Music LIB. ENCE; or BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE W. S. Gilbert f /c X * i jrr- , / PATIENCE ; OR BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE patience i or By W. S. GILBERT With new introduction NEW YORK Doubleday, Page & Company 1902 Copyright, 1901, by DOUBLEDAY, PACK & CO. Published September, 1902 Librairy \3 AUTHOR'S NOTE A |^HE genesis of " Patience " is to be found in the "Bab Ballad," called " The Rival Curates." In the original draft of the MS. of my play Reginald Bunthorne and Archibald Grosvenor were two clergy- men belonging to adjoining parishes, as in the ballad, and the Reverend Mr. Bunthorne was attended by a team of enthusiastic lady worshippers who had been fascinated by the lamb-like meekness of his demeanour. In the course of the piece this body of devotees, having discovered that the Reverend Mr. Grosvenor was even meeker than Mr. Bunthorne, transferred their affec- tions, en bloc> to Mr. Grosvenor, one admirer only, Lady Jane, remaining faithful to Mr. Bunthorne. Enraged at this successful opposition, Mr. Bunthorne commissioned Lady Jane to go to Mr. Grosvenor and explain to him, in the fiercest and most uncompromis- ing terms, that unless he abandoned, at once, his blameless attitude, and forthwith became a reckless and unconventional renegade, holding the broadest possible views of his duties as a clergyman, the consequences to him would be of the most painful and humiliating description. Lady Jane faithfully and successfully discharged this mission (entrusted in the ballad to the Author's Note sexton and the beadle), and Mr. Grosvenor, who had no real sympathy with an attitude that only an over- whelming sense of duty had compelled him to adopt, joyfully acceded to Bunthorne's requirements, satisfy- ing his conscience with the excuse that his wholesale violation of clerical proprieties was the effect of an irresistible force majeure. A body of dragoons was introduced who, having endeavoured in vain to divert the attention of the young ladies from the fascinating curates, determined at length to "take orders," and, having done so, were rewarded for their enterprising volte face by the ladies who had in the meantime be- come thoroughly disgusted with the conduct of the adored curates. While I was engaged upon the construction of this plot, I became uneasy at the thought of the danger I was incurring by dealing so freely with members of the clerical order, and I felt myself crippled at every turn by the necessity of protecting myself from a charge of irreverence. So I cast about for a group of personages who should fit, more or less neatly, into the plot as already devised, and who should allow me a freer hand in making them amusing to my audiences. At that time the so-called " aesthetic craze " was just becoming popular, mainly owing to the late Mr. Du Maurier's admirable pictorial satires in Punch. As I lay awake one night, worrying over the difficulties that I had prepared for myself, the idea suddenly flashed upon me that if I made Bunthorne and Gros- venor a couple of yearning " aesthetics " and the young vi Author's Note ladies their ardent admirers, all anxieties as to the consequences of making them extremely ridiculous would be at once overcome. Elated at the idea, I ran down at once to my library, and in an. hour or so I had entirely rearranged the piece upon a secure and satisfactory basis. The "aesthetes" were accepted without hesitation by the public, and the piece ran for about two years. When it was revived after a lapse of nineteen years, the " asthetic craze" was as dead as Queen Anne, and no little anxiety was felt by the management of the Savoy Theatre as to how the piece would be received. However, we were not a little surprised and relieved to find that the allusions to the absurdities formerly connected with the mania had lost nothing of their normal significance. The revival ran merrily for eight months. W. S. GILBERT. Vll PATIENCE; OR BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE ACT I SCENE EXTERIOR OF CASTLE BUNTHORNE. Entrance to Castle by drawbridge over moat. Young ladies dressed in classical draperies are grouped about the stage. They play on lutes, mandolins, &c., as they sing, and all are in the last stage of despair. ANGELA, ELLA, and SAPHIR lead them. CHORUS Twenty love-sick maidens we, Love-sick all against our will. Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty love-sick maidens still. SOLO ANGELA Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die ALL Ah, miserie ! Patience ANGELA Yet my love lives, although no hope have I ALL Ah, miserie ! ANGELA Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away ALL Ah, miserie ! ANGELA To weeping concords tune thy roundelay ! ALL Ah, miserie ! CHORUS All our love is all for one, Yet that love he heedeth not, He is coy and cares for none, Sad and sorry is our lot ! Ah, miserie 1 SOLO ELLA Go, breaking heart, Go, dream of love requited; Go, foolish heart, Go, dream of lovers plighted; Go, madcap heart, Go, dream of never waking; Patience And in thy dream Forget that them art breaking ! ALL Ah, miserie ! ANGELA There is a strange magic in this love of ours ! Rivals as we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another ! SAPHIR Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very cynosure of our eyes and hearts, remains icy insensible what have we to strive for ? ELLA The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the taxes ! SAPHIR Would that it were ! He pays his taxes. ANGELA And cherishes the receipts ! (Enter LADY JANE.) JANE (suddenly) Fools! ANGELA I beg your pardon ? 3 Patience JANE Fools and blind ! The man loves wildly loves ! ANGELA But whom ? None of us ! JANE No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the nonce, on Patience, the village milk- maid ! SAPHIR On Patience ? Oh, it cannot be ! JANE Bah ! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy, eating fresh butter with a tablespoon. To-day he is not well ! SAPHIR But Patience boasts that she has never loved that love is, to her, a sealed book! Oh, he cannot be serious ! JANE 'Tis but a fleeting fancy 'twill quickly pass away. (Aside.) Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a wealth of golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this rugged old bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short indeed ! (All sigh wearily.) 4 Patience (PATIENCE appears on an eminence. She looks down with pity on the despondent ladies.) PATIENCE Still brooding on their mad infatuation ! I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me ! Far happier I, free from thy ministration, Than dukes or duchesses who love can be ! SAPHIR (looking up) Tis Patience happy girl ! Loved by a Poet! PATIENCE Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you ! (Going.) ANGELA Nay, pretty, child, come hither. Is it true That you have never loved? PATIENCE Most true indeed. SOPRANOS Most marvellous ! CONTRALTOS And most deplorable ! SONG PATIENCE I cannot tell what this love may be That cometh to all, but not to me. s Patience It cannot be kind as they'd imply, Or why do these gentle ladies sigh ? It cannot be joy and rapture deep, Or why do these gentle ladies weep ? It cannot be blissful as 'tis said, Or why are their eyes so wondrous red ? Though everywhere true love I see A-coming to all, but not to me, I cannot tell what this love may be ! For I am blithe and I am gay, While they sit sighing all night, all day. Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me, "Pal la la la!" and "Miserie!" CHORUS Yes, she is blithe, &c. PATIENCE If love is a thorn, they show no wit Who foolishly hug and foster it. If love is a weed, how simple they Who gather and gather it, day by day ! If love is a nettle that makes you smart, Why do you wear it next your heart ? And if it be none of these, say I, Why do you sit and sob and sigh? Though everywhere, &c. 6 Patience CHORUS For she is blithe, &c. ANGELA Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never known true happiness ! (All sigh.) PATIENCE But the truly happy always seem to have so much on their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well. JANE There is a transcendentality of delirium an acute accentuation of supremest esctasy which the earthy might easily mistake for in- digestion. But it is not indigestion it is aes- thetic transfiguration ! (To the others.) Enough of babble. Come ! PATIENCE But I have some news for you. The Thirty- fifth Dragoon Guards have halted in the village, and are even now on their way to this very spot. ANGELA The Thirty-fifth Dragoon Guards ! SAPHIR They are fleshly men, of full habit ! 7 Patience ELLA We care nothing for Dragoon Guards ! PATIENCE But, bless me, you were all in love with them a year ago ! SAPHIR A year ago ! ANGELA My poor child, you don't understand these things. A year ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our tastes have been ether- ealized, our perceptions exalted. (To others.) Come, it is time to lift up our voices in morning carol to our Reginald. Let us to his door. The ladies go off, two and two, into the Castle, singing refrain of " Twenty love-sick maidens we, " and accompanying themselves on harps and mandolins. PATIENCE watches them in surprise, as she climbs the rock by which she entered. March. Enter Officers of Dragoon Guards, led by MAJOR. CHORUS OF DRAGOONS The soldiers of our Queen Are linked in friendly tether; 8 Patience Upon the battle scene They fight the foe together. There every mother's son Prepared to fight and fall is; The enemy of one The enemy of all is ! Enter COLONEL SONG COLONEL If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune. The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory Genius of Bismarck devising a plan The humour of Fielding (which sounds contra- dictory) Coolness of Paget about to trepan The science of Jullien, the eminent musico Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Bouci- cault Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray Patience Victor Emmanuel peak-haunting Peveril Thomas Aquinas, the Doctor Sacheverell Tupper and Tennyson Daniel Defoe Anthony Trollope and Mr. Guizot ! Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set them to simmer and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum 1 CHORUS Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes ! A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! COLONEL If you want a receipt for this soldier-like para- gon, Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can) The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky Grace of an Odalisque on a divan The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal Patience Flavour of Hamlet the Stranger, a touch of him Little of Manfred (but not very much of him) Beadle of Burlington Richardson's show Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud ! Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set them to simmer and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! ALL Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes ! A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! COLONEL Well, here we are again on the scene of our former triumphs. But where's the Duke ? Enter DUKE OF DUNSTABLE, listlessly, and in low spirits. DUKE Here I am ! (Sighs.) COLONEL Come, cheer up, don't give way ! DUKE Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be expected to be, who has the misfortune to be a duke, with a thousand a day ! Patience MAJOR Humph ! Most men would envy you ! DUKE Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee ? MAJOR Very! COLONEL We are all fond of toffee. ALL We are ! DUKE Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But to live on toffee toffee for break- fast, toffee for dinner, toffee for tea to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but toffee were offered to you how would you like that ? COLONEL I can believe that, under those circumstances, even toffee would become monotonous. DUKE For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject deference, carried to such a pitch that I 12 Patience began, at last, to think that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees ! Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me ! Am I particularly intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly witty, or unusually accom- plished, or exceptionally virtuous ? COLONEL You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I saw. ALL You are ! DUKE Exactly ! That's it exactly ! That describes me to a T ! Thank you all very much ! Well, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who knows? The thought was rapture, and here I am. COLONEL (looking off) Yes, and here are the ladies ! DUKE But who is the gentleman with the long hair ? COLONEL I don't know. 13 Patience DUKE He seems popular ! COLONEL He does seem popular ! BUNTHORNE enters, followed by ladies, two and two, singing and playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem, and quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across stage followed by ladies. They take no notice of Dragoons to the surprise and indignation of those Officers. CHORUS OF LADIES In a melancholy train Two and two we walk all day Pity those who love in vain ! None so sorrowful as they Who can only sigh and say, Woe is me, alackaday ! CHORUS OP DRAGOONS Now is not this ridiculous and is not this preposterous ? A thorough-paced absurdity explain it if you can. 14 Patience Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us, They all prefer this melancholy literary man. Instead of slyly peering at us, Casting looks endearing at us, Blushing at us, flushing at us flirting with a fan: They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us ! Pretty sort of treatment for a military man ! Pretty sort of treatment for a military man ! CHORUS OF LADIES Mystic poet, hear our prayer, Twenty-love sick maidens we Young and wealthy, dark and fair And we die for love of thee ! Yes, we die for love of thee Twenty love-sick maidens we ! BUNTHORNE (aside slyly) Though my book I seem to scan In a rapt ecstatic way, Like a literary man Who despises female clay, I hear plainly all they say, Twenty love-sick maidens they ! is Patience OFFICERS (to each other) He hears plainly, &c. ELLA Though so excellently wise, For a moment mortal be, Deign to raise thy purple eyes From thy heart-drawn poesy. Twenty love-sick maidens see Each is kneeling on her knee ! (All kneel.) CHORUS OF LADIES Twenty love-sick, &c. BUNTHORNE (aside) Though, as I remarked before, Any one convinced would be That some transcendental lore Is monopolizing me, Round the corner I can see Each is kneeling on her knee ! OFFICERS (to each other) Round the corner, &c. ENSEMBLE OFFICERS Now is not this ridiculous, &c. 16 Patience LADIES Mystic poet, hear our prayer, &c. BUNTHORNE (aside) Though my book I seem to scan, &c. COLONEL Angela ! what is the meaning of this ? ANGELA Oh, sir, leave us ; our minds are but ill-attuned to light love-talk. MAJOR But what in the world has come over you all ? JANE Bunthorne ! He has come over us. He has come among us, and he has idealized us. DUKE Has he succeeded in idealizing you ? JANE He has ! DUKE Bravo, Bunthorne ! JANE My eyes are open; I droop despairingly; I am soulfully intense ; I am limp and I cling ! Patience (During this BUNTHORNE is seen in all the agonies of composition. The ladies are watching him intently as he writhes. At last, he hits on the word he wants and writes it down. A general sense of relief.) BUNTHORNE Finished ! At last ! Finished ! (He staggers, overcome with the mental strain, into arms of COLONEL.) COLONEL Are you better now ? BUNTHORNE Yes Oh, it's you I am better now. The poem is finished, and my soul has gone out into it. That was all. It was nothing worth men- tioning, it occurs three times a day. (Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.) Ah, Patience ! Dear Patience ! (Holds her hand; she seems frightened.) ANGELA Will it please you to read it to us, sir? SAPHIR This we supplicate. (All kneel.) BUNTHORNE Shall I? 18 Patience ALL THE DRAGOONS No! BUNTHORNE (annoyed to PATIENCE) I will read it if you bid me ! PATIENCE (much frightened) You can if you like ! BUNTHORNE It is a wild, weird, fleshly thing; yet very tender, very yearning, very precious. It is called, " Oh, Hollow ! Hollow ! Hollow ! " PATIENCE Is it a hunting song ? BUNTHORNE A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is the wail of the poet's heart on dis- covering that everything is commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one another and think of faint lilies. (They do so as he recites) "OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!" What time the poet hath hymned The writhing maid, lithe-limbed, Quivering on amaranthine asphodel, 19 Patienc How can he paint her woes, Knowing, as well he knows, That all can be set right with calomel? When from the poet's plinth The amorous colocynth Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills, How can he hymn their throes Knowing, as well he knows, That they are only uncompounded pills? Is it, and can it be, Nature hath this decree, Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell? Or that in all her works Something poetic lurks, Even in colocynth and calomel ? I cannot tell. ANGELA How purely fragrant ! SAPHIR How earnestly precious ! DUKE Well, it seems to me to be nonsense. SAPHIR Nonsense, yes, perhaps but oh, what pre- cious nonsense ! Patience ALL Ah! COLONEL This is all very well, but you seem to forget that you are engaged to us. SAPHIR It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are not Delia Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be Early English ere it is too late ! (Officers look at each other in astonish- ment.} JANE (looking at uniform) Red and yellow ! Primary colours ! Oh, South Kensington ! DUKE We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how they could be improved. JANE No, you wouldn't. Still, there is a cobwebby grey velvet, with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made Florentine fourteenth cen- tury, trimmed with Venetian leather and Spanish altar lace, and surmounted with some- thing Japanese it matters not what would at least be Early English ! Come, maidens. (Ex- eunt maidens, two and two, singing refrain of ai Patience " Twenty love-sick maidens we." The Officers watch them off in astonishment.) DUKE Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform COLONEL A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of Venus as in the field of Mars ! SONG COLONEL When I first put this uniform on, I said, as I looked in the glass, " It's one to a million That any civilian My figure and form will surpass. Gold lace has a charm for the fair, And I've plenty of that, and to spare, While a lover's professions, When uttered in Hessians, Are eloquent everywhere !" A fact that I counted upon, When I first put this uniform on ! CHORUS OF DRAGOONS By a simple coincidence, few Could ever have reckoned upon, The same thing occurred to me, too, When I first put this uniform on ! 99 Patience COLONEL I said, when I first put it on, " It is plain to the veriest dunce That every beauty Will feel it her duty To yield to its glamour at once. They will see that I'm freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste" But the peripatetics Of long-haired aesthetics Are very much more to their taste Which I never counted upon, When I first put this uniform on ! CHORUS By a simple coincidence, few Could ever have counted upon, I didn't anticipate that, When I first put this uniform on ! [The Dragoons go off angrily. (As soon as he is alone, BUNTHORNE changes his manner and becomes intensely melodramatic.) RECITATIVE AND SONG BUNTHORNE Am I alone, And unobserved? I am! Then let me own I'm an aesthetic sham ! 23 Patience This air severe Is but a mere Veneer ! This cynic smile Is but a wile Of guile ! This costume chaste Is but good taste Misplaced ! Let me confess ! A languid love for lilies does not blight me ! Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me ! I do not care for dirty greens By any means. I do not long for all one sees That's Japanese. I am not fond of uttering platitudes In stained-glass attitudes. In short, my mediaevalism's affectation, Born of a morbid love of admiration ! SONG If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs of the trans- cendental terms, and plant them every- where. 24 Patience You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind, The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental kind. And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, " If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me, Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be !" Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since passed away, And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was Culture's palmiest day. Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare it's crude and mean, For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine. And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, " If that's not good enough for him which is not good enough for me, Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be !" 25 Patience Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your languid spleen, An attachment d la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too-French French bean ! Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the high aesthetic band, If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval hand. And every one will say, As you walk your flowery way, "If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit me, Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be !" [At the end of his song PATIENCE enters. He sees her. BUNTHORNE Ah ! Patience, come hither. I am pleased with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else hollow, is pleased with thee. For vou are not hollow. Are you? PATIENCE I beg your pardon I interrupt you. BUNTHORNE Life is made up of interruptions. The tor- ad Patience tured soul, yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart is a- weary ! Oh, I am a cursed thing ! Don't go. PATIENCE Really, I'm very sorry BUNTHORNE Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn ? PATIENCE (misunderstanding him) I earn my living. BUNTHORNE (impatiently) No, no ! Do you know what it is to be heart- hungry ? Do you know what it is to yearn for the Indefinable, and yet to be brought face to face, daily, with the Multiplication Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans and to find puddles? to long for whirlwinds and to have to do the best thing you can with the bel- lows? That's my case. Oh, I am a cursed thing! PATIENCE If you please, I don't understand you you frighten me ! BUNTHORNE Don't be frightened it's only poetry. PATIENCE If that's poetry, I don't like poetry. 27 Patience BUNTHORNE (eagerly) Don't you? (Aside.) Can I trust her? (Aloud.) Patience, you don't like poetry- well, between you and me, / don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial unsatisfactory. What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields when you know you can't get 'em, and would only let 'em out on building leases if you had 'em? PATIENCE Sir, I BUNTHORNE Don't go. Patience, I have long loved you. Let me tell you a secret. I am not as bilious as I look. If you like I will cut my hair. There is more innocent fun within me than a casual spectator would imagine. You have never seen me frolicsome. Be a good girl a very good girl and you shall. PATIENCE Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am untaught. I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am quite certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly love you. BUNTHORNE Oh, you think not ? 28 Patience PATIENCE I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite. BUNTHORNE (releasing her) Very good. Life is henceforth a blank. I don't care what becomes of me. I have only to ask that you will not abuse my confidence: though you despise me, I am extremely popular with the other young ladies. PATIENCE I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the subject. BUNTHORNE Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate I go. (Recites.) "Oh, to be wafted away, From this black Aceldama of sorrow, Where the dust of an earthy to-day Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow !" It is a little thing of my own. I call it " Heart Foam." I shall not publish it. Farewell! [Exit BUNTHORNE. PATIENCE What on earth does it all mean ? Why does he love me? Why does he expect me to love him ? He's not a relation ! It frightens me ! 29 Patience Enter ANGELA ANGELA Why, Patience, what is the matter ? PATIENCE Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on earth is this love that upsets every- body; and, secondly, how is it to be distin- guished from insanity ? ANGELA Poor blind child ! Oh, forgive her, Eros ! Why, love is of all passions the most essential ! It is the embodiment of purity, the abstraction of refinement ! it is the one unselfish emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed ! PATIENCE Oh, dear, oh ! (Beginning to cry.) ANGELA Why are you crying ? PATIENCE To think that I have lived all these years without having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion ! Why, what a wicked girl I must be ! For it is unselfish, isn't it ? ANGELA Absolutely. Love that is tainted with selfish- ness is no love. Oh, try, try, try to love ! It 3 Patience really isn't difficult if you give your whole mind to it. PATIENCE I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm head over ears in love with somebody. ANGELA Noble girl. But is it possible that you have never loved anybody ? PATIENCE Yes, one. ANGELA Ah, whom? PATIENCE My great-aunt ANGELA Your great-aunt doesn't coumX PATIENCE Then there's nobody. At least no, nobody. Not since I was a baby. But that doesn't count, I suppose. ANGELA I don't know tell me all about it. DUET PATIENCE AND ANGELA PATIENCE Long years ago, fourteen, maybe When but a tiny babe of four, 31 Patience Another baby played with me, My elder by a year or more. A little child of beauty rare, With marvellous eyes and wondrous hair, Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me All that a little child should be ! Ah, how we loved, that child and I, How pure our baby joy ! How true our love and, by the bye, He was a little boy ! ANGELA Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch ! I thought as much I thought as much ! He was a little boy ! PATIENCE (shocked) Pray don't misconstrue what I say- Remember, pray remember, pray, He was a little boy ! ANGELA No doubt, yet spite of all your pains, The interesting fact remains He was a little boy ! ENSEMBLE Ah, yes, ) ( my ) > in spite of all < > pains, &c. No doubt ) (her) [Exit ANGELA. 32 Patience PATIENCE It's perfectly appalling to think of the dread- ful state I must be in ! I had no idea that love was a duty. No wonder they all look so un- happy. Upon my word, I hardly like to asso- ciate with myself. I don't think I'm respect- able. I'll go at once and fall in love with (Enter GROSVENOR.) A stranger ! DUET PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR GROSVENOR Prithee, pretty maiden prithee tell me true, (Hey but I'm doleful, willow willow waly !) Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you ? Hey willow waly O ! I would fain discover If you have a lover ? Hey willow waly O ! PATIENCE Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free (Hey but he's doleful, willow willow waly !) Nobody I care for comes a-courting me Hey willow waly ! Nobody I care for Comes a-courting therefore, Hey willow waly O ! 33 Patience GROSVENOR Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me ? (Hey but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly !) I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee Hey willow waly O ! Money, I despise it, But many people prize it, Hey willow waly O ! PATIENCE Gentle sir, although to marry I design (Hey but he's hopeful, willow willow waly !) As yet I do not know you, and so I musVdecline, Hey willow waly O ! To other maidens go you As yet I do not know you, Hey willow waly ! GROSVENOR Patience ! Can it be that you don't recognize me? PATIENCE Recognize you ? No, indeed I don't ! GROSVENOR Have fifteen years so greatly changed me ? PATIENCE Fifteen years? What do you mean? 34 Patience GROSVENOR Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your Archibald? your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos, this is too bad of you ! PATIENCE Archibald ! Is it possible ? Why, let me look ! It is ! It is ! It must be ! Oh, how happy I am ! I thought we should never meet again ! And how you've grown ! GROSVENOR Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter than I was. PATIENCE And how you've improved ! GROSVENOR Yes, Patience, I am very beautiful. (Sighs.) PATIENCE But surely that doesn't make you unhappy? GROSVENOR Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which probably has not its rival on earth, I am, nevertheless, utterly and completely miserable. PATIENCE Oh but why? 35 Patience GROSVENOR My child-love for you has never faded. Con- ceive, then, the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my hideous destiny to be madly loved by every woman I come across ! PATIENCE But why do you make yourself so picturesque ? Why not disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this persecution? GROSVENOR No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts irksome as they are have been confided to me for the enjoyment and delectation of my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, and it is my duty to see that the conditions of my trust are faithfully discharged. PATIENCE And you, too, are a poet ? GROSVENOR Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called "Archibald the Ail-Right "for I am infallible ! PATIENCE And is it possible that you condescend to love such a girl as I ? 36 Patience GROSVENOR Yes, Patience, is it not strange? I have loved you with a Florentine fourteenth-century frenzy for full fifteen years ! PATIENCE Oh, marvellous ! I have hitherto been deaf to the voice of love I seem now to know what love is ! It has been revealed to me it is Archibald Grosvenor ! GROSVENOR Yes, Patience, it is ! (Embrace.) PATIENCE (as in a trance) We will never, never part ! GROSVENOR We will live and die together ! PATIENCE I swear it ! GROSVENOR We both swear it ! (Embrace.) PATIENCE (recoiling from him) But oh, horror ! GROSVENOR What's the matter ? 37 Patience PATIENCE Why, you are perfection ! A source of end- less ecstasy to all who know you ! GROSVENOR I know I am well? PATIENCE Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in loving you ! GROSVENOR Merciful powers, I never thought of that ! PATIENCE To monopolize those features on which all women love to linger ! It would be unpardon- able! GROSVENOR Why, so it would ! Oh, fatal perfection, again you interpose between me and my happi- ness ! PATIENCE Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you are ! GROSVENOR Would that I were ; but candour compels me to admit that I'm not ! PATIENCE Our duty is clear ; we must part, and forever ! 38 Patience GROSVENOR Oh, misery ! And yet I cannot question the propriety of your decision. Farewell, Patience ! PATIENCE Farewell, Archibald ! But stay ! GROSVENOR Yes, Patience? PATIENCE Although I may not love you for you are perfect there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain, homely, unattractive I GROSVENOR Why, that's true ! PATIENCE The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I, must be unselfish ! GROSVENOR Unselfishness itself ! DUET PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR PATIENCE Though to marry you would very selfish be GROSVENOR Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly ! 39 Patience PATIENCE You may all the same continue loving me GROSVENOR Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly \ BOTH All the world ignoring. ( You) > go on adoring (I'll ) Hey willow waly O ! [At the end, exeunt despairingly, in opposite directions. Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with garlands, and looking very miser- able. He is led by ANGELA and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-gar- land by which he is bound), and accom- panied by procession of maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on cymbals, double pipes and other archaic instruments. CHORUS Let the merry cymbals sound, Gaily pipe Pandasan pleasure, With a Daphnephoric bound Tread a gay but classic measure. 40 Patience Every heart with hope is beating, For at this exciting meeting Fickle Fortune will decide Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride ! Enter DRAGOONS, led by COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They are surprised at proceedings. CHORUS OF DRAGOONS Now tell us, we pray you, Why thus you array you Oh, poet, how say you What is it you've done? DUKE Of rite sacrificial, By sentence judicial, This seems the initial, Then why don't you run?j COLONEL They cannot have led you To hang or behead you, Nor may they all wed you, Unfortunate one ! CHORUS OF DRAGOONS Then tell us, we pray you, Why thus they array you Oh, poet, how say you What is it you've done? 41 Patience RECITATIVE BUNTHORNE Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity, By the advice of my solicitor, (introducing his Solicitor) In aid in aid of a deserving charity, I've put myself up to be raffled for ! MAIDENS By the advice of his solicitor He's put himself up to be raffled for ! DRAGOONS Oh, horror ! urged by his solicitor, He's put himself up to be raffled for ! MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor ! DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor ! (The Solicitor, horrified at the Dragoons* curse, rushes off.) COLONEL Stay, we implore you, Before our hopes are blighted! You see before you The men to whom you're plighted! 42 Patience CHORUS OF DRAGOONS Stay we implore you, For we adore you ; To us you're plighted To be united Stay, we implore you ! SOLO DUKE Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel To pity's eloquent appeal, Such conduct British soldiers feel. (Aside to Dragoons.) Sigh, sigh, all sigh ! [They all sigh. To foeman's steel we rarely see A British soldier bend the knee, Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye (Aside to Dragoons.) Kneel, kneel, all kneel ! [They all kneel. Our soldiers very seldom cry, And yet I need not tell you why A tear-drop dews each martial eye ! (Aside to Dragoons.) Weep, weep, all weep ! [They all weep. ENSEMBLE Our soldiers very seldom cry, And yet I need not tell you why 43 Patience A tear-drop dews each manly eye ! Weep, weep, all weep ! BUNTHORNE (who has been impatient during this appeal) Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity, Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity, Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity, Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain- Such a judge of blue-and-white, and other kinds of pottery From early Oriental down to modern terra- cotta-ry Put in half a guinea you may draw him in a lottery- Such an opportunity may not occur again. CHORUS Such a judge of blue-and-white, &c. (Maidens crowd up to purchase tickets; during this Dragoons dance in single file round stage, to express their indifference.) DRAGOONS We've been thrown over, we're aware, But we don't care but we don't care ! 44 Patience There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it, As good as ever came out of it, And some day we shall get our share, So we don't care so we don't care ! (During this, the girls have been buying tickets. At last, JANE presents herself. BUN- THORNE looks at her with aversion.) RECITATIVE BUNTHORNE And are you going a ticket for to buy? JANE (surprised) Most certainly I am ; why should not I ? BUNTHORNE (aside) Oh, Fortune, this is hard ! (Aloud.) Blindfold your eyes: Two minutes will decide who wins the prize ! (Girls blindfold themselves.) CHORUS OP MAIDENS Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind ! Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind ! (Each uncovers one eye.) Just raise your bandage thus, that you may see, And give the prize, and give the prize to me ! (They cover their eyes again.) BUNTHORNE Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first ! 45 Patience JANE (joyfully) He loves me best ! BUNTHORNE (aside) I want to know the worst ! QANE draws a paper, and is about to open it when PATIENCE enters. PATIENCE snatches paper from JANE and tears it up.) PATIENCE Hold ! Stay your hand ! ALL (uncovering their eyes) What means this interference? Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance ! JANE Away with you, and to your milk-pails go ! BUNTHORNE (suddenly) She wants a ticket ! Take a dozen ! PATIENCE No! SOLO PATIENCE (kneeling to BUNTHORNE) If there be pardon in your breast For a poor penitent, Who with remorseful thought opprest, Sincerely doth repent, If you, with one so lowly, still Desire to be allied, 4 6 Patience Then you may take me, if you will, For I will be your bride ! ALL Oh, shameless one ! Oh, bold-faced thing ! Away you run Go, take you wing, You shameless one ! You bold-faced thing! BUNTHORNE How strong is love ! For many and many a week She's loved me fondly and has feared to speak, But Nature, for restraint too mighty far, Has burst the bonds of Art and here we are ! PATIENCE No, Mr. Bunthorne, no you're wrong again, Permit me I'll endeavour to explain ! SONG PATIENCE True love must single-hearted be BUNTHORNE Exactly so ! PATIENCE From every selfish fancy free 47 Patience BUNTHORNE Exactly so ! PATIENCE No idle thought of gain or joy A maiden's fancy should employ True love must be without alloy. ALL Exactly so ! PATIENCE Imposture to contempt must lead COLONEL Exactly so ! PATIENCE Blind vanity's dissension's seed MAJOR Exactly so! PATIENCE It follows then, a maiden who Devotes herself to loving you (indicating BUNTHORNE) Is prompted by no selfish view ! ALL Exactly so ! SAPHIR (taking BUNTHORNE aside) Are you resolved to wed this shameless one ? 4 8 Patience ANGELA Is there no chance for any other? BUNTHORNE (decisively) None ! (Embraces PATIENCE.) (ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while Girls gaze fondly at other Officers.) SESTETTE I hear the soft note of the echoing voice Of an old, old love, long dead It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice" For the last sad tear is shed The pain that is all but a pleasure we'll change For the pleasure that's all but pain, And never, oh never, this heart will range From that old, old love again ! (Girls em- brace Officers.) CHORUS Yes, the pain that is all, &c. (Embrace.) As the Dragoons and Girls are embracing, enter GROSVENOR, reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes slowly down, still reading. The Girls are all strangely fascinated by him, and gradually withdraw from Dragoons. 49 Patience ANGELA But who is this, whose god-like grace Proclaims he comes of noble race ? And who is this whose manly face Bears sorrow's interesting trace ? ENSEMBLE TUTTI Yes, who is this, &c. GROSVENOR I am a broken-hearted troubadour, Whose mind's aesthetic and whose tastes are pure ! ANGELA ^Esthetic ! He is aesthetic ! GROSVENOR Yes, yes I am aesthetic And poetic ! ALL THE LADIES Then, we love you ! (The Girls leave Dragoons and group, kneeling, around GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who recognizes a rival.) DRAGOONS They love him ! Horror ! 5 Patience BUNTHORNE AND PATIENCE They love him ! Horror ! GROSVENOR They love me ! Horror ! Horror ! Horror ! ENSEMBLE TUTTI GIRLS Oh, list while we a love confess That words imperfectly express, Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes ' Nor be distressed, nor scandalized, If what we do is ill-advised, Or we shall seek within the tomb Relief from our appalling doom ! GROSVENOR Again my cursed comeliness Spreads hopeless anguish and distress ! Thine ears, O Fortune, do not close To my intolerable woes. Let me be hideous, under-sized, Contemned, degraded, loathed, despised, Or bid me seek within the tomb Relief from my detested doom ! PATIENCE List, Reginald, while I confess A love that's all unselfishness; si Patience That it's unselfish, goodness knows, You won't dispute it, I suppose. For you are hideous under-sized, And everything that I've despised, And I shall love you I presume, Until I sink into the tomb ! BUNTHORNE My jealousy I can't express, Their love they openly confess; His shell-like ear he does not close To their recital of their woes. I'm more than angry and surprised I'm pained, and shocked, and scandalized ; But he shall meet a hideous doom Prepared for him by I know whom ! The Ladies are all grouped around GROSVENOR. BUNTHORNE stands apart, meditating ven- geance on GROSVENOR. ACT II SCENE A GLADE On the left a small sheet of water. JANE is discovered leaning on a violoncello, upon which she presently accompanies herself. JANE The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with passing favour on a puling milkmaid ! Fools ! of that fancy he will soon weary and then I, who alone am faithful to him, shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying. Better secure me ere I have gone too far ! RECITATIVE JANE Sad is that woman's lot, who year by year, Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" S3 Patience Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings," Reduced, with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly grey, To "make up" for lost time, as best she may ! SONG JANE Silvered is the raven hair, Spreading is the parting straight, Mottled the complexion fair, Halting is the youthful gait, Hollow is the laughter free, Spectacled the limpid eye Little will be left of me In the coming by and bye ! Fading is the taper waist, Shapeless grows the shapely limb, And although securely laced, Spreading is the figure trim ! Stouter than I used to be, Still more corpulent grow I There will be too much of me In the coming by and bye ! [Exit JANE. Enter GROSVENOR, followed by maidens, two and two, each playing on an archaic instrument, as in Act I. He is reading abstractedly, as 54 Patience BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no attention to them. CHORUS OF MAIDENS Turn, oh turn in this direction, Shed, oh shed a gentle smile, With a glance of sad perfection Our poor fainting hearts beguile ! On such eyes as maidens cherish Let thy fond adorers gaze, Or incontinent y perish In their all-consuming rays ! (He sits they group around him.} GROSVENOR (aside) The old, old tale. How rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly ! Oh, Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my heart, what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity? Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless love for thee ! ANGELA Sir, will it please you to read to us ? (Kneels.) GROSVENOR (sighing) Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read ? ANGELA One of your own poems. 55 Patience GROSVENOR One of my own poems? Better not, my child. They will not cure thee of thy love. ELLA Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own every day. SAPHIR And, to do him justice, he read them ex- tremely well. GROSVENOR Oh, did he so ? Well, who am I that I should take upon myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee? Here is a decalet a pure and simple thing, a very daisy a babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary to think of anything at all. ANGELA Let us think of nothing at all ! GROSVENOR recites Gentle Jane was as good as gold, She always did as she was told; She never spoke when her mouth was full, Or caught blue-bottles their legs to pull, Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock, Or put white mice in the eight-day clock, 56 Patience Or vivisected her last new doll, Or fostered a passion for alcohol. And when she grew up she was given in mar- riage To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage ! GROSVENOR I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame to the cheek of modesty. ANGELA Not one ; it is purity itself. GROSVENOR Here's another. Teasing Tom was a very bad boy ; A great big squirt was his favourite toy ; He put live shrimps in his father's boots, And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits; He punched his poor little sisters' heads, And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds; He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax, And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs. The consequence was he was lost totally, And married a girl in the corps de bally ! ANGELA Marked you how grandly how relentlessly 57 Patience the damning catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised hawk, came swoop- ing down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was terrible ! ELLA Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our hearts, and they go out to you ! GROSVENOR (aside) This is simply cloying. (Aloud.) Ladies, I am sorry to distress you, but you have been following me about ever since Monday, and this is Saturday. I should like the usual half- holiday, and if you will kindly allow me to close early to-day, I shall take it as a personal favour. SAPHIR Oh, sir, do not send us from you ! GROSVENOR Poor, poor girls ! It is best to speak plainly. I know that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for my heart is fixed else- where ! Remember the fable of the Magnet and the Churn. ANGELA (wildly) But we don't know the fable of the Magnet and the Churn ! 58 Patience GROSVENOR Don't you ? Then I will sing it to you. SONG GROSVENOR A magnet hung in a hardware shop, And all around was a loving crop Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, Offering love for all their lives ; But for iron the magnet felt no whim, Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn ! ALL A Silver Churn ! GROSVENOR A Silver Churn ! His most aesthetic, Very magnetic Fancy took this turn "If I can wheedle A knife or needle, Why not a Silver Churn?'; CHORUS His most aesthetic, &c. GROSVENOR And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, The needles opened their well-drilled eyes, 59 Patience The penknives felt "shut up," no doubt, The scissors declared themselves "cut out," The kettles, they boiled with rage, 'tis said, While every nail went off its head, And hither and thither began to roam, Till a hammer came up and drove them home. ALL It drove them home? GROSVENOR It drove them home ! While this magnetic Peripatetic Lover he lived to learn, By no endeavour, Can magnet ever Attract a Silver Churn ! ALL While this magnetic, &c. [They go off in low spirits, gazing back at him from time to time. GROSVENOR At last they are gone ! What is this mys- terious fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests ! PATIENCE appears 60 Patience PATIENCE Archibald ! GROSVENOR (turns and sees her) Patience ! PATIENCE I have escaped with difficulty from my Regi- nald. I wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love me as fondly as ever? GROSVENOR Love you ? If the devotion of a lifetime (Seizes her hand.) PATIENCE (indignantly) Hold ! Unhand me, or I scream ! (He re- leases her.) If you are a gentleman, pray re- member that I am another's ! (Very tenderly.) But you do love me, don't you ? GROSVENOR Madly, hopelessly, despairingly! PATIENCE That's right ! I never can be yours ; but that's right ! GROSVENOR And you love this Bunthorne ? PATIENCE With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and 61 Patience scorches, and burns, and stings ! (Sadly.) It is my duty. GROSVENOR Admirable girl ! But you are not happy with him? PATIENCE Happy ? I am miserable beyond description ! GROSVENOR That's right ! I never can be yours ; but that's right ! PATIENCE But go now I see dear Reginald approach- ing. Farewell, dear Archibald, I cannot tell you how happy it has made me to know that you still love me. GROSVENOR Ah, if I only dared (Advances towards her.) PATIENCE Sir ! this language to one who is promised to another ! (Tenderly.) Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is breaking ! He is so unkind to me, and you would be so loving ! GROSVENOR Loving ! (Advances towards her.) 62 Patience PATIENCE Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I scream ! (Tenderly.) Farewell, Archibald! (Sternly.) Stop there! (Ten- derly.) Think of me sometimes ! (Angrily.) Advance at your peril ! Once more, adieu ! [GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and exit. She bursts into tears. Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and preoccupied. JANE sings In a melancholy train, One and one I walk all day; Pity those who love in vain None so sorrowful as they, Who can only sigh and say, Woe is me, alackaday ! BUNTHORNE (seeing PATIENCE) Crying, eh? What are you crying about? PATIENCE I've only been thinking how dearly I love you BUNTHORNE Love me ! Bah ! 63 Patience JANE Love him ! Bah ! BUNTHORNE (to lANE) Don't you interfere. JANE He always crushes me ! PATIENCE (going to him) What is the matter, dear Reginald ? If you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you. (Sighing.) It is my duty ! BUNTHORNE (snappishly) Whom were you talking with just now ? PATIENCE With dear Archibald. BUNTHORNE (furiously) With dear Archibald ! Upon my honour, this is too much ! JANE A great deal too much. BUNTHORNE (angrily to JANE) Do be quiet ! JANE Crushed again ! PATIENCE I think he is the noblest, purest, and most 6 4 Patience perfect being I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he is devotedly at- tached to me, but indeed I don't love him. Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty ! (Sighing.) BUNTHORNE I dare say. JANE So do I ! / dare say ! PATIENCE Why, how could I love him and love you too ? You can't love two people at once ! BUNTHORNE I don't believe you know what love is ! PATIENCE (sighing) Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me. BALLAD PATIENCE Love is a plaintive song, Sung by a suffering maid, Telling a tale of wrong, Telling of hope betrayed: Tuned to each changing note, Sorry when he is sad, Blind to his every mote, Merry when he is glad ! 65 Patience Love that no wrong can cure, Love that is always new, That is the love that's pure, That is the love that's true ! Rendering good for ill, Smiling at every frown, Yielding your own self-will, Laughing your tear-drops down, Never a selfish whim, Trouble, or pain to stir; Everything for him, Nothing at all for her ! Love that will aye endure, Though the rewards be few, That is the love that's pure, That is the love that's true ! [At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, weeping. BUNTHORNE Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced idiot came here. Before that I was admired I may say loved. JANE Too mild. Adored ! BUNTHORNE Do let a poet soliloquize ! The damozels used 66 Patience to follow me wherever I went; now they all follow him ! JANE Not all ! / am still faithful to you. BUNTHORNE Yes, and a pretty damozel you are ! JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up ! I will never leave you, I swear it ! BUNTHORNE Oh, thank you ! I know what it is ; it's his confounded mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please ! And no doubt I am highly spiced. JANE Not for my taste ! BUNTHORNE (savagely) No, but I am for theirs. But I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat him on it. JANE You shall. And I will help you. BUNTHORNE You will ? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, after all ! 67 Patience DUET BUNTHORNE AND JANE JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical BUNTHORNE Sing " Hey to you Good day to you ' ' And that's what I shall say ! JANE "Your style is too much sanctified your cut is too canonical" BUNTHORNE Sing " Bah to you Ha! ha! to you" And that's what I shall say! JANE "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heret- ical Until you cut me out with your placidity emet- ical" BUNTHORNE Sing " Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you" And that's what I shall say ! 68 Patience. BOTH Sing "Hey to you, good day to you" Sing " Bah to you, ha ! ha ! to you" Sing " Booh to you, pooh, pooh to you" (you) And that's what < > shall say ! ( I ) BUNTHORNE I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular JANE Say "Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you"- And that's what you should say ! BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair and stick an eyeglass in his ocular JANE Sing " Bah to you Ha! ha! to you"- And that's what you should say ! BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity 69 Patience He'd better clear away with all convenient rapidity. JANE Sing " Hey to you Good day to you" And that's what you should say ! BOTH Sing " Booh to you pooh, pooh to you" Sing " Bah to you ha ! ha ! to you"- Sing " Hey to you good day to you" And that's what < > shall say ! (you) [Exeunt JANE and BUNTHORNE together. Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR. They have abandoned their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of ^Esthetes. They have long hair, and other outward signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing, they walk in stiff, constrained and angular attitudes a grotesque exaggera- tion of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the young ladies in Act 7. TRIO DUKE, COLONEL and MAJOR It is clear that mediaeval art alone retains its zest, 70 Patience To charm and please its devotees we done our little best. We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring ; But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing: You hold yourself like this (attitude), You hold yourself like that (attitude), By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude). We venture to expect That what we recollect, Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect. If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid ; You can't get high Esthetic tastes, like trousers, ready made. True views on Mediaevalism Time alone will bring, But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing: You hold yourself like this (attitude), You hold yourself like that {attitude), By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude). 71 Patience To cultivate the trim Rigidity of limb, You ought to get a Marionette, and form voui style on him (attitude). COLONEL (attitude) Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become aesthetic as they are. MAJOR (attitude) No doubt. The only question is how far we've succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I have an idea that this is not quite right. DUKE (attitude) I don't like it. I never did. I don't see what it means. I do it, but I don't like it. COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it, but whether they do. They under- stand these things we don't. Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough at a distance. MAJOR I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It would be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so! 72 Patience COLONEL I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a little awkward at first but everything must have a beginning. Oh, here they come ! 'Tention ! They strike fresh attitudes as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter. ANGELA (seeing them) Oh, Saphir see see ! The immortal fire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood perceptively intense and consummately utter ! (The Officers have some difficulty in maintaining their constrained at- titudes.) SAPHIR (in admiration) How Botticellian ! How Fra Angelican ! Oh, Art, I thank thee for this boon ! COLONEL (apologetically) I'm afraid we're not quite right. ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so ail-but ! (To SAPHIR.) Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too ail-but ? SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter ! 73 Patience MAJOR (in agony) What do the Inner Brotherhood usually re- commend for cramp ? COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the extremity of our devo- tion to you. We trust that it is not without its effect. ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of your attachment. SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Esthetic Art in its highest development has touched us deeply. ANGELA And if Mr. Grosvenor should remain obdur- ate SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will MAJOR (aside in agony} I wish they'd make haste. ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will not go out to you. 74 Patience COLONEL (as giving a word of command) By sections of threes Rapture ! (All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of (esthetic rapture.) SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good for beginners it's admirable. MAJOR The only question is, who will take who ? SAPHIR Oh, the Duke choose first, as a matter of course. DUKE Oh, I couldn't think of it you are really too good! COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great mat- rimonial fish, and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes no- body. Suppose you choose Saphir, Major takes Angela, I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Clear as day ! 75 Patience QUINTET DUKE, COLONEL, MAJOR, ANGELA and SAPHIR DUKE (taking SAPHIR) If Saphir I choose to marry, I shall be fixed up for life ; Then the Colonel need not tarry, Angela can be his wife. (Handing ANGELA to COLONEL.) (DUKE dances with SAPHIR, COLONEL with ANGELA, MAJOR dances alone.) MAJOR (dancing alone) In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy! ALL (dancing as before) He will have to be contented With our heartfelt sympathy ! DUKE (taking ANGELA) If on Angy I determine, At my wedding she'll appear Decked in diamond and ermine, Major then can take Saphir ! (Handing SAPHIR to MAJOR.) (DUKE dances with ANGELA, MAJOR with SAPHIR, COLONEL dances alone.) 76 Patience COLONEL (dancing) In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die I shall have to be contented, With their heartfelt sympathy! ALL (dancing as before) He will have to be contented, With our heartfelt sympathy! DUKE (taking both ANGELA and SAPHIR) After some debate internal, If on neither I decide, Saphir then can take the Colonel, (Handing SAPHIR to COLONEL.) Angy be the Major's bride ! (Handing ANGELA to MAJOR.) (COLONEL dances with SAPHIR, MAJOR with ANGELA, DUKE dances alone.} DUKE (dancing) In that case unprecedented, Single I must live and die I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy! ALL (dancing as before) He will have to be contented With our heartfelt sympathy ! 77 Patience [At the end, DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, and two girls dance off arm in arm. Enter GROSVENOR GROSVENOR It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may gaze upon at their good will. (Looking at his reflection in hand mirror.) Ah, I am a very Narcissus ! Enter BUNTHORNE moodily. BUNTHORNE It's no use, I can't live without admiration. Since Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is there ! GROSVENOR Ah, Bunthorne ! come here look ! Very graceful, isn't it? BUNTHORNE (taking hand mirror) Yes, it is graceful. GROSVENOR (re-taking hand mirror) Oh, good gracious ! not that this BUNTHORNE You don't mean that ! Bah ! I am in no mood for trifling. GROSVENOR And what is amiss ? 78 Patience BUNTHORNE Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir ! GROSVENOR My dear sir, how can I help it ? They are the plague of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet. BUNTHORNE Sir, until you came here I was adored I GROSVENOR Exactly until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut everybody out ! I assure you, if you could only suggest some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could only escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my everlasting gratitude. BUNTHORNE I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable to me. GROSVENOR Is it ? (Shaking his hand.) Oh, thank you ! thank you ! How can I express my gratitude ? 79 Patience BUNTHORNE By making a complete change at once. Your conversation must henceforth be perfectly mat- ter-of-fact. You must cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you must be absolutely commonplace. GROSVENOR (decidedly) No. Pardon me, that's impossible. BUNTHORNE Take care. When I am thwarted I am very terrible. GROSVENOR I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that mission must be fulfilled. BUNTHORNE I don't think you quite appreciate the con- sequences of thwarting me. GROSVENOR I don't care what they are. BUNTHORNE Suppose I won't go so far as to say that I will do it but suppose for one moment I were to curse you ? (GROSVENOR quails.) Ah ! Very well. Take care. 80 Patience GROSVENOR But surely you would never do that? (In great alarm.) BUNTHORNE I don't know. It would be an extreme meas- ure, no doubt. Still GROSVENOR (wildly) But you would not do it I am sure you would not. (Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE'S knees, and clinging to him.) Oh, reflect, reflect ! You had a mother once. BUNTHORNE Never ! GROSVENOR Then you had an aunt ! (BUNTHORNE af- fected.) Ah ! I see you had ! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne, reflect, reflect ! (Weeping.) BUNTHORNE (Aside, after a struggle with himself) I must not allow myself to be unmanned I (Aloud.) It is useless. Consent at once, or may a nephew's curse GROSVENOR Hold ! Are you absolutely resolved ? to Patience BUNTHORNE Absolutely. GROSVENOR Will nothing shake you? BUNTHORNE Nothing. I am adamant. GROSVENOR Very good. (Rising.) Then I yield. BUNTHORNE Ha ! You swear it ? GROSVENOR I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable pretext for such a change as you sug- gest. It has come at last. I do it on compul- sion ! BUNTHORNE Victory ! I triumph ! DUET BUNTHORNE AND GROSVENOR BUNTHORNE When I go out of door, Of damozels a score (All sighing and burning, And clinging and yearning) Will follow me as before. II Patience I shall, with cultured taste, Distinguish gems from paste, And "High diddle diddle" Will rank as an idyll, If I pronounce it chaste ! A most intense young man, A soulful-eyed young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, Out-of-the-way young man ! BOTH A most intense young man, &c. GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can, An every-day young man: A commonplace type, With a stick and a pipe, And a half-bred black-and-tan ; Who thinks suburban "hops" More fun than "Monday Pops," Who's fond of his dinner, And doesn't get thinner On bottled beer and chops. A commonplace young man, A matter-of-fact young man, A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday Every-day young man ! 83 Patience BUNTHORNB A Japanese young man, A blue and-white young man, Francesca di Rimini, miminy, pitniny, Je-ne-sais-quoi young man ! GROSVENOR A Chancery Lane young man, A Somerset House young man, A very delectable, highly respectable, Threepenny-'bus young man ! BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man, A haggard and lank young man, A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, Foot-in-the-grave young man ! GROSVENOR A Sewell & Cross young man, A Howell & James young man, A pushing young particle what's the next article Waterloo House young man ! ENSEMBLE BUNTHORNE Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, 84 Patience An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, Out-of-the-way young man ! GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can, A matter-of-fact young man, An alphabetical, arithmetical, Every-day young man ! [At the end, GROSVENOR dances off. BUNTHORNE remains. BUNTHORNE It is all right ! I have committed my last act of ill-nature, and henceforth I am a re- formed character. (Dances about stage, hum- ming refrain of last air.) Enter PATIENCE. She gazes in astonish- ment at him. PATIENCE Reginald ! Dancing ! And what in the world is the matter with you ? BUNTHORNE Patience, I am a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy, moody, fitful uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition PATIENCE You have, indeed ! (Sighing.) Patience BUNTHORNE All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My con- versation will blend amusement with instruc- tion. I shall still be aesthetic ; but my aestheti- cism will be of the most pastoral kind. PATIENCE Oh, Reginald ! Is all this true ? BUNTHORNE Quite true. Observe how amiable I am, (Assuming a fixed smile.) PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last ? BUNTHORNE With occasional intervals for rest and re- freshment, as long as I do. PATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy ! (In his arms.) Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer be a duty to love you, but a pleasure a rapture an ecstasy ! BUNTHORNE My darling ! 86 Patience PATIENCE But oh, horror ! (Recoiling from him.) BUNTHORNE What's the matter? PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed that you are henceforth a perfect being utterly free from defect of any kind ? BUNTHORNE It is quite certain. I have sworn it ! PATIENCE Then I can never be yours ! BUNTHORNE Why not? PATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you have now become ! BUNTHORNE But stop a bit, I don't want to reform I'll relapse I'll be as I was PATIENCE No; love should purify it should never debase. BUNTHORNE But I assure you, I interrupted ! 87 Patience Enter GROSVENOR, followed by all the young ladies, who are followed by chorv-s of Dragoons. He has had his hair cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit of dittos and a pot hat. They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast to their former languor. CHORUS GROSVENOR AND GIRLS GROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man, A Sewell & Cross young man, A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday, Every-day young man ! GIRLS We're Swears & Wells young girls, We're Madame Louise young girls, We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, Every-day young girls ! GROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man ! GIRLS We're Swears & Wells young girls ! GROSVENOR I'm a Sewell & Cross voung man ! 88 Patience GIRLS We're Madame Louise young girls ! GROSVENOR I'm a steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday, Every-day young man ! GIRLS We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, Every-day young girls ! BUNTHORNE Angela Ella Saphir what what does this mean ? ANGELA It means that Archibald the All-Right can- not be wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, it proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded. PATIENCE Oh, Archibald ! Archibald ! I'm shocked surprised horrified ! GROSVENOR I can't help it. I am not a free agent. I do it on compulsion. PATIENCE This is terrible. Go I I shall never set eyes on you again. But oh joy ! Patience GROSVENOR What is the matter? PATIENCE Is it quite, quite certain that you will always be a commonplace young man ? GROSVENOR Always I have sworn it. PATIENCE Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving you with all the fervour at my command ! GROSVENOR Why, that's true. PATIENCE My Archibald ! GROSVENOR My Patience ! (They embrace.) BUNTHORNE Crushed again ! Enter JANE JANE (who is still esthetic) Cheer up ! I am still here. I have never left you, and I never will ! BUNTHORNE Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no deny- ing it, you're a fine figure of a woman ! 90 Patience JANE My Reginald ! BUNTHORNE My Jane ! Flourish. Enter COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR. COLONEL Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a bride ! (General excitement.) DUKE I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you as are truly lovely. (All come forward bashfully, except JANE and PATIENCE.) In personal beauty you have all that is necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the misfortune to be distinctly plain. (Girls retire disappointed.) Jane ! JANE (leaving BUNTHORNE'S arms.) Duke ! (JANE and DUKE embrace. BUN- THORNE is utterly disgusted.) BUNTHORNE Crushed again ! FINALE DUKE After much debate internal, I on Lady Jane decide, 91 Patience Saphir now may take the Colonel, Angy be the Major's bride ! (SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, ANGELA with MAJOR, ELLA with SOLICITOR.) BUNTHORNE In that case unprecedented, Single I must live and die I shall have to be contented With a tulip or Vdy! (Takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes affectionately at it.) ALL He will have to be contented With a tulip or lily! Greatly pleased with one another, To get married we decide, Each of us will wed the other, Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride! DANCE PATIENCE and GROSVENOR embrace. BUNTHORNE falls, overwhelmed with distress, in centre of stage. CURTAIN 92 University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. LI-URt 1 Of. CALIF. LIBRAS*. US MUSIC LIBRARY PR P27 1902 PATIENCE; or BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE h W. S. Gilbert