VARIETY: 
 
 COLLECTION OF ESSAYS. 
 
 [PRICE THREE SHILLINGS AMD SIXPENCE.]
 
 VARIETY: 
 
 COLLECTION OF ESSAYS. 
 
 WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1787. 
 
 Turn ut Varietas occurreret Satietati. 
 
 Cic. ORAT, 
 
 Nullius addi&us jurare in verba magiftri. 
 
 HORAT. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 JPR1NTED FOR T. CAOELL, IN THE STRAND. 
 M DCC LXXXVIII.
 
 PREFATORY 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 THE following Eflays were intend- 
 ed to have appeared periodically* 
 but, on confulting their Publifher, the 
 Authors, who are little verfed in the art 
 andmyjlery of Book-makwgjWere informed 
 that the times were fo much altered 
 fince the WORLD and CONNOISSEUR made 
 their appearance weekly, about 30 years 
 ago, that any attempt to revive fuch 
 mode of publications mud now prove 
 unfuccefsful, fince every EfTay would 
 be hafh'd, or minc'd, if not ferved up 
 a 3 entir^ 
 
 882781
 
 vi PREFATORY 
 
 entire, in the daily papers like a Mainte- 
 non Cutlet, as the MIRROR and LOUN- 
 GER have been cut out into Scotch col- 
 lops : He therefore advifed, either that 
 the whole (lock of provifion fhould be 
 fet before the public at once, or tofled 
 into the kitchen fire all together. 
 
 ON this, the feveral authors hefitated 
 a little, modeftly luppofing; that fome 
 of the papers might perifh without in- 
 jury to mankind; but each individual 
 could difcern fo much merit in certain 
 Efifays, ;'. e. of his own, that confcience 
 would not permit him to deprive the 
 publick of fo delicious an entertain- 
 ment : Thus, at a time when it is the 
 fafhion to print Tragedies intended to have 
 been afled, and Speeches intended to have 
 been fpoken, they have refolved to print 
 thefe Periodical Papers intended to have 
 
 been pubhjhed WEEKLY. 
 
 ALL
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. vii 
 
 ALL writers are fond of allufions to 
 good eating, (perhaps becaufe they fre- 
 quently confider a good dinner as the 
 Jummum bonum of all happinefs ; or, per- 
 haps, becaufe men generally think mod 
 of that which they moft feldom enjoy) 
 however this may be, the hackneyed 
 culinary fimile muft ftill be ufed to 
 give fome further account of this little 
 volume. 
 
 THE entertainment of which you are 
 invited to partake (paying 35. 6d. for 
 your ticket) is neither a plain family din- 
 ner , nor a Jplendid city feajl, but rather 
 what the French call un petit fottpe, con- 
 fiding of VARIETY of difhes, chiefly 
 light and eafy of digeftion : Ihould 
 there indeed be fome, compofed of more 
 folid materials 3 the ham and beef are 
 fcraped delicately, or cut in very thin 
 flices to this repaft all are welcome, 
 
 except
 
 viii P R E F A T O R Y, &c. 
 
 except thofe profefied Authors, who 
 fancy they keep a better table at home, 
 and thofe proftfled criticks who go 
 abroad only to find fault, 
 
 THE invitation cannot be better 
 worded than in three lines of the Pro- 
 logue to Congreve's Love for Love. 
 
 " We hope there's fomething that may pleafe 
 
 each tafte, 
 
 And, tho' of homely fare we mak'e the feaft, 
 " Yet you will find VARIETY at leafL" 
 
 
 CON-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 I. Introdu&ion. Some account of 
 
 the Authors, - Page i 
 
 II. Comments on the Work. Apo- 
 
 logy, - 9 
 
 III. The Hiftory of HOPE and EX- 
 
 PECTATION, a Vifion. 17 
 
 IV. Reafon and the Paflions. Cha- 
 
 racters of two Brothers, - - 25 
 
 V. Arguments againft VARIETY, and 
 
 an Appeal to it, - - 33 
 
 VI. Hap-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 (~^j No. VI. Happinefs confifts in the Purfuit. 
 Fifhing and Shooting, Page 
 
 VII. Advantages and Evils of Sunday 
 Schools confidered, 
 
 VIII. Continued, 
 
 IX. The Purpofe of the Sabbath mif- 
 
 taken and perverted, 
 
 X. On appearing what we neither are, 
 
 nor wifh to be, 
 
 XI. Defence of Punning attempted, 
 
 with Examples, 
 
 XII. Gratitude and Ingratitude. 
 Character of Eucharis, - 
 
 XIII. Mifery in Life not more pre- 
 valent than Happinefs, - - j 
 
 XIV. The Subjed continued. VE- 
 
 ONATOR'S Dream, - j 
 
 XV. The Hiftory of TAREMPOU and 
 
 SERINDA, - u8 
 
 XVI. Continued, - 130 
 
 XVII. The DEITY incomprehenfible 
 
 by human Reafon, - - 131 
 
 XVIII. On what is Diflipation, - 14 
 
 XIX. Remarks on Falhions, from an 
 Old Maid, ^ 15 
 
 XX. The Subject continued. A 
 
 Letter from a Young one, - 16 
 
 XXI. Out-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 XXI. Outline of a Poem on the De- 
 cline of Dramatic Tafte, Page 173 
 
 XXII. The Diftreffes of a modeft Man, 186 
 
 XXIII. On cheating, and being 
 cheated, . . ! 97 
 
 XXIV. Allegorical Letter from SA- 
 TURDAY, &c. - - 205 
 
 XXV. On the CLARISSA of RICHARD- 
 SON, and FIELDING'S TOM 
 JONES, 213 
 
 XXVI. Continued, - . 222 
 
 XXVII. Petition from the learned 
 GOOSE and the learned PIG, - 233 
 
 XXVIII. Young BOTTOM'S Letter, 
 with Epigrams, - - 243 
 
 XXIX. Voyage to the Moon, in a 
 Balloon, - . 252 
 
 XXX. The FRIAR and his DOG, a 
 Tale, 26l 
 
 XXXI. The fame continued, - - 271 
 
 XXXII. The fame concluded, - - 279 
 'XXXIII. The laft Paper of the firft 
 
 Volume, - . 287 
 
 V A-
 
 VARIETY. 
 
 NUMBER I. 
 
 T A M going to tell you a ftory thatwlll 
 J^ make you all laugh." Who has not 
 heard of George Alexander Steevens f 
 A man of excellent humour, and vvhofe 
 wit and mimickry has often kept an audi- 
 ence in continual laughter. He declared 
 that the manner in which I have begun this 
 E%, is the moft impolitic of all poffible 
 ways of beginning to tell a ftory. And yet 
 many will confider the title prefixed to my 
 paper in the fame light, and conftrue it into 
 an engagement of more than I (hall be able 
 to perform, or at leaft predict a fpeedy termi- 
 nation to my labours. For who can promife
 
 <j V A R I E T Y. No. i. 
 
 to fupplyTARiETY long in thefe faftidious 
 times ? Readers of every denomination will 
 fneer at fo bold a title, and I already antici- 
 pate the contemptuous'exclamationof fome 
 iurly critick, who, taking up this paper, per- 
 haps will cry out, " VARIETY ! And who 
 * dares hope to furnifh this in the beaten track 
 " of periodical eflay-writing ? Has not 
 *' the SPECTATOR told us all he faw ? The 
 TATLER all he heard ? The GUARDIAN 
 " all he thought? The CONNOISSEUR all he 
 *' knew? And' the- ADVENTURER all he met 
 with ? Has not Fitzadam, full thirty years 
 ago, faid all the witty things that could be 
 " faid in the WORLD? Nay, farther, has not 
 * the mighty RAMBLER, with folid argu- 
 * ments and nervous ftile, compleatly filled 
 " the meafure of Variety, by leaving no- 
 ' thing new to fay ?" But here I muft ftop 
 my critic, by obferving that it is Variety I 
 promife, and not Novelty : for one Solomon, 
 a very learned Eflay-writer among the Jews, 
 declared about two thoufand years ago, 
 that, " there was nothing new under the 
 fun," By which I fuppofe he meant, 
 that lunaticks, or thofe under the moon, are 
 the only people who can hope to find novel- 
 ty f Since men with found underftandings, 
 
 improved
 
 No. i. V A R I E T Y. 3 
 
 improved by experience, and cultivated by 
 much reading, will perceive a famenefs in 
 the writers of every age, and laugh at all 
 attempts to produce even an Efla.y or an 
 Apothegm, which has not before been ferved 
 up to the public. 
 
 Moft of my predeceflbrs have given fome 
 account of themfelves and their defign in 
 their firft Eflay, and therefore, f6r Variety's 
 falte, I ought to leave you in the dark with re- 
 fpeft to both. I will not difappoint you, but 
 in compliance with cuftom and my reader's 
 curiofity, my firft number (hall give fome 
 account of the firft perfon in my good 
 opinion ; for to adopt a familiar phrafe, ' 
 '* who is it that does not think well of num- 
 *' ber one ?" Know then, all ye, who pant 
 for a new acquaintance, that the author of 
 VARIETY is a gentleman, that he is called 
 WALTER WEATHERCOCK, Efq; of a very 
 refpectable family in the county of - . , in 
 his fortune he is comfortably eafy, rather 
 than fplendidly affluent, too rich to be a 
 rafcal from neceffity, too poor to become 
 one from ambition, and too honeft to allow 
 any plea fufficient for being one at all : 
 an early thirft for Variety, induced him 
 by travel to add a knowledge of modern laws 
 B 2 and
 
 4 V A R I E T Y. No. i. 
 
 and manners, to thole of the ancients, which 
 he had learnt in the public fchoolsj his read- 
 ing has been general, and in many different 
 languages, for though he is neither able to 
 conftrue the Alkoran, nor to hold a conver- 
 fation in Cherokee; he has had French 
 frizzed into his head with marechal pow- 
 der i Italian flips off his tongue like maca- 
 roni ; and he has taken in the high German 
 Gutterals with the old Hock of the country ; 
 as to Latin and Gmk they were early driven 
 into him by the ufual channels j for thefe be- 
 ing fundamental to all other learning, and 
 yet having a natural tendency lo tife. It has 
 always been the cuftom at public fchools, to 
 inftill the dead languages into a part where no 
 living tongue ever exifts, and as far as pofii- 
 ble from the feat of the mother tongue ; and 
 yet notwithstanding this wife precaution, 'tis 
 wonderful with what alacrity they mount 
 from thtttil *o the h ad and overpower every 
 other fpecies of learning. This is vifible 
 from the fchool-boy, who. quotes fcraps of 
 Latin ia the holiday?, to the profound 
 claffic, who defpiles every thing that is 
 not Greek. The author's companions are 
 men of faftiion, arid men of plea Cure, men of 
 feeling, and meu of literature, men, ot bufi- 
 
 ncfs, 

 
 No. i. V A R I E T Y. 5 
 
 nefs, and women of every tfefcription ; but as 
 an ardent love of Variety wilt riot permit 
 men or books to fill up all the vacuitits 
 of a reftlefs aftivemind, unoccupied by daily 
 employment j he can jf /<//? with the muficiah, 
 Jketch with the painter, and play a rubber 
 or drink a bottle with thofe who can do nothing 
 elfe. In fhort, he is not afhamed to mix with 
 folly where 'tis innocent, nor afraid to join 
 the world where 'tis not dishonourable j al- 
 ways preferring mirth to fadnefs, and con- 
 vinced that one day of cheerfulnefs is better 
 than a whole month of farrow. He divides 
 his time betwixt the town and country, feek- 
 ing Variety in the court, and in the cot- 
 tage j yet often finding famenefs of buftle, in 
 the mafquerade, or the village fair; and 
 famenefs of folitude in the retired coverts of a 
 foreft, or the fnug corner of a box in a 
 public coffee-room. Having thus introduced 
 myfelf inthe third perfon, (which by the bye, 
 is a modfeft Satiety of egotifm) you will fan- 
 fcy you know me whenever we meet, and will 
 pronounce a famenefs in my ftile, but do hoi 
 rifque your judgment too haftily, for I fhall 
 t>ften give you as my own, the thoughts of 
 perfons, more lively, or more learned than, 
 myfelf, who have agreed to join their powers 
 B 3 in>
 
 6 V A R I E T Y. No. i. 
 
 in the arduous tafk of furnifhing Variety, a 
 tafk in which no individual, however verfa- 
 tile his abilities, or defultory his purfuits, 
 can long hope to engage the world's attention. 
 I am fingled out like the youngeft council 
 from amongft a very able groupe, to open the 
 defign of this new periodical publication, and 
 to become the Editor. In this charaaer, I am 
 inftrucled by my brief to fay, that I fh all not 
 only follow the example of my predeceflbrs, 
 in publifhing fuch Eflays as I think deferve 
 -attention, but I willftill go farther; I will 
 follicit the correfpondence of all fuch as fancy 
 their own productions do deferve it, and fliould 
 the partiality of the parent at any time exceed 
 the merits of his offspring, the bantling 
 ihall not be fmothered in contemptuous 
 filence, or the fond father's hopes be blafted 
 by malicious criticifm. But each objecti- 
 onable Efiay, fhall be noticed or returned, 
 with reafons for its non-appearance, dictated 
 by candour, and delivered with . tender- 
 jiefs. Under fuch regulations, this paper 
 may become the fofter-mother of early genius, 
 and the nurfe of bafhful merit, where thofe 
 who have much kifure may convey their own 
 thoughts to the public in their own man- 
 ner, and thofe who have little leifure may fee 
 
 their
 
 No. i. VARIETY. 7 
 
 their flighteft hints noticed, enlarged, digeft- 
 ed, or improved. 
 
 Should this invitation call forth all the 
 latent aid that hope fuggefts, Variety will not 
 appear too promifing a title for a work, 
 Where fobjects of every defeription (hall find 
 a place, but it may be neceffiary to obferve, 
 that although allufions to religion and politics 
 may be occafionally admifiible, yet fhould 
 whole Eflays on thofe fubjects be frequently 
 inferted, all Variety would foon be loft in the 
 feuds of party, or the difputations of contro- 
 verfial jargon ; befides, they are matters fo ge- 
 nerally understood, and fo perfectly adapted to 
 the meaneft capacity, that every attempt 
 to throw light, or produce Variety on thefe 
 fubjects, would be prefumptuous and un- 
 iivterefting. 
 
 As it is common with a Tranflator toextoll 
 the merits of his original, and of an Hiftoriaa, 
 or Biographer to intereft us in the character of 
 his hero, fo I hope the Effayift may be al*' 
 lowed to magnify the importance of his title, 
 which I (hall do by this formal addrefs; and 
 firft to the ladies, whom I hope very little 
 is neceflary to convince how delightful is 
 Vaiidy. Should any dull beau endeavour to- 
 depreciate its merits in your eyes, reflect oa 
 B 4 the
 
 8 VARIETY. No. i. 
 
 the burthen of an old fong, which fays, 
 " Variety is charming," and be upon your 
 guard againft the defigns of the man who has 
 not honefty to confefs it. To gentlemen, (by 
 which title is now underftood all who can 
 read) I fhall in few words obferve of Variety, 
 that it is inexhauftible, indefcribable, and 
 all comprehenfive, that it pervades all nature 
 is vifibie in every fpecies of created beings, 
 and the great fource of felicity to all rational 
 ones, (nay I think I could prove on fome fu- 
 ture occafion, what at firft view may ap- 
 pear paradoxical) that in a felicitous demand for 
 Variety ) confijis the chief and almoft only dijiinc- 
 tian betwixt men and brutes. And now, who 
 that can afford to pay two pence a week, will 
 jiot afTert the dignity of his nature, by contri- 
 buting to increafe the demand for Variety ? 
 
 The reader will perceive, that this paper, as well as 
 thofe which follow, have not been altered, in confe- 
 quencc of their being published all together. 
 
 NUMBER
 
 2. V A R I E T Y. 
 
 NUMBER II. 
 
 TO fay, " that the chief and almsjl only dtf* 
 44 tinEllon betwixt Alan and Brute ^ con- 
 ** fifts In a felicitous demand for VARIETY," 
 appears fobold an aflertion, that I can readily 
 conceive the effect it has on various clafles of 
 my readers ; poflibly in defcribing their feve- 
 ral comments, I may afford fome amufement; 
 as for injlruftion) even vanity will not let me 
 hope, that my feeble efforts can contribute 
 to enlarge the ideas of this enlightened 
 a^e. Formerly, indeed, inftrucYion and 
 an>ufement went hand in hand. 
 
 " Urilt Dulci. Letforem deletiando, pariterquf 
 *' raonendo." 
 
 But now, inftrudion is ufelefs; we know 
 every thing by intuition ; a phifiognomift will 
 read a character in an eye- brow > and a crj- 
 tick is acq-uainted with all the fubjc6l of 
 a book, from a title pagt; bUl (hould idlenefs- 
 B 5 ot
 
 10 VARIETY. No. 2. 
 
 or curiofity tempt hirn to read the preface, he 
 becomes fo well acquainted with an author's 
 ftiie and defign, that he can write a critique on 
 his work without cutting open the leaves. 1 
 ihall proceed, therefore, to deliver the va- 
 rious opinions of my readers on the paradox 
 which finifhes my firft Number. The 
 Logician perceives a want of precifion in my 
 poftulatum; and lays down the paper with 
 .contempt, as too trifling for his confideration. 
 The Lawyer catches at the word almojl ; con- 
 fiders it as a loophole for the author to creep 
 out, and forefees the matter will never come 
 to an iflue, but will be fhuffled off by a nolo 
 profequi. The Divine predicts herefy and 
 fcepticifm in every word, and trembles for 
 the foul of man which feems in danger 
 of being loft in VARIETY. The Politician 
 cannot perceive how VARIETY can be made 
 the vehicle of his purfuits, when confolidation 
 of cuftoms, fimplifying the revenues, and 
 aggregating the funds, feem to hold fortli 
 no hope of change ; and the only fymptom of 
 VARIETY, or mutation, has been a commuta- 
 tion of taxes, changing dJTight for a diih 
 of tea. There is a clafs of readers, by far 
 the moft numerous, who belong to no pro- 
 feffion, efpoufe no party, form no conjectures, 
 
 and
 
 No. 2. V A R I E T Y. rr 
 
 and deliver no opinions : in fhort, thofe idle, 
 lounging, infipid beings, who having learned 
 to read, but not to employ themfelves, 
 will occafionally kill time, by fauntering 
 through a paper, without knowing on what 
 it treats': the quantity only is what thefe 
 men regard : they take up a paper, becaufe it 
 appears (hort j and if they ever utter any 
 thing at all about it, it is a complaint, 
 that it was not longer ; becaufe having finiflv- 
 ed reading it, they are at a lofs what to 
 do next : for the ufe and convenience of fuch 
 readers, I have defired my printer to leav-e 
 a broad margin ; that fliould the implements 
 of writing chance to be within reach, 
 they may divert themfelves with fcrawling 
 odd figures, or trying a pen ; that fo, the 
 band may be employed while the bead is 
 vacant. I have now to defcribe the fea- 
 timents of my female readers ; and yet,. 
 J doubt in the multitude of their avocations, 
 few have had leifure to read more than 
 the title j but fliould the captivating ap- 
 pearance of VARIETY, have induced any 
 one to read a page, while Monfieur Toupee is 
 putting her fweet trefles in papillots,. I fear 
 {he may have been retailing my paper to him 
 during the operation; and that his demand 
 B 5 for
 
 ia V A R I E T Y. No. 2. 
 
 for Variety in Jhreds, will have confumed 
 the whole, before his miftrefs has come to the 
 final paragraph ; for her ufe, therefore, I be- 
 gin this number by the aflertion with which 
 1 concluded my laft ; and I think I perceive 
 her ftruck with the juftnefs of the remark, 
 and repeating thefe words : " Variety ! in- 
 ** deed ! and is that the only diftin&ion 
 ** betwixt Men and Brutes ? Upon my 
 " word, I'm half inclined to think, there's 
 * c no diftin&ion at all ; or certainly, if there 
 ** be any, this author is right, it muft be in 
 " proportion to their ability of furnifhing us 
 " with dear Variety." There is another fort 
 of readers, vvhofe comments claim fome no- 
 tice, although they may not deferve any : 
 thefe are the cavillers ; the jaundice eyed 
 fault-finders : in fhort, prating critics of every 
 dpfcription, whether from profeffion, from 
 idlenefs, from vanity, or from malice; who, 
 like the infefts on our peach trees, eagerly fix 
 on the firft leaf they perceive, fhrivel up it* 
 fwrface, deform it's beauties, and blaft the 
 hope of future fruit. 1 will anticipate the 
 malice of thefe fell-deftroyers, by putting 
 words into their mouths. Let one fay, " the 
 4 work is beneath all critici'fm ;" another, 
 that '** it abounds with fo much abfurdity, he 
 
 ** knows
 
 .No. 2. V A R I E T Y. 13 
 
 44 knows not where to begin the attack ;" 
 a third, yawning, may folemnly pronounce the 
 fimple word, "dull;" a fourth, condefcend- 
 ing to be more particular* may declare, that 
 " it attempts wit without oceafion, and hu- 
 " mour without effect j" a fifth ftUl more 
 particular, very confequentially obferves, 
 " that the ftile is incorrect ; the manner 
 " affected > the matter uninterefting, and 
 " the fubjecls will be trite." To all this I 
 have but one anfwer : Gentlemen ! if you 
 don't like one number, take another; for 
 every one (hall contain Variety. 
 
 IT was an obfervation of Pliny the elder, 
 "*' that he never read a book from which he 
 " could not derive fome advantage ;" fo pof- 
 fibly the following anecdote of myfelf, anJ 
 four of my countrymen, may be of ufe to the 
 extenfive clafs of cavillers. We fat out toge- 
 ther from Hamburg, to crofs the comfortlefs 
 and dreary fands of Weftphalia. During the 
 ririt day's journey, each indulged the right of 
 complaining, with all the virulence of Eng- 
 lifh prejudice, heightened by the inconveni- 
 enciesof travelling through a foreign country. 
 The roads were villainous; the horfes raf- 
 cally; the carriage infamous; and, having 
 expended a41 huma^n epithets of reproach oi 
 
 thefe
 
 1 4 V A R I E T V. No. 2; 
 
 thefe, the drivers and innkeepers, were irifer- 
 nal and diabolical. In ftiort, Ib compleatly 
 .were we diflatisfied, deranged, and out of hu- 
 rnour with every thing .we faw in the day, 
 .that our evening was fretful, quarrelfome, 
 and tedious amongft ourfelves, till it was 
 fortunately propofed by one of the company, 
 to try an experiment the following day ; 
 which was fimply this : that every one fhould 
 affect to be moft pleafed, when he was really 
 >mofldifgufted ; and that no one fhould utter 
 a complaint under the penalty of defraying 
 the day's expences. We all readily confented,, 
 though poffibly from various motives; fome 
 impelled by the hope of catching their com- 
 panions tripping ; and others, (like myfelf) 
 hoping it might afford Variety, by changing 
 ufelefs complaints, .to ironical panegyric. 
 Full of this in-tended reformation, we rofe 
 early next morning; the fun fhone brightly 
 on our defign, and added ftrength to our re- 
 folutions : (elfe, being all Englifhmen, a 
 cloudy day might have deftroyed the whole 
 plan) the fandy roads became turnpikes j the 
 horfes, Englifh hungers ; the poft-waggon, 
 a landau ; and the dreary plains, a fertile 
 country; every thing was commended hyper- 
 bojically ; till even execrable bacon, and half 
 
 hatch'd
 
 No. 2. VARIETY. 15 
 
 hatch'd eggs, were recommended as Weft- 
 phalia ham, and early fpring chickens: J>y 
 being thus gradually accuftomed to be plea- 
 fant under difficulties, and laugh athardfhips 
 'inftead of complaining, we became fatisfied 
 with our accommodations, and in good hu- 
 mour with ourfelves, and one another. In- 
 detd, fo much reafon had I to be pleafed with 
 'its effect, that I determined, as far as poffible, 
 to follow the fame chearful habit in my jour- 
 ney through life j and, when difappoint- 
 ment, or misfortune, have attempted to aflail 
 me, I can fmile at their attack, and call them, 
 bleffings. To the good natured man, my 
 ftory will need no application ; and, if the 
 fullen critic finds enjoyment, in complaining 
 that my work is dull, I cannot help it, at leaft 
 it will afford me Variety in the means of giv- 
 ing delight. Tq>leafe all, by every Effay, is 
 impoffible j but to amufe fome, by every at- 
 tempt, is probable j and therefore, the attempt 
 is laudable. 
 
 P. S. While thefe papers appeared fepapately, the 
 occafional criticifms might aptly be compared to blights 
 or infects attacking the early leaves; but being now 
 grown up into a volume, they are become expofed to 
 more lafting comments, from criticks of a higher order. 
 REVIEWERS may be confidered as nurfery-men and 
 
 gardeners.
 
 16 V A R I E T V. No. 2. 
 
 gardeners, who, though they fometimes haftily deftroy a 
 harmlefs flower in their monthly labours, to root out 
 noxious weeds.; yet, often by tranfplanting cuttings to 
 their eftablimed garden, they have preferved and reared 
 a fickly plant ; or one, whole diminutive growth, 
 without fuch afTiftance, could not have made its way 
 in the prolific crouded Toil of literature. If, from this 
 little flirub, thefe Gardeners can felecl a nofegay, they 
 are welcome; but let them not gather only faded 
 flowers, and withered leaves, to (hew the tree is barren ; 
 nor cut a fwitch, to flog the authors, and fay, there 
 is not a fmgle flioot to make a decent riding ftick for 
 Amufementj or on which Morality may, walking, leal* 
 with fafety, 
 
 N U M-
 
 No. 3. VARIETY. 
 
 NUMBER III. 
 
 AF E W nights ago, after coining from 
 the Theatre, where a new piece had 
 proved unfuccefsful ; or, in the common 
 phrafe, had been 'damned by the town, I 
 could not help reflecting on the mortifi- 
 cation which its author muft that night feel ; 
 and this naturally leading me to recall theoc- 
 cafional difappointments I v had myfelf experi- 
 enced, my activity became graduallyopprefled, 
 and I infenfibly funk into a trance, which fo 
 engrofled my mind, that at this moment I 
 can fcarce determine, whether I was awake 
 or not. The vifion was too much connected 
 "to appear a dream, and I have not fufficient 
 faith in modern miracles, to think I was 
 awake. My candles gradually loft their 
 brightnefs, and at len'gth caft fo faint a 
 gleam, that I could hardly diftinguifh what 
 I am about to tell. But, methought, an airy 
 
 phantom
 
 ,i VARIETY. No. 3. 
 
 phantom flood before me, her veft was un- 
 like in fabrick, fhape or colour, to any thing 
 on earth j her flowing robe was of the moft 
 perfecT white ;"a lofty plume of feathers graced 
 her head j her face was covered by a veil, 
 through which it only half appeared; and 
 in her -hand ftie held a parchment book. 
 While I was gazing with terror and furprize, 
 and hefitated whether it portended good 
 or evil, the heavenly form addreffed me 
 'thus : 4t Fear nothing ; behold ! before thce 
 " ftands the parent of invention, and the 
 " celeftial patron of Variety ; my name is 
 *' FANCY ; I am fent by that power at 
 c< whofe command I fill the foul of genius, 
 " to reveal to thee, the facred book of myftic 
 " Allegory^ from whence thou art permit- 
 " ted to tranfcribe that page which tells the 
 " kijlory <?/"HopE ^/^EXPECTATION; quickly 
 *' perform the tafk which thou art fet, and 
 6{ fail not to employ the lucky moment 
 " which FANCY recommends, to furniflimore 
 "" Variety" So faying, {he laid the book 
 upon my defk and vanifhed j while I affidu- 
 oufly fat down and copied from the open 
 page as follo^f^. "HoPE is the favourite fon 
 " of heavenly benevolence^ whofe charms none 
 ** that fee them can reiift, and the brightnefs 
 
 "of
 
 .No. 3. ..VARIETY. ig 
 
 " of whofe countenance can cheer the 
 " gloomy-horrors of a dungeon with a fmile j 
 " to him was given from .the foundation 
 *' of the world a fpoufe unlike himfelf, her 
 
 .-" name was FEAR, the daughter of GUILT. 
 " Why beauty became thus coupled with 
 " deformity, prefume not to enquire, nor 
 
 ." dare to fcan the purpofes of everlafting 
 " wifdom, or meafure its refolves by the con- 
 
 ,*' tracked fcale of human underftanding, bttt 
 " what thou feeft written, let thy pen with 
 
 " faithfulnefs record. Jointly to HOPE and 
 
 '*' FEAR was given dominion over all man- 
 " kind, and from their hateful union fprang 
 
 :** two fickly children; DOUBT, which totter- 
 
 ." ed as he walked by HOPE, and ANXIETY, 
 
 '* trembling by the fide of FEAR. Mutual dif- 
 " guft foon rendered it impoflible for HOPE 
 
 '' and FEAR to dwell together, and at length 
 *' in pity to the excellence of HOPE, a fepa- 
 
 -" ration from his fpoufe was granted by the 
 " Fates, and their dominion over mortats 
 
 '" was divided and alternate. The bonds of 
 " this detefted marriage being cancelled, 
 '* licence was given to HOPE, to feek another 
 
 !<c bride, that he might re-prowfce his virtues 
 
 '' with his fpecies. HOPE then became at- 
 *' tachdd to PROBABILITY, a fimple maid, 
 
 " whofe
 
 20 VARIETY. No. 3. 
 
 '* whofe willing manner tempted his acl- 
 ' drefles. She was eafy of accefs, and the 
 '* light veil which covered all her charms, 
 *' became tranfparent to the glowing eye 
 " of HOPE, his amorous foul kindled with 
 * 4 fond defire, and from their warm em- 
 ** braces fprang a daughter named SUCCESS, 
 *' who foon became the darling of her father, 
 " and he affigned for her attendants, Jay and 
 " Happinefs. PROBABILITY had an only fitter, 
 '* who refembled her in every grace and fea- 
 " ture, her name was POSSIBILITY ; indeed 
 " thelikenefs was fo ftrong, that even HOPE 
 ** himfelf would not always have been able 
 *' to diftinguifli them afunder, but for the 
 " armour of Difficulty, which was the 
 ** conftant garb of POSSIBILITY. HOPE, ever 
 " eager in his temper, one evening difcover- 
 '* ed this fifler of his new-made fpoufe, naked 
 ** and alone ; he ruflied towards her with ar- 
 " dor not to be repreffed, miftook her perfon^ 
 " and fhe, uncloatked and defenceless^ yielded to 
 ct his embrace. HOPE was too fervent to dif- 
 4< cern, that inftead of PROBABILITY, he had 
 *' taken to his arms bare POSSIBILITY. From 
 " this inceftuous miftake, two fifter twins 
 ." were born, but fo unlike each other that 
 " k was fcarcely credible fuch difFerent 
 
 *' children
 
 No. 3. VARIETY. 21 
 
 " children could have proceeded from one 
 *' fource ; the elder of thefe two, from fome 
 <{ refemblance to her father, they called Ex- 
 it PECTATION ; her infancy was highly pro- 
 " mifing, and as fhe grew up, her natural 
 " impetuofity of temper, was checked by Pa- 
 " tience^ and her legitimate brothers DOUBT 
 " and ANXIETY, having become her chief 
 tc companions, (he was notaftrangertoherfa- 
 " ther's former wife; thus FEAR was at times 
 ** admitted, tho' (he never was a friend. 
 *' The other twin was called DISAPPOINT- 
 * MEN T, an execrable wretch, the curfe of all 
 ** who knew her, ugly and deformed in per- 
 * c fon, and loathfome in her manners; her fa- 
 ** ther flckened when he looked upon her, 
 *' and her fifter trembled at her bare ap- 
 * proach, fhe knew neither Joy nor Hap- 
 ** pinefs) but was the fworn ally of Mifery 
 *' and Grief \ with all their cur fed attendants 
 **- of woe and farrow, angivjh and regret^ and 
 *' bitterwfi of thought. With thefe fhe would 
 ** folace In cups of envy^ or ftupify her fenfes 
 * with the waters of defpair, (he was fliunned 
 " by all the world except her father, who 
 '* would fometimes ftrive, though often in 
 <{ vain, to draw her from this melancholy 
 -*' crew, yet flje.ieldom liftcned to the call of 
 
 HOPE.
 
 24 VARIETY. No. 3. 
 
 <l HOPE. She hated all the favourites of 
 ** SUCCESS, and often dared to break upon her 
 "'fitter's flumbers, and difturb the pleafing 
 *' <3reams of EXPECTATION, and though fhe 
 <c knew her fifter dreaded her purfuit, fhe ne- 
 ** ver ceafed to perfecute and follow her: when 
 <c EXPECTATION promifed to her votaries the ' 
 " Irniling patronage of well deferved Suc- 
 " CESS, fhe would fnatch them from his power 
 '* and fpread her baneful influence round 
 *' them, till befet by her aflbciates Grief and 
 " Vcxathn^ they would drink with her the ' 
 '* maddening waters of Dcfpair. A draught of 
 ** this will chill the fpirit of exertion, and 
 " thofe who tafte it become the fervants of 
 * NEGLECT, a powerful hag, whofe dark and 
 
 " difmal cave is ." 
 
 I had tranfcribed fo far, and was about td 
 ttirn over the following page, when FANCY 
 again appeared, and holding back my hand, 
 fhe faid, Stop there ! proceed no farther, Vav 
 " riety muft not look forward to Neglefl^ it is k 
 4t enough for thee that thou art not a Granger 
 " to the power of Difappointment. Write, 
 " therefore, to the fons of men, tell them, 
 " that none can know the pleafures of Succefs 9 
 " who have not been firft led by Expectation; 
 M yet let them beware how far they truft her 
 
 ' fpecious
 
 INo. 3. V A R I E T Y. 23 
 
 " fpecious promifes, let them notprefumeon 
 " the fupport of Merit, Induftry, or Good In- ' 
 " tentions^oT thefe cannot defend againft the 
 " wiles of DiJ "appointment, ever watching to 
 " betray the votaries of her fitter to Grief 
 " and four Vexation. From the cruel gripe 
 " of thefe, Hope may yet deliver them, 
 "but after men become familiar with their 
 " dull fociety,and tafte the waters of Defpair,' 
 " HOPE can no longer fave, and they are loft' 
 " for ever to the world and to themfelves." 
 So faying, FANCY vanifhed, not on a fudden as 
 before, but gradually diminifhed in my fight, 
 the fnowy whitenefs of her robe became 
 tranfparent, and folds that loofely waved in 
 the wind became a hollow mafs of chryiral, 
 through which I faw her wonderous form dif- 
 folve into a fluid, changing its colour like the 
 rays of light; firft it appeared like blood, then 
 melted into liquid gold, then 'twas an 
 emerald diflblved, from green it changed to 
 blue, from blue to purple, and at length it 
 deepened to a perfed black, the lofty plumes 
 were feathers ftill, but they no longer nodded 
 on the phantom's head, their ftems were 
 dipped into the fluid, and the whole at length 
 affumed the well known fhape of imple- 
 wnts for writing. When I was recovered 
 
 from
 
 24 V A R I E T Y. No. 3 > 
 
 from the confternation into which this gra- 
 dual metamorphofis had thrown me, I looked 
 for the volume whence I had tranfcribed the 
 fciftory of HOPE and EXPECTATION ; but be- 
 hold, inftead of it there lay open before me a 
 little printed book, I think it was a volume 
 of Pope's Letters, in which the following 
 pafiage caught my eye, " Bleffed is be who ex- 
 " pefleth nothing: for he Jhall never be dif- 
 appointed" Vexed to perceive that it was 
 all illufion, I darned the little volume from 
 my defk, and ringing for my flippers, retired 
 to reft.
 
 No. 4. V A R I E T V. 
 
 NUMBER IV. 
 
 I 
 
 T has often been matter of doubt, whether 
 Moral Precepts may be more ftrongly in- 
 culcated by an appeal to the under/landing or 
 i to the pajjion-s : in other words, whether the 
 head, or heart of man fhould be addrefled to 
 jkifpire virtuous, or correa vicious inclinati- 
 ons j but it is from not duly confidering the 
 iinfinite variety of individual difpofitions, that 
 ifuch doubts can ever have arifen. The 
 ;teachers of mankind are too apt to imagine, 
 that the fame mode of inftrudion which has 
 (operated on fome, may be effeaive towards 
 ail-j and feldom reflea on that infinite diver- 
 ifity, of temperament and charaaer which di- 
 Jftinguifhes every man from thofe who moft 
 inearly fee m to refemble him. I am led to the 
 :bonfideration of this fubjea, by frequent ob- 
 ervations on the oppofite charters of my 
 C two
 
 2 6 V A' R I E T Y. No. 4. 
 
 two intimate friends Harry and Tom * * j 
 they are brothers, and refemble each other in 
 fome particulars, yet are as different in 
 others, as heat from cold, or any extremes in 
 nature; they are both men of excellent under- 
 ftandings, of liberal education, and generous 
 difpofitions j they both received their rudi- 
 ments of knowledge at the fame fchool, and 
 under the fame tutors ; yet muft they be 
 moved to the exertion of their amiable cha- 
 racters, by very different motives. Hafry, 
 \vhether, from a natural coldnefs of heart, e* 
 from having occasionally fuffered by impofi- 
 tion, is flow and cautious how he gives credit i 
 to tales of diftrefs, or relief to objects of com- 
 paflion ; yet, does he never refufe his ampleft 
 contributions to alleviate calamity well au-*j 
 ihentieated, and never withholds his vigorous 
 ftfpport to public charities, well recommend* 
 ed : he is a man of bufmefs, without having 
 any thing to do ; becaufe, the flighteft occur- 
 rence muft be ferioufly confidcred, and every 
 trifling event becomes the fubjedl of earned 
 <Hfqifition. The impromptu of wit nevei 
 reaches Harry, and ridicule is hardly under- 
 load ' by him; .his converfation is mattej 
 of fat, with aMtrufe reafoning on ever) 
 topic i and his uiind has, by long ufe, ac-i 
 
 quiredj
 
 tfo.4- .V A R I T Y. 27 
 
 quirod, what he calls a'kalm of .generalifiiig 
 
 his ideas On every fobjoa. -His reading, is 
 
 what moft would -call, -dry, and requires 
 
 the deepeft attention : he has often declared, 
 
 that he cowld never dcwvertfee-fm&lleft enter- 
 
 ta-inmen.t from the perufaiof amove)* a tale* 
 
 or even a dramatic performance.. . Tom, on 
 
 the contrary, is the /lave of iuddcn emotion ; 
 
 and his life is a continued Sferics.tf beneficent 
 
 intentions; yet is he for ever, ^appointing 
 
 the hopes. of. tfeofe who. look. to him for -affift! 
 
 ance. To know diftrefs.^nd to rcjicye it, 
 
 are with him ..the effeft .of ttt fc f^c inftan-t, 
 
 wherever it is poffibfe s ,;i,Ula paufa weakens 
 
 the impulfe of his genero^ty j and the efienc 
 
 of his berievolenee, 'ev^poratbs ! by delay. 
 
 J \vita. difplav my fricjid^-R^ra^ers by jfenj* 
 iuftances of the.r life, to. F h4^h,I have- been 
 a witnefs. A few day S; afo, .1 -accompanied 
 tbefe two brothers, to vifrt the .cells of a new 
 fcounty prifon, in wbich.^nvias are pu . 
 nifhed by folitary. confiiwmqn^.jand conti- 
 nual labour; among ft the fuveral obj^cls that 
 called our attention, toer^re particularly 
 ftruck with one,: it was a fenaafe % ure , of 
 inelegant form, middle aged, and ji fwmhy 
 complexion, fitting on the cornef of her bed ; 
 .flae was neat and plainly dreiTad> and was nil^ 
 C z ing
 
 48 VARIETY. No. 4. 
 
 ing up a part of that fingle hour m the 
 day which is allowed from the labours of 
 (pinning, by mending a hole in a clean white 
 flocking ; fhe had been fix months confined 
 >n thislonefome habitation, without feeing or 
 converfing with any living creature, but the 
 keeper of the. prrfon, or his furly deputy : at 
 the firft removal of the flider in the door, thro' 
 which we viewed her, (he looked up with an 
 expreffiveeye of grief and furprife to fee her- 
 il'lf the object of curiofity; and then, with 
 an air of melancholy indifference, returned to 
 her tafk, with her needle ; ftruck with her ap- 
 pearance, we afked the caufe of her commit- 
 ment : the keeper faid fhe was a fortune- 
 teller, and dealt with the devil ; but (he in- 
 terrupted his anfwer,< by faying, fhe was 
 a gipfey, who was Sentenced to ; twelve 
 Months folitary' imprifonmeht within thofe 
 *wiil$, for having pr:uh'fed her trade o-f ibie- 
 teHirrg future events. * c Then" fays my friend 
 Harry, " you pretend 'to be acquainted with 
 " whatever will happen;-" ;" That, Sir," 
 faidifhe, . *f is partrof our profeffion. 3 '' 'Tom, 
 obferved, that he fuppofed (he .hardly looked 
 forward to the fentence under which fhe was 
 iuffering. She replied, with a half fmile, ac- 
 companied;by a tear j u >if you 'will -fur vey the 
 
 narrow
 
 No. 4 . V A R I E T Y. 29 
 
 " narrow compafs to which I am confined, 
 " you muft allow, Sir, that a year is a long 
 " time to look forward." Whether my 
 friend's paflions were moved by the repartee 
 itfelf, or by the look, tone, or manner 
 in which it was delivered, I cannot tell ; but, 
 turning from the door, he wiped a tear from 
 his eye, and fwore he would do fomething to- 
 wards relieving the charming woman, while 
 Harry was aftonifhed at what his brother 
 could be fo much affefted with. We then en- 
 quired of the keeper, the nature of her crime ; 
 which he told us, was fimply this : that on 
 being afked by a poor credulous girl, what 
 hufband fhefhould have, the gipfey perfuaded 
 her to leave her gown- and cloak, that 
 /he might lay them under her prllow, and 
 dream an an fwer to her enquiries ; and that 
 when {he had dreamt of the man, fhe would 
 return the cloaths j but either the gipfey 
 could not fleep ; or flept, and could not 
 dream ; and the cloaths were never returned 
 till the law fet them at liberty, ami doomed 
 the prophetefs to an imprifonment, which -Jhe 
 had never dreamt of. Tom was delighted 
 with the girl's ingenuity, and refolved moft 
 fervently to appear in her favour, and plead 
 C 3 her
 
 jff w AJ R : r i E: T* r. NO. 4% 
 
 ber caufe himfelf.' Hitfry .infifted, that it 
 was a palpable fraud, and that fhe was juftly 
 pu-ni filed. Tom d-efeuded her wit, and 
 praifed ber perfon.. Harry denied, that they 
 were any arguments in her favour ; and, after 
 a few days, Toj;n agreed in his opinion, that 
 the -gipfey was an ^Ttful baggage, who 
 had not the fmalleft claim to his compaffion. 
 ON another occafion, returning late thro* 
 the Strand, from our club, with Harry and 
 Tom, we obferved fome buftle in an adjoin* 
 jg ftre^t ; Tom, was .eager to enquire the 
 $aufe; but Harry atlvifed-y that we {hoidd puih 
 forward, left w might b drawn into difficul- 
 ties that did not concern us j and urged fnmc 
 prudential arguments for taking his advice. 
 The (hrieks of a female in diftrefs, had more 
 fFst,iQ Topi j. lie inftantly fprang from us 
 to the place, and dilVavered, that an innocent 
 frrvant nva^d, had.b^en r^fcve^ ffoip the bru- 
 tal attack of a drunke^i libertine, by agentle- 
 ian who was accidentally palling by : before 
 we came up with them, the watch had been 
 ajarmed ; and we found Tom, with great 
 vehemence, execrating thefe vigilant pre- 
 fervers of the peace by night : for they 
 had fuffered the intoxicated offender to ef- 
 and were extorting money from the- 
 
 poor,
 
 No. 4- V A R I E T Y. 31 
 
 yoor girl, and her deliverer, by tireatning to 
 convey them both to ihe watck-hcktfte. Town 
 recommended them to fubrnit, wad pJtdged 
 Jvimfelf 4ft appear as an evidence againfl thefc 
 harpies of nocturnal juftice. We alJ gave 
 in our eames to api>ear againft the cooi\ai)l&, 
 who defied us wish jajk/ente of office ; and we 
 proceeded on our way, aoiidft the obfervatiqwp 
 of Harry, on the trouble this might occafioo, 
 and the triumph of Tom, in the prpfj e<5t of 
 Bringing to punifliuient, fuch enormity and 
 jnjuftice. Some lime pafled before we wer^ 
 calJed upon to appear in be-half of the geiv- 
 tkman j when f'ofo's ardours bad grow.u 
 cool j and he declared he could not fufEci-~ 
 ently recollect the circumftances of the event ; 
 feared he fhould expofe himfelf by fpeaking to 
 it in public j and r at length absolutely deter- 
 mined not to go : nor could any arguments of 
 Harry, and myfelf, induce him to com pleat an 
 a& of duty, which no argument could 
 difluade him from originally commencing. 
 The ftrangers, however, obtained juftice; 
 and the offenders were punifhed from our evi- 
 dence j but not in fo ample a manner, 
 as might have been effected, had Tom declared 
 the circumftances with that energy of refent- 
 C 4 merit
 
 32. VARIETY. No. 4. 
 
 ment which he felt at the moment when he 
 advifed the gentleman to profecute. 
 
 FROM hence, I would deduce, that fuch 
 men as Tom, are only to be moved, by ap- 
 pealing to the paflions ; and fuch as Harry, 
 by folid argument ; and that thofe who com- 
 mend onfy, in moral EfTays, the ftile of Sher- 
 lock, Tillotfon, or Locke, on one fide; or, 
 of Sterne, Swift, and Fielding, on the other j 
 are equally as ahfurd as thofe who ohjecT: to 
 every thing, either fweet or four : both are 
 occafionally good ; perhaps beft, when pro- 
 perly blended; but certainly, different palates 
 will require, that either one or the 
 fhould, in a degree, predominate. 
 
 N U M-
 
 No. 5 . V A R I E T Y. 33 
 
 N U M B E R V. 
 
 %h-;rM-* Lr:;: ft:ir-:h >ai^^ U v M "' Ib l u 
 Although the firil of the following letters is a- 
 
 point blank attack, and the other a random 
 one, upon the effects of this work, I (halt 
 publish, both without alteration, to con- 
 vince the public of my impartiality. 
 
 Mr. W E A T U l B K C O C K.~ 
 
 S I R r 
 
 l' ( m'.tf. \ ;', 
 
 I LOOK upon it that your are going ta 
 make much mifchief, and that makes~ 
 good what all the world knows, that people 
 who have nothing to do, never do good. I am 
 a hard working Cabinet-maker, and a mafter 
 workman in a fmalt way, for I fcorn to work 
 as journeyman to any one. And fo when 
 C 5 I
 
 34 V A R r T Y. No-. 5, 
 
 I began the world, I laid out all- my little for- 
 tune in mahogany ; but juft as I had wrought 
 it into tea tables, caddies, fire fcreen?, and- 
 bottle fliders, behold nothing \vonld go down 
 but your inlaid gimcracks. What was to 
 be done ? I fold off all my ftock for the va- 
 lue of the materials, bought ebony, holly,. 
 hiccory, and air- wood, and fet myfelf to- 
 work again. But I had hardly finifhed an 
 afTortmcnt before they rendered all my articles 
 unfaleable, by making chairs and tables of 
 paper, painted like fnuff-boxes and piclc- 
 toorh cafes. Now, all this Comes of folks be- 
 ffig mad after Variety ; and you come 
 /nd tell us, that *tis all natural and as it 
 fhouhl "be. "Why at this rare, a man will ne- 
 ver know when he has learned a bufinefs that 
 he may x gt 4ii$ giving by. It wa<. not fo in 
 Qiieen Elizabeth's days, for I 'have heard fhe 
 ufed to fay, fetnper ectdem^ which thy tell -me 
 is Latin for " no Variety," and that's what 
 fo no more at prefent from 
 
 - /i bnu -i 
 
 nu,^ 
 
 *t tmA ' .sac x ns 2 <iJ^'v!;.. 
 i'- .1 ^ Mr.
 
 No. 5. V A R I E T Y. 35 
 
 Mr. WEATHERCOCK. 
 S I R, 
 
 I A M poflefTed of a good fortune, acquired 
 by my father, who was of French extrac- 
 tion, and a wit j for he ufed to fay, that a 
 man who had a French name, had one 
 thing requisite towards getting money, whe- 
 ther he makes the head or the body of man his 
 chief object ; that is, whether he become a 
 paftry.-cook or a perriwig-maker, a teacher of; 
 languages or a taylor. And fo my father re- 
 tired from bufinefs with ten thoufand pounds, 
 by. making Ihort coats aad long bills; and 
 while half the admired coxcombs owed him, 
 money, they alfo owed him every thing 
 for which they were admired. I being an onr- 
 }y fon, and my father a fickly man, he wifbed 
 to fee me well married before he died, and this 
 wim. was accomplifhed exa&ly. I'll tell yot| 
 how it happened : An IriOi Knight (who 
 was deep in his books) having been killed in 
 a duel, my father waited on the widow, and 
 fcarce had he fixed his eyes on her ftately per T 
 fon, but he refolved to embrace the opportu* 
 pity, of raifing the confequence of our family
 
 36 VARIETY. No. 5. 
 
 by fuch a connection i and indeed it was ia 
 fome danger of dwindling intodwarfiih infig- 
 nificance, for my father was but five feet high, 
 and he was taller by a head than me. Now, 
 the widow of Sir Phelim O'Ballabruch Mac 
 Callaghan, my fublime and lofty wife, mea- 
 fures fix feet three inches without her fhoes* 
 No great perfuafion was neceffary to fettle 
 matters betwixt us, and her Ladyftiip con- 
 iented to accept of my fortune, and link 
 me into the bargain. i will not trouble yoa 
 with the feafting and joy with which our 
 nuptials were celebrated, for it coft me 
 the life of my father, as i before told you he 
 was of a delicate frame ; on this occaGon ho 
 v/it and his wine flowed in great abundance. 
 Now, whether it was the fait of his wit, the 
 ftrength of his wine, or the drynefs of his 
 jokes, that produced an unufual thirft, I 
 know not ; but he drank a whole bottle, which 
 brought on a fever, and he fell a facrifice to 
 the joy of feeing me fo greatly matched be- 
 fore the firft week of my probation was 
 expired, leaving me in pofleffion of a large 
 fortune, and a large wife in poflefiion of 
 me. During the honey moon my fond fpoufe 
 difcovered that i was not well, though i was? 
 able to eat, drink and fleep, as well as ever i
 
 No. 5. VARIETY. 37 
 
 did in fny'life ; but (he knew better, and pro- 
 pofed a Journey to Bath - r i did all i could to 
 liay at home ; my Lady was not fttisfied with 
 tny arguments, indeed i had little to offer ; i 
 had no bufinefs but to get in outftanding tri- 
 fles, and her Ladyfhip knew i had got in all 
 i could ; in proportion as I flirunk from her 
 propofal, fhe grew more deftrous ; confider 
 my fituation, Sir, ftie a great body r i hardly 
 any body ; it was in vain for me to think of 
 puihing things to- extremities, and fo to Bath 
 we wept. Here her coufin, Captain O'Bryan, 
 ibon found us out, introduced hJmfelf to my 
 Lady, and is become fo great a favoupUe, 
 that flie can't live without him. He is a man 
 of prodigious parts,, as my wife tells me, 
 though he takes care to hide them from me ; 
 for except that he is as tall as her Ladyfllip, 
 i can difcover nothing that fliould make 
 her prefer his company to mine ; nor can 
 i conceive the motive fcr her conduct, except 
 it be Variety > for the Captain and i are 
 as unlike each other, as broad cloth and 
 penny binding ; i am all meeknefs, HE all 
 blulter; i am timid as a flea, HE bold as a tur- 
 key cock ; i wiping to draw myfelf out of all 
 contention, HE ready to drive matters to 
 the utmoft; and when tny wife appeals to him
 
 3$ VARIETY. NO. 5. 
 
 in our family concerns, he (lands ftifly to his 
 opinion, whilft flie can wind me round 
 her finger j. all this makes me very uneafy at 
 times, for he often vexes my Lady wife, 
 and fometimes leaves the houfe a whole day 
 in a tiff, threatening never to return, i dare 
 not take her part while he is prefent ; yet if i 
 attempt to do it when we are alone, {he won- 
 ders at my prefumption, and fneers at my in- 
 fignificancc, by inviduous comparifons; i 
 ftrive to avoid difpleafmg her, but can never 
 do any thing to pleafe her ; and if i muft 
 maintain this great coufm for her Ladyfliip's- 
 fake, furely he ought not to be the fource of 
 difguft in her towards me j when i pity her 
 for the brutality of his behaviour, (he tells me 
 'tis her whim to like it j. 'tis VARIETY : and 
 when i compare my conftant fubmiflion with 
 his occafional overbcarance, fhe tells me that 
 Variety conftitutcs the difference betwixt 
 man and brute, and bids me read what you 
 have written j i have done fo ; and as you 
 leem willing to receive all letters, and to 
 make them fit to fhew themfelves abroad, 
 i will thank you to drefs up mine in your own 
 language, fo that my wife may fee it without 
 knowing it to be a child of my brain ; and in- 
 form her Ladyfliip, that if Ihe will neither 
 
 over-rate
 
 No. 5. VARIETY. & 
 
 over-rate the Captain's merit, nor undervalue 
 mine,. an.d will put up with us both as we are,, 
 and take >11 w$ have to offer in goo<J part, i 
 will let the Captain and her Ladyfhip. 
 fight their own battles,, and fettle their 
 private tiffs amongft themfelve*; but if fhe 
 kts his violent temper difturb my peace, 
 i will aflert the rights of a hufband,, and 
 defire the Captain to keep his diftance. But 
 be fpeedy if you pleafe, for he has left her two 
 days, and 'tis time fomethinglhould be done. 
 And fo believe me, 
 
 Dear Sir,, 
 
 Your's every inch of m, 
 
 j?. LE NEUFIEME. 
 
 P. S, On feconcl tlioMghts, foften that part where i 
 talk of keeping the tall Captain at a cfiftance, for that's 
 a trirk they are apt to lerve me, when he, and ruy wife 
 and i go out togther j and they will laugh as they once 
 did, when i was walking after them wjth all my might, 
 in to ?a*k, awl a wag cal^sd out, Well d?of Ifttlt 
 Wf. 
 
 !,d 
 9A c riHf 
 
 NUM-
 
 40 VARIETY. No, 6. 
 
 NUMBER VL 
 
 THAT the Happinefs oflife confifts ra- 
 ther in. Expectation than Enjoyment, 
 has been fo frequently advanced, and fo ably 
 fupported by writers of former ages, and fo 
 often repeated by thofe of our own times, that 
 it fliould feem tn.pofTible to urge any thing 
 new on fo trite a fubjecl: : yet, perhaps the 
 elucidation of a welt known fact, may pro- 
 duce Variety, where novelty ought not to be 
 expected ; particularly if the examples be ad- 
 drefied to thofe who may never before have 
 feen the object placed in a light adapted to 
 their purfuits. 
 
 THE Man of Bufinefs has little leifure to 
 perufe the fpeculations of Eflayifts ; and, if 
 he had, no arguments would prove fuffi- 
 cient to convince him, that when he fhall 
 have attained the object for which he daily 
 toils, he will at length find Happinefs elude 
 
 his
 
 No. 6. VARIETY. 41 
 
 his embrace, and often at the moment, when 
 he fancies he has reached her. Such a man 
 will tell you of the joy which reft from un- 
 remitting labour will afford 1 j he will talk of 
 the fatigue of bufinefs, anxious days, and 
 fleeplefs nights; and he will think it mad- 
 nefs to fuppofe, that fome years hence, (when 
 he {hall have acquired the fortune that his 
 hopes have promifed) he fhall not enjoy Hap- 
 pinefs which feems fo intimately combined 
 with affluence and eafe. I will allow, that 
 the profpe& of this diftant Hope is fufficknt 
 to excite his utmoft induftry to pofTefs the 
 promifed good j but let htm beware how he 
 quits that Induftry, when he thinks he has 
 no longer need of it ; let him refkr, that life 
 without employm?nt, can never bring him 
 Happinefs. No human being, however ex- 
 alted may be his rank and fortune, however 
 enlarged and cultivated his underftanding, 
 can long be happy, without fome obje& of 
 purfuit. Life is a ladder on which we climb 
 from hope to hope, and by expectation ftrive 
 to afcend to enjoyment ; but he is miferable 
 indeed, who fancies he has reached his higheft 
 hope, or who enjoys the utmoft or his wifhes ; 
 for thofe who have been the moft fuccefsful 
 in their refpe&ive undertakings, have- given 
 
 ik*
 
 4* VARIETY. No. 6. 
 
 jhe gloomieft defcription of the emptinefs of 
 human pleafures. The purfuit alone cam 
 yield true happincfs ; and, 1 affirm, that the 
 -mod trifling object that has power to fafci- 
 nate the hopes of man, is worthy his atten- 
 tion. The money-getting Trader, looks with 
 aftonifhinent at the man of fortune, who ne- 
 glects the palace of his anceftors, to vifit 
 foreign nations, without thofe views which 
 induce the merchant to correfpond with dif- 
 tant countries j and thinks, that were he but 
 poflefled Off fuch a family eitate, England 
 alone would fattsfy his range of Happnufs j 
 byt when we talk of what would make us 
 happy, we always talk of what is not in our 
 pofleffion j and though mankind will fome- 
 times boaft of fatisfa&ion, which they know 
 they do not feel - y yet it is on the profpecl of 
 fome future good, that they truly dwell with 
 rapture. 
 
 THOUGH the Man of Bufinefs may not 
 allow the truth of what I have aflerted, 
 the Scholar and Philofopher will fay it is a 
 fact fo evideat, and fo well eflablifhed,, that 
 it is almoft as abfurd to go about to prove it, 
 as it would be, to demonstrate that the Sun 
 gives light and heat : yet there is a middle 
 clafs betwixt the bufy and the frudious, be- 
 twixt the man who fpeculates with thought
 
 o..2. V A R I! E7T. Y. 45 
 
 too much, and him who never th-inks but to 
 get money ; I mean the leifure country 
 gentleman, who hunts, or fhoots, or fifhes, 
 as the feafons or the weather tempt j and who 
 reads fometimes, becaufe .he can do nothing 
 elfe for his anrmfemtnt. To .him I ftftU a4- 
 drefs the remainder of this paper : for he otdf 
 can judge how truly I defcribe his feelings. 
 IN a warm fu.mmer's ev^eniflg, look at the 
 patient angler, his eye intently fixed w.pon a 
 floating quil! ; a little guft of wind deceives 
 his fight, or his hand fhakes the lief: an4 
 caufes an undulating motion of the coflk ; ,his 
 heart bounds with tnanfkory joy \ b|: all 
 is ftill again., and expectation gives a j0y 
 more calm ; many minutes now elapfe in 
 filent watchfulne.fs j at length his patience is 
 no longer kept in fufpence, the flpat w.ithfr^ 
 jquent jerks is fuatched below the furface of 
 the flood; he feels the tremulous motion 
 in his hand, and pleafure thrills through all 
 his frame ; Anxiety and Hope, but not un- 
 mixed with Fear, engrofs his whole attention, 
 and cautiou/ly he drags the flruggling victim 
 to the light j here when he views the un- 
 expedted magnitude of his glittering pr.ize^ 
 his joy is at its utmoft reach ; what objedt 
 fcould at this moment tempt him to quit his 
 
 ftatioa $
 
 44 VARIETY. No. ft, 
 
 ftation ? Intent upon his fport, he one 
 moment pulls, then feems to yield, then 
 gently draws the exhaufted victim, till at 
 length, exulting, he takes the fcaly prifoner 
 in his hand : but alas ( with his vidtory his 
 pleafurc ceafes; for having difentangled the 
 poor creature from his hook, he throws 
 it down with indifference and proceeds to fifb 
 again, that he may again enjoy the pkafure 
 of anxious Expectation. 
 
 IT is with peculiar propriety that I confider 
 the Happinefs of the fportfman, fmce 1 write 
 this from my friend Aimwell's feat in 
 B (hire, where the feafon of the year and 
 the neceffity of exercife, with a love of con- 
 formity, have kdme to partake in the delights 
 and fatigues of fhootingi and as I am not 
 every day fo employed, I could not help 
 attending to my fenfations during, a walk 
 of many hours and miles this morning ; thefe 
 I fhall endeavour minutely to defcribe. 
 
 WE rofe and breakfafted an hour ot two 
 before our ufual time, that we might find our 
 game at feed upon the flubbles; a cloudy 
 morning, with a brifk wind that dried the 
 dew and gave the dogs every advantage of the 
 fcent, communicated checrfulnefs and vigour 
 to 'our undertaking: hardly have we mounted 
 
 th.e 

 
 >To.6. V; AT 
 
 the firft'ftile and ftepped into tlie barley ftub- 
 bl'e, but TohoJ old Sancho ftands, Fop 
 backs him ftaunchly, before Hope can fully 
 ripen into Joy, young Carlo dafhes in, and 
 the whole covey flies into a diftant field of new? 
 eut clover, and there we iar down ever.y 
 bird i here is no time for <1 ^appointment, 
 young Carlo is fecured,and taken into couples 
 by the Servant, and we ftep forward with 
 eager ftrides to the object of our hopes ; after 
 walking krifely down the hill, and hav'ng 
 toiled acroft the valley, juft as we reach the 
 corner of the field, panting with certainty of 
 falling on our prey, the birds with one 
 confent mount into the air only a few yards 
 difrance out of gun (hot, and return into the 
 Ijedge of the fame ftubble field from whence 
 they were originally driven. Now, Hope 
 fuggefts, that being in the cover of the hedge, 
 the partridgfs will rife one. at a time and 
 yield" us glorious fport : full of this idea 
 we- return with redoubled ardour the fame 
 ^ay by which we came, and though we now 
 afcend at every ftep, the way fetrris (horter 
 in proportion to our profpeft of fuccefs. At 
 length^, behold us on oppofite fides the hedge 
 in which we know our game is lodged, San- 
 cho is on 'em! Fop winds 'em too-! and' 
 
 now !
 
 4 s V/ /c R: : I ] E:: TA Y, No. 6. 
 
 BOW ! with tfhat palpitation which only a 
 keen fportfman can: cobiprehmd, we gently! 
 beat the bum ; and forth, from either fide, 
 pan ef the covey rufhest* ;My friend! (who 
 foWorn ttiiflbs a fair^fhmj) fciiHs his -bird.* '''Butt 
 I',, whether from Soottiuch eagernofs, or too 
 little praftice, ihoOt -bdhind' my mark > flh<l 
 plainly difcover, the moment I 'have fired* 
 tvhy J have not fucceedod ; but there is no 
 time for recoMeclioft, jiiuen' lefs for difap- 
 pointment; for thci'e are^nfoi* b'ird^ leff, 
 Sancho is ftrffened aft the hedge, a few yards 
 diftant. In txtrcme hajte my gun; is charged 
 againi, and -liua>vc cm writrrpleafin$ trepida- 
 tion : the partridge whirrs from the pointer's 
 nofe, and I take' aloffe certain" aim'j but 
 drawing the trigger, Ldifeovcry that in my 
 b^fte I .had. forgot to prirhe, Now with" my 
 eyes onJy I-porAie the happy fugitive; and 
 tfhis fo occupies my thoughts, that difapppim- 
 inent cannopftnd" admittance ; befides, I ex- 
 alt in the refle&ioft, that had' my piece-gone 
 off I fhould mcft certainly have killed m/ 
 bird ; and, while I am engaged in exultadon ,- 
 and in priming^ the remainder of the oovey 
 takes wing, and points the direction W4 mtift 
 follow. We now proceed, beating each fiekl 
 Unrelaxing <iiligenoe- ; we try fwathe 
 
 oats,
 
 No. 6, V A- R I E'T-YC A; 
 
 oats, or wheaf, or barley ftubtiles ; then look? 
 the clover; or turnips are rnore likely! in 
 fhort each piece; of land we? enter, gfves frefhr 
 hopes: we are fare they muft be there; butt 
 having beat this field and that, ifl- Vain, Ma 
 have better founded hope of finding in riltf 
 next adjoining ; nor does expectation droop, 
 beneath repeated difappointment; at length 
 the dogs are certain in the turnips-, anrf 
 we approach with ardour, heightened by 
 delay; 'tis now -a fportfman only can -relifh 
 what I feel ; the dogs ftand immoveable as 
 blocks of ftone, and the heart beats with rap- 
 ture at the approaching moment ; while I 
 cautioufly examine whether I have primed 
 or not. At leng'h a partridge rifes with 
 ruftling noife, and fpreads his wings; my 
 well-aimed gun quickly flops him in his 
 flight and kills him on the fpot. This is the 
 ' moment which a novice in the field would 
 i think the higheft pitch of joy; but he is mif- 
 taken ; the pleafure ceafes with the victory ; 
 ) the lifelefs animal is negligently thrown into 
 ; the bag, and all the eagernefs of hafty charg- 
 ing is repeated left other birds fhould rife, 
 i while I am unprepared. Thus the Happinefs 
 of fporting, like that of every other object, 
 Is more in expectation than enjoyment ; and 
 
 having
 
 4 g V A R I; E T Y. No. 6. 
 
 having confined my illustration to the country, 
 gentlemen or fportfmen, let none whoever 
 drew a trigger at a partridge, prefume to 
 judge of extacies which they may think over- 
 rated ; but let them remember that energy 
 even in trifles, is necefiary to conftitute feli- 
 city in active minds ; and that he who feeks 
 Happmefs with indifference in any purfuit of 
 life, will never find it; he muft be in earneft, 
 whatever he undertakes j and " what he 
 ** does, he muft do heartily.". 
 
 :,- LiMi or : ri ^>.v -,. 
 
 NUMB.
 
 No. 7. V A R I E T Yv 
 NUMBER VII. 
 
 XT O fubjea has, perhaps, more engaged 
 P" the attention of all ages and all coun- 
 tries, nor any in which there has been fo great 
 a difference of fentiment, as that of Education; 
 and when we reflea that it is a fubjea 
 in which every individual is neceffarily intcr- 
 efted, we (hall not wonder at the variety of 
 opinions concerning it; for every individual 
 who thinks at all, claims a right of thinking 
 for himfelf how to educate his own children^ 
 or his own dependents. Unfortunately for 
 the peace of fociety, there are too many, who, 
 !not fatisfied with this right in private, 
 iprefume to intrude fheir fyftem of Education 
 [on all around them. Thus, in politics, in 
 eligion, in the more abftrufe fciences, or in 
 | ; .he politer arts, we fee didalors and advifers 
 aying down general rules for the obfervance 
 P all mankind. But when a general plan is 
 Jropofed which affeas a whole nation, we 
 hould be cautious left fpecious promifes 
 D of
 
 so VARIETY. No. 7. I 
 
 of imaginary advantage, allure us beyond the | 
 bounds of prudence ; fuch is the cafe with re- ; 
 gard to a recent experiment, where piety , 
 and benevolence are held forth as the founda- j 
 tion, and an improved fyftem of morality rc- 
 prefervted as the fuperftrufture : feduced by | 
 the hope of enlarging the underftanding, , 
 and increafmg the happinefs of the rifmg ge- ; 
 neration, all ranks commend a defign which ' 
 they never examine, and applaud an inftituti- 
 on, of which the future confequences have 
 never been confidered ; fuch is the phrenzy j 
 of expedation that has fuddenly leized all 1 
 parts of this kingdom on the propofal for | 
 Sunday Schools. A plan originally fuggefted 
 by fome perfons with good intentions, but in 
 many places, I fear, moft ardently recom-| 
 mended from motives of Vanity in individu- 
 als, and a defire of becoming confpicuous in; 
 a popular mealure. 
 
 'HOWEVER impolitic it may be, to take 
 the oppofitc fide in fuch a queftion, I 
 flaall endeavour to convince fome of myj 
 yeaders, that the evils to be dreaded from; 
 the .plan, may greatly exceed the fuppofed 
 advantage*. But firft, obferve, I allow fc. 
 much "of this plan to be very good, asj 
 tends to promote a regular attendance andj 
 decent behaviour of the poor, at fome placd 
 
 oi
 
 No. 7. V A R I E T Y, 51 
 
 of religious worfhip every Sunday. And now 
 I will proceed to the other boafled advantages 
 of Sunday Schools. We are told that by dif- 
 fufing the knowledge of reading^ we fhall en- 
 large the minds of the vulgar; I grant it; 
 but does it necefTarily follow, that the lower 
 claffes will become more induftriwS) more vir- 
 tuous, or even more happy? Certainly n&t; 
 for were this the cafe, we might expect to find 
 thofe qualities commenfurate to the propor- 
 tion of knowledge in each individual, and 
 every day's experience teaches, that LEARN- 
 ING cannot fecure its pofleflbrs from indolence y 
 from vice, and much lefs from mifery. So 
 far from it, I will boldly pronounce, that 
 it tends to promote the fuft, to conceal rather 
 than eradicate the fecond, and to heighten 
 the poignancy of the latter. 
 
 A THOUSAND inftances could be adduced to 
 prove this aflertion, but I will confine myfelf 
 to one, as the moft recently confpicuous ; and 
 illuftrate my opinion by referring to the'many 
 well authenticated accounts of the life and 
 character of that learned and pious prodigy 
 the late Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON, whofe ca- 
 pacious understanding and retentive memory, 
 made him a ColofTus in literature, and a 
 Giant in precepts of true morality. >Let us 
 D 2 fee
 
 52 VARIETY. No. 7. 
 
 fee how Learning defended this excellent man 
 from thole three great evils againft which 
 it is fuppofed to be a fpecific. His indolence 
 he conftantly regrets, and his Indujl-y was the 
 effect of bitter want, which not even all 
 his efforts were at times fufficient to remove ; 
 he confeffcs that he was never excited to la- 
 bour but by neccfllty, a-jid would never allow 
 or believe that any other motive could ftimulate 
 z man to write or work; this cannot be called 
 indujlry from a fenfe of duty, but hard labour 
 to avoid ftarving : and with Johnfon's fen- 
 fibility, fuch neceffary exertions of his mental 
 faculties were infinitely more painful than 
 the fevered labour of the hufbandman or 
 mechanic, 
 
 O-F the virtues or vices of this great man we 
 are not perfedtly able to judge; for who caw 
 dive into the heart of man to develope the 
 fee ret motions of his mind ? yet one obfer- 
 vation on this good man's conduct is very 
 obvious, viz. We are at a lofs to reconcile 
 his inordinate fear of death, with his profefled 
 belief of immortality ; but that he either had 
 jfcrtt vices which his prudence concealed, or 
 that his learning taught him to confidcr 
 as fitch, many occurrences of his life, about 
 
 which
 
 No. 7. V A R I E T Y. 53 
 
 which a lefs enlightened mind would have 
 had no fcruples, 
 
 WITH refpeft to hisbappinefs or mifery, the 
 moft fuperficial obferver of his character will 
 difcover, that he too feverely felt fhe pre- 
 valence of the latter, and that daily expe- 
 rience confirmed his favourite opinion; " that 
 " the evils of human life over-balanced the 
 ** enjoyments of it ;" the horrors of death or 
 infinity, were ever before his eyes ; and thus 
 dfd the mvji learned man of the prefent 
 aj;p, live in conftant wretchcdnefs from the 
 anticipation of two evils ; one of which was 
 inevitable and common to all, whilft the 
 other never happened, and with a mind lefs 
 enlightened would never have obtruded itfelf 
 on his imagination. It may be objected by 
 fome, that I have chofen as an example, the 
 character of one, who, though eminent in his 
 learning, was fingular in his habits; but 
 \vhat human being is without fome peculi- 
 arity ? And his greateft proceeded from an 
 rxcefs of what fome will call pious faith, and 
 others enthufiaftic credulity. This confio'er- 
 atiori naturally leads me to the fecond great 
 advantage promifed by Sunday Schools, viz. 
 That the knowledge of reading, will enable 
 "the poor to confult thofe books which con- 
 D 3, tain
 
 54 VARIETY. No. 7. 
 
 tain the precepts of their duty in this life, and 
 the hope of eternal happinefs in a life to come. 
 But who will deny that the labouring poor, 
 may not be infinitely better inftrudlcd in all 
 -that it behoves them to know, by the ar- 
 guments of their fpiritual teachers, than they 
 -can collect themfelves from the voluminous 
 books of Holy Writ, which having been corn- 
 pofed at various times and for various pur- 
 pofes, frequently contain matter fo myfteri- 
 QUS, and doctrines fo contradictory, that 
 it has required the induftry of the ableft men 
 to clear them from obfcurity, and extract 
 that perfect fyftem of moral conduct, which 
 the Chriftian Religion (well underftood) fo 
 admirably inculcates. 
 
 AMIDST the endlefs Variety of religious 
 .feels, all are warranted by paflages from 
 fcripture; yet there are many fubverfive 
 of all morality, and injurious to the well- 
 being of fociety. Such are the doctrines 
 of Methodifts Ib univerfally prevalent rclpc/N 
 ing the efficacy of faith, and faving grace. 
 We fee the country over-run by a fet of 
 people whofe influence is prodigious, and 
 daily increafing. Some thoufand Preachers 
 are oifletninated through all parts of Kng-^ 
 laud, and even planted in our moft diilaut 
 
 territories.
 
 No. 7. V A R I E T Y. 55 
 
 territories, to plunder the fcanty pittance of 
 credulous induftry, white they recommend 
 enthufiafm, and palliate vice. There is no 
 do&rine fo abfurd but texts may be found in 
 fupport of it, by mutilating verfes, and join- 
 ing difcordant parts ; by interpreting figura- 
 tive expreffions literally, or making plain 
 language bear a myftic fignification ; and 
 what man whpfe daily neceffities require all 
 his time, can find leifure to collect or compre- 
 hend the whole extent and dcfiga of the 
 facred writings ? 
 
 WE know that the Preachers amongft 
 Methodifts are of the loweft clafs of the peo- 
 ple, whom a little learning has made mad 
 or cunning, and who prefer the indolent 
 labour of their heads, to the more irkfome 
 employment of their hands ; but how will 
 the number of thefe be increafed when all can 
 read, and when all claim the right of putting 
 their own conftru&ion on what they read? 
 The minds of the poor will be enlightened 
 indeed, but it will be with that new light 
 which a witty Author obferves, " never 
 " (bines in upon the brain, but through 
 " a crack of the fcull." In the mean while, 
 the duties of the prefent life will be all forgot- 
 ten midit the unneceflary folicitude about the 
 D 4 life
 
 56 VARIETY. No. 7. 
 
 life to come, which they are taught to confi- 
 der will not depend on their conduct in this 
 world, but in growing grace and experience 
 of holy breathings, and all the cant terms 
 of myftical jnrgon. Having confidcred the 
 promifed advantages of this fafhionable but 
 fuperficial plan for mending fociety, I fhall in 
 a future paper, fhew more at large, the evils 
 to be dreaded from its becoming general, and 
 anfwer the objections which its advocates 
 ifray 'bt fuppofed to advance. 
 
 
 N U M- 

 
 No. 8. V A R I E T *Y. 5; 
 
 NUMBER VIII. 
 
 In Continuation. 
 
 HAVING in a former paper expofed the 
 fallacious promifes of advantage from 
 SUNDAY SCHOOLS, I fliall now confider the 
 probable mifchiefs which may accrue to the 
 community, fhould the plan be univerfally 
 adopted. There is no period -recorded in the 
 annals of hiftory, in which all mankind were 
 perfectly equal ; nor is it poffible to imagine 
 n ftate of Society, without certain degrees of 
 fuperiority and fubordination amongft the in- 
 dividuals of which it is compofed. We may 
 compare fociety to a fluid, in which various 
 particles are mixed, fome heavier, and fome 
 lighter than others j if the fluid be at reft, 
 hefe will afcend, while thofe fubfide, till 
 each particle of matter has found the due 
 fituation in the general mafs allotted to it, 
 by the laws of gravitation j in like manner, 
 D 5 the
 
 58 VARIETY. No. g, 
 
 the individuals of focicty being different from 
 each other, whether in property, in virtue, 
 in genius, or in application, there will ne- 
 cefTarily follow an arrangement of them into 
 higher and lower ranks of people ; there muft 
 be mafters and fervants, rulers and labourers, 
 patricians and plebeians, nor would a re- 
 public be lefs a ftate of abfurdity and co- 
 fufion, whether it were deficient in legifla- 
 tors and magiftrates, or in " hewers of wood 
 " and drawers of water." The working 
 poor are by far the moft numerous clafs, and 
 when kept in due fubordination they compofe 
 the riches of a nation j but I contend that 
 fome degree of ignorance is neceflary to keep 
 them fubordinate, and to make them either 
 ufeful to others, or happy in themfelves. 
 What plowman who could read the renowned 
 Hift-ory of Jack Hickerthrift, or the flory of 
 the Seven Wife Men of Greece, would be 
 content to whiftle up one furrow, and down 
 another, from the morning dawn to the fet- 
 tingof the fun r There is a fpirit of emu)a- 
 tion in the meaneft imd, which urges hira 
 to excel his fellow -fen r ants. The latent 
 fpark of ambition and third of praife, glows 
 in every human breaft j at prefent the con- 
 tention of the clown is confined to the labour 
 
 of
 
 No. 8. V A R I E T Y. 59 
 
 of his hands : but as his mind becomes en- 
 lightened, he will defpife all fuperiority that 
 is merely manual ; he will neglect his daily 
 toil to indulge the fweet hope of future emi- 
 nence, and to promote that progrefs in the 
 improvement of his mind, which he flatters 
 himfelf is the road to eafe and enjoyment. 
 From an induftrious mechanic, or unwearied 
 hufbandman, he will afpire to be a keeper of 
 accounts, or even an expounder of the gofpel. 
 That the inordinate increafe and general dif- 
 femination of learning tend to extirpate induf- 
 try, is proved by the experience of nations and 
 individuals. A geographical author of repu- 
 tation obferves, that the people of Scotland 
 were greatly more induftrious before litera- 
 ture became fo univerfal ;. and inEngland it 
 is a common obfervation among farmers, 
 that a hufbandman w-ho can read and write, 
 is an incumbrance to a parifh ; and that 
 generally fpeaking, the parifli clerk is the 
 idleft perfon in the village. 
 
 I SHAI/L adduce another fa to fupportmy. 
 argument, though I' am aware my humanity 
 will be arraigned for taking it from our Weft 
 India Iflands. The miferable flavcs employed, 
 m the plantations are human beings, with 
 minds little more inftructed than the mere 
 D 6 brure
 
 6o VARIETY. No 8. 
 
 brute creation ; yet they perform labours 
 for which human beings are abfolurely 
 iK'cefiary, ami for which no other animal 
 tould be fubftituted. Jt is obfcrved, not 
 only by their too-commonly unfeeling 
 matters, but even by men of education and 
 tteling who are refluent in the country, that 
 every enlargement of their underftandings, 
 tends to leffen their habits of induftry, and 
 to remJer more painful that fatigue, which 
 ignorance alone enables them to fupport 
 \#ith chearfulnefs : I would not be un- 
 derftood to recomend flavery, but to enforce 
 the neceffity of keeping cliftindt the feveral 
 C'ialTes of fociety. It is by too eagerly defi- 
 rirg to confound all degrees of rank, that 
 rnen fo often render themfclves ridiculous, 
 sod their families miferable; each endeavour- 
 lug to move in that fyheu which is next 
 above his own : Thus the peer afTumes the 
 ftate and retinue of a monarch ; the baronet 
 betrays his country to become a peer j the 
 indigent efquire pines to be made a baronet ; 
 the merchant quits his ufeful employment to 
 be dub'd efquire ; the fhopkeeper defpifes 
 retail trade and calls himfelf a merchant; 
 and every labourer who can read, will afpire 
 to be a fliopkeeper : but where {hall we find 
 
 any
 
 No 8. V A R I E T Y. 6r 
 
 any to fu'p ply the place of labourers? The 
 clafs will be extinct. Not to be learned, 
 will be a difgrace to humanity ; and a learned 
 labourer is a folecifm in language. 
 
 THREE objections will yet be made. 
 Fir/?, that nothing farther is intended than 
 to teach the poor to read. Secondly, that this 
 will enable them to pafs their leifure to ad- 
 vantage, in the perufal of good books ; and 
 Thirdly, that it is cruel to deny any rational 
 creature, this fcanty pittance of mental ac- 
 quirements. To the/r/? I anfwer, that thofe 
 who have been taught to read will teach 
 themfelves to write, witnefs the walls of all 
 our ftreets, and the obfcenity which fhocks 
 the ftranger's eye. To thefecond I anfwer, 
 that having learned to read, they will find 
 bad books full as entertaining to pafs their 
 hours away as good ones j and as to the third 
 obje6lion, that it is cruel to deny the poor 
 an opportunity of reading any books, it 
 is equally cruel to deny them the ufe of 
 wine, of filk {lockings, or any other comfort 
 which oppulence exclufively enjoys j for 
 while the poor have wholefome food, warm 
 cloathing, and good inftrudion from their 
 teachers, they have all the bleffings which 
 their fore-fathers required, and with which 
 
 they
 
 62 VARIETY. No.fe 
 
 they were contented in their flation. The 
 melancholy depravity in the morals of our 
 poor, muft be attributed to a very different 
 iburce than that of ignorance : they are al- 
 ready too much enlightened. On a future 
 cccafion I may point out more probable 
 caufes of the. diflblutenefs in the manners of 
 the people, but this would now lead me too 
 far from my fubjed"t. I fhall therefore conclude 
 with an appeal to thofe who have experi- 
 enced the benefits of a liberal education, 
 whether they could with chearfulnefs fubmit 
 to the toils of any drudgery, which requires 
 no exercife of the intellectual faculties ? Let 
 me afk the bankrupt merchant, if he could 
 become a coal-heaver without murmuring ? 
 Or let the unbeneficed clergyman tell me 
 whether he could follow the plow with 'hil- 
 arity ? Rather would not each tofearn his 
 daily bread, endeavour to procure employ- 
 ment, by which his mental acquirements 
 might fave him from the horrors of working 
 with his hands ? 
 
 THEN why fbould we ftrive to difqualify a 
 ufeful fet of men, from purfuing thof 
 inferior tafks which are performed with ig- 
 norant contentment. Reading is the fcbce 
 of fedentary leifurej the beft refource of eafe 
 
 and
 
 No. 8. V A R I E T V. 63 
 
 retirement ; but what have the bufy, the 
 indigent, or the laborious to do with that, 
 which neither time can allow, nor inclination 
 ought to encourage ? 
 
 THERE remains only one more objection. 
 " Who knows what mighty genius may 
 " be loft by the want of a little cultivation ? v 
 Or to exprefs it more elegantly, 1 will put it 
 in the words of Gray's Elegy. 
 
 Perhaps in this nrglecled fpot is laid, 
 
 Some heart once pregnant with celeftial fire; 
 
 Hands, that the rod of empire might havefwayed, 
 Or wak'd to extacy the living lyre. 
 
 But knowledge to their eyes her ample page, 
 Rich with the fpoilsof time did ne'r unroll; 
 
 Chill penury reprefied their noble rage, 
 And froze the genial current of the foul. 
 
 To lament this fort of frill-born genius, is 
 like regretting the lofs of chickens that were 
 never hatched ; and though 1 may allow the 
 lofs of a poet in embryo to be a great calamity 
 to the country, yet with regard to Jlatefmen 
 and prime minijiers, as there is feldom room 
 for more than half a dozen of them to exer- 
 cife their calling at the fame time, we may 
 perhaps be able to fupply the necefiary quan- 
 tity
 
 6 4 V A R I E T Y. No. 8. 
 
 tity from both Houfcs of Parliament and 
 the two Univerfities, till fuch time as Sunday 
 Schools fhall have ripened the genius of the 
 inferior clafTes in fociety, by fpoiling many 
 millions of induftrious labourers, in hopes of 
 producing one u Village Hampden." 
 
 I 
 
 N U M- i
 
 No, 9, V A R I E T Y. 65 
 
 NUMBER IX. 
 
 To 'Squire WEATHERCOCK, 
 
 S I R, 
 
 I A M one of the lads belonging to a Sunday 
 School, and can't bear to fee fuch a good 
 tk-fign pufl'd to pieces by you, or any bodyj 
 we have boys amongft us, that will one day 
 be judges, and bifliops, as Dr. Vainly often 
 tells us ; for, inftead of playing at trapball 
 and cricket, and fuch like ungodly games, 
 we are always employing our fpare time in 
 gofpel difputations, and pofmg one another 
 with holy queftions : aye, and we have fome 
 that would fet the doctor himfelf as faft as a 
 church ; and fo we have agreed to fend you 
 fome to fhew how we get on ; perhaps you 
 may help us out with fome of the cramp en- 
 quiries ; fuch as, Who was Adam's grand- 
 mother ? \Vas the deluge frefh water or fait ? 
 Was the pidgeon fent from the ark, a crop- 
 per,
 
 66 VARIETY. No. 9. 
 
 per, or a tumbler ? What was the name of 
 Potiphar's wife ? And who was the father of 
 the children of Zebedee ? All thefe myfteries 
 have caufed warm and learned debates in our 
 fchool ; but there is one that puzzles us 
 more than all the reft j and I (hall therefore 
 give you the arguments made ufe of by the 
 feveral difputants, that you may have fair 
 play in anfwering it. The queftion is this : 
 what is the right meaning of the word SUN- 
 DAY, and how fhould it be fpelt. Tom Vice 
 the blackfmith's fon, fays it fhould be SIN- 
 DAY ; either becaufe it is the day when folks 
 pretend repentance for the fins of the whole 
 week, that they may go off afrefh ; or elfe, 
 becaufe his father is more finfull that day 
 than all the other fix put together ; for 'he re- 
 gularly gets drunk every Sunday after even- 
 ing fervice, and beats his wife and family for 
 want of fomething to do. Simon, the fon of 
 the Widow Method, who goes to the taber- 
 nacle, fays, that it fhould be fpelt SOME- 
 DAY ; becaufe 'tis proper there fhould be 
 fomeday in the week different from the reft. 
 But little Bob Amen, the clerk's fon, is fure 
 it (hould be fpelt SUMDAY, for two reafons ; 
 firft, becaufe his father fettles half the books 
 of the tradefmen in town j and he has often 
 
 told
 
 NO.-O. VARIETY. 67 
 
 L 
 
 I told him, that 'tis the only day, when people 
 
 in bulincfs can find time to fum up all their 
 accounts. And Secondly, becaufe let the 
 poor people earn ever fo much money in the 
 week, the whole fum is often fpent at the ale- 
 houfe in that one afternoon. I'm fure poor 
 
 -.Bob's father makes it his weekly practice, for 
 the boy is the raggedeft in the whole parifh ; 
 but his father is a fad idle fellow, and never 
 touches the fhuttle if he can get a penny by 
 his quill. 
 
 THERE are various other conjectures 
 about fpelling the word; and arguments 
 
 I in favour of SONDAY, and SOONDAY, and 
 ZONDAY ; but as they were lefs to the pur- 
 pofe, 1 {hall only trouble you with my opi- 
 nion, viz. that it is right fpelt in the com- 
 mon way, SUNDAY ; not as fome tell us, be- 
 caufe Chriftians formerly worfhipped the fun 
 on that day ; for that, can never have been. 
 The poor were never fo ignorant as to wor- 
 fhip the Sun and Moon. No ! though they 
 had no Sunday Schools formerly, yet they had 
 always preachers to tell 'em what was what ; 
 but fome folks fancy, when a man can't read, 
 that he does not know the moon from a pew- 
 ter plate, or the fun from a cotton fix. Now 
 I take it that 'tis call'd SUNDAY ; becaufe 
 ibe Cunihines ofteper on Sundays than on 
 
 any
 
 68 VARIETY. No. g. 
 
 any other day in the week; atleaft, if you will 
 believe the farmers ; for when their hay or 
 corn harveft is about in fickle weather, they 
 grumble forely every Saturday night, to 
 think they mud let it lie till a rainy Monday. 
 Pray, Sir, tell me which of us is right; for 
 though I am the forwardeft boy in the whole 
 kit, I may be wrong in fpellinga word fome- 
 times ; and fo pleafe to excufe bad fpelling, 
 and truft me, I will never be any thing elfe, 
 but 
 
 S I R, 
 Your fervant to command, 
 
 TIMOTHY TAKE-IT-A-PACE, 
 
 P. S. There is no ca/hion to fkuze bad fpelling, for 
 'the Dover's Huflikeeper, Madam Wheedle, has dun 
 the job for me ; and I beam nire /he deant du as mutch 
 for the Dofter when he pufliblift his laft Sarrrion pon 
 Sunday Scools, for file's a mortal cleaver of a woman, 
 and got all her know when flie was very yung mung 
 the charity boys. 
 
 MY
 
 VARIETY. 
 
 MY friend Timothy's ludicrous letter 
 {hall have a ferious ' anfwer, nor let any 
 one be offended at the contraft when he re- 
 flects that I profefs Variety, Doubtlefs there 
 will be fome well difpofed perfons, to whom I 
 (hall give more offence by the matter^ than the 
 manner of this difquifition ; but to fuch I 
 fhall only apologize, by jelling them, that, 
 amidft a Variety of opinions, truth may b& 
 difcovered. The Sunday,' or more properly, 
 the Sabbath, is an inftitution coeval with the 
 creation itfelf, and fan&ified by an exprefs 
 commandment in the decalogue, as a day of 
 reft fr cm all labour. No people profeffing any 
 religion have hefitated to obey this injunction, 
 founded on the trueffc policy, and originating 
 in particular benevolence ; although various 
 have been the opinions refpe&ing the manner 
 in which it fhould be di.ftinguiftied from the 
 reft, and many differ In the day of the week 
 in which it ought to be celebrated. The 
 Tu>ks hold the Sabbath on Friday, the Jcivs 
 and one feet of CLriflians c-n Saturday, and the 
 generality of Chriftians on Sunday. But all 
 agree in confidering it as a day of relaxation 
 from the labours of the week j and this refpite 
 from toil is not only extended to. man, but to 
 W>, all
 
 70 VARIETY. No. 9. 
 
 all the animals which his ingenuity has ren- 
 dered fubfervient to him. The SUPREME 
 LAWGIVER forefeeing that without fuch re- 
 pofe, neither man nor beaft could long 
 endure the fatigue of conftant exertion. The 
 command for the obfervance of this day is 
 exprefied in the moft unequivocal terms, 
 
 THOU SHALT DO NO MANNER OF WORK," 
 
 to which Puritans have added, '* nor plaj nei- 
 " ther." I cannot but fmile at the abfurdity 
 of thefe pious Vifionaries, who have convert- 
 ed the mandate of Benevolence, to the pur- 
 pofes of gloomy fuperftition. The Sabbath 
 which in all other countries, is a day of fefti- 
 vity and harmlefs joy, is here become a fcene 
 of cheerlefs ftupidity; and the profeflbrs of a 
 religion which teaches us to rejoice with 
 them that rejoice, fet one day in feven apart 
 to look grave, to feel melancholy, and to go 
 about forrowing, that they may find occafion 
 to weep with thofe that weep. This practice 
 is by no means authorifed by that of the pri- 
 mitive Chriftians, for they would not allow 
 any fymptom of humility to cloud the fun- 
 ihine of that mirthful day; they even con- 
 demned the act of kneeling on the Sabbath, 
 and prayers were faid in all their congregati- 
 ons in a ftanding pofture ; nay, during the 
 
 moft
 
 No. 9 . V A R I E T Y. 7I 
 
 mod rigorous obfervance of the fafts of Lent, 
 the SUNDAY was confidered as a day of feaft- 
 ing>, the fame opinions ftill maintain their 
 influence on the Continent, where Puritanifm 
 has not fpread its narcotic poifon ; all fefts of 
 Chrirtians, whether Papifts or Proteftants, 
 folemnize the day with feafting and with 
 mirth, with the found of the tabor and with 
 merry dance and fong ; fuch, indeed, was the 
 cuftom of our anceftors, " for James I. in 
 " the year 1618, publicly declared to his 
 " fubjefts, in what was called CfcC J$QOft 
 " Of ^pQf t. thefe games following to be 
 " lawful, viz. dancing, archery, leaping, 
 " vaulting, may-games, whitfon-ales, and 
 " morris-dances ; and did command that no 
 " fuch honeft mirth and recreation fhould be 
 " forbidden to his fubjeds after evening 
 " fervice." This laudable permiffion is ftill 
 accepted in fome few parts of the kingdom ; 
 where we fee the village 'Squire calling forth 
 ;the manly aftivity of his healthy neighbours 
 to fport upon his lawn, and make his fields 
 alive with rural emulation ; in thefe diftri&s 
 no man prefumes to bear his part in the 
 amufciEents of the day, who has not pre- 
 iVioufly recorded his appearance in the Tem- 
 iple of his God ; for it is reafonable that fome 
 
 part
 
 7* V~ A R I E T Y. No. 9. 
 
 part of the Sabbath, fliould be dedicated in 
 prayer and thankfgiving to the Lord of the 
 Sabbath ; but that the whole day fliould be 
 a feries of religious meditations and cnthufi- 
 aftic fervor, could only be the confequcnce 
 of that misconceiving zeal, which is a dif- 
 grace to genuine Chriftianity. 
 
 IN a political view we experience its evil 
 confequences ; all levity and diflipation being 
 banifhed from the Sunday, our artificers 
 to whom recreatjon is as neceflary as reft, 
 make up this lofs by borrowing from the' 
 two adjoining days : thus St. Saturday and 
 St. Monday, are moft religioufly obferved in 
 our large manufacturing towns. Inftead, 
 therefore of Sunday Schools, and evening 
 lectures, let all ranks attend divine fervice,' 
 at leaft once in the day ; and having done fo,' 
 let the evening be rendered cheerful by pub- 
 lick demonftrations of happinefs ; not by that 
 fallen drunkennefs which fecret folace pro- 
 motes. " Let the poor of each village fol- 
 " low the jocund Rebeck, and join the' 
 " fprightly dance :" then will they return to 
 their labours with the Monday morning's 
 dawn ; and having finiflied a fix days taflc, 
 will look forward to the Sunday as a -day of 
 reft, and deliverance from all their cares. 
 
 NUM.
 
 No. 10, VARIETY. 73 
 
 NUMBER X. 
 
 H E univerfal defire of appearing what 
 we are jiot, has been a common theme 
 with all writers; but while its prevalence 
 convinces us that it is in fome meafure natu- 
 ral to man, the variety of examples which 
 may hourly be adduced, will juftify the re- 
 peated mention of fo hackneyed a fubjecl. 
 We not only fee people of all defcriptions 
 ftriving to impofe on others, a belief of their 
 own riches, virtue, importance or underftand- 
 :ng; but aaually firuggling to appear happy 
 n the mi<lft of mifery, and cheerfully con- 
 :ented with a lot, which they are for ever 
 viflimg arvd endeavouring to render lefs - 
 rkfome. 
 
 WHAT heightens the abfurdity of this 
 is, an attempt in fome men to 
 impofe
 
 74. VARIETY. No. 10. 
 
 impofe an appearance of happinefs from the 
 pofleflion of qualities, which they really do 
 not even wljb to pojfcfs. Such is the cha- 
 racter of CHARLES EASY, who pretends never 
 to be moved by the objccls around him, who. 
 publicly defpifes the influence of the paflions, 
 and ridicules the idea of feeling for another's 
 concerns j he infmuates that to be anxious for 
 what does not immediately relate to a man's 
 own felf, is ridiculous and beneath the digni- 
 ty of a rational being j but maintains that a 
 man of moderate fortune, may pafs through 
 life without trouble, and without anxiety, if he 
 can acquire perfect indifference ; and he is for 
 ever labouring to convince his friends, that 
 he poffefles this quality in the higheft degree. 
 I have many years been intimate with 
 Charles, and a fhort acquaintance difcovered 
 the contradictions of his life and profeffions ; 
 he has a heart to feel what his pride endea-: 
 vours to difguife, and his honeft commiferati-j 
 on breaks forth in the midft of his counterfeit 
 indifference ; I have feen him fudderily arife 
 with an air of afiumed infenfibility, at there-] 
 cital of a tender tale, to hide the tear that'.] 
 gliftened in his eye. If the diftrcfs of any ha- 
 man being is related in his prefence, he will] 
 coldly reply, that " people are apt to make 
 
 " the !
 
 No. 10. VARIETY. 75 
 
 " moft of fuch things;" but having artfully 
 become informed of the fcene of wretch- 
 ednefs, I have occafionally dotted him in 
 the aa of vifiting and relieving the unfortu* 
 nate fufferers, while he excufed his tenderncfs 
 by a carelefs avowal of mere curiofity ; 
 nor are his attentions confined to thofe of his 
 own fpecies only, for 1 once faw him eagerly 
 fpring forth to deliver a fly from the cruel 
 gripe of a fpider ; yet when 1 commended his 
 generofity, he aflured me that the only mo- 
 tive for his condua, was the diflbnant buzzing 
 of the captive animal. Thus does my friend 
 pafs his life in contriving excufes, for 
 being aauated by the brighteft ornament 
 * human nature ; and prides himfelf in a dif- 
 fembled unconcernednefs, whkh he knows 
 he /hould be miferable in really pofleffing. 
 ON the contrary, old ALLSHEW is con- 
 
 nually preaching up the charms of Benevo- 
 pence, and aflerts that all happinefs confifts in 
 ood nature, which he fays, includes every 
 hing that is meant by the charity of Chriftian 
 nd the philanthropy of Heathen Philofo- 
 hers; yet is this man a flave to envy, 
 o refentment, and to fpleen, imperious in his 
 nily, cruel to his dependants, and quarrel, 
 ome to his acquaintance, continually J a , 
 ^ 2 menting
 
 7 6 V A R I E T Y. No. 10, 
 
 meriting the infults of the world, and the ma- 
 lignity of others, and profefiing that hf alone 
 is happy, by the habit of putting; favourable 
 conftru&ions on premeditated affronts, and 
 parrying inful-t by the guard of good nature ; 
 yet do his captioufnefs, his infolence, and his 
 pride, expofe him to attacks, which his 
 implacable refentmen-t converts to never ceaf- 
 ing hatred. 
 
 SQUIRE BIG is confcious that he left the 
 county in which his family had long refided, 
 becaufe the neighbourhood refufed him that 
 refpeer, to which neither his rank, fortune, 
 nor undemanding, had ever entitled him ; yet 
 is he continually boafling of influence which ' 
 he dares not return to exert, and of import- 
 ance which he never means to refume; folicit- 
 ous to imprefs on others a fenfe of his own 
 confequence, and to convince the world that 
 he is fomebody when at home; while he is 
 eonfuming with melancholy at his own infig- 
 nificance, and only exifts to difguile the fatal 
 truth that he is aclually nobody any where. 
 
 POOR NED CRAMP is a good natured J 
 thoughtlefs fellow, who has fquandered away' ] 
 a fmall fortune, to make the world think he 
 liad a large one ; he talks of money in the | 
 funds which he has long ibid out, and I 
 
 laments I
 
 
 No. ib. VARIETY. 7? 
 
 laments the tardinefs of tenants, whofe rents 
 he long fince afligned to fatisfy his creditors j 
 he is conftantly advifing with his friends how 
 to put out fums on the beft fecurity, while he 
 is actually borrowing money at exorbitant in- 
 tereft ; he talks of prudence and ceconomy as 
 " things well enough for people in narrow 
 " circumftances," but thanks Heaven " he 
 " has no need of fuch virtues to fecure the 
 " permanency of his happinefs," nor is he 
 induced to impofe on others to fupport a falfe 
 credit, or to indulge extravagance, but to gra- 
 tify the vain defire of being thought a monied 
 man. Thus does he wafte hi* days in mifery r 
 that he may be deemed happy, and will end 
 them in poverty, that he may be efteemed 
 affluent. 
 
 DOCTOR D * * has but one topic m 
 all companies; a few minutes converfation 
 will bring round his favourite fubjecl, and 
 you foon difcover, that implicit obedience in a 
 wife, and the ftriteft fubordination to her 
 lufband, conftitute a!l his ideas of domeftic 
 lappinefs; his greateft glory feems to arife 
 rom the confcioufnefs that he is abfolute 
 Tialler in his own family: of this boafted fu- 
 seriority his friends can feldom bear witnefs, 
 [Jor he rarely invites them to his houfe. Hav- 
 E 3 ing
 
 {? VARIETY. No. 10. 
 
 ing dined there lately, I perceived his reafon, 
 for during the repaft, while he was conftantly 
 engaged in aflerting his authority, his wife 
 was as anxious to difpute it, and the com- 
 forts of conviviality were baniflied by this do- 
 meftic contention, which gradually increafed 
 till the Lady left the table. However, the 
 Doftor triumphed in this victory, I could dif- 
 eover that he dreaded (he would return to the 
 combat, and that the fufpenfion of hoftilities 
 would end with my vifit. 
 
 THERE can be no fituation, however ele- 
 vated, that will infure continual happinefs ; 
 nor any fo abject as to be without enjoyment j 
 indeed happinefs and mifery feem fo necefla- 
 rily united, that they are equally difperfed 
 through all ranks of fociety ; and though 
 we cannot perfuade ourfelves we are content 
 dr happy, we wifti to conceal from others 
 every appearance to the contrary ; we de- 
 rive happinefs from being thought to pofTefs 
 it, and comfort ourfelves in wretchedneis if 
 we can difguife it from others. 
 
 I SHALL conclude my examples of fecming 
 contentment, with a letter from one, who 
 can have little reafon to difguifc the fenfe . 
 of his melancholy fituation: it is from 
 a criminal under lentence of twelve months 
 
 confinement :
 
 No. 10. VARIETY. 79 
 
 confinement in a folitary cell of a county 
 prifon; he is without friends, without pro- 
 perty, without character, and without any 
 neceflary of life except the fcanty allowance 
 which hard labour procures midft the horrors 
 of a dungeon; 'yet he wrote the following 
 letter, and delivered it to the Keeper to 
 be forwarded to a brother at a diftance. 
 
 " DEAR JACK, 
 
 " THIS comes with my kind love, hoping 
 it will find you in good health and fpirits, 
 as it leaves me at this prefent writing, thanks 
 to nobody for it ; I live in a pleafant part 
 of the kingdom here, and only for the 
 diftance between us not fo much amifs ; the 
 people are not over and above fociable, 
 and fo I never mixes with none of 'em ; work 
 is in great plenty here, and provifions coft 
 us nothing; the houfe I live in is newly 
 built, and they fay 'tis one of the beft of the 
 fort in all England, for they can make 
 up better than forty feparate bed rooms every 
 night. I was forry to hear poor Bob was 
 catched-out laft Affixes ; but no matter 
 for that, they fay Botany Bay is a rare coun- 
 E 4 try,
 
 go VARIETY. No. 10. 
 
 try, and worth while to go on purpofe to fee, 
 for 'tis quite another world. And fo hoping 
 we may all go there one time or other, 
 this concludes me, 
 
 Dear JACK, 
 
 Your's till death, 
 
 TOM FILCH." 
 
 P. S. Direct to me, at A* * Bridewell, 
 where I have fallen into a job of work, 
 that will hold me beft part of next winter. 
 
 NUM.
 
 No. u. VARIETY. 81 
 
 NUMBER XI. 
 
 Mr. WEATHERCOCK. 
 S I R, 
 
 "\7 O U R predeceflbrs have all attempted 
 * to fix a ftandard of wit t frequently at- 
 tempting to confine, what feems uncontroul- 
 i able, and to give definitions of what is in- 
 defineable, becaufe it is rather to be felt than 
 dcfcribed ; befides, wit is as much under the 
 .dominion of fafhion, as a cap or a petticoat, 
 a phyfician or a bathing place ; and what one 
 century applauds, becomes vulgar, low, and; 
 Idefpicable in the next. The Spectator has 
 in a feries of eflays, laboured to fliew of what 
 Writ does not confift ; but I have often confi- 
 dered him as too fevereon one fpecies Qf wit, 
 which is purely colloquial, ,and what is only 
 E 5 calculated.
 
 82 VARIETY. No. 
 
 ii. 
 
 calculated for converfation, authors are apt 
 tf confldcr with contempt ; without reflect- 
 ing that though many can talk, few cart 
 write, and there are degrees of excellence in. 
 both. We may compare the feveral fpecies of 
 writing or talking with each other, in fome- 
 thing like the following manner : 
 A Tragedy to an interesting or melancholy 
 
 fad well told. 
 A Comedy to a laughable event related 
 
 with humour. 
 A Hiftory or Voyage to a long {lory of a 
 
 man's felf, or his family. 
 A Satyr or Lampoon to the fame thing, but 
 
 told of other people. 
 An Elegy to a lamentation, or 'oCcafional 
 
 complaining. 
 A Sonnet to a declaration of manly fenti- 
 
 n,i uts, ojr tender p'affions. 
 A Sermonto a curtain-leclure, that produ- 
 ces uneafy fleep. 
 
 And an Epigram may be compared" to a pun, 
 Yes Sir", a pun*, Now whether Mr. 
 ^TEATHERCOCK, 'you are a 'purifier or nor, | 
 as, you pr'ofeis Variety, I expect you will I 
 patiently hear my vindication of this very 
 aqtient, very ingenipus, and very laughter- 
 caufing branch of the fcience of chit- 
 
 thouj;!
 
 No. ii. VARIETY. 83 
 
 though in dire& oppofition to the mighty 
 Dean, who denounced " God's judgment again/} 
 pun/ten." e. 
 
 You fee. I have ranked the pun in conver- 
 fation, with the epigram in compofition ; 
 and ta expect all the requifites of facial lan- 
 guage from a punfter, would be as unreafon- 
 able, as to expect a comedy from an epi- 
 grgmmatirr. But there, is this material dif- 
 ference betwixt a pun and an epigram, in 
 favour of the former; viz. that whether a 
 pun be. very good> or very bad, it is allowed 
 to anfwer the end of its creation, by produc- 
 ing either furprize or laughter. 
 
 I CAN, fee no reafon why in our own times 
 we fhould be fo faftidious about punning in 
 .con verfation,. when we have the authority of 
 &he higheft antiquity, as well as that of ages 
 mmediately preceding our own, to fuppofe r 
 ;hat the gr^atcft and wifeft- men, occafion- 
 aily indulged in this derided exercife ; and 
 jnce we find frequent fpecimens of puns in 
 $he beft writers, both facred and prophanc, 
 t .is furely a very poor excufe to fay, that it 
 proceeded from a compliance with the.df~ 
 graved cuftoms ef the times; for .if thofe 
 times \vqrefufficientlycprre61:, to afford ex- 
 amples of eloquence, wit, and humour, 
 E 6 wh
 
 H 4 VARIETY. No. IK 
 
 why fhould we be fo fqueamifti as to refufea 
 place, to any fpccies in the catalogue of 
 wit? Our beft dramatic authors abound with 
 puns, becaufe they defcribe the converfation 
 of the times; nor was this kind of wit appli- 
 cable to clowns only, for we find it in the 
 mouths of kings and princes. Hamlet fpeak- 
 ing of the king his uncle, who was become 
 his mother's hufband, and whofe perfidy and 
 hatred he fufpefted, calls him, " a littk more 
 * than kin, but Ufs than kind." Every 
 fchool-boy is delighted with the ingenuity of 
 the allufion to two words ; one of four letters, 
 and the other of three i by which Hamlet ex- 
 prefles, that the king was more than merely 
 of kin or related, though not fo much as 
 poffeffing one kind affectionate regard ; but 
 before the boy can well comprehend the 
 meaning, he is told it is an execrable pun. 
 
 HOMER makes ULYSSES call himfelf NO- 
 MAN, that when the Giant bewails the lofs 
 of his eye, it may appear accidental by his 
 faying, that NO man had put it out. HOMER 
 and SHAKESPEARE; are great authorities, and 
 if their puns are not more frequent ; much 
 may be attributed to the nature of a pun, 
 which like an extempore, lofes its force by 
 being written, But while modern criticks 
 
 ridicule
 
 No, u. V A R I E T Y. 85 
 
 ridicule the ufe of punning, let them re- 
 member that the Pope holds his fupremacy 
 over the Church of Rome, from an expreff- 
 ion in the i8th verfe of the i6th chapter of 
 St. Matthew. " Tu es Petrus, et fuper 
 44 hanc Petram aedificabo meam Eclefiam." 
 Which the French render thus : " Tu es 
 * Pierre & fur cette Pierre, j'edifierai mon 
 " Eglife." Where the allulion to the two 
 words, Peter and a rock^ would now be 
 called a pun ; for I muft explain to the mere 
 Englifti reader, that in moft European lan- 
 guages, thefe two words are exprefled by 
 founds nearly fimiliar, though it does not 
 hold in Englifh ; and this gave occafion to a 
 French bigot to declare, " that the Englifh 
 *' nation muft have been predeftinated here- 
 41 tics, flnce their very language would not 
 4< allow them to underftand and acknovv- 
 * ledge, the origin of that power which the 
 44 Holy See affumes." If neither HOMER, 
 nor SHAKESPEARE, nor the Sacred Writ- 
 ings, can do away the obloquy caft on pun- 
 ning by the SPECTATOR, I will prove that 
 one of thofe few inftances, in which he 
 departed from his ufual taciturnity was to 
 titter a PUN. Every admirer of that excel- 
 lent Eflayefr, will recollect the anfwer made
 
 26 .V A R I E T Y. No. ir. 
 
 .by him'refpecting a fign, in which Sir Roger 
 de Coverley's portrait had been changed to a 
 Saracen's head; when the Knight afking the 
 Spectator which it was moft like* he replied, 
 " much might be faid on both fides," Fere 
 is manifeftly a punning allufion to the two 
 fides of the projecting fign, as well /as the 
 propofed queftion ; for had the- fign been 
 faftened flat againft the wall of the houfe, as 
 figns are at prefent, the wit .of the reply 
 would have been all on one fide, : and as, a 
 punfter would fay, "very flat." I may alfo 
 refer the reader to Np,.-454,; and a letter in. 
 455, befides many other papers in the Spec- 
 tator, for puns which afford delight. In the 
 Tatler, the account of the Staff and Ex-fam- 
 ilies are ftrings of puns. See No. u,. 35, 
 49, and 54., in the firft .vol. only>- it } e%) ij ^H 
 . I DO no? pretend to vindicate punfters on 
 all occasions, but 1 wifh to fnatch them from 
 the contemptuourS fneer of thofe dull dogs ir> 
 focietv,; who: bei'ngiunable to raife a laugh 
 themfel.ves, are envious lat every atternp.t to 
 dor f-. in.;another ; ^or thpfe keen witiiiigsv 
 whole .brilliancy.of imagination, enables them 
 Jiyi an unexpected repartee, to turn;the fliafts. 
 of ridicule on every object around theni. No 
 fpccies of wit can- be ,at.all times welcome - y 
 
 the
 
 No. ii. V A R I E T Y. S 7 
 
 the moil inoffenfive joke, becomes infulf in 
 the houfe of mourning; and a pun may be 
 hardly, tolerable in the moment of terror or 
 calamity. Such was the cafe a few nights 
 tgoi,i when I was taking flicker. : with. iny 
 friend QUIBBLE under a, lime treej the 
 thunder rolled inceflantly tremendour, and 
 while the vivid lightning illumined all the 
 horizon; I pbferved that there was fomething 
 very juklime in the fcene around us : "lit^r- 
 ^ z\\y fublime," faid he, "for we are ftand-i 
 ing under a lime tree." I was more pleafe'd 
 with my friend on another occafion : when 
 we had a full hour been expofed to the dull 
 metaphyficks of a profefTed deift, who wound, 
 up his argument by fay in 2:, *' we may talk 
 Ct of faith, and repeat a creed by rote like a 
 parrot j but anfwer me this: is it poflible 
 for reafon to believe incredibilities?" 
 QUIBBLE anfwered r " I believe in creed abili- 
 ties to remove doubts, which reafon may 
 '*. fuggeft, but can never fatisfy." The 
 philolopher turned on his heel with contempt 
 and mortification ; obferving, if w'as in vain 
 to argue with a punfler : while I rejoiced at 
 any means of putting an end to fo tireibme 
 an oration. 
 
 A WELL
 
 8& VARIETY. No. u. 
 
 ' A WELL timed pun is often the fource of 
 merriment, as I before obferved, whether 
 it be very good, or very bad j and it is 
 a fpecies of wit much oftner ufed by good 
 authors, than is at firft imagined, or than 
 fome will allow ; for a pun may be defined,. 
 *-* the incongruous comparison, or combination of 
 <{ fiwilar founds > conveying different ideas-" 
 fuch for inftance, are often the fictitious 
 proper names of feigned perfons in all works 
 of invention, and the dramatis perfonae of a> 
 play, is frequently nothing more than a firing, 
 of well -adapted puns. 
 
 Mafkwell is a villian in difguife,. 
 Touchwood is one eafily kindled by the-- 
 
 flame of love. 
 Carelefs is a plain eafy unaffected cha* 
 
 racier. 
 Brifk reminds us of the fudden effervef*- 
 
 cence of cyder or champaign. 
 Froth is more like the permanent empti 
 
 nefs of a whip'd fyllabub. 
 And Plyant -conveys the idea of extreme 
 
 duclilHty. 
 
 Yet
 
 NP. it. VARIETY, 8g 
 
 Yet are all thefe words, which we have no re- 
 pugnance to admit as proper names of men 
 and women. Of the fame kind are the Spe&a- 
 tor's CAPTAIN SENTRY, for an officer in the 
 army ; and Sir ANDREW FREEPORT, for a 
 wealthy merchant. In this more exalted 
 fpecies of punning, no man has been more 
 fuccefsful than the lively author of the New 
 Bath Guide ; and I appeal to the readers of 
 that exquifite performance, whether the plea- 
 fure they received from its perufal, has not 
 been often heightened by the ludicrous allufi- 
 ons in the names of the characters defcribed. 
 HAVING faid fo much in favour of punning, 
 I will allow that a mere punjler, may be a nui- 
 fance to fociety. By this, I mean one who is 
 for ever on the look out to entrap a poor fingle 
 inoffenfive word, and torture it into fomenew 
 ftrange meaning ; who never gives an anfwer 
 without a quibble j who confiders thew0tt/f, 
 .and not the matter of converfation ; and who 
 feems liftening to an argument, while he is 
 only ringing changes on the words and fyl- 
 lables of which it is compofed. Such a one, 
 though he may by chance excite merriment, 
 py blundering on fomething ludicrous, be- 
 comes tirefome by conflant efforts to fur- 
 
 prize,
 
 9 o V A R I E T Y. No. n. 
 
 prize, and tedious by repeated failure. 
 While I condemn the mere pun/ler, I will 
 not forget that I arn the champion of punning 
 as an occafional fource of Variety, furprize,. 
 and cheerfulnefs in convivial meetings; but 
 the effence of a good or bad pun, confifts in 
 its novelty, and the unexpected manner in 
 which it is produced. Who could have refrain- 
 ed from fmiling, had he been prefent, wrren a 
 traveller accidentally met and afked another, if 
 he intended to "make any ftay at Cambridge?" 
 to which he abruptly replied, " Sir ! do you 
 ?' take me for a ftay-makcr ?" Or who but 
 would have acknowledged ingenuity in the 
 boy^ who excufed a vulgar illiterate lad 
 for defacing a mile-ftone, by faying, " that 
 " he had proved great proficiency in arith- 
 '* metic, who could f 3 eafily reduce figures by 
 " vulgar fractions." 
 
 I SHALL at once explain the origin of 
 my partiality for punning, when I inform 
 you that I belong to the Herald's Office ; 
 wher^the mottos, and bearings, and names, 
 of great families, afford inexhauftible ex- 
 amples of this ancient fcience. If I find 
 you take notice of this, I may, perhaps 
 at a leifure hour, look into our boo 
 
 refpedi 
 
 nd 
 
 !
 
 too. ii. V A R I E T Y. 91 
 
 refpe&ing your own name and family, 
 and gratify you with a more ample ac- 
 count and genealogy, than private records 
 an fupply. And fo 
 
 Dear Sir, 
 Yours, 
 PHILIP PHILOPUN. 
 
 N U M-
 
 9 a V A R I T Y, No. 
 
 ' 
 
 NUMBER XII. 
 
 appears to be no Flee to which 
 X mankind is fubjecl, but there is alfo 
 feme Firtuey which is exa&ly its reverfe :. 
 thus, Courage is the oppofite to Cowardice,, 
 Modejly to Impudence, Humility to Pride^ and 
 Integrity to Deceitfulnefs ; but it does not al- 
 ways happen, that each Virtue is confidercd' 
 amiable in proportion as its oppofite Vice 
 is deemed deteftable. Is it that Men love ra-* 
 ther to condemn than praife ? In other words,, 
 that to punifh evil with reproach, is more 
 congenial to our nature, than to reward the 
 good with commendation ? or, is the world 
 in general, fo good, that inftances of vicious 
 conduit being rare, we feize more eagerly 
 the opportunities of cenfure, than applaufe? 
 I am led to this train of thought by having 
 frequently obferved how different is the treat- i 
 
 meufr .
 
 No. 12. V A R I E T Y. 93 
 
 ment of Gratitude and Ingratitude; the latter 
 is juftly execrated as the blackefl vice that 
 can difgrace the human breaft. '* Ingrati- 
 tude," fays Shakefpeare, ** is as if this mouth 
 *' fhould tear this hand for feeding it;" yet 
 its oppofite, Virtue, is feldom honoured with 
 -the "meed of praife;'' and the moft ge- 
 nerous fervice that a man may render to his 
 benefactor, is damped by the cold and chill- 
 ing remark, ** that he has only done his 
 * duty." 
 
 IF in all the occurrences of our refponfi- 
 jbility, we could enfure ourfelves this feem- 
 iingly fcanty pittance of reward, we might 
 pals through life with fatisfa&ion, and meet 
 icveii death without a fear; but while fo few 
 can boait that they have done their duty, it is 
 invidious to withdraw our warm applaufe 
 from thofe whofe ^conduft may deferve it. 
 Great opportunities of exercifing Virtue, do 
 not prefent themfelves every day; but our 
 igratitude can never long remain inactive : 
 [there is hardly a moment of our lives, but 
 jmay remind us of benefits received, and obli- 
 ijgations due. The truly pious man, will ne- 
 ver retire to reft, or wake from fleep, but 
 .with thankfgiving to that BEING, who dif- 
 - ..:". ^.J^iV*.-. /-.*.. ft,|t penfes
 
 $4 V A R I E T Y. No. 12, 
 
 penfes happinefs with life, and makes adver- 1 
 fity itfelf a fource of future blefling. 
 
 INGRATITUDE is a conftant fubjel ofj 
 complaint with all mankind; and this, Ij 
 fear, proceeds from their being more fenfible 
 of the benefits conferred by them, than of | 
 thofe which they receive. If a man do a 
 good office, he never forgets that he has done 
 it, he never fees the perfon whom he has 
 obliged, but with a felf congratulation of 
 applaufe; on the contrary, if he receive an 
 obligation from another, he may exprefs a 
 fenfe of gratitude, at firft, with fervour per- 
 haps unfeigned ; but time fo moderates the 
 ardour of this fenfe, that he at length forgets 
 his benefactor, and even views him with in- 
 dignation if he but difcontinues'for a while 
 his wonted favours. My friend Aimwell 
 complained to me of the ungrateful treatment 
 he fuffered from the tradefmen of the neigh- 
 bouring market town. The grocer, who at 
 firft bowed to the earth with gratitude, for 
 the honour of rankingthe 'Squire amongft his 
 cuftomers j becaufe he occafionally fupplied 
 the Hall with certain petty articles : now that 
 he furniflies almoft every thing, mutters to 
 the fteward, becaufe the tea ufed in the fa-*' 
 mily is bought elfewhere. And the butcher, 
 
 who
 
 No. 12. V A R I E T Y. 95 
 
 who fupplies the houfe with meat, claims the 
 liberty of courfing, when he pleafes, in the 
 park and fields adjoining; and though he 
 owes his exiftence, as a tradefman, to the 
 'Squire, yet he refents (as publickly as he 
 dares) the meffage of the Keeper, to remove 
 his fports to greater diftance : forgetful of 
 the conftant debt of gratitude, he confiders as 
 an injury, the refufal of that priviledge, 
 which he would not prefume to expect, but 
 from a caufe that ought to make him the 
 more grateful. 
 
 THIS fort of ingratitude is much more uni-' 
 verfal than we at firft imagine ; for I confider 
 as very nearly allied to it, every faftidious or 
 unreafonable propenflty, whether relating to 
 man or beaft, or even to inanimate objects, 
 'which leads us to expect more^ becaufe much 
 iis already given : thus while we look on a 
 jwell painted picture, if any little diftortion 
 of a limb, or error in the drawing, be difco- 
 ivered, we turn from it with difguft, regard- 
 lefs of the numerous excellencies with which 
 it may otherwife abound. 
 
 THOSE who have moft to give, are moft 
 piktly to complain of man's ingratitude; for 
 phis reafon a king obferved, that his power of 
 \tifpenfmg favours, was the moft painful tajk of 
 
 royalty,
 
 9 6 V A R I E T Y. No. 12. 
 
 royalty, fence be never gave a place awny, but bt 
 made ninety-nine dlf contented-, and one ungrate- 
 ful fubjeft. Nearly to the fame purpole, was 
 my Lord B 's anfwer, on being afked why 
 he difcontinued giving annual balls ? He 
 faid, " that his rooms were not large enough 
 " to contain more than two hundred per- 
 " fons ; and that he feared making all above 
 " that number, who were his friends, his 
 '* enemies ; for he had obferved, that thofe 
 " ladies who were invited, forget it before 
 " next year ; but thofe who were not invit- 
 " ed, never forget it while they live." 
 
 I will conclude my obfervations on this 
 fubjec"r, by defcribing the character of a cler- 
 gyman, now actually living in the county of 
 Norfolk; but whofe real name I fhall difguife 
 under that of EUCHARIS. This gentleman 
 was early in life prefented to the adjoining 
 Reaories of B * * * and B * *, by a pa- 
 tron, who at that time was unmarried ; and 
 therefore had no idea of fecuring a reverfion 
 of the livings to a younger fon ; and Eu-* 
 charis has now enjoyed the benefice full 
 thirty years. Being hofpitable with cecono- 
 my, and charitable with prudence, the in4 
 come of his living, with fome private fortune^ 
 have enabled him to live in fplendid afflu-, 
 
 ence,
 
 No, 12. V A R I E T Y. "97 
 
 ence, and leave a faving every year for ex- 
 jtraordinary purpofes, which gratitude has 
 jointed out. He firft confldcred the heaven- 
 y Mafter whom he ferves, as his original and 
 greateft patron ; and, though his piety would 
 check the prcfumption of repaying for the 
 jleflings he enjoys; yet he knows, that every 
 ittempt in man to {hew his gratitude, is ac- 
 :eptable in the fight of Heaven. With this 
 fiew, he has confecrated part of the annual 
 avings of his income to repair an ancient 
 Gothic ftruciure, where he exhorts his flock 
 :o worfhip ; and has actually expended many 
 lundred pounds to reflore and beautify the 
 emple of his GOD. This fingular a6l of 
 >iety was fecrctly conducled, he raifed an 
 nnual fum from his parifhioners, that he 
 night not be fufpected of the far, and cele- 
 >rates the rebuilding of the church, as the 
 ffe& of voluntary contribution ; nor did he 
 leglecl: any other duties of a Chriftian, to 
 ave the money fo appropriated ; for his pri- 
 ate well directed charities, amount to nearly 
 lalf his income : his barns and ftore-houfes 
 re a repofitory for the induftrious poor, who 
 uy of him all the neceflaries of life, at a 
 )rice confiderably lefs than what he pays for 
 hem : he never gives money to the idle, btit 
 F liberally
 
 9 8 VARIETY. No. 12. 
 
 liberally recompenfes labour, and relieves 
 with tendernefs, the wants of age, of fick- 
 nefs, and infirmity, demonftrating true grati- 
 ticude to Heaven, by acts of charity to man. 
 HE has {hewn in a manner, almoft unpre- 
 cedented, his gratitude to his earthly patron : 
 that gentleman died about ten years fince, 
 leaving an eftate entailed on his eldeft fon, 
 and three other boys fo fcantily provided for, 
 that they could ill afford the expence of a 
 learned education. EUCHARIS knew this, 
 and taking them to the Parfonage, he con-; 
 fidered them all as part of his own family; 
 inftru&ed them in the learned languages 
 himfelf, and fent them to the Univerfity to 
 qualify them for orders, that they might inj 
 time fill thofe benefices which are in the giftj 
 of their elder brother. Nay, he has done 
 more, he has actually refigned one of thofe 
 livings which he himfelf received from their 
 father, to the eldeft of thefe three, who is 
 jirft become of age to hold it : having noi 
 nearer relations, he confiders the defcendan^'1 
 of his patron as his heirs ; and thus prolongs i 
 his gratitude to a fecond generation. A chs|Jj 
 rafter fo unexampled, will appear to many 
 the produce of invention; but though J| 
 might offend rhe modefty of my friend, by
 
 No. 12. V A R I .E T Y. 99 
 
 mentioning his name, I have recorded the 
 county, which aftually poflefies fo bright an 
 ornament of human nature j and my heart, 
 feels (I truft) a laudable degree of pride and 
 exultation, when I reflect, that I am perfon- 
 ally acquainted with this glorious pattern of 
 unabating gratitude. 
 
 P. S. Since I wrote this E/Tay, I have 
 been moft deeply afflided by the following 
 paragraph in the Norfolk Chronicle, of 22 d 
 March, 1788. On Monday laft, died the 
 ' Rev. William Hewett, Reflor. of Bacons- 
 " thorpe and Bodham," 
 
 NUM.
 
 oo If: AMI 1 E T Y. No. 13, 
 
 DUMBER XIIT. 
 
 TH E various complaints of my nu 
 
 . 
 I me** 
 
 rous correspondents, would feem at 
 light 'to confirm an opinion which has ofteA 
 prevailed, *' that in the courfe of Human Life 
 *' there is more Mifery tfnzn'ftappinefr" But 
 having never fubfcribed to this opinion my- 
 ielf, fo I fhall endeavour to convince my 
 readers that' it is erroneous, and that if Haf>\ 
 jpincfs does not absolutely exceed Mifery in the \ 
 world, yet at leaft the portion of cadi is 
 siearly equal. Let us firft confidcr by whom 
 this dodtriiK is chiefly advanced, and w 
 find it to be by thole, who have communi- 
 cated their difcontented thoughts inwritl.'.-g to 
 the public ; for in conversation, few men wifh ; 
 to rcprefent themfclves lei's happy than they. 
 are. It is, therefore, to the clais of Authors^ , 
 that we muft trace this melancholy obfervati-ij 
 o^i and I will allow that if any profefilon be 
 -WU VT &'!: . more:
 
 No ij. V A R I E TV, *oi 
 
 more miferable than another, it is that of 
 Authorfhip; from the poor drudge who/ 
 writes a paragraph in a garret, to that great, 
 and rich, and royal Author, who declared 
 that " Increap of Wifdom ivas iwcreafe of Sor- 
 " row." Yor the man who has time and abi- 
 lities to write, has alfo time and abilities? 
 to think. 
 
 THE idle ,Specu1atift, whether groan- 
 ng under the preffure of poverty, or gafp-^ 
 ng on the pinnacle of affluence, will oc- 
 afionally be led to feel the emptinefs of all 
 uman enjoyments, and complain with So- 
 OMON, that " all is Vanity ;" he will look 
 ack on attempts in which he has failed with 
 exation, and on thofe in which he^has fuc- 
 :eded with contempt, at their little worth ;. 
 e will look forward with chilling fear at fu- 
 ure Hopes, and (brink from Undertakings, ac- 
 ompanied with hazard. Yet amidft the dif- 
 uft of retrofpedlion, and the g;loom of hope- 
 ?fs profpcds, there will be always fomething 
 folicit his prefcnt attention, fome trifling 
 ngngement or feme frivolous avocation, 
 iat may enable him at leaft to enjoy the pre- 
 nt moment j and if he ferioufly rtflec-l upon 
 is feelings, he will perceive that he is very 
 loom indeed unhappy at what has happened 
 j> him, but rather at the dread of what may 
 F 3, happen.
 
 io2 VARIETY. NO; 13. 
 
 happen. The SPECTATOR has ob'ferved, that 
 " were a rivan's forrbwsand dlfdjuietudcs to be' 
 " fdrttmed up at the end of his life, it would" 
 " generally be found, that he had fuiTered 
 " more from the apprehenfions of fuch evils 
 " as had never happened, than from thofe 
 ** evils that had really befallen him;" and 
 he adds, that "of thofe evils which had real- 
 " iy befallen him, many have been more pain- 
 *' ful in the profpeft, than by their actual' 
 " prefTure." This obfervation holds good' 
 through all the flages and conditions of life, 
 whether the evils be real or imaginary, whe- 
 ther they proceed from mental or corporeal 
 affedibns. I -do not pretend to afTcrt that 
 there is no evil in bodily pain, but whoever 
 has experienced much of it, muft confefs, that 
 it is never continual or unabating. The 
 Great Difpenfer both of good and evil, has fo 
 formed our bodies, that the mod excruciating 
 agonies have moments of remifllon, and the 
 pains of the gout, the (tone, or of child birth,, 
 are frequently relieved by natural intervals of 
 mitigation, without the affiftance of Lauda- 
 num, which never fails to give temporary.? 
 cafe from pain ; and when the body is again; 
 reftored to health, and' freed from torture, to 
 look back on paft fufferings is one of the 
 
 greateft*''
 
 No. 13. V A R L E. 1? Vi i*j 
 
 greateft fources of human enjayment. I am 
 acquainted with a gentleman, who anuidft am- 
 ple pofleifions, having little to excite his hopes 
 or fears, is occaiionally apt to become liftlefs 
 and difiatisfied with life, till a fevere fit 
 of the gout reminds him of his happinefs^an 
 ardent fenfe of which he moft gratefully 
 exprefies at the termination of every pa- 
 roxyfm. Thus* it is with the mind alfo; from 
 whatever fource our mifery proceeds, it is ne- 
 ver without alleviation, if we will admit it, 
 
 J Tis not the aciual cxiftence of prefent 
 ealfcjmity, butt the anticipation, of its con* 
 fecuences, that;aifiicl: and torture usi. Tho 
 lexfs of a.friend presents us with a view of fo* 
 litude and privation of his future conver- 
 faticn, in which we might never have again 
 delighted. The lofs of a child puts a period 
 I to hopes which might never have been rea- 
 ! lized, had the child furvived. The man to 
 whom conftant occupation is not neceffary to 
 t fupply his daily food, or to promote his am- 
 Ibitious views, will fomet'ime^be depreffed by 
 [ the employment of Ms mental faculties j he 
 I will look forward with dejection, to events 
 which may never happen, and fhrink from fu- 
 I ture evils, which he mziy never have to 
 encounter : while the trifling buftle and en- 
 F 4 gagements,
 
 104 V A R I E T Y. No. 13. 
 
 gagements, which belong to each fucceeding 
 
 day, will intereft his feelings, and afford him 
 
 happinefs if he will fuffer himfelf to be 
 
 diverted by them; but when he direcls his 
 
 thoughts to diftant years, he fancies he (hall 
 
 be miferable and lofe hisielifh for the joys he 
 
 now pofleiles ; he forgets that frefh obje&s 
 
 (equally frivolous perhaps with thofe that 
 
 now engrofs him) will have their power to 
 
 charm. The mind of man accommodates it- 
 
 felf to every fituation, and like one who 
 
 at the firft entrance into a hot houfe, feels a 
 
 fuffocating heat, which gradually becomes 
 
 only a comfortable warmth ; fo there is no 
 
 change of life, no reverfe of fortune, and no 
 
 lofs of friends or connections, that time and 
 
 habit will not reconcile ; we grieve now left 
 
 we fhould have caufe to grieve hereafter, and' 
 
 are unhappy through fear of really becoming 
 
 fo ; we fee the approaching evil, but areji 
 
 blind to the obftacles that may prevent its 
 
 ever reaching us, and while we fix our eyes; 
 
 on the Mountain of Calamity, we forget that;: 
 
 pofiiblyour deftined road may lie in the Galley. 
 
 of Peace, which furrounds its bafe : or that 
 
 perhaps, we may fink into the River cf Death} 
 
 which flows at its foot, and fometimes kindly 
 
 fnatches us from the painful labour ^f ftrug-
 
 No. 1-3. VARIETY. 10-5 
 
 gling with infuperable difficulties. After all, 
 there is one fourcc of cpnfplation which 
 fhould never be .overlooked, viz. That we 
 .are often miftaken in our judgment of what is 
 
 d or evil. Thus -the Widow' HOP.ELESS, 
 whofe hufband died infolvent, leaving her 
 with fix fma'l children, in. a {rate of depend- 
 ance on the bounty of her friends, has lived; 
 to fee thofe children, each fettled in the 
 world in affluence, and has repaid her Bene- 
 factors the obligations fhe received. 
 
 THERE is, perhaps, no fource of mental 
 anxiety and pain, rrwre common or. more 
 poignant than. that of providing for a nume- 
 rous offspring. What agony can equal that 
 of an unfuccefsfully induftrious man, who by 
 his failure, 'dreads the utter, ruin of the 
 fortune of his family ? imagination paints his 
 children beggars, and himfelf advanced* in 
 years no longer able to fupport them; but let 
 him not defpair, let him look round, and 
 tie will find" in every diftrict of the capital, 
 and in every town in England, numerous"fa- 
 milies like that of Widow HOPELESS, who 
 have rifen to affluence and power, from 'cJir- 
 cumftances the moft unpromifing ; " at the 
 'ame time that he \vl\l fee the fmgle heirs of 
 "F_5 ' great
 
 ic6 VARIETY. No. 13. 
 
 great paternal riches, reduced to fuddcn or 
 to gfadual poverty. But who can aliert that 
 affluence or power will actually fecure felici- 
 ty to their pofleflbrs ? Or that by entail- 
 ii.g wealth he can entail happinefs on his pofte- 
 rity ? Wealth too often is the caufe of leifure, 
 and he who is not employed will be moft 
 wretched j the man of bufmefs has the faireft 
 chance for happinefs ; the fervant is oftener 
 happy than his mafter ; and thofe who havft 
 been nurfed in the enfeebling lap of indolence 
 and eafe, envy the lot of the poor labouring 
 hind j the felicity of fhcpherds has been the 
 conftant theme of Poets ; what idle man 
 does not envy the induftrious cottager, and 
 feer the force of aYi old fong, beginning 
 nearly in thefe words : 
 
 " Strong LABOUR gets up at the firft 
 
 " moaning;; dawn, 
 " And ftoutly fleps over the dev/ fpangleci 
 
 " Lawn ; 
 *' For with him goes HEALTH from a cot- 
 
 " tage of thatch, 
 " Where never Phyfician had lifted tha f ; 
 
 44 latch." 
 
 CHILDREN frequently owe their misfor-> 
 tunes to the too provident ambition of their 
 
 parents.!
 
 No. 1-3. VARIETY. 107- 
 
 parents. Thus becaufe our own times have 
 given an example of two fons of a mere coun- 
 try Curate, having rifen to the higheft honors 
 in the Law and Church, every fond father 
 hopes to fee his fon a Bifhop or a Chancel- 
 lor; rather let him fow and cherifh the feeds 
 of humility, content, ceconomy, and obe- 
 dience to fuperiors, than plant the danger- 
 ous flifts of ambition, or graft on their tender 
 minds, the hope of greatly augmenting 
 riches; by fuch conduct he will render his 
 children more ufeful members of fociety, and 
 infinitely happier in themfelves. We are. fe- 
 duced by wiflies which we have no right 
 to encourage, and are miferable at the failure 
 of hopes built on bad foundations. Let us 
 then rather enjoy our prefent happinefs, un- 
 difturbed by what may or may not befall us in 
 a future diftant period, a fentiment fo well ex- 
 preffed by Horace, that I cannot refift the 
 temptation of quoting it as a conclufion : 
 " Carpe diem^ quam minimum crsdula pvjlero.'* 
 
 N U M-
 
 VARIETY. No. 14. 
 
 NUMBER XLV. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 YOUR paper, which has found its 
 way into Wiltfhire, affords a very ac- 
 ceptable amufement to thofe, who like myfelf, 
 have nothing to do, and have not resolution or 
 perfeverance to follow one continued feries of 
 fludy, but delight to read without much 
 attention, and therefore, prefer that fort of 
 Literature, .which like "the juftly famous 
 " Pill, may be taken without lofs of time, 
 " or hindrance of bufmefs ;" of this kind 
 are. moft periodical publications, and " tho* 
 ** laft not leaft," in my eiteem, Variety ; for ; 
 as to the daily Papers, they are rather the ve- 
 hicles of Politics than Literature, dealing 
 cut old Anecdotes under ihe title of News. 
 
 I WAS particularly pleafed with your elu- 
 cidating by rural fports, that well known
 
 No. 14. VARIETY 1-09 
 
 maxim, " that Happinefs confifts more in 
 " Expectation than in Enjoyment j" and alfcx 
 with your late paper on the Anticipation 
 of evil, (hewing, that we are often more mife- 
 rable from the fear of what may happen, than 
 from the actual calamity under which we 
 groan ; of the latter I am myfelf an example. 
 ABOUT a month ago, in returning from a; 
 fox chace on Nimrod, (who never before 
 made a (fumble in his life) a rolling (lone 
 threw him down, and I falling with my right 
 leg under him, fo bruifed my knee, that 
 I have never fince been able to fet my foot to 
 the ground j when the accident firft happen- 
 ed I was dejected beyond meafure, riot fo much 
 from the actual pain I fuffered, as from the 
 horrors of being confined many weeks during 
 the beft feafon for hunting : the firft week 
 after my fall I flept but little, partly from the 
 fever attending the contufion, but more 
 from my uneafinefs under confinement, 
 (having never before known the misfortune 
 of two days illnefs) 1 am now almoft free 
 from pain, but the limb is fo weak, that I am 
 .ftill confined, and have had for the laft fort- 
 night paft, full leifure to reflect on my vari- 
 ous itnfations during my imprifonment. 
 
 You
 
 ira VARIETY. No. 14. 
 
 You can hardly conceive, Sir, the prodigious 
 revolution which has taken place in my 
 mind. Many things- now delight, whichy 
 formerly afforded no fatisfa&ion, and I loolc 
 with indifference on pursuits, which before 
 appeared to me the mod engaging. I long to 
 get out, not becaufe I wifli to hunt, (for I 
 care little whether I ever hunt again,) 
 but mcthinks, 1 fhould enjoy walking round 
 my garden, to give directions to my people. 
 
 THERE is a very fcnfible and learned 
 Clergyman in the parish, of whofe company I 
 have feldom been folicitous, becaufe he is no. 
 fox hunter, and takes little fatisfa&ion in the 
 converfation of thofe,whom my favouritefport 
 ufed to bring to my table-, for thefe realons, 
 1 have never till now, had leifure to confider 
 his good qualities; indeed, I had the lefs in- 
 clination to cultivate his acquaintance, from 
 an obfervation he made the firft time we met : 
 he faid, thst " although occafional fox hunt- 
 " ing might be a rational amufement to thofe 
 " who required ftrong exercife, yet he thought 
 * no man of a cultivated underftanding r 
 *' {hould dedicate his -whole time to the fports 
 * of the field." I remember, this remark at 
 the time, gave me gteat offence, becaule it 
 
 was
 
 No. 14. VARIETY. m 
 
 was manifeftly direfted at me, but I have fmce 
 confidered, it might imply a compliment 
 to my underftanding, and rejoice in the op- 
 portunity I have had of being convinced he 
 meant it as fuch. He calls on me every day 
 flnce my illnefs, and when I reflect on the 
 ccntraft betwixt his converfation, and that of 
 ir.y former companions, I am confounded at 
 my inlcnfibility and blindnefs to my own in- 
 tereft. On Thurfday evening laft, my neigh- 
 bour, JACK TOPALL, fat half an hour with 
 me, when he related all the events of the pre- 
 ceding day, " where they had thrown off" 
 " where the fox broke cover where the 
 ' c hounds were at fault how old Ringwood 
 " clapt on him the burft oflifteen miles 
 " right out who were in at the death, and 
 " at laft, that the whole concluded with two 
 " bottles a man, befides fpirits and white 
 " wine." I went to bed heated with the de- 
 fcription, dreamed of leaping five barred 
 gates, broke my leg again and again, and 
 woke with all the fymptoms of having taken 
 my {hare of the wine after the chace; nor 
 could I (hake ofF the effects of. ray friend 
 JACK'S converfation, till the good Vicar 
 called on me, and gave a new turn to my 
 thoughts. From horfes and dogs h? led them
 
 112 VARIETY. No. 14* 
 
 to men and things; for without the leaft ap- 
 pearance of pfdantry, he infenfibly conduces 
 me to fubjeds of Literature, and flatters 
 my underftanding, by appealing to its decifi- 
 on ; we yefterdny read your laft paper to- 
 gether, and he pointed out the happy meta- 
 phor at the conclufion, where you allude 
 to the Mountain nf Calamity ; he obferved that 
 the SPECTATOR had faid fomething of the 
 fame kind, where he compares ** the evils of 
 " this life to rocks and precipices, which ap- 
 ." pear rugged and barren at a diflance, but at 
 * c our nearer approach, we find little fruitful 
 *' fpots and refreshing fprings, mixed with 
 the harfhnefs and deformities of nature." 
 WITH my mind engaged in this contem- 
 plation, I went to reft, when the following 
 dream produce^ fuch vivid imagery to my 
 fancy, that I almoft doubt whether I was 
 afleep, or only mufing and commenting on 
 your metaphor; I con*eivcd myfelf tran- 
 fported to a delightful country, *bcaut. fully 
 variegated with gentle hills and vales, with 
 woods and plains and cultivated fields, which 
 were for ever changing as I pa fled on j 
 for TIME, who was my Conductor, never 
 would give me leave to flop a minute in [ 
 a place, except when fleep made me ir,f-.nfi-f 
 
 tic
 
 No. 14. V A R I E T Y. 113 
 
 ble of his progreffive motion : for then he 
 would gently carry me in his arms to fome; 
 fpot which commanded nearly the fame pro- 
 fpecl with that, where wearinefs had over- 
 taken me; but I would not have you fancy 
 my conductor was an old man with a fcythe 
 and an hour glafs, as he is generally repre- 
 fented, no; he was continually changing 
 fhapes ; when I firft m'et him he was a healthy 
 playful boy, he taught me many a puerile 
 game, and cheered my firft fteps with paftimes 
 and delights, we danced rather than walked 
 the beginning of our journey, for all was 
 fport and feftive innocence; at length he led 
 me by the hand through Academic Groves, 
 where every ftep we took, enlarged my 
 profpects and increafed my fatisfaction in his 
 company. I had only one caufe of difcontent, 
 and that was, as I before hinted, that he never 
 would permit me to flop a minute in a place, 
 or go back to view the fcenes which had given 
 me the greateft pleafure ; indeed he would 
 fometimes give a reafon for his non-compli- 
 ance, by telling me, " that the delight 
 *,' of every Icene confifted chiefly in its no- 
 " velty," and he would fometimes fhew me 
 the picture of the places I had vifited, re- 
 flected in the Mirror of Experience, which, 
 
 confirmed"
 
 ii 4 V A R I E T Y. No. 14. 
 
 confirmed the truth of what he faid. On my 
 departure from the Academic Grove, I was 
 flruck with the appearance of a vaft extenfive 
 plain, a fort of heath or common, interfered 
 by many roads, but which all feemed to tend 
 towards an object I had never before beheld ; 
 it was a diftant mountain, whofe bleak and. 
 barren afpe6l, at once convinced me that 
 it was the Mountain of Calamity ; I fh runic 
 from the fight, and would have gladly turned 
 back into the Grove, or at leaft wifhed to 
 ftop and refolve which of the roads it were 
 moft advifeable to take, but my conductor 
 hurried me on, bidding me not direct my eyer 
 to painful objects at a.diftance, but look 1 
 about me; I did^fo, and was again delighted; 
 with the profpect near at hand, the ground, 
 was enamelled with a thoufand flowers, that 
 fhed their fweets as we palled by ; I faw 
 before me at a little diftance the moft delight- 
 ful objects, "through which the feveral roads 
 feemed to take their refpeftive courfes; one 
 ]ed through a CV/v, whofe Palaces glittered 
 with riches, the effect of Trade ; another led 
 to a fplendid Fane, dedicated to Naval and 
 Military Honour?; another to a Sacred Grove, 
 where Holy Contemplation feemed to enfure 
 Feace and Happinefs; and others ftill thro' 
 : varioui
 
 No. 14, V A R I E T Y. ny 
 
 various interefting fcencs; each was far- 
 rounded with enchanting profpedts, but each 
 was more or lefs expofed to a view of the dif- 
 tant Mountain^ and I obferved, that in pfo- 
 portion as the inhabitants of thefe feveral 
 places, ftruggled to afcend to the highefl 
 fpots of their fituation, they had a more dif- 
 tinct view of the Mountain which all wifhed 
 to fhun : ftruck with this reflexion', I chofe 
 a" road different from any I have mentioned, 
 and pa (Ted through villages and pleafant 
 farms, where unexpected fcencry on every 
 fhle delighted me ; I could often view detached 
 parts of all the other roads, and fometimes 
 travelled a few miles iri each ; but though my 
 profpecb on each fide were ever varying, and 
 always pleafant, yet I could not avoid a fight 
 of the fearful Mountain, and this as I ap- 
 proached it nearer, feemed to rob the fur- 
 rounding landfcapes of their charms, and by 
 degrees, I found my fpirits finking, and 
 became difgufted with my journey. Some- 
 times my conductor would bid me take cou- 
 rage, and enjoy with him the nearer pro- 
 fpedls, or look back on the country we 
 had pafled ; there I faw fome hills which 
 1 had climbed with eafe, and fome which 
 I had avoided without knowing how : I was 
 
 often
 
 ii6 V A R TE T Y. No. 14. 
 
 often pleafed to fee torrents which I had 
 pafled without danger, and fometimes vexed 
 to perceive obje&s that I had miffed, and 
 to which now there was no going back ; by 
 thus looking round occafionally, I infenfibly 
 prefied forward till I was fo near the Moun- 
 tain, that it feemed impoffible to remove it 
 from my eyes ; but how was I overwhelmed 
 with defpair at the horrors of my way, when 
 on a fudden, a few fleps farther prefented the 
 full profpcdt of the River of Death, which 
 fwept away thoufands in their paffage to 
 the Mountain; nay, I faw fome volunta- 
 rily plunge into the waves, rather than look 
 forward ; but my conductor recommended 
 me to Fortitude^ who leading me through 
 the bye-path of Difficulty^ I began to afcend 
 the Mountain ; and now I perceived it kfs. 
 barren than I dreaded, the roads were rugged, 
 indeed, but the view from thence of the 
 country I had pafled, was often not unpleaf- 
 iflg ; the river at the foot of the hill had loft 
 its terrors, though from the plains of Happi- 
 iicfs it was a dreadful object; I could trace its 
 courfe and faw with aftonifhment, that it,: 
 wandered through the whole extent of the ^ 
 journey I had taken, and that many who pur-, 
 iued the feveral tracks, were often deftroyed, 
 
 by
 
 No. *4> VARIETY. ivj 
 
 "by the rapid torrent, in the moft unexpected 
 part of their progrefs to that Mountain which 
 they faw but never reached. As I was 
 earneftly furveying the many .places where I 
 had myfelf efcaped, I ftruck my bruifed knee 
 againft a projecting rock, and woke with the 
 pain, and while^the vifion is ftill freflij I have 
 Cent it you, and fhall t>e happy if it furnifhes 
 your readers with Variety. 
 
 I am, &c. 
 fcq omi? : .: :^f^ATOR QUONDAM. 
 
 iiooo nt 
 r.'n s-rll n: iwi3;;yi9l'do 
 uvi/t L f'j^-iv^K j';;c f : 
 
 '--dot fi/^v rd' 
 
 r;'.,c f.!iii^ 1 '*.-^JU.fn ; &^"tb ^trirb^rta ' 
 nn-rj Wo nt V> j i?J3 ;& ^irfj 
 
 %1 cudw 1': 
 
 K U M- 
 :d o
 
 lift VARIETY. No, 15.) 
 
 NUMBER XV. 
 
 HAVING been reproached by a young fe- 
 male correfpondent, for my filence on* 
 the fubjeft of LOVE, I have for fome time paft 
 been employed in colle&ing materials to 
 oblige her, from obfervations in the circle of 
 my acquaintance; but at length a friend af- 
 fured me, that I might as well attempt to de- 
 fcribe a Griffin^ or a Unicorn-, " for LOVE," 
 fays he, ' like thefe monfters, is a thing which 
 " may poffibly have exifted in former times, 
 * c but now mankind are wifer than to believe 
 <* any thing of the matter." I (hall confider 
 this as the opinion only of an old man who 
 has forgot what he felt himfelf when he was 
 young ; and proceed to give a very fingular 
 inftance of affection betwixt two Lovers 
 'who never f aw each other. 
 
 THIJ
 
 No. 15. V A R I E T Y. 119 
 
 THIS curious fafc I have extra&ed from a 
 manufcript in a dialect of the Perfian lan- 
 guage, and (hall give it to my readers, partly 
 as a tranflation, and partly as an abftrad: 
 from a more extended narrative. 
 
 THE HISTORY OF 
 
 TAREMPOU AND SERINDA. 
 
 "IT was on the banks of the fonorous 
 ^' river Tfnmpu^ whofe thundering cataracts 
 *' refrefh the burning foil, and fomltimes 
 ** fhake the mighty mountains which divide 
 " Thibet from the empire of Mogul ; there 
 ** lived a wealthy and revered LAMA, whofe 
 f" lands were tributary to the SUPREME 
 " LAMA, or SACERDOTAL EMPEROR, who 
 " governs all the land from China to the 
 ' pathlefs defert of Cobi : but although his 
 *' flocks and herds were fcattered over an 
 hundred hills, and the number of his flaves 
 exceeded the breathings of man's life, yet 
 was he chiefly known throughout all the 
 Eaft, as the father of Serinda. It was the 
 beauty, the virtue, the accomplishments of 
 Serinda, which gave him all his fame, 
 and all his happinefs; for LAMA Zarin 
 confidered the advantages which birth and 
 
 wea 1 '"
 
 V A R I E T Y. No. 15.! 
 
 " wealth and power conferred, as trifling j 
 
 > when compared to that of being father to \ 
 
 >" Ser'wda. All the anxiety he ever felt, pro- j 
 
 ." c.eeded from the thoughts relating to| 
 
 " her welfare, when he could no longer i 
 
 " guard the innocence of _ for, whom he ex-| 
 
 " petted foon to quit for ever." A dreadful 
 
 malady, which had long feized him at a ftatedj 
 
 .hour each day, he found was gaining on him,, 
 
 and threatened, in fpiteof all the yts of medi- ; 
 
 cinef, to put a fpeedy period to his exigence. 
 
 ONE day after a fit, which attacked him with 
 
 more violence thsn ufual, he fent for the faiti 
 
 Serinda, and gently beckoning her to approach; 
 
 his couch, he addreffed her in thefe words: 
 
 " Daughter of my hopes and fears ! Heavenj 
 
 " granthat thou mayeft fmile for ever ! Ycl 
 
 ' while my foul conftffes its delight in gaz-j 
 
 " ing on thee, attend to the foreboding men 
 
 lancholy dictates of a dying father'* 
 
 fpirit : my Serbida, whofe breath refrefhei 
 
 '. like the rofe, and whofe purity fhould lik 
 
 the jeflamine, diffufe voluptuous fatisfac"li 
 
 " on all around her, difturbs the peace of h 
 
 ." dejeded father, embittering all the com 
 
 v" forts of his life, and making his approad 
 
 ;.. to: death more terrible." At thefe. words 
 
 Strinda, unconfcious of offence, and doubtinj 
 
 wha
 
 No. 15. V A R I T Y. I2I 
 
 what fee heard, fell on her knees, and urged 
 her father to explain his meaning ; while he, 
 gently raifmg her, proceeded thus, " the 
 ' Angel of Death, who admonifhes and 
 " warns the faithful in the hour of ficknefs, 
 ' 'ere he ftrikes the fatal blow, has fummon- 
 ^ ed me to join thy holy mother, who died 
 ' c when me gave birth to my Strinda ; yet let 
 " me not depart to the unknown and fearful 
 Land of Death, and leave my daughter un- 
 " protected Oh ! my Scrinda, fpeak ! Haft 
 " thou ever ferioufly reflected on the danger, 
 | to which thy orphan ftate muft foon-be ftfc- 
 I jecl ; furrounded as thou then wilt be with 
 Amor LAMAS, of various difpofitions and 
 pretenfions; fomewith mercenary cunning, 
 wooeing thy pofleffions through.thy perfon- 
 others haughtily demanding both, and 
 threatening helplefs heirefs with their pow- 
 ' erful love j" he then reminded her that he 
 m from time to limeprefented her with por- 
 I'raits of the feveral Princes or LAMAS, wh 9 
 J fohcited an union with his houfe, and 
 Vch they had fent according to the cuftont 
 f Thibet, where the fexes can never fee each 
 ther till they are married ; he alfo repeated 
 ft he had already himfelf given her in 
 ritjng, an epitome of their characters, their 
 ^ good
 
 V A R 1 E T Y. No. 
 
 . 
 
 good and evil qualities, their ages, their po 
 ll-lHons, and their rank in the Priefthood < 
 the LAMA, and concluded by faying, " te 
 " -me then, my Serinda, which, of all the 
 " mighty .Princes can claim a preference I 
 * the foul of my beloved daughter "' Serim 
 blufhed and.fighed,butanfw,erednot LAM 
 y.ii'.in -defired tha-t .{he would withdraw 
 confult the paper he had given her, to con 
 pare it with the .feveral portraits, and dcte 
 mine before his next d^y's At -returned, \vhi< 
 might be moft deferving of her love. At i: 
 word LOVE, Serinda b-luihed again, but kner 
 not why, her father faw the crimfon on lr 
 check, but faid it was the timid -flufliing of, 
 virgin's modefly, and urged her to withdra-, 
 , and to be <}.uick in her deqifion ; Sprint, 
 with innocence replied, " my father knof 
 " that -he is.himfelf the only man 1 ever faj; 
 44 and I thin-k the only being I can eif 
 *' /*w, at leaft my lov* will ever be confinl 
 *' to thofe objects which delight or benefit jl 
 *> father, whether they be man or beafl; 
 * I Imu this favourite dog, which tny fatil 
 *' ; fe frequently caries ; 1 Ivaed the favou*J 
 *' Uorfe on which my father rode, till 7 
 ** a 'fall he put his mafter's life in dang), 
 * -theai.l hated him j but when the tyger H 
 
 *' feisfi
 
 No. 15. V A & I T Y. \23 
 
 felzed my father on the ground, and he was 
 " delivered by his trufty flave, I loved Tarert- 
 " pw; and fince iy father daily acknow* 
 " ledges that he faved his life, I IrveTartm- 
 " pau ftiil." The father heard her artkfs 
 onfe/fion, and told her that Zar&npouv/sLs no 
 LAMA ; " but," faid {he, which of all' 
 " thofe LAMAS who now demand. my love, 
 ''' has made an.iotcreft in my heartfcy fervices 
 4 to my father, like the flave Tarempou? 
 " Ami .yet I have not feen his perfon or his 
 F pidure, or know I whether he be old 
 u or youngj but he has faved my father's 
 " life, and is a favourite of my .father, there- 
 " fore it is my duty fure to love, and I vvi'll 
 " U-ve Tarempm." The old LAMA failing, 
 gently rebuked his daughter for the freedom 
 of her expreffion, and defired her to withdraw, 
 after he had explained tartfr that love was rt- 
 pious according to the laws of Thibet, betwixt 
 rany of the race of LAMAS and their Haves'; 
 Serinda left her father, and as fhe/ftroked his 
 -favcuriK dog which lay at 'the door of his 
 (apartment, a tear trembled in her eye, left fhe 
 [tnight be guilty of impiety. 
 
 AND now the flave Tarempon, who for 'his 
 
 jferv ices -had been advanced from Chief of the 
 
 Shepherds, to be Chief of the Houihold, 
 
 G 2 had
 
 ;iH --VARIETY. No. 15. 
 
 had an audience of his mafter; and obferving 
 him unufually dejeded, declared that he had, 
 himfelf acquired feme knowledge in medicine, 
 and humbl-y begged permiffion to try his fkrl 
 where every other attempt had proved unfuc-; 
 cefsful. The LAMA heard his propofal with-ai 
 mixture of -pleafure and contempt; or, as 'tis! 
 cxpreffedintheoriginal,"h.iseycsfl a fliedjoy,i 
 his brow looked -forgivenefs, but contempt 
 < and incredulity ftniled upon his lips, while 
 ** his tongue anfwered the faithful Tarempm. 
 c in trratiuide and doubt." The Have re- 
 plid, "" niay LAMA ta,*n live for ever 
 **\ boaft no fecret antidote, no myth 
 charm to work a fudd.-n miracle ; bei 
 cc I have been taught in Europe the gradus 
 .*<> eftefls of alterative medicines ; ':5& fron 
 ** thefe alone chat I expe& to gain in time bj 
 perfovcrancc, a.compleat viflory over th 
 udifeafe; and. if in feven days time f 
 ..fmallcft change encourage me-to perfevc-re- 
 cc I w iH then boldly look forward, and e.thc 
 'c die or conquer." The Prince affented; aiv| 
 . f.om that day became the patient of <2V, 
 pnl whofe fituation both as Chief in t, 
 Ljfc, and as Phyfician, gave him a right f 
 be at all times in the LAMA'S P refe*ce, fa 
 
 wheij
 
 No. 15, V A R- I E- T Y. 'iz$- 
 
 when Scrinda paid her daily vi'fit^to her father, 
 and then he had notice to withdraw. 
 
 THE firft week had not elapfed before the 
 LAMA was convinced that his difeafe gave, 
 way to the medicines of his favourite : the 
 fits returned indeed, but, every day they at- 
 tacked him with lefs violence, and were of 
 /horter duration. In proportion as Taretnpou 
 became. lefs necefiary as a phyfician, his com- 
 pany became, more defirabJe as a friend ; he 
 pofkfled a lively imagination, and had im- . 
 pro.ved his natural good uader (landing by. 
 travel in diftant. countries : thus -his conver- 
 fation often turned on fubjecls which were . 
 quite new to the delighted LAMA ; they . 
 talked of laws, .religion, and cuftoms of fo- 
 reign kingdoms, comparing them with thofe . 
 of Thibet; and by degrees the ilave became. 
 | the friend, and almoft' equal of h-i$ matfer : 
 i amongft other topics- of difcouife, the LAMA 
 would often tell of the virtues and endow- 
 .ments of his beloved daughter, while Tareut* t 
 \pou liftened with delight, and felt an inte'reft ' 
 n the fubjecl which he was at a lofs himfelf 
 to comprehend. On the other hand, in the 
 conventions of the LAMA with Serlnda, he 
 could talk of nothing but thefkill and wifdom 
 of Tarempou, wondering at fuch various know- 
 edge in fo young a man. 
 
 <^ IT
 
 126 V A R I E T *: No. 15. 
 
 IT happened one day when he had been 
 repeating to his daughter, the account Ta- 
 rempou gave of European manners, that 
 Serlnda blufhed and fighed ; her father afked 
 the caufe, when {he ingenuoufly confeffed, 
 that he had fo often mentioned this young 
 fb.ve, thar ihe could think of nothing elfe- 
 by day or night; and that in her dreams 
 file faw him, and thought he was a LAMA 
 worthy of her love ; then turning to her 
 father with artlefs innocence, fhe faid, 
 ** Oh LAMA, tell me ! can my Jltep be 
 impious? Her father faw her with emo- 
 tion, and tolJ her fhe muft think of him no 
 more. " I will endeavour to obey," fhe 
 faid, "but I fhall dream, and fleep will" 
 ** imploujly reftore my banifhed waking 
 *' thoughts." The LAMA dreading the 
 flame he had himfelf kindled In his daughter's 
 boforh, endeavoured to check her rifing paf- 
 fion, and refolved, thenceforth, never again to 
 teH her of the flave Tarempou ; but now it 
 Was too late, love of the pureft kind had 
 taken full poffeflion of the virgin's heart, anc 
 while fhe ftruggled to obey her father, the 
 fierce contention betwixt this unknown 
 gueft, and the*dread of being impious, prey'( 
 upon her health, till feverifh days and fleep- 
 
 lefs
 
 No. 15, V A R I E T Y. 127- 
 
 Jefs nights at length expofcil her life t<* 
 danger. 
 
 IT was impoffible for LAMA Zarin to con- 
 ceal from Tarempou (whom we will .now no 
 longer cajl his flave, but his faithful friend) 
 the ficknefs of Serlnda ; aad while he con- 
 fefled his alarm for his fair daughter's fafety, 
 he plainly faw that he had too often defer ihed 
 that daughter to his favourite : he faw what 
 it was impoffible for Tarempou to conceal, that 
 he had been the fatal caufeof mutual paffion 
 to two lovers who had never fcen, ad but 
 for him could never have heard of eachi 
 others amiable qualities Thus fituated > 
 (even if the Jaws of Thibet had permitted the 
 yiftt of a male phyfician) prudence would 
 have forbid his employing the only fkill in. 
 which he now had confidence j bu-t Serinda* 
 whofe difeafe was occafionally attended with 
 delirium, would only Giili upon the name of 
 
 i Tarejnpoit, often repeating, *' he faved my 
 
 I*.* father, and it is he alone can fave the lin- 
 
 |* c gering Serinda" 
 OVERCOME by the intreaties of hrs love- 
 
 |fick daughter, the afftided father, in an 
 [agony of grief, curfcd the cruel laws of Tbi- 
 \bet, and told her, " fhe fhould fee Tarern- 
 *' pou." Serinda heard with extacy, and 
 G 4 knowing'
 
 128 V A R 1 E T. Y. No. 15.: 
 
 knowing that v/hat a LAMA promifes, mult" 
 ever be performed, the words became a bal- 
 fam to the wounds of love : but the LAMA 
 had not fixed the time when his facred pro- 
 mife fhould be fulfilled ; nor would he, till 
 he had withdrawn and weighed the confe- 
 tjuence of what had fallen from his lip?*. 1 
 The oftener he revolved the fubjedt in his' 
 thoughts, the-lefs appeared the difficulties} 
 and having by his converfations with Tarem- 
 poU) raifed his mind above the flavifti preju- 
 dices and cuftoms of his country ; he at 
 length refolved to overcome all fcruples, and 
 to give his beloved daughter to the only man 
 Whom he thought worthy of her. 
 
 FULL of the idea of their future happinefs, 
 he determined to obtain all that remained ne- 
 ceflary for its completion, which was, the 
 fan&ion of that higher power to which all 
 the LAMAS of Thibet are fubjeft : he inftant- 
 ly difpatched meffengers to the GREAT LA- 
 W-A, who refides at Tanker^ with whom his 
 influence was fo great, that he had no doubt 
 he fliould obtain whatever he might aflc, al" 
 though unprecedented in the laws QlT.'hilft\ 
 laws which forbid the holy race of LAMAS to 
 intermarry with any but of their own Sacred 
 Order. And now unable to fupprefs the joy 
 he
 
 No. 15. V A R I E T Y. 129 
 
 .he felt in communicating to the lovers, that 
 plan of future blifs which he had formed, he 
 raifed Tarempou to a pitch of hope which 
 neither his love nor his ambition had ever 
 dared to cherifh ; and to Serinda he promifed 
 that the fight of her phyfician and her lover, 
 fhould only be deferred one week, or till the 
 mdTenger returned from the GREAT LAMA 
 at Tanker. 
 
 FROM this day the phyfician was no longer 
 neccflary : but the week appeared a tedious 
 age to the expecting love of young Torempeu, 
 and his promifed bnde Serinda* 
 
 G $ N U M-
 
 V A -R I E T Y. No. 16. 
 NUMBER XVI. 
 
 I AM willing to foppofe that fome of my ten- 
 der hearted Readers may have fympathized-. 
 with the Lovers, who have been left to en- 
 dure a week's expectation and fufpence,and 
 (hall now proceed with the Narrative. 
 
 THE HISTORY OF 
 
 TAREMPOU AND SERINDA> 
 
 CONTINUED. 
 
 THE feven days at length elapfed, 
 when the meflenger returned from 
 Tcw/kr, with the following anfwer : " The 
 > moft facred Sultan, the mighty SOVEREIGN 
 '* LAMA^ who enjoyeth life for ever, and at 
 " whofe nod a thoufand Princes perijh or revive, 
 "-ftndeth to LAMA Zarin, .greeting. Report 
 has long madt known at Tenfaf. the beauty of 
 
 l Serinda,
 
 No. 15. V A R IE T Y. 131 
 
 " Strinda, and by thy me/finger we learn, the 
 ** mat chiefs excellence of thy JIave Tarempou. In 
 *' anfacr, therefore, to thy- nquej}, that thefe may 
 " be 'united, mark the purpofe of our Sovereign 
 " Will, which i, not to obey is death, throughout 
 fi the realms of Thibet. The lovers Jhall not fee 
 " each other, till they both Jland before the fared 
 *' foot/leps of our Throne at Tanker, that we our* 
 *' fehes in perfons, may witnefs the emotion 
 " of their amorous fiult.'* 
 
 THIS anfwer, far from removing the fuf- 
 pence, created one a thoufand times more ter- 
 rible. The LAM-A -Zarin, thought it por- 
 tended ruin to himfelf and family j he now re- 
 . fiedted on the rafh fteps he had taken, and 
 feared his fanguine hopes had been, deceived 
 by frequent converfations with a .ftranger, 
 who had taught him to think lightly of 
 ! the laws and cuftams of Thibet, for which he 
 <now recollected with horror, the GREAT* 
 [[LAMA'S bigotry and zeal ; he knew he muft 
 6bey the fummons, and trembled at his fitua- 
 tion. Tarempou was too much enamoured to 
 hink-of any danger which promifed him, 
 i fight of his beloved miflrefs ; and all the fear 
 ie felt, was, 'left the beauty of 6V' inda fhould 
 empt the SUPREME' LAMA, to feize her for 
 tunfelf. " B*t>^;in whofelove-fick heart,- 
 G 6 dwelt
 
 132 VARIETY. No. 16. 
 
 " dwelt pureft Innocence, a fountain from 
 " whence fprang Hope, which branching in 
 * a thoufand channels, diffufed itfelf over all 
 ** her foul, and gleamed in her countenance, 
 " half feen and half concealed, like the mean- 
 ** dering veins that fwcetly overfpread her 
 *' fwellingbofom ;" revered the LAMA for his 
 decree, ami thought it proceeded from his de- 
 lire of .being witnefs to- the mutual happinefs 
 of virtuous love: with thefe fentiments (he 
 felt only joy at their departure, which took 
 place that very day with all the pomp and re- 
 tinue of Eaflern (plendour. 
 
 HERE in the original follows a very long 
 detail of their journey, defcribing the number 
 of their attendant?, with the camels and ele- 
 phants employed on the occafion ; it relates 
 that the J>AMA would fornetimes travel in the 
 fumptuous palanquin of his daughter, and 
 4bmetimes rode on the fame elephant with, 
 Tarempoii) dividing his time betwixt the con- 
 yerfation of each, but unable to fupprefs hi$ 
 apprehenflons or diffipate the fears of his fore- 
 boding mind. To comprcfs the ftory within 
 the limits of this paper, I ftall immediately 
 proceed to the Tribunal which was held 
 in the great HALL Of SILENCE, and 
 kave the reader to imagine the magnificence^ 
 
 which 

 
 No. 16. V A R 1 E T Y. 133 
 
 \vhich there is not now room to defcribe 
 at large. At the upper end of the fuperb 
 apartment, fat on a throne of mafiy gold, the 
 SUPREME LAMA; before him at fome dif- 
 tance were two altars fmoaking with fragrant 
 incenfe, and around him knelt an hundred 
 LAMAS, in filent adoration, (for in Thibet 
 all men pay divine honours to the SUPREME 
 LAMA, who is fuppofed to live for ever, 
 the fame fpirit pafllng from father to fon) to 
 this folemn Tribunal, LAMA Zarin was in- 
 troduced by Mutes, from an apartment 
 directly oppofue to the Throne, and knelt in 
 awful filence betwixt the fmoaking altars 
 at the fame time from two doors facing each 
 other, were ufliered in Tarempou and Serinda* 
 ach covered by a thick veil, which was faf- 
 tened to the fummit of their turbans, and 
 touched the ground, and each accompanied by 
 a Mute fell proftrate before the Throne-r- 
 a dreadful ftillnefs now prevailed all was 
 mute as death while doubt, fufpence, and 
 horror, chilled the bofoms of the expecting 
 Lovers in this fearful interval of filence, the 
 throbbing of Serinda's heart, became diftin6tly 
 audible, and pierced the foul of her Ta- 
 rempou the father heard it too; and a half- 
 fmothered figh involuntarily ftole from his 
 
 bofopa
 
 I 3 4 VARIETY. No. 16. 
 
 bofom, and refounded through the echo- 
 ing dome at length, the folemn deep toned 
 voice of the GRFAT LAMA, uttered thefe 
 words: "Attend! and mark the will of HIM 
 * c who fpeaks with the mcutb of Heaven; 
 *' arife ! i.'nu hear !' Know, that the promife 
 " of a LAMA is "facred as the words of 
 ** ALLA ; therefore are ye brought hither to 
 " behold each other, and in this auguft pre- 
 " fence, by a folemn union, to receive the 
 " reward of love, which a fond father's praife 
 " has kindled in your fouls, and which 
 '* he having promifcd, rfiuft be fulfilled: 
 " Prepare to remove the veils. Let LAMA 
 ** 'iarin jbih your hands, and then embrace 
 " each other ; btit on your lives, utter not a 
 " word ; for know, that in the Hull of 
 M Silence^ 'tis death for any tongue to found, 
 " but that which fpeaks the Voice of 
 " Heaven." 
 
 HE ceafed, and his words refounding from 
 the lofty roof, gradually died upon the ear till 
 ,/he fame dreadful ftiilnefs again prevailed 
 through all the building; and now, at a 
 fignal given, the Mutes removed the veils 
 at the fame moment, and difcovered the 
 beauteous perfons of Tarempou and "Setindo, 
 What language can defcribe the matchlefs 
 
 grace
 
 No. 16. VARIETY. 
 
 '35 
 
 grace of each, far lefs convey an adequate 
 idea of that expreffion, with which each be- 
 held the other in agonies of joy, fufpenee and 
 rapture ; but they gazed in filence, till by 
 another fignal from the throne, the father 
 joined their harids 1 , and then Tarempou'^ as 
 commanded, embraced his lovely bride ; 
 while {he, unable to fupport this trying mo- 
 ment, fainted in his arms ; and now, ^a- 
 rempouy regardlefs of the prohibition, ex- 
 claimed, " help ! my Serinda dies.'\ tnftaht- 
 Jy the voice from the throne returned this me- 
 lancholy found : " Tarempcu dies ;" imme- 
 diately two mutes approached with the fatal 
 bow-ftring, and feizing Tarempou, fixed an 
 inftrumcnt of lilence on his lips; while 
 other Mutes hurried aw,ay Serinda^ infenfible 
 to the danger of her lover; but the father, un- 
 able to reftrain the anguifh of his foul, cried 
 out with bitternefs. " Tf to fpeak v be death, 
 " let me die alfo ; but firft, I \vill execrate 
 " the favage cuftoms, and curfe the laws 
 -** that doom the innocent." He would have 
 proceeded, but other Mutes furrounded him, 
 and flopped his fpeech, as they had done Ta- 
 rempou's. Then the SUPREME LAMA again, 
 addreffed them in thefe words : " Know, 
 " prefumptuous and devoted wretches, that 
 
 " be&re
 
 136 VARIETY. No. i& 
 
 " before ye brake thatfolemn law which en- 
 " joins filence in this facred prefence,.ye 
 " were already doomed to death. Thou, 
 " LAMA Zarin^ for daring to degrade the 
 " Holy Priefthood of LAMAS by marrying 
 41 thy daughter to a flave \ and thou, Tarem- 
 " pott) for prefuming to ally thyfelf with one 
 * of that Sacred Race; the promife which 
 " this foolifh LAMA made, was literally 
 '* fulfilled, thefe daring rebels againft the 
 " laws of Thibet , have feen, and been united 
 '* to each other ; and the embrace which 
 " was permitted, was doomed to be the laft ; 
 *' Now, therefore, Mutes perform your of- 
 ' fice on Tarempou firft." They according- 
 ly bound the victim, who was already- 
 gagged, to one of the altars, and were fixing 
 the cord about his neck, when they dtfifted 
 on a fudden, and proftrating themfelves be- 
 fore TarempoU) they performed the fame obei- 
 fance, which is paid only to the heir of the 
 facred throne of Tanker. A general confter- 
 nation feized all prefent ; and the SUPREME 
 LAMA defcending from his throne, ap- 
 proached Taremfou; on whofe left fhoulder, 
 which had been uncovered by the execu- 
 tioners, he now perceived the myflic charac- 
 ters, with which the facred family of Thibet 
 
 are
 
 K 
 
 o. 16. VARIETY. 137 
 
 are always diftinguifhed at their birth. He 
 faw the well known mark, the voice of na- 
 ture confirmed this teftimony of his fight, 
 and falling on the neck of Tarempou^ he ex- 
 claimed, " It is my fon ! my long loft fon ! 
 ** quickly reftore his voice, henceforth this 
 " place fhall be no longer called the Hall of 
 *' Silence^ but of Joy ; for in this place, we 
 *' will to-morrow celebrate the nuptials of. 
 *' Tarempw and Serinda" l-VS , 
 
 THE Hiftory then explains this fudden 
 event, by relating that fome Jefuit MifTio- 
 naries, who had gained accefs to the capital 
 of Thibet^ in their zeal for religion, had 
 ftolen the heir of the throne, then an infant, 
 hoping to make ufe of him in the converfion 
 of thefe people ; but in their retreat through 
 tlie great defart of Gobi, they had been at- 
 tacked by a banditti, who killed the Jefuits, 
 and fold the young Lama for a flave ; he had 
 icrved in the Ottoman army; he had been 
 .taken by the Knights of Malta; after- 
 wards became fervant to a French ofHcer 
 with whonn he travelled through all.Eurape, 
 land at length accompanied him to India ; 
 here in an engagement with the Mahrattas, 
 he had been again taken prifoner, and fold as 
 a flave to fome merchants of Thibet; by this
 
 I3 8 VARIETY. NO..I& 
 
 means he came into the fervice of LAMA 
 Zarin, without knowing any thing of hi* 
 origin, or the meaning of thofc charaaers 
 which he bore on his left fhoulder, and 
 which had effefted this wonderful difcovcry. 
 THE Hiftory concludes with faying v that 
 Tartmpou was wedded to the fair Serinda ; and 
 that their happinefs was unexampled : that 
 the leflbns he had been taught in the fchool of 
 adverfity, and the obfervations he had made 
 in the various countries he had feen, prepared 
 him to abolifh the many foolifh and impious 
 cuftoms of rhil>tf\ and he caufed to be 
 written over the Throne of the GREAT HALL,. 
 this Infcription. 
 
 " MARK, the Cries of Diftrefs, and 
 give Relief. Receive the Bleffings 
 " of the grateful, and rejoice in them. 
 <' Hearken to the Words of Age^ 
 " Experience and Goodnefs, and obey 
 " them. -Stifle not the feelings of 
 < f Humanity, but encourage virtuous 
 " Love ; for the flill fmall Voice of 
 '<* Innocence and Nature, is in every. 
 < { Country the true Voice of Han 
 
 ;en. 
 
 N U M-
 
 VARIETY. 139 
 
 NUMBER XVII. 
 
 THE fubjeft I have chofcn for this day's 
 eflay, is of fo facred a nature, that I 
 feel an awful tremor at my own prefumptiori' 
 while I write, and am at a lofs to defcribe 
 the reverence with which I think upon it, 
 I have the authority of my great predecefTor 
 the SPECTATOR, for occafionally blending 
 with trivial topics, EfTays on the moft ex- 
 alted fubjecls ; and am led to the choice I- 
 have now made, by a perufal of No. 531, in 
 that matchlefs Collection : it is there obferv- 
 ed and confirmed by the opinion of Mr. 
 LOCKE, that we form our ideas of the SU- 
 PREME BEING, by taking whatever we deem 
 excellent in our own nature, and adding to 
 rt the idea of Infinity. Thus we know that 
 44 we exift in place and time. The Diving 
 
 " Sting
 
 H<? V A R I E T:Y. NO.ITV 
 
 " "Bang fills all fpace, and inhabits eternity. 
 *' IVe are poffelTed of a little power and a, 
 ' little knowledge. The Divine Being is Al- 
 " mighty and Omnifcient ; in {hort, by adding 
 " infinity to any kind of perfection we en- 
 " joy, and by joining ail thefe different 
 " kinds of perfettions in ONE BEING, we 
 " form our idea of. 'it ha' Gr<4t Stfve^eign of 
 " Nature." But he docs not refleft, that of 
 infinity we have no idea. We often ufe words 
 without meaning, and this is the cafe with 
 almoil every attribute we have anhexed-to thf 
 Deity : for example, Eternal and Omnip:tent ' 
 can only mean of long duration and veiy., 
 powerful ; no man thinks of Eternity but by? 
 the help of adding certain period s of Time toge- 
 ther, without confidering that 'Time can never 
 be themeafure of Eternity : for if. we multiply- 
 a. million of years, by>a.roillion>of years, ten i 
 thoufand times together, we fhall be as wide, 
 of arty comparative knowledge of Eternity^ as-i 
 rf we had refted at the firft unit. Since, 
 Biillions of years deducted from Eternity^ 
 cannot make it fhorter by a fingle fecond ; 
 indeed, to talk of fuch a deduction, is ar> 
 tbfurdity and contradiction in language, like 
 that we ufe in faying, for ever and ever, as! 
 if Eternity. could be doubled. Therefore, of; 
 
 the
 
 
 17. VARIETY. 141 
 
 the divine attribute Eternal; we have really 
 ro other rdea, but that of a long duration or" 
 exiflence; the period of which, is to us un- 
 intelligible and incomprehenfible. 
 
 IN like manner, Omnipotence cannot be 
 
 conceived by man, but under certain limit- 
 
 ations and rcftri&ions ; we know that two 
 
 and two make four, and cannot allow 
 
 that any degree of power, with which we 
 
 are at prefent acquainted, could make it 
 
 otherwife : yet a man would be deemed im- 
 
 ' pious, who Ihould deny this power in Omni- 
 
 \'$otence^ although the acknowledgement of it, 
 
 is contradictory to common fenfe. 
 
 IN the fame imperfect manner do we fpeak 
 
 of all the other attributes. We talk of per- 
 
 fetf Jujlice and perfcfl Mercy ^ without con- 
 
 iidering that they cannot exift together ; for 
 
 Mercy can never be exercifed, but at the ex- 
 
 pence of rigid Jit/lice. How oppoftte to the 
 
 - true meaning of words are indignation, anger^ 
 
 and difphafure, when applied to a Being un- 
 
 changeably, and fupremely perfect in /ovf t 
 
 i in goodnefs, and in /wppinefs ; it appears to me 
 
 t 'therefore, 'that we are guihy.of folly, if not of 
 
 I" impiety, in affixing attributes to that BEING, 
 
 whofe nature and properties are not to be 
 
 -comprehended by human reafon j and indeed, 
 
 ^v,.<- the
 
 .I 4 2 V A R I T V. No. 17, 
 
 the confequence of forming a judgment; on 
 fo myfterious a fubjecl:, has been, that men 
 have not only attributed to GOD, their own 
 excellencies and virtues, but even their 
 pafiions, vices, and irregularities. The 
 fees. in the Being which he worfbips, 
 e .*&& terror^ with all the fiery pafii- 
 that agitate hjs own ungovernable foul. 
 The 2V- r whofe greateft mental enjoyment 
 confifts in reft, from thoughts and cares, 
 conceives that the GREAT ALLA, is fu- 
 premely happy in everhfling quiet. The 
 Brackman, whofe ftea<Jy contemplation is 
 form-times, fixed for years on the fameobjecl:, 
 and who fubdues and ftifles all the finer feel- 
 ings of humanity, by habits of abftrufeft 
 -thought i fuppofes that the Deity is abforbed 
 in contemplation of thofe attributes, which 
 are fo far beyond the comprehenfion of .the 
 moft enlightened human intelligence. 
 
 THE wifeft of the ancients have not Irefi- 
 tated toworfhip a&Go;d$,every human paflioDj 
 whether good or evil ; and paid their adora- 
 tion to a God, of Wine, a God of Love, .a 
 God of JVVaivand fifty .others of tbe like 
 kind: nor did ..they flop here; for having 
 ^endued their Gods WJth palHons like them- 
 felves, .they gave them wive5,.and fons, and 
 
 daughters,
 
 "No. 17. A R I E T Y. i 4S 
 
 , *daugh w :i,({, a-IMhe r-elations wWch.moft 
 
 intirrr y-PNnp# mortals to each other ^ 
 
 -deducing genealogies from antient records, 
 
 ! .-in whiph rh.ey mi-flock ^figurative expreflions, 
 
 and allegorical allufions, for literal' defcrip- 
 
 ; -lions and . m tw o f .fo#. Such, has been the 
 
 abfurdity.pf Alleges,. when /peaking of what 
 
 ; -is fo infinitely beyond all human fcrutiny. 
 
 The more a wife man contemplates the 
 
 <GREAT CREATOR of all things, the-morels 
 
 j-Jie confcious of his own infignificajice and 
 
 ,, -inability, to think "rationally pn fo incomprc- 
 
 : henfible a fubjed. And here my readers will 
 
 -th-ank me, for tranfcribing.a-beautiful paf- 
 
 i fage from a living author, who fpeaks thus 
 
 : reverently of the all -wife, and all-powerful 
 
 I Divinity: But of HIM, the great firjl 
 
 ^ Caufe ! The Principle of all Principles ! 
 
 .Of HIM, from whom the whole Univerfr, 
 
 and all that it contains, derive their prin- 
 
 ;| ..ciples ; what frail we fay, or hew. fpeak 
 
 ' 4 with propriety ? So weak, fo incompetent, 
 
 '* are we, that we are loft in the contem- 
 
 * plation of his nature, and hardly know 
 4 how to difcourfe of him with tolerable 
 
 * fenfe, or without abfurdity, and danger 
 4 of impiety and profanation." 
 
 THE
 
 I44 V A R I E 'T Y. No. N 
 
 THE OmniprtfeH", or ubiquity of th< 
 Deity, though involved in much difficulty 
 has been more happily illuftrated, and i 
 better underftood, than any other attribute 
 We fee in all the works of nature, fomethinjj 
 that brings conviaion of the influence whiclj 
 produces and fuftains. We fee in plants, :, 
 power of vegetation which ads with unifon 
 mity, although we know not how. In th<, 
 animal world, whether we furvey the produci 
 tion, the growth, the motions, or that in, 
 ftinaive love of happinefs, by which every in: 
 dividual feems aduated ; we are at a glanc; 
 convinced, that there is fomething more thai 
 metier operating in them. But when w| 
 rcfled on man ; when we feel that interna; 
 iatisfaaion or difguft at what appears goo., 
 or evil in our natures; we cannot deny, thd 
 there is fomething befides ourfelves, con! 
 demning or applauding all our thoughts an.j 
 aaions. In fhort, which ever way we turi| 
 our eyes, we fee an influence beyond ou 
 comprehenfion, and perceive effbas, altho 
 the caufe remains invifible ; yet knowinj; 
 that there can be no effea without a cauffej 
 it rrruft be G O D ; who 
 
 K . Chang'i
 
 7. V A R I E T f . i 
 
 ** ChangM thro' all,, ffnd yjethi all the fa; 
 " Great in the earth, as in die aif,heri 
 " Warn*in the fun, rcfrefoes in. the brseae, 
 " Glows in the fiars, and blofToms in the trees ; 
 " Lives thro' all life, extends thro* all extent, 
 *' Spreads undivided, operates unfpent;' 
 " Breathes in our foul, informs our mortal part, 
 " -As full, as perfed, in a hair, as heart." 
 
 LET us not then attempt to defcribe what 
 I we cannot comprehend, or give names, and 
 ^attributes, and qualities of our own, which 
 jdegrade the GREAT CREATOR ; let us al- 
 ways fpeak and even think with the utmoft 
 Tevercnce, of a Name, which among the 
 Gentoo Indians, is never mentioned but in a 
 Jwhifpcr ; for none of 'the moft holy amongft 
 :he priefts, would prefume to pronounce 
 Ifoud, the myftic name of the MOST HIGH- 
 (KST ; while we who boaft a more genuine 
 |eligion, profane it in the ftreets on the moft 
 rivial occafions; rather let us with gratitude 
 Acknowledge all his benefits, without pre- 
 Jming to limit his influence or favour to any 
 Articular fe<a, or opinion We are told 
 
 H in
 
 I 4 6 VARIETY. No. 17: 
 
 in a book of the higheft antiquity, tha 
 " to do juftice, to love mercy, and to wall 
 " humbly before GOD, are the things mol 
 <c acceptable in his fight."
 
 No. i8. VARIETY. 
 
 NUMBER XVIII. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 TT has been the cant of all writers, and 
 particularly of your predeceflbrs, to de- 
 claim againft Diftpation, but few have de- 
 fined in what it confifts; indeed the defini- 
 ^ion might prove dangerous to themfelvesj 
 for I have fometimes confidered even writing 
 *itfi/fto be one fpecies of it j at leaft, I have 
 often fat me down to write letters, becaufe a 
 rainy day has confined me to the houfe, when 
 I have neither had a new book to read, nor a 
 new acquaintance to talk with ; that, Sir, is 
 khe cafe at this prefent moment, I have 
 [literally "nothing to do, and can't fleep." 
 ^Therefore, having been revolving the fubjecl: 
 pf Diflipation in my mind, I will unburthen 
 l^ny thoughts to you, and you may empty 
 hem out into the world, either muddy as I 
 H 2 fend
 
 148 V A R I E T Y. No. iS. 
 
 fend them, or flrain them through your fieve 
 as if they had pa-fled the Academy de la 
 Crufca, 
 
 WHAT a jumble of contradictions is man, 
 this mighty lord of the creation ! the more I 
 confider his nature, the more I am inclined to 
 believe you to be right, in faying that his love j 
 of Variety diftinguifhes him more than any! 
 other quality from his brutal fellow ani-j 
 mals ; for notnan living can exift with per-, 
 feel famene-fs of objects, or purfuits. Thet 
 Jlorfe enjoys life feemingly without difccn-i 
 tent, if he be regularly fed, and cleaned, and- 
 watered; and will remain whole days andi 
 weeks in the fame ftall, without a ftruggle to: 
 get loofe, if you fupply him with his necef- |, 
 lary food ; for though he may difplay his. 
 courage in the battle, his ardour in then 
 chafe, and even emulation in the courfe, andl] 
 feems to fliare his rider's energy in all his:; 
 danger, or his fports ; yet he would never un- i 
 folicited, negleft the crib and ft-able to join j 
 the fcene of a&ion. The fame may be ob- ; 
 ferved of all the animals whofe fervices be- : i 
 long to man ; nor do the more favage hearts 
 of prey appear inclined to leave their dreary 
 but when impelled by nature to fa- 
 
 tisfy
 
 No. iS. V A; R I E T Y. 149 
 
 tisfy the cajls of hunger, or more., powerful 
 ftimulants to action. But Man, whofe 
 boafted Ueafon feems to fit him for a flate of 
 reft and quiet contemplation, is for ever 
 anxious to difpel that faculty by which he 
 claims fuperior rank in the creation. 
 
 THE flighteil confederation of our acquaint- 
 ance, and view of their purfuits, will amply 
 elucidate my obferva-tion ; but this remark 
 does nut extend to thole who have no thought to, 
 diffipate : thu.?, although Ariftoile has de- 
 fined man to be -an "animal which walks 
 " eredl upon two legs, and has no feathers j" 
 J yet that is not the definition of a Rational 
 I Being : there ajethoufands of human beings 
 in the world which are but one degree abov,e 
 jt mere brutes ; and forrve which ought not to be 
 compared with the Horfe in point of under- 
 standing. Men who rife at a certain hour 
 each day, arc worked a certain time like 
 [(cattle, or work themfelves, ('tis the fame 
 KJ thing) and having been fed, and refled, at 
 | Certain intervals, are fummoned to a frefh- 
 Mlday's labour without Variety of thought, or 
 [.jpccupation : nor do I mean to condemn them 
 as leis ufeful beings, but they fhould not be 
 confounded with the more' enlightened of 
 tiieir fellow creatures; with thofe, whofc 
 H minds
 
 150 V A R I E T Y. No. 18. 
 
 minds have been enlarged by education, and 
 improved by travel and ftudy ; who are not 
 compelled to earn their daily bread with toil 
 and forrow, but who employ their reafoning 
 powers, fometimes in colle&ing thought, 
 but oftener in its Difiipation, while they 
 condemn in others, habits which they dif- 
 like themfelves. 
 
 SIR ROBERT RACKETT, who began his 
 education at Eaton, and finifhed it at Oxford, 
 condemns his lady's dijppation. Her lady. 
 fhip, whofe manners were polifhed at the 
 moft expenfive board ing- fchool near town, 
 divides her winter amidft the fweet Variety of 
 opera?, mafquerade^, routs, drum?, and 
 fafhionable parties ; fhe is a woman of too 
 much good f'enfe to enjoy this conftant fuc- 
 ceflion of what others call amufement, for 
 any real plcafurcs they afford ; for without 
 novelty, they loofe their charms topleafe; 
 but what can flie do elfe? flie hates reflec- 
 tion, though it is free from guilt. Sir Ro- 
 bert, on the other hand, drags on his time 
 betwixt a faunter in Hyde-Park, a game at 
 tennis, or the converfation of the grooms at 
 Tatterfall's ; dines at a tavern, and hating 
 cards, returns to his own houfe half drunk 
 about the time her ladyfliip prepares to fally 
 
 forth i
 
 No.iS. VARIETY. 15* 
 
 forth ; while fhe flips out another way, to a- 
 void the ill-timed meeting. When foberly, 
 he afks himfelf the caufe of this ftrange 
 Avafte of life, he confefles he has no enjoy- 
 ment in it ; but that like Lady Rackett, he 
 muft do fomething to fill up his time. In the 
 country, her ladyfhip breeds poultry, and 
 faunters in the grounds without delight, or 
 thrums her harpfichord without anear, becaufe 
 fhe muft do fomething till the time comes 
 for her return to London. While the Baro- 
 net is planting without improvement, or 
 hunting without glee; not becaufe he is a 
 man of tafte, or a keen fportfman, but be- 
 caufe any thing is better than (raying in the 
 houfe and muzzing with his wife. I have fe- 
 Jed this couple as an apt example, be- 
 caufe they are both perfons of good under- 
 ftandings, improved by liberal education*; 
 they were both poflefled of ample fortune, 
 and came together from mutual attachment ; 
 but having no children living, and having in 
 ten years time exhaufted all their flock of 
 converfation, and with it almofl all affe&ion, 
 they never meet but to lament the emptinefs 
 of life, and to reproach each other for the fyf- 
 tem of diffipation which each adopts to banifli 
 painful thoughts. 
 
 H 4 THAT
 
 j|t y; AJ- R.I; E T- Y, NO. i& 
 
 THAT thought is painful, all wife men 
 have lamnted ; and the wifeft has confeficd, 
 that he could find no real fatisfaclion in his 
 prodigious fhare cf underfianding. All men 
 whofe fituation exempts them from mere ma- 
 flual labour, are anxious to difpel the hor- 
 rors of reflection ; and the thoughts of the 
 mod virtuous man, without fome diffipatioa 
 or amufemettt, call it relaxation, would fooa 
 become intolerable. Afk this man why he 
 fuldtes ? another why he travels ? a third 
 why he reads ? they will all tell you, that 
 they muft do fome thing to pafs dull life 
 away j for no man is equal to the dreadful 
 talk of drawing all his enjoyment from the 
 contemplation of his intellectual powers, or 
 to live a whole winter on his own thoughts^ 
 as a bear is faid to do by fucking its owa. 
 paw ; 
 
 THE general ufe of Narcotics in every 
 country, feems Jo point out that man is not 
 always equal to the pain of thought; and 
 thofe whom fate has not deftined to reap the 
 golden wheat with the fweat of their brows^ 
 muft gather the gaudy poppy that grow* 
 mixed atnongft it. Almoft one half of hu- 
 ittan life is dedicated to natural fleep; and of 
 the remaining half 3 there are few men of 
 
 fpiightiy
 
 No, 18. VARIETY. 153 
 
 fprightly genius, or irrtenfe thought, who 
 have not occafionally facrificed fome part m 
 artificial infenfibility, either by the ufe of 
 ftrong liquors, the fumes of tobacco, the ex~ 
 tefs of food, or the more dangerous appli- 
 cation of even opium itftlf. 
 
 THERE is a fpecies of DiJJitatlon^ which as 
 it appears lefs grofs, fo it is more fafhionable 
 at prefent : this is Mnfuk- y the bewitching in- 
 fluence of fvveet founds, draws the attention 
 with irrefiftible force; and though I can fup- 
 pofe that the theery of this Art may be a la- 
 borious exsrcife to the intellectual faculty; 
 yet mere practical miifick^ fo far from bur- 
 ihening the thoughts, feems to pofFefs the 
 power rather of draining and purifying them, 
 while it effectually drajvs off reflection 
 from every thing but itfelf. It is not thus 
 With fainting or fculpture ; for an able mafter 
 will join in the converfation with perfons, 
 whofe features he is at the time endeavour- 
 ing to reprefent ; but the mufician cannot 
 fiddle and converfe j even the fimple act of 
 whittling denotes, and requires a vacuity of 
 mind j and thus the clown is aptly de- 
 fcribed, " whittling as he went for want of 
 thought." 
 
 THESE, Sir, are my fentiments on Dffi- 
 
 fatipn, and I leave you to extract what 
 
 H 5 moral
 
 154 VARIETY. No. 18. 
 
 moral you may pleafe; but if you are 
 at a lofs, I would hint, that fince forne fort 
 of relaxation is neceflary to man, that kind 
 fhould be preferred which appears leaft likely 
 to injure his fortune, or his health ; and I 
 am of opinion, that hunting is better than 
 horfe-racing ; that hemming a pocket hand- 
 kerchief, or darning an apron, are better than 
 gaming ; and that mufick is better than 
 getting drunk; but if you are as tired of 
 reading as 1 am of writing, you'll agree, that 
 of all fpecies of Diffipation, flecp is the beft, 
 and fo wifliing you a good night, I beg you 
 will believe me, Sir, one of your conftaiit 
 readers to kill time. 
 
 THEOPMILUS THINKABIT. 
 
 N U M-
 
 No. 19. VARIETY. 155 
 
 NUMBER XIX. 
 
 WHEN I tell you how much I have 
 been adored, how often my charms 
 have been celebrated in verfe, and my' airs 
 and graces have been fung to mufic ; in fhort, 
 when I introduce myfelf to you as a ///, a 
 beauty, and a toa/l^ 1 am fure my favours 
 will be highly prized ; efpecially, when you 
 fcnow that I h'ave been flattered fo long, that 
 my head is not turned by adulation, arid my 
 experience has ripened aH thofe qualities,' 
 which raifed me to the pinnacle of admiration j' 
 for I am not now what I once was, the hair- 
 brained, giddy, unexperienced hoyden ; but 
 -* -.,H
 
 3 j6 V, A R I T Y. No. 59, 
 
 an accomplifhed vjrgin of the middle age, I 
 think it is fomewhere about forty. 
 
 FROM the earlieft of my remembrance, my 
 favourite pafiion was the love of drefs ; this 
 I inherited from my mother, who once told 
 me that fhe herfelf, furnifhed the SPECTA- 
 TOR with fome of his beft hints on that im- 
 portant article; as -iadecd, 1 myfclf, havo 
 done your predeceflor, Mr. Fitzadam, in his 
 papers of the WORLD. I invented the treble 
 ruffle and ruffle-cuff, and I was the firft 
 woman in the kingdom, who introduced 
 the pinking-iron : but if you would judge 
 both of my perfon and drefs, you will find 
 m.e reprefented the moft elegant perfonage in. 
 that group of figures, painted by Boitard^ 
 and engraved by Patten^ under the title of 
 y'ajle a la Mide, 1745, though I believe the 
 date is wrong. It is therefore with forrve. 
 propriety that 7 may fpeak. of fa&ions ; I r 
 who have been an obferver and a follower of 
 them, through fuch great variety of changes ; 
 and it is in this neceflary branch of a peri- 
 odical paper, that I mean to offer you my 
 fervice. But to (hew you my capability of 
 being a ufeful correfpondent, I fhall proceed 
 methodically, (for if I can ever deferve the 
 name of an. old maid, it muft be from my ( 
 
 great 

 
 No. 19, VARIETY. I57 
 
 great love of method) and therefore, I (half 
 begin with properly eoniidering the word 
 Fe/hhn itfelf, and how it has been called at 
 different tims. 
 
 T.HERE have been almoft. as many words- 
 to fignify what is fashionable, as there have 
 been forts of fluffs to cover Jadies.perfons j: 
 tut fince to \>t fijhionablf is all in <?//, fo they 
 have always added that very fignificant word 
 </4 to every different name. I remember 
 when it was all the taftt, to fee a lady 
 choathed in velvets and brocades 5 thefda- 
 maflcs and water'd tabies were all the ^e y 
 and a filk fo rich and thidc, that it would 
 iUnd alone, was all the go : fome few year* 
 after, luteftrings were invented, and then we* 
 goddcfles -were drcfied in clouds, for t*u?y 
 were all tht thing ; till on a fudden it was 
 <?// the rage to a'ppear in chintz and dimity : 
 thefe, with muflins, tiffany, and gauze, 
 Tyere lately all the ton> and would continue, 
 to remain fo ftill, but for the enormous price 
 and fcarcity of filk, which I forefee will 
 make filk gowns foon all the wear. 
 
 IF the materials of which a drefs is made, 
 can have undergone fo many changes in fo 
 (hort a time as I remember j confider, Sir, 
 -how infinitely various muft have been the 
 
 forms
 
 i 5 8 VARIETY. No. 19. 
 
 forms in which thofe gowns were made, from 
 the Sack to the Polonaife, and from the 
 Negligee to the Chemife la Reine, with all the 
 varieties of full-drefs, half-drefs, and un- 
 drefs gowns. I have feen heads moulded into 
 every fliape that whim could invent, or the 
 iugenuity of man could execute : the hair has 
 been taught to ftand up, hang down, flick out, 
 or twift about in every dire&ion : at one time 
 that it fhould fmell of mufk, was all the 
 tafte ; then to flow free from greafe, in eafy 
 ringlets, was all the mode ; then to ftand ftiff 
 and clotted with pomatum, was all the go ; 
 and then again combed fmooth, was all the 
 rage. Lately, a gauze handkerchief by way 
 of cap, was all the ton ; and then to wear 
 nothing at all, was all the thing ; but now it 
 is all the fafhion to wear hats and bonnets ; 
 and this laft fafhion does the higheft honour 
 to the fex r as you will yourfelf confefs, 
 when you know whence this Jille of bead- 
 drefi proceeded. The mafters of ceremony 
 in certain public places^ of amufement, had' 
 impertinently requefted ladies not to ap- 
 pear in HATS, as if they were judges of what 
 beft became.our fex ; and feme prefumed to 
 exert their authority fo far, as to refufe ad- : 
 mittance to a hat or bonnet in a concert-
 
 No. 19. V A R*I E T Y. 156 
 
 room, upon which the ladies ingenioufly in- 
 vented the bat cap^ a fort of a mule betwixt 
 a hat and a cap, and which fo puzzled thefe 
 impertinent dictators, that at length they 
 have fubmitted to leave ladies heads to their 
 own diicretion, and are ready to acknowledge 
 them full drefled, although they fliould come 
 uaked and uncovered. 
 
 THERE is one peculiarity in all fa- 
 fhions, which is whimfical and unac- 
 countable ; and that is, the fudden tran- 
 fition from one extreme to the other. There 
 feems to be a fort of fympathy betwixt the 
 moft diftant parts of the human body. Tops 
 and bottoms rife and fall together ; and what 
 is worn in one fituation, may be equally be- 
 coming in another : thus I have known a 
 gauze fig-leaf apron worn as a morning cap, 
 and a diamond ftay-kook converted to a hair- 
 pin ; but of all ftrange changes, that, re- 
 fpec-ling cufhions is the oddeft ; for in former 
 times, when cane-backed chairs, and jointed 
 ftools, were ufed inftead of fopha?, the cufh- 
 ion had an inferior flation, and helped to 
 bear the weight of well-drefTed women ; but 
 now it is exalted, and every well-drefled wo- 
 man, carries a cufhion on her head. 
 
 I MAY perhaps hereafter convince you, 
 that my obfervatioiis on drefs, have not been 
 
 confined
 
 1 66 VARIETY. No. ig. 
 
 confined to my own fex only ; for amorrgft- 
 my numerous admirers, the moft fafhionably 
 dreffed, were always the moft encouraged : 
 I fpcak of beaux a Few years back, for the 
 infipid fops of the prefentday, are fuch fenfe- 
 lefs idiots, I have given them up, fince they 
 can prefer the fmilcs and gigling of fixteen, 
 to the more feafoned and experienced beauties 
 of a middle-aged woman : You, I am fure r 
 know better, and in this convi&ion, I remain 
 
 Very truly, 
 Yours, 
 
 TABITHA HASBEEN. 
 
 THERE is a part of Mifs TABITHA'S let- 
 ter, which reminds me of an Occafional 
 Epilogue, fpoken at a private theatre, and 
 which began thus ; 
 
 Faftiion ! (whom all obey and who it fcems 
 Delights to fhew her freaks in the extremes) 
 Fafhion! (dread arbitrefs of heads and tails, 
 Changing their fhape, as greater fmall^Te\a.\\3 t 
 From Heidleberg's fly cap to Charlotte bonnet), 
 Fafhion, is always right, depend upon it. 
 
 or
 
 No. 19. V-' A R :-I "E T:' Y 16* 
 
 Of the truth contained in this hflrliAe, I am 
 fo well convinced, that I {hall always ftudy 
 to be in the faihion ; and I think it would 
 ot be difficult to prove, that my papers 
 Dually ought to be fo. As the fyllogifm is 
 the moft correct method of arguing, I will 
 try to demonftrat* this fa&, to thofc who 
 know any thing of logic j thus, Alteration 
 it th ejjence df Vaiitty, and all Ftifoion ccnfiflf 
 in Alteration ergo Variety nmft ever be 
 Fajkion. q. e> d. 
 
 SOME will perhaps wifh my inteliigencr, 
 lefpecting thefe alterations, could be furnifh- 
 ed by a younger correfpondent than Mift 
 TABBY ; but 1 confidcr the communications 
 of that venerable fpinfter as highly valuable,, 
 for as fafhions come about again, ia a certain) 
 feries of years, (he may be fometimes able to> 
 fortell what will be worn next Spring or 
 Autumn ; and fuch intelligence may be of 
 the higheft confequence to thofe who lay up 
 cloathes, inftead of giving ^hem to upper 
 fervants : indeed fhe has {hewn a glimpfe of 
 this prophetic fpirit in her letter, where {he 
 mentions the return of filks ; and in her poft- 
 cript, which I fuppreffed on account of its 
 length, fhe compares many articles of female 
 drefs to former times j, viz. the prefent ^r/rtff 
 
 coat
 
 162 VARIETY. No. 19. 
 
 coat to the ancient Jofeph^ and the prefent 
 high-crowned bonnet, to Mother Shipton's 
 hat. She alfo talks of the ancient fartingale 
 and petenlair, two harfh- found ing names for 
 things, which fhe fays, once were all the 
 track : the firft comes from the Low Dutch 
 Vierdendeel, meaning the hind quarter; arid 
 the other, 1 know not from whence ; for fhe 
 does not fay how they were difplayed,. or on 
 what extremities they were ufed, 
 
 I SHALL conclude, with an aflu ranee to 
 uny young female readers, that I will never 
 recommend as really the thing^ any but what 
 is the pink of the mode t the tip-top of the fa- 
 Jhhn, the pinnacle of ban /<?, and the highefl 
 Jiile oftafte; and thus, whatever Variety may 
 produce, J doubt not, my paper will be all 
 the rage t the 0,.and the crack, as the true 
 means of knowing "which is the way they 
 * wear 'm in." 
 
 N U M-
 
 No. 20. V A R I E T V. 163 
 
 NUMBER XX. 
 
 The following Letter was fo covered with 
 hair powder, and feemed to have been writ- 
 ten in fuch hafte, that I had fome difficulty 
 in making it out. 
 
 My dear good old GENTLEMAN, 
 
 I AM delighted with you, for promising 
 to write about the fafhions; for papa 
 makes me read your paper to him, and I am 
 vapoured to death with your long Allegros, 
 or Allegories, as he calls them, though I 
 thank you heartily for the pretty love ftory : 
 but. pray, dear Sir, don't let that fufty old 
 maid bore us with her treble ruffles; I hardly 
 know what a ruffle was, for my mama cut all 
 
 her's
 
 16* V A R. I E T Y, No. aov 
 
 ber's up into robbins for me, when I fiift 
 came out in the world laft winter ; if you. 
 want to know what is worn, corne to our rout 
 next week, or call on me any morning, and 
 I'll fliew you my new hat ; but now 1 think 
 on't, you muft: come to-morrow, or you can't 
 fee it with the orange ribbons, for I muft put 
 on the rofejletrierlbbonS} to fuit rr.y new barbe 
 de huitre 1 fliall never be drefied in time tho' 
 Winn frizzes quicker than any body and I 
 doubt you won't be able to make out my let- 
 ter, for I am writing upon my knee and the 
 German with a hard name, is waiting below 
 with my new gown ib adieu, dear dear little 
 WEATHERCOCK.Y, and be fure you write 
 about fafhions. 
 
 P. S. An old gpod for nothing toad to> 
 quarrel with our beaux for liking fixteen bet- 
 ter than fixty but mind me, and don't mind 
 her for I (hall be fixteen next birth day. 
 
 P. S. WI-HTN fays he's . going to powder, 
 fo I muil leave off, though 1 have fifty things. 
 to fay. 
 
 P. S. "Oh! have you feen the new 
 " thing-a-mies that Mifs What's-her namej 
 brought from Paris ? they fay there will 
 
 " be*
 
 Ko. 20. VARIETY. 165 
 
 * be nothing el fe-worn-^my pen isfbcloggetf 
 *' with powder, I <car only- '/ay once more 
 adieu and be fure you do as I bid you 
 all the men do exactly as I hid them." 
 
 I MUST have been vefy infenfibk not to 
 obey commands conveyed to me in fo pe- 
 remptory and lively a manner, and therefore, 
 refolved to go and procure a patter^ of 
 her new gown, before I difcovered, tha 
 in her hafte, (I fuppofe) my young corref- 
 pendent had forgot to add either a nam 
 or date to b/er letter; I therefore fat me down 
 in earneit to confider how I mjght pleafe her, 
 little thinking that my Speculations of 
 Wa/hion, would prove fo honourable to my fair 
 eountry women, as I perceive they will. 
 
 HERE let me exult in the reflection, that I 
 am born to celebrate an asra. in Englifh 
 liiftory, when modefty is arrived at its highell 
 pitch j when the extreme delicacy both in our 
 words find drcfs, makes it very difficult to 
 ipeak of former times without {hocking the 
 ars (if they have any) cf fine Ladies and 
 Gentlemen. All my predeceffbrs were con- 
 tinually lamenting the indecency of Ladies in 
 their time ; the SPECTATOR found full em- 
 ployment in pulling down their petticoats, or 
 I 1 pulling
 
 166 VARIETY. No. 20. 
 
 pulling up their tuckers ; and the author 
 of the WORLD, fpeaks of Ladies " moulting 
 " their clothes, and fliudders left they fhould 
 " ftrip and appear ftark naked in the depth of 
 " winter, making both ends meet." 
 
 POETS in former ages, celebrated parts 
 of the human body, which muft not now be 
 named or hinted at ; but without going back 
 to the defcriptions in the fong of Solomon, we 
 can hardly read a Pope, a Prior, or a Dryden, 
 without wondering at the bold indecencies of 
 their language, and I would ferioufly recom- 
 mend that in all future editions of thofe 
 authors, proper alterations be made, fuch for 
 inftance as this, 
 
 On her white breajl a fparkling crofs (he wore, 
 Which Jews might kifs, and Infidels adore. 
 
 This pafTage is now hardly intelligible, 
 unlefs the whitenefs is fuppofcd to allude to 
 the gauze handkerchief, for it could never be 
 fuppofed that Ladies difplayed their breafts ; 
 yet from the feveral epithets of heaving, 
 panting, fwelling, &c. which we every where 
 meet with in our beft Englifti authors, we 
 muft either fuppofe that there was no decency 
 in thofe times, or that the Poetic licence em- 
 powered thefe bold gentry to examine what 
 
 they
 
 No. 20. V A R I E T Y. 167 
 
 they have fo faithfully defcribed. So late as 
 the year 1770, when I was abroad, it was the 
 fafhion in Germany, for women not only 
 to difplay their naked bofoms, but their 
 gowns were fo contrived, that both their 
 fhoulders and elbows were perfectly unco- 
 vered; while in France, though women feem- 
 ed to (hew as much, it was impoflible to 
 fee their (kins, at leaft to touch them; for 
 they covered their face and neck with a coat 
 of paint, fo thick, that there could be no in- 
 delicacy in any quanity of their perfons which 
 they might choofe to expofe to view : yet they 
 contrived to referve a particular fpot of pure 
 naturil complexion for great favourites ; this 
 I difcovered by the condefcenfionof a charm- 
 i ing little Marquife, who when (he found me 
 . obftinate in claiming a falute a f Angloh^ 
 : at our parting, (he pointed with her fore 
 ; finger to a place near the tip of her ear, fay- 
 lins, " tenez mechant diable d'il faut que 
 tc vous me baifez, touchez la;" and I have 
 fince thought that from hence might come the 
 phrafe of " gaining a Lady's ear." 
 
 HISTORIANS tell us that the original inha- 
 
 .tbitants of Britain went naked ; but tho' that 
 
 i;was neceflary to comply with the fafliion 
 
 of thofe times, they covered the whole of 
 
 their
 
 66 V A R. I E T Y, No. 20, 
 
 their body with paint of fuch a thicknefs as 
 4o keep the fexes at a certain diftance fronv 
 each other's per Tons ; yet the whole fhap? 
 und, contour of the limbs muft have been vit 
 libly expofed ; and though they endeavoured 
 to conceal their earthly bodies, by various re- 
 firefentations of the heavenly bodies painted 
 on them; yet I think .our prefent notions of 
 "decorum -would have been greatly fliocked ; 
 for however well the fun and moon, and ftars, 
 might be executed on their bare flefh, 1 am 
 afraid they could never be half fo elegant 
 a covering- as a buftle or a biftmp. 
 
 BUT nosy let me call up the attention of thofe 
 comrnoa place maralillii, .who lameiit the degei-ij 
 -neracy of modern times, and thedecreafeofmo-l 
 <3e{ly and virtue. So far from expcfing to thea 
 vlilgareye an <-lbo\v, a fhouldcr, or a bofomji 
 few lovers can boaft of- having feen their mif-^ 
 trefs difplay a. throat, an ear, or even a chin;1 
 the arms are covered with a length of fleeve,^ 
 unknown: to the moft prudifh of our females 
 anceftors, and when a fafliionable morningi 
 cap is worn, the tip end of the nofe, and! 
 centre of the mouth, ar all the features thafl 
 are-vifi'He ; and I have no doubt but thatthe-f 
 delicacy of the fex, will at length invent a:-i 
 covering even for thefe. But why fhould Llj 
 
 fuggeft/l
 
 No. 20. VARIETY. ,69 
 
 fuggeft hints to my fair countrywomen, whofe 
 fafhionable modefty has almoft entirely fhut 
 them out from our view ; they have with won- 
 derful art contrived to become almoft invifible, 
 while they occupy more fpace than ever, and 
 evade our fight, tho' they are three times their 
 natural fize. To explain this to after- ages, 
 I muft acquaint them that English Ladies in 
 the years 1786 and 87, effected this miraculous 
 jdifguife, not only by covering, but by adding 
 Ifuch forms and fliapes to the thing concealed, 
 i as 'tis impoffible to believe could ever grow up- 
 fbn a human body. Lately the Faculty were 
 alarmed at the epidemical fwellings which ap- 
 foeared behind, till on examination they were 
 Found to proceed from the unnatural ufe of 
 Dorics; a fafliion fo whimfical and unpre- 
 fcedented, that Sir Afton Leaver thought 
 |U right to preferve a fpecimen of thefe pofte- 
 |ior ornaments, in his valuable Mufeum, to 
 hew pofterity the manner in which corks 
 fjrere fitted to their grand-mothers. About 
 ijhe fame time, moft enormous protuberances 
 Mzed a ]l ranks of females in front, which at 
 Hrft it was feared proceeded from cancerous 
 (ffea.ons ; but on a clofer examination 
 : thefe formidable tumors, it was difcovered, 
 (Hat there was often nothing in 'em -, but that 
 
 i ,
 
 z 7 o VARIETY. No. 20, 
 
 by the help of ftarch, wire, and whalebone, 
 Ladies could raife their bofoms to their 
 mouths (like cropper pigeons) without pain. 
 This fafliion would furnifh a powerful argu- 
 ment for the Superior difcretion of jnodert, 
 Belles, if it were .neceflary 4 for who wouk 
 hefitate to truft any fecret to a Lady's bofom 
 where there is room to conceal a lap dog, 01 
 even a lover, if lie could be made to fold am 
 flip into himfelf like a Lady's hiding fan ? 
 
 SOME ill-natured carpers have pretended t< 
 find fault with this fort of bofom man-trap 
 and tell us, that thofe hide moft, who hav< 
 really leaft to {hew ; if this be fa, it is arran 
 dwindling, obtaining credit for charms 01 
 falfe pretences ; or to fay the leaft of it, f trj 
 like the difguifes in French -cookery, where 
 .man who chufes a di{h : by its appearance 
 may find a fkinny breaft (.f mutton, where h 
 .expe&ed a delicious tongue and udder. 
 
 A FEW evenings ago, as I paflld throug 
 t\\c Strand, in my way to tea with the fafhion 
 .able Widow Jainture, I was befet by fome c 
 thofe miferable objects who difgrace the ftreet 
 of this metropolis, and having extricated my 
 felf from a groupe almoft as naked as tK 
 GoddeiTes on Mount Ida ; I was engaged b 
 a train of thoughts upon the comraft 
 
 o
 
 No. 20. V A R I E T V. i 71 
 
 our modeft women's drefs, till I reached the 
 houfe ; but when the fervant opened the par- 
 Jour door, 1 ftmed back, fuppofing that by 
 miftake, he had (hewn me into the Lady's 
 tfreffing room, the company being all females, 
 and moft of them in their toift fleeves; I 
 blufhed, begged pardon, and would have re- 
 tired, when the fair Widow dragged me 
 in, and explained the whole myftery; itfeems 
 ihe and her friends were drefled in what they 
 called Cbtmife la Reine, but fuch is the 
 extreme delicacy of Englifli Ladies, that 
 though 'tis fashionable to wear a (hift like 
 that of the Queen of France, yet in this 
 'Tountry, it is worn over the gowns, and the 
 Ladies all affured me, they had the ufuaj 
 quantity of Englifli linen underneath. Can 
 ay thing more ftrongly evince the decency of 
 the prefent times that where faftion makes 
 it necefiary to (hew an under garment, it is 
 done without the fmalleft violation of deco- 
 Nim, by this ingenious mode of making a 
 jouble fhift ? 
 
 THE only people who can complain of 
 
 his em-elopement of perfon, are Sculptors and 
 
 inters, who confider Li JVW, or reprefent- 
 
 | naked figures, as the higheft excellence 
 
 1 ^ of
 
 i 7 2 V A R I E T Y. No. 20; 
 
 of their profeflion ; they can now only fhew 
 their fkill in works of imagination, fuch 
 as mermaids, fyrens, fphinxes, and the like 
 monftrous animals. I would advife thefe 
 Gentlemen to turn their attention to drapery, 
 flnce they muft foon find full employment in 
 making handkerchiefs and tuckers to all 
 our .family pictures, to hide the nakednefs of 
 thofe who lived before the introduction of dry 
 nurfing. 
 
 NUM-
 
 No, 21. VARIETY. 
 NUMBER XXI. 
 
 HP I M E, contrary to the nature of every 
 * other pofleffion, is moft neglected by 
 him, who has moft of it upon his hands. 
 Whenever I feel myfelf inclined to be idle and 
 thoughtlefs, my cuftom is, to put on my hat 
 and ftroll through the ftreets juft as accid.ent 
 prompts me ; for there, it is impoffible to be 
 either idJe or thoughtlefs, becaufe the objefts 
 are in a continued wave of Variety ; and the 
 avoiding cart wh*fc, < ?3W5?Kd urn* 
 ! trella flicks, always provides fufficient em- 
 ployment for both mind and body. I had 
 i yeilerday juft walked off one of thefe-fits,. as 
 Ifoundmyfelf at the door of afrind,as idle as 
 myfelf, but from whofe leifure I had been of- 
 I ten promifed a paper for Parity ; I knocked, 
 gave in my name, and the fervant returned 
 with an anfwer, " my mafter is dreffing, Sir, 
 l< but begs you will fit down till he can come 
 1 3 "t
 
 *74 V A R I E T Y. Nb. 21-, 
 
 " to you, in the mean while he defires to re- 
 " commend a volume of Lloyd's St. James's 
 " Magazine, in which he hopes you will find 
 *' fomething new." I fmiled at the idea 
 of looking for novelty in an old Magazine, 
 but earelefsly turning over the leaves, I dif- 
 covercd a M, S poem in my friend's hand 
 writing. 
 
 WHETHER like the appetite after exercife,. 
 my mind from having juft fhaken off a fit of 
 indolence, became more craving and keen in 
 her exertions, another time mult determine ; 
 at prefent I need but obferve, that the perufal 
 of the poem gave me conflderablc pleafure r 
 and from a belief that my fatisfadtion pro- 
 ceeded rather from its own- merit, than: 
 the ftate of my mind at the time, I ihall fub- 
 join a few extracts from it, with fuch obfer- 
 vations as occurred <t me on its firft perufal. 
 The idea feems to have been fuggefted by the 
 almoft total defertion of the Tragic Mufe, 
 and by remarking the ill fuccefs that has 
 of late attended the Tragedies of the prefent 
 *lay ; an event that proves the fluctuating 
 ftateof fafhion, which, when even founded on 
 a juft admiration of great powers and fineadt- 
 ing, has not been able to ftasid the teft of more 
 than two 01 three years. But to our poem,: 
 <>l J To
 
 <y.2T. V A ft I E T Y. 175 
 
 Ta Jove in Council t'other day, 
 Sitting (fo Heavenly records fay) 
 MELPOMENE in fears complained, 
 That Comedy alone now reigned; 
 That mortals felt, fhe knew not why, 
 Afraid to fee a Hero die., 
 In verfe, ihat i?, for us t6 prpfe, J 
 
 The ftage cou'd fhew a bloody nofe, > 
 
 Receiv'd with rapture by Mendoze'. J 
 Then fhe haranguM with tragic wail, 
 And told a piteous doleful tale. 
 
 How TRIUMPH, who in wanton car, 
 Had dragg'd the enfTaved fons of war, 
 Was forc'd to lay her carriage down, 
 And walk on foot to take her crown. 
 
 Her torch refufing now to burn, 
 AUECTO fcarce her bread cou'd earn ; 
 Kick'd out from all but good old Drury, 
 She look'd ftill more and more the Fury. 
 
 HowSviciDE, for want . of pel f f 
 Had rais'd her dagger 'gainft herfelf. 
 And POISON in defpair, (poor foul !) 
 Seem'd half inclin'd to tafte her bowl. 
 
 That MADNESS was fo raving grown, 
 She fcarce cou'd call one lock her own j 
 And that 'twou'd take at leaft a year, 
 To grow another head of hair. 
 
 1 4 Then
 
 *tf> VARIETY. No. ?T. 
 
 THEN follows a recital of the neglect and 
 mortification fuffcred by Tragic Authors and 
 A&ors j and h*r fpeech clofes with the enu- 
 meration of poor Melpomene's own griev- 
 ances, which take up many lines, and though 
 all painted with the fame juftnefs and ftrength 
 of colouring, would exceed in detail the 
 limits of our paper. The Author then pro- 
 ceeds : 
 
 All this (he urg'd, and much more too; 
 The reft the Poet never knew ; 
 His record only fays, the maid 
 Great pathos in her caufe difplay'd ; 
 Adding, " there was an end to merit, 
 ' And that indeed (he cou'd not bear it." 
 She cou'd not ; no; by all that's good, 
 (Far be't from him to think (he cou'd.) 
 
 AND here let me addrefs the claflic reader 
 who no doubt, in the 
 
 Far be't from him to think (he cou'd, 
 
 
 muft obfcrve a ftrong refcmblance to the fa- 
 mous paflage in the fixth book of the JEneid, 
 which whale book is neither more nor lefs 
 than that moft admirable of poetic machines, 
 a Galanty Sheiu, and exhibits a proof that Ma- 
 gic 'Lanthorns exiited fo~far back as the days 
 
 of 

 
 No. 21. VARIETY. 177 
 
 f Auguftus. In that book Virgil pafles 
 a review of all the Romans of any note, and 
 like a modern Shew man, who (huts the 
 fcene up with the exhibition of fome monfter 
 or Monarch of the prefent period, the Poet 
 concludes his fhew with the (hade of Marcel- 
 Jus ? in compliment to O&avia before whom he 
 rehearfed it. After telling us 
 
 Hunc tantum oftendent tern's fata, 
 
 he winds up the intending climax with that 
 fine apoftrophe to the fhade itfelf, 
 
 Heu miferande puer ! liqua fata afpera rumpas, 
 Tu Marcellus eris. 
 
 I HAVE no doubt but our Poetalfo had the 
 
 " > i ;,: W , . i^. ', . - !{ 
 
 Fungar inani raune s re 
 
 in his mind, and which he confidered as 
 a friendly tribute due to the feelings of MEL- 
 POM RNE; and thou-gh his apoftrophe may not 
 \>e To pathetic as Virgil's, (nor was it necef- 
 fary that it {houldbefo) yet we muft allow it 
 is introduced with equal propriety. 
 
 THEN follows a defcription of the effe&s 
 which her appeal had on Jupiter : 
 
 E'en Jove himfelf in pity lent, 
 AD ear to ev'ry argument ; 
 
 1 5 With
 
 x 7 8 VARIETY. No. 21. 
 
 With face as meek as water gruel, 
 He chuck'd her chin, and " faith 'twas cruel, ' y 
 '* 'Twas hard, by Styx, he cried 'twas hard," 
 ' He pitied ev'ry Tragic Bard ; 
 *' But for herfelf fvveet maid, he thought 
 ' Her cafe with ev'ry hardfhip fraught ; 
 Si**. And if his int'reil cou'd enhance 
 " Her claim, flie'd have his countenance." 
 He fpoke, then llroking fmooth his beard, 
 Defir'd the Gods might be prepar'di 
 And fummon'd to attend above. 
 
 Subpoenas ifl'ued fign'd by Jove, 
 *' Witnefs ourfelf upon Olympus," 
 And ev'ry Di&mon, God, and imp was 
 Serv'd with the order to debate, 
 Melpomene's unhappy fate. 
 
 BY cuftom immemorial, when Poets have 
 any great defign to execute, they are allowed 
 to feel fome diffidence of their being equal to 
 it. Homer, Virgil, Milton, all addrefs their 
 Mufes under fuch imprefiions. Our Author's 
 defign heceis to draw a picture of the different 
 Deities afcending to Olympus, to attend the 
 trial, and feeling this commendable ruodcfty,, 
 he exclaims^ 
 
 Oh ! that I'd powers to fing or fay, 
 The wonders of this wond'rous day ! ! ! 
 
 Thus
 
 
 No. 2i. VARIETY. 179 
 
 Thus in two lines exprefiing as much as ano- 
 ther could have done in twenty. But having 
 compared the confufion to a call of the 
 Houfe, or rather to the thronging together of 
 til the great men of a County, to attend a 
 Quarter Seflion, he tells us, - 
 
 How Vulcan on his game leg* buftl'd ; 
 And in -his harry Neptune huftl'd ; 
 Of all odd fights fure this the oddeft ! 
 Goddefs- on God, and God on Goddefs, 
 Promifcuous mounted on the wing, . 
 Like onions bunch'd on the fame firing, 
 But hold! Tome people titter, fee ; "" 
 Ladies, there's-no indecency-. 
 For tho' they rofe one top of t'other, 
 And Ci/pitfftew beneath his mother; 
 Each Goddefs (mark my words I beg) 
 Wore Opera Draw'rs to hide her leg. 
 
 THE above pafiage is perfectly natural, 
 The Poet, trembling more for the unclean-* 
 nefs of other men's imaginations, than his 
 own, halts under the alarm, left fome wicked 1 
 wit fhould fancy he had difcovered that Mi* 
 nerva's ancles were rather thicker than her un- 
 ckrftanding ; or that Pfyche^ who before her 
 marriage with Cupid, was the neateft creaturs 
 in the world, had fince become fo great 2. flat-, 
 tern- as to garter below knee, and tie up her 
 I 6 ftockings*
 
 i8o VARIETY. No. 21. 
 
 ftockings with a piece of packthread, or 
 a dirty ribbon. After defcribing the perfons 
 and drefles of many of the celeftials, the poem 
 fays, 
 
 But fure our Poet need not (loop, 
 
 To take the fize of ev'ry hoop ; 
 
 Whether the dames wore itays or jumps 
 
 Reduc'd their botbms and their rumps. 
 
 If Juno fpffrte tl * fky blue, 
 
 Or pink, ov buff, or fomething new ; 
 
 It matters not, for thro' this fport, 
 
 We never ihall g x et into Court: 
 
 Suppofc ourfelves then ilanders by, 
 
 Viewing 7 this Jury of Uie fky ; 
 
 Suppnfe each God being fworn and feated, 
 
 Mr. Chief Juftice Jo<ve has greeted ; 
 
 The uriefs deliver' d, Counfel feed, 
 
 The caufe'call'U on, they thus proceed. 
 
 THEN follow the arguments of the Plead- 
 ers, examination of Witncfles, Jove** fum- 
 ming up of the Evidence, and at length the 
 ckcifion of the Gods, viz. That as pafli- 
 ons were given to mankind to be the (ource 
 of good or evil, and as the experience of 
 centuries had not impeaclud the wifdom of 
 fuch a fyftem, it v/as bad precedent to inter- 
 rupt its operation till fume inconvenience 
 
 made
 
 No. ii. VARIETY. . 181 
 
 made it neceffary to do fo ; that is, in plain 
 English, and to ufe a very vulgar proverb, no 
 more than faying, " let every man follow his 
 ** nofe, and go to the devil his own way ;" a 
 decifion particularly honourable to the liberty 
 of the foil we breath in, where each man 
 picks out and purfues that path which feems 
 the neareft to him, and either cuts his throat 
 or blows his brains out, as Fear or Fancy 
 may direct. Tho* however the decree is wif- 
 dom, it is ahardfhip on poor 1 Melpomene^ whom 
 as the ruined Heroine of his poem, the Au- 
 thor thus compaffionates : 
 
 But oh ! let pity heave a figk, 
 
 And drop her tear to mifery ; 
 
 Juftice, fhe owns, (hou'd aft with vigour^ 
 
 But even juitice may berigoqr: 
 
 Andvvhiiethe head approves the law, 
 
 The heart wou'd gladly find a flaw. 
 
 AFTER thus lamenting the fate 
 mentj and that there (hould not be any appeal 
 from the decrees of Jove in Council, (though 
 if he has any regard for the Muftr, he would 
 never wifh to put her into Equity} the manu- 
 fcript difplays the triumph of Comedy at ihe 
 defeat of her fifter, and that Mifs Thalia, not- 
 withftanding the Court has fat fo long, pre- 
 
 pares
 
 iSl VARIETY. No. an 
 
 pares to announce her vi&ory to the mad- 
 headed fons of earth that very night. 
 
 At twelve, I think, yes twelve; I'm right : 
 (For Mufes vifit in the night). 
 And tho' fome folk may cry the trade is 
 A little ftrange far modeft Ladies) 
 Yet think what mortal dare refufe 
 Admittance to a knocking Mufe? 
 Knowing her rap, pray where's the fin, 
 To rife and let the Goddefs in<L- 
 
 THALIA is new on the pinion for our lir-- 
 tle world in the middle of the night j and this 
 opens a fine field for the defcription of flam- 
 beaux and other wonders, by which her de- 
 fcent was marked ; and the account is- 
 concluded by a beautiful profopopeia, in which 
 he perfonifies Senjibility^ Wit^ and Humour >* 
 and by attributing to their perfons the re- 
 fpedtive features that diftinguifti thefe quali- 
 ties of the mind, has given us a fine piece of 
 canvas, the painting of which makes us feel 
 an intereft for Comedy^ who is fo charming- 
 ly attended. 
 
 Here DANCE and SONG* 
 By Tendrils from a Vine-Twig link'd 
 With anticks at each other wink'd; 
 Led on by. HARMONY'S full band, v 
 
 The Muje appear'd; on her right Land 
 
 Lean'd
 
 No. 21. VARIETY. *0 3 
 
 Lean'd SENSIBILITY, fweet youth-; 
 And WIT that fcorn'd the low untruth,. 
 Good nature written in his face, 
 lie fpoke with fuch bewitching grace, 
 That tho' his words were keen flrong fenfe, 
 Not one of them' cou'd. give offence j 
 On her left hand, in frolic mood,- 
 Holding his fides, broad HUMOUR flood; 
 Who for his^life cou'd never weep, 
 But laugh'd and giggl'd in his fleep. 
 
 I CANNOT fuffer the reader to go on with- 
 out here requefting, that he will again perufe 
 this charming defcription of the Attendants 
 of Comedy^ and if he is not pleafed with it 
 he may conclude that he has no tafte for po- 
 etry. 
 
 THE Author then defcribes the effect this 
 decree had on various Tragic Writers j but 
 I (halt fele&only the following lines y which 
 J hope are written prophetically : 
 
 The far heard found neach'd Jepfr/onrs ears, 
 
 "Jephfon with Julia fat in tears, 
 
 His arm thrown fondly round her waift, 
 
 Sad fatire on the public tafte) 
 
 With woe paft atteranceelate r 
 
 They fat in filent forrow's ftate. 
 
 As Wit for them had loft its zeft, li i" 
 
 Each urn'd and wept in t'other's breaft, 
 
 IQ
 
 i$4 VARIETY. No. 21. 
 
 In Irifh emphafis he fwpre, 
 Never to foil his paper more. 
 Vows, made 'neath Pafflon's influence, 
 Againftall rule of common fenfe, 
 Honour bids break; we praife with pride, 
 The man who owns that nobler guidfiL 
 Propriety, with bold contrition, 
 Who fpurns the ignoble fuperftition 
 Of a weak oath ; weak only when 
 Our hand fubfcribes with folly's pen, 
 Jepbfon but fwore to mew us how, 
 Merit fhou'd break a ram made vow)> 
 
 / 
 THE Poem now concludes wi^h telling us 
 
 that the triumph of Comedy was very fhort, for 
 fick of the forry fluff fhe now met with, and 
 having no hopes from either Murphy or Sbcri- 
 dan^ who had each burnt their pens, the 
 Mufe Thalia returned to Olympus in almoft a* 
 great diftrefs as her fifter, declaring that the 
 Genius of N on fenfe had by the help of Farce and 
 Pantomime^ taken full pofleifion of the ftage, 
 and the Poem finifhes with thefe lines : 
 
 Nor, Reader, fhoud'ft thou hence infer 
 On either Mufe'* fame, a flur ; 
 Our taile, and not their merit's chang'd: 
 (The world 'neaih folly'* baimer rang'd) 
 
 Our
 
 No. 31. VARIETY, 
 
 Our Authors with corrupted thirft, 
 
 Now flruggle who (hall be the firft 
 
 To paint the ableft Scaramouch : 
 
 Nor will the Poet's forelight 
 
 The A&or's laurel may not foon 
 
 "Be grafted on the beft BufTodn ; 
 
 And Wit, and Senfe, each yield his place, 
 
 To the wild nonfenfe, odd grimace, 
 
 Of W*'b fong, and Edwin's face. 
 
 NUM- 

 
 186 VARIETY. No. 22, 
 
 NUMBER XXIL 
 
 S I R, 
 
 I LABOUR under a fpecies of diftrcfs,. 
 which I fear will at length drive me ut- 
 terly from that fociety, in which I am moft 
 ambitious to appear j but I will give you a 
 fhort (ketch of my origin and prefent fitua- 
 tion, by which you will be enabled to judge 
 of my difficulties. 
 
 MY Father was a farmer of no great pro- 
 perty, and with no other learning than what 
 he had acquired at a charity-fchool ; but my 
 mother being dead, and I an only child, he 
 determined to give me that advantage, which 
 he fancied would have made him happy, viz^ 
 a. learned education.! was fent to a coun- 
 try
 
 No. 22. V A R I E 'T Y. 187 
 
 try grammar-fchool, and from thence to the 
 Univerfity, with a view of qualifying for 
 holy orders. Here, having but fmall allow- 
 "ance from my father, and being naturally of 
 * ; timid and bafhful difpofition, I had no op 
 portunity of rubbing off that native awk- 
 wardnefs, which is the fatal caufe of all my 
 unhappinefs, and which I now begin to fear 
 Van never be amended. You muft know, that 
 in my perfon I am tall and thirr, with a fair 
 complexion, and light flaxen hair j but of 
 ~fuch extreme fulceptibility of fliame, that on 
 the fmalleft fubjed of confufion, my blood 
 -all rufhes into my cheeks, and I appear a per- 
 fect full-blown rofe. The confcioufnefs of 
 this unhappy failing, made me avoid fociety, 
 and I became enamoured of a college life ; 
 particularly when I reflected, that the un- 
 couth manners of my father's family, were 
 little calculated to improve my outward con- 
 'duit; I therefore, had refolved on living at 
 the Univerfity and taking pupUs, when two 
 unexpected events greatly altered the pof- 
 ture of my affairs, viz. my father's death, 
 and the arrival of an uncle from the Indies. 
 
 THIS uncle 1 had very rarely heard my 
 
 father mention, and it was generally, believed 
 
 I that he was long fmce dead, when he arrived in, 
 
 England
 
 i88 V A R I E.T Y. No. 2*, 
 
 England only a week too late to clofe his bro- 
 ther's eyes. I am afhamed to confefs, what I 
 believe has been often experienced by thofe, 
 whofe education has been better than their 
 parents, that my poor father's ignorance, and 
 vulgar language, had often made me blufli to 
 think I was his fon; and at his death I was 
 not i neon fol able for the lofs of that, which 
 I was not unfrequently afhamed to own. My 
 unck was but little affe&ed, for he had been 
 feparated from his brother more than thirty 
 year?, and in that time he had acquired a 
 fortune v-'hich he uffd to brag, would make 
 a Nabob happy ; in fhort, he had brought 
 over with him the enormous fum of thirty 
 thoufand pounds, and upon this he built his 
 hopes of never-ending happinefs. While he 
 was planning fchemes of greatnefs and de- 
 light, whether the change of climate might 
 affect him, or what other caufe I know not, 
 but he was fnatched from all his dreams of 
 joy by a fhort illnefs, of which he died, leav- 
 ing me heir to all his property. And now, 
 Sir, behold me at the age of twenty-five^ well 
 flocked with Latin, Greek, and Mathe- 
 matics, poflelTed of an ample fortune, but 
 fo awkard and unverfed in every gentleman- 
 like
 
 No. 22, VARIETY. 189 
 
 like accomplifhment, that I am pointed at bjr 
 all who fee me, as the wealthy learned clown. 
 
 I HAVE lately purchafed an eftate in the 
 country, which abounds in (what is called) a 
 fashionable neighbourhood j and when you 
 reflect on my parentage and uncouth manner, 
 you will hardly think how much my com- 
 pany is courted by the furrounding families, 
 (efpecially by thofe who have marriageable 
 daughters) : From thefe gentlemen I have re- 
 ceived familiar calls, and the moft pre/Sng 
 invitations, and though I wifhed to accept 
 their offered friendftiip, I have repeatedly 
 excufed myfelf under the pretence of not 
 being quite fettled ; for the truth is, that 
 when I have rode or walked, with full inten- 
 tion to retarn their feveral vifits, my heart 
 has failed me as I approached their gates, and 
 I have frequently returned homeward, re- 
 folving to try again to-morrow. 
 
 HOWEVER, I at length determined to con- 
 quer my timidity, and three days ago, ac- 
 cepted of an invitation to dine this day with 
 one, whofe open eafy manner, left me no 
 room to dor.bt a cordial welcome. Sir THO- 
 MAS FRIENDLY, who lives about two miles 
 diftant, is a baronet, with about two thou- 
 fand pounds a year eftate, joining to that I 
 
 purchafed 3
 
 190 VARIETY. N f o. az, 
 
 purchafed j he has two fons, and five daugh- 
 ters, all grown up, and living with their 
 mother and a maiden fifter of Sir THOMAS'S, 
 at Friendly-Hall^ dependant on their father. 
 Confcious of my unpolifhed gait, I have for 
 fame time paft, taken private leflbns of a Pro- 
 feffor^ who teaches " grown gentlemen to 
 " dance;" and though I at firft found wond- 
 erous difficulty in the art he taught, my 
 knowledge of the mathematics was of pro- 
 digious ufe, in teaching me the equilibrium 
 of my body, and the due adjuftment of 
 the centre of gravity to the five pofiti- 
 ons. Having now acquired the art of walk- 
 ing without tottering, and learned to make 
 a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the baron- 
 et's invitation to a family dinner, not doubt- 
 ing but my new acquirements would enable 
 me to fee the ladies with tolerable intrepidity : 
 but alas ! how vain are all the hopes of 
 theory^ when unfupported by habitual praftice 
 As 1 approached the houfe, a dinner bell al- 
 armed my fears, left I had fpoiled the dinner 
 by want of punctuality j imprefied with this 
 idea, 1 blufhed the deepeft crimfon, as my 
 name was repeatedly announced by the feveral 
 livery fervants, who ufhcred me into the 
 library, hardly knowing what or whom I 
 
 faw j
 
 "No. 22. V A R I E T Y. 
 
 191 
 
 faw ; at my firft entrance, I fummoned all my 
 fortitude, and made my new-learned bow to 
 Lady FRIENDLY, but unfortunately in bring- 
 ing back my left foot to the third pofition, I 
 trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir THOMAS, 
 who had followed clofe at my heels, to be the 
 Nomenclator of the family. The confufion 
 this occafioned in me^ is hardJy to be con- 
 ceived, fmce none but baflaful men can judge of 
 my diftrefs, and of that defcription, the number 
 I believe is very fmall. The Baronet's polite- 
 nefsbydegrees.difllpatedmyconcern,andlwas 
 aftoniflied to fee how far good breeding could 
 enable him to fupprefs his feelings, and to 
 appear with perfeft eafe, after fo painful an 
 accident. 
 
 THE ch*erfulnefs of her Ladyflup, and the 
 familiar chat of the young ladies, infenfibly 
 Jed me to throw offmy referve and fheepifh- 
 Jiefs, till at length I ventured to join in con- 
 verfation, and even to ftart frefli fubjeas. 
 The library being richly furnifhed with boolcs 
 in elegant bindings, I conceived Sir THO- 
 MAS to be a man of literature, and ventured 
 <to give my opinion concerning the feveral 
 .editions of the Greek claffics, in which 
 -the Baronet's opinion exactly coincided with 
 my own. To this fubjeft I was led, by 
 *>bferving an edition of Xenopbon in fixteen 
 
 volumes,
 
 VARIETY. No. 42. 
 
 volumes, which (as I had never before heard 
 of fuch a thing) greatly excited my curiofity, 
 and I rofe up to examine what it could be : Sir 
 THOMAS law what 1 was about, and (as I 
 fuppofe) willing to fave me trouble, rofe 
 take down the book, which made me me 
 eager to prevent him, and haftily laying 
 hand on the firft volume, I pulled it forcibly 
 but lo ! inftead of books, a board, which 
 leather and gilding had been made to lool 
 like fixteen volumes, came tumbling dowi 
 and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgwood ink- 
 ftand on the table under it. In vain did Sir 
 THOMAS aflure me, there was no harm ; I 
 faw the ink ftreaming from an inlaid table 01 
 the Turkey carpet, and fcarce knowing what I 
 did, attempted to ftop its progrefs with my 
 carnbrick handkerchief. In the height of this 
 confufion, we were informed that dinner ws 
 ferved up, and I with joy perceived that 
 bell, which at firft had fo alarmed my fears, 
 was only the half hour dinner-bell. 
 
 IN walking through the hall, and fuite 
 apartments to the dining-room, I had time 
 collect my fcattered fenfes, and wasdefired 
 take my feat betwixt Lady FRIENDLY and 
 eldeft daughter at the table. Since the fal 
 of the wooden Xenophon, my face had 
 
 continual!]
 
 No. 22. VARIETY. 193 
 
 continually burning like a firebrand, and t 
 was juft beginning to recover myfelf, and to 
 feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked for 
 accident, rekindled all my heat and blu(hes t 
 Having fet my plate of foup too near the 
 edge of the table, in bowing to Mifs DINAH, 
 who-politely complimented the pattern of my 
 waiftcoat, I tumbled the whole fcalding con- 
 tents into my lap. In fpite'of an immediate 
 ftipply of napkins to wipe the furface of my 
 cloath?, my black filk breeches were not flout 
 enough to fave me from the painful effe&s of 
 this fudden fomentation, and for fomc mi- 
 nutes, my legs and thighs feemed ftevving in a 
 boiling cauldron j but recollecting how Sir 
 THOMAS had difguifed his torture, when I 
 trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in 
 filence, and fat with my lower extremities 
 parboiled, amidft the ftifled giggling of the 
 ladies and the fervants. 
 - I WILL not relate the feveral blunders 
 which I made during the firft courfe, or the 
 diftrefs occafioned by my beingdefired tocarve 
 a fowl, or help to various difhes that flood 
 near me, fpilling a fauce-boat, and knocking 
 down a fait- feller ; rather let me haften to the 
 'fecond courfe, " where frefh difafters over' 
 u whelmed me quite." 
 
 K I HAD
 
 194 VARIETY. No. 22. 
 
 I HAD a piece of rich fweet pudding on 
 my fork, when Mifs LOUISA FkiENDLY 
 begged to trouble me for a pigeon, that flood 
 near me; in my hafte, fcarce knowing what 
 I did., I whi-pped the pudding into my mouth, 
 hot as a burning coal ; it was impoflible to 
 conceal my agony, my eyes were frarting from 
 their fockets. At laft, in fpite of .fhame and 
 refolution, I was obliged to drop the caufe of 
 torment on my plate. Sir THOMAS and the 
 Ladies all compaflionated my mi.sforfune, 
 and each advifcd a different application , one 
 recommended oil, another water, but all 
 agreed that wine was beft for drgwing out the 
 fire; and a glafs of fherry was brought me 
 from the fide-board, which I fnatched up with 
 ^agernefs : but, oh t how {hall I tell the 
 fequel ? whether the butler by accident mif- 
 took, or purpofely defigned to drive me mad 
 he gave me the iirongeft brandy, with which 
 I filled my mouth, already flea'd arid bliftured ; 
 totally unufed to every kind of ardent fpirits, 
 with my tongue., throat, and palate, as 
 raw as beef, what could 1 do ? I could not 
 fwallow, and clapping my hands upon my 
 mouth, the curfed liquor fquirted through 
 my nofe and fingers like a fountain, over aM 
 the diihes i and I was eruihed by burflrs of 
 
 laughter
 
 No. 22. V A R I E T V. 195 
 
 daughter 'from all quarters, Tn vain did Sir 
 THOMAS reprimand the fervants, and Lady 
 FRIENDLY chide her daughters ; for t-hemea- 
 /ure of my (hame and their diversion was 
 not yet compleat. To relieve me from the 
 intolerable (late of perfpiration, which this 
 accident had caufed, without considering what 
 I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated 
 fcand kerchief, which was ftill wet from the 
 'Confequences of the fall of Xenopbm^ and 
 "covered all my features with ftreaks of ink in 
 every diretron. The Baronet himfelf 
 could not fupport this (hock, but joined his 
 4 Lady in the general laugh ; while I fprung 
 from the table in defpaip, rufhed out of the 
 houfe, and ran home in an agony of confu- 
 iion and difgrace, which the moft poig- 
 nant fenfe of guilt could not have excited. 
 
 THUS, without having deviated from the 
 
 path of moral rectitude, I am fuffering tor- 
 
 i ments like a " goblin damn'd." The lower 
 
 I half of me has been almoft boiled, my 
 
 I tongue and mouth grill'd, and I bear the 
 
 '. mark of CAIN upon my forehead ; yet thefe 
 
 are but trifling confiderations, to the ever- 
 
 | lafting ftiame which I muft feel, whenever 
 
 this adventure fhall be mentioned j perhaps 
 
 K Z by
 
 196 VARIETY. No. 22. 
 
 by your affiftance, when my neighbours 
 know how much I feel on the occafion, they 
 will fpare a bajbful man, and (as I am juft 
 informed my poultice is ready) I truft you 
 will excufe the hafte in which I fubfcribe 
 myfelf, 
 
 Yours, &c. 
 
 MONGRELL MORELL. 
 
 N U
 
 No. 23. VARIETY. 197- 
 
 NUMBER XXIII. 
 
 IF we take a view of human life, and con- 
 fider the various employments and pur- 
 fuits of all Ranks in Society, how bufily 
 each is engaged to circumvent his neigh- 
 bour, or to guard againft the Hke attempts 
 on himfelf ; we fliall be apt to conclude, that 
 the chief employment of life is to cheat others, 
 or to prevent being cheated ourfelves. This 
 will appear a harfh declaration to thofe who 
 fancy themfelves honeft, becaufe they have 
 never confidered the full extent and meaning 
 of the odious word cheating: but I fear it 
 would not be difficult to prove, that few in- 
 dividuals have been totally and at all times 
 free, from fomething very near akin to this 
 univerfal practice. The GENTLEMANof great 
 landed property, and ftrift honour towards 
 K 3 his
 
 I 9 8 V A U I E T Y. No. yj.. 
 
 his equals, if he permit his fteward to letfe 
 his land for more than it is fairly worth, may 
 be faid to cheat his tenant of the juft reward 
 of induftry and labour ; and fliould his 
 tradefmens' bills be deferred for debts of hon- 
 our, he cheats them of the intereft of their 
 money. TRADE exifts only by what the 
 gentleman would call difhonourable cheating; 
 for if a man of landed property, refiding in 
 the country, were to defire another who was 
 going to London, to buy any article for him ;. 
 and if he were afterwards to difcover that his 
 friend had charged him a rreater price than 
 he had actually paid for it,, the perfon who 
 had by fuch difhonourab'-; means obtained 
 advantage, would be exccr. ,d as the meaneft 
 cheat: but not fo the M ::"*. ^t or the Shop- 
 keeper^ it is his bufmefs 'to buy every article 
 in which he deals, at the loweft price ; and"; 
 to fell it with as much advance as poflible t 
 if he could fo fecretly conduct his bargain, 
 that the prime coft could never be difcovered, 
 his confcience would never accufe him of 
 difhonourable cheating, for vending the com- 
 modity at any rate of profit ; and the fole re- 
 ftri&ion by which he is confined, is the com- 
 petition of the neighbouring tradefmen. The 
 Manufafiurer has a better claim to exhorbi- 
 
 tant
 
 No. 23. VARIETY. 199 
 
 , tant advantage, as a reward for invention, 
 ingenuity, and manual labour. The Mer~ 
 thant dedicates his time indeed ; but it is often 
 to mix, confound, perhaps adulterate the 
 various commodities which he imports ; and 
 what is this but cheating? The Shopkeeper 
 difplays his wares in the moft tempting 
 lhapes, and attracts the eye with fuperficial 
 ; excellence, hiding with watchful caution 
 : every blemifh. The fubtle Silk Mercer 
 i darkens the light of Heaven, to cheat you in 
 . the finenefs of his (tuffs ; and the knowing 
 j ^Grocer artfully fets off his dingy fugar, by 
 i placing it on paper of a browner hue. All 
 this they tell you is not cheating, becaufe 
 their neighbours do the fame, and it is their 
 bufinefs. With the fame excufe the Lawyer 
 J pleads a caufe which he knows ought not to 
 j be decided in his favour, and cheats the client 
 ; of a fee. The refiding Vicar reluctantly 
 obeys the call to private acts of devotion, and 
 fpends his breath one hour in a week to ex- 
 plain doctrines which he neither comprehends 
 nor credits ; or to deliver precepts for moral 
 conduct, which he finds himfelf unable to 
 i obey ; denouncing vengeance againft fraud 
 I and cheating j yet he takes for this poor nu- 
 Lgatory fervice, the utmoft farthing which the 
 K 4 law
 
 200 VARIETY. No. 23. 
 
 law allows ; but if he chance to be of higher 
 rank, perhaps a dignitary of the church, he 
 fends a deputy with fcanty falary to perform 
 thefe duties for which he cheats the induftri- 
 ous peafant of one full tenth of all his crops, 
 improved and raifed by anxious labour and 
 fatigue : but it is not cheating ; for cuftom has 
 determined that a wealthy Rector is to have 
 the tythes for doing nothing ! The Beggar 
 cheats by exciting pity, with falfe rags, and a 
 diflembled tale of woe. The Beauty cheats 
 by every curl which nature has denied her 
 perfon, (lie cheats with artificial head, and 
 heels, and tail. 
 
 I COULD adduce a thoufand inftances to 
 prove, how every rank and every profeflion. 
 employ their time in cheating others ; but I 
 muft fhew that it is not Itfs urgently en\- 
 ployed in counteracting the fame intentions 
 of others towards th.m. In our conduct to- 
 wards our fuperiorsy if we have occafion to fa- 
 licit any favour, we muft beware left fpeci- 
 ous promifes cheat us into- hopes which can- 
 not be accomplifhed ; for a fiat rcfufal is ua- 
 courteous; yet all cannot expedt to be obliged, 
 or fervcd. Amongft our equals, if we forcn 
 intimate connections, we muft be cautious,, 
 kit advantage be taken of our friencifhip, and 
 
 our
 
 No. 23. V A R I E T Y. 201 
 
 our open heart be cheated by an ill -deferred 
 confidence ; for however illiberal is the 
 maxim, I fear it has been too often con- 
 iirmed by experience of ingratitude, " that 
 " we fhould truit a friend with cautious pru~ 
 " dence, left he may become an enemy." 
 As to our inferiors and dependants^ every bolt 
 and bar which defend the outfide of our 
 dwellings, and every lock and key with 
 which the infide of a houfe is furnifhed, are 
 arguments how much we dread the general 
 propenfity, to cheat, rob, and plunder us, 
 
 I WAS led to this train of thought, by re- 
 ceiving the following letter from a friend, 
 with whom I have been long acquainted:- 
 
 " My Dear Wat; 
 
 KM,': .. .' : .:' Lf-. r.-i r.r; ;:': '.I r^fHiv isfl " 
 
 . ' YOU will be vexed, if not fuprized tof 
 f* hear, that I am unhappy from a caufe 
 * which you long fmce predicted. In (horf 
 ** I am ruined by the acquifition of fortune. 
 * You have been a witnefs to the fevera! 
 '* ftages of my life: you knew me when at' 
 ** college ; and you approved my marriage,. 
 " on leaving it, with a woman twelve years 1 
 ** older than myfeff ; whofe only qualiftca- 
 " tions were,. a perfon not difagreeable, an* 
 K 5 ardent
 
 202 VARIETY. No. 23. 
 
 *' Ardent love for me ; and a fortune equal 
 *' to my own, with habits of ceconomy to 
 " make the moft of it. You know how we 
 " lived together for nearly ten years in com- 
 * c fortable affluence, without children, and 
 " I may fay, alnioft without care; the only 
 " fource of difquiet I ever experienced, pro- 
 t ceeded from my poor wife's continual of- 
 t( tentation of vigilance, and good houfewife- 
 *' ry ; fometimes (he would difturb a pleafing 
 " train of thought, by producing odd rein- 
 " nants of linen for the family, which foe 
 " had bought at half their intrinfic value} 
 *' at other times I was fummoned to attend 
 <c the unpacking a prodigious cheft of mer- 
 tf chandize, which had been laid in from 
 " London at the wholefale price, becaufe 
 " the village flaopkeeper would add a far- 
 44 thing in the pound to every article. At 
 " breakfaft I was told of new invented trapS 
 " for catching mice, and was convinced of 
 <c their effe&, by having the poor {linking 
 " captives brought in with the bread and 
 <c butter. The comfort of my dinner wa* 
 " deftroyed by comments on the price of 
 " every dilh ; the abatement on a herring, 
 ** or a mackarel ; and the exadl faving of a 
 5* leg of pork, or a fpring chicken } by breed-
 
 No. 23. VARIETY. 203 
 
 * c ing it ourfelves. At (upper, I was to fit in 
 " judgment on fomc mifcreant fervant who 
 " had been goffiping too long ; perhaps 
 I " the gardener had fold a cabbage, or the 
 " cook forgot to fift the cinders clofe j and a 
 " large coal was then produced in evidence, 
 " that had been taken from a neighbouring 
 "dunghill. Thus my days pafled^amidft 
 . " conftant lamentations of my wife, that all 
 ' " the world combined to cheat us : yet I 
 " lived with credit and efteem amongft my 
 " neighbours upon five hundred pounds per 
 tl annum ; and vied in fplendor and domef- 
 " tic comforts with thofe who I was told 
 ** were fpending twice my income. 
 
 " MY union with poor Nelly had rather 
 '" been a match of prudence than of ftrong 
 S" attachment, at leaft on my fide ; (for I be- 
 ''*' licve the old Girl loved me almoft as well 
 f c< as fhe did houfewifery) but by {landing 
 ** half naked at the window, to watch the 
 -" maids one wafhing morning, fhe caught a 
 " c cold, which foon became a putrid fever, 
 <{ and I loft my buftling houfekeeper after 
 " only three days illnefs. You know how 
 l foon I recovered this lofs ; and that before 
 " twelve months expired, I married the ac- 
 ^ complifhed Widow Eafy, with a jointure 
 " of five hundred pounds per annum. We 
 K 6 have
 
 204 VARIETY. No. 23. 
 
 " have now lived together only feven years j. 
 " and in that fhort time 1 find myfelf in- 
 " volved in difficulties which I cannot com- 
 " prehend. I am in adtual want of ready 
 " money : you know my own eftate is en- 
 " tailed on my hopeful nephew j but what 
 " furprifes rne r is this : 1 have an income 
 " now of a THOUSAND pounds per <innnm\, 
 *' my appearance is the fame as when 1 fpent 
 *' five hundred only. 1 live in the fame 
 *< houfe, keep the fame fervants (except a few 
 " occafional helpers); have the- fame number 
 " of horfes (except my wife's gray mare) and 
 *' yet I am always poor. They tell me I am. 
 " cheated by my fervants, and my tradefmen j, 
 *' but that can never make the difference. 
 " What fignifies a few (hillings in a bill, or 
 * c a farthing in a pound weight * for fuch. 
 " trifles I can never fubmit to the tedious 
 " talk of cafting their accounts, or cheapen- 
 41 ing their articles ;. yet what arn I to do ? 
 " I cannot live upon my prefent income,, 
 " and it is impoflible to retrench or fave a. 
 <( hundred pounds. Come quickly to my 
 * 4 afiiftance, and advife me. Meanwhile.> 
 45 believe, 
 
 Your's, &c. 
 
 CHARLES CARELESS.'* 
 NUMB.
 
 No. 24. VARIETY. 205 
 
 NUMBER XXIV, 
 
 Dear Sir r 
 
 SINCE you are 'obliged to me for the 
 publication of your papers, I think I 
 have a claim on you to hear my complaints 
 with patience, though you may not be abler 
 to redrefs my grievances. I ?.m one of the 
 feven children of the week, by our old Father 
 TIME ; but being the youngeft, have infen- 
 fibly become the worft u fed in the family; 
 and this cruel treatment is the kfs tolerable 
 to me y from the "remembrance of better 
 ** days," and the confcioufnefs of imdeferved 1 
 Hegle& ; for till within about feventeen or 
 eighteen centuries, I was exalted above all 
 Bvy other fitters, 'Twas- then th-at 1 enjoyed 
 
 * thofe
 
 2o6 VARIETY. No. 24, 
 
 thofe honours which are now beftowed on 
 another ; 'twas then, mankind looked up to 
 me with that veneration and refpect which 
 they have now transferred entirely to my el- 
 deft fifter; my hours like her's, were dedi- 
 cated to reft, and ferious meditation j but 
 now I'm treated as the drudge, and out-caft 
 of my family, as one condemned to finifh all 
 the tafks of labour in which the other 
 daughters of the week have been employed. 
 But let me give a brief defcription how I am 
 received, and treated by the feveral ranks of 
 people in this kingdom. 
 
 THE Manufacturers or daily Labourers em- 
 ploy my mornings with double induftry, 
 that they may compleat the work begun, and 
 receive the reward of their fix days labour, 
 which is oftener paid them in my prefence 
 than in that of any of my fitters ; and which 
 they are very apt to laviih in idlenefs, and 
 drunken folace, with our eldeft fifter, of 
 whofe ufurpation I complain : with thefe 
 people I am generally fo dirty and neglected, 
 that I am often loathfome to myfelf and 
 others, fince no mechanic ever deigns to 
 treat me with clean linnen, and fome not 
 even with clean face or hands : while all 
 their finery as well as neatnefs is referved to 
 
 welcome
 
 No. 24. VARIETY. 207 
 
 welcome my fifter, whofe vifits conftantly 
 fucceed at my departure. Yet it is not by 
 drefs alone that {he is complimented at my 
 expence, but {he is always better entertain- 
 ed ; fhe is regaled with meat, and ale for 
 dinner, while I am hardly allowed mere bread 
 and cheefe. Nay, even in very reputable 
 families, I am obliged to fubmit to cold meat, 
 or difhes hafhed and warmed again ; becaufe, 
 forfooth ! they muft make ends meet when- 
 ever I look in upon them. This leads me to 
 relate my treatment in the clafs next above 
 the mere mechanic ; the petty Jhopkleper is 
 oftentimes obliged to me, for more bufinefs 
 than to all my other money-getting fitters 
 put together ; for as to fifter SUNDAY (as I be- 
 fore obferved) fhe is above attending to any 
 means of getting money, unlefs upon a vifit 
 to the very rich and fafhionable, where fhe 
 condefcends to play a game at cards, to the 
 great fcandal of the inferior neighbours. The 
 petty fhopkeeper, notwithftanding all his ob- 
 ligation, longs for my departure, yet often 
 dedicates an hour or two extraordinary to me 
 by candle-light, that he may be better able 
 to enjoy my fifter's company, by the profits 
 of my protracted occupation; and while I 
 am doomed to cheat and buftle in the city, 
 
 he
 
 so8 VARIETY. No. 24. 
 
 lie waftes the produce of my thrift in indo- 
 lence and quiet with my filter in the country. 
 
 FROM the mere drudges of a retail trade, 
 let us go one ftep higher, to thofe who have 
 been long enough in bufinefs, to leave it 
 fometimes to a trufty fervant j it is here I am 
 made the harbinger of pleafures for my fifter. 
 For this pyrpofe I am often hurried from a 
 fhabby dinner, and wedged into a one-horfe 
 chaife with the trader's greafy wife, and as 
 many dirty brats as the chaife will hold, or 
 crammed into the filthy corner of a ftage, and 
 whirled into the country, that the family 
 may be enabled to give a hearty welcome to 
 my fifter, but while they drefs themfelves in 
 their beft apparel to appear with her, they 
 fay, " that any thing is good enough for 
 " me." 
 
 THE rich and great, are thofe that ufe me 
 beft, for they make no diftin&ion betwixt 
 me and any of my fitters ; and though they 
 do not fhew me any marks of attention or 
 refpecly yet they never fhock my feelings 
 by diftinguifhed partialities to my fifter SUN- 
 PAY ' y fo far from it, that her vifits often ap- 
 pear dull, and the falhionable world look or* 
 her as a fit companion only to the lower or- 
 ders of mankind ; for what advantage can- 
 
 thofe
 
 No. 24. VARIETY 209 
 
 thofe who never labour, derive from her, 
 whofe only virtue is to beftow reft from labour? 
 Indeed, with thefe exalted members of fo- 
 ciety, it often happens, that all the SEVEN 
 DAUGHTERS of the WEEK have pa fled in turns 
 before them, without the fmallcft notice by 
 which they could diftinguifh one of us from 
 an other ; and while the induftrious world, 
 receives the call of each of us by fun-rife, the 
 Rich and Great, deny us all admittance till 
 'tis almoft noon. 
 
 THERE is one feel of men who ftill retain 
 for me that veneration which all Europe have 
 agreed to {hew my fifter ; but their filthy fi- 
 nery, and taudry naftinefs, difguft me fo 
 much, that I feel little honoured by the no- 
 .tice of this cheating, circumcifed people. 
 
 To Schoolboys 1 am always welcome ; for 
 I generally bring them half a holiday : but 
 ftill 1 muft complain of dirty ufage; for the 
 little urchins claim a priviledge of being ne- 
 ver clean at my arrival j becaufe they know 
 before I leave them, they muft undergo a 
 thorough cleaning to receive my fifter. 
 
 CONSIDER, Sir, how mortifying to me 
 muft be this confideration ; yet I have fome 
 {lender hope, that things raay come about 
 again j for my fifter is of late become fo fanc- 
 
 tified
 
 210 VARIETY. NO. 2 j; 
 
 lifted and methodiftical, and fome pious and" 
 reforming Jufiices have taken her fo cordially 
 under their fanatical protection, that {he is 
 become abominably ftupid to the induftrious 
 multitude who make our fifters work; and" 
 for this reafon it is not unufual for me to be- 
 come partaker of thofe joys which were in- 
 tended for my eldeft fifter ; and I am called 
 forth to witnefe games of (kittles, cricket,, 
 bowls, and trap-ball, which my fifter is not 
 allowed to fee. Yet thefe amufements give' 
 me pain, fince I am aware that five days la- 
 bour can but ill fupply the neceflary wants 
 f Saturday and Sunday, and as the latter can 
 never now be brought to work like one of us,, 
 the families of thofe who wifh to fport with- 
 me, becaufe my lifter's fullen temper forbids 
 the like with her, muft foon be ruined. 
 
 I KNOW not what I ought to afk or wifh- 
 cf you, but fince you have {hewn fome 
 partiality to me, I hope you will confider 
 my complaint, and not fuffer me to become 
 the filthieft, and moft contemptible amongffc 
 my family. Though I can never hope to be 
 exalted to thofe honours which my eldeft 
 fifter has fo long ufurped, I- truft you will 
 recommend an univerfal cleanlinefs ; and tell 
 the world that they ought never to retire to-
 
 No. 24. V A* R 1 I 1 1TT V. 
 
 2ii 
 
 reft, when I have vifited them, without ablution 
 from the dirt of the week ; requeft of thofe 
 with whom I pafs my day in drudgery and filth, 
 that they would make me comfortable before 
 we part; and charge them never to defer this 
 weekly tafk, till it be too late to celebrate with- 
 in y fifter, the public a&s of gratitude and 
 praife, to which it is her duty to excite man- 
 kind. And fo, my deareft Sir, till we meet 
 again, believe me 
 
 Yours, 
 
 For as long as you pleafe, 
 SATURDAY, 
 
 S I R, 
 
 WE the Underwritten, having by acci- 
 dent feen our Sifter's letter, defire, that 
 (mould you think proper to publifh her com- 
 plaints) you will alfo infert our opinion of 
 her. She is an idle dirty hufley ; and though 
 fhe is occafionally employed to finifli the work 
 which fome of us begin, fhe is hardly ever 
 
 known
 
 212 
 
 VARIETY. No. 24. 
 
 known to fet about a ferious job herfelf but 
 always makes excufe, by faying, that it is 
 '* too late to make a bad week's work a good 
 " one." For this reafon, and being the 
 youngeft daughter, fhe is generally made to 
 do ihe work of the family, and is very 
 properly employed to get the houfe in order, 
 to receive our eldeft fitter, who ought never 
 to appear like one of us. As to her complaint 
 of this fitter's ufurpation, we confefs that the 
 youngeft once enjoyed the honours, now be- 
 ftowed by Chriftians, on the eldeft j but with 
 this fhe ought to acquiefce, and not affociate 
 with this ftubborn race, who refufed to credit 
 the authority which declared, that the firft 
 be laft, and the laft firtt. We remairv 
 
 Yours, 
 
 As you ufe us* 
 
 MONDAY, 
 TUESDAY, 
 WEDNESDAY, 
 THURSDAY, and 
 FRIDAY. 
 
 N U M- 

 
 No. 25. VARIETY. 213 
 
 NUMBER XXV. 
 
 *' Tis hard to fay if greater want of fkill 
 " Appears in writing, or \njudging ill; 
 " But, of the two, leaft dangerous is th* offence 
 " To tire our patience, than miilead our fenfe. 
 
 POPE. 
 
 IT cannot be doubted that the underftand- 
 ing, and virtue, the fafety, and happinefs, 
 of thofe branches of Society which are raifed 
 above the neceffity of mechanic toil, depend 
 much upon the eajly impreflions they receive 
 from books which captivate the imagination, 
 and intereft the heart. Confequently a writer 
 is much their foe, who feeks to throw con- 
 tempt upon any work which is eminently cal- 
 culated to infpire delicacy, and difcretion of 
 conduft, purity of morals, tendernefs, gene- 
 
 rofity,
 
 214 V, -A, R; Ij E. T Y. No. 25, 
 
 rofity, and piety of heart, while he recom- 
 mends another competition, pofle fling allure- 
 ment, too well calculated to make it recom- 
 mend rtfelf-y but which has a demonftrable 
 tendency to encourage libertinism in- our 
 young men ; and, in our young women, aa 
 infatuated propenfity to beftow their affec- 
 tions, and even esteem upon men of profligate 
 habits. 
 
 THAT an author capable of writing agree- 
 ably upon many fubjects, who muft have ob- 
 ferved with what difficulty vicious habits, 
 contracted in early life, are laid afide as it ad- 
 vances ; and that continued? how fatal they 
 prove to domeftic comfort, that a man who is 
 himfelf a father, (hould avow fuch a prefer- 
 ence, and employ his oratory, and aim at 
 wit in its defence, may well awaken the 
 V/onder and difdain of thinking minds. 
 
 A PAPER in Mr. Cumberland's Obferver, 
 on the fubjecl: of Novels, fuggcftcd thcfe re- 
 flections. It points out, in- that large range 
 of fafhionable reading, which are the paths 
 to be tntcrdifted, and which chofen for young 
 people by their Parents, and Guardians. From 
 the praife which its author lavishes upon 
 Fieldings Tom Jones^ and from his affected 
 contempt of the Clarifla of Ricbardfon, he 
 
 feems
 
 "No. 25. V A R I E T- Y. 215 
 
 ferms to recommend the former to our youth 
 as forcibly, by implication, as he reprobates 
 the latter, in direct and po/itive terms. Men 
 eminent for piety, wifdom, and virtue, have- 
 recommended Richard fon's ClariiTa from the 
 pulpit j a work which Dr. Johnfon, (fo ge- 
 nerally unwilling to praife) has been often 
 heard to pronounce, * 4 not only the firfl riwd r 
 ** but perhaps the rlrft u'srk in our language, 
 " fplendid in point of genius, and calculated 
 '* to promote the dearell interefts of religion 
 * l and virtue." 
 
 THOSE who have ability to perceive the 
 *|ches of that work in every varied excellence 
 -of beautiful compofition, will not be infenfi- 
 -ble to the merit of the Tom Jones, as a fafci- 
 eating performance, whofe fituations are in- 
 tereliing, whofe characters difplay the hand 
 r-'Of a mailer, whole humour is pointed and na- 
 ^*ural, whofe ftyle is eafy, and to whofe 
 powers of engaging, the pathetic graces Jiave 
 not been wanting. 
 
 BUT while they acknowledge all thefe 
 agreeable properties, they will feel it amongft 
 the mod ftriking inftarvoes of human abfurdi- 
 *y,-that a ferious writer (hould recommend it 
 to the libraries of the rifing generation by 
 unqualified ,praife, while he condemns the 
 
 Clariila
 
 Ai6 VARIETY. No. 25. 
 
 ClarifTa as a ridiculous romance, inimical to 
 good fenfe, difcretion, and morality. 
 
 A LADY of wit and fpirit has been heard 
 to declare, that (he was once compleatly 
 filenced by a very ftupid perfonage, in the 
 rhidft of a declamation, and encircled by a 
 large party of ladies and gentlemen. She 
 was haranguing upon the preference fhe 
 fhould feel of Tom Jones, to Sir Charles 
 Grandifon, as a brother, a friend, a lover, or 
 an hufband. The filly gentlewoman, in the 
 meer defire of prating, and perfectly uncon- 
 fcious of the power of what fhe was going to 
 utter, interrupted the Lady Orator with, 
 " Ladies and gentlemen, / am reading Tom 
 " Jones, but I have not finifhed it. I have 
 '* juft left him in bed with another man's 
 wife." 
 
 PERHAPS it is not impoffible, though very 
 uncommon, that bravery, ingenuoufnefs, 
 compaffion, and generofity, fhould exift in 
 the mind of a young man, who is indifcrimi- 
 nately licentious refpe&ing women ; but it is 
 ill for morals when fuch a character is thus 
 indirectly held up to imitation by an author 
 profeffing morality. 
 
 BENEATH this fplendid veil of engaging 
 qualities, a vicious character lofes all its de- 
 formity
 
 No. as- VARIETY. 
 
 formity in theeafily dazrled eyes of youth. In 
 Sophia's charad-er, her fex find their fan&ion 
 for attaching themfrlves to a libertine; that 
 rock, on which female happinefs is fo often 
 wrecked. 
 
 HAVING thus enforced the obvious 'bad 
 tendency of the work > over which Mr/Cum- 
 berland pours fo much applaufe, let us turn 
 to the volumes he interdiffi, to the Clariffa of 
 Richard fon. It is no where that Morality is 
 more powerfully enforced; "it is no where 
 that Prety is more exquifitely lovely. Every 
 individual in that large Dramatis Perfonae, is 
 I drawn with fuch diftinftnefs, fuch chara&er- 
 : ( iftic ftrength, that not a letter, a fingle fpeech 
 I in the whole work,butfo peculiarly belongs to 
 I the nature of that fpirit, which is fuppofed to 
 \ have didtated it ; that it is needlefs to caft the 
 eye back to the name of the fpeaker, or to 
 look at the fignature. 
 
 AMONGST the ftately family at Harlow- 
 Place, we- do indeed perceive more precife, 
 and folemn ceremony than we find in the 
 houfes of country gentlemen at this period, 
 When Gallic eafe has ftolen upon the felf-im- 
 portance of the Britifti 'Squirality, but every 
 body knows that fuch were the manners of 
 opulent country families, fome forty years 
 L back,
 
 ai8 VARIETY. No. 2 j. 
 
 back, where the matter chofe to be the gentle- 
 man, rather than the toping and riotous 
 Foxhunter. Let it alfo be remembered, that 
 ihe Harlowes were a new-raifed family, that 
 wanted to eftablifh. their queftionably dignity. 
 
 As to the perfifting authority, unjuftly 
 exercifed upon young women in the article of 
 marriage, that feature of probability in this 
 charming work, is ftill afcertained by a va- 
 riety of examples every year, at lealr, in 
 wealthy^ and ftill oftener in high life j though, 
 becaufe ceremony is not the fajhlon^ there 
 may be lefs parade in the manner of enforcing 
 it- 
 
 ' For rich-ones, with unfather'd eyes, 
 ( As Pride, or thirft of gold aflail, 
 , ' Attend their human Sacrifice, 
 
 ' Without the Grecian Painter's veil. 
 
 The author meant to hold up the portraits 
 of ClariiTa, and Grandifon, to each fex, as 
 models of male, and female virtue. It has 
 been truly faid, that whatever be our aim, 
 whether the attainment of an art, of fcience, 
 pr of virtue, the model, from which we copy, 
 cannot be too perfeft. We might as well 
 blame the tranfcendant fculptor, as themora- 
 lift ; as rationally prefer lefs exquifite, lefs 
 *' " beautiful
 
 No. 25. V A R I E T Y. ii 
 
 beautiful ftatues, to the Venus de Medicis, 
 and the Apollo Belvidere, becaufe they may 
 be nearer refemblances of the human form ; as 
 chufe to contemplate a Jones, and a Sophia, 
 rather than a Grandifon, and a Clarifla. 
 . IF worn and hacknied in the tainted mazes 
 of Society, our ardor for Virtue is grown 
 palled, and fick, fo that we behold reprefen- 
 tations of confummate excellence without 
 delight, let us not feek to deprive the gene- 
 rous credulity, and hoping fenfibility of 
 youth, of the nobleft patterns our language 
 affords (without the fcriptural pale) of moral 
 virtue, and piety ; adorned and graceful in 
 the charms of youth and beauty ; in the 
 fplendor of elevated intellect; in the utmoft 
 elegance of ftyle, and in all the intereft of 
 trying fituations. 
 
 AN accurate obferver of life and manner^, 
 muft have many times beheld very exact re- 
 femblances of every character in ClariiTa ; 
 the glorious maid, and her profligate ravifher 
 alone excepted. 
 
 To form a bright example of female vir- 
 tue, fuperior to temptation in the great efien- 
 tial chajiity, and in whom every lefler confi- 
 deration of worldly fame and profperity 
 fhould be fubordinate to the delicacy of ex - 
 L a alte<
 
 120 VARIETY. No. 25. 
 
 silted 'principle ; it was neceffary to draw the 
 character of Lovelace, exactly as he is drawn. 
 Lefs accorhplilhed, lefs brave, lefs bountiful, 
 lefs eftimable in all refpefts, (where his dar- 
 ling vice did not interfere) he could not have 
 obtained the degree of intereft he poflefied in 
 the heart of a ClarifTa ; and without which, 
 her refiftance had loft all its merit. Lefs 
 hardened by the power of this abforbing vice, 
 lefs determined, lefs cruelly pcrfifting, fhe 
 could not have fuftained from him thofe 
 wrongs from which flie rifes fo far above the 
 Lucretian-chaftity ; evincing by her con- 
 duct the fuperior excellence of the Chriflian 
 principles to thofe which hurried into fuicide 
 the injured Roman matron. 
 
 As the worjt poflible moral refults from the 
 character of Tom Jones, fo does the bejl re- 
 fult from that of Lovelace. By the former, 
 our youth are taught to believe that they may 
 be very noble fellows, whom every body will 
 love, and yet indulge their criminal appe- 
 tites in the feduUon of what they believe to 
 be ruftic innocence, as in Jones's amour with 
 Molly Scagrim ; and plunge into known 
 adultery, as in his connexion with Mrs. 
 Waters ; and this, even though they are in 
 love with an amiable woman, as Jones with 
 
 Sophia.
 
 tfo. 25. VARIETY. zw 
 
 Sophia. A fituation, which infinitely en- 
 hances, and indeed renders wholly unpardon- 
 able the grofs, and brutal guilt of profligacy. 
 While by the character of Lovelace, as by 
 that of Macbeth, we -are taught, that gallant 
 courage, and brilliant talents, form no fecu- 
 rity againft a man's becoming^ darkly villain- 
 ous, if he deliver himfelf up, without, re- 
 flraint, to the influence of his conftitutional 
 vice. 
 
 WHILE the eye of fenfibility ftreams over 
 the fuffering, and over the dying Clarifla, 
 there is a " fecret, ftern, vindictive, yet not 
 ** unjuft. ple.aXor^ that brightens thpfc 
 44 tears,'* and which always arifes ia the. ger 
 fierous bofom. apojx the,puniib,m.ent of trea T 
 chery, lil^e thai of Lovelace, and of inflex,i- 
 bfility like that of the HaxJow,- family. 
 
 COLD to the. fenfc of devotion, dead to thf 
 hope, and truft of a.bkfled inimortality, muf 
 be that heart, ^ which does not trjurnph, and.det 
 light (however, the eyes, may aver flow) in th^ 
 death of Clarifla, in the everl aft ing, reft of a 
 broken heart, in t.he emancipation, of, an op- 
 preficd, an inj.urqd, and ajigelic fpirit, foajtr 
 ing above all its cruel persecutors, to unfajd j - 
 ikS^ light, and ever-duriug. felicity. 
 
 I, 7 N U M-
 
 VARIETY. No, 26. 
 
 NUMBER XXVI. 
 Tn Continuation. 
 
 MR. CUMBERLAND accufes this work of 
 tedious prolixity, and the accufarion 
 is pretty general. It cannot be denied that 
 even ingenious minds capable of perceiving 
 its various excellencies, the graces of its elo- 
 quence, the powers of its pathos, and the 
 brilliance of its wit, may, on afr/t perufal, 
 find themfelves fo anxioufly interefted in the 
 events, as to become impatient of any paufe 
 in the ftory. 
 
 BUT recurring to thefe volumes, (to which 
 the fenfible reader will recur as to Shake- 
 fpear, to Milton, or the Rambler) when fa- 
 tisfied curiofity leaves the mind calm enough 
 to remark, and enjoy at leifure their innume- 
 rable
 
 No. 26. V A R I E T Y.' 
 
 rable beauties; fomething will be found in 1 
 every letter, which is highly curious and en-' 
 tertaining. In the mafter-ftrokes of truth,' 
 and nature, do they delineate the mind, and' 
 the manners of the fuppofed writer ; befides- 
 throwing ftrong collateral light, and colour-' 
 ing, upon other characters in the work. This- 
 excellence of appropriation pervades all (he' 
 epiftles, even thofe, in which "elegance oft 
 ftyle is judiciou/ly abated, as in the letters of 
 the proud, unyielding Harlowes > "or wholly > 
 thrown afide, as in thofe of the proverbial 
 Lord M , the pedant Brand, and the me- 
 nial perfonages j while, on this recurrent 
 perufal, the chara&eriftic graces of the more 
 eloquent epiftles fhine out, in Variety in- 
 exhauftible. 
 
 THE letters of Lovelace exhibit every gay 
 attraction of peerlefs wit, piclurefquedefcrip- 
 tion, claffic allufion, and univerfal know- 
 ledge, without any affe&ation in its difplay; 
 a ftyle unrivalled in its eafy flow, and fafci- 
 nating harmony ; and, what ftrikingly evin- 
 ces the addrefs, and virtuous defign of the 
 author, the epiftles of this feducing libertine, 
 even more forcibly than any of the others, 
 warn the youthful female againft the defigns 
 of the oppofite Sex, by the ftartling axioms 
 L 4 they
 
 32* V' A R I E : T Y. No. 26. 
 
 they contain, refpeflirvg the comiucl: of wo. 
 roei>. It is from the letters of Lovelace^ that 
 they learn how. inevitably defpicable they be- 
 come in the eyes of thofe very men, to whofi; 
 felicitations they are beginning to make fa- 
 crifices, (apparently trivial) of that delicacy-, 
 and purity fo lovely in the fex ; facrifice* 
 that generally-end in the utter lofs of honour 
 from libertine encroachment. 
 
 IN Colonel Mordent letters, a-nd in thofe< 
 of Lovelace, and Belford, which defcribe tha. 
 colonel's perfon, his air, his manners, and his. 
 conduct, we fee a perfect: fine gentleman, in- 
 trepid and accomplifhed as the former, bene- 
 volent as the latter, and more virtuous ; 
 while beneath the dignity which thaf virtus 
 confers, the dazzling Lovelace finks into vjfi- 
 bl^and confcious inferiority. 
 
 WE find, in the touching epiftles of the. 
 matchlefs Heroine of this work, the moft 
 complete powers of imagery and dcfcription, 
 (haded over by that foft veil of diflrefs, thro* 
 which they appear with heightened grace, 
 and; dearer intereftj the importance of every 
 duty that blefies fociety.j. the danger and 
 mifery of every deviation from the path of 
 relitudq, enforced with the eloquence of an.- , 
 gels, her character rifing amidit her feverq 
 
 trials,
 
 V<To. 25. VARIETY; 225, 
 
 trials, her deep diftreffes, and remorfelefs in- 
 juries, into unrivalled rriagnanimity; while- 
 in its nobleft elevation, the charm of female: 
 foftnefs is never for a fingle moment loft. 
 
 MR. JEPHSON (perhaps our beft Tragedy- 
 writer fmce Srrakefpear) has availed himfelf, 
 in his poetic and fpirited tragedy Julia, of 
 the penknife-fcene in ClarifTa. Deprived of 
 the preparatory circumfta-nces that conftitute 
 a large part of- its tranfcendant fublimity irv 
 the original fituation, it could not but lofe ex- 
 tremely by the transposition j but to thqfe 
 who do not perfectly recollect the pages frorrr 
 whence it is taken, the efTe<5t in the 
 is very fine. 
 
 MR. CUMBERLAND tells the public,, 
 ht knew a young female, whofe head was 
 turned by reading Clarifd j and who, in the 
 rage of imitation, infilled upon having her 
 coffin in her bed-chamber ! 
 | JNSANE people have always (bme reigning" 
 idea. That the coifin of Clarifla fbould atue*. 
 have proved that reigning idea,, is furejy a*. 
 very contemptible reafon for interdicting this- 
 noble compofition, as inimical to the morals,, 
 and difcretion of youth. 
 
 MANY religious enthufiafts have fancied 
 they had prophetic and" apofto'lic in/piration. 
 i At the Cathedral of one of OUF celebrated: 
 provincial towns, forae iweirty yeai ago, t
 
 A2& VARIETY. No. 26. 
 
 often ufed to fee a man, whom many of the 
 prefent inhabitants remember. It was his 
 cuftorn to Hand, during fervice, before the 
 rails of the altar. He had read about our 
 Saviour, till he fancied himfelf that facred 
 character, and a native refemblance of face, 
 and figure to the prints of Jefus, aided the 
 phrenzy. He had trained the growth of his 
 dark beard in the Jewifh fafhion, and his 
 hair, parted upon his forehead, hung in equal 
 ringlets down each fide the front part of his 
 neck. He was thin, and pale, with a remark- 
 able air of placid dignity. The mildnefs 
 this maniac conftantly preferved, rendered 
 him inoffenfive. 
 
 WITH the fame reafon might the SCRIP- 
 TURES be cenfured as a dangerous ftudy upon 
 that inftance, as this admirable work, becaufe 
 one romantic delrVious fool befpoke her coffin, 
 without the reafons which 'impelled Clarifia 
 to take that fingular ftep. 
 
 IT is curious to hear the author of GUI 
 moft fentimental comedies, fpeak with con- 
 tempt over the unerring fentiments which en- 
 rich thefe volumes. It would be happy for 
 the rifmg, and for the future generation, if 
 our young women would imitate the prin- 
 ciples, and the conduit of Clarifia, though 
 
 not
 
 No. 26. V A R I E T Y. 227 
 
 not perhaps in befpcaking their coffin : a cir- 
 cumftance for which fhe apologifes, con- 
 f effing it a fally of mournful enthufiafm, 
 and too fcrupulous delicacy ; excufable only 
 from the peculiarity of her fituation, and 
 from being obliged tochufe a male executor. 
 Recommending Clariffa's conduct as an ex- 
 ample, I defire it may be remembered that 
 her flight with Lovelace was involuntary, 
 and that her meeting and correfpondrng with 
 him, was merely from the perfecutions (he 
 endured, anti in the hope of preventing the 
 moft fatal mifchiefs between him and her bro- 
 ther. She, however, repents of the two 1 aft 
 circumftances, as forming a deep error, im- 
 ploring Heaven that its confequences may 
 tuarn her fex againft being rafh enough to 
 repofe the fmalleft degree of confidence in a 
 libertine; who, as (he fays, to be a libertine 
 muft have got over and defied all moral, 
 reftraints. 
 
 Is it from the pen of a father that we fee 
 the unfeeling, the pointlefs fneer upon the ex- 
 emplary duty, the contrite affection of a dy- 
 ing daughter^ becaufe fhe writes on tier knfts 
 to fupplicate pardon for what fhe coriflders 
 great fau!t, that prohibited correfpondence 
 (though fhe had been impelled into the com- 
 L 6 miiliot*
 
 V A R I E T Y. No. 26. 
 
 miflion of it by the cruelty of her. family) and 
 to invoke ble/Hngs upon them, w,ho had fhewn 
 no mercy to her !. 
 
 IN contradiction to experience, and with 
 great illiberality, Mr. CUMBERLAND aiierts, 
 that encouraging young women to eonefpond 
 with each oilier, tends to no good poiot of 
 education. Every good habit is capable of 
 being perverted to bad ufes. Becaufe numer- 
 ous books of evil tendency are extant, we. 
 might as wifely refolve that out: daughters, 
 fhould not learn to read, as that, becaufe. 
 they may write frivolous, and improper let- 
 ters, they fnould be precluded from the cer- 
 tain advantages of a well-ieg.olated epiflolary 
 intercourfe with their young friends. Dif- 
 creet parents will, in a great degree, fugged. 
 the fubje&s of thefe. letters, and invite from 
 tjme to time, a communication of their con- 
 tents, by expreflwig plcafure in their perufal.. 
 Such an intercourfe forms the ftyle of young 
 people, gives them habits of reflection, 
 awakens intellectual emulation, and fupplies 
 them with refources, which have an inevit- 
 able tendency to abate the defire of diflipation, 
 enables them to be rational and pleafmg com- 
 panions to men of fenfe when they marry, 
 to fill the parental and monitory duties with- 
 
 dignity
 
 No. 26, VARIETY. 
 
 dignity and delight,, to this certain improve- 
 ment of die fuju/e generation. 
 
 IF women intrigue mpre in France than i*^ 
 England, though the,ir underftandings are 
 generally bettta" Cultivated, it is,becaufe theic. 
 inclinations are never confuted-.. in their mar- 
 riage engagements : and becaxfe infamy is 
 leijs. confequent than it is, fyre, uppn. a. viola- 
 tiou Qt thafe engagements. ljut tlie French 
 women aj^Lu<cretiascompar.ejd tQ.th^Italia.ns.i. 
 a fuperiprity which ariies from the carapan- 
 ionyble q.u^lkies of the fotmer, and- the un- 
 lettered ignorance of the latter, that ddivers 
 up aJl the ppv/frs of thek iinagin^ti.on to the, 
 inuence of one reigning idea^ Whoever. 
 lja$ lyccelsfully ftudied the nature of the. 
 human mind, knows, that to ftpre it with 
 a variety of ideas, to render it capable of per- 
 ceiving the value of knowledge, and the - 
 charms of genius, is to tender it lefs fubfcr- 
 vient to the influence.of the feafes. 
 
 AFTER Mr. CUMBERLAND has exprefled. 
 his defire of banifliing the fvneft moral work 
 of this age, from the libraries of our youth, 
 and the pen from the fingers of our women ; 
 he proceeds to inveigh more j.uftly againft 
 thai mode of education, too prevailing within 
 thefe laft twenty years, which. ca/i never en- 
 * . ; large
 
 a 3 o VARIETY. No. 26. 
 
 large the flock of ideas, or infpire any tafte 
 for intellectual pleafures. Upon this plan, 
 a girl's time, in that important period, which 
 divides infancy from womanhood, is every 
 hour of it engrofled by the French gram- 
 mar, the harpfichord, the dancing, and the 
 drawing-mafter. 
 
 WHEN young ladies thus, and only thus 
 accomplifhed, become miftrefles, in any de- 
 gree of their own time, whether fingle, or 
 mairied, there is no probability, alas! that 
 they will devote it to the voluminous pages 
 of the moral, the pious RICHARDSON. They 
 have no imaginations that can awaken to a 
 perception of his genius no hearts that can 
 fbften at his pathos no underftanding to 
 perceive the undeviating truth, and good 
 fenfe of his obfervations. 
 
 The Female Quixotte is an admirable 
 fatire upon the now totally exploded ftudy of 
 the old romances, and gave the death's wound 
 to that declining tafte. But tofatirize, with 
 any probability of good effect, the CLARISSA, 
 or the GRANDISON, is impoffible. People 
 of judgment will not attempt it, and injudi- 
 cious people will attempt it in vain. 
 
 To read novels frequently, and indifcrim- 
 inatety, is a moft pernicious habit. There 
 
 are
 
 NO. 26. VARIETY. 
 
 231 
 
 ire no means fo effe&ual of rendering them 
 diftafteful as an early familiarity with the 
 etfufions of RICHARDSON'S genius. They 
 will exalt the underftanding above endurance 
 of the trafh, daily pouring out from the circu- 
 lating libraries. Who that has read MILTON 
 waftes'the midnight taper over *$*f-* t : ~"r'cv 
 S*-r -Sir RICHARD BLACKMORE ? 
 
 MR. CUMBERLAND does not want genius, 
 though he will permit nobody to be fenti- 
 mental but himfelf. His very fentimental 
 comedies have confiderable merit, and though 
 too little humorous for the comic line of 
 writing, they are pathetic and agreeable. 
 Morals are more likely to fuffer from our 
 defpifing, than from our admiring them. 
 
 His tragedies have incurred more contempt 
 than they deferve. Amidft frequent plagi- 
 arifms, and much turgid writing, there 
 are fpeechesof unborrowed beauty, and fink- 
 ing imagery, both in the Battle of Haft- 
 ings and in the Carmelite. Whole fcenes 
 in the latter have the true dramatic fpirit. 
 
 JUDGMENT is this author's great defider- 
 atum. We perceive the want of that power 
 in his own writings, and therefore need not 
 wonder at its abfence, when he decides upon 
 the writings of others. 
 
 UNDER
 
 5> 3 2. VARIETY. No. 2 6> 
 
 UNDER the influence of perpetually recurr 
 ring infanity, the heroine of his Carmelite- 
 preferves an important fecret through twenty 
 years, adheres to a regular plan of future en- 
 terprize, which is never interrupted by this rn- 
 trrmitting madnefs, nor in the leaft'< degree 
 partakes of its influence. The author, who 
 could draw a character fo utterly out of na- 
 ture, and probability, is likely enough to 
 fancy that RICHARDSON'S works may be inju- 
 rious to the good fenfe, the manners, and the- 
 morals of our youth* 
 
 NUM-
 
 No 27. VARIETY." 233: 
 
 NUMBER xxyn,. 
 
 WE. cat>mrf mention- perhaps. two motive* 
 of .man's, action, which, on a frr{b 
 view of them,. appear fo- incompatible with 
 each oiher, as thofe of bufinefs.and pleasure : 
 yet, where they, are found uniting in the fame, 
 rpind', their energies obtain one, end. From 
 fch an union (in the proportion that it is lefs 
 expedled): vybo is there that does: not look the 
 more for ftsadineft in the purf.uit, a/jd fupe-- 
 rkxr merit in the execution. As WALTER 
 WEATHER-COCK-, f feel all the fpirit and 
 rafoning of the fentence apply ; I am fcn- 
 ftble, that, after having- undertaloen- to 
 offer 'Pa-piety to the- public, the. doing it puno-: 
 tually, and in the ableft manner, is not,m!orei: 
 appoint of pleasure, thaa it ftiould. be of. bu- 
 fmefp. Ifn facti, both motives fatten: an equal 
 on m.j and, like- Cato, who aJ-- 
 ways
 
 434 VARIETY. No. 27. 
 
 ways concluded his old Punic ballad with the 
 " delenda eft Carthago," the great burthe/i 
 to which my thoughts at Jail return is, 
 " Variety mnji be furnifoed." 
 
 FULL of myfelf, and wrapt in the flatter- 
 ing conceit, that Variety had now more than 
 ever become ncceflary to the town, I was fit- 
 ting a few evenings ago, totus in illis t in 
 full debate, on what fliould be the fubject of 
 this our next EfTay. I was yet unrefolvcd. 
 The entrance of a fervant broke in upon my 
 doubts, and indeed, in the end, relieved 
 them. He delivered to me the feveral favours 
 of my correfpondents ; I opened them as they 
 prefented themfe'.ves, but when I took up 
 the packet which is the fubject of this paper, 
 I was a little daggered on obferving the im- 
 preffion of the feal j a boar's head, in a field 
 verd t with the feet of a web-footed animal as 
 fupporters, and the motto nil mortalibut ar- 
 duum eft. My knowledge in heraldry did not 
 carry me fo far, as to guefs at the perfons of 
 my correfpondents ; I therefore broke the 
 feal with (ome degree of cm iofity ; whether 
 my expectations were difappointed or not, my 
 readers will determine, and as I had not 
 refolved on my fubjedt, the following appli- 
 cation was fo novel a one, that I determined 
 
 to
 
 No. 27. VARIETY. 235 
 
 to take the opinion of the world upon it, be- 
 fore I delivered my own in anfwer : 
 
 AND 1 fhall only requeft from my corref- 
 pondents, that the anfwer of the public be 
 mine, in the multitude of counsellors there 
 muft be wifdom, there muft be fafety ; and 
 MefTrs. the Petitioners are characters of too 
 liberal a way of thinking, not to approve the 
 trial by jury ; and in this confidence, we thus 
 together put ourfelves upon the country. 
 
 THE HUMBLE PETITION of PE- 
 REGRINE SWINGTAIL and GREGORY 
 WALKSTRAIT, more commonly called 
 or known by the names of the Learned 
 Pig, and the Learned Goofe j 
 
 SHEWETH, - 
 
 THAT encouraged by that liberal and 
 amiable * fentiment, by which your firft 
 EiTay is diftinguifhed, your Petitioners have 
 ventured to make their complaints and fears 
 known, in the certainty that you will admin* 
 ifter all the protection and comfort you can. 
 
 * The only difference between man and brutes, con- 
 lifts in the folicitous demand for Variety. 
 
 THAT,
 
 *& VARIETY. No. 27. 
 
 THAT, in this learned age, when the in- 
 fluence of knowledge and fcience is fo uni- 
 verfally felt, your Petitioners, among others, 
 fend themfelves very much patronifed by the 
 public ; not fewer than one hundred of whom 
 daily honour your Petitioners with their vifits, 
 and not one of that hundred but departs fatis- 
 fjed, with highly extolling your Petitioners 
 improvement in humafi.rtafan-. 
 
 THAT, owing to the meannefs of their 
 fpecies, they are excluded from the common 
 rights and enjoyments of mankind', and that 
 your Petitioners' fuifibility often feel {hocked 
 by the fear, that pjride makes a component 
 part of the applaufe which they receive, and 
 that mankind fo applaud, becmife they pity 
 them. However, the confcioufnefs of worth 
 is fuperior to a little conjecture againit an* 
 other, and is therefore above fuppofmg that 
 another can apply fuch conjecture againft 
 herfelft Your Petitiorrers then are fatisfied 
 on this fcore, and reft in the hope that the 
 world will think as liberally as they do. 
 
 YOUR Petitioner GOOSE for himfelf faith, 
 that he has reafon to efteem his knowledge,, 
 not only as the comfort,, but as the preferva- 
 lion of his life j for by an intenfe application 
 to ftudy in his earlier days, he kept his body 
 
 LA
 
 No. 27. VARIETY. 
 
 in fo continual a ftate of leannefs, that it was 
 never judged round or plump enough for the 
 martyrdom of a fpit, and hereby only has he 
 fcaped the feveral anniverfaries of that im- 
 mortal foe to his race, Saint Mithal\ and, 
 when experience hath moulted every fickly 
 quill of folly from his wing, furely it -would 
 now be hard to 'have his feathers rumpled 
 at an advanced age, by a rude premature 
 death ; to prevent this evil, is now the great 
 mark of your petitioners wifhes ; and nothing 
 could effect it more firmly, than the throwing 
 open all the different prcjfeflions to your Peti- 
 tioners, by which they might reach the high- 
 eft emoluments and offices in the ftate j nor 
 is there any juftice in precluding them, fince 
 {hey confefs to have no fcruples of con- 
 fcience, but are willing to take all the refpec- 
 iive oaths which the Teft A& requires. 
 
 YOUR Petitioner Goofe, therefore, further 
 fcys, that he can fuggeft no objection to his 
 being admitted to the ftudy of the Law, and 
 in time becoming Attorney or Sollicitor-Gen- 
 eral ; feeing too, that there are learned geefe, 
 of every flock or drove, who have feathered 
 their nefts by hatches not an egg more rational 
 than your Petitioner's might be. Your Peti- 
 tioner cannot figure to his mind a reafon why 
 
 he
 
 238 VARIETY. No. 27 
 
 he fliould not be Secretary at War or Com- 
 mander in Chief, as well as any othei 
 goofe among them ; indeed your Petitioner 
 is perfuaded the army would be his forte, fmce 
 without venturing much, he dares affirm that 
 there is not afoldieror officer in his majefty's 
 realm, who can march with fo much upright- 
 riffs as your Petitioner ; and finally, fmce a 
 man's family is often the beft fecurity for ad- 
 vancement in the army, your Petitioner flat- 
 ters himfelf, he has fome claim as a dcfcend- 
 ant of thofe Right Honourable Geefe who 
 flood centinals at, and faved the Capitol. 
 
 YOUR Petitioner Pig, for himfelf faith, 
 that from the bitternefs of his enemies the 
 butchers (who would make brawn of any 
 thing in the fhape of flefh) he confefles 
 that it has been with difficulty, he hath 
 hitherto faved his bacon ; and being defirous 
 of ftill preferring the fame, he feels a wifh, 
 in common with human nature, that his grey 
 hairs (every brifth of which has been hoared 
 in the fervice of fcience) may at laft repofe 
 in an honoured grave. 
 
 AND your Petitioner begs to affure your 
 HONOUR, that, notwithftanding the fwinijb 
 fuperftition of the herd of Jews, your Petiti- 
 oner has not a Jllce of the Devil in him. It 
 
 is
 
 No. 27. VARIETY. 239 
 
 js then with diffidence he puts hi a claim 
 thus tothe public honours ; and touching the 
 feveral profeffions, your Honour knows that 
 the practice of Medicine, or art of killing, lies 
 in the licence to do it, viz. a diploma. As 
 for the ftudy of Botany, all the town muft 
 acknowledge that no man can have a more 
 intimate acquaintance with the vegetable world 
 than your Petitioner, for this plain reafon, 
 becaufe he has the whole fyftem conftantly 
 under his nofe. And further, his advantage 
 over thofe phyficians, who profefs to judge of 
 difeafes by infpeifting the fecretions, cannot 
 be difputed, fince many allow that pigs can 
 .fee the wind, and every one knows that they 
 have no falfe delicacy about tafting, or even 
 rolling themfelves in any filth whatever. 
 
 BUT, without enumerating all his merits, 
 which would look too much like vanity, your 
 Petitioner begs to clofe his claim with avow- 
 ing, that he thinks himfelf particularly qua- 
 lified to prefide at the Board of Ordinance, 
 from a conviction that he knows fomething 
 of fortification j he having been all his life 
 {hut up by, and in contemplation of walls ; 
 and your Petitioner is fatisfied he could plan 
 as good a Stye to pen the nation up in, as 
 
 any
 
 2 4 o VARIETY, No. 77. 
 
 any of the works of Portfmouth or Ply. 
 mouth. 
 
 YOUR PETITIONERS, therefore, in all hu- 
 mility of pofture, viz. Pig on his hocks, 
 and Goofe on his giblets, nioft humbly 
 intreatyour Honour to take the grievance 
 of their cafe into confederation, and to 
 advife or point out to them fuch relief, 
 as to your Honour {hall feem meat ; and 
 your Petitioners fhall ever pray, &c. 
 
 IT is not neceflary to our prefent purpofe 
 to determine, whether, vanity be a leading 
 ftep to vice, or a principal fupport of virtue. 
 There are opinions on each fide of the quef- 
 tion. But where a man is the bigot to a fa- 
 vourite paflion, and that paflion a failing ; 
 he feldom employs much induftry to convince 
 either himfelf or the world that it is fo ; be- 
 caufe, as foon as fuch conviction begins, his 
 failing ends ; unlefs indeed he is fo weak as 
 to be confcious that he is going to commit 
 an improper action, and yet wants refolution 
 to refrain from it. From remarking the 
 little trouble L have taken, and feem inclined 
 to take on this fcore, every reader by this 
 
 time 

 
 No. 27. VARIETY. 241 
 
 time, perhaps, begins to anticipate a fecret, 
 Which it is not my intention to keep from 
 him ; on the contrary, I (hall freely confefs 
 (and without perceiving the fmalleft thrill of 
 fliame pafling through me) that in my public 
 capacity, I am as fufceptible of vanity as the 
 weakeft of her devotees can be. Never did the 
 mad heart of the extravagant Alexander feel 
 a more acute pang of joy and triumph at the 
 taking of a town, facking of a city, or plun- 
 dering of an empire, than Walter Weather- 
 cock would feel at the information, that he 
 had made a Tingle apoftate from vice, or con- 
 firmed one wavering in the path of virtue. 
 
 WITH thefe fentiments about me, it is not 
 difficult to imagine how much pleafure I re- 
 ceived from the reflection that my very firft 
 eflay fhould have been fo ferviceablej and 
 'fuch furely we muft allow it to have been, 
 when, through fuch means, two refpe&able 
 members of fociety have found an opportu- 
 nity of recording their claims on the world's 
 approbation, and their country's reward. It 
 ;|jrill at leaft write this leflbn in my memory, 
 ".hat benevolence of fentiment is often fer- 
 /iceable without a particular intention to be 
 b, the opportunity of applying it when pre- 
 (fnted to us fhould never be pafled over. 
 M Such
 
 242 VARIETY. No. 27. 
 
 Such a character itands in the world like a 
 beacon to guide wandering merit to her afy- 
 lum, or (belter the friendlefs ftranger from 
 the ftorm, which Art and Intereft are ever 
 ready to pour on him. 
 
 Jf: f.iii)r,-.'1 10 
 
 . 
 
 ;;, a 'A-..- NUM. 
 
 M
 
 No. 28. VARIETY. 243 
 
 NUMBER XXVIII. 
 
 Mr. WEATHERCOCK. 
 
 YO U muft know, Sir, that I am lineally 
 defcended from Mojler Bottom^ the 
 weaver, of whom fuch honourable mention 
 is made by the immortal Shak?fpeare, in his 
 Midfummer Night's Dream : now, having a 
 turn for poetry (by the way I am afraid this 
 circumftance may make fome people fufpec~r, 
 that the effe& of the afle's head which Puck 
 confined on my anceftors, is not quite worn 
 out) be this as it may, however, having, I 
 
 fay, a poetical turn, (or which is much the 
 fame thing) believing that I have, my genius 
 
 \naturaliy leads me to the Epigram, the merit 
 
 of which fpecies of compofuionis faid always 
 
 M 2 to-
 
 244 VARIETY. No. 29. 
 
 to lie at the bottom, or, in other words, in the 
 tail. 
 
 BUT, alas, Sir, however great the merit 
 of the Epigramatijl may be, he labours under 
 one material difadvantagc, if he wifhes to 
 favour the world (as it is called) with his 
 productions ; for they are in general fo con- 
 cife, that it would employ a man's whole 
 life to produce Epigrams enough to fill a 
 (hilling pamphlet, even though aflifted (as 
 moft modern books are) with a large type 
 and ample margin. This has been hitherto 
 a terrible obftacle to my ambition, but I am 
 encouraged to hope, from the title of your 
 paper, that I may arrive, through the mediuna 
 of it, at the fummit of my wifhes, viz. the 
 pleafure of difplaying my brilliant abilities 
 to an admiring public. 
 
 BEFORE I give you any fpecimen of my 
 art, it may, perhaps, be advifeable to fay 
 what an Epigram is, or rather what it ought 
 to be; and this may probably be more eafily 
 effected by mentioning what it is like, than by 
 attempting to give a definition of it by words. 
 THE EPIGRAM, then, has been very aptly 
 liken'd to a fcorpion^ and to a jelly bag; your 
 Scorpion Epigram includes all that may pro- 
 perly be rtiled fatyrical j that is to fay, thofe 
 
 that
 
 No. 2^. V A R I E T Y. 245 
 
 that have a fharp fting in their tails : the jelly 
 bag will comprehend all the reft, namely, thofe 
 that are pointed at the end, but without any 
 acrimony whatever. Should a compofition 
 claim the title of Epigram, without bearing 
 either of thefe eflential marks, you may de- 
 pend upon it, its title is without foundation ; 
 efpecially, if upon examination, it be found 
 to refemble a fugar-loaf y which is pointed at 
 the wrong end^ or a drum, which is equally 
 flat at both ends ; I am aware that moft of the 
 poems handed down to us from the ancients, 
 under the name of Epigram, will appear (ac- 
 cording to the modern acceptation of the 
 word) to rank in this latter clafs, and follow 
 the drum : but it fliould be remembered, that 
 the word, as now ufed, conveys a very dif- 
 ferent meaning from Ewiyfa/^a, which fig- 
 nified {imply INSCRIPTION, and was equal- 
 ly applicable to profe and poetry ; every man 
 of tafte muft acknowledge the elegance of 
 many of thefe productions of antiquity ; 
 and it would be alike abfurd to deny their 
 merit, becaufe they do not anfwer to the 
 modern idea of Epigram, as to find fault 
 with the pathetic ftories of Lefevre, or la 
 Roche^ becaufe there is nothing in either of 
 them that can excite laughter. 
 
 M 3 YOUR
 
 246 VARIETY. No. 28. 
 
 YOUR correfpondent, Philopun, com- 
 pares the Pun and Epigram together, yet 
 feems not fully aware of their very near affi- 
 nity j but if the eflence of the latter confifb 
 in its point, then a pun is not only allowable, 
 but conftitutes the chief merit of an Epi- 
 gram; for, in the French language, the 
 words are fynonimous. I am happy to find 
 my ideas confirmed by the great Boileau Def- 
 ptaux. I will tranfcribe fix lines from this, 
 admirable critic, becaufe, while they juftly 
 reprobate the ufe of a pun in ferious dif- 
 courfe, they juflify the introduction of one 
 occafionally in a lively Epigram. 
 
 SPEAKING of the fhameful inundation of 
 puns or points which prevailed a few years 
 ago in every fpecies of literature, he fays, 
 
 " La raifon outragee enfin ouvric fes yeux 
 " La chafla pour jamais dcs difcours ferieux 
 ' Et dans tous ces ecrits, la declarant infame, 
 Par grace, lui laifTal'entree en YEpigramme." 
 
 Supported by fuch authority, I venture to 
 fend you three of the jelly bag kind, and fup- 
 pofe, fince your object is VARIETY, they 
 may find admiflion ; but fhould any reader 
 have fo fqueamifh a ftomach, as to turn ficlc 
 at a pun, I ad vife him to pals them over, and 
 
 proceed
 
 .Ko. 28. V A R I E T Y. 247 
 
 proceed to the fourth, which is of the fcor- 
 pion kind, and which I have inferted for the 
 fake of Variety : as I have no venom in me, 
 fo I do not take the merit of having written 
 the latter, but merely that of having extract- 
 ed it from a newfpaper, as a curious inftance 
 how feverely the moft amiable and beneficent 
 inftitutioh may become the object of kecu 
 fatire. I am, 
 
 Dear, Sir, 
 Your admirer 
 
 and humble fervant, 
 
 YOUNG BOTTOM. 
 
 J E L L Y. B A G. No, I. 
 
 *f H E verieft nothings kindle ftfif* 
 'Twixt Plum, the grocer, and his wife; 
 Such quarrels, fure, are out of feafon, 
 For what's ajar without a reafon* 
 
 JELLY BAG. No. IT. 
 AT a late exhibition, a taylor one day 
 His knowledge in painting began to difplay, 
 But one who flood by that had fmelt out his trade, 
 Mod heartily laugh'd at the ftri&ures he made; 
 Says a Wag, " Prithee, why fo contemptuoufly 
 
 treat him ? 
 *' I know in Fine-dr awing there's none that can 
 
 beat him." 
 
 JELLY
 
 248 VARIETY. No. 28. 
 
 JELLY BAG, No. III. 
 
 OLD John was wedded to a crooked wife, 
 And thence was apprehenfive for his life, 
 Becaufe his brother George was forc'd to fly, 
 Charg'd with the heinous crime of bigamy ; 
 44 Alas !" quoth John, " I.may have equal trouble, 
 For tho' I've but one wife, God knows fhe's 
 double." 
 
 No. IV. 
 
 THE SCORPION EPIGRAM, 
 
 Addretfed to Sir John Millar, of Batheajlon, on his 
 elegant plan of dedicating an Etrufcan Fafe for 
 the reception and encouragemet of poetic EJJayt. 
 
 Miller! the URN in ancient times, 'tis faid 
 Held the collecled ajhes of the dead \ 
 So thine (the wonder of thefe modern days) 
 * Stands open day and night for lifelefs lays : 
 Leave not unfinim'd then the well form'd plan, 
 Complete the work thy claflic tafte began ; 
 And oh ! in future, e're thou doft inurn 'eta, 
 Remember firft, to rat ft a pile and burn 'em. 
 
 I SHALL 
 No&es atque dies patct.atri janua ditis.
 
 No. 28. VARIETY. 249 
 
 I SHALL add to my friend Young Bottom's 
 communication, as applicable to the fubjeft, 
 an Epigram of the late Dr. Johnfon, in La- 
 tin, with feven different tranflations by as 
 many different perfons, which if they fhould 
 all appear to belong to the drum kind, uni- 
 formly flat at both ends, they will at leaft 
 furnifh the contemplative mind with an in- 
 ftance of that Variety of words which may be 
 ufed to convey the fame thought. The Epi- 
 gram was written on the Temple of the 
 Winds, built by Lord Anfon, at his feat at 
 Shuckborough in Suffordfliire. 
 
 Gratum animum lauJo, qui deLuit omnia i>enti$ 
 ^uam bene ventorum, Templum Surgere jubet. 
 
 No. I, 
 
 Since to the winds alone he ow'd the wealthy 
 
 prize, 
 I praife the grateful foul that bade this temple rife. 
 
 No. II. 
 
 The grateful Anfon here adores the gale* 
 
 That bore to wealth and power his fweLling fails. 
 
 - 
 
 M 5 No. ill.
 
 250 V A R I E-T Y. No. 28. 
 
 NO. ii r. 
 
 From profp'rous winds, fince profp'rous fortune 
 
 rofe, 
 This fane is rais'd to every wind that blows. 
 
 No. IV. 
 
 This Temple to the wind, his gratitude has raib'd, 
 As the wind gave him all, 'tis fit the wind be 
 prais'd. 
 
 No. V. 
 
 Well, to the Winds, may he this fane afford, 
 Whom their propitious breath has made a lord. 
 
 No. VI.
 
 No. 28. VARIETY. 251 
 
 NO. vr. 
 
 Hail, thou great foul, whom gratitude bids raife, 
 This offering to the winds, which fwell'd thy 
 praife. 
 
 No. VII. 
 
 The winds gave Anfon all, his very food, 
 And to the winds this marks his gratitude; 
 'Tis an ill wind indeed that blows no good- 
 
 N U
 
 252 VARIETY. No. 29. 
 
 NUMBER XXIX. 
 
 From a piivite Mad-houfe, Monday nearcft 
 the full Moon. 
 
 S I R, 
 
 HAVING lived long enough on this 
 earth to fee the emptinefs of all enjoy- 
 ments, the vanity of purfuits, and the un- 
 certainty of fuccefs j I determined to rifle 
 every thing, and leave the world in fearvh 
 of a better: but, though I was difgufted 
 with the world, I had not quarrelled with 
 life ; I did not follow the example of my 
 countrymen in hanging or drowning myfelf - t 
 no, Sir, 1 refolved to take advantage of the 
 late wonderful diicoveries in chymiftry, and 
 
 turn
 
 No. 29. V A R I E T Y. 253 
 
 turn my back on one globe, by the help of 
 another; fo I provided myfelf with a mag- 
 nificent balloon. 
 
 MY principal object was to vifit one of 
 the planets, and I thought I might reach the 
 Moon in a very ftiort time ; but, as a prudent 
 man always guards againft the poflibility of 
 failure in the beft planned undertaking, fo 
 I had prepared myfelf with every neceflary 
 to execute another fcheme, fhould my ori- 
 ginal one prove abortive, and this was the 
 taking a trip to the Eaji Indies ; which, by 
 the help of thefe machines, is eafily to be 
 done in about eight hours. Here, left the 
 ftupidity of future ^Eronauts may not fee the 
 facility of this voyage, I will explain it in a 
 manner to be comprehended by the meaneft 
 proficient in Natural Philofophy. Nothing 
 more is neceflary, than to afcend in a per- 
 pendicular direction, till the balloon is out 
 of the earth's attraction ; then remain fta- 
 tionary about eight hours, and defcend in 
 the fame direction; the earth will in that 
 time have revolved one-third upon its axis, 
 and this will land you fomewhere in the Eaft 
 Indies. From thence to England the return 
 is to be made in the fame manner, allowing 
 fixteen hours inflead of eight for the remain- 
 ing
 
 254 VARIETY. No. 29-, 
 
 ing two-thirds of the earth's circumference; 
 for as every body knows that the earth re- 
 volves on its own axis once in twenty four 
 hours, it is felf-evident that the effect muft 
 be the fame, whether a man go round the 
 world till he come to the fame fpot, or whe- 
 ther he ftands ftill, and lets the world go 
 round without him, till the fame fpot returns 
 to him. But to proceed with the account of 
 my voyage. 
 
 HAVING filled my balloon, and taken my 
 feat in the car, I cut the lines which fattened 
 it to the ground, and away 1 flew like a cork 
 from a bottle of Champaignc. 1 will not 
 detain you with defcriptions of the country 
 I had quitted, the clouds under me like 
 fleeces of wool, or the intenfe heat and cold 
 of the mediums through which I pafled for 
 the firft few mile?, they being already fo 
 mply related by others ; I fhall only obferve, 
 that my remarks confirmed theirs as far as 
 they went, particularly with refpecT: to the 
 power of afcenfion being augmented as the 
 air became more rarified ; for the velocity of 
 my progrefs increafed fo rapidly, that at 
 length, by my calculation, I found I was 
 going faiter than a ball fired from the largeft 
 cannon, in the proportion of 736/7 to * 
 
 and
 
 No. 29. V A R I E T Y. 255 
 
 and this convinced me I fhould reach the 
 moon before fun-fet. 
 
 I EXPECTED, as I approached this novel 
 region, to be charmed with that variety of 
 colours and objects which the earth prefents 
 to the delighted ./Eronaut ; but, on the con- 
 trary, the whole fur face feemed one uniform 
 mafs of the brighteft filver, and thofe appa- 
 rent fpots and ftreaks which have induced the 
 learned to fancy they faw hills and valleys, 
 and which the ignorant believe to be a man 
 with a faggot on his back, were now proved 
 to be the illufions of imagination, or the 
 deception of fight. I particularly noticed 
 the three luminous fpots which the ingenious 
 HERSCHELL has fuppofed to be volcanoes; 
 but, as 1 approached them, they appeared no 
 longer tbrety but one and they became a 
 Striking proof how abfurdly men are apt to 
 argue from analogy, and how vain are all 
 conjectures refpe&ing heavenly and incom- 
 prehenfible fubjedts, when founded on appa- 
 rent fimilitude to what we fee on earth. I 
 fiiall therefore here premife, that when I ufe 
 familiar comparifons or allufions to explain 
 what I have feen, you muft not underftand 
 tne literally ; for 1 , in defcribing things which 
 .were never heard or feen, or even thought of 
 
 before,
 
 256 VARIETY. No. 29. 
 
 before, there muft inevitably be great difficulty 
 to convey adequate ideas. 
 
 1 LANDED on the plated furface of the 
 moon, at feven o'clock P. M. and walked 
 about three miles before I faw the final left 
 hope of rinding it inhabited j at length I dif- 
 covered an intelleSlual SOMETHING, for I 
 cannot call it Matter^ becaufe it had no 
 parts ; nor Spirit^ becaufe it feemed mate- 
 rially vifible : in fhort, if I muft compare it 
 to any thing we know, it muft be to an in- 
 telligentand fparkling HUMAN EYE. Thatyou 
 may underftand me, Sir, 1 muft afk, if you 
 have never feen a human eye which could con- 
 vey the feveral ideas of love, or fear, or pride, 
 or anger, with a Tingle look? and, without 
 the help of language, could exprefs the 
 ftrongeft pleafure or difeuft? Such, in a de- 
 gree beyond human conception, was the 
 object I am defcribing, and with which I 
 held a converfe purely intellectual ; for it 
 anfwered my enquiries, and fatisfkd my ut- 
 moft cunofity, before I had time to form my 
 queftions into words. Of this almoft intui- 
 tive conference the refult -was this : that in 
 the moon there is no variety; a perfect fame- 
 nefs dwells throughout the extenfive regions 
 of this mighty luminary, confequemly it can 
 
 only
 
 No. 29. VARIETY. 257 
 
 only be inhabited by a fingle perfon ; for it 
 is impoffible for two things, however nearly 
 refembling each other, to exift without dif- 
 tintion. 
 
 THE three fuppofed volcanoes, therefore, 
 are but one great glare, the fole ufe of which 
 is to keep up an uniformity of light and 
 warmth during the abfence of the fun ; for 
 here is no difference betwixt day and night, 
 or betwixt heat and cold. Upon farther en- 
 quiry into the ftate of exiftehce in a country 
 where perfeft uniformity prevailed, I found 
 there was neither pain, nor fear, nor farrow: 
 but while I was going to rejoice in being 
 admitted into fuch a ftate of happinefs, I was 
 told by a look, that there was alfo neither 
 pleafure, kope^ nor joy j for that each could 
 only exift by comparifon with its contrary : 
 and that all the variety which proceeds from 
 health and ficknefs, power and dependance, 
 company and folitude, with all that inex- 
 hauftible fund of contrarieties which form 
 the various fhades betwixt GOOD and EVIL on 
 our globe, derived their very being from the 
 power of contrajl\ and that where perfeft uni- 
 formity prevailed, neither happinefs nor mifery 
 could be long expected. 
 
 FOR
 
 258 VARIETY. No. 29. 
 
 t- 
 
 FOR fome tirne, the fatisfaclion I received 
 in this intelle&ual converfe Teemed to cori- 
 tradift the laft affertion, for the novelty of 
 fuch inftruclion gave me happinefs which I 
 could not fupprefs. To find myfelf at once 
 at the fountain-head of fcience ; to le;im 
 without application, and to know without 
 refearch ; to investigate without fatigue, and 
 to difcover without the trouble of feeking, 
 appeared to me fuch never failing fources 6f 
 true delight, that I was about to exprefs the 
 tranfports I experienced, and difpute the 
 point with my antagonift, when the eye 
 glanced contempt. I felt at once the narrow 
 nefs of my difcernmenr, blufhed to be con- 
 futed by a look, and fhrunk into myfelf with 
 ihame at my defeat; then cheered again, and 
 (like the difturbed quickfilver of a barometer) 
 my fpirits for a time fluctuated betwixt joy 
 and mortification , till at laft they fettled in 
 perfect indifference. This put an end to our 
 conference, and left me in that liftlefs indo- 
 lence of mind whtch can only be roufed by 
 the calls of nature. 
 
 I WAS going to afk, if fupper was not 
 ready? when another look of contempt in- 
 formed me, that hunger was a fource of va- 
 riety unknown to my new acquaintance; and 
 
 I fhut
 
 No. 29. VARIETY. 259 
 
 1 {hut my eyes, that I might be no longer 
 expofcd to this intuitive converfation. 'Twas 
 then I devoutly wifhed for the means of re- 
 turning to my own planet, where life is 
 chequered by the never-ceafing pleafures of 
 novelty and change ; where corporeal refrejh- 
 ments add vigour to the foul^ and mental extacy 
 is joined with fenfual appetite; where unex* 
 pe&ed joy fucceeds the pangs of farrow, and 
 where through pain we reach our higheft 
 phafure j where hateful vice fets off the 
 charms of virtue-, and where prefent cala- 
 mities and evil give way to future profpe&s of 
 never-ending happinefs. 
 
 THUS meditating in the prefence of that 
 eye which I dared no longer confult, I in- 
 fenfibly fell afleep, and, by fome unknown 
 power, was fuddenly tranfported (together 
 with the (nattered fragments of my balloon) 
 to my own garden from whence I took my 
 flight. 
 
 OH! Sir, you will fcarce believe me, 
 when I tell you how ungratefully my ne- 
 phew ufes me; I have brought him up, and 
 educated him to be my heirj and this boy, 
 inftead of being pleafed at my return, and 
 liftening with rapture to my wonderous nar- 
 rative, proclaims to all the world that I am 
 
 mad,
 
 a6o V A R I E T Y. No, 29. 
 
 mad, and has artfully converted my adven- 
 tures to his advantage, by making it a plea 
 for putting me into this houfe, that he may 
 put himfelf into pofleflion of my eftate. 
 
 IF you are not difpleafed with my corre- 
 fpondence, you may expcdl to hear from me 
 again ; in the mean while, do me the juftice 
 to believe that I am, 
 
 S I R, 
 
 Your's in truth, 
 
 LUNATICUS* 
 
 NXJM-
 
 No. 30. VARIETY. 261 
 
 NUMBER XXX. 
 
 THE FRIAR's TALE. 
 
 IN feveral convents fituated among the 
 mountains which divide France and Italy, 
 a cufrom prevails that does honour to human 
 nature : in thefe fequeftered cloifters, which 
 are often placed in the molr uninhabited parts 
 of the Alps, Grangers and travellers are not 
 :only hofpitably entertained,but abreed of dogs 
 ; are trained to go in fearch of wanderers, and 
 [are every morning fent from the convents 
 with an apparatus fattened to their collars, 
 containing fome refrefliment, and a direction 
 to travellers to follow the fagacious animal : 
 many lives are by this means preferved in this 
 hurild romantic country. During my laft vi- 
 
 fit
 
 262 VARIETY. No. 30. 
 
 fit to the South of France, I made a trip into 
 this mountainous region, and at the convent 
 of * * *, where I was at firft induced to pro- 
 long my ftay by the majeftic fcenery of its 
 Environs j as that became familiar, I was 
 fiill more forcibly detained by the amiable 
 manners of the reverend Father, who was at 
 that time Superior of that monaftery : from 
 him I received the following pathetic nar- 
 rative, which I fhall deliver, as nearly as I 
 can recollect, in his own words. 
 
 * ABOUT twenty years ago, (faid the ve- 
 < nerable old ma"n) I was then in the 571!* 
 
 * year of my age, and fecond of my priority 
 ' over this houfe, a moft fingular event 
 ' happened through the fagacity of one of 
 ' thefe dogs, to which I became myfelf a wit- 
 ' nefs. Not more than a dozen leagues from 
 ' hence, there lived a wealthy gentleman, the 
 
 * father of Matilda^ who was his only child, 
 ' and whofe hiftory I am going to relate. 
 c In the fame village lived alfo Albert, a youth 
 ' poflefTed of all the world deems excellent 
 ' in man, except one fingle article, which 
 was the only object of regard in the eyes 
 
 * of Matilda's father. Albert^ with a graceful 
 
 * perfon, cultivated mind, elegance of man- 
 
 * ners, and captivating fweetnefs of difpo- 
 
 ' fition, 

 
 No. 30. V A R I E T Y. 263 
 
 fition, was poor in fortune; and Matilda's 
 ' father was blind to every other confidera- 
 < tion j blind to his daughter's real happi- 
 nefs, and a ftranger to the foul-delighting 
 
 * fenfation, of raifing worth and genius, de- 
 prefled by poverty, to affluence and inde- 
 ' pendence. Therefore on Matilda's confef* 
 ' fion of unalterable attachment to her be- 
 loved Albert^ the cruel father refolved to 
 
 |; ' take advantage of the power which the laws 
 
 * here give a man, to difpofe both of his 
 ' ' daughter and his wealth at pleafure j thelat- 
 
 ' ter he refolved to bequeath to his nephew 
 
 * Conrad^ and Matilda was fent to a neigh- 
 I * bouring convent ; where, after a year's pro- 
 | ''bation, (he was to be compelled to renounce 
 ("both Albert and the world, 
 
 ' CONRAD, whofe artful infinuations had 
 
 * long worked on the weak mind of this mif- 
 
 * guided father, was not content with hav- 
 ' ing thus feparated thefe lovers, but by in- 
 *'citing perfecution from the petty creditors 
 'of Albert^ drove him from his home j and, 
 
 * after many fruitlefs endeavours to commu- 
 nicate with his loft miftrefs, he fled for 
 
 *'fan&uary to this convent. Here (faid the 
 hoary monk) I became acquainted with the 
 
 * virtues
 
 264 VARIETY. No. 30. 
 
 4 virtues of that excellent young man, for he 
 4 was our gueft about ten months. 
 
 * IN all this time Matilda patted her days 
 
 * in wretchednefs andperfecution ; the abbefs 
 4 of her convent, Sifter There fa^ who, to the 
 4 difgrace of her profeflion and our holy 
 4 church, difguifed the difpofition of a devil 
 4 in the garment of a faint ; became the friend 
 
 * and minifter of Conrad's wicked purpofes, 
 ' and never ceafed to perfecute Matilda 
 4 by falfe reports concerning Albert^ urging 
 
 * her to turn her thoughts from him, to 
 4 that heavenly fpoufe to whom (he was about 
 ' to make an everlafting vow. Matilda fcorn- 
 4 ed her artifice, and love for Albert refitted 
 ' every effort of the abbefs to fhake her con- 
 ' fidence in his fidelity. 
 
 4 SHE was in the laft week of her novici- 
 4 ate, when her father became dangeroufly 
 
 * ill, and defired once more to fee her. Con- 
 4 rod ufed every endeavour to prevent it",, 
 4 but in vain ; (lie was fent for ; and the inter- 
 4 view was only in the prefence of C&nrad 
 4 and the nurfe ; but when the dying father 
 4 perceived the altered countenance of his 
 4 once beloved child, his heart condemned 
 
 4 him, he reflected that the wealth which he 
 
 * was going to quit for ever, belonged to her, 
 
 4 and
 
 No. 30. VARIETY. 465 
 
 < and not to Conrad, and he refolved to ex- 
 ' piate his cruelty by cancelling the will, 
 
 * and confenting to the union of Albert and 
 
 * Matilda. Having made a folemn decla- 
 
 * ration of his purpofe, he called for the 
 
 * will j then taking Matilda's hand in one of 
 r* his, and prefenting the fatal writing with 
 
 * the other, he faid, " Forgive thy father'! 
 " deftroy this paper, and be happy ; fo be my 
 ;' fins forgiven in heaven !" c The joy of 
 ' his heart at this firft effort of benevolence, 
 ' was too much for his exhaufted fpirits, and 
 ' he expired as he uttered the laft words, 
 letting fall the will, which he was going to 
 
 * deliver. 
 
 * MATILDA'S gentle foul was torn with 
 
 * contending paflions, fhe had loft her father 
 
 * at the moment when he had bcflowed frefli 
 
 * life; and, in the conflict betwixt joy and 
 grief, fhe funk on the lifelefs corps, in an 
 
 * agony of gratitude and filial tendernefs. 
 4 MEANWHILE Conrad did not let flip this 
 
 * opportunity to compleat his plan, which, by 
 ' the dying words of his uncle had been fo 
 4 nearly defeated j he fecured the will, and 
 
 * corrupted the nurfe by promifes and bribes, 
 ' never to reveal what fhe had witnefled ; 
 ' half perfuading the interefted doating old 
 
 N woman,
 
 266 VARIETY. No. 30. 
 
 ' woman, that it was only the effect of deli-' 
 ' rium in the deceafed. This idea was but 
 ' too well fupported by the firft queftion of 
 
 * Matilda^ who exclaimed, as fhe came to 
 
 * herfelf ; " Where am I ! fure 'tis a dream ! 
 " my father could not fay I fhould be happy, 
 " he could not bid me tear that fatal will ? 
 l Speak ! am I really awake, or does my fan- 
 " cy mock me with fuch founds?" The 
 ' artful Conrad aflured her that nothing of 
 ' the kind had parted, telling her that her fa- 
 
 * ther had only mentioned Albert's name to ; 
 ' curfe him ; and, with his laft breath, com- 
 ' manded her to take the veil at the expira- 
 ' tion of the week. All this the perjured 
 4 nurfe confirmed ; and then Matilda^ being 
 
 * perfectly recovered, firft faw the horrors 
 ' of her fituation. It was in vain for her to 
 
 * deny what they aflerted, or remonftrate 
 
 * againft their combined perfidy. She was 
 ' prefently, by force, again conveyed to her 
 
 * nunnery, in a (late of mind much eafier to 
 
 * imagine than defcribe. 
 
 ' HERE (he was more violently than ever 
 
 * attacked by Tberefa's perfecution, who urg- 
 
 * ed with increafiog vehemence, the pretend- 
 
 * ed pofitive commands of her dying father; 
 4 and, by the advice of Conrad^ ufed feveri- 
 
 ' ties
 
 No. 30. V A R I E T Y. 267 
 
 ties of conventual difcipline, which almoft 
 
 * robbed the devoted victim of her reafon ; 
 
 * ftill pleading, that RELIGION juftified her 
 ' conduct. Can it be wondered, that fuch 
 
 * cruel treatment {hould at length difturb the 
 ' piety and faith of poor Matilda? and in- 
 ' duce her to exclaim, with prefumptuous 
 
 * bitternefs,againft theholyinftitutionsof our 
 ' church, and brand the facred ordinances 
 ' of our religion with unjuft fufpicions. 
 
 ' " Why ! (faid (he) why are thefe mafTy 
 grates permitted to exift, why are thefe 
 " hated walls fad prifons of innocence and 
 youth, where fraud and cruelty have power 
 " to torture and confine the helplcfs ? RELI- 
 GION is the plea ; Religion ! which fhould 
 '* bring peace, and not affliction, to its vo- 
 " taries ; then furely that religion which 
 juftifies thefe gloomy dungeons muft be 
 " falfe, and I will abjure it ; yes ! I will fly 
 to happier regions, where prifons are alot- 
 ted only to the guilty ; there, t no falfe vows 
 to heaven are exacted, but Albert and Ma- 
 ** tllda may be yet happy." ' The poflibili- 
 .* ty of an efcape had never before prefented 
 * itfelf, and indeed, it could never have oc- 
 cured but to one whofe reafon was difor- 
 ;* dered, for (he well knew that the doors 
 N 2' were
 
 268 VARIETY. No. 30. 
 
 ' were fecured by many bars and locks, and 
 
 * that the keys were always depofited beneath 
 4 the pillow of the Abbefs. 
 
 4 Her imagination was now too much heat- 
 
 * ed to attend to any obflacles, and with a 
 
 * mixture of forefight, infpired by infanity, 
 4 fhe packed up all her little ornaments of 
 
 * value, carelefsly drew on her cloaths, and 
 4 put in her pocket fome bread and provifion 
 4 which had been left in her cell j then wrap- 
 ' ping round her elegant form one of the 
 
 * blankets from the bed, fhe lighted a taper, 
 4 and fearlefs walked towards theCloifterdoor, 
 4 idly expecting that it would fly open of its 
 ' own accord, to innocence like hers and 
 4 now methinks I fee her, with hair difhevel- 
 ' led, face pale and wan, her large black eyes 
 4 wildly flaring, and the whole of her ghaft- 
 ' ly figure, lighted by the feeble glimmer of 
 4 her taper, majeftically (talking through the 
 
 * gloomy vaulted hall ; arrived at the great 
 
 * door, fhe found it partly open, and fcarce 
 
 * believing what fhe faw, fhe quickly glided 
 
 * through it; but, as fhe parted, an iron bar 
 
 * which fhe had not obferved, and which 
 4 projected at the height of her forehead, 
 ' flightly grazed her temple j and though fhe 
 < fcarcely felt the wound, yet it added new 
 
 4 horrors
 
 No. 30. VARIETY. 269 
 
 < horrors to her look, by covering her ghoft- 
 
 * like face with ftreaks of blood. 
 
 * ALTHOUGH Matilda had never confider- 
 
 * ed the improbability of paffing this door, 
 
 * fhe now reflected with wonder how (he had 
 ' palled it, and fear of a difcovery began to 
 
 * operate, as foe with more cautious fteps 
 ' moved filently through the cloifter towards 
 
 * the outer-gate} which when fhe approached j 
 ' fhe heard Tberefa's voice whifpering thefe 
 
 * words : " Adieu, dear Conrad > but remem- 
 " ber that your life, as well as mine, depend 
 "on the fecrecy of our conduct:" 'then 
 ' tenderly embracing each other, a man 
 ' ran fwiftly from her, and the Abbefs turn- 
 4 ing round, flood motionlefs with horror 
 ' at the bloody fpectre firmly approach- 
 
 * ing. The guilty mind of Therefa could only 
 
 * fuppofe the horrid vifion to be the departed 
 
 * fpirit of one whom fhe thought her cruelties 
 
 * had murdered ; and while the panic feized 
 
 * her whole frame, a guft of wind from the 
 
 * gate, extinguifhing the taper, Matilda feem- 
 ed to vanifh, as fhe refolutely pufhed thro* 
 
 * the poftern door ftill open. 
 
 * THERESA was too well hackneyed in the 
 
 * ways of vice, to let fear long take pofief- 
 
 * fion of her prudence : the night was dark, 
 
 N 3 and
 
 270 V A R I E T Y. No. 30, 
 
 * and it would have been in vain to purfue 
 
 * the phantom, if her recovering courage had 
 ' fuggefted it j ftie therefore refolv'd to fatten 
 
 * both the doors, and return in filence to her 
 ' own apartment, waiting, in all the pertur- 
 .' bation of anxiety and guilt, till morning 
 
 * fhould explain this dreadful myftcry. 
 
 * Meanwhile Matilda^ confcious in her in- 
 
 * nocence, and rejoicing in her efcape, pur- 
 
 * fued a wandering courfe through the un- 
 ' frequented paths of this mountainous dif- 
 ' tridt, during three whole days and nights; 
 
 * partly fupporting her fatigue by the provi- 
 fions (he had taken with her, but more from 
 ' a degree of infanity, which gave her powers 
 
 * beyond her natural ftrength ; yet, in her 
 
 * diftrated mind, this laft inftance of Tke- 
 
 * rtfa's wickednefs, had excited a difguft and 
 
 * loathing, bordering on fury againft every 
 
 * Religious or Mono/lie injlitution.* 
 
 THE Monk had proceeded thus far, when 
 he was called away to attend the duties of 
 his coBvent, and promifcd to continue the 
 narrative at his return. 
 
 N U M-
 
 VARIETY, 271 
 
 NUMBER XXXI. 
 
 THE FRIAR's TALE 
 
 (Continued.) 
 
 THE Father foon returned, and pro- 
 ceeded with his narrative as follows: 
 
 * DURING the whole twelve months of 
 ' Matilda's noviciate, no intercourfe of any 
 
 * kind had patted betwixt her and Albert^ 
 ' who continued under the protection of this 
 ' houfe, alike ignorant of her father's death, 
 and of all the other tranfaions which I 
 
 * have now related : yet knowing that the 
 
 N 4 terra
 
 272 VARIETY. No. 31. 
 
 ' term of her probation was about to expire, 
 ' he refolved once more to attempt fome 
 
 * means of gaining admittance to her con- 
 vein. With this view he made a journey 
 thither in the difguife of a peafantj and, 
 ' on the very morning in which his miftrefs 
 ' had efcaped, he prefented himfclf at the 
 
 * gate. 
 
 CONRAD, who had by letter from the 
 ' Abbcfs been informed that her prifoner was 
 ' fled, was defired to come immediately, and 
 
 * devife fome excufe to the fitters for what 
 
 * had happened; for, although both to Conrad 
 ' and Therefa the fa& was evident enough, 
 
 * yet the fifler nuns were diffracted in con* 
 
 * je&ures : till, by one of thofe artful ftretches 
 ' of aflurance, which confummate villainy 
 
 * finds it eafy to exert, Conrad recommended 
 
 * a plaufible expedient. And now RELIGION 
 
 * (that conftant comfort of the good, and 
 
 * powerful weapon of the wicked) prefented 
 4 itfelf, as the only refource in this emer- 
 < gency. Therefa was taught to fay (for the 
 
 * prefent), that (he had no doubt the finful 
 ' relu&ance of Matilda to receive the 'veil 
 ' had. excited the wrath of Heaven ; and that 
 ' fhe, was miraculoufly fnatched away, or 
 
 * perhaps annihilated, to prevent the dread- 
 
 ful
 
 \ 
 
 No. 3i. V A R I E T Y. 273 
 
 * ful profanation of the holy ceremony at 
 which flie muft that day have affifted. 
 
 * THIS plan had been fettled, and Conrad 
 4 was going with all hafte in purfuit of the 
 
 * fugitive, when, at the outer gate, he met 
 
 * the pretended peafant. The penetrating 
 ' eye, either of Love or Hatred, foon difcovers 
 *a friend or enemy, however carefully dif- 
 ' guifed Conrad and Albert knew each other. 
 ' Inftantly the flames of hatred, jealoufy 
 ' and fury, kindled in their bofoms ; and 
 ' Conrad feizing Albert by the throat, ex- 
 ' claimed, "I've caught the villain, the 
 *' facrilegious ravifher!" A fevere ftruggle 
 4 enfued, in which Conrad drew his fword ; 
 
 * but Albert (who had no weapon) dextroufly 
 ' wrenched the inftrument from the hand of 
 
 * Conrad^ and plunged it in his bofom. The 
 
 * villain fell ; while Albert fled with the ut- 
 
 * moft precipitation from the bloody fcene, 
 ' and returned in, the evening to this con- 
 
 * vent. 
 
 4 How (hall I defcribe (faid the good old 
 ' Monk) the contraft betwixt the looks of 
 
 * our unhappy youth at this moment, and on 
 ' the preceding morning when he left us! 
 
 * Then, innocence faintly enlightened by a 
 
 * gleam of hope, fmiled in his features, as 
 
 N 5 <he
 
 274 VARIETY. No, 31. 
 
 4 he chearfully bid us adieu, and faid, " per- 
 " haps I may again hear tidings of Matilda^ 
 " fliould the will of Heaven deny me happr- 
 ** nefs with her, I will come back refigned, 
 4t and dedkate my future life to holy medi- 
 44 tation void of guilt." But now, he re- 
 
 * turned breathlefs and pale, his hands be- 
 4 fmeared with blood, his limbs trembling}. 
 4 he could only utter, in faultering words, 
 ** Save me, reverend leathers ! fave me from 
 "juftice, fromtnyfelf, ifpoffiblel Behold a 
 " murderer \" 
 
 4 SOME hours elapfed before we could col- 
 
 * left from him, the circumftances of a crime, 
 
 * which had produced this extreme degree of 
 
 * horror and compun&ion in a mind fo vir- 
 
 * tuous and innocent as that of Albert \ and, 
 4 having heard the whole, i-n which be took 
 
 * all the blame to his own hafty conducl, we 
 1 promifed him protection; and endeavoured, 
 
 * though in vain, for two whole days to 
 
 * fpealt comfort to his troubled mind, and ta 
 
 * infpire confidence in the boundlefs mercy 
 
 * of his GOD. On the third day we were 
 4 diverted from this arduous tafk, by the 
 4 return and behaviour of one of our dogs j 
 4 the poor animal, who had been out ail day, 
 
 * was refllefs, and (hewed evident marks of 
 4 a defire that we fliould accompany him tp 
 
 4 the
 
 No. 3i. VARIETY. 275 
 
 ' the relief of fome poor wretch, who was 
 ' unable to reach our convent. 
 
 ' FATHER JEROME and 1 refolved to fol- 
 ' low him ; and we proceeded about half a 
 
 * mile when we turned from the beaten 
 
 * track guided by our dog, to a retired glen 
 
 * where human feet had hardly ever trod 
 ' before. Here, on a rock, which projected 
 ' over a dreadful precipice, fat an unhappy 
 
 * half-diftra<ted object ; 1 need not tell you, 
 
 * it was Matilda*-~-Sbt had crept with won- 
 
 * tierous difficulty up a fteep afcent to a ledge 
 
 * of rock which overhung a fearful ?hafm 
 
 * (the very recollection of the place freezes 
 
 * my blood!) when we firft difcovered her, 
 
 * (he was eagerly clinging to a branch of 
 
 * yew which grew from a fiffure in the rock 
 
 * above, and which half {haded her melan- 
 
 * choly figure. 
 
 c THE dog followed her fteps ; but Jerome 
 4 and 1, unable to afcend a path fo dangerous, 
 
 * ftood unobferved by her, at a little diftance 
 ' on the oppofite fide the glen. 
 
 * WHEN Matilda firft perceived the dog, 
 
 * {he looked with wildnefs rou^id her; then 
 
 * fixing her eyes with tendernefs on the 
 
 * animal, {he faid, '* Are you returned to me 
 " again? and are you now my friend? Fie, 
 
 No " fie
 
 276 VARIETY. No. 3 r. 
 
 " fie upon it! Shall even dogs feduce the 
 " helplefs ! Perhaps you repent of what 
 " you would have done You look piteoufly. 
 "Alas! Matilda can forgive you! Poor 
 " brute! you know I followed you all the 
 <c day long, and would have followed you 
 '* for ever, but that you led me to a de- 
 " tefted convent! Thither Matilda will not 
 " g^ Why fhould you lead me to a prifon ? 
 4t a dog cannot plead REMGION in excufe 
 " for- treachery !" She paufed ; then taking 
 
 * a rofary of pearls from her fide, fhe fan- 
 
 * taftically wound it about the dog's neck, 
 
 * faying, " I have a boon to afk, and thus I 
 ct bribe you ; thefe precious beads are yours: 
 " now guide me to the top of this high 
 11 mountain, that I may look about me, and 
 " fee all the world. '['hen 1 (hall know 
 ** whether my Alien itiil be living Ah, no ! 
 *' it cannot be! for then Matilda would be 
 ** happy! and that can never, never be!" 
 
 * She then burft into a flood of tears, whi<:h 
 
 * fcemed to give her fome relief. 
 
 * WHEN I thought fhe was fufficiently 
 ' compofed, 'Jerome and I difcovered our- 
 ' felves. On this fhe fhrieked, and hid her 
 4 face; but calling to her, I faid, " Albert is 
 ' Ittll alive." She looked at us, till by 
 
 ' degrees
 
 No. 3r. V A R I E T Y. 277 
 
 ' degrees he had wildly examined us from 
 ' head to foot ; then turning to the dog, fhe 
 ' leized him by the throat, and would have 
 4 dafhed him down the precipice, faying, 
 " Ah, traitor! is it thus thou haft betrayed 
 " me?" But the animal ftruggled and got 
 c from her. She then firmly looked at us, 
 4 and cried, " Here 1 am fafe, deceitful mon- 
 " fters ! fafe from the tyranny of your reli- 
 44 gious perfecution ; for, if you approach 
 44 one fingle ftep, I plunge into this yawning 
 " gulph, and fo efcape your power. Ha! 
 44 ha! ha!" Then recovering from a frantic 
 
 * laugh, (he faid, " Yet tell me, did you not 
 " fay that Albert lives ? Oh ! that fuch words 
 *' had come from any lips but thofe of a faife 
 *' monk! I know your arts; with you fuch 
 44 fallfehoods are religious frauds; this is a 
 " pious lie, to enfnare a poor helplefs linnet 
 44 to its cage : but I tell you, cunning priefts ! 
 44 here I defy you ; nor will I ever quit this 
 *' rock, till Albert's voice affurts me I may 
 " do it fafely." 
 
 4 You will eafily imagine (continued the 
 
 * monk) the fituation of 'Jerome and myfelf. 
 4 Ignorant then of the manner in which 
 4 Matilda had efcaped, we could only know 
 4 from her words and actions that it was (he 
 
 4 herfelf,
 
 278 VARIETY. No. 31. 
 
 4 herfelf v and that her fenfes were impaired ; 
 4 perplexed how to entice her from this pe- 
 ' rilous retreat, and knowing that one falfe 
 ' ftep would dafh her headlong down the 
 4 dreadful chal'm that parted us, at length 
 ' I faid, " Gentle maid, be comforted ; Albert 
 44 and Matilda may yet be happy." Then 
 4 leaving Jerome concealed among the buflies 
 * to watch the poor lunatic, I haftened to the 
 4 convent, to relate what I had feen. 
 
 4 MEANWHILE, Matilda looking with va- 
 4 cant ftare around her, from time to time 
 4 repeated my words, 4t Albert and Matilda 
 * 4 may yet be happy;" then paufing, fhe fecmed 
 4 delighted with the found re-echoed from 
 4 the rocks, again repeating, 4 ' Albert and 
 4 ' Matilda may yet be happy j" ftill varying 
 4 the modulation of her voice, as joy, grief, 
 4 doubt, defpair, or hope alternately prevailed 
 4 in her difordered mind.* 
 
 AT this interefling period of the narrative, 
 the venerable father was a fecond time called 
 out, and promifed to conclude his ftory when 
 be murned. 
 
 NUM-
 
 V A R I E T Y.- 279 
 
 NUMBER XXXII. 
 
 THE FRIAR 's TALE, 
 (Concluded.} 
 
 4 T WILL not long detain you (refumed 
 i the Reverend Friar) with the effect my 
 
 * narrative had on the deje&ed Alert^ how 
 c he at firfr exclaimed, " Can there be com- 
 44 fort for a guilty wretch like Albertl" and 
 4 eagerly ran towards the place ; then moved 
 4 more calmly on my reprefenting how fatal 
 4 might be furprize to one in fo dangerous afi- 
 4 tuation ; and at length (hrinking back, as he 
 4 approached the fpot, and turning to me, he 
 
 * faid, " Father, I will go no further! Hea- 
 " ven has ordaintd,*as a punilhment for the 
 
 44 murder-
 
 2 8o V A, R I E T Y. No. 32. 
 
 "murder I have committed, that I fhould 
 ** become a witnefs to the (hocking death of 
 *' the poor loft Matllaa ; at my approach, in 
 " frantic extafy fhe will quit her hold, and 
 " perifh before my fight." I urged him to 
 ' proceed, but it was in vain, he fat down on 
 ' a bank, and was filently wrapt in an agony 
 ' of irrefolution, when he heard, at a little 
 ' diftance, the well known voice of the poor 
 4 lunatic, ftill repeating my words; " Al- 
 '* bert and Matilda may yet be happy." Roufed 
 
 * by the found, he ftarted up, and cautioufly 
 ' advancing, he exclaimed ; " Juft Heaven ! 
 " fulfil thole words, and let them, indeed, be 
 ** happy !" 
 
 * MATILDA knew the voice, and carefully 
 ' treading a path, which would have feemcd 
 
 * impracticable to one poflcfled of reafon, fhe 
 
 * defcended from the ledge on which fhe fat, 
 
 * and approached with cautious fteps ; but, 
 ' at the Tight of Albert^ fhe flew impetuoufly 
 
 * forward, till feeing me, fhe as fuddenly 
 ' ran back, ?nd would have again retreated to 
 ' the rock, fhrieking, *' It is all illufion ! 
 ' prieftcraft ! it is no real Albert, and I am 
 ** betrayed." We purfued,and caught her; 
 
 * then finding my religious garb augmented 
 ' the diforder of her mind, 1 withdrew, leav- 
 
 * ing only Albert to calm her needlefs fears. 
 
 BUT
 
 No. 32. VARIETY. 281 
 
 ' BUT no perfuafion, even from him, could 
 induce her to come within view of the 
 
 * convent gates ; I provided, therefore, ac- 
 
 * cotnmodations for her in the cottage of ar 
 
 * labourer, at fome little diftanccj where, for 
 
 * many days, her delirium continued, while 1 
 ' a fever threatened a fpeedy difiblution. Du- 
 
 * ring this period, Albert was labouring un- 
 ' der all the anxiety which his fituation could 
 infpire; the deed he had committed fat 
 ' heavy on his foul, and he dared not hope 
 ' for an event, which his own guilty thoughts 
 ' reproached him with having not deferved. 
 
 * At length the crifis of the fever fhew'd 
 ' figns of a recovery, and now his joys was 
 ' without bounds, even the blood of Conrad 
 
 * feemed a venial crime, and he triumphed in 
 4 the anticipation of reward for all he had 
 ' fuffered : but this happinefs was of fliort 
 
 * duration, for at that time I received a let- 
 
 * ter from the Abbefs Therefa, demanding 
 ' back the fugitive, whofe retreat fhe had dif- 
 * covered. This requifhion I knew I muft 
 
 * obey; and giving the letter to Albert, I was 
 
 * going to explain the neccffity of my conr- 
 
 * pliance, when he burft out in bitter exe- 
 ' crations againft this and all religious houfesi 
 
 * curfmg their eftablifhment as a violation of 
 
 4 the
 
 a8* V A R I E T Y. No. 32. 
 
 ' the firft law of nature, which commands 
 ' an intercourfe betwixt the fexes. 
 
 * HAVING heard, with a mixture of pa- 
 ' tience, pity, and refentment, all that his 
 
 * rage or difappointment could fuggeft, I an- 
 ' fwered nearly in thefe words, beginning 
 ' calmly, but by degrees afluming all the 
 ' authority the cafe required : *' My fon, 
 '* blame not the pious inftitutions of our holy 
 
 * church, fandtified by the obfervance of 
 " many ages; nor impioufly arraign the myf- 
 * terious decrees of Providence, which often 
 ** produces good from evil. This facred 
 " Edifice has been confecrated, like many 
 u others, by our pious anceftors, for pur- 
 " pofes honourable to Heaven, and ufeful 
 *' to mankind ; thefe hofpnable doors are ever 
 open to diftrefs -, and the chief objeft of our 
 ** care is, to difcover and relieve it. This 
 '* holy manfion has long been an afylum 
 " againft the oppreffion of human laws, 
 " which drove thee from thine home; and, 
 " but a few days fince, tbou thyfelf blefled 
 '* an inftitution which faved the wretched 
 " Matilda, perifhing with madnefs. Nay, 
 *' at this very moment, its mercy (hellers 
 " from the hands of juftice, a murderer ! yet 
 ' thy prefumption dares deny its general 
 
 " ufe,
 
 No. 32." VARIETY 283 
 
 " ufe, from thine own fenfe of partial in- 
 " convenience, and execrate monafticinftitu- 
 14 tions, becaufe by a feparation of the fexes, 
 " lewdnefs and frnfuality are checked : but 
 " know, fliort-fighted youth, that the world 
 " will not remain unpeopled, becaufe a few 
 " of its members confecrate their lives to 
 " h:h meditation ; nor (hall the human fpe- 
 " cies become extinct, becaufe Albert and 
 " Matilda cannot be united, to propagate a 
 " race of infidels and murderers." ' I ftop- 
 " ped, for I perceived the gentle Albert was 
 ' touched with my rebuke j and falling on his 
 4 knees, he cried in the emphatic words of 
 * Scripture, " Father ! I have finned againft 
 c * Heaven, and in thy fight." " It is enough, 
 *' my fon, (I replied), and now I will com- 
 *' paflionate your fituation ; I will do more, 
 * l for tho' I cannot detain Matilda longer than 
 " till fhe is well enough to be removed j yet 
 u in that time (if Heaven approve my endea- 
 14 vours) I may contribute to your happinefs, 
 " by interceding with her father, and (hould 
 " I fail in the attempt, this roof, which thy 
 " hafty paffion has profaned, {hall yet be a 
 " refuge to thee from defpair; and I will 
 * 4 ilrive to raife thy thoughts above the 
 
 * trifling
 
 i9 V A R I E T Y. No. 32. 
 
 *' trifling difappointments of a tranfitory 
 " world." 
 
 *! COOLD not wait the reply of Albert, 
 ' (faid the Prior) being at this time called 
 1 out to welcome the arrival of a ftranger, 
 
 * who they faid was dangcroufly ill j this 
 ' proved to be no other than the wounded 
 ' Conrad, He, in few words, explained the 
 ' motive of his vifit, telling me, that imme- 
 1 diately after the rencounter, dreading that 
 ' awful pre fence in which no fecret is concealed, 
 ' and to which he apprehended he was fum- 
 ' moned by his own fword in the injured 
 
 * hand of Albert, he had vowed (if Heaven 
 would grant him life) to repair the wrongs 
 ' he had committed. He had already exe- 
 
 * cuted a deed, refigning all the fortune of 
 
 * her father in favour of Matilda j he had de- 
 
 * clared his guilty commerce with Ihercfa, 
 
 * that (he might repent, or fuffer punifti- 
 4 ment ; he had paid all the debts of Albert, 
 ** and juftified his character to the world; 
 
 * and, finally, he had refolved to implore 
 ' the prayers of myfelf, and the venerable fa- 
 ' thers of this houfc, to make him worthy of 
 
 * becoming one of our holy order ; that if he 
 ' lived, he might be ufeful ; or if he died, he 
 
 * might be happy.' 
 
 THK
 
 No. 3 2. V A R I E T Y. 285 
 
 THE Prior then concluded this interefting 
 narrative, by fey ing, that Albert and Matilda 
 were united, and are fiill blefied in each 
 other's virtues, improved i>y difficulties thus 
 furmounted ; that Tberefa had too far pro- 
 faned the laws of Heaven to have any confi- 
 dence in religion, and died by her own 
 hands ; but that Conrad recovered flowly from 
 his wound, and, after living many years an 
 honour to the order he profefled, he died in 
 peace: the faithful dog (he faid) was the 
 favourite companion of Albert and Matilda, 
 who had begged him from the convent, and 
 encouraged him to purfue his tafk of difco- 
 vering travellers who had loft their way, but 
 whom he now brought to the hofpitable man- 
 fion of this virtuous pair. 
 
 HE then briefly hinted arguments in favour 
 of monaftic inftitutions ; yet liberally allow- 
 ing that the religion of his country might in 
 certain points be wrong, and knowing me to 
 be a Proteftant, I fuppofe he acknowledged 
 more than I ought in juftice to his candour 
 to relate. For this reafon I have purpofely 
 fupprefTed the name and fituation of his 
 convent ; but I (hall ever remember thefe 
 words, with which he finifhed this difcourfe: 
 * TRUE RELIGION (faid he) howfoever it 
 
 " may
 
 286 VARIETY. No. 32. 
 
 " may vary in outward ceremonies, or ar- 
 " tides of faith, will always teach you to do 
 " good, to love and help each other j it will 
 " teach you, that no fin, however fecret, 
 " can long remain concealed j and that when 
 " the world and all its vanities have palled 
 " the fated appetite, you muft feek refuge in 
 " confcious innocence, or a fincere repent- 
 " ance. Then, no matter whether you chufe 
 " a convent for retirement, or commune with 
 " your own heart upon your bed, and bejlill." 
 
 N U M-
 
 No. 33. VARIETY. 287 
 
 NUMBER XXXIII. 
 
 TH E preceding Tale of the FRIAR AND 
 HIS DOG was firft communicated to a 
 Brotherhood who call themfelves the 
 
 College of <mnite& ffnattf: 
 
 Or, SOCIETY for the PARTICIPATION of 
 
 USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. 
 
 THIS eftablifhment, which has been infti- 
 tuteo! only a few years in a large manufactur- 
 ing city*, is founded on the moft liberal 
 principles. No confederations of rank or 
 
 fortune 
 
 NORWICH.
 
 288 VARIETY. No. 33. 
 
 fortune have any weight in the choice of 
 its members ; but a certain degree of profi- 
 ciency, either in literature, in the arts, or in 
 fome fpecies of elegant or ufeful knowledge, 
 is a neceffary qualification in every candidate 
 foradmiffion into the Society; in which (as 
 in moft others) there are certain forms and 
 regulations known only to the Brotherhood, 
 but among; fuch as are more publicly divulged 
 are the following, viz. 
 
 THAT their periodical meetings (called 
 Chapters) are held in a room fitted up and 
 furnifhed with great fimplicity and elegance, 
 like the refectory of a convent; where all 
 the members, who are called Friars, or BRO- 
 THERS, are dreffed in the habit of fome 
 monaftic order. If Curiofity fhould afk, 
 " Why the Friars are cloathed like Monks ?" 
 it may be anfwered, " For the fame reafon 
 ** that Free Mafons wear white leather 
 " aprons." 
 
 SOME, who do not remember the old adage 
 of *' Cucullus nonfacit Monacbum" will annex 
 ideas of religion to the habit of a friar : but 
 thefe muft have been very fuperficial ob- 
 fervers of mankind, or they would fometimes 
 have difcovered under the frock and tonfure 
 as great liberality of fentiment, as under a 
 
 laced
 
 No. 33. VARIETY. 289 
 
 laced coat or a tye-wig. The 6n1y Article 
 of Faith infifted upon by this Proteftant Col- 
 lege is, to believe, " that there may be vir- 
 " tuous and able men of every Re4igion, and 
 " of every Party :" further than this, the 
 rules of the Society abfolutely forbid alt. diT- 
 courfe refpe&ing Religion or Politics. 
 
 WITH the robes of each order are fuppofed 
 to be put on Meekmfs, Honour, Benevolence, 
 Brotherly Love, and Charity, in its univerfal 
 fenfe. To each garment (though peculiarly 
 diftinguifhed) belongs the fingular virtue of 
 conferring Equality, and doing away all dif- 
 tin&ion betwixt the moft opulent citizen and 
 the moft indigent mechanic, whofe [kill, 
 genius or abilities, may have entitled him to 
 a feat in the 
 
 College of dilute* friar*. 
 
 IT is by the confent of this Society that 
 the preceding Tale is now printed, as it was 
 originally delivered by a non-rejideni member; 
 to a fall Chapter. The uncommon appear- 
 'ance of the fcene, and habits of the auditors, 
 added greatly to the pathetic and folemn effect 
 of the narrative, which, on that occafion, 
 was made to conclude with thefe words: 
 
 O " THE
 
 290 VARIETY. No. 33. 
 
 ( THE venerable Father, after enumerat- 
 
 * ing the ufual arguments in favour of mo- 
 
 * naftic inftitutions, paufed a while; then, 
 
 * with more than common energy, he de- 
 ' clared, " Methinks my prophetic eye forefeet 
 " a period not far dijlant, when, In jour native 
 " i/Iand, generous BRIT OKI I a College of FRIARS 
 "Jhall be ejlablijhed, in which the advantages of 
 " conventual meetings Jhall be preferred, dive ft ed 
 " of 'their inconveniencies. And -while the BRO- 
 ct THERS of this new Order revere the memory 
 *' of thofe departed Monks, who, ly total fe- 
 <{ clufton from the %uorld, preferved Literature 
 < in the mojl barbarous ages ; they Jball in that 
 " enlightened period, mix with the world, and 
 " only meet in their College occafionally, for the 
 " increafe and PARTICIPATION OF USEFUL 
 
 KNOWLEDGE." 
 
 THIS conclufion, which fo immediatel/ 
 appropriated the Tale to the Society, was 
 received with unbounded applaufe by all 
 prefent : and one Brother, whoftr eye had 
 gliftened with fatisfaction during many parts 
 of the narrative, delivered to the relater the 
 following elegant compliment, written with- 
 out hefitation in the moment of fenfibility 
 and approbation ; which, as an extempore, is 
 truly beautiful : 
 
 " WHEN
 
 ' 
 
 0.33- V A R I E T Y. 291 
 
 WHEN FANCY tells her tender tale, 
 ' And PASSION fvvells her gentle gale, 
 41 Warm beats the ftrong impaffion'd heart, 
 *' And pours a tear, that knows no art. 
 
 'TWAS done! Fair FANCY told her tale, 
 " Our bofoms fwell'd with PASSION'S gale;. 
 " TRUTH touch'd the ftrong impaffion'd heart, 
 ' And PITY blefs'd one FRIAR's art.'* 
 
 THE author of this delicate compliment 
 has promifed to contribute fome EfTaysj 
 which encourages the Editor of this little 
 . volume to look forward to a continuation of 
 ' his labours at fome future period : but it is 
 an a& of juftice to the Society here intro- 
 duced to the Public, to declare, that no other 
 member of it, except the relater of the Friar's 
 Tale, has in any degree contributed to this 
 book, nor was the idea of fuch a publication 
 known to them j but, fliould they think 
 proper to lend their affiftance, jointly or in- 
 dividually, what may not be expe&ed from 
 VARIETY in a fecond volume! 
 
 THE hopes from a combination of literary 
 talents have too often been difappointed, and 
 promifes of great fupport have frequently 
 O 2 ended
 
 2 9 2 VARIETY. No. 33. 
 
 ended in very trifling aflxftance : but it has 
 feldorn happened* that fo elegant an excufe 
 - n made for non-performance, as in 
 the following .lines. They are part of a 
 letter from a gentleman at Cambridge, in 
 anfwer (by return of poft) to ore inclofing 
 
 the Hijlcry ofTafempou and Serinda. 
 
 " 
 
 " How could you imagine that an inha- 
 bitant of Cambridge could have any thing 
 to do with VARIETY? 
 
 " THE willowy CAM no various fcenery 
 
 knows: 
 
 " Thro' level fields the lazy river flows ; 
 " No moantain dares invade his dull domairr, 
 " Or bind his waters with a rocky chain; 
 " Ages on ages have beheld him creep ' 
 " In flupid fifence to the diftant deep. 
 Is this the ftream whole favour'd banks 
 
 along 
 
 3 " The'raptur'd Poet chaunts immortal fong ? 
 -" Ah! rather, on the fleep-inducing ftreara 
 " Fropt on a bunch of fcdge fhall DULLNESS 
 
 dream ! 
 
 *' Or- waking hammer out one leaden line, 
 " AnJ dfi-ni herfelf inipir'd, and call the verfe 
 
 " Bur
 
 No. 33. VARIETY. 293 
 
 * BUT thee, my friend, what different fcenes 
 
 invite, 
 
 < Whom fweet VARIETY mall ftill delight! 
 When gentle MAY arrives, as foon fhe muft, 
 " And Hart:-(t}\y fpacious)-y?r?# is fill'd with 
 
 dud; 
 
 " I fee my friend by Contemplation led, 
 * Where DRIBBLE gurgles o'er his gravelly 
 
 bed, 
 " Beneath fome fhadowing beech behold him. 
 
 ftand, 
 
 " No pliant angle trembling in his hand; 
 " Superior views his aftive mind employ ;. 
 " Creative Fancy gives a higher joy. 
 " No tench, 'tis true, nor perch by him is 
 
 caught, 
 
 *' But many a comic, many a moral thought, 
 " That fweet relief to forrow can impart, 
 " Correct the temper, or amend the heart* 
 
 " HAD I the pencil that thy LAMA's drew, 
 " The arduous t^flc with pleasure I'd purfue; 
 ** VARIETY might then unfold her charms, 
 " And fweetly fmiling take me to her arms 1 .. 
 4 But I," &c. &c. &c. 
 
 THE Editor having partly made a difcoveryr 
 
 of one contributor to this colleclion, wouldr 
 
 be irlad 10 fatisfy the curiofity which, every 
 
 O 3 reader
 
 294 V A R I E T Y. No. 33. 
 
 reader feels, of becoming acquainted wilh the 
 fcveral authors of the other Efiays ; but this at 
 prefent is not permitted. He may, however,, 
 mention the occafion on which the Tale in 
 Nrs. 15 and 16 was written. It had been 
 afiertcd, that no narrative could be rendered 
 interefting, which was founded on love at Jiijl 
 fight. This afiertion the author controverted, 
 and fupported his opinion by producing a 
 Talc founded on a paffion between two lovers 
 who had ntver feen each other. How far lie 
 has fucceeded the Public are now to decide ; 
 but fome allowance fhould be made for the 
 niv'Jty and difficulty of the attempt. 
 
 THE fame allowance may alfo be claimed 
 tor the Eflay figned PHILOPUN, at whole 
 rt'qucft the fecond motto is infcrted from 
 HORACE. 
 
 " Null! us addi3s jxrarc in 1'crba msigijlri" 
 " Not bound to fwear by any teacher's rules." 
 
 THERE are alfo a few Eflays on more 
 feiious fubje&s, which may be thought to 
 require an apology, as in fome degree de- 
 parting from the declaration by which thofe 
 
 topics
 
 No. 33. VARIETY. 295 
 
 topics were pronounced to be inadmiffible in 
 tnis collection. 
 
 GENERAL Politics and univerfal Religion 
 were never intended to be excluded from 
 thefe moral Effays ; for it fhould be remem- 
 bered, that thole who endeavour to feparate 
 Religion and Morality, are alike enemies to 
 the true interefts of fociety, whether they 
 recommend one or the other fagly : and it is 
 the duty of the periodical Eflayift to notice 
 the mod prevalent abfurdities of the times in 
 which he lives. 
 
 IT feems to be the fafhion or folly of the 
 prefent age, to know no medium in matters 
 of Religion ; and (he is equally in danger of 
 being deftroyed by her friends and enemies: 
 for, while the philofophic Infidel denies 
 her influence -in the affairs of life, the 
 enthufiaftic Believer perceives her operation 
 in the moft trifling concerns of his own. ^ 
 Degrading the DIVINE PROVIDENCE, by 
 notions of partiality for certain opinions, 
 and confining the benevolence of Heave.n to 
 <a very few individuals, who are as mad as 
 himfelf. Nothing can more aptly or forcibly 
 defer ibe the fentiments of thefe narrow- 
 roindtd bigots, both with refpeft to Gop 
 
 and
 
 296 VARIETY. No. 33. 
 
 and man, than the following lines, which 
 are quoted from memory, without recollect- 
 ing from whence they are taken; thefe en- 
 thufiatts reprefent the DEITY as 
 
 '* A Being cruel and fevere, 
 
 And Man a wretch by his command feat 
 
 here, 
 
 In funfhine for a while to take a turn, 
 Only to dry, and make him fit to burn.'* 1 
 
 Such unjuft, unmerciful, and impious fenii- 
 ments cannot be too ftrenuoufly oppofcd, for 
 they are diredtly contrary to the fpirit of that 
 religion which ihould bring " peace on earth, 
 " and good-will towards men." 
 
 ANY endeavours, therefore, to infpire more 
 liberal notions of Chriftianity, can give no 
 offence but to thofe miftaken zealots, which 
 will allow of no variety in the opinions of 
 mankind; and who, from their little know- 
 ledge of what muft neceflarily be the cafe in 
 this work), fcem to have pafled all their lives 
 in the planet which LUNATICUS defcribes : 
 for, whatever may be the fate of this little 
 volume, or its feveral authors^ the world 
 
 itfeif
 
 No. 33. V A R I E T Y. 297 
 
 itfelf will finifh, before either in opinions, 
 in characters, in fafiiions, in literature, in 
 politics, or evtn in religion hfelf, there can 
 ever be an 
 
 END OP VARIETY.
 
 
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