Music 
 LIB. 
 
 
 ENCE; or BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 
 
 W. S. Gilbert
 
 f /c 
 
 X * i jrr- 
 , /
 
 PATIENCE ; OR 
 BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE
 
 patience i 
 
 or 
 
 By 
 W. S. GILBERT 
 
 With new introduction 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 Doubleday, Page & Company 
 1902
 
 Copyright, 1901, by 
 
 DOUBLEDAY, PACK & CO. 
 
 Published September, 1902
 
 Librairy 
 
 \3 
 
 AUTHOR'S NOTE 
 
 A |^HE genesis of " Patience " is to be found in the 
 "Bab Ballad," called " The Rival Curates." In 
 the original draft of the MS. of my play Reginald 
 Bunthorne and Archibald Grosvenor were two clergy- 
 men belonging to adjoining parishes, as in the ballad, 
 and the Reverend Mr. Bunthorne was attended by a 
 team of enthusiastic lady worshippers who had been 
 fascinated by the lamb-like meekness of his demeanour. 
 In the course of the piece this body of devotees, having 
 discovered that the Reverend Mr. Grosvenor was even 
 meeker than Mr. Bunthorne, transferred their affec- 
 tions, en bloc> to Mr. Grosvenor, one admirer only, 
 Lady Jane, remaining faithful to Mr. Bunthorne. 
 Enraged at this successful opposition, Mr. Bunthorne 
 commissioned Lady Jane to go to Mr. Grosvenor and 
 explain to him, in the fiercest and most uncompromis- 
 ing terms, that unless he abandoned, at once, his 
 blameless attitude, and forthwith became a reckless and 
 unconventional renegade, holding the broadest possible 
 views of his duties as a clergyman, the consequences 
 to him would be of the most painful and humiliating 
 description. Lady Jane faithfully and successfully 
 discharged this mission (entrusted in the ballad to the
 
 Author's Note 
 
 sexton and the beadle), and Mr. Grosvenor, who had 
 no real sympathy with an attitude that only an over- 
 whelming sense of duty had compelled him to adopt, 
 joyfully acceded to Bunthorne's requirements, satisfy- 
 ing his conscience with the excuse that his wholesale 
 violation of clerical proprieties was the effect of an 
 irresistible force majeure. A body of dragoons was 
 introduced who, having endeavoured in vain to divert 
 the attention of the young ladies from the fascinating 
 curates, determined at length to "take orders," and, 
 having done so, were rewarded for their enterprising 
 volte face by the ladies who had in the meantime be- 
 come thoroughly disgusted with the conduct of the 
 adored curates. 
 
 While I was engaged upon the construction of this 
 plot, I became uneasy at the thought of the danger 
 I was incurring by dealing so freely with members of 
 the clerical order, and I felt myself crippled at every 
 turn by the necessity of protecting myself from a 
 charge of irreverence. So I cast about for a group of 
 personages who should fit, more or less neatly, into the 
 plot as already devised, and who should allow me a 
 freer hand in making them amusing to my audiences. 
 At that time the so-called " aesthetic craze " was just 
 becoming popular, mainly owing to the late Mr. 
 Du Maurier's admirable pictorial satires in Punch. As 
 I lay awake one night, worrying over the difficulties 
 that I had prepared for myself, the idea suddenly 
 flashed upon me that if I made Bunthorne and Gros- 
 venor a couple of yearning " aesthetics " and the young 
 
 vi
 
 Author's Note 
 
 ladies their ardent admirers, all anxieties as to the 
 consequences of making them extremely ridiculous 
 would be at once overcome. Elated at the idea, I ran 
 down at once to my library, and in an. hour or so I 
 had entirely rearranged the piece upon a secure and 
 satisfactory basis. The "aesthetes" were accepted 
 without hesitation by the public, and the piece ran for 
 about two years. When it was revived after a lapse 
 of nineteen years, the " asthetic craze" was as dead 
 as Queen Anne, and no little anxiety was felt by the 
 management of the Savoy Theatre as to how the 
 piece would be received. However, we were not a 
 little surprised and relieved to find that the allusions 
 to the absurdities formerly connected with the mania 
 had lost nothing of their normal significance. The 
 revival ran merrily for eight months. 
 
 W. S. GILBERT. 
 
 Vll
 
 PATIENCE; 
 OR BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE EXTERIOR OF CASTLE BUNTHORNE. 
 
 Entrance to Castle by drawbridge over moat. 
 Young ladies dressed in classical draperies 
 are grouped about the stage. They play on 
 lutes, mandolins, &c., as they sing, and all 
 are in the last stage of despair. ANGELA, 
 ELLA, and SAPHIR lead them. 
 
 CHORUS 
 Twenty love-sick maidens we, 
 
 Love-sick all against our will. 
 Twenty years hence we shall be 
 
 Twenty love-sick maidens still. 
 
 SOLO ANGELA 
 Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die 
 
 ALL 
 
 Ah, miserie !
 
 Patience 
 
 ANGELA 
 Yet my love lives, although no hope have I 
 
 ALL 
 
 Ah, miserie ! 
 ANGELA 
 
 Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away 
 
 ALL 
 
 Ah, miserie ! 
 ANGELA 
 
 To weeping concords tune thy roundelay ! 
 
 ALL 
 
 Ah, miserie ! 
 
 CHORUS 
 All our love is all for one, 
 
 Yet that love he heedeth not, 
 He is coy and cares for none, 
 Sad and sorry is our lot ! 
 
 Ah, miserie 1 
 
 SOLO ELLA 
 Go, breaking heart, 
 
 Go, dream of love requited; 
 Go, foolish heart, 
 
 Go, dream of lovers plighted; 
 Go, madcap heart, 
 
 Go, dream of never waking;
 
 Patience 
 
 And in thy dream 
 
 Forget that them art breaking ! 
 ALL 
 
 Ah, miserie ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 There is a strange magic in this love of ours ! 
 Rivals as we all are in the affections of our 
 Reginald, the very hopelessness of our love is 
 a bond that binds us to one another ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the 
 very cynosure of our eyes and hearts, remains 
 icy insensible what have we to strive for ? 
 
 ELLA 
 
 The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting 
 as the taxes ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 Would that it were ! He pays his taxes. 
 
 ANGELA 
 And cherishes the receipts ! 
 
 (Enter LADY JANE.) 
 
 JANE (suddenly) 
 Fools! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 I beg your pardon ? 
 
 3
 
 Patience 
 
 JANE 
 
 Fools and blind ! The man loves wildly 
 loves ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 But whom ? None of us ! 
 
 JANE 
 
 No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, 
 for the nonce, on Patience, the village milk- 
 maid ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 On Patience ? Oh, it cannot be ! 
 
 JANE 
 
 Bah ! But yesterday I caught him in her 
 dairy, eating fresh butter with a tablespoon. 
 To-day he is not well ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 But Patience boasts that she has never 
 loved that love is, to her, a sealed book! 
 Oh, he cannot be serious ! 
 JANE 
 
 'Tis but a fleeting fancy 'twill quickly pass 
 away. (Aside.) Oh, Reginald, if you but 
 knew what a wealth of golden love is waiting 
 for you, stored up in this rugged old bosom of 
 mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short 
 indeed ! (All sigh wearily.) 
 
 4
 
 Patience 
 
 (PATIENCE appears on an eminence. She 
 looks down with pity on the despondent 
 ladies.) 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Still brooding on their mad infatuation ! 
 
 I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me ! 
 Far happier I, free from thy ministration, 
 Than dukes or duchesses who love can be ! 
 
 SAPHIR (looking up) 
 
 Tis Patience happy girl ! Loved by a 
 Poet! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you ! 
 (Going.) 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Nay, pretty, child, come hither. Is it true 
 That you have never loved? 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Most true indeed. 
 SOPRANOS 
 Most marvellous ! 
 
 CONTRALTOS 
 And most deplorable ! 
 
 SONG PATIENCE 
 
 I cannot tell what this love may be 
 That cometh to all, but not to me. 
 
 s
 
 Patience 
 
 It cannot be kind as they'd imply, 
 Or why do these gentle ladies sigh ? 
 It cannot be joy and rapture deep, 
 Or why do these gentle ladies weep ? 
 It cannot be blissful as 'tis said, 
 Or why are their eyes so wondrous red ? 
 
 Though everywhere true love I see 
 A-coming to all, but not to me, 
 I cannot tell what this love may be ! 
 For I am blithe and I am gay, 
 While they sit sighing all night, all day. 
 Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me, 
 "Pal la la la!" and "Miserie!" 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Yes, she is blithe, &c. 
 PATIENCE 
 
 If love is a thorn, they show no wit 
 Who foolishly hug and foster it. 
 If love is a weed, how simple they 
 Who gather and gather it, day by day ! 
 If love is a nettle that makes you smart, 
 Why do you wear it next your heart ? 
 And if it be none of these, say I, 
 Why do you sit and sob and sigh? 
 Though everywhere, &c. 
 
 6
 
 Patience 
 
 CHORUS 
 For she is blithe, &c. 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you 
 have never known true happiness ! (All sigh.) 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 But the truly happy always seem to have so 
 much on their minds. The truly happy 
 never seem quite well. 
 
 JANE 
 
 There is a transcendentality of delirium an 
 acute accentuation of supremest esctasy 
 which the earthy might easily mistake for in- 
 digestion. But it is not indigestion it is aes- 
 thetic transfiguration ! (To the others.) Enough 
 of babble. Come ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 But I have some news for you. The Thirty- 
 fifth Dragoon Guards have halted in the village, 
 and are even now on their way to this very 
 spot. 
 
 ANGELA 
 The Thirty-fifth Dragoon Guards ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 They are fleshly men, of full habit ! 
 
 7
 
 Patience 
 
 ELLA 
 We care nothing for Dragoon Guards ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 But, bless me, you were all in love with them 
 a year ago ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 A year ago ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 My poor child, you don't understand these 
 things. A year ago they were very well in our 
 eyes, but since then our tastes have been ether- 
 ealized, our perceptions exalted. (To others.) 
 Come, it is time to lift up our voices in morning 
 carol to our Reginald. Let us to his door. 
 
 The ladies go off, two and two, into the Castle, 
 singing refrain of " Twenty love-sick maidens 
 we, " and accompanying themselves on harps 
 and mandolins. PATIENCE watches them 
 in surprise, as she climbs the rock by 
 which she entered. 
 
 March. Enter Officers of Dragoon Guards, led 
 by MAJOR. 
 
 CHORUS OF DRAGOONS 
 
 The soldiers of our Queen 
 
 Are linked in friendly tether; 
 8
 
 Patience 
 
 Upon the battle scene 
 They fight the foe together. 
 
 There every mother's son 
 Prepared to fight and fall is; 
 
 The enemy of one 
 The enemy of all is ! 
 
 Enter COLONEL 
 
 SONG COLONEL 
 If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, 
 
 Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, 
 Take all the remarkable people in history, 
 
 Rattle them off to a popular tune. 
 The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the 
 
 Victory 
 
 Genius of Bismarck devising a plan 
 The humour of Fielding (which sounds contra- 
 dictory) 
 
 Coolness of Paget about to trepan 
 The science of Jullien, the eminent musico 
 Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen 
 
 Anne 
 The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Bouci- 
 
 cault 
 
 Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man 
 The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery 
 Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray
 
 Patience 
 
 Victor Emmanuel peak-haunting Peveril 
 Thomas Aquinas, the Doctor Sacheverell 
 Tupper and Tennyson Daniel Defoe 
 Anthony Trollope and Mr. Guizot ! 
 
 Take of these elements all that is fusible, 
 Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, 
 Set them to simmer and take off the scum, 
 And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum 1 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes ! 
 A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 If you want a receipt for this soldier-like para- 
 gon, 
 
 Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can) 
 The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon 
 
 Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban 
 
 A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and 
 rollicky 
 
 Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan 
 The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky 
 
 Grace of an Odalisque on a divan 
 The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal 
 Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal
 
 Patience 
 
 Flavour of Hamlet the Stranger, a touch of 
 
 him 
 
 Little of Manfred (but not very much of him) 
 Beadle of Burlington Richardson's show 
 Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud ! 
 Take of these elements all that is fusible, 
 Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, 
 Set them to simmer and take off the scum, 
 And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 
 
 ALL 
 
 Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes ! 
 A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 Well, here we are again on the scene of our 
 former triumphs. But where's the Duke ? 
 Enter DUKE OF DUNSTABLE, listlessly, and in 
 low spirits. 
 
 DUKE 
 Here I am ! (Sighs.) 
 
 COLONEL 
 Come, cheer up, don't give way ! 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil 
 can be expected to be, who has the misfortune 
 to be a duke, with a thousand a day !
 
 Patience 
 
 MAJOR 
 Humph ! Most men would envy you ! 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of 
 toffee ? 
 
 MAJOR 
 Very! 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 We are all fond of toffee. 
 ALL 
 
 We are ! 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital 
 thing. But to live on toffee toffee for break- 
 fast, toffee for dinner, toffee for tea to have 
 it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee, 
 and that you would consider yourself insulted 
 if anything but toffee were offered to you 
 how would you like that ? 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 I can believe that, under those circumstances, 
 even toffee would become monotonous. 
 
 DUKE 
 
 For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and 
 abject deference, carried to such a pitch that I 
 
 12
 
 Patience 
 
 began, at last, to think that man was born bent 
 at an angle of forty-five degrees ! Great 
 heavens, what is there to adulate in me ! Am I 
 particularly intelligent, or remarkably studious, 
 or excruciatingly witty, or unusually accom- 
 plished, or exceptionally virtuous ? 
 
 COLONEL 
 You're about as commonplace a young man 
 
 as ever I saw. 
 
 ALL 
 
 You are ! 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Exactly ! That's it exactly ! That describes 
 me to a T ! Thank you all very much ! Well, 
 I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this 
 regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be 
 occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, 
 who knows? The thought was rapture, and 
 here I am. 
 
 COLONEL (looking off) 
 Yes, and here are the ladies ! 
 
 DUKE 
 But who is the gentleman with the long hair ? 
 
 COLONEL 
 I don't know. 
 
 13
 
 Patience 
 
 DUKE 
 He seems popular ! 
 
 COLONEL 
 He does seem popular ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE enters, followed by ladies, two and 
 two, singing and playing on harps as 
 before. He is composing a poem, and 
 quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks 
 across stage followed by ladies. They 
 take no notice of Dragoons to the surprise 
 and indignation of those Officers. 
 
 CHORUS OF LADIES 
 
 In a melancholy train 
 
 Two and two we walk all day 
 Pity those who love in vain ! 
 None so sorrowful as they 
 
 Who can only sigh and say, 
 Woe is me, alackaday ! 
 
 CHORUS OP DRAGOONS 
 Now is not this ridiculous and is not this 
 
 preposterous ? 
 
 A thorough-paced absurdity explain it if 
 you can. 
 
 14
 
 Patience 
 
 Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and 
 
 foster us, 
 
 They all prefer this melancholy literary man. 
 Instead of slyly peering at us, 
 Casting looks endearing at us, 
 Blushing at us, flushing at us flirting with a 
 
 fan: 
 They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, 
 
 jeering at us ! 
 
 Pretty sort of treatment for a military man ! 
 Pretty sort of treatment for a military man ! 
 
 CHORUS OF LADIES 
 Mystic poet, hear our prayer, 
 
 Twenty-love sick maidens we 
 Young and wealthy, dark and fair 
 
 And we die for love of thee ! 
 
 Yes, we die for love of thee 
 Twenty love-sick maidens we ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (aside slyly) 
 
 Though my book I seem to scan 
 
 In a rapt ecstatic way, 
 Like a literary man 
 
 Who despises female clay, 
 I hear plainly all they say, 
 Twenty love-sick maidens they ! 
 
 is
 
 Patience 
 
 OFFICERS (to each other) 
 He hears plainly, &c. 
 
 ELLA 
 Though so excellently wise, 
 
 For a moment mortal be, 
 Deign to raise thy purple eyes 
 
 From thy heart-drawn poesy. 
 Twenty love-sick maidens see 
 Each is kneeling on her knee ! (All kneel.) 
 
 CHORUS OF LADIES 
 Twenty love-sick, &c. 
 
 BUNTHORNE (aside) 
 Though, as I remarked before, 
 
 Any one convinced would be 
 That some transcendental lore 
 
 Is monopolizing me, 
 Round the corner I can see 
 Each is kneeling on her knee ! 
 
 OFFICERS (to each other) 
 Round the corner, &c. 
 
 ENSEMBLE 
 
 OFFICERS 
 Now is not this ridiculous, &c. 
 
 16
 
 Patience 
 
 LADIES 
 Mystic poet, hear our prayer, &c. 
 
 BUNTHORNE (aside) 
 Though my book I seem to scan, &c. 
 
 COLONEL 
 Angela ! what is the meaning of this ? 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Oh, sir, leave us ; our minds are but ill-attuned 
 to light love-talk. 
 
 MAJOR 
 But what in the world has come over you all ? 
 
 JANE 
 
 Bunthorne ! He has come over us. He has 
 come among us, and he has idealized us. 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Has he succeeded in idealizing you ? 
 
 JANE 
 
 He has ! 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Bravo, Bunthorne ! 
 
 JANE 
 
 My eyes are open; I droop despairingly; I 
 am soulfully intense ; I am limp and I cling !
 
 Patience 
 
 (During this BUNTHORNE is seen in all the 
 agonies of composition. The ladies are 
 watching him intently as he writhes. At 
 last, he hits on the word he wants and writes 
 it down. A general sense of relief.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Finished ! At last ! Finished ! 
 (He staggers, overcome with the mental strain, 
 into arms of COLONEL.) 
 
 COLONEL 
 Are you better now ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Yes Oh, it's you I am better now. The 
 poem is finished, and my soul has gone out into 
 it. That was all. It was nothing worth men- 
 tioning, it occurs three times a day. (Sees 
 PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.) 
 Ah, Patience ! Dear Patience ! (Holds her 
 hand; she seems frightened.) 
 
 ANGELA 
 Will it please you to read it to us, sir? 
 
 SAPHIR 
 This we supplicate. (All kneel.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Shall I? 
 
 18
 
 Patience 
 
 ALL THE DRAGOONS 
 No! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (annoyed to PATIENCE) 
 I will read it if you bid me ! 
 
 PATIENCE (much frightened) 
 You can if you like ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 It is a wild, weird, fleshly thing; yet very 
 tender, very yearning, very precious. It is 
 called, " Oh, Hollow ! Hollow ! Hollow ! " 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Is it a hunting song ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting 
 song. It is the wail of the poet's heart on dis- 
 covering that everything is commonplace. To 
 understand it, cling passionately to one another 
 and think of faint lilies. (They do so as he 
 recites) 
 
 "OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!" 
 
 What time the poet hath hymned 
 The writhing maid, lithe-limbed, 
 Quivering on amaranthine asphodel, 
 
 19
 
 Patienc 
 
 How can he paint her woes, 
 Knowing, as well he knows, 
 
 That all can be set right with calomel? 
 
 When from the poet's plinth 
 The amorous colocynth 
 
 Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous 
 
 thrills, 
 
 How can he hymn their throes 
 Knowing, as well he knows, 
 
 That they are only uncompounded pills? 
 
 Is it, and can it be, 
 Nature hath this decree, 
 
 Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell? 
 Or that in all her works 
 Something poetic lurks, 
 
 Even in colocynth and calomel ? 
 
 I cannot tell. 
 ANGELA 
 How purely fragrant ! 
 
 SAPHIR 
 How earnestly precious ! 
 
 DUKE 
 Well, it seems to me to be nonsense. 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 Nonsense, yes, perhaps but oh, what pre- 
 cious nonsense !
 
 Patience 
 
 ALL 
 Ah! 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 This is all very well, but you seem to forget 
 that you are engaged to us. 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 It can never be. You are not Empyrean. 
 You are not Delia Cruscan. You are not even 
 Early English. Oh, be Early English ere it is 
 too late ! (Officers look at each other in astonish- 
 ment.} 
 
 JANE (looking at uniform) 
 Red and yellow ! Primary colours ! Oh, 
 South Kensington ! 
 
 DUKE 
 
 We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't 
 see how they could be improved. 
 
 JANE 
 
 No, you wouldn't. Still, there is a cobwebby 
 grey velvet, with a tender bloom like cold 
 gravy, which, made Florentine fourteenth cen- 
 tury, trimmed with Venetian leather and 
 Spanish altar lace, and surmounted with some- 
 thing Japanese it matters not what would at 
 least be Early English ! Come, maidens. (Ex- 
 eunt maidens, two and two, singing refrain of 
 
 ai
 
 Patience 
 
 " Twenty love-sick maidens we." The Officers 
 watch them off in astonishment.) 
 
 DUKE 
 Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British 
 
 uniform 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 A uniform that has been as successful in the 
 courts of Venus as in the field of Mars ! 
 
 SONG COLONEL 
 
 When I first put this uniform on, 
 I said, as I looked in the glass, 
 " It's one to a million 
 That any civilian 
 My figure and form will surpass. 
 Gold lace has a charm for the fair, 
 And I've plenty of that, and to spare, 
 While a lover's professions, 
 When uttered in Hessians, 
 Are eloquent everywhere !" 
 
 A fact that I counted upon, 
 When I first put this uniform on ! 
 
 CHORUS OF DRAGOONS 
 By a simple coincidence, few 
 
 Could ever have reckoned upon, 
 The same thing occurred to me, too, 
 
 When I first put this uniform on ! 
 
 99
 
 Patience 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 I said, when I first put it on, 
 " It is plain to the veriest dunce 
 That every beauty 
 Will feel it her duty 
 To yield to its glamour at once. 
 
 They will see that I'm freely gold-laced 
 In a uniform handsome and chaste" 
 But the peripatetics 
 Of long-haired aesthetics 
 Are very much more to their taste 
 Which I never counted upon, 
 When I first put this uniform on ! 
 
 CHORUS 
 By a simple coincidence, few 
 
 Could ever have counted upon, 
 I didn't anticipate that, 
 When I first put this uniform on ! 
 
 [The Dragoons go off angrily. 
 
 (As soon as he is alone, BUNTHORNE changes his 
 manner and becomes intensely melodramatic.) 
 
 RECITATIVE AND SONG BUNTHORNE 
 Am I alone, 
 
 And unobserved? I am! 
 Then let me own 
 
 I'm an aesthetic sham ! 
 
 23
 
 Patience 
 
 This air severe 
 Is but a mere 
 Veneer ! 
 
 This cynic smile 
 Is but a wile 
 
 Of guile ! 
 
 This costume chaste 
 Is but good taste 
 Misplaced ! 
 Let me confess ! 
 
 A languid love for lilies does not blight me ! 
 Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight 
 
 me ! 
 I do not care for dirty greens 
 
 By any means. 
 I do not long for all one sees 
 
 That's Japanese. 
 I am not fond of uttering platitudes 
 
 In stained-glass attitudes. 
 In short, my mediaevalism's affectation, 
 Born of a morbid love of admiration ! 
 
 SONG 
 
 If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic 
 line as a man of culture rare, 
 
 You must get up all the germs of the trans- 
 cendental terms, and plant them every- 
 where. 
 
 24
 
 Patience 
 
 You must lie upon the daisies and discourse 
 
 in novel phrases of your complicated 
 
 state of mind, 
 The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle 
 
 chatter of a transcendental kind. 
 And every one will say, 
 As you walk your mystic way, 
 " If this young man expresses himself in terms 
 
 too deep for me, 
 Why, what a very singularly deep young man 
 
 this deep young man must be !" 
 
 Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days 
 
 which have long since passed away, 
 And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign 
 
 of good Queen Anne was Culture's 
 
 palmiest day. 
 Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh 
 
 and new, and declare it's crude and mean, 
 For Art stopped short in the cultivated court 
 
 of the Empress Josephine. 
 And every one will say, 
 As you walk your mystic way, 
 " If that's not good enough for him which is not 
 
 good enough for me, 
 Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this 
 
 kind of youth must be !" 
 
 25
 
 Patience 
 
 Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable 
 
 fashion must excite your languid spleen, 
 An attachment d la Plato for a bashful young 
 
 potato, or a not-too-French French bean ! 
 Though the Philistines may jostle, you will 
 
 rank as an apostle in the high aesthetic 
 
 band, 
 If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a 
 
 lily in your mediaeval hand. 
 And every one will say, 
 As you walk your flowery way, 
 "If he's content with a vegetable love which 
 
 would certainly not suit me, 
 Why, what a most particularly pure young man 
 
 this pure young man must be !" 
 
 [At the end of his song PATIENCE enters. He 
 sees her. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Ah ! Patience, come hither. I am pleased 
 with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds 
 all else hollow, is pleased with thee. For vou 
 are not hollow. Are you? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 I beg your pardon I interrupt you. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Life is made up of interruptions. The tor- 
 ad
 
 Patience 
 
 tured soul, yearning for solitude, writhes under 
 them. Oh, but my heart is a- weary ! Oh, I 
 am a cursed thing ! Don't go. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Really, I'm very sorry 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn ? 
 
 PATIENCE (misunderstanding him) 
 I earn my living. 
 
 BUNTHORNE (impatiently) 
 No, no ! Do you know what it is to be heart- 
 hungry ? Do you know what it is to yearn for 
 the Indefinable, and yet to be brought face to 
 face, daily, with the Multiplication Table? 
 Do you know what it is to seek oceans and to 
 find puddles? to long for whirlwinds and to 
 have to do the best thing you can with the bel- 
 lows? That's my case. Oh, I am a cursed 
 
 thing! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 If you please, I don't understand you you 
 
 frighten me ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Don't be frightened it's only poetry. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 If that's poetry, I don't like poetry. 
 27
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE (eagerly) 
 
 Don't you? (Aside.) Can I trust her? 
 (Aloud.) Patience, you don't like poetry- 
 well, between you and me, / don't like poetry. 
 It's hollow, unsubstantial unsatisfactory. 
 What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields 
 when you know you can't get 'em, and would 
 only let 'em out on building leases if you had 
 'em? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Sir, I 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Don't go. Patience, I have long loved you. 
 Let me tell you a secret. I am not as bilious 
 as I look. If you like I will cut my hair. 
 There is more innocent fun within me than a 
 casual spectator would imagine. You have 
 never seen me frolicsome. Be a good girl a 
 very good girl and you shall. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of 
 love I am untaught. I have never loved but 
 my great-aunt. But I am quite certain that, 
 under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly 
 love you. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Oh, you think not ? 
 
 28
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite. 
 
 BUNTHORNE (releasing her) 
 Very good. Life is henceforth a blank. I 
 don't care what becomes of me. I have only to 
 ask that you will not abuse my confidence: 
 though you despise me, I am extremely popular 
 with the other young ladies. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 I only ask that you will leave me and never 
 renew the subject. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate I 
 go. (Recites.) 
 
 "Oh, to be wafted away, 
 
 From this black Aceldama of sorrow, 
 Where the dust of an earthy to-day 
 Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow !" 
 
 It is a little thing of my own. I call it " Heart 
 Foam." I shall not publish it. Farewell! 
 
 [Exit BUNTHORNE. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 What on earth does it all mean ? Why does 
 he love me? Why does he expect me to love 
 him ? He's not a relation ! It frightens me ! 
 
 29
 
 Patience 
 
 Enter ANGELA 
 
 ANGELA 
 Why, Patience, what is the matter ? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, 
 what on earth is this love that upsets every- 
 body; and, secondly, how is it to be distin- 
 guished from insanity ? 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Poor blind child ! Oh, forgive her, Eros ! 
 Why, love is of all passions the most essential ! 
 It is the embodiment of purity, the abstraction 
 of refinement ! it is the one unselfish emotion in 
 this whirlpool of grasping greed ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Oh, dear, oh ! (Beginning to cry.) 
 
 ANGELA 
 Why are you crying ? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 To think that I have lived all these years 
 without having experienced this ennobling and 
 unselfish passion ! Why, what a wicked girl I 
 must be ! For it is unselfish, isn't it ? 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Absolutely. Love that is tainted with selfish- 
 ness is no love. Oh, try, try, try to love ! It 
 
 3
 
 Patience 
 
 really isn't difficult if you give your whole mind 
 to it. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed 
 until I'm head over ears in love with somebody. 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Noble girl. But is it possible that you have 
 never loved anybody ? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Yes, one. 
 
 ANGELA 
 Ah, whom? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 My great-aunt 
 
 ANGELA 
 Your great-aunt doesn't coumX 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Then there's nobody. At least no, nobody. 
 Not since I was a baby. But that doesn't count, 
 I suppose. 
 
 ANGELA 
 I don't know tell me all about it. 
 
 DUET PATIENCE AND ANGELA 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Long years ago, fourteen, maybe 
 When but a tiny babe of four, 
 
 31
 
 Patience 
 
 Another baby played with me, 
 My elder by a year or more. 
 A little child of beauty rare, 
 With marvellous eyes and wondrous hair, 
 Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me 
 All that a little child should be ! 
 
 Ah, how we loved, that child and I, 
 
 How pure our baby joy ! 
 How true our love and, by the bye, 
 He was a little boy ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch ! 
 I thought as much I thought as much ! 
 He was a little boy ! 
 
 PATIENCE (shocked) 
 Pray don't misconstrue what I say- 
 Remember, pray remember, pray, 
 He was a little boy ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 No doubt, yet spite of all your pains, 
 The interesting fact remains 
 He was a little boy ! 
 
 ENSEMBLE 
 
 Ah, yes, ) ( my ) 
 
 > in spite of all < > pains, &c. 
 No doubt ) (her) 
 
 [Exit ANGELA. 
 32
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 It's perfectly appalling to think of the dread- 
 ful state I must be in ! I had no idea that love 
 was a duty. No wonder they all look so un- 
 happy. Upon my word, I hardly like to asso- 
 ciate with myself. I don't think I'm respect- 
 able. I'll go at once and fall in love with 
 
 (Enter GROSVENOR.) A stranger ! 
 
 DUET PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Prithee, pretty maiden prithee tell me true, 
 
 (Hey but I'm doleful, willow willow waly !) 
 Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you ? 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 I would fain discover 
 If you have a lover ? 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free 
 
 (Hey but he's doleful, willow willow waly !) 
 Nobody I care for comes a-courting me 
 Hey willow waly ! 
 Nobody I care for 
 Comes a-courting therefore, 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 
 33
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me ? 
 
 (Hey but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly !) 
 I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 Money, I despise it, 
 But many people prize it, 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Gentle sir, although to marry I design 
 
 (Hey but he's hopeful, willow willow waly !) 
 As yet I do not know you, and so I musVdecline, 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 To other maidens go you 
 As yet I do not know you, 
 Hey willow waly ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Patience ! Can it be that you don't recognize 
 me? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Recognize you ? No, indeed I don't ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Have fifteen years so greatly changed me ? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Fifteen years? What do you mean? 
 
 34
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, 
 your Archibald? your little playfellow? Oh, 
 Chronos, Chronos, this is too bad of you ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Archibald ! Is it possible ? Why, let me 
 look ! It is ! It is ! It must be ! Oh, how 
 happy I am ! I thought we should never meet 
 again ! And how you've grown ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much 
 stouter than I was. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 And how you've improved ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Yes, Patience, I am very beautiful. (Sighs.) 
 
 PATIENCE 
 But surely that doesn't make you unhappy? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty 
 which probably has not its rival on earth, I am, 
 nevertheless, utterly and completely miserable. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Oh but why? 
 
 35
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 My child-love for you has never faded. Con- 
 ceive, then, the horror of my situation when I 
 tell you that it is my hideous destiny to be 
 madly loved by every woman I come across ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 But why do you make yourself so picturesque ? 
 Why not disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, 
 anything to escape this persecution? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts 
 irksome as they are have been confided to 
 me for the enjoyment and delectation of my 
 fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, 
 and it is my duty to see that the conditions of 
 my trust are faithfully discharged. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 And you, too, are a poet ? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am 
 called "Archibald the Ail-Right "for I am 
 infallible ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 And is it possible that you condescend to 
 love such a girl as I ? 
 
 36
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Yes, Patience, is it not strange? I have 
 loved you with a Florentine fourteenth-century 
 frenzy for full fifteen years ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Oh, marvellous ! I have hitherto been deaf 
 to the voice of love I seem now to know what 
 love is ! It has been revealed to me it is 
 Archibald Grosvenor ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Yes, Patience, it is ! (Embrace.) 
 
 PATIENCE (as in a trance) 
 We will never, never part ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 We will live and die together ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 I swear it ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 We both swear it ! (Embrace.) 
 
 PATIENCE (recoiling from him) 
 But oh, horror ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 What's the matter ? 
 
 37
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Why, you are perfection ! A source of end- 
 less ecstasy to all who know you ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 I know I am well? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing 
 unselfish in loving you ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Merciful powers, I never thought of that ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 To monopolize those features on which all 
 women love to linger ! It would be unpardon- 
 able! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Why, so it would ! Oh, fatal perfection, 
 again you interpose between me and my happi- 
 ness ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful 
 than you are ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Would that I were ; but candour compels me 
 to admit that I'm not ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Our duty is clear ; we must part, and forever ! 
 38
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Oh, misery ! And yet I cannot question the 
 propriety of your decision. Farewell, Patience ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Farewell, Archibald ! But stay ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Yes, Patience? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Although I may not love you for you are 
 perfect there is nothing to prevent your loving 
 me. I am plain, homely, unattractive I 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Why, that's true ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 The love of such a man as you for such a girl 
 as I, must be unselfish ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Unselfishness itself ! 
 
 DUET PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Though to marry you would very selfish be 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly ! 
 
 39
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 You may all the same continue loving me 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly \ 
 
 BOTH 
 
 All the world ignoring. 
 ( You) 
 
 > go on adoring 
 (I'll ) 
 Hey willow waly O ! 
 
 [At the end, exeunt despairingly, in opposite 
 directions. 
 
 Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung 
 about with garlands, and looking very miser- 
 able. He is led by ANGELA and SAPHIR 
 (each of whom holds an end of the rose-gar- 
 land by which he is bound), and accom- 
 panied by procession of maidens. They are 
 dancing classically, and playing on cymbals, 
 double pipes and other archaic instruments. 
 
 CHORUS 
 Let the merry cymbals sound, 
 
 Gaily pipe Pandasan pleasure, 
 With a Daphnephoric bound 
 Tread a gay but classic measure. 
 40
 
 Patience 
 
 Every heart with hope is beating, 
 
 For at this exciting meeting 
 Fickle Fortune will decide 
 Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride ! 
 
 Enter DRAGOONS, led by COLONEL, MAJOR, and 
 DUKE. They are surprised at proceedings. 
 
 CHORUS OF DRAGOONS 
 Now tell us, we pray you, 
 Why thus you array you 
 Oh, poet, how say you 
 
 What is it you've done? 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Of rite sacrificial, 
 By sentence judicial, 
 This seems the initial, 
 
 Then why don't you run?j 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 They cannot have led you 
 To hang or behead you, 
 Nor may they all wed you, 
 Unfortunate one ! 
 
 CHORUS OF DRAGOONS 
 Then tell us, we pray you, 
 Why thus they array you 
 Oh, poet, how say you 
 
 What is it you've done? 
 41
 
 Patience 
 
 RECITATIVE BUNTHORNE 
 Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity, 
 By the advice of my solicitor, (introducing 
 
 his Solicitor) 
 
 In aid in aid of a deserving charity, 
 I've put myself up to be raffled for ! 
 
 MAIDENS 
 
 By the advice of his solicitor 
 
 He's put himself up to be raffled for ! 
 
 DRAGOONS 
 
 Oh, horror ! urged by his solicitor, 
 He's put himself up to be raffled for ! 
 
 MAIDENS 
 Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor ! 
 
 DRAGOONS 
 
 A hideous curse on his solicitor ! 
 (The Solicitor, horrified at the Dragoons* 
 curse, rushes off.) 
 
 COLONEL 
 Stay, we implore you, 
 
 Before our hopes are blighted! 
 You see before you 
 
 The men to whom you're plighted! 
 
 42
 
 Patience 
 
 CHORUS OF DRAGOONS 
 Stay we implore you, 
 For we adore you ; 
 To us you're plighted 
 To be united 
 
 Stay, we implore you ! 
 
 SOLO DUKE 
 
 Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel 
 To pity's eloquent appeal, 
 Such conduct British soldiers feel. 
 (Aside to Dragoons.) Sigh, sigh, all sigh ! 
 
 [They all sigh. 
 
 To foeman's steel we rarely see 
 A British soldier bend the knee, 
 Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye 
 (Aside to Dragoons.) Kneel, kneel, all kneel ! 
 
 [They all kneel. 
 
 Our soldiers very seldom cry, 
 And yet I need not tell you why 
 A tear-drop dews each martial eye ! 
 (Aside to Dragoons.) Weep, weep, all weep ! 
 
 [They all weep. 
 
 ENSEMBLE 
 
 Our soldiers very seldom cry, 
 
 And yet I need not tell you why 
 
 43
 
 Patience 
 
 A tear-drop dews each manly eye ! 
 Weep, weep, all weep ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (who has been impatient during this 
 
 appeal) 
 
 Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity, 
 Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity, 
 Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with 
 
 avidity, 
 Put in half a guinea and a husband you may 
 
 gain- 
 Such a judge of blue-and-white, and other kinds 
 
 of pottery 
 From early Oriental down to modern terra- 
 
 cotta-ry 
 Put in half a guinea you may draw him in a 
 
 lottery- 
 Such an opportunity may not occur again. 
 
 CHORUS 
 
 Such a judge of blue-and-white, &c. 
 (Maidens crowd up to purchase tickets; during 
 this Dragoons dance in single file round 
 stage, to express their indifference.) 
 
 DRAGOONS 
 
 We've been thrown over, we're aware, 
 But we don't care but we don't care ! 
 
 44
 
 Patience 
 
 There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it, 
 As good as ever came out of it, 
 And some day we shall get our share, 
 So we don't care so we don't care ! 
 (During this, the girls have been buying tickets. 
 At last, JANE presents herself. BUN- 
 THORNE looks at her with aversion.) 
 
 RECITATIVE 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 And are you going a ticket for to buy? 
 
 JANE (surprised) 
 Most certainly I am ; why should not I ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE (aside) 
 Oh, Fortune, this is hard ! (Aloud.) Blindfold 
 
 your eyes: 
 Two minutes will decide who wins the prize ! 
 
 (Girls blindfold themselves.) 
 
 CHORUS OP MAIDENS 
 Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind ! 
 Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind ! 
 
 (Each uncovers one eye.) 
 
 Just raise your bandage thus, that you may see, 
 And give the prize, and give the prize to me ! 
 
 (They cover their eyes again.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first ! 
 
 45
 
 Patience 
 
 JANE (joyfully) 
 He loves me best ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (aside) 
 
 I want to know the worst ! 
 QANE draws a paper, and is about to open it 
 when PATIENCE enters. PATIENCE snatches 
 paper from JANE and tears it up.) 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Hold ! Stay your hand ! 
 
 ALL (uncovering their eyes) 
 What means this interference? 
 Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance ! 
 
 JANE 
 Away with you, and to your milk-pails go ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (suddenly) 
 She wants a ticket ! Take a dozen ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 No! 
 
 SOLO PATIENCE (kneeling to BUNTHORNE) 
 If there be pardon in your breast 
 
 For a poor penitent, 
 Who with remorseful thought opprest, 
 
 Sincerely doth repent, 
 If you, with one so lowly, still 
 Desire to be allied, 
 4 6
 
 Patience 
 
 Then you may take me, if you will, 
 For I will be your bride ! 
 
 ALL 
 Oh, shameless one ! 
 
 Oh, bold-faced thing ! 
 Away you run 
 
 Go, take you wing, 
 You shameless one ! 
 
 You bold-faced thing! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 How strong is love ! For many and many a 
 
 week 
 
 She's loved me fondly and has feared to speak, 
 But Nature, for restraint too mighty far, 
 Has burst the bonds of Art and here we are ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 No, Mr. Bunthorne, no you're wrong again, 
 Permit me I'll endeavour to explain ! 
 
 SONG PATIENCE 
 True love must single-hearted be 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Exactly so ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 From every selfish fancy free 
 
 47
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Exactly so ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 No idle thought of gain or joy 
 A maiden's fancy should employ 
 True love must be without alloy. 
 
 ALL 
 
 Exactly so ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Imposture to contempt must lead 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 Exactly so ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Blind vanity's dissension's seed 
 
 MAJOR 
 
 Exactly so! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 It follows then, a maiden who 
 Devotes herself to loving you (indicating 
 
 BUNTHORNE) 
 Is prompted by no selfish view ! 
 
 ALL 
 
 Exactly so ! 
 
 SAPHIR (taking BUNTHORNE aside) 
 Are you resolved to wed this shameless one ? 
 4 8
 
 Patience 
 
 ANGELA 
 Is there no chance for any other? 
 
 BUNTHORNE (decisively) 
 None ! (Embraces PATIENCE.) 
 
 (ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take COLONEL, 
 DUKE, and MAJOR down, while Girls gaze 
 fondly at other Officers.) 
 
 SESTETTE 
 I hear the soft note of the echoing voice 
 
 Of an old, old love, long dead 
 It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice" 
 
 For the last sad tear is shed 
 The pain that is all but a pleasure we'll change 
 
 For the pleasure that's all but pain, 
 And never, oh never, this heart will range 
 
 From that old, old love again ! (Girls em- 
 brace Officers.) 
 
 CHORUS 
 Yes, the pain that is all, &c. (Embrace.) 
 
 As the Dragoons and Girls are embracing, enter 
 GROSVENOR, reading. He takes no notice of 
 them, but comes slowly down, still reading. 
 The Girls are all strangely fascinated by 
 him, and gradually withdraw from Dragoons. 
 
 49
 
 Patience 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 But who is this, whose god-like grace 
 Proclaims he comes of noble race ? 
 And who is this whose manly face 
 Bears sorrow's interesting trace ? 
 
 ENSEMBLE TUTTI 
 
 Yes, who is this, &c. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I am a broken-hearted troubadour, 
 Whose mind's aesthetic and whose tastes are 
 pure ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 ^Esthetic ! He is aesthetic ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Yes, yes I am aesthetic 
 And poetic ! 
 
 ALL THE LADIES 
 Then, we love you ! 
 
 (The Girls leave Dragoons and group, kneeling, 
 around GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, 
 who recognizes a rival.) 
 
 DRAGOONS 
 They love him ! Horror ! 
 
 5
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE AND PATIENCE 
 
 They love him ! Horror ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 They love me ! Horror ! Horror ! Horror ! 
 
 ENSEMBLE TUTTI 
 
 GIRLS 
 
 Oh, list while we a love confess 
 That words imperfectly express, 
 Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close 
 To blighted love's distracting woes ' 
 Nor be distressed, nor scandalized, 
 If what we do is ill-advised, 
 Or we shall seek within the tomb 
 Relief from our appalling doom ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Again my cursed comeliness 
 Spreads hopeless anguish and distress ! 
 Thine ears, O Fortune, do not close 
 To my intolerable woes. 
 Let me be hideous, under-sized, 
 Contemned, degraded, loathed, despised, 
 Or bid me seek within the tomb 
 Relief from my detested doom ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 List, Reginald, while I confess 
 A love that's all unselfishness; 
 si
 
 Patience 
 
 That it's unselfish, goodness knows, 
 You won't dispute it, I suppose. 
 For you are hideous under-sized, 
 And everything that I've despised, 
 And I shall love you I presume, 
 Until I sink into the tomb ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 My jealousy I can't express, 
 
 Their love they openly confess; 
 
 His shell-like ear he does not close 
 
 To their recital of their woes. 
 
 I'm more than angry and surprised 
 
 I'm pained, and shocked, and scandalized ; 
 
 But he shall meet a hideous doom 
 
 Prepared for him by I know whom ! 
 
 The Ladies are all grouped around GROSVENOR. 
 BUNTHORNE stands apart, meditating ven- 
 geance on GROSVENOR.
 
 ACT II 
 
 SCENE A GLADE 
 
 On the left a small sheet of water. JANE is 
 discovered leaning on a violoncello, upon 
 which she presently accompanies herself. 
 
 JANE 
 
 The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and 
 sworn allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, 
 because he has glanced with passing favour 
 on a puling milkmaid ! Fools ! of that fancy he 
 will soon weary and then I, who alone am 
 faithful to him, shall reap my reward. But do 
 not dally too long, Reginald, for my charms are 
 ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying. 
 Better secure me ere I have gone too far ! 
 
 RECITATIVE JANE 
 
 Sad is that woman's lot, who year by year, 
 Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, 
 When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn 
 
 sighs, 
 Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" 
 
 S3
 
 Patience 
 
 Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, 
 To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved 
 
 "combings," 
 
 Reduced, with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly grey, 
 To "make up" for lost time, as best she may ! 
 
 SONG JANE 
 Silvered is the raven hair, 
 
 Spreading is the parting straight, 
 Mottled the complexion fair, 
 
 Halting is the youthful gait, 
 Hollow is the laughter free, 
 
 Spectacled the limpid eye 
 Little will be left of me 
 
 In the coming by and bye ! 
 Fading is the taper waist, 
 
 Shapeless grows the shapely limb, 
 And although securely laced, 
 
 Spreading is the figure trim ! 
 Stouter than I used to be, 
 
 Still more corpulent grow I 
 There will be too much of me 
 
 In the coming by and bye ! 
 
 [Exit JANE. 
 
 Enter GROSVENOR, followed by maidens, two and 
 two, each playing on an archaic instrument, 
 as in Act I. He is reading abstractedly, as 
 
 54
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no 
 attention to them. 
 
 CHORUS OF MAIDENS 
 Turn, oh turn in this direction, 
 
 Shed, oh shed a gentle smile, 
 With a glance of sad perfection 
 
 Our poor fainting hearts beguile ! 
 On such eyes as maidens cherish 
 
 Let thy fond adorers gaze, 
 Or incontinent y perish 
 
 In their all-consuming rays ! 
 (He sits they group around him.} 
 
 GROSVENOR (aside) 
 
 The old, old tale. How rapturously these 
 maidens love me, and how hopelessly ! Oh, 
 Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my 
 heart, what have I for these poor mad maidens 
 but an unvalued pity? Alas, they will die of 
 hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless 
 love for thee ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Sir, will it please you to read to us ? (Kneels.) 
 
 GROSVENOR (sighing) 
 Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read ? 
 
 ANGELA 
 One of your own poems. 
 
 55
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 One of my own poems? Better not, my 
 child. They will not cure thee of thy love. 
 
 ELLA 
 
 Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his 
 own every day. 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 And, to do him justice, he read them ex- 
 tremely well. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Oh, did he so ? Well, who am I that I should 
 take upon myself to withhold my gifts from 
 you? What am I but a trustee? Here is a 
 decalet a pure and simple thing, a very daisy 
 a babe might understand it. To appreciate 
 it, it is not necessary to think of anything at all. 
 
 ANGELA 
 Let us think of nothing at all ! 
 
 GROSVENOR recites 
 Gentle Jane was as good as gold, 
 She always did as she was told; 
 She never spoke when her mouth was full, 
 Or caught blue-bottles their legs to pull, 
 Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock, 
 Or put white mice in the eight-day clock, 
 
 56
 
 Patience 
 
 Or vivisected her last new doll, 
 Or fostered a passion for alcohol. 
 
 And when she grew up she was given in mar- 
 riage 
 
 To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I believe I am right in saying that there is 
 not one word in that decalet which is calculated 
 to bring the blush of shame to the cheek of 
 modesty. 
 
 ANGELA 
 Not one ; it is purity itself. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Here's another. 
 
 Teasing Tom was a very bad boy ; 
 A great big squirt was his favourite toy ; 
 He put live shrimps in his father's boots, 
 And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits; 
 He punched his poor little sisters' heads, 
 And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds; 
 He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax, 
 And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs. 
 The consequence was he was lost totally, 
 And married a girl in the corps de bally ! 
 
 ANGELA 
 Marked you how grandly how relentlessly 
 
 57
 
 Patience 
 
 the damning catalogue of crime strode on, 
 till Retribution, like a poised hawk, came swoop- 
 ing down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was 
 terrible ! 
 
 ELLA 
 
 Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you 
 touch our hearts, and they go out to you ! 
 
 GROSVENOR (aside) 
 
 This is simply cloying. (Aloud.) Ladies, I 
 am sorry to distress you, but you have been 
 following me about ever since Monday, and this 
 is Saturday. I should like the usual half- 
 holiday, and if you will kindly allow me to close 
 early to-day, I shall take it as a personal favour. 
 
 SAPHIR 
 Oh, sir, do not send us from you ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Poor, poor girls ! It is best to speak plainly. 
 I know that I am loved by you, but I never can 
 love you in return, for my heart is fixed else- 
 where ! Remember the fable of the Magnet 
 and the Churn. 
 
 ANGELA (wildly) 
 
 But we don't know the fable of the Magnet 
 and the Churn ! 
 
 58
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Don't you ? Then I will sing it to you. 
 
 SONG GROSVENOR 
 A magnet hung in a hardware shop, 
 And all around was a loving crop 
 Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, 
 Offering love for all their lives ; 
 But for iron the magnet felt no whim, 
 Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, 
 From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, 
 For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn ! 
 
 ALL 
 A Silver Churn ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 A Silver Churn ! 
 
 His most aesthetic, 
 Very magnetic 
 Fancy took this turn 
 "If I can wheedle 
 A knife or needle, 
 Why not a Silver Churn?'; 
 
 CHORUS 
 His most aesthetic, &c. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, 
 The needles opened their well-drilled eyes, 
 
 59
 
 Patience 
 
 The penknives felt "shut up," no doubt, 
 
 The scissors declared themselves "cut out," 
 
 The kettles, they boiled with rage, 'tis said, 
 
 While every nail went off its head, 
 
 And hither and thither began to roam, 
 
 Till a hammer came up and drove them home. 
 
 ALL 
 It drove them home? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 It drove them home ! 
 
 While this magnetic 
 Peripatetic 
 
 Lover he lived to learn, 
 By no endeavour, 
 Can magnet ever 
 Attract a Silver Churn ! 
 
 ALL 
 
 While this magnetic, &c. 
 
 [They go off in low spirits, gazing back at him 
 from time to time. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 At last they are gone ! What is this mys- 
 terious fascination that I seem to exercise over 
 all I come across? A curse on my fatal 
 beauty, for I am sick of conquests ! 
 PATIENCE appears 
 
 60
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Archibald ! 
 
 GROSVENOR (turns and sees her) 
 Patience ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 I have escaped with difficulty from my Regi- 
 nald. I wanted to see you so much that I 
 might ask you if you still love me as fondly as 
 ever? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Love you ? If the devotion of a lifetime 
 
 (Seizes her hand.) 
 
 PATIENCE (indignantly) 
 Hold ! Unhand me, or I scream ! (He re- 
 leases her.) If you are a gentleman, pray re- 
 member that I am another's ! (Very tenderly.) 
 But you do love me, don't you ? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Madly, hopelessly, despairingly! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 That's right ! I never can be yours ; but 
 that's right ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 And you love this Bunthorne ? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and 
 
 61
 
 Patience 
 
 scorches, and burns, and stings ! (Sadly.) It 
 is my duty. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Admirable girl ! But you are not happy 
 with him? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Happy ? I am miserable beyond description ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 That's right ! I never can be yours ; but 
 that's right ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 But go now I see dear Reginald approach- 
 ing. Farewell, dear Archibald, I cannot tell 
 you how happy it has made me to know that 
 you still love me. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Ah, if I only dared (Advances towards 
 
 her.) 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Sir ! this language to one who is promised to 
 another ! (Tenderly.) Oh, Archibald, think of 
 me sometimes, for my heart is breaking ! He 
 is so unkind to me, and you would be so loving ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Loving ! (Advances towards her.) 
 62
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Advance one step, and as I am a good and 
 pure woman, I scream ! (Tenderly.) Farewell, 
 Archibald! (Sternly.) Stop there! (Ten- 
 derly.) Think of me sometimes ! (Angrily.) 
 Advance at your peril ! Once more, adieu ! 
 
 [GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, 
 sighs deeply, and exit. She bursts into 
 tears. 
 
 Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is 
 moody and preoccupied. 
 
 JANE sings 
 In a melancholy train, 
 
 One and one I walk all day; 
 Pity those who love in vain 
 None so sorrowful as they, 
 
 Who can only sigh and say, 
 Woe is me, alackaday ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (seeing PATIENCE) 
 Crying, eh? What are you crying about? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 I've only been thinking how dearly I love you 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Love me ! Bah ! 
 
 63
 
 Patience 
 
 JANE 
 Love him ! Bah ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (to lANE) 
 
 Don't you interfere. 
 
 JANE 
 
 He always crushes me ! 
 
 PATIENCE (going to him) 
 
 What is the matter, dear Reginald ? If you 
 have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share 
 it with you. (Sighing.) It is my duty ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (snappishly) 
 Whom were you talking with just now ? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 With dear Archibald. 
 
 BUNTHORNE (furiously) 
 With dear Archibald ! Upon my honour, 
 this is too much ! 
 
 JANE 
 A great deal too much. 
 
 BUNTHORNE (angrily to JANE) 
 Do be quiet ! 
 
 JANE 
 Crushed again ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 I think he is the noblest, purest, and most 
 6 4
 
 Patience 
 
 perfect being I have ever met. But I don't 
 love him. It is true that he is devotedly at- 
 tached to me, but indeed I don't love him. 
 Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It 
 is my duty ! (Sighing.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 I dare say. 
 
 JANE 
 So do I ! / dare say ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Why, how could I love him and love you too ? 
 You can't love two people at once ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 I don't believe you know what love is ! 
 
 PATIENCE (sighing) 
 
 Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I 
 didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me. 
 
 BALLAD PATIENCE 
 Love is a plaintive song, 
 
 Sung by a suffering maid, 
 Telling a tale of wrong, 
 
 Telling of hope betrayed: 
 Tuned to each changing note, 
 
 Sorry when he is sad, 
 
 Blind to his every mote, 
 
 Merry when he is glad ! 
 
 65
 
 Patience 
 
 Love that no wrong can cure, 
 Love that is always new, 
 
 That is the love that's pure, 
 That is the love that's true ! 
 
 Rendering good for ill, 
 
 Smiling at every frown, 
 Yielding your own self-will, 
 
 Laughing your tear-drops down, 
 Never a selfish whim, 
 
 Trouble, or pain to stir; 
 Everything for him, 
 Nothing at all for her ! 
 
 Love that will aye endure, 
 
 Though the rewards be few, 
 That is the love that's pure, 
 
 That is the love that's true ! 
 [At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, 
 weeping. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Everything has gone wrong with me since 
 that smug-faced idiot came here. Before that 
 I was admired I may say loved. 
 
 JANE 
 Too mild. Adored ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Do let a poet soliloquize ! The damozels used 
 
 66
 
 Patience 
 
 to follow me wherever I went; now they all 
 follow him ! 
 
 JANE 
 Not all ! / am still faithful to you. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Yes, and a pretty damozel you are ! 
 
 JANE 
 
 No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up ! I will 
 never leave you, I swear it ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Oh, thank you ! I know what it is ; it's 
 his confounded mildness. They find me too 
 highly spiced, if you please ! And no doubt I 
 am highly spiced. 
 
 JANE 
 Not for my taste ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE (savagely) 
 No, but I am for theirs. But I can be as 
 mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall 
 have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground 
 and beat him on it. 
 
 JANE 
 You shall. And I will help you. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 You will ? Jane, there's a good deal of good 
 in you, after all ! 
 
 67
 
 Patience 
 
 DUET BUNTHORNE AND JANE 
 
 JANE 
 
 So go to him and say to him, with compliment 
 ironical 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Sing " Hey to you 
 
 Good day to you ' ' 
 
 And that's what I shall say ! 
 
 JANE 
 
 "Your style is too much sanctified your cut 
 is too canonical" 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Sing " Bah to you 
 
 Ha! ha! to you" 
 
 And that's what I shall say! 
 
 JANE 
 "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young 
 
 aesthetical 
 
 To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heret- 
 ical 
 
 Until you cut me out with your placidity emet- 
 ical" 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Sing " Booh to you 
 Pooh, pooh to you" 
 And that's what I shall say ! 
 
 68
 
 Patience. 
 
 BOTH 
 
 Sing "Hey to you, good day to you" 
 Sing " Bah to you, ha ! ha ! to you" 
 Sing " Booh to you, pooh, pooh to you" 
 
 (you) 
 
 And that's what < > shall say ! 
 ( I ) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be 
 more jocular 
 
 JANE 
 
 Say "Booh to you 
 Pooh, pooh to you"- 
 And that's what you should say ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 To cut his curly hair and stick an eyeglass in 
 his ocular 
 
 JANE 
 
 Sing " Bah to you 
 Ha! ha! to you"- 
 And that's what you should say ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of 
 
 quiddity 
 
 To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with 
 avidity 
 
 69
 
 Patience 
 
 He'd better clear away with all convenient 
 rapidity. 
 
 JANE 
 
 Sing " Hey to you 
 Good day to you" 
 And that's what you should say ! 
 
 BOTH 
 
 Sing " Booh to you pooh, pooh to you" 
 Sing " Bah to you ha ! ha ! to you"- 
 Sing " Hey to you good day to you" 
 
 And that's what < > shall say ! 
 (you) 
 
 [Exeunt JANE and BUNTHORNE together. 
 
 Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR. They have 
 abandoned their uniforms, and are dressed 
 and made up in imitation of ^Esthetes. 
 They have long hair, and other outward 
 signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As 
 they sing, they walk in stiff, constrained 
 and angular attitudes a grotesque exaggera- 
 tion of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE 
 and the young ladies in Act 7. 
 
 TRIO DUKE, COLONEL and MAJOR 
 It is clear that mediaeval art alone retains its 
 zest, 
 
 70
 
 Patience 
 
 To charm and please its devotees we done our 
 
 little best. 
 We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early 
 
 English ring ; 
 But, as far as we can judge, it's something like 
 
 this sort of thing: 
 
 You hold yourself like this (attitude), 
 
 You hold yourself like that (attitude), 
 
 By hook and crook you try to look both angular 
 
 and flat (attitude). 
 We venture to expect 
 That what we recollect, 
 
 Though but a part of true High Art, will have 
 its due effect. 
 
 If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't 
 
 upbraid ; 
 You can't get high Esthetic tastes, like trousers, 
 
 ready made. 
 True views on Mediaevalism Time alone will 
 
 bring, 
 But, as far as we can judge, it's something like 
 
 this sort of thing: 
 
 You hold yourself like this (attitude), 
 
 You hold yourself like that {attitude), 
 
 By hook and crook you try to look both angular 
 
 and flat (attitude). 
 
 71
 
 Patience 
 
 To cultivate the trim 
 Rigidity of limb, 
 
 You ought to get a Marionette, and form voui 
 style on him (attitude). 
 
 COLONEL (attitude) 
 
 Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of 
 making a lasting impression on these young 
 ladies is to become aesthetic as they are. 
 
 MAJOR (attitude) 
 
 No doubt. The only question is how far 
 we've succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, 
 but I have an idea that this is not quite right. 
 
 DUKE (attitude) 
 
 I don't like it. I never did. I don't see 
 what it means. I do it, but I don't like it. 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 My good friend, the question is not whether 
 we like it, but whether they do. They under- 
 stand these things we don't. Now I shouldn't 
 be surprised if this is effective enough at a 
 distance. 
 
 MAJOR 
 
 I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. 
 It would be extremely awkward if we were to 
 be "struck" so! 
 
 72
 
 Patience 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps 
 we're a little awkward at first but everything 
 must have a beginning. Oh, here they come ! 
 'Tention ! 
 
 They strike fresh attitudes as ANGELA and 
 SAPHIR enter. 
 
 ANGELA (seeing them) 
 
 Oh, Saphir see see ! The immortal fire 
 has descended on them, and they are of the 
 Inner Brotherhood perceptively intense and 
 consummately utter ! (The Officers have some 
 difficulty in maintaining their constrained at- 
 titudes.) 
 
 SAPHIR (in admiration) 
 
 How Botticellian ! How Fra Angelican ! 
 Oh, Art, I thank thee for this boon ! 
 
 COLONEL (apologetically) 
 I'm afraid we're not quite right. 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so ail-but ! 
 (To SAPHIR.) Oh, Saphir, are they not quite 
 too ail-but ? 
 
 SAPHIR 
 They are indeed jolly utter ! 
 
 73
 
 Patience 
 
 MAJOR (in agony) 
 
 What do the Inner Brotherhood usually re- 
 commend for cramp ? 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are 
 doing this at some personal inconvenience with 
 a view of expressing the extremity of our devo- 
 tion to you. We trust that it is not without 
 its effect. 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 We will not deny that we are much moved by 
 this proof of your attachment. 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 Yes, your conversion to the principles of 
 Esthetic Art in its highest development has 
 touched us deeply. 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 And if Mr. Grosvenor should remain obdur- 
 ate 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 Which we have every reason to believe he 
 will 
 
 MAJOR (aside in agony} 
 I wish they'd make haste. 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 We are not prepared to say that our yearning 
 hearts will not go out to you. 
 
 74
 
 Patience 
 
 COLONEL (as giving a word of command) 
 
 By sections of threes Rapture ! (All strike 
 a fresh attitude, expressive of (esthetic rapture.) 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 Oh, it's extremely good for beginners it's 
 admirable. 
 
 MAJOR 
 The only question is, who will take who ? 
 
 SAPHIR 
 
 Oh, the Duke choose first, as a matter of 
 course. 
 
 DUKE 
 
 Oh, I couldn't think of it you are really too 
 good! 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 Nothing of the kind. You are a great mat- 
 rimonial fish, and it's only fair that each of 
 these ladies should have a chance of hooking 
 you. 
 
 It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you 
 choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes no- 
 body. Suppose you choose Saphir, Major takes 
 Angela, I take nobody. Suppose you choose 
 neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. 
 Clear as day ! 
 
 75
 
 Patience 
 
 QUINTET 
 DUKE, COLONEL, MAJOR, ANGELA and SAPHIR 
 
 DUKE (taking SAPHIR) 
 If Saphir I choose to marry, 
 I shall be fixed up for life ; 
 Then the Colonel need not tarry, 
 Angela can be his wife. 
 
 (Handing ANGELA to COLONEL.) 
 
 (DUKE dances with SAPHIR, COLONEL 
 with ANGELA, MAJOR dances alone.) 
 MAJOR (dancing alone) 
 In that case unprecedented, 
 
 Single I shall live and die 
 I shall have to be contented 
 
 With their heartfelt sympathy! 
 
 ALL (dancing as before) 
 He will have to be contented 
 With our heartfelt sympathy ! 
 
 DUKE (taking ANGELA) 
 If on Angy I determine, 
 
 At my wedding she'll appear 
 Decked in diamond and ermine, 
 Major then can take Saphir ! 
 
 (Handing SAPHIR to MAJOR.) 
 
 (DUKE dances with ANGELA, MAJOR 
 with SAPHIR, COLONEL dances alone.) 
 76
 
 Patience 
 
 COLONEL (dancing) 
 In that case unprecedented, 
 
 Single I shall live and die 
 I shall have to be contented, 
 
 With their heartfelt sympathy! 
 
 ALL (dancing as before) 
 He will have to be contented, 
 With our heartfelt sympathy! 
 
 DUKE (taking both ANGELA and SAPHIR) 
 After some debate internal, 
 
 If on neither I decide, 
 Saphir then can take the Colonel, 
 
 (Handing SAPHIR to COLONEL.) 
 Angy be the Major's bride ! 
 
 (Handing ANGELA to MAJOR.) 
 
 (COLONEL dances with SAPHIR, MAJOR 
 with ANGELA, DUKE dances alone.} 
 
 DUKE (dancing) 
 In that case unprecedented, 
 
 Single I must live and die 
 I shall have to be contented 
 
 With their heartfelt sympathy! 
 
 ALL (dancing as before) 
 He will have to be contented 
 With our heartfelt sympathy ! 
 
 77
 
 Patience 
 
 [At the end, DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, and 
 
 two girls dance off arm in arm. 
 Enter GROSVENOR 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant 
 to be able to gaze at leisure upon those features 
 which all others may gaze upon at their good 
 will. (Looking at his reflection in hand mirror.) 
 Ah, I am a very Narcissus ! 
 
 Enter BUNTHORNE moodily. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 It's no use, I can't live without admiration. 
 Since Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been 
 at a premium. Ah, he is there ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Ah, Bunthorne ! come here look ! Very 
 graceful, isn't it? 
 
 BUNTHORNE (taking hand mirror) 
 Yes, it is graceful. 
 
 GROSVENOR (re-taking hand mirror) 
 
 Oh, good gracious ! not that this 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 You don't mean that ! Bah ! I am in no 
 mood for trifling. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 And what is amiss ? 
 
 78
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Ever since you came here, you have entirely 
 monopolized the attentions of the young ladies. 
 I don't like it, sir ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 My dear sir, how can I help it ? They are the 
 plague of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, 
 with your personal disadvantages, you can have 
 no idea of the inconvenience of being madly 
 loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Sir, until you came here I was adored I 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Exactly until I came here. That's my 
 grievance. I cut everybody out ! I assure you, 
 if you could only suggest some means whereby, 
 consistently with my duty to society, I could 
 only escape these inconvenient attentions, you 
 would earn my everlasting gratitude. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 I will do so at once. However popular it 
 may be with the world at large, your personal 
 appearance is highly objectionable to me. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Is it ? (Shaking his hand.) Oh, thank you ! 
 thank you ! How can I express my gratitude ? 
 
 79
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 By making a complete change at once. Your 
 conversation must henceforth be perfectly mat- 
 ter-of-fact. You must cut your hair, and have 
 a back parting. In appearance and costume 
 you must be absolutely commonplace. 
 
 GROSVENOR (decidedly) 
 No. Pardon me, that's impossible. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Take care. When I am thwarted I am very 
 terrible. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. 
 And that mission must be fulfilled. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 I don't think you quite appreciate the con- 
 sequences of thwarting me. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 I don't care what they are. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Suppose I won't go so far as to say that I 
 will do it but suppose for one moment I were 
 to curse you ? (GROSVENOR quails.) Ah ! 
 Very well. Take care. 
 
 80
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 But surely you would never do that? (In 
 great alarm.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 I don't know. It would be an extreme meas- 
 ure, no doubt. Still 
 
 GROSVENOR (wildly) 
 
 But you would not do it I am sure you 
 would not. (Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE'S 
 knees, and clinging to him.) Oh, reflect, reflect ! 
 You had a mother once. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Never ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Then you had an aunt ! (BUNTHORNE af- 
 fected.) Ah ! I see you had ! By the memory 
 of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere you 
 resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. 
 Bunthorne, reflect, reflect ! (Weeping.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE (Aside, after a struggle with himself) 
 I must not allow myself to be unmanned I 
 (Aloud.) It is useless. Consent at once, or 
 may a nephew's curse 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Hold ! Are you absolutely resolved ? 
 to
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Absolutely. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Will nothing shake you? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Nothing. I am adamant. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Very good. (Rising.) Then I yield. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Ha ! You swear it ? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a 
 reasonable pretext for such a change as you sug- 
 gest. It has come at last. I do it on compul- 
 sion ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Victory ! I triumph ! 
 
 DUET BUNTHORNE AND GROSVENOR 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 When I go out of door, 
 Of damozels a score 
 
 (All sighing and burning, 
 And clinging and yearning) 
 Will follow me as before. 
 II
 
 Patience 
 
 I shall, with cultured taste, 
 Distinguish gems from paste, 
 
 And "High diddle diddle" 
 
 Will rank as an idyll, 
 If I pronounce it chaste ! 
 
 A most intense young man, 
 
 A soulful-eyed young man, 
 An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, 
 
 Out-of-the-way young man ! 
 
 BOTH 
 A most intense young man, &c. 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Conceive me, if you can, 
 An every-day young man: 
 A commonplace type, 
 With a stick and a pipe, 
 And a half-bred black-and-tan ; 
 Who thinks suburban "hops" 
 More fun than "Monday Pops," 
 Who's fond of his dinner, 
 And doesn't get thinner 
 On bottled beer and chops. 
 
 A commonplace young man, 
 A matter-of-fact young man, 
 A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday 
 Every-day young man ! 
 
 83
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNB 
 
 A Japanese young man, 
 A blue and-white young man, 
 
 Francesca di Rimini, miminy, pitniny, 
 Je-ne-sais-quoi young man ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 A Chancery Lane young man, 
 A Somerset House young man, 
 A very delectable, highly respectable, 
 Threepenny-'bus young man ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 A pallid and thin young man, 
 A haggard and lank young man, 
 A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, 
 Foot-in-the-grave young man ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 A Sewell & Cross young man, 
 A Howell & James young man, 
 A pushing young particle what's the next 
 
 article 
 Waterloo House young man ! 
 
 ENSEMBLE 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Conceive me, if you can, 
 A crotchety, cracked young man, 
 
 84
 
 Patience 
 
 An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, 
 Out-of-the-way young man ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 Conceive me, if you can, 
 A matter-of-fact young man, 
 An alphabetical, arithmetical, 
 Every-day young man ! 
 [At the end, GROSVENOR dances off. 
 BUNTHORNE remains. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 It is all right ! I have committed my last 
 act of ill-nature, and henceforth I am a re- 
 formed character. (Dances about stage, hum- 
 ming refrain of last air.) 
 
 Enter PATIENCE. She gazes in astonish- 
 ment at him. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Reginald ! Dancing ! And what in the 
 world is the matter with you ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Patience, I am a changed man. Hitherto 
 I've been gloomy, moody, fitful uncertain in 
 temper and selfish in disposition 
 
 PATIENCE 
 You have, indeed ! (Sighing.)
 
 Patience 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 All that is changed. I have reformed. I 
 have modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. 
 Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My con- 
 versation will blend amusement with instruc- 
 tion. I shall still be aesthetic ; but my aestheti- 
 cism will be of the most pastoral kind. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Oh, Reginald ! Is all this true ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Quite true. Observe how amiable I am, 
 (Assuming a fixed smile.) 
 
 PATIENCE 
 But, Reginald, how long will this last ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 With occasional intervals for rest and re- 
 freshment, as long as I do. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy ! (In his arms.) 
 Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I cannot express the 
 joy I feel at this change. It will no longer be a 
 duty to love you, but a pleasure a rapture 
 an ecstasy ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 My darling ! 
 
 86
 
 Patience 
 
 PATIENCE 
 But oh, horror ! (Recoiling from him.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 What's the matter? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Is it quite certain that you have absolutely 
 reformed that you are henceforth a perfect 
 being utterly free from defect of any kind ? 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 It is quite certain. I have sworn it ! 
 
 PATIENCE 
 Then I can never be yours ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Why not? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, 
 and there can be nothing unselfish in loving so 
 perfect a being as you have now become ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 But stop a bit, I don't want to reform I'll 
 relapse I'll be as I was 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 No; love should purify it should never 
 debase. 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 But I assure you, I interrupted ! 
 
 87
 
 Patience 
 
 Enter GROSVENOR, followed by all the young 
 ladies, who are followed by chorv-s of 
 Dragoons. He has had his hair cut, and 
 is dressed in an ordinary suit of dittos and 
 a pot hat. They all dance cheerfully round 
 the stage in marked contrast to their former 
 languor. 
 
 CHORUS GROSVENOR AND GIRLS 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I'm a Waterloo House young man, 
 A Sewell & Cross young man, 
 A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday, 
 Every-day young man ! 
 
 GIRLS 
 
 We're Swears & Wells young girls, 
 We're Madame Louise young girls, 
 We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, 
 Every-day young girls ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 I'm a Waterloo House young man ! 
 
 GIRLS 
 We're Swears & Wells young girls ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 I'm a Sewell & Cross voung man ! 
 
 88
 
 Patience 
 
 GIRLS 
 We're Madame Louise young girls ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I'm a steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday, 
 Every-day young man ! 
 
 GIRLS 
 
 We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, 
 Every-day young girls ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Angela Ella Saphir what what does 
 this mean ? 
 
 ANGELA 
 
 It means that Archibald the All-Right can- 
 not be wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to 
 discard aestheticism, it proves that aestheticism 
 ought to be discarded. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Oh, Archibald ! Archibald ! I'm shocked 
 surprised horrified ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 
 I can't help it. I am not a free agent. I do 
 it on compulsion. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 This is terrible. Go I I shall never set eyes 
 on you again. But oh joy !
 
 Patience 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 What is the matter? 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Is it quite, quite certain that you will always 
 be a commonplace young man ? 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Always I have sworn it. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 
 Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my 
 loving you with all the fervour at my command ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 Why, that's true. 
 
 PATIENCE 
 My Archibald ! 
 
 GROSVENOR 
 My Patience ! (They embrace.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Crushed again ! 
 Enter JANE 
 
 JANE (who is still esthetic) 
 Cheer up ! I am still here. I have never 
 left you, and I never will ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no deny- 
 ing it, you're a fine figure of a woman ! 
 
 90
 
 Patience 
 
 JANE 
 My Reginald ! 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 My Jane ! 
 
 Flourish. Enter COLONEL, DUKE, and 
 MAJOR. 
 
 COLONEL 
 
 Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to 
 select a bride ! (General excitement.) 
 
 DUKE 
 
 I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, 
 such of you as are truly lovely. (All come 
 forward bashfully, except JANE and PATIENCE.) 
 In personal beauty you have all that is necessary 
 to make a woman happy. In common fairness, 
 I think I ought to choose the only one among 
 you who has the misfortune to be distinctly 
 plain. (Girls retire disappointed.) Jane ! 
 
 JANE (leaving BUNTHORNE'S arms.) 
 Duke ! (JANE and DUKE embrace. BUN- 
 THORNE is utterly disgusted.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 Crushed again ! 
 
 FINALE 
 
 DUKE 
 
 After much debate internal, 
 I on Lady Jane decide, 
 91
 
 Patience 
 
 Saphir now may take the Colonel, 
 
 Angy be the Major's bride ! 
 (SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, ANGELA with 
 MAJOR, ELLA with SOLICITOR.) 
 
 BUNTHORNE 
 
 In that case unprecedented, 
 Single I must live and die 
 I shall have to be contented 
 With a tulip or Vdy! 
 
 (Takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes 
 affectionately at it.) 
 
 ALL 
 He will have to be contented 
 
 With a tulip or lily! 
 Greatly pleased with one another, 
 
 To get married we decide, 
 Each of us will wed the other, 
 
 Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride! 
 
 DANCE 
 
 PATIENCE and GROSVENOR embrace. 
 BUNTHORNE falls, overwhelmed with 
 distress, in centre of stage. 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 92
 
 University of California 
 
 SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 Return this material to the library 
 
 from which it was borrowed. 
 
 LI-URt 
 
 1 
 
 Of. CALIF. LIBRAS*. US
 
 MUSIC 
 LIBRARY 
 
 PR 
 
 P27 
 1902
 
 PATIENCE; or BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 
 
 h 
 
 W. S. Gilbert