ML 50 It M:ADEniC ^T.TRRF. TTO! COMIC OPERA mxiiDtv^it^ of Cl)icago Settlement League i; I-: N F- 1- I r F ii N d A MUSICAL COMEDY PRESENTED BY ALUMNI AND STUDENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO THE STUDEEAKER U THURSDAY AND FRIDAY EVENINGS AND SATURDAY MATINEE XJ MAY TENTH ELEVENTH AND TWELFTH U NINETEEN HUNDRED • ■ - •. 1 \ U- o Stands for H ighest Grade manship, of W^or k- QiKilitv of Cloth the Best, Style and Fit Perfection H. ZEISS COMPANY LADIES TAILORS 9 East r\)rty-Sc\-enth Street Kenwood I. C. Station Telephone Oakland 558 MR. MELVIX E. COLEM as Roxy Ann Shekelswon THE UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT LEAGUE 'slMi^r^^ fficcve for ISO? ---- 1000 Preside- lit Vice-President Recordi;ig Secretary Corresponding Secretary Treasurer Mrs. E. O. Jordan Mrs. J. R. Angkll Mrs. Jacques Loeb Mrs. C. p. Small Mrs. C. D. Buck 3!) i r c c 1 r Mrs. W. R. Harper Mrs. W. D. MacClintock Mrs. F. H. Montgomery Mrs. G. L. Hendrickson Mrs. Charles Zeublin Mrs. R. G. Moulton Miss S. W. Peabody P a t r n c 6 s r 6 Mrs. G. E. Adams Mrs. S. E. Barrett Mrs. A. C. Bartlett Mrs. Enimons Blaine Mrs. C. J. Blair Mrs. C. W. Brega Mrs. A. J. Caton Mrs. W. J. Chalmers Mrs. H. C. Chatfield-Taylor Mrs. F. S. Coolidge Mrs. Henry Dibblee Mrs. J. J. Glessner Mrs. W. R. Harper Mrs. E. A. Hamill Mrs. C. D. Hamill Mrs. C. L. Hutchin.son Mrs. H. H. KoliLsaat Mrs. W. R. Linn Mrs. F. O. Lowden Mrs. C. H. McCormick Mrs. H. F. McCormick Mrs. E. L. Ryer.son Mrs. M. A. Ryerson Mrs. G A. Seaverns Mrs. B. L. Smith Mrs. A. A. Spragne Mrs. O. S. A. Sprague Mrs. W. B. Walker Mrs. H. M. Wilmarth 3 / ANY PhKSON CAN J'LAV THE PIANO WITH THP: aid OF THE An^elus Orchestral Piano Player It plays any piano. Any person can play it, and it plays any and all kinds of music. It plays with perfect expression, and the touch and technique of the master artist. The pedals of expression on the piano are manipulated the same as when playing by hand. No other piano player does this. Its resources and capabilities are inexhaust- ible. It possesses greater capacity and has greater variety than any other piano player. It never grows old ; the longer one has it the better it is liked. It is a perfect instru- ment in itself and can be played away from the piano. It must be seen and heard in order to be understood and appreciated. Visitors always welcome. It can be seen and heard daily at 209 Wabash Avenue, Chicago. THE MANY-TONE -CROWN" PIANO is the fourth, last and highest step in the evolution of the piano. It is the culmination of a century's effort to make the piano an instrument of varied tone qualities. In all those requirements which enter into and make a piano of the highest merit, it has no superior, and in addition thereto the capacity is enlarged, capabilities greatly increased, it is more dura- ble, and is an Instrument of vastly superior attainments. The only Many-Tone Piano. GEO. P. BEX7\ Mauufacturcr Salesrooms : 209 Wabash Avenue Factory: 249 Washington Boulevard CHICAGO, ILL. Mrs. G. E. Adams Mrs. A. L. Baker Mr. A. C. Bartlett Mr. E. M. Barton Mrs. Emmons Blaine Mrs. C. J. Blair Mrs. W. J. Chalmers Mr. Marshall Field Mrs. H. C. Chatfield-Taylor Mrs. E. A. Hamill Mrs. C. R. Henderson Mrs. W. R. Linn Mr. T. R. Lyon Mrs. F. O. Lowden Mrs. H. F. McCormick Mr. H. A. Rust Mr. O. S. A. Sprague Mrs B. L. Smith Mrs. A. A. Sprague Mr. G. C. Walker C fi t It m r C 111 m 1 1 1 c c Mrs. J. R. Angell Mrs. C. D. Buck Mrs. F. I. Carpenter Mrs. S. W. Cutting Mrs. H. H. Donaldson Miss Gertrude Dudley Mrs, H. S. Fisk Miss E. D. Flood Mrs. G, M. Hobbs Mrs. F. A. Johnson Mrs. E. O.Jordan Mrs. H. P. Judson Mrs. Jacques Loeb Mrs. R. M. Lovett Mrs. C. R. Mann Mrs. Heinrich Maschke Mrs. E. H. Moore Mrs. Shailer Mathews Mrs. F. H. Montgomery Miss A. B. Reed Mrs. F. W. Shepardson Mrs. C. P. Small Mrs. Benjamin Terry Mrs. G. E. Vincent Miss Nellie Woodhead Mrs. Charles Zueblin finance € o ni mt 1 1 r c Mrs. C. F. Millspaugh Miss S. W. Peabody Mrs. G. E. Vincent Mr. H. R. Hatfield ommtttfc on Ctckcts Mr. A C. Miller Mr. Alexander Smith 51 Ik I" 6 Miss Addanis Miss Blanchard Miss Boyd Miss Canterbury Miss Capps Miss Chambers Miss Chandler Miss Choate Miss Doyle Miss Fitch Miss Freeman Miss Frisbie Miss Hammond Miss Hardy Miss Harper Miss Keay Miss Kohlsaat jVIiss Mooney Miss Pardee Miss Parker Miss Roberts Miss Shailer Mi.ss Stitt Miss Summerville Miss Tunnicliff Miss Vanderlip # MR.GEO. YOUNd as Katie ClattL-rini; George Washington ELEtTKIFIED THE NATIONS AND MADE THE ENEMY TAKE TO T H E W O O D S George Dewey ELECTRIFIED THE WORLD BY MAKINC; THE SPANIARDS TAKE TO THE W O O D S The Nations of theWorld THUS ELECTRIFIED ARE ALL TAKINt; TO THE W O O D S A B C Woods Motor Vehicles Jlni^l^^c ^'World's Standard" STRENGTH, STYLE, DURABILITY, SPEED, \VORKMANSHIP AND iMATE- RIAL UNSURPASSED :: INTERCHANGEABLE IN ALL DETAILS :: BALL BEARINGS :: LATEST STYLES :: LIGHTEST WEIGHT :: LOWEST PRICES ALL ELECTRIC :: :: OPERATION SIMPLE AND AT A LOW COST The best Testimonial: Constantly increasing demand for our vehicles; more than thirty patterns to select from for business and pleasure. PURCHASE NOW AND ENJOY THE RIDING SEASON NOW OPENING CIratuitous Instruction given Lady Purchasers of our Automobiles WOODS MOTOR VEHICLE CO. 545 to ,40 Wabash Avenue, ChicaKO :: Vanderbilt Ave. and 44th St., New York 14 King Street, Toronto, Ont., Canada Telephones * '^-'''''''SO" "5'' Write or send for Illustrated Automobile Catalogue ^ I Harrison 2301 in colors; or, better still, call on us "Electric Automobiles, C.irc, CMnstruction and Oper^ition," $1.23, H.S.Stone & Co., Pubs,, Chicago By HUBBUB WILLING HUBBUB Here is a little theme by our great master Bake-oveii. In it he obviously seeks to portray the difficulties of life without rocks. The burden is carried by the strings, on account of the composer's great difficulty in raising the wind. First comes {a) a loud bold measure, indicative of the bluff with which he stands off his washerwoman, well brought out by the 'cello. Next is a touching strain, where the author meets a friend and endeavors to negotiate a small loan {b). The contrapuntal dissonance {c) indicates that the effort was unsuccessful. It is worth noting that motives (b) and [c] are repeatedly worked over. Suddenly a diversion is heard from afar — a single shrill note. This is the whistle id) of the hot-tamale man. A second time this melodious fanfare sounds forth, and in haste the hero rushes offi With an exultant cry (niral of the U. S. Navy Nelson A. Styles — Major General of the U. S. Army Campus Martius — A Mendicant Merchant P. D. Q. Packingham — An Itinerant Caterer Hautboy Redfern-Redfern — ^« Indigent Dancing- Rlaster Mr. H. A.Tirrell H. H. Kartoffelsalat — .^ Needy Neivsboy Mr. B. R. Bell A. S. Drooper \ v> u i r>t ■ f ^ ( Mr. T. I. Prugh '^ I Penitetit Pilgrims frotn 1 •" Pat N. Gill : o A • / rr ■ r ■{ Mr. H. B. Challiss I Step sister Universities ] C. K. Sadams ) ( Mr. V. W. Sincere Mr. A F. Naylor Mr. R. C. Brown Mr. M. E. Coleman Mr. S. C. Mosser Mr. a. T, Stewart Mr. H. p. Williamson Katie Clattering — Stenographer to President Driver Mr. G. A.Young Mrs. Headway — One of the Four Hundred Mr. A. W. Pierce Mrs. Benison — An Amiable Almsgivcr Mr. C. S. Freeman Signorina Giratrice — Premiere Danseuse Mr. C. M. Hoagland Braymore Bellows — A Collapsible Orator Walter Van Smirkle — A Retiring Business Man Roxy Ann Shekelsworth — A Fair Philanthropist Maud S. Trotwell — Confidante to Roxy An7i Rebecca Withering — An EncDiy of Coeducation \ (iarf)C v!3otf lis ail ft - Messrs. F. P. Barker, L. J. Bevan, L. W. Case, H. Cohen, H. E. Covey, T. F. Freeman, ,\. Y. Hoy, H. F. Mac Neish, E. Monroe, C. M. Steele, C. W. Trumbull, E. A. Sibley, H. Woodhead. •Cooks' >Quartct -Messrs. G. M. Hobbs, J. L. Cook, V. W. Sincere, B. F. Millspaugh. .§)\DCCpccs' ^cigabc — Messrs. A. E. Bestor, Eliot Blackwelder, H. B. Blakey, H. E Bulkley, V. T. Ferris, H. G. Gale, R. C. Hamill, E. C. Kohlsaat, E. W. Kohlsaat, R. C. Manning, H. H. Newman, J. E. Raycroft, A. B. Snider, H. B. Wyman, H. E. Wilkins, Clark Reed. II MR. GEO YOX'NG MR. HENRY ADKIXSON Act 1. Scene I. (with modekx variations) RUXSITALL. {Taking a dri;i k of zi'a fer) : I f the stao^e manag-er would only furnish Hxdrox Giiiger Ale, or some of the other IT\clrox beverages, like Root Beer, Birch Beer or Sarsaparilla, we would all he al)Ie to cheer up and wouldn't feel so blue. BURLKIGII. { On scales, consnitinff his book) : Three pounds lost since last night. The doctor told me I could reduce Hesh if I would drink a few glasses of H\-drox Kissing(;n and H)-dr()x \'ichy on alternate days, and I see he was right. Xow I am going to begin enjoying lite and ch'ink only Hx'drox Lithia, H\'drox Selters and that sDarklirg table water, H)-drolaris. What a tim(^ I will have ! Rebecca WlTHI-RING. {To AndicncA: If \ou want to enjoy life you can obtain these; delightful beverages if yon writ(,'. call or telephone The Consumers Comipanv, .v'^^l''. B)Utler and 36th Streets, telephone south 620. ( E X E U N r O M N ES. ) 1 H E C A S T C o n t i n ti c d l?olicc .§)quati -Messrs. B. F. Millspaugh and G. A. Young. ?tnti)royomorpf)tC ?Cutomata — Messrs. P. S. Allen and J. E. Raycroft. .5)CCietp p c p I e — Messrs. H. B. Blakey, R. C. Brown, W. E. Francis, C. S. Freeman, R C. Hamill, E. C. Kohlsaat, A. W. Pierce, H. E. Wilkins. "55 a IDiper — Mr. Robert Keith. CbE 'iSlep bant— Fore-legs, Mr. M. E. Felt, Hind legs, Mr. W. S. Hilpert €!)e Saniliersitp ^anb — Messrs. F. Bard, J. D. Cook, A. B. Gracelon, E. D. Howard, P. Rhodes, Robertson, G. Wellemyer. SJniVicrsit? JFootfaall (I e a m — Messrs. Cassells, Eldridge, Flaunagan, Herschberger, Holste, Kennedy, Place, Sheldon, Speed and Webb. Cbe Ca&ics —Masters Paul Harper, L,andor McClintock, Howard Burns, Fletcher Marsh. (CI) orus — Professors, Students, Soldiers, Sailors; Messrs. R.A.Augustine, W. A. Averill. H. J. Ballentine, F. A. Bard, F. O. Barker, W. W. Blackman, C. E. Carey, Herbert Cohen, C. B. Dirks, E. C. Eicher, W. H. Fielding, A. B. Garcelon, H.W.Johnson, W. W.Johnston, Donnald Kennicott, Sid- ney Klein, Eliot Norton, H. S. Osborne, E. P. Rich. C W. Richards, D.'R. Richberg, E. A. Sibley, A. J. Thomas, A. J. Walters, G. A. Wilson, H. S. Young, W. Mac. Hanchett. ©jrccutitoc ^taff Mr. G. M. Hobbs, Musical Direcior Mr. R. C. Manning, Stage Manager Mr. W. M. Kelso, Business Manager >J2vcciititic Committee Mr. C. B. Davis Mr. W. A. Gordon Mr. C. D. W. Halsey Mr, W. L. Hudson Mr. C. S. Eaton Mr. B. G. Lee Mr. Clark Reed Mr. Adolph Rosenbecker, Conductor of Orchestra. The mechanical features of the opera — the automobile, the transmuter, the elephant, etc., were designed and constructed under the supervision of Mr. E. S. Norton. ^pnopsis of ^ccncrp ACT I — The University Grounds. Hull Court. ACT II — Interior of the New University Commons. ACT III — Same scene as in Act I. The special scene, the Hull Court of the University by Sosman & Landis. Haberdashery of society men from Tom INIurray. Wigs supplied by the B. C. Strehl Company. Jewelry used kindly loaned by Spaulding l^' Company. Ices served by the Home Delicacies Association, Fine Arts Building (profits for the Settlement Fund). 13 A Telephone in the Home saves time and steps and temper. Its use is demanded every day. The cost is but tritline — 16 CtS. Per Day and up. riie ne\\' Measiu'ed Service ^^■il] ])lease you. Ask about it. The Chicago Telephone Co,. Contract Department. 203 Washington Street » ACT I Scene: Tue University Campus zvith Hull Gate in the back,s;round. H. E. RUNSITALL, HARRY BURLEIGH, REBECCA WITHERING and CHORUS, in old and tattered garments. All faces shoiv signs of emaciation and distress. Opening Chorus: (Air: "Forsaken." Words by F. J. M.) Forlorn and forgotten and hopeless we're left, Abandoned by fortune, of friends all bereft ; The gloom of disaster doth blacken our skies, And grief's bitter waters distill from our eyes. For he whom our leader aforetime hath met, Our needs oft presenting, " lest he should forget," His love and devotion to us hath forgot ; Oh bitter, how bitter, — he kuoweth us not ! Oh sweet is the sound of the nightingale's song, And the voice of the brook as it glideth along ; But sweeter by far that wonted refrain — Oh heavenly rapture — a million or twain ! RuNSiTALL. {Taking a drink of zvater) It's not as nourish- ing as it used to be in the good old days before the drainage canah Burleigh. {On scales., consulting his book) Three pounds lost since last night. {Figures a moment.) At three pounds a day I can last just thirty days longer. ( Pulls out his clothes afoot or two to shoiu his decrease ; then goes to the water-cooler., singing ^^ John D. Rockejeller.'''') Student. Yes, I would sing "John D. '' if I were you. What's the matter with John D ? 15 ' P O \\' E R L Trefle Incarnat ▲ A Lapp ^Flershem N. E. Corner State and Adams Sts. (2d Floor) Entrance, 195 State St. Fiver, Pan's I-- the most persistent and pleasing of the newest French perfumes. Price 75 cents per ounce in bulk. Selling Agents for Cliicasro Auditorium Pharmacy Company T H E PER F U M E S T O R E -M THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST The learned contents of our modern cook-bookery, Functions of energized food, and all that. Then learn of albuminoid stuff protoplastical, Fitted for structure of brawn and of brain ; The nature and forces of things epigastrical, Metabolistical legerdemain. Then bend your attention to learn calorimetry, Aim at a physico-chemical symmetry ; Scorn all the ways that are simple and practical. This is the age of the purely didactical. Marshal your learning, conclusively show ThatyJw de Steele is never de trop. Now list to the following careful analysis Made by our famed anatomical head. 'Tis easy to see without mental paralysis, Girls are as simple in structure as bread. Take strawberries, olives, and fudges ad Hbilmn, Crackers and lemonade, candy and cheese. With lobster and rabbits ( you cannot prohibit 'em ), Coffee and pickles and pie, if you please — Take these as the base of our rare composition, ( Drop in the card of the college physician). Add the best brand of the feminine physical, Generous-heartedness, wit fine and quizzical, Beauty (a plenty) and goodness and grace, Years ( not too many ), book learning — a trace ; Steep in an atmosphere strictly grammatical, Classico-physico-pure-mathematical ; Turn them and stir them till " culture doth hum " — And a ' Varsity Girl is the residuum. Bur. Fellow students, we can endure no longer. Let's raid Rector's, rob the Palmer House, ransack the Auditorium — any- thing for food. But stay, here comes our dauntless leader; we know that he won't ask for anything, but he may help us by pointing out opportunities. ENTER PRESIDENT DRIVER, RUNSITALL AND KATIE CIvATTERING. 25 R. J. WALSHE Draper MR. C. S. FREEMAN as Mrs. Benison (Portrait by Dana Hull) Tailor 2 1 5 Dearborn Street Corner of Adams CHICAGO li. UIMKKV. i'rcs t 1 . W. Gll-.MOKK. Tt T.W.WilmarthCo. Gas and Electric Eixturcs 225 and 227 State St. We make a specialty of fine house and office fixtures of our own exclusive designs 26 Library Bureau 215 Madison St. Makers of Card Systems THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST Chorus: He Is Our President. (Air: " He is an Englishman;" Pinafore. Words by J. W. ly.) He is our President, the Only! He is our President! Though our poverty half craze us, when he comes we lift our praises. For he is our President! For he might have been a drummer, At insurance been a hummer. But his steps toward us he bent! Yet he is our President! And in spite of powers reversial To embark in schemes commercial. He remains our President, He remains our President! Driver. Graduate Students, Senior College Students, Junior College Students, Unclassified Students, Affiliated Students, Unaffiliated Students, and miscellaneous friends, this reception moves me — shall I say? — strangely. I cannot trust myself to speak without notes, I will not ask the orchestra to provide the notes, but I simply mention the fact that I am ready to sing. Mr. Runsitall, please hand me Ms. No. 72a! Solo : Signs of Our Growth I Reveal. Driver. (Air : "Oddfellows' Hall." Words by J. W. L.) My friends, I am happy to greet you, to see you all looking so well; Although you are thin in appearance, your voices are certainly swell. Till now I have made it my motto, good fortune to coyly conceal, But I hope you will pardon the action, if a bit of our growth I reveal. Winnings, losings, I report them all ; law schools, telescopes, money for a hall; Number of students, price of average meal — When the times are like these it will certainly please, if the signs of our growth I reveal. Last week, at the regular weighing, our total was 64 ton. The women made 53 of it, men 10, and the faculty i. But yesterday — here are the figures — just after the regular meal, We went up a hundredweight nearly! These signs of our growth I reveal. 27 If You Use TlIK It will Skkvk Vol' Well From BOSTON, QUEBEC, NEW ENGLAND, MICHIGAN, TORONTO, PHILADELPHIA, DETROIT, MONTREAL, NEW YORK, ONTARIO, BUFFALO, CHICAGO. Solid Vestibule T?'ains\ via Niagara Falls GREAT SCENIC ROUTE Established 1873 Special Agents for Oxzyn Balm and Powder For the Complexion it lias no equal MR. LUBECK. MR. ADKINSON MR. YOUNG B.C.STREHLCO. IMPORTERS OF Human Hair and Toilet Goods HAIR DRESSING, SHAMPOOING Manicuring and Face Treatment 191 Wab.\sh Avenue CHICAGO THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST The average weight of a student is 96 pounds, at a strain, Though the faculty run to a hundred on account of the heft of their brain. The Greek is the heaviest section, Archaeology close on its heel; . I myself am the stoutest instructor; this sign of my growth I reveal. A gift I have got you from Boston, where they know what benevolence mean§, I hated to take it from Harvard — a couple of cases of beans. Mr. Smith, our anatomy teacher, contributes two frogs and an eel. And "Anonymous " gives us a gridiron. These signs of our growth I reveal. You're thin, as I said at the outset, but others are thinner than you; There are skeletons hanging in Haskell, which expose every bone to the view. The trustees have allowed me to promise, your misery sooner to heal. You too may hang there in a corner, the course of your growth to reveal. {President Driver sinks, exhausted, into the arms of Rimsitatt.) Driv. {Recovering) Back to business ! Mr. Runsitall, the mail ! Let us begin with the letters of inquiry concerning the last summer quarter. [Dictates letters.) ENTER BRAYMORE BELLOWS. Driv. {Turning from his letters) Ah, Mr. Bellows, is it not today that you represent us at the Western Intercollegiate Oratorical Contest ? But you are not — shall I say ? — in condition. Bel. Not quite, sir. I have been living on air for several weeks now. Driv. Well, well, we must see what can be done! We should be disgraced if our man went on with this lean look ! Runs. {Hastily takes bicycle pump from bag) This simple apparatus will save the day ! {Attaches the pump to Belloivs who fattens obviously^ Student. Three times three for Mr. Runsitall. {Students cheer.) EXIT BELLOWS. Driv, {Resumi^ig dictation) "My Dear Sir. In reply to your letter of June, 1897 " {Exetint students gradually , leaving a few lying about the stage. Miss lVitheri?ig and Wiley lean on each other for stipport. Exit Presi- dent in exhausted conditio7i, supported by Miss Clattering a7id Runsitall.) Bur. This is tough! If Dick Wingold is going to do any- thing, he can't get a move on him too soon. ENTER WINGOLD. 29 ♦ 4' MR. H.S.OSBORNE As Society Girl (Portrait by Dana Hull) The Home Delicacies Association 2970 Groveland Avenue ... Telephone South 888 Office in the Corridor of the Fine Arts Building Frozen Creams, Ices, Cakes Home-Made Bread & Salads Among our many specialties .. Most careful service for all the branches of private catering .. Price lists sent on application IHE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST Bur. Why, here he is! But he's talking to himself and I won't disturb him. EXIT BURLEIGH. Win. To sleep; perchance to dream; aye, there's the rub! {Strokes his stomach.) WiL. {Ill his sleep.) Another plateful— Oh! that's good! Win. Poor creatures! These emaciated forms inspire me to renewed efforts. I must succeed for their sakes. Besides, I'm hungry myself. Solo: Love Song to Science. Wingold. (Air: "Gipsy Love Song." Words by J. W. L.) Some say they are wedded to music or art, But I only pity their folly; With science I am content to try This vale of melancholy! Her kiss lies now upon my brow, We tryst in the laboratory, I hunt for the lass in a measuring-glass, And to find her is my glory! CHORUS. Hail to thee, my goddess worth the serving, Always, always true to me! Long I courted, courted undeserving, And of low degree. Now I know thee, goddess worth the serving. Now I clasp your hand; Now the secrets you would tell me I can understand ! I worshiped a maid in the days that are gone, But alas! she went too, to my sorrow; Till Science taught: Though To-day is not. You always have Tomorrow! The lesson learned, my woe I spurned. My old love slipped its tether; Now I walk through life with my sweetheart-wife — Science and I together! {Din and clatter are heard without. Students sit up. An auto- mobile — yiot made by Wood — dashes in.) ENTER ROXY ANN SHEKEI.SWORTH, MAUD S. TROTWEIvL AND BURLEIGH. 31 MR. W. W. JOHNSTON as Member of Chicago Society Special Portraits By Dana Hull This photograph was taken in a residence with ordinary window lighting. My new method enables me to make more artistic pictures and truer likenesses in your own home than can be secured in any studio. For particulars, write or telephone to my office address, 1749 Marquette Building. Telephone Main 1171 No photographs taken in studio. We Want Your 'Plione Order Tel. Oakland 433 H. F. &f E. W. EGGERS Groceries Meats 15.. 17.. 19 Forty- Seventh Street Chicago 32 I'aris .. New York .. London Albert Roullier UEALKR IN HIGH - CLASS ENGRAVINGS &^ ETCHINGS Moth Old and Modern Artists' Drawings, Pii'tmes in Oil and Water Colors, Fine Picture Framing. The Fine Arts Building 203 Michigan Boulevard Suite 742 Chicago Telephone Harrison 166 Sole Agent in Chicago for Frederick Keppel & Co.. New York, London, Paris THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST RoxY Ann. Good day, my friends. I've heard much of your beautiful campus and its storied halls, and Fve traveled far to see them, even from the Xong Shore Drive. Bur. Yes, these ivy-grown monuments which have with- stood the elements for forty quarters are well worth the journey. But we students, living upon air, have, like your vehicle, "that" pneumatic "tired feeling." Rox. My heart bleeds for you. Tell me, please — do you know ? — no, never mind. Maud. What are you trying to pump out "of the good- looker, Roxy dearest ? Please let him be ; I have an cnc on that youth myself. Rox. I was only going to ask him about Dick. Maud. Mr. Wingold ? You've got Dick on the brain, darling. I'll bet / wouldn't come looking for any man I had thrown once. Rox. Maud, I can't let you speak so. Mr. Wingold is nothing to me. Oh, Dick, shall I see you, I wonder? It's years since I refused you ; I was mad when I did it ! Maud. So was he, to judge by his looks. Quit him, Roxy. He was too learned, anyway. I don't like the kind of men that never hold your hand except to feel your pulse. Let's look about a bit. Isn't there anybody to show us the sights? WiL. {Still supporti7ig Miss Withering' s head) Madam, just follow the motion of my hand. These are Kelh', Beecher, Green, Nancy Foster and Cobb. Maud. ( Waking Miss Withering ) Let your husband get up and show us about. Reb. {Wrathjully)^\\'&hd.\\(P. Indeed! I don't know the brute. WiL. ( Rising stiffly ) Show you about ! Can you think of sightseeing when we are starving? Rox. I must not delay. Hawkins, the hampers instantly. Friends, I bring you good cheer. Maud. {Aside) Unorganized charity, Rox. Hasten and help to spread the feast while I explain. {Stude7its gather around Hazvkins eagerly, and aid him in spread- ing cloths on the ground and layitig plates.) 33 NOTHING ThatYouCan get will please your wife or sweetheart as much as a suit of Nicoll's Famous Striped Flannels. Every A\v\ millionaire in the city has a suit. We make them to -^^"^ your order for $20 to $35 Cor. Clark & Adams Sts. TAILOR WHY DID THE BOYS CALL THELR GOAT PA7 ? SANDS' PURE CREAM BUTTER For Particular People's Tables MR. W. W. JOHNSTON (Portrait by Dana Hull) FRESH, KRAGRAXr, I )Kl,ICIOL"S BECAUSE HE WAS A LLTTLE BUTTER 34 THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST Solo: The Fair Philanthropist. Roxy Ann. ( Air : " Rosalie." Words by M. C. ) Oh, I'm Roxy Ann of the Drive — 'Long Shore Drive. I come from our very svpell side — the East Side . When I ride on my wheel or my automobile, Oh, I tell you I'm something to see. Oh, I've got the philanthropic fad; It's the sweetest fad I've had. What it means — don't ask me — But I'm Queen of Philanthropy. CHORUS. Oh, she's got the philanthropic fad ; It's the sweetest fad she's had. What it means she can't see — But she's Queen of Philanthropy. Oh, I heard of the awful despair — deep despair, Of the hunger in this learning's lair — learning's lair. With pure foods that seem quite strictly hygiene, I come just like sweet Charity. I frantically work in the slum — deep, dark slum ; Quite fearlessly I go and come — go and come. I carry bon-bons to the poor by the tons, Oh, I'm wild on philanthropy. On Saturdays when it is fair — when it's fair, I've a girls' class in dressing the hair — fixing hair. On Mondays the boys I teach to make toys, Quite practical work, don't you see ? Oh, the Charity act's here to stay, I should say; For philanthrophy's awfully aicfait — quite au fait; For all of our swells, the beaux and the belles. Are twaddling of philanthropy. {During the song Wiley ogles Roxy Ann I angui shingly. Win- gold still stands aloof minotieed.) Rox. {ope7iing the basket and distributing its contents) Now for the feast. I have brought only a few simple things. Here is pate de fois gras, and here diamond-back terrapin. Perhaps some of yon will enjoy this canvas-back duck. Who 35 Fast and Finely Equipped Trains from CHICAGO via MISSISSIPPI ROUTE SOUTH ST.LOUIS,MEMPHIS, VICKSBURG, NEW ORLEANS OMAHA, SIOUX CITY, DUBUQUE, COUNCIL BLUFFS WEST Buffet=Library=Smoking Cars, Pullman Sleeping Cars, Chair Cars, Dining Car Service. ?et?var„s Chicago City Ticket Office ZA^eire^S: THE ACADEMIC A L C H E M I S '1 wants caviar? Or do you prefer anchovies? But here, Maud, you take charge. I'm going to look about. {Students bolt the food voraciously . Roxy Ann comes forward and catches sight of Wingold.) EXEUNT CHORUS. DuET: Proposal and Rejection. Roxy Ann AND Wingold. (Air: " Long Years Ago ; " Patience. Words by M. C.) Rox. Long years ago, beside the sea, (I was a maid of sweet sixteen) You swore you loved no one but me, That naught our souls could come between! I see that scene in all the glow, The beauty rare of long ago. Time, have you such sad changes wrought. That all the past must be forgot? Ah, can we not call back that time, That day of love and joy. When I was just your little maid. And you were but a boy? Win. Ah, old, old tale of moonlight night! She is quite right, she is quite right: She was my summer girl. Rox. I hear the waves' low sigh again, 'Twas moonlight when you murmured then, I was your summer girl. VJni;htkon S. K. Houston D. M. Goodrich Charles Hod(;man Walthr Camp 'I". I). M. Cardkza OUTING PUBLISHING COMPANY 239 Fifth Ave.. New York 56 THE A C A D E .^f I C ALCHEMIST Trio: "Song of the Penitent Pilgrims (Air : "The Bowery." Words by J. W. L.) I am the chief of Wisconsin U. I know much more than I formerly knew. Once I was guilty of blow and brag, Thought that I held the whole West in a bag. So in my careless and confident way, I said to my friend Mr. Pat O'Dea, •'Why don't you challenge Chicago to play? " , I'll never do that any more ! CHORUS. Oh Chicago, Chicago, we thought Chicago an easy prey, Chicago, Chicago — We'll never think that any more. I was the froggy who got in a box. By thinking that he was as big as an ox. I entered a trio to manage football. Then shifted my diet to wormwood and gall. First Indiana and then Notre Dame, And then many others I've not time to name, Showed me how little I knew of the game; And I'll never swell up any more ! CHORU.S. Pat N. Gill I, from the U. of M., Rather ashamed to be seen with them. But what could I do when we couldn't win, But get up a council to gobble the tin ? Now I'm as sorry as I can be ; Please, Dr. Driver, be good to me ; Let us come back to the U. of C, And we'll never get mad any more ! CHORUS. Ladies and gentlemen, these are our woes, Never been equaled, as we suppose. This is the fable that we have told, And here is the moral in letters of gold : A lion asleep is a peaceful sight ; Even a lady would not take fright ; But do not wake him, because he may bite ! We'll never do that any more ! CHORUS. 57 DIRECTORY i) F T H ]-: L E A D I X G South Side Laundries MR.C. M.HOAGLAND as Premiere Danseuse (Portrait by Dana HulU MADISON AVE. LAUNDRY 6018 to 6024 Madison Ave. Telephone Drexel 541 1 ^ CLEAVER'S LAUNDRY 103 E. 38th Street Telephone Drexel 6631 IDEAL LAUNDRY 687 E. 43d Street Telephone Drexel 6632 BREWSTER LAUNDRY (Engiewood) 637 W. 63d Street Telephone Wentworth 5S1 SW^ISS LAUNDRY \2 E, 31st Street Telephone South 643 A Postal or telephone call to any of the alnwe laun- dries ivill receive prompt atte/itiofi and insure you the best of work at the most reasonable prices. SPECIAL RATES on Bed and Table Linen. THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST Sadams. President Driver, how about affiliation for Wiscon- sin ? In comparison with our present destitution we were flush after last year's game. Drooper. President Driver, won't you affiliate Illinois? Our Champaign is extra dry, but not yet Munnn. GiivL. How about annexing Michigan? It takes more than one Angell to make a Heaven. Driv. I note the absence of your honored President. I know that he thinks athletic squabbles are infra dig. But, gentlemen, are these questions put to me in a friendly and off- hand manner, or are they addressed to me in my — shall I say ? — my official capacity as President of The University of Chicago ? The Three. (/« chorus) In your official capacity. {^President rises. Secretary deliberately taJics the Presidenf s gown out of a bag a7id helps liim iiito it.) Driv. I am now ready to speak in my official capacity. I would say that the University has many more affiliated schools than she knows how to manage. Harvard has been on our waiting list for the past six years and must receive our first attention. Now that the opportunity offers for me to speak officially, I would say, in behalf of our University, that we can- not afford to divide with you our revenues or to offer you any guarantee. Mr. Runsitall, show the gentlemen out. ( T/ie Pilgrims protest and refuse to go. Runsitall blozvs a whistle.) ENTER TWO POIvICEMEN. Duet : Policemen's Song. Driv. Friends, since the University has come into circum- stances so much more suited to our comfort, we have — shall I say? — regenerated the political life of the city. We have recon- sidered the action to make the mayoralty a hereditary office ; we have dug a drainage canal through the City Council; by establishing oil as the only legal fuel, we have done away with the smoke nuisance ; and finally we have cleared all streets. May I have the pleasure of introducing our latest acquisition, Dean Sophia Soaper and the street Brigade ! 59 A S H H VI LLH, North Carolina AMERICA'S GREATEST A 11- the -Year -Round RESORT Rrsi.lcll. r .if Will. II. \.lll.lrrlMll. Aslu vill.-, N, T.. ill th, I SOUTHERN RAILWAY W. A. Turk, C. P. A.,W,ishini,'ton, D.C. WM. H. TAYLOE, A. G. P. A , L.iiiisx iUc, K y. I.e. Beam.Jr., N'. VV.P. A.,a25 Dearliorn St., Cliicasr.i T.stainished tS6r,. Stamsen & Blome, HIGH GRADE CEMENT WALKS Every Branch of Concrete Construction, Bank Floor, Unity Bldg. CHICAGO. HAIR SARA REIDY Hair Diessins; I IlK I.ATK.sr Shampooing' racial Massage 1 r/1 i- r-> J. J Scalp Treatment A LOS PompiuUmr Hair Goods of every ilescription. All the ., latest Parisian styles. 28 Washington St. Tortoise shell combs l'>et. State St. X: Wahn<;h .'\ve. and novelties. THi: I'.Ai.i.Kr THE AC.lDEJflC ALCHEMIST ENTER SIXTEEN STREET SWEEPERS. {They march to the music of " The Man Behind the Gun.'") EXEUNT OMNES. ENTER ROXY ANN AND MAUD. Rox. Oh, Maud, I'm so frightened. I'm sure I can never sing among strangers. Maud. Nonsense. Of course you can. We can't starve. Have a try at it while we're alone. {Roxy advances and sings.) Solo: "Flowers, Flowers, Dripping With Dew." Roxy AxNn. ENTER WINGOLD. W^ix. Roxy, at last ! I have sought you everywhere. Share my vi^ealth and fame. Rox. ]Mr. Wingold, it cannot be. I am a poor flower girl, but I will not be an object of charity. { They advance and sing.) Duet : Proposal and R e j e c t i o n. Roxv Ann and Wingold. (Air: "Long Years Ago;" Patience. Words by M. C.) W'iN. Long years ago, when I was young, I told a tale of love to you; Out on the beach my passion sung, As summer lovers always do. Again I come in manhood's prime, To pray once more you will be mine. I now can offer with myself Position and a heap of wealth. I care not, love, what may betide, If you will be my bride. Rox. [Aside) Oh, love and pity are akin, I only can his pity win. He only pities me. Win. Ah, do be kind, — don't say me nay — Be lenient, pray, and only say, That you will be my bride ! 6i Weil Ladies' Tailor and Furrier 238, 239, 240 Michigan Boulevard, Chicago Established 1S70 :: :: Telephone Main y,'74 ■' VAUGH ANS' Seeds are the best Wholesale and Retail Store 84 Randolph Street Sl'.KIGLIA I\rr;Tii(i[) Mr. Alfred Williams TEACHER OF THE VOICE 624 Fine Arts Building, Chicago [ i MR. CHARLES HOAGLAND the Premiere Danseuse McKeown Brothers CARPENTERS <^ BUILDERS Phone Drexel 7041 494-496 East Forty-Seventh St. Miss M. Rice Ladies'' Goivtis Til-Til Marshall Field liuilding Children's &" Misses' Dre.s.ses and Coats Cmc Distributors of PURE COUNTRY MILK Manufacturers of CREAMERY BUTTER BOWMAN DAIRY COMPANY John Conrad & Co. Kenwood Pharmacy 23 E. 47th .St., Cor. l,ake Ave. Vou will enjoy our Ice Cream Soda served in the .Soda Room 62 O. T. WALL E. G. LANGFORl) O. T. WALL & CO. Staple and Fancy Groceries Choice Cuts of Meats Fish, Poultry, Oysters and Came in season 433-44' li- Sixty-Third St. Tel. Oakland No. 2 THE ACADEMIC A L C H E Jf I S T Rox. I realize the rarity, Of this your Christian charity — Yet this can never be! CHORUS. Both. Ah, love is proud, as love can be — Can't be bought with a golden fee, Cupid's blind and will not see Outstretched hand of Charity ! ENTER DRIVER, WILEY AND CHORUS. WiL. {Stealthily^ at one side) The hour of my revenge approaches. ENTER MESSENGER. {He hands a large official envelope to President Driver^ who gives it to Runsitall to read.) Runs. {Reading) To Dr. William Brainy Driver, President of The University of Chicago. Great and Good Friend : I, William McKingly I., President of the United States of America (possibly including the Philippines and Porto Rico) send greeting and announce that, accompanied by a military and naval escort, I am now approaching your world-famous in- stitution. I earnestly solicit an audience at noon tomorrow. (Signed) William McKingly I. Jack Straw, Secretary of State. Driv. {wildly excited) Where is the Head IMarshal ? Send him to me immediately. Send me the leader of the Band, and have the Faculties and the Officers of the Student Council and the Student Board of Control notified to appear in cap and gown. The procession will start from Cobb Hall at eleven o'clock, led by the Head Marshal, the Assistant Marshals and the Band. As a special favor, the students will be allowed to have a small bonfire on the campus, carefully watched by the Fire Depart- ment, the Faculty and the Police, and the band may play " Hot Time ! " 63 Hollister Brothers Printers CuPS^^ Cu?5~^ ^u?^^ vWu-^ Are now located at Madison Dana Hull.) i^ i^ m Send /or Samples and Prices of the l-ine \\'ork done by the Illinois Engra\ing Co. Designers and Makers of ■■ V r i n t i n <>" Plates : -^46-:^ ^6 Dearborn Street, Chicago hi> Bo.ik «ere ni.icle by the Illin..i- l-iiirraving C THE ACADEMIC A L C fl E .\f I S T ENTER WILEY (exultantly). Song of T r i u m p h. Wilhv. ;Air : " Pom Tiddly Om Pom/' Words by C. R. B.j Hear the silver dollars fall, Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink. There's riches now for one and all, Chinkety chink chink chink. No longer shall the golden bug, Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink. The wealth of all the nation hug, Chinkety chink chink chink. Sixteen to one shall be our cry, Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink. A dollar sixteen times shall buy, Chinkety chink chink chink. And fools who have in gold put trust, Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink, Shall straightway be upon the bust, Chinkety chink chink chink. CHORUS. Ob ! how I Will make the goldbugs fly ! 'Twill be milleniuni When we've sixteen to one ! Ev'rythiug Will have a silver ring ! Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink chink. Chinkety chink chink chink I Now the farmer's cloud of care A silver lining bright shall wear. The silver thread among the gold Will have a pathos yet untold. The golden sun shall pass away. The silver moon will mark the day. The bunco man will change his trick, And sell the jay a silver brick. CHORUS. Girls with locks of "burnished gold " Will lose no time in growing old. The "silvered" youth the pace will set, And silver tip his cigarette. 6.S FOR Lad ies afid Gentlemen LUNCH FRO M i i TO '> wk'ri : SERVING THE MUST DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING KKAL STRAWBERRY SHORI'- CAKE THAT YOU EVER TASTED I N T H E New Yo7'h Life Biiildin g F. N r RANGE AT I 4 3 M ONROE STREE T MR. A.T.STEWART as Rebecca Withering THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST The golden rule no more shall hold, For silver shall replace the gold. And "golden opportunities" Will he as thick and cheap as flies. {^Students drag in a mysterious machine. Wiley approaches and sets it in motio7i. Silver bricks drop out rapidly.) WiL. Down with gold ! Here is silver iti the heaven-born ratio. Long live sixteen-to-one ! Vistas of endless prosperity open before us ! Driv. At last I can follow my own convictions. Hurrah for an honest dollar ! I didn't ask for it, but it came. {Wingold picks up a silver brick and examines it closely. All crowd around Wiley, and joiyi in final chorus. ) F" I N A L Chorus. (Air: Erminie. Words by C. R. B.) His the glory and fame shall be, For this mighty, mighty deed he's done. Now silver's free for you and me, And dollars are sixteen to one. Hail him! honor him ! Yell, boys, yell ! See the way he turned the rock to mon ! E'en Prexy can't do half so well At coining dollars from a stone. 67 MONAHAN'S ANTISEPTIC cuts down vour expense and enhances the renting value of your buildings. IT IS ODORLESS and embodies all the essential elements that the latest scientific research can suggest to make a true disinfectant. It at once destroys bacteria, checks decomposition and cleanses. It is cleanly to use, pure, and the ideal dis- infectant for the home. Monahan Antiseptic Company McVicker's Theatre Building, Chicago MR. A. W. PIKRC. as Mis. Headwav —"/'/"* (Portrait by Dai THE .I(\i/>/-:mI(' \ i. c ii e m i s j ACT III. Scene: J'he University Campus. Buildings gayly decorated. At the rear, beneath a canopy, iivo chairs of State. ENTER RUNSiTALL/<7//o?£'<'a' by FOOTBALL TEAM bcaritig in a gilded litter presi- dent DRIVER. He is preceded by flower girls, and folloived by WILEY, wiNGOLD, professors and students. Chorus : " H p: is our P r k s i d e n t. " {^During the sing ino the procession makes a tour ot the stage and takes up a position at right rear.) ENTER BAND followed by elephant carrying president mckingly. In his train Philippine captives, secretary straw, admiral diddit, gen- eral STYLES, soldiers and SAILORS. Music : "Hail to the C h fE f. " {^During the m2isic the procession wakes a tonr of the stage and takes up a position at left rear.) INIcKixGLY. {Prodicctng a large roll of MS.) President Driver, IMembers of the Faculty, Students: Aly address, as it will appear in the daily press of our great and glorious country, will be found here [holds up MS) in full. Briefly, it gives me profound pleasure to be with you, to introduce to you Ad- miral (reorge Diddit, the Right Hand of the nation, and Gen- eral Nelson A. Styles, the Left Hand of the nation. (Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.) I should say, these men, supported by our glorious army and navy, the bulwark of our nation, have gained for us that greatest of American wars — the Cuban-Philippine war — the war of principle fought for the sake of humanity and fifteen per cent. Let me present to you these great men, who have chased the Spaniards from the sea and forced the F'ilipino to take to the woods. 69 1 Chicago Orchestra THEODORE THOMAS, Conductor Tenth Season 1900-1901 Auditorium THE CORYPHEES First Concerts October 19 th and 20th Sale of Season Tickets will open June (First at Lyon & Healy's Prices Sio to S^o J According to Location Money 1 Time V Saved Annoyance I ^y Puvcliasing season Tickets THE ACADEJfIC A L C H E 3f I S T Driv. Dr. McKinoly, Right and Left Hands of the nation, bulwark in general, welcome to The University! In our turn we would present our heroes. Let me introduce our victorious foot- ball eleven, who made Cornell yell, did Brown to a turn and conquered the eighth deadly sin — Wisconsin. {The two Presidents descend, McKingly assisted by his followers, Driver upon a ladder of the Faculty arranged in order of academic rank. Coming forivard they sing:) DuET: Thk Expansion Presidents. McKingly and Driver. (Air: "Downy Jailbirds of a Feather;" Erminie.) Both. The expausion presidential bosses we Of universe and university. McK. I assimilate the heathen in bis isle, And hypnotize the voter with my smile. Driv. Assimilate I spell affiliate, And John D. always used to pay the freight. McK. I teach the Yankee nation to expand. And he makesculture hum throughout the land We're a modest pair of prexies: Who shall tell the world our worth? Let the learned Congregation, Chanting to the Convocation, Spread the tidings through the nation: All we ask for is — the earth. McK. I've colonies in every continent; Driv. A correspondence course in every state. McK. The Porto Ricans pay fifteen per cent; The others won't get off at such a rate. Driv. The M. P. A., the Lewis Institute, A winter college down in Florida. McK. And if the treasury can stand the loot, A grand canal in Nicaragu-a. CHORUS. Driv. No millionaire can say I beg of him. McK. I cribbed the Philippines in self-defense. Driv. I only take him out to see our "gym." Its plainness moveshim more than eloquence. 71 ff mCAGO. 4301 and 4303 Drexel Boulevard 433 East Fifty-fifth Street 'Phone Drexel 5382 If you want a stylish suit call on Mr. Strasberger in his beautiful parlors and inspect his stN'les and imported fabrics. PRICES ARE TEMPTING MR. H. \V. JOHNSON ( Portrait by Dana Hull) THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST McK. 'Twas Destiny and Dewey played the game, While I looked on bewildered and distressed. Driv. And when I say "our library's a shame," Chicago patriotism does the rest. CHORUS. {They retire to the thrones at rear.) McK. I come, great and good friend, to arrange, if may be, a treaty with yon which shall stop this ontpnt of gold. It has demoralized the credit of the conntry and involved ns in inter- national complications. Driv. I see yon have not heard of onr latest sensation — the invention of Head Profes.sor Wiley. McK. No. What is that? Driv. He is now prodncing silver bricks in the immntable ratio without anybody's consent. McK. Ye gods! On a silver basis at last! It's all up with me. Methinks I see the little Canton home. {Collapses.) {Orchestra plays a feic bars of '-Pd Leave my Happy Home for You.'''' Wiley struts triumphantly }) Win. {Stepping foricard confide >itly) Courage, august sovereign ! I have a disclosure to make. This is no silver {prodiici7ig a brick and a bottle of acid.) Observe the reaction. It's nothing but the familiar tin-plate which has long enjoved your gracious protection. Driv. Seize that villain Wiley. {Aside: I'm always having trouble with Head Professors.) Let him be bound for life to Miss Withering, make him perpetual Vice-President of the Congregation, and advertise him for a course of Extension lectures at Kalamazoo. McK. {To Wingold) What reward do yon ask for your rare insight into the tinncss of these bricks ? Will you accept the post of Ambassador to the Court of St. James ? {Wingold boivs acceptance^ { To Straw) Secretary Straw, kindly give the company an idea of our diplomatic methods. 73 The Present Settlement Residence u u u u u n u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u v tr u u u u u C. G. LINES 9lrttsitic jframiug 214 Fifty-Seventh St., Chicago Passe Partouts a Specialty XJ U U THE ACADEMIC A /. C If E M I S T The New Diplomacy. Jack Straw. (Air : " Pirate King; " Pirates of Penzance.) Behold a speciuieu in me Of the new shirt-sleeve diplomacy. I have no use for soft French speech, But tune my voice to the eagle's screech. It's not my fashion to bow and smirk To British lord or heathen Turk; But Japs kowtow and the Turks salaani When I raise the war-whoop of Uncle Sam. CHORUS : For I'm a diplomat, And I'm talking, talking Through my hat — A modern diplomat. For I'm a diplomat. And I'm talking, talking Through my hat — A modern diplomat. A patent jimmy to open doors, Soft-soldered buncombe for the Boers, A cork-screw to twist the Lion's tail. If the Irish vote is like to fail. A Philippine commission or two. And Otis to put the right news through — I think you'll all agree that that Is a fine outfit for a diplomat. CHORUS. The dudes and cowards may be polite ; The diplomats' lay is to bluff or fight. So I stretch the doctrine of Monroe From Luzon's rill to Alaska's snow ; And if effete monarchies cut up rough, There's Dewey and Sampson to back my bluff. I ask you, gentlemen, is not that The way of the modern diplomat ? CHORUS. MCK. Speaking of diplomacy, on what conditions will yon ciViiit down vonr Klondike? DRIV. 'l divined the purpose of your visit. Here are our terras: 75 D uuDUUuuutruuuuuunuuuuuurr THE MARVELOUS AUTOMOBILE ^^^5 ■ . ELGIN-'' "f INABAN CEYLON TEA POSITIVELY GUARANTEED Cbe Best Cca m the iUorld AND AT A POPULAR PRICE. IT is srown in the mountain tUstrict of Ceylon and SPECIALLY prepared to suit the Anicrii-an trade. It steeps a beautiful, britrht-c-olorcd liquor and has trreat fragrance It is not maltv or bitter like other Ceylon and India Teas. It is packed on the garden where grown, in one-pound, half-pound and quarier- l)ound soldered air-tight lead packages, thereby retaining all its wonderful fragrance. It ii- sold only in these lead packages — ^/c('^/w'« hulk. If vou want the very best tea. ask your grocer for NAB*-N. Send us a postal card and we will mail yoii a trial iiacUage. Franklin MacVeagh & Co.,cHicAGa 76 jiii: .1 c.\ n 1-: \i i c .\ i. c ii e m i s i 1. An annual congressional appropriation to the Ihiiversity of twenty-five millions. 2. The exclusive right of members of the University to all diplomatic posts. On these conditions the production of gold shall be stopped at once. McK. {After hasty cojisultation zvit/i Secretary Straw) We accept your terms, with the proviso that the gold brick machine be destroyed and that the Academic Alchemist be hypnotized by the Head Professor of Mental and Psychical Research, who shall bid him forget the combination, Driv. It shall be as you say. CiiORis: "He Is Our Preside n t . " Roxv ANN and maud emerge from the crowd. Win. {Seeing Roxy) Surely you will now consent to accept the hand of the Ambassador to the Court of St. James? Roxv. Oh I I cannot. IMy pride — Maud. Now, Roxy, don't be silly. You take him. Don't you see that this treaty will make you rich again? Roxv. Why of course ! How stupid of me not to think ■of it ! Maud, how cle\-er you are. ( Goes to ll'tngold^ wJio em- braces Jier. ) Maud. Oh I I'm not so slow. You're not the only one to make an academic match. [Pairs off ivit/i Burleigh.) Runs. ( Stepping forzvard zcith Katie Clattering ) You see how it is, President Driver. I didn't ask her, but she embraced her opportunity. ]\IcK. Rather an epidemic, isn't it ? Driv. Yes. It's always like this in the Spring Quarter. {Lovers couiing forzcard sing :) Ti Illinois State University NIGHT COURSES IN CHICAGO The editorial of The Inter Ocean, September li, 1899, calls our atten- tion to the fact that 97 per cent, of all the children of school age in the United States never enter the High School ; that only three-tenths of one per cent, of the three per cent, who do enter High School are graduated; and that the great majority of children never pass beyond the sixth grade. Is it not, therefore, a great sacrifice of good citizenship that all the oppor- tunities for higher and highest education, High School and University, are to be had only in the day time ? Should not the opportunities for University, as well as High School education, come out of the taxes which we, as citizens, pay to the State of Illinois ? Should not these opportunities for education in the sciences of commercial value be available in the evening.' Evening classes under the auspices of the State University can raise the standard of intelligence of the greatest number of citizens, because the tuition of private evening schools must necessarily be too high for the many. Let us see to it that our own state taxes furnish these University opportu- nities, and furnish them at a price within the reach of all. This is the object of the Illinois Educational League. EVERY CITIZEN man and woman, should register next October and vote next November for the Illinois State University Trustees. The State of Illinois should furnish opportunities for education out of the taxes which citizens pay in the following manner: (-." Words by C. R. B. ) Far back in the past Love worked alone, And now and then he failed; Hearts he wanted united were sometimes not plighted, Although their owners wailed. But he has a partner now who won't allow One lover in vain to pray. The game is done e'er its begun, For Science finds the way. CHORUS : If the schemes of Cupid are not enough, Then Science finds the way. The problems may be very tough, But Science finds the way. He levels ranks and incomes too, He cements hearts with patent glue. He does whatever he tries to do — Science finds the way. He can repeat from a phonograph What a lover dare not speak ; The most approved fashion of raising a passion, He'll teach you in a week. Cupid, Science I'v: Co. is the firm we know, Whose sign is hung out today ; Just ask their aid, for man or maid. And they will find the way. {^Presidents come for zcard and the lovers part to give them a place in the first row.) Final Chorus. (Air: '"Neath the Elms.'' Words by F. J. M. ) Now all care has fled away, And our hearts are light and gay. Let the joyous echoes ring, As we blithely dance and sing. Gloomy fate could not prevail, Nor our happy fortune fail ; We're the favored sons of her who will be Forever the great 'Varsity ! 79 National Educational Association Charleston, S. C, July 7th to 13th The famous old city will txteiul its broadest hospitality. One Fare Round Trip from all Northern Points Plus S2.00 Via Cincinnati and the QUEEN & CRESCENT ROUTE I'uU stop-over privileges. Tickets good returning until September First. Write for free literature concerning Charleston, Chickaniauga Battlefield, Ashe\ille, "Land of the Sky," etc. w. c. rinf:arson, G. P. A . Cincinnati, Ohio. W. A. BECKLER, N. P. A. ,.113 Adams Street Cliicago, Illinois. When You Haven't A Minute to Spare — MONO ROUT GCUGdWy BETWEEN CHICAGO INDIANAPOLI CINCINNATI 4 TRAINS DAILY CITY TICKET OFFICE !32 CLARK ST DEPOT DEARBOHN STATION CHICAGO So ^S BOOK IS DUE 02. THE LAST B^ /JN INITIAL FINE of o. 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