ML 
 
 50 
 
 It M:ADEniC 
 
 ^T.TRRF. TTO! COMIC OPERA 
 
mxiiDtv^it^ of Cl)icago Settlement League 
 
 i; I-: N F- 1- I r F ii N d 
 
 A MUSICAL COMEDY PRESENTED BY ALUMNI AND 
 STUDENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO 
 
 THE STUDEEAKER U THURSDAY AND FRIDAY 
 EVENINGS AND SATURDAY MATINEE XJ MAY TENTH 
 ELEVENTH AND TWELFTH U NINETEEN HUNDRED 
 
• ■ 
 
 - •. 
 
 1 \ U- o 
 
 
 
 Stands for 
 
 
 
 H 
 
 ighest Grade 
 manship, 
 
 of W^or 
 
 k- 
 
 
 QiKilitv of Cloth 
 
 
 
 the Best, 
 
 
 
 
 Style and 
 
 Fit 
 
 
 
 Perfection 
 
 
 
 H. ZEISS 
 COMPANY 
 
 
 LADIES 
 
 TAILORS 
 
 9 East r\)rty-Sc\-enth Street 
 Kenwood 
 I. C. Station 
 
 Telephone 
 Oakland 
 
 558 
 
 MR. MELVIX E. COLEM 
 as Roxy Ann Shekelswon 
 
THE UNIVERSITY 
 SETTLEMENT LEAGUE 
 
 'slMi^r^^ 
 
 fficcve for ISO? ---- 1000 
 
 Preside- lit 
 Vice-President 
 Recordi;ig Secretary 
 Corresponding Secretary 
 Treasurer 
 
 Mrs. E. O. Jordan 
 
 Mrs. J. R. Angkll 
 
 Mrs. Jacques Loeb 
 
 Mrs. C. p. Small 
 
 Mrs. C. D. Buck 
 
 3!) i r c c 1 r 
 
 Mrs. W. R. Harper 
 Mrs. W. D. MacClintock 
 Mrs. F. H. Montgomery 
 
 Mrs. G. L. Hendrickson 
 Mrs. Charles Zeublin 
 Mrs. R. G. Moulton 
 
 Miss S. W. Peabody 
 
 P a t r n c 6 s r 6 
 
 Mrs. G. E. Adams Mrs. S. E. Barrett Mrs. A. C. Bartlett 
 
 Mrs. Enimons Blaine Mrs. C. J. Blair 
 
 Mrs. C. W. Brega Mrs. A. J. Caton Mrs. W. J. Chalmers 
 
 Mrs. H. C. Chatfield-Taylor Mrs. F. S. Coolidge 
 
 Mrs. Henry Dibblee Mrs. J. J. Glessner Mrs. W. R. Harper 
 
 Mrs. E. A. Hamill Mrs. C. D. Hamill 
 
 Mrs. C. L. Hutchin.son Mrs. H. H. KoliLsaat Mrs. W. R. Linn 
 
 Mrs. F. O. Lowden Mrs. C. H. McCormick 
 
 Mrs. H. F. McCormick Mrs. E. L. Ryer.son Mrs. M. A. Ryerson 
 
 Mrs. G A. Seaverns Mrs. B. L. Smith 
 
 Mrs. A. A. Spragne Mrs. O. S. A. Sprague Mrs. W. B. Walker 
 
 Mrs. H. M. Wilmarth 
 
 3 
 / 
 
ANY PhKSON CAN J'LAV THE 
 PIANO WITH THP: aid OF THE 
 
 An^elus Orchestral Piano Player 
 
 
 It plays any piano. Any person can play it, and it plays any and all kinds of music. 
 It plays with perfect expression, and the touch and technique of the master artist. 
 The pedals of expression on the piano are manipulated the same as when playing by 
 hand. No other piano player does this. Its resources and capabilities are inexhaust- 
 ible. It possesses greater capacity and has greater variety than any other piano player. 
 It never grows old ; the longer one has it the better it is liked. It is a perfect instru- 
 ment in itself and can be played away from the piano. It must be seen and heard in 
 order to be understood and appreciated. Visitors always welcome. It can be seen and 
 heard daily at 209 Wabash Avenue, Chicago. 
 
 THE MANY-TONE -CROWN" PIANO 
 
 is the fourth, last and highest step in the evolution of the piano. It is the culmination of 
 a century's effort to make the piano an instrument of varied tone qualities. In all those 
 requirements which enter into and make a piano of the highest merit, it has no superior, and 
 in addition thereto the capacity is enlarged, capabilities greatly increased, it is more dura- 
 ble, and is an Instrument of vastly superior attainments. The only Many-Tone Piano. 
 
 GEO. P. BEX7\ Mauufacturcr 
 
 Salesrooms : 209 Wabash Avenue 
 
 Factory: 249 Washington Boulevard 
 
 CHICAGO, ILL. 
 
Mrs. G. E. Adams Mrs. A. L. Baker Mr. A. C. Bartlett 
 
 Mr. E. M. Barton Mrs. Emmons Blaine 
 
 Mrs. C. J. Blair Mrs. W. J. Chalmers Mr. Marshall Field 
 
 Mrs. H. C. Chatfield-Taylor Mrs. E. A. Hamill 
 
 Mrs. C. R. Henderson Mrs. W. R. Linn Mr. T. R. Lyon 
 
 Mrs. F. O. Lowden Mrs. H. F. McCormick 
 
 Mr. H. A. Rust Mr. O. S. A. Sprague Mrs B. L. Smith 
 
 Mrs. A. A. Sprague Mr. G. C. Walker 
 
 C fi t It m r C 111 m 1 1 1 c c 
 
 Mrs. J. R. Angell Mrs. C. D. Buck Mrs. F. I. Carpenter 
 
 Mrs. S. W. Cutting Mrs. H. H. Donaldson 
 
 Miss Gertrude Dudley Mrs, H. S. Fisk Miss E. D. Flood 
 
 Mrs. G, M. Hobbs Mrs. F. A. Johnson 
 
 Mrs. E. O.Jordan Mrs. H. P. Judson Mrs. Jacques Loeb 
 
 Mrs. R. M. Lovett Mrs. C. R. Mann 
 
 Mrs. Heinrich Maschke Mrs. E. H. Moore Mrs. Shailer Mathews 
 
 Mrs. F. H. Montgomery Miss A. B. Reed 
 
 Mrs. F. W. Shepardson Mrs. C. P. Small Mrs. Benjamin Terry 
 
 Mrs. G. E. Vincent Miss Nellie Woodhead 
 
 Mrs. Charles Zueblin 
 
 finance € o ni mt 1 1 r c 
 
 Mrs. C. F. Millspaugh Miss S. W. Peabody Mrs. G. E. Vincent 
 
 Mr. H. R. Hatfield 
 
 ommtttfc on Ctckcts 
 
 Mr. A C. Miller Mr. Alexander Smith 
 
 51 Ik I" 6 
 
 Miss Addanis 
 Miss Blanchard 
 Miss Boyd 
 Miss Canterbury 
 Miss Capps 
 Miss Chambers 
 Miss Chandler 
 
 Miss Choate 
 Miss Doyle 
 Miss Fitch 
 Miss Freeman 
 Miss Frisbie 
 Miss Hammond 
 Miss Hardy 
 
 Miss Harper 
 Miss Keay 
 Miss Kohlsaat 
 jVIiss Mooney 
 Miss Pardee 
 Miss Parker 
 
 Miss Roberts 
 Miss Shailer 
 Mi.ss Stitt 
 Miss Summerville 
 Miss Tunnicliff 
 Miss Vanderlip 
 
# 
 
 MR.GEO. YOUNd 
 
 as Katie ClattL-rini; 
 
 George Washington 
 
 ELEtTKIFIED THE NATIONS AND 
 MADE THE ENEMY TAKE TO 
 
 T H E W O O D S 
 
 George Dewey 
 
 ELECTRIFIED THE WORLD BY 
 MAKINC; THE SPANIARDS TAKE TO 
 
 THE W O O D S 
 
 The Nations of theWorld 
 
 THUS ELECTRIFIED 
 ARE ALL TAKINt; TO THE 
 
 W O O D S 
 
 A 
 
 B 
 
 C 
 
 Woods Motor Vehicles Jlni^l^^c ^'World's Standard" 
 
 STRENGTH, STYLE, DURABILITY, SPEED, \VORKMANSHIP AND iMATE- 
 RIAL UNSURPASSED :: INTERCHANGEABLE IN ALL DETAILS :: BALL 
 BEARINGS :: LATEST STYLES :: LIGHTEST WEIGHT :: LOWEST PRICES 
 ALL ELECTRIC :: :: OPERATION SIMPLE AND AT A LOW COST 
 
 The best Testimonial: Constantly increasing demand for our vehicles; 
 more than thirty patterns to select from for business and pleasure. 
 
 PURCHASE NOW AND ENJOY THE RIDING SEASON NOW OPENING 
 CIratuitous Instruction given Lady Purchasers of our Automobiles 
 
 WOODS MOTOR VEHICLE CO. 
 
 545 to ,40 Wabash Avenue, ChicaKO :: Vanderbilt Ave. and 44th St., New York 
 14 King Street, Toronto, Ont., Canada 
 
 Telephones * '^-'''''''SO" "5'' Write or send for Illustrated Automobile Catalogue 
 
 ^ I Harrison 2301 in colors; or, better still, call on us 
 
 "Electric Automobiles, C.irc, CMnstruction and Oper^ition," $1.23, H.S.Stone & Co., Pubs,, Chicago 
 
By HUBBUB WILLING HUBBUB 
 
 Here is a little theme by our great master Bake-oveii. In it 
 he obviously seeks to portray the difficulties of life without 
 rocks. The burden is carried by the strings, on account of the 
 composer's great difficulty in raising the wind. First comes 
 {a) a loud bold measure, indicative of the bluff with which he 
 stands off his washerwoman, well brought out by the 'cello. 
 Next is a touching strain, where the author meets a friend and 
 endeavors to negotiate a small loan {b). The contrapuntal 
 dissonance {c) indicates that the effort was unsuccessful. It is 
 worth noting that motives (b) and [c] are repeatedly worked 
 over. Suddenly a diversion is heard from afar — a single shrill 
 note. This is the whistle id) of the hot-tamale man. A second 
 time this melodious fanfare sounds forth, and in haste the hero 
 rushes offi With an exultant cry (<?) he clutches a piece of 
 tamale. In a rapid finale the piece then passes on to its close. 
 
 MoUo inoderaio 
 
 I I 
 
 
 
 This sweet and tender melody was composed when the 
 author was 67. Notice the horns ; in the first performance it 
 is said the composer was forced to blow his own. The strings 
 come in at the fourth bar, but do not blame them ; it is not 
 every one who can pass three. The motive here is supposed 
 
 7 
 
PlTKIN«^BROOKS 
 
 RKTAILKRS - AT MODKRATK PRK:KS- RETAILERS 
 
 A WELL-SELECTED STOCK OF 
 
 Fine Table China 
 Lamps, Brie a Brae 
 and Jardinieres 
 
 Manufacturers Rich 
 C u t Glass w a r e 
 
 MR. EMORY COBB ANDREWS 
 in The Deceitful Dean 
 
 WE ARE EQl IPFEl) FOR 
 
 OTTEITTING EDUCATIONAL, CHARITABLE AND 
 
 PUBLIC INSTITUTIONS AT VERY 
 
 LOW PRICES 
 
 PITKIN ^ BROOKS 
 
 ESTAIII-ISIIKI) 1S72 
 
 Cor. State and Lake Sts. 
 
PROGRAM NOTES 
 
 C o n t i n u e d 
 
 to have been thirst. The oboes — by the way, how do you 
 pronounce oboe ? — have been inadvertently omitted. It is 
 generally conceded that the sweetness and tender delicacy of 
 this little work are perhaps sweeter and tenderer than has gen- 
 erally been conceded. Further comment will hardly be required, 
 as the pieK:e has been presented twice in America already. 
 
 Allegro. 
 
 Cellos 
 
 This splendid composition, full of color and odor, was written 
 by mistake, we believe, and never rectified. Here is a timid, 
 writhing figure, something like a bashful sea-serpent, full of 
 syncopated nervous scales. The bassoons, the baboons, and the 
 madly-sounding kettle-drums are heard like a German band in 
 the distance. The charming episode is continued in spite of the 
 efforts of the coppers and the brasses to arrest it. But hark, 
 what is that in the distance? Is it our old friend the wood- 
 wind? It is no other. After which the theme is worked over, 
 till with solemn strides it rises to a climax, which is sealed by 
 the whole orchestra, which is paid for at union rates, which 
 are very reasonable, which is why they are employed, which — 
 excuse me, where was I? Let me present motive 46 b, deliv- 
 ered by^the oboe, c. o. d. 
 
 Andante niolto 
 
 J.- 
 
CARSON, PIRIE 
 SCOTT ^ CO 
 
 "GOOD 
 MERCHANDISE 
 
 WISELY BOUOHT 
 
 HONESTLY ADYERTISED 
 
 dv REASONABLY 
 
 SOLD " 
 
 MK. HKNRV ADKINSOX 
 
 Oil this timc-lionorcd and tested 
 platform we lia\e built up a 
 magnifieent business. We make 
 no effort to compete w ith houses 
 that sell poor things cheaply, but 
 bend all our energies to supplying our customers 
 with the best things of every season at prices rul- 
 ing lower than they will be offered elsewhere. 
 
 EVERY SORT of good garment or article of 
 clothing ready-to-wear for women, men and children. 
 
 ( E\icpt men's suits aiul overc.nts.) 
 
 EVPLRV SORT of high-class fabric, foreign 
 and domestic. 
 
 K\'KR\' GOOD grade of carpets, rugs, upholstery, 
 
 bedsteads, bedding, etc., to add to the comfort and 
 
 beauty of the home. 
 
 RE.VL DAROAIXS (/..•., DESIRAIJEE GOODS \T LESS 
 THAN USUAL PRICES) IN E V E R ^■ STOCK 
 
.t^ongs" BY Miss M. Cooke, Mr. C. R. Barrett, Mr. J. W. Linn, Mr F. 
 J. Miller, and others. ^Dialogue by vSeveral Hands. .llBusic from 
 Various Sources, Arranged and Orchestrated by Mr. O. S. Brown. 
 
 Cajst: 
 
 Mr. Scott Brown 
 
 Mr. R. C. Manning 
 
 Mr. p. J. Payne 
 
 Mr. E. M. Lubeck 
 
 Mr. H. M. Adkinson 
 
 Mr. H. G. Leighton 
 
 Mr. V. W. Sincere 
 
 Mr. E. p. Rich 
 
 Mr. H. B. Challiss 
 
 Mr. Wilbur Bassett 
 
 Mr. C. B Davis 
 
 Richard Wingold — The Academic Alchemist 
 
 Harry Burleigh — Friend to IVingold 
 
 Uriah Wiley — Head Professor of Alchemy 
 
 William Brainy Driver — President of the University 
 
 H. E. Runsitall — Secretary to President Driver 
 
 William McKingly — President of the United States 
 
 Jack Straw — Secretary of State 
 
 George Diddit — Ad>niral of the U. S. Navy 
 
 Nelson A. Styles — Major General of the U. S. Army 
 
 Campus Martius — A Mendicant Merchant 
 
 P. D. Q. Packingham — An Itinerant Caterer 
 
 Hautboy Redfern-Redfern — ^« Indigent Dancing- Rlaster Mr. H. A.Tirrell 
 
 H. H. Kartoffelsalat — .^ Needy Neivsboy Mr. B. R. Bell 
 
 A. S. Drooper \ v> u i r>t ■ f ^ ( Mr. T. I. Prugh 
 
 '^ I Penitetit Pilgrims frotn 1 •" 
 
 Pat N. Gill : o A • / rr ■ r ■{ Mr. H. B. Challiss 
 
 I Step sister Universities ] 
 
 C. K. Sadams ) ( Mr. V. W. Sincere 
 
 Mr. A F. Naylor 
 
 Mr. R. C. Brown 
 
 Mr. M. E. Coleman 
 
 Mr. S. C. Mosser 
 
 Mr. a. T, Stewart 
 
 Mr. H. p. Williamson 
 
 Katie Clattering — Stenographer to President Driver Mr. G. A.Young 
 
 Mrs. Headway — One of the Four Hundred Mr. A. W. Pierce 
 
 Mrs. Benison — An Amiable Almsgivcr Mr. C. S. Freeman 
 
 Signorina Giratrice — Premiere Danseuse Mr. C. M. Hoagland 
 
 Braymore Bellows — A Collapsible Orator 
 Walter Van Smirkle — A Retiring Business Man 
 Roxy Ann Shekelsworth — A Fair Philanthropist 
 Maud S. Trotwell — Confidante to Roxy An7i 
 
 Rebecca Withering — An EncDiy of Coeducation \ 
 
 (iarf)C v!3otf lis ail ft - Messrs. F. P. Barker, L. J. Bevan, L. W. Case, H. Cohen, 
 H. E. Covey, T. F. Freeman, ,\. Y. Hoy, H. F. Mac Neish, E. Monroe, C. 
 M. Steele, C. W. Trumbull, E. A. Sibley, H. Woodhead. 
 
 •Cooks' >Quartct -Messrs. G. M. Hobbs, J. L. Cook, V. W. Sincere, B. F. 
 Millspaugh. 
 
 .§)\DCCpccs' ^cigabc — Messrs. A. E. Bestor, Eliot Blackwelder, H. B. 
 Blakey, H. E Bulkley, V. T. Ferris, H. G. Gale, R. C. Hamill, E. C. 
 Kohlsaat, E. W. Kohlsaat, R. C. Manning, H. H. Newman, J. E. Raycroft, 
 A. B. Snider, H. B. Wyman, H. E. Wilkins, Clark Reed. 
 
 II 
 
MR. GEO YOX'NG 
 
 MR. HENRY ADKIXSON 
 
 Act 1. Scene I. 
 
 (with modekx variations) 
 
 RUXSITALL. {Taking 
 a dri;i k of zi'a fer) : I f the 
 stao^e manag-er would only 
 furnish Hxdrox Giiiger 
 Ale, or some of the other 
 IT\clrox beverages, like 
 Root Beer, Birch Beer or 
 Sarsaparilla, we would 
 all he al)Ie to cheer up 
 and wouldn't feel so blue. 
 
 BURLKIGII. { On scales, consnitinff his book) : Three 
 pounds lost since last night. The doctor told me I could 
 reduce Hesh if I would drink a few glasses of H\-drox 
 Kissing(;n and H)-dr()x \'ichy on alternate days, and I 
 see he was right. Xow I am going to begin enjoying 
 lite and ch'ink only Hx'drox Lithia, H\'drox Selters and 
 that sDarklirg table water, H)-drolaris. What a tim(^ I 
 will have ! 
 
 Rebecca WlTHI-RING. {To AndicncA: If \ou 
 want to enjoy life you can obtain these; delightful 
 beverages if yon writ(,'. call or telephone The Consumers 
 Comipanv, .v'^^l''. B)Utler and 36th Streets, telephone 
 south 620. 
 
 ( E X E U N r O M N ES. ) 
 
1 H E C A S T C o n t i n ti c d 
 
 l?olicc .§)quati -Messrs. B. F. Millspaugh and G. A. Young. 
 
 ?tnti)royomorpf)tC ?Cutomata — Messrs. P. S. Allen and J. E. Raycroft. 
 
 .5)CCietp p c p I e — Messrs. H. B. Blakey, R. C. Brown, W. E. Francis, C. S. 
 Freeman, R C. Hamill, E. C. Kohlsaat, A. W. Pierce, H. E. Wilkins. 
 
 "55 a IDiper — Mr. Robert Keith. 
 
 CbE 'iSlep bant— Fore-legs, Mr. M. E. Felt, Hind legs, Mr. W. S. Hilpert 
 
 €!)e Saniliersitp ^anb — Messrs. F. Bard, J. D. Cook, A. B. Gracelon, 
 E. D. Howard, P. Rhodes, Robertson, G. Wellemyer. 
 
 SJniVicrsit? JFootfaall (I e a m — Messrs. Cassells, Eldridge, Flaunagan, 
 Herschberger, Holste, Kennedy, Place, Sheldon, Speed and Webb. 
 
 Cbe Ca&ics —Masters Paul Harper, L,andor McClintock, Howard Burns, 
 Fletcher Marsh. 
 
 (CI) orus — Professors, Students, Soldiers, Sailors; Messrs. R.A.Augustine, W. 
 A. Averill. H. J. Ballentine, F. A. Bard, F. O. Barker, W. W. Blackman, 
 C. E. Carey, Herbert Cohen, C. B. Dirks, E. C. Eicher, W. H. Fielding, 
 A. B. Garcelon, H.W.Johnson, W. W.Johnston, Donnald Kennicott, Sid- 
 ney Klein, Eliot Norton, H. S. Osborne, E. P. Rich. C W. Richards, 
 D.'R. Richberg, E. A. Sibley, A. J. Thomas, A. J. Walters, G. A. Wilson, 
 H. S. Young, W. Mac. Hanchett. 
 
 ©jrccutitoc ^taff 
 
 Mr. G. M. Hobbs, Musical Direcior Mr. R. C. Manning, Stage Manager 
 
 Mr. W. M. Kelso, Business Manager 
 
 >J2vcciititic Committee 
 
 Mr. C. B. Davis Mr. W. A. Gordon Mr. C. D. W. Halsey 
 
 Mr, W. L. Hudson Mr. C. S. Eaton Mr. B. G. Lee 
 
 Mr. Clark Reed 
 
 Mr. Adolph Rosenbecker, Conductor of Orchestra. 
 The mechanical features of the opera — the automobile, the transmuter, the 
 elephant, etc., were designed and constructed under the supervision of Mr. 
 E. S. Norton. 
 
 ^pnopsis of ^ccncrp 
 
 ACT I — The University Grounds. Hull Court. 
 ACT II — Interior of the New University Commons. 
 ACT III — Same scene as in Act I. 
 
 The special scene, the Hull Court of the University by Sosman & Landis. 
 Haberdashery of society men from Tom INIurray. 
 Wigs supplied by the B. C. Strehl Company. 
 Jewelry used kindly loaned by Spaulding l^' Company. 
 
 Ices served by the Home Delicacies Association, Fine Arts Building (profits 
 for the Settlement Fund). 
 
 13 
 
A Telephone 
 in the Home 
 
 saves time and steps and 
 temper. 
 
 Its use is demanded 
 every day. The cost is 
 but tritline — 
 
 16 CtS. Per Day 
 
 and 
 up. 
 
 riie ne\\' Measiu'ed 
 Service ^^■il] ])lease you. 
 Ask about it. 
 
 The Chicago Telephone Co,. 
 
 Contract Department. 203 Washington Street » 
 
ACT I 
 
 Scene: Tue University Campus zvith Hull Gate in the back,s;round. 
 
 H. E. RUNSITALL, HARRY BURLEIGH, REBECCA WITHERING and CHORUS, in 
 
 old and tattered garments. All faces shoiv signs of emaciation and distress. 
 
 Opening Chorus: 
 (Air: "Forsaken." Words by F. J. M.) 
 
 Forlorn and forgotten and hopeless we're left, 
 Abandoned by fortune, of friends all bereft ; 
 The gloom of disaster doth blacken our skies, 
 And grief's bitter waters distill from our eyes. 
 
 For he whom our leader aforetime hath met, 
 Our needs oft presenting, " lest he should forget," 
 His love and devotion to us hath forgot ; 
 Oh bitter, how bitter, — he kuoweth us not ! 
 
 Oh sweet is the sound of the nightingale's song, 
 And the voice of the brook as it glideth along ; 
 But sweeter by far that wonted refrain — 
 Oh heavenly rapture — a million or twain ! 
 
 RuNSiTALL. {Taking a drink of zvater) It's not as nourish- 
 ing as it used to be in the good old days before the drainage canah 
 
 Burleigh. {On scales., consulting his book) Three pounds 
 lost since last night. {Figures a moment.) At three pounds 
 a day I can last just thirty days longer. ( Pulls out his clothes 
 afoot or two to shoiu his decrease ; then goes to the water-cooler., 
 singing ^^ John D. Rockejeller.'''') 
 
 Student. Yes, I would sing "John D. '' if I were you. 
 What's the matter with John D ? 
 
 15 
 

 <l;i.00 MILWAUKEE 
 
 D 
 
 NOT 
 
 
 GOODRICH 
 
 1 
 
 q.30 a.m. 
 Week Days 
 
 10.00 a.m. 
 Sundays 
 
 litter up your liouse with 
 unbound magazines, have 
 them bound at the 
 
 Chicago 
 Job Book Bindery 
 
 Established 1887 
 
 
 ■iUS 
 
 
 I'irst trip, Juiu 
 -3d, on 
 
 
 STEAMERS 
 
 
 
 
 ColuiT 
 
 ibus 
 
 35-37 ^0 
 
 uth Clark Street 
 
 (Luxurious Dining 
 
 Room, Service 
 
 a la carte) 
 
 V i r cr i n i a 
 
 Night Boat 
 9.00 p.m. Berths for all. 
 
 Ticket Office 
 and Docks 
 
 f 
 
 $ 
 
 
 Special attention 
 
 To Binding 
 Law and 
 Medical Books 
 Resewing and 
 Repairing 
 
 References: 
 University of Chicago 
 
 Library 
 Cliicai;o Law Institute 
 
 Foot of Michiiian Ave. 
 
 / 
 
 -.ii4~ 
 
 Telephone Central 158 
 
 Telephone 
 718 Oakland 
 
 
 
 do not 
 forc.et the 
 
 A. 
 
 iMcAdams 
 
 FLORIST 
 
 MR. A.T.STEWART 
 as Rebecca Withering 
 
 Famous 
 
 Tailoring 
 
 Co. 
 
 
 GREENHOUSES 
 
 ■.,.- ...1 <, ,„,! Kimbark 
 
 -Ave. Cnic.\<".o 
 
 Reliable Var 
 
 LADIES' TAILC 
 176 E. 53d St. 
 
 sity Tailors, 346 E. 55th St. 
 )RING DEP'T 
 
 
 Penn oyer San itariuju 
 
 Kknosha, Wis. 
 
 BORDEN'S 
 
 The Ideal Resting Place 
 
 Combines in most perfect form 
 the quiet and isolation of country 
 life with the comfort and luxury of 
 higli-class hotels and the safety of 
 the best medical skill and nursmg. 
 For illustrated prospectus address 
 
 CON DENS KD MILK. 
 FLUID MILK, CREAM 
 AND BUTTERM ILK 
 
 N. A. Pennoyek, M. D., Manager 
 
 Chicago Office: 
 70 .State St. ..Tuesdays, 2 to 1 
 
 Borden's Condensed Milk Co. 
 
 627-633 East 47th Street 
 
 16 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Chorus. {U'ail) He's gone broke ! 
 
 Bur. Don't yon believe it ! Do yon want to know what's 
 the matter with our great and good friend ? 
 
 All. Of course ! Yes — what ? 
 
 Bur. {Confidential stage whisper^ Prexy Driver told 
 the Student Council in strictest confidence, and three of them 
 told me, that Mr. Rockefeller has gone back on us because 
 we've given up burning oil and taken to soft coal ! 
 
 Rebecca. Nonsense ! I've direct information from the 
 Dean of Women that Mr. Rockefeller is indignant because so 
 many men are admitted to the school. He wanted it to be the 
 Vassar of the West. 
 
 Solo : Rebecca Withering. 
 (Air : "Jane, Jane," etc. Words by M. C.) 
 
 You send a man to college, and I pledge you now my word, 
 
 That he thinks he knows it all from A to Z. 
 
 He believes he's woman's equal, and of course that's quite absurd; 
 
 It just ruins him for all time, as you see. 
 
 He will go in for basket-ball ; he wants the tennis prize ; 
 
 He must play indoor baseball, too; of course he can't knock flies. 
 
 He won't believe that he is frail and handicapped by size, 
 
 When he gets new-fangled notions in his head. 
 
 Chorus : 
 
 Think ! Think ! To let the poor man think, 
 That he can ever win athletic fame, — 
 To let the wretches hope with women's teams to cope, 
 It strikes me that it is a burning shame. 
 
 {Faint sounds heard zvitliout. Students all listeri.) 
 Bur. Oh, it's nothing but the band. {Beckoning) Come 
 on, boys. 
 
 He sings " Oh give us a tune. Band leader. Band leader ! '' 
 ENTER coi^ORED JANITOR {carrying the bass drum) and four members 
 
 OF THE BAND. 
 
 {They stagger forward and try to play, but the instruments wheeze 
 and break pitif idly . At the C7id the janitor passes his cap.) 
 Bur. Aren't we miserable enough without this? 
 
The Mor2;an Park Academy 
 
 of tlie University of Chicago is just out- 
 side the city limits on the Chicago, Rock 
 Island and Pacific R. R., in a most favor- 
 able school environment. The grounds 
 of the Academy are l^eautiful and exten- 
 sive and provide facilities for all forms of 
 healthful outdoor sports. To Chicago 
 parents this advantage of the Academy's 
 situation should offer strong attractions, 
 for it makes it possible for them to have 
 their boys at home regularly or occasion- 
 ally on Saturdays and Sundays and yet give 
 to them the opportuniiv to acquire stur- 
 diness and independence through se]5ara- 
 tion from home during the rest of the week. Advantages of this separation 
 appear in the freedom from social distractions, the opportunity of following 
 out the order of a well-planned day, the receiving from teachers of more in- 
 dividual attention than is possible in many of the city high schools, the com- 
 munity interests of the school, and the exchange of the oftentimes harmful 
 influences of city surroundings for morally wholesome and physically health- 
 ful interests. Twelve men of experience and training make up the faculty. 
 The six buildings are modern and the equipment of library and laboratories 
 is complete. Aftei- July /, igoo, the Aauicmy will be a school for boys o)ily. 
 
 Thorough preparation is given for the University of Chicago, Harvard, Vale, and the 
 otiier leading colleges east and west. Two courses in manual training work will be added to 
 the curriculum next year. Visit the Academy and see for yourself these advantages, or ad- 
 dress for a catalogue Wayland J. Chase, Dean of the Academy, Morgan Park, 111. 
 
 East Hall, one of three Dormitories of the 
 Morgan Park .Academy 
 
 ACADEMIES AFFILIATED WITH THE 
 UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO: 
 
 Tnlui TK QfAfcnn T Tni-V7-(=»i'cif\7 De Land, Florida. (Affiliated with the Uni- 
 JUUll JJ. OLCLSUU L^lllVCrbU), versity of Chicago.) Students in delicate 
 health can find here ideal conditions of climate and surroundings. The very highest standards 
 of work in College and Academy. Send for Catalogue. John F. Forbes, President. 
 
 Tlic Frances Shimer Academy tJ:^'i:^fll^^^i^^, 
 
 healthful surroundings; high-grade work ; unusual opportunities in Music and .Xrt as well as in 
 Scholastic work; moderate expense. Fall Quarter opens September nth. For illustrated cata- 
 logue apply to Rev. Wm. P. McKee, Dean, Mt. Carroll, 111. 
 
 Ken w ood Institute 
 
 ACADEMY FOR GIRLS 
 
 40 East 47th Street, Chicago 
 
 Telephone Oakland 55.; 
 
 J. n. KINTZ 
 Jackson Park Stables 
 
 '"M,. 273 K. 57th St., 
 
 Chicago 
 
 Chic.igo Beach 
 Del Prado 
 Hyde Park and ( 
 Windermere • J 
 
 1 he illustralioui in this book are 
 printed from plates made by the 
 
 Illinois Engraving Co. 
 
 356 Dearborn .'street, who are 
 leaders in the arts of Designing, 
 Illustrating and the making of 
 Printing Plates, Send for tlieir 
 "Old .Style Booklet" and other 
 specimens 
 
 kS 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Member of Band. Well, we never could play anything 
 but " Hot Time," and now that's barred. Come on, boys, we'll 
 have a try at the Women's Quadrangle. 
 
 EXEUNT BAND. 
 
 {Squabble and wrestling match 7tow discovered between two vieji at 
 right side of stage ^ 
 
 Bur, {Parting contestants) What's the trouble, fellows ? 
 
 Student. I gave him a bean last week, and he won't pay 
 me back. {^Starts at antagonist again.) I will have a bean ! 
 
 Bur. Let up there, here comes Head Professor Wiley. 
 
 ENTER TWO EMACIATED FIGURES. 
 
 {They come stealthily, in true bandit majvier, to music of the 
 Tarantella.') 
 
 ENTER WH,EY. 
 
 Wiley. {Aside) Ha ! Good ! The charm works. I thought 
 I could fix Mr. Rockefeller with that new leg-protector I sent 
 him. It's a sure cure for Philanthropy. Now let 'em starve 
 awhile. I wish I weren't so hungry myself. They'll love me 
 all the more when my experiment succeeds. Then they'll sing: 
 
 "Is that Prof. U. Wiley 
 They speak of so highly" 
 
 instead of "John D. Rockefeller, Wonderful man is he." "The 
 University of Chicago, Founded by John D. Rockefeller. 
 Redeemed by Uriah Wiley!" How's that for high ? Hold! 
 I've a good mind to go over to Northwestern when my tests are 
 certain. No. Roxy Ann wouldn't think of me then. North- 
 western Profs, aren't in it with those swell girls. Roxy has got 
 the philanthropic habit too. That's what makes her take such 
 an interest in Wingold. I wonder what that fellow's up to. I 
 can't keep track of him. Since the President began to appoint 
 the Fellows himself, they don't take the Head Professors' courses 
 and we can't keep them safely behind us. I'll be bound he's 
 trying to ferret out my secret. There's his pal, Burleigh. I'll 
 pump him a bit. 
 
 19 
 
Mrs. 
 Helen E.Starrett's 
 
 Lewis Institute 
 
 SUMMER SESSION 
 July 9th to August I 7th 
 
 CLASSICAL AND SCIENTIFIC 
 SCHOOL FOR GIRLS 
 
 Courses in Science, Literature and 
 Technology 
 
 Vincennes Ave. and Oakwood Blvd. 
 
 9 
 
 
 «{- 
 
 MR. STACY C. MOSSER 
 
 THE SPIERING 
 VIOLIN SCHOOL 
 
 708-709 Fine Arts Building.. .Chicago 
 
 VIOLIN : 
 
 Mr. Theodore Shiering Mr. Otto Roehrhorn 
 
 Mr. William Diestel 
 
 'cello : 
 Mr. Herman Diestel 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Bur. Professor Wiley, can you tell us the real reason why 
 Mr. Rockefeller has deserted us ? Is it because President Driver 
 declined to affiliate Harvard ? 
 
 WiL. [hypocritically) Alas ! poor students, haven't you 
 heard the truth ? The Methodists converted him at a revival, 
 and now all his money goes to that suburban school — North- 
 western ! 
 
 {Students burst into tears and iveep aloud. Wiley dives for a crust 
 dropped by Miss Withering, zvho tries to 7'ecover it. They bump 
 heads. Two students seize upon Miss Withering. She screams.) 
 
 WiL. [Returning crust) Poor soul ! I, too, am starving. 
 If I should lose my mind — ah then, Wingold might gain fame 
 and fortune while I raved in a mad-house. Alas, what a change 
 from the days of my prosperity ! 
 
 Solo: The Head Professor's Lament. Wiley. 
 ( Air : "I'd Like It ;" Ameer. Words by J. W. L.) 
 
 If the old-style Head-Professorship could be revived again, I'd like it. 
 To be loved by all the ladies and bowed down to by the men, I'd like it. 
 Then we lectured if we wanted, and, if not, we learned to dance ; 
 Then we wrote our checks for thousands and they cashed them at a glance; 
 Now, if I were only certain I'd a quarter in my pants, I'd like it. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 For I am a Head Professor, but I can't seem to make it pay ; 
 
 My income is spent, and I haven't a cent, and I'd nothing to eat today ! 
 
 Just to go to Congregation in the good old-fashioned way, I'd like it. 
 Just to watch dear Prexy yawning while I said my little say, I'd like it. 
 Just to know that all acknowledged both my learning and my charm ; 
 Just to see the futile student as he stared in some alarm, 
 While I passed him with the lady of his choice upon my arm, I'd like it. 
 
 To be asked down-town to dinner as I often used to be, I'd like it. 
 To get into all the golf clubs and not have to pay the fee, I'd like it. 
 To be thought a fount of wisdom that could never trickle dry ; 
 Not to have a single student, for they never got so high ; 
 To be introduced to magnates, and to wink the other eye, I'd like it. 
 
 To compare the school I teach in to the one where I was taught, I'd like it. 
 To attend the games of football, but the Convocations not, I'd like it. 
 To be thought a politician in a gentlemanly way ; 
 To have views about the Boers and about Manila Bay ; 
 And to write a little pamphlet and distribute by the dray, I'd like it. 
 
 21 
 
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 ***^..J 
 
 
 
 MR.S.C. MOSSER 
 as Maud S. Trotwell 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Bur. Cheer up, fellows, things have got to take a turn. 
 They're on the way now. Mr. Runsitall, do you know Wingold ? 
 
 Runs. The chap with the yearning look, who lives in the 
 Alchemy Lab.? 
 
 Bur. He doesn't live there. He only works there. But 
 that's the man — my old chum, Dick Wingold, the cleverest 
 man who ever broke a test-tube. He looks like a hero, he sings 
 like an angel, and he works like — the dickens. He knows 
 everything. Give him a bone — a simple bone — and in a 
 moment he will tell you whether it belonged to a pterodactyl 
 or a parallelopipedon. Clever? In two months he can get a 
 fact into the head of a summer student. He can cut hair ; do 
 tricks with cards ; make love and make money. 
 
 Runs. Well, what about him ? 
 
 Bur. Why, at this very moment he is perfecting a ma- 
 chine — but hush ! hush ! — there are reporters present. I only 
 wish he'd hurry. It was two weeks ago at noon today — I had 
 an ^%^ sandwich. 
 
 Runs. Speaking of hunger, I heard a good one yesterday: 
 " What made the Tower of Pisa lean ? " 
 
 All. Give it up. 
 
 Runs. It boarded at the Women's Halls. 
 
 REb. ( Munching her crusty Oh ! the food at those Halls ! 
 We've eaten all the leaves in the Botanical Herbarium for 
 salad, and today we reached the end. They passed us each a 
 short stick of slippery-elm. The cooks are out now looking for 
 cube roots and electric currents. 
 
 EXIT RUNSITAH. ENTER THE FOUR COOKS. 
 
 The Cooks' Quartette. 
 ( Air : " If You Want a Receipt;" Patience. Words by F. J. M.) 
 
 If you waut a receipt for that popular entity 
 Known to the world as a ' Varsity Girl, 
 Abandon awhile your accustomed identity, 
 Follow us through our professional whirl. 
 
 And first you must study the science of cookery, 
 Isodynamical values of fat ; 
 
 23 
 
Libby's Canned Meats Forty Years the Standard 
 
 Libby's 
 
 Boneless Chicken 
 
 A Delicious Luncheon 
 Sirbstantial 
 
 Carefully cooked and packed in the Libby 
 Kitchens so that tlie natural flavor of fresh 
 cooked chicken is 
 retained. 
 
 Convenient sizedkey- 
 opening cans. Ask 
 your grocer. 
 
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 McXEIl,L& 
 
 LIBBV 
 
 CHICACO.T'.S.A. 
 
 For Watches 
 Diamonds 
 Jewelry 
 Sterling 
 Silver 
 Cut Glass 
 Optical 
 Goods, etc. 
 Call on 
 
 Commonwealth 
 Electric Company 
 
 DISTRICT OFFICES 
 
 S(juthern District 5502 S. Halsted St. 
 
 Telephone Wentworth 536 
 
 N'orthern District 667 Lincoln Ave. 
 
 Telephone Lake View 150 
 
 W'estern District 
 1052 W. Madison St. 
 Telephone West S61 
 
 MR JOHN' COOKK 
 in The Deceitful Dean 
 
 KLECTRIC 
 LIGHT c5>' 
 P O \\' E R 
 
 L 
 
 Trefle 
 Incarnat 
 
 ▲ A 
 
 Lapp ^Flershem 
 
 N. E. Corner 
 
 State and Adams Sts. (2d Floor) 
 
 Entrance, 195 State St. 
 
 Fiver, Pan's 
 
 I-- the most persistent and pleasing of the 
 
 newest French perfumes. Price 
 
 75 cents per ounce in 
 
 bulk. 
 
 Selling Agents for Cliicasro 
 
 Auditorium Pharmacy 
 Company 
 
 T H E PER F U M E S T O R E 
 
 -M 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 The learned contents of our modern cook-bookery, 
 Functions of energized food, and all that. 
 
 Then learn of albuminoid stuff protoplastical, 
 Fitted for structure of brawn and of brain ; 
 The nature and forces of things epigastrical, 
 Metabolistical legerdemain. 
 
 Then bend your attention to learn calorimetry, 
 Aim at a physico-chemical symmetry ; 
 Scorn all the ways that are simple and practical. 
 This is the age of the purely didactical. 
 Marshal your learning, conclusively show 
 ThatyJw de Steele is never de trop. 
 
 Now list to the following careful analysis 
 Made by our famed anatomical head. 
 'Tis easy to see without mental paralysis, 
 Girls are as simple in structure as bread. 
 Take strawberries, olives, and fudges ad Hbilmn, 
 Crackers and lemonade, candy and cheese. 
 With lobster and rabbits ( you cannot prohibit 'em ), 
 Coffee and pickles and pie, if you please — 
 
 Take these as the base of our rare composition, 
 ( Drop in the card of the college physician). 
 Add the best brand of the feminine physical, 
 Generous-heartedness, wit fine and quizzical, 
 Beauty (a plenty) and goodness and grace, 
 Years ( not too many ), book learning — a trace ; 
 
 Steep in an atmosphere strictly grammatical, 
 Classico-physico-pure-mathematical ; 
 Turn them and stir them till " culture doth hum " — 
 And a ' Varsity Girl is the residuum. 
 
 Bur. Fellow students, we can endure no longer. Let's raid 
 Rector's, rob the Palmer House, ransack the Auditorium — any- 
 thing for food. But stay, here comes our dauntless leader; we 
 know that he won't ask for anything, but he may help us by 
 pointing out opportunities. 
 
 ENTER PRESIDENT DRIVER, RUNSITALL AND KATIE CIvATTERING. 
 
 25 
 
R. J. WALSHE 
 
 Draper 
 
 MR. C. S. FREEMAN 
 
 as Mrs. Benison 
 (Portrait by Dana Hull) 
 
 Tailor 
 
 2 1 5 Dearborn Street 
 
 Corner of Adams 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 li. UIMKKV. i'rcs t 1 . W. Gll-.MOKK. Tt 
 
 T.W.WilmarthCo. 
 
 Gas and Electric 
 
 Eixturcs 
 
 225 and 227 
 
 State St. 
 
 We 
 
 make a 
 
 specialty of 
 
 fine house and 
 
 office fixtures of our 
 
 own exclusive designs 
 
 26 
 
 Library Bureau 
 
 215 Madison St. 
 
 Makers of 
 
 Card Systems 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Chorus: He Is Our President. 
 (Air: " He is an Englishman;" Pinafore. Words by J. W. ly.) 
 
 He is our President, the Only! 
 
 He is our President! 
 
 Though our poverty half craze us, when he comes we lift 
 
 our praises. 
 For he is our President! 
 For he might have been a drummer, 
 At insurance been a hummer. 
 But his steps toward us he bent! 
 Yet he is our President! 
 And in spite of powers reversial 
 To embark in schemes commercial. 
 He remains our President, 
 He remains our President! 
 
 Driver. Graduate Students, Senior College Students, Junior 
 College Students, Unclassified Students, Affiliated Students, 
 Unaffiliated Students, and miscellaneous friends, this reception 
 moves me — shall I say? — strangely. I cannot trust myself to speak 
 without notes, I will not ask the orchestra to provide the 
 notes, but I simply mention the fact that I am ready to sing. 
 Mr. Runsitall, please hand me Ms. No. 72a! 
 
 Solo : Signs of Our Growth I Reveal. Driver. 
 (Air : "Oddfellows' Hall." Words by J. W. L.) 
 
 My friends, I am happy to greet you, to see you all looking so well; 
 Although you are thin in appearance, your voices are certainly swell. 
 Till now I have made it my motto, good fortune to coyly conceal, 
 But I hope you will pardon the action, if a bit of our growth I reveal. 
 
 Winnings, losings, I report them all ; law schools, telescopes, money for a hall; 
 Number of students, price of average meal — 
 
 When the times are like these it will certainly please, if the signs of our 
 growth I reveal. 
 
 Last week, at the regular weighing, our total was 64 ton. 
 The women made 53 of it, men 10, and the faculty i. 
 But yesterday — here are the figures — just after the regular meal, 
 We went up a hundredweight nearly! These signs of our growth I reveal. 
 
 27 
 
If 
 
 You 
 
 Use 
 
 TlIK 
 
 It will 
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 Vol' Well 
 From 
 
 BOSTON, QUEBEC, 
 
 NEW ENGLAND, MICHIGAN, 
 
 TORONTO, PHILADELPHIA, 
 
 DETROIT, MONTREAL, 
 
 NEW YORK, ONTARIO, 
 
 BUFFALO, CHICAGO. 
 
 Solid Vestibule T?'ains\ 
 via Niagara Falls 
 
 GREAT SCENIC ROUTE 
 
 Established 1873 
 
 Special Agents for Oxzyn Balm and Powder 
 For the Complexion it lias no equal 
 
 MR. LUBECK. MR. ADKINSON 
 
 MR. YOUNG 
 
 B.C.STREHLCO. 
 
 IMPORTERS OF 
 
 Human Hair and Toilet Goods 
 
 HAIR DRESSING, SHAMPOOING 
 Manicuring and Face Treatment 
 
 191 Wab.\sh Avenue 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 The average weight of a student is 96 pounds, at a strain, 
 Though the faculty run to a hundred on account of the heft of their brain. 
 The Greek is the heaviest section, Archaeology close on its heel; . 
 
 I myself am the stoutest instructor; this sign of my growth I reveal. 
 
 A gift I have got you from Boston, where they know what benevolence mean§, 
 
 I hated to take it from Harvard — a couple of cases of beans. 
 
 Mr. Smith, our anatomy teacher, contributes two frogs and an eel. 
 
 And "Anonymous " gives us a gridiron. These signs of our growth I reveal. 
 
 You're thin, as I said at the outset, but others are thinner than you; 
 
 There are skeletons hanging in Haskell, which expose every bone to the view. 
 
 The trustees have allowed me to promise, your misery sooner to heal. 
 
 You too may hang there in a corner, the course of your growth to reveal. 
 
 {President Driver sinks, exhausted, into the arms of Rimsitatt.) 
 Driv. {Recovering) Back to business ! Mr. Runsitall, the 
 
 mail ! Let us begin with the letters of inquiry concerning the 
 
 last summer quarter. [Dictates letters.) 
 
 ENTER BRAYMORE BELLOWS. 
 
 Driv. {Turning from his letters) Ah, Mr. Bellows, is it 
 not today that you represent us at the Western Intercollegiate 
 Oratorical Contest ? But you are not — shall I say ? — in condition. 
 
 Bel. Not quite, sir. I have been living on air for several 
 weeks now. 
 
 Driv. Well, well, we must see what can be done! We 
 should be disgraced if our man went on with this lean look ! 
 
 Runs. {Hastily takes bicycle pump from bag) This simple 
 apparatus will save the day ! {Attaches the pump to Belloivs who 
 fattens obviously^ 
 
 Student. Three times three for Mr. Runsitall. {Students 
 cheer.) 
 
 EXIT BELLOWS. 
 
 Driv, {Resumi^ig dictation) "My Dear Sir. In reply to 
 your letter of June, 1897 " 
 
 {Exetint students gradually , leaving a few lying about the stage. 
 Miss lVitheri?ig and Wiley lean on each other for stipport. Exit Presi- 
 dent in exhausted conditio7i, supported by Miss Clattering a7id Runsitall.) 
 
 Bur. This is tough! If Dick Wingold is going to do any- 
 thing, he can't get a move on him too soon. 
 
 ENTER WINGOLD. 
 
 29 
 
♦ 4' 
 
 MR. H.S.OSBORNE 
 
 As Society Girl 
 (Portrait by Dana Hull) 
 
 The Home 
 Delicacies Association 
 
 2970 Groveland Avenue ... Telephone South 888 
 Office in the Corridor of the Fine Arts Building 
 
 Frozen Creams, Ices, Cakes 
 Home-Made Bread & Salads 
 
 Among our many specialties .. Most careful service for all the 
 branches of private catering .. Price lists sent on application 
 
IHE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Bur. Why, here he is! But he's talking to himself and 
 I won't disturb him. 
 
 EXIT BURLEIGH. 
 
 Win. To sleep; perchance to dream; aye, there's the rub! 
 {Strokes his stomach.) 
 
 WiL. {Ill his sleep.) Another plateful— Oh! that's good! 
 
 Win. Poor creatures! These emaciated forms inspire me 
 to renewed efforts. I must succeed for their sakes. Besides, I'm 
 hungry myself. 
 
 Solo: Love Song to Science. Wingold. 
 (Air: "Gipsy Love Song." Words by J. W. L.) 
 
 Some say they are wedded to music or art, 
 
 But I only pity their folly; 
 With science I am content to try 
 
 This vale of melancholy! 
 Her kiss lies now upon my brow, 
 
 We tryst in the laboratory, 
 I hunt for the lass in a measuring-glass, 
 
 And to find her is my glory! 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Hail to thee, my goddess worth the serving, 
 
 Always, always true to me! 
 Long I courted, courted undeserving, 
 
 And of low degree. 
 Now I know thee, goddess worth the serving. 
 
 Now I clasp your hand; 
 Now the secrets you would tell me 
 
 I can understand ! 
 
 I worshiped a maid in the days that are gone, 
 
 But alas! she went too, to my sorrow; 
 Till Science taught: Though To-day is not. 
 
 You always have Tomorrow! 
 The lesson learned, my woe I spurned. 
 
 My old love slipped its tether; 
 Now I walk through life with my sweetheart-wife — 
 
 Science and I together! 
 
 {Din and clatter are heard without. Students sit up. An auto- 
 mobile — yiot made by Wood — dashes in.) 
 
 ENTER ROXY ANN SHEKEI.SWORTH, MAUD S. TROTWEIvL AND BURLEIGH. 
 
 31 
 
MR. W. W. JOHNSTON 
 as Member of Chicago Society 
 
 Special Portraits 
 By Dana Hull 
 
 This photograph was taken in a residence with ordinary window 
 lighting. My new method enables me to make more artistic 
 pictures and truer likenesses in your own home than can be 
 secured in any studio. For particulars, write or telephone to my 
 office address, 1749 Marquette Building. Telephone Main 1171 
 No photographs taken in studio. 
 
 We Want Your 'Plione Order 
 Tel. Oakland 433 
 
 H. F. &f E. W. 
 
 EGGERS 
 
 Groceries 
 Meats 
 
 15.. 17.. 19 
 
 Forty- Seventh Street 
 Chicago 
 
 32 
 
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 Albert Roullier 
 
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 Moth Old and Modern Artists' Drawings, 
 
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 Picture Framing. 
 
 The Fine Arts Building 
 203 Michigan Boulevard 
 Suite 742 Chicago 
 
 Telephone Harrison 166 
 
 Sole Agent in Chicago for Frederick 
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THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 RoxY Ann. Good day, my friends. I've heard much of 
 your beautiful campus and its storied halls, and Fve traveled 
 far to see them, even from the Xong Shore Drive. 
 
 Bur. Yes, these ivy-grown monuments which have with- 
 stood the elements for forty quarters are well worth the journey. 
 But we students, living upon air, have, like your vehicle, 
 "that" pneumatic "tired feeling." 
 
 Rox. My heart bleeds for you. Tell me, please — do you 
 know ? — no, never mind. 
 
 Maud. What are you trying to pump out "of the good- 
 looker, Roxy dearest ? Please let him be ; I have an cnc on 
 that youth myself. 
 
 Rox. I was only going to ask him about Dick. 
 
 Maud. Mr. Wingold ? You've got Dick on the brain, 
 darling. I'll bet / wouldn't come looking for any man I had 
 thrown once. 
 
 Rox. Maud, I can't let you speak so. Mr. Wingold is 
 nothing to me. Oh, Dick, shall I see you, I wonder? It's 
 years since I refused you ; I was mad when I did it ! 
 
 Maud. So was he, to judge by his looks. Quit him, Roxy. 
 He was too learned, anyway. I don't like the kind of men 
 that never hold your hand except to feel your pulse. Let's 
 look about a bit. Isn't there anybody to show us the sights? 
 
 WiL. {Still supporti7ig Miss Withering' s head) Madam, 
 just follow the motion of my hand. These are Kelh', Beecher, 
 Green, Nancy Foster and Cobb. 
 
 Maud. ( Waking Miss Withering ) Let your husband get 
 up and show us about. 
 
 Reb. {Wrathjully)^\\'&hd.\\(P. Indeed! I don't know the brute. 
 
 WiL. ( Rising stiffly ) Show you about ! Can you think 
 of sightseeing when we are starving? 
 
 Rox. I must not delay. Hawkins, the hampers instantly. 
 Friends, I bring you good cheer. 
 
 Maud. {Aside) Unorganized charity, 
 
 Rox. Hasten and help to spread the feast while I explain. 
 
 {Stude7its gather around Hazvkins eagerly, and aid him in spread- 
 ing cloths on the ground and layitig plates.) 
 
 33 
 
NOTHING 
 
 ThatYouCan 
 
 get will please your wife 
 or sweetheart as much as 
 a suit of Nicoll's Famous 
 Striped Flannels. Every 
 
 A\v\ millionaire in the city has 
 a suit. We make them to 
 
 -^^"^ your order for $20 to $35 
 
 Cor. Clark & Adams Sts. 
 
 TAILOR 
 
 WHY DID THE BOYS CALL THELR GOAT PA7 ? 
 
 SANDS' 
 
 PURE CREAM 
 
 BUTTER 
 
 For Particular People's Tables 
 
 MR. W. W. JOHNSTON 
 (Portrait by Dana Hull) 
 
 FRESH, KRAGRAXr, I )Kl,ICIOL"S 
 
 BECAUSE HE WAS A LLTTLE BUTTER 
 
 34 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Solo: The Fair Philanthropist. Roxy Ann. 
 ( Air : " Rosalie." Words by M. C. ) 
 
 Oh, I'm Roxy Ann of the Drive — 'Long Shore Drive. 
 I come from our very svpell side — the East Side . 
 
 When I ride on my wheel or my automobile, 
 
 Oh, I tell you I'm something to see. 
 
 Oh, I've got the philanthropic fad; 
 It's the sweetest fad I've had. 
 What it means — don't ask me — 
 But I'm Queen of Philanthropy. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Oh, she's got the philanthropic fad ; 
 It's the sweetest fad she's had. 
 What it means she can't see — 
 But she's Queen of Philanthropy. 
 
 Oh, I heard of the awful despair — deep despair, 
 
 Of the hunger in this learning's lair — learning's lair. 
 
 With pure foods that seem quite strictly hygiene, 
 
 I come just like sweet Charity. 
 
 I frantically work in the slum — deep, dark slum ; 
 Quite fearlessly I go and come — go and come. 
 
 I carry bon-bons to the poor by the tons, 
 
 Oh, I'm wild on philanthropy. 
 
 On Saturdays when it is fair — when it's fair, 
 I've a girls' class in dressing the hair — fixing hair. 
 
 On Mondays the boys I teach to make toys, 
 
 Quite practical work, don't you see ? 
 
 Oh, the Charity act's here to stay, I should say; 
 For philanthrophy's awfully aicfait — quite au fait; 
 
 For all of our swells, the beaux and the belles. 
 
 Are twaddling of philanthropy. 
 
 {During the song Wiley ogles Roxy Ann I angui shingly. Win- 
 gold still stands aloof minotieed.) 
 
 Rox. {ope7iing the basket and distributing its contents) 
 Now for the feast. I have brought only a few simple things. 
 Here is pate de fois gras, and here diamond-back terrapin. 
 Perhaps some of yon will enjoy this canvas-back duck. Who 
 
 35 
 
Fast and Finely Equipped Trains 
 
 from CHICAGO via 
 
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 SOUTH 
 
 ST.LOUIS,MEMPHIS, 
 
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 DUBUQUE, 
 
 COUNCIL BLUFFS 
 
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 Buffet=Library=Smoking Cars, Pullman Sleeping 
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 ?et?var„s Chicago City Ticket Office ZA^eire^S: 
 
THE ACADEMIC A L C H E M I S '1 
 
 wants caviar? Or do you prefer anchovies? But here, Maud, 
 you take charge. I'm going to look about. 
 
 {Students bolt the food voraciously . Roxy Ann comes forward and 
 catches sight of Wingold.) 
 
 EXEUNT CHORUS. 
 
 DuET: Proposal and Rejection. Roxy Ann 
 
 AND Wingold. 
 
 (Air: " Long Years Ago ; " Patience. Words by M. C.) 
 
 Rox. Long years ago, beside the sea, 
 
 (I was a maid of sweet sixteen) 
 You swore you loved no one but me, 
 
 That naught our souls could come between! 
 I see that scene in all the glow, 
 The beauty rare of long ago. 
 Time, have you such sad changes wrought. 
 That all the past must be forgot? 
 Ah, can we not call back that time, 
 
 That day of love and joy. 
 When I was just your little maid. 
 
 And you were but a boy? 
 
 Win. Ah, old, old tale of moonlight night! 
 
 She is quite right, she is quite right: 
 She was my summer girl. 
 
 Rox. I hear the waves' low sigh again, 
 
 'Twas moonlight when you murmured then, 
 I was your summer girl. 
 
 VJn<i. {tragically) A.\&s\ the past must be forgot, 
 
 For Science is my mistress now. 
 And lone must be my lot! 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Rox. Ah, can they never come again ? 
 
 Win. Ah, they will never come again, 
 Both. Those happy day of Cupid's reign; 
 
 Rox, I — Amaryllis Ann, 
 
 Win. Sweet Amaryllis Ann — 
 Rox. He was my Daphnis swain! 
 
 Win. I was her Daphnis swain! 
 
 37 
 
Wool Soap 
 
 After hard exercise ot any 
 kind the pleasure of a bath 
 is much increased by the use 
 of Wo o 1 So a p, the purest 
 soap afloat. 
 
 Athletes in training will 
 appreciate its refreshing 
 effect. Sold by all dealers. 
 
 Made by SWIFT AND COMPANY 
 CHICAGO 
 
 MR. MELVIN E. COLEMAN 
 
 MR. STACY MOSSER 
 
 THE BEST 
 
 Is Always in Demand 
 
 
 THE 'BEST PROFESSORS 
 THE BEST UNIVERSITY 
 THE BEST -STU DENTS 
 
 THE B E S T T E A - M O N S C) O N 
 THE BEST COFFEE— RICHELIEU 
 THE BEST BAKING POWDER— RICHELIEU 
 THE BEST CANNED GOODS — RICHELIEU 
 THE BEST GROCERS SELL— RICHELIEU 
 
 38 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 REPEAT TO CHORUS. 
 
 Both. Ah, will they come ? No, never more. 
 
 It cannot be, love, as before. 
 Rox. I'm on the social wave; 
 
 Win. She's on the social wave; 
 
 Rox. I'm on the social sea^ 
 
 Win ■ Stern Science rules o'er me! 
 
 {Maud Jiirts desperately zvith Burleigh and Wiley during the song.) 
 
 Win. Miss Shekels worth, farewell. I return to the lab- 
 oratory to work for Science and the University. 
 
 EXIT WINGOLD. 
 
 Rox. {sadly) Come, Maud, we really must go. We've a 
 long journey before us and it may take us till midnight, if the 
 automobile gets tired. 
 
 Maud. All right, off we go. Won't you give me a cigar- 
 ette before I go, Mr. Mr. I didn't catch your name. 
 
 WiL. I am Dr. Wiley, Head Professor of Alchemy. 
 
 Maud. Dear me ! What's that? Don't forget the cigarette. 
 
 WiL. {Stammering) I don't smoke. 
 
 Maud. Don't smoke ! Are you all like that ? 
 
 WiL. I have a colleague that can smoke. 
 
 Maud. The wicked man ! Come on, Roxy, we " seen our 
 duty and we done it ! " 
 
 Rox. Yes, and they'll never suspect that the University 
 Settlement people recommended them to us as deserving objects 
 of charity ! 
 
 WiL. Allow me to accompany you. 
 
 EXEUNT ROXY ANN, MAUD, WILEY and BURIvEIGH. 
 
 ENTER SOCIETY GROUP Ott right, PRESIDENT DRIVER, RUNSITALL and 
 
 MISS CLATTERING OH left. MUSIC. 
 
 Mrs. Headway, {looking about through her lorgnette) Ah, 
 these must be some of the poor destitutes. {Approaching Bur- 
 leigh and ofiering a card.) My good man, this ticket entitles 
 you to a nice bowl of hot soup at 23 West Went worth St. By 
 taking five lines of cars you can get there very conveniently. 
 
 Mrs. Brnison. {Offering Pres. Driver a battered silk hat) 
 
 39 
 
5vJ 5 
 
 M. H. 
 
 McCarthy 
 
 MR. RALPH HA.MII.L MR. HENRY GALE 
 
 MR. RALPH WEBSTER 
 
 as Members of the 400 
 
 Formerly 120 Dearborn Street. 
 
 Merchant 
 Tailor 
 
 Begs to announce that he 
 has removed to 
 
 I I 5 Monroe Street 
 Montauk 
 Block 
 
 Second Floor 
 
 The Man and the Bear 
 
 There is a story of a hunter who, despising the bears 
 of his own country, travelled far away to have a good 
 hunt. When he arrived at his destination he found 
 that the bears of his own country were big enough to 
 eat up two of the bears that he had come so far to bag. 
 Don't be like the man who wanted bears. WE can 
 fit you out with as fine electrical supplies as can the 
 Eastern Houses, and we can do it cheaper, too. Any- 
 thing dainty or novel in the electrical line.? We have it. 
 
 Call and See Us. We're always "at hoa\e." 
 
 CENTRAL ELECTRIC CO. 
 
 64-270 FIFTH AVE. 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 40 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 My poor man, here's a hat for you. It may be a trifle small — 
 but it's very little worn. 
 
 Driv. Thank you. May I mention the fact that I have 
 not eaten anything for twenty-four hours ? I never ask for 
 food, but simply call attention to opportunities. 
 
 Van Smirkle. {To Miss Withering) Awfully sorry, 
 don't you know, to hear of this fearful destitution. Here's a 
 pass to a woodyard where they'll give you lodging and break- 
 fast for sawing a cord of wood. 
 
 ENTER hastily braymore beli^ows, collapsed and breathless, 
 
 Bel. Punctured by an Illinois Central turnstile ! 
 {RtDisitall repairs hiui zvith a plaster and Inirries him off.) 
 
 Mrs. Headway. How inspiring it must be to these poor 
 creatures to see a group of the "best people ! " | 
 
 il 
 
 Octette. Song of Prosperity. 
 (Air: "Oh I Love Society.") 
 
 We are people of high degree, 
 
 Rich as people could wish to be. 
 
 Ours are palaces fit for kings, 
 
 Filled with countless expensive things. 
 
 Stately flunkeys attend our call; 
 
 Cooks and maids — we have dozens in all. 
 
 When abroad we would take the air, 
 
 Lo, a carriage and pair. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 Oh! We are Society! 
 High Society! Rich Society! 
 Yet do we deign now and then to give 
 Charity, so that the poor may live. 
 
 By "conspicuous waste" we know 
 How our power and wealth to show. 
 Silks and satins and laces rare, 
 All the jewels that women wear, 
 Yachts and horses that please the men — 
 These belong to the Upper Ten. 
 Since we spend with a lavish hand 
 We are great in the land. 
 
 41 
 
Chicago e^NORTH WESTERN railway 
 
 CSTP.M&ORy 
 F.E&MY.R.R. 
 
 AND 
 
 S.C&RRR 
 
 The Pioneer Line West and Northwest of Chicago 
 
 6 FAST TRAINS 
 
 The Overland Limited 
 
 California in 3 days 
 
 every evening 
 
 The Colorado Special 
 
 One night to Denver 
 
 every morning 
 
 The Chicago-Portland Special 
 
 Oregon and Washington in 3 days 
 
 every evening 
 
 The North -Western Limited 
 
 Electric Lighted — Chicago, St. Paul 
 and Minneapolis every evening 
 
 Duluth and St. Paul Fast Mail 
 
 Fast train to the head of the lakes 
 
 every night 
 
 The Peninsula Express 
 
 Fast time to Marquette and Copper 
 Country Jevery night 
 
 THE BEST OE EVERYTHING 
 
 H. R. McCULLOUGH 
 3d Vice-President 
 
 W. A.GARDNER 
 
 General ISIanager 
 CHICAGO, ILL. 
 
 W. B. KNISKERN 
 Gen. Pass. <5^Tkt.Agt. 
 
 42 
 
 The Gvmnasium at the Settlement 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Now, you destitute classes, hear: 
 Social science has made us fear. 
 Thrift, economy you forget; 
 Sometimes even you fall in debt. 
 Hence the prizes of life you miss; 
 Hence comes misery such as this. 
 Cure these habits, or things you'll find 
 Less and less to your mind. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Oh! We are Society! 
 
 High Society! Rich Society! 
 
 Yet do we deign now and then to give 
 
 Counsel to Poverty how to live. 
 
 Mrs. Ben. President Driver, I want to speak to you. 
 [PresideJtt groans.) Won*t you come to my reception to- 
 morrow, and bring a list of your ten favorite foods? Rev. Mr. 
 Rorer is going to lecture on "Cookery from Browning to Burne- 
 Jones. " 
 
 ENTER WINGOLD, BURLEIGH and STUDENT. 
 
 Solo: Song of Triumph. Wingold. 
 (Air: "Refrain, Audacious Tar;" Pinafore. Words by F.J. AI.) 
 
 Hurray, hurray, hurray! 
 
 Be happy-hearted! 
 Dull care from you today 
 
 Is wholly parted. 
 
 Bail out each tearful eye 
 
 Where woe was lurking; 
 Be joyful now, for my 
 
 Machine is working! 
 
 {Burleigh and other students ncsh off and drag in a machine. 
 Wingold opens the throttle and large gold bricks drop out of the chute. 
 Wiley shakes his fist over his head and pushes his way through the 
 crowd. ) 
 
 Dri\'. ( Holding a brick in each hand) And I never asked 
 for them ! 
 
 43 
 
c. p. 
 
 Kimball & Co. 
 
 MR. PERRY J. PAYNE 
 as Uriah Wiley. 
 
 Over 
 
 One Hundred 
 
 New and 
 Stylish 
 
 Slimmer 
 Carriages 
 
 In Exquisite 
 Designs, Perfect 
 Workmanship and 
 Moderate Prices 
 
 P. KIMBALL 
 & CO. 
 
 315,^16,317 Michigan 
 Avenue ...CHICAGO 
 
 CUTLERY 
 
 We Invite Especial Attention to this 
 department with over 1,000 patterns of 
 Pocket Knives, Razors, Carvers, Table 
 Cutlery, Scissors, Shears, Ladies' Cut- 
 lery, Cases and Manicure Instruments. 
 
 Pocket Knives from 10 cents i-blade to Joseph Rogers 
 \" Sons' finest 4-hlade silver-mounted knife at $8.50. 
 Combination Knives from $1.00 to a ])earl handle i to 
 17 blades and tools, knife at $8.50. Razors, from a 
 40-cent Wade & Butcher to an ivorv haft, gold etched 
 blade at $3.50. Star Safety Razors,"$i.25. Le Coultre 
 Razors, with i to 7 detachable blades. Carvers from 
 Si. 25 to the finest damascene blade at $25.00 per pair. 
 Shears from 35 cents up. Scissors from 10 cents to $1 .20 
 Many novelties in table cutlery. 
 
 "ALA.SKA" and "STAR" 
 
 Refrigerators, Zinc, White, Enameled and 
 
 Porcelain, Tile Lined, at 
 
 $5.95 to $121.00 
 
 "MAJESTIC" 
 
 Malleable Iron and Steel Ranges. 
 
 Best in the world. 
 
 ORR & LOCKETT 
 HARDWARE CO. 
 
 7 1 i!t 73 Randolph St. 
 
 Announcement. . . 
 
 Hall & Pauly 
 
 T.MI.ORS 
 
 Room 2 I o 
 
 167 Dearborn St. 
 
 Mr. J. B. Hall, 
 
 long and favorably known in Tailor- 
 ing Trade in Chicago, begs to inform 
 his old friends and patrons that he 
 has formed a partnership with Mr. 
 Harry W. Pauly (late cutter for C. S. 
 McMillen), at room 2 lo, 167 Dearborn 
 Street, Old Stock Exchange Building, 
 where we, will be pleased to show 
 them the latest styles and patterns in 
 
 Su?Jimer Goods 
 
 for stylish and well made garments, 
 at moderate prices. 
 
 44 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMISl 
 
 Grand Final Chorus. 
 (Air : Patience. Words by F. J. M.) 
 
 Hurrah for us ! Great joy for us ! 
 Here's gold without alloy for us ! 
 Our Wingold is the boy for us ! 
 
 Hard times have fled away ! 
 Hurrah for us ! Great joy for us ! 
 Here's gold without alloy for us ! 
 Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 
 
 Chicago wins the day ! 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 MK MEI.VIN E.COLEMAN 
 
 MR. STACY C. MOSSER 
 
 45 
 
CONTRIBUTORS to the SETTLEMENT FUND 
 
 Mr. F. M. Atwood 
 Auditorium Pharmacy Co. 
 Mrs. Geo. P. Bent 
 Mr. J. C. Beam, Jr. 
 J. Harlej' Bradley 
 Borden's Condensed Milk Co. 
 Bowman Dairy Co. 
 Burley & Company 
 Mrs. Harriet Brainard 
 The Berkshire Life Ins. Co. 
 Brazil Block Coal Co. 
 Mr. Clarence Buckingham 
 Mrs. Alfred Baker 
 Miss Annice B. Butts 
 Mr. J. Harley Bradley 
 Mr. W. Barsaloux 
 Carson, Pirie, vScott & Co. 
 Chicago Beach Hotel 
 John Conrad & Co. 
 Cutter & Crossette 
 C. & N. W. Ry. 
 Commonwealth Electric Co. 
 Mr. J. J. Coffey 
 Chicago Telephone Co. 
 The Consumers Company 
 Central Electric Co. 
 Cluett, Peabody & Co. 
 Mr. John A. Cole 
 Chicago Woman's Club 
 Chautauqua Assembly 
 Mr. E. R. DeTamble 
 Mr. P. DeTamble 
 Mr. E. C. Dyer 
 Mr. Ernest W. Eggers 
 Electric Appliance Co. 
 Earl & Wilson 
 Mr. E. D. Ellis 
 Mr. Livingston Fargo 
 The Frances Shinier Academy 
 Wm. Gnis & Sou 
 Grand Trunk Ry. 
 Goodrich Transportation Co. 
 Mr. S. E. Gross 
 Mr. David Gamble 
 Mr. W. C. Hollister 
 Mr. F. C. Hollister 
 N. W. Harris & Co. 
 Hall & Pauly 
 Mr. Chas L. Hutchinson 
 Mr. S. H. Hurd 
 Illinois Central Ry. 
 Illinois Electric Vehicle Trans- 
 portation Co. 
 Mr. W. G. Jerreuis, Jr 
 Mr. J. H. Kintz 
 C. P. Kimball & Co. 
 Mr. O. S. Lyford 
 Lewis Institute 
 
 Libby, McNiell & Libby 
 
 Lapp S: Flershem 
 
 Library Bureau 
 
 Mr. John R. Lindgren 
 
 Mr. J. L. Laughlin 
 
 Lookout Clul) 
 
 Mr. Andrew McAdams 
 
 McKeown Brothers 
 
 Nelson Morris & Company 
 
 Morrisson, Plummer & Co. 
 
 Franklin MacVeagh & Co. 
 
 Mr. M. H. McCarthy 
 
 Morgan Park Academy 
 
 Mr. Fred N. Mathews 
 
 Mr. C. B. Niblock 
 
 Newberger & DeBrovy 
 
 Orr & Lockett Hardware Co. 
 
 Pitkin & Brooks 
 
 Dr. N. A. Pennoyer 
 
 Prosch & Newman 
 
 Mrs. Chas. Pope 
 
 Dr. Norval Pierce 
 
 Queen ^: Crescent Ry. 
 
 Mr. Albert Roullier 
 
 Rowe Brothers 
 
 Miss M. Rice 
 
 W. L. Robinson & Co. 
 
 Mr. C. L. Ricketts 
 
 Miss Sara Reidy 
 
 Mr. Dan Riordan 
 
 Mr. W. S. Ransome 
 
 Mrs. Helen E. Starrett 
 
 Mr. Orson Smith 
 
 J. B. Stetson University 
 
 Swift & Company 
 
 Mrs. B C. Strehi 
 
 O. Sands Company 
 
 Southern Ry. 
 
 Stamsen & Blome 
 
 Scott, Fort-sman & Co. 
 
 Mr. M. Strasberger 
 
 Sprague, Warner & Co. 
 
 Mr. .-Arthur Smith 
 
 Mrs. Geo. Sturges 
 
 Miss Clara Sturges 
 
 Miss Helen Sturges 
 
 Mrs. Geo. Seaverns, Jr. 
 
 Service Club 
 
 Mr. J. C. Vaughan 
 
 Mr. Alfred Williams 
 
 Mr. A. L. Weil 
 
 O. T. Wall .<c Co 
 
 Woods Motor Vehicle Co. 
 
 Mr. Franklin Wvman 
 
 T. W. Wiimarth'Co. 
 
 Mr. R. J. W^alshe 
 
 H. Zei.ss cv. Compau}- 
 
 46 
 
THE ACADEMIC A L C H E i\r I S 1" 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Scene: Interior of the new University Commons. Waiters are hurrying 
 to and fro. Guests arrive and pass into banquet halt. Drinking songs are 
 heard from an inner apartment. 
 
 ENTER FOUR STUDENTS. 
 
 Quartette. 
 
 ENTER wiNGOLD, BURLEIGH and others. 
 
 Win. Wonderful is science. Thanks to my invention, 
 we are on the crest of the wave. But alas! what a change for 
 the rest of Chicago. The banks are closed, bonds and stocks 
 worthless, and our friends of Michirie Avenue are penniless. I 
 fear I put too much gold on the market at once. However, I 
 want to show you my latest invention. It may amuse you. 
 Harry, bring on the Anthropomorphic Automata. 
 
 {^Burleigh and a?i assistant bring in two marionettes, which are 
 fastened to imaginary wires let doivn from the flies ^ 
 
 DUET: AUT0]MAT0N PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 (Air: "Tarara Boom Deay." Words by J. W. L.) 
 
 Hello, here we are again, 
 
 Born from Wingold's fertile brain. 
 
 Though we leap as if in pain, 
 
 Really we enjoy the game. 
 
 We can laugh: ha-ha, hurrah! i 
 
 When the proper string they draw. 
 
 Such a sight you never saw — 
 
 Wingold's new Automata! 
 
 You may think us very queer, 
 Yet our like are far and near. 
 They who walk while others steer 
 Make a mighty host, we fear. 
 Politics, religion — bah! 
 All are full of men of straw. 
 Whom we'claim as kin-in-law — 
 Wingold's new Automata! 
 
 47 
 
The Chicago Beach Hotel 
 
 Fiftv-tirst Street Boulevard &^ Lake Shore 
 
 i |»»^...^: 
 
 ■ -ii- '''' -- ^h:!^^'^ ' ^^ ''--- 
 
 A High-Class Residential and Transient Hotel. Located in 
 the heart of the fine residence district. Conducted in a 
 manner to attract the best patronage. The most comfortable 
 abiding place the year round in Chicago. Away from dirt and 
 noise. Warm in winter. Cool in summer. 450 large rooms. 
 All outside. No courts. Furnished throughout in mahogany. 
 220 Private Bathrooms. Illinois Central Express 
 Suburban trains every 10 minutes. 7 minutes to 
 Van Buren Street. Inspection invited. If de- 
 sired representative will call with diagram and 
 rates. 
 
 SEXD FOR HA XD SO ME 
 BOOKLET 
 
 48 
 
 MR. PERRY J. PAVNK 
 
 in The Deceitful Dean 
 
IHE ACADEMIC A L C II 1. M I S I 
 
 If you think our statements flat, 
 Think we don't know where we're at, 
 Ask INIark Hanua, Croker, Piatt, 
 Whether there is truth in that. 
 Laugh, my friends, ha-ha, ha ha. 
 Yet the statement holds no flaw; 
 You are mostly kin-in-law 
 To us poor automata! 
 
 ENTER WILEY. 
 
 WiL. {aside) A few more hours and I shall humiliate this 
 young upstart. 
 
 Win. I wish those poor society people might share our 
 pleasures. I am haunted by the thought of their misfortunes. 
 Why, the other night at the opera it was simply pathetic to see 
 them peering from the top gallery. 
 
 Student. Well, opera is a luxury you can get along with- 
 out ; but just think of their not having a golf course to their 
 name. 
 
 Win. That's right. The University Golf Trust bought 
 up the Onwentsia course for six gold bricks last week. Now it 
 controls them all. 
 
 Student. The Faculty and students have gone wild over the 
 game! Have you seen Mr. Runsitall in his imported golf suit ? 
 
 Win. Hush, the famous putter approaches. 
 
 ENTER RUNSITALL and KATIE CLATTERING ifi automobile. 
 
 Solo: The Golfer's Song. Runsitall. 
 
 (x\ir: "Duncan (kay." Words by A. S.) 
 
 Golfs the game at the U. of C. 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The playing o't. 
 From president to freshman wee 
 
 They're all playing o't. 
 Deans and janitors to boot 
 Mak' the links their only route, 
 Miss the ball and then yell — Hoot! 
 
 Ha! Ha! The playing o't. 
 
 49 
 
Hotel 
 Del Prado 
 
 E. C. DVER 
 Proprietor 
 
 Fifty-Ninth Street 
 
 and Washington Avenue 
 
 on the 
 
 Midway Plaisance 
 
 Chica^'o 
 
 Three blocks from 
 the University 
 
 «^- 
 
 MANUAL TRAINING CLASS 
 at The Settlement 
 
 50 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Lab'ratories are supplied — 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The teaching o't — 
 Wi' caddies, cleeks and bunkers wide. 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The teaching o't. 
 Golfing wrinkles by the score, 
 Putting taught in seminar. 
 Pupils flock from near and far. 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The teaching o't. 
 
 Standing, good and ill, 's abolished. 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The scoring o't. 
 Flunk's a word we think unpolished, 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The scoring o't. 
 Drives are A, and brassey shots 
 B, and sliced ones C, and lots 
 Topped or foozled mar with blots 
 
 Gurney's scoriug sheet. 
 
 From one vice we're still exempt. 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The swearing o't. 
 No rivalry our tongues attempt. 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The swearing o't. 
 When low grades the deans impel 
 Athletes to debar — Ah, well 
 We resist and don't say 
 
 Ha ! Ha ! The swearing o't. 
 
 EXEUNT RUNSITALL afld MISS CLATTERING. 
 ENTER FOUR CADDIES. 
 
 ( They dance forward and take places, two right and two left.') 
 
 ENTER TWELVE GOLF GIRLS. 
 
 ( They dance zvhilc the chorus sings.') 
 
 Golf Chorus. 
 
 (Air: Faust Waltz. Words by J. W. L.) 
 
 ENTER PREMIERE DANSEUSE. 
 
 {^Pas Seul by the Premiere Danseuse.) 
 
 ENTER PRESIDENT DRIVER. 
 
 Chorus: " H e Is O ur Preside nt." 
 (Air: " He is an Englishman ; " Pinafore.) 
 
 ENTER MRS. HEADWAY, MRS. BENISON, MR. VAN SMIRKLE, and OTHER 
 
 SOCIETY PEOPLE. 
 
 {They are i7i evident distress. They carry baskets on their arms, 
 and look at the company with longing glances.) 
 
 51 
 
Call an Electric Cab 
 
 Harrison 1939 
 
 ALL society people are using our 
 electric cabs. Obtain a license 
 and operate our open summer 
 V'^ictorias, Stanhopes, Runabouts and Sur- 
 reys. Form an automobile party. 
 Rates for summer vehicles upon appli- 
 cation. Special monthly contracts made 
 for both cabs and pleasure vehicles. 
 
 .MR. FRANZ AXDKRSON 
 as Martin Dooley in 
 The Deceitful Dean 
 
 CAl! RATES 
 
 HANSOMS :: HRorc.HA.M.s :: CARRIAGES 
 
 First two miles or less 
 Each additional mile 
 
 TWO PEOPLE FOl'K PEOPLE 
 
 .50 Si. GO 
 
 .2^ .^O 
 
 HV rilK llnrR 
 
 Shoj)ping and calling Si.oo 
 
 Park and pleasure 1. 50 
 
 «i.50 
 2.00 
 
 OI'FICKS AND STATIONS 
 
 South Sidi 
 
 4612 Cottage Grove Ave. 
 
 Tel. Oakland 5^5 
 
 52 
 
 Siiulh Town Xortli Side 
 
 172 Michigan Ave. 283 North State Street 
 
 I'el. Harrison i.^vj I'el. North S07 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Mrs, Head. President Driver, will you not take pity 
 on the destitute ? 
 
 Driv. Madam, I must refer you to the professor who makes 
 a specialty of the dependent, defective and delinquent classes. 
 He will help you to help yourselves. 
 
 Chorus: The Students' Revenge. 
 (Air: "Oh, I Love Society.") 
 
 We were recently down in luck, 
 In the slough of despond were stuck. 
 Then the people of high degree, 
 Rich as people could wish to be, 
 Preached us sermons about our sin; 
 Told how shiftless we must have been. 
 Now 'tis they who are minus gold; 
 We have riches untold. 
 
 Oh! our University! 
 Unapproachable University! 
 All of her troubles have passed away ; 
 Prosperous fortune has come to stay. 
 
 All their pride is abased to dust. 
 Hunger drives them to beg a crust. 
 We have everything students seek: 
 Balls and parties, yes, six a week; 
 For athletics a thousandfold 
 What we had in the days of old; 
 Commons where at the rate we pay 
 Of a dollar a day. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 If you ask for the reason why, 
 It is easy to make reply. 
 That which ended for yood our woe 
 Wasn't practicing virtues slow; 
 Science, Science has set us free, 
 Raised us high in prosperity. 
 Incidentally she has brought 
 Many others to naught. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 53 
 
^4| 
 
 r, Ji ^^ ^ 
 
 <f- 
 
 Grosvenor, Lapham & Co. 
 
 Manufacturers' Agents for 
 
 *^ 
 
 P^ i 
 
 A. B. Chase Pianos 
 
 Fifth Floor 
 The Fine Arts Building 
 
 s 
 
 ETTLEMENT CHILDREN 
 ft 
 
 202-207 Michigan Boulevard 
 
 Fine Tuning Telephone 
 a Specialty Harrison 2468 
 
 
 Chicago Latin School 
 
 
 Tlje University School 
 
 
 For BOYS 
 
 
 For BOYS 
 
 
 PRIMARY and COLLEGE 
 
 I'RE PARES FOR ALL THE 
 
 
 PREPARATORY 
 
 
 LEADING COLLEGES 
 
 
 New Hiiilding 
 
 
 
 
 561 N. Division Street 
 
 
 DeAKKOKN AVENIJE 
 
 Corner Elm 
 
 Makers of COLLEGIATE CAPS 
 GOWNS AND HOODS 
 
 RENTING OF 
 
 Caps and Gowns 
 
 A SPECIALTY 
 
 CLASS HATS &' CAPS &• CLASS CANES 
 
 College Flags, Class and College Pins 
 
 W.C. Kern&Co/-'J„^. 
 
 41 1 E. Fifty-seventh St. 
 
 CAGO, ILL. 
 
 54 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Mrs. Ben. How heartless these University people are ! 
 Think of our once princely citizens being forced to begin again 
 at the bottom of the ladder ! 
 
 Van S. Too true. I saw Campus Martins, P. D. Q. Pack- 
 ingham, H. H. Kartoffelsalat and Hautboy Redfern- Red fern 
 at the kitchen door as I came in. 
 
 ENTER CAMPUS MARTIUS, P. D. O. PACKINGHAM, H. H. KARTOFFELSALAT and 
 HAUTBOY REDFERN-REDFERN. 
 
 ( They offer their ivares to the company and finally approach the 
 President, Jostling each other.) 
 
 Martius. {Eagerly) President Driver, may I set up a 
 little notion-stand in Nancy Foster Hall ? Til give credit until 
 the fifteenth of the month, 
 
 Packingham. Won't you give me the tamale contract 
 for the Commons ? 
 
 KarTOFFELS.^lat. Why don't you try the experiment of 
 having The University Record and the Annual Register 
 edited ? Pd like the job. 
 
 Redfern-Redfern. Excelentissimo Presidente de la Uni- 
 versidad, — servidor de usted. Tengo el honor de presentarle 
 una recommendacion de mi muy amiga, la Infanta Eulalia. 
 Deseo, seiior, enseiiar la danza — , a los pies de usted, seiior. 
 
 Runs. [Translating) This don wants to teach dancing 
 and deportment to the Faculty class at the Quadrangle Club. 
 
 Driv. Say to the gentlemen [that this direct method is 
 very offensive. They will recall the fact that I never used to 
 ask them for anything; I merely mentioned — Let them file their 
 applications, 
 
 EXEUNT THE FOUR MENDICANTS AND CHORUS. 
 ENTER THREE STRANGERS. 
 
 Runs. President Driver, here are President Sadams, 
 President Drooper and Professor Pat N. Gill, 
 
 {The three advance humbly a7id si7ig.) 
 
 55 
 

 MR. C. M. HOAC.LAND 
 as Signoriiia (liiatrice 
 
 OUTINCx, edited by 
 CASPAR WHITNEY 
 
 is the onl\- magazine devoted 
 
 ^ to amateur sport and travel. The 
 
 National Authority on Inter- 
 collegiate Athletics. Pre-eminentlv 
 the publication for the College Man — 
 both the undergraduate and the Alumnus 
 
 Caspak Whitney, ;: :: :: :: :: President and Editor 
 Robert Bacon, :; :: :: :: :: :: :: Vice-President 
 
 I'll II 111 i: TI\i,iri. Secretary and Treasurer 
 
 A 1)V I SOR V P. OA R i) 
 
 C C. Ci VLKR S. Rkai)in(; P>i;htkon S. K. Houston D. M. Goodrich 
 
 Charles Hod(;man Walthr Camp 'I". I). M. Cardkza 
 
 OUTING PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 239 Fifth Ave.. New York 
 
 56 
 
THE A C A D E .^f I C ALCHEMIST 
 
 Trio: "Song of the Penitent Pilgrims 
 
 (Air : "The Bowery." Words by J. W. L.) 
 
 I am the chief of Wisconsin U. 
 
 I know much more than I formerly knew. 
 
 Once I was guilty of blow and brag, 
 
 Thought that I held the whole West in a bag. 
 
 So in my careless and confident way, 
 
 I said to my friend Mr. Pat O'Dea, 
 
 •'Why don't you challenge Chicago to play? " , 
 
 I'll never do that any more ! 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Oh Chicago, Chicago, we thought Chicago an easy prey, 
 Chicago, Chicago — We'll never think that any more. 
 
 I was the froggy who got in a box. 
 By thinking that he was as big as an ox. 
 I entered a trio to manage football. 
 Then shifted my diet to wormwood and gall. 
 First Indiana and then Notre Dame, 
 And then many others I've not time to name, 
 Showed me how little I knew of the game; 
 And I'll never swell up any more ! 
 CHORU.S. 
 
 Pat N. Gill I, from the U. of M., 
 Rather ashamed to be seen with them. 
 But what could I do when we couldn't win, 
 But get up a council to gobble the tin ? 
 Now I'm as sorry as I can be ; 
 Please, Dr. Driver, be good to me ; 
 Let us come back to the U. of C, 
 And we'll never get mad any more ! 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, these are our woes, 
 
 Never been equaled, as we suppose. 
 
 This is the fable that we have told, 
 
 And here is the moral in letters of gold : 
 
 A lion asleep is a peaceful sight ; 
 
 Even a lady would not take fright ; 
 
 But do not wake him, because he may bite ! 
 
 We'll never do that any more ! 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 57 
 
DIRECTORY 
 
 i) F T H ]-: L E A D I X G 
 
 South Side Laundries 
 
 MR.C. M.HOAGLAND 
 as Premiere Danseuse 
 (Portrait by Dana HulU 
 
 MADISON AVE. LAUNDRY 
 
 6018 to 6024 Madison Ave. 
 
 Telephone Drexel 541 1 
 
 ^ CLEAVER'S LAUNDRY 
 
 103 E. 38th Street 
 
 Telephone Drexel 6631 
 
 IDEAL LAUNDRY 
 
 687 E. 43d Street 
 
 Telephone Drexel 6632 
 
 BREWSTER LAUNDRY 
 
 (Engiewood) 637 W. 63d Street 
 
 Telephone Wentworth 5S1 
 
 SW^ISS LAUNDRY 
 
 \2 E, 31st Street 
 
 Telephone South 643 
 
 A Postal or telephone call to any of the alnwe laun- 
 dries ivill receive prompt atte/itiofi and insure you 
 the best of work at the most reasonable prices. 
 SPECIAL RATES on Bed and Table Linen. 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 Sadams. President Driver, how about affiliation for Wiscon- 
 sin ? In comparison with our present destitution we were flush 
 after last year's game. 
 
 Drooper. President Driver, won't you affiliate Illinois? 
 Our Champaign is extra dry, but not yet Munnn. 
 
 GiivL. How about annexing Michigan? It takes more 
 than one Angell to make a Heaven. 
 
 Driv. I note the absence of your honored President. I 
 know that he thinks athletic squabbles are infra dig. But, 
 gentlemen, are these questions put to me in a friendly and off- 
 hand manner, or are they addressed to me in my — shall I say ? — 
 my official capacity as President of The University of Chicago ? 
 
 The Three. (/« chorus) In your official capacity. 
 
 {^President rises. Secretary deliberately taJics the Presidenf s gown 
 out of a bag a7id helps liim iiito it.) 
 
 Driv. I am now ready to speak in my official capacity. 
 I would say that the University has many more affiliated schools 
 than she knows how to manage. Harvard has been on our 
 waiting list for the past six years and must receive our first 
 attention. Now that the opportunity offers for me to speak 
 officially, I would say, in behalf of our University, that we can- 
 not afford to divide with you our revenues or to offer you any 
 guarantee. Mr. Runsitall, show the gentlemen out. 
 
 ( T/ie Pilgrims protest and refuse to go. Runsitall blozvs a whistle.) 
 
 ENTER TWO POIvICEMEN. 
 
 Duet : Policemen's Song. 
 
 Driv. Friends, since the University has come into circum- 
 stances so much more suited to our comfort, we have — shall I 
 say? — regenerated the political life of the city. We have recon- 
 sidered the action to make the mayoralty a hereditary office ; 
 we have dug a drainage canal through the City Council; by 
 establishing oil as the only legal fuel, we have done away with 
 the smoke nuisance ; and finally we have cleared all streets. 
 May I have the pleasure of introducing our latest acquisition, 
 Dean Sophia Soaper and the street Brigade ! 
 
 59 
 
A 
 
 S H H VI LLH, North Carolina 
 
 AMERICA'S GREATEST A 11- the -Year -Round RESORT 
 
 Rrsi.lcll. r .if Will. II. \.lll.lrrlMll. Aslu vill.-, N, T.. ill th, I 
 
 SOUTHERN RAILWAY 
 
 W. A. Turk, C. P. A.,W,ishini,'ton, D.C. WM. H. TAYLOE, A. G. P. A , L.iiiisx iUc, K y. 
 
 I.e. Beam.Jr., N'. VV.P. A.,a25 Dearliorn St., Cliicasr.i 
 
 T.stainished tS6r,. 
 
 Stamsen & Blome, 
 
 HIGH GRADE 
 
 CEMENT WALKS 
 
 Every Branch of Concrete Construction, 
 Bank Floor, Unity Bldg. 
 
 CHICAGO. 
 
 HAIR 
 
 SARA 
 REIDY 
 
 Hair Diessins; 
 I IlK I.ATK.sr Shampooing' 
 
 racial Massage 
 1 r/1 i- r-> J. J Scalp Treatment 
 
 A LOS PompiuUmr Hair Goods of every 
 
 ilescription. All the 
 
 ., latest Parisian styles. 
 
 28 Washington St. Tortoise shell combs 
 l'>et. State St. X: Wahn<;h .'\ve. and novelties. 
 
 THi: I'.Ai.i.Kr 
 
THE AC.lDEJflC ALCHEMIST 
 
 ENTER SIXTEEN STREET SWEEPERS. 
 
 {They march to the music of " The Man Behind the Gun.'") 
 
 EXEUNT OMNES. 
 ENTER ROXY ANN AND MAUD. 
 
 Rox. Oh, Maud, I'm so frightened. I'm sure I can never 
 sing among strangers. 
 
 Maud. Nonsense. Of course you can. We can't starve. 
 Have a try at it while we're alone. 
 
 {Roxy advances and sings.) 
 
 Solo: "Flowers, Flowers, Dripping 
 With Dew." Roxy AxNn. 
 
 ENTER WINGOLD. 
 
 W^ix. Roxy, at last ! I have sought you everywhere. Share 
 my vi^ealth and fame. 
 
 Rox. ]Mr. Wingold, it cannot be. I am a poor flower girl, 
 but I will not be an object of charity. 
 
 { They advance and sing.) 
 
 Duet : Proposal and R e j e c t i o n. 
 Roxv Ann and Wingold. 
 
 (Air: "Long Years Ago;" Patience. Words by M. C.) 
 
 W'iN. Long years ago, when I was young, 
 
 I told a tale of love to you; 
 Out on the beach my passion sung, 
 
 As summer lovers always do. 
 Again I come in manhood's prime, 
 
 To pray once more you will be mine. 
 I now can offer with myself 
 
 Position and a heap of wealth. 
 I care not, love, what may betide, 
 
 If you will be my bride. 
 
 Rox. [Aside) Oh, love and pity are akin, 
 I only can his pity win. 
 He only pities me. 
 
 Win. Ah, do be kind, — don't say me nay — 
 
 Be lenient, pray, and only say, 
 That you will be my bride ! 
 
 6i 
 
Weil 
 
 Ladies' Tailor and Furrier 
 
 238, 239, 240 Michigan Boulevard, Chicago 
 
 Established 1S70 :: :: Telephone Main y,'74 
 
 ■' VAUGH ANS' Seeds are the best 
 
 Wholesale and Retail Store 
 
 84 Randolph Street 
 
 Sl'.KIGLIA I\rr;Tii(i[) 
 
 Mr. Alfred Williams 
 
 TEACHER OF THE VOICE 
 624 Fine Arts Building, Chicago 
 
 [ i 
 
 MR. CHARLES HOAGLAND 
 the Premiere Danseuse 
 
 McKeown Brothers 
 
 CARPENTERS 
 <^ BUILDERS 
 
 Phone Drexel 7041 
 
 494-496 East Forty-Seventh St. 
 
 Miss M. Rice 
 
 Ladies'' Goivtis 
 
 Til-Til Marshall Field liuilding 
 
 Children's &" Misses' 
 
 Dre.s.ses and Coats Cmc 
 
 Distributors of 
 
 PURE COUNTRY MILK 
 
 Manufacturers of 
 CREAMERY BUTTER 
 
 BOWMAN DAIRY 
 COMPANY 
 
 John Conrad & Co. 
 
 Kenwood Pharmacy 
 23 E. 47th .St., Cor. l,ake Ave. 
 
 Vou will enjoy our Ice Cream Soda served 
 in the .Soda Room 
 
 62 
 
 O. T. WALL 
 
 E. G. LANGFORl) 
 
 O. T. WALL & CO. 
 
 Staple and Fancy Groceries 
 
 Choice Cuts of Meats 
 Fish, Poultry, Oysters and Came in season 
 
 433-44' li- Sixty-Third St. 
 Tel. Oakland No. 2 
 
THE ACADEMIC A L C H E Jf I S T 
 
 Rox. I realize the rarity, 
 
 Of this your Christian charity — 
 Yet this can never be! 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Both. Ah, love is proud, as love can be — 
 
 Can't be bought with a golden fee, 
 Cupid's blind and will not see 
 Outstretched hand of Charity ! 
 
 ENTER DRIVER, WILEY AND CHORUS. 
 
 WiL. {Stealthily^ at one side) The hour of my revenge 
 approaches. 
 
 ENTER MESSENGER. 
 
 {He hands a large official envelope to President Driver^ who gives 
 it to Runsitall to read.) 
 
 Runs. {Reading) 
 
 To Dr. William Brainy Driver, 
 
 President of The University of Chicago. 
 Great and Good Friend : 
 
 I, William McKingly I., President of the United States of 
 America (possibly including the Philippines and Porto Rico) 
 send greeting and announce that, accompanied by a military 
 and naval escort, I am now approaching your world-famous in- 
 stitution. I earnestly solicit an audience at noon tomorrow. 
 
 (Signed) William McKingly I. 
 
 Jack Straw, Secretary of State. 
 
 Driv. {wildly excited) Where is the Head IMarshal ? Send 
 him to me immediately. Send me the leader of the Band, and 
 have the Faculties and the Officers of the Student Council and 
 the Student Board of Control notified to appear in cap and gown. 
 The procession will start from Cobb Hall at eleven o'clock, led 
 by the Head Marshal, the Assistant Marshals and the Band. 
 As a special favor, the students will be allowed to have a small 
 bonfire on the campus, carefully watched by the Fire Depart- 
 ment, the Faculty and the Police, and the band may play " Hot 
 Time ! " 
 
 63 
 
Hollister 
 Brothers 
 Printers 
 
 CuPS^^ Cu?5~^ ^u?^^ vWu-^ 
 
 Are now located at 
 
 Madison <S: Market Sts 
 
 Cxround Floor, with largely 
 increased facilities. Plant 
 cq ui pped w i t h Individ u a 1 
 electric motors and every 
 modern appliance for pro- 
 ducing the highest grade of 
 printing. We invite inspection 
 
 Six Tflcphdiics Main io6r) 
 
 
 ^^"^^^^-^ 
 
 111 1. (,()1.K 1:ALI,KT 
 
 ^I'cii trail 1)> Dana Hull.) 
 
 i^ 
 
 i^ 
 
 m 
 
 Send /or Samples 
 
 and Prices of the l-ine \\'ork done by the 
 
 Illinois Engra\ing Co. 
 
 Designers and Makers of 
 
 ■■ V r i n t i n <>" Plates : 
 
 -^46-:^ ^6 Dearborn Street, Chicago 
 
 hi> Bo.ik «ere ni.icle by the Illin..i- l-iiirraving C 
 
THE ACADEMIC A L C fl E .\f I S T 
 ENTER WILEY (exultantly). 
 
 Song of T r i u m p h. Wilhv. 
 ;Air : " Pom Tiddly Om Pom/' Words by C. R. B.j 
 
 Hear the silver dollars fall, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink. 
 There's riches now for one and all, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink chink. 
 No longer shall the golden bug, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink. 
 The wealth of all the nation hug, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink chink. 
 Sixteen to one shall be our cry, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink. 
 A dollar sixteen times shall buy, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink chink. 
 And fools who have in gold put trust, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink, 
 Shall straightway be upon the bust, 
 
 Chinkety chink chink chink. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Ob ! how I 
 
 Will make the goldbugs fly ! 
 
 'Twill be milleniuni 
 
 When we've sixteen to one ! 
 
 Ev'rythiug 
 
 Will have a silver ring ! 
 
 Chinkety chink chink, chinkety chink chink. 
 
 Chinkety chink chink chink I 
 
 Now the farmer's cloud of care 
 A silver lining bright shall wear. 
 The silver thread among the gold 
 Will have a pathos yet untold. 
 The golden sun shall pass away. 
 The silver moon will mark the day. 
 The bunco man will change his trick, 
 And sell the jay a silver brick. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Girls with locks of "burnished gold " 
 Will lose no time in growing old. 
 The "silvered" youth the pace will set, 
 And silver tip his cigarette. 
 
 6.S 
 

 
 FOR 
 
 
 Lad 
 
 ies 
 
 afid Gentlemen 
 
 LUNCH FRO M i i TO 
 
 '> 
 
 
 
 wk'ri 
 
 : SERVING THE MUST 
 
 
 
 DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING 
 
 
 
 KKAL 
 
 STRAWBERRY SHORI'- 
 
 
 
 CAKE 
 
 THAT YOU EVER TASTED 
 I N T H E 
 
 
 New 
 
 Yo7'h Life Biiildin 
 
 g 
 
 
 
 F. N r RANGE AT 
 
 
 I 4 3 
 
 M 
 
 ONROE STREE 
 
 T 
 
 MR. A.T.STEWART 
 as Rebecca Withering 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 The golden rule no more shall hold, 
 For silver shall replace the gold. 
 And "golden opportunities" 
 Will he as thick and cheap as flies. 
 
 {^Students drag in a mysterious machine. Wiley approaches and sets 
 it in motio7i. Silver bricks drop out rapidly.) 
 
 WiL. Down with gold ! Here is silver iti the heaven-born 
 ratio. Long live sixteen-to-one ! Vistas of endless prosperity 
 open before us ! 
 
 Driv. At last I can follow my own convictions. Hurrah 
 for an honest dollar ! I didn't ask for it, but it came. 
 
 {Wingold picks up a silver brick and examines it closely. All crowd 
 around Wiley, and joiyi in final chorus. ) 
 
 F" I N A L Chorus. 
 (Air: Erminie. Words by C. R. B.) 
 
 His the glory and fame shall be, 
 
 For this mighty, mighty deed he's done. 
 
 Now silver's free for you and me, 
 And dollars are sixteen to one. 
 
 Hail him! honor him ! Yell, boys, yell ! 
 
 See the way he turned the rock to mon ! 
 E'en Prexy can't do half so well 
 
 At coining dollars from a stone. 
 
 67 
 
MONAHAN'S 
 ANTISEPTIC 
 
 cuts down vour expense and enhances 
 the renting value of your buildings. 
 
 IT IS ODORLESS 
 
 and embodies all the essential elements 
 that the latest scientific research can 
 suggest to make a true disinfectant. 
 It at once destroys bacteria, checks 
 decomposition and cleanses. It is 
 cleanly to use, pure, and the ideal dis- 
 infectant for the home. 
 
 Monahan Antiseptic Company 
 
 McVicker's Theatre Building, Chicago 
 
 MR. A. W. PIKRC. 
 as Mis. Headwav —"/'/"* 
 
 (Portrait by Dai 
 
THE .I(\i/>/-:mI(' \ i. c ii e m i s j 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Scene: J'he University Campus. Buildings gayly decorated. At the 
 rear, beneath a canopy, iivo chairs of State. 
 
 ENTER RUNSiTALL/<7//o?£'<'a' by FOOTBALL TEAM bcaritig in a gilded litter presi- 
 dent DRIVER. He is preceded by flower girls, and folloived by 
 WILEY, wiNGOLD, professors and students. 
 
 Chorus : " H p: is our P r k s i d e n t. " 
 
 {^During the sing ino the procession makes a tour ot the stage and takes 
 up a position at right rear.) 
 
 ENTER BAND followed by elephant carrying president mckingly. In his 
 train Philippine captives, secretary straw, admiral diddit, gen- 
 eral STYLES, soldiers and SAILORS. 
 
 Music : "Hail to the C h fE f. " 
 
 {^During the m2isic the procession wakes a tonr of the stage and takes 
 up a position at left rear.) 
 
 INIcKixGLY. {Prodicctng a large roll of MS.) President 
 Driver, IMembers of the Faculty, Students: Aly address, as it 
 will appear in the daily press of our great and glorious country, 
 will be found here [holds up MS) in full. Briefly, it gives 
 me profound pleasure to be with you, to introduce to you Ad- 
 miral (reorge Diddit, the Right Hand of the nation, and Gen- 
 eral Nelson A. Styles, the Left Hand of the nation. (Let not thy 
 left hand know what thy right hand doeth.) I should say, these 
 men, supported by our glorious army and navy, the bulwark of 
 our nation, have gained for us that greatest of American wars — 
 the Cuban-Philippine war — the war of principle fought for the 
 sake of humanity and fifteen per cent. Let me present to you 
 these great men, who have chased the Spaniards from the sea 
 and forced the F'ilipino to take to the woods. 
 
 69 
 
 1 
 
Chicago Orchestra 
 
 THEODORE THOMAS, Conductor 
 
 Tenth Season 
 
 1900-1901 
 
 Auditorium 
 
 THE CORYPHEES 
 
 First Concerts 
 October 19 th and 20th 
 
 Sale of Season Tickets will open June (First 
 at Lyon & Healy's 
 
 Prices Sio to S^o 
 
 J 
 
 According to Location 
 
 Money 1 
 
 Time V Saved 
 
 Annoyance I ^y Puvcliasing season Tickets 
 
THE ACADEJfIC A L C H E 3f I S T 
 
 Driv. Dr. McKinoly, Right and Left Hands of the nation, 
 bulwark in general, welcome to The University! In our turn we 
 would present our heroes. Let me introduce our victorious foot- 
 ball eleven, who made Cornell yell, did Brown to a turn and 
 conquered the eighth deadly sin — Wisconsin. 
 
 {The two Presidents descend, McKingly assisted by his followers, 
 Driver upon a ladder of the Faculty arranged in order of academic 
 rank. Coming forivard they sing:) 
 
 DuET: Thk Expansion Presidents. 
 
 McKingly and Driver. 
 (Air: "Downy Jailbirds of a Feather;" Erminie.) 
 
 Both. The expausion presidential bosses we 
 
 Of universe and university. 
 McK. I assimilate the heathen in bis isle, 
 
 And hypnotize the voter with my smile. 
 Driv. Assimilate I spell affiliate, 
 
 And John D. always used to pay the freight. 
 McK. I teach the Yankee nation to expand. 
 
 And he makesculture hum throughout the land 
 
 We're a modest pair of prexies: 
 
 Who shall tell the world our worth? 
 Let the learned Congregation, 
 Chanting to the Convocation, 
 Spread the tidings through the nation: 
 All we ask for is — the earth. 
 
 McK. I've colonies in every continent; 
 
 Driv. A correspondence course in every state. 
 
 McK. The Porto Ricans pay fifteen per cent; 
 
 The others won't get off at such a rate. 
 Driv. The M. P. A., the Lewis Institute, 
 
 A winter college down in Florida. 
 McK. And if the treasury can stand the loot, 
 
 A grand canal in Nicaragu-a. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Driv. No millionaire can say I beg of him. 
 McK. I cribbed the Philippines in self-defense. 
 
 Driv. I only take him out to see our "gym." 
 
 Its plainness moveshim more than eloquence. 
 
 71 
 
 ff 
 
mCAGO. 
 
 4301 and 4303 Drexel Boulevard 
 
 433 East Fifty-fifth Street 
 
 'Phone Drexel 5382 
 
 If you want a 
 stylish suit 
 
 call on Mr. Strasberger 
 in his beautiful parlors 
 and inspect his stN'les 
 and imported fabrics. 
 
 PRICES ARE 
 TEMPTING 
 
 MR. H. \V. JOHNSON 
 ( Portrait by Dana Hull) 
 
THE ACADEMIC ALCHEMIST 
 
 McK. 'Twas Destiny and Dewey played the game, 
 
 While I looked on bewildered and distressed. 
 
 Driv. And when I say "our library's a shame," 
 Chicago patriotism does the rest. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 {They retire to the thrones at rear.) 
 
 McK. I come, great and good friend, to arrange, if may be, 
 a treaty with yon which shall stop this ontpnt of gold. It has 
 demoralized the credit of the conntry and involved ns in inter- 
 national complications. 
 
 Driv. I see yon have not heard of onr latest sensation — 
 the invention of Head Profes.sor Wiley. 
 McK. No. What is that? 
 
 Driv. He is now prodncing silver bricks in the immntable 
 ratio without anybody's consent. 
 
 McK. Ye gods! On a silver basis at last! It's all up with 
 me. Methinks I see the little Canton home. {Collapses.) 
 
 {Orchestra plays a feic bars of '-Pd Leave my Happy Home for 
 You.'''' Wiley struts triumphantly }) 
 
 Win. {Stepping foricard confide >itly) Courage, august 
 sovereign ! I have a disclosure to make. This is no silver 
 {prodiici7ig a brick and a bottle of acid.) Observe the reaction. 
 It's nothing but the familiar tin-plate which has long enjoved 
 your gracious protection. 
 
 Driv. Seize that villain Wiley. {Aside: I'm always 
 having trouble with Head Professors.) Let him be bound for 
 life to Miss Withering, make him perpetual Vice-President of 
 the Congregation, and advertise him for a course of Extension 
 lectures at Kalamazoo. 
 
 McK. {To Wingold) What reward do yon ask for your rare 
 insight into the tinncss of these bricks ? Will you accept the 
 post of Ambassador to the Court of St. James ? {Wingold boivs 
 acceptance^ { To Straw) Secretary Straw, kindly give the 
 company an idea of our diplomatic methods. 
 
 73 
 
The Present Settlement Residence 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 n 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 v 
 
 tr 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 u 
 
 
 u 
 
 C. G. LINES 
 
 9lrttsitic 
 jframiug 
 
 214 Fifty-Seventh St., Chicago 
 
 Passe Partouts a Specialty 
 
 XJ U 
 U 
 
THE ACADEMIC A /. C If E M I S T 
 
 The New Diplomacy. Jack Straw. 
 
 (Air : " Pirate King; " Pirates of Penzance.) 
 
 Behold a speciuieu in me 
 
 Of the new shirt-sleeve diplomacy. 
 
 I have no use for soft French speech, 
 
 But tune my voice to the eagle's screech. 
 
 It's not my fashion to bow and smirk 
 
 To British lord or heathen Turk; 
 
 But Japs kowtow and the Turks salaani 
 
 When I raise the war-whoop of Uncle Sam. 
 
 CHORUS : 
 For I'm a diplomat, 
 And I'm talking, talking 
 Through my hat — 
 
 A modern diplomat. 
 For I'm a diplomat. 
 And I'm talking, talking 
 Through my hat — 
 A modern diplomat. 
 
 A patent jimmy to open doors, 
 Soft-soldered buncombe for the Boers, 
 A cork-screw to twist the Lion's tail. 
 If the Irish vote is like to fail. 
 A Philippine commission or two. 
 And Otis to put the right news through — 
 I think you'll all agree that that 
 Is a fine outfit for a diplomat. 
 CHORUS. 
 
 The dudes and cowards may be polite ; 
 The diplomats' lay is to bluff or fight. 
 So I stretch the doctrine of Monroe 
 From Luzon's rill to Alaska's snow ; 
 And if effete monarchies cut up rough, 
 There's Dewey and Sampson to back my bluff. 
 I ask you, gentlemen, is not that 
 The way of the modern diplomat ? 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 MCK. Speaking of diplomacy, on what conditions will yon 
 ciViiit down vonr Klondike? 
 
 DRIV. 'l divined the purpose of your visit. Here are our 
 
 terras: 
 
 75 
 
D 
 
 uuDUUuuutruuuuuunuuuuuurr 
 
 THE MARVELOUS AUTOMOBILE 
 
 
 ^^^5 ■ . ELGIN-'' "f 
 
 INABAN 
 
 CEYLON TEA 
 
 POSITIVELY GUARANTEED 
 
 Cbe Best Cca m the iUorld 
 
 AND AT A POPULAR PRICE. 
 
 IT is srown in the mountain tUstrict of Ceylon 
 and SPECIALLY prepared to suit the 
 Anicrii-an trade. It steeps a beautiful, 
 britrht-c-olorcd liquor and has trreat fragrance 
 It is not maltv or bitter like other Ceylon and 
 India Teas. It is packed on the garden where 
 grown, in one-pound, half-pound and quarier- 
 l)ound soldered air-tight lead packages, thereby 
 retaining all its wonderful fragrance. It ii- 
 sold only in these lead packages — ^/c('^/w'« hulk. 
 If vou want the very best tea. ask your grocer 
 for NAB*-N. Send us a postal card and we will 
 mail yoii a trial iiacUage. 
 
 Franklin MacVeagh & Co.,cHicAGa 
 
 76 
 
jiii: .1 c.\ n 1-: \i i c .\ i. c ii e m i s i 
 
 1. An annual congressional appropriation to the Ihiiversity 
 of twenty-five millions. 
 
 2. The exclusive right of members of the University to all 
 diplomatic posts. 
 
 On these conditions the production of gold shall be stopped 
 at once. 
 
 McK. {After hasty cojisultation zvit/i Secretary Straw) 
 We accept your terms, with the proviso that the gold brick 
 machine be destroyed and that the Academic Alchemist 
 be hypnotized by the Head Professor of Mental and Psychical 
 Research, who shall bid him forget the combination, 
 
 Driv. It shall be as you say. 
 
 CiiORis: "He Is Our Preside n t . " 
 
 Roxv ANN and maud emerge from the crowd. 
 
 Win. {Seeing Roxy) Surely you will now consent to 
 accept the hand of the Ambassador to the Court of St. James? 
 
 Roxv. Oh I I cannot. IMy pride — 
 
 Maud. Now, Roxy, don't be silly. You take him. Don't 
 you see that this treaty will make you rich again? 
 
 Roxv. Why of course ! How stupid of me not to think 
 ■of it ! Maud, how cle\-er you are. ( Goes to ll'tngold^ wJio em- 
 braces Jier. ) 
 
 Maud. Oh I I'm not so slow. You're not the only one 
 to make an academic match. [Pairs off ivit/i Burleigh.) 
 
 Runs. ( Stepping forzvard zcith Katie Clattering ) You 
 see how it is, President Driver. I didn't ask her, but she 
 embraced her opportunity. 
 
 ]\IcK. Rather an epidemic, isn't it ? 
 
 Driv. Yes. It's always like this in the Spring Quarter. 
 
 {Lovers couiing forzcard sing :) 
 
 Ti 
 
Illinois State University 
 
 NIGHT COURSES IN CHICAGO 
 
 The editorial of The Inter Ocean, September li, 1899, calls our atten- 
 tion to the fact that 97 per cent, of all the children of school age in the 
 United States never enter the High School ; that only three-tenths of one 
 per cent, of the three per cent, who do enter High School are graduated; 
 and that the great majority of children never pass beyond the sixth grade. 
 Is it not, therefore, a great sacrifice of good citizenship that all the oppor- 
 tunities for higher and highest education, High School and University, are 
 to be had only in the day time ? 
 
 Should not the opportunities for University, as well as High School 
 education, come out of the taxes which we, as citizens, pay to the State of 
 Illinois ? Should not these opportunities for education in the sciences of 
 commercial value be available in the evening.' 
 
 Evening classes under the auspices of the State University can raise 
 the standard of intelligence of the greatest number of citizens, because the 
 tuition of private evening schools must necessarily be too high for the many. 
 Let us see to it that our own state taxes furnish these University opportu- 
 nities, and furnish them at a price within the reach of all. This is the 
 object of the Illinois Educational League. 
 
 EVERY CITIZEN 
 
 man and woman, should register next October and vote next November 
 for the Illinois State University Trustees. 
 
 The State of Illinois should furnish opportunities for education out of 
 the taxes which citizens pay in the following manner: 
 
 (</) By extension courses throughout the state in sanitary and agri- 
 cultural sciences. 
 
 {b) By establishing laboratories open in the evening in the city of 
 Chicago in the sciences which have commercial value — Physics, Chemistry, 
 Bacteriology, Biology, and Microscopy, together with such other studies as 
 are necessary to the attainment of the degree Bachelor of Science. 
 
 Do you think well enough of this proposition to send twenty-five cents 
 to the Illinois Educational Le.\gue whose duty is to work for the 
 voting in November of every citizen for the above purposes and assist in 
 the legislation for the necessary appropriation ? 
 
 Dr. Frances Dickinson, President 
 Sylvia Doton, Treasurer 
 HEADQi'ARTERS Emma Runyan Pratt, Secretary 
 
 llarvey Building, 169 S. Clark St. 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 7S 
 
THE .IC.IDEMIC A L C H E Jf I S / 
 
 Lovers' O c t p: r t e . 
 (Air : " Love Will Find the Wa>-." Words by C. R. B. ) 
 
 Far back in the past Love worked alone, 
 
 And now and then he failed; 
 
 Hearts he wanted united were sometimes not plighted, 
 
 Although their owners wailed. 
 
 But he has a partner now who won't allow 
 
 One lover in vain to pray. 
 
 The game is done e'er its begun, 
 
 For Science finds the way. 
 
 CHORUS : 
 If the schemes of Cupid are not enough, 
 
 Then Science finds the way. 
 The problems may be very tough, 
 
 But Science finds the way. 
 He levels ranks and incomes too, 
 
 He cements hearts with patent glue. 
 He does whatever he tries to do — 
 
 Science finds the way. 
 
 He can repeat from a phonograph 
 
 What a lover dare not speak ; 
 The most approved fashion of raising a passion, 
 
 He'll teach you in a week. 
 Cupid, Science I'v: Co. is the firm we know, 
 
 Whose sign is hung out today ; 
 Just ask their aid, for man or maid. 
 
 And they will find the way. 
 
 {^Presidents come for zcard and the lovers part to give them a place 
 in the first row.) 
 
 Final Chorus. 
 (Air: '"Neath the Elms.'' Words by F. J. M. ) 
 
 Now all care has fled away, 
 
 And our hearts are light and gay. 
 
 Let the joyous echoes ring, 
 
 As we blithely dance and sing. 
 
 Gloomy fate could not prevail, 
 
 Nor our happy fortune fail ; 
 
 We're the favored sons of her who will be 
 
 Forever the great 'Varsity ! 
 
 79 
 
National Educational Association 
 
 Charleston, S. C, July 7th to 13th 
 
 The famous old city will txteiul its broadest hospitality. 
 
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 Via Cincinnati and the 
 
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 September First. 
 
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 Cliicago, Illinois. 
 
 When You 
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