THE UNDER 
 
 PUP Bein^ a Series 
 of Talks bi^Ml Sijkes 
 Le Claire -'The Bum- 
 To His Do Mike { 
 
 Bu BILL HIMSELF 
 
 m
 
 < 
 
 IRVINE,
 
 THE UNDER PUP, 
 
 FOR 
 
 People Who Think. 
 
 A Twentieth Century 
 Live Wire. 
 
 Being a Series of Talks by Bill Sykes LeClaire 
 The Bum To His Dog Mike. 
 
 Cynicism, Philosophy and Common Horse Sense. 
 
 BY BILL HIMSELF.
 
 MX 
 
 83 
 
 COPYRIGHTED, 1912 
 
 BY 
 
 S. H. BASHOR. 
 
 HAMMOND PRESS 
 
 m. B. CONKET COMPANY 
 
 CHICAGO
 
 Dedication 
 
 THESE TALKS ARE DEDICATED TO 
 
 Aifte 
 
 BECAUSE HE IS THE BEST DOG. AND TO THE HONEST, 
 BIG HEARTED, INDUSTRIOUS, PATRIOTIC, AMBI- 
 TIOUS, EVERYDAY MAN, BECAUSE, IN THIS 
 COUNTRY, HE IS THE WHOLE CHEESE 
 
 BILL
 
 PREFACE 
 
 TWO friends were standing at the writing 
 desk in the lobby of the post office in Den- 
 ver. One was addressing a letter. Turn- 
 ing to the other, he inquired, "George, how in 
 Sam Hill do you spell Albuquerque?" George 
 replied, "A-1-b-i-c-u-r-k-y." "That is no way to 
 spell it," was the quick rejoinder. "Maybe not," 
 said George, "but spell it that way, just the same, 
 seal, stamp and drop it in the box and it will 
 reach its destination all right for no man who 
 reads English could pronounce it any thing else 
 without warping his jaw. 
 
 Now, these Talks were to Mike, an intelligent, 
 high class dog. He understood them. They 
 have been carefully revised so that you can 
 understand them. 
 
 Nothing further need be said, except that 
 neither Mike nor I vote the Socialist ticket. We 
 have met Socialism in the middle of the road, 
 been introduced to it, studied it, thoroughly un- 
 derstand it, and the only earthly use we have 
 for it is to tell the truth about it. 
 
 BILL.
 
 FOREWORD 
 
 THIS book is not sent out as a classic. It 
 was not written to enlist the eulogies of 
 the profound scholar, nor to call out the 
 ecstatic plaudits of the high-geared critic. Were 
 that true, it would not accomplish the purpose 
 for which it was written. To be perfectly frank, 
 it is a bum book on a bum subject. It is a re- 
 peater with malice aforethought from end to 
 end; and the author frankly announces himself 
 as fully able to defend it. 
 
 Socialism, as taught by its founder, is against 
 everything that human experience has found es- 
 sential in the development of civilization every 
 institution that the experience of the ages has 
 determined as elemental in maintaining a society 
 fit for decent men to live in everything from a 
 government of law and order to a monogamic 
 family as the basic unit of society, and an altar 
 of worship as essential to the satisfying of the 
 longings of the human soul. And every apostle 
 of his crack-brained theory, from its first an- 
 nouncement till to-day is a poll parrot on exactly 
 the same line. He, the author, said the existing 
 order should be destroyed; that the prevailing 
 
 9
 
 10 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 system of economics and all that supports it 
 the state, the family, the church, should be up- 
 rooted, and dumped into the waste heap. He 
 taught every sentence of it as essential socialis- 
 tic philosophy. Engles did the same, Bax, Be- 
 bel, Ferri, Guesde, Quetch, Leibknecht, Morris, 
 Spargo, Vandervelde, and on down to George D. 
 Herron, continued, and continue, to teach the 
 whole thing, hair, hide, bone and sinew, as scien- 
 tific Socialism as the fundamental elements of 
 socialistic philosophy. If you were to burn all 
 they have written elucidating, and emphasizing 
 these particular phases of the subject (and it 
 would be a mighty decent thing in you to do 
 it) there would not be enough of "scientific 
 socialism" left, with which to snuff a candle. 
 
 When any Socialist pops up and tells you that 
 Socialism is not against the state, with every law 
 on its statute books, the family with every pro- 
 tective restriction thrown around it, the church 
 with every doctrine it teaches, and means to ulti- 
 mately wipe them off of the map in order to 
 make room for a "commonwealth," without laws 
 over men, religion or a family, he is, so far as 
 authoritative socialism is concerned, a wind- jam- 
 ming ignoramus, or a bald headed prevaricator. 
 He either has not studied socialistic principles as 
 elucidated by every man of authority and mould-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 11 
 
 ing influence in Socialist ranks, or could not com- 
 prehend them if he did. 
 
 If I had quoted all Socialist standard authors 
 say, against the government, against the family, 
 against religion, and in favor of free love and 
 materialism, I would not have had extra room 
 enough between the covers of this book to have 
 said "scat;" nor if that had been done, would 
 there be left unnoticed a single principle of dis- 
 tinctive socialistic philosophy of sufficient weight 
 to demand serious attention. These are the very 
 things that make Socialism, Socialism. 
 
 Of all the villainous dope ever put in print, 
 the writings of Engles, Bax and Spargo, with 
 the blasphemous fulminations of George D. 
 Herron, against religion "cap the stack." For 
 pure, irreverent, salacious balder-dash, it chal- 
 lenges to mortal combat all the literary slop of 
 the ages. And their writings are not put out as 
 the personal opinion of the authors, but as ex- 
 plaining and emphasizing the true spirit and 
 genius of scientific international revolutionary 
 Socialism. So, I have repeated, and repeated, 
 and re-repeated, these socialistic doctrines, rung 
 the changes on them, in season and out of sea- 
 son, till the man who reads this book, even half 
 way through, cannot possibly run off and forget. 
 Many men will forget a thing until it is shot at
 
 12 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 them so often that every time they come in sight 
 of it they instinctively have to dodge. I meant 
 to drive the nail clean to the quick. 
 
 For the thousands of Socialists who have been 
 voting the ticket, simply as a matter of protest 
 against the crookedness and corruption of the "old 
 party" politicians ; or, who, without studying So- 
 cialism fully and critically and who, as a matter 
 of fact, do not know that Socialism cannot be es- 
 tablished without tearing down all of church, 
 family and state, as Marx, Herron and confreres 
 say it must, this book was conceived and written. 
 To the unsettled and uninformed, who do not 
 know that Socialism is atheistic, materialistic, free 
 love, and emphatically against all repressive laws 
 over men, and who take it for what its "class con- 
 scious" crowd cunningly assert it to be a con- 
 stitutional political party, seeking only to right 
 the wrongs of the day and reinstate honesty and 
 patriotism in public office, this book is sent on 
 its mission of warning and education. It was 
 written purposely in a way they can understand, 
 and in a style that will keep them from forget- 
 ting its message. If, after reading it, men are 
 not convinced, then I would urge them to get 
 the Socialist standard authors and read them. 
 If they will do that, and are honest and patri- 
 otic, love their families and fear God, so far as
 
 THE UNDER PUP 13 
 
 they are concerned, Socialism will be a dead duck. 
 I have nothing to say to the "class conscious" 
 Socialist. In a free country like this, where a 
 rail splitter, a canal boy and a tanner, can reach 
 the highest office in the gift of the people ; where 
 the captains of industry and the great mass of 
 efficient, high salaried and expert managers of 
 public utilities, have come up from the cabin and 
 the cottage; and where there never was a time 
 when the door was open as wide, and the call as 
 loud, for ambitious, willing, industrious men as 
 now the "class conscious" Rube is as much out 
 of place as a gin mill in a town of total ab- 
 stainers. 
 
 For that class there are a few suggestive ques- 
 tions. Don't answer them, gentlemen, right off 
 the reel. Think a little first, and think with your 
 minds. 
 
 Two boys were born of the same parents, 
 raised on the same farm, educated in the same 
 school, equally taught the science of farming and 
 stock-raising. Twenty years ago, each fell heir 
 to one hundred and sixty acres of Iowa land. 
 The road separated the two farms. They were 
 of equal fertility and equally well improved. 
 The father stocked each farm with an equal num- 
 ber of high grade animals, and with all necessary 
 tools for first-class farming. To-day, George has
 
 14 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 one of the most highly developed farms in his 
 county. The soil is even richer now, than it was 
 twenty years ago. Everything about the place 
 is strictly first-class. George is known to be 
 both prosperous and contented with various out- 
 side interests. Tom's farm has run down for all 
 of the twenty years. The soil is thin, the stock is 
 not of the highest grade, and is poorly sheltered 
 and poorly fed. It is said there is a mortgage 
 on the land. Tom is a kicker and a knocker. He 
 blames the times, the country, capitalism and 
 crooked politics for his condition, is class con- 
 scious and votes the Socialist ticket. Now where 
 is the trouble? What is to blame for the differ- 
 ent condition of the two men, their farms, their 
 stock, their bank account? Would Socialism 
 have helped Tom? Or was it something inherent 
 in him that kept him down? Where is the 
 "nigger in the wood pile?" 
 
 Two boys of the same age went to work in a 
 store as salesmen. In a few years George was 
 advanced to the head of a department, then 
 later, was made buyer, and still later, became 
 junior partner. To-day, he is head of the firm. 
 Frank is still only a clerk. Why this difference? 
 Who, or what, is to blame? 
 
 Two boys went to work on a railroad twenty- 
 five years ago as section hands. One of them
 
 THE UNDER PUP 15 
 
 is to-day general superintendent of the system. 
 The other is back in the town where he was born, 
 janitor of the public school building, cussing eco- 
 nomic conditions and voting the Socialist ticket. 
 What is the secret of the difference in the con- 
 dition of the two men? Where was the screw 
 loose ? 
 
 Two poor boys started up a peanut-stand and 
 a "shine parlor." One of them is to-day owner 
 of a prosperous factory in the suburbs of the 
 town. The other has a little third-rate notion 
 store around the corner. Why did things turn 
 out that way? 
 
 Two boys started in to learn the carpenter 
 trade. To-day one of them is a large prosper- 
 ous contractor. The other one is still working 
 at so much per day. Why this difference in the 
 outcome? Where was the rub? In economic 
 conditions, or in the mettle of the two men? 
 
 Two boys went west, each with $1000 capital. 
 That was thirty years ago. To-day one of them 
 is a merchant prince, employing over two hun- 
 dred clerks. The $10,000-a-year manager of 
 his entire establishment worked as a clerk twelve 
 years ago at $18 per week. The other man was, 
 last year, floor walker in the dry goods depart- 
 ment of his old friend's store. What is the secret 
 of the difference?
 
 16 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Now, when the "class conscious" Socialist 
 solves these problems and does it sensibly and 
 correctly he will have solved about all the eco- 
 nomic ills of to-day. That done, if he is the 
 sensible American he ought to be, he will stop 
 growling and croaking and go to work. He will 
 stop blaming "capitalism" if he is not climbing 
 up in the world, and will begin to comprehend 
 that the major portion of his trouble is in him- 
 self. There always have been inequalities among 
 men, and there always will be. As long as all 
 men have not the same brain power, the same 
 ambition, and the same amount of physical en- 
 ergy, there will be inequalities for which no sys- 
 tem of economics, that is not based on pure 
 sophistry, can offer any sort of equalizing solu- 
 tion. 
 
 The German, the Scandinavian and other 
 northern and western Europeans come to Amer- 
 ica as poor as "church mice." They live here 
 ten to twenty years, and are, at the end of that 
 time, among our most prosperous and loyal 
 farmers, merchants and artisans. The country 
 is full of others, with the same opportunities 
 staring them in the face, and the same hand of 
 fortune beckoning them on. But they are as 
 poor now as they were twenty years ago many 
 of them even closer to the ragged edge, Mr.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 17 
 
 "class conscious" Socialist, the difference is in 
 the quality and character of the men and not in 
 the times, want of opportunity, nor in unequal 
 economic conditions. 
 
 I know this for a hard, solid fact, and if you 
 will think with your brains instead of with your 
 heels you will know it as well as I. 
 
 This book is sent out to the average man, to 
 help him see that our personal condition is more 
 the result of natural causes than of victimizing 
 economic conditions, to stimulate him to the 
 point where he will see that he can also be some- 
 body if he will shake off his lethargy, take some- 
 thing for his liver, and launch out for individual 
 success. There is success ahead for every man. 
 If he will keep in the middle of the road and not 
 sit down too often to rest, he will run it down in 
 the end. Let the simple fact that what you will 
 be in fortune in fifteen years from to-day de- 
 pends on what you do, how you live, and what 
 you are between times let that homely truth 
 "stick to the ribs," and you will begin to depend 
 on yourself as to where, in the world of fortune, 
 you finally land. 
 
 When Mike and I wanted quail for supper, 
 we always got it. We just kept on hunting till 
 we found it. Often it was a long, hard hunt, 
 but when we got it, it tasted the better for the
 
 18 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 extra exertion to which we were put; didn't it, 
 old man? The only way you can get rich quick 
 is to do big things or rob somebody. Fortune, 
 like genius, comes at the end of a long road of 
 self sacrifice and hard, incessant work. Lie idle 
 and growl, and you will lose; work, sing, save, 
 and you will win. 
 
 BILL.
 
 JUST we two. Mike and I. Man and dog. 
 Companions, chums, partners. 
 
 Breed: Anglo-American, Aredale Scotch 
 terrier. 
 
 Age: In the prime of manhood, and dog- 
 hood. 
 
 Nativity: Mississippi Valley, U. S. A. 
 
 Education: Thirty-third degree post-gradu- 
 ates from the school of experience. 
 
 Occupation: Travelers bread winners, un- 
 classified. 
 
 Politics: Ishmaelites. 
 
 Religion: Orthodox; eclectic. 
 
 Condition: Mostly hungry. Man, ragged; 
 dog well dressed. Poor now millionaires in 
 prospect. 
 
 Character: Man, from the man standpoint, 
 questionable. Dog, from the dog standpoint, 
 perfect. 
 
 If there ever was a perfect pup, Mike you're 
 it; you are all silk and twenty-four inches wide. 
 We have globe-trotted together day in and day 
 
 19
 
 20 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 out, weeks, months, years. We have been wet, 
 cold, half-starved, run over, knocked down, 
 dragged out, shot at, too well-fed, comfortable 
 and a paradise of plenty. Through it all you 
 have been the same happy-go-lucky, high- 
 minded, exemplary, classy, contented dog you 
 were when we first met. You didn't know it, 
 Mike, but through it all I have studied you and 
 read you like a book, and that has made me 
 study myself. And, from every comparative 
 moral standpoint, you are the better of the two. 
 Your standard of morals are sky high by the 
 side of mine. You live yours. I take most of 
 mine out in resolving and thinking. 
 
 You despise liquor and you never get drunk. 
 They tried to pour it down your throat once, 
 and you scared the scamps that did it into a com- 
 plexion like milk. You have never gotten into 
 the ditch except after me. You have never gone 
 back on a friend. You have never acted a lie 
 never. You have never abused, or bullied, or 
 jumped on a small dog; and you have literally 
 wiped the earth with bigger dogs than you that 
 did. You have always been on the side of the 
 weak. You never took, nor tried to take, from 
 others when you had plenty for yourself. You 
 have never refused to help others when you, in 
 any way, could understand how it could be done.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 21 
 
 You never, in all our long friendship, mistreated 
 me, while you know I've often mistreated you. 
 I've scolded and yelled, and kicked, and struck 
 at you. You never even growled back at me. 
 You have seen anger and vengeance in my eyes. 
 I've seen only kindness, good-will, love or fear in 
 yours. I've sworn and struck at men who abused 
 you. And you have literally chawed up dogs 
 that jumped on me. I'm even with you there 
 for once, old chap. Man invariably argues that 
 in every good quality he is superior to his dog, 
 but in all cases I have noticed that the evidence 
 is of that ignus fatuus quality known among 
 physicians as absent treatment. 
 
 We have had some gloriously bully good fights 
 for each other makes the blood run warm to 
 even think about it especially about the times 
 when we came out on top. I got pounded up 
 proper a time or two, but you, you concentrated 
 bunch of courage, and chain lightning in ac- 
 tion, you never came within a thousand miles of 
 getting licked even once. There, you are ahead 
 of me again, old man. You never picked a 
 quarrel with man or dog. I've done both. You 
 score again. That time I was sick with fever, 
 you stuck by me like a brother; you tried, in 
 your dumb dog way, to comfort and encourage 
 me. They said when I was unconscious and be-
 
 22 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 yond speaking to you, that you hung around the 
 door, half sick yourself, and refused to drink or 
 eat. I actually believe that, had I mounted the 
 sunbeam stairway, you would have kept mid- 
 night vigil over my grave till starvation set 
 you free. I'd have been around in spirit and 
 called, and I know you'd have answered back. 
 Some people think there is no future life or con- 
 scious heaven for dogs, Mike, but they don't 
 know. They never studied dogology. But you 
 know, and I know, don't we, old man? We sure 
 do. 
 
 Love never dies, you have a mountain of that 
 commodity to give away. Faithfulness, fidelity, 
 never die. That's you double name, Mike. Truth 
 never dies ; you are supersensitive on that virtue. 
 Joy, gladness, good will, a gracious spirit never 
 die. All are expressed in the one word, Mike. 
 Charity, justice, abounding confidence; every 
 one of them will be in heaven. That fixes your 
 title clear, government sealed, divinely war- 
 ranted, individually delivered; you bet. 
 
 As an all around dog, Mike, you are a star. 
 You pulled me out of the river when I was 
 drowning. You guided my drunken footsteps 
 out of the ditch, and freezing cold, into warmth 
 and comfort, again and again. You stood by 
 me when wife and family and, even father, for-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 23 
 
 sook me. And if there are bread and meat, and 
 a warm place to sleep, and any sort of a heaven, 
 or any other good thing for dogs, I'll work day 
 and night to see that you get them one and all. 
 Down where I worked last summer, they did 
 not want me at first, because you were along. 
 Then, little by little, they came to know your 
 real worth as I know it. When we were ready to 
 leave they wanted to keep you for good. Tried 
 to buy you, Mike; said you were too high-class 
 to be owned by a tramp offered me one hun- 
 dred dollars for you. One Hundred Dollars! 
 Now what do you know about that? That is 
 some money for a tramp. Think of a hobo sell- 
 ing a dog like you for one hundred plunks, and 
 then sneaking off through the cornfield and you 
 whining to go along, and can't, because you are 
 tied with a rope. No, siree, not much. I'm some 
 mean old man, but not mean enough for a stunt 
 like that. No, Mike, we'll not separate for gold. 
 Even liquor, bought with blood money like that, 
 wouldn't taste good ; a drunk on that sort of fire 
 water would burn a hole in a copper statue. No 
 sir, we hit the pike together. If we have much 
 or little, we'll divide it and share it on the square. 
 If we starve, we'll starve together, and when the 
 rainbow touches the ground, and the stars shine 
 out, and when the immortal throng, in the sweet
 
 24 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 red glow of the evening, mount the stairway of 
 endless beauty, we will be together, and we'll go 
 together, along with the crowd. 
 
 But, Mike, since we heard that strident ex- 
 horter, on the streets of Denver, changing rags 
 into garments of purple in the coming socialist 
 commonwealth, I have been thinking a thing OT 
 two. That is a funny thing for a tramp to do 
 to think but I sure have. Our condition is bad 
 enough, God knows. But whose fault is it? Not 
 yours, Mike; certainly not. You have always 
 done everything any decent dog could do to bet- 
 ter our condition, and you have succeeded a 
 great many times. You've been faithful, you've 
 been optimistic and patient, and you've tried, in 
 your silent dog talking way, to inspire and en- 
 courage, and make life companionable and bear^ 
 able ; no question about that. So, Mike, you are 
 excused, your bill of health is clean, your grade 
 100 plus. Well, then, is it in my stars that we 
 are homeless, and poor, and despised, and tossed 
 about? Is it in the social and economic con- 
 ditions in which we are submerged that we are 
 mostly meatless, breadless, penniless, and on the 
 bum? Was that agitator on the street correct, 
 when he blamed everybody but the poor, for be- 
 ing poor ? I am afraid not. I am afraid it is not 
 in our stars, nor in existing unequal economic
 
 THE UNDER PUP 25 
 
 conditions, Mike, but in me that we are the under 
 pups in the tangle. 
 
 I hear these street yawpers prate of the in- 
 equalities of life, and I know every one of them 
 is dead wrong. So do you. I watched you and 
 the farmer's dog chase that hare the other day. 
 You caught the hare because you were the faster 
 dog. I saw you and the hunter's dog tracking 
 a wolf. You did it best because you had the 
 keener sense of smell. I saw that big Newfound- 
 land jump on you in Omaha last spring; you 
 whipped him to a frazzle, before the crowd could 
 circle around to watch the contest, because you 
 understood more fully the science of the game. 
 No, no, Mike, it is not because of environment, 
 nor in the twist of economic conditions, that one 
 loses and the other wins. The secret lies in the 
 spirit and quality of the dog. 
 
 Robert Squeeze and I were boys together, of 
 the same age ; we left school together ; we learned 
 our trade together; we received the same wages, 
 and worked for the same house; he put his sur- 
 plus in the Building and Loan, and I put mine 
 in the booze joint and places of amusement. He 
 went to night school, to improve his mind, and 
 prepare for a better trade; I spent my evenings 
 at the "Poor Man's Club" the saloon. He now 
 has a home, a happy family money in the bank
 
 26 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 is honored and respected; I am a hobo, 
 hungry and dead broke. Again, it is not eco- 
 nomic conditions, Mike ; it is individual initiative. 
 It is the temper, the mettle, the quality, the 
 moral stamina of the man. 
 
 Everyone has an equal chance in this glori- 
 ously free country of ours, Mike, and if he does 
 not win something besides poverty, and misery 
 and hunger, it is because he is a dreamer, a dere- 
 lict, or blind to his opportunities. I have kicked 
 on the inequalities of conditions till my toes were 
 sore, but when sane, I always saw that the mer- 
 chant who delivers the goods gets the trade. The 
 pig that runs the swiftest gets the slop ; and the 
 man who watches where he hits, instead of watch- 
 ing the clock, gets the maximum check. That's 
 as sure as justice as sure as that three and 
 three make six, and as right as right can be. 
 
 There always have been inequalities of life. 
 There always will be. Even in the "coming 
 brotherhood" the beneficent "Social common- 
 wealth" Mike, there must be hewers of wood 
 and drawers of water. Some men will have to 
 clean cess-pools; others empty and scrub cuspi- 
 dors. Reckon there will be then, as there are 
 now, and always have been, plenty of men just 
 of the right size and temper for the job; and 
 pay checks, then, as now, will size up according
 
 THE UNDER PUP 27 
 
 to the capacity of the worker and the quality of 
 the work. Give an ambitious chap a job and 
 grade his pay according to the character, quality, 
 and volume of the work done, and the chances 
 are he will naturally fill his position so full that 
 he will run over into something better. 
 
 That method will naturally inspire greatness 
 and put a premium on efficiency and progress. 
 But introduce a system under which every man, 
 regardless of capacity and efficiency, is to work 
 the same number of hours, drop his tools on the 
 exact tick of the clock, or be fined, and receive 
 precisely the same wage, and that minute you 
 can employ the poet laureate to write the requiem 
 of a decaying civilization. 
 
 Place two men side by side at the bench. Give 
 them the same class of work and the same tools. 
 Place a premium on the quality and volume of 
 the output. If the right mettle is in Jones he 
 will out-strip Smith. The company wins and 
 Jones goes higher. A three-minute horse stays 
 in the three-minute class. "A runt always sucks 
 the hind teat," and a drone makes no honey; his 
 destiny is to get it in the neck. 
 
 I worked with a lackey in a railroad shop once. 
 We (the union) fined him for working over 
 hours without pay, showing the boss the correct 
 method of manipulating an intricate machine.
 
 28 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 He paid the fine all right, and no complaint. He 
 was dead game. But, Mike, he is now superin- 
 tendent of the system, and I am a hobo. It's 
 tough on me, but it's a square deal. The lackey 
 of ten years ago, who is a lackey still, has his 
 vision warped. Did it by always keeping his 
 eyes on the clock and on the boss at the same 
 time. The fact that men, with no better trade 
 than I have, are forging ahead all the time ; the 
 fact that there are poor men who won't stay 
 down, and that conditions cannot keep down; 
 and the further fact that ability and efficiency 
 are recognized and decently treated, at all times, 
 and everywhere, is an unanswerable argument 
 why the master of as good a dog as you are, 
 ought to be a better man than I am. I am not 
 down because I could not stay up, but because 
 I would not. 
 
 The man who can step three feet at a time 
 and refuses to step more than two, has no call 
 to blame the procession when he falls behind; 
 and he is an imbecile to sit down and cry, or 
 limp off and get drunk, because it won't wait. 
 We have traveled a good deal, Mike, and we 
 have seen a good deal, and we have found this 
 one invariable rule, that the fellow who howls 
 the loudest, and kicks the hardest against exist- 
 ing conditions, his poverty and want, is the chap
 
 THE UNDER PUP 29 
 
 that does the least to help remedy them him- 
 self. If he would exercise half the ingenuity to 
 make a living by the sweat of his brow, that he 
 does in warping his jaw to create class hatred 
 against men who, by industry and frugality, be- 
 came rich, he'd have a table of plenty where he 
 now has nothing but scraps and soup. 
 
 Briers and cockleburs come without cultiva- 
 tion, but it takes plowing to grow corn. 
 
 There are a lot of things you and I know, 
 Mike, and they are so simple and self-evident 
 that everybody else ought to know them. One 
 of them is that every man who wants work in 
 this country, who is industrious and works to 
 the interest of his employer, can get it. He 
 never needs to be idle. Another is, that the 
 man who keeps his eyes open to the main chance, 
 who anticipates his employer by doing the little 
 needed things at odd moments on his own initia- 
 tive, and always doing them extra well is con- 
 stantly in demand and never out of money. His 
 family do not need to go cold or hungry through 
 the winter. He does not need to hunt for work. 
 The best jobs and the best wages hunt him. He 
 is always busy, always climbing higher, always 
 in the sunshine. 
 
 Old man Hafer used to come where I was 
 loafing and ask where my brother Lucian was.
 
 30 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 He wanted a good, steady, industrious hand. I 
 wonder if any class-conscious yap could explain 
 why the old man, after he had tried us both a 
 few times, always wanted Lou; and why it was 
 Lou always had money, while I was generally 
 broke; why I was usually idle and broke, Lou 
 usually busy and flush with cash. 
 
 Another thing any body can see with half an 
 eye is that ninety per cent of the Rubes who are 
 always kicking about not being able to find work, 
 cannot hold a job when they get it. They are no 
 account on general principles. They do what 
 they are driven to do, and employers, rather 
 than be always driving, let them go altogether. 
 So you find them sitting around knocking 
 against the rich, the country, the industrial con- 
 ditions. It is so much easier to kick with their 
 mouths than it is to work with their hands. 
 
 The whole thing, as I see it, can be summed up 
 in the history of Sam and Joe Sevier. Both 
 worked for old Colonel Nelson at the mill. Both 
 were paid the same wages to start with. Joe was 
 industrious and frugal. He saved something out 
 of his wages every month; said there were a lot 
 of places he'd like to go, and a lot of things he'd 
 like to do, but, if he laid up for a "rainy day" he 
 couldn't afford it. So he denied himself those 
 special costly things, and put his money in the 
 bank.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 31 
 
 Sam said there was nothing too good for him, 
 that any thing he wanted he was going to have 
 and he had it. He called Joe a tight-wad and a 
 money grubber, and in a way, I reckon he was. 
 But he was watching for something Sam didn't 
 see. He finally saw it. It was a better job. The 
 work was harder but the pay was better, and he 
 took it. He made himself both useful and effi- 
 cient. Only a little while and they raised his 
 wages. He was able to save more than ever, and 
 saved it. His loyalty to the interest of his em- 
 ployer, his sobriety, his industry and efficiency, 
 kept on getting him better positions and higher 
 wages till, at last, the firm took him in as junior 
 partner with an interest in the profits of the 
 business. Now he is head of the firm, is wealthy 
 and can go where he pleases, and is able to get 
 anything he wants. His old age will be one of 
 comfort and ease a constant celebration. Sam 
 is still, at the end of twenty years, working at 
 odd jobs around the mill general utility roust- 
 about. He will do in his old age what Joe did 
 in his youth practice self-denial. He will do 
 it from necessity. Joe did it from choice. 
 
 Do you see the point, comrade? Sam lived 
 like the boss when he was young. Joe lived like 
 the hired hand. Sam will live like the hired hand 
 when he is old. Joe will live like the boss and
 
 32 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 nine to one when they are old, Joe will be com- 
 pelled to help Sam or Sam will have a hard time. 
 Sam blames the country, its conditions and the 
 greediness of the boss. Joe knows better; he 
 tells Sam where the difference is and why. But 
 that don't help Sam. It only makes Sam mad. 
 Sam's hind sights are as poor now as were his 
 front sights when he was young, So, Mike, as 
 I said on the start, the trouble is not in your star, 
 it is in the nature and quality of the dog. I had 
 just as well have a home, money in the bank, and 
 sunshine ahead, as to be sitting here ragged, 
 dirty, eating a hand-out, talking to a dog, and 
 headed straight for the inebriate asylum or some 
 place a good deal worse. 
 
 I know there were lots and lots of people at 
 the free lunch counters last winter. But where 
 were they all the summer before? What they 
 were during the winter was the legitimate result 
 of what they did in the summer. The thing to 
 do is to get hold of them and make them work 
 and save their money through the summer, and 
 they won't need to stand around the soup houses 
 working up sympathy during the winter. But 
 make the yaps see it, will you? It is not a sys- 
 tem of vicious economics that is bothering our 
 crowd, Mike, it is mostly hook-worms. 
 
 It is getting late, old man; let's crawl in this 
 straw and go to sleep.
 
 TALK TWO 
 
 IT is a strange thing, Mike, how these glib 
 tongued street screamers capture the masses. 
 Even an irresponsible roving Rube can shoot 
 holes in their logic without half trying. You re- 
 member how that jay in Denver mingled facts 
 and fancy ; how his voice vibrated with sympathy 
 for the innumerable army of tramps as he pic- 
 tured our homeless condition, our hunger, our 
 squalor, our want, our irresponsible roving, all 
 brought about through the greed and grind of 
 that monster capitalism ; how he wrung the pa- 
 thetic changes on the "enslaved" and the unbear- 
 able condition of the American workingman 
 his home a hovel, his music the wail of hunger and 
 the cry for bread. Then how his voice turned 
 to vinegar and his soul to gall as his "socialistic 
 mind" dwelt on the sumptuousness and arro- 
 gance of the rich, and the profligacy and in- 
 humanity of the capitalists of the age. 
 
 Now, some of it was true. Not much, but 
 some. No man could talk as long, as loud, and 
 as fast as he did without wobbling onto a fact 
 now and then ; but it would have taken an ever- 
 lasting lots of imagination to weave in more 
 fancy.
 
 34 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 When he insisted that the "growing army of 
 tramps" is the direct result of unequal economic 
 conditions every hobo present and there were 
 a dozen or more grinned, and Waggles swears 
 he saw you look at me and wink. 
 
 Now, the fact is, every tramp present knew 
 that he was one from unreserved, deliberate, per- 
 sonal choice. Economic conditions, "capitalistic 
 oppression," the law of industrial necessity had 
 about as much to do with it as common horse 
 sense had in framing the socialist theory of eco- 
 nomic determinism. 
 
 You remember, Mike, that we adjourned 
 from the street to the saloon speaker, hoboes 
 and all. In the saloon we talked over the speech, 
 lit into capitalism red hot, and tanked up on 
 booze. But, old man, if you noticed, it was the 
 "down-trodden wage slave" that invariably 
 footed the bill. If the hundreds of hard earned 
 dollars shot over the bar for gin, by "labor lack- 
 eys" that night, had been carried home and spent 
 for food, there would have been a mighty lot of 
 much more wholesome dinners served in work- 
 ingmen's homes in Denver the next day. That 
 is a dead cold fact, and why those men could not 
 see it and change cars is the f ourteen-fifteen puz- 
 zle in the mind of your chum. 
 
 Now, if the millions of plunks dumped into the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 35 
 
 gin mill every month, in this great country of 
 ours, by wage earners men who know they can- 
 not afford to drink, treat others, and get drunk 
 were spent in paying for homes, for food and 
 clothing, fifty per cent of the charity organiza- 
 tions would die from sheer inanition inside of 
 one year. 
 
 But it is the "Poor Man's Club." Sure, Mike. 
 And a poverty-provoking, pocket-emptying, 
 home-destroying, ragged Rube-begetting club it 
 is, isn't it? You and I know. We've been 
 through the mill. It is the poor man's club, 
 drunk or sober, as long as he has money; but 
 when his roll is gone and his pockets are empty, 
 his welcome ends and he is cussed out or bodily 
 fired out. Like all other capitalistic institutions 
 it was organized to make money. When a chap 
 has no money he is not wanted. It is the poor 
 man's club and no mistake. Its sole mission up 
 to date has been to keep the poor man poor; and 
 if there ever was a slick machine invented one 
 that never slips a cog, blunts an edge, nor fails 
 to turn out the finished article in the most ar- 
 tistic and flawless way it is this same "Poor 
 Man's Club," devised and thrown on the market 
 to keep the poor man poor to get some of his 
 dollars at first all of them at last. 
 
 But this is treason for a bum. Prohibition,
 
 36 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 eh? Yeow! Now, who said anything about pro- 
 hibition? Isn't this a free country? Has any 
 man, or set of men any right to interfere with 
 my liberty; to say what I shall eat or what I 
 shall drink? Not on your life. That is the ap- 
 proved, blustering, big injun talk, Mike, when 
 you are the owner of the club, when you distill 
 the juice, when your appetite is keener than 
 your judgment, when your pockets are lined 
 with money, as mine were ten years ago. But 
 now, when the "poor man's club" has milked me 
 dry, I'm a vagabond, hungry and dead broke, I 
 reckon, old chap, that other people decent, 
 sober, charitable, respectable people rather have 
 the drop on the argument in my case. 
 
 It is the proper thing to talk big, swear loud 
 and swagger around with a chip on your shoul- 
 der when you have money, or an axe to grind; 
 but when you have wasted you substance buy- 
 ing booze, when you have lost your job through 
 dissipated habits; when you have wrecked your 
 family through neglect and gaunt hunger stares 
 you in the face, then other people people you 
 have cussed and maligned, called goody-goodies 
 and pious hypocrites must say what you eat, or 
 you starve ; say what you wear or you go naked ; 
 say where you sleep or it is out-of-doors; say 
 how you live or you hit the potters field, and hit
 
 THE UNDER PUP 37 
 
 it quick and hard and don't you forget it for 
 a single minute. 
 
 No, no, old dog, as I see it, it is not a ques- 
 tion of saloon or no saloon, prohibition or license, 
 we are talking about. It is, as the Socialists say, 
 a question of economics the < question as to 
 whether a chap whose income will not allow him 
 to take money from supporting his family, from 
 the nest-egg for old age, and a rainy day, and 
 spend it in self-indulgence in cultivating an ab- 
 normal appetite, that in the end will get his goat, 
 and fill his declining years with suffering and 
 want is not economically rank crazy when he 
 does it. If I had had the sense of a common chip- 
 munk, I'd have saved for the family and the 
 winter of old age first and cultivated my appetite 
 afterwards. 
 
 If that class-conscious mutt in Denver had 
 given the boys wholesome advice, had told them 
 that if they would only deny themselves, reason- 
 ably, now, for the sake of the future, it would 
 have been worth its weight in gold. If he had 
 told them the truth that ninety per cent of the 
 men in the West began life as poor as they, and 
 gained a competence saving little by little, and 
 that they could do the same, and in a few years 
 be on the road to fortune and comfort; had he 
 done that, I say, instead of making a sour apple
 
 38 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 appeal to class hatred, how much more of self- 
 reliance and healthful ambition it would have 
 instilled in the minds of the men present; and 
 how much more hopefully and cheerfully they 
 would have gone to their homes. 
 
 I tell you, Mike, it is a dirty shame that a 
 lot of class-conscious political jays who cannot, 
 or will not, see that the major per cent of our 
 poverty and want come from prodigal, indolent 
 habits and natural causes, are constantly venting 
 their spleen on questions, the breadth and depth 
 of which they are unable to grasp. That yap 
 in Denver, howling about, "It is not charity we 
 want, but justice" did not see that if he, and a 
 lot of his ilk, had justice they would be shut off 
 of the street with their foreign un-American ap- 
 peal to a class spirit that does not exist in Amer- 
 ica, has no place in our system, and works un- 
 told injury to every poor man who acquires it. 
 Justice would send him to school, put him to 
 work, and teach him the American spirit of "I 
 am the equal of any other man on earth, and I 
 can and will succeed. If I do not get on top 
 to-day, I will to-morrow or next day or next 
 year. But I'll do it." A man of that kind would 
 be of some use in a country where each man is 
 as big as every other one, and most of the time 
 a heap bigger. A class-conscious mutt in Amer- 
 ica, Mike, is a piker and a joke.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 39 
 
 Then, you remember his balder-dash about 
 "unearned increment," about economic determin- 
 ism, about every man being entitled to what (or 
 all) he creates. Sounded fine, didn't it? Was a 
 pippin with the peelin' on, wasn't it? But when 
 you analyze it, you find it reverses all the facts of 
 human experience, and is a denial of the actual 
 events of history. In the light of personal ob- 
 servation and experience, and I've had a heap of 
 both, I say that eighty per cent of the people 
 do get a just proportion of what they create and 
 most of the rest a mighty sight more. 
 
 Walter Case went to the Klondike. He struck 
 it rich. Washed out three hundred thousand 
 dollars in gold. It was all his. He alone en- 
 dured the hardships and did the work necessary 
 to secure it. He came back to Owensville. There 
 were over one hundred skilled workmen out of 
 a job. All of us combined did not have money 
 or credit enough to build one side of a factory. 
 Our only capital was our strength, our muscle 
 and our skill. Walt's capital was a cumulative 
 mind, public spirit and his three hundred thou- 
 sand in gold. He saw where he could help us, 
 and while doing that could also help the town 
 and help himself. He bought land, built a fac- 
 tory, equipped it, furnished the raw material, 
 found a market for the out-put, paid the taxes 
 and insurance took all the risk.
 
 40 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 He gave us all steady employment six days 
 every week. Paid us on the basis of each man's 
 earning capacity. Piece work ~yas his hobby. 
 Said by that plan no man would be cheated 
 that each would get the full benefit of his effi- 
 ciency and skill; that every man who had am- 
 bition would have every incentive to advance, 
 and none but drones would lag behind. 
 
 Our muscle and skill formed exactly one-half 
 of the capital stock, Walt and his money the 
 other half. Neither could have run a factory 
 without the other. But Walt went further than 
 that. He did the square thing in another line. 
 He organized a building and loan association in 
 the town; urged us to buy lots and build homes 
 on the instalment plan ; said that was the thrifty, 
 prudent thing to do that in that way the amount 
 we'd pay in rent would go to paying for a home, 
 that paying rent to the landlord was like buying 
 a dead horse. 
 
 A lot of the fellows saw the point, took his 
 advice, and now own their own homes, and no 
 thanks to anybody. As paying so much each 
 month on their homes gave them the saving habit 
 many of them kept it up, now have stock in the 
 factory, money in the bank, and are adding to 
 it every pay day. Some of them have gone 
 into business for themselves, and Rube Jones
 
 THE UNDER PUP 41 
 
 told me the last time we met, were doing well- 
 getting rich. 
 
 My work made me $3.50 per day, but I could 
 not see it to buy a home. I wanted a good time 
 as I went along. Others were like me, and so 
 we spent our money at the cheap shows and in 
 the booze joints. We could easily have saved 
 one dollar or more per day. It would have taken 
 some self-denial, but we were not the self-deny- 
 ing kind. Most of us didn't save a sou. Instead 
 of saving money, we spent it in self-indulgent 
 habits; not in luxuries for the wife and kiddies, 
 but on our narrow, selfish selves. 
 
 After taking all the chances, all the risks of 
 the enterprise, coupled with the fluctuation in 
 prices, Walt was satisfied with ten per cent on 
 his investment. We working men, as a whole 
 the other half of the capital stock could have 
 saved from our wages more than ten per cent 
 of the capital investment had we tried. The 
 frugal, prudent part of the gang averaged in 
 savings considerable more than ten per cent. 
 Walt gave us a squarer deal than most of us 
 gave ourselves. And, Mike, believe it or not, 
 all the class-conscious kickers and knockers be- 
 long to our end of the bunch. The fellows that 
 saved their money have no kick coming. They 
 are contented. They know economic conditions
 
 42 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 are not against men who have ambition to climb, 
 and thrift to save. Socialism doesn't bother them 
 not even a little bit. Had I staid at home and 
 saved my money as Bob Squeeze did, I'd now 
 have a home paid for, a good bank account, a 
 happy contended family, and be somebody, in- 
 stead of what I am a runaway, a derelict and 
 a tramp. 
 
 No wonder I am homeless and forsaken. The 
 only reason you love me and stand by me Mike, 
 I reckon, is because you are a dog. Seems to 
 me that the only time I ever have a sane mo- 
 ment, on how I ought to live, is when I am getting 
 over a souse. When a fellow lets his candle go 
 out and won't provide matches he must sit in the 
 dark. The hunter who has wasted his powder 
 must handle an empty gun; and he who refuses 
 to step aside is ground under the wheels. 
 
 You would have been a badly chawed up part- 
 ner, Mike, had you always refused to fight. 
 Less ginger in your makeup, and you, long since, 
 would have been a dead dog. 
 
 The man who refuses to take a chance is 
 mighty apt to lose in the game. He who stands 
 and watches till the birds are out of range goes 
 home with an empty bag. Scolding and swear- 
 ing after you are bit is no excuse for having 
 cornered a friendly dog.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 43 
 
 The whole life question resolves itself into 
 about this: Joe Sevier worked hard, scrimped, 
 saved, lived frugal, the early active part 
 of his life. His middle age is one of com- 
 fort and growing income. His old age will be 
 one of rest, plenty and content. His brother, 
 Sam, was profligate, sporty, spendthrift, self- 
 indulgent in his active years. He enters middle 
 life as poor as when he began and in old age will 
 face the hardest, stormiest, most exacting period 
 of his existence. When you stop to think of it, 
 Mike, Joe has had horse sense all his life. Sam 
 never had any. 
 
 A friend of mine made his pile in honest trade. 
 He bought a fine big farm, equipped and stocked 
 it, all ready for work. That was just half the 
 game. He said I had the other half of the neces- 
 sary capital, essential to success good health, 
 practical knowledge of farming, native executive 
 ability and a willing hand. Said, that if I would 
 move on to the farm, manage and cultivate it, 
 he would pay the taxes and insurance, and in 
 the round-up we would equally divide the pro- 
 ceeds. Fair? Well, I reckon. But I said, "Xo, 
 no, Horatio, not me. A farmer's a fool. I can 
 make more in town, I am not a clod-hopper. 
 I am a gentleman." 
 
 Another chap, with less brains and less edu-
 
 44 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 cation than I, jumped at the job. He now 
 owns the adjoining farm, has a fat bank ac- 
 count, rides in an automobile and sends his 
 children to college. The man who pities me for 
 what I am, and blames the economic system 
 under which we live, for his piled up wealth, and 
 just pride in himself, Mike, is is overworked 
 in his imagination. 
 
 Of course, I know there are unfortunates in 
 the world people who go to bed hungry every 
 night, who never have a decent suit of clothes, 
 and are always in arrears for rent. 
 
 There is a reason for this. It is, they, or their 
 parents, make a break for the city, crowd and 
 pile up like fish on a shoal, till they can neither 
 wiggle nor swim. Then there are too many 
 people in one place, and too little work, and 
 sweat-shops and starvation wages result. They 
 stay there because they are too near the dinner 
 pail to ever get away without help; and, so far, 
 the socialistic benefactor class has devised no 
 system of present help. 
 
 That class form a subject of pity, and ought 
 to be helped and helped now. A philanthropic 
 clergyman saw all this among the sweat shops 
 of New York. His pity was the honest kind 
 that counts. Not the kind that spends its force 
 in street corner harangues at so much per. It
 
 THE UNDER PUP 45 
 
 was the genuine Simon pure kind that finds ex- 
 pression in practical deeds of charity on the spot, 
 and for the sore and oppressed of today. Not 
 the kind that snivels and yawps, and whoops it 
 up for the generations to come, minus the hot 
 tamale now. 
 
 He lit out for the cheap lands of the South, 
 found what he wanted in the state of Arkansas, 
 contracted for a large tract of it, went back to 
 New York, raised sufficient money, and took a 
 colony of several hundred sweat shoppers to the 
 land. His pity kept him with them, teaching 
 them how to build, and plow and plant, and 
 mature, and harvest, and preserve and market 
 their crops. And now, Mike, in this year of 
 grace, A. D. 1912, in the state of Arkansas, 
 U. S. A., is one of the most prosperous and con- 
 tented colonies on the face of the globe. 
 
 That is the way to change adverse economic 
 conditions. That is the way to do up the capital- 
 istic sweat shop class. That is the way to change 
 the spelling of m-i-s-e-r-y into U-t-o-p-i-a. That 
 is the way, old dog, as the preachers say, to show 
 your faith by your works. 
 
 If the five hundred thousand Socialists our 
 Denver spieler bragged about as loving their 
 suffering, fellow-man, and as leading a weep- 
 ing-willow life over the cries and groans of the
 
 46 
 
 oppressed, would each pay his twenty-five cents 
 per month dues, into a common fund, and locate 
 colonies of the tenement dwellers of New York, 
 and other congested labor centers, on the cheap 
 vacant lands of the South now going to waste, 
 and employ scientific farmers to teach them, 
 they would do more to settle the industrial ques- 
 tion, and "capitalistic oppression" in ten years, 
 than all their five hundred thousand, or even five 
 million, votes could do, cast semi-annually, for 
 a thousand years. But that would be too prac- 
 tical a thing for Socialism to undertake. 
 
 Now, you sure know, old dog, that I am not 
 spoiling for a sweat provoking job for myself, 
 but I know a wise guy or two I'd like to see 
 teach a hungry-for-comfort colony like that how 
 to farm. When it was about five years old I'd 
 like to sit on the fence and smell the cabbage 
 and beef cooking, hear the hens cackle, the pigs 
 grunt, the cows low, the laughter and cheer of 
 the children at play, see the love light in the 
 mother's eyes, and hear them thank God that 
 goodness and gladness, mingled with sunlight 
 and plenty, are again dwellers among men. 
 
 True helpfulness, Mike, is to help others to 
 help themselves not just snivel and give hand- 
 outs. It cultivates self-respect and keeps the 
 backbone straight. It has full words with
 
 THE UNDER PUP 47 
 
 empty deeds beat a million miles. You can set 
 it down as a sure shot, that he who boasts the 
 loudest does the least. Every man who talked 
 the hardest of honesty, and insisted the loudest 
 on his own personal fairness, was the chap who 
 never let up till he had me in the hole. A man 
 always yowls the biggest about that of which he 
 has the least. 
 
 Life is a great game, and it takes both brains 
 and practice to always know who holds the win- 
 ning hand. I've been both honest and crooked 
 in my time, but after ten years of twisting, I 
 know that an earned meal tastes the best, and 
 even to a tramp, a clean conscience is a good 
 sleep producer. The man who is honest and in- 
 dustrious, does not need to brag about it. His 
 neighbors know it better than they know him. 
 They value him on the basis of what he is not 
 what he says he is. Thunder amounts to little. 
 It takes lightning to do business. A rooster 
 can cackle the loudest, but he lays no eggs. 
 What I am trying to get at, all along, Mike, is 
 that under any form of human society, the pros- 
 perity and safety of the public depend on the 
 industry, the economy, the morality and sobriety 
 of the individual. We were brought into the 
 world without our consent ignorant and help- 
 less. The world agrees that it owes us a living
 
 48 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 and an education. But it has also decreed that 
 we must work for the one and study for the 
 other. As there are myriads of interests that 
 must be developed to meet all demands of civil- 
 ized existence, nature has diversified human 
 talent. One man is adapted to one thing, an- 
 other to something else. All together make a 
 symmetrical whole. All men cannot become 
 equally expert, equally artistic, equally inventive, 
 equally constructive. Because there are more 
 men in the lower story only capable of doing 
 the rougher, harder work, there is less competi- 
 tion there than in the professions requiring 
 genius and skill, and so wage compensation 
 under any industrial system must vary. That, 
 or all invention or skilled accomplishment, will 
 drop to the dead level of inferior effort. That 
 is history that is the inherent law of life. 
 Socialism cannot change its workings without 
 charity, and charity is a thing it says it abhors. 
 Nature has planted the maternal and protective 
 instinct in all animal species. The young are 
 cared for during the infantile, the helpless 
 period. When strength and intelligence develop 
 to the point of self-help, the invariable rule is, 
 except in the case of man, the young are turned 
 loose to fight the battle of life alone. Men love 
 longer and help longer. The result has been the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 49 
 
 development of the monogamic family, the law 
 of inheritance, the rights of property. That 
 all may be educated, clothed, fed and housed, the 
 laws of compensation, of general taxation, of 
 charity, have been established. The law went 
 forth, that of the strong "He who works not shall 
 not eat." 
 
 But, Mike, the helpful instinct in our species 
 has gone further than our laws. Every year 
 my class, the vagrant, hobo element, is becoming 
 more numerous. We refuse to work and still 
 we live. Society feeds us in pity, even though 
 it is generally known that we are too everlast- 
 ingly trifling to work. The only men you ever 
 hear say that we are driven by economic condi- 
 tions into the life we lead are Socialists, and they 
 are wilful prevaricators when they say it, or, are 
 too indolent or ignorant to critically and calmly 
 investigate the subject and learn the truth; too 
 economically dishonest to see and admit it. Now, 
 admit the correctness of the socialistic theory 
 that every man must have equal ownership in 
 everything regardless, and that the only laws of 
 administration should be over things instead of 
 over men, and you throw a sop directly to the 
 vagrant and criminal classes, exclusive of any 
 element of restraint or reform rather to the ex- 
 tent of encouragement in continued indolence 
 and outrage,
 
 50 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 I know that the Socialist insists that under 
 Socialism every man will take his proper place 
 and do his equal share. I also know, old dog, 
 that he is whistling in the dark is wind jamming 
 through his scalp. When they say that being 
 well housed, well clothed, and generously stuffed 
 with grub each man, under Socialism, will be 
 moral, unselfish, generous and industrious, they 
 contradict their own theory. Everybody knows, 
 who has ever heard a Socialist war whoop, that 
 their most attractive yawp among themselves is 
 that the meanest men God ever made have been 
 the best housed, the best clothed, the best fed 
 the capitalists of all nations and all ages. 
 When they insist that under a "co-operative 
 commonwealth" nobody will steal, don't you be- 
 lieve it. There will be short years as there al- 
 ways have been. Socialists cannot control the 
 weather, so there are bound to be short crops 
 and limited supplies. In that event the strong 
 will take more than their equal allowance. Why 
 not? There is to be no law over men. Who is 
 to hinder? That they will not is theory. That 
 they will is unvarying, undisputed, historic fact. 
 History, and inherent human nature, have 
 knocked out the whole side of the house erected 
 by hair trigger reformeis, and 
 theorists, in all ages.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 51 
 
 I have seen "capitalistic society supporters" 
 feed the hungry, cloth the naked, furnish fuel 
 for the freezing, while street corner reformers 
 at so much per, who never give a dollar to that 
 cause, stood and filled the air with sulphuric 
 abuse of their type while they were doing it. 
 
 Oh, but Mike! These propagandists "Do not 
 want charity." They "want justice." And I 
 say to you and I'm a good judge that if that 
 class had a more adequate sense of justice, they'd 
 work more, save more, and gab less. 
 
 I tell you, Mike, I get better hand-outs at the 
 back door of the capitalistic citizen than I do 
 at any door of the Socialist and from rather 
 intimate acquaintance with, and careful study of 
 the moral makeup of both types, I'd rather risk 
 the back door of capitalistic government than the 
 whole inside of the house of Socialism. 
 
 Socialism, Mike, may create a "no law over 
 men," no "interference with the personal rights 
 of the individual," heaven, but I'll gamble that 
 its flowery beds of ease "will be briars and this- 
 tles, and its Utopia a raging, roaring effervesce 
 of red-eyed, carving-knife anarchy. All Social- 
 ists are not anarchists, but Socialism breeds an- 
 archy, and anarchists vote the Socialist ticket and 
 glory in its victories. All you need do to know 
 how moderate, how deferential, how prudent, and
 
 52 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 how fair a socialist will be when "Socialism is es- 
 tablished" is to try to get a word in on him edge- 
 wise now. The average Socialist is not a states- 
 man, Mike; he is a fanatic. When he becomes 
 "class conscious," he lives in the world of imagin- 
 ation and avarice. He has faith in the results of 
 ultimate socialistic success on exactly the same 
 line certain utility corporations, in some of our 
 western cities, have in the success of municipal 
 tickets they spend money to nominate he is to 
 be the beneficiary of unlimited means he will in 
 no way earn. His poverty, he confidently expects 
 will be replaced by a co-equal ownership in all 
 the wealth of the earth, none of which he ever 
 earned. Socialism will win it for him; not by 
 purchase, nor by labor, but by wholesale confisca- 
 tion, unblushing theft. Oh, yes, Mike, I know 
 the Socialist talks about "the workers" having 
 earned all the wealth in existence, and been 
 robbed of it (exploited) , but his economic theory 
 that capital wealth has no earning power is where 
 his mental machinery is oiled with imagination 
 and runs off with itself. The Pennsylvania 
 railroad is to be confiscated of course, when 
 Socialism comes into its own. It is a "blood suck- 
 ing corporation" to be sure. But its stock is 
 owned by over 60,000 people people mostly of 
 moderate means, who own the stock as a safe in-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 53 
 
 vestment, affording a modest income for old age. 
 Nearly all the great corporations are owned 
 largely by the same modest investing class. 
 Most men vote the Socialist ticket in municipal 
 elections from sheer disgust over the rotten, petty 
 grafting of organized cliques of greed, who have 
 been in power. Little harm will come of that, 
 as socialistic incompetence soon runs its course. 
 In Ohio and other places socialist mayors-elect 
 have to repudiate their party before they can 
 decently run the city. Everybody who reads the 
 papers knows this. 
 
 It is the "international world-wide movement" 
 that has poison in it the one chaps who love 
 their country, their homes, their religion and civic 
 decency want to watch. 
 
 Well, come on old man, I'm rested. Let's 
 be jogging along.
 
 TALK THREE 
 
 SAY, Mike, what do you savy about a frame-up 
 like this for an outfit of our size? Eh! Two 
 old bums! Look around, son. Fine cabin, two 
 rooms, fireplace in one, cook stove in the other, 
 plenty of dry wood, kitchen utensils and grub 
 supplies galore; carpets on the floor, pictures on 
 the wall, books and magazines, a soft mat for 
 you, clean bed for me, and nothing to do but 
 patrol the premises, eat, sleep, smoke and be 
 happy. Jerusalem, Mike, but it's a snap for two 
 old vags like us. It sure is. 
 
 How did we get here? How did all this glory 
 happen? Did we steal it, or did we go to sleep 
 and just wake up in Heaven? No, comrade, we 
 are still on earth, but we have struck it, and 
 struck it mighty rich. When Walter Case went 
 to the Klondike, the mountains and smell of the 
 pines got into his system. So this summer he 
 brought his family out here among the Rockies, 
 and before leaving bought this entire lake, all 
 these buildings, and this big mountain ranch for 
 a summer home. He was the chap we met in 
 Boulder the day you saved the little girl from 
 being run over by that bunch of steers. He and 
 I had a long talk, There were several of the 
 
 54
 
 THE UNDER PUP 55 
 
 genuine Walt. Case sermons, a few unnecessary 
 promises exacted, a bath, a shave, a hair cut, a 
 trunk full of glad rags, and here we are for the 
 winter ; and if the court knows herself, and there 
 is backbone enough in the firm, sober and sober 
 for keeps. We may fall, but we'll fall trying 
 to climb. 
 
 Walter Case is a white man, Mike, a gentle- 
 man, a scholar and always in favor of reciprocity 
 and a square deal a friend once, a friend for- 
 ever. We have struck pay dirt in great shape 
 this trip, and if I can behave myself for once, 
 as well as you do all the time, we have struck it 
 at the big end of a long pay chute. 
 
 I have known Walter Case since he was a 
 kid. We went to school together, were an even 
 match in a wrestle, dived in the old swimming 
 hole together, and later, went to see the same 
 girl. I carried his suitcase to the depot when 
 he started for the Klondike, worked for him in 
 his big factory after he returned, and the only 
 reason I am not there yet is because I loved 
 liquor and idleness more than I loved family 
 and respectability. Walter's eyes were filled 
 with tears, and his voice with kindness, when he 
 finally fired me from the job. He referred to 
 it in Boulder, told me that for the sake of the 
 old days he had never given me up. But the
 
 56 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 wander lust the hobo microbe hit me after los- 
 ing my job, and I reckon would have stuck in 
 my system forever, had it not been for the 
 Socialists in Denver. That gang cured me of 
 the disease. When I heard every yawper among 
 them, from the Silver Tongue, and the Little 
 Giant, down to the street corner Napoleon of 
 economics, fill his voice with woe over the growing 
 army of tramps, and affirm that we were the vic- 
 tims of vicious industrial conditions; that capital- 
 ism and starvation wages were at the bottom of 
 our vagabond lives, I knew they were on the 
 wrong scent. I was a tramp, I knew tramps and 
 tramp life ; and I knew from my own experience, 
 and from what all the rest said and on this sub- 
 ject tramps uniformly tell each other the truth 
 that ninety-five per cent are hoboes because of 
 dissipation, double-geared laziness, or the pure 
 love of irresponsible roving. The other per cent 
 is composed of inherent scalawags and moral per- 
 verts. Many of them commit minor crimes reg- 
 ularly every winter for no other reason than to 
 be thrown into jail where they are fed and 
 housed without work. 
 
 I was only a tramp, Mike, and not much on 
 reasoning, but I could see that if short on one 
 line of information, and twisted on one point, 
 Socialists were just as like as not, warped on
 
 THE UNDER PUP 57 
 
 everything else. Then I got to arguing about 
 it with their spellbinders and reading the books 
 they loaned me. I soon saw clearly that, be- 
 sides talking through their hats on the tramp 
 question, there was a lot of vital Socialist inside 
 doctrine they always held back in their public 
 addresses. Their speakers did not discuss the 
 moral and ethical side of Socialism publicly. 
 Most of them didn't seem to know there was one. 
 They only expounded the industrial, or economic 
 side. Now, Mike, you're a wise dog, and I tell 
 you this, that if any Socialist on earth will go 
 before a decent, representative American au- 
 dience and explain the full philosophy, purpose 
 and program of international, so-called, scientific 
 socialism, as taught and emphasized by every 
 one of their standard authorities, from Marx, 
 Engles, Bax and Bebel, to the fragmentary ut- 
 terances of Hilquitt, Herron, Mills and Burger, 
 and is taken seriously, he will be a lucky doc- 
 trinaire if he is not run out of town, or handed 
 a dose of stale eggs. 
 
 You will agree to this later on. There is 
 a lot more in Socialism than appears from the 
 street corner yelping of the pack from the 
 surface. When fully understood, Socialism is 
 not a mere political organization in the sense 
 in which the Republican and Democratic parties
 
 58 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 are. The Democratic and Republican organiza- 
 tions are loyal to our existing governmental idea 
 are pledged to maintain the integrity of the 
 constitution. No difference which one of these 
 parties is in power, no one has any fear that the 
 security of the government, or the perpetuity of 
 the constitution is threatened. But Socialism is 
 a bird of another feather. In the United States 
 it is a subsidiary branch, or an auxiliary, of a 
 great international "world-wide" organization. 
 "The Social Democrat" of Haverhill, Mass., in 
 its issue of July 20, 1901, explains: 
 
 "There is no such thing as European or Amer- 
 ican Socialism. There is only one kind of 
 Socialism the world over International Social- 
 ism, which means everywhere the same, among 
 the Socialists of Haverhill as well as among the 
 Socialists of a city of a similar size in Germany, 
 France, Belgium or England." 
 
 Again, Mike, the Socialist "state" platform in 
 every country, I am told, "reaffirms its adherence 
 to the principles of International Socialism," 
 just as a Republican state convention does to 
 the principles of the national organization. It is 
 a part of the whole, but merely subsidiary. The 
 seat of the "International Socialist Council" is 
 Brussels, Belgium. This council is composed of 
 two delegates from each country where Socialism
 
 THE UNDER PUP 59 
 
 has an organization. George D. Herron (muchly 
 married George, the Iowa renegade preacher 
 and Grinnell professor of applied Christianity) 
 is the American international secretary. These 
 secretaries are the only recognized authority in 
 international correspondence. When the inter- 
 national council takes snuff, the "International 
 Secretaries" inform the socialist organizations of 
 their several countries, and then all sneeze. They 
 all let out the same war whoop, coined at Brus- 
 sels. Nobody cares what American Socialists 
 put in their local national platform to catch 
 squibs and suckers and gain votes. So long as 
 the national organization reaffirms its allegiance 
 to the principles of "International Socialism," 
 what you find in the national platform of the 
 Socialist "party" is neither here nor there. They 
 cover only local issues against "capitalism" to 
 stir up class hatred and win votes for Socialism 
 on temporary claims, which may have no relation 
 to the fundamental doctrines of the international 
 organization. 
 
 The "International" Socialist idea is for 
 each national organization to so trim its 
 platform and its sails on local issues as to gain 
 enough votes to ultimately control the govern- 
 ment. When that is accomplished, then all 
 Socialists are taught "capitalism" will be de-
 
 60 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 stroyed, ripped up root and branch and trampled 
 into the dust of oblivion. 
 
 By reading Socialist standard authors, you 
 learn that "capitalism" is the socialistic term 
 used to denote the American, the English, the 
 German governmental idea the entire existing 
 economic, social, ethical and civic order the world 
 over. 
 
 You will find further, that all "class conscious" 
 Socialists think the exact opposite of everybody 
 else. Their basic doctrines of "economic deter- 
 minism," when explained, is that all repressive 
 laws, all governmental forms, all religious sys- 
 tems, and especially that of Christianity, to- 
 gether with all social and class distinctions, are 
 the result of the struggle for food and the control 
 of the food supply. Just a plain question of 
 grub, no more, and no higher. 
 
 The Socialist idea, when clothed in every 
 day English, is this: Man is an animal; 
 his entire struggle from the beginning has 
 been one for existence. Little by little 
 a few shrewd, keen, selfish, long headed scoun- 
 drels began to corner the food supply. They 
 somehow got the upper hand of the rest of the 
 people (the roosters got the worm), and with 
 a view to keeping it, organized a government. 
 The government was framed solely in the in-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 61 
 
 terest of themselves the worm holders. Every 
 law they made was framed with the sole view 
 of keeping the food supply in their own hands, 
 and out of the hands of the other fellow. If 
 some chap from a condition of poverty developed 
 shrewdness, and double geared cussedness, enough 
 to hornswagle others out of wealth and kept it 
 up till he also became rich, he was forthwith 
 taken into the sacred capitalistic class. Riches 
 made them all mean and selfish, and so they sat 
 up nights devising plans by which they could 
 make themselves richer and the poor poorer. 
 Every law they made was with a view to protect- 
 ing property jails, penetentiaries, everything 
 were framed to imprison, coerce and enslave the 
 poor to keep the power and wealth among 
 themselves, they invented moncgamic marriage 
 that is, the life long union of one man and one 
 woman. Marriage, they insist, was made a sacra- 
 ment, and a legal form had to be signed. Woman 
 was made a chattel the property of her hus- 
 band. She was made to live in a home, where 
 she was compelled to be true to "him and rear 
 Ms children, while he was lord and could do as 
 he pleased. To keep riches among their descend- 
 ents, the law of inheritance was evolved. So 
 the rich man's family kept his riches and wielded 
 his proportion of public power, after he had
 
 62 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 shoved off this "mortal coil." When the poor 
 became dissatisfied with their lot and became 
 dangerous, the capitalistic high binders invented 
 religion the religion in which the reward of 
 heaven, with its eternal imaginary peace, its 
 streets of gold, its everlasting joys and song and 
 gladness, and angel's food and plenty, was 
 promised for a life of patient submission and 
 self-denial, while cries and groans, fire and 
 brimstone and smoke, were reserved for the dis- 
 obedient, world without end. According to in- 
 ternational socialist writers, capitalism invented, 
 and has perpetuated this religion with malice 
 aforethought, which, working alternately on the 
 hopes and fears of the poor, has greatly aided 
 in making them contented with their unfortunate 
 lot. So you see, Mike, the basic constitutional 
 doctrine of Socialism is "Economic Determin- 
 ism," which insists that religion, the family and 
 the organized state are all the result of the 
 struggle for existence the forage for food, the 
 rooster race for worms. They are all the diabolic 
 discoveries and inventions of "capitalism" in its 
 onward march of villainous triumph in subjugat- 
 ing and enslaving the poor the weak. 
 
 Now, Mike, this is one of the most lurid flights 
 the human imagination ever took. It is the most 
 cunning and subtle method of inciting the minds
 
 THE UNDER PUP 63 
 
 of the ignorant, the derelict and vicious, against 
 the industrious, the frugal and thrifty, in the 
 entire range of animal ingenuity. It is the most 
 ingenious attack animals ever made on the in- 
 stitutions of men. 
 
 Now, lest you get it into your noggin that 
 I am pipe dreaming, I will read a few clippings 
 I have from the biggest kind of big international 
 authorities ; the fellows whose roar makes a noise. 
 George D. Herron, in the Metropolitan Maga- 
 zine, May 16, 1903: 
 
 "Socialism begins with this: That the history 
 of the world has been economic. The world's 
 sentiments and religions, its laws and morals, its 
 art and literatures, are all rooted in the struggle 
 between classes for the control of the food sup- 
 pi^ * * * Laws, creeds, governments, 
 morals and arts, are chiefly the expression of 
 those who have lived off of other people, and who 
 have made laws and religions, and arts and 
 morals, for the purpose of compelling these 
 others to support them while they should fight 
 or preach, or make laws or write books." 
 
 George D. is some pumpkin as a socialist big 
 wig, Mike. He is the American secretary of 
 the international organization. What he says 
 goes. When he speaks, tremble. 
 
 Then again, The Appeal To Reason, of 
 June 6, 1903, says:
 
 64 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 "The economic conditions of any country, at 
 any period, form the basis of all human effort. 
 All social, political, legal, moral and religious 
 institutions are built upon the economic basis." 
 
 Frederick Engles says, speaking on the same 
 point: 
 
 "The judicial, philosophical and religious 
 ideas are the more or less remote offshoots of 
 the economic relations existing in given society." 
 
 Bax, in Ethics of Socialism, puts it this way: 
 
 "The result of economical revolution implies 
 a correlative change in the basis of ethics and 
 religion." 
 
 Carl Marx, in Capital, page 32: 
 
 "Christianity, with its cultus of abstract man, 
 more especially in its bourgeois (capitalistic) de- 
 velopment, Protestantism, Deism, etc., is the 
 most fitting form of religion in which the present 
 mode of exchange of commodities takes place." 
 
 I will read another inspired squib taken from 
 the Appeal To Reason, of May 16, 1903, and 
 let it go at that, except to say that every stand- 
 ard socialist authority the world over who says 
 anything at all on the subject talks the same 
 way: 
 
 "A truth is a truth for all time. Therefore, 
 when Marx analyzed society and found that 
 ethics, morals and religions are all products of
 
 THE UNDER PUP 65 
 
 economic and material conditions, he was able to 
 predict with a certainty the future conduct of 
 society, even as does the astronomer predict the 
 coming eclipse." 
 
 There you have it, Mike, from the Simon pure 
 "class conscious" fountain head, and on down 
 the stream to our country and our time both from 
 voice of the living and pen of the dead. This is 
 a new revelation. With our governments, our 
 laws, our social customs, our arts, our religion, 
 God Almighty hadn't a single thing to do. The 
 author of the whole, complicated, far-reaching 
 thing, is just the plain every day fiendish cussed- 
 ness of the idle rich in their efforts to side-track 
 the poor in the heart-breaking struggle to gobble 
 the world's supply of grub, and everlastingly 
 hang on to it. 
 
 Now, you can see exactly how it is, comrade. 
 In the struggle for existence the embrio capital- 
 ists organized a government, with laws, penalties 
 and prisons, as effective means by which to pro- 
 tect the high grading grabbers of the grub pile, 
 impoverish and enslave the masses. As a neces- 
 sary adjunct of the government monogamic 
 marriage, religion, the whole ethical and moral 
 and social system was spun, woven, fashioned 
 and finished and the job made complete simply 
 and solely to perpetuate the grub stealing pro-
 
 66 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 cess. Shades of skinned wisdom! Profound 
 heighths of scientific rape seed! No wonder the 
 average socialist sucker will tell you that you 
 never saw anything against marriage, against the 
 government, against religion, in the Socialist 
 platform. You sure have not, and you sure 
 never will. The common voting sucker would 
 understand and back out if you did. What the 
 platform demands, what the agitators are taught 
 to demand is the co-operative ownership of all the 
 "means of production and distribution." They 
 are taught to believe that "when Socialism gains 
 control" private ownership will cease, the indi- 
 vidual competitive struggle for existence will 
 merge into uniform co-operative ownership of 
 all productive and distributive functions; that 
 nobody will go hungry, or homeless, or naked, 
 because everybody will have equal ownership in 
 everything. That if the world's supply of clothes 
 should get down to one suit, all would have equal 
 ownership in it. By that time the cup of human 
 generosity would be so large and the milk of 
 human kindness so voluminous that each would 
 have a chance to wear it in turn. By that time 
 the competitive spirit, and selfishness, will be so 
 everlastingly dead through socialistic regenera- 
 tion, that if there should be but one meal left, 
 everybody would just literally starve to death,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 67 
 
 rather than eat it away from anybody else. They 
 are taught to tell how men are oppressed, how 
 they are enslaved, how they hunger and suffer, 
 and freeze and starve under capitalism, and how, 
 under co-operative socialistic ownership, every- 
 body will be good, everybody will be unselfish, 
 everybody will be noble; how everybody, even 
 hoboes and derelicts, will fill up with heroic 
 ginger, and have to be just literally pried loose 
 from hard physical work; how the spirit of 
 brotherhood, and human fellowship and equality, 
 will swell into a rotundancy that will simply 
 sweep caste, and class, and every grain of pride 
 and aristocratic snobbery, into the sea of utter 
 oblivion; how, in the splendid changes that 
 will have been worked the last vestige of sour 
 mash will have been squeezed out of the human 
 soul from outside pressure, and life will be just 
 one long yum-yum of unalloyed ecstatic bliss. 
 
 My, my, Mike, but that theory handed out 
 by a glib-tongued picture painter, backed by a 
 soaring imagination, would electrify an Egyp- 
 tian mummy and create a socialistic hallelujah 
 stampede in every rock bound cell of Sing Sing. 
 Get a half-baked, uneducated, sentimental, keep- 
 his-eye-on-the-boss chap, imbued with that sort 
 of economic soft soap, Mike, and you cannot 
 pound common horse sense into him with a forty-
 
 68 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ton pile driver. You can see how the common 
 wage earner is fooled into accepting Socialism 
 without in any way comprehending its revolu- 
 tionary and criminal nature. If our present 
 form of government is the outgrowth of our sys- 
 tem of economics, if our family system mono- 
 gamic marriage was cunningly devised by 
 capitalism to strengthen and protect our com- 
 petitive system of production and distribution; 
 if the Christian religion was originated solely to 
 perpetuate competition, individual ownership 
 and socialist authors of the international "class 
 conscious" variety uniformly hold that, scienti- 
 fically, there can be no shadow of dispute about 
 it then what? Why, it follows inevitably, that 
 if you change our present economic system, 
 everything that supports it, or is auxiliary to it, 
 will also change. Replace the competitive sys- 
 tem of production and distribution with that of 
 co-operative production and distribution, and 
 every single thing connected with the old system 
 as an aid, or integral supporting part, must pass 
 away with it government over men, religion, 
 the family. That is as clear as unclouded sky. 
 That is the reason why Bax, Bebel, Engles, 
 Marx, Herron and the whole brood of Socialist 
 doctrinaires insist that when the Socialist 
 "co-operative commonwealth" is established the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 69 
 
 present form of government will "die out." 
 Monogamic marriage will "die out;" religion will 
 "die out." 
 
 It is not necessary to fight religion openly. 
 It is not necessary to directly attack the sanctity 
 of marriage. It is not necessary to fill the air 
 with treasonable utterances against the govern- 
 ment, though much of that is done. All that is 
 necessary is to talk economics, co-operative 
 ownership versus individual ownership. Lam it 
 to the Republicans and Democrats. Tell what 
 wonderful things Socialism has up its sleeve for 
 the good of mankind; put out molasses to catch 
 flies, handle sweet bait for suckers, then if you 
 ever get in control of the necessary offices, 
 frame up your co-operative commonwealth, con- 
 fiscate all the means of production and distribu- 
 tion, and down goes the stars and stripes; every 
 function of the existing government will go 
 gleaming, as all were framed to protect and per- 
 petuate capitalism. The family and the church 
 will scat with the government, and as there will 
 be no laws "over men" every human being can 
 do as he pleases. Am I right, Mike? What 
 say socialist authorities? "Under Socialism the 
 government will have no other function but the 
 administration of the public industries. Social- 
 ism is opposed to all interference with the per-
 
 70 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 sonal liberties of the people." Appeal To 
 Reason, July 11, 1903. 
 
 "The first act, wherein the state appears as the 
 real representative of the whole body social 
 the seizure of the means of production in the 
 name of society, is also its last independent act 
 as a state. The interference of the state in social 
 relations becomes superfluous in one domain 
 after another, and falls of itself into desuetude. 
 The place of a government over persons is taken 
 by the administration of things and the conduct 
 of the processes of production. The state is not 
 abolished it dies out" Frederick Engles, in 
 Socialism, Utopian and Scientific. 
 
 "For Socialists the existence of the state in 
 a society is bound up with the existence of 
 classes in that society. Hence, this conclusion: 
 Before classes came into being there was no state ; 
 when classes shall cease to exist, there will be no 
 state." The State and Socialism, by Gabriel 
 Deville. 
 
 Socialism means to destroy classism, Mike. 
 The state maintains classism. Therefore, the 
 state must be destroyed. The church is the 
 bulwark of the state; the family is the unit of 
 the state; therefore the church and the family 
 will be destroyed by Socialism will die with the 
 state. So comrade, Socialism in the United
 
 THE UNDER PUP 71 
 
 States is not a political party under the consti- 
 tution, as are the Republican and Democratic 
 parties. It is a foreign imported, disloyal, revolu- 
 tionary, treasonable force, ready to take a per- 
 jured oath of allegiance that it may finally gain 
 control of the State with the sole aim of destroy- 
 ing it. It means to undermine the constitution 
 and in its stead establish a "co-operative com- 
 monwealth" in which there will no government 
 over men, just an administration of things. 
 
 The first and last thing it will do with the 
 government Socialist authorities themselves be- 
 ing its accusers if it ever gets strong enough 
 to control, will be to use it to confiscate all the 
 means of production and distribution land 
 houses, factories, transportation all then twist 
 its neck, and celebrate while it dies. 
 
 Any man, Mike, who loves the flag that pro- 
 tects him, and who honors the state which makes 
 his home a safe place in which to live, who loves 
 his wife and his bairns, who believes God reigns 
 and religion inspires and comforts, who can 
 espouse the Socialist cause and vote its ticket, 
 carries his patriotism in his elbows and his brains 
 in his heels. If the government arrests men for 
 national crime, Socialists are uniformly for the 
 defendant in their support and against the gov- 
 ernment. This was true in the Moyer and Hay-
 
 72 
 
 wood case in Colorado and Idaho. It was true 
 in the McNamara case. Notwithstanding the 
 McNamaras confessed, the apologies of the 
 socialistic press for its inflammatory utterances 
 and false accusations against the authorities 
 have not been heard. Dispatches from Los 
 Angeles to the Chicago Tribune, published the 
 morning after the McNamara confession, stated 
 that all over Los Angeles private homes were 
 displaying the American flag as an expression 
 of patriotism, and in defiance of the Socialists 
 who had referred to it in their speeches as a 
 "ten-cent rag." The Socialist town committee 
 of Clinton, Mass., as reported in the Worker 
 (N. Y.), August 16, 1903, asked the resigna- 
 tion of one of its members, because he had joined 
 the State Militia. Their reason given for the 
 action was that a man could not be a member of 
 the Massachusetts State Militia and loyal to the 
 world-wide Socialist movement at the same time. 
 No, comrade, when you examine the Socialist 
 banner, you will find it minus the stars and 
 stripes. I am a hobo, Mike, but I'll be hanged 
 if I'm a Socialist, or a Socialist sympathizer. 
 No, comrade, I've no sympathy with treason and 
 sedition, when it comes to the government. Son, 
 J'm not yaller.
 
 TALK FOUR 
 
 IF THERE is any one thing that makes me good 
 and tired; anything that disgusts me with my 
 kind, hobo as I am; anything that makes my 
 blood run hot makes me want to walk on four 
 legs and be in the running with a decent high- 
 class dog like you, Mike, it is a gang of thieving 
 shirking yaps like that working here this week. 
 
 Every one of them insists on, and receives the 
 wages of an expert workman, and the only real 
 interest, anybody can see, that he takes in the 
 game, is nailing the job and collecting his pay. 
 He may begin the day's work five to ten minutes 
 late, and if there is any possible way to figure 
 it out, he generally does; but no one ever saw 
 him try to make up the time at the other end 
 of the line. If his hammer was raised in mid-air 
 to drive a nail and the dinner whistle blew, he'd 
 leave it sticking in the wind, if he could, and 
 climb down off of the job. 
 
 The labor union is a good, and a necessary 
 thing, but it should have an added aim to that 
 of merely combining working men in the effort 
 to increase, and maintain, a satisfactorily increas- 
 ing scale of wages. It should also raise the 
 standard of labor efficiency. A union card ought 
 
 73
 
 74 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 to carry with it a guarantee to any employer of 
 labor that the man who holds it is a high-class, 
 efficient, industrious, painstaking workman, whose 
 employment means, always a square deal. Lazy, 
 tricky, shirking, careless workmen should not be 
 accepted as members in the union, nor should 
 those of dissipated habits. You can see, Mike, 
 how a lot of rules like these, rigidly enforced, 
 would raise the union standard, and exalt the 
 union. It would only be a question of time 
 when men who want the most satisfactory and 
 reliable, as well as efficient service, would go to 
 the union to get it. The unions would then 
 begin to have a prestige and influence of which 
 to be honestly proud. If I had work to do and 
 knew that the employment of union men was 
 a guarantee that they would perform the service 
 for me, with all the care and industry they would, 
 were they personally and financially interested 
 themselves, there is no question about my apply- 
 ing to the union for the number of men desired ; 
 nor for that type of work would there be serious 
 quibble as to the scale of wages. Seventy-five 
 per cent of employers are willing to pay a satis- 
 factory wage scale for satisfactory work done. 
 High-class pay for low-class work is the nip of 
 the conflict. But when the union demands the 
 highest scale of wages for inefficient men; when
 
 THE UNDER PUP 75 
 
 it will not allow employers to weed out the in- 
 different and shirking element; when its laws 
 will not allow intelligence and skill, quality and 
 volume of output to count in a workman's favor ; 
 and when it shuts slap down on piece work, the 
 standard of justice is warped, the incentive to 
 advancement is destroyed, and the union stands 
 in the way of progress. I was an efficient and 
 skillful workman long enough to see that fact 
 emphasized so forcibly that it could not be de- 
 nied. I know the scheme was a charitable in- 
 vention in the interest of the weak brother, but 
 it took from him all incentive to study, all am- 
 bition to improve, and worked an inexcusable 
 injustice to the inherently better men. And, 
 Mike, on that point has hinged a very large per 
 cent of the dissatisfaction of employers, and 
 much of their trouble with union labor. 
 
 Bill Jones and Tom King each farms a piece 
 of land of equal fertility and size. Tom works 
 the hardest, cultivates the more systematically, 
 selects his seed with greater care, and cares for 
 his crops the more scientifically. Nature gives 
 him the richer reward. What right has Bill to 
 kick anybody but himself? If he has ambition 
 and horse sense, he will go to studying, and plan- 
 ning, and working, to make his next year's crop 
 equal, or surpass, that of his neighbor, Tom.
 
 76 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Nature, in all her departments, yields the richer 
 returns to the man who operates with the great- 
 est industry and the most skill. It is only even 
 justice that the same law should govern in the 
 world of industry. Put a premium on brains and 
 application, not on ignorance and indolence; on 
 ambition and perseverance, not on indifference 
 and carelessness. 
 
 I have never seen a time when I could not 
 get work if I wanted it, nor keep a job if I 
 would work. The trouble with most of my kind 
 the idle, down and out brood is, we exercise 
 more ingenuity to evade work than we do to 
 find it. I was never fired from a job for effi- 
 ciency and industry. It was always for shirking 
 and carelessness. No, Mike, I have noticed for 
 years that the evergreen gang on the street 
 corners, and loafing around the towns, yowling 
 about there being no work, scatter like mice when 
 a good lusty job comes bowling around the cor- 
 ner. I have seen a gang of Greeks and Italians 
 constructing a sewer system, building a bridge, 
 laying water mains or paving streets, and a 
 crowd of American loafers twenty to forty 
 strong standing around cursing the country, 
 villifying "capitalism," and swearing there was 
 nothing ahead for "decent" men but wretched- 
 ness and want. The moment somebody offered
 
 THE UNDER PUP 77 
 
 them work they had business somewhere else. 
 In the winter time, when most outdoor opera- 
 tions are necessarily discontinued, their wailings 
 are the loudest, but even then most of them can 
 find something to do if they will get out and 
 hunt for it. 
 
 Socialists insist that every man is entitled to 
 what he creates and no more. That he who takes 
 what others create is a thief. That what Social- 
 ism wants is, not charity, but justice. Now, 
 what I'd like to know is, what would Socialism 
 do with the loafing crowd that won't create 
 that won't work. They beg, and sponge, and 
 borrow, and steal, their living off of others under 
 capitalism. They would do the same under any 
 system unless actually forced to work. Would 
 Socialism take from the workers, who do create, 
 to supply the shirkers and vagrants who do not? 
 If it would, then conditions would not be greatly 
 improved, as the creating class would have to 
 divide up with the non-creating. If they did 
 it willingly, they would be dispensing charity 
 a thing which Socialists say is unsocialistic. If 
 they did it through coercion, then Socialism 
 would contradict itself again. It would exercise 
 "government over men" interfere with the 
 rights and will of the individual. If it would 
 not support them through methods of charity,
 
 78 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 or the coercion of the workers to divide, then it 
 would turn them out to starve. That, again, 
 would be carrying one of the inhuman principles 
 of capitalism over into Socialism. If it would 
 compel them to adopt the practice of creative 
 industry then once more Socialism would adopt 
 the capitalistic principle of a government over 
 men, and be as villainous as capitalism. On 
 either horn of the dilemma it would kick the 
 critter in the eye and be tossed off into the mud. 
 But since "International Socialism" bases the 
 "co-operative commonwealth" idea on the con- 
 stitutional principle that there is to be "no gov- 
 ernment over men only an administration of 
 things," maybe things are to have the same in- 
 telligence and volition under Socialism that men 
 have under capitalism. About everything else 
 is to be revolutionized and reversed. In that 
 event all that will be necessary will be for the 
 administrators of "things" to order all sorts of 
 good grub to walk out of the common store and 
 feed itself to hoboes and derelicts, and it will bow 
 and obey. Sounds ridiculous, don't it, comrade? 
 But everything in Socialism, when reduced to 
 its last analysis, is ridiculous and sometimes a 
 good deal worse. 
 
 But we are told that under Socialism human 
 nature will be so radically regenerated that even
 
 THE UNDER PUP 79 
 
 the former, idle sons of pampered wealth, with 
 tramps and all sorts, will get down on their knees 
 and fairly cry for work. To a man with an 
 "unsocialized mind," Mike, this fish is full of 
 bones. Being a figment of pure socialistic imag- 
 ination, however, unregenerate plutocrats like 
 your pard are too enslaved to the vagaries and 
 precedents of history to do it justice. Even 
 after long, intimate and neighborly association 
 with some of the most thoroughly ingrained 
 "class conscious" Socialists, this angelic element 
 is, as yet, as he sees it, a minute and embriotic 
 quantity among the rank and file. Perhaps this 
 deficiency up to date should be attributed to en- 
 vironment, a sort of arrested development, so to 
 speak, superinduced by the unregenerate gross- 
 ness of capitalistic methods of preparing and 
 gobbling their grub. Anyhow, the espousal of 
 socialistic principles so far, seems to have the 
 exact opposite effect. It seems to inoculate the 
 subject with an unconquerable desire for much 
 less work and a heap more pay. It is not so 
 much of a cry for greater skill and efficiency 
 that he puts up as it is one of exaggerated ego. 
 Now, take this gang of industrial warps, whose 
 loitering work here this week started this spell 
 of wind jamming. They would be shirkers, 
 growlers and incompetents, under any industrial
 
 80 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 system. They would insist on more than they 
 earn under Socialism as they do now. They 
 would spend their time checks on self-indulgence 
 instead of for substantial comforts for the future 
 then as they do now. They would be small and 
 selfish and mean under any system, because their 
 natures are small and selfish and mean. The 
 more you would do for them, the more they 
 would expect. They would be small frogs in 
 any pond. The more license and less restraint, 
 the more pay and the less work, Socialism offers, 
 the better it will suit them and the tighter they 
 will stick to it. The freer and cheaper grog 
 will be, the better they will like the system. 
 Nothing short of complete spiritual regeneration 
 could even phaze them; and that could not be 
 affected with a pile driver from the outside. A 
 classical education would only equip them with 
 facilities for the more refined exercise of gross 
 selfish qualities. 
 
 Down in Egypt, thousands of years ago, when 
 he was mostly snout, tusks and warts, rooted in 
 the ground, wallowed in the mire, ate all manner 
 of filth, murdered and ate his own kind, he was 
 known as a swine. Now when his remote prog- 
 eny has developed into a Poland China, fat 
 and round and handsome and sleek, with less 
 snout, fewer warts, shorter tusks, and a much
 
 THE UNDER PUP 81 
 
 more "refined air," he still roots in the ground, 
 wallows in the mire, kills and devours his own 
 kind, revels in filth, and is, in every essential 
 phase of his nature, a swine. 
 
 No siree, Mike, with all your high breeding 
 and scientific feeding, you cannot do much for 
 the inherent nature of a hog. You can change 
 his appearance by feeding and breeding but you 
 cannot change his appetite, his basic instinct, nor 
 his smell. 
 
 Men boast of their culture, their progress, 
 their Christian refinement, through generations 
 of education and training. It is a fine veneer 
 over the inherent savage, and gives polish and 
 finish to normal social life, but when a black 
 man commits an outrage on a white woman, the 
 savage in men jumps through thousands of years 
 of culture, and his screams and pain, as they burn 
 him at the stake, only increase their demoniacal 
 joy. That large spice of the savage, inherited 
 from primitive man, is still there ; and in moments 
 of hunger, avarice, malice, anger, and social up- 
 heaval, it springs to the surface and wipes away 
 the civilized veneer as flames do the beauty of 
 the forest. Rosseau's socialistic writings set 
 aflame the fires of revolution in the mercurial 
 heart of France. Oppression and hunger in- 
 spired men to overthrow existing conditions by
 
 82 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 revolution, and action at once began. The sav- 
 age instincts of the rabble ran to the surface, 
 and with no moral standard, save that of lust, 
 ambition, hate and appetite, the French Revo- 
 lution raged for ten years. The lust for blood 
 and power made France a theatre of terror and 
 pillage, and the reign of the Goddess of Reason 
 formed the bloodiest and most revolting page in 
 human history. It was a nightmare of savage 
 and beastly cruelty, all done in the name of a 
 common citizenship, common brotherhood, and 
 the leveling of unequal social and economic con- 
 ditions. It is not a long stretch of imagination, 
 Mike, from "citizone" in France to "comrade" 
 in America, nor a sure white page in human up- 
 lift, when the mob rules in the twentieth century, 
 impelled to action under the genius of Carl 
 Marx, and the rule of the mob in the eighteenth 
 century, under the inspiration of Rosseau and 
 Robespierre. 
 
 Some of these evenings I will read to you what 
 Carl Schurz said of his first meeting with Carl 
 Marx, and how Marx turned an entire conven- 
 tion of European democrats against himself and 
 his theories, because of his dogmatic, vicious and 
 uncompromising nature. 
 
 It is, in intellectual and moral life, as it is in 
 the physical. You are an Aredale Scotch terrier 
 
 i
 
 THE UNDER PUP 83 
 
 because your ancestors were, and you have the 
 nature of an Aredale and not that of a bull dog 
 or a spaniel. I am a white man because my 
 ancestors were, and I think and live differently 
 from other races for the same reason. All the 
 cults that start up, Mike, appeal to like tempera- 
 ments as their leaders, and the disciple thinks 
 and acts as does his master. John Alexander 
 Dowie drew to himself, as disciples, the same 
 mental type as himself. He dreamed of world- 
 wide power. So did they. He healed disease, he 
 said, by prayer. So did they. If his patient 
 failed to get well, he laid it on the patient, not 
 on the lack of efficacy in his system, nor power in 
 himself. They did the same. If others claimed 
 to heal diseases by prayer, or mental methods, he 
 said it was of the devil. His disciples sang the 
 same song. The self same sufficient spirit domi- 
 nates every other cult. This is a "soleful" age, 
 pard, but you will learn that physically, you will 
 be sure to find that you can tell every man's cult 
 by the shape of his block. Carl Marx was a 
 dominating spirit. He wanted a harmonious 
 brotherhood. But all the surrendering and har- 
 monizing must be by others to him. He could 
 endure no criticism from others, but impugned 
 the motive, and attributed only villainy, or dense 
 ignorance, to all who differed from him or, in any
 
 84 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 way, crossed his path. I have found it the same 
 with his followers. I do not blame them, Mike, 
 they are like their master and cannot help it. 
 "Like priest, like people." True thousands of 
 years ago, true today, and true a thousand 
 years hence. 
 
 But the trouble is, Mike, that we so uni- 
 formly men, not dogs mistake the inherent 
 nature of our kind. Some men are born to push 
 ahead, to dominate, to rule. They have the cumu- 
 lative faculty. Others are not endowed with 
 these qualities, and for lack of them are under- 
 lings. Take the great captains of industry like 
 Walter Case. They are what the wise guys call 
 "dominating personalities." Wherever they go 
 they rule. When they go fishing they bait for 
 whales. When they go hunting it must be lions, 
 tigers, elephants, bear, buffalo, or nothing. You 
 and I, Mike, are satisfied with grouse, squirrels, 
 rabbits, chipmunks and Socialists. We naturally 
 tackle things in nature of our own size. That is 
 human nature, and human nature seems to be a 
 bug that Carl Marx overlooked. 
 
 Now there is Walter Case, for instance. Start 
 him in with a cigar store or an ice cream stand. 
 Inside of five years, his place of business will 
 be a department store. Give a man of his genius 
 a dray line and he will develop into a street car
 
 THE UNDER PUP 85 
 
 magnate. Put any one of that gang of Denver 
 Socialist agitators, in the peanut stand, and he 
 will eat the peanuts, and go bankrupt inside of 
 two months. Give an average tramp the dray 
 line and in six months he will mortgage it to 
 his boarding house, or to a saloon. More likely 
 to a saloon. 
 
 If Walter Case was in politics he would be a 
 governor or United States senator. As it is, he 
 can command in the field of industrial enter- 
 prise. In whatever pond he swims he will be 
 a big fish. Get your Socialist Common- 
 wealth established, where everything is owned 
 by the state and private industrial enterprise 
 knocked out, and he and his type will turn from 
 industrial activity to politics, and in the end, 
 dominate the state. In that event, the Socialist 
 leaders of today, so much inferior in dominating 
 genius, will be crowded and shouldered out and 
 likely be put to cleaning streets and sewerage 
 vaults. By the side of men like Walter Case, 
 that is about their size. No sir, Mike, you can't 
 make a Napoleon out of a hod carrier, a mil- 
 lionaire of a spendthrift, nor a statesman out of 
 a narrow gauge agitator. 
 
 Many of the captains of industry were once 
 hired help. They saved a few dollars, saw a 
 chance, buckled their belts a notch tighter, and
 
 86 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 at once climbed into the band wagon of progress. 
 The fellows who, like those chaps here today, 
 shut their eyes to the future, and keep them 
 open to appetite, invariably fall into the de- 
 pendent class, and finally sour on all kinds of 
 work. They now hope to become rich by turning 
 the state over to Socialism, which will confiscate 
 the property which the frugal and prudent have 
 accumulated, and turn it back to the public, 
 which, they fondly imagine, means themselves. 
 
 It is a wild dream, Mike, and will come true 
 when black birds turn white. The real facts in 
 the case are, that a gang like that couldn't run 
 a dray line successfully, much less the affairs of 
 state. Their past and present history proves it. 
 Self-indulgence has, so far, hindered them from 
 getting a business big enough for even one of 
 them to run alone; and were it not for the big 
 men, of brains and constructive ability, whose 
 business gets so large that they must have help, 
 the most of that crowd would go to the poorhouse 
 or starve to death. And under Socialism it 
 would be the same way. The men who now con- 
 trol the industrial world would go into politics 
 and run the state, or it would fail to be a success. 
 If placed in the hands of our gang, you and I 
 included, we would tear things to shreds, drop 
 back into savagery, or famish.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 87 
 
 Socialists are full of statistics. They get 
 them out of their heads and what a blessed 
 thing it is, Mike, that they manage to get them 
 out. 
 
 Just the other day one of the cult, in ex- 
 plaining Socialism in one of the magazines, 
 stated that in normally good times in this coun- 
 try there are ninety thousand men unemployed. 
 There is no such number out of employment who 
 want to work. That statement of ninety thou- 
 sand out of work in prosperous times is not 
 "statistics." It is superheated imagination. I 
 am one of the men out of work all the time. I, 
 a tramp, find it easier to beg. Ninety-five per 
 cent of the rest are like me. You could not drive 
 them into steady employment with a gatling gun. 
 They are in the free soup line every winter. The 
 reason is, they loaf and dodge work all sum- 
 mer. Facts are facts, and we might as well stick 
 to them. There is hunger among thousands of 
 women and children. But if the government 
 would force all the able-bodied men to work, and 
 then compel them to spend the money for the 
 necessities of their families, instead of in sheer 
 dissipation and extravagance on themselves, 
 there would be a mighty sudden end to much of 
 this vaunted misery "among the workers." This 
 is treason to Socialism Mike, but it is ever- 
 lastingly correct.
 
 TALK FIVE 
 
 THIS is a great letter you brought up from 
 the post office this evening, Mike. It is not 
 addressed to Bill Sykes, the bum, but to "Mr. 
 William S. LeClaire, the Custodian of Pine 
 Wood Resort." Sounds better, don't it, old man? 
 Sort of high falutin* and aristocratic, eh? Well, 
 comrade, in the old days, that was a "name to 
 conjure with" as Shakespeare says,, It is the 
 real name my folks gave me. The one I had 
 when a boy; the one I gave to Betty when I was 
 decent, and respectable, and industrious, and 
 when we stood up before the parson and had the 
 knot tied; the one Betty and the babies were so 
 proud of at first. The one I acted the fool and 
 let liquor step in and cover with infamy and dis- 
 grace. The one Betty's folks repudiated when, 
 hungry and careworn, they took her home, and 
 sent me degraded, and empty of self-respect and 
 manly honor, out into the world and on the vag. 
 I did not blame them then, and I do not blame 
 them now. I, alone, was to blame. I had lost 
 all courage, and all hope, till Walter Case, good 
 old Walt, got hold of me, and told me that if I'd 
 quit acting the fool, and straighten up, he would
 
 THE UNDER PUP 89 
 
 help me win it back and make good. I promised, 
 and I'll stick to it, if it breaks a strap. 
 
 He gave me the first decent suit of clothes 
 I've had for ten years, and sent me up to this 
 mountain home to make the new start. And 
 now, to write this letter in the old genial, com- 
 rady way, call me his "Dear friend" and "Old 
 schoolmate," and say such chummy, pleasant 
 things; and just inclose a draft for one hundred 
 round plunks without saying why, then add, "If 
 you need more draw on me at the bank." Need 
 more, Mike? Well I should say not. Why we 
 don't need even this. The old scallywag knew 
 it too. He knows this cabin is crammed with 
 the finest the market affords more than we can 
 eat in a year. He just thought I would need 
 a tonic, along about this time, and sent it to 
 meet the demand. And it sure does the big, 
 generous son of a sea-cook! Why, it is more 
 money than I have seen at one time in ten years. 
 If this ain't combing your hair with silver and 
 brushing it with gold, I'm a cow puncher in the 
 city of New York, roaring drunk. Hang it all, 
 old chap, I believe if I had Betty and the babies 
 back I could be a man once more. Let's see. 
 I've not tasted gin for three months have 
 hardly thought of it. This mountain air, these 
 regular meals, these decent clothes, these weekly
 
 90 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 baths, tri-weekly shaves, shined shoes, clean bed 
 and snappy books to read, with this knowing you 
 are trusted, and trusted fully with the care of 
 valuable property, is a show-down to the Keeley 
 Cure, or a straight flush over a deuce pair, nine 
 games out of ten. 
 
 Just suppose we surprise Betty and the kids, 
 by sending this draft back to the Major Domo 
 of the orphans' school where she teaches, and 
 where they are being educated. Tell him to hand 
 it over to her, and tell her that I got it clean 
 handed, and send it to them, as it is more theirs, 
 than mine. And tell her, for further inform- 
 ation, to see Walter Case, the whitest man in 
 Tennessee. If I can keep up the gait we have 
 been going the last three months, Mike, for two 
 years, and Walt Case will stand by and sort 
 of steady my nerves, I'll have a good many hun- 
 dred simoleons to hand over to the chicks. When 
 I get the letter writ, and in the mail, I will rest 
 easy and stay more like a man than if I keep it. 
 One thing I've always noticed, Mike, is, a full 
 pocket and a rotten appetite are not conducive 
 to future temperate habits in an old bum. 
 
 One hundred plunks for Betty, instead of 
 booze for myself. That means sleeping in bed 
 instead of in the ditch. I'll fool Betty, I'll fool 
 Walter Case, for he had no notion I could stay
 
 THE UNDER PUP 91 
 
 sober. And I'll fool my stomach, with grub in- 
 stead of grog, and let my conscience enjoy the 
 joke. You see, Mike, I'm going to move along 
 your plane after this. I'm going to quit, just 
 dreaming and resoluting my morals, and try liv- 
 ing them, as dogs do. If you don't watch out, 
 old chap, I will be as correct and decent, in my 
 habits, before long, as you are. I've always 
 imagined I had more brains than you, but my 
 mental machinery had too many screws loose and 
 cogs broken for steady moral speed. And a 
 fellow in my fix, morally measured, always has 
 a piece of gum elastic for a conscience, and a 
 tow string for a backbone. 
 
 But studying the social problem has sort of 
 woke me up. It has taught me two things. 
 
 First, that you can't change human nature by 
 changing the law, nor by changing environment. 
 Dogs catch fleas from each other, not cleanliness 
 and good health. Reform comes from within, 
 not from without. You cannot reform men by 
 an appeal to their appetites and passions, nor by 
 changing their associations. A swine is a swine 
 in a pig pen or in a parlor. He will wallow 
 in the one and pollute the other. It is disease 
 that is catching, not health. 
 
 The second, is that Socialism 'does not take 
 inherent human nature into consideration, in
 
 92 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 dealing with governmental and economic prob- 
 lems, at any point of the game. I've seen men 
 work for $12.00 a week, pay for a home and lay 
 up money. I've seen others in the same town 
 work for $18 or $20 a week, with no larger 
 family, and live on the ragged edges, year in and 
 year out. I saw it was in the man, and not in 
 the size of the wage scale, that made the differ- 
 ence in human affairs every time. 
 
 I've seen skilled workmen and salesmen get 
 $100 to $150 a month, and never save a sou. 
 And I've seen what were called inferior men, 
 work for the same firm for $75 to $90 a month, 
 dress fully as well, and add to their bank account 
 every pay day. The reason was, I ken, one had 
 the cumulative faculty, the other the self indulg- 
 ent and spendthrift habit. The one is a happy-go- 
 lucky now, and will be poor and careworn in 
 old age. The other is frugal and saving now, 
 but will whistle, "Every day is Sunday," in the 
 frosty season when the snowflakes fly. 
 
 It is the squirrel that stores up nuts in the 
 fall, that houses comfortably in the winter, and 
 comes out fat and chipper in the spring. The 
 one that idles and plays in the fall must rob 
 others, dig in the snow, or starve in the winter. 
 Men and squirrels are both subject to the same 
 law.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 93 
 
 I saw a boy down in Nebraska, on top of a 
 corn crib with corn in his arms, calling, "Piggy, 
 P l ggy > piggy-" The pigs ran round and round, 
 grunted, begged and squealed, and never saw the 
 boy nor the corn. They just kept their eyes on 
 the ground. He then called, "Chickie, chickie, 
 chickie." Before he had said "Chickie" the last 
 time the crib was covered with all sorts and sizes 
 taking the corn from his hand. 
 
 The trouble with so many of the human race 
 is, like pigs, they spend their time grunting and 
 squealing and refuse to look up. No one throws 
 them grain. If, like chickens, they'd look up, 
 they'd cackle, fly and get the corn. For ten 
 years, Mike, I, Bill Sykes LeClaire, have done 
 nothing but look down, and all the time I 
 needed corn. 
 
 There are a mighty lot of men, as you've 
 noticed, comrade and they are not all tramps 
 by a long shot who will not work till hunger 
 and nakedness drive them to the task. If there 
 were no criminal laws, no individual property 
 rights, no jails, no penitentiaries, no government 
 over men, and no punishment for vagrancy, they 
 never would work. They'd get what they want 
 by pure brute force, or by straight out theft. 
 
 Under a "Socialist Commonwealth," as 
 planned by the Marx crew, where everybody
 
 94 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 owns everything, and where there are no criminal 
 or vagrant laws in the way, that gang would be 
 in clover. They would everlastingly rule the 
 roost. Plenty of grub, comfortable homes and 
 easy circumstances never have yet made men 
 angelic. Some of the most criminally inclined, 
 and villainous in spirit, are the minions of high, 
 easy life. Nor do men have to belong to the capi- 
 talistic class to be social and moral buccaneers. 
 There is a spice of the scoundrel, and a strain 
 of the savage in us all, hungry or well fed. The 
 industrious, hard working middle classes, among 
 men, are the most moral and honest, and the 
 best contented. All human observation proves 
 that. That class find pleasure in doing things, 
 and seeing things, from flowers to beautiful 
 homes and fortunes, bud, bloom and bear fruit. 
 
 It is always the idle, and half idle, that run 
 into mischief. Vice, like briars and weeds, grows 
 the rankest when left alone. Devilment has 
 always been hatched by the idle brood. Keep a 
 horse busy and he seldom jumps the fence. Keep 
 your children at study and they've no time for 
 mischief. 
 
 r As I see it, Mike, the vitalizing influence back 
 of Socialism, is a raging and burning envy of 
 the rich an unquenchable thirst to idle and loaf 
 three-fourths of the time, then live in luxury,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 95 
 
 by indifferent efforts at labor, the other fourth. 
 And the blatantly announced program in this 
 get-rich-quick, get-rich-easy scheme, is to appeal 
 to the never-do-well classes to combine, outnum- 
 ber the other crowd, uproot the government, con- 
 fiscate the property of the rich, rob the provident 
 and prudent, rule the world, and on ill-gotten 
 gains, wade in plenty. All of this, under the 
 sole rule, that every man is to do as he pleases. 
 I read it to you out of the Socialist books, and 
 that it is no lie is as plain as their knowledge 
 of English can make it. 
 
 Now suppose the "Socialist Commonwealth" 
 is established. Then what? All men, we are 
 informed, will at once become brothers. All 
 social and class distinctions will be wiped out, 
 and all race lines will become nil. There will 
 be a common level, with all pigs in the same pen, 
 Indians, negroes, hottentots, wild men of Bor- 
 neo, all the mixed, mongrel breeds of the earth, 
 cannibals and the white race. What a mess it 
 will be. And when all are inter-mixed, as they 
 inevitably will be if the full Socialist spirit is 
 carried out, and their future generations of prog- 
 eny come forth, I'd as soon be numbered among 
 French poodles as among "men." I'm a hobo, 
 Mike, and some down in the social scale. I can 
 eat coons and musk-rats, but I declare, pard, I
 
 96 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 could not swallow a dose like that. I can stand 
 a good deal, but there are some things at which 
 even a hobo will rebel a derelict will revolt. 
 
 Now, there are some things, openly argued, 
 and some things, necessarily implied. When 
 Socialism teaches that the legal, social, class and 
 race distinctions, in the proposed commonwealth, 
 are to be wiped out, and all the races of the 
 earth are to be moulded into one vast brother- 
 hood, under one social and industrial system, 
 with no government over men just a govern- 
 ment over things and every man to do as he 
 pleases what else can result but race amalga- 
 mation? Every brute's supreme desire is to wed 
 with a woman of refinement and beauty, and in 
 the absence of law over men, what is to hinder 
 him from taking her by force? Every inferior 
 race longs to amalgamate with the race superior. 
 That's an impulse as old as history. 
 
 There is one thing about this, Mike, I reckon 
 you do not understand race equality. Social 
 equality in all human history has uniformly led 
 to race intermarriage race amalgamation. All 
 the great inventions, all the imperishable litera- 
 ture, all the tendency towards advancement in 
 civilization, all that has humanized, elevated, re- 
 fined and moralized mankind; all the arts, sci- 
 ences and great humanitarian organizations orig-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 97 
 
 inated with, or are the inventions of the white 
 race the Caucasian. All the ancient nations, 
 as great, as rich and as splendid as some of them 
 were, lost their splendor, their genius, their 
 power, their moral initiative, their progressive 
 spirit, their national splendor, the moment a 
 mixed blooded, mongrel population became a 
 fact through amalgamation with other and in- 
 ferior races. The lighter haired, fair skinned 
 Greek the pure white-blooded nations every- 
 where and every time, lost the racial qualities 
 civilized valor, progressive spirit, artistic and in- 
 ventive genius, civic and moral integrity > 
 through amalgamation with the black and other 
 mongrel species. 
 
 And now, Socialists in America and every 
 Caucasian nation, are pleading that we turn our 
 backs on the uniform events of history, drop to 
 social and racial level with all the inferior races, 
 and repeat the disastrous, degrading experiment 
 which led to the awful record of mental and 
 moral degeneracy and decay in the past. 
 
 The sociology of Socialism is as ill advised, as 
 unscientific, as vicious and degrading in its racial 
 tendency, as it is in its economic, ethical, family, 
 educational and civic dogmas. Socialism claims 
 to be scientific. It is a mere jumble of atheistic 
 materialistic and barbarous nonsense. It ignores
 
 98 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 the simplest principles of science and the most 1 
 common facts of history. It would, by race and 
 social equality, with their concomitant, inevi- 
 table sequence (race amalgamation), lead all 
 America and civilized Europe (with their splen- 
 did genius and power) the same degenerating, 
 disorganizing, debauching road, the same prac- 
 tice, amalgamation with racial inferiors, forced 
 Egypt, Greece and other ancient nations to 
 travel. Everything in history shows that when- 
 ever the superior has amalgamated with the in- 
 ferior, it has meant the lowering, the degrading, 
 the ultimate wiping out of the superior. 
 
 Lovers of the white race, its genius, its in- 
 ventive faculty, its progressive, artistic and 
 exalted history, should well enter the arena to 
 combat this cult with its monstrous doctrines, 
 advanced under the thin veiled guise of a broader 
 humanity an advanced civilization. What it 
 would do would be to turn civilization into degra- 
 dation and barbarism. Some time, Mike, when 
 some Socialist gets his dander up and denies 
 this, I will simplify and prove it so clearly that 
 even a child can understand it. Why don't 
 some scholar and thinker of repute, who loves 
 decency and morality, get at the bottom of this 
 demoralizing philosophy and fully, conclusively 
 and unanswerably explode it?
 
 THE UNDER PUP 99 
 
 It is to the credit of well-informed laboring 
 men in this country, that they intuitively see 
 through socialistic plans, understand precisely 
 where socialism will logically lead, in the scale of 
 civilization. They turn a deaf ear to its wooings. 
 Were some of the uninitiated cult to hear this 
 talk, Mike, they would want to tear the earth, 
 swearing it to be false. But the initiated, the 
 master propagandists, the chief doctrinaires, 
 know it to be true. I heard a public discussion 
 with one of their reputed big wigs a year or two 
 ago. These very things were shot at him with 
 copious notes, read from socialist standard au- 
 thors. He could not, and did not, refute them, 
 and has not been heard from since. 
 
 Socialism on the platform, socialism on the 
 stump, socialism in pamphlets and missionary 
 leaflets, for the uninitiated mass, only dwells on 
 the industrial and economic inequalities of exist- 
 ing conditions. It only pleads, openly, for a 
 "knock-out blow" to be handed to "Capitalism," 
 and for the leveling of industrial and class in- 
 equalities. The ethical and religious phases of 
 the doctrine are reserved for teaching and em- 
 phasizing to the initiated alone. When you read 
 Marx, Engles, Bax, Bebel, Fourier, Heron and 
 the entire brood of standard authorities, that 
 form the socialistic library of inside information,
 
 100 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 and which are to be studied as the correct expo- 
 sition of simon pure, scientific socialism, you get 
 it as the master minds insist that it is in theory 
 and will be in practice, when their proposed 
 "Commonwealth" rules the world. How will it 
 be brought about? Marx said in the Hague 
 Conference in 1872: 
 
 "In most countries in Europe violence must 
 be the lever of our social reform." 
 
 Marx and Engles say in the Manifesto, which 
 occupies a prominent place in every Socialist 
 library, and is religiously read and revered by 
 all Socialists: 
 
 "In short, communists everywhere support 
 every revolutionary movement against the exist- 
 ing social and political order of things. They 
 openly declare that their ends can be obtained 
 only by the forcible overthrow of the existing 
 conditions. Let the ruling class tremble at a 
 communistic (now called socialistic) revolution. 
 Working men of all countries unite." 
 
 In this book, called "Socialism: Scientific and 
 Utopian," is a Digger Indian war whoop from 
 Fredric Engles. Listen, Mike, and I'll read it 
 to you: 
 
 "Working men seize the public power, and by 
 means of this transform the private means of 
 production, slipping from the hands of capital- 
 ists, into public property."
 
 THE UNDER PUP 101 
 
 What do you say to that, old dog? We are 
 to whoop it up to each other till our heads are 
 bald inside, then get blood in our eyes, mud on 
 our horns, the smell of powder in our hair and 
 just paw the earth and roar. Wherever we see 
 a factory, a mine, a railroad or any other old 
 thing, owned by a capitalist, take it take it, if 
 we've got to pig-stick him with a knife to get it. 
 Pry him loose, the money hog, dead or alive, and 
 give it to the public which of course means us. 
 Do it; for has not our great and sacred Carl 
 Marx said that "violence must be the lever of 
 our social reform." Has not the great and good 
 Bebel declared that the events of the Paris Com- 
 mune, "Are but a slight skirmish in the war" 
 mind you, war "which the proletariat is pre- 
 pared to wage against all palaces." Do it, be- 
 cause Walter Thomas Mills, the "Little Giant" 
 of Socialism, says, "If the state is understood to 
 be one part of society, using the strength of all 
 to rob another part of society, then socialism 
 will abolish it." Do it because Victor L. Berger, 
 the mighty Socialist Poobah of Milwaukee, de- 
 clared that: 
 
 "In view of the plutocratic law making of 
 the present age, it is easy to predict that the 
 safety and hope of the country will finally lie 
 in one direction only that of a violent and
 
 102 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Hoody revolution. Therefore I say, each of the 
 Jive hundred thousand voters and the two million 
 working men who instinctively incline our way, 
 should, besides doing much reading and still 
 more thinking, also have a good rifle and the 
 necessary rounds of ammunition in his home, and 
 be prepared to back up his ballot with his bul- 
 lets. * * * We must resist as long as re- 
 sistance is possible." 
 
 Has not Eugene Debs, the two-times Socialist 
 candidate for the presidency of the United 
 States, recently said in Chicago, according to 
 press reports, to a Socialist audience of five 
 thousand people? 
 
 "If ever again I lead a strike in Chicago and 
 Judge Grosscup issues an injunction such as he 
 issued against me fifteen years ago, I will tear 
 it to bits and trample it in the dust." Why not 
 spit in his face, pull his hair, punch him in the 
 mug? Do something real revolutionary, and that 
 he will remember the next time he is inclined 
 to get gay and fool with a buzz saw? 
 
 Now, Mike, [just think just suppose, all this 
 gang of revolutionary jabberwacks should step 
 into a great labor convention composed of sober, 
 intelligent, law-abiding delegates from the great 
 mines and manufacturies of the United States 
 suppose it were presided over by one of labor's
 
 THE UNDER PUP 103 
 
 most representative men, and, one by one, each 
 firebrand would try to incite the convention to 
 revolution and lawlessness, by treasonable and 
 incendiary utterances like those just quoted, 
 what do you think they would say to, or do with 
 them? I think John Mitchell would rise in his 
 place and say to them verbally, as he has said 
 in cold type, in his book, the "Labor Problem:" 
 
 "There is no necessary hostility between capi- 
 tal and labor. Neither can do without the other ; 
 each has evolved the other. The laborer and the 
 capitalist are both men, with the virtues and 
 vices of men, and each wishes at times more than 
 his share, yet broadly considered, the interest of 
 the one is the interest of the other." 
 
 Then pointing his finger at Berger, he would 
 likely continue, repeating to him and his asso- 
 ciates what he wrote for the instruction of 
 American labor, once on a time : 
 
 "The average worker has made up his mind 
 that he must remain a wage worker. He has 
 given up the hope of a kingdom to come, where 
 he himself will be a capitalist. Socialism is and 
 can be realized only among savage tribes. In 
 civil society we must bear with Christian patience 
 the burden of sorrow that necessarily falls to the 
 lot of man, supported by the thought that 'it is 
 better to bear those ills we have than to fly to
 
 104 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 others that we know not of.' Both in univer- 
 sities and colleges as well as in elementary 
 schools, we must purge out the bad leaven of 
 atheistic principles in order that respect may be 
 inculcated for law, divine and human, natural 
 and civil." 
 
 Then as he would sit down amid the cheers 
 and hurrahs of the delegates assembled, I can 
 hear the presiding officer, with much fervor and 
 dignity, say, "Gentlemen, that is the answer of 
 law abiding American labor to the voice and 
 spirit of classism. That is the reply of the great 
 industrial forces of this country, whose brain and 
 muscle, whose patriotism and loyalty, whose in- 
 dustry and perseverance, whose intelligence and 
 skill, have made it one of the best and freest 
 countries on the face of the earth. That is the 
 answer of the men, who make their living by 
 the sweat of their brow, to the professional agi- 
 tator who makes his by the sweat of his jaw. 
 That is the answer of the men who love liberty 
 and justice, home and religion, Betty and the 
 baby, law and order, and who believe that the 
 brightest gem in the sunlight of heaven is the 
 dew-drop of perspiration on the brow of honest 
 toil, to the crack-brained forces of revolution. 
 And now, gentlemen, if you will kindly with- 
 draw from the hall, we will continue our dis-
 
 THE UXDER PUP 105 
 
 cussion of lawful methods, looking to the high- 
 est and best interests of honorable and honest in- 
 dustry." And, Mike, if the average intelligent 
 laboring man was not the gentleman he usually 
 is, they'd take them out of the convention and 
 duck them in the pond. You curl up now, and 
 I will go to bed.
 
 TALK SIX 
 
 I TELL you, Mike, if two old vags ever hit a 
 snap, you and I have struck it this winter. 
 
 For everything that happens wise folks say 
 there is a reason a reason, good or bad. So 
 I've been sitting here by the fire, trying to savy 
 the whys and wherefores of this easy berth that 
 came our way just in the nick of time. 
 
 All summer we loafed, tramped, shirked, 
 begged and dodged everything that looked like 
 work. Snow had come in the mountains and 
 frost on the plains. Where we were to go, and 
 how to exist till spring, was a sealed book. 
 
 I was dead blue, dead broke and ready to cash 
 in of my own accord, the day we struck Boulder. 
 Then you stepped in and took a hand. 
 
 That bunch of steers escaped from the stock 
 yards and stampeded down the street. They 
 were almost at the crossing where the little maid 
 stood paralyzed with fear. Men yelled like wild, 
 women screamed and fainted, I saw it and said, 
 "Good-bye, little sweetheart, good-bye, you're a 
 gone kid." Just then a yellow body shot out, 
 grabbed the nose of the big leader, gave it a 
 yank and over he went, caflop. That turned the 
 rest to one side, and the danger had passed. 
 
 106
 
 THE UNDER PUP 107 
 
 Some men argue that a dog can't think. Maybe 
 some dogs can't. But you can, old man. You 
 thought that trip, and thought quicker and better 
 than anybody on the street. And that day with 
 you, as usual, to think was to act; and good, 
 faithful, intelligent, courageous old standby 
 that you are, you saved another life. In all our 
 career, Mike, when danger was around and a 
 dog could make it hike, you were "Johnnie on 
 the spot." Twenty times it has been, and not 
 once did you fail. 
 
 How the crowd hurrahed and cheered at what 
 you did. How the grateful mother caressed and 
 fondled you. How the little girl hugged and 
 petted, and fed you good things, while the men 
 bought that silver collar and buckled it around 
 your neck. What a hero you were not a tin 
 horn, but a real hero of the heroic kind. And 
 how everybody wanted to see you and pat you on 
 the head. How they pitied you because you 
 "were the property of a tramp." They didn't 
 know, Mike, that just at that psychological mo- 
 ment you were the boss; that on the question of 
 destiny you were the owner of me. And, honor 
 bright, Mike, how noble you seemed, and how 
 lonesome and forsaken, and mean, I felt, in my 
 poverty and rags felt it because I was so de- 
 graded and homeless and forsaken. But, old
 
 108 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 man, I wasn't jealous of your popularity, not 
 a little bit. You deserved it, you had earned it, 
 and I felt prouder over it than you did honestly 
 proud that I was linked up with something de- 
 cent, even if it was only a dog. There are times 
 when we see that great qualities of heroism do 
 not belong to men alone when we see the divine 
 spark in other things as well. 
 
 Walt Case was on the street, saw it, came 
 around to get a closer look at you, saw me, knew 
 me and here we are in alfalfa clean over our 
 heads. 
 
 I say to you, "on the square," Mike, that peo- 
 ple generally do not give a dog a fair show. 
 They do not know his real value because they 
 do not get down and count up his good deeds, his 
 fidelity and his upright, honest, ungrudging, dis- 
 criminating service. 
 
 That stage driver that brought us up here 
 tried to get real chummy wanted to poke his 
 nose into everything about us ; started in to give 
 advice about a lot of things that was none of 
 his business; said, did I not really think that 
 Providence guided our lives, and that it was 
 Providence that got us this fine layout. I told 
 him that Providence, I reckoned, has a heap to 
 do with most things, but in this particular in- 
 stance I savy'd it was mostly stub-tailed yaller
 
 THE UNDER PUP 109 
 
 dog. He shut his fly trap on that line for a 
 minute, then laid his hand on your head and said, 
 "He is a fine dog. How old is he?" settled back, 
 closed his mug and looked almost human. 
 
 But that is the way it has been for years. You 
 have been the white sheep of the flock. When 
 people got fully acquainted, they always wanted 
 to keep you, but kicked clean over the traces on 
 keeping me. The reason, I savy, is because you 
 always did all you could, and did it willingly, 
 while I never did a stroke more than I was paid 
 for, or had to. 
 
 But that rule is as old as Adam. "You tickle 
 me and I'll tickle you," "You make my fire, 
 and furnish my grub, and I'll cook your meal," 
 "You steal my cat and I'll steal your cow," has 
 been the nifty love touch throughout the history 
 of the human race. 
 
 It is sort of ingrained in human nature dyed 
 in the wool to ask, and expect, more than we 
 give; try to hog everything in sight. I've heard 
 preachers and deacons, after asking for every 
 good thing this side of Heaven, pray as a final 
 clincher, "Lord, do more for us and better by 
 us than we are able to ask, or are in any wise 
 worthy to receive." 
 
 Any man will gamble on a sure thing. The 
 less work it takes to get it the harder he will
 
 110 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 fight for, and run after it. Rich men boast, as a 
 side line, that their happiest days were when 
 they were poor; and cynical old King David in- 
 sisted that, as far back as his day, most men 
 were liars. 
 
 On the subject of poverty and riches, Mike, 
 I believe that, of all men, the Socialist is the 
 most honest. He is usually poor, makes a mar- 
 tyr of himself and brags about it; admits he 
 wants the earth and don't seem over-scrupulous 
 as to how he gets it. 
 
 He is not dishonest and courageous enough 
 to go out lone-handed and steal it, but asserts 
 that if he can muster a majority, it will be mor- 
 ally and legally just to overthrow the govern- 
 ment, coerce the minority, and confiscate it. He 
 thinks that when the few take from the many 
 they are thieves, but when the many and mind 
 you, Mike, the many must be Socialists com- 
 bine and take from the few, they are benefactors 
 and patriots. With them theft is not determined 
 by the nature of the act, but by the number and 
 political complexion of those who engage in it. 
 
 They are not hogs, Mike, and they are not 
 dishonest. Oh, no ! Not they. All they insist on 
 is, that the men who have not money and they 
 have counted noses and know they are in the 
 majority shall combine, take from those who
 
 THE UNDER PUP 111 
 
 have, and appropriate it for themselves. If they 
 cannot get it by peaceable methods, Marx, En- 
 gels and the chief gazabos insist they will get 
 guns and shoot it out of the other class the 
 class who have. 
 
 The only hitch in the program is, the great 
 body of laboring men, to whom they are making 
 their appeal, are honest, patriotic and upright, 
 and with a revolting sense of the diabolical, cold- 
 blooded unfairness of the rattle-brain scheme, 
 when they once fully comprehend it, balk at the 
 very start. But Socialists insist that a man can- 
 not accumulate a fortune these days, honestly 
 and fairly that he must rob somebody to do it ; 
 that it is no sin to rob the robber, and Socialism 
 will be justified. 
 
 Who did Walt Case rob when he alone washed 
 $300,000 in gold from the sand and gravel of 
 Alaska? Who has he robbed since, when every 
 man who has ever worked for him has received 
 wages enough to keep his family and some be- 
 sides, to lay up for a rainy day? I know he has 
 done this, because many of his men now own 
 comfortable homes and a good sized bank ac- 
 count saved it out of their wages, and lived 
 well while doing it. Others, who got bigger 
 wages than they, are yet riding on the cross-tie 
 express. Some of them did not save, because
 
 112 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 they had too great a thirst. Others did not be- 
 cause they lacked the cumulative faculty, or a 
 front sight on their financial guns elemental 
 weakness. 
 
 Now, while we are at it, Mike, suppose we get 
 this thing square in our think tanks. Many and 
 many a fortune is honestly earned, honestly ad- 
 ministered and honestly owned many more 
 than Socialists think. 
 
 My brother George moved to the foot-hills of 
 Colorado. The land was as dry as a cracker at 
 a Sunday School picnic. It wouldn't sprout 
 Canada thistles. The Indians never used it, and 
 no other white man would have it. The govern- 
 ment which in America is the people said, 
 "Any man who thinks he can do anything more 
 than starve to death on it, can have it and wel- 
 come to it." So George built a house, dug a 
 well, fenced the land, and moved onto it. For a 
 few dollars of the realm, the government gave 
 him a patent to it. It was his, both by right of 
 possession and right of purchase. The patent 
 granted, the government agreed to protect him 
 and his heirs in their ownership forever. George 
 had never owned anything before but a dog, a 
 gun, and a house full of little red-headed 
 LeClaires. He was as proud of his sand and 
 sage brush farm, as a five year old Yankee kid 
 with a speckled pup.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 113 
 
 But, Mike, George was no fool. He made 
 that one hundred and sixty acres blossom as a 
 rose. He and the boys went up the gulch where 
 there was a fine trout stream running to waste. 
 He filed on the water, paid a few more simoleons, 
 and the government gave him a patent to that. 
 He dug a big ditch from the creek to the farm 
 and a small one from that, all around and over 
 it. Then, presto. Instead of sand, and gravel, 
 and sage brush, there were wheat, oats, alfalfa, 
 fruit and flowers, up to your neck. And today 
 George is as rich as Jersey cream. Do I envy 
 him, or covet what he has made? Does anybody 
 else, with a spoonful of justice, or an ounce of 
 honor, feel that it is not morally, legally and 
 everlastingly his? I guess not. George always 
 was a nifty lad. He had front sights to his 
 gun, aimed at the game, pulled the trigger, got it 
 and should be protected in his possession of it. 
 He, by all the rules of logic and justice, deserves 
 it. Who did he rob to get it? Who must he pay 
 back to reimburse for it? Tell me, Mike, who 
 was injured even so much as a farthing? 
 
 Clothed in my right mind and able to back it 
 with facts and figures, I say to you, as to a dog 
 of common sense, that any man, any crazy quilt 
 political party or any high binder government, 
 that would undertake to confiscate it, or in any
 
 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 way appropriate it, as a whole or in part, with- 
 out paying him for it dollar for dollar, is a plain, 
 every day thief. Social commonwealth or no 
 social commonwealth, thieves are thieves, whether 
 they travel alone or in droves a billion strong. 
 
 "If the blind lead the blind they will both f all 
 into the ditch." If one man steals alone he's a 
 thief. If he gets a whole nation to help him 
 they are all thieves. And more, if a man stands 
 on a street corner, in a public hall, a church or 
 anywhere else, or writes a book, pamphlet or 
 newspaper article, advocating the combination 
 of one class of men, looking to the appropriation 
 of the property of another class, without full 
 compensation, he is appealing to the brute in- 
 stinct in men and is conspiring to wholesale 
 theft. 
 
 One chap down town, last Sunday, got un- 
 usually good. Said he was not a Carl Marx, 
 but a Christian, Socialist; that Christian Social- 
 ists believe in paying for what they get; that 
 when they come into power, the government will 
 equitably appraise all private property, pay the 
 owner for it in full and place it to the credit of 
 the public, when all the people will own it in 
 common. 
 
 That sounds a little smoother till your thinker 
 gets into action, then the stickers bob up.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 115 
 
 In the first place, there is little danger of 
 *' Christian Socialism" ever being able to control 
 the government or anything else. Among the 
 .various breeds of Socialists, that variety is as 
 scarce as hen's teeth. What few of them there 
 are, vote the Marx ticket without a scratch. As 
 a political factor they are roosters on the same 
 limb of the tree; and what they believe, or what 
 they do not believe, amounts to nothing. They 
 lack both numbers and power to do anything, 
 except to, here and there, blind the eyes of men 
 to the real dangerous and vital thing, which is 
 that the basic principles of modern Socialism are 
 materialism economic determinism. 
 
 In the second place, Mike, any school Koy 
 knows that there is not money enough in the 
 world to pay for one side of it, on a cash basis. 
 And a "Socialist Commonwealth," just going 
 into power would be minus most of that. But, 
 suppose the Commonwealth should own all the 
 money? Then what? It would pay out to the 
 bottom cent of its treasury, and still be short 
 nineteen-twentieths of the needed funds to get 
 out of debt. A bonded indebtedness would nec- 
 essarily ensue, that would tax the people to 
 death, or put the "Commonwealth" entirely out 
 of business. But, suppose further, that the pub- 
 lic administrators, seeing the inevitable, would
 
 116 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 repudiate the entire "Commonwealth debt?" 
 Then the question of theft comes in again, and 
 the Christian element goes gleaning. A dis- 
 honest government is as unchristian as a dis- 
 honest individual. 
 
 Besides, in the event of purchase, the govern- 
 ment being bankrupt, the former capitalists 
 would own all the money. So capitalism would 
 in no sense be destroyed. It would then be a 
 money oligarchy sure enough. By that time, 
 capitalists, if half as villainous as Socialists say 
 they are, would find it convenient to hire the dis- 
 gusted, deceived and disappointed part of the 
 public, to take up arms and shoot the common- 
 wealth into utter oblivion. The last end of So- 
 cialism would be its worst. Civilization would 
 have to begin over again. 
 
 So I reckon, Mike, after all, your "Scientific" 
 brand of Socialism is the quill feather of the 
 wing. It has less conscience, less humanity, more 
 gall and more self assertiveness. It proposes to 
 rob all property owners in the start, confiscate 
 and appropriate everything in sight, and begin 
 business with a new set of books. It is a revo- 
 lutionist and is proud of it, proposes to plunder 
 and brags about it, intends to impoverish the rich 
 and don't care who knows it; and last, but far 
 from least, proposes to turn all administrative
 
 THE UNDER PUP 117 
 
 affairs and constructive statesmanship over to 
 the very class, whom thousands of years of hu- 
 man history have shown, are constitutionally 
 incapable of constructing even small things or 
 progressively administering their own business. 
 But, aside from the inexperience and incapac- 
 ity of the class who are, according to Socialism, 
 to rule in the new order of things, there is an- 
 other point that even a tramp cannot overlook. 
 That is, that in all the centuries of civilization, 
 theorists and doctrinaires have dreamed of "Com- 
 munity Brotherhoods," "Common Ownership" 
 of property and an "Industrial Utopia" in which 
 all men should dwell together in unity, equality, 
 contentment, prosperity and peace. Again and 
 again, community of property has been tried. 
 Not once has it been a success. The early Chris- 
 tians tried it and had to quit. Every time it has 
 been tried since, it has run up against the inher- 
 ent kinks and defects in human nature, staggered 
 along for awhile, and then fallen into decay. 
 Religious fervor and economic fanaticism, com- 
 bined, could not keep it alive. What a few men 
 have never been able to do, under the most 
 favorable circumstances, cannot be accomplished 
 of the past were not failures from the stand- 
 point of economics, but from the ingrained weak- 
 by the many in the midst of strife. The failures
 
 118 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ness and crookedness of human nature. 
 experiment that fails when tried on a small scale 
 cannot be made a success on a larger one. 
 
 I visited one of the most successful Com- 
 munes, of all that were ever established. (The 
 South Amana Colony in Iowa.) Every house 
 in the community was as like every other one, as 
 one bee hive is like another. All architectural 
 symmetry, all artistic beauty, all homesome at- 
 tractiveness of the surroundings were painfully 
 absent. I saw while there, not one smile, except 
 on the face of an outsider, and the place looked 
 to me more like the home of disappointment, dis- 
 content and sadness, than one of contentment 
 and triumph. 
 
 I tell you, Mike, that things can't stand still. 
 They must grow one way or the other up hill 
 or down. The way things were tending in the 
 direction of ingrained sadness when I was there, 
 I doubt, that by this time, if a hen raised on 
 the place feels jubilant enough to cackle when 
 she lays an egg. 
 
 *: There is a "sucker born every minute" and the 
 new ones bite at the same old bait. Any theory 
 that promises to fill the stomach, satisfy the 
 passions and make men rich without work, witK 
 the glimmer of flowers and beauty thrown on 
 the imaginative landscape, is a dead center shot,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 119 
 
 to the fellow who turns his back, shuts his ears 
 to the voice of history, thinks with his imagina- 
 tion, hears through his ambition and reasons 
 with his appetite. 
 
 One of the most beautiful varmints I ever saw 
 at a distance, when shot and thrown into the 
 town, stunk everybody off the street. The stories 
 of business chances I've heard that were pippins 
 to the ear, more often proved Sodom's apples 
 to the touch. Human nature is a strange bird, 
 Mike, and the man who thinks he can conquer 
 it through singing lullabys and tickling it under 
 the chin, will find, in the end, that he would have 
 been better off had he tackled it with a stuffed 
 club. No, no, son, you cannot twist the moral 
 warps and selfish curls out of the whole human 
 family at one stroke. Every plan invented by; 
 the profoundest minds, the highest type of gen- 
 ius, among the most philanthropic and prudent 
 of the human race, has been patiently tried 
 tried again and again and failed. The highest ap- 
 peal to love and brotherhood, manly honor and 
 patriotism, with promise of abundant reward, 
 both here and hereafter, have, each and all, failed 
 as to the bulk of mankind. Repressive laws with 
 [jails, penitentiaries and eternal torture, have all 
 been set up as penalties for beastly and degen- 
 erate conduct men have believed and cringed in
 
 120 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 fear, hid in the darkness, trembling at every ap- 
 proaching footstep, and yet untamed nature and 
 savage cruelty remain to disturb mankind and 
 curse the earth. Nor can you bring human per- 
 fection and angelic brotherhood into existence 
 through a system that appeals directly and ex- 
 clusively to the selfishness, the cupidity and the 
 unbridled appetite of men. 
 
 Under a system of human society in which 
 there are to be no "laws of repression" over men, 
 "only an administration of things," instead of a 
 Utopia a heaven on earth barbarism, sav- 
 agery, anarchy, literal hell, would break loose in 
 any country, in any age, as it did in France in 
 the eighteenth century. The fact that many of 
 the best fed, the best clothed and the best housed 
 men in all history have been, on an average, as 
 low in the scale of selfishness, immorality and 
 dishonesty as the poorer classes as vicious, as 
 dissipated, as inhuman, as vengeful, derelict and 
 vagrant. When Socialism proclaims that uni- 
 versal plenty would create universal purity, uni- 
 versal equality, universal equity, universal unsel- 
 fishness, it is talking without warrant. This will 
 be the more apparent as we get further into the 
 subject, Mike. You will see that it is against 
 the government, religion and the family, making 
 the highest moral standard the unrestrained va-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 121 
 
 garies of the human will. This will be seen, not 
 from the irresponsible ravings of the small fry, 
 but from the cold, calm, reflective, premeditated 
 statements of leaders of the highest rank the 
 greatest exponents of the "science." And the 
 statements, as we will see, are not fragmentary 
 or vagrant. They are the concrete expression 
 of a uniform system of belief. If the little unin- 
 fluential Socialist tells you these things are not 
 a part of socialism, it is because he does not 
 understand the range and grasp of socialist phil- 
 osophy. If he insists that socialism is not dis- 
 loyal to the government it is because he fails to 
 comprehend the fact that a "co-operative com- 
 monwealth" cannot be established in any country 
 without the prior total destruction of the exist- 
 ing civic order, and the complete annulment of 
 its statutory code. George D. Herron is the 
 highest Socialist authority in this country. He 
 is the American member of the international 
 council. He knows and says that socialism the 
 world over is a unit, working to one end the 
 overthrow of all government (the United States 
 included) and the establishment on their ashes 
 of a world-wide "Socialist," "Industrial," "Co- 
 operative Commonwealth."
 
 TALK SEVEN 
 
 WHEN you hear men shooting off their wind 
 traps on the reconstruction of human nature 
 through the external regenerating influence of 
 Socialism, Mike, your birth place should be in 
 Missouri somewhere way down in the middle of 
 the State say, at about the legal center of 
 "Show Me" county. Don't bother about the 
 "wood pile;" just keep your eye on the "nigger." 
 
 According to the way the books read when I 
 was in school, the disciples of Jesus, living with 
 Him for years and noting how natural and easy it 
 was for Him to live the perfect life, imagined that 
 His religion was like smallpox when you got it, 
 it broke out all over; and everybody who caught 
 it would be as He was inherently as perfect and 
 serene as a June morning. But the sons of Zebe- 
 dee grabbed for the highest seat on the throne 
 the first crack out the box. Judas turned traitor 
 in his thirst for gold. Peter displayed the white 
 feather to save his hide. Ananias and Saphira 
 lied like cheap politicians on the money question; 
 and the whole church at Corinth, got into an 
 uproar over who should be the bell sheep of the 
 flock. And all down through the centuries some 
 of the biggest scalawags roosted the highest in 
 
 122
 
 THE UNDER PUP 123 
 
 the synagogues, while the best men sat in the low- 
 est pews. 
 
 But, with all that, Mike, the brightest spot on 
 the map, and the spot where you find the highest 
 standard of civilization is where the life of Jesus 
 is the best known, and His teachings form the 
 ultimate standard of appeal in matters of right 
 and wrong. The darkest spot, and the lowest 
 standard,are among the wild, savage tribes,where 
 there are no "repressive laws over men;" where 
 each man "does whatever he likes;" where "re- 
 ligion is purely a 'private matter,' and in no way 
 recognized as a public affair;" and where the 
 Christian religion is unknown. 
 
 It has been a good while since we had an old 
 time heart to heart talk. But I've been reading 
 up, Mike, to see what the great Socialist leaders, 
 the men of authority, whose word is not a sub-i 
 ject of dispute I say, I've been reading, to see 
 just what these men say on this point. And it 
 is surprising how much more like barbarians they 
 talk on questions affecting social conditions, than 
 like leaders of civilized life, having in their keep- 
 ing the best interests of the race. You don't have 
 to be a university graduate, living in a brown 
 stone front, to see that socialist theories, practi- 
 cally applied, loiock into a cocked hat, at one 
 swipe, all the real progress the world has made
 
 124 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 in thousands of years. Not much. Why a com- 
 mon hobo, with merely a high school education, 
 can see it with his eyes shut. No difference what 
 the little jabberwock on the street corner says, 
 it's these big wigs that teach real socialism. They 
 are profound enough to fathom, and know what 
 it really is. 
 
 You know, Mike, if you have a speck of dog 
 sense, and I know you have, that your pard has 
 never been struck with religion so as to affect 
 his appetite at any stage of the game. You 
 know, how he has joined in with the mob in 
 blackguarding preachers and vilifying church 
 members. But, all the time, he has known, as 
 a fixed fact, that the best institution we have 
 today, with all its faults, is the Christian church. 
 
 The only gang of geezers in this country that 
 ever insisted on trying to build a town, and boost 
 a community without religion, was a lot of athe- 
 ists and infidels, at Liberal, Missouri. And the 
 flat failure they made has come to be a super- 
 annuated chestnut, even among hoboes. You 
 know, and I know, that nine out of every ten 
 booze fighters that ever reform, and stay re- 
 formed, have to climb into the church and stay 
 there to do it. You and I know, that in the 
 great cities religion, through missions and mis- 
 sionaries, goes down into the slums, picks up
 
 THE UNDER PUP 125 
 
 the moral wrecks of humanity, cleans, clothes 
 them in their right mind and makes them over 
 into respectable and useful citizens hundreds 
 and hundreds of them. You and I know that 
 where churches are the thickest, human life is 
 the safest; and we know farther, that doors are 
 not locked to keep Christians from house-break- 
 ing; they are barred to keep the other gang out. 
 You and I know that jail birds, penitentiary 
 snipes and highway robbers, rapists and sedu- 
 cers do not consult the church, nor read their 
 bibles as incentives to their criminal work ; neither 
 do they tarry at the altar to pray for Divine 
 guidance, before starting out on a professional 
 forage. Yes sir, Mike, we know all this, and we 
 know that all the criminal classes hate the church 
 as the "Devil hates holy water." For the church 
 to espouse any cause is the sure sign for them 
 to fight it. 
 
 Now in these books I've been reading Social- 
 ists declare their undying hatred, both for the 
 church and religion. For example, Carl Marx, 
 who was the chief squeeze the originator of 
 the cult, declared: "The abolition of religion as 
 the deceptive happiness of the people is a nec- 
 essary condition for true happiness." See, Mike? 
 When true happiness consists of each man 
 "doing whatever he likes," religion must neces-
 
 126 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 sarily be abolished. Another chap by the name 
 of Bebel says, that he "leaves religion to the 
 angels and sparrows." And Leibnecht, another 
 "great Socialist leader," writes, "Stupidity re- 
 peals itself in religious forms and dogmas." I 
 ivisited a lunatic asylum one time, in which most 
 of the inmates thought everybody insane but 
 themselves. 
 
 In a little pamphlet I happened to pick up the 
 other day at the hotel, I saw that another Social- 
 ist yap, Henry Quetch of England, wrote in 
 the "Social Democrat" March 15, 1902: "In your 
 letter asking me for my opinion as to the atti- 
 tude of the Socialist party towards the church, 
 I think the only line to be taken is that of un- 
 compromising hostility. The church is a power- 
 ful, crafty and resourceful enemy." Had it bad, 
 hadn't he, Mike? He must have tried to do 
 something socialistic sometime, run up against 
 religion and struck a snag. Do you remember 
 that Rube you ran into the river that frosty 
 morning for trying to snipe our breakfast, eh? 
 Well, he has an "uncompromising feeling" of 
 hostility to you every time he thinks of you. 
 And it is not likely that he will ever lose it. 
 So, in the interest of your own good health, if 
 you see him any time in the future, better walk 
 sidewise and keep your eye peeled. But that
 
 THE UNDER PUP 127 
 
 is not all. Here is George D. Herron muchly 
 married George. The Mint Julep, who left a 
 devoted wife and family for a delicately 
 flavored affinity, and who, as a partial reward, 
 no doubt, was made international secretary of 
 the Socialist party, slaps back at religion in this 
 way: "Christianity today stands for what is 
 lowest and basest in life. To take on Christian- 
 ity, would be for Socialism to take Judas to its 
 bosom." For Socialism to take on Christianity 
 would mean just this for George D. he would 
 have to hit the pike from his international sec- 
 retaryship, as he had to hit it, once upon a time, 
 from the Grinnell, Iowa, institution of learning, 
 and from the ministry of the Congregational 
 church. Once more, Mike, listen to this: In 
 "Socialism and Religion" Bax says: "In what 
 sense Socialism is not religious will now be made 
 clear. It utterly despises the other world, with 
 its stage properties ; that is, the present system." 
 Emile Vandervilde, a Belgian Socialist leader, 
 got on his ear in 1903 and declared: "Can a 
 sincere believer follow the church's teachings and 
 yet be a Socialist? We are bound to admit that 
 both in philosophy and politics there must be war 
 between Socialism and the church." 
 
 Do you begin to see it now, Mike? Well, 
 surely you should. For this is what I've been
 
 128 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 trying to tell you in my refined and delicate way 
 all along. Its just like this: The church be- 
 lieves that there should be a government over 
 men. Socialists do not. The church believes 
 that when a man accumulates a fortune honestly, 
 as did Walter Case and my brother George, it 
 belongs to him, in fee simple. Socialism declares 
 such men are thieves. The church believes that 
 when a man does wrong when he tramples on 
 the rights of others he should be legally re- 
 pressed. Socialism believes with Fourier that 
 "The human soul is nothing but attraction, and 
 man should do whatever he likes." The church 
 believes that one should work, or pay, for the 
 property he gets. Socialism believes that when 
 property is wanted and there is the needed vot- 
 ing strength at hand, it should be secured by 
 confiscation, and not by honorable purchase. 
 The church believes that when a man, or men, 
 are guilty of crime, they should be held amena- 
 ble to the law. Socialism believes that there 
 should be no law over men. The church believes 
 that when two men have a property difference, 
 which they cannot themselves adjust any other 
 way, the adjustment should be made by the civil 
 courts. Socialism believes, according to Bax, 
 that in such instance they should be treated as 
 a housewife treats two quarreling torn cats to
 
 THE UNDER PUP 129 
 
 a pail of hot slop let them fight it out alone. 
 So, Mike, there is no mistaking the fact that 
 this Belgian Rarebit, knowing what Socialism 
 actually is, and being acquainted somewhat with 
 the inherent spirit of Christianity, is piping up 
 the right tree when he says: "There must be 
 war between Socialism and the church." The 
 principles of the two are essentially antagonistic. 
 Christianity would control man through his 
 spiritual nature; Socialism through his stomach. 
 However, old pard, I don't want you to get 
 the idea that, for the most part, all of the 
 enemies of religion among Socialists, have died. 
 No, sir; not at all. There are plenty of live 
 ones. And the live ones stop and sneeze, where 
 those, now dead, took snuff . James Leatham in 
 "Socialism and Character," says: "While all of 
 us are thus indifferent to the church, many of 
 us are frankly hostile to her. Marx, Lasselle 
 and Engles among the earlier Socialists ; Morris, 
 Bax, Hyndman, Guesde and Bebel, among the 
 present day Socialists, are all more or less 
 avowed atheists; and what is true of the more 
 notable men of the party, is equally true of the 
 rank and file the world over." "The Nation of 
 Fatherless Children," by David Goldstein, has 
 over sixty pages filled with quotations from all 
 sorts and sizes of Socialist official organs, on both
 
 130 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 sides of the Atlantic, of bitter and violent ut- 
 terances against God and the church. Sounds 
 exactly like the resurrected voice of the French 
 Revolution; and, if Socialism gains sufficient 
 adherents, it will end in a like saturnalia of 
 butchery and bloodshed. It will sound the death 
 knell of human progress the day it marshals an 
 army strong enough to control. When it has 
 ruled ten years, civilization in the place where it 
 ruled, will have to begin over again. It will have 
 perished. 
 
 I said to you in these talks, several times, 
 Mike, that Socialist stump spouters never dis- 
 cuss the inner doctrine of the cult before mixed 
 audiences, in halls, or on the streets. Some 
 things are taught only to the initiated. Now, as 
 it is right in line, I will show you just why that 
 is: In the "World To-day," July number of 
 1908, there is an editorial bearing directly on 
 the point. The editorial was called out by the 
 report of the action taken in the National 
 Socialist convention on the subject of religion. 
 Listen to it: "The relation of Socialism and 
 Christianity unexpectedly came to the front in 
 the meeting of the convention of Socialists which 
 nominated Debs for President. The religious 
 attitude of Socialism, as viewed by most of its 
 leaders, can no longer be disguised. Socialists
 
 THE UNDER PUP 131 
 
 are materialists and agnostics. At least, Morris 
 Hillquitt expressly stated that ninety-nine per 
 cent of Socialists took that position. The con- 
 vention adopted a plank to the effect that it was 
 not concerned with religious beliefs, but this 
 plank was after all stated to be a mere expedient 
 until the time came for a campaign of Material- 
 ism. Mr. Hillquitt's exact words, as reported by 
 the 'Daily Socialist/ are as follows : 'We should 
 not go out in our propaganda among the people 
 who are still groping in obscurity and tell them 
 that they first must become materialists before 
 they can become members of the Socialist party. 
 After we have disposed of the things that affect 
 their material welfare it will be time to approach 
 them with the full consequences of the Socialist 
 philosophy.' ' 
 
 There you have it, Mike, flat-footed and to 
 the point. Men who are not Socialists must not 
 be approached with the "Full consequences of 
 Socialist philosophy" which is agnosticism, 
 atheism, materialism, eternal and everlasting op- 
 position to Christianity and the Christian church. 
 That part of Socialism, though essential and 
 fundamental, is not to be taught openly to the 
 "people groping in darkness." Socialism is the 
 uncompromising foe of the church. To preach 
 it at all times, openly and above board, would
 
 132 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 be the sounding of its own death knell. Hillquitt 
 knows this, and gave expression to the under- 
 stood, and concocted plan of the Socialist leaders, 
 on the proper methods of socialistic propaganda 
 the world over, at that convention. "Propa- 
 gandists," which means the spellbinder and street 
 corner windjammer tribe, such as we heard in 
 Denver, are to keep still as mice on religion, 
 deny that Socialism is against religion, if neces- 
 sary, to make converts, but let 'er fly on classism 
 and economics. They are to appeal to every 
 class of unfortunate and lopsided humanity 
 the indolent, the dissipated, the sentimental and 
 the envious, as against the frugal, the industri- 
 ous, the thrifty, and in short, every type of man 
 that has made life a success. They are to pop 
 it good and hard to such men as Walter Case, 
 whose genius and industrial farsightedness have 
 built up the great industries of the country, and 
 who are aiding with work, and wages, and homes 
 the classes who cannot plan, and frame, and or- 
 ganize, and expand, and help themselves. They 
 are to appeal to the class prejudices, the cupidity, 
 and the ambition of the great unlearned and 
 uninformed mass of humanity, the down and out 
 at the heels class, till they can see only through 
 the green glasses of class hatred, nothing but 
 heartless iron handed capitalism organized
 
 THE UNDER PUP 133 
 
 molochs of plutocracy and greed whose sole 
 aim is to crush the masses into unending in- 
 dustrial and social bondage. In a country 
 where there is no class issue, they are to sys- 
 tematically arouse a "class conscious" spirit. 
 That done, they enlarge on the political corrup- 
 tions of the day, present a crazy-patch system 
 of economics as fantastic and ring-streaked and 
 striped as Jacob's cattle, as a solution of all in- 
 dustrial and social ills. They picture it as at- 
 tractive, and seductive as a summer's dream, and 
 as easy of accomplishment as swinging in a 
 hammock ; insist that the system once established 
 everybody will be rich angel's food, diamonds, 
 gilded palaces, silks, satins, automobiles and all 
 splendor will be as plentiful among the "com- 
 rades" as goose pimples on the neck of a hobo; 
 and poverty as absent as brimstone in a Unitarian 
 catechism. The "wage slaves" of today will be 
 so rich and happy, so fat and comfortable, so 
 contented and healthy under Socialism that sin 
 and crime and selfishness will scoot and scat like 
 bats and serpents into the crevices and darkness 
 of the world beneath. Prisons and punishment, 
 lawsuits and crime, care and trouble, all laws of 
 repression, and all government over men will be 
 pulled up by the roots and knocked into ever- 
 lasting smithereens. This world will be one long
 
 134 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 yum-yum of gladness, and life a long abounding 
 heyday of peace. 
 
 When you read Socialist papers, you find in 
 one issue a statement that Socialism is not op- 
 posed to religion. In another issue of the same 
 paper will be some nasty fling at the church, and 
 the clergy, as aiders and abettors pliant tools 
 of capitalism. You will also find in the advertis- 
 ing section the Socialist standard works recom- 
 mended as clear, full and exhaustive expositions 
 of scientific international Socialism and these 
 works from Herron and Spargo to Bax, 
 Bebel, Vandervelde, Feri, Engles and Marx, 
 forcibly proclaim that Socialism is irrevocably 
 opposed to the Capitalistic State, the monogamic 
 family, the Christian religion, and all civil laws, 
 penalties and courts. If any one of them does 
 not chime with the others it is because he happens 
 to not mention that particular phase of the sub- 
 ject. All Socialists agree that the existing State 
 is the creature of the existing system of econom- 
 ics, that religion and the monogamic family are 
 the aiders of the state. This is constantly heard 
 in their talk and read in their papers. The in- 
 spiration comes from their standard authors who 
 plainly insist that when the economic system, 
 which is responsible for the state, the family and 
 the church, falls under the hammer of Socialism,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 135 
 
 they must, every single one, fall with it. By that 
 time all Socialist voters will have "Socialist 
 minds" and will be ready to see that the mono- 
 gamic family, the church, and the state, with all 
 their laws and auxiliary institutions, must go, or 
 Socialism cannot exist. But, for the present, it 
 is not to be preached openly, as "men in dark- 
 ness" could not understand it and would be 
 driven away by it. The teaching now is more 
 directly against "capitalism," against the Re- 
 publican, against the Democratic party, and 
 against private ownership. Propagandists teach, 
 with all their standard authors, that with private 
 ownership out of the way, every man will have 
 all he creates. And with James Leatham, that 
 under capitalism, "Every millionaire is a crimi- 
 nal, every man who amasses a hundred thousand 
 dollars is a criminal; every president of a com- 
 pany with nominal duties, if his salary is but 
 one thousand dollars is a criminal; every man 
 who loans one hundred dollars and expects one 
 hundred and six in return is a criminal." 
 
 It is a rabble-inspiring cry based on class hate, 
 and inordinate greed. "Take it from the other 
 fellow and give it to us. He is a thief and didn't 
 earn it. He gobbled it from us. We'll gobble 
 it from him. We are right. He is wrong." 
 You see, Mike, the aim is to get a fellow so dis-
 
 136 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 satisfied over the condition that is, and so full of 
 pipe dreams, as to what Socialism, with its co- 
 operative ownership may be able to do, that he 
 will begin to think the only way out of in- 
 dustrial and eternal bondage is to vote the 
 Socialist ticket. They put almost everything in 
 their platform that is of a constitutional nature 
 in reform, preach to the popular prejudices of 
 the masses, against every evil that is not 
 Socialism, and keep silent on, or deny all the 
 fundamental essentials of socialistic philosophy. 
 The sole purpose is to stir up dissatisfaction with 
 existing conditions. Then any old thing will go 
 down the hearer's throat. You can see how this 
 plan of propagation is the right thing to en- 
 tangle men unawares; how that Socialists are 
 wise, in revealing the "full consequences of their 
 philosophy," only, by degrees and inches, to the 
 rank and file. The entire scheme, administered 
 at a single dose, would paralyze a respectable 
 law and order loving dog, and gag a hobo with 
 the conscience of a goat. But the dreamer and 
 the derelict can be held, when carried into the 
 cult an inch at a time. It is attractive bait for 
 boobs. 
 
 But Socialism, scientific and international, is 
 the enemy of religion, and has, as its ultimate 
 and settled aim, the overthrow of the church.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 137 
 
 It is the system of envy and despair. It is based 
 on cupidity and greed. It is the foe of individual 
 initiative, individual thrift and individual hope. 
 All is to be resolved into an orderless, lawless, 
 irresponsible, Godless mass, with brutal passions, 
 and animal instincts unchained. Their papers 
 and agitators deny it in debate, but their stand- 
 ard authorities books which they all recommend 
 and circulate insist on it, and teach it as an 
 essential feature of the faith the "constitutional 
 ground work" of the cult. 
 
 Mike, you are only a dog, but you can see 
 how the thing is all interwoven together, to catch 
 and enlist men, one degree after another, like it 
 was with me in breaking down moral habits. 
 First, just a drop into the saloon with the boys, 
 for a little chat and, maybe a drink. Then later, 
 the stuff itself, and its effect, got the upper hand, 
 and it was drop into the saloon for a drink and 
 a chat with the boys and later, to drop in for 
 the drink alone. Then degree by degree, like 
 joining the lodge, it was drink, thirst, drink, 
 half drunk, whole drunk, and dead gone to love 
 of home, family, religion, all sense of decency 
 and sobriety, and just a ragged hanger on; then 
 last, but not least, the natural and normal hobo, 
 and associate of hoboes. When you get to going 
 down hill once, Mike, it is hard to stop. Social-
 
 138 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ism, like gin, works mostly on your appetite 
 appeals to the stomach. 
 
 Socialism begins its appeals by innuendoes 
 against the bugaboo of plutocracy and capital- 
 ism. Then it insists that the summum bonum of 
 life is to get wealth and fine things, and all you 
 earn. Then comes the full pledge, and step by 
 step the whole scheme is unfolded and the fly is 
 in the net. 
 
 A man comes to see that as long as govern- 
 ment, and laws, and penalties, and individual 
 homes, and personal property, and the moral 
 code of the church and religion, with conscious 
 existence after death, including necessary re- 
 wards and punishment are accepted, scientific 
 Socialism is utterly impossible. Drunk on the 
 desire to be an equal co-owner in all the wealth 
 of the earth, and to splurge with the highest high 
 flyers in the realm, he is easily controlled by the 
 leaders, and becomes a soft mark for the whole 
 brood of socialistic heresies. I am not much of 
 a Christian myself, Mike, as you know, but I 
 say to you honestly, if those who are Christians, 
 and who know what religion has done for civiliza- 
 tion, don't wake up and get busy with this 
 cantankerous, economic polecat, and pull, the 
 reign of real Democracy, in this country, as it 
 can be made in practice, by unloading cheap
 
 THE UNDER PUP 139 
 
 politicians and corporation gangsters; and by 
 electing honest men and statesmen to office, they 
 will wake up one of these fine mornings, to find 
 that arguments, and the sensible reforms our 
 government will stand, will not avail. Socialism, 
 the wild political dervish of the earth, will be 
 "backing its votes with its bullets" and pande- 
 monium will tear loose. Now is the time to 
 wake up. Now is the time when something can 
 be done ; when education will do its perfect work. 
 Education now will be the proverbial "stitch in 
 time." 
 
 But, Mike, you and I are not in the game. 
 We are free lances, with little to lose, either way, 
 except two worthless lives. So let's shut up shop 
 for the night, quit worrying and go to bed. If 
 society and the church will giggle and dance, and 
 sing and feast, with their eyes shut till danger 
 knocks in the door, and revolution darkens the 
 sky, and women and children go down in the 
 avalanche of debauchery and death, we are not 
 to blame. As Cain said to God about Abel, 
 we, you and I, dog and hobo, are not our 
 brother's keeper. Maybe not. But one thing 
 more. If these charges against Socialism were 
 openly made, every Socialist paper in the land 
 would deny them in toto. Yet every one of 
 their editorial writers knows they are true.
 
 140 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Their standard books all teach that Socialism is 
 against the government, against the Christian 
 religion, against monogamic marriage, against 
 restrictive laws and against the home, of one 
 wife, one husband, and children in it one or 
 many. Outside of these things as doctrines, in- 
 ternational Socialism as a distinct cult, is dead 
 and buried. One thing is dead sure. No Socialist 
 is fool enough to go on the platform, and debate 
 it with a man who has read the writings of their 
 standard authorities and knows what they teach. 
 If lecturers, teachers, preachers, editors, and all 
 classes of patriotic men would only read, and 
 publish to the world, what Socialist authors say 
 is Socialism, the entire propaganda in America 
 will go to the wall as a flat failure inside of one 
 year. Teach real Socialism openly and fully, 
 and it will kill itself. The best antidote for 
 Socialism is to preach Socialism as it is.
 
 TALK EIGHT 
 
 MIKE, if you could talk, and were to ask me 
 to define Socialism, I would insist that it is a 
 microbe. It attacks the mind of a man as the 
 mange does the epidermis of a dog. And the 
 longer it bites the larger it grows, and the deeper 
 it bores, till at last, it entirely "Gets your goat," 
 and absorbs your entire being. It first makes a 
 knocker out of a man on general principles. 
 It then so obscures his vision that he can see 
 nothing in the economic world, save the hideous 
 spectre, capitalism. 
 
 At that point, the victim begins to have brain 
 storms. "The earth was made for all," is the 
 foundation statement of his faith. That is soon 
 enlarged to "The earth and the fullness thereof." 
 Then, in his diseased mental condition, he 
 imagines that "the fullness thereof," belongs to 
 everybody alike, no difference who did the 
 "filling." He gauges all muscle at the same in- 
 trinsic value, regardless of the quality of brains 
 behind it. 
 
 If Jones, or Smith, or Brown, reclaims a spot 
 of the earth, brings it up to a high state of cul- 
 tivation, occupies it, and by thrift and foresight, 
 lays up a fortune in money and credits, your 
 
 141
 
 142 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 socialist-possessed insists that he is a plutocrat 
 and a thief that land, money, credit and all, 
 still belong to everybody, and justice never will 
 be done till a "Co-operative Commonwealth" is 
 established, the usurper dispossessed, and all is 
 appropriated and turned over to the public, 
 making Jones, Smith or Brown, as poor as 
 everybody else. You see "class" poverty is to 
 be destroyed by making everybody poor mak- 
 ing poverty universal. Under Socialism all any 
 man is to get is a living. Just that and no more. 
 The third and incurable stage is, when the vic- 
 tim of the disease begins to slide down the cellar 
 stairs of history. He then sees the extreme hap- 
 pified condition of the world, when men were 
 nomads and barbarians; when nobody was boss 
 because "nobody" was as strong as everybody; 
 when fig leaves were worn on society's arrival, 
 and nothing on its departure ; when the marriage 
 ceremony was the crack of a club over the noodle 
 of the bride, and cold snail marmalade and smok- 
 ing dog soup, the rare delicacies, served in 
 modest undress, at the nuptial feast; when all 
 human existence, like side meat from a wind- 
 splitter hog, had just two streaks one fat, one 
 lean, and the lean one was rank, salty, and three 
 times the thicker. When there was no law, no 
 religion, no restraint, and every one did "as he 
 pleased."
 
 THE UNDER PUP 143 
 
 He traces, step by step, the history of the 
 race, till men began to organize for protection, 
 lived in huts and dugouts, made robes and blank- 
 ets, and began to salaam and smile, and shake 
 hands with each other when they met in the 
 morning. Then he sees where some ancient John 
 D. Rockefeller began to exercise his gray mat- 
 ter, increase his herds and kill meat for the 
 winter; and right there and then, he discovers 
 capitalism, gets mad, and goes straight up in 
 the air. 
 
 From that on, he finds it easy sailing. Every 
 time he finds men, who, by industry and thrift, 
 frugality and parental love, and with brains 
 enough to save up for a rainy day, he imagines 
 he has found a capitalistic monster whose sole 
 aim in life, was to rob the rest of mankind, and 
 reduce them to everlasting poverty and depend- 
 ence. He insists that governments were founded 
 by capitalistic highbinders for the sole purpose 
 of enriching the few at the expense of the many. 
 
 He insists that when men who were not capi- 
 talists became dissatisfied with their condition, 
 religion was invented to make them tame and 
 submissive; that ghosts and goblins, raw head 
 and bloody bones, hell fire and endless damna- 
 tion, were thrown on the screen to make skimmed 
 milk palatable on earth, while the felicities of
 
 144 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 heaven were invented to cultivate the patience 
 and appetite of the poor, for cream and golden 
 robes beyond the skies. 
 
 Then, just at that moment, all the blasphemies 
 against religion and the church, which Goldstein 
 has copied in his book, "The Nation of Father- 
 less Children" sixty-seven pages in all escapes 
 his lips and becomes, in such men as Marx, 
 Engles, Bax, Spargo, Herron and the rest of 
 the brood, an inveterate church hater, a rank 
 materialist, and an all-around agnostic. By this 
 time he has it so irrevocably bad that there is no 
 reason in him, and no stop to him, in downward 
 plunge. He sees spooks in the entire existing 
 order of things, in every corner and cranny all 
 around the edges and in the middle. Every time 
 he hears of some man like Walter Case making 
 one hundred thousand dollars while he is kept 
 poor no difference what the cause his hair 
 goes straight up on end. 
 
 All government, all laws, all courts, all moral 
 precepts, all private ownerships and all religion, 
 look alike to him, and the color is always black, 
 and starless as eternal night. Everything was 
 invented by capitalism to keep the poor man 
 poor. He even insists that monogamic marriage 
 (the union of one man and one woman for life) 
 was invented, and has been perpetuated, to bol-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 145 
 
 ster capitalism, and strengthen the power of 
 predatory wealth. And finally, Mike, he adopts, 
 as one of the cardinal doctrines of scientific so- 
 cialism, that law, which has always been in force 
 among your species. Marriage for life, as be- 
 tween one man and one woman as a fixed insti- 
 tution, must be done away. You needn't growl, 
 old chap, that's straight goods. 
 
 You know, Mike, that our present govern- 
 mental system, as well as Christianity and the 
 church, teaches that a man is bound by the mar- 
 riage tie. Bebel, as a Socialist leader, declares 
 that, "Man should be free to dispose of the 
 strongest instinct of his nature as of every other 
 natural instinct." 
 
 Edward Carpenter, another Socialist author- 
 ity, says, "Let woman insist on her right to 
 speak, dress, think, act, and above all, to use 
 her sex as she deems best; let her face the scorn 
 and the ridicule; let her lose her own life if she 
 likes." (Of course, Mike, Carpenter is not a 
 woman. He is just a free lover and talk is 
 cheap.) 
 
 Frederick Engles, another Socialist authority, 
 puts it this way: 
 
 "Three great obstacles block the path of social 
 reform private property, religion and the pres- 
 ent form of marriage." (Next to Marx, Engles 
 
 10
 
 146 THE UKDER PUP 
 
 ranks as one of the ablest leaders Socialism has 
 ever produced. When he stands up the rank and 
 file worship.) 
 
 Morris and Bax in Socialism, Its Growth and 
 Outcome, pages 299-300, declare: 
 
 "Thus a new development of the family would 
 take place on the basis, not of a predetermined 
 life-long business arrangement, to be formally 
 and nominally held to, irrespective of circum- 
 stances, but on mutual inclination and affection, 
 an association terminable at the will of either 
 party." 
 
 In other words, the relation of the sexes is to 
 be under Socialism not one of legal marriage, 
 but one of lust. Bax is one of the strongest and 
 nastiest of all Socialist writers. 
 
 Marx and Engles, in the Communist Mani- 
 festo, say: 
 
 "It is self-evident that the abolition of the 
 present system of production must bring with it 
 the abolition of the community of women pres- 
 ent marriage springing from the system of 
 prostitution, both public and private." 
 
 This is from the fountain head, Mike. It has 
 authority bristling all over it. Marx's daughter 
 tried the Socialist marriage idea with Averling. 
 In the end it broke her heart. 
 
 Another chap by the name of Ferri, has his 
 say on the subject in this strain:
 
 THE UNDER PUP 147 
 
 "The monogamic marriage hides beneath its 
 pall of forgetfulness, the tortures of hunger and 
 servile labor, and permanently enervates the 
 energy of the individual, and to this extent per- 
 forms a function to the ruling class." 
 
 Engles says, in the Origin of the Family: 
 
 "Monogamy was caused by economic (food) 
 conditions. With the transformation of the 
 means of production into collective property, the 
 monogamic family ceases to be the economic unit 
 of society. The private household becomes a 
 social industry. Care and education of the 
 children become a public matter. Society 
 (Socialist) cares equally for all children legal or 
 illegal. When the children are deprived of in- 
 heritance and are thrown upon the public, the 
 woman becomes free." 
 
 Ask my child, "Who is your father?" She 
 points to me. Under Socialism ask a boy, "Who 
 is your father?" The reply will be an interroga- 
 tion point. 
 
 Oscar Wild, in Welshires Magazine, June, 
 1902, wrote: 
 
 "Socialism anihilates the family. * 
 With the abolition of private property, marriage, 
 in its present form, must disappear." 
 
 Hyndman, in the Historical Basis of Social- 
 ism, page 452, says:
 
 148 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 "Thus the breaking down and building up go 
 on slowly together, and new forms arise to dis- 
 place the old. It is the same with the family. 
 That in the German- Christian sense of marriage 
 for life and responsibility of the parents for the 
 children born in wedlock, is almost at an end 
 now and must result in a widely extended 
 communism." 
 
 George D. Herron, in The Coming Nation, 
 March 28, 1903, writes: 
 
 "If it is free land we are after, or free re- 
 ligion, or a free family, or a wholly free society, 
 we shall find it on the other side of Socialism, 
 or along the socialistic way." 
 
 (George D. ought to know. He has done his 
 part towards doing away with the unsocialized 
 marriage as far as the law under capitalism will 
 allow. ) 
 
 Edward Carpenter, in Love's Coming Age, 
 published in Chicago, 1903, page 62, says: 
 
 "Let every woman whose heart bleeds for the 
 sufferings of her sex hasten to declare herself, 
 and to constitute herself as far as she possibly 
 can, a free woman. Let her accept the term with 
 all the odium that belongs to it ; let her insist on 
 her right to speak, dress, think, act, and above 
 all, to use her sex, as she deems best ; let her face 
 the scorn and the ridicule; let her lose her own
 
 THE UNDER PUP 149 
 
 life if she likes; assured that only so can come 
 deliverance, and that only when the woman is 
 honored will the prostitute cease to exist." 
 
 ( The plain English of this is when all women 
 become promiscuous in their sex relations, pros- 
 titution will cease and so will decency.) 
 
 Now, Mike, I could read just such declara- 
 tions as these from standard Socialist works for 
 an hour. But what is the use? Many of them 
 are absolutely indecent; others are such as you 
 might expect from the foul pen of moral per- 
 verts of diseased minds. And all of them in- 
 sist they are explaining the principles of Social- 
 ism. These are enough to convince man or dog, 
 that Socialism is as insane and lawless, and as 
 near like apes and monkeys on the marriage 
 question, as it is on property ownership, on law, 
 on order, on government and on religion. 
 
 Socialists have no place in their philosophy for 
 the private ownership of property. Most of 
 them have no property themselves and insist on 
 confiscating and appropriating to public use 
 what the other fellows have. They have no place 
 for religion. Sure, Mike, men who expect to 
 "back their ballots with their bullets" and in- 
 augurate a "bloody revolution" to capture the 
 "tools" government ; and when that is done, to 
 go further, and confiscate private property, turn
 
 150 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 it over for public use, naturally want to wipe 
 religion off of the map. Hell would be a mighty 
 objectionable and spooky thing to leave lying 
 around in sight of such a gang as that. 
 
 They have no room for the life-long union of 
 one man and one woman. They are not in favor 
 of a "double standard of morals." So, to obviate 
 the necessity of masculine reform, family trouble, 
 marriage fees and divorce wrangles, they kick 
 the moral code of civilization clean out of exist- 
 ence, and base the union of the sexes on sex fond- 
 ness on lust. And such union can last for a 
 day, a week, a month, a year, and be terminated 
 at the "will of either party." The "Common- 
 wealth," whether it embraces America only, or 
 the whole wide world, will be just one vast "red 
 light" district. And the gallant Chesterfield and 
 Boney Bruiser, who both love the same "maiden 
 fair" at one and the same time, will have to fight 
 it out, while the meek-eyed Flora McFlimsey, 
 or swan-necked Belva Dora Drabbeltail looks, 
 on, giggles and claps her hands as the best man 
 wins. Children! How about them, Mike? 
 They will be wards of the public children of 
 the "state" herded like young goats never 
 know a father's care nor a mother's love, and 
 more like as not, be fed, fondled and kicked 
 about like young pups. It is an attractive pic- 
 ture, Mike, for derelicts and old rakes.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 151 
 
 There is not a red light district on the face of 
 the earth that would not joyously shake the 
 beneficent paw of "Scientific Socialism" with 
 both hands. Its announced philosophy comes, 
 as a beacon of hope, to lost souls on the dead sea 
 of despair. 
 
 There is not a moral degenerate, nor a sex per- 
 vert, this side of the moon who would not gravi- 
 tate to citizenship in a "Commonwealth" of that 
 character as mongrel scales of steel to a magnet. 
 Socialism will wipe out prostitution by destroy- 
 ing the family, and bringing all women down to 
 the level of prostitutes. Legalized marriages? 
 No. Family relations? No. Free love? Yes. 
 Moral code? Yes. Where from? Baboonville. 
 Dog town. 
 
 Every civilized woman with a refined sense of 
 decency and self-respect, thoroughly informed 
 as to the spirit and genius of Socialism, would 
 face death a thousand times, rather than a life 
 commitment to the environment of a lecherous 
 and degrading commonwealth like that. 
 
 Do you wonder now, Mike, dog as you are, 
 why the average American working man, when 
 he understands its rotten philosophy, shuns 
 Socialism? Why he never reads its literature 
 nor votes its ticket? Why the street corner 
 Socialist spellbinder so seldom catches his ear?
 
 152 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Why with John Mitchell he refers to it as a lapse 
 into barbarism? 
 
 Well, old man, the principle reasons are, that 
 the industrious, wide-awake, high-class laboring 
 man of this country, and all countries, for that 
 matter, is in the main, several pretty substantial 
 things. 
 
 First of all, while he may not be a high school 
 or college graduate, he carries considerable 
 healthy grey matter under his hat, and is usually 
 both moral and decent. 
 
 Then, too, he usually has a wife and baby, 
 tucked away somewhere in a neat, vine-clad cot- 
 tage, backed by a garden and flowers, or, if not 
 a wife and babies, he has a motherly old mother 
 and sweetheart sisters as an inspiration and 
 comfort entitled to his love and care. 
 
 He built that home with the sweat of his brow. 
 He knows to a farthing, what it cost, and holds 
 it as the apple of his eye. It is his castle, and 
 in it is his heart's best love. Kisses and caresses, 
 the patter of little feet, baby prattle and a good 
 wife's cheer, a mother's love and a sister's con- 
 fidence, make it the one sacred spot that com- 
 mands his pride, his worshipful adoration, and 
 if need be, his heart's last red drop of blood. 
 
 He knows, when he understands its teachings, 
 that the covetous eye of Socialism is on that
 
 THE UNDER PUP 153 
 
 home. That it is impatiently biding the time 
 when strong enough, it can capture the govern- 
 ment, and through the semblance of legality, rob 
 him of it and turn his children over to the tender 
 mercies of the public herding master. 
 
 He has been accepting the insane ravings of 
 Socialist pikers in the main, as the irresponsible 
 yawp of croaking crones, and chuckling over it 
 as the natural "effervesce" of political irresponsi- 
 bles. But the election of Victor L. Berger from 
 the Milwaukee- Wisconsin District to the United 
 States Congress, has at once made Socialism a 
 national issue, and the hour hand of the clock is 
 now at the exact spot where the patriotic Amer- 
 ican citizen "Should sit up and take notice." 
 
 When he does, he will find strange things are 
 likely to happen. He will find, to his profound 
 surprise, Mike, that Socialism is neither as weak, 
 nor as innocent, as it looks ; that it is not a polit- 
 ical party seeking reforms under the government 
 along constitutional lines, but is, in fact and in- 
 tent, a foreign, transplanted, revolutionary force, 
 a vagrant animal with sinister mien. He will 
 learn, if he will read Socialist standard publica- 
 tions, that in Europe its aim is to destroy thrones, 
 and in America, to undermine the constitution. 
 That at all times and all places its object is to 
 found on the ruins of the destroyed government
 
 154 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 an entire new order, euphemistically called an 
 "Industrial Commonwealth," in which all the 
 barbarous vagaries, and crime-breeding nonsense, 
 we have been quoting from their books, are to be 
 incorporated as the constitutional elements of 
 a "beneficent" and "idealistic civilization." He 
 will see that it will be, not a civilization at all, 
 but a lawless pit of anarchy. 
 
 He will see that everything man holds sacred, 
 from God and the church, to the marriage vow 
 and family ties, are thrown to the wild winds of 
 mere whim and passion. He may go into a heart 
 to heart talk with the most renowned Socialist 
 leaders the men who mould Socialist opinions; 
 who dominate its popular gatherings; and who 
 have authoritative voice in its official conven- 
 tions; and nineteen out of twenty of them, will 
 confidentially tell him, that they are in full ac- 
 cord with all that Marx, Engles, Babel, Bax, 
 Morris, Hillquitt, Herron, Vandervilde, Berger, 
 Ferri, Spargo and Fourier have written, as to 
 marriage, religion, confiscation of property, 
 forcible revolution, government, repressive laws 
 over men, free love and a community herding of 
 children. They may, if you are known to be re- 
 ligious yourself, or a public educator, try to 
 evade that phase of the question. The same is 
 true of the institution of marriage. But when
 
 THE UNDER PUP 155 
 
 driven to the wall on the subject, will admit that 
 their "private sympathies" are against the 
 church and as to marriage for life to one 
 woman, they will insist that while "roses are 
 beautiful" Socialism would not tie you up where 
 you could not occasionally also "pluck a tulip." 
 He will find further that our national pace has 
 been so swift, our industrial development so 
 rapid, and our money worship so abnormal, that, 
 like an over-worked, high-strung woman, we, as 
 a race, have reached that nervous condition in 
 which we view things from the standpoint of the 
 exaggerated and abnormal. That all worship 
 money alike, Socialists, as well as "capitalists." 
 So, Mike, there is more dissatisfaction in the 
 world than men think. Those who make money 
 fast, are dissat'sfied because they cannot invent 
 schemes to make it faster. Their greed is only 
 equaled by the size of their ambition. Those 
 whose environment, or lack of executive ability, 
 keeps them "hewers of wood and drawers of 
 water," become envious of the other class, and 
 so Socialism has found the world ready to listen 
 to any sort of wild-brained, money grabbing 
 scheme, that, in any way, promises rest and 
 plenty a long summer and a glorious autumn. 
 Its appeal to the cupidity of the poor is equaled 
 only by its villainous attacks on the rich.
 
 156 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 But, old man, the signs of the times are hope- 
 ful. A few more Bergers elected to Congress 
 and Socialism will attract enough attention to 
 command careful investigation of its doctrines 
 in full. Then, when all American workingmen 
 understand its philosophy of civilization ethical 
 and economic; when the great middle class com- 
 prehend its demands in full, then "look a little 
 out," for something is going to happen. The 
 spoilsman, the financial buccaneer, the corpora- 
 tion lackey in public office, and the robbing horde 
 of lesser lights will be stripped of power to plun- 
 der. Socialism, with its curly cue doctrines will be 
 driven into the sea of oblivion. An aroused 
 patriotism will take hold of the helm of state, and 
 our national Democracy will become in fact, as 
 it has been in theory, a "Government of the 
 people, for the people and by the people." 
 
 "Equal rights to all and special privileges to 
 none" will be the practical application of the 
 ideal in human government, that was in the 
 minds of our national founders when the govern- 
 ment was inaugurated. When the day fully 
 comes, and the first faint glow of the dawn is 
 even now seen above the rim of the East, it will 
 be found that our national Democracy embraces, 
 in its mechanism, a genius that will settle every 
 economic and social ill of today, and do it along
 
 THE UNDER PUP 157 
 
 constitutional lines most thoroughly, satisfac- 
 torily and effectively. We will not need to tear 
 down and destroy, that we may build anew. We 
 will just put on our working clothes, Mike, go 
 at it, fumigate and clean up the premises. And 
 the first rubbish that will be swept up will be 
 Socialism. And the way we will beautify its 
 mug will show a proper knowledge of political, 
 artistic decoration. 
 
 What is needed now is to place honest men in 
 office. ( The country is full of them. ) And take 
 the agents and tools of predatory wealth out. 
 This is being done. It will make "hard times" 
 no doubt, but the longer we wait the harder the 
 times when it is done. The constitution will 
 stand the needed changes to bring about a more 
 equalized distribution of wealth; and it will also 
 stand the needed changes in our social and in- 
 dustrial condition, by which the chronic hunters 
 for work will be turned in the direction where 
 they will find it, and be made to support their 
 families, instead of turning them over to starva- 
 tion and the charities of the town. The worthy 
 poor now are numerous enough, God knows, but 
 not nearly so numerous, in fact, as they appear to 
 be under the "scare heads" of the crack-brained 
 agitator the man who, too often, makes his own 
 living off of the contributions of the poor, instead 
 of by legitimate and honest toil.
 
 TALK NINE 
 
 THERE is one thing we have learned during 
 these long winter evenings, Mike, that every 
 patriotic American citizen should know, and 
 knowing, should be slow to forget. This is, that 
 Socialism is the same in every country of the 
 globe, and seeks the same end, and to accomplish 
 it, proposes using the same means. It is not 
 national and local. It is international and uni- 
 versal. It means to combine all nations into one. 
 
 Here and there are a few men, who, from both 
 nature and training, cannot swallow all the 
 nauseous dose of ethical and economic balder- 
 dash dished up by Marx, Engles, Bax, et al., and 
 so announce themselves as "Christian Socialists." 
 But they are so few and far between, and exert 
 so little influence as moulders of purpose, in the 
 general movement, that they are not to be taken 
 into account. They are a negligible quantity. 
 
 Whatever of influence they might exert in cor- 
 recting the criminal tendencies of "Scientific 
 Socialism" is lost in the very significant fact that 
 they all work and vote for the one general ticket 
 and that is always of the Marxian scientific 
 variety. To vote the ticket means an unqualified 
 practical endorsement of all the errors the party 
 
 158
 
 THE UNDER PUP 159 
 
 stands for. You may "spit on the platform" as 
 a protest, but it is the voting that does the count- 
 ing in the general round up. 
 
 Scientific Socialism is inherently radical, and 
 fundamentally revolutionary, both in theory and 
 fact. Its intent and purpose can be nothing 
 else. Its aim is to first gain control, and after- 
 wards overthrow the government. That is what 
 Socialists mean when they talk about "getting 
 hold of the tools," before they can accomplish 
 their purpose. "Tools," with them, means the 
 official control of all governmental functions 
 at least a majority of its legislative and executive 
 offices. These they seek to capture in one of two 
 ways by votes if possible, by forcible revolution 
 if necessary. 
 
 It was to the end, that votes to suit Socialists 
 come too slow, that Victor L. Berger, the re- 
 cently elected congressman from Milwaukee, 
 said in a signed editorial in the Milwaukee Social 
 Democratic Herald of July 31, 1909: 
 
 "No one will claim that I am given to reciting 
 of 'revolutionary' phrases, on the contrary, I 
 am known to be a 'constructive' Socialist. How- 
 ever, in view of the plutocratic law-making of 
 the present day, it is easy to predict that the 
 safety and hope of this country will finally lie 
 on one direction only that of violent and bloody 
 revolution.
 
 160 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 "Therefore, I say, each of the 500,000 Socialist 
 voters, and of the two million working men who 
 instinctively incline our way, should, besides do- 
 ing much reading and still more thinking, also 
 have a good rifle and the necessary rounds of 
 ammunition in his home and be prepared to back 
 up his ballot with his bullets if necessary. 
 
 "This may look like a startling statement. 
 Yet I can see nothing else for the American 
 masses today. The working class of this country 
 is being pushed hopelessly downward. We 
 must resist as long as resistance is possible." 
 
 That is not only revolutionary it is treason- 
 able and being both revolutionary and treason- 
 able, it is distinctively socialistic. Berger is a 
 Socialist, openly, unequivocally, and one of its 
 acknowledged leaders. As such he is committed 
 to all that Socialism teaches the confiscation of 
 property, the destruction of Republics, the over- 
 throw of kingdoms and empires, that Socialism, 
 a new idea in human government, may be es- 
 tablished in their stead. That being true, Mike, 
 how could Berger, on taking his seat in Con- 
 gress, take the required oath to support the con- 
 stitution of the United States, without violat- 
 ing his socialistic pledge, or without being guilty 
 of perjury? If he did wiggle through the knot 
 hole without losing any warts or goose pimples,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 161 
 
 how could a congress, loyal to the constitution 
 of the United States, and the maintenance of a 
 Democratic form of government, allow him to 
 take his seat among its members unchallenged. 
 A full working majority of Socialist members in 
 both Congress and the Senate, backed by a 
 Socialist President, would proceed to undermine 
 the constitution, overthrow the government, con- 
 fiscate all the "means of production and distri- 
 bution," socialize property and usher in a "Co- 
 operative Commonwealth." "But the Supreme 
 Court would step in" you say. It would, would 
 it? That is the first animal they'd cage. Social- 
 ists do not believe in courts. If you deny that, 
 read their standard authors. Then you will not 
 just "believe," you will know and you will 
 shut up. What did Congress say when Berger 
 came to take his seat? They let him take the 
 oath without protest, no doubt viewing his break- 
 ing into Congress as a huge joke, as not one of 
 them in fifty has the least idea as to the traitorous 
 nature of the entire Socialist program. They 
 have never read Socialist authors. But one 
 thing I am sure enough of to offer to bet you 
 "dollars to doughnuts," and that is, that as long 
 as Berger is a member of the House and faces 
 the big Missouri speaker, he will be much less 
 
 cantankerous on his "violent revolution" utter- 
 
 11
 
 162 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ances, and a bloomin' sight more mum about guns 
 and ammunition and the Socialist "backing his 
 ballot with his bullet" balder-dash, than he has 
 been in slinging treasonable editorial utterances 
 around among his class conscious Socialist con- 
 stituents in Milwaukee. Should he prove to be 
 a "hero" instead of the suspected blustering 
 wind jammer, and quasi political drum major, and 
 let out a few treasonable yawps on the floor of 
 the House like the one just quoted, there would 
 not be enough bone left in his political carcass, 
 inside of twenty-four hours, to make a single 
 artificial set of teeth large enough to fit the 
 mouth of a Kansas jigger. 
 
 Socialism is not only unfriendly to the consti- 
 tution, and inherently treasonable to the ma- 
 chinery of the government, but its purpose is 
 to abolish every safeguard created to maintain 
 our high standard of modern civilization. It is 
 an uncompromising enemy of the moral and doc- 
 trinal code of religion and the church, both as 
 to the here and hereafter. It is opposed to all 
 law over men, except one of individual impulse. 
 It seeks to destroy the family. Its purpose is 
 to remove the children from under the parental 
 roof from home and home influence, deprive 
 them of all family ties, inheritance of "family" 
 property and make them "wards of the public."
 
 THE UNDER PUP 163 
 
 It means to treat children as "things," "nation- 
 alize" them, instead of "familyize" them as now. 
 There is not a single thing in the existing order 
 from government to family, from courts to 
 prisons, from personal initiative to recognizing 
 the rights of private property ownership, from 
 locks on your smokehouse, to private vaults in 
 the bank, that the writings of Socialist authori- 
 ties do not anathematize direct or by implica- 
 tion. Hunt up the full Socialist library of 
 standard authors and see what it teaches, see 
 what it demands, see what is urges not one 
 book here and there, but the entire library. Read, 
 and take, not isolated statements, but the full 
 thread of their teachings. You will then be 
 where you cannot be fooled as to what Socialism 
 really is. You will find that it urges the public 
 confiscation of property of land, and the 
 "means of production." 
 
 It would destroy the rights of private prop- 
 erty. It would rob the poor man, and man of 
 small means, of his cottage, as well as the multi- 
 millionaire of his palace. They are "means of 
 production" rents, etc. 
 
 It would make all men equal by process of 
 law a thing centuries of civilization and re- 
 ligious culture of the highest type have been un- 
 able to do. It holds that all the elements of
 
 164 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 incipient selfishness and brutal instinct originate 
 in the gastronomic region, and that all base pas- 
 sions and low desires will just simply get up 
 and scat when the stomach is stuffed with an 
 abundance of wholesale food, socialistically 
 cooked. It holds that the "proletariat," and ho- 
 boes like Waggles, will change into princes of 
 cherubic nature, when dressed in the royal pur- 
 ple of socialistic manufacture, and made equal 
 owners in all the products of the earth. 
 
 It holds that the way to make men sober and 
 encourage sobriety and teetotalism, is to make 
 whiskey as free as water and as cheap as milk. 
 Make the stuff so free and cheap that they won't 
 want it at all. Wonderful logic; profound 
 philosophy; back-action morality. It is great, 
 Mike. Try it when you don't feel well. 
 
 It insists that about the meanest men on earth, 
 under "capitalism," are the "idle rich" the best 
 fed, the best housed and the best clothed. It 
 gets really red in the face when it talks about it. 
 
 It then turns square around and insists that 
 the sole way to make all the human race perfect 
 is for all to become Socialists, have all they can 
 eat and drink, all they want to wear, all a palace 
 of beauty to live in, and all rich as John D., by 
 becoming co-owners in all the wealth of the 
 earth. But all must be mind you stamped
 
 THE UNDER PUP 165 
 
 with the Marx-Herron-Berger brand or the "salt 
 has lost its savor." It is the brand, not the qual- 
 ity of the goods that is to turn the trick. 
 
 Now, Mike, since there is no warped logic 
 and no actual contradiction in this economic non- 
 sense, when you are once socialistically regener- 
 ated since it is the quintessence of all wisdom 
 because it is one of the real simon pure dis- 
 coveries of the cult, it must be swallowed without 
 a grain of salt. Nor must rank outsiders, like 
 you and me, question the practicability and 
 scientific accuracy of the thing, though it appears 
 to ordinary mortals, about as substantial as soup, 
 as clear as mud and as scientific as rank idiocy. 
 A man would be "bug house" to insist that a 
 mule cannot climb a tree, if he never saw one 
 try. So, how do we know what Socialism can 
 do, when it has never had a chance to turn itself 
 loose? How do we know but the very things 
 that have made rakes and villains out of men 
 under the "Reign of Capitalism," may be the 
 exact combination when socialistically blended, 
 that will make dimpled darlings and fluffy- 
 winged birds of paradise out of them under the 
 rule of "Socialism?" The difference under the 
 two systems of economics may, after all, lie in 
 the established method of cooking or gobbling 
 your grub. Now, Darius Green could not, and
 
 166 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 did not, succeed in inventing a flying machine 
 that would fly. The Wright brothers of Ohio, 
 could, and did. Perhaps, by putting on social- 
 istic eye glasses, and critically investigating the 
 problem of failure and success, from the scientific 
 Marxian standpoint, you will find that the reason 
 Green failed and the Wrights succeeded, was 
 because Darius mixed his flies and molasses, 
 while Orville and Wilbur took theirs straight. 
 
 When a boy I ate green apples and was sent 
 home howling with the colic. Jim Jeeter ate 
 more than I did, and from the same tree, frisked 
 like a lamb and cavorted like a colt. He ex- 
 plained, afterwards, that the reason they gave 
 me the cramps and made him feel so exuberantly 
 good, was because I didn't know how to tackle 
 them that I always began eating a green apple 
 at the wrong end. Who knows, Mike, but the 
 secret of the genial good fellowship, and moral 
 perfection of coming socialistic citizenship, will 
 be discovered in the way they will take their 
 toddy and wear their hats? 
 
 Under capitalistic rule, we always have been 
 rakishly careless of our drinking habits. We've 
 'just been satisfied with any old stuff, and always 
 idrank it from the top of the glass. Socialists, 
 after making it pure, and cheap, and plenty, and 
 as free as water, may have a different manner
 
 THE UNDER PUP 167 
 
 of walking up to the bar and gulping it down 
 perhaps they will sip it from the bottom of the 
 glass, instead of from the top, and thus get a 
 different, peaceful, moralizing effect from any- 
 thing heretofore known in bibulous experience. 
 There will, perhaps, be no fight in Socialist 
 apple jack. Just a hilarious, joyous, love pro- 
 ducing whang. 
 
 But this thing should not be passed over 
 lightly, Mike. It is a serious proposition and 
 requires the "seriousest" kind of consideration. 
 Here is the human race the top notch wrinkle 
 of creative efficiency, now thousands, and thous- 
 ands, and thousands of years old. It has been 
 practiced on by all the economic, moral experts, 
 and soul cure quacks, of all ages, and from the 
 socialistic standpoint, still looks rank, and acts 
 wicked. Just look what it really has come to, 
 and how vile and degenerate it actually is. It 
 has wickedly agreed to the following "horrific" 
 conditions : 
 
 It has agreed that, where one man and one 
 woman find they are congenial, and suited to 
 each other, and decide to live together and build 
 up a home, they must get married legally and 
 live for each other alone till they hit the divorce 
 court or the crack of doom. If they have 
 children, they can call them their own, be proud
 
 168 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 of, be comforted by, love, caress, educate and 
 protect them, and in the end, give them an in- 
 heritance and start them on the road to happiness 
 and success for themselves. If they, in turn, are 
 frugal and industrious, and make money, and lay 
 aside for their children, for a rainy day for old 
 age their thrift and their property rights are 
 to be commended and legally protected. If 
 others would take this from them by force or 
 stealth, governments, courts, laws, fines and 
 prisons have been established to restrain them 
 and punish them, and so, comes property rights 
 and repressive laws. Religion has been recog- 
 nized as embodying the elements essential to the 
 healthful needs of the human soul as the basic 
 inspiring element of the highest form of civiliza- 
 tion. It comforts the afflicted, consoles the dis- 
 tressed, gives peace to the dying and imparts 
 hope of heaven as the reward for wholesome and 
 virtuous living. It makes men honest and up- 
 right, brotherly and helpful, noble and clean. 
 It teaches that sickness and shame and disgrace 
 are the penalties attached to the transgression of 
 physical and moral law, and that future retri- 
 bution will be meted out for a life of wickedness 
 and disobedience to the laws of God, which in- 
 volve the higher laws of life. 
 
 It is awful, Mike, for a lazy man, who thinks
 
 THE UNDER PUP 169 
 
 it is his right to do as he pleases, to be arrested 
 and fined for vagrancy just because he don't 
 want to work; to be jailed for assault when he 
 gets mad and whips a man proper ; to be arrested 
 for theft because he is hungry and ragged, and 
 just takes what he wants from those who have 
 plenty ; to be hung for murder, and then, after he 
 is dead, be sent to hell yet. No wonder the 
 average scalawag turns to Socialism as more 
 congenial to his tastes, when he once learns what 
 it really teaches. 
 
 It has also been agreed among "capitalistic" 
 subjects that a man must be industrious, and use 
 his grey matter, if he would succeed in life; that 
 he must either work or go hungry. 
 
 Brain power and brain work always have been, 
 and always will be, recognized among men as 
 superior to mere physical strength and manual 
 labor. In this world there always has been more 
 beef than brains on tap. It has been an accepted 
 fact that no philosophy of life, and no system 
 of ethics, can be maintained without organization, 
 and no organization can be perpetuated without 
 established laws, penalties and rewards. Indi- 
 vidual initiative, has been conceded as essential 
 to national progress, and to the highest interests 
 of an advancing civilization. Human society al- 
 ways has accorded the highest honors to great
 
 170 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 leaders in all intellectual pursuits, to the men 
 who can do the most and do it best. It has given 
 a free hand of encouragement to the law of com- 
 petition. When men compete in any given field, 
 the highest efficiency is attained, and the best 
 results are secured through granting the right 
 of patent and the individual ownership of dis- 
 coveries to the inventor or discoverer ; more and 
 better labor-saving inventions have come to aid, 
 and lift the burdens of all classes, because of this 
 recognized right. Without individual initiative, 
 without free competition and individual reward, 
 it has been held that the existing high type of 
 inventive genius could not have been evolved. 
 It is one of the recognized laws of life, that 
 in all fields of activity the best man wins; that 
 to the winner belongs the prize; and that it is 
 criminal to refuse, to the more efficient, the 
 greater reward. To offer no reward for superior 
 attainment is to openly bid for industrial stag- 
 nation, while to offer the highest reward for the 
 greatest efficiency is to sound the keynote of 
 progress. In the latter event, natural selection 
 and the survival of the fittest, determine the rela-i 
 tive position of workers in their relation to the 
 various departments of industry also to the 
 question of wages. No purchaser not even a 
 Socialist will pay as much for a weak, and slow.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 171 
 
 horse, as he will for a strong, and fast one; nor 
 will he give as much for a non-productive farm 
 as for a productive one. Wage justice can only 
 be determined on the same basis. To pay weak, 
 and slow men, as high wages as strong men is to 
 place a premium on slow, inefficient work. 
 
 Vagrancy laws are being made more drastic 
 all the time, as a protection to society against 
 the indolent and worthless. The law of merit has 
 been established, to draw out of the mass the 
 mettle in them, to lift men higher than mere 
 "hewers of wood and drawers of water." 
 
 Wages are now the highest known in the his- 
 tory of human industry, and are gradually and 
 constantly on the increase. Men who are "un- 
 derlings" under the present system, society de- 
 clares, would be underlings under any system. 
 Most of them are such because of dissipated 
 habits, physical indolence, or mental incapacity 
 for a larger grasp of things. No civilization can 
 give a man capacity and efficiency, beyond the 
 limits of his mental organization; nor will it put 
 a dissolute man to do an upright man's job, nor 
 an indolent man to do an industrious jnan's 
 work, nor a careless man where care is required, 
 nor a drinking man where soberness is essential. 
 Nor will men, yet put an ignoramus where genius 
 is demanded, nor a wood chopper to do landscape
 
 172 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 gardening. By common consent, both the social 
 and economic law has been established, to the 
 effect that, if men will spend their time and 
 money in dissipation or idleness, they, and not 
 society, must be held responsible for the conse- 
 quent suffering and poverty they must endure. 
 The inequalities that now exist in the world, 
 are traceable, in the main, to one of four causes- 
 vagrant disposition, mental incapacity for ad- 
 vanced service positions, dissipated habits or the 
 uniform misfortunes to which all men are com- 
 mon heirs. 
 
 The larger number of society's dependents 
 today, by far, can trace their misfortunes to dis- 
 sipation, indolence or extravagance on their own 
 part, or on the part of those whom they would 
 not, or could not control, and on whom they were 
 dependent. 
 
 Now, Mike, all this, Socialism declares, is radi- 
 cally wrong; is vicious in nature, inhuman in fact 
 and despicable in practice. It insists that there 
 is a remedy for all human ills, all economic in- 
 equalities, all social abnormalities and all of 
 everything, in the nature of human misery, that 
 is the result of the social conditions of the time. 
 
 It insists that it has discovered the infallible 
 remedy, now has it on ice, and proposes to apply 
 it and drive it in with bandages and hot packs.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 173 
 
 All it asks is just one wide-open chance, and that 
 chance it proposes to take if it has to shoot 
 daylight out of most of us to get it. All you 
 have to do to know it is in dead earnest is to 
 take one squint at its phiz. 
 
 What is the remedy, Mike? More government 
 and more laws? Not if the "Court knows her- 
 self, and she thinks she does." 
 
 Socialism, as a mild starter, declares it will 
 overthrow the government and utterly destroy 
 both the law and the power that executes it. 
 Will it wipe out present inequalities in society? 
 It says it most certainly will. But how? By 
 uplifting the lower classes? Not on your jug 
 handle. It will confiscate the "Public means of 
 production," confiscate the private property of 
 the capitalistic classes, deny the right of private 
 ownership to the home-owning class and drag 
 everybody and everything down to its own level, 
 where not a soul will own a sou. It will be a 
 leveler from Levelville. Inequalities will be 
 wiped out, "Alle same, cows tail, down hill." 
 
 Will it do it by making happier and more 
 homesome homes ? Well, not that anybody knows 
 of. It proposes to destroy the institution of mar- 
 riage, destroy the legal marriage tie, herd all 
 human bipeds in Community houses, or some- 
 thing like that, and insists that legalized individ-
 
 174 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ual family life shall, a la Uncle Remus, "be no 
 mo'." Well then, is it going to heal the disease by 
 giving the world a new and more effective relig- 
 ion. Uh, uh, Mike. We never did have enough 
 religion to hurt anybody and what little we do 
 have is to be taken away, bag and baggage just 
 be allowed to die out. It proposes to wipe out the 
 gold paved streets of the "New Jerusalem" with 
 all other capitalistic institutions, turn the hose on 
 the fires of perdition, and give us the consoling 
 hope of finally being snuffed out like fire flies 
 a leap in the dark an eternal jamboree of for- 
 getfulness. 
 
 Will it make these ills depart by making men 
 more dependent on each other? "Not in the 
 Springtime, Gentle Annie." We are to be com- 
 mitted to Materialism as the "full consequence 
 of Socialist Philosophy," which teaches that the 
 mind is only a function of the brain, "The human 
 will is nothing but attraction, and man should 
 do whatever he likes." Like cuckoos, Mike, each 
 will travel alone. "Get out of the way here, I'm 
 strongest, and I'm coming I want it, and I'll 
 take it," will be the law. 
 
 Well, Horatio, what is this infallible panacea 
 that is to cure all human ills at one bump? 
 
 Why bless your ignorant, simple soul, Mike, 
 it is just grub plain, old-fashioned, country
 
 THE UNDER PUP 175 
 
 grub, a few glad rags of Socialistic purple and 
 fine linen for the human back, a bunk in the 
 Community house to snooze in, a pocketful of 
 Socialist time checks for tobacco and whiskey, 
 and the thing is "did." No use to trouble your 
 soul, reform and regeneration will come from 
 outside, and through the stomach. You are the 
 victim of physical forces. When they act you 
 will be good whether you want to or not. No 
 mourners' bench in the Socialist church. 
 
 Shades of satisfaction, Mike, what a glorious 
 revelation. What a royal soul-curing panacea. 
 A comrade gets chesty and wants to boss some- 
 body. What is to be done about it? Whip it 
 out of him? No, siree, just cram him with apple 
 dumplings and custard pie, and he will subside 
 at once. That will make him as "Meek as 
 Moses" and save the shedding of blood. Sup- 
 pose some old plute should become obstreperous 
 and insist on getting married, in a legal way, to 
 some one beautiful woman for the rest of his 
 natural life, own his own mansion, rear and 
 educate his own brood? Then what? Just stuff 
 him with a primary concoction or Carl Marxian 
 sauerkraut and wienerwurst. That will settle liis 
 aristocratic hash in two winks. But some fellow 
 may get politically ambitious and want to be the 
 chief squeeze of the Commonwealth. What is to
 
 176 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 be done with him? Now that is serious. What 
 is to be done with him? Why, give him a So- 
 cialistic cocktail, a fine suit of consecrated So- 
 cialistically woven broadcloth, a dish of straw- 
 berries and cream and every drop of ambitious 
 political sin will exhale in an hour, and he will 
 be the humblest "Comrade" of the international 
 bull pen for life. He will curl up and sleep it 
 off like a stuffed pup. 
 
 But now, suppose two ambitious young swains 
 should fall head over heels in love with some 
 sweet-faced Lulu, who could not decide which 
 she would choose for the time being, and get into 
 a regular Johnson- Jeffries fistic jamboree? How 
 about that? Why, just call the Community cook 
 to treat them to a pailful of Socialistic hot slop. 
 Instantly "There will be peace on the Poto- 
 mac," in the whole camp. And last of all, if 
 some foolish mother should insist on owning her 
 own children and bringing them up in the "fear 
 of the Lord," if she should demand that she 
 be allowed to live alone and keep her own house, 
 what could be done? Oh, just feed her for a 
 month or two on the sincere milk of Socialistic 
 materialism, and she'd be all right and no scars. 
 Great is Socialism, Mike. Great is Carl Marx. 
 But how did he make the discovery? How is it 
 that the question of food and raiment, and
 
 THE UNDER PUP 177 
 
 riches, and houses, under Socialism works such 
 wonders in making cherubs of mankind, when 
 they only made trouble and strife in the world 
 under other systems? Probably the affinity busi- 
 ness explains the secret and does the job. George 
 D. Herron ought to know. Sure, Mike, let's 
 write and ask him about it. You know he ate 
 the grub cooked by a loving, faithful, capital- 
 istic wife for many years, and all the time was 
 a republican and full of sin. Then he selected 
 his Socialistic affinity, went to subsisting on af- 
 finity-cooked "mixins," got the Socialistic mi- 
 crobe in his hide and got it bad, became econom- 
 ically perfect, morally above Christianity and 
 was elected American international secretary of 
 world- wide Socialism the only perfect cult the 
 world has yet brought forth. He now advises 
 everybody else to take the same dose. Assures 
 us they will be as perfect as he is if they only 
 will, and I reckon that's "no lie." The affinity 
 remedy might be a fine thing for geese. 
 
 Just think of it, Mike. Confucius, Siva, 
 Budda, Moses, Zoroaster and a world of great 
 souls, full of the love of mankind, did all their 
 profound minds and generous spirits could con- 
 ceive of, to uplift the race and make perfect the 
 life that now is. They left the earth, no doubt, 
 dreaming that perfection would reign because
 
 178 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 they had lived, and loved, and hoped, and taught, 
 and died. But alas, only one here, and one there, 
 has been cleansed and clothed upon. The great 
 nations of the ages have still remained imperfect, 
 the rank and file of men have continued selfish 
 and full of perversity. But they missed the 
 mark, Mike. They thought the seat of the dis- 
 ease was in the soul, and they shot at that. But 
 now comes the mighty Carl Marx, unlimbers his 
 tremendous think tank, and, lo, finds the seat of 
 the trouble in the stomach and on the back; yells 
 "houses, food, raiment," and the remedy stalks 
 majestically forth; the world is perfect. Good 
 grub and glad rags will "did" it. At that majes- 
 tic cry, sin and selfishness make a break for tall 
 timber, skedaddle, vamouse, hike, get out of 
 breath and die. 
 
 One would think these old reformers, who 
 tried so hard, prayed so earnestly and accom- 
 plished so little, would consult, come forth in dire 
 shame, march up to the mighty Carl, make their 
 profoundest, then solemnly and sorrowfully kick 
 each other into deep blue ether, for not having 
 thought of it themselves. Say, Mike, this is aw- 
 ful tobacco I am smoking tonight. I'll bet the 
 man that mixed it is a bloomin,' degenerate scab. 
 I do for a fact.
 
 TALK TEN 
 
 ON THE question of life and happiness, Mike, 
 the vagaries of Socialism are, almost exactly, 
 synonymous with the idiosyncracies of childhood. 
 When you place them side by side and examine 
 their earmarks, they are as near alike as two 
 peas. 
 
 Children are mostly always hungry. Outside 
 of healthy growing youngsters and young 
 hounds, Socialism is about the hungriest thing 
 that ever came down the pike. 
 
 The plans, and desires, and foresight of So- 
 cialists are fully as immature, as illogical and as 
 reckless, as those of childhood. 
 
 Give children plenty to eat, plenty to wear 
 and a comfortable home, and they are happy and 
 contented. Food, clothing and shelter form the 
 ground plea of Socialism. 
 
 Children expect everything as the result of the 
 labor of others. The philosophy of Socialism is, 
 to get a constantly increasing supply from a 
 gradually decreasing effort. 
 
 Children have no adequate sense of the rights 
 of ownership. If they see others have better 
 things, their first impulse is to take and appro- 
 priate them to their own use. 
 
 179
 
 180 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Socialism, equally deficient and equally en- 
 vious of the fortunate, insists that the way to 
 secure a just distribution of the good things of 
 the earth, is to confiscate them from those who 
 have, and distribute the rights of ownership, 
 equally, to those who have not and this too with 
 no more thought of the need of primary com- 
 pensation than a lot of kindergarten kids. 
 
 Children are always ready to hold common 
 things in common. Socialism, with no sense of 
 the rights of personal ownership, demands that 
 all things be held in common. Children dream, 
 that when the larder is full of good things to 
 eat, the closet full of clothing to wear and the 
 home as good as the home of others, life need 
 Lave no other cares. If that is not Socialistic 
 philosophy to a T, then, Mike, I'm a Dago. That 
 is a basic plea of the cult the world over. 
 
 Children believe that when everybody has 
 plenty, everybody will be good. Socialism in- 
 sists that when everybody has plenty, everybody 
 will not only be good, but everybody will be 
 faultless. Mohammedans are said to believe that 
 when Mahomet went to the mountain, an angel 
 opened his heart and removed the drop of orig- 
 inal sin, and he was thereafter perfect. 
 
 Socialism believes that an abundance of food, 
 shelter and glad rags, will do the same for the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 181 
 
 whole human race. When the "Industrial Com- 
 monwealth" is ushered in and things are Social- 
 istically administered, misery and sin will scoot 
 from the earth, like cattle rustlers from a pla- 
 toon of mounted Canadian police. Children uni- 
 formly want to do as they please. The Socialistic 
 idea is that, "The human will is nothing but 
 attraction, and man should do whatever he likes." 
 
 Children are against authority, against gov- 
 erning rules, against punishment for disobedi- 
 ence. Socialism would overthrow all govern- 
 ment over men, and substitute only an "Admin- 
 istration of things." It would destroy all "re- 
 pressive" statutes, as with all government up- 
 rooted, there can be no crime. Children play 
 "hooky," "soldier," and do as little work as 
 possible. Socialism is praying for the time to 
 come when the labor day will be so short that 
 a Socialist going to work will, just as he hits the 
 gate, meet himself coming back. 
 
 Children have no use for marriage. From 
 what Socialist authors, who have written on the 
 subject say, neither has Socialism. The ideas 
 of children on the question come from ignorance. 
 Those of Socialism come from cussedness. 
 
 Children have very few aristocratic ideas. So- 
 cialism has none. Children are not particular as 
 to their associates. Neither is Socialism.
 
 182 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Children do not understand the law of die- 
 tetics, and so often bring on attacks of illness 
 from over-eating unhealthy food. Socialism in 
 its ideas of healthful existence forgets that the 
 largest amount of actual physical suffering 
 among men is among the "idle rich," and that 
 most of that comes from, not over-feeding so 
 much as from highly seasoned and rich food, 
 accompanied by lack of exercise. Among the 
 "middle classes" there is much more of the rich 
 man's trouble than formerly. This comes from 
 the present and rising generation, apeing the 
 unhealthful dressing, the late hours and the 
 profligate habits and dissipations of the vul- 
 gar and dissolute rich. Go to any popular 
 physician's office in the average fashionable 
 or semi-fashionable district, in the afternoon 
 of any day. You will be surprised at the 
 painted, card-playing, dancing dames crowded 
 around on the outer office seats, waiting their 
 turns to be treated to dope dished out by a physi- 
 cian, too polite to tell them bluntly the exact 
 truth. Were he to be more truthful and less 
 polite, he would more likely say to nineteen- 
 twentieths of them: "What you need, is not 
 medicine. You have no business in a physician's 
 office at any stage of the game. Go home and 
 take care of your babies as a mother should.
 
 THE UXDER PUP 183 
 
 Turn the hired baby tender off and give to your 
 offspring a mother's care and a mother's love, 
 instead of a stranger's care from dollar love. Let 
 up on these pink teas, card parties and midnight 
 luncheons on indigestible nothings ; stay at home 
 more, be a helpmate, instead of a languid, fliffy, 
 floffy help-eat; cook, wash and do the part in 
 keeping the home that your husband must do 
 to keep above the mire; see that your society 
 relaxation is a restful, helpful pastime that fits 
 you for usefulness, instead of an absorbing pas- 
 sion that takes you the pace that kills. Make 
 your husband and your children your compan- 
 ions and chums, instead of society dandies and 
 skye terriers. Be just as helpful, industrious and 
 companionable as you have tried to be orna- 
 mental and socially conspicuous, and if you 
 don't become so voraciously healthy, inside of 
 six months, that corn beef and cabbage will taste 
 better than oyster cocktail, my advice will not 
 cost you a red cent." 
 
 Now, Mike, I am not just moralizing. I'm 
 a tramp, and not supposed to know much about 
 these high and mighty fashionable prize winners 
 at the Court of Flora McFlimsey; but I've seen 
 enough and heard enough to know that much 
 of the dissatisfaction of the real mothers of this 
 land the healthy, industrious wives of the
 
 184 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ''lower classes" is born of the natural envy that 
 is aroused by the silly upish conduct of the blis- 
 tered upper crust. Girls who have left in their 
 hearts a modicum of self-respect who refuse to 
 live in the kitchen and sleep in a meaner corner 
 than the Madam's skye terrier, refuse to work for 
 them longer, and the sloppy help they do get is 
 next to worthless. Socialism, as I was saying, 
 is childish, and one of these days it will sweep 
 into its ranks all this riff raff before society 
 knows anything about it. And then, Mike, look 
 out. Every poor woman that has been mis- 
 treated and run over, that has been heartlessly 
 elbowed aside, will have years of insult to 
 avenge; and sister wash tub, sister servant girl, 
 sister scrub woman, sister soiled dove, all have 
 strong bodies, and can strike hard, and strike 
 straight. 
 
 The good society doctor had better lay aside 
 his unctious politeness, and begin telling his 
 fashionable patients the truth telling them that 
 it is less vulgar to be industrious and healthy, 
 than it is to be trifling and lazy, yielding to 
 insipid society habits, and diseases solely of the 
 imagination. Tell them that God intended 
 them to be useful, and homesomely helpful, and 
 that it is just the right time for them to begin the 
 moment they get home. Tell them to make
 
 THE UNDER PUP 185 
 
 health popular, instead of languor and pretended 
 half-invalidism. 
 
 He will likely lose a lot of that "handsome is, 
 as handsome does" patronage not patients, a 
 thing they never were by it, and perhaps his 
 wife will get the society cold shoulder, but he will 
 be a benefactor to a lot of heart sick and dis- 
 gusted husbands, help to save a nation and a 
 civilization, if he can screw his courage up to the 
 heroic notch where his manly duty lies. Give 
 good advice, instead of bad medicine. 
 
 The danger in Socialism, Mike, lies in the pro- 
 found truth that its viewpoint of things is the 
 viewpoint of childhood, that it acts on the basis 
 of desire instead of reason. 
 
 What do children know about the true science 
 of the sterner affairs of life? Were they to be 
 invited to establish a government as a model for 
 the human race, that should, in no way, be 
 framed after any known or tried form, how do 
 you suppose they would go about it, Mike? Do 
 you think it would be anything like the "Com- 
 monwealth" that Socialism has planned? 
 
 In the first place, children would likely know, 
 even with their limited experience, that you 
 can't take the rascality out of a boy by just giv- 
 ing him good shelter, clothing him in purple and 
 fine linen, and stuffing him with grub. They
 
 186 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 have seen that some of the most headstrong, 
 selfish and vicious little ruffians among them have 
 always been the best clothed, the best fed and 
 the best housed. They have found that nothing 
 ever tamed them but a good mauling, and the 
 fear of another one just like it. So, I reckon, 
 wiser than their grown-up, duplicate thinkers, 
 they would, judiciously, make a few stringent 
 laws to repress their brutal nature when it 
 should crop out too strongly. 
 
 I also think they would make some wise pro- 
 visions for religious liberty and religious pro- 
 tection ; for the unpoisoned soul of an intelligent 
 boy senses a finer clime for good men, after the 
 summer of this life closes, just as the instinct 
 of a bird tells it of a June some other place, 
 when the frosts of December come in this North- 
 ern land. Nature has not lied to the birds, and 
 no thoughtful boy believes it has lied to him. 
 
 Children would fail to provide proper safe- 
 guards in many governmental features, but fail- 
 ure would be the result of ignorance. 
 
 Socialism would fail in almost every function 
 of safe and stable government. Its failure, how- 
 ever, would not always, as in the case of chil- 
 dren, be from lack of knowledge. It would more 
 likely be the result of a desire for untrammeled 
 license.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 187 
 
 On the question of wages, the parallel between 
 childhood and Socialism is equally as striking. 
 Children have no idea of the costs involved in 
 the production of commodities. Socialism is 
 equally dense as to the grades of knowledge 
 required to carry on the different lines of skilled 
 workmanship. If one boy, who could do more 
 and do it better than his associates, were to re- 
 ceive higher wages, some of the more ignorant 
 boys would be jealous and make trouble. In 
 Socialism, those whose mental capacity could 
 never lift them above the roughest manual toil, 
 would be the first to cry out against those who 
 mixed brains with their work and received the 
 higher wage. Children would get into an inex- 
 tricable tangle on the wage question. Socialists 
 would not get into it, they are into it now up to 
 their chins. 
 
 To harmonize the tanglesome maze their eco- 
 nomic big wigs have made all sorts of sugges- 
 tions. Still the tangle remains. It is too deep 
 water for mere wind- jamming philosophy. One 
 solution offered is what is called, "Rotation in 
 office." This, when analyzed, is so idiotic and 
 ridiculous as to only create amusement. That 
 theory reduced to practice would make the most 
 versatile people on earth. One day you would 
 be a doctor, the next day a painter, the next day
 
 188 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 a printer, the next day a carpenter, the next a 
 baker, the next a miller, the next an electrician 
 and so on till each man would get around to all 
 the trades and professions. Under that rule 
 every man would get equal wages, because each 
 would do an equal amount of the same kind of 
 work. Suppose you were to be taken seriously 
 ill the day the hod carrier, or the cuspidor 
 cleaner, had his turn playing doctor? Be com- 
 forting, wouldn't it, Mike ? Get sick on purpose, 
 wouldn't you? 
 
 Then the "Iron law of wages" has been seri- 
 ously suggested, but that theory has been so 
 often and so fully exploded, that no one would 
 think of adopting it but a child or a Socialist, 
 and not many of them. 
 
 Others have insisted that the "Social unit" 
 should settle the question. Marx supposed that 
 the equitable way would be to pay wages on the 
 basis of the average work done in a given time. 
 Bebel supposed the most equitable solution 
 would be, not only pay as to the time spent, but 
 a further consideration should cover the question 
 of the "intrinsic value" of the work done. And 
 still others, these the chaps with big families, 
 no doubt, have urged that a man should receive 
 as his share for labor performed, not what he 
 "creates" but in proportion to his needs. Others
 
 THE UNDER PUP 189 
 
 have declared that the amount a "Comrade" 
 should receive should be determined by his dili- 
 gence and skill. Another insists that every man 
 should be paid alike regardless of brains, effic- 
 iency, quality of work or volume of output. 
 
 So, Mike, you can see what economic wisdom 
 there is being shown in their settlement of the 
 vexed question of wages. "What you do not 
 see, ask for," is the sign over the Socialist door. 
 The division of products, among the producers, 
 would be about as harmonious as the division of a 
 watermelon would be among a lot of selfish negro 
 kids. And the day of division would be about 
 as orderly and peaceful as a lot of society women 
 in the early rush at a dry goods "Remnant Sale." 
 
 Socialism ought to find some standard of 
 agreement, on some of the phases of wages and 
 distribution, before it talks so cock-sure of the 
 glory it would be able to bring to mankind. 
 
 Land being one of the "means of production," 
 it must be nationalized. How is it to be worked ? 
 On lease? Then, who is to do the leasing? There 
 being no law over men, under Socialism, how 
 can the poor land be leased? All will want the 
 best land or none. So, only weak men could be 
 forced to take the poorer land; and then only 
 because nothing else was left. There would grow 
 up, under Socialism, two classes. The strong,
 
 190 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 who, by virtue of their superior strength, would 
 select the best and hold it and the weak, who, 
 because of their weakness, would be forced to 
 take that which is left. So, classism would lack 
 a lot of being dead in the world. The profession- 
 al wind-jammer, who, in all ages, has made his 
 living on the lecture platform in behalf of the 
 "oppressed," at so much per, would again be 
 in clover. But how about beautifying and im- 
 proving the homes? If leases are short and un- 
 certain, as they naturally would be, who will im- 
 prove, at the expense of great labor and care, 
 when the other fellow is the more likely to come 
 in and enjoy it next year? If leases are made of 
 sufficient length to evade this difficulty, then 
 comes in the question of permanent residence 
 and personal ownership, and there you are. So- 
 cialism, as to non-private ownership of the means 
 of production, in that event goes up in thin air. 
 Now, Mike, there are a lot of things you and 
 I should keep distinctly in mind. In the first 
 place, we are vags we are. We come and go 
 when and where we please. We are soldiers of 
 fortune. All last summer we went up and down 
 the land as we have for years begging when it 
 was profitable, working when we had to and 
 sponging when good nature would stand for it. 
 We found that the political fortunes of others
 
 THE UNDER PUP 191 
 
 men and parties made no difference to us. We 
 lived the animal life, solely and completely, in 
 the old nomadic way. But we kept our eyes 
 open as we went along. We found much misery 
 in the world on many sides. I studied conditions 
 as we found them with the single purpose of 
 arriving at the truth. 
 
 The meeting with Walter Case, his offer to 
 hire me to take care of this mountain home for 
 the winter the best berth I have had for ten 
 years settled the question as to my future. He 
 knew I was a bum, but took me on trust, and I 
 resolved to do the square thing. We are taking 
 care of his property as he would himself. He 
 is sending me the wages promptly, which I don't 
 need. I am sending every check to Betty and 
 the babies a thing which I think they do need. 
 By accident all these Socialist books were here. 
 So, Mike, from what we have seen, and what we 
 have read, it is a pretty clear case that we almost 
 know what Socialism teaches, and, if given a 
 chance, what it will do. From all this, I feel 
 safe in saying that fully nine-tenths of the misery 
 in human society today at least in America is 
 the direct result of this abnormal get-rich-quick, 
 high-living, self-indulgent, live-as-good-as-others 
 spirit, with which the age is cursed. Socialism is 
 the political turkey buzzard of the earth. It can
 
 192 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 only exist because of the inequalities, the oppres- 
 sion and the misfortunes at the congested centers 
 of population. When men prosper, Socialism is 
 dumb. Let any thoroughly organized philan- 
 thropy take colony after colony of the indus- 
 trious class, who would work and make some- 
 thing out of life, if they had a chance, away from 
 the congested the overcrowded industrial 
 centers, to rural homes. Give them land and 
 teach them how to cultivate it and market the 
 produce. Let this be done till the waste lands of 
 the South and Southwest are occupied, and con- 
 gestion in the cities is removed. Then the cost 
 of living, as well as the rate of wages, would be 
 equalized; let the entrance of the undesirable 
 population of Europe be shut off, and Socialism 
 would die a natural death. 
 
 Socialism does not thrive in rural communities. 
 It has found but scant foothold among the 
 farming classes, and it must go out of business 
 where conditions are healthful. In America 
 economic sore spots are the exception, not the 
 rule. Suppose, Mike, that we keep the record 
 straight. Suppose we get clear in our minds 
 what Socialism is not, as fully as we have what 
 it is. Municipal ownership of light and water 
 supply, is not Socialism, nor Socialistic. It is 
 applied democracy. It is a constitutional func-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 193 
 
 tion under a democratic form of government. 
 The nationalization of the postal service is not 
 Socialism. It is democracy. Government con- 
 trol of transportation, or even government own- 
 ership, would be in full harmony with our demo- 
 cratic constitution. Public schools for the free 
 education of our children is democratic, not So- 
 cialistic. Even Socialist standard writers in- 
 sist that public ownership under democracy is 
 not Socialistic. When we talk of controlling the 
 trusts, railways, express traffic, telephone and 
 telegraph systems ; when we insist on wiping out 
 the imperfections in the industrial -world today, 
 by governmental action and control, we are in 
 full accord with the principles of a democratic 
 governmental form. Socialism is about as much 
 needed in this country as an epidemic of Asiatic 
 cholera. All this nonsense, that we must turn 
 the entire machinery of state over to an untried 
 cult, which, in its efforts to right the wrongs that 
 unpatriotic and criminal carelessness has allowed 
 to grow up, and which will inevitably destroy law 
 and order, and all healthful conditions that now 
 exist, is as imbecile as Socialism itself. It is both 
 childish and criminal. When you see a lot of 
 super-educated sentimentalists and sun-flower 
 dreamers together, telling how some form of So- 
 cialism must come in, to right our wrongs; hear- 
 
 13
 
 194 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ing them, you square off to listen, to catch wis- 
 dom on economics by the hogshead. You fairly 
 turn sick to learn that their ideas are the same 
 as all the rest of the breed, of the untried, un- 
 sound, shady, revolutionary variety. But you 
 never need to expect a single economically ra- 
 tional, or politically practical suggestion, from a 
 idreamer, educated or illiterate. You never can 
 expect a rational, logical solution, large or 
 small, Mike, from a sentimentalist. He lives 
 entirely in his sympathies and in his imagination. 
 Give any one of them a chance to reform any- 
 thing even a temperance rally, or a slot machine 
 crusade and he will run it into the ridiculous, 
 inside of a month. The only thing one of them 
 ever made a howling success of in life, was in 
 spoiling a table waiter or a tip top hod carrier, 
 in the effort to create one of the vital intellectual 
 factors in modern progress. They are great 
 wind-jammers, Mike. They make really great 
 Socialists, because Socialism's most stupendous 
 asset consists of rainbow chasing and natural 
 gas. Who were the class conscious Socialists we 
 met wherever we went, Mike? Were they the 
 leading men of the city in which they lived? No. 
 Were they the moving spirits of the city's great 
 industries? No. Were they the men who were 
 looked up to, in any of the projects that would
 
 THE UNDER PUP 195 
 
 build up the commercial or industrial interests 
 of the city? No. Were they the men who were 
 ahead in the practical reforms and philanthropies 
 of the community ? No. Were they the boosters, 
 or the wide awake chaps, who were striving to 
 improve the social, the civic, the moral, the edu- 
 cational affairs of the community? No. Were 
 they the home builders, the savings bank patrons, 
 the temperance advocates, the religious teachers, 
 or in any essential sense, of the size of the best 
 class of men that go to make a community one 
 of substantial attractiveness? No. Then, who 
 on earth were they? Well, Mike, I am feeling 
 real modest tonight. I'll not say. Just ask 
 Boulder, ask Denver, ask Omaha, ask Chicago, 
 ask New York, ask any town, anywhere, and get 
 your answer. It will be the same, and it will 
 be straight from the shoulder. Now, honest, 
 Mike, if the average, local Socialist body, in the 
 towns of the United States, is not composed of 
 men active in the commercial and industrial in- 
 terests of the community? If they are in no 
 sense men of virile moral and intellectual force? 
 If they represent the type of life that has had to 
 depend on others, for direction and advice in con- 
 structive affairs? If, in short, they have been 
 the led, instead of the leaders, in civic and social 
 life, and are minus that vital element in nature
 
 196 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 called constructive and cumulative genius, then 
 is it wise or safe to follow their lead in matters 
 pertaining to affairs of state? What do you 
 think about it, old man? If men cannot make 
 even a moderate success of their own small af- 
 fairs, in private lines, in a country like this, 
 would you expect them to do great things at the 
 head of the destiny of a nation? The reason 
 there are so many things warped in our political 
 affairs now, is because we have quit sending big 
 men to our legislative halls. We need big men 
 in our legislative offices, instead of a lot still 
 smaller than the little things we now have. 
 
 What sort of a United States senator do you 
 think I would make, Mike? Would be a peach, 
 wouldn't I? Well, I belong to the wage earn- 
 ing class. I can keep the bob cats off of this 
 place. Then why am I not big enough to go to 
 congress? Now, from the Socialistic standpoint 
 answer me that? Well, old man, when Socialism 
 is ushered in, that is about the condition of 
 things we will have to face all over the nation, 
 and about the size of the gang that will run our 
 public affairs. But it is a long, long time till 
 sun up, Mike, so we can go to bed, and pleasant 
 dreams. Adios.
 
 TALK ELEVEN 
 
 THERE is no question, Mike, but that the con- 
 ditions, which have grown up under this modern 
 hothouse civilization of ours, are considerably 
 mixed. One man has less than his actual needs,, 
 his next door neighbor, a thousand times more 
 than he can ever use. A vast army goes to bed 
 hungry every night, another one is constantly 
 overfed. Both live and struggle side by side. 
 
 Now, why is this? What is the secret of the 
 difference? Who, or what, is to blame? These 
 questions the profoundest sociologists and polit- 
 ical economists have been trying to answer. The 
 problem is one which will take time and the 
 wisest statesmanship to solve. Men who live 
 square up against the dinner table all the time 
 who have never had time to devote to any ques- 
 tion, save the one of bread and butter for the 
 next meal, cannot solve it. Their education is 
 limited. Their experience is circumscribed. The 
 sun rose, yesterday and today, just back over the 
 hill. It will set, tonight and tomorrow, just be- 
 yond the rim of the next. They can neither 
 grasp nor analyze great questions. Sociology to 
 them is a sealed book. Economics is as foreign 
 as are the problems of Euclid to dwellers of 
 Baby land. 
 
 197
 
 198 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 From childhood the worker has done nothing 
 but work, work, work. He is strong of body, 
 supple of limb. His muscles are as bands of 
 steel. His digestive organs are perfect, his appe- 
 tite as strong as his body. But his mind in 
 training and culture; in the knowledge of the 
 schools; in self-confidence and self-reliance; in 
 initiative and constructive grasp, is embriotic is 
 weak. He has always been guided, planned 
 for never guiding or planning. 
 
 He began his industrial, bread winning career 
 in the employ of Mr. George R. Jones. For 
 the work in hand, Mr. Jones had the brains and 
 the genius. He, John Smith, had the muscle 
 and the strength. Jones told him what to do, 
 how to do, and he did it, and did it right. A 
 time or two he doubted Jones' judgment and did 
 it his own way. When finished the work was all 
 done wrong and had to be done over again, and 
 done according to the directions of Jones. After 
 making a comparison, Smith saw that Jones' 
 way was the right way, and the best. That com- 
 parison settled the question decisively. From 
 that day on Jones was "Mr." to Smith, and 
 Smith was always plain "John" or "Jack" to 
 Jones. Mr. Jones furnished the brains for every 
 undertaking, and Smith furnished the muscle 
 and working skill. Jones never once intimated
 
 THE UNDER PUP 199 
 
 how Smith should address him. "George" would 
 have suited him just as well as "Mr.," as Jones 
 was not a snob. But Smith paid him the uncon- 
 scious tribute muscle always pays to brains, by 
 intuitively calling him "Mr.," even when they 
 were alone. Brains always have insisted on their 
 superiority over the mere physical. In fact, they 
 insist that without their guiding power the physi- 
 cal is like a steamed-up engine without a driver 
 liable to jump the track, go into the ditch or run 
 in any direction, blow up or do any sort of wild, 
 dangerous thing. 
 
 So, brains always have insisted that the plan- 
 ning, the scheming, the directing of things are of 
 more intrinsic value to the world than the mere 
 directed, physical power necessary to execute 
 them. On that basis, Mr. George R. Jones, the 
 'discoverer, the planner, the director, the man- 
 ager, asks more many times more for his ser- 
 vices to the world of industry and commerce than 
 John Smith does for his. He gets all he asks, 
 for somehow the world in general, including 
 John Smith, has been bamboozled into an un- 
 questioning acceptance of Mr. George R. Jones' 
 own personal estimate of his value, in the devel- 
 opment and progress of industrial affairs. 
 
 As there are, relatively, fewer Mr. Joneses in 
 the world, than there are John Smiths, Jones
 
 200 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 with his quality of brains has less competition, 
 and his services are in greater demand ten 
 times greater and he gradually increases the 
 volume of his earnings, till by and by, he becomes 
 a "capitalist." A little later along, he is called 
 to head some great corporation, and in his new 
 position is clothed with still greater authority. 
 Money comes to him, both from his investments 
 and salary combined, and he begins to taste the 
 exhilarating sweets that go with his position as 
 a "captain of industry," and begins to thirst for 
 still greater achievement. Along about this time 
 Mrs. Jones, though she may have been one of 
 the commonest sort of common folks, before she 
 married Mr. Jones a dish washer or a hash 
 slinger begins to wake up to the fact that Mr. 
 Jones is "somebody," and that she being his wife 
 is necessarily "some pumpkins" herself. It is a 
 sort of reflected glory, but Mrs. Jones don't 
 know the difference. It is not necessary that she 
 should. So she begins to feel a little gay, and 
 sort of gamy herself, when out on dress parade. 
 She begins to dress in the latest styles from 
 Broadway and "Gay Paree," cultivates a pink 
 tea complexion, a refined and languorous air 
 and it is wondrous how artistically and easily she 
 catches on says ither and nither, has a foot- 
 man and a train of "servants" including a
 
 THE UNDER PUP 201 
 
 French maid, eats frog legs and oyster cocktails, 
 sips mint juleps and holds "Series" and week 
 end parties, becomes more or less exclusive and 
 has a secret horror of Mr. Jones' vulgar rela- 
 tions, on general principles. She also cuts out 
 anything like familiar, or intimate, relations with 
 Mrs. Smith and the whole Smith tribe. The 
 Jones kids also begin to get heady and super- 
 ciliously chesty, and put on a lot of poodle dog 
 airs. They see clean over the heads of the Smith 
 youngsters, dress English, "don't cher know," 
 and make all sorts of vulgar, get-rich-quick, silly 
 asses of themselves. 
 
 About this time, Jack Smith finds that his 
 hard-working spouse and the little Smiths have 
 felt the Joneses' slights, and worked up the big- 
 gest kind of a grouch over it. They not only 
 have it in for the Jones bunch for their high 
 and mighty ways, but rake up the past when 
 Smith had as fair a show to make good in the 
 world as Jones; and they give the old man to 
 understand that it was his fault that he did not. 
 They are partly correct, and Smith instinctively 
 knows it, but neither he nor they get to the core 
 of the trouble in their excited analysis. It was 
 not a question of industry or inherent "git up 
 and git," as Smith had as much of that quality 
 as Jones. The trouble lay in the difference in
 
 202 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 the texture of the grey matter under their hats. 
 Smith knows it in a sort of vague way, as does 
 Mrs. Smith, but the children do not understand 
 it, and the old folks are too proud to explain. 
 
 In the end, Smith begins to feel that somehow 
 and somewhere, Jones took a mean advantage of 
 him and always kept it. He nurses resentment 
 against Jones, and in time, against the world in 
 general. 
 
 ( At last he hears "The Bull of Bashan" among 
 the Socialists tell where the milk in the cocoanut 
 of the industrial question lies. Hears him ex- 
 plain that we are living under a "caitalistic sys- 
 tem," that was framed by plutocratic spiders 
 to catch and devour "proletariat" flies. That in 
 the final round up, capitalism gets the money, al- 
 lowing only a small fraction of it to go to the 
 great laboring mass who earn it. Jones, he de- 
 clares, is a bad man, but it is the system that 
 makes him bad. Like all human beings he was 
 not necessarily born that way, but was easily 
 twisted by the existing warped and warping 
 economic system. Said Socialist leader insists 
 that the way to remedy the evil is for every poor 
 man, every "down-trodden wage slave of the 
 world," to join the Socialist party, vote against 
 "Capitalism" first, last, all the time, and every 
 time, till the government is placed under So-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 203 
 
 cialistic control. And then yes siree, then 
 everybody will roll just literally roll in 
 plenty. All the public means of production, all 
 land holdings, all private property, will be made 
 public property. It will all be confiscated, and 
 made the property of all alike. So, Mike, he 
 asserts that when Socialism comes into power the 
 control of government what little there is left 
 will be taken from the "capitalistic class" that 
 was, and be turned over to the "Workers," the 
 former industrial class, who will show the world 
 what wise and beneficent government really is. 
 The capitalists will be relegated to the wood pile 
 and hay field, and be made to work in the rear 
 ranks. In that "gleeourious" day the workers 
 will be the whole cheese, and Mr. Capitalist will 
 learn to take orders. Smith is so taken with the 
 speech that he goes back again and again. He 
 is tickled clean to his toes, goes home walking on 
 thin air. He gets so thoroughly saturated with 
 Socialistic ideas that he will vote the Socialist 
 ticket if it breaks his neck. He don't know beans 
 about the science of government, nor the funda- 
 mentals of Socialism. All he does know is that 
 he has worked hard all his life just as hard 
 as Jones and has not made anything like the 
 money Jones has, and the idea that the existing 
 system has kept him down and sent Jones up,
 
 204 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 instead of their difference in brain quality, is 
 more comforting to his mind than would be a 
 bald conviction of the exact truth. The fact, too, 
 that when the Socialists get in the saddle, he and 
 his class will be in full control of public affairs 
 and bigger toads than Jones, lends enchantment 
 to his dream. Who knows but he, John Smith, 
 may be chosen as one of the chief governmental 
 gazabos of the Socialist Commonwealth, and ride 
 high in the chariot of state. Who knows but he 
 will be made head of some department of indus- 
 try, and Jones will be a worker under him and 
 have to take orders from him as to what to do, 
 and when to do it. By this time he is plastered 
 so tight on the front seat of the local Socialist 
 band wagon, that you could not blow him off 
 with a stick of dynamite. The Socialist's story, 
 Smith's envy of the Jones class, his cupidity and 
 greed, has made a mercurial, but unhealthy mix. 
 Smith is a Socialist class conscious and red- 
 headed. 
 
 There is no question, Mike, but just some sort 
 of a sneaking idea like that enters many an 
 "under class" noodle, and goes a great ways in 
 making and keeping him a Socialist. And if 
 Socialism wins, just that sort of thing will 
 happen at first. You know, and I know, for we 
 have heard them talk and plan as to how things
 
 THE UNDER PUP 205 
 
 are to be done when Socialists ride into power, 
 get hold of the "tools of government" and begin 
 to run the country. 
 
 They make their appeal to the "Proletariat" 
 alone that is, to the "downtrodden wage earn- 
 ing class," the chaps in overalls, and the bum, 
 down-and-out class, like "yours truly" the jet- 
 sam and flotsam of the earth. And they make 
 no bones about expecting to win and weld that 
 tribe into a governmental force, which from sheer 
 volume of numbers, will eventually gain the 
 ascendancy in all economic, social and civic af- 
 fairs. And with it push everybody else into the 
 background. 
 
 It is the wildest brained scheme ever worked 
 out, and unless the real lovers of humanity the 
 patriotic men of affairs, the men of brains and 
 character, who want to see stability and progress 
 among men, wake up and face the disease and 
 apply the remedy, before it becomes epidemic, it 
 will win. And, Mike, if it does win, this civiliz- 
 ation is doomed and progress will move back- 
 ward five thousand years. Till the curtain rings 
 down on the tragedy of incompetence, license, 
 riot, savagery and inordinate cruelty, that will 
 open up on the dark morning of that day, there 
 will be little left worth the winning. I tell you, 
 old man, we have seen how things run riot when
 
 206 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 the rabble is turned loose. We have seen a per- 
 fectly orderly and just strike begin. We have 
 seen it when both sides became desperate, and 
 determined to do or die. And then, we have seen 
 the rabble tear loose, with no man knowing how 
 or from whence they came, and a saturnalia of 
 plunder, bloodshed and property destruction set 
 in, that left nothing but suffering and ruin in 
 its wake. Just what we have seen in spots, when 
 class was arrayed against class, will be the his- 
 tory of the struggle all over the earth, when So- 
 cialism has thoroughly organized the mob and 
 started in to rule. 
 
 I attended a public debate in Iowa between 
 what was flaunted the "Little Giant of Social- 
 ism" and a representative of Constitutional Gov- 
 ernment and from the Socialist standpoint the 
 doctrines of Socialism were as ably defended as 
 they can be. I was especially struck with the 
 fact that the local Socialists were above the 
 average of the cult, in many ways, and yet, Mike, 
 when the Constitutional advocate spent most of 
 his time in reading what leading Socialists have 
 written, as to their plans and intentions what 
 Socialism really is and what it intends to do, 
 there was a sensation among the Socialists all 
 over the house. He almost had to debate with 
 the entire Socialistic part of the audience pit,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 207 
 
 gallery and all. They had been so enthusiastic 
 in propagating and discussing the mere wage 
 and capitalistic question, that they had entirely 
 overlooked the religious, the ethical and revolu- 
 tionary phase of the subject. When that was 
 shown up they were wild as March hares. But 
 what I want you to understand is this, Mike, if 
 an audience of the highest class of Socialists 
 have not enough self-control, to silently and 
 courteously listen to a debate when the opposing 
 side is being presented, but get cantankerous and 
 chip in, unwilling to wait till their own champion 
 can reply, what could you expect of the entire 
 party, when the time comes that prudence, wis- 
 dom and patriotic reserve must be exercised? 
 Don't you think, old man, that men who cannot 
 hear, in respectful silence, would be a good deal 
 of a mob, in times of reconstruction, when sta- 
 bility, caution and prudent action in govern- 
 mental and industrial affairs are required? 
 
 It is not a pleasant thing, Mike, to have to 
 talk some things about your own kind. Ordi- 
 narily I wouldn't say such things as I am saying 
 to you, these long winter evenings. But when 
 a lot of men place themselves in the limelight 
 as the salt of the earth, and announce a doctrine 
 of human government they claim to be the acme 
 of perfection, and which will settle all knotty,
 
 208 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 economic and social problems, and bring about 
 Utopian conditions, we have a right to analyze, 
 not only the doctrines themselves, but the char- 
 acter and temper of the men behind them. Good 
 intentions and incapacity, mixed, travel back- 
 wards on the road to success. "Empty wagons 
 always rattle the loudest." 
 
 So I say now, as I have said to you again and 
 again, that the average Socialist propagandist 
 is a man who has been unable to make his own 
 business a very howling success. He is making 
 his appeal to all the rest of mankind, who like 
 himself, from various causes, have not been able 
 to climb up above the dead level of inferior posi- 
 tion. All of the men on earth, of that calibre, 
 if combined in one effort to build and plan and 
 guide the Ship of State, would make as much 
 of a botch of it as they have in building, each, 
 his own fortune. I do not doubt for a single 
 minute, Mike, that their intentions, according 
 to their lights, are good. But I insist that their 
 lights are bad. Their capacity is insufficient. 
 
 I find among them a lot of men who blame 
 their misfortunes and their poverty on the con- 
 ditions of existing civilization ; when I know that 
 economic conditions, in general or particular, 
 have nothing to do with it. They began spend- 
 ing their money for gin, as soon as they had any
 
 THE UNDER PUP 209 
 
 to spend, just as I did, and they are spending it 
 for gin yet. The only difference is, it takes more 
 gin to satisfy their cravings now than it did 
 years ago, and more money to buy it. The real 
 difference between them and me is, I have sense 
 enough to know that had I let booze alone and 
 saved my money, I would not be a vagabond 
 and a tail-ender now, while they do not know 
 that that is the scorpion that is stinging them. 
 '(I am not talking about the man who takes a 
 drink when he wants it and goes about his busi- 
 ness. It is the lusher, the boozer, the soaker, 
 I mean.) 
 
 Others of them could not plan and carry out 
 any sort of a complicated project. They blame 
 everything else but their own lack of construc- 
 tive ability. They blame the conditions of our 
 civilization for their failure to reach the top notch 
 of industrial success, when the fault lies in them- 
 selves. Everybody else, who is of broad mind, 
 lays the blame for their inability to get further 
 along to the quality of brains with which they 
 have been endowed, or their unwillingness to 
 study hard enough to learn more than they now 
 know. One is a shabby merchant, another and 
 another, and another, till you get all the way 
 around, is mediocre in the line in which his worls 
 has placed him, unless it be the one function of 
 
 14
 
 210 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 self-commiseration. He blames the present capi- 
 talistic system for a lot of things, when the real 
 trouble lies in himself his mental, or moral, or 
 mechanical, or constructive make-up, or his in- 
 herent quality of mind and character. 
 
 If Socialism wins, they will land, in the end, 
 in the affairs of the commonwealth precisely 
 where they are today. They will have to do the 
 kind of work then they are compelled to do now, 
 for they can do no other kind. And they ought 
 to know that the same kind of work then, will 
 be just as hard and distasteful as it is now. It 
 will only be "out of the frying pan, into the 
 fire." 
 
 About the most blasphemous infidel I ever 
 knew was once a preacher. He was not an elo- 
 quent man, nor an original or deep thinker. He 
 could not preach, people did not come to hear 
 him, and his ministry was a failure; instead of 
 dropping to the truth that the failure was in 
 him, I'll be confound, if he did not lay the blame 
 on the Almighty, and on religion, and turn blas- 
 phemer and infidel. You cannot throw a two- 
 inch stream with a pipe stem. 
 
 I am a failure, Mike, as you know. It is not 
 capitalism. It is not our system of economics. 
 It is not that men crowded me to the wall. It 
 was because I, William Sykes LeClaire, was too
 
 THE UNDER PUP 211 
 
 lazy to study to get higher up. Because I put 
 my money in the gin mill that I should have put 
 in the bank, or the Building and Loan. Because 
 I cultivated my appetite instead of my self- 
 control. Because, like millions of others, T re- 
 fused to stay in the country that was not 
 crowded, and persisted in piling up in the city, 
 where it was crowded, till wages were too low, 
 because men were twice as thick as work. I 
 could have had good wages and plenty, if I had 
 had the inclination and spunk to have gone where 
 work was. 
 
 Another thing, Mike, in this country, every 
 man who has the mettle in him to do so, is doing, 
 or has done, two things. He has either paid for, 
 or is paying for a home. He has good wages 
 now, and is getting a cleaner hold on his pro- 
 fession than he has ever had expects, and will 
 receive further advancement. So, with him, So- 
 cialism has never had much weight, and it never 
 will. His hope lies in himself, in his own ability 
 to rise, through watchfulness and industry. 
 
 It is a fact also, that fully three-fourths of the 
 captains of industry of today, of men who are at 
 the head of the great industrial enterprises, and 
 who are leaders in the commercial world, have 
 come up from the ranks. And there never was 
 a time in human history when there was such a
 
 212 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 demand for good men, when they could advance 
 as fast, and reach positions of great earning 
 power, of wealth and influence, as quickly and 
 easily as they can right now. All that is needed 
 is character, industry, loyalty and brains. 
 
 Another thing, Mike, the largest per cent of 
 Socialist workers in this country are not from 
 American parentage, as far as I have seen. They 
 are of foreign birth and education, do not under- 
 stand the genius of our institutions, and in rank 
 ignorance of their inherent genius, are ranting 
 about conditions, both social and economic, that 
 do not exist. The men who understand our in- 
 stitutions fully, know that there is not a real 
 wrong in our affairs that cannot be fully met 
 and satisfactorily adjusted under our Demo- 
 cratic form of government. Nor will this fan- 
 tastic yawp, about the need of a new form of 
 government to bring about necessary changes, 
 have serious influence with them. By far the 
 larger body of American labor has both sense 
 and patriotism, and readily see that the appeal 
 of Socialism, is more to the appetite of the dis- 
 tracted and warped element of the country, than 
 to the law-loving, sober sense of the patriotic 
 body who have not only the best interests of the 
 country, but of humanity, at heart. It is a 
 harbinger from another clime.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 218 
 
 Fully ninety per cent of the labor of this 
 country will spring to arms to save the govern- 
 ment as it now is, if need be. They have done 
 so before and will do it again. The fellows who 
 think they won't are fooling with fire, and mighty 
 hot fire at that. When a man gets up in one 
 of our Middle West towns, or in any section of 
 this country, except in the heart of the congested 
 districts of our great cities, and begins to whine 
 and howl about men not being able to make a 
 decent living, he gathers around him only the 
 dissolute, and fag end element, in the main, and 
 even they know he is talking through his hat. 
 
 Some philanthropic movement should be, and 
 I would not be surprised if it is, set on foot to 
 scatter and properly distribute the labor now 
 piled up in great cities, put the more industrious 
 on farms and gardens, and thus relieve the 
 glutted condition. The criminal class of our own 
 native growth, and that which has drifted into 
 our centers of population from the lower strata 
 of Europe will be properly handled. It is only 
 a question of time when the doors will be shut 
 against the propagation of that class, by legal 
 methods, established for the sterilization of all the 
 criminal and vagrant elements. I look to see 
 the time, Mike, when chaps, such as your pard 
 has been, will be arrested and made to work and
 
 214 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 earn an honest living. Industrial farms, and 
 homes will be established, where the vagrant gang 
 will be placed and made to do their part in the 
 industrial affairs of their day and age, and in 
 earning money to support their families. These 
 are desperate remedies, but the conditions are 
 desperate, and no remedies which will advance 
 the best interests of the race at large are too 
 drastic. And especially when it will bring a 
 moral pervert under the reign of law, and very 
 largely abridge the desperate conditions the 
 criminal element is constantly aggravating all 
 over the country. 
 
 I have spoken a number of times about the 
 profligate life so many poor men get into lead- 
 ing. In proportion to their ability to spend, they 
 put more money into the saloon, and questionable 
 amusement resorts, than any other one class. 
 This is because almost everything is trimmed 
 these days with a view to catching their dollars. 
 A lot of idle "sports" get up Sunday shows, 
 Sunday base ball games, Sunday this and Sun- 
 day that. All of it is done with the purpose, 
 under the vest of the promoters, to gather in the 
 shekels of the working class. They cannot catch 
 them through the week. They are too busy. So 
 the Sunday amusement is hatched, not as a phil- 
 anthropic move on the part of the promoters to
 
 THE UNDER PUP 215 
 
 furnish innocent pastime for the laboring people, 
 but for the single, selfish purpose of making 
 money out of them for themselves. Preachers, 
 and everybody else, who feel that even for phys- 
 ical and economic reasons, if for nothing else, 
 Sunday should be made a day of rest, are lam- 
 basted and abused by said promoters as old 
 fogies, religious cranks, goody-goody know- 
 nothings, with plenty of cuss words and billings- 
 gate thrown in. And how they do love the work- 
 ing man and pity him that he can have no recrea- 
 tion and pleasure unless it is arranged for him 
 on Sunday by them. They alone are the friends 
 of the working man. Oh, rats! Just take the 
 dollar proposition out of the game and see how 
 quickly they drop it. Their philanthropy and 
 their love for the working man ends with his 
 money. I used to be a sucker, too, Mike, but I 
 h'ave dropped. If labor will go to saving its 
 money, dollar by dollar, year in and year out, 
 the day will come when it will be respected for 
 its manly worth and not alone for its dollars. 
 It will cease being fleeced by cormorants. I 
 have listened to the gang of dead cold sports 
 curse the preachers and the churches, ever since 
 I was a boy, for their opposition to Sunday dese- 
 cration. Have heard them plead for the working 
 man to have Sunday recreation. I thought for
 
 216 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 years they really loved him and were looking out 
 for his good. But what they were actually do- 
 ing was working for a chance to get at his pocket- 
 book and rake in his change. If the working 
 men would tumble to this fact, they would cut out 
 the big Sunday games, and the gang of admiring 
 sports would have to go to honest work or starve. 
 Since I have looked behind the scenes and know 
 the incentive and spirit of the game, this "work- 
 ing man's Sunday" makes me, as the darky says, 
 most bodashusly tired.
 
 TALK TWELVE 
 
 WHEN you come to think of it, Mike, my 
 chances in life are not all lost yet. One of the 
 former western United States Senators was al- 
 most as old as I am when he left his home in 
 the middle states to seek his fortune. When he 
 left he had only twenty cents in his pocket. He 
 reached the far West on the same kind of a 
 train you and I came in on Shank's Express. 
 He didn't have as much money as I have now, 
 and he didn't have the inspiring companionship 
 of even a good dog. Landing in the western 
 metropolis he made a bee line for an old friend 
 and a decent job. He found both, went to work, 
 stayed sober, and kept his eye open to the main 
 chance. Every dollar he made beyond necessary- 
 living expenses he salted down. When he got 
 a bunch of money together he invested it, sold 
 at a profit, and invested again. In ten years he 
 was a rich man, and was elected to a seat in the 
 Senate of the United States. 
 
 I know what I have missed by acting the fool. 
 I did not miss the United States Senate. I am 
 not big enough for the job though confiden- 
 tially, Mike, they have some mighty small steers 
 
 217
 
 218- THE UNDER PUP 
 
 in that round-up but I am big enough to jump 
 the vagrant and booze wagon, get a home and 
 make a decent living. I told Walt Case that 
 if he would give me a chance, I'd do it, and I 
 have never yet broken my word, when given 
 while sober, and I am not going to break it now. 
 I wrote Betty and the girls what I would do. 
 They are ready to come and help me, according 
 to this letter you brought up from the postoffice 
 today. It is wonderful how generous and for- 
 giving a good woman is, anyhow. But I am 
 going to veto that, and do it hard and flat. You 
 see, old man, I am not as sure of myself as I 
 ought to be. I've quit drinking all right, but 
 I wrecked my home once, and now I am going 
 to be dead sure I can stay quit before I start 
 in again. Betty is too good a woman to fool 
 twice, and I am mighty certain I am not going 
 to take any blind chances the second time, for 
 her sake, and for the sake of the children. Just 
 as I told you the other night, I've no kick com- 
 ing against the government. I've none against 
 society it kicked me out and had a right to 
 was a fool for not kicking harder and quicker 
 than it did I've no kick coming against Betty. 
 She stuck to me long after I was a disgrace to 
 my name, and nothing but a nightmare to her. 
 I've no kick against capitalists. Walt Case is
 
 THE UNDER PUP 219 
 
 the only one I ever knew intimately, and he is 
 the whitest, and most decently generous, friend 
 any man ever had. I've no kick coming against 
 economic and industrial conditions, as I alone 
 am to blame for letting booze and vagrancy de- 
 stroy my manhood, steal my money and turn me 
 into a shirking, drinking, begging bum. I know 
 this is true, Mike, because every one of the men 
 who worked with me fifteen years ago and con- 
 trolled his appetite is today a home owner, mak- 
 ing a good living, or has grown fairly well off. 
 Every one who is yet without a home, and ac- 
 tually living from hand to mouth, either fought 
 booze the same as I did, spent his money for 
 luxuries he could not afford, neglected his work, 
 was too lazy to try to advance, or could not 
 save money and wisely invest it, if he had had 
 it and tried. Some had no ambition beyond the 
 day and the hour. 
 
 I've had a lot of experience, Mike experience 
 that most men escape. My experience has lifted 
 me clean out of the imaginative and theoretical 
 class. You can spin Utopian yarns to inex- 
 perienced yaps, and they will gulp them down 
 and accept them without question. I know 
 better. I've been through the mill. Theory is 
 all right in the abstract, but when it contradicts 
 experience it leaks. When hair brained theorists
 
 220 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 get to telling that if booze was sold at cost, and 
 was pure, and so free that anybody could get it, 
 men would quit drinking, and drunkenness would 
 die out, I know they are either lying or dream- 
 ing and, as like as not, doing a little of both. 
 It is not a fact that because there are saloons 
 in existence with men behind the bar urging 
 people to drink, that the world is filled with 
 drunkards. I never had a saloon owner, or a 
 bartender, insist on me drinking, or urge me to 
 patronize the trade. I've had a good many more 
 of them kick me out of their joints because I 
 was drunk and wanted more. The fact in the 
 case is, that one man who likes the stuff, or a 
 number of them, who do, get together, get to 
 drinking and urge other fellows that do not 
 drink, to "just taste it;" and little by little, a 
 fellow gets at it himself, and keeps at it, because 
 he likes the taste or the effect of the stuff, till 
 it completely captures his appetite, and he is a 
 gone sucker. If whiskey was cheaper and 
 purer more people would get to drinking, and 
 in the same old way; and when they once form 
 the habit, would drink harder and oftener, be- 
 cause their money would go further in the game. 
 The stuff would be cheaper the taste and effect 
 about the same. Most fellows would stay soused 
 longer
 
 THE UNDER PUP 221 
 
 When some long-haired, crack-brained re- 
 former gets up and goes to lampooning the 
 saloon keeper as the cause of drunkenness, I 
 again know he is on the wrong scent. I know 
 that if I had had gumption enough to have done, 
 ten years ago, what I am doing this winter- 
 just go by the saloon instead of in at the door 
 no one would have bothered me, and I would 
 have remained a sober man. As long as there 
 are enough men who want liquor to drink, a 
 government that will legalize its sale for the 
 revenue it gets out of it, a city made up of a 
 lot of property owners who want to get higher 
 rent out of their buildings than they otherwise 
 could, and as long as a city can make the men 
 with appetites pay the bulk of the improvement 
 taxes, the saloon will stay. No difference what 
 the business is, whether it is banking, saloon 
 keeping, a scavenger department, or whether the 
 business pays much or little, there will be some 
 fellow of the right stripe and size for the job. 
 
 And again, when some soft-nosed bullet be- 
 gins to pull taffy about the most generous, jovial, 
 big-hearted fellows he ever knew, being men who 
 always drink to excess, insisting that one of the 
 reasons they are drinkers, is because they are 
 such "good fellows," and so gloriously generous, 
 they cannot help it, I know he is spoutin' the
 
 222 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 nastiest kind of blue mud. What a chap like 
 that needs is a dose of common sense. I married 
 Betty. I took her from a good home. I solemnly 
 promised, at the "Altar" to love, cherish, protect 
 and keep her, living for her and her alone. I 
 was the father of her children the strong arm, 
 the bread winner of the family. Did I do it? I 
 did not. 
 
 Now, Mike, I ask you you, a dog for lots 
 of dogs have more sense than most men on close 
 moral questions was I generous and big- 
 hearted when I took the money I had promised 
 to earn for Betty and the babies and spent it on 
 my own appetite, and on a lot of saloon loafers 
 and old soaks, and let the family go hungry and 
 half naked? Was I? Or was I just a selfish, 
 cold-hearted, lying brute, to do such a dastardly, 
 heartless thing? Was I? Or was I just a mon- 
 strous irresponsible idiot over whom the family 
 should have had a guardian appointed? Oh, yes, 
 Mike, I laughed and ha ha'd, slapped fellows 
 on the back and spent money like a king. But 
 it was Betty's money, and the babies' money 
 poor little tender, helpless things. And because 
 I spent it, Betty went ragged and the little lips 
 paled with hunger. No, Mike, I was not as 
 big-hearted as a pollywog, nor as generous as 
 a hyena. You can blame the saloon keeper if
 
 THE UNDER PUP 223 
 
 you want to and he is not a saint by a mighty 
 long shot but I blame myself. I was selfish, 
 I was heartless, I was lost to every generous 
 human impulse, or I would have carried the 
 money home where it belonged at least the 
 larger share of it. You can fool a lot of "dead 
 cold sports," the men who make money out of 
 it, and soft-headed yaps, but you cannot fool 
 a kernel that has been crushed in the mill. No, 
 no, Mike, not much. That "jungle" rooster 
 from the stock yards, that Socialist pencil 
 pusher, shed such copious tears over, had a bad 
 start, it is true, but in the end, came a mighty 
 sight nearer needing a first-class cell in the state 
 prison, than a place in the sympathetic hearts 
 of a lot of people who don't know that you can- 
 not change gold into pig iron. When he got 
 out into the country where conditions were 
 healthy, food wholesome and work plenty, what 
 did he drift back into the city for? Did it for 
 the same reason I did. Did it for the same 
 reason every other derelict did, and does. Did 
 it because he had gotten on the hog train, too 
 trifling to work, and too morally weak to stay 
 away from the haunts of vice and the glare of 
 the easy get-rich-quick incandescent. The con- 
 ditions at the stock yards are bad, but under 
 our form of government, you do not have to go
 
 224 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 far to seek the remedy, nor do you have to turn 
 the government over to a gang of dreamers, pro- 
 fessional agitators and irresponsible know- 
 nothings, who have never yet been able to run 
 themselves on a clear track, to find and apply it. 
 Let men of my class, the workers, the under 
 pups, the chaps who are "ground down," stop 
 selling their votes for a drink of liquor, a dollar 
 bill, or for love of some low browed boodling 
 boss, change tactics and only vote at the pri- 
 maries, and at the polls, for men who will openly 
 pledge that corruption, graft and trust protec- 
 tion, must cease, and then see that they carry 
 out their pledges when they get into office, or 
 give them a red hot reception on their return 
 home. Make public officers pander to decency 
 instead of vice. But, Mike, I am almost ashamed 
 to confess to even you a dog that my class, 
 that was, and is the labor element, the unions 
 the fellows that always have been squeezed 
 when highbinders rule cannot, and will not, 
 stick together. Down at Des Moines, Iowa, we 
 met one year, and put up a just judge, an 
 honest and able friend of labor, for Congress, on 
 a distinctively labor ticket. The Democrats who 
 were in the minority, as a party, in the district, 
 unanimously indorsed our man and put their en- 
 tire party machinery in motion to help elect him.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 225 
 
 When election day closed and the votes were 
 counted, the astounding fact was revealed that 
 our fellows had sold out to the opposition. Our 
 labor candidate received just a fraction over the 
 usual Democratic vote, and we were not all 
 Democrats by a thousand miles. The Demo- 
 crats weren't mad, were they, Mike? Maybe 
 not. They have never fooled with the "labor 
 vote" from that day to this; and knowing how 
 "reliable" we are, they just let us alone. And 
 it serves us right. Again, in the presidential 
 campaign of 1908, Samuel Gompers, John 
 Mitchell and other labor leaders, as an authorized 
 committee, went to the National Reublican con- 
 vention, asking that some recognition be ac- 
 corded "Union Labor" in the platform. They 
 were turned down cold. They then went to 
 Denver to the Democratic National convention. 
 The Democrats gave them a cordial reception, 
 granted their prayer, and their demands were 
 put in the platform. A "Man of the People" 
 with a big P, was nominated, and the campaign 
 opened. The National Committee opened its 
 headquarters in Chicago with a "Labor Depart- 
 ment" which was to literally tear the earth 
 and I reckon it did, so far as spending money 
 was concerned. Every old, worn out, political 
 "labor hack" in the country with "infloonce" was 
 
 15
 
 226 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 feeding at the trough. The end was, that the 
 big end of the labor vote went to the opposition, 
 and the Democrats were defeated, hands down. 
 Glorious, wasn't it for the Republicans. 
 
 We always have been our own worst enemy; 
 never have been able to stick together except on 
 the "knocker" wagon. The Republicans know 
 they can cajole, buy or scare, us into voting their 
 ticket, without making us any promises, out- 
 side of flamboyant stump speeches; and the 
 Democrats will not likely ever monkey with our 
 pledges again. Both parties have a feeling of 
 contempt for our committee, as both know we 
 are as unreliable as the March winds in politics. 
 Politicians openly claim that it will actually cost 
 less to go into the market and deliberately buy 
 the needed votes. 
 
 The Socialists will have to discover a different 
 kind of political borax to weld us together, from 
 any that labor itself has been able to invent, be- 
 fore it can count on our vote, even after it has 
 captured our promises and our mouths. 
 
 It is a sad old world we are in, Mike you 
 and I and what the Socialists fondly call the 
 "proletariat," is granular instead of solid, and 
 no sort of sticking plaster has yet been found 
 that whiskey, dollar bills, or "a-panic-will-catch- 
 you" threat, won't blow into everlasting smith-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 227 
 
 ereens, between sunup and sundown, on the day 
 of election. It is not because labor is ignorant, 
 for it is not. It is not because it is inherently 
 corrupt. No, not that. But it is because well, 
 just because it is granular, and won't stick to- 
 gether. That's all. Take the Socialists. After 
 they had nominated Eugene Debs for presi- 
 dent by the referendum route, it took several 
 days of the scrappiest kind of a cat and dog 
 time to get a platform on which all could agree ; 
 and then, most of real Socialism had to be left 
 out, because they were afraid to put it in, or 
 could not agree on the details. Take, for instance, 
 the religious question which came up before their 
 convention in 1908. But the danger, in my 
 judgment, Mike, does not promise to come from 
 Socialism as a growing political power. The 
 party will never get strong enough to elect a 
 President. It may elect a member of Congress 
 here and there, but no more. It will never elect 
 a governor of a state, nor have a majority of 
 any state legislature. The theories of Socialism 
 are so palpably impractical, its economic dogma 
 so absurd and unsound, its ethical and religious 
 ideas so violent and demoralizing, its notion of 
 the relation of the sexes and the institution of 
 marriage, so utterly degrading, and its revolu- 
 tionary tendencies so out of tune with the trend
 
 228 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 of modern thought, that, outside of derelicts and 
 dreamers, and the professional agitator, there 
 will never be a large per cent of average Ameri- 
 cans espouse its cause. And most of the natural- 
 ized, foreign-born population are as sceptical and 
 skittish as the native Americans. 
 
 The danger of Socialism lies in an entirely 
 different direction. Its blatant demagoguery 
 and dogmatism on the capitalistic question, its 
 appeal to the class conscious spirit, its effort to 
 stir up class hatred, with its consequent bitter 
 denunciation of the men who are at the head of 
 the great industrial enterprises and commercial 
 affairs of the country, are liable to result in the 
 creation of another "French Revolution," not 
 only in France, but all over the civilized world. 
 There can be but one result in such event, and 
 that will be riot and bloodshed and utter destruc- 
 tion, with such a reign of terror as the world 
 never saw. , 
 
 There is only one thing the rabble and crim- 
 inal classes ever have been able to stick together 
 in, and that has been in pillage and violence. 
 Even in that, when the end came, the more 
 vicious turned to rending each other. 
 
 Now, I do not say this will be the inevitable 
 outcome of the present agitation, but I do say 
 it is much more likely to occur than the sleepy,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 229 
 
 drowsy masses of organized society are ready to 
 see or admit. Socialism is not a constructive 
 force. Its leaders cannot agree on the details 
 of socialistic principles in their application to 
 the formation of an orderly and systematically 
 organized government. All the elements of 
 constructive genius seem to be lacking among 
 them. A commonwealth without law, without 
 a law-making body, without courts and legal 
 machinery, without repressive control over its 
 turbulent forces, without restrictive measures, 
 and the necessary, legal and organized force to 
 execute them, would be simply an unorganized, 
 disintegrating mob. Its chart and compass 
 would always be the whims and passions of the 
 hour, and its progress the progress of the In- 
 dian, the Hottentot and the Fiji Islanders, 
 in their raw, barbarous state. For you must re- 
 member, Mike, that with all the laws and legal 
 machinery the civilized world now has in com- 
 mission, it is impossible to stop such wild turbu- 
 lent outbreaks as periodically occur. 
 
 Occasionally, Socialism has had an oppor- 
 tunity, in a small way, to show the nature of its 
 genius to show in miniature what it would be 
 on a large scale. Mystic, Iowa, was completely 
 controlled a few years ago by the Socialists. 
 The old parties which had run the municipality
 
 380 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 \p 
 
 for years were considered so inordinately cor* 
 rupt that the people turned in sheer desperation 
 to the Socialists. The result was that every 
 municipal office was given to a Socialist, and the 
 party started in to show the world about what 
 wonderful things Socialism could do when it 
 turned itself loose. And it most certainly did. 
 By the time the two years' term for which the 
 party had been placed in power was up, the 
 organization had split wide open, the town was 
 next to bankrupt, and the people, having had 
 all the Socialism in practical operation they 
 could stomach, went to the polls and swept them 
 off of the political map. 
 
 Milwaukee, Wisconsin, has been heralded as 
 the one, first American city Socialism is to clean 
 up. They were going to do wonders in the way 
 of civic reform, and the papers have been full 
 of all the wholesome things that would be accom- 
 plished for the moral, industrial and social uplift 
 of the people. A year ago an election was held 
 affecting the educational interests of the city 
 members of the school board, who will control the 
 schools and general educational interests of the 
 young, were to be elected. Evidently Socialism 
 has, as usual, "been weighed in the balance and 
 found wanting," as unusual incidents attended 
 the election. The mothers the women of the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 231 
 
 city who are most deeply interested in the 
 proper management of the educational affairs, 
 went to the polls and cast their votes against the 
 Socialist candidates routing them "foot, horse 
 and dragons." As usual, like old time populists, 
 they are great reformers with their mouths. I 
 tell you, Mike, Socialism is a mere wind- jamming 
 incompetent. When I was a boy, I concluded, 
 as most boys do, that I would take my watch 
 apart, clean it, oil it, and put it together again. 
 I had several unnecessary wheels in the final 
 round-up, and the watch refused to run. When 
 I took all I had to the watchmender, he showed 
 me where I had injured several of the wheels, 
 and I had to get an entirely new watch, or go 
 without one altogether. 
 
 Socialism, in control of a -city, a state or a 
 nation, will do what I did to my watch com- 
 pletely disarrange, or cripple it, in time. Social- 
 ists, in their efforts to conduct the affairs of 
 state, will be no less honest and confident than 
 I was trying to be in mending my watch. It is 
 not a question of honesty. It is one of mental 
 capacity; and, as I said before, boys and Social- 
 ists are a great deal alike. 
 
 In our travels around the country, Mike, you 
 and I did not associate with the high and mighty. 
 We did not loaf in the first-class offices and club
 
 232 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 rooms up town. Our associations were with the 
 park loafers, the hoboes, the saloon crowd and 
 the commoner and rougher elements. The reg- 
 ular conversation was about the idle rich, the 
 capitalists and the trusts, with frequent slams 
 at the men who make our laws. 
 
 We loaded up on booze every time we had a 
 chance and then lit into the rich oppressors at 
 the head of great corporations with bare hands. 
 We insisted that they were getting richer every 
 day, while we were getting poorer; and in both 
 we were right. We claimed that it was the 
 capitalist that made us poor. In that we were 
 right again. We held that the capitalists were 
 doing us up, but all the time, Mike, we laid the 
 blame on the wrong gang of capitalists. There 
 were two breeds we were dealing with. One was 
 the crowd at the head of the great industries, 
 who, when our work was done, paid us hard, 
 cold cash, with which we could buy food and 
 clothing for the family, on which all could live 
 in health and comfort. The other was the crowd 
 that made the booze, sold it to us at three to 
 five hundred per cent profit, and gave us what? 
 Gave us neglected families, hungry children, 
 broken-hearted wives, poor credit, run down 
 homes, wrecked lives. We cursed the other class, 
 but we supported these last fellows without a
 
 THE UNDER PUP 233 
 
 murmur. If anybody wanted to interfere with 
 their business, we defended them both with our 
 voice and vote; and were loyal to them to the 
 extent of going on the witness stand and swear- 
 ing any old way they wanted us to, to protect 
 and defend their interests. If Socialists were 
 as thick in other walks of life as they were where 
 our gang congregated, they would carry this 
 country with a whoop. But they are not, Mike, 
 and there's the rub. The meanest scrap I ever 
 got into with any man, was when I insisted that 
 we were not getting poorer all the time because 
 the industrial capitalists had made conditions 
 purposely oppressive; that, in my judgment, 
 they had not, because trade conditions were 
 often as hard against them as wage conditions 
 were against us; that one of the chief sources 
 of our impoverished condition was that we were 
 taking bread out of the mouths of our families, 
 shoes off of their feet, clothing off of their backs, 
 and a good roof from over their heads, to run to 
 the saloons, to fill our stomachs with booze, and 
 the coffers of the millionaire brewers and dis- 
 tillers, with still more gold. I told him we cussed 
 the wrong gang of "Capitalistic Oppressors," 
 and then the war began. I was as right as right 
 can be; but in that instance, Mike, I could talk 
 harder than I could hit. I'd make a good
 
 284 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Socialist, Mike. My tongue, any time, is keener 
 than my sword. 
 
 One reason many of the laboring class have 
 never saved money is largely because no one has 
 ever taught them the value of systematic saving. 
 Nor have they learned how quickly a few pennies 
 a day, or a few dollars a month, will run up into 
 a neat sum. Nor have they ever stopped to 
 think how a savings account in a bank, or a 
 building and loan, stiffens a fellow's backbone, 
 and gives him standing and credit among his 
 neighbors, and at places where he trades. 
 
 President J. H. Worst of the North Dakota 
 Agricultural College at Fargo, was given leave 
 of absence to visit some of the countries of 
 Europe to study agricultural and industrial con- 
 ditions, a few years ago. On his return he gave 
 the results of his observations touching the in- 
 dustrial conditions in the province of Grononing, 
 Holland. His articles were published in a local 
 paper. His statement was that the progressive 
 farmers of that province, organized a series of 
 saving banks in which amounts from one penny 
 up could be deposited on account, on which three 
 per cent interest was allowed. No officer of the 
 bank received any salary. The banks were open 
 on every pay day, and a systematic effort made 
 to get workingmen to deposit the amount in the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 235 
 
 bank "they were accustomed to spend for gin." 
 When a depositor had an account equal in 
 amount to one-half of what it would cost to 
 build a home, the bank would loan him enough 
 to erect his home at an annual interest of four 
 per cent. The result, President Worst says, was 
 that workingmen began saving, and at the time 
 of his visit, ninety per cent of the gin drinking 
 among the laboring people had ceased; and the 
 working people had mostly secured homes, while 
 the habit of saving had grown, till the province 
 was one of the most prosperous in the Kingdom 
 of Holland. In many instances a working man 
 and working girl, engaged to be married, united 
 in saving till the home was built, and then mar- 
 ried and moved in as proud as monarchs. 
 
 Now, Mike, if I had only saved $1 each week 
 since I earned my first week's wages, or put into 
 a building and loan the money I spent for booze 
 yes one-half of the money, or even one-fourth 
 up to the present time, I'd be way up in G. 
 
 There are four million laboring men and 
 women in the United States tonight who could 
 save, if they were taught how, one to three dol- 
 lars each week. That, at the minimum, would 
 be $4,000,000 per week, or over $200,000,000 
 each year. In twenty-five years the laboring 
 jneja and women of today could be, with proper
 
 236 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 organization, the wealthiest corporation the 
 world ever saw. Could have their own factories 
 and make their own markets. Co-operative 
 work of this kind would revolutionize the entire 
 economic and industrial system. And there is 
 no question but men would come up among them 
 who could control the entire affair honestly and 
 successfully. You and I will try it on a small 
 scale. Sure, and it is worth trying. Will pay 
 and pay big.
 
 TALK THIRTEEN 
 
 THIS is a funny old world you and I have 
 been dumped into, Mike. Since I can remember, 
 till within a very few years, ninety-five per cent 
 of the people acted in politics, purely from the 
 standpoint of party. Twenty years ago it was 
 the boast of the average citizen that he would 
 "vote for a yaller dog" on his party ticket before 
 he would support a reputable candidate of the 
 opposition. Now, a mighty sight of them have 
 painfully awakened to the fact, that the trouble 
 with the country is, they have been electing en- 
 tirely too many "yalleT dogs." When a govern- 
 ment is organized on the basis of popular sover- 
 eignty "For the people, of the people, and by 
 the people" the people must work at it night 
 and day or it will slip out of their hands. 
 Sportsmen, trimmers, predatory interests, self 
 seekers of all classes know only the politics of 
 dollars and spoils. Take the utility corporations 
 of some one of our great cities. They are for 
 the party only which they can control. If the 
 Democratic party is for them, they are for the 
 success of the Democratic party. If the next 
 year the people control the Democratic party 
 and the Republican party looks the more sub- 
 
 237
 
 238 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 servient, they immediately turn Republican. 
 All the time, Mike, they are for themselves. 
 This has been equally true of political action in 
 the county, the state and the nation. The diffi- 
 culty in the United States for the last half cen- 
 tury, until recently, has been that in a very large 
 sense, the population has been almost equally 
 divided on lines of party sentiment. You could 
 go into any community in any section of the 
 country, line up the people and be able to tell 
 years ahead, exactly which party ticket they 
 would vote (and vote it without a scratch) 
 regardless of any interest involved, what was in 
 the platform, or who was nominated for office. 
 The predatory and self-seeking classes who, in- 
 spired by appetite and avarice, never slept, were 
 constantly counting noses and keeping tab. 
 They knew who could be cajoled, who could be 
 bought, who could be coerced. They let the 
 people make the platforms. They selected the 
 nominees. The people were strong on plat- 
 forms. They had to be "according to Hoyle," 
 lest the world should come to an end. And the 
 nominees, they had to be faithful, unbending 
 party men. If, as often happened, a few enig- 
 matical sentences were slipped into the platform 
 that looked a little skittish on vital points, they 
 squirmed and "grouched" and swore around for
 
 THE UNDER PUP 239 
 
 awhile, arose in their righteous wrath, shook 
 their fists, spat and jumped on the platform with 
 both heels, but being "strict, consistent party 
 men," finally surrendered, and voted the ticket 
 straight. Evils and inequalities resulted by such 
 procedure, of course. How could they be helped? 
 I have seen a city, a county, a state, sold out 
 the most valuable franchises and subsidies given 
 away "free, gratis, for nothing" have seen 
 the people robbed right and left, and scandals 
 result that stunk to heaven, and the very next 
 election the same party continued in power. But, 
 Mike, mind you, a different set of pettifogging 
 attorneys and back-country Rubes were on the 
 ticket. Men would growl, and grumble, and 
 kick, and swear it was time to wring the party's 
 neck and sling it over the fence, flirt and get 
 friendly with the opposition, and on election day 
 go to the polls and from sheer imbecile habit 
 and party bigotry vote the same old way. But 
 the minority party deserved the disappointment 
 which covered it in sackcloth and ashes. Honest 
 men sincere and patriotic men had stood by it 
 in all the years of defeat. They had, in their 
 protest against evil, and in their loyalty to jus- 
 tice, campaigned year after year at their own 
 expense ; had, as a matter of duty, run for office 
 only to go down in sure defeat again and again.
 
 240 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 "This auspicious year," however, every one of 
 them was sidetracked. "Honorables," "Judges," 
 "Colonels" and "prominent citizens," who had 
 hardly attended a party caucus for years, and 
 who had seldom been heard on the stump, but 
 who had kept "regular" in anticipation of just 
 such an event, jumped in, shouldered everybody 
 else aside, grabbed the nominations, shouted 
 patriotism, civic honesty, love for the dear, de- 
 ceived, defrauded people, and at the polls got 
 what they richly deserved the most artistic and 
 decorative trimming of their measly lives. The 
 whole thing, on the one side, was slavery to the 
 party idea; on the other, party activity for per- 
 sonal interest and personal advancement. Where 
 was patriotism all this time, Mike? I think it 
 was in the cyclone cellar. Sometimes it hap- 
 pened that he minority party slipped into power 
 on such occasions. Only a little while under the 
 new regime, and it developed that the election 
 had only pulled one gang of public utility and 
 corporation lackeys and attorneys away from the 
 public trough to make room for another equally 
 as bad. 
 
 By and by, a few hard-headed chaps began to 
 say, "It is not the party that is corrupt. It is 
 the gang we have allowed to run it. The great 
 mass of men, in all parties, are both honest and
 
 THE UNDER PUP 241 
 
 patriotic. An honest platform with a set of dis- 
 honest candidates is a bad mix. Let's take hold 
 and see that honest men are nominated to office 
 men not tied to the tail of any corporate or 
 predatory kite. If a trickster or a doubtful 
 character gets on our ticket, let's say nothing 
 out loud just go to the polls, and vote for the 
 more honest man of the opposition." And, Mike, 
 in a few instances they actually had the courage 
 of their convictions and did it. It worked so well 
 that the idea spread and spread, till, after clean- 
 ing up a number of Western states, unhorsing a 
 lot of bribe-giving, public-looting, state-con- 
 trolling interests, it has reached congress and 
 the United States senate; and the guardians of 
 predatory combinations and subsidiary bucca- 
 neering are giving way to representatives of the 
 common welfare. 
 
 Today the "balance of power" is in the hands 
 of the unselfish, non-office seeking, patriotic, 
 "vest pocket" voters the men who can see an 
 honest candidate a good deal farther than they 
 can a party platform. And their number is con- 
 stantly being augmented. It is not a reform, 
 Mike; it is a revolution a revolution from 
 bigoted partyism to broad-gauged but intensive 
 patriotism. The men who are at the head of 
 this movement are the exact opposite, in every 
 
 is
 
 242 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 fiber of their citizenship, of that of the aver- 
 age Socialist. They are not "class conscious." 
 They are not "capitalistic" toadies. They do not 
 care how much money, or how little, a man has. 
 They gauge him by what he is, and what he does. 
 They are not opposed in any sense to great com- 
 binations of capital. They know that great in- 
 dustries, great utilities and great improvements, 
 can be carried on only by great wealth. What 
 they do insist on, however, is that these great 
 combinations shall confine their activities to the 
 department of industry and commerce, and re- 
 main strictly out of self-seeking politics. They 
 insist that the government shall regulate all in- 
 dustrial and commercial interests, instead ofS| 
 commercial and industrial interests combining to 
 regulate the government. They believe this is 
 a government of the people. That if it is not; 
 run on the plane of equal and exact justice to all, 
 it is the fault of the people themselves, as they * 
 the people have in their hands, as a constitu- 
 tional duty, to nominate and elect legislative 
 officers in the nation, from the ward alderman to 
 the United States senator, and every executive 
 officer, from the township constable to the presi- 
 3ent. What they insist on is that the people 
 shall exercise the right and engage in the duty of 
 unhorsing the heeler and the spoilsman anc|
 
 THE UNDER PUP 243 
 
 placing honest, unselfish, patriotic men on guard. 
 They insist that there are high-class, unpurchase- 
 able men in the country, in plenty, who will ac- 
 cept office solely to work for the general good. 
 And so far, in the movement, results are abun- 
 dantly justifying their judgment. 
 
 But they also know that occasionally they will 
 be deceived in the character of the men they elect. 
 To eliminate them as soon as discovered they 
 are having a governmental provision known as 
 "the recall," incorporated in the laws of the 
 various states, under which they can get at the 
 traitors, and vote them out of office. The people 
 elect officers, and are reserving power to them- 
 selves to "unelect" them. They emphatically 
 refuse to be fooled and robbed any longer. In 
 a government of the people, all laws should origi- 
 nate with the people and be framed in the in- 
 terest of the people. Any law, the operative 
 effect of which favors one class of citizens at the 
 expense, and to the injury of another class, is 
 clearly unjust. Class laws in a government of 
 the people are clearly unconstitutional. Officers 
 elected under a government of the people, whose 
 official acts are arbitrarily in the interest of the 
 few, as against that of the many, are derelict and 
 traitorous, and should be summarily recalled. 
 No man should be larger than the best interests 
 of the country.
 
 244 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 The remedy for corrupt, machine-made nomi- 
 nations for office, is the open primary in 
 which all the people vote; for corrupt elec- 
 tions, the secret ballot, the self -tabulating, self- 
 locking, government-owned voting machine; 
 for oppressive and unjust laws, the referendum; 
 for unfaithful officials, the recall ; for compelling 
 reactionary legislators to enact equalizing and 
 progressive laws, the initiative; for unjust labor 
 conditions, for conflicts between capital and 
 labor, a central governmental appointed arbi- 
 tration board, appointed for life but subject to 
 the common law of popular recall; for vicious 
 trust officials and trade discriminators, penal 
 servitude; for throttling competition in trade, 
 the same; for confirmed inebriates, the chronic 
 criminal class, and the mentally deficient, steri- 
 lization; for the tramps, derelicts and all the 
 vagrant class, enforced labor at just wages 
 wages to go to the support of their families, when 
 married when not married, set aside for periods 
 of illness and old age; for surplus incomes, a 
 graduated income tax; for middlemen, commis- 
 sion merchants, honesty or a change of business ; 
 for chattel mortgage sharks, the penitentiary; 
 for "class conscious" Socialists, more work with 
 their hands and labor tools, and less with their 
 jaws; for our "infant industries," less protection 
 for them and more justice for the people.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 245 
 
 You see, Mike, this is reform along constitu- 
 tional and constructive lines, and the reforms are 
 to be inaugurated all over Jhe nation, as they 
 have been and are being in the West, without 
 social and political upheaval; also within estab- 
 lished party lines. A new party is not needed 
 to bring them about just a scraping off of the 
 old barnacles and the injection of new, honest, 
 normal, red, human blood. The Socialist will 
 insist that the initiative, the referendum and re- 
 call are Socialist inventions. I do not believe 
 it. But if they are they are the only things in 
 the range of Socialistic creation worth two 
 whoops in a snowstorm. All the rest is destruc- 
 tive and revolutionary. That has been the trou- 
 ble with all revolutionary movements that start 
 up without the genius of a prudent, practical, 
 constructive leadership. 
 
 I can remember when Populism swept over 
 the West. It was the child of dissatisfaction. 
 Conditions were bad. The great unanalyzing, 
 unthinking mass, dissatisfied with both the re- 
 publican and democratic parties not stopping 
 to consider that it was the headlong partisan way 
 they themselves had been voting which had cre- 
 ated the conditions they were cursing not open- 
 ing their eyes to the fact that, by staying where 
 they were, forcing demands for needed reform
 
 246 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 into their old party platforms, and by nominat- 
 ing and electing new and more patriotic men to 
 office, the true interests of the country would 
 be the better served, they just let all holds go 
 and, "madder than setting hens," dropped over 
 into the Pop party, an unorganized, super- 
 excited, unsystematized mob. Everybody was a 
 political economist, an orator and a candidate 
 for office. I know, for I was in it myself, Mike. 
 Populism had some good things in its platform, 
 but they were overshadowed by so many that 
 were radical, impractical and ultra revolution- 
 ary, that the sober sense of the great thinking 
 mass rebelled and the party went to pieces. But, 
 Mike, there was hardly a sound demand in the 
 Populist platform, that has not since been taken 
 up, by one or the other of the old parties, and 
 crystalized into law, or will be inside of ten years 
 from today. 
 
 Populism was not a constructive movement. 
 It was a pioneer. Its business was to tear down. 
 It was as incapable of building as a ten-year-old 
 boy. In this one respect it was like Socialism. 
 Socialists are unanimous as to what in human 
 affairs should be ripped up by the roots and 
 that includes not only nearly everything in gov- 
 ernment, but the government itself so far as 
 chin music, mongrel missionary leaflets and a
 
 THE UNDER PUP 247 
 
 wild, imprudent press is concerned, the work is 
 being done right along I mean the work of 
 tearing down. But when it comes to a construc- 
 tive program the party masses are about as har- 
 monious as a pen full of Kilkenny cats. 
 
 There is not a single announced principle of 
 reform in the entire Socialist program that is 
 of statesman size, of sound economic quality, of 
 substantial value in political economy, or that 
 would not prove detrimental to the highest in- 
 terests of civilized life, that was not stolen bodily 
 from ideas which underlie the very foundation 
 of our American governmental plan. But there 
 is so much that is radical, revolutionary, unsound 
 and actually villainous and crime engendering, 
 that means should be placed within reach of 
 every man with a constitutional right to vote, to 
 actually pound into his gray matter full 
 knowledge of its vicious tendency. Every man 
 should be encouraged to make a careful study 
 of the personnel of the great body of voting 
 "Comrades" now enlisted, and determine from 
 their intelligence, their social and business stand- 
 ing, their patriotism and their moral prudence, 
 as to whether they are men who would be safer 
 hitched up as leaders or tied on behind. If they 
 stand the test of patriotic examination, let them 
 lead. If they are safer and society is safer by the
 
 248 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 act, better tie them up. But sample their fodder 
 before you put it in the rack. 
 
 But Socialism is always talking about better- 
 ing human conditions, about Utopia, about the 
 wisdom and plenty that shall go hand in hand 
 through the earth. If I am not mistaken that 
 is about the taffy the Old Scratch handed to 
 Mother Eve in Eden. She took it, and he "got 
 her goat." Then Adam's appetite got the best 
 of him, and down he went. It is commonly held 
 that Eve seduced Adam, but, Mike, I am in- 
 clined to think that Adam himself was a good 
 deal of a sardine, on general principles, or he 
 would have been somewhere around the premises, 
 when the devil was on deck, to protect Eve and 
 keep her from falling. 
 
 That sort of talk has been put up by every 
 tyrant on earth, when fishing for suckers. It 
 was the talk in trade of Rosseau, Robespierre and 
 the French revolutionists. It is the gab at the 
 tip end of every tongue whose owner has an axe 
 to grind. So don't let us be fooled by the propa- 
 ganda twaddle they put out to lure the inno- 
 cent. Oh yes, I know there are some mighty 
 fine people, tinctured with Socialistic theory, all 
 over the country. Some are preachers, some law- 
 yers, some newspaper men, some of every sort. 
 Very few of that class vote the Socialist ticket,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 249 
 
 Mike. Most of them are dreamers, sentimen- 
 talists or men who have the habit of chasing rain- 
 bows, with their heads up in the air. Nine out 
 of every ten of them, if they will critically study 
 Socialist authors, the men who will be the "power 
 behind the throne" when Socialism gets where it 
 means political office, such as George D. Herron, 
 Hilquitt, Victor L. Berger, Editor of the 
 Appeal to Reason, Charles W. Kerr, as well as 
 Marx, Bax, Engles, Bebel, etc., will drop it 
 like a Mexican kid does a tarantula. They only 
 read the idealistic side the Socialists' picture 
 side. Let them examine the "tools" once, and 
 they will drop it. 
 
 If I had any influence, I would urge every 
 American priest and preacher, every one who 
 stands in the pulpit to preach "Peace on earth 
 and good will to men," to study Socialism. Not 
 only read the mouthings of Socialists on eco- 
 nomic questions, but the entire theory of Social- 
 ism, covering its religious and ethical phases, as 
 well as its immoral and revolutionary tendencies 
 among the lower classes, who, though poisoned 
 with it, may never openly espouse its cause. They 
 owe it to the age in which they live, owe it to the 
 people to whom they minister, owe it to the Mas- 
 ter they are sworn to serve, owe it to themselves, 
 to learn what it is learn that it threatens not
 
 250 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 only the most sacred institutions of our social 
 and religious fabric, but the peace, the security 
 and the very foundations of civilized society. 
 Learn that instead of appealing to the highest 
 and best in men, it appeals to the lowest and 
 worst. Learn that instead of bringing in an 
 age of Utopia, it will simply unlid the under- 
 world. It was conceived in iniquity and class 
 hatred, and, if brought forth at all, will be 
 brought forth in revolution and blood, and end 
 in anarchy and destruction. Study it without 
 prejudice, but study it to learn the truth, as 
 to what it is and what it will do. 
 
 There are several reasons why the clergy 
 should be interested in the study of Socialism. 
 The first of importance is, being public teachers 
 who, in a peculiar sense, are moulders and direc- 
 tors of public opinion whose special care is the 
 moral and spiritual welfare of those to whom 
 they minister. They should be qualified to point 
 out its errors and dangers. Socialism, be it re- 
 membered, is not a political party, seeking to 
 control the government on purely economic and 
 political lines. It is a revolutionary movement, 
 seeking to gain control of the machinery of gov- 
 ernment, that it may change our entire economic, 
 social, civil, religious and ethical system. It 
 proposes to overthrow our governmental forms,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 251 
 
 reconstruct our social and domestic code, twist 
 the institution of marriage from its moorings, 
 and turn the current of sex association in the di- 
 rection of free love, and exalt the dogma of 
 materialism as the full consequence of the newly 
 inaugurated "civilization." The clergyman who 
 is not vitally interested in the study of Socialism, 
 does not familiarize himself with its teachings 
 and warn his people against its insidious growth 
 in their midst, is, to say the least, indifferent to 
 the high character of his calling. I know very 
 well, Mike, that there is a class of latter-day poli- 
 ticians who raise their hands in holy horror when 
 preachers mix in politics. But when it comes 
 to an unskinned skunk, like Socialism, there is 
 so much more involved in the matter than mere 
 "politics," that the constitutional prerogative of 
 the man, as well as the sacred obligations of his 
 vows, call his best powers into action. In the 
 highest and best sense, the preacher of righteous- 
 ness is set for the defense of the family, the 
 church, the education of the young, the ending 
 of war and bloodshed, and, as well, a government 
 of law, order and public safety. But he is inter- 
 ested from another and almost equally vital 
 standpoint the preservation and peace of the 
 church itself. The establishment of Socialism 
 will mean, according to the teaching of all sects
 
 252 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 of the cult, a "Socialist or Industrial Common- 
 wealth," in which land, all capital wealth, 
 all the means of production and distribu- 
 tion, will fall into the ownership and be- 
 come the function of the public. All private 
 ownership being destroyed, there will be no bar- 
 ter nor trade, no money (medium of exchange), 
 as we now understand it. Every house erected 
 must be built by the "State." Every particle of 
 foodstuff, of clothing and, in short, everything 
 used, from a pin to an ostrich plume, and from 
 a nail to a printing press, will be owned by the 
 public. The man, woman or child who gets a 
 mouthful of food, a handkerchief, parasol or a 
 suit of clothing, must get it from the general 
 supply committee. Now the "State" must build 
 your house or you cannot have a place in which 
 to live. It must also build for Jones, Smith, 
 Brown, Miller, et al. It cannot afford to build 
 you a better house, Mr. Smith, than it builds 
 for everybody else. If it allows individual taste 
 to step in and dictate, then individualism begins 
 and Socialism starts for the final end. So, I 
 reckon, Mike, all the houses, to save peace, and 
 avoid jealousies and hinder strife, will have to 
 be built just alike, sort of coal miner, beegum 
 style. 
 
 But there will likely be a half dozen denomi-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 253 
 
 nations wanting churches erected. Some of them 
 are small in number, some large. No one can 
 design and build these churches but the Com- 
 monwealth. Now, suppose the directing board 
 should make a difference in the size, and costli- 
 ness of the churches one denomination getting 
 a big advantage over another? Be trouble again, 
 wouldn't there, pard? Well, I sort of guess. 
 There would be enough religious bickering, and 
 political hair pulling along about the next refer- 
 endum, to turn Tammany Hall green with envy. 
 But suppose the governing board should take it 
 into its noddle, or noddles, to erect one church 
 building and allow the brethren to divide time? 
 Who would decide which denomination should 
 occupy which Sunday ? And if there were more 
 churches than Sundays, then what? Well, Mike, 
 any man who has been a member of a church 
 choir the war department of the militant king- 
 dom will have some meager notion as to about 
 what the wild waves will say, in the neighborhood 
 of that day and hour. A thing of that kind, 
 Mike, would form a serious problem, and one 
 which, from the very fact that it touches the 
 deepest well of the human soul and reaches the 
 vital forces of social and religious life, is a dan- 
 ger that is not so entirely remote, as not to 
 awaken grave concern in the minds of thoughtful
 
 254 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 men, should Socialism become ascendent in 
 human affairs. 
 
 Not only is there danger at one point, but at 
 every turn in the road. All men know the dan- 
 ger to the moral nature of children, taken from 
 under an affectionate and watchful mother's 
 care, and turned over to public institutions to be 
 reared in bunches and herds. All know the in- 
 difference of public wardens and teachers, to 
 say nothing of the frequent charges of brutal 
 conduct towards those under their control, even 
 now, when there are repressive laws embracing 
 severe penalties, for neglect and inhuman treat- 
 ment. 
 
 All know that Billy Bruiser does care for a 
 weakly and worn out wife now, for the sake of 
 the children, his moderately respectable name, 
 and through force of legal enactments. Under 
 Socialism there would be the absence of all these 
 restraining and helpful influences, and as the 
 tendency will be in the direction of free love 
 and "soul affinity," Bill and Miss Flip would 
 be free to follow their own sweet course, without 
 fear of prosecution or public disgrace. And, as 
 I have said before, Mike, there is not a thing in 
 Socialism that is not as much against the work- 
 ing man with a small home, and small means, as 
 there is against the man with larger possessions!
 
 THE UNDER PUP 255 
 
 and full, larger hopes. It will take from him 
 his children, his home and all the hope he ever 
 had of personal liberty, personal achievement, 
 and personal benefit through personal achieve- 
 ment. I have no home now, Mike, as you know, 
 but I have resolved to have one, if industry and 
 saving effort will bring it. I have been a brute 
 to my family and know it, but if I get them 
 back and get that home, if it is only a cabin 
 in these mountains, I would fight to the last 
 ruby drop, to keep my babies from a community 
 house, and my home, humble and mean though it 
 be, from being confiscated into other and alien 
 hands, and Betty and I set adrift to be ordered 
 about like cattle as to where we were to work, 
 what we should wear and in what community 
 we should live. It may look easy and Utopian, 
 to a feather-edged dreamer, or a flax-brained 
 agitator who has no homing instinct; but to a 
 man who had a home, lost it and knows the dif- 
 ference, Mike, it is not a "holiday picnic" feeling 
 to contemplate. 
 
 It is one of the known facts all through his- 
 tory, that what is everybody's business is no- 
 body's business. In all public work constant 
 vigilance has had to be exercised, and then steal- 
 ing and inferior work have been altogether too 
 frequent. Socialism insists that when all profit
 
 256 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 is eliminated and every man is assured of plenty, 
 there will be no motive left to defraud. It seems, 
 according to the charges brought against the 
 capitalistic class, by Socialists themselves, that 
 the more a man has now the more inclined he is 
 to rob somebody, to get more and more. Will 
 the mere fact that everybody has plenty, under 
 any system, Socialist or what not, change inher- 
 ent human nature? Besides, it is a common fact 
 in human conduct, that unless driven by neces- 
 sity, or forced by law, a very large part of the 
 population refuse, or neglect, to do their just por- 
 tion of necessary labor, both for public improve- 
 ment and private need. Suppose Socialism does 
 not change this disposition in men and the great 
 body of "Comrades," who are only fitted for 
 manual toil, get it into their heads that the other 
 crowd must get down and do digging and ditch- 
 ing and plowing and grubbing. Then suppose 
 the other class, not knowing how, not having any 
 disposition to do rough, hard physical toil, re- 
 fuse. Then what? You can answer it with a 
 wise look or a sneer, in theory, Mike, but how 
 will it be answered in fact, when the final analysis 
 comes, through practice? When hot weather 
 comes everybody wants to take a hike to the 
 mountains, or hit the outdoor camp along the 
 stream. Then is when the harvest is to be reaped
 
 THE UNDER PUP 257 
 
 and the crop saved. Suppose a greater share 
 of the farming element get it into their heads 
 that, as all are equally interested in preserving 
 the crop, all must help. And suppose all do 
 not help and the farmers spend their time in the 
 Socialistic beer garden or in the shade. Then 
 what? All these are contingencies that must be 
 met, for I take it, that Socialism will not be 
 able to change the ingrained disposition of men. 
 Its philosophy is a surface quality, and has no 
 renovating effect on the inner life. All these 
 things, and a thousand more, must be met and 
 overcome, and it will not be a "before breakfast 
 job, by a long shot." 
 
 Every "Co-operative Commonwealth" that 
 has ever been established, has had to meet these 
 very questions in the concrete; and none of them 
 have been able to overcome them. On these and 
 kindred problems all have failed. There is no 
 use to argue that general economic conditions 
 were against them, because the failure was more 
 from conditions within than from those from 
 without. Most of them prospered financially, 
 but went to pieces from irregularities from 
 strife, insubordination, dissatisfaction, from jeal- 
 ousies and warrings within. In Socialism 
 drunkenness will prevail, for liquors will be un- 
 taxed and cheap, and appetite will still be a part 
 
 17
 
 258 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 of the human constitution. Men will be convivial, 
 and, as intemperance is the result of individual 
 volition, when backed by convivial associations, 
 ability to buy, with the cost of the stuff reduced 
 to a minimum, and no repressive laws, Socialism 
 will be the inebriate's paradise. Besides, there 
 being no home life, just a community existence, 
 with sixteen to twenty hours according to So- 
 cialism out of the twenty-four, to sleep and 
 loaf, the incentive to loll in idle loafing joints, 
 and "refreshment parlors," would be such as to 
 create unhealthful social and moral conditions, 
 under a system much less lax. If all are to be 
 treated equally, individualism among the ladies, 
 in matters of taste, on the question of personal 
 adornment, will form a knotty problem. Brig- 
 ham Young, and the Mormon hierarchy, with 
 all the organized force at their command, met 
 with that difficulty in the effort to make Mor- 
 monism a great social unity. They felt, that they 
 could restrain the tendency to "purty things" 
 among the ladies in no other way, than to design 
 a uniform for the entire sisterhood. Could they 
 enforce it? Ann Eliza, Brigham's nineteenth 
 wife, says that even the love of heaven had no 
 effect, and the dear ladies laughed the hierarchic 
 edict out of existence and went on in their own 
 sweet but rebellious way. In Socialism, that
 
 THE UNDER PUP 259 
 
 principle will mark the line between vital Social- 
 ism community taste, community initiative 
 and individualism individual taste, individual 
 initiative. As to a scrap between the ladies 
 and any Socialist big wig I ever saw, the 
 ladies will rule or rip the Commonwealth wide 
 open. The whole thing would be funny, Mike, 
 if it wasn't so serious as to ultimate conse- 
 quences if Socialists did not have the disease 
 quite so hard. Imagine Eugene Debbs, Victor L. 
 Berger, Morris Hilquitt, George D. Herron 
 and Walter Thomas Mills, as the industrial head 
 of the dress department. After they had almost 
 warped their weighty minds in designing a uni- 
 form Socialist garb for the Socialist ladies, one 
 that all could wear and be on exact social 
 equality. Imagine them laying the pattern be- 
 fore the "Ladies' Committee," consisting of 
 Mary Ellen Lease, Dr. Mary Walker, Mrs. 
 Affinity George D., Emma Goldman and Mrs. 
 Head Designer, and insisting on its adoption. 
 As Dr. Mary has her own unchangeable togout 
 and Emma G. her unrestrained individual mind, 
 and Mrs. Mary Ellen can talk some herself, the 
 cackle and confab would be worth all it ever 
 cost, to become a Socialist, to hear. We can 
 laugh about it, Mike, but it will be a Socialistic 
 problem, heart-breaking enough to draw tears
 
 260 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 from the Falls of Niagara. I have met a lot 
 of Socialists, and they all shut their eyes, look 
 wise and pooh at what they cannot answer. 
 When they run up against the practical condi- 
 tion they are howling so loud for, they will have 
 to open their peepers and answer what they 
 can't pooh, and it will turn their eye winkers 
 gray. One thing that might be suggested to 
 Socialists, which they could adopt with profit, 
 not only to themselves, but to all the world, and 
 do more for the Socialist cause than three presi- 
 dential campaigns possibly could, would be, just 
 let about five to twenty thousand dyed-in-the- 
 wool, class conscious Socialists, form a colony, 
 go somewhere and establish a Socialist com- 
 munity on purely Socialistic ideas, and give us a 
 true sample of what Socialism is in governmental 
 action. Probably one of the millionaire Social- 
 ists will loan them the money. Or, better yet, 
 let the crowd just corral him and confiscate his 
 pile. That would be a genuine Socialistic start. 
 That would be the way to get the money. No 
 ten thousand of them could raise enough cash 
 without some such method. By the time the com- 
 munity was complete and ready to begii busi- 
 ness, the world would be ready for its object 
 lesson. Five, to ten years, would prove the great- 
 est curative experience any Socialist ever passed
 
 THE UNDER PUP 261 
 
 through. I am no prophet, Mike, but it would 
 take a hundred years of political fumigation to 
 clean the atmosphere from the stenchful memory 
 of the egregious failure. Commonwealth? Sure. 
 Utopia? Upside down. Law and order? In- 
 verted. Human perfection in government? 
 Don't know. Moral standard got lost? Say, 
 let's put out the electric and go to bed.
 
 TALK FOURTEEN 
 
 ONE difficulty with American politics, Mike, 
 is there are too many rainbow chasers. Men 
 who act perfectly sane on other questions, too 
 often close their eyes to the logic of the situation 
 on matters political, and blindly follow their 
 prejudices. In some counties and some states, a 
 nomination to office on the dominant party ticket, 
 regardless of the reputation and character of the 
 man who gets it, is equivalent to election. No 
 difference how objectionable the provisions of 
 the platform are for the average citizen, it re- 
 ceives a majority endorsement at the polls. I 
 have heard men, otherwise of good judgment 
 and decent instincts, seek to evade personal re- 
 sponsibilities for inexcusable conditions, and bad 
 party faith, by saying, "I am a strict party man; 
 I never scratch my ticket; my father never did 
 before me, and I am not going to break the rule. 
 O yes, I acknowledge we had a rotten party plat- 
 form. I did not endorse it. I repudiated it. I 
 spat on it, but well, yes, I voted the ticket. I 
 could not bring my conscience to do anything 
 else" and he goes on, innocent of the fact that 
 it was his vote, and not his spitting, that was 
 vital in the affairs of his country. Men who 
 
 262
 
 THE UNDER PUP 263 
 
 are so much bigger than party that they are 
 patriots, not partisans, have a worthy and hon- 
 orable contempt for human bantams like that. 
 It is the blind, idiotic party zeal of that mongrel 
 voting element, which is at the bottom of nine- 
 teen-twentieths of the corruption and plunder 
 of both state and nation. If every man, whose 
 election to the United States senate was brought 
 about by questionable methods, had been uni- 
 formly expelled from the chamber, the election 
 of "Blond Billy" of Illinois would never have 
 been undertaken by the state legislature, nor 
 would his seat, after he reached Washington, 
 have been made secure by any forty-six votes of 
 the senate itself. 
 
 But, Mike, while a man of my calibre is not 
 supposed to know what's what, nor which is 
 which, I believe that the Lorimer episode will, 
 in the end, prove a national blessing in disguise. 
 It has, at one raising of the curtain, shown the 
 entire country the exact number of corporation 
 lackeys occupying seats in the United States 
 senate, their nominal party adherence, and the 
 spot from which they hail. The people can now 
 roll up their sleeves, spit on their hands, and 
 wade into the process of national house cleaning. 
 
 The national congress has, for a quarter of a 
 century, been, if anything, more the tool of
 
 264 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 vested interests than it was a year ago. The 
 reason we did not know it was because the na- 
 tional conscience had not been sufficiently 
 aroused to force the public press, and the men be- 
 hind the scenes, to make the necessary exposure 
 to reveal it. The toughest our home ever looked 
 was when, for about a week each fall and spring, 
 I could hardly get into the house. Carpets were 
 torn up, chairs were out of their accustomed 
 place, beds and furniture were all torn apart 
 and scattered. I learned to know, at such times, 
 that Betty was just going through the process 
 of house cleaning, and the next week we'd look 
 and feel spank and free from dirt. The place 
 was the sweeter and healthier for it. 
 
 If I am not mistaken, Mike, all of this dust in 
 the newspapers and magazines; all this pro- 
 gressive, stand pat, splitting up of parties; all this 
 cuss and kick and complaint about the corruption 
 of the country and the need of a new party, by 
 the fellows who think with their heels instead 
 of their heads ; all this brag and blow and bluff, 
 among the Socialists, as to what wonderful things 
 they are going to do, just means that we are 
 rolling up our sleeves, getting on our old revo- 
 lutionary suits of American patriotism, getting 
 out the mop and the scrub-pail, putting the fur- 
 niture into the yard, and getting ready to clean
 
 THE UNDER PUP 265 
 
 house. In the process of cleaning, Mike, the So- 
 cialists, like the kids at home, will only be in 
 the way. It is the healthiest political condition 
 we have had in this country in a half century. 
 It don't look like it now to the fellows who do 
 not know the difference between house cleaning 
 and house wrecking, but to the man who studies 
 conditions, reasons from cause to effect, and can 
 half way read the signs of the times, a fresh June 
 morning is dawning on our national landscape. 
 Sit still and listen, Mike the choir of patriotism 
 is getting ready to sing. 
 
 To understand what is coming we must look 
 to the West. Remember that our nation was 
 born, nurtured and grown to manhood in the 
 East. Immigration pushed West, till we have 
 become the richest, and one of the most pro- 
 gressive and powerful nations on earth. Our 
 wonderful natural resources attracted the spoils- 
 man, the highbinder, and the man who steals 
 within the limits of the letter of the law. Not 
 satisfied with what they could grasp by honest 
 methods, through honorable commercial compe- 
 tition, they went into politics, controlled legisla- 
 tures and set their subsidized agents to making 
 and manipulating the law. 
 
 Our public domain was voted to them, in fee 
 simple, by their paid agents in congress, and the
 
 266 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 vast resources of the country were handed to 
 them in grants and subsidies, for fancied "devel- 
 opment returns." Bolder and bolder grew these 
 highbinders, till, in an evil day, somebody 
 squealed, and the unbridled, untrammeled, un- 
 subsidized press took up the cry. Here and 
 there was a patriotic official not elected, nor 
 owned, by them, and all over the land inde- 
 pendent men began to see the "nigger in the 
 wood-pile," and insist on dragging him into 
 public view. 
 
 Along about this time we put a big, healthy, 
 robust, far-seeing, strong-lunged, eastern-born, 
 western-trained, individuality into the White 
 House. The first thing he did was to break all 
 the traditions of his high office. The next was 
 to insist that the highbinder agents must come 
 to him, instead of him following established 
 precedent and going to them. He told them 
 flatly that if they "wanted to know who was 
 boss in these United States, to just start some- 
 thing." They got sassy and tried to tell him 
 who was who, and what was what. He drew 
 back, clenched the fist of the legal arm of the 
 government, struck the Northern Securities 
 Company square in the face, and drew blood. 
 Right there the fun began in dead earnest. It 
 has been going on ever since, till now the nar-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 267 
 
 rowest, squint-eyed republican in the North, and 
 the sappiest, sap-head democrat in the South, 
 knows whether his senators and congressmen are 
 out and out corporation cats-paws, tow-string 
 straddle-bugs, or honest, patriotic representa- 
 tives of the people. The nigger and the wood- 
 pile have parted company. 
 
 As immigration moved from the East to 
 the West, so national reform will sweep 
 from the West to the East. The West is 
 newer. There men live and fight side by 
 side. Interests are common. That which helps 
 one helps all. Common men demand com- 
 mon laws laws which cover, protect and bene- 
 fit all, in common. So the West, the better com- 
 prehends what is best for all. Free from the 
 class-and-caste spirit of the older and more arti- 
 ficial East, the Pacific will carry back to the 
 Atlantic that spirit of commonality and reform 
 which was first fostered in New England and 
 Virginia, and which made a government of com- 
 mon interests, a fixed fact for the first century of 
 our history. The East taught the West where 
 to go. The West will now come back and teach 
 the East what to do. The traditions of the 
 fathers, the West will bring back to the sons 
 of the East in legislative enactment, and a great 
 nation will rejuvenate, readjust itself and grow 
 thereby.
 
 268 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Let the machine politician, the spoilsman, the 
 lobbyist, the corruptionist and that modern anom- 
 aly, the big state political boss, take a trip out 
 to Oregon and keep their eyes open. Besides im- 
 proving their health, they will learn things that 
 will quicken their conscience. They will see that 
 a man to be elected to the United States senate 
 or to congress, in that wild and wooly common- 
 wealth; must first have the open primary en- 
 dorsement of the people; and that the people 
 have found a way to make a republican legisla- 
 ture elect a Democrat to the United States sen- 
 ate, after they have first endorsed him by popu- 
 lar vote. And they make the same rule of con- 
 duct govern Democrats. Let them go on up to 
 Seattle, where they will have another eye-peeler 
 shot into their think-tanks and that is, that 
 when a man is elected to office to serve the peo- 
 ple, and, after election, forgets what he is there 
 for and goes back on common decency and com- 
 mon interests, they slap the hand of the law onto 
 his official shoulder-straps and throw him over 
 the fence into the political scrap-heap. 
 
 When they have seen all this, Mike, then let 
 them go back home, "carry the news to Mary" 
 and tell her that the Oregon and Washington 
 plan is strong and healthy, has back of it the 
 strength and zeal of patriotism, has started East
 
 THE UNDER PUP 269 
 
 and is traveling first-class, and about as fast as 
 it can. While they are at it they had just as 
 well find out what the name of the thing is. They 
 will learn that it does not call itself partisan 
 Republican, nor yet partisan Democrat, but an- 
 swers every time to the modern name pro- 
 gressive. Progressive men in both the demo- 
 cratic and republican parties, have long fought 
 the bosses to get it, now have it, join together, 
 work for it, and with it. They find it healthy, 
 honest, wholesome, patriotic, and a fence, built 
 "so horse-high, bull-strong and hog-tight" that no 
 corporation, predatory hireling, has yet been able 
 to climb over, crawl under or break through, at 
 any point or corner. 
 
 It is coming East, Mike, whether the interests 
 want it or not, and when it reaches the Atlantic, 
 even that odoriferous gang of "lame ducks" a 
 long line of presidents has pushed back to the 
 public trough and into official soft snaps, after 
 they were unhorsed by their constituents at the 
 polls, will have to let loose and mournfully go 
 marching home and start in life anew as mem- 
 bers of the common herd. 
 
 It is not Socialism, Mike, it is not even a 
 thirty-second cousin to it. It is an American 
 movement with the spirit of law and order in 
 it, the atmosphere of constitutional justice about
 
 270 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 it. It is not a class movement appealing to class 
 spirit, endeavoring to turn one class in bitter 
 hatred against another. It reverences religion. 
 It cherishes the home and the marriage vow. It 
 has the love-light in its eyes, as sweet, young 
 childhood plays on the floor and kisses back a 
 mother's smile. It does not talk about a "violent 
 and bloody revolution." It does not seek to 
 incite its disciples to each prepare himself with 
 a gun and ammunition to "back his ballot with 
 his bullet." It does not insist that man is only 
 physical energy, and that "each shall do what- 
 ever he likes." No siree. Not much. It be- 
 lieves in "equal rights to all and special privi- 
 leges to none." Its watchword is, with the im- 
 mortal Lincoln, "A government of the people, 
 for the people, and by the people," and with 
 General Jackson that, "By the Eternal, equal 
 and exact justice shall prevail." 
 
 No, no, Mike, as it marches East, and it is 
 coming our way, there won't be enough of sci- 
 entific Socialism left to sit on the fence and see 
 it go by. Of course, we must expect that in this 
 national house-cleaning now going on, some of 
 us will have to shatter our daddy's ideals as to 
 party regularity and the proper name at the head 
 of our ticket. But after all, when the old man 
 gets stirred up, he won't care. He went through
 
 THE UNDER PUP 271 
 
 the smoke and thunders of the Civil War, on one 
 side or the other. He knows a patriotic idea 
 when he sees it coming down the road. He was 
 as big as his country back in the sixties, and will 
 loom up that big again, if need be, to preserve 
 our constitutional integrity, our liberty, our 
 homes, our civil and inalienable rights. 
 
 The men who are heading this movement, 
 formed the executive, mental and moral force 
 which hewed an empire out of the wilderness, 
 and have the constructive genius and high moral 
 courage, to safely mend all rents made by polit- 
 ical buccaneers in the fortress of the nation. 
 They have been able to govern themselves in the 
 past, have the cumulative faculty, the stability 
 and strength of character, the planning and 
 building qualities, and the supreme heroism, to 
 correct the evils and right the inequalities which 
 have found encouragement in the political ex- 
 cesses of the industrial money-mad period now 
 coming to a close. 
 
 When, in my judgment, the time comes that 
 immediate civic needs are served, the day of the 
 tramp and vagabond will be over. When men 
 cannot find work for themselves, the authorities 
 will be authorized to find it for them. In my 
 judgment, farms or factories will be maintained 
 by the government, for the cure of vagrancy, as
 
 272 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 uniformly as asylums now are for the cure of the 
 insane. If men neglect, or refuse, to support 
 their families they will be put to work, by gov- 
 ernmental authority, and kept there at standard 
 wages. Their surplus earnings will be turned 
 over to their families for their support. Laws 
 are, even now, being passed, which look to the 
 abridgment of increase among the vicious and 
 idiotic classes, by scientific sterilization. Crimi- 
 nality and vagrancy, the two growing evils of 
 modern civilization, will be wiped out legally 
 scientifically and effectively. Proper provision 
 will be made by the state to give every man a 
 chance to earn an honest living, both for him- 
 self and his family. So there will be no more 
 chronic loafers around towns without visible 
 means of support. Marriage will mean some- 
 thing, when the husband can no longer marry 
 and evade the duty of supporting his wife. When 
 he runs away, the long arm of the law will reach 
 out and bring him back. 
 
 No man should be allowed to raise a family 
 without doing two things giving his children a 
 full public school education, and teaching them 
 a useful trade. Rich and poor should be treated 
 alike, both as to the education and industry of 
 their children. Idleness and illiteracy in any 
 age, among any people, rich or poor, are detri-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 273 
 
 mental to the progress and safety of society. 
 All these needed reforms, Mike, will not come 
 in a day, nor will they come easy. Civilization 
 is of slow growth. So is an oak tree. But it 
 takes more than a morning breeze to uproot one, 
 and more than a whirlwind of class-hatred and 
 class-pride to destroy the other. I am not going 
 to jump into Socialism, Mike, just because, by 
 selling my vote to spoilsmen and thieving mag- 
 nates for whiskey or money, I have let the coun- 
 try, so far as my influence goes, get all twisted 
 out of shape. I propose to turn square around, 
 and vote right, to get the evil conditions cor- 
 rected. And what I am going to do is precisely 
 what the great mass of American voters, equally 
 responsible with me for existing conditions, 
 ought also to do. If by voting carelessly and 
 loosely we have made conditions bad, we should 
 vote wisely and carefully till we make them good. 
 To just get excited and run off on a wild goose- 
 chase after an untried party, made up of men 
 inexperienced in affairs of state, is both unwise 
 and unpatriotic. The wise and patriotic thing 
 and, in the end, the successful thing, is to re- 
 main where we are. And, remaining where we 
 are, discard the men who have misled us and 
 put a better class of officials on guard. 
 
 The time is coming, and it is not far away, 
 
 18
 
 274 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 when the feeling of brotherhood, and right hu- 
 man relations, will characterize the attitude of 
 both capital and labor, each toward the other. 
 In all industrial activity, co-operative interest 
 has been, and is, gaining in favor among both em- 
 ployers and the employed. Every reform that 
 promises equality of rights, equality of oppor- 
 tunity, equality of profit in earned increment, 
 is more and more finding favor in the industrial 
 world. 
 
 In a country where a canal boy can reach the 
 highest office in the gift of the nation; where a 
 rail-splitter can attain to immortality; where a 
 tanner can become the popular national idol; 
 where the great captains of industry, great mer- 
 chants and almost every great leader in both in- 
 dustrial and civic life, come up from the com- 
 mon ranks ; in a country where the farm-boy and 
 the herd-boy become the great men in the halls 
 of legislation; where men of good mettle are 
 constantly being called up higher, to places of 
 trust and commanding influence; and where 
 none but dross and poor mettle need live in the 
 lower story, there is nothing but rank insanity 
 in running oft into an organization whose fun- 
 damental appeal for public favor, is that of class 
 hatred and the division of property by govern- 
 mental confiscation. I know, and any other man
 
 THE UNDER PUP 275 
 
 * 
 
 knows, that every man who is not earning a liv- 
 ing today, in all this broad West, is either an 
 inferior workman, a victim of dissipation, or too 
 infamously lazy and trifling to take his rightful 
 place in the army of industry and progress. You 
 will find, Mike, that the men kicking the hardest, 
 and shouting the loudest, about unequal condi- 
 tions are lying around the loafing corners, or the 
 saloon, refusing to work at two and three dol- 
 lars a day, on the grounds of claiming that they 
 ought to have four or five. It is not a question 
 of getting work and wages. It is one of valuing 
 their services higher than the other fellow does. 
 Some of the men who seem the worst off have 
 worked years and years steadily, for good wages. 
 The reason they have no money now is because, 
 like myself, they didn't save a cent when they 
 did have work and could. Had we earned a 
 hundred dollars a day it would have been the 
 same. Come plenty, go plenty is a poor pup. 
 What I am trying to make clear, Mike, is 
 that it is not in the industrial conditions here 
 in the West; not because of unequal economic 
 laws; not because there is no work, nor because 
 of starvation wages, that so many men are dead 
 broke and do not get on in the world. It is be- 
 cause they are not frugal; because they dissi- 
 pate too much ; because they are extravagant ;
 
 276 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 because they wont save for a rainy day, when the 
 weather is clear and prosperity is radiant; be- 
 cause they prefer to loaf and kick, in times of 
 slight depression rather than work, outside of 
 their trade, to keep the mill running on some 
 kind of a grist. You will notice that the man who 
 gets ahead, steadily climbs up the ladder of suc- 
 cess, and has plenty in his old days, is the fellow 
 who, no difference what the times were or what 
 wages offered, kept beating away at something. 
 If he did not have work at his trade he worked 
 at something else. When he worked at his trade 
 he demanded the standard scale of wages and 
 got it because, being willing, intelligent and 
 industrious, he earned it. 
 
 The facts are, Mike, that in all the history of 
 this wonderful country of ours, it has been the 
 men who, no difference what they made, sacri- 
 ficed and saved something, became at last the 
 men of both wealth and influence. The man 
 who spent all he macle, whether much or little, 
 always was an under pup of the times in which 
 he lived. I have said a good deal during these 
 evenings we've been together about saloon loaf- 
 ing, liquor drinking and general extravagance 
 and dissipation, on the part of the laboring 
 classes, and I have done so because I know that 
 a very large share of the misery of our time
 
 THE UNDER PUP 277 
 
 can be attributed to those things. I have not 
 said much against capitalists and great com- 
 binations of capital because, I know, and every 
 other man who will stop to think, knows, that 
 the wonderful development of our natural re- 
 sources could only have been brought about by 
 just such means. I have spoken of Walter Case 
 as an example of what large resources in intelli- 
 gent hands will do. The factory that he estab- 
 lished and ran, could not have existed without 
 the three hundred thousand dollars he possessed. 
 In using his money in that way he furnished 
 employment at good wages to from one to five 
 hundred men, who would have been idle without. 
 The output of his factory supplied thousands of 
 homes with the necessaries of life at a much 
 cheaper rate than could have been done through 
 the old method, of hand-made and hand-process 
 of distribution. And of the men who worked 
 for him, every one who tried to save money was 
 able to do so. As I have said before, many 
 of them have good homes today with money in 
 the bank. Others, with the start they were 
 able to make from the money saved while work- 
 ing in the factory, were able to enter business 
 for themselves, and today are men of affairs in 
 the community in which they live. There were a 
 few who never could rise above the commonest
 
 278 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 and simplest work. They are still working at 
 the same job. They will never be able to do 
 anything else. A number of others, along with 
 myself, spent our leisure in the saloon and our 
 money for drink. You know what I am, Mike. 
 That partially tells the story of what they are. 
 The difference is, my family repudiated me, and 
 have grown by their own efforts, while theirs 
 stayed with them mostly, and were dragged down 
 to their level. What Walter Case did in Owens- 
 ville, has been done by men with capital, all over 
 the country. These men made money and made 
 it in plenty. But they have been benefactors to 
 the country just the same. They have also made 
 money for others. Made it for the men who 
 worked for them, just as Watler Case made 
 money for us. They put money into the hands 
 of the consumers by reducing the price of prod- 
 ucts they consumed. 
 
 The great railroads which thread this country, 
 and which make transportation swift, cheap, 
 easy and safe, could not have been built without 
 great combinations of capital. The men who 
 built them have made money, but they have 
 been benefactors to the traveling, shipping, pro- 
 ducing and consuming public. They have been 
 benefactors to every farmer, to every manufac- 
 turer, to every miner, to every lumberman, to
 
 THE UNDER PUP 279 
 
 every county, and to every state in the nation. 
 In short, whether it has been a mine owner, a 
 manufacturer, a lumberman or a farmer, every 
 man engaged in the activities of the day has been 
 benefited and blessed by these great combina- 
 tions of capital used in the building up of our 
 transportation interests. 
 
 Everything we consume today in cheaper, by 
 far, and generally superior in quality and charac- 
 ter, because men of money have combined to do 
 big things. For men of my class who have 
 muscle but no money, stomachs but no food, 
 backs but no clothing, need shelter but have no 
 homes, kicking against the employer of labor, 
 who exchanges money for our strength, and who 
 advances us both in position and volume of 
 wages, just in proportion to our ability, our will- 
 ing dispositions, and our intelligent application, 
 is like kicking the cow that furnishes our milk. 
 
 The one cause of complaint that we do have is 
 that in the strife for business, and the thirst for 
 gold, some of the great money combinations have 
 gone into politics and controlled legislation to 
 personal and corporate advantage. The reason- 
 able and patriotic kick the American people have 
 coming, is against their trying to control the 
 government, as well as the world of business. 
 
 What should be done, what is being done, and
 
 280 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 what will be done fully and completely, is to 
 divorce our government from any taint of cor- 
 porate, trust and predatory interests. When 
 that is once done, the evils and the inequalities 
 which exist today will be wiped out, and the dis- 
 ease of the body politic will be cured. 
 
 Well, old man, we should have been in bed an 
 hour ago.
 
 TALK FIFTEEN 
 
 WE WERE talking the other night, Mike, about 
 what great combinations of capital have accom- 
 plished in the development of the resources of 
 our country, and how every class of citizens has 
 been made the richer by it. 
 
 Outside of the congested centers of popula- 
 tion, and outside of the dissipated, the profligate 
 and indolent classes, there is less of distress and 
 suffering, less of ignorance and crime, than have 
 characterized any period of the world's history. 
 
 The cry, "Back to the farm," is the voice of 
 relief the voice of comfort and plenty, striving 
 to reach the ears of the distressed and needy. 
 
 If, as I told you before, our philanthropists 
 and benevolent organizations, would combine in 
 the effort to bring the cheap, fertile lands of the 
 East, South, Southwest and West, and the in- 
 differently housed and employed of the crowded 
 districts of the North and East, together ; if the 
 Socialist voters would contribute the reputed 
 twenty-five cents per month dues each now pays 
 into the Socialist propaganda fund, to the same 
 end, and the generally, charitably inclined, would 
 also dispose of their charities in that way, a very 
 large per cent of the evils and suffering now ex- 
 
 281
 
 282 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 isting, would soon be things of the past. Es- 
 pecially would this be true if men of humani- 
 tarian instincts, and scientific knowledge of soils 
 and soil culture, would be employed to live among 
 them and teach them the science of home build- 
 ing, truck, fruit and general farming. Also 
 teach them how and when to plant and market 
 their crops. There is no question as to the 
 beneficial results that would accrue, to both the 
 emigrants themselves and to the country at large, 
 were such an effort made. As an object lesson 
 on this point, visit the colonies themselves, or 
 get direct reports from the colonies of Arkansas 
 and New Jersey, which have been built up by 
 humanitarians in the last twenty years on the 
 same lines. You will learn that these colonies, 
 are made up of former "sweat shop" subjects 
 and the "industrially oppressed," of the crowded 
 cities of the East. As another object lesson, 
 visit the great agricultural and horticultural sec- 
 tions of the North and West. They were settled 
 up by emigrants (mostly poor) from the east- 
 ern, and southern states, and foreign countries 
 in the last forty years. Conditions are now pros- 
 perous, the country is progressive and the people 
 are intelligent and contented. In most of the 
 towns there are few very rich, and fewer still, 
 very poor. It is next to an ideal condition for 
 any country, or any civilization.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 283 
 
 As to how the land should be purchased, how 
 it should be divided, and how paid for, I do not 
 pretend to say. To the men who have them- 
 selves been able to accumulate great fortunes 
 and understand dealing with large incipient 
 movements, all this could be left with full con- 
 fidence. I suppose later on there would have 
 to be smaller subdivisions and more intensive 
 farming; but the larger and richer returns would 
 be a sufficient reward. 
 
 As the best way to help men is to help them 
 to help themselves, homes, transportation and 
 home equipment, should be furnished at cost, and 
 the "long time, easy payment plan" adopted. 
 In that way the fund would be constantly re- 
 turned and re-used. The congested condition of 
 the labor centers would be relieved, work would 
 be more plentiful, wages higher and the sweat 
 shop conditions would cease; and the idle lands 
 of the country would be made to yield for the 
 wants of men. No greater philanthropic work 
 has been undertaken since the world began ; none 
 that has accomplished more for civilization. 
 
 With the better wage scale, and social uplift 
 in our larger cities, the home-owning class would 
 enlarge, consumption would increase, the de- 
 mand for the products of the farm and garden 
 would quicken, and the general affairs of the
 
 284 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 country be placed in a more healthful and pros- 
 perous condition. The mad rush of the farm 
 boys to the city during the last half century, the 
 unwise stopping of the great bulk of foreign 
 emigrants in the already overcrowded labor 
 centers, have aggravated our industrial and social 
 ills. The refusal of the boys to stay on the 
 farms, even in the face of poor opportunities in 
 the city, and the inability of the emigrant class, 
 after short city residence, to move on, have 
 tended to increase both poverty and crime to an 
 alarming extent. 
 
 This plan, or anything like it, I have sug- 
 gested, may never be adopted. Conditions may 
 not greatly improve. But there is one thing that 
 every patriotic American citizen should insist on. 
 That is, that the vast hordes of foreign labor 
 coming to our shores, year in and year out, with 
 no intention of making this their home coming 
 to work, get money, and return to their native 
 land to remain, should be shut out. We did it 
 with the Chinese, and why are we leaving the 
 fence down for others of like purpose? It has 
 been a mystery to me, why American labor or- 
 ganizations have not put up a most vigorous pro- 
 test. It certainly would be to the best interest 
 of all classes of workmen. 
 
 But do as we may to better human conditions ;
 
 THE UNDER PUP 285 
 
 devise whatever method human philanthropy 
 and human ingenuity can work out, even in their 
 best estate, and inequalities will exist. 
 
 In all ages of the world men like myself have 
 been, and will continue to be, on deck in mani- 
 fold numbers. We persist in drifting away from 
 the country, where we are needed, into the cities 
 where there is no room. We go hungry and 
 half clothed in the city, rather than go back 
 to the plenty of the country. The city is not to 
 blame. General economic conditions are not at 
 fault. The fault is in us, in our senseless con- 
 duct, in our abnormal desires. 
 
 If we refuse to save when work is plenty, 
 wages good and we have the chance, no one is 
 to blame but ourselves if we must, at times, go 
 hungry. If our credit fails in times of periodical 
 depression, it is because we have not built up 
 reputations for honestly meeting our obligations 
 when we have money and can meet them. I 
 knew some men who were marked in the credit 
 guides as "Good without regard to what they 
 are worth ;" others equally as well off financially, 
 were rated "N. G.," and were forced to pay 
 cash or go without supplies. The first could go 
 to the bank and get money on their own signa- 
 tures, because the banker knew they would pay 
 if they lived, and was willing to take the chance,
 
 286 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 between their continued good health and death. 
 Now, the difference was not in any external con- 
 dition. It lay in the difference between the char- 
 acter and habits of the two types of men. If 
 we persist in cultivating unnatural and abnormal 
 appetites, extravagant and vagrant habits; in- 
 sist that the world owes us a living without 
 honest, industrious effort on our part, to secure 
 it, industrial and social conditions will have about 
 as much to do with our cheerless and homeless 
 situation, as the rise and fall of the tide. I had 
 a good start, an education above the average 
 of my class, a fair trade, and could have made 
 good. I know this, because men who worked 
 with me at the bench were my inferiors physi- 
 cally, educationally and mentally, are now, at 
 my age, comfortably well off. They were steady. 
 I was not. They had an eye single to the main 
 chance. I had not. They were looking forward 
 to a home and plenty. I was looking for booze 
 and a "good time." The results in each case were 
 as natural as sunset. Some men with an "ax 
 to grind" will say they do not believe it. I do 
 not just believe it ; I know. 
 
 I say to you, Mike, for the last time, that 
 ninety-five per cent of the poverty and misery 
 among men in our day is the result of natural 
 causes the direct, or indirect, result of individual
 
 THE UNDER PUP 287 
 
 mental defects, dissipated or spendthrift habits, 
 vagrant disposition or faulty judgment in affairs 
 of business. To be a good Socialist you must 
 deny all this, lay the blame on "Capitalism," on 
 "economic conditions," on "Industrial Oppres- 
 sion," on every possible cause save the right one, 
 which is your own life, mentality and habits. I 
 will insist again also, that by far the largest num- 
 ber of successful men in the business, civic, social, 
 industrial and professional life of today, began 
 as poor boys, confronting no more encouraging 
 or promising economic conditions, than confront 
 the boys who are born now; that the prosperous, 
 thrifty class, owning and controlling almost the 
 entire visible wealth of the greater part of the 
 United States, began as men of small means, or 
 of no means at all. And I will insist, further, 
 that the opportunities for good things, moder- 
 ately great things, and really big things for am- 
 bitious men, are as wide open today as at any 
 time in our national history ; that the greatest ad- 
 vancement and greatest industrial development 
 of our resources lie straight ahead; and that 
 every man, no difference when, how, nor where 
 born, who has brains and manhood, industry and 
 perseverance has in him the mettle of which 
 men are made, will succeed will get his full 
 share. But the loafers, the shirkers, the vaga-
 
 288 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 bond element, the men who were born to be in- 
 ferior "hewers of wood and drawers of water," 
 the booze fighters, the shiftless crowd, will fall 
 behind in the procession. They always have, and 
 always will. It is a hard thing to say, Mike, 
 but it is one of the facts in nature, that neither 
 food conditions, Socialism, economic laws, nor 
 anything else from outside ever has, or ever will 
 be, able to overcome. You may reason it away 
 in theory, but the next step, the next generation, 
 and the next civilization, it will rise up before 
 the world as one of the ineradicable facts of 
 human existence. These "black sheep" are not 
 confined to any one class of society. They are 
 born in the hovel, in the brown stone front, 
 among the mansions of "Society Hill," in the 
 homes on "Poverty Flat." Scapegrace sons, 
 prodigal daughters worthless, do-les progeny, 
 come from all classes, in all countries and all 
 times. 
 
 When Socialism starts out to bring all men up 
 to a common level, to equalize, through food, 
 raiment and shelter conditions, these kinks in 
 human nature, it is planning the impossible, and 
 doing a lot of fine scheming for an eventual and 
 inevitable abortion. It does not need wide travel, 
 extended observation, nor academic knowledge, to 
 understand the futility of any such experimental
 
 THE UNDER PUP 289 
 
 effort. Just let any man sit down to sober, sensi- 
 ble reflection, and analyze the lives, the habits, 
 the success or failure, of the men around him, 
 along with his own personal history, and he will 
 be able to see the correctness of what I have just 
 been saying see it with his eyes half shut. 
 
 Let him go down to the saloon corner, survey 
 the men who loaf there. Go into the saloon and 
 study the gang that constantly lines up there, no 
 difference who they are, laboring men, or what 
 not. Then let him go to the homes of the class 
 of men who do not loaf around, or patronize the 
 saloons. Let him study both classes thoroughly, 
 and if he were to open a bank, or had any sort 
 of responsible position to fill, no difference what 
 the economic or industrial condition, let him de- 
 cide from which class he would feel the safest 
 to select his help; from which class he would 
 expect to pick the men who will be sober, in- 
 dustrious and home-owning citizens in ten or 
 twenty years from now. And let him ask him- 
 self, if the difference in their circumstances is 
 not owing to the character, the temper, the habits, 
 the tastes of the man, instead of the economic or 
 industrial conditions of the times. Then, after 
 he has exercised his horse sense, and discovered 
 the truth in the premises that the difference is 
 in the men themselves, and not in external condi- 
 
 19
 
 290 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 tions over which they have no control let him 
 drop this socialistic, economic imbecility and act 
 with the sane element of his fellow men, and try 
 to reform, by constitutional methods, the reacha- 
 ble evils that do exist ; the evils which can be re- 
 moved by considerate and patriotic action along 
 practical lines. In all the animal kingdom these 
 same inherent inequalities exist. There are fits 
 and misfits, large and small, strong and weak, 
 giants and runts, clean and foul, gentle and 
 vicious, handsome and homely. Selection, and 
 scientific breeding, have reduced the inequalities 
 to a minimum, but they exist, nevertheless. It 
 is only by conforming to the scientific laws of 
 selection and breeding that the Poland China, 
 and Berkshire, have been developed from the wild 
 wart hog of the Jungle, the Polled Angus, the 
 Durham and Herford, among beef breeds, the 
 Jersey, and Guernsey, among the milk and but- 
 ter producing cattle, have been brought up from 
 the mongrel breed of Asia ; and the two-minute 
 trotter from the wild "dung hill" of the plains. 
 
 Every thing of even strength and beauty, of 
 utility and service, in animal and plant life, 
 which tops high pressure civilization, has come 
 to us through centuries of scientific selection and 
 breeding. What would the human race be today 
 had the same law of development and scientific
 
 THE UNDER PUP 291 
 
 weeding-out been followed? But the educated 
 and ignorant, the refined and vulgar, the inno- 
 cent and criminal, the gentle and vicious, the 
 high born and low born of creation, by ten 
 thousand curls and kinks, and contradictory 
 diosyncracies, have intermarried, mixed and 
 mingled, till it is simply amazing that there is 
 anything left in human form outside of runts and 
 derelicts savages and barbarians. 
 
 The intellectual inequalities of the past have 
 been modified largely through the modern sys- 
 tem of popular and uniform education. But the 
 eradication of criminal tendencies has not kept 
 pace, because our educational code has dealt, al- 
 most exclusively, with the intellectual faculties; 
 and because there has been little or no effort 
 made to abridge production among the criminal 
 and vagrant classes. Life, and the functions of 
 life, are as precious to the mentally dependent, 
 the criminal and vagrant, as they are to the law- 
 abiding, the moral and progressive, but the mul- 
 tiplied progeny of the former are a curse and 
 a hindrance to the development and progress of 
 civilization. 
 
 Socialism is a plea for the continued, undis- 
 turbed existence of the inherent inequalities of 
 human society. Its sole remedy is to throw down 
 the bars, do away with all restraints, and herd
 
 292 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 all together, without race, class or social distinc- 
 tion. One of its fundamental demands is in- 
 dustrial, material, social and race equality. As 
 a necessary corollary of this is the doctrine de- 
 clared by Fourier, that the human will is but 
 physical energy, and every man "should do as 
 he pleases." Or, according to the "Appeal to 
 Reason" of July 11, 1903: 
 
 "Under Socialism the government will have 
 no other function but the administration of the 
 public industries. Socialism is opposed to all in- 
 terference with the personal liberties of the 
 people." 
 
 With this as a basis, the further doctrine is 
 taught that with abundance of food, raiment and 
 shelter, and uniform education, all moral and 
 mental qualities will speedily evolve into uniform 
 perfection. Men won't have wings in full; they 
 will just be sprouted. Among savage tribes, 
 Mike, most of this tommyrot has always been 
 popular. When one had, all had. When one 
 had not, all starved together. The way one lived, 
 all lived. The only way to tell their huts apart, 
 was from the difference in location. It has been 
 the uniform instinct of all savage tribes to live, 
 as all the leading Socialist writers insist that 
 civilized society shall live under Socialism in 
 community relations, with a tendency against
 
 THE UNDER PUP 293 
 
 monogamous marriage, and in the direction of 
 free love; to throw off all the ehtical restraints 
 of religion, and accept as the sole moral guide, 
 the unrestrained impulses of the human will. 
 
 I have insisted, Mike, that Socialism is a wail 
 from the depth; a cry that, as the depth cannot 
 come up, all men shall come down. That its ap- 
 peal is to the under pup, the lower, profligate, 
 spendthrift, vagrant, improvident, shiftless class. 
 This is one of the indisputable facts apparent to 
 any man, who will listen to any one of their street 
 corner spielers, anywhere at any time. I have 
 never yet heard one of them make an appeal to 
 any other class. And the appeal is always to 
 the "under class" to combine and drag down the 
 "upper class." Exploit them make them as 
 common, as poor, as powerless to climb by 
 individual effort as themselves. They are 
 always against the men who are "up in 
 the world." They make no distinction as 
 to how they got up. A capitalist is a 
 capitalist, a plutocrat is a plutocrat ; all men who 
 have made money, and have money, are op- 
 pressors and thieves. Not a single combination 
 of capital that has been, and is, developing the 
 resources of the country, but is, in their heated 
 imaginations, a criminal organization. It will 
 be so, they assert, till they get the property and
 
 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 confiscate it, own and control it ; that every man 
 who is at the head of a factory, a mine, a rail- 
 road, or any other public industry, must be un- 
 horsed, and the property handed over to them. 
 They deny, at the top of their voices, that they 
 are asking or demanding that property be 
 equally divided. I will help them deny that 
 charge myself. I do not blame them for not 
 wanting to be misunderstood. I would not want 
 to be misrepresented myself. So I say, Mike, 
 to be perfectly fair, that I have never yet seen 
 a gang of Socialists that modest. They do not 
 want to equally divide with anybody. They in- 
 sist on taking the "whole hog." More, I have 
 never read one of their authors in which there is 
 not a studied effort to stir up hatred against 
 every one of the "capitalistic" class, against 
 economic conditions, against existing forms of 
 government, against every man, and every insti- 
 tution, that in any way stands in defense of 
 things as they now are, and that is not in favor 
 of the changes they demand. It is "war to the 
 knife, and knife to the hilt." 
 
 When you insist that Socialism is seeking to 
 destroy monogamic marriage, and is in favor of 
 free love, a lot of socialistically inclined jabber- 
 wacks, will declare you are mistaken; that that 
 is not Socialist doctrine, nor any part of the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 295 
 
 socialistic program. When you call their atten- 
 tion to the fact that Socialism is materialistic 
 pure and simple; that it is organized opposition, 
 to, and hatred of, the church, of every form of 
 Christian teaching, as to the regeneration and 
 reformation of men, from within, they go 
 straight up in the air. When you explain fur- 
 ther, that Socialism means to destroy the family 
 the legalized life-long marriage of one man 
 and one woman and in its place, turn society 
 loose without any moral restraints, thus destroy- 
 ing prostitution by making all women prosti- 
 tutes, they insist that you are not posted on 
 socialistic teaching. When you show that they 
 not only mean to interfere with the family by 
 destroying monogamic marriage, but intend to 
 make its destruction complete by taking the 
 children away from the parents altogether, and 
 turning them over to the state as public wards, 
 they tell you that you never saw that in a Social- 
 ist platform. 
 
 When you call their attention to the fact that 
 Socialism is a revolutionary force which is con- 
 stantly appealing to the unfortunate, the misfits 
 and the vagabond element of society, to unite, 
 overthrow existing forms of government, con- 
 fiscate and appropriate the entire wealth of the 
 country to their own use the use of the public
 
 296 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 and that they mean that all semblance of law 
 over men shall be destroyed ; that civil law, civil 
 courts, and every restrictive measure over human 
 action and human cussedness, shall be wiped out ; 
 that unrestrained appetite, ungoverned passion, 
 undirected vagaries of the will, may be the sole 
 guide to human conduct, they insist that you are 
 certainly mistaken. 
 
 When you call their attention to the state- 
 ments of the early Socialists, that forcible revolu- 
 tion to overthrow governments and complete the 
 ascendancy of the unfortunate and mongrel 
 classes, is one of the things contemplated in cer- 
 tain events, they reply that Marx and Engles 
 and several of the rest who talked that way are 
 dead. But a lot of others, including Victor L. 
 Berger, are very much alive and talk the same 
 way. Such retorts beg the question. The books 
 of Marx, Engles, Bebel and others are handed 
 around today as "Socialist Classics" with which 
 to convert men to Socialism. They are in every 
 Socialist library, and accepted as the most au- 
 thorative expositions of true Socialism. They 
 are advertised in and recommended by Socialist 
 journals as containing the correct and funda- 
 mental principles of scientific Socialism. Read 
 all the authors of Socialist works from Marx 
 and Engles, Bebel and Bax to Ferri, Morris,
 
 THE UNDER PUP 297 
 
 Herron, Kautsky, Leibknect, LaFague, Lea- 
 tham, Hyndman, Guesde, Vandervelde, and you 
 will find that the boasting brood of government 
 overthrowers, law destroyers, home defamers, 
 marriage annullers, religious underminers, free 
 love advocates, forcible revolution blatherskites 
 and property confiscatory doctrinaires are all 
 alike. They form the Socialist library of infor- 
 mation as to what Socialism is; as to what it 
 proposes to do; as to what the men who form 
 the directing cabinet of international Socialism 
 believe, that Socialism would be in actual fact, 
 were the human race to go insane and give it the 
 ascendancy in human affairs. If their depraved 
 doctrines and utterances on the questions of the 
 overthrow of the state, the family, the laws, 
 courts, civil authority, the church, all established 
 institutions, and the advocacy of free love, free 
 conduct, and the herding of children by the pub- 
 lic, as well as the open plunder of all the prop- 
 erty-holding class, are not socialistic, why do not 
 the Socialist press, Socialist conventions, Social- 
 ist "Locals," Socialist "Boards" or some organi- 
 zation of decency in Socialist ranks, repudiate 
 them? Why do they not stop advertising the 
 books as authorities on Socialism, stop handing 
 them out as Socialist campaign documents, or 
 expurgate and disown the whole nasty, demoral-
 
 298 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 izing mess of villainous slop they contain. If 
 Socialism does not make its appeal to the ele- 
 ments of depravity in human nature, to the de- 
 praved taste of the vagrant classes, why are not 
 the pages in these books that do, expurgated? 
 The fact that they are not; the fact that modern 
 Socialists of the higher official position the men 
 who speak with authority, either keep silent, or 
 when they do speak, give expression to the same 
 foul mouthings, is as conclusive, as that two and 
 three make five, that they are the authorized 
 dictum of the cult. In short they are the distinct 
 statements, the tenets, that make Socialism 
 Socialism. 
 
 The fact is, Mike, the works of the authors 
 mentioned are all authority on socialistic doc- 
 trine. The little guys we meet who deny that, 
 do not know what they are talking about; they 
 belong to one of two classes. The first are the 
 fellows who do not really know what Socialism 
 is. They are Socialists because they have heard 
 how the adoption of Socialism will stop all the 
 hunger, misfortune, misery and poverty in the 
 world. How, when adopted, it will make them 
 as rich as the richest, and bring about a perfect 
 and unending picnic life on earth, and do it with- 
 out much hard work. They have been told that 
 the reason men are not all prosperous and con-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 299 
 
 tented now is because "Capitalism" is the power 
 that is in control. That the only thing necessary 
 to change it all, at once and forever, is to wipe 
 capitalism and all the institutions it has spoken 
 into existence, off of the face of the earth. And 
 all that is necessary to do it is to just vote the 
 Socialist ticket, and vote 'r straight. If they 
 would only read the standard Socialist authors, 
 they would learn that Socialism insists that the 
 "Capitalistic Institutions" that support the pres- 
 ent system, are governments, laws, courts, in- 
 dividual title to property, the law of inheritance, 
 monogamic marriage, the family, the church, the 
 Christian doctrine of regeneration from within, 
 the criminal code of civilized society, and the 
 general law-making body. Then, if they were 
 to stop and just think for a minute, they would 
 see that Socialism, with its ideas of com- 
 munity of interests, never could be established 
 without destroying every one of these things. 
 They would see that the whole villainous brood 
 of social rabbies, the Socialist authors, from Carl 
 Marx down, would have to inoculate the society 
 of men before Socialism could exist as a system 
 of "Government." The second class is composed 
 of those who, like Hilquitt, know were they 
 to own up, open and above board, that the con- 
 sequences of Socialist philosophy are material-
 
 300 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 ism, and all the brood of revolutionary iniquities 
 those authors advocate, they would lose the ears 
 of the American public, and their propaganda 
 would be at an inglorious end. Knowing that 
 when they can make men "class conscious" by 
 first fulminating against capitalism, and making 
 them dissatisfied by running the gamut on the 
 rascality of men in office, that they can, little 
 by little, convince them that the whole Socialist 
 program is correct. So they deny, for the pur- 
 pose of deceiving the public. Of course, all these 
 things are not in the Socialist platform. Men 
 would be imbecile to put them in. All the fun- 
 damentals of democratic government are not in 
 the Republican and Democratic platform. Not 
 by a long shot. They are in the American Con- 
 stitution. The books of Marx, Bebel, et al. con- 
 tain the constitutional doctrines of Socialism. 
 Just as you cannot have a Democracy without 
 government over men, civil courts, criminal laws, 
 public officials, property rights and individual 
 ownership, family life and well recognized society 
 customs and moral principles, taxes, etc., so you 
 cannot have scientific Socialism without the total 
 destruction of every one of these things. The 
 necessary fundamentals of Socialism are the 
 abrogation of civil government, civil courts, re- 
 pressive laws, the family and family life, indi-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 301 
 
 vidual ownership, individual initiative, the crim- 
 inal code, jails, penitentiaries, and as one of the 
 concomitant necessities, the church and revealed 
 religion, with their doctrines of future reward 
 and punishments on the basis and character of 
 conduct in this life. When Socialism is estab- 
 lished, its fundamentals will be the basis of the 
 system. No, Mike, Socialism cannot hide its 
 nasty nature. Men will find it out as the days 
 come and go, and you mark my word, that just 
 as the strength of its appeal which is to the 
 element of depravity in men is clearly under- 
 stood, will the American people get their eyes 
 open, and the whole thing will be politically 
 skinned, and its hide hung on a tree. They will 
 learn what Socialism is from its basic doctrines, 
 as we know what democracy is from the consti- 
 tution. Neither system puts its basic part in its 
 "party" platforms. 
 
 You cannot make a man sober by furnishing 
 him all the whiskey he wants to drink. You can- 
 not make men good by turning them loose in 
 unrestrained license to run riot in passion. You 
 cannot make the world better by just stuffing 
 it with grub. You cannot reform men by teach- 
 ing them to eat, sleep, be happy regardless, and 
 do as they please. You cannot make a nation 
 honest, when its first founding act is disregard
 
 302 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 of the right of the individual, and wholesale theft. 
 You cannot make women pure by reducing them 
 all to the level of harlots. You cannot Oh 
 pshaw, Mike. You cannot be sensible at any 
 time or anywhere by just acting the fool.
 
 TALK SIXTEEN 
 
 IT is said that at one time a gentleman of high 
 character and fine intelligence was taking his 
 insane brother to an asylum for safekeeping, as 
 he was at times violent. On reaching the asylum, 
 the sane brother stopping to hitch his horse, the 
 insane one saw his chance. He passed on 
 through the gate and into the asylum office. He 
 hurriedly introduced himself as the sane one of 
 the two, told the keeper that his brother, though 
 violently insane when interferred with, was 
 laboring under the hallucination that he was 
 bringing him (the speaker) to the asylum; that 
 when he stepped in at the door the attendants 
 should grab him, put him in irons and place him 
 in a cell, paying no attention to his ravings and 
 protestations. It is said that the ruse worked 
 without a slip, and the wrong man was placed 
 in limbo. The other one thus escaped for a brief 
 period. 
 
 Judging from all history of government, and 
 all human experience, Socialism is a species of 
 economical, ethical, governmental and social in- 
 sanity. It is playing all established governments 
 to the misfit ends of society, for the insane 
 
 Every little jabberwack in its ranks is taught 
 
 303
 
 304 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 to parrot about the injustice of existing govern- 
 ments, the inequalities of economic conditions, 
 and the entire industrial and social system, all 
 of which must be overthrown, and in their place 
 a "Social" or "Co-operative Commonwealth" es- 
 tablished. When he tells you what the proposed 
 commonwealth will be, what it will do, and how 
 it is to be administered, any ten-year-old boy can 
 see that the entire government, as now estab- 
 lished, must be annihilated in order to give it 
 room. Playing us for fools, it assumes the posi- 
 tion of a factional political party, working along 
 established governmental and constitutional lines, 
 to secure a majority of the officials of state. But 
 it is not a political party, in the sense, in which 
 any other party in existence, in any country, 
 is organized. It comes as a distinct system of 
 human government, intended to overthrow and 
 replace all other systems. If the Democratic 
 party of the United States should become strong 
 enough to place one of its members in every 
 office in the land, there would be no change in 
 the constitutional form of government in any 
 sense. There would be some change in methods 
 of administration, in governmental policy in re- 
 lation to certain questions affecting the control 
 of corporate interests, revenues, taxes, the devel- 
 opment of our natural resources, perhaps, with
 
 THE UNDER PUP 305 
 
 such new laws as would, in Democratic judg- 
 ment, benefit the masses, but there would be no 
 change in the form of government itself. Every 
 Democrat could take the prescribed oath to sup- 
 port the Constitution, and do it consistently, and 
 mean it when he takes it. 
 
 Now, Mike, suppose the Socialists should gain 
 the same foothold in our country. Every meas- 
 ure they would take up would be one looking 
 to the complete overthrow of our existing insti- 
 tutions, to the form and character of our National 
 Constitution, as well as the functions of govern- 
 ment themselves. When they come into the field 
 of politics, as one of the ordinary party organiza- 
 tions ; when they aspire to positions in Congress, 
 the United States Senate any legislative, judi- 
 cial or executive office it is like a lot of soldiers 
 enlisted in one army, whose hearts are in its 
 cause traitorously going over and enlisting in 
 the opposing army, with the sole intention of 
 working, seemingly loyal, till they can get, 
 enough of their own men in the official ranks, to 
 finally show their true colors, overthrow the en- 
 tire army and the cause for which it stands. 
 
 That is the reason why I said to you one night 
 a year ago that I did not know what Con- 
 gress would do when it come to face the question 
 
 20
 
 306 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 of seating Victor L. Berger, the Wisconsin So- 
 cialist, elected from the Milwaukee district; nor 
 how Berger could conscientiously take the pre- 
 scribed oath to support the Constitution. It 
 seems now that he did take it without squirming, 
 but were I a Socialist, I do not think I could 
 were I a member of the House, I certainly would 
 have raised the question of his eligibility to his 
 seat on constitutional grounds. I would not 
 have raised the question against Berger as a man. 
 I would have raised it against him as a Socialist, 
 on the assumption that Socialism is, to any exist- 
 ing government, revolutionary, traitorous, trea- 
 sonable, and should have no legal standing in our 
 law-making body, nor in any other legally con- 
 stituted body involving the interpretation or exe- 
 cution of our laws. 
 
 The fact is, Mike, that Socialism is a bad egg. 
 In any country where it has an organization, 
 in relation to the structure and functions of the 
 government, it has bile on its liver. There is 
 sedition in its mouthings and revolution in its 
 heart. Instead of passing it by as a species of 
 political and ethical insanity, it should be taken 
 seriously for what it is, an Ishmaelite among the 
 nations of the earth, which should have the stand- 
 ing of an Ishmaelite only. Put it in the legisla- 
 tive department of the government in the person
 
 THE UNDER PUP 307 
 
 of its Bergers or Bax's? Not that anybody 
 knows of. You might just as well, and with as 
 good show to national safety, have selected Rus- 
 sian officers to command the army of Japan, or 
 vice versa, during the Russo-Japanese war. 
 Might as well allow your competitor in business^ 
 to come in and take the management of your 
 affairs. He would be fully as loyal to your in- 
 terests. No, Mike, there is no use temporizing, 
 with Socialism. The thing to do with it, is what 
 Mrs. Fitzsimmons told Bob, at Reno, to do with 
 Corbet, "Jab him in the slats," and do it the way 
 Bob did do it to win, and do it with all your 
 might. Politically, Socialism is the Turkey Buz- 
 zard of the earth. It lives and thrives on the pu- 
 trescence of political corruption ; the scandals re- 
 sulting from the exposed crookedness and bribed 
 action of trusted officials. It is only, when men 
 iwhom we have trusted with office betray their 
 trust, and political scandal results, that Socialism 
 feels good feels that water is pouring on its 
 wheel. It is only when corruption is exposed 
 that Socialism sees a chance to gain adherents 
 fast. And, it does not expect to gain them then, 
 by explaining the fundamental doctrines on 
 Iwhich it is based. Not much. It expects to gain 
 ,them by constantly thrumming on the corruption 
 extant. As soon as the lovers of decency, in
 
 308 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 politics get active, and bring the guilty to judg- 
 ment ; as soon as the irregularities are corrected, 
 Socialism must wait, and look for a lapse in some 
 other direction. Make men prosperous and 
 Socialism is a dead duck. Put the class conscious 
 cry out of business and Socialism would make 
 just one little gurgle and collapse. Nothing 
 will hurt Socialism as badly as telling the truth 
 about it getting men to see what it really is. 
 
 The fact is, there is no class spirit in this 
 country, outside of Socialists themselves, and 
 a few vulgar apers of foreign aristocracy in some 
 sections of the East. The great mass of the 
 people do not cut a fellow in the West because 
 he is in limited financial circumstances. They 
 only do so when they find him morally unworthy. 
 When his character is bad, his habits question- 
 able, his associations disreputable, or he is natur- 
 ally coarse, vulgar and unreliable, they let him 
 drop. Socialists then get at him, tell him it is 
 the economic condition of the country that puts 
 him under. If he were to close his ears to their 
 yawp, straighten up and try to help himself, a 
 thousand hands would reach for his. We all be- 
 gan poor; many like Walter Case, have 
 come up from the lower story, and every one of 
 that class will give the rest of us the glad hand, 
 and extend help when they are convinced that
 
 THE UNDER PUP 309 
 
 we are making an honest effort to climb. If, 
 in spite of all the object lessons about him, 
 a man will live in, and for his appetite, if he 
 will loaf around all summer and let the people 
 help his family through the winter; if he will 
 squander his wages for drink, and must go 
 ragged and hungry; if he will be a drone and a 
 vagabond, the western people say his condition 
 is of his own making and he must suffer the con- 
 sequences. Everybody says they are correct ex- 
 cept the Socialists, and, Mike, let's be charitable 
 and say they do not know. They cannot dis- 
 tinguish or they would understand. Their 
 anxiety to "do capitalism" blinds them to the 
 truth. 
 
 I reckon, Mike, if a dog ever thinks about 
 the problems that bother human beings, it has 
 puzzled you as to why I have been worrying 
 over Socialism all winter the way I have. I do 
 not know myself, unless being a bum of long 
 and varied experience, it is natural that I should 
 puzzle over bum questions. Then, too, maybe 
 it was, because I found that the average Socialist 
 propagandist was so cock sure that all tramps 
 and vagabonds are the products of the economic 
 the capitalistic system, when I knew his "in- 
 controvertible facts" were the vagaries largely 
 of fevered imagination alone, that I was intui-
 
 310 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 lively impelled by a desire to find him an irre- 
 sponsible windjammer on everything else con- 
 nected with the subject. 
 
 My experience has been that Socialists are 
 wasting both their sympathy and ammunition 
 on the tramp and the tramp question. While 
 tramps are often dissolute, and always vaga- 
 bonds, and frequently small and mean, most of 
 them are men of a good deal more intelligence 
 than they are given credit for. Many of them 
 are men of superior education. Nineteen out of 
 twenty of them, will be free to tell you that they 
 are bumming just because they prefer that sort 
 of life. They will tell you that it is not because 
 they are oppressed, nor because economic condi- 
 tions are bad in their case, that they are rovers, 
 but it is because the people are soft-hearted and 
 dead easy. It is true they go hungry at times, 
 but generally they have plenty to eat. Not 
 many women ever refuse a tramp a decent "hand 
 out" when he puts up a good story of dire mis- 
 fortune; and most of us can do that in the most 
 attractive and artistic style. It is easier to lie 
 for a good meal than it is for a lazy man to work 
 for it; and after a while on the road, we get 
 used to it, and prefer it to a life of toil, with only 
 a little more comfort. If the people would stop 
 believing our "tales of woe," would quit feeding
 
 THE UNDER PUP 311 
 
 us "free gratis for nothing," and the laws were 
 so framed that we would have to work or starve 
 and were then honestly enforced, you would 
 see an end to the tramp question, and see it 
 mighty quick. Men are tramps because they are 
 inoculated with the "wander lust" microbe, or 
 because they are of that peculiar vagabond dis- 
 position that makes them the industrial irre- 
 sponsibles of their day and kind. Many of them 
 are sons of some of the better and wealthier class 
 of American families. It is the scapegrace 
 nature, of about all of them, that makes them 
 what they are; that, and too much unnecessary 
 charity among the people. For the great army 
 of women and children that are fed and clothed 
 by the charitably inclined, and by benevolent or- 
 ganizations all over the land, there is just one 
 sentence of explanation. It covers to a T the 
 entire reason for their distress: "Drinking, 
 trifling, improvident, dissolute parents, husbands 
 or sons." There are a few ne'er-do-we'els for 
 whose incapacity and perennial misfortune no 
 remedy has ever yet been found. Then there is 
 one more class. It is composed of the human 
 bipeds who are "brainy" and industrious as 
 readers, thinkers and theory expounders, but 
 who have a screw loose when it comes to physical 
 labor and business pursuits anything except 
 making a living by the "sweat of their jaw.'*
 
 312 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 If we look them up, we can trace them 
 throughout the history of organized society. 
 Dreamers they are, in the forefront of every 
 "reform" that has a place open, at so much per, 
 for their peculiar class of talent. Years ago, 
 they were the "prohibition orators." A little 
 later along, they were at the head of the 
 "Populist" movement as oratorical unanswera- 
 bles. Now, many of them are among the more 
 persuasive Socialist apostles. They are not dis- 
 honest. They are so mentally geared that, while 
 in the midst of the fray, they see it that way, 
 as the thing the nearest, always looks the largest 
 and the handsomest. These "Reform Move- 
 ments" are a sort of providential thing. If it 
 were not for them they would either have to 
 starve or go to work, and neither one would be 
 pleasant. Many of them were clergymen, but 
 either they moved too fast for the church, or the 
 church moved too slow for them. Anyway, 
 there was a hinge off somewhere, and the voice 
 of "conscience and humanity called them to the 
 broader field." 
 
 There has grown up, in America especially, an 
 abnormal spirit of greed for gain. Some men 
 with the "money faculty" got ahead in the world 
 easily. They soon found that poor men were aii 
 their mercy, took advantage of it and ground
 
 THE UNDER PUP 313 
 
 labor wherever they could, so there has been just 
 cause for complaint. But the cause can be re- 
 moved through legislation along constitutional 
 lines. And there is every evidence that the effort 
 is being honestly made. If the intelligent and 
 patriotic American voters (and there are plenty 
 of them) will do their duty the evil will be re- 
 moved easier, and sooner, than most people think. 
 Socialism is a good thing in one way its 
 vagaries and criminal nature will soon be fully 
 understood. It will get enough votes to actually 
 frighten the law-loving people, the thinking class 
 of statesmen, and the great captains of industry, 
 in an inch of their lives. Then such action will 
 be taken as to do two very essential things: 
 
 First: Place the great industries and the 
 workingmen in a more amicable and just relation 
 to each other. Make a more equitable and just 
 distribution of the products of labor. Secure 
 better wage conditions. 
 
 Second : Create such civic and legal conditions, 
 as to the criminal and vagrant classes, as will 
 effectually close up the open avenue to the crime 
 and misery, that come through the free exercise 
 of appetite and indolence. Treat vagrancy as 
 a crime, and neglect to support wife and children, 
 as cause for arrest and enforced industry. 
 
 Socialism will then go the way of all the mon-
 
 314 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 grel and bastard "reform movements" with 
 which civilization has been stirred, from time to 
 time, since its foundation. That is my prophecy, 
 and this generation will see it fulfilled. Either 
 that, or Socialist conventions will openly re- 
 pudiate its standard authors on what they teach 
 as Socialism. 
 
 You and I, Mike, will join the procession for 
 the uplift of both men and and dogs from 
 this time on. Walter Case and family are to be 
 out here in July. And Betty and the babies are 
 coming along. Walt, is going to build a six- 
 room cottage for the LeClaire family and "Old 
 Man LeClaire" is going to build a kennel for 
 Mike. It will be the best ever. 
 
 I'll not ask Betty to trust me fully. I am not 
 worth it. But I will let her carry the pocket- 
 book. I know, then, that the money will not go 
 for gin. It will go for what Socialism claims 
 will make human society perfect grub, clothes 
 and shelter. If Socialism is correct, the LeClaire 
 gang will be "peacherinos" and no mistake, for 
 we will have the best these meadow lands will 
 grow, and the best the stores will furnish. And 
 you, Mike? You will have the best care of any- 
 thing on the place. You know, that by saving 
 little Violet Marion's life in Boulder, you got me 
 this place. Violet is coming up to see us when
 
 THE UNDER PUP 315 
 
 the folks get out here. I do hope no one will tell 
 them how shabby I was that day. I want to for- 
 get it myself. Let's you and I just act so de- 
 cent and respectable, that even. Betty and the 
 babies will forget that they ever heard we were 
 bums, and just conclude, after all, that I was laid 
 up with the whooping cough for ten years, and 
 you were given to me by a prince of the realm. 
 
 I've made my peace with Betty, or, rather 
 Walt Case has for me. The old "see decency 
 where it is not," and well, Mike, it is a long 
 lane that has no end. But this one started up 
 hill last October, and now in May, she is still 
 headed toward the summit. When we get on top, 
 old man, we will see the golden glory of the 
 autumnal sunset. We will hear the music of the 
 wild winds the music of a freedom tuned in 
 harmony with law. The music of hope, pure, 
 unblotted, that shall be answered back by the 
 "still, small" voice of the eternal, "peace," "love," 
 "law," "order" and "good will among men." A 
 clean man with clean habits, a clean conscience 
 and high resolutions, make a pretty healthy mix. 
 If you can keep them tied together, Mike, the 
 combination is a good thing, as Walt Case says, 
 to have lying around. It creates a healthy ap- 
 petite and is a good sleep producer.
 
 TALK SEVENTEEN 
 
 WELL, Mike, old man, this is our last lone- 
 some together. Tomorrow night the folks will 
 be here. With their coming in at the door So- 
 cialism must go out. We have read Socialist 
 literature from "Dan to Beersheba." What we 
 don't know about the subject, nobody knows. 
 Beginning with Carl Marx and Frederick En- 
 gles we have read every standard authority of 
 the cult down the line to George D. Herron, the 
 American secretary to the international council. 
 The very fact that Socialists maintain an inter- 
 national central body, or organization, is evidence 
 conclusive that Socialism is unified. There is 
 no such thing as American Socialism, English 
 Socialism, German Socialism. It is International 
 Socialism. Its principles, its objects, its aims 
 are the same in every country under the sun. 
 The only difference between the Socialists of 
 Germany and those of the United States, is the 
 established governments being different, their 
 methods of attack are different. Local issues 
 are different. They adjust their local platform 
 in each country to the nature of existing local 
 political conditions. But their ultimate aim, on 
 both sides of the sea, is the same the capture 
 
 316
 
 THE UNDER PUP 317 
 
 and overthrow of the government. This they 
 propose to do by either one of two methods 
 by combining the "proletariat" into a local, 
 national political branch, which shall at the 
 first opportunity capture all the important of- 
 fices of the government. This done they will 
 then use their official power to confiscate all the 
 means of production (which necessarily includes 
 land) and distribution from private hands, and 
 turn them over to the co-operative ownership of 
 the public. Having thus used the power of the 
 existing state, to rob its property owning citizen- 
 ship, they will scuttle the craft, let it sink into 
 oblivion, and in its place proclaim an American, 
 German, English or French branch of the 
 coming "great unified international co-operative 
 commonwealth" an economic conglomeration 
 in which there will be no "authority over men, 
 only an administration of things." Bax in 
 "Woman in the Past, Present and Future," 
 page 145, tells what will be the condition when 
 that will have been accomplished : 
 
 "The representatives of the state will have dis- 
 appeared along with the state itself ministers, 
 parliaments, standing armies, police and gens 
 d'armes, law courts, lawyers and public prosecu- 
 tors, prisons, rates, taxes and excises the entire 
 political apparatus."
 
 318 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 You will remember, Mike, what the Appeal 
 to Reason of July 11, 1903, also says of that 
 "coming day:" "Under Socialism the govern- 
 ment will have no other function but the admin- 
 istration of the public industries. Socialism is 
 opposed to all interference with the personal lib- 
 erties of the people." The Socialists are going 
 to do, as each pleases or bust. 
 
 There is no one thing on which Socialist 
 authorities the world over standard authors 
 and influential journals are more uniformly 
 agreed, than that Socialism means to bring about 
 the exact conditions described above by Bax, 
 and the Appeal to Reason, when if ever, it is 
 established. 
 
 And, Mike, every man who reads the state- 
 ments made uniformly by Socialist authorities- 
 George D. Herron, the highest American So- 
 cialist official included as to the economic and 
 social conditions Socialism would establish, 
 knows, intuitively, that the localities where it 
 would be received with the loudest acclaim, where 
 it would be the most popular, would be in the 
 outlaw camps, the jails, penitentiaries and dens 
 of infamy of the earth. There is no use to mince 
 matters. That is the bald and everlasting truth, 
 and any man who loves his home, his family, his 
 country, everything decent in human history and
 
 THE UNDER PUP 319 
 
 human progress, who, on learning what Social- 
 ism proposes to do, would espouse its cause, or 
 vote its ticket is certainly rank "bug-house," or 
 on the road to everlasting moral irresponsibility. 
 Many and many an honest and patriotic man, has 
 been voting the Socialist ticket in all countries. 
 There are existing economic and industrial 
 wrongs, which in this money-mad age, have not 
 been molested. With trust and corporate hire- 
 lings, in politics, they have become discouraged. 
 Socialists have taken advantage of conditions, 
 talked gratuitously and promised the earth, have 
 iterated and reiterated the wonderful things they 
 would do if placed in power all for the "poor 
 and oppressed." This looked like the best thing 
 in sight, and so they have voted the ticket be- 
 lieving Socialism to be only a new American 
 political party which, placed in power, would 
 right our political wrongs, be loyal in their leg- 
 islative efforts to the government and the con- 
 stitution. The pamphlets and Socialist papers 
 circulated among the people have been all tuned 
 to create prejudice against the trusts and cor- 
 porations, against the republican and democratic 
 parties, as their aiders and abettors all to win 
 votes for themselves. The full philosophy of 
 international Socialism that the government, 
 the family, the church, with all our institutions,
 
 320 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 are the outgrowth of our economic system, have 
 been invented by capitalism and bound on the 
 people for the sole purpose of enslaving the 
 masses and keeping the wealth of the world in 
 the hands of the rich, and that all must go into 
 the ditch in order that Socialism may attain its 
 desired ends has been kept in the background. 
 If one of these voters on reading Marx, Engles, 
 Bax or any of the Socialist standards, becomes 
 dissatisfied and asks questions, he is told that 
 Socialism is changing and that the atheism, free 
 loveism, communism and private property con- 
 fiscatory doctrine, was only the individual opin- 
 ion of authors now mostly laid on the shelf, or 
 dead and in their graves. So, very many of the 
 rank and file do not understand the revolution- 
 ary, immoral, atheistic, free love, villainous na- 
 ture, of the full and inevitable consequences that 
 must follow the establishment of the "Socialistic 
 State." If they did they would avoid Socialism 
 as healthy men do a pest-house. 
 
 The second method of ushering in Socialism 
 is by "a violent and bloody revolution." The 
 first to suggest the plan, and possibility, was Carl 
 Marx in the Manifesto. The last was an edi- 
 torial in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin, "Social 
 Democratic Herald" of July 31, 1909, written 
 by Victor L. Berger, now in the United States
 
 THE UNDER PUP 321 
 
 congress as a Socialist. Most of the prominent 
 and influential Socialist leaders of all countries, 
 who have spoken on the subject, express a like 
 sentiment. But, as vote-catching seems to be 
 slowly succeeding, the more violent method is 
 at present denied by their agitators of the small- 
 fry variety. 
 
 We must not forget, Mike, that every Social- 
 ist authority, from Marx to Herron, agrees with 
 all the rest, as to what constitutes true Socialist 
 philosophy. The very first basic doctrine about 
 which there is no dispute is that of "Economic 
 Determinism." That is, that economics "the 
 food supply," "the struggle for existence" the 
 way life's necessities are produced and distrib- 
 uted, together with the amount each man is to 
 possess determine the existence, the nature and 
 character of every public institution. You will 
 find that every other Socialist writer there is 
 not a single exception on the subject accepts 
 the dictum of Carl Marx, as next to divine reve- 
 lation. Carl Marx was a materialist an athe- 
 ist a hater of the church. He, nor any other 
 atheist, had ever been able to make any great 
 impression on the church life of his time 
 through set atheistic arguments. Not believing 
 in the supernatural origin of religion, not believ- 
 ing that man has an immortal soul, and having
 
 322 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 no longing for things higher than food and 
 clothing himself, being largely of an inventive 
 and speculative mind and having an unquench- 
 able thirst for power, he put two and two to- 
 gether. Reasoning, from his own low animal 
 standpoint, he could see no cause for the existence 
 of religion, except to advance some selfish human 
 interest. Believing that, with himself, the high- 
 est ambition of men always has been for plenty 
 and power, he conceived the idea that the state, 
 the family and the religion of a future life, with 
 its promise of rewards and punishment after 
 death, were invented by shrewd, dominating, sel- 
 fish men, as so many coercing instruments 
 through which they could command the weak and 
 enslave the poor. That, little by little, the rich 
 got richer. Through the law of inheritance 
 wealth was kept in the hands of the few. The 
 state was controlled by the rich; all laws were 
 made in the interest of the property-holding 
 class. The court, police and prison system, were 
 all inaugurated to frighten and control the 
 rebellious poor. When the "proletariat," and 
 serf class rebelled in large numbers, military 
 power was inaugurated to overawe, slaughter or 
 whip them into submission. Religion was 
 brought into requisition to work on their hopes 
 and fears and thus force them to bear with some
 
 THE UNDER PUP 323 
 
 degree of fortitude their miserable lot. Religion 
 was one of the main things this old atheist was 
 after, as he wanted man to live like the animal 
 he believed he really is. The state, with its re- 
 straining laws, its police and prisons, its laws of 
 justice over property rights and moral relations, 
 was another. The legalized family (binding 
 one man and one woman together for life) as 
 the unit of the state the basis of society, 
 making it the guardian and protector of the 
 children, morally out-lawing illegal matings, 
 was another. Believing man to be an animal 
 only, he wanted him to live as the animal 
 lives, to browse and forage, and mate in un- 
 restrained license, as other animals browse and 
 forage and mate. Man being a mere animal, his 
 only needs are food to eat in plenty, shelter and 
 raiment, and any system that will hinder him 
 from eating all the food he craves, no difference 
 where he finds it, sleeping wherever there is shel- 
 ter, and being co-owner in raiment wherever 
 stored, he held as vicious and wrong. As to the 
 sex relation, man being an animal, should be al- 
 lowed to live and mate on the mere animal plane, 
 with no restraints except those of his own free 
 will. Personally, he should be no more respon- 
 sible, in the individual sense, for the rearing, and 
 education and care of his offspring than any 
 other animal.
 
 324 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Marx knew that he could not make a dent in 
 the civilized system of government by attacking 
 it direct. He'd be outlawed or tried and con- 
 demned for treason. Knew that he could not de- 
 stroy men's faith in religion by atheistic and ma- 
 terialistic arguments. That had been tried by 
 more profound thinkers than he, and had failed. 
 He could not destroy the family by any species of 
 open free love advocacy. He would only meet 
 with derision and utter contempt. He had, as 
 wholesome regard for his reputation as he had 
 for his liberty and his hide, as he had for the in- 
 tellectual and argumentative equipment of the 
 Christian, scientific and scholastic, world in open 
 debate. 
 
 Like the, exclusively, animal he imagined he 
 was, he was sneaking in attack. He made his 
 appeal to the uneducated, the unresourceful, the 
 unequipped element the wage earning, the im- 
 poverished class. He told them that all their 
 ills, all their poverty, all their want and misery 
 come not from their lack of industry or execu- 
 tive skill, lack of the cumulative faculty, lack 
 of willingness to save, to deny themselves today 
 for the morrow, and a thousand other little things 
 that could be overcome, but from the system of 
 civilization in which they live. That man is a 
 mere animal whose only needs, whose only func-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 325 
 
 tion, like other animals, is to eat, sleep, struggle 
 for existence, perpetuate his kind and be happy. 
 That in this struggle, a system of economics he 
 calls capitalism, has been organized by which the 
 capitalist enslaves them, keeps them poor and 
 piles up the world's supply of capital wealth for 
 himself the man who does not need it. He tells 
 them that this system of economics piles up 
 riches in the lap of the idle capitalist, who does 
 not work, and does it by wantonly robbing the 
 worker of what he creates. That to bind this 
 system of economics on the world capitalism 
 invented the "Capitalistic State," with its repres- 
 sive laws, its courts, prisons, police system; the 
 family, with its unanimal restrictions, as the basis 
 of society and unit of the state ; created religion, 
 when it should have known there was no God, no 
 future life with its imaginary rewards of heaven 
 and hell, to back up capitalism in its heartless 
 robbery and wage enslavement of the poor. And 
 under the entire system the poor will always be 
 poor and the rich will be rich with a constantly 
 widening gulf between them. 
 
 Every materialist with energy enough in him 
 to read, and ambition enough to fight, who has 
 read his theory, gobbled it down as joyously as a 
 buzzard does carrion. Engles, Bax, Bebel, 
 Morris, Vandervelde, Avery, Guesde, Hilquitt
 
 326 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 and a host of others. They all agree with Marx. 
 They and their tribe furnish the brains and the 
 organizing genius for the entire cult. They say 
 in one harmonious breath, that the one thing that 
 must come, is a universal, an international co- 
 operative commonwealth. This done, the capi- 
 talists will be unhorsed, their property confis- 
 cated, their ruling power destroyed. Then every- 
 body will run everything while it lasts ; the work- 
 ers the proletariat will hold the offices and 
 run the machine. They will eat of the best of 
 the land, wear the finest of clothes, live in brown 
 stone fronts. Their wives will be decked in silks 
 and glitter with jewels and if they take a shine 
 to other men, will be free to go, when and where 
 "love" beckons and fancy leads. The whole fight 
 is to be directed, at this time, against capitalism. 
 Religion is not to be put in the platform or dis- 
 cussed on the stump. Monogamic marriage is 
 also to be left out. Atheism is to be tabooed. 
 Why, Mike? Because to attack the church in the 
 platform, and on the stump, would drive away 
 votes. The same with free love. Now, why? 
 Because the state, the church, the family are all 
 part of the warp and woof of capitalism. 
 Do up capitalism, stab it to the heart, rip 
 it up the back, cut off its head, gouge out 
 its eyes, confiscate its ill-gotten gains, sock its
 
 THE UNDER PUP 327 
 
 slimy body in the sewer. When that is done the 
 state with all its institutions, being a part of 
 capitalism, will go into the sewer with it. The 
 monogamic family, which is the unit of the state, 
 will gurgle and die when the state dies. Religion 
 which is a capitalistic invention one of its chief 
 supports, will go into the sewer with the state. 
 
 Who teaches that, Mike? Marx, Engles, Bax, 
 Bebel, Feri, Vandervelde, Morris and the entire 
 Socialist college of standard authorities, living 
 and dead. 
 
 Do they teach it as their private opinion? No, 
 they do not. They teach it as the basis, the feet, 
 legs, head, brain, heart and lungs of interna- 
 tional Scientific Socialism. Not one of them 
 cares what the little Socialist voter believes on 
 religion. All he wants is for the comrade to 
 vote, vote, vote, and contribute his twenty-five 
 cents dues every month to the cause just to 
 keep on paying and voting till Socialism leaps 
 into power. Then it will socialize all property, 
 establish the co-operative commonwealth and 
 fiddle while capitalism, the state with all its laws 
 and prisons, the family with its life-long legal 
 tie, its exclusive, private home, its custom of 
 property inheritance for the children; religion 
 with its doctrines and precepts, its warnings and 
 encouragements, its inculcations of morals and
 
 328 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 brotherly good will, go down in death. What will 
 be handed to human society, to take their place? 
 Animalism pure and simple, materialism, athe- 
 ism, free love, the "goddess of reason," which 
 has ever been the unchained passions of the baser 
 self. 
 
 It is a proverb as old as time that no house 
 is large enough for two families to live in, in 
 peace, at the same time. Where each family 
 owns its own home, its own implements and its 
 own utensils, there is fraternity and good will. 
 Where there is joint ownership, the history of 
 the past is uniform, that there is little except 
 contention and strife. Uniform human experi- 
 ence has testified that joint ownership, partner- 
 ships and collective property, have been the pro- 
 lific source of strife and ill will. This has been 
 true regardless of whether the parties to the con- 
 tract were poor and hungry, or rich and well-fed. 
 The condition of the stomach, or external cir- 
 cumstances, had little to do with mental attitudes. 
 
 Another thing, characteristic of all society, is 
 that few, outside of mothers for their children 
 or servants for their masters, will stoop to vari- 
 ous phases of coarser toil. Unless "pay is big," or 
 rules rigid and authority strong to enforce, there 
 is a very large range of necessary, but objection- 
 able work in the interest of sanitation, that will
 
 THE UNDER PUP 329 
 
 be neglected. Then there is a numerically large 
 class who never have toiled and never will, unless 
 driven by necessity, or authority. Now, in an 
 anarchy where there is no government outside of 
 individual will, this class cannot be handled. 
 Since the public will own everything and they are 
 a part of the public, they will have a right to 
 the public stores, work or no work. Since there 
 will be no "rule over men," only an "adminis- 
 tration of things," how will, how can this vagrant 
 gang be controlled for the public weal? "Oh, but 
 when all men have abundance, all men will do 
 their share." But will they? Since the days of 
 history, the better this class is fed, the better 
 housed and clothed, the more trifling and lazy 
 its members are. The larger share of the real 
 misery of the world today is not from poverty or 
 hunger or over property ownership. It is from 
 another source. I am afraid, Mike, that Carl 
 Marx and his apostles were more anxious to get 
 religion and some other restraints out of the 
 way than they were to bring the society of men 
 into a more contented and happy state. It is a 
 fact, noted everywhere, that very few men who 
 are Socialists remain in the church. In most in- 
 stances to become a Socialist is to soon drop all 
 religious profession. Another common rule is 
 that when the average Socialist begins to prosper
 
 330 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 his Socialistic ardor dies, and if fortune continues 
 with him, he in the end, gives up Socialism and 
 becomes "capitalistic." The honest, intelligent, 
 ambitious workingman knows that he can always 
 get work and at good wages. He knows fur- 
 ther that there are constantly better positions 
 ahead for him, and that nine-tenths of the high- 
 salaried positions are held by men who were poor 
 boys who pushed to the top. He knows that 
 when he looks around he sees that in the hardest 
 times there are work and wages for the best 
 men, while in the best of times there is little 
 work, and the lowest wages, for trifling, lazy men. 
 He will see further, that the very men who are 
 yowling the loudest for a better system of human 
 government, have been, and are, doing the least, 
 through industry, loyalty, patriotic or civic 
 action, to better the one we now have. 
 
 Thousands of our American boys were loung- 
 ing around the streets, they and their parents 
 claiming there was nothing to do. A lot of 
 dark-skinned boys came from over the sea, 
 opened "shine parlors" in the same towns, and 
 are making a living and laying up money every 
 year. Oh, yes, comrade, getting on in the world 
 is in the boy, the man. He makes his own star, 
 carves his own fortune; and, Mike, the boy or 
 dog that keeps on hunting will finally corner big
 
 THE UNDER PUP 331 
 
 game. There are opportunities lots of them 
 going to waste, not in the next county or the 
 next state, but right in every boy's own town. 
 If he will get his grey matter, his ambition and 
 his muscles, all to work one of them will trot 
 into sight. I a big, strong man could not 
 make a living because I was dissipated and lazy. 
 Betty a little weak woman jumped in and 
 did, because she had brains, industry and spunk. 
 I say now, Mike, as I said in the beginning, our 
 condition is not in our stars. It is in us.
 
 SOCIALISM AND CRIME 
 TALK EIGHTEEN 
 
 WE DO not always read history straight. We 
 see events from different angles. We see all the 
 faults in our neighbors, all the virtues in our- 
 selves. Seeing two dogs fight, we take sides with 
 one or the other. Sensitive, selfish and narrow, 
 we magnify for ourselves, we minify for others. 
 That for which we condemn our fellows we con- 
 done in ourselves. It is a wry old world into 
 which we have stumbled, and about the wriest 
 things in it are our own little egos. The quality 
 of self -adulation and self -commiseration are in- 
 herent. This will explain the demand, made by 
 the class conscious Socialist in the miners' con- 
 vention at Indianapolis last January, that the 
 conditions be so changed that, instead of the 
 property owner being able to turn the police and 
 militia guns on rioting strikers, the strikers be 
 enabled to turn them on the property owners. 
 Now that was not the right way to put it. Con- 
 ditions should be created by which property 
 would be protected, and both sides be compelled, 
 to do equal justice to the other. Had I been 
 president of the United States during the Debs 
 railroad strike at Chicago, I would have seen 
 
 332
 
 THE UNDER PUP 333 
 
 that the property of the roads was amply pro- 
 tected. I would then have seen that the roads 
 carried the mails in the mail cars (the cars con- 
 structed for that purpose) or put every one of 
 them into the hands of a receiver, till such time 
 as their owners and their employees could come 
 to an equitable and satisfactory agreement as 
 to wages and time. 
 
 During the past few years there has been an 
 incessant war carried on between the "closed" 
 and the "open" shop between the men who in- 
 sist that hungry men shall not be allowed to earn 
 a living until they join a union and contribute 
 each month, or year, to the support of walking 
 delegates and high-salaried officials, and the in- 
 dependent employers and wage earners, who in- 
 sist on the open shop a shop in which the work- 
 ers shall have an equal chance on the basis of 
 industry and merit alone. 
 
 Dynamiting outrages and cold-blooded mur- 
 der soon began all over the country. Vast prop- 
 erty holdings were wrecked, innocent lives were 
 destroyed. Wherever non-union labor was em- 
 ployed there was constant danger of attack and 
 destruction. Then came the horror of horrors 
 the destruction of the Los Angeles Times build- 
 ing, and the accompanying murder of twenty-one 
 innocent men. This dastardly and cowardly deed,
 
 334 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 sent a thrill of horror throughout the civilized 
 world, and the friends of law and order decided 
 to bring the diabolical and villainous work to 
 an end, no difference where the blame should fall. 
 
 General Otis, proprietor of the Times, had 
 run an "open shop," and fought Socialism and the 
 growing labor trust, with all the great ability of 
 a fertile mind and the immense power of abun- 
 dant means. He, at once, charged the death of 
 his employees and the destruction of his prop- 
 erty, to the venom and diabolism of union labor. 
 Union labor and Socialism came back with the 
 countercharge that the explosion was the act of 
 General Otis himself, through connivance with 
 some one else, in a conspiracy to discredit and 
 destroy union labor. 
 
 In the meantime William J. Burns, the Chi- 
 cago detective, who had the reputation of always 
 getting the game and of never making a false 
 arrest, was employed to unearth the guilty. 
 Looking the ground over he decided that all the 
 dynamiting outrages had been perpetrated on one 
 class of industry only that of the "open shop" 
 and could be traced to one source that it was 
 an organized and systematic conspiracy on the 
 part of union labor to terrorize the "open shop" 
 and drive them into the "labor trust" that 
 neither property rights, the sacredness of
 
 THE UNDER PUP 335 
 
 human life, nor the fear of God deterred them in 
 their nefarious work. With infinite patience and 
 consummate skill days, weeks, months, he fol- 
 lowed clew after clew and finally landed at the 
 door of the McNamara brothers in Indianapolis, 
 one of whom was the secretary and treasurer of 
 the Structural Bridge Workers Union. He had 
 them "dead to rights" and knew it. The evi- 
 dence was conclusive, not a link in the chain 
 missing. Then followed their arrest and with 
 them, as co-worker, one Ortie McManigal. 
 Making the evidence more conclusive McMani- 
 gal weakened and confessed in full. 
 
 What was the evidence? First: That the in- 
 ternational union contributed to John J. Mc- 
 Namara $1,000 per month $12,000 per year 
 a sum for which there was no required accounting 
 to any man on earth. 
 
 Second : Incriminating evidence of unmistak- 
 able character, was found in and about John J. 
 McNamara's office. 
 
 Third : Evidence was unearthed to show that 
 the McNamaras had been for years, engaged in 
 the vocation of blowing up "open shop" prop- 
 erty, and in connection with others conspiring 
 and preparing plans for the most atrocious and 
 cold-blooded villainies in civilized history. All 
 this was known and it should have had weight 
 with all men of reason.
 
 336 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 Socialism was not directly involved thus far, 
 but it could not wait. It must show its dirty 
 hand. Socialist papers, edited by long-haired, 
 wild-eyed, crack-brained, class conscious, blatant 
 demagogues, whose chief profession is breathing 
 dynamite against "capitalism," but whose cow- 
 ardly fingers never handle it, shut their eyes to 
 the nature of the evidence secured, closed their 
 minds to reason and prudence if they ever had 
 any and waded in up to their chins. Eugene 
 V. Debs, twice Socialist candidate for president, 
 and one Wayland, editor of The Appeal to Rea- 
 son, were about the most gassy and libelous of 
 the entire lot. To them Burns and Otis were 
 co-conspirators in the plot to down the unions 
 directly and all "wage slaves" incidentally. The 
 McNamaras were a pair of kidnaped martyrs 
 to be offered on the altar of injustice, to appease 
 the ghoulish vengeance of capitalism. Ortie 
 McManigal was the tool of capitalism, and the 
 diabolical kingpin, of the prize brood of monu- 
 mental liars and character assassinators. The 
 public press was subsidized by capital against 
 labor and would falsely color the news. Social- 
 ist papers and especially, The Appeal to Reason, 
 would give the truth and give it correct. That 
 was the only place you could get the full, un- 
 colored report. Everybody and especially the
 
 THE UNDER PUP 337 
 
 poor, downtrodden "proletariat" should send 
 in, each one dime, and get every issue of the 
 Appeal during the trial. The greatest conflict 
 between that blighting monster, capitalism, and 
 the "wage slaves" was now on, and the Appeal 
 was eternally and everlastingly on the side of 
 the weak and the oppressed. And how the hon- 
 est, super-excited sons of credulity did send in 
 their dimes, to the enlargement of the circulation 
 of the Appeal and the incidental enrichment of 
 the editor. And how he did draw on his imagina- 
 tion, how he did reason with his gall duct, and 
 how he did berate Burns, Otis and capitalism, see 
 gigantic capitalistic spooks, lie, to work on the 
 prejudices, excite and mislead simple, honest, 
 ignorant men. It was a wonderful harvest of 
 dimes for Socialist papers and of Socialist ex- 
 aggerations. 
 
 From early morn till late at night the Social- 
 istic element, in and out of the ranks of union 
 labor, pleaded the criminal conspiracy of capital 
 and the ultra innocence of the McNamaras. La- 
 bor must go down deep into its pocket and raise 
 an immense defense fund hundreds of thou- 
 sands if necessary and the honest, misinformed, 
 misled, deceived masses of Socialism and labor 
 came across. They poured into the defense 
 treasury over $200,000 in cold cash. I wonder 
 
 22
 
 338 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 how much of that sum came out of the private 
 purse of Eugene Debs and Editor Wayland 
 and the wind- jamming coterie of Socialistic pen- 
 cil shovers. I'd like to see the full amount of 
 their gift properly credited, specially that of 
 Wayland and Debs. The Appeal to Reason 
 unearthed a mare's nest of huge proportions. 
 Its prize find was George Shoaf, a Socialist 
 Sherlock Holmes, who had the absolute evidence 
 that Otis planted the dynamite himself to blow 
 up the Times building. Shoaf was to come for- 
 ward at the right time and furnish the proof. But 
 he lied about it, and Wayland is dumb. The trial 
 began. Clarence Darrow did his level best. 
 Weeks before the end came he saw absolute 
 futility in the effort to clear the McNamaras. 
 The testimony against them was complete and 
 invulnerable. The McNamaras themselves told 
 him of their guilt. At the very last, money from 
 the fund, contributed for an honest defense, was 
 seen paid over, on the streets of Los Angeles, 
 to a juror as a bribe to vote J. B. McNamara 
 innocent though the evidence should prove him 
 as guilty as Judas. Then the climax. Darrow 
 begged for mercy. A compromise was made 
 with the state. The McNamaras pleaded guilty 
 J. B. to blowing up the Times building and 
 John J. to another outrage. They saved their
 
 THE UNDER PUP 339 
 
 villainous necks, and likely a lot of murdering 
 varmints higher up. 
 
 From that day to this the Socialist press has 
 not offered a single word of apology for its lying, 
 misleading, treasonable and denunciatory course 
 in the premises. It exerted its strength to the 
 utmost to condone the McNamara crime, by un- 
 ceasing, insane, unreasonable, superheated at- 
 tacks on Burns, on Otis, on "capitalism," on 
 every phase of the prosecution. 
 
 It has made no apology to the honest men it 
 deceived and gulled. It has no amende honorable 
 for the men it abused and maligned. It is as 
 conscienceless now as it was blind, partisan and 
 vitriolic, before the trial began. There are a few 
 things that the honest, fair-minded, every-day 
 citizen of this great country should constantly 
 remember. 
 
 Remember that Socialism as a political organ- 
 ization was no more concerned in the McNamara 
 case than were the republican and democratic 
 parties, yet it jumped into the game with both 
 feet, threw decency to the winds and that too 
 without invitation, rhyme or reason; stirred up 
 bad blood, deceived a lot of honest men and went 
 widely out of its way to make a consummate ass 
 of itself. The end has been that its illogical, 
 jump-at-conclusions, imprudent, superheated,
 
 340 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 treasonable nature, has been revealed to its ever- 
 lasting disgrace. It is an excitable, revolution- 
 ary cult at best. Its guiding spirit is ungoverned 
 impulse and blind prejudice, not reason and 
 prudence. It moves by passion, not from the 
 standpoint of judgment. Its very ego is against 
 justice, law and order. In every instance it has 
 been in sympathy, openly and above board, with 
 the criminal in court the world over not with 
 the government and the cause of justice. 
 
 When the McNamaras confessed, The Ap- 
 peal to Reason, which had been so chestily de- 
 fending them, instead of rejoicing that justice 
 had hit the right spot, fell back in its chair in 
 disappointed chagrin and gasped, "It is a jolt." 
 And it sure was. 
 
 Carl Marx and Ernest Engles started out in 
 the "Manifesto" by encouraging "violent revo- 
 lution." Bebel in Germany sang the same song. 
 Socialist writers and Socialist propagandist 
 when there has been the least excuse have 
 joined in the chorus. Victor L. Berger, the 
 Wisconsin editor, urged, editorially, that all 
 Socialists in this country should secure guns and 
 ammunition and be prepared to back their 
 ballots with their bullets. When there has been 
 any great criminal before the courts in this or 
 any other country, as in the case of the McNa-
 
 THE UNDER PUP 341 
 
 maras, class conscious Socialists, to the man, 
 have been for the culprit and against the govern- 
 ment. Honest voters have been misled so often, 
 by Socialist leaders, that every succeeding time 
 we look for a revolt. But, by some lying, sophis- 
 tical excuse, they have been able to quiet their 
 dupes in the past. This time there is no excuse. 
 ,The fact of guilt is too complete. There is no 
 explanation, no sophistry to fit. 
 
 Their charges against capitalism were, this 
 time as ever, the insane and idiotic imaginings of 
 class conscious envy and hatred. It had gone 
 far enough. Criminal union labor and Socialism, 
 were crawling up where widespread conspiracy 
 to destroy and kill, tear down and lay waste, was 
 possible; where independent men could be 
 driven, terrorized or completely ruined. God 
 Almighty himself intervened. He saw to it that 
 in the midst of crime breeding and wanton mur- 
 der, in the midst of conscious boastings and 
 strength, in the midst of class hate and secret 
 midnight plottings, in the hour of loud boasting 
 and seditious mouthings, in the midst of active 
 efforts at jury bribing and false charges the 
 indisputable confession of guilt should be wrung 
 from the lips of the deep-dyed, soul-stained 
 criminals themselves. The eyes of the deceived 
 and misled rank and file are now opened to
 
 342 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 the perfidy, the dishonesty, the disloyalty, the 
 villainy of self -assumed and self-seeking leaders, 
 whose god is their belly and whose ideal is un- 
 trammeled license. 
 
 Honest men, drop it. You have been lied to 
 and deceived, and now you know it. When the 
 lies have been exposed your leaders stand dumb, 
 but unrepentant. "Capitalism" let the McNa- 
 mara's off easy. It, according to Socialism, 
 won hands down. Do you see it, enslaving wage 
 earners, or setting harder lines now than be- 
 fore? True, it is still after the rest of the 
 blood-letting, property-destroying, "open shop" 
 persecuting, "scab" starving conspirators. Don't 
 you hope, reader, that they will be caught, 
 brought to justice, and the reign of terror 
 brought to a close in this fair land of ours? I 
 believe that you are honest and that you do. 
 There is nothing in Socialism for a man of 
 patriotism, of brains and ambition. Its press is 
 unreliable and misleading. It talks of Utopia, 
 but condones with crime. It tells you that you 
 are down and cannot get up when you should 
 know it lies like a gambler. Others are climbing 
 and so can you. In this country one man is as 
 good as another. To imagine you are down, 
 cannot get up, and have no chance is despair. It 
 spells defeat. That is the gospel of Socialism.
 
 THE UNDER PUP 343 
 
 Democracy, republicanism is the gospel of 
 equality, the beacon of hope. There are inequali- 
 ties. They can be righted. Extended democ- 
 racy under our constitution will do it. You can 
 help. Think as a man, hope as a man, talk as a 
 man, be a man. Hold your head up. Feel as 
 good as anybody. Take your place in the world 
 as one of the men who do things. See, then how 
 manly and free and like some real, useful, big 
 somebody you will feel. There is a bigger place 
 in the world for you than standing around lis- 
 tening to the brimstone yawp of some Socialist 
 yap about the meanness of capitalism, and the 
 low-down stick-in-the-mud he tries to make you 
 think you are. No siree, the gospel of Social- 
 ism is not for you. All it has ever done is to 
 insist that you are nobody and never will be. It 
 has lied to you, deceived you and almost 
 pounded common, manly, human ambition out 
 of you, and every time you met it it wanted a 
 dime or a quarter. Go home, partner, open the 
 door, play with the kiddies on the floor, kiss the 
 good wife, tell her you are not a slave, but a free 
 man, living in a free country, under a free flag, 
 and one of these days by sturdy honesty, indus- 
 try and good fellowship, you are going to be one 
 of the biggest men in town. 
 
 Do it, and then dump this feeling of pro-
 
 344 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 letariat, of wage slave, of a low-down nothing. 
 Get out from under the gloom and nightmare of 
 Socialism, and you are a, new man, standing out- 
 side of the gloom of despair in the sunshine of 
 hope and promise. You sure are. 
 
 BILL.
 
 AFTERWORD 
 
 I HAVE said again and again, in these talks, 
 that Socialism makes a special and peculiar 
 appeal to the criminal class to the dynamiter 
 and midnight assassin. That its sympathy, open 
 and above board, is with the men who trample 
 law and order under foot to carry out selfish 
 ends to further personal and class interests. 
 
 When William D. Heywood was on trial in 
 the Idaho courts, charged with complicity in the 
 assassination of Governor Steunenberg, and 
 other criminal outrages in the labor world of 
 the West, the Socialists, in defi of the govern- 
 ment and courts, nominated him for governor 
 of Colorado. They made a vigorous campaign 
 in the interest of his candidacy, appealing di- 
 rectly to the enemies of legal procedure. Eugene 
 V. Debs was personally on the stump in his be- 
 half, making such appeals as only a class con- 
 scious, rattle-brained revolutionist can make. 
 Heywood polled the entire Socialist vote of the 
 state and then some. 
 
 Recently The Appeal to Reason has been 
 taking a straw vote among Socialists as to presi- 
 dential preferences for the campaign of 1912. 
 The result when last heard from stood : Eugene 
 
 345
 
 346 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 V. Debs 65,928, John J. McNamara 54,726, 
 Sam Gompers 48,225, W. D. Heywood 41,109. 
 John J. McNamara, the self-confessed dyna- 
 miter, serving a fourteen-year sentence in the 
 California penitentiary, stands second in the list. 
 Under the circumstances this vote is incontro- 
 vertibly indicative of the law-defying, criminal- 
 sympathizing character of a very large element 
 of the Socialist party. 
 
 Now this is not recorded with any hope of 
 swaying the class conscious runt. What he needs 
 is brains and patriotic regeneration. It is in- 
 tended for the men of honest purpose, patriotic 
 convictions, lovers of civic purity, who might be 
 led into the Socialist menagerie, as a protest 
 against the misrule of old party professional 
 politicians who, after having been elected to office 
 betray their trust. Don't do it, fellows. It 
 would be like jumping out of the river into a 
 stream of molten lava. No, comrade, John J. 
 McNamara is not "a martyr like the Boston tea 
 spillers." The Boston tea party was a protest, 
 by patriots against tyranny and unjust taxation. 
 John J. McNamara was a plotter of outrage, 
 of midnight murder, against honest, hard-work- 
 ing men, who insisted on the right to earn an 
 honest living without a collar around their necks, 
 which forced them to pay dues to a lot of walking
 
 THE UNDER PUP 347 
 
 delegates and high-salaried trust officials, who 
 plot dynamite and breathe destruction. He is 
 not suffering martyrdom. He is paying the just 
 penalty for crime against honest, legitimate in- 
 dustry and unfettered, free American labor. 
 
 Unions are all right when formed to advance 
 the interests of labor on just lines, but when it 
 yells "scab" at industrious American working 
 men earning an honest living, grabs dynamite 
 and spreads death and destruction, it is villain- 
 ous, diabolical and inhuman. If my dog Mike, 
 on hearing some class conscious, murder-loving 
 yap, speak of McNamara as a martyr and com- 
 parable with the Boston tea spillers, would not 
 bite him in the leg and run him off the place, 
 I'd kick him out of the house and disown him, 
 as a degenerate even among common curs. 
 
 Also there is the announced fact that Socialism 
 has been routed, foot, horse and dragoons, from 
 the official control of the city of Milwaukee. 
 When the American flag was unfurled in a 
 republican-democratic rally in the city cam- 
 paign, press reports say Socialists tried to break 
 up the meeting by walking out; and also that 
 a Socialist spell-binder publicly declared that 
 Lincoln and Jefferson were not patriots. That 
 settled their hash in Milwaukee. It is once more 
 an American city by over 13,000 majority. I tell
 
 348 THE UNDER PUP 
 
 you, Mr. Reader, as I told Mike early in the 
 game, that one trial is all Socialism needs in any 
 city, to break its incompetent, disorganizing, 
 revolutionary, unconstitutional neck. 
 
 There is no question about the un-American, 
 irreligious, free love nature of the cult. Its 
 appeal to class spirit is enough to damn it in any 
 American community. And now, with its oppo- 
 sition to the stars and stripes cropping out 
 wherever its votaries imagine they have sufficient 
 strength to show their colors, as in Los Angeles 
 and Milwaukee, together with its uniform de- 
 fense of criminals such as the McNamaras, and a 
 voluminous expressed preference for John J. 
 McNamara for president of these United States 
 by its class conscious crowd, should fix its status 
 in your mind and that should be such as to 
 arouse your everlasting contempt. The honest 
 man who has been misled, the half Socialist who 
 is just being misled and the great body of 
 Americans who are honest, industrious and 
 patriotic should do just one thing to this for- 
 eign, revolutionary, incompetent, disloyal cult 
 every time they have a chance "jab it in the 
 slats" and jab it hard. 
 
 BILL.
 
 DATE DUE 
 
 OAVLORD 
 
 PRINTED INU A