An Economical Boomerang BLSHINQ COMPANY SHOEMAKER'S BEST SELECTIONS For Readings and Recitations Nos. I to 27 Now Issued Paper Binding, each number. - - - 30 cents Cloth " ... 50 cent* Teachers, Readers, Students, and all persons who have had occasion to use books of this kind, concede this to be the best series of speakers published. The different numbers are compiled by leading elocution- ists of the country, who have exceptional facilities for securing selections, and whose judgment as to their merits is invaluable. No trouble or expense is spared to obtain the very best readings and recitations, and much material is used by special arrangement with other publishers, thus securing the best selections from such American authors as Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Lowell, Emerson, Alice and Phoebe Gary, Mrs. Stowe, and many others. The foremost Eng- lish authors are also represented, as well as the leading French and German writers. This series was formerly called "The Elocution- ist's Annual," the first seventeen numbers being pub- lished under that title. While the primary purpose of these books is to supply the wants of the public reader and elocution- ist, nowhere else can be found such an attractive col- lection of interesting short stories for home reading. Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, or mailed upon receipt of price. The Penn Publishing Company 923 Arch Street, Philadelphia An Economical Boomerang & A FARCE IN ONE ACT By W. H. Neatl cAuihor of "Raising the Wind," "Before the War," etc. PHILADELPHIA THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 1909 SRLF URL NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. AN ECONOMICAL BOOMERANG.* W. H. NKALL. CHARACTERS. MB. ALEXANDER DABBLETON, suddenly seized with an economical atreak. MBS. ALEXANDEB DABBLETON, although disagreeing, acquiesces. MB. BIRD PLOVER, ) recellt i y married couple. MBS. BIRD PLOVER,/ DOCTOB, who is laboring under a misapprehension. MAQOIE, who, if she wasn't Irish, might have been "Frinch.' SCENE. Mrs. Dabbletoris sitting-room. Entrances at right and left. Mrs. Dabbleton discovered looking over a dress as Mr. Dab- bteton enters at right. MR. DABBLETON. Lila, dearest, as I entered, I encountered your maid going, in haste, for the seamstress. Pending a proposition to you, I detained her and she awaits below. MRS. DABBLETON. Why, Alexander, love, I intend having this dress altered and had sent Maggie with a note to Miss Stitcher to come to-morrow. MR. D. Precisely, love, so you did, but the fact is, I met Jack Pimpers down town to-day ; and Jack, you know, hasn't been married quite a year and he said that his wife made all her own dresses and altered her old ones, when necessary. MRS. D. And, I presume, trimmed her own hats- cooked the meals scrubbed the floors sifted the ashes beat the carpets washed the windows - MR. D. (interrupting.) Now, Lila, dear, don't go off into one of your sarcastic monologues as you always do, whenever I tell you what I merely heard. Jack only mentioned dresses. MRS. D. But, Alexander, you surely mean something when you have stopped Maggie from delivering my note. MR. D. Well ! my dear, can't my little wife learn to prac- tise economy ? I am afraid I have been too indulgent with you, Lila. Why not alter that skirt yourself? MRS. D. But I really do not know how, love. At the ichool, where I was educated, I was only taught music, em- broidery and such like accomplishments in connection with toy studies, not dressmaking, MR. D. Then, darling, this will be a good opportunity to fiake a beginning. " In economy there is wealth." MRS. D. Suppose I should spoil it ? The material is toe gxpensive to practise on. _ 144 ONE HUNDBEfc CHOICE SELECTIONS MR. D. Nonsense, love ; you know v hat design you want"! MRS. D. Y-e-s; I have patterns. MR. D. Well then, let me inform Maggie that she need not deliver your letter. (Goes to door and gives directions.) There, now. I am quite sure that this will prove a delight- ful experience. (Sits at table, takes up evening paper.) MRS. D. But I have no dummy, Alexander. MR. D. Dummy ? Dummy ? MRS. D. Yes, a form. MR. D. You have no form ; why, my dear MRS. D. I mean a model, a lay-figure. MR. D. Oh ! I see ; well, do as all dressmakers do, by measurements. Why my tailor does not depend on a "dum- my," my dear, he just marks out what he wants; cuts it, BCWS it, and there you are. MRS. D. Doesn't he try it on you ? MR. D. Well, y-e-s but you can easily slip in and out of f.t yourself and get the gauge by your m~ror ; you women have a way for that, I'll warrant. MRS. D. But I must have something to ^np . it upon. MR. D. Then, my love, use Maggie. MRS. D. (laughing.) The idea ! Maggie is mfcl* stouter than '1 am. MR. D. Well ! you can allow say, an inch or two. MRS. D. (suddenly.) Alexander, dear, if it is your wish for me to alter this skirt myself, I will use you. MR. D. Use me, Lila ! MRS. D. Yes, for draping. MR. D. All folly, dear, besides I want to read the paper. MRS. D. (coyly.) Hadn't I better send for Miss Stitcher 'i MR. D. Well ! h'm certainly not. I'll gratify you with the use of my person but I am sure that it is all unnecessary. MRS. D. (pouting.) Alexander, you are unkind. MR. D. (arising quickly.) There there sweetness, I don't want to distress you, come, what must I do? MRS. D. Take off your coat, dear. ( Mr. D. removes coat.) MR. D. And vest? MRS. D. Oh, no! Now put this skirt on. (Mr. D. does *>, waking many mistakes.) MR. D. I wouldn't be a woman for worlds. MRS. D. Now love, let me draw it in around the waist. NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 45 MR. D. Stop, Lila, stop! I can't breathe; why I would die of heart failure if you persisted in squeezing me in that way, no wonder you women die of congested liver and con- tracted diaphragm. MRS. D. There how is that? Now do not move. MR. D. Move, my love, why I couldn't if I wanted to; I'm in a vise. (Mrs. D. drops on her knees and arranges skirt.) MRS. D. Let me pin it up here and there. I think thai would look better this way. It wants gathering here. MR. D. Lila, you've got all those pins stuck through my trousers. MRS. D. (sternly.} Alexander, I think that you find an awful lot of fault ; I told you how it would be. Lean farther over, Mr.. D. My dear, if I lean much farther over, I'll go on my nose. MRS. D. Step out a little there ; be careful ; don't fall. MR. D. My love, it's a good thing that my life's insured, MRS. D. (surveying with critical eye.) I don't like the sweeji of this train; it wants a little more of a curve I think thai one plait will do it. (Mr. D. endeavors to see and nearly falls over.} MR. D. Lila, dear, I I fear something has ripped. No it hasn't either (examining) ; it's one of my suspender buttons MRS. D. Now take it off. I have a few stitches to put m and then you must try it on again to see if it is right. MR. D. Is that customary ? ( Takes off dress.) MRS. D. Why, yes; and besides I am inexperiencedano .t will take me longer. (Begins to sew.) MR. D. In that case whilst you are putting in the stitches I'll read my paper. MRS. D. Oh, I'm all ready now. Put it on again. (He does so.) There now, all that trouble for nothing. I did not tack it in the right place. Now take it off. (He does so.) MR. D. (pacing the floor.) Great Caesar ! I hope you will get it in shape this time. MRS. D. Try it on again. (He does so, nearly failing.) Be careful. (She sits on floor and gazes at dress.) MR. D. (impatiently.) Well! what are you looking at? MRS. D. I really don't know what to do with it. It is not right after all. MR. D. Why don't you think. Am I to stand here all night like a wax figure ? 148 ONB HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS MRS. D. Don't get angry, Alexander, love, I think that a few more pins will fix it. MR. D. Well ! put them in then. MRS. D. But where ? MR. D. How in the name of common sense do I know? While you are meditating I'll look over my paper. (Makes a movement to sit down.) MRS. D. Why you can't sit down, you'll spoil everything. MR. D. M," dear, this thing weighs a ton ; however, hav your way. {F.^ads paper while Mrs. D. adjusts more pins.} MRS. D. Now take it off again. (He does so.) MR. D. V?his finishes it, eh ? MRS. D. For the moment (seiving) try it on again, dear. MR. D. My love, allow me to suggest that this sort of thing is getting monotonous. MRS, T). Now I want to pull it so another pin here MR.)X Ouch! Mw. D. Did I stick you, dear? now another pin there MR. D. Ouch ! ! MRS. D. I am so sorry, love ! another here MR. D. Ouch ! ! ! MRS. D. Ah ! it's beginning to take shape ; don't stir, Al- exander ; I've run out of pins. MR. D. That's because you have run them all into me. MRS. D. (arising.) Do not move until I come back ; I wont be a minute you are holding yourself just right. [Exit. MR. D. I am heartily sick of this bargain. I wish that Jack Pimpers and his wife were in Jericho. If Pimpers al- lows his wife to make a "dummy" of him, it's just like that fool. (Beads paper.) Enter Mr. and Mrs. Plover, back of Mr. D. MRS. PLOVER. Oh, there you are ? MR. D. (without looking up, supposing it is Mrs. D.) Of coursft f am ; did you expect to find me in the cellar ? MR. PLOVER (aside to Mrs. P.). Why, that's Dabbleton him- self ; crazy as a loon, too. MRS. P. (dinging to Mr. P.] Oh, Bird ! Bird ! dearest. Is it not ad ? I pity Lila so. Mfc. D. (kicking up back of dress; eyes still on paper.') Well? am I ail right, yet ? NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 14? A!R. P. (to Mrs. P.) Right ! he's decidedly wrong in hia I ad, I'm thinking. MRS. P. (to Mr. P.) Oh ! Bird, darling ; I pray that you may never, never be so afflicted. MR. D. Haven't you got this thing worked out yet? (Discovers Mr. and Mrs. P.) Why why ah! ah! why Backs toward door, kft; falls down, tries to walk, falls and finally crawls out of door, on hands and knees. Mr. and Mrs. P. look on in astonishment. MR. P. (shaking head.) He's a hopeless case. MRS. P. How can they let him run loose. I would fear that he would hurt some one. (Enter Mrs. D. Looks relieved on not finding Mr. D. present.) Oh, Lila ! MRS. D. Oh, Minnie! (They embrace.) And you, Mr. Plov- er when did you come ? MRS. P. We have just arrived, and Maggie sent us right up. MRS. D. Quite right be seated. (Offers chairs.) And how did you enjoy your trip? MRS. P. Oh ! splendidly it was such a love of a trip ; wasn't it, Bird ? MR. P. It certainly was, my dear. MRS. P. And and how is Mr. Dabbleton? MR. P. Is he better? MRS. D. Yes, he has only a slight cold. MRS. P. (aside to Mr. P.) Bird, she calls it a slight cold. (Aloud.) Does he go out alone ? MRS. D. (laughing.) Oh, dear, yes; it is not so serious as that. MR. P. What does the doctor say ? MRS. D. It is not necessary for a doctor. MRS. P. (aside to Mr. P.) Bird, darling ; it isn't necessary for a doctor ! (Aloud.) Do you feel perfectly secure with him ? MRS. D. Why, what a question ! I am the happiest wom- an imaginable. I have not a care. Mr. Dabbleton and I mar. ned purely for love. M ;s. P. (ande to Mr. P.) Not a care ! for love ! (Aloud.) How long did you notice the symptoms, Lila, dear ? MR. P. Yes, Mrs. Dabbleton, were they gradual ? MRS. D. Oh, yes! I discovered them long before we were married. (Mr. P. and Mrs. P. exchange glances.) MRS. P. And are you reconciled ? MRS. D. (aside.) I wonder what she means. (Aloud.) Why, *48 ONE HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS certainly, or I would not have married. Mr. Dabbleton i kindness personified. MR. P. Rather eccentric,, though ? MRS. D. N-no -of course he has his peculiarities Mas. P. (aside to Mr. P.) Bird ! she calls it peculiarities (Aloud ) Do you have an attendant, Lila ? MRS. D. Oh ! yes, Maggie. **.} Maggie! MRS. D. Yes, didn't she let you in ? MR. P. But is she able to cope with Mr. Dabbleton ? MRS. D. (in astonishment.) It is not necessary. He rarely iiterferes with my servants. MR. P. But we mean had you ever an attendant especially for your husband? MRS. D. We had one but he left. MRS. P. I presume that the strain was too much for him! MRS. D. Strain ? He had nothing to do but to wait upon table, blacken Mr. Dabbleton's boots and brush his clothing. MRS. P. Those menial acts were beneath him, I suppose? MRS. D. Beneath him ? He did not suit so we discharged him, and Maggie fits in very well. MRS. P. Why not send him to an asylum? MRS. D. Send whom? MR. P. Why your husband. MRS. P. And have him cured. MRS. D. (arising.) My husband an asylum have him cured! Why, Minnie, what do you mean? Mr. Plover, will you explain ? MR. P. (arising.) Ah ! Mrs. Dabbleton we respect your endeavors to keep this terrible secret. Believe me, Minnie and myself will never breathe it. We sincerely pity him. MRS. P. No ! Lila, rest assured that my lips will be sealed,, good-bye, dear, keep up a brave heart poor poor man. (Aside to Mr. P.) I am just dying to get home and tell mama ! MR. P. Good-night, Mrs. Dabbleton ; if you should ever wish my services, command me at any time. [Exit both. MRS. D. (aghast.) What does it all mean ? Have they both gone crazy? (Calls.) Alexander! Alexander! where are you? Enter Maggie, in much trepidation. MAGGIE. Oh, Mrs. Dabbleton! Mrs. Dabbleton! sure I NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. liJ have that to inforum you, that the pa-ches what you are pre-sar-viug doon stairs air all biling oover and it's makin such a schmell in the kitching that I can't be afther sthand^ >ng it at all, at all ! MRS. D. Why in the world didn't you move them, Maggie ? MAGGIE. Sure ! an' didn't I be afther thrying to do that mim, whin, bad cess to it, the more I moved thim the more they schkjpped oover and made the schmell worse than iver MRS. D. Oh, dear 1 oh, dear ! I will attend to them my* elf (starting). MAGGIE. An' sure, Mrs. Dabbleton, I have also to inforurci you, the cat got into the con-sar-va-tor-e and knocked down sax flower-pots and shpilled the contints all oover the flure. MRS. D (agitated.) Oh, Maggie, didn't you drive her out? MAGGIE. I did that, mum ! But I have furder to inforum you, mum, that before I got the cat out, she knocked down that flower what you call the "Night-Bloomin' see-e-air-e-ux" an' broked off wan av the stims. MRS.D. What! My Night-Blooming Cereus? MAGGIE. Yis, mim ! the " Night-Bloomin' see-e-air-e-us" Is all broked, mim ! (Door bell rings violently.) MRS. D. There, Maggie, quickly attend to the bell ! I will go immediately to the kitchen and then to the conservatory, Do not let any one disturb me for a few minutes. MAGGIE. Yis, mim ! I will that, mim ! [Exit in hastt- MRS. D. (walking up and down in an agitated manner.) I won- der where poor Alexander is? What with amateur dress- making, and foolish questioning by idiotic married people, my choice flower broken, and the peaches oh, dear! I for- got those peaches again I suppose that they are all ruined by this time. \_Exii hastily* Doctor heard without : " Very well, very well, my good girl ! Lei me see him at once." Enter Doctor, followed by Maggie. ** tor advances to front. MAGGIK. Sure Docther, the missus is afther being in tha kitching and wants to be excused for siverial minutes ; an n I don't think Misther Dabbleton isat home, at all, at all ! DOCTOR (soliloquizing). This is very strange! very stranga indeed. What ! Mr. Dabbleton seized with a sudden attack of insanity ? why ! why ! I wouldn't have believed it. ( Uset handkerchief violently.) 130 ONB HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS MAGGIE (in open-eyed astonishment). Sure is that mon goin to have a fit ? If he does he'll be afther shpilin' the furniture. DOCTOR (still soliloquizing). Now, it's lucky that 1 happened to meet Bird Plover and his wife, just at this moment. Bird says that they had just been here visiting and that Mr. Dab- bleton was as crazy as a loon ; dresses in his wife's clothing crawls along the floor on all fours like a dog and gives utter ance to strange cries. (Again uses handkerchief.) MAGGIE (eyeing doctor closely). I wish that the masther anc* missus was here, for shure that mon is taken mighty bad ! DOCTOR. I wonder why Mrs. Dabbleton wishes to conceal her husband's malady and especially from me, her family ohysician? Now, let me see, let me see we'll have him aken to a private asylum and 1 wonder if he is violent ! Suddenly to Maggie.) 7 say, young woman, is he violent? toes he rave ? are you safe ? when did it happen ? what are ae peculiarities? MAGGIE. The saints pre-sarve us ! Be ye crazy, sur ? DOCTOR (walking up and down). Do not endeavor to with- hold anything from me, young woman ; I know all about it! MAGGIE. Faith, thin, if ye know all about it, what are you afther asking me questions for, sur? DOCTOR. Come, come, come, come ! MAGGIE (startled). Where will I be afther comin' to? DOCTOR. Come to the point, of course. MAGGIE. The p'int is it? Sure what p'int shall I come to? DOCTOR. Why, in regard to the affliction that has visited tiiis house. Did did he ever strike you ? MAGGIE. In sure, who wud sthrike me? DOCTOR. Your master, Mr. Dabbleton. MAGGIE. Mr. Dabbleton, is it? Indade and what would he be afther sthriking me for? DOCTOR. Why, during one of his paroxysms. MAGGIE. Paroxysms ; eh ! we don't use paroxysms here We use paregoric if you mean that? DOCTOR. No ! no ! no ! you fail to comprehend me still Don't you know that your master is non compos menti* f MAGGIK. Non compos mentis. Faith, is that Chinese? DOCTOR. Oh, no ! er-er He's suffering from an attack oi dementia. MAGGIE. Dementia, is it ? Sure is it catchin', Docther * NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 151 DOCTOR. You don't seem to grasp my meaning yet. In other words his mental balance is slightly out of equilibrium. MAGGIE (staring in helpless amazement around the room). E- quil-rib-u-rum ! Faith and if the disease is as bad as the name, lie must be very bad indade. DOCTOR. Oh ! ! ! He has bees in his bonnet ; bees in his bonnet, see? MAGGIE. Sure an' I don't see ! Misther Dabbleton niver wore a bonnet to my knowledge an' I'm sure that there's niver the sign of a bee around the house as long as I have been employed here. DOCTOR. Well ! I've met dumb people in my life, but you you (clapping one hand on the other to emphasize each word) your master's brain has become clouded his mental activ- ity has become warped, so to speak he is the victim of a nightmare, an hallucination. MAGGIE. Hallie-Lucy-Nation sure an' I niver heard him speak of any wan by that name about here. DOCTOR. Young woman, you certainly are very obtuse. Mr. Dabbleton is insane daft loony simple cranky . mad crazy or anything else you choose to call it. Now do you understand ? MAGGIE (alarmed). An' I do that, Docther! now that you've made it so plain. DOCTOR. Well then, has he ever run up and down the room ; thrown things about ; torn things ; eh ? MAGGIE (eyes open in affright). Faith an' I niver no-ticed anything, Docther, dear. (Mr. Dabbleton heard without catting " Lila ! LUa ! ") Oh, murther ! murther! here he comes now ! Doctor and Maggie retreat to farther end of room as Mr. Dabbleton enters. Mr. D. does not see them and is busy plucking off the dress which has been pinned to his own clothing.* Collar and necktie awry. MR. D. Lila ! Lila ! I say, Lila ! ( Tears off large handfuli of dress.) Oh (dramatically) ! If I had that Jack Pimpers here, Fd make a foot-ball of his head ! MAGGIE (aside, in affright). Oh ! look at that now ! If I could only just put myself outside of this house, I'd niver put fut in it a f rain, snro ! 'During Mr. Dubbletou's absence from the stage the dress should be removed ind patches of a similar material substituted. 152 ONE HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS DOCTOR (behind chair, aside). His case is more desperate than I supposed ! I should have brought help. Mr. Dabbleton is still tearing aviay when he suddenly runs a pin into his hand, and jumps and whoops. MAGGIE (aside). Every blissid wan of us will be killed dead with that mon carrying on so ! DOCTOR (coming from behind chair). Er-er Mr. Dabbleton. MR. D. (looking around, fiercely.) What! you here too? DOCTOR (retreating behind chair). Yes! my dear sir; pray be calm ; I will administer an opiate and MR. D. Confusion with your opiates ! I didn't send for you! MAGGIE (to Doctor). Oh, be careful, Docther, dear ! He might murther both of us ! DOCTOR (coming from behind chair). There! there! I know that. Let me feel your pulse ! MR. D. What ! (Doctor retreats behind cliair.) you medical fool ! For three pins I'll let you feel my foot. I'm not sick! MAGGIE (aside). If he's not sick now, I wouldn't want to be in the room with him when he was. DOCTOR (coming from behind chair). Of course, Mr. Dabble- ton, we recognize that you are not sick, but er I had bet- ter give you a prescription ! MR. D. (fiercely, and Doctor retreats as before.) Say, man ! I've had enough to try me to-night to to commit a desperate deed and and when you go mixing into affairs that do not concern you, it won't be my fault if you get hurt. MAGGIE (aside). Sure it's coming now ! Oh ! if that door- way was only nearer here so that I could get out, I'd make myself scarce mighty fast. (Gradually edges toward door.) DOCTOR (coming front). Mr. Dabbleton, I came here merely as a professional man ! If I can do anything that will be oS service to you, command me ! MR. D. Now you are talking sensibly. If you will kindlj retire and let me alone I will be greatly obliged. DOCTOR. Certainly, sir ! certainly ! but before I go, Mr. Dabbleton, I will leave a prescription with your wife MR. D. Didn't I say that I don't want a prescription ! (He follows Doctor around room. Exit Maggie.) What I want ia peace quiet. If I get my hands on you I'll I'll ( Iript and falls. As Mr. D. arises Doctor retreats behind chair.) HtTMBKR THIRTY-TWO. 15S DOCTOR (aside). The only thing that will do him any good is a straight-jacket, (to Mr. D.) My dear sir, if you are adverse to taking medicine I will pursue other treatment ! MR. D. (in desperation.) Man, will you or will you not leave this house? DOCTOR (coming front). Of course, sir, of course ! but (sooth- ingly) for my sake, my dear friend, just let me give you a uerve tonic ; it will MR. D. Nerve tonic ! Nerve tonic ! I'll nerve tonic you if I get hold of you, you idiotic essence of squills! (Chase* Doctor around room, who finally escapes through door-way. Mr. D. tinks into an easy chair exhausted.) Oh, my poor head ! every- body must be crazy Mas. D. (entering hurriedly.) Oh, Alexander ! Alexander ! what is all this excitement ? MR. D. Excitement ! My dear, when you put me into a private asylum, will you please get me a nice large room and a good kind nurse ? MRS. D. What is the matter? what have you done? My dress is ruined ! MK. D. (arising hastily.) Matter ! Done ! your dress ruined. Just look at me. Don't you see what a chroino your husband is? I really believe that this outrageous article is pinned to my skin. I've tried all manner of ways to get it off and I can't do it. I was never in such a pickle before in all my life and besides Bird Plover and his wife were here. MRS. D. Full well I know it and such an idiotic couple I never saw ; they did nothing but ask impertinent questions and pity you. MR. D. Pity me ! ye gods ! well they might, for a man cannot properly maintain his dignity whilst crawling along the floor on his hands and knees, as I did, to get out of their presence. MRS. D. Did they see you? MR. D. Did they see me ? They certainly did. MRS. D. f aside.) Oh ! now I understand Mr. and Mrs. Plov~ er's meaning. MR. D. And that isn't all, the Doctor was just here. MRS. D. Was that he just running out of the house? MB. D. It was he either is crazy or thinks that I am. He and Maggie ran around the room as if playing tag. MRS. D. Poor Maggie, she is down in the kitchen sob- 154 OK* HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS bing as if her heart would break ; I could not make head 01 tail of what she was trying to tell me. MR. D. Lila, I feel like a mental and physical wreck. MRS. D. You poor, dear, ill-used husband, let me take these these remnants off. MR. D. For mercy sake, take them off; Bird and his wife think, no doubt, that I've been off myself. MRS. D. Never mind, sweetie ! I will send Minnie a note and explain it (laughing). I know that you must have looked ridiculous but they are sensible people after all and will un- derstand. You can readily smooth matters over with the Doctor ; poor soul, he must have taken you for a raving ma- niac in these rags. (Site removes them.) Come let me arrange your necktie and collar, and here are your slippers, dress- ing-coat and smoking cap. (She gets these articles and he putt them on.) Now, you can eajoy a cigar whilst I Maggie suddenly appears in doQr-way with paper bundle, carpet bag and bandbox. Has on bonnet and shawl. MAGGIE (interrupting Mrs.D.). Sure Mrs. Dabbleton, I'm that sorry that I could be afther cryin' me eyes out but I've come to give you a week's warnin' and will lave at once. MRS.D. Why, Maggie! what is the matter? why are you leaving me ? MR. D. Yes! Maggie why do you leave so sudder ly ? MAGGIE (dropping bundles, trembling violently, and rolling eyes). Oh ! ah ah indade, mim, ! I-didn't want ^, mim, but but MRS. D. But what? you certainly have a reason for leav- ing so abruptly. MAGGIE (picking up bundles). I have that, mim, asking youi pardon, mini! It's on account of the masther, mim. MR. D. My account ? what do you mean ? MAGGIE. Oh oh I I ah ah ! sure sure ! I I MRS. D. Why what in the world has Mr. Dabbleton to do with your leaving ? MAGGIE (picking up bundles, dropping them again, etc.). Ask- in' your pardon again, mim; the doctor says that Mr. Mr. Dabbleton is crazy, mim, and I have ivery r'ason to believe o meself from peisonal ob-ser-va-tion, mim ! MR. D. (fiercely.) Maggie, do you mean to say MRS. D. (interrupting him.) Alexander, dear, I understand NUMBEB THIRTY-TWO. 15ft this ! Maggie, listen ! This evening I had occasion to repair my dress ; Mr. Dabbleton consented to let me drape it upon him. Our friends caught him in that predicament and sup- posed he was crazy, because he was dressed up in my clothes. MAGGIE. Oh ! no w I understand, mim. That smooth, slick- tongued fellow, with them dic-tion-air-e words, was afther telling me that the masther wore a bonnet and had a bee in it. He also said that the masther was SHSufferin' from a e- quil-rib-u-rum, phwat iver that is. MR. D. But, you see, Maggie, it was all a mistake. MAGGIE. I see that, Mr. Dabbleton (starting out) I and if I come across that blunderin' docther I'll be afther us- ing the clothes-shtick on him, an' there'll be no mistake about that, sure ! [Exit. MRS. D. Now dear, whilst you look over the evening pa- per I will look over this this (holding up dress) MR. D. (quickly.) Mrs. Dabbleton, you will oblige me by instantly dropping that dress and sending for Miss Stitchei at once. Besides, I will hand you a check to-morrow morn' ing, to cover the expense of a new gown. MRS. D. But Alexander, love, Miss Stitcher and I mighl repair damages and make this look somewhat presentable, for (slyly) you know, " Economy is wealth ! " MR. D. Lila, dear ! allow me to correct a stupendous er- ror. Economy may be wealth under certain conditions but when it makes a fool of a man; destroys valuable property and lowers one's dignity, then I say, forcibly, that it's all d d-d d MRS. D. (with finger raised.) Be care fuJ .' MR. D. (very mildly.) A matter of the veriest nonsense. For (imth increasing warmth, and Mrs. D. nodding approvingly at each sentence), if a man is so rash as to mix himself up in affairs feminine, which said affairs do not concern him and of which he has not the slightest knowledge, then it serves him right if each and every time it makes of him a con-sum- mate MRS. D. (interrupting and pointing her finger at Mr. Z>.) Dummy! e-h-h-b ? Mr. D. plunges hands into jacket-pockets and looks fierce, ilrt. Jj. laughs heartily as curtain /alls. Practical Elocution By J. W. SHOEMAKER, A. M. 300 pages Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 This work is the outgrowth of actual class-room experience, and is a practical, common-sense treat- ment of the whole subject. It is clear and concise, yet comprehen- sive, and is absolutely free from the entangling technicalities that are so frequently found in books of this class. Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocu- tion, is regarded as embracing all the germs of speech and action. Prominent attention is therefore given to the cultivation of this the most common form of human expression. General principles and practical processes are pre- sented for the cultivation of strength, purity, and flexibility of Voice, for the improvement of distinct- ness and correctness in Articulation, and for the development of Soul power in delivery. The work includes a systematic treatment of Ges- ture in its several departments of position, facial expression, and bodily movement, .a brief system of Gymnastics bearing upon vocal development and grace of movement, and also a chapter on Methods of Instruction, for teachers. Sold by all booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon re- ceipt of price. The Penn Publishing Company 923 Arch Street. Philadelphia THE NATIONAL SCHOOL OF ELOCUTION AND ORATORY TEMPLE BUILDING, BROAD AND CHERRY STREETS PHILADELPHIA 'TpHE first chartered School of Elocution in America. Thorough instruction in all branches of public reading, oratory, and dramatic art. Prepares teachers of elocution, literature and physical training. Its students and graduates occupy prominent positions in all parts of the world. By its instruction, weak voices are strengthened, bad voices made good, indistinct and faulty speech is corrected, awkwardness of manner is eliminated, con- fidence is gained, and character is developed. A faculty efficient and enthusiastic. A diploma that counts. Students helped to good positions. Classes, day, evening, Saturday. Also private in- struction. Special classes for clergymen and profes- sional people. Illustrated catalogue for the asking. MRS. J. W. SHOEMAKER, GEORGE P. BIBLE, PRINCIPALS A 000577533