An Economical 
 
 Boomerang 
 
 BLSHINQ COMPANY
 
 SHOEMAKER'S 
 
 BEST SELECTIONS 
 
 For Readings and Recitations 
 Nos. I to 27 Now Issued 
 
 Paper Binding, each number. - - - 30 cents 
 Cloth " ... 50 cent* 
 
 Teachers, Readers, Students, and all persons who 
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 from such American authors as Longfellow, Holmes, 
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 lish authors are also represented, as well as the 
 leading French and German writers. 
 
 This series was formerly called "The Elocution- 
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 While the primary purpose of these books is to 
 supply the wants of the public reader and elocution- 
 ist, nowhere else can be found such an attractive col- 
 lection of interesting short stories for home reading. 
 
 Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, or mailed 
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 The Penn Publishing Company 
 
 923 Arch Street, Philadelphia
 
 An Economical 
 Boomerang & 
 
 A FARCE IN ONE ACT 
 
 By W. H. Neatl 
 
 cAuihor of "Raising the Wind," "Before the War," etc. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 1909

 
 SRLF 
 URL 
 
 NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 
 
 AN ECONOMICAL BOOMERANG.* W. H. NKALL. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 MB. ALEXANDER DABBLETON, suddenly seized with an economical atreak. 
 MBS. ALEXANDEB DABBLETON, although disagreeing, acquiesces. 
 
 MB. BIRD PLOVER, ) recellt i y married couple. 
 
 MBS. BIRD PLOVER,/ 
 
 DOCTOB, who is laboring under a misapprehension. 
 
 MAQOIE, who, if she wasn't Irish, might have been "Frinch.' 
 
 SCENE. Mrs. Dabbletoris sitting-room. Entrances at right and 
 left. Mrs. Dabbleton discovered looking over a dress as Mr. Dab- 
 bteton enters at right. 
 
 MR. DABBLETON. Lila, dearest, as I entered, I encountered 
 your maid going, in haste, for the seamstress. Pending a 
 proposition to you, I detained her and she awaits below. 
 
 MRS. DABBLETON. Why, Alexander, love, I intend having 
 this dress altered and had sent Maggie with a note to Miss 
 Stitcher to come to-morrow. 
 
 MR. D. Precisely, love, so you did, but the fact is, I met 
 Jack Pimpers down town to-day ; and Jack, you know, hasn't 
 been married quite a year and he said that his wife made all 
 her own dresses and altered her old ones, when necessary. 
 
 MRS. D. And, I presume, trimmed her own hats- cooked 
 the meals scrubbed the floors sifted the ashes beat the 
 carpets washed the windows - 
 
 MR. D. (interrupting.) Now, Lila, dear, don't go off into one 
 
 of your sarcastic monologues as you always do, whenever I 
 
 tell you what I merely heard. Jack only mentioned dresses. 
 
 MRS. D. But, Alexander, you surely mean something when 
 
 you have stopped Maggie from delivering my note. 
 
 MR. D. Well ! my dear, can't my little wife learn to prac- 
 tise economy ? I am afraid I have been too indulgent with 
 you, Lila. Why not alter that skirt yourself? 
 
 MRS. D. But I really do not know how, love. At the 
 ichool, where I was educated, I was only taught music, em- 
 broidery and such like accomplishments in connection with 
 toy studies, not dressmaking, 
 
 MR. D. Then, darling, this will be a good opportunity to 
 fiake a beginning. " In economy there is wealth." 
 
 MRS. D. Suppose I should spoil it ? The material is toe 
 gxpensive to practise on. _
 
 144 ONE HUNDBEfc CHOICE SELECTIONS 
 
 MR. D. Nonsense, love ; you know v hat design you want"! 
 
 MRS. D. Y-e-s; I have patterns. 
 
 MR. D. Well then, let me inform Maggie that she need 
 not deliver your letter. (Goes to door and gives directions.) 
 There, now. I am quite sure that this will prove a delight- 
 ful experience. (Sits at table, takes up evening paper.) 
 
 MRS. D. But I have no dummy, Alexander. 
 
 MR. D. Dummy ? Dummy ? 
 
 MRS. D. Yes, a form. 
 
 MR. D. You have no form ; why, my dear 
 
 MRS. D. I mean a model, a lay-figure. 
 
 MR. D. Oh ! I see ; well, do as all dressmakers do, by 
 measurements. Why my tailor does not depend on a "dum- 
 my," my dear, he just marks out what he wants; cuts it, 
 BCWS it, and there you are. 
 
 MRS. D. Doesn't he try it on you ? 
 
 MR. D. Well, y-e-s but you can easily slip in and out of 
 f.t yourself and get the gauge by your m~ror ; you women 
 have a way for that, I'll warrant. 
 
 MRS. D. But I must have something to ^np . it upon. 
 
 MR. D. Then, my love, use Maggie. 
 
 MRS. D. (laughing.) The idea ! Maggie is mfcl* stouter than 
 '1 am. 
 
 MR. D. Well ! you can allow say, an inch or two. 
 
 MRS. D. (suddenly.) Alexander, dear, if it is your wish for 
 me to alter this skirt myself, I will use you. 
 
 MR. D. Use me, Lila ! 
 
 MRS. D. Yes, for draping. 
 
 MR. D. All folly, dear, besides I want to read the paper. 
 
 MRS. D. (coyly.) Hadn't I better send for Miss Stitcher 'i 
 
 MR. D. Well ! h'm certainly not. I'll gratify you with 
 the use of my person but I am sure that it is all unnecessary. 
 
 MRS. D. (pouting.) Alexander, you are unkind. 
 
 MR. D. (arising quickly.) There there sweetness, I don't 
 want to distress you, come, what must I do? 
 
 MRS. D. Take off your coat, dear. ( Mr. D. removes coat.) 
 
 MR. D. And vest? 
 
 MRS. D. Oh, no! Now put this skirt on. (Mr. D. does *>, 
 waking many mistakes.) 
 
 MR. D. I wouldn't be a woman for worlds. 
 
 MRS. D. Now love, let me draw it in around the waist.
 
 NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 45 
 
 MR. D. Stop, Lila, stop! I can't breathe; why I would 
 die of heart failure if you persisted in squeezing me in that 
 way, no wonder you women die of congested liver and con- 
 tracted diaphragm. 
 
 MRS. D. There how is that? Now do not move. 
 
 MR. D. Move, my love, why I couldn't if I wanted to; 
 I'm in a vise. (Mrs. D. drops on her knees and arranges skirt.) 
 
 MRS. D. Let me pin it up here and there. I think thai 
 would look better this way. It wants gathering here. 
 
 MR. D. Lila, you've got all those pins stuck through my 
 trousers. 
 
 MRS. D. (sternly.} Alexander, I think that you find an awful 
 lot of fault ; I told you how it would be. Lean farther over, 
 
 Mr.. D. My dear, if I lean much farther over, I'll go on 
 my nose. 
 
 MRS. D. Step out a little there ; be careful ; don't fall. 
 
 MR. D. My love, it's a good thing that my life's insured, 
 
 MRS. D. (surveying with critical eye.) I don't like the sweeji 
 of this train; it wants a little more of a curve I think thai 
 one plait will do it. (Mr. D. endeavors to see and nearly falls over.} 
 
 MR. D. Lila, dear, I I fear something has ripped. No 
 it hasn't either (examining) ; it's one of my suspender buttons 
 
 MRS. D. Now take it off. I have a few stitches to put m 
 and then you must try it on again to see if it is right. 
 
 MR. D. Is that customary ? ( Takes off dress.) 
 
 MRS. D. Why, yes; and besides I am inexperiencedano 
 .t will take me longer. (Begins to sew.) 
 
 MR. D. In that case whilst you are putting in the stitches 
 I'll read my paper. 
 
 MRS. D. Oh, I'm all ready now. Put it on again. (He does 
 so.) There now, all that trouble for nothing. I did not tack 
 it in the right place. Now take it off. (He does so.) 
 
 MR. D. (pacing the floor.) Great Caesar ! I hope you will 
 get it in shape this time. 
 
 MRS. D. Try it on again. (He does so, nearly failing.) Be 
 careful. (She sits on floor and gazes at dress.) 
 
 MR. D. (impatiently.) Well! what are you looking at? 
 
 MRS. D. I really don't know what to do with it. It is not 
 right after all. 
 
 MR. D. Why don't you think. Am I to stand here all 
 night like a wax figure ?
 
 148 ONB HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS 
 
 MRS. D. Don't get angry, Alexander, love, I think that a 
 few more pins will fix it. 
 
 MR. D. Well ! put them in then. 
 
 MRS. D. But where ? 
 
 MR. D. How in the name of common sense do I know? 
 While you are meditating I'll look over my paper. (Makes a 
 movement to sit down.) 
 
 MRS. D. Why you can't sit down, you'll spoil everything. 
 
 MR. D. M," dear, this thing weighs a ton ; however, hav 
 your way. {F.^ads paper while Mrs. D. adjusts more pins.} 
 
 MRS. D. Now take it off again. (He does so.) 
 
 MR. D. V?his finishes it, eh ? 
 
 MRS. D. For the moment (seiving) try it on again, dear. 
 
 MR. D. My love, allow me to suggest that this sort of thing 
 is getting monotonous. 
 
 MRS, T). Now I want to pull it so another pin here 
 
 MR.)X Ouch! 
 
 Mw. D. Did I stick you, dear? now another pin there 
 
 MR. D. Ouch ! ! 
 
 MRS. D. I am so sorry, love ! another here 
 
 MR. D. Ouch ! ! ! 
 
 MRS. D. Ah ! it's beginning to take shape ; don't stir, Al- 
 exander ; I've run out of pins. 
 
 MR. D. That's because you have run them all into me. 
 
 MRS. D. (arising.) Do not move until I come back ; I wont 
 be a minute you are holding yourself just right. [Exit. 
 
 MR. D. I am heartily sick of this bargain. I wish that 
 Jack Pimpers and his wife were in Jericho. If Pimpers al- 
 lows his wife to make a "dummy" of him, it's just like that 
 fool. (Beads paper.) 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Plover, back of Mr. D. 
 
 MRS. PLOVER. Oh, there you are ? 
 
 MR. D. (without looking up, supposing it is Mrs. D.) Of coursft 
 f am ; did you expect to find me in the cellar ? 
 
 MR. PLOVER (aside to Mrs. P.). Why, that's Dabbleton him- 
 self ; crazy as a loon, too. 
 
 MRS. P. (dinging to Mr. P.] Oh, Bird ! Bird ! dearest. Is it 
 not ad ? I pity Lila so. 
 
 Mfc. D. (kicking up back of dress; eyes still on paper.') Well? 
 am I ail right, yet ?
 
 NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 14? 
 
 A!R. P. (to Mrs. P.) Right ! he's decidedly wrong in hia 
 I ad, I'm thinking. 
 
 MRS. P. (to Mr. P.) Oh ! Bird, darling ; I pray that you may 
 never, never be so afflicted. 
 
 MR. D. Haven't you got this thing worked out yet? 
 (Discovers Mr. and Mrs. P.) Why why ah! ah! why 
 Backs toward door, kft; falls down, tries to walk, falls and finally 
 crawls out of door, on hands and knees. Mr. and Mrs. P. 
 look on in astonishment. 
 
 MR. P. (shaking head.) He's a hopeless case. 
 
 MRS. P. How can they let him run loose. I would fear 
 that he would hurt some one. (Enter Mrs. D. Looks relieved 
 on not finding Mr. D. present.) Oh, Lila ! 
 
 MRS. D. Oh, Minnie! (They embrace.) And you, Mr. Plov- 
 er when did you come ? 
 
 MRS. P. We have just arrived, and Maggie sent us right up. 
 
 MRS. D. Quite right be seated. (Offers chairs.) And how 
 did you enjoy your trip? 
 
 MRS. P. Oh ! splendidly it was such a love of a trip ; 
 wasn't it, Bird ? 
 
 MR. P. It certainly was, my dear. 
 
 MRS. P. And and how is Mr. Dabbleton? 
 
 MR. P. Is he better? 
 
 MRS. D. Yes, he has only a slight cold. 
 
 MRS. P. (aside to Mr. P.) Bird, she calls it a slight cold. 
 (Aloud.) Does he go out alone ? 
 
 MRS. D. (laughing.) Oh, dear, yes; it is not so serious as that. 
 
 MR. P. What does the doctor say ? 
 
 MRS. D. It is not necessary for a doctor. 
 
 MRS. P. (aside to Mr. P.) Bird, darling ; it isn't necessary 
 for a doctor ! (Aloud.) Do you feel perfectly secure with him ? 
 
 MRS. D. Why, what a question ! I am the happiest wom- 
 an imaginable. I have not a care. Mr. Dabbleton and I mar. 
 ned purely for love. 
 
 M ;s. P. (ande to Mr. P.) Not a care ! for love ! (Aloud.) 
 How long did you notice the symptoms, Lila, dear ? 
 
 MR. P. Yes, Mrs. Dabbleton, were they gradual ? 
 
 MRS. D. Oh, yes! I discovered them long before we were 
 married. (Mr. P. and Mrs. P. exchange glances.) 
 
 MRS. P. And are you reconciled ? 
 
 MRS. D. (aside.) I wonder what she means. (Aloud.) Why,
 
 *48 ONE HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS 
 
 certainly, or I would not have married. Mr. Dabbleton i 
 kindness personified. 
 
 MR. P. Rather eccentric,, though ? 
 
 MRS. D. N-no -of course he has his peculiarities 
 
 Mas. P. (aside to Mr. P.) Bird ! she calls it peculiarities 
 (Aloud ) Do you have an attendant, Lila ? 
 
 MRS. D. Oh ! yes, Maggie. 
 
 **.} Maggie! 
 
 MRS. D. Yes, didn't she let you in ? 
 
 MR. P. But is she able to cope with Mr. Dabbleton ? 
 
 MRS. D. (in astonishment.) It is not necessary. He rarely 
 iiterferes with my servants. 
 
 MR. P. But we mean had you ever an attendant especially 
 for your husband? 
 
 MRS. D. We had one but he left. 
 
 MRS. P. I presume that the strain was too much for him! 
 
 MRS. D. Strain ? He had nothing to do but to wait upon 
 table, blacken Mr. Dabbleton's boots and brush his clothing. 
 
 MRS. P. Those menial acts were beneath him, I suppose? 
 
 MRS. D. Beneath him ? He did not suit so we discharged 
 him, and Maggie fits in very well. 
 
 MRS. P. Why not send him to an asylum? 
 
 MRS. D. Send whom? 
 
 MR. P. Why your husband. 
 
 MRS. P. And have him cured. 
 
 MRS. D. (arising.) My husband an asylum have him 
 cured! Why, Minnie, what do you mean? Mr. Plover, will 
 you explain ? 
 
 MR. P. (arising.) Ah ! Mrs. Dabbleton we respect your 
 endeavors to keep this terrible secret. Believe me, Minnie 
 and myself will never breathe it. We sincerely pity him. 
 
 MRS. P. No ! Lila, rest assured that my lips will be sealed,, 
 good-bye, dear, keep up a brave heart poor poor man. 
 (Aside to Mr. P.) I am just dying to get home and tell mama ! 
 
 MR. P. Good-night, Mrs. Dabbleton ; if you should ever 
 wish my services, command me at any time. [Exit both. 
 
 MRS. D. (aghast.) What does it all mean ? Have they both 
 gone crazy? (Calls.) Alexander! Alexander! where are you? 
 
 Enter Maggie, in much trepidation. 
 MAGGIE. Oh, Mrs. Dabbleton! Mrs. Dabbleton! sure I
 
 NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. liJ 
 
 have that to inforum you, that the pa-ches what you are 
 pre-sar-viug doon stairs air all biling oover and it's makin 
 such a schmell in the kitching that I can't be afther sthand^ 
 >ng it at all, at all ! 
 
 MRS. D. Why in the world didn't you move them, Maggie ? 
 
 MAGGIE. Sure ! an' didn't I be afther thrying to do that 
 mim, whin, bad cess to it, the more I moved thim the more 
 they schkjpped oover and made the schmell worse than iver 
 
 MRS. D. Oh, dear 1 oh, dear ! I will attend to them my* 
 elf (starting). 
 
 MAGGIE. An' sure, Mrs. Dabbleton, I have also to inforurci 
 you, the cat got into the con-sar-va-tor-e and knocked down 
 sax flower-pots and shpilled the contints all oover the flure. 
 
 MRS. D (agitated.) Oh, Maggie, didn't you drive her out? 
 
 MAGGIE. I did that, mum ! But I have furder to inforum 
 you, mum, that before I got the cat out, she knocked down 
 that flower what you call the "Night-Bloomin' see-e-air-e-ux" 
 an' broked off wan av the stims. 
 
 MRS.D. What! My Night-Blooming Cereus? 
 
 MAGGIE. Yis, mim ! the " Night-Bloomin' see-e-air-e-us" 
 Is all broked, mim ! (Door bell rings violently.) 
 
 MRS. D. There, Maggie, quickly attend to the bell ! I will 
 go immediately to the kitchen and then to the conservatory, 
 Do not let any one disturb me for a few minutes. 
 
 MAGGIE. Yis, mim ! I will that, mim ! [Exit in hastt- 
 
 MRS. D. (walking up and down in an agitated manner.) I won- 
 der where poor Alexander is? What with amateur dress- 
 making, and foolish questioning by idiotic married people, 
 my choice flower broken, and the peaches oh, dear! I for- 
 got those peaches again I suppose that they are all ruined 
 by this time. \_Exii hastily* 
 
 Doctor heard without : " Very well, very well, my good girl ! Lei 
 me see him at once." Enter Doctor, followed by Maggie. ** 
 tor advances to front. 
 
 MAGGIK. Sure Docther, the missus is afther being in tha 
 kitching and wants to be excused for siverial minutes ; an 
 n I don't think Misther Dabbleton isat home, at all, at all ! 
 
 DOCTOR (soliloquizing). This is very strange! very stranga 
 indeed. What ! Mr. Dabbleton seized with a sudden attack 
 of insanity ? why ! why ! I wouldn't have believed it. ( Uset 
 handkerchief violently.)
 
 130 ONB HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS 
 
 MAGGIE (in open-eyed astonishment). Sure is that mon goin 
 to have a fit ? If he does he'll be afther shpilin' the furniture. 
 
 DOCTOR (still soliloquizing). Now, it's lucky that 1 happened 
 to meet Bird Plover and his wife, just at this moment. Bird 
 says that they had just been here visiting and that Mr. Dab- 
 bleton was as crazy as a loon ; dresses in his wife's clothing 
 crawls along the floor on all fours like a dog and gives utter 
 ance to strange cries. (Again uses handkerchief.) 
 
 MAGGIE (eyeing doctor closely). I wish that the masther anc* 
 missus was here, for shure that mon is taken mighty bad ! 
 
 DOCTOR. I wonder why Mrs. Dabbleton wishes to conceal 
 her husband's malady and especially from me, her family 
 ohysician? Now, let me see, let me see we'll have him 
 
 aken to a private asylum and 1 wonder if he is violent ! 
 
 Suddenly to Maggie.) 7 say, young woman, is he violent? 
 toes he rave ? are you safe ? when did it happen ? what are 
 ae peculiarities? 
 
 MAGGIE. The saints pre-sarve us ! Be ye crazy, sur ? 
 
 DOCTOR (walking up and down). Do not endeavor to with- 
 hold anything from me, young woman ; I know all about it! 
 
 MAGGIE. Faith, thin, if ye know all about it, what are 
 you afther asking me questions for, sur? 
 
 DOCTOR. Come, come, come, come ! 
 
 MAGGIE (startled). Where will I be afther comin' to? 
 
 DOCTOR. Come to the point, of course. 
 
 MAGGIE. The p'int is it? Sure what p'int shall I come to? 
 
 DOCTOR. Why, in regard to the affliction that has visited 
 tiiis house. Did did he ever strike you ? 
 
 MAGGIE. In sure, who wud sthrike me? 
 
 DOCTOR. Your master, Mr. Dabbleton. 
 
 MAGGIE. Mr. Dabbleton, is it? Indade and what would 
 he be afther sthriking me for? 
 
 DOCTOR. Why, during one of his paroxysms. 
 
 MAGGIE. Paroxysms ; eh ! we don't use paroxysms here 
 We use paregoric if you mean that? 
 
 DOCTOR. No ! no ! no ! you fail to comprehend me still 
 Don't you know that your master is non compos menti* f 
 
 MAGGIK. Non compos mentis. Faith, is that Chinese? 
 
 DOCTOR. Oh, no ! er-er He's suffering from an attack oi 
 dementia. 
 
 MAGGIE. Dementia, is it ? Sure is it catchin', Docther *
 
 NUMBER THIRTY-TWO. 151 
 
 DOCTOR. You don't seem to grasp my meaning yet. In 
 other words his mental balance is slightly out of equilibrium. 
 
 MAGGIE (staring in helpless amazement around the room). E- 
 quil-rib-u-rum ! Faith and if the disease is as bad as the name, 
 lie must be very bad indade. 
 
 DOCTOR. Oh ! ! ! He has bees in his bonnet ; bees in his 
 bonnet, see? 
 
 MAGGIE. Sure an' I don't see ! Misther Dabbleton niver 
 wore a bonnet to my knowledge an' I'm sure that there's 
 niver the sign of a bee around the house as long as I have 
 been employed here. 
 
 DOCTOR. Well ! I've met dumb people in my life, but you 
 you (clapping one hand on the other to emphasize each word) 
 your master's brain has become clouded his mental activ- 
 ity has become warped, so to speak he is the victim of a 
 nightmare, an hallucination. 
 
 MAGGIE. Hallie-Lucy-Nation sure an' I niver heard him 
 speak of any wan by that name about here. 
 
 DOCTOR. Young woman, you certainly are very obtuse. 
 Mr. Dabbleton is insane daft loony simple cranky . 
 mad crazy or anything else you choose to call it. Now do 
 you understand ? 
 
 MAGGIE (alarmed). An' I do that, Docther! now that you've 
 made it so plain. 
 
 DOCTOR. Well then, has he ever run up and down the 
 room ; thrown things about ; torn things ; eh ? 
 
 MAGGIE (eyes open in affright). Faith an' I niver no-ticed 
 anything, Docther, dear. (Mr. Dabbleton heard without catting 
 " Lila ! LUa ! ") Oh, murther ! murther! here he comes now ! 
 
 Doctor and Maggie retreat to farther end of room as Mr. Dabbleton 
 enters. Mr. D. does not see them and is busy plucking off the 
 dress which has been pinned to his own clothing.* Collar and 
 necktie awry. 
 
 MR. D. Lila ! Lila ! I say, Lila ! ( Tears off large handfuli 
 of dress.) Oh (dramatically) ! If I had that Jack Pimpers here, 
 Fd make a foot-ball of his head ! 
 
 MAGGIE (aside, in affright). Oh ! look at that now ! If I could 
 only just put myself outside of this house, I'd niver put fut 
 in it a f rain, snro ! 
 
 'During Mr. Dubbletou's absence from the stage the dress should be removed 
 ind patches of a similar material substituted.
 
 152 ONE HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS 
 
 DOCTOR (behind chair, aside). His case is more desperate 
 than I supposed ! I should have brought help. 
 Mr. Dabbleton is still tearing aviay when he suddenly runs a pin 
 into his hand, and jumps and whoops. 
 
 MAGGIE (aside). Every blissid wan of us will be killed dead 
 with that mon carrying on so ! 
 
 DOCTOR (coming from behind chair). Er-er Mr. Dabbleton. 
 
 MR. D. (looking around, fiercely.) What! you here too? 
 
 DOCTOR (retreating behind chair). Yes! my dear sir; pray 
 be calm ; I will administer an opiate and 
 
 MR. D. Confusion with your opiates ! I didn't send for you! 
 
 MAGGIE (to Doctor). Oh, be careful, Docther, dear ! He 
 might murther both of us ! 
 
 DOCTOR (coming from behind chair). There! there! I know 
 that. Let me feel your pulse ! 
 
 MR. D. What ! (Doctor retreats behind cliair.) you medical 
 fool ! For three pins I'll let you feel my foot. I'm not sick! 
 
 MAGGIE (aside). If he's not sick now, I wouldn't want to 
 be in the room with him when he was. 
 
 DOCTOR (coming from behind chair). Of course, Mr. Dabble- 
 ton, we recognize that you are not sick, but er I had bet- 
 ter give you a prescription ! 
 
 MR. D. (fiercely, and Doctor retreats as before.) Say, man ! I've 
 had enough to try me to-night to to commit a desperate 
 deed and and when you go mixing into affairs that do not 
 concern you, it won't be my fault if you get hurt. 
 
 MAGGIE (aside). Sure it's coming now ! Oh ! if that door- 
 way was only nearer here so that I could get out, I'd make 
 myself scarce mighty fast. (Gradually edges toward door.) 
 
 DOCTOR (coming front). Mr. Dabbleton, I came here merely 
 as a professional man ! If I can do anything that will be oS 
 service to you, command me ! 
 
 MR. D. Now you are talking sensibly. If you will kindlj 
 retire and let me alone I will be greatly obliged. 
 
 DOCTOR. Certainly, sir ! certainly ! but before I go, Mr. 
 Dabbleton, I will leave a prescription with your wife 
 
 MR. D. Didn't I say that I don't want a prescription ! (He 
 follows Doctor around room. Exit Maggie.) What I want ia 
 peace quiet. If I get my hands on you I'll I'll ( Iript 
 and falls. As Mr. D. arises Doctor retreats behind chair.)
 
 HtTMBKR THIRTY-TWO. 15S 
 
 DOCTOR (aside). The only thing that will do him any good 
 is a straight-jacket, (to Mr. D.) My dear sir, if you are adverse 
 to taking medicine I will pursue other treatment ! 
 
 MR. D. (in desperation.) Man, will you or will you not leave 
 this house? 
 
 DOCTOR (coming front). Of course, sir, of course ! but (sooth- 
 ingly) for my sake, my dear friend, just let me give you a 
 uerve tonic ; it will 
 
 MR. D. Nerve tonic ! Nerve tonic ! I'll nerve tonic you 
 if I get hold of you, you idiotic essence of squills! (Chase* 
 Doctor around room, who finally escapes through door-way. Mr. D. 
 tinks into an easy chair exhausted.) Oh, my poor head ! every- 
 body must be crazy 
 
 Mas. D. (entering hurriedly.) Oh, Alexander ! Alexander ! 
 what is all this excitement ? 
 
 MR. D. Excitement ! My dear, when you put me into a 
 private asylum, will you please get me a nice large room and 
 a good kind nurse ? 
 
 MRS. D. What is the matter? what have you done? My 
 dress is ruined ! 
 
 MK. D. (arising hastily.) Matter ! Done ! your dress ruined. 
 Just look at me. Don't you see what a chroino your husband 
 is? I really believe that this outrageous article is pinned to 
 my skin. I've tried all manner of ways to get it off and I 
 can't do it. I was never in such a pickle before in all my 
 life and besides Bird Plover and his wife were here. 
 
 MRS. D. Full well I know it and such an idiotic couple I 
 never saw ; they did nothing but ask impertinent questions 
 and pity you. 
 
 MR. D. Pity me ! ye gods ! well they might, for a man 
 cannot properly maintain his dignity whilst crawling along 
 the floor on his hands and knees, as I did, to get out of their 
 presence. 
 
 MRS. D. Did they see you? 
 
 MR. D. Did they see me ? They certainly did. 
 
 MRS. D. f aside.) Oh ! now I understand Mr. and Mrs. Plov~ 
 er's meaning. 
 
 MR. D. And that isn't all, the Doctor was just here. 
 
 MRS. D. Was that he just running out of the house? 
 
 MB. D. It was he either is crazy or thinks that I am. 
 He and Maggie ran around the room as if playing tag. 
 
 MRS. D. Poor Maggie, she is down in the kitchen sob-
 
 154 OK* HUNDRED CHOICE SELECTIONS 
 
 bing as if her heart would break ; I could not make head 01 
 tail of what she was trying to tell me. 
 
 MR. D. Lila, I feel like a mental and physical wreck. 
 
 MRS. D. You poor, dear, ill-used husband, let me take 
 these these remnants off. 
 
 MR. D. For mercy sake, take them off; Bird and his wife 
 think, no doubt, that I've been off myself. 
 
 MRS. D. Never mind, sweetie ! I will send Minnie a note 
 and explain it (laughing). I know that you must have looked 
 ridiculous but they are sensible people after all and will un- 
 derstand. You can readily smooth matters over with the 
 Doctor ; poor soul, he must have taken you for a raving ma- 
 niac in these rags. (Site removes them.) Come let me arrange 
 your necktie and collar, and here are your slippers, dress- 
 ing-coat and smoking cap. (She gets these articles and he putt 
 them on.) Now, you can eajoy a cigar whilst I 
 
 Maggie suddenly appears in doQr-way with paper bundle, carpet 
 bag and bandbox. Has on bonnet and shawl. 
 
 MAGGIE (interrupting Mrs.D.). Sure Mrs. Dabbleton, I'm that 
 sorry that I could be afther cryin' me eyes out but I've come 
 to give you a week's warnin' and will lave at once. 
 
 MRS.D. Why, Maggie! what is the matter? why are you 
 leaving me ? 
 
 MR. D. Yes! Maggie why do you leave so sudder ly ? 
 
 MAGGIE (dropping bundles, trembling violently, and rolling 
 eyes). Oh ! ah ah indade, mim, ! I-didn't want ^, mim, 
 but but 
 
 MRS. D. But what? you certainly have a reason for leav- 
 ing so abruptly. 
 
 MAGGIE (picking up bundles). I have that, mim, asking youi 
 pardon, mini! It's on account of the masther, mim. 
 
 MR. D. My account ? what do you mean ? 
 
 MAGGIE. Oh oh I I ah ah ! sure sure ! I I 
 
 MRS. D. Why what in the world has Mr. Dabbleton to do 
 with your leaving ? 
 
 MAGGIE (picking up bundles, dropping them again, etc.). Ask- 
 in' your pardon again, mim; the doctor says that Mr. Mr. 
 Dabbleton is crazy, mim, and I have ivery r'ason to believe 
 o meself from peisonal ob-ser-va-tion, mim ! 
 
 MR. D. (fiercely.) Maggie, do you mean to say 
 
 MRS. D. (interrupting him.) Alexander, dear, I understand
 
 NUMBEB THIRTY-TWO. 15ft 
 
 this ! Maggie, listen ! This evening I had occasion to repair 
 my dress ; Mr. Dabbleton consented to let me drape it upon 
 him. Our friends caught him in that predicament and sup- 
 posed he was crazy, because he was dressed up in my clothes. 
 
 MAGGIE. Oh ! no w I understand, mim. That smooth, slick- 
 tongued fellow, with them dic-tion-air-e words, was afther 
 telling me that the masther wore a bonnet and had a bee in 
 it. He also said that the masther was SHSufferin' from a e- 
 quil-rib-u-rum, phwat iver that is. 
 
 MR. D. But, you see, Maggie, it was all a mistake. 
 
 MAGGIE. I see that, Mr. Dabbleton (starting out) I and if 
 I come across that blunderin' docther I'll be afther us- 
 ing the clothes-shtick on him, an' there'll be no mistake 
 about that, sure ! [Exit. 
 
 MRS. D. Now dear, whilst you look over the evening pa- 
 per I will look over this this (holding up dress) 
 
 MR. D. (quickly.) Mrs. Dabbleton, you will oblige me by 
 instantly dropping that dress and sending for Miss Stitchei 
 at once. Besides, I will hand you a check to-morrow morn' 
 ing, to cover the expense of a new gown. 
 
 MRS. D. But Alexander, love, Miss Stitcher and I mighl 
 repair damages and make this look somewhat presentable, 
 for (slyly) you know, " Economy is wealth ! " 
 
 MR. D. Lila, dear ! allow me to correct a stupendous er- 
 ror. Economy may be wealth under certain conditions but 
 when it makes a fool of a man; destroys valuable property 
 and lowers one's dignity, then I say, forcibly, that it's all 
 d d-d d 
 
 MRS. D. (with finger raised.) Be care fuJ .' 
 
 MR. D. (very mildly.) A matter of the veriest nonsense. 
 For (imth increasing warmth, and Mrs. D. nodding approvingly 
 at each sentence), if a man is so rash as to mix himself up in 
 affairs feminine, which said affairs do not concern him and 
 of which he has not the slightest knowledge, then it serves 
 him right if each and every time it makes of him a con-sum- 
 mate 
 
 MRS. D. (interrupting and pointing her finger at Mr. Z>.) 
 Dummy! e-h-h-b ? 
 
 Mr. D. plunges hands into jacket-pockets and looks fierce, ilrt. Jj. 
 laughs heartily as curtain /alls.
 
 Practical Elocution 
 
 By J. W. SHOEMAKER, A. M. 
 
 300 pages 
 Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 
 
 This work is the outgrowth of 
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 Sold by all booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon re- 
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 PRINCIPALS
 
 A 000577533