IF and JE\eadings TWAIN BILLINGS OTHERS : THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES GIFT OF David Freedman r Comic Recitations and Readings BEING A COMPLETE ASSORTMENT OF COMIC, HUMOROUS AND DIALECT RECITATIONS, SUITABLE FOR DELIVERY AT ALL TIMES AND ON ALL OCCASIONS, INCLUDING ALL OF THE LATE AND POPULAR EFFORTS OF THE world's GREATEST HUMORISTS AND ENTERTAINERS. COMPETED BY CHAELES WALTER BROWN. Associate Author "Common School Elocution and Oratory, " " Eational Elocution and Beading, " Etc. Chicago Frederick J. Drake & Company Publishers COPYRIGHT. 1903 BY FREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO. CHICAGO, ILL.. U.S.A. » PREFACE It is a common saying that the reader or speaker who can draw both smiles and tears from his audience is one to be envied. If you would awaken emotions in the hearts of your hearers you must have recitations suited to the purpose. It is equally important that you enter fully into the spirit of each selection. Do not deliver a humorous selection in a cold, unfeeling manner. If you feel the words you are uttering by subtle influence you cannot fail to move those who hear you. Give reality to all the emotions your words aim to express and your efforts will not be un- availing. The publishers have the fullest assurance that in the publication of Comic Recitations and Readings the demand for short, pithy, spicy, racy humor is amply supplied. A greater va- riety of choice recitations is contained in this book than in any similar compilation now on the market. Q-f ( ^ CONTENTS Hans Bleimer 's Mool 9 Tickled All Oafer 10 The ' ' Ole Marster 's ' ' Christmas 11 This Means You, Girls 13 Ramon. (Bret Harte) 16 Uncle Joel on Peddlers 19 Uncle Cephas' Yarn 21 His Love 23 Me and My Dog 24 Der Oak und der Vine 26 A Scientific Party 27 The Smack in School 30 Vas Bender Henschpecked ? (Von Boyle) . . 31 Taste 33 Peter Sorghum in Love. (Alf Burnett) ... 35 The Irishman's Panorama. (Jas. Burdette) 38 Fritz' Courtship 40 The Emancipation of Man. (Robert J. Burdette) 42 Trials of a Twin 46 6 CONTENTS. De Rev. Plato Johnson on Free Circulation Liberies 47 The Rival Drummers. (Anon) 49 The Arkansas Traveller 51 In Answer. (Rose Hartwick Thorpe) .... 53 A Scream from the American Eagle in Da- kota. (Anon) 55 The Royal Bumper Degree. How a Boy Initiated His Dad. (From Peck's Sun). 63 The Photograph Album. (Ella Bevier) ... 67 Intensely Utter. (Anon) 69 Pat's Bondsman. (Lillian A. Moulton) . . . 73 " Whar's de Kerridge?" (Anon) 75 Aunt Patience's Doughnuts, (Anon).... 78 Mark-Twain's Anecdote on A. Ward 86 The Hypochondriac 87 Nubachadnezzar 89 Hans Breitman 's Party 91 The Irish Philosopher 93 Der Drummer 95 When I Was Ten and She Was Fifteen 96 The Old Oaken Bucket— Parody 97 Only a Pin 99 Total Annihilation 100 Mr. Caudle and His Second Wife 101 The Charge of "De Dutch Brigade" 105 Hew Dennis Took the Pledge 106 CONTENTS. 7 Shake und Agers 107 Der Nighd Pehind Grisdmas. (George W. Wetmore) 110 Katrina Sees a Game of Football 112 Schnitzel's Velocipede 113 Psalm of Marriage 115 Agnes, I Love Thee 116 A Potato Bug 117 Der Shpider und der Fly US The Bachelor's Soliloquy 119 The Puzzled Census Taker 121 A Midnight Tragedy 121 A Lovely Scene 122 Popping the Question 123 He Didn't Want the 'Scrip tion 125 Bill's in Trouble 126 "Spacially Jim" 127 The Marriage Ceremony 12S Blasted Hopes 129 Tim Murphy Makes a Few Remarks 130 Passing of the Horse 132 A School-Day 134 The Bicycle and the Pup 136 It Made No Difference 137 Bridget O'Flannagan on Christian Science and Cockroaches 139 Conversational 140 8 CONTENTS. Wanted, a Minister's Wife 140 How a Married Man Sews on a Button .... 142 The Dutchman 's Serenade 144 Biddy's Troubles 146 The Inventor's Wife 148 The Schoolma'ani's Courting 153 The Dutchman's Snake 154 No Kiss 158 Lisping Lover 159 Larrie 'Dee 159 How Paderewski Plays the Piano 161 Freckel Face Girl 163 When Girls Wore Calico 165 Winning Company 167 Bravest Sailor of All 167 How She Was Consoled 167 That Hired Girl 169 What Sambo Says 171 Irish Sleighride 173 Jane Jones 175 De Ole Plantation Mule 176 Adam Never Was a Boy 177 Comic Recitations and Readings HANS BLEIMER'S MOOL. Hans Bleimer shtood by dot burning shkip ]\Iidt two hands on his mool ; Der mool he shumped, Hans used his vip, Und called dat beasht a fool. Of course dot mool he vood not go, He vas schared so by dot fire ; So Hans he hits dot mool a blow Dot raised its heels up higher. Und shtill dot shtubborn mool shtood by Mit his two f eets oudt before ; His eye vas viled, his tail vost high, Vile round der flames did roar. Den Hans, he tinks dat game 's played out, So he dries some oder plan, To dhrive dot shweet— mool uf dat shkip Und bringt him safe by landt. Der man in der moon smiled to de East, Und de stars midt fun vinked out. Der visits fildt dare teeth for a feast, Und Tlans Bleimer vendt his plans about. Den Hans he takes kwick off his coats, His face vos schared und bale. 10 COMIC RECITATIONS. Und midt six hundred vicked oats, He vendt for dot shtrong mool's dail. Den Mr. Mool vos so oxprised, Midt Hans Bleimer in his rear, Dot anger shone all oudt his eye, Und fidt vas in his ear. Six shuraps ! six kicks ! Oh awful doom ! Hans Bleirner vare, oh, vare vas he ? Go shpeak by de man vot durns de moon — Der vishes by the sea. Veil anyhow poor Hans hadt shweet revenge, So dite he heldt above vot hit him Dot ven he left dis vicket vorldt, Der best part uf dot dail vent mit him. I. H. Brown. TICLED ALL OAFER. The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old farmer living out on the Center Line road, who had a story to tell. After two or three ef- forts, he began : — "I vhas goin home last night ven I overtakes two men on der roadt. Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif 'em a ride ? I laft, too, und say, 'shump in.' " ' ' Yes, I understand. ' ' "Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutchmens, 'cause his uncle vas a Dutch- mans. Dot vhas all right, und so I laft, too. I vhas real tickled, und I shakes all oafer." "Tes.' r SELECTED READINGS. 11 "In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven-tolar bill, so as he could gif some money to der orphan assylums ; und he laf ts, ha ! ha ! ha !. Dot tickled me some more, und I laf ts too. Den de odder feller, he grabs me py der col- lar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks in my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. Dot makes us all laff, like some goot shoke. ' ' THE "OLE MARSTER'S" CHRISTMAS. "Yer axes me what dis heah is, sah? Well, hit's nuffin', sah, but jes' er coat— Jes' wun ob dese long, gray, ulsty kin', Whar buttons close up on de th 'oat. I got hit ter fit on er fren', sah, An' I'se gwine an' wid my own han' Ter wrop hit eroun' de bes' hart, sah, Dat is beatin' ter day in dis Ian'! "No, tain't fer nobody whar's kin ter me— 'Cept dis, sah, dat in dem ole days 'Fore de wah an' fore freedum cum in, sah. He wuz den my 'Ole Marster' always. He wuz kin' an' ez jest ez er judge, sah, An' always done right by us all. An' he nebber forget w'en twuz Christmas Ter hab sumthin' in ban' fer us all ! 12 COMIC RECITATIONS. "But de wah an' destruckshin cum on him, An ' he loss all he had in de Ian ', An' feebled, an' fren'less, an' weak, sah. Had ter lib by de wuck ob his han\ I tell yer de fite's bin er hard 'un— Dis keepin' de wolf fum de do', An ' off en he 'z sed he 'd gib up, sah, An' not try ter fite enny mo' ! "But I'd brace him up, sorter-like, sayin': 'Dar's better times cumin' ahead— Jes' keep on er peggin' an' prayin', An ' nebber say die tell yer dead ! ' An' so, he'd keep tryin' an' tryin', But he couldn 't keep up a strong lick ; An' at las' had ter gib up hiz weepon An' lay down like a little chile, sick! "Den we dun de bes' wuck in de wull', sah, Ter bring him ag'in ter hisse'f, Ter keep his po' body awhile heah, An ' keep in hit hiz flickerin ' bref ; But I seed him dis wamnin' so po'ly, So thin, an' so pale, an' so bar', Dat I jes' tuck er holt on my heart-strings An played 'em f er all dat wuz dar ! "So I'se tuck all de munney I'd laid up Fer ter buy me my own Christmas gif ', An' boughten dis coat, good an' warm, sah, Fer ter gib my Ole Marster a lif ' ! I know he '11 be glad wid de cumf urt Hit '11 bring ter hiz weakly ole frame; SELECTED READINGS. lc* While me? — I kin skirmish eroun' heah, An' feel happy an' rich jes' de same! >> So went the old man on his mission As happy as ever a king, His heart beating holier music Than ever a mortal can sing. And though others may think that a nigger Has never the gift of a soul, He's got something will pass for its equal When Heaven shall call its last roll! —Atlanta Constitution. THIS MEANS YOU, GIRLS. Come here, Sis, and sit down beside me, and let me give you a little talking to. That is right. Sit clear at the other end of the sofa. It makes more room for my gout and corns, be- sides being a good habit for a young lady to become addicted to. Always pander to this habit, and you will in time find yourself walk- ing through green meadows and beside the still waters of self-respect. You may be walking alone, to be sure, but will have fewer lawn dresses to do up on Monday morning. I wish to speak to you of your mother. It may be you have noticed a careworn look upon her face lately. Of course it has not been brought there by any act of yours, still it is your duty to chase it away. I don't mean for you to run at it and shake your skirts, and tell it to "shoo," as 14 COMIC RECITATIONS. you would a hen, nor do I expect you to get on the other side of the fence and throw old oyster cans and pieces of barrel staves at it, as you did at the cow yesterday. But I want you to get up to-morrow morning and get breakfast, and when your mother comes down and begins to express her surprise go right up to her and kiss her on the mouth. You don't imagine how it will brighten up her dear face. Besides, you owe her a kiss or two. Away back when you were a little girl she has kissed you when no one else was tempted by your fever-tainted breath and swollen face. You were not attract- ive then as you are now. And along through those years of childish sunshine and shadow, she was ready to cure, by the magic of a mother's kiss, the little, dirty, chubby hands whenever they were injured in those first skir- mishes with the rough world. And then the midnight kisses with which she has routed so many bad dreams, as she leaned above your rest- less pillow, have all been on interest these long, long years. Of course, she is not pretty and kissable as you are, but if you had done your share of the work during these last ten years the contrast would not be so marked. Her face has more wrinkles than yours, far more, and yet if you were sick that face would appear to you to be more beautiful than an angel's as it hovered over you, watching every opportunity to minis- ter to your comfort, and every one of those wrinkles would be bright wavelets of sunshine; chasing each other over the dear old face. She SELECTED READINGS. 15 will leave you one of these days. Those bur- dens, if not lifted from her shoulders, will break her down. Those rough, hard hands that have done so many unnecessary things for you will be crossed upon her lifeless breast. Those neglected lips that gave you your firstbaby-kiss will be forever closed, and those sad, tired eyes will have opened in eternity, and then you will appreciate your mother, but it will be too late. There, there, don't cry; she has not left you yet. She is down in the kitchen, stringing beans for dinner. And after dinner you might do up the dishes while she takes a little nap. Then you might take down her hair and do it up for her. You need not wind it over your finger and fuss to make little spit-curls as you used to do with yours, but give it a good brush- ing, and wind it up gently and tenderly, as if you enjoyed doing it for her. The young man down in the parlor can wait until you have performed these duties. If he expresses any impatience, you may explain to him that you feel under more obligation to your mother than you do to him. If this does not seem to satisfy him, ask him how many times he has got up in the middle of the night to warm peppermint for you when you were dying with the colic, or how many hours he has carried you up and down th<' room just because you would not be quieted any other way. Ask him to repeat Mother Hub- bard backwards, and, if he is unable to do it, it will be proof positive that he is not the one who has repeated it and explained it to you 16 COMIC RECITATIONS. seventeen hundred times. Catechize him to find if he is the one who gave you the black silk dress, and sat up at night to make it while you were off having a good time. Corner him up and make him admit that he went without a new bonnet last winter that you might enjoy a twelve-dollar one that you admired so much. "Wring from him a confession that he has a stitch in his side brought there by doing up your finery week after week. Then show him out the front door, put on a calico apron, and help your mother pick currants for jelly, and I guar- antee you will think more of yourself, the world will think more of you, and you will be happier and better for having done so. Peck's Sun. EAMON. Drunk and senseless in his place, Prone and sprawling on his face, Uf ore like brute than any man Alive or dead — By his great pump out of gear. Lay the peon engineer, Waking only just to hear, Overhead, Angry tones that called his name, Oaths and cries of bitter blame- Woke to hear this, and waking, turned and fled ! SELECTED READINGS. IT < I ! 'To the man who'll bring to me," Cried Intendant Harry Lee— (Harry Lee, the English foreman of the mine- " Bring the sot, alive or dead, I will give him," he said, "Fifteen hundred pesos down, Just to get the rascal's crown Underneath this heel of mine; Since but death Deserves the man whose deed Be it vice or want of heed, Stops the pumps that give us breath, Stops the pumps that suck the death From the poisoned lower levels of the mine!" No one answered, for a cry From the shaft rose up on high ; And shuffling, scrambling from below Came the miners each, the bolder Mounting on the weaker 's shoulder, Grappling, clinging to their hold or Letting go, As the weaker gasped and fell From the ladder to the well- To the poisoned pit of hell Down below! "To the man who sets them free," Cried the foreman, Harry Lee — Harry Lee, the English foreman of the mine- " Brings them out, and sets them free, I will give thai man," said he, "Twice thai sum, who with a rope, 18 COMIC RECITATIONS. Face to face with death shall cope, Let him come who dares to hope!" ' ' Hold your peace ! ' ' some one replied, Standing by the foreman 's side ; "There has one already gone, whoe'er he be!" Then they held their breath with awe, Pulling on the rope, and saw Fainting figures reappear, On the blaGk rope swinging clear, Fastened by some skilful hand from below; Till a score the level gained, And but one alone remained— He the hero and the last, He whose skilful hand made fast The long line that brought them back to hope and cheer. Haggard, gasping, down dropped he At the feet of Harry Lee — Harry Lee, the English foreman of the mine : "I have come," he gasped, "to claim Both rewards. Senor, my name Is Ramon ! I'm the drunken engineer— I'm the coward, Senor — " Here He fell over by that sign Dead as stone ! Bret Harte. SELECTED READINGS. 19 UNCLE JOEL ON PEDDLERS. I heard Uncle Joel talking loudly with a man carrying a peddler's outfit and dressed in a summer hat, a light-weight suit, low shoes and a two- weeks' beard, near the steps leading to the Maiden Lane bridge, yesterday, but did not arrive upon the scene until they had separated. "Dat ar man," said the old gentleman, in explanation, "interduced hisself an' wanted me ter buy a set ob fish-hooks. I tole 'im dat I neb- bah bo't fish-hooks in de fall, an' dat I gen'ly sabed time, money and bait by doin' my fishin' at de fish-maakit. Den he wanted me fo' ter pu 'chase a yaller neck-xie. I ain't got no mo' use fo' a neck-tie dan a locomotive hez for a side-saddle, an' tole 'im so. Den he come out wid a bottle ob ointmen' dat he war willin' fo' ter warrant wud cuah corns, destroy salt rheum, remedy dyspepsha, antidote bad digestion, check debility, dispel low speerits, restoah de stumick, curb dis'onesty, correc' bad habits, help de nose-bleed, demolish onnat'rel wakefulness, ginyrate energy, heal bad feelin's, presarve de eyesight, break up de chills, scattah malery, an- ni'late cataa, quench de thirst, extripate ole soahs, extingwish pimples, slay boils, an' in shawt, 'radycate fo'fif 's ob de ailments ob man- kin'. I looked at 'im in s 'prise, an' remaaked, fustly, dat ef I had haff de diseases 'numyrated, he cud make mo' money my peddlin' me a coffin; secon'ly, dat his ointmen' had too many i'ons in de fiah ter do a good job ob healin' ob any kin': thirdly, dat it war agin my principles 20 COMIC RECITATIONS. fo' ter pu 'chase remedies in advance ob illness. A man can kin go afoot an' nebbah feel hit, yit de moment he gits a hoss wanter ride all de time; an' hits de same way wid medsen; yo' git a bottle an' hang hit up in de pantry, an' widin' fo' weeks yo'll 'magin, dat yo'm got eb'ry symptom ob illness described on de label ob de bottle. Fo'thly, I tole de man dat I didn' hab any money ter buy wid; an' whadder yo' 'spose de man did den? He wanted me ter buy a pocket-book. Ez Shakespar sez, some men are bo'n foolish, some achieve foolishness, and oddahs hab foolishness frust 'pon dem. I t 'ought dat jis' den I war habbin' foolishness frust 'pon me, an' commenced fo' ter talk ter dat pedlah wid loud langwidge. I tole 'im dat a man w'o 'spected fo' ter make a libbin' by pedlin', awter lay in a stock ob judgment fo' his own use. A man can't sell ingyuns an' eah- rings in de same tone ob voice, sah, any mo' dan a black hen kin lay a cullud egg. He's gotter know w'o he's talkin' to an' w'at a man am 'pa'rently in need ob. He can't 'spec' fo' ter dispose ob a pocket-book ter a man w'o a 'n't got no money, enny mo' don he kin ter sell a box ob papah collahs ter a cigar-stoah injin, er a ring-bone spavined canal hoss ter a Vanderbilt, er a spyglass ter a blin' man. But," continued the old gentleman cooling down a little, "ez de good book sez, yo' musn' 'spec' fo' ter pluck grapes f 'om a crab-apple tree, nor figs f 'om thistles, an' I (loan' s'pose dat ar pedlah er ter blame fo' w'at he doan' know. He wucks 'corf 1 SELECTED READINGS. 21 in' ter his light, an' ef 'is light er dim, he de- sarves pity ruddah dan sensha. Hit takes all kin's o' people ter make an interestin' wol'. Ef eberybody war jis' like his nabah, dis life 'ud be ez monytoneus ez an en 'less journey 'longside ob a picket- fence fo' foot high. Ef I'd tho't de mattah obah, sah, befo' I got excited, I'd ha' advised dat pedlah ter change his ockypashen. He'll nebbah git erlong in dat business. Ef de 'bility ter tote a pack roun' war all dat's neces- sary f o ' ter make a pedlah, he mought succeed ; but mo' dan dat er needed. Ez my faddah uster tole me, w'en I 'splayed a laage anxiety ez ter de prospeks ob haar on my face, 'My son, ef a beard war all dat's necessary, a goat cud run fo' offis.' " Albany Argus. UNCLE CEPHAS' YARN. "Talking of preachers," said Caleb Parker, "reminds me of a story they tell of Uncle Cep- has Bascom, of North-haven. Uncle Cephas was a shoemaker, and he never went to sea much, only to anchor his skiff in the Narrows abreast of his house, and catch a mess of scup, or to pole a load of salt-hay from Sanquitt Island. But he used to visit his married daughter, in Vermont, and up there they knew he come from the seaboard, and they used to call him 'Captain Bascom.' So, one time when he was there, they held a Sabbath school concert, and nothing would 22 COMIC RECITATIONS. do but 'Captain Bascom' must talk to the boys\ and tell a sea-yarn, and draw a moral, the way the Deacon, here, does," The Deacon gravely smiled, and stroked his beard. "Well, Uncle Cephas was ruther pleased with his name of 'Captain Bascom,' and he didn't like to go back on it, and so he flaxed round to git up some- thing. It seems he had heard a summer boarder talk in Sabbath-school, at North-haven; he told how a poor boy minded his mother, and then got to tend store, and then kep' store himself, and then he jumped it on them: 'That poor boy,' says he, 'nows stands before you.' So Uncle Cephas thought him up a similar yarn. Well, he had never spoke in meeting before, and he hemmed and hawed some, but he got on quite well while he was telling about a certain poor boy, and all that, and how the boy when he grew up was out at sea, in an open boat, and saw a great sword-fish making for the boat Hail Columbia, and bound to stave right through her and sink her, and how this man he took an oar, and give it a swing, and broke the critter's sword square off; and then Uncle Cephas— he'd begun to git a little flustered, he stopped short, and waved his arms, and says he, 'Boys, what do you think? That sword- fish now stands before you!' "I cal'late that brought the house down." Century Magazine. SELECTED READINGS. 23 HIS LOVE. It was evening in the country. The moon- beams peeped softly between the leaves of the pulseless elm, and kissed the song-birds lost in happy dreams. The rose and the lily were asleep, so were the parsnip and the string-bean, and all the amorous air was toned with languid scent to the sublime altitude of a swell drug store. They were walking up the shady avenue from the village whither he had taken her to prove his boundless admiration and love at a five cent so< la- water fountain. "No," he commenced, for he knew they were getting near her vine-clad cottage, and he hadn't much time to lose, ' ' my love for you shall never wane, wilt, or grow less. With you I shall sail through life as tranquilly as over a placid moon- lit lake in a flat-bottomed boat, with a virtuoso at the stern playing the ' Old Folks at Home, ' on an accordion. You are my evening star this evening and every other evening, and you shall have a seal-skin sacque every Christmas. ' ' She clutched his ready-made coat— or rather its sleeve— in a wild ecstacy of ineffable de- light, while he continued: "You are the sweet particular idol of my life, and I shall take you to the circus next week. My love for you burns like a dollar in a poet's pocket; it also burns like yon snowy star, and not till that goes out—" "It has just gone out," she broke in. "Alas, too true!" he sighed. "I have been Bwearing by a Fourth of July balloon." 24 COMIC RECITATIONS. And he didn't say another word until he good- nighted at the gate. ME AND MY DOG. From Harper's Weekly. My mother oft said to me, ''Jamie my boy, There's naebody better than Lizzie McCoy; She thrifty and thoughtful, affectionate, gay; She has land of her ain, and she's gold put away. ' ' And still I made answer, "Let that notion pass I could never marry sae hamely a lass." But one summer night as I went through the wheat, Wi' Pepper, my collie dog, close at my feet (For seldom without him I care for a step, And there's few folks I like as I like little Pep), I met Miss McCoy out alane for a walk, And so we forgathered and fell into talk. And then I told of her Pep, and Pep's clever ways ; And she listened sae fain and sae pleased to his praise ; She patte his head, said he 'd beautiful eyes, Syne spoke of his color, his gait, and size, Till I thought to mysel', for a journey through life, Such a sensible girl would mak' a good wife. SELECTED READINGS. 25 I thought for a week; then Pepper and I Sauntered round by McCoy's; I hardly knew why, Till I saw Lizzie standing sae trig and sae neat, And she spake baith to Pep and his master sae sweet I was fain to stay supper; and what do you think?— She gave to my dog baith a bone and a drink. After that we went regular, Pepper and I, And I'm sure that the clever wee collie knew why; He would lick Lizzie's hand, and look up in my face, And I think it was Pepper that won me my case : For once, when he did so, I found heart to say The words that made Lizzie my ain from that day. Neighbors talked, and they wondered, and young Patty Grace Flung her bright golden ringlets a'maist in my face ; Some called Lizzie hamely, some said she was old. And some, J had wed her for siller arid gold. But Lizzie and I have been a happy hearth-stone, And Pepp*r is sure of his mat and his bone. Then, lasses, tak tent, if your lover you'd please, Be kind iwji'j to your dog, you may tell her your mind, 26 COMIC RECITATIONS. But still just remember, what's equally true, If she likes not your dog, ten to one she likes you. DER OAK UND DER VINE. From Harper's Magazine. I don'd vas preaching voman's righdts, Or anyding like dot; Und I like to see all beoples Shust gondented mid dheir lot; Budt I vants to gontradict dot shap Dot made dis leedle shoke : "A voman vas der glinging vine, Und man der shturdy oak. ' ' Berhaps, somedimes, dot may pe drue; Budt, den dimes oudt of nine, I find me oudt dot man himself Vas peen der glinging vine ; Und vhen hees frendts dhey all vas gone, Und he vas shust "tead proke," Dot's vhen der voman shteps righdt in, Und peen der shturdy oak. Shust go oup to der pase-ball groundts Und see dhose ' ' shturdy oaks, ' ' All planted roundt ubon der seats — Shust hear dheir laugs und shokes ! Dhen see dhose vomens at der tubs, Mit glothes oudt on der lines ; Vhich vas der shturdy oaks, mine frendts, Und vhich der glinging vines? SELECTED READINGS. 27 Vhen Sickness in der householdt comes, Und veeks und veeks he shtays, Who vas id fighdts him mitoudt resdt, Dhose veary nighdts und days? "Who beace und gomfort alvays prings, Und cools dot fefered prow? More like id vas der tender vine Dot oak he glings to now. "Man vants budt leedle here pelow," Der boet von time said ; "Dhere's leedle dot man he don'd vant," I dink id means inshted ; Und vhen der years keep rolling on, Dheir cares und droubles pringing, He vants to pe der shturdy oak, Und, also, do der glinging. Maype, vhen oaks dhey giing some more, Und don'd so shturdy peen, Der glinging vines dhey haf some chance To helb run Life's masheen. In helt und sickness, shoy und pain, In calm or shtormy veddher, 'Tvas beddher dot dhese oaks und vines Should alvays gling togedher. Chable« Follen Adams. A SCIENTIFIC PARTY. A short time ago a delegation of eminently learned and scientific men from one of the East- ern colleges went out to the Pacific coast to ex- 28 COMIC RECITATIONS. amine the specimens of petrified wood abound- ing in the Saeremento valley. An old hunter and trapper, styled Coonskin Joe, familiar with the localities in which the fin- est specimens were to be found, was employed as guide. If there is any class of humanity for whom Joe has no respect, it is what he terms "the tender- footed, kid-glove, city chaps," and so, after leading the party through deserted gulches and over unsteady boulders for some hours, and hearing little but long, and to him meaningless words, he became thoroughly dis- gusted, and lost no opportunity to testify his con- tempt for their paroxysms of ecstasy which burst forth every time they found what they re- garded as a valuable contribution to their cabi- nets of natural curiosities. At length one of the scientists stumbled upon a rare specimen which threw the whole party into profound amazement— petrified them, as it were. To the insignificant little piece of petrified wood no bigger than a man's hand they gave a name a foot long, and wrapped it around twice and tucked it in at both ends. Joe who labored under an aggravating imped- iment of speech, could hold in no longer. Break- ing out in his stuttering way, he said : "W— w— why, up a y — yonder in th — them m — m — mountains the — th — th — ar's a — a — wh — w — w— whole forest of t — t— t — trees, an— an— and every o— o— one of th— them is p— p— p— p peetrified." SELECTED READINGS. 29 The party looked surprised. "Y— y— yes, an— and th— thar's a— a— a — hunter up thar a— a— a— shootin gan eagle, and that h— h— hunter is p— p— p— p— peetrified." One of the party ventured to suggest that Joe was laboring under an erroneous impression re- garding the nature of petrification. "X— n— no, I'm not n — n — nother; th— the smth — smth— smoke f— from t— that hunter's gun is a— a— as th — thick up th — thar as a— a— a fog o—o— on a— a— a June morning, a— and its p—p—p—p— peetrified. Y— y— yes, a— and th— that eagle's as still up th— thar with his w— w — w^-wings sp—sp— spread ou— out a — as if he had gone to— to— to— to sleep in th— the air, and he's p—p—p—p— peetrified." "Oh! my dear fellow," said another of the party, "that is impossible. Such a phenomenon is contrary to the laws of gravitation. The force of gravity acts instantaneously, and when a bird or any object is no longer sustained by its own or some other power, it at once falls to the earth. ' ' Joe seemed dazed for a moment, but he was not to be switched off by any scientific obstruc- tion. Gathering himself for another verbal struggle, he gasped : "W— w — w— wall, th— that m— m— may be s —so u—u—un— under or— ordinary circum- stances, but —but gravitation up th— thar is p —p—p—p—pe— peetrified." I. H. Brown. 30 COMIC RECITATIONS. THE SMACK IN SCHOOL. A district school, not far away, 'Mid Berkshire hills, one winter's day, Was humming with its wonted noise Of three-score mingled girls and boys. Some few upon their tasks intent, But more on furtive mischief bent. The while the master's downward look Was fastened on a copy-book ; When suddenly, behind his back, Rose sharp and clear a rousing smack ! As 'twas a battery of bliss Let off in one tremendous kiss ! " What's that?" the startled master cries; "That, thir," a little imp replies, "Wath William Willith, if you pleathe- I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe ! ' ' With frown to make a statue thrill, The master thundered, ''Hither, Will!" Like wretch o'ertaken in his track, With stolen chattels on his back, Will hung his head in fear and shame. And to the awful presence came— A great, green, bashful simpleton, The butt of all good natured fun. With smile suppressed, and birch upraised, The threatener faltered— "I'm amazed That you my biggest pupil, should Be guilty of ,an act so rude, Before the whole set school to boot— What evil genius put you to't?" " 'Twas she herself, sir," sobbed the lad, "I did not mean to be so bad; SEI.ECTED READINGS. 31 But when Susannah shook her curls, And whispered I was 'fraid of girls, And dursn't kiss a baby's doll, I couldn't stand it sir, at all. But up and kissed her on the spot ! I know— boo-hoo— I ought to not, But, somehow, from her looks-boo-hoo- I thought she kind o' wished me to! YAS BENDER HENSPECKED? Von Boyle. Any shentleman vot vill go around peWnd vour face und talk in front of your back about hornet nigs! ™ a shvindler. I heard dot Brown says veek pefore next apout me I vas a hen- shpecked husband. Dot vas a he! De proof of the eating vas in de puddings; I am married tventy years already, until I vas yet not paid headed . I don't vas oonder some pettygoate coferments; shtill I tinks it vas petter if a feller St mit his vif e und got her advises apout ^D^m American' vomans don't know sometings nefer apout his huspand's peesness, mid vhen dim hart times comes, und not so much money coSes in de house, dot makes not some ^tafferenc mit her. Shtill she moost have vone of dot puli- pack-in-de-front hoop-skirt-pettygoats ^ ovorv kind trimmings. Pooty soon dot hus- pand gets pankerupted all to pieces. Dey sends for de doctor; und ven de doctor comes de man 32 COMIC RECITATIONS. dies. Den dot vomans vas opliged to marry mit anoder mans vot she don't maype like, mit four or six shildrens on account of his first wife al- ready, und possobly vone or two mudder-by law vone second-handed, und de oder a shtep-mud- der-out-law. Den she says mit herself, "I efen vish dot I vas dead a little." Now if a Cherman goes dead, dot don't make a pit of tifference. Nopody vould hardly know it, except maybe himself. His vife goes mit de business on, shust like notings has happened to somepody. American vomans and Cherman vomans vas a tifferent kind of peobles. For inshtinct, last year dot same feller, Mr. Brown, goes mit me in der putcher peesnes togeder. He vas American man— so vas his vife. Veil, many times ven efery peobles has got de panic pooty bad, dot vo- mans comes to her huspant und says she moost have mone. Den she goes out riding mit a car- riages. Vonce on a time, Brown says to me, ' ' Bender, I wouldn't be henshpecked. " So he vent off und got himself tight— shust pecause his vife tells him, blease don't do dot. Den he sits down on his pack mit de floer ; und if I am not dere dot time he never vould got home. Veil, dot night, me und my vife, ve had a lit- tle talk apout somedings ; und de next tay I says to Brown, "Look here vonst! My vife she makes sausages und vorks in dot shtore ; also my dauther she vorks py de shtore und makes head- sheeses; und your vife vas going out riding all SELECTED READINGS. 33 de times mit de horse-car, und a patent-tiecl-pack cardinal shtriped shtockings. Now your vife moost go vork in de shtore und cut peefshte^ks. und make sauer-kraut, or else ve divide not equally any more dot profits. Veil, Brown goes home und tells his vife apout dot. Den she comes pooty quick mit Brown around, und ve had a misundershtanding apout sometings, in vich eferypody took a part, in- eluding my leetle dog Kaiser. Pooty soon up conies a policemans und arrests us for breeches of promis to keep de pieces, und assaulting de battery, or sometings. Den the firm of Bender & Brown vas proke up. I go apout my peesness und Brown goes mit his peesness. My vife she helps in de shtore. His vife goes riding mit de horse-car, und efery nights she vas py de the- atre. Vats de gonsequences ? Along comes comes dot Centennial panic. Dot knocks Brown more higher as two kites, py Chimminy! My income vas shtill more as my outcome. But Brown, he goes 'round dot shtreet mit his hands out of his pockets, und he don't got a cent to his back. TASTE. Sittin' around the stove last night, Down at Wess' store, was me And Mart Strirnplcs, Tunk, and White, And Doe Bills and two or three Fellers of the Mudsock tribe No use tryin to describe, 34 COMIC RECITATIONS. And says, Doc, he says, says he : "Talkin' 'out good things to eat, Ripe mushmillion 's hard to beat." I chawed on. And Mart he 'low'd Watermillion beat the mush, "Red," he says, "and juicy— hush! I'll just leave it to the crowd." Then a Mudsock chap, says he: "Punkin's good enough for me — Punkin pies, I mean," he says. Them beat 'millions. What says Wess?" < i I chawed on. And Wess says, "Well, You just fetch that wife of mine All your watermillion rine, And she'll boil it down a spell — In with sorghum, I suppose— And what else Lord only knows ! But I'm here to tell all hands, Them p 'serves meet my demands." I chawed on. And White he says, "Well, I'll jes' stand in with Wess— I 'm no hog ! ' ' and Tunk says, ' ' I Guess I'll pastur' out on pie With the Mursock boys ! ' ' says he ; "Now what's yourn?" he says to me, I chawed on — fer— quite a spell. Then I speaks slow and dry, "Jes' tobacker!" I says I, And you orto heard 'm yell ! J. Wiiitcomb Riley. SELECTED READINGS. 35 PETER SORGHUM IN LOVE. Alf. Burnett. One day Sail fooled me ; she heated the poker awful hot, then asked me to stir the fire. I seized hold of it mighty quick to oblige her, and dropped it quicker to oblige myself. AVell, after the poker scrape, me and Sail only got on middlin' well for some time, till I made up my mind to pop the question, for I loved her hard- er every day, and I had an idee she loved me or had a sneaking kindness for me. But how to do the thing up nice and rite pestered me orful. I bought some love books, and read how the fel- lers git down onter their knees and talk like poets, and how the girls would gently-liKe fall in love with them. Butsomehow or other that way didn't kinder suit my notion. I asked mam how she and dad courted, but she said it had been so long she had forgotten all about it. Uncle Joe said mam did all the courting. At last I made up my mind to go it blind, for this thing was fairly consumin' my mind; so I goes over to her dad's, and when I got there I sot like a fool, thinkin' how to begin. Sail seed somethin' was troublin' me, so she said, says she, "Ain't you sick, Peter?" She said this mighty soft-like. ' ' Yes ! No ! " sez I ; " that is, I ain 't zackly well; I thought I'd come over to-night," sez I. I tho't that was a mighty party begin- ning so 1 tried agin., "Sail," sez I— and by this time I felt kinder faintly about the stommuck, and shakily about the knees— "Sail" sez I. 36 COMIC RECITATIONS. "What?" sez she." Sail," sez I again. "What?" sez she. I'll get to it arter a while at this rate, thinks I. ' i Peter, ' ' says she, ' ' there 's somethin ' troublin' you; 'tis mighty wrong for you to keep it from a body, for an inward sorrer is consumin' fire." She said this, she did, the sly critter. She knowed what was the matter all the time mighty well, and was only tryin' to fish it out, but I was so far gone I couldn't see the point. At last I sorter gulped down the big lump a-risin' in my throat, and says I, sez I, 4 4 Sail, do you love anybody ? " " Well, ' ' sez she, "there's dad and mam," and a countin of her fingers all the time, with her eyes sorter shet like a feller shootin' off a gun, "and there's old Pide (that were their old cow,) and I can't think of anybody else just now, ' ' says she. Now, this was 6rf ul for a feller dead in love ; so arter a while I tried another shute. Sez I, "Sail," sez I, "I'm powerful lonesome at home, and sometimes think if I only had a nice pretty wife, to love and talk to, move, and have my bein' with, I'd be a tremendous feller." Sez I, "Sail, do you know any gal would keer for me!" With that she begins, and names over all the gals for five miles around, and never once comes nigh naming herself, and sed I orter git one of them. This sorter got my dander up, so I hitched my cheer up close to her, and shet my eyes and sed, "Sall, you are the very girl I've been hanker- ing arter for a long time. I luv you all over, from the sole of your head to the crown of your foot, and I don 't care who nos it, and if you say SELECTED READINGS. 37 so we'll be jined together in the holy bonds of hemlock, Epluribusunum, world without end, amen!" sez L; and then I felt like I'd throwed up an alligator, I felt so relieved. With that she fetched a sorter scream, and arter a while sez, sez she, "Peter!" "What, Sally?" sez I. "Yes!" sez she, a hidin' of her face behind her hands. You bet a heap I felt good. ' ' Glory ! glory ! " sez I, " I must holler, Sail, or I shall bust, Hoorah for hoorah! I can jump over a ten-rail fence!" With that I sot rite down by her and clinched the bargain with a kiss. Talk about your blackberry jam; talk about your sugar and merlasses; you wouldn't a got me nigh 'em— they would all a been sour arter that. Oh ! these gals ! how good and bad, how high and low they do make a feller feel ! If Sail's daddy hadn't sung out 'twas time all honest folks was abed, I'd a sot there two hours longer. You oughter have seen me when I got home! I pulled dad out of bed and hugged him! I pulled mam out of bed and hugged her ! I pulled Aunt Jane out of bed and hugged her. I larfed and hollered, crowed like a rooster, danced around there and cut up more capers than you ever heard tell on till dad thought I was erazy, and got a rope to tie me with. "Dad" sez I, "I'm goin' to be married! 1 ' Married ! ' ' bawled dad. ' ' Married ! ' ' squalled mam. "Married!" screamed Aunt Jane. "Yes. married," sez I; "married all over, married for sure, married like a flash— joined in wedlock, hooked on for life, for worser or for bettor, for 38 COMIC RECITATIONS. life and for death— to Sall/ I am that very thing— me! Peter Sorghum, Esquire!'' With that I up and tells 'em all about it, from Alfer to Ermeger! They were all mighty well pleased, and I went to bed as proud as any young rooster with his first spurs. THE IRISHMAN'S PANORAMA. Jas. Burdette. Irish dialect : Conversational tones. Ladies and Gintlemins In the foreground over there yez'll observe Vinegar Hill, an' should yer be goin' by that way some day yer moight be fatigued, an' if ye are yer' 11 foind at fut of the hill a nate little cot kept by a man named McCarty, who, by the way, is as foine a lad as you'll mate in a day's march. I see by the hasp on the door that McCarty is out, or I'd take yez in an' introduce yez. A foine, ginerous, noble feller is this McCarty. Shure an' if he had but the wan peratie he'd give yes the half of that, and phat 's more, he 'd thank ye for taking it. (James, move the crank! Larry, music on the bag-pipes!) Ladies and Gintlemin : We 've now arrived at a beautiful spot, situated about twenty miles this side of Limerick. To the left over there a lady and gintlemin: well, as I was goin' that way wan day, I heard the following conversa- tion betwixt him and her. Says she to him: SELECTED READINGS. 39 "James, it's a shame for j^er-to be tratin' me so; d'ye moind the time yer used to come to me father's castle a-beggin'?" "Yez father's castle —me ? "Well, thin ! ye could shtand on the out- side of yer father's castle, an' stick yer arm down the chimney an' pick praties out of the pot, an' niver a partition betwixt you and the pigs but straw." (Move the crank, etc.) Ladies and Gintlemin : AVe have now ar- rived at the beautiful an' classical lakes of Kil- larney. There's a curious legend connected wid dese lakes that I must relate to you. It is, that every evenin' at four o'clock in the afternoon a beautiful swan is seen to make its appearance, an' while movin' transcendentally an' glidelessly along, ducks its head, skips under the water, an' you'll not see him till the next afternoon. (Turn the crank, etc.) Ladies and Gintlemin : We have now arrived at another beautiful spot, situated about thir- teen and a half miles this side of Cork. This is a great place, noted for sportsmin. Wanst, while sthoppin' over there at the hotel de Fin- ney, the following tilt of a conversation occurred betwixt Mr. Muldooney, the waiter and rae- silf. I says to him. says I, "Mully, old by, will you have the kindness In fetch me the mus- tard?" and he was a long time bringin' it, so I opportuned him for kapin' me. An' says he to me, says he, "Mr. McCune" (that's me), "I notice that you take a -rale deal of mustard wid your mate." "I do," says I. Says he, "I notice you take a blame Bight of mate wid your mus- 40 COMIC RECITATIONS. tard." (Move the crank! Larry, "Finnigan's Wake.") Ladies and Gintlemin: We now skip acrost the broad Atlantic to a wonderful sphot in America, situated a few miles from Chinchin- natti, called the Falls of Niagara. While lin- gerin' here wan day, I saw a young couple, evi- dently very sweet on aich other. Av coorse I tuk no notice of phat they were sayin', but I couldn't help listenin' to the following extraor- dinary conversation. Says he to her: "Isn't it wonderful to see that tremendous amount of water comin' down over that terrible preci- pice." "Yes darlin," says she, "but wouldn't it be far more wonderful to see the same tre- mendous body of water a-goin' up the same precipice?" (Music on the pipes.) FRITZ'S COURTSHIP. Yaw! yust I vas one happy mans, I laugh mineself to pits ; Mine vife, she vants ve call him Hans, I dinks ve call him Fritz. Dot vas our papy ! F-r-i-t-z dot vas speldt; Dot vas mine name you see ; Ven I vas younk, undt got no geldt, Hans don 'dt got love vor me. Dot vos mine vater-in-law ! SELECTED READINGS. 41 Von tay I go to loogk apoudt, To hundt me vor a blace ; I meedt one vraulein valkin oudt Dot haf a bretty vace. Dot vas Katarina! I stob mit her to dalk a pit, She loogk at me— dis vay; I vas hire oudt her vater mit To help him make der hay. Dot vas peesness! Katarina she vos vork mit me, She sbread de hay I cudt, Undt ven I stob to loogk at she, Her sheeks got redt like bludt. Dot vos paslivulness ! Ve valk oudt ven de moon vas shine; Ve see dose stars apove; I dakes her leedle handt in mine— She loogks mit me vit lofe Dot vas vlirtations ! I holdts her vaist, I don'dt can speak, She loogks right in mine vace, Und pudt her headt yust on mine cheek — Katarina like dot blace. Dot-vas nice! Ven, ach ! somebody come aroundt who ilon Ml vos dere ve know Dot dakes Katarina py de gowndt Un'lt jake her up— yust so. Dot vas mini' niutter-in-law. 42 COMIC RECITATIONS. Den Hans he come, Katarina's dadt, Undt yust he loogk at me ; Mine Gott in Himmel ! he vas madt As I vas nefer see. Dot vas hoffle ! He say: "Katarina, go to pedt;" He sehlap his handt mine ear; Ach! I yust standt him on his headt. Uudt den I vas come here. Dot vos sensibleness. A leedle paker shop I puy. Vor I vas come to sday. Katarina write dot she vas die; Vor dot I gone avay. Dot vas mit sorrowvulness ! I sendt her geldt, undt she vas come Right off avay mit joy, Undt now ve got a splendidt home — Ve haf a paby boy. Dot vas happiness! E. J. Hall. THE EMANCIPATION OF MAN. Robert J. Burdett. She looked just like that kind of a woman when she came into the sanctum, and all the seniors became instinctively very busy and so absorbed in their work that they did not see her, which left the youngest man on the staff an easj prey, for he looked at the visitor with a little SELECTED READINGS. 43 natural politeness, and was even soft enough to offer her a chair. "You are the editor," she said, in a deep, bass voice. He tried to say ' ' Yes, ' ' so that she could hear him, while his colleagues in the sanctum couldn't; but it was a failure, for the woman gave him dead away in a minute. "You are!" she shouted, "then listen to me; look at me ; what am I ? " The foolish youngest man looked at her tim- idly and ventured to say, in a feeble voice, that she "looked to be about forty-seven—" "Am I not a woman?" she said. The youngest young man meekly tried to cor- rect his former error, and said she seemed more like a girl — But again she broke in on him with a scornful hiss: "Gir-r-r-1!' she said; "I am a woman! A woman with all the heaven-born aspirations, the fathomless feelings, the aggressive courage and the indomitable will of a woman. What can you see on my face ? ' ' The position of the youngest man on the staff was pitiable, but none of the old heads appeared to observe it. At least they didn't offer to help him out. Ho he looked at her face for a second and said, timidly : "Freckl-" ' "Nurseling!" she shrieked; "hnd you the Boleful eyes of a free man you could sec shin- 44 COMIC RECITATIONS. ing on my brow the rising light of a brighter day." "Could I?" asked the youngest man. timidly. "Yes, you could I!" the woman said in tones of immeasurable scorn. "Now hear me, have you a— but I cannot bring myself to use that hateful expression in the style of masculine pos- session; are you anybody's husband?" The youngest man blushed bitterly, and said he wasn't as yet, but he had some hopes— "And you expect your— that is, you expect the woman whose husband you will be, to sup- port you?" The youngest man blushed more keenly than before and tremblingly admitted that he had some expectations— that— that— the only daugh- ter of his proposed father-in-law, if he might put it in that way— "Yah," snarled the woman; "now let me tell you the day of woman's emancipation is at hand. From this time we are free for— ree ! You must look for other slaves to bend and cringe before your majesties, and wait upon you like slaves. You will feel the change in your affairs since we have burst our chains, and how will you live without the aid of women? Who makes your shirts now?" she added hereby. The youngest man miserably said a tailor on Jefferson street made his. "Hm," said the woman somewhat disconcert- ed. "Well, who washes 'em, then?" she added triumphantly. "A Chinaman, just west of Fifth street," the SELECTED READINGS. 45 youngest man said, with a hopeful light in his eyes. The woman glared at him and groaned under her breath, but she came at him again with : "Proud worm, who cooks your victuals?' 1 The youngest man said truly that he didn't know the name of the cook at his restaurant, but he was a man about forty years old, and as round as a barrel, with whiskers like the stuffing of a sofa. The woman looked as though she was going to strike him. "Well," she said, as one who was leading a forlorn hope, "who makes up your bed and takes care of your room?" The youngest man replied with an air of truth and frankness that he roomed with a railroad conductor, and an ex-Pullman sleeping car port- er took care of their room. She paused when she reached the door, and turned upon him with the face of a drowning man who is only five feet away from a life buoy. "Miserable dependent," she cried, "who sews on your buttons?" The youngest man on the staff rose to his feet with a proud, happy look on his face. "Haven't sewed a button on a single clothes," he cried triumphantly, "patents, every one of 'em, fastened on like cooper rivets and nothing but studs and collar-buttons on my shirts. Haven't had a button sewed on for three years. Patent buttons last for years after the garments have gone to decay." And the woman fled down Ihc winding passage 46 COMIC RECITATIONS. ard the labyrinthine stairs with a hollow groan while the other members of the staff, breaking through their heroic reserve, elusteml around "the youngest man and congratulated him upon the emancipation of his sex. TRIALS OF A TWIN. In form and feature, face and limb, I grew so like my brother. That folks got taking me for him. And each for one another. It puzzled all our kith and kin, It reached a fearful pitch; For one of us was born a twin, And not a soul knew which. One day, to make the matter worse, Before our names were fixed, As we were being washed by nurse, We got completely mixed ; And thus, you see, by fate's decree, Or rather nurse's whim, My brother John got christened me, And I got christened him. This fatal likeness ever dogged My footsteps when at school, And I was always getting flogged, When John turned out a fool. I put this question, fruitlessly, SELECTED READINGS, 47 To every one I knew, ""What would you do, if you were me, To prove that you were you?" Our close resemblance turned the tide Of my domestic life, For somehow, my intended bride Became my brother's wife. In fact, year after year the same Absurd mistakes went on, And when I died, the neighbors came And buried brother John. DE REV. PLATO JOHNSON ON FREE SIR- KELATIN' LIBERIES. From the Independent." * * * "Third, an' lass, de eirkelatin' libery muss be kep' open on Sundays, or it ain't no good. Dere ain't no use in openin' a libery for de pore wen nobody can cum to it, an' shet- tin' it tight when ebberybody wants ter go in. Dat is a solemn fac'. Sum folks is werry sensi- tive on dis pjnt ; but there ain't no sense in bein' so pertikler 'bout little tings dat you forgit all 'bout de big tings; no use in killin' a muskeeter an' hit in' a roarin' lion go roun' loose. De ob.jee' ol> ligion is to save souls; and cf you is in dead 'arnest 'bout dat work, you won'1 stop to ask w;i1 day ob the week it. is. De debhil don' slut up his shop cos its Sunday, 'cos dat is his 48 COMIC RECITATIONS. big day; an' you 'ligious people, you jest mind dat you don' help him to make it a big day by bein' too narrer. Lots ob good people help de debbil widout knowin' it. Dat is anodder sol- ium fac'. My 'pinion is dat ef you opens dat libery on de Sunday, an' invites all de poor to cum in an' git a book so interestin' dat dey won't want ter go out an' git a drink, de fuss pusson dat will make a row 'bout it an' say 'tain't rite will be de ole gen'leman hisself wat lives below. Cos wy? Cos he 'pends on two tings to increase de tide ob immigration into his settlement— namely, fust, de 'pravity ob human natur', an' next, de bigotry ob de good man, who is so 'termined to walk zacly straight dat he sumtimes bends backwards in tryin' to do it. De man wat libs on de avenue has a free libery ob his own, only it don't cirkelate. On Sunday afternoon when he don't know wat ter do wid hisself— dat is mose ebbery Sunday afternoon- he jess takes down a book an' he don' fell dat de Lord will lay it up agin' him. Ef it warn't fer clat book, de rich man would order out his hosses an ' hev a canter on the bullyvard. He hez been so busy dat he jes go crazy ef he don ' hev sumfin ter do. Well, now, de poor man hez jes ez good a rite ter go crazy, 'nless yer giv him sumfin ter do, ez der rich man. 'Tain't rite fer de good people ob dis city to wink at the rich man, who hez a libery ob his own, an' den scowl at de poor man cos he wants a cirkelatin' libery. De only difference is dat in de one case de deed am done on de sly, an' in de odder it's got to be done on SELECTED READINGS. 49 de open an' 'bove board. I says, derfore, an' fer de reasons 'fore-mentioned, by all means let us rich men, wat has steady incums, bild dose liber- ies an' den swing de doors wide open, an hev a doormat wid de word 'Welcum' onto it, Sun- days an' all, an' den 'ligion will go 'bout dom good Wen de church begins to do good ez well ez preach good, de hot gates ob de fiery pit will hev a tendency to shut, an' Satan will git down- spirited an' mose wish he nebber was born. THE RIVAL DRUMMERS. It was two rival drummers The merits that did blow Of safes were in St. Louis made And safes from Chicago. They chanced upon a merchant Who fain a safe would buy, And in the praise of the houses' wares The drummers twain did vie, Each striving to see which could construct The most colossal lie. Out spake the St. Louis drummer, "Once a man a cat did take, And locked the animal in a safe Of our superior make. "They made a bonfire round the safe With tar and kerosene, 50 COMIC RECITATIONS. And for four-and-twenty hours it blazed With raging heat, I ween. "The fire went out, the safe was cooled And I will forfeit five Hundred good dollars if that cat Did not come out alive." Then mild upspake an answered him The Chicago safe-agent: "With our safe one day we did assay The same experiment. "We placed the safe selected on Of coals a fiery bed, And pitch pine we heaped in coal oil steeped Till the iron glowed bright red; And in forty-eight hours we ope 'd the safe, And, alas ! the cat was dead ! ' ' "Was dead? Aha!" his rival cried, With a triumphant breath; But the Chicago man replied: "Yes; the cat was frozen to death!" No word that St. Louis drummer spoke, But silent he stood and wan, While the Kansas merchant an order gave To the Chicago man. SELECTED READINGS. 51 THE ARKANSAS TRAVELLER. From the "Arkansas Traveller." "I do not see any peculiarity about your people," said an Eastern judge, addressing his travelling companion, a well-known Arkansas lawyer. "I have travelled quite extensively in this state, and I have not, as yet, found that eccentricity of action and prevarication of reply that has often amused me in the newspapers.'" "You have done most of your travelling by rail," the lawyer replied. "This is your first trip away from the main road, is :t not?" "Yes." "Well, I'll show you some of our genuine natives. Yonder is a house. Call the landlord, and converse with him." "Hallo!" called the Judge. "Comin'!" the man replied, depositing a child in the doorway, and advancing. "How's all the folks?" "Children's hearty; wife's not well. Ain't what you might call bed-sick, but jest sorter stretchy." "Got anything to eat in the house?" "Ef I had it anywhere, I'd have it in the house." "How many children have you?" "Many as I want." "How many did you want?" "Wa'nt hankerin' arter a powerful chance, but I'm satisfied " "How long have you been living here?" 52 COMIC RECITATIONS. "Too long." ' ■ How many years ? ' ' "Been here ever since my oldest boy was born. ' ' ' ' What year was he born ? ' ' "The year I come here." "How old is your boy?" "Ef he had lived, he would have been the oldest until yit; but, as he died, Jim's the old- est." "How old is Jim?" "He ain't as old as the one what died." "Well, how old was the one that died. "He was older than Jim." ' ' What do you do here for a living ? ' ' "Eat." "How do you get anything to eat?" "The best way we kin." "How do you spend your Sundays!" "Like the week days." "How do you spend them?" "Like Sundays." "Is that your daughter, yonder?" "No, sir; she ain't my daughter yonder, no* nowhar else." "Is she a relative of yours?" No, sir; no kin." Kin to your wife, I suppose." "No kin to my wife, but she's kin to my chil- dren. ' ' "How do you make that out?" "She's my wife." "How far is it to the next house?" < < - SELECTED READINGS. 53 "It's called three miles, but the man what calls it that is a liar." ' ' I 've got enough, ' ' said the Judge, turning to the lawyer. "Drive on. I pity the man who depends on this man for information." IN ANSWER. By Rose Hart wick Thorpe. "Madam, we miss the train at B — ." "But can't you make it, sir?" she gasped. ' 'Impossible ; it leaves at three, And we are due a quarter past." "Is there no way? Oh, tell me then, Are you a Christian?" "I am not." "And are there none among the men Who run the train?" "No— I forgot— I tuink this fellow over here, Oiling the engine, claims to be." She threw upon the engineer A fair face white with agony. "Are you a Christian?" "Yes, I am." "Then, sir, won't you pray with me, All the long way that «orod will stay, That God will hold the train at B— ?" " 'Twill do no good, it's due at three And"- "Yes, bul when I am up— that's all. "Where did I put my gloves? You don't know? Of course not: you know nothing." Douglas Jerrold. THE CHAEGE OF DE "DUTCH BRI- GADE." A few sdeps, a few sdeps, A few sdeps onward, Up to de bar Valked dot few hundredt, Sdrait up to de bar Valked dot few hundredt. All dose who vos seated Got up vhen dhey heard Dhey vos to be treated; "Forward, und took a trink!" Up — pefore you could vink, Up to the bar Valked dot few hundredt "Forward, de Dutch Brigade!" Not a man packward stayed, Each knew it all was bayed, Some von had treated. D heirs not to got some fear Of trinking lager beer, No one valked to the rear, But up— square up to the bar Valked dot few hundredt. \06 COMIC RECITATIONS. Lager in front of dhem, Lager in back of dhem, Lager all around them. Boobled and schbarkled. Blenty dhey drank of it, Dhey voodn't leave a bit — Looking for more to git Vas dose few hundredt! Shone all dhere noses red, Each bartered mit his head. Such dhirst you nefer met, Vhile how dhey could hold it De bargeeper vondered I Into de bar dhey vent, Right down de shduff dhey sent, Dhen to dheir homes dhey vent- But blease und rememper Not all dose few hundredt! Vhen such a dhing vos done ? Vhen such sheap, plenty fun? Vhile de poss vondered How dhey could trink all dot Right dhere in von same shbot, Nople few hundredt! Charles M. Connolly. HOW DENNIS TOOK THE PLEDGE. A Limerick Irishman named Dennis, addicteo to strong drink, was aften urged by his friend*- SELECTED READINGS. 10? to oign the pledge, but with no avail, until one day they read to him from a newspaper an ac- count of a man who had become so thoroughly saturated with alcohol, that on attempting to blow out a candle, his breath ignited, and he was instantly blown to atoms. Dennis's face showed mingled horror and contrition, and his friends thought that the long-desired moment of repentance was at hand. "Bring me the Book, boys, bring the Book! Troth, his breath his breath took foir, did it? Sure, I'll niver die that death, onyhow," said Dennis, with the most solemn countenance imagi- nable. "Here me now, b'ys, hear me now. I, Dennis Finnegan, knowin' my great weakness, deeply sensible of my past sins, an' the great danger I've been in, hereby take my solemn oath, that so long as I live, under no provoca- tion whatever, will I — oloiv out a candle again." SCHAKE UND AGERS. A Dutchman's first experience with the ague, told at an Old Settlers' meeting, in the Ameri- can Bottoms, at about the time that interesting country was visited by Charles Dickens. Mine frients, it was a pooty schmart feller vat knows sometimes vat de matter midt him is. Uf you doan't bleef dot shoost holdt ycur ears vonct, und I vil help you see it vas true. Dirty-nine years ago I came me midt mine 108 COMIC RECITATIONS. vamily to dees coontry. I vas at dose times stronger as a mool, und I tought I vas as sehmardt as a Yankee; but I soon seet dot de sooner a man lifs de more lie findts, by jiminy cudt— mine frients, I don't scharge you notings for dose discovery. Veil, I vork me hardt midt chopping and grub- bing und plowing from the morning until in de night dimes late ; und pooty soon I get my house de bush out, so &H I could see my neighbor Zhonson's on de £/airie oudt. Von day in de fall I feel me so tired like I vas getting lazy, like dem American fellers. Den I vent to de house und drink water like I vas a fish. Bimeby, I feel so creepy und stretchy oop my back like as all de boogs und insects und flies in Egypt vas emigrating two vays at vonct, from my neck to de heels uf my feet; und my legs got so limber und so veak I vouldn 't sthandt up to see my grandf adder. Den I feel like some- body vas a blowin' more as a hoondred vind- mills all of er me in de middle of my back ; und I stredtch, und I stredtch me all around de house. Pooty soon qvick, I shiver und shake and tremble— b-b-b-b-b-br-br-h-h— ; und my teeth rattle till I think my head und fingers shake my arms off my neck; und Katrina, dot vas my f iau, she dinks I het a fit. She screamt her mout oudt; und, at cle last, she trowdt a booket of vater all uffer me at vonst. Ach ! jimminy grac- ious ! I tought I vas in two ice-boxes, und Lieu- tenant Greeley vas poundin' me midt the No*d SELECTED READINGS. 109 tale. Den I shook me more as before— b-b-b-b-b- b-br-br-br-r-r-r-r-r-r-h-h-h-h; und de dishes fall de cupboard oudt on de floor down; und my rife she says, "Zhake, uf you doan's stop dot schiverereer, you knock dem schingles de roof off." Den I got so cold I poot me de bed in und rattle my teeth und my toes till I schake dem clothes de bed off; und Katarina she pild dem feaders und shuck beds so high as her hedt, und she climbs de top oop, und calls my hired man Phil- ip to help holdt me schtill und I bleef she vouldt have bringdt de whole neighborhood uf she could call 'em in, so help me gracious. At de last I shtoped schaking, und pooty soon I got so varm I trowdt dem peeples de bed off, und calldt for vater— vater, till I think I drink re veil oop. Bimeby, neighbor Zhonson he comes along, und my vife vas so schared she tell him 1 vas gone to burn oop, und dey didn't haf vater enough to put me oudt. Dey tell him all aboudt dot Nord Pole expedition und dot Niagara vater-booket falls excursion; und he set himself on de floor down und laughed like he vouldt split his collar bandt. Den he said to me, ' ' You green Dutchman, you hadt dem schake und tigers und didn't know it already yet." I. H. Brown. 110 COMxcr H.*»v,-irATIONS. DER NIGHD PEHIND CHRISTMAS. PARODY ON "THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS'' BY SIDNEY W. WETMORE. "Tvas der nighd pehind Grisdmas, und all ofer der haus, Nod von beobles vas schleebing, nix cum arous; Dea sdockings vas vlung all ofer dose shair, Vor hopes auf Saind Niglebus nix longer vos dhere, rlmmie und Shakey vas tossing widoud schleeb : u der ped, Der leddle stomachs vas pig, wid gandy, nuds, bies and pread Vhile mudder mit a nighd-dress, und I mit a gown, "Vas yust make up our minds ve couldn't lie down; Ven vrom der haus oud py dev lawn ve heard somedings gletter, Like der tuyfle I shumped ofer my s*Kair, von- derin' vat vas der madder. Righd avay qvick to der vinder I vent, vith a vlash, Grapped avay der plinds und shofed up t*sr sash; Der moon, all undressed, vas foolin' arount pe- low, Und saying, "Gife us a rest, mit dat 'PeautifuJ Schnow ; ' ' Vat vas dose, so hellup me, vibch to dhese eyes appear, SELECTED READINGS. Ill Bud a horse und schleigh, poth vas oldt und qveer, Trawin a leddle oldt bump-paeked rooster, sol- emn and schlow, Dot I know'd mit a glance 'twas oldt Toctor Prough. Vrom der oudside I drew my head, und durnt arounts, Yen up-stairs comes dot rooster, mit dwo or dhree pounts ; He vas all govered up mit a pig ofergoat made long pelow, Und der vhisker py hes sehin vas vhide like dor schnow ; He spoke nix a vord, bud straighd vend to vork, Velt all der bulses, und gifer der arms a jerk; Und making hes vingers on der top of hes nose, Vith a vag auf hes ear, to der sehminey he goes; "Vod sboonful of oil, oldt vomans, und sum prandy, Scheese dose nuts, raisins, bies und der gandy: Dose dender schmalt stomach vill nefer digest Der schveets vot dhey get— pretzels und krout vas der feast;' Bud dat makes nodhings out, does advice mit vrents. Ven der gustom auf Grisdmas der odeer vay dends ; All vater und muttors, old Schanty Claws too, Vas oxceeding plind; veil, a goot-nighd to you, Und dhese vords ve heard him exclaim, as he trofe oud auf sighd, 112 COMIC RECITATIONS. "Dose bully bies, raisins, und gandy makes toe-- ' tor's bill all righd." KATHARINA SEES A GAME OF FOOT- BALL. I took mine Katarina down To see der football play, Und dis is how der vay dot she Describes der game dot day: "Ach, veil, dare vas a lot uf mens Mit vildness in deir eyes Vich if dey met der barber he Vould die yust mit surprise. "Veil, after dot, dey vent to vork Und stood around a vile ; Und ven dey all got tired vy Dey sat down in a pile. "Some fellows sat on somevun's head, Some sat on somevun's feets, Und dem vot sat der hardest down Dey vast der vuns dot beats ! "Und den dey all stood ub vonce more, Und den dey stood arount ; Und von poor fellow he yust stood Und looked hard ad der grount. "I dink his nose vas bleeding, bud SELECTED READINGS. H** Der udders did not care ; Dey yust chumped up, den changed their minds Und sat down on his hair. "Den everybody all rount Dey yust went vild mit choy, Und broke each udder's hats und said: ' Aint id a peach, dot boy ? "Und den dot boy dey spoked aboud, Oh, vare, oh, vare, vas he ? Ask uf der amberlance vich came To fix his broked-up knee ! "Der rest, did not stop to vait To ask vere vas he hurt, Because dey all vas kicking mit Each udder in der dirt. "Und den vun fellow runned a vile, Den somevun grabbed his arm, Und den dey all plowed ub der neld— Yust like on der farm ! "Und den der game vas ofer, und Der mens said, 'Dot's a beaut! Und all der preddy girls dey said, 'Ach, himmel, ain'd id cute? SCHNITZEItL'S VELOCIPEDE. Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede, Vone of dot newest kind: 114 COMIC RECITATIONS. It didn't haf no vheel before, Und der vasn't none pehind. Aber dere vas vone in de middle dhough, Dat's shust as sure as eggs; Und he shtraddled across dot axle, Mit de wheel between his legs. Und vhen he vants to shtart it off, He paddled mit his feet, Und soon he made it gone so fast Dat eferythings he beat. He took it out on Broadway vonce, Und shkeeted like de vind, Phew! how he passed dot fancy schaps-! He leafed dem all pehind ! Dem fellers an dose shtylish nags Pulled up to see him pass; Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried, ' ' Potz tauzand ! Vas ist das ? " » But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,— On, mit a ghastly schmile : He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, Not vonce in half a mile. So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl Und his velocipede : His feet both shlipped right inside out Vhen at its extra snpeed. SELECTED READINGS. 115 He failed upon dot vheel, of course : Dot vheel like blitzen flew; Und Schnitzerl, lie vas schnicht in vacht, Dot schliced him grode in two. Hans Breitmann. PSALM OF MARRIAGE. Tell me not in idle jingle, "Marriage is an empty dream!" For the girl is dead that's single, And girls are not what they seem. Life is real ! Life is earnest ! Single blessedness a fib ! ' ' Man thou art, to man returnest ! ' ' Has been spoken of the rib. Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, Is our destined end or way; But to act that each to-morrow Finds us nearer marriage day. Life is long, and youth is fleeting, And our hearts, though light and gay, Still like pleasant drums are beating Wedding marches all the way. In the world's broad field of battle, In the bivouac of life, Be not like dumb driven cattle! Be a heroine— a wife! — Trust no future, howe'er pleasant, 116 COMIC RECITATIONS. Let the dead past bury its dead ! Act— act to the living Present! Heart within and hope ahead! Lives of married folks remind us We can live our lives as well, And, departing, leave behind us Such examples as shall ' ' tell. ' ' Such examples that another, Wasting time in idle sport, A forlorn, unmarried brother, Seeing, shall take heart and court. Let us, then be up and doing, With a heart on triumph set Still contriving, still pursuing, And each one a husband get. Phoebe Cary. AGNES, I LOVE THEE. (An Encore.) I stood upon the ocean's briny shore, And with .a fragile reed I traced upon the sand : "Agnes, I love thee." The mad waves rolled by and blotted out the fair impression. Frail reed ! cruel wave ! treacherous sand ! I '11 trust ye no more ! But, with, a giant hand, SELECTED READINGS. 117 I'll pluck from Norway's frozen shore her tall- est pine, And dip its top into the crater of Mt. Vesuvius, And on the high and burnished heavens 111 write : "Agnes, I love thee" And I would like to see any doggoned wave wash that out. A POTATO BUG. ■J9 Dark and dreary was the night, A storm was drawing nigh. In vivid streaks the lightning flashed, Athwart the leaden sky ; But see from out a lonely wood, There steals a vengeful man, A blood-stained club is firmly grasped, Within his strong right hand, And like a specter from the unknown world He glides upon his foe. A murderous light gleams in his eye, As he makes ready for the blow. The club is raised, and then, oh,— It falls with a sickening thud, And there upon the damp cold ground, Lays murdered,— "a Potato Bug." 118 COMIC RECITATIONS. DER SHPIDER UND DER FLY. CHAELES FOLLEN ADAMS. (Boston Globe.) I reads in Yowcob 's shtory book, A couple v< eks ago, Von firsd-rate boem, vot I dinks Der peoples all should know. It ask dis goot conundhrum, too, Vich ve should profit by: "Vill you indo mine parlor valk? Said de shpider off der fly" Dot set' me dinking righdt avay; Und vhen von afdernoon, A shbeculator he comes in, Und dells me pooty soon, He haf a silfer mine to sell, Und ask me eef I puy, I dink off der oxberience Off dot plue-pottle fly. Der oder day, vhen on der cars I vent py Nie York oudt ; I meets a fraulein on der train, Who dold me, mit a pout, She likes der Deutscher shentlemens, Und d^lls me sit peside her — I says: "Mine friendt, I vos no fly, Eef you vas been a shpider." I vent indo der shmoking car, Vhere dhey vas playing boker, SELECTED READINGS. 119 Und also haf somedings dhey calls Der funny "leedle joker." Some money id vas shanging hands, Dhey vanted me to try— I says : ' ' You vas too brevious ; I don 'd vas peen a fly ! " On Central Park a shmardt young man Says : ' ' Strauss, how vas you peen ? ' ' Und take me kindly by the hand, Und ask off mine Katrine. He vants to shange a feefty bill, Und say hees name vas Schneider — Maybe, berhaps he vas all righdt; More like he vas a shpider. • Mosd efry day some shvindling chap, He dries hees leedle game; I cuts me oudt dot shpider piece, Und poot id in a frame; Righdt in mine shtore I hangs it oup, Und near id, on der shly, I geeps a glub, to send gvick oudt Dhose shpiders, "on der fly." THE BACHELOR'S SOLILIQUY. To wed, or not to wed;— that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in a man to suffer The slings and sorrows of that blind young archer ; 120 COMIC RECITATIONS. Or fly to arms against a host of troubles, And at the altar end them. To woo— to wed- No more ; and by this step to say we end The heartache, and the thousand hopes and fears The single suffer— 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To woo— to wed; — To wed— perchance repent! — ay, there's the rub; For in that wedded state, what woes may come When we have launched upon that untried sea Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes celibacy of so long life ; For who would bear the quips and jeers of friends, The husband 's pity, and the coquette 's scorn, The vacant heart, the solitary cell. The unshared sorrow, and the void within, When he himself might his redemption gain With a fair damsel. Who would beauty shun To toil and plod over a barren heath ; But that the dread of something yet beyond — The undiscovered country, from whose bourne No bachelor returns— puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of ! Thus forethought does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And numberless flirtations, long pursued, With this regard, their currents turn away And lose the name of marriage. SELECTED READINGS. 121 A MIDNIGHT TRAGEDY. Two lovers lean on the garden gate; The hour is late. At a chamber window her father stands, And rubs his hands. For awhile he watches them unawares, Then goes down-stairs. He looses the dog from his iron chain— The rest is plain. The moonlight silvers the garden gate ; The hour is late. THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER. "Nein" (pronounced nine) is the German for "No." 1 ' Got any boys ? the marshall said To a lady from over the Rhine ; And the lady shook her flaxen head, And civilly answered "Nine!" "Got any girls?" the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhine; And again the lady shook her head, And civilly answered, "Nine!" 122 COMIC RECITATIONS. ' ' But some are dead ? ' ' the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again the lady snook her head, And civilly answered, "Nine!" "Husband, of course?" the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhine; And again she shook her flaxen head And civilly answered, "Nine!" 1 ' The devil you have ! ' ' the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again she shook her flaxen head, And civilly answered, "Nine!" "Now what do you mean by shaking your head, And always answering 'Nine'?" ' ich Jcann nicht English!" civilly said The lady from over the Rhine. John G. Saxe. A LOVELY SCENE. We stood at the bars as the sun went down Behind the hills on a summer day. Her eyes were tender, and big, and brown, Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay. Far from the west the faint sunshine Glanced sparkling off her golden hair, Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine, And a look of contentment rested there. SELECTED READINGS. 123 I see her bathed in the sunlight flood, I see her standing peacefully now, Peacefully standing and chewing her cud, As I rubbed her ears— that Jersey cow. POPPING THE QUESTION. I knew by his looks what he'd come for; I plainly had seen from the first, It must come to this sooner or later; and I'd made up my mind for the worst. So I hid myself under the curtains, where the loving pair couldn't see me, In order to watch their proceedings, and hear what he said unto she. I saw he was fearfully nervous, that in fact ha was suffering pam, By the way that he fussed with his collar, and poked all the chairs with his cane; Then he blushed ; that he wouldn 't look at her, but kept his eyes fixed on the floor. And took the unusual precaution of taking hia seat near the door. He began, "It is— er— er— fine weather— re- markable weather for May." "Do you think so.'" said she; "it is raining." "Oh! so it is raining to-day. I meant, 'twill be pleasant to-morrow," he stam- mered; "er-er— do you skate?" 124 COMIC RECITATIONS. "Oh, yes!" she replied, "at the season; but isn't May rather late?" The silence that followed was awful; he con- tinued, " I see a sweet dove, ' ' ( 'Twas only an innocent sparrow ; but blind are the eyes of true love), "A dove of most beautiful plumage, on the top of that wide-spreading tree, Which reminds me"— she sighed— "Oh, sweet maiden ! which reminds me, dear angel, of thee." Her countenance changed in a moment; there followed a terrible pause ; I felt that the crisis was coming, and hastily dropped on all fours, In order to see the thing better. His face grew as white as a sheet ; He gave one spasmodic effort, and lifelessly dropped at her feet. She said— what she said I won't tell you. She raised the poor wretch from the ground. I drew back my head for an instant. Good heav- ens ! Oh, what was that sound ? I eagerly peered through the darkness, for twi- light had made the room dim, And plainly perceived it was kissing, and kiss- ing not all done by him. I burst into loud fits of laughter ; I knew it was terrible mean; SELECTED READINGS. 125 Still I couldn't resist the temptation to appear for a while on the scene. But she viewed me with perfect composure, as she kissed him again with a smile, And remarked, 'twixt that kiss and the next one, that she 'd known I was there all the while. HE DIDN'T WANT THE 'SCRIPTION. He was an old man, and he had a bit of con- ductor's pasteboard stuck in his hat. He walked into the drug store and inquired : ' ' Have you got any good whiskey ? ' ' "Yes, sir," replied the gentlemanly druggist. "Gimme half a pint?" "Have you got a doctor's prescription?" "No." ' ' ' Can 't sell it then, sir. Jury in session ; must be strict." "Where can I get a doctor?" sadly inquired the aged inebriate. "I'm a physician, sir," winningly responded the druggist. "Can't you give me that— what you call it, 'scription?" "Well, I might." And the doctor wrote out a prescription blank, calling for so many ounces of spiritus frumenti. lie filled a snug-looking bottle with the article, pastci 1 a label on it, numbered to correspond with the paper, and presenting the bottle to the 126 COMIC RECITATIONS. venerable roysterer, remarked, in the most busi- ness-like way imaginable: "A dollar and a half, sir." "A dollar and a half!" gasped his astonished customer. "Ain't that pretty high, mister?" "It's our price— a dollar for the prescription, and fifty cents for the medicine." "Yes* well," slowly replied the wicked old duffer, as he slowly buttoned up the half -pint in his overcoat pocket; "I guess, boss, that X don't want the 'scription. Here's your half a dollar," and he stuck his tongue in one side of his mouth, winked ironically at him of the mor- tar and pestle, and walked out. BILL'S IN TROUBLE! I've got a letter, parson, from my son away out West, An' my ol' heart is heavy as an anvil in my breast, To think the boy whose futur' I had once so proudly planned Should wander from the path o' right an' come to sich an end! Bill made a faithful promise to be keerful, an' allowed He'd build a reputation that'd make us mighty proud, But it seems as how my counsel sort o' faded from his mind, SELECTED READINGS. 12? An' now the boy's in trouble o' the very wustest kind! His letters came so seldom that I somehow sort o' knowed That Billy was a-trampin' on a mighty rocky road, But never once imagined he would bow my head in shame, An' in the dust'd waller his ol' daddy's honored name. He writes from out in Denver, an' the story's mighty short; I just can't tell his mother; it'll crush her poor o'l heart! An' so I reckoned, parson, you might break tlw news to her— Bill's in the Legislatur, but he doesn't say what fur. "SPACILLY JIM." I wus mighty good-lookin' when I was young, Peert an' black-eyed an' slim, With fellers a courtin' me Sunday nights, 'SDacially Jim. The likeliest one of 'em all was he, Chipper an' han'som' an' trim, 128 COMIC RECITATIONS. But I tossed up my head an' made fun o' the crowd, 'Spatially Jim. I said I hadn't no 'pinion o' men, An' I wouldn't take stock in him! But they kep' up a-comin' in spite o' my talk, 'Spatially Jim. I got so tired o' havin' 'em roun' (Spatially Jim!) I made up my mind I'd settle down An' take up with him. So we was married one Sunday ia church, 'Twas crowded full to the brim ; 'Twas the only way to get rid of 'em all, 'Spatially Jim. THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY. You promise now, you goot man dare, Vot shtunds upon de floor, To take dis woman for your vrow, And luff her ef ermore ; You'll feed her well on sauerkraut, Beans, buttermilk and cheese, And in all dings to lend your aid Vot vill promote her ease ; -Yah! SELECTED READINGS. 129 Tes, and you, good voman, too— Do you pledge your vord dis day Dat you vill take dis husband here And rnit him alvays shtay? Dat you vill bet and board mit him, Vash, iron and mend his clothes; Laugh when he sehmiles, veep when he sighs, -Yah! Und share his joys and voes ? Vel, den, mitin these sacred halls, Mit joy and not mit grief, I do bronounce you man and vife; Von name, von home, von beef! I publish now dese secred bonts, Dese matrimonial dies, Before mine Got, mine vrow, minezelf Und all dese gazing eyes. Und now, you pridegroom standing dere, I'll not let go yoz collar Undil you dell me one ding more, Dat ish : vere ish mine tollar ? BLASTED HOPES. We said good-by ! My lips to hers were pressed. We looked into each other's eyes and sighed; I pressed the maiden fondly to my breast, And went my way across the foamy tide. I stood upon the spot where Caesar fell, I mused beside tin 1 great Napoleon's tomb; 130 COMIC RECITATIONS. I loitered where dark-visaged houris dwell, And saw the fabled lotus land abloom. I heard Parisian revelers, and so Forgot the maiden who had wept for me; I saw my face reflected in the Po, And saw Italian suns sink in the sea. Aweary of it all, at last, I turned My face back to my glorious native land; I thought of her again— my bosom burned— And joyful I left the ancient strand. At last, I held her little hand again, But, oh, the seasons had kept rolling on, I did not stroke her head or kiss her then— Another had appeared while I was gone. I'd brought her trinkets from across the sea— Ah. well! she shall not have them now, of course ; Alas ! the only thing that's left for me Is to give her little boy a hobby horse ! TIM MURPHY MAKES A FEW REMARKS. I saw Teddy Reagan the other day ; he told me he had been dealing in hogs. "Is business good?" says I. "Yis," says he. "Talking about hogs, Teddy, how do you find yourself ? sez I I wint to buy a clock the other day, to make a present to Mary Jane. "Will you have SELECTED READINGS. 131 a Friuch clock?" says the jeweler. "The deuce take your Princh clock," sez I. "I want a clock that my sister can understand when it strikes." "I have a Dutch clock," sez he, "an' you kin put that on the shtairs." "It might run down if I put it there," sez I. "Well," sez he, "here's a Yankee clock, with a lookin '-glass in the front, so that you can see yourself," sez he. " It 's too ugly, " sez I. " Thin I '11 take the look- in '-glass out, an' whin you look at it you'll not find it so ugly, ' ' sez he. I wint to Chatham Sthreet to buy a shirt, for the one I had on was a trifle soiled. The Jew who kept the sthore looked at my bosom, an' said : "So hellup me gracious ! how long do you vear a shirt?" "Twenty-eight inches," sez I. "Have you any fine shirts?" sez I. "Yis," sez he. "Are they clane?" says I. "Yis," sez he. "Thin you had better put one on," sez I. You may talk about bringin' up childer in the way they should go, but I believe in bringing them up by the hair of the head. Talking about bringing up childer— I hear my childer 's pray- ers every night. The other night I let thim up to bed without thim. I skipped and sthood behind the door. I heard the boy say: "Give us this day our daily bread." The little fellow said: "Sthrike him for pie, Johnny." I have one of the most economical boys in the City of New York; he hasn't spint one cint for the last two years. I am expecting -him down from Sing Ring prison next week. Talking about boys, I have a nephew who, 132 COMIC RECITATIONS. five years ago, couldn't write a word. Last week he wrote his name for $10,000; he'll git tin years in the pinitintiary. I can't write, but I threw a brick at a policeman and made my mark. They had a fight at Tim Owen's wake last week. Mary Jane was there. She says, barrin' herself, there was only one whole nose left in, the party, an' that belonged to the tay-kettle. PASSING OF THE HORSE. I drove my old horse, Dobbin, full slowly toward the town, One beautiful spring morning. The rising sun looked down And saw us slowly jogging and drinking in the balm Of honeyed breath of clover fields. We lissed, in Nature 's calm, To chirping squirrel, and whistling bird, the robin and the wren; The sound of life and love and peace came o'etf the fields again. 'Way back behind the wagon there came a tan- dem bike, A pedaling 'long to beat the wind, I never saw the like. They started by— the road was wide, old Dobbin feeling good, SELECTED READINGS. 133 The quiet calmness of the morn had livened up his mood, And stretching out adown the road he chased these cyclers two, And Dobbin in his younger days was distanced by but few. "We sped along about a mile, it was a merry chase, But Dobbin gave it up at last, and, dropping from the race, He looked at me, as if to say: "Old man, I'm in disgrace. The horse is surely passing by, the bike has got his place." And all that day, while in the town, old Dobbin's spirits fell; His stout old pride was broken sure ; the reason I could tell. But when that night we trotted back from town, below the hill "We met two weary cyclers who waved at us a bill That had a big V on it, and said it would be mine , If I would let them ride with us and put their bike behind, And so I whistled softly ; and Dobbin winked at me, "I guess the horse will stay, old man; he's punc- ture proof— you see?" 134 COMIC RECITATIONS. A SCHOOL DAY. "Now, John," the district teacher says With frown that scarce can hide The dimpling smiles around her mouth, Where Cupid's hosts abide, "AVhat have you done to Mary Ann, That she is crying so ? Don't say 'twas 'nothing'— don't, I say, For, John, that can't be so; "For Mary Ann would never cry At nothing, I am sure; And if you've wounded justice, John, You know the only cure Is punishment ! So, come, stand up ; Transgression must abide The pain attendant on the scheme That makes it justified. " So John steps forth with sun-burnt face, And hair all in a tumble, His laughing eyes a contrast to His drooping mouth so humble. "Now, Mary, you must tell me all— I see that John will not, And if he's been unkind or rude, I'll whip him on the spot." "vy— we were p— playin' p— pris'ner's b— base, An' h— he is s— such a t— tease, An' w— when I w— wasn't 1— lookin', in— ma'am' SELECTED READINGS. 135 H— he k— kissed me— if. you please." Upon the teacher's face the smiles Have triumphed o'er the frown, A pleasant thought runs through her mind, The stick comes harmless down. But outraged law must be avenged ! Begone, ye smiles, begone ! Away, ye little dreams of love, Come on, ye frowns, come on! "I think I'll have to whip you, John, Such conduct breaks the rule; No boy, except a naughty one, "Would kiss a girl— at school." & j Again the teacher's rod is raised, A Nemesis she stands— A premium were put on sin, If punished by such hands ! As when the bee explores the rose "We see the petals tremble, So trembled Mary's rosebud lips — Her heart would not dissemble. "I wouldn't whip him very hard" — The stick stops in its fall— "It wasn't right to do it, but— It didn't hurt at all!" "What made you cry, then, Mary Ann?" The school's noise makes a pause, And out upon the listening air, From Mary comes— "Because !" W. F. McSparran. 136 COMIC RECITATIONS. THE BICYCLE AND THE PUP. Tis a bicycle man, over his broken wheel, That grieveth himself full sore, For the joy of its newness his heart shall feel, Alack and alas, no more. When the bright sun trippeth the hills with gold, That rider upriseth gay, And with hat all beribboned and heart that is bold, Pursueth his jaunty way. He gazeth at folks in the lowly crowd With a most superior air. He thinketh ha ! ha ! and he smileth aloud As he masheth the maiden fair. Oh, he masheth her much in his nice new clothes, Nor seeth the cheerful pup, Till he roots up the road with his proud, proud nose, While the little wheel tilteth up. Oh, that youth on his knees— though he doth not pray— Is a pitiful sight to see, For his pants in their utterest part give way, While merrily laugheth she. And that bicycle man in his heart doth feel That the worst of unsanctiiied jokes Is the small dog that sniffeth anon at his wheel, But getteth mixed up in the spokes. SELECTED READINGS. 137 IT MADE A DIFFERENCE. "Now, then, " said the short and fat and anx- ious-looking man as he sat down in the street car and unfolded a map he had just bought of a fakir. "I want to know how this old thing works. Let me first find the Philippine Islands and Manila. Here I am, and here is Ca-vitt." "I beg your pardon, sir," said the man on his left, ' ' but that name is pronounced Kahveet- tay." "Then why ain't it spelled that way?" de- manded the short and fat man. "No wonder Dooye has been left there a whole month without reinforcements when they mix up things that way. ' ' 1 ' You mean Dewey, ' ' corrected the man on his right. "I heard it called Dooye, sir." "But it isn't right." "Then why don't this map give it right? Is it the plan of our map-makers to bamboozle the American patriot? Let us turn to Cuba. Ah ! here is that San Jew-an they are talking so much about." "Will you allow me to say that the name is pronounci-d San Wan?" softly observed the man on the left. "By whom, sir?" "By everybody." "I deny it, sir!" exclaimed the fat man. "If J-u-a-n don't spell 'Juan' then I can't read. If I am wrong then why don't this map set me right! Is it the idea to mix up the American 138 COMIC RECITATIONS. patriot until he can't tell whether he's in Cuba or the United States?" "Where is that Ci-en-fue-gos I've read about?" "Do you wish for the correct pronunciation of that name?" asked a man on the other side of the car. "Haven't I got it?" "Not exactly, sir." "Then let her slide. The men who got out this map ought to be indicted for swindling. Maybe I'm wrong in calling it Ma-tan-zas?" "It is hardly correct, sir." "And I'm off on Por-to Ri-co?" "Just a little off." "That settles it, sir — that settles it!" said the short man as he folded up the map and tossed it away on the street. ' ' I had a grandfather in the Revolutionary War, a father in the war with Mexico, and two brothers in the Civil War, and I was going to offer my services to Uncle Sam in this emergency; but it's off, sir— all off." "But what difference does the pronunciation make?" protested the man on the right. "All the difference in the world, sir. My wife is tongue-tied and my only child has. got a hair-lip, and if I should get killed neither one of them would be able to ever make any one understand whether I poured out my blood in a battle in Cuba or was run over by an ice-wagon in front of my own house ! ' ' SELECTED READINGS. 139 BRIDGET O'FLANNAGAN ON CHRISTIAN SCIENCE AND COCKROACHES. Och, Mollie Moriarty, I've been havin' the quare iksparyincis since yiz hurrud from me an' if I'd known how it wud be whin I lift ould Oireland, I'd nivir have sit fut intil this coontry befoor landin'. Me prisint misthriss that I had befoor the lasht wan is a discoiple av a new koind av relijun called Christian Soience. She 's been af thur takin ' a sooccission av coorsis av coolchur (I belave that's fwhat they call it), a new koind av relijun called Christian Soience. I've hurrud her talkin' wid the other ladies about moind and matther, an' as will as I can undherstand, Christian Soience manes that iverything is all moind an' no matther, or all matther an' nivir moind, an' that ivery wan's nobody, an' iverything 's nothing ilse. The misthriss ses there's no disease nor trooble, an' no nade av physic; nivirthiliss, whin she dish- coovered cockroaches intil the panthry, she sint me out wid the money to buy an ikstei*minatin' powdher. Thinks I to mesilf, "I'll give thim roaches a dose av Christian Soience, or fwhat the ladies call an 'absint thratemint.' " So I fixed the powers av me moind on the middlesoom cray- thers an' slipinl the money till me own binifit. Afther a few days the misthriss goes intil the panthrey, an' foinds thim roaches roonin' 'round as if they'd nivir been kilt at all. I throied to iksplain, but wid the inconsish+Pticy av her six 140 COMIC RECITATIONb. she wouldn't listhin till a worrud, but ses I was addin' impertinince to desaving'. So I'm afther lookin' fur a place, an' if yiz know av a lady widout notions that do be bewildherin' to me moind, address, Miss Bridget O'Flannagan, Post Office, Ameriky. M. Bourchier. CONVERSATIONAL. "How's your father" Came the whisper, Bashful Ned the silence breaking; "Oh, he's nicely," Annie murmured, Smilingly the question taking. Conversation flagged a moment, Hopeless, Ned essayed another: "Annie, I— I," then a coughing, And the question, "How's our mother!" "Mother? Oh, she's doing nicely!" Fleeting fast was all forbearance, When in low, despairing accents Came the climax, "How's your parents?" WANTED, A MINISTER'S WIFE. Wanted, a perfect lady, Delicate, gentle, refined, With every beauty of person SELECTED READINGS. 142 And every endowment of mind ; Fitted by early culture To move in a fashionable life. Please notice our advertisement: "Wanted, a minister's wife." Wanted, a thoroughbred worker, Who well to her household looks (Shall we see our money wasted By extravagant, stupid cooks?) Who cuts the daily expenses With economy as sharp as a knife, And washes and scrubs in the kitchen. "Wanted, a minister's wife." A very domestic person. To "callers" she must not be "out; It has such a bad appearance For her to be gadding about. Only to visit the parish Every day of her life, And attend the funerals and weddings. "Wanted, a minister's wife." Conduct the ladies' meeting, The sewing-circle attend, And when we work for the needy, Her ready assistance to lend. To clothe the destitute children Where sorrow and want are rife; To hunt up Sunday-school scholars, "Wanted, a minister's wife." >> 142 COMIC RECITATIONS. Careful to entertain strangers, Traveling agents, and "such;" Of this land of "angel visits' ' The leaders have had so much As to prove a perfect nuisance, And ' ' hope these plagues of their life Can soon be sent to their parson's." "Wanted, a minister's wife." A perfect pattern of prudence To all others, spending less, But never disgracing the parish By looking shabby in dress. Playing the organ on Sunday Would aid our laudable strife To save the society's money. "Wanted, a minister's wife." HOW A MARRIED MAN SEWS ON A BUT- TON. It is bad enough to see a bachelor sew on a button, but he is the embodiment of grace along- side a married man. Necessity has compelled experience in the case of the former, but the latter has depended upon some one else for this service, and fortunately for the sake of society, it is rarely he is obliged to resort to the needle himself. Sometimes the patient wife scalds her right hand, or runs a sliver under the nail of the index finger of that hand, and SELECTED READINGS. 143 it is then the man clutches the needle around the neck, and, forgetting to tie a knot on the thread, commences to put on the button. It is always in the morning, and from five to twenty minutes after this he is expected to be down street. He lays the button on exactly the site of its predecessor, and pushes the needle through one eye, and carefully draws the thread; after, leaving about three inches of it sticking up for leeway. He says to himself, "Well, if wom- en don't have the easiest time I ever see." Then he comes back the other way and gets the needle through the cloth easy enough, and lays himself out to find the eye, but, in spite of a great deal of patient jabbing, the needle point persists in bucking against the solid parts of the button, and finally, when he loses pa- tience, his finers catch the thread, and that three inches he has left to hold the button slips through the eye in a twinkling, and the button rolls leisurely across the floor. He picks it up without a single remark, out of respect for his children, and makes another attempt to fas- ten it. This time, when coming back with the needle, he keeps both the thread and button from slip- ping by covering them with his thumb; and it is out of regard for that part of him that he feels around for the eye in a very careful and judicious manner, but eventually losing his philosophy as the search becomes more and more hopeless, he falls to jabbing about in a loose and. savage manner, and it is just then the 144 COMIC RECITATIONS. needle finds the opening and comes up the button and part way through his thumb with a celerity that no human ingenuity can guard against. Then he lays down the things with a few famil- iar quotations, and presses the injured hand be- tween his knees, and then holds it under the other arm, and finally jams it into his mouth, and all the while he prances and calls upon heaven and earth to witness that there has never been anything like it since the world was created, and howls, and whistles, and moans and sobs. After a while he calms down and puts on his pants and fastens them together with a stick, and goes to his business a changed man. J. M. Bailey. THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE. Vake up, my schveet ! vake up, my lofe ! Der moon dot can 't be seen abof e. Vake oud your eyes, und dough it's late, I'll make you oud a serenate. Der shtreet dot's kinder dampy vet, Und dhere vas no goo blace to set; My fiddle's getting oud of dune, So blease get vakey wery soon. my lofe ! my lof ely lofe ! Am you avake ub dhere abofe, Feeling sad und nice to hear Schneider's fiddle schrabin near? Sing. Sing. Sing. Sing. SELECTED READINGS. 145 Veil, anyvay, obe loose your ear, Und try to saw if you kin hear From dem bedclose vat you'm among, Der little song I 'm going to sung : lady ! vake ! Get vake ! Und hear der tale I '11 tell ; you vot 's schleebin ' sound ub dhere, I like you pooty veil! Your plack eyes dhem don't shine When you'm ashleep— so vake ! (Yes, hurry upp, and voke up quick, For gootness gracious sake!) My schveet imbatience, lofe, I hope you vill excuse ; I'm singing schveetly (dhere, py Jinks! Dhere goes a sthring proke loose!) putiful, schveet maid ! vill she ever voke? Der moon is mooning— (Jimminy! dhere Anoder sthring vent proke!) 1 sa, you schleeby, vake ! Vake oud ! Vake loose ! Vake ub ! Fire! Murder! Police! Vatch ! cracious ! do vake ub ! 146 COMIC RECITATIONS. Dot girl she schleebed— dot rain it rained Und I looked sthoopid like a fool, Vhen mit my fiddle I shneaked off So vet und shlobby like a mool ! BIDDY'S TROUBLES. "It's thru for me, Katy, that I never seed the like of this people afore. It's a time I've been having since coming to this house, twelve months agone this week Thursday. Yer know, honey, that my fourth coosin, Ann Macarthy, recom- mended me to Mrs. Whaler, and told the lady that I knew about genteel housework and the likes; while at the same time I had niver seed inter an American lady's kitchen. "So she engaged me, and my heart was jist ready to burst wid grief for the story that Ann had told, for Mrs. Whaler was a swate-spoken lady, and never looked cross-like in her life; that I knew by her smooth, kind face. Well, jist the first thing she told me to do, after I dressed the children, was to dress the ducks for dinner. I stood looking at the lady for a couple of minutes, before I could make out any mane- ing at all to her words. "Thin I went searching after clothes for the ducks; and such a time as I had, to be sure. High and low I went till at last my mistress axed me for what I was looking; and I told her the clothes for the ducks, to be sure. Och, SELECTED READINGS. 147 how she scramed and laughed, till my face was as rid as the sun wid shame, and she showed me in her kind swate way what her maneing was. Thin stte told me how to air the beds ; and it was a day for me, indade, when I could go up cham- ber alone and clare up the rooms. One day Mrs. Whaler said to me : " 'Biddy, an' ye may give the baby an airin*. if yees will.' "What should I do— and it's thru what I am saying this blessed minute— but go upstairs wid the child, and shake it, and then howld it out of the winder. Such a scraming and kicking as the baby gave— but I hild on the harder. Everybody thin in the strate looked at me ; at last misthress came up to see what for was so much noise. " 'I am thrying to air the baby,' I said, 'but it kicks and scrames dridfully.' "There was company down below; and whin Mrs. Whaler told them what I had been after doing, I thought they would scare the folks in the strate wid scraming. "And then I was told I must do up Mr. Whal- er's sharts one day when my mistress was out shopping. She told me repeatedly to do them up nice, for master was going away, so I takes the sharts and did them all up in some paper thai I was after bringing from the ould country wid me, and tied some nice pink ribbon around the bundle. " 'Where are the sharts, Biddy?' axed Mrs. Whaler, when she coined home. 148 COMIC RECITATIONS. " 'I have been doing them up in a quair nice way,' I said, bringing her the bundle. 'Will you iver be done wid your grane- ness ! ' she axed me with a loud scrame. "I can't for the life of me be tellin' what their talkin' manes. At home we call the likes of this fine work starching; and a deal of it I have done, too. Och ! and may the blessed Vir- gin pity me, for I never '11 be cured of my grane- ness ! ' ' THE INVENTOR'S WIFE. It's easy to talk of the patience of Job. Humph! Job h^d nothin' to try him! Ef he'd been married to 'Bijah Brown folks wouldn't have dared come nigh him. Trials, indeed ! Now I '11 tell you what— ef you want to be sick of your life, Jest come and change places with me a spell— for I'm an inventor's wife. And sech inventions ! I 'm never sure, when I take up my coffee-pot, That 'Bijah hain't been "improvin' " it, and it Mayn't go off like a shot. Why, didn't he make me a cradle once, that would keep itself a-rockin'; And didn't it pitch the baby out, and wasn't his head bruised shockin'? And there was his "Patent Peeler," too— a won- SELECTED READINGS. 149 derf ul thing, I '11 say ; But it hed one fault— it never stopped till the apple was peeled away. As for locks and clocks, and mowin' machines, and reapers, and all sech trash, Wh, 'Bijah's invented heaps of 'em, but thay don't bring in no cash. Law! that don't worry him— not at all; he's the aggravatin'est man — He'll set in his little workshop there, and whis- tle, and think, and plan. Inventin' a Jew's-harp to go by steam, or a new- fangled powder-horn, While the children's goin' barefoot to school and the weeds is chokin' our corn. When I've been forced to chop the wood, and tend to the farm beside, And look at 'Bijah a-settin there, I've just dropped down and cried. We lost the hull of our turnip crop while he was inventin' a gun; But I counted it one of my marcies when it bust before 'twas done. So he turned it into a "burglar alarm." It ought to give thieves a fright — 'Twould scare an honest man out of his wits, ef he sot it off at night. Sometimes I wonder ef 'Bijah's crazy, he does such cur'ous things. Hev I told you aboul his bedstead yit?— 'Twas full of wheels and springs; 150 COMIC RECITATIONS. It had a key to wind it up, and a clock face at the head; All you did was to turn them hands, and at any hour you said, That bed got up and shook itself, and bounced you on the floor, And jest shet up, jest like a box, so you couldn't sleep any more. Wa'al 'Bijah he fixed it all complete, and he sot it at half -past five, But he hadn't more'n got into it when— dear me ! sakes alive ! Them wheels began to whiz and whir ! I heard a fearful snap ! And there was that bedstead, with 'Bijah inside, shet up jest like a trap ! I screamed, of course, but 'twan't no use; then I worked that hull long night A-tryin' to open the pesky thing. At last I got in a fright ; I couldn 't hear his voice inside, and I thought he might be dyin'; So I took a crow-bar and smashed it in.— There was 'Bijah, peacefully lyin', Inventin' a way to git out again. That was all very well to say, But I don't b'lieve he'd have found it out if I'd left him in all day. Now, sence I've told you my story, do yon wonder I'm tired of life? Or think it strange I often wish I warn't an in- ventor's wife? Mrs. E. T. Corbett. SELECTED READINGS. 151 MISS EDITH HELPS THINGS ALONG. "My sister '11 be down in a minute, and says you 're to wait, if you please ; And says I might stay till she came, if I'd promise her never to tease, Nor speak till you spoke to me first. But that's nonsense ; for how would you know What she told me to say, if I didn 't ? Don 't you" really and truly think so ? "And then you'd feel strange here alone. And you wouldn't know just where to sit; For that chair isn't strong on its legs, and we never use it a bit: "We keep it to match with the sofa; but Jack says it would be like you To flop yourself right down upon it, and knock out the very last screw. 1 ' Suppose you try ! I won 't tell. You^re afraid to ! Oh ! you're afraid they would think it was mean ! Well, then, there's the album: that's pretty, if you 're sure that your fingers are clean. For sister says sometimes I daub it; but she only says that when she's cross. There's her picture. You know it? It's like her; but she ain't as good-looking, of course. "This is me. It's the best of 'em all. Now, tell me, you'd never have thought That once I was lirtle as that? It's the only 152 COMIC RECITATIONS. one that could be bought ; For that was the message to pa from the photo- graph-man where I sat— That he wouldn't print off any more till he first got his money for that. "What? Maybe you're tired of waiting. Why, often she's longer than this. There's all her back hair to do up, and all of her front curls to friz But it's nice to be sitting here talking like grown people, just you and me ! Do you think you'll be coming here often? Oh, do ! But don't come like Tom Lee— "Tom Lee, her last beau. Why, my goodness! he used to be here day and night, Till the folks thought he'd be her husband; and Jack says that gave him a fright ; You won't run away then, as he did? for you're not a rich man, they say. Pa says you're poor as a church-mouse. Now, are you ? and how poor are they ? "Ain't you glad that you met me? Well, I am; for 1 know now your hair isn 't red ! But what there is left of it's mousy, and not what that naughty Jack said. But there ! I must go ; sister 's coming ! But I wish 1 could wait, just to see If she ran up to you, and she kissed you in the way she used to kiss Lee." Bret Harte. SELECTED READINGS. 153 THE SCHOOL-MA'AM'S COURTING. 'When Mary Ann Dollinger got the skule da own thar on Injun Bay I was glad, fer I like ter see a gal makin' her honest way. I heard some talk in the village about her flyin' high, Tew high fer busy farmer folks with chores ter dew ter fly. But I paid no sorter attention ter all the talk ontel She come in her reg'lar boardin' raound ter visit with us a spell. My Jake an ' her had been cronies ever since they could walk, An' it tuk me aback ter hear her kerrectin' him in his talk. Jake ain't no hand at grammar, though he hain't his beat for work; But I sez ter myself, "Look out, my gal, yer a-foolin' with a Turk!" Jake bore it wonderful patient, an' said in a mournful way, He p'sumed he was behindhand with the doin's at Injun Bay. I remember once he was askin' Tor some o' my Injun buns, An' she said he should alius say, "them air," stid o' "them is" the ones. Wal, Mary Ann kep' at him stidy mornin' an' evenin' long, 154 COMIC RECITATIONS. Tell he dassent open his mouth for fear o' talkin' wrong. One day I was pickin' currants daown by the old quince tree, When I heerd Jake's voice a-sayin': "Be ye willin ' ter marry me!" An' Mary Ann kerrectin', "Air ye willin', yeou sh'd say." Our Jake he put his foot daown in a plum, de- cided way, "No wimmen-folks is a-goin' ter be re-arrangin' me. Hereafter I sas 'craps,' 'them is,' 'I calk 'late,' an' 'I be.' Ef folks don't like my talk they needn't hark ter what I say; But I ain't a-goin' to take no sass from folks from Injun Bay. I ask you free an ' final : Be ye goin ' ter marry me?" An' Mary Ann sez, tremblin', yet anxious-like, "I be." Florence E. Pyatt. THE DUTCHMAN'S SNAKE. Near the town of Reading, in Berks County, Pennsylvania, there formerly lived a well-to-do Dutch farmer named Peter Van Riper. His only son was a strapping lad of seventeen, also named Peter, and upon old Peter and young SELECTED READINGS. 1&J Peter devolved the principal cares of the old man's farm, now and then assisted by an ancient Dutchman named Jake Sweigkoffer, who lived in the neighborhood, and went out to work* by the day. One warm day in haying time this trio were hard at work in a meadow near the farm-house^ when suddenly Peter the elder dropped his scythe and called out : "Oh! mine gracious, Peter! Peter!" "What's de matter, fader?" answered the son, straightening up and looking at his sire. "Oh! mine Peter! Peter!" again cried the old man, ' ' do come here, right off ! Der schnake pite mine leg!" If anything in particular could disturb the nerves of young Peter, it was snakes; for he had once been chased by a black one and fright- ened nearly out of his wits. At the word snake, therefore, young Van Riper fell back, nimbly as a wire-drawer, and called out in turn: " \Yh< re is der shnake, fader ? ' ' "Here, up mine preeches!— Oh! my! my! my!" "Vy don't you kill him, fader?" exclaimed Peter, junor, keeping at a safe distance from his suffering sire. "I can't get at der little sinner, Peter; you come dake off my drowsis, or he'll kill be mit his pites. " But the fears of Peter the younger overcame his filial affection, and lent strength to his legs, for he start ('d off like a scared two-year-old to- 156 COMIC RECITATIONS. ward the old man Jake, to call him to the as- sistance of his unhappy father. A few moments atter, the two came bounding toward the old man, and as they passed a haycock where their garments had been laid when they began work Jake grabbed the vest which he supposed be- longed to his employer. During this time old Peter had managed to keep on his feet, althougn he was quaking and trembling like an aspen leaf, in a June gale of wind. "Oh! come quick, Yacob!" exclaimed he, "he pite like sixty, here, on mine leg." Old Jake was not particularly sensitive to fear, but few people, young or old, are fr^e from alarm when a "pizenous" reptile is about He seized a small pitchfork, and, telling the unhappy Van Riper to stand steady, promised to stun the reptile by a rap or two, even if he didn't kill it outright. The frightened old man did not long hesitate between the risk of a broken leg o? being bitten to death by a snake, but promptly indicated the place where Jake should strike Whack went the pitchfork, and down tumbled Peter, exclaiming, ' ' Oh ! my ! my ! my ! I pleeve you've proke mine leg! but den der shnake's gone. ' ' "Vere! vere's he gone to?" says old Sweig- hoffer, looking sharply about on the ground he stood upon. "Never mind der shnake now, Yacob," says Van Riper," come and help me up, and I'll go home." "Here, I've got your shacket— put it on," SELECTED READINGS. 157 says Jacob, lifting up the old man, and slipping him arms into the armholes of the vest. The moment old Peter made the effort to get the garment on his shoulders, he grew livid in the face— his hair stood on end — he shivered and shook— his teeth chattered, and his knees knocked an accompaniment. "0 Yacob!" ex- claimed he, "help me to go home— I'm dead! I'm dead!" "Vat's dat ou say? Ish dere nodder shnake in your preeches ? ' ' inquired the intrepid Jacob. "Not dat— I don't mean dat," says the farmer, but shust you look on me— I'm shwell all up, pigger as an ox! my shacket won't go on my pack. I'm dying mit de pizen. Oh! oh! oh ! help me home quick. ' ' The hired man came to the same conclusion; and with might and main he imrried old Peter along toward the farm-house. Meantime young Peter had run home, and so alarmed the women folks that they were in a high state of excite- ment when they saw the approach of the good old man and his assistant. Old man Peter was carried into the house, laid on a bed, and began to lament his sad mis- fortune in a most grievous maner, when the old lady, his frow, came forward and proposed to examine the bitten leg. The unhappy man opened his eyes and feebly pointed out the placq of the bite. She carefully ripped up his panta- loons, and out fell— a thistle-top— and at the same time a considerable scratch was made vis- ible. 158 COMIC RECITATIONS. ' ' Call dis a shnake ? Bah ! ' ' says the old lady, holding up the thistle. "Oh!- but I'm pizened to death, Katreen!— see, I'm all pizen!— mine shacket! — Oh! dear, mine shacket not come over mine pody ! ' ' "Haw! haw! you crazy fellow," roars the frow, "dat's not your shacket— dat's Peter's shacket ! ha ! ha ! ha ! " "Vat! dat Peter's shacket?" says old Peter, shaking off death's icy fetters at one surge, and jumping up: "Bosh! Jacob, vat an old fool you must be to say I vas shnake-pite ! Go 'pout your pusiness, gals. Peter, give me mine pipe." NO KISS. ' ' Kiss me, Will, ' ' sang Marguerite, To a pretty little tune, Holding up her dainty mouth, Sweet as roses born in June. Will was ten years old that day, And he pulled her golden curls Teasingly and answer made— "I'm too old— I don't kiss girls." Ten years pass, and Marguerite Smiles as Will kneels at her feet, Gazing fondly in her eyes, Praying ,' ' Won 't you kiss me, sweet ? ' ' 'Kite is seventeen to-day, With her birthday ring she toys For a moment, then replies : "I'm too old— I don't kiss boys." SELECTED READINGS. 159 THE LISPING LOVER. (fhl thtay one moment, love implorth, Ere yet we break thith happy thpell ! For to the thoul my thoul adorth It ith tho hard to thay farewell. And yet how thad to be tho weak, To think forever, night or day, The thenthentheth my heart would thpeak Thethe lipth can never truly thay. How mournful, too, while thuth I kneel, With nervouthneth my blith to mar, And dream each moment that I feel The boot-toe of thy thtern papa. Or yet to fanthy that I hear A thudden order to decamp, Ath dithagreeably thevere Ath — "Get out you infernal thcamp!" Yet recklethly I pauthe by thee. To lithp my hopeth, my fearth, my caretlv Though any moment I may be Turning a thorerthet down the thtairth ! LARRIE O'DEE. Now the widow McGee, And Larrie O'Dee, Had two little cottages out on the green, 160 COMIC RECITATIONS. With just room enough for two pig-pens between. The widow was young and the widow was fair, With the brightest of eyes and the brownest of hair; And it frequently chanced, when she came in the morn With the swill for her pig, Larrie came with the corn. And some of the ears that he tossed from his hand, In the pen of the widow were certain to land. One morning said he : "Och! Misthress McGee, It's a waste of good lumber, this runnin' two rigs, Wid a fancy petition betwane our two pigs !" "Indade sur, it is!" answered Widow McGee, With the sweetest of smiles upon Larrie O'Dee *'And thin, it looks kind o' hard-hearted and mane, Kapin' two friendly pigs so exsaidenly near That whiniver one grunts the other can hear, And yit kape a cruel petition betwane." ' ' Shwate Widow McGee, ' ' Answered Larrie O'Dee, "If ye fale in your heart we are mane to the Pigs, Ain't we maine to ourselves to be runnin' two rigs? Ocb ! it made me heart ache whin I paped through the cracks Of me shanty, lasht March, at yez shwingin' yer axe; SELECTED READINGS. 161 An' a bobbin' yer head an' a sthompin' yer fate. Wid yer purty white hands pisht as red as a bate, A-sphlittin' yer kindlin'-wood out in the sthorm. When one little sthove it would kape us both worm ! ' ' "Now, piggy," said she; " Larrie 's courtin' o' me, Wid his dilicate tinder allusions to you, So now yez must tell me jisht what I must do : For, if I'm to say yez, shtir the swill wid yer snout ; But if I'm to say no, ye must kape yer nose out. Now Larrie, for shame ! to be bribin' a pig By a-tossin' a handful of corn in its shwig!' "Me darlint, the piggy says yes," answered he. And that was the courtship of Larrie O'Dee. W. W. Fink. HOW PADEREWSKI PLAYS THE PIANO. First a soft and gentle tinkle, Gentle as the rain-drop's sprinkle, Then a stop, Fingers drop. Now begins a merry trill, Like a cricket in a mill ; Now a short, uneasy motion, Like a ripple on the ocean. See the fiingers dance about, 162 COMIC RECITATIONS. Hear the notes come tripping out; How they mingle in the tingle Of the everlasting jingle, Like to hailstones on a shingle, Or the ding-dong, dangle-dingle Of a sheep-bell ! Double, single Now they come in wilder gushes, Up and down the player rushes. Quick as squirrels, sweet as thrushes. Now the keys begin to clatter Like the music of a platter When the maid is stirring batter. 'er the music comes a change, Every tone is wild and strange ; Listen to the lofty tumbling, Hear the mumbling, fumbling, jumbling, Like the rumbling and the grumbling Of the thunder from its slumbering Just awaking. Now it's taking To the quaking, like a fever-and-ague shaking; Heads are aching, something's breaking- Goodness gracious! it is wondrous, Rolling round, above, and under us, Like old Vulcan's stroke so thunderous. Now 'tis louder, but the powder Will be all exploded soon ; For the only way to do, When the music's nearly through, Is to muster all your muscle for a bang, Striking twenty notes together with a clang : Hit the treble with a twang, SELECTED READINGS. 16 o Give the bass an awful whang, And close the whole performance With a siam— bang— whang ! THE FRECKLE-FACED GIRL. "Ma's upstairs changing her dress," said the freckled- faced little girl, tying her doll's bonnet strings and casting her eye about for a tidy large enough to serve as a shawl for that double- jointed young person. "Oh, your mother needn't dress up for me," replied the female agent of the missionary so- ciety, taking a self-satisfied view of herself in the mirror. "Run up and tell her to come down just as she is in her every-day clothes, and not stand on ceremony." "Oh, but she hasn't got on her everyday clothes. Ma was all dressed up in her new brown Bilk drass, 'cause she expected Miss Dimmond to- day. Miss Dimmond always comes over here to show off her nice things, and ma doesn't mean to get left. When ma saw 3 7 ou coming she said, 'the dickens!' and I guess she was mad about something. Ma said if you saw her new dress, she'd have to hear all about the poor heathen, who don't have silk, and you'd ask her for money to buy hymn books to send 'em. Say. do the nigger ladies use hymn-book leaves to do their hair up on and make it frizzy,? Ma says slif guesses that's all the good the books do em, if 164 COMIC RECITATIONS. they ever get any books. I wish my doll was a heathen." "Why, you wicked little girl! what do you want of a heathen doll?" inquired the mission- ary lady, taking a mental inventory of the new things in the parlor to get material for a homily on worldly extravagance. "So folks would send her lots of nice things to wear, and feel sorry to have her going about naked. Then she'd have her hair to frizz and I want a doll with truly hair ar„ «... 25 Centt Papei Jo*efS • 50 c an »« Clcth, Gilt Tlties 50Ler MODERN QUABKILLE CALL BOOK AND COMPLETE DANCING MASTER. By^-o. President of the American National Association ot Masters of Dancing. „„ ao „j Containing all the new modern square dances and tabulated forms for the guidance of the leader oi others in calling them, full and complete direc- tions for performing every known square dance, such a° Plain Quadrilles, Polka Quadrilles, Prairie Queen,' United States Quadrille, Presidential Quad- rille, Varieties Quadrille, Pranoaise, Cake Walk Siiadrille, Dixie Figures, Girl I Left Behind, Old an Tucker, Money Musk, Waltz Lanciers, Oak- land Minuet, Waltz Quadrilles, The German, etc. In the Bound Dances a special feature consists of the Wirth and other newest methods of teaching foe steps of the waltz, etc. 160 pages. Paper Covers „.„„„„„.. Cloth, Gold Titles 50 Cents CHAS. K. HARRIS' COMPLETE SONGSTER Coiiteining one hundred and fifty latest pop- ular isongs— successes of Mr. Harris and his staffcof famous composers. Never before would MrTHarris allow all of his songs to be sold in one single volume on account of their ever ready sale singly, but through the untiring ef- forts of the publishers at a great expense, we are now prepared to offer this superb collection of one hundred and fifty popular songs at a price within the reach of all. 200 pages, 160 songs. Paper Covers— Price 25 Centt Gloth Covers— Price 50 Cent* Any book in this list sent postpaid to any address upon receipt of price. Complete Cata logue sent free. TREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO. .25 Cent* PUBLISHERS II I INOIS. DRAKE EDITIONS ARE THE BEST. S M ^^ BECAUSE I LOVE YOU THE ffiS^ 6 ' c °urtship mw It fully explains How Maidens Become Happy Wives and Bachelors Become Happy Husbands in a brief space of time and by easy methods. Also Complete Directions for Declaring Intentions Accepting Vows and Retaining Affections both Before and After Marriage, describing the invits, tions, the dresses, the ceremony and the propei behavior of both bride and bridegroom, whether in public or behind the nuptial curtain. It also tells plainly how to begin courting, the way to get over bashfulness, the way to "sit up," the way to find a 30ft spot in the sweetheart's breast. This is just the treatise to be in the hands of every young bach- elor or maiden, every married man or women, ev- ery widow or widower, young and old— in fact it is a complete marriage guide. 200 pages. Paper Cover 25 Centi Cloth, Gold Titles 50 Cents CARD TRICKS. HOW TO DO THEM. And principles of Sleight of Hand. By A. Roter- berg. Fully illustrated. This book gives, with careful and easy instructions, the newest card tricks and slight-of-hand yet offered to profess- ionals and amateurs. Not only does this book contain aU of the new tricks, but nearly every one known is fully explained and exposed by •xplicit directions and carefully prepared illus- trations. No more agreeable form of public or private amusement can be devised than that of successful card tricks. 170 pages, 80 fine illus- trations. Paper Covers 25 Cents Cloth, Gold Titles ...50 Cents TRICKS WITH COINS. By T. Nelson Downs. A full and complete expose (illustrated) of ths Author's World-Famous Coin Creation, "The Mi- sers Dream," including the correct method of exe- cuting the Continuous Back and Front-Hand Palm. A series of absolutely new Passes with Coins, in- cluding eleven distinct and different methods of causing the disappearance of a single coin. ..This book contains a complete explanation, with illustrations of every Coin Trick known. Written in a plain, easy, comprehensive style, which makes it the very best book on coin tricks published. To the professional s*nd amateur this book will be an interesting addition to the already great number of works on what many consider to be the most fascinating art of the period. 170 pages, 95 illustra- tions. Paper Cover.. 25cts. Cloth, Gold Titles.. 50cts. Any book in this list sent postpaid to any address upon receipt of price. Complete Catalogue sent free. FREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO.. Publishers CHICAGO, ILL. The Automobile Mechanician's Catechism Over 400 Questions and Answers. Illustrated with three large folding charts with all parts fully and correctly numbered. By CALVIN F. SWINGLE, M. E. Pocket Edition, 16 mo. Full Leather, Round Corners, Red Edges, Stamped in Gold. Over 100 Pages. Price, $1.25 Adapted for use in the technical school, the work shop, or on the road. The questions asked and the answers given in this catechism will be found to be an indispensable guide to quick- er and better work by the automobile student, no matter whether that work be in the school, the shop, on the road or before the examining board of engineers. The subject matter is not made up of cuts and advertising eulogies from the catalogues of manufacturers and dealers, but consists of a plain, practical course of instruction, containing at the same time sufficient theory to enable the student to become thoroughly familiar with the basic principles controlling the design, construction and operation of modern automobiles of ail types, whether gasoline, electric, or steam driven. The questions and answers have been carefully compiled, and they are presented in a clear and concise form, covering every detail of automobile work ; a reliable instructor and assistant to the student and mechanician, while to the chauffeur the book is a most valuable guide and helper, giving correct method lor handling the machine under all conditions of service, and what to do in case of break- downs. The demand for skilled mechanics in the field of automo- bile work is constantly increasing, and especially so regarding the operation of the machines, quite a number of the states and larger cities already having rigid laws requiring chauffeurs to undergo a strict examination before a board of mechanical experts before being licensed as automobile chauffeurs or drivers. Sent prepaid to any address upon receipt of price. FREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO., Publishers 1325 Michigan Avenue - - CHICAGO, U. S. A. Scientific Horse, Mule and Ox Shoeing By i^raa O Blacksmithing STANDARD TREATISE, adapted to the demand of Veterinarians, Farriers [and the Amateur Horseshoer. Illustrated. The book is concisely written ; no long articles over the experiments of others, but gives the best methods known up to date. Although there are principles laid down in the book that will stand so long as the horse is a horse, the author does not lay any claim to infalibility or perfection; he has simply laid a foundation upon which the ironer of horses' feet may build and develop a perfect structure. Anatomy of the Foot. The Shoe and How to Make it. Eight and Wrong Filling. How to Nail the Shoe. How to Fit and Eecalk Old Shoes. Interfering. Preparing the Foot for Shoe- ing. Among some of the valuable con- tents are : — Mule Shoeing. Ox Shoeing. Diseases of the Horse. Hot and Cold Fitting. How to Shoe Vicious Horse*. Kneesprung. Stringhalt. Contraction. Sand Cracks, etc., etc. Shoeing a Trotter. Many of the fine illustrations used are reproduced by permission from books issued by the U. S. Department of Agriculture. Large 13mo, Cloth, with Special Cover Design, $1 00 Sold by Booksellers generally, or sent postpaid upon receipt of price. FREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO. PUBLISHERS CHICAGO, JL-LJJMOIS REVISED AND ENLARGED EDITION MODERN WIRING DIAGRAMS AND DESCRIPTIONS MODERNX FOB- Jifg A Hand Book of practical diagrams and information for Electrical Workers. By HENRY C. HORSTMANN and VICTOR H. TOUSLEY Expert Electricians. This grand little volume not only tells you bow to do it, but it shows you. The book contains no pictures of bells, batteries or other fittings; you can see those anywhere. It contains no Fire Underwriters' rules; you can get those free anywhere. It contains no elementary consider- ations; you are supposed to know what an ampere, a volt or a "short circuit" is. And it contains no historical matter. All of these have been omitted to make room for "diagrams and descriptions" of just such a character as workers need. We claim to give all that ordinary elec- trical workers need and nothing that they do not need. It shows you how to wire for call and alarm bells. For burglar and fire alarm. How to run bells from dynamo current. How to install and manage batteries. How to test batteries. How to test circuits. How to wire for annunciators; for telegraph and gas lighting. It tells how to locate "trouble" and "ring out" circuits. It tells about meters and transformers. It contains 30 diagrams of electric lighting circuits alone. It explains dynamos and motors; alternating and direct currents. It gives ten diagrams of ground detectors alone. It gives "Compensator" and storage battery installation. It gives simple and explicit explanation of the "Wheatstone" Bridge and its uses as well as volt-meter and other testing. It gives a new and simple wiring table covering all voltages and all losses or distances. 16mo., 290 pages, 200 illustrations; full leather binding, round corners, red edges. Size 4x6, pocket edition. PRICE Sold by booksellers generally or sent postpaid to any address upon receipt of price. FREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO.. Publishers CHICAGO, ILL. $1.50 ALL TECHNICAL TEAMS AVOIDED — " 1 L , Practical Telephone Hand Book and Guide to Telephonic Exchange == HOW TO CONSTRUCT AND MAINTAIN TELEPHONE LINES By T. S. BALDWIN, M. A. Illustrated. Containing chapters on "The Use of the Telephone, Series and Bridg- ing Phones, Line Construction, Ma- terials to be used, Locating and Cor- rection of Faults in Instruments and Lines." This is the best book ever published on Farm Telephones and has been the sensation of the past year in telephone circles. It is the only book ever issued which treats the subject exhaustively and compreheusirely. It is of inestimable value to promot- ers of rural party lines, because it contains all of the arguments that are necessary to show the advantages of rural party lines. It also tells how such lines should be constructed and cared for. The great growth of the telephone industry during the past few years, and in response to the demand for a comprehensive book, giving a clear, terse idea of the different principles govern- ing the construction, installation, care and management of the various telephones and their appliances, the Practical Telephone Hand Book has been compiled. It is written in a most clear and careful style and aims to give a complete review of the subiect of telephony. No expense has been spared in gathering valuable information and it has been the aim of the author to make this treatise the most complete elementary book ever written on this subject for all per- sons interested in this great achievement of modern science The text is profusely illustrated by cuts of commercial appa- ratus and carefully prepared diagrams of circuits. No diagram is given without a full explanation. The apparatus and methods used in making all the tests required in commercial telephone work in- cluding the exchange, are fully treated. Price, $1.00 Postpaid, FREDERICK J. DRAKE & CO. CHICAGO. This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 2 9 tt«* A **■ • , 10M-1 1-50(2355i470 remington rand inc. 20 THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA-LOS ANGELES 111 iiiii 111 urn i mini urn i mi i ii in i L 007 772 008 4 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 409 677 2