The Water Goats and Other Troubles 
 
BY THE SAME AUTHOR 
 
 * 
 
 Pigs Is Pigs 
 
 The Great American Pie Company 
 
 Mike Flannery On Duty and Off 
 
 The Thin Santa Claus 
 
 That Pup, Kilo, etc. 
 
They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake 
 
THE WATER GOATS 
 
 AND OTHER TROUBLES 
 
 BY 
 ELLIS PARKER BUTLER 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
 
 HARRISON CADY, GUSTAVDS C. WIDNEY AND 
 IRMA DEREMEAUX 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 
 MCMX 
 
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION 
 INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN 
 
 COPYRIGHT, ig 10, BY THE BURR PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 COPYRIGHT, IQOg, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY THE RIDGWAY COMPANY 
 
 COPYRIGHT, I9IO, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 
 PUBLISHED, JUNE, IQIO 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 I. THE WATER GOATS 1 
 
 II. MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS ... 45 
 III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR , . 85 
 
 395363 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 They anchored the water goats -firmly 
 
 in the lake .... Frontispiece 
 
 Facing page 
 
 A patent nursing bottle, half full of 
 
 milk 48 
 
 " I am a respectable married lady, leav 
 ing the building with her husband. 
 Unhand me!" .... 60 
 
 She had a hereditary instinct for bring 
 ing the silver to the bedroom . . 92 
 
THE WATER GOATS 
 
THE WATER GOATS 
 
 "And then," said the landscape gardener, 
 combing his silky, pointed beard gently 
 with his long, artistic fingers, "in the 
 lake you might have a couple of gondolas. 
 Two would be sufficient for a lake of this 
 size; amply sufficient. Yes," he said firmly, 
 "I would certainly advise gondolas. They 
 look well, and the children like to ride on 
 them. And so do the adults. I would have 
 two gondolas in the lake." 
 
 Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meet 
 ing as a committee of the whole to receive the 
 report of the landscape gardener and his plan- 
 for the new public park, nodded their heads 
 sagely. 
 
 % *Sure!" said Mayor Dugan. "We want 
 two of thim of thim gon thim gon " 
 
4 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 "Gondolas," said the landscape gardener. 
 
 "Sure!" said Mayor Dugan, "we want 
 two of thim. Remimber th gondolas, Toole." 
 
 "I have thim fast in me mind," said Toole. 
 "I will not let thim git away, Dugan." 
 
 The landscape gardener stood a minute in 
 deep thought, looking at the ceiling. 
 
 "Yes, that is all!" he said. "My report, 
 and the plan, and what I have mentioned, will 
 be all you need." 
 
 Then he shook hands with the mayor and 
 with all the city councilmen and left Jeffer- 
 sonville forever, going back to New York 
 where landscape gardeners grow, and the 
 doors were opened and the committee of the 
 whole became once more the regular meeting 
 of the City Council. 
 
 The appropriation for the new park was 
 rushed through in twenty minutes, passing the 
 second and third readings by the reading of 
 the title under a suspension of the by-laws, 
 and being unanimously adopted. It was a 
 matter of life and death with Mayor Dugan 
 
THE WATER GOATS 5 
 
 and his ring. Jeffersonville was getting tired 
 of the joyful grafters, and murmurs of dis 
 content were concentrating into threats of a 
 reform party to turn the cheerful rascals out. 
 The new park was to be a sop thrown to the 
 populace something to make the city proud 
 of itself and grateful to its mayor and council. 
 It was more than a pet scheme of Mayor 
 Dugan, it was a lifeboat for the ring. In half 
 an hour the committees had been appointed, 
 and the mayor turned to the regular business. 
 Then from his seat at the left of the last row 
 little Alderman Toole arose. 
 
 "Misther Mayor," he said, "how about 
 thim thim don thim don " 
 
 "Golas!" whispered Alderman Grevemeyer 
 hoarsely, "dongolas." 
 
 "How about thim dongolas, Misther 
 Mayor?" asked Alderman Toole. 
 
 "Sure!" said the mayor. "Will anny- 
 one move that we git two dongolas t put in 
 th lake for th kids t ride on? Will anny- 
 one move that Alderman Toole be a com- 
 
6 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 mittee of wan t git two dongolas t put in 
 th lake?" 
 
 "I make dot motions," said Alderman 
 Grevemeyer, half raising his great bulk from 
 his seat and sinking back with a grunt. 
 
 "Sicond th motion," said Alderman Toole. 
 
 "Moved and siconded," said the mayor, 
 "that Alderman Toole be a committee t 
 buy two dongolas t put in th lake for th 
 kids t ride on. Ye have heard th motion." 
 
 The motion was unanimously carried. That 
 was the kind of City Council Mayor Dugan 
 had chosen. 
 
 When little Alderman Toftle s 4Jropped into 
 Casey s saloon that night on his way home 
 he did not slip meekly to the far end of the 
 bar, as he usually did. For tljte^irst time in 
 his aldermanic career he had been put on a 
 committee where he would really have some 
 thing to do, and he felt the honour. He 
 boldly took a place between the big mayor 
 and Alderman Grevemeyer, and said: "One 
 of th same, Casey," with the air of a man 
 
THE WATER GOATS 7 
 
 who has matters of importance on his mind. 
 He felt that things were coming his way. 
 Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, 
 for he put his hand affectionately on Toole s 
 shoulder. 
 
 "Mike," said the mayor, "about thim don- 
 golas, now; have ye thought anny about where 
 ye would be gettin thim?" 
 
 "I have not," said Toole. "I was thihkin 
 twould be good t think it over a bit, Dugan. 
 Mebby twould be best t git thim at Chicagy." 
 He looked anxiously at the mayor s face, 
 hoping for some sign of approval or dis 
 approval, but the mayor s face was non 
 committal. But mebby it wouldn t," 
 
 concluded Toole. As a feeler he added: 
 
 / 
 
 Would ye jteu^antin me t have thim made 
 here, Dugan?" 
 
 The big mayor patted Toole on the shoul 
 der indulgently. 
 
 " Itfs up t you, Mike," he said. " Ye know 
 th way Dugan does things, an th way he 
 likes thim done. I trust thirn that I kin 
 
8 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 trust, an whin I put a man on committee I m 
 done wid th thing. Of coorse," he added, 
 putting his mouth close to Toole s ear, and 
 winking at Grevemeyer, "ye will see that 
 there is a rake-off for me an th byes." 
 
 "Sure!" said Toole. 
 
 The big mayor turned back to the bar and 
 took a drink from his glass. Grevemeyer 
 took a drink from his glass, also. So did 
 Toole, gravely. Dugan wiped his mouth on 
 the back of his hand and turned to Toole 
 again. 
 
 "Mike," he said, "what do ye think? 
 Mebby twould do as well t git a couple of 
 sicond-hand dongolas an have thim painted 
 up. If they was in purty good shape no wan 
 would know th difference, an, twould make 
 a bit more rake-off fer th byes, mebby." 
 
 "Th same word was on th ind o me 
 tongue, Dugan," said Toole, nodding his 
 head slowly. "I was considerin this very 
 minute where I could lay me hand on a 
 couple of purty good dongolas that has not 
 
 
THE WATER GOATS 9 
 
 been used much. Flannagan could paint 
 thim up fine!" 
 
 "Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings," 
 interposed Grevemeyer. 
 
 "Sure!" agreed the big mayor. He toyed 
 with his glass a moment. "Mike," he said 
 suddenly, "what th divil is a dongola, 
 anyhow?" 
 
 Mike Toole was just raising his glass to 
 his lips with the movements of one accus 
 tomed to hold conversation with the mayor. 
 His left hand rested on his hip, with his arm 
 akimbo, and his hat was tipped carelessly to 
 the back of his head. The hand raising his 
 glass stopped short where it was when he 
 heard the mayor s question. He frowned at 
 the glass scowled at it angrily. 
 
 "A dongola, Dugan" he said slowly, 
 and stopped. "A dongola" he repeated. 
 "A dongola did ye ask me what a dongola 
 might be, Dugan ?" 
 
 The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer 
 leaned forward to catch the answer. Casey, 
 
10 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alder 
 man Toole raised his glass to his lips and 
 filled his mouth with the liquor. Instantly 
 he dashed the glass furiously to the floor. 
 He jerked off his hat and cast it into a far 
 corner and pulled off his coat, throwing it 
 after his hat. He was climbing on to the 
 bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer 
 laid their hands on the little man and held 
 him tightly. The big mayor shook him once 
 and set him on the floor. 
 
 " Mike!" said the big mayor. " What s th 
 matter wid ye? W r hat are ye goin afther 
 Casey that way for ? Is it crazy ye are ? 
 Or have ye gone insane?" 
 
 "Knock-out drops!" shouted Toole, shak 
 ing his fist at Casey, who looked down at him 
 in astonishment. "Knock-out drops! I will 
 have th law on ye, Casey. I will have th 
 joint closed! I ll teach ye t be givin knock 
 out drops t th aldermin of th city!" 
 
 "Mike!" cried the big mayor, giving him 
 another vigorous shake. ^ " Shut up wid 
 
THE WATER GOATS 11 
 
 ye! Casey wouldn t be givin ye annything 
 that wasn t good for ye. Casey wouldn t be 
 givin ye knock-out drops." 
 
 "No?" whispered Mike angrily. "No? 
 Wouldn t he, Dugan? An what has he 
 done t me mimory, then, Dugan? What 
 has he put in th drink t rob me of me mim 
 ory? Wan minute ago I knew as well 
 anny other man what a dongola is like, an 
 now I have no mimory of anny dongolas at 
 all. Wan minute ago I could have told ye 
 th whole history of dongolas, from th time 
 of Adam up till now, an have drawed a pic 
 ture of wan that annywan could recognize 
 an now I wouldn t know wan if ye was t 
 show it t me! I was about t tell ye th whole 
 history of dongolas, Dugan; twas on th ind 
 of me tongue t give ye a talk on dongolas, 
 whin I took a drink. Ye saw me take a 
 drink, Grevemeyer?" 
 
 *Ya!" said Grevemeyer, nodding his head 
 solemnly. "You took such a drink!" 
 
 "Sure," said Toole, arranging his vest 
 
12 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 "Grevemeyer saw me take th drink an 5 
 now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. 
 If ye was t show me a chromo of wan I 
 wouldn t know was it a dongola or what. 
 I m ashamed of ye, Casey!" 
 
 "If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn t have 
 ought t have done it," said Dugan reprov 
 ingly. "Th mind of him might be ruined 
 intirely." 
 
 "Stop, Dugan!" said Toole hastily. "I 
 forgive him. Me mind will likely be all right 
 by mornin . Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on 
 th subjict of dongolas. I m timporarily out of 
 remimbrance what dongolas is. Tis odd 
 how thim knock-out drops works, Greve- 
 meyer." 
 
 "Ya!" said the alderman unsuspectingly, 
 "gifing such a forgetfulness on such easy 
 things as dongolas." 
 
 "Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, 
 Grevemeyer," said Toole quickly. 
 
 Grevemeyer looked at his glass thought 
 fully. His mind worked slowly always, but 
 
THE WATER GOATS 13 
 
 he saw that it would not do for him to have 
 knock-out drops so soon after Toole. 
 
 "Ach!" he exclaimed angrily. "You are 
 insulting to me mit such questions Toole. 
 So much will I tell you never ask Germans 
 what is dongolas. It is not for Germans to 
 talk aboudt such things. Ask Casey." 
 
 Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. 
 
 "Dongolas?" he repeated. "I have heard 
 th word, Grevemeyer. Wait a bit! Tis 
 something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, 
 now! Twas dongola shoes wan of me kids 
 had, last winter, an no good they were, too. 
 Dongolas is shoes, Grevemeyer laced shoes 
 dongolas is laced shoes." 
 
 The big mayor leaned his head far back 
 and laughed long and loud. He pounded on 
 the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on the 
 back. 
 
 "Laced shoes!" he cried, wiping his eyes, 
 and then he became suddenly serious. 
 
 Twould not be shoes, Casey," he said 
 gravely. "Thim dongolas was ricomminded 
 
14 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 by th landscape-gardener from New Yorrk. 
 Twould not be sinsible t ricommind us t 
 put a pair of laced shoes in th park lake fer 
 th kids t ride on." 
 
 Twould not seem so," said Toole, shak 
 ing his head wisely. "I wisht me mind was 
 like it always is. Tis a pity " 
 
 "Stop!" cried Casey. "I have it! Thim 
 was kid shoes. Thim dongolas was kid 
 shoes." 
 
 "So ye said, Casey," said Dugan. "For 
 th kid." 
 
 "No," said Casey, "o/th kid." 
 
 "Sure!" said Gravemeyer. "So it is 
 the shoes of the child." 
 
 "Right fer ye!" exclaimed Casey. "Th 
 kid shoes of th kid. Twas kid leather they 
 were made out of, Dugan. Th dongola is 
 some fancy kind of a goat. Like box-calf 
 is th skin of th calf of th box-cow. Th 
 dongola is some foreign kind of a goat, 
 Dugan." 
 
 "Ho, ho-o-o!" cried Toole, suddenly, 
 
THE WATER GOATS 15 
 
 knocking on his forehead with the knuckles 
 of his fist. The three men turned their eyes 
 upon him and stared. 
 
 "What ails ye now, Mike?" asked Dugan, 
 disgustedly. 
 
 "Ho-o-o!" he cried again, slapping him 
 self on the top of his head. "Me mind is 
 comin back t me, Dugan! Th effects 
 of th knock-out drops is wearin off! I 
 recall now that th dongola is some fancy 
 kind of a goat. Twill all come back t me 
 
 soon." 
 
 "Go along wid ye!" exclaimed Dugan. 
 "Would ye be puttin a goat in th lake for 
 th kids t ride on?" 
 
 "Sure!" said Toole enthusiastically. "Sure 
 I would, Dugan. Not th common goat I 
 wouldn t. But dongola goats I would. Have 
 ye heard of dongola water goats, Casey ? 
 Was thim dongola goat skin shoes war 
 ranted t be water-proof?" 
 
 Casey wrinkled his brow. 
 
 " Tis like they was, Toole," he said 
 
16 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 doubtfully. " Tis like they was warranted 
 t be, but they wasn t." 
 
 "Sure!" cried Toole joyously. " Tis 
 water-proof th skin of th dongola water 
 goats is, like th skin of th duck. An 
 swim? A duck isn t in it wid a water goat. 
 I remimber seein thim in ould Ireland 
 whin I was a bye, Dugan, swimmin in 
 th lake of Killarney. Ah, twas a purty 
 picture." 
 
 "I seem t remimber thim mesilf," he said. 
 "Not clear, but a bit." 
 
 "Sure ye do!" cried Toole. "Many s the 
 time I have rode across th lake on th back 
 of a dongola. Me own father, who was a 
 big man in th ould country, used t keep a 
 pair of thim for us childer. Twas himself 
 fetched thim from Donnegal, Dugan. Twas 
 from Donnegal they got th name of thim, an 
 twas th name ye give thim that misled me. 
 Donnegoras was what we called thim in th 
 ould country donnegoras from Donnegal. 
 I remimber th two of thim I had whin I was 
 
THE WATER GOATS 17 
 
 a kid, Dugan wan was a Nanny, an wan 
 was a Billy, an " 
 
 "Go on home, Mike," said Dugan. "Go 
 on home an sleep it off!" and the little alder 
 man from the Fourth Ward picked up his 
 hat and coat, and obeyed his orders. 
 
 Instituting a new public park and seeing 
 that in every purchase and every contract 
 there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, 
 and between this and the fight against the 
 rapidly increasing strength of the reform 
 party, Mayor Dugan had his hands more than 
 full. He had no time to think of dongolas, 
 and he did not want to think of them 
 Toole was the committee on dongolas, and it 
 was his duty to think of them, and to worry 
 about them, if any worry was necessary. But 
 Toole did not worry. He sat down and wrote 
 a letter to his cousin Dennis, official keeper 
 of the zoo in Idlewild Park at Franklin, 
 Iowa. 
 
 "Dear Dennis," he wrote. " Have you any 
 dongola goats in your menagery for I want two 
 
18 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 right away good strong ones answer right 
 away your affectionate cousin alderman 
 Michael Toole. 
 
 "Ps monny no object." 
 
 When Dennis Toole received this letter he 
 walked through his zoo and considered his 
 animals thoughtfully. The shop- worn brown 
 bear would not do to fill cousin Mike s order; 
 neither would the weather-worn red deer 
 nor the family of variegated tame rabbits. 
 The zoo of Idlewild Park at Franklin was 
 woefully short of dongola goats in fact, 
 to any but the most imaginative and easily 
 pleased child, it was lacking in nearly every 
 thing that makes a zoo a congress of the 
 world s most rare and thrilling creatures. 
 After all, the nearest thing to a goat \\^s a 
 goat, and goats were plenty in Franklin. 
 Dennis felt an irresistible longing to aid Mike 
 the longing that comes to any healthy man 
 when a request is accompanied by the legend 
 "Money no object." He wrote that even 
 ing to Mike. 
 
THE WATER GOATS 19 
 
 "Dear Mike, " he wrote. "I ve got two 
 yood strong dongola goats I can let you 
 iiave cheap. I m overstocked with don- 
 ?olas to-day. I want to get rid of two. 
 00 is getting too crowded with all kinds 
 3f animals and I don t need so many don 
 gola goats. I will sell you two for fifty 
 dollars. Apiece. What do you want them 
 r or ? Your affectionate cousin, Dennis Toole, 
 Zoo keeper. PS. Crates extra." 
 
 "Casey," said Mike to his friend the 
 saloon keeper when he received this com 
 munication, tis just as I told ye don- 
 
 las is goats. I have been corrispondin 
 with wan of th celibrated animal men re- 
 gardin th dongola water goat, an I have 
 me eye on two of thim this very minute. 
 But twill be ixpinsive, Casey, mighty ixpin- 
 sive. Th dongola water goat is a rare 
 birrd, ^asey. They have become extinct 
 in th lakes of Ireland, an what few of 
 thim is left in th worrld is held at out- 
 raj eous prices. In th letter I have from th 
 animal man, Casey, he wants two hundred 
 dollars apiece for each dongola water goat, 
 
20 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 an twill be no easy thing for him t git 
 thim." 
 
 "Hasn t he thim in his shop, Mike?" 
 asked Casey. 
 
 "He has not, Casey," said the little alder 
 man. "He has no place for thim. Cages he 
 has, an globes for goldfish, an birrd cages, 
 but th size of th shop 1 aves no room for an 
 aquarium, Casey. He has no tank for th 
 preservation of water goats. Hippopota 
 muses an alligators an crocodiles an don- 
 gola water goats an sea lions he does not 
 keep in stock, Casey, but sinds out an 
 catches thim whin ordered. He writes that 
 his agints has their eyes on two fine don- 
 golas, an he has tiligraphed thim t catch 
 thim." 
 
 " Are they near by, Mike?" asked Casey, 
 much interested. 
 
 "Naw," said Toole. " Twill be some 
 time till 1 git thim. Th last he heard of 
 thim they were swimmin in th Lake of 
 Geneva." 
 
THE WATER GOATS 21 
 
 "Is it far, th lake?" asked Casey. 
 
 "I disremimber how far," said Toole. 
 " Tis in Africa or Asia, or mebby tis in Con 
 stantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, 
 annyhow." 
 
 But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: 
 
 "Dear Dennis I will take them two 
 dongolas. Crate them good and solid. Do 
 not send them till I tell you. Send the bill 
 to me. Your affectionate cousin alderman 
 Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for two hun- x 
 dred dollars a piece. Business is business. 
 This is between us two. M. T." 
 
 A Keeper of the Water Goats bad been 
 selected with the utmost care, combining 
 in the choice practical politics with a sense 
 of fitness. Timothy Fagan was used to 
 animals for years he had driven a dump- 
 cart. He was used to children he had 
 ten or eleven of his own. And he controlled 
 several votes in the Fourth Ward. His ele 
 vation from the dump-cart of the street clean 
 ing department to the high office of Keeper 
 
22 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 of the Water Goats was one that Dugan 
 believed would give general satisfaction. 
 
 When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville 
 the two heavy crates were hauled to Alder 
 man Toole s back yard to await the opening 
 of the park, and there Mayor Dugan and 
 Goat Keeper Fagan came to inspect them. 
 Alderman Toole led the way to them with 
 pride, and Mayor Dugan s creased brow 
 almost uncreased as he bent down and 
 peered between the bars of the crates. They 
 were fine goats. Perhaps they looked some 
 what more dejected than a goat usually 
 looks more dirty and down at the heels than 
 a goat often looks but they were un-j 
 doubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary^ 
 Irish goats they might not have passed mus 
 ter with a careful buyer, but no doubt they 1 
 were excellent examples of the dongola. 
 
 "Ye have done good, Mike," said the 
 mayor. "Ye have done good! But ain t 
 they mebby a bit off their feed or some 
 thing?" 
 
 
THE WATER GOATS 23 
 
 "Off their feed!" said Toole. "An who 
 wouldn t be, poor things ? Mind ye, Dugan, 
 thim is not common goats thim is don- 
 golas an used to bein in th wather con- 
 continuous from mornin till night. Tis 
 sufferin for a swim they be, poor animals. 
 Wance let thim git in th lake an ye will see 
 th difference, Dugan. Twill make all th 
 difference in th worrld t thim. Tis dyin 
 for a swim they are." 
 
 6 ( Sure ! said the Keeper of the Water Goats. 
 
 "Ye have done good, Mike," said the 
 mayor again. "Thim dongolas will be a 
 big surprise for th people." 
 
 They were. They surprised the Keeper 
 of the Goats first of all. The day before 
 the park was to be opened to the public the 
 goats were taken to the park and turned over 
 to their official keeper. At eleven o clock 
 that morning Alderman Toole was leaning 
 against Casey s bar, confidentially pouring 
 into his ear the story of how the dongolas had 
 given their captors a world of trouble, swim- 
 
24 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 ming violently to the far reaches *bf Lake 
 Geneva and hiding among the bulrushes and 
 reeds, when the swinging door of the saloon 
 was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. 
 He was mad. He was very mad, but he was 
 a great deal wetter than mad. He looked as 
 if he had been soaked in water over night, 
 and not wrung out in the morning. 
 
 "Mike!" he whispered hoarsely, grasp 
 ing the little alderman by the arm. "I want 
 ye! I want ye down at th park." 
 
 A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. 
 He turned his face to Fagan and laid his hand 
 on his shoulder: 
 
 "Tim," he demanded, "has annything 
 happened t th dongolas?" 
 
 "Is annything happened t th dongolas!" 
 exclaimed Fagan sarcastically. "Is anny 
 thing wrong with thim water goats ? Oh, no, 
 Toole! Nawthin has gone wrong with thim! 
 Only they won t go into th wather, Mike! 
 Is annything gone wrong with thim, did ye 
 say? Nawthin ! They be in good health, 
 
THE WATER GOATS 25 
 
 but they are not crazy t be swimmin . Th 
 way they do not hanker t dash into th water 
 is marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!" 
 
 "Hist!" said Toole uneasily, glancing 
 around to see that no one but Casey was in 
 hearing. "Mebby ye have not started thim 
 right, Tim." 
 
 " Mebby not," said Fagan angrily. " Mebby 
 I do not know how t start th water goat, 
 Toole! Mebby there is one way unbe 
 knownst t me. If so, I have not tried it. But 
 th forty-sivin other ways I have tried, an 
 th goats will not swim. I have started 
 thim backwards an I have started thim 
 frontwards, an I have took thim in by th 
 horns an give thim lessons t swim, an they 
 will not swim! I have done me duty by 
 thim, Mike, an I have wrastled with thim, 
 an rolled in th lake with thim. Was it t 
 be swimmin teacher t water goats ye got 
 me this job for?" 
 
 "Hist!" said Toole again. "Not so loud, 
 Tim! Ye haven t told Dugan have ye ?" 
 
26 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 "I have not!" said Tim, with anger. "I 
 have not told annybody annything excipt 
 thim goats an what I told thim is not dacint 
 hearin . I have conversed with thim in strong 
 language, an it done no good. No swimmin 
 for thim ! Come on down an have a chat 
 with thim yersilf, Toole. Come on down 
 an argue with thim, an persuade thim with 
 th soft sound of yer voice t swim. Come 
 on down an git thim water goats used t th 
 water." 
 
 "Ye don t understand th water goat, 
 Tim," said Tooje in gentle reproof. "I will 
 show ye how t handle him," and he went out, 
 followed by the wet Keeper of the Water 
 Goats. 
 
 The two water goats stood at the side of 
 the lake, wet and mournful, tied to two strong 
 stakes. They looked weary and meek, for 
 they had had a hard morning, but as soon 
 as they saw Tim Fagan they brightened up. 
 They arose simultaneously on their hind 
 legs and their eyes glittered with deadly 
 
THE WATER GOATS 27 
 
 hatred. They strained at their ropes, and 
 then, suddenly, panic-stricken, they turned 
 and ran, bringing up at the ends of their ropes 
 with a shock that bent the stout stakes to 
 which they were fastened. They stood still 
 and cowered, trembling. 
 
 "Lay hold!" commanded Toole. "Lay 
 hold of a horn of th brute till I show ye how 
 t make him swim." 
 
 Through the fresh gravel of the beach the 
 four feet of the reluctant goat ploughed deep 
 furrows. It shook its head from side to side, 
 but Toole and Fagan held it fast, and into the 
 water it went." 
 
 "Now!" cried Alderman Toole. "Git 
 behind an push, Tim! Wan! Two! Three! 
 Push!" 
 
 Alderman Toole released his hold and 
 Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan pushed. 
 Then they tried the other goat. It was easier 
 to try the other water goat than to waste time 
 hunting up the one they had just tried, for it 
 had gone away. As soon as Alderman Toole 
 
28 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 let it go, it went. It seemed to want to get 
 to the other end of "the park as soon as pos 
 sible, but it did not take the short cut across 
 the lake it went around. But it did not 
 mind travel it went to the farthest part of 
 the park, and it would have gone farther if it 
 could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper 
 Fagan tried the other water goat. That one 
 went straight to the other end of the park. 
 It swerved from a straight line but once, and 
 that was when it shied at a pail of water that 
 was in the way. It did not seem to like 
 water. 
 
 In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just 
 removed the lid of his tin lunch-pail when the 
 telegraph boy handed him the yellow envel 
 ope. He turned it over and over, studying 
 its exterior, while the boy went to look at the 
 shop- worn brown bear. The zoo keeper 
 decided that there was no way to find out 
 what was inside of the envelope but to open 
 it. He was ready for the worst. He won 
 dered, unthinkingly, which one of his forty 
 
 
THE WATER GOATS 29 
 
 or more cousins was dead, and opened the 
 envelope. 
 
 "Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read, 
 "Dongolas won t swim. How do you make 
 them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael 
 Toole." 
 
 He laid the telegram across his knees and 
 looked at it as if it was some strange com 
 munication from another sphere. He pushed 
 his hat to one side of his head and scratched 
 the tuft of red hair thus bared. 
 
 "Dongolas won t swim!" he repeated 
 slowly. "An how do I make thim swim? I 
 wonder does Cousin Mike take th goat t 
 be a fish, or what? I wonder does he take 
 swimmin to be wan of th accomplishments 
 of th goat?" He shook his head in puzzle 
 ment, and frowned at the telegram. "Would 
 he be havin a goat regatta, I wonder, or was 
 he expectin th goat t be a web-footed ani 
 mal ? Won t swim! " he repeated angrily. 
 
 Won t swim ! An what is it to me if they 
 won t swim? Nayther would I swim if I 
 
30 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 was a goat. Tis none of me affair if they 
 will not swim. There was nawthin said 
 about swimmin goats. Goats I can give 
 him, an dongola goats I can give him, an 
 jumpin goats, an climbin goats, an walkin 
 goats, but tis not in me line t furnish sub 
 marine goats. No, nor goats t fly up in th 
 air! Would anny one," he said with exas 
 peration, " would anny one that got a plain 
 order for goats ixpict t have t furnish goats 
 that would hop up off th earth an make a 
 balloon ascension? Tis no fault of Dennis 
 Toole s thim goats won t swim. What will 
 Mike be telegraphin me nixt, I wonder ? 
 Dear Dennis: Th goats won t lay eggs. 
 How do ye make thim? Bye, have ye a 
 piece of paper t write an answer t me cousin 
 Mike on?" 
 
 The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alder 
 man Toole were sitting on a rustic bench look 
 ing sadly at the water goats when the Jefferson- 
 ville telegraph messenger brought them Dennis 
 Toole s answer. Alderman Toole grasped the 
 
THE WATER GOATS 31 
 
 4 
 
 envelope eagerly and tore it open, and Fagan 
 leaned over his shoulder as he read it: 
 
 "Michael Toole, Alderman, Jefferson ville," 
 they read. "Put them in the water and see 
 if they will swim. Dennis Toole." 
 
 "Put thim in th wather!" exclaimed 
 Alderman Toole angrily. "Why don t ye 
 put thim in th wather, Fagan? Why did 
 ye not think t put thim in th wather?" 
 He looked down at his soaking clothes, 
 and his anger increased. "Why have ye 
 been try in t make thim dongolas swim 
 on land, Fagan?" he asked sarcastically. 
 "Or have ye been throwin thim up in th 
 air t see thim swim? Why don t ye put 
 thim in th wather ? Why don t ye follow 
 th instructions of th expert dongola water 
 goat man an put thim in th wather if ye 
 want thim t swim?" 
 
 Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He 
 looked at the dripping goats. 
 
 "So I did, Mike," he said seriously. "We 
 both of us did." 
 
32 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 "An did we!" cried Alderman Toole in 
 mock surprise. "Is it possible we thought 
 t put thim in th wather whin we wanted 
 thim t swim? It was in me mind that we 
 tied thim to a tree an played ring-around-a- 
 rosy with thim t induce thim t swim! 
 Where s a pencil ? Where s a piece of paper ?" 
 he cried. 
 
 He jerked them from the hand of the 
 messenger boy. The afternoon was half 
 worn away. Every minute was precious. 
 He wrote hastily and handed the message to 
 the messenger boy. 
 
 "Fagan," he said, as the boy disappeared 
 down the path at a run, "raise up yer spirits 
 an come an give th water goats some more 
 instructions in th ginteel art of swimmin 
 in th wather." 
 
 Fagan sighed and arose. He walked to 
 ward the dejected water goats, and, taking 
 the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward 
 the lake. The goat was too weak to do more 
 than hold back feebly and bleat its dis 
 
THE WATER GOATS 33 
 
 approval of another bath. The more lessons 
 in swimming it received the less it seemed to 
 like to swim. It had developed a positive 
 hatred of swimming. 
 
 Dennis Toole received the second tele 
 gram with a savage grin. He had expected 
 it. He opened it with malicious slowness. 
 
 "Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read. 
 "Where do you think I put them to make 
 them swim? They won t swim in the lake. 
 It won t do no good to us for them to swim 
 on dry land. No fooling, now, how do you 
 make them dongolas swim? Answer quick. 
 Michael Toole." 
 
 He did not have to study out his reply, for 
 he had been considering it ever since he had 
 sent the other telegram. He took a blank 
 from the boy and wrote the answer. The 
 sun was setting when the Jeffersonville mes 
 senger delivered it to Alderman Toole. 
 
 "Mike Toole, Jeffersonville," it said. 
 "Quit fooling, yourself. Don t you know 
 young dongolas are always water-shy at first ? 
 
34 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 Tie them in the lake and let them soak, and 
 they will learn to swim fast enough. If I 
 didn t know any more about dongolas than 
 you do I would keep clear of them. Dennis 
 Toole." 
 
 "Listen to that now," said Alderman 
 Toole, a smile spreading over his face. "An 
 who ever said I knew annything about water 
 goats, anny how? Th natural history of 
 th water goat is not wan of the things usually 
 considered part of th iducation of th alder- 
 min from th Fourth Ward, Fagan, but tis 
 surprised I am that ye did not know th goat 
 is like th soup bean, an has t be soaked 
 before usin . Th Keeper of th Water Goat 
 should know th habits of th animal, Fagan. 
 Why did ye not put thim in to soak in th first 
 place? I am surprised at ye!" 
 
 "It escaped me mind," said Fagan. "I 
 was thinkin these was broke t swimmin an* 
 did not need t be soaked. I wonder how 
 long they should be soaked, Mike?" 
 
 " Twill do no harrm t soak thim over 
 
 
THE WATER GOATS 35 
 
 night, anny how," said Toole. "Over night 
 is th usual soak given t th soup-bean an 
 th salt mackerel, t say nawthin of th cod 
 fish an others of th water-goat family. Let 
 th water goats soak over night, Fagan, an 
 by mornin they will be ready t swim like a 
 trout. We will anchor thim in th lake, 
 Fagan an we will say nawthin t Dugan. 
 Twould be a blow t Dugan was he t learn 
 th dongolas provided fer th park was young 
 an wather-shy." 
 
 They anchored the water goats firmly in 
 the lake, and left them there to overcome 
 their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and 
 Toole left them, to be as great as ever. The 
 goats gazed sadly, and bleated longingly, 
 after the two men as they disappeared in the 
 dusk, and when the men had passed entirely 
 out of sight, the goats looked at each other 
 and complained bitterly. 
 
 Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his 
 wet clothes for dry ones before he went to 
 Casey s that evening, for he thought Dugan 
 
36 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 might be there, and he was. He was there 
 when Toole arrived, and his brow was black. 
 He had had a bad day of it. Everything had 
 gone wrong with him and his affairs. A large 
 lump of his adherents had sloughed off from 
 his party and had affiliated with his oppo 
 nents, and the evening opposition paper had 
 come out with a red-hot article condemning 
 the administration for reckless extravagance. 
 It had especially condemned Dugan for 
 burdening the city with new bonds to create 
 an unneeded park, and the whole thing had 
 ended with a screech of ironic laughter over 
 the so the editor called it fitting cap 
 stone of the whole business, the purchase 
 of two dongola goats at perfectly extravagant 
 prices. 
 
 "Mike," said the big mayor severely, when 
 the little alderman had offered his greetings, 
 "there is the divil an all t pay about thim 
 dongolas. Th News is full of thim. Twill 
 be th ind of us all if they do not pan out well. 
 Have ye tried thim in th water yet ?" 
 
THE WATER GOATS 37 
 
 "Sure!" exclaimed the little alderman with 
 a heartiness he did not feel. "What has me 
 an Fagan been doin all day but tryin thim? 
 Have no fear of th wather goats, Dugan." 
 
 "Do they swim well, Mike?" asked the 
 big mayor kindly, but with a weary heavi 
 ness he did not try to conceal. 
 
 "Swim!" exclaimed Toole. "Did ye say 
 swim, Dugan ? Swim is no name for th 
 way they rip thro the wather! Twas mar 
 vellous t see thim. Ah, thim dongolas is 
 wonderful animals! Do ye think we could 
 persuade thim t come out whin we wanted 
 t come home? Not thim, Dugan! Twas 
 all me an Fagan could do t pull thim out by 
 main force, an th minute we let go of thim, 
 back they wint into th wather. Twas piti 
 ful t hear th way they bleated t be let back 
 into th wather agin, Dugan, so we let thim 
 stay in for th night." 
 
 "Ye did not let thim loose in th lake, 
 Mike?" exclaimed the big mayor. Ye did 
 not let thim be so they could git away ?" 
 
38 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 "No," said Toole. "No! They ll not 
 git away, Dugan. We anchored thim fast." 
 
 "Ye done good, Mike," said the big 
 mayor. 
 
 The next morning Keeper of the Water 
 Goats Fagan was down sufficiently early to 
 drag the bodies of the goats out of the lake 
 long before even the first citizen was admitted 
 to the park. Alone, and hastily he hid them 
 in the little tool house, and locked the door 
 on them. Then he went to find Alderman 
 Toole. He found him in the mayor s office, 
 and beckoned him to one side. In hot, 
 quick accents he told him the untimely 
 fate of the dongola water goats, and the 
 mayor with an eye for everything on that 
 important day saw the red face of Alder 
 man Toole grow longer and redder; saw the 
 look of pain and horror that overspread it. 
 A chilling fear gripped his own heart. 
 
 "Mike," he said. "What s th matter 
 with th dongolas?" 
 
 It was Fagan who spoke, while the little 
 
THE WATER GOATS 39 
 
 alderman from the Fourth Ward stood bereft 
 of speech in this awful moment. 
 
 "Dugan," he said, "I have not had much 
 ixperience with th dongola wather goat, an 
 th ways an habits of thim is strange t me, 
 but if I was t say what I think, I would say 
 they was over-soaked." 
 
 " Over-soaked, Fagan?" said the mayor 
 crossly. "Talk sense, will ye?" 
 
 4 * Sure!" said Fagan. "An 5 over-soaked 
 is what I say. Thim water goats has all th 
 looks of bein soaked too long. I would not 
 say positive, Yer Honour, but that is th looks 
 of thim. If me own mother was t ask me I 
 | would say th same, Dugan. Soakin too 
 ,long done it, is what I would say." 
 
 "You are a fool, Fagan!" exclaimed the 
 [big mayor. 
 
 "Well," said Fagan mildly, "I have not 
 
 [ had much ixperience in soakin dongolas, 
 
 if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t 
 
 be an expert dongola soaker. I do not know 
 
 th rules t go by. Some may like thim soaked 
 
40 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 long an some may like thim soaked not so 
 long, but if I was to say, I would say thim 
 two dongolas at th park has been soaked 
 a dang sight too long. Th swim has been 
 soaked clean out of thim." 
 
 "Are they sick?" asked the big mayor. 
 "What is th matter with thim?" 
 
 "They do look sick," agreed Fagan, break 
 ing the bad news gently. "I should say they 
 look mighty sick, Dugan. If they looked 
 anny sicker, I would be afther lookin for a 
 place t bury thim in. An I am lookin for 
 th place now." 
 
 As the truth dawned on the mind of the 
 big mayor, he lost his firm look and sank 
 into a chair. This was the last brick pulled 
 from under his structure of hopes. His head 
 sank upon his breast and for many minutes he 
 was silent, while his aides stood abashed and ill 
 at ease. At last he raised his head and stared 
 at Toole, more in sorrow than in resentfulness. 
 
 "Mike," he said, "Mike Toole! What 
 in th worrld made ye soak thim dongolas?" 
 
THE WATER GOATS 41 
 
 "Dugan," pleaded Toole, laying his hand 
 on the big mayor s arm. "Dugan, old man, 
 don t look at me that way. There was naw- 
 thin else t do but soak thim dongolas. 
 Many s th time I have seen me old father 
 soakin th young dongolas t limber thim up 
 for swimmin . If iver ye have to do with 
 dongolas, Mike, he used t say t me, soak 
 thim well firrst. So I soaked thim, an tis 
 none of me fault, nor Pagan s either, that they 
 soaked full o wather. First-class dongolas 
 is wather-proof, as iveryone knows, Dugan, 
 an how was we t know thim two was not ? 
 How was me an Fagan t know their skins 
 would soak in wather like a pillow case? 
 Small blame to us, Dugan." 
 
 The big mayor took his head between his 
 hands and stared moodily at the floor. 
 
 "Go awn away!" he said after a while. 
 "Ye have done for me an th byes, Toole. 
 Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an all 
 of us. I want t be alone. It is all over with 
 us. Go awn away!" 
 
42 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats 
 stole silently from the room and out into the 
 street. Fagan was the first to speak. 
 
 "How was we t know thim dongolas would 
 soak in wather that way, Toole?" he said 
 defensively. "How was we t know they 
 was not th wather- proof kind of dongolas?" 
 
 The little alderman from the Fourth Ward 
 walked silently by the Keeper s side. His 
 head was downcast and his hands were clasped 
 beneath the tails of his coat. Suddenly he 
 looked Fagan full in the face. 
 
 " Twas our fault, Fagan," he said. " Twas 
 all our fault. If we didn t know thim don 
 golas was wather-proof we should have var- * 
 nished thim before we put thim in th lake t 
 soak. I don t blame you, Fagan, for ye did 
 not know anny better, but I blame mesilf . 
 For I call t mind now that me father always 
 varnished th dongolas before he soaked thim 
 overnight. Take no chances, Mike, 5 he 
 used t say t me, always varnish thim firrst. 
 Some of thim is rubbery an will not soak 
 
THE WATER GOATS 43 
 
 up wather, but some is spongy, an tis best 
 t varnish one an all of thim. 
 
 "Think of that now!" exclaimed Fagan 
 with admiration. "Sure, but this natural 
 history is a wonderful science, Toole! To 
 think that thim animals was th spongy- 
 hided dongola water goats of foreign lands, 
 an used t bein varnished before each an 
 every bath! An t me they looked no dif 
 ferent from th goats of me byehood! I was 
 never cut out for a goat keeper, Mike. An 
 me job on th dump-cart is gone, too. Twill 
 be hard times for Fagan." 
 
 " Twill be hard times for Toole, too," 
 said /the little alderman, and they walked on 
 without speaking until Fagan reached his 
 jgate. 
 
 " Well, anny how," he said with cheerful 
 philosophy, " tis better t be us than to be 
 .thim dongola water goats dead or alive. 
 Tis not too often I take a bath, Mike, but if 
 I was wan of thim spongy-hided dongolas an 
 had t be varnished each time I got in me 
 
44 THE WATER GOATS 
 
 bath tub, I would stop bathin for good an 
 all." 
 
 He looked toward the house. 
 
 "I ll not worry," he said. "Maggie will 
 be sad t hear th job is gone, but she would 
 have took it harder t know her Tim was 
 wastin his time varnishin th slab side of a 
 spongy goat." 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
II 
 
 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings 
 entered his home at Westcote very much later 
 than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief 
 in the night, he undressed and dropped into 
 bed. In two minutes he was asleep, and it 
 was no wonder, for by that time it was five 
 minutes after three in the morning, and Mr. 
 Billings s usual bedtime was ten o clock. 
 Even when he was delayed at his office he 
 made it an invariable rule to catch the nine 
 o clock train home. 
 
 When Mrs. Billings awoke the next or, 
 rather, that same morning, she gazed a 
 minute at the thin, innocent face of her 
 husband, and was in the satisfied frame of 
 mind that takes an unexpected train delay 
 as a legitimate excuse, when she happened to 
 
 47 
 
48 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 cast her eyes upon Mr. Billings s coat, which 
 was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed. 
 Protruding from one of the side pockets was 
 a patent nursing-bottle, half full of milk. 
 Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and 
 searching Mr. Billings s other pockets. To 
 her horror her search was fruitful. 
 
 In a vest pocket she found three false curls, 
 or puffs of hair, such as ladies are wearing 
 to-day to increase the abundance of their own, 
 and these curls were of a rich brownish red. 
 Finally, when she dived into his trousers 
 pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully 
 wrapped in a lady s handkerchief, with the 
 initials "T. M. C." embroidered in one corner. 
 
 All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her 
 upper bureau drawer and proceeded to dress. 
 When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he 
 yawned, stretched, and then, realizing that 
 getting-up time had arrived, hopped briskly 
 out of bed. 
 
 "You got in late last night," said Mrs. 
 Billings pleasantly. 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 49 
 
 If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe 
 and cower she was mistaken. He continued 
 to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he 
 had a clear conscience. 
 
 "Indeed I did, Mary," he said. "It was 
 three when I entered the house, for the clock 
 was just striking." 
 
 "Something must have delayed you," sug 
 gested Mrs. Billings. 
 
 "Otherwise, dear," said Mr. Billings, "I 
 should have been home much sooner." 
 
 "Probably," said Mrs. Billings, suddenly 
 assuming her most sarcastic tone, as she 
 reached into her bureau drawer and drew 
 out the patent nursing-bottle, "this had 
 something to do with your being delayed!" 
 
 Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, 
 and then he drew out his watch and looked at 
 that. 
 
 "My dear," he said, "you are right. It 
 did. But I now have just time to gulp down 
 my coffee and catch my train. To-night, 
 when I return from town, I will tell you the 
 
50 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle, 
 and how it happened to be in my pocket, and 
 in the mean time I beg you I most sincerely 
 beg you to feel no uneasiness." 
 
 With this he hurried out of the room, and 
 a few moments later his wife saw him running 
 for his train. 
 
 All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most 
 disturbing thoughts, and as soon as dinner 
 was finished that evening she led the way into 
 the library. 
 
 "Now, Rollin?" she said, and without 
 hesitation Mr. Billings began. 
 
 I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE 
 
 You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, 
 the coloured elevator boy in our office build 
 ing, and you know what a pleasant, accom 
 modating lad he is. He is the sort of boy 
 for whom one would gladly do a favour, for 
 he is always so willing to do favours for 
 others, but I was thinking nothing of this 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 51 
 
 when I stepped from my office at exactly five 
 o clock yesterday evening. I was thinking 
 of nothing but getting home to dinner as 
 soon as possible, and was just stepping into 
 the elevator when Lemuel laid his hand gently 
 on my arm. 
 
 "I beg yo pahdon, Mistah Billings," he 
 said politely, " but would yo do me a favour ?" 
 
 "Certainly, Lemuel," I said; "how much 
 can I lend you?" 
 
 " Tain t that, sah," he said. "I wish t 
 have a word or two in private with yo . 
 Would yo mind steppin back into yo office 
 until I git these folks out of th buildin , so s 
 I can speak to yo ?" 
 
 I knew I had still half an hour before my 
 six-two train, and I was not unwilling to do 
 Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office 
 as he desired, and waited there until he 
 appeared, which was not until he had taken 
 all the tenants down in his elevator. Then 
 he opened the door and came in. With him 
 was the young man I had often seen in the 
 
52 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 office next to mine, as I passed, and a young 
 woman on whom I had never set my eyes 
 before. No sooner had they opened the 
 door than the young man began to speak, 
 and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. 
 
 "Mr. Billings," said the young man, "you 
 may think it strange that I should come to you 
 in this way when you and I are hardly acquaint 
 ances, but I have often observed you passing 
 my door, and have noted your kind-looking 
 face, and the moment I found this trouble 
 upon me I instantly thought of you as the one 
 man who would be likely to help me out of my 
 difficulty." . . r i ,. ; -- 
 
 While he said this I Jiad time to study his 
 face, and also to glance at the young woman, 
 and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great 
 trouble. I also saw that the young woman 
 was pretty and modest and that she, also, was 
 in great distress. I at once agreed to help 
 him, provided I should not be made to miss 
 the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too 
 late for the six-two. 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 53 
 
 "Good!" he cried. "For several years 
 Madge who is this young lady and I 
 have been in love, and we wish to be married 
 this evening, but her father and my father are 
 waiting at the foot of the elevator at this 
 minute, and they have been waiting there all 
 day. There is no other way for us to leave 
 the building, for the foot of the stairs is also 
 the foot of the elevator, and, in fact, when I 
 last peeped, Madge s father was sitting on 
 the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen 
 minutes of six, and at six o clock they mean 
 to come up and tear Madge and me away, 
 and have us married." 
 
 "To "I began. 
 
 "To each other," said the young man with 
 emotion. 
 
 "But I thought that was what you wanted ? " 
 I exclaimed. 
 
 "Not at all! Not at all!" said the young 
 man, and the young woman added her voice 
 in protest, too. "I am the head of the Sta 
 tistical Department of the Society for the Ob- 
 
54 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 taining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, 
 and the work in that department has convinced 
 me beyond a doubt that forced marriages 
 always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thou 
 sand six hundred and four cases of forced 
 marriages that I have tabulated I have found 
 that eighty-seven thousand six hundred and 
 three have been unhappy. In the face of such 
 statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves 
 to be married against our wills. We insist 
 on marrying voluntarily." 
 
 " That could be easily arranged," I ventured 
 to say, "in view of the fact that both your 
 fathers wish you to be married." 
 
 "Not at all," said Madge, with more inde 
 pendence than I had thought her capable of; 
 "because my father and Henry s father are 
 gentlemen of the old school. I would not 
 say anything against either father, for in 
 ordinary affairs they are two most suave and 
 charming old gentlemen, but in this they hold to 
 the old-school idea that children should allow 
 their parents to select their life-partners, and 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 55 
 
 they insist that Henry and I allow ourselves 
 to be forced to marry each other. And that, 
 in spite of the statistics Henry has shown them. 
 Our whole happiness depends on our getting 
 out of this building before they can come up 
 and get us. That is why we appeal to you." 
 "If you still hesitate, after what Madge 
 has said," said Henry, pulling a large roll of 
 paper out of his pocket, "here are the statis 
 tics." 
 
 Very well," I said, "I will help you, if 
 II can do so and not miss the six-thirty train. 
 What is your plan?" 
 
 "It is very simple," said Henry. "Our 
 ? athers are both quite near-sighted, and as 
 ix o clock draws near they will naturally 
 jbecome greatly excited and nervous, and, 
 Lerefore, less observant of small things, 
 have brought with me some burnt cork with 
 r hich I will blacken my face, and I will 
 Lange clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one 
 Loment necessary to escape, my father will 
 lot recognize me. Lemuel, on the other 
 
56 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 hand, will whiten his face with some powder 
 that Madge has brought, and will wear my 
 clothes, and in the excitement my father will 
 seize him instead of me." 
 
 "Excellent," I said, "but what part do I 
 play in this?" 
 
 "This part," said Henry, "you will wear, 
 over your street clothes, a gown that Madge 
 has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she 
 has also brought, both of which her father 
 will easily recognize, while Madge will redden 
 her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, 
 calico dress, and with a scrub-rag and a 
 mop in her hands easily pass for a scrub 
 
 woman/ 
 
 "And then?" I asked. 
 
 "Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously 
 down the stairs, as if you were Madge and I 
 seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as 
 Lemuel and the scrub- woman, will go down 
 by the elevator. My father and Madge s 
 father will seize you and Lemuel " 
 
 "And I shall appear like a fool when they 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 57 
 
 discover I am a respectable business man 
 rigged up in woman s clothes," I said. 
 
 "Not at all," said Madge, "for Henry and I 
 have thought of that. You must play your 
 part until you see that Henry and I have es 
 caped from the elevator and have left the 
 building, and that is all. I have had the 
 forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As 
 soon as you see that Henry and I are safe 
 outside the building, you must become very 
 indignant, and insist that you are a respectable 
 married woman, and in proof you must hand 
 my father the contents of this package. He 
 will be convinced immediately and let you go, 
 and then Lemuel can run you up to your office 
 and you can take off my dress and hat and 
 catch the six-thirty train without trouble." 
 She then handed me a small parcel, which I 
 i slipped into my coat pocket. 
 
 When this had been agreed upon she and 
 
 i Henry left the office and I took the hat and 
 
 iress from the suit-case and put them on, while 
 
 i Lemuel put on Henry s suit and whitened his 
 
58 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 face. This took but a few minutes, and we 
 went into the hall and found Henry and 
 Madge already waiting for us. Henry was 
 blackened into a good likeness of Lemuel, 
 and Madge was quite a mussy scrub- woman. 
 They immediately entered the elevator and 
 began to descend slowly, while Lemuel and I 
 crept down the stairs. 
 
 Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible 
 opposite the elevator, so that we might arrive 
 at the foot of the stairs bt a moment before 
 Madge and Henry, and we could hear the two 
 fathers shuffling on the street floor, when 
 suddenly, as we reached the third floor, we 
 heard a whisper from Henry in the elevator. 
 The elevator had stuck fast between the third 
 and fourth floors. As with one mind, Lemuel 
 and I seated ourselves on a step and waited 
 until Henry should get the elevator run 
 ning again and could proceed to the street 
 floor. 
 
 For a while we could hear no noise but the 
 grating of metal on metal as Henry worked 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 59 
 
 with the starting lever of the elevator, and then 
 we heard the two voices of the fathers. 
 
 "It is a ruse," said one father. "They 
 are pretending the elevator is stuck, and wnen 
 we grow impatient and start up the stairs 
 they will come down with a rush and escape 
 
 us." 
 
 "But we are not so silly as that," said the 
 other father. " We will stay right here and 
 wait until they come down." 
 
 At that Lemuel ai^d I settled ourselves more 
 comfortably, for there was nothing else to do. 
 I cursed inwardly as I felt the minutes slip by 
 and knew that half-past six had come and gone, 
 but I was sure you would not like to have me 
 desert those two poor lovers who were fighting 
 :o ward off the statistics, so I sat still and 
 silent. So did Lemuel. 
 
 I do not know how long I sat there, for it 
 ;vas already dark in the narrow stairway, but 
 t must have been a long time. I drowsed off, 
 ind I was finally awakened by Lemuel tugging 
 it my sleeve, and I knew that Henry had 
 
60 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 managed to start the elevator again. Lemuel 
 and I hastened our steps, and just as the 
 elevator was coming into sight below the 
 second floor we were seen by the two fathers. 
 For an instant they hesitated, and then they 
 seized us. At the same time the elevator door 
 opened and Henry and Madge came out, 
 and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as 
 they went out of the door into the street. 
 
 As soon as I saw that they were safe I 
 feigned great indignation, and so did Lemuel. 
 
 "Unhand me, sir!" I cried. "Who do you! 
 think I am ? I am a respectable married lady, 
 leaving the building with her husband. Un 
 hand me!" 
 
 Instead of doing so, however, the fatherl 
 that had me by the arm drew me nearer to 
 the hall light. As he did so he stared closely 
 at my face. 
 
 "Morgan," he said to the other father, 
 "this is not my daughter. My daughter did 
 not have a moustache." 
 
 "Indeed, I am not your daughter," I said; 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 61 
 
 "I am a respectable married lady, and here is 
 the proof." 
 
 With that I reached for the package Madge 
 had given me, but it was in my coat-pocket, 
 underneath the dress I had on, and it was 
 only with great difficulty and by raising one 
 side of the skirt that I was able to get it. I 
 unwrapped it and showed it to the father that 
 had me by the arm. It was the patent nursing- 
 bottle. 
 
 When Mr. Billings had finished his relation 
 his wife sat for a moment in silence. Then 
 she said: 
 
 "And he let you go?" 
 
 "Yes, of course," said Mr. Billings; "he 
 could not hold me after such proof as that, and 
 Lemuel ran me up to my office, where I 
 changed my hat and took off the dress. I 
 knew it was late, and I did not know what 
 train I could catch, but I made haste, and, on 
 the way down in the elevator, I felt in my 
 pocket to see if I had my commutation ticket, 
 
(5* MK. mUJNUS S POCKETS 
 
 when my hand struck the patent nursing- bottle. 
 My tirst impulse was to drop it in the car, 
 but on second thought I decided to keep it, 
 for I knew that when you saw it and heard the 
 story you would understand perfectly why I 
 was detained last night." 
 
 "Yes:" said Mrs. Billings questioningly. 
 "But, my dear, all that does not account for 
 these." 
 
 As she said that she drew from her work- 
 basket the three auburn-red curls. 
 
 "Oh, those!" said Mr. Billings, after a 
 momentary hesitation. "I was about to tell 
 
 V 
 
 you about those." 
 
 "Do so!" said Mrs. Billings coldly. "I 
 am listening." 
 
 II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS 
 
 When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. 
 Billings) with the nursing-bottle in my pocket, 
 I had no thought but to get to the train as 
 soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 63 
 
 office that I had just time to catch the eleven- 
 nine if I should not be delayed. Therefore, 
 as soon as I was outside the building I started 
 to run, but when I reached the corner and 
 was just about to step on a passing street-car 
 a hand was laid on my arm, and I turned to 
 see who was seeking to detain me. It was 
 a woman in the most pitiable rags, and on 
 her arm she carried a baby so thin and pale 
 that I could scarcely believe it lived. 
 
 One glance at the child showed me that it 
 was on the verge of death by starvation, and 
 this was confirmed by the moans of the mother, 
 who begged me for humanity s sake to give 
 her money with which to provide food for 
 the child, even though I let her, herself, starve. 
 You know, my dear, you never allow me to 
 give money to street beggars, and I remem 
 bered this, but at the same time I remembered 
 the patent nursing-bottle I still carried in my 
 pocket. 
 
 Without hesitation I drew the patent nurs 
 ing-bottle from my pocket and told the mother 
 
64 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 to allow the infant to have a sufficient quantity 
 of milk it contained to sustain the child s life 
 until she could procure other alms or other 
 aid. With a cry of joy the mother took the 
 nursing-bottle and pressed it to the poor 
 baby s lips, and it was with great pleasure 
 I saw the rosy colour return to the child s 
 cheeks. The sadness of despair that had 
 shadowed the mother s face also fled, and I 
 could see that already she was looking on 
 life with a more optimistic view. 
 
 I verily believe the child could have absorbed 
 the entire contents of the bottle, but I had 
 impressed upon the mother that she was to 
 give the child only sufficient to sustain life, 
 not to suffice it until it was grown to manhood 
 or womanhood, and when the bottle was 
 half-emptied the mother returned it to me. 
 How much time all this occupied I do not 
 know, but the child took the milk with extreme 
 slowness. I may say that it took the milk 
 drop by drop. A great deal of time must 
 have elapsed. 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 65 
 
 But when the mother had returned the 
 patent nursing-bottle to me and saw how 
 impatient I was to be gone, she still retained 
 her hold upon my arm. 
 
 "Sir," she said, "you have undoubtedly 
 saved the life of my child, and I only regret 
 that I cannot repay you for all it means to me. 
 But I cannot. Sjtay!" she cried, when I was 
 about to pull my arm away. "Has your wife 
 auburn-red hair?" 
 
 "No," I said, "she has not. Her hair is 
 a most beautiful black." 
 
 "No matter," said the poor woman, putting 
 her hand to her head. "Some day she may 
 wish to change the colour of her hair to auburn- 
 ^red, which is easily done with a little bleach 
 and a little dye, and should she do so these 
 ioaay come handy;" and with that she slipped 
 something soft and fluffy into my hand and 
 3ed into the night. When I looked, I saw in 
 j.ny hand the very curls you hold there. My 
 :irst impulse was to drop them in the street, 
 3ut I remembered that the poor woman had 
 
66 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 not given them to me, but to you, and that it 
 was my duty to bring them home to you, so 
 I slipped them into my pocket. 
 
 When Mr. Billings had ended this recital 
 of what had happened to him his wife said: 
 
 "Huh!" 
 
 At the same time she tossed the curls into 
 the grate, where they shrivelled up, burst into 
 blue smoke, and shortly disappeared in ashes. 
 
 "That is a very likely story," she said, "but 
 it does not explain how this came to be in 
 your pocket." 
 
 Saying this she drew from her basket the 
 handkerchief and handed it to Mr. Billings. 
 
 "Hah!" he exclaimed. For a moment he 
 turned the rolled-up handkerchief over and 
 over, and then he cautiously opened it. At 
 the sight of the twelve acorns he seemed 
 somewhat surprised, and when the initials 
 "T. M. C." on the corner of the handkerchief 
 caught his eye he blushed. 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 67 
 
 "You are blushing you are disturbed," 
 said Mrs. Billings severely. 
 
 "I am," said Mr. Billings, suddenly recover 
 ing himself; "and no wonder." 
 
 "And no wonder, indeed!" said Mrs Bil 
 lings. "Perhaps, then, you can tell me how 
 those acorns and that handkerchief came to 
 be in your pocket." 
 
 "I can," said Mr. Billings, "and I will." 
 
 "You had better," said Mrs. Billings. 
 
 III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY ? S 
 HANDKERCHIEF 
 
 You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. 
 Billings), that the initials on that handkerchief 
 are "T. M. C.," and I wish you to keep that 
 in mind, for it has a great deal to do with 
 this story. Had they been anything else that 
 handkerchief would not have found its way 
 into my pocket ; and when you see how those 
 acorns and that handkerchief, and the half- 
 filled nursing-bottle and the auburn-red curls 
 
68 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 all combined to keep me out of r y home 
 until the unearthly hour of three A. M., you 
 will forget the unjust suspicions which I too 
 sadly fear you now hold against me, and you 
 will admit that a half-filled patent nursing- 
 bottle, a trio of curls, a lady s handkerchief 
 and twelve acorns were the most natural 
 things in the world to find in my pockets. 
 
 When I had left the poor woman with her 
 no-longer-starving baby I hurriedly glanced 
 into a store window, and by the clock there 
 saw it was twenty minutes of one and that I 
 had exactly time to catch the one o clock 
 train, which is the last train that runs to West- 
 cote. I glanced up and down the street, but 
 not a car was in sight, and I knew I could not 
 afford to wait long if I wished to catch that 
 train. There was but one thing to do, and 
 that was to take a cab, and, as luck would 
 have it, at that moment an automobile cab 
 came rapidly around the corner. I raised 
 my voice and my arm, and the driver saw or 
 heard me, for he made a quick turn in the 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 69 
 
 street aud drew up at the curb beside me. I 
 ft r 
 
 hastily gave him the directions, jumped in and 
 slammed the door shut, and the auto-cab 
 immediately started forward at what seemed 
 to me unsafe speed. 
 
 We had not gone far when something in 
 the fore part of the automobile began to thump 
 in a most alarming manner, and the driver 
 slackened his speed, drew up to the curb and 
 stopped. He opened the door and put his 
 head in. 
 
 "Something s gone wrong," he said, "but 
 don t you worry. I ll have it fixed in no time, 
 and then I can put on more speed and I ll 
 get you there in just the same time as if nothing 
 had happened." 
 
 When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, 
 for he was a nice-looking man, and I lay back, 
 for I was quite tired out, it was so long past 
 my usual bedtime; and the driver went to 
 work, doing things I could not understand to 
 the fore part of the automobile, where the 
 machinery is. I remember thinking that the 
 
70 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 cushions of this automobile were unusually 
 soft, and then I must have dozed off, and 
 when I opened my eyes I did not know how 
 much time had elapsed, but the driver was 
 still at work and I could hear him swearing. 
 He seemed to be having a great deal of trouble, 
 so I got out of the automobile, intending to 
 tell him that perhaps I had better try to get a 
 car, after all. But his actions when he saw 
 me were most unexpected. He waved the 
 wrench he held in his hand, and ordered me 
 to get back into the automobile, and I did. 
 I supposed he was afraid he would lose his 
 fare and tip, but in a few minutes he opened 
 the door again and spoke to me. 
 
 "Now, sport," he said, "there ain t no use 
 thinkin about gettin that train, because it s 
 gone, and I may as well say now that you ve 
 got to come with me, unless you want me to 
 smash your head in. The fact is, this ain t 
 no public automobile, and I hadn t no right 
 to take you for a passenger. This automobile 
 belongs to a lady and I m her hired chauffeur, 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 71 
 
 and she s at a bridge-whist party in a house 
 on Fifth Avenue, and I m supposed to be 
 waiting outside that house. One-fifteen 
 o clock was the time she said she would be 
 out. But I thought maybe I might make a 
 dollar or two for myself instead of waiting 
 there all that time, and she would never know 
 it. And now it is nearly two o clock, and if 
 I go back alone she will be raving mad, and 
 I ll get my discharge and no references, and 
 my poor wife and six children will have to 
 starve. So you w r ill have to go with me and 
 explain how it was that I wasn t there at one- 
 fifteen o clock." 
 
 " My friend," I said, " I am sorry for you, but 
 I do not see how it would help you, should 
 I refuse to go and you should, as you say, 
 smash my head in." 
 
 "Don t you worry none about that," he 
 said. "If I smashed your head in, as I could 
 do easy enough with this wrench, I d take 
 what was left of you up some dark street, 
 and lay you on the pavement and run the 
 
72 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 * 
 
 machine across you once or twice, and then 
 take you to a hospital, and that would be 
 excuse enough. You d be another Killed 
 by an Automobile, and I d be the hero 
 that picked you up and took you to the 
 hospital." 
 
 "Well," I said, "under the circumstances 
 I shall go with you, not because you threaten 
 me, but because your poor wife and six 
 children are threatened with starvation." 
 
 "Good!" he said. "And now all you have 
 to do is to think of what the excuse you will 
 give my lady boss will be." 
 
 With that he lay back against the cushions 
 and waited. He seemed to feel that the matter 
 did not concern him any more, and that the 
 rest of it lay with me. 
 
 "Go ahead!" I said to him. "I have no 
 idea what I shall tell your mistress, but since 
 I have lost the last train I must try to catch 
 the two o clock trolley car to Westcote, and 
 I do not wish to^ spend any more time than 
 necessary on this business. Make all the 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 73 
 
 haste possible, and as we go I shall think what 
 I will say when we get there." 
 
 The driver got out and took his seat and 
 started the car. I was worried, indeed, my 
 dear. I tried to think of something plausible 
 to tell the young man s employer; something 
 that would have an air of self-proof, when 
 suddenly I remembered the half-filled nursing- 
 bottle and the three auburn-red curls. Why 
 should I not tell the lady that a poor mother, 
 while proceeding down Fifth Avenue from 
 her scrub-woman job, had been taken suddenly 
 ill, and that I, being near, had insisted that 
 this automobile help me convey the woman 
 to her home, which we found, alas! to be in 
 the farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I 
 would produce the three auburn-red curls and 
 the half-filled nursing-bottle as having been 
 left in the automobile by the woman, and this 
 proof would suffice. 
 
 I had fully decided on this when the auto 
 mobile stopped in front of a large house in 
 Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell the driver 
 
74 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 that I had thought of the proper thing to say, 
 but that was all, for the waiting lady came 
 down the steps in great anger, and was about 
 to begin a good scolding, when she noticed me 
 sitting in her automobile. 
 
 If she had been angry before she was now 
 furious, and she was the kind of young woman 
 who can be extremely furious when she tries. 
 I think nothing in the world could have calmed 
 her had she not caught sight of my face by the 
 light of two strong lamps on a passing auto 
 mobile. She saw in my face what you see 
 there now, my dear the benevolent, fatherly 
 face of a settled-down, trustworthy, married 
 man of past middle age and as if by magic 
 her anger fled and she burst into tears. 
 
 "Oh, sir!" she cried, "I do not know who 
 you are, nor how you happen to be in my car, 
 but at this moment I am homeless and friend 
 less. I am alone in the world, and I need 
 advice. Let me get into the car beside you " 
 
 "Miss," I said, "I do not like to disoblige 
 you, but I can never allow myself to be in an 
 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 75 
 
 automobile at this time of night with a strange 
 woman, unchaperoned." 
 
 These words seemed almost more than she 
 could bear, and my heart was full of pity, 
 but, just as I was about to spring from the 
 automobile and rush away, I saw on the walk 
 the poor woman to whose baby I had given 
 the half of the contents of the patent nursing- 
 bottle. I called her and made her get into 
 the automobile, and then I let the young 
 woman enter. 
 
 "Now," I said, "where to?" 
 
 "That," she said, "is what I do not know. 
 When I left my home this evening I left it 
 forever, and I left a note of farewell to my 
 father, which he must have received and read 
 by this time, and if I went back he would turn 
 me from the door in anger, for he is a gentle 
 man of the old school." 
 
 When I heard these words I was startled. 
 
 "Can it be," I asked, "that you have a 
 brother Henry ?" 
 
 "I have," she admitted; "Henry Corwin is 
 
76 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 his name." This was the name of the young 
 man I had helped that very evening to marry 
 Madge. I told her to proceed. 
 
 "My father," she said, "has been insisting 
 that I marry a man I do not love, and things 
 have come to such a point that I must either 
 accede or take things into my own hands. 
 I agreed to elope this evening with the man 
 I love, for he had long wished me to elope 
 with him. I was to meet him outside his 
 house at exactly one-fifteen o clock, and I 
 told him that if I was not there promptly he 
 might know I had changed my mind. When 
 the time came for me to hasten to him in my 
 automobile, which was then to hurry us to a 
 waiting minister, my automobile was not here. 
 Unfortunately I did not know my lover s 
 address, for I had left it in the card pocket 
 in this automobile. I knew not what to do. 
 As the time passed and my automobile did 
 not appear I knew that my lover had decided 
 that I was not coming, and had gone away 
 into his house. Now I cannot go home, 
 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 77 
 for I have no home. I cannot so lower my 
 pride as to ring the bell of his house and say 
 I wish to be forgiven and married even yet. 
 What shall I do?" 
 
 For answer I felt in the card pocket of the 
 automobile and drew out the address of her 
 lover, and without hesitation I gave the address 
 to the chauffeur. In a few minutes we were 
 there. Leaving the young woman in the car 
 with the poor woman, I got out and surveyed 
 the house. It was unpromising. Evidently 
 all the family but the young man were away 
 for the summer, and the doors and windows 
 were all boarded up. There was not a bell 
 to ring. I pounded on the boards that cov 
 ered the door, but it was unavailing. The 
 young woman called to me that the young 
 man lived in the front room of the topmost 
 floor, and could not hear me, and I glanced 
 up and saw that one window alone of all 
 those in the house was not boarded up. 
 Instantly I hopped upon the seat beside the 
 driver and said, "Central Park." 
 
78 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the 
 Park at full speed, and when we were what 
 I considered far enough in I ordered him to 
 stop, and hurrying up a low bank I began to 
 grope among the leaves of last year under the 
 trees. I was right. In a few minutes I had 
 filled my pockets with acorns, was back in the 
 car, and we were hurrying toward the house 
 of the lover, when I saw standing on a corner 
 a figure I instantly recognized as Lemuel, 
 the elevator boy, and at the same time I 
 remembered that Lemuel spent his holidays 
 pitching for a ball nine. He was just the 
 man I needed, and I stopped and made him 
 get into the car. In a minute more we were 
 before the house again, and I handed Lemuel a 
 fistful of acorns. He drew back and threw 
 them with all his strength toward the upper 
 window. 
 
 My dear, will you believe it ? Those acorns 
 were wormy! They were light. They would 
 not carry to the window, but scattered like 
 bits of chips when they had travelled but 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 79 
 
 half-way. I was upset, but Lemuel was not. 
 He ordered the chauffeur to drive to lower 
 Sixth Avenue with all speed, in order that he 
 might get a baseball. With this he said he 
 could hit any mark, and we had started in 
 that direction when, passing a restaurant on 
 Broadway, I saw emerge Henry and Madge. 
 
 "Better far," I said to myself, "put this 
 young woman in charge of her brother and 
 his new wife than leave her to elope alone," 
 and I made the chauffeur draw up beside 
 them. Hastily I explained the situation, and 
 where we were going at that moment, and 
 Henry and Madge laughed in unison. 
 
 "Madge," said Henry, "we had no trouble 
 making wormy acorns travel through the air, 
 had we?" And both laughed again. At 
 this I made them get into the automobile 
 and while we returned to the lover s house 
 I made them explain. It was very simple, 
 and I had just tied a dozen acorns tightly in 
 my handkerchief, making a ball to throw at 
 the window, when the poor woman with the 
 
80 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 baby noticed that the window was partly open. 
 I asked Lemuel if he could throw straight 
 enough to throw the handkerchief-ball into 
 the window, and he said he could, and took 
 the handkerchief, but a brighter idea came to 
 me, and I turned to the eloping young lady. 
 
 "Let me have your handkerchief, if it has 
 your initials on it," I said; "for when he sees 
 that fall into his room he will know you are 
 here. He will not think you are forward, 
 coming to him alone, for he will know you 
 could never have thrown the handkerchief, 
 even if loaded with acorns, to such a height. 
 It will be your message to him." 
 
 At this, which I do pride myself was a 
 suggestion worthy of myself, all were delighted, 
 and while I modestly tied twelve acorns in the 
 handkerchief on which were the initials 
 "T. M. C.," all the others cheered. Even 
 the woman from whom I had received the 
 three auburn-red curls cheered, and the baby 
 that was half-filled out of the patent nursing- 
 bottle crowed with joy. But the chauffeur 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 81 
 
 honked his honker. Lemuel took the hand 
 kerchief full of acorns in his hand and drew 
 back his famous left arm, when suddenly 
 Theodora Mitchell Corwin for that was 
 the eloping young lady s name shrieked, 
 and looking up we saw her lover at the window. 
 He gave an answering yell and disappeared, 
 and Lemuel let his left arm fall and handed 
 me the handkerchief-ball. 
 
 In the excitement I dropped it into my 
 pocket, and it was not until I was on the car 
 for Westcote that I discovered it, and then, 
 not wishing to be any later in getting home, 
 I did not go back to give it to Theodora Mitch 
 ell Corwin; in fact, I did not know where she 
 had eloped to. Nor could I give it to Madge 
 or Henry, for they had gone on their wedding 
 journey as soon as they saw Theodora and her 
 lover safely eloped. 
 
 I had no right to give it to the poor woman 
 with the baby, even if she had not immediately 
 disappeared into her world of poverty, and it 
 certainly did not belong to Lemuel, nor could 
 
82 MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 
 
 I have given it to him, for he took the ten 
 dollars the lover gave him and stayed out so 
 late that he was late to work this morning 
 and was discharged. He said he was going 
 back to Texas. So I brought the hand 
 kerchief and the twelve acorns home, know 
 ing you would be interested in hearing their 
 story. 
 
 When Mr. Billings had thus finished his 
 relation of the happenings of his long evening, 
 Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for a minute. 
 Then she said: 
 
 "But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the 
 handkerchief and the twelve acorns you 
 blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I 
 see nothing in this kind action you did to 
 cause a blush." 
 
 "I blushed," said Mr. Billings, "to think 
 of the lie I was going to tell Theodora Merrill 
 Corwin " 
 
 " I thought you said her name was Theodora 
 Mitchell Corwin," said Mrs. Billings. 
 
MR. BILLINGS S POCKETS 83 
 
 " Mitchell or Merill," said Mr. Billings. " I 
 cannot remember exactly which." 
 
 For several minutes Mrs. Billings was 
 >ilent. Occasionally she would open her 
 nouth as if to ask a question, but each time 
 ;he closed it again without speaking. Mr. 
 Billings sat regarding his wife with what, in a 
 nan of less clear conscience, might be called 
 inxiety. At length Mrs. Billings put her 
 iewing into her sewing-basket and arose. 
 
 "Rollin," she said, "I have enjoyed hearing 
 ~ou tell your experiences greatly. I can say 
 )ut one thing: Never in your life have you 
 leceived me. And you have not deceived me 
 low." 
 
 For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat 
 done, thinking. 
 
)UR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
Ill 
 
 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 When our new suburban house was com 
 pleted I took Sarah out to see it, and she 
 liked it all but the stairs. 
 
 " Edgar," she said, when she had ascended 
 to the second floor, "I don t know whether 
 it is imagination or not, but it seems to me 
 that these stairs are funny, some way. I 
 can t understand it. They are not a long 
 flight, and they are not unusually steep, but 
 they seem to be unusually wearying. I 
 never knew a short flight to tire me so, and 
 I have climbed many flights in the six years 
 we have lived in flats." 
 
 " Perhaps, Sarah," I said, with mild dis 
 simulation, "you are unusually tired to-day." 
 
 The fact was that I had planned those 
 stairs myself, and for a particular reason I 
 
 87 
 
88 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 had made the rise of each step three inches 
 more than the customary height, and in this 
 way I had saved two steps. I had also made 
 the tread of the steps unusually narrow; and 
 the reason was that I had found, from long 
 experience, that stair carpet wears first on the 
 tread of the steps, where the foot falls. By 
 making the steps tall enough to save two, 
 and by making the tread narrow, I reduced 
 the wear on the carpet to a minimum. I 
 believe in economy where it is possible. For 
 the same reason I had the stair banisters made 
 wide, with a saddle-like top to the newel 
 post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide 
 downstairs. The less they used the stairs the 
 longer the carpet would last. 
 
 I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of 
 burglars; most women have. As for myself, 
 I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all very 
 well to get up in the night and prowl about 
 with a pistol in one hand, seeking to eliminate 
 the life of a burglar, and some men may like 
 it; but I am of a very excitable nature, and I 
 
OUR FIRST BURGLAR 89 
 
 am sure that if I did find a burglar and suc 
 ceeded in shooting him, I should be in such an 
 excited state that I could not sleep again that 
 night and no man can afford to lose his 
 night s rest. 
 
 There are other objections to shooting a 
 burglar in the house, and these objections 
 apply with double force when the house and 
 its furnishings are entirely new. Although 
 some of the rugs in our house were red, not all 
 of them were; and I had no guarantee that if I 
 shot a burglar he would lie down on a red rug 
 to bleed to death. A burglar does not con 
 sider one s feelings, and would be quite as apt 
 to bleed on a green rug, and spoil it, as not. 
 Until burglarizing is properly regulated and 
 burglars are educated, as they should be, 
 in technical burglary schools, we cannot 
 hope that a shot burglar will staunch his 
 wound until he can find a red rug to lie 
 down on. 
 
 And there are still other objections to 
 shooting a burglar. If all burglars were fat, 
 
90 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 one of these would be removed; but perhaps a 
 thin burglar might get in front of my revolver, 
 and in that case the bullet would be likely to 
 go right through him and continue on its way, 
 and perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass 
 dish. I am a thin man myself, and if a bur 
 glar shot at me he might damage things in the 
 same way. 
 
 I thought all these things over*when we 
 decided to build in the suburbs, for Sarah is 
 very nervous about burglars, and makes me 
 get up at the slightest noise and go poking 
 about. Only the fact that no burglar had 
 ever entered our flat at night had prevented 
 what might have been a serious accident to a 
 burglar, for I made it a rule, when Sarah 
 wakened me on such occasions, to waste no 
 time, but to go through the rooms as hastily 
 as possible and get back to bed; and at the 
 speed I travelled I might have bumped into a 
 burglar in the dark and knocked him over, 
 and his head might have struck some hard 
 object, causing concussion of the brain; and 
 
OUR FIRST BURGLAR 91 
 
 as a burglar has a small brain a small amount 
 of concussion might have ruined it entirely. 
 But as I am a slight man it might have been 
 my brain that got concussed. A father of 
 a family has to think of these things. 
 
 The nervousness of Sarah regarding bur 
 glars had led me in this way to study the sub 
 ject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black 
 pajamas as nightwear was not due to coward 
 ice on my part. I properly reasoned that if a 
 burglar tried to shoot me while I was rushing 
 around the house after him in the darkness, 
 a suit of black pajamas would somewhat spoil 
 his aim, and, not being able to see me, he 
 would not shoot at all. In this way I should 
 i save Sarah the nerve shock that would follow 
 the explosion of a pistol in the house. For 
 Sarah was very much more afraid of pistols 
 1 than of burglars. I am sure there were only 
 two reasons why I had never killed a burglar 
 with a pistol: one was that no burglar had 
 ever entered our flat, and the other was that 
 I never had a pistol. 
 
92 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 But I knew that one is much less protected 
 in a suburb than in town, and when I decided 
 to build I studied the burglar protection 
 matter most carefully. I said nothing to 
 Sarah about it, for fear it would upset her 
 nerves, but for months I considered every 
 method that seemed to have any merit/ and 
 that would avoid getting a burglar s blood 
 or mine spattered around on our new fur 
 nishings. I desired some method by which 
 I could finish up a burglar properly without 
 having to leave my bed,/ for although Sarah 
 is brave enough in sending me out of bed to 
 catch a burglar, I knew she must suffer severe 
 nerve strain during the time I was wandering 
 about in the dark. Her objection to explosives 
 had also to be considered, and I really had 
 to exercise my brain more than common be 
 fore I hit upon what I may now consider 
 the only perfect method of handling burglars. 
 
 Several things coincided to suggest my 
 method. One of these was Sarah s foolish 
 notion that our silver must, every night, be 
 
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OUR FIRST BURGLAR 93 
 
 brought from the dining-room and deposited 
 under our bed. This I considered a most 
 foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any 
 burglar who ordinarily would have quietly 
 taken the silver from the dining-room and 
 have then gone away peacefully, to enter our 
 room. The knowledge that I lay in bed ready 
 at any time to spring out upon him would 
 make him prepare his revolver, and his ner 
 vousness might make him shoot me, which 
 would quite upset Sarah s nerves. I told 
 Sarah so, but she had a hereditary instinct 
 for bringing the silver to the bedroom, and 
 insisted. I saw that in the suburban house 
 this would be continued as "bringing the 
 silver upstairs," and a trial of my carpet- 
 saving stairs suggested to me my burglar- 
 defeating plan. I had the apparatus built 
 into the house, and I had the house planned 
 to agree with the apparatus. 
 
 For several months after we moved into the 
 house I had no burglars, but I felt no fear of 
 them in any event. I was prepared for them. 
 
94 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 In order not to make Sarah nervous, I 
 explained to her that my invention of a silver- 
 elevator was merely a time-saving device. 
 From the top of the dining-room sideboard I 
 ran upright tracks through the ceiling to the 
 back of the hall above, and in these I placed 
 a glass case, which could be run up and down 
 the tracks like a dumbwaiter. All our ser 
 vant had to do when she had washed the silver 
 was to put it in the glass case, and I had 
 attached to the top of the case a stout steel 
 cable which ran to the ceiling of the hall above, 
 over a pulley, and so to our bedroom, which 
 was at the front of the hall upstairs. By this 
 means I could, when I was in bed, pull the 
 cable, and the glass case of silver would 
 rise to th second floor. Our bedroom door 
 opened upon the hall, and from the bed I 
 could see the glass case; but in order that I 
 might be sure that the silver was there I put 
 a small electric light in the case and kept it 
 burning all night. Sarah was delighted with 
 this arrangement, for in the morning all I 
 

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OUR FIRST BURGLAR 95 
 
 had to do was to pay out the steel cable and 
 the silver would descend to the dining-room, 
 and the maid could have the table all set by 
 the time breakfast was ready. Not once did 
 Sarah have a suspicion that all this was not 
 merely a household economy, but my burglar 
 trap. 
 
 On the sixth of August, at two o clock in the 
 morning, Sarah awakened me, and I immedi 
 ately sat straight up in bed. There was an 
 undoubtable noise of sawing, and I knew at 
 once that a burglar was entering our home. 
 Sarah was trembling, and I knew she was get 
 ting nervous, but I ordered her to remain calm. 
 
 "Sarah," I said, in a whisper, "be calm! 
 There is not the least danger. I have been 
 expecting this for some time, and I only hope 
 the burglar has no dependent family or poor 
 old mother to support. Whatever happens, 
 be calm and keep perfectly quiet." 
 
 With that I released the steel cable from 
 the head of my bed and let the glass case full 
 of silver slide noiselessly to the sideboard. 
 
96 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 "Edgar!" whispered Sarah in agonized 
 tones, "are you giving him our silver?" 
 
 "Sarah!" I whispered sternly, "remem 
 ber what I have just said. Be calm and keep 
 perfectly quiet." And I would say no more. 
 
 In a very short time I heard the window 
 below us open softly, and I knew the burglar 
 was entering the parlour from the side porch. 
 I counted twenty, which I had figured would 
 be the time required for him to reach the 
 dining-room, and then, when I was sure he 
 must have seen the silver shining in the glass 
 case, I slowly pulled on the steel cable and 
 raised case and silver to the hall above. Sarah 
 began to whisper to me, but I silenced her. 
 
 What I had expected happened. The 
 burglar, seeing the silver rise through the 
 ceiling, left the dining-room and went into 
 the hall. There, from the foot of the stairs, he 
 could see the case glowing in the hall above, 
 and without hesitation he mounted the stairs. 
 As he reached the top I had a good view of 
 him, for he was silhouetted against the light 
 
OUR FIRST BURGLAR 97 
 
 that glowed from the silver case. He was a 
 most brutal looking fellow of the prize-fighting 
 type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw 
 his build. He was short and chunky. As he 
 stepped forward to grasp the silver case, I let 
 the steel cable run through my fingers, and the 
 case and its precious contents slid noiselessly 
 down to the dining-room. For only one 
 instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then 
 he turned and ran downstairs again. 
 
 This time I did not wait so long to draw up 
 the silver. I hardly gave him time to reach 
 the dining-room door before I jerked the 
 cable, and the case was glowing in the upper 
 hall. The burglar immediately stopped, 
 turned, and mounted the stairs, but just as he 
 reached the top I let the silver slide down 
 again, and he had to turn and descend. 
 Hardly had he reached the bottom step before 
 I had the silver once more in the upper hall. 
 
 The burglar was a gritty fellow and was 
 not to be so easily defeated. With some word 
 which I could not catch, but which I have no 
 
98 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 doubt was profane, or at least vulgar, he 
 dashed u^> the stairs, and just as his hand 
 touched the case I let the silver drop to the 
 dining-room. I smiled as I saw his next 
 move. He carefully removed his coat and 
 vest, rolled up his sleeves, and took off his 
 collar. This evidently meant that he intend 
 ed to get the silver if it took the whole night, 
 and nothing could have pleased me more. I 
 lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with 
 suppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner 
 of a pillow in my mouth to smother the sound 
 of my mirth. I did not allow the least pity 
 for the unfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve. 
 
 A low, long screech from the hall told me 
 that I had a man of uncommon brain to con 
 tend with, for I knew the sound came from 
 his hands drawing along the banister, and 
 that to husband his strength and to save time, 
 he was sliding down. But this did not dis 
 concert me. It pleased me. The quicker he 
 went down, the oftener he would have to walk up. 
 
 For half an hour I played with him, giving 
 
OUR FIRST BURGLAR 99 
 
 him just time to get dCwn to the foot of the 
 stairs before I raised the silver, and just time 
 to reach the top before I lowered it, and then I 
 grew tired of the sport for it was nothing 
 else to me and decided to finish him off. 
 I was getting sleepy, but it was evident that 
 the burglar was not, and I was a little afraid I 
 might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. The 
 burglar had that advantage because he was 
 used to night work. So I quickened my 
 movements a little. ^Tien the burglar slid 
 down I gave him just time to see the silver 
 rise through the ceiling, and when he climbed 
 the stairs I only allowed him to see it descend 
 through the floor. In this way I made him 
 double his pace, and as I quickened my move 
 ments I soon had him dashing up the stairs 
 and sliding down again as if for a wager. I 
 did not give him a moment for rest, and 
 he was soon panting terribly and beginning 
 to stumble; but with almost superhuman 
 nerve he kept up the chase. He was an 
 unusually tough burglar. 
 
100 OUR FIRST BURGLAR 
 
 But quick as he was I was always quicker, 
 and a glimpse of the glowing case was all I let 
 him have at either end of his climb or slide. 
 No sooner was he down than it was up, and 
 no sooner was the case up than he was up 
 after it. In this way I kept increasing his 
 speed until it was something terrific, and the 
 whole house shook, like an automobile with a 
 very powerful motor. But still his speed in 
 creased. I saw then that I had brought him 
 to the place I had prepared for, where he had 
 but one object in life, and that was to beat the 
 case up or down stairs; and as I was now so 
 sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did 
 what I had intended to do from the first. I 
 lowered the case until it was exactly between 
 the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of 
 the hall above and turned out the electric 
 light. I then tied the steel cable securely to 
 the head of my bed, turned over, and went to 
 sleep, lulled by the shaking of the house as the 
 burglar dashed up and down the stairs. 
 
 Just how long this continued I do not know, 
 
OUR FIRST BURGLAR 101 
 
 for my sleep was deep and dreamless, but I 
 should judge that the burglar ran himself to 
 death sometime between half-past three and 
 a quarter after four. So great had been his 
 efforts that when I went to remove him I did 
 not recognize him at all. When I had seen 
 him last in the glow of the glass silver case 
 he had been a stout, chunky fellow, and now 
 his remains were those of an emaciated man. 
 He must have run off one hundred and twenty 
 pounds of flesh before he gave out. 
 
 Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our 
 silver consisted of but half a dozen each of 
 knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and 
 a sugar spoon, all plated, and worth prob 
 ably five dollars, and to save this I had made 
 the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet 
 worth twenty-nine dollars. But I have now 
 corrected this. I have bought fifty dollars 
 worth of silver. 
 
 THE END 
 
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 JUN 
 
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 1938 
 
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 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY