THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 GIFT OF 
 
 Mrs. Edwin Grabhorn 
 
Aloft in pendent dignity, 
 
 Astride her magic broom, 
 And wrapt in dazzling majesty, 
 
 See ! see ! the Goody come ! 
 Biding sublime on billowy air, 
 She tun'd her instrument with care. 
 
THE 
 
 REBELLIAD; 
 
 OR 
 
 TERRIBLE TRANSACTIONS 
 
 AT TfiB SEAT OF THE MUSES; 
 
 A POEM, 
 
 IN FOUR CANTOS, 
 
 AUCTORE ENGINES SOCIETATIS POETA 
 
 EDITED AND PATRONISED BY THE PI TATJ. 
 
 PRINTED BY PRIVATE SUBSCRIPTION. 
 
 CAMBRIDGE: 
 WELCH, BIGELOW, AND COMPANY, 
 
 PRINTERS TO THE UNIVERSITY. 
 1863. 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 FEW writings have recently been so much read in 
 manuscript as the poem here presented. More than 
 twenty years have elapsed since its delivery before 
 one of the societies in Harvard University, and it is 
 familiar to all who have since graduated, and by the 
 major part, perhaps, has been transcribed. A quarter 
 of a century has produced nothing at the seat of the 
 Muses to vie with the character it has held for wit and 
 pleasantry ; and it still remains the text-book of the 
 jocose, and is still regarded by all, even the melan- 
 choly, as a most happy production of humorous taste. 
 
 The Rebelliad is not, then, wholly unknown ; nor 
 are its merits yet to be pronounced upon. It as little 
 requires from us an introduction, as, after the charac- 
 ter it has so long held, it admits our commendation. 
 We will only here add to the brief remarks we have 
 made in the margin, that it was written principally 
 in the recitation-room, and delivered in 1819, imme- 
 diately after the transactions it relates, before the 
 Engine Club then existing among the members of 
 the University. The name of the author, which has 
 been of late very generally mistaken, stands among 
 the members of 1818 in the Med. Pac. Catalogue, 
 and may be distinguished by the title, Engines So- 
 cietatis poeta. 
 
6 EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 We have a word relative to the present text. On 
 first designing printed impressions of this poem, we 
 had no other resource for a copy than the manu- 
 scripts now in College ; no two of which, on being 
 collated, were found to be alike. The original, in 
 many places, could not even be guessed at : copyists 
 had, evidently, without noticing it, been continually 
 taking these questionable liberties, the use of which 
 makes Gassendi acknowledge of his collection of an 
 ancient philosopher, non habetur illi adeo scrupu- 
 lose illigata, ut non utar QSL libertate, qiia pleraque 
 emoveam, transponam, et qua esse videbitur magis 
 commodum, interjiciam. After writing out a text 
 from these different sources, adding our own improve- 
 ments to those that had before been made, we were 
 happy to have this trouble rendered useless, by re- 
 ceiving direct from the author of the Rebelliad the 
 original MS. of his poem; from which the present 
 edition has been printed. No copy was ever before 
 made by his consent, and those first circulated were 
 written only from memory. Some of those who were 
 permitted to read it in his room while in College, 
 attempted to procure copies by each committing a 
 portion to be afterwards written out. 
 
 Cambridge, June, 1842. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 SOME of the most venerable of the antique tribe of 
 critics have had the unaccountable audacity to as- 
 sert that I have wasted, not only my time and ideas 
 in a vain attempt to impose an Epic upon them, 
 but even my paper, ink, and quills. I was for some 
 time at a loss to determine whether to laugh at the 
 ludicrous gravity of their virulence, or to answer 
 them with soundness of argument. After due delib- 
 eration, I concluded to pursue both courses ; laugh- 
 ing lustily three times at the close of each argument. 
 They accuse me of wasting, 
 
 I. Time. I would remind them of that golden 
 rule, " Do as you are done by." Now time wastes 
 me, and vice versa, (which is, being interpreted, Tit 
 for Tat,) I waste time. 
 
 II. Ideas. They are wholly immaterial, and how 
 can immaterial substances be wasted ? 
 
 III. Paper. I have used no more than was or 
 will be absolutely necessary: of course there has 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 been no waste, since waste implies unnecessary con- 
 sumption. 
 
 IV. Ink and quills. It has cost me nothing for 
 these articles, as my chum can prove. 
 
 Having thus fully and unanswerably silenced ob- 
 jection-makers of all descriptions to the above-men- 
 tioned points, I shall now wield my pen in defence 
 of another vulnerated punctilio. The last number 
 of the " Podunk Pop-gun," (a semiannual publi- 
 cation, issued from the Brass Foundry of Peter Pam- 
 poodle, Esq., once a century,) contains the follow- 
 ing : " He " (meaning me) " says," say they, " that 
 he followed that infallible guide of genius, the in- 
 tellectual nose. It may be so ; we follow the same 
 guide ourselves ; but we cannot perceive how that 
 proves his Poem an epic." 
 
 There are 22222 different ways of solving this diffi- 
 culty, 2 of which I shall mention. 
 
 1. By premising it to be a well-authenticated fact, 
 that those persons who are in the habit of following 
 their noses, are in the habit of picking them. Now 
 what pick is to the physical nose, epic is to the intel- 
 lectual. 
 
 2. By proceeding to conclude. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 OH! IN HARVARD! 
 
 PARODY ON HOHENLINDEN. 
 I. 
 
 AT Harvard, when the sun was low, 
 All bustling was the kitchen's glow, 
 And hot as tophet was the flow 
 Of coffee, boiling rapidly. 
 
 II. 
 
 But Harvard saw another sight 
 When the bell rang at fall of night, 
 Commanding every appetite 
 To snatch a supper hastily. 
 
 m. 
 
 By mess and table fast arrayed, 
 Each Freshman drew his eating blade, 
 And furious every jaw-bone played, 
 Devouring Cooley's cookery. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Then shook the Halls with racket riven, 
 Then rushed each Soph to battle driven, 
 And louder than the bolts of heaven, 
 Round smashed the brittle crockery. 
 
10 PROLOGUE. 
 
 V. 
 
 And louder yet that noise shall grow ; 
 And fiercer yet that strife shall glow ; 
 And hotter yet shall be the flow 
 Of coffee, boiling rapidly. 
 
 VI. 
 
 J T is night, but scarce had Dr. Pop 
 Put half his supper in his crop, 
 When Freshman fierce and furious Soph 
 Shout in their savory canopy. 
 
 VII. 
 
 The combat deepens. On, ye brave, 
 And let the cooks the pieces save ! 
 Wave, Goodies, all your besoms wave ! 
 Inspire their souls with chivalry. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Ah ! few shall part where many meet 
 With anything but blows to eat, 
 And every dish beneath their feet 
 Shall be a supper's sepulchre. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 CANTO I. 
 
 THE ARGUMENT. 
 
 Invocation. Battle between the Sophomores and Freshmen 
 in Commons Hall. Doctor Pop endeavors to obtain a suspen- 
 sion of arms ; goes to Lord Bibo's study ; makes a speech. Sikes 
 also pours forth a torrent of eloquence. 
 
 TIME : Two hours on Sunday evening. 
 
 OLD Goody Muse ! on thee I call, 
 Pro more, (as do poets all,) 
 To string thy fiddle, wax thy bow, 
 And scrape a ditty, jig, or so. 
 Now don't wax wrathy, but excuse 
 My calling you old Goody Muse ; 
 Because " Old Goody " is a name 
 Applied to ev'ry College dame. 
 Aloft in pendent dignity, 
 Astride her magic broom. 
 
12 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 And wrapt in dazzling majesty, 
 See ! see ! the Goody come ! 
 Riding sublime on billowy air. 
 She tun'd her instrument with care ; 
 And that her voice and fiddle might 
 In mingling harmony unite, 
 She blow'd her nose and cried, ahem ! 
 To throw off maccaboy and phlegm : 
 Then, with slow melancholy, sung 
 How for a witch her ma' was hung ; 
 And with a doleful aspect blunder'd 
 Through half a stanza of " old hundred/' 
 
 She ceas'd, her misty mantle shook, 
 And from her magic pocket took 
 A box not such as that in story, 
 A gift from Jove to Miss Pandora ; 
 From which went forth as many ills, 
 As from a box of Conway's pills ; 
 No : it was filPd with vulgar stuff, 
 CalFd maccaboy, or headache snuff. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 13 
 
 Her pocket held another thing, 
 Which ancient dames do sometimes squeeze, 
 
 A bottle of New England sling, 
 Or any other kind you please ; 
 
 (For 't does not signify a pin, 
 
 Whether 't was brandy, rum, or gin ;) 
 Which, ever and anon, she 'd kiss 
 
 With smacking fondness and delight ; 
 Until her fancy, full of bliss, 
 
 Was fir'd to sing of deeds of might. 
 Her viol she attun'd anew ; 
 To lofty themes her fingers flew. 
 Hark ! the melodious sounds have ris'n ! 
 
 The spirits of the tuneful nine 
 
 Delay their dewy car, 
 In which they cleave the arch of Heav'n, 
 
 On their celestial harps recline, 
 
 And listen from afar ; 
 While thus she sung : One Sunday night 
 The Sophs and Freshmen had a fight. 
 
14 THE BEBELLIAD, 
 
 'T was when the beam that linger' d last 
 
 Its farewell ray on Harvard cast, 
 
 Or Sol, with night-cap on his head, 
 
 Was just a creeping into bed, 
 
 When Cookum told a boy to tell 
 
 Another boy to toll the bell, 
 
 To call the students to their tea. 
 
 As when a brood of pigs, who see 
 
 Their feeder with a pail of swill, 
 
 With which their maws they 're wont to fill, 
 
 Do squeal and grunt, and grunt and squeal, 
 
 In expectation of a meal ; 
 
 So they to commons did repair 
 
 And scramble, each one for his share : 
 
 When Nathan threw a piece of bread, 
 
 And hit Abijah on the head. 
 
 The wrathful Freshmen, in a trice, 
 
 Sent back another bigger slice ; 
 
 Which, being b utter' d pretty well, 
 
 Made greasy work where'er it fell. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 15 
 
 And thus arose a fearful battle ; 
 The coffee-cups and saucers rattle ; 
 The bread-bowls fly at woful rate, 
 And break many a learned pate. 
 As when a troop of town-school boys 
 Fall out and make a plaguy noise, 
 On either side the boldest close, 
 And kick and cuff with furious blows ; 
 While others, fearful of their bones, 
 Slink out of sight and fight with stones, 
 Although they now and then appear, 
 And rave heroic, curse and swear ; 
 But, when the danger comes, quick flee 
 Behind a neighb'ring wall or tree ; 
 Just so these learned sons of College 
 Did bruise their instruments of knowledge. 
 Regardless of their shins and pates, 
 The bravest seiz'd the butter plates, 
 And rushing headlong to the van, 
 Sustain' d the conflict man to man. 
 
16 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 There, in the thickest of the fight, 
 Did Nathan show such deeds of might, 
 As would have rais'd, in times of yore, 
 A statue o'er a tavern door ; 
 And 'Bijah, fearless of his foes, 
 Help'd many to a bloody nose. 
 From right to left these heroes fly 
 Until they catch each other's eye. 
 As when two ram-cats, fierce for fight, 
 Do bristle up with vengeful spite, 
 And, as the combat dread they dare, 
 With caterwaulings rend the air ; 
 So they, when each the other saw, 
 Their grinders grittingly did gnaw ; 
 And grumly growl'd, with dire intent, 
 As at it terribly they went. 
 First each uprais'd his brawny fist, a 
 And aim'd a deadly blow, but miss'd. 
 Then 'Bijah seiz'd a coffee-pot, 
 Surcharg'd with liquid boiling hot, 
 
 * Est milii fist-ula. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 17 
 
 And hurl'd it with such matchless force, 
 As smash' d two pitchers in its course ; 
 But Nathan dodg'd the mighty blow, b 
 And, turning quickly on his foe, 
 Repaid the visit with his foot, 
 Cas'd in a Mclntirian * boot. 
 Full drive it hit Abijaji's bum 
 And keel'd him over ; but his chum 
 Had wielded, in his just defence, 
 A bowl of vast circumference. 
 Ye Powers of Mud ! no mortal tongue 
 Can tell how all the College rung, 
 How stars did shoot from eye to eye, 
 How suns and moons flew flashing by, 
 When Nathan's thick-bon'd jobbernowl 
 Did come in contact with the bowl ! 
 
 * Carolus Mclntire, qui ocreas, quae Galoches necessitatem su- 
 persedent, facit, etc. Vid. Cat. Fac. Med. 
 
 b : ille ictum venientem a vertice velox 
 
 Praevidit, celerique elapsus corpore cessit. ^Eneid. v. 444. 
 
18 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 The foemen, likewise, in the rear. 
 On both sides valiantly appear ; 
 And fiercely brandishing on high 
 Their missiles, straightway let them fly ; 
 Though some there were, oh ! shame to say ! 
 Who fled like cowards from the fray, 
 And slily sneak' d behind the door, 
 Where they might safely bawl and roar ; 
 From whence they now and then did pop, 
 To throw a cup or tea-pot top. 
 
 Meantime, Old Pop,* as well he might, 
 Show'd many symptoms of affright. 
 With nervous haste he fill'd his cup, 
 And twice as hasty drank it up. 
 Now would he grin ; now stroke his face, 
 Or rub his shins, and stare at space. 
 But when the battle fiercer grew, 
 And groans with every milk-pot flew, 
 He thought th' Old Nick must be to pay 
 Thus to profane the Sabbath day. 
 
 * A professor or tutor went to commons with each class. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 19 
 
 His antique skull cap he did wield 
 
 To serve the purpose of a shield ; 
 
 For he, like learned Greeks of yore, 
 
 A something on his noddle wore, 
 
 Which, as occasion call'd, would do 
 
 For hat, casque, shield, and breastplate too : 
 
 In other parts, as th' Apostle saith, 
 
 His armor was the Christian faith. 
 
 He then to Freshman Hall * did creep, 
 And ventur'd, now and then, to peep. 
 Silent the Grecian stood, because 
 Amazing wonder held his jaws. d 
 At length he deeply groan' d within, 6 
 And cried, V2 TTOTTO*, how much sin ! 
 Upon the whole, he look'd so queer 
 The Juniors shouted in the rear ; f 
 
 * MS. Vandal Hall. The Freshmen were in No. 3, and the 
 Sophomores in No. 2 University Hall : Pop presided in No. 4, 
 with the Juniors. 
 
 c Nulla salus bello. JE. xi. 362. 
 
 d , et vox faucibus hsesit. JB. ii. 774. 
 
 e Turn vero ingentem gemitum dat ab pectore imo. JE. i. 485. 
 f It clamor ad alta. 
 
 Atria : jE. iv. 666. 
 
20 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Which, added to the noise within, 
 Made such a dreadful, clatt'ring din, 
 That all the folks in Cambridge swore 
 They never heard the like before. 
 The sun now veiPd his ruddy nose ; 
 Which brought the contest to a close. 
 The vanquished quit the well-fought field, 
 And to the victors vict'ry yield. 
 
 Go on, dear Goody ! and recite 
 
 The direful mishaps of the fight. 
 
 Alas ! how many on that eve, 
 
 O'er suppers lost, were doom'd to grieve ! 
 
 What daylights pummelPd black and blue ! 
 
 What noddles smear'd with goreless hue ! 
 
 How dishes did not float in blood, 
 
 As Noah's Ark did in the flood ! 
 
 What heroes fell to bite the bricks,* 
 
 Overthrown by bowls ! perchance by kicks I 
 
 * The floor of Commons Hall is made of bricks. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 21 
 
 How Pop was in a doleful pickle, 
 
 And how the Juniors it did tickle ! 
 
 But cease the touching chords to sweep, 
 
 For Mrs. Goff* has deign'd to weep ; 
 
 And shall not we bow down and lave 
 
 The wreath she twin'd around their grave? 
 
 Now, at the close of this affray, 
 The spirit mov'd Old Pop away, 
 In haste to see the President, 
 To let him know how matters went. 
 He sat : and looking sagely droll, 
 Let out the anguish of his soul : * 
 
 t, most rev'rend Sir ! 
 eg%onai your breast to stir ; 
 
 xkvdi ptv the business state, 
 c Which brought me here so very late. 
 c Nvv iyco fyco in this scroll 
 c Tovs fjgaas of Commons Hall ; 
 c 'Sl xaxoi, who just now did wage 
 ' Tov Ttohsfiov with woful rage. 
 
 * Mrs. Goff was formerly a cant phrase for any woman. 
 
22 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 * To SsLTtvov [iov, (my evening diet,) 
 
 c I lost and went to quell the riot ; 
 
 4 Kai pot [lev alvov a%os f}v 
 
 ^OcpOa^fjLOLs ei'deiv such a scene. 
 
 ' To ddnfios, as we say in Greek, 
 
 6 Would scarcely let a fellow speak ; 
 
 ' Till (3agv0TvdxG)v g within, 
 
 ' I cried T I2 nonoi, how much sin ! ' 
 
 He ceas'd : Old Bibo scarcely knew 
 
 On this occasion what to do. 
 
 At length, he thought it best to send 
 
 For Stkes, his oracle and friend ; 
 
 Who, having come and heard the case, 
 
 Put on a very thoughtful face. 
 
 Then Pop and Bibo took their chairs, 
 
 And plac'd them close to Dr. Sikes's : * 
 
 * We infer from our correspondence with the author, that the 
 real names were not used when the poem was delivered. Cases 
 will occur hereafter where they are required by the rhyme and 
 metre. 
 
 -, magnumque sub imo 
 
 Corde premit gemitum. ^E. x. 465. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 23 
 
 They sat in anxious fear and hope. 
 
 In expectation of a " scope ; ' 
 
 For, by his thoughtful phiz, they knew 
 
 He had a " gen'ral scope " * in view. 
 
 He thought and thought, full half an hour, 
 
 With all his cogitative power ; 
 
 Then with sly, though sapient look, 
 
 His glasses from their case he took, 
 
 And straddled them across his nose, 
 
 To dignify it, I suppose : 
 
 Then, in a whisper, thus began : h 
 
 6 I've hit upon a cunning plan, 
 
 c The " gen'ral scope " of which will show 
 
 ' These sinners what our power can do. 
 
 ' To-morrow morning let us meet, 
 
 c And on this subject fully treat ; 
 
 * A term very frequently used in the lectures and interroga- 
 tories of Dr. Sikes. It is related that the oft-invoked general ap- 
 peared one morning, to the great merriment of the students, 
 stained in full uniform upon the wall of the recitation room ; after 
 which his character gradually fell into disrepute, 
 h . s j c orsus : 
 
24 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 ' And those whose crimes are very great, 
 
 ' Let us suspend or rusticate ; 
 
 c The others let us only fine 
 
 ' Enough to buy ten pipes of wine/ 
 
 He said : when Bibo thus exclaim' d : 
 
 ' That 's you. Old Sikes, the scheme you 've 
 
 nam'd 
 
 ' I do approve with all my heart, 
 c Especially the latter part.' 
 Pop did not say he disapprov'd, 
 But answer 'd as the spirit mov'd ; 
 6 Joxia IJLBV it would be best 
 ' To go to bed, and take our rest. 
 c If, in my slumbers, I shall dream 
 ' Of any other better scheme, 
 c I '11 surely let you know.' He said : 
 And each retir'd forthwith to bed. 
 What speeches after these were made 
 In CANTO SECOND are display 'd. % 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 CANTO II. 
 
 THE ARGUME NT. 
 
 Government Meeting. Speech of Sikes. Pop's answer. 
 Genealogy of Logic ; his speech. Bibo summons the culprits to 
 appear in his august presence ; suspends three ; his speech to the 
 rest. Nathan's account of himself, and address to his comrades. 
 
 TIME : From Monday morning to noon. 
 
 The mistress of the morn got up,* 
 
 And paid a visit to her cup : 
 
 Whose all-refreshing virtue throws 
 
 A glaring lustre round her nose. 
 
 A rosy beam of light she strode. 
 
 And straight to Pop's apartment rode : 
 
 Directly steering to his couch, 
 
 She gave his head a gentle touch. 
 
 The hoarse, hard-sounding Greek within, 
 
 Set up a horrid gritting din ; 
 
 * Aurora now fair daughter of the dawn. Pope's Homer. 
 
26 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 The 3 and *P pell mell flew round, 
 And made a most infernal sound. 
 A noddle made of common stuff 
 Would soon have found it rather tough ; 
 But as for Pop, 't was his delight 
 To hear it morning, noon, and night. 
 But to return : the gentle tap 
 Awoke the Doctor from his nap. 
 He rose and dress' d without delay, 
 (No spouse had he to press his stay,) 
 And walk'd abroad to take the air 
 Until the time for morning prayer. 
 
 'T was Autumn rather out of season 
 For a poetical display 
 
 Of lovely nature : That 's the reason 
 Why I shall have no more to say 
 
 About the beauties that adorn, 
 Oh May ! thy glowing breast, 
 
 When first the rhubarb-color'd morn 
 Comes blushing from the east. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 27 
 
 In fine, the doctor took a stroll 
 In silent meditation ; 
 
 And, when he heard the prayer bell toll, 
 
 He ceas'd his ambulation. 
 The duties of his station done, 
 To Bibo's study straight he run. 
 < KvSidie, mighty President ! ! ! 
 c Kahcopev vvv the Government.' 
 Then Bibo kick'd his carpet thrice ; 
 Which brought his Freshman in a trice. 
 ' You little rascal ! go and call 
 4 The persons mention' d in this scroll.' 
 The fellow hearing scarcely feels 
 The ground, so quickly fly his heels. 
 Now, having all, with one accord, 
 Obey'd the summons of their lord, 
 As usual, in a great debate, 
 Lord Bibo took the chair of state : 
 In all the gravity of fat 
 And lazy dignity he sat. 
 
28 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 With phiz majestic as you please, 
 (Yet still he seem'd at perfect ease) 
 Upon his chair sublimely loll'd, 
 And thus on Sikes for counsel call'd : 
 c First your opinion you '11 declare, 
 
 c Si placet tibi Doctor Sikes.' 
 
 The Doctor fix'd his glasses on. 
 And look'd as wise as Solomon ; 
 Then queerly peeping round on each, 
 He thus sent forth his parts of speech : 
 ' The " scope " of what I have to state, 
 ' Is to suspend and rusticate ; 
 ' And, as I said last night, to fine 
 ' Enough to buy ten pipes of wine.' 
 He said : Old Pop his eye-balls roll'd, 
 To see if any would make bold 
 To answer : Seeing none, he rose, 
 And with his coat-sleeve wip'd his nose ; 
 Then slowly he began to speak 
 His sentiments in purest Greek : 
 
THE KEBELLIAD. 29 
 
 El vvv, quoth he, I might advise 
 c Kal I/A^V ngiGiv exercise, 
 ' I should (impstife) opine 
 < We had not better even fine ; 
 c Pag [iv (pihica nagd nav 
 6 That golden rule, ^Sev ayav.' 
 He ceas'd, but scarce had gain'd his seat 
 When Logic got upon his feet. 
 But what he said you '11 hear in time, 
 If Logic will descend to rhyme. 
 With truly philosophic heat, 
 An iron anvil once he beat ; 
 But Daddy thought he was not made 
 To rust at such a humble trade ; 
 So sent his hopeful son to College, 
 (This line of course must end with knowledge) 
 To blow his genius, and set fire on 
 A better anvil than cold ir-on. 
 Now Master of the Arts, this youth 
 Began to hammer one of truth. 
 
30 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 In fine, he was a blacksmith once, 
 And thence turn'd metaphysic dunce. 
 The goosequill, which he likewise took, 
 In twenty years produced a Book ; * 
 Yet so diminutive in size, 
 
 'T is scarcely worth a d n your eyes. 
 
 But, 'mid the blazes of his pen, 
 
 He ne'er forgot his ten-pound-ten ; 
 
 For, in all logical debates, 
 
 His lungs as bellows he inflates ; 
 
 And with high sounding words doth puff 
 
 Till argument grow hot enough ; 
 
 Then beats his hands with so much force, 
 
 You 'd think he meant to shoe a horse. 
 
 But now ? t is time to turn about, 
 
 And hear this son of Vulcan spout : 
 
 c I think what brother Sikes has said, 
 
 ' Has hit the nail upon the head. 
 
 c Ten pipes of wine, in these hard times, 
 
 ' Are seldom got for scholars' crimes ; 
 
 * Hedge's Logic. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 31 
 
 c For times ar'nt as they us'd to was, 
 
 c For this plain reason : hem ! because.' 
 
 He said : They could not but assent 
 
 To such a knock-down argument. 
 
 Wherefore Lord Bibo sent for all 
 
 Of those who fought in Commons Hall ; 
 
 Who to his study quick repair 
 
 And knock. ' Come in/ c Sir, here we are/ 
 
 c So I perceive ; and wish to know 
 
 c What set you all a-fighting so ; 
 
 c You have committed an offence, 
 
 c And now must take the consequence. 
 
 < Here is the law. All those who fight, 
 
 c Especially on Sunday night, 
 
 c Into the country shall be sent, 
 
 ' By these our noble government. 
 
 c Now, since you are so many, we 
 
 c Shall rusticate but two or three, 
 
 ' And fine the rest a heavy sum, 
 
 c To make you mind for times to come. 
 
32 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 ' So Corbett, King, and Pratt,* come near ; 
 
 < You were the leaders, as I hear : 
 
 < Come, take these three suspension papers ; 
 
 6 They '11 teach you how to cut such capers/ 
 
 He said : then turning to the rest, 
 
 Each one and all he thus address' d : 
 
 c And so you fought ; and do you think, 
 
 c At such behavior I shall wink ! 
 
 6 No : should I pass such conduct by, 
 
 6 Our Treasurer would almost die ; 
 
 ' We all should lose our good repute, 
 
 ' And I, my perquisites to boot. 
 
 * Or did ye think the laws were made 
 
 * On purpose to be disobey'd, 
 ' Whenever ye see fit to box, 
 
 c And treat each other with dry knocks ! 
 
 c Did I not jaw the Government, 
 
 4 For cheating more than ten per cent ; 
 
 * All of the Sophomore class. The Freshmen were regarded 
 as having acted on the defensive. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 33 
 
 c And did I not at Cookum rage, 
 6 For cooking sheep that died of age ; 
 ' And would ye thus repay my care, 
 ' By " breaking of the crock'ry ware ! " 
 c Did I not promise those who fish'd 
 4 And pimp'd most any part they wish'd ; 
 * And would ye thus reward my pains, 
 c By knocking out each other's brains ! 
 c I say ye are a stubborn crew, 
 ' And admonitions will not do ; 
 c You must be fin'd a heavy sum, 
 c To make you mind for time to come.' 
 He ceas'd : then told them to depart ; 
 Which they obey'd with willing heart ; 
 But, when they got to College Yard, 
 With one accord they all huzza' d. 
 Then Nathan, who was much inclin'd 
 To make a boast of being fin'd, 
 With graceful declamation flung 
 These modest accents from his tongue : 
 
34 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 c My name is Nathan ! In a Southern State, 
 c My mother brought me forth ; a tidy dame, 
 
 < Whose constant cares were at her ease to 
 
 live, 
 
 6 And keep her darling son, myself, at school. 
 6 But I had heard of College, and I long'd 
 c To cut some caper there of worthy note ; 
 
 < And chance has granted what the laws forbid. 
 ' The bell which rung last night to call us forth 
 ' To supper, scarce had ceas'd its jingling 
 
 sound 
 
 ' When I discharg'd a piece of bread, and hit 
 ' Abijah on his lousy cranium. 
 c The foe enrag'd, advancing with his friends, 
 c fcommenc'd the fearful onset. I alone, 
 c With cups and saucers, plates and tea-pots, 
 
 arm'd, 
 ' Withstood the host ; and, ere a dish was 
 
 thrown, 
 ' A kick from my great toe overthrew their 
 
 chief; 
 
THE BEBELLIAD. 35 
 
 ' Who wore that night the Hat which now I 
 
 wear. 
 ' But quick his chum with mighty vengeance 
 
 flung 
 
 6 A wash-bowl plump against my noddle ; but, 
 c Thanks to its thickness, did not fracture it ; 
 c For if he had, I should not now be here 
 e To tell how valiantly I battPd it. 
 c Heroic comrades ! how shall I 
 ' Do justice to your chivalry ! 
 c The glory of your skill in fight, 
 c Will last as long as day and night ; 
 c You '11 be belov'd, for years to come, 
 c By half the girls in Christendom ; 
 c For, when they hear the tale of woe, 
 c Of being pummelPd by the foe, 
 4 Oh ! how they '11 mourn and sympathize, 
 ' And pump the water from their eyes ! 
 c And then, again, when you do tell 
 ' How many by your valor fell, 
 
36 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 4 They '11 praise your courage to the skies, 
 
 c And almost burst themselves with sighs. 
 
 c Then talk of love ; a subject which 
 
 c Will make most any woman itch 
 
 ' Alas ! my words will scarce convey 
 
 c One half of what I wish to say. 
 
 c But who, for pleasure so divine, 
 
 6 Would murmur at a paltry fine ? ' 
 
 He said : with shouts the College rung, 
 
 As the sounds melted from his tongue. 
 
 Events which afterwards occurr'd 
 
 You '11 find display'd in CANTO THIRD. 
 
THE REBELLIAP. 
 
 CANTO III. 
 
 THE ARGUMENT. 
 
 Bad Treatment of Touchy : his choler ; and the metamorphosis 
 occasioned by it ; he frightens Bibo. Two more suspensions ; in 
 consequence of which the Sophomores rebel. The harp. The 
 dance. Speech of Nathan. Episode containing two songs. 
 
 TIME : From Monday noon to night. 
 
 To Commons Hall, these lusty sinners 
 Did now repair to eat their dinners. 
 And made a more confounded rout, 
 Than if all Bedlam had broke out. 
 Then Touchy rose, in woful anger, 
 To see if he could stop the clangor ; 
 But, in a manner quite uncivil, 
 They hiss'd and scrap' d him like the Devil. 
 This added fuel to his wrath, 
 As pepper does to mutton broth. 
 
38 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 The culprits trembled a at his look, b 
 And ev'ry joint within them shook : 
 To such a height their terrors grew. 
 They even thought his breath was blue. 
 Some say, the lightning of his ire c 
 Envelop' d all his face in fire. 
 As this was not the case, we '11 make 
 It plain how they did thus mistake. 
 His snout resembles, in its hue, 
 A red-hot poker to the view ; 
 And now the Brandy, I suppose, 
 Did sparkle brightly on his nose ; 
 Which they mistook to be a flame 
 Of real fire upon the same. 
 Now was a fearful, awful pause ; 
 When op'ning wide his lanthorn jaws, 
 These words rumbled from his belly : 
 < Ye shall repent of this, I tell ye ! ' 
 
 Cecidere animi. M. iii. 260. 
 
 b Monstrum, horrendum, informe, ingens. ^E. iii. 658. 
 e Gravis ira et. JE. v. 781. 
 
THE KEBELLIAD. 
 
 Then out he rush'd, to Bibo went, 
 
 And to his fury thus gave vent : 
 
 ' I swear, by all the powers d above, 
 
 c By all the liquors that I love, 
 
 ' By Jingo, Beelzebub, and Judas, 
 
 c I will not bear such d d foul ludus.' 
 
 While thus he rav'd in sore surprise, 
 
 Lord Bibo rose and rubb'd his eyes ; 
 
 For he (a thing not very rare) 
 
 A nap was taking in his chair ; 
 
 And, when he saw the sight before him, 
 
 He thought 't was Satan come to bore him. 
 
 'T is said he was in such a fright, 
 
 That ev'ry hair 6 did stand upright ; 
 
 His teeth did chatter ; and his knees 
 
 Did rattle like his bunch of keys. 
 
 But what was worse, his faithless breath 
 
 Forsook the bulwark of his teeth, 
 
 d Numma magna vocat. JE. iii. 264. 
 
 8 Arrectaeque horrore comae. JE. iv, 280. 
 
40 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 rather seem'd inclined to send 
 His parts of speech from t'other end/ 
 Then Touchy rais'd his voice on high, 
 And at the gaping wight let fly : 
 c 'T is well you are the President 
 ' Of Harvard College Government ; 
 c Or else, you would ere now have had 
 6 A visit from my - magnum ad. 
 4 You sleepy coward, don't you see, 
 
 < That I am no one else but me ? 
 6 1 tell you I 've been vilely us'd 
 ' And most infernally abus'd : 
 
 c And, if you don't revenge my cause 
 ' With all the vigor of the laws, 
 
 < I swear by Hadley, and by Cain, 
 
 ' You ne'er shall taste my wine again/ 
 He said : Lord Bibo scarce believ'd 
 He could have been so much deceiv'd. 
 
 < How glad I am to get off thus, 
 
 * And that the matter is no worse. 
 
 Magno discordes sethere venti 
 
 Proelia ceu tollunt. JE. x. 356. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 41 
 
 c Now if you will devoutly swear 
 
 c You will not mention this affair, 
 
 c I promise, in return, to do 
 
 c Exactly as you wish me to. 
 
 c You gave me such a sudden start 
 
 c I could not help but *** * **** ; 
 
 c For wind will always find a vent 
 
 c When in too small a compass pent : 
 
 c Especially when frequent use 
 
 ' Has made the sphincter rather loose/ 
 
 Sir Touchy, glad to do so well, 
 
 Devoutly swore he would not tell : 
 
 ' In recompense, I do insist,' 
 
 Quoth he, c that two, who scrap'd and hiss'd, 
 
 c Shall be condemn' d without a jury 
 
 6 To pass the winter months in rure.' 
 
 Lord Bibo to the thing agreed, 
 
 And sent his Freshman off full speed, 
 
 To summon Manigault and Gorham * 
 
 To take their profiles to the forum. 
 
 * Sophomores. 
 
42 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Meanwhile, their dinners being ended, 
 The fellows who had been suspended, 
 With stylish equipage, prepare 
 To snuff the bracing country air. 
 Their comrades, in the usual mode, 
 Had all assembled near the road, 
 When King appear 'd : his mettled steed 
 ('T was one he hir'd of Jimmy Read) 
 Bore off the chaise with Pythian speed ; 
 And when he got to College Yard, 
 His waiting comrades all huzza'd, 
 And strain' d their lungs with all their might 
 Until the chaise was out of sight. 
 Then Pratt and Corbett * both rode by, 
 Amidst a dreadful hue and cry. 
 Their fiery courser scour'd the plain, 
 And scarce obey'd the curbing rein ; 
 And, flying like a mighty wind, s 
 Soon left the noisy chaps behind. 
 
 * Sophomores. 
 
 s vel equo praevertere ventos. jE. xii. 345. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 43 
 
 The farewell clamors of the crowd 
 Through Harvard's Halls were echoing loud. 
 When full before th' assembled crew. 
 Lord Bibo's Freshman hove in view. 
 With vast importance, straight he took 
 A paper from his pocketbook ; 
 And, standing high upon the wall, 
 Roar'd out as loud as he could bawl : 
 ' Thus says your lord the President : 
 ' Whereas, for some perverse intent, 
 6 Sir Touchy has been vilely us'd, 
 ' And most infernally abus'd ; 
 
 < Moreover, as it doth appear, 
 
 6 From evidence both good and clear, 
 6 That Manigault did scrape and hiss, 
 
 * And otherwise behave amiss, 
 
 * And Gorham, likewise, did the same 
 4 Without a proper sense of shame ; 
 
 4 1 hereby notify them both, 
 
 < That, by my honor and my troth, 
 
44 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 ' They shall receive due punishment 
 
 < From Harvard College Government ; 
 
 < O'er which, with such majestic pride/ 
 ' I have the honor to preside : 
 
 c So, therefore, let them both appear, 
 
 c And suffer as I threaten here.' 
 
 Now, when they heard the stern command, 
 
 They took each other by the hand, 
 
 And bravely went to meet their fate ; 
 
 Their comrades waiting at the gate. 
 
 Arriving at Lord Bibo's study, 
 
 They thought they 'd be a little bloody : * 
 
 So, with a bold, presumptuous look, 
 
 An honest pinch of snuff they took. 
 
 Hereat Lord Bibo was dismay'd, 
 
 And thought his case had been betray'd ; 
 
 For he conceiv'd they took the snuff, 
 
 (And with some reason sure enough,) 
 
 To drive away the pungent fume, 
 
 That filPd the contents of the room.f 
 
 * Formerly a College term for daring, rowdy, impudent, 
 f Vid. p. 40. 1. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 45 
 
 So opening wide his mutton chops, 
 This speech therefrom directly hops : 
 ' I '11 tell you what : your crime is this, 
 c That Touchy you did scrape and hiss ; 
 c And, as your guilt doth plain appear 
 c From evidence both good and clear, 
 c By my official power, I swear, 
 c That you shall smell the country air.' 
 He said : in vengeance shook his pate, 
 And gave the bills that seal'd their fate ; 
 Which they receiving, forthwith went 
 And told their comrades the event. 
 Then Nathan rose, (now you must know 
 That he was chum to Manigault,) 
 And roar'd as loud as he could yell, 
 c Come on, my lads, let us rebel ! ' 
 As when, upon a rainy day, 
 A person takes some straw or hay 
 To burn a chimney, that has been 
 For some months foul, say nine or ten, 
 
46 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 He puts it on the fire, when high 
 The blaze doth up the chimney fly ; 
 Just so the magic of the sound 
 Shot sympathetic fire around. 
 With one accord they all agree 
 To dance around Rebellion Tree. 
 
 O Orpheus ! * boast thy moving strains no 
 
 more ; 
 
 Let thy New-Holland Fiddle be unstrung : 
 Such touching, moving strains, were never 
 sung, 
 
 By harpers blind, or fiddlers drunk, before. 
 For hark ! the Harp of Charley Wallis f 
 Breathes its sweet harmony from Hollis. 
 Inspired with ecstasy of feeling, 
 Each pig in town sets up a squealing : 
 
 * Thus Poets tell us how one Mr. Orpheus 
 Led' a rude forest to a country dance, and 
 Played the brisk tune of Yankee Doodle on a 
 New Holland Fiddle. Old Ballad. 
 
 f A small boy who used to play on the jews-harp and dance a 
 hornpipe for two cents, cash down. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 47 
 
 The Goodies hearing, cease to sweep, 
 And listen ; while the Cook-maids weep : 
 The Juniors scarce can stay their feet h 
 From beating time to tones so sweet ; 
 And sneaking Freshmen stare and gape, 
 As if they meant to eat the Harp. 
 But oh ! the Sophs ! their frantic yells 
 Were louder, far, than lecture bells. 
 They form'd a ring about the Tree, 
 And to this solemn oath agree : 
 ' By this Almighty Plant, we swear ! 
 ' We will not flinch a single hair 
 4 Until the laws of College rot, 
 ' And Government is sent to pot.' 
 This done, they each one seiz'd a twig, 
 The garland of the Rebel Jig. 
 Now round the furious dance begins, 1 
 With no slight damage to their shins. 
 
 h And the black fiddler play'd them such a tune as 
 Set them all a frisking. Old Ballad. 
 
 1 Nunc pede libero 1 
 
 Pulsanda tellus. Hor. Carm. L. 1. xxxvii. 1. 
 
48 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Those measur'd steps by masters taught. 
 Were altogether set at naught. 
 Pell-mell they flew without regard 
 To kicks and cuffs, however hard. 
 Helter skelter, harrum scarum, 
 Naught but death could now debar 'em. 
 They beat the ground j an hour or more 
 With Blows it never felt before ; 
 Till tir'd, at last, they thought it best 
 To stop awhile, and take some rest. 
 Now solemn silence k reign' d throughout, 
 When Nathan thus began to spout : 
 c Beloved friends, and comrades dear ! 
 ' I pray you lend a list'ning ear 
 < To what I now propose to say 
 c Upon the subject of the day. 
 ' In times of yore, we understand, 
 c When rulers got the upper hand, 
 
 j Alterno terram quatiunt pede. Hor. Carm. L. 1. iv. 7. 
 k Conticuere omnes intentique ora tenebant. ^E. ii. 1. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 49 
 
 ' And plied the people hard with cuffings, 
 
 6 Like packs of greasy ragamuffins, 
 
 c The people us'd to turn about, 
 
 c And knock the rulers' daylights out : 
 
 c So we will stop in mid career 
 
 c Our pedagogues who domineer ; 
 
 6 And not recede a single jot, 
 
 c Till Government is sent to pot. 1 
 
 c Then will the College have its name 
 
 c Enrolled upon the lists of fame, 
 
 c And flourish, like a green bay ass, 
 
 ' High fed upon his native grass. * 
 
 c See your banner proudly flying 
 c O'er the dread carnage made in Commons 
 Hall! 
 
 c There behold it, still defying 
 
 * " Dead and yellow was the grass in College Yard, when Hig- 
 ginson arose : like a Phoenix arose he from the ashes of Gannett. 
 He ambulated through the Yard : he carried his cane : he wore 
 breeches : he brushed the dust from the withered herbage, and 
 high grass sprang up wheresoever he set his foot." Ossian. 
 
 1 Pot-um pastas age capellas. 
 
50 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 6 The Freshman's rage and rude oppression's 
 
 squall. 
 
 c The spirits of the brave, 
 'O'er whom it long shall wave, 
 ' Seem whisp'ring from their grave, 
 < " You stand united, but divided fall." ' 
 He said : then look'd around, mayhap, 
 To see if some one would not clap ; 
 But seeing none, he thus resum'd : 
 ' My friends, it must not be presum'd, 
 ' That we can lay our tyrants low, 
 ' Without a most infernal blow. 
 ' Now, as it is so very late 
 ' That nothing can be done of weight, 
 c I move we quietly repose, 
 c While shades of night around us close ; 
 c But soon as " Sol has wash'd his face, 
 c And greas'd his wheels to run his race," 
 c Then will we bravely fight the laws, 
 ' Until they sink beneath our cause. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 51 
 
 ' Or, should you like it better, I 
 
 ' Will go to Warland's bye and bye. 
 
 6 For Brandy, Wine, Cigars, and Cherry, 
 
 ' And all things that are necessary 
 
 * To render us " particularly merry." 
 
 He ceas'd : with shouts his speech was heard ; 
 
 The latter method was preferred. 
 
 THE TREAT, AN EPISODE. 
 
 'T was evening ; and the blue mist, flowing 
 Majestic from the foaming main, 
 
 Uncurl' d its rising train ; 
 Through whose light folds sweet Cynthia 
 
 glowing, 
 With softest tints of silver dress'd 
 
 The bosom of the west. 
 The Sophs, beneath Rebellion Tree, 
 Were blowing it right merrily. 
 
52 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 'The wine was good ; the noise was great. 
 
 And all were in a merry state. 
 
 The soul of Nathan straight was fir'd ; 
 
 His lips with music were inspir'd ; 
 
 And melody was on his tongue, 
 
 As thus in strains sublime he sung : 
 
 SONG I. 
 
 NATHAN'S ADDRESS TO THE REBELS. 
 I. 
 
 Sophs wha' ha' in Commons fed ! 
 Sophs wha' ha' in Commons bled ! 
 Sophs wha' ne'er from Commons fled ! 
 Puddings, steaks, or wines ! 
 
 II. 
 
 Now 's the day and now 's the hour : 
 See approach old Sikes's power ! 
 See the front of Logic tower ! 
 
 Screws, dead sets, and fines ! 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 53 
 
 III. 
 
 Who would let a Tutor knave 
 Screw him like a Guinea slave ! 
 Who would Jish a fine to save ! 
 Let him turn and flee. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Who will recitations miss ! 
 Who will bully, scrape, and hiss ! 
 Who, I say, will do all this ! 
 Let him follow me. 
 
 v. 
 
 By the shins of Doctor Pop ! 
 By this wine from Warland's shop ! 
 We will drain it to a drop ! 
 But we will be free. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Let your glasses overflow ; 
 Drink the health of Manigault ; 
 c Liberty '& in ev'ry blow ; ' 
 Let us do or die ! 
 
54 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 He ceas'd : huzzas and hats arise 
 
 Both simultaneous to the skies : 
 
 Ne'er was there such a noise before, 
 
 For fifteen minutes, or for more. 
 
 Then Caleb felt a genial glee, 
 
 And tun'd his pipes harmoniously, 
 
 The Words came gulping through his fat, 
 
 As if he just had swallow'd 
 A camel, or at least, a gnat, 
 
 Which in his belly wallow' d. 
 
 SONG II. 
 
 AIR, WREATHS FOR THE CHIEFTAIN. 
 I. 
 
 Wreaths to the Chiefs, who our rights have 
 
 defended ; 
 
 Hallow' d and bless' d be the Liberty Tree ; 
 Where Lenox* his pies, 'neath its shelter, 
 
 hath vended, 
 
 We Sophs have assembled, and sworn to 
 be free. 
 
 * Black man who sold pies and cakes. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 55 
 
 Sons of the rebel race ! 
 
 Never your names disgrace ; 
 Ne'er may your garland be crush'd by your 
 foes. 
 
 When Wallis strikes the tune. 
 
 Shuffle it, and rigadoon, 
 As if the Old Nick had bedevil'd your toes. 
 
 II. 
 Remember your deeds when the conflict was 
 
 pending, 
 The bruises, the kicks, and the cuffs that 
 
 you gave : 
 
 Remember the cries of the wounded ascend- 
 ing* 
 As grunting and sprawling they lay on their 
 
 grave. 
 
 Bloody shins and broken pates, 
 Coffee-cups and butter-plates, 
 Yells, screams, and milk-pots, all chequer the 
 
 fray ! 
 
56 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Still is the Freshman's moan ;* 
 Silent the Grecian's f groan ; 
 Drown'd in the racket and noise of the day. 
 
 The Sophs thus pass'd the time along. 
 With shouting, blowing, and with song, 
 Until my Muse put on her cap, 
 And went to bed to take a nap. 
 Now, if you only will proceed 
 With patience CANTO FOURTH to read, 
 You '11 find recorded deeds too bold 
 For the tail end of this to hold. 
 
 * A Freshman, during his first term, is an object of reproach 
 though your friend. Hostilities between the Sophomore and Fresh- 
 man classes ceased with the battle in Commons, and both united 
 to oppose the first action of the College Government relative to it. 
 
 f Pop's, 
 
THE EEBELLIAD. 
 
 CANTO IV. 
 
 THE ARGUME NT. 
 
 Nathan's speech. Doctor Pop makes an unsuccessful attempt 
 to drive the Sophs to their rooms. Government meeting. Mrs. 
 Logic's eloquence. Screwem. Pop. Gin. The Goody. 
 An Episode. The Spy's retreat. Riot Act. The Sophs leave 
 College. The Canto ends with their return. 
 
 TIME : From Tuesday morning to night. 
 
 The Sun, as if asham'd to rise, 
 Had put a veil before his eyes, 
 And cloth' d his visage with a scowl ; 
 In other words, the morn was foul, 
 When yawning Sophs their beds forsook, 
 And more decisive measures took. 
 As soon as breakfasting was o'er, 
 They all collect round Commons door ; 
 When Nathan rose above the rest, 
 And thus the rebel crew address' d : 
 
58 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 < If we our tyrants would subdue, 
 
 * We must some other course pursue. 
 
 c So let us all devoutly swear 
 
 c We '11 not attend another prayer 
 
 c " We swear. Huzza ! Huzza ! ! Huzza ! ! !" 
 
 c And with our tutors be at war. 
 
 c At ev'ry corner let us hiss 'em ; 
 
 6 And as for recitations miss 'em ; 
 
 ' And should the Government expel 
 
 c A single soul that dares rebel, 
 
 c With " birches " we will baste their hides, 
 
 c And " tar and feather " them besides. 
 
 c I '11 bravely follow Glory's call ; 
 
 c And, should it be my lot to fall, 
 
 c I '11 bellow with my latest breath, 
 
 c " Oh ! give me Liberty or Death." 
 
 He said : with acclamatious loud, 
 
 His speech was greeted by the crowd ; 
 
 Their yells resound from pole to pole, 
 
 And hats around their noddles roll 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 59 
 
 At each applauding shout. The cheers 
 Saluted Pop's devoted ears. a 
 The Doctor's nerves began to twitch, 
 As if he 'd seen a ' Lapland Witch.' 
 He sallied with reluctance sore ; 
 His phiz a fathom long or more ; 
 His mouth wide open ; and his eyes, 
 Full twenty times their common size. 
 As when a farmer's pigs break loose, 
 And round the turnip garden cruise, 
 They squeal and grunt, in ' astute style,' 
 Like Mr. Kemble, all the while ; 
 But when the farmer's wife perceives 
 The turnips plunder 'd by the thieves, 
 She takes a broomstick in her hand, 
 To drive them from the Holy Land ; 
 While they run here and there, yet still 
 Stick by, resolv'd their guts to fill ; 
 
 a cum clamor ad aures 
 
 Pervenit. M. ix. 395. 
 
60 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Just so the Sophs the Doctor bother, 
 First steering one way, then the other ; 
 He follow'd closely at their bums, 
 Resolv'd to drive them to their rooms ; 
 But they, Rebellious Rascals ! flee 
 For shelter to Rebellion Tree ; 
 And there with one accord they stop, 
 And vow they '11 stay in spite of Pop. 
 Now when he found it labor lost, 
 To try to drive them from their post, 
 He to the Council Hall did sneak, 
 Muttering all the way in Greek. 
 He found already muster'd there 
 Lord Bibo, Touchy, Screwem, Ware, 
 Gad Norton, Willard, Logic, Sparks, 
 And all the other College sharks. 
 Lord Bibo, scratching first his pate, 
 Thus sagely open'd the debate : 
 6 If any counsellor can shew 
 6 The method we had best pursue 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 61 
 
 c To quell these rebels, let him do it ; 
 
 6 And I will certainly pursue it. 
 
 c Before, however, we begin, 
 
 6 Let 's take a glass of Holland Gin, 
 
 c By way of moistening our clay, 
 
 ' And thinking clearly what to say.' 
 
 Then Logic started from his breech, 
 
 And thus evolv'd his parts of speech : 
 
 6 To this assembly I '11 allege 
 
 6 The arguments of Mrs. Logic ; b 
 
 c Whom I consulted while abed, 
 
 c Upon this all-important head. 
 
 c Dear soul ! how ready to assist me ! ' 
 
 c " My dear," quoth she, and then she kiss'd 
 
 me, 
 
 c " You know I am a faithful wife, 
 ' And love you as I do my life ; 
 ' So, therefore, hearken you, I pray, 
 c To what your loving wife shall say. 
 
 b Logic non convenit : corrige, lector. 
 
62 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 f If any of this Rebel crew 
 
 ' Has twice as many brains as you, 
 
 ' Or, are there some who scrape and hiss 
 
 c Because you never give a miss, 
 
 c You could not have a better time 
 
 c To rusticate them for the crime." 
 
 ' Thus spake my wife, * and I should say 
 
 * You could not do a better way, 
 
 c Than to suspend and rusticate 
 
 e Whomever you have cause to hate/ 
 
 Thus ends this mighty speech of speeches ; 
 
 And Logic fairly lost his breeches ; 
 
 Although, it seems, for them he got 
 
 A pair of horns and petticoat. 
 
 Then Screwem rose, and, with a bow, 
 
 Shook demonstration from his brow. 
 
 < Most noble peers' Stop ! while I think 
 
 on 't, 
 I '11 give you a description of the man ; 
 
 * Frequent reference to his wife's opinions is said to have been 
 one of Logic's many peculiarities. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 63 
 
 But, not to throw away much ink on 't, 
 I ' 11 be as brief and modest as I can. 
 In nature he is more profound, 
 Than all the naturals around. 
 His eye intuitively can trace 
 The void infinities of space ; 
 He knows how fast a man would ride, 
 A comet's fiery tail astride. 
 In mathematic learning, too, 
 He is excell'd by none, or few ; 
 He ciphered Vulgar Fractions through. 
 And overcame the Golden Rule 
 Before he ever went to School ; 
 And, even, some presume to say, 
 That he can tell by Algebra 
 How many seconds make a day ; 
 For he has added to a T 
 The letters A+B+C. 
 All this his little head contains, 
 To mention nothing of his brains. 
 
64 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 But to return : c Most noble peers/ 
 Quoth he, ' I pray you lend your ears/ 
 
 c At what per cent ! ' cried Doctor Pop. 
 This sudden interruption brought 
 
 The speaker to so queer a stop, 
 As set all gravity at naught. 
 6 Huzza ! ' cried Bibo, good ! Old Boy ! 
 ' A joke is born ; I give you joy. 
 < Fill, b fill each tumbler to the brim, 
 ' And let the jest in liquor swim. 
 
 c Friend Sikes, what say you, may we hope 
 
 
 c You '11 join us in a " gen'ral scope " ? ' 
 
 c These " Scopes," ' said Pop, c we well can 
 
 spare, 
 
 c They being rather worse for wear. 9 
 duoth Ware,* ' I take your joke in fun, 
 ' And, for the present, owe you one/ 
 c I do not like,' said Pop, ' to trust, 
 6 But, on the whole, suppose I must ; 
 
 * Sikes. 
 
 b Ac vina liquentia fundit. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 65 
 
 c Unless you call on brother Logic,* 
 
 c A pun to hammer with his sledge/ 
 
 c What ! I,' cried Logic, c make a pun ! 
 
 6 It is a thing I 've never done : 
 
 ' My Wife and Stewart, Locke and Clarke, 
 
 6 (And I agree in their remark,) 
 
 ' Assert that puns of ev'ry kind 
 
 6 Are symptoms of a shiftless mind/ 
 
 He said : the Doctor look'd so queer 
 
 7 T was plain he 'd caught a new idea ; 
 
 But rather seem'd to have a doubt 
 
 Whether 't would do to let it out : 
 
 But finally he thought it best, 
 
 And thus the sentiment express' d : 
 
 6 What Mrs. Logic, Locke and you 
 
 ' And Clarke and Stewart say, is true, 
 
 c Perhaps ; but I can surely find 
 
 c A thing more shiftless than the mind. 
 
 * Corrige. 
 
66 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 c A woman in a state of nature, 
 
 c Is truly a more shift-less creature/ 
 
 ' My gin/ cried Bibo, c must be good 
 
 ' To put friend Pop in such a mood ! ' 
 
 ' Good ! ' cried the Doctor, ' I protest, 
 
 ' Of gin, I think it is the best. 
 
 ' Thucydides may go to grass, 
 
 c And Homer with him, for a glass : 
 
 ' It is delicious ; why, a bottle 
 
 c Has fairly routed Aristotle. 
 
 c Such is its influence, in short, 
 
 ' That Greek of ev'ry kind and sort, 
 
 ' Has wholly vanish' d from my mind/ 
 
 c So has, (said Screwem, with a leer, 
 
 Stretching his mouth from ear to ear,) 
 
 4 So has my speech from mine I find. 
 
 ' Well, well/ Pop answer' d, with a grin, 
 
 ' Accuse not me, but blame the gin. 
 
 c Come, Bibo, fill our tumblers full, 
 
 ' And let us take another pull. 
 
THE RBBELLIAD. 67 
 
 ' Here 's hoping, Jack,* you soon may wed 
 
 c A warm companion for your bed ! 
 
 ' May sons and daughters crown your flame, 
 
 ' And may her deeds belie her name. 
 
 6 1 don't conceive,' cried Bibo : c pray, 
 
 ' Explain the vim of what you say/ 
 
 ' Well then/ said Pop, 'may Venus spare her 
 
 c From being more than nine months farrar. 9 
 
 He said, and down the liquor quafFd ; 
 
 And long and loud Lord Bibo laugh'd. 
 
 THE GOODY, AN EPISODE. 
 
 Though Goody was no longer young, 
 Yet still in College Yard she sung ; 
 And oft the Tutors gather' d round, 
 To listen to the magic sound ; 
 By turns they felt the glowing mind 
 To be harmoniously inclined ; 
 And now, 't is said, w T hen all were fir'd, 
 With Brandy, Blackstrop, Gin inspired, 
 
 * Farrar. 
 
68 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 They snatch' d from the surrounding thistles 
 Fiddles, warming-pans, and whistles ; 
 And, as they all had heard apart 
 Sweet lessons of her grating art, 
 Each (for madness rul'd the hour) 
 Would prove his own ear-rending power. 
 
 First Sikes to try his skill appeared, 
 
 And on a crazy fiddle play'd ; 
 But back recoil' d all those who heard 
 
 The horrid discord that he made. 
 
 Next Screwem to the contest sprung, 
 And roird his phrenzied eye around ; 
 
 With one rude clash the fiddle rung, 
 And dash'd it, shattered, to the ground. 
 
 With woful phiz and quite demure, 
 Sharks humm'd a melancholy air ; 
 
 By fits and starts, he struck a skewer ; 
 By starts and fits, he made a prayer. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 69 
 
 But thou ! O Pop ! with jolly grin, 
 What was thy delighted measure ? 
 Still it whisper'd promised pleasure. 
 
 And bade Lord Bibo hand the mug about ! 
 Still would his throat the draught prolong, 
 And, when he 'd drain'd the liquor out, 
 
 He calFd on Bibo yet through all his song ; 
 And, as some lively theme he chose, 
 
 A cry of < Fill again/ was heard at ev'ry close; 
 
 And Pop, enchanted, smiFd and wav'd a glass 
 of gin. 
 
 And longer had he sung ; but with a frown, 
 
 Touchy impatient rose : 
 
 He threw his empty glass in thunder down, 
 And, with a with'ring look, 
 The deaf 'ning Engine trumpet took, 
 And blew a blast so loud and dread, 
 That Hollis from its centre shook, 
 
 And dogs and cats, aghast with terror, fled ! 
 And, ever and anon, he beat 
 A warming-pan with furious heat ; 
 
70 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 And though, sometimes, each dreary pause 
 
 between, 
 
 The little pig beneath his heel 
 Continued lustily to squeal, 
 Yet still he drumm'd with unabated zeal, 
 And all within a mile to stop their ears were 
 seen. 
 
 Thy numbers, Oilman, were confin'd to 
 
 nought ! ! 
 Alas ! he must have felt forlorn ! 
 
 For now, a squeaking fife he caught ; 
 And now, a jews-harp seiz'd ; then, raving, 
 
 took a horn. 
 
 Lo ! far remote, and all alone, 
 Gad Norton sat upon a stone ; 
 And, though he didn't like to be 
 Partaker in the minstrelsy, 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 71 
 
 Yet, on the whole, he thought there was no 
 harm 
 
 In moral songs and hymns of praise ; 
 
 And ^o with animated lays, 
 He lifted up his voice and sung a Psalm. 
 With eyes uprais'd, he pour'd the solemn 
 drawl ; 
 
 Old pious tabbies caught the twang, 
 
 And for an hour the parish rang 
 
 With one continued, caterwaul. 
 
 But O, how different was the rending tone, 
 When Logic, who had long been waxing hot, 
 His hammer o'er his shoulder flung, 
 And, finding near an iron pot, 
 With eager zeal, a ten-pound-ten infernal, 
 
 rung 
 
 The Blacksmith's peal, to ancient Cyclops 
 known. 
 
72 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Munroe,* with boys and girls, as thick as 
 
 hops, 
 
 And tipplers in the neighboring shops. 
 Gaping, were seen, with open chops ; 
 Peele Dabney f gaz'd, Sikes cut a shine ; 
 And Pop leap'd up, and seiz'd a great " Long 
 Nine." 
 
 Last of all, came Bibo's trial. 
 
 He, with a pumpkin-vine advancing, 
 First, to the prickly weed his mouth address' d ; 
 But, soon he saw Bat Fuller's f corn-stalk viol, 
 Whose little, whining voice he lov'd the best. 
 
 They would have thought, who heard the 
 
 strain, 
 They saw in Porter's|| Hall his chamber maids 
 
 Amidst a set of jolly blades, 
 
 * Kept a boarding-house for students. 
 
 f Jonathan Peele Dabney, A. M., general waiter and bell-ringer. 
 
 t A childish and somewhat eccentric lawyer. 
 
 || Porter was innkeeper near the University. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 73 
 
 To some half boozy fiddler dancing : 
 While, as his blundering fingers scrap'd the 
 
 strings. 
 
 Pop fram'd with Sikes a gay fantastic round. 
 Slack were their breeches seen, their hose 
 
 unbound ; 
 
 While each, defying time and tune, 
 Balanced his partner with a rigadoon, 
 And shook his lively heels, in pigeons' wings. 
 
 My Muse was once a Virgin ; but 
 
 'T is no great matter 
 
 How, when, or where, the little slut 
 
 First broke the platter. 
 'T is rumor 'd that a certain tutor 
 In her young days became her suitor. 
 One morning, as the story goes, 
 Before his tutorship arose, 
 The Goody entered with her broom, 
 To make his bed and sweep his room. 
 
74 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 He saw her tempting,* and began 
 To feel the frailties of a man. 
 A veteran, he could show the scars 
 Of many hard-fought ' Cyprian wars/ 
 At first, sly looks alone were cast ; 
 His passion grew so high at last, 
 He had the impudence to say, 
 He 'd force her to et cetera. 
 The Goody now in some alarm is, 
 Lest he should tackle vi et armis ; 
 But she was brave, and would not yield 
 Unfought the laurels of the field. 
 He open'd now another battery, 
 
 And plied her hard with flattery. 
 
 She fell ! < Oh ! What a fall was there ! ' 
 Rise ! Rise ! Ye tuneful train ! 
 
 Bewail a fallen sister fair ! 
 While to my story I return again. 
 
 * Goody Morse, the daughter of her mother, stood before him : 
 a besom graced her hand : a sweet blush was on her rhubarb- 
 colored cheeks : her eyes sparkled like moon-beams in a mud- 
 puddle : she took snuff: she wiped her nose : the soul of 
 arose : his mouth watered, &c. Ossian. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 75 
 
 Meantime, Lord Bibo wish'd to send 
 Some one on whom he could depend, 
 To lurk about their camp and see 
 The movements of the enemy. 
 
 Thereon, Old Sikes his noddle rear'd. 
 And in the service volunteer 'd ; 
 But first seciir'd his friend, the jug, 
 To keep his carcass warm and snug ; 
 Then slily issu'd from the Hall, 
 And mounted Bibo's garden wall ; 
 But hadn't been there half a minute, 
 Before (as if th' Old Nick was in 't) 
 The Sophs began to c smell a rat/ 
 And soon perceiv'd what he was at ; 
 And rais'd so great a hue and cry, 
 As soon compell'd Old Sikes to fly ; 
 Who in the Council Hall appears 
 With two great fleas in both his ears, 
 And in a woful manner tells 
 How he was frightened by the yells. 
 
T6 THE REBELLIAD. 
 
 Lord Bibo's heart was almost broke 
 
 To hear how dolefully he spoke ; 
 
 And, that it never might be said, 
 
 That Sikes without revenge had fled, 
 
 He vow'd with oath most horrible, 
 
 He 'd rusticate, if not expel, 
 
 A half a dozen of the Sophs, 
 
 To pay them for their blackguard scoffs. 
 
 Accordingly Jack Hopper, Motte, 
 
 And four besides 'em, went to pot ; 
 
 At which the Sophs were almost frantic, 
 
 And cut some capers wondrous antic. 
 
 They roar'd and bawl'd, and were so bloody 
 
 As to besiege Lord Bibo's study, 
 
 Demanding that he should recall 
 
 Their faithful comrades one and all ; 
 
 But stubborn Bibo flatly swore 
 
 He 'd rusticate a dozen more, 
 
 Or even every mother's son, 
 
 Ere he 'd recall a single one. 
 
THE REBELLIAD. 77 
 
 He likewise took two other courses. 
 The Physical and Civil forces ; 
 But Physics were not stout enough 
 To meddle with rebellious stuff ; 
 And as for Law, it quickly flew 
 With Justices and Churchmen too. 
 Though Deacon Shavem did in fact 
 Begin to read the Riot Act, 
 The whole effect these measures had, 
 Was but to make the Sophs more mad ; 
 Until their fury was so great 
 They swore they 'd go at any rate, 
 And leave the College and its Devils, 
 Screws, duns, and other such like evils. 
 True to his oath, each wrathy Soph 
 With mighty dignity went off. 
 
 But cease, dear Goody ! Cease, My Pen, 
 For now they 've all sneak 'd* back, AMEN. 
 
 * After having taken an intermission of two weeks. 
 
ACTEURS. 
 
 (COLLEGE FACULTY IN 1819.) 
 
 LORD BIBO, President Kirkland, D. D., LL. D. 
 
 DR. POP, Dr. Popkin, Professor of Greek. 
 
 SIKES, Rev. Henry Ware, D. D., Professor of Divinity. 
 
 TOUCHY, Rev. John Brazer, D. D., Professor of Latin. 
 
 LOGIC, Levi Hedge, LL. D., Professor of Logic, Metaphysics, 
 Nat. Phil., &c. 
 
 SCREWEM, John Farrar, LL. D. Professor of Mathematics and 
 Nat. Phil. 
 
 GAD NORTON, Andrews Norton, A. M., Professor of Sacred Lit- 
 erature. 
 
 WILLARD, Sidney Willard, Professor of Hebrew and other Ori- 
 ental Languages. 
 
 SHARKS, Jared Sparks, A. M., Tutor. 
 
 BARNWELL, 1 Robert W. Barnwell, Sophomore, post Col. Carol. 
 
 NATHAN, > Austr. Pres. 
 
 ABIJAH, a Freshman. 
 
 CALEB, Caleb Stetson, Freshman, now Rev. Caleb Stetson. 
 
 ' ,, > Miss Morse, the daughter of her mother. 
 WALLIS, Charley Wallis, Musician. 
 
)O