0, VT (4 THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES >. SCOTTISH LIFR AND HUMOUR Ch. Martin Ilardic, R.S.A., p'l I SKii WITH ki:tk().si'i;( TiVF. r.vK Thic ki.ukk Ar Tin: i'I.atk, Tllli: OKACUN, STANDING SKN ^K^ HV, To KEEl' Tin: EI.IJl.K SlKAlLilir. [/. 7/. ^ ^JLKL SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR BY WIIJJAM SINCLAIR V ^^ ll.\l)l)l\(.|l)N SIN'CLAIR cH: CO., b.^ MAKKKT STRKKT Prinlcd by Sinclair X\"1I1. Fix, ...... ,.(s XIX. .\ri.i) I'.\KK.\xr Ci'STOMS, . . . j^i iNnF.x, ...... 16- 544990 rOl-K.CoKC SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. CAUl w CHAPTER I. NOTHlXl. NEW LWDEU THE SUN. 'LD kail het a^ain is aye pat tasted." A .vorthy old lady adds " Cauld kail het, humph ! tastes as if the dishcloot had been boiled in it." Know- ing that the flavour of that necessary though despised article of kitchen u.se cannot be eradicated from every page, I yet hope to provide some tasty and substantial farin' from the wealth of good things that abound, and which are discovered through following the proverbial Scotchman's advice to his son, when about to emigrate — " Aye be speirin'." The most successful book dealing" with Scottish life and character has been Dean Ramsay's " Reminiscences," first given as a lecture in 1857, and then published in book form. "The Laird of Logan," "Thistledown," and quite a crowd of others have been devoted to t In- recording of humorous .Scottish sayings, etc., and the weekly newspapers are always giving to the world some new Scottish "joke," which in duv course is trotted out by some minister at a soiree, and com[)eIs another non- original remark— " Tiiere is nothing new under the sun I" A Yankee has put down the number of original B 2 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. jokes as three, but Yankees came on the scene long- after David had spoken "in his wrath." This is not " Cauld kail het," but an example of how a waiter can bring- different kinds of soup from the same pot. People not in the know may learn from a study of Scottish story how simple the matter is. Stories have an extraordinary desire to wander and at the same time acquire a settle^iient, a local habitation ; and these stories are not Irish either, any more than they are Russian or Roman. A quaint retort made by a ploughman in the parish of Bower, Caithness, will be found localised in the East Neuk of Fife, and in the country of the " Raiders." Perhaps tlie stories are Indig-enous to the soil, as thistles, and spring- up of their own accord. Dean Ramsay tells of a Scottish gentleman who met a small party at the house of a London friend. A person was present of most ag-reeable manners, who delighted the Scotsman exceedingly. He heard the company frequently referring to this gentleman's residence in Piccadilly, to his house in Piccadilly, and so on. When addressed by the gentleman, he commenced his reply, anxious to pay him all due respect— " Indeed, Piccadilly," etc. He supposed Piccadilly niust be his own territorial locality. It was the custom in Scotland to address landlords and sometimes farmers by the name of their holdings. The same story, or a very near relation, went the rounds recently after the lamented death of the genial Sir Frank Lockwood, Q.C., M.P. It was told how th*" humorist, hearing at a fashionable gathering- a Highland laird, who happened to be a near relation, and his wife annouiiced as Lochbuie and .Mrs. Maclean, asked the iittendant to announce him as 26 Lennox Gardens and Mrs, Lockwood. The story of the Scotchman who had come to London NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 3 for a few days before leaving for India and was greatly impressed with the mounted sentinels at the Horse (juards, Whitehall, has at least an acquaintance in one of Mr. W. G. Stevenson's Edinburgh tales. The Scot who went out to India returned after thirty years and on passing the Horse Guards he looked up to one, and seeing him, as he thought, unchanged as to horse, position and accoutrements, exclaimed— " Od, friend, ye hae had a lang spell on't sin' I left." Mr. Stevenson's young soldier, when asked by his friend from the country wliat he was standing at the gate of Edinburgh Castle for, said — " I'm staunin' here for a century.'''' Here, according to the Psalms of David, is another version of the same. A blind, toothless old body In Forfarshire was unable to attend church, but she still retained all her wonted critical faculty. One day after the " kirk was oot," the old lady, peering eagerly forward with her dimmed, bleared eyes, and putting one hand at the back of her ear, mumbled, "Is that you, Leeby ? " "Ay, Granny," came back the quick, clear, childish response. " Ye'll hae ben tae the kirk, dawtle ? " " Ay, (iranny." "An' fat wis the meenister preachin' aboot th' day, hinny ? " "Oh, Granny! it wis sic a queer sermon." "Yea na ; and fat wis the tex', deary?" " Oh deed, it wis an unco queer tex' : I cudna unner- stan' held nor tail o't." " Imph'm," said the old body, now growing quite eager and excited; "an' fat wis't aboot than ? " " (^h, it wis a' aboot the Scarlet Woman — the great whore o' Babylon." Tlie old lady at once pricked up her ears, and smiting lier staff with some vehemence on the ground, she exclaimed in tones betoken- ing a sort of reminiscent, confused surprise, "Od save's a', sirss ! Can that wumman be on the ran-dan yet ? Heth, I mmd she wis a rael bad vin when I was a wee lassie." 4 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. ■ The late Mr. Constable, Edinbur^jh, used to visit an old lady who was much attenuated by lont^ illness, and on fjoing' up stairs one tremendously hot afternoon, the daughter was driving away the flies, which were very troublesome, and was saying, "These flies will eat up a' that remains o' my puir mother." The old lady opened her eyes, and the last words she spoke were, " What's left's guid eneucli for them." The following has been vouched for. A gentleman visited a Highland inn where, as is not always the case, the stone floor was washed to perfection, and the wooden table " as clean as a nvw preen." He wished to smoke, and asked the short- skirted, neat-ankled Hebe where he could spit. Tiir reply, with an elevation of the nose, was, " If the flair's na guid enough, ye can tak' the table." There is a family likeness in the following : Dr. Nor- man Macleod was on a Highland loch when a storm came on. He, a large powerful man, was accompanied by a clerical friend of diminutive size and small appearance, who began to speak seriously to the boatmen of their danger, and proposed that all present should join in praver. " Na, na," said the chief boatman, " let the little ane gang to prayer, but first the big ane maun tak' this oar." The late Re\-. Dr. Cook, of Haddington, a leading light in tlie Ciuuxh of Scotland, fell out of a boat on Pressmennan lake, and was afterwards asked by a friend, who wished to improve the occasion, what thouglit came nearest his heart in that case of dire peril. " I thocht hoo wis I to get oot," said the burly Doctor. Dean Ramsay tells how " Boatie," of Deeslde, had been nearly lost in a squall, and having been saved after great exertion, was told by the Dean's aunt that he should be grateful to Providence for his safety. The man, not meaning to be at all ungrateful, but viewing his preser- NOTHlNCi NEW UNDER THE SUN. 5 vation in the purely hard matter-of-fact light, quinces back to that old gentleman's memory. My task is, with all due humility, to deal, more particularly so far as anecdotes are con- cerned, with the period immediately succeeding that so beautifully delineated by ihv Dean. We have many pictures of Scotland at the beginning ■of the present century. One of the best is that by Emeritus Professor Masson dealing with wliat lie calls "The Dundas Despotism" (i7- a man of exceed- 14 SCOTTISH LIFK AND HUMOUR. ing piety and ability, writes —" The current stories which are told In profane ridicule of our Scottish Sabbaths — such as that of a woman who parted with a valuable hen because It persisted in laying an egg on the Sabbath day — are all rubbish. Our pious ancestors might be too scrupulous ; but whatever they were, they were not fools." It may be quoted on the authority of the genial doctor that the Scottish race was improving in an extraordlnarv fashion in his day, for he once said, " I thocht that my father really didna ken very muckle, but my laddies seem to think that I'm a born Idiot." Pardon for a short digression concerning young men. Tvi'o young East Lothian tarmers declared that some whisky supplied was not good and appealed to the veteran, Mr. James Turnbull, Boghall, Fife. His reply was, " I'm sorry to see two such young men so good judges of whisky." But has It not been ever thus with young men ? The young man who succeeded King Solomon told the people that his little finger should be stronger than his father's loins. Lord Cockburn in his " Memorials " gives a delightful portrait of a venera,ble old lady, a clergyman's widow, sitting neatly dressed in her high-backed leather chair, with her grandchildren round her, the very model of silver-haired serenity, till one of her granddaughters, in reading the newspaper to her, stumbled on a para- graph which told how the reputation of a certain f;iir one at the Court of the Prince Regent had suffered from some indiscreet talk of his about his own relations with her, but then starting up and exclaiming, with an indignant shake of her shrivelled fist,— " The dawmed villain! does he kiss and tell ? " WHEN THE CENTURY WAS YOUNG. 15 Mr. James Iiii^lis, in liIs charniiny -work, " Oor -Aiii Folk," tefls of Mrs. Don of Ballownie pondering- over the news of a certain farni hand eloping witli a young- heiress, and at length opening her mind to the family circle in the following words : — " Weel, I dinna see fat she cud hae seen i' Sandie , a nasty, low, abominable, barefaced, sweerin', vulgar, ill-brocht-up brute." It appears that the men were more stolid than the women, as witness the following little dialogue between two farmers. First Farmer — " My dochter's in the family wey and they tell me yer Jock's to blame." Second Farmer — " I widna wonder. The silly gowk — he broke a graip to me tlie other day." CHAPTER III. THE CENTURY CROWING OLD. ONE of the great changes which has taken place in tiie Hfc of tiie people of Scotland during the century is the reception given to works of fiction. I can well remember in the sixties strong objections being raised to the reading of stories which began to appear in some weekly newspapers on the ground that they were " parcels of lees." That was in the far north. In the south the great magician, Sir Walter Scott, was condemned for not speaking the truth. A Highlander^ while perusing Sir Walter's " Lady of the Lake," could not identify the glen, everything being so highl)' coloured. On returning the volume, he said — " Mr. Scott may be a very clever man, but he's a great leear." The thin edge of the wedge of fiction was the religious tales which appeared in such publications as Good Words and the The Sunday Magazine. Dr. Norman Macleod was strongly in favour of religious novels and "denied the canon of criticism by which they were condemned." " It would," he said, " exclude even Christ's teaching by parables." Nowadays it is not the religious that is the only kind of novel read on Sundays as well as week days. The stern Calvinism of the old Covenanters has gradually relaxed till it is allowable in the greater part of Scotland to follow the injunction of the Psalmist and " sing to the Lord with cheerful voice." Oh ! the melancholy tone in which I have heard a minister give out the glorious Hundredth Psalm : — All people thnt on earth do dwell Sing to the Lord \\ ith cheerful \oice. THE CENTURY GROWING OLD. 17 A great cliange has taken place during- even the hist thirty years. With this broadening intluence there is probably a great deal more real religion. The last people one would think of employing nowadays are street preachers and their kind. It does not follow that all who preach on the street are bad, any more than that all who preach in a pulpit are good. The pulpll people make a living bv it. The street people often catch cold. The description now cannot apply to .Scotland, if It e\er could, — Land o' canny, carefu' bodies — Foes to a' ungodly fun ; Those wha sum up man's whole dutj' — Heaven, hell, and number one. One of what is known as the " prayin' kind " was described to me recently as a man who studied more carefully what it was his duly not to do than what it was his duty to do for his emplo\(r. His conscience told him that he could not serve God and mammon, and as he was obliged to serve mammon for " the lucre which, though filthy, gets us grub," he gave to mammon no more than his just due. A wealthy manufacturer in a Lowland Scottish town told me once that he had dispensed with the services of his agent (lawyer) because he had been representing a manufacturer in the same line. " Ye see," he said, " ye canna serve twae gods. Ye canna serve God and mammon. Ye canna serve .\ and B " (nruiiing himself). A " character" who has declined with the century \-ery much Is the poacher. He used to be quite poetical but now he has fallen away. Not more than three or four years ago an up-to-date East Lothian poacher appeared before Sheriff Shirreff at Haddington, not for the first i8 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. time. The clumsy appearance of the man, his miserable clothing, and his inability to make anything- like a clear statement apparently disgusted the SheriiT, for he i^lared at the culprit and then blurted out at him — " Mawn, you're a dawm fool. Go to prison for sixty days." There was more wisdom in the Dunbar poacher who, when sentenced by Sheriff Shirreff to a term of imprison- ment or a fine, asked for time to pay the fine. "What do you want time for? " asked the judge. " Weel, ma lord, it tak's some time to mak' up a big fine noo-a-days when fovvks grudge half a croon for a hare ! " What Mr. John Colquhoun wrote in 1866 has not materially altered. " I always sympathised with the •Scotch poacher of fifty years ago, who, for the sheer love ■of sport, sallied out over the well-known hills, and, with his quaintly-broke collie dog and rusty single-barrel, en- joyed himself to the full. He never sold his game, but when he had more than his family could use gave the rest to his neighbours. That is past and gone ; the English squire first drove the poorer Scotch one out of the market, and he in his turn has been superseded by the millionaires from London, Manchester and America. Incredible prices are given by the latter for all our first-class deer forests and shootings, wliile the second- j-att beats are as eagerly contended for by the men of less ample means ; and now it is Sassenachs, protection and keepers over the whole Highland range." A custom wJiich was very popular when the century was halfway through has now died out. In the 'sixties, and even into the 'seventies, St. Valentine's Day, 14th February, was faithfully observed. Lads and lasses sent love messages to one another, and the missives were usually highly perfumed and fearful and wonderful THE CENTURY GROWING OLD. 19 examples of the printer's and the poet's art. The humorous killed llwj sentimental, and very rough indeed was the humour. Occasionally there was an exception, accidental or intentional. A young- gent, sent in disguised hand- writing a valentine to a young lady. The card bore the words, " You are a," followed by a representation of a goose. The lady saw through — the handwriting, and liianked her admirer for the compliment. He denied all knowledge and blushed, whereupon the young thing said, " It was so nice of you to call me a duck." In some country districts it was considered the essence of humour to send a domestic servant a bit of soap and a *' sand " comb. The Christmas cards killed the valentines. Will they, too, have their day ? Alas, the fate that has befallen the 14th of February has almost befallen the ist of April. Wiien the century was in its prime it was the custom on All Fools' Day to hunt the innocent gowk another mile. Many a boj' was sent for doo's milk, strap oil and such like commodities. 1 have even heard of a young apprentice going to a smith for a hamnier to strike the fiars' prices. On one occasion a dairyman was wakened with the hurried announcement that his best cow was choking. In this case truth was stranger than tiction, for a turnip was stuck in the spout of the pump. A joung lassie was sent by her sewing companions with a letter to the shop of an old bachelor, and told to wait for an answer. In the letter were the words, " Kiss nie quick." The bachelor, with rare self-denial, sent the girl along to another shop where there were several young- fellows. It was when one of them promptly carried out the instructions of the letter that the blushing maiden blushed again, tidied up her hair, and made astern resolve. 20 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. The jokes were not played on servant lassies only. " Ev'n ministers they hae been kenn'd." A message was once sent to a parish minister in one of these northern shires to go immediately to see one of his parishioners who was considered to be of weak intellect, and was said to be very ill. The minister hurried off at once, and entered the house with cautious steps. Sur- prised to find his man sitting- smoking a well-seasoned pipe, he said in an angry tone : " Did you send for me?" " Na, I didna sen' for ye, but it's a' richt ; ye ken it's only ance i' th' year that fules get a haill day a' t' them- sels!" One 1st of April morning a few wags, fond of a prac- tical joke, went in search of the local bellman, who, by the way, was a bit of a character. After supplying him with a quantity of mountain dew, doubly distilled, they tipped him with a shilling and instructed him to pass through the streets ringing his bell and shouting, with stentorian voice, the following proclamation : — " Notice ! There is being exposed to the public a queer sort o' beast just captured b} Jeems Doo in his yard. As only a few can see it at a time, all those wanting to see the strange beast are urgently requested to call at Mr. Weelum Pratt's offis, where they will be supplied witli pass tickets at a nominal figure ! " Needless to say, a crowd soon gathered and demanded tickets, which they got, bearing this inscription: — "Pass. Admits one gowk to see another." Scotland has improved in education and worldly wealth and comtbrt during the century that is now growing old, more, perhaps, than in an}- previous century. The farm servants have degenerated in not having a " coo," but the sma' fairmers have all got gigs. Talking of gigs, a West of Scotland lady located in THE CENTURY GROWING OLD. 21 County Mayo sends the followinii^ : — Geordie Hislop and Ills wite liad prospered in the world, so bought a gig to take them to cliurcli. (jeordie found he could not drive, so a boy was got to act as coachman. There was no seat for him, so he had to sit on Mrs. Hislop's knee, and she said that by the time they had reached the parish church she " was as tired as if she had waukit." I remember well a hardworking small farmer in tlie north becoming possessed of a gig and being the observed of all observers as he drove to church on Sunday. The " gerran " between the trams had been suddenly pro- moted from the plebeian plough. Like beast like master. The reins were allowed to He loose and the driver directed operations by " hups," " hies " and " wobacks." CHArTER IV. THE SCOTTISH TOXCifE. w ITHOUT diving deeply into philology it may be assumed that the tongue of a people har- monises with the natural scenery and the general sur- roundings and occupations of the people. School Boards and Her Majesty's Inspectors of Schools do their best to bring John o' Groat's and Land's End together with one common language. But they have not yet succeeded in making the people of Edinburgh and the people of Glas- gow use the same accent. And the " twa capitals " are only distant one hour by rail, and both possess many excellent institutions where the English language is said to be taug'ht in all its purity. The fisherman, whose home is on the ocean wave, or its vicinity, speaks differ- ently from his neighbour the ploughman, his neighbour the miner, and his neighbour the clerk in an office. I have known a ploughman, who spoke of a certain fish as a " cuddin," laugh immoderately at the fisherman who, filling his mouth with the word, called it a " cuthin.'* But, as an old Haddington worthy used to remark when a point likely to lead to a prolonged argument arose, " We won't dwell upon that." A Lothian lady was home from London on a visit, and in her honour plum pudding was served. " A'll hae some ploom pudd'n," said her brother. " Oh, David ! " "A' richt ; A' hae as muckle richt to say ploom pudd'n as ye hae to saj- plumm poodink ; the spellin's the same." .^nd the stern Caledonian stuck to his pudd'n. The simplicity of "A ae oo " has been often commented THE SCOTTISH TONGUE. 23 on. Here is something' similar. A few East Lothian men went over to Peebles to dig sheep drains, and lodged with a shepherd. It turned out that Iiis wife was a native of East Lothian, and when she was absent the drainers began to ask what part of tlie county she came from. " A' no ken," said one ; " .\' no ken tae," said another ; " A' no ken tae aither," said llie next; " .A.' no ken tae aither an' a'," was the next response; "A' no ken tae aither an' a' onyway " closed the conversation. In some parts of Scotland the word "suit" is pro- nounced " shoot." The following examples are rather amusing. A lady required a tradesman to put up a book- case, and was told by the upholsterer that he would send round a man to " shoot " her immediately, to which she at once agreed. A clergyman in Ayrshire, consulting one of his elders about fixing a da_\- for some Church business, was told to "shoot" himself, and added, " Whatever shoots you will shoot me." A small pro- prietor said he had gone to all the fairs in the country to try to get a horse to " shoot " him. " Tlic .\uld Scottish Tongue," not that horrible bastard which som(> modern would-be wits use, and which con- sists chiefly in writing "ye" for "the" and " yin " for " one," the " braid auld Scottish tongue," has a strength, a beauty, and a iiomcliness w iilcii a Scotsman at anyrate cannot find in English. Here is the Rev. Dr. Hatch' Waddell's version of the 23rd Psalm : — " The Lord is my herd ; na want s tigiitest." I might go on quoting examples and deserve little thanks. Dean Ramsay has an excellent cliapter on the meanings conveyed by Scottish words, and Mr. Robert Ford in " Thistledown " gives some very apt illustra- tions, including those 1 ha\e quoted. It may be prejudice on my part, or it may be ignorance, but I can frequently see in some three or four Scottish words what I could not express in a page of English. Take the case of the Highland parish minister, who was a poor preacher and knew it. One dav he expected a THE SCOTTISH TONGUE. 25 substitute to ofticiate, and went to churcli rejoicin,^- in his libqrty. The substitute, who liad been tlirown from his liorse at a boi-^f^fv bit of tlie road some eig-ht or ten miles away, did not appear, and the poor parson, quite unprepared with a sermon or with ten consecutive ideas, had to ji^o into the pulpit and make a pretence of preach- ini^. The entry in his diary, which was found after his death, ran thus :— " June 16th.— Fast Day in oor pairish. Expeckit auld Andra Macilwraith tae preach for me. Didna come. Haed tae dae't masel'. Halvert awa' — sair forfouchen — wauchled tiirowe." A Scot in England wiio liad listened to the nightin- gale said, " It's a' vera guid, but I wadna gie the li'hceple o' a whaitp for a' the nightingales that ever sang." A modern Scot was asked by his wife to explain exactly what was tlic " wlieeple o' a wliaup." He said, " It's a whaup's wlieeple. Ye ken a whaup ? " " Aye," was the reply, "its a queer tiling grun, and I'll tell ye hoo, grun's a queer thing ! " For plain straightforward Scotch the prayer of the young poacher who was called in much against his will to officiate at the bedside of a dying woman is probably unequalled in English : — " O Lord, Thou kens best Thy nainsel' hoo the case stands atween Thee and Auld Effie ; and sin" Ye hae baith the heft and the bladr in Yer nain hand, just guide the gully as best suits her guid and Yer nain glory I " Praying is a fine art with more than ministt-rs. Mr. H , an l^ast Lothian farmer, courted his wife in Lanarkshire. The prospective father-in-law on one ■occasion asked him to take part in the family worship. H offered up prayer and was complimented on all hands, to which he smilingly replied : " O, a'm a divvil to pray.' How could that be expressed in EngTiNli ? 26 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. It is fearful to tliink of the atrocities committed on the Scottish tongue by some people on the south side of the Border. Punch professes to be a satirical paper and possibly regards the maiming and mutilation of Scotch as a huge joke. Perhaps it rejoices in the manu- facture of a new language. Its "Scotch" is certainh" sufficiently original to be patented. And yet English "Punch" and Scotch "Toddy" are not unlike one another now. Time was when Scotch whisky was not to be had across the Border, but its flavour has found favour. May it be followed by a better appreciation of the Scottish tongue ! Good old Scottish tongue ! How it adapts itself to every country on the face of the earth, just as those who use it do ! It was not long after the acquisition of Wei- Hai-Wei by this country before two Scotsmen, according to an eminent authority, were discovered discussing the situation. " Aye, we hac Wei-Hai-Wei ! " " Hae we ? " "Ave, hae we !" CHAPTER V. THE MINISTER. WHAT a world of pathos, what a world of shrewd common sense, and what a world of humour circle round the minister ! He is the t^uide to the awful Unkown, the man to whom we unbosom everythiniif as it comes to the last handgrip. Let not fools think lig-htl}' of that last locked g^rip. The minister is the Lord's anointed, yet he is a human being like the rest of us. He should be possessed of wisdom beyond his fellows, a kind heart and genial manners. As the Irish song has it, there is no necessity to " leave gaiety all to the laity ;" and it never has been. The clergy have invariably been humorous. Of course there are ministers and ministers, and their conduct has to be regulated by the demands of the congregations. A few years ago an exceptionally talented young minister, Mr. Winter, was appointed to the Free Church of Bower, Caithness-shire. A few days afterwards a farmer went into the village smithy and remarked, " He's an awfu' mannie 'at we hae gotten for a minnister ; he cam' doon 'e road 'ere whistlin' like a mavis." The smith readily retorted, " Ye widna hae the puir body comin' doon cursin' an' swearin' wid ye ? " There are differences among ministers as among other classes. I have in m\ mind two Presbyteries that met monthh in a counl\' town. In tlie Auld Kirk, proceed- ings are opened willi pra\ir of two to fi\e minutes' duration. Shortly after twelve o'clock a reverend doctor takes a quiet walk round among the members. There are some mysterious wliispering^, and tlien a comniuni- 28 SCOTTISH LIFP: AND HUMOUR. cation is made to tiie beadle, who departs for a hotel in the town and informs the landlord how many to expect. The beadle has his glass, and in due course the fathers and brethren come tripping- in and up fhe stair. A little spiritual refreshment follows at their heels and helps to enli\en tlie time that must necessarily elapse before the roast beef has been dished. Soon the merry joke is pass- ing, and the pop of a champagne bottle is not an unknown accompaniment. In the Free Kirk, the proceedings open with the singing of a psalm — a melancholy business when few members have an ear for music — followed by the reading of a chapter, and then a lengthy prayer. There are no mysterious whisperings, no message is communicated to the beadle at the door, and when the business is over there is a scattering of black coats, one or two occasionally finding their way to the Temperance '(certainly no other) Hotel. Nowadays almost every minister reads his sermon, and some read their prayers, but forty years ago read sermons were an abomination to tiie pious. Many jokes were made at the expense of the ministers. The Rev. Dr. .A. L. Foote, of Brechin, was a learned theologian and well- known author In his time, but stuck very closely to the paper. On one occasion a dense, black thunder cloud overspread the heavens and produced an Intense gloom in the church. The poor doctor boggled and stumbled, wiped his glasses, looking round In vain to see If any one would come to the rescue. At last he lifted his manu- script boldly from the concealing recesses of the bulky pulpit Bible, and, to the horror of such old people as were awake, defiantly produced it in sight of the whole con- gregation. Alas ! the cloud outside got thicker, and the good old doctor, seeing no help for It, shut up the Bible with a bang which awakened all the sleepers, and said. THE MINISTER. 29 in very broad, homely Scotcli, "Wcel, sirss, may (lod bless the preachin' o' his Word, for 1 canna see to read nae main'' Plain, homely speakini^ was characteristic of the older Scottish Divines. A minister in Glasg-ow was annoyed by some of his hearers talkini^ and giggling-. He paused one Sabbath in his discourse, looked at the disturbers, and said, " Some years since, as I was preaching, u young man who sat before me was constantly laughing, talking and making uncouth grimaces. I paused and administered a severe rebuke. After the close of the service a gentleman said to me, ' Sir, you made a great mistake ; that young man was an Idiot.' Since then I have always been afraid to reprove those who misbehave in church lest I should repeat that mistake and reprove another Idiot." During that and subsequent services there was good order. The ministers. If they spoke in a homely manner, were sometimes spoken to in the same way. A newly-placed minister was at dinner with one of his parishioners who iiad none of the polish of society about him, and spoke his mind bluntly. The minister came from the city, and was telling some of his experi- ences, when he observed, " But If I were to tell you some of my most remarkable adventures I'm afraid you would doubt my words." " Nae fear o' that, sir," replied the farmer heartily, " we dlnna ken ye weel eneuch yet." .\t a fashionable resort an old bedridden fisherman on his deathbed was asked by the clergyman If his mind was perfectly at ease. " Oo, ay. I'm a' richt," came the feeble reply. " \'ou are sure there is nothing troubling you ? Do not be afraid to tell me." The old man seemed to hesitate, and at length, with a faint return of anima- tion, said — " Weel, there's just ae thing that troubles me, but I dlnna like to speak o'l." " Helieve me, I am most 30 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOL'R. anxious to comfort you," replied the clergyman ; " tell me what it is that troubles and perplexes you." " Weel, sir, it's just this," said the old man eagerly — " I canna for the life o' me mak' oot hoo ye manage to get into that waistcoat. " The experiences of such divines as Dr. Norman Macleod and Dr. Thomas Guthrie, both godly men, and at the same time humorists of the first water, are well worth reading. In Loudoun Dr. Macleod liad extremes from Cove- nanter to Chartist to deal witli. At Darvel he called on an old pauper woman who was looked upon as a great light among the Covenanters. When he entered he found her grasping her tin ear-trumpet (for she was very deaf), and seated formally in the midst of a group of neighbours and co-religionists summoned to meet him. Unlike his other parishioners she did not at first acknow- ledge him as minister, but, beckoning him to sit down beside her, and putting the trumpet to her ear, said, " Gatig ower the Fundamentals !" and there and then he had to bawl his theology till the old dame was satisfied, after which he received a hearty welcome as a true ambassador of Ciirist. In contrast with this type he used to refer to a well- known Chartist who wished to come to an understanding upon the " Seven Points." .Minister and Chartist then sat down on the bench in front of the door, and the weaver, with shirt sleeves partly turned up and showing holes at the elbows, his apron rolled round his waist, and a large tin snuff-mull in his hand, into whose extreme depth he was continually diving for an emphatic pinch, propounded with much pompous phraseology his favourite political dogmas. When lie had concluded, he turned to the minister and demanded an answer. " In my opinion," THE MIXISTKR. 31 was the reply, "your principles would drive llie country into revolution, and create in the lont,'- run National bankruptcy." " Nay-tion-al bankruptcy!" said the old nian meditatively, and divinti^ for a pinch. " Div— ye — think— sae?" Then, briskly, after a long- snuff, " Dod ! Vd risk it !" The naivete of tiiis philosopher, who had scarcely a sixpence to lose, " risking' the nation for the sake of his theory, was never forgotten by his companion. In his youthful and poetic days the genial preacher was for some time stationed at Dalkeith. From there he wrote to his sister, Jane, describing how he was anxious to meet some one who could share his pleasure in reading *' The Prelude" and " In Memoriam," and called on Mrs. Huggins as probably the most spirituelle. " I was dis- appointed with her views of poetry. I read the Intro- duction, and th(> following conversation ensued : — I. — ' We have here, I think, a fine combination of the poet with the poetic artist.' H. — ' I wadna doot. How's yer sister?' I. — 'Well, I thank you. Slie has been a long time cultivating the ideal under me ; but her talent is small, her genius nothing.' H. — ' Is her rock (cough) better.' I. — ' Rather, Mrs. Huggins. But, pray, how do you like Wordsworth?' H.~' I dinna ken him. Whar does he leeve ? In Pcttigrew's Close ? Is he the sticket minister.'" It mav not be out of place to here quote Norman's opinion of some English parsons. In 1855 he wrote from London : — " Dined at 's. There was a party of eight or nine. Most of tiiem English parsons, with the usual amount of thoroughly correct manners, large hearts, middling heads, and knowing nothing of .Scotland except as a place in the Islands, from which grouse come. But really Tery nice — you know." Dr. Guthrie has also something to say of the English 32 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. ministers : — " With my own ears I heard an independent minister in England — a very fine gentleman, witii his ring and well arranged hair — deeming meal a very vulgar term, speak of the widow's barrel of ^^ flour" when referring to her who had the cruse of oil and barrel of meal ; and to my old countr}' neighbourhood there came a seceder youth, affecting such refineinent that, while some of his worthy predecessors would have called children bairns, he spoke of them as "those sweet and interesting bipeds that call man father ! " The same authority tells how an " English lady in London expressed much pleasure at renewing our acquaintance ; but was specially glad at the opportunity of introducing me to her son, who was a clergyman. ' He will be so glad to see you,' she added, ' for, dear Dr. Guthrie, he often preaches your sermons to his people ! ' " Too often the minister was looked upon as only neces- sary for giving a sermon on the Sunday and conducting marriages, christenings and such like, but that frequently depended on the minister himself. One of sporting pro- clivities, and not much esteemed by his parishioners, was one dav following the foxhounds when he was thrown from his horse into a ditch. One of his parishioners passing that way from his work heard his cries for help, and perceiving who it was in the ditch, calmly said, " \y, ye can lie there, my lad, for me ; ye're no' needed till Sabbath." Dr. Norman Macleod tells how in America he met Dr. M , who had a frightful stammer, and in asking for a minister to be sent out said, "We d-d-don't expect a v-v-very c-c-clever man, but would be quite pleased to have one who could g-g-give us a p-p-plain everyday s-s-sermon, like "what yvii g'-g'-gcive us yourself to-day ! ''' THE MINISTER. 35 It is ver\' sad for those of whom much is expected. A new minister succeeded in a rural parish a much respected minister, and the verdict was, " Oh, aye, he's a guid preacher ; but he's naethinii;' to the auld ane. Ve see, oor hist man was terribly weel acquaint wi' the deevil ; an' to my mind, a kirk without a dee\il is nae worth a doit ! " If the minister could not be spoken to in the pulpit Ik- sometimes got plain statements addressed to him outside. A country minister, who for one sermon a week was paid a stipend of ^500 a year, was one day strolling' leisurely through the churchyard when he came across Johnny Smart, the village half-wit, seated on a gravestone. " It's a great sin, Johnny," he somewhat sharply re- marked, " to be always idle and doing nothing." " .\v(\ but it's a greater sin, sir," instantly retorted the worthy, " to tak' a rowth o' siller for daeiir next to naething." The people had a shrewd idea that he was quite human when his own interests were concerned. A churchman went to the dissenting minister to ask him to pra\- for rain. This gentleman asked him why he did not go to the parisli minister, to which came the following repiv, " Catch him praying for rain to my neeps when his ain hay is no' in yet." His failings were well know n. A lad} , whiit- sojourn- ing in upper Deeside, entered the quaint old church of Crathie one Sabbath forenoon, and sat down in a roonn pew which was occupied by a burly Deeside farmer and his good lady. No sooner had the minister commenced his sermon than the farmer handed along an enormous snuff-mull, which the lady politely declined. "Tak' the sneeshin', mem, tak' the sneeshin'," said the mull-holder in' a hoarse whisper, "ye dinna ken oor minister; ye'll need it afore he's dune." 1) 34 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. If a yount;- minister presumed, as j'oung- ministers will do even yet, he usually i^ot floored by some lady of mature years. "Ye speak, sir, as if the Bible had just come out," said an old lady to a young" clergyman wlio was instructing- her on some point of Christian practice on which she was disposed to differ from him. An old lady, who was a frequent visitor at Robertson of Irvine's home, met a probationer of many years' -standing at that house on one occasion. He was pacing up and down the parlour floor while the old lady was busy at her knitting. Stopping and laying his hand on her shoulder he said, " You and I are just alike, Miss Kirkwood : you never got a husband and I never got a kirk." " How many calls had you, sir?" quickly asked the lady. " Oh," he said, " I never received a call at all." "Then," was her indignant reply, " don't you be, eveniii! yoursel' to me." Sometimes the minister is too holy to suit all his parishioners. An eminent LL. D., still flourishing in "The Garden of Scotland," was described by a hard- drinking factor as a " Puir cratur, just company for ma wife and the boy." " But lie is very pious." " Oh, yes, painfully pious." Apparently this minister was not accustomed to finding on visitation a table covered with white linen, and supporting in solemn array a Bible flanked bv a bottle, glasses and cake. The association of the pastoral visitation with whisky is rapidly being dissolved. It is no longer possible to perform, or even attempt, the astounding day's work of which a venerable country parson once boasted. "Well, I am done up! I have made nineteen veesits, put up nineteen prayers, and drunk nineteen glasses of whisky !" Kirsty Robertson, a hard-working Perth washer- woman, had no tault to find with her minister. When THE MINISTER. 35 he inquired iifter her spiritual and temporal welfare, and expressed the hope that she received much s^^ood from her rci^ular attendance at the ordinances, the auld bodle replied, " Ou ay, sir, it's no every day I get sic a nice seat to sit on, an" sae little to think aboot." A clergyman further south than Pe'rth once observed with gratification the regular attendance of a man who came over ten miles to his church. One day he took occasion to refer to the subject. "It is a matter of much satisfaction to me, Thomas, to see you so regularly in your seat on .Sunday." " Ou ay, sir, I like weel to come to your k'wk ; for on the road I aye look in at Luckie Tamson's cheenge-house, where a bod_\- can get the best pint o' yill in the Stewartry." Dr. Cruden, of Nigg, an unusually godly man, had occasion to reprove a fisherman for telling an untruth, and incautiously remarked that lie himself had never wilfully told a lie in his life. " Ay, but ye did lee," said the fisherman, "an' that in the vera poopit!" "Me, John?" said the astonished minister. "Ye must be greatly mistaken." " Mistaken here, or mistaken there, sir, — you said that Nichol Davidson was a ruler amo' the Jews, an' I ken brawly he's nlvver been mair nor five-an'-therty mile frae the Cove o' Nigg in his life." The poor man liad mixed up Nicodemus with some local scion of liie clan Daxidson. Reproxing a fisherman for ill-treating his wife, on another occasion, the good doctor closed his exhortation by reminding him that " the wife was the weaker vessel." " Ay, weel than," said the wrathful husband, " she should cairry the laicher (lower) sail." The minister has always had a difficult position to occupy as regards dress. If he turned out too gaudily people said he was a fop, and it was " their money that pey'd 36 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. fort;" and if he turned out slovenly he was a " pulr cratur no worth lookui' up to." The minister who dressed well has usually had the best of it. The author of " About Galloway Folk" writes : — Shortly after my own ordina- tion, a farmer returnini^" from market entered the railway compartment where some of our clerical body were already seated. He was introduced to the new member of Presbytery, but said not a word. Arriving- at his station, he got out and stood at the door. "An' ye tell mc this is the m^w minister ? " He looked long and sadly at the person referred to. Then with a sigh — " Weel-a- weel," he remarked finally, " a'm a better judge o' a fat beast than o' a meenister ! " The same writer tells how a country shoemaker once nearly wrecked his minister's gravity as he busily brushed the mud oft' the ecclesiastical feet, by running on thus : — ■ " Eh, sir, it's no' a day for ye to be oot. Sic gutters beyond belief, and vou on \ our fut ! Bide a wee or I pit a haet o' polish on them. Ve maun never gang aboot tlie toon wi' sic feet. A minister's nae accoont ava 'Ithoot shiny boot t He was apparently also of little account- without a "machine." The Galloway author to whom I am so much indebted says : — The people regard this disappear- ance of equipage witli surprise and dissatisfaction. Not \fet sufliciently aware of, or alive to, their minister's loss of income, thev set his conduct down to eccentricity, and sometimes, alas ! to avarice. I remember presenting- myself, after long miles of moorland, at a farmhouse. The goodwife threw wide the door with that hospitable gesture which is a hereditary trait in Galloway. Then she shaded her eyes, looking all round the landscape, and at last ejaculated — " But whaur's the luaclmie, sir?" The minister was not always a polished man, though THE MINISTER. 37 some of tlie leadiiiic professors did the best they could for him. It is said that Dr. Davidson, Edinburgh, shpped a bank note into the iiands of a poor student, beneath whose coarser crust, however, he discerned both uncom- mon piety and uncommon talents, saying, " Take that, my dear lad, and go to Mr. . You'll be much the better of a quarter at the dancing." Mr. Angus from Aberdeenshire would have been none the worse of a quarter at the dancing. Preaching for Dr. Blair in Edinburgh, he announced that he was to prove that man was a fa en creature. He launched this out on the astonished heads of the polished aristocrats of Edin- burgh : — " It is well known that a sou has a' the puddin's o' a man axcept ane ; and if that doesna' preeve that man is fa'en, there's naething will ! ' .Sometimes the most polished may be off form, so to speak. Such was the case of the minister who, while working in his garden in his ordinary beggar-like attire, was alarmed to see the carriage of his patron, the pro- prietor of the parish, whirling rapidly along the road to his manse. The polish was off, but a ready brain made up for it. It was too late to attempt a retreat and get himself put in decent order to receive "my lord." He stuck his battered hat down on his shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and, throwing rigidity into all his form, stood there in the potato ground, the very beau ideal of a " potato- bogle "-never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the front entrance, while he made I'or the back door to don his .Sunday garb. CHAPTER VI. THE MINISTERS MAN'. CLOSELY associated with the minister we liave llie "minister's man;" and wiiat quaint stories are told of him ! What an important personag^e he was, to be sure ! He now /ivrs only in old volumes, but he will never be forgotten. His place has been taken by an up- to-date gardener who can look after the herbaceous plants and the flowers in the " cemetery," not " kirkyaird." Of course he supervises the labourers who dig' the g^raves. In a short time he may be succeeded by some one who has served an apprenticeship as stoker. Recentlv the cremated remains of Dr. H were brought to Had- dington Churchyard, and among- the mourners entered old Will Haldane, who had once been assistant g^rave- digger. He evidently did not approve of the innovation, to judge by his remarks, " I thocht it was only in a place ca'd hell that they brunt folks, but noo it seems they can dae't in Lunnon." Will seemed to have some of the spirit of the old beadle who told a ner\ous youngf student, " Preach awa', my mannie, an" dinna gie a curse for ony o' them ! " A young Hawick gardener was appointed sexton in an East Lothian parish a year or two ag-o, and a native of Hawick, who was living in the district, went to make his acquaintance. In the course of con- versation the man who had been away from Hawick for a while asked, " How's trade ? " (meaning-, of course, in his native town). The sexton replied, " It's g'ey puir ; we only had twa burials this week — not THE MLMSTKR'S MAX. 39 that I mind it, but the clerk is beginning to grumble." A somewhat similar story is lold of Ben Mhar, the- Highland gravedigger of IMonzie-vaird, who, when deploring the healthy state of the parish, used to complain that he " Could hardly get snuff, the way sae few folk were deein." His wife, too, had always the same lament. " We're shust no getting on weel Hva ; hissel's no at nae wark i' the kirkyaird. Shust twa or three bairns an' ae auld wife deed a' the winter, an' ye see there's naething maist for howkin' bairns' graves. If naebody be deed an' be buried afore next month, we'll no get nae tatties for seed, deed no, this spring. ' The beadle of Muthill was digging a grave opposite the back window of a public-house. The Rev. James Walker was in conversation with him when a knock was heard on the window aforesaid. The minister, judging what was in the wind, said, "Ah, John ! will ye not repent and give up your sinful ways?" "You know well enough, Mr. Walker, that there is no repentance in the grave," and springing out of tlic grave he went where he was wanted. John Prentice of Carnwath had a pleasant expression. " Hech wow !" he would .say when told of the death of any person ; " ay, man, an' is so-and-so dead ? Weel, I wad rather it had been anither twa ! " A worthy in a Forfarshire parish informed a visitor that he had buried one or more out of every house in the parish, with the exception of " thae folk o' Todhills," though the}- had rim nearly twa lacks o' their farm. " Oh, yes, old Todhills himsel' looks hale and hearty, ay, liale and hearty eneuch, an' tichtenin' his grip on the warld every day. lUit fouic sud live an' lal live, sir. 1 sav fouk sud live an" lat li\('." 40 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. A youngs lad was sent by liis aunt to old Charlie Pirie, gravedigj^er in Turriff, to see if she could be buried in her husband's grave, she being afraid there might not be sufficient room. Charlie probed the grave and said, " Ye can tell your aunt I'll bury her ony time she likes." Charlie used to get chaB" for his bed from a neighbour- ing farmer who would not take any payment, merely saving, " Ye'll hae me to bury." Charlie lived to imple- ment his bargain, for althougli he was past working he put on the last sod and said, " Noo I've paid my caff." An Englishman came across a gravedigger at work in the north of Scotland, and asked, " Do they often die here?" The sexton replied decisively, " Naw, only CHArXER VII. STOOl'S. THE minister and his man were verj- prominent in tlie church, but they were not the stoops. They did not sustain tlie buildini^ ; their services could be dis- pensed with. The piUars on which the buildinfjf rested were the leadinj^f men of the flock, men who dared when occasion arose to challenije even the minister. The ■elders and the deacons in their own estimation were just -iibout as good as the minister, and the general church i^oers have usually either respected or suspected them. I see, with retrospective eye, The elder at the plate. The deacon standing sentry by To keep the elder straight. Wlien the minister could not appear the elder had to do his best. .Shortly after the Disruption of 1843 h (iaelic congregation in a Lowland town found that no minister liad arrived on .Sabbath morning to take the service. Before the close a messenger arrived bringing word of an accident liiat had happened on the road. The thanks- giving prayer of the elder in charge was, " We thank Thee, () Lord, that though TIiou has coupit the coach the minister is safe." How true it is that " the e\il that men do lives after jIkmii, the good is oft interred with tiicir bones." The ciders and deacons did excellent work, and are doing the same yet, but the bulk of " reminiscences " shows that story-tellers were like the Galloway folk and the minister. Thev " ave liked to hae a nih at him." 42 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. Tlie elder obeyed the scripture by sometimes adding- the cunning' of the serpent to tlie innocence of the dove. A Stirling elder interested in tiie poultry business paid a high price for special eggs, and, as they turned out well, all the neighbours bespoke settings when the elder's- young fowls began the egg manufacture. This in due time they did, and he had fancy eggs on the market. He charged for them, though, and if the neighbours pro- tested, he instanced his enormous first outlay and the risk of total loss, and the eggs went off very well for a time. Then there was a falling-off in the demand. So the elder, finding that they would no more go at fancy prices, and being already paid pretty well, resolved to let them go to his usual merchant simply as eggs. This got abroad, and the merchant was besieged for those eggs, for the experts believed they could tell the fancy ones from ordinary eggs. The merchant had a fine trade for three weeks. A day or two after that he met the elder, and said, " A lot o' folk got your eggs frae me and set them. They say they're a' bad. They'll no come out." " Umph ! they sud come to me for their settin' eggs ! Wha ever heard o' buyin' settin' eggs in a grocer's shop ? " Then, in a burst of confidence, " I jest dippit the end o' them in bilin' water, ye ken — killed thc^ germ. Od, if they want settin' eggs they sud come to me honest-like." It is rather hard to bring stories derogatory to the eldership under the heading of " Stoops," but we can't help it, for extraordinary stories are told of knavery under the cloak of religion. They are not confined to any particular part of Scotland, but prevail more in the north, where honesty is supposed by some to have a strong hold. The storv is told of a holv Caitlinessman who went to. STOOPS. 43 (Orkney to buy cattle, and wlio succeeded as a liolv man ought to. He took up Iiis quarters for the night in the house of a peasant, and left the cattle he had bought to feed on the provender of his host, the host not knowing anything about it. When bedtime was announced the Caithnessman considered it unseemly to retire without having family worship. On the suggestion of the host the Caithnessman pertormed the duty. How long- the service lasted history does not relate, but while it was going on the owner of the house heard some noise out- side, and after slipping softh" away he returned and saluted the holy man thus, " Get up aff o' thee knees, the d etc., etc., thee art. Thee lying upo' thee knees prayin', and the cattle in ma corn ! " .Mr James Inglis tells a story of the death of a loud professor of religion and a leading elder in the kirk. The only man who had a word of praise to say for the deceased was another elder of like kidney with the departed hypocrite. A young farmer, who found him- self a likely victim to the tune of some hundred pounds, felt rather resenltul, and when the fulsome, hypocritical Pharisee who was thrusting himself to the front began once more loudly and aggressively to vaunt the virtues of the deceased, the young farmer's soul waxed wroth within him. "All!" said the smug-faced panegyrist; " so poor Tammas has g-aen to his lang hanie. Ah ! '* turning up his eyes and smacking his lips, " Ah, but he was a fine man wis Tammas." " Ou ay," growled the young farmer ; " I dare s.iy he wis, aff an' on, as guid's some o' his neebors " (putting a tremendous emphasis on the " soim''"). " .\h !" again exclaimed the wily hum- bug ; " but he wis a graiind, upricht, strauchtforrit, godly, pious man wis T mmas. Kh, sirss, I've nae doot he's in .Xubraham's bosom noo." This was too much for -14 SCOTTISH LIFK AND HUMOUR. the bluff Nouny farmer. He saw through the oily lium- bug- at a g-hmce, and said, " Humph ; I hae ma doots. I'm thinkiii' Aubraham's no sic a fule as tae let him creep sae far ben." Ministers and elders had to set a good example to the members of the flock, and to this may probably be attributed their desire not to be seen going into a public- house. A near relative of mine did not apparently appre- ciate this delicacy sutificiently, for after driving with an elder and handing over the pony to the hostler at the back of the inn, when the elder suggested that they should go in by the back door, the relative said, " Na, na, John, I gang in to the kirk by the front door, and I'll gang in to the public-hoose the same way." A more amusing story is told of a minister and his man who were returning from a real old-fashioned marriage. " We had better gang in by the back, the nicht,'' said the minister, on arriving near the manse. *' What vvey ? " queried Sandy. " .\weel, there's been a deal o' whisky gaein', and I think it wad be better." " Na, na, straucht forrit, straucht forrit," persisted Sandy. "Very weel, then; but, at ony rate, I'll walk on in front a meenit, and youll tell's how I'm daein'." The minister then walked on a few yards, and called back, "How am I daein', tiien, Sandy?" " Brawly, sir, brawly," said the beadle, " but wha's that wi' ye ? " Some twenty-five years ago it was quite customary in the church services in the north of Scotland to " read the line," and when there was a proposal to convey " the language of the soul " without the formality of reading, cries of disowning the Most High were heard. Gradu- ally a compromise was effected. The first psalm only was read, and tliat to enable worshippers who came in late to join in the praise without disturbing their neigh- STOOPS. 45 bours by asking " the place." The precentor was a man of unportance, but he is now sharing the fate of buffaloes and Red Indians. The kist o' whistles was the Maxim gun that drove him away back into the interior. In his place is the organist with or without an odour of sanctity, and the organist is assisted by choir girls with an odour of sweet lavender. It is interesting to watch the choir girl marching up the aisle. She is a thing apart from the ordinary worshippers. " .\h ! little kenn'd thy reverend grannie!" If the modern choir girl has a good opinion of herself, so had the old-fashioned precentor. A minister preaching for a neighbour took occasion at the close of the service to compliment the precentor on the excellence of his work. The musician listened with great dignity to the favourable criticism, and replied, " Weel, minister, it has just ta'en me twenty years to be perfect." Dr. Chalmers used to preach to a small gathering of common people in llic village of Water of Leith. " Tammas," the pncentor, was a man of importance, and the Doctor never failed to compliment the old man at the close of the service on his admirable singing, which, he told him, he enjo\'ed so much the more because he never heard an\lhing like il in tiiosr modern days. One night Tammas modestly disclaimed the usual com- pliment because he had " gane alT the tune." " Non- sense," said Chalmers, "you sang as well as ever 1 heard you." "Ay, but it's true. Doctor; I gaed aff the tune a'thegither. 1 began wi' /lis/i, an' I lost it in the second line. But I calched the French in the third line." " Weel done, Tammas," returned the preacher, clapping him on the back, " you should have been at Waterloo." Mr. William Har\ey, author of" Scotch Thistles," etc. , has the following : In one of these opposition churches 46 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. a plan was adopted wliereby no minister, stranger or other, might indulge in a divergence from tlie songs of the "sweet Psahnist of Israel." In this instance the leaves of the Bible, at the paraphrases, were firmly glued together. On one occasion, when a probationer was to fill a pulpit in the border land, he thought some of the new translations might be more appropriate to his sermon. The probationer tells the story himself. He says : — As I sat in the vestry a man cam' in that I took to be the precentor, so I gied him what I usually gi'e to toun kirks, a psalm, a paraphrase, and two hymns. He took them, put on his glasses, and lookit at my writin' gye scornfu' like. " Hymns," says he, " Na ! we sing nae hymns here, an' we're nane sae carin' for the paraphrases neither." " Oh," I said, " I could easy find psalms to suit my subject." ".Aye, and I think they micht hae served ye too," says he. The story is told by S. R. Crockett, in "The Stickit Minister," and in a letter to the present writer he says, " It may interest you to know that I my- self was the probationer." I was personally witness of an almost identical incident. The probationer is now a Free Church minister in East Lothian. Repeating tunes used to be a lorment to the precentor in addition to being extreme!}- ludicrous. Mr Ford in " Thistledown " tells how to the well-known Hundredth Psalm a repeating tune lias sometimes been applied, which, from a peculiarity in its arrangement, has rendered the line — "And for His sheep he doth us take" — thus, "And for His sheep /icd-XnA for His sheep he\i—\nA for His sheep he\{~o\.h us take." From the same indis- cretion multitudes of people have been made to exclaim, " Oh ! send down .SVir/— Oh ! send down Sal— Oh ! send 4own sal — va — tion to us,'' and solicit the privilege to STOOPS. 47 *' Bo7v — Ti'ow — u'07v before the tlirone." But surely tlie most ludicrous example ot' the kuTcl ever produced was when the female voices in a clioir had to repeat by them- selves — " Oh ! for a man — Oh I for a ?!!an — Oh ! for a man — slon in the skies." The Scottish people have always had a strong' dislike to change, a dislike which was specially marked in the sphere of religious worship. Hence the old style of church music, notwithstanding much that was ludicrous, died hard. On the first introduction of an organ into a certain county church, an elderly man was heard muttering' as he trudged out at the close, " Organ," quo' he, " he'll be haein' fiddles next ! " The writer of "About Galloway Folk" tells how "a decent old farmer once addressed me as follows : — ' What's this I hear, sir, aboot the kirk? They tell me veil be to hae inacsic and a kair noo, and ither new- fangled things ! I dinna appruve o'd I What need is there for ony viacsic in the kirk ? Oor forefaithers maun'd to worship (lod weel enough without ntacsic, iind why should we no do the vara same ? ' Near (he place where we stood his own man was driving a brand- new gaudily painted turnip-sower of the latest and most economical kind. I pointed to it, and asked him if his forefathers dreamed of such an innovation ; if not, why should he adopt innovations in his farming, and refuse to give them a trial in his worshipping? The illustration went where it came from — straight home. ' Weel, sir,' he admitted, ' I'll alloo a lurnip-sower is a gran' thing'!'" CHAPTER VIII. THE SAWBATII. THF First day of the week has been ordained a day of Rest. .So closely was it observed in Scotland that one woman, supposed to represent a numerous class, said she did not think any more of the Saviour for ordering- His disciples to pull ears of corn on that dav. There are man\" quaint stories of the strictness witii which the day was kept. The Duke of .Argyll had come to Edinburgh in com- mand of a corps of Fencibles about the time the First Napoleon threatened to invade our island. He was an accomplished whistler, and had the habit, when absorbed in thought, of whistling some favourite tune. Quite unconscious of it, he was so eng-ag-ed as he lay over the window of an hotel in Princes Street, one Sunday morning before church time. He was suddenly roused from his reverie by the sharp tones of a person on the pavement below, and there stood an old woman with her Bible in one hand, shaking- the other at him, and giving^ e.xpression to her indignation in these words, " Eh ! ye ivprubdt ! ye repwhdt ! ''' The Rev. Dr. Guthrie, who, as I have mentioned elsewhere, was one of those who did much to soften the acerbity with which the keeping- of the old .Scottish Sabbath was characterised, writes : — On first going to Ross-shire to visit and preach for Mr. Carnient of Ross- keen I asked on the .Saturday evening whether I could get warm water in the niorning? Whereupon he held up a warning liand, saying-, " Whisht, whisht ! '' On niy THK SAW BATH. 49 looking- and expressing astonishment, he said, with a twinkle in Iiis eye, " Speak of shaving on the Lord's day in Ross-shire and you need never preacii here more." In the same county a servant girl refused to feed the cows on the Sabbath but not to milk them. She argued, " The cows canna milk themselves, so to milk them is a clear work of necessity and mercy ; but, let them out to the fields, and they'll feed themselves."' There were ways and means of satisfying the con- science, and yet doing a little business on the Lord's day. A certain minister and elder in Perthshire managed well even " between the preachin's." " Had it not been the Sabbath day, Mr. Blank," r(>marked the preacher, " I would have asked you how tin- ha\ was selling' in l^■rli^ on Friday?" "Weel, sir," replied the sessional confrere, " had it no been the day that it is, I wad just hae tell't ye it was gaun at a shillin' the stane." " Indeed ! Well, Iiad it been Monday instead of Sabbalii, 1 would ha\e told you that I have some to sell." " Imphm, ay, ou ay, sir. .\n' had it been Monday, as ye say, then, 1 wad just hae tell't ye I wad gie yi- market price for't." The significant nod which the minister gave to this last remark brought the elder with a couple of carts to the manse on Monda\- morning, and before mid-day the minister's hav-stack was )U)n est. A hardworking people, like the Scots, naturally fretted at the enforced cessation from labour for a se\ciuh part of the week. A golf caddie was asked if he got much carrying in the wintir time. " Na, na, sir," replied the boy, " there's nae carrying in the winter time. Ve see, it's this way. If it's no sna' it's frost ; if it's no frost, it's sna' ; if it's neither sna' nor tVosl, it's rain ; if it's no rain, its wind ; and if it's a line day, it's the Sawbath I'' By the wav, the weather at (ilenfalloch was once .aptly !•: 50 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HL'MOL'R. •described by an old Higbland " kimnier " as, " Shoorv, shoory, shoory, an' rain in between." As might be expected a great change has taken place in Sabbath observance. A siiepherd can now wliistle on his dog without fear of being- beaten within an inch of his life. Tlie hen may now cackle to her heart's content over the egg laid on the Sabbath morn, aye, even though it drowned the sound of the churchgoing' bells. Ministers have denounced Sabbath-breaking- with tlie utmost vehemence, but witiiout avail. As the centur}- is i^rowing old the cyclist sniffs the fresh air on a Sunday morning, mounts his "machine" and rushes through the country at the rate of ten to twenty miles an hour. Well-meaning magistrates close hotels ag^ainst him, but he always finds some port. Char-a-bancs leave the towns on summer Sundays, and ag^ainst their occupants the mag-istrates are powerless, for the\' carry the where- withal along with them. Sunday sailing" has evidently ■come to stay. I quote a letter addressed to the magis- trates of Dunoon by a minister : — " I take the liberty of writing- you to say that I trust you will do all in your power this season to oppose any attempt that maj' be renewed to disturb our peaceable shores, and I advance one or two considerations : — (i) That the community has Jill along- been, and continues, \ery decidedly opposed to the introduction of the .Sunday steamers with the motley freig^ht of pleasure-seekers which they bring. Last year I called personally on a large number for signatures, and got but one refusal — that of a ten-months' non-resident ; 1(2) the presence of this foreign element, if introduced Sunday after .Sunday, would not only seriously disturb the amenity of our shores, but would sadly interfere with the time-honoured practice of house-letting. We all let, excepting ministers and magistrates. Upwards of a THE SAWBATH. 51 lliousand people among us depend upon this for a liveli- hood. It is unfair that the comfort of so many should be imperilled for tlie j^nitification of a few pleasure-seekers. The eyes of very many in the land were directed last year to Dunoon. Tlie wise among them applauded the Com- missioners, unUnown and yet well known, for the noble stand they made against the endeavour to foist mob law on the community, and they beg to remind the Com- missioners that llie battle has wider than local issues. (3) .Mtliough Sabbath observance can by no manner of means be compelled, yet very naturally we look to our Commissioners to safeguard for us, as far as may be in their power, those privileges which the great bulk of the people have been taught and learned to regard as sacred. Trusting that your efforts in this and in every other department for the common weal may liave great success." The Free .Synod of Ross and Cromarty complained of the Highland Railway Company running an excursion train to (jlasgow in connection with the international football match played there. The train returned on .Sunday at 4.10 .\..M., and this was described as an inroad on the Lords Day and an encouragement of Sabbatli travelHng. One of the members, the Rev. Mr. Macaskill, said that llie desecration of the Sabbath, in whatever form, was a sure sign of the decay of vital godliness. He also spoke strongly condemning tiie officials of the Highland Railway for giving such facilities to see a footbaU match. These matches were not of any public use, eiliier for mental improvement or for the soul's salvation. It was no case of necessity to go and see a football match. The above may be taken as showing the attitude of the; clergv on the one hand and a large section of the 52 SCOTTISH LIP^K AND HUMOUR. communit}' on the other when the century has not a couple of years to run. But the clergy are not all on one side. The Rev. H. M. B. Reid, of Balmaghie, recently spoke stronj^ly at the Synod of Glasgow and Ayr. Owing- to the absence of the convener, there was no report by the " Sabbath Observance Committee," and Mr. Reid said he thought the Synod might economise their time by doing away with any call for a report on this question. He did not minimise the importance of the observance of what he preferred to call Sunday, but what the Synod called the Sabbath, but it seemed to him that, as the national Church of Scotland and the leading Church of Scotland, they ought to set the example of infusing some degree of sincerity and loyalty into this matter of Sunday observance. Time after time in that Court and in other Courts reports were brought up on this question which ended, and were expected to end, not even in the proverbially unsatisfactory result of smoke. As a general rule the expectation was that the report of the convener on .Sunday observance would be received with decorous silence, that the convener would be thanked and continued with his committee, which presumably met occasionall}', and that the matter would be buried as quickly as possible ; and if any discussion took place, it was more in the sense of a disclaimer on the part of the members of the Synod of the antiquated sentiments, the out-of-date theology and the very shakv history which were from time to time put forth in the reports of the observance of the Lord's Day. The example of sister Churches, as they might be called, in sending for jere- miads which from time to time resounded in the public prints over the so-called decline of Sabbath observance ought to warn them tliat the Church was not doing any good to itself in this matter, and that it would show that THE SAWBATH. 53 discretion which was said to be the superior part ot" valour it' they for their part were to cease to indult^e in useless and unprofitable lamentations. Instead of having' a report en Sabbath observance, they might devote them- selves to finding out, through a committee or some other wav, some means whereby they could restore that interest in the Lord's Day which, it was alleged, had vanished. Cricket, golf and bowling are not yet recognised as suitable occupations on Sundays, but they are working forward. The Scot in England has no hesitation in playing golf, billiards, or even tlic "devil's books" on Sundays, and his brother in tiie neighbourhood of Edin- burgh may be frequently seen with a golf club in his hand. What a change from the days of the Solemn League and Covenant ! I do not profess to deal with what is being done in lingland, but as " puir auld Scotland" has been follow- ing the example of her southern neighbour in many things, I quote from the Methodist Times: — It appears that there is a certain Roman Catholic cricket club which is recruited from the leading Roman Catholic publip schools. They have already arranged cricket matches at St. Edmund's College at Ware, at Downside College near Bath, and at Ampleforth College near York, on certain Sundays in May and June. The secretary of the club has informed a representative of the press that they hope to carry this much further. It appears that it has long been the custom in Roman Catholic colleges " to indulge in Sunday games," but in consequence of the opinion which has hitherto existed in England, they have been obliged to confine themselves to games among themselves. Inter-collegiate matches of a more im- portant character have not been arranged until now. The secretarv of tlic club fintlier informs us tlial he is 54 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. on the committee of one of the most important London cricket clubs, and that a great many cricketers who are busv durini^ the week are extremely anxious to arrange for Sunday cricket And if cricket matches, why not football matches and horse races on Sunday ? We are told, indeed, that all the golf clubs in the kingdom are open on Sunday. We are very sorry to hear it, and it is greatly to the discredit of those who play golf. In their utter selfishness they think only of themselves, and take no account of the mischief which may be done bv their example and influence. At the same time, we must admit that g'olf in the nature of things is not likely to do half so much widespread evil as great popular matches attended by thousands, and even by tens of thousands, of thoughtless and reckless persons, with all the modern accompaniments of drunkenness and gamb- ling The Roman Catholics in this country seem to be developing an enthusiastic desire to carry out the proposals of the Bishop of Chester. If they do, it is probable that even he will come to see that the serious and sublime objects of human life can not be promoted by the cultivation of golf and cricket and football on Sunday. In certain sensual quarters these suggestions will be received with boundless applause, and certain sections of the press will eulogise them as indicating- great breadth of thought and humanity. i CHAPTER IX. THE FORT^■-•l IIKKE. THIC secessions from the Cluirch of Scotland were not matters to joke about, but the perfeiindtiiu ingcnium found vent in sly liits which we can look back upon as often liumorous. Here is an auld wife's log'ic. Shortly after 1843 an old woman was walking' to churcli along witli her family. The .\uid Kirk minister rode past at a tremendous rate, and the old bod\' said to her children- -" Siccan a wey to be ridin', and this the Saw- bath day. Aweel, aweel, a gude man is mercifu' to his beast." Shortly afterwards her own minister rode past just as furiously, and the wortliy old wifie cried — " Ah, there he goes. The Lord bless him. Puir man, his heart's in his wark, an' he's eager to be at it." The auld witie had not a monopoly of that system of logic. It was in 1842 that Professor Ayloun wrote a poem describing a visit from a parson, wiio was " coming out," to one of his elders, John Makgill. The minister said : — The Scarlet Woman will be here to sit within our ha', For when ye see a Hishop, John, the I'aip's no far awa'. They'll soon be liere to tithe ye, they'll tithe baith stot and stirk ; O ! wae's nie for the Covenant, and wae's me for the Kirk ! They'ie ettlin' for the manses, John, they're ettlin' fast and fain ; And they'll be bringin' 'l"am Ualzell and Claver'se back again. Hm we'll meet them on the ground, John, where we met them ance afore, And pay thae weary Moderates a black and bitter score. Sae king's we're a' united, it winna do to bow To the cankered Lords o' Session, wi' their wigs o' plastered tow ; M'e'll gather on the hills, John, we'll gather far and near. 56 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. And Cnndlish he will lead the van, and Cunningham the rear ; We'll think o' Bothwell Brig, John, and the Raid o' Rullion Green, We'll show them that we lo'e the Kirk far better-nor the Queen. Our Zion is in danger, sae tak' your auld claymore, .\nd tak' ye doon the rauchan that hihgs ahint the door ; .'\nd pit your braid blue bonnet on, and we'll dander up the glen, .\nd meet the bauld Conventicle, as our fathers did, ye ken. .\uld Jolin Makgill he listened, and whiles he wat his thumb. And whiles took u]3 the cuttie pipe that lay beside the lum, And whiles he keekit in the pat that held the simmering kale. But ne'er a bit he lifted his rauchan frae the nail. Nae doot, nae doot ! an awfu' case, the times are unco hard, And sae ye're thinkin', minister, to leave yer ain kaleyard, And the bonnie manse and stipend, that was worth twa hundred pund, And the Netherhaugh glebe acres — it's grand potato grund ! An awfu' dispensation ! I canna say ye're wrang. For gin ye think ye shouldna stop, yer very richt to gang. .\nd sae the Lords hae bent the Kirk ? That's waefu' news to tell ; Ye's hae my blessing, minister, but I canna gae mysel'. My auld claymore's just useless, it's rusted fu' o' holes — Indeed, the bairns hae broken it wi' hackin' at the coals. 'J'he rheumatiz is in my back — I canna tell hoo sair — And I got my death wi' drivin' in the beasts to Hallow I''air. I'm no the body that I was — ye ken I'm gettin' auld ; -And as for lyin' oot of doors, the nichts are dismal cauld ! Ye'll need a gude thick greatcoat gin ye're gangin' up to sleep In the bare and broken heather, 'mang the moorlands and the sheep. Ye'll find its warmer lyin', gif ye lay doon heads and thraws, Wi' the ither noble gentlemen that winna thole the laws. I'm very laith to lose ye, and so is Jenny here — There's no a better liket man in ony parish near. But, gin the case is pressing, I waclna dare to say Ye'd better take a thought on't, and bide anither day. 'Twill he an unco comfort, when the nichts are cauld and mirk, To think that ye are chosen to suffer for the Kirk. For me it's clean impossible — ye ken I'm auld and frail ; But surely sir, afore ye gaun, ye'll stop and taste oor kale ? Now glad should b: our minister that he called at John Makgill's, For easily he kept the manse, and ne\er took the hills. Dr. Norman Macleod went to America in 1845, two years after the Disruption of the Free Church, and wrote as follows from Charlotte Town : — Stalking- up the town we met some Morven men. The following conversation amused me as exemplifying a strong; churchman. A g;reat rough fellow, a teetotaller (?) was the speaker. THE 'FORTY-THREE. 0/ His name was Campbell. C. — " Is my Uncle Donald alive ? " I.—" No. He is dead." C. (very carelessly) — " Aye, aye. Is my Uncle Sandy alive ? " I. — " No ; he is dead too." C. — " Aye, aye " (but no niark of sorrow), "and what are his children doing-?" I. — "Indeed, they are the only Free Ciiurchmon in the parish ! " C. (openini^f his eyes and lifting up his hands) — " Save us ! Is that possible ! " The death of his uncles was evidently a joke in comparison with the horrible apostasy of his children. Dr. Pryde, in his " Pleasant Memories of a Busy Life," tells how an employer of labour could not abide the pre- sence of Free Church people. They were hateful, not only to his sight but to his sense of smell. Chancing one day to go into the barn where they worshipped, he held his nose and exclaimed, " Oh, what a stench of these hypocrites ! ' He sneered at his sisters, who were collectors for the Free Church, and hired rascal boys to jeer at them by calling out " Penny .\nnies." The expression for joining the seceding party was " Comin' oot," and there was a newspaper joke — " We understand that Mr. So-and-So, the chaplain of the jail, has joined the Free Church, and that all the members of his congregation are anxious to come out with him." John came out, but went back again for reasons of his own. " .\ye, man, John," said the Free Church minister, "' an' ye've left us. What, na, was your reason for that ? Did ye think we were gaun an ill road?" "Oh, I daursay the road was guid enough," returned John, " l»ul od, man, the tolls were unco iiigh." The following story about the late Duke of Hamilton and his Arran tenants illustrates a common enougii phase of sectarianism. During the races at Hamillon one year his (jrace invited a number of tenant farmers to 58 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. Hamilton Palace to witness tlie sport. Among those who came were two elders in the Parish Kirk, and one wlio held a similar office in the F"ree Kirk. Just before lea\ing- the Duke asked the F^ree Churchman how he had enjoyed himself. " Grand, your Grace — grand ! And I've won some bits o' bawbees, too ; but dinna let on aboot it to onybody, for I'm an elder." " Tuts, never mind that ! " said the Duke. " So-and-so and So-and-so have been betting too, and they also are elders." " Oh, ay, they are elders, nae doot ; but they are Auld Kirk elders, and they're no' nearly so strict aboot their duties as us Free Kirk folk ! " The " strictness " of the Free Kirk folk is further exemplified in the following, which occurred at a pier in the Western Highlands : — Goods were being landed from a steamer, when the captain said to the deck hand — " Is there anything more to put ashore, Donald?" " A\', sir," answered Donald, "there's the tvva-gallon jar o' whisky for the Established minister." " For the Estab- lished minister, Donald?" said the captain, laughing. " x\re ye quite sure its no for the Free Kirk minister? " "Quite, sir," said Donald, cannlly. "The Free Kirk minister aye gets his whisky-jar sent in the middle of a barrel o' flour ! " A Free Kirk minister in the north of Scotland is said to have concluded a sermon as follows : — " Ma freens, it is as impossible for a Moderate to enter the kingdom o' hevin, as for a coo to climb up a tree wi' her tail foremost and harry a craw's nest ; or for a soo to sit on the tap o' a tiiistle and sing like a mavis." The Rev. Archibald Cook, of Bruan, one of the " men " of the north, preaching in the old Free Church of Thurso, said, " My friends, we read in the Scriptures of two women. The one was named Orpah and the other THE 'FORTY-THREE. 59 Rutli. Tlic one said, ' Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from follo\vini»" after tliee, for whitlier thou goest I will .q'o, etc' The other went back to Iier kindred and her country. She 7voidd make a capital wife fur a moderate minister^ In the same discourse this minister said, " When Christ was on earth He taught His Disciples to pray this prayer, ' Give us this day our daily bread.' The Moderates have no use to pray that praver ; their bread is provided for them." The preacher did not dilate upon how Ruth got intimate with the elderly Boaz. From Caithness to Paisle\- is a long cry, but the spirit of voluntaryism was the same in both. The Rev. Wm. M'Dougal, of Paisley, and a friend — both keen Volun- taries — were driving into Annan when th(Mr horse stumbled and fell on its knees just opposite the Parish Church. A waggish bookseller, who had noticed the occurrence, remarked to them as they entered his shop, "I see you were doing obeisance to the Auld Kirk!" " Oh," said M'Dougal, with a merry twinkle in his eye, " what could you expect of a brute ? " The following little story seems appropriate after more than fifty years' existence of the Free Church. Shortly after the Disruption two clergymen, father and son, were discussing the comparative merits of their Churches, the father having remained faithful to the Church in which he was ordained, while the son had joined the Free Kirk. The father closed the conversation by saying, " When yotir Kirk's lum, Andrew, has been as lang reekin' as mini', I'm Ihinkin' \c"ll find, lad, it will tlun ni'ed sweepin' too." A stor}' somewhat on the samc^ lines is told by Mr. I'ord of a Glasgow dignitary with a very fine handle to his name, who was recentlv rusticating in Western 6o SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. Perthshire. He wished to l-ciiow at first hand the feelinfj of the rural mind on disestablishment, and was introduced to the village blacksmith, who gave the following version of the matter : — " O'd, sir, I dinna ken verra weel what to say aboot it. This kirk affair seems to me a'thegither just like a bees' skep that's cuisten twa or three times. First there was the Anti-Burgher, or Auld Licht, hive tliat cam aff. Syne there was the Seceders, or U.P.'s, as ye ca' them. Then there was the Free hive. An' noo, because it's no like to cast ony mair, they wad fain hae us to start and smeek the auld skep — a gey ungratefu' like piece o' wark." In most districts of Scotland when one in a hotel asks for the "Auld Kirk" he is supplied with whisky. In some places if he asks for the " Church of our Fore- fathers " he is supplied with the same beverage. The origin of the term, "Auld Kirk," as applied to what is described as the " National beverage," has been told to me as follows : — A minister who had gone to preach for another at communion time, after performing his duty, visited his brother's cupboard in search of some spirituous refreshment. The first bottle he came to contained beer, which he described as "a gutsfu', but naethin' in't — English Kirk ; " the next was brandy, " hot and fierj- — Free Kirk ; " the next turned out to be ginger cordial, " fushionless stuff — U.P. ; " and then he got hold of whlskv, " the richt stuff--the real Auld Kirk." CHAPTER X. FOR OIEF.N AND C OUNTRV, THE expression, " Caledonia, stern and wild,"' is verv apt. The sternness has been seen in the Solemn League and Covenant, in Sabbath observance, and in the Disruption of 1843. The wildness has been seen on many a battlefield in every quarter of the i^lobe. Lord Byron refers to it in his description of Waterloo : — And wild and high the " Camerons' Gathering " rose. . . . the fierce native daring which instils The stirring memory of a thousand years. Sir Walter Scott dealinj^' with the same subject uses a similar expression. In Ossian it occurs over and over ai^ain. Stern and wild applies to country, people, and music as much to-day as it did a hundred years ago. The qualities which Napoleon admind in the Scots at Waterloo in 1815 were displayed at Dargai and Atbara in 1898. The Scots being a warlike race it followed that the Volunteer movement should be popular. I sent a note to officers in high positions in all the Scottish battalions asking to be put on the tr.ick of some humorous incidents in connection with the earlv days of the movement, but I did not get a single reply. 1 did not expect many, know- ing well that Voluntier officers are susceptible to chaff. We ail know tin- story of the urchin who laughed im- moderatelv at the mounted \'oIunteer officer. The officer turned on him with tin- wratiiful remark, " Boy, what are you laughing at ; did you never see a war horse?" The urcliin responded, " Oo, aye, I hae seen a waur horse mon\' a time, but I ne\er saw a waiu" rider I " 62 SCOTTISH LIFP: AND HUMOUR. Some good stories are told in " Crieff: Its Traditions and Ciiaracters," not only regarding^ the 1859, but pre- vious movements. It may be noted that the first reg;ular organisation took place in 1794, when a French invasion seemed imminent. When war was renewed in 1803 the Military Service Bill was passed, providing for the enrol- ment of all able-bodied men as Volunteers. In 1805, including those raised in Ireland, there were more than 400,000 Volunteers, such as they were. In 1870 an Act was passed transferring the immediate authority over the Volunteers from the Lord-Lieutenants to the Crown. Geordie Gardiner was a member of Trowan's com- pany, Crieff, which was composed chiefly of country lads. They used to squat down on the grass as soon as they entered the park, and no bugle call could bring them to their feet till Geordie would get into a frenzy, running about like a drover at Falkirk Tryst, shouting to the recumbent red-coats, " Rise and dress up there, or I'll tak' ve a crack wi' a stane ! " A lad who got his living by tiie manufacture of horn spoons applied for admission into what was known as the Daft Company in Crieff. Lord John addressed the Company, and asked " if they would be willing to serve along with the lad who was a tinker." (iill Jock replied, " Ou, aye, sir, tak' him by a' means. We get the name o' the Daft Company ony way, and then there'll be naething but daft folk and tinklers in't." Poor Lord John, feeling himselt", as it were, " rebuked and put down," merely added — " (^h, Til inform the young man that he'll not be accepted of." An extraordinary description is given of the visit of the Irish Volunteers to Stirling. A farmer rode in at top- gallop, saying so many French Yahoos were marching towards tlie burgh. It turned out all right. The follow- FOR OUEKX AND COUXTRV. 63 iiig' description is ij;"ivpn of our countrymen across the Channel as they appeared on parade : — There was scarcely an entire dress in the whole battalion. Tliere were a number of old rei^imental coats minus the skirts. These appendages being considered unnecessary, were doing duty as patchwork on the corduroy breeches, the body and sleeves being worn in the way of a spenser ; while some old blue vests had the sleeves of old red coats lacked to the armholes with pack thread. Amongst so many scarecrows there was one whom the Crieff men seemed to regard as a sort of Beau BrumniL-l in his wa}'. This exquisite was distinguished from the ragged warriors around from having a complete suit, nothing wanting. On his head was the smart foraging cap, with a coat of the composite order — half civil, half military — one half being red, showing two stripes on the arm, the corresponding side being of grey frieze, the two sides connected by a seam up the centre of the back ; while the end of the red skirt was supplemented with a piece of blue to make it of uniform length w ilh tlie opposite side. There was also a fair quantity of straw rope doing duty as garters. Some had shoes and same had none ; but, whatever else they wanted, they all had hats. Some sported old battered shakos, others had cast-off \'an- dykes, some minus the rim. Their ouliv appearance formed the subject of comment amongst the members of the Volunteer force for many years after. In the 1859 movement the instructors, old soldiers, had naturally some dilTiculty with officers and men. It was not easy for the civilians to understand the necessity of military discipline. A story I have heard frequently localised is told of a Haddington tinsmith, Harry Gal- braith, who, when checked for inability to perform some military evolution, replied in a tone of disgust — " Every 64 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. man to his trade, Captain Kinloch. Can ye mak' a caffee-pat ? " The Tranent Volunteers, a very good company, con- sisting ahnost entirely of miners, were being- drilled, a good many years after 1859, by Adjutant Ross, afterwards colonel of the Royal Scots. The order was new to them, "Stand at ease. Stand easy." They stood easy, as miners do, by settling on their hunkers. I hope the expression is not too vague. The expression used by the adjutant was not. It is told of the same company that on one occasion, at a big^ affair in Amisfield Park, they were told to "ground arms." Tiiis was done by every man. Afterwards, when the order was given, " Take up arms," one member had to be prompted, and this was how it was done : " Hi, Johnnie, man, lift yir cannon." This reminds me of another from the same company. It was during refreshment time after a big sham fig^ht. " Hi, man," says one, "a' lost the skin o' ma baagnet comin' through that wud." " Man, that's naethin'," exclaims a comrade, "a' lost the lid o' ma cannon." The worthies were deploring the loss of a scabbard and a sight protector. I am not sure whether he was a member of Tranent company or not that was travelling- one night by rail from Edinburgh when an old gentlen-ian searched his pockets, grew xery hdgetty, and said it was a most extraordinary thing that he should lose his railway ticket. Our hero calmly replied, " Lose a bit ticket I That's naethin'. A' lost the big- drum." In one of the Haddington companies there was a mem- ber named Porteous, who was not a crack shot, but it was understood that his bullets all went to the same place, which came to be knov.n as Porteous's hole. Whenever a Volunteer missed the target and asked, FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY. 65 " I wunncr whiiur'Il tlial anc liar g-ane," the reply was, " It'll be in Porteous's iiole." It does not pay crack shots to bounce too much, how- ever. A squad of the 8th (Crieff) Volunteers, firins^ at Bennybeg Range, happened to hit a horse that was standing near — probably with a splinter from a bullet after it had struck the target. A short time afterwards the excellences of the "gallant eighth" were being ex- tolled in presence of a well-known Breadalbane High- lander named Duncan. Becoming exasperated, he I'xclaimed, " Tamn you and yer gallants and eights and things, the first ina)i ye shot was a horse ! " A private of the 7th V. B.R.S., of extreme weight, took part in a forced march from Stow to Dingleton Common, and, it being a very hot day, had to succumb. The doctor asked him if he knew his weight, and the answer gasped out was, " A' no' ken, but I was auchteen stane when 1 left Longniddry." At some Volunteer manevuvres in the south of Scotland a young sergeant in charge of a squad was asked by a private, " Where are we to go now?" " Dae \e no see that beer barrel below the trees ? Left turn. Quick march." It was a conlmi^sic)ned offict'r who, having to lead iiis company through a narrow gap in a hedge, gave the order, "Halt, disperse, form on other side of hedge." Adjutant (iordon, Haddinglon, once startled his com- pany with the command, " Wiun the bugle fncs begin to sound." He was a Highland sergeant who told the men in camp " If she'll be lindln' |)ollles here and potties there, and if slu'"!! tind no more whatever the innocent will pe pimisiied as well as liiose that's not guiitw" The Va\\\ of W'ennss, whose connection with the V 66 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. London Scottish entitles him to the veneration of the nation, has always allowed the East Lothian Volunteers the use of Amisfield Park close to Haddington, and many quaint incidents in connection therewith are recorded in the memories of veterans. On one occasion a sham fight was going on and two men were supposed to have been shot. One of them, however, got up and fired off a blank cartridge, when the other, a joiner, pulled him down exclaiming^ " Dae 3'e no ken yir a casualty.''' Colonel Ross of the Royal Scots, while adjutant of the Haddingtonshire \'olunteers, allowed full sway to his Hibernian humour and impulsiveness. On one occasion he took in hand the "sizing" of a company, and after stating the book instructions that the tallest man was to be placed on the right and tlie smallest on the left, shouted " Six feet two, three paces to the front." There was no response. " Six feet one," etc. One stepped forward. And so on down to five feet four, when one man was left. " Five fut," shouted the adjutant, and little J responded to the order amid laughter which was not easily suppressed. Major Ross, as his rank was at the time, while explaining an intricate movement to the battalion was annoyed by the pipers tuning up. He stopped short, wheeled his horse, and, galloping up through a large crowd which included many ladies, let off a volley of language at the pipers and their pipes which made the air smell of sulphur. Old Sergeant Law of the Haddington company had a hunchback, no chest to speak of, and a head which reached far forward. When drilling he used to ask the members of the company to ".Stand straight, head up, just like wf." The same old sergeant was a good shot, and on one occasion when putting on bull's ej'es in succession was asked by a man of position, who was a FOR QUEEN A\D COUXTRY. 67 member of the comp;iny, how lie managed to score so well. The reply was, " Oh, I juist shut ma een and pu' the tricker ! " A good story of practice at "the butts " is told of a Volunteer who was observed to lower his rifle frequently and blow something from about the foresight. Asked by a comrade what was wrong, he said there was a blasted fly that persisted in landing on the barrel whenever he took aim. Tiie comrade took the rifle and lay down, when he discovered that the mysterious Hy was none other than old Campbell, the rangekeeper, painting out bullet marks in front of the target. The old man had no idea how near he was to a future state. It was a red-letter day in the annals of the Haddington Volunteers when the Marquis of Tweeddale invited them to have a sham fight in the neighbourhood of Goblin Ha', famed through " .Marmion." The commander, a burly citizen who had attained to high honours in the birthplace of John Knox, placed himself in front of his company and addressed them in martial strains. " When the bugle sounds the charge," he concluded, " follow me, my brave men." The bugle sounded, the charge was made — for about thirty yards, when the gallant leader, looking back to see how his men were advancing, fell into a ditch. The rank and file pursued tlu'ir wild career, but two kind-hearted sergeants remained by their dis- comfited leader. "Oh, captain, I hope you are not mortally wounded," said one. " .My breeks are wounded," said the officer on being |Hilled out of the ditch. " Duncan, hae ye a needle and thread ? '' Duncan, who was a tailor, had the necessaries ; at any rate the un- mentionables were patched up in some way, and the officer was sympathised with in being so unfortunate as to get wounded in the back, thereby suggesting that he had been disgracefully lleeing from ih.e enemy. 68 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. The old soldier has died out since the short service system came into vogue, but he was at one time a prominent personage in country districts. One of the earliest stories I remember is of a veteran who touched his hat whenever he spoke to anybody. Some one checked him for this, remarking- that he was a very poor man and unworthy of such honour. The reply of the old warrior was, "Am I to spoil my good manners for your d poverty ? " The old warriors were not always well educated. They lived before the days of .School Boards. A veteran in the Crieff district, Jolm M'Ni\en, was one of the advance companies, or forlorn hope, which entered Washington, of which only eleven survived to tell of their daring. When asked by one of his neighbours how he felt when marching- to the town he answered, " I dinna ken ; I was just there." John was religious and n^ad his Bible on Sundays, spelling the difficult words, and giving- pronunciations unknown in English dictionaries. He had several parts of a work entitled, " The Life of Christ," and one of his lodgers had some parts of a work entitled, " The Scottish Chiefs," and both publications had similar covers. One .Sunday his lodgers and a neighbour were talking of things worldly to such a degree that John thought fit to challenge their proceedings, and told them it would be wiser were they reading their Bibles, and if they would not do so he would read it himself. He took "The Scottish Chiefs," and commenced reading and spelling at a deter- mined rate. After a little he got bewildered with an adventure connected with Wallace. His hearers could scarcely keep their gravity, but one ventured to ask who this Wallace was. He replied, " Ve micht ken that brawiv, wi' ver education. He was or.e i' (of the) FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY. 69 apostles." Jolin once offered to put up a dyke "at a penny below the lowest offer." On another occasion the laird sent a servant askint^ John to make an offer. John, not being a ready writer, asked the servant to write out the offer. This the servant refused. " Well," said John, "just tell the laird that I'll put the dyke up for what he likes. ^' When Tani Black, another Crieff worth}', went to the Hii^hlands to buy yarn he always was attired in full ref^jimentals, and if any one asked the reason the ready reply was, " Oh, a person's mone}' is alwavs safe under a red coat. No one would ever think of robbing a soldier." Old Andrew Creach, Bower (I knew him well when in my }outh), was most unscrupulous in his dealings with those he did not like. He was very ready-witted. In a Thurso tavern he got into a discussion with a blacksmith about sweating, and the son of \'ulcan, ha\ing got the worst of the argument said, " Andrew, come down to the back of the chapel and I'll put your soul out o' your body in live minutes." "At leisure, at leisure," said Andrew, " they're no so easy putten thegither again." CHAPTER XI. BAILIES AND BODIES. OH ! the Provosts and Bailies, specially the bailies. Professor Masson describes theni when the century was very young- as meeting in the morning at their " deid-chack " after a man was hang-ed. Times changed. They could not according to law hang a man every morning. But the lintie micht dee or the cat micht hae kittens, and some o' tliem wad be drooned, an' why no hae a " deid-chack ? " Aye, why for no ? Many a happy morning have the Scots bailies had over their pint of porter and a bap ; and if the custom is now gone out it is chiefly because the modern manner of conducting business does not allow of miscellaneous forenoon con- viviality. In some quaint royal and ancient burghs we believe that even yet a bailie might be found ready for a " chack '" in the forenoon, certainly at high twelve. The bailies have usually been more distinguished for shrewd common sense than for education, and they seldom forget the dignity of their position. It was a Berwick bailie who, when asked by a lady, " My good man, can ve tell me the road, etc.," replied, " I'm not a ■good man. I'm a bailie." A Glasgow bailie gave a supper on his promotion, and when his health was drunk he said in the course of reply, " I canna but say I'm kind o' entitled to tiic honour, for I've gone througii a' the various stages o' degradation to reach it." A Stirling worthy, on making a motion for the erection of street urinals, said he thought no one could object to BAILIKS AND BODIES. 71 spending' a few pounds on such useful things as " cata- combs." In an East Lothian town there had been quite a crowd of theatricals, concerts, suppers, etc. A bailie of the burgh, anxious to make himself agreeable to the young" ladies in the bar parlour of the principal hotel, said they must have had an awfu' week o' prostitution. A worthy bailie went to Jedburgh games with a con- genial spirit and both got very drunk. The magistrate got safely home, but his companion got into a dispute with a neighbour, a fight ensued, and he was locked up. Next morning he came before the bailie, his boon com- panion of the previous night. " Well, Robert," said the magistrate, " are you guilty ? " " Weel, Bailie, the fact is, I was the waur o' drink." "That makes it a' the waur," said the magistrate, severely ; "I fine ye 5s, or three days." Then, seeing the prisoner was about to speak, and fearing inconvenient revelations, he added in a low voice, " Ell pay the half mysel' ! " An East Lothian bailie, mucli given to malaproplsms, said there was an awful lot of folk who would strain at i\ ffant and swallow ixjlcy (Hawick for fiea). Some friend suggested a camel, and the worthy bailie a iaw nights afterwards trotted out his proverb amended to the effect that some wad swallow a ganl and stiain at an elephant. A Glasgow magistrate had a case of serious assault before him, and passed sentence, " Eor this malicious crime you are fined half a guinea." Tiie assessor re- marked that the case had not been proven. " Then," continued the magistrate, " we'll make it five slfiUings." The bailie was usually a shopket'per or merchant. The British public, the ratepayers and the working men were the gods tiiat he worsiupped — in public, and they witiioul anv diftlcultv decided whetlu'r he was anvthing 72 SCOTTISH LIFK AND HUMOUR. more than a " bodie." Mr. James Inglis tells such a good story about a " bodie," to whom he gives the name of " Davit Elshender," that I cannot forbear quoting it in full : — Davit was a voluble, plausible, unreliable little humbug. He was greedy, mean and unscrupulous in little things, and tried to assume a jaunty air of sociability, which, however, was quite foreign to his real nature and sat ill upon him. His wife Meg, a great, gaunt, hollow- cheeked woman, with iron-grey corkscrew ringlets and projecting buck teeth, was a fit consort for the tallow- faced Davit, who, doubtless, must have been a victim to dyspepsia. He was too mean to drink at his own ex- pense, but his nose always had a fiery tip to it. His favourite attitude was to stand behind his counter with his two broad tliumbs pressed thereon, fingers expanded, black linen apron tucked up in his belt, and there, with a black velvet skull-cap covering his bald " pow," he would expatiate in the most voluble way to any chance customer who might be in the shop, and dogmatically assert himself on every subject that came uppermost, be It philosophy, religion, politics, the price of " herrin'," or the treatment of infantile ailments. It did not matter to Davit what topic came uppermost, he was competent to give a dogmatic opinion on anything "in the heavens above, the earth beneath, or the waters under the earth." He met his match one day, however, and it fell out this way. The tinkle of the little bell behind the door sum- moned him from the back shop one morning, and he at once assumed his favourite attitude with thumb and fingers extended on the counter, and welcomed the in- truder thus : " Ay, ay ! and so that's you yersel', Mistress Paitterson ? Losli, but it's a lang time sin' I've seen ye. Ay, av ! and fat's brocht ye sae far doon the village th' dav. Mistress Paitterson ? " For Davit well knew that BAILIES AND BODIES. 73 lie was no great favourite with llie quiet, demure farmers wife whom he was now accosting, and that she generally bestowed her patronage on one of his rivals farther up the street. Tlie woman he addressed was a quiet, decent, tid)' body, with neat black mitts on her hands, a well- fitting but much-worn beaded cloak over her simple gown, and a frayed, rust}' silk bonnet on her head, which bore evident marks of having been turned many a time during the twenty years or so that it had been in wear. Mistress Pailterson was the wife of a small farmer " owre the waiter,'' and was a successful breeder of poultry and purveyor of eggs, as Davit well knew. As a matter of fact she was accustomed to sell her eggs to another of the storekeepers ; but this week she had come rather late to market and found that lier usual purchaser hatl bought all he required. So in a very quiet, gentle way she told Davit that she had brought some eggs to sell. Davit at once started off at scor(>. " Ay, ay, an' so ye've brocht yer eggs, have ye? Well, I will say this. Mistress I'aitterson, that ye've aye the bonniest an' biggest eggs in a' the pairis' ; but ye see there's a michty swash o' eggs comin' into the market i' the noo, an' the fac' is, I'll no be able tae gie ye mair nor tenpence a dizzen, an' I'm sure they're well worth mair. ' Then, seeing a slight shade coming over the quiet little woman's countenance, but having pretty well guessed the circumstances which led her to proffer ///;// her wares — knowing in fact that she was not likel}- to lind a buyer elsewhere — and, wishing to snap U[) a bargain, he bolstered uj) his position with a totally unnecessary lie, saying: " Ve see, Mistress l^iitter- son, the supply is greater than the demand th' noo, for we canna even sell eggs in Brechin ; and so the mairchants hae haen a Conference," — lingering over this word with gnat unction,— " and we've a' agreed 74 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. that we ranna gie niair than tenpence a dizzen for eg"g.s th' noo.'' The good woman knew just enough of the circumstances of the local market to accept this rather plausible deliverance ; and as her basket was heavy and the day was hot, she made up her mind to accept the offer, which as it happened was much under the real value of the eggs. So, with a sigh, she handed over the heavy market-basket, with its clean, white cover, and Davit, with a smirk of satisfaction in his beady little porcine eyes, took the eg'gs into the back shop, came back and handed her the ten shillings for twelve dozen. After an immaterial little purchase, the g'ood lady took her departure, while Davit communicated to Meg' that " he had jist got some g'raund egg's frae Mistress Paitter- son at a considerable reduction on the rael market-price." Now the little woman had not gone far before she met a neig'hbour, and on an exchange of notes she discovered that Davit had got the better of her, and that the other " mairchants " in fact were paying' the usual price. By and by she came back to Davit's shop, but with quite an unmoved countenance and the same self-restrained, quiet manner, she made another little purchase, and asked Davit if he would be prepared to take the same quantity of eggs next week. Davit's heart leaped within him, as he told her with much effusiveness he would be a regular buyer for all she could bring ; and again lamenting that the "conference of the mairchants" prevented him from giving a higher price for "sic bonnie eggs," which indeed were the best in "a' the pairis'," he bade her good-day, and the little wonian departed. Now she had made up her mind to be "even with Davit ; " so during the week she collected all the pigeon and bantam eggs, and the smallest eggs from young pullets, that she could la}' her hands on ; and BAILIES AM) BODIES. 75 having' carefulh' packed tlieni in swet't-scented liay, and covered tlie basket carefully over with the snowy cloth, she ag'ain sallied forth to take her satisfaction out of him. No sooner had she entered the shop than she was greeted with the same volubility, and having in her quiet way parried th<^ eager questionings of the red-nosed grocer, she said : " I suppose je're nae gie'in ony mair for the egg's this week, Mr Elshender?" "Weel, ye see, Mistress Paitterson, I hae tae abide by the deceesion o' the Con- ference, altlTo' I'm no sayin' but wiiat yer eggs raelly deserve a shillin' a dizzen at the vera least, but I canna gie ye mair than the tenpence." " Aweel," says she, with a sigh, " I suppose I maun jist be daein' wi' what I can g'et in the meantime." And then in an off-handed sort of way, she said, "There's jist twal' dizzen, Mr Elsliender. That'll be ten shillin's ; an' as I want tae gang doon the village a billy, ye can pay me i' the noo, an' I'll leave the auld creel wi' ye, and ye can coont the eggs at yer leisure." Davil, inwardly congratulating' himself on another bargain, and never suspecting any trick, handed her the money, and she went her way. Vou can imagine the consternation of the thwarted rogue when he discovered the trick that had been played upon him. He fumed and raged and snorted, and poinded the vials of his wrath upon his luckless shop-boy, even venturing to say some sharp things to "lantern-jawed" Meg, his wife ; but that was too dangerous a course to pursue at any great length, and so, fuming and fretting, he watched for the reappearance of " Mistress Paitter- son." That decent, quiet body, still with a demure look and unmoved countenance, at length made her appear- ance. At once Davit opened out in indignant protestation. " What sort o' a trick is this ye've played on me, Mistress^ Paitterson ? Thae's only doos' and bantams' eggs ye've 76 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. brocht me this week. Losh bless me, egi^s like thae's no worth saxpence a dizzen ! Ye sliarely caniVa be meanin' tae tak' j^-uid siller for e.^tfs like thae ? " To this outburst the sly little woman quietly responded : "Fat's the maitter wi' the cg'g^s, Maister Elshender ? The eg-gs are a' riclit." "Toots, haivers, wumman!" snorted the enraged shopkeeper; " Tm tellin' ye thae's naethin' but doos' eggs." A gleam of suppressed glee sparkled in the eyes of the quiet, self-contained, little woman, as, slowly taking up her basket and cloth, she dropped a semi-curtsey and said : " Wed, ye see, Maister Elshender, the fac' is that oor hens hae haen their con- ference i' the back yaird ; and they jist made up their minds that it wisna worth their while tae rax themsel's for eggs at tenpence a dizzen." What Davit said when Mistress Paitterson retired had better be left unrecorded. The bailies ha\e always been " burghotic," if I may be allowed to coin a word. They uphold the supremacy of their own towns in matters of cleaning — nowhere can be found a more efficient Sanitar\', or, as it is sometimes irreverently dubbed, "Muck" Committee; nowhere are the streets better causewayed ; nowhere is there a purer supply of water ; and, most important of all, in proportion to the benefits, nowhere are the rates so low. The local jealousies whicii were rife before the advent of railways ha\e been toned down through inter-communication. I do not know if the incessant babble of the Convention of Burghs has had any etfect. True it is that Edinburgh and Glasgow used to sneer at one another, the people of the west disparaging Princes Street as having only one side. The people of Montrose looked with suspicion and distrust on Brechin, andvice versa. Mr. Inglis writes : — The Montrosians were named " (iable-Enders," as many of tiieir houses bordering the broad and picturesque BAILlIiS AND BODIES. -J-] niarl^ct-pL'ice wcrf built willi their gables facing' the open street. The Brechiners were generally designated by • their detractors, from a fine scorn of their main industry, — the handloom linen-weaving, — "the Creeshie VVyvers o' Brechin." Gross imputations on their honesty were often made. It was said that when the "creeshie wyvers " went out for a holiday the goodwives in country parts, on hearing that a Brechin contingent was afoot, would run hastily to the hedge-rows and clotlies-llnes to take in the famih' washing, with the warning cry: "Talc* in yer sarks, guidwives, for here comes the Brechiners." In a mixed company, on one occasion where the majority happened to be worthy burghers of the much-maligned city of linen weavers, a rather vehement expression of this popular aspersion had been made by one of the com- pany. An Indignant remonstrance had at once been made by the Brechiners present, one of whom, with clenched fist and an angry glare In his eye, had asked the offender : " Do you mean, sir, to sa\' that there are nae honest men In Brechin ? " apparently with a view to an ultimate resort to a more forcible style of argument. The Montrose man looked over his opponent, and tiien, with true Scottish doggedness and caution, responded : " Wee!, sir, I'll no be sayin' that there's nae lionest men in Breehin ; lail I will say this, sir, that its michty far atween their doors." Rather a good stor\ is told of Arbroath Town Council. Dundee, the dwellers in which were known as " Tay Watter VVallies," had \^i.n\v In for red-stained glass to be used for danger-signalling, and the Harbour Board had erected, at considerable expense, a line red light at the end of their pier. The provost of Arbroath journeyed to Dundee to see this famous "reed llcht,'' aboot which so much had l)een heard. .M'ler some cogitation the brilliant idea sliauk him that, with the aid of a little 78 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. "reed pent," Arbroath could be as well supplied as Dundee. Mr. Inglis tells how the "toon penter " was called, and away the whole municipal body marched in the gathering gloaming to the wliite-lozenged glass lamp at the end of the breakwater in which the usual oil lamp was even now dimly burning. The provost ordered Sandie Swankie, the boatman, to put out to sea to report, in these words, " Haud aff to the bar, Sandie, an' lat's hear fat ye see ! " " Ay, ay, sir ! " said Sandie as he bent to his oars. " Noo, Tam," said the provost, addressing the painter, " gie the white lozen' a coat o' reed pent." No sooner said than done ; and as the ready brush overlaid the white glass with its ruddy coating, the appreciative councillors stepped back to watch the effect, while the provost hailed the boatman, now rocking on the tumbled waters of the bar. " Fat div ye see, Sandie?" A hoarse nautical bellow came back. "I see a ' reed lichtie,' sir ! " At this the delighted provost turned to Tam, and said, " Od, man ! Gie't anither coat, an' we'll lick the Dundee folk yet." Again Tam applied the brush, but this time with such generous goodwill that the red lead utterly obscured the light altogether, and poor Sandie in his boat nearly got drowned trying to make his way back in the dark, while the "toon cooncillors " barked their shins and grazed their noses stumbling along the breakwater on their obscured way home. Ever since the Arbroathians have, in memory of that attempt at sapient economy, been dubbed "Red Lichties ; " but on the whole they accept the cognomen with rather a good-liunioured tolerance. The rivalry that existed between Perth and Newburgh gave rise to a well known story. A Perth man and a Newburgh man were disputing about the merits of their BAILIES AND BODIES. 79 respective burghs. After reciting many other advantages the Pertli man cHnched his argument with, "Ah, but oor Provost gangs aboot \vi' a chain." " Does he?" drily responded the other. " Aweel, we hit oors gang aboot lowse." I have used the word " Burghotic." At the bottom of it is pride, probably a justifiable pride. The Scot begins with love of country. Breathes there tlie man with soul so dead, Who never to himself hath said " This is my own my native land ; " \\^hose heart hath ne'er within him burn'rl, As home his footsteps he hath turn'd From wandering on a foreign strand. To such an one Sir WaltcM- Scott metfs out punishment condign : — If such there breathe, go, mark him well ; For him no minstrel raptures swell ; High though his titles, proud his name, Boundless his wealth as wish can claim ; Despite those titles, power, and pelf, The wretch concentred all in self, Living shall forfeit fair renown, And, doubly dying, shall go down To the vile dust, from whence he sprung, Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung. Patriotism has justly been recognised as a virtue ; and, curiously enough, the poorer the country the better is it loved. "It is a poor thing, but mine own.'' Scotland stands preeminent in patriotism. All over the world are to be found Scottish societies, bands of brither .Scots help- ing one another. But while ihc; .Scot is proud of his country, and thinks the British Dominions the best in the world, he considers Scotland the best part of these dominions ; and in his search after perfection he narrows the kingdom down to county or clan, then to town or parish, and so on. The story is very hackneyed, and need not be quoted in 8o SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. detail, of the Paisley man who met a strang"er in Edin- burg^li and pointed out the sig^hts, all of which were in some way connected with Paisley. The last sight was the Register House containing the most important docu- ments in Scotland. The auld witie wha keepit it was frae Paisley. An' he was born in Paisley himsel'. I am not to deal with " Keep your eye on Paisley," or the myriad poets of the place, but I wish to tell one storv. Some Paisley "bodies" were having a trip down the Clyde, which happened to be low at the time. One said, " Hoo d'ye like yir sail?" The other replied, " Ca't a sail, it's mair like a hurl I " Not long ago, says " Ian Maclaren," I was travelling from .Aberdeen to Perth. A man sitting opposite studied me for a minute, and then, evidently being convinced that I had an average intelligence and could appreciate a great sight if I saw it, he said, " If you will stand up with me at the window I will show you something in a minute. You will only get a glimpse suddenly and for an instant.'' I stood. He said, "Can you see that ? '* I saw some smoke, and said so. He said, "That is Kirriemuir." I sat down and he sat opposite me and watched my face to see that the fact that I had had a glimpse of Kirriemuir, or rather of its smoke, was one I thoroughly appreciated and would carry in retentive memory for the rest of my life. Then I said, " Mr. Barrie was born there?" "Yes," he said, "he was; and I was born there myself ! " CHAPTER XII. DKAMS. The source o' joy beltnv, 'I'lie antidote to woe, -And the only pi'oper go, Is drinking drams. ^ O san<^ Georg-e Outram, and .so believes many a v^ Scot at home and abroad. The barley bree is peculiarly national, and is responsible for an extra- ordinary amount of wit and humour. Of course there are the tragic and the pathetic sides. But, as is related elsewhere, " .\ Uirk withoot a hell's just no worth a d docken." If there had been less harm there would have been less fini in wliisky. When could lemonade make a man " (ilorious, o'er a' the ills o' life \ictorious ! " What a pathetic little scene is that of Hawkie, the well-known (ilasgow "character," as he himself de- scribes it. "Wearied out I lay down at the roadside to rest me, aiV a' the kiddies were sayini;- as they passed, ' Hawkie's drunk,' an' vext was I that it wasn.i true." "Was ye ever drunk, sir," inc|uirccl a rcrtli^hire blacksmith of the l-'rce t'lunch minister who was remon- strating with him for excessive indulgence. " No, Donald," .said the minister, " I am glad to "-ax I never was." "I thocht as muckle," said the smith; "for, man, if ye was ance richt drunk, ye wad never like to be sober a' yoiu- days again." A Perthshire village tradesman got on the "batter" and did not return home until after the lapse of several days. His wife met him in the door with the question (; 82 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. " VVhaui- hae vl- been a' this time ? " " Perth," was the sententious reply. "Perth!" echoed the wife. "An' what was ye doin' sae lant;- in Pertli ? Nae mortal man could be doin' i^ude stayin' in Perth for three hale days on end." " Awa ! an' no haiver, woman," was the dry reply, " plenty o' fouk stay a' their days in Perth an' do brawly." "There's death in the cup!" exclaimed a violent teetotal lecturer as he rushed up to where an old farmer was carefully toning his dram with water from a huge decanter. More of the ptira had flowed forth than was intended, and eyeing his glass critically, " Hech an' I tliink ye're richt, freend," was the response, "for Fve drooii'd the miller y Here is a peculiar form of " drunk." The grandfather of the author of " Oor Ain Folk" sent his man Donald to dispose of a skep of bees at Edzell market. The seductions of the fair, etc., were too much for Donald, who arrived home nearly " blin' fou " and could only give a long, rambling rigmarole of the most imaginative character about the lost siller. .Seeing clearly, however, what had happened, the old minister in great irritation cut him short with the tbilowing outburst of broadest vernacular: "Hoots! ye leein' sumph, ye've drucken the haill hypothec ; I can hear the vera bees bizzen i' yer wame ! " Johnnie Baxter, of Montrose, was ordered by the doctor to give his wife some whisky. .Shortly afterwards the doctor called again, and, being rather dubious of Johnnie's moral rectitude wIkmi whisky was in question, asked him point blank, " Weel, Johnnie, did ye get yer wife the stimulant I ordered ? " " Ou ay," said Johnnie with a hiccough, " I got tlie steemulant." " Ay, but did ye administer it ? " said thi^ doctor. Then Johnnie, with DRAMS. 83 a fine outl)urst of drunken candour, said : " Weel, as fac's deith, doctor, 1 i^ot the whusky for her, but ye see ye tell't me slie couldna last till mornin', and that naeljiin' would dae her ony guid, so I jlst thocht it's a peety tae waste guid whusky, and so, doctor" (this with a sigh), "I jist took the drappie niascF ; " but he hastened to iidd, seeing- a look of strong disgust on tlie doctors face, " I gied her the hooch o't." For the pure "peat reek" one must go away to the lar north. There whisky was a " mercy," something sent by an all-wise Providence to comfort the sons of men in all iheir troubles. Old Andrew Creach, of Caith- ness, was the reverse of a bigoted teetotaler. A shepherd accused him of being drunk, and quoted .Scripture to the effect that no drunkard should inherit the Kingdom of (iod, Andrew retorted, " Ye know notiiing about it, shir ; what does the Scripture say ? ' Whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.' That's the Gospel call, and 1 tell ve, shir, I hope I'll go singing fu' ower Jordan." A hard-working weaver had a less .Scriptural t'x- planation. Recognising that the onl\- social relaxation he could possibly enjoy was when he met his cronies to interchange ideas over a tumbler of toddy, on b(>Ing reproached by his good minister for ha\ing allowed himself to be overcome by the seductions of the potent national spirit, he said, as th(> minister expressed his astonishment tliat he would allow his lo\-e for wliiskv to overcome- the better part of iiis nature : " Ah, meenister, it's no the whisky, it's the ' here's t')-e ' that dis a' the mischief." There is an old story of one man coming in to a imblic- house and asking for a glass of whisky because Ik; was hot, another asking for one because he was cold, and a third because he lilted ii. 84 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. Burns wrote, " Freedom and whisky gang' thegither. " I know that deceit is a constant companion of whisky. A young- countryman went a considerable distance to pay a visit to iiis uncle and aunt and cousins, who were reputed a family of strict teetotalers. During' his first meal at his kinsman's table the young man commented on the absence of spirituous liquors. " We're a' temper- ance folk here, ye ken," interrupted the old man. " No spirituous liquors are allowed to enter this house." .\fter dinner the old man went upstairs to take his customary " forty winks," the g^irls started off to Sunday School, and the boys lounged away to smoke in the stable. As soon as Aunt Betty found herself alone in the kitchen she put her initial finger to her lips, to enjoin silence on the part of her youthful nephew, and going to a dark nook in the pantry she drew therefrom a little black bottle, and filling a g^lass held it out to him and said, " Here, John, tak' a taste o' that. Our gudeman's sic a strict teetotaler that I daurna let him ken that I keep a wee drap in the hoose — just for medicine. .So dinna mention it." A few minutes later the old man cried from the stairhead, " Are vou there, John ? " The nephew went upstairs, when the head of the house took him to his own bedroom, where he promptly produced a g-allon-jar of whisky from an old portmanteau under the bed, and, pouring out a hearty dram, said — " Teetotalin' doesna prevent me frae keepin' a wee drap o' the 'rale peat reek' in case o' illness or that ; so here, lad, put 3-e that in yer cheek ; but (confidentially) not a word aboot it to your auntie, or the laddies." Strolling out of doors after this second surprise, and entering- the stable, the cousins beckoned their relative into the barn, where, after fumbling among- the straw for a few seconds, they handed him a black bottle, with the encouraging- — "Tak' a sook o' that, cousin^ DRAMS. 85 ye'll lind il"s i^udc ; but, not a word to the old fouks, mind, for twa mair infatuated teetotalt>rs were never born.'' The followinj^ from the Indian Daily News is a very i^ood skit on the celebration of St. Andrew's Day in Calcutta : — 1. It came to pass in the year one thousand eight hundred and four score and one, in the city of Palaces, dwelt certain wise men from a far country beyond the great sea. 2. (In that year tlie ruliTs of the city did tliat which was right in their own eyes). 3. Now these wise men assembled themselves together, and they said one to the other. Go to, let us remember our brethren whom we have left. 4. For, behold, we be in a far country, and it shall come to pass that men shall say to us. Ye be nameless on the earth ; ye have fled from the land of your nativity, because the land of your nativity is poor. 5. This tiling, therefore, we will do ; we will make a great feast, so that the nose of whomsoever smelleth it shall tingle, and we will call to mind the ancient days and the mighty deeds of our fathers. 6. So they appointed a day, and many were gathered together — a mixed nuiltitudr from the Land of Cakes and of Thistles, from the \Vi>sl and iVom the North, and from the Isles of the .Sea. 7. And, behold, a great feast was prepared, and men in while raiment ministered unto tiuni, and a ruler of the feast was appointed, and set in (he midst. 8. And torthwith to each man was given a writing of the good things of the feast, and the writing was in a tongue no man could understand, for the language was the language of the Crapaud, which signifieth In the heathen tongue, a frog. 86 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. 9. And some there were who pretended to know the writhig-, and tlie interpretation thereof; now these were hypocrites ; for they knew but six letters of the writing, and those letters were HAGGIS, and even this much was a great mystery. 10. .And the dishes no man coukl number ; the people ate mightily, as it were the space of one hour. .And no man spake to his neighbour till his inner man was com- forted. 11. And while they ate, behold there drew near three mighty men of valour, clothed in many coloured gar- ments ; and they bore in their arms musical instruments shaped like unto a beast of prey. 12. And they blew mightily upon what seemed the tail thereof, and straightway came there forth shrieks and sounds as if it were the bowlings of the damned. 13. And the hearts of the people were comforted, for this is that wherein their great strength lieth. 14. .\nd wine was brought in vessels, but the children of the North would have none of these ; for they quenched their thirst with the Dew of the Mountain, which is the water of fire. 15. Then spake the wise men of the congregation unto them, and called to mind the ancient days and mighty deeds of their fathers. And the people rejoiced exceed- ingly. 16. Now it came to pass when they had eaten and drunk greatly, even unto the full, that the hinges of their tongues were loosened — yea, even the joints of their knees. 17. And the ruler of the feast fled to his home, and a third part of the multitude followed, and a third part remained, saying, We thirst ; and a third part rose up to play. DRAMS. 87 18. And they played after the fasliion of tlieir country, and their movements resembled the pereg'rhiations of a hen upon a g-u'dle whicli is liot. Yet they seemed to think it pleasant, for they shouted willi joy. 19. Now, as for them that were athirst, behold, their drinkinsjf was steady, but their limbs were not so ; yea, they also sliouted for joy and sang amazing-ly. 20. And they answered one to another, and said that, notwithstanding the crowing of the cock or the dawning of the day, they should still partake of the juice of the barley. So they encouraged one another with these words. 21. Now it came to pass tlial, as they sat, one came and said that he had seen a strange fire in the slv}', but what it was he could not tell. 22. And some said. It is the moon ; and others said, It is the sun ; and some said, Doth the sun rise in the west ? and others said. This is not the west, but llie east ; and some said. Which is it, for we perceive two in the sky. 23. And one said, I see nothing. Now the name of that man was Hlin' Foo. He was the son of Fill Foo, and his mother's name was Hand l""oo ; and his brethren — Bung Foo, Sing Foo, Greet Foo, and Dam Foo — were speechless. 24. Then each man bade liis neighbour farewell, em- bracing and vowing eternal friendship, and some were borne home by men in scanty raiment, and others in carriages which jingled as they went ; and others drove their own chariots home, and saw many strange sights, for they found grass growing and ditches in the midst of the way where they had nut pt'rceived them before. 25. And it came to pass that in tlu' morning many lamented, and took no breakfast that day ; and the men in white raiment brought unto them many cunningly- 88 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. devised drinks, yea, pick-me-ups, for their tongues clove unto the roofs of their mouths, and the spittle on their beard was like unto a small silver coin, even a sixpence. 26. But, when they thought of the previous day, they rejoiced ag-ain, for they said. Our brethren whom we have left will hear of it at the feast of the New Year, and they will remember us and bless us, and our hearts and hands shall be strengthened for our labour here. John and Betty M'Dougal went to a temperance lecture and signed the pledge. On their way home they bought compan\' of gentlemen from eleven to four o'clock niaist davs for the last thirty year, and that's mair than you can sav ! " Stewart Jack, the Meikleour slater, was quaint, but shrewd and witty. A wag met him one day returning from Clunie, and, wi>liing to lake- a " rise" out of him, said, " Cjo home as fast as possible, for liie chaiinian and two directors of the Newtyle Railway Company are wail- ing your return in order to arrange for the slating of the line." Jack quietl}' answered, " Wecl, I cudna tak' that 90 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. job in hand i' the noo, for I've ha'en a meetin' \vi' Maister M'Nicoll, the factor frae Airlie, an' I've ta'en on the slatin' o' the loch o' Clunie ; so, as ye've Httle to dae, 56 can get the other job to keep ye frae stervin'." An Englisliman who made free with Donald Eraser, a character who frequented one of the fashionable water- int^-places in the west of Scotland, met the worthy one day drivint»- a boar. "One of your f^reat relations, I suppose, you have got, Donald," said the Englishman. " Na, na," quietly returned Donald, " nae freend ava ;. juist an acquaintance like yoursel'." The wisdom of fools is entitled to be proverbial. An inmate of an asylum was visited by a relative, who asked if the clock in the room was right. " If it had been a' richt dae ye think it wad been here ? '" was the unexpected reply. A daft laddie accompanied his mother, who was return- ing with provisions, from East Linton to Newbytli. He had apparently a greater defect in his speech than in his. mind, for the request he made was : " Mullah, \ou kelly me and I'll keliy the meal." A foreman ploughman in the same neighbourhood was. supposed to have a bee in his bonnet. His mistress, a maiden lady, had gone to Haddington for provisions, and on returning stuck in a snowdrift. The foreman appeared on the scene, and in reply to the entreaties of his mistress said, " If I pull \v oot ye'll mairry me."' The sequel is not recorded. A curious character, " Daft Willie Smith o' Dornoch," used to haunt Crieff. He was a stickit minister whose head was supposed to have been turned by Greek. What a lot Greek has to account for ! He used to wear a strip of tin, about half an inch broad, folded tightly across his. nose, curled up at both ends like ram's horns. This was. DAFTIES AND (iANGRELS. 91 to prevent his nose from seekintif snuff. His liead \v;is encased in a small net such as twirls used to wear. He wore a suit of coarse blue cloth, the sleeves of the coat reaching midway between tlie elbows and tlie wrists, and the trouser leijs a world too short. In his hand he carried a stout cudgel, and in his eye a dangerous gleam. So writes a veracious correspondent, who adds — " 1 wish some of the superfine summer \isitors could ha\"e seen him. 1 thinic that lie would have rather astonished them ; indeed he rather astonished the natives now and tlien. One day he met Mr Scott, the banker, and fastened on him like a fury. The banker found himself in the hands of a terrible Philistine until some one came along and rescued him." Jenny Garrow described him to the minister as " a wild creater von — a real ettercap o' a bodie. He flees whyles on folk like an evil speerit." I have UK'ntioni'd " Dafi Willie Smith" as a type o sturdy beggar that is now rare. Tlie police look afte.i his class more carefulh tlian they used to. Sometimes the gangrel bodies did not get much sympathy from wealthier fellow mort.ds. A weather-beaten member of the begging fraternity, who had lost a leg and had it replaced by a wooden substitute, stumped his way up to the heights of an Edinburgh tenement ten storeys high. Rapping at a door, which was opened by a brisk, busi- ness-like housewife, the man l:)egan his stereot}ped whine — " If you please, nunii, I hi^t ni\ leg " Hut before another word could be said the siiarp retort came — ■ " Aweel, ye didna lose it here!" .\nd bang went the door in his face. CHAPTER XIV, FAILIN S. I HAVE written little in praise of Scottish Life, not because it is unworthy of praise, but because the romantic, the chivalrous, and the charitable do not lend themselves readily to humorous treatment. The headini^- of this chapter is not selected with any intention of sarcasm. The Scottish failings lean to virtue's side, and we speak of a characteristic of a Scotsman as a failing which in one of another nationality might be considered a virtue. For example, a man is very charitable. Some will speak of that as a failing, because the man might stint himself or dispose of his means where they would not be put to the best use. I do not intend to dwell on this. Scotland being for the most part a poor countr}- her natives have to practice care. Strangers sometimes call it meanness, persimoniousness, and so on. 1 shall leave readers to judge in what category the following story should be placed. Some young men were drinking at a bar in London, and it was noticed that one of the com- pany, a Scot, did not linger over his liquor as the rest did, but drank off his glass as it was supplied. Being asked for the reason, he replied, " I yince got yin skailt." The man surely deserves a prize who, when badly bitten by a dog, said he did not mind ihejlesh, it wad mend, but a' he cared for was his breeks. An old woman in Ayrshire also preferred to take it out of the flesh. When an organ was to be erected in a parish church in Avrshire, this old woman refused to contribute FAILIN'S. g^ because " she wasna j^aun to pay for a machine to praise lier Maker as lan^ as she had a tonj^ue o' her ain." Aberdonians are often spoken of as specially careful in mone_v matters. It is said no Jew can live in the j^ranite city. Fife is also distinj^uished in this respect. A musician with a tin whistle played rit^ht throuii^h Fife without earn- ing' anything'. As he passed the last door he turned towards an old native who sat sunning' himself on a low dyke. " Man," said he, " I havena g'ot a farden iii the hale toon." " Na, I'm no thinking ye wad," replied the Fifer ; " ye see we do a' oor ain whistlin' here." It is recorded that a smart pupil on being' asked to spell Fife said I'^-I-y, and on beiiig asked to spell Aberdeen said F-1-y-e-r. It was not in Fife nor Aberdeen, but not far from either, that a farmer, having' seen his men sitting at the fireside in tiic exenings doing nothing, gave them some books to read. On going back some weeks after he observed the books lying up on a shelf with about an inch of dust on them. He asked if the books had been read, and was told that the nien had not much time. According^ly he took tin- books away, and on his de- parture one of the ploughmen said, " Does the eediot think we will wirk his wark and read his books for the same siller ? " Old W'attie Robertson, agcxl ninetv, had a liferent of a small farm near Turrifl". One day in the Burnt .Smithy he complained about his crops not being' g;ood. The sniith said he should lime the ground. " Na faith," he roared, " I micht dee and lose it." Lime was understood to do gfood to the soil for six or seven years. .\ Lothian baker let his premises on a five years' lease just before there was a prospect of the property rising in value. He complained bitterly, and to a friend who remindi'd him 94 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. that he would reap the benefit at the end of the sliort lease, said, " I micht be gaen afore then." If there is one term applied more than any other to Scotsmen it is " cann}-." In a case whicli came up for hearing recently before the court, a certain witness was called. On the mention of his name a man rose up and said, "He is gone." "Where is he gone!" said the judge. "It is his duty to be here." "My lord," was the cautious reply, " I wouldna care to commit mysel' as to whaur he's gone ; but he's deid." The national characteristic is developed at an early age. " My dear little boy," said a minister in Glasgow to an urchin who was standing looking in at one of the Sabbath school windows, " would you like to join our Sabbath school, and grow up a good man ? " " What sort o' Sunday schule is't — 'Stablished ? " "Yes," said the clergyman, "it is connected with the Established Church. Are you not coming in ? " " Na," replied the boy ; " I tried the 'Stablished Kirk Sunday schule last year, an' I got only twa oranges an' a pock o' sweeties at the Chris'mas tree ; sae I'm gaun to gi'e the Free Kirk a trial this year." Who more canny than the laird who left in his will : — " I leave to ma son Willie tiie twa blackfaced yowes that were lost last week, if they're foun' oot. An' in case they're no' foun' oot, I leave them baith to ma faithful servant Donal'." A ver}- ciiaracteristic example of canniness or pawkiness is that of avoiding a direct answer. A Scotsman usually answers one question by risking another. W'hat the author of " .About (ialloway Folk " says of the soutli- west applies to every part of Scotland : — I asked an old boatman at Halcary if he thought it would rain one day. " Weel, sir, Til no' say but il micht, an' I wouldna wunner FA I LIN'S. 95 if it didna." Ver)' satisfactory this ! A favourite and most exasperating reply to questions is, " I couldna tell." " Is your mother at home, my boy ? " "I couldna tell." Very likely she is at home. " What is the general feel- ing about such and such a question here ? '' "I couldna tell." The phrase has become habitual, and often escapes liie lips mechanically. This is specialh' noticeable when any expression of opinion or personal feeling is sought. It springs from a cautious fear of getting into trouble with one's neighbours ; and so far as such prudence tends to suppress mere idle gossip, it deserves hearty praise. I have often been struck by the extreme care taken to avoid giving an o[)inion about a neighbour. "What do you think of So-and-so?" " Ou, I hae naelhing to say against the man." " But what is your opinion ? Do you think well of him ? " " Ou, I hae nae cause to find faut wi' him." You may carry the cross-examination further, but vou will gain no new information. Some- what akin to this is the common reply one gets to the question, " How are you to-day ? '"' " Weel, sir, I canna complain ! " The proverbial .Scottish trick of meeting- one question wllli anotlier may also be frequently observed. "Are you gaun to the meeting, Tammas ? " " Was ye thinking o' gaun yersel', John ? " " Oh, mi'/ I wisna parteekler." I should infer from such a dialogue that both men were quite decided to go. A people living in the midst of dangers and dilliculties acquire the habit of being happy under any circumstances. "There's anither row up at the .Soulars' (Perth)," said \\'inie W'ilson, as he shook the rain from his plaid and took his accustomed seat by the inn parlour lire. " I heard them at it as I cam' by just noo." " Ay, ay ; there's aye some fun gaun' on at the Soutars'," said another of the company with a laugh. " Fun ? I shouldn't think 96 SCOTTISH LIFE AXD HUMOUR. there's much fun \w those disg^racel'iil family disturb- ances," said the schoolmaster. " Avveel, it's no' so vera bad, after a'," said the other, who had his share of matri- monial strife. " Ve see, when the wife gets in her tantrums she aye throws a plate or a brush, or may be twa or three, at Sandy's head. Gin she hits him slices gled, and gin she misses him he's gled ; so, ye see, there's aye some pleasure to ae side or the ither." The people I have described must also be ready for an\' emergency. Professor Blackie was asked to procure a teacher for a Highland parish school, and had received numerous applications — amongst others, one from a student in his own class, named Macfadyen. He called the young man up, and said, " Dugald, the teacher must be married. Are you married ? " " No," was the reply - "but I know a goot, godly wumman in ta Hielants, who iss bose willing ant able." That settled it. "Ready, aye ready" is a good and characteristic Scottish motto. Dr Pryde tells of two applications he had for a janitor. One made the following' admission, " I am a married man, but a christian ; " and at the foot of his letter put, "P.S. — Strick T.T." Another, a woman, wrote in favour of her husband, saying' that he was specially well fitted to be a janitor in a school, " be- cause he had a sister who was married to a gentleman whose father had been a teacher." There is no use in getting excited. A Highland tarmer's son set out with a flock of sheep for Falkirk Tryst, and, as was customary, with the assistance of a good collie, the numbers increased by the way. The result was that his journe}' came to a premature end and he was hanged at Crieff for sheepstealing. Meanwhile his father was waiting for his return. At the end of several weeks he met a neighbour farmer who had been FA I LIN S. 97 at the tryst. After exhausting' all the ordinary topics of conversation, they were about to separate, when the father said, " Oh, py the p}-, ye wur doon at Falkirk ; did ye see oor Shochan ? '' "Oh, yes, py the py," said the other ; " I saw him on the gallows at Crieff." "Ah," said the father in the most matter-of-fact tone, " for sheeps, Fse warrant. I always thocht it wad be sheeps." Mention has been made of tlie Scottish habit of answer- ing one question by asking another, but we often come across examples of very plain and ready retorts which are sometimes described as blunt. The treatment of the Scots in earl}' days by their marauding neighbours made them rough and read}', and the characteristic has remained. The day after an exceptionally high gale of wind 1 nut Mr. Irving, farmer, .Amisfield Mains, Haddington, who is somewhat deaf I asked him if the wind was very high up in his quarter last niglit. *' So my daughter-in-law told me this nnjrning, and asked me If I heard it. I said ' No, I wish to God I had.' " The Rev. Hamilton Paul was entertaining a dinner party. He said grace in a low voice, and nnmediately began to eat. One of the guests, who was somewhat deaf, cried out, "Mr Paul ! Vou ha\e not said grace." " I did." " But I didn't luar you.' " I was nut speak- ing to you." The .Scot from the country bilit\'es that pi^ople in the big towns take a special delight in "making fun of" him. A Haddingtonian in London was offered salad, which he declined because he " wasna a coo." Willie Lawson, from the uplands of Milngavie, paid a visit to Glasgow lately, and with his best girl went to the theatre. " Gie's twa o' yer best seats, mister." "Yes, sir. Would ^•ou like the pit ? "' " No a' wadna ; I'm no 11 98 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. a collier." "Well, just go into the stalls." "What! d'ye think we're horses ? Nane o' yer aFf-takIn', mister. We want twa sofa seats." A Cowdenbeath miner went to Glasg'ow to see the siii^hts, and on his return told his chum how " there was iui awfu' lot o' folk in the streets. I saw some auld ramshackle bodies wi' boards afore an' ahint them telling' that a grand oratorio wis to be seen. I wis aye fond o' beasts, so I asked yin o' them whaur the oratorio wis to be seen. He pointed wi' his thoomb ower to a place he ca'd the City Hall. I gaed ower and had to pay three shillings to get in. There wis a lot o' folk, and at the far end o' the room they were sittin' on stairs ahint a big table. I wis waiting for the beasts when a wee chappie wi' a white choker and a claw-hammer tail coat cam oot, bobbit his head and said, ' I am the King of A loon, or halBin, as In some districts, \vas asked by his master to search for a calf, and came back empty, sayinji^ he had searched every place " whaur it was likely a cavvf wad be." " Then si-arch every place where it's no likely a cawf wad be," said the irate farmer. Shortly afterwards the master found the lad prohins^ under the edi^e-walls where the sparrows usually build their nests. " What the div\ il arc \ ou doin;^- there ? " said he. " Awm looking- \\haur its no likely a cawf wad be." The shoemaker is often looked upon as an out-and-out Radical and Socialist. Love of truth was a strontf point with one in Ci in, .Ayrshire. Two ladies in the town employed !iim. One of them said, " Why don't you make my shoes as neat as you make my sister's ? " to which he replied, " Gie me the neat fit (foot) and I'll make the neat shoe."' He then turned to the other lady and said, " But them wi' the neatest feet's aye the big'gest fules. " The shoemaker is not a man to be taken in as a rule, but he hears a lot. There was a case of defamation of character connected with the villaj^e of St. Fillans. One of the natives called on the shoemaker and remarked that somebody had said llic man was to be tried for " damna- tion of character, when it should be definition." An Aberdeenshire shoemaker was not taken in except in wit. A fiddler complained that he was s^rossiy over- chart^ed for a pair of boots. "There's nae overchairge in tile maitter," replied the shoemaker. " Ye're jist chairged the same as ither folk — I hiv'na twa prices." "Ye dinna need to ha'e twa prices, my man," retorted the ang'ry fiddler, " for by mj- faith ye ha'e ae gweed ane." The mode called "Whip the Cat," that is tailors making the garments in the houses of their patrons and getting their board while so engaged, is now a thing no SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. of the past. The tailor's apprentice frequently scored. A worthy knight of the needle and his apprentice, from the village of Svvinton, were one day plying their craft at a neighbouring farm-house, and when at breakfast with the family, the tailor, wishing no doubt to give a high impression of his home luxuries, said to the appren- tice, " Be cannie vvi' the milk, laddie ; mind it's no lashangallaivie here as it is at hame." " Muckle ye hae to brag o'," the boy replied ; "a tethered yowe on Svvinton green an' blin' o' yae pawp ! " Another couple were at work after the sun had gone down. The master exclaimed, " Dash the man wha invented candle-licht." " .\ye, an' daylicht tae," added the apprentice. Davie Thomson, a Crieff tailor, being annoyed by a swell saddler said, " I think we sometimes visit at the same gentlemen's houses." " Oh yes," said the saddler. "We both go to Ferntower," said Davie. "Certainly," said the saddler. " But with this difference," said Davie, " I am shown into the drawing-room, and you are shown into the stables." It may be thought by some a long cry from tailors and saddlers to university men, but when we consider the importance assumed by the last mentioned tailor the gulf looks ver}' narrow. Stories of professors at the Scottish Universities abound. Professor Blackie was responsible for a lot. Probably the best published are those relating to .St. Andrews, which appear in Dr. Pryde's "Pleasant Memories." Thomas Duncan, Professor of Mathematics, .St. Andrews, brings a student who had been annoying him from the back benches to the front seat. " You'll be better there," he says ; " for In tlie first place you'll be nearer me, and in the second place you'll be nearer the board, and in the third place you'll be nearer the door." MISCELLANEOUS. iii William Pyper, Professor of Humanity, when oblis^ed to address one of iiis scholars out of turn called him Mr. That or Mr. There. He was in the habit of inviting his first year's students, in relays, to drink tea with him. As the Professor was encased in his usual buckram, and as the students were sheepish, the conversation was not lively, and long periods of silence intervened. During one of these awful pauses, an exact imitation of the Pro- fessor's voice was heard on the street exclaiming, " () ! Mr That, take another cup of tea. Toddy will follow in due course — There." William Spalding, Professor of Logic at .St. Andrews, was annoyed by a j'oung student, whom we shall call Macgregor, who began to talk and titter in the class. After one or two warning glances the Professor stopped for an instant, concentrated his gaze upon the culprit, and, in a tone that increased in rapidity and intensity as it proceeded, said, " Macgregor, for my sake, and for the class's sake, and for your own sake, and for God's sake, if you can't be quiet. Go Oi,"T.'' James Erederick Eerrier, Professor of Moral Philosophv in .St. .\ndrews, had just finisju'd, after a lite-long labour, his theor}- of philosophy, and it was being printed under the title of" Institutes of Metaphysic." He was full of the subject, and was fond of Heading extracts from the proofs to any intimate friend tlial called. One day the brusque but genial Major Playfair dropped in. " Well, Major," said Eerrier, " I have just completed the great work of my life ; and if you don't object, I would like to read to you a short extract iVom it. But before I begin, let me say that I claim in this book to have made philo- sophy intelligible to the meanest understanding." " Very well," replied the Major, " go ahead." Eerrier proceeded to read a passage in his slow emphatic manner ; but the 112 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. ' Major soon became fidg^ety, and at last burst out, " Well^ Ferrler, do you mean to say that this is intelligible to the meanest understanding?" "Do you understand it, Major?" "Yes, I think I do." "Then, Major, I'm satisfied." At St. Andrews University professors and babes who can crawl are infatuated over golf. As Dr. Pryde says — ■ .Some of the golfers (old gentlemen retired from business) do nothing, think nothing, and talk nothing but golf. When the news of the capture of the French army at Sedan arrived, and everybody was talking about it, a gentleman went into the club-house, bursting with excite- ment and wonder, and met one of these infatuated golfers. "Have you heard the news?" he cried. "Yes; most extraordinary — did the round in S3 ! " Dr. Pryde tells a good story of the Mr. Adam Black, chief of the firm that owned the Encyclopaedia Britannica. One day, shortly after he had commenced business as a bookseller, a suspicious-looking man came stealthily into the shop, and, leaning over the counter, whispered into his ear, " I've got some fine smuggled whisky, which I'll let you have a great bargain." " No, no," said Mr. Black, indignantly ; " I want nothing of tile kind : go away." The man, evidentl}' not believing in the sincerity of this righteous outburst, leant over the counter again and whispered, " I'll tak' Bibles for't." Yet another of Dr. Pr3de's reminiscences : Mr. Thomas Knox, hon. treasurer of what is now the Heriot Watt College, Edinburgh, was a man who did not care to spend much time vipon the small details. A poor woman, whose husband had broken his leg, called at Knox's shop to get his advice, and perhaps his help. She did not find him in ; but his partner, Mr. Samuel, came to her and asked what she wanted with Mr. Knox. .She told him. MISCELLANEOUS. 113 " Well," he said, in his quiet, ironical voice, " has your husband only broken one lei^?" "Only one." "Then," he said, " there is no use apf)lyinf^ to Mr. Knox. If your husband had broken six or eight legs, that would havL- been a case for Mr. Knox." The Rev. Lewis Balfour, one of whose daughters was the mother of Robert Louis Stevenson, had often remon- strated with a village worthy, "Cork" Reid, on tin- baleful custom of getting fou that was characteristic of the man. On his way to the manse gate one day " Cork " fell into the mill lade, and the minister coming upon the scene read him a lecture as he stood up to his waist in the water. " Cork," unabashed and equal to the occasion, responded — " Mr. Balfour, I've naething niair to dae wi' you. I've jined the Anabaptists, and I'vejist got dipped." J. H. C. writes in the Scots Pictorial, May iith, 1898 : — A certain cleric, who shall be nameless, announces in a handbill that on four consecutive Sunday evenings his |)ulpil will be occupied b\' four of his brethren. The bill concludes with the text :— " As a bird that wandereth from her nest, so is a man that wandereth from his place." Whether this is meant to apply to tiie ministers or to the members of the clerics own congregation is tin- question which bothers me. Ministers certainly do curious things in the way of ti>xt-choosing. Spurgeon used to tell of a reverend brotinr who preached on tin- loss of a siiip with all hamls on board from — " .So he bringelh them to their desired haven " ; and of another, just r(;turned from his honeymoon, who gave out as his text : "The troubles of my heart are enlarged. Oh! bring nn- out of m\ distresses." 1 have myself heard of a newly- married parson who embarrassed his young wife by preaching from the words -" Behold I have plaved the I 114 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. fool, and have erred exceedingly" ; but I don't believe the story. Nor do I believe in the tale of the country minister who, having" been appointed chaplain to a prison, took farewell ot his people with a sermon on the text : " I go to prepare a place for you." As well ask one to believe that the same chaplain in liis first discourse addressed the prisoners from the words : " It is good for us to be here." On the other hand, it is certain that the Rev. H. Paul, when resigning his church in Ayr some four years ago, preached from the text : " And they fell upon Paul's neck and kissed him." And then it is in the staid biography of Dr. Begg that we read of an Edinburgh minister preaching a funeral sermon on a miserly brother divine from the words : "And the beggar died." Oh yes ; there are some funny follows among the parsons. CHAPTER XVII. HOTCH-POTCH. ''T^HE last chapter was headed " .MisceHaneous," J^ because an old Scottish minister was credited with having- said that there was a lot of miscellaneous feedinj^ about a sheep's head. The current chapter is called " Hotch-Potch," because there's a lot intil't. There is no hidden meanin.i^ in these remarks, and no prize will be given for any alleged solution. A Scottish evangelist said a great many people put their religion in the drawer with their kirk clacs till the next .Sabballi. He also said that God can do everything, to which a smart lad replied, " EverylJiing except send weather that would please the farmers." A man gave as his reason for not marrying that he had his mother to live with him, and that there was monj- a thing he could say to her that he could not say to a " stranger woman." The first Sunday that the Rev. Mr. Lamb and his wife were in church after their marriage the clergyman in- advertently chose for his text, " Behold the bride, the Lamb's wife." The first Sunday that the Rev. Mr. M — preached after his marriage to Miss Mary B , the text, accord- ing to rotation, should have been, " And Mary hath chosen that good part which shall not be taken from her," but he passed it over. A recently placed minister in a country parish in Ayr- shire had his father preaching for him ont.' Sunday. One of the congregation said, in the evening, "We are a' ii6 SCOTTISH LIP^E AND HUMOUR. proud o' oor ain young' minister, but the falther dang' him the day." During the great strike a few years ag'o amongst the employes on the North British Railway, much difficulty was experienced in finding qualified engine-drivers. Upon one occasion a young* fellow was put upon a section in Fife. One day he ran sonie distance past a station, and upon putting back he went as far the other way. The station-master, seeing him preparing for an- other attempt, to the great amusement of the passengers on the platform, shouted: "Just bide whaur ye are, Tammas. We'll shift the station I " An Aberdeen school has the motto, " Religione et bonis moribus," which is said to have been read by a countryman as " Really John ate bones an' murphies." .\t a Burns Club supper I once heard a speaker say that a certain county was famed for poets and poetatoes. He made no mention of poetasters or potato tasters. No doubt there are poets and poets, as there are potatoes and potatoes, but why they should have any connection I know not. The Rev. Dr. Norman Macleod told a good story of a "poet" : — Dugald M (1835-6, in Glasgow) was not without talent, and made several creditable attempts in verse ; but his extraordinary self-importance, his un- consciousness of ridicule, and the bombastic character of manv of his productions made him a ready butt for the shafts of drollery with which the young fellows who met at certain suppers in (Glasgow were abundantly armed. Once, at a public dinner, when the toast of " the poets of Scotland, coupled with the name of Dugald M ," was proposed, in terms which seemed to dis- parage the practical importance of their art, Dugald, rising in great indignation, determined to give the HOTCH-POTCH. 117 a lesson on the sjfrandeur of the offended muse. " I will tell the i^entleman, " he shouted, " what poetry is. Poetr}- is the lanj^-uaj^e of the tempest when it roars throui^'^h tlie crashing' forest. The waves of the ocean tossing' their foaming crests under the lash of the hurricane — they, sir, speak in poetrv. Poetry, sir ! poetry was the voice in which the .\lmiglity thundered through the awful peaks of Sinai ; and I myself, sir, have published five volumes of poetry, and the last, in its third edition, can be had for the price of five shillings and sixpence ! " Here is another from the western metropolis. An old Scotch landed proprietor, or laird, who piqued himself much upon his pedigree and had a sovereign contempt for men who had come to greatness through successful industry, was one night in a company where a young lady from Glasgow happened to descant a little upon what her father, her grandfathers and her great-grand- fathers had done as civic rulers in the city. After enduring this for a little, the laird at last tapped the fair speaker gently on the shoulder, and said to her in an emphatic good-humoured tone, " Wheest my woman ; nae Glas- gow folk ever had grandfathers." A civic ruler, alias a bailie, was recently travelling per rail when there was a general conversation on Roman remains. An English lady, addressing the bailie, asked, " Are you an antiquarian, Mr. B. ? " The bailie, briskly, " No, mem, I tak' a haddock to my supper every nicht." It was in an East Lothian bar parlour after a golf niatch at Luffness that the story was told of some teachers, poor players, striking tlir turf instead of the ball. Some one asked them if they were digging for (jreek roots. .\ bailie, who was listening to the story, turned to a gentleman sitting next him and asked, ii8 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. " What kind o' rits do ye ca' thae ? " The answer was, " Oil, it's a joke thuiking of finduigf them at Luffness. They can't be kept in this country except in a con- servatory." " Oo, aye, that's hoo I had never heard o' them before." The Rev. Mr. had taken into his service, for general utiHty, a poor lad, for whose spiritual welfare he was, of course, bound to look out. Desiring" one morning to put in practice liis benevolent intent, he called the boy to his study, and, with visage of the gravest sort, said — "Sam, do you know you are a sinner?" "Yes," falteringly replied Sam. "Do 30U know" what will become of you if you do not repent ? " Receiving no coherent reply, he launched into repentance and redemption, encouraged by the evident impression made by his words, and feeling no small compunction the while that he had so long neglected a "subject of grace" so promising. At last a vacant and wandering look roused a sudden suspicion, to verify which he in- quired — " Sam, what is a sinner ? " Imagine the situation when the "subject of grace" promptly re- sponded — "Sinner, sir? Yes, sir; sinners is strings in turkeys' legs, sir." The sinews of tlie parson's face relaxed. A young minister was about to preach in the parish church of Dailly, Ayrshire, on the Monday after a com- munion. It would seem that one individual discharged the responsible duties of beadle and precentor. Accord- ingly he came into the study where the young man was looking over the notes, and, apparently actuated by a wish to prepare an inexperienced hand for what was before him, said, "Ye haena been here before, sir? Ye'll no ken the kirk ? '' " No ; what sort of church is it?" " Hech ! we'll hae hard wark the day, for she'll HOTCH-POTCH. 119 be thin, an' she's a dreii^h ane ballli tae sing- an' preach in." The Rev. J. Johnstone writes : — Every settled minister in the Church of Scotland has a manse and i^lebe. Among- the perquisites is the grass of the churchyard, and this, instead of being mown, is often eaten by the minister's sheep and cow. I once heard the late Rev. Dr. Laing-, of Sydney, tell an anecdote bearing upon this custom. Mr. Adam, an eccentric old bachelor — the famous minister of Millport, who prayed for " this island" (one of the Cumbraes) "and the neighbouring- islands of Great Britain and Inland " — was one day entertaining a parly of visitors. Being anxious, like a good host, that his guests should do justice to the creature comforts set before them, he made a point of setting forth the good qualities of each particular dish. The running- commentary or recommendation was suffici- ently amusing all along, but it attained its climax when, turning to a young lady of the party, he pressed her not to spare the butter. "It was weel worth tastin'," he said ; " there was nane in a' llie toon like it. It was gude kirkvard butler." " Gudesake, man," said a douce housewife to an honest dairyman, " wiial's tiiis _\ e're doin' till your milk noo ? The last 1 got iVae ye there was aboot a third o't water." " Tiiere ve're wrang, Mrs Maclaren," said the man, " it maun hae been some ither body's milk ye got last time ; mine's aye half-an'-half." A west country town counclliur told his wiU- that he had carried his motion by three liiirds. " That's non- sense. Ve maun hae had them a'." " What are ye haiverin' at, wumman ; ari' there no four llirippenies in a .shillin' ? " A worthy tobacconist, in the High Street of Auld 120 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. Reekie, was complaining one day of a book which a very erudite doctor liad published. " It's a bad one," said he. " How? " said his friend ; " I always thoui»-ht Dr. Findlay had been a wortliy, g'ood man." " It's the worst book I ken," said the old shopkeeper ; " it's owre big for a pennyworth o' snuff, and it's no big enough for three bawbees' worth." The Rev. Dr. Guthrie published a book, " The City : Its Sins and Sorrows," and was afterwards amused, when in the publishing house of ^Messrs. A. & C. Black, hearing a youth, who had been sent from a bookseller's, asking for " Twenty copies of Guthrie's Sins." "Ay," said Kirsty Martin, who was an authority on the subject, " there's mony a kind o' death ; there's death by land, and there's death by sea, and there's death i' the bed, and there's a shot death. • Eh ! but my man got a happy death ; he cam' in frae work, an' sat doon to sup's brose at the fireside. I was takin' my drap tea, and after a while I says, ' Are ye for kail, Catto ? ' But he never spak yet. There he was, dead, an' the brose cap atween's knees. Eh ! but it was a happy death ! " Dugald — " Hev you hard apoot Tchon Maclean? He was doon with ta concussion of ta prain.' Archie — *' Poor fellah. Wass it a catching complaint, Tugal, ant was Tchon neffer 'noculated on ta arm akainst such contagious tiseases ? " Dugald — "It wass knocked on ta head he wass, ant not on ta arm. Cinvliat ignorance to think that a man's prains wass in hiss arm ! " Bad grammar is not always appreciated as it should be. A story is told of an ancient Scottish Earl who was the most curious mixture of hereditary pride, personal vanity and excessive meanness on record. The Earl of Buchan had erected a colossal statue of Sir William Wallace on his grounds, and given the charge of it to a HOTCH-POTCH. 121 local rhymer wlio liad published a shillini^ volume of poems in the Scottish dialect. The tourists who came to see the statue, instead of g^iving- the custodian six- pence, were accustomed to buy a cop\- of his works. The Earl, who had also dabbled in literature, and brouf^ht out a 7s 6d volume of fugitive pieces, which were stationary at the booksellers, seeing a market open, thought there was a grand opportunity of getting off his own effusions, and sent a large supply for such sale. Not long after, in conversation with his noble patron, the dependent chanced to speak of " us poets." " I'oets," said the indignant Peer, " why, your rhymes are neither sen.se nor grammar."' " Grammar here, grammar there, my lord, mine sells best," said the undaunted custodian. " Have you brought any witnesses ? " asked the Rev. Mr. Wood, of Bathgate, of a middle-aged couple who had come to be married. " No, we ne'er thought o" that. Is it necessary?" " Oli, certainly," said the minister; "you should have a groomsman and brides- maid as witnesses." " Who can we get, Jen, do you think?" The bride, so addressed, suggested a female cousin, whom the bridegroom had not previously seen, iind after consultation a man was also thought ot". " Step awa' alang, Jen, an' ask them, an' I'll walk aboot till ye come back." Jen set out as desired, and after some time returned witli tlie two friends, the cousin being a blooming lass, somewhat younger tlian the bride. Wlien the parties had been properly arranged, and the minister was about to proceed with the cere- mony, the bridegroom suddenly said — " Waud ye bide a wee, sir? " " Oh, wiiat is It now ? " asked the minister. " Weel, I was just gaun to say that If it waud be the same to you, I waud rather hae that ane," pointing to the bridesmaid. "A most extraordinai v statement to 122 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. make at this stage ; I'm afraid It's too late to talk of such a thing now." " Is it?" said the bridegroom, in a tone of calm resignation to the inevitable. " Weel, then, you maun just gang on." I have elsewhere remarked on how stories have a remarkable habit of getting localised in numerous places far distant from one another. Here is another sample, this time from the land of Yankee Doodle. The follow- ing is told of Bishop E , of Massachusetts : — Visiting one of the churches of his diocese, he requested that the children of the .Sunday School should be assembled to be catechised. The good bishop put this question rather suddenly to the little boy who stood trembling at the head of tlie class — " Who made the world ? " The little fellow, with quavering voice, replied, " I didn't." The bishop, astonished at the answer, demanded, " VVhat do you mean, sir?" Still more frightened, the lad re- plied, " If— I —did— I— won't- do— it— again ! " Mr. Yankee's recent fighting suggests the following : — A woman in the country went for a pound of candles, when, to her great astonishment and mortification, she was told they had risen a penny in the pound since her last purchase. " What can be the cause of such a rise ? " said the old woman. " I can't tell," answered the shop- keeper, "but I believe 'tis principally owing to the war." " What ! " exclaimed the old woman, " do they fight by candle-light ? " Perhaps a little of something French maj- not be out of place in " Hotch-Potcli." An Intelligent Frenchman, at Edinburgh, wrote to Fitn on the occasion of the Grand Review of 1881 (I have some reminiscences of that Review myself, but unfortunately some of the people concerned are alive) : — Cher mon Redactcur, — I am like your leetle boy who vill valk on ze grass at your Q Garden. I am HOTCH-POTCH. 123 ovare ze bordare. I am in \our Athene modenic, your Old Ricky, your Edinburijh. Some von tell me It is ze city of ze seven hills, and zat is vy you call it ze Modern Asseens ; but I say to him it should be ei.ijht 'ills. And ven he demand vare is ze eight hill, I say, " Mon ami f you close all ze publikous all ze Sunday, voila ze greatest ill your flesh is heir to ! '' . . . Mais place mix dames. I nevare have seen so many pretty girl as in your Edin- bro'. Zey are ravissants, and yet zey are call " bony lassies." Sare, I would call ze sveet sings " molassies." ParhJeu ! it is fine town ; ze Seat of Artur is splendide — he must have vant a seat by ze time he get to ze top. I go down your Firt of Forse, but I no see your Firt of Fifs, maintenant. I see your Bassrock, vare I suppose all ze pale-el is brew ! I go to Morningside, but I no see afternoon side. Zey show me ze " monument of Burns," it Is nozzink so large as your monument In Londres, vich is also to burns — zat is, to ze Great Fire of Londons. I see ze Grass Market, ze Hay Market, and ze Salt Market; but vare is ze grass, ze hay, and ze salt ? I go to ze port below — I zink zey call it — and zen to Newhaven ; but alzo I have a dip at Newhaven, I cannot go from zls von to Dieppe. I have ze feesh supper at ze Peacock, vare ze good Madame Main tell me ze historj' of ze bay vare Qveen Marie land — Madame Main, may 3-ou very long remain at }our hotel. I go to Rosslvn, vare I see ze iovally chapelle Golhique. But oh ! milord Rosslyn, vy do you let your chapelle at ze shecling each ? Xoblesse oblii^e, milord ! I go to ze Cilen of Hawtornden, 1 zink I am in fairylands. Ifciiarming Miss JoUidogue vera here I sould be. . . . Zey show me ze Canongate in Edin- bro', but I no see ze cannon nor ze gate. I see ze Tolbooze, vare zey put ze people who get tight, and hold zem fast. Zev show me ze house of Knocks — it seems 124 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. to have received a lot of zem. I see ze Old Castle, and -zey sliow me a vindow vare zey say Montrose take his last leap. I say, " I suppose he break his neck, and no vendare, if he jump zat ? " But I ask pardons ven zay ■explain zey mean his last sleep. I go to ze Grand Review. C\'faif Grand. Zare vas ze good Qveen and z.e loyal peoples. I say to my neighbours on ze grand stand, "Zare is ze real Heart of Mid-Losian under ze Royal Estandard." I see ze London Escotteesh in Escotteesh London. I see ze Royal Archares — Archare is, as at Epsoms, first favoreet. I see ze Heelandares vitout ze trousare, like our sansculottes. Some von say ZGy are kilt ; I say not, zey are too lively. I see ze Artillery from, I suppose, ze Canongate. I hear the pipe broke, I sink zey call it, and I go avay, or ze drum of my ■ear would be broken too. And I see ze rain ! ah ! not ze Qveen's reign Major Henderson of Westerton, Bridge of Allan, was introduced by the late Charles Lees, artist, into a picture of a curling match, where he is rather a conspicuous figure. He is there represented as watching earnestly one of the curling-stones on its way — with his hand under his cap, as if scratching his head in his anxiety as to the progress of the stone. Soon after he had sat for this picture, he met the late Duke of Athole in a railway carriage, accompanied by three Highlanders in full costume, going to some gathering. They had some con- versation together, and then tlie Duke asked him what he had been doing lately. " Sitting for my picture, your Grace," answered the Major. " Indeed !" said the Duke ; " in wliat attitude are you taken ?" " Highland attitude, your Grace," responded the Major. " Highland jittitude," said the Duke; "what attitude is that?" " Scratching," answered tlie Major. Major Henderson HOTCH-POTCH. 125 averred that the Highhmders put their liaiids on their dirks when they heard his answer, but the Duke hiuti;^hed heartil}', and tlien thi\- lau.s^hed too. Honesty is the characteristic of some Scotsmen. A countryman, bein^ asked it" lie was an abstainer, said, in pious indignation — " Deed no, sir, 'am the \erra opposite." A Hawick man appHed for tiie situation of boots at a iiolel. Tlie manager said he was afraid he would not suit. .\ man of polisli was required. " Say I've nae polish?" "Oh, well, perhaps, but language,, you know." " Language, I can speak three languages." " Oh, what are they ? " " Hawick, Selkirk and Jeddart." The manager said these were not spoken much in his hotel, and he would have to refuse the application. " Ou wall," said the candidate, "you've lost the bast man in Scotland." CHAPTER XVIII. Fl'N. A FEW years ag-o the Freedom of an Ancient and Royal, though not specially extensive, Burg^h was to be conferred on a neighbouring' nobleman who had i^ ranted a water supply on generous terms. Several reporters who had been invited to the function were being- badgered and kept waiting- at the entrance to the hall. One of them, from the West, losing- patience, asked an official what he thought they came there for ; did he think they had come to that forsaken place for fun! Fun hi^ considered as distinct from business. At the same time it may be noted that the Scotsman takes even his fun in earnest. What his hands, his feet, or his head find to do is done witli all his might. Of course it must be recognised that there is always a limit. Donald and Duncan are going- round the Mull of Kintyre with a heavy sea on. Donald is seaproof ; Duncan is lying- hopelessly prostrate on the deck. Donald — " I say, Duncan, will you pe really as pad as you look ? " Duncan, in most piteous tones — " Och, man, Donald, did you'll thocht I wud pe deein' for fun ? " Archery, the oldest of our National sports, had more business than fun in it, as it was practised by Act of Parliament, being- the chief method of offence and defence ag-ainst our enemies. Football and golf came in vogue, but in the reign of Janies II. (1457) it was decreeted and ordained that the weapon-schawinges be halden four times in the year, and that the Fute-ball and Golfe be utterly cryed downe. In the reign of James III. it was FUX. 127 " thought expedient that the Fute-ball and Golfe be abused hi time cumming."' In the reiyn of James IV. {1491) " it is statute and ordained that in na phice of the Reahne there be used Fute-ball, Golfe, or uther sik un- proffitable sportes." Four hundred years have elapsed, and we find football of a truth abused ; but neither it nor golf is an unprofitable sport. Why, thev have become professions. The public pa\- in their thousands to see the professors of football smash at one another ; and as to golf, it has raised the rent of land, on which a goat would starve, from nothing to a price beyond that of orchards. The following extract is tVom " A New Geographical, Historical, and Commercial Grammar and present state of the several Kingdoms of the World, by William Guthrie, Esq. Printed by J. Knox, No. 148, near Somerset House, in the Strand, 1774": — Scotland. . . Dancing is a favourite amusement of this country ; but little regard is paid to the art of gracefulness ; the whole consists in agility and in keeping time to their own tunes, which they do with great exactness. One of the peculiar diversions practised by the gentlemen is the Goff, which requires an equal degree of art and strength ; it is played by a bat and a ball ; the latter is smaller and harder than a cricket ball ; the bat is of a taper construc- tion, till it terminates in the part that strikes the ball, w'hich is loaded with lead and faced with horn. The diversion itself resembles that of the Mall, which was common in England in the middle of the last centurv. An expert player will send the ball an amazing distance at one stroke, and each player follows his ball upon an open heath, and he who strikes it in fewest strokes into a hole wins the game. The diversion of Curling is like- wise, I l)elieve, peculiar to the Scots. It is performed on 128 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. ice with large flat stones, often from 20 to 200 pounds* weight each, which they hurl from a common stand to a mark at a certain distance, and whoever is nearest the mark is \Ictor. (I can now understand liow the Scots were credited with lifting- cattle !) These two may be called the standing' summer and winter diversions of Scotland. The natives are experts at all tlie other diversions comn.on to England, the cricket excepted, of which they have no notion ; the gentlemen look upon it as too athletic and mechanical. The criticism of a century and a quarter ago wears well. I do not intend to deal with dancing, or its companion, football, but to toucli lightly on the national games of curling and golf. The old curlers were a jovial set, and wise too. Where are better rules to be had than the following from Ardoch Club :— 1. Only one member shall speak at a time, and in addressing the president the speaker shall rise to his feet. 2. Whisky punch to be the usual drink of the club in order to encotu'age the growth of barley. 3. No politics of Church or State to be discursed. 4. Xo member to speak of the faults of another member in curling, nor deride the office-bearers, nor disobey the order of the day. 5. Any member convicted of robbery or reset of theft shall have his name erased from the roll of members. 6. Any member appearing at a meeting the worse of lit|Uor shall be obliged to leave immediately for the day. 7. Any member who swears, dictates to another how to \ote, or persists in trifling motions without being supported, shall be fined. 8. The amount of each fine to be 6d. And where, coming down to November 28th, 1888, is there a much better menu than that supplied for the Jubilee Dinner of the Royal Caledonian Curling Club in the Waterloo Hotel, Edinburgh : — I-LX. 129 " A' here, men ?" " Aye, a' licre and fit." |3 i 1 1 of Jt a V c. " Tak' voi/r "U'lt/l o'/." SO I 'PS. '' Soop, lads, soop J" Hark. Cockie-Leekif.. ' ' Gie him heels. " "A vera pat/id. ' " r/SH. " In the 'way u promotion." Cod and Ovstek Sauce. Tukbot and Lousier Saice. " Kest on him." " Clap on a guard." HAGGIS. " The king o' a' the core." lOI.VTS. " Oh, be cannie 1" Corned Beef and Green.s. Roast Siki.oin ue Reek. " Ne'er a krivc." " About the board H'c gather W'i' mirth an glee, sirloin the tec.' Roast Tukke\ . Boiled Ham. " Curl in to your grannie's wing." " It's a hog." SWF.KTS. " />'/"■ on." I'ELM I'l DUIXG. ' ' Tak' zvhat ye sec dt." " It's jist perfection . ' ' LlQL'EUK JEI,I,1E.S. CO.MPOTES OE KkLMT. ' ' Kiggle-kaggle. " " S fanes and besoms an ' a'." Assorted Pastry. " Dinna let them see that again." CHFJ-.SR AND CELERY. " Dra7L< the port." DESSERT. " Check by jo'icl within the bioiigh." "■BESOMS UP." ■ K 130 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. A writer in the Pall Mall Gazette (December 9th, 1893), says : — If it be not right royal sport that he g^ets out of it, then is your Scot a Dutchman. He Uvcs for nothing but curling- so long- as the hard weather holds, and the ice is in any way playable. The minister quits his studv, the lawyer his desk, the laird and the farmer their fields, the working man his tools, the doctor his patients, the banker his "sweating-room," tlie shopman his counter— all for the sake of the "roarin'" game. The picture of that doctor's devotion to it in Mr. Barrie's "The Little Minister," is by no means overdrawn. Nay, one of the cloth has been known to carry things to a greater length than he ; since a minister of the kirk — one of Burns's " godly priests," no doubt^is said to have pronounced the Sabbath itself a "fair absurdity" when there was curling- to be had, and the thaw might come on the Monday. The description I have quoted is a true one, and it may be readily imagined that quaint anecdotes abound. At present I must look them sternly in the face and pass on to conclude with two contributions dealing- with the mysteries of curling. "Traquair" gives the following reminiscences of a Curlers' Court : — In view of the evanescent character of all things terrestrial — curling not excepted — one feels impelled to "hark back" to the daj's of yore, when curling and curlers had more of the spirit and sentiments of freemasonry than is now generally to be found, more especially in clubs recently affiliated with the Royal Caledonian Curling Club. The "Word" and "Grip" (both old and new) are, to a certain extent, ignored, while the " Curlers' Court," with its manners and customs dear to the heart of every " keen, keen curler," is almost a thing of the past. To quote from a western writer, FUN. 131 educated before the days of Lennie, " thing^s is not as they used to was ! " And why this change ? and, is it for the better ? are questions we may well ask ourselves. We are credited with being' more sober and staid than our forefathers, though this statement is somewhat diffi- cult to reconcile alongside of the yearly reports of our customs and excise. But if we are it may to a certain extent account for the g^radual decay of those hilarious festivities which roused the enthusiasm of every true knight of the broom. Nevertheless, we are bound to admit that however much we may have, in our own estimation, improved in manners and customs, a much greater stride must be made ere we can, in matters " Curliana," " rive oor faithers' bannets." A short sketch of a Curling Court as held langsyne in the Kingdom of Fife may not be uninteresting to those of our readers who may be ignorant of sucli a ceremonial, and may furtlier be productive of a desire to imitate and perpetuate those forms and ceremonies, those signs and svmbols, which gave no little zest to " auld Scotia's roarin" game." We must ask our readers to accompany us to the inner ciiamber of a country hostelry in a small town of the "kingdom" on the — of January 18 — about 6 p.m., where w(> find ourselves among some twenty stalwart Fifers, who, wilii the exception of three novices to be admitted, are making sad havoc of "beef and greens," and beef-steak pie, plate after plate of wiiich disappears as if by magic, while scarce a sound is heard, with the exception of a grunt of satisfaction as some sweet morsel finds its way into the palate of an epicure, or a sigh of content mingled with disappointment that there is a limit to the distension of mortal diaphragms ! The chairman, viewing with surprise a third huge helping disappear with difliculty beneath tlu; belt of a well-known 132 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. i^ormandiser, in bitter iron\- suggests a fourth plateful, to be met with a look of utter disdain and a gasping reply, " Haud yer tongue, man. See ower the watter ! " Nature's calls having been duly attended to, the decks are cleared for action and the business commences. On the motion of the croupier, the chairman is unanimously appointed to the honourable position of " my lord," and he in turn nominates one after another of the members to act as his oflRcers, taking good care that he asks those first who are utterly incompetent to act. As one after another declines the proffered post, they are summarily fined one penny each, which is paid Into a " mutchkin stoup " kept in readiness. At last a proficient oflficer is found, who rising up and vigorously shaking the stoup and its contents, proceeds In a stentorian voice " to fence the court." " O yez ! O yez ! O yez ! I defend and I forbid, in Her Majesty's name and authority, and b}' the authorit}' of my lord, presently In the chair, that there shall be no legs owre-'m, no hands a' boosie, or across, no support on your neighbour's chair, or on the table. No rising up or sitting down, or going to the door without leave first asked and granted by my lord. No touching the cup or glass but with the curler's right hand, which is understood to be every ordinary man's left. No pri\ate committees. Every man his name and surname. Every breach of these articles one half-penny. Every oath one penny. My lord 's my lord, and I'm his officer — both absolute. (jod save the Queen. James Reidman is James Reldman, Robert MacWhackit is Robert MacWhackit, Stuart Hughes is Stuart Hughes, James Menzies is James Menzies, William Cartmore is William Cartmore, Peter MacSnuff is Peter MacSnuff, Henry A. Norman is Henry A. Norman, David Archer Is David .\rclier, James Laird, Jun., is James Laird, FUN. 133 Jun., William Rcidiiian is William Rcitlman, William O'Shaugh is William O'Shaug^h, Adam Jones is Adam Jones, William E. Blair is William K. Blair, (ieorge (ilencairn is George Glencairn, William Camelon is William Camelon. My lord 's my lord, and I'm his officer, both absolute. God save the Queen!" While this awe-inspiring ceremony is being enacted, note the faces of the three candidates for admission. Each in turn grows white as a ghost as the idea gains ground in their minds that " now they are in for it." No sooner is the "fencing" completed than each one tries his best to discover his neighbour in the act of breaking one of the aforementioned articles and report him to the officer in order to have him fined and the contents of the stoup increased. "Officer, fine Robert MacWhackit for crossin' his legs !" " Fine Peter MacSnuff for drinkin' wi' his richt hand." " Here's yer gude health, Mr. O'Shaugh." " Fine Adam Jones for saying J/r. O'Shaugh." "Officer, fine James Menzies for bein' a stucco member." " .My lord, I appeal," shouts the aggrieved James. "Table your penny, then," responds his lordship. The appellant immediately tables his coin, which is quickly snapped up by his next neighbour and transferred by him to the stoup. The ofllcer, nigh distracted, is kept running backwards and forwards stoup in hand, trying to collect the fines, none too willingly paid. After a short time of this summary court, "my lord" proposes that the election and admission of the new members be proceeded with, and they are in turn proposed and seconded by two members of the club, and, should thcv pass their trials, unanimously elected. "My lord" then asks the officer to go out and see " if the irons are red-hot and the ropes and chains in readiness." .\gain mark the faces of the fated three ! On receiving a satisfactory reply, each 134 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. member is in turn asked to go out witli the officer and tlie first victim, and initiate him into the mysteries of curling'. Care being' again taken that tiiose are asked first who are " non-proficients," and the stoup fills apace. At last some more learned brother undertakes the task, and the trio make for the door, which is no sooner opened than the wily officer pounces on the unsuspecting member for " rising' up and going' to the door without leave first asked and granted by 'my lord.'" One penny changes ownership, and they then pass out. The two other candidates are meanwhile escorted to a small room within earshot of tlie "Chamber of Horrors," and there locked in, to bide their time. No sooner has victim No. I reached the chamber of torture than he is blind- folded and tied into an armchair by a number of the members who troop out after him to see the fun, the "Court" being temporarily dissolved during' the initiation ceremon\'. Hoisted on to the top of a table, he then is g'iven the " Curler's word," and is made to repeat the " Curler's Oath," during wliich a hot-iron plate, plenti- fully bestrewn with sulphur, is held under his nose ! Nigh speechless and half-choked, he gets through his lesson as best he may, tin cans beaten close to his ears, and red-hot irons thrust into cold water at his side, are enough to make even " a bolder spirit quake," and the onlooker unwittingly imagines that the orgies of auld AUoway Kirk are being' repeated ! The oath having' at last been administered, baptism follows, which consists of half a bottle — sometimes a whole one— of whisky being' poured, partly on the head — mostly, down the neck of the young' disciple, who, after receiving the " grip," is unbound, and with a " broom-cowe " in his right hand, a goat's horns on his head — the skin over his shoulders, and still blind-fold, is led into the court-room and FIX. 135 introduced to " my lord " as an applicant who has passed safely throui^h the ordeals of his induction, and is a properly made and admitted curler. " My lord — rising — jj^ivt's him the ' i^rip,'" and he then fakes it from all the members present, notifyinj^ to the officer any who do not ^ive it properly, and who for their remissness have to transfer a coin of the realm from their custody to that of the stoup. The other victims are treated in a similar manner, and are in turn introduced as thorous^hly made" curlers, after which the court again sits, and the fining- goes on for each breach of the articles, as before. The croupier, after asking and receiving permission from " my lord " to rise, proposes the following toast, which, he explains, is not to be uttered or repeated, till asked for by the officer : — Reef an' greens — tarry 00' Sheep's head ;in' saut soo — Kale — leeks, Hale brceks, A fine curlin' day the morn. A few minutes afterwards, the officer goes round and asks each member to repeal in an undertone the afore- mentioned toast, with the result that the stoup rapidly fills, as each mistake counts one halfpenny. After each member has had a chance of repeating the toast, or in fu'U thereof has paid a substantial tine, tiie officer announces that the stoup, under whose weight he can hardly stand, will now be put up for sale by auction, and after a spirited competition, it is finally knocked down — if possible — to one of the young members, who, on counting over his purchase, discovers himself a few shillings out of pocket by the transaction ! The sum received by the sale of the stoup goes to the club funds. The Court is then dissolved, and the chairman is called on for a ^^onir. Xothincted. Tile earnestness must never slacken. Andrew Kirk- caldy, in the days of his caddiehood, said to a di\init\' student, " Man, Mr. L , this is awfu' wark. Ve're dreivin' like a roarin' lion and puttin' like a puir kittlin'." The student was a little nervous, and it told most disastrously at tiie hole side. The enthusiasm in golf affects the good caddie as much as the plaver. Mr. Laid- lay has told how excited Jack White was th<> first time he went with him to a championship meeting, and how, after a few holes had been played, and he had calmed down a bit. Jack sidled up to his employer, and said, " 1 tiiink, sir, I'm gaun to stand it.'" There was in the remark that half-hidden sense of high responsibility which b(>comes a caddie on such an occasion. A young Edinburgh minister was one day pla\ ing in a foursonv at \orth Berwick. He iiad a short putt for a half, and not knowing all the ouls and ins of the game, he was walking off as if the needful had been performed. The adversary demurred to this, and the minister failed to get the short putt down. " No gentleman," he I40 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. remarked, "would Iiave asked me to hole a short putt like that." " Maybe not," said the adversary calmly, " but we're not gentlemen in tliis case, we're g'olfers." Everybody who plays golf is not a kee7i, keen golfer. As a caddie remarks (" Stories of Golf" : Heinemann) : — "There's a hantle difference in players. There's wild drivers, tearers jeest ; and there's folk that'll pit aff time lookin' at their ba's, as if they were gaun tae fa' doon and worship them ; and there's ithers that'll pit aff time by talkin' and talkin' aboot their plaj', and explainin', and tellin' ye what's garred them miss, and what's the matter wi' their held or their inside, and what's made them nervish ; and some are awfu' fond o' blethers, and canna play a decent game without chatterin' a' the way alang. Them's no guid for much. They canna play steady for bletherin'. Of course I carries to ony man, but I dinna like to carry to the talkateevous players. They put a man oot, even when he's carryin' ; and he canna mind the score." The rules of the game must be stuck to verbatim et literatim. One of the rules is tiiat while you may let yowv caddie lift any light movable object in your way, you cannot move artything that is groii'ing — e.g., a whin, or a tuft of grass — on the course. In the very middle of the green a calf once intervened, and was in the way of a player. He told his caddie to go forward and drive if off. ".Stop," shouted his opponent; " 3'ou cannot do that." "Why?" was the rejoinder; "it's in the road and I cannot play." " But it's a rule of the green that you can't move anything that is growing. Now, that calf is growing." .So determined was the remonstrance, with a show of affected earnestness, that the player yielded, and at the approach-stroke hit the calf, and lost the hole. In a specially important match- although to the true FL'X. 141 golfer all matches are important -one of the plaj-ers got into serious trouble, and was playing Hve more as he approached the green, while his opponent's ball lay within easy putting distance of the hole. His opponent's caddie said to his, " Ye'll gie up the hole?" " Na, na," replied the other, " faith we'll dae naething o' the kind ; we micht win yet." " Win yet, man ! whats the use o' playin', whan yer gaun tae play five mair, an' we're close to the hole ? " " A great deal o' use. Ye see your mon micht drap deid afore It cam' tae his turn to play again, an' syne the hole wad be oors ! Mind ye. If lie was tae dee in a moment (an' onybody micht dae that) ive wad win the hole ! Na, na, faith, we'll no gle up ony hole till we see it taen awa frae us by a leevin' mon." It was evidently a matter of very slight consequence to the caddie whether the opponent did "drap deid" or not, provided only his " mon " won the hole. The following three characteristic anecdotes were con- tributed by the late genial Mr. Dick, Dunbar, for Mr. Kerr's book. The late Sir James Suttie was in the earlier days of the club a keen player. He was then Captain Suttie, and I remember a very ludicrous incident taking place in a foursome of which 1 formed one. The Captain and the late Mr. Stewart, of the militia, were partners ; the former played off from the tee at the burn on the return journey, and when Mr. Stewart's turn came to play he found a woman busy milking a cow right in the line of the hole, and just about the distance a well-struck ball would be likely to go. The warning cry of " fore ! " was shouted, but no attention was paid to it. Again the warning was given, and more vigorously, but still with- out effect. "Well ! here goes for her milk-can !" The ball went off, and sure enough it went bang against the milk-can. The cow gave a iling, upset the milk-can, and 142 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. the woman fell on her back wilh a loud scream. The whole thing took place shnultaneously, and was certauily one of the most ludicrous "rubs of the green" I ever saw. The kite Mr. Stein, grandfather of the present tenant of Easter Broomiiouse, was perhaps the keenest goiter I ever met. I pla\ed with him very often, and though a pretty strong player in those days, he would never, though about eighty years of age, take more from me than what in his quaint golfing phraseology he called " half wan." With that odds he generally contrived to hold his own. On the putting green he was very particular, and could not endure talking or movement, or anything that would in the slightest degree? interfere with his putt. His favourite caddie rejoiced in the name of " Snuffy," and on one occasion, when he had settled down to a some- what long and momentous putt, he called out impatiently, " .Snuffy, tak yer shadow off the hole." He waited a little, and finding no change, he said again, "Tak yer shadow off the hole, I tell ye, 'Snuffy,'" "It's no my shadow, sir ; it's yer ain," was the reph'. Then looking up rather bewildered, he remarked, " Dod ! so it is !" He was now satisfied, and succeeded in getting his ball down. The last time he played I formed one of the foursome, and when near the fisherman's cottage he said somebody had struck liim with a golf-ball. This, however, was not the case ; it was a stroke of a different kind, and after letting him rest for a time in the cottage close by, we managed with difficulty to get him home. Next day I went up to see the fine old fellow, now considerably over eighty. I found him propped up in bed, with his clubs on either side. I had scarcely time to ask how he was, when he observed, " You see, I have got my FUX. ,43 weapons of war beside me ; I think 111 be ready for you on Saturday." It was not to be, however ; he had played his last round. Golfers are blamed for monopolisinef the i^round which should belong' to the Great British Public, and for endangering the lives of peaceful citizens. On Brunts- tleld links a young lady, walking with her mother, was hit by a ball and knocked down. As she fell she fainted away. The player and an excited crowd gathered around her. The golfer muttered his apologies, and expressed his sorrow to the mother, who was in extreme agitation over her child. The girl, suddenly coming to herself, exclaimed, " () mamma, has he hurt my new bonnet ? " In addition to monopolising the links and hitting people with balls, golfers have been blamed for using very strong language when they got into difficulties. This was very unfortunate for ministers, elders, and such like models whom the public sliould copy. The case is historic of the minister wlio said he would have to give it up. " What, give up golf!" " No, the meenistry !'''' It was probably a member of his congregation who could not be an elder because he whiles sell't a horse. History says nothing of his selling a man. A clergyman got into a bunker on St. .\ndrews links. Stroke followed stroke, but he couldn't get out. At length his lips moving with extreme irritation and the effect of continued muscular effort, his caddie interposed, and coming up to the rev. canon, exclaimed, " Wull I say it for ye, sir?" A player who had halved the first round, missed his tee shot at the beginning of the second. His opponent said to his rival's caddie, " Say it for him " ; to which the caddie replied, " It's no 7vorth a damn." The mothers of the caddies are deeplv interested in this question of language. .V story is told of an t'vangelist 144 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. who visited North Berwick to wake up the fisher people on relig-ious matters. One day he remonstrated with a fisherman's wife, who had attended his meeting's, for allovvin,sr lier boy to carr}- clubs. " Deed, sir," said the i;ood woman, " I've often been thinkin' o' keepin' the laddie at hame, for there's nae doot, frae what the caiian says 'imsel', that the languag'e thae g'owflers whyles use is something' maist awfu'. " Lang Willie, of St. Andrews, was once carrying for a well-known Free Church elder. That gentleman thought that his humble friend was somewhat deficient in religious concern. "Willie," he said to him, "Willie, you are an old man now, and you should really be thinking about the things above." Willie did not respond at the time. As the game went on he gave his employer a wrong club,, which was used with unhappy results. The irritated player angrily asked the aged caddie what he meant bj" giving him ///(?/ club ? " I fear, sir," was the immediate reply, "a maun hae been thinkin' aboot the things, aboove." Lang" Willie used often to go out to carry clubs in a condition in which he should rather have remained at home. On one such occasion his employer had to play " a stroke out of a bunker," which he thought he could best negotiate by stooping over the hazard from the top. He did so, missed his stroke, and fell prone into the bunker, on seeing which Willie remarked, "A weel, a weel, I mayna be always jeest what I sud be, but I am at least a hantil better than him the day." Caddies' criticisms are frequently more forcible than polite. "What's your match to-day ?" said a player to his friend at the teeing-ground. " Oh, I play with Colonel ." " What sort of a player is he ? " " Oh, well ! I think he's a very fair second-class player.'* FL-X. 145 Turning' to his friend's caddie, he said, " I say, , would you say that Colonel was a fair second-class player?" " ///w /" replied the caddie, " He canna play a damn. He's nae better liian yersel'." Mr. Balfour, when a foursome in which he was once engaged had assembled at the teeing-ground, recognised in an opponent's caddie a former club-bearer of his own, and gave him a kindly nod of recognition. The caddie, with a satisfied smile, turned to his neigh- bour and remarked, " Ye see hoo we Conservatives ken ane anither." A Southerner, after a round at Nurlh Berwick In which he had played badly, remarki-d to his caddie that his club had such a wretched head he defied any one to play with it. " Deed, sir," said the caddie after examining it, " I dinna tiiink there's onytiiing wrang wi' that end 0' the cluby A player at North Berwiclc, on meeting another whose g-olfing performances as recited in the train on the way down had excited curiosity, asked his caddie who the g'entleman was. Tiie caddie replied, " Weel, sir, he savs he's the minister o' liie Kirk o' Edinburr}-, an' he says he drove the Ouarr} , an' am thinkin' he's a le'ear." The Rev. .Mr. Ktrr has the following stories of Sandy Smith, North Berwick : — Sandy Smith, a noted "character" among the North Berwick caddies, seeing- the gentleman for whom he was one day ceirrying, lifting- bits of turf and pressing them into the holes from which less careful players iiad hewn them, remarked drily, "'Deed, sir, ye needna fash jersel' ; they winna grow." " What, Alexander ! an- _\ t)U not aware that the recuper- ative powers of natun- are something marvellous?" Sandy jogged on and made no remark. " Do you hear 1. 146 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. me, Sandy?" Still no remark. " Mr. Smith, don't you know the English language ? " the gentleman called out, when Sandy slowly and callously replied, " Weel, sir, 1 was jist thinkin' I've heard the fules in the circuses say things like that whiles." Ex-Provost Brodie had once a visit from Sandie about the New Year time. " You an' me has been great freen's for mony a year. Provost," said Sandy : " we leeve near ane anither, an' mj- buryin' grund's very near yours i' the kirkyard ; I howp we'll jist be as near ane anither i' the next worl' : man, hae ye a bit threepenny-bit aboot ye that ye cud gie me ? d'ye ken I'm awfu' dry." " I'm afraid, Sand}', .1 had better not ; you seem to have had plenty, you must have been drinking whisky." " Ye're wrang. Provost," replied Sandy, "ye're perfectly wrang. I hevna had a drap o' whusk}', but I may say I aye keep up my correspondence wi' ' sweet ale.' " Sandy used to carry for the late Captain Maxwell, and one Tuesday morning he appeared in any- thing but fit condition for duty. The Captain several times complained, and at last he said, "This won't do, Smith, I must get someone else to carry my clubs for me, you're the worse of liquor." " Of coorse," said Sandy, "what else wad ye expeck. Captain? everybody here- aboot's that way after Handsel Monday." Sandy's compliance with old custom did not, however, find grace in his employer's eyes, and he lost his situation. Some time afterwards, Sandy was asked what had come be- tween the Captain and him, as he was no longer club- bearer. " Deed," said Sandy, " I was laith to pairt wi'm, for he was a rale fine gentleman, but I couldna stand yon sweerin' o' his ony langer ; it was fair dumfoonderin'." On various occasions Sandy had been heard to remark that " the finest gowffer on the green was Maister Edward Blyth." A gentleman who was anxious to find FUN. 147 out the reason lor tliis preference on tlie part ot" Sandy, tried hard to do so, without being' successful. Eventually a silver key was tried, and Sandy let out the secret : " His auld claes fits me best." Sandy must have taken the measure of the various players and selected his man, for one day, on meeting Mr. Blyth on the links, he said, " I'm wanlin' a word wi' ye, .Mr. Blyth," " Well, Sandy, what is it?" "It's no muckle, sir, it's jist this, I'm wantin' an auld sit o' claes frae ye ; ye're the only man liereaboot that'll fit me." Mr. Blyth cheerfully accepted the compliment, and for a lont^f time Sandy's sartorial outfit lias justified his selection. In the matter of clothes, .Smith, however, appears to be an eclectic, and to extend his patronage now and then beyond Mr. Blyth. A gentle- man for whom .Sandy was one day carry ingf clubs asked him if he knew the Lord Justice-Clerk, who was passing' llipm in a foursome at the time. " Tliat's Lord Kings- bury, ye mean," replied Sandy. " O, he's a great freen' o" mine : naebody kens his lordship better nor me ; thae's his breeks I've on." After driving a very indifferent shot through the green, an old golfer, who had played for forty years, turned to the immortal Skipper, and said, " I cannot understand why that ball did not travel; I'm sure I hit it well enough." Then came the crusher, as only accomplished caddies can crush. " Hel yer ba' I Ye never het yer ba' in yer life!" — a mixture of gross impudence and un- sparing veracity. The good old golfer winced for a moment, and then swelled the roar of laughter that came from partner and opponents. A caddie called " old Wallace," better known as " the Ancient," had a great contempt for gentlemen who carried their own clubs ; and wlieii the wooden caddie was introduced he looked upon it with venomous aversion. 148 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. On one occasion, when Iiis employer's opponent was using" one of those useful and economical implements, the gentleman in question asked Wallace to stand at the hole. "Send yer ain caddie, sir!" was the short and surly repl}'. A minister was topping his balls, and going into so many bunkers, that his misfortunes were beyond a joke. His boy caddie, seeing his state of suppressed emotion, came to his elbow, and whispered, " If it'll dae ye ony guid to sweer, dinna mind me." A caddie, being asked if Mr. So-and-so could play, answered, with a contemptuous toss of the head, " Play ! It he was playing for gundy he wadna get a lick o' the paper." "A range of broken ground " on St. Andrews Links, and known to all as " Hell," has been the subject of many remarks. During a very wet season, and on a very wet day, a St. Andrews player, approaching the well-known bunker, remarked to his caddie, " There's a deal of water in Hell to-day." The caddie replied, "Ay, it's no often like that, and I'm thinkin' the real place '11 no hae ony water intil't when fowk gets there." On another occasion one of the crowd was heard telling- some of his friends that he saw "Johnn}" Laidlay and Jake White baith in Hell, and if onything "Johnny" had rayther the warst lie. The Rev. Mr. Kerr, in a footnote, says old Tom, who is an elder o' the Kirk, and "sits under" the kindly A. K. H. B., seems to have kept that once formidable hazard en rnppoti with the development that has recently taken place in theological doctrine. Mr. Andrew Lang- says of St. Andrews course, "To-day the course is perhaps a dozen strokes easier than it was only forty years ago, from fhc decay of Hell and other bunkers, and from the disa[)pearance of wliins." FUN. HQ A player hit a boy very hard on the ley, tlie " rub of the i^reen " preventing' his ball j^oini^' into a bad bimker. On coming' up, the boy was found rubbing his leg, and crying bitterly. The player patted him on the shoulder, saying, " Never mind, laddie, ye hae the consolayshin o' lia'ein din a gude action. Ye've din weal, and yer sufferin' for it ; an' the Scriptur' sa\'s that ye niaun tak' it patiently.'"' In conclusion let me quote from Lord Rosebery at Norwich, in September 1894 : — We ought, I think, to be i^'reatly pleased that we have been enabled to inoculate England witii the love of a game which had gone on for centuries witliout England taking the slightest notice of it liitherto, and 1 cannot help imputing this new fashion to a very distinguished statesman, though one who is opposed to the ministry of which 1 am a niember — I mean .Mr. Balfour — (applause and laughter) — who is a passionate acolyte of the game of golf, and who has spread its study and practice amongst the communities of England. I am not at all sure, gentlemen, if in the way that history is written nowadays sonie future historian may not discover some considerable meaning in the spread of golf in England. (Laughter.) He will say that a distinguished statesman, looking round for all means of spreading the political principles which he held — (laughter)— had discovered, with the eagle eye of one who knows what he Is about, in the villages and on the links of Scotland, a new means of spreading that creed — (laughter) — and tiiat under the guise of an innocent ganie, which Is [)la\i'il with a b;ig of inslrumi'nts and a bail of extreme hardness, tliat with these simple symbols he had nianaged to form a great secret society, which extended to every lionie in I^ngland, by which tlu' principles of the parly to which he belonged could be extended indefinitely. (Laughter and cheers). And 1 am I50 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. inclined to think that the chapter in some future Macauhiy, which will be headed " Mr. Balfour and Golf towards the end of the Ninteenth Century," will not be one of the least instructive, and certainly not one of the least imaginative, to which he may put his pen. (Laughter.) The pronunciation of the word "golf" has been dis- cussed extensively, if not wisel}-. If we accept the dictum of a Professor of Elocution, to follow the authority of the best dictionaries and the usage of the best society, the word must be pronounced as written, £■ hard, and not " goalf " Since the introduction of the game into England "goff" has become fashionable, especially among ladies. The old Scottish pronunciation seems to have been " gowff," .?" hard and 07v as in cow. If that were, so to speak, the name it was christened, and if people such as university professors and brilliant lawyers acknowledge it, I humbly submit that "gowff" it should remain till some birthday or other honour is conferred on it by Her Majesty. CHAPTER XIX. AULD FARKANT CUSTOMS. OT.D superstitions have died hard, but the}- are dead. It is not many years since the belief in witchcraft was almost universal in Scotland. In Orkney and Shet- land hill spirits, Ivirk spirits, and water spirits were held responsible for sickness and divers other misfortunes. (Another kind of "spirits" served as antidote.) Brownies were the inmates of houses, and at night had tables placed for them in the barn where they slept, covered with bread, butter, cheese, and ale, while charms for killinjjf sparrows that destroyed the early corn, expellini^ rats and mice from houses, for success in brew- ing; and ciiurning, procuring good luck, curing diseases of cattle and human beings, were in constant use. "Pis thine to sing how , framing hideous spells, In Skye's lone isle the gifted wizard seer Lodged in the wintry cave which Fate's fell spear, Or in the depths of t'nst's daik forest dwells. How they whose sight such dreamy dreams engross, With their own visions oft astonished droop When o'er the watery strath or quaggy moss They see the gliding ghosts unbodied troop ; Or, if in sport, or on the festive green, Their destined glance some gifted youth descry Who now perhaps in lusty \ igour seen And rosy health, shall soon lamented die. For them the viewless forms of air obey, Their bidding heed, and at their beck repair ; They know what spirit brews the stormful day, And heartless oft like moodv madness stare To see the [)hantom trains their secret work prepare. On tlie summit of Benarty, in Fifeshirc, there were formerly held games in which the Fifeshire herdsmen and those of tiie neighbouring counties were the 152 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. performers. These came to the phice of meetuig accom- panied by tlieir wives, daui^hters, and sweethearts ; and there being- no lack of provisions, the fete was kept up for a few days, the revellers bivouackini^ during the night. Their chief games were the golf, the football, and the U^ids (a pledgee or hostage). They had a lively time while it lasted. Funerals used to be lively too. In general, three services were given ; two glasses of wine and one of whisky or rum. Formerly, vast numbers of the friends and neighbours assembled to see the "chesting" or body put into the coftln. After which they generally drank tea, perhaps in the same room with the coffin. Not unfrequently dancing- as well as music followed part of these entertainments at Highland funerals, and when such a pastime was indulged in, to the relatives of the deceased was assigned the honour of opening the ball. While engaged in the duty of watching the dead prior to the funeral, the more sedate Lowlander generally contined himself to a silent process of drinking. The convivialities attendant on the death of a Highland chieftain in some instances proved nearly ruinous to his descendants. A succession of "Services" such as tiiese in vogue in Avondale and Carluke, were common amongst the poorer classes in later times, and until very recently it was customary for crowds of beggars to come to the house from which a funeral had just departed, and receive the pence put aside for that benevolent purpose. The Souters of Selkirk had a singular custom at the conferring the freedom of the burgh. Four or live bristles, such as are used by shoemakers, are attached to the seal of the burgess ticket. These the new made burgess must dip in his wine and pass thiough his AULD FAR RANT CLSTO.MS. 'o.> mouth "in token of respect for the Souters of Selkirk. A custom supposed to commemorate the passage of Malcohn Canmore and Queen Margaret is still observed at Queensferrv. A man or lad clad loosely in flannels stuck over with burs perambulates the town and collects monev, which is equally divided and spent at the fair by the youths engaged in the expedition. Handfasting (hand-in-fist) was in vogue, to a very limited extent, in some remote districts thirty years ago. Before the Reformation the custom was pretty general. Mr. E. J. Guthrie, author of " Old Scottish Customs," to whom I am very much indebted for the matter in this chapter, writes : — It was supposed to have originated from the want of Clergy, but from habit was continued by the people after the Reformation had supplied tluMii with ministers. According to tradition, a spot at the junction of waters known as the Black and White ICsk, was remarkable in former times for an annual fair which had been held there from time immemorial, but whicii exists no longer. At that fair it was customary for the unmarried of both sexes to choose a companion, accord- ing to their fancy, with whom to live till that time next j'ear. If the parties remained pleased with each other at the expiry of the term of probation, the\" remained to- gether for life ; if not, tliey separated, and were free to provide themselves with another partner. From tlie various monasteries priests were sent into the surround- ing districts to look after all hand-fasted persons, and to bestow the nuptial benediction on those who were willing to receive it. Thus, when Kskdale belonged to the Abbey of Melrose, a priest on whom was bestowed the n.nme, " Book-i-the-bosom," eitiier because he carried a prayer book in his bosom, or perhaps a register of the marriage, came from time to linu' to confirm the irregular union 154 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. contracted at tliis fair. This singular custom was known to have been sometimes taken advantage of by persons of rank. Lindsay, in liis account of the reign of James II., says, "that James, Sixth Earl of Murray, had a son by Isabel Innes, daughter of the Laird of Innes, Alexander Dunbar, a man of singular wit and courage. This Isabel was but liand-fasted to him, and deceased before the- marriage." If either of the parties insisted on a separa- tion, and a child was born during the year of trial, it was. to be taken care of b}' the father only, and to be ranked among his lawful children next after his heirs. The off- spring was not treated as illegitimate, because the custom was justified being such, and instituted with a view of making way for a peaceful and happy marriage. Such was also the power of custom, that the apprenticeship for matrimon}- brought no reproach on the separated lady ; and, if her character was good, she was entitled to an equal match as though nothing had happened. It is said that a desperate feud ensued between the clans of Macdonald of Sleat, and Macleod of Dunvegan, owing to the former chief having availed himself of this licence to- send back the sister or daughter of the latter. Macleod, resenting the indignity, observed, " that since there was- no wedding bonfire there should be one to solemnize the divorce." Accordingly, he burned and laid waste the territories of the Macdonalds, who retaliated, and a dread- ful feud with all its horrors took place in consequence. I remember well of it being a custom in Caithness some thirty odd years ago to engage a sweetheart for the harvest season. Riding' the marches was requisite when written docu- ments were in constant danger of being destro3-ed. The magistrates and members of council, accompanied by large numbers of citizens, mounted and unmounted,. AULD FAR RANT CUSTOMS. 155 steeds gaily caparisoned, riders also decorated, drums beating- and brass instruments giving forth sounds more or less discordant, marched around boundaries to see that no encroachments had been made. The proceedings usually concluded with horse races, games and general amusement. At Lanark the marches were ridden on the Lamas or Landsmark day. A custom existed : — All persons who attended for the first time were ducked in the river Ususs, in the channel of which one of the march-stones is placed ; and horse and foot races for a pair of spurs take place upon the moor. The burgh of Lanark from a very early date possessed an extensive and valuable piece of land in the neighbourhood, which in the old charters is designated territortim Inirgi, and it was the duty of the magistrates, burgesses, and freemen to perambulate the march of their territory, after which a report was drawn up stating that the March stones had been found in their ancient position ; this was signed by the witnesses, magistrates, and transmit led to the Exchequer. This custom is still kept up, although many modern innovations have crept into the ceremony. Riding the marches was \ery nice in its wav ; riding the stang was not conducive to the comfort of the principal actor. When an\' husband was known to beat his wift.', and when this offence was long continued, while the wife's character was known to be spotless, the women entered into a conspiracy to execute vengeance on the culprit. Having fixed on a particular day for the prosecution of their design, they suddenly assembled in a great crowd and seized the offending party, they taking care at the same time to provide a stout beam of wood upon which they set him astride, and bore him aloft, his legs tied beneath. He was then carrird in di'rision through the village attended by the hoolings, scolluigs, and hisses of 1^6 SCOTTISH LIFP: AND HUMOUR. his numerous attendants, who pulled down his legs so as to render his position a very uneasy one. The grown up men in the meantime remained at a distance and avoided interfering in the matter. Marriage custonis vary very much. Mr. Guthrie tells how in the Parish of Logierait, Perthshire, immediately before the celebration of the marriage ceremony, every knot about the bride and bridegroom's dress, garters, shoe-strings, petticoat-strings, etc., was carefulh' loosed. After leaving the church liie wliole compan}- walked round it, keeping the church walls carefull}- on their right hand. The bridegroom, however, first retired one way with some young me^i to tie the knots that were loosed about him ; while the bride in the same manner with- drew to put her array in order. In Ayshire and some parts of the Border a " creeling " took place on the second day after a wedding. The newly-married couple and the marriage party generally assembled in a field, where they had abundance of innocent amusement. The young men carried a creel, of which they were quickly relieved by the young maidens, who, however, declined to do similar service for the married man. He had to bear the burden till the wife of his bosom came to the rescue. The custom was sup- posed to be emblematic of the troubles which afflict the jnarried man and which may be relieved by a good wife. Creeling was observed at I*)ccles in a somewhat different way from other parishes. Once a year, or oftener, according" to circumstances, all the men who had been married within the previous twelve months were creeled. With baskets, or creels, fastened on to their shoulders, they ran at full speed from their own houses to those of their nearest newly-married neighbours, pursued by the unmarried men, who endeavoured to fill the baskets with AULD FARRAXT CUSTOMS. 157 stones, while tlu' wives followed afler willi Icnives, slriv- ini>- to relieve them of their burdens by severint^ the ropes whicli attached the creels to their persons. Penny weddini^s were common all over Scotland amony the poorer classes. They were frequently a nuisance. Per- haps some may be found to say the same of the present system of marriage presents. For superstition fishermen are easily first. In the Parish of Avoch we are told that in order to thwart the power of witchcraft when the bridegroom's party arrived at tlie church door, the best man untied tlie shoe upon the left foot of the bridegroom, and formed a cross with a nail or a knife upon the right hand side of the door — the shoe remaining untied. The following looks very silly nowadays : — On one occasion there were three marriages to take place on one day. The friends of the parties, according to custom, waited upon the minister previously to engage his ser- vices. Tlu-y were assured he should be in readiness, and requested them to fix upon a convenient hour for the three parties to be married at once. Tiie men looked grave, shook their heads, and said nothing. The minister, entiirely at a loss to understand this sudden gravity of countenance, the shaking of the heads, and the profound silence, begged tlu'm to explain their singular conduct. After some delay and hesitation upon their part, he was given to understand that were the three parties to be married at once, the consequences might be most serious, for tlu're would be a struggle made by each party to get first out of the church, luiieving as tliey did that the party who contrived to be first would carry olY the blessing. To prevent the contention that might take place under such circumstances, the minister oflered to marry each party in succession. Hut next came thi' question of precedence. 158 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. a delicate and dllTicult point at all times to settle, at least to every one's satisfaction, a point the deputies acknowledged they were quite unable to decide. This is not to be wondered at, considering that each party was anxious to be married first. After mature deliberation the minister thought fit to propose that the parties first contracted should be the first married. The proposal was unanimously agreed to, and the three couples were married on the Sunday following, in succession, especial care being taken that neither of the parties sliould meet the other on the way to and from the church, because it would be considered nnluchy. Perhaps it may not be out of place here to mention that the ancient bell which formerly rung the good people of St Monance to churcli, and which hung sus- pended from a tree in the churchyard, was removed every year from that position during the herring season, the fishermen entertaining the superstitious belief that the fish were scared away from the coast by its noise. A man was found asleep in a ditch, and on being wakened up, and having been asked where he had been, replied he did not know whether it was a wedding or a funeral, but it was a grand success. Our ancestors attended to the creature comforts at all important functions, and the last was not the least. Ten in the morning was understood to be the time of assembling, and two or three in the afternoon as that of " lifting," and the intervening time was occupied in treating with " services " the various individuals as they arrived, these services being interspersed with admonitions, lengthened prayers and graces. When the mingled worship and entertainment terminated, the people proceeded to the churchyard after a scout, stationed on a rising ground In the neighbourhood, gave intimation that no additional AULD FARRAXT CUSTOMS. 159 mourner was seen approacliiiii^ thu place of meeting". Naesmith Simpson was schoolmaster in Atlielstaneford, East Lotiiian, from about 1822. At first lie was very successful, but, as a voracious writer, Mr. John Marline, remarks, "'The monotony of daily school teaching" and want of a judicious wife to attend to his house comforts drove him to indulge in the ' drappie.' He frequently travelled into Haddington on a Saturday, and did not return until the Sunday night, for fear of crossing the Cogtail Burn." The minister and Kirk-Session did not approve of this, and in support of his application for a situation in Peebles, which they fervently wished him to g;et, gave him an excellent testimonial, stating how he was " exemplary, steady in his habits, and of good character." With such good feeling shown towards him, and his talents being; so highly appreciated, he could not think of leaving .Athelstaneford. Ultimately he retired on an allowance. By his will he left directions that he was to be burled In Lyne Churchyard, beside his kindred. A through stone was to be put above his grave, a hearse, with four horses, was to convey his body from Hadding- ton to Lyne, with two mourning coaches, and a jar containing two gallons of whiskey for refreshment on the road and to treat the company at the grave. Several people mentioned were to accompany his body to Lyne. The company were to stop and refresh themselves at every public-house they came to, out and home. Tranent was to be the first place to call at. A special funeral dinner was to be provided. Untoward events jiappened at Lyne. The hearse, on account of the narrow and bad road, could not get near the (^'hurchyard. The grave had been dug too narrow, and had to be widened. The old through stone was too hea\y to be placed above the grave. The company and movuning coaches did not i6o SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. come to Haddini^'ton for two days after the funeraL In some districts no matter how distant any part of the parish was from the place of interment, it was customary for the attendants to carry the coffin on hand-spokes. The mode of invitation was by a special messenger. This was styled "bidding- to the funeral." No person was invited by letter. The form of words used were, "You are desired to come to 's funeral to-morrow ag-ainst ten o'clock." Althougli asked for that early hour the funeral never took place until the evening. In Hawick one of the burgh officers paraded the different districts ringing a bell, and announcing the death, at the same time giving a general Invitation to the funeral. The bell was then taken to the house of mourning, and placed on the bed where tiie dead body lay. To remove it before the time appointed for the interment was considered sacriligious. In the Western Islands, where people had few excuses for meeting together, a funeral was a blessing, but not unmixed. During the wake, and especially on the day of interment, such a quantity of meat and drink was dis- tributed as kept the nearest surviving relatives for several years in the greatest poverty in order to pay for them. Then, again, such a quantity of whisky was drunk in the church or churchyard after the interment that the people often forgot the solemnity of the occasion which had brought them together, and renewed former feuds and discussions, and fought fiercely amid the graves of their ancestors. A violent reaction, however, has taken place In the feelings and customs of the Inhabitants in regard to the obsequies of their friends ; and the change in regard to marriages is equally great. Formerly from eighty to a hundred persons used to assemble and pass, at least two days in feasting and dancing. Now the AILI) FARKAXT C'LSTOMS. i6i j^ufsts are few in number, and llu- refreshnienls are not lavish. In some parts of Shetland it was customary to burn the straw on which a dead body had lain, and to examine tin- ashes narrowly, from the belief that the print of the individual's foot wiio was next to be carried to the j^rave would be discovered. The straw was set on fire when the body was lifted and the funeral company leaving the house. As the procession was passing the b3'standers threw three clods, one by one, after the corpse. An old Western Islands custom was to hang a he-goat to the boat's mast, in order to secure a favourable wind. On the eve of St. Michael the islanders of lona brought all their horses to a small green hill whereon stood a circle of stones surrounding a cairn. Round this hill they all made tlie turn sunwise, thus unwittingly dedicat- ing their horses to the sun. The following custom prevailed in the Island of Skye during the course of last century. The farmer who had first finished his reaping sent a man or a maiden with a bundle of corn to his next neighbour, wlio iiad not yet reaped down his harvest. He, in his turn, when finished, sent a similar bundle to his neighbour, who was behind with his work, and so on until all the corn was cut down. This sheaf was called an gaolbir bhaeagh, and was intended to convey a rebuke to the farmer for being so slow in comparison with his neighbours. The person wiio took upon himself the task of leaving the an gaoJbir bhaeagh at the house of the dilatory farmer was obliged to make good his retreat in case of his being caught, otherwise he would have experi- enced a sound thrashing for his pains. Two old customs which still remain are the burning of the " Clavie " at Burghead, and " Kate Kennedy's Dav '" at St. Andrews L'niversiiy. ll appears that from that i62 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. vague date, " time inimeiiiorial," the seafaring folks of Burghead met on Yule Night at the west end of the town carrying an old barrel and other combustible materials. This barrel having been sawn in two, the lower half is nailed into a long spoke of firewood which serves for a handle. This nail must not he struck by a hammer but driven in with a stone. The half barrel is then filled with dry wood saturated with tar, and built up like a pyramid, leaving only a hollow to receive a burning peat, for no lucifer match must he applied. A fresh libation of tar completes the " Clavie," which is shouldered by one of the lads, quite regardless of the streams of burning tar which, of course, trickle down his back. Should the bearer stumble or fall, the consequences would be unlucky indeed to the town and to himself. When weary of his burden a second is ready to fill the honoured post, and then a third and a fourth, till the " Clavie " has made a circuit of the town, when it is carried to a hillock called the Doorie, where a hollowed stone receives the fire .spoke. Fresh fuel is added, and in olden times the blaze continued all night and at length was allowed to burn itself out untouched. Now, after a short interval, (he "Clavie" is thrown down the western side of the hill, and a desperate scramble ensues for the burning brands, possession of which is accounted to bring good luck, and the embers are carried home and carefully preserved till the following year, as a safeguard against all manner of evil. A writer in the Scots Pictorial (December 25th, 1897) says: — Formerly the "Clavie" was carried out to the harbour and round about the shipping. We were told that this has been done only once within the last quarter of a century. On this occasion a Norwegian ship, which had put into port disabled, was on the eve of starting .\ULD FARRANT CUSTOMS. 163 fortli a^iiiii, repaired and laden with a carijo of grain. " For luck," she received a baptism of tire from the " Clavie," and was re-named the " Dourie." Alas! for the superstition, she went aground at Donmouth, Aber- deenshire, and became a total wreck. The " Clavie " is always spoken of as " she." The more serious people of the town are inclined to say that the ancient ceremony, however it originated, has now degenerated into an excuse for a drinking bout. The custom, however, is so deeply rooted in the hearts of the fisliermen that it would be far wiser to regulate and restrain any tendency to orgie, than to attempt to eradicate the practice. They preserve every detail of ritual with most jealous con- servatism. Once a rumour got about that there was some intention of obstructing the proceedings by filling up the hole on tlie altar-stone. Thereupon the fishermen look turns of watching by day and by night, to see that this was not done. An attempt was made to get the ceremony performed on New Year's Kve (new style), but this was simply ignored. It seems that antiquarians have never pronounced with authority on the origin and significance of this singular custom. All external evidence is lost. The balance of internal evidence seems to connect it with Druidical worship. The carrying home of the embers, and other details of the ceremonj-, correspond with what we know of Druidical ritual. On the other hand, there are those who associate this custom with the occupation of the Romans, asserting that the word "Clavie" is derived from the Latin " Clavus," a nail;. while some regard it as a mere survival of forgotten witch-burnings, and others give it a Scandinavian origin and make it some sort of Viking signal. " Kate Kennedy's Day" has for a very long time been celebrated bv the fourth vear students at St. .Andrews i64 SCOTTISH LIFE AND HUMOUR. Uni\erslty in the last week of February or the beginning" of March. Tlie students, in fancy and historic attire, form a procession, the leading performer, Kate Kenned\', being dressed in female garb, mounted on horseback, and attended by a mounted escort. Of course there is music — of a kind — at the head of the procession. The cavalcade draws up first in the quadrangle, where Kate receives a congratulator}- address. It then proceeds to the houses of the different professors and cheers and hoots as disposed. Strict order is not a distinguishing character- istic of the celebration. Dr. Charles Rogers says that the origin of tliis celebration is involved in some doubt. It seems to combine the honours paid in Romish times to the memor}- of St. Catherine, with a public recognition of the good services of the pious James Kennedy, Bishop of the See, who founded St. Salvator's College in 1455. A bell was placed in the college steeple by Bishop Kennedy who dedicated it to St. Catherine. This was recast the third time in 1686, when a procession attended its sus- pension. I N I) E X Adnick, Scotchniaii's, i. All I'ools' Day, 19, 20. Auld Kirk, real, 60. A)toun, I'rofessor, 54. llMi.iK, an obliging, 71. ]}ailie, given to malaproiiisiiis, 70, 71, 117. P.ailies, " burgliotic," 76. Hailies and the " deid chack," 70. Hailie's dignity, 70. Ijalfour, Rt. Hon. A. J., 145, 149. iilackie, Professor, 13. ]5odie, a, done hy a quiet woman from the country, 72. Plains, man's, in his arm, 120. Pridegrooni, a resigned, 121. Cannin1';ss, examples of, 94, 95. Cauld kail, r. Charact(;ristics — sternness, 16, 6r. Children, how brought up, loo. Children, c|uaint sayings of, loi. Clavie burning, 161. Consolation, 149. Cook, Dr., of Haddington, 4. Country people think townspeojjle try to make fun of them, 97. Covenanters, sternness of, 16. Cremation, 38. Cricket, 128. Curler's court, 130-1^6. Curler's grip, 136. Curling, 127, 128, 129, 130. Custom, name person after his locality, 2. Daft Wii.i.n'. SMini, 90. Dairyman, honest, 119. Dancing, 127. Death, a happy, 120. " Didna lose it here," 91. Disagreeable thing to be done, 5. Drams, 81, 1 13. Dundas despotism, 9. Ei.dkk's Cu.vning, 42. Klders, difference between Aukl and I'n-e Kiik, 57, 58, 59. Fiction, reception of, 16. Fiddler and shoemaker, 109. Fighting by candlelight, 122. I'"ishermen and superstition, 157, 158. Football, 127. Forty-three, the, different points of view, 55, 56, 57, 59, 60. French in Edinburgh, 122. Fun, deein' for, 126. Fun, reporter and, 126. Funerals, lively, 152, 159, 160. Gigs, 20, 21. Glasgow folks, 117. Golf, 127, 138, 140, 141. Golf, literature of, 137. Golf caddies, 139, 141, 142, 143, '44, 14s, 147. 148. Golf caddie, wooden. 147. Golf notable, match, 138. Golf, Sir Hope Grant and, 137. Golf, the city of, 138. Golfers' language, 143, 144. (jolfers monopolising ground, 143. Golfers not gentlemen, 140. Golf pronimciation, 150. Grace, a hurried, 103. Gi-ammar, bad, 120. Guthrie, Rev. Dr., 13, 14, 48, 120. INDEX. Hamilton-, Dukk of, 57. Ilandfasting, 153. Harvesting in Skve, 161. Hawkie, 81. Heaven, people who don't want to go to, 5. "Hell," 148. Hens' conference, 73. Highland attitude, 124. Highland inn, where to spit, 4. Honesty, 125. Horses dedicated to the sun, 161. INQUISITIVENF.SS, 98. Jkalousies, burgh, 76, 77, 78. jokes, original, 2. " Juist an acquaintance." 90. Katf, Kennedy's Day, 161, 163. Kirriemuir, 80. Knox, Mr Thomas, 112. L.VOY, old, and flies, 4. Lady, old, and the elopement, 15. Lady, old, and the villain who kissed and told, 14. Lang, Willie's boast, 89. Law, Sergeant, 66. Lockwood, Sir Frank, 2. MACLEOD, Dk. Norman, 13, 16, 56, 116. Marches, riding the, 154, 155. Marriage customs, 156, 157. Masson, Professor, 9, 12. Master and servant, relations be- tween, 105, 106, 107, 108. Minister as coin extractor, 8. Minister gives severe rebuke, 29. Minister, characteristics, 27, 37. Ministers and parishioners, 29, 30, 31. 32. 33. 36. 119- . , , Minister, moderate, suitable wife for, 59. Ministers and read sermons, 28. Ministers as examples, 44. Ministers, difference among 27, 28. Ministers' failings, known, 33. Ministers, human, 33. Muiisters sat upon, 34, 35, 118. Ministers, young, 34. Morris, Tom, 139. No Use in Getting Excited, 96. Old Age, 6. Old soldier, 68, 69. Oratorio, miner at the, 98. Outrani, George, 81. Paisley, 80. Parsimoniousness, examples of, 92, 93- Patriotism. 79. Pipers, stories of, 104. Pitcairn in church, 13. Ploughman wi' bee in Vionnet, 90. Poacher and the Sheriff. 18. Poacher's prayer, 25. Poacher, used to be poetical, 17, 18. Poet, self-important, 116. Praying, a deceiving art, 42, 43. Praying, a fine art, 25. Prayin' kind, 17. Precentors and choirs. 44. 45. 118. Professors, stories of, no, in. Pronunciation, varieties of, 22, 23, 24- Qleensferry, old custom at. 153. Ramsay's Reminiscences, i. 9. Readiness, examples of, 96, 97. Rosebery, Lord, on golf, 149. Ross, Colonel, 66. Sabbath, Duke of Argyle and the. 48. Sabbath in Ross-shire. 48. 49. Sabbath and satisfied conscience, 49. Sabbath observance changes. 50. Sabbath, the golf caddie and the, 49. .Sanctimoniousness. 12. Sandy Smith, 145, 146, 147. .Scarlet woman, 3. Scott, Sir \N'a!ter, " a leear," 16. Sexton and his trade, 38, 39. Sexton and Englishman, 40. Sexton who paid his debt, 40. INDEX. Sexton's pleasant expression, 39. .Shoemaker's love of truth, log. .Smart, Rev. Dr., 99. Smuggler who would take payment in Bibles, 112. .Society at Montrose, 11. .Society, classes of, 11. .Souters o' Selkirk, 152. .St. .Andrew's Day celebration, 85. St. Valentine's Day, 18. .Stevenson, \V. G. , 3. .Stolidity, example of, 15. .Stoops, important, 41. .Stories desire to wander, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 122. .Sydney .Smith in Edinburgh, 13. I'.MI.OKS, stories of, 109, no. Text-choosing, 113, 114, 115. Tongue, atrocities on Scottish, 26. 'I'ongue, effectiveness of Scottish, 25, 26. Tongue in harmony with scenery, etc., 22. Tweeddale, Marquis of, 67. Voi.UNTEER, a weighty, 6£. \'olunteer casualty, 66. X'olunteer movements of 1794, 1803, 1859 — 62. \'olunteer officer whose breeks were wounded, 67. Voliuiteer war horse, 61. \'olunteers, Crieff Daft Company, 62. \'olunteers hit a horse, 65. Volunteers, difficulties with officers, 63. 64. Volunteers, Irish, 62. \'olunteers, Porteous's hole, 64. W'f.athkk, shoory, shoory, 50. " We'll shift the station," 116. \\'emyss. Earl of, 65. Western Islands customs, 161. \\'ilchcraft, 151, 157. VoLNG Mk.n's Wisdom, 14. Telephone No. 8. Telegrams— "M'Neill, Haddington." Lammer Law BLEND OF Old Scotch H I S K Y. BEST VALUE IN THE MARKET. THIS is a whisky that from its ai^e, and beino;- matured in Sherry Wood, comprises a rich mellowness and choice bouquet, which has met the approval of and secured the highest recommendations from the most fastidious connoisseurs. NET PRICE, I8s. PER GALLON. Sent in Casks, Jars, or i Dozen Cases, securely packed, to all parts of the World. Bonded Warehouse — ■ 8 CUSTOMS BOND, LEITH. AxAi.vTicAi, Lakokatory, Surgeons' Hall, Ei)iNBURG}i, 2gth Jan. i8g8. I have carefully examined a sample of Mr. Martin M'Neill's Lammer Law Blend of Fine Old Scotch Whisky, and find the same to be composed of fine old and well matured spiiits, of full strength and great purity. W. INl.SON MACADAM, I'".k.S.K., J'M.C, F.C.y., etc., Aiiah'ticnl and Consulting Chemist. ;<•< WHISKY IVIERCHANT, HADDINGTON. THE HERITAGE OF JSURNS. Bv WILLIAM ROBERTSON TL'RXBULL, AUTHOR o:-" " oTHKi.LO : A (RiiKAi. .srLi:)V," i;tc. Cro7(.'/i (?<■(;., .120 pawl's, price 6s 6d. "It is a contribution to Hnins literature which has both sterling value and beauty of form. . . . \ word of praise is due to the ■outward aspect of a book which, although the product of the provinces, would do no discredit in type, paper, and printing to any 1 )ress. " — Scot sill a >i . "The author is always eloc|uent and sympathetic, and gencrall)' just and discriminating as well." — Cilasg07i.< Heiald. " I'Yoni Haddington comes a work entitled 'The Heritage of Biu"ns,' which deserves to rank as one of the most suggestive pieces of Burns's critical literature. Mr. Henley has spoken of Burns as a parochial poet. Much of the criticism of Burns has been of the parochial tyjjc. 'i'he author of the present work, Mr. TurnbuU, lifts the subject into the region of scientific criticism."- — Edinburgh Evening Nc-ii'S. "The year has been prolific in new editions and in books bearing upon the poet's life, letters, sources of inspiration, and works. The latest, best, and most interesting from the literary and psychical point •of view has just been published by Nb". William Sinclair, of Hadding- ton." — Belfast Evening Telegraph. " Of the ' Burns year ' one of the most noteworthy and enjoyable products is a book that will be welcome to all Burns's lovers." — Northern Whig, Belfast. " The most important contribution to the flood of Burns's literature which has swept over the countiy in this death centenary year." — Benoicksh ire A'e'ics. " I question if there has ever been issued from the provincial press a better-looking volume than that on 'The Heritage of Burns." — ■George I^ttrick writing in the Dumfries and Gallaiuay Courier and Herald. " The book is a really valuable conlril)ution to Burns's literature." --///• Advertiser. " An exceptionally well got up book." — . Iberdee/i Free Press. " I think Mr. Turnbull has made a most substantial addition to the literature of the subject by tliis full and ajipreciative study. The book impresses one, not only by the wide reafling it shows, but by its understanding of the new life that Burns put into .Scottish literature. 1 am very glad that liurns has found a new and thoroughly under- standing critic. "—Mr. R. B. Haldane, Q.C., M.P. HADDINGTON: \VILLI.\M SINCLAIR. EEMINISCENCES OF EAST LOTHIAN. Bv THE LATE JOHN MARTINE. AUTHOR OF " RICMIMSCENXES OE EAST LOTHIAN PARISHES," "REMINISCENCES OF THE BIRGH OF HADDINGTON," "REMINISCENCES OF THE PORT OF EEITH," ETC. Croii'/i Svo. , price j.v. The parishes included in the new volume are: — Pencaitland, Salton,. W'hittinghanie, Stenton, Spott, Dunbar, Innerwick, Prestonpans, Gladsmuir, Oldhamstocks. "At the time of his death Mr. Martine had written of all the parishes- \vith the exception of the last two. This work was undertaken by Mr. E. J. Wilson, Holton, a distinguished antiquarian. He also revised all the MS. left by Mr. Martine. This new volume, with the com- panion volume already published, co\ers the county of Kast Lothian. A biographical sketch and portrait of the author are included in the new volume. " It was his (Mr. Martina's) intention to complete his survey of the- history and the surface of the county, keeping his eye, as before, especially upon the incidents and persons associated with East Lothian farming industry, and through a happy work of co-operation the wish has been fulfilled." — Scofsma/i. "This volume continues and concludes a work devoted to reminis- cences of all the parishes in Kast Lothian. 'J'he- sketches are but short, but they are carefully put together, and will doubtless be appreciated." — Glasgow Herald. . "The book contains a great deal of curious material, personal and otherwise, of much \n\.v:r>i'il."—Edii/l>/irg/i Eve>ii/ig Ne-u's. "An entertaining and useful book has been compiled. Mv. Marline's work gives token of much patient research, and is written in a quaint and not unpleasing s,\.y\(i."—D/ii/dec Advertiser. " Will be a source of interest to old Haddingtonians, who will find in them recollections of days and forms that have long since gone the- way of all things nunidane. The book has been ably and sympathetic- ally edited by Mr. K. J. Wilson, and bears as a frontispiece a very excellent collotype portrait of the author." — Haddingtonshire Cauricr. HADDINGTON : WILLIAM SINCLAIR. GLEANINGS IN THE NORTH. By D a \' I n S T K P H E N. siccoM) i;di riox. Crmi'ti Svo., price 2s 6d. " The peculiar ecclesiastical genus of man still met with in Wick and Caithness is hit off with truth atid humour in these pages. The poems are not less characteristic of Caithness. " — Scotsman. "A volume of exceptional interest and charm. A more cjuaint and amusing collection it would be difficult to find. Evcybody who takes an interest in the development of curious .Scotch character will read Mr. Stephen's work with relish. "^.S"a'/'//.f/! Leader. "A volume of reminiscences of notable worthies belonging to Caith- ness. Many of the characters written of by the aged author have long since passed away, but natives of the north will be pleased to renew acquaintance with them in these pages." — G/asgozc Herald. " Most entertaining reading. There is a vein of dry humour run- ning throughout his free-and-easy style that constitutes one of the most charming features of the book. ' Peelans,' ' Boustie," and ' Moozie ' are real ' character ' sketches, and the side-1'ghts thrown upon such men as Hugh Miller and Robert Dick, of Thurso, would of themselves give both interest and value to the book." — Dundee Advertiser. " It is a curious and extremely interesting record of the sayings and doings of Caithness worthies and 'characters.'" — Xorthern Ensign. " The subjects of the various sketches are mostly drawn from the County of Caithness, but the work will appeal to a larger constituency throughout the entire nortli, and each page is well worthy of perusal." — Koss-skire Journal. "The work is one which every Caithness man should possess." — Caithness Courier. '•We cordially recommend the volume." — John o' Groat Journal. HADDINGTON: WIIJ.IAM SINCLAIR. SINCLAIR'S PICTORIAL GUIDE TO HADDINGTON. The work includes a grapliic deseiiption of the objects of interest in the Burgh, descriptive and historical articles from the pens of Francis Watt, Esq., liarrister at law; James Purves, S.S.C., and others. A history of the burgh compiled from Miller's ' Lamp of Lothian ' and original sources. Recollections by the late John Richai'dson, Esq., solicitor, Haddington. Some priceless engravings by the late ^b■. Adam Neill, and illustrations by eminent artists. " Answers all the purposes of a \isitor to the town and many of those of a historical inciuii-ei". It has descriptive articles l)y Mr. Frank Watt and Mr. James I'urves, and, on the whole, stands out toinpicuously among books of its class as a useful and interesting guide. ' ' — Scotsman. " Deals in a succinct mannei- with the notabilities and landmarks of the eastern county." — Edinburgh Evening Dispatch. ' ' Xot the least interesting part of the book is that occupied by well written descriptive articles by literary Haddingtonians." — Edinburgh Evening A'e^vs. "As useful as it is interesting, and gives much information about a jilace in which holiday makers might profitably spend a day at least." — Bcrioickshire News. "Contains much valuable information regarding local histor)'." — People's Journal. "The 'Pictorial Guide to Haddington' does full justice to the ' Lamp of Lothian ' and its surroundings." — Xorth British Economist. H.ADDINCITON : WILLI.X.M .SINCL.MR & Co. BATTLES OF DUXP.AIl AND PEESTONrANS. B V J A M E S L I' M S D K X. Price 4s. LIFE OF BOB CAELISLM WRITTEN r,V HIMSELF Cnnc'ii Svo., price /s. HADDINGTON: WII.I.LXM .SINCLAIR. THE The best medium in East Lothian and the South-East of Scotland. Published every Friday. Price One Penny. E^st Ixothian Visiter ( lisiahlished as A'oith Bcncuk Advertiser jS'jo.) Contains lists of visitors to the numerous \vaterini>; places of East Lothian. Over _'o,ooo visitors come to the county each year. The Visiter may be seen in all the principal hotels, clubs, and liydropathics throuj^hout Scotland. Published ox \Vei>nesd.\vs. Price One Penny. HADDINGTON : SINCLAIR c\: CO., MARKET ST (V^itchcll Bpos., Ltd., ^! DISTILLERS. %- >0: ■^-^s^ .SCOTCH V\/HISKIES: THE CELEBRA TED "HEATHER DEW "GLENOGLE" •'SPECIAL RESERVE." 93-99 HOLM ST., GLASGOW. Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. OCT 2 3 195^ Form L9-10m-3,'48(A7920)444 THE L! BRAKY UNlVERSn V OF CALIFORNIA and humour. 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