled and endorsed the same. 
 
 The pins are set the fingers wet 
 The OLD UN takes his stand ; 
 
 Why stands he hesitating there, 
 The ball within his hand ? 
 
 Say comes there aught of evil 
 
 Their pleasure to alloy ? 
 All suddenly before the pins 
 
 Loomed up the ten-pin boy. 
 
THE LEVEN STRIKE. 71 
 
 A wan and dreary wight was he 
 
 An outline of a boy 
 With a meagre faded jacket, 
 
 And pants of corduroy. 
 
 " Say, boy ! why come you here so late, 
 
 Or why came here at all ? 
 For the old Bay State clear the track, 
 
 Or look out for the ball." 
 
 He never moved, that urchin 
 
 Scarce like a thing alive, 
 He heeded not the OLD UN S shout 
 
 " Be warned, for I ll let drive !" 
 
 Right through his faded legs, the ball 
 
 Went winding on its way 
 Right towards the OLD UN and his friend 
 
 Glided that figure gray. 
 
 " List, gents, to me," the boy said he : 
 
 "I foller not the trade 
 I did afore they made my bed 
 
 With mattock and with spade, 
 And I was took to my last home, 
 
 And in the dead wood laid. 
 
 " I am a orphin, for my dad 
 
 A nd mam died long ago, 
 And I came here to set up pins" 
 
 The OLD UN said, Just so." 
 
72 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " The folks was very kind to me 
 
 Life rolled on like a ball ; 
 And it seemed a kind of Paradise, 
 
 This Diorama Hall. 
 
 t( One night there came a stranger 
 
 A horrid man was he 
 And he gave his name as Mister Blood 
 
 From the state of Tennessee. 
 
 " He bolted brandy by the pint ; 
 
 And his breath it was so strong 
 It broke the tumbler when he drank, 
 
 And his voice was like a gong. 
 
 " He was a bully roller 
 
 Spares, ten-strikes, fast as rain 
 
 Came from his hand ( Boy ! set em up ! 
 And down they went again. 
 
 " A horrid scowl was on his face 
 
 His teeth he grimly set 
 He grasped his ball, and roared, * By G i 
 
 I can do better yet ! 
 
 " What fearful meaning in that yell 
 
 I never heard the like 
 But the clock it struck eleven, 
 
 And he sot a leven strike. 
 
 o 
 
 " Down went the pins up flew the ball 
 
 And hit me on the head, 
 And quicker than greased lightnin , 
 
 My covies, I was dead. 
 
THE LEVEN STRIKE. 73 
 
 " He gloried in the homicide ; 
 
 He broke into a roar, 
 And shouted that he d done the same 
 
 Eleven times before. 
 
 
 
 ;<< Ho! landlord! there s a flimsy 
 
 Come, don t be cross or coy 
 Ten dollars for your alley 
 
 And ninety for your boy ! 
 
 " But guilty conscience haunted him, 
 
 He roamed o er land and sea ; 
 Sometimes he was in Florida, 
 
 Sometimes in Tennessee. 
 
 " And never from that moment 
 
 Knew he an hour of joy 
 Till he was gouged and bit to death 
 
 In a fight in Illinois. 
 
 " To warn the bowlers here each night 
 With spectral strength I ve striven 
 Be satisfied with a ten-strike, 
 Nor seek to get eleven." 
 
 He ceased, then glided backward, 
 
 That little phantom boy, 
 With his wan sepulchral jacket 
 
 And tights of corduroy. 
 
 The twinkle of his buttons 
 
 Was lost in wreaths of mist 
 That drifted through the casement 
 
 By the ghostly moonbeams kissed, 
 
74 
 
 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 The OLD UN told the story, 
 
 But few believed the tale 
 Few hearts throbbed faster for it, 
 
 Few lovely cheeks grew pale. 
 
 But hie you to the alley 
 
 Ask the ten-pin boys there met 
 
 They ll tell you there the ghost was seen 
 There you ll find spirits yet. 
 
 A. D. F. 
 
 THE " STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." 
 
 M. BOCHSA, the Harpist, is a wag. At the concert 
 on Thursday night, at the Temple, Mons. B. appeared 
 before the audience for the second time during the even 
 ing s performance, for the purpose of playing any airs 
 the audience might select, with impromptu embellish 
 ments and variations. M. Bochsa is a master of his 
 instrument, and the harp in his hands is susceptible of 
 almost anything, in reason but it might seem a question 
 of taste, whether martial hymns are exactly the thing 
 to display the beauties of a harp. However, we are 
 a f democratic people, and Mons. B., albeit he is a 
 wag, understands the principle . 
 
 " You will plees send me ze tune vot I sal play" 
 proposed Monsieur to his audience, as he came upon the 
 platform. 
 
 Half a dozen strips of paper immediately found their 
 way to the stand, and Monsieur B. read them aloud, 
 
THE "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." 75 
 
 " O Dolce Concento/ Yankee DoodiP (I know 
 him, vera veil. I play him one, two, tree several 
 time!) < Groves O Blarney, Yankee Doo (I 
 have two Yankee Doodils,) Non piu mesta, Tres 
 lien!" 
 
 " The S tar-Spangled Banner !" shouted somebody 
 in the crowd. 
 
 " Vot you sai ?" inquired Bochsa. 
 
 " Star-Spangled Banner !" 
 
 Monsieur didn t understand. He was a little hard 
 of hearing. He stepped quietly down from the ros 
 trum, and approached one of the aisles. 
 
 " Ze zhentilman vil plees to step to ze front" but 
 the stranger declined. 
 
 " If ze zhentilman cannot come to me, I mus come 
 to him," continued Monsieur. 
 
 The audience took l the cue and a roar followed 
 this announcement, pending which the stranger made 
 his appearance. A round of applause greeted him as 
 he passed to the foot of the passage-way, where stood 
 Monsieur in an attitude most provokingly grave, wait 
 ing for further explanation. 
 
 " Vot you sai, sair?" 
 
 " The Star-Spangled Banner, I want." 
 
 " Scar-tangle bannair ? aha, N comprende, mon 
 sieur." 
 
 " Not Scar-Strangled, sir Star-Spangled Banner." 
 
 " Ze Bannair Oui I un erstan Ze flag!" 
 
 " Yes, yes the Flag of the United States." 
 
 " Yes, sair ! I remember him, ver mooch. Zat is, 
 I do not recollec him, zac ly. Monsieur, you know 
 him?" 
 
76 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Why, yes, to be sure everybody knows the c Star- 
 Spangled Banner. 
 
 " Tres bien, monsieur ! Every Yankee zhentilman 
 vissle. You sal vissle him in my ear /" 
 
 Another shout went up from the audience, but the 
 gentleman, nothing abashed, placed his mouth at the 
 side of Bochsa s head, and commenced whistling the 
 * Star-Spangled Banner most philosophically, amid the 
 convulsions of the audience, who could not find this 
 scene upon the bills of the evening ! 
 
 "TRES BIEN Monsieur!" shouted Bochsa "ele 
 gant superb ! Monsieur, you von ver fine musician I 
 sal play ze Scar-Tangled Bannair, vis mooch plaisur !" 
 and mounting the platform, he commenced with a 
 grand introduction to the several themas proposed, 
 which was followed by some highly finished and ex 
 quisitely performed variations upon the melodies sent 
 up, not forgetting the two * Yankee Doodils always 
 so certain a favourite. 
 
 On a sudden a crash of harmony leaped from the 
 harp-strings, which took the audience by surprise ! An 
 instant s rest followed when our own beautiful nation 
 al air, the * Star-Spangled Banner, was produced with 
 a most brilliant accompaniment, which brought down 
 the house. 
 
 Bochsa was satisfied his friend was satisfied the 
 audience were satisfied and the splendid Harpist left 
 the stage (with a quiet smirk at the corner of his 
 mouth) amid a perfect storm of applause ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
A STEER RIDE. 
 
 MOVING down Washington street the other day with 
 a friend, the sight of the flying sleighs reminded him of 
 a juvenile adventure of his own when he was a younker 
 long time ago, and Gilmanton, N. H., was blessed with 
 his presence. Happening to call on a crony of his, a 
 farmer s son, one afternoon, the gentleman who, the 
 hymn-book tells us, 
 
 "Finds some Mischief still, 
 For idle hands to do," 
 
 suggested to them the idea of having a ride in the c go- 
 to-meetin sleigh, with an unbroken steer of the farm 
 er s for a team. Our friend with some difficulty 
 persuaded his acquaintance to enter into the scheme, but 
 when his scruples were once overcome, he ( went it 
 with a vindictive rush. The boys secretly got out the 
 sleigh and toted it through the snow for a distance 
 of two miles, where they left it. The snow was deep 
 over the fence-rails in some places, and the preliminary 
 achievement cost them no little labour. This done, they 
 went back for the animal. The critter was found 
 quietly consuming clover in an out-house, and not in 
 the happiest humour at being disturbed. In fact he 
 was ( mighty handy with his horns, as an Irishman 
 would say, and had a most ( fatal facility for butting. 
 However, his tormentors took him, one on each side, 
 
78 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 grasped him by the horns, and persuaded him along by 
 means of an ox-goad. Now and then he would make a 
 stand and struggle fiercely. But they hung on to him, 
 like Mortality to a deceased African, as my friend 
 expressed it, determined not to give out. It took them 
 two hours to get the steer up to the sleigh. There 
 another battle royal ensued when it came to putting him 
 in the fills. Talk about taming Bucephalus ! Pooh ! 
 that was nothing to harnessing an angry steer to a 
 single sleigh. He did not take it kindly at all but he 
 had to take it. The youthful muscle and youthful 
 ingenuity of a pair of human torments overcame the 
 brute rage and blind strength of the animal. At last 
 they noosed him and indulged in an Indian yell of 
 triumph ! Off went the liberated brute, howling with 
 rage. Talk of a locomotive at full speed, pshaw ! That 
 is a tortoise to a mad steer. The critter took a bee 
 line for home. The snow flew like the spray from 
 Niagara. The boys were pelted with ice-balls from his 
 flying hoofs. The icicles showered from the limbs of 
 the apple trees, as they dashed through an orchard. 
 Two pannels of fence-rails went into tarnal smash as 
 they took the outside of the track in a narrow cart-path. 
 One side of the sleigh was left in a dung-heap. Nothing 
 but the dasher held on as they went through the last 
 pair of bars, and the steer dashed his head against the 
 barn-door, and rolled over, dead beat, in a snow heap. 
 Our friend jumped off the runners and made tracks for 
 his home, just as the farmer, rushing out of the house, 
 whip in hand, cornered his precocious boy as he was 
 rising from the wreck, and gave him, as the sufferer 
 
THE WOLVERINE AND THE LEAD MINE. 79 
 
 averred next day, the onremittenist lickin that was 
 ever larruped onto him since he was a human beinV* 
 
 Our friend has often been a sleighing since, with 
 splendid teams and pretty girls, and glorious music and 
 moonlight nights, but he declares upon his honour, that 
 not all of these can equal half the excitement of a sleigh- 
 fjde across the country with a mad steer in the fills. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 HOW THE WOLVERINE DISCOVERED THE 
 LEAD MINE. A FACT. 
 
 [ WAS a c young man ten years ago and (like some 
 o ,her young men I wot of, who did the same thing, and 
 returned lighter than they went !) I drifted out West. 
 My locale for the time being was in the easterly part 
 of Michigan, but I once ventured westward as far as 
 Wisconsin. 
 
 There is a swarm of ( suckers, hoosiers, * buckeyes, 
 1 corn-crackers/ and * wolverines, eternally on the qui 
 vive, in those parts a migratory race of bipeds who 
 float about from spot to spot, squatting, for trte nonce, 
 wherever their fancy or interest may incline them ; and 
 a rougher set of men will rarely be met with, saving 
 the genuine voyageurs, or ( trappers so notorious 
 for their hardihood. 
 
 A green looking individual turned up suddenly one 
 morning in the vicinity of a backwoods mining settle 
 ment, and, according to his own account, he had come 
 from a * desperate ways off in search of sunthin to du. 
 
80 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 A linsey-wolsey jacket, considerably the worse for 
 wear, was slung over his shoulder ; his pants were made 
 of tow-cloth ; a pair of coarse cow-hide brogans orna 
 mented his feet, and the gear which protected (?) his 
 head might have answered an excellent turn to sift ashes 
 through ; in brief, his tout ensemble looked very like 
 the * breaking up of a hard winter. ^ 
 
 He sauntered leisurely up to a knot of workmen, and 
 drawing from his side-pocket a huge soft cracker, he 
 commenced munching it solus. 
 
 " Mornin , stranger," said one of the hands, at 
 length. 
 
 " Mornin yourself, cap n." 
 
 " Which way ?" 
 
 " None in partic lar." 
 
 " Well, stranger, where do you hail from ?" 
 
 " Wai 1 hails from all raound the lot." 
 
 " From the East ard ?" 
 
 "Wai yes 1 reckon." 
 
 "What news?" 
 
 u None as I knows on." 
 
 " You re short, kinder." 
 
 " Wai ; you ll find me long enough p-ehaps." 
 
 The Conversation was suspended ; the wolverine con 
 tinued to munch his biscuit, and the miners pursued 
 their labours. But the biscuit finally disappeared, and 
 the stranger, who had taken considerable interest in 
 their operations, had approached within speaking dis 
 
 tance again. 
 
 " Wai ; they du say the Bank s busted ." 
 
 "What bank?" bawled an operative, dropping his 
 spade and looking about him for a land-slide ! 
 
THE WOLVERINE AND THE LEAD MINE. 81 
 
 " Nited States Bank." 
 
 " O ! is that all ? Why, how you skeert a feller !" 
 
 " Some of em, will get skeered, wus en that, I reck- 
 n, afore they re through with it." 
 
 Again the talk ceased. The wolverine watched the 
 progress of the workmen, and finally laid his jacket 
 upon the bank. 
 
 " S pose you don t want another hand" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " No ; I thought not." 
 
 Here one of the party, in a green roundabout, who 
 imagined himself considerably more than a match for 
 half a score like the green un and who appeared like 
 overseer of the gang proposed to him that he should 
 pay scot for the ciowd, and he would then show him 
 where he could set up the diggin trade on his own 
 account ! 
 
 " Done," said the wolverine. 
 
 " Drinks all around mind." 
 
 " Sartin. Jest fetch on your ( prary dew foi the 
 hull lot, and d the expense." 
 
 A capacious caddy of the crature was procured, and 
 the party had a jolly time at the cost of the new comer. 
 The liquor disposed of, he asked the direction to the site 
 where he should commence operations. 
 
 " Well, stranger," said the knowing one, with a side 
 wink to his men, " begin any whar ; try under the old 
 tree yonder." 
 
 " The big shady tree, across the lot, there ?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Thank ye. It looks like a right smart spot/ 
 
82 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Hope you ll have a good time of it," added the 
 overseer, and the parties separated. 
 
 The wolverine went at it in right god earnest, with 
 a borrowed pick, and long before sunset (as luck 
 would have it) he struck a Lead / Having satisfied 
 himself in reference to the location, he covered up hi? 
 tracks, and returned to the lead mine. 
 
 " Say, cap n ; you re rayther hard on a poor feller." 
 
 " Eh ! What luck, stranger ?" 
 
 " Luck., you said ! Wai, I dont know what you call 
 luck. I ve been sweatin over thar, about ten hours ; 
 a hull day lost smack ; and not a red cent made yet." 
 
 " Oh, try again," said the sharp un ; " you ll do." 
 
 " Wai, may be so, and may be not. Whar s the 
 owner o that are patch ?" 
 
 " I own this land, all about." 
 
 " Maybe you wouldn t like to sell that are lot ?" 
 
 " But I should, though." 
 
 " Wot ll you take for that lot ?" x 
 
 " Oh, you may have it at Government price ; there s 
 eighty acres." 
 
 " I ll take that lot, Mr. Wot-you-call-em." 
 
 "You will?" 
 
 " Yes, Mister ; and yere s yer putty / 
 
 As our wolverine pronounced this last sentence, he 
 drew forth a ragged bandana, in one corner of which 
 was stowed away a goodly quantum of the shiners. 
 The hundred dollars was soon told out ; the parties im 
 mediately repaired to the Land Office, where Squire P. 
 made the deed of transfer, and the document was placed 
 in the stranger s hands. 
 
 On his way back, he passed a crowd of the miners, 
 
A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR. 83 
 
 who had done laughing, and shortly afterwards he was 
 out of sight. Next morning, bright and early, the wol 
 verine was at work under that tree, with two assist 
 ants ; and by noontime a very showy vein of ore had 
 come to light, within a few feet of the ground s surface. 
 The stranger laughed then ! the miners grinned, and 
 the lucky buyer disappeared, again. 
 
 Four weeks afterwards, a countryman in plain home 
 spun, accompanied by a gentleman in black, 3 visited 
 the spot; and they, too, w r ent to Squire P. s of 
 fice. Another transfer was made, and the awkward 
 wolverine, of the tattered breeches and torn hat, left his 
 purchase in other hands, with a bonus of Jive thousand- 
 dollars in his pocket ! 
 
 The last I saw of the rough stranger, he w r as inqui 
 ring of the overseer in the green roundabout, whether 
 he had for sale " any more left of the same sort /" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR. 
 
 A FRIEND of ours related, the other day, an anecdote, 
 for the authenticity of which he positively vouched. It 
 relates to a very shrewd Yankee of the Sam Slick school, 
 who formerly kept a slop-shop in the classic purlieus of 
 Ann street, and drove a snug and thriving business, 
 contriving, by constant attention to trade, and strict 
 adherence to the cash principle, to do something more 
 than make both ends meet in the course of the year. 
 
84 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 He boasted that he " was never tuck in but once, and 
 then he came out of it fust-rate." The only exception 
 he made to his cash principle was in favour of a very 
 dark-coloured gentleman who ( follered the sea for a 
 livin , and who happened to be in want of a professional 
 blue jacket adorned with an unusual quantity of black 
 glass buttons, value two dollars and fifty cents. The 
 sable mariner stated that he had just got into port, should 
 be paid off next day, and would then infallibly call 
 and settle. The Yankee let him have the jacket, and 
 charged him with the amount. The next day came, 
 and the next, and the next, and brought no coloured 
 gentleman. The Yankee clothes-dealer began to feel 
 uneasy.* To be taken in the first time he * trusted/ 
 was an event never anticipated in his calculation of the 
 chances. He made inquiries, and found that he had 
 been regularly taken in and done for. Instead of 
 his customer having just arrived in port, he had sailed 
 on a nine-months voyage the day after he had obtained 
 tick, or, as Varnish says, in the new comedy, ( ac 
 commodation. In a desperate rage, the Yankee took 
 account of stock, and marked up all the blue jackets 
 with glass buttons at 25 per cent, advance. 
 
 From that time the Yankee was a constant reader of 
 the daily journals, confining his attention, however, 
 principally to the * Marine Intelligence and Shipping 
 List. Not a storm rippled the face of the ocean but 
 roused the attention of our shop-keeper. Not a ship 
 was spoken at sea, but he learned her name as soon as 
 possible. At length the signal-gun of the * Venus 
 (that was the name of the delinquent African s craft) 
 announced her arrival from Canton in the lower harbour, 
 
A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR. 85 
 
 and the flag on the telegraph station at Central wharf 
 speedily confirmed the news. Our Yankee was on the 
 qui vive. He hastened to the owners, to serve a trustee 
 process to secure his debt, and there learned, with blank 
 dismay, that his sable debtor had died of the small pox 
 directly on the arrival of the ship, and was buried, with 
 his chest of clothes, on Hospital Island. No money 
 could be paid on his account except to a legally-em 
 powered administrator. After cogitating awhile, jthe 
 Yankee repaired to the Judge of Probate for the County 
 of Suffolk, and applied for letters of administration. 
 After the due publication of official notice, no heir or 
 creditor appearing, the Yankee was duly authorized to 
 receive payment of moneys due to the deceased. The 
 pretty sum of 108 dollars was accordingly paid over to 
 him. Two or three years passed on, no claimant ap 
 peared, and the tailor rejoiced exceedingly in the bril 
 liant upshot of the speculation. 
 
 One day, however, as he was sitting at his window, 
 calmly smoking a long nine, and ruminating on some 
 other c speculation, whom should he see, walking 
 quietly along on the opposite side-walk, but the identical 
 coloured gentleman who had negotiated with him three 
 years before, arrayed in the identical blue jacket, orna 
 mented with countless black glass buttons, but very 
 much the worse for wear. At first he was taken all 
 aback, much as Macbeth was at the unwelcome appa 
 rition of the c blood-boltered Banquo at the festive 
 board. A few moments reflection, however, reassured 
 him, and, springing over the counter, he rushed forth 
 into the street. At this moment the negro raised his 
 eyes and beheld the well-remembered sign, and with it 
 
86 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 flashed back on his mind a startling reminiscence of his 
 own indebtedness. He also recognised the injured 
 Yankee. His face became mottled with terror. He 
 turned and fled. " Stop thief!" shouted the Yankee, as 
 he dashed after him in hot pursuit. " Stop thief!" re 
 peated the crowd. It was an exciting chase. Up flew 
 windows, and out flew heads. Cellars subterranean 
 disgorged their motley living tenants. Sailors, steva- 
 dores, dogs, boys, girls, and even women, rushed along, 
 stimulated by the eager cries of the Yankee. Far in 
 the van, however, fled the panting negro, like a dark 
 shadow, distancing pursuit. " If I only had a catched 
 him," said the tailor to his foreman as he re-entered his 
 low-browed shop, " I d a made him pay me that two 
 dollars and fifty cents, with interest to date." 
 
 The key to the apparition was afterwards discovered. 
 It seems that the negro, on reaching his destined port, 
 had run away, and another hand (also coloured) had 
 been shipped in his stead, the name, however, remaining 
 unaltered on the ship s books. The second coloured 
 gentleman it was, who, on his arrival in port, paid the 
 debt of nature, and also more than paid, by his wages, 
 the debt incurred by his predecessor in the forecastle of 
 the * Venus. 
 
 Although the Yankee, to use his own language, "came 
 out of that ere spec fust-rate," yet, to his dying day, 
 he never ceased to lament that " he hadn t cotched that 
 ere nigger, and made him face that $2.50, with interest 
 to date." 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
THE STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN WHO WAS 
 AVERSE TO RACING. 
 
 EARLY in the spring of the present year, a magnifi 
 cent new steamer was launched upon the Ohio River, 
 and shortly afterward made her appearance at the Le 
 vee, opposite the flourishing city of Cincinnati. Gilt- 
 edged covers, enveloping the captain s c respects, 
 accompanied with invitations to see her through, upon 
 her first trip down the river, being forwarded to the edi 
 torial corps in that vicinity ; the chalked hats were 
 numerous on the occasion. It was a grand affair, 
 this debut of a floating palace, which has since main 
 tained her repute untarnished as the ( crack boat, par 
 excellence, upon the Western waters. Your humble ser 
 vant was among the ( invited guests and a nice time 
 he had of it ! 
 
 I found myself on board this beautiful craft in close 
 communion with a score of unquestionable beauties. 
 The company proved to be a heterogenous conglome 
 ration of character made up of editors, lawyers, auc 
 tioneers, indescribables, and fancies with a sprink 
 ling of none-such s There was a stray parson, too, 
 in the crowd but as his leisure time between meetins 
 was spent in trading horses, we dispensed with his 
 * grace before meals. 
 
 We left our moorings an hour before sunset, upon a 
 clear cold afternoon, and passed rapidly down stream 
 
88 STUAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 for a considerable distance, without experiencing any 
 out-of-the-way occurrence. The * sons of temperance, 
 and the parson aforesaid, amused themselves over a 
 smoking whiskey toddy the * boys were relieving 
 each other of their superfluous dimes and quarters at 
 euchre, when a tall gentleman, who was some, (when 
 he was sober,) stepped suddenly into the cabin, and 
 imparted the information that a well-known fast boat 
 had just hove in sight, at the mouth of the Kentucky 
 river. The cards were ( dropt instanter the punches 
 disappeared and the * mourners were soon distrib 
 uted in knots upon the promenade deck, to watch the 
 progress of events. 
 
 Our bully boat sped aw r ay like a bird, however, 
 and the craft behind gave us early evidence that she 
 should offer no child s play. The fat was in the 
 fire at once a huge column of black smoke curled 
 up in the clear atmosphere an extra turn or two was 
 visible upon our own boat, and away we went ! A 
 good deal of excitement existed among the party, as 
 the rival steamer was clearly gaining upon us. A craft 
 like ours, with such a company, and such a captain, 
 mustn t be beaten. 
 
 As the boat behind us fell in under our stern, and we 
 could l count her passengers, a sort of impression 
 came over us, that, by some mistake, we had got upon 
 the wrong boat ! At least, such was the expressed 
 opinion of the parson, as he threatened to go down 
 stairs and take another drink. Our captain was a 
 noble fellow he paced the deck quietly, with a con 
 stant eye to wind ard ; but he said nothing. A bevy 
 of the mourners stepped up to him, with 
 
THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING. 89 
 
 "What speed, cap n?" 
 
 " Fair, gentlemen ; I may say very fair." 
 
 " Smart craft, that, behind," ventured one. 
 
 " Very," responded the captain, calmly, as he placed 
 his hand upon a small brass knob at the back of the 
 pilot house. This movement was responded to by the 
 faint jingling of a bell below, followed immediately by 
 a rush of cinders from the smoke-pipes, and an im 
 proved action of the paddles. 
 
 " Now we move again." 
 
 " Some," was the response, and a momentary tremor 
 pervaded the boat as she slid along* right smartly. 
 
 But the craft in our rear moved like our shadow on 
 the calm waters, and as we shot down the river, it 
 seemed as if we had her in tow, so calmly and uni 
 formly did she follow in our wake. The excitement of 
 the congregation upon deck had by this time become 
 intense, and it was pretty plain that the boats must 
 shortly part company, or split something ! The ras- 
 ca-1 behind us took advantage of a turn in the channel, 
 and helm a-starboard ! was clearly heard from the 
 look-out of our rival, as she ( hove off, and suddenly 
 fell alongside us ! The parson went below at once, to 
 put his threat into execution, as we came up into the 
 current again, neck and neck ; and when he returned 
 we were running a twerity-five-knot lick, the steam 
 smack on to 49 ! 
 
 " She s going goin , go ," muttered an auction 
 eer to himself. 
 
 " A perfect nonsuit," remarked a lawyer. 
 
 " Beaten but not vanquished," added a politician ; 
 and away we scudded side by side for half a mile. 
 
90 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Wouldn t she bear a leetle more ?" meekly asked 
 the parson. 
 
 "She s doing very well," replied the captain. 
 "Don t get excited, gentlemen ; my boat is a new 
 one her reputation and mine is at stake. We mustn t 
 rush her racing always injures a boat, and I am averse 
 to it;" saying which he applied his thumb and finger 
 to the brass knob again the bell tinkled in the dis 
 tance and our rival pilot shortly had an opportunity to 
 examine the architecture of our rudder-post ! 
 
 I was acquainted with the engineer. I stepped 
 below (believing we should be beaten at our present 
 speed), and entering the engine-room 
 
 " Tim," said I, " we ll be licked give her another 
 turn, eh ?" 
 
 " I rayther think she moves some as it is," said Tim. 
 
 " Yes : but the C is hard on us give her a little, 
 
 my boy just for " 
 
 " Step in here a moment," remarked Tim ; " it s all 
 mum, you know nothing to be said, eh ? Quiet 
 there ! don t she tremble some ?" 
 
 I noticed, for the first time, that our boat did labour 
 prodigiously ! 
 
 " But come round here," continued Tim ; " look 
 there ! mum s the word, you know." 
 
 I stepped out of that engine-room (Tim said after 
 wards, that I " sprang out at one bound ;" but he lied !) 
 in a hurry. The solder upon the connexion-pipe had 
 melted and run down over the seams in a dozen places, 
 from the excessive heat a crowbar was braced athwart 
 the safety-valve, with a fifty-six upon one end and 
 we were shooting down the Ohio, under a head of steam 
 chock up to 54 40 ! ! 
 
"I stepped out of that engine-room (Tim s;ii<l afterwards, that I sprang out 
 at one bouud ; but lit- lied !) in a hurry." PayeW. 
 
THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING. 91 
 
 My sleeping apartment was well aft. I entered 
 the state-room got over upon the back side of my 
 berth and, stuffing the corners of the pillow into my 
 ears, endeavoured to compose myself in sleep. It was 
 out of the question. In attempting to right myself, 
 I discovered that my hair stuck out so straight) it was 
 impossible for me to get my head within six inches of 
 the pillow ! 
 
 I tossed about till daylight, in momentary expectation 
 of being landed in Kentucky, (or somewhere else !) but 
 we got on finely. We led our rival half an hour into 
 Louisville ; and I immediately swore upon my nightcap 
 that I would never accept another invitation, for a plea 
 sure trip, from a steamboat Captain who was averse fo 
 racing ! 
 
A WINDFALL FOR THE YOUNG UN. 
 
 ORIGINAL CORRESPONDENCE. 
 
 [To appreciate the following correspondence, it may be necessary 
 to know that some seven years since a person by the name of BURN- 
 .HAM died in London without a will, leaving an immense property 
 behind htm estimated at some millions sterling in value. The 
 news reached this country, and the Burnhams were, consequently, 
 in high feather in reference to their prospect ! An agent was chosen 
 to look after the property in Europe, the story went the rounds of 
 the press, and a variety of genealogies and pedigrees were forwarded 
 to London. It all ended in smoke, however; no satisfactory legal 
 proof having been found that the Burnham in England ever < be 
 longed to anybody this side the water. A few days ago an eminent 
 legal gentleman of this city, (who has been engaged by some of the 
 parties interested to ferret the matter out,) addressed letters again 
 to all the supposed heirs ; thus renewing the old story about the 
 * Burnham fortune. Our * Young Un received a copy of this 
 communication, which we annex, with his reply. Ed. Spirit of 
 the Times. ] 
 
 (COPY.) 
 
 NEW YORK, Nov. 4, 1846. 
 
 Dear Sir I am desirous of ascertaining whether 
 you are in any wise related to Mr. John G. Burnham 
 (of England), who was lost at sea, some fifty or sixty 
 years ago ? or are you of the family of Orrin Burnham, 
 an Englishman, who came to this country somewhere 
 from 1785 to 1787 ? Be good enough at your earliest 
 leisure to inform me, if you are so connected and at 
 the same time send me the names and residences of your 
 
A WINDFALL FOR THE < YOUNG UN. 93 
 
 father, grandfather, and uncles, on the father s side. A 
 large landed property (some three millions sterling in 
 value) has been left by a descendant of the Burnham 
 family in England, and it may be of material pecuniary 
 advantage to you to establish your pedigree. Let me 
 hear from you as soon as convenient. 
 
 Very resp y, your obed t serv t, 
 
 ***** *********, Att y for the Heirs. 
 
 To GEO. P. BURNHAM, Esq., Franklin House, Philadelphia. 
 
 (REPLY.) 
 
 Hon. ***** *******, N ew York. 
 
 FRANKLIN HOUSE, PHILADELPHIA, Nov. 10, 1846. 
 
 My Dear Sir Your favour, under date 4th inst., 
 came duly to hand, and I improve my earliest moment 
 of leisure (after the unavoidable delays attendant upon 
 procuring the information you seek) to repfy. You are 
 desirous of being made acquainted with my c pedigree. 
 
 I have to inform you that I have taken some days to 
 examine into the matter, and, after a careful investiga 
 tion of the i records, find that I am a descendant, in 
 the direct line, from a gentleman very well remembered 
 in these parts by the name of ADAM. The old man 
 had two sons ; * Cain and Abel they were called. 
 The latter, by the other s hands, went dead one day ; 
 but as no coroner had then been appointed in the county 
 where they resided, verdict was postponed. A third 
 son was born, whom they called Seth. Cain Adam 
 had a son named Enoch -who had a son (in the fourth 
 generation) by the name of Malech. Malech had a son 
 
94 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 whom he called NOAH, from whom I trace, directly, my 
 own being. 
 
 NOAH had three sons < Shem, Ham, and * Japhet. 
 The eldest and youngest Shem and Japhet were a 
 couple of the b hoys and Ham was a very well dis 
 posed young gentleman, who slept at home o nights. 
 But his two brothers, unfortunately, were not so well 
 inclined. Ham was a sort of jethro the butt of his 
 two brothers who had done him c brown so many times 
 that they called him ( burnt. 5 For many years he was 
 known, therefore, as Burnt-Ham. Before his death he 
 applied to the Legislature in his diggin s for a change of 
 name. He dropped the t a bill was passed entitling 
 him to the name of BURN-HAM and hence the sur- 
 u name of your humble servant. So much for the "name. 
 
 In several of the newspapers of that period I find al 
 lusions made to a very severe rain-storm which occurred 
 ( just about this time and the public prints (of all par 
 ties) agree that " the storm was tremendous," and that 
 " an immense amount of damage was done to the shipping 
 and commercial interest." As this took place some six 
 thousand years back, you will not, I presume, expect 
 me to quote the particular details of this circumstance 
 except in so far as refers directly to my own relatives. 
 I may here add, however, that subsequent accounts in 
 form me that everything of any particular value was 
 totally destroyed. A private letter from Ham, dated at 
 the time, declares that " there wasn t a peg left to hang 
 his hat on !" 
 
 Old NOAH found it was gittin werry wet under 
 foot (to use a familiar expression of his,) and he V Isely 
 built a canal-boat (of very generous dimensions) for the 
 
A WINDFALL FOR THE < YOUNG UN. 95 
 
 safety of himself and family. Finding that the rain 
 continued, he enlarged his boat, so that he could carry 
 a very considerable amount of luggage in case of acci 
 dent. This foresight in the old gentleman proved most 
 fortunate, and only confirms the established opinion, 
 that the family is * smart for the "storm continued un 
 abated for forty days and forty nights," (so say the 
 accounts,) until every species of animal and vegetable 
 matter had been used up always excepting the old 
 gentleman s canal-boat and cargo ! Now, Noah was a 
 great lover of animals he was ! " Of every kind, a 
 male and female" did he take into his boat with him, and 
 4 a nice time they must have had of it for six weeks ! 
 Notwithstanding the fact (which I find recorded in one 
 of the journals of the day) that " a gentlemen who was 
 swimming about, and who requested the old man to let 
 him in, upon being refused, declared that he might go to 
 grass with his old canoe, for he didn t think it would 
 be much of a shower, anyhow !" I say, notwithstanding 
 this opinion of the gentleman, who is represented as 
 having been a very expert swimmer, everything was 
 destroyed. 
 
 HAM was one of em he was ! He knew sufficient 
 to get out of the rain, albeit he wasn t thought 
 very witty ! He took passage with the rest, however, 
 and thus did away with the necessity of a life-preserver. 
 From Ham I trace my pedigree directly down, through 
 all the grades, to King Solomon, without any difficulty 
 who, by the way, was reported to have been a little 
 loose in his habits, and was very fond of the ladies and 
 Manzanilla Sherry. He used to sing songs, too of 
 which c the least said the soonest mended. But on the 
 
96 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 whole, Sol was a very clever, jolly-good fellow, and .< 
 several occasions gave evidence of possessing his shan ->f 
 the cunning natural to our family. Some thought him 
 * wise but although I have no disposition to abuse 
 any of my ancestors, I think the QUEEN OF SHEBA (a 
 very nice young woman she was, too,) rather * come 
 it over the old fellow ! 
 
 By a continuous chain, I trace my relationship thence 
 through a rather tortuous line, from generation to gen 
 eration, down to Mr. Matthew, not the Comedian, but 
 to Matthew, the Collector, (of Galilee, I think,) 
 who * sat at the receipt of customs. To this connec 
 tion I was undoubtedly indebted for an appointment in 
 the Boston Custom House. Matthew lived in the good 
 old. { high tariff times when something in the shape 
 of duties was coming in. But as nothing is said of his 
 finale, I rather think he absquatulated with the funds of 
 the Government. But I will come to the information 
 you desire, without further ado. 
 
 You know the < OLD UN, undoubtedly. (If you 
 don t, there is very little doubt but you will know his 
 namesake, hereafter, if you don t cease to squander your 
 time in looking after the plunder of the Burn ham family !) 
 Well the < Old Un is in the < direct line, to which I 
 have now endeavoured to turn your attention, and I have 
 been called, of late years, the < YOUNG UN for rea 
 sons that will not interest you. To my honoured Senior 
 (whom I set down in the category as my legitimate 
 4 dad ) I would refer you for further particulars. He 
 is tenacious of the character of his progeny and loves 
 me ; 1 would commend you to him, for it will warm the 
 
A WINDFALL FOR THE YOUNG UN. 97 
 
 cockles of his old heart to learn that the YOUNG UV 
 is in luck. 
 
 If you chance to live long enough to get as far down 
 in my letter as this paragraph, allow me to add that 
 should you happen to receive any very considerable 
 amount as my share of the ( property, for the Burnham 
 family, please not overlook the fact that I am one of 
 em and that I have taken pains to tell you * whar I 
 cum from. Please forward my dividend by Adams & 
 Co. s Express (if their crates should be big enough to 
 convey it), and if it should prove too bulky, turn it into 
 American gold and charter a steamer to come round for 
 the purpose ; I shan t mind the expense ! In conclu 
 sion, I can only intimate the high consideration I enter 
 tain towards yourself for having pre-paid the postage 
 upon your communication a very unusual transaction 
 with legal gentlemen. My sensations, upon closing this 
 hasty scrawl, are, I fancy, very nearly akin to those of 
 the Hibernian who ( liked to have found a sovereign 
 once but you will allow me to assure you that it will 
 afford me the greatest pleasure to meet you at the 
 FRANKLIN HOUSE, in this city, where I shall be happy 
 to give you any further information in my power touch 
 ing that putty in prospective. 
 
 I am very resp y, your obed t serv t, 
 
 GEO. P. BURNHAM, alias the YOUNG UN. 
 I 
 
A TALE OF A TURKEY. 
 
 AN UNFORTUNATE FACT. 
 
 Orlando. Forbear ! and eat no more ! 
 
 Duke. We have eat none yet. 
 
 Orlando. Nor shall you till my appetite be served. 
 
 As Yon Like It. 
 
 ONE Saturday evening, not long ago, a trio of young 
 gentlemen going home in the evening, after the labours 
 of the week had ended, chancing to look upwards at a 
 third story window of a certain house in a certain 
 street, not many leagues from the well-known Marlboro 
 Hotel, Boston, tenanted by an acquaintance of theirs, 
 a young man of great histrionic ability and repute, 
 espied one of * Plato s Men, i. e. a bird of the genus 
 Turkey, denuded of its feathers, and in fact prepared 
 for spitting, hanging in a melancholy manner from a 
 window-fastening, for the benefit of pure air. 
 
 Mr. T., the proprietor of the bird, being something 
 of a bird-fancier, had, a few days previous, purchased 
 this choice turkey, for the purpose of regaling himself 
 and family therewith on Sunday, wisely deferring jthe 
 luxurious feast to a day of rest, whereon the wicked 
 prompter ceaseth from troubling, and the annoying call- 
 boy is quiescent. So there the turkey or the ding- 
 dong, as Paul Shack has it, hung in the night breeze : 
 
 And like a mighty pendulum, 
 All solemnly he swung. 
 
A TALE OF A TURKEY. 99 
 
 But if Mr. T. loved turkey, so did his three friends, 
 and Mephistopheles prompted them to a deed without 
 a name ; (null and void, accordingly, their easy con 
 sciences argued,) and this was no other than the abduc 
 tion of the bird. 
 
 " Turkies are high," said one of the trio. 
 
 " Yes, but they ll come down," answered another, 
 who, by chance, had become possessed of a long cedar 
 pole, which had been dropped out of an unconscious 
 countryman s cart. To lash the hooked blade of an 
 open jacknife to the extremity of this pole was the work 
 of a moment ; in another, the string which attached the 
 turkey to his nail was cut. 
 
 " The last link w r as broken," and down came the 
 bMfodlis descensus, as the poet has it. 
 
 The watchman was slumbering, and the prize was 
 secured. They carried it into an eating-house, and 
 ordered mine host to roast it and serve it up the next 
 day with appropriate fixins for their Sunday dinner. 
 
 The next day, punctual to the appointed hour, the 
 friends assembled and were told their meal would soon 
 be served. While waiting for this desirable consumma 
 tion, in came the owner of the abducted bird. He was 
 pale and wan, and in a state of considerable agitation. 
 Walking up to the landlord in a nervous manner, he 
 begged to know if he could, as a great favour, accom- 
 modate*him with about five pounds of beef-steak. 
 
 " It s all gone," was the answer. 
 Mutton ?" 
 
 "All out." 
 
 What have you got ?"gasped the despairing victim. 
 " I ve got nothing for my Sunday dinner." 
 
100 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 < You d ought to have provided beforehand," said 
 the sententious host. 
 
 " So I did," replied the agonized actor: 
 
 " I had a turkey, and a better one 
 Ne er did repose upon a rusty nail ; 
 But he is gone ; whither, I know not, sir. 
 The earth has bubbles as the water hath, 
 
 And he was one of these 
 
 A turkey towering in his pride of place, 
 Was hawked and moused at 
 
 by some prowling rascal I only wish I knew who it 
 was." 
 
 Won t you dine with us?" asked one of the con 
 spirators, " we are going to have turkey." 
 
 " No no I thank you think of my family, they 
 would have no turkey. 
 
 " Farewell, a long farewell to dreams of turkey. 
 
 Landlord, \vhat can you give me ?" 
 
 " I m sorry to say," said the host, after a wink from 
 one of the initiated, "that I can t spare you any meat 
 or poultry. I m hard up myself. If it was any other 
 day but Sunday. As far as a pot of baked beans goes, 
 however " 
 
 " Beans !" shrieked the victim, " do you take us for 
 Mexicans, that you would feed us on their national ra 
 tions ? Begone ! thou troublest me I m not in the 
 bean-eating vein. My wife! my little ones ! Beans!" 
 he repeated, with a sneering and demoniac emphasis. 
 
 " Better have em," said the landlord. 
 
 "Beans be it, then!" said the victim, in the deep, 
 hollow tones of forced resignation. 
 
A TALE OF A TURKEY. 101 
 
 < Salubrious, savoury, and economical beans!" sug 
 gested the landlord pleasantly and mildly. " Ah !" he 
 added soothingly, as he folded up a brown pot in a 
 napkin and delivered it to the despairing applicant, " I 
 could almost pick a bean with you myself." 
 
 " Gentlemen!" said the victim, folding the bean-pot 
 in his arms with an air of great dignity, "you cannot 
 fully appreciate my feelings, you cannot sympathize 
 entirely with me. You called for turkey, and you had 
 it : 7, who had for four days been preparing my palate 
 for the inordinate delectation which a well-roasted din- 
 don invariably affords, am obliged to satisfy it with an 
 article compared to which, turkey is, as Shakspeare ob 
 serves, < Hyperion to a Satyr. Imagine the transition 
 from roast turkey to baked beans ! Pardon these tears ! 
 Truly there is but one step from the sublime to the 
 ridiculous !" And with these words Mr. T. disappeared 
 with his sorrowful burthen. 
 
 The conspirators dined well that day, while their vic 
 tim but we will forbear to draw aside the veil which 
 should shroud the sorrows of a bereaved and afflicted 
 family. 
 
 On New Year s eve, however, Mr. T. was agreeably 
 surprised by the reception of a note and a parcel. The 
 former was anonymous, and contained condolences upon 
 his loss ; the latter contained a turkey, finer, fatter, 
 heavier than the lamented and lost bird. 
 
 When the remains of this atonement were removed 
 from the table upon New Year s day, Mr. T. leaned 
 back in his chair, weary with his labours. That was 
 capital!" said he " but upon my soul, I wish I could 
 find out who stole that other turkey" 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
APPLYING THE PEINCIPLE. 
 
 A BRACE of legs, thrust considerably too far through 
 a pair of mottled pants, and attached to a couple of the 
 largest-sized feet, which were encased in twin cowhide 
 brogans, formed the underpinning to a long, slabsided 
 body, of otherwise generous proportions the whole 
 being surmounted by a head, which was covered \vith a 
 gray < five year old (at least) sealskin cap. This sum 
 total legs, pants, feet, shoes, body, and chapeau was 
 the property, by possession, of Mr. ZENAS HUMSPUN. 
 
 ZENAS had been on < a bat during the night previous, 
 and had squandered full half-a-dollar on himself, in 
 white-eye and sweetening. But his returning senses 
 made him feel philosophical and, on the morning we 
 speak of him, he stood, at an early hour, in - 
 street, gazing mechanically at the Telegraphic wires 
 soliloquizing, thus wise : 
 
 ic IThat s the telergiijf. W -- ic well, I don t 
 poorceive nuthin per ic culier bout them strings 
 on y one s bigger en t other ic." 
 
 "That s the lightfnin 1 linej the big un" said an 
 urchin in the doorway near by. 
 
 " Wen does she ic start?" 
 
 " You d better ax in thar." 
 
 i In the office, up thar." 
 
 The loafer was shown to the door of the building, and 
 
APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE. 103 
 
 * by hook or crook found his way up three flights of 
 stairs, into the Telegraphic office. The attendants in 
 quired " what the gentleman had to forward ?" 
 
 For ud ? - ic who s sJie?" 
 
 What will you send ?" 
 
 " Send whar?" 
 
 "This is the Telegraph office, sir." 
 
 " Well ic who n thunder said it wusn t?" 
 
 "I supposed you had business, sir." 
 
 " Nuthin o the sort ic quite the re ic verse 
 o the conr#y." 
 
 " What will you have ?" 
 
 " I want to make some ic quiries." 
 
 The hour being early, and little doing, the clerks very 
 charitably determined upon some fun with the fellow, 
 with a view to sobering him. The opportunity for any 
 thing gratuitous escaped them, however for as they 
 commenced a consultation upon the best means to benefit 
 the intruder, he stepped up to one of the batteries, which 
 happened, fortunately, to be but lightly charged and, 
 concluding that the knobs were portable, he pulled his 
 cap over his forehead and attempted to remove one of 
 the balls ; the next moment Zenas lay stretched upon the 
 floor! 
 
 He arose, as best he could, and turned to the clerk, 
 with 
 
 " Look yere, Mister ic wot s yure name ? I 
 kin lick as many sich like skunks as you, as could be 
 
 druv into a forty aiker lot ! Wot in did yer ic 
 
 nock a innersent man down that way fer? Eh?" 
 
 " Nobody touched y^u !" said the clerk. 
 
 The devil they ic didn t !" 
 
104 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 No, Sir. You took the" 
 
 " Took wotl Yere s yure corntemptible copper" 
 and, proceeding to dash a loose penny towards the 
 attendant, which lay upon the machine his fingers came 
 in contact with the battery, and away he went again, 
 hee]s over head, across the floor! 
 
 "Look yew!" continued the sufferer, who, by this 
 time, was well nigh sobered " ed blast yure infernal 
 pictur, wot in thunder are you baout?" 
 
 " You mustn t handle the tools" observed the clerk, 
 nearly bursting with laughter. 
 
 " Look you ! Mr. Wot s-your-name I arn t to be 
 fooled this yere way, fer nuthin / arn t. By thunder ! 
 I m a inderpendunt individooal, / am and this yere 
 nockin people down, without notice of no kind, arn t 
 
 the thing, by ! Ef you ll open that yere door, I ll 
 
 go out o this, and no questions axed." 
 
 That s the door, sir." 
 
 "That brass handle?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "I m blowed ef you do, though! This child don t 
 meddle with no more hard ware in this trap, no how!" 
 
 The door was opened by the clerk, and the fellow 
 sidled out. A suppressed laugh pervaded the counte 
 nance of the attendant, as Zenas departed which, as 
 the door closed, vented itself in a broad haw-haw. 
 
 " You re a smart young gentleman you are !" bawled 
 the loafer, through tJie keyhole, as he held the door fast 
 with both hands "you re a very smart young man! 
 You d like to git out o that, and go to yur breakfast, 
 bimeby, may be ! An ef yer do git any grub afore noon, 
 jes let a feller bout my size know it will yer ? I ll 
 
APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE. 105 
 
 teach yer to knock people down, simultaneously fer 
 nuthin /will" and, from the preparations making on 
 the outside, the prospect was that the " insiders" were 
 to be made prisoners. 
 
 A thought struck the attendant. He disconnected the 
 wire, and placing it in contact with the knob of the door 
 upon the inside, his companion let on the battery ! 
 
 The door flew open instantaneously, and our valiant 
 stranger, with the sealskin cap, was discovered in the 
 act of an anti-angular descent down stairs, the side of 
 his head scraping the paint from the edges of the steps, 
 and his legs meantime performing an involuntary 
 pirouette, which would have done infinite credit to a 
 French dancing-master ! 
 
 It so chanced that Zenas had purchased a bunch of 
 lucifer matches the night before, which he had deposited 
 in his coat pocket. In his progress down stairs, the 
 matches had become ignited, and by the time he had 
 reached the bottom of the first flight, he had partially re 
 covered from the first effects of < the shock but the 
 fluid tingled through his veins, his coat-tails were on fire, 
 and he was not < set forward in his imagination any, 
 by this last effort of his tormentors. He discovered the 
 fire, and presuming it was part and parcel of the < cussid 
 invention he sprang to his feet and with both hands 
 briskly at work behind him, for the purpose of smothering 
 the flame, which was roasting the seat of his inexpressi 
 bles he l put for the street door at full gallop ! 
 
 iFire! Fire! Help! yere! Ow!! murd fire! 
 help!" shouted the victim, as he darted into the street. 
 
 Away he dashed towards Baltimore, at a speed which 
 the <lightnin line itself might have been proud of. 
 
106 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Luckily, a square off, he discovered a servant, with a 
 hose attached to one of the hydrants, busily engaged in 
 washing off the pavement. He rushed to the spot, and 
 turning short before him a posteriori he begged him, 
 at the top of his voice, " for God s sake" to "put him 
 
 wt?" 
 
 Perhaps his sable friend s eye didn t glisten, and may 
 be his c ivory didn t shine, as he charitably turned 
 < the current of that stream upon the unmentionable 
 portion of the poor devil s netherments ! "The fire 
 was extinguished without serious damage," as the pa 
 pers say the loafer was thoroughly saturated and 
 having exchanged his c heavy inside wet for a skin- 
 drenching, he departed, perfectly sober, amidst the jeers 
 of the crowd who had witnessed the finale most vocife 
 rously cursing all improvements in magnetism and com 
 bustibles ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
LOVE IN THE BOWERY. 
 
 " The course of true love didn t never run smooth. 5 
 
 Shale spear e Bowery edition, 
 
 I. 
 
 I SEEN her on the sidewalk, 
 
 When I run with number 9 : 
 My eyes spontaneous sought out hern 
 
 And hern was fixed on mine. 
 She waved her pocket handkerchief, 
 
 As we went rushin 5 by 
 No boss that ever killed in York 
 
 Was happier than I. 
 I felt that I had done it ; 
 
 And what had won her smile 
 Twas them embroidered braces, 
 
 And that ere immortal tile. 
 
 2. 
 
 I sought her out at Wauxhall, 
 
 Afore that place was shet 
 Oh ! that happy, happy evenin , 
 
 I recollex it yet. 
 I gin her cords of peanuts, 
 
 And a apple and a f wet. 
 Oh ! that happy, happy evenin , 
 
 I recollex it yet. 
 
108 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 3. 
 
 I took her out to Harlem 
 
 On the road we cut a swell, 
 And the nag we had afore us 
 
 Went twelve mile afore he fell. 
 And though ven he struck the pavement, 
 
 The crab began to fail, 
 I got another mile out 
 
 By twisting of his tail. 
 
 4. 
 
 I took her to the Bowery 
 
 She sat long side of me 
 They acted out a piece they called 
 
 " The Wizard of the Sea." 
 And when the sea-fight was fetched on, 
 
 Eliza cried " hay ! hay !" 
 And like so many minutes there 
 
 Five hours slipped away, 
 
 5. 
 
 Before the bridle halter, 
 
 I thought to call her mine 
 The day was fixed when she to me 
 
 Her hand and heart should jine. 
 The rum old boss, the father, swore 
 
 He d gin her out er hand, 
 Two hundred cash and also treat 
 
 To number 9 s men stand. 
 
DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. 109 
 
 6. 
 
 But bless me ! if she didn t slip 
 
 Her halter on the day : 
 A pedlar from Connecticut, 
 
 He carried her away. 
 And when the news was brought to me, 
 
 I felt almighty blue ; 
 And though I didn t shed no tear, 
 
 Perhaps I cussed a few. 
 
 7. 
 Well, let it pass there s other gals, 
 
 As beautiful as she ; 
 And many a butcher s lovely child 
 
 Has cast sheep s eyes at me. 
 I wears no crape upon my hat, 
 
 Cause I m a packin sent 
 I only takes a extra horn, 
 
 Observing, " LET HER WENT 1" 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. 
 
 A GREAT many very probable stories are told of acci 
 dents and hair-breadth escapes by sea and land. The 
 traveller who finds himself on board a Mississippi 
 steamer, will occasionally meet a < passenger who has 
 shaken hands with the grim monster, arid parted coin- 
 
110 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 pany with him, at considerably less than a moment s 
 notice ! 
 
 We were a fortunate collection, on board the elegant 
 Yorktown* upon one of her downward trips last sea 
 son, and with a full river and a rapid current, were 
 making headway at more than a twenty mile lick, down 
 stream on a clear day early in November. 
 
 Drinks all round had been the order of the evening 
 (with a certain coterie of friends), the occupation being 
 varied only by cobblers for the party e snifters for 
 the crowd or slugs for the entire company until, 
 by common consent, the mourners settled themselves 
 down into comparative quiet. 
 
 Most of the passengers had disappeared for the night, 
 and only a knot of < hard-heads were left upon deck. 
 These remained till day-light, amusing each other with 
 long yarns. At early morning they had drawn some 
 half-a-dozen listeners around them, among whom was a 
 superstitious impostor, in rusty black and straight hair 
 who was endeavouring to palm himself off for a cler 
 gyman, and who was strongly suspected by one of the 
 story-tellers. The principal object of the most promi 
 nent speaker (who was a rough but good-natured Vir 
 ginian) seemed to be, to impress upon the mind of this 
 pretended Rev., the dangers and jeopardies of steam- 
 travelling ; more particularly in boats, more especially 
 upon rivers, and more peculiarly on the Mississippi ri 
 ver ! The parson had said little, but he gave his neigh 
 bours to understand that all his predilections w r ere in 
 favour of the f doctrine of fore-ordination. 
 
 " Whatever is to be, will be," sighed the rusty gen 
 tleman, as the Virginian concluded an account of a 
 
DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. Ill 
 
 dreadful steamboat accident, which occurred only a few 
 days previously. 
 
 " You b lieve it, do you, stranger I 9 
 
 " Indeed, my friend, I do." 
 
 " P raps you never heern tell o that orful catastro- 
 phy as took place Aere-abouts, some time ago ?" 
 
 " Mercy ! No." 
 
 " Last year afo Christmas" 
 
 "To what?" 
 fe " To the steamer Snorter." 
 
 "No! Where?" 
 
 " On this very river." 
 
 How ?" 
 
 Bu st her biler." 
 
 "When?" 
 
 " Just about this time o j day." 
 
 The dev 1 mean, you don t say so!" 
 
 "Oh, yes. What is ter be, mil be and a feller 
 can t help it." 
 
 The tabs of a dingy white neck-cloth dangled at the 
 side of the narrator s chair, and a pair of dingier gray 
 eyes were fixed upon the Virginian s as he proceeded. 
 
 " How did it happen ?" asked the reverend. 
 
 " Wai. We had a fello abo d, as was struck with a 
 fit o preachin j and the cuss never d sleep o nights, 
 but keep a hollerin and blo in cos he was afeered 
 sunthin 7 would split afo day he said we wus such 
 a wicked set, and he d try to hev sum uv us put asho . 
 He was a Jonah, cuss him, but we fixed him afo we got 
 through." 
 
 " How?" asked the parson. 
 
 How ? W v we left him asho !" 
 
112 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Where ?" 
 
 "On the river yere." 
 
 "In the night?" 
 
 "No. Just about this time! We overhauled a 
 boat as wus runnin in the opposition (at a wood-yard 
 below), and afo we knew whar we wus, the cap n had 
 got our craft under weigh agin (for the feller had started 
 off ahead of us, in a hurry), and we wus soon neck and 
 neck. The pitch-knots was crammed inter the furnaces, 
 right smart, stranger, and away we went, sometimes afo 
 and sometimes abreast of the Sno rter. Wul we 
 finally hove in sight of another wood-yard, whar we hed 
 to stop to take in fuel. We veered round to the sho , 
 p.nd made fast in a jiffy." 
 
 " Well ?" said the parson, as his eyes started in their 
 sockets. 
 
 Wul, thar was a heap o steam on her, and we hed 
 made up our minds that what wus to be, would be, 
 and it xvusn t o no use to be skeert afo we wus hurt ; 
 n so we jes naterally insisted that the other craft must 
 be beat any how." 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 "Wul, wot do you suppose the cap n did, stranger?" 
 
 " Can t say." 
 
 " He druv one end of a cro bar into the loop over 
 the scape-valve (which was bobbin up an down, and 
 Jettin off the extra steam) and jes set hisself down on 
 the other end uv it /" 
 
 The devil he did !" 
 
 " The what, stranger?" 
 
 " I say it can t be possible ! 
 
 " But / say he did, though and thar he sot till she 
 blo dup " 
 
DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. 113 
 
 Busted ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes 1 When we started from the sho at the 
 fust turn of the wheel on her, she bust into a thousand 
 splinters." 
 
 " Awful !" says the parson. 
 
 " The cap n wus never heer d on. I was standin 
 on the upper deck," continued the Virginian, " and the 
 feller as wanted to preach so bad, was heavin the pitch 
 into the fires when she bust." 
 
 " And you never saw him more?" inquired the par 
 son, in breathless suspense. 
 
 * " yes. As me and the smoke-pipe went UP, we met 
 the cuss coming DOWN ! !" 
 
 Well?" continued the impostor. 
 
 Well, I kno ed he wus a Jonah" added the Vir 
 ginian, " an ef he hadn t a bin done fer, as he wus, I d 
 a licked him to death fer palming himself off fer a par 
 son, which he wusn t !" 
 
 The gentleman with the straight hair and seedy coat 
 turned pale upon this, and at the conclusion of the story 
 the bell rang, below the steampipe sent forth its thun 
 der and the boat veered round in front of another 
 wood-yard. 
 
 " What s that?" asked the pretended parson. 
 
 " We re heavin asho . This is the very yard /" 
 
 The impostor scrambled ashore up the steep bank 
 and when the last bell rung, nothing was seen of him. 
 We left again, but no parson was in sight. W T e had 
 been detained half an hour at the yard, and were now 
 quietly making our way down stream, close to the shore 
 --when from a bluff on the bank, a mile or so below 
 the wood-yard, our missing parson was suddenly dis- 
 
114 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 covered, shaking his clenched fist most lustily at his 
 Virginian friend, who was the first to espy him ! 
 
 The only reply vouchsafed by his tormentor, to this 
 pugnacious demonstration, was a certain twisting of his 
 fingers in front of his phiz while his thumb rested gen 
 tly upon the tip of his nose! We continued on our 
 course, and the last I saw of the frightened l parson, 
 he was rushing along the river s bank at top-speed, and 
 evincing a most religious desire to find a big stone to 
 hurl at the head of his persecutor, who soon left him to 
 his own reflections ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 
 
 A DESULTORY SKETCH OF CHARACTER. 
 
 " What though a man be obligated to dance a bear, a man may be 
 a gentleman for all that." 
 
 She Stoops to Conquer. 
 
 WE first knew TIM LINKS as a gentleman in velvet 
 smalls, who used to lead calico horses into the ring at a 
 travelling circus, and, in connexion with another gentle 
 man in velvet smalls, adjust the spring-board and carr^ 
 out the evergreen tree that grew oranges for the consump 
 tion of the Sprites of the Silver Shower. He never as 
 pired to the dignity of spangles, and his smalls, from con 
 stant contact with the ring, became of such an inveterate 
 tan-colour, that when he stood in the arena in a dim 
 
TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 115 
 
 light, he looked like a Herculean torso from the ruins of 
 Pompeii. We next hear of him as second camel- 
 puncher in a Grand Caravan. And so Links rose, step 
 by step, until he became possessor of a cheap flamingo 
 and a plethoric porcupine, when he seceded from the 
 Caravan, and set up a e side show, travelling with the 
 Menagerie as an independent satellite, and diverting a 
 good many coppers from the legitimate establishment. 
 The t Grand Junction United Zoological Institute finally 
 bought him out, and he set up a shingle in Broadway, 
 some sixteen years ago, with a small assortment of ani 
 mals, which he exhibited at a shilling a head admission. 
 I remember the original flamingo with very few of the 
 original feathers left used to stand on one leg in an area 
 outside the show, as a forlorn hope to entice the unwary 
 within doors. Links used to stand a good part of his 
 time at the door, to solicit custom as well as to parry 
 the satirical sallies which the b hoys were wont to di 
 rect against his favourite bird. 
 
 "Bless my eye-balls!" a juvenile critic would ex 
 claim, " that ere a flamingo ! Why, he hain t got but 
 one leg, and he s as bare as a picked crow." 
 
 " Gentlemen !" Links would say, " he s a moultin 
 (he was always a moulting, according to Links), and 
 he ll come out week after next as red as a pan-tile. 
 You blasted fool ! (addressing the bird with a venomous 
 punch) let down your t other leg! Don t you see em 
 poking fun at yer ! There, gentlemen ! that ere s the 
 original St. Domingo of South Ammeriky, which feeds 
 on cochineal in his native state, and ow r es his colour to 
 the prevalence of red pepper in Cayenne drinks no- 
 tliiug but port wine, and is partial to lady-bugs. Walk 
 
116 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 in, gentlemen, and see the collection bears, tigers, 
 kangaroos, and porkepines, which beats the Zoological 
 Gardens all holler, and can t be come over by the Gar 
 dens des Plantys in Par-ee /" 
 
 This appeal used to draw down torrents of applause 
 and laughter, when Links would disappear through a 
 green baize door, and his exit would be followed by a 
 growl from an invisible bear and c Buy a Broom from 
 a hand-organ, with the middle bars left out. 
 
 Tim Links was not a man of exemplary habits. 
 There was a certain plebeian bar-room in a by-street, 
 hard by his < Institute, where he was wont to sit from 
 11, P. M., into the small hours of the morning, imbibing 
 strong waters, and growling over his cups like an un 
 happy bear, whose disposition, when not perfectly sober, 
 and imperfectly drunk, seemed to be his own. One 
 night, the landlord, incensed at the row he made, re 
 proached him with the severity of the < turkey he had 
 < on, and shoved him out of doors sans ceremonie. 
 
 "It s a turkey I ve got on," hiccuped Tim Links, as 
 he noticed a singular disposition on the part of the pave 
 to rise up and impede his progress to-morrow night, 
 old fellow, it ll be another sort of bird." 
 
 And sure enough, as the clock struck twelve on the 
 ensuing night, Tim walked into the bar-room with a 
 bald eagle perched upon his shoulders. Marching 
 up to the bar, he ordered a double tumbler of whis 
 key punch. Now, though the bird of our banner was 
 very fond of Tim, he was not partial to strangers ; and 
 when the old Dutch landlord was handing his glass to 
 Tim, the eagle, poising himself upon one claw, thrust 
 forth the other in ravenous guise, and inflicted a severe 
 scratch on the pate of mine host. 
 

 While the bear very quietly took an arm-chair at the other, &,nd disclosed a 
 double row of sharp serrated teeth. lPaye 117. 
 
TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 117 
 
 " Bonder and blixen !" roared Mein Herr. " Take 
 the tamt pird away, Tim ! Ter tuyfel ! how mem head 
 shmarts!" 
 
 " Like him better than a turkey ?" asked Tim, with a 
 fiendish grin. 
 
 The bar-room loafers rose in affright, as the savage 
 bird, spreading his pinions, circled over their heads, ut 
 tering his shrill shrieks, menacing each individual in the 
 assembly, arid not ceasing his gyrations until he had 
 driven them all forth into the street. 
 
 With a malignant smile of satisfaction, Tim resumed 
 his bird, and went home as sober as a church. 
 
 The next night, punctual to the chime of twelve, Tim 
 made his appearance in full Zoological costume. He 
 wore his eagle as before round his neck he had twisted 
 a couple of torpid boas, and by a short chain he led a 
 very savage and congenial bear. The crowd receded 
 before his weighty steps; the Dutchman was horror- 
 stricken as he beheld his uncomfortable customer seat 
 himself at one side of a table covered with sprigged oil 
 cloth, while the bear very quietly took an arm-chair at 
 the other, and disclosed a double row of sharp serrated 
 teeth, as he smiled upon the unfortunate landlord with an 
 unwonted effort at benignity. 
 
 " Milk punch for two !" said Tim, sternly, with a 
 wave of his < red right hand. 
 
 " Tirectly, sir," answered the quivering landlord, in 
 the meekest tone imaginable. 
 
 " Make em strong," said Tim no nutmeg for the 
 bear and harkye, a plate of crackers for the bird." 
 
 The perspiration poured down the poor landlord s 
 face, as he laboured in the composition of the bibables. 
 
118 
 
 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " And now, mein tear Mr. Links," said he, in a sup 
 plicating tone of voice, you vill come and get te trinks 
 yourself!" 
 
 " Not I, you cub !" thundered the showman. " Fetch 
 them yourself, or I ll set the bird on you !" 
 
 The poor Dutchman, in mortal terror, trembled for 
 his life. He was regularly cornered now. But fright, 
 like hunger, sharpens wit, so he set the tumblers on a 
 long-handled fire-shovel, and extending his arm in the 
 fashion of a fencer making; a lunge, he contrived to de- 
 
 O O / 
 
 posit the punch safely before the precious couple. Links 
 smiled grimly, and nodded to the bear, as he raised his 
 glass to his lips. The bear capsized the tumbler with 
 his snout and then lapped up the liquor, stopping now 
 and then to lick his lips and cock his red eye at his 
 master, as if in token of his perfect approbation. As 
 soon as he had finished, he looked at the landlord, who 
 was contemplating the strange scene with open eyes and 
 mouth, and uttered a fierce growl. 
 
 "More punch! don t you hear him ?" roared the 
 showman. 
 
 The order was instantly obeyed. Bruin made away 
 with the second glass as speedily as he mastered the 
 first. He drank a third in the like manner but refused 
 a fourth. In fact, he had got enough ; he fairly hiccup- 
 ed swayed in his chair rocked his head from side to 
 side with maudlin gravity, and snorted. 
 
 " Te tamt trunken peast !" ejaculated the Dutchman. 
 
 It seemed as if the bear heard him ; for, with an an 
 gry growl, he started from his seat and made for the 
 affrighted landlord. It was in vain that the latter sought 
 the shelter of the bar. Over it and him, the animal 
 
TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 119 
 
 rolled, roaring and snarling, smashing glasses and de 
 canters, and making a general average of the poor 
 Dutchman s stock in trade. 
 
 Take him off! take him off!" roared Mynheer. 
 Mine tear Mr. Links. Tink of my poor wife and 
 hopeless little vons ! I ll forgive your debt yes, gra- 
 shus! I won t sharge for mein crockery! Murder! 
 murder !" And here his voice became suddenly extinct 
 he was paralyzed with terror lying on his back be 
 hind the bar with his hands and feet lifted up, like the 
 legs of a whipped poodle begging for mercy. Tim 
 Links surveyed the picture with a grim smile. 
 
 " That ere does me good," said he ; "it s a practi- 
 kle proof of a theory of mine when I fust went inter the 
 St. Domingo spekkleation, bout the superiority of an- 
 nimle over human natur. That ere poor drivellen 
 creetur ain t of no account long side of a bar. Well 
 well the crittur brung it onto himself! heaving a tur 
 key into my teeth ! Come here, Ben !" 
 
 The bear reluctantly obeyed for he was partial to 
 fat Dutchmen and staggering up to his master, permit 
 ted him to take his chain. Tim, who was none of the 
 soberest, tied his bear into a hard knot to avoid losing 
 him, gathered up his eagle, pocketed a couple of vipers 
 who were crawling out of his sleeve, and made tracks 
 for the Institute. The next day, the unfortunate 
 Dutchman sold out, and set up his shingle anew upon 
 Harlem road. His hair, which was once as black as jet, 
 in one night turned as white as snow ; and whenever his 
 friends commented on the circumstance, he used to re 
 count his unhappy experience, and told how " Dat 
 tamt Tim Links te scamp mit his puzzard and his 
 
120 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 snakes, and his tamt trunken pear, frightened him all 
 over so pad ash never was, and scart all de plack hair 
 off his head into white, yust like old Santa Glaus upon 
 te sigri-poard ;" and from that time forward he never 
 ventured to declare as heretofore, that " Goot entertain 
 ment for man and peast might be found rm tin de prem- 
 ishes." 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 "TOO MUCH ALIKE i" 
 
 IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN SATISFACTORILY, THAT ARCHITECTS SHOULD 
 NEVER PLAN OR ERECT TWO BUILDINGS SIMILAR IN DESIGN. 
 
 ONE of those ludicrous, but singular occurrences, 
 which will sometimes take place even in the best socie 
 ty, came to light a short time since in the upper ten 
 circle of a neighbouring city, and which for richness, 7 
 outvies the Oolong and cream-toast of our old acquain 
 tance Squeers, emphatically! We have asserted that 
 such things will happen. But then as Mrs. Partington 
 would say, "it s a queer world" and so it is! But 
 for the story. 
 
 A polished little French gentleman of considerable 
 wealth, who had been educated in the highest school 
 of politeness, had been wedded to a beautiful, but 
 showy woman, for a brief period; and having, with his 
 bride, passed the hey-day of the honey-moon in making 
 the tour of the Northern States, concluded to settle down 
 in Quakerdom. After a little search, he decided upon 
 
" TOO MUCH ALIKE!" 121 
 
 locating in one of a fine block of houses in Hansom 
 street, a row of buildings erected within a few years, 
 and uniform in their architecture, inside and out. The 
 whole block was occupied, with the exception of that 
 chosen by Monsieur, who furnished it forthwith, in the 
 most elegant style, and took possession. 
 
 I have come to Philadelphee" said the French 
 gentleman (and he tells his own story most eloquently, 
 and innocently) " I have come to ze city vis my vife, 
 an I likes him var mooch. I go vis my vife to look 
 for ze grande maison vhich sal please Madame and ve 
 find him, numero two hon red twenty-three, Hansom 
 street. I secure him, I furnish him, a la mode, ve settil 
 down, ve live var content eh bwn, vot you sal call 
 < com-ybr^-able a V Anglais. I hav foine house, 
 foine compagnons, ma vife var good tres bien ! 
 
 " I hav sometimes ennui; an I go to ze grand 
 Opera. Mon Dieu ! I listen to TEDESCO ! Ah ! Mon 
 sieur zar be but une Tedesco ; var foine magni- 
 fique! I leave ze Opera, I come home to ma house, ze 
 garcon open ze door, I come in and I look for Mad 
 ame. I ask < Vere be MadameT Ze servant sai Ma 
 dame retire. Tres bien it is right Madame fatigue. 
 I sit down, I smoke ma cigare, I read ze Courier, ze 
 clock strike dix heures I take ze lamp, and pass to ma 
 chambre. I go var still, not to disturb Madame, who 
 have mooch fatigue I open ze door, I place ze light on 
 
 ze table, I turn roun , MON DIEU ! I foin ze jentle- 
 
 man sourS Asleep in bed vis ma vife. 
 
 u I take ze jentleman by ze arm, and I call to him, 
 var loud < Eh bien. Monsieur! vot you do in ma 
 bed ? 
 
122 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " He start up var mooch, an he cry < Tieve ! robbair! 
 murdair ! vot you do, sair ? 
 
 " I say l Pardonnez-moi, monsieur, que diable you do 
 in ma bed! 
 
 " < In you bed ? 
 
 " < Oui, monsieur 
 
 " <No, sair!" he say < it is my bed and you are 
 dam robbair, I sal call ze voch. 
 
 " < Monsieur I say to him < it is not you bed. It 
 is ma bed it is ma house, numero two hon red twen 
 ty-tree, Hansom street dis is ma chambre, ma furniture, 
 ma carpet, ma curtain zat is ma vife ! Vot you sai, 
 sir, toarf?" 
 
 "He look at me var strange he sit up in ma bed 
 he look at ma vife he look at me he rub his eye 
 an he get out on ze floor. 
 
 " < Monsieur J he sai to me I beg ten touzan 
 pardon. I hav maik grande mistaik. Ma house is 
 numero two hon red twenty-^ve, Hansom street an / 
 hav* come into ze wrong door! Excusez-moi. I sai 
 
 maik grande apologe to Madame, on ze morrow 1 
 
 hav maik var bad mistaik ! Bonne nuit, Monsieur 
 pardonnez-moi / 
 
 "He hav go down stairs, he have pass out, I have 
 see ze door lock, fast, myself, and I retire vis Madame. 
 
 "But I no loik ze maisons, in vot you call Han 
 som street ; and nex day I go to ze oflfees vot you call 
 V intelligence, an I get me house in Rue du Cantone ; 
 vot you sal call, a V Anglais, Canton street numero 
 von honored tirty-von, Canton street. I have move ma 
 property from numero two hon red twenty-tree, Hansom 
 street vich I no like, be-gair ! I have move Madame 
 
"TOO MUCH ALIKE!" 123 
 
 ma house var fine I have got on var well tres 
 bien. 
 
 li I have reside at numero von hon red tirty-von, 
 Canton street, tree little veeks. Ze house var j mooch 
 aloikj but I have been content ze jentleman maik great 
 apologe to ma vife, an he call un, deux, trois times to 
 make ze same to me. I hav forgot all about ze grande 
 mistaik, an I go to ze play vizout Madame. 
 
 " I come home to ma house, var early Madame 
 have retire, an I go up ze stairs, not mooch quick, but 
 I reach ze door; I come into ma chambre ven, Diable ! 
 I find ze jentleman in ma bed, once more, twoice! 
 
 " I go to ze bed, I seize ze jentleman by ze troat, an 
 I sai < Eh bien, Monsieur ! Vot you do in ma bed, two 
 time vonce more, ehT 
 
 He hav zhump out on ze floor, he rub his eye 
 var mooch he choke var bad an he sai, < Vot you do 
 vis ma troat ? 
 
 " I ask him, < Vot you do in ma bed, sair ? 
 
 " < It is not your bed, by gain 
 
 < Not rna bed V 
 
 " JVb / Monsieur, it is my bed. 
 
 < You bed? Monsieur., prenez garde! Is zatyou 
 bureau? Zat you war robe ? Zat you escritoire^ 
 a-ha ! Zat you night-cap ? Zat you shirt ? Zat you 
 VIFE? Sacre Monsieur, you hav maik var bad mis 
 taik before, you hav maik no mistaik zis time. 
 
 < Pardonnez-moi, Monsieur he say. 
 
 < No, sair. You hav maik mistaik vonce, but zis 
 is numero von hon red tirty-von Canton street, and not 
 numero two hon red twenty-tree Hansom street ! Vot 
 you sai now, sair? 
 
124 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " < Excusez-moi, Monsieur, he sai, <I have maik 
 great mistaik vonce, and two day back, I move from 
 numero two hon red twenty^e, Hansom street, to von 
 honred fo rfy-TREE, Canton street! I hav now maik 
 mistaik in ze front door ! He maik many apologe 
 I cink he have maik mistaik he put on ze pantalon 
 he bow var polite he lie go out ov ma house, 
 monsieur ! 
 
 " I pack ma furniture nex day I go to ze Balti 
 more. Be gair!" continued the French gentleman, as 
 he thrust a monstrous pinch of snuff into his nostrils 
 " I no like to live in zat Philadelphee : ze HOUSE TOO 
 MUCH LOIKE, by dam!" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 A LIVE YANKEE "SNORED" OUT! 
 
 READER do you snore in your sleep ? 
 
 You dorft*! Well, I suppose not! I never yet met 
 the individual who would acknowledge the corn. 
 
 Shall I tell you of a little adventure I was once wit 
 ness to with a c snorer ? 
 
 The varieties of the genus < Snorer are very extended. 
 There is your quiet, sighing, unobtrusive snorer who 
 always has a good time at it, and troubles nobody. 
 There is your wheezing, chuckling, squeaking snorer 
 who makes a regular business of it, but who keeps it all 
 < in the family, and, peradventure, annoys only the 
 partner of his joys and sorrows. There is, also, your 
 
A LIVE YANKEE " SNORED" OUT ! 125 
 
 nasal grumbler, (who sleeps in the next room!) who 
 mumbles and grunts and gets over it. 
 
 But if there be under Heaven any object of pity one 
 that should excite the sympathy of*the benevolently 
 disposed more than another, commend me to your ge 
 nuine^ out-and-out snorer ! 
 
 To appreciate his qualities fully you should be fa 
 tigued and restless yourself after a three days journey 
 over a thumping bad road, and you shall run athwart 
 him, where the steamboat line connects, at a late hour in 
 the night. You shall retire to one of the few cots left 
 which you find stretched in the centre of the cabin for the 
 accommodation of the last comers and, after the dread 
 ful jolting you have passed through for the previous 
 twenty-four or forty-eight hours, as the case may be, you 
 shall regale yourself, imaginatively (during the process 
 of undressing), with the prospective enjoyment which 
 Nature s sweet restorer has in reserve for you ! 
 
 Your weary head touches the pillow, but an unusual 
 nervousness troubles you ; and, despite your most earnest 
 endeavours, it is midnight before you can compose 
 yourself. You are at last worn out with tossing and 
 turning and, though the night is warm and the vermin 
 are active you are determined to sleep. 
 
 For the last half-hour you have been listening to what 
 you imagined distant thunder (you are c afraid of light 
 ning ), and, at the instant you have concluded to resign 
 yourself to the embrace of Morpheus, your eyes are sud 
 denly agape, wide open, and as your brow is slightly 
 knitted, you involuntarily ask yourself, " What s that ?" 
 
 In reply to your interrogatory, a sort of explosion 
 takes place a miniature eruption of Vesuvius, a blast 
 
126 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " whoo oof-p T"* and the sound rolls away in a 
 
 long-drawn, unearthly sigh like the last effort of a 
 suffocating man to recover his breath and all is silent 
 again. 
 
 In such a plight, and at such a time some years ago, 
 I remember to have met a Yankee in the cabin of a 
 crowded canal packet. 
 
 It was nearly midnight when he came on board, at 
 Pittsburgh, from one of the Ohio river steamers. He 
 was a very plain man, and had been out west, so he 
 said and was satisfied to go home again ! 
 
 The cabin was crammed, and an < upright was allot 
 ted him in the middle of the floor, with some others. 
 He was a live Yankee and occupied some considerable 
 time in undressing, securing his watch, adjusting- the 
 bed-clothes, and caring for his tin which he stowed 
 away under the pillow. He finally mounted the piece 
 of furniture, which some lady-writer compares to <a 
 fence-rail, covered with two strips of tape, and stretched 
 himself out for the night. 
 
 For a long time he tossed uneasily in his cot, muttering 
 to himself something about being " shelved up between 
 heaven and airth" but he finally turned over, as I 
 supposed, for the last time when a fellow 7 on his extreme 
 right, near the door, who had evidently been getting 
 ready for some minutes burst out with 
 
 Aka r-r roo wh-e u !" 
 
 Had a thunderbolt struck the Yankee upon the crown, 
 he wouldn t have re-ached the cabin floor quicker than 
 he did as it was! And there he stood < in his tracks 
 his teeth chattering, his eyes -distended, with both hands 
 grasping the side-rail of his cot as he yelped out 
 
A LIVE YANKEE SNORED" OUT ! 127 
 
 Hel-tow /" 
 " Phoo o 
 
 "Wot sMof?" 
 
 The unconscious sleeper was relieved, momentarily 
 and he vouchsafed no answer. 
 
 The Yankee gazed about the cabin cautiously but 
 his fellow-lodgers were all sound asleep apparently, and 
 the quiet rippling of the water against the sides of our 
 frail boat, was all that now broke the silence. 
 
 Again he mounted the cot, and at the moment I had 
 supposed he had at last gone to the land of nod 7 for 
 the night another 
 
 " Ker-r-r cthee-e - whoo /" burst from the throat 
 of the snorer on his right, who had now f got the steam 
 well up. While the stranger started up to look for the 
 cause a 
 
 Per shee - swelu ooh," escaped the grunter, 
 and our Yankee could contain himself no longer. With 
 one bound he sprang to the floor with 
 
 " Uel-low I say - " 
 
 Ah phoo !" 
 
 " Thunder and airthquakes !" 
 
 Wh e w!" 
 
 "Wot wit?" - 
 
 " Ar-ker-ker - sloo oo" 
 
 Tchoo - " 
 
 " No, it ain t me - " 
 
 Er y heu !" 
 
 Blast your pictur it ain t /" 
 
 Ah - tish /" 
 
 I say yer lie! 9 
 
128 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Er a hoo ! " 
 
 " Wy, it s you yerself," continued the Yankee, 
 approaching him cautiously " and yer ve made noise 
 enough to skeer the divil, or stop a camp-meet n !" 
 
 As he placed his hand upon the snorer s breast, a 
 sudden " whoof.!" escaped him, and the Yankee could 
 bear no more ! 
 
 "Help, yere!" 
 
 " Pshe eu !" said the snorer. 
 
 "Do/" 
 
 " Ah shwoo " 
 
 For God s sake !" 
 
 a Hup kir " 
 
 Cap n help yere! The man s a dyin I say, 
 Mister /Murder ! help !" 
 
 By this time the cabin was in a roar for the scene in 
 its early stages had awakened most of the crowd, who 
 had enjoyed it right heartily. The snorer turned over 
 suddenly upon his side, and the effect awakened him. 
 
 "What s the row, neighbour?" he inquired of the 
 Yankee, who stood over him with a light. 
 
 " Raowl Thunder and lightnin ! ain t yer dead 
 yit ! Wai, I reck n you re one uv em, stranger! Mishi- 
 gan thunder s a fool to yur e snorin by grashus ! Ef 
 I sleep in this yere coop to-night, cuss my pictur!" he 
 added and, in spite of all the captain s assurances, he 
 went out upon the deck, where he lay till morning. 
 
 At daylight he landed and, as he parted with the 
 captain, he declared that he had "heern powerful thun 
 der in his time, but that chap s snoring beat all the 
 high-pressures he ever heerd jest as easy as open and 
 Bhet! 5 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
"WOBOT BAKWYMAW." 
 
 AN ELECTION-DAY SCENE, IN BOSTON. 
 
 THE annual election for city officials occurred in the 
 good city of Boston, on Monday. There were no less 
 than < six Richmonds in the field, on this occasion, and 
 the prospect appeared promising at noon that before 
 sunset, a Mayor and Common Council would be elect 
 ed for the current political year, provided they didn t 
 miss it. If not instructive, it was at least amusing to be 
 present an hour at the polls. Take an example. 
 
 A quiet-looking, decent enough kind of man ap 
 proaches the door of one of the Ward rooms. He is 
 clumsily dressed, it is true, and is evidently a stranger 
 in these parts. His antiquated suit and apparent inno 
 cence of the existence of such an article of wearing 
 apparel as a pair of boots his long-tailed and longer- 
 sleeved < blue, his low-crowned felt all indicated 
 plainly that he wasn t bred in the town. He sees the 
 crowd and steps over the way. Some half-a-score of 
 worthies are watching him, and a rush is made as he 
 Arrives near the door. 
 
 " Fresh water ticket, sir?" bawls a vote distributor, 
 m a greasy coat and slouched hat, who looks for all the 
 world as if he hadn t been within hailing distance of 
 any water fresh or foul for a quarter of a century. 
 
 " Cold water ticket, sir?" inquires a one-eyed 
 who sports a particularly red nose below it. 
 
130 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Native American, sir ?" cries a third. 
 
 " Regular Whig ticket ?" asks another ; " that s your 
 time o day, sir! No malgamashin in that ere; Regular 
 Whig." 
 
 "Abolition, sir?" asks a fifth. 
 
 " Democrathic rigelar ?" shouts another. " No bi- 
 tin the thum at that, sure. Be the powers ! but we ll 
 be afther hevin the man as ll purtect the janeous of 
 liberthy, and the rights o the paple, at large and none 
 o your spalpeens as ul be gitting up a row agin natre- 
 lezashin sure !" 
 
 " Whig, sir?" continues number four. 
 
 " Democrath," says number six, again. 
 
 " Get out, with your d d loco," 
 
 " Who dug you up ? I ll prove to ye s - 
 
 "This is the ticket, sir!" 
 
 "Which?" 
 
 "The Regular Wh " 
 
 "No, it ain t!" 
 
 " I knows what I " 
 
 "No, you don t." 
 
 " I go for equal ri ." 
 
 " You re a mongrel." 
 
 A what?" 
 
 " A half and a ha " 
 
 "Where s Bill Smashem?" 
 
 " Here !" answers Bill. 
 
 "I m KwhatV 
 
 "You re a fool." 
 
 " You re a liar" whack! aw r ay rolls number four 
 
 across the street, and the < Regular tickets are scattered 
 gratis to the multitude. W r hile the sufferer is endeavour 
 ing to gather himself up, his hat is caught up by the wind, 
 
131 
 
 and by this time is bounding away at a good round 
 seven-knot rate, our country friend behind, pursuing it 
 in full cry. The beaver strikes a gas post Gawky 
 makes a dive for it, but misses the hat, crushes the crown 
 of his own, and at the same instant nearly dashes out 
 what little brains he has. The flying hat scuds round 
 the corner, and Greeny, nothing daunted, scuds after 
 it. Away goes the beaver and away goes Verdant 
 but he has it now ! No, he hasn t that sidewalk is 
 very slippery but Gawky overtakes the hat, and urging 
 himself forward, he makes one desperate effort to gain 
 the prize, his heels unfortunately go up, his head goes 
 down, the hat lodges against an awning-post and 
 Verdant finds himself plunged head foremost into an 
 oyster cellar! 
 
 " What the devil s cumin ?" shouts the oyster vender. 
 
 " Whew /" replies Greeny. 
 
 "You re drunk," continues < shell fish. 
 
 " no, I hain t," gasps the victim half stunned and 
 staggering from the shock. 
 
 " Yis, you air you can t stan straight, now !" 
 
 " Guess he s hurt," ventures the attendant. 
 
 " Hold yer yawp, spoony who axed you any ques 
 tions ?" 
 
 "I m wurwid in my ed," says Greeny. 
 
 Wurrid in yer ed ? So I shud think. Get out o 
 this." . 
 
 " Don t hurwy, if you please. You see I ve " 
 
 " Git out, I say you re drunk" and the unfortunate 
 is forthwith ejected. 
 
 Partially recovered, Verdant grasps the hat, and re 
 turns triumphantly to the Ward room. The owner is 
 
132 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 foaming with rage and fury (having come out second 
 best in the melee), and discovering Greeny with his hat, 
 he looks upon him as the prime cause of the trouble, 
 and as the former hands him his beaver, without more 
 ado he tenders him a polk in the eye, which lays him 
 sprawling in the gutter. By this time, the mischief 
 having all been done an officer arrives, and the parties 
 are forthwith conveyed to the Police Court. The com 
 plaint is made in due form, for a disturbance of the 
 peace, and our unlucky friend <with the lame eye is 
 placed in the witness box. 
 
 Name?" inquires the clerk. 
 
 " Sir?" says the countryman wiping his eye. 
 
 " Your name, sir ?" 
 
 Name ? oh ! Wobot Barwymaw." 
 
 What, sir?" 
 
 Wobot Barwymaw." 
 
 " Wobot Barwymaw 7 No trifling, sir ! How do you 
 spell it ?" 
 
 " R-O-B Wob E-R-T Wobot B-A-R-R-Y Barwy 
 M-O-R-E Barwymaw. Wobot Barwymaw." 
 
 " Ah ! yes I see Robert Barrymore. You have 
 an impediment in your speech ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " What s the reason you don t speak intelligibly ?" 
 asked the court. 
 
 " The weason is appawent / can ." 
 
 " What s the occasion of it ? 
 
 Can t say, sir. It s herweditawy." 
 
 " Well, sir go on now with your story." 
 
 *< Wot stowy ?" innocently inquired the witness. 
 
 "What story! Do you know, sir, that this is a 
 Court of Justice ? What are vou in the witness box for ? v 
 
133 
 
 " I weally can t say, sir. I m a stwanger here and, 
 as I was stwolling down the stweet, I met a cwowd 
 wound the Ward-woom, as they call it and cwossed 
 over to see what the wow was. As I appwoached the 
 door, I saw a big wuffian stwike a man in the face, 
 and knock him down. His hat fell off, and I wun to 
 catch it." 
 
 " It is of no consequence about that affair how did 
 you get injured?" 
 
 " The consequence of it might have been sewious, 
 I think for the hat blew wound the corner and I wun 
 after it. The city authowities might have had to we- 
 munewate me for a bwoken skull for the sidewalk was 
 so slippewy that I twipped over, and wushed headlong 
 into an oysterman s store." 
 
 " Did you receive your bruise in that fall, sir?" 
 
 "Bless your innocence, no! I weturned with the 
 wefwactowy gentleman s hat, and as I appwoached to 
 pwesent it to him, That s my man! says he, and 
 without further cerwemony, I weceived for my twouble 
 this horwid black eye. * 
 
 "Well, sir." 
 
 " Well, sir! But I do not agwee with you that it is 
 ( well, sir. This bwoosing a man for such a act of 
 disinterested fwiendship, may be customawy in Boston, 
 but it is not of common occurrence in Bwattkbowough, 
 where I come fwom." 
 
 "Is that all, sir?" 
 
 " I don t so much mind the bwoosing, as I do the 
 wowdy s pwinciple in this twansaction; and it s my pwi- 
 vate opinion that the bwute ought to be stwung up for 
 his wefwactowy and unchvvistian-like wuffian ism." 
 
134 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 The court smiled at our friend s innocence im 
 posed a fine upon the belligerent, and the parties left 
 the court. 
 
 Half an hour afterwards, Mr. Wobot Barwymaw 
 was discovered in the lower part of the city, his head 
 enveloped in a huge bandanna inquiring if there was 
 any " wail-woad which wun from Boston to Bwattle- 
 bowough !" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 A, GAME AT " SEVEN-UP." 
 
 " TAKE a drink, stranger?" inquired a diminutive, 
 gray-eyed individual, addressing himself to me, as we 
 sat at a centre-table in the cabin of a Lake steamer. He 
 continued doggedly to stir the punch which the steward 
 had just handed him, and repeated his invitation. I 
 declined. 
 
 Having disposed of a second < smasher, he tried me 
 again. 
 
 "Busy, stranger?" 
 
 I moved to him. 
 
 " Take a hand at seven-up, sir? 
 
 I assented to this proposition, to kill a dreary hour or 
 so, and my challenger immediately drew from his coat- 
 pocket the necessary documents for a bout at old sledge. 
 He had evidently calculated upon pigeoning me, and 
 plainly supposing me verdant, he coolly deposited under 
 
135 
 
 the candlestick, a five-tlollar note upon one of the 
 Western < Wild- Cat 7 institutions. I immediately co 
 vered it with a V upon the c Lumbermans* . Bank, 
 which some blackguard or other had put upon me, in 
 my travels, for a good one. The cards were dealt, a 
 brace of hands were played, and I won his < Red Dog 
 hinplaster. 
 
 " Double it, stranger?" 
 
 "As you please" said I, carelessly and he placed 
 a very respectable-looking X upon the stakes. 
 
 I held the ace, deuce, and ten of trumps, and my lead 
 drew his knave, which he boarded with a simultaneous 
 call upon somebody to " d n such luck," and upon 
 the steward to bring him another punch ! 
 
 In the next hand, I made three points, and beat the 
 game. I moved towards the money, but he prevented 
 my raising it, by covering it with a twenty-spot, where 
 upon he gulped down the balance of his third punch, 
 and dealt the cards again. 
 
 o 
 
 The liquor by this time had commenced to operate 
 upon his irritability, and I so on discovered him to be a 
 pugnacious customer. I had seen ugly little men before, 
 however, and being pretty well acquainted with the 
 game, having nothing at stake, and contriving to keep 
 perfectly cool, thus far I had my gentleman at odds. 
 
 I was in luck! I held all the cards, and made four 
 points. In the second hand of the third game, I made 
 high, low, game, and < skunked him, outright, again. 
 
 The play had now become somewhat interesting 
 fceveral spectators had gathered around the table. My 
 opponent insisted that the money should lie, and he 
 counted out his forty dollars. He was getting excited. 
 
136 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 The fourth round was more fluctuating. I had made 
 but three points, my adversary five. He dealt me an 
 excellent hand, upon which I < begged, however; be 
 cause, as he turned his cards, he volunteered the remark 
 that he would fix me, this time !" 
 
 " Give you one by G !" 
 
 " That scores me four" I added quietly. 
 
 " Four to my five," he answered. " Steward ! an 
 other punch on this !" 
 
 He held the queen, knave, and five of trumps. I led 
 a low side-card, upon which he placed a ten < for game. 
 He returned with an ace, which I gave him. He 
 
 < swung with his queen, which I took with my king, 
 and following with my ace of trumps, I had his knave 
 again! I played the four for low, which scored me 
 three upon this hand, and gift made me seven to his 
 score and c game, which counted him but six / 
 
 As he dashed his fist violently upon the table with a 
 
 d n !" I again moved towards the < pile, which 
 
 had now swelled to eighty dollars most of which was 
 in good money but he motioned me back with 
 
 " Once more, if you please, by G , stranger!" 
 
 " Have it your own way," I replied, and he planked 
 his eighty dollars on the other, which was snugly stowed 
 beneath the foot of the candlestick. 
 
 Again the cards were dealt, and in the first hand, he 
 made three points, to my gift. Three vs. one, was duly 
 scored, the papers went round again, and the result was 
 
 < four hand. We played another round, upon which I 
 was doing famously, when a misdeal was discovered. I 
 humoured him (though there was foul play, and I knew 
 it), the cards were stocked, and the deal was passed. I 
 
A GAME OF "SEVEN-UP. 137 
 
 cut the cards, and my antagonist (who by tnis time had 
 become especially stupid and particularly ugly) shuffled 
 them in the clumsiest possible manner. 
 
 We stood four and four. I held a hand to be played 
 for a man s life, the ace, queen, knave, and deuce of 
 trumps! I forthwith played the deuce which played 
 the deuce with my thick-headed friend for he couldn t 
 follow suit ! 
 
 That s High and Low by G , for all me !" he 
 muttered, as I gave him the ace of another suit, and 
 followed it with the queen. The game was up I held 
 everything never was there such < a run of luck ! 
 
 I ushered my queen followed her with the knave 
 and then boarded the ace of trumps to which last card 
 my opponent did not answer. 
 
 " Another mis deal" said he, slowly, " by G !" 
 
 " Not too fast, my friend," I answered, " you had six 
 cards." 
 
 " I say there s an other misdeal ic stranger.^ 
 
 " You are mistaken, sir. There is your sixth card, 
 under the table" 
 
 " Do you say that s my card ?" 
 
 I haven t the slightest doubt of it." 
 
 " Who in put it there ?" continued the ugly 
 
 devil. 
 
 " Can t say upon my soul but play it if you 
 please." 
 
 " Do you say /put it there ?" said the fellow 7 , refusing 
 to take it up and at the same time leisurely rolling up 
 his coat-cuffs. 
 
 " You must have dropped it," I suggested. 
 
 " Do you say ic I put it there 9" 
 i 
 
138 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 I could bear with this no longer, and hastily calculating 
 my chances for being worsted, I laid my left hand upon 
 the money, and with my right, I seized him by the fore- 
 top, across the table, as he attempted to rise at the other 
 side. A dirk-knife gleamed an instant in the light, but 
 with a sudden effort, I brought his head in contact with 
 the mahogany, which bewildered him while I wrenched 
 the dagger from his hand and secured I* argent. The 
 
 next moment, I heard the rough voice of Jack W fY, 
 
 the first officer of the boat, who had been apprised of 
 the rumpus, below. 
 
 As the blackleg arose upon me, Jack tendered him 
 a feeler, under the ear, which sent him reeling heels 
 over head into a state-room hard by, with " There, d n 
 you, take that, and go to bed ; you re eternally kicking 
 up a muss with somebody !" and turning the key upon 
 the outside of the door, he added "past twelve, gen 
 tlemen no more cards to-night, if you please" and 
 he left the cabin. 
 
 We arrived at C d before daybreak, where I left 
 
 the boat; since which time I have not had the pleasure 
 of meeting my friend who was so excessively fond of 
 the GAME OF SEVEN-UP.* 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
THE YANKEE WHO HAD NEVER HEARD A 
 GONG. 
 
 MANY a good story is recorded, about the first im 
 pressions consequent upon hearing the clang of a gong. 
 An instance recently came under my own observation. 
 
 A traveller from < up country arrived in town the 
 other evening, and having been shown to a fashionable 
 hotel for the first time in his life, he was at a loss for 
 employment for the time being. He reached the house 
 alter tea hour, and having wandered through the public 
 rooms, enjoying the c sights for a while, he was at last 
 shown to his apartment, at a very seasonable hour. 
 
 Having bestowed himself between the blankets, he 
 lay tossing about for an hour, excited with the city s 
 confusion, and being naturally nervous, he was unable 
 to compose himself to sleep. Nature gave way at last, 
 however ; and as he was just falling into a fitful slumber, a 
 low, rumbling, unearthly sound grated on his ears (ap 
 parently from the end of the passage-way), which 
 gradually increased to a fearful and indescribable hum. 
 
 The eyes of the stranger were agape, instanter his 
 gaze was fixed upon the ceiling the dreadful murmur in 
 creased big sweat-drops stood on. his forehead and 
 the final crash of the preparatory supper-gong brought 
 him straight into his boots ! He rushed into the desert 
 ed passage-way with his pants halfway on, and upside 
 down, shouting at the top of his lungs- 
 
140 STRAY SUBJl :TS. 
 
 Hel-\o, there !" 
 
 The sound echoed through the hall, but no mswer 
 followed. 
 
 " Hel-fo, I say ! Wot on airth has busted ?" 
 
 All was silent, however, and an immeasurably brief 
 space of time only had elapsed, before the countryman 
 had reached the foot of the stairs, where he made his 
 appearance with hair straight on end, his boots over his 
 pants, and his short- waisted, swallow-tailed blue catch- 
 ed at the throat by a single button. 
 
 He dashed into the office, but all was quiet the clerk 
 was at his books, and the darkies had got away into the 
 corners, to steal a nap before the arrival of the night 
 train. Our green un spied Sambo, and soon had him 
 by the button-hole, with 
 
 " Wot s that noise? 7 
 
 " Didn t hear no noise, Massa." 
 
 " Didn t hear it ?" 
 
 " Neber heern him, Titohow, Massa!" 
 
 " Why, wot on airth yer made uv?" 
 
 Sambo was snoring again. 
 
 " It was wus n forty harricanes," continued Greeny. 
 
 " is Massa" continued Sambo, in his dream. 
 
 " And ef we don t have a shr wer arter^otf, I ain t no 
 judge o thunder." 
 
 Sambo recovered, and turning up the white of one 
 eye, astronomically, he vouchsafed the opinion that as 
 it was " a clar night," there couldn t be no funder." 
 
 Wai, but / heered it, I tell ye" 
 
 Not funder, Massa clar moonlight noff n to 
 make him ob up dar,for sartin !" 
 
 Wai, you m-iy think I m drunk. But I tell you I 
 heern an airthquake, any how and " 
 
THE YANKEE AND THE GONG. 141 
 
 A mint rumbling was again apparent in the distance 
 at this moment. 
 
 " There it is agin!" shouted the countryman, as he 
 seized Sambo by the arm. "There ! d ye hear that 1" 
 
 The noise continued to increase, and Sambo, for 
 getting his wonted gravity, began to grin. 
 
 " Wot is it eh ? Say, Sambo yere s a quarter 
 a half "(Sambo pocketed the tin !) Oh ! the Lord 
 ha mercy!" 
 
 And away rushed our victim at top speed ; but un 
 fortunately, he entered the passage-way, where the 
 servant stood in the act of sounding the last gong for 
 supper! The hotel was full, and the guests were 
 crowding towards the dining-room. 
 
 Our valiant Yankee had started for < out-doors, but 
 in attempting to escape, he stumbled upon the music, 
 which had now reached that horrible din, so uncomfort 
 able to the ears of those even who are used to it. With 
 one bound and a shriek of " Murder!" he cleared both 
 waiter and gong, and the next leap carried him, heels 
 over head, through the basement window. Fortunately, 
 he was unhurt, and rolling across the gutter, he regained 
 his feet once more. 
 
 The speed with which he enlarged the distance be 
 tween himself and that hotel, would have shamed one 
 of Norris s best locomotives ! The last that was seen of 
 the sufferer, he was rapidly approaching the dock, his 
 narrow coat-skirts streaming in the wind, with the watch 
 in hot pursuit while the victim made night hideous 
 as he went on, with his desperate yell of " Murder! 
 murder! MURDER!" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
ONE WAY TO SHARPEN EM. 
 
 He secretly 
 
 Puts pirate s colours out at both our sterns, 
 That we might fight each other in mistake, 
 That he should share the ruin of us both ! 
 
 Crown s Ambitious Statesman. 
 
 SOME benevolently disposed individuals have latterly 
 amused themselves with severing the Telegraphic wires, 
 upon the arrival of the English steamers. The follow 
 ing sketch is respectfully commended to the especial 
 attention of these gentlemen ! The occurrence related 
 took place last fall, in one of our Western cities. 
 
 The mercantile community there had been on the qui 
 vive for a week, expecting daily to hear of the arrival of 
 the steamer, which had been out considerably beyond 
 her time. At the last arrival from England, flour had 
 < moved up sharply in price all the horrors attendant 
 upon < potato disease, < short crops, lack of American 
 produce, etc., etc., had been duly chronicled and the 
 commercial appetite was in a state to swallow anything 
 that might follow, leaving time to digest it for them ! 
 Every mail was consequently looked for with the deep 
 est anxiety : and every arrival in town was the occasion 
 for renewed interrogatories, touching the probable char 
 acter of the news anticipated. Expectation was on tip 
 toe, every eye was < opened tight, and every ear war 
 ready to catch the first intelligence which might come, 
 when early one morning, a rough-looking customer sud- 
 
143 
 
 denly entered the town at full gallop, upon a jaded 
 horse (which had evidently been rowelled to the top of 
 his speed for a long distance). He drew up abruptly in 
 front of a well-known hotel in the lower part of the city, 
 sprang from his saddle, dropped a silver dollar into the 
 hands of the ready waiter who received the rein, and 
 disappeared inside the house. His reeking and panting 
 animal was left in his tracks, -while the stranger darted 
 into the hotel, and booked himself " JOHN SMITH 
 Wheeling, Yd." 
 
 Mr. Smith had no luggage with him not even a 
 carpet-bag. His mud-bespattered dress told full well 
 of the < night he d had of it, and he hastily informed 
 the landlord, in a confidential way, that the " steamer 
 was in," that "he had ridden two hundred miles on 
 horseback, in the last twelve hours" and concluded 
 his brief account of himself by adding with a knowing 
 wink, that " no other journal had the news !" Mr. 
 Smith requested that his crittur might be cared for, and 
 well rubbed, for he had had a desperate ride," and, 
 gulping down a cobler, was soon out of sight. 
 
 The announcement of the steamer s arrival, of course, 
 ran like wildfire through the city ; and everybody knew 
 that an c express had reached town with her news but 
 no one could get at it ! Mr. Smith walked straight into 
 the flour market, but the sharpers had heard of his 
 coming! 
 
 What s the price of flour?" asked Mr. Smith, of an 
 extensive dealer. 
 
 " Five dollars last night, sir." 
 
 " They say the steamer s in," says Smith. 
 
 " Yes," replied the seller. 
 
144 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 And flour s riz ?" 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 " I want a thousand barrels." 
 
 " At what price ?" 
 
 " Say five and an eighth." 
 
 You can t have it." 
 
 < Five and a quarter, then." 
 
 " No, sir/" 
 
 Well, then, five and three-eighths." 
 
 " JVb, sir-eel" 
 
 " I ll give you five and a half a thousand barrels 
 cash down." 
 
 " JVb, sir I shall wait a while." 
 
 Away goes Smith, down the street the dealer goes 
 into the market flour rises half a dollar a dollar 
 a dollar and a quarter per barrel but still the knowin* 
 "uns < hold on ! 
 
 " Did you see him ?" 
 
 Who ?" 
 
 Smith." 
 
 "What Smith?" 
 
 ccjohn " 
 
 The < Express ?" 
 
 ^Yes." 
 
 No!" 
 
 "Just arrived." 
 
 Well ?" 
 
 Steamer s in." 
 
 " What news ?" 
 
 " Flour s up." 
 
 "Good!" 
 
 Potatoes all gone." 
 
 Better /" 
 
ONE WAY TO SHARPEN EM. 145 
 
 "No American produce t other side." 
 
 BEST!!" and off goes < gulled No. 2, to give his 
 friends the benefit of what he has learnt ! 
 
 Smith enters a store below, buys five hundred barrels, 
 at five dollars, deliverable in one hour, five hundred, at 
 same price, deliverable in two hours, five hundred de 
 liverable after one o clock takes his bills, with the 
 agreement attached and slopes. 
 
 " There he goes." 
 
 "Who?" 
 
 Smith." 
 
 "The Express?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 Where ?" 
 
 "There!" 
 
 Which one ?" 
 
 The white hat " 
 
 " Round the corner?" 
 
 " Yes!" and away runs < gulled No. 3, to learn from 
 Mr. Smith how he can < operate to the best advantage. 
 Mr. Smith happens to know of a < capital chance, (all 
 confidential though), where he can buy a thousand bar 
 rels, at six dollars very happy to accommodate him ; 
 will step right over the way, (nothing to be said about 
 
 it however) and < gulled No. 3 buys Mr. Smith s 
 
 flour , pays him his bonus, they take a drink, and part 
 the very best friends in the world. Catch No. 3 nap 
 ping, if you can ! He s one of em, and has been there ! 
 He meets No. 2, and a nice talk they have over their 
 luck! 
 
 But the hubbub increases ! Mr. Smith hasn t been 
 seen for an hour, and another man, in a light gray suit, 
 
146 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 with heavy black whiskers and a slouched cap, has arri 
 ved from the Eastward, bringing a slip headed New 
 York Herald Extra." He is covered with dirt, though 
 and an enterprising journal nabs him, and secures 
 the important intelligence, in advance of all its cotempo- 
 raries. The journal aforesaid < spares no expense in 
 this sort of thing, and the last comer has got his hundred 
 dollars for that job ! 
 
 A flaring < EXTRA immediately finds its way into the 
 streets, announcing the 
 
 ARRIVAL OF THE STEAMER 
 
 HIGHLY IMPORTANT!! 
 SCARCITY OF FLOUR! 
 
 NO POTATOES IN IRELAND 1 . 
 
 CORN IN DEMAND! 
 COTTON ADVANCING!! 
 
 And long before the hour for delivery agreed upon ar 
 rives, our Express has sold out at a clean profit of a 
 thousand dollars! Not a barrel of flour can be had at 
 anything like a price, and our dealers < No. 1 still 
 1 hold on for higher rates. 
 
 Mr. Smith has pressing engagements, No. 3 dines 
 with him, and insists upon paying Smith s bill, (in con 
 sideration of the great service he has rendered him !) 
 and, shortly after, Mr. Smith is seen riding briskly out 
 of town on his way to Louisville. 
 
 On the following morning, the mail arrives, and the 
 details of the news brought by the steamer appear in 
 all the Eastern journals. Unfortunately, the boot is on 
 the wrong leg ! Upon examination of the papers, the 
 story is told! Flour h?d actually fallen in price from 
 
NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENTS. 147 
 
 last quotations, the potato rot had been greatly exag 
 gerated, the English market was well stocked with 
 American produce, sales were very light, and the de 
 mand inactive ! 
 
 But the thing was up ! Mr. Smith was a < Diddler, 7 
 the slips were manufactured a few miles out of town, 
 express-^ for the purpose, the first and second < Ex 
 press were the same barring the change of chapeau, 
 breeches and whiskers, but the c bird had flown ! Our 
 enterprising journal, which had purchased the news, in 
 company with its sharp friends, had been skewered; 
 their competitors enjoyed the hoax right heartily, and to 
 this day, upon the arrival of an Express rider in the city 
 
 of C , you may hear the questions repeated from 
 
 a hundred mouths "Does he wear a slouched capV 
 or, Did he come without A CARPET-BAG ?" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 A NEWSPAPER reader who regularly consults the adver 
 tising columns of a daily journal, rarely fails to meet 
 with many things conducive both to his advantage and 
 enjoyment. Guided by unerring faith, he will there 
 find a remedy for almost every ill that flesh is heir to, 
 and encouraging examples held out of human beings 
 who have been almost entirely used up, and yet restored 
 to perfect health by the use of only six bottles of the 
 celebrated Dr. Gullem s Vegetable Anti-Mercurial Ca- 
 tholicon. Among these, he will read of the < Celebrated 
 
148 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Sufferer who c laboured under a complication of all the 
 disorders known to the Medical Faculty, and < \vho 
 was reduced to such a state as to be loathsome to his 
 friends and disgusting to himself, < who had been 
 measured for a coffin, and purchased a resting-place in 
 Mount Auburn and who, < by simply inhaling the 
 odour of one of Dr. Van Humbug s bottles of Antiseptic 
 Elixir, was instantaneously restored to perfect health, 
 and < became in one fortnight the ornament of the social 
 circle and the happy husband of one of the most charm 
 ing women in the world. The musical gentleman will 
 find something about the forthcoming concert of some 
 foreign signor or monsieur, who, according to his line, 
 is either first tenor, or first violinist, or first flautist, or 
 first pianist to the king of Bavaria, who, if we believe 
 all the advertisements, is one of the most extraordinary 
 patrons of music among the crowned heads of the conti 
 nent, employing many hundreds of musicians at enor 
 mous salaries, and allowing all of them perpetual leave 
 of absence to give concerts on their own hook in 
 England and America. The theatre-going man will 
 find the small bill, so often abruptly referred to in the 
 larger and more dignified William, where he will be 
 lieve, if he be sufficiently credulous, that all the charac 
 ters down to the dummies, are supported by gentlemen 
 from the Royal Theatres of London, and will invoke 
 silent blessings on the magnanimity of Mr. Snuffles or 
 Mr. Smithers, who, after many a brilliant triumph at 
 Drury Lane, consents to carry off two chairs and a table 
 in one clutch, for the gratification and instruction of a 
 Boston public. The general reader will be astonished 
 to learn that any young man who has $200 to loan his 
 
We conjured up the image of the tall young man of twenty, launching forth 
 into the great commercial emporium." Page 119, 
 
NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENTS. 149 
 
 employer, can have a chance of permanent occupation 
 in a genteel and pleasant business, which will be guaran 
 tied to yield him an income of $1500 per annum. 
 
 With all these wonders in the advertising columns, 
 we hold the legitimate owner of a newspaper, that is, the 
 man who has honestly paid for a copy, very much to 
 blame if he neglects making himself familiar with that 
 portion of the sheet. We would not advise the hotel 
 boarder, or the frequenter of the barber s shop, to be so 
 accurate, for he may rest assured that the time during 
 which he detains his fellows from the perusal of the news 
 of the day, will assuredly be passed by them in reflect 
 ing on his faults, or pondering on the means of rendering 
 the remainder of his life perfectly wretched and uncom 
 fortable. 
 
 Be this as it may there are queer things among the 
 advertisements very. We always ferret among them 
 in search of fun, or suggestive ideas, and we are not 
 often disappointed. We came across the following in the 
 New York Sun the other day 
 
 " There is a man going round the city selling 
 muslin for linetf he is a tall young man, seems to be 
 about twenty years of age ; it will be better for him to 
 bring back the pantaloons that he got in trade on Wed 
 nesday evening, if he does not he will be brought back." 
 
 W T e don t know whether the above will strike others 
 as it did us to our imagination it conveyed a very 
 amusing picture. First, we conjured up the image of 
 the tall young man of twenty, launching forth into the 
 great commercial emporium (after having probably served 
 a thorough apprenticeship at < thimble-rigging, and 
 < watch-burning, ) with the bold and hardy determination, 
 
150 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 worthy of a better cause, to pass off muslin (New York 
 for cotton] for linen. What a contemptuous opinion of 
 the intellects of Gotham the tall young man of twenty 
 must entertain as a basis for his project ! Then we pic 
 tured a very soft-spoken and very verdant gentleman in 
 sewed boots and an intellectual-feoking hat, with a mild 
 description of checked gingham for a neckcloth, who 
 meets the audacious pedlar, falls into the trap, sees no 
 muslin in the sanguine and blooming view he takes of a 
 shirt- pattern, and parts with an excellent pair of doe 
 skins, which he has worn but once, for an article dear at 
 four shillings York currency. 
 
 But with the morning 
 Cool reflection comes.* 
 
 An astute matron his housekeeper perhaps at one 
 dexterous tweak, accompanied by one flash of a pair of 
 horn-bowed spectacles, detects the imposition. The 
 verdant gentleman in the intellectual hat, sinks into a 
 chair beneath the mingled pressure of shame and indig 
 nation, and only rouses therefrom in the first rush of an 
 inspiration, under the influence of which he pens the ad 
 vertisement we have copied, and which cost him six 
 shillings (York again), for inser m in the Sun. It 
 never occurs to him that the tall young man of twenty 
 would snap his fingers at the threat, well knowing that 
 if his victim knew where to find him or could prove his 
 guilt, he would at once place a < Star policeman on his 
 track, instead of uttering vague threats and cautions in 
 the newspapers. Happily ignorant of this, the soft 
 headed gentleman buttons his muslin shirt to his throat, 
 and indulges in a romantic vision of a return of the < tall 
 }oung gentleman of twenty, in penitential tears, with the 
 
HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. 151 
 
 doeskins neatly folded on his arm those doeskins that 
 have seen the light but once in the summer stillness of a 
 Sabbath day at Harlem. Queer things these adver 
 tisements ! 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. 
 
 To the multitude acquainted with the miseries and 
 mysteries of a < first-rate boarding-house in New York 
 the following sketch contains but little interest. The 
 many who have never been < thar^ however, may disco 
 ver a sort of philosophy in the story ; and should any find 
 themselves similarly circumstanced, let them adopt a 
 like remedy, and 4 take our hat if the < critter is n t 
 druv out ! 
 
 In the year 183 , I had taken lodgings in a * respect 
 able boarding-place in street, and a four months 
 
 residence had fairly initiated me. I was scarcely twenty, 
 yet I had been plundered of my wardrobe, by a stran 
 ger, who was < stopping only a day or two ; I had paid 
 the supper-bills at r >elmonico s for half-a-score of the 
 knowin ones, who had invited me to participate with 
 them, and who had either left their pocket-books at 
 home, or who had prematurely < stepped out, as I was 
 finishing my last cup of chocolate. I had run the 
 neflfy gauntlet, and was perfectly well acquainted with 
 the shortest cut both to and from Passandro s ! I had 
 been four months in Gotham and it was midsummer. 
 
 The good lady of the house was one of the few who 
 paid her bills, regularly. And well she might Her 
 
152 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 house was always filled, and three in a room was a 
 moderate allowance. Two beds in my own apartment 
 were occupied ; the third had been vacant for a week. 
 An applicant came he was one of em a * transient gen 
 tleman from the West Indies and he had the pleasure 
 of being shown to the unoccopied cot in our room. My 
 chum and I had returned from an evening call at ten 
 o clock, and found the intruder safely, stowed away for 
 the night. It was hardly the thing, this (we had been 
 victimized once) and we put ourselves immediately on 
 the defensive. The stranger \vas awake, and muttered 
 something in half French, half English about his being 
 disturbed by our entrance. An exchange of glances 
 between Bill and myself fixed the matter, and we com 
 menced operations forthwith. 
 
 As I have said, it was July. The thermometer 
 had ranged well up to 95 throughout the day, and the 
 night was oppressively close and sultry. I immediately 
 closed the two windows, with an affected shudder at the 
 chilly night air, my room-mate shut the door, and I rang 
 the bell. The servant promptly responded to the sum 
 mons. 
 
 "Jerry a scuttle of coal, and some kindlings !" 
 
 "A what, sir?" 
 
 "A hod of anthracite, sir; and bear a hand, too. 
 We want a fire." 
 
 A half snicker passed over Jerry s countenance as he 
 left the door of the chamber but he returned very 
 shortly, puffing and blowing with the exertion, (for the 
 weather was intensely hot !) and placed a scuttle of 
 coal, etc., at our disposal. 
 
 Anything more, sir ?" 
 
HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. 153 
 
 "Yes. Go to , the chandler s, and bring me 
 
 half-a-dozen bundles of short six cigars." 
 
 " Short-sixes, sir!" 
 
 " Short sixes, Jerry green ones, if he has them." 
 
 Five minutes only elapsed before Jerry returned with 
 a choice collection of abbreviated < nines so green that 
 they were black ! 
 
 "Nothing more, sir?" 
 
 " Nothing now, Jerry but look sharp at the bell." 
 
 " Yes, sir" and Jerry vanished. 
 
 Meantime we had cleared the pipe the fire was well 
 under way, and we shortly afterwards discovered the 
 quicksilver at 103 ! But still we shuddered, and Bill 
 continued to clear the grate, complaining of the lack 
 of draught, while we jointly blazed away at the < sixes 
 the atmosphere in the apartment having by this time 
 become so dense and clogged with heat and the burning 
 of green Virginia tobacco, saturated with vitriol water 
 that it was absolutely choking. 
 
 Our dark-brown friend turned uneasily upon his 
 featJier bed. A stifled " whew !" or two was all that 
 had as yet escaped him, however. He turned again, 
 and threw the coverlet upon the foot-board. 
 
 Bill came to his aid at once ! The poker rang beneath 
 the grate another peck of anthracite was deposited in 
 the cylinder stove the stub of his half-smoked cigar 
 was thrown upon the red-hot cover the fire blazed 
 again, and our West India-man dashed his sweat-moist 
 ened sheet upon the carpet, with 
 
 " Sacre ! Got, dam ! I sal be pinch all up !" 
 
 "What did you observe, sir?" inquired Bill, as he 
 coolly lighted another six. 
 
 K 
 
154 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Hah ! Be gar, I sal die wis zis" 
 
 " Subject to the cramp, sir?" said I, affecting to mis- 
 undeistand him. 
 
 " Cramb ! Wot you call dat cramb ? You cramb 
 dein sto pipe by gar, sare, I sal shoke me, in my 
 winepipe by dam !" 
 
 Bill swore the fire wouldn t burn, and that he should 
 freeze, if he couldn t do something to warm the room. 
 
 Our new-comer tossed from one side of the cot to the 
 other the perspiration rolling from his body, meanwhile 
 but rny affectionate chum still plied the poker, and we 
 continued to smoke, and chatter, arid sing Bill occa 
 sionally varying the amusement with an inimitable shak 
 ing-fit, as if the ague had him. 
 
 But the fun was getting to be beyond endurance, and 
 we conceived a most lively prospect that we were ob 
 taining more than we had bargained for. The moment 
 had arrived when we must storm the fort, or beat a 
 retreat. 
 
 " Gad !" exclaimed Bill on a sudden, " did you ever 
 know such cursed weather in July ? We must have 
 another scuttle of coal." 
 
 He sprung the bell-cord, and Jerry was at hand. 
 
 "Another scuttle of coal, Jerry." 
 
 Bill snuffed a breath of fresh air as the door closed on 
 the retiring servant, and the next moment a piece of 
 sealing-wax was simmering on the top of the stove. 
 
 This was too much for our friend. He bounded from 
 the cot naked to the buff, as wet as if he had just left a 
 shower-bath and commenced such a tirade as I never 
 heard before or since. 
 
 " Vot you do, sare ? By dam you have break my 
 neck short off, wis zis dam" 
 
HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. 155 
 
 What s the matter, sir?" asked Bill, quietly. 
 
 "Mattair? JVb mattair, sare. Zis dam shoke me 
 wis you Mericaine segare wot-you-call-em dam 
 shote-seex. Begare, you have squeeze all ze bref from 
 my hellish, vot you call stomach ! Wot you for do zis 
 
 " Don t you smoke in your country ?" inquired Bill, 
 innocently. 
 
 " Wot you call zat shmokel You have kill me dead 
 one, two, tree times, wis zis dam pah! I .sal be 
 accomrnodait bettair, sair I sal comeplain" - 
 
 " Hadn t you better go to a hotel, sir ?" 
 
 "Hottel! Wot you call zem hot- el, eh? begair, 
 sair, you find one hot W/^wis no shmoke in him, some 
 fine day ! Sacre ! I sal move out ! by dam !" 
 
 With this, the poor fellow commenced dressing and 
 packing his duds and we soon afterwards had the satis 
 faction of seeing him making his way down stairs, nearer 
 dead than alive most vociferously cursing zem dam 
 Yankee shote-seex! He obtained quarters at Holt s 
 house, near by, however, and we were satisfied ; having 
 literally smoked the forbidding-looking biped out of our 
 premises. 
 
 Shortly after midnight, we had the pleasure of ridding 
 ourselves of the intruder ; and throwing up the sashes, 
 we aired the apartment as best we could the rousing 
 coal fire was extinguished the cylinder cooled off and 
 though we half-smothered ourselves in this adventure, 
 we were never afterward troubled with offensive stran 
 gers in < ROOM 24. 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
CROSSING THE ALLEGHANIES. 
 
 WHEN we crossed the Alleghany Mountains for the 
 first time, we secured an outside seat upon coach < No. 
 301, GOOD INTENT LINE. We are constitutionally fee 
 ble ; and constitutionally feeble folks shouldn t ride on the 
 inside, particularly when they set it down as a sure thing 
 that the coach is to be upset ! 
 
 The night was dark as Erebus, the caps of the ragged 
 hills loomed up in the distant fog, like so many huge, 
 grim ghosts en dishabille , the drivers generally were 
 cold and crusty, and stage succeeded stage till after 
 midnight, without the occurrence of anything to vary 
 the scene, save the snoring of the insiders, or the oc 
 casional breaking of the < drag-block. 
 
 We finally exchanged stages at Uniontown, where we 
 took a new driver, one of the veriest < Sammy Wellers 
 we ever met, a quiet, clever fellow half Yorkshireman, 
 half Cockney who inclined to make himself agreeable 
 to the gen lman as os on the JDOX. We passed him 
 our cigar-case, from which he drew a regalia, which he 
 lighted, and having placed it in a comfortable corner of 
 his countenance, he took up the ribbons and away we 
 went. 
 
 " Vest cap n ?" said Sam. 
 
 "Fur vest?" 
 
CROSSING THE ALLEGH ANTES. 157 
 
 To Cincinnati." 
 
 " Yees. Sensinater s kernsiderable but nothin to 
 brag on !" 
 
 "No!" 
 
 " No, Sir. York s my town it s the place is York." 
 
 " New York is a driving city." 
 
 " Drivin* ? Werry, sir, werry. I druv a cab better n 
 four year there, sir, and though I say it, as shouldn t 
 it were werry few as could beat my prad, sir." 
 
 " Have you been upon this road long?" 
 
 " Oh, bless yer, yees, sir. Come Christmas some 
 sixteen months, an more." 
 
 " And do you fancy this night-work ?" 
 
 "I doesn t mind the vork only fur the haxidents." 
 
 " The haxidents, sir." 
 
 "What accidents?" 
 
 " Lord bless your hinnercence, sir! Then you haven t 
 heard." 
 
 " Heard! why no - 1 - " 
 
 " O, they re werry plenty, sir! It s scarce a night 
 but sunthiri* happens. Hi, Sal ! That long-tailed oo- 
 man on the lead there, sir, s orful she is. She s apt 
 to shy, too, summut." 
 
 " Have a care, then, driver !" 
 
 " Oh, never fear, sir." 
 
 " What is that terrible gulph, yonder?" 
 
 "Ah that arn t nothin , sir. It s only the Shades." 
 
 "The Shades?" 
 
 " Yees, sir ve calls that ere the Shades o Death. 
 Take a look, sir?" 
 
 "Don t slop, driver go on." 
 
158 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Black Sal, sir, s werry steady, kinder, to night. 
 Nice old ooman she s gettin . Vy, do you know, sir, 
 the warmint almost oilers vants to stop, jest yere or yere- 
 abouts! She s a rum un, sir is Sal. I ve seen her 
 dance a werry hexcellent ornpipe, yere, sir. But she s 
 gettin old, sorter." 
 
 I have no taste for horses." 
 
 "Wot, sir not for Bosses ?" 
 
 " No driver no." 
 
 " Sal s an ugly cuss, she is werry. There, sir! . 
 it s jest edzackly as I said " 
 
 The team here came to a full stop at the crown of a 
 long hill, and < Sal commenced her gyrations now on 
 her haunches, now on her head, now up, or down, twist 
 ing and quirking and devilling, until she broke the off- 
 trace, and turning completely round in her harness, she 
 looked up at us or at the lights, as much as to say, < how 
 do you like that, stranger? 
 
 Matters were righted, however and when Sal got 
 ready to start, the pace she took down the hill was cer 
 tainly a caution to snails ! 
 
 " All safe" bawled the driver as we reached the 
 bottom " g af l> si 1 *? but I thought she d land us that 
 time she s done it twice." 
 
 " Done what, driver ?" 
 
 " Upset the waggin, sir!" 
 
 "How?" 
 
 Rolled em into the Shades, sir!" 
 " And they were, killed ?" 
 
 Couldn t say, sir righted up as best ve could and 
 put right through." 
 
 And left the passengers?" 
 
THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. 159 
 
 yees. Bless yer, how yer stare, sir! Ve drive tlie 
 mail line ve do you know, sir." 
 
 And the passengers get on afterwards " 
 
 " As best they can." 
 
 I shall stop at the next stage." 
 
 " Yes, sir yere ve are!" 
 
 " The agent must refund me my money. I ll not go 
 on " 
 
 11 Ve never refunds nutbin yere, sir ve don t Ve 
 
 knows about all kinds o fun s, cept refun ve does" 
 and dashing up to the door, we found ourselves safe, 
 so far ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. 
 
 A RAW specimen of the rawest kind of Yankee arrived 
 at the Franklin House, in Philadelphia, one day last 
 week, and having been shown to an apartment, he has 
 tily adjusted his outer man, and made his appearance 
 in the reception room, below. He walked up to the 
 office, an<l inquired of the attendant "whar he could find 
 A doctor: " The servant referred him to the clerk. 
 
 " Wai, nabur Whar ll I git a doctor?" 
 
 A physician ?" 
 
 " No- -a doctor." 
 
 " Be pardon, sir a surgeon you mean, 11 
 
 " No. I don t, nuther. I mean a teooth doctor.* 
 
 " Ah -a dentist. Yes," 
 
160 STRAY SUBJECTS 
 
 "Wai I do no wot you calls em, yere but we 
 calls em teooth doctors down our way." 
 
 " Your teeth trouble you, eh ?" 
 
 Blast it ! I reckon you d think so ef you had it. 
 Taint dun nuthin* but jump like blazes, fer more n teu 
 hours an I m gwoin to hev it aout, sure !" 
 
 The stranger was forthwith directed to the nearest 
 dentist. Arriving at the hotel door, he hailed a cab, 
 and gave him the doctor s address (which happened to 
 be in the next street beyond !) and having rode some 
 fifteen minutes^ he was backed up in front of the door ! 
 He jumped out paid his four levies jerked the bell- 
 pull and w r as ushered into the < drawing room. 
 
 During the operation upon a customer who preceded 
 him, he amused himself by staring at the pictures upon 
 the walls, or in handling over the instruments occasion 
 ally inquiring " what this was fer ?" or "what the man 
 did with that?" until his turn arrived, and the oper 
 ator requested him to be seated. 
 
 "Whar?" 
 
 * Here, sir if you please." 
 
 " I want a teooth pulled." 
 
 I understand, sir." 
 
 Wai s pose you deu." 
 
 "Be seated, sir please." 
 
 " Oh, yaas. There that s the feller, thar" continued 
 the Yankee and he made such a hole in his face, as 
 safely rendered it an < open countenance ! The opera 
 tor immediately adjusted his forceps, seized the molar, 
 and with a single wrench, placed the tooth upon the 
 table. 
 
 " Hil-low / Ow !" shouted the Yankee-^" wot n thui- 
 
THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. 161 
 
 der are yer deuiu ? Consarn you ! yer ve tore a feller s 
 jaw all leu smash ! 
 
 " Not so bad as that I hope" 
 
 " Wai it dooz feel better, fact 1 " 
 
 "I thought it would." 
 
 " By gracious ! though you did it slick !" 
 
 " I shall be happy to serve you again" added the 
 polite doctor ! 
 
 Wai I do no bout that. Wot s to pay ?" 
 
 One dollar." 
 
 "One what?" 
 
 "A dollar, sir." 
 
 " A dev 1 mean that is od fergive me for 
 
 swarm - but, Mister, ain t you mistak n ?" 
 
 "No, sir." 
 
 " 0, git aout ! you re jokin !" 
 
 "No, sir." 
 
 " Wai, now, luke yere stranger. You wusn t long 
 abaout it." 
 
 " I know it, sir" 
 
 " And a dollar for less n a minit s work ain t zackly 
 deuin s yeu d be dun by swan taint !" 
 
 " A dollar is my price, sir." 
 
 A dollar ! Thunder and brickbats! yeu don t mean 
 it!" 
 
 " I do, indeed, sir." 
 
 u \Val ef I must yere s yer money." 
 
 Thank you." 
 
 " I ve hed a teooth pulled afore." 
 
 " So I perceive all but the stump." 
 
 " And it tuk the doctor moreen an hour to deu it !" 
 
 "Possible?" 
 
162 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " He jes bed teu drag me raound the room, fore an 
 aft, twenty times and when he lost his < grip, he d take 
 a holt agin smarter n ever ! It wus the reel nat rail kind 
 o labour" 
 
 " Astonishing!" 
 
 " An he didn t charge me but twenty-Jive cents /" 
 
 " He was very reasonable." 
 
 " Wai, Mr. Dentiss I b lieve that s yure name 
 which way is it teu the Franklin House ?" 
 
 " Directly round the corner, sir." 
 
 Wharf 
 
 " Round the first corner." 
 
 " Devil it is ! Wy I gin a cab feller half-a-dollar lo 
 take me to the first doctor s and he rode me raound a 
 dozen streets, to git here!" and muttering a curse 
 upon toothaches, dentists, and cab-drivers he repaired 
 to the hotel, brought out his luggage himself, and trudg 
 ed to the Western cars declaring he would never stop 
 in l Feledelfy again until he had a bigger pile of tin 
 than he was blessed with on his first visit ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
SELLING " JONAS" AT THE TREMONT 
 HOUSE. 
 
 THE BROWNS and the SMITHS have much to answer 
 for, verily and it would need a heap of tears to blot 
 out the record of their short-comings! Brown alias 
 Smith, is not an every-day cognomen, but occasionally 
 it may be seen in print. 
 
 Who doesn t know friend WHITCOMB, of the Tremont 
 House, in Boston ? Far a-s extends the fame of this 
 popular and noted Hotel, so far is < JONAS known for 
 his gentlemanly character and uniform civility. But in 
 an unlucky moment, lately, despite the world- wide 
 reputation of our friend for his far-sightedness Jonas 
 was picked up ! 
 
 All the < Job Trotters are not dead yet ! On the last 
 Sunday in October, Jonas sat cosily enjoying his regalia 
 after dinner, when a smooth-faced individual, with a 
 clean ^ white neckerchief about his throat, entered the 
 1 office of the Tremont, in search of the proprietor, 
 Mr. Tucker, who happened to be absent from town. 
 Mr. Whitcomb was all attention, and with no more than 
 his customary blandness of manner, proffered his ser 
 vices, which the stranger promptly declined, and, with 
 a melancholy sigh, turned to depart. 
 
 " In Mr. Tucker s absence," said the obliging clerk, 
 " perhaps I might answer." 
 
 " No sir we are strangers." 
 
164 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 "If I might presume to inquire," gently urged 
 Jonas 
 
 "No no! Mr. Tucker knows me, but never 
 mind," continued the stranger, and a bandanna passed 
 over his handsome countenance, as another deep-drawn 
 sigh escaped him! 
 
 This was too much for the big heart of the gentle 
 manly book-keeper, who again urged the stranger to 
 disclose his melancholy business. 
 
 " Well, sir, if I must expose my troubles, I know ot 
 no one more worthy of my confidence than Mr. Whit- 
 cornb. I believe this is Mr. Whitcomb ?" 
 
 " At your service, sir." 
 
 " Of whom I have so often heard my good friend Mr. 
 Tucker, remark, he is my right hand, sir, that Whit- 
 comb ! " 
 
 " What can I do for you, my dear sir?" continued 
 Jonas, who was very deeply moved by this friendly 
 allusion. 
 
 " Oh, nothing that is, a trifle, sir, a mere trifle just 
 now." 
 
 " I have lost" and big tears choked the sufferer s 
 utterance. " Oh, sir, it is dreadful ; but I have just 
 lost my poor, dear wife ! She expired last night I 
 cannot see my employer, to-day and a coffin must be 
 had. I shall never" 
 
 " Nay, my dear sir! give yourself no uneasiness. 
 How much will suffice?" asked Jonas, as he put one 
 hand into his pocket, and with the other wiped away a 
 brace of tears from his eyes almost as big as walnuts! 
 
 "Ten dollars will be ample, sir." 
 
 Here it is." 
 
BENEVOLENCE REVVAADED. 165 
 
 The stranger was about to press his hand, (though just 
 at this moment, he appeared for the first time to be in a 
 hurry !) but Mr. Whitcomb needed no thanks. 
 
 "No, sir no. Go and bury your wife; it s all 
 right, sir, don t say a word," and the stranger departed 
 with the X. 
 
 An hour afterwards, Jonas conversed with some 
 friends and suddenly < smelt a rat! He had been 
 sold by Billy Southack alias Smith, alias Brown 
 for a ten-spot ! 
 
 " You may laugh, gentlemen," observes Mr. Whit- 
 comb, soberly, as the joke is repeated in the house 
 "but I tell you, it was cheap, at the price, experience 
 costs something, gentlemen. Mr. Brown, or Mr. Smith, 
 or Mr. Whoever-he-is, is welcome to the money ; it was 
 worth a ten-spot to see the cuss weep /" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 BENEVOLENCE REWARDED. 
 
 THE above title figures very conspicuously in children s 
 picture-rbooks and playbills, being, in the former, the 
 infallible precursor of a tale wherein some generous 
 juvenile who has given away his pocket-money to a 
 blind beggar receives a great deal more money than he 
 gave away, as well as a Noah s ark and a peg-top from 
 some delighted grandfather or doting aunt. And on 
 the stage, whenever the hero, on being appealed to by a 
 very tight-waisted sailor with a very small bundle who 
 comes to him with a woful tale of shipwreck, places a 
 14 
 
166 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 purse in his hands, and drawing the back of his right 
 hand across his eyes, says, in a tone of plaintive hoarse 
 ness, "there that is the fruit of a life s hard labour, 
 reserved to buy yon cottage, where I live ; but take it ; 
 it is yours;" and when the sailor, after asserting that he 
 can never take the last plank from a drowning man, 
 refers to his organs of vision, and says something about 
 his < pumps being set a going, winding up with a little 
 profanity, supposed to indicate his heart s being in the 
 right place : then, we say, instead of the sailor s prov 
 ing an impostor and the charitable hero s ruining him 
 self for nothing, either the sailor turns out to be an 
 admiral and an uncle, with a red face, knee-buckles, 
 and plenty -of shot in the locker, who puts his long- 
 unseen nephew to the test preparatory to making his 
 fortune, or else some other incredible thing happens by 
 which c benevolence is { rewarded, and the curtain falls 
 on three or four people who express their felicity by 
 bowing in a very stately manner with their hands to their 
 hearts. All this is very well for picture-books and 
 play-houses, and young ladies in particular may shed 
 tears over it and think it < sweet pretty ; but in actual 
 life, though generosity is its own reward, we don t think 
 that fortune too frequently favours the benevolent. By 
 way of illustration we will relate the following fact. 
 
 Two or three years ago, on the eve of Thanksgiving, a 
 very worthy mechanic purchased a lot of turkeys of a 
 countryman who lived at a great distance and was in a great 
 hurry to get home, at a very moderate price. He might 
 have realized a very handsome profit on the bargain, but 
 being a very good-hearted fellow, he thought he would 
 dispose of thf?m to his shopmates at the same price he 
 
BENEVOLENCE REWJKRUED. 167 
 
 had paid himself, viz : about seven cents a pound. One 
 would have thought that this course would have earned 
 grateful thanks and civilities at least. Not so the pur 
 chasers of the turkeys being a mischievous set and very 
 fond of a good joke, especially at other people s expense, 
 laid their heads together, and the result was a cruel trick 
 upon their benevolent friend. 
 
 On the morning after the latter had sold all his turkeys, 
 one of the purchasers sought him out with a small par 
 cel in his hand. 
 
 " Come, now, Mr. Sawpht," said he ; " you re a deep- 
 one ain t ye ? I thought them turkeys was amazin 
 cheap seven cents but if turkey s cheap at seven 
 cents, granite screenings ain t, by a long chalk !" 
 
 Granite screenings /" 
 
 "Yes granite screenings! You needn t look so 
 mild and honest. You can t come it over this individual. 
 Look a here confound your painted picture." 
 
 So saying, and with well-simulated wrath, the spokes 
 man opened his bundle and produced a lot of heavy 
 stones. 
 
 " There," said he ; " all them ere came out of that 
 ere turkey which I bought of you last night, you miser 
 able sinner. Ain t you shamed for to come for to go 
 for to play offsich a trick on a shopmate ?" 
 
 "My dear fellow," said Mr. Sawpht, aghast; " I 
 didn t know anything bout the stones." 
 
 " Wai ; you believe your eyes, don t ye ?" 
 
 " Of course of course and I ll heft the stones and 
 deduct I ll make it all square right off. But," 
 added the mild Mr. Sawpht, kindling into unwonted pas 
 sion, u ef I could only come across that ere VermomVr 
 
168 &RAY 
 
 SUBJECTS. 
 
 which I was took in by, if I wouldn t spile his picter, 
 bust my boots and gallowses !" 
 
 " Hellow ! Sawpht !" sung out half-a-dozen voices 
 altogether ; You re a nice man, I don t think" " Pa- 
 vin stones has riz, hasn t they ?" Ever heered of 
 feedin turkeys onto rocks ?" c., &c. 
 
 And half-a-dozen turkeys, containing many geologi 
 cal specimens, were thrust into the very face and eyes 
 of our benevolent friend. 
 
 "Gentlemen! gentlemen!" roared Mr. Sawpht 
 "" spar me spar my feelin s. Jest hear me, and then 
 strike me, if you can, as Themistocles very mildly ob 
 served to Richard the Third at the Battle of Bunker 
 Hill. I m willin to make restitution ! Ef / was took 
 in, you shan t be no how. I move that we adjourn to 
 Bill Stephen s grocery, whar I ll weigh the stones, and 
 refund the money." 
 
 The motion was carried by acclamation. They ad 
 journed to Bill s, and there our unfortunate friend com 
 menced weighing granite, enlivening his occupation, by 
 sundry invectives directed against the turkey- dealer. 
 " Tew pounds fourteen cents darn his ugly picter ! 
 and a half I hain t got no half cent, but take four. 
 Seven pounds! consarn his soul! Salvation! what a 
 rock that was! Two thirty-seven, sir! Enough to 
 build a meeting- us ! Ten pounds I m bust, by gravy !" 
 
 As ill luck would have it, on Thanksgiving evening, 
 the mild and benevolent Mr. Sawpht chanced, in a pub 
 lic thoroughfare, to encounter the turkey-dealer, whom 
 some unforeseen occurrence had detained in Boston. 
 Although a perfectly sober man, Mr. S. became instantly 
 intoxicated with passion. Not to amplify, the result 
 
"Oue of his eyes was in deep mourning, and his nose (none of the handsomest 
 by the way) was quite askew." Page 169. 
 
BENEVOLENCE REWARDED. 169 
 
 was an aggravated assault on the turkey-dealer, who, en 
 raged at being thus wantonly assailed and doubly out 
 raged in being charged with fraud, paid back with 
 interest the blows he took. After performing prodigies 
 of valour, Mr. Sawpht was captured by a couple of 
 the < moon s minions who chanced to be awake, and 
 passed the remainder of the night in the lock-up. Ten 
 hours of sleepless agony did not render his appearance 
 very prepossessing, as he stood up at the bar of the Po 
 lice Court the next morning, and Mr. Justice , who 
 
 always judged a man by his looks, not only fined him 
 five dollars and costs for the assault, but also assured 
 him that his entrance into the House of Correction was 
 probably not far distant. And one of the morning 
 papers, under its police head, gave the following < first- 
 rate notice of our friend: 
 
 "POLICE COURT. 
 
 " BEFORE JUDGE . 
 
 " Yesterday morning, an ill-looking fellow, calling him 
 self James Sawpht, evidently just recovered from a 
 Thanksgiving spree, was brought up, charged by a Mr. 
 Elphineas Horrikins of Vermont, with an unprovoked 
 assault upon him on the evening of the day previous. 
 The watchmen were witnesses of the affray and testified 
 strongly. We were glad to see that Mr. Horrikins 
 marked his man pretty thoroughly in the course of the 
 skirmish. One of his eyes was in deep mourning, and 
 his nose (none of the handsomest, by the way) was quite 
 askew. The fellow talked very incoherently about tur 
 keys, the result probably of one of those mental delu 
 sions to which the intemperate are so subject, as we 
 
170 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 could see no signs of any turkey beyond what the fel 
 low himself had on. His Honour lectured him very 
 severely on his habits and on his offence, and mildly re 
 marked that he should impose on him the heaviest 
 penalty which the law permitted, and he hoped sincerely 
 he would remember it until he was brought up again, 
 which he assured him would be shortly, for some yet 
 more heinous misdemeanour, when it would give him 
 great pleasure to save society from his dangerous con 
 tact, and to save him from himself, by assigning him a 
 six months residence in the House of Correction. The 
 hardened ruffian seemed to listen to these paternal ad 
 monitions with the most stoical indifference, but they 
 gave great satisfaction to the two watchmen ; and a 
 little boy who was awaiting trial in a case of aggravated 
 wooden-comb peddling, was melted to tears." 
 
 We shall not follow T Mr. Sawpht into the bosom of his 
 afflicted family, but lest any of our readers should think 
 too hardly of his fellow-craftsmen, we will add that the 
 conspirators in this case finally made up the amount of 
 Mr. Sawpht s fine, and in the course of a year restored 
 the amount of which they had defrauded him ; but to 
 this day he is wholly ignorant of their treachery, and 
 only wishes he " could have one more lick at that ere 
 turkey- dealer where there warn t no watchmen." 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
"DOING" A LANDLORD. 
 
 IN the course of a journey Westward some years ago 
 we chanced to be witness to the following specimen of 
 nonchalance which we set down as one of the coolest 
 pieces of genteel swindling we ever encountered. 
 
 A biped of the genus < sucker had been tarrying for 
 several days in one of the < crack hotels in York State, 
 and his only reply to the third weekly bill presented by 
 his obsequious and obliging host, was, that < he lacked 
 the needful! He had been lavish in his style of living, 
 and his bill for wines, cigars, and accompaniments, was 
 by no means an inconsiderable feature in the account. 
 The young gentleman was in his room with a trio of 
 boon companions, and ringing the bell, he ordered the 
 champagne and fixin s for four. The servant returned 
 from below with the information that the landlord de 
 clined to enlarge his indebtedness accompanied with a 
 hint that the old account should be first adjusted. He 
 immediately waited upon the landlord, remonstrated 
 with him touching the mortification attendant upon being 
 thus shown up before his friends the wine was sent up 
 the party frolicked, and finally separated, and the next 
 morning, after breakfast, the following scene occurred. 
 
 " Mr. " said the polite landlord I must 
 
 now insist upon the immediate adjustment of youi 
 account." 
 
 " Can t meet it, sir, to-day, really!" 
 
 "And why not, sir?" 
 
172 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Haven t the tin by me, sir." 
 
 " And you probably woii t have ?" 
 
 Probably not, sir, at present." 
 
 " When do you propose to settle it?" 
 
 " Couldn t say, sir, pon my honour. 
 
 "Have you the slightest idea of paying it at all ?* 
 
 " I confess, sir, the prospect is exceedingly dubious!" 
 
 "Your luggage" 
 
 "Is in my room, sir." 
 
 " I shall detain your trunks, then." 
 
 "Do if you please, sir!" 
 
 " The largest" 
 
 " Is filled with ivood, sir / 
 
 "With wood?" 
 
 " The best kind of Eastern wood." 
 
 " And the other" 
 
 " Contains the same article, sawed and split!" 
 
 " And your wardrobe" 
 
 "Is on my back, sir." 
 
 "Upon my word, you take it coolly." 
 
 " I always do, landlord. The world owes me a 
 Jiving, and I must have it." 
 
 " You are a scoundrel, sir." 
 
 "I know it. You, sir, are a gentleman, and I am 
 aware that I" 
 
 Our host stopped him bit his lips but a moment 
 afterward, turned to the bar and placed a bottle of wine 
 upon the side-table near by. Having filled a brace of 
 glasses, he handed one of them to the sucker, and the 
 liquor disappeared. He then presented him a vase filled 
 with c regalias. 
 
 " Take another" said the landlord, in the politest 
 
A LANDLORD. 173 
 
 possible manner "take half-a-dozen, sir, there -that 
 will do. The world may < owe you a living, 5 perhaps it 
 does. I think you will agree with me, however, that I 
 have paid my share of the account. I have in my day 
 seen a good deal of impudence, and my calling has 
 brought me in contact \vith a great variety of rascality ; 
 but I must say, without intending, however, to be too 
 personal in this matter, that, without exception, you are 
 the coolest specimen of a genuine scamp that it has ever 
 been my ill luck to meet with John !" 
 
 A burly servant answered this summons. 
 
 " John remove this fellow to the street and if you 
 value your situation, see that he doesn t return!" 
 
 The hint was enough our customer didn t wait for 
 further demonstrations but immediately decamped to 
 < do some other host, while his gentlemanly landlord 
 proceeded to examine those trunks, the contents of which, 
 as it turned out, had been faithfully described ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
HOW THE YANKEE MADE A QUARTER. 
 
 A LARGE-MOUTHED, raw-boned Yankee stood upon the 
 side of T Wharf, one day this fall when the Eastern 
 Steamboat lines were at the height of their competition, 
 and as he munched a hard-looking greening, he seemed 
 intently interested in the movements of the throng who 
 were rushing over the gang-plank, aboard the fine steam 
 er C , bound down East. 
 
 The steam was well up upon both boats, which lay 
 rolling, and backing, and filling, from the action of the 
 paddles, at the dock, but the steam was higher up on 
 the landing, among the < runners who were urging 
 customers to take passage each upon their favourite 
 craft. 
 
 " Oh, she ll bust her biler, this trip sure" remarked 
 one of the agents aloud, alluding to the opposition. 
 
 " Wai she hain t done it yit, old covey," said the 
 other " an yew can t say so much o yure tub, any 
 how. 
 
 " Ware s the bote as gives a quarter to carry folks ?" 
 inquired a woman in rusty weeds. 
 
 This way, mum." 
 
 Well there ain t no danger, you say" 
 
 " None in the world, mum," replied the agent as he 
 passed the woman aboard. 
 
 But I hevn t gut the quarter, yit." 
 
HOW THE YANKEE MADE A QUARTER. 175 
 
 Beg pardin, mum" and the accommodating run 
 ner slipped a quarter into her open hand. 
 
 " It s a good un, I spose ?" 
 
 " Ginewine, mum" 
 
 " Wai I hain t my spe tacles by me but ole people 
 is so likely teu be imposed upun." 
 
 " Thank ee, mum." 
 
 " An you say the boat s safe ?" 
 
 " I hevn t the soughest dight un it, mum" and the 
 lady disappeared along the passage, towards the cabin, 
 stooping very low to avoid a crack on the nob, as she 
 passed under the revolving paddle-crank which was at 
 least three feet above her height any how ! 
 
 " Afo /go aboa d Mister Wot s-yer-name" bawl 
 ed our Yankee friend, appearing at the gangway " I ll 
 take that quarter. Thank ee." 
 
 <* Pass along, sir." 
 
 " yaas, I ll pass along ; but thar s wun triflin 
 matter, old feller, as I d like to hev reg larly understood, 
 as tween you an I" 
 
 Wul, sir." 
 
 " Ef I compr end the contrac you taiks people daown 
 and back, and gives ern a quarter each way!" 
 
 "Very well" 
 
 " Yes. It s all very well, / know but perhaps yeu d 
 like ter git this child daown thar, n then let him git back 
 agin as may be greeable to the consarn, hereabouts." 
 
 "You can return at the reg lar price." 
 
 Thar needn t be no ewasion o the subjeck, Mister 
 Wot s-name. You ve paid me the wun quarter fer goin 
 but I duzzent purceed no furder, / duzzent, nless I m 
 skewered agin impersition !" 
 
176 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 *< Wat der you mean you chowder-head ?" 
 
 Wai, leave out the big words, cap n cos I reck n 
 you can t skeer this individooal, much. Thar s the 
 oppersishun a puffin and bloin , yunder n I kin go 
 rite strait in her, fthar s army dispute." 
 
 " Wull, it ll all be right, my good man." 
 
 " Wai I ve heern tell abaout that but I tell you I 
 want the other quarter, afo we start." 
 
 " Ml ashore* s again /" shouted the mate, at the side, 
 and a rush of spare steam burst from the pipe, as the 
 surplus crowd hurried ashore. 
 
 " od ha massy! Wot s bust?" cried the Yan 
 kee, as he joined the deserters. 
 
 *< Here! you blasted fool" bawled the agent. 
 
 * No yer don t, cap n I hain t but the wun quarter, 
 I tell yer n this child isn t tew be tuk in by no sich 
 frog-mouths as yew, no how" and suiting the action 
 to the word, he gained a foothold on the wharf just as 
 the plank was drawn aboard. 
 
 " I ll remember you, my fine fellow" shouted the 
 agent. 
 
 Dew, f you please, nabur," returned the Yankee, 
 and raising his voice to a higher pitch } as the steamer 
 rounded away, he added " And I say, Mister don t 
 fergit the other quarter, on the comin back !" 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
AN AMATEUR PRESIDENT. 
 
 AT the time President Polk was making his late tour 
 through the North, I chanced to get on board the steamer 
 at New York, which was bound for New Haven the 
 route selected by his Excellency, on his way to Boston. 
 
 Upon our arrival at the < City of Elms, a very large 
 concourse of people had assembled upon the wharf 
 where we were to land, while upon the opposite side of 
 the slip, a score of loafers from the c unwashed democra 
 cy had got together for the purpose of seeing a live 
 President. The boat rounded to at the dock, and the 
 Committee-men on board, who had the < lion in charge, 
 in their anxiety to satisfy the sovereign people that they 
 belonged to the show, did not observe the crowd who 
 were directly ahead of the boat, as she neared the wharf 
 and mistook the handful of democrats who stood 
 on the left, for the Reception Committee. 
 
 The President was passed up to the rail, where he 
 uncovered, bowed, and waved his hat but the bump 
 kins below took no notice of the gestures, save to gape 
 at each other, as if they would like to know what all 
 that exertion meant ! 
 
 While this was going on, a brace of wags w 7 ho had 
 observed the mistake, seized upon an acquaintance, and 
 passed him up to the other side of the boat, where the 
 real Committee were in waiting. He removed his cas 
 tor, politely bowed, and smiled and the Committee 
 
178 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 in turn raisecUheir beavers, bowed, scraped, looked amia 
 ble, and then proposed " three cheers for the President!" 
 
 A shout went up from the multitude, which startled 
 the Committee on board, who turned about and at once 
 discovered that they were on the wrong side of the boat ! 
 
 The President was immediately conducted to the 
 opposite side, and the wags retired but the thing was 
 up ! The Reception Committee had re-covered ; they 
 saw the < gentleman in black but it was no go ; and 
 with a glance at his Excellency and attendants, as much 
 as to say : " You can t come none of your nonsense over 
 us" they left the party looking over the side, and moved 
 towards the gang-way to embrace the earliest opportunity 
 to exhibit their allegiance to the supposed President, 
 when he should reappear below ! 
 
 Our friend, not dreaming of the extent to which his 
 joke had been carried, stepped upon the dock, when, at 
 the signal by the head Committee-man, (who " knew 
 Jimmy Polk, jes like a book!") another shout went up 
 for the President of the United States and the officious 
 gentlemen, hats in hand, insisted upon conducting the 
 wag and his companions to a carriage in waiting for 
 their illustrious guest and suite! 
 
 The innocent joker now mistaking the chief Committee- 
 man for a well-dressed hotel porter, coolly informed him 
 that he didn t want a hack, and would rather walk." 
 Meantime the clumsy attache had managed to get into 
 position again the President appeared the joke ran 
 through the crowd a laugh followed it " three times 
 three" for the President, followed that His Excellency 
 entered his carriage, and the stranger with his friends 
 disappeared amidst the roar of the multitude. 
 
 G. P. 13 
 
A MODEL OYSTER SHOP. 
 
 WE have a word to say about oysters ; and the popu 
 larity of the subject would excuse us, if we were twice 
 as tedious as we mean to be. Few people dislike this 
 luscious shell-fish. Aged men are not averse to oysters, 
 and < children cry for them just as they are supposed 
 to cry for Sherman s Lozenges. So exquisite is the de 
 lectation of the palate in the consumption of this fish, 
 that universal opinion seems to have settled as a primal 
 condition to its enjoyment, that oysters must be eaten in 
 secret ; that no noise and bustle, and garish worldly 
 display, no covetous, or even unsyrnpathizing eyes 
 should intrude upon the oys:er-eater. The true oyster- 
 eater is a modest man. There are beings, destitute of 
 delicacy or refinement, people who eat for the mere pur 
 pose of satisfying hunger, who eat oysters with as little 
 responsibility as they would clams or potatoes. Such 
 fellows can gorge themselves at a stall in the open street, 
 in the presence of a multitude, and wonder why men of 
 finer mould require deep alcoves and silken curtains, 
 and soft carpets, that give back no echo to the tread. 
 They would be lost at Florence s dismayed, perplexed. 
 
 It was our chance lately, when we had let our usual 
 dinner-hour slip by unheeded, to find ourselves in a re 
 mote quarter of the city, with a certain internal { remind 
 er, as Mr. Richard Swiveller said, of the wants of human 
 nature. Hard by rose a neat < ten-footer, with a gor 
 geous sign over the door, whereon was emblazoned the 
 
180 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 attractive and talismanic word < OYSTERS. Vari- us 
 little hints and professions were uttered by squares of 
 paper pasted in the window-panes such as < stewed, 
 < roasted, < fresh from the shell, &c. Being somewhat 
 hungry, we entered rapidly, and rashly ordered an oys 
 ter-stew upon the threshold. The proprietor of the 
 establishment, a thinnish man, with no hair or eyebrows, 
 and eyelashes of the colour of faded gingerbread, prepared 
 to comply with the demand, while we cast a hurried 
 glance around us. We saw that we had been entrapped. 
 The room was bare and dismal, with a sanded floor. 
 There was no alcove, no curtains, and but one table, a 
 little slab, rather than a table, covered with green oil 
 cloth ; and the stool beside it was so shrivelled up and 
 meagre, that it appeared to threaten impalement to any 
 one who should intrust it with his person. The oyster- 
 man relieved the tedium of preparation, by asking a 
 great many questions relative to his operation : demand 
 ing to know whether he had put in milk enough, if he 
 shouldn t add a leetle grain more butter, parenthetically 
 stating that butter had < riz, but generously adding that 
 the fact made no sort of odds ; and all as if we were 
 bound to act as cook, and superintend our own meal. 
 At length the oysters were placed before us, accompanied 
 by a dropsical greenish bottle, the inner sides of which 
 were covered with thick patches of tomato ketchup, that 
 clung like leeches to the glass ; a loaferish tin pepper 
 box, that had been in a good many hard fights, and got 
 its head knocked out of shape, so that standing with its 
 handle akimbo, and its perforated top flattened and 
 bent, it had the most rakish air imaginable ; and a small 
 plate containing some fossil remains of a petrified cab- 
 
- \\ ,._ 
 
 "He remarked : Oysters don t look numerous in a big bowl. " Page 181. 
 
A MODEL OYSTER SHOP. 181 
 
 bage stump steeped in cider, intended to represent cold 
 slaw. The oyster-man, after setting down the bowl, sat 
 himself down on a rickety chair hard by, and nodding 
 familiarly at us, said in a cheerful tone of encourage 
 ment, "Now, then, go to work!" Observing us to 
 grope hopelessly about for an oyster, the half-dozen that 
 were in the mess being so attenuated as to elude all the 
 scoops of the iron spoon, he remarked : " Oysters don t 
 look numerous in a big bowl." Apologizing for the 
 tenuity of one we finally succeeded in entrapping, he 
 added, that " cooking oysters allers srunk em up," and 
 had the hardihood to assert that the one in question was 
 " as big as his hand when it came out of the shell." 
 We swallowed his impertinence and his oysters, in dis 
 gust : and never was a ninepence more reluctantly paid, 
 or more inadequately deserved, than that we left upon 
 his counter. We shook the sand of that shop from our 
 feet, as we^emerged into the street, and we mentally 
 resolved to draw its likeness, as the antipodes of all it 
 ought to be, and to show it up as a warning to all men 
 who might be tempted to go into the oyster business, 
 without taste for their craft, or consciences for their 
 customers. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
THE GREAT WESTERN PIE-EATER. 
 
 AWAY down in Coony Hollow, you know where 
 C/oo-ny Hollow is it is the valley through which flows 
 the famous Salt River, so well known among politicians. 
 
 Well, away down in Coony Hollow, long time ago 
 there lived as worthy a landlord as ever put carver 
 into a mutton haunch liberal to a fault was he kind, 
 generous, hospitable ; but he was unfortunate in having 
 thrust upon him, in an evil hour, a < boarder, who had 
 well nigh devoured him of his substance. 
 
 He was a good-hearted man, was this landlord 
 obliging and friendly and for the world, he could not 
 personally offend any one ! His < boarder had a tape 
 worm, poor fellow ! he couldn t help it- but such an 
 EATER ! Well might he fix upon the West (where 
 provisions were plenty) for his abiding-place ! He w-as 
 known for fifty miles the country round, as the < great 
 pie-eater! 
 
 We stopped (a nice party of us) at this hotel, 
 where we observed the disgusting voracity of this man, 
 and heard the meek landlord remark, " It s orful, gentle 
 men, orful such gormandizing!" We proposed to 
 our worthy host a plan to rid him of the monster. 
 
 "No, gentlemen, it can t be done. Everybody is 
 acquainted with him ; he has eaten out the best half 
 of the town ; the rest know him. It s no use !" 
 
 " Leave that to me," said the most knowin un of 
 
 182 
 
THE GREAT WESTERN PIE- EATER. 183 
 
 the party ; and it was resolved that it should be < tried 
 on. In the event of failure to start the glutton, we 
 were to pay the expenses ; if our plan succeeded, the 
 landlord was to foot the bill, and stand treat. 7 
 
 It w T as Thanksgiving Day. A sumptuous dinner was 
 served, and the roast turkeys and accompaniments were 
 < numerous on the occasion. It was agreed that an 
 enormous pumpkin pie should be built, in a huge earth 
 en platter, and when the monster called for pie, it was 
 to be placed before him with a ladle ! His custom was 
 to devour three or four ordinary pies, after dining, every 
 day, and we believed this hint would drive the animal 
 out. 
 
 Seats for five at table opposite the proposed victim, 
 were turned down for our party, and everything passed 
 along just as we would have it. The pie-eater gorged 
 himself with sundry turkeys and fixin s, and called for 
 pie. The table was cleared for a considerable space in 
 front of him, and Edward, the waiter, placed before him 
 the platter (two feet in diameter), filled with pumpkin 
 and pastry. A large spoon was handed him his eyes 
 dilated his mouth watered his cheeks glowed but at 
 it he went, and to the utter astonishment of the crowd, 
 he bolted the entire contents, concluding by carefully 
 licking the spoon ! 
 
 Edward !" said he, as soon as he could get breath, 
 "bring me another pie, Edward!" and the servant 
 turned to the side-table, and handed our friend an ordi 
 nary pie. 
 
 " Oh, that ain t no manner o use," said the glutton ; 
 bring me another o the big uns /" 
 
 "All gone, sir " said Edward ; and as the boarder 
 
184 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 thrust the pie into his mouth with a sigh of disappoint 
 ment, the party left the dining-hall ! 
 
 The bill was paid, and shortly afterward we were on 
 our way down the river our known* friend s face 
 elongated full < a feet ! 
 
 I never see Thanksgiving Day, when I do not think 
 of that voracious PUMPKIN PIE-EATER ! 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 " SAWING" AN INSPECTOR. 
 
 IN one of our maritime ports of entry, a few years 
 back, on the accession of a new administration, a very 
 verdant youth from the interior presented himself at the 
 Custom House in Boston, and was duly sworn and pos 
 sessed of his commission as Inspector of the Customs 
 for the port of Boston, and was also duly impressed with 
 all the importance and gravity of his new duties. As 
 he seemed a very promising subject, a wag of a brother- 
 inspector, who had received an intimation that his services 
 would shortly be dispensed with by the Government, 
 and who was intrusted with the indoctrination of the 
 more fortunate individual, resolved to revive in his be 
 half all the < old saws time-honoured tradition had 
 handed down, and apply them to < this modern instance. 
 He first imparted some general instruction, and < put him 
 through the duties of attending to the discharge of one 
 or two foreign vessels. 
 
 At length the awful period arrived when the infant 
 Inspector, emancipated from his leading-strings, was to 
 
186 
 
 go alone. That the duties of his berth might gradually 
 dawn upon him, a vessel from Nova Scotia, laden with 
 plaster (a free article), was assigned to his charge, 
 and a < permit given him to land < 100 tons plaster 
 from the Bouncing Sally. He showed it to his tutor 
 with a smile. 
 
 "That s easy done," said he, " ain t it? Plaster s 
 free." 
 
 The old rat shook his head mournfully. " Not so 
 easy as you imagine it. Do you understand geometry ?" 
 
 Yes some I went through it to the academy 
 but that was a darned long while back," said the victim. 
 
 " Fourpence for the oath," said the Mentor sternly. 
 The coin was instantly paid, and found its way to the 
 pocket of the tormentor. " Now," continued he, 
 " you ve got to ascertain, by actual measurement, the 
 cubic contents of each piece of plaster in that what 
 description of a vessel is it ?" 
 
 It s a slupe /" 
 
 "Ah! a sloop; very good. You had better go to 
 work immediately." 
 
 The victim immediately hastened to the pier, and the 
 crew commenced discharging. A huge cube of plaster 
 was first landed on the wharf. This looked promising. 
 Our Euclid measured the sides and calculated the con 
 tents of the cube. But while thus engaged, another 
 and another piece of plaster tumbled out, all of the most 
 complicated figures. 
 
 Hold on, there !" yelled the victim " I ve got my 
 hands full for tu days. Them eternal rhomboids and 
 parallelepipeds are enough to drive a human bein ravin 
 raad. I know I can t du it, by gravy ! I never studied 
 
186 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 conic sections, and I m sure it s somewhere there, or 
 taint nowhere. Hold on !" he screamed, as the crew 
 continued to work, " or else t I ll report you right away, 
 and have ye took up and fined five hundred dollars 
 each! I kin do it, and I will do it, by gravy !" 
 
 With this resolution, he was rushing away to report 
 the ill-fated stupe, when he encountered his tormentor, 
 who offered to take the job off his hands, and get at the 
 amount by general average (!) by a process of his own 
 which he could not impart. 
 
 On another occasion, soon after, when in charge of 
 another vessel, the tormentor sauntered down to the 
 wharf to see how his victim got along with it, when he 
 observed that the steward was a coloured man. 
 
 "You ve got a nigger steward," observed he care 
 lessly. 
 
 "Wai, I know I hev what of it?" answered the 
 victim, rather tartly, for he was beginning to < feel his 
 oats. 
 
 "Oh! nothing only you must look out for him," 
 was the reply. 
 
 Oh! he hain t got nothin . I ve searched his bag 
 gage, and in fact the whole vessel. All s right he 
 hain t got nothin ." 
 
 " But his wool /" said the tormentor, in a low hoarse 
 whisper. 
 
 Well what of thatl" asked the victim, terribly 
 afraid of being convicted of some remissness in the dis 
 charge of his duty. 
 
 "It pays a duty of seven cents a pound." 
 
 * Wai I thought that ere come under the head of 
 < necessaries of life. " 
 
" SAWING" AN INSPECTOR. 187 
 
 " You are not aware that these niggers drive a great 
 trade of smuggling their wool ashore, are you ?" 
 
 " No, I wasn t," said the novice, turning deadly pale,, 
 
 " Did you never notice," continued the tormentor, 
 calmly, "that almost all these foreign blacks, a day or 
 two after arriving in port, have their heads tied up in 
 bandanna handkerchiefs ?" 
 
 The novice had noticed this fact, but had drawn no 
 inference important to the revenue department. 
 
 " They watch a chance, when the Inspector s back 
 is turned, to whip up to the barber s and have their heads 
 shaved. The bandannas are afterwards used to conceal 
 the fraud upon the government. I may be deceived in 
 this man but he looks suspicious ; he looks to me like 
 a smuggler, and I advise you to watch him very closely. 
 There s no way of your getting at the quantity mathe-- 
 matically, is there ?" 
 
 " None as I knows of; but I ll consult the books to 
 night." 
 
 " I don t think you ll find it there," said the torment 
 or, as he sauntered away. 
 
 From that moment the steward was an object of intense 
 anxiety to the unfortunate novice. He never permitted 
 him out of his sight, and whenever he went ashore, he 
 was sure to dog his footsteps. When he had missed 
 sight of him for a few minutes, and he happened to come 
 back with his hat on, the novice would assail him with 
 
 " Pears to me that s an odd notion of yourn, wearing 
 a hat in the cabin sech a scaldin day as this. I wish 
 you would take it off it makes me nervous." 
 
 " Berry good, massa jess as you say ;" and the co 
 vering would be removed. All right. 
 
188 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Once, when the steward was taking a nap in his chair, 
 our Inspector stealthily approached him and began to 
 feel his head all over. 
 
 "Why, the critter s got more n a pound! Tain t 
 much for the government to lose but the principle s 
 everything. I should be a perjured raskil if I didn t 
 hold him to account for every ounce of it." 
 
 " Golly, massa! what you want !" shouted the African, 
 jumping out of his doze and his chair at the same time. 
 
 " Nothin 1 nothin jest you go to sleep agin. I m 
 a phrenologist that s all. The critter s guilty conscience 
 haunts him like a rattle-snake!" he added to himself. 
 
 One day matters came to a climax. The steward, 
 after passing his hands through his wool several times, 
 said with the greatest effrontery : 
 
 " Well, Massa Spectre, I bliebe I must leab you to 
 yourself for half a hour." 
 
 " Where are you going?" 
 
 "To de barber s, massa." 
 
 W T hatfor?" 
 
 " To hab my hair cut." 
 
 "No you don t, you rascal. That ere wool ain t en 
 tered yet" 
 
 " Not entered ! - Wat you mean, massa ? " 
 
 " Not paid for, you limb of Satan ! 
 
 " Paid for! Goramity gib um to me." 
 
 " Silence ! you infatuated Day and Martin ! Set 
 right down in that ere chair, and I ll do your bar- 
 berinV 
 
 The nigger sank speechless into the captain s arm 
 chair. In an instant ne was tied fast, hand and foot, 
 and the Inspector seized a case of razors from the cabin- 
 table. 
 
189 
 
 Murder! murder! you goin to cut a nigga s troat, 
 eh ?" 
 
 " I ll cut a nigger s head off, if he don t keep still," 
 was the stern reply. 
 
 In five minutes the skull of the unfortunate African 
 was as bare of wool as a cocoa-nut denuded of its hairy 
 bark. It was even grubbed up by the roots, for the 
 razor had been used for opening oysters and paring po 
 tatoes. 
 
 "Now take your bandanna, if you like," said the 
 green un. 
 
 Leaving the steward shrieking with pain and rage, the 
 official rushed to the custom-house in triumph with his 
 booty. But alas! he was received with roars of deri 
 sion. The next day he sent in his resignation, and 
 the department lost a valuable officer, whose only fault 
 was that he knew too much. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
MR. FAULTY S FIRST AND LAST CLUB 
 SUPPER. 
 
 MR. FRANCIS FAULTY had been < about some, and 
 Mr. Faulty was invited by his friend Mr. Flash, to a 
 Club supper, one night. 
 
 At early ten o clock, on the evening appointed, Messrs. 
 Flash and Faulty were formally ushered into the Club- 
 room, where were already collected together some score 
 of worthies, whose talents and ambition were fully equal 
 to those of Mr. Flash and Mr Cheatem, (the latter being 
 another < friend of the first-named gentleman.) 
 
 " Ah, gents" roared the former as they entered 
 11 just in time ; gentlemen, allow me to present my friend 
 Flash, and his friend, Mr. Faulty 
 
 Our hero looked uncommonly wise, and having made 
 a low bow, he seated himself modestly in a remote cor 
 ner of the room, and amused himself most unweariedly 
 for the next five minutes, in his endeavours to determine 
 satisfactorily whether, in such a situation as this, his hat 
 should rest upon his right or his left knee. 
 
 The strangers laughed outright, at length Frank 
 laughed louder than anybody else, the signal was given, 
 and the party repaired to the supper- room. As they 
 were about to sit down, Mr. Cheatem proposed that 
 officers be chosen to preside pro tempore. 
 
 Flash was duly elected President, and Faulty was 
 complimented with authority to < do the honours as 
 Vice. The company were at length seated, and the 
 second course disappeared as rapidly as the first. 
 
191 
 
 " Mr. Faulty" remarked the president " the 
 pleasure of a glass of wine with you." 
 
 " Sir, your most" replied the vice. 
 
 Frank thought it his turn shortly after, and according 
 ly reciprocated the compliment. 
 
 "Mr. Vice" said Cheatem " allow me the plea 
 sure." 
 
 "Most certainly" replied Frank "my respects." 
 
 The champagne circulated, and by the time he had 
 emptied his sixth goblet, Frank had got to be very vo 
 luble, and not very witty while Mr. Flash appeared 
 vice versa. 
 
 But the wine went round, and our hero, determined 
 that his neighbours shouldn t get ahead of him, continu 
 ed to see the bottom of his glass until it was a mat 
 ter of considerable doubt with him whether there were 
 any bottom to it, or whether there were not two glasses 
 before him instead of one ! 
 
 "A sentiment from the vice-president" shouted 
 Mr. Cheatem. 
 
 "Ay!" followed a dozen voices " Mr. Faulty s 
 toast a toast from Mr. Faulty." 
 
 " Fill, gentlemen, to the brim, for the sentiment of 
 the vice-president" said Flash. 
 
 " Ay, a bumper for the vice-president !" continued 
 Cheatem. 
 
 " Order," said the president and in the midst of a 
 ^breathless silence, Mr. Faulty attempted to rise. 
 
 << I ll give you" said Frank, clinging to the table, 
 to maintain his equilibrium " I ll give you Mr. Presi 
 dent and gen lemen a pair of sparklin black eyes * 
 
 " Bravo, bravo !" shouted the company. 
 
192 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Order!" cried the president. 
 
 " ma) they may they never ;" here Frank 
 
 took his seat again, amidst the deafening plaudits of the 
 whole table, and the vice-president s toast, < a pair of 
 sparkling black eyes may they never was drunk with 
 most enthusiastic approbation ! 
 
 Three cheers for the vice-president s toast!" shout 
 ed Cheatem. 
 
 "Hoora! Hoorah! Hoo-r-aw!" and then followed a 
 stamping, and shouting, and clapping, which might have 
 awakened the neighbourhood for half-a-mile round. 
 
 The president begged to be excused a moment. 
 
 If Frank saw double before he now began to see 
 triple, and what with his attempts at gratuitous singing 
 and speechifying, he managed to make himself appeal 
 exceedingly ridiculous. 
 
 In the temporary absence of the president, Mr. Cheat- 
 em proposed that the then existing vice be removed, 
 and that some other be chosen to represent that 
 office, as, from some cause or other, he was very evi 
 dently incapacitated for the duties. A third person, 
 who had taken a dislike to Frank at the outset, requested 
 Mr. Cheatem to waive his motion so far as to admit an 
 amendment. This worthy proposed, instead of remov 
 ing the present incumbent, to act upon the feasibility 
 of laying him under the table to w r hich Mr. Cheatem 
 kindly consented, and the motion was immediately sup 
 ported ! Frank rose with 
 
 * Gen lmen. In the absence of ic worthy 
 
 friend, Mr. Flash being president act upon ic ques 
 tion momentous his advice ic." 
 
 Question, question !" roared the company. 
 
MR. FAULTY s FIRST AND LAST CLUB SUPPER. 193 
 
 " Your vice-president, gen lemen- ic hie feels the 
 honour conferring on him. Un stan s the du ic 
 
 duties of his office dictation no part o the 
 
 j c >> 
 
 "Question, question, question!" 
 
 s very well, gen lemen. If it be your ic 
 
 minds s moved gen lemen and the prop-ic-er-sitiori 
 is s ported, that your respectable vice-president belaid 
 ic under the table for what reason od only knows, 
 ic. But f that be your mind s gentlemen, you ll 
 please to be so kind as to manifest it, by saying ay 
 fu please, J ic." 
 
 "Ay, ay!" shouted the company. 
 
 " S unanimous!" said Frank; and under the table 
 he went, muttering as he laid himself upon the floor, 
 " this i swat I call ic cum-fer-ta-ble !" 
 
 Flash returned to his post, after ordering a coach, a 
 new vice was chosen, and the company continued to 
 revel on in the most uproarious state possible for the next 
 hour. 
 
 Meantime, the brain of Faulty whirled round and 
 round, while a mingled chaos of black eyes, lemon 
 punch and broken glasses were revolving through his 
 mind. At length he fancied himself passing round 
 Point Judith in a thunder-storm after which, he was 
 much better, and fell asleep. 
 
 The party having drunk all the wine the landlord 
 thought fit to furnish them with, and having broken up 
 all the glasses upon the tables at three o clock in the 
 morning broke up themselves ; and the few who 
 chanced to keep out of the watch-house, retired to their 
 respective homes. 
 
194 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 Among the latter were our hero and his two compan 
 ions ; who, having gathered Frank up from beneath the 
 table, placed him with themselves in a carriage, and 
 drove at once to their lodgings. 
 
 G. P. B. 
 
 HOW HE SOLD EM. 
 
 A "WISE SAW" AND "MODERN INSTANCE." 
 
 WITH AN EXCELLENT MORAL. 
 
 THE events we are about to narrate, transpired several 
 years since, in a great commercial city, that boasted of a 
 noble custom house. A great political revolution had 
 just been consummated, and the guillotine was busy at 
 the public offices carrying out the noble republican prin 
 ciple of rotation in office, to the infinite satisfaction of 
 the new dynasty and the infinite dissatisfaction of its 
 opponents. Of course, it was impossible to please 
 everybody. As fast as a vacancy was created it was 
 filled, just as on a hard-fought battle-field the void 
 caused by the fall of a soldier is instantly filled up by a 
 comrade, and the column moves on the same as ever. 
 There were, however, considerably more than ninety- 
 nine in a hundred of disappointed office-seekers. Among 
 the fortunate was a very clever individual of Scotch ex 
 traction, whom we shall call McGregor, as a nom de 
 guerre, who, from his immense personal popularity, 
 secured, on the score of his appointment, a host of gra- 
 
HOW HE SOLD J EM. 195 
 
 tulations from his troops of friends. But the envy that 
 pursues all merit did not spare poor Mac. Among his 
 self-styled friends there was scarcely one who did not 
 wish him out of the way for the sake of having a vacancy 
 created. They used to watch his health with tireless 
 solicitude, and he could not sneeze or cough without 
 giving rise to a thousand hopes. He was incessantly 
 surrounded by a cluster of these friends, and he racked 
 his brains in his endeavour to find some method of get 
 ting rid of them. 
 
 At length one day he came upon a party of them 
 when he was looking much more poorly than usual. 
 
 " Hullo, Mac ! how are you ?" 
 
 " Not very well, thank you," coughed Mac in a 
 piteous key. " I never felt so slim in all my life." 
 
 "Poor fellow!" chorussed the entire circle "Hadn t 
 ought to be out." "Go to bed." "Send for a ho- 
 nuEopathist." " No no try the water cure" " sul 
 phur and molasses!" "steam," " calomel," " glass 
 of brandy!" "mint julep." 
 
 Mac smiled a wan sad smile, and shook his head. 
 He beckoned a friend a particular friend, his halved 
 heart, out of the group, and walked away with him. 
 
 " Topps," said he, " I m afraid I m going to make a 
 die of it. I m going to create a vacancy. 
 
 " Don t say so you shock me beyond expression!" 
 
 " It s a melancholy fact," said Mac. " Topps I ve 
 made my will it isn t a very long one for I ve had au 
 expensive family. I wish I could provide for them. 
 Now, Topps you stand the best chance of getting my 
 place you might do something for me." 
 
 " Anything in the world, dear Mac." 
 
196 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " Well then step up with me to the Life Insurance 
 office and advance me the money to pay for a policy 
 on five thousand dollars for five years. I ll leave a letter 
 recommending you to the head of our department 
 you ll be sure to get the place, Topps." 
 
 Topps gave in to the proposal, and Mac walked briskly 
 into the Insurance office. Even Topps was surprised at 
 the sudden change in his appearance. He didn t look 
 ill at all. 
 
 " What an actor you are, Mac!" said he. 
 
 The insurance effected, Mac felt easier, went home, 
 and took to his bed. There were a thousand inquiries 
 made daily at his house, and the intelligence received 
 was of the most encouraging character to the hopes of 
 the office-seekers. Topps lived in Elysium. One night, 
 learning that Mac was near his end, he benevolently 
 offered to watch with him. It w^ould have been an 
 interesting sight to have observed the movements of that 
 Topps in the sick chamber when he was left alone with 
 the sufferer how comfortably he established himself in 
 the easy chair how luxuriously he stretched his legs 
 upon a lounge how exquisitely voluptuous, in short, 
 was his whole appearance and arrangements. 
 
 " Topps," said the sick man in an expiring voice, 
 11 Heaven will reward you for your kindness to me. 
 When I m gone 
 
 " Don t talk of it, Mac." 
 
 " When I m gone see that they bury me decently. 
 The Odd Fellows will do their part but I want the 
 military out my old corps the Shot-Gun Invincibles 
 speak to the commander tell him I want a volley 
 over the grave." 
 
HOW HE SOLD EM. 197 
 
 It shall be done, dear Mac. But are you really 
 going?" 
 
 "I m going," said Mac, solemnly. 
 
 Shan t I call your wife ?" 
 
 No no poor woman she is worn out with 
 watching it would kill her. I may linger through the 
 night but these are perhaps the last words I shall ever 
 speak." 
 
 Topps looked at the sufferer he held a candle to his 
 lips the flame but slightly wavered. 
 
 "He s a goner!" he exclaimed exultingly, as he 
 threw himself into the arm-chair to muse upon his glo 
 rious prospects. 
 
 Topps !" squealed the invalid with difficulty " it s 
 twelve o clock the the soothing mixture." 
 
 "It s no go, old fellow," said Topps unfeelingly. 
 " Confound me ! if I stir from this chair this night, any 
 how. If you don t like it you may lump it." 
 
 A heavy sigh was the only answer. Topps fell asleep 
 and slept like a dozen of his namesakes. In the morn 
 ing, the sick man was still alive, but the family physician 
 had no hopes of him. Topps took leave, to prepare his 
 recommendations and papers, having first secured the 
 promised letter of his unfortunate friend, and made suie 
 of obtaining the office to be vacated. 
 
 The next day Topps and the other aspirants were as 
 sembled in high conclave, to compare notes, and specu 
 late on their chances. When Topps produced the 
 dying recommendation of his friend, a roar of dissatis 
 faction rose among the office-seekers. It was pro 
 nounced an underhanded affair, and a young man in 
 mixed pantaloons and mustaches said : 
 
198 STRAY SUBJECTS. 
 
 " No gentleman would be guilty of such a piece of 
 meanness." 
 
 Do you mean to apply that remark to me, sir?" in 
 quired Topps. 
 
 "There is no other individual in this room to whom it 
 does apply," replied the owner of the mustache. "And 
 [ most distinctly and emphatically assert, that you, 
 Bernard Topps, are no gentleman." 
 
 A blow from Topps was the rejoinder. Mustache 
 hit back. The betting was even. Spectators took sides ; 
 and a general row 7 was in progress, when the door opened 
 and in walked Mac ! 
 
 Good morning, gentlemen." 
 
 "Mac alive and out!" exclaimed a dozen voices. 
 
 " Pre-cise-ly," was the answer. " My foot is on my 
 native heath, and my name is Macgregor! Gentlemen, 
 for your kind solicitude about my health, I thank you. 
 Topps ! I could find it in my heart to kick you but for 
 that insurance policy. Boy ! if I should die to-morrow, 
 my family would thank you for being independent." 
 
 The united faces of the company would have reached 
 a mile. They bolted mizzled, flew, vamosed. All 
 except Topps he crawled away literally crawled ; 
 bent nearly double, with his coat tail hanging down 
 between his legs, like the caudal appendage of a casti 
 gated spaniel. We never could find out what be 
 came of him, and he is supposed to have been entirely 
 < used up. 
 
 As for McGregor, he flourished finely for three or 
 four years, but at the expiration of that time, w 7 as sud 
 denly taken ill of a typhus fever and died before his 
 policy of insurance had expired, however, so that his 
 
now in-: SOLD I:M. 199 
 
 family was left comfortably off. He had a grand fune 
 ral. The various societies of which he was a member, 
 arid who sincerely mourned the loss of an excellent man, 
 w : ere out on the melancholy occasion, with full ranks, 
 while the < Shot- Gun Invincibles numbered eighty-seven 
 pieces. Neither Topps nor his cronies w r ere among 
 the mourners. 
 
 F. A. D. 
 
 
 THE END. 
 

WITH ILLITSTRATKWS BY BARLEY. ffo\ 
 
 KleoaiJ Illuminated Cmvi tf. Published by 
 
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 MAJOR JONES S COURTSHIP. 
 
 DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 
 
 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. DEER STALKERS. 
 
 MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER. 
 
 MAJOR JONES S SKETCHES OF TRAVEL. 
 
 YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS. 
 
 STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE. 
 
 QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY. 
 
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 WESTERN SCENES, OR LIFE ON THE PRAIRIE 
 
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 ADVENTURES OF PERCIYAL MAYBERRY. 
 
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 MY SHOOTING BOX. 
 
 MAJOR JONES S CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE.! 
 STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER. 
 
 ADVENTURES OF FUDGE FUMBLE. 
 
 ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN, FARRAGO. 
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 MAJOR O RECAN S ADVENTURES. 
 PETER PLODDY. FOLLOWING THE DRUM. 
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GENERAL LIBRARY -U.C, BERKELEY 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY