THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES "Plain or Ringlets?" ( MY DEAR SOX «Tl)ia Uolume 13 INSCRIBED. WITH Ills I'ATIIKr's liZST LOVB. CONTENTS. . — ROSEBERRY ROCKS. — OUR HEROINE. — MRS. THOMAS TRATTLE8 — THE LAD WE LEFT BEHIND. — WITCH WOOD PRIORY. II. — OUR PIC-NIC DAY III. — THE GirSY'S PROPHECY. — ADMIRATION JACK . IV. — THE PIC-NIC. — THE DANCE ..... V.— MRS. BOLSTERWORTH'S Sl'OON . ..... VI. — MR. BUNTING IN BED ...... VII. — MRS. MODEKMOTT VIII. — ROSEBERRY ROCKS REGATTA . IX. — PIC-NIC NO. II. ....... . X. — THE HAUNCH OF VENISON XI. —THE ANONYMOUS LETTER XII — JOHNNY O'DICEY XIII.— THE TURF XIV. — CHOOSING STEWARDS. ...... XV. — MR. JASPER GOLDSPINK XVI. — ROSEBERRY ROCKS RACE COURSE. — JACK AND JASPER. — THEY LOVE AND DRIVE AWAY ...... XVII. — THE RAi I'.S . XVIII. — THE ORDINARY ........ XIX. — A BATCH OF GOOD FELLOWS. — MR. o'dICFY's I INNER XX. — A QUIET INNOCENT EVENING ...... XXI. — THE SUITORS ......... XXII. — THE TENDER PROP PARRIED. — THE DEPARTURE. — HIE ROSE HFRRY ROCKS STATION ....... 1 9 12 19 25 30 32 34 41 48 51 54 57 C2 66 70 92 9 8 107 CONTENTS. OHAr. XXIII. XXV.- XXVI.- XXVII.- XXVIII.- XXIX.- XXX.- XXXI. - XXXII.- XXXIII.- XXXIV.- XXXV.- XXXVI.- XXXVII.- XXXVIII.- XXXIX.- XL. - XLI.- XLII.- XLIII.- XL1V. - XI. V.- XI, VI. XLVII. JI.VI1 I. XI.IX.- I..- LI.- LII. -LONDON IN AUTUMN. — Miss ROSA AT MAYFIELD . -SIVIN AND FOUR'S EI.IVIN. — MR. CUCUMBER.— THE DUKE OF TERGIVERSATION ...... -THE INTERVIEW. — MR. DOCKET -MR. JOCK HAGGISH AND THE HOUNDS -THE FIRS - * - MONDAY IN NOVEMBER .... -TALLY HO ! -MISS ROSA'S RETURN. — SIV1N AND FOUR AGAIN . -MR. TOM TAILINGS -Mil, CRACKNEL CAULDFIELD ...... -MR. O'DICEY AGAIN . -PRINCE PIROUETTEZA -OLD AND NEW SQUIRES ...... -SHOOTING AND SLAUGHTERING. — MR. BAGWELL Til KEEPER .... -THE RENDEZVOUS. — THE PRESENTATIONS -THE BATTUE. — THE PROVINCIALS . -CAPTAIN CAVENDISH CHICIIESTEIt's HOUSES . -AN EQUITABLE ARRANGEMENT. — JOHN CROP -THE GOLC'ONDA STATION OF THE GREAT GAMMON AN SPINACH RAILWAY -BURTON ST. LEGER -THE LOUD CORNWALI.18 INN ...... -MR. BUNTING ARRIVES AT BURTON ST. LEGER . -MR. JOVEY JESSOP AND HIS JUG ..... -A SHOCKING HAD SADDLE. — A SHOCKING BAD HAT -A SHOCKING HAD HORSE .... . -THE SURPRISE . -THE EXQUISITE -PRIVETT GROVE ........ -HASSOCKS HEATH HILL ....... -THE UNION HUNT , , . , -BRUSHWOOD BANK ...,,,,. CONTENTS. vii CHAP. »AOB I.III. — THIS JUG AND HIS LUNCHEON, OR MR. AND MRS. BOWDI- ROUKINS's DINNER PARTY . . . . . . . 281 LIV. — APP1.ETON HALL 294 LV. — APPLETON HALL HOSPITALITY 301 LVI. — THE BACHELOR BREAKFAST AND BILLY ROUGH'UN . . 805 LVII. — MR. JONATHAN JOBI.INO's HARRIERS 309 LVIII. — PRIVETT GROVE AGAIN 315 LIX. — THE NEW BONNET 319 LX. — THE RIDE HOME 322 LXI. — BRANFORTH BRIDGK 326 LXII. — A DAY FOR THE JUVENILES ...... 330 LXIII. — MR. ARCHEY ELI.ENGER's DINNER ....... 840 I.XIV. — THE TENDER PROP REPEATED . , 346 LXV. — MAMMA INSTEAD OF MISS 350 LXVI. — THE GRAND INQUISITION 354 LXV 1 1. THE DUKE OF TERGIVERSATION'S VISITING LIST . . . 360 LXVIII. — CARDS FOR A BALL 364 LXIX. — THE DUCAL DIFFICULTIES. — THE GENERAL DIFFICULTIES . 368 LXX. — THE DUCHESS OF TERGIVERSATION'S BALL . . . . 373 LXXI.— MR. BALLIVANT AGAIN.— MR. BALLIVANT ON RACINO . 382 LXXII.— WHO-HOOP ' 390 LXXUI. — WHO-HOOP AGAIN ! , . . . . . . . , J9? LIST OF VIGNETTES. gj.au Our Heroine ... ........ 1 A sea nymph .......••••• 9 Mamma looked approvingly on .....»••" Mrs. Motley is deserted .......... 23 In tlie pea-green balcony ......... 30 Gardener Cupid ........ i •• 32 Mr. Hunting's ardent admiration ........ 39 A poser for Mamma . . . . . . . . . 51 Mr. Tim Boldero introduces himself .... 65 An initial dilliculty ........... 70 A party of cigar-smoking Israelites ....... 77 The young Cheapside chieftain .... .... 79 Mr. O'Dicey returns thanks for the army ...,., 91 A rueful pigeon ........... 98 Cupids in doubt .... ...... 110 Old Sivin and Four 123 Cordial reception of Mr. Goldspink . . .... 131 Jock and his horse . . . . . . . . . 138 The Duke prepares to show himself . . .... 145 Black-faced Rummager . . . . . . , . . . 148 " I'm so glad you've got back " . ..... 155 A sporting chum ........... 159 Flying a kite .......... . 171 x LIST OF VIGNETTES. PAOl Delightful dancing ........... 172 In the Duke's preserves . . . . . . . .135 The bearded Prince 190 Captain Cavendish Chichester's groom . ...... 205 Mr. Bunting at the Great Golconda Station . . . . . . 217 On the free list 225 Riding a burster ........... 228 "Confound the animal." growled Mr. Bunting ..... 243 Nursing a sick horse .......... 253 Miss Rosa 262 Mr. Thomas Boyston .,,„....-. 281 "Now I'll have a little" 289 "I'll have it out," said he ... 325 B. ready =326 " Well done, young 'uu 1 " « 335 Popping the question .......... 347 In the ball room ........... 368 A tremendous swell ...,...,., 377 Jasper engaged in his farourite gams ....... 387 The finish .880 EXTRA ILLUSTRATIONS. The most Magnificent of Riding-Masters . . . To face p. 10 Mr. Hunting's Pocket Sipiionia „ 44 MllS. AND THE MlSSF.S JEWISON ...... ,, 10^ Lohd Marciihaue presents the Brush .... „ 152 The Prince was "proud to make his acquaintance" . ,, 194 John Crop's Ovation „ 216 The Jug, who was borne impetuously along. . . ,, 312 "Just jot down what you think we should do" , , 856 STEEL ENGRAVINGS. THE GIl'sY 8 PUOPIIKUY . Mil. BUNTING ON Ills WAY TO I Hi: i'lC-NIG . THE TWO STRINGS ...... KOSA AT MAYl-TEI.li ..... ROSA AN* I) Tl IK KARL ...... THE MKRK MATIER OK I'OItM .... THE FOREIGN PRINCE HIS TI N<;i' ISHE< HIMSELF . MR. BUNTINO'8 SHOCKING l!AH HOUSE WHO WOULD HAVE THOl'GUT OK .SEEING Vol'! . APPLETON HAI.I THE JUG AND HIS JUVENILE FIELD MR. lU'NITXG REJECTED ..... 12 40 74 120 l')0 ltitj 103 2")0 ■2o t iJuO :;:;0 (t PLAIN OR RINGLETS? CHAPTER I. ROSEBERRY ROCKS.— OUR HEROINE. — MRS. THOMAS TRATTLES. — '■'HE LAI) WE LEFT BEHIND. — WITCHWOOD PRIORY. T was the Comet year — a glorious summer hastened the seasons and forced the country into early maturity. The hay was " oop " before Giles Joker generally gets it " doon ; " the corn trod fast on the heels of the hay, and harvest - bitten M.P.'s magnified the aromaof the bouquet de mille sewers of the Thames, in order to get away to their turnips, their tares, and under shade of their umbrageous trees. All people rushed out of town that could get. The West End tradesmen alone looked blank, though many of them took wing also, and followed the broken coveys of company to their basking places in the provinces, there to respread the labyrinths of their allurements, revolve their white hands, show their white teeth, and simper blandly. "What's the next article mem ? " orn heroine. 2 PLAIN OB BINGLETSI A real continental summer having visited England, people showed their appreciation of the boon by making the most of the luxury. It was out-of-door life for every one — Turkey carpets, red curtains, fur cloaks, thick boots, umbrellas, no longer com- manded respect, but were superseded by the lightest, airiest muslins, gossamers, and slippers. Goals, save for cooking purposes, might have been slates altogether, for anything that anybody cared. To seal a letter became an act of fortitude. Splashing and dabbling in the sea was the only way of keeping cool. All the watering-places swarmed to repletion. Thanks to George Stephenson, George Hudson, and the many other Georges, who invested their talents and valuable money in the invaluable undertakings, railways have brought wealth and salubrity to every one's door. It is no longer the class distribution that used to exist, this place for that set, that for another ; but a sort of grand quadrille of gaiety in which people change places continually, and whirl about until they finally settle down, thoroughly satisfied with some particular selection. They then take the pet place under their wings, talk it up and run other places down, finding out beauties that none can see but themselves. Large and looming as London is, and undeniably adapted for what we may call the great wholesale commerce and intercourse of life, it is, nevertheless, to these minor branch establishments that we are mainly indebted for lasting friendships and plain gold ring connections that have so much to do with the comforts and happiness of mankind. To put it in a sporting way, London is a capital cover to find the game in ; but the country is the place to run it down. London has too many attractions, too much bustle and excitement, for quiet business-like intercourse ; but down in the country, or at one of these sauntering, simpering watering- places — where people meet at every turn — they must come to, sooner or later, or run away for fear of being caught. And here let us record our decided conviction, that of all watering-places under the sun, Roseberry Eocks undoubtedly bears the belle. She combines within her four parallel lines the breezy atmosphere of Salisbury Plain or Newmarket Heath, the varied trinkety, tinselly attractions of Regent Street, the equestrian liveliness of Rotton Row, with a broad expanse of nobly swelling sea. Other places may boast their specialties ; Scarborough her pay bridge and newly-built Dovecote, Hastings her castle, St. Leonard's her silence, Weymouth her sands, Dover her castle, Margate her merriment, and' Broadstairs her lugubrious solemnity ; but the individual attractions of each particular place will be found concentrated at the Rocks, together with the freedom ol London and the independence of the country. No sign of trade is visible, no stranded vessel delivering her cargo, no nauseous fish-curer polluting the shore, no noisy boat-builder hammering at PLAIN OR RINGLETS f 3 his craft — the whole place has a never-ending holiday air, and everything seems to come ready made from afar. From end to end she is a continuous line of palaces and mansions and beauti- fully designed buildings. Her population moves gaily and jauntily along, the ladies are all beautiful and elegantly attired, and the men look as if £ s. d. were for once banished from their thoughts — a combination of circumstances extremely favourable to authorship. Well, this famous Comet year brought to Koseberry Kocks, along with many thousand other visitors who have not been fortunate enough to secure the services of an historian, the young and lovely Miss McDermott, on what the lawyers would call a sort of general issue expedition, ere she took the irrevocable two pound twelve and sixpence worth along with young Jasper Goldspink, the banker's son of the pretty agricultural town of Mayfield in C shire, with whom she had grown up in a sort of neighbourly intimacy that would most likely have ended in a common matter- of-course match but for the incidents disclosed in the ensuing chapters. Mrs. McDermott, who of course was exceedingly dis- interested and unworldly — at the same time not altogether opposed to either rank or wealth — thought she would only be doing Rosa justice by letting her see a little of the world ; accordingly, under pretence of getting their pretty mansion of Privett Grove painted, she availed herself of the emancipating influence of railways, and arrived with their first-class clothes in a first-class train at this our first-class watering-place, instead of going to the little fishing town of Herringshoal Sands hard by. Rosa was then just in the full bloom of womanhood, of medium height, plump and fair, with a calm, somewhat pensive, "Eugenie" expression of countenance that grew upon the beholder. If her perhaps rather prematurely developed form suggested a year or two more to her age than she really deserved, it was amply com- pensated for by the juvenile looks of Mamma, who, like most fair ladies, had worn wonderfully well. There is nothing so appalling as a great fat mother-in-law. One of the great drawbacks of locomotion — especially where un- protected females are concerned — undoubtedly is the fleecing the travellers undergo at the hands of the hotelkeepers ere they get settled down in a house, and the general evil was aggravated in this particular case by our fair friends — strangers to the place — alighting at Chousey's Hotel, so famous for charges, though " off particular times," be it remembered, as the advertisements say, as reasonable as any of its class. Unfortunately for its inmates, however, those particular times can never be hit upon, for Chousey seems to make out his bills by the almanac, and it must be an uncommonly queer day to which some particular incident does not attach. Chousey, however, carries things off with such a high H 2 4 PLAIN OR RINGLETS? hand, such an elegant air, that it is almost a pleasure to be imposed upon by him. Having been a nobleman's valet, lie is always obliging enough to assume the possession of titles by his guests, and whenever he condescends to leave his guitar in his wife's boudoir to attend a summons to justify charges, he throws himself into attitude, exhibiting a perfect blaze of jewelry, and, running his beringed hand through his well-waxed ringlets, lisps out with the most perfect composure, " True, my lord," or " True, my lady," as the case may be ; " these charges do 'pear rayther high at first glance, but p'raps your lordship (or your ladyship) has forgotten that yesterday was the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo, and to-day is the day on which Magna Charta was signed, and of course we are obleged to make a little difference ; ' at other times ' I believe I may say our charges are as reasonable as can be." Our travellers happened to arrive on the anniversary of the day on which the Malakoff was taken, and staying over that of the fall of Sebastopol were charged half-a-crown a head for bread and butter teas, three-and-sixpence for breakfasts, six shillings for mutton chop dinners, lights and apartments in proportion — all very surprising to housekeepers who know the prime cost of the articles. We need not say that our friends did not stay there any longer than they could help. Mr. Chousey advertising, as well the arrival of his victims, as their departure and where they go to, our fair friends had hardly got themselves shook out in their pretty semi-detached villa in Seaview Place, and John Thomas his calves revised and hair powdered after the toils of unpacking, ere the well-known Mrs. Thomas Trattles came, card-case in hand, to pay her respects to the newly-arrived inmates. Mrs. Trattles knew a lady who knew a gentleman who knew another lady who knew a cousin of the late lamented Mr. McDermott, and upon the strength of their far- fetched introduction, she had called to see if she could be of any use to Mrs. McDermott, help her to a cook — tell her of a grocer, a blanchisseuse, a bather-woman, a butcher, a flyman — anything that was wanted. Mrs. Trattles lived a good deal upon commission, and was always ready in the mediating way, to arrange introductions, adjust differences, recommend houses, engage musicians, or attend dinner-parties on the shortest notice. She knew everything and everybody, and was considered a great authority in the matter of money. She acquired this reputation, and maintained her ascendancy, by always descending to minutiae — telling the odd hundreds, instead of dealing in thousands, as most people do. Thus young Wheeler would have four thousand three hundred and twenty pounds a-year, instead of the five thousand that Mrs. Bolsterworth, the opposition matrimonial appraiser, boldly assigned to him ; while Mrs. Trattles knew that Captain Caret's great PLAIN OB RINGLETS t 6 expectations from an uncle were much overrated, the estate of Mcadowbank upon which they chiefly dwelt, being close to a particular friend of hers, and barely worth fifteen hundred a-year, out of which there was a payment of eighty-two pounds a-year for keeping up a school, all very imposing information on account of its perspicuity. To say that Mrs. Trattles knew nothing about either case, would not be far from the mark. That, however, is neither here nor there ; people like to believe what they wish, and it answered Mrs. Trattles' purpose to accommodate them. For fanning a flirtation she was truly invaluable, and was frequently retained on both sides. She was now busily engaged in endeavouring to clench a somewhat procrastinated courtship between Captain Languisher of the Cooington Hussars, and pretty Sarah Snowball, whose face unfortunately was her fortune ; as also in trying to induce Mr. de Breezey to reciprocate Miss Nettleworth's devotion, without any apparent progress in either case. Rides and drives, and boats and balls, had all been tried unsuccessfully, and now the fine weather had prompted an excursion to the beautiful ruins of Witchwood Priory. The thing was about ripe when Mrs. Trattles found our fair friends' names in the list of arrivals, and learning from Mrs. Chousey, with whom she was on easy tea-drinking terms, that they were highly genteel people, and Miss very pretty, she determined to avail herself of the unlimited capability of a Pic- Nic, to enlist them in the service. Having now satisfied herself that they would do, she gradually unfolded her budget of gaiety and amusements, coming at length to the Pic-Nic, and dwelling on the enchanting nature of the scenery around Witchwood Priory, with incidental mention of the great people who would be there. Sir Stephen Sappey, the member for Bluffsh ire's eldest son, with eighteen thousand a-year landed property ; Mr. Boling- broke Benson, with a Peerage in expectancy ; Mr. John and Mr. William Worthington, both very nice young men ; Mr. Stanley Smith, Mr. Martin Hogg, and many other great catches. Mrs. McDermott heard all Mrs. Trattles had to say with well- feigned indifference. She was extremely obliged — very much so indeed — but they were not there for gaiety, merely on a bathing excursion while their house was getting painted, and if they were to go, they wouldn't know anybody, and altogether, she was afraid they must decline ; at the same time, they were extremely obliged to Mrs. Trattles for thinking of them, very much obliged indeed, and so on. Mrs. Trattles, on the other hand, charged with vigorous determination — " Oh, dear, indeed ; but she would take care that they should know everybody, she would introduce them herself." But Mrs. McDermott, not knowing her friend, wisely left the oiler open, promising to let Mrs. Trattles know in the evening if they could come. And Mrs. Trattles having 6 PLAIN OB RINGLETS? presented her card, presently cleared herself out — hoops and all — leaving Mamma and Miss to con the matter over, who shortly after put on their things to go out for a stroll, but in reality, to call at Comfit, the confectioner's, to eat themselves into the information they required. Suffice it to say, that what they heard of Mrs. Trattles was so satisfactory, that they were next seen at that interesting repertory, Madame Bergamotte's bonnet shop, trying on bonnet after bonnet, until all idea of what they intended to have was entirely lost sight of. It ended, however, in two blue boxes and a bill arriving that evening in Seaview Place. Nor was this all ; for next day. Monsieur Julian Millefleurs, the famous Parisian hairdresser, who tires for three and sixpence a trip, was summoned along, who immediately on seeing our fair friend's soft blue eyes beaming between two bunches of light-brown ringlets, denounced those bar-maid looking things, and insisted upon dressing her hair in plain bands, which both Mrs. and Miss afterwards agreed were very becoming. And they wondered what a " certain person " would say if he saw her, said " certain person" being an admirer of ringlets. The wholesome maxim, that " it is well to be off with the old love before we are on with the new," applying to a certain extent to the fair as well as to the ruder fox, we may here say a few words about our hero No. 1, ere we bring No. 2 upon the tapis. Jasper Goldspink, if not a smart youth, had some very excellent attri- butes. He was the son of a rich banker, and it is remarkable, that though people will abuse most other callings, it is a rare thing to hear anyone say a word against a banker, simply, we suppose, because abusing a banker would be symptomatic of having been refused a loan. Jasper therefore was a very great man in the country, and only required the aid of Lady Airy worth, Lady Plumage, or some other great leader of fashion, to make him pass muster in town. It is singular how people worship wealth even though there is no chance of getting any of it them- selves. If Jasper hadn't been rich, or on the highway to riches, such an ordinary every-day looking youth would never have attracted attention at all ; as it was, people winked and nudged each other as he passed, and said, " Oh that will be a rich man " ; or, " Oh, what a sight of money that man will have ! " He walked the streets with a strut and a stare, that as good as said, "I'll be a deal richer than you." Old Goldspink was one of the cautious money-scraping order of bankers, as contra-distinguished to the go-a-head Scotch school, who run a-muck at everything. He thought of nothing but money, revolving a thing over in his mind many times before he did it, always in a doubtful point calling in the aid of figures, beginning with his favourite apophthegm of sivin and four being elivin, and so piling up numbers until he arrived at a satisfactory solution of the mystery. PLAIN OB RINGLETS? ? Thus, for instance, if he saw Mr. Cordy Brown, the butcher, stealing out of town, with his spurs in his hat, concealing, as he thought, his hunting apparel under his olive- coloured Macintosh, he would immediately begin, "sivin and four's elivin, and eighteen, is twenty-nine — there's that Cordy Brown going out hunting again — and eight is thirty-si vin — much better be taking up Willowedge and Co.'s overdue bill, than breaking people's hedges scrambling after Jonathan Jobling's harriers — and fourteen is fifty-one — Jonathan will be coming to grief himself some day, see his name to a great deal of very suspicious paper — and sivin is fifty-eight-:— take care he don't do me " — with which wise resolution he would dive his hands into the depths of his capacious trouser pockets and begin his sivin-and-four calculations upon somebody else. Not that old Goldspink altogether disapproved of hunting, for at the instigation of his ambitious wife, he had brought our hero No. 1, what he called " a pair of hunting horses," to enable him to follow the chase with his noble but sadly over- drawing customer, the Duke of Tergiversation's foxhounds ; but our young friend, after two or three spread-eagleings on his back, became so disgusted with a sharpish switch across the bridge of his nose from the return branch of an ash tree, that he gladly took advantage of a temporary ailment to one of his horse's " back legs," to withdraw from the chase, and at the period of our story, was turning his attention to what he considered the more profitable occupation of the Turf. As we shall presently have him down at Roseberry Rocks Races, we will defer a further descrip- tion of his person until he comes ; it being evident that a man's looks depend very much upon what he puts on, just as a lady is one person in a bonnet, and another in a riding-hat. We will, therefore, now return to the Rocks, and amuse ourselves there as best we can, till Jasper arrives. Witchwood Priory is well adapted for expeditions of a romantic order, being a spacious ivy-grown ruin, whose crypts, and corri- dors, and pillars, have been rescued by the present generation from the vandalism oT the last, and convened from a damp, deserted, nettle-grown rubbish corner, into a picturesque archi- tectural exhibition, situated in the midst of ground-sweeping trees, interspersed with grottos, and labyrinths, and every con- venience for losing oneself. It is a nice easy distance from the Rocks — say, a cabman's five miles, or a Christian's four, over undulating downs, whose sound elastic turf gives spirits to the rider, and sprightliness to the steed. Nor are the creature com- forts of life altogether unknown at the far end, for as soon as " Smiling spring her earliest visit pays," John Baccoman of the " Cat and Compasses " licensed eating- house, in Shell Street, packs up his beverages, while his wife 8 Plain or ringlets t clutches the tea-caddy, and away they go with their portable emigrant's house, which they pitch beneath the beautiful remains of the large gothic window on the east of the ruin, and momentarily dispel the poetry of the place by the exhibition of baskets, and buns, and labels, announcing bitter beer, cigars, and hot water for tea. Still this eye-sore is somewhat redeemed by the presence of a veritable gipsy — one of the real dark-skinned, black-eyed, black- ringletted race, who goes fluttering about in her red shawl, russet gown, and ankle boots, dispensing titles, and honours, and fortunes, to all who will listen to her. And a rare business she had done during this our Comet year ; for if half the titles she had promised were to come true, Sir Bernard Burke might publish a new edition of his Peerage immediately. Though we all profess to laugh at the creatures, it is wonderful how many of us like to have our fortunes told on the sly. Baccoman too had done pretty w r ell in his line, charging a shilling for a glass of ale, ninepence for a cigar, and sixpence for a penny bun ; but then, as John says, summer does last such a werry short time with them, and they maun make hay while the sun shines. And though he predicted that each fine day would be the last, and always pointed out indications of the coming storm, still the sun set with undiminished splendour, and rose with unalloyed brightness ; and still John's Union Jack ascended the staff on the ivy-grown flag-tower, and still the white kicking pony came lilting and tilt- ing over the downs, with a spring-cart load of comestibles ; and still the gipsy's cry, as regarded the visitors, was, "They come ! they come ! I see them galloping ! I see them galloping ! " up to the very day on which our particular party assembled. FLA1S urpcnces. and one pound ones, on in regular succession, carrying the amount of each pageoveron to the next. Biter and Co., of Whitehaven, added each page up separately making what they called a "grand recapitulation" of the whole at the end So when our hero got the plump packet (stamped with a green stamp), and turned with hurried hand mid eager eye to IS PLAIN OR KINGLETS? the bottom of the last page, he perked up considerably on finding 13/. 17s. 2d., figuring as the amount, and chucked the whole thing over on to the side-table for future consideration. But a few days after, having stuck fast in a sonnet he was weaving, to his various lady-loves, he turned for inspiration to something solid ; when haff way down an unnumbered page, he discovered the dread reality, and the bill instead of being 13/. 17s. 2d., was in fact 43/. 13s. Ad., the 13/. 17s. 2d. being only the amount of the last page. So what with a twenty-guinea diamond ring that the young lady had forgotten to return him along with his letters and poetical effusions, together with seven pound odd he had spent in equestrian exercise, in the Howes and dishing line, he had got a long way into a three-figure note. Admiration Jack, however, was a man of good cheer, not easily depressed, on capital terms with himself, and just as ready to enter the lists as if he had never been foiled ; and no sooner saw our fair friend circling among the crowd, than declaring that there were as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it, he resolved to make up to her. And Rosa having recovered from the surprise and trepidation caused by the speedy fulfilment of the prophecy (which making allowance for the exaggeration of a gipsy, was not such a bad one), turned a smiling face and ready ear to our philanderer, as if there was no such person as Jasper Goldspink, "sivin and four," or other friends and relations in the world. So, when the pre- paratory clatter of knives and forks became louder, and the tramp and hurry of footmen more frequent, the two stood chatting and simpering together, suggestive of the " handsomest couple under the sun." Mamma looked approvingly on, Mrs. Trattles congra- tulated herself on the success of her venture, while Mrs. Tartar- man, with her saucy-nosed daughters, stood with well thrown back heads pitying the poor girl who was going to be made a fool of. Presently there was a mysterious movement in the throng, arms suddenly distended either singly or in pairs, a faded green baize curtain was drawn aside, and the company gradually proceeded from the sky canopied drawing-room of the outer ruin, to the canvas-covered refectory adjoining. Great was the gathering of crinoline, and squeezing past corners, and getting round tables, and beggings of pardons, and askings to be unloosed, and thanks for the favours, and wonderings of the ladies how they were ever to get themselves seated on such little narrow benches. Better far to have had a spread on the ground with unlimited circumference for each. However, there they were, and with no more space assigned than when ladies were half their present size. At length all get wedged in somehow or other ; and amidst serious reflec- tions as to how they would look when they came out again, the Rev. Mr. Truelove said a short grace, and the business of dinner began. PLAIN OR RINGLETS t 13 CHAPTER IV. TILE PIC-NIC — THE DANCE. We hold that a pic-nic is not a pic-nic where there are well- arranged tables and powdered footmen to wait. It is merely an uncomfortable out-of-door dinner. A pic-nic should entail a little of the trouble and enterprise of life, gathering sticks, lighting the fire, boiling the pot, buying or stealing the potatoes. It is an excellent training for housekeeping, and affords a favourable oppor- tunity for developing the skill of young ladies, in an art, that as servants go, they all seem likely to have to come to sooner or later, namely, waiting on themselves. Moreover, what one cooks oneself is always much better than what anybody else cooks for one, just as the money that a man makes is always a great deal more prized than what comes jingling in of itself. Our party on this occasion was of the well-supplied order — plenty of everything, and plenty of servants to hand things about. Some brought their butlers, because the butlers chose to come ; some brought their footmen to show their new liveries ; some their pages to keep them out of mischief. And though there were a few of the usual casualties of moving, such as the salt coalescing with the sugar, and the pickles bursting into the pie, the servants had the rectification of matters, and there was no scrambling for plates, no begging for forks, no two people eating with one spoon. All was orderly and orthodox, plenty of provisions with the usual preponderance of hams, tongues, and chickens. None of the ladies having lunched, no, not even had a bun, there was a very sensible difference between their performances on this occasion, and when they come in their gorgeous attire at half-past seven for eight o'clock in the evening, to criticise each other's dresses, and interrupt the hungry men in the middle of their mouthfuls. So they competed very fairly with the ruder sex in their perform- ances. Presently a battue of corks proceeded from the curtained corner where the warm water jug for the knives was concealed from public view, and at the glad sound all sorts of glasses were enlisted, from the satisfactory open bell-shaped ones, down to the little narrow froth-catchers, out of which a man gets a taste of the grateful beverage at the bottom. A second salute, if possible more vehement than the first, then set people quite at their ease, and made the shy young gentlemen turn confidently to their partners, instead of looking sheepish, and wondering who was watching them. Captain Languisher looked sweet on Miss Snowball, and Miss Nettleworth hung 011 Mr. de Breezey's every 20 PLAIN OR RINGLETS f word. Our friend, Mr. Bunting, having soon satisfied the re- quirements of an unripe appetite, proceeded to study the profile of our fair friend, under the favourable auspices of the saucy little hat, so different to the coal-scuttle bonnets of former days, that required a telescope to see to the far end of them. Very fair and beautiful he found her. A high smooth ivory forehead, arched with beautiful light hair, calm pensive blue eyes, with long lashes and regular brows, a straight well-formed nose, with playing dimples hovering round an exquisitely formed mouth, full of regular pearly teeth. The slightest possible flush now suffused her naturally pale lace, and gave brightness and animation to the whole. Mr. Bunting looked and looked, till at length " Beauty's pensive eve Ask'd from his heart the homage of a sigh." And he most handsomely accorded beauty's request. "She's very pretty," quoth he to himself, as he quaffed off the remains of his third glass of champagne, and held it out for another supply, " very pretty indeed ; prettier than Laura Blanc, prettier than Charlotte Hawthorn, and quite as pretty as Lavinia Barnett ; and he felt as if he didn't care for all his crosses and misfortunes, or for the recapitulation of Biter and Co.'s bill. And now seeing Mrs. Harriman's piercing little grey eyes fixed intently upou him from the opposite side of the table, he immediately asked her to take a glass of champagne in the hopes of drowning what he knew she could tell, an example that was speedily followed by some one else, who perhaps had similar qualms of conscience, thus drawing off her attention, and enabling Mr. Bunting to resume his "sotto voce" conversation undisturbed. Amid the interchange of sweets, jellies, and simpers, he pro- ceeded on a sort of Dr. Livingstone-like exploration of our fair friend's forthcomings, belongings, and intended stayings ; a wide and fertile field of research that lasted through all the iced cham- pagne, and saw the company well into the warmer supply. Mamma meanwhile sat complacently by, occasionally helping her daughter out where her information was defective, and wondering what Mrs. Goldspink would say if she could see her smart beau — a gentleman with a splendid castle, and sixteen thousand a-year. '■Pro — o — digious ! " as Dominie Samson would say. No such catches in the country. At length the last lingering plate tapper ceased nibbling, the chopped cheese followed the remains of the more substantial viands, and grace being again said, there was a great inundation of pines, melons, grapes, peaches, all the more costly and luxurious produce, for it was a great fruit year, and though it was dear enough to buy, yet the fruiterers gave little or nothing for it. a shilling a dozen for peaches ; the same for nectarines a shilling a pound for grapes, and so on, PLAIN OR RINGLETS f 21 that it was hardly worth the trouble of packing and sending tc them. So those who had gardens could alford to be generous at very small cost. The table was abundantly supplied ; the pro ducers and the consumers being speedily distinguished by the abstemiousness of the one, and the vigorous enjoyment of the other. The pines were sliced, the melons divided, the pyramids of grapes reduced amidst hearty mirth, and the languid circulation of the long-necked light claret bottles, varied by an occasional wasp hunt, until the " twang, twang, twang," of the fiddle tuners outside reminded them that the jumping enjoyment of the evening had yet to commence. At a look then from Mrs. Campbell de Jenkins at Mrs. Ambrose Brown cannon 'd off upon Mrs. Bolster- worth, the crinoline bearers rose, and with much ingenuity of steerswomanship, and many apologies, succeeded in effecting a retreat. Tue withdrawal of the voluminous ladies made great voids in the hitherto well-crowded table, and the gentlemen had now to commence the process of amalgamation among themselves amid the remnants of fruit and the remains of the wine. But the air was hot and oppressive — the superfluous awning kept the fumes of dinner down, and there seemed to be a general opinion that it would be better to pollute the fresh air outside with cigars than undergo any more of the impure atmosphere within. Accordingly there was soon a general fishing up of hats, a diving for cigars, and a running to Baccoman's by those who had forgotten to bring their cases. Young gentlemen must smoke now-a-days, whether they like it or not. Presently the puffers were seen straggling away in all directions, and, considering that they carried the scent and not the ladies, it was wonderful with what accuracy they found them out, some down in the crypt, some up the ivy-tower, 60ine along at Barndale burn, others listening to the gipsy' under the wide-spreading Hartland oak. The extreme heat of the day was now over, the country people were returning from their work, and Dobbin, and Smiler, and Farmer, and Jessey stood deep in the pond, imbibing the pure stream from its source. Groups of satchel-slung children came loitering along, forgetful of their bows and their drops at the sight of so many line ladies of such unwonted rotundity. Very odd, they thought, their thin shoes and silk stockings looked compared to their own stout worsteds and clogs. The country was now in the full meridian of beauty. The hill-sheltered trees were loaded with leaf, whose rich and varied green contrasted with the golden- headed corn, full ready for the sickle interspersed here and there with the picturesque but rather unpopular poppy. A farmer prefers a good downy thistle to one of these scarlet landscape lighters. One, they say, shows strength, the other poverty. But it is time to return from our rural ramble, and already the 22 PLAIN OR RINGLETS? chaperonts whose charges have not got eligibly mated, are begin- ning to fidget and look about, wondering where Mrs. Thomas Trattles, or Mrs. Brown, or Mrs. Campbell de Jenkins can be, while those whose young ladies are better suited saunter uncon- cernedly along, apparently without, but in reality just within ear- shot, gazing complacently this way or that, admiring the lovely scenery, looking for Tenbury Hills, or trying to make out Spring- well Park, or Staunton spire in the distance. Of all the varied accomplishments of life, there are few more useful than that of being conveniently blind and not hearing everything. It saves many a quarrel and much cash. Our friend Mr. Bunting, who knows the locality well, — indeed it was down the glen, in the violet banks that he managed to slip the twenty guinea diamond ring so adroitly on to the fair, or rather unfair, Miss Wingfield's taper finger, — our friend, we say, manoeuvres Rosa and Mamma by a series of tree-screening walks out of sight as well of the curious as of the more mar-plot ladies, from whom he expected no favour ; and after a most delightful chat — far surpassing in interest anything she had ever had with our friend in the country — Mr. Bunting wheeled round on the east of the Priory and brought them back in the rear of the capacious Miss Foldingleys, who were too busy turning attentive deaf ears to the gipsy to heed who was coming behind them. So the trio sauntered listlessly into the again-forming group, looking about as unconcernedly as if they had never been away. The scene had now changed. After a vigorous onslaught upon the remains of the feast, as well by the Baccomans as the servants, the heat-condensinsr cover had been removed, and the beautiful refectory stood forth in its noble proportions, the rich clustering ivy folding gracefully over the walls, or creeping fantastically up the pillars and about the finely-carved gothic work of the windows. The rough deal table had been removed to one side, and coveys of white cups, clustering about brown hens of tea-pots, denoted that Mrs. Baccoman's privilege of finding hot water was about to com- mence. The composite floor had been cleanly swept and sprinkled with water, and half-a-dozen seedy musicians sat patiently in a corner ready to enliven the scene when required. After successive pop visits by the fair ladies to Mrs. Baccoman's looking-glass, there was a general drawing on of clean white, primrose, or lavender-coloured kid gloves, and then a taking up of positions, with the comfortable confidence of all being right. So at the proper time, the ladies pointed their taper toes and started off gaily with the first quadrille of the evening. Great was the wheeling, and circling, and spreading, and guiding of crinoline, and divers the apologies of the fair obstructionists for stopping each other's ways. But with a little patience and mutual con- cession, each fair lady at length got through her portion of the PLAIN OR RINGLETS? figure. Better have been stoppe.l altogether than not have carried her full complement of crinoline. Wonderful fashion ! We suppose we shall have the other extreme next, and dresses as scant as they are now inflatedly full. At the sound of music the outsiders came trooping in, and then ^V^ toUw r^W^ the formidable corps dps obserrtitions of chaperones and dowagers was formed, each intent on watching the glances and movement* of some particular party. Our friend Mr. Bunting, who felt hi? lacerated heart greatly relieved by the soft embrocation of Miss McDermott's smiles, devoted himself heart and soul to his partner. little thinking how Mrs. Bolstenvorth was watching him through 24 PLAIN OB RINGLETS? her double eye-glasses at a convenient aperture between Mr. Malcolm Midwinter and Miss Spinner, who stood before her. " Just the way he went on with Miss Hawthorn," thought she, rubbing her glasses on the corner of Miss Spinner's light blue scarf; "just the way he went on with Miss Hawthorn ;" and Mrs. Bolsterworth felt how her "duty" would compel her to caution Mrs. McDermott against his insidious advances. Duty is a capital cloak for officiousness. Miss Rosa, who dearly loved dancing, was equally pleased with her partner, and not a little flattered when, at the close of the quadrille, he claimed her for the succeeding valse, and then spun her about in a style very different to the cartwheel evolutions of the young gentlemen she had been accustomed to dance with in the town-hall of May field. Admiration Jack was a capital performer, and there are few things more prizeable in society than a willing, working, good looking, good dancer. They are the parties who keep the balls alive, and shame the listless young gentlemen lolling against doors, looking as if they had smoked all their energies away. And though the sour grapes chaperones might abuse our active friend Mr. Bunting, and say he was nothing but a flirt, or a man- coquette, there wasn't one of them but what would have been well pleased to have seen him wheeling one of their fair charges about. But Mr. Bunting, if a lawyer-unsatisfying suitor, was, nevertheless, a constant swain, and stuck to his newly-acquired flame with marked perseverance, only introducing her to particular friends — generally young gentlemen in love like himself — always having her fo* a vis-a-vis in the quadrilles, and watching her well in the valse9. And the more he looked at her, the more he admired her, and he inwardly resolved to send Mrs. Trattles two dozen of Nectar and Foamer's best sparkling champagne for the introduc- tion. So the gay ball progressed amid occasional coolings and cups of tea, and peeps at the looking-glass ; and the sun having again set with undiminished splendour, the shades of a long delayed sum- mer's evening at length began to draw on, causing the discontented ones to feel chilly and talk about cloaks, and ask about carriages, while the well-suited ones danced, if possible, with greater vigour than before. The seedy musicians seemed inspired with fresh spirit, and worked away at their instruments to the surprise of the bats and the inconvenience of the ivy-nestling sparrows, now kept out of their berths by the noise. At length, at the close of an apparently interminable Violente valse, when the most patient and accommo- dating of the chaperones were hinting the necessity of bringing the delightful day to a close, a cry of " the Comet ! the Comet ! " drew all parties to the door with a rush, and interrupted the pro- gressing arrangements by mixing all parties up in inextricable PLAIN OR RINGLETS t 25 confusion. There was no saying where to find anybody. The cares and watchings and guardings of the day seemed likely to be lost in a moment. As fast as Mrs. Motley rescued Susan Ann from Captain Engleheart, she lost Sarah Jane, while Mrs. Sterne was deserted by her flock altogether. Then there was such star- gazing, such science, such talking of Dr. Donati — the parabolic elements, and the inclination of the planes, in the midsfc of which the poor seedy musicians struck up " God save the Queen," and then hurried away with their instruments for fear of being im- pressed into further service. So ended the gay out-of-door party. Carriage after carriage then took up their departing company, and the refreshed horses went cheerfully away in the cool of the evening, with their heads towards home, bringing the glowworm like lamps of the distance into full reality ere many of the travel- lers had recounted half their adventures, or repeated half the com- pliments that had been paid them. CHAPTER V. MRS. BOLSTKRWORTIl's SJ'OON. A Pic-xrc is one of those good, useful, indefinite sort of enter- tainments that may be turned to accouut in a variety of ways. It can either be made the foundation of future friendships, or the basis for further negotiation, or resolve itself into a bow and a drop altogether. To the pushing and enterprising there is no saying what opportunities they afterwards afford in the way of settling for flvs, restoring found property, or inquiring for lost — or never lost — articles. There are people who, if they make up their minds to be into your house, there is no keeping out. Our friend Mrs. Bolsterworth was one of these. She had an obstinate, dogged perseverance that knew no rebuff, and brought her back to the charge as easy and unconcerned as if she had been before received with open arms. She was a sort of east-iron countenanced woman, that there is no such thing as abashing. She always had a sort of running account variance with Mrs. Thomas Trattles, not only as an opposition caterer, match-maker, and general provider, but because she suspected Mrs. Trattles had interfered in a very promising flirtation between Captain Ganderton, of the Goose- green Fencibles, and Miss Marwood, out of which Mrs. Bolster- worth thought she saw her way to something very handsome — a silver tea-service, perhaps an urn. or a massive centrepiece. Moreover, our somewhat independent friend, Mr. Bunting, had not been so judiciously courteous to her as the too tardy growth of 26 PLAIN OB KINGLETS? his oak-trees rendered prudent ; so that altogether, what with Mrs. Trattles' and his own offences, Mrs. Bolsterworth felt that she owed him " one.*' Accordingly, having thought the thing well over in her mind during the morning after our pic-nic, when the card-shedding time of day arrived, she got her best blue moire-antique amplified over her hoop, and repellent crinoline, and, new bonnet on head, passed herself before the cheval glass as fit company for any one. The question then was, who she should go to first, and what excuse she should make for going to anybody. Now Mrs. Bolsterworth had a venerable old spoon — a tablespoon — that looked as if it might belong to half the world, for the initials were almost obliterated, and it was difficult to say whether the indistinct crest was a griffin, an eagle, an owl, or a unicorn. However, it made no matter what it was, because its indistinctness was its merit ; and this old spoon Mrs. Bolsterworth proposed making the open sesame of people's houses. To this end, having wrapped it carefully up in silver tissue paper, she went forth on her travels, with the pertinent inquiry, " Do you know anybody who lost a spoon yesterday ? " on her tongue's-end, instead of the usual hackneyed observations about the charms of the party, the beauty of the weather, or the calmness of the sea. So she mean- dered along Cockleshell Terrace, Cnibfish Court, all round Halli- but Square, and past Floater's Baths into Neptune Place, where the great guns of the world began to congregate. Our yesterday's friend, Mrs. Tartarman, lived here — No. 18 — who, estimated by her worldly enjoyments, ought to be extremely happy, for she had both a barouche and a chariot, with other appurtenances. AVith her Mrs. Bolsterworth had long wished to establish a footing, as well on account of what she had, as because she suspected Mrs. Tartarman, like herself, had a grievance against Mrs. Trattles. So, on coming to Mrs. Tartarman's door, she determined to try the effect of her spoon. A gentle turn of the ivory-knobbed visitor's bell instantly disclosed not only a very superior-looking footman in green and gold, but a bulky butler in the background, who, newspaper in hand, advanced a few paces, with an imperious " not at 'ome " for the footman to pass on to the ignoble pedestrian inquirer at the door. "Not at 'ome, mem," bowed Black Plush, with the deferential tone of a man aspiring to the woolsack of butlership, and not knowing who may promote his object. " 0, not at home, isn't she," replied Mrs. Bolsterworth, opening her tortoiseshell card-case, as if she was just going to do the usual and pass on. " Not at home," repeated she, half presenting a glazed card to the footman ; "yet stay," continued she, withdraw- ing it from his proffered hand, " do you think Mrs. Tartarman or any of the young ladies lost anything at the pic-nic yesterday ? " PLAIN OK RINGLETS? £7 " Don't know, I'm sure, mem," replied the footman. " Do you know, Mr. Tapp ? " addressing the butler. " Can't say, I'm sure," replied Mr. Tapp, advancing a little further, thinking there might be something in it. " Can't say, I'm sure, mem," repeated he ; " but if you'll 'blege me with your sard, mem, I'll step up-stairs and inquire." Mrs. Bolsterworth then presented him with the card ; and while Mr. Tapp retired, conning it as he went, Mrs. Bolsterworth came into the passage, and took a seat on a double-crested mahogany entrance hall-chair, to wait his return — inwardly specu- lating upon whether she would get any further or not, depending, she thought, upon how far the ladies had advanced in their company toilettes. The science of calling has certainly got into very convenient compass of late, and little now remains to be done save to make a transmission of visiting cards by post a legal tender. As it is, nobody ever expects to get into a house ; and half the air of the thing is lost by the substitution of visitors' bells for the hearty poundings the gigantic footmen used to give the knockers. By Jove, but some of them knocked as if there were no such things as nerves or headaches in the world. If it was not for the drive, the whole calling custom would collapse, and yet people would perhaps remain quite as good friends as before. It's the beef and mutton that docs the business — not the pasteboard. People all know where their friends live without being continually reminded by their calls. Now, though Mrs. Tartarmau was by no means in her at-home attire, having only one of those loosely flowing robes on that look so cool and comfortable as they stand variously ticketed at from eighteen shillings to twenty-live on the figure-stands at the puffing tradesmen's doors, yet the sight of Mrs. Bolsterworth's card, coupled with the inquiry about lost goods, made her send her deshabille daughters off to see if they had got all their trinkets, while she desired Mr. Tapp to show Mrs. Bolsterworth up, think- ing to take soundings of her while the girls were adorning. Accordingly the rustle of the staircase-ascending petticoats of the young ladies had scarcely subsided, ere the rotundity of clothes, of which Mrs. Bolsterworth formed the nucleus, was looming up into the drawing-room. Mrs. Tartarmau, though very great in a general way, could con- descend when it suited her ; and this being one of her unbending days, she rose from her ottoman throne as Mrs. Bolsterworth advanced, and tendering her the two fore-fingers of her gloved hand, motioned her to be seated in an easy chair hard by. "Oh," Mrs. Bolsterworth " wouldn't intrude for one moment, indeed she wouldn't — she had merely called at the door in passing, to ask if—" 28 PLAIN OB RINGLETS? But Mrs. Tartarman would have her down before she would let her go any further. Mrs. Bolsterworth having then accomplished the apparent im- possibility of getting into the easy — or to her uneasy — chair, gave her hoops an outward sweep, and, clearing her voice, again com- menced her story. " She had just called in passing to ask if Mrs. Tartarman had got all her things right from their expedition yes- terday, for in counting her spoons, she (Mrs. Bolsterworth) had found one that did not belong to her, and she thought perhaps it was Mrs. Tartarman's." Mrs. Bolsterworth unfolding the piece of antiquity as she spoke. " Oh," Mrs. Tartarman " was so much obliged — she couldn't say how much obliged she was ; but it wouldn't be hers, because she hadn't taken any spoons— only forks — Mrs. Maloney having agreed to take spoons for two, on condition of Mrs. Tartarman taking forks ; " and then Mrs. Tartarman took the proffered article, and after looking at it attentively, said "she thought it wouldn't be Mrs. Maloney's either, for their crest was a greyhound, and this was a bird or a harp, or she didn't know what. Mrs. Bolsterworth knew Mrs. Maloney she thought," and Mrs. Bolster- worth said she did ; but knowing there was nothing to be got out of her, she received back her spoon without proposing to profiler it to her. While this was going on, the three young ladies, Miss, Milicent, and Matilda Mary, having searched their jewel trays, that is to say, exchanged their limp dresses for well-distended muslin ones, came sailing in one after another, and having made their obeisance to the intrepid caller, aided in directing the conversation to their yesterday's adventures. Having been very unsuccessful in getting partners, and those they did get not being at all to their liking, of course they had not much to say in its favour, and were well dis- posed to run those young ladies down who had been more lucky in the great dancing lottery of life. First and foremost among the offenders was our fair friend Miss Rosa, who was pronounced to be a self-sufficient little flirt, and anything but pretty. Mrs. Bolsterworth, seeing which way the wind blew, pursed up her hard-featured mouth, and with divers significant nods and gestures gave them to understand that Miss Mc-what's-her-name had better mind what she was about with that Mr. Bunting, who Mrs. Bolsterworth happened to know some- thing of; whereupon, with very little pressing, she proceeded, in " strict confidence " of course, to reduce our friend from his cas- tellated dimensions to his cottage proportions, making a very dif- ferent hero of him to what he had before appeared. " What a thing ! " " Only think ! " " Well, I never ! " were the ejaculations freely emitted by the up-turned eyed mother and daughters. PLAIN OB RINGLETS? 29 " Why, that's the man that Mrs. Trattles makes such a talk about," observed Mrs. Tartarman, after a pause. " To be sure it is," assented Mrs. Bolsterworth ; " but ii you knew Mrs. Trattles as well as I do, you would not place much reliance upon what she says." " What, she's not one to speak after, isn't she ? " asked Mrs. Tartarman. " Anything but that," replied the oppositionist, with upraised eyebrows and a significant smile. A short pause then ensued. " How anybody can call that man handsome, I can't imagine," observed Miss Tartarman, breaking silence. " Pooh, nobody calls him handsome," sneered Miss Milicent. " Dressy, conceited man," observed Mamma, " never see him dressed twice alike." Whereupon a good wholesome round of abuse was raised against our friend that would not have made him at all proud to hear ; and after a protracted sitting, that greatly astonished Mr. Tapp, Mrs. Bolsterworth at length arose and took leave amid a host of fellow-feeling makes us wondrous kind shakes of the hands and adieus. She then circled off to work her spoon somewhere else. 30 PLAIN OR RINGLETS! CHAPTER VI MR. BUNTING IN BE J). susceptible hero, Mr. Bunting, awoke the next morning in his elegant sea- commanding lodgings — we beg pardon, apartments — in Calliope Crescent, full of i n t e n se ardour, and the most devoted ad- miration. Desperately smitten, as he hadoftenbeen; he thought he never — no never — had had his too diligent eyes drawn into such bondage before. So perfect and so peerless, fair Rosa seemed created of every creature best ; and the more Mr. Bunting thought of her, the more he was enamoured, and the stronger his poetical effusions came gushing to his assistance. He paraphrased the poet — " With thee conversing T forget all time, All seasons and their change : all please alike ; Sweet is the breath of morn, her rising sweet, With charm of earliest birds, pleasant the sun." and so on, through a good serviceable quotation that we are sorry we have not room for here, until Christian Bonville, his Swiss valet, fearing his master might run his own breakfast-hour, and his faithful servant's dinner one together, came in with a can ot hot water to announce that it was mid-day. Our friend, we may observe, though not possessing the magnificent wealth for which in Tin: fi:a-oi;i;i:n balcony. PLAIN OB RINGLETS? 31 Mrs. Trattles gave him credit, had nevertheless all the comforts and elegancies of single life, including a neat groom, and a couple of saddle-horses, standing at the Pegasus livery and bait stables, in the Hippona Road. So, though we opened that he was ruined by his grandfather's buying a book, the reader will have the goodness to take that expression figuratively, and consider it merely meant that he hadn't as much money as he might — had all things gone straight (or rather, had his Oaks gone straight), a condition of things peculiar to most people. Mr. Bunting being thus disturbed by the entrance of Bonville, banished his poetical effusions, as he threw aside the muslin- curtain of his canopied French bed, and bounded on to the floor, a hero or not in the eyes of his valet, accordingly perhaps as he paid him. The long and elaborate process of ablution, and of brushing, and combing, and curling, and waxing a dandy into his first or chrysalis state of existence, being at length got through, Mr. Bunting appeared in the pea-green balcony of his sitting- room-window, in Nankin peg-tops, an elegant cerulean blue Turkish silk dressing-gown, with massive red tassels, and lily-of- the-valley worked slippers. He then stood slightly bent forward, leaning with either hand resting on the rich fantastic patterned railing as if he were going to address a constituency for or against the Reform Bill, but in reality scanning the gay passers-by below. Very light and lively they all looked. The wide-extended flags scarce sufficed for the voluminous muslins that came circliug along with a rotundity of sail fit only for a pantomine. Then where two sets of moving balloons met, there had to be a divergence on to the road, to the risk of some one being ridden over by the Howe's and Cushing-ites, who came trooping along at best pace, with every variety of feather fluttering in their hats. Up-and-down, up-and-down they went, the same to-day as yester- day — the same as it will be again to-morrow — perpetual motion hacks ! And as Mr. Bunting stood basking in the warm sun, looking at the beauties, appropriating the steeds to their respective stables, and wondering why ladies did not amplify themselves on horseback as well as on foot, and thinking of " Punch's " admirable picture of Mr. Spratt putting, or another not putting Mrs. Spratt up, a sudden something struck his eye — a sort of foreboding of mischief, and a fuller look revealed Mrs. Bolsterworth sailing along with her spoon, and an expression of countenance that as goud as said, " I am thy evil genius, John !" "Whereupon, in hopes that he hadn't been seen, he backed out of the balcony into his room and rang the bell for his breakfast. That appetiteless meal at length over, and the "Post " discussed, for the "Times" was too strong feeding for our friend, the aid of Bonville was again enlisted, and with much thought, ;nd after many changes, and much rummaging in the overflowing wardrol es 32 PLAIX OE ETNGLETS? and drawers, a get-up was at last accomplished that Mr. Banting thought would be very telling. Full of — " With thee conversing I forget all time," he then turned out of doors, endeavouring to conceal his anxiety md eager watchfulness by pretended listless careless indifference. But as he stopped and chatted, and seemed ready to go anywhere with anybody, he kept a watchful eye to the west, his heart beating and his pulse throbbing at each appearing petticoat. And though many came and many met and many passed, still the one magic circle was wanting, and Mr. Bunting at length returned disheartened and dispirited to his home. Why he had his stroll for nothing will appear in the next chapter. CHAPTER VII. altoget too in ler un posse? MRS. MCDERMOTT. RS. McDERMOTThad now the pleasing pro- spect of seeing her daughter with two strings to her bow, a position that is much more appreciated by the ladies than by the gen- tlemen. "We question whether any man ever got a wife who hadn't had some other excellen t offer, or who hadn't neglected some other excellent prospect, or who hadn't been very much admired. Mrs. McDermott, when she thought matters over — how Mr. Bunting had made up to Rosa, how indefatigably he had danced with her, how enraptured he seemed, coupled with the not esting fact that he had a large fortune, and that felt extremely well satisfied with her days' GARDENER CUPID. nier sion PLAIN OR 7! TNG LETS? 33 adventures, and glad that their hou.se, Privctt Grove, warned painting. Not that she thought of giving young " sivin and four" his conge,but a little competition is an agreeable thing, and flattering. The ladies call it admiration — but the admiration generally ends one way, namely, by the best man being accepted. Of course in saying "best" we are now speaking commercially, not morally. Then as there is an old adage " that an egg to-day is worth a hen to-morrow," the fact of a man being in possession — not subject to the whims and caprices of the friends or relations of this world — is a very important consideration, and one that always has its due weight. It's an awkward thing when a youth has to please a whole regiment of his own relations with a wife, equally awkward when an unfortunate has to run the gauntlet of a too severely critical set of wife's connections. All things considered it is a wonder how people ever get scrambled through, to say nothing of the friendly attentions of the lawyers, each bent on doing what they call " the best " for their clients — that is, making a case of Jew versus Jew of a match. Mrs. McDermott thought all these points over, and came to the very sensible conclusion, that there was no harm in Rosa seeing a little of the world before she finally settled for life. Still she was a prudent Mamma, and not at all disposed to press matters on hastily, and as Rosa seemed a little paler than usual after her unwonted exercise, she resolved to keep her quietly at home the day after the pic-nic, instead of following up her advantage on the flags, as many over-anxious ladies would have done. We often wonder that young girls on their preferment, should be so fond of showing themselves, when they are not quite up to the mark. AVe always think they had much better forego the momentary gratification of the dance, or the interview, rather than risk the consequences of making an unfavourable impression. If we might without offence institute a comparison between the fairest of bipeds and the nobleso of quadrupeds, we would observe that no man who knows what he is about will ever show a horse that he wants to sell after a hard day's hunting, or even hacking on the road. He will say, when a customer comes, that the horse is not fit to show, and into the stable he will not let him pass, lest his first look should satisfy or dissatisfy him altogether. So it is with the fair. It is impossible for young ladies to dance and twirl, and talk vehemently all night in the heated atmosphere of a ball-room, and appear next day with the bloom of youth, and the healthy glow of freshness peculiar only to pure air, gentle exercise, and early hours. Yet show they will, pale, haggard, and weary though they be ; nay, declare they are not in the least fatigued, and quite ready to go to another ball that evening, if they can get. But nature, inexorable nature, will have her own way, and just as we see scarlet-coated young gentlemen ride T) 2 34 PLAIN OR RINGLETS! twenty miles to cover, hunt, return, dance all night, and smoke till it is time to hunt again, declaring as they dismount the second time, that they never felt so fresh and corkey in their lives, yet drop asleep directly after dinner ; so the weary listlessness of over-exertion will prevail even in the gayest and the liveliest throng, and time's relentless graver begins to draw those lines that so soon separate the ageing from the young — " Soon fades the rose, once past the fragrant hour, The loit'rer finds a bramble for a flower ; " as our poetical friend, Mr. Bunting, would say. Mrs. McDermott did not risk this sort of thing. She saw that Rosa was not herself, and instead of letting other people see the same, she kept her quietly in the cool of the back drawing-room until the heat of the day was over, when she took her by the retired route of Rosemary Gardens, Park Place, and Victoria Villas, up on to the breezy downs, at the back of the sea-stretching town. Here, amid groups of nursery-maids and children, flannel-clad cricketers, and small young gentlemen wheeling about in charge of large drill-sergeants, they sat and sauntered about until it was time to return to tea. Meanwhile Mr. Bunting, as we have shown, polished the flags of Promenade Gardens, Belvidere Terrace, Parnassus Place, all the likely draws where people most do congregate, without a find. Dull and dispirited he at length withdrew to his dinner, hoping for better luck on the morrow, and inwardly upbraiding himself for not having gone boldly to call. CHAPTER VIII. UOSEBERRY ROCKS' REGATTA. People who call Regattas dull and stupid — say they never can make either head or tail of them, see which boat is first, or which is last, or understand what the bang, bang, banging of the guns is for — take a superficial view of the matter, and know little of their merits, in a matrimonial point of view. In fact, they would seem to be invented for the promotion of this particular enterprise, and afford facilities peculiarly their own. In the first place, they draw all people into line, so that pink parasol is easily seen ; in the second place, the spectators are stationary, and a well-selected position is generally free from observation, save of those in the immediate neighbourhood ; in the third place, regattas are good PLAIN OR RINGLETS* 35 eyes-right, straight- forward looking exhibitions that afford no excuse for inquisitive prying and peeping about. All minds ought to be engaged and absorbed in the boats out at sea. Contrast these advantages with those afforded by pic-nics, archery meetings, or flower-shows, and the balance of quietude will be found to be greatly in favour of regattas. A pic-nic we have seen, and at flower-shows and archery meetings there are constant crossings, and, what huntsmen call, " throwings in at head," which disturb the comfort and composure of the scene. These are like the interruptions of a boy to a bird building its nest, which some- times causes it to desert altogether. Young gentlemen especially are liable to get laughed out of their loves. The day but one following our pic-nic was appointed for the second of these nautical exhibitions of the season, and accordingly the morning was ushered in with whole ladders of colours flying from poles, and every conceivable place, looking as if there had been a general contribution of all the pocket-handkerchiefs in the town. All the gay white-sailed stomach-pumps of pleasure-boats — or purgatory-boats, as they too often are — were decked out in their streamers and flags, and holiday symbols. Then lusty amphibious landsmen went rolling and hitching about, persecuting people to buy their programmes of the coming sport, as if anybody was ever the wiser from having one. Towards noon, the starting and winning-posts were denoted by Union Jacks placed upon buoys, and about the same time, sundry dirty urchins began pushing and paddling about in tubs, preparatory to taking part in the sport on an element that they seemed to have very little general acquaintance with. Luncheon, that lady's meal of the day, being at length over — the process of inflation commenced, and presently the wide portals of the mansions emitted whole bevies of beauties who, like the butterflies, unfolded their colours as they got into the gleam of the sunshine. Up went the white, the lilac, the lavender, and at the sight of the well-known signals boaty-young gentlemen and horsey-young gentlemen, and dressy- young gentlemen, and vacant-young gentlemen, began to draw up — hands in peg-top trousers' pockets — from no one knew where, and fall into rank, the right men, it is to be hoped, in uhe right places. So the whole sea-board soon floated with crinoline, the lightest of bonnets, and airiest of dresses, organdis, brilliantes, and piques. Then as the bands began to play, and somebody on shore made a signal to somebody a-float, at the bang of a gun on a lugger-yacht, single and double Dollonds and telescopes came out of their cases ready to point against whatever might appear. And who does the reader think did appear at this most critical moment ? Our friend Admiration Jack — Jack dressed within an inch of his life, simpering along as near the fair Rosa as the amplitude of her very pretty broad-sashed blue and white dress 36 PLAIN OR RINGLETS f would allow. Very beautiful she looked, calm, pensive, and demure, so unlike Miss Giggleton, who came flouncing and twisting about with Captain Ogle, staring in all directions to see who was looking at her. A woman is never satisfied till she has paraded a man. Our friend's appearance had the effect of fanning the flame, of the previous day's gossip, and set all parties looking at our newly-arrived beauty. Some thought her very well — some thought her middling — some thought nothing of her. One lady — Miss Tartey — thought she had got a most preposterous sash on. To our friend Mr. Bunting their criticisms were more pertinent and severe. That man was always playing the fool with some one. Mrs. Salter had seen him dangling after Miss Meadowbank at Baden, Miss Granite said he had behaved extremely ill to a first cousin of hers, while Mrs. Bolsterworth observed, that it would be an act of kindness to tell Rosa's Mamma what sort of a man he was. And here mark the merits of a regatta — just as the hostile criticism was at its height, and there is no saying what mischief might have ensued, " Baxg ! " went a gun on the bathing- machine battery, with such a stunning sound as caused the nervous ones to shriek and turn the current of indignation against the invisible agent who had ordered it to be fired. How could they make such a noise ! "What was the use of making such a noise ! Reader, that gun denoted that the aquatic amusements were about to commence, an amusement in which there always appear to be two distinct and separate interests, those on the water and those on the shore, between whom there is no sort of tie, sympathy, or community of interest. Who there were in the boats we will not stop to inquire — there were no pretty bonnets — youths in shallow-crowned straws, with clay pipes in their mouths, as if to make sickness a certainty- — stout ladies eating prawns and enjoying the breeze, in charge of amphibious landsmen, who may be seen wheeling about baskets of dirty linen on a Monday, and a bunch of portly gentlemen in round jackets and white trousers in the lugger-yacht, who stand consequentially on deck with, as they think, the eyes of England upon them. Those latter are the great patrons and promoters of the regatta, men who have put down their lives and their threes, and their twos and their ones, and who call themselves the committee of management, though if they can manage not to be sick that is about all they can do. They are just as much in the hands of the Neptune of the place as non-racing stewards are in the hands of a sharp clerk of the course at a country meeting. Still they are flattered by the compliment, and, as honest Sancho Panza says, it is good to have command if it is only over a flock of sheep ; so they it is who say when the next Bang from the gun is to start alike the people, and the boats, and less we think the promoters could hardly have for their money. The fatties have one advantage in PLAIN OB RINGLETS t 3? their favour — though it is all against the briskness of the saiti/i;/ part of the regatta — namely, that there is very little wind, and the too well adjusted boats sail and separate and come together again in a very dull uninteresting way, the owners making the same sort of sham struggle that a field of leather plates make in running ox the reciprocity system for a town plate or an apocryphal vase, with a purse of gold (a five pound note perhaps) in it. Rut though the boats are off, no one seems to care whether the Prince Consort, Lord Derby, the Sarah Ann, or the Mary Jane is first, the whole thing being merely the means to another end, and the longer they dawdle and flutter and chop and change, the more opportunity they afford the landsmen to " avail themselves of the regatta ; " as the French beau said to the lady who praised her daughter's performance on the piano, " Mademoiselle Delphine a la un bien beau talent," said she, pointing significantly to her as she fingered away ; " Allons, faut avaler le concerto," said the gallant making up to Mamma. And of all the parties who availed themselves of the regatta none were more industrious than our hero Mr. Runting, who, despite his nautical pedigree, managed to lose three pairs of gloves to the fair Rosa in the first three matches that were sailed. Rut the stout gentlemen with the worshipful white stomachs are going to change the performance, and at a given signal a score of hobbledehoys begin stripping in a boat in the offing, in a way that but at the sea-side would have a very embarrassing effect. It is wonderful what a difference the locality makes in these Apollo Relvidere matters. If those great naked men we now see proceeding so leisurely from Underdown Cliff to the sea, were to exhibit themselves that way in a secluded wood in the country, there would be such a running and shrieking and sending lor Sergeant Rluemottles, and such a carrying before Squire Lazyman or Mr. Pheasantry. Rut because they come down upon the open coast, with a grand sea before them, people think nothing of it ; and those fair ladies in the mushroom hats, with their back hair spread over their shoulders, sit as unconcernedly by as so many dowagers in a statue gallery. So again with the fair. What lady would traverse the passages of a house with nothing on but a bathing-gown and slippers ? What peeping and prying and listening there would be at the door before she broke cover, and what a hurrying and scuttling there would be after she once got away. If she should happen to meet a man she would never get over it. Yet here in the broad face of day, with myriads of gazers and regiments of telescopes, they come out with the greatest coolness and deliberation, and walk un- concernedly into the sea ! So much for a " pure mind in a pure body," as the advertisement says — Rut, to tin.' boys. They go on stripping like the grave-digger in Elamlet, nnti' 33 PLAIN OR RINGLETS t they have all the appearance of Robinson Crusoe's group of savages, when they are bundled out of the boats like a tub full of eels, and told to swim to another boat further up. Away they go, struggling and splashing and gasping and spouting, with an evident desire to be first, a boat following to take up the weakly ones who soon begin tailing, but as the foremost boy's own mother wouldn't know that lank head of hair in the water, it can hardly be expected that the elegant spectators can take more interest in the matter than is comprised in the old saying of " may the best boy win." This scene, like the flopping ones, must therefore be classed under the "avaler h concerto" ones, and doubtless many of the spectators availed themselves of the opportunity. We know one who did, at all events. Last scene of all — the pantomime of the sea — is the dirty boys in the tubs, a performance that corresponds with the "make a scramble gents ! make a scramble ! " of the mud-larks under the windows at Greenwich. A dozen dirty boys in buckets and barrels and wooden contrivances of all sorts, come paddling and rowing alongshore, upsetting themselves and each other in their eager contests and dives after half-pence. This is the most interesting performance, verifying the truth of the saying, that there is nothing so popular as a little excitement in which every one can take a part. Hitherto the fatties have had it all their own way — at least, have thought they had — now all have a finger in the pie, and there is a rushing and running and shouting and screaming and mixing of classes quite different to the late orderly, stationary, line-keeping company. But this is not for our friends. Miss Rosa has no taste for the boisterous, nor Mr. Bunting for having his neat laquer-toed boots, trampled upon, so as the last group of vociferating urchins go yelling past — some backing Geordey Bacon ! others Billy Brown ! our ladies rise from their seats ; and Mamma, having seen that Miss's toumure is aM straight, gives the approving nod, and forth- with they turn from the receding performance to retrace their steps to the quieter regious of the west. Then our fair friend and her beau became an object of attention to the forlorn left-at-home damsels. Miss Curling's maid thinking Rosa had "got plenty of sail on hooiver," while Mrs. Broadmeadow's pin-sticker rather stands up for quantity. She wears hoops herself. As women always fall foul of their own sex first, and Rosa's was a face that bore investigation — that is to say, was worth running down, our fi'iencl Mr. Jack did not come in for much observation until the return trip, when as he was airing some of his poetry apparently much to our heroine's satisfaction, he was denounced as a conceited- looking man. and one that they wondered Miss Simpers could look so well pleased with. They then began speculating upon who he PL A IX OB RINGLETS! 39 was. One said, it was young Sir Stephen Sappy ; another, Captain Hubbub ; a third, Mr. Lounger Hall. Just whoever they happened to have heard of, and didn't know by sight. It takes a longish apprenticeship in a place like the Rocks, with its ever- MH. HI'NT|S'(,< w;i>i:\t A LAI I l: \ 1 ION. moving panorama of eumpany, to be able to pell a man oil-hand with his name as the sages of the Clubs in St. James's Street do. There's Brown, there's .loiii'S. there's Robinson, even before the worthies heave well in siuht . I Jut (he field of observation is sunn to be extended, for the com- petitive coppers having caused the urchins to de-en their boats, a 40 PLAIN OR RINGLETS? running scramble takes place on shore, which presently resolves itself into a general fight, bringing the cocked hatted brown and gold-robed Bumble, down with his gilt-headed staff, followed by a suitable number of police, before whom the little ragged army flies in dismay to their homes. The regatta is over. The large-stomached gentlemen are then released from their labours, and come ashore to dine, with sucb appetites as the dip, dip, dippings of the boat has left them, Mr. Chousey charging them five shillings a-head extra for dinners, as well on account of the great local event, as because it happened to be the anniversary of the day on which the Clown at Astley's was drawn in a tub on the Thames by two geese. The general company then distend their crinoline, and set sail, some to the north, some to the east, some to the west, where our friend Mr. Bunting, now in the full intoxication of ardour, was inwardly exclaiming as he looked devotedly at Rosa, " Full many a lady I have eyed with best regard many a time ; The harmony of their tongues hath unto bondage Drawn my too diligent eyes ; But you, oh ! you So perfect and so peerless are created, Of every creature's best." And so he proceeded, now a little in advance, now alongside the Mamma-guarded beauty past the formidable green blinds and jalousies of Promenade Gardens, through whose light barriers no one knew what envy, hatred, and malice, might be lurking ; until they met the tide of regatta-returning company in the narrower pass of Somerset Shore, where the oft - recurring collision of crinoline at length caused them to turn and bend their steps to the wider region of Victoria Lawn, on whose sun -burnt grass the green and white baud of the Roseberry Rocks' Rangers, was boom- ing and blowing away at the Malakhoff Galop. There on its well- trodden space, our friend figured away in such style, that it soon became current that Admiration Jack was going to be married. And when Herr Staub, whose real name was Tom Snooks, gave the signal for striking up " God save the Queen," the trio wheeled off to Sea-view Place, where at the door of Xo. 5, Jack begged one of Rosa's pretty little primrose-coloured gloves, as a pattern for bet-paying. So ended the famous Roseberry Rocks' Regatta — an event that was duly chronicled in the newspapers of the day, hut without the great advantage that we possess, of having our narrative illustrated. PLAIN OR RINGLETS t U CHAPTER IX. pic-nic xo. ir. It is a good tiling to be able to leave well alone — to finish with a pleasant reminiscence instead of the recollection of a failure. But as it is easier to perceive the wrong than to pursue the right, the difficulty is to say when is the right time to stop. Our former pic-nic had given such general satisfaction — had been so much talked about— praised by those who were present to those who were absent — and the weather, despite Baccoman's daily prognostications to the contrary, seemed so determinedly settled, that little blame could attach to any one for wishing to have another. Indeed, the atmosphere was so clear, and calm, and pure, that it would almost have looked like ingratitude to hint a suspicion that fogs, and storms, and vapours would ever return. It looked as if Alpacas and Silks and Siphonias might be banished with over-shoes altogether. So thought everybody, ladies included, who, by the bye, are not in general the best judges of weather. Did any of our fox-hunting friends ever hazard the inquiry, what sort of a morning it is to the lady's maid, " in reply to the early knock," without being answered with a shivering " v-a-a-r-y c-o-old." It's always " v-a-a-ry c-o-old " with them. If, however, they want to get the "Missus" away, then it is always going to be very fine. Never mind what the glass says, even though it be down to much rain. If it comes and dashes the fair dresses, so much the better for them. Ladies shouldn't wear their cluthes too long — we mean too long a time, for, of course sweeping the streets with them is a luxury which they must not be denied, to say no- thing of its promoting the same desirable end as the rain. Well, as we said before, it is a good thing to be able to leave well alone, but the thing is to know when to stop. Our former pic-nic had been eminently successful, and there was no reason why another should not be equally fortunate. The weather — the weather — was the chief consideration, and that, was settled for good. — Xo fear about the weather. There was nothing to do but beat up for recruits. So said .Mrs. Maloney to Mi'. Lounger Hall, who repeated it to Mi-. Kenworthy, who mentioned it at the full tide of Lipseombe's library, and the thing began to move. The ladies all declared there was nothing so nice as a pic-nic. where every one did what they liked without ceremony or obligation. Names poured in apace ; then came the contribution of effects, the assignment of pie, and apportionment of hams, and demands un the cellars, and injunctions fur salt, of which latter article 4-2 PLAIN OB RINGLETS t there is always either a great abundance, or else a total deficiency. We dare say it has occurred to many of our readers, in the over- confidence of fine-weather security, to postpone their excursions until the very day on which the weather breaks, and such, we regret to say, was the case on the present occasion. Not that it broke in a downright unmistakeable storm, but what is far worse for the fine bonnets, went down in a flickering light of delusion so difficult to realise when we wish the contrary. We know the signs, and we know what they have led to before ; but we hope they won't be the true prophets this time. It is true the rays of the sun fall like watered silk on the passage walls ; it is true that the cattle go roaming discontentedly about the parched glazy pastures, and we predict rain ere long, but not to-day, the next day perhaps, or the one after that. Country people arc far wiser than town ones in the matter of weather. Town people go solely by their smells and their Aneroids, while an intelligent countryman has his signs and his land marks that never deceive him. There isn't a shepherd on the Cheviot hills but sees the coming storm, and takes measures accordingly. The ladies, however, have never any fear about the matter so long as the sun shines. A drop of rain is no warning to them ; indeed, they generally pocket the affront, lest noticing it, should bring down some more. On this occasion, the weather, we are sorry to say, was more than ordinarily deceptive. The sun rose with such resplendent glory, as almost to pull people out of bed, causing the lazy ones to listen to the ticking of their watches, to see that it wasn't eight o'clock instead of six. Then, as the slugs " on their beds Turned their sides and their shoulders and their great heavy beads," the dazzling rays shot into the rooms as much as to say, if you won't get up, we'll make your bed too hot to hold you. And as day advanced, and the buff-slippered prawn-eaters turned out of doors, to lay the foundation of appetites for dinner, and the blue and white clad sea-nymphs began dancing and splashing and dis- porting themselves in the water, appearances still kept up, and though the sun was not quite so indignant at being looked at, as usual, yet none but the churlish would ever have predicted a change in the weather, let alone rain. One o'clock came, and with it the concomitant tinkling and ringing of bells, and the usual transference of John Thomas from trousers into plush shorts, after which came the sending up of luncheon, and then the exchange of easy morning robes for the rotundity of discomfort, when the inllaied ladies became " at home," PLAIN OR RINGLETS? 43 and eat looming on their chairs, like hens upon broods of chickens. But it is with the pic-nicers that our more immediate business lies, and as they are supposed (though erroneously) to take this meal out of doors, we must get them underway to the scene as soon as we can. Formerly these sorts of excursions were called " gip^y- ings," and people dressed themselves accordingly ; but since the glorious days of " nothing-to-wear," they came as smart as they can make themselves. Ladies are always very obliging to each other in the matter of attire, always begging each other not to think of dressing — to come just as they are — they will not dress they can assure them, and so on ; but somehow they always do dress, and the unfortunate believers are left in the lurch. It is a hard thing for a young lady to find herself a " guy " in the midst of splendour. All our Rocks' friends, however, were well up to the " come as you are " injunction, and treated it accordingly. " A delusion and a snare " Mrs. Thomas Trattles called it. As a popular German Baron once said when remonstrated with by his valet on the extravagance of hunting in a rich cut velvet waist- coat with steel buttons, " By my vord, there is nothing too good for foxing in ! " so our fair friends seemed to think there was nothing too good for pic-nic-ing in. The best of everything was produced for the occasion, and tender-hearted beauties who would rush to the rescue of a fly in a cream jug, kept the poor sickly milliner girls sewing all night, in order that they might be gay and smart on the morrow. And very gay, and very smart, and very beautiful many of them were, each ambitious maid predicting as she remitted her young lady to the gaze and admiration of the assembled household down below, that she would be the greatest beauty there. It is wonderful how competition destroys this delusion, and how difficult it is to pick out the real belle when a large party of English ladies are assembled. One thinks one is, another another, but few two men agree upon the same one. The home inspection over, then came the light dust-protecti'.ig coverings, and the passage to the carriages, with the gathering of crinoline, and squeezing sideways through the narrow doors to the amusement of the bystanders, who wonder how such dresses are ever to be pushed in. Careful butlers who have delegated their authority to the footmen for the day, aid in the cram ; and then as the carriages drive off, stand straddling, hands in trousers' pockets, on the door-steps, with upturned chins, half wondering if it is going to rain. '"Might as well have put an umbrella into the rumble," thinks one. " Very odd if it should come rain to- day, the only one on which I've let 'our people' go without their umbrellas," mutters another. "'Might as well have put the cloaks and Macintoshes in," thinks a third, as he gets a whiff of 44 PLAIN OR RINGLETS? ar. unsavoury sewer, with which reflections they turn on their heels, close the doors, and retire to their respective apartments. Rosa and Mamma went away about the same time as before, Miss, munificent in white muslin, with cherry-coloured ribbons, and the prettiest of French chip bonnets, trimmed with bouquets formed of the blossom of the cherry intermingled with the fruit. We are happy to add, that it set more over the forehead than these ap- parently useless articles have lately done. Away the light-hearted ladies all went, full of the gaiety of coming pleasure, never dimming their happiness with the dulness of doubt. If the still radiant sun was occasionally more scorching than usual, it only raised a pretty parasol, and though the eddying whirl of dust that arose like a drab spectre on Airy Hill might have conjured up fears in the minds of the men, it never does foi them to exclaim, when the thinly-clad ladies face danger so gallantly. So all went rolling and riding on in merry serene unconcern, toiling up the same hills, creaking over the same downs, gliding down the same collar-easing slopes and descents, over which the reader accompanied us on the former occasion. At length Bendlaw Hill is reached, and the Priory-flag is seen flaunting on the now slightly-stirring breeze in the distance. The foremost carriages shoot down the incline, and Baccoman's looking-glass is again in demand. All is much the same as before — buns, baskets, cigar-boxes, bottles, save that a slight murmuring moan resounds through the leaf-ruffled trees. Mrs. Fothergill, who has just got herself and daughters revised and shook out, wishes it mayn't be going to rain. " Oh, no, ma'am," asserts Baccoman, "there's no fear of that — never saw weather more settled for fine." And just as he spoke a large leech-like drop broke on his rubicund nose, as if to contradict him. Another followed, kissing Miss Spinner's fair cheek. " Only a heat-drop, ma'm — only a heat-drop," asserts Baccoman, with the greatest effrontery, though he is going on his heels, with slit shoes, for his corns are shooting most painfully. Carriage after carriage then set down their fair occupants in quick succession, and the hiiarity of the scene seems to increase with the evident decline of the day. It is fast approaching four o'clock, the most critical hour of the whole, and the water-logged sun presents an appearance that is now quite unmistakeable. Still no one likes to give the alarm, and the gaiety continues. Presently a cold blast drives through the ruins, bfting and shaking the ivy, whistling, and losing itself in the towers, in the midst of which the sun retires altogether, and the fast-gathering clouds denote a complete change in the scene. A sort of sullen silence reigns throughout, broken only by occasional laughter, or MR. BUNTING'S POCKET S1PHON1A. PLAIN OH JUNG LETS* 4*> the letting down of the steps of the carriages bringing company. Still Baecoman persists that there is " notliin' to be afeared on " — and the suited young ladies titter and giggle, and think there is not either. It is those who pay the milliners' bills that are generally the most alarmed. "There's lightning!" at length shriek a dozen voices, as a bright blue and yellow flash illumines the scene, and before the fair alarmists can raise their ringers to their ears, a cannonading peal of thunder bursts right over-head, re-echoes, and reiterates itself, and then rolls away into the far-distant hills. There is then a grand rush and scramble to get down into the crypt, and the damp dungeon-like vault is quickly filled with fair prisoners, who go paddling about in their thin shoes, feeling for dry places to stand upon. Ladies' shoes somehow "never let in wet." "Candles ! candles! candles ! " is then the cry, but as these are things that nobody ever thinks of bringing to a pic-nic, our visitors are thrown on Baccoman's scanty stock of dips, who deals them out as if they were gold. These they stick in their own grease against the massive pillars and groins of the building, just as reckless grooms stick them against their stable-walls, the dips giving a sort of uncertain light that enables the chaperons to detect the whereabouts of ineligible couples, and yet not to see those that were more appropriately provided. Trust a lady for not seeing when it suits her. But where in this terrible crash is the lovely cherry ribbons, with her faithful admirer Mr. Bunting ? Having ambled carelessly over the downs, drawing down the observation, if not the animad- version of the carriage-company, our friend gave his horse to his. smart groom to take back just as Mamma and Miss emerged from unwrapping, and as the day left no doubt of what was coming. Fortunately the persevering Mr. Edmiston having succeeded in advertising one of his pocket-siphonias into him, which the prudent groom had brought, our friend hurried the ladies down- stairs, and spread it on the floor for them to stand upon, so they were then protected both above and below. Meanwhile, crash, bang, crash, goes the roaring reverberating thunder, iv-h-i-s-h follows the heavy rain, beating perpendicularly, diagonally, all ways at once, deluging the refectory, and at length causing the accumulated body of bubbling water to find vent down the stabs of the crypt. Then there was a rush of gallant-young gentlemen to stem the coming torrent, and Baccoman's coat, and Baccoman's boots, and Baccoman's body are engaged to resist the intruder. At length they succeed in turning the current across the court-yard, and the fear of drowning is succeeded by a dread of suffocation. Still the storm rages, the wind howls, and the searching rain drives the unprotected servants from buttress to buttress, and from pillar to post, while the unhappy horses stand 46 PLAIN OR HINGLETS! droo^.ag and ducking under their saturated awning, shaking their heads as if they had all got the megrims. But it is a grand day for Baccoinan, who deals out whiskey, rum, gin, hollands, in a way that looks very like imperilling the heads of the drinkers, and with them the safety of those in their Jehu-itical charge. What a drenched sight some of the gaudy footmen present : liquid powder pouring down over their ears on to their laced collars, coat-laps remitting the rain like peacocks' tails, and the pride of polish wholly obliterated from their puffing shoes. Still, if they were to strip and start home naked, there would be a hue-and-cry after them, because the line would be over the Downs — contra, if the race took place along the shore. However, as few of them find their own clothes, and the clothes of those who do will be none the worse for a washing, they stand it out bravely, laughing at each other, and wondering what their respective "Butlers" would have said if they had been caught in such a storm. At length there is a sudden lull. The powder of heaven's artillery seems exhausted, and a rattling rain descends as if to quench any fallen fire. It beats upon the hard-baked ground with the vigour of fifty thousand shower-baths. The half-drowned rats of servants then surrender themselves to inevitable fate, and no longer court the succour of unsheltering places. The bright green ivy and they get well washed together. The prisoners down in the crypt now breathe more freely, and there is presently a returning anxiety to know how the dresses are — if Miss Merry- ville's bonnet is straight, and whether Miss Witchfield has got any of the green damp off the walls, with which she sees other ladies plentifully smeared, on to her new lavender-coloured silk. A sad day it has been for the garments, but worse for the feet, only as pride feels no pain, so ladies never feel damp, and would be dry after walking through a river — provided the road led to a ball. But the extent of the mischief cannot be ascertained until they get unpacked — brought out of the hamper of the crypt, as it were — and at the first report of a gleam of sunshine being visible, there is the usual hurrying out, that always ends by being caught in the tail-shower. Few people have patience enough to wait till the whole thing is over. This then puts the finishing stroke to the ttte, save for those who, like Bunting, could whisper — " With thee conversing, I,"