LIBRARY NiVtmSlTY Of CALIFORNIA SANTA CRUZ JOHN KENDRICK BANGS THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT By John Kendrick Bangs ( ILLUSTRATED NEW YORK AND LONDON HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 1903 BY THE SAME AUTHOR. THK BOOMING OF AOBB HILL. Illustrated. IGmo, Cloth, $1 25. THK ENCHANTED TYPE WRITER. Illustrated by PKTKB NKWKLU IGmo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25. COFFEE AND REPARTEE aud THK IDIOT. 1 vol. Il lustrated. 16iuo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25. THE DREAMERS: A CLUB. Illustrated by EDWARD PENFIELD. IGmo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25. A REBELLIOUS HEROINE. A Story. Illustrated l>y W. T. SMKDLKY. IGmo, Cloth, Ornamental, Un cut Edge*, $1 25. A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX. Illustrated by PETEB NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25. THK PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT. Illustrat ed by PETEB NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornament al, $1 25. PASTE JEWELS. Being iSeven Tales of Domestic Woe. 16mo, Cloth, Or namental, $1 00. GHOSTS I HAVE MET, AND SOME OTBKBB. With Il lustrations by NKWKLL, FKOST, and RICHARDS. 16mo, Cloth, Ornament al, $1 25. TuEBlCYOLERS,ANDTHREE OTHER FAECES. Illus trated. 16mo, Cloth, Or namental, $1 25. PEEPS AT PEOPLE. Illus trated by EDWARD PEN- FIELD. 16mo, Cloth, Or namental, $1 25. MR. BONAPARTE OF COR SICA. Illustrated by H. W. MoVioKAB. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1 25. THE WATER GHOST, AND OTHERS. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, Cruumeut- al, $1 25. THRKK W KKKS IN POLITICS. Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, Ornamental, 50 cents. NEW YORK AND LONDON : HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS. Copyright, 1897, by HARPER & BROTHERS. All rigklt retennd. TO A. CONAN DOYLE, ESQ. WITH THE AUTHOR'S SINCEREST REGARDS AND THANKS FOR THE UNTIMELY DKMISE OF HIS GREAT DETECTIVE WHICH MADE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE PS 10 bf B3 (8 ! CONTENTS CHAP. FACT I. THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 1 II. THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF . . . . 18 III. THE SEARCH-PARTY is ORGANIZED . 42 IV. ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT ... 58 V. A CONFERENCE ON DECK .... 73 VI. A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS . . 89 VII. THE " GEHENNA :: is CHARTERED. . 105 VIII. ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA." . . .121 IX. CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OB STACLE 189 X. A WARNING ACCEPTED 157 XI. MAROONED 172 XII. THE ESCAPE AND THE END . . 189 ILLUSTKATIONS JOHN KENDRICK BANGS Frontispiece " ' DR. JOHNSON'S POINT is WELL TAKEN ' " . Facingp. 8 " ' WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION ?'" " 10 "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVER BOARD" " 22 "THE STRANGER DRKW FORTH A BUNDLE OP BUSINESS CARDS" " 38 "THREE ROUSING CHEERS, LED BY HAMLET, WERE GIVEN " " 42 A BLACK PERSON BY THE NAME OF FRIDAY FINDS A BOTTLE " 54 MADAME RECAMIKR HAS A PLAN . . . . " 66 " THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH" " 70 "'HERE'S A KETTLE OF FISH,' SAID KIDD" . " 74 " 'EVERY BLOOMIN' MILLION WAS REPRESENT ED BY A CERTIFIED CHECK*" ..." 84 QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONB HOUR OF HER OLDBN POWER . . . . " 90 Viii ILLUSTRATIONS " THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'" Facing p. 102 " ' YOU ARE VERY MUCH MISTAKEN, SIR WALTER 1 " " 108 " IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT SHYLOCK HAD STOLEN UP THE GANG-PLANK" ... " 118 JUDGE BLACKSTONE REFUSES TO CLIMB TO THE MIZZENTOP " 126 SHEM IN THE LOOKOUT 128 CAPTAIN KIDD CONSENTS TO BE CROSS - EX AMINED BY PORTIA 148 KIDD'S COMPANIONS ENDEAVORING TO RE STORE EVAPORATED PORTIONS OF HIS ANATOMY WITH A STEAM- ATOMIZER . " 154 " ' HE TOLD US WE WERE GOING TO PARIS ' " " 160 "'YOU ARE A VERY CLEAR-HEADED YOUNO WOMAN, LIZZIE,' SAID MRS. NOAH " ' " 170 " ' THAT OUGHT TO BE A LESSON TO YOU ' " " 178 " THE PIRATES MADE A MAD DASH DOWN THB ROUGH, ROCKY HILL-SIDE " .... " 180 " ' NOW, MY CHILD,' SAID MRS. NOAH, FIRMLY, 'l DO NOT WISH ANY WORDS '" . . " 192 "A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO " " 200 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION THE House -boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River Styx, as the reader may possibly remem ber, had been torn from its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly in habitants of Hades. Like a thief in the night had they come, and for no better reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady to 2 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT associate with self-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered desolate. " I can't stand it I" cried Ealeigh, des perately, as with his accustomed grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bank of the inky Styg ian stream, at the point where the miss ing boat had been moored. " Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpur- nia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social dia dem gone, vanished completely; and with whom ? Kidd, of all men in the universe! Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian " " Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's the use of going into hysterics ? You are not THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 3 a woman, and should eschew that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and Fll warrant you that when that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank, and vol untarily at that." " But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. " That was my delight. It reminded me in some respects of the Ark." "The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retorted Soc rates. " For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to ; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the finger." "Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar, firmly, "therefore we are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are. we to sit here and do nothing, allow- 4 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT ing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?" "Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All things considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart." "No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do something if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really is, what shall be done first ?" "I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it was this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being Sunday, and all the establishments where in liquid refreshments were licensed to be sold being closed for at the time of writ- THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 5 ing the local government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party. "What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays ? Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not. Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian should be capt ured at once and made an example of." " Excuse me, Socrates/' put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah pray speak in Greek hereafter, will you, please ? When you attempt English you have a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to the ear of a purist." " This is no time to discuss style, Mur ray," interposed Sir Walter. " Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases ; he may even part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of greater moment in hand." "We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat. Fm dry as a fish." "There he goes again!" growled Mur- 6 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT ray. " Dry as a fish! What fish I'd like to know is dry?" " Eed herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined. "Then it is settled/' said Raleigh; " something must be done. And now the point is, what?" "Relief expeditions have a way of find ing things," suggested Dr. Livingstone. " Or rather of being found by the things they go out to relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may have North America ; and " " I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr. Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House -boat of ours and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels ?" THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 7 " No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor. "Do yon then believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps ?" persisted the philosopher. " Not at all. Why do you ask ?' que ried the African explorer, irritably. " Because I wish to know," said John son. " That is always my motive in ask ing questions. You propose to go look ing for a house -boat in Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an ex pedition in search of it through Europe all of which strikes me as nonsense. This search is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of China. "What earthly use there is in ran sacking the earth I fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now 8 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT nsing it for a roller-skating rink or a bi cycle academy in Ohio, or for some other purpose for which neither he nor it was designed." "Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sitting upon the string;-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very evident interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and exces sively slender shade, ' ' like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," as Johnson put it after wards, so slight he seemed. " I have not the honor of being a member of this as sociation," the stranger continued, " but, like all well - ordered shades, I aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of this club. I fancy it will not take us long to establish our initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully appropriated your property to his own base uses does not contemplate removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere inland. All the evidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my sole rea- THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 9 son for doubting the value of that con clusion. Captain Kidd is a seafarer by instinct, not a landsman. The House boat is not a house, but a boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. John son so well says, in the. Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but upon the high sea, or upon the water front of some one of the world's great cities." " And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by the stran ger's manner as well as by the very mani fest reason in all that he had said. "The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for the purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House boat has sailed, for what port, and start at once. Have you a model of the House boat within reach?" returned the stran ger. " I think not ; we have the architect's plans, however," said the chairman. " We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demos thenes, who was secretary of the House 10 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House -boat itself. They were kept in the safe in the hold." A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger. " That's too bad," he said. ' < It was a most important part of my plan that we should know about how fast the House boat was." "Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill - concealed sarcasm. "If you'll take Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat." "I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger, quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with it." "The designer of the craft is here," said Sir "Walter, fixing his eyes upon Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of assistance in settling that point." " What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?" asked Solomon, rising impatiently and address- WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE QUESTION?' THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 11 ing Sir Walter. "We aren't preparing for a yacht -race that I know of. No body's after a cup, or a championship of any kind. What we do want is to get our wives back. The Captain hasn't taken more than half of mine along with him, but I am interested none the less. The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am somewhat interested in her fate. So I ask you what earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this question of speed in the House-boat. It strikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather un precedented too, that we should suspend all rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger." " I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon/' said Johnson, dryly, "but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest me." " Of course they do," ejaculated Solo mon. "He agreed with you. That ought to make him interesting to every body. Freaks usually are." " That is not the reason at all," retort- 12 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT ed Dr. Johnson. " Cold water agrees with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think, however, is that our un known friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which we are confronted, and he's going at the matter in hand in a very comprehensive fashion. I move, there fore, that Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of the ah of the wharf be extended indefinitely to our friend on the string-piece/' The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger resumed. "I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom I have always admired, and whose endur ance as the husband of three hundred wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before starting in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire to overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, if the THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 13 Honse-boat can sail four knots an honr, to attempt to overhanl her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour." " Hear ! hear !" ejaculated Caesar. "That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of your late club - house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to Solomon. "Now if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her meas urements, we can very soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under favorable circumstances." " 'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," said Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed to re quire. "As long as we are discussing the question I will take the liberty of stat ing what I have never mentioned before, that the designer of the House -boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shern, Ham, and Japhet will bear testi mony to the truth of that statement." " There can be no quarrel on that score, 14 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT Mr. Chairman," assented Sir Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to admit that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but with modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward and back in six days less time than it would have taken the Ark to cover the same dis tance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursion steamers into the bargain." " Bosh !" ejaculated Noah, angrily. " Strip your old tub down to a flying bal loon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants until every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she'd outfoot you on every leg, in a cy clone or a zephyr. Give me the Ark and a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing distance of her five min utes after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a gale." "This discussion is waxing very un profitable," observed Confucius. "If THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION 15 these gentlemen cannot be made to con fine themselves to the subject that is agi tating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have them confined in the bottomless pit." "I did not precipitate the quarrel/' said Noah. "I was merely trying to as sist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say. that as the Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christo pher Wren's tub, which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excur sion boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-tub " "Order! order!" cried Sir Christo pher. " I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a month," continued Noah, ignoring the interruption. " Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir Christopher. " Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, Fll admit," retorted 16 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT Noah, than once in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double the Cape of Good Hope." "My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. " But Baron Mun- chausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room aboard of her. She doesn't carry second - class passengers. And if I took any stock in the idea of a trip on the Flying Dutchman amounting to a seven years' exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's expenses for a round trip/' " We are losing time, gentlemen," sug gested Sherlock Holmes. " This is a mo ment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and personal prefer ences for immediate action. I have ex amined the wake of the House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a better term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-boat was mak ing ten knots a day. Almost any craft we can find suitably manned ought to be THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 49 able to do better than that; and if you could summon Charon and ascertain what boats he has at hand, it would be for the good of all concerned." "That's a good plan," said Johnson. " Boswell, see if you can find Charon." "I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most of my boats have gone into winter quarters, your Honor. The Mayflower went into dry dock last week to be calked up ; the Pinta and the Santa Maria are slow and cranky ; the Monitor and the Merrimac I haven't really had time to patch up ; and the Val kyrie is two months overdue. I cannot make up my mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion steamers. Hence I really don't know what I can lend you. Any of these boats I have named you could have had for nothing ; but my oth ers are actively employed, and I couldn't let them go without a serious interfer ence with my business." The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite shore. It was 60 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense the club was about to be put to, and while of course there would be profit in it for him, he was sincerely sorry for them. " I repeat," he added, " those boats you could have had for nothing, but the oth ers I'd have to charge you for, though of course I'll give you a discount." And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount should be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent. " The Flying Dutchman" he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes. She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not to stop. You'd catch up with the House boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and disappear like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never do with all respect to Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as any other waterlogged cat tle-steamer 'd be, and no more first-rate for elephants and kangaroos, but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn't make a ripple high enough to drown a THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 61 gnat going at the top of her speed. Fur thermore, she's got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove in by run ning afoul of Mount Arrus-root, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went cruising with that menagerie of his." " That's an unmitigated falsehood !" cried Noah, angrily. " This man talks like a professional amateur yachtsman. He has no regard for facts, but simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of the truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her very successfully. I say this in defence of my seamanship, which was top-notch for my day." "Couldn't sail six weeks without foul ing a mountain - peak I" sneered Wren, perceiving a chance to get even. "The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. " Maybe she was a centreboard, and that's where you kept the board." ' ' The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the elephants," retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the ele- 62 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT pliant shuffling one of his fore -feet up and down, up and down, a plank for twenty-four hours a day for forty days in one of your boats, and see where your boat would be." " Thanks," said Charon, calmly. " But the elephants don't patronize my line. All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded over, except Jumbo, and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with it, and swung himself over. However, the Ark isn't at all what you want, unless you are going to man her with a lot of centaurs. If that's your in tention, I'd charter her ; the accommo dations are just the thing for a crew of that kind." " Well, what do you suggest ?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. " You've told us what we can't do. Now tell us what we can do." "I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue themselves. That's what I'd do. I've had the honor of bringing 'em over here, and I think I THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 03 know "em pretty well. Fve watched 'em close, and it's my private opinion that be fore many days you'll see your club-house sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the helium, and the other ladies on the forward deck knittin' and crocheting and tearin' each other to pieces in a conver sational way, as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd and his pi rate crew." ' ' That suggestion is impossible/' said Blackstone, rising. " Whether the relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good to be set going. The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here in active, even if they were capable of rescu ing themselves. It is an accepted prin ciple of law that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to herself, and we've got enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in augmenting the ranks. We must have a boat." "It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon. " I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet. 64 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT "I'll consult my secretary," said Solo mon, "and find out how many of my wives have been abducted, and Fll pay ten dollars apiece for their recovery." "That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixty-three of 'em on board, together with eighty of his fiancees. What's the quotation on fiancees, King Solomon ?" " Nothing," said Solomon. "The/re not mine yet, and it's their fathers' busi ness to get 'em back. Not mine." Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before everybody save Shylock had put his name down for some thing. This some one of the more quick witted of the spirits soon observed, and, with reckless disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of V r enice, began to call : " Shylock ! Shylock ! How much ?" The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked. "Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry. "How much?" " Order, gentlemen, order !" said Sir THE SEARCH-PARTT IS ORGANIZED 65 Walter, rising and holding a bottle aloft. t( A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It contains a bit of paper, and may perhaps give us a clew based upon something more sub stantial than even the wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes." A deathly silence followed the chair man's words, as Sir Walter drew a cork screw from his pocket and opened the bottle. He extracted the paper, and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a mes sage from the missing vessel. His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir Walter read, aloud : " Have just emerged into the Atlantic. Club in hands of Kidd and forty ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board. Headed for the Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthip pe, who is seasick in the billiard-room. (Signed) Portia." 66 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT "Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That shows how valuable the Holmes theory is." " Precisely," said Holmes. " No wom an knows anything about seafaring, but Portia is right. The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the first tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present conditions." The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined. "I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly, "but with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red obolus I" and with that he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows of the wood. And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the shapely twin- screw steamer the Gehenna was chartered of Charon, and put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had thanked the company for their confi dence, walked abstractedly away, observ- THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED 67 ing in strictest confidence to himself that he had done well to prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it. " For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again free of cost on my own hook, whether my emi nent inventor wants me there or not. I never approved of his killing me off as he did at the very height of my popularity." IV ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT MEANWHILE the ladies were not hav ing such a bad time, after all. Once hav ing gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to think of ever having to give it up again, and it is an open ques tion in my mind if they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain Kidd and his men not done it for them. " I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing all this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a bill iard-cue, which missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth. "It is not right." " No," said Portia. " It is all wrong ; and when we get back home I'm going to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind ; and if he doesn't give in to me, ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 59 Til reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock versus Antonio/' " Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, " for I swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of injustice ever perpetrated. Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at one of Mrs. Caesar's card-parties, that he regarded that as the biggest joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to Antony that the decision wouldn't have held in any court of equity outside of Venice. If you owe a man a thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get them, that's your affair, not his. If it cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay the pound of flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's. However, the world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a woman's keen instinct for sentimental technicalities." "It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on," shuddered Elizabeth. " That may be, but, carried out realis- 60 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT tically, it would have done away with a raft of bad actors/' said Cleopatra. " I'm half sorry it didn't go on, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than com pelling Brutus to fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver en Irochette, as is done in that Julius Caesar play." "Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped Portia. "I should think you would be," said Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done it, you'd never have been known. What was that ?" The boat had given a slight lurch. "Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia ?" asked the Egyptian Queen. " I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit," returned Portia, nervously ; for, like most women in an advanced state of development, she had become a martyr to her nerves. " It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferry-boats, I fancy," said Elizabeth, calmly. "It's disgusting, the way that old fellow allows these modern innovations to be brought in here ! As ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 61 if the old paddle-boats he used to carry shades in weren't good enough for the immigrants of this age ! Keally this Styx River is losing a great deal of its charm. Sir Walter and I were upset, while out rowing one day last summer, by the waves kicked up by one of Charon's excursion steamers going up the river with a party of picnickers from the city the Greater Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it was on board of her. One might just as well live in the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet here in the suburbs in these days. Charon isn't content to get rich slowly ; he must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all the comfort of everybody living on this river. Any body 'd think he was an American, the way he goes on ; and everybody else here is the same way. The Erebeans are get ting to be a race of shopkeepers/' "I think myself/' sighed Cleopatra, " that Hades is being spoiled by the in troduction of American ideas it is get- 62 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT ting by far too democratic for my tastes ; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief that the best people will stop coming here. Take Madame Recamier's salon as it is now and compare it with what it used to be ! In the early days, after her arrival here, everybody went because it was the swell thing, and you'd be sure of meeting the intellectually elect. On the one hand you'd find Sophocles ; on the other, Cicero ; across the room would be Horace chatting gayly with some such person as myself. Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte, were there, and glad of the opportunity to be there, too ; statesmen like Macchiavelli ; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto. You couldn't move without stepping on the toes of genius. But now all is different. The money- getting in stinct has been aroused within them all, with the result that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at my place last autumn, he sent me a card stat ing his terms for dinners. Let me see, I think I have it with me ; I've kept it by me for fear of losing it, it is such a com- ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 63 plete revelation of the actual condition of affairs in this locality. Ah ! this is it," she added, taking a small bit of paste board from her card-case. " Head that/' The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished and natu rally so, for it ran this wise : NOTICE TO HOSTESSES. Owing to the very great, constantly grow ing, and at times vexatious demands upon his time socially, HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and after January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will be as follows : Mark*. Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music 500 Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music, illustrated. . . 750 Dinners without any conversa tion 300 Receptions, public, with music. . . 1000 " private, *' ... 750 Encores (single) 100 Three encores for 150 Autographs 10 Positively no Invitations for Five-o'Clock Teas or Morning Musicales considered. 64 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT " Well, I declare !" tittered Elizabeth, as she read. "Isn't that extraordi nary ? He's got the three-name craze, too !" " It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleo patra. "But it's fairer than Artemus Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge you ; but with Ward it's different. He conies, and afterwards sends a bill for his fun. Why, only last week I got a ( quarterly statement ' from him showing a charge against me of thirty- eight dollars for humorous remarks made to my guests at a little chafing-dish party I gave in honor of Balzac, and, worst of all, he had marked it ( Please remit.' Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't let me have it until he had heard whether or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the Gossip. With Rubens giving chalk-talks for pay, Phidias doing ' Five-minute Masterpieces in Putty ' for suburban lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines turning their genius to account through the entertain- ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 65 ment bureaus, it's impossible to have a salon now." " You are indeed right," said Madame Recamier, sadly. " Those were palmy days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade. I shall never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time were ah were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of lights and supper. Now the only people who will come for nothing are those we used to think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always ready, but you can't run a salon on Boswell." " Well," said Portia, " I sincerely hope that you won't give up the functions al together, because I have always found them most delightful. It is still possible to have lights and supper." " I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Recamier, " but I suppose I shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt it. The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's an idea worthy of an American, I admit ; 66 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT but if I don't do it III have to give it up entirely, which, as you intimate, would be too bad. An incorporated salon, however, would be a grand thing, if only because it would perpetuate the salon. ' The Re- camier Salon (Limited)' would be a most excellent title, and, suitably capitalized, would enable us to pay our lions suffi ciently. Private enterprise is powerless under modern conditions. It's as much as I can afford to pay for a dinner, with out running up an expense account for guests ; and unless we get up a salon trust, as it were, the whole affair must go to the wall." " How would you make it pay ?" asked Portia. " I can't see where your divi dends would come from." " That is simple enough," said Madame Recamier. "We could put up a large reception-hall with a portion of our capi tal, and advertise a series of nights eay one a week throughout the season. These would be Warriors' Night, Story tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 67 Night Tinder the charge of Brillat - Sava- rin, and so on. It would be understood that on these particular evenings the most interesting people in certain lines would be present, and would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on payment of a certain sum of money. The commonplace inhabitants of this country could thus meet the truly great ; and if I know them well, as I think I do, they'll pay readily for the privilege. The ob scure love to rub up against the famous here as well as they do on earth." " You'd run a sort of Social Zoo ?" sug gested Elizabeth. "Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An advertise ment in BoswelFs paper, which everybody buys" " And which nobody reads," said Por tia. " They read the advertisements," re torted Madame Eecamier. "As I was saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell's paper as follows : ' Are yon 68 THE PURSUIT OP THE HOUSE-BOAT giving a Function ? Do yon want Talent? Get your Genius at the Recamier Salon (Limited).' It would be simply magnifi cent as a business enterprise. The com mon herd would be tickled to death if they could get great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for them." "It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, ' The supper was fur nished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Recamier Salon (Limited)' ?" suggested Elizabeth, scornfully. " I must admit/' replied the French lady, " that you call up an unpleasant possibility, but I don't really see what else we can do if we want to preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented people that they have a com mercial value, and they are availing them selves of the demand." " It is a sad age !" sighed Elizabeth. "Well, all I've got to say is just this," ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT ff pnt in Xanthippe : " You people who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on yourselves. You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance. His wife told me that he dined at home three times during the winter. The rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making after- dinner speeches. The saving on his din ner bills didn't pay his pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful expense of nervous en ergy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that he couldn't go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid he would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for re fusing." "Did he do that?" cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter. " So the cyclopaedias say. It's a good 70 THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT plan, too/' said Xanthippe. (( Though Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates was going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's Thurs day Night Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown ! You people simply run it into the ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood leads on to fortune. It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is expected to be satisfied with confec tionery, material and theoretical. If they are getting tired of candy and compli ments, it's because you have forced too much of it upon them." ' f They like it, just the same," retorted Recamier. " A genius likes nothing bet ter than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a noble brow." " True," said Xanthippe. " But when "THE HARD FEATURES OF KIDD WERE THRUST THROUGH" ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT 71 a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a mile high on his head, he begins to won der what they will bring on the market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt to weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a man is apt to love it ; but when it becomes exacting, demanding in stead of permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm." " That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled Portia. "But Xanthippic in its origin," return ed Xanthippe.