This book is DUE on the last date stamped below . i -;'; 7 1934 MAR 2 4 1955 JAN 8 9 1959 Hi nil" 8 Form L I Southern Branch of the University of California Los Angeles Murphy, Arthur. The old maid. 1761. The apprentice . 1764 . The upholsterer. 1765. The citizen. 1770. What we mast all come to 1764. The desert island. 176* THE OLD MAID- A COMEDY In TWO ACTS, As it is PERFORMS D at the THEATRE-ROYAL iii DRURY-LANE, By Mr. M U R P H Y. Tempus erit, quo tu y qua nunc excludis amantem, Frigida DefertA Nofte jacebis Anus. OVID. LONDON: Printed for P. VAILLANT, facing Southampton-Street in the Strand. MDCCLXI. (Price One Shilling.) j ADVERTISEMENT. AS the OLD MAID is now adven- turing, into the world, it would be proper to acquaint the mere Englifli reader, that the fubjecl: of it, and part of the fable, were taken from a little piece, in one act, called, L'Etourderie, by Monfieur pagan, but that the author of thefe fcenes is fenfible, how fuperfluous that information will be rendered by the afliduity of fome people, who, no doubt, will make a notable difcovery of this prodigious crime, and prefs it home with all the reproaches of plagiarifm, pilfer- ing, borrowing, robbing, tranjlating, &c. But while this writer can add any thing to the decent amufements of, the public, he is willing to be abufed for it, in what- ever manner the illiberal (hall think fit. L i N co L N'S INN, ' Nt--u. 1 8, 1761. Dramatis Perfoii. MEN. CLERIMONT, Mr. OBRIEN. Capt. CAPE, Mr. KING. Mr. HARLOW, Mr. KENNEDY. Mr. HEARTWELL, Mr. PHILLIPS. FOOTMAN, Mr. CASTLE. WOMEN. Mrs. HARLOW, Mifs HAUGHTON. Mifs HARLOW, Mifs KENNEDY. TRIFLE, Mifs ********************* THE OLD MAID A C T I. Enter Mrs. HARLO W and Mj/S-H AR L O W. Mrs. H A R L O W. Y dear fifter, let me tell you - M Mifs H A R L O W. me you it is in vain ; you can fay no- thing that will have any effeft. Mrs. H A R L O W. Not if you won't hear me only hear me B Mifs 2 The OLD MAID. Mifs H A R L O W. Oh ! ma'am, I know you love to hear yourfelf talk, and fo pleafe yourfelf ; but 1 am refolved Mrs. H A R L O W. Your refolution may alter. Mifs H A R L O W. Never. Mrs. H A R L O W. Upon a little confideration. Mifs H A R L O W. Upon no confideration. Mrs. H A R L O W. Yon don't know how that may be- recoi- led, fitter, that you are no chicken--you are not now of the age that becomes giddinefs and folly. Mifs H A R L O W. Age, ma'am- Mrs. H A R L O W. Do but hear me, fifter do but hear me A perfon of your years Mifs H A R L O W. My years, fifter ! Upon my word Mrs. H A R JL O W. Nay, no offence, filter Mifs H A R L O W. But there is offence, ma'am : I don't underftand what you mean by it- always thwarting me with my years- --my years, in- deed ! The OLD MAID. 3 deed !---when perhaps, ma'am, if I was to die of old age, fome folks might have rea- fon to look about them. Mrs. H A R L O W. She feels it I fee oh ! I delight in mor- tifying -her (afide} --lifter, if I did not love you I am fure I mould not talk to you in this manner- But how can you make fo unkind a return now as to alarm me about myfelf ?-- in fome fixteen or eighteen years after you, to be fure, I own I mail begin to think of making my will How could you be fo fevere ? Mifs H A R L W. Some fixteen or eighteen years, ma'am ! If you would own the truth, ma'am,---! be- lieve ma'am, -you would find, ma'am, that the difparity, ma'am, is not fo very great, ma'am Mrs. H A R L O W. Well ! I vow paffion becomes you inordi- nately It blends a few rofes with the lillies of your cheek, and Mifs H A R L O W. And tho' you are married to my brother, ma'am, I would have you to know, ma'am, that you are not thereby any way authorifed, ma'am, to take unbecoming liberties with his filler. 1 am independent of 'my bro- ther, ma'am, ---my fortune is in my own hands, ma'am, and ma'am B 2 Mrs. 4 The OLD MAID. Mrs. H A R L O W. Well ! do you know now when your blood circulates a little, that I think you look mighty well ? But you was in the wrong not to marry at my age--fweet three and twenty ! you can't conceive what a deal of good it would have done your tem- per and your fpirits, if you had married tarly Mifs H A R L O W. Infolent !-- provoking -female malice Mrs. H A R L O W. But to be waiting till it is almoft too late in the day, and force one's felf to fay ftrange things -,- with the tongue and heart at variance all the time " I don't mind the hideous men" " I am very happy as I arn " ,and all that time, my dear, dear filter -to be upon the tenter-hooks of expectation. Mifs H A R L O W. I upon tenter- hooks ! Mrs. H A R L O W. And to be at this work of four grapes, till one is turned of three and forty" Mifs H A R L O W. Three and forty, ma'am ! 1 defire, filler 1 defire, ma'am .three and forty, ma'am- Mrs. H A R L O W. Nay- nay --nay -don't be angry -don't blame me---blame my hufband ; he is your own The OLD MAID. 5 own brother, you know, and he knows your : age* He told me fo Mifs H A R L O W. Oh ! ma'am, I lee ycur drifc but you need not give yourfelf thofe airs, ma'am the men don't fee with your eyes, ma'am- years, indeed ! Three and forty, truly ! I'll affure youupon my word---hah! very fine ! But I fee plainly, ma'am, what you are at---Mr. Clerimont, madam !--- Mr. Clerimont, fitter ! that's what frets you a young hufband, ma'am -younger than your hufband, ma'am- Mr. Clerimont, let me tell you, ma'am Enter TRIFLE. TRIFLE. Oh ! rare news, ma'am, charming news we have got another letter Mifs H A R L O W. From whom? from Mr. Clerimont ? where is it ? TRIFLE. Yes, ma'am from Mr. Clerimont, ma'am. Mifs H A R L O W. Let me fee it kt me fee it quick- quick [reads " Madam, *' The honour of a letter from you has " fo filled my mind with joy and gratitude, " that 6 The OLD MAID. " that I want words of force to reach but * c half my meaning. I can only fay that " you have revived a heart that was expiring ' for you, and now beats for you alone" There fitter, mind that Iyears indeed !- [reads to herfelf. Mrs. H A R L O W. I wifh you joy, filler 1 wifh I had not gone to Ranelagh with her laft week - Who cpuld have thought that her faded beauties would have made fuch an impref- fion on him ? [afide. Mifs H A R L O W. Mind here again, filler. (reads] " Ever " flnce I had the good fortune of feeing " you at Ranelagh, your idea has been ever " prefent to me ; and lince you now give < me leave, I mail, without delay, wait " upon your brother, and whatever terms " he prefcribes, I mail readily fubfcribe to ; " for to be your (lave is dearer to me than *' liberty. I have the honour to remain " The humbleft of your admirers, " CLERIMONT.'' There, filter ! Mrs. H A R L O W. Well ! 1 wifh you joy again but re- member I tell you, take care what you do. He is young, and of courfe giddy and in- conftant. Mifs The OLD MAID. 7 Mifs H A R L O W. He is warm, paffionate, and tender Mrs. H A R L O W. But you don't know how long that may laft and here are you going to break off a very fuitable match, which all your friends liked and approved, a match with captain Cape, who to be fure Mifs H A R L O W. Don't name captain Cape, I befeech you, don't name him . Mrs. H A R L O W. Captain Cape, let me tell you, is not to be defpifed He has acquired by his voy- ages to India a very pretty fortune has a charming box of a houfe upon Hackney - Marfh, and is of an age every way fuit- able to you. Mifs H A R L O W. There again now ! age ! age ! age ! for ever! years years my years ! But I tell you once for all, Mr. Clerimont does not fee with your eyes 1 am deter- mined to hear no more of captain Cape Odious Hackney-Marfh ! ah ! fitter, you would be glad to fee me married in a middling way Mrs. H A R L O W. I, fifter ! 1 am fure nobody will re- joice more at your preferment L I am re- folved never to vifit her if Mr. Clerimont marries her [ajide, Mifs S The OLD MAID. Mifs H A R L O W. Well ! well ! I tell you, Mr. Clerimont has won my heart young handfome rich town houfe, country houfe equi- page To him, and only him, will I fur- rendt-r myfelf Three and forty, indeed ! ha! ha! you fee, my dear, dear fitter, that thefe features are ftill regular and blooming >, that the love-darting eye has not quite forfook me ; and that I have made a conqueft which your boafted youth might be vain of Mrs. H A R L O W. Oh ! ma'am, I beg your pardon if I have taken too much liberty for your good Mifs H A R L O W- I humbly thank you for your advice, my fweet dear, friendly fitter But don't envy me, I beg you won't ; don't fret your- felf ; you can't conceive what a deal of good a ferenity of mind will do your health- . I'll go and write an anfwer directly to this charming, charming letter fitter yours I mail be glad to fee you, fitter, at my houfe in Hill-ttreet, when I am Mrs. Clerimont and remember what I tell you that fome faces retain their bloom and beauty longer than you imagine my dear fitter Come, Trifle let me fly this moment >}fter, your fervant- [Exit with Trifle. Mrs. The OLD MAID. 9 Mrs. H A R L O W. Your fervant, my dear ! well ! I am determined to lead the gayeft life in nature, if fhe marries Clerimont. I'll have a new equipage, that's one thing and I'll have greater routs than her, that's another Fo- fitively, 1 muft outfliine her there-^-and I'll keep up a polite enmity with her go and fee her, may be once or twice in a winter " Ma'am, I am really fo hurried with'fuch a number of acquaintances, that I can't pof- fibly find time" And then to provoke her, " I wifh you joy, filter, I hear you are breeding" ha ! ha ! that will fo mortify her " I wifh it may be a boy, fifter" ha ! ha ! and then when her huiband be- gins to defpife her, tc Really, fifter, I pity " you had you taken my advice, and mar- *' ried the India captain your cafe is a com- " pafiionate one" Compaffion is fo info- lent when a body feels none at all ha ! ha! it is the fined way of infulting Enttr Mr. H A R L O W. Mr. H A R L O W. So, my dear ; how are my filler's affairs going on ? Mrs. H A R L O \V. Why, my dear, (he has had another letter from Mr. Clerimont did you ever hear of fuchan odd unaccountable thing patched up in a hurry here ? Mr. H A R L O W. Whv it is fudden, to be fure C Mrs. 10 The OLD MAID. Mrs. H A R L W. Upon my word, I think you had better advife her not to break off with captain Cape Mr. H A R L O W. No not I 1 wilh fhe may be married to one or other of them for her temper is really grown fo very four, and there is fuch eternal wrangling between ye both, that I wifh to fee her in her own houfe, for the peace and quiet of mine. Mrs. H A R L O W. Do you know this Mr. Clerimont ? Mr. H A R L O W. No; but I have heard of the family - There is a very fine fortune -I wifti he may hold his intention. Mrs. H A R L O W. Why, I doubt it vaftly Mr. H A R L O W. And truly fo do I for between ourfelves, I fee no charms in my fitter Mrs. ,H A R L O W. For my part I can't comprehend it how fhe could fb ike his fancy, is to me the moft aflcniming thing After this/ 1 mall be fur- prifed at nothing Mr. H A R L O W. Werf ! ftrange things do happen ; fo me is out married out of the way, I am fatisfied an old maid in a houfe is the de- vil Enter The OLD MAID. n Enter a Servant. SERVANT. Mr. Clerimont, Sir, to wait on you Mr. H A R L O W. Shew him in (Exit Servant] how comes this vifit, pray ? Mrs. H A R L O W. My fifter wrote to him to explain himfelf to you Well! it is mighty odd but I'll leave you to yourfelves. The man muft be an ideot to think of her f dfide and, Exit. Enter Mr. CLERIMONT.. Mr. H A R L O W. Sir, I am glad to have this pleafure. CLERIMONT. I prefume, Sir, you are no ftranger to the bufmefs that occafions this vifit. Mr. H A R L O W. Sir, the-honour you do me and my family CLERIMONT. Oh ! Sir, to be allied to your &rmty by fo tender a tie as a marriage with your fifter, will at once reflect a credit upon me, an/1 conduce to myhappinefs in the moil efiential point. ~ The lady charmed me at the very firft fight. Mr. H A R L O W (afule.) The devil Ihe did ! C 2 CLE- iz The OLD MAID. C L E R 1 M O N T. The fenfibility of her countenance, the elegance of her figure, the fweetnefs of her manner Mr. H A R L O W. Sir, you are pleaftd to compliment ! C L E R I M O NT. Compliment ! not in the lead, Sir Mr. H A R L O W. The fweetnefs of my filler's manner (a/ide) ha! ha! CLERIMONT. The firft time I faw her was a few nights ago at Ranelagh Though there was a crowd of beauties in the room, thronging and prefiing all around, yet me fhoneamongit them all with luperior luilre She was walk- ing arm in arm with another lady no op- pon unity offered for-me to form an acquain- tance amidft the hurry and buftle of the place, but 1 enquired their names as they were going into their chariot and learned they were Mrs. and Mils Harlow. From that moment fhe won my heart, and at one glance I became the willing captive of her beauty-' Mr. HARLOW. A very candid declaration, Sir ! how can this be ? The bloom has been off the peach any time thefe fifteen years, to my know- The OLD MAID. 13 knowlege-< (^/?d MAID. 49 HEARTWELL. Patience, Charles, patience. -My ne- phew's eftate will provide for his eldeil born, and upon the younger branches of his mar- riage I mean to fettle my fortune. Mr. H A R L O W. Generoufly fpoken, Sir, and fo there is no occafion for delay who waits there ? tell the ladies they are wanting HEARTWELL. I have ever loved my nephew, and fince he tells me he has made a good choice, I mail be glad to fee him happy. Capt. CAPE. But, Sir, let me tell you, that your nephew has ufed me very bafely, and Sir . Mr. H A R L O W. Nay, nay, captain, this is wrong now ; every thing was fettled between us in the other room recollect yourfelf do, I beg you will Oh ! here come the ladies. Enter Mrs. H A R I, O W, and Mife. Mifs H A R L O W. Now, fifter, you mall fee I have completed my conqueft CLERIMONT. Now then I am happy indeed my lovely, charming bride thus let me fnatch you to my heart, and thus, and thus (embraces Mrs. Harlow.) Mr. H A R L O W. Zoons ! before my face (pufhing -him away. ) H CLE- 5 o The OLD MAID. CLEjRIMONT. Prithee, indulge my tranfport my life., my angel ! Mr. H A R L O W. I defire you will defift, Sir CLERIMONT. Nay, nay, prithee be quiet my charm- ing, charming wife ! Mr. H A R L O W. That lady is not your wife CLERIMONT. How my wife, not my wife ! extafy and blifs ! Mr. H A R L O W. Come, come, Sir this is too much CLERIMONT. Ha ! ha ! you are very pleafant, Sir. Mr. H A R L O W. Zoons ! Sir, no trifling that lady is my wife CLERIMONT. Sir! Mr. H A R L O W. I fay, Sir, that lady is my wife ! Capt. CAPE. Ha ! ha! I fee through this it is a co- medy of errors, I believe (fengs.} HEARTWELL. What does all this mean ? CLERIMONT. Your wife, Sir ! Mr. H A R L O W. Yes, my wife and there is my filler, if you pleafe to take her CLE- The OLD MAID. 51 CLERIMONT. Sir! Mr. H A R L O W. Sir, this is the lady whom you have de- fired in marriage. CLERIMONT. Who I, Sir ? I beg your pardon that lady I took to be your wife (pointing to Mifs Harlow,} and that lady (pointing to Mrs. Harlow] I took to be your Mer Capt. CAPE, and Mrs. H A R L O W. Ha! ha! ha ! Mifs H A R L O W. Lord! lord! have I been made a fool of all this time ! furies ! torture ! murder ! Capt. CAPE. Ha! ha! my lady fair is taken in, I think Mrs. H A R L O W. Sifter, the men don't fee with my eyes ha! ha! Capt. CAPE. Ha ! ha ! the gentleman is no dangler, ma'am. Mrs. H A R L O W. This is a complete conqueft my fifter has made Mifs H A R L O W. I can't bear this Sir, I defire I may not be made a jeft of did not you follicit me ? importune me ? CLERIMONT. For your intereft in that lady, ma'am,T whom I took for Mifs Harlow I beg your H 2 pardon 52 The OLD MAID. pardon if I am miftaken, 1 hope there is no harm done. Mifs H A R L O W. Yes, Sir, but there is harm done I am made fport of expofed to derifion Oh ! I cannot bear this 1 cannot bear it (cries.} Mrs. H A R L O W. Don't cry, fifter fome faces preferve the bloom longer than others you know --ha ! ha! Capt. CAPE. Loll toll loll HEARTWELL. I don't underftand all this is that lady your wife, Sir ? Mr. H A R L O W. She is, Sir. HEARTWELL. And pray, nephew you took that lady for Mr. Harlow's fifter, I fuppofe CLERIMONT. I did, Sir. I beg pardon for the trouble I have given 1 am in fuch confufion, I can hardly HEARTWELL. Well, well ! the thing is cleared up, and there is no harm done but you mould have known what ground you went upon ha ' ha ! I can't help laughing neither Mr. H A R L O W. Why faith, nor I ha ! ha ! CLERIMONT. Since matters have turned fo unexpected- ly, 1 beg pardon for my miftake, and Sir, I take my leave (going,} Mils , The OLD MAID. 53 Mifs H A R L O W. And will you treat me in this manner, Sir ? will you draw me into fuch a fcrape, and not CLERIMONT. Ma'am, that gentleman would cut my throat his claim is prior to mine and, I dare fay, he will be very glad to be reconciled, madam. Mifs H A R L O W. You are a bafe man then, and I reject you Capt. Cape I fee my error, Sir, and I refign myfelf to you. Capr. CAPE. No, madam, I beg to be excufed I have been a dangler too long I ought to have been a brifker lover T mall endeavour to furvive it, ma'am I won't do myfelf a mif- chief and I have my anfwer- I am off, madam loll toll loll Mrs. H A R L O W. Ha ! ha ! I told you this, my dear fitter CLERIMONT, Madam, I dare fay the gentleman will think better of it Mr. Harlow, I am forry for all this confufion, and I beg pardon of the whole company for my miitake Mrs. Harlow, I wi(h you all happinefs, ma'am angelic creature ! what a misfortune to lofe her ! [Bows and exit. Capt. CAPE. And I will follow his example Mifs Har- low I wifh you all happinefs, angelic crea- ture ! what a misfortune to lofe her ! upon my foul I think you a moft admirable jilt, and fo now you may go, and bewail your virgi- nity in the mountains loll toll loll [Exif* 54 The OLD MAID. Mifs H A R L O W. Oh ! oh ! I can't bear to be treated in this manner I'll go and hide myfelf from the world for ever Oh ! oh ! the men are all favages, barbarians, monfters, and I hate the whole fex Oh i oh! (cries bitterly,} [Exif. Mrs. H A R L O W. My dear fitter, with her beauty and" her conquefts, ha! ha! Mr. H A R L O W. Ha! ha! very whimfical and ridiculous HEARTWELL. Sir, my nephew is young I am forry for this fcene of errors, and I hope you will alcribe the whole to his inexperience Mr. H A R L O W. I certainly mail, Sir Mrs. H A R L O W. I cautioned my fitter fufficiently about thfs matter, but vanity got the better of her, and leaves her now a whimfical inftance of folly and affectation. In vain the FADED TOAST her mirror tries, And counts the cruel murders of her eyes; For ridicule, fly-peeping o'er her head, "Will point the rofes and the lillies dead ; And while, fond foul! me weaves her myrtl chain, She proves a fubject of the comic ftrain. FINIS. THE APPRENTICE. A FARCE. I N TWO ACTS. As it is performed at the THEATRE-ROYAL, I N DRURY-LANE. BY MR. MURPHY, LONDON, Printed for P. VA ILL A NT. 1764. ..> ; . ; , , . ADVERTISEMENT. THERE was Room to apprehend, before the Reprefentation of the following Farce, that the Subject might appear extravagant and merely ideal j but the real Exiftence of it is difplaye'd in fuch a lively and piclurefque Manner by the Author of the Prologue, and was at once ,(b univerfally felt by the Audience, that all Neceffity of faying any Thing farther on this Head is now entirely f/ueerfeded. What at prefent remains to be feared, is, that the APPRENTICE will not make ib lively a Figure in the Clofet, as on the Stagr, where the Parts in general were allowed to be well performed j where Simon was reprefented with a Perfeaion of Folly ; where the Skill of Mr. Tat* exhibited the Impotence of a Mind, whufe Ideas extend very little beyond the Multiplication Table, and whofe Paffions are ever in a crazy Conflict, un- jLefs when they all fubfide into a fordid Love of Gain ; and where Mr. Woodward's admirable comic Genius gave fuch a Spirit to the Whole, that there is Reafon to think, whenever he relinquifb.es the Part, the Appr-ent'ue may gain elope from his Friends, without any one's defiring him to return to his Bufmefs. The Author has, however, endeavoured to ren- der-all its Defecls as excufeable as he could j and he wifhes no ftronger Criticifm could be brought a- gainft him, than the two following Obfervations, Which he thinks very fingular, and fomewhat enter- taining. " I can't, fays one, give my Opinion of the " Piece, till I have Time to confider the Depth of'tt" * Pi! fays another, this is not all hit OWN, / re- " member fame of it in other P/ays." In order to af- fift the former in his deep Refearches, and to enable the latter to make good his Charge of Plagiarifm, References are made to the feveral Plays, from which the diftempercd Hero of the Piece makes up his yi ADVERTISEMENT. his motley, but characleriftick Dialed!. The in- telligent Reader, if he thinks it worth his while to turn over thefe Leaves, will be pleafed to Remem- ber, that a Parody does not always carry with it a Burlefque on the Lines alluded to. For (as it is judicioufly remarked in a Note to Mr. Pope's Dun- ciad) " It is a common, but foolijh, Mi/lake, that a ** ludicrous Parody of a grave and celebrated PaJ/age, " is a Ridicule of that Paflage. A Ridicule indeed " there is in every Parody ; but where the Image is " transferred from one ObjtcJ to another ', there the Ri- * dicule falls not on theThing imitated, />* imitating." Thus, for Inftance, when Old Edward's Armour beams en Gibber's Breaft f, It is without Doubt an Object ridiculous enough ; but then, I think, it falls neither on old King Ed- ward, nor his Armour, but on his Armour-Bearer only. But this is prefacing a Farce, as if it were a Thing of Moment ; I {hall therefore difmifs it to the Prefs, without adding any Thing farther, ex- cept my grateful Acknowledgments for the very favourable Reception with which the Public has ho- noured the trifling Scenes of 5th Jan. 1756. a nd moft obedient Servant. ARTHUR MURPHY. f Line of Pope's in a ludicrous Account of the Co- ronation in. Henry the VHIth. PRO- PROLOGUE, Written by Mr. G A R R I C K, And fpoken by Mr. WOODWARD. 3D ROLOGUES precede the Piece in mournful *? Verfe; Jfs Undertakers walk before the Herfe ; Whofe doleful March mayjtrike the harden d Mind, And wake its Feelings -for the Dead behind. To Night nofmuggled Scenes from France we Jhow, 'Tis Englijh Englijh, Sirs! from Top to Toe. Tho* coarje the Colours, and the Hand unjktll'd, From real Life our little Cloth is fili'd. The Hero is a Youth, by Fate defign'd J For culling Simples, but whofe Stage-JJruck Mind, > Nor Fate could rule, nor his Indentures bind. j A Place there is where fuch young Quixotes meet ; "I 'Tis called the SPOUT1NG-CLUB, a glorious \ Treat! \ Where 'prentic'd Kings alarm the gaping Street ! J There Brutus Jlarts and Jf ares by midnight Taper ; Who all the DAY enacls a Woollen Draper. Thert Hamlet'j Ghojl Jlalks forth with doubl'd Fiji, 7 Cries out with hollow Volce^" Lift, Lift, OLtft !" C And frightens Denmark's Prfnce a young Tobacconift. J The Spirit too, clear' d from his deadly Wbitt -, Riles a Haberdajher tdthe Sight ! Not young Attorneys --have this Rage with/feed, * Btit change their Pens for TRUNCHEONS, Ink for \ BLOOD; And (Jlrange Reverfe /) die for their Country's Good. J To check thefe Heroes, and their Laurels crop, To bring 'em back to Reafon, and their SHOP, Our Author wrote ; O you Tom, Dick, Jack, Will ! Who hold the Ballance, or who gild the Pill ; mo viii PROLOG Iffis weild the Yard^ andfinperin? pay your Court, And at each Flour ijb, fnip an Inch toojhort / hiit not your Shops ; there Thrift and Profit call, IVhM here young Gentlemen are apt to fall I [Bell rings.] But foft !the Prompter calls /brief let me be Her Groauytu'll htar y and flyinfc Apples fee, Be damn'd, perhaps ; farewell / Remember me. Dramatis Perfonae. ^ a paffionate old Man, ' particularly fond of Money and Figures, and involun- tarily uneafy about his Son, Dick, his Son, bound to an Apothecary, and fond of going on the Stage, Gargle^ an Apothecary, Charlotte^ Daughter to Gargle, Simon, Servant to Gargle, Scotihman, Irijhman, Catchpoll, a Bailiff, Mr. YATES, Mr. WOOWARD. Mr. BURTON. Mifi MINORS. Mr. H. VAUGHAN, Mr. BLARES. Mr. JEFFERSON. Mr. VAUGHAN. Spouting-Club, Watchmen, &c. THE THE APPRENTICE, A G T I. SCENE!, Enter WINGAT E and SIMON* N W I N G A T E. AY nay, but I tell you I am conv i nce d I know it is fo, and f Friend, don't you think to trifle with me ; I know you're in the Plot, you Scoundrel, and if you don't dif- cover all, I'll Simon. Dear Heart, Sir, you won't give a Body Time. IVingaie. Zookers ! a whole Month mif- fing, and no Account of him far or near, Wounds ! 'tis unaccountable -- Look ye, Friend^ - don't you pretend - B Simon* 2 The APPRENTICE. Simon. Lord, Sir, you're fo main pafiion- ate, you won't let a Body fpeak. Wingate. Speak out then, and don't ftand ! muttering What a lubberly Fellow you are ! ha ! ha ! : Why don't you fpeak out y you Blockhead ? Simon. Lord, Sir, to be fure the Gentle- man is a fine young Gentleman, and a fweet young Gentleman but, lack-a-day, Sir, how mould I know any thing of him ? Wingate. Sirrah, I fay he could not be 'Prentice to your Mafter fo long, and you live fo long in one Houfe with him, without knowing his Haunts and all his Ways and then, Varlet, what brings you here to my Houfe fo often ? Simon. My Mafter Gargle and I, Sir, are fo uneafy about un, that I have been run- ning all over the Town fince Morning to en- quire for un ; and fo in my way, I thought I might as well call here Wingate. A Villain, to give his Father all this Trouble^ And fo you have not heard any Thing of him, Friend ? Simon. Not a Word, Sir, as I hope for Marcy ; tho', as fure as you are there, I be- lieve I can guefs what's come on un. As fure as any thing, Mafter, the Gypfies have got- ten hold on un, and we mail have un come Home as thin as a Rake, like the young Girl in the City, with living upon nothing but Crufts and Water for fix-and-twenty Days* Win.- The APPRENTICE. 3 Wingate. The Gyplies have got hold of him, ye Blockhead ! Get out of the Room Here, you Simon Simon. Sir, Wingate. Where are you going in fuch a Hurry ? Let me fee ; what muft be done? A ridiculous Numfkull, with his damned Cajfanders and Cloppatra's and Trumpery; with his Romances, and his OdyfTey Popes, and a Parcel of Rafcals not worth a Groat ; wearing Stone Buckles, and cocking his Hat ; I never wear Stone Buckles, never cock my Hat but, Zookers, I'll not put myfelf in a Paffion Simon, do you ftep back to your Mar fter, my Friend Gargle, and tell him I want to fpeak with him though I don't know what I fhould fend for him for a fly, flow, he- fitating Blockhead ! . he'll only plague me with his Phylical Cant and his Monfenfe Why don't you go, you Booby, when I bid yOU ? Simon. Yes, Sir [Exit. Wingate. This Fellow will be the Death of me at laft . I can't fleep in my Bed fome- times for him. An abfurd inflgnificant Rafcal, to ftand in his own Light ! Death and Fury, that we can't get Children, without having a Love for 'em ! I have been turmoiling for the Fellow all the Days of rny Life, and now the Scoundrel's run away Suppofe I advertife the Dog, and promife a Reward to any one that can give an Ac- count of him well, but, why fhould I throw away my Money after him ? , why, as I don't fay what Reward, I may give B 2 what 4 The APPRENTICE. what I pleafe when they come ay, but if the Villain fhould deceive me, and happen to be dead, why then he tricks me out of Two Shillings my Money's flung into the Fire Zookers, I'll not put myfelf in a Paflion let him follow his Nofe 'tis nothing at all to me what care I ? t What do you come back for, Friend ? Re-enter Simon. Simon. As I was going out, Sir, the Poft came to the Door, and brought this Letter. Wingate. Let me fee it The Gypfies have got hold of him ! ha ! ha ! what a pretty Fellow you are ! ha ! ha ! why don't you ftep where I bid you, Sirrah ! Simon. Yes, Sir. [Exit. Wingate. Well, well, Pm refolved, and it fiiall be fo I'll advertife him To-morrow Morning, and promife, if he comes home, all mall be forgiven : And when the Block- head comes, 1 may do as I pleafe ha ! ha ! I may do as I pleafe ! Let me fee : He had on -a Silver-loop'd Hat : J never liked thofe vile Silver Loops : A Silver- loop'd Hat 5 and- and SHdikins, what fignifies what he had on ? PH read my Letter, and think no more about him. Hey ! what a Plague have we here ? [mutters to bimfelf.'] Briftol a- what's all this ? " Efteemed Friend, tl Laft was 2Oth ultimo, iince none of ' thine, which will occafion Brevity. The " Rea- The APPRENTICE. $ fc Reafon of my writing to thee at prefent, *' is to inform thee that thy Son came to our " Place with a Company of Strollers, who " were taken up by the Magiftrate, and cpm- ** mitted as Vagabonds, to Jail. Zookers ! I'm glad of it a Villain of a Fellow ! Let him lie there " I am forry thy Lad mould follow fuch pro- " fane Courfes ; but out of the Efteem I " bear unto thee, I have taken thy Boy out " of Confinement, and ferit him off for your "^City in the Waggon, which left this four " Days ago. He is configned to thy Ad- < c drefs, being the needful from thy Friend *' and Servant, tf Ebteneezor Broadbrim" Wounds ! what did he take the Fejlow out for? a Scoundrel, Rafcal ! turned Stage- Player I'll never fee the Villain's Face. Who comes there ? Enter Simon, Simon. I met my Matter on the Way, Sir ; our Cares are over : Here he is, Sir. Wingate. Let him come in and do you go down Stairs, you Blockhead. [Exit Simon. Enter The APPRENTICE. Enter Gargle. Wingate. So, Friend Gargle^ Here's a fine Piece of Work Z)/vl's turned Vaga- bond ! Gargle. He muft be put under a proper Regimen directly, Sir He arrived at my Houfe within thefe ten Minutes, but in fuch a Trim ; He's now below Stairs I judged it proper to leave him there, till I had pre- pared you for his Reception. Wingate. Death and Fire ! what could put it into the Villain's Head to turn Buffoon ? Gargle. Nothing fo eafily accounted for : Why, when he ought to be reading the Dif- penfatory, there was he conftantly reading over Plays, and Farces, and Shakefpeare. Wingate. Ay, that damned Sbakefpeare!-* I hear the Fellow was nothing but a Deer- ftealer in Warwick/hire : Zookers ! if they had hanged him out of the Way, he would not now be the Ruin of honed Men's Chil- dren. But what Right had he to read Shakefpeare ! 1 never read Sbakefpeare ! Wounds! T caught the Rafcal, myfelf, read- ing that nonfenfical Play of Hamblet, where the Prince is keeping Company with Strol- lers and Vagabonds : A fine Example, Mr. Gargle ! Gargle. His Diforder is of the malignant Kind, and my Daughter has taken the In- fection from him blefs my Heart ! She was as innocent as Water-gruel, till he fpoilt her: The APPRENTICE. J her : 1 found her, the other Night, in the very Fact. Wingate. Zookers ! you don't fay fo ! caught her in the Fact ! Gargle. Ay, In the very Fact of reading a Play-book in Bed. Wingate. O, is that the Fact you mean ? Is that all ? tho' that's bad enough. Gargle. But I have done for my young Ma- dam : 1 have confined her to her Room, and locked Up all her Books. : Wingate. Look ye, Friend Gargle, I'll never fee the Villain's Face : Let him follow his Nofe and bite the Bridle. Gargle. Lenitives, Mr. Wingate Leni- tives are propereft at prefent : His Habit requires gentle Alteratives : but leave him to my Management ; about twenty Ounces of Blood, with a Cephalk Tincture, "-and he may do very well. Wingate. Where is the Scoundrel ? Gargle. Dear Sir, moderate your Auger, and don't ufe fuch harfh Language. Wingate. Harfh Language ! -Why, do you think, Man, I'd call him a Scoundrel, if 1 had not a Regard for him ? You don't hear me call a Stranger a Scoundrel. Gargle. Dear Sir, he may ftiil do very well ; the Boy has very good Sentiments, Wingate. Sentiment ! a Fig for Senti- ment ! let him get Money, and never mifs an Opportunity 1 never miffed an Op- portunity ; .got up at Five in the Morning, - ftruck a Light, made my own Jrirer worked my Finger's Ends and this Va- 7 gabond S The APPRENTICE. gabond of a Fellow is going his own Way ; with all my Heart what care I ; let him follow his Nofe, let him follow his Nofe ; a ridiculous Gargle. Ay, ridiculous indeed, Sir Why for a long Time paft, he could not converfe in the Language of common Senfe. Afk him but a trivial Queftion, and he'd give fome cramp Anfwer out of fome of his Plays that had been running in his Head, and fo there's no underftanding a Word he fays. Wingate* Zookers ! this comes of his keep- ing Company with Wits, and be damned to 'em for Wits ha ! ha ! Wits ! a fine Thing indeed ha ! ha ! 'Tis the moil beg- garly, rafcally, contemptible Thing on Earth. Gargle. And then, Sir, I have found out that he went three Times a Week to a Spout- ing-Club. Wingate. A Spouting -Club, Friend Gargle! What's a Spouting-Club ? Gargle. A Meeting of 'Prentices and Clerks and giddy young Men, intoxicated with Plays ; and fo they meet in Pablic-Houfes to act Speeches ; there they all neglect Bufinefs, de- fpife the Advice of their Friends, and think of nothing but to become Actors. Wingate. You don't fay fo! a Spouting- Club ! wounds, I believe they are all mad. Gargle. Ay, mad indeed, Sir : Madnefs is occafioned in avery extraordinary Manner, * the Spirits flowing in particular Channels. Wingate. 'Sdeath, you're as mad yourfelf as any of them. Gargle. 37ie APPRENTICE. 9 Gargle. And continuing to run in the fame Duds Wingate. Ducks ! Damn your Ducks / * Who's below there ? Gargle. The Texture of the Brain becomes diforder'd, and [Wingate walks about uneafily, and Gargle fallows'] thus, by the Preffure on the Nerves, the Head is difturbed, and fo your Son's Malady is contracted. Wingate. Who's without there ? -Don't plague me fo, Man. Gargle. But I (hall alter the morbid State of the Juices, correct his Blood, and produce laudable Chyle. - Wingate. Zookers, Friend Gargle, don't teaze me fo Don't plague me with your phyfical Nonfenfe -Who's below there ? - Tell that Fellow to come up. ~ Gargle. Dear Sir, be a little cool- In* flammatories may be dangerous. D, pray, Sir, moderate your Paffions.- Wingate. Prithee, be quiet, Man I'll try what I can do Here he comes. Enter Dick. Dick. Now, my good Father, what's the Matter ? * Wingate. So, Friend, you have been upon your Travels, have you ? You have had your Frolic ? Look-ye, young Man, I'll not put myfelf in a Paffion: But, Death and Fire, you Scoundrel, what C Righc * Hamlet. io The APPRENTICE. Right have you to plague me in this Man- ner ? Do you think I muft fall in Love with your Face, becaufe I am your Father ? Dick. A little more than Kin, and lefs than Kind. * Wingate. Ha! ha! what a pretty Figure you cut now? ha! ha! why don't you fpeak, you Blockhead ? Have you nothing to fay for yourfelf ? Dick. Nothing to fay for yourfelf ? What an old Prig it is ! Wingate. Mind me, Friend- 1 have found you out -I fee you'll never come to Good. Turn Stage-player ! Wounds ! you'll not have an Eye in your Head in a Month ha ! ha !- you'll have 'em knocked out of the Sockets with withered Apples -remember 1 tell you fo. Dick. A Critic too ! \wbtftles] Well done, old Square-toes. Wingate. Look-ye, young Man take Notice of what I fay : 1 made my own Fortune, and I could ^o the fame again. Wounds ! if I were placed at the Bottom of 'Chancery '-Lane, with a Brulh and Black- ball, I'd make my own Fortune again you read Sbakefpeare ! Get Cocker's Arith- metick you may buy it for a Shilling on any Stall beft Book that ever was wrote. Dick. Pretty well, that ; Ingenious, Faith ! Egad, the old Fellow has a pretty Notion of Letters. Wingate. " Hamleu The APPRENTICE. it Wingate. Can you tell how much is five Eighths of three Sixteenths of a Pouvd ? Five Eighths of three Sixteenths of a Pound Ay, ay, I fee you're a Blockhead : Look-ye, young Man, if you have a Mind to thrive in this World, ftudy Figures and make your- felf ufeful make yourfelf ufeful. Dick. *How weary, ftale, flat, and unprofit- able feem to me all the Ufes of this World ! Wingate. Mind the Scoundrel now. Gargk. Do, Mr. Wingate, let me fpeak to him foftly, foftly I'll touch him gently : Come, come, young Man, lay afide this fulky Humour, and fpeak as be- comes a Son. Dick, f Q Jeptba, Judge of Ifrael, what a Treafure hadft thou ! Wingate. What does the Fellow fay ? Gargle. He relents, Sir Come, come, young Man, he'll forgive. Dick. J They fool me to the Top of my Bent. Gad, I'll hum 'em, to get rid of 'em, a truant Difpofition, good my Lord : No, no, ftay, that's not right 1 have a better Speech. " || It is as you fay when " we are fober, and reflect but ever fo little " on our FolHes, we are alhamed and forry , " and yet, the very next Minute, we rufh *' again into the very fame Ablurdities." Wingate. Well faid, Lad, well faid mind me, Friend : Commanding our own Pailions, and artfully taking Advantage of other People's, is the fure Road to Wealth : Death and C 2 Fire! * Hamkt. | Ditto. f Ditto. || Sufpicious Huiband. 12 ^he APPRENTICE. Fire ! - but I won't put myfelf in a Paf- fion : -- 'Tis my Regard for you makes me fpeak ; and if I tell you you're a Scoundrel, 'tis for your Good. Dick. Without Doubt, Sir. [ftifling a ~Laugh Wingate. If you want any Thing, you fhall be provided : -- Have you any Money in your Pocket ? ha ! ha ! what a ridiculous Numfkul you are now ? ha ! ha ! Come, here's fome Money for you. [Pulls out his Money and looks at //] I'll give it to you an- other Time ; and fo you'll mind what I fay to you, and make yourfelf ufeful for the fu- ture. - - Dick. * Elfe, wherefore breathe I in a Chriftian Land ! Wingate. Zookers ! you Blockhead, you'd better flick to your Bulinefs, than turn Buf- foon, and get Truncheons broke upon your Arm, and be tumbling upon Carpets. - Dick, -j- 1 (hall in all my beft obey you, Sir. - Very well, Friend, - very well faid -- you may do very well if you pleafe ; and fo I'll fay no more to you, but make yourfelf ufeful, and fo now go and clean yourfelf, and make ready to go Home to your Bufinefs -and mind me, young Man, - -- let me fee no more Play- Books, and let me never find that you wear a lac'd Waift- coat -- you Scoundrel, what right have ypu to wear a lac'd Waiftcoat ? - -I never wore a lac'd Waiftcoat ! never wore one till * Richard III. f Hamlet, The APPRENTICE. 13 till I was Forty - But I'll not put myfelf in a Pafiion - go and change your Drefs, Friend. Dick. Ifhall, Sir - * I muft be cruel, only to be kind, Thus bad begins, but worfe remains behind,' Cocker's Arithmetick, Sir ? Wingate. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetick* ftudy Figures, and they'll carry you through the World -- Dick. Yes, Sir, [flifling a Laugh'] Cocker's Arithmetick ! [Exit. Wingate and Gargle. Wingate. Let him mind me, Friend Gargle^ and I'll make a Man of him. Gargle. Ay, Sir, you know the World. the young Man will do very well - -I wifh he were out of his Time ; he mail then have my Daughter -- Wingate. Yes, but I'll touch the Cam he fhan't finger it, during my Life. I muft keep a tight Hand over him -- [Goes to the Door.'] -- Do ye hear. Friend! - -Mind what Ifay, and go home to your Bufmefs immediately -- Friend Gargle, I'll make a Man of him. . Enter Hamlet. 14 he APPRENTICE. Enter Dick. Dick, -j- Who called on Achmet ? Did not BarbaroJJa require me here ? W'mgate* What's the Matter now? "Bar offal Wounds ! What's Saro/a ? Does the Fellow call me Names ? What makes the Blockhead ftand in fuch Confufion ? Dick. That Barbaro/a mould fufpecl my Truth! Wmgate. The Fellow's Hark flaring mad get out of the Room, you Villain, get out of the Room. [Dick Jiangs in a fallen Mood. Gargle. Come, come, young Man, every Thing is eafy, don't fpoil all again go and change your Drefs, and come Home to your Bufmefs nay, nay, be ruled by me [Thru/Is him off. Wingate. I'm very peremptory, Friend Gargle ; if he vexes me once more, I'll have nothing to fay to him well, but, now I think of it 1 have Cocker's Arithmetick below Stairs in the Counting- Houfe I'll ftep and get it fcf^ him, and fo he mall take it Home with him Friend Gargle^ your Servant. Gargle. Mr. JPingate* a good Evening to you you'll fend him Home to his Bu- fmefs Wingats. f The laft new Play called Barlarafla. The APPRENTICE. 15 Wingate. He fhall follow you Home directly. Five Eighths of three Sixteenths of a Pound ! multiply the Numerator by the Deno- minator , five times Sixteen is ten times Eight, ten times Eight is Eighty, and a a- carry One. [Exit. Enter Dick and Simon. Simon. Lord love ye, Matter > I'm fo glad you're come back come, we had as good e'en gang Home to my Matter Gargle's Dick. No, no, Simon, flay a Moment this is but a fcurvy Coat I have on and I know my Father has always fome Jemmy Thing lock'd up in his Clofet 1 know his Ways He takes 'em in Pawn, fctf he'll never part with a Shilling without Se- curity. Simon. Hufh ! he'll hear us ftay, I be- lieve he's coming up Stairs. Dick. [Goes to the Door and liftens.'} No, no, no, he's going down, growling and grumbling ay, fay ye fo " Scoundrel, " Rafcal Let him bite the Bridle" " Six " times Twelve is Seventy-two" all's fafe Man, never fear him Do you ftand here I fhall difpatch this Bufmefs in a Crack. Simon. Bleffings on him ! what is he about now ? why the Door is locked, Matter. Dick. Ay, but I can eafily force the Lock you fhall fee me do it as well as any Sir John Brute of 'cm all this right Leg here is the 8 beft 16 The APPRENTICE. beft Lockfmith in England fo, fo, [forces the Door and goes in.~] Simon. He's at his Plays again Odds my Heart, he's a rare Hand he'll go through with it, I'll warrant him Old Cojer muft not fmoke that I have any Concern I muft be main cautious Lord blefs his Heart, he's to teach me to act Scrub. He begun with me long ago, and I got as far as the Jefuit before a went out of Town : " * Scrub Coming, Sir, Lord, Ma'am, " I've a whole Packet full of News fome cc fay one Thing and fome fay another ; but, " for my Part, Ma'am, 1 believe he's a " Jefuit" that's main pleafant " I believe " Ms a Jefuit:' Re-enter Dick. Dick, f I have done the Deed Didft thou not hear a Noife ? Simon. No, Matter ; we're all fnug. Dick. This Coat will do charmingly I have bilked the old Fellow nicely Jin a dark Corner of his Cabinet, I found this Pa- per ; what it is the Light will mew. I promife to pay ha ! I promife to pay to Mr. Moneytrap? or Or* der, on Demand '/M his Hand a Note of bis -yet more The Sum of feven Pounds fourteen Shillings and Seven Pence, Value received, by me London this i$thjune t 1755. . *Tis want- ing what ihould follow bis Name mould fol- * Stratagem, f Macbeth. J Fide the Mourning Bride. The APPRENTICE. 17 follow but 'cis torn off becaufe the Note is paid. Simon. OLud! Dear Sir, you'll fpoil all I wi(h we were well out of the Houfe Our bed Way, Mailer, is to make off directly. Dick. I will, I will ; but firft help me on with this Coat Simon, you fhall be my Dreffer you'll be fine and happy behind the Scenes. Simon. O Lud ! it will be main pleafant I have been behind the Scenes in the Country, when I liv'd with the Man that fhew'd wild Beaftices. Dick. Hark-ye, Simon, when I am playing fome deep Tragedy, and * cleave the general Ear with horrid Speech, you muft ftand be- tween the Scenes and cry bitterly. [Teaches him. Simon. Yes, Sir. Dick. And when I'm playing Comedy, you muft be ready to laugh your Guts out [Reaches him.] for I fhall be very pleafant Tolde- roll [Dances.] Simon. Never doubt me, Sir. Dick. Very well ; now run down and open the Street-Door j I'll follow you in a Crack. Simon. I am gone to ferve you, Matter Dick, f To ferve theyfelf for, look-ye, Simon, when I am Manager, claim thou of me the Care o'th' Wardrobe, with all thofe Moveables, whereof the Property-Man now Hands poffeib D Simon. Hamlet. f Richard III. The Property- Man, in the Play- Houfe Phrafe, is the Perfon who gives Truncheons, Daggers, &c. to the A&ors, as Occalion requires. iS T7/? APPRENTICE. Simon. O Lud ! this is charming Hum ! I am gone. [Going. Dick. Well, hut hark-ye, Simon, come hi- ther * what Money have you about you, Matter Matthew? Simon. But a Tefter, Sir. Dick. A Tefter ! That's fomething of the kaft, Mafter Matthew, let's fee it. S'nt.on. You have had fifteen Sixpences now Dick. Never mind that Til pay you all at my Benefit Simon. I don't doubt that, Mafter but muni. [*//. Dick, folus. f Thus far we run before the Wind.- An Apochecary ! make an Apothecary of me ! J what, cramp my Genius over a Peftle and Mortar, or mew me up in a Shop with an Alligator ftuft, and a beggarly Account of empty Boxes ! to be culling Simples, and conftantly adding to the Bills of Mortality. No! no! It will be much better to be pafted up in Capitals, The Part of Romeo by a young Gentleman, who never c.-ppeared en ar.y Stage before ! My Am- biticn fires at the Thought But hold, mayn't 1 run fome Chance of failing in * Every Man in his Humour. f Richard III. j J'tdt Romeo and Julie:. The APPRENTICE. 19 in my Attempt Rifled, Pelted, Laughed at, Not admitted into the Green- Room That will never do * Down, bufy Devil, down, down. Try it again. Loved by the Women, envied by the Men, applauded by the Pit, clapped by the Gallery, admired by the Boxes. " Dear Colonel, is not " he a charming Creature ?" " My Lord, " don't you like him of all Things ?" Makes Love like an Angel !" What " an Eye he has! fine Legs!" " I'll certainly go to his Benefit." Ce- leftial Sounds ! And then I'll get in with all the Painters, and have myfelf put up in every Print-Shop in the Character of Macbeth ! " This is a forry Sight." \ftands an Attitude.] In the Character of Richard [Give me another Horfe, bind up my Wowids.~\ this will do rarely and then I have a Chance of getting well married O glorious Thought ! f By Heaven I will enjoy it, though but in Fancy But, what's o'Clock ? it muft be almoft Nine. I'll away at once ; this is Club-night.- 'Egad I'll go to 'em for a while the Spouters are all met little they think I'm in Town they'll be furprized to fee me Off I go, and then for my Af~ fignation with my Mafter Gargle's Daughter Poor Charlotte I (lie's lock'd up, but I mall find Means to fettle Matters for her Efcape She's a pietty Theatrical D 2 Genius * Venice Preferv'd. f Tamerlane. 20 The APPRENTICE. Genius- If fhe flies to my Arms like a Hawk to its Perch, it will be fo rare an Ad- venture, and fo Dramatic an Incident \ * Limbs do your Office, and fupport me well; Bear me but to her, then fail me if you can. * The Orphan. E ND of the FIRST ACT. ACT The APPRENTICE. 21 ACT II. SCENE I, ' Stem difcovers the Spouting-Club, the Members feated and roaring out Bravo, fome coughing, &c. id. Watchman. What's the Matter there ? i/?. Watchman. Here are the Difturbers of the Peace 1 charge 'em all Dick. || Unmanner'd Slave, advance your Halbm higher than my bread, or by St. Paul, I'll ftrike thee down, and fpurn thee, Beggar, for this Infolence [They fight, Dick is knocked down. Exeunt Watchmen fighting the reft. Dick. ** 1 have it-, it will do; 'Egad, I'll make my Efcape now O I am For- tune's Fool [Exit. Re- * Romeo. f Macbeth. J Much ado about Nothing. Macbeth. j| Richard. ' Romeo. , ) >ur Skill / 'it below. J Enter Bailiff and his Follower. Bailiff. That's he yonder, as fure as you're alive Ay,, it is and he has been about fome Mifchief here. Follower. No, no, that an't he that one wears a laced Coat tho* I can't fay as fure as a Gun, it is he Bailiff. Ay, I fmoked him at once Do you run that Way and flop at the Bottom of Ca- * Old Batchelor. f Vide Diilrefs'd Mother. The APPRENTICE. 33 Catherine -Street \ I'll go up Drury'Lane, and between us both, it will be odds if we mite him. [Exeunt. Enter Watchman. Watch. Paft Six a Clock, and a cloudy Morning. Hey-day! what's here, a Lad- der, at Matter Gargle's Window ? 1 muft alarm the Family Ho ! Matter Gargle [Knocks at the Door< Gargle^ above. What's the Matter ? How comes this Window to be open ? ha ! a Ladder ! Who's below there ? i/. Watch. I hope you an* t robbed, Mafter Gargle? As I was going my Rounds, I found your Window open. Gargle. I fear this is fome of that young Dog's Tricks Take away the Ladder j I mutt enquire into all this. [Exit. Enter Simon, like Scrub. Simon. * Thieves ! Murder ! Thieves ! Popery ! Watch. What's the Matter with the Fellow ? Simon. Spare all I have, and take my Life Watchman. Any Mifchief in the Houfe ? Simon. They broke in with Fire and Sword they'll be here this Minute Five and Forty 'This wiil do charmingly *' my young Mafter taught me this.' 1 [AJide. F i/, * Vidt Stratagem. 34 *fhe APPRENTICE. ift. Watchman. What, are there Thieves in the Houfe ? . Simon. With Sword and Piftol, Sir, Five and-Fcrty. Watch. Nay, then 'tis Time for me to go, for, mayhap, I may come to ha' the worft on't [Exit Watchman Enter Gargle. Gargle. Dear Heart ! dear Heart flic's pone, fhe's gone my Daughter ! my Daughter! what's the Fellow in fuch a Fright for ? Simon. Down on your Knees down on your Marrowbones (this will make him think, I know nothing of the Matter Bids his Heart for teaching me) Down on your Marrowbones. Gargle. Get up, you Fool, get up . Dear Heart, I'm all in a Fermentation. Enter Wingate reading a News-Paper. " Wanted, on good Security, Five hundred * Pounds, for which lawful Intereft will be " given, and a good Premium allowed : " Whoever this may fuit, Enquire for S. T. 4t at the Crown and Rolls in Chancery -Lane" This may be worth looking after. I'll have a good Premium If the Fellow's a Fool, I'll x my Eye on him Other People's Follies are an Eftate to the Man that knows how to make himfelf ufeful So, Friend Gargle^ you're up early, I fee nothing like rifing early *Ihe APPRENTICE. 35 early nothing to be got by lying in Bed, like a lubberly Fellow What's the Matter with you? ha! ha! you look like a ha! ha! Gargle. O no Wonder My Daughter, my Daughter ! Wingate. Your Daughter! what fignifies a foolifh Girl ? Gargle. Oh dear Heart ! dear Heart ! out of the Window. Wingate. Fallen out of the Window ! well, fhe was a Woman, and 'tis no Matter if (he's dead, (he's provided for. Here, I found the Book could not meet with it lad Night Here it is there's more Senfe in it, than in all their Macbetbs and their Trumpery [reads] Cocker's Arithmetic'^ Look yc here now, Friend Gargle ', fuppofe you have the Sixteenth Part of a Ship, and I buy one Fifth of you, what Share of the Ship do I buy ? Gargle. Oh dear, Sir, 'tis a melancholy Cafe . Wingatt. A melancholy Cafe indeed to be fo ignorant why (hould not a Man know every Thing ? One Fifth of one Six- teenth, what Part have I of the Whole ? Let me fee I'll do it a Ihort Way. Gargale. Loft beyond Redemption. Wingate. Zookers, be quiet Man, you put me out Seven times Seven is Forty-nine, and Six times Twelve is Seventy-two, and and and a Here, Friend Gargle^ take the Book, and give it. that Scoundrel of a Fellow. F 2 Gargle 36 The APPRENTICE. Gargle. Lord, Sir, He's returned to his Tricks. Wingate. Returned to his Tricks ! What, broke loofe again ? Gargle. Ay, and carried off my Daughter with him. Wingate. Carried off your Daughter How did the Rafcal contrive that ? Gargle. Oh, dear Sir, ^-the Watch alarmed us a while ago, and I found a Ladder at the Window fo I fuppofe my young Madam made her Efcape that Way. Wingate. Wounds ! what Bufinefs had the Fellow with your Daughter ? Gargle. I wifh I had never taken him into my Houfe He may debauch the poor Girl Wingate. And fuppofe he does (he's a Woman, an't (he ? Ha ! ha ! Friend Gar- gle, Ha! ha I Gargle. Dear Sir, how can you talk thus to a Man diftrafted ? Wingate. I'll never fee the Fellow's Face. Simon. Secrets ! Secrets ! * Wingate. What, arc you in the Secret, Friend ? Simon. To be fure, there be Secrets in all Families but, for my Part, I'll not fpeak a Word pro or con, till there's a Peace. Wingale. You won't fpeak, Sirrah ! Ffl make you fpeak Do you know nothing of thisNumfkull ? Simon. Who I, Sir ? He came home laft Night from your Houfe, and went out again diredly. Wingati. * Vide Stratagem. z The APPRENTICE. 37 Wingate. You faw him then Simon. Yes, Sir faw him to be Cure, Sir- he made me open the Shop Door for him he ftopp'd on the Threfhold and pointed at one of the Clouds, and afked me if it was not like an Ouzel *? Wingate. Like an Ouzel Wounds ! what's an Ouzel? Gargle. And the young Dog came back in the Dead of Night to fteal away my Daughter. Wingate. I'll tell you what, Friend Gargle Fll think no more of the Fellow let him bite the Bridler I'ligo mind my Bufinefs, and not mifs an Opportunity. Gargle. Good now, Mr. Wingate^ don't leave me in this Affliction, conlider, when the animal Spirits are properly employed, the whole Syftem's exhilarated, a proper Circu- lation in the fmaller Duels or Capillary Vef- Wingate. Look-ye there now the Fellow's at his Ducks again, ha ! ha ! Gargle. But when the Spirits are under In- fluence Wingate. Ha ! ha ! what a fine fellow you are now ? you're as mad with your phyfical Nonfenfe, as my Son with his Sbakefyeare and Ben Tbompfon Gargle. Dear Sir, let us go in queft of him he {hall be well phlebotomized $ and for the future I'll keep his Solids and Fluids in proper Balance Wingate. Don't tell me of your Solids } tell you he'll never be folid and fo I'll go and * Hamlet. " .38 The APPRENTICE. and mind my Bufinefs- Jet we fee where is this Chap [reads] ay, ay, at the Crown and Rolls god Morning, Friend Car- die* don't plague yourfelf about the Num- fkull ftudy Fractious Man ; Vulgar Frac- tions will carry you through the World, Arith- metical Proportion is when the Antecedent and Confequent, a [gMg* Enter a Porter. Wbg&te. Who are you, pray ? what do you want ? . Pcrter. Is one Mr. Gargle here ?. Gargle. Yes who wants him ? Pcrter. Here's a Letter for you ? Gargle. Let me fee it. O dear Heart! [reads] I'o Mr. Gargle at the Pejile and Mortar ~ 'Slidikins, this is a Letter from that un- fortunate young Fellow Wingc.te. Let me fee it, Gargle Gargle. A Moment's Patience, good Mr. Wingete* and this may unravel all [reads'] Poor young Man ! his Brain is certainly turned 1 can't make Head or Tale of it- Wingatc. Ha ! ha ! you're a pretty Fel- low give it me, Man I'll make ic out for you 'tis his Hand fure enough [reads'] To Mr. Gargle, fcfr. Pit have Pity fee how I'm difmafd! -> Poor Soul ! this canting Stuff" will never do^ Un/efs t like Bayes^ he brings his Hangman too. But granting that from thefe fame Obfequies t Some Pickings to our Bard in Black arife ; Should your Applaufe to Joy convert his Fear t As Pallas turns to Feajl Lardella's Bier; Yet 'twould have been a better Scheme by half T'kave thrown his Weeds afide y and learnt with me to laugh. 1 could have Jhewn him y had he been inclined, y? fpouting Junto of the Female Kind. There dwells a Milliner in yonder Row, Jf^ell drefs'd, full voic'd^ and nobly built for Shew 9 Who^ when in Rage, Jhe fcolds at Sue and Sarah, Damn'd, Damn'd Dillembler ! thinks Jhe s more than ZARA. /> has a Daughter too that deah in Lace, -^ Andfmgs O ponder well and Chevy Chafe, A ad fain would fill the fair Ophelia'^ Place. S And EPILOGUE. And In her c ock'd up Hat, andGownofCamblet, Prefumes on fomething touching the Lord Hamlet. A Coufin too Jhe has, with fquinting Eyes, With wadllng Gait, and Voice like London Cries; IVho, for the Stage too Jhort by half a Story, Atts Lady Townly thus in all her Glory. And, while Jhe's traverfing the fcanty Room, Cries *' Lord, my Lord, what can I do at home !" In Jhort, there' e Girls enough for all the Fellows, 1 The Ranting, IVhming, Starting, and the 'Jealous, The Hotfpurs, Romeos, Hamlets, and Othetlos. J Oh ! tilth do thofe filly People know, IVhat dreadful Trials Aclors undergo. Myfdf' tf ho mojl in Harmony delight, Am fcolding here jrom Morning until Night. Then take Advice from me, ye giddy Things, Te Royal Milliners, ye apron' d Kmgs ; Young Men beware, and. flrun our Jlipp'ry Ways, Study Arithmetic, and burn your Plays ; And you, ye Girls, let not our Tinfet Train Enchant your Eyes, and turn your maddening Brain j Be timely wife, for oh ! be fure of this ! A Shop with Virtue is tht Height of Blifs. FINIS. THE UPHOLSTERER, R, What NEWS? v A FARC E, In TWO ACTS. As it is Performed at the THEATRE- ROYAL 1 N COVENY-GARD'EN. With ALTERATIONS and ADDITIONS. . O Bone (nam ie Sfire, Deos quoniam fropius contiagis, (pportef) Num quid de Dads audijli. ? By Mr. MURPHY. The SECOND EDITION. LONDON: Printed for P. VAILLANT, facing SQutkampion-Street, in the Strand. MDCCLXV. [ Price One Shilling, ] . PROLOGUE. TITHE N firjii in falling Greece'^ evil Hour, Ambition aimd at univerfal Powr ; When the fierce Man of Vlacedon began Of a new Monarchy to form the Plan ; Each Greek (asfamd Demoflhenes relates) Politically mad I woud rave of States ! And helped to form, where'er the Mob could meet y An Areopagus in eifry Street. What News, what News ? was their eternal cry ; * Is Philip/:^/ * then foard their Spirits high, I Philip is well ! Dejeftion in each Eye. J Athenian Callers join* din deep Debate, While Gold in ffcret 'undermined the State; Till Wifdoms Bird the Vultur's Prey zvas made ^ And the Sword g>eanid in Academus' Shade. Now modern Philips threaten this our Land, What fay Britannia** 1 Sons? along the Strand What News ? ye cry with the fame PaJJionfmit 5 And there at leaji you rival Attic Wit. A Parliament of Porters here Jkall mufe On Jlate Affairs u fwalfwing a Taylor's News?' For Ways and Means no Jlarv'd Projector Jleeps j And ev'ry Shop fame mighty Statefman keeps j He Britain'* foes, like Bobadil, can kill; Supply tlf EXCHEQUER, and negleft his Till. In evry Ale-houfe Legijlators meet ; And Patriots fettle Kingdoms in the Fleet. * Vide thefirft Philippic. PROLOGUE. Tojhew thisphrenzy in its genuine Light, A modern Newfmonger appears to Night ; Trick' d out from Addifon'j accompliflfd Page, Behold! th' Upholfterer afcends the Stage. No Minijier fuch Trials e'er hath flood; He turns a BANKRUPT for the public Good! Undone himfelf, yet full fl/EngfandV Glory ! A Politician ! neither IVhig nor Tory Nor can ye high or low the Quixote call; " He's Knight o'th' Shire, and reprefents yt alt." As for the Bard^ to you he yields his Plan; For well he knows ^ you re candid where ye can. One only praife he claims^ no Party-Jlroke Here turns a public Character to joke. 'His Panacasa is for all Degrees^ For all have more or lefs of this Difeaft. Whatever his Succefs, of this he's Jure, Thtre's Merit even to attempt the Cure, PLAYS Printed for PAUL VAILLANT, facing Southampton- Street, in the STRAND. By ARTHUR MURPHY, Efq; The Apprentice, a Farce in 2 Afts. The Orphan of China, a Tragedy in 5 Afts. The Way to Keep him, a Comedy in 5 Afts. The Defert Ifland, in 3 Als. All in the Wrong, a Comedy in 5 Afts. The Old Maid, a Comedy in 2 Ads. No One's Enemy but his Own, a Comedy in 5 Afts. What we muft all come to, a Comedy in 2 A&s. The Lying Valet, a Comedy in 2 Als, by DavM Garrick, Efq; Lethe, a Dramatic Satire, in 2 Afts, by David Garrick, Efq; Lilliput, a Dramatic Entertainment, in 2 Afts/ The Male Coquette, or Seventeen Hundred and Fifty- Seven, in 2 Acts. By SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq; The Knights, a Comedy in 2 Ads. The Englifhman in Paris, a Comedy in 2 Acts. The Englifhman retarn'd from Paris, a Farce in 2 Ad*. The Mayor of Garrett, a Comedy in 2 Acts. Regulus, a Tragedy, by Mr. Havard. Where may be had, a NEW EDITION of CHESS ANA- LYSED : or Injiruftions by -which a perfeQ knowledge of this NOBLE GAME may in a Jhort time be acquired. By A. D. PHILIDOR. Likewife, a very great Choice of fingle Plays in French, both Tragedies and Comedies, by the moll eminent Au- thors. Dramatis Perfonae. M E N. QUIDNUNC, the Upholfterer, Mr. DUNSTALL. PAMPHLET, Mr. SHUTER RAZOR, a Barber, Mr. WOODWARD. FEEBLE, Mr. HAYES. BELLMOUR, Mr. WHITE. ROVEWELL, Mr. DAVIS. CODICIL, a Lawyer, * BRISK, Watchman, Mr. WELLER. WOMEN. HARRIET, Mifs MILLER. TERMAGANT. Mifs ELLIOT. - Maid to FEEBLE, Mifs COCKAYNE. * For the fake of Brevity, Codicil'* Scene is omitted in the Re* prefentation, as are likewift a few fajages in tbefeconddfi. ** k to**cpv**c<' * t> # # uf t * THE UPHOLSTERER, OR, What NEWS? +*U< Si "ah ' Rogue ! Villain ! I'll teach you, I will, you Rafcal, to fpeak irreverently of her I love. BRISK. As I am a Sinner, Sir, I only meant BELL. Only meant ! You could not mean it, Jackanapes, you had no Meaning, Booby,. BRISK. 2 be UPHOLSTERER; BRISK. Why, no, Sir, -that's the very Thing, Sir, I had no Meaning. BELL. Then Sirrah, I'll make you know yonr Meaning for the future. BRISK. Yes, Sir, to be Cure, Sir, and yet upon my Word if you would be but a littie cool, Sir, you'd find I am not much to blame Befides Mafter, you can't conceive the good it would do your Health, if you will but keep your Temper a little.- , BELL. Mighty well, Sir, give your Advice. BRISK. Why really now this fame Love hath metamorphofed us both very flrangely, Mafter, for to be freej here have we been at this Work thefe fix Weeks, ftark- ftaring mad inLt,ve with a Couple of Baggages not worth a Groat, and yet Heav'n help us ! they have as much Pride as comes to the Share of a Lady of Quality before fte has been caught in the Fa& with a handfome yonng Fellow, or indeed after fhe has been caught, for that Matter.. BELL. You won't have done Rafcal BRISK. In fhort, my young Miftrefs- and her Maid have as much Pride and Poverty as as no matter what, they have the Devil and all, when at the fame Time every Body knows the old broken Upholfterer Mifs Harriet's Father, mi^ht give us all he has in the World, and not eat the worie Pudding on a Sunday for it. BELL. Impious, execrable Atheift ! What detract from Hea- ven ! I'll reform your Notions, I will you faucy [beats him. BRISK. Nay, but my dear Sir ! a little Patience,- not fo hard Enter Or, What NEWS? 3 Enter RoVEWELt. ROVE. . Bellmiur your Servant, what at Loggerheads with my old Friend 'Er'ijk. BELL. Confufion ! Mr. Rovewell your Servant, this is your doing, Hang-dog. J ac k Rovewell I am glad to fee thee. ROVE. Bri/k ufed to be a good Servant, he has not been tampering with any of his Matter's Girls, has he ? BELL. Do you know Rovewell that he has had the Impudence to talk detra&irigly and profanely of my Miftrefs ? . BRISK. For which Sir, I have fuffered inhumanly and moft un- chriftian-like, I allure you. BELL. Will you leave prating, Booby ? ROVE. Well, but Bellmour, where does {he live ? I'm but juft arrived you know, and I'll go and beat up her Quarters. BELL. [Half afide.} Beat up her: Quarters ! (looks at him f?nitingly, then half afide.} Favours to none\ to all Jhe f mites extends , Oftjhe rejefis, but never once offends. [ftands mufing.'] ROVE. Hey ! What, fallen into a Reverie ! Prithee Bri/k what does all this mean ? BRISK. Why, Sir, you muft know I am over Head and Ears in Love.' ROVE. But I mean your Mafter ; what ails him ? BRISK. That's the very Thins; I'm going to tell you Sir, as I iid, Sir, I am over Head and Ears in Love with a B whim- 4 the U P H O.L S T E R E R , whtmfical, queer kind of a Piece, here in the Neigh* bourhood, and fo nothing can ferve my Matter, but he muft fall in Love with her Miftrefs, look at him now Sir, [Bellmour continues mufing and muttering to himfelf.'] ROVE. Ha, ha, ha, Poor BeHmour y I pity thee with all my Heart [Strikes him on the Shoulder, then ludicrott/ly repeats. J Te Guds annihilate both Space and Time y And make two Lovers happy. BELL. My dear Rovewell, fuch a Girl, ten Thoufand Cupids play about her Mouth, you Rogue. * ROVE. Ten Thoufand Pounds had better play about her Poc- ket. What Fortune has (he ? BRISK. Heaven help us, not much to crack of. BELL. Not much to crack of Mr. Brazen, prithee Rovewell, how can you be fo ungenerous as to afk fuch a Queftion ? You know I don't mind Fortune, though by the way (he has an Uncle who is determined to fettle very handfome- ly upon her ; and on the Strength of that, does fhe give herfelf innumerable Airs. ROVE. Fortune not to be minded ! I'll tell you what BeUmour, tho' you have a good one already, there's no kind of In- convenience in a little more. I'm fure if I had not minded Fortune, I might have been in Jamaica fti J, not worth a Sugar-Cane ; but the Widow Moloffes took a Fancy to me j Heaven, or a worfe Deftiny has taken a Fancy to her, and fo after ten Years Exile, and being turn'd a-drift by my Father, here am I again a warm Planter, and a Widower, moft woefully tired of Matri- mony ; but my dear Bellmour we were both fo over- joy'd to meet one another yelterday Evening, juft as I ar- rived in Town, that I did not hear a Syllable from you of your Love Fit : How, when s and where did this happen ? BELL. Or, What NEWS? BELL. Oh ! by the moft fortunate Accident that ever was, I'll tell thee Rovewell; I was going one Night from theTavern about fix Weeks ago, I had been there with a Parcel of Blades whofe only Joy is center'd in their Bottle, and faith till this Accident I was no better my- felf, but ever fmce I am grown quite a new Man. ROVE. Ay, a new Man indeed ! Who in theName O f Won- der would take thee, funk as thou art into a mufing, moping, melancholy Lover, for the gay Charles Bellmour whom I knew in the Weft Indies ? BEL L. Poh, that is not mentioned ! you know my Father took me againft my Will from the Univerfity, and con- figned me over to the academic Difcipline of a Man of War; fo that to prevent a Dejedion of Spirits, 1 was oblig'd to run into theoppofite Extreme, as you your- felf were wont to do. ROVE. Why, yes, I had my Moments of Reflection, and was glad to diflipate them You know I always told you there was fomething extraordinary in my Story ; and fo there is ftill, I fuppofe it muft be cleared up in a few Days now I'm in no hurry about it tho'; I muft fee the town a little this Evening, arid have my Frolick firft. But to the Point Eellmour^ you was going from the Tavern you fay. BELL. Yes, Sir, about two in the Morning, and I perceived an unufual Blaze in the Air, I was in a rambling Hu- mour, and fo refolved to know what it was. BRISK. I and my Mafter went together, Sir. BELL. Oh ! Rovewell! my better Stars ordain'J it to light me on to Happinefs ; by fure Attraction led, I came to the very Street where a Houfe was on Fire ; Water-Engines playing, Flames afcending, all Hurry, Confufion, and DHtrels ; when on a fudden the Voice of Defpair, Sil- ver fweet, came thrilling down to my very Heart j poor B 3 dear 6 'The UPHOLSTERER ; dear, little Soul, what can (he do, cried the Neighbours ? Again (he fcream'd, the Fire gathering Force, and gain- ing upon her every Inliant; here Ma'am faid I, leap in-. to mv Arms, I'll be fure to receive you j and wou'd you think it ? down (he came, my dear Rovewe.l, luch a Girl ! I caught her in my Arms you Ro^ue, fate, without Harm. The dear naked Penus, jufr. rifen from her Bed, my Boy,- -ner flender Waiil Ravewell, the downy Smoothnefs of her whoie Per Ion, and her Limbs 4< harmonious, fwell'd by Nature's fofteil Hand."- ? ROVE. Raptures, and Paradife I-^-What Seraglio in Covent- Garden did you cairy her to ? BELL. There a^ain now ! Do, prithee correct your Way of Thinking, take a quantum fufficit or virtu ms Love, and purify your Ideas. Her lovely Baflifulnefs, her delicate Fears, her Beauty heighten'd and endear'd by Dittrefs, difpers'd my wildefl Thought', and melted me intj Ten- dernefs and Refpedt. ROVE. But Bellmour t furely (he has not the Impudence to be modeft after you have had Poffeflion of her Perfon. BELL. My Views are honourable 1 aflure you, Sir; but her Father is fa a'afurdly pofitive The Man's diftrafted, about the Balance of Power, and will give his Daughter to none but a Politician When there was an Execution in his Houfe, he thought of nothing but the Camp at Pyrna, and now he's a Bankrupt, his Head runs upon the Ways and Means, and Schemes for paying off the nation- al Debt : The Affairs of Europe engrofs all his Attention, while the Diftreffes of his lovdy Daughter pafs unnoticed. ROVE. Ridiculous enough ! But why do you mind him? Why don't you go to Bed to the Wench at once ? Take her into Keeping Man. . ,<%EL L. How can you talk fo affiontinglyof her ."Have not I told Or, What NEWS? 7 told you tho' her Father is ruin'd, ftill fhe has great Ex- peftancies from a rich Relation? ROVE. Then what do you ftand watering at the Mouth for ? If (lie is to have Money enough to pay for her China, her Gaming Debts, her Dogs, and her Monkeys, marry her then, if you needs muft be enfnar'dj be in a Fool's Paradiie for a Honey-Moon, then come to yourfelf, won- der at what you've done, and mix with honeft Fellows again ; carry her oft" I fay, and never ftand whining for the Father's Confent. BELL. Carry her off! I like the Scheme, will you aflift me ? ROVE. No, no, there I beg to be excus'd. Don't you re- member what the Satyrift fays, " Never marry while " there's a Halter to be had for Money, or a Bridge to " afford a convenient Leap." BELL. Prithee leave Fooling. Ro v E. I am in ferious Earneft I afTure you; I'll drink with you, game with you, go into any Scheme or Frolic with you, but war Matrimony. Nay, if you'll come to the Tavern this Evening, I'll drink your Miftrefs's Health in a Bumper; but as to your conjugal Scheme, I'll have nothing to do with that Bufinefs pofitively.' BELL. Well, well, I'll take you at your Word, and meet you at ten exadlly at the fame Place we weie at laft Night; then and there I'll let you know what further Meafures I've concerted. ROVE. Till then, farewel, a-ptopos, do you know that I've feen none of my Relations yet? BELL. Time enough To-morrow. ROVE. Ay, ay, To-morrow will do, well, your Servant. [Exit Rovewell. S tte UPHOLSTERER* BELL. Rovnuelly yours, fee the Gentleman down Starrs, and d'ye hear, come to me in my Study that I may give you a Letter to Harriet, and hark ye, Sir, Be fure you kt Harriet yourfelf; and let me have no MefTages from that officious Go-between, her Mrs. Slipjlop of a Maid, with her unintelligible Jargon of hard Words, of which (he neither knows the Meaning nor Pronun- ciation. (Exit Brifk.) I'll write to her this Moment, ac- quaint her with the foft Tumult of my Defires, and, if pof- fible, make her mine this very Night. [Exit repeating* Lave fir ft taught Letters for fame Wretch's Ald^ Some baniftfd Lover ^ or jome captive Maid. SCENE The Upholfterer's Houfe. Enter HARRIET and T E R M A c A NT. TERM. WELL, but Ma'am, he has made Love to you fix Weeks fuccefifutty ; he has been as conftant in his 'Moon poor Gentleman, as if you had the Subverfeon of 'State to fettle upon him and if he flips thro* your Fin- gers, now Ma'am, you have nobody to depute it to but yourfelf. HAR. Lard Termagant^ how you run on ! I tell you again and again my pride was touched, becaufe he feemed to pre- fume on his Opulence, and my Father's Diftrefles. TER. La, Mifs Harriet t how can you \stfo paradropjicalin your 'Pinions ? HAR. Well, but you know tho' my Father's Affairsare ruin'd I am not in fodefperatea Way ; confider my Uncle's For- tune is no Trifle, and I think that ProfpecT: intitles me to give myfelf a few Airs before I refign my Perfon. TER. I grant ye Ma'am, you have very good Pretenfions ; but then it's waiting for dead Men's Shoes : 1'Jl venture to be perjur'd Mr. Bellmour ne'er difdaimd an Idear of your Father's Diftrefs. HAR. Or, What NEWS? 9 HAR. Suppofing that. TERM. / Suppofe Ma'am I know it difputabb to be fo. HAR. Indifputably I guefs you mean j but I'm tired of wrangling with you about Words. TERM. By my troth you're in the right on't ; there's ne'er a (he in all Q&iEngland^ (as your Father calls it) is Miftrefs of fuch pbifijlogy, as I am. Incertain I am, as how you does not know nobody that puts their Words together with fuch a Curacy as myfelf. I once lived with a M.ijlus^ Ma'am, M'lftus ! She was a Lady a great Brewer's Wife ! and /he wore as fine Cloaths as any ^erlon of Quality, let her get up as early as fhe will and (lie ufed to call me Tarmagant, fays fhe, What's the Signifi- cation of fuch a Word -and I always told her I told her the Importation of all my Words, though i could not help laughing, Mifs Harriet^ to fee fo fine a Lady, fuch a downright Ignor -animus. HAR. Well, but pray now Tarmagant, would you have me directly upon being afked the Queftiun, throw myfelf into the Arms of a Man ? TER w. O'my Confcience you did throw yourfelf into his Arms with fcarce a Shift on, that's what you did. HAR. Yes, but that was a Leap in the Dark, when there was no Time to think of it. TERM. Well, it does not fignify Argifying, I wifli we were both warm in Bed ; you with Mr. Bellmotcr, and I with his Coxcomb of a Man ; inftead of being manured here with an old crafy Fool axing your pardon Ma'am, for calling your Father fo but he is a Fool, and the worft of Fools with his Policies when his Houfe is full of Statues of Bangcrejjy. HAR jo The UPHOLSTERER; HAR. It's too true Tarmagant, yet he's my Father ftill,2nd I can't help loving him. TERM. Fiddle faddleiLove him ! he's an Anecdote againft Love. HAR. Hufli ! here he comes ! TERM. No, it's your Uncle Feeble^ poor Gentleman, I pity'S him, eaten up with Infirmaries^ to be taking fuch pains with a iMadman. Enter FEEBLE. HAR. Well Uncle, have you been able to confole him ? I FEEB. He wants no Confolation Child, lackaday, I'm fo infirm I can hardly move. I found him tracing in the Map, Prince Charles of Lorraine' Paffage over the Rhine, and comparing it with Juius C&far's. TERM. An old Blockhead I've no Patience with him with his Fellows coming after him every Hour in the Day with News. Well now I wifties there was no fuch a Thing as a News-paper in the World, with fuch a Pack of Lies, and fuch a deal of Jab- jab every Day. FEEB. Ay, there were three or four ftiabby Fellows with him when I went'into his Room I can't get him to think of appearing before the Commiffioriers To-morrow, to dif- clofe his Effects ; but Pil fend my Neighbour Counfellor Codicil to him, don't be dejected Harriet, my poor Sifter, your Mother was a good Woman ; I love you for her fake, Child, and all I am worth fhall be yours But I muft be going, I find myfelf but very ill ; good Night, Harriet , good Night. [Exit Feeble, HAR. You'll give me leave to fee you to the Door, Sir. [Exit Harriet. Or, What NEWS? 1 1 TERM. O' my Conference this Matter of mine within here, might have piclc'd up his Crums as well as Mr. Feeble^ if he had any Idear of his bufmefs, I'm fu.re if I had not hopes from Mr. Feeble, I fhould not tarry in this Houfe By my Troth, if all who have nothing to fay to the 'fairs of the Nation, would mind their own Bufmefs, and thofe who ftiould take care of our 'fairs, would mindth irBufl- nefs too, I fancy poor old England (as they call it) would fare the better among 'em This old crazy Pate within here playing the Fool when the Man is pad his grand Clytemnejler. [Exit Termagant. SCENE difcovers QUIDNUNC at a Table, with News Pa- pers, Pamphlets, &c. all around him. QjJ ID. Six and three is nine feven and four is eleven, and carry one let me fee, 126 Million 199 Thoufand, 328 and all this with about where, where's the a- mount of the Specie? Here, here with about 15 Mil- lion in Specie, all this great Circulation ! good, good, why then how are we ruined ? how are we ruined ? What fays the Land-Tax at 4 Shillings in the Pound, two Million ! now where's my new AJnefihie'mt ? here, here, the 5th part of Twenty, 5 in 2 I can't but 5 in 20 (paufes] right, 4 times why then upon my new Affcflt rnent there's 4 Million how are we ruined f what fays, Malt, Cyder, and Mum, eleven and carry one, nought and go 2 good, good, Malt, Hops, Cyder, and Mum; then there's theWine Licence, and the Gin Act The Gin A61 is no bad Article If the People will fhoot Fire down their Throats, why inaChriftian Countiy they fhould pay as much as poffible for Suicide Salt ! good Sugar, very good Window lights good again ! .Stamp Duty, that's not fo well -It will have a bad Effect upon the News-Papers, and we fh^n'thave enough ot o- litics But there's the Lottery where's my new Scheme for a Lottery ? Here it is Now for the Amount of the C whole 12 tte UPHOLSTERER; whole How are we ruin'd ? 7 and carry nought- nought and carry i Enter TERMAGANT. TERM. Sir, Sir, QJJID. Hold your Tongue you Baggage, you'll put me out nought and. carry i. TERM. Counfellor Codicil will be with you prefently Q_u i D. Prithee be quiet Woman how are we ruined ? TERM. Ay, I'm confidoui as how you may thank yourfelf far your own Ruination. Q_UID. Ruin the Nation ! hold your Tongue you Jade, I'm raifing the Supplies within the Year, how many did I carry ? TERM. Yes, you've carried your Pigs to a fine Market QUID. Get out of the Room, Hufley you Trollop, get out of the Room (turning her out.] Enter RAZOR, with Suds on his Hands, &c. Q_UID. Friend Razor, I am glad to fee thee well haft got any News ? RAZOR. A Budget ! I left a Gentleman half fhaved in my Shop over the way ; it came into my Head of a fudden, fo I could not be at eafe till I told you Q_u i D. That's kind, that's kind, Friend Razor never mind the Gentleman, he can wait. RAZOR. Yes, fo he can, he can wait.. Q.UI D. Or, WhatN E w s? 13 QUID. Come, now let's hear, what is't? RAZOR. I ftiaved a great Man's Butler to Day. - QUID. Did ye ? RAZOR. I did. Qju i D. Ay; RAZOR. Very true. (bothjhake their Heads.) Qju i D. What did he fay? RAZOR, Nothing, Qu i D. Hum how did he look ? RAZOR, Full of Thought. Q_UID. Ay ! full of Thought what can that mean ? RA ZOR. It muft mean fomething. (flaring at each other.) Qju i D. Mayhap fomebody may be going out of Place. RAZOR. Like enough, there's fomething at the Bottom, when a great Man's Butler looks grave, things can't hold out in this Manner, Mafter Quidnunc! Kingdoms rife and fall ! Luxury will be the ruin of us all, it will indeed. (Stares at him.) Q_U ID. Pray now, Friend Razor, do you find Bufinefs as cur- rent now as before the War ? RAZOR. No, no, I have not made aWig the Lord knows when, I can't mind it for thinking of my poor Country. Qu i D. That's generous, Friend Razor* C 2 RAZOR. H the UPHOLSTERER; RAZOR. Yes, I can't gi'my Mind to any for thinking of my Country, and when I was in Bedlam^ it was the fame, I cou'd think of nothing elfe in Bedlam, but poor old Eng- land, and fo they faid as how I was incurable for it. Q_ui D. S'bodikins ! they might as well fay the fame of me. RAZOR. So they might well, your Servant Mr. Quidnunc, I'll go now and (have the reft of the Gentleman's Face Poor Old England. (fig^ 5 and/hakes his Head] going. Q_U ID. But hark ye, Friend Razor, afk the Gentleman if he has get any News, RAZOR. I will, I will; Q_U I D. And d'ye hear, come and tell me if he has. _;' RAZOR. I will, I will poor Old England '(going returns] O, Mr. Quidnunc, I want to a(k you pray now Enter TERMAGANT. TERM. Gemini ! Gemini ! How can a Man have fo little Difference for his Cuftomers Q_U I D. I tell you, Mrs. Malapert. TERM. And I tell you the Gentleman keeps fuch a Bawling yonder, for fhame, Mr. Razor you'll be a Bankrupper like my Mafter, with fuch a Houfe full of Children as you have, pretty little things that's what you will RAZOR. I'm a coming;, I'm a coming, Mrs. Termagant I fay Mr. Quidnunc, I can't fleep in my Bed for thinking what will come of the Proteftants, if the Papifts ihould get the better in the prefent War ' Q_u i D. I'll tell you The Geographer of our Coffee-houfe was faying the other Day, that there is an huge Trad of Land Or, What NEWS? 15 Land about the Pole, where the Proteftants may retire, and that the Papifts will never be able to beat 'em thence, if the northern Powers hold together, and the grand Turk make a Diverfion in their Favour. RAZOR. That makes me eafy I'm glad the Proteftants will know where to go if the Papifts fhou'd get the better (going returns) Oh ! Mr. Quidnunc - hark'ye India Bonds are rifen. QJJID. Are they ? how much ? RAZOR. A Jew Pedlar faid in my Shop as how they are rifen three Sixteenths Q_U I D. Why then that makes fome Amends for the Price of Corn RAZOR. So it does, fo it does, if they but hold up, and the Pro- teftants know where to go, I fhall then have a Night's Reft mayhap. [Exit Razor. QJJ i D. I fhall never be rightly eafy till thofe careening Wharfs at Gibraltar are repaired TERM. Fiddle for your Dwarfs, impair your ruin'd Fortune, do that. QjCJ I D. If only one Ship can heave down at a time, there will be no end of it and then, why fliould Watering be fo tedious there ? TERM. Look where your Daughter comes, and yet you'll be ruinating about Give-a-balter, while that poor thing is breaking her Heart. Enter HARRIET. QjU ID. It's one Comfort, however, they can always have frefli Provifions in the Mediterranean' HAR. ^6 Tte UPHOLSTERER; HAR. Dear Papa, what's the Mediterranean to People in our Situation ? Qui D. The Mediterranean, Child ? Why if we fhould lofe the Mediterranean, we're all undone. HAR. Dear Sir,that's our Misfortune we are undone already; Q_U I D. No, no, here, here Child^ I have raifed the Supplies within the Year. TERM. I tell you, you're a lunadlc Man. QJJ i D. Yes, yes, I'm a Lunatic to be fure I tell you, Harriet^ I have faved a great deal out of my Affairs for you HAR. For HeavVs fake, Sir, don't do that you muft give up every thing, my Uncle Peebles Lawyer will be here tQ talk with you about it Qui D. . Poh, poh, I tell you, I know what I am about ; you fhall have my Books and Pamphlets, and all the Mani- feftoes of the Powers at War.- HAR. And fo make me a Politician, Sir ? Q_u i D. It would be the Pride of my Heart to find I had got a Politician in Petticoats a Female Machiavel! S'bodi- kins, you might then know as much as moft people that talk in Coffee-houfes, and who knows but in time you might be a Maid of Honour, or Sweeper of the Mall, or < HAR. Dear Sir, don't I fee what you have got by Politics ? QUID. P(haw ! my Country's of more Confequence to me, and let me tell you, you can't think too much of your Country in thefe worft of Times ; for Mr. Monitor has told us, that Affairs in the North, and the Proteftant In- tereft, begin to grow TICKLISH. TfiRMf. Or, What NE ws ? 17 TERM. Ahd your Daughter's Affairs are very TICKLISH too, I'm fure. H AR. Prithee Termagant TE R M. I muft fpeak to him I know you are in a TICK- LISH Situation, Ma'am. QJJID. I tell you, you Trull TERM. But I am convicted it is fo and the pofture of my Af- fairs is very TICKLISH too and To 1 imprecate that Mr. Bellmour wou'd come, and QJJI D. Mr. Bellmour come ! I tell you Mrs. Saucebox, that my Daughter (hall never be married to a Man that has not better Notions of the Balance of Power. TERM. But what Purvifion will you make for her now with your Balances ? Q.UID. There again now ! Why do you think I don't know what I'm about ? I'll look in the Papers for a Match for you, Child ; there's often good Matches advertifed in the Papers Evil betide it, Evil betide it ! I once thought to have {truck a great Stroke, that would have aftoniflied all Europe, I thought to have manied my Daughter to Theodore King of Corfica- HAR. What, and have me perifh in a Jail, Sir ! QJJ ID. S'bodikins myDaughter would have had her Coronation- Day; I (hould have been allied to a crowned Head, and been FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY OF CORSICA ? But come, now I'll go and talk over the London Evening^ till the Gazette comes in 1 (han't fleep to night unlefs I fee the Gazette* Enter i8 3T& U P HO L S T E R E R ; Enter CODICH. COD i c. Mr. Quidnunc your Servant the Door was open, and lentered upon the Premifies i'mjuftcome from the Hall. Q_ui D. S'bodikins! ThisMan is nowcome to keep me at Home. C o D i c. Upon my Word Mifs Harriet's a very pretty youngLady. as pretty a young Lady as one would defire to have and to hold. Ma'am your moft obedient ; I have drawn my Friend Feeble* $ Will, in which you have all his Goods and Chatties, Lands and Hereditaments. HAR. I thank you Sir, for the Information. Co D i c. And I hope fcon to draw your Marriage Settlement for my friend Mr. Bellmour. HAR. OLud ! Sir, not a Word of that before my Father I wifli you'd try, Sir, to get him to think of his Affairs C o D i c. Why yes, I have Inftruftions for that Purpofe ; Mr. ^uidnunCy I am inftruted to expound the Law to you. QJJ i D. What, the Law of Nations ? Co D i c. I am inftru&ed, Sir, that you're a Bankrupt ^uafi lancus ruptus Banque route faire and my Inftru&ions fay further, that you are funimoned to appear before the Commiflioners To-morrow , Qu i D. That may be, Sir, but I can't go To-morrow, and fo I fhall fend 'emWord lamtobeTo-morrow at Slaughter's Coffee-houfe with a private Committee about Bufmefs of great Confequence 'to the Affairs of Europe COD i c. Then, Sir, if you don't go, I muft infirul you, that you'll be guilly of a Felony : it will bedeem'd to be done Or, What NE ws ? 19 foalo Ammo it is Tield fo in the Books and what fays the Statute ? By the 5th George 2d, Cap. 30. Not furrendering or imbezzeling is Felony without Benefit of Clergy. Q_ui D. Ay, you tell me News <-"- COD i c. Give me leavej Sir, 1 am inftruc"ted to expound the Law to you ; Felony is thus defcribed in the Books Felo- nia, faith Hotoman^ de Verlis feudalibus^ fignifitat capitals f acinus, a capital Offence. QJJ i D. You tell me News, you do indeed. COD i c. It was fo apprehended by the Goths and the Longolards* and what faith Sir Edward Coke ? Fieri debeatfilleo animo. QjJ I D. You've told me News I did not know it was Felony; but if the Flanders Mail fhould come in while I am there I (hall know nothing at all of it C ,o D i c. But why fhould you be uneafy ? cui bano y Mr. Hjhiidnunc, ui bond ? Q_ui D. Not uneafy ! If the Paptfts fhould beat the Proteftants. Co DIC. But I tellyou, theycanget no Advantage of us. The Laws againft the further Growth of Popery will fecure us - there are Provifoes in Favour of Proteftant Purchafers under Papifts loth Geo. I. Cap. 4. and 6 Geo. II. Cap. 5. Qu ID. Ay! C O D I C. And befides Popljh Recufants can't carry Arms, fo can have no Right of Conqueft, Vi & armis. QJJ i D. That's true that's true I'm eafier in my Mind C o D i c. To be fure, what are you uneafy about ? The Papifts can have no Claim to Sile/ia D QUID, 20 fto UPHOLSTERER; Q.UI D. Can't they ? C O D I C. No, they can fet up no Claim If the Queen on her Marriage had put all her Lands into Hotchpot then indeed and it feemeth, faith Littleton, that this Word Hotchpet is in Englijb a Pudding Q_ui D. You reafon very clearly, Mf. Codicil, upon the Rights of the Powers at War,^and fo now if you will, I am ready to talk a little of my Affairs. COD ic. Nor does th e Matter reft here ; for how can (he fet up a Claim, when fhe has made a Conveyance to the Houfe of Brandenburgh ? the Law, Mr. ^uldnunc^ is very fevere againft fraudulent Conveyances' Q_u i D. S'bodikins, you have fatisfied me* C OD i c. Why therefore then if he will levy Fines and fuffer a commonRecovery, hecanbequeatheitas he likes \nfeodum Jimplex, provided he takes care to put \nfes Herts. Qu i D. I'rri heartily glad of it, fo that with regard to my Effect C OD I C. Why then fuppofe fhe was to bring it to a Tryal at Bar Q_u i D. I fay with regard to the full Difclofure of my Effe&s COD i c. What wou'd (he get by that ? it would go off upon a fpecial Pleading and as to Equity Q_ui D. Pray muft I now furrcnder my Books and my Pam- phlets r Co D 1C. What wou'd Equity do for her ? Equity can't relieve her, he misht keep her at leaft twenty Years before a Mafter to fettle the Account Q.U I D. Or, What NEWS? 21 QUID. You have made me eafy about the Proteftants in this War, you have indeed fo that with regard to my ap- pearing before the commiflioners. C o D i c. And as to the Ban of the Empire, he may demur to that, For all Tenures by Kpight'sfervice are abolifhed, and the Statute 12 Char. 11. has declared all Lands to be held under a Common Socage. Q_U I D. Pray now, Mr. Codicil^ muft not my Creditors appear to prove their debts 1-. -. COD i c. Why therefore then, if they're held in Common Socage y I fubmit it to the Court, whether the Empire can have any Claim to Knight's Service ; they can't call to him for a (ingle Man for the Wars Unum Hominem adGuer- ram ; for what is Common Socage ? Socagium idem ejl quod Servitium foca the Service of the Plough, Q_U I D. I'm ready to attend 'cm But pray now, when my Certificate is figned, it is of gre*t Confequence to me to know this. I fay, Sir, when my Certificate is figned, Mayn't I then Hey ! (Jlartlng up) Hey ! What do I hear ? Co DIG. J apprehend, I humbly conceive when your Cer- tificate is fjgned. Q_U I D. Hold your Tongue Man did not I hear the Gazette ? Newfman^ (-within) Great News in the London Gazette* Q.UID. Yes, yes it is it is the Gazette Termagant run you Jade (turns her out] Harriet fly, it is the Gazette'. (turns her out. C O D I C. The Law in that Cafe, Mr. Quidnunc^ prima facie.* Q_u i D. I can't hear you, I have not Time, fefmagaht, rqn, make Hafte. [Jlamps 'violently.} COD ic. \ fay, Sir, it is held in the Books , D 2 QUID. 22 tte U P H O L S T E R E R ; Q_U ID. I care for no Books I want the Papers. (/lamping.} C OD i c. Throughout all the Books, Bo ! the Man is non compos^ and his Friends, inftead of aCommiflion of Bankruptcy,, ihould take out a Commifiion of Lunacy. [Exit Cod. Enter TERMAGANT. TER M. What do you keep fuch a Bauling for ? the Newfman fays as how the Emperor of Mocco is dead. Q_UID. The Emperor of Morocco ! TERM. Yes, him. Qju i D. My poor dear Emperor of Morocco ! (burfts into 'fears} TERM. Ah ! you old Don Quikfett ! Ma'am, Ma'am, Mifs Harriet^ go your ways into the next Room, there's Mr. Bellmour's Man there, Mr. Bellmour has fent you a Billydore. HAR. Oh, Termagant^ my Heart is in an Uproar, I don't know what to fay, where is he ? let me run to him this Inftant. (Exit Harriet. Q_u i D. TheEmperor'of Morocco had a Regard for the Balance of Europe, (figks] well, well, come, come, give me the Paper. TERM. The Newfman would not truft, becaufe you're a Bank- rupper y and fo I paid two Pence Halfpenny for it. QjU I D. Let's fee, let's fee TERM. Give me my Money then (running from Urn.} Q.UID. Give it me this Inftant, you Jade (after h(r.\ TERM. Give me my Money, I fay (f r om him.} Qju i D. I'll teach you, I will you Baegagc. (after her.) TERM. Or, What N E w s? 23 TERM. I won't part with it till I have my Money, (from him.) Q^U ID. I'll give you no Money, Hufley. (after her.) TERM. Your Daughter lhall marry Mr. Bellmonr. (from him.) Qu i D. I'll never accede to the Treaty, (after her.} TERM. Go you old Fool. (from him,} Q_ui D. You vile Minx, worfe than the Whore of Babylon. (after her.) TERM. There, you old crack'd brain'd Politic, there's your Paper for you. > (throws it dawn, and Exit* Qju j D. (Jilting down. ) Oh ! Heavens ! I'm quite out of Breath, a Jade, to keep my News from me what does it fay ? what does it fay ? what does it fay ? (Reads very fajt while opening the Paper.'] " Whereas a Commiffion of Bankrupt is a- " warded and iffued forth againft Abraham Quidnunc, of " the Parifh of St. Martin's in the Fields, Upholj1erer t f< Dealer, and Chapman, the faid Bankrupt is hereby re- quired to furrender himfelf." Po, what fignifies this Stuff? I don't mind myfelf, when the Balance of Power is concerned. However, I (hall be read of, in the fame Paper, in the London Gazette, by the Powers abroad ; together with the Pope, and the French King, and the Mogul, and all of 'em good, good, very good, 'here's a Pow'r of News, let me fee, (reads) '* Letters from * c the Vice Admiral, dated Tyger off Calcutta" (mutters to himfelf very eagerly] Oddftieart, thofe Baggages will in- terrupt me, I hear their Tongues a-going, clack, clack, clack, I'll run into my clofet, and lock myfelf up. A Vixen ! a Trollop, :o want Money from me, when I may have occafion to buy The State of the Sinking Fund, or Faftion Detetted, or The Barrier Treaty, or, and befides, how could the Jade tell but To-morrow we may J}ave a Gazette Extraordinary ? [Exit. of the Firjt ACT. ACT II, SCENE, the UPHOLSTERER'^ Houfe. Enter Q_u i D N u N c. Q.UI D. where, where is he ? Where's . Pamphlet ? Mr. Pamphlet ! Termagant, Mr. a a Termagant, Harriet, Termagant. you vile Minx, you faucy Enter T E R MA CANT. Here's a Racket indeed ! Q_UID. Where's Mr. Pamphlet ? you Baggage if he's gone TERM. Did not I intimidate that he's in the nextRoom why fure the Man's out of his Wits. QUID. Shew him in here then I would not mifs feeing him for the Difcovery of the North-Baft Pafoge. TERM. Go you old Gemini Gomini of a Politic. [Exit Term. Q.UI D. Shew him in I fay, 1 had rather fee him than the whole State of the Peace at Utrecht, or ' the Paris A-la- main,' or the Votes, or the Minutes, or Here he comes -the beft political Writer of the Age. Or, What NEWS? 25 Enter PAMPHLET. a Surtout Coat, a Muff^ a long Campaign Wig out of Curl, and a Pair of black Garters, buckled under the Knees.) Q_tri D. Mr. Pamphlet^ I am heartily glad to fee you, as glad as if you were an Exprefs from the Groyn y or from Ber- lin, or from Zell y or from Calcutta over Land, or from- PAMPH. Mr. Quidnunc, your Servant, I'm come from a Place ef great Importance. Q_U I D. Look ye there now ! well, where, where ? PAMPH. Are we alone ? QJJ i D. Stay, flay, till I fhut the Door, now, now, where do you come from ? PAMPH. From the Court of Requefts. (laying afide his Surtout Coat*) QjU I D. The Court of Requefts, (whifpers) are they up ? PAMPH. Hot work. QUID. Debates arifing may be. PAMPH. Yes, and like to fit late. Q.UI D. What are they upon ? PAMPH. Can't fay, Q.U I D. What carried you thither ? PAMPH. I went in hopes of being taken up. . . Qy i D. Lookye there now. (Jhaking his head ) PAMPH. 26 ST^ UPHOLSTERER j PAMPH. I've been aiming at it thefe three Yeart. Q_u i D. Indeed ! (faring at him.) PAMPH. Indeed, Sedition is the only thing an Author cart live by now. "Time has been I could turn a Penny by an Earthquake ; or live upon a Jail-Diftemper ; or dine upon a bloody Murder ; but now that's all over, no- thing will do now but roafting a Minifter or telling the People, that they are ruined the People of England are never fo happy as when you tell 'em they are rumed. Q_UI D. Yes, but they an't ruined- 1 have a Scheme for paying off the national Debt. PAMPH. Let's fee, let's fee (puts on his Speftades) w.ell enough ! well imagined,- a new Thought this I muft make this my own (afide) filly, futile, abfurd, abominable, this will never do I'll put it in my Pocket and read it over in the morning for you now look you here I'll fhew you a Scheme (rummaging his Pockets} no that's not it- that's my conduct of the Miniftry, by a Country gentleman I prov'd the Nation undone here, this fold hugely, and here now, here's myjAnfwer to it, by a noble Lord j^ this did not move among the Trade. Q_u i p. What, do you write on both Sides ? PAMPH. Yes, both Sides, I've two hands Mr. Quidnunc,* alway impartial, Ambo dexter.-*- Now here, here's my Dedication to a great Man touch'd Twenty for this- and here, here's my Libel upon him Q_u ID. , What, after being obliged to him ? PAMPH. Yes, for that Reafon, it excites Curiofity White- wafh and Blacking-ball Mr. Quidnunc ! in utrumque para- ius no thriving without it. QUID. Or, What NEWS? 27 QJJ i D. What have you here in this Pocket ? (prying eagerly.) P AM PH. That's my Account with Jacob Zorobabel, the Broker, for writing Paragraphs to raife or tumble the Stocks or the Price of Lottery Tickets, according to his Purpofes. Q^UID. Ay, how do you do that ? P A M P H. As thus, To-day the Proteftantlntereftdeclines, Ma- drafs is taken, and England's undone ; then all the long Faces in the Alley look as difmal as a Blank, and fo Ja- cqb buys away and thrives upon our Ruin. Then To- morrow, we're all alive and merry again, Pond/cherry's taken ; a certain Northern Potentate will ftiortly ftrikc a Blow, to aftonifh all Europe, and then every true born Englishman is willing to buy a Lottery Ticket for twenty pr thirty Shillings more than its worth ; fo Jacob fells away, and reaps the Fruits of our Succefs. QjJ I D. What, and will the People believe that now ? P A id p H. Believe it ! believe any thing, no S-vallow like a true-born Englifhmaris a Man in a Quart Bottle, or a Victory, it's all one to them, 'they give a Gulp and down ic goes, glib, glib, Q_U I D. Yes, but they an't at the Bottom of Things? P A M P H. No, not they, they dabble a little, but can't dive > QjJ I D. Pray now Mr. Pamphlet , what do you think of our Situ- ation ? P A MP H. Bad, Sir, bad, and how can it be better ? the people in Power never fend to me, never confult me, it muft be bad Now here, here, [goes to his loafe Coat] here's a Manufcript .'-this will do the Bufmefs, a Matfer- piece, -1 fhall be taken up for this. E QUID. 28 The UPHOLSTERER; Shall ye? PAMPH. As fure as a Gun I {hall, I know the Bookfeller's a Rogue, and will give me up. Q_u i D. But pray now what (hall you get by being taken up ? PAMPH. I'll tell you (whifpers) in order to make me hold my Tongue. Qu ID. Ay, but you won't hold your Tongue for all that. PAMPH. Po, po, not a Jot of that, abufe 'em the next Day. , Q_u i D. Well, well, I wifh you Succefs but do you hear no News ? have you feen the Gazette? PAMPH. Yes, I've feen that, great News, Mr. Grown People are- " taught to dance." Grown People are taught to dance I likes that well enough I fhould like to bebetttrer in my dancing I likes theFigerreof&Minutf as well as zFigerre in Speech (dances andjings) But fuch 'Trumpry as the News is, with Kings, and Chfrefemongers, and Biftiops, and Higkwayrman, and Ladies Prayer-Books, and Lap-Dogs, and the Domodary and Camomile, and AmbafTadors, and Hair-Cutters, all - biggledy piggledy together : As I hope for Marcy I'll never read another Paper and I wifhes old Quidnunc would do the fame if the Man would do as I do, there \yquld be fome Senfe in it, if inftead of his Policies, he \yould manure his Mind like me, and read good Altars, and improve 34 **>e UPHOLSTERER; improve himfelf in fine Langidge, and Bombajl^ and^j- lite Auollijhments [Exit fmging. SCENE the Street. Enter BELLMOUR, ROVEWELL and BRISK, in Liquor. BELL. Women ever were, and ever will be fantaftic Beings, vain, capricious, and fond ofMifchief- BRISK. Well argued, Mafter. ROVEWELL. (fmgs.) Deceit h in every Woman, But none in a Bumper can le my brave Boys^ But none in a Bumper can be. BELL. To be infulted thus, with fuch a contemptuous Anfwer to a Meflage of fuch tender Import, (he might methinks at lead have treated me with good Manners, if not with a more grateful Return. ROVE. Split her Manners, let's go and drink t'other Bumper to drown Sorrow. BELL. I'll {hake offher Fetters, I will Brijk, this very Night 1 will BRISK. That's right, Mafter, and let her know we have found her out, and as the Poet fays, ' She that will not when Jhe may, When Jhe will, Jhe Jbati have nay, Mafter. BELL. Very true, Brijk, very true, the Ingratitude of it touches to the quick, my dear Rovewell, only come and fee me take a final Leave. ROVE. No truly, not I, none of yourvirtuous Minxes for rne, I'll fet you down there, if you've a mind to play the Fool I know (he'll melt you with a Tear, and make a Puppy of you with a Smile, and fo I'll not be Witnefs to it. BELL. You're quite miftaken, I affure you, you'll fee me moft manfully upbraid her with herlngratitude, and with more Joy than a fugitive Galley Slave, tfcape from the Oar, to which I have been chain'd. BRISK. Or, What NEWS? 35 BRISK. Matter, Matter, now's our Time, for look by the Glimmering of yonder Lamp, who comes along by the Wall there. BELL. Her Father, by all that's Lucky, my dear Roveweti} let's diive off. ROVE. I'll fpeak to him for you, Man BELL. Not for the World prithee come along [Exeunt. Enter QUIDNUNC, with a dark Lanthorn. Qui D. If the Grand Turk fliould a&ually commence open Hof- tility, and the Houfe-bug Tartars make a Diveriion upon the Frontiers, wjiy then it's my Opinion Time will dif- cover to us a great deal more of the Matter. WATCH (within.) Paft Eleven o'Clock, a Cloudy Night. Qu ID. Hey ! part Eleven o'Clock, 'Sbodikins, my Brother Feeble will be gone to bed, but he (han't deep till I have fome Chat with him. Hark'ye Watchman, Watchman. Enter WATCHMAN. WATCH. Call, Matter. QJTJ i D. Ay, ttep hither, ftep hither, have you heard any News ? WATCH. News, Matter ! Q_U I D. Ay. about the Prujfflans or the Ruffians ? WATCH. Ruffians, Matter. Q_UI D. Yes, or the Movements in Pomerania ? WATCH. La, Matter, I knows nothing poor Gentleman (pointing to bis Head] Good Night to you Matter, pad Eleven o'Clock. [Exit Watchman. QjU I D. That Man now has a Place under the Government, and ** h 36 Me UPHOLSTERER* he won't fpeak. But I'm lofing Time (knoch at the Door} Hazy Weather (looking #/>.)The Wind's fix'd in that Quar- ter, and we (han't have any Mails this Week to come, come about good Wind, do, come about. Enter a Servant Maid. MAID. La, Sir, is it you ? QJJ 1 1>. Is your Mafter at home, Child ? MAID. Gone to Bed, Sir. QJJID. Well, well, I'll ftep up to him. MAID. Muft not difturb him for the World, Sir. < " QUID. Bufinefs of the utmoft Importance.- MAID. Pray confider, Sir, my Mailer an't well. Q_ui D. Prithee be quiet Woman ; I muft fee him. [Exeunt. S C E N E, Room in FEEBLE'J Houfe. Enter FEEBLE, in bis Night Gown. F E E B. I was juft ftepping into Bed ; blefs my Heart what can this Man want f 1 know his Voice, I hope no new Misfortune brings him at this Hour. Q_u i D. Hold your Tongue you foolifh HufTey, he'll be glad to fee me. Brother Feeble, Brother Feeble, (within.} F E E B. What can be the Matter ? Enter QUIDNUNC. Q^ui D. Brother Feeble^ give you Joy, the Nabob's demolifh'd, Britonsy?77/&? home, revenge^ &c. FEE B, Lackaday, Mr. Quidnunc, how can you ferve me thus ? QUID. Surctja Dowla is no more. FEEB. Poor Man ! he's ftark ftaring mad. QUID. Or, What NEWS? 37 QjtJID. Our Men diverted themfelves with killing their Bul- locks and their Camels, till they diflodg'd the Enemy from the Odtagon, and the Counterfcarp, and the Bunglo. F E E B. I'll hear the reft to-morrow Morning, oh ! I'm rea- dy to die. QJJ i D. Od/heart Man be of good Chear, the new Nabob, Jaffier Ally Cawn^ has acceded to a Treaty j and the Eng- iijb Company have got all their Rights in the Phtrmaud and the Hnftdiilhoorums F E EB. But dear heart Mr. Quidnunc, why am I to be difturb'd for this ? Q,UID. We had but two Seapoys killed, three Chokeys, four Gaul- walls, and two Zemidars. (fwgf) Britons never Jh all be Slaves. FE E B. Would not to-morrow Morning do as well for this? QJJ j D. Light up your Windows, Man, light up your Win- dows. Chandernagore is taken. FEEB. Well, well, I'm glad of it good Night, (going) Q_UI D. Here, here's the Gazette. - FEEB. Oh, I (hall certainly faint, (fits down] Q_u i D. Ay, ay, fit down, and I'll read it to you. (Reads.} nay, don't run away I've more News to tell you, there's an Account from Williamjburgb in America the Superinten- dant of Indian Affairs FEEB. Dear Sir, dear Sir, (avoiding him) Q_U I D. Has fettled Matters with the Cherokee* (folhwinghim) FEEB. Enough, enough, (from him) F ^ Qju i D. 3* tte UPHOLSTERE'R-, QjJ I D. In the fame Manner he did before with the Catalaws. (after him.'}, F E E B. Well, well, your Servant. (from him} Q_u i D. So that the back Inhabitants (after him) FE EB. I wifli you would let me be a quiet Inhabitant in my own Houfe. Qu i D. So that the back Inhabitants will now be fecur'd by the Cherokee* and Catabaws. FEES. You'd better go home, and think of appearing before the Commiflioners. Q_U I D. Go home ! no, no, I'll go and talk the Matter over at our Coffee-houfe. F E E B. Do fo, do fo. Q_UID. (Returning) Mr. Feeble, I had a Difpute about the Balance of Power, pray now can you tell FE E B. I know nothing of the Matter QJJ i D. Well, another Time will do for that I have a great deal to fay about that (going, returns) right, I had like to have forgot, there's an Erratum in the laft Gazette* F E EB. With all my Heart Q_u i D. Page 3d, Line i, Col. ift, and 3d, for Bombs read Beams. FE E B. Read what you will- Q_U I D. Nay, but that alters theSenfe, you know, well, now your Servant. If I hear anymore News I'll come and tell you. FEES. For Heaven's Sake no more Or, What NEWS? $9 Q_UID. I'll be with you before you're out of your firft Sleep FEED. Good -night, Good-night [Runs off. Q_u i D. I forgot to tell you the Emperor of Morocco is dead (bawling after him] lo now I've made him happy. I'll go and knock up my Friend Razor, and make him happy too ; and then I'll go and fee if any Body is up at the Coffee-houfes, and make them all happy there too. [Exit. Quidnunc, SCENE a STREET. A Jhabby Hcufe with a Barber's Pole up, and Candles burning on the outfide. Enter QUIDNUNC, with a dark Lanthorn. QJJ i D. Ah Friend Razor ! he has a great Refpecl for a re- joicing Night. Who knows but he has heard fome more Particulars. [tnscls. RAZOR looking out of the Window. RAZOR. Anan ! QJUID. Friend Razor. RAZOR. My Mafter Quidnunc / I'm rejoicing for the News. will you partake of a pipe ? I'll open the Door. Qu i D. Not now, Friend Razor. RAZOR. I've fomething to tell you I'll come down. Qyi D. This may be worth ftaying for What can he have teard ! Inter RAZOR, in a Cap^ a Pipe in his Mouth, and a Tankard in his hand. RAZOR. Say, here's to you, Mafter Quidnunc: Q_U I D. What have you heard ? What have you heard ? RAZOR. 4& Me UPHOLSTERER; RAZOR. The Confumers of Oats are to meet next Week. Qv i n. Thofe Confumers of Oats have been meeting any time thefe ten Years to my Knowledge, and I never cou'd find what they are about. RAZOR. Things an't right, I fear its enough to put down a Body's Spirits.- [Drinks. Q.UID. No, nothing to fear 1 can tell you fome good News a certain great Potentate has not heard High-Mafs, the Lord knows when. RAZOR. That puts a Body in Spirits again, (drinks] Here, drink no wooden Shoes. Q_u i D. With all my Heart (drinks} Good Liquor this, Matter Razor, of a cold Night. RAZOR. Yes, I put a Quatern of Britifli Brandy in my Beer* whu ! Do you know what a Rebel my Wife is. Qu i D. , A Rebel ! RAZOR. Ay, a Rebel I earned Nineteen-pence half- penny to Day, and (he wanted to lay out all that great Sum upon the Children whu but I bought thofe Candles for the good of my Country, to rejoice with as a Body may fay a little Virginy for my Pipe and this Sup of Hot. Q^u I D. Ay, you're an Honeft Man, and if every body did like you and me, what a Nation we fhou'd be. RAZOR. Ay, very true, (Jbakes his Head) QjJ I D. I can give you the Gazette to read. RA z o R. Can you ! a thoufand Thanks, I'll take it Home to you when I have done. (drinks andjlaggers.) QUID* Or, What NEWS? 41 Q.U ID. Friend Razor, you begin to be a little in for'e. R A z. Yes, I have a whirligigg of a Head. but a body fhou'd get drunk ibmetimes for the good of one's Coun- try. QJJID. Well, I fhall be at home in half an Hour ! Hark'ye. R AZ. Anan ! Q_u ID. I have made a rare difcovery, Florida will be able to fupply Jamaica with Peet for their Winters firings. I had it from a deep Politician. RA z. Ay ! I am glad the Poor People of Jamaica will have Florida Peet to burn. Exeunt* SCENE ?be Upbol/ierer's Houfe. Enter BELLMOUR, and HARRIET. HA R. MR. Bellmour, pray Sir I defire, Sir, you'll not follow me from Room to Room. BELL. Indulge me but a -moment. H AR. No, Mr. Bellmour, I've feen too much of your Tem- per, I'm touch'd beyond all Enduring at your unmanly Treatment. BELL. Unmanly, Madam. H AR. Unmanly, Sir, to prefume upon the Misfortunes of my Family, and infult me with the formidable menaces that, " Truly you have done, you'll be no more a Slave to me." Oh fye, Mr. Bellmour, I did not think * Gentleman capable of it. BELL. But you won't confider. HAR. Sir, I wou'd have Mr. Bellmour underftand, that tho* wy 42 The UPHOLSTERER; my Father's Circumftances are Embarafs'd, I have ftill an Uncle* who can, and will place me in a State of Af- fluence, and then, Sir, your Declarations. BELL. My deareft Harriet, they were but hafty Words, let me now entreat you fuffer me to convey you hence, far from your Father's Roof, where we may at length enjoy that Happinefs, of which we have long cherifh'd the loved Idea. What fay you, Harriet. HAR. I don't know what to fay my Heart's at my Lips. Why don't you take me then. Enter TERMAGANT* T E R. Undone, Undone ! I'm all over in a fluftration aid Jimini Gomini's coming. HAR. O Ludj what is to be done now ? TE R. The Devil ! what can be done ? I have it don't fluf- trate yourfelf I'll find fome Nonfenfe News for him away with you both into that Room. Quick, quick. [They Exit. Let me fee have I nothing in my Pocket for the Old Hocus Pocus to read ? Pawfh ! that's Mr. Bellmour's Letter to Mifs Harriet I envelop'd that Secret for all Pains to purventme. Old Politic muft not have an Ideer of that Bufinefs Stay, ftay, is there ne'er an old Trumpery News-paper ? this will do. [Puts it in her Pocket.] Now let the Gazette of a Fellow come as foon as he will. Enter Q_u I D N u N c. QjJ I D. Fy upon it fy upon it ! all the Coffee Houfes fhut up Where is my Salmon's Gazetteer, and my map of the World ? In that Room I fancy I won't fleep till J know the Geography of all thefe Places. Going.] TERM. Sir, Sir, Sir ! Q.U ID. Or, What NEWS? 43 Q_U I D. What's the Matter ? TERM. Here has been Mr. He with the odd Name. Q_u i D. Mr. D that writes the pretty Verfes upon all Public Occafbns T E R M. Ay, Mr. Reptile the fame. He fays as how there are fome Allays of his in this Paper (fearches her Pockets) And he defires you will give him your Ideer of them. Q_U I D. That I will let me fee ! TERM. The Deuce fetch it here is fomething difintangles in my Pocket there, there it is. (gives the Paper and drops the letter) Pray amufe it before you go to Bed - or had not you better go, and read it in Bed Q_u i D. No, I'll read it here. TERM. Do fo } he'll call in the morning, I'll get him to Bed I warrant me, and then Mifs Harriet may Elope as faft as {he will. [Exit. Q_u i D. Hey ! this is an old News-Paper, I fee. What's this? takes up the Letter) here may be fome News. " To Mifs Harriet Quidnunc" Let me fee [reads. " My deareft Harriet, " Why will you keep me in a ftate of fufpence? I " have given you every proof of the fincereft Conftancy " and Love. Surely then, now that you fee your Fa- " ther's Obftinacy, you may determine to confult your " own Happinefs ; if you will permit me to wait on you " this Evening, I will convey you to a Family, who " will take the tendered Care of your Perfon, till you ** refign it to the Arms of " Your Eternal Admirer Bettmour." G So 44 Tbe UPHOLSTERER-, So, fo, here's Policy dete&ed why Harriet, Daugh- ter ! Harriet! She has not made her Efcape I hope- So Madam. . Enter HARRIET and BELLMOUR. Hey, the Enemy in our camp. H A R. Mr. Bellmour is no Enemy, Sir. Q.U I D. No ! What does he lurk in my Houfe for ? BELL. Sir, my Defigns are honourable, you fee Sir, I am above concealing myfelf. Q_u i D. Ay, thanks to Termagant^ or I fhou'd have been un- dermined here by you. TERM, (looking in) What the Devil is here to do now ? I am all over in a Quandery. Q_u i D. Now, Madam, an't you a falfe Girl an undutiful Child ? But I can get intelligence you fee Termagant is my Friend, and if it had not been for her Enter TERMAGANT. TERM. Oh my Stars and Garters ! here's fuch a piece of work What (hall I do? My poor dear Mifs Harriet (cries bitterly.) Q_u I D. What is there anymore News? What has happen'd now r TERM. Oh Madam, Madam, forgive me my dear Ma'am I did not do it purpofe I did not, as I hope for Mercy I did not Q_U I D. Is the Woman crazy r TERM. I did not intend to give it him ; I would have feeu kirn gibbeted firfr, I found the Letter in your Bed- Cham- Or, What NEWS? 45 Chamber I knew it was the fame I delivered to you and my Curicfhy did make me peep into it, fays my Curiofity, " Now Termagant^ you may gratify yourfelf '* bv finding out the Contents of that Letter, which you " have fo violent an itching for." My Curiofity did fay fo and then I own my refpectfor you did fay to me, *' Hufley, how dare you meddle with what does not " belong to you? Keep your Diftance, and let your ** Miftrefs's Secrets alone." And then upon that, in comes my Curiofity again, " Read it, I tell you, Ter* " magonty a Woman of Spirit (hou'd know every thing." " Let it alone, you Jade," fays my Refpet, " it's as " much as your Place is worth," " What fignification's " a Place with an old Bankrupper," fays my Curiofity, < there's more Places than one, and fo read it, I tell " you, Termagant" I did read it, what could I do, Heav'n help me I did read it, I don't go to deny it, I don't, I don't I don't [crying very bitterly.] Q_u i D. And I have read it too, don't keep fuch an Uproar, Woman TERM. And after I had read it, thinks me, I'll give this to my Miftrefs again, and her Germanocus of a Father (hall never fee it and fo as my ill Stars would have it, as I was giving him a News Paper, I run my Hand into the Lion's Mouth.' [crying* BELL. What an unlucky jade fhe has been. [aftde. H A R. Well, there's no Harm done, Termagant j for I don't want to deceive my Father. Q_u i D. Yes, but there is harm done, (knocking.} Hey, what's all this knocking Step and fee, Termagant. TERM. Yes, Sir. [Exit. Q_U I D. A Waiter from the Coftee-houfe mayhap with fome News You (hall go to the Round Houfe, Friend I'll carry you there myfelf, and who knows but I may G 2 meec 46 Me UPHOLSTERER; meet a Parliament Man in the Round Houfe to 'tell him fome Politicks. Enter ROVEWELL. ROVE. But I fay I will come in, my Friend (han't be ir.ur- der'd amongftyou BELL. 'Sdeath, Rovewell ! what brings you here ? ROVE. I have been waiting in a Hackney Coach for you thefe two Hours, and fplit me, but I was afraid they had fmother'd you between two Feather Beds. Enter TERMAGANT. TERM. More Misfortunes here comes the Watch. Q_u i D. The beft News I ever heard. Enter WATCHMAN. QJJ i D. Here, Thieves, Robbery, Murder, I charge 'em both, take 'em diredtJy. WATCH. Stand and deliver in the King's Name, felze 'em, knock 'em down BELL. Don't frighten the Lady here's my Sword I fur- render. R O V E. You Scoundrels Stand off Rafcals WATCH. Down with him down with him [fi$t. Enter RAZOR in his firjl deaths with the Gazette in his Hand. RAZOR. What, a fray at my Mafter Quidnunc's knock him down, knock him down [folds up the Gazette, and Jlrips to fight. Q^UID. Or, What NEWS? 47 Qu i D. That's right, that's right hold him faft. Watch- men feize Rove, and Razor puts on his Cloaths. ROVE. You have overpowered me, you Rafcals TERM. I believe as fure as any thing, as how he's a High- warmarij and as how it was he that robb'd the Mail. Q_y i D. What rob the Mail and flop all the News, fearch hj m fearch him he may have the Letters belonging to the Mail in his Pockets now Ay, here's one Letter ' To Mr. Abraham >uidnunc" Let's fee what it is ' " Your dutiful Son, John ghiidnunc" ROVE. That's my Name, and Rovtwett was but aflumed. Q_u i D. What and am I your Father ? RAZOR. (looks at him] Oh my dear Sir, (embraces him and powders him all over) 'tis 'he fure enough I remember the Mole on his Cheek I fhav'd his h"rft Beard. Q_y i D. Juft return'd from the Weft-Indies, I fuppofe. ROVE. Yes, Sir ; the owner of a rich Plantation. Qjj i D. What by itudying Politicks ? Ro v E. By a rich Planter's Widow; and I have now For- une enough to make you happy in your old Age. , RAZOR. And I hope I fhail (have him again. ROVE. So thou fhalt, honeft Razor, in the mean time let me entreat you beitow my Sifter upon my Friend Bell- mour here. Q_U I D. ' He may take her as foon as he pleafes, 'twill make an excellent Paragraph in the News Papers. TERM. 4 3 r^ UPHOLSTERER, ^. TERM. There, Madam, calcine your Perfon to him. Qju i D. What are the Spaniards doing in the Bay of Honduras? ROVE. Truce with Politicks for the Prefent, if you pleafe Sir. We'll think of our own Affairs firft before we concern ourfelves about the Balance of Power. RAZOR. With all my Heart, I'm rare happy. Come Mafter Quidnunc now with News ba done, Blefid in your Wealth, your Daughter and your Son j May Difcord ceaje^ Faction no more lie /ten* Be High and Low for Country King and ^u FINIS. T H CITIZEN. A FARCE. As it is performed at the THEATRE ROYAL I N COVENT-GARDEN. THE THIRD EDITION. By ARTHUR MURPHY, Efq. ^Eque negle&um pueris fenibufque nocebit. HOR. LONDON: PRINTED for P. VAILLANT, T. CASLON, W. GRIFFIN, T. LOWNDES, W. NICOLL, T. BECKET, and S. BLADON. 1770. [PRICE ONE SHILLING.] '.Vk, Lincol^s-Inn, TH E Author's compliments to Mifs EL- LIOT, and he defires to infcribe to her the following fcenes. She need not be alarmed au a dedication, the propriety of which will ftrike every reader, who remembers that MifsELLLioT and the CITIZEN made their firft appearance on the ftage together, and that her uncommon talents gave the piece the beft and moft effec- tual protection. Elegance of figure ; a voice of pleafjng variety, a ilrong exprefiion of hu- mour, not impaired, but rendered exquifite, by delicacy , theie were circumftances that fecurcd the farce at firtt, and have fmce brought it into favour. No author ever met with a better pa- tronage; and though the CITIZEN, like other things of this kind^ has many faults, yet it ha$ this peculiar merit, that it produced, in the character of MARIA, a genuine comic genius. The CITIZEN claims another praife. When all the little arts of theatrical malice were con- ipiring againft her, it recommended Mifs EL- LIOT to the notice of Mr. BEARD, and obtained for her that .generous treatment, which tbat manager feems determined to extend to real merit. The Author, therefore, defires Mifs ELLIOT'S acceptance of this Farce, for the de- fects of which he makes no apology, becaufe, Ihould the moft fevere judge in this kind re- folve to arm himfelf with criticifms, let him but look at the acting pf MAR i A, and be will forget them all. Dramatis Dramatis Perfonx, D RU R Y-L A NE. M E N. Old Philpot, Young Philpot, Sir Jafper Wilding, Young Wilding, Beaufort, Dapper, Quilldrive, U Maria, Corinna, Mr. Baddeley. Mr. King. Mr. Burton. Mr. Lee. Mr. Packer. Mr. Vaughan. Mr. Ackman.j N. Mifs Elliot. Mrs. Hippifley. COVENT-GARDEN. MEN. Old Philpot, Young Philpot, Sir Jafper Wilding, Young Wilding, Beaufort, Dapper, Quilldrive, Maria, Corinna, Servants, &c, Mr. Shuter. Mr. Woodward, Mr. Dunftall. Mr. Dyer. Mr. Baker. Mr. Cottollo. Mr. Perry. Mrs.- Mattocks. Mifs Cockayne, THE CITIZEN. ACT I. SCENE I. YOUNG WILDING, BEAUFORT, and WILL folhwlng* Wilding. HA, ha, my dear Beaufort ! A fiery young fel- low like you, melted down into a fighing, love-lick dangler after a high heel, a well-turn'd ancle, and a fhort petticoat ! Beau. Pr'ythee, Wilding, don't laugh at me Maria's charms Wild. Maria's charms ! And fo now you would fain grow wanton in her praife, and have me liften to your raptures about my own fifter ! Ha, ha, poor Beaufort! Is my fifter at home, Will ? Will She is, Sir. Wild. How long has my father been gone out ? Will This hour, Sir. Wild. Very Well. Pray give Mr. Beaufort's com- pliments to my fifter, and he is come to wait upon her (Exit Will.) You will be glad to fee her I fup- pofe, Charles. Beau. I live but in her'prefence. Wild. Live but in her prefence ! How the devil could the young baggage raife this riot in your heart? 'Tis more than her brother could ever do with any of her fex. B Beau. 2 THE CITIZEN. Beau. Nay, you have no reafon to complain j you are corne up to town, poft-hafte } to marry a wealthy citizen's daughter, who only faw you laft feafon at Tunbridge, and has been languifhing for you ever fmce. IVild. That's more than I do for her ; and, to tell you the truth, more than I believe fhe does for me This is a match of prudence, man ! bargain and fate! My reverend dad and the old put of a citizen finifh- ed the bufmefs at Lloyd's Coffee-houfe by inch of candle a mere transferring of property ! " Give " your fon to my daughter, and I will give my " daughter to your fon." That's the whole affair, and fo I am juft arrived to confummate the nuptials* Beau. Thou art the happieft fellow Wild. Happy! fo I am whatfliould I beotherwife for? If Mifs Sally upon my foul I forget her name Beau. Well ! that is fo like you Mifs Sally Philpot. Wild. Ay! very true Mifs Sally Philpot fhe will bring fortune fufficient to pay off an old in- cumbrance upon the family-eftate, and my father is to fettle handfomely upon me and fo I have reafon to be contented, have not I ? Beau. And you are willing to marry her without having one fpark of love for her ? Wild. Love ! why I make myfelf ridiculous enough by marrying, don't I, without being in love into the bargain ? What ! am I to pine for a girl that is willing to go to bed to me ? Love of all things ! My dear Beaufort, one fees fo many people breathing raptures about each other before marriage, and din- ning their ir.fipidity into the ears of all their ac- quaintance ; " My dear Ma'am, don't you think "him a fweet man? a charminger creature never " was." Then he, on his fide " My life, my angel, " oh! {he's a paradife of ever blooming fweets." And then in a month's time, " He's a perfidious wretch \ " I wifh I had never feen his face the devil was " in me when I had any thing to fay to him" " Oh ! damn her for an inammated piece 1 wifh " fhe*d poifon'd herfelf with all my heart." That is A F A R C E. 3 ever the way ; and fo you fee love is all nonfenfe ; well enough to furnifh romances for boys and girls at circulating libraries; that is all,take my word for it. Beau. Pho! this is all idle talk ; and, in the mean time, I am ruin'c}. Wild. How fo ? Beau. Why, you know the old couple have bar- gain'd your fifter away. Wild* Bargain'd her away! and will you pretend you are in love ? Can you look tamely on and fee her barter'd away atGarraway's, like logwood, cochineal, or indigo ? Marry her privately, man, and keep it a fecret till my affair is over. Beau. My dear Wilding, will you propofe it to her? Wild. With all my heart She is very long a com- ing I'll tell you what, if fhe has a fancy for you, carry her off at once But, perhaps, {he has a mind to this cub of a citizen, Mifs Sally's brother. Beau. Oh, no ! he's her averfion. Wild. I have never feen any of the family, but my wife that is to be my father-in-law and my brother- in-law, I know nothing of them. What fort of a fellow is the fon ? Beau. Oh ! a diamond of the firft water ! a buck, Sir ! a blood ! every night at this end of the town ; at twelve next day he fneaks about the Change, in a little bit of a frock and a bob-wig, and looks like a fedate book-keeper in the eyes of all who behold him. Wild. Upon my word, a gentleman of fpirit. Beau. Spirit ! he drives a phaeton two ftory high, keeps his girl at this end of the town, and is the gay George Philpot all round Covent-Garden. Wild. Oh, brave ! and the father Beau. The father, Sir But here comes Maria; take his pidure from her. [Shejings within.] Wild. Hey! (he is mufical this morning; fhe holds her ufual fpirits, I find. Beau. Yes, yes, the fpirit of eighteen, with the idea of a lover in her head. Wild. Ay ! and fuch a lover as you too ! tho' ftill in her teens, fhe can play upon all your foibles, and B 2 treat 4 THE CITIZEN: treat you as flic does her monkey, tickle you, torment you, enrage you, footh you, exalt you, deprefs you, pity you, laugh at you Ecce fignum ! Enter M.A~R.iAfinging. Wild. The fame giddy girl ! Sifter ; come, my dear Maria. Have done, brother ; let me have my own way I will go through my fong. Wild. I have not feen you this age ; aflc me how I do? Maria. I won't afk you how you do I won't take any notice of you, I don't know you. Wild. Do you know this gentleman then ? Will you fpeak to him ? Maria. No, I won't fpeak to him ; I'll fing to him ; it's my humour to fing. [Sings.'] Beau. Be ferious but for a moment, Maria ; my all depends upon it. Maria. Oh ! fweet Sir, you are dying, are you ? then pofitively I will fing the fong ; for it is a defcrip- tion of yourfelf mind it, Mr. Beaufort mind it Brother, how do you do ? [kifles him! Say nothing, don't interrupt me [Sings.] Wild. Have you feen your city lover yet ? Maria. No j but I long to fee him j I fancy he is a curiofity. Beau. Long to fee him, Maria ! Maria. Yes, Jong to fee him [Beaufort fiddles with Ins lip, and looks thoughtful.'] Brother, brother! [goes to kimfeftly, beckons him to look at Beaufort] do you fee that ? \_mimicks him] mind him ; ha, ha. Beau. Make me ridiculous if you will, Maria ; fo you don't make me unhappy, by marrying this citizen. Maria. And would not you have me marry, Sir ? What, I muft lead a fingle life to pleafe you, muft I? upon my word you are a pretty gentleman to make laws for me. [Sings.] Can it be^ or by law, or by equity J laid ', That a comely young girl ought to die an old maid? Wild. Come, come, Mifs Pert, compofe yourfelf 3 little this wiH never do. A F A R C E. j Maria. My crofs, ill-natur'd brother ! but it will do Lord ! what do you both call me hither to plague me ? I won't ftay among ye a I'boneur, a I'boneur [running away.] a I'boneur. Wild.. Hey, hey, Mifs Notable! come back, pray Madam, come back [Farces her back.] Maria. Lord of Heaven ! what do you want ! Wild. Come, come, truce with your frolicks, Mifs Hoyden, and behave like a fenfible girl ; we have ferious bufmefs with you. Maria. Have you ? Well, come, I will be fenfible there, I blow all my folly away 'Tis gone, 'tis gone, and now I'll talk fenfe ; come Is that a fenfible face ? Wild. Po, po, be quiet, and hear what we have to fay to ycoi. Maria. I will, I am quiet. It is charming weather ; it will be good for the country, this will. Wild. Po, ridiculous ! how can you be fo filly ? Maria. Blefs me ! I never faw any thing like you there is no fuch thing as fatisfying you I am fure it was very good fenfe, what I faid Papa talks in that manner^- Well, well! I'll be filent then I won't fpeak at all ; will that fatisfy you ? [Looks fallen] Wild. Come, come, no more of this folly, but mind what is faid to you You have not feen your city lover, you fay ? [Mariay^r/v^j her/boulders? andjbakes her bead.] Wild. Why don't you anfwer ? Beau. My dear Maria, put me out of pain. [MariayZ>rw?j her flioulders again.] Wild. Po ! don't be fo childifh, but give a rational anfwer. Maria. Why, no, then ; no no, no, no, no, no 1 tell you no, no, no. Wild. Come, come, my little giddy fifter, you muft not be fo flighty j behave fedately, and don t be a girl always. Maria. Whydon't I tell you I have not feen him- but I am to fee him this very day. Beau, 6 THE CITIZEN: Beau. To fee him this day, Maria ? Maria. Ha, ha ! look there, brother; he is begin- ing again But don't fright yourfelf, and I'll tell you all about it My papa comes to me this morning by the by, he makes a fright of himfelf with this ftrange drefs Why does he not drefs as other gentlemen do, brother ? Wild. He drefles like his brother fox-hunters in Wiltfhire. Maria. But when he comes to town, I wifh he would*do as other gentlemen do here 1 am almoft afham'd of him But he comes to me this morning ~- " Hoic ! hoic ! our Moll Where is the fly " pufs Tally ho !" Did you want me papa ? " Come hither, Moll, I'll gee you a hufband, " m y gi f l J one that has mettle enow he'll take " cover, I warrant un Blood to the bone." Beau. There now, Wilding,did not I tell you this? Wild. Where are you to fee the young citizen ? Maria. Why, papa will be at home in a hour, and then he intends to drag me into the city with him, and there the fweet creature is to be introduced to me The old gentleman, his father, is delighted with me: but I hate him, an old ugly thing. Wild'. Give us a defcription of him j I want to know him. Maria. Why, he looks like the picture of Avarice, fitting with pleafure upon a bag of money, and tremb- ling for fear any body fhould come and take it away He has got fquare-toed (hoes, and little tiny buckles, a brown coat, with fmall round brafs buttons, that looks as if it was new in my great-grandmother's time, and his face all fhriveU'd and pinch'd with care, and he ihakes his head like a mandarine upon a chimney-piece " Ay, ay, Sir Jafper, you are " right and then he grins at me 1 profefs (he is a " very pretty bale of goods. Ay, ay, and my fon Bob " is a very fenfible laday, ay ! and I will under- *' write their happinefs for o;,e and a half per cent." Wild. Thank you, my dear girl ; thank you for this account of my relations. Beau. A fr A R C E. 7 . Deftruftion to my hopes ! Surely, my dear little angel, if you have any regard for me Maria. i here, there, there he is frighten'd again. [Sings, Deareft creature, &V.] Wild. Pfhaw ! give over thefe airs liften to me, and I'll inftrucl you how to manage them all. Maria. Oh ! my dear brother, you are very good* but don't miftake yourfelf; though jufl come from a boarding-fchool, give me leave to manage for myfelf There is in this cafe a man I like, and a man I don't like It is not you I like (to Beaufort] no no I hate you But let this little head alone ; I know what to do i (hall know how to prefer one, and get rid of the other. "Beau, What will you do, Maria 1 Maria.Ha.y ha, I can't help laughing at you. [Sings. Do not grieve mc^ Ob ! relieve me^ &c. Wild. Come, come, be ferious Mifs Pert, and I'll inftrudt you what to do The old cit, you fay,admires you for your underftanding j and his fon would not marry you,unlefs he found you a girl of fenfe and fpirit? Maria. Even fo this is the character of your giddy fitter. Wild. Why then I'll tell you You fhall make him hate you for a fool, and fo let the refufal come from, himfelf. Maria. But how how, my dear brother ? Tell me how ? Wild, Why you have feen a play with me, where a man pretends to be a downright country oaf, in order to rule a wife and have a wife. Maria. Very vveil what then? what then? Oh ! -I have it I underftand you fay no more 'tis charming; I like it of all things; I'll do it, I will ; and I will fo plague him, that he (han't know what to make of me He fliall be a very toad-eater to me; the four, the fweet, the bitter, he fhall fwallow all, and all (hall work upon him alike for my diverfion. Say nothing of it it's all among ourfelves; but I woji't be cruel. I hate ill- nature, and then who knows but I may like him ? Beau. 8 THECITIZEN: Beau. My dear, Maria, don't talk of liking him. Maria. Oh ! now you are beginning again. [Sings, Voi Amanti, &c. and exit.'] Beau. 'Sdeath, Wilding, I {hall never be your brother-in-law at this rate. Wild. Pfhaw, follow me ; don't be apprehenfive I'll give her farther inftrus bis fingers] hu(h ho! "The Ruffians (hail have Pruffia," [writes] The wife \wajhes andfmgs\ he " T here's a tiear." Round goes the grifkin again. [fnaps his Finger] " and Canada muft be reftor'd'' [wiita] and fo you have a picture of the whole family. Old 14 TtiE CITIZEN. Old. Phil. Ha, ha ! What becomes of his Greek and Latin row? Fine words butter no parfnips He had no money from you, I fuppofe, George ? G. Phil. Oh ! no j charity begins at home, fays I. Old Phil. And it was wifely faid I have an excel- lent faying when any man wants to borrow of me I am ready with my joke " a fool and his money arc foon parted" ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. Ha, ha Art old (kin-flint. [Jftde.'] Old Phil. Ay, ay a fool and his money are foon parted- ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. Now if I can wring a handfome fum out of him, it will prove the truth of what he fays. \_Afide.~\ And yet trade has its ineonveniencies Great houfes Hopping payment ! Old Phil. Hey what ! you look chagrin'd ! No- thing of that fort has happen'd to thee, I hope ? G. Phil. A great houfe at Cadiz Don John de Alvarada The Spanifli Galleons not making quick returns- and fo my bills are come back. Old Phil. Ay ! --[Shakes his head.] G. Phil. 1 have indeed a remittance from Meffina. That voyage yields me thirty percent, profit But this blow coming upon me* Old Phil. Why this is unlucky how much mo- ney? G. Phil. Three and twenty hundred. Old Phil. George, too many eggs in one bafket ; I'll tell thee, George, I expect Sir Jafper Wilding here prefently to conclude the treaty of marriage I have on foot for thee: then hufh this up, fay nothing of it, and in a day or two you pay thefe bills with his daughter's portion. G. Phil. The old rogue \afidt.~\ That will never do, I (hall be blown upon Change Alvarada will pay in time He has open'd his affairs He appears a good man. Old Phil. Does he ? G' Phil. A great fortune left; will pay in time, but I muft crack before that. Old Phi L It is unlucky! A good man you fay he is ? G. Phil. No body better. Old A F A R C E. i 5 Old Phil. Let me fee -Suppofe I lend this mo- ney? G. Phil. Ah, Sir. Old Phil. How much is your remittance from Meflina ? G. Phil. Seven hundred and fifty. Old Phil. Then you want fifteen hundred and fifty. G. Phil Exaaiy. Old Phil. Don Alvarada is a good man you fay? G. Phil. Yes, Sr. Old Phil. I will venture to lend the money You. muft allow me commiflion upon thofe bills for taking them up for honour of the drawer, G' Phil. Agreed. Old Phil. Lawful intereft, while I am out of my money. G. 'Phil. I fubfcribe. Old Phil A power of attorney to receive the monies from Alvarada, when he makes a payment. G. Phil. You (hall have it. Old Phil. Your own bond. G. Phil. To be fure. Old Phil. Go and get me a check You (hall have a draught on the bank. G. Phil. Yes, Sir, (going.) Old Phil. But ftay I had forgot I muft fell out for this Stocks are under par You muft pay the difference. G. Phil. Was ever fuch a leech, (aftde). By all means, Sir. Old Phil. Step and get me a check. G. Phil. A fool and his money are foon parted, [a/ide. [Exit G. Philpot. OLD PHIL POT, Solus. What with commiflion, lawful intereft, and his paying the difference of the flocks, which are higher now than when I bought in, this will be no bad morning's work; and then in the evening, I (hall be in the rareft fpirits for this new adventure I am re- commended to Let me fee what is the lady's name^ \fdkti a letter out.] Corinna ! ay, ay, by the defcrip- I tion 1(6 THE CITIZEN. tion fhe is a bale of goods I (hall be in rare fpirits Ay, this is the way, to indulge one's paffions and yet conceal them, and to mind one's bufinefs in the city here, as if one had no paffions at all I long for the ^evening methinks Body o'me I am a young man ftill. Enter QuiLDRiVE. Quill. Sir Jafper Wilding, Sir, and his daughter. Old Phil. 1 am at home. Enter Sir JASPER and MARIA. [Sir Jafper dr effect as a Fox-hunter , andfinglng. Old Phil. Sir Jafper, your very humble fervant. Sir Jafp. Matter Philpot, I be glad to zee ye, I am indeed. Old Phil. The like compliment to you, Sir Jafper. Mifs Maria, I kifs your fair hand. Maria. Sir, your moft obedient. Sir Jafper. Ay, ay, I ha brought un to zee you There's my girl I ben'tafham'd of my girl. Maria. That's more than I can fay of my father- luckily thefe people are as much ftrangers to decorum as my old gentleman, otherwife this vifit from a lady to meet her lover would have an odd appearance Tho' but late a boarding-fchool girl, I know enough of the world for that. [djide. Old Phil. Truly fhe is a blooming young lady, Sir Jafper, and I verily (hall like to take an intereft in her. Sir Jafp. I ha brought her to zee ye, and zo your zon may ha' her as foon as he will. Old Phil. Why fhe looks three and a half per cent. better than when 1 faw her laft. Maria, Then there is hopes that in a little time, I {hall be above par he rat.es me like a lottery-ticket. [Aftd*. Old Phil Ay, ay, I doubt net, Sirjafper: Mifs has the appearance of a very fenilble, difcreet young lady ; and to deal freely, without that (he would not do for my fon -^George is a fhrewd lad, and I have often heard him declare, no confideration fhouldever prevail $n hha to marry a fool. A F A -k C fc j ; Maria* Ay, you have told me fo before, old gen- tleman, and J have my cue from my brother; and if I don't foongive mafter George a furfeit of me, why then I am not a notable girl. \^f:de. J Enter GEORGE PHILPOT. G. Phil. A good clever old cuff this after my own heart 1 think I'll have his daughter, if it's only for the pleafure of hunting with hirn. Sir Jafp. Zon-in-law, gee us your hand What zay you ? Are you ready for my girl ? G. JPhii. Say grace as foon as you will, Sir, I'll fall too. Sir Jafp. Well zaid I like you - I like un mafter Philpot J like un I'll tell you what, let un talk to her now. Old Phil. And fo he (hall George, (he is a bale of goods ; fpeak her fair now, and then you'll be in cafli. G. Phil. I think I had rather not fpeak to her now I hate fpeaking to thofe modeft women Sir; Sir, a word in your ear ; had not I better break my mind^ by advertifing for her in a new's-paper ? Old Phil. Talk ferife to her, George ; fhe is a not- able girl and I'll give the draft upon the bank prefently. Sir Jafp. Come along, mafter Philpot come along j 1 ben't afraid of my girl come along. [Exeunt Sir Jafp. and Old Phi!.] Maria. A pretty fort of a lover they have found for me. [jfftde.'] G. Phil. How ftiall I fpeak my mind to her ? She! is almoft a ftranger to me. [dfidei] Maria. Now I'll make the hideous thing hate me if lean. [Afide.~\ G. Phil. Ay, fhe is as fljarp as a needle, I warrant .her. [A/Me.] Maria. When will he begin ? Ah, you fright! You rival Mr. Beaufort ? I'll give him an averfion to me, that's what I will ; and fo let him have the trouble of breaking offthe match: not a word yet he is in a fine confufion f Looks faelilb } I think I may as well fit down, Sir, D G. Phil. i& THE CITIZEN: G. Phil. Ma'am I I I [frighted*} I'll hand you a chair, Ma'am there, Ma'am. [Bows awkwardly. Maria. Sir, I thank you. G. Phil I'll fit down too. [In cwfufion.'} Maria. Heigh o ! G. Phil. Ma'am ! . Maria. Sir ! G. Phil. I thought 1 1 did not you fay fomething, Ma'am ? Maria. No, Sir j nothing. G. Phil. I beg your pardon, Ma'am. Maria. Oh ! you are a fvveet creature. [Afide.~\ G. Phil. The ice is broke now ; I have begun, and fol'H goan.[SitsJilettt>lPray Ma'am, are you inclin'd to matrimony ? Maria. Yes, Sir.. G. Phil. Are you in love ? Maria. Ye?, Sir. G. Phil. Thofe naturals are always amorous [afide.] How fhould you like me ? Maria. Of all things G. Phil. A girl without ceremony, \afide\ Do you love me ? Maria. Yes, Sir. G. Phil. But you don't love any body elfe ? Maria. Yes, Sir. G. Phil. Frank and free, (aftde}. But not fo well as me ? Maria. Yes, Sir. G. Phil. Better may be ? Maria. Yes, Sir. G. Phil. The devil you do! \_afide. "} And, perhaps, if I (hould marry you I fliould have a chance to be made a Maria. Yes, Sir. G. Phil. The cafe is clear ; Mifs Maria, your very humble fervantj you are not for my money, I pro- mife you. Maria. Sir. G. Phil. I have done, Ma'am, that's all, and I take my leave. Maria. But you'll marry me ? G. Phil. No, Ma'am, no ; No fuch thing You may provide yourfelf a hufband elfewhere, I am your humble fervant. Maria. Not marry me, Mr. Philpot? But you muft my papa fa:d you mult And I will have you. G. Phil. There's another proof of her nonfenfe, \afide. ~] Make yourfelf eafy, for I flial! have nothing to dp with you, Maria. 22 THE CITIZEN: Maria. Not marry me Mr. Philpot? (bur (Is out in tears} but I fay you fhuil, and I will have a hufband, or I'll know th reafon why You fhall You fhali . G. PI-.il. A pretty fort of a wife they intend for me here- Maria. I wonder you an't afham'd of yourfelf to affront a young girl in this manner. I'll go and tell my papa I will I will I will. [crying bitterly. G. Phil. And fo you may I have no more to fay to you and fo your fejvant, Mils your fervant. /. Ay.! and by gales! my brother Bob (hall fl'.t }0". G' Phil, What care I for your brother Bob ? [going. -Maria, How can you be fo cruel, Mr. Philpot ? how can you -oh [cries and ftriigles with him. jrf*/OPhil Ha ! hall have carried my brother's fcheme into ex-- ecution charmingly; ha ! ha ! He will break off the match now of his own accord Ha! ha ! This js charming ; this is fine ; this is like a girl of fpirir. END of the FIRST ACT. SCENE I. Enter C o R I N N A , TOM following her. Cor. A N elderly gentleman did you fay ? J^\. Tsm. Yes $ that fays he has got a letter for you, Ma'am. Cor. Defire the gentleman to walk up ftaia". [Exit. Tom.]Thefe old fellows will be coming after a body but they pay well, and fo Servant, Sir. Enter OLD PHILPOT. Old Phil. Fair Lady, your very humble fervant Truly a blooming young girl ! Madam, I have a letter here for you from Bob Poacher, whom, I prefume, you know. Cor. Yes, Sir, I know Bob Poacher He is a very good friend of mine; (reads to her/elf) he fpeaks fo handfomely of you, Sir, and fays you are fo much of the A FARCE. 23 the gentleman, that, to be fure, Sir, I fhall endeavour to be agreeable, Sir. Old Phil. Really you are very agreeable You fee I am punctual to my hour. [Looks at his watch. Cor. That is a mighty pretty watch, Sir. Old Phil. Yes, Madam, it is a repeater; it has been in our family for a long time This is a mighty pretty lodging I have twenty guineas here in a purfe, here they are ; (turns them out upon the table] as pretty golden rogues as ever fair fingers play'd with. Cor. I am always agreeable to any th.ng from a gentleman. Old Phil. There are [af;de.~\ fome light guineas among them 1 always put off my light guineas in this way You are exceedingly welcome, Madam. Your fair hand looks fo tempting, I muft kifs it-r Oh! I could eat it up Fair lady, your lips look fo cherry They adtually invite the touch j {kijjes} really it makes the difference of cent, per cent, in one's conftitution You have really a mighty pretty foot Oh, you little rogue I could Another you with kifles Oh you little delicate, charming \jki]Jes her. GEORGE PHILPOT, within. G. Phil. Gee-houp ! Awhi ! Awhi ! Gallows ! Awhi! Old Phil. Hey What is all that ? Somebody coming ! Cor. Some young rake,I fancy, coming in whether my fervants will or no. Old Phil. What {hall I do? I would not be feen for the world Can't you hide me in that room ? Cor. Dear heart ! no, Sir Thefe wild young fellows take fuch liberties He may take it inco his head to go in there, and then you will be detected Get under the table He fhan't remain long whoever he is Here Hsre, Sir, get under here. Old Phil. Ay, ay ; that will do Don't let him ftay long--Give me another bufs Wounds! I could- XV, Hufli ! Make hade. Old 24 T H E C I T I Z E N : Old Pill. Ay; ay; I will fair lady [Creeps under the table and peeps out.] Don't let him flay long. Cor. Hufh ! Silence ! you will ruin all elfe. Enter G. PHILPOT, drefid out. G. Phil. Sharper do your work Awhi ! Awhi ! So my girl -how doft do ? Cor. Very well, thank you I did not expe& to fee you fo foon I thought you was to be at the club The fervants told me you came back from the city at two o'clock to drefs, and fo I concluded you would have ftaid all night as ufual. G. Phil. No ; the run was againft me again, and I did not care to purfue ill-fortune. But 1 am ftrong in caflb, my girl. Cor. Are you ? G. Phil. Yes, yes Sufkins in plenty. Old Phil, [peeping] Ah the ungracious ! Thefe are yourhauntSj are they? G. Phil. Yes, yes ; I am ftrong in cafh I have taken in old curmudgeon fincel law you. Cor. As how, pray ? Old Phil, [peeping out] Ay, as how ; let us hear a pray. G. Phi!. Why, I'll tell you. Old Phil, [peeping] Ay ! let us hear. G. Phil. I talk'd a world of wifdom to him. Old Phil. Ay ! G. Phil. Tipt him a few rafcally fentiments of 2 fcoundrelly kind of prudence. Old Phil Ay ! G. Phil. The old curmudgeon chuckled at it. Old Phil. Ay, ay ; the old curmudgeon ? ay, ay. G. Phil. He is a fad old fellow ! Old Phil. Ay ! Go on. .G. Phil. And fo I appeared to him as deferring of the gallows as he is himfdf. Old Phil. Well (aid boy, well faid Go on. G 1 . Phil. And then he took a liking to me Ay, ay, fays he, ay, friendfhip has nothing to do with trade- George, thou art a (on after my own heart j and then as A F A R C Ei 25 as 1 dealt out little maxims of penury, he grinn'd like a Jew broker, when he has cheated his principal of ah eighth per cent. And cried ay, ay, that is the very fpirit of trade A fool and his money are foon parted (mimicking him) and fo, on he went, like Harlequin in a French comedy, tickling himfelf into a good humour, till, at laft, I tickled him out of fif- teen hundred and odd pounds. Old Phil. I have a mind to rife and break his bones But then I difcover myfelf Lie ftill, Ifaac, lie (till. G. Phil. Qh ! I underftand trap 4 talked of a great houfe flopping payment The thing was true enough, but I had no dealing with them. Old. Phil Ay, ay. G. Phil. And fo, for fear of breaking off a match with an ideot he wants me to marry, he lent me the money, and cheated me tho'. Old Phil. Ay, you have found it out Have ye ? G. Phil. No old ufurer in England, grown hard- hearted in his trade, could have dealt worfe with me I muft have commiffion upon thefe bills for taking them up for honour of the drawer Your bond Law- ful intereft, while I am out of my money ; and the difference for felling out of the flocks an old miferly good for nothing fkin-flint. Old Phil. My blood boils to be at him Go on, can you tell us a little more ? G. Phil. Po ! he is an old curmudgeon And fo I will talk no more about him Come give me a kifs. [they kifs. Old Phil. The young dog, how he fattens his lips to her ! G. Phil. You fhall go with me to Epfom next Sunday. Cor. Shall I ? That's charming. G. Phil. You (hall, in my chariot I drive. Cor. But I don't like to fee you drive. G' Phil. But I like it, I am as good a coachman as any in England There was my lord What d'ye call him He kept a ftage-coach for his own driving, but, Lord! he was nothing to me. E Or, 26 THE CITIZEN: Cor. No ! G Phil. Oh ! no I know my road-work, my girl, When I have my coachman's hat on is my hat come home ? ' Cor It hangs up yonder ! but I don't like it. G. Phil. Let me fee it Ay ! the very thing' Mind me when I go to work Throw my eyes about a few Handle the braces Take the off- leader by the jaw Here you how have you curbed this horfe up ? Let him out a link, do you blood of a Whoo Eh IJewelButton ! Whoo Eh! Come here, you Sir, how have you coupled Gal- lows ? you know he'll take the bar of Sharper Take him in two holes, do There's four pretty little knots as any in England Whoo Eh ! Cor. But can't you let your coachman drive ? G. Phil. No, po-T See me mount the box, handle the reins, my wrift turned down, fquare my elbows, ftamp with my foot Gee up ! Off we go- Button, do you want to have us over ! Do your work do Awhi ! awhi ! There we bowl away ; fee how (harp they are Gallows !--- Softly up hi' [w/;//^/^Jthere's a public-houfe Give 'em a mouthful of water, do And fetch me a dram Drink it off Gee up I Awhi ! Awhi ! There we go fcrambling altogether Reach Epfom in an hour and forty- three minutes, all Lombard-ftreet to an egg-fhell, we do There's ynur work my gi;l ! Eh! damn me. Old. Phil. Mercy on me ! What a profligate de- dauched younjr do<> it is. Enter YOUNG WILDING. IVild. Ha ! my little Corinna- Sir, your fervant. G. Phil. Your fervant, Sir. Wild. Sir, your Servant. G. Phil. Any commands for me, Sir? mid. For you, Sir ? G. Phil. Yes, for me, Sir ? Wild. No, Sir, I have no commands for you. G. Phil What's your bufmefs? Witt. Bufinef* ! G. Phil. Ay, bufmefs. Wild,, A F A R C ft 27 . Why, very good bufinefs I think My littl 6 Corinna My life My little G Phil. Is that your bufinefs ? Pray, Sir, Not fo free, Sir. Wild. Not fo free ! G. Phil. No, Sir ! that lady belongs to me. Wild. To you, Sir ! G. Phil. Yes, to me. Wild. To you ! Who are you ? G. Phil. As good a man a -, you. Wild. Upon my word ! Who is this fellow, Corinna? Some journeyman-taylor, I ftippofe, who chufes to try on the gentleman's deaths before he carries them home. G. Phil. Taylor ! What do you mean by that ? You lie ! I am no taylor. Wild. You mall give me fatisfation for that! G. Phil. For what ? Wild. For giving me the lie. G. Phil. I did not. Wild. You did, Sir. G. Phil. You ]ie j I'll bet you five pounds I did not But if you have a mind for a frolick Let me put by my fword Now, Sir, come on [In a boxing attitude. Wild. Why, you fcoundrel, do you think I want to box ? Draw, Sir, this moment. G. Phil. Not I come on. Wild. Draw, or I'll cut you to pieces. G. Phil. I'll give you fatisfa&ion this way [p'ujhes at, him.] Wild. Draw, Sir, Draw; You won't draw ! There, take that, Sirrah and that and that, you fcoundrel. Old Phil. Ay, ay ; well done; lay it on [peeps out. Wild. And there you rafcal ; and there. Old Phil. Thank you ; thank you Could not you find in your heart to lay him on another for me ? Cor. Pray, don't be in fuch a paffion, Sir/- Wild. My dear, Corinna, don't be frigbten'd j I (hail n,ot murder him. E ^ OU. 28 THE CITIZEN: Old Phil. I am fafe here lie ftill Ifeac, lie ftill I am fafe - Wild. The fellow has put me out of breath. [Sits down.] [Old Philpot's watch Jlrikes ten under the table] Whofe watch is that? [Jlairs round] Hey! what is all this? [looks under the table] your humble fervant, Sir! Turn out pray, turn out You won't Then I'll unfhell you. [Takes away the table.] Your very humble fervant, Sir. G. Phil. Zounds ! my father there all this time I Wild. I fuppofe you will give me the lie too Old Phil. [Still on the ground.] No Sir ; not I truly, But the gentleman there may divert himfelf again if he has a mind. Wild. No, Sir, not I ; I pafs. Old Phil. George, you are there I fee. G. Phil. Yes, Sir, and you are there I fee. Wild. Come rife Who is this old fellow ? Cor. Upon my word I don't know As I live and breathe I don't he came after my maid, I fuppofe ; I'll go and afk her let me run out of the way, and hide myfelf from this fcene of confufion. I Exit Corinna. G. Phil. What an Imp of hell fhe is. [^/fcfc. Wild. Come, get up Sir j you are too old to be beat. Old Phil. [Rifmg.] In troth, fol am But there you may exercife yourfelf again if you pleafe. G. Phil. No more for me, Sir-* I thank you. Old Phil. I have made but a bad voyage of it The fliip is funk, and ftock and block loft. [dftde. Wild. Ha, ha ! upon my foul, I can't help laug at his old fquare toes As for you, Sir, you havehaJ what you deferv'd Ha, ha ! you are a kind cull, I fuppofe ha, ha ! And you, reverend dad, you mu^ come here tottering after a punk, ha, ha ! Old Phil. Oh ! George ! George ! G. /<*'/. Oh! father! father! Wild. Ha, ha ! what father and fon F And fo yota have found ope another out, ha, ha ! -Well, you A F A R C . 39 way have bufmefs, and fo, gentlemen, I'll leave you to yourfelves. [Exit^ G. Phil. This is too much to bear What an in- famous jade fhe is ! All her contrivance ! don't be angry with me, Sir I'll go my ways this moment, tic myfelf up in this matrimonial noofe and never have any thing to do with thefe courfes again. [Going^ Old Phil. And hark you, George; tie me up in a real noofe, and turn meoffasfoonas you will. [Exeunt, Enter BEAUFORT, dreffed as a lawyer^ andSiR JAS- PER WIL D ING, with a battle andglafs in bis hand. Beau. No more, Sir Jafper, I can't drink any more. Sir jfa/p.Why you be but a weezen-fac'd drinker, jnafter Quagmire come, man, finilh this bottle. Beau. I beg to be excufed you had better let me read over the deeds to you. Sir Jafp. Zounds ! it's all about out-houfes, and melluages, and barns, and ftables, and orchards, and meadows, and lands and tenements, and woods and underwoods, and commons, and backfides. I am o'the commiflion for Wilts, and I know the ley, and fo truce with your jargon, mafter Quagmire. Beau. But, Sir, you don't confider, marriage is an. affair of importance it is contracted between per- fons, firft confenting ; fecondly, free from canonical impediments; thirdly, free from civil impediments, and can only be diffolved for canonical caufes or levjf tical caufes See Leviticus xvii^. and xxviii Harry VIII. chapter vii. Sir Jafp. You fhall drink t'other Bumper, an yoa falk of ley. Enter a Servant. Ser. Old Mr. Philpot, Sir, and his fon. Sir Jafp. Wounds ! that's right, they'll take me put of the hand of this lawyer here. [Exit. BEAUFORT, fotus, 'Beau. Well done, Beaufort ! thus far you haye play'd your part, as if you had been of the pumple- po|e family of FurnivaJVInn, 30 THE CITIZEN: Sir Jafp. Mafter Phil pot, I be glad you are come ; tliis man here has fo plagued me with his ley, but now v.e'llhaveno more about it, butfign the papers at once. Old Phil. Sir Jafper, twenty thoufand Pounds you, fcnow is a great deal of money - 1 (hould not give you fo much, if it was not for the fake of your daughter's marrying my fon j fo that if you will al- low me difcount for prompt payment, I will pay the money down. G, Phil. Sir, I mud beg to fee the young lady once more, before 1 embark ; for to be plain, Sir, ihe ap- pears to me a mere natural. Sir Jafp. I'll teil you what, youngfter, I find my girl a notable wench and here, here's zon Bob. Enter YOUNG WILDING. Sir "jfrifp' Bob, gee us your hand - 1 ha' nnifh'd ihe buiinefs and zo now hae, here, here's your vather-iii-law. Old Phil. Of all the birds in the air, is that he ![/^fe, b meant no harm here, here, Bob here's your vather, and there's your brother 1 fhould liketoha'zeen un under the table. Wild. Gentlemen, your moft obedient. [Stifling a laugh. Old Phil. Sir, your fervant He has lick'd Geo:ge well and I forgive him. Sir Jafp. Well, young gentleman, which way is your mind now. G. Phil. Why, Sir, to be plain, I find your daughter an ideot. Sir Jafp. Zee her ngain fh.cn zee her again here, you, iirrah, lend cur Moil hither. Ser. Yes Sir. Sir Jafp. Very well then, we'll go into t'other room, crack a bottle, and fettle matters there ; and leave un together Hoic ! hoic ^-Our Moll-' Tally over Enter MARIA. Maria. Did you call me, papa ? Sir Jafp. I did, my gir! There, the gentleman wants to fpeak with you Behave like a clever wench as you are -come along mv boys Mafbr Quagmire, come and fin;fh the bufinefs. [Exit finging, with Old Philpot and Beaufort, manent George ana Maria.] G. Phil. 32 THE CITIZEN: G. Phil. I know flie is a fool, and fo I will fpeak ter her without ceremony Well, Mifs, you told me you could rend and write? Maria. Read, Sir, Heavens ! [Looking at him. ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. What does file laugh at ? Maria. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. What diverts you fo, pray ? Maria. Ha, ha, ha! What a fine taudry figure you have made of yourfelf ? ha, ha ! G. Phil. Figure, Madam ! Maria. I Hull die, I {hall die ! ha, ha, ha \ G. Phil. Do vou make a laughing-fti ck of me ? Maria. No, Sir, by no means ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. Let me teil you, Mifs, I don't underhand teing treated thus. Maria. Sir, I can't poflibly help it I I ha, ha F G. Phil. I fhall quit the room, and tell your papa, if you go on thus. Maria. Sir, t beg your pardon a thoufand times I am but a giddy girl I cannot help it I 1 ha, ha f G. Phil. Ma'am, this is down right infult. Maria. Sir, you look fomehow or Qthei 1 don't know how, fo comically ha, ha ha ! G. Phil. Did you never fee a gentleman drefs'd be- fore ? Maria. Never like you I beg your pardon, Sir ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. Now here is an ideot in fpirits-! tell you this is your ignorance 1 am drefs'd in high tafte. jWari.-i. Yes, fo you are ha, ha, ha ! G. Phil. Will you have done laughing ? Maria. Yes, Sir, I will 1 will there there there 1 have done. G. Fiji/. Do fo then, and behave yourfelf a little fed ate. Maria. I will, Sir; 1 won't look at him, and then I (han't laugh G. Phil. Let me tell you, Mifs, that nobody under- ftands drefs better than I do. Maria. Ha, ha, ha ! G, Phil. She's mad furel Maria* A * A R C t. M Maria. No, Sir, I am not mad I have done, Sir t have done I affure you, Sir, that no body is more averfe from ill manners, and would take greater pains not to affront a gentleman ha, ha, ha! G. Phil. Again ! Zounds! What do you mean! you'll put me in a paffion, I can tell you, preferrtly. Maria. I can't help it Indeed I can't Beat me if youwill, butletme laugh I can'theJpit ha, ha, ha! G. PhiL I never met with fuch ufage in my life. Maria. I fbiall die Do, Sir, let me laugh It will do me good ha, ha, ha ! [Falls down in a fit of 'laughing. ] G. Phil. If this is your way, I won't flay a moment longer in the room I'll go this moment and tell your father. Maria. Sir, Sir, Mr. Philpotj don't be fo hafty,Sir I have done, Sir ; it's over now -I have had my laugh out I am a giddy girl but I'll be grave I'll compofe myfelf and a6t a different fcene with him from what I did in the morning. 1 have all the materials of an impertinent wit, and 1 will now twirl him about the room, like a boy fetting up his top with his finger and thumb. [Afide. G. Phil. Mifs, I think you told me you can read and write. Maria. Read, Sir I Reading is the delight of my life Do you love reading, Sir ? G. Phil. Prodigioufly How pert (he is grown I have read very little, and I'm refolv'd for the future to read lefs. [dfide.'] What have you read, Mifs? Maria. Every thing. G. Phil. You have ? Maria. Yes, Sir, I have. G. Phil. Oh ! brave and do you remember what you read, Mifs? Maria. Not fo well as I could wifh Wits have fhort memories. G, Phil. Oh ! you are a wit too ? Maria. I am and do you know that I feel myfelf provok'd to a fimile now ? G.. Phil. Provok'd to a fimile ! Let us hear it ! F Maria., 34 THE CITIZEN. Maria. What do you think we are both like ? G. Phil. Well - Maria. Like Cymon and Iphigcnra in Dryden'a fable. G. Phil. Jenny in Dryden's fable ! Maria. The fanning breeze upon her bofom blows ; To meet the fanning breeze her bofam rofe. That's me - now you. He trudgd along, unknowing what he fought ', jtndwhij}ledashewent[m\m\c}ns'] for want of thought. G. Phil. This is not the fame girl. [Difconcerted. Maria. Mark again, mark again : The fool of nature flood with ftupid eyes y And gaping mouth that teftified Jur prize. [He looks ftonjhy/he laughs at him* G. Phil I muft take care how I fpeak to her ; me is not the fool I took her for. [Afide. Maria. You feem furpriz'd, Sir - but this is my way I read, Sir, and then I apply I have read every thing; Suckling, Waller,Milton,Dryden,Landfdown, Gay, Prior, Swift, Addifon, Pope,Young,Thompfon, G. Phil. Hey ! the devil what a clack is here ! [He walks a-crofs thejlagg. Maria. [Following him eagerly.] Shakefpear, Flet- cher, Otway, Southern, Rowe, Congreve, Wicherly, Farquhar, Cibber, Vanbrugh, Steel, in fhort every body ; and I find them all wit, fire, vivacity, fpirit, genius, tafte, imagination, raillery, humour, charac- ter, and fentiment Well done, Mifs Notable ! you have play'd your part like a young a&refs in high favour with the town. \_/lfidc. G. Phil* Her tongue goes like a water-mill. Maria. What do you fay to me now, Sir ? G. Phil. Say! I don't know what the devil to fay. Maria. What's the matter, Sir ? Why you look as if the flocks were fallen or like London-bridge at low water or like a waterman when the Thames is frozen or like a politician without news or like a prude without fcandal or like a great lawyer with- out a brief or like feme lawyers with one or - G, Fb'rL A F A R C E. 35 G. Phil. Or like a poor devil of a hufband henpeck'd by a wit, and fo fay no more of that What a capri- cious piece here is ! [dfide. Maria. Oh, fy! you have fpoil'd all I had not half done. G- Phil. There is enough of all confcience You may content yourfelf. Maria. But I can't be fo eafily contented 1 like a fimile half a mile long. G. Phil. I fee you do. Maria. Oh ! And I make verfes too verfes like an angel off hand extempore Can you give me an extempore ? G. Phil. What does flie mean ! no, MifsI have never a one about me. Maria. You can't give me an extempore Oh ! for fhame, Mr. Philpot I love an extempore of all things; and I love the poets dearly, their fenfe fo fine, their in- vention rich as Pa&olus. G. Phil. A poet rich as Paclolus ! I have heard of Padlolus in the city. Maria. Very like. G. Phil. But you never heard of a poet as rich as he. Maria. As who ? G. Phi!. Pactolus He was a great Jew merchant liv'd in the ward of Farringdon without. Maria. Padlolus, a Jew merchant ! Pa&olus is a river. G. Phil. A river ! Maria. Yes don't you underftand geography ? G. Phil. The girl's crazy ! Matta. Oh \ Sir if you don't underftand geogra- phy, you are nobody i underftand geograghy, and I underftand orthography ; you know 1 told you J can write and I can cjance too will you dance a minuet ? [Sings and dances.'] G' Phil. You (han't lead me a dance, I promifeyou. Maria. Oh ! very well, Sir you refufe me rernember you'll hear immediately of my being mar- ried to another, and then you'll be ready to hang your- Jcit G> Phil. Not I, I promife you, 56 THE CITIZEN. Maria. Oh ! very well very well remember mark my words I'll do it you (hall fee ha, ha ! [Runs off in a Jit of laugbing.~\ QEORGE folus. G. Phil. Marry you! I would as foon carry my wife to live in Bow-ftreet, and write over the ctoor " Phil- *' pot's punch-houfe." Enter OLD PHILPOT and Sir JASPER. Sir Jajp. [Singing] " So rarely fo bravely we'll hunt ** him over the downs,and we'll hoop and we'll hollow.'* Gee us your hand, young gentleman; well what zay ye to un now ? Ben't fhe a clever girl ? G. PhiL A very extraordinary girl indeed. Sir Ja/p Did not I tell un zo then you have nothing to do but to confummate as foon as you will. G. Phil. No, you may keep her, Sir 1 thank you I'll have nothing to do with her. Old PhiL What's the matter now, George ? G, Phil. Po ! fhe is a wit. Sir *Jafp. Ay! I told un zo. G. PM. And that's worfe than t'other 1 am off, Sir. Sir Jajp. Odds heart ! I am afraid you are no great wit. Enter MARIA. Maria. Well, papa, the gentleman won't have me. Old Phil. The numfkull won't do as his father bids him ; and fo, Sir Jafper, with your cpnfent I'll make a, propofal to the young lady myfelf. Maria. How ! what does he fay ? Old PhiL 1 am in the prime of my days, and I can, be a brifk lover ft HI Fair Lady, a glance of your eye is like the returning fun in the fpring -It melts away the froft of age, and gives a new warmth an4 vigour to all nature. [Falls a coughing. Maria. Dear heart ! I fhould like to have a fcene lyith him. fit A F A R C E. & Sir Jafp. Hey! What's in the wind now ! This won't take^- My girl (hall have fair play No old fellow (hall totter to her bed What fay you, my girl, will you rock his cradle ? Maria. Sir, I have one fmall doubt *-Pray can I have two hufbands at a time ? G. Phil. There's a queftion now ! She is grown foolifli again. Old Phil. Fair lady, the law of the land Sir Jafp' Hold ye, hold ye; let me talk of law ; I Jcnow the law better nor any on ye Two hufband* at once No ; no Men are fcarce, and that's down-right poaching. Maria. I am forry for it, Sir For then I can't marry him, I fee. Sir Jafp. Why not ? Maria. I am contracted to another. Sir Jajp. Contraded ! To whom ? Maria. To Mr. Beaufort That gentleman, Sir. Old Phil. That gentleman ! Beau. Yes, Sir, [Throws open bis gown} My name is Beaufort And, I hope, Sir Jafper^ when you con- lider my fortune, and my real affection for your daughter, you will generoufly forgive the ftratagem I have made ufe of. Sir Jafp. Mafter Quagmire ! What are you young Beaufort all/this time ? Old Phil. That won't take, Sir That won't take. Beau. But it muft take, Sir You have fign'd the deeds for your daughter's marriage; and, Sir Jafper, by this inftrument has made me his fon-in-law. Old Phil. How is this? How is this? Then, Sir Jafper, you will agree to cancel the deeds, I fuppofe, 'for you know Sir Jafp. Catch me at that, an ye can ! I fulfill'd my promife, and your fon refufed, and fo the wench has looked out flily for herfelf elfewhere. Did I not tell you fhe was a clever girl ? I ben't afham'd o' my gh J * Qur Moll, you have done no harm, and Mr, Beaufort 3 S THE CITIZEN. Beaufort is welcome to you with all my heart. Ill ftand to what 1 have figned, though you have taken me by furprize. Wild. Bravo ! my fcheme has fucceeded rarely. Old bil. And fo here I am bubbled and choufed autof my money George! George! what a day's work have we made of it:~ Well, if ic rnuft be fo, be it fo 1 defire, young gentleman, you wili come and take my daughter away to-morrow morning Aad, I'll tejl you what, here, here Take my family watch into the bargain; and I with it may play you juil fuch another trick as ic has me ; that's all I'll never go intriguing with a family watch again. Maria. Well, Sir! [To Q, Phi'.] What do you think of me now ? An't I a connoiilsur, Sir! and a uirtuofo ha ! ha ! (?. Phil. Yes; and much good may do your.h'jiband I have been connoiflour'd among ye to fume pur- jpafe Bubbled at play dup'd by my wench cudgel'd by a rake laugh'd at by a girl detected by my father and there is the funi total of all I fcave got at this end of the town. Q14 Pbil. This end of the town ! I defire never to fee it again while I live I'll pop into a hackney- coach this moment, drive to Mincing- iaoe, and never venture back to this fide of Temple-bar. [Going. } G. Pbil. And, Sir, Sir ! fhall I drive you ? Old Phil. Ay, you or any-body. [Exit. J G. Pbil I'll overturn tfte old hocus at the firft cor- ner. [Following him.} Sirjajp. They (han't go zo, neither they fhall ay and crack a bottle. [Exit after them.] Maria. Weil, brother, how have \ play'd my part? S} Toam ' raC ! e ' Maria. Have I ? I don't know how that is - Leve urgd me on fo try all wily arts fa win your [To Beaufort.] No! not yours - fo min your hearts. [To the Audience.] ")four heat ts to win is now my aim alone ; *f Tb*re if 1 OJQW the harveft i; your own." I PI, E P I L O G U E, By OLD PHJLPOT and GEORGE PHILPOT. ! George, George, George ! 'tis fiich-j young rakes as you, That bring vile jokes, and foul difhonour too, J> Upon our city youth. Ceo. - - 'Tis very true. j Fath. St. James's end o'th' town Geo.-' - . . i , No place for inc. Fatb. No truly no their manners difagree With ours intirely yet you there muft run, To ape their follies - Geo. - ' And fo am undone, Fatb. There you all learn a vanity in vice, You turn mere fops-' -you game GW. . .. Oh damn the dkre, Fatb. Bubbled at play - Geo. -- Yes, Sir - Fatb. - By every common cforaf, Ges. Ay! here's two witnefles [Pulls out bis packets.^ Path. - - You get well beat^. Geo. A wituefs too of that, [Jbews bis head'] and there"* another. [To Young Wilding, Path, You dare to give affronts Geo. --- Zounds fuch a pother ! Path. Affronts to gentlemen ! Geo. ' - . - 'Tvvas a rafli action <~ Fatb. Damn'e,you lie ! I'll give you fatisfa&ion. [Mimicking.] Drawn in by (trumpets, and detected too ! Geo. That's a fad thing, Sir ! I'll bejudg'd by you Path. The dog he has me there - Geo. - - - Think you it right- Under a table - path. - - Miferable plight ! Get. For grave threefcore to fculk with trembHnj kneees, And envy each young lover that he fees ! Think you it fitting thus abroad to roam? Fatb. Wcu'd I had ftay'd to caft accounts at home. Lie ) EPILOGUE. Ceo. Ay ! there's another vice path. - Sirrah give o'er. *J Gey. You brood for ever o'er your much lov'd ftore # C And fcraping cent, per cent, ftill pine for more, j At Jonathan's, where millions are undone, Now cheat a nation, and now cheat your fon. Path. Rafcal, enough ! Q ea . I could add, but am loth* . Fatb. Enough ! this jury [to the audience'] will con- vict us both. Geo. Then to the court we'd better make fubmifllon. Ladies and gentlemen, with true contrition, I here repent my faults ye courtly train, Farewel ! farewel, ye giddy and ye vain ! I now take up forfake the gay and witty, To live henceforth a credit to the city. Fatb. You fee me here quite cover'd o'er with fhame, I hate long fpeeches But I'll do the fame. Come, George To mend is all the beft can boaft. Gto. Then let us in Fatb. And this fhall be our toaft, May Britain's thunder on her foes be hurl'd, (Sto. And London prove the market of the world ! FINIS. WHAT we muft ALL come to; A COMEDY In TWO ACTS, As it was intended to be ACTED at the THEATfcE-RoYAL in CoVENT-GARDEK* - : Otium et oppicfi Laudat riira fui Nuga feria duceht In mala HOK:. LONDON, Printed for P. VAILLANT, facing Southarapfon-ftreef/ in the Strand. MDCCLXIV. (Price One Shilling.) Advertifement. idea of the Character ^DRUGGET, in the following piec$, was taken from a paper writtcJt by Mr. POPE, and publljhed in the Guardian, No. .173.. The reader will perceive feme JiricJures of true humour front thence inferte4 in this little Comedy* I'he. vio- lent differences between Sir CHa rle s and Lady Rackett about a trifle, and the renewal of thofe differences by venturing, after they had fubjided, to rejume the object in thorough ^ood humour, are, it is conceived, founded in Na- ture, becaufe Jimilar incidents often occur in real life. *To Jhvw the pajjioris thus frivol- oujly agitated, and to point out the ridicule fpringing from their various turns and jhift- ings-, wat the main drift of the enfuingfcenes. Butfome people were determined not to hear, and the Author could not be induced by any- pri- vate motives to fend the Performers a fecond time into fo painful a fervice as that of the Stage always is, when a few are unwilling to be entertained, Lincoln's Inn, January 10, 1764. Dramatis Perfbns& MEN. Sir CHARLES RACKETT, Mr. DYER: DRUGGET, Mr. SHUTER; LOVELACE, Mr. CUSHING. WOODLEY, Mr. WHITE. WOMEN. Lady RACKETT, Mifs ELLIOT: Mrs. DRUGGET, Mrs. PITT. NANCY, MifsHALLAM. DIMITY, Mrs, GREEN. A Servant, &c. WHAT we muft ALL come to. ACT I. Enter WOODLEY and DIMITY. Dimity. ! Po! no fuch thing I tell y ou ^ r * Woodley, yoa are a mere novice in thefe affairs. Wood. Nay, but Men to reafon, Mrs. Dimity has not your ma Her, Mr. Drugget, invited me down to his country - hoisfe, in order to give me his daughter Nancy in marriage ; and with what pre- tence can he now break off? Dim. What pretence ! - you put a body out of all patience but go on your own way, Sir ; my advice is all loft upon you. Wood, Come now, do me juftice have not I fVd an intereft in the young lady's heart ? Dim. An interefl in a fiddlefiick ? You ought to have made love to the father and B mother 2 WHAT WE MUST mother what, do you think the way to get a wife, is by fpeaking fine things, to the lady you've a fancy for ? That was the practice, indeed, hut things are alter'd now you muft addrefs the old people, Sir; and never trouble your head about your miftrefs -None of your letters, and verfes, and foft looks, and fine fpeeches, -" Have companion, thou angelic crea- ture, on a poor, dying " Pfhaw ! (luff I nonienfe ! all out of fafhion. Go your ways to the old Curmudgeon, humour his whims "I ftiall efteem it an honour, Sir, to he allied to a gentleman of your rank and tafte." tf Upon my word, he's a pretty young gentleman/' ^ Then wheel about to the mother : " Your daughter, Ma'am, is the very model of you, and 1 fhall adore her for your fake." " Here, come hither, Nancy, take this gentleman for better for worfe." " La, Mama, I can never confent."-r- " 1 fhould not have thought of your confent-^- the confent of your relations is enough : why how now, Huffey ! So away you go to church, the knot is tied, and you quarrel like contrary elements all the reft of your lives that's the way of the world now. Wwd. But you know, my dear Dimity, the old couple have received every mark of attention from me. Dim.- ALL COME TO. 3 Dim. Attention ! to be fare you did not fall afleep in their company ; but what then ? -You mould have entered into their cha- racters, play'd with their humours, and fa- crificed to their abfurdities. V/ood. But if my temper is too frank Dim. Frank, indeed ! I hate the word, except when I receive a letter. Have not you to do with a rich old fhopkeeper, re- tired from bufmefs with an hundred thou- fand pounds in his pocket, to enjoy the duft of the London road, which he calls living in the country and yet you muft find fault with his fit nation ! What if he has made a ridiculous gimcrack of his houfe and gardens, you know his heart is fet up- on it ; and could not you have commended his tafte ? But you muft be too frank ! *' Thofe walks and alleys are too regular thofe evergreens Ihould not be cut into luch fantaftic mapes." And thus you ad- vife a poor old mechanic, who delights in every thing that's monftrous, to follow nature -Oh, you're likely to be a fuccefs- ful lover ! Wood. But why fhould not I fave a father- in-law from being a laughing-flock ? Dim. Make him yourtather-in-law firft Wood. Why he can't open his windows for the duft he ftands all day looking thro' a pane of glafs; and he calls that living in the frefh air, and enjoying his own thoughts. B 2 ' Dim. 4 W H A T W E MUST Dim. Po ! Po! you have ruin'd your- felf by talking ienfe to him j and all your nonfente to the daughter won't make amends for it. And then the mother ; how have you play'd your cards in that quarter r She wants a tinfel man of fadiion for her fecond daughter " Don't you ice (lays (lie) how happy my eldeft girl is made by marrying Sir Charles Rackett Nancy (hall have a man of quality too." Wood. And yet I know Sir Charles Rac- ket t perfectly well. Dim. Yes, fo do I ; and I know he'll make his lady wretched at laft But what then ? -You mould have humour'd the old folks, you fhould have been a talking empty fop, to the good old lady ; and to tire old gentleman, an admirer of his tafte in gardening. But you have loft him* he is grown fond of this beau Lovelace, that's here in the houfe with him ; the coxcomb ingratiates hirnfelf by flattery, and you're undone by franknefs. Wood. And yet, Dimity, I won't defpair. Dim. And yet you have reafon, a million of reafons To-morrow is fix'd for the wedding-day ; Sir Charles and his lady are to be here this very night they are engag'd, indeed, at a great rout in town, but they take a bed here, notwithstanding. The family is fitting up for them; Mr. Drugget will keep ye all up, in the next room there, till ALLCOME TO. $ till they arrive and to-morrow the bufinefs is over and yet you don't defpair ! Bum ! hold your tongue; here he comes, and Lovelace with him. * Step this way with me, and I'll devife fomething, I warrant you. Tis enough to vex a body, to fee an old father and mother marrying their daugh- ter as they pleafe, in fpite of all I can do. [Exeunt. Enter DRUGGET and LOVELACE. Drug. And fo you like my houfe and gardens, Mr. Lovelace. Love. Oh ! perfectly, Sir; they gratify my tafte of all things. One fees villas where nature reigns in a wild kind of fimplicity ; but then they have no appearance of art, no art at all. Drug. Very true, rightly diftinguim'd : now mine is all art ; no wild nature here ; I did it all myfelf. Love. What, had you none of the great proficients in gardening to afiift you ? Drug. Lackaday! no, ha ! ha! I did it all myfelf I love my garden. The front of my houfe, Mr. Lovelace, is not that very pretty ? Love. Elegant to a degree ! Drug. Don't you like the fun- dial, plac'd juft by my dining-room windows ? Love. A perfect beauty ! Drug. 6 WH AT \V E MUST Drug.- I knew you'd like it and the motto is fo well adapted Tetnpus edax, Gf index rerum. And J know the meaning of it Time eateth and difcovereth all things ha ! ha ! pretty, Mr. Lovelace! I have jeen people fo flare -at it as they pafs by ha ! ha ! Loir. Why now I don't believe there's a nobleman in the kingdom has fuch a thing. Drug. Oh no they have got into a falfe tafte.' I bought that bit of ground, the other fide of the road and it looks very pretty I made a duck-pond there, for the fake of the profpect. "Love. Charmingly imagin'd ! Drug. My leaden images are well Love. They exceed ancient ftatuary. Drug. I love to be furpriz'd at the turn- ing of a walk with an inanimate figure, that looks you full in the face, and can fay no- thing to you, while one is enjoying one's own thoughts ha ! ha! Mr. Lovelace, I'll point out a beauty to you Juil by the haw-haw, at the end of my ground, there is a fine Dutch figure, with a fcythe in his hand, and a pipe in his mouth that's a jewel, Mr. Lovelace. Love. That efcap'd me: a thoufand thanks for pointing it out I obferve you have two very fine yew-trees before the houfe. Drug. Lackaday, Sir ! they look un- couth I have a defign about them -I in- tend ALLCOMETO. y tendha ! ha ! it will be very pretty, Mr. Lovelace I intend to have them cut into the fhap'e of the two giants at Guild-hall ha! ha! Love. Exquiiite ! Why then they won't look like trees. Drug. Oh, no, no not at all I won't have any thing in my garden that looks like what it is ha ! ,ha! Love. Nobody underftands thefe things like you, Mr. Drugget. Drug. Lackaday ! it's all my delight now this is what I have been working for. I have a great improvement to make ftill 1 propofe to have my evergreens cut into for- tifications j and then I mall have the Moro caflle, and the Havanna ; and then near k fhall be mips of myrtle, failing upon feas of box to attack the town : won't that make my place look very rural, Mr. Lovelace ? Love. Why you have the moft fertile in- vention, Mr. Drugget. Drug. Ha ! ha ! this is what I have been working for. I love my garden but I muft beg your pardon for a few moments I muft ftep and fpeak with a famous nurfery- man, who is come to offer me fome choice things Do go and join the company, Mr. Lovelace my daughter Rackett and Sir Charles will be here prefently I (han't go to bed till I fee 'em ha ! ha ! I did 8 WHAT WE MUST I did all this myfelf, Mr. Lovelace ' this is what I have been working for - I fin'd for Sheriff to er.ioy theie things ha! ha! [Exit. Love. Poor Mr. .Drugget ! Mynheer Van Thundertentrunck, in his little box at the fide of a dyke, has -as much tafte and ele- gance. However, if I can but carry off his daughter, if I can rob his garden of that flower why then I (hall fay, " This is what I have been working for." Enter DIMITY. Dim. Do lend us your afiiftance, Mr. Lovelace you're a fweet gentleman, and love a good-natur'd action. Love. Why how now ! what's the matter ? Dim. My mafter is going to cut the two yew-trees into the fhape of two devils, I believe ; and my poor miftrefs is breaking her heart for it. Do, run and advife him againft it me is your friend, you know me is, Sir. Love. Oh, if that's all I'll make that matter eafy directly. Dim. My miftrefs will be for ever oblig'd to you ; and you'll marry her daughter in the morning. Love. Oh, my rhetoric {hall diiTuade him. Dim. And, Sir, put him againft dealing with thatnurfery-man; Mrs, Drugget hates him. Love* ALL COME TO. 9 Love. Does fhe ? Dim. Mortally. Love. Say no more, the bufinefs is done. [Extf. jbim. If he fays one word, old Drugget will never forgive him. My brain was at it's laft (hift j but if this plot takes So; here comes Our Nancy. Enter NANCY. Nan. Well, Dimity, what's to become of me ? Dim. My ftars! what makes you upj Mifs ? I thought you were gone to bed ! Nan. What mould I go to bed for ? only to tumble and tofs, and fret, and be uneafy they are going to marry me, arid I arri frighted out of my wits. Dim. Why then you're the only young lady within fifty miles round, that would be frighten'd at fuch a thing. Nan. Ah ! if they would let me chufe for myfelf. Dim. Don't you like Mr. Lovelace? Nan. My mama does, but I don't ; I don't mind his being a man of fafhion,' not I. Dim. And, pray, can yo/i-tlo better than; follow the famion ? Nan. Ah ! I know there's a famion for drefling the hair, and a famion for new C bonnets jo WHAT WE MU S T bonnets but I never heard of a fafhion for the heart. Dim. Why then, my dear, the heart and I'll forfeit my new cap, if they don't quarrel foon. Dim. I'll be fworn they will but what fay you then to Mr. Woodley ? Nan. ALL COME T : (X n Nan. Ah ! I don't know what to fay but I can fing fomething that will explain my mind. SONG, i. TT7"HEN firft the dear youth paffing by, Difclos'd his fair form to my fight, I gaz'd, but I could not tell why ; My heart it went throb with delight. 2. As nearer he drew, thofe fweet eyes Were with their dear meaning fo bright, I trembled, and, loft in furprize, My heart it went throb with delight. > * 6' When his lips their dear accents did try The return of my love to excite, I feign'd, yet began to guefs why My heart it went throb with delight. 4- We chang'd theflol'n glance, the fond fmile, Which lovers alone read aright j We look'd, and we figh'd, yet the while Our hearts they went throb with delight* 5- Confent I foon bluih'd, with a figh My promife I ventur'd to plight ; Come, Hymen, we then fhall know v/hy Our hearts they go throb with delight. C 2 Enter 12 WHAT WE MUST Enter WOODLEY. Wood. My fweeteft angel ! I have heard all, and toy heart overflows with love and gratitude. Nan. Ah ! but I did not know you was liftening. You mould not have bctray'd me fo, Dimity : I mall be angry with you. Dim. Well, I'll take my chance for that, Run both into my room, and fay all your pretty things to one another there, for here comes the old gentleman make hafte away. [Exeunt Woodley and Nancy. Enter DRUQGET. Drug. A forward prefuming coxcomb ! Dimity, do you ftep to Mrs. Drugget, and fend her hither. Dim. Yes, Sir; It works upon him I fee. [Exit. Drug. The yew-trees ought not to be cut, becaufe they'll help to keep off the duft, and I am too near the road already* a forry ignorant fop ! When I am in fo fine a fituation, and can fee every carnage that goes by. And then to abufe the purfery-man's rarities ! A finer fucking pig in lavender, with fage growing in his belly, was never feen ! And yet he wants me not to have it But J^ve it I will. There's ALLCOMETO. 13 There's a fine tree of knowledge too, with Adam and Eve in juniper *, Eve's nofe not quite grown, but it's thought in the fpring will be very forward I'll have that too, with the ferpent in ground- ivy two poets in wormwood -I'll have them both. Ay; and there's a Lord Mayor's feaft in honey- fucklej and the whole court of Aldermen in hornbeam : and three modern beaux in jefTarnine, fomewhat ftunted : they all mall be in my garden, with the Dragon of Wantley in box all all i-I'll have 'em all, let my wife and Mr. Lovelace fay what they will-*- Enter Mrs. DRUGGET. Mr s. D. Did you fend for me, lovey ? Drug. The yew-trees mall be cut into the giants of Guild-hall, whether you will or not. Mrs. D. Sure my own dear will do as hepleafes. Drug. And the pond, tho*you praife the green banks, (hall be wall'd round, and I'll have a little fat boy in marble, fpouting up water in the middle. Mrs. D. My fweet, who hinders you ? Drug. Yes, and I'll buy the nurfery- man's whole catalogue Do you think after retiring to live all the way here, almoft four I 14 WHAT WE MUST four miles from London, that I won't do as J pleafe in my own garden ? Mrs. D. My dear, but why are you in fuch a paflion ? Drug. I'll have the lavender pig, and the Adam and Eve, and the Dragon of Wantley, and all of 'em- and there {han't be a more romantic fpot on the London road than mine. Mrs. D. I'm fure it's as pretty as hands ccn make it. Drug. I did it all myfelf, and I'll do more And Mr. Lovelace fhan't have my daughter. Mrs. D. No ! what's the matter now s Mr. Drugget ? Drug. He mall learn better manners than to abufe my houfe and gardens. You put him in the head of it, but I'll difappoint ye both And fo you may go and tell Mr, Lovelace that the match is quite off. Mrs. D. I can't comprehend all this not I but I'll tell him fo, if you pleafe, my dear I am willing to give myfelf pain, if it will give you pleafure : mult I give my?- felf pain ? don't aik me, pray don't. Drug. I am refolv'd, and it mall be fo, Mrs. D. Let it be fo then. (Cries) Oh ! oh ! cruel man ! I mall break my heart if the match is broke off if it is not con- cluded to-morrow, fend for an undertaker, and bury me the next day. Drug, ALL COME tO. 15 Drug. How ! I don't want that neither Mrs. D. Oh ! oh ! . Drug. I arn your lord and mafter, my dear, but not your executioner Before George, it muft never be faid that my wife dkd of too much compliance Cheer up, my love- and this affair mail be fettled as foon as Sir Charles and Lady Rackete arrive, Mrs. D. You bring me to life again- you know, myfweet, what an happy couple Sir Charles and his Lady are they have been married thefe fix weeks, and have never had the leaft difference Why mould not we make our Nancy as happy ? Enter DIMITY. Dim. Sir Charles and his Lady, Ma'am. Mrs. D. Oh ! charming ! I'm tranf- ported with joy ! Where are they ? I long lo fee 'em. [Exit. Dim. Well, Sir ; the happy couple are arriv'd. Drug. Yes, they do live happy, in- deed. Dim. But how long will it laft ? Drug. How long ! don't forbcde any ill, you jade don't, I fay It will laft during their lives, I hope. Dim. Well, mark the end of it Sir Charles, I know, is gay and gocd-humour'd 16 WHAT WE MUST but he can't bear the leaft con tradition, no, not in the mereft trifle. Drug. Hold your tongue hold your tongue. Dim. Yes, Sir -, I have done ; and yet there is in the compofition of Sir Charles a certain humour, which^ like the flying gouty gives nodifturbance to thefamily till it fettles in the head When once it fixes there, mercy on very body about him! but here he comes. [Exit; Enter Sir CHARLES. Sir Cha. My dear Sir, I kifs your hand * but why fland on ceremony ? to find you up thus late, mortifies me beyond ex- preffion. Drug. 'Tis but once in a way, Sir Charles. Sir Cba. My obligations to you are in- expreffible ; you have given me the mofl amiable of girls ; our tempers accord like unifons in mufic. Drug. Ah ! that's what makes me happy in my old days ; my children and my gar- den are all my care. Sir Cha. And my friend Lovelace -he is to have our fitter Nancy, I find. Drug. Why my wife is fo minded. Sir Cha. Oh, by all means, let her be made happy A very pretty fellow Lovc- hce A L L C O M E T O. 17 lace And as to that Mr. Wcodley I think you call him he is but a plain underbred, ill-famion'd fort of a Nobody knows him, he is not one of us^ Oh, by all means marry her to one of us. Drug, I believe it muft be fo Would you take any refreshment ? Sir Cha. Nothing in nature it is time to retire. Drug. Well, well ! good night then, Sir Charles ha ! here comes my daughter good night, Sir Charles. Sir Cha. Bon repos ! Drug, (Going out) My Lady Rackett, I'm glad to hear how happy you are, (with- out) I won't detain you now 'there's your good man waiting for you^good night, my girl. Sir Cha. I muft humour this old putt, in order to be.remember'd in his will. Enter Lady RACKETT. Lady R. O la ! I'm quite fatigu'd I can hardly move why don't you help me, you barbarous man ? Sir Cha. There ; take my arm " Was ever thing fo pretty made to walk." Lady R. But I won't be laugh'd at-r-J don't love you. Sir Cha* Don't you ? P Lady j8 W. HAT WE MUST Ladv R. No. Dear me ! this glove ! Why don't you help me off with my glove ? pfliavv ! Tow aukward thing, let it alone; you an't fit to be about me, I might as well not be married for any ufe you are of-^- rcacb ms a chair You have no compaffion for me I am foglad to fit down-^-Why do you drag me to routs 'You know I hate 'em ? Sir Cha. Oh ! there's no exiting, no breathing, unlefs one does as other people of fafhion do. Lady R. But I'm out of humour, I loft all my money. Sir Cha. How much ? Lady R. Three hundred. Sir'Cba.. Never fret for that - I don't value three hundred pounds to contribute to. your happinefs. Lady R. Don't you ? not value three hundred pounds to pleafe me ? Sir Cha. You know I dpn't. Lady R. Ah ! you fond fool ! but I hate gaming Italmoft metamorphofes a woman into a fury-r do you know that I was frighted at myfelf feveral times to-night I had an huge oath at the very tip of my tongue. Sir Cba. Had ye ? Lady R. I caught myfelf at it and fo I bit my lips and then I was cramm'd up in a corner of the room with fuch a ftrange party ALL COME TO; 19 party at a whift-table, looking at black and red fpots did you mind 'em ? Sir Cha. You know I was bufy elfewhere* Lady R. There was that ftrange unac- countable woman, Mrs. Nightmade- She behav'd fo flrangely to her hufband, a poor* inoffenfive, good-natur'd, good fort of a good for nothing kind of man, -but ihe fo teiz'd him -^ "How could you play that card ? Ah, you've a head, and fo has a pin You're a numfcull, you know you are Ma'am, he has the pooreft head in the world, he does not know what he is about 9 you know you don't -Ah fye! I'm afham'd of you ! " Sir Cha. She has ferv'd to divert you, I fee. Lady R. And then to crown all- there was my Lady Clackit, who runs on with an eternal volubility of nothing, out of all feafon, time, and place In the very mid ft of the game me begins, " Lard, Ma'am, I was apprehenfive I fhouid not be able to wait on your La'fhip my poor little dog, Pompey the fweetcft thing in the world, a fpade led ! there's the knave I was fetching a walis, Me'm, the other morning in the Park a fine frofty morning it was- I love frofty weather of all things-^ Let me look at the laft trick and fo Me'm, little Pompey And if your La'fhip was to fee the dear creature pinch'd with the froft, and D 2 mincing 20 WHAT WE MUST mincing his fteps along the Mail with his pretty little innocent face I vow I don't know what to play And fo, Me'm, while I was talking to Captain FJirnfey Your La'fhip knows Captain Flimfey Nothing but rubbifh in my hand I can't help it And fo, Me'm, five odious frights of dogs befet my poor little Pompey -the dear creature has the heart of a lion, but who can refift five at once And fo Pompey barked for sffiflance the hurt he receiv'd was' upon his cheft the doctor would not advife him to venture out till the wound is heal'd, for fear of an inflammation' Pray what's trumps ? Sir C/ia. My dear, you'd make a moft excellent actrels. Lady R. Well, now let's go to bed* but Sir Charles, how fhockingly you play'd that laft rubber, when I ftood looking over you ! Sir Cha. My love, I play'd the truth of the game. Lady R> No, indeed, my dear, you play'd it wrong. Sir Cha. Po ! nonfenfe! you don't un- derftand it. Lady R. I beg your pardon, I am allovv'd to play better then you. Sir Cha. All conceit, my dear, -I was perfectly right. Lady . - 2 ALL COME TO. 2t Lady R. No fuch thing, Sir Charles, the diamond was the play. Sir Cha. Po! po ! ridiculous! the club was the card againft the world. Lady R. Oh, no, no, no, I fay it was the diamond. Sir Cba. Zounds ! Madam, I fay it was the club, Lady R. What do you fly into fuch a paffion for ? Sir Cba. 'Sdeath and fury, do you think I don't know what I'm about ? I tell you once more the club was the judgment of it. Lady R. May be fo have it your own way (walks about, andjings.j Sir. Cba. Vexation! you're the ftrangeft woman that ever liv'd, there's no converf- ing with you Look'ye here, my Lady Rackett it's the clearer! cafe in the world, I'll make it plain in a moment. Lady R. Well, Sir ! ha ! ha ! ha ! (with ajneering laugh ) Sir Cha. I had four cards left a trump was led they were fix no, no, no, they were feven, and we nine then you know the beauty of the play was to Lady R. Well, now it's amazing to me, that you can't fee it give me leave, Sir Charles- your left hand adverfary had led his laft trump and he had before finefs'd the club, and rough'd the diamond now if you had put on your diamond Sir 22 WHAT WE MUST Sir Cha. Zoons ! Madam, but we play'd for the odd trick. Lady R. And fure the play for the odd trick Sir Cha. Death and fury ! can't you hear me ? Lady R. Go on, Sir. Sir Cha. Zoons, hear me I fay will you hear me ? Lady R. I never heard the like in my life. (Hums a tune, and walks about fretfully.} Sir Cka. Why then you are enough to provoke the patience of a Stoic. (Looks at her, and fie walks about, and laughs uneafily.) Very well, Madam ; You know no more of the game than a hobby-horfe no more than my coachman. Lady R. Ha ! ha ! (takes out aglafs, and fettles her hair.) Sir Cha. You're a vile woman, and I'll not ileep another night under one roof with you. Lady R. As you pleafe, Sir. Sir Cha. Madam, it mall be as I pleafe ~ I'll order my chariot this moment (going) I know how the cards iliould be play'd as well as any man in England, that let me tell you (going) And when your family were ftanding behind counters, meafuring out tape, and bartering for Whitechapel needles, my anceftors, my anceftors, Madam, were fquandering away whole ALL COME TO. 23 whole eftates at cards ; whole eftates, my Lady Rackett (She hums a tune and he looks at her) Why then, by all that's dear to me, I'll never exchange another word with you, good, bad, or indifferent ^ 'Look'ye, my Lady Rackett thus it floodthe trump being led, it was then my bufmefs Lady R. To fineffe the club. Sir Cha. Damn it, I have done with you for ever, and fo you may tell your father. [Exit. Lady R- What a paffion the gentleman's in ! ha ! ha ! (laughs in a peevift} manner) I promife him, 111 not give up my judgment. Enter Sir CHARLES. Sir Cha. My Lady Rackett, look'ye, Ma'am once more out of pure good-nature . Lady R. Sir, I am convinc'd of your gooc}- nature. Sir Cha. That, and that only prevails with me to tell you, the club was the play. Lady R. Well, be it fo I have no ob- jection. Sir Cha. It's the cleareft point in the world we were nine, and LadyR. And for that very reafon : you know the club was the heft in the houfe. Sir Qha. There is no fuch thing as talking to you - You're a bafe woman I'll part from you for ever; you may live here with your 24 W II A T W E M U S T your father, and admire his fantaftical ever- greens, till you grow as fantaftical yourfelf I'll fet out for London this inftant (Stops at the door) The club was not the beft in the houfe. Lady R. How calm you are ! Well ! - I'll go to bed ; . will you come ? you had better come then you (hall come to bed not come to bed when I afk you ? Poor Sir Charles ! [Looks and laughs, then Exit. Sir Cha. That eafe is provoking. (Crofles to the oppofite door, where /he went out] I tell you the diamond was the play, and I here take my final leave of you (walks back, 'as faft as he can) I am refolv'd upon it, and I know the club was not the beft in the houfe. [Exit. ACT II. Enter DIMITY. Dimity. "LJ A ! ha ! ha ! oh ! heavens ! I (hall ex- * *" pire in a fit of laughing This is the modifh couple that were fo happy fuch a quarrel as they have had the whole houfe is in an uproar ha ! ha ! A rare proof of the happiness they enjoy in high life. I fhall never A L L C C M E T O. 25 never hear people of fafhion mention'd again, but I fliall be ready to die in a fit of laughter ho ! ho ! ho ! Enter DRUGGET. Drug. Hey ! how ! what's the matter, Di- mity What am I call'd down flairs for ? Dim. Why there's two people of famion (Stifles a laugh.} Drug. Why you fancy minx ! Explain this moment. Dim. The fond couple have been to- gether by the ears this half hour are you Satisfied now ? Drug. Ay ! what have they quarrell'd -what was it about ? Dim. Something above my comprehen- fion and your's too, I believe People in high- life underftand their own forms Deft And here cornes one that can unriddle the whole affair. [Exit. Enter Sir CHARLES, Sir Cha. (To the people within} I fay, let the horfes be put-to this moment So, Mr. Drugget. Drug. Sir Charles, here's a terrible buflle I did not expect this what can be the matter ? E Sir c6 WHAT WE MUST Sir Cba. I have been us'd by your daughter, in fo bafe, fo contemptuous a manner, that I am determin'd not to flay in this houfe to-night. Drug. This is a thunder-bolt to me ! after feeing how elegantly and fafhionably you liv'd together, to find now all funmine var.im'd Do 3 Si*- Charles, let me heal this breach, if poffible. Sir Cba. Sir, 'tis impofiiblc I'll not live with her a day longer. Drug. Nay, nay, don't be over hafty, let me intreat-you, go to bed and fleep upon it in the morning when you're cool Sir Cba. Oh, Sir, I am very cool, I affure ha ! ha ! it is not in her power, Sir, to to a a to difturb the ferenity of my temper Don't imagine that I'm in apaffion I'm not fo eafily ruffled ss you may ima- gine But quietly and deliberately I can refent ill ufage I can repay the injuries done rne by a falfe, ungrateful, deceitful wife, with the feverity, and at the fame time with the compofure of an old judge, harden'd in his office That man, am I, Sir. Drug. The injuries done you by a trea- cherous wife ! my daughter I hope Sir Cba. Her character is now fully mown to me fhe's a vile woman ! that's :.}\ I have to fay, Sir. 5 Drug. A L L C O M E TO. 27 Drug. Hey ! how ! a vile woman what has (lie done I hope {lie is no: capable Sir Cha. I {hall enter into no detail, Mr. Drugget, the time and circurnftances won't allow it at prefent But depend upon it I have done with her a low, unpolifh'd, un- educated, falfe, impofing See if the horfes are put-to. "Drug. Mercy on me ! in my old days to hear this. Enter Mrs. DRUGGET. Mrs. D. Deliver me ! I am all over in fuch a tremble Sir Charles, I mall break my heart if there's any thing amifs. Sir Cba. Madam, I arn very forry for your fake but there is no poffibility of living with her. Mrs. D. My poor dear girl ! What can (he have done ? Sir Cba. What all her fex can do, the very, fpirit of them all. Drug. Ay ! ay ! ay ! She's bringing foul difgrace upon us 'This comes of her mar- rying a man of fafliion. Sir Cba. Faftnon, Sir! That mould have inftruded her better She might have been fenfible of her happinefs WhatevW *- -ou may think of the lurtuneyou gave her, my rank in life, claims refpect ciairm obe- E 2 dienee, 28 WHAT WE MUST dience, attention, truth, and love, from one raifed in the world as fhe has been by an alliance with me. Drug. And let me tell you, however you may eitimate your quality, my daughter is dear to me. Sir Cha. And, Sir, my character is dear to me. 'Drug. Yet you muft give me leave to tell you Sir Cha. I won't hear a word. Drug. Not in behalf of my own daughter ? Sir Cha. Nothing can excufe her 'tis to no purpole She has married above her ; and if that circumftance makes the Lady forget herfelf, me at leaft {hall fee that I pan and will fupport my own dignity. Drug. But, Sir, I have a right to afk - Mrs, D. Patience, my dear, be a little calm. Drug. Mrs. Drugger, do you have pa- tience, I muft and will enquire. Mrs. D. Don't be fo hafty, my love; have fome refpet for Sir Charles's rank ; don't be violent with a man of his famion. Drug. Hold your tongue, woman, I fay you're not a psrfon of famion at leaft -My daughter was ever a good girl. Sir Cha. I have found her out. Drug. Oh ! then it's all over- and it does not iignify arguing about it. Mrs. ALLCOME TO. 29 Mrs. D. That ever I fhould live to fee this hour ! Sir Cba. I know her thoroughly and there is no fuch thing as being connected with her a moment longer. Mrs. D. How the unfortunate girl could take fuch wickednefs in her head, I can't imagine* I'll go and fpeak to the un- happy creature this moment. [Exit. 'Sir Cha. She ftands detected now de- tected in her trueft colours. Drug. Well, grievous as it may he, let me hear the circumftances of this unhappy bufmefs. Sir Cba. Mr. Drugget, I have not leifure n ow- but her behaviour has been fo exaf- perating, that I {hall make the beft of my way to town My mind is fixed She fees me no more, and fo, your fervant, Sir. [Exif. Drug. What a calamity has here befallen us! as good a girl, and as well difpos'd till the evil communication of high life, and fafhionable vices, turn'd her to folly. Enter LOVELACE. Love. Joy ! joy ! Mr. Drugget, I give you joy. Drug. Don't mfult me, Sir I defire you Won't. 3 o WHAT WE MUST Love. Infult you, Sir ! is there "any thing infulting, my dear Sir, if I take the liberty to congratulate you en Drug. There ! there ! the manners of high life for you He thinks there's no- thing in all this the ill behaviour of a wife he thinks an ornament to her character Mr. Lovelace, you fhall have no daughter of mine. Love. My dear Sir, never bear malice I have reconfider'd the thing, and curfe catch me if I don't think your notion of the Gulid-hall giants, and the court of Alder- men in hornbeam Drug. Well ! well ! well ! there may be people of the court end of the town in hornbeam too. Love. Yes, faith, fo there may and I believe I could recommend you a tolerable collection however, with your daughter I am ready to venture. Drug. But 1 am not ready I'll not ven- ture my girl with you no more daughters of mine fhall have their minds deprav'd by polite vices. Enter WOODLEY. Mr. Woodley you mall have Nancy to your wife, as I promis'd you take her to- morrow morning. Wood. ALL COME TO. 31 Wood. Sir, I have not words to exprefs . Love. What the devil is the matter with the old haberdafher now ? Drug. And hark ye, Mr. Woodley I'll make you a prefent for your garden, of a coronation dinner in greens, with the cham- pion riding on horfeback, and the fword will be full grown before April next. Wood. I fhall receive it, Sir, as your favour. Drug. Ay, ay I I fee my error in want- ing an alliance with great folks I had ra- ther have you, Mr.Woodley, for my fon-in- law, than any courtly fop of 'em all. Is this man gone ! Is Sir Charles Rackett gone ? Wood. Not yet ; he makes a bawling yonder for hishorfes I'll ftep and call him to you. [Exit. Drug. I am out of all patience I am out of my fenfes, I muft fee him once more Mr. Lovelace, you nor no perfon of fafhion, fhall ruin another daughter of mine. [Exit. Love. Droll this ! damn'd droll ! And every fyllable of it Arabic to me the queer old putt is as whimfical in his notions of life as of gardening. If this be the cafe , I'll brufli, and leave him to his exotics. [Exit. Enter 32 WHAT WE MUST Enter Lady RACKETT, Mrs. DRUGGET, and DIMITY. Lady R. A cruel barbarous man ! to quarrel in this unaccountable manner; to alarm the whole houfe, and expofe me and himfelf too. Mrs. D. Oh! child! I never thought it would have corne to this your fhame won't end here ; it will be all over St. James's parim by to-morrow morning. Lady R. Well, if it muft be To, there's one comfort, the ftory will tell more to his difgrace than mine. Dim. As I'm a finner, and fo it will, Madam. He deferves what he has met with, I think. Mrs. D. Dimity, don't you encourage her No, no, no, my dear child, the dif- grace will be all your own. Lady R. Will it ?i-I am fure I (han't blufli for any thing that has pair, I know a little more of the world than that comes to. Mrs. D. You mock me to hear you fpeak fo I did not think you had been fo harden'd. Lady R. Harden'd do you call it ? I have liv'd in the world to very little purpofe, if fuch trifles as thefe are to difturb my reft. Mrs. ALL COME TO. 33 Mrs. Z). You wicked girl ! Do you call it a trifle to be guilty of falmood to your huf- band's bed ? Lady R. How ! (Turns Jkort, and Jlaresat her.) Dim. That ! that's a mere trifle indeed I have been in as good places as any body, and not a creature minds it now, I'm fure. Mrs. D. My Lady Rackett, my Lady Rackett, I never could think to fee you come to this deplorable (hame. . Lady R. Surely the bafe man has not been capable of laying any thing of that fort to my charge \AJide.~] All this is unaccount- able to me ha ! ha I 'tis ridiculous be- yond meafure. Dim. That's right, Madam : Laugh at it you ferv'd him right. Mrs. D. Charlotte! Charlotte ! 'HI aftonifh'd at your wickednefs. Lady R. Well, I proteft and vow I don't comprehend all this has Sir Charles ac- cus'd me ? Mrs. D. Oh! too true he has hehas found you out, and you have behav'd bafely he fays. Lady R. Madam ! Mrs. D. You have fallen into frailty like many others of your fex, he fays, and he is reiolv'd to come to a feparaticm directly.' LadyR. Why then if he is fo bafe a wretch as to dimonour me in that manner, his heart mall- ake before I live'with him again, ' F Dim. 34 W H A T W E M U S T Dirt. Hold to that, Ma'am, and let h;s head akc into the bargain. Mrs. D. Oh ! what (hall I do? it is all too true I find.- LadyR, True! 'tis falfe as fcandal, and the vileil calumny that ever was invented. Dim. Po ! never go to deny it own it Ma'am. Lady R. Stand away ; don't talk to me Sir Charles! Sir Charles! Pray, Madam, let Mr. Woodley have my fifter I am unfortunate ever to have feen fo vile a flan- derer - is it poffible that he could have talked thus meanly of me ? Mrs. D. Your poor father heard it as y/ell as me. Lady R. Then let your doors be open'd for him this very moment let him return to London if he does not, I'll lock myfelf up, and the falfe one (han't approach me, tho' he beg on his knees at my very door a bafe inj'irous man ! [Exit. Mrs. D. Dimity, do let us follow, and hear what (he has to fay for herfelf. [Exit. Dim. She has excuf" enough I warrant hej What a npife is here indeed ! I have liv'd in polite families, where there was no |hch buftie made about nothing. [Exit. Enter Sir CHARLES, and DRUGGET. Sir 'Cna. 'Tis in v.iin Sir, my refolution D,-,-. ALL CO ME TO. ?5 Drug. Well, but confider; I am her fa- ther, indulge me only till we hear what the girl has to fay in her defence. Sir Cha. She can have nothing to fay no excufe can palliate fiich behaviour. Drug. Don't be too politive there may be fome miitake. , Sir Cha. Ifo miftake did not I fee her, hear her myfelf r Drug. Lackaday ! I am an unfortunate man ! . Sir Cha. She will be unfortunate too-^ with al! my heart- She may thank herfelf She might have been happy had fhe been fo difpos'd. Drug. W T hy truly, I think fhe might. Enter Mrs. DRUGGET. Mrs. D. I wiih you'd moderate your an- ger a little and let us talk over this affair with temper my daughter denies every tittle of your charge. Sir Cha. Denies it ! denies it 1 Mrs. D. She does indeed. Sir Cha. And that aggravates her fault: Mrs. D. She vows you never found her out in any thing that was wrong. Sir Cha. So ! She does not allow it to be wrong then! Madam, I tell you again, I know her thoroughly, 1 fay I have found her our, and I am now acquainted with her character. 6 F 2 Mrs. 36 WHAT WE MUST Mrs D. Then you are in oppofite {lories ~-She fwears, my dear Mr. Drugget, the poor girl fwears (he never was guilty of the fmalleft infidelity to her hufband's bed in her born days. Sir Cba. And what then ? What if (he does fay fo ! Mrs. D. And if (he fays truly, it is hard her character mould be blown upon with- out juft caufe. Sir Cba. And is {he therefore to behave ill in other refpefts ? I never charg'd her with infidelity to me, Madam there I allow her innocent. Drug. And did not you charge her then ? Sir Cha. No, Sir, 1 never dreamt of fuch a thing. Drug. Why then, if (lie's innocent, let me tell you, you're a fcandalous perfon. Mrs. D. Prithee, my dear - Drug. Be quiet tho* he is a man of quality, I will tell him of itdid not I fine for {heriff? yes, you are a fcandalous perfon to defame an honeft man's daughter. Sir Cha. What have you taken into your head now ? Drug. You charg'd her with falfliood to your bed. Sir Cba. No- never- never. Drug. But I fay you did you call'd yourfelf a cuckolc 1 -did not he, wife? Mrs. D. Yes, Lovey, I'm witnefs. Sir ALL COME TO. 37 /> Cha. Po ! po ! po ! no fuch thing Drug. But I aver you did Mrs D. You did indeed, Sir Sir Cha. But I tell you no pofitively, no. Drug, and Mrs. D. And I fay yes > pofitively yes Sir Cha. 'Sdeath,, this is all madnefs . Drug. You faid you had found her out in the very facl- Sir Cha. Mr. Drugget give me leave, Sir Drug. That {he follow'd the ways of moft of her fex Sir Cba. I faid fo and what then ? Drug. There he owns it owns that he call'd himfelf a cuckold and without rhyme or reafon into the bargain Sir Cha. I never own'd any fuch thing Drug. You own'd it even now now now now Enter DIMITY, in a ft of laughing. Dim. What do you think it was all about ha! ha! the whole fecret is come out, ha ! ha ! It was all about a game of cards ha ! ha! Drug. A game of cards ! Dim. (Laughing) It was all about a club an da diamond (runs out laughing.} Drug. And was that all, Sir Charles? Sir Cha. And enough too, Sir- Drug, 38 WHAT WE MUST Drug. And was that what you found hef out in ? Sir Cha. I can't bear to be contradicted, when I'm clear that I'm in the right. Mrs. D. Oh ! I underftand the affair now this was only one of thofe polite dif- putes, which people of quality, who have nothing elfe to differ about, muft always be liable to. Drug. I never heard of fuch ai heap of nonfenfe in all my life Woodley (hall marry Nancy. Mrs. D. Don't be in a hurry, my lovr, this will be all made up. Drug. Why does not he go and afk her pardon then ? Sir Cha. I beg her pardon ! I won't de- bafe myfelf to any of you I fhan't forgive her, you may reft affur'd [Exit. Drug. Now there there's a pretty fellow for you Mrs. D. I'll ftep and prevail on my Lady Rackett to fpeak to him then all will be Well. [Exit. Drug. A ridiculous fop ! I'm glad it's no worfe however. Enter NANCY. So Nancy you feem in confufion, my girl ! Nan. How can one help it ? With ail this noife in the houfe, and you're going to marry ALL COME TO. 39 marry me as ill as my fifter I hate Mr. Lovelace. Drug. Why fo child ? Nan. I know thefe people of quality def- pife us all out of pride, and would be glad to marry us out of avarice. Drug. The girl's right. Nan. They marry one woman, live with another, and love only themfelves. Drug. And then quarrel about a card. l^an. I don't want to be a gay lady I want to be happy. Drug. And fo you {hall don't fright yourfelf, child ftep to your fifter, bid her make herfelf eafy go, and comforther,go " Nan. Yes, Sir. [Exit. Drug. I'll ftep and fettle the matter with Mr. Woodley this moment. [Exit. Enter Sir CHARLES, with a pack' of cards in bh hand. Sir Cba. Never was any thing like her be- haviour I can pick out the very cards I had in my hand, and then 'tis as plain as the fun there now there no damn it no there it was now let's fee -They had four by honours and we play'd for the odd trick damnation! honours were divided ay ! honours were divided and then a trump was led and the other fide had the confufion ! thisprepofterous woman has put 40 WHAT WE MUST put it all out of my head (puts the cards m* to his pocket.) Mighty well, Madam; I have done with you. Enter Mrs. DRUGGET. Mrs. D. Come, Sir Charles, let me prevail come with me and fpeak to her. Sir Cha. I don't defire to fee her face. Mrs. D. If you were to fee her all bath'd in tears, I am fure it would melt your very heart. Sir Cha. Madam, it mall be my fault if ever I'm fo treated again I'll have nothing to fay to her (going, flops) does '{he give up the point ? Mrs. D. She does, {he agrees to any thing. Sir Cha. Does {he allow that the club was the play ? Mrs. D. Juft as you pleafe She's all fubmiffion. Sir Cka. Then I'll ftep and fpeak to her I never was clearer in any thing in my Jifc. [Exit. Mrs. D. Lord love 'em, they'll make it up n0 w and then they'll be as happy as ever. [Exit. Enter NANCY. Nan. Well ! they may talk what they will of tafte, and genteel life I don't think it's natural give me Mr. Woodley La! there's that odious thing coming this way. Enter ALL COME TO. 41 Enter LOVELACE. Love. My charming little innocent, I have not feen you thefe three hours. Nan. I have been very happy thefe three hours. Love. My fweet angel, you feem difcon- certed And you neglect your pretty figure no matter for the prefent -, in a little time I (hall make you appear as graceful and gen- teel as your fifter. Nan. That is not what employs my thoughts, Sir. Love. Ay, but my pretty little dear, thac fhou'd engage your attention to fet off and adoirTthe charms that nature has given you, fhould be the bufinefs of your life. Nan. Ah ! but I have learnt a new fong that contradids what you fay, and tho' I am not in a very good humour for llnging, yet you (hall hear it. Love. By all means j dont check your fancy I am all attention. Nan. It expreffes my fentiments, and when you have heard them you won't teize me any more. SONG, i. "^ O dance, and to drefs, and to flaunt it about, To run to Park, play, to aflembly and rout, G To 4* W H A T W E MU S T To wander for ever in whim's giddy maze,, And one poor hair torture a million of ways, To put, at the glafs, ev'ry feature to fchool, And practife their art on each fop and each fool, Of one thing to think, and another to tell, Thefe, thefe are the manners of each giddy belle. 2. Tofmile,and to fimper, white teeth todifplay; The time in gay follies to trifle away ; Againft ev'ry virtue the bcfom to (leel, And only of drefs the anxieties feel ; To be at Eve's ear, the infidious decoy, The pleafure ne'er tafteyet the mifchief enjoy, To boaft of foft raptures they never can know, Thefe, thefe are the manners of each giddy beau. [Exit. Love. I mufl have her notwithftanding this for tho' I am not in love, yet I'm in debt. Enter DRUGGET. Drug. So, Mr. Lovelace ! any news from above-itairs ? Is this abfurd quarrel at an end have they made it up ? Love. Oh ! a mere bagatelle, Sir thefe little fracas among the better fort of people never laftlong elegant trifles caufe elegant difputes, and we cqme together elegantly again as you fee for here they cotne, in perfect good humour. , Enter ALL C O M E T O. 43 "Enter Sir CHARLES and Lady RACKETT, Mrs. DRUGGET. Sir Cha. Mr. Drugget, I embrace you, Sir ; you fee me now in the mod perfect harmony of fpirits. Drug. What, all reconcil'd again ? Lady R. All made up, Sir I knew how to bring the gentleman to this is the firft difference, I think we ever had, Sir Charles. Sir Cba. And I'll be fworn it (hall be the laft. Drug. I am at eafe again Sir Charles, I can fpare you an image to put on the top of your houfe in London. Sir Cba. Infinitely oblig'd to you. Mrs. D. My dear, they are as happy now as two intriguing ducks in our pond yonder You'll give Nancy, to Mr. Love- lace ? Sir'Cha. Oh, to be fure, my friend Love- lace muft be the man. Lady R. And then my fifter and I mall be near neighbours, and we mail fo rival each other in the beau monde. Drug. Well ! well ! I believe it muft be fo we'll talk of thefe matters in the morn- ing It's time to retire now I am glad to fee you happy again and now I'll wih you a good night, Sir Charles Mr. Lovelace, G 2 this 44 W H A T W E M U S T this is your way fare ye vyell both I am glad your quarrels are at an end This Way, Mr. Lovelace come, come my dear- come, we'll go and take care of one another, [Exeunt Lovelace, Drugget, and Mrs. Drugget. Lady R. Ah ! your a fad man, Sir Charles, to behave to me as you have done Sir Cha. My dear, I grant it and fuch an abfurd quarrel too ha ! ha ! Lady R. Yes- ha ! ha ! about fuch a fiifle Sir Cha. It's pleafant how we could both fall into fuch an error- ha! ha ! Lady R. Ridiculous beyond expreffion, >- jia! ha! Sir Cha. And then the miftake your father and mother fell into ha ! ha ! Lady R. That too is a diverting part of the flory ha ! ha ! but Sir Charles, muft I 1 flay and live with my father till I grow as fantaflical as his own evergreens ? Sir Cha. No, no, prithee don't remind me of my folly. Lady R. Ah ! my relations were all flanding behind counters felling White- chapel needles, while your family were Ipending great eftates. Sir Cka. Nay, nay, fpare my blufhes. Lady R. How could you fay fo low a thing ? I don't love you. ir Cha. It was indelicate I grant it. Lady. ALL COME TO. 45 Tbttfy R. Am I a vile woman ? Sir. Cha. How can you, my angel ? Lady R. I (han't forgive you ! I'll have you on your knees for this, (Sings and plays with him.) ("Go, naughty man") . Ah! Sir' Charles Sir Cha. The reft of my life fhall aim at convincing you how fincerely I love Lady R. (Sings) " Go, naughty man, I can't abide you" Well ! come let us go to reft (Going.} Ah, Sir Charles! now it's all over, the diamond was the play SirCba. Oh no, no, no, my dear ! ha ! ha ! It was the club indeed Lady R. Indeed, my love, you're mif- taken Sir Cha. Oh, no, no, no Lady R. But I fay, yes, yes, yes (Both laughing.) Sir Cha. Pmaw,nofuch thing ha! ha! Lady R. 'Tis fo, indeed ha ! ha ! Sir Cha. No no- no you'll make me die with laughing Lady R. Ay, and you make me laugh too ha ! ha ! (Toying with him.) Enter FOOTMAN. pootm. Your honour's cap and flippers Sir Cha. Ay, give me my night cap and here, take thefe fhoes off (He takes 'em cff\ and leaves 'em at a dijlanci) Indeed my Lady 46 WHAT WE MUST Lady Rackett, yon make me ready to expire with laughing ha ! ha ! Lady R. You may laugh but I'm right notwithftanding Sir C/ia. How can you fay fo ? Lady R. How can you fay otherwife ? Sir Cha. Well now mind me, my Lady Rackett We can now talk of this matter in good humour Lady R. So we can and it's for that reafon I venture to fpeak to you are thefe the ruffles I bought for you ? Sir Cha. They are, my dear. Lady R. They are very pretty but in- deed you play'd the card wrong Sir Cha. Po, there is nothing fo clear if you will but hear me only hear me- Lady R, Ah ! but do you hear me the thing was thus your club being the heft ia the houfe Sir Cha. How can you talk fo! (Some* what peevijh.) Lady R. See there now .. Sir Cha. Now fee this was the affair Lady R. Pfhaw ! fiddleftick ! hear me firft. Sir Cba. Po no damn it let me fpeak Lady R. Well, to be fure you're a flrange man Sir Cha. Plague and torture ! there is no fuch thing as converfing with you ALLCOMETO. 47 Lady R. Very well, Sir fly out again Sir Cha. Look here now here's a pack of cards now you fhall be convinc'd Lady R. You may talk till to-morrow, I know I'm right (walks about.} Sir Cha. Why then by all that's perverfe, you are the moil headftrong Can't you look here now here are the very cards Lady R. Go on ; you'll find it out at laft Sir Cha. Damn it ! will you let a man mew you ! Po 1 it's all nonfenfc I'll talk no more about it (Puts up the cards.) Come, we'll go to bed (Going.) Now only flay a moment (Takes out the cards) Now, mind me fee here Lady R. No, it does not fignify* your head will be clearer in the morning I'll go to bed Sir Cha. Stay a moment, can't ye Lady R. No -my head begins to ake * (J/ettedly.) ve. The devil ! and fo I am to be left in the lurch in this manner, am I ? Lady R. Oh ! my dear Sir, this is no- thing I have a lure to bring the gentleman back again Drug. Never tell me it's too late now- Mr. Woodley, I recommend my girl to your care I fhall have nothing now to think of, but my greens, and my images, and my fhrubbery tho', mercy on all married folks, fay I! for thefe wranglings are, I am afraid, Wbat ive muft All come to. Lady Racket t t coming forward. we mttfi all come to ? What ? - Come to what ? Muft broils and quarrels be the marriage lot ? If that's the wife, deep mean-ing of our poet, The man's a fool ! a blockhead ! and I'll fhew it. What could induce him in an age fo nice- So fam'd for virtue, fo refin'd from vice, To form a plan fo trivial, falfe, and low ? As if a belle could quarrel with a beau : As ALLCOMETO. $t As if there were in thefe thrice happy days, One who from nature, or from reafon ftrays! There's no crofs hufband now ; no wrang- ling wife,* The man is downright ignorant of life. 'Tis the millennium this devoid of guile, Fair gentle Truth, and white-rob'd Can- dour fmile. From every breaft the fordid love of gold Is banifh'd quite no boroughs now arc fold! Pray tell me, Sirs (for I don't know, I vow,) Pray *is there fuch a thing as Gaming now ? Do peers make laws againft that giantVice, And then at Arthur's break them in a trice? No no our lives are virtuous all, auftere and hard; Pray, ladies, do you ever fee a card ? Thofe empty boxes mew you don't love plays ; The managers, poor fouls ! get nothing now a days. If here you come by chance but once a week, The pit can witnefs that you never fpeak : Penfive Attention fits with decent mien 5 No paint, no naked moulders to be feen ! And yet this grave, this moral, pious age. May learn one ufeful leffon from the ftage. Shun ftrife, ye fair, and- once a conteft o'er, Wake ta a blaze the dying flame no more I From 52 W H A T W E M U S T, &c. From fierce debate fly all the tender Loves, And Venus cries, " Coachman, Put-to my doves." The genial bed no blooming Grace prepares, " And every day becomes a day of cares." FINIS. THE DESERT ISLAND, A DRAMATIC POEM 5 I N THREE ACTS. As it Is Afted at the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. Te, dulcis conjux, te folo In littore fecum Te veniente die, te decedente canebat. LONDON, Printed for PAUL VAILLANT, facing Southampton ftreef, in the Strand, MDCCLXII. [Price One Shilling aad Six Pence,] ADVERTISEMENT. TH E following Piece is founded on the J/ola Difabitata of the celebrated ABBE METASTASIO : In reading the Perform-' ance of that great Genius, the preient Writer re- ceived fo exquifite a Pleafure, that he contracted a Paffion for the Subject, and could not refrain from exercifing his Pen upon it. In the Profe- cution of his Plan, he knew enough of the mo- dern Theatre, to perceive that it was thin of what our Play-followers call Bufmefs \ and he was aware that on the Scage it might prove (to ufe Milton** Words) very different from what among us paffes for Beji. The fame Remark was made by a Friend of the Author's, who thought it hazardous to offer to a popular Affembly a Piece, in which there were none of thofe Strokes that generally fucceed with the Multitude. " Can't you," faid he, " throw " in fomething here and there to feafon it more to " the public Appetite ? Suppofe you were to change the Tide* and fix the Scene among the Anthropophagi, or among the Men, wbofe Heads do grow beneath their Shoulders a few of thofe extraordinary Perfonages exhibited on the Stage, will prove very acceptable: What think you ' of an Irijh servant in it? That certainly will infure Succefs, the more efpeciaily if you add feme aerial Beings, and conclude the Whole with a drunken Song by the Tars of Old Eng- *' land" The Author was fenfible of the Force of thefe Obftrvations; but the GREAT MILTON (mentioned above) flared him in the Face,, with his Reflections on " the Error of introducing tri- " vial and vulgar Perfons, which, by all Judicious, " hath been cou'nted abfurd, and brought in with- M out Difcretion, CORRUPTLY to gratify the Peo- *' pie."* He therefore determined to preferve the * Vide. Preface to Samfon Agwjies. A a Integrity ADVERTISEMENT. Integrity of his original Defign, and to try what would be the Effect of a fimple Fable, with but iew Incidents, lupported eniirely by the Spirit of Poetry, Sentiment, and Paffian. To combine thefe three Qualities is indeed an arduous Talk; and the Autnor, therefore, does not flatter himielf that he has entirely fucceeded in fo difficult an Attempt. In Juftice to METASTASIO, he thinks proper to inform the mere Engli/h Reader, that he hath not been a Translator on this Occafion, but has fol- lowed the Impulfe of his own Imagination, ex- cepting in a few Paflages. FhelTALiAN POET gave the Fable; the prefent Writer made his own Ufe of it j or in other Words, the Ground- work, or Canevas, (as the French call it) is METASTASIO'S j for the Colouring Mr. Murphy is anfwerable. He could not but be furprized to find that, on the firft Nights the Scene in the third Act, between Sylvia and Henrico, was deemed equivocal. There is always a fufficient Number ready to alcribe to an Author various Meanings, which he never had, *' and fee at Cannon's what was never there." - To thefe Gentlemen he returns his 1 hanks ; but the Species of Wit, which they are willing to allow him, he begs leave publickly to difclaim. The v.ha- ra&er of a Girl, who has never feen a Man, and who has been taught to think o{ fuch a Being with Horror, is merely imaginary , but the poffible, or Poetical Exitlence of luch a Girl being once efta- blifhed, it is to be wiflied that the Critics would agree what Quelticns it is natural for her to afk on her fiiir. Interview with a Man. METASTAS.IQ her fay, Che vuot da me? Un Uom Sei Anaiamo Infitme. Ah! iroppo non tratHnertr, &rc. And ADVERTISEMENT. And thefe little Touches, (fo differently do we judge in England) were thought abroad to be deli- cate Strokes of the mott elegant Simplicity. He could wilh it had been univerfa ly under- flood that it was not a TRAGEDY he offered to the Public, but a DRAMATIC POEM , that is to fay, a Piece with fome intercfting Situations to engage the Affections, but which affords more Room tgr a Pidurefque Imag nation to dif lay itfclf, than is generally allowed to the more important Concerns of real Tragedy, where the Diftrefs mould be al- ways encreafing, where the PafTions iliould be al- ways rifing to fuller and ftfonger Emotions, and where of Courie the Poet ought not to find Lei- fure for Imagery and Deicription. Had this been felt and acknowledged, no Body would have looked for another Kind of Entertainment than was pro- mifed, and the Smiles arifingfrom SYLVIA'S Dread of a Man (on the firlt Difcovery of him,) and her gradual Attachment to him in Compliance with natural Inftinct, would never have been judged inconfiftent with the Colour of the Whole. But if the Author of the Defer t I/land has erred in this, he has the Confolation of having erred with the greateft Poet now in Europe. As many of the malevolent Writers of the" Age have heretofore honoured the Author with their Abufe, and as he was apprehenfive that they (till remained under the Opprefilon ot their Dullnefa and Obfcurity, ic was deemed proper to call therri forth into Dayhght, by exhibiting one general Reprefentative of th?m all on the Stage. For this he returns his Thanks to the Author of the Prologue; and if any needy Bookfelkrs, or un- ha ( py Authors, can find their Account in taking further Liberties with him, he hereby declares, he fhould be lorry not to have Merit enough to pro- voke fome of them, and for their Encouragement, he ADVERTISEMENT. he adds in the Words of the noble Author of the- CbaraReriftics, that " He will never reply, un- " lefs he mould hear of them or their Works iix *' any good Company a Twelve-month after." The AUTHOR. PROLOGUE, Written and Spoken by Mr. GARRICK,, In the Character of a DRUNKEN. POET. /j L L, all /ball out all that I know and feel ; -*1 I will by Heaven to higher Powers appeal ! JBehold a Bard ! no Author of to-night No, 0, they can't fay that, with all their fpite : Ay^ you may frown (looking behind the fcenes) I'm at ytu % great and fmall-^ Your Poet, Players, Managers and oil !- Thefe Fools within here, fwear that Tin in liquor JMy piijfion warms me -makes my utterance thicker ; 1 totter toj but that's the Gout and Pain, French flames, and living high, have been my bane. From all temptations now, 1' wifdy fleer me ; JVsr will I \uffer one fine woman near me. Jlnd this I f'icrifice, to give you pleafu>$ For you I've colnd my brainSy-r-and here's the treafurt / [Pulls out a Manufcript... A treasure this, of profit and delight ! And ail thrown by for this damn d jluff ts-night : This is a play would water ev'ry eye If I but look upon* t, it makts me cry : This Play would tears frsm blood- ft air? d Soldiers drau>^^- And melt the bowels of hard hearted Law ! Would fore and aft the Jlorm-proof Sa.il.or rake i Kte{> turtle eating Aldermen awake I Wsuld the cold blood a f ancient Maidens thrjll^ And make evn pretty younger tongues lie Ji ill. Tbil PROLOGUE. 'This Play not ev'n Managers would refufe, Had Heav'n but giv'n 'em any brains to chufe / [Puts up his Manufcript. Tour Bard to-night , bred In the ancient Jchosl, Defigns and meajures all by critic rule ; y Mongfl Friends // goes no farther His a Fool. So very clajffic, and Jo very dull His Defert Ifland is his own dear Skull: No Soul to make the Play-houj'e ring, and rattle, n No Trumpets, Thunder ', Ranting, Storms, or Battle ! V, But all your fine poetic Prittle prattle, j The Plot is this A Lady's caJJ away ** Long before the beginning of the Play j" And they are taken by a Fijherman, n The Lady and the Child 'tis Bays' s plan-* V So on he blunders He's an Irishman. j 'Tis all alike his comic fluff I mean < J I hate all humour ;'/ gives me the Spleen ; V So damn' em both, with all my heart, unfight, unfeen. j But Jhculd yeu ruin him, ft ill I'm undone I've try'd all ivays to bring my Phcenix on [Shewing his Play again. Flatter I can with any of their Tribe Can cut and Jlajh indeed J cannot bribe; What muft I do then ?beg you to fubfcribe, Be kind ye Boxes, Galleries, and Pit 'Tis but a Crown a piece, for all this Wit : All Sterling Wit to puff my f elf I hate You II ne'er fupply your wants at fuch a rate! 'Tis worth your money, I would f Corn to wrong ye, Tou fmi/e confentI II fend my hat among ye. [Going, he returns. itifu Se much beyond all praife your bounties fwell ! blot my own Tongue, my Gra-ti-tude can tell <* A littlt Flat t try fome times dots well." [Staggers off. Dramatis Dramatis Perfonse. M E N. to HFNIICO, Friend to I Mf> FLEETWOOD . terdinand, W O M E N. CONSTANTIA, Mrs. PRITCHARD* SYLVIA, her Daughter, Mifs PRITCHARD. SCENE, A DESEKT ISLAND, THE DESERT ISLAND. A C T I. ffle fcene reprefents a vale in the Defert I/land* furrounded by rocks, caverns, grottos, flowering Jhrubs, exotic trees, and plants growing wild. On one fide is a cavern in a rock, over the entrance of which appears, in large characters, an unflnijh- ed infcription. CONSTANTIA is difcovered at work at the infcription, in a romantic habit of Jkins, leaves, and flowers ; in her handjhe holds a broken fword, and ftands in aft to fini/h tbt imperfetl infcription. After a fhort paufe, /he begins. E S T, reft my arm ye weary finews, reft Awhile forget your office On this rock Here fit thee down, and think thy- felf to ftone. [Sits down. Would heav'n 1 could ! [rifes-] Ye flirubs, ye namdefs plants, B That 2 The DESERT ISLAND. That wildy-gadding 'midft the rifted rocks Wreathe your fantaftic fhoots ; ye darkfome trees, That weave yon verdant arch above my head, "Shad'wing this folemn fcene j * ye mofs-grown caves, Romantic grottos, all ye objects drear, - Tell me, in pity tell me, have ye ieen, Thro' the long feries of involving time, In which you have inclos'd this lonely manfion, Say, have ye feen another wretch like me? No, never! You, in tend'reft fympathy, Have join'd my plaits you, at the midnight hour, When with uprooted hair I've (Irew'd the earth, And call'd my hufoand gone; have cali'd in vain Perfidious Ferdinand ! you, at that hour, Have waken'd echo in each vocal cell, Till ev'ry grove, and ev'ry mountain hoar, Mourn'd to my grefsrefponfive Weil you know The (lory of my woes Ev'n yonder marble Relenting feels the touch i receives each trace That forms the melancholy tale. Tho' rude, And inexpert my hand , tho' all uncouth The inftrument, yet there behold my work Well nigh complete let me about it freight. [Stye advances toward the rock. Ye deep engraven letters, there remain ; And if in future time refiftlefs fate Should throw fome Briton on this difmal fhore ; Then fpeak aloud , to his aftonifh'd fenfe Relate my fad, my memorable cafe -^ Alarm his foul, call out STOP The DESERT ISLAND, STOP TRAVELLER. , HERE CONSTANTLY, WITH HER LITTLE INFANT, SYLVIA, WAS DES.ERTED BY HER HUSBAND^ THE PERFIDIOUS FERDINAND; WHO. PRETENDING' TO LAND HER FOR REFRESHMENT FROM THE DANGERS OF A STORMY SEA, V BARBAROUSLY LEFT HER ON THIS UNHOSP1TABLE ISLAND, WHERE SHE ENDED HER DEPLORABLE LIKE, FRIEND! WHOE'ER THOU ART, PITY MY WRONGS, BUT AGAINST MY HUSBAND', (FOR LOVE LIKE M[NE CANNOT FORGET WHERE ONCE WITH DELIGHT IT FIXED) I CHARGE YOU NEVER MEDITATE R Revenge ! the word Revenge is wanting ftill. Ye holy pow'rs ! if with one pitying look You'll deign to view me, grant my earned pray*rl Let me but finifh this my fad infcription, Then let this bufy, this afflifted heart Be ftill at once, and beat my bread no more. [She goes on with her work. Enter SYLVIA. SYLVIA. My deareft mother oh ! quite out of breath. B 2 . CON si AN- 4 The DESERT ISLAM Q. CONSTANTIA. What is the matter, child ? SYLVIA. Why, ma'am, my heart, Beats wild with joy oh ! fuch an incident ! -9 CONSTANTIA. What incident, my fweet ? SYLVIA. My little fawn, My dear, my loveHeft fawn, for many days Whofe lofs I've mourn'd , for whofe dear fake I've left No corner of the Iflc unfearch'd ; this monument O'er the dewrfpangled lawn, with printlcfs feet, Came bounding to me ; playful frilk'd about With inexpreffive airs of glad furprize, With eager ligns of tranfport Big round tears Stood trembling in his eye, and feetrfd to ipeal^ His fond regret ftill mingling with his joy. CONSTANTIA, And is it that, my love, delights thee fo ? SYLVIA. And can you wonder, ma'am ? yes, that de- lights me, Tranfports me, charms me ; -^- he's my darling care, My dear companion, my fweet little friend, That loves me, gambols round me, watches ftill anxious tendernefs my ev'ry motion, Pants The DESERT ISLANP. ^ Pants on my bofom, leaps into my arms, And wanders o'er me with a thoufand kifles. Before this time he never once ilray'd from me; 1 thought 1 loft him; but he's found again! And can you wonder I'm tranfported thus ! C O N S T A N T I A. Oh ! happy ftate of innocence ! how fweet Thy joys, fimp'icity, e'er;yet the mind "With artificial pafiions. learns to glow; Ere taft has ta'en our fenfes to qur fchool, Has given each well-bred appetite her laws, Taught us to feel imaginary blifs, Or elfe expire in elegance of pain, SYLVIA. Nay, now, again, you're growing grave 'tis you Give laws to appetite ; forbid each fenfe. To minifter delight; your eyes are dimm'd With conftant tears ; the rofes on your cheek Fade like yon violets, when exceffive dews Have bent their drooping melancholy heads; $oon they repair their graces ; foon recal Their aromatic lives, and fmiling yield To fighing Zephyr all their balmy fweets. To grief you're ftill a prey ; ftill wan defpair Sits with'ring at your heart, and ev'ry feature Has your directions to be fix'd in woe. Nay, pr'ythee now clear up you make me fad : Will you, Mama,, forget your cares ? CONSTANTIA. Forget ! Qh ! fweet oblivion, thy all healing balm To 6 The DESERT ISLAND; To wretches you refufe ! can I forget Perfidious Ferdinand ? His tyrant form Is ever prefent The deluding looks, Endearing accents, and the fofc regards With which he led me to yon mofs-clad cave, There to repofe awhile oh ! cruel man ! And you, ye confcious wilds, I call you falfe ! Accomblices in guilt ! The Zephyrs bland That pant upon each leaf ; the melody That warbles thro* your groves ; the falling foun- tains That at each deep'ning cadence lull the mind, Were all fuborn'd againft me ; all confpir'd To wrap me in the filken folds of fleep. Sudden I wake where, where is Ferdinand * I rave, I fhriek, no Ferdinand replies ; Frantic I rove thro* all your winding glades, I feek the more , no Ferdinand appears I climb yon craggy fteeps -, I fee the fhip Unfurling all her fails I call aloud, I ftamp, cry out ; deaf as the roaring fea He catches ev'ry gale that blows from heav'n, And cleaves his liquid way. SYLVIA. Why will you thus Recal your paft afflictions ? CONSTANTIA. Ah ! what then, Thou wretched Conftance, what were then thy feelings ? I re iid The DESERT ISLAND, 7 I rend my treffes, beat my breaft in vain, In vain ftretch out thefe ineffectual arms, Pierce with my frantic cries the wounded air, Dafh my bare bofom on the flinty rock, Then rife again, and ftrain my aching fight, To fee the fhip ftill lefPning to my view, And take the laft, laft glimpfe, as far, far off In the horizon's verge me dwindles ftill, Grows a dim fpeck, and mixes with the clouds Juft vanifhing, juft loft, ahl feen no more* SYLVIA. I pr'ythee don't talk lo my heart dies in me Why won't you ftrive a little to forget This melancholy theme ? the twilight grey Of morn but faintly ftreaks the eaft ; the ftars ftill glimmer thro* the whit'ning air ; the groves Are mute j yon all-devouring deep lies hulh'd ; The tuneful birds, and the whole brute creation Still fink in foft oblivious (lumber wrapp'd, Forgetful of their cares ; all, all but you Know fome repofe ; you pafs the dreary night In tears and ceafelefs grief j then rifing wild Anticipate the dawn, and here refume Your doleful tafk, or elfe afcend the height Of yonder promontory; their forlorn You fit, and hear the brawling waves beneath Lam the refounding more ; your brimful eye Still fix'd on that fad quarter of the heav'ns .Where my hard father difappear'd. CONST-AN- 5 The DESERT ISLAND* CONSTANTIA. Yes, there My melancholy loves to dwell ; there loves To fit, and pine over its hoa-d of grief; To roll thefe eyes o'er all the fullen main, In hopes fome fail mny this way fhape its courfe, "With tidings of the human face Oh! heav'ns! Could I behold that dear, that wifh'd for fight. Could I but fee fome veftiges of man, Some mark of focial life, ev'n tho' the fhip Should fhun this ifle, and court propitious gales Beneath fome happier clime j yet ftill the view- Would chear my foul, and my heart bound with joy At that faint profpefl of my fellow creatures. But not for me, fuch tranfport; not for me Dear native land, I now no more muft fee thee, Condemn'd in ever-during folitude to mourn, From thy fweet joys, fociety, debarr'd ! SYLVIA. But to your happinefs what's wanting here ? Full many a time Fve heard you praife the art?, The polim'd manners, and gay fcenes of blifs "Which Europe yields yet ever and anon 1 from your own difcourfe can gather too That happinefs is all unknown to Europe , That envy there can dwell, and difcontent ; The fmile, that wakens at another's woe , The heart, that fickcns at another's praife -, The tongue, that carries the malignant tale ; The DESERT ISLAND. 9 The little fpirit, that fubverts a friend -, Fraud, perfidy, ingratitude, and murder. Now Cure with reafon I prefer thefe fcenes Of innocence, tranquillity and joy ! CONSTANTIA. Alas ! my child, 'tis eafy to fort-go Unknown delights pleafures weVe never felt. SYLVIA. Are we not here what you yourfelf have told me In Europe fovereigns are? here we have fix'd Our little fylvan reign. The guilelefs race Of animals, that roam the lawns and woods, Are tractable and willing fubjecls ; pay Paflive obedience to us and yon fea Becomes our tributary , hither rolls In each hoarfe-murm'ring tide his various (lores Of dantieft mell-fiili the unbidden earth, Of human toil all ignorant, pours forth Whatever to the eye, or tafte, can prove Rare, exquifite, and good at once the fpring Call forth its green delights, and fummer's bluih Glows on each purple branch. The feafons here On the fame tree, with glad furprize, Behold each other's gifts arife : Spontaneous fruits around us grow; For ever here the Zephyrs blow : Shrubs ever flow'ring, Shades embow'ring j Heav'nly fpots, Cooling grots, C Verdant io The DESERT ISLAND. Verdant mountains* Falling fountains ; Pure linjpid rills, Adown the hills, That wind their way And o'er the meadows play, Enamour'd of th* enchanted ground. CONSTANTIA. What is this wafte of beauty, all thefe charms Of cold, inanimate, unconfcious nature, Without the focial fenfe ? thofe joys, my Sylvia* Thou can'ft not mifs ; for thou haft never known 'em. SYLVIA. But (till thofe beauteous tracts of Europe, which you fo much regret, are fuJ of men 5 And men, you know, are animals of prey: I'm fure that you yourfelf have told me fo A thoufand times. CONSTANTIA. And if I have, my child, 1 told a difmal truth. Oh ! they are falfe> Inexorable, cruel, fell deceivers 5 Their unrelenting hearts no harbour know For honour, truth, humanity, or love. SYLVIA. Well then, in this lone ifle, this dear retreat From them at leaft we're free. CONSTAN* The DESERT ISLAND. 11 CONSTANTIA. Poor innocent I I can't but grieve for her [BurJIs into tears* ojlde. SYLVIA. Why fall afrefh Thofe drops of forrow ? pray you, now give o'er. CONSTANTIA. My heart will break I do not grieve, my child-^ I can't confeal my tears they muft have way SYLVIA. Nay, if you love me, fure you will not thus Make my heart ake within me ! CONSTANTIA. No, my fweet I will not weep all will be well, my love Oh ! mifery ! I can't, I can't contain The black ingratitude 1 \Wee])s* SYLVIA. Say, is there aught That I can do, Mama, to give you comfort ? If there is, tell me mall I fetch my fawn? Dry up -your tears, and he is your's this moment I'll run and bring him to you. CONSTANTIA. Sylvia, no ! SYLVIA. Nay do, Mama I beg you will you mail. [Exit C 2 CONSTAN- j 2 .The DESERT ISLAND. CON S T A N T I A- alone. Alas! I fear my brain will turn the fun Full fixteen times has made his annual courfe, Since here I've dragg'd a miferable being, The victim of defpair , which long e'er now, To phrenzy kindling, muft have forced me dafii tvly brain in madnefs on yon flinty rocks, And end my pangs at once *, if the keen inftincl: Of (Irong maternal Iqve had not reftrain'd My wild diforder'd foul, and bade me live To watch her tender infancy ; to rear Her blooming years i with fond delighted care To tend each blofibm of her growing mind, And fee light gradual dawning on her. foul. And yet to fee her thus, to fee her here, Cut off from ev'ry focial bill's ;' condemn'd Like fome fair flow'r that in a defert grows, To breathe its fweets into the pafimg wind, And wafte its bloom all unperceiv'd away ! It is enough to break a mother's heart. Let me not think on't ^let me fhun that thought, [Sits down and fmgs. I. What tho* his guilt my heart hath torn, Yet lovely is his mien, His eyes mild-op'ning as the morn, Round him each grace is feen. But oh ! ye nymphs, your loves ne'er let him win, For oh! deceit and falfhood dwell within. II, From The DESERT ISLAND. '1 H-. From his red lip his accents ftple, Soh as kind vernal fnows ; Melting they came, and in the foul Defhe and joy arofe. But oh! ye nymphs, ne'er liflen to his art, For oh ! bafe falfliood rancles in his heart* III. He left me in this lonely ftate ! He fled, and left me here. Another Ariadne's fate, , t To mourn the live-long year, He fled but oh ! what pains the heart muft prove, When we reveal the crimes of him we love! Re-enter SYLVIA. SYLVIA. I cannot bring him now in yonder ftream That thro' its pebbled channel glides along Soft-murm'ring to the fea, he ftands to cool His beauteous form in the pure limpid rill. But ftill he fhall be your's <. C O N S T A N T I A. ' To thee, my child, To thee he caufes joy but joy to me There's nothing now can bring left by my hufband! By the falfe barb'rous man ! -^ SYLVIA; my mother CONSTANT! A. Mine are pangs, my child, Strokes of adverfity no time can cure, No lenient arts can foften or afluagc. But I'll not grieve thee, Sylvia I'll retire To feme fequefter'd haunt There, all forlorne, I'll fit, and wear myfelf away in thought. ['/. SYLVIA, alone. Alas ! how obftinately bent on grief Is her whole mind ! the votarift of care I In vain I try to foften her afflictions, And with each art beguile her from her woe. I chide, intreat, carefs, and all in vain. And what to me fcems ftrange, perverfe, and wond'rous, The more 1 ftrive, the more her forrows fwell ; Her tears the fafter fall, fall down her cheek In ftreams fo copious, and fuch bitter anguilh, That I myfelf at length, I know not how, Catch the foft wcaknefs, and o'erpowVd with grief, Flow all diffolving in unbidden tears. Affift her heav'n, Her hear; will break at laft - I trem- j6~ The DESERT ISLAND. I tremble at the thought Pil follow ftraight And (till implore, bdeech, try evr'y way To reconcile her to herfeif and me. But fee, look yonder ! what a fight is there ! What can it mean, that huge eno mous mafs That moves upon the bofom of the deep ! A floating mountain ! no a mountain never Could change its place for fuch a monftrous bulk How light it urges on its way how quick, How rapid in its courfe ! What can it be I'll tow'rd the more, and from the pointed rock That juts into the waves, at leifure view This wond'rous fight, and what it is explore. END of the firft ACT. ACT The DESERT ISLAND. ?-&&**&??&<*&? ACT II. SCENE, Another then Ferdinand falls. The ftorm of grief o'erpow'rs his feeble fpirits. Now The DESERT ISLAND. 31 Now rouze thy ftrength, my Ferdinand, and bear This load of forrow like a man. - FERDINAND. I do Thou fec'ft I do I do not weep, my friend Thefe eyes are dry their very fource is dry I am her cruel hufband to the laft. H E N R I C O. Oh ! thou wert ever kind and tender to her. FERDINAND. Tender and kind ! look there ! there (lands the black, The- horrid roll of guilt denounc'd againft me. Lo ! the dread characters ! let me perufe The whole fad record ; of this bitter woe Still deeper drink, and gorge me with affliction. [He reads. FRIEND! WHOE'ER THOU ART, PITY MY WRONGS, BUT AGAINST MY HUSBAND, (FOR LOVE LIKE MINE CANNOT FORGET WHERE ONCE WITH DELIGHT IT FIXED) I CHARGE YOU NEVER MEDITATE R Revenge, the meant to fay the word's begun But death untimely ftopt her hand oh ! mifery ! She thought me falfe, and yet could love ftill The 32 The DESERT ISLAND. The wound now pierces deeper had (he loath'd me, Abhprr'd me, curs'd me, 'twere not half the torture This angel -good nefs caufes .and to lofe her I To lofe a mind like her's, that thus could pour Such unexampled tenderhefs and love, Amidft the keencft anguifh on the earth Meafure thy length, thou wretch accurft ! there lie, For ever lie, and to thefe woods and wildi Howl out thy griefs in madnefs and defpair. M E N R I C O. I feel, I feel thy forrows oh ! my friend, . Cruel event ! your tears alas ! are juft . Then let them flow, and let me mingle mine Your gufhing forrows may afiuage your grief. This ftorm of rage attempting into peace. FERDINAND. "Who talks of peace? let phrenzy feize my brain Come, moon-ftruck madnefs, with thy glaring eye, And clanking chain i come, Ihoot thy kindling fires Into my utmoft foul j blaft ev'ry thinking pow'r; Raze each idea out ; tear up at once The feat of memory no leave me that v r ;n i,. ? ,- e "--- nory, to picture forth Conftan* The DESERT ISLAND. 33 tonftantia's lovely form, that I may fit With unclad fides, upon fome blafted heath And gloat upon her image ; fee her ftill, See her whole days with fancy's gufhing eye, And gaze on that alone H E N R I C O. Arife my friend, And quit this fatal fhore FERDINAND. And quit this ihore ! But whither turn ? ah ! whitlier fhall I go ? Where melter me from mifery ? this ifle Shall be my journey's bound. H E N R I C O. What can'ft thou mean ? FERDINAND. Never again to draw the vital air But where my love expir'd to feed my foul With thefe lad objefts, this fepulchral tale, Ev'n to the height of yet unheard-of anguifh : To print my pious kifles on the rocks ; T6 bathe the ground, which her dear footfteps prefs'd, With the inceflant tears of burnjng anguifh ; To make thefe wilds all vocal with her name, Till this cold lifelefs tongue fhall move no more, H E N R I C O. By heav'n, you muft nor think F FERDI- 34 The DESERT ISLAND. FERDINAND. Farewell ! farewell ! Confult thy happinefs ! for ever here By fate I'm doom'd to ftay alas ! Con- flantia ! To perifh with thy infant here ! no friend To clofe thy ghaftly orbs! thy pale remains On the bare earth expos'd, without the tribute Of a fond hufband's tears o'er thy dead corfe j > Without the laft fad obfcquies yet here, I (till will raife an empty fepulchre. There fhall no cold unconfcious marble form In mockery of imitated woe Bend oe'r the fancy'd urn : myfelf will be The fad, the penfive, monumental figure, Diftilling real anguifli o'er the tomb ; Till wafting by degrees I moulder down, And fink to filent durft. H E N R I C O. "What man could do, Already youv'e performed FERDINAND. Prithee, no more I will about it ftreight this place affords Materials for the work Thither I'll bring Whate'er can deck the fcene Conflantia, ycst 1 will appeafe thy difcontented fhade, Then follow thee to yonder realms of blifs. [Exit. HNRICO. The DESERT Is. LAN P.. 35 H E N R I C O folus. His vehemence of grief bears down his reafon. He muft not linger here his (lay were fatal Force will be necelTary - to our boat I'll haften back and call fome trufty friends To drag him from this malancholy fliore. END of the Second ACT* Fa ACT $6 The DESERT ISLAND. && ACT III. contnues. Enter SYLVIA. HRO* the befriending gloom of arch- ingbow'rs r Thro* walks, where never fun-beam pierc'd, at length I've gain'd this deep-encircled vale ah ! me ! I feel ftrange tremors ftill fhe is not here - Mama ! where can Hie be ? her mournful tafk Waits for her ling'ring hand - my deareft mother She anfwers not r what noife is that? me- thought I heard fpme fteps advancing 'tis my fawn That rufties thro' the foreft glade he flops And looks, then runs, and flops again to take A fearful gaze he too perhaps has feen Thefe unknown beings yonder lo ! he flands In mute expreflive wonder heav'n protect me ! Thro* this clofe path, that gradual winding U P Leads The DESERT ISLAND.' 37 Leads on to plains, to woods, and verdant lawns Embofom'd in the rock, I'll journey up ~ The day now glows intenfe, but by the rills, That thro* embow'ring groves come purling down, I oft can lay me, and enjoy each breeze That plays amid thofe craggy fcenes a noifc From yonder interwoven branches ha ! Ye guarding angels, fave me! fee, fee there That thing again ! Enter HEN RICO. ' H E N R I C O. What beauteous form in thefe forlorne abodes Attracts my wond'ring eyes ? - SYLVIA. Ye heav'nly pow'r s ! [Retiring from him. H E N R I C O. It fwims before my fight whatever thou art, Virgin, or goddefs oh ! a godclefs fure ! Thou goddefs of thefe m^pfions ! . for thy looks Beam heav'nly radiance, with propitious ears Accept my fupplicadon SYLVIA. Ha ! it fpeaks It fpeaks what doft thou mean ! - H E N R I C O. Qh ! fay what place, What clime is this ? and what art thou that thus Adorn'ft this lonely manfion ? SYLVIA. 38 The DESERT ISLAND. SYLVIA. Will you firft Promife to come no nearer ? H B'N R I C O. .With devotion As true as ever pilgrim offer'd up In holy fervor to his faint, I prormfe. SYLVIA. How gentle it*s demeanor ! tell me now [What thing thou art ? H E N R I C O. One born to mifery ; A man, whom fate i SYLVIA. A man ! art thou a - man ? ' H E N R I C O. I am. SYLVIA. Oh ! heav'ns ! a man ! proteft me fare me [Runs away* H E N R I C O. Nay, fly me not a fudden impulfe here Bids me perfue forgive, thou unknown fair, That with foft violence I thus prefume To force. thee meafure back thy fteps again. [,He brings her bad. SYLVIA. Force me not thus, inhuman, barb'rous man What have 1 faid Oh ! worthy gen'rous man, Thai The DESERT ISLAND- 39 Thus on my knees I beg, have mercy on me I never did you harm indeed I did not. - H E N R I C O. Arife, [raifes her] thou lonely tenant of thefe woods, And let me thus, thus as befits the man "Whofe mind runs o'er with rapture and furprize, "Whofe heart throbs wild with mingled doubt and joy, Thus let me wormip this celeftal form, - This heav'nly brightnefs, to my wond'ring eyes That fheds fuch influence, as when an angel Breaks thro* a flood of glory to the fight, Of fome expiring faint, and cheers his foul With viiions of dilclofing heav*n. SYLVIA. He kneels ! He kneels to me ! how mild his very look How fofi each word ! are you indeed a man ? . H E N R I C O. I am, fweet faint and one whofe heart is prone To melt at each idea beauty prints On his delighted fenfe ; and fure fuch beauty, Touch'd by the hand of harmony, adorn'd "With inexprefive graces, well may claim My lowlieft adoration and my love. SYLVIA. This language all is new ; but (till it has I know no't what of charming in'c, that gains Upon 40 The DESERT ISLAND. Upon the lift'nirig ear If this be falfliood j * Then failhood can afiume a pleafing look. H E N R I C O. Why thofe averted eyes ? SYLVIA. What would you have ? H E N R I C O. Oh ! if thou art as gracious, as thou'rt fair, Say have you feen Conftantia ? when and where* And how did Hie expire ? SYLVIA. Conftantia lives Why didft thou fay expire ? my mother lives, Lives in thefc bleft abodes HENRI CiO. Ah ! gentle Syl^a, So I will call thee, daughter of Conftantia, Oh ! fly and find her out mean time I'll feek Th'afflifted Ferdinand. SYLVIA. What doft thou fay ? Can he, can Ferdinand be here? that faifcr, Perfidious, barb'rous man, can he be herf ? H E N R I C O. He is, my fair; nor barbarous nor falfe. Fortune that made him wretched, could n more. Anon, The DESERT ISLAND; 41 Anon you'll know the whole; to wafte a mo- ment In ont'rence now, and longer to fufpend The meeting of this p tir, who now in agony Bemoan their lot, were barbarous indeed. SYLVIA. But may I truft him ? won't he do her harm ? H E N R I C O. He won*t, my beauteous fair. SYLVIA. Is he like you ? H E N R I C O. His goodnefs far tranfcends me SYLVIA. Then I think I'll venture to comply let's go together. H E N R I C O. Oh! I could tend thy fteps for ever; hear Soft accents warbling from thy vermeil lip, "Watch thy mild -glancing eye; behold how grace, Whate*er you do, which ever way you bend, Guides each harmonious movement; but this hour Is friendfhi/s due; then let us inftant fly Thro* different paths thou to feck out Con* flantia, And I to find her hufband haply fo G Their 4i The DESERT ISLAND. Their meeting will be fpeedier farewell! Til biing him to this veiy fpot aJicu ! For a fliort interval adieu, my love ! SYLVIA. Farewell 1 another word pray what's your name? H E N R I C O. Fair excellence, Henrico I am call'd. SYLVIA. Pray do not tarry long, Henrico - HENRICO. Why That pleafing charge, my fweet ? SYLVIA. I cannot tellj But as you're leaving me, each ftep you move, My tpirits fink; a melancholy gloom Darkens the fcene around, and 1 methinks Helpltrfs in folitude am left again To wander all alone a dreary way. HENRICO. Oh! I will come again, thou angel fweetnefs! Yes, I will come, and at that lovely flirine Pour out my adoration and my vows. Yes, I will come, to part from thee no more-, A moment now farewell ! [Exit. SYLVIA. The DESERT ISLAND. 43 SYLVIA, alone. Farewell \ be fure you keep your word He's gone, And yet is with me ftil'l abfent I hear And fee him in his abfence ftil! his looks Beam with mi'd dignity, and Hill his voice Sounds in my ear delightful what it means, This new- born fenfe this wonderful emotion, Unfelt till now and mix'd of pain and joy, I cannot gueis how my lua . i flutters in me! I'll not perplex myfelf with vain conjefl TC; "Whate'cr the caufe, rhVffect, I feel, is pleafing. \ConJluntia is beard fmging 'within the fcenes. Oh t heav"ns ! what noifc \ it is my mother's Voice Again me pours her melancholy forth, As fweetly plaintive as when fad Philomel, Beneath feme poplar {hade, bemoans her young, And fitting penfive on the lonely bough, Her eye with forrow dimm'd, file t, ; nes her dirge, Warbling the night away, while all around The vocal woodland, and- each hitl and dale Ring with her griefs harmonious hark ! that way It founds all gracious powr's direct me to her. [ Lxit. A foort fong is heard within the fcenes t ~ then enter CONSTANTIA. From walk to walk, from glade to glade, o'er all Ths fea-girt ifle, o'er ev'i y mountain's top, G 2 1 roam 44 The DESERT ISLAND. 1 roam from place to place ; but oh i no place Affords relief to me the fun now leads The fultry hours, and from his burning ray Each living thing retires , yet I endu e His fierccft rage. The fever in my mind Heeds not external circumltance, and time Witholds his medicinal aid *- the trees, And rocks themfelvcs his pow'rful influence own ; ~- All but my grief that, each fucceediog day Sees in my heart frefn bleeding as at firft. Delay not thus, ye cruel fates, but come And wrap me in eternal reft. Till then Let me perfue my mclanchoiy tafk. [Works at the infcription. Enter FERDINAND. FERDINAND. Away with their ill-tim'd, officious care. I'll none of it 'tis cruelty not f;iendfhip *- 'Tis mifcry protracted, 'tis with art, Inhuman art, to lengthen out the life Of him who groans in torment no they never (hall Compel me back to a bafe world again ! I've liv'd enough my courfe is ended here ^ For here Conftantia lies ye heav'nly pow'rs! What means upon yon confecrat d ground That vifionary form, wiih lifted arm And g earning fteel, that feems in aft to carve The rugged (tone ? " CONST AN- The DESERT ISLAND. 45 CONSTANT! A. What is't I hear ! a voice ! A groan ! from whence ha 1 (Siting Ferdinand. F F. R D I N A N D. 'Tis, it is her ghott, Her difcont'jnted fhdde that hovers (lill About this place. C O N S T A N T I A. Avaunt, thou air-drawn fhape Ot thai Perfidious ah ! [She faints away. FERDINAND. Leave me not thus Oh ! ever grai ious, ever gentle, fay . '1 is gone in fullen filcnce gone ! . Enter HEN RICO. H E N R I C O. Quick let me find him, to his raptur'd ear [Laying bold of Ferdinand. Give the delightful tidings f- ha ! FERDINAND. And thus I fink at once and follow my belov'd, [Falls into Henri CD'S arms. H ENRICO. He faints He faints the chilling dews of death Diftit D, 46 The DESBRT ISLAN Diftil thro* ev'ry pore my Ferdinand, Awake, arife, and hear the joyful founds CH happinefs reftor'd His eyes untold To feck fair day light, and now clofe again As if they ficken'd at the view FERDINAND. Forbear, And let me die ! H E N R I C O. Conftantia lives (he lives Once more to fold thee in her warm embrace* FERDINAND. I faw her fleeting ghoft fallen and pale It vanifti'd from my fight CONSTANTIA. Haunt me not thus Thou cruel tyrant form ! [Coming to bcrfelf. H E N R I C O. Whence is that voice ? Oh hcav'ns Conftantia there ! fhe to$ enrranc'd Lies ftretch'd upon the ground F E R D 1 N A N D. Where is Conftanria ? Oh ! let me fly to her embrace 'tis fhe It The DESERT ISLAND. 47 It is my wife ! it is Conftantia ! ftill, Oh ! ecftafy of blifs ? ihe flill furvives CONSTANTIA. 'Ti^ mere illufion all ; the falfe creation Of fome deceitful dream FERDINAND. 'Tis real all Again I fold her thus the known embrace Hath thrill'd it's wonted tranfport to my heart. My life, my foul, thy Ferdinand is come, CONSTANTIA. And com'ft thou then, inhuman as thou art, Com'it thou again to wreak thy falmood on me ? FERDINAND. By heav'n I ne'er was falfe dafh not my joys With thy unkind fufpicion of my love, "While thus tranfported far above the lot Of human blifs, I prefs my lips to thine, Inhaling balmy fweets, and all my foul Runs o'er with joy, with wonder and delight. CONSTANTIA. Did'ft thou not meanly leave me here a prey ? FERDINAND. And can Conftantia deem me then fo bafe ? Can me believe me fuch a vile betrayer ? Can'ft thou ? CONSTANTIA. On this unhofpitable more Left as 1 was FERDI- 4% The DESERT ISLAND. FERDINAND. Oh ! miff ry ! thou we *rt "While 1 was dragg'.i by arx infidious band Of pyrates, faVige b cud-hounds ! i to bondage But wicnrfs heav*n witntls ye midnight hours That heard my cealc lei's groans, how her dear image Grew to my very heart ! CONSTANTIA. And haft thou then Been doom'd to flavery ? FERDINAND. I have. CONSTANTIA. And groan 'd This long* long time beneath oppreflion's hand? FERDINAND. E'er fince thefe eyes have gaz'd delighted on thee, The bitter draught of mi r ery was mine. CONSTANTIA. And wert thou true indeed ? FERDINAND. By heav'n 1 was. CONSTANTIA. And have I then accus d thee ? have I pour'd A thoufand ftrong complaints againlt thee ? called High The DESERT ISLAND 49 High judging heav'n to witnefs to my wrongs, Told all thefe wilds, thefe rocks, thefe wood- crown'd hills Of injur'd truth and violated love ? Falfely 1 talk'd, unjuftly I complain'd Of injur'd truth and violated love, My Ferdinand was true again 'tis giv'ri With his lov'd form to glad thefe eyes, to rulh With eager tranfport to his fond embrace, To cling around his neck, and growing to him Pour the warm tears of rapture and of love. [They embrace. Enter SYLVIA. SYLVIA. I heard my mother's voice what do I fee ? In a man's arms ! embracing and embrac'd ! FERDINAND. Is that my Sylvia ? oh ! it muft be fo My child, my child furvives ! furvives to take A raptur*d father's bleffing, and o'erpay His fuff*rings paft by his excefs of joy, This interview of mingled tears and kifles. [Embraces her. SYLVIA. How gentle his deportment too! I feel A foft attraction bind my foul to his. Mama, are thefe the men, whom you defcrib'd Inexorable, cruel, fell deceivers ? H CONSTAN- 50 The DESERT ISLAND. CONSTANTIA. I was deceiv'd myfelF, my child ; for truth, Honour, and love, and conftancy are theirs. 1 now have proof of unexampled goodnefs SYLVIA. Indeed I ftrongly thought you wrong'd 'em much, When firft Henrico met my wond'ring eyes. F E R D I N A N D. Henrico is my friend, my beft, Conftantia, And thou hereafter malt know all his virtues. SYLVIA. And (hall I know him too ? HENRICO. Thou malt; and I \Vill live thy (lave, if thou wilt deign to love me. SYLVIA. Love you ! I know not what you mean by love; But if with pleafure to behold thee ; if To hang upon thy words; to mourn thy abfence ; With joy to meet again, and feel my heart Form new defires, and wifh it knows not what, If that be love I do already love you I love you better than my fawn. HENRICO. How fweet The voice of innocence oh ! thou malt be, . My The DESERT ISLAND. -51 My friend will fmile confent, yes, thou fair nymph, Shalt be my bride SYLVIA. Your bride ! what's that ? H E N R I C O. My wife. SYLVIA. No. fir, ,not that. I crave your pardon there I beg to be excirs'd I do not chufe To be left helplefs on a defert ifland. C O N S T A N T I A. Thy father did not leave me, Sylvia ; no j He could not prove deliberately falfe. His heart was unfufceptible of fraud. Anon you'll know it all. H E N R I C O. Mean time, my fair, Banifh thy fears -, and let me with this kifs On the white foftnefs of this lovely hand, For ever dedicate my heart. SYLVIA. Oh! heav'ns! fWhat muft I do, Mama? CONST ANTJA. Requite his love With fair return of thine, H 2 SYLVIA. 52 The DESERT ISLAND. SYLVIA. Muft I do fo ! The tafk appears not undelightful yes ; To thce I can refign myfelf but tell me; Wilt thou ne'er leave me ? wilt thou ever here Fix thy abode ? . H E N R I C O. No ; we'll convey thee hence, To the foft influence of a milder clime : There, like a flow'r tranfplanted, thou malt flourifh, And ne'er rfgret this warmer fouthern flcy, But thrive and ripen, to the wond'ring world Uiifolding all thy fweets to higher bloom SYLVIA. What place is that ? and whither will ye bear me? FERDINAND. To thy dear native foil to England, love. SYLVIA. To England ! H E N R I C O. Yes! the land of beauteous dames ; 'Mongft whom thy macchlefs excellence (hall mine With undiminim'd radience, and exert It*s gentle pow'r, by innocence endear'd, By virtue hcighten'd, and by modeft truth Attcmper'd The DESERT ISLAND. 53 Attempcr'd to fuch fweemefs, that each fair With unrepining heart, and glad confcnc Shul own thy rival claim; and ev'ry youth T juch'd by the graces of thy native beauty, Shall join to make thy form the public care. S V L V I A. I cannot quit this Ifland , cannot leave Thefe woods, thefe lawns, thefe hills and deep- ning vales, ; Thefe dreams of;-vifrted, each well known haunc "Where hand in hand with innocence I've ftray'd, And tafted joys fercne as in the air, That pants upon yon trembling leaves. FERDINAND. Such joys For thee mail blofibm in thy native land, And new delights arife. There cultur'd fields Wave with the golden harvelt ; commerce pours Each delicacy forth ; there ftately domes Attract the wond'ring eye ; there cities, fwarm With bufy throngs intenfe, and fmiles around A fcene of active, cheerful, focial life. Thither I'll lead thee, fweet SYLVIA. And yet my heart Mifgivcs me much : does not contention there, And civil difcord render life a fcene Of care, and toil, and ftruggle ? does not war From foreign nations oft invade the land, With all his train of mifery and death ? FERDI- 54 The DESXRT'ISLAND. FERDINAND. Thy lovely fears are groundlefs ours the land Where inward peace diffufes fmiles around, And fcatters wide her bleflings there a king, (My friend comes later thence, and tells me all) There reigns a happy venerable king Difpenfing juftice and maintaining laws That bind alike his people and himfelf. From that fource liberty and ev'ry claim A free-born people boaft, flow equal on And harmonize the ftate v while in the eve And calm decline of life our monarch fees A royal grandfon ftill to higher luftre Each day expanding ; emulous to trace His granfire's fteps, to copy out his actions *, And bid the ray of freedom onward ftretch To ages yet unborn. S Y L V I A. And do the people Know their own happinefs ? FERDINAND. They do, my fweet : Pleas'd they behold their native rights fecur'd ; Their commerce guarded, and the ufeful arts, That raife, that foften, and embellifK life, All to perfection rifing. With a fenfe Of The DESERT ISLAND. 35 Of their own blefiing touch'd, with one confent They pour their treafures, and exhauft their blood In their king's righteous caufe ; and Albion thus Railes her envied head ; thus ev'ry threat Of foreign force, each menace of invafion From a vain, vanquifh'd, difappointed foe, Like broken billows on her craggy cliffs, Shall murmur at her feet in vain. SYLVIA. Methinks I long to fee this place FERDINAND. My Sylvia, yes, Thou fhalt return propitious gales invite Come then, Conftantia oh! what mix'd emo- tions Heave in this bofom at the fight of thee ? CONSTANTIA. I too run o'er with ecftacy of joy, And tears mud fpeak my happinefs I long To utter all my fond, fond thoughts ; to tell The ftory of my woes, and hear of thine 5 While at each word our hearts fhall melt within us, And thrill with grief, with tendernefs, and love. FERDINAND. The tale mall ferve us in our future hours Of tender intercourfe, to fweeten pain, To 56 The DESERT ISLAND. To calm adverficy, and teach our fouls To bend in love, in gratitude, a-nd praife To the All-good on high, who thus befriends The caufe of innocence ; who thus rewards Our fufTc-ring conftancy ; whofe hand, tho' flow, Thus leads to rapture thro* a train of woe. FINIS. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed.