THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 THE LEISURE OF 
 AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL
 
 Photo: Lekcgian C~ Co., Cairo. 
 
 COLOXKL LORI) KDVVARD CECIL, K.C.M.G, D.S.O.
 
 THE LEISURE OF 
 AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 BY THE LATE 
 
 LORD EDWARD CECIL 
 
 K.C.M.G., D.S.O. 
 
 HODDER AND STOUGHTON 
 LIMITED LONDON
 
 Cop 
 
 FOREWORD 
 
 THESE sketches were written by Lord Edward 
 Cecil at various times during the eighteen years 
 of his service in Egypt. ' My Daily Life ' and 
 most of the other papers, including the unfinished 
 ' Going on Leave,' belong to a period long 
 anterior to the War. Only two of them, ' Lord 
 Kitchener ' and ' An Official Correspondence,' are 
 of comparatively recent date. 
 
 Though they were only written for the amuse- 
 ment of his family, it is thought that these 
 pictures of the lighter side of Egyptian life may 
 be of interest to a wider public. The characters 
 introduced are, of course, not drawn from any 
 individuals. 
 
 July}l92l. 
 
 30S7211
 
 . CHAP IE 
 
 Y 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 MY DAILY LIFE 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 OFFICE PART I 14 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 OFFICE PART II 30 
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 COUNCIL V . 55 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH. .... 70 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 GOLF ... 89 
 
 COMMITTEE * . 102 
 
 vii
 
 viii THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 PAGE 
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER . . . . .117 
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 EVENING PARTY . . . . . . .134 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 SUPPER PART I . . . . . .145 
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 SUPPER PART II . . . . . . .158 
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 MY DREAM ..... 176 
 
 A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 
 
 181 
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 197 
 
 AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE 221 
 
 GOING ON LEAVE 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 PRELIMINARY 229 
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 PACKING, ETC. ....... 244
 
 CONTENTS ix 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 PAGE 
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID . 253 
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 GOING ON BOARD ....... 272 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 DINNER ON BOARD ....... 285 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 AT SEA : MORNING ....... 290 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 AT SEA : AFTERNOON ...... 801 
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 AT SEA : EVENING ....... 306 
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 MARSEILLES . . . . . . . .311 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 MARSEILLES TO PARIS ... . 317 
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 PARIS TO CALAIS 327
 
 MY DAILY LIFE 
 
 Here lies a fool who tried to hustle the East.' 
 
 RUDYABD KIPLING.
 
 CHAPTER I 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 
 
 MY first sensation in the morning is usually a con- 
 fused impression of noise. It is often combined 
 or half combined with my dreams. There is an 
 earthquake, and the house is falling. There is 
 a battle, and they are shelling the house. As my 
 consciousness returns, I become aware that it is 
 my servant. 
 
 He is four foot odd high, and weighs about as 
 much as a big retriever dog, but he makes more 
 row than a giant. He has never yet come into 
 my room of a morning without falling foul of 
 something. Sometimes it is the table, some- 
 times a chair, or sometimes he does his great 
 feat, which is to catch his foot, fall against the 
 table, upset my tea, and bang the door, all in 
 one movement. After years of careful prac- 
 tice, he has discovered how to drop a woollen 
 garment on a thick carpet, and make it sound 
 like a plank falling on a pavement. 
 
 He is a quaint personality belonging to a curious 
 people, people literally without a history. Older 
 than the old Egyptians, they have lived on 
 from the dawn of history as hewers of wood and 
 drawers of water, producing countless servants, 
 watchmen, grooms, and cooks, and no single 
 
 A
 
 2 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 man of eminence, or even partial eminence. 
 They are intelligent and, when not spoilt, 
 faithful and not devoid of some virtues, but 
 without that something which enables some 
 negroes even to rise to eminence among their 
 fellow- men. 
 
 I say they are, up to a point, virtuous when 
 they are not spoilt, but it must be remembered 
 that they are all more or less spoilt. They vary 
 in morals from the Pasha's old servant, who, 
 beyond the ordinary Eastern vices and petty 
 dishonesty, is quite respectable, to the outrage 
 on humanity who is taken on by the American 
 tourists for the winter. One of the most pleasing 
 sights we sojourners in the land see, is American 
 yoUng women chaffing men whom one would 
 not willingly speak to oneself, unless it was to 
 tell them to go away. 
 
 My retainer stands fairly high up the list, un- 
 like the servants of most of my friends. How 
 men who have been as long in the country as 
 Jones, Smith, and Robinson can employ the 
 ruffians they do, is a mystery to me. I think 
 it is because so few of us are really good judges 
 of character, or understand these people, or the 
 Egyptians, for that matter. I actually overheard 
 Jones alluding to my servant the other day in 
 very deprecatory language. I know he is not 
 perfect in any sense, but compared with Jones's 
 Ahmed, my Suleiman is an angel of light. 
 
 Having banged his way through tidying up 
 my room, the angel retires with a final crash, 
 and I resign myself to the inevitable getting up !
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 3 
 
 I proceed to get out of bed, and stroll out on 
 to the balcony according to my custom. It is 
 curious, if one lives alone, how one follows un- 
 consciously the same routine day after day. I 
 believe it is only the interference of others that 
 ever makes one change one's habits. 
 
 I feel sure that the view from my balcony 
 in the early morning is a subject of legiti- 
 mate pride, though why, it is hard to say; 
 probably because seeing anything in the early 
 morning, or even being awake then, is universally 
 admitted to be a matter for self-congratulation, 
 and possibly because it would have been clever 
 of me to find a lodging with such a view if I had 
 noticed it at the time I took it, which I did not. 
 When I first look there is, however, nothing to 
 be seen but masses of white mist lazily moving 
 in the light morning air. In a minute or two, 
 as the sun strikes over the hills behind me, and 
 the mist turns a delicate pink, in the far distance 
 the bright blue hills of the western desert begin 
 to show, and the horizon line is cut by the 
 pyramids, starting out of the sea of blushing 
 cloud. Incredibly quickly change follows change. 
 The cloud now turns to liquid translucent gold, 
 and through it dimly appear the feathery palms 
 and the graceful sails of the passing boats. In 
 a moment more the rising breeze has swept away 
 the cloud, and the houses round show again 
 their familiar but not beautiful forms. The 
 morning pageant is over, and though I have 
 seen it more times than I care to be reminded 
 of, it never finishes without causing me a slight
 
 4 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 pang of regret that anything so beautiful should 
 cease to be. 
 
 From below in the street a familiar noise 
 strikes on the ear. It is the early tram. I live 
 over a tram line, and in front of my abode the 
 line makes a curve which was obviously designed 
 by an optimist. Unless the driver slows down 
 to the pace of an ordinary beetle, the car goes 
 off the line. As no Egyptian ever profits by 
 experience, and as, when it is cold, he cannot 
 think at all, the early tram runs off the line five 
 days in seven. I watch it as it approaches, and, 
 sure enough, it goes off the line and pulls up. 
 The driver carefully gets on the brake, and 
 spreading his hands before him in the national 
 gesture of expostulation and complaint, calls 
 Heaven to witness that he is an unlucky man, 
 and that the company treats him like a dog. 
 The conductor, who has dismounted, joins in, 
 and they continue to bewail their lot until the 
 conductor hints that the driver was in fault. 
 The driver replies hotly that he was not, adding 
 that the conductor's relations are not respectable. 
 The passengers, who have also dismounted, form 
 a circle round the two, and after listening to a 
 short biographical sketch of the driver by the 
 conductor, take sides, and the row becomes 
 general. As the voices become shriller and 
 shriller in the fury of the quarrel, which has all 
 the appearance of being about to lead to blood- 
 shed, and which, in reality, would never lead to 
 the lightest blow, a sleepy policeman approaches 
 the group. Every one appeals to him, and he
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 5 
 
 with great impartiality abuses every one. He, 
 however, has the sense to suggest that the tram 
 ought to go on. The driver and the conductor, 
 still raging, admit this, and with the assistance 
 of the crowd shove the car back on to the lines 
 in that hopelessly unmethodical and eminently 
 successful manner pursued by Egyptians when 
 dealing with heavy weights. The driver and 
 conductor take their places, the passengers 
 scramble back to their seats, and the car jolts 
 away into the distance. 
 
 Seeing that it is getting late, and that I par- 
 ticularly want to be early at the office to-day, in 
 order to get the memorandum on the sale of 
 public lands on the instalment principle written 
 for the Adviser, and to look up the case of Hassan 
 Pasha Yghen's pension, which the Agency have 
 been asking about, I commence to wash and 
 dress. 
 
 The water of my bath is cold, and I bellow 
 for Suleiman ; he at once denies that it is cold, 
 but on my marching into the kitchen and point- 
 ing out that the boiler itself is barely warm, he 
 says it is a very bad boiler, for there has been a 
 roaring fire for the last two hours, and that the 
 amount of coal I use is a shame. There I agree, 
 but that is because I supply not only himself, 
 but his family and friends, who, apparently, 
 from my little bills, run a small blast furnace 
 somewhere. I open the fire door and point to 
 the half-consumed kindling wood which has not 
 had time to burn yet. Suleiman is horrified, 
 and says it is the other servant, who . . . and
 
 6 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 here follows, or would follow, the many iniquities 
 of that youth. I, however, cut matters short 
 with a denunciation of Suleiman and all his 
 works, and resign myself to a tepid bath. 
 
 When I have finished dressing I send for a 
 cab to go to the club, as I have given up break- 
 fasting in. Suleiman ' fancies ' himself as a cook, 
 but he is wrong. Whatever his natural talents 
 are in that direction, they have been obscured 
 by his desire to retire on a competency at an 
 early age. No cooking will reconcile me with 
 meat and eggs which belong to the fifth dynasty, 
 even if I pay restaurant prices for them. He 
 is aggrieved because he did not get my water 
 warm, and accompanies me to the cab in a state 
 of silent protest, and puts me into a prehistoric 
 vehicle which has apparently been up all night. 
 The driver, who has his head muffled up in a 
 shawl to protect him against the cold, without 
 waiting for orders, starts his horses off at a slow 
 amble in the wrong direction. When my voice 
 has penetrated the shawl, he slowly hauls them 
 round, beating them for not knowing the way, 
 and we proceed towards the club. 
 
 As usual, I appear to have got the worst cab 
 obtainable. That is because I told Suleiman to 
 get me one, and he charges too high a fee or com- 
 mission. This custom of giving tips or com- 
 mission runs through every class and every 
 transaction in this country, from the superior 
 irrigation engineer, who expects his ' present 5 
 from the landholder for giving him the water 
 he has a right to, to the office-keeper, who expects
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 7 
 
 a farthing tip from the poor petitioner who 
 wishes his complaint laid upon the great man's 
 table. Suleiman, who follows the custom of the 
 country most religiously, takes a commission on 
 everything he buys for me, and even from the 
 cabman he calls at my request. But as I have 
 indicated before, he is a lover of wealth, and 
 consequently his terms are so high that only 
 cabs which can get no other custom come when 
 he calls. One of the cabmen told me that the 
 fee was 2|d., which makes a big hole in an eight- 
 penny fare. 
 
 Without discussing the merits of this system 
 as a whole, the particular result is that I am 
 now in a cab of which the horses are living 
 skeletons, the driver filthier and more crassly 
 stupid than most of his fellows, the harness 
 composed of relics of leather tied together 
 with rags and string, the covering of the seats 
 in holes, the springs half on one side, and the 
 wheels with a spoke or two missing in each. We 
 jolt along until, meeting another carriage, the 
 driver pulls up, upon which the harness breaks 
 in one or two places, and he gets down to mend 
 it with a piece of chain, some thin string, and 
 what looks like an old necktie. This done, we 
 rock on again until suddenly the weak spring 
 finally ' goes ' with a crash, we again pull up, 
 and I get out. Luckily, I am only a hundred 
 yards from the club, so I walk there, while my 
 driver begins to repair the spring with a boot- 
 lace. 
 
 I was really ' well out of it,' as these cabs may
 
 8 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 break down anywhere, and it is lucky if it occurs 
 in a by-street and not in the way of effendi- 
 driven motors. No accident is impossible in 
 these cabs. On one occasion the driver pulled 
 up his horses with vigour, and, both reins break- 
 ing simultaneously (as the string they were tied 
 up with was worn and probably of inferior 
 quality), the driver performed a sort of back 
 somersault, and arrived in a sitting posture on 
 me. On another occasion a similar recklessness 
 on the part of the Jehu led to the whole of the 
 harness falling off the horses, who trotted 
 away, leaving us gravely seated in a horseless 
 carriage. 
 
 As I pass the clock in the club hall, I see it is 
 already 8 o'clock, at which hour I meant to 
 begin work, so I rush into the dining-room and 
 ask them to hurry up my breakfast. The form 
 used is ' Breakfast quick,' because, as all the 
 waiters are Greeks or Berberines, with an im- 
 perfect knowledge of English, a complicated 
 order leads to most unexpected results. An 
 aged and respected member asked the other day 
 for ' eggs or anything that 's handy,' and got a 
 nauseous-looking fluid in a glass, which proved 
 to be eggs beaten up in brandy. I have always 
 the same breakfast cold meat, omelette, and 
 coffee, and this, after ten years' experience, they 
 know, so I usually have no difficulty in getting 
 what I want. 
 
 Our club dining-room is rather a curiosity in 
 its way. It is more like a foreign railway 
 station restaurant than anything else I know.
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 9 
 
 People are always rushing in and demand- 
 ing food. The waiters go about at a trot, bang 
 down the wrong dish in front of you, and rush 
 away before you can object. The noise and 
 clatter is terrific, but it is the only place where 
 one can get decent food at a price less than 
 that paid at a Monte Carlo restaurant. 
 
 In addition to a pot-house, our club is a place 
 of business (unluckily), and for a senior official 
 consequently a place of torment. You are 
 caught and button-holed at every step. The 
 more civil of your oppressors begin with ' Excuse 
 a word of shop,' or 4 You won't mind my saying 
 a word about business.' Others brutally begin 
 the subject as if they knew they had got you at 
 a disadvantage and rejoiced over it. I have 
 been attacked at meals and after meals, whilst 
 reading the papers, and even while playing 
 bridge, to the great pecuniary discomfiture of 
 myself and partner ; and one determined old 
 concession-hunter followed me into the washing 
 place and caught me with my head under the 
 tap. At breakfast-time, however, it is nearly 
 deserted, and one is fairly safe, as most people 
 breakfast at home. 
 
 When I enter the dining-room I find, as I 
 expected, only half a dozen grumpy-looking 
 members munching at their separate tables, 
 who look up and give vent to the usual surly 
 ' good morning,' with an obvious implication 
 that you are not to use this concession to good 
 manners as an excuse for entering into con- 
 versation. As I sit down I see, to my horror,
 
 10 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 that I am being followed into the room by Dr. 
 Smart. He is our Scottish conversationalist, and 
 I believe never stops that flow of talk which has 
 made so many of us feel more sympathy with 
 suicide than is right. Mercifully he sits down 
 at Colonel Brown's table, which suits him, as 
 it is central, and enables him to operate on a 
 more extended scale than if he sat in one of the 
 corners. I cower behind a paper the waiter has 
 brought me, as I hear Brown's indignant snort. 
 4 May I have the pleasure of wishing you good 
 morning, Colonel.' The Colonel gives a sort of 
 snorting groan. ' Now, I often wonder what 
 the origin of that custom is.' ' Humph,' from 
 the Colonel. ' In Scotland we say it more 
 cordially, I think, than you do in England.' 
 4 Humph.' 4 But then our manners are more 
 precise. You doubtless remember Macwheesky 
 says the Scottish precision is as marked a char- 
 acteristic of the race as the Irishman's humour 
 or the Englishman's stolidity.' ' Humph.' 4 But 
 the custom is universal even the lowest races 
 say something to one another when they meet in 
 the morning.' ' Humph, worse luck,' from the 
 Colonel. 4 The morn, the beautiful morn, what 
 splendid thoughts and poems have been pro- 
 duced in its honour ! I feel very often quite 
 poetical myself when I look out of my window 
 in the morning and watch the beautiful land- 
 scapes, and feel the soft wind blowing on my 
 face. Oh dear me, yes, it is wonderful, especially 
 in this land of light and colour.' ' Humph.' 
 4 Now, do you wake early, Colonel ? ' 4 Got to.'
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 11 
 
 ' And, like an old campaigner, spring from your 
 pallet couch and rush into your cold bath.' 4 1 
 don't take a cold bath. Liver.' ' You surprise 
 me. I thought all you men of blood and iron 
 did.' I dare not look up, as the Colonel must be 
 on the verge of apoplexy. I wish he would 
 hit Smart, or pour boiling tea on him, or 
 something. 4 Blood and iron a terrible mix- 
 ture. What a magnificent sight a great charge 
 must be ! Now, were you ever in a charge, 
 Colonel ? ' 
 
 This I am sure will end badly, when Flasher, 
 a member of the Prisons Department, creates a 
 diversion by entering the room in his usual state 
 of suppressed fury. He is far advanced in the 
 national disease of irritability. c Am I,' he 
 thunders, ' going to have breakfast or not, 
 waiter ? If you don't bring me kidneys in two 
 seconds I '11 . . .' The waiter, who is green with 
 terror, murmurs, ' Cook not got no kidney only 
 fish eggs.' ' D n it all, what a rotten club. . . .' 
 There, now he is started, and good-bye to any 
 chance of peace and quiet. However, my frugal 
 meal is over. I wonder why all eggs in Egypt 
 taste musty, as if, as our Irish doctor said, they 
 had been laid by a mummy. As I pass the 
 cashier's desk, I find that, as usual, I am short of 
 cash, and shall have to change a sovereign. 
 This means getting what I call the club token 
 money. Members who become possessed of some 
 of the many artistic imitations of our coinage 
 produced by the artless Greek and simple-hearted 
 Egyptians pass it at the club, where they never
 
 12 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 seem to mind what they take. This is given out 
 to members again, and as they cannot get rid 
 of it except in charity or to the club, it returns 
 again and again, and becomes, in fact, a token 
 currency in the club. 
 
 Now, at all events, I shall get a decent cab, 
 which I want, as it is now 8.25, and I am already 
 nearly half an hour behind my time. I recog- 
 nise the cab-driver as an old friend who usually 
 drives me in the morning. His cab is compara- 
 tively clean and his horses decently fed. He 
 cracks his whip and beats his horses unneces- 
 sarily, as they all do, but, generally speaking, he 
 is less of a brute to them than most of his fellows. 
 
 His driving is peculiar. We start off at a 
 gallop before I am well in the cab, and I sit down 
 suddenly. This is painful, but I am used to it. 
 We whirl round the first corner, and miss an old 
 man who is strolling down the road, apparently 
 with the intention of committing suicide, by 
 a fraction of an inch. The driver yells out the 
 whole time various remarks to the other occu- 
 pants of the street who are getting, or who 
 he thinks may get, in his way. ' O my father, 
 mind thy feet. Thy feet, my brother. To thy 
 right, beloved. O son of all that is vile, and 
 father of unmentionable things, where are you 
 going ? ' Then a torrent of abuse which is 
 absolutely unre producible. The language of the 
 barrack-room in old days was pure and mild 
 compared with ordinary chaff of the streets here. 
 
 All this time we are galloping and missing 
 people and vehicles by the narrowest of margins.
 
 GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 18 
 
 It looks like a series of the most unparalleled 
 flukes, but it is really due to the cleverness of 
 the horses, who are as quick on their feet as cats, 
 and just manage to avoid each thing in turn. 
 It is lucky that they are so gifted, because no 
 one keeps the rule of the road ; all pedestrians 
 walk in the roadway, usually on the wrong side, 
 and are either engaged in conversation or are 
 so blind as not to be able to see the carriage 
 until it is close upon them. The shouts of the 
 driver have less effect than one might expect 
 from their loudness and substance, because all 
 the other drivers are shouting at the same time. 
 As the cabman drives with the reins loose on 
 the horses' backs, and held in one hand, he can 
 do very little steering. Where it is necessary 
 to change direction, he pulls in one rein till it 
 tightens up. This takes time, and he is usually 
 late, so that you swing round the corners in a 
 way that would turn the carriage over if it could 
 be turned over, and that would certainly in any 
 case throw down any horses but these. Beyond 
 cannoning with another arabiyeh, we get through 
 safely, and come through the Ministry gates as 
 if we were riding a finish in a race.
 
 CHAPTER II 
 OFFICE PART I 
 
 * 
 
 OUR Ministry is neither a strictly beautiful 
 building nor a convenient one. It was originally 
 the property of a Pasha in Ismail's days, and, 
 shall we say, reverted to the Crown when its 
 owner died somewhat suddenly. The part we 
 occupy was the harem of the palace, and I 
 dare say, though I am no judge of such matters, 
 did very well for that, but as a public office it 
 leaves much to be desired. It is, inside, an 
 aggregation of innumerable small and for the 
 most part ill-lighted rooms, connected by a 
 labyrinth of dark passages. Like so many build- 
 ings of that date, it is constructed principally 
 of lath and plaster, and is always threatening 
 to fall down ; but we go on patching it up, 
 hoping that we shall be rich enough to build a 
 new Ministry some day. Its interior decora- 
 tion is not artistic. The leading features are 
 painted ceilings, with adhesive goddesses sitting 
 on them ; gilt, red plush, and inferior looking- 
 glasses, all very faded and fly-blown. 
 
 I mount the stairs under the protection of 
 two orderlies and a policeman the orderlies to 
 shove unoffending people, who are not in it, out 
 of the way, and the policeman to walk as close
 
 OFFICE PART I 15 
 
 behind me as possible without treading on my 
 heels. Whether this is to prevent an assassin 
 getting at one unbeknownst from behind, or to 
 see that I don't steal anything on the way up, I 
 have never found out. 
 
 I enter my room just thirty minutes later than 
 I meant to, and dropping into my chair, begin 
 looking at my post as a preliminary to starting 
 the day's work. 
 
 Though, of course, like all sane men, I dislike 
 work, and, consequently, the beginning of work, 
 there is a grain of optimism in my constitution 
 which makes opening my letters a certain pleasure 
 to me. One knows the odds are enormously 
 against their being interesting, and that some 
 must be annoying, possibly even painful, but one 
 still hopes that one day one will get a letter 
 which will really please one. An easy enough 
 matter when one was young an invitation one 
 wanted or a few words of praise from a superior, 
 and the world went rose-coloured in a moment. 
 Now it would require definite assurances from 
 an unimpeachable source of a gift of health, 
 wealth, and happiness for a period of ten years 
 at least, to produce that glow of hope and con- 
 tentment which used to come so easily. 
 
 Now this train of thought indicates liver, and 
 nothing else. I wish to goodness I had had the 
 strength of mind not to play that last rubber 
 of bridge, which has cost me so much from both 
 a pecuniary and a hygienic point of view. Let 
 me see what my letters are. Not an encour- 
 aging-looking lot.
 
 16 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 No. 1. DEAR CECIL, What on earth does the Finance 
 mean by their recent order with regard to cash pay- 
 ments ? I can only tell you if this policy of pin-pricks is 
 to continue I and many others will have to reconsider 
 their positions, etc. (Signed) A. WORRY. 
 
 There now, I wonder what that is ? Some 
 Accounts Circular which they don't like. I will 
 send for it and see. I wish there was one week 
 in the year in which Worry did not resign, or, 
 better still, that he would really go altogether. 
 
 No. 2 (In French). Cher Lord, I recommend to your 
 unfailing kindness a young man called, I think, Ahmed 
 Kairy, who, / am told, is an excellent fellow of high 
 principles and extraordinary attainments. The sources 
 from which I obtain my information are the very best. 
 (Signed) MOHAMMED SULEIMAN, 
 
 Under-Secretary, Towns and 
 Buildings Dept. 
 
 The very best! I should think they were. 
 He 's his nephew, if I remember rightly ; and I 
 last heard of the young paragon as having raised 
 a subscription for erecting a monument to the 
 martyrs of Sersenna, and having retired to Paris 
 to spend the proceeds. 
 
 No. 3. DEAR SIR, I am fifty years of age, and have 
 never had a profession. It was suggested to me by a 
 friend who lives near me, and whom I see almost every 
 day, that the only cure for the weak health from which 
 I have been suffering for some years would be to go 
 abroad for a long period. He suggested some hot 
 climate would suit me best. I thought of Egypt. 
 Could you give me a post under Government with light
 
 OFFICE PART I 17 
 
 duties and a moderate salary ? I write a good hand and 
 am a great admirer of Mr. Balfour, whose governess's 
 second cousin married a connection of my wife's. Await- 
 ing a favourable reply, Believe me, Yours. 
 
 PS. I should add that I am slightly deaf. 
 
 No wonder his friend gave him that disin- 
 terested advice. 
 
 No. 4. SIR, Knowing the deep interest you take in 
 the welfare of this ancient country, with which the names 
 of so many of our famous men have been associated, 
 I venture to bring to your notice a scheme which, if it 
 were carried into effect, would, I am sure, be of the 
 greatest benefit to Egypt generally, and more especially 
 to that most interesting class, the peasantry. I enclose 
 the written proposal, which I understand it is usual to 
 send in on such occasions, and beg to assure you that I 
 remain, etc. etc. A. TUBES. 
 
 The scheme consists apparently in making a 
 new fertiliser out of old bricks, which the Govern- 
 ment is to supply gratis. Thank you. 
 
 No. 5. DEAR LORD EDWARD, I am sure you will not 
 mind my writing to you about a personal matter. 
 Dear Charlie is so depressed because he did not get any 
 recognition this year. Of course, he does not care for 
 such things in themselves, but he feels it hard that so 
 many others who have done so much less than he has 
 should receive them, and he be left out. He tells me 
 even the messengers in the office salute him with less 
 respect than they used to, which shows what the natives 
 think about it. Could you do anything in the matter, 
 do you think ? Believe me, etc. 
 
 ANNIE BROOK. 
 
 Mean beast, to make his poor wife write ! She
 
 18 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 is worth exactly a dozen of him, and I 'd give her 
 any decoration she liked, for I suppose that 's 
 what he is after. Luckily I can write back to 
 say it is not in my power to do anything. If it 
 was, he would not get one, but that don't matter. 
 
 No. 6. DEAR LORD EDWARD, I felt after our con- 
 versation the other day that perhaps I had not explained 
 my position quite clearly enough. It is, as you are 
 aware, very complicated, and in fairness to myself I 
 think I must claim to put the whole of the matter before 
 you. At the risk, therefore, of trespassing unduly on 
 your very valuable time, I must request you to grant 
 me another interview. 
 
 Trusting that you will forgive my importunity, etc. 
 etc. J. MAUNDERS PROSY. 
 
 Now, upon my word, this is the pinnacle ! He 
 stayed in my office for two hours the first time, 
 and left me with a bad headache and a port- 
 folio of documents which he asked me ironically, 
 I conclude to read at my leisure. I did so with 
 the assistance of two trained experts and a 
 magnifying glass. They proved to be his house- 
 hold accounts for the years 1880 to 1887, and 
 were mostly wrongly added up. He came back 
 to explain he had given me the wrong docu- 
 ments, which had dawned on me in the interval, 
 as his case is a shadowy claim to compensation 
 for having done nothing and not got killed in 
 the Alexandrian riots of 1882. If I could get 
 at the rioters I would have them punished very 
 severely for their remissness in not braining him 
 or burning him alive or something. The second 
 time he came he told me all his early life, which
 
 OFFICE PART I Id 
 
 made one wonder why he had not committed 
 suicide, as it was so dull. He only got to the 
 year seventy-nine, however, when a merciful 
 message from the Minister that he wished to 
 see me stopped the flow of his conversation, 
 which I had enjoyed for an hour and a half. 
 The third time we had a cheery little talk 
 for three hours on men he remembered in 
 old days, whose chief consolation in leaving 
 this world must have been that they escaped 
 his chatter. 
 
 The fourth time we went minutely over his 
 so-called case several times, besides those of a 
 lot of poisonous friends of his, and now he wants 
 to begin again. Well, I know it is no good 
 putting him off. He is perfectly persistent and 
 entirely equable. 
 
 There, it seems I was wrong, as usual, to 
 expect an interesting mail. To my joy, how- 
 ever, I see I have overlooked three letters with 
 English stamps which have concealed them- 
 selves under the torn envelopes of those I have 
 read. This is grand let us see what is in them. 
 I open the first. It is the notice of a flower 
 show held a month ago at a place I used to live 
 in five years since. This is not encouraging. 
 The second looks better let us see. 
 
 DEAR LORD EDWARD, I have been meaning to write 
 to you for a long time, but, I don't know how it is, some- 
 thing always seems to stop me. I am longing for news 
 of all our old friends, and to hear what they are doing 
 and where they all are. Is the Savoy as full as ever, 
 and do you still play golf every day ? Do write and
 
 20 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 tell me all about it. I had hoped that we should come 
 out to Egypt this year, as Charles is in need of a rest, 
 but the doctors have sent us to the Riviera, which I hate. 
 Is it not unlucky ? I met an old friend of yours the 
 other day, Colonel Blogger, and he asked most affec- 
 tionately after you. He is trying to get his son into some 
 profession. The poor boy broke down at college and 
 had to be taken away, and has now nothing to do. He 
 is very intelligent, nice and steady, etc. etc. etc. 
 
 Now that is what I call (ironically) gratitude ! 
 I looked after Mrs. Lever for a whole season. I 
 lent her my boat, got her reserved compart- 
 ments, and ran about on her errands for three 
 solid months. She has never written a line to 
 me, after her formal letter of thanks, for two 
 years, and now she is trying to engineer young 
 Blogger into the service. Young Blogger of all 
 people ! His father was Principal Medical Officer 
 of the Army of Occupation in 1902, and was 
 nicknamed ' the Pestilence that walketh in the 
 noonday,' as he always lured unsuspecting 
 acquaintances into accompanying him on long 
 and tiresome walks, during which he explained 
 his own merits and the organised conspiracy 
 which existed in the War Office to delay his 
 well-earned right to something very abstruse. I 
 will send a civil answer, and that is more than 
 she deserves. 
 
 On opening the third and last letter, I am 
 rewarded for patient submission to unmerited 
 adversity. It is from my much -beloved and 
 respected niece Emma, and is doubtless full of 
 family news, etc.
 
 OFFICE PART I 21 
 
 DEAR UNCLE N., We have just left . . . [can't 
 read this] for London, where we are now. We thought 
 the sooner we moved the better [why ?] and I am sure 
 you will agree with our point of view. It is all very 
 tiresome. [Very !] 
 
 Turning to a more pleasant topic, we are all delighted 
 about . . . [can't read it 's an initial X, I think] 
 success. [Wonder what he or she has done.] Of course 
 we expected it would be all right, but one cannot ever 
 be quite sure [I expect it 's her brother's examination ; 
 I know he was in for one bravo, Charlie !], and the 
 doctor was doubtful. [That don't sound right. Perhaps 
 the poor beggar was seedy.] It was very painful, and 
 
 was almost delirious [Charlie does not seem to like 
 
 exams. I sympathise], but as soon as they cut it open 
 it was all right. [This can't be an examination. It is 
 too drastic let us look again. Of course not it 's 
 ' abscess,' not ' success.' She does write indistinctly.] 
 She was wonderfully brave. [Not Charlie, obviously 
 some one else.] Mamma told me to tell you that the 
 [looks like Broughton] family are coming to Cairo in 
 December or January, and she thinks they are going to 
 stay in a hotel somewhere near where you live, but she 
 cannot remember the name. Will you be an angel and 
 look after them ? [Cheerful prospect. I wonder who 
 they are.] One of the daughters is nice-looking, I am 
 told. [How many are there, I wonder ?] Mamma 
 thinks they will amuse you. [Anne was always an 
 optimist.] 
 
 I have lots more to tell you, only the post is going. 
 Was it not sad about Bart ? Your affec. niece, 
 
 EMMA. 
 
 There you are. That is the kind of maddening 
 letter one gets. First the family left some place 
 for reasons unknown, but as Emma thinks I 
 should approve of them, I presume not dis-
 
 22 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 creditable. Secondly, some woman underwent a 
 successful operation. Thirdly, a family of the 
 possible name of Broughton are coming some 
 time during the winter to an unknown locality, 
 where I have to find them on the chance of being 
 amused. Fourthly, Bart, who is my second 
 cousin, has died, or got convicted, or something. 
 
 I shall worry my head all day about these 
 problems. No, the mail has been a failure to-day. 
 
 Now for work. I will just polish off the 
 submitted questions, and then see the people 
 who have appointments, and put in an hour 
 between one and two at the memorandum and 
 the pension case. 
 
 I ring for Mr. Tomkins. 
 
 Mr. Tomkins is my shorthand clerk at least he 
 was so, but he has gradually edged himself into the 
 title of secretary. He comes from my native village 
 London, to wit and is my great stand-by. He 
 is obviously cross this morning, because he bangs 
 the slate, on which the names of the people I 
 have to see are written down, on the table with 
 an aggressive and aggrieved air. It is curious 
 that all people of a certain social grade sniff 
 when they are out of temper. I wonder if there 
 is any medical reason for this. 
 
 Let us see the list : two heads of Depart- 
 ments at 9.30, 9.45, respectively. At 10 A.M. 
 the Under- Secretary of the Ministry of Justice. 
 At 10.15, Freiherr von Gompnitz. Good lord, 
 the German Charge d'Affaires ! He is perfectly 
 awful. At 10.30, M. de Signorini. Signorini 
 is a kind of land broker, and is both a joy and
 
 OFFICE PART I 23 
 
 a terror a joy because of the amount of amuse- 
 ment he affords, a terror on account of the 
 amount out of which he annually swindles the 
 Government. 11.0, Ahmed Bey Kalaam he is 
 a crank about Arabic literature, and is under 
 high protection. 11.15, Mr. Simson. Who is 
 Mr. Simson ? Mr. Tomkins thinks he is con- 
 nected with one of the companies, and he has 
 left a letter for me. The letter on examina- 
 tion shows that Mr. Simson and two other 
 gentlemen are representatives of the Borneo 
 and West Australian Fibre and Silk Growing 
 Association, and that they will call on me to 
 lay certain matters before me. Concession- 
 hunters. 
 
 Nothing more ? No, Mr. Tomkins admits 
 grudgingly, there is nothing more at present, 
 though some gentlemen are sure to come without 
 appointments. He adds, with a gleam of satis- 
 faction, that there is a committee at six this 
 afternoon. This pleases him, because he knows 
 I hate committees. I wonder what he is cross 
 about. 
 
 Mr. Tomkins, when he has banged down on 
 my table the first pile of dossiers, as we call 
 them, leaves the room, and I proceed to deal 
 with the papers. 
 
 My written routine work can readily be divided 
 into two classes. Covering other people's re- 
 sponsibility and answering riddles. We call these 
 in the office signatures and decisions, because it 
 sounds nicer. Each question comes up with all 
 the papers concerning it from its earliest infancy,
 
 24 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 and the last document is a letter or a note. If 
 it is a signature that is required, it is a letter ; 
 if a decision, a note. 
 
 I have to sign letters because in theory the 
 heads of other Ministries consider it below their 
 dignity to receive letters signed by subordinates. 
 This is the theory, but the fact is that sub- 
 ordinates prefer to be covered by one's authority. 
 This is, of course, especially true of the Syrians, 
 Moslems, and Copts. They have often a playful 
 way of getting you to sign innocent-looking 
 documents, and then producing them later on 
 as a justification for some iniquity or other. 
 This at one time became so common as to be 
 dangerous, and we had to put an end to it by 
 calmly reversing the ruling or decision contained 
 in the original letter as one given in error. This 
 was regarded as mean, but stopped the prac- 
 tice, which we made still further unpopular by 
 declaring that the drafter of a letter was respon- 
 sible for its contents. 
 
 Decisions, on the contrary, are given on a set 
 of facts (save the mark !) set forward in a note 
 by the head of the Department concerned. They 
 always remind me of the hard cases in Truth, 
 as they usually end in a question of the nature 
 of ' What should A do ? ' Of course, beyond 
 this one has one's own notes to write for the 
 Council or Minister, or the Adviser or the Agency, 
 as the case may be, but they are a different 
 class of thing, and deal with questions of policy 
 and legislation, and not with matters of routine. 
 
 My first batch of dossiers this morning are
 
 OFFICE PART I 25 
 
 seventeen in number, and all look simple ex- 
 cept two. 
 
 Let me see. For signature, letter inform- 
 ing P.W.D. that a credit of 10,000 has been 
 placed at their disposal for making a new road 
 in Cairo. Letter to Public Instruction, inform- 
 ing them that their proposal to start a new school 
 for girls in Tanta cannot be considered before 
 the preparation of the next Budget. Letter to 
 the War Department, asking why they have 
 exceeded a credit of 30,000 by l, 5s., and so 
 on, and so on. 
 
 The decisions are for the most part quite 
 simple too, as one has decided heaps of similar 
 cases before. There are two difficult ones, how- 
 ever, which are rather typical of the kind of 
 thing one has to decide. 
 
 The first is a pension case. 
 
 One Mohammed el Tawari wishes to have 
 his case treated under the pension law of Said 
 Pasha rather than under the present law. Only 
 people who joined the service before the year 
 1875 can claim this privilege, which is a very 
 substantial one, as the old law was far more 
 generous than the present one. Mohammed Bey 
 founds his claim on the following considera- 
 tions : 
 
 His entry into the regular service (Ministry 
 of Justice) was in 1877, but he claims to have 
 been a corporal, and subsequently a sergeant, in 
 the Government schools from 1874 to 1877. In 
 old days the Government schools were military 
 in their organisation ; and though service as an
 
 26 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ordinary scholar or private did not count as 
 Government service, the time passed as a non- 
 commissioned officer did. So if we, in a moment 
 of enthusiasm, believed what he said, his service 
 began in 1874, and his pension must be granted 
 according to the provisions of the older and 
 more generous law. 
 
 What makes the real difficulty of these cases 
 is, that all the records of these schools were burnt 
 in the 1882 rebellion. So we have no document 
 to prove whether a man was or was not a non- 
 commissioned officer on any particular date. 
 
 Some genius in the Ministry some years back 
 got the Government to decide that if any one 
 claiming to count service as a non-commissioned 
 officer in the schools could produce the written 
 testimony of four senior Government officials to 
 the effect that he had served as an N.C.O., it 
 would be accepted as sufficient proof. 
 
 Mohammed Bey has produced written state- 
 ments from seven of these worthies to the effect 
 that he was a corporal in the Saidieh School in 
 the year 1874. The statements are most circum- 
 stantial, and the witnesses are two judges of the 
 High Court, three generals of brigade, a con- 
 troller in the Public Works Ministry, and an ex- 
 Under-Secret ary of State. 
 
 So far it appears simple. According to our 
 rules, Mohammed ought to be allowed to reckon 
 his service from 1874, and have his pension 
 calculated according to the Said Pasha law. 
 
 Unluckily for him, he fell out with a cousin 
 of his, called Ibrahim Pasha Murad, over a
 
 OFFICE PART I 27 
 
 question of inheritance and outmanoeuvred him. 
 Ibrahim Pasha, smarting under his defeat and 
 its concomitant pecuniary loss, came to see 
 me. We discussed the weather and the crops 
 rather more fully than was natural, and he then 
 mentioned incidentally his cousin in the most 
 laudatory terms. He praised him particularly 
 for his charming manners, which he casually 
 mentioned had been acquired in Paris, when he 
 was at school there in 1876, and he in the course 
 of his innocent family reminiscences mentioned 
 the name of the school. 
 
 I naturally wrote to Paris on the strength of 
 this information, and have received a most clear 
 and authentic extract from the records of that 
 institution that Mohammed el Tawari, the son 
 of Shefik Pasha Raschid, the then Minister of 
 Public Works in Egypt, was accorded a prize 
 by, I conclude, some swindle which was not 
 found out, in November 1876. The record also 
 stated that at this time Mohammed was a scholar 
 of the third year. When I as gently as possible 
 brought this to the notice of Mohammed Bey, 
 he was horrified, and explained that it was all 
 a mistake. The individual alluded to in the 
 records was his brother, who had died young. 
 On examination this proved to be only partially 
 accurate, as the brother in question had died 
 in infancy at Constantinople in 1867. 
 
 What is A (that is, I) to do ? 
 
 Of course the French record is the true one, 
 and the written statements are benevolent or 
 properly rewarded fictions. Still, it is a little
 
 28 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 hard to tell all these perjurers the truth about 
 themselves. On the whole, I shall refuse the 
 request civilly without giving my reasons. The 
 fear of exposure will probably make them eventu- 
 ally ' take it lying down,' even if they do try to 
 6 bluff ' a bit at first. 
 
 The second case is a land case. 
 
 Some dozen years ago a man called Aziz 
 Effendi Neguib took five hundred acres of 
 Government land in exchange for some land 
 of his own that the Government wanted for 
 something or other in another part of the 
 country. Here in the dossier are all the deeds 
 of the transaction perfectly in order. The paper 
 work of the Land Department was always very 
 good, but they were much less careful about 
 measuring the land up than they are now, and 
 for a slight payment I have no doubt you could 
 vary the measurements within reasonable limits. 
 
 The Government now wants to repurchase this 
 same land for the new Agricultural School hard by. 
 When we came to measuring up the land, we 
 found that there are only four hundred acres 
 instead of five hundred, and the present owner, 
 the son of Aziz Effendi, now wants the Govern- 
 ment to make good the amount out of which he 
 alleges we swindled his father. 
 
 At first there seems some justice in this demand, 
 as we delivered a hundred acres less than we 
 mention in the deeds of transfer, but on examina- 
 tion there are one or two points which make one 
 alter one's opinion. First, the price at which 
 we valued the nominal five hundred acres twelve
 
 OFFICE PART I 29 
 
 years ago seems curiously low, but you find 
 that if you take the land at its real area, the 
 price works out at the price of such land in those 
 days. It is only when you call the four hundred 
 acres five, that the price seems low. 
 
 Now supposing that this was a fraud, what 
 was his object ? Simple enough. Aziz Effendi 
 got his four hundred acres at a fair price. It is 
 true he had to pay land-tax on five hundred, but 
 what of that compared with the power of mort- 
 gaging the land as five hundred acres instead of 
 four, which he duly did ? 
 
 Whether his son can attack us in the Courts 
 now is another matter, but in any case I mark 
 the papers, 4 That the Law Officers be instructed 
 to resist this claim. 5
 
 CHAPTER III 
 OFFICE PART II 
 
 AT this point Mr. Tomkins comes in and wants 
 to know if I will see Mr. Driller, head of the 
 Department of Unappropriated Revenue. Cer- 
 tainly, and in bangs Mr. Driller. He is a valu- 
 able public servant, but works always under a 
 head of steam that is positively dangerous. He 
 rushes into the question he wants to discuss at 
 the point where he has met the difficulty, not 
 at the beginning, explains his reasons in a 
 torrent of words, touches on the beginning of 
 the matter in an incomprehensible way, says he 
 is sure the right action is to refuse, but as per- 
 haps I would like to consider it he will come 
 round to-morrow, but hopes the Government 
 will back him up, and disappears in a sort of 
 whirlwind. 
 
 I get my breath back and ask Mr. Tomkins 
 to get the papers about the case, so that I may 
 form some dim idea of what it is all about. 
 
 Driller is succeeded by Langworthy, Director- 
 General of State Properties. He is an excellent 
 contrast to the other. He enters the room 
 wearily, and says he has nothing of any interest 
 to discuss except the Marini case. Would I like 
 to go into it ? ' Yes, certainly.' Langworthy, 
 after mentioning he is far from well, and would 
 
 30
 
 OFFICE PART II 31 
 
 I mind the window being closed, begins at 
 Count Marini, who flourished forty years ago, 
 and had obscure claims to some Government 
 land, works slowly down with a wealth of detail 
 that obscures the slender thread of the story, 
 and wearily arrives at the present day. It is 
 the usual long tissue of cheating and muddling. 
 I suggest declining to have anything to do with 
 Marini, and leaving him to sue us in the courts, 
 if he wishes to. 
 
 ' I thought you would say that,' says Lang- 
 worthy, in a sepulchral tone, and totters out, 
 presumably to see about his funeral. He has 
 never been ill in his life, but believes he has 
 a mortal disease a different one every month. 
 It 's consumption this month, so he coughs ; last 
 month it was paralysis, so he dragged his leg. 
 He is a queer fellow, but an excellent official. 
 
 Mr. Tomkins now brings in a letter from the 
 Agency asking me to see Mr. Adalbert Langton, 
 an English gentleman of position, the bearer of 
 the highest recommendations, etc., who wishes 
 to purchase land in Egypt. 
 
 I see him for ten minutes, discover that he 
 does not know why, where, or how he wants to 
 buy land, and send him on to Langworthy, 
 who is used to dealing with these followers of 
 Nebuchadnezzar who want to know both the 
 dream and the interpretation thereof. 
 
 My next visitor is the Under- Secretary of the 
 Ministry of Justice, a dapper little Egyptian. 
 He goes by the name of ' Oliver Twist,' as he is 
 never satisfied. He sits down and chats amiably
 
 32 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 about the weather and the crops, mentioning 
 in a non-committal way several matters in 
 dispute between our departments, and then 
 most artistically works the conversation round 
 to his house. He is or has been building a new 
 house, which apparently he thinks ought to be 
 constructed by the aid of departmental sub- 
 scription. Thus he got the stone half-price from 
 the Public Works, transported it by the State 
 railways at quarter-rate, and had its erection 
 supervised by a wise Egyptian architect of the 
 Public Works at no rate at all. 
 
 Now he wants me to ask the Water Company to 
 lay on water free of charge. To this I naturally 
 demur, as we don't like asking favours of the 
 companies they cost too much in the long run. 
 He smiles and apparently acquiesces, but he will 
 get it eventually. He will worry and bore every 
 one about his beastly water until the Khedive or 
 the Prime Minister or the Agency will ask us to get 
 it done for him in the interests of the peace and 
 quietness of all concerned. 
 
 I have tried everything with him brutality, 
 fencing, delay, counter- pressure but it is no 
 good. His ancestress must have been the Widow 
 who dealt with the Unjust Judge. Our busi- 
 ness over, he tells me a little malicious gossip 
 about one of our colleagues a pretty little story, 
 accusing him of every form of vile rascality, a 
 story one would not dare to tell under one's 
 breath at home ; but here such things are re- 
 garded as amiable eccentricities, and we part 
 with expressions of mutual esteem.
 
 OFFICE PART II 33 
 
 My next visitor is an abnormally tall man, 
 whose body and limbs appear to be made of 
 wood. They don't seem to move naturally, 
 and it would cause one no surprise if he creaked 
 when he walked. His face is large and round, 
 with a set half-smile on it. His hair is short 
 and carefully brushed a la militaire, and the 
 fixity and vacuity of his gaze indicates that he 
 suffers from extreme short-sightedness. 
 
 The moment he has entered my room he bends 
 suddenly in the middle, as if he were seized by 
 a sudden abdominal spasm which he is too self- 
 controlled to show in any other way. 
 
 He has another spasm on my offering him a 
 chair, and he sits down as if it was a part of his 
 military drill, and a separate word of command 
 was required for each movement. 
 
 I inquire politely after his health, which gives 
 him another spasm. 
 
 He then sits looking at me as if I was a curious 
 anatomical specimen in a bottle, but without 
 attempting to break the silence. 
 
 Seeing that, according to Prussian rules, it is 
 obviously my turn to lead, I ask him to what I 
 am indebted for the honour of his visit. He 
 has a modified spasm, draws off his gloves very 
 deliberately 4 by numbers,' and opening his 
 enormous mouth gives vent in deeply guttural 
 tones to the following : 
 
 ' You are very amiable. I haf a gomblaint.' 
 
 Taken literally, this is what I should have 
 expected. He ought by his appearance to be 
 suffering from rigor pokeritis or some such 
 
 c
 
 34 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 disease, but I know better from bitter experi- 
 ence. So I say that I am extremely sorry to 
 hear it, and ask him to be kind enough to tell 
 me what is the matter. 
 
 In the tones of a man to whom expectoration 
 is on the whole more usual than conversation, 
 he replied, ' Ve vant to gif you blacks.' 
 
 This is a little difficult to translate. I am 
 sure he does not want to give us anything we 
 should like to get, so I think ' gif ' must be 
 translated ' sell.' What ' blacks ' or c placks ' 
 are, is a matter which will be cleared up as we 
 go on. I ask him what sort of placks he alludes 
 to, slurring the ' p ' so that it will do for ' p ' or 
 *b,' as the case may be. 
 
 ' Gobber,' is the reply. 
 
 Copper blacks is impossible ; it must be ... 
 and then with a flash I get it. It is ' plaques.' 
 Now the only ' plaques ' I can remember pur- 
 chasing are the brass ones some of our messengers 
 wear on their arms, but they are undoubtedly 
 of brass, and we don't buy twenty a year. He 
 cannot be bothering about those. With a view 
 of clearing matters up, I suggest, ' Don't you 
 mean brass ? ' 
 
 6 1 am instrugded gobber,' is the uncompro- 
 mising reply. 
 
 4 Could you tell me what the copper plaques 
 are for ? ' I ask. 
 
 ' They was as changes,' replies the Freiherr. 
 
 No ! I am out of it. I guess, from previous 
 experience, that this is probably a complaint 
 from the German merchants that they have
 
 OFFICE PART II 35 
 
 not been treated on an equality with others in 
 connection with a Government order for copper 
 plaques or something of the sort. 
 
 I have another try at elucidating the mystery. 
 4 Do you remember what Department of the 
 Government required these plaques ? ' I ask. 
 He ruminates for a moment, and then rasps 
 out: 
 
 ' I haf no zertain knowledge, but I tink you.' 
 
 Now what on earth could the Finance want 
 with copper plaques ? ' Please,' I say in despair, 
 ' tell me the whole story, as I cannot remember 
 any case such as you mention.' 
 
 ' Yaas,' he grunts, ' is besser. You haf a note 
 inzerted in the Journal that you vant fife hundert 
 tousand gobber blacks, but it is so late that 
 Shermans cannot abbly.' 
 
 ' But why should it be worse for them than 
 any one else, even if the time allowed for tender- 
 ing was short ? ' I ask. 
 
 ' It is for us longer.' 
 
 ' But why ? ' 
 
 ' Ve must alzo write to Shermany and have 
 answers, and so.' 
 
 ' But that is the same for all nations, Freiherr. 
 How does Germany (I very nearly say Shermany) 
 suffer more than the others ? And we have had no 
 complaints from them.' 
 
 He ruminates, and seems to me to be going to 
 ruminate for some time, so I say as helpfully as 
 a strong desire to tell him and his Government 
 to go to South Sahara will allow me : 
 
 ' I will note your complaint, Freiherr, and see
 
 36 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 if there is anything in it, and I will let you know 
 the result.' 
 
 ' I tank you,' he grates out, ' I vill call some 
 more.' 
 
 He gets up after this threat, has three spasms 
 of a peculiarly painful nature, and goes. I ring 
 the bell, and on Mr. Tomkins appearing, ask 
 him what copper plaques we have been order- 
 ing lately, and for what purpose we wanted 
 them. He indignantly denies any knowledge of 
 an order for copper plaques, but he says we have 
 been asking for tenders for five hundred thousand 
 copper coins. 
 
 Of course ! What an ass I am ! The idiot 
 did not know the word for ' coins,' and called 
 them plaques. And our respected friends the 
 Shermans are at their old tricks. The dodge is 
 a simple one. They don't tender, but wait to 
 see what the lowest offer is. They then try and 
 get the adjudication annulled on the ground 
 that they had not time to tender or some non- 
 sense of that sort, and when the order is put up 
 to adjudication again, they compete with the 
 advantage of knowing the lowest tender. If they 
 cannot carry out this swindle, then they make a 
 grievance of the question, and demand that they 
 shall be compensated by being given some par- 
 ticularly lucrative piece of business by the 
 Egyptian Government. Oh, they are a sweet, 
 straightforward, honest lot, the Meinherrs ! I 
 will write presently and tell the Freiherr I see 
 no foundation for his ' gomblaint.' 
 
 As Mr. Tomkins shows in Signorini, I see a
 
 OFFICE PART II 37 
 
 gleam of pleasure in his eye. He knows that 
 these interviews result badly for the Govern- 
 ment as a rule. Signorini is a middle-aged 
 gentleman, faultlessly dressed in the newest 
 fashion. His grey hair gives him an appearance 
 of respectability, and his open and candid ex- 
 pression inspires confidence from the first 
 moment you see him ; and it is on that candid 
 expression that he has lived in luxury ever since 
 he attained the dignity of manhood. His mind 
 is well cultivated, and his knowledge of history 
 and literature extensive. He speaks five lan- 
 guages with fluency and accuracy, and is an 
 amateur of no small merit in music and paint- 
 ing. His collection of Ptolemaic antiquities is 
 one of the finest in Egypt, and he has published 
 a very readable treatise on the subject. In con- 
 versation he is quick and witty, and he has a 
 pleasant geniality of expression. 
 
 And he would swindle the coat off the back of 
 a blind beggar. 
 
 After a few desultory remarks on the heat of 
 the weather and the prospects of the cotton 
 crop, he opens his business. 
 
 He is a master of his art. He does not nauseate 
 one with platitudes about progress or try to per- 
 suade one that he is a philanthropist. He begins 
 by telling me that he, or rather those he represents, 
 wish to buy a large area of Government land on 
 the outskirts of Cairo. They would then level it, 
 lay it out in streets, build houses on it, and sell 
 them off to the public. 
 
 It is true he wants the land at a low price, but
 
 38 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 unless it is sold for some such scheme, what can the 
 Government do with it ? The expense of levelling 
 and laying out streets, putting in water and gas 
 mains, etc., will be heavy, and can only be done by 
 people who are prepared to spend a lot of money, 
 so the Government cannot sell the area piecemeal 
 to small buyers, and produce the same results. 
 Again, at present, as waste land it brings in no 
 revenue, but if it was built over, we should get 
 our house-tax, always worth something. 
 
 If I were another sort of man, he says, he 
 might point out the advantages to the public 
 and to the country which would be gained by 
 the carrying out of such a scheme, but he knows 
 that I can appreciate these things without his 
 telling me, and frankly he does not care a button 
 for the public. He, or rather his syndicate are 
 prepared to carry out whatever bargain they 
 make fairly and loyally, but what they want is 
 the profit, and they don't conceal the fact. Of 
 course it is a big gamble. They may all lose 
 their money over it. He thinks not, or he would 
 not have gone in for it, of that he can assure me. 
 The Government can be assured the work will 
 be well done, because, if it is not so, the syndi- 
 cate will not be able to sell the houses, so the 
 scheme has the best of all guarantees, viz. that 
 the interests of the syndicate and Government 
 are identical. The Government, he agrees, make 
 no great profit, but they sell land which is 
 otherwise unsaleable, and they get their house- 
 tax, besides the indirect advantages to this 
 famous public we hear so much about, and
 
 OFFICE PART II 39 
 
 they take no risks at all. He mentions the 
 price he is prepared to give, which, though 
 low, is not unreasonably so, considering the 
 levelling, etc. 
 
 Of course, like all his proposals, it sounds 
 admirable. I wonder where the flaw is. 
 
 He continues that he does not want to make 
 a complicated agreement. Where interests are 
 identical this is not necessary. He simply wants 
 to buy the land and agree to level it. The rest 
 is a matter for the syndicate. He proposes, 
 therefore, that they should be given possession 
 of the land at once and allowed two years in 
 which to level it, with an option of purchase 
 on each hundred square metres levelled. Will 
 I consider it and let him know, and will I be so 
 kind as to keep the matter a profound secret 
 at all events as to the actual place ? because 
 otherwise all the small proprietors, of whom there 
 are twenty or thirty on land adjoining the plot 
 in question, and whom it will be necessary to buy 
 out quietly, will get wind of the scheme and put 
 their prices up to fantastic figures. 
 
 That is all, he says airily, and it was most kind 
 of me to have seen him. 
 
 He must now return to Alexandria, where he 
 lives, and see after the unhappy Duclos, whose 
 house he is living in. Have I not heard ? Oh, 
 but it is the best story in the world. This 
 miserable Duclos, who is sixty and shaped like 
 a tun, must play the gay Lothario. It is too 
 comic for words, and then follows a story which 
 I was just going to write down, but on reflection
 
 40 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 think I had better not. When S. tells them 
 they sound so light and amusing, one does not 
 realise that they are unfit for publication. 
 
 I admit that this one makes me laugh, and S. 
 swaggers off to his carriage. 
 
 Mr. Tomkins brings in a note from Carter, the 
 general manager of the State railways. 
 
 DEAR C. We have found a site for the new goods 
 station. I cannot at present tell you the exact locality, 
 but the syndicate who own it have offered to level and 
 deliver in two years at a fairly reasonable price. Much 
 less than we should have to pay if we expropriated and 
 levelled it, for you know what the Courts make us pay 
 in such cases. 
 
 The matter, at the request of the syndicate, is to be 
 kept a dead secret, as they have certain negotiations on 
 with regard to outlying small proprietors which they 
 wish to terminate before the scheme becomes public 
 property. I promised to tell no one, but cannot help 
 letting you know privately. I believe the land was 
 old Government land, but has been recently sold. 
 
 Well, I am blessed ! Of all the calm cheek I 
 ever heard of ! S. has solemnly fooled the 
 railways (probably bribed a clerk or two) into 
 believing that the land is the syndicate's, and 
 he very nearly succeeded in buying it from me. 
 Telling Carter that it used to belong to the 
 Government was an artistic touch. It would 
 explain away any awkward description of the 
 land on any plan Carter looked at. He would 
 not be surprised or frightened by its being 
 marked as Government land. The railways too 
 have a separate land department from the rest
 
 OFFICE PART II 41 
 
 of the Government, and S. hoped to slip through 
 between the two of us. 
 
 I ring up Carter on the telephone and put a few 
 questions to him. Yes, just as I thought : the 
 profit would have been just over 200 per cent. I 
 feel almost sorry that so noble a scheme has 
 failed, but I sit down and write : 
 
 MY DEAR SIGNORINI, I am so sorry, but I stupidly 
 forgot that the land you want to purchase is not for 
 sale. We want it for the new railway goods station. 
 Please treat this as confidential. Yours, etc. 
 
 For once I am even with him. 
 
 Ahmed Bey Kalaam, who now enters my 
 room, is a fat little man with a round pink face 
 and short grey hair, and a pair of small bright 
 black eyes. He is attired in a rather neglige 
 manner as becomes a man of culture and artistic 
 temperament, and wears the low tarbush in- 
 dicating a Nationalist. He is, though an ardent 
 patriot, a friend of mine, and often comes to me to 
 pour out his overcharged soul and try to obtain 
 some money for one or other of his literary or 
 patriotic schemes. 
 
 He is obviously to-day in a highly excited 
 condition. He sinks into the chair I offer him 
 as if he could no longer bear the weight that is 
 pressing on his patriotic shoulders. 
 
 After asking after his health, which he says is as 
 good as he can hope for, I ask him what I can do 
 for him. He replies that he feels absolutely dis- 
 heartened, his spirit, though it has for a long time 
 resisted the worries and troubles of life, is almost 
 broken.
 
 42 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 I express my sorrow, but suggest that if he will 
 tell me his trouble I may be able to assist him. 
 
 He now produces his handkerchief and wipes 
 away a tear, and proceeds, in a voice broken with 
 emotion, to tell me his sad history. He begins 
 by informing me that from his boyhood up he 
 has loved his country more than his life. He 
 was born of a military family who have habitually 
 given up their lives on the glorious field of battle, 
 so it is, so to speak, bred in him and he cannot 
 help it. If he, too, could have fought for his 
 country and died for her, he would have done so 
 with enthusiasm. He will ever mourn over the 
 fact I must not mind his saying this that 
 owing to a severe attack of liver trouble he was 
 absent from the field of Tel-el-Kebir. There he 
 could have died as his fathers had died, and by 
 now he would have been forgotten by all except 
 perhaps a few devoted friends. 
 
 Here the thought of his might-have-been-heroic 
 end again overcomes his manly pride, and he 
 weeps silently into his handkerchief. 
 
 With an effort, however, he recovers himself 
 and continues that, as the tented field was not 
 for him, he had thrown himself heart and soul, 
 in spite of the repeated remonstrances of his 
 doctor, into every scheme which was started 
 for the benefit and advancement of his com- 
 patriots. He had sacrificed health, money 
 (though this he despises), and even his literary 
 ambitions in order to carry out his duty. What 
 was the result ? Was he assisted and encouraged ? 
 Was he met with approbation and help ? No,
 
 OFFICE PART II 43 
 
 a thousand times no ! He was met with jealousy 
 and ill-will, he was hindered and thwarted at 
 every turn. He was at last disgusted. He 
 would bear it no more. He would retire to 
 Mecca, and pass the rest of his days in medita- 
 tion and literary pursuits. 
 
 He works himself up as he goes on, and, unless 
 I do something, he will have an apoplectic fit 
 or something of the sort. I say to him as sooth- 
 ingly as I can, that I am deeply grieved to hear 
 that he has been so badly treated, but he must 
 remember he has still friends who respect and 
 esteem him, and he must not let the petty 
 jealousies of unworthy men grieve him to so 
 great an extent. Perhaps if he would confide the 
 matter to me I might be of service to him. 
 
 He murmurs his thanks, and adds that I have 
 always been a father to him. This is the painful 
 story. Some time back he suggested the idea 
 of founding a patriotic library in Egypt, exclu- 
 sively for the collection and preservation of 
 works by Egyptian authors. There was to be 
 a reading-room attached, where true patriots 
 could come and imbue their souls with the 
 spirit of their country their beloved, unhappy 
 country for half a piastre a time. The idea 
 was received with favour, money was sub- 
 scribed, and a large sum was given by Prince 
 Ahmed Ibrahim, who, though undoubtedly 
 eccentric, was by no means, as some low-minded 
 dogs pretended, insane (one of the low-minded 
 dogs in question, if I remember rightly, was 
 the director of the lunatic asylum). The
 
 44 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 building was constructed and many valuable 
 books were bought (among others, Kalaam's, I 
 think), but, alas, it was not a success. The 
 youth of Egypt were not yet sufficiently raised 
 from that deep abyss of despair into which 
 the misfortunes of their unhappy country had 
 plunged them, to appreciate the religious com- 
 mentaries of the Middle Ages, which form the 
 richest porti6n of Egyptian literature. They still 
 preferred the lighter works of modern French 
 authors. No one came to the Library, and, as I 
 doubtless remembered, the books were given to the 
 Khedivial Library, and the building was devoted 
 to carrying on a patriotic music hall. He 
 regrets that even this has been since closed 
 by the orders of the tyrannical police, because 
 they pretended that the performance was not 
 decent. How could totally inartistic people 
 like the police know what was or was not decent ? 
 (I remember. It had the distinction of being 
 one of the very few music halls ever closed 
 by the police in Egypt. We cannot be accused 
 of undue prudery here.) But with this act of 
 high-handed injustice he was not now concerned. 
 When the scheme of the Egyptian Library 
 was abandoned, there were still a few pounds of 
 the money originally subscribed left over in his, 
 Kalaam's, charge. He, Kalaam, thought earnestly 
 what should be done with these. He did not 
 merely consider the matter in a superficial way, 
 but devoted his whole intellect to the question. 
 It kept him awake at nights ; it was never absent 
 from his thoughts during the day.
 
 OFFICE PART II 45 
 
 At last one day an idea came to him, like a 
 flash of light, an idea which he felt sure would be 
 agreeable and applauded by all. He would send 
 the money to the poor of Mecca. He felt so sure 
 that this would be in accordance with the wishes 
 of all, that he did not even consult any one 
 about it, as perhaps he might otherwise have 
 done. 
 
 Had he known the dogs he had to deal with, 
 he would have cast the filthy money back in 
 their dirty and ignoble faces. As it was, because 
 he could not imagine that there could be on this 
 globe such moral obliquity, such black turpitude, 
 he sent it off next day to a friend in Mecca for 
 distribution amongst the deserving poor of that 
 holy place. Now, was it possible to believe that, 
 instead of applauding his action, the family of 
 the poor Prince Ahmed Ibrahim, who has been 
 most unjustly deprived by the courts of law of 
 the management of his affairs, claimed that the 
 money should have been returned to them ? 
 Not content with this outrageous suggestion, 
 they dared to say that the Prince, their own 
 kinsman, was mad when he gave the money 
 originally, and, plunging still deeper into the 
 filth from which they sprang, they demanded 
 from him, Ahmed Kalaam, an honest gentle- 
 man and patriot, a receipt to show that the 
 money had been sent to the poor of Mecca. 
 What degradation and what foolishness ! As if 
 one took receipts from the poor ! Still, in spite 
 of the dignified protests which he had made at 
 this treatment, they were actually proceeding in
 
 46 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 the courts of law against him, Ahmed Kalaam, 
 the patriot, as if he were a common trader, for 
 the return of this sum which now, it might be 
 hoped, was rejoicing the hearts of the aged, 
 the widows, and the fatherless in the Sacred 
 City. 
 
 Here, again overcome by his feelings, the 
 patriot sobbed afresh. 
 
 I do my best to comfort him by saying that 
 ingratitude is the commonest of crimes, and that 
 often the best motives are misunderstood. At 
 the same time, though his action would doubt- 
 less be perfectly understood by his friends and 
 by all the artistic and cultivated sections of the 
 community, it might not seem so easy of explana- 
 tion to the judges, who have even less artistic 
 sense than the police, whom in this respect they 
 much resemble. On the whole, then, as I know 
 that money is no object to him, and rather a 
 thing he despises, and as it is important that no 
 breath of suspicion, however unjust, should rest 
 on a patriot, and in view of the narrow, inartistic 
 point of view of the judges, I should advise 
 him to send back to his traducers a sum of 
 money equal to that which he has sent to 
 Mecca, thus taking that charitable deed to his 
 own account. 
 
 At this advice the patriot is even more 
 bitterly affected than ever ; but, on my press- 
 ing him to consider it, he says he will do so, and 
 takes leave of me mournfully, doubtless to think 
 out carefully from what other patriotic source he 
 can obtain the necessary sum to satisfy the
 
 OFFICE -PART II 47 
 
 grovelling, money-grubbing relatives of the eccen- 
 tric and unfortunate Prince, who incidentally, 
 I heard recently, is in considerable trouble 
 himself, as he is convinced that he is a water- 
 wheel, and they won't give him any oxen to 
 turn him round. 
 
 One cannot tell if friend Ahmed has stolen 
 the money or merely muddled it away. In any 
 case, one's only chance of getting him to behave 
 properly is to pretend to believe him. 
 
 The three gentlemen who next appear before 
 me file into the room with the air of being the 
 bearers of responsibility almost too great to be 
 borne. 
 
 They are obviously the usual 4 cast,' the 
 capitalist, the lawyer, and the local expert. 
 
 The first is a portly gentleman with a large 
 extent of waistcoat, irreproachably but a trifle 
 over dressed, and as full of dignity as a turkey 
 cock. His ancestry probably formed the rear- 
 guard of Moses' army when they left this 
 country, and gave particular attention to the 
 borrowing of the jewels. 
 
 The lawyer, of Greco-French extraction, with 
 a smattering of Italian, Smymiot, and Armenian 
 blood in him, was born in Malta, and is therefore 
 a fellow-countryman. He carries some large 
 bundles of papers, and has a defiant you-can't^ 
 bully-me air. 
 
 The third is a very dark gentleman, whose sub- 
 servient manner and semi- Semitic features betray 
 the Syrian. He carries a huge roll of maps and an 
 extraordinary tall hat, made apparently of black
 
 48 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 satin. He wears what he conceives to be an air 
 of frankness and conscious virtue, and his eye 
 continually wanders to the capitalist, whom he 
 regards with the air of hungry worship. 
 
 Mr. Simson (late Simeon) introduces his two 
 confederates (using my official title of ' Lord 
 Seesil ') as ' Mr. Dupong, our legal adviser in 
 this country, and Mr. Cassab, who is acting as 
 our local representative.' I beg them to be 
 seated, and after a remark or two in a low tone 
 to Dupong, the lawyer, Mr. Simson begins as 
 follows : 
 
 4 Lord Seesil, I am here on behalf of a certain 
 very influential group of capitalists to lay certain 
 proposals before you, as the representative of 
 the Egyptian Government. I may as well say 
 at once that the proposal is a very important 
 one, involving large sums of money, and one 
 which I think it will be very much in the interest 
 of the Egyptian people to accept. I will not, 
 Lord Seesil, conceal from you that we did not 
 take this matter up with any eagerness. I may 
 say I was extremely unwilling to go into it. I 
 will be quite frank with you, and tell you that 
 as a business man this proposal is not worth 
 taking up.'. 
 
 Here the other two nod their approval. 
 
 ' There is no doubt, Lord Seesil,' he proceeds, 
 ' a possibility I cannot say, I am sorry to say, a 
 probability of substantial profit, but it is alto- 
 gether too remote to tempt one to put money 
 which might be much better employed else- 
 where into this venture. So to start with, I
 
 OFFICE PART II 49 
 
 may say we do not, at all events, for many years, 
 look for great, or even sufficient return for our 
 money.' 
 
 ' No,' from the other two, in low but con- 
 vinced tones. 
 
 'Mr. Dupong will tell you that when he 
 examined the papers, he said to me, " Mr. Sim- 
 son, sir, I hope I am not called upon to advise 
 as to the desirability of the scheme from a 
 financial point of view." " Mr. Dupong," I 
 replied, " you are not, but I should be very 
 glad to have your opinion." He replied, as he 
 will tell you, " There is very little in it." ' 
 
 Here the lawyer, who had been nodding his 
 adherence to and appreciation of the Lion's 
 roaring, interposes, ' Pardon me, Mr. Simson I 
 said there is nothing in it.' 
 
 ' I beg your pardon, Mr. Dupong, you are 
 right. You said there is nothing in it.' 
 
 4 1 replied to Mr. Dupong that I knew that 
 only too well, but that other considerations 
 came in. Now, before I lay the actual proposal 
 before you, I should like to make my position 
 quite clear in this matter. 
 
 * You will naturally ask, if there is little or no 
 profit in this scheme, why do I, and the gentle- 
 men acting with me, wish or consent to take it 
 up ? My reply is this. 
 
 * In the first place, I and my friends have 
 always taken a deep interest in the country, 
 both on account of its great history, its com- 
 mercial importance to the civilised world, and 
 the part which our country ' (by this, by the
 
 50 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 way, Mr. Simson means England, not Judaea) 
 4 has recently taken in its reorganisation and 
 progress, so that, if other things are equal, we 
 consider it a very suitable place for the employ- 
 ment of our capital. Now, in order to employ 
 that capital to the best advantage of ourselves 
 (for I don't pretend to be anything but a busi- 
 ness man) and of the country of Egypt, it is 
 necessary for us to obtain a position in the 
 country, to be known as reliable and respect- 
 able men of business, and, most important of 
 all, to obtain the confidence and respect of 
 the Egyptian Government. We want to be in 
 the position to be able to come to you or Sir 
 John, and say we have this or that proposal to 
 lay before you for our mutual advantage, and 
 for you to trust us, knowing from past experi- 
 ence that you can fully rely on the soundness 
 and fairness of the business we propose. And 
 it is to this future business, and not to our 
 present venture, that we look for a fair return 
 on our money. I also wish to say that I made 
 it very clear when I joined this group, that I 
 would have nothing to do with any scheme 
 which was not run on the most strictly honour- 
 able and business-like lines, or which did not 
 meet with the heartiest approval and support 
 of the Egyptian Government. Mr. Dupong here 
 will tell you that that has been my line from 
 the first, as it has always been in all business 
 I have taken up.' 
 
 Here Mr. Dupong murmured, c Most un- 
 doubtedly, you made that point quite clear
 
 OFFICE PART II 51 
 
 no possible doubt of that,' and other laudatory 
 and confirmatory remarks. 
 
 I see I am supposed to say something, but 
 I can think of nothing but remarks like ' You 
 surprise me ! ' c How odd ! ' 4 Extraordinary ! ' 
 and such like, which obviously would not do. 
 So like the great Lord Burghley, I gravely 
 incline my head and say nothing. Mr. Simson 
 appears satisfied, for he now turns on Dupong 
 and says, 4 Perhaps you would not mind read- 
 ing out to Lord Seesil that short memorandum 
 we prepared on the subject.' 
 
 Mr. Dupong immediately opens his largest 
 bundle of papers, and proceeds to select the 
 required document. During the process he 
 shows or repeats the names of most of the 
 leading firms and financiers in Europe and Egypt 
 in the following way. c Let me see. Cassel, 
 no, that 's not it ; Rothschild, no ; Baring, no ; 
 Benachi, no ; Delta Railways, no ; ah ! here 
 it is ! ' and, adjusting his glasses, he begins to 
 read it out. 
 
 After some paragraphs which bear a striking 
 resemblance to the speech of Mr. Simson, both 
 in style and purport, the scheme unfolds itself. 
 I recognise, with a sort of unholy joy, an old 
 friend in a new dress. It is a land concession. 
 
 The substance of this particular sort of swindle 
 is always the same, though the details differ, 
 as the cookery book says, to taste. The con- 
 cessionaire asks for a large area of waste un- 
 irrigated land at a nominal price, and declares 
 he only wants drainage water, i.e. water that
 
 52 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 has been already used for irrigation, and which 
 is full of salt and other impurities, and which 
 is therefore quite useless for ordinary crops. 
 He explains that he is going to grow Californian 
 hemp or Paraguayan fibre plant or mulberry 
 trees for silk-worm raising, all of which plants, 
 let us suppose, don't mind bad water. 
 
 When he has obtained his concession (if he 
 gets it), he proceeds to put all sorts of pressure 
 on the Government to get good water brought 
 to the land, and probably eventually gets it. 
 He then sells the land for cotton cultivation 
 for more pounds than he paid pennies for it. 
 
 I hear all the dear old phrases I am used to in 
 such cases increased taxable area, large profit 
 to the Government, new industry, remedy for 
 the danger caused by depending only on cotton, 
 and so on. 
 
 After the reading of this document has come 
 to an end with an unusually nauseating para- 
 graph about future progress and the benevolent 
 Egyptian Government, Mr. Simson again addresses 
 me on the merits of the proposition with the 
 air of one who is prepared to confer a great 
 benefit on the community at large, and on me 
 in particular. He has a kind of 4 you- don 't- 
 of ten - get -a - chance - like - this - my-lad - but - there - 
 my-benevolence-is-so-great-I-cannot-help-it ' air. 
 He adds graciously that he does not wish to 
 press me for an opinion on the proposal, until 
 I have had time to think it over, as the more 
 it is examined, the better he will be pleased. He 
 then directs the Syrian to show me the plans.
 
 OFFICE PART II 53 
 
 That worthy, whose admiration is obviously 
 unbounded for the man who steals thousands 
 while he has had to content himself with an 
 odd fiver here and there, unfolds the plans 
 and glibly explains them with a half-imploring 
 glance at his chief from time to time, as much 
 as to say, ' Lion, when you kill, don't forget 
 your faithful jackal, who is lying his throat 
 sore for you now.' 
 
 The plans are really works of art. Ground 
 plans showing the plantations and factory, the 
 latter of great extent. Elevations showing most 
 magnificent buildings and sheds with large 
 chimneys pouring out dense clouds of smoke, 
 houses bristling with verandahs, and covered 
 with climbing roses and Bougainvillias, interiors 
 and sections showing the costly machinery and 
 magnificent installation and furniture. The 
 manager's house is a palace, the sub-manager's 
 is a mansion, and even the sub-assistant engineer 
 lives in a villa which would be cheap at 300 a 
 year. I duly admire the plans, and listen to 
 the strings of figures which Mr. Cassab pours 
 forth, showing the enormous expenditure the 
 syndicate is prepared to undertake. 
 
 It is always amusing to notice the accuracy 
 of the details in an imaginary concern like this. 
 Cassab explains volubly that the quality of the 
 machinery renders it more expensive than was 
 intended, but that, owing to the conditions of 
 the country, this is necessary. The sum esti- 
 mated for the manager's palace ends in four 
 shillings and threepence, and so on. When
 
 54 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Cassab has finished this monument of menda- 
 city, Mr. Simson gravely commends the question 
 to our earnest consideration, mentions that 
 the Government can rely on the honour of 
 himself and his fellows, and retires with great 
 dignity, accompanied by his satellites, while I 
 send the papers to a noble institution called the 
 Concessions Committee, whose business it is to 
 put an end to such schemes by asking for ade- 
 quate guarantees and legal undertakings, which 
 friend Simson and his confederates would never 
 think of giving, even if they could. 
 
 I am glad Simson mentioned his honour, as it 
 completes the picture, so to speak. I have never 
 met a real rogue who could keep that word off 
 his lips for long.
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 COUNCIL 
 
 I HAVE scarcely had time to dispose of a dozen 
 papers after Mr. Simson's departure, when I 
 am summoned to the presence of his Excel- 
 lency the President of the Council, by his 
 secretary, a particularly greasy individual, with 
 a cast in the eye and a supreme lack of those 
 principles which are so inconvenient in the 
 transaction of business, who informs me that 
 their Excellencies wish to consult me about 
 their summer offices at Alexandria. From this 
 I deduce that a sort of informal council is sitting 
 a practice to which their Excellencies are 
 much given, as it enables them to weave those 
 remarkable webs of, shall we say, arrange- 
 ments in which their souls delight, without 
 the interfering presence of a brutal and stupid 
 foreigner. The question of their summer offices 
 is one of the few which really stirs that august 
 body, our council, to its depths. Up to now 
 we have occupied temporary offices, but it 
 has been proposed to change this and build, 
 buy, or hire adequate permanent accommo- 
 dation. As I am their Excellencies' adviser 
 
 during the summer months, they doubtless con- 
 es
 
 56 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 sider that I should be consulted in the matter, 
 or, to put it more formally, receive their per- 
 sonal instructions on the point. 
 
 On entering the President's room, I find that 
 all the Ministers are there that is, those in 
 charge of the Departments of Public Instruc- 
 tion, Foreign Affairs, Public Works and War 
 (combined), Justice, and my own Minister of 
 Finance. The President, who is also Minister 
 of the Interior, receives me with a limp ' hand- 
 shake,' and waves me courteously to a seat. 
 After shaking hands with the august body indi- 
 vidually, I settle myself in the only arm-chair 
 vacant, and prepare for what I know will prob- 
 ably be a lengthy interview. The President, 
 with an oleaginous smile, opens the question. 
 He wishes to know what has been done about 
 providing the Ministers with offices for the 
 coming summer. 
 
 Before I can answer that nothing has been 
 done pending his instructions, Foreign Affairs, 
 who resembles a football in figure, breaks in 
 by asking me whether I do not think we had 
 better revert to the old arrangement of taking 
 rooms in the principal hotel. This is the signal 
 for a general murmur of dissent, and the Pre- 
 sident raises his hand with a deprecatory gesture 
 and begs Foreign Affairs to be silent. ' First,' 
 he says majestically, ' let us hear what has 
 been done ; afterwards we can discuss the various 
 proposals.' I hasten to explain that so far 
 nothing has been done. 
 
 ' That,' says his Excellency, placing one
 
 COUNCIL 57 
 
 hand inside his waistcoat in a ministerial atti- 
 tude, ' makes matters much easier, as it leaves 
 us a free hand.' This optimistic opinion is re- 
 ceived with dignified approval. 
 
 4 Very well,' says the irrepressible Foreign 
 Affairs, 4 we will take rooms in the hotel.' 
 
 ' What reasons do you put forward for such 
 a step ? ' asks the President. ' We must not 
 act without reason.' Now this puts Foreign 
 Affairs in a hole, because he has been asked 
 by the hotel proprietor to get this scheme 
 adopted on the understanding that the grateful 
 proprietor will continue to inflate his football- 
 like figure free of charge, and this, though a 
 good, sound reason, is not one which can be 
 given in council. 
 
 4 It is simpler ; there are no formalities, and 
 one is near one's work,' says Foreign Affairs, 
 after a slight pause. ' In the summer one 
 should always be near one's work.' 
 
 ' I do not like a hotel,' growls Justice, whose 
 digestion has long since practically ceased to 
 exist, and for whom free food is a mockery. 
 4 It is not dignified to have a Ministry with a 
 number on the door ; besides this, there is a 
 band which plays. I cannot work with a band 
 playing.' 
 
 ' I prefer a band,' says Foreign Affairs ; ' it is 
 more gay ; besides, you need not listen.' 
 
 4 It is so loud that one cannot hear,' joins in 
 Public Works ; 4 how can one discuss grave 
 matters to a polka ? ' 
 
 The cause is virtually lost, but Public In-
 
 58 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 struction, who is, or was twenty years ago, 
 rather a gay 'dog,' but considers it necessary, 
 since he assumed his present office, to take a 
 high moral line, gives it the finishing blow, by 
 saying with a puritanical air : ' Undesirable 
 people of both sexes live in hotels. It is not 
 fitting that the seat of Government should be 
 in such a place.' 
 
 Foreign Affairs, with a look at Public In- 
 struction which implies that he would like to 
 enter on Lady Cardiganesque reminiscences with 
 regard to his colleague, sinks into a sulky silence. 
 
 Justice now growls out that ' the only thing 
 to do is to hire a quiet villa near the sea, where 
 we can live in quiet ; and besides that, the sea 
 air is excellent for the health.' It would be 
 both dignified and comfortable. 
 
 This suggestion is not received with enthu- 
 siasm. Our President, however, remarks that 
 there is much to be said for a villa. The Romans 
 lived in villas. 
 
 1 And baths,' adds Public Instruction, who 
 feels it incumbent on him to display a little 
 departmental learning. 
 
 ' I won't work in a bath,' Foreign Affairs says 
 indignantly. ' Do you call that dignified ? ' 
 
 This plagiarism on Sartor Resartus is received 
 with pitying contempt by Public Instruction, 
 who says, ' Their baths were quite different to 
 ours. When I was in Rome I went often . . . ! ' 
 Here the President breaks in with, 'There is 
 no suggestion of baths ; we are discussing 
 villas.'
 
 COUNCIL 59 
 
 Fixing his bilious eye with stern reprobation 
 on his colleague of the Foreign Affairs, his 
 Excellency of Justice continues his remarks. 
 He points out that they must either construct 
 a suitable house for their accommodation or 
 acquire an existing building, and as they have 
 no time to erect the necessary construction, 
 which would take much thought and considera- 
 tion even before the plans could be drawn, 
 nothing remains but to take an existing build- 
 ing. Of course they could buy a house, but 
 again this would take some time before the 
 necessary formalities could be accomplished, 
 and, moreover, if they were to take permanent 
 quarters, it would be better to build. ' But 
 you have just said we have no time, mon cher? 
 from Foreign Affairs. Justice, more outraged 
 than ever, wishes to know if this is a serious 
 discussion, and the President has again to inter- 
 vene. ' I think,' he says, with the air of one 
 solving a profound problem, ' our colleague of 
 the Justice has not finished his remarks. I am 
 not sure, but I think so.' Justice, who is now 
 getting obviously sulky, continues : ' If there is 
 no time to build 
 
 4 What sort of house would you build if you 
 did build ? ' asks Public Instruction, inter- 
 vening. ' If you want a cheap house built 
 quickly, a thoroughly satisfactory house in every 
 way, there is, I am told, an excellent contractor, 
 a charming fellow, they tell me.' 
 
 At this point his Excellency of Public Works, 
 a stolid and fish-like individual, who has been
 
 60 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 regarding Public Instruction with stony disap- 
 proval, says, in tones as distinct as his adipose 
 deposit will allow : ' All building is a matter 
 for the consideration of the Public Works.' 
 
 4 Unluckily,' breaks in the irrepressible Foreign 
 Affairs. 
 
 4 How unluckily ? ' says the Minister of Public 
 Works, turning his fish-like gaze on his other 
 colleague. Foreign Affairs is a little dashed by 
 the tone and look, but he tries to carry it off 
 gaily. i Mon cher, it must be agreed that your 
 Department's buildings are not of the cheapest, 
 and they fall down.' 
 
 4 How " fall down " ? ' wheezes the Minister 
 of Public Works, with awful emphasis. 
 
 4 How do I know ? ' replies Foreign Affairs. 
 ' In the usual way, flat. Look at the Law 
 Courts at Tanta.' 
 
 c Or the school at Beni Suef,' chimes in Public 
 Instruction. 
 
 ' Or the new wing of the Mixed Court at 
 Zagazig,' adds the Minister of Justice malevo- 
 lently. The Minister of Public Works looks 
 on his colleagues with cold but contemptuous 
 dislike. ' These buildings were built,' he 
 wheezes, ' before I became Minister. I could 
 not hold them up. Besides, it is a technical 
 matter, and 
 
 At this point the Prime Minister again inter- 
 venes and mildly reproves the council, expresses 
 his confidence in the Department of Public 
 Works, in which he says, ' Every one has seen 
 great improvements since Ahmed Pasha became
 
 COUNCIL 61 
 
 Minister ; of course, there are accidents, but 
 when one considers the difficulty of building a 
 house, one only wonders that they do not fall 
 down more often.' 
 
 He adds that ' he, however, believes the 
 Minister of Justice is not advocating the build- 
 ing of a house. He may be wrong, but he 
 understood him to say that it took too long.' 
 
 His Excellency of Justice says that the Prime 
 Minister has rightly interpreted his views. If 
 there is, as he said before, no time to build 
 or buy, and it has been rightly decided to do 
 away with the undignified custom of the council 
 meeting at an inn, there only remains one 
 course, to hire a suitable villa somewhere in 
 an agreeable situation. Of course it is not 
 
 o 
 
 easy to hire a really good house, but in this 
 matter perhaps he can help their Excellencies. 
 The villa of Ahmed Bey Nessim would, he 
 thinks, be not unsuitable in fact, perhaps 
 the best that could be obtained. He does not 
 conceal from the council that he has, in order 
 to be prepared for such an eventuality, spoken 
 to Ahmed Bey, who, though he was not at all 
 willing to let, has been public-spirited enough 
 to say he would place his house at the disposal 
 of the Ministry for a very moderate rent, con- 
 sidering the inconvenience he must necessarily 
 be put to by letting it. 
 
 This proposal is received in stony silence by 
 the meeting. We are all aware that Ahmed 
 Bey Nessim, pressed by gambling debts, has 
 been moving heaven and earth to let his house,
 
 62 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 which is old-fashioned and rather ramshackle. 
 We are also painfully aware that his Excel- 
 lency of the Justice is chief creditor, and can 
 guess what the moderate terms airily alluded 
 to by his Excellency will probably be. 
 
 Foreign Affairs, who is still smarting under 
 his defeat over the hotel scheme, starts the 
 opposition in his best form. That, he says, 
 is certainly an idea, and the situation of the 
 house, though not, of course, first-class, is 
 better than many ; the fact that there is 
 no road of access, the absence of garden, and 
 the proximity of some huts occupied by the 
 poorer classes, which smell a little, would, no 
 doubt, enable us to get the house at a very 
 low figure, and this is, no doubt, an advan- 
 tage (with a glance at me). Would the Under- 
 secretary of Finance give them some idea what 
 that Ministry would probably pay for such a 
 house for what he might call a third-rate 
 villa ? 
 
 Here the Minister of Justice interrupts heatedly, 
 saying that there is a road of access and a no 
 doubt small, but very lovely garden, whilst the 
 huts mentioned are far away, and no smell has 
 ever been noticed coming from them. 
 
 Public Instruction starts giving us his views on 
 the housing of the poor by making them build 
 houses on the undrained lands outside the city 
 at their own expense, when the Prime Minister 
 checks him, and asks me for my opinion as to 
 the rent. I reply diffidently that their Excel- 
 lencies are much better judges than I am. but,
 
 COUNCIL 68 
 
 in view of all the circumstances of the case, I 
 think twenty pounds a month would be about 
 right. Foreign Affairs exclaims that this is a 
 very generous offer, but, on the other hand, 
 Justice is so incensed that he can scarcely 
 speak. 
 
 What he would have said will never be known, 
 because Finance, who has been dozing peace- 
 fully, falls off his chair, or rather it gives way 
 under him, and he has to be helped up and 
 dusted. 
 
 The Prime Minister is sorry; he now remem- 
 bers that that chair has a broken leg. Finance, 
 who is slowly recovering from the shock, looks 
 as if he would like, in street parlance, to give 
 him something to be sorry for. However, a 
 bell is rung, and a miserable office-keeper and a 
 secretary are heartily abused, which relieves 
 every one's feelings. ' It is very dangerous for 
 a chair to break under one,' remarks Public 
 Instruction. 4 It happened to me last year.' 
 
 Justice agrees, and informs us that his uncle 
 fell off his chair, and was never right in his head 
 afterwards. 
 
 ' With me,' says Public Instruction, ' it was 
 different. I hurt my back.' 
 
 The Prime Minister and their other Excel- 
 lencies having given their views on this inter- 
 esting subject and shaken their heads over 
 the dangers which surround us even in chairs, 
 the Prime Minister asks the Minister of Justice 
 what he thinks of the offer of the Finance. 
 Justice haughtily says that, all things con-
 
 64 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 sidered, he will withdraw his proposal. He 
 could not ask Ahmed Bey even to consider such 
 a rent. There is an awkward pause, which is 
 at last broken by the Minister of Public Works, 
 who has remained since the accident with his 
 huge eyes fixed on the ceiling, looking like a 
 reflective cod-fish, saying that, in spite of the 
 remarks which he is sorry to say have been 
 made at this meeting, for him only one course 
 is possible and wise. c We must build,' he 
 says. 
 
 ' By contract,' interposes Public Instruction. 
 ' I know an excellent contractor, a really charm- 
 ing fellow who ' 
 
 ' No,' sternly resumes Public Works. ' We 
 must build ourselves a house suitable for the 
 occupation of the Ministers of Egypt, something 
 really worthy of us, like " Whitall " or " Down 
 Street," only smaller, naturally smaller.' The 
 last sentence is addressed to me, I think as a 
 bait, but owing to a choking sensation I have 
 some difficulty in looking as sympathetic as I 
 could wish. 
 
 ' But that will be more expensive than any 
 villa,' remarks Justice, ' and besides, it would 
 be unsuitable. I am not in favour of erecting 
 copies of foreign buildings ' his Excellency has 
 strong Nationalist leanings ' when we have a 
 glorious architecture of our own.' 
 
 4 There is no reason,' continues the impassible 
 Public Works, c if it is desired, that we should 
 not modify the style to make it more in accord- 
 ance with Arabic Art.'
 
 COUNCIL 65 
 
 ' But why Arabic Art ? ' suggests Public In- 
 struction, who wishes to give us the benefit of 
 knowledge acquired on a recent trip up the 
 Nile, in company with a German professor 
 and a Baedeker. c Is not the art of the Ancient 
 Egyptians even grander ? ' 
 
 Foreign Affairs interposes. ' But it is impos- 
 sible : I have seen these temples and monuments 
 often, and none would be at all suitable for 
 Ministries.' 
 
 ' I beg your pardon,' replies Public Instruc- 
 tion, ' Professor Fliegener showed me the King's 
 House at Karnac, where it is probable that the 
 councils were held. Of course nothing remains, 
 and it is used as a kitchen garden, but one could 
 see where it had been, and it was very interesting.' 
 
 ' Besides, who could build them ? ' continues 
 Foreign Affairs. ' Frankly,' to the Public Works, 
 4 can your Department build big public offices ? 
 Have they the experience ? ' 
 
 ' Build public offices ! ' says Public Works 
 with cold indignation, c we can build anything. 
 We built a railway station, the Cairo Station, 
 which is very large and very remarkable.' 
 
 At this point Finance, who has been looking 
 uneasy, mentions that he is sure he heard one 
 of the chairs crack, he is not sure which. This 
 produces general alarm, and every one gets up 
 and examines his chair, sitting down again 
 gingerly, and bumping up and down cautiously 
 to test them. It is an impressive sight to see 
 their Excellencies slowly bobbing up and down, 
 with faces of solemn anxiety. 
 
 E
 
 66 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ' You should have stronger chairs,' remarks 
 Public Works sternly to the Prime Minister, who 
 smiles agreeably and says : ' If the Finance 
 would only refurnish this office I myself should 
 be delighted, but ' with a smile at me. 
 
 Now this is getting dangerous; in a minute 
 they will all be asking for office furniture, for 
 which they have an insatiable desire, so I 
 turn on Public Works and point out that his 
 scheme, though in accordance with the high 
 traditions of his Department, and worthy of 
 his Excellency's reputation as a statesman, 
 is, I fear, of too large and costly a nature 
 to be considered for the present, though it 
 might be brought forward again at a later 
 date. 
 
 I then turn to Public Instruction and ask him 
 if he has any suggestion. 
 
 His Excellency has. If his proposal to employ 
 a really good contractor to build us a house, 
 no matter if it is the man he knows personally, 
 though he can personally vouch for his work, 
 or not, is negatived, he suggests that we should 
 employ some discreet person to get a list of the 
 houses for sale in Ramleh and the vicinity, 
 without saying for whom the information is 
 required. He suggests that a very suitable 
 broker would be Murad Effendi Fauzi of his 
 Ministry, a most discreet person, and one who 
 is thoroughly versed in business. 
 
 This proposal is really badly received. We 
 may as a body civilly ignore that Foreign 
 Affairs wishes to live free at the hotel, that
 
 COUNCIL 67 
 
 Justice wants to recover his gambling debts, 
 that Public Works would like the commissions 
 he might receive on the buildings, but Murad 
 Fauzi has married the daughter of Public In- 
 struction, and is his agent at Ramleh, where 
 his Excellency has indulged in a large build- 
 ing speculation by running up half a dozen 
 enormous villas (built apparently from plans 
 executed for pavilions in some exhibition, and 
 very properly rejected by the Managing Com- 
 mittee). No, it is too bad. We feel that this 
 proposal is inartistic and unworthy of our 
 traditions. Public Instruction, however, un- 
 mindful of the gathering storm, continues to 
 expatiate on the excellence of his scheme. 
 
 The Prime Minister rises to the occasion. ' I 
 fear,' says he, 'that, excellent as this plan is in 
 many ways, it cannot be carried out.' 
 
 ' Why ? ' asks Public Instruction, in a dis- 
 appointed tone ; ' it is an excellent plan. Now 
 if I- 
 
 ' Because we,' continues the President, with 
 emphasis, ' several of us, own villas in Ramleh, 
 and a subordinate employe might, without know- 
 ing the extent of such a mistake, recommend 
 that one of our houses should be bought by 
 the Government, which would place us in an 
 awkward position. The newspapers would say 
 all sorts of things which, though untrue, would 
 be very mortifying, and perhaps prejudice the 
 Ministry in the eyes of the nation. We,' says 
 the Prime Minister, ' must be above suspicion, 
 even absurd suspicion.'
 
 68 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 We all nod a grave approval, rejoicing inwardly 
 that in many respects we are above suspicion, 
 or, at all events, the effects thereof. 
 
 ' Tiens, do you think,' says Public Instruc- 
 tion in an astonished tone, ' they would dare ? ' 
 
 4 In this age,' says the Prime Minister, ' there 
 is no respect for anything.' 
 
 4 Of course,' says Public Instruction, 4 that 
 without question finishes the matter ; sooner 
 than the breath of suspicion should touch us 
 we would meet in a tent.' 
 
 4 That would be certainly economical,' says 
 Finance, whom a fancied creak from his chair 
 has again aroused to a state of semi-conscious- 
 ness, ' but not comfortable. I lived in a tent 
 once; it made me ill.' 
 
 4 I do not mean,' Public Instruction begins to 
 explain, when Foreign Affairs, who is looking 
 at his watch, exclaims, ' Sapristi, it is nearly 
 one o'clock. I, for one, must go, my dear 
 President, if you will excuse me I have much 
 to do.' 
 
 4 And I.' 4 And I,' chime in the others, as 
 they roll to their feet. Indeed their Excel- 
 lencies' mid-day meal is no light matter. 
 
 Public Works remains alone unmoved. 4 Then 
 what have we decided ? ' 
 
 There is a pause, and I suggest that now that 
 we have discussed the matter in all its bearings, 
 and I have had the honour and pleasure of 
 hearing their Excellencies' very lucid views on 
 the subject, I think we should think matters 
 carefully over, and that then I would venture
 
 COUNCIL 69 
 
 to make some definite proposition which I trust 
 would be acceptable to them. 
 
 4 Trh bien, ires Hen. Yes, yes, that is it,' 
 and, after taking a cordial leave of the Prime 
 Minister, their Excellencies roll off to their wait- 
 ing lunches and I return to my office.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 
 
 WHEN I arrive back at my office I find my 
 outer office crowded with a growling mob of 
 officials, waiting to see me. Before I can 
 attend to them, however, there are between 
 twenty and thirty letters to sign. You have 
 to read through those prepared by Egyptian 
 subordinates with some care, as, apart from 
 their playful habit of inserting matter to suit 
 their own ends, they are apt, through their 
 limited knowledge of foreign languages, to make 
 you say things which give an impression to your 
 correspondent that you have become insane. 
 For example, here is a letter about removing 
 a wreck from the entrance to Alexandria Harbour, 
 in which I am made to say to the Director- General 
 of Ports and Lights that we approve of his em- 
 ploying dynamite ' to puff up the bones of the 
 dead ship,' and another to the Controller of 
 Government Lands in which I solemnly enjoin 
 him to prevent trespassers from entering on a 
 certain piece of Government land, ' whensoever, 
 howsoever, and whatsoever it is,' which might 
 well confuse him. 
 
 Having disposed of these, I begin to interview 
 
 70
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 71 
 
 the waiting officials in turn. This is the hardest 
 bit of the day's work. It consists in giving 
 decisions or rulings on points submitted to 
 you, and giving them, if possible, on the spot, 
 as a delay is often very inconvenient to all 
 concerned. As the rulings are within limits 
 practically absolute, a faulty decision may give 
 rise to a lot of trouble. One has to combine 
 rapid decision with careful work, and to turn 
 one's mind frequently on to a new subject, 
 which is very tiring. 
 
 The native officials are far too fond of referring 
 questions to superior authority, partly because 
 they are timid, and partly because they have 
 no sense of proportionate importance. This is 
 due to the undeveloped state of their intelligence, 
 and to the tradition of bad government which 
 makes them live, like all whose tenure of position 
 or livelihood is precarious, in the present. The 
 immediate effect, not the ultimate result, is what 
 they care about. 
 
 Their anxiety, too, to be on the winning or 
 popular side is almost pathetic. I recently 
 asked a high official of the Accounts Depart- 
 ment for some figures connected with a certain 
 subject. He immediately asked me what I 
 wanted to prove : I told him, and the figures 
 he produced were absolutely convincing and 
 quite fallacious. 
 
 They also waste one's time by their love of 
 high-sounding sentiments and ' seven-footed ' 
 words, with which they fill their written work. 
 These have no real meaning, but they look and
 
 72 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 sound pretty. If a widow of an official asks for 
 a pension, they write pages on the virtues of 
 charity and mercy, and probably end up their 
 report by suggesting a neat way of swindling the 
 poor woman. 
 
 Of the officials whom I see this morning, only 
 three are of any interest. The first, Ishak Effendi 
 Benoiel of the Pensions Department, looks like 
 the Jew one sees on the farcical stage. He 
 begins in a snuffling whine. ' A sad case, a 
 very sad case, M. le Sous- Secretaire. The widow 
 of M. Emile Dupuis, an engineer of great merit, 
 asks for the gratuity of three hundred pounds 
 which she would have obtained if M. Dupuis 
 had fulfilled certain formalities before he died. 
 As he did not do so she has no right to a penny, 
 but ' 
 
 Here he stops for an indication of my views, 
 and, on my murmuring that it is a sad case, 
 continues : ' The Government is ever just and 
 merciful, especially to the weak and defence- 
 less.' 
 
 I say more sternly that, after all, the law is 
 the law. 
 
 4 Precisely,' he continues ; ' she has no right 
 to a penny, and ought not to have applied.' 
 
 Appearing to relent, I remark that, as she is 
 destitute, a small sum might be granted her as 
 a favour. 
 
 ' What I should have expected,' murmurs 
 Ishak, ' from your well-known generosity.' 
 
 ' A small sum,' I repeat, with the accent on 
 the 'small.'
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 78 
 
 ' Ten pounds would be ample,' says Ishak, in 
 a convinced tone. 
 
 I look pained and say, ' A small sum such as 
 two hundred pounds or more.' 
 
 4 From the purely accounting point of view,' 
 says Benoiel, ' no doubt ten pounds would be 
 sufficient, but from the more statesmanlike 
 attitude taken up by your Excellency, an atti- 
 tude that was only to be expected, two hundred 
 to say two hundred and fifty pounds would be 
 a very proper sum.' 
 
 ' Very well,' I say, ' as we have gone so far, 
 I think we might as well give her what she 
 asks three hundred.' 
 
 4 After all, M. le Sous- Secretaire is undoubtedly 
 right. Three hundred pounds, though generous, 
 is not too much. Why split hairs in dealing 
 with the widow of so distinguished a man as 
 my poor friend, Dupuis ? ' 
 
 And so it is decided. It was, no doubt, a 
 waste of time making Ishak turn round and 
 round, but I cannot help doing it. He waltzes 
 so gracefully. 
 
 The next of the three, Ahmed Effendi Murad, 
 belongs to the Treasury, and is a shabbily over- 
 dressed little man, with a superior smile and a 
 particularly noxious brand of scent. 
 
 ' I came,' he says, ' to offer my explanations 
 with regard to the unfortunate but necessary 
 delay in payment of the ten thousand one 
 hundred and six pounds due to Messrs. Giuliano 
 and Strozzi, the contractors.' 
 
 I reply coldly that I shall be glad to hear
 
 74 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 them as, so far, the delay has appeared to me 
 not only inexplicable, but even discreditable to 
 the Government. 
 
 He turns an even more repulsive green than 
 the colour of his tie, but is obviously more 
 hurt than terrified, and is convinced that my 
 remarks are unjust. I continue by pointing out 
 that the bill for the first part of the work under- 
 taken by the contractors was sent in on the 
 thirty-first of March, and was due then. The 
 payment, I regretted to see, took place in Sep- 
 tember. 
 
 The result of this delay in payment was that 
 the work was also delayed, as the contractors 
 pleaded inability to continue the contract until 
 payment was made. 
 
 'I feel confident,' says Ahmed, who does not 
 look it, ' that when your Excellency has heard 
 my explanations you will be satisfied. 
 
 * In the first place, the sum claimed appeared to 
 be two pounds in excess of the amount allowed 
 for the purpose, so we were forced to return the 
 papers with a remark to this effect. We sub- 
 sequently consulted the Public Works Ministry, 
 and found out that, through a most regrettable 
 mistake on the part of that Department, we 
 were misinformed, and that the contractors 
 were right. We immediately informed the firm 
 by a letter, dated the 8th of June, and invited 
 them to make a new demand for payment, 
 which they did on June the 25th. 
 
 4 After the necessary formalities before pay- 
 ment had been nearly completed, it was noticed
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 75 
 
 that the new demand had been signed by only 
 one partner of the firm, M. Strozzi, and he had 
 not signed in the name of the firm. We were 
 therefore compelled to write to him to point 
 out that he had committed an irregularity, 
 and to request him to rectify the error. By 
 some mischance this letter was sent to Europe, 
 and we did not receive his answer till August. 
 
 * Unfortunately, most unfortunately, the answer 
 was not dated, and this omission was not dis- 
 covered until the cheque had actually been 
 signed and was ready for despatch. In view, 
 however, of the necessity for the most absolute 
 regularity in matters of business, we suspended 
 payment until we had again communicated 
 with the firm. 
 
 c In consequence of these irregularities on 
 the part of the contractors, and the regrettable 
 error on the part of the Public Works with 
 reference to the two pounds, the cheque was 
 not actually transmitted until 30th September. 
 But I think that your Excellency will agree 
 that in no respect was the Treasury in fault.' 
 
 And this is his triumphant justification. The 
 real difficulty in these cases is to keep one's 
 temper. Putting a severe restraint on myself, 
 I ask him if he is aware that the result of all 
 this is, that the work has been delayed and 
 that the Government directly and indirectly 
 has lost probably some thousands of pounds. 
 Has it not occurred to his highly-trained intel- 
 lect that we might have paid the contractors, 
 in the month of May, ten thousand one hundred
 
 76 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 and four pounds, holding back the payment of 
 the two pounds until we were satisfied that they 
 were also due to the contractors ? 
 
 No, he must admit, it had not. His busi- 
 ness is to adhere to the regulations, and this he 
 submits he has done, and he is very sorry, etc. 
 
 I realise it is no use trying to get this type 
 of man to see the relative importance of these 
 matters. 
 
 The rest of the interview is unpleasant. 
 
 The third official of the three I have selected 
 is illustrative of another class altogether. 
 
 He is Morcos Bey Tadros of the Lands Depart- 
 ment. He is nearly blind, filthily dirty, and 
 appears to be between three and four hundred 
 years old. 
 
 He has come, he informs me with many un- 
 couth gestures of salutation, by the Controller's 
 request, to explain to me the case of the land 
 required for the site of the new hospital. The 
 matter, which I happen to know about, is in 
 reality simple enough, as far as we are con- 
 cerned. 
 
 Three quarters of the new site belong to us 
 already, but the fourth is in the actual posses- 
 sion of four different people, and claimed by a 
 fifth, a princess, who declares (though I think 
 it is doubtful) that it was given her by the 
 Government in the days of the Khedive Ismail, 
 who apparently stole it from some one else. 
 
 The obvious and only way out of the difficulty 
 is to &jjpropriate the land, pay the full value 
 into Court, and let the claimants fight for it.
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 77 
 
 But Morcos Bey won't admit any such simple 
 solution. He carefully and fully relates the 
 histories of the four present possessors and their 
 families, and the exact way in which each of 
 the four says he obtained possession of his land, 
 and the method by which he actually accom- 
 plished this ; the various negotiations and law- 
 suits which have taken place between the 
 princess and all four possessors collectively and 
 individually ; how the princess alleges she ob- 
 tained her land, and by what arts this was 
 really effected ; if, as she maintains, the land 
 does belong to her, what claims her three hus- 
 bands deceased had during their brief unhappy 
 reigns, and how far those claims have descended 
 to their children. 
 
 He then goes into the way in which the land 
 originally fell into the hands of the Government ; 
 whether Ismail stole it in whole or part, and 
 whether he gave any compensation for its 
 seizure. He gives a short disquisition on the 
 usual methods by which that potentate acquired 
 land, and he is starting on an account of the 
 early life of the man from whom Ismail stole 
 the property when I stop him. He is obviously 
 disappointed, as he has only touched the fringe 
 of his subject, so to speak, and he is almost 
 openly disgusted when I tell him what action 
 I am going to take. 
 
 What he would like to do would be to begin a 
 dozen or so lawsuits, and, after ten years' strenu- 
 ous litigation, obtain the land for double what 
 it will cost us now ; by which time we should
 
 78 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 have forgotten what we wanted it for. His 
 knowledge is immense, his cunning and resources 
 of the finest quality, but he only cares for a 
 case while it is in a tangle, and his grimy old 
 fingers are following up the threads to find the 
 ends. 
 
 For a man of unlimited leisure who liked play- 
 ing twelve games of chess at once, and who 
 hoped to live to be a thousand years old, he 
 would be an ideal land agent. For us his chief 
 merit is that we can make use of the mass of 
 knowledge concerning all the land swindles in 
 Egypt for the past forty years, which he carries 
 in his frowsy, ill-kempt old head. 
 
 He gropes his way out to return to his office 
 and begin on some other labyrinthine question. 
 
 The interviews go on, and the last official 
 waiting to see me has just fled from my just 
 wrath, which has been drawn down on him by 
 his insertion of a paragraph in a letter which 
 might form a precedent for deciding the amount 
 of pension due to his aunt's second cousin's hus- 
 band in a more favourable way than is otherwise 
 likely, when I remember that I promised to lunch 
 with Border. 
 
 Now I always object on principle to going 
 out to lunch. It always results in an unseemly 
 scuffle at the end of the morning to get things 
 finished up, and causes general discomfort ; 
 however, I promised Border to go to his lunch, 
 which, he informed me in his own nervous 
 English, is going to be a ' corker,' whatever a 
 corker may be. It is curious that, though one
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 79 
 
 sternly refuses to accept the lunches one would 
 like to go to, one cannot decline to help a friend 
 who, by his own folly, has succeeded in collect- 
 ing a number of hopelessly uncongenial human 
 beings under his roof. 
 
 Anyhow it is the custom, and he who follows 
 not custom in the East is a fool ; so I tear down- 
 stairs, upsetting a valued public servant at each 
 turn of the stairs, murmuring apologies in any 
 language I remember at the second, and jump 
 into the nearest cab, which apparently had been 
 retained for a portly notable, who is waddling 
 thitherward from the door of the Ministry of Inte- 
 rior, giving vent to shrill cries of anger and distress 
 at this high-handed act. I pretend to think these 
 are only greetings ; and I courteously acknow- 
 ledge them whilst the driver starts his horses 
 off at a gallop. When I last see the notable, 
 who has at length recognised me, and who is 
 the proud possessor of a land claim against 
 the Government of a particularly nebulous kind, 
 he has changed his peacock-like screams of rage 
 for a torrent of salutations backed by an obse- 
 quious smile. 
 
 After imperilling the lives and limbs of various 
 liege subjects of Effendina, as well as those of 
 representatives of most of the foreign Powers, 
 we arrive at Border's exactly twenty minutes 
 late. Luckily Border is not one of the Anglo- 
 Indian or stiff variety of officials, or this un- 
 punctuality would rankle for months. 
 
 I drop some piastres into the very filthy hand 
 of the driver, and bolt up the steps into the hall.
 
 80 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 They have not gone in, as I hear them talking 
 in the drawing-room. 
 
 The Berberine servant announces me with 
 severe simplicity as ' Sisely,' and then adds 
 my office in Arabic. I am sure those who 
 have heard are convinced that my surname 
 is * Malia ' (Finance), which is the last word he 
 pronounced. 
 
 I was called by this name for the whole of the 
 lunch by an American lady, and I never had 
 the courage to tell her she was wrong. 
 
 It certainly looks a c corker,' this lunch. I 
 am hurriedly introduced, and we go in. There 
 are twelve of us, including Border and myself. 
 Let us see who 's here. First, three Americans 
 Papa, an extinct business volcano ; Mama, 
 well preserved, loud, awful ; daughter, very 
 pretty, less loud, less awful. From the quality 
 of drawl and the amount of nose in it, I think 
 they come from the North. 
 
 Next item, middle-aged gentleman and lady, 
 English, with oldish daughter. I fear the father 
 and daughter take a deep interest in Egypt. I 
 smell theories and statistics. 
 
 Item, Mollington of the Agency, ' roped in ' 
 like myself, but next the pretty American, and 
 prepared to make the best of it. Item, Austrian 
 Dip., nice looking, well dressed, and a friend of 
 mine. Item, Mr. and Mrs. Cyril Cruncher of 
 the P.W.D. Cruncher always looks as if he 
 had just escaped from being steamed to death 
 in a laundry, by crawling out through the 
 mangle. Anglo-Indian, full of fever, pains, and
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 81 
 
 etiquette, but a nice fellow and an Al man at 
 his job. Mrs. Cruncher is, to employ Border's 
 language again, ' a holy terror.' I shall catch 
 it from her for being late. I really think Border 
 might have found some one else to meet the 
 Crunchers at lunch ; however, I am in for it 
 now. 
 
 I find I am between the English lady and 
 Mrs. Cruncher. The Austrian Baron, whose 
 name is Sodisky, is on the other side of Mrs. 
 Cruncher, and the English lady, Mrs. Stanley 
 Merton, has Mollington next her. I see the un- 
 happy Cruncher in the clutches of the American 
 lady, but he is always resigned and, I know, 
 looks upon her as a nervous trouble contracted 
 from living in Egypt. 
 
 I hastily turn to Mrs. Merton, leaving the 
 Baron to deal with Mrs. Cruncher. Mrs. Merton 
 begins the conversation by plaintively bewail- 
 ing that cruel fate, acting through the theoretical 
 husband and daughter, has driven her from her 
 happy home to wander in insanitary places. 
 
 ' I cannot say, Lord Edward, that I really 
 enjoy travelling perhaps as much as I ought to 
 do. I was never accustomed to travel when I 
 was young, and I am afraid I prefer my home ; 
 but my husband and Sophia are so interested 
 in Egypt, that they determined to see it, and, as 
 I could not well stay at home alone, I came too. 
 I am sure it is all very interesting, but, for my 
 part, I think it a pity to leave England in the 
 winter, when I have so many things to see to 
 in the parish. I never really studied Egyptian
 
 82 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 history, or it might have been more interesting 
 for me. Of course one knows a small portion 
 of it from the Bible, though that, I am sorry to 
 say, my husband maintains is of doubtful his- 
 torical accuracy. How they can possibly tell if 
 this be so or not, I cannot imagine. After all, 
 I hold what may be called nowadays old-fashioned 
 views, and I would much sooner trust the 
 Prophet Moses than a German professor of 
 whom I have never heard, and who is very pro- 
 bably a spy like the rest of his nation. I must 
 also admit that I find hotel life very trying. I 
 am sure that one meets all sorts of people one 
 had much better not meet, and the cooking is 
 so unwholesome and so greasy. After all, our 
 health is most important, whatever they may 
 say, and, though I am sure you may think me 
 very unenterprising, I prefer to be well and 
 happy in my own home to seeing a Sphinx or a 
 Pyramid, and being in bed for a month after- 
 wards in dreadful pain too very likely.' (And 
 so on.) 
 
 I feel immensely relieved. She is just the 
 sort of old lady I love, and I think if I can only 
 get her on her own home life it will be quite a 
 pleasant lunch ; but I am reckoning without 
 Mrs. Cruncher. 
 
 I have just succeeded in finding out that 
 Mrs. Merton comes from Devonshire, and knows 
 a lot of people I either know or have heard 
 of, is an ardent Imperialist after my own 
 heart, and has a good deal to say on all rural 
 topics, when Mrs. Cruncher, who is obviously
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 83 
 
 not getting on with the Baron, opens on my 
 right flank. 
 
 ' We have not seen much of you this year, 
 Lord Edward. I suppose you are very busy 
 in the Finance too busy to remember about 
 calling.' 
 
 I hastily begin to excuse myself, which is 
 just what the old cat is waiting for. 
 
 4 Ah, I thought you did not leave those cards 
 yourself. I said to Cyril I was sure Mrs. Delaney 
 left them with hers. It is curious how manners 
 have changed. It used to be thought quite the 
 rudest thing one could do.' 
 
 I try to explain again in a hopeless way, 
 making matters considerably worse. 
 
 ' Oh, I am sure you meant no rudeness, Lord 
 Edward, but people seem so much more busy 
 than they used to be. Lord Cromer and Sir 
 William Garstin always found time to pay a 
 personal call.' 
 
 Old liar ! I don't believe either ever did 
 more than send a card by an under sub-assistant 
 private secretary, but I cannot say so. 
 
 ' I suppose, too, it is considered right for a 
 married woman a young married woman to 
 leave gentlemen's cards for them. In my day 
 it would have been considered fast, to say the 
 least of it.' 
 
 Now, hang it all, I shall lose my temper in a 
 moment and be rude, but am saved from this 
 further humiliation by the Baron, who, smiling 
 agreeably, comes to my rescue. 
 
 ' In my country we leave cards only on old
 
 84 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ladies, so there you would be even more un- 
 fortunate.' 
 
 He is a fine liar and a genial one. He races 
 off before Mrs. Cruncher recovers from the 
 compliment, which must have been the first 
 she has heard for fifteen years at least, and 
 pours into her ears, in very daring and remark- 
 able English, a complete account (imaginary) 
 of social life and observances in a garrison 
 town in Hungary, from which country he comes, 
 whilst I get back to Devonshire and a twentieth 
 century edition of Cranford, but, alas, with all 
 my nerves on edge. 
 
 The feeling passes off, however, and by the 
 time the sweet comes round, I am fairly com- 
 fortable again. Mollington now starts talking to 
 Mrs. Merton about some mutual friends and 
 connections, and is disputing quite warmly 
 whether Mrs. Merton's niece's husband is his 
 second cousin twice removed or not. Miss 
 Merton is extracting information from Border, 
 till one expects her to swell up like a spider 
 sucking a fly. The American harpy is parading 
 her titled friends before Cruncher, who is re- 
 garding her with patient dislike. Mr. Merton 
 is explaining to the American girl his views on 
 the American Constitution, which she is receiv- 
 ing as dull impertinence, and is actually yawning 
 in his face ; whilst the extinct volcano sits 
 brooding over the extra millions he might have 
 made if he had remained active. 
 
 There is a lull in the talking, and the Baron's 
 distinct and metallic voice is clearly heard.
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 85 
 
 ' I said to her, you are English, you must 
 be kind; I am uncovered, and when you have 
 no covering in strange what you call routs ? 
 no ? societies, no parties ? yes, it is very 
 uncomfortable.' 
 
 I dare not look at Mrs. Cruncher, who I 
 expect is looking like a horrified cat. 
 
 ' She was very good,' continues the Baron 
 fearlessly. ' She showed me round and intro- 
 duced some to me and I was soon very well,' 
 continues the Baron, undismayed. ' You do 
 not know her ? Mrs. Gairrner ? ' 
 
 Hooray ! If he has been talking like that I 
 expect Mother Cruncher has had a poor time. 
 She will never ' spot ' he means ' protect ' when 
 he says c cover.' 
 
 The cigarettes now make their appearance, 
 and we adjourn to the balcony. 
 
 I want to get away, as Mrs. Delaney promised 
 to play golf with me, on condition that I should 
 be on the first tee at 3.15 sharp. She probably 
 won't be there till four, but still it is not worth 
 risking. I edge towards Border to tell him, 
 when Mr. Merton bears down on me with cold 
 determination, and a sort of your-information- 
 or-your-life look on his face. Confound it ! If 
 only that American girl had not snubbed him 
 so, he might still be talking to her. I confide 
 desperately in the Baron, but it is too late. 
 Mr. Merton has pinned me against a Musharabia 
 screen, and begins. 
 
 4 1 was hoping to have the opportunity of 
 getting a few words with you, Lord Edward,
 
 86 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 and I am sure you will not mind if I ask you a 
 few questions on a subject which has been 
 recently brought again to my notice, and that 
 is the relative positions of the English and 
 native officials in the Egyptian Government.' 
 
 I murmur something which is happily drowned 
 in Mr. Merton's sonorous tones. 
 
 4 Of course you are as well aware as I am of 
 the deep interest that is taken in this subject 
 by all Englishmen who have devoted any time 
 to the consideration of Egyptian questions. 
 Now, frankly, do you not consider that the 
 number of English high officials employed in 
 Egypt is more than is necessary ? ' 
 
 I begin to ask him what he means by neces- 
 sary, when he continues : 
 
 ' I quite understand that it must be far 
 pleasanter for you to work with your fellow- 
 Englishmen, but is it fair on Egypt ? 
 
 ' I have talked recently with ' (to, I expect, 
 would be nearer the truth) ' several quite intelli- 
 gent native gentlemen, and listened, I trust 
 impartially, to what they had to say, and I 
 must say they make out a very strong case 
 for themselves. Of course you won't mind my 
 saying that they probably speak more freely 
 and openly to me than they would to a man 
 in an official position, like yourself. It is also 
 my good fortune to be able, usually, to extract 
 the views of Orientals on such subjects, and I 
 think that they really meant what they said. 
 
 'They said that the want of a greater pro- 
 portion of natives among the higher officials of
 
 OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH 87 
 
 the Government was responsible for the very 
 regrettable anti-English feeling which has shown 
 itself once or twice lately. 
 
 4 For instance, the superintendence of the 
 gathering of the revenue, they declared, would 
 be far better carried out by people who really 
 understand the mind of the peasant than by 
 foreigners, and they also pointed out how de- 
 grading to their self-respect this system of 
 foreign inspection and control is. 
 
 ' As one of them, Mustapha Bey El Masri, 
 said to me, " I am a member of their clubs, 
 they play bridge with me, they treat me as a 
 man of honour, but they will not trust me with 
 the public money, which, to a true patriot like 
 myself, is as sacred as the fortune of his father." 
 
 Precisely so. I should like to see old Sulei- 
 man Pasha trusting Mustapha with a crooked 
 sixpence. 
 
 If this goes on I shall scream. What a blatant 
 ass the man is. I am almost in despair when 
 the Baron, the blessed Baron, marches up with 
 a genial smile, and says : 
 
 4 My dear Lord, you told me not to let charm- 
 ing conversation make you not remember the 
 Prince waits at three, and His Highness loves 
 not to attend, you know.' 
 
 I excuse myself to Merton, who is quite non- 
 plussed, and, nodding to Border, slip away before 
 any one else can seize me. 
 
 4 Hold back,' says the Baron, ' I come too.' 
 
 When we get outside, I thank the Baron 
 warmly. He waves my thanks aside and says :
 
 88 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ' It is nothing. With your fat Radical, a Prince 
 is better, so I say Prince. Those fellows, we 
 have them too in Austria. They are devilish 
 bore. I am very fond of Dorder ; I have known 
 him many years, in Paris, in London, in Vienna, 
 but I go no more to his lunches.' And so we 
 part.
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 GOLF 
 
 A FAIR description of a great portion of one's 
 life in the Army was often said to be hurrying 
 to somewhere to wait for hours for some one 
 else, and I think this is true of life in Cairo as 
 well. One rushes away from lunch, tumbles into 
 one's flannels, gallops down to the Sporting Club, 
 to wait patiently for half an hour till, say, Mrs. 
 Delaney turns up. One only hopes that she 
 will not be later than this, as after that the 
 waiting becomes wearisome, and she will pro- 
 bably blame you for her own unpunctuality. 
 
 In the meantime, having secured one's caddy 
 and put one's name down, there is nothing for 
 it but to wait and watch the other players start 
 on their ' daily round.' 
 
 The Golf Links is common ground on which 
 all sets meet and to a moderate extent frater- 
 nise. The cavalry captain ' tees up ' with the 
 Inspector of Interior, and the schoolmaster of 
 the Public Instruction exchanges remarks with 
 the Scots Guards ensign. 
 
 We are very particular socially in Cairo. There 
 is the swagger military set ; there is the smug 
 military set. There is the Egyptian Army set; 
 there is the smart official set ; there is the smug
 
 90 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 official set. There is the smart professional set ; 
 there is the smug professional set, and so on. 
 One may move in two or even several of those 
 sets, but you belong to one. 
 
 The description of Chatham in Pickwick is 
 very like Cairo in some ways. You are either 
 in the Dockyard or the Garrison, or you are 
 not. There is all the narrowness and pro- 
 vincialism of an English garrison town with 
 the Egyptian and foreign elements intruded. 
 The English, unluckily in some ways, luckily 
 in others, don't assimilate a foreign body. If 
 it is noxious it is got rid of ; if harmless, it is 
 included but not assimilated ; so that the 
 foreign elements which enter into our daily 
 life change nothing in it. Indeed nothing 
 changes an Englishman's life. Jules Verne's 
 description in Hector Servadac, I think of the 
 English garrison which is carried off on a comet, 
 and which, when the days and nights are reduced 
 to six hours each, continues to eat three meals 
 a day, and live on as if nothing had happened, 
 is a happy caricature of our nature. 
 
 Whilst waiting, one watches with amuse- 
 ment the stand-offish manner of the Inspector 
 of Interior, speaking to the young Public In- 
 struction boy, and one knows that presently 
 one will see the latter treat a junior commercial 
 with the same edifying hauteur. 
 
 Ninety per cent, at least of the men out here 
 are good fellows and capable men, but they some- 
 times conceal these facts with wonderful care. 
 Under the nerve-irritating Egyptian conditions all
 
 GOLF 91 
 
 our natural eccentricities assume abnormal pro- 
 portions. Our vanity becomes childish ; swelled 
 head is as common a disease as freckles, and we 
 are as ready to take offence as an Irish fire-eater 
 of the seventeen hundreds. But these defects 
 are mostly on the surface ; inwardly we are 
 aware that Egypt is not always of first- or even 
 second-rate importance, and to be of import- 
 ance in Egypt is like the rank in the Army 
 which is described as ' local and temporary.' 
 If we are haughty at times, the least touch of 
 misfortune, sickness, or the realities of life re- 
 moves the childish assumption at once. If we 
 run each other down in conversation, we esteem 
 one another warmly in our hearts. It should 
 be a comfort to a junior if he ever feels aggrieved 
 by the manners of those further up the ladder, 
 which leads to retirement at Cheltenham or 
 Tunbridge Wells on a bare competence, that in 
 the mind of the aggressor the junior is superior 
 to every foreigner or native that has ever 
 existed. 
 
 Mrs. Delaporte Stokes, who is preparing at 
 this moment to put her partner into the first 
 bunker, talks only to the best official set, if 
 possible about the Peerage. She naturally 
 passes much of her time alone. 
 
 When young Bloggs of the Public Instruc- 
 tion, who is a frank and refreshing bounder, got 
 fever at Assiout in the midsummer, c Mother 
 Delstock,' as we profanely call her, packed up 
 her bag without a word, and went and nursed 
 him like a mother till she pulled him through.
 
 92 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 She even discovered a peerage connection for 
 Bloggs, to that worthy's huge amusement, which 
 has made social intercourse on a limited scale 
 between him and Mrs. Delaporte Stokes possible. 
 
 Mrs. Bellinger, whose propriety is as pure, 
 cold, and disagreeable as driven snow, and who 
 cuts any one as ' fast ' on the slightest provo- 
 cation, took that little idiot of a Mrs. Dewar, 
 when she got into a real mess, into her house, 
 and kept her there under the aegis of her driven- 
 snow reputation until the storm had blown over, 
 and Dewar could be induced to believe a bene- 
 volent and highly improbable explanation of 
 the whole affair. 
 
 Of course, with brilliant exceptions, no doubt 
 the women are to a certain extent second-rate ; 
 their conversation is not brilliant, and they 
 are inclined to keep up appearances at the 
 cost of comfort. Their personal appearance is 
 rarely pleasing climate and anxiety have seen 
 to that; and their clothes, well, all that can 
 usually be said of them is that in the daytime, 
 at all events, they are amply sufficient for the 
 requirements of decency. Their qualities that 
 matter are on a different plane. For genuine 
 kindness, real warmth of heart, noble uncom- 
 plaining devotion to their husbands and children, 
 they are as a rule above criticism. Poor things, 
 many of them, military and civil, have never 
 had a home of their own since they married ; 
 the climate, which is unpleasant for the man, 
 means sickness and pain to them. They must 
 leave the delicate child they love at home,
 
 GOLF 93 
 
 and too often must watch those they love with 
 them wither because they are too poor to send 
 them away. Their very bread depends on the 
 often frayed and slender thread of their hus- 
 band's life, and their daily existence is one long 
 struggle to make the two ends meet. 
 
 And yet they face it all bravely with a smile, 
 keep Jack or Joe going, hearten him up for the 
 long ladder climb, and are as cheerful and fond 
 of amusement as their sisters anywhere else. 
 
 The one great idea of both men and women 
 who live abroad is to get a home in England. 
 When an official of a certain rank asks one 
 with a somewhat sheepishly beaming face if one 
 happens to know this or that district of England, 
 I always know what has happened. 
 
 He informs you that he has bought a cottage 
 and an acre or two of land. Freehold (it must be 
 freehold), with a good garden for the * Sitt ' (wife). 
 It has cost a good deal, and he does not know 
 whether he was justified in doing it, but still it 's 
 done now, and the * Sitt ' is delighted with it. Of 
 course it is a remarkably charming part of the 
 country, and the house itself is curiously enough 
 exactly what he has been looking for for years, 
 etc. With the men this is amusing, with the 
 women infinitely pathetic. 
 
 No, I admit you 're not much to look at, 
 Ladies, and you don't shine at Home, but I 
 take my hat off with my deepest bow to you all 
 the same. 
 
 And, all things considered, if your conversa- 
 tion is dull, it is rarely empty. You don't talk
 
 94 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 clever to talk clever. You have had far too 
 much experience of the real pain, trouble, and 
 sorrow of life to play at it. You have often 
 seen a good deal of the world with its good and 
 bad. You have lived real lives, not sham ones, 
 and your views and thoughts are the result of 
 actual experience, and not made up in a hothouse 
 by electric light. 
 
 At this point in this well-beaten track of my 
 thoughts I take out my watch. I grieve to say 
 that Mrs. Delaney, instead of, as one might 
 have expected, being on the tee to the minute, 
 in order to get as much of my charming com- 
 pany as possible, is now thirty-four minutes 
 late, and there is no sign of her coming. At 
 this moment, pretty Mrs. Fitzpatrick, with the 
 inevitable captain in attendance, appears in 
 the distance. She is a widow, and comes out 
 every winter to stay with a married sister of 
 hers who lives here. She has a peculiar attrac- 
 tion for captains. The present aspirant is 
 Bentley of the 30th Hussars. How she can 
 stand him I cannot think. He is like a heavy 
 dragoon on the stage. I rise and greet her, 
 and she explains with a certain shade of annoy- 
 ance that she has been looking for me every- 
 where. I apologise for not being there, and 
 she explains that Mrs. Delaney has been raided 
 by Towrows (tourist friends have come to 
 lunch) and cannot come, so she (Mrs. Delaney) 
 asked Mrs. Fitzpatrick to play with me, but 
 she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) told her that she was 
 playing with Captain Bentley, and so she could
 
 GOLF 95 
 
 not play with me, but then she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) 
 remembered that she had also promised to play 
 with Captain Browning because Captain Bentley 
 had not reminded her, so she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) 
 had written a second note to Mrs. Delaney, 
 saying that she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) would play 
 with me and make up a foursome, but her 
 (Mrs. Fitzpatrick's) servant had gone out and 
 the boy had been sent with the note, and she is 
 not sure if she (Mrs. Delaney) ever got it, and 
 perhaps she (Mrs. Delaney) has made other 
 arrangements, as she said she was going to ask 
 Miss Hopper to play with me, if she (Mrs. Delaney) 
 could get no one else ; and now she (Mrs. Fitz- 
 patrick) rather thinks she herself was engaged 
 to tea with the Arlfords at four at Abbasieh, and 
 to go camel-riding afterwards. What had she 
 better do ? and is not it stupid of Captain 
 Bentley and that tiresome Captain Browning ? 
 
 I agree that their action is intolerable, and 
 say that she 'd much better play golf, as perhaps 
 her engagement at Abbasieh is for another 
 day. I am glad it 's not more complicated 
 than that ; to try to follow Mrs. Fitzpatrick's 
 arrangements would undermine the strongest 
 intellect. She never keeps more than one out 
 of every three engagements she makes, but she 
 is very pretty, and has a happy-go-lucky sunny 
 nature which pulls her out of all the tangles 
 she weaves round herself. Her general atti- 
 tude is a sort of amazed contempt for the stupidity 
 of people who are so dull as not to be able to 
 follow the straight and simple course of her
 
 96 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 life. She is quite charming, but I am not sure 
 Fitzpatrick's death after a month's marriage 
 was not due to his finding out what he was ' in 
 for.' 
 
 At this moment Browning turns up with his 
 best smile on, and it has all to be explained to 
 him again. He is a dull fellow, and after a 
 feeble effort to resent the way he has been 
 treated, sinks into a sort of mazed condition. 
 What obviously beats him is why he is to blame. 
 
 I point out politely that we must start if we 
 want to play even nine holes before dark, and 
 Mrs. Fitzpatrick agrees with some warmth, 
 implying that it is very unfair for inconsiderate 
 people to keep a hard, even over-worked woman 
 like her waiting. 
 
 She decides with feminine acuteness to play 
 with me, so that the other two are treated equally 
 badly, and there can be no grumbling. The 
 decision is received in gloomy silence by the 
 captains, and we start off. 
 
 She would play quite a good game if she 
 ever thought of it for two minutes together, 
 but she enjoys it all so much, and looks so nice 
 while she is doing it, that she quite disarms all 
 criticisms even on her interpretation of the 
 rules of golf. I am not sure on reflection if it 
 is an interpretation at all. I think it is rather 
 a substitution of her own rules. 
 
 A few of the more salient are : 
 
 If she moves the ball less than five yards, or 
 misses it altogether, she did not mean to, and 
 it does not count.
 
 GOLF 97 
 
 If she is not satisfied with a longer shot, she 
 may have it back on the formal purely formal 
 consent of the other players being obtained. 
 
 If a ball lies badly, the ground should be 
 carefully scraped away till the ball is teed up. 
 
 All grass, branches, etc., that are in the way 
 of herself or her dress must be torn away. 
 
 Extra strokes in a bunker don't count. 
 
 The maximum of strokes she can count at 
 any hole is six ; if the opponents are playing 
 well this figure is liable to reduction. 
 
 If you have no morals and understand the 
 game it is quite interesting, but it shocks Browning 
 terribly. 
 
 To soothe his injured feelings, Mrs. Fitzpatrick 
 makes an appeal to him to coach her as we go 
 round, ' as he plays so well ' ; and he looks 
 better, while Bentley sinks into a more stolid 
 gloom. 
 
 I am playing well, and Mrs. Fitzpatrick 
 amuses me hugely. She and I always enjoy 
 everything we do together, so the game pro- 
 gresses very comfortably as far as we are con- 
 cerned. With the others it 's different. They 
 both play badly, and are inclined to ' snick ' at 
 one another. ' If you had only taken the 
 iron to play your second at the last hole we 
 should have been up in three,' from Browning. 
 ' My dear fellow, how could I when your shot 
 was unluckily sliced into that awful ground,' 
 etc., from Bentley ; and so on. 
 
 At the fifth hole we have our first serious 
 contretemps. Mrs. Fitzpatrick, who is advisedly
 
 98 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 not satisfied with the way in which she is driving, 
 asks Browning to come and put her right. 
 Browning gives her a short lecture on driving, 
 and ends up by deciding her feet are in the 
 wrong position. ' You should turn the left 
 toe out more,' he says, moving round behind 
 her, with the intention of showing where exactly 
 it should be. Mrs. Fitzpatrick rightly thinks 
 that she has had advice enough, and wrongly 
 that the lecture is over. Before I can say any- 
 thing, up goes her club, and the Captain reels 
 back a stricken man. Well, it is lucky it only 
 touched him above the eye, but he will have a 
 fine black pair to-morrow, I expect. He takes 
 it very well, though, of course, it does not exactly 
 cheer him up. Mrs. Fitz is cut to the heart 
 and apologises so prettily that it would be 
 almost worth getting a black eye for ; but the 
 effect wears off in a few minutes, and at the 
 next hole she confides in me that it was very 
 stupid of him to get in the way, and that, although 
 she is sorry she hurt him, he really almost 
 deserved it, as he entirely spoilt her stroke 
 and put her off her game. Browning's woe- 
 begone look as he stumps along, dabbing his 
 eyebrow with a handkerchief, also makes her 
 laugh so that she can scarcely conceal it. 
 
 At the seventh hole a worse fate befalls 
 another of the party. Here we cross the big 
 ditch, which is six feet deep and half full of 
 water. Browning's stroke does not quite clear 
 the ditch, but sticks on the inside of the further 
 bank about a foot from the top. Bentley does
 
 GOLF 99 
 
 not want to try to play the ball, as he says it is 
 impossible, but Browning maintains that if he 
 puts one foot here and one foot there, and digs 
 his heels well in, he can stand all right and get 
 the ball out. Bentley at last grudgingly con- 
 sents to try, and with much difficulty gets him- 
 self into the paralytic position indicated by his 
 partner. Mrs. Fitz is watching the proceed- 
 ing with intense interest, because, owing to 
 certain mishaps which have occurred to us, our 
 only chance of winning the hole is that Bentley 
 should fail to get the ball out. 
 
 ' I hope he won't,' she murmurs ; * oh, I hope 
 he won't ! Perhaps he will fall in,' she sug- 
 gests with a radiant smile. The next minute 
 the unhappy Bentley, still unwisely following 
 Browning's directions, makes a wild slash at 
 the ball with the niblick, loses his balance, 
 throws his arms up in the air with a gesture 
 of despair, and falls with a mighty splash flat 
 on his back in the middle of the ditch. Mrs. 
 Fitz gives a wild scream of triumph, which is 
 changed into expressions of alarm, and again, 
 when the unhappy Bentley crawls out covered 
 from head to foot with a rich brown mud, into 
 burst after burst of uncontrollable laughter. 
 
 Bentley stands, trying to look dignified, while 
 Browning and the caddies make ineffectual 
 attempts to scrape him with bits of wood. No 
 human dignity can withstand, however, a bath 
 of brown mud. Mrs. Fitz, after mastering her 
 mistimed expression of amusement, condoles with 
 Bentley with much skill, but rather spoils it by
 
 100 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 suggesting that he should run home to avoid a 
 chill instead of driving. I can see the immacu- 
 late Captain trotting past the Savoy, with all 
 the smart tourists looking on, in his present 
 condition. 
 
 He retires sadly to the club-house to make 
 himself as presentable as he can for his home- 
 ward drive. 
 
 We try to play the next hole ; but as Brown- 
 ing can now only see with difficulty, and will 
 explain how Bentley ought to have played the 
 fatal stroke, which reduces Mrs. Fitz to nearly 
 hysterical laughter, our efforts are not very 
 successful, and we decide to abandon the match, 
 which by the ordinary old-fashioned golf reckon- 
 ing is divided, though by Mrs. Fitz's method 
 we are five up. 
 
 When we reach the club-house Mrs. Fitz 
 suddenly asks Browning if he would mind taking 
 her driver to the professional, and asking him 
 to rebind it and put a new grip on, as he, Brown- 
 ing, understands just what she wants. Directly 
 he is gone she says we must have tea in the 
 back verandah, where he won't find her, because 
 he is so tiresome, and she is so cross with him 
 for wetting poor Captain Bentley through. 'It 
 was very tiresome of them both,' she says, 'to 
 spoil our afternoon in the way they did.' I 
 feebly remonstrate on her perfidy, but meekly 
 follow her to tea. Here I look at the clock and 
 see I must be getting back to change for my 
 committee. Mrs. Fitz is outraged. She says 
 she has never heard of such an idea as asking
 
 GOLF 101 
 
 a lady to tea, and then pretending that one 
 has a committee ; which she is sure will get on 
 much better without me. I am just beginning 
 to argue this point when she asks me what the 
 time is. I reply, five-thirty. 
 
 4 Good gracious ! ' she says, ' I asked a whole 
 lot of people to tea at five ; we must go at 
 once. Why did you not tell me it was so 
 late ? ' 
 
 We hurry out of the club. Mrs. Fitz casts 
 her eye round and then walks straight to a motor 
 which is standing near. 
 
 4 Would you like a lift ? ' she says airily. 
 
 I thank her, saying it will be very convenient, 
 as I am so late, and off we go. 
 
 4 Whose motor is this ? ' I ask casually, as 
 we turn out of the gate ; ' surely it is Browning's.' 
 
 Mrs. Fitz laughs softly to herself. * Is not it 
 fun ? ' she says ; 4 we 've left him behind ! ' 
 
 4 Well,' I say rather blankly, 4 of course it 
 has its humorous side, but what will he say ? ' 
 
 4 Oh, nothing much ; besides, I can tell him 
 you wanted to get home quick, and persuaded 
 me to come.' 
 
 We pull up at my door as she says this, and 
 I feel that it is no good remonstrating with any 
 one of so little moral sense, so I go up to change 
 and she drives away gaily to meet her starving 
 guests.
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 COMMITTEE 
 
 CONTRARY to my expectations, I find, when I 
 arrive at the Ministry, that I am the first member 
 of the committee who has reached the meet- 
 ing place. We have a mania in this country 
 for committees, and we have them of all sorts 
 and kinds. There are standing committees, 
 special committees, interdepartmental com- 
 mittees, departmental committees, and so forth. 
 They all waste time, but are not without their 
 compensations for those whose sense of humour 
 is properly developed. 
 
 The members are usually of different nation- 
 alities, and business is conducted either in the 
 tongue each one knows best, or in what we 
 call ' French.' Our ' French ' is the most re- 
 markable language, except perhaps pidgin 
 English, in the world. It should be spoken 
 with a strong accent of your own to show your 
 independence, and is a literal, or as near literal 
 as one can manage, translation into French of 
 the words of your own language in the order 
 they usually occur. If you don't know the 
 French for any word, you can either say it in 
 your own tongue rather loud (to help the be- 
 nighted foreigner to understand), or you can 
 use any French word of a somewhat similar 
 
 102
 
 COMMITTEE 103 
 
 sound, if not meaning ; or again you can simply 
 gallicise the word itself by giving it what is 
 here believed to be a French pronunciation, 
 thus enriching that restricted language with a 
 new word. 
 
 Each sentence becomes, under this system, a 
 most interesting riddle, and the conduct of a 
 discussion on highly technical matters a task 
 worthy of the quickest brain. 
 
 Our committee this evening is one of the 
 standing variety, and is for the nominal pur- 
 pose of considering and advising upon the 
 granting of concessions to individuals and com- 
 panies by our illustrious Government. Our 
 President is Mohammed Pasha Ahmed, Minister 
 of Arts and Crafts. 
 
 Placing him at the head of that particular 
 Ministry was one of those subtle strokes of 
 humour for which this Government is justly 
 famous. He is by origin the son of a small 
 landowner, and entered the Government service 
 at eighteen. He climbed laboriously up one of 
 the Government Departments, into which he got 
 in some mysterious way, until he was created 
 a judge. 
 
 His reign was brief, though, it is said, very 
 lucrative. He reduced the system of criminal 
 justice in the country to a simple tariff of prepaid 
 fines to himself. 
 
 Though this was well known, as nothing what- 
 ever could be proved against him, amid the tears 
 of the criminal population, he was promoted to 
 the Director-Generalship of the Department of
 
 104 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Charity and Trust Lands. This was a stroke 
 of genius. Elsewhere, even among his fellows, 
 his tendency to reduce all transactions of the 
 Government to equivalent cash payments must 
 have excited the envy of his fellows, and laid 
 him open to carping criticism. 
 
 In the Trust Department he was scarcely, if 
 at all, remarkable. This Department, which 
 has a semi-religious position, has been kept 
 clean of all Christian contamination, and is 
 personally managed by the highest in the land. 
 It is thought to be grasping and avaricious to 
 hold the appointment of Director-General for 
 more than a few years. 
 
 When the last new Ministry but three was 
 formed, an idea got about that the large land- 
 holders must be represented in it. His Excel- 
 lency, who, as I have hinted, is an excellent 
 man of business, had invested his hardly gained 
 savings in land, and was now full of riches and 
 honours. He was very well looked upon in the 
 highest quarters, having always been careful to 
 leave to them their proverbial share in any little 
 profit that accrued from the administration of 
 the Trust lands. 
 
 Unluckily, all the Ministries but that of Arts 
 and Crafts were filled. It was at first sight not 
 an ideal appointment, but it was remembered 
 that often the head of a Department is rather 
 hampered than otherwise by technical know- 
 ledge, and he was duly appointed. He certainly 
 came to his duties with an open mind. 
 
 Personally, I have a sneaking affection for
 
 COMMITTEE 105 
 
 him, as 'he has the rough, rather jolly way of 
 the peasant, which contrasts very favourably 
 with the oily, snake-like manner of the town- 
 bred Egyptian, and he has a sense of humour 
 of an elementary kind. His philosophy of life 
 has been to judge all men, irrespective of race 
 or creed, by what service they can be to him 
 in carrying out his life-task of adequately 
 providing for his numerous family and his 
 own old age. This makes him less antagonistic 
 to the Christian dogs than his compatriots 
 usually are. 
 
 He confided to me once (for we are rather 
 friends) that undoubtedly religion was a very 
 good thing, but very expensive, and that he 
 personally disapproved of people building 
 mosques at their own expense in an ostenta- 
 tious manner. These things, he said most 
 wisely, should be done by the subscription of 
 many, so that many may participate in the 
 good work. 
 
 He is, in fact, a shrewd, ignorant, jolly ruffian, 
 with a kind heart and no conscience. 
 
 Our next member, Morcos Bey Wissa, is a 
 very different person. The dark colour, woolly 
 hair, wooden expression of countenance, and 
 want of personal cleanliness, proclaim him a 
 Copt of the Copts. He bears all the marks and 
 possesses the vices and virtues of a race that 
 has been oppressed for ages. The patient 
 manner, the mixture of servility and dignity 
 of deportment, and the absolute concealment of 
 his personal wishes and feelings, are all charac-
 
 106 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 teristic of his people. The Copts are liars 
 because for years it has been dangerous for 
 them to speak the truth ; crooked and cunning 
 because by those qualities alone could they get 
 a living ; proud in their contempt of the Moslem, 
 servile in view of his power to oppress them, 
 careless of their personal appearance from ages 
 of concealment of their riches by this means. 
 
 The third, Du Chalons Bey, comes of a 
 Napoleonic family, and traces his descent from 
 a once famous colonel of Chasseurs of that 
 date. He still wears the imperial and pointed 
 moustachios of the Second Empire period. 
 
 Trim, capable, prolix, amusing, emotional, 
 charming in private life, intolerably formal in 
 business, he was a valuable official once, but has 
 long since ceased to take an interest in anything 
 but his pension and his great work on the French 
 influence on horticulture in Egypt, of which the 
 fifth volume has been in preparation for the 
 last ten years, and which goes through endless 
 vicissitudes, and needs as many exceptional 
 measures and irregular favours as a royal 
 protegee. 
 
 The fourth is a hard-headed Scot, with all 
 the business capabilities and combativeness of 
 his race ; and the fifth is myself. 
 
 Our secretary is a little Syrian, whose nerves 
 are unable to stand the strain of dealing per- 
 sonally with high officials. Sitting once a week 
 for an hour with men who might in some way 
 affect his promotion, or give him more or less 
 pension, is very trying for him. He is conse-
 
 COMMITTEE 107 
 
 quently continually making mistakes, for which 
 he is rated by the Minister or reproved in the 
 best Glaswegian by Macnab. 
 
 His Excellency is the last to arrive. Rolling 
 his enormous body through the door, he shakes 
 me by the hand, in what he conceives to be the 
 English manner, and which is, in fact, the 
 kind of handshake which one might give a much- 
 loved brother after ten years' separation. 
 
 His Excellency, having complained of the heat 
 and mopped his forehead, sinks into a chair, and 
 we seat ourselves in our appointed places. 
 
 The secretary, after dropping all his papers 
 several times, owing to the agitation of his 
 mind, proceeds to deal out to us the ordre du 
 jour, which consists of the list of cases sub- 
 mitted for consideration. 
 
 This is a formality, as we are all aware what 
 cases will be brought before us at the meeting, 
 but we look at the paper with interest in our 
 various ways. 
 
 The Minister looks at it as if it were the menu 
 of a poor dinner. To do his Excellency justice, 
 he never even pretends to have any morbid or 
 unnatural love of work. 
 
 Macnab examines it as if he would like to 
 criticise it, and argue with any one who did not 
 share his views. Du Chalons peruses it in a 
 strictly official manner, as if he was just going to 
 be rude to the general public ; and Morcos Bey, 
 the Copt, fixes his eyes on it with that cold, 
 expressionless, snake-like stare which gives no 
 indication whatever of his thoughts.
 
 108 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 There are mercifully only three questions sub- 
 mitted to-day. 
 
 The first is the petition of one Galipoli, a 
 Maltese, for permission to construct, at Man- 
 sourah, mooring quays with a market attached, 
 and to charge a regular scale of fees for their use. 
 He also asks that no similar permission shall be 
 given to any one else in that town. For these 
 advantages he proposes to pay a certain rent to 
 the Government, as well as thirty per cent, of 
 the net profits derived. 
 
 The second is a request that the wording of 
 the terms of a concession of land, for reclamation 
 and sale, granted to an English company ten 
 years ago in Behera Province, may be slightly 
 altered to meet an administrative difficulty 
 which has arisen. 
 
 The third is a petition from one Charles 
 Dumourier, a Frenchman, to establish and 
 exploit salt-pans on a portion of the sea-coast, 
 in the province of Gharbieh, with exclusive rights 
 to extract salt from sea- water within that pro- 
 vince, the Government to share in the profits 
 of the business. 
 
 The Minister, having declared the fare is very 
 inferior, fixes his eye on the secretary, and 
 says, ' Let us begin ! Come now, be quick ! ' 
 
 The secretary begins in quavering tones to 
 gabble out the explanatory note or resume of 
 the first question. 
 
 4 Is this,' says Macnab in his most deliberate 
 manner, ' the first, second, or third question 
 which the secretary is reading out ? I have
 
 COMMITTEE 109 
 
 no objection to taking the questions in any 
 order your Excellency may think fit, but I 
 should like to know in what order we are going 
 to take them. It is quite impossible to tell 
 what the secretary is reading when he speaks 
 so fast and so indistinctly.' 
 
 ' Quite so,' says the Minister. l How often, 
 Khalil Effendi, have I told you to read slowly 
 and distinctly, so that we may be all aware 
 what we are doing. Sapristi ! You pay no 
 attention.' 
 
 The unhappy secretary, who looks as if he 
 was in a vapour bath, begins to read the docu- 
 ment over again in funereal tones at the rate 
 of one word a second. 
 
 4 1 venture to remark,' says Du Chalons, 
 4 that if we proceed at this rate, we shall not 
 finish our task before nine in the evening. If 
 your Excellency wishes it to be so, I have 
 nothing to say, but I draw your attention to 
 the point.' 
 
 ' Sapristi ! ' says the Minister. ' Why cannot 
 you read properly at a decent pace, neither too 
 fast nor too slow ? ' 
 
 The wretched secretary, now having com- 
 pletely lost his head and his place, remains 
 silent, whereupon the Minister orders him to 
 bring the paper to him, which he does with his 
 knees knocking together. 
 
 ' Read like this,' says the Minister, with 
 paternal dignity. ' ' c One shirt and two pairs of 
 socks, one piastre." What is this ? This is not the 
 ordre du jour. Are you by chance mocking us ? '
 
 110 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 The miserable secretary, in a shaking voice, 
 points out that it is the back of the paper which 
 his Excellency is looking at, on which he had 
 written down a private memorandum in fact, 
 a portion of his washing bill. He is very sorry, 
 he did it without thinking. He hopes his 
 Excellency 
 
 * A most improper proceeding,' says his Excel- 
 lency. ' Washing lists are kept in a washing 
 book, not on the back of the ordre du jour of a 
 committee of high officials of the Egyptian 
 Government, thus causing me, a Minister, to 
 read out ridiculous nonsense about shirts and 
 socks before the whole committee.' 
 
 ' The secretary will find it better to keep 
 things in their proper places, I am thinking,' 
 says Macnab. 
 
 ' The affairs of official life should never be 
 mixed up with those we treat of in our private 
 capacity,' announces Du Chalons sententiously. 
 This, from all one hears about his private life, 
 is perhaps as well. 
 
 The Copt regards me with his expression- 
 less eyes. I understand, and say to the Minister 
 that we all make mistakes at times, and that I 
 venture to intercede. . . . 
 
 His Excellency, who is really the soul of selfish 
 good nature, says, c Well, well, my dear Lord, let 
 us now proceed; and perhaps you,' turning to 
 Du Chalons, ' will not mind reading out the 
 explanatory notes, as they are written in 
 French.' 
 
 Du Chalons bows stiffly, and, taking the
 
 COMMITTEE 111 
 
 paper, reads it as if he were giving us French 
 dictation. When he has finished the note or 
 resume of the first case, he stops and looks at 
 the Minister, and again bows. 
 
 The Minister smiles genially at the members 
 generally, and asks us what we think of it. It 
 seems fairly simple ; we want a market, and 
 here is a man who will build one. He will 
 himself express no opinion, but would like to 
 hear what we think. 
 
 Macnab would like, before expressing any 
 opinion, to ask a few questions, and then off he 
 starts. He wants to know, in the first place, 
 what a concession is, and if this falls in with 
 the definition accepted. Secondly, what is 
 meant by a market, whether the question of a 
 market and a mooring quay are indissolubly 
 connected or not, and so on, point by point. 
 
 When he has at length terminated his remarks, 
 which have lulled the Minister into a state of 
 abstraction, Du Chalons says that he, for his 
 part, considers the question a dangerous one, 
 very dangerous, and one that demands long and 
 careful reflection. 
 
 The Copt says he is not favourably inclined 
 to the request. 
 
 4 But why ? ' says his Excellency. 
 
 The Copt says he does not think it a good plan. 
 
 Macnab again starts off, and we enjoy another 
 lecture of ten minutes' duration on the merits 
 and demerits of the proposal. 
 
 The Minister now looks at me, and I ask the 
 Copt if he knows the would-be concessionaire.
 
 112 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 It is a lucky shot. The Copt says he has 
 heard of him. 
 
 And what has he heard of him ? 
 
 That he has had trouble and misfortune. 
 
 ' But that is no reason for rejecting his plea,' 
 says the Minister. 4 We are all liable to mis- 
 fortune.' 
 
 The Copt agrees with humility. 
 
 4 Perhaps these misfortunes were due to his 
 own actions,' I suggest. 4 What was their 
 nature ? ' 
 
 4 He had trouble with the law-courts.' Then, 
 turning suddenly on the secretary, he says, 
 4 Khalil Effendi knows about it better than I, 
 I think.' 
 
 4 Well, what do you know,' says the Minister ; 
 4 what were the troubles of this poor man ? ' 
 
 * He had five years' imprisonment for em- 
 bezzlement and fraud, I have been told,' stammers 
 out the secretary. 
 
 4 And why did you not tell us so before, im- 
 btcile ? ' thunders the Minister. 
 
 4 1 did not know ! I did not think ! I was 
 not sure ! ' bleats the secretary. 
 
 I propose the question be adjourned to the 
 next meeting, and that further inquiries be 
 made about the character of the applicant, 
 and especially if he has been convicted of a 
 criminal offence. 
 
 4 It was 1905 March 1905,' murmurs the 
 Copt quietly. 
 
 We pass on to the next question, in spite of 
 an obvious tendency on the part of Macnab to
 
 COMMITTEE 113 
 
 argue the question as to whether we should be 
 influenced by the testimony of the secretary, 
 who is not properly a member of the committee. 
 
 I open the next question after it has been 
 duly read out by Du Chalons, and explain 
 that this is in reality a formal matter. 
 
 The concessionaires wish to alter the wording 
 of Clause 9. The Finance and Public Works have 
 no objection to the alteration, which does not pre- 
 judicially affect the interests of the Government. 
 
 The Minister says, with an obvious air of 
 relief, 4 Good, then we can agree to that.' 
 
 But if he hopes that we are to get through 
 it like that, he is mistaken. 
 
 Macnab discusses the exact meaning of the 
 alteration, which, he declares, is highly technical. 
 
 As the concession is in English, all this has 
 to be explained to the Minister and Du Chalons 
 in Arabic and French, and his Excellency 
 gets thoroughly confused over the words ' herein 
 and hereafter,' which he repeats to himself, 
 murmuring, ' Now, what does that mean ? ' 
 He is also firmly convinced that Macnab is a 
 bitter opponent of the alteration. 
 
 Du Chalons first of all repeats his invariable 
 formula, that he considers the question a danger- 
 ous one, and one that requires full considera- 
 tion, and then launches out into an indictment 
 of all the British land companies. 
 
 To this Macnab takes exception, and there 
 seems no prospect of finishing the question 
 for an hour or two. 
 
 Finally, his Excellency suggests that the 
 
 H
 
 114 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Copt should give his views. Morcos Bey replies 
 humbly that he is not clear who is favourable 
 and who is unfavourable to the project. 
 
 4 Then,' says his Excellency, ' you have not 
 understood. Lord Cecil Pasha is favourable, 
 and these gentlemen,' indicating them with a 
 wave of his pen, ' are against it.' 
 
 4 Pardon me, your Excellency,' says Macnab, 'I 
 never said that. In fact, I think the alteration 
 is not only desirable, but absolutely necessary.' 
 
 ' Tiens ! ' says his Excellency, and, ' M. Du 
 Chalons, what is your view, then ? ' 
 
 4 1 will remind your Excellency that though 
 I have warned the committee, as it was my 
 duty to do, that the question is a dangerous 
 one, I have never expressed an unfavourable 
 opinion on the proposal, which I approve, with 
 the reserve which I have made,' is the reply. 
 
 4 Then,' says the Minister, 4 we are all agreed, 
 eh, Morcos Bey ? ' 
 
 That gentleman gives his usual dignified and 
 respectful inclination of his head, and we pro- 
 ceed to the third, and happily the last, question. 
 
 4 1 should never have understood that part 
 about 44 herein and hereafter," ' murmurs the 
 Minister to me, as Du Chalons clears his voice 
 with an official 4 ahem ! ' as a preliminary to 
 giving us our third dictation. 
 
 He takes this question in hand, after the usual 
 ministerial preliminaries, and at great length 
 expatiates on the merits of the scheme. 
 
 Macnab attacks it on the ground that all 
 monopolies are bad, and I side with him.
 
 COMMITTEE 115 
 
 His Excellency agrees with us in turn, to show 
 his impartiality, and gives vent to the follow- 
 ing statements. That salt is a necessary of life. 
 That the sea is salt. That a monopoly grants 
 certain advantages to the holder, of which the 
 most conspicuous is an absence of competition. 
 That salt is sometimes dearer and sometimes 
 cheaper, it is also different in quality, etc. 
 
 Du Chalons perorates about French enterprise, 
 the French connection with Egypt, Napoleon, 
 and so on. 
 
 Macnab delights us with the opinions of 
 political economists on monopolies, the price 
 of salt, and its commercial value. 
 
 Matters are getting a little too warm to be 
 pleasant, especially since Du Chalons spoke 
 slightingly of something or some one Scottish. 
 
 My eye falls on the secretary, and I see he 
 is in a state of fear and perturbation border- 
 ing on insanity. He is trying to screw up his 
 courage to do something which he knows will 
 bring down the wrath of the united committee 
 on his devoted head. 
 
 In a temporary lull, I address Morcos Bey 
 and ask him kindly to look at the papers of the 
 case, which are lying on the table between him 
 and Du Chalons, as I fancy there is some addi- 
 tion or rider to the note which he, Du Chalons, 
 read out to us. This produces a calm, during 
 which the secretary's teeth chatter as Morcos 
 Bey very deliberately examines the documents. 
 
 ' Your Excellency is perfectly right,' he an- 
 nounces, in his passionless voice. ' The law
 
 116 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 officers of the State, to whom the question 
 was submitted, are of opinion that the demand 
 is inadmissible, as the ground in question lies 
 within the concession area of the Salt Company 
 of Egypt, under their lease of twenty years since. 
 
 We all look particularly foolish. We are in- 
 clined to blame Du Chalons, until the Minister, 
 who has been glaring at the idiotic remnant 
 of what was once a man who called himself our 
 secretary, demands, in tones suggesting a tidal 
 wave and an earthquake, why he did not tell 
 us of this. The poor man is long past any 
 explanation; he can only gibber about his 
 poverty and the size of his family. If he could 
 speak it would make matters worse, because 
 he would have to admit he did not dare inter- 
 rupt either Du Chalons or Macnab. 
 
 4 First,' shouts the Minister, ' you make me 
 read out about your miserable socks. You 
 then let us give markets to thieves, and you 
 finally let us discuss for a very long time a 
 concession which does not exist. You make me 
 late for important matters of which such as 
 you know nothing. Go away ! Go ! ' 
 
 The secretary gathers up his papers and flies 
 out of the room, dropping fragments of corre- 
 spondence as he goes. 
 
 We then roundly abuse him till his Excel- 
 lency grows calmer, and says he is not as bad 
 as he used to be, and the poor fellow has a 
 large family. This means that it is time to 
 cease hostilities, and after a little desultory 
 conversation we break up.
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 
 
 WHEN I regain my office I set to work to clear 
 up the odds and ends of business which were 
 left unfinished this morning, rough out the 
 memorandum, and write a short report on the 
 pension case for the Agency. I can work 
 twice as fast in the evening, when there is no 
 one to interrupt me, and I get through what 
 I want to do pretty quickly, and find I have 
 still time to write a letter home. 
 
 The main difficulty in writing to one's family 
 in England is the choice of subjects. 
 
 If you write about what is happening at home 
 or in Europe, the matter has probably been 
 forgotten before your letter reaches home. If 
 you write about that which is going on here, 
 they have either already seen it in the tele- 
 grams or newspapers, or they don't understand 
 it. Politics in Egypt are such a web of per- 
 sonal intrigue and counter-intrigue that unless 
 you are intimately acquainted with the subject 
 they are impossible to follow. 
 
 There are numberless parties and groups all 
 working more or less against each other, and 
 forming alliances or quarrelling every second 
 day. 
 
 117
 
 118 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 To have any clear comprehension of what is 
 going on, you must know the present value of 
 each individual. Men become important and 
 cease to exist politically in the space of a few 
 weeks. The changes of opinion and intention 
 are bewildering. The Khedive's attitude on 
 the first of the month gives you no clue to what 
 his attitude will be on the fifteenth. Politics 
 with scanty principles and wherein the chief 
 mainspring of action is direct personal advan- 
 tage, are impossible to follow unless you are 
 in constant touch with all their developments. 
 
 The result is that one's letters bear strong 
 and rather painful resemblance to those one 
 wrote many years ago, which contained the in- 
 formation that you were well, that you hoped 
 that your correspondent was well, that you 
 had chops for dinner to-day, but that yester- 
 day you had beef, and so on. 
 
 However, it cannot be helped, so I do my best 
 and finish my letter. 
 
 Now there is just time before I must dress 
 to get to the club, find Bartley, and ask him to 
 share a taxi out to Heliopolis to-morrow night, 
 as I believe he is going to dine with the 
 Lacrosses there, to whose feast I am also bidden. 
 
 I say good-night to Mr. Tomkins, who is quite 
 affable, possibly at the prospect of getting rid 
 of me, and drive off to the club. 
 
 I have said that our club is a ' pot-house.' 
 I must add that it is also a ' bar.' It is the 
 custom that before dinner every one should 
 come to the club and have a drink and talk
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 119 
 
 with his friends. I really don't know which 
 is the worse habit of the two. The first injures 
 your nerves and stomach, but the second the 
 reputation and well-being of your friends. 
 
 Of course, I don't mean that they only talk 
 scandal at the club. They discuss games, make 
 future arrangements and plans, argue about poli- 
 tics to a certain extent, and do not a little useful 
 business at times. I admit that the custom of 
 meeting at this hour has its uses, but I still 
 believe that more harm is done in the hall of 
 the Turf Club than in all the other rooms 
 occupied by Englishmen in Cairo. 
 
 When I arrive the hall is crowded, and find- 
 ing Bartley is no easy matter. Apart from the 
 ordinary difficulty of pushing through a crowd, 
 I have to stop and exchange a word of polite- 
 ness at every second step, and as often refuse 
 the inevitable offer of a drink. 
 
 It is an extraordinary thing that directly one 
 gets abroad, this habit of standing one drinks at 
 clubs becomes prevalent. At home you would 
 never think of going into your club and offering 
 every one you met a drink. I should like to do 
 it once, just to see the expression on the head 
 waiter's face. 
 
 If one could saunter into the Athenaeum and 
 say, ' Now then, Bishop, give it a name ' ; ' Arch- 
 deacon, what 's your fancy ? ' 4 Professor, have 
 a damp ? ' and get out alive, it would be worth 
 doing. 
 
 Anyhow, here it is the custom, and though 
 one is not forced to drink, one must refuse
 
 120 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 civilly, which takes time. I am also delayed 
 by avoiding people who I know want to talk 
 business, which I have not now time to discuss. 
 
 At last I see Bartley in a group of five or six 
 who are discussing cocktails and the latest 
 scandal, and elbowing my way towards him, 
 reach him just as he is saying, ' Well, all I can 
 tell you is that that is the story as it reached me. 
 I never liked the man myself.' So I know 
 another good reputation has gone under. I 
 wonder what the story is. It is quite marvel- 
 lous what stories can be started and believed in 
 Cairo. 
 
 I remember we all treated an old American 
 gentleman with great respect for the whole of 
 one winter because we had been told, and we 
 believed, that he had burnt his whole family, 
 whom he disliked, in his country house in 
 America. It turned out afterwards that he had 
 only saved his mother-in-law from being drowned 
 in a canal in Holland, and we treated him thence- 
 forth with indulgent contempt. 
 
 Cairo is a small place where there is not much 
 to talk about outside one's business, and there 
 is a considerable mixture of ethical standards, 
 which renders every scandalous story possible, 
 if not probable, so it is perhaps not to be won- 
 dered at that the most unfounded rumours 
 obtain credence. 
 
 I arrange matters with Bartley ; and as I 
 see by the clock that I have no time to spare, 
 fight my way to the door, jump into a cab, and 
 tell the coachman to drive to my house.
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 121 
 
 When I arrive there and reach my rooms, I find 
 that, of course, Suleiman has not got my evening 
 clothes ready, and as he invariably loses his 
 head when he is hurried, my dressing may be 
 fairly described as a concatenation of disasters. 
 First the underclothing, which he takes out of 
 the wrong drawer, has so many holes in it, 
 that one wonders how any human being could 
 ever hope to get into it without a chart and 
 a compass. The socks he provides are odd 
 ones. There is a prevailing absence of buttons 
 everywhere. My shirt is frayed to the extent 
 of apparently needing shaving, and just as he 
 has, at last, after many objurgations, corrected 
 a fair percentage of his blunders, he upsets the 
 hot water over my only tidy white waistcoat. 
 He is now in tears, but produces another from 
 the bottom of a box. It is yellow with age, 
 and obviously was not made for me, borrowed 
 probably at some time, put away to be re- 
 turned, and forgotten. The last owner was, I 
 notice, a short, stout man. 
 
 There is, however, no time to waste, so I 
 struggle into it and my coat, and descend the 
 stairs to the taxi. The Burnhams live some- 
 where in Giza of all places to choose. They 
 have taken a new house there, so Burnham 
 told me, somewhere off the Pyramid Road, 
 just before you come to the tram station. It 
 must be a good two miles, I should think, so I 
 ordered a taxi. I wish I knew where the house 
 is exactly, but luckily, as for a wonder I am 
 early, there is plenty of time to find it.
 
 122 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 I therefore tell the taxi-driver to go to Giza, 
 and off we start. Driving in a native-driven 
 taxi on a dark night is a very fair test of nerve. 
 The streets in our suburbs are lighted on strictly 
 economical principles. You can just see one 
 street lamp from the next. They no doubt 
 give one a line as to the way the road 
 runs, and prevent one's entering some one's 
 garden, or, worse still, a canal, in a hurried 
 and undignified manner, but except in their 
 immediate vicinity, they show no part of the 
 road itself. 
 
 This would not matter so much if the taxis 
 carried good headlights, but they don't. The 
 one I have to-night has two things like police- 
 men's bull's-eye lanterns tied on to it in front. 
 Even these modest illuminations are bent by 
 previous collisions, and only show about two 
 yards of road in front of us. Beyond convey- 
 ing when it 's too late to do anything that there 
 is going to be a nasty accident, they are of 
 restricted utility. They might give one time 
 to utter one's 4 last words,' but there would be 
 no one to hear them except the chauffeur, who 
 would probably not be able to repeat them, 
 even if they were of a nature to bear repetition. 
 A trifle like lack of illumination, however, does 
 not disturb the driver, who as long as he goes 
 fast enough and keeps his horn sounding the 
 whole time, has every confidence that all will 
 be well. In my cab of to-night, even our horn 
 is not up to the usual Cairo level, and makes 
 a noise like an asthmatic puppy trying to bark.
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 123 
 
 We spin across the bridge, which is well lighted, 
 and plunge into the darkness beyond. 
 
 Wow, wow, wow, goes the horn, as we miss an 
 elderly peasant by the fraction of an inch, swerv- 
 ing as we do so very nearly into a cart laden with 
 passengers on the other side of the road. These 
 carts, on which one may ride for two miles for 
 the modest sum of a farthing, are bound by law 
 to carry a light, but for convenience the driver 
 usually carries it in his hand ; so if he stops to 
 talk to a friend en route, a not unfrequent occur- 
 rence, the cart light is only visible some time 
 after you have passed the cart. The law does 
 not specify either what sort of light the carts 
 must carry, and the most fashionable pattern 
 is a tallow dip in a home-made red paper lantern. 
 It looks in the distance, if you can see it at all, 
 like a fine specimen of glow-worm or fire-fly. 
 But you do not often see it, because, as it is apt 
 to blow out or gutter to a wasteful degree in 
 the wind, it is usually kept sheltered inside 
 the driver's cloak or with his hands. 
 
 We continue our wild career, swerving from 
 side to. side, catching glimpses of terrified faces 
 and flying limbs as we pass. Occasionally 
 matters are diversified by a camel suddenly 
 shying from the side of the road into the middle, 
 this necessitating on our part an extra swerve, 
 accompanied by a half-skid, with all the brakes 
 on. Camels don't carry lights because they 
 are not carts, and are quite as easy to see without 
 them. At least this is the best reason I can 
 think of for their unillumined condition. The
 
 124 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 only other incident worth recording is an un- 
 availing and Canute-like endeavour to make a 
 steam-roller, which has apparently been left 
 out to cool in the middle of the road by our 
 energetic Road Department, get out of our way 
 by barking at it with our dilapidated horn, 
 the attempt ending in an unusually perilous 
 emergency stop, with the usual skid accom- 
 paniment. I admit the red light looked like a 
 cart-light at a distance, but when we got nearer, 
 we should have chucked the attempt nervous 
 steam-rollers are so rare, it is not safe to reckon 
 on them. 
 
 When we arrive at Giza, I am not in a con- 
 dition for cool thought, but I fancy that the 
 house must be down a dark turning I see on the 
 left, and impart my views to the driver, who 
 twists his machine in that direction, through a 
 flock composed apparently of children and goats 
 mixed. 
 
 When one wants to find a house in this country, 
 the only method is to ask one's way at a house 
 which has been standing for some time, as there 
 is more chance of the servants there knowing 
 the district well. 
 
 I select a big, old-fashioned-looking house, 
 and tell my driver to stop there. When we 
 have pulled up and found the boob or door- 
 keeper, who, according to immemorial custom, 
 is sunk in a deep and, we trust, refreshing 
 slumber, he is, on being awakened, divided 
 in his mind as to whether the house is on fire 
 or we are professional burglars. When his
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 125 
 
 normal state of mental vacuity has been re- 
 established, I ask him for the house of Burnham 
 Bey a new house. He asks what Boughan Bey. 
 I reply, not Boughan, but Burnham, Bey, of the 
 Ministry of Justice. He asks if he lives here 
 in Giza. As if one would drive out two miles, 
 at the peril of one's life, to ask the way to a 
 man's house at the other end of Cairo ! But I 
 answer, with that forbearance for which the 
 British official is so well known, ' Yes, here at 
 Giza, a new house, Burnham Bey.' The boab 
 repeats what he understands to be the name 
 with variations, and finally says he does not 
 know him. While this colloquy has been going 
 on, a small crowd has collected, and now begins 
 to join in the conversation. The predominant 
 opinion is that the house is a hundred yards 
 farther down the road, on the right, though a 
 strong minority say it is on another road in 
 the opposite direction. 
 
 Following the principles of modern govern- 
 ment, I side with the majority, and we proceed 
 down the road and stop at another house. Here 
 apparently all the servants, including the boab, 
 are out, but at last a house servant is fished out 
 by the chauffeur. Our new adviser is of a different 
 type, and is an intelligent but untruthful person 
 who professes to know Burnham intimately, 
 and tells us to go back past the house of Stobbs 
 Pasha, which is apparently the house at which 
 we made our former inquiries, turn to our right, 
 then to our left, and behold the house a small 
 new house of a yellow colour. Off we go, and
 
 126 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 after nearly smashing the car twice or thrice 
 owing to the fact that the road has been pitted 
 for some obscure reason with little holes such 
 as one makes to plant shrubs in, we arrive at 
 the house in question, to be met by a sad dis- 
 appointment. The house belongs to an Italian 
 lady, whose name sounds like Silly Billy. 
 Signorina Silly Billy's domestic, a small and 
 very dirty boy, suggests our making inquiries 
 at the house of Stobbs Pasha, and only escapes 
 braining through my marvellous self-restraint. 
 On being pressed further, he suggests another 
 house in the vicinity as the sort of house we 
 want, but with no conviction, and taking up 
 the safe but unhelpful position that Bining Bey 
 (his variation of the name) might live there, I 
 agree to draw this likely spot when it occurs 
 to me that Stobbs no longer lives at Giza, and 
 I wonder who has taken his house. The likely 
 house is inhabited by a large family of Syrians, 
 who are partaking of the evening meal appa- 
 rently in the front hall. 
 
 In despair we return to the house of Stobbs, 
 to see if there is no one there of a higher mental 
 calibre and a wider local knowledge than the 
 respected doorkeeper. On arriving back he 
 welcomes us with interest, and at our request 
 summons another servant, who, he mentions in 
 excuse for his non-appearance, is making ready 
 the dinner. Idiot that I am ! I see it ! In 
 this country a house is always called by the 
 name of the original owner, or, anyhow, of the 
 last owner. I ask the doorkeeper who lives in
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 127 
 
 his house, or rather the house in front of which 
 he enjoys his well-earned repose. In the in- 
 tervals of shouting for a mysterious Ahmed, he 
 informs me that Stobbs, or, as he pronounces 
 it, Estobbs, Pasha used to live there (which I 
 knew), but that now there are new tenants, 
 whose name he has forgotten. He, however, 
 on the appearance of Ahmed, asks that worthy, 
 who replies, " Birnim Bey.' ' Ah, yes,' says 
 the doorkeeper, c Birnim Bey. 5 ' 
 
 Well, it is no good saying anything, so I get 
 out and enter the house, reflecting on the incon- 
 veniences of employing the word ' new ' in so 
 loose a way, and determining to speak severely 
 to Burnham about it. Luckily I started early 
 from my house, so I find to my joy that, in spite 
 of my wanderings, I am not the latest guest 
 to arrive, as Burnham's own servant, whom I 
 know well, informs me whilst he takes my 
 hat and coat from me. Burnham receives me 
 with the air of one who has a painful and rather 
 degrading duty to perform but that is the 
 Englishman's normal attitude towards social 
 functions. Mrs. Burnham, whose colour has 
 come out in the wash of life, is depressedly glad 
 to see me, but is obviously nervous that I may 
 bite her, and extends her hand in a tentative 
 manner. 
 
 The party, which continues to arrive, is 
 official, distinctly official. There is Wandle 
 and Mrs. Wandle, of the Irrigation ; Judge 
 Blore ; Colonel and Mrs. Boomley, Army of 
 Occupation; de Cosson Smith, of the Anti-
 
 128 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 quities; and M. and Madame de Loriot, of the 
 Suez Canal. 
 
 My stars, what a lot ! and I might have been 
 dining at the Delaneys ! 
 
 Judge Blore, an English judge of the Native 
 Court of Appeal, breaks an ominous silence with 
 the remark that he has not seen the Reuter's 
 telegrams this evening. We none of us care a 
 bit, but Burnham, who is a painstaking host, 
 repeats the substance of them to him while 
 we listen. Mrs. Boomley, who is very down- 
 right, asks Mrs. Burnham if she takes any 
 interest in politics. Mrs. Burnham murmurs 
 she does, though she 's afraid she does not 
 understand them. ' I don't,' says Mrs. Boomley, 
 with a vindictive look at the Colonel, who does ; 
 and we sink into another silence which can be 
 felt. 
 
 A laconic servant now opens the door, puts 
 his head in, and says loudly, ' Dinnaire serve.' 
 Upon which we gravely file into the dining- 
 room Mrs. Burnham, whom I take in, keeping 
 me as far off as she can. To my joy, I find I 
 am next Madame de Loriot on the other side, 
 who is amusing and very well dressed, and as 
 talkative as most of her race. Her husband 
 has a chronic asthma, and never speaks if he 
 can help it. 
 
 I know the dinner before I look at the menu. 
 Messy and bad. Mousse de jambon is the 
 classical dish one always gets, and it is typical 
 of the rest. 
 
 Now I must talk to Mrs. Burnham, who has
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 129 
 
 the Colonel on the other side of her, for the first 
 course or so, and then I can talk the rest of 
 dinner to Madame de Loriot. 
 
 It is no good waiting for her to begin, as she is 
 only thinking of what sort of muzzle I ought to 
 wear in order to be safe, so I turn on Sudan and 
 deluge her with floods of dreary experiences in 
 that country, she murmuring, ' Oh really ! ' 4 Did 
 you ? ' ' Only fancy ! ' at intervals. Blore, on 
 the other side of Madame de Loriot, begins to 
 lecture her on the iniquities of French law, 
 which evidently amuses her. Presently she 
 turns on him and abuses English law, which 
 she says she has read all about. ' What works 
 on the subject have you read, may I ask, 
 madame ? ' says Blore in his most ponderous 
 manner. * Dickens,' replies Madame, with an inno- 
 cent expression, ' and I also saw a play called 
 Trial by Jury.' Blore, who looks pained and 
 shocked, says, ' Oh, but, Madame, those are 
 not serious works on the subject.' 
 
 ' What are they, then, because they are cer- 
 tainly not funny ? ' says Madame. 
 
 She will have rather fun with Blore, I expect. 
 
 The Colonel, having finished his soup, decided 
 the fish is not worth eating, though it might 
 have been once, sampled and left alone the 
 sherry, and drunk his first glass of champagne, 
 fixes his eyeglass in his eye and opens fire. 
 
 * Terrible condition of affairs in England,' says 
 the Colonel. 4 The fact is, there is no discipline 
 anywhere. Now, what we want is a thorough 
 change. I really believe the only thing is a war, 
 
 I
 
 130 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ' These people don't understand things, but 
 they jolly well would if they were invaded by 
 Germany. We should not hear any more of 
 this d d rot. And then we should get the 
 two things we want, which are conscription 
 and Tariff Reform. Drill the people and get 
 them back to the land, that is what we want.' 
 
 Yes, he is well off now, and in two minutes 
 he will draw the Judge, who is a Liberal. I 
 can see the Judge's attention is wandering 
 from Madame de Loriot's painful remarks on 
 the absence of humour in the English and the 
 archaic condition of her laws. 
 
 I thought so ; just as the Colonel, who has 
 a certain dramatic sense, has explained why he 
 would shoot Lloyd George, hang Churchill, and 
 put Asquith in the pillory, to Mrs. Burnham's 
 obvious terror, the Judge, with what is meant 
 to be a conciliatory smile, but is really an un- 
 founded claim to a higher mental standpoint, 
 breaks in with, ' I think I perfectly understand, 
 Colonel, your irritation at the policy of the 
 Government, but don't you think perhaps that 
 you are ascribing to them motives and inten- 
 tions which they cannot be quite fairly credited 
 with ? ' (and so on). 
 
 I turn to Madame, and we soon get off into 
 a comfortable conversational channel on the 
 recent plays and books of France, and then on 
 to her experiences and travels ; a short account 
 of her life at Ismailia her garden, of which she 
 is justly proud, and other people's gardens, of 
 which she is less justly critical, and so on. Not
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 131 
 
 much in it all, perhaps, but what a comfort, 
 rest, and pleasure it is to listen to somebody 
 who can talk well, as she can ! The lightness 
 of touch, the cunning and careful mixture of 
 grave and gay, the foreseeing tact which enables 
 her to glide away from the subject before it 
 has ceased to interest and amuse, the apparent 
 absence of egotism and the delicate soupgon of 
 flattery and interest in her interlocutor, fill 
 one with admiration and well-being. All my 
 irritation disappears, the world lights up again ; 
 the birds of one's mind begin to sing, and I wish, 
 as I often have, that it was good manners to 
 break into applause, or purr, or do something to 
 show one's gratitude and approval. One sense 
 so quickly affects another, that I am rapidly 
 becoming convinced that she is a really good- 
 looking woman, in spite of a mouth of abnormal 
 size and a complexion which does not bear 
 discussion. 
 
 Meanwhile, from the outer world the sounds 
 of battle occasionally obtrude their presence. 
 The booming of the heavy batteries of the 
 Colonel replies to the sharper field guns of the 
 Judge, and the rest of the table, who have 
 been drawn into the struggle, add to the 
 thunder of the combat. 
 
 It is that bane of existence, the fiscal ques- 
 tion, in its most acute form. They will all 
 argue and bicker, and go over the same ground 
 again and again, and will arrive no nearer to a 
 conclusion. 
 
 They will get heated, unreasonable, discour-
 
 132 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 teous, and disagreeable. They don't know what 
 they are eating or drinking, which is perhaps 
 lucky for them at the moment; but they will 
 suffer all the more afterwards, for they will 
 forget to be cautious. As if Burnham's food 
 was not a sufficient strain on their digestive 
 processes, without the additional burden they 
 are casting on their, owing to Egyptian food, 
 already impaired digestions, by exciting them- 
 selves in this way ! I believe in a way they 
 enjoy it, though, for the sake of the noise, as 
 children like banging a tea-tray with a poker. 
 
 The two people who suffer the most are Mrs. 
 Burnham and de Loriot, who, as one does not, 
 and the other cannot, speak, are used, as the 
 Speaker is used in the Commons, to address, 
 with the disadvantage that they cannot stop 
 their interlocutors all speaking at once. Mrs. 
 Burnham has obviously relinquished the idea 
 of muzzles or cages, or even lethal chambers, 
 while the Frenchman's sense of humour comes 
 to his aid, and I can see, by the occasional 
 twinkle in his eyes, that his is not unmixed 
 suffering. 
 
 As the dessert is put on, the fire slackens, and 
 one is sensible of that feeling of quietude one 
 has in a factory when they stop the machinery. 
 
 Mrs. Boomley, who has been pounding Wandle 
 in a pitiless fashion, announces she hates politics 
 and arguing, and, resting on our oars, we glide 
 on to the time when the ladies rise and leave 
 us. 
 
 With the port and cigarettes, we split up
 
 OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 133 
 
 into groups : the Colonel, de Loriot, and 
 Wandle discussing the iniquities of the various 
 steamship lines plying between Egypt and 
 Europe, and deploring the general increase in 
 the expense of living ; whilst the Judge, Burnham, 
 and myself talk shop about the relative scales 
 of fees in the Mixed and Native Courts, and 
 the cost of litigation generally in Egypt. They 
 both talk well on the subject, especially Burnham, 
 who has the transcendent gift of clear expres- 
 sion ; and I am quite sorry when we rise to join 
 the ladies. 
 
 These we find already prepared to leave the 
 house, as there is a party at the Agency, to which 
 we are all going except the de Loriots, who 
 are in mourning. 
 
 I say good-night to the de Loriots, and 
 agree to lunch there on Friday, dine and go 
 to the opera on Monday, stay at Ismailia next 
 month for a Thursday to Saturday, and send 
 Madame two books I have freely quoted from 
 during the evening, but of which I have only 
 read the reviews (I hope they are fit for her 
 reading), and then, having taken my leave 
 and woken up the chauffeur, I start for the 
 Agency.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 EVENING PARTY 
 
 BY common consent of all reasonable humanity 
 it has been decided that an evening party is 
 the most trying form of social function ; it is 
 also the most senseless. 
 
 If one is of a sociable nature, one likes to meet 
 one's fellows and converse with them in peace 
 and comfort. If one loves one's fellow-human, 
 one wishes him to be happy and comfortable. 
 
 An evening party certainly allows you to 
 meet, and even bump, your fellow, but under 
 the most adverse conditions for comfortable 
 conversation. 
 
 It can be described as a brutal social observ- 
 ance in which the upper classes play at being 
 a mob. 
 
 Everything must in essence be good or evil, 
 and that essence can be detected by result. An 
 evening party obviously comes from the nether 
 world, where it is probably a regular institu- 
 tion. 
 
 However, it is in our own hands to turn evil 
 and suffering to good account, and if one goes 
 to an evening party in a spirit of fortitude and 
 resignation, I don't believe that it does you 
 any serious harm from a moral point of view. 
 
 134
 
 EVENING PARTY 135 
 
 Physically it deteriorates your body from the 
 outside by undue pressure, applied either to 
 the body or to the feet, and inwardly by an 
 almost total absence of oxygen for the lungs 
 and an acute form of nervous strain. 
 
 Whatever its origin (probably a form of sun- 
 worship by making the night or sunless time 
 unpleasant), it is at present kept going either 
 by the medical profession or the bores. 
 
 The mental position of the doctors, though 
 sordid, is easy to understand. 
 
 They look upon evening parties as a source 
 of income, and I have seen them at these 
 assemblies gloating over the rich harvest they 
 will reap in the next few days. 
 
 If you are sufficiently near to one you can 
 hear him mutter, ' Aha, there goes Mrs. Jones 
 with the influenza still on her. She is infec- 
 tious all right. Mrs. Tomkins looks pretty bad. 
 This ought to send her to bed for a fortnight. 
 If Smith's lungs can stand this I will eat my 
 hat. Robinson is bound to get that bad foot 
 of his trodden on with any decent luck, and if 
 he does he is good for six visits at least,' and 
 so on. 
 
 Besides the doctors, the bores are the only 
 people (except a few eccentrics and neuras- 
 thenics) who enjoy an evening party. In all 
 other positions of life either their energies are 
 restricted, as at dinner or in a railway carriage, 
 to a few people, or the victims have a reasonable 
 chance of escape. 
 
 In a party their victims are driven to them
 
 136 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 in herds. They are hemmed in in a narrow 
 space from which there is no escape, or are 
 forced through doorways and past corners 
 behind which the bore lurks, ready to leap on 
 his victim as he or she passes. 
 
 One sees them go away at the end of the 
 evening gorged with the good temper and peace 
 of mind they have sucked from their prey. 
 
 Yes, on the whole, I believe it is the bores 
 more than the doctors who keep up this inhuman 
 practice. 
 
 In books one reads of brilliant men passing 
 through brilliant rooms saying brilliant things 
 to their fellow-guests ; in real life you see men 
 with worn, angry faces fighting their way 
 through a seething mass of overheated humanity 
 to the refreshments, under the hope that alcohol 
 will make them forget their sorrows. 
 
 How can one be brilliant with a man standing 
 on your toes, another with his elbow deep in 
 your ribs, whilst a muscular and impatient 
 lady urges you on by prodding you in the back 
 with her fan, which she subsequently accuses you 
 of breaking ? Far from being brilliant, one's 
 difficulty is to refrain from coarse profanity. 
 
 However, to-night I really mean to try to 
 add to the gaiety of the social life of Cairo. 
 
 Mrs. Delaney, Mrs. Fitz, and, I regret to say, 
 many others of my friends have told me that 
 my mere appearance at a party depresses them 
 terribly, and I have determined to make an 
 effort to-night to enjoy myself and amuse my 
 friends.
 
 EVENING PARTY 137 
 
 As my thoughts reach this point, an unusually 
 terrifying swerve of the car informs me that I 
 have entered the Agency gates and have arrived 
 at my destination. Thank Heaven ! Mrs. Fitz 
 has asked me to go on to the Savoy to supper, 
 so I shall escape fairly early from this scene of 
 tumultuous delight. 
 
 It is important to watch where one's coat 
 and hat are put away, first because, there being 
 no racks or shelves to put them on, they are 
 put down anywhere that is vacant, and, secondly, 
 the servants cannot, as a rule, read the numbers 
 they pin on them, so if you trust to these worthies 
 to find your garments at the end of the party 
 you will probably never see them again. Mine 
 on this occasion are placed on the coal-scuttle. 
 
 The portion of the Agency devoted to what is 
 by courtesy called entertaining was designed 
 by a humorist or a misanthrope. A not too 
 wide passage leads from the hall to these rooms, 
 and through it all those arriving, departing, or 
 seeking refreshment must pass. It is here that 
 the crush is usually most painful. At the end 
 of the passage three doors open one on the 
 right, one in front, and one on the left. The 
 centre door admits you to the ballroom, where 
 the crowd is the densest, the other two into 
 smaller rooms which communicate with the 
 ballroom by other doors. Here there is less 
 crowd, but, as a set-off or compensation, more 
 bores. 
 
 In the ballroom even bores are too busy 
 jostling one another to fix on you with any
 
 138 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 tenacity. In the small rooms they get you into 
 a corner and really enjoy themselves. I deter- 
 mine to try the ballroom to-night, and plunge 
 into the centre of what is called technically 
 the c scrum ' at football, I believe. I find 
 myself jammed up against Torper, who smiles 
 at me rather sillily, and I grin back. I often 
 wish there was some other way of greeting 
 men in a crowd. To a lady one can make a 
 sort of bow, or, anyhow, a sort of paralytic con- 
 vulsion which indicates that if you were a 
 free man in the open you would bow to her, 
 but to a man you can do nothing but grin and 
 nod, a kind of gesture which should imply 
 ' Well, you do look an ass ! ' 
 
 Every one is talking, and as I am ground for- 
 ward I listen in vain for the brilliant conversation. 
 
 Four phrases will carry one through any 
 party. ' How are you ? ' 'Is not it hot ? ' 
 ' Did you go to X to-day ? ' 4 Are you going 
 to X to-morrow ? ' You need not bother about 
 the answers, which very likely you won't hear. 
 At this point I am shot into the ballroom like 
 a cherry-stone from between a finger and thumb. 
 Here, though it is densely crowded, one can turn 
 round. One keeps up the paralytic bows and the 
 nodding grins, and tries to make up one's mind 
 what portion of the room one will make for. 
 
 I join an easterly current, which should 
 eventually land me near the window, where 
 very probably one can breathe. Here comes 
 old Madame d'Haricot, crushing her way 
 through the crowd.
 
 EVENING PARTY 139 
 
 4 Ah ! milor, where 'ave you been ? I nevare 
 see you. It is no good to tell you my day is 
 Friday, I suppose ? ' 
 
 I cannot think of anything brilliant, or, in 
 fact, anything at all, except that I thought it 
 was long past, which obviously would not do. 
 I at last murmur something about being so busy. 
 
 ' What ? ' she screams ; ' on a Friday ? ' 
 
 Just so of course, I have put my foot in it. I 
 can only say, ' Alas, Madame, Friday as Well 
 as other days.' 
 
 4 You work too hard,' she says ; 4 you look 
 tired, older.' 
 
 Confound her ! Who can be brilliant under 
 such circumstances ? 
 
 I very nearly say, c With you that appears 
 to be impossible,' but luckily don't, and change 
 it for, ' We none of us get younger,' which is, 
 on reflection, a shade worse. Happily at this 
 moment Madame sees Sir Arthur Gibbs, our 
 great irrigationist, who is a few yards off. 
 
 4 Sir Arterre, Sir Arterre,' she screams, and 
 crushes forward in his direction. Heaven help 
 him ! 
 
 I next run into Pontingly, who is three foot 
 six high, and correspondingly important and 
 mysterious. 4 Have I heard about Molloy ? ' I 
 say, 4 What ? ' He looks as if the rack would 
 not make him indiscreet, and says in a stage 
 whisper, 4 It 's out,' and drifts on. I wonder 
 whether it 's a scandal, an engagement, an 
 appointment, or a tooth, and find myself opposite 
 Mrs. Larg, the bank manager's wife, who is
 
 140 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 a blaze of brilliant brocade and jewels. She 
 greets me with the great manner of Surbiton. 
 I suspect Larg, who is a very capable and effi- 
 cient man, is there too, but at parties he gets 
 hidden behind her resplendent skirts. It re- 
 minds me always of the power behind the 
 throne. We talk the correct platitudes which 
 two personages of finance should do, until I 
 find myself resistlessly impelled forward by the 
 impact of some unusually heavy mass of flesh, 
 which from its size and softness must, I think, 
 be a Minister. I look over my shoulder and 
 find it is so indeed : it is his Excellency of 
 the Arts and Crafts. 
 
 4 Aha ! ' he says, as I apologise for his hurting 
 me, ' we find ourselves together again. Sapristi ! 
 how hot it is ! I could drink willingly a glass 
 of champagne,' and with a seraphic smile he rolls 
 off in the direction of the refreshment-room. 
 
 I look round to find I am now opposite to 
 Mrs. MacWhirter, the wife of the American 
 judgeat least, I think it 's she, but no living 
 soul can remember which is she and which is 
 her aunt, who lives with her. They are not 
 really alike, but their faces are so uninteresting 
 one cannot remember them. As we make again 
 our original remarks on the crowdedness of the 
 room and the heat, I rack my brain for some- 
 thing better to say. MacWhirter has gone down 
 to Alexandria on an arbitration case, so I say : 
 
 4 Well, I always said your husband was a 
 very lucky man. He must be chuckling when 
 he thinks of us.'
 
 EVENING PARTY 141 
 
 She looks furious and turns away without a 
 word. Good heavens ! It was the aunt, and 
 she is separated from her husband. There is 
 nothing to be done. If it gets out I shall never 
 hear the last of it. I must pretend to think it 
 was Mrs. MacWhirter, and trust to the aunt 
 not repeating it. 
 
 I am now simply boiling, but another surge of 
 the crowd deposits me near the window, where 
 I find Mrs. Delaney, looking cool and as neat 
 as if she had just stepped out of a bandbox. 
 She will, at all events, be sympathetic. I don't 
 think I ever saw her looking more beautiful 
 and charming. Apparently this sentiment is 
 not reciprocated, because her first remark is : 
 
 4 Please, Lord Edward, don't try to smile at a 
 party again. It is really terrible to see your face.' 
 
 This is discouraging, but I tell her of my good 
 resolutions, which I regret to say she receives 
 with unconcealed merriment. 
 
 Just as I am feeling happy for the first time 
 since I entered the room, that creature de 
 Courcelle, the French Consul- General, comes up 
 and says he has been told that he is to have the 
 honour of taking her to have some supper, and 
 off they go. She tells me to come to tea to- 
 morrow as a compensation, which takes away 
 some of the bitterness of the disappointment. 
 
 This move to the supper-room means that the 
 royalties, princes, consuls - general, etc., are 
 going, and we can slip away. I turn in the 
 direction of the door and slowly fight my way 
 towards it. Once in the doorway one is shot
 
 142 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 forward by the tide of hungry guests, and I 
 find myself in the hall, where I run straight into 
 Camberley of the Agency. 
 
 ' Oh, look here, Cecil, they want you to take 
 in Countess Swartzenberg you know, the 
 Duchess's lady-in-waiting; have you seen her 
 anywhere ? ' I murmur ' No,' cursing royalties, 
 ladies-in-waiting, and the Agency under my 
 breath. We search the now empty rooms, and 
 find nothing but two engaged couples, a well- 
 accepted scandal, and his Excellency of the 
 Arts and Crafts fast asleep in a large chair 
 behind a door. 
 
 I suggest some one else has taken her in, and we 
 regain the hall. Now for a dash before they think 
 of some other little plan for my happiness. 
 
 At this moment a hand is laid upon my arm. 
 
 I turn round, and realise with horror that I 
 am in the hands of the enemy. Maudely has 
 me in his clutches. 
 
 Maudely was, in prehistoric times, a journalist 
 of note, and he has been left stranded in Cairo 
 by the receding tide of his life. Some people 
 declare that a leading newspaper proprietor of 
 enormous wealth pays him a generous stipend 
 on the express condition that Maudely is never 
 to come within one thousand miles of this 
 magnate's office. 
 
 ' How are you, my dear fellow ? ' I say with 
 forced cheerfulness. It is like trying to joke 
 with one's hangman. 
 
 ' Pretty well, pretty well, thank you,' he 
 replies. ' That reminds me of a certain occa-
 
 EVENING PARTY 143 
 
 sion when I asked the same question of Lord 
 Henry Fitzherbert, who was then ambassador at 
 Rome in 1873 no, I am wrong, I know; it was 
 1875 and I '11 tell you why, because that was 
 the first year in which I left off wearing the old 
 spring-side boots, Jemimas, they used to be 
 called, you know. They were then still quite 
 fashionable, for only a couple of years before 
 that I can remember as well as possible crossing 
 St. James's Park with Sam Barley old Sam 
 Barley, as we used to call him, though, as a 
 matter of fact, he was not old a bit. Let me see, 
 Sam was then three- or four-and-forty, not 
 more, because he was the same age as the late 
 Bishop of Blackhampton, who died five years 
 afterwards of a very curious accident. He was 
 opening a bottle. I don't know what of. I hope 
 not brandy, for that would not do for a cleric, 
 would it ? I have been told what it was, but 
 I forget. Arthur Clouston, who was his nephew 
 by his second or third wife, used to tell me 
 about it, as we were both members of the 
 same club, the Stuffington, when it was in 
 Berkeley Square, a beautiful house, which had 
 belonged to Lord Harpendale not this man, of 
 course, but his grandfather. A fine old boy. 
 He used to wear a blue coat and buff waistcoat 
 till the day of his death, and drank his two bottles 
 of port every day " to keep the gout off," he 
 used to say ; but of course he was before my 
 time,' etc. etc. 
 
 There now, what have I done to deserve 
 this ? He scarcely ever even finishes one of
 
 144 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 his infernal stories, and if by any chance he does, 
 one wishes he had not. I wonder if I shall 
 ever grow to be like that ; if I do, I hope they '11 
 give me prussic acid or something as deadly. 
 
 There is no known means of stopping him, 
 and any attempt to keep him to the point is 
 like cutting off the heads of the Hydra. 
 
 Ah, here comes his wife, of whom he lives in 
 dread. He sees her, and, mumbling something 
 about telling me about it another time, he 
 drifts quietly away, and disappears with the 
 ease born of long practice. Judging from her 
 appearance, he has probably been avoiding his 
 wife for the last forty years ; ever since he 
 married her, in fact. 
 
 I move with the rapidity of the hunted rabbit 
 to the cloak-room, where I find an angry mob 
 objurgating three or four demented Berberine 
 servants who are handing every one some one 
 else's coat and hat. In the confusion they 
 even ' break the sets,' so to speak. I see a 
 timid youth with two large wideawakes, one 
 in each hand, bleating vainly for his cap, whilst 
 an irritable tourist has been given three walking- 
 sticks and nothing else, which is certainly in- 
 sufficient clothing for a cold night. 
 
 Knowing my way about these affairs, I slip 
 under the counter, go straight to the coal- 
 scuttle, where I am lucky enough to find my 
 hat and coat untouched, and, casting myself into 
 the crowd, I fight my way to the door. 
 
 With a little trouble I find my taxi and start 
 for the Savoy.
 
 CHAPTER X 
 SUPPER PART I 
 
 As I drive away, I feel that delicious sense of 
 relief which only comes, with the cessation of 
 severe bodily pain, at the termination of a long 
 illness, or after an evening party. 
 
 The comfort of being able to move without 
 crushing or being crushed is very great ; and 
 even the atmosphere of Cairo seems pure after 
 the air we have been breathing. As it is neces- 
 sarily very tiring to play a kind of football 
 without the ball or any oxygen, I don't feel in 
 quite the right mood for a supper, and wish I 
 was going to bed. There is, however, the possi- 
 bilitynay, even the probability that Mrs. Fitz 
 has forgotten all about it, or thinks that she 
 has asked me on another night at another 
 hotel, in which case I can go home to my well- 
 earned rest. 
 
 To-night there is a ball at the Savoy, so it 
 will be crowded. The hotel balls are, I may 
 say, the leading feature of our society. There 
 are now very few big European houses where 
 entertainments are given, and the increased 
 size of our social world has rendered the small 
 dances and parties of ten years ago impossible. 
 The result is that nowadays nine-tenths of the
 
 146 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 entertaining is done at the hotels, and usually 
 on ball nights. This is in some ways rather 
 convenient for the host, as he does not have 
 the trouble of amusing his guests after dinner, 
 for they dance or look on at the dancing. By 
 a merciful but unwritten law, too, the host 
 can go away without giving offence directly 
 supper has begun that is, at eleven o'clock. 
 
 All the principal hotels give a ball once a 
 week throughout the season ; but the smart 
 ones, to which all the Best People go, are the 
 Savoy and the Semiramis. [We talk a great 
 deal about the Best People in Cairo. You should 
 accentuate the word Best slightly when using the 
 phrase, and it is customary to add the words, 
 ' You know what I mean,' after using it. 
 Who constitute the Best People is a matter of 
 opinion except, of course, in the cases of your- 
 self and the person to whom you are talking.] 
 Next, in order of merit, come the Ghezireh, 
 Shepheard's, and Heliopolis, and last of all, the 
 Continental, which is much frequented by the 
 jeunesse doree of Pashadom. 
 
 As each hotel gives its weekly ball on a different 
 day of the week, it is possible to go to a dance 
 six nights out of seven for the five months of 
 the season ; and I really believe there are some 
 people who do this and survive. 
 
 Of course there are other entertainments, 
 either of a recurrent nature as, for example, the 
 opera (which is usually like nothing else on 
 earth except a concert of cats) or special fes- 
 tivities which are given from time to time, such
 
 SUPPER PART I 147 
 
 as garden parties, concerts, etc. ; but the balls 
 are the standing dish, of which you can always 
 partake if you can get nothing better. 
 
 As might be inferred, dancing is very popular 
 in Cairo. We all, or almost all of us, dance, 
 and we go on dancing up to any age. Grand- 
 mothers and gentlemen with grey hair and a 
 lower chest measurement of fifty inches hop 
 round gravely with the rest. 
 
 At this point I am rudely disturbed by my 
 chauffeur, who has made a slight miscalculation, 
 attempting (apparently) to drive up the hotel 
 steps. I pay him off with a proper sense of 
 thankfulness, get rid of my hat and coat, and 
 enter a large hall, out of which the ballroom 
 opens, and which I believe is called the lounge. 
 
 Now my difficulty will be to find Mrs. Fitz. 
 The best chance for me will be to stand in the 
 big doorway which connects the ballroom 
 with the lounge. Here I am very shortly 
 afterwards hailed by Bentley, who informs me 
 with his usual hauteur that Mrs. Fitz has told 
 him to look out for me, to inform me that supper 
 is to be at twelve that is, in about twenty 
 minutes and that it will take place in the private 
 room at the end of the main passage ; which 
 instructions I receive with humility and thanks. 
 
 As Bentley is never, strictly speaking, a 
 brilliant conversationalist, and as I don't see 
 any one in the vicinity to whom I am exactly 
 pining to talk, we stand in silence and watch 
 the crowd. 
 
 I know a great number of faces, for the same
 
 148 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 individuals come out here for the winter, as 
 tourists, year after year ; and one often gets 
 quite interested in people and their affairs 
 without ever getting to know them to speak to. 
 Then Cairo hotel society is interesting as being, 
 I suppose, the most mixed crowd in the world. 
 In it are to be found representatives of almost 
 all civilised nationalities and of every grade of 
 the social scale, from the reigning Prince of 
 Slappenbach - Spitnitz and the Duchess of 
 Axminster to the Levantine Jew broker and 
 the little French actress. 
 
 Besides our queer medley of residents and 
 tourists, there are also many specimens of the 
 passers -through who stop for a week in Egypt 
 on the way between Europe and India, Australia, 
 China, Japan, the South Sea Islands, East 
 Africa, South Africa, and Heaven only knows 
 where else besides. 
 
 Egypt is also a not uncommon resort for those 
 who have good reason to refrain from stopping 
 in their own country ; so there is also a certain 
 element of romance about these people, if one 
 has a touch of imagination. The gentleman 
 from whom you take a light for your cigarette 
 may be anything from a European statesman 
 to a burglar, a wholesale or retail criminal. A 
 very gentlemanly foreign self-styled baron, who 
 was here for some time a few seasons ago, and 
 who got to know quite a lot of the Best People, 
 used to show us some very fine diamonds which 
 he said he had ' picked up very cheap.' This 
 was literally true, for he took them off some
 
 SUPPER PART I 149 
 
 one else's dressing-table in Paris. An immediate 
 interview with a young and very nice-looking 
 couple, who stayed here last year, was, we 
 heard afterwards, earnestly desired by the police 
 of no less than four European nations. 
 
 At one time, like most people, I felt sure that 
 I was a good judge of character from the face, 
 but I have modified my opinion. 
 
 It is amusing and instructive, as they falsely 
 said of the old Polytechnic, to try and guess 
 who and what the new arrivals are, and having 
 determined this to your own satisfaction, to 
 go then and ask, say, my friend Mr. Wild, the 
 manager of the Savoy, about them. A gentle- 
 man who was known to be one of the leading 
 card-sharpers of the day, I unhesitatingly put 
 down as a surgeon of blameless life in full prac- 
 tice ; and I mentally consigned to a lifelong 
 sentence in a convict prison an American repre- 
 sentative of the Y.M.C.A. 
 
 Still, even if one has some severe disappoint- 
 ments, it is quite an amusing game to play. It 
 is better, however, I have found, to keep your 
 opinion to yourself till you have verified it. It 
 seems to make one guess right more frequently. 
 
 In the outer room or lounge, groups of those 
 who have dined here together sit round small 
 tables smoking and talking. That large circle 
 of gentlemen, and, I regret to say, ladies, with 
 their backs bent forward in eager but respectful 
 attitudes, is the court of Sir Benjamin Abrahams, 
 the great financier, who is making a short stay 
 here, to look after his interests (emphatically
 
 150 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 his interests) in this country. No beauty is 
 regaled with so much flattery, no king is treated 
 with such subservience. With no one is acquaint- 
 ance claimed on slighter grounds. I heard a 
 leading social light here claim to have met 
 Sir Benjamin before, on the ground that they 
 had crossed the Channel in the same boat on a 
 rough day. I suppose frequenting millionaires 
 is profitable, or people would not do it, but it 
 must be disagreeable work. 
 
 The next group belongs to the mysterious 
 order of detached limpets. One glance assures 
 me that neither father nor mother, nor the two 
 very dull daughters, nor the very bored son, 
 ever wanted to leave the parental rock. Why 
 they move is a mystery. They hate travelling, 
 and take no interest in either strange coun- 
 tries, or antiquities, or even amusements. They 
 moodily move in silence from place to place, 
 until the mysterious force which has driven 
 them abroad weakens, and they can return to 
 their homes. I have made the acquaintance of 
 some specimens and asked them why they 
 travelled. They either would not or could not 
 give a satisfactory answer. One young lady 
 limpet told me it was ' because the drains were 
 up at home.' I felt puzzled. The danger of 
 even the most poisonous drains does not demand 
 that one should be thousands of miles away. 
 
 The next group are Americans of a peculiar 
 type. They are always the same wherever 
 you meet them, the low-class, fast-travelling 
 Americans ; they talk more, see more, and
 
 SUPPER PART I 151 
 
 understand less than any other class of traveller, 
 and are better not thought about, if you want 
 to be decently charitable. 
 
 The next table is occupied by a honeymoon 
 couple, who, if they were induced to come to 
 Egypt in search of what has been called modified 
 solitude, have been grossly misled. Perhaps it 
 is the work of the rejected rival, a cruel but 
 most adequate revenge. 
 
 For two people to travel together for long 
 without showing all the worst sides of their 
 characters is very rare. I would not do it with 
 my oldest, most tried and trusted friend ; and 
 why people should so often begin married life 
 which is, Lord knows, difficult enough under 
 any circumstances by doing that which is 
 admitted to be most dangerous to all mutual 
 respect and esteem, is more than I can under- 
 stand. 
 
 I consult Bentley v on the point, but his duck- 
 ing has, I fear, soured him, as he only suggests 
 that it is better to know the worst as soon as 
 possible and get it over. 
 
 Next to the seekers after modified solitude are 
 three dear old English ladies. Two are knitting, 
 and the third is doing crotchet work. They 
 don't talk much, but just sit there and look 
 on in a benevolent way. They look so love- 
 able and yet so helpless, one is tempted to go 
 to their assistance, and offer to guide them 
 through the difficulties and perils of Egypt. 
 
 As a matter of fact, they are three of the most 
 intrepid travellers existing. They are the famous
 
 152 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Misses Gubb, whose works, or rather the works 
 of Miss Amelia, who is the scribe of the party, 
 you have probably read. Through Turkestan in 
 Trousers, Black Kings and White Faces, The 
 Secret Shrines of the Wata Lai, and several more, 
 which all treat of places where the boldest man 
 goes not if he can possibly avoid it. 
 
 Under those black silk dresses there are the 
 hearts of heroes, and those grey locks cover 
 brains which would have not disgraced Columbus 
 or Marco Polo. 
 
 Savage chiefs have trembled before those 
 reticules ; and Miss Jane has, actually with her 
 here in Cairo, an umbrella with which she per- 
 sonally beat, for being rude to her, the son and 
 heir of Umtoompoto, a Central African monarch 
 who simply prefers wallowing in human blood 
 to any other amusement. 
 
 I believe there is only one moral force which 
 it is quite impossible to withstand, and that is 
 the force wielded by a nice but determined old 
 lady. 
 
 At this moment I catch the eye of a very 
 attractive-looking lady sitting on a sofa against 
 the wall a few yards away, and she beckons me 
 to come and talk to her. 
 
 It is Mrs. Dorline. She is what we call a 
 hardy perennial that is, a tourist who comes 
 to Cairo every winter. She is of good family, 
 has money of her own, has married a rich husband 
 who idolises her, and she has the constitution 
 of an ox. Having practically nothing in the 
 world to grumble at, she has provided worries
 
 SUPPER PART I 153 
 
 and troubles for herself. Her chief sorrow is, 
 I understand, that she is not understood. 
 
 She is tall, dark, and slight (her enemies say 
 thin), with slender, well-shaped hands and a 
 handsome clear-cut face, with large restless 
 grey eyes. Her appearance is marred by her 
 complexion being too pale, the shadows of 
 her face too dark, her lips too red, and her dress 
 too eccentric. There is also generally an un- 
 tidy, unhealthy look about her, which somehow 
 suggests that she has been buried and dug up 
 again. 
 
 4 Tell me,' she says, in her low, even voice, as 
 I seat myself beside her, ' what brings you to 
 these places. I always wonder when I see 
 you. Surely this,' with a slight circular gesture 
 of her hand, c cannot amuse you.' 
 
 Now that is the worst of talking to Mrs. Dor- 
 line. She starts in this sort of key, and I don't 
 know what to say. One does not want to be 
 absolutely unsympathetic and out of tune with 
 her, but one cannot answer in the same style 
 without feeling either a humbug or an ass. 
 
 I say feebly that I have come because I am 
 engaged to go to supper, but that really these 
 balls do rather amuse me in a way. 
 
 ' I wonder,' she thrills out. 4 Do you come 
 to forget ? ' 
 
 Poor dear, if she only knew what my memory 
 is like, she would not ask a silly question like 
 that. If I could only find any form of amuse- 
 ment that made me remember, I should indulge 
 in it every day.
 
 154 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 I reply in what I try to make a lighter tone, 
 though I fear it only sounds querulous. 
 
 ' I think I come to pass the time, to watch 
 the people, and to enjoy the reflection of amuse- 
 ment.' 
 
 4 I can never decide/ she says, l when I see 
 those deep-set, inscrutable eyes fixed on this 
 scene, whether behind them is infinite scorn or 
 pity. I watched you last Saturday and 
 wondered.' 
 
 If I remember rightly, any peculiarity of ex- 
 pression I may have shown last Saturday was 
 probably due to my collar stud slipping down and 
 finally lodging in my shoe. Infinite discomfort, 
 that was what was wrong with my deep-set eyes, 
 but I cannot tell her that. 
 
 4 I don't think it is either,' I mutter. ' I am 
 amused and perhaps I learn a little.' 
 
 (That is better. That is more the tone.) 
 
 4 What is the use ? ' she asks with sad intense - 
 ness ; ' it is all so purposeless, so meaning- 
 less. There is more to be learnt from the 
 leaves dancing in the wind or the ripples on a 
 brook.' 
 
 Now I cannot dispute this. I don't feel sure 
 about it. All I know is that the dancers here 
 are neither like leaves nor ripples. The only 
 two apt similes I can think of are cattle and 
 football players. 
 
 So I merely remark that one can learn from 
 everything. 
 
 4 And to what end ? ' comes back the answer. 
 4 Why should we learn and learn, when nothing
 
 SUPPER PART I 155 
 
 can solve the mysteries of life and death ? ' 
 (Drop of a semitone on the last word.) 
 
 She is positively making my flesh creep. I 
 wish she 5 d see a doctor about it. I am sure, 
 with careful diet, plenty of exercise, and a little 
 bicarbonate of soda, she would not feel like 
 that. 
 
 I confine myself to remarking that as we 
 cannot solve the insoluble, we may as well enjoy 
 ourselves in moderation. 
 
 4 Enjoy ! ' she exclaims. ' Ah, how can one 
 enjoy when one has found out that it is all false, 
 all unreal ? I feel as though I was crying night 
 and day Give me something real, something 
 true, even if it is sorrow ! ' 
 
 What a wife she must be to Dorline ! I have 
 heard he is a depressed man, and no wonder. 
 This sort of conversation makes me so uncom- 
 fortable. I feel inclined to ask her to put on a 
 spiritual dressing-gown. The police ought to 
 deal with people wilfully uncovering their souls 
 in public. 
 
 I murmur something about its being more 
 real than she thinks. 
 
 ' Oh, I wish I thought so, I only wish I thought 
 so,' she almost moans. ' It is this distrust of 
 all the so-called realities which makes one loathe 
 and despise the petty restrictions of conven- 
 tionality.' 
 
 This is getting worse and worse. Is she con- 
 templating an elopement, or merely walking 
 about without her boots, or something of that 
 sort ? I don't know what she calls petty re-
 
 156 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 strictions. With this sort of woman it may 
 mean almost anything from having to wear 
 gloves to the Ten Commandments. 
 
 I point out (with really disgusting pomposity) 
 that these same conventions are the treaties 
 which individuals enter into to respect the 
 rights and comfort of the many. This anyhow 
 can do no harm, as it means nothing. 
 
 At this moment mercifully, as I really cannot 
 bear much more conversation of this sort, she 
 is claimed by a partner, and I take my leave. 
 
 ' Come and see me soon,' she says. ' To talk 
 with some one who really feels, who really 
 understands, is such a help, such a bath for the 
 soul.' 
 
 Not if I know it. No mixed bathing for me ! 
 
 As I make this wise resolution, my eye falls 
 again on Miss Jane Gubb. I wonder what she 
 thinks about the realities of life and mixed soul- 
 bathing. I think I can guess. 
 
 As I rejoin Bentley, he exclaims in an almost 
 awestruck tone : c By Jove ! ' and I turn to see 
 what has produced this unusual burst of loquacity. 
 
 In the centre of the floor a couple of dancers 
 are stretched at full length. As I look, they 
 are helped up, and the lady, whose dress is 
 badly torn, is taken away to be pinned up, 
 whilst the man dusts himself and tries to accept 
 the apologies of his assailants, a tall muscular- 
 looking girl and an infant in the Rifle Brigade, 
 with becoming civility. 
 
 As all sorts and ages of mankind dance in 
 Cairo, styles of dancing differ very consider-
 
 SUPPER PART I 157 
 
 ably, from the slow crawl and rock to the dash- 
 ing swing ; with the result that accidents are 
 fairly common. 
 
 ' She will stretch some one for good some 
 day, 5 murmurs Bentley, with, I think, savage 
 satisfaction, ' that girl, if she goes on dancing 
 like that.' 
 
 I am sure immersion does not suit Bentley. 
 
 The girl in question, Miss Whanger, undis- 
 mayed and dancing, passes us at this minute. 
 ' If you would only be more careful about steer- 
 ing, Mr. Witterly,' she is saying rather acidly. 
 Poor Witterly, who has about as much control 
 over her as he would have over a steam-roller, 
 receives his rebuke meekly. He has long since 
 given up attempting to steer. All he can do 
 he does, which is at the last moment to inter- 
 pose his body between the objet aime and the 
 people she is about to fell to the ground. He 
 confided to me last week that he was so sore 
 with repeated blows that he could scarcely 
 walk.
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 SUPPER PART II 
 
 I AM beginning to feel hungry, as I wisely de- 
 clined to poison myself at Burnham's, and so 
 had practically no dinner. My thoughts natu- 
 rally turn to supper, and I begin to wonder of 
 whom the party is composed. I only hope it 
 is a quiet or comparatively quiet lot ; but no 
 one, including herself, can tell whom Mrs. Fitz 
 will ask. 
 
 Putting ices down one another's back is 
 amusing enough at twenty, but in later life in- 
 evitably leads to a bad chill. 
 
 At the last rowdy supper party I attended, 
 they poured all the champagne over poor old 
 Toomly, the doctor. He was in bed for a 
 week afterwards in consequence, and could only 
 talk in a hoarse whisper for the rest of the 
 season. 
 
 At this moment Mrs. Fitz appears, radiant 
 with a seraphic smile which long experience 
 has taught me to distrust. 
 
 4 Oh, Lord Edward, I know you are going to 
 be an angel to-night, won't you ? ' she says, in 
 tones she knows perfectly well we, none of us, 
 can resist. I may well be an angel shortly if I 
 
 168
 
 SUPPER PART II 159 
 
 am not given something to eat, as I am rapidly 
 starving, but I don't say so. I feel levity 
 would be out of place. 
 
 ' You see,' continues Mrs. Fitz, 4 1 made a 
 stupid mistake. There is a sort of relation of 
 mine out here, and I meant to ask her to supper 
 after the Charity Ball next week, when I am 
 going to work off all the frumps together, and 
 somehow, some one was talking, or something, 
 and I put in the wrong date. Now will you be 
 perfect and look after her ? ' 
 
 I reply that of course I shall be delighted, 
 and ask her with some misgiving who else is 
 coming to supper. 
 
 4 Well, that is just it,' says Mrs. Fitz, with 
 the worried look of a child whose toy won't 
 work. ' You remember we agreed it should be 
 rather a jolly supper ' (I don't remember any- 
 thing of the kind, but I nod sympathetically), 
 4 and I asked the Tollington girls and Mrs. 
 Chafferly and Mr. Rimington and Captain 
 Bentley and Captain Dasherly and the Baron 
 and two of the Rifles, I forget which, and oh, 
 the beautiful Mrs. Canley Tupper, the American 
 you know, and her sister Miss Blech. Oh yes, 
 and I asked Mrs. Dorline specially for you, but 
 she can't come. 5 
 
 Good heavens ! It is the very rowdiest lot 
 she could have got together. There is nothing 
 they won't do or say at supper. 
 
 4 Is your relation very . . . ' here I break 
 down for a word. I want to say * proper,' but 
 that does not sound quite civil.
 
 160 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ' Proper,' puts in Mrs. Fitz, with her most 
 charming smile. 
 
 ' No, I assure you I meant well stiff,' I 
 hasten to say. 
 
 ' Then you did mean proper,' says Mrs. Fitz 
 triumphantly. ' It is the same thing, and you 
 are very rude. Yes, she is just as proper as 
 she can be and awfully particular. I don't 
 want her to go away thinking awful things of 
 us all, so do keep her amused, so that she won't 
 notice it if the rest do make rather a noise.' 
 
 This is all very well. Of course Mrs. Fitz, 
 who probably poses as a serious person in 
 Cheshire, does not want to be given away to a 
 lot of very severe relations under whom I know 
 she suffers at home ; but if she thinks that 
 any conversation in the world will stop her 
 relation noticing that people are braying like 
 donkeys or crowing like cocks, or throwing 
 peaches at each other, she is altogether too 
 sanguine. 
 
 ' I am putting the Baron on her other side, 
 and perhaps she won't stay long,' continues 
 Mrs. Fitz. ' It is really too tiresome of her 
 coming.' 
 
 4 Well,' I say, ' does the Baron know what he 
 is to do ? ' 
 
 ' Oh yes, I told him, and he did not really 
 mind a bit : at least not much. Here he is.' 
 
 As she says this the Baron marches up and 
 makes his most perfect bow. 
 
 4 Good evening, milor,' he says. ' I hear we 
 are in nice jobs ; but what Madame wishes '
 
 SUPPER PART II 161 
 
 and here he makes a gesture indicating our 
 powerlessness to struggle against Mrs. Fitz's 
 victorious charms. 
 
 4 1 am quite sure,' says Mrs. Fitz, whose irre- 
 pressible optimism is again in the ascendant, 
 4 that you and Lord Edward will manage beauti- 
 fully between you.' 
 
 4 I think it deeficult,' remarks the Baron, 
 4 unless we make so something, some how say 
 you, plans now.' 
 
 4 1 have got it,' cries Mrs. Fitz enthusiastically. 
 
 4 What it ? ' says the Baron interestedly. 
 
 4 Why, let us all pretend to be very serious, 
 like a play or a charade, you know.' 
 
 I can with difficulty follow Mrs. Fitz's enthusi- 
 astic remarks after some years of practice. The 
 Baron is completely fogged. 
 
 4 What shall we make her to play ? ' he asks 
 tentatively. 
 
 4 No, Mrs. Fitz means that we shall all act 
 parts,' I explain, 'like actors in a play at the 
 theatre, and pretend we are a very serious set 
 of people.' 
 
 4 Oh, I see, yes, it is possible,' admits the 
 Baron doubtfully. 4 We can try.' 
 
 But Mrs. Fitz, once started on one of her 
 schemes, is not to be discouraged. 
 
 4 Now Lord Edward, get all of them together 
 in the supper room, and I will tell Miss Sadenham 
 to wait for us all in the hall. That will give 
 us time to explain our plan ' (our, mark you) 
 4 to the others, and then one of us can go out 
 and bring her in.'
 
 162 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 We hastily adjourn to the supper room, 
 where we find the c serious ' party have already 
 assembled, and are keeping down the pangs of 
 hunger by playing cricket with a poker and a 
 knotted napkin. They have just succeeded in 
 breaking a window as the Baron and I enter. 
 
 Mrs. Fitz, who appears almost as soon as we 
 do, explains matters with such skill and enthu- 
 siasm, that the scheme is delightedly taken up. 
 Each member of the party selects a serious 
 interest on the spot, and in a short time the 
 cast for our impromptu theatrical performance 
 is decided upon, and it is as follows : 
 
 Mrs. Fitz, as she is known in 
 Cheshire 
 
 A Serious Under-Secretary 
 who believes in England's 
 mission in Egypt . 
 
 A Distinguished Foreign 
 Diplomat who emulates 
 George Washington in 
 veracity and is a devoted 
 advocate of women's rights 
 
 Two Sedate Young Ladies 
 who are the chief support 
 of the branch of the 
 S.P.C.A. in Cairo . 
 
 A Student of Arab Art, an 
 artist who paints serious 
 and improving pictures . 
 
 A Lady deeply interested in 
 rooting out the slave trade 
 in all its forms from 
 Central Africa 
 
 MRS. FITZ. 
 
 LORD E. CECIL. 
 
 THE BARON SODISKY. 
 
 THE MISSES TOLLINQTON. 
 
 MRS. CHAFFERLY. 
 
 MRS, CANLEY TUPPER,
 
 SUPPER PART II 163 
 
 A Lady Egyptologist and 
 
 Antiquarian . . . Miss NATALIE BLECH. 
 An Archaeologist of very 
 
 silent habits . . . MR. RIMINGTON. 
 Earnest Soldiers, friends of 
 
 the above . . . CAPTAIN BENTLEY. 
 
 CAPTAIN DASHERLY. 
 MR. SANDGATE. 
 MR. WITTERLY. 
 
 The cast is hastily written out on menu cards, 
 and one of them is given to each of us, so that 
 we may remember who is who and what sort 
 of things we ought to say to them. 
 
 Dick Rimington, whose English is remark- 
 able, to say the least of it, is warned to be as 
 silent as possible and on no account to use 
 slang. 
 
 The Misses Tollington are also cautioned. 
 Miss Dena is specially requested to abstain 
 from what she calls her 4 Ittifraz ' (Idiot English 
 for little phrases). 
 
 Mrs. Fitz really is a marvellous woman. I 
 don't believe any one else in the world could 
 have got us even to think of trying to do such 
 a thing. With one last general appeal to us 
 to do our best, she disappears to fetch her 
 relative. 
 
 I really feel a certain amount of stage fright, 
 and I can see the others, except the Baron, share 
 this feeling. He remains quite unmoved, as if 
 what we are going to do is an ordinary part of 
 his daily life. 
 
 In a few minutes Mrs. Fitz reappears with a
 
 164 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 middle-aged lady of most forbidding aspect. 
 There is a squareness about her face and a 
 hard look in her little grey eyes which are 
 simply terrifying. We are all formally intro- 
 duced to her, and sit down in our places at the 
 supper table. 
 
 ' I confess I very seldom go out to supper,' 
 remarks Miss Sadenham as a commencement. 
 c I think that it keeps one up too late, and 
 plenty of good sleep is most important for every 
 one.' 
 
 The Baron, whose usual bed-time is 5 A.M., 
 cordially agrees with her. He is, he states, in 
 his own peculiar dialect of English, of opinion 
 that suppers are both wantonly extravagant 
 and interfere with the next day's work in a 
 most deplorable manner, but on certain occa- 
 sions like the present they are certainly very 
 agreeable. 
 
 Miss Sadenham then proceeds to put the 
 Baron through a searching examination with 
 regard to the party assembled, and that gentle- 
 man gives short biographical sketches of each 
 of them, which evidently impress Miss Sadenham. 
 Luckily the Baron's English renders these bright 
 little flights of imagination difficult to under- 
 stand, and the less they are understood the 
 more likely they are to be believed. 
 
 Mrs. Canley Tupper, who is very nervous and 
 obviously going to over-act her part, begins by 
 telling me in high pitched nasal tones that she 
 cannot sleep at night for thinking of the horrors 
 of the slavery in the Sudan, to which I hastily
 
 SUPPER PART II 165 
 
 assent, correcting the place to ' Congo ' as if it 
 was an obvious slip of the tongue. 
 
 The rest of the party begin talking in tones 
 somewhat muffled by nervousness, and I begin 
 to feel more cheerful. Things are not going so 
 badly, and if Mrs. Fitz, who is shaking all over, 
 can only control her suppressed merriment, all 
 may yet be well. 
 
 My hopefulness is soon checked by Miss Amy 
 Tollington, who has never remained silent for 
 five consecutive minutes since she could speak, 
 attacking Rimington on the subject of archae- 
 ology, which I am convinced both of them think 
 is connected in some way with Noah. Riming- 
 ton, conscious of a certain vagueness of mind 
 on the subject, is not to be enticed into display- 
 ing his ignorance, but says with great dignity : 
 " Madam, my impaired digestion prevents me 
 talking at meals, and this is the first food I have 
 had since dawn.' 
 
 4 What a whop ' bursts out Miss Amy, and 
 Mrs. Chaff erly starts a cough which is meant to 
 cover the remark, but which could only ordinarily 
 proceed from the throat of a basso profundo 
 who was dying of whooping-cough. It serves 
 its purpose however, for it frightens Miss Saden- 
 ham so much that she quite forgets about Miss 
 Amy's outburst. Miss Amy, who I am glad to 
 see is crimson, is glared at indignantly by the 
 rest of the party. 
 
 At this point Mrs. Fitz, who has been making 
 heroic efforts to appear to be listening to 
 Bentley's minute-gun remarks with an interest
 
 166 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 not usually accorded to them, suddenly loses 
 control of herself and bursts into a fit of almost 
 hysterical laughter. 
 
 The conversation stops dead, and Miss Saden- 
 ham asks her what has amused her so extremely. 
 4 Oh, oh,' gasps Mrs. Fitz. 4 It is only that 
 Captain Bentley's stories are so ridiculous.' 
 
 4 And are we to be permitted to hear them ? ' 
 says Miss Sadenham, unbending slightly. ' You 
 did not inform me that Captain Bentley was a 
 wit, Baron Sodisky. I thought you said he was 
 of a serious disposition.' 
 
 4 Take it from me,' commences Dick Rim- 
 ington, when he catches my eye and stops 
 abruptly. 
 
 4 Take what from you, Mr. Rimington, may 
 I inquire ? ' says Miss Sadenham, still affably. 
 
 Mrs. Chafferly explains that the now purple 
 Rimington was only offering her his bread, and 
 we breathe again. 
 
 Miss Sadenham now returns to the charge. 
 * Cannot you, Lilian, let the table have the 
 benefit of listening to Captain Bentley's stories 
 by repeating them to us, or perhaps he would 
 prefer to tell them to us himself ? ' 
 
 Bentley, who looks as if he had been given 
 five minutes to decide if he prefers to be boiled 
 to death or roasted alive, falters out, ' I would 
 rather not,' and retreats into silence. Mrs. 
 Fitz is still unable to speak, so the Baron hurriedly 
 explains in a low tone of voice to Miss Sadenham 
 how shy Bentley is, though he is very amusing 
 when not overcome by this defect.
 
 SUPPER PART II 167 
 
 4 He is a good fellow, very airnst but witty, 
 what you call serio-comic,' ends up the Baron, 
 to Miss Sadenham's bewilderment. 
 
 It is all very well in theory to be mixed up 
 in a joke of this sort, and it may be amusing to 
 talk and think about afterwards ; but at the 
 moment of its perpetration the suffering of the 
 participators is intense. I do not know what 
 sum I would not give to be sitting quietly at 
 home at this moment. 
 
 We talk on feverishly ; even the Baron is begin- 
 ning to get a worn look, while Mrs. Canley 
 Tupper is now babbling about slavery in a style 
 which can only be described as a cross between 
 Daily Mailian and Earlswoodese. 
 
 As all the remainder of the party are now 
 talking fast, and as it is necessary for Mrs. 
 Chafferly and myself not only to keep up our 
 own parts, but also to keep our ears open for 
 the slips of others, in order to cover or explain 
 them away as quickly as possible, a terrible 
 strain is inflicted on our nerves. 
 
 Owing to the noise of the conversation and 
 the distant strains of the band which is playing 
 in the next room but one, Miss Sadenham 
 luckily misses some of the worst remarks, whilst 
 others, which she has obviously heard, are more 
 or less successfully dealt with by Mrs. Chafferly 
 or myself. The Baron cannot help us so much 
 when it comes to twisting words out of their 
 meanings. He has enough difficulty with the 
 language without that. But in spite of this he 
 is our main support, as he keeps Miss Sadenham
 
 168 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 interested, and shows a power of invention 
 which can only be termed prodigious. 
 
 I can hear, however, that caution is wearing 
 off and the slips are getting worse. Such 
 phrases as ' Now grind the oats and go steady,' 
 from Miss Dena, and ' Pass the pinky Pop for 
 pale people, Pretty Polly,' from Miss Natalie 
 Blech, though they may be quotations from our 
 most recent musical comedy, are quite out of 
 keeping with the assumed characters of their 
 utterers ; whilst the hopeless confusion of mind 
 both the Miss Tollingtons display in conversa- 
 tion between the S.P.C.A. and the Y.M.C.A. 
 can only be called regrettable. They obviously 
 think that both these societies are branches of 
 the same parent body, and allude to the latter 
 as ' a fair blessing to the donkeys of Cairo.' 
 
 It becomes every moment clearer to me that 
 the deception cannot last much longer, and 
 unless Miss Sadenham can be induced to go 
 away soon we shall be exposed. 
 
 My conviction is, I feel sure, shared by Mrs. 
 Chafferly, judging from her almost despairing 
 expression. 
 
 The only person who enjoys the whole thing 
 thoroughly is Mrs. Fitz, who having got us into 
 this awful mess is now shamelessly amusing 
 herself by drawing out the various members 
 of the company, to their complete discomfort 
 and disgrace and her own infinite entertain- 
 ment. 
 
 Any uncertainty in my mind as to the desira- 
 bility of our bringing our performance to a close
 
 SUPPER PART II 169 
 
 is soon swept away. Miss Sadenham asks the 
 Baron whether it is true that the Arab women 
 are as transcendently beautiful as tradition 
 says, and receives an excellent reply from him, 
 founded on the knowledge he obtained from a 
 child's edition of the Arabian Nights, which he 
 read when he was eight years old. 
 
 Dick Rimington, interested in the conversa- 
 tion, forgets all else, and fixing his eyes reflect- 
 ively on the cornice of the ceiling, remarks : 
 
 ' I had a pal who knew a little Arab Yum 
 once,' and then with an expression of sudden 
 anguish, he continues : c I say, steady on, Mrs. 
 Chaff. You Ve a boatful of floor to yourself, 
 so please keep the Looey Kainzes off the wheat- 
 field.' 
 
 This, I feel, as Dick himself would say, has 
 'torn it,' but the Baron makes one desperate 
 effort to save the situation. 
 
 He quickly, but with no sign of flurry, confides 
 to Miss Sadenham the following veracious facts, 
 viz. that Dick and Mrs. Chaff erly are brother 
 and sister-in-law by her first marriage, and that 
 Rimington himself rose from a very humble 
 position in life by his great qualities and genius. 
 As the Baron expresses it, ' He broomed in the 
 street. He was a street wiper.' 
 
 ' This,' adds the Baron in a half -whisper, 
 'makes him funny talk at whiles, but nevare 
 mind, one must excuse. He is the son of peoples 
 from where he rose,' and so on, all of which 
 Miss Sadenham seems actually to accept or, 
 shall I say, swallow.
 
 170 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 At this moment an inspiration strikes me. 
 Perhaps Miss Sadenham is living at Heluan 
 and is going back there by the last train. The 
 last train, as a matter of cold fact, does not 
 start for nearly an hour. If I could only per- 
 suade her it went earlier ! I will try. It is 
 neck or nothing. 
 
 I say casually but distinctly to Mrs. Tupper, 
 as if the remark formed part of a current con- 
 versation : 
 
 4 1 do think it is really outrageous to change 
 the time of a train in the middle of the month, 
 and I cannot imagine why they have done such 
 a thing. If I lived in Heluan, I should be very 
 much annoyed.' 
 
 4 Did I hear you mention Heluan, Lord 
 Edward ? Might I inquire what you were saying 
 about that place, as I am staying there at 
 present ? ' demands Miss Sadenham. 
 
 4 Oh, only that they have altered the time of 
 the last train from Cairo from two to one- 
 thirty.' 
 
 4 Dear me ! that is most unfortunate, as I am 
 returning by it to-night,' cries Miss Sadenham 
 in alarm. 4 But the porter of the hotel there 
 informed me most distinctly that the time of 
 departure was two.' 
 
 ' Yes, and it was quite natural he should do 
 so. That train has always left at two ever 
 since I can remember, and he probably has not 
 seen the alteration.' 
 
 4 Then, as I have only just sufficient time to 
 reach the station comfortably before the hour
 
 SUPPER PART II 171 
 
 of departure, I am afraid I must go now,' says 
 Miss Sadenham, rising to her feet. 4 Lilian, I 
 must ask you to excuse me.' 
 
 We all rise, and the Baron slips out to see, as 
 he whispers to me, that the porter here does 
 not make any mistakes. 
 
 We all take a formal farewell of Miss Saden- 
 ham, Dick's adieu being a model of awkward 
 pomposity, and she retires with great dignity 
 accompanied by the miserable Bentley, who is 
 trembling lest she should revert to the imaginary 
 story. 
 
 We wait in moderate quiet until the Baron 
 and Bentley return. 
 
 A chorus of 4 Has she gone ? ' bursts out, and 
 on an affirmative answer being received, a gay 
 and riotous scene begins. 
 
 The Baron, tastefully draped in a table-cloth 
 with a napkin tied round his head, is giving us 
 an admirable imitation of our late companion's 
 manner, whilst amid a shower of missiles of 
 various sorts Bentley at the piano thumps out 
 * The Turkish Patrol ' (his only tune), to which 
 melody the words, ' The sad old frump has 
 gone away, has gone away,' etc., are sung by 
 such of the company as are not dancing a war 
 dance in the centre of the room. I have just 
 been shoved up on to a chair with a cracker 
 cap on my head to make a speech, when the 
 door opens, and, horror of horrors ! in walks 
 Miss Sadenham. 
 
 Yes, I dare say it is cowardly, but with one 
 bound I try to get behind the narrow window
 
 172 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 curtain, where I find at least four more of our 
 party who have been struck by the same brilliant 
 idea as myself. The space behind the curtain 
 is sufficient, as they say of the cabs, for not 
 exceeding two, and in the scuffle to crowd in, 
 down comes the curtain with a crash, and we 
 are disclosed holding on to one another in 
 most picturesque attitudes. 
 
 Dick Rimington, who is facing the piano, 
 remains quite unconscious of the disaster, bellow- 
 ing out our c setting ' to ' The Turkish Patrol,' 
 whilst Bentley stolidly thumps the instrument. 
 
 At last, however, Dick looks round, and his 
 voice dies away in a quaver, while Bentley, with 
 more quickness than any one would have given 
 him credit for, dives down behind a sofa. 
 
 Alone the Baron and Mrs. Fitz stand their 
 ground, though they look as if they wished it 
 was any one else's. 
 
 Miss Sadenham glares at the assembled multi- 
 tude with a cold and steely eye. 
 
 ' I returned,' she says, ' for my purse, which 
 I unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, left on 
 the supper table.' 
 
 The Baron, with as much dignity as one can 
 expect from a man whose head is tied up in a 
 napkin and who has a table-cloth pinned to 
 his back, immediately picks up the purse and 
 presents it to Miss Sadenham with a low bow. 
 
 6 Lilian,' says the voice of doom, ' may I ask 
 you to come with me into the hall ? I think 
 you will admit this matter needs explanation,' 
 and out of the room Miss Sadenham stalks,
 
 SUPPER PART II 173 
 
 followed by the unhappy Mrs. Fitz, who rejects 
 all offers of support. 
 
 We look at one another in a rather shame- 
 faced way, until the ludicrous side of the adven- 
 ture strikes us, and we weep with laughter. 
 
 We are just recovering, and have begun to 
 discuss whether a relief column should not be 
 despatched to the aid of Mrs. Fitz, when that 
 lady dances into the room. 
 
 ' She is an old darling and we are all beasts, 5 
 she announces. ' She is not going to say a 
 word about it at home, and we are to go and 
 dine with her on next Monday, and Mr. Riming- 
 ton is to explain everything he says. Isn't she 
 an old trump ? ' 
 
 We join in an appreciative chorus of praise, 
 and a slightly amended version of ' The dear 
 old trump has gone away,' etc., is sung with 
 much spirit ; a final glass is drunk to all our 
 healths, and we go out into the hall. 
 
 As I put Mrs. Fitz into her cloak, she con- 
 fides to me : 
 
 ' It is too awful. Poor Captain Bentley was 
 telling me how lonely his life was, when I burst 
 out laughing. I am sure I shall never be able 
 to explain to him why I laughed, because if I 
 do I must tell him I was not listening to him. 
 
 4 And now don't you think really, Lord Edward, 
 that it was not quite a nice joke to play on an 
 old lady ? Ain't you a little bit sorry you pro- 
 posed it ? I told her I was sure you only meant 
 it in fun, but I don't really think it was quite 
 nice of you,' and then making a face at me like
 
 174 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 a naughty baby, she is into her carriage and 
 away. 
 
 The Baron, with whom I share a cab home, 
 is much pleased with his evening's amusement. 
 
 4 That is, 5 he announces, ' what you call your 
 rags. It is very funny. We will have rags 
 very often together.' 
 
 He drops me at my door soon after uttering 
 this gruesome threat, and I climb wearily up 
 my stairs to bed. 
 
 I hate this going to bed at two I shall be a 
 mere wreck to-morrow. Besides, I have a theory 
 that I cannot sleep after a rowdy evening, 
 especially, I reflect as I get into bed, with the 
 noise of the traffic going on till four or five, as it 
 does in Cairo. Quite impossible to sleep sleep, 
 traffic aughr snorrr !
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 MY DREAM 
 
 IN my sleep I dream a dream. 
 
 Instead of lying in my room in the close, 
 dusty air of Cairo amid the ceaseless, sordid 
 turmoil of the city, I am on the bank of the 
 Great River in the country that I love, the 
 country of the Nile, where it is not yet scattered 
 into branches and canals, but untouched and 
 unguided it flows along between the grim desert 
 hills like the promise of hope in a despairing 
 soul. 
 
 From the shape of the hills I know where I 
 am, but all around me, save their outlines, is 
 changed. 
 
 Magnificent buildings resplendent in colour 
 and tracery fill the places of the desolate ruins 
 of to-day, whilst luxuriant gardens, resonant 
 with the sound of plashing water, occupy the 
 spots we know as dusty wastes. 
 
 I wonder little at the change, as one does in 
 dreams, and look around me with a deadened, 
 listless interest. 
 
 In the distance across the river, I see the 
 peasants tilling their fields with plough and 
 oxen, and the familiar moaning creak of the 
 distant water-wheels strikes clearly on my ear, 
 
 175
 
 176 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 whilst from at hand rise the sounds of music, 
 laughter, and many voices. 
 
 The place on which I stand is a terrace of 
 massive and curiously carved stone-work, over- 
 hanging the very bank of the river. Its decora- 
 tion is of the richest, and its pavement is covered 
 with rich carpets and stuffs of price, the brill- 
 iancy of whose hues vies with the shimmering 
 blue of the mountains and the sky, the glowing 
 yellow of the distant sands, and the rich trans- 
 parent green of the water. 
 
 On the terrace stands, beautifully carved in 
 rare alabaster, a kiosk or summer-house, of which 
 the side towards the river is open. 
 
 In this kiosk, on a raised dais of gleaming 
 silver, is a great divan or sofa covered with 
 tissues of gold and gems, which glitter and shine 
 in the subdued light of the building. 
 
 Many attendants in rich fantastic clothing 
 surround the divan, and on it is seated one whose 
 magnificence outshines that of all the others, as 
 the sun outshines the stars. 
 
 It needs not the majesty of his demeanour, 
 the kingly dress or the great crown of Upper 
 and Lower Egypt, to tell me that I am in the 
 presence of the great monarch, Pharaoh, King 
 of Egypt. 
 
 By his side is a man whose noble presence is 
 scarcely less striking than that of Pharaoh 
 himself, though the half-bent attitude and defer- 
 ential manner show that in the eyes of men 
 he is his inferior and subject. 
 
 Though dressed in the rich clothes of a noble
 
 MY DREAM 177 
 
 of Egypt, the strongly marked features, sad 
 eyes, and heavy lip, make him a man apart 
 from those who stand around him. 
 
 As he speaks, I know that his speech is that 
 of a foreigner, though what tongue he uses I 
 know not. 
 
 His words smite on my ear as they reach me, 
 as if they were of vital importance to me. 
 
 ' Therefore, let not the heart of Pharaoh be 
 troubled for the crying of this people. 
 
 4 Let Pharaoh remember that when it was 
 foretold him that famine would come on this 
 land, Pharaoh stretched forth his hand and 
 took the fifth part of the land and the produce 
 thereof, and this, by the King's command, 
 was stored in the King's storehouse in the 
 charge of the keepers of the storehouses. And 
 when the famine came upon the land and was 
 very grievous in the land, Pharaoh bought the 
 land of Egypt for the bread which he gave from 
 the storehouses wherein he had stored the 
 produce of the land, even of the fifth part of 
 the land of Egypt which Pharaoh had taken 
 into his hand. 
 
 -' From that time forth the people have given 
 to Pharaoh one-fifth of all the produce of the 
 land, and now they cry out, saying, " Give us 
 this also." 
 
 ' But let the King not turn his ear to the 
 foolish crying of his people. 
 
 ' For though this people are as sheep before 
 the King and tremble at his word, they will 
 not regard the morrow nor what it will bring 
 
 M
 
 178 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 forth, neither will they save of the fruit of the 
 earth to put it aside, nor will they keep of their 
 abundance so that in the year of plenty they 
 waste their substance, and in the years of 
 dearth they cry for bread, and so it will ever 
 be with this people. 
 
 ' Now through the might of Pharaoh and 
 through his wisdom, the King's granaries and 
 his storehouses and his barns are full, and if 
 so be that a famine come upon the land, then 
 shall the plenty of years serve the leanness of 
 other years, and this people will eat bread and 
 live and not die. 
 
 ' Therefore let Pharaoh not hearken to this 
 people ; for if the corn were given to them 
 they would surely waste it, and when the famine 
 was upon the land, they would cry for bread, 
 and because there was no bread they would die.' 
 
 As this speech ends, the King makes a sign 
 of his gracious assent, and immediately the 
 scene is obscured by swirling clouds of dark- 
 ness, through which the water-wheels shrill 
 out their monotonous chant ever clearer and 
 louder. 
 
 After a space, the clouds melt, and I find 
 myself in a well-known room in Cairo, where I 
 have so often heard the problems of the Govern- 
 ment of Egypt discussed, and the policy which 
 was to govern her shaped. 
 
 The figure that is sitting in the well-remem- 
 bered attitude at the table makes me start 
 with surprise. Has He come back to help us, or 
 was it merely an evil dream that he ever went ?
 
 MY DREAM 179 
 
 As I wonder how it is, I hear one of those 
 with whom he seems to be conferring say in 
 familiar tones : 
 
 ' To put it shortly, our object is this : To 
 prevent the peasant from squandering in the 
 years in which he does well, and borrowing in 
 the years when he does badly. This, we believe, 
 our proposal will effect. 
 
 4 If you, sir, approve and will support us, 
 we intend to put the machinery we have dis- 
 cussed in motion as soon as possible.' 
 
 The figure gives the quick decided nod of 
 assent I knew so well, and the thick clouds of 
 murky darkness again sweep swirling over the 
 scene, whilst again the song of the water-wheels 
 rises high and clear in the air. 
 
 When the darkness is again disseminated, I 
 am in a stately hall, bare and severe in aspect 
 and simple in its richness. My eyes turn towards 
 the windows, and I see that I am still in Cairo, 
 for through them I see the Mokattam ' red with 
 the blood of the dying sun ' standing out against 
 the azure sky. 
 
 A group of men seated round a table in the 
 centre of the chamber I should take to be 
 negroes from the dusky hue of their faces did 
 not their refined and intellectual features show 
 me that they belong to some race of which I 
 have never even heard before. 
 
 One is speaking in some strange, sweet, liquid 
 tongue to the chief or President of the Council, 
 for so it seems to be. 
 
 ' The matter of thrift has ever been mis-
 
 180 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 managed or neglected in this country. Ignorant 
 and barbaric races have made feeble and abortive 
 attempts to teach the peasant to save and put 
 by, or have devised crude and unpractical 
 schemes to do it for him. 
 
 ' I have already explained that all these 
 efforts were on hopelessly mistaken lines, and 
 even our own measures of reform in this direc- 
 tion have so far met with no great success. 
 
 ' The plan we now propose is, however, on 
 totally new lines, and if adopted, we may safely 
 predict that it will accomplish, in a few months, 
 what others have failed to bring about in cen- 
 turies and millenniums; that is, to teach the 
 peasants of Egypt to be thrifty, and while they 
 are learning, to protect them from the results 
 of their want of forethought.' 
 
 The President signifies his approval amid a 
 hum of applause, and again my view is obscured 
 by darkness. 
 
 The whining notes of the water-wheels sound 
 louder than ever, and have, to my ear, a derisive 
 and defiant ring. As the clouds again part for 
 a minute, I see the peasants at work tilling 
 their fields; and though they are attired differ- 
 ently from those of our time, it seems to me 
 that they are the same people ; and that, except 
 for their dress, the Children of the Nile have 
 neither altered nor changed since the days of 
 Pharaoh, King of Egypt, and Joseph his 
 Minister. 
 
 And so I awoke.
 
 LORD KITCHENER
 
 LORD KITCHENER 
 
 [This sketch w:is being written when Lord Edward Cecil was taken 
 ill of influenza just before he died.] 
 
 I AM writing this whilst nursing a bad lung at the 
 top of a Swiss mountain. I have to hand neither 
 my old letters, portions of diaries, nor other 
 documents which might aid my memory. This 
 is no attempt at more than a sketch from memory 
 of those characteristics of the great man which 
 impressed themselves on me in the personal 
 contact with Lord Kitchener I had the honour 
 to experience. 
 
 I cannot accurately remember when exactly 
 it was that I saw him first. It was at Hatfield, 
 and my father had asked him down. My 
 mother, I think, had never seen him. My father, 
 who had met him in the course of business, was 
 much impressed with him. That I clearly re- 
 member, for my father was not often impressed. 
 
 I remember little of his visit except that he 
 got up at what appeared to me then a godless 
 hour six. The day at Hatfield began at 9.30, 
 if you felt energetic. 
 
 He subsequently came to dine with me on 
 guard. I should like to think I patronised him, 
 but I am pretty sure I did not, as one glance 
 from that eye would have put me back in my 
 proper place. I know I asked him to take me 
 as his A.D.C. some day, and I can only explain 
 
 183
 
 184 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 my temerity by the fact that one drank plenty 
 of champagne on guard in those days. 
 
 I cannot call to mind when I saw him again, 
 but I think it was when he came to London after 
 the incident when the young Khedive insulted 
 him at Haifa. ' Naughty boy, naughty boy ! ' 
 he said, gravely shaking his head. He had very 
 little vindictiveness, and when, years later, I told 
 him how I disliked the Khedive, he could scarcely 
 understand me. The Khedive was not im- 
 portant enough to dislike. He might hate some 
 one who wrecked his plans, and he would even 
 have gone (whatever others might think) very 
 far to remove such an obstacle, but a man who 
 merely insulted him did not seem important. 
 
 If one could say that there was a key to his 
 character, that there was one predominating 
 salient, it was that he thought of the end of the 
 task he had in hand, the fulfilment of what he 
 had set himself or others had set him to do, 
 before much before everything else. Com- 
 fort, affections, personalities, all were quite 
 inferior considerations. The aim before every- 
 thing. He felt he was defrauding the Almighty 
 if he did not carry out his task. This char- 
 acteristic is mentioned by itself because, on its 
 being understood and remembered, .the compre- 
 hension of the character depends. 
 
 When the Nile Expedition of '96 began, I 
 received a telegram offering to take me as A.D.C. 
 I naturally accepted with enthusiasm. It must 
 not be thought that I have or had any illusions 
 as to the reason of his patronage. My father
 
 LORD KITCHENER 185 
 
 was Foreign Secretary and Prime Minister, and 
 it was to please him it was done, and for that 
 reason alone. Lord Cromer was not in favour of 
 a forward Sudan policy, and Kitchener was. 
 My father's support was vital to his whole plan, 
 and I, by reflected light, became of importance. 
 I served with him through the campaign, and 
 cannot truthfully say that I liked him at that 
 period. He was much more uncouth and un- 
 civilised at that time than he was later. He 
 used to have little consideration for any one, 
 and was cassant and rude. He was always 
 inclined to bully his own entourage, as some men 
 are rude to their wives. He was inclined to let 
 off his spleen on those round him. He was often 
 morose and silent for hours together. He was 
 an uncomfortable chief, too, as he never let you 
 know when he was going to do anything. He 
 liked to slip away by himself, but he did not like 
 your letting him do so. He would take his meals 
 at any hour, and after a tiring day in midsummer 
 in the Sudan, the staff might have to wait till 
 ten for their dinner, which maybe was then eaten 
 in solemn silence. His ' nerves ' showed in 
 roughness and harshness, and he was playing a 
 very big game. The War Office, who thought 
 the whole campaign should have been turned 
 over to them, were against him, and would not 
 have been brokenhearted at his failure. Lord 
 Cromer openly disliked the campaign, and took 
 a pessimistic view of the situation ; and Lord 
 Cromer meant not only the Egyptian Govern- 
 ment, with Gorst, who was bitterly opposed to
 
 186 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Kitchener, at its head, but also a large portion 
 of Foreign Office opinion. So it was on my 
 father's support and that of those with him 
 that Kitchener rested. He did not know my 
 father well, nor how far he could be depended on, 
 and he had to fight the campaign with a rope 
 round his neck. If he failed, it was absolute and 
 complete failure ; no whitewashing or glossing 
 over the awkward parts, nothing but failure and 
 a definite end to his career and all the plans then 
 in his head, which, alas ! he never completed 
 the foundation of the Viceroyalty of the Near 
 East and North Africa. 
 
 The points that struck me as a simple onlooker 
 were his aloofness, for he seemed to confide much 
 in no one, and his extraordinary grasp of detail. 
 It was almost true to say there was no depart- 
 ment of the Egyptian Army which he did not 
 know as well as the departmental officials ; and 
 though as a force it was tiny, a small force has 
 just as many, or nearly as many, departments as 
 a large one. 
 
 In his person he was very neat and always 
 scrupulously clean. He tolerated laxity on these 
 points with difficulty. On the other hand, his 
 office was a sea of papers lying on tables, chairs, 
 window-sills, the floor. No one but himself knew 
 where any particular paper or subject was kept 
 or could find anything. He never let any one 
 touch them except Watson, Bailey, if there, and 
 a few others in whom he had confidence. I have 
 heard him ask an officer whom he had sent for not 
 to stand on the Supplies returns.
 
 LORD KITCHENER 187 
 
 He would wander off at that curious stalking 
 stride of his soon after dawn to the railway 
 yard, the embarkation place, the store yards, or 
 whatever interested him for the minute. He 
 saw everything nothing escaped him ; but he 
 officially saw or did not see as much as he chose. 
 Sometimes he seemed to like one with him, but 
 more often he liked to walk ahead, plunged 
 apparently in sombre meditation. He usually 
 got three good hours' work done before break- 
 fast. He worked on then, except for lunch, till 
 six in the evening, when he liked very often to 
 have a gin or vermouth and soda and talk. It 
 was his most human time. He would then go 
 back to work till dinner, which might be at any 
 hour, and went early to his room. Whether he 
 worked habitually at night I don't know, but I 
 often saw his light burning late. 
 
 In mind, from long experience of the East, he 
 was cynical, and inclined to disbelieve that any 
 action sprang from motives other than those of 
 self-interest or rather, he affected to be. He 
 had in reality the greatest confidence in those 
 who were worthy of it, and he was rarely if ever 
 taken in. His cynicism was in a large measure 
 a part of the curious shyness which declined to 
 show any inside portion of his life or mind. He 
 loathed any form of moral or mental undressing. 
 He was even morbidly afraid of showing any 
 feeling or enthusiasm, and he preferred to 
 be misunderstood rather than be suspected of 
 human feeling. Combined with this cynicism 
 and suspicion, partly the result of many years'
 
 188 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Eastern experience, and partly assumed as a 
 cloak for other feelings, was a natural and al- 
 most childlike simplicity, both in his outlook 
 on life and his display of what most of us hide 
 with care. 
 
 He had not a trace of the hypocrite in his com- 
 position, nor even that quality which merges 
 into the hypocrisy of moral decency. If he was 
 going to break the moral law in any way, he said 
 so. He used to shock and surprise the respect- 
 able terribly. This side of his character was 
 naturally misunderstood. It depended on the 
 dominant characteristic I have alluded to. If 
 he wanted subscriptions for an object which he 
 had decided was worthy, he took them or forced 
 them out of people, if they could be got in no other 
 way. If you examined it, he did not go much 
 further than we all do, but he disdained to cover 
 over his proceedings with any coat of obscuring 
 varnish. We all get royal personages to open 
 bazaars because we know it makes the receipts 
 bigger. Lord Kitchener, when he found he had 
 a price, so to speak, as a personage, coolly asked 
 for a subscription to the Gordon College as the 
 price of his being used as a figurehead. In the 
 same way, for his own state and dignity, he 
 needed plate which he could not afford to buy ; 
 instead of sending a roundabout message through 
 three or four people that he would prefer a present 
 of plate to a gold casket when he received the 
 freedom of the city of Barchester, he told the 
 Mayor and Corporation plainly what he wanted. 
 His point was that this or that was, he considered,
 
 LORD KITCHENER 189 
 
 necessary, and the means of obtaining it were of 
 secondary importance. 
 
 Another reason for his apparently surly dis- 
 position at this time was health. His digestion 
 was bad and he suffered from the extreme heat, 
 for in the summer of '96 we were with but little 
 shelter in the hottest place, so it is said on good 
 authority, on the globe. He was also all through 
 his life subject to a most acute form of headache, 
 which naturally did not tend towards geniality. 
 Again, he had to maintain discipline amongst 
 his officers and staff. The British officers of the 
 Egyptian Army were not a very united body at 
 that period. There was a frontier party, by far 
 the largest, which believed in Hunter and did 
 not like Kitchener, whose severity, and the 
 economy he was forced by circumstances and 
 superior authority to insist on, had not tended 
 towards personal popularity. Very outspoken 
 criticism was not uncommon, and a tight hand 
 was needed to keep matters straight. 
 
 We stayed first at Haifa for some time, and 
 then gradually, as the river rose and it was 
 possible to bring up our boats, advanced, till 
 finally we pushed back the dervishes and reached 
 Dongola. It must not be imagined that the 
 sailing was plain. The difficulty of supplying 
 a force of even fifteen thousand men was im- 
 mense ; the only means of communication 
 beyond camels (which then, as ever, died as fast 
 as one could replace them, a camel being as fitted 
 for regular supply transport work as a Bohemian 
 for a domestic life) was a hastily laid railway,
 
 190 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 passing over very difficult country, with appalling 
 gradients and curves, the rolling stock of which 
 largely dated from the time of the Khedive 
 Ismail. Thirty miles of this line were washed 
 away in a night when we had only five days' 
 rations for the whole army. Several of our best 
 boats were much damaged coming through the 
 cataracts, and the north wind was unusually 
 late in starting that year, which made our sailing 
 boats far slower than had been hoped. Cholera 
 broke out, and at one time looked as if it would 
 paralyse the whole operation. 
 
 All through these disasters Kitchener's energy 
 and determination never wavered, though he was 
 querulous about them, with that queer sim- 
 plicity to which I have alluded. He grumbled 
 that he was doing his best, and if the powers 
 above stopped him it was unfair and hard, and 
 so on. The only time he at all broke down was 
 over a matter which was in itself apparently of 
 no really vital importance. We had built a new 
 type of gunboat above the cataracts, and this 
 was both for its practical value, for great things 
 were hoped from its speed and armament, and 
 also because it was in a great measure his own 
 idea the apple of his eye. By straining every 
 nerve it was ready in time for the advance to 
 Dongola, but on its trial trip it blew out a low- 
 pressure cylinder and had to be left behind. 
 
 This accident made him quite miserable, and 
 affected him as accidents of far greater import- 
 ance had not. We dared not speak of the 
 matter for a couple of days, until the new parts
 
 LORD KITCHENER 191 
 
 were on their way up-country. Whether it was 
 merely the proverbial last straw late on in a very 
 hot summer and after many trials had been gone 
 through, or whether he attached some import- 
 ance of which we knew nothing to the presence 
 of this particular boat in the advance, I don't 
 know. It was one of the many points one would 
 have asked him some day on some favourable 
 occasion, but which one will never know now. 
 
 As illustrating how little he knew of my 
 father's character at this time, he remonstrated 
 with me for writing in too cold a style a weekly 
 report I sent him by Kitchener's direction. He 
 gave me as a model a piece of prose he had 
 dictated which would have made the most 
 hardened ink-slinger of the Daily Mail blush. 
 He did not insist when I demurred, but I am sure 
 he was convinced I was wrong. 
 
 When he got back to Cairo, after keeping me 
 in suspense for three days, he let me go back to 
 England, where I met him later. 
 
 I went to Abyssinia in '97, and did not see 
 him again till I joined his staff near Abu Hamed 
 in '98 in the Khartoum Expedition. Though 
 his general characteristics were of course the 
 same, he had already softened a good deal. He 
 felt more sure of his position and backing. His 
 team pulled well together, and everything worked 
 far more smoothly. Transport remained his 
 great difficulty, as the stiffening of the force 
 by a brigade of British had rendered any mis- 
 behaviour on the part of the Egyptian Army 
 more unlikely. We got to the Atbara, proceeded
 
 192 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 up that river to dispose of Mahmud, and then 
 went on by boat for the final stage of the cam- 
 paignthe attack on Khartoum itself. When 
 Omdurman had fallen I had the good luck to go 
 over alone with Lord Kitchener to Khartoum 
 as usual, he took no escort but his orderlies. He 
 was certainly moved by the historical associations, 
 taking trouble to identify the place where 
 Gordon actually fell and that where his body 
 lay unburied. He was, as he always was to the 
 poor, gentle and kind to an old gardener, who 
 came to him weeping, as he thought he would 
 be sent away after fifty years' service, but his 
 mind was really in the future. He was already 
 rebuilding the capital of the Sudan, and his eyes 
 were fixed on the south. The task first before 
 everything the reconquest of the Sudan and 
 its re-establishment was what he really cared 
 for ; and the intense interest of seeing the place 
 to which so much historical and sentimental 
 interest attached could not obscure this even 
 temporarily. 
 
 In course of time we returned to Cairo, and I 
 went home to rejoin my regiment. Lord Kit- 
 chener came home shortly after, and, owing to 
 the mismanagement of the police, had the greatest 
 difficulty in getting away from Victoria Station. 
 He lived, as he usually did when in London, in 
 Pandeli Ralli's house in Belgrave Square, which 
 he temporarily annexed. He was a dangerous 
 man to go and see in London, as, quite regard- 
 less of the fact that you had other things to do, 
 he seized you and set you to work on whatever
 
 LORD KITCHENER 193 
 
 he thought you could do efficiently. Few I was 
 going to say no one, and I am not sure it is not 
 nearer the truth dared refuse ; and the result 
 was that the house was always full of the most 
 heterogeneous elements, grumbling over their 
 servitude, but often, if they had any sense of 
 humour, amused at the situation. A very proper 
 friend of mine spent his time in burning, after 
 seeing there was nothing important in them, 
 the mass of love-letters which descended on 
 Kitchener, and which would have offended 
 him. He placed women on a far higher level than 
 is usual in these days, and it really hurt him to 
 hear or see anything which touched this ideal. 
 Another very sensitive man of great natural 
 politeness spent his time in interviewing the 
 most intimidating people, such as multi- 
 millionaires, corporations, big banks, and firms, 
 to obtain from them contributions to the Gordon 
 College. He used to come back in the evening, 
 looking as if he had been at a disturbed mass 
 meeting, and gloomily wonder what Kitchener 
 would say to the result. 
 
 I saw Kitchener from time to time after this, 
 but not in sufficient intimacy to see anything 
 of his character. I met him for a few hours at 
 Pretoria during the South African campaign, 
 and afterwards from time to time in England, 
 but I was never really close to him again 
 till he came out to Egypt, when a terrified 
 Government were trying to keep him out of the 
 public eye. Whether he was then Inspector- 
 General of the Forces or High Commissioner 
 
 N
 
 194 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 of the Mediterranean, for the moment I forget. 
 But I remember well how, without saying a 
 word or asserting himself in any way, he took 
 charge of us all and we dropped back into our 
 old places. At Khartoum might be seen the 
 curious sight of a Governor-General being severely 
 spoken to by an unofficial traveller, and very 
 frightened the Go vernor- General looked because 
 the alignment of one of the streets had been 
 altered. 
 
 Except casually, I saw no more of him till he 
 came to Egypt again in 1912, when I saw him 
 practically every day until the War broke out in 
 1914. 
 
 I have set down all these details as it is neces- 
 sary to divide any appreciation, however humble, 
 of his character into periods. No man was 
 greater in one respect he never ceased learning. 
 He had none of that almost universal vanity 
 which makes us conceal or slur over what we do 
 not know. When he came to something he did 
 not know, he immediately looked round for 
 some one who did, and if the matter was one 
 with which he saw he would be concerned in the 
 future, he learnt as much as he could about it. 
 
 The Kitchener of 1912 was a genial man of the 
 world, laughing at matters which would have 
 irritated him profoundly in '96. During this 
 time one naturally saw him more closely and 
 under more normal conditions. The stress of 
 a campaign and the magnitude of the immediate 
 stakes temporarily deform the character. You 
 would not say you knew a man, or be able to give
 
 LORD KITCHENER 195 
 
 a good picture of him, if you had only met him 
 at a fire. 
 
 One appreciated more quietly the great 
 qualities of Lord Kitchener when one saw him 
 day by day, as one also became more acutely 
 conscious of the oddities and contrasts of his 
 character. What struck one almost first was 
 the vitality of his mind. He was always doing 
 something, planning something, and something 
 big. He never was for a moment satisfied. No 
 one understood more thoroughly and practically 
 that life is far too short for all you ought to do. 
 His mind was always devising something fresh, 
 some new improvement, some move forward in 
 the path he followed. This continual feeling of 
 hurry was very stimulating, but very tiring. 
 One lived, like the Jules Verne men dosed with 
 oxygen, at a double rate. The mind might be 
 middle-aged, the illusions of youth might be 
 gone and a rough cynicism have taken their 
 place, but the vitality of the young man was un- 
 impairedthere was none of the hesitation or 
 the let-things-take-their course of an old man. 
 
 This energy was sometimes misplaced, and he 
 would assume the personal control of a lot of 
 details which were really not within his province, 
 and which he could not do efficiently. These 
 periods were, as a rule, short, and his inferiors 
 had ever to be ready to pick up the threads 
 where they were dropped. 
 
 The second quality he shared with nearly all 
 first-rate men, and that was the accuracy of his 
 mental perspective. Big things only were big
 
 196 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 to him to quote the criticism on Bright, he went 
 from headland to headland, and left to others 
 the exploration of the bays and creeks between. 
 
 He instantly saw the dangers of the land pro- 
 blem in Egypt, the overcrowding, the land- 
 hunger, the absenteeism, and the inevitable 
 discontent and political trouble that must arise. 
 This led to his enormous drainage and irrigation 
 projects, which had reached twenty-three millions 
 when he left, and would have been nearer forty. 
 He took up a policy like Lord Cromer's of favour- 
 ing the peasants, and constituted himself their 
 protector and friend. He was quite civil to the 
 intellectuals, and entered into any harmless 
 schemes they put forward ; but he was firmly 
 convinced that they were of no importance from 
 a political point of view. 
 
 He was naturally and ever on the side of the 
 weak and the oppressed. No one was perhaps 
 in a sense more dictatorial, but no one was more 
 truly just or had more reverence for the rights of 
 his poorer fellows. The oppression of the fella- 
 heen, and the way in which the half -civilised 
 upper classes of Egypt regard them as little 
 better than animals, stirred Lord Kitchener to 
 the depths of his character. I often used to 
 wonder what the feelings of some of the pashas 
 would have been if they could have seen his real 
 opinion of them in his face.
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL (1905)
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL (1905) 
 
 [At the time these notes were written, Lord Edward Cecil was in 
 the Egyptian Army.] 
 
 ACCORDING to my promise, I write again to tell 
 you the result of the explosion expedition. 
 Unluckily, it was decided to postpone the event 
 until after the British mail had passed through 
 the Canal. In the interval the Suez Canal 
 authorities, who are exclusively foreign, consulted 
 each other and let their minds dwell on the more 
 sombre side of the question. A darker tinge was 
 given to their thoughts by the daily Press, which 
 apparently employed the lineal descendants of 
 Ananias to write up the question ; and finally 
 the Suez Canal Board in Paris sent urgent 
 instructions to them to save as many lives as 
 possible, but to die like men and Frenchmen. 
 
 During this time they communicated frequently 
 with the Native Governor of Port Said, who at 
 first treated the matter in a most philosophical 
 spirit, until they explained to him that probably 
 his town would be wrecked, but in any case it 
 was his duty to be present on the scene of action, 
 as it was in his province. He then not only took 
 a deep interest in the whole question, but firmly 
 announced his intention of remaining in Port 
 Said to calm the terror-stricken populace. 
 
 As we all know, prolonged discussion of a 
 
 199
 
 200 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 subject from a pessimistic point of view only 
 increases depression ; and when your humble 
 servant came on the scene, ' Melancholy had 
 marked them for her own.' 
 
 I was first brought into the matter by being 
 informed by the Prime Minister that the Canal 
 authorities wanted me to furnish a military 
 cordon round the scene of the cataclysm. This 
 appeared to me to be a wise precaution as long 
 as the Egyptian Army were not allowed to meddle 
 with the actual explosives, but hardly as useful 
 in a desert as in a populous country. However, 
 I asked if I was to make my own dispositions or 
 to take my instructions from the Canal author- 
 ities. The answer was that I was to carry out 
 the wishes of the Canal Company, who desired 
 that the cordon should be at least five kilometres 
 from the explosion. A moment's thought 
 showed me that the cordon would have to be 
 thirty kilometres in length, and allowing one man 
 to ten yards, it would take three thousand and 
 odd men, which was rather more than I had in 
 Cairo. But, as I wisely reflected, they would not 
 have any one to stop if they wanted to, and it 
 really did not matter how far apart they were, 
 except for the dullness of the thing. I said I 
 would do as they wished, and after discussing the 
 matter with our only expert, who was once 
 ploughed in a special examination on explosives, 
 we decided that a hundred men would be quite 
 enough to line from the Canal to the nearest sand- 
 hill, and that, following the practice of the man- 
 oeuvres and field-days of our native land, the rest
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 201 
 
 of the cordon should be ' imaginary,' because, un- 
 less the Lost Tribes returned by the way they set 
 out, no one would think of coming in from that 
 part of the desert. Our only danger was that an 
 excited Canal man should take it into his head 
 to inspect the cordon. 
 
 I started the troops off at eleven on Wednesday, 
 as the explosion was fixed for dawn on Thursday, 
 and had them camped for the night on the scene 
 of prospective carnage. I had been for the last 
 few days honoured by various communications 
 from the Governor of Port Said, who seemed to 
 have a vague idea that explosives could be kept 
 in order by the military like a disorderly crowd. 
 He had a strong opinion that I ought to do some- 
 thing vigorous to make the dynamite understand 
 that it could not explode as it liked in the Khe- 
 dive's dominions, but must do so, if at all, 
 decently and in order. I expressed my willing- 
 ness to assist his Excellency in any way in my 
 power, but generally held that this dynamite 
 was essentially civil, being for mining purposes. 
 This was to avoid any suggestion that the 
 Egyptian Army should have anything to do with 
 the matter, as I have explained above. On 
 Wednesday the Governor began to feel more 
 concerned than ever about his poor frightened 
 populace, and suggested that he should come 
 to Cairo to discuss the matter and stop over 
 Thursday morning. After the troops had left 
 for their post, he wired that it had been decided 
 to make the radius of the cordon ten kilometres 
 instead of five, so as to save what we could of our
 
 202 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 troops ; he added that this was on the advice of 
 the great French experts, who had telegraphed 
 from Paris. At first I was annoyed, as it seemed 
 to me to be a half-measure. Why not really play 
 for safety and let the cordon stay in Cairo ? 
 A moment's thought, however, showed me how 
 little it mattered, owing to our great foresight 
 in employing the ' imaginary ' system. Once 
 you accept this great principle, you can make a 
 cordon of any size you like with any number of 
 men. Here we were providing a first-rate cordon 
 of sixty kilometres in length (which would have 
 needed six thousand men at least under the old- 
 fashioned systems) with one hundred men ! It 
 only shows what a lot of nonsense is talked about 
 our War Office when they say that they never 
 invented anything but new buttons. I am sure 
 if the Boers had really grasped that system the 
 war would have been much shorter, but they 
 were stupid folk. So I wired back agreeing 
 cordially with the French experts' idea, and sent 
 telegraphic orders to the Officer in Command to 
 4 imagine ' another thirty kilometres of cordon 
 of the finest description. 
 
 As the O.C. is naturally a truthful man, I 
 thought I had better go down and help him, and 
 also see the explosion. I got there late on 
 Wednesday night, and sent one of our party to 
 find out from the British expert (who had been 
 sent out by Nobel's) what was going to be done. 
 
 He appeared to be in a somewhat irritable 
 condition, as he disliked receiving different orders 
 every hour, and I could see was not at all the man
 
 203 
 
 to be happy under the Canal Company or our 
 War Office, or any really up-to-date body like 
 that. He was the one grim touch in our farce. 
 He knew that the dynamite had, owing to the 
 action of the sea water and some chemical 
 manure which formed part of the cargo, become 
 unstable and dangerous. The least shock might 
 send it off. He had, knowing this, to go and lay 
 two mines in the ship, and connect them by an 
 electric wire with the firing battery. He was 
 confident that the explosion would be very local 
 in its effect, as the high explosives usually are, 
 and in his benighted ignorance put the danger 
 zone down at one mile, at the outside. 
 
 The inhabitants of Port Said disagreed pro- 
 foundly with him : some left for Cairo, some sat 
 on the beach in sort of bomb-proof shelters, and 
 some actually put out to sea. By order of the 
 Canal Company the ships in the harbour were 
 double cabled, and all windows were to be left 
 open, though the actual scene of the explosion 
 was twenty kilometres away. 
 
 On the fatal morning we proceeded to the 
 railway station, where we found the senior 
 officials of the Canal assembled. Only the seniors 
 were allowed to come, on the old Hatfield Station 
 principle that only people of some local import- 
 ance may cross the line in front of an express, 
 and, accompanied by twenty members of the local 
 Press, we got into a special train that was waiting 
 to run us out. I was glad to notice that we took 
 out two ambulance waggons, but the absence of 
 any coffins struck me as evidence of carelessness
 
 204 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 on the part of somebody. The Governor was un- 
 luckily detained by business of importance, which 
 report says he conducted on his face in a cellar. 
 
 On arriving at the scene of action we alighted, 
 and I was pleased to see how well the cordon 
 looked, and quite regretted that they had no one 
 to keep back. In this I was wrong, as I found 
 out afterwards. 
 
 I now devoted myself to answering the various 
 questions of the Canal authorities, which were 
 summed up by the Agent Superieur, who said, 
 ' Then, milor, one can be assured that the mili- 
 tary preparations are complete ? ' I assured 
 him that everything that the most modern 
 science of war could suggest had been done, and 
 we bowed. It was an impressive sight we two 
 great men having our final interview, surrounded 
 by the members of the Press, note-book in hand. 
 I then was interviewed by the remaining Canal 
 authorities in order of seniority, who each drew 
 my attention to some point they wished me to 
 consider, and after replying in suitable terms 
 we bowed. I now decided to cross the Canal, 
 partly to get a better view and partly to avoid 
 an attack of hysterics, of which the premonitory 
 symptoms had begun. I also was developing a 
 severe form of lumbago : punctuating all your 
 remarks by a bow needs a practised back if it is 
 to be done with impunity. 
 
 I got into a small boat and crossed over. The 
 Canal authorities begged me to be quick, and to 
 have the boat removed from the water as soon 
 as I could, as a tidal wave would sweep down
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 205 
 
 the Canal, wrecking all ships, both great and 
 small, in its path. Getting the boat out was a 
 business ; and the Canal Company was nearly 
 a Commissaire-General, or something like that, 
 short over the job, as in his enthusiasm he lent 
 a hand and had the boat deposited on his toe 
 by the willing but clumsy Egyptian privates. 
 He murmured c Sapristi / ' in a tone of deep 
 anguish, and sat down in the Canal, producing 
 a magnificent tidal wave on his own account. 
 We helped him out and bowed, and he bowed, 
 maimed and wet as he was. 
 
 After a breathless period of suspense, en- 
 livened by the French doctor's reminiscences, 
 which might have been entitled ' Operations I 
 Have Performed,' suddenly a great column of 
 vapour shot up into the air and then expanded 
 into a great mushroom, from the edges of which 
 we could see tiny black specks (you must re- 
 member we were six miles off) falling. Through 
 our glasses we could see the waters seething and 
 boiling in an indescribable way at the foot of 
 the huge mushroom. 
 
 We remained listening for what seemed to be 
 an interminable time, and at last we heard a 
 tremendous thud, as if something soft had fallen 
 from a great height. Meanwhile, we had been 
 nerving ourselves for the explosion wind and the 
 tidal wave. We were, so our foreign experts 
 had warned us, to be blown forward on our faces 
 as the air rushed in to fill the vacuum caused 
 by the detonation of the dynamite, and then 
 swept from our sandy bed into the Canal by a
 
 206 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 tidal wave twenty feet high, which would rush 
 down the Canal at the pace of a galloping horse. 
 I had already selected a position where I should 
 not be crushed under the flabby but massive 
 form of one of the Agents Superieurs, but at 
 the same time near enough to him to use him 
 as a life-buoy during the tidal wave part of 
 the programme. The maimed Commissaire re- 
 mained in a prone position in anticipation. He 
 was a kindly man who wished to give as little 
 trouble as possible, even to hurricanes and tidal 
 waves. We waited in constrained attitudes 
 which gradually relaxed as each individual de- 
 cided in his own mind that he was looking a 
 trifle silly, and we attempted to induce the 
 remainder of our fellow-creatures present to 
 believe that we usually looked on at interesting 
 ceremonies with our teeth clenched and our 
 heads bent. It was a beautiful sight to see 
 successive smiles light up those monumental 
 French faces and the natural ruddy hue steal 
 back to the leaden cheeks. It reminded me of a 
 sunrise in the Alps, when peak after peak catches 
 the golden glow. We recrossed the Canal hum- 
 ming little songs in a nonchalant manner, as if 
 we had been waiting for nothing in particular. 
 Launching the boat was difficult to do with 
 dignity, but we let the soldiers do it while we 
 looked at the view, and only turned round when 
 she was in the water. It really was a little hard. 
 If only there had been a gust of wind from any 
 quarter we could have pretended it was the 
 result of the explosion ; if there had been one
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 207 
 
 ripple our faces would have been saved ; but 
 no ! I have never seen in Egypt so absolutely 
 still a day, and the waters of the Canal were 
 as smooth as glass. Once over, things went 
 better, and we mounted the train to be carried 
 nearer to the scene of destruction. I was glad 
 to notice that a tactful railway official had got 
 rid of the hospital car. 
 
 We were prepared for the worst now, and it 
 was lucky. Mile after mile was passed and no 
 sign of the explosion was visible. In fact, until 
 we came within the danger zone according to 
 the despised Briton, the face of nature was un- 
 changed, except where the Canal Company had 
 pulled things down to avoid their being broken. 
 When we did get close there was much to look 
 at, and it was very interesting. Everything was 
 shredded, after the manner of dynamite. It 
 seems to tear things up into small pieces. Great 
 pieces of iron and steel, torn, not broken, lay 
 about in all directions, and the wood was in 
 many cases literally pulped. We spent a most 
 interesting hour there examining the effects of 
 the shock. A mass of earth two hundred feet 
 long by sixty wide had been blown clean out of 
 the solid bank against which the ship had lain, 
 and that earth had disappeared. Where it went 
 to I don't know ; but I suppose it was scattered 
 abroad in small fragments. Great fish were 
 picked up in the desert a hundred yards from 
 the Canal bank, and some of the heavier pieces 
 of iron flew a thousand yards before they came 
 to a standstill.
 
 208 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 On one thing we I mean the British portion 
 of the onlookers congratulated ourselves, and 
 that was that the Entente cordiale had been pre- 
 served unclouded throughout the day. I re- 
 marked on this with much satisfaction to the 
 English head of the railways, who was with us, 
 as we ran up the line in our ' special ' to visit 
 the southern limit of the danger zone. He 
 cordially agreed, when, as we slowed down pre- 
 paratory to stopping at the point where the 
 cordon crossed the line, we heard a terrible 
 sound. There was no mistaking it. It was the 
 voice of a Frenchman hoarse with rage objur- 
 gating some one, and the first words we made 
 out were well, I cannot translate them, but 
 they included the expression sales Anglais. I 
 rushed to the window and beheld a scene far 
 more terrible than any explosion. About twenty 
 yards from the train stood our newest subaltern, 
 who hails from the Far West of Ireland, with his 
 legs apart, with an amused but tolerant smile on 
 his face, and the general attitude and expression 
 of some one passing a few idle minutes by teasing 
 an irritable lap-dog. In front of him, I cannot 
 say stood, as he was never still for one second, 
 the most superieur of all the Agents. He was 
 a very small, very fat and very fussy little man, 
 who had often made me wonder how he contained 
 such an enormous opinion of himself in so small 
 a body. At that moment he was not looking 
 his best. He was a rich crimson with rage and 
 exertion, and he was performing a sort of war 
 dance which, though, as I was subsequently in-
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 209 
 
 formed, it had begun as a sort of lively polka, 
 had now from pure exhaustion degenerated into 
 a kind of negro shuffle. His voice was nearly 
 gone, and it seemed merely a question of seconds 
 before he had a fit. As I scrambled out of the 
 train, I heard my Irish subordinate sum up the 
 case as follows : ' It is no good, monsieur ; I 
 have told you you cannot go through the cordon, 
 and you 're not going ; but if you like dancing in 
 the sun and screaming I shan't stop you.' Here 
 he was cut short by a yell of fury which eclipsed 
 all the previous efforts of the enraged little man. 
 In the background stood a mob of Greeks, half- 
 castes, and natives, who were all jabbering at 
 the top of their voices like a stage crowd. 
 
 I hastened forward, accompanied by my rail- 
 way friend, who in the excitement of the 
 moment began talking fluently in a mixture of 
 French, German, Arabic, and Hindustani. On 
 seeing me, the Frenchman rushed forward and 
 launched a torrent of hoarse whispers at me. 
 He was nearly inaudible, and when he was not, 
 one wished he had been. As far as I followed, 
 he proposed taking the case into the Consular 
 Court, sending for the French Fleet, driving the 
 English into the sea, and shooting my Irishman 
 at seven the next morning. In the midst of the 
 tornado I had time to be thankful that my 
 Milesian did not know a solitary word of French ; 
 as if he had done so we should have probably 
 had to fish the Agent out of the Canal, always 
 supposing that he was not in bits. He (the 
 Frenchman) walked up and down raving, and I
 
 210 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 perspired after him, never getting a word in ; 
 and I began to think we should go on until his 
 fit began or he dropped down from sheer ex- 
 haustion. But at last I remembered being told 
 never to give way to a man in this condition. 
 So I bellowed in my best French : ' It appears, 
 sir, you forget to whom you are speaking.' At 
 first it looked as if my experiment was going to 
 be a failure. He changed from crimson to 
 purple, but luckily he was quite unable to speak. 
 At this juncture a less superieur Agent rushed 
 forward and murmured that I was the Minister. 
 It was not true, and seemed to me an absolutely 
 futile contribution to the conversation ; but I 
 had forgotten a Frenchman's respect for a 
 Minister. By an effort which must have per- 
 manently strained him, he recovered himself, and 
 muttering that I must excuse him, as he was 
 outside himself, he fled into an adjoining hut. 
 After a decent interval I followed, and we made 
 speeches to each other and were very dignified. 
 Keeping in front of the window in order to pre- 
 vent his seeing the culprit, I pointed out that 
 he, the offender, was cut to the heart at the way 
 he had been treated for merely doing his duty 
 and obeying the orders, not of myself, but the 
 Canal Company, etc. I could hear the young 
 ruffian whistling airs from The Little Michus, 
 with variations, and my only hope was the 
 Frenchman would not hear him too. However, 
 all went well, and he admitted that he had mis- 
 understood my officer, which was luckily quite 
 true. The culprit was called in, and shook the
 
 A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 211 
 
 Agent by the hand with a bright smile in which 
 no form of penitence appeared. We then drank 
 weird drinks together, and parted full of mutual 
 esteem and with as many compliments as my 
 exhausted French could put into words. So we 
 fared gaily back to Cairo and agreed, as my 
 Irishman said : ' Rum beggars, those Froggies, 
 but quite decent when you get to know them 
 and they keep their hair on. 5
 
 A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY
 
 A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 
 
 I AM just getting over the effects of a funeral 
 which I attended the other day. 
 
 I received a message from the Governor of 
 Cairo that one Ahmed Izzet, ex-Minister of War, 
 etc., in the year one, was dead, and the funeral 
 was at four. 
 
 I cursed heartily, but I felt I ought to go, with 
 which all my subordinates, who had received no 
 invitation, cordially agreed. 
 
 It was literally the hottest day of the year 
 108 degrees in the shade ; but I, with heroic 
 courage, put on a frock-coat (black, but the only 
 one I have), and a tarboosh, and arming myself 
 with a large green-and-white umbrella, pro- 
 ceeded to the house of deceased at 3.45. 
 
 It is the custom on these occasions to sit 
 round a room in the house of the defunct for 
 some time before the funeral actually begins, 
 and (nominally) discuss the good qualities of the 
 deceased, the shortness of life, and other cheer- 
 ing topics. 
 
 When I arrived, already, saving your presence, 
 dripping, I was ushered into a tent (instead of 
 the usual room) which had been pitched in the 
 gentleman's garden, and on which the sun beat 
 
 215
 
 216 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 fiercely. From mere force of habit I very nearly 
 undressed and asked for a towel, as the tempera- 
 ture was that of a Turkish bath. 
 
 I was installed in a nice ' cool ' red plush 
 arm-chair with yellow tassels and gold braid. I 
 wanted badly to put up an umbrella, but I felt 
 even the high position of a Financial Adviser, 
 combined with the well-known lunacy of my race, 
 would scarcely have protected me from ridicule. 
 
 I looked round on the company and found I 
 was the only European. On my left was an 
 official representing H.H. in an even gayer and 
 hotter arm-chair than mine ; and on the other 
 side an old gentleman who has indefinite claims 
 on the Government for a large pension. 
 
 The official, who is, I think, the greatest rogue 
 but three in all Egypt, is an old enemy of mine, 
 so the conversation was rather sparse on that 
 side, whilst on the other I heard again the purely 
 imaginary story of my old claimant. As a work 
 of fiction it was admirable, but very complicated 
 to follow and containing things one does not like 
 to think about on a hot day, such as, if a man's 
 service begins according to his story at a date 
 when you know he was only two years old, is it 
 likely that he was, as stated at that time, the 
 most trusted Inspector of Customs ? or can one 
 by an effort believe that he was dismissed from 
 the service by a series of plots which were carried 
 on by all the high officials of the Government, 
 with Lord Cromer's assistance and the counte- 
 nance of all the judges of the Mixed Court ? or 
 to say that he stole was a lie, for there was nothing
 
 A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 217 
 
 to steal, and he replaced it on the next day, 
 when the accounts were found correct, but his 
 chief stole largely. 
 
 I bore it and they bored me. (Joke.) 
 
 After the usual twenty minutes I began to feel 
 uncharitable towards the family for not going 
 on with the funeral. What were my feelings 
 when the official explained that at the last 
 moment it was decided to give the deceased a 
 military funeral, and a battalion and a gun- 
 carriage had been sent for ! 
 
 Of course, I knew what that meant. We sat 
 for one hour and a quarter waiting in that tem- 
 perature. As it is Ramadan the natives were 
 all fasting, and felt the heat even more than I 
 did. 
 
 After a time, when the conversation did turn 
 on the deceased, it was not at all complimentary, 
 and the official, who, except for low cunning, has 
 few intellectual qualities, said that this man 
 always mismanaged everything, alluding, I sup- 
 pose, to his dying during Ramadan, or mis- 
 managing his own funeral, which I thought hard. 
 
 At last the welcome sound of English blas- 
 phemy in the street announced the arrival of 
 two British officers followed by a semi-mutinous 
 battalion which looked as if it had dressed en 
 route. But no gun-carriage. This apparently 
 had been ordered still later. 
 
 We waited on, and I amused myself by nod- 
 ding and smiling to various extreme nationalists 
 who were glaring at me from the other side of 
 the tent. It is an amusing pastime, as_ their
 
 218 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 friends immediately edge away from them be- 
 lieving they are spies. I made one man so 
 miserable by my cordiality that he got up on the 
 plea of illness and left. I caught him at the 
 door and thanked him for his services, and he 
 has been, I believe, explaining it away ever since, 
 but he will never get them to believe it was my 
 form of humour. 
 
 Even this soon palled ; and, besides that, I 
 felt that by continued deliquescence I was like 
 a Boojum Snark vanishing away. 
 
 The official, who for the last ten minutes had 
 been interspersing deep groans of heat and 
 exhaustion with Arabic oaths of a most unsuit- 
 able nature, looked at his watch. From crimson 
 he became black. ' My dinner,' he gasped, 4 1 
 shall be late for my dinner.' And, rising to his 
 feet, he announced that the deceased must be 
 carried to the cemetery on men's shoulders, as 
 the gun-carriage, it might be by the will of 
 Allah, would never come. A sound nearly re- 
 sembling a cheer arose from the mourners, and 
 in a jiffy the deceased, slung on two broom 
 handles and a clothes prop, started down the 
 road to the solemn strains of the Funeral March 
 (imperfectly executed in rather quick time be- 
 cause we were late). 
 
 The official and I at the head of a motley 
 crowd of exhausted mourners followed through 
 the stinks and dust of old Cairo. 
 
 The official, recovering his self-importance, 
 which I really believe is larger than his waist- 
 coat, kept on marshalling the procession and
 
 A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 219 
 
 sending advice to the military officers on how 
 military funerals should be run. 
 
 The messengers he sent returned with the air 
 of men who had seen affliction. 
 
 I myself had wisely avoided speaking to the 
 British commandant, and I am sure if the 
 Pasha had heard how his messengers were re- 
 ceived, he would have reserved his advice for 
 another and cooler season. 
 
 His Excellency, full of military ardour, now 
 made a frantic effort to keep step to the music, 
 giving a sort of little hop whenever he thought 
 he was out of step, which averaged out at about 
 once in four steps. The unsophisticated mourners 
 thought, I suppose, that this was part of the 
 ceremonial of a military funeral, and religiously 
 imitated him. I only looked back once, as after 
 that I dared not, for fear of disgracing myself 
 and hurting people's feelings, but I shall never 
 forget that fat and superheated body of men 
 hopping gravely down that sun-scorched road 
 with agony written on every feature of their 
 broad but expressive countenances. 
 
 Another incident occurred which again nearly 
 destroyed my character. 
 
 An aged Mullah or Turkish priest announced 
 that he wished to carry the deceased. He 
 meant, poor old man, to lay his hand on one of 
 the broom handles in a ceremonial way. 
 
 Not so was it understood by the dirty and 
 perspiring gardener who had been pressed into 
 the service. He quickly placed the handle on 
 the old man's shoulder, who immediately sub-
 
 220 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 sided into the roadway and was carried home, 
 whilst I and the official rushed forward just in 
 time to save a catastrophe. 
 
 The official, in tones which pierced the music, 
 announced his opinion of the gardener and his 
 family, and amid murmurs of applause from the 
 mourners resumed his hopping with moody 
 determination. 
 
 We then mercifully arrived at the Mosque, 
 where, according to custom, I left them.
 
 AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE, 1916
 
 AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE, 1916 
 
 January 1st. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 101. Greek Prime Minister wishes to im- 
 port grain. Can you do this ? 
 January 4>th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 416. Your 101 not understood. Where 
 does he want to import ? Is it into Egypt ? 
 January 8th. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 103. Greek Prime Minister wishes to import 
 grain into Greece. Can you do this ? 
 January \\th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 420. Your 103. We have done it several 
 times. 
 January 12th. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 108. Regret copy mislaid. What is gist of 
 my 103 ? If possible, repeat. 
 January \&th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 Regret copy of your 103 mislaid here. Be- 
 lieve it concerned Greek Prime Minister. 
 January IQth. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 108. Greek Prime Minister wishes to im- 
 port grain into Greece. Can you do this ? 
 January 19th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 428. Your 108. We have imported grain 
 into Greece several times. It was believed to 
 go to the German Army. 
 
 223
 
 224 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 January 22nd. P.O. to Cairo. 
 
 112. Your 428. If you import grain to 
 Greek Prime Minister, can you suggest measures 
 to prevent its reaching the German Army ? 
 Would Prime Minister's personal guarantee be 
 sufficient ? 
 
 January 24<th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 430. Your 112. Which Prime Minister's 
 guarantee do you suggest ? Prefer M. Briand, 
 if still in office. 
 
 January 27th. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 114. Your 430. We alluded to Greek 
 Prime Minister. Please let me have your views 
 as soon as possible, as matter is urgent and 
 delay to be avoided. 
 
 February 8th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 435. Your 114. To avoid delay, suggest 
 the personal guarantee in writing of Greek 
 Prime Minister countersigned by British Consul 
 at Piraeus, with documentary assent of British 
 Government and approval Director General 
 Customs Administration, Alexandria. 
 
 February Wth. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 118. Your 435. Have agreed to accept 
 joint and several guarantee of King of Greece, 
 Archimandrite and Greek Prime Minister, 
 countersigned by leading British merchant at 
 Piraeus, Mr. Carl Sonnenschein. How much 
 can you send ? 
 
 February 13th. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 440. Your 118. Will reply as soon as pos- 
 sible, but some delay inevitable, as uncertain 
 what Department of the Egyptian Govern-
 
 AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE 225 
 
 ment deals with these questions. Have so far 
 unsuccessfully inquired of Main Drainage, 
 Public Instruction, War Office, Agriculture, 
 Public Works and Wakf. Will wire again later. 
 
 March 23rd. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 150. Regret delay answering your 118. 
 Matter very complicated. Your 487. Naval 
 authorities object export of seed, as many 
 seeds contain oil suitable for submarines. Can 
 you arrange with Admiralty ? 
 
 March 26th. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 495. Your 150. Have arranged with Ad- 
 miralty. Seed will be escorted by two de- 
 stroyers. 
 
 March 28th. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 499. My 495. Have ascertained seed ques- 
 tion less important than at first considered. 
 Greek Prime Minister has written explaining 
 seed is needed for his favourite parrot, who is 
 of great age and delicate. Two pounds of 
 selected seed will be sufficient. Please obtain 
 and send. Admiralty consider escort unneces- 
 sary under circumstances. 
 
 March 3lst. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 161. Your 499. Am obtaining seed at 
 once. Can you inform me of approximate size 
 of parrot, as understand from inquiries that 
 there is a direct relation between size of birds 
 and size of food seeds ? 
 
 April 7th. F.O. to Cairo. 
 
 506. Your 161. Stop seed. 
 
 April Sth. Cairo to F.O. 
 
 165, Your 506. Seed stopped.
 
 226 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 April 12th. P.O. to Cairo. 
 
 510. Your 165. As information has 
 reached me that the Greek Prime Minister's 
 parrot died last week of indigestion, no further 
 action in matter is necessary.
 
 GOING ON LEAVE
 
 CHAPTER I 
 PRELIMINARY 
 
 THANK goodness nowadays nearly all we Anglo- 
 Egyptian officials get our leave every year. 
 
 The old Indian anti-annual-leave school are 
 happily nearly extinct. I believe that they 
 thought that no one ought to have any leave, 
 merely because they were in their long past 
 and misspent youths so unpopular at home, 
 that they were forced to stay for ten or fifteen 
 years on a stretch out of England. At one 
 time they were painfully influential, but luckily 
 for us the Government doctors took a very 
 strong and altruistic line about the question, 
 prophesying the most ghastly results, personal 
 and departmental, if annual leave was not 
 freely granted to all, including themselves. So 
 it has now become the fashion in Government 
 circles to say that it does not pay in the long 
 run to take no leave. If you don't, it will come 
 home to roost one day, and will find you out 
 later on, and other cryptic and mysterious 
 sayings, obviously depreciatory of the no or 
 rare leave system. It is true that old Blatherly, 
 the P.M.O. of the Egyptian Army, did tell me 
 that the year when he did not go on leave his 
 
 229
 
 230 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 work was indifferent, but he is an optimist, 
 and besides I don't think that he was really 
 trying to support the old anti-leave theory. 
 Jenkins, our principal hygienic authority, who 
 is incidentally a crank and lives on parrot food, 
 will, on the other hand, tell you, if you can bear 
 it, that the year when, according to his own 
 account, he simply could not be spared from his 
 work and had to stay here, he had a curious 
 swimming sensation in the head, and lost his 
 appetite so completely that even a Carlsbad 
 rusk did not tempt him, and stewed prunes 
 excited no enthusiasm in his jaded internal 
 organisation. 
 
 Though, as I have said, going on leave is now 
 quite the correct thing to do from the earnest 
 official's point of view, still we like to profess 
 that we do it rather for reasons of health, and 
 for the public good, than because of any per- 
 sonal predilection on our part. We, therefore, 
 according to our temperaments and the extent 
 to which we have adopted Egyptian ideas of 
 truth, advance in public various reasons why, 
 though we ourselves don't particularly want to 
 go to Europe, we are practically obliged to 
 do so. 
 
 Jones, who, by years of carefully graduated 
 incompetence, has got himself placed on a nice 
 warm shelf with practically no duties and a 
 comfortable salary, finds leave necessary to 
 relieve his brain from overstrain, and to enable 
 him to accomplish the strenuous tasks of his 
 official life.
 
 PRELIMINARY 231 
 
 Alfort informs us that he positively must 
 go, as he has to look after his grandmother's 
 affairs, which, it is believed by the profane, 
 he does by ascertaining if the old lady's will is 
 still in an unaltered condition, and in the tea 
 caddy in which she, being eccentric, insists on 
 keeping it. 
 
 Capperly deplores the necessity of going, but 
 points out he must personally select the British 
 recruits for the Department to which he belongs. 
 It is hard to believe that this can take the whole 
 of the three months, as the usual number selected 
 is one in every two years. Certainly the people 
 I have occasionally met him with in London 
 and elsewhere, though most prepossessing in 
 many ways, do not look like candidates for 
 the service, and I should say are obviously 
 unfitted, apart from the sex question, for a 
 serious career. 
 
 That Maunders goes home solely to see his 
 wife no one who knows either him or her attempts 
 to believe ; but many are convinced that Harper 
 only leaves Egypt after, according to his own 
 account, a moving scene with his physician, 
 who is also an old friend, and who apparently 
 invariably makes this annual statement : ' My 
 dear fellow, if you don't go at once I am not 
 responsible for what may occur. Your condi- 
 tion is, I am bound to tell you, one which gives 
 me much anxiety.' It is most self-denying of 
 the doctor to say all this, as H. is a regular and 
 reliable source of income to him whilst he is in 
 the country, but then I expect, on the other
 
 232 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 hand, he is a very trying patient. Constantly 
 prescribing for a man who is as strong as a 
 horse and who would never have a day's ill- 
 ness in his life if he could be persuaded that he 
 had a stomach and not a destructor inside him, 
 must be wearisome work. Anyhow, Harper, 
 laden with medicine bottles, goes off to a cure, 
 where he places himself under a noted German 
 specialist, who tells him in confidence (as we 
 hear later) that he, Harper, is only just in time. 
 What for, we have never found out, but I suspect 
 it is meals, which I am bound to say H. faces 
 bravely and punctually, no matter how near 
 he thinks he is to death's door. 
 
 Bagley, on the other hand, we are led to believe, 
 does not consult his doctor. He does not 
 believe in 'em. He knows, 4 My dear boy,' 
 when you get that heavy muzzy feeling in the 
 head of an evening, that feeling of repletion 
 after your meals, and that quick, laboured breath 
 after running, it is time to be off if you don't 
 want to snuff out like poor Tommy Muddly and 
 old Simpson, whom he personally repeatedly 
 warned, but they would not listen, and there 
 it is. 
 
 Lamberly, as he has often confided to me, 
 would not think himself justified in taking 
 leave if it did not enable him to study on the 
 spot matters which are of the deepest import- 
 ance to his Department. This means the ques- 
 tion of water supply, in which he has specialised. 
 Not only does he travel all over Europe at 
 Government expense to look at waterworks,
 
 PRELIMINARY 233 
 
 but obtains I don't know how much extra leave 
 to do so. Not content with thus meanly taking 
 advantage of his position, he produces on his 
 return a horrible report in his best style of 
 dreariness, which we all have to read and write 
 minutes about. It is impossible to conceive 
 how dry water can be until you have seen it 
 treated by Lamberly. His last effort occupied 
 112 pages of type, and the things we wrote and 
 said about it were naturally very bitter. So 
 bitter indeed, that we christened the docu- 
 ment ' Marah,' and, of course, some one told 
 Lamberly. Even then the joke fell flat, as 
 Lamberly confided to me, in his most pompous 
 way, that he saw no fun in calling a serious 
 Government question by a woman's name. 
 
 Whatever reason we may put forward for 
 taking or not taking leave, the fact remains 
 that it constitutes the great event of the year, 
 the time when the curse of Adam is lightened 
 and when we, the sons of superheated toil, 
 are temporarily free. For most of those who 
 live abroad leave is almost as important as 
 one's holidays were in one's schooldays. 
 
 As it is so important an event, it naturally 
 is the subject of much conversation and dis- 
 cussion. We ask about each other's plans in 
 order that if we wait quite patiently we may 
 get a chance of talking of our own. There are 
 so many points to be discussed. In the first 
 place, there is the question of whether you 
 prefer second or first leave. Do you prefer the 
 soft enervating warmth of the autumn to the
 
 234 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 dry, fierce heat of the early summer ? Do you 
 want to see your friends in London and ' do ' 
 the Derby and Ascot, or do you want to shoot 
 in August and September ? Then are you going 
 straight to England, or are you going to stop 
 en route ? Has Monte Carlo or Paris in the 
 off-season any attraction for you ? Do you 
 wish to improve your mind with travel ? Does 
 scenery or sight-seeing, nature or art, appeal to 
 you the most ? 
 
 Then the actual route has to be considered, 
 and on this we have very strong opinions. Some 
 people will not go by a German boat, and 
 many more by a P. & O. Every person 
 who has been out here for some time has a 
 favourite line and will defend it hotly against all 
 comers. 
 
 Of course the question of expense comes in, 
 but this needs treating with delicacy, as we do 
 not obtrude our poverty on one another except 
 in a dashing sort of man-of-the-world way, 
 nor do we allude to the cost being a principal 
 consideration unless we are married and senior 
 and wish to impress the world with our steadi- 
 ness and forethought. It is quaint that men 
 are almost as shy of admitting poverty as 
 cowardice, and in both cases only he who is 
 above suspicion can afford to say what he really 
 feels and thinks. 
 
 So we gloss over these sordid considerations, 
 and our young bloods (for we have young 
 bloods) talk of ' dropping in at Monte ' or ' giving 
 Paris a chance,' whilst graver spirits argue on
 
 PRELIMINARY 235 
 
 the relative interest of the views in Switzerland 
 and the picture galleries of Italy. Great meet- 
 ings in town, too, to see the theatres, and else- 
 where for golf or what not, are arranged. It is 
 strange that people who live all the rest of the 
 year together in a narrow society should like 
 to forgather on leave, but so it is. Perhaps 
 some of us who have been long abroad feel a 
 little 4 out of it ' at home, and like to meet 
 others in the same position. Officials, unlike 
 prophets, have but little honour out of their 
 own country. 
 
 Such is the train of thought into which I 
 have fallen on a superb evening in the month of 
 April when walking up to the club to dinner. 
 It was started by my receiving a somewhat 
 curt note from my chief to the effect that he 
 has no objection to my starting on leave to- 
 morrow, but that he hopes that this year (under- 
 lined) I have arranged for my work being carried 
 out in my absence. I hate innuendo, and pity 
 and despise a man who cannot give save in a 
 reluctant and grudging spirit. 
 
 During the hot weather we dine on the terrace 
 of the club, which is cool but not perhaps an 
 ideal spot for the purpose. It is bounded, as 
 they say in the geography books, on the north 
 by a Coptic school, a fine old-fashioned institu- 
 tion with, as one cannot help noticing, a mediaeval 
 system of drainage. On the east stands a Jewish 
 synagogue, which is a miracle of ugliness ; it 
 was designed apparently by one of H. G. Wells's 
 Martians, who had become converted to the
 
 236 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 art nouveau school. It has a heavy, massive 
 appearance, with queer twisted windows in un- 
 expected places, and it is further disfigured by 
 an irritatingly unsymmetrical scheme of decora- 
 tion. And as on the south side you have one 
 of the noisiest streets in Cairo, you have, before 
 you sit down to dinner, three of your senses 
 wholesomely mortified, whilst the dinner itself 
 is of a nature to discourage any tendency to 
 deify one's stomach. An Englishman will eat 
 anything if it is served hot, there is plenty of 
 it, and he is sure he knows what it is. The 
 fear that a designing foreigner may one day 
 make him unknowingly eat a cat is still 
 present in some form or another in most British 
 minds. 
 
 One dines at our club, as at most other clubs, 
 at small tables, but, for some reason I never 
 have been able to fathom, there are no tables 
 for one, and very few for two. If you come in 
 at all late you are forced to dine at a table for 
 four. This makes it necessary to sit down, so 
 to speak, warily. If you hurry on to the terrace 
 without thinking, you will find yourself irresist- 
 ibly impelled by some malign influence towards 
 a table at which are sitting the greatest bore in 
 Africa and your two most devoted enemies in 
 Cairo, and you will have a purgatorial dinner. 
 When bitter experience has taught you to be 
 more careful, you will reconnoitre the tables 
 before emerging from the doorway. One tries 
 to do this as unobtrusively as possible, but it 
 is an awkward business. You attempt to do it
 
 PRELIMINARY 287 
 
 with an air of being only too pleased to sit any- 
 where, but such a choice of agreeable company 
 in front of you makes it hard to decide which 
 seat one prefers. I hope I do it nicely, but I 
 know other members have the appearance of 
 discontented customers at the fishmonger's, and 
 you fancy you can hear them say : ' A very poor 
 lot to-day.' 
 
 Luckily to-night I have very little difficulty 
 in making my choice, for opposite me is a table 
 at which are seated Tommy Dorimer, Harbutt, 
 and Blazeley. Tommy is one of my most in- 
 timate friends, and the other two are both good 
 fellows and tolerable company. 
 
 Tommy has had a life of varied experiences, 
 and has served both in Egypt and the Sudan, 
 besides many other even less-sought-after parts 
 of the world. He has been in many places and 
 has learned much, but has the grace to keep this 
 to himself. He is youthful in appearance, and 
 rather particular as to his clothes. He has the 
 distinction of being one of the very few men 
 out here who do not take themselves or the 
 country too seriously, and who realise that it is 
 in reality a huge joke or series of jokes, not all 
 perhaps in the best taste, but very humorous 
 nevertheless. It is not, as some falsely hold, a 
 corner of the Empire inhabited by future pro- 
 consuls and the grateful people they govern (as 
 if any one ever did like being governed !), but an 
 enormous and unending opera bouffe. Tommy 
 and I, in days that were much earlier, began to 
 write one on the subject, but we had to stop
 
 238 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 because we tried to introduce incidents from real 
 life and made it too scandalous. I think we 
 completed the first act, because I know it ended 
 with Tommy's Ministers' Song (with dance), of 
 which the refrain ran : 
 
 ' And every one of them has to pay, 
 
 Pay, pay, pay, pay, 
 
 Whatever they want and whatever they say, 
 Yes, yea, yea, yea.' 
 
 It was a brilliant work, but just a trifle too 
 dangerous to go on with. 
 
 Harbutt is a tall, old young man, with dark 
 curling hair (which usually wants cutting), 
 clear-cut features and an eye-glass which he 
 drops when he wants to see. He is rather 
 depressingly cultured, and is particularly weari- 
 some on Saracenic art, which I am sure he must 
 really know a great deal about, or he could not 
 make it so hopelessly uninteresting. 
 
 Blazeley, on the other hand, is a short, sturdy 
 young man, with a sun-reddened face and 
 straight, plastered-down, sandy hair. He is a 
 budding pundit, and will, unless he checks 
 himself in time, become an authority on the 
 country and do a great deal of harm later on. 
 'He is already supposed to know more about a 
 particular district of Upper Egypt than a respect- 
 able man should do, and alas ! he disseminates 
 his knowledge gratis to his suffering brother 
 officials. 
 
 As I sit down, Blazeley is just finishing an 
 anecdote. This pleases me, as I feel as if there 
 was one less of them in the world. Tommy,
 
 PRELIMINARY 289 
 
 however, is possessed to-night, as he frequently 
 is, by a mischievous devil, so he says, ' How 
 very interesting ! Do tell that to C., Blazeley ' ; 
 and I, of course, have to say, ' Please do,' 
 which I do about as cordially as one assents to 
 one's dentist's unwarranted assumption that 
 you won't mind if he hurts you a little. 
 
 ' Oh,' says Blazeley, ' it is not much of a story 
 really, only rather characteristic of the place, 
 that 's all. It would not interest any one who 
 did not know the country, but I 'm sure you 
 will like it, sir. I was up at Fareshein the 
 other day, and I happened to be talking to old 
 Mahmud Suleiman the Omdeh don't know if 
 you know him. He is rather a fine old bird, 
 and a pretty knowing one, too. He says devilish 
 good things sometimes. Well, we got talking 
 about dogs I really don't know how, but 
 we did anyhow and he said to me, " Do you 
 see that dog ? " pointing to a great beast of a 
 pariah you know, one of those big, ugly, yellow 
 devils and I said, a string of Arabic, meaning 
 " Yes, O Omdeh, I see that dog." " Well," he 
 says, "he is the worst dog in the village ill- 
 tempered, savage, and without manners." I 
 said, " O Omdeh, that I can well believe." 
 " Do you know what I say of him, Excellency 
 of an Inspector ? " says he. I said, " No " ; 
 and then the old boy smiles, and says, " I say 
 that he is the worst dog here, but in other 
 villages he might be the best." Rather good, 
 wasn't it ? ' 
 
 ' Awfully good,' says Tommy. ' Sounds even
 
 240 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 better the second time one hears it. Both wise 
 and in a way witty, too.' 
 
 ' Yes,' says the unconscious Blazeley. ' But 
 you know they are very witty in their own 
 way, and jolly wise too.' 
 
 4 Quite so,' says Tommy ; ' I used not to think 
 so, as I was prejudiced against them at first, 
 but a few sayings like the one you have just 
 repeated convinced me that there is much more 
 in them than meets the eye.' 
 
 4 Perhaps so,' says Harbutt, 4 but I confess 
 that their total lack of refinement is utterly 
 repugnant to me.' 
 
 4 Quite true,' admits Tommy, 4 and that is 
 just where they differ so much from other 
 peasants who, I think, all have a strong innate 
 sense of beauty.' 
 
 4 Indeed, that is true,' agrees Harbutt, 4 and 
 though naturally the contemplation of Nature 
 can never produce the same degree of refine- 
 ment as the intelligent study of art, still it must 
 and does have its effect in every country save 
 this.' 
 
 4 Oh, of course, they are not artistic,' says 
 Blazeley, with some contempt. 4 1 never said 
 they were. They have not time for that sort 
 of thing.' 
 
 I see Harbutt's hackles rising, and that we 
 are on the verge of the deepest abyss into which 
 a conversation can fall a heated argument. 
 So in order to turn the conversation I ask 
 Tommy, who is travelling by the same boat 
 as I am, if he has finished his packing. This,
 
 PRELIMINARY 241 
 
 it is true, leads the conversation away from the 
 value of art as a refining influence, but not 
 in a very fortunate direction, for it appears that 
 the leave prospects of both Harbutt and Blazeley 
 are very gloomy, and that they both have a 
 grievance on the subject. So far their cases are 
 alike, but only up to this point. Harbutt, owing 
 to Algar walking backwards in order to get a 
 better view of his new house and unintentionally 
 descending head first into a dry well, was called 
 back from Florence, where he had just arrived 
 and made a special arrangement for his stay 
 at a little-known and artist-frequented pension. 
 Blazeley, on the other hand, had after three 
 years without leave applied for and been 
 granted it. It was, however, cancelled at 
 the last moment owing to Sopely, who has 
 been always justly unpopular, coming unex- 
 pectedly into five thousand a year and resign- 
 ing on the spot. 
 
 We try to smooth things over by abusing 
 Sopely. Harbutt, generously forgetting his own 
 troubles, leads off by saying that it was very 
 inconsiderate. Tommy pronounces it to be a 
 rotten thing to do. I go as far as to say it was 
 scarcely fair, and Blazeley himself declares it to 
 be unsportsmanlike, which finally damns Sopely, 
 whose sporting tendencies, it may be incidentally 
 remarked, have at no time of his life risen 
 higher than a mild satisfaction in killing flies 
 on a window pane. 
 
 We then, led by Blazeley, who wishes, so to 
 speak, to return Harbutt's compliment, con- 
 
 Q
 
 242 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 dole with Harbutt on his personal misfortunes, 
 with some remarks on the uncertainty of human 
 affairs and the impossibility of foretelling the 
 future. We do all agree that it was a very 
 stupid thing for Algar to do, as he probably 
 thinks himself. Harbutt, however, all but ex- 
 tinguishes our growing postprandial sympathy 
 by saying that he would not mind so much were 
 it not for missing his annual intellectual bath, 
 and showing signs of wanting to quote Italian 
 poetry, which tendency is mercifully checked by 
 the base and coarse suggestion from Blazeley, 
 that a feminine personality has something to do 
 with his regrets, or, as he more tersely puts it, 
 he expects there is a little bit of skirt in it some- 
 where. This pains and annoys Harbutt, and 
 nearly leads to recriminations. The conver- 
 sation then falls, as I feared it would, into 
 two I listening perforce to Blazeley's views on 
 the condition of the peasants of Upper Egypt, 
 which I have heard several times before and 
 never agreed with, and Tommy being the re- 
 cipient of Harbutt's ideas as to the position of 
 woman in the life of the cultivated and artistic, 
 which is apparently a cross between a stimulant 
 and a poison. Something, as Tommy says 
 afterwards, like bad whisky. 
 
 Maddened by the wearisome iteration of anti- 
 quated fallacies, as Harbutt once said when 
 describing a row he had with his servant about 
 boot polish, I again remind Tommy of his pack- 
 ing, and we leave the dinner table. Refusing 
 with enthusiasm a rubber of bridge with Colonel
 
 PRELIMINARY 243 
 
 Shuffler (retired) and a visit to a music hall 
 with Rafnngton, who assures us, by way of in- 
 ducement, that the performance ought to be, 
 and will be, suppressed by the police on grounds 
 of propriety, we descend the steps into the 
 odoriferous street and drive home.
 
 CHAPTER II 
 PACKING, ETC. 
 
 WHEN I have said good-night to Tommy and 
 ascended to my flat, I am confronted with an 
 imposing array of locked and strapped boxes 
 and bags in a plethoric condition. It appears 
 from this, that Suleiman the Untruthful (to dis- 
 tinguish him from the Wise, the Magnificent, 
 and other minor historical characters) has com- 
 pleted, or thinks he has completed, my pack- 
 ing. I trust he has done it properly, but I am 
 sure in any case that I should not have done 
 it as well. I cannot pack. Packing is to my 
 mind, under any circumstances, a more or less 
 insoluble problem. If one packs close, in two 
 days' time one cannot shut one's boxes without 
 asking the whole hotel staff, from the manager 
 down, to assist you by sitting on them whilst 
 you try to lock them. If one packs loose, at 
 the termination of one's journey one's clothes 
 look as if they had been fighting inside the box 
 the whole way, the struggle ending by the 
 hairwash committing hari-kari over the shirts, 
 and thus by its death destroying its enemies. 
 I suppose there is a golden mean, but I never 
 found it ; and I have now wisely abandoned 
 attempting that which I have no natural bent 
 
 244
 
 PACKING, ETC. 245 
 
 for, and confine myself to giving the Untruthful 
 general instructions on the subject, which he 
 interprets in an eccentric and broad-minded 
 way. 
 
 After years of objurgation and remonstrance 
 I have got him to understand what I may call 
 the theory of packing for this particular journey. 
 The principle is that what I shall require during 
 the voyage must be quite separate from what I 
 shall require when I get to England. This 
 principle he has at last understood, but where 
 he fails is in its application. He cannot grasp 
 what I do want for the voyage. 
 
 I once crossed Europe with half of my only 
 trunk taken up by a typewriting machine, of 
 which no part could be used as clothing. Even 
 the ribbon could scarcely be regarded as a 
 sufficient costume by itself, however cunningly 
 arranged, anywhere but in Central Africa. 
 
 Though this took place in early days and he 
 undoubtedly knows better now, he still thinks 
 that I want to play golf en route, presumably 
 on the steamer, and that I make my official 
 entry into London on horseback. This latter 
 idea is firmly fixed in his mind. Even if I succeed 
 in preventing him packing my long boots and 
 khaki breeches of an ancient date, I am sure 
 to find a pair of spurs or some spare straps con- 
 cealed among my socks and ties. 
 
 Suleiman in some other respects, it must be 
 admitted, cannot be regarded as a perfect 
 travelling servant. The prospect of a journey, 
 whether he is to accompany me or not, always
 
 246 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 upsets him. In old days I used to have to go 
 to Khartoum several times a year, and often 
 had to start at a few hours' notice. When I 
 told Suleiman that we were starting, let us say, 
 that night on our journey south, he always 
 burst into tears. He sat overcome by grief 
 for some time, loudly lamenting his hard fate, 
 which compelled him to pack in a hurry, and 
 thus of necessity forget things, drawing down 
 my wrath on his poor innocent head. After a 
 time he partially mastered himself, tottered to 
 his feet, and, blinded by his tears, began to 
 pack by placing a frying pan and a tall hat, 
 or some such weird combination, in my port- 
 manteau. 
 
 Nowadays he gets more notice, which is better 
 for him, but even worse for me. The moment 
 I tell him that I propose to start that day month 
 for England, he packs up every single thing I 
 am not actually wearing at the minute, and 
 then promptly forgets in which box each article 
 of clothing has been put. The result of this is, 
 that dressing for dinner entails repacking the 
 whole of my luggage. The Untruthful is always 
 deeply hurt at this, and remains in a condition 
 of chronic sulks until I start. 
 
 There are several other crises of a minor 
 nature which have to be also gone through 
 before starting. One of these is when Suleiman, 
 with a wild look in his eye, informs me (usually 
 the day before I am to leave) that all the trunks 
 are broken, and none of the keys fit the locks. 
 It is, of course, no good reminding him that I
 
 PACKING, ETC. 247 
 
 had asked him weeks ago if they were all in 
 order, and that he had replied, with a readiness 
 I should with my experience have mistrusted, that 
 he had already seen to the matter personally. 
 These alarms are, however, usually more or less 
 false, and the one this year proved to have no 
 greater foundation than that Suleiman in his 
 condition of high nervous tension had been 
 trying to use on my boxes a bunch of antiquated 
 keys which must have belonged to the grand- 
 father of a former master of his. 
 
 This all occurred this morning, and after 
 order had been restored and a suitable admoni- 
 tion had been administered, I proceeded, accord- 
 ing to my annual custom, to question the 
 Untruthful one on what articles he had put into 
 each bag, case, or box. The object of this is 
 to try to make him think rather than to obtain 
 trustworthy information, for the answers he 
 gives bear very little relation to the truth. 
 There is a chance, however, that after he has 
 finished lying and I have gone away, he may 
 correct some of his more salient errors. To-day 
 he was not lucky, as he had only just assured 
 me that all my clean linen was packed with 
 even more than his usual skill and care at the 
 top of the several boxes, where I could get at 
 it with a minimum of trouble, and that this 
 had been done the day before yesterday, when 
 a perspiring washerman arrived with three 
 baskets of the said linen and excitedly demanded 
 extra pay, on the ground that it was only given 
 to him to wash this morning. Comment was
 
 248 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 useless, so I left the two worthies to fight it out, 
 and went off to my office. 
 
 I must now pack my despatch boxes, which 
 is the only part of the operation which I see 
 after personally. 
 
 I begin by carefully arranging their future 
 contents in two little piles. There is stationery, 
 telegraph forms, pens, ink, and pencils, which 
 are always very useful for marking at bridge. 
 There is my travelling inkpot, the pride of my 
 life, which never lets out a drop of ink unless 
 properly opened, which can only be done by 
 jamming it in the crack of the door as the screw 
 is rather stiff. There are half a dozen reports 
 and some serious works on finance which I shall 
 not read, and some novels which I shall. These 
 I have chosen with great care. First, there is 
 Dorinda of the Alameda (a sentimental one), by 
 Wason ; The Fatal Tiara, by Le Snob (highly 
 sensational) ; The Mystery of the Wry-Faced 
 Girl, by A. Blight (ditto); Dripping with Gore, 
 by Tedious Still (ditto, ditto) ; Coupled in Chains, 
 by Elinor Streatham (a marriage muddle) ; The 
 Death Cough, by Whitestone (mystical horrors 
 written by a man with a kind of spiritual D.T.) ; 
 The Duke Rides Out, by Pluffington Blobbs 
 (historical, with lots of fights). I like them all 
 except Coupled in Chains, which I thought when 
 I bought it was about the chain gangs in the 
 Australian convict settlements. On examina- 
 tion I find, however, that it is two hundred and 
 odd pages of the crass mistakes of two or more 
 congenital idiots, and I expect it ends badly,
 
 PACKING, ETC. 249 
 
 which I don't like. I '11 look. Ah ! I thought 
 so ! The last paragraph gives the show away. 
 
 ' Yes," she said, " I am free at last, but, like 
 the victims of the French tyrants when released 
 by the sovereign people from the gloomy depths 
 of the dungeons of the old Bastille, I cannot 
 use my liberty. The freedom of my spirit died 
 long since. I can only sit and patiently wait 
 until the end." And she did.' If she talked 
 like that I should have given her any amount 
 of freedom at once. Perhaps I can exchajige 
 the book on board the boat for something 
 rational. 
 
 Next I collect that mass of odds and ends 
 which one always thinks one will want on a 
 journey and never does. There are medica- 
 ments, safety pins, penknives, cotton wool, 
 travelling candlesticks, a small tape measure, 
 some drawing pins, and a patent thing for hold- 
 ing needles and thread. Then there are a 
 certain number of confidential documents to be 
 got in, and, finally, a little space must be left 
 for the small articles which Suleiman, accord- 
 ing to the law of probabilities, will forget to 
 pack elsewhere. This finished, I find that I 
 have mislaid my keys : I search my pockets, 
 turn out both the despatch boxes, and find 
 them on a re-examination in the pocket into 
 which I thought I had put them, but in which 
 they had somehow escaped my searching fingers. 
 I notice again with regret the misplaced activity 
 of inanimate objects. No conjuror can make 
 small articles disappear with the rapidity with
 
 250 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 which they move themselves out of sight and 
 reach when bent on annoying you. Keys par- 
 ticularly will slip from pocket to pocket with 
 a speed far higher than the human eye can 
 detect. They will move from table to chair 
 and chair to table without making a sound or 
 apparently a motion. 
 
 I feel greatly relieved. It is a great thing to 
 have finished packing and got everything in. 
 One nearly always forgets something, but this 
 time, what with forethought and long habit, all 
 difficulties have been overcome. But at this 
 point my smug self-satisfaction is rudely shaken 
 by a terrible thought. Put into words it takes 
 the form, ' What about boots ? ' I don't re- 
 member where my ' spare ' boots have been 
 put in. With a sinking heart I go to the small 
 cupboard under the bookcase where they are 
 kept* When I open the door, there appear to 
 my horror-struck gaze my heavy walking boots 
 covered at least an inch deep in a nauseous 
 dubbing which S. insists on using on them, 
 two pairs of evening shoes simply dripping with 
 a new and lavish coat of varnish, my spare 
 slippers, my golf shoes, my golf boots, my 
 tennis shoes, etc. etc. 
 
 I summon Sulieman, thinking over a suitable 
 form of blessing to salute him with on arrival, 
 but my summonses are in vain. He has obvi- 
 ously gone for the night, and I now remember 
 with horror that I told him to execute various 
 commissions for me to-morrow morning and, 
 as all the things were to be packed to-night, to
 
 PACKING, ETC. 251 
 
 come to my lodgings only just in time to take 
 the luggage to the station. This means that I 
 must pack these beastly boots myself. 
 
 After reflecting on what I should like to do 
 to the Untruthful, I resign myself to my fate. 
 First, I must open the boxes to see which one 
 will best bear the extra strain. I left my keys 
 on the table, I am sure, but, of course, they have 
 moved, and I search the room first perfunc- 
 torily and then systematically until I feel thor- 
 oughly discouraged, when I find them on the 
 table hiding behind a book in, as far as I can 
 judge, almost the exact place I put them down. 
 I open the boxes, which apparently have been 
 packed under hydraulic pressure, and decide 
 that there is the most hope of getting them into 
 the big brown portmanteau. The next step is 
 to remove the superabundant grease from the 
 shooting boots, a filthy process, and then wrap 
 them up in an old towel before packing them, 
 so that they may lubricate as few of my per- 
 sonal effects as possible. 
 
 Then a worse task is before me. I must 
 remove the wet varnish from the shoes, as they 
 will be for ever ruined if I pack them wet. This 
 has to be done with spirit, and I produce in the 
 process some gallons of a fine, clinging, black 
 spirit-paint, which gets gradually distributed 
 over everything, including myself, till I feel like 
 the ark pitched within and without. It is, I 
 am sure, due to want of enterprise that a self- 
 distributing paint has not been put on the 
 market. The text-books always say that one
 
 252 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 should take advantage of natural tendencies, 
 and the self-spreading power of black paint, 
 tar, or varnish is extraordinary. A very con- 
 vincing experiment to show this can be carried 
 out as follows : Take of black paint as much 
 as will cover a threepenny bit. Place it in a 
 room with a small boy from seven to ten years 
 old. In a few days you will notice that a thin 
 but quite perceptible coat of black paint covers 
 everything in the house. The same experi- 
 ment can be tried with honey, but a little more 
 must be used as the boy eats some of it. Though 
 inferior as a distributor to a boy, I expect I shall 
 find black varnish lurking about this room for 
 years. 
 
 However, at last the shoes are dry and packed, 
 and I can go to bed with the pleasant thought 
 that though, as the train does not go till eleven, 
 I need not really be called till eight-thirty, Sulei- 
 man's lieutenant, Ali, who will in S.'s absence 
 perform this duty for him, will no doubt from 
 excess of zeal have me out of bed at six-thirty 
 sharp.
 
 CHAPTER III 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 
 
 THE morning one starts on leave is a time of 
 trial and tribulation. First, I am always called 
 much too early, then I dawdle about until I 
 find I am in danger of being too late, and have 
 finally to dress as fast as possible, a thing which 
 always upsets my equanimity for the day. 
 The bath is, of course, cold, and my washing 
 becomes a pharisaical ceremony. My razors on 
 such occasions for some obscure reason refuse 
 to cut anything except incised flesh wounds. 
 My clothes are always put out wrong and I 
 cannot find anything. If the article required is 
 not packed up, it is put away. The laces of 
 my shoes break, the buttons on which the whole 
 stability of my dress depends are either broken 
 or missing, and my very socks have so many 
 holes in them that it is nearly impossible to 
 find the orthodox entrance. Of my breakfast 
 (taken at home to save time) it is impossible to 
 speak kindly. The tea is lukewarm, the butter 
 salt, and the eggs predynastic. 
 
 My fate this morning is no different in these 
 respects from what it has been on similar occa- 
 sions, with the result that when I finally reach 
 the station I am what is termed ruffled. 
 
 253
 
 254 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Here I find Mirsal, my shawish or orderly, 
 waiting for me. He is in many ways the apple 
 of my eye, but memory is not his strong point. 
 He has, according to custom, forgotten my 
 railway pass, so I am obliged to take a ticket. 
 The ticket clerk, who is a villainous-looking 
 Copt, is apparently adding up the monetary 
 results of his last night's murders, and dislikes 
 being interrupted. To mark his disapproval of 
 my doing so he gives me a wrong ticket and 
 some change, of which the amount, as far as I 
 can see, bears no relation to any previous trans- 
 action between us. Just as I am drawing his 
 attention to the point and beginning what I 
 know will be a long and wearying discussion, 
 Mirsal, who has been fighting the cabman about 
 his fare outside, appears and lets loose such a 
 torrent of thumbnail word-portraits of the clerk's 
 family that, used as I am to his powers in this 
 respect, I am struck dumb with admiration. 
 
 The clerk, realising from Mirsal's uniform 
 that I belong to the sacred official class, merely 
 bows his head to the storm and, following the 
 advice of the old saying, pays up and looks 
 pleasant ; that is, as pleasant as one can with a 
 criminal cast of countenance thickly encrusted 
 with the dirt of years. 
 
 I now proceed to find my carriage. We 
 higher officials are given reserved compartments 
 when we travel, and these are for some reason 
 always in the front first-class carriage of the 
 train. Whether this is to give us our proper 
 precedence in a collision, or whether it is from
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 255 
 
 a tender solicitude on the part of the railway 
 authorities that we should take enough exercise 
 for the good of our health, I don't know, but 
 it is so, and it means one has a long walk before 
 one gets to one's place. The railway officials, 
 when they travel, I notice, have their service 
 cars hitched on to the back of the train. This 
 leads me into a gloomy train of thought on the 
 selfishness of humanity. At last I arrive and 
 am greeted by my secretary and the man 
 with the feather brush, no one else having yet 
 arrived as it is so early. However, the man with 
 the feather brush is there. The man with the 
 feather brush is indispensable in the highest 
 ceremonials, and is present on the most ordinary 
 occasions. When you call on a friend, he dusts 
 your boots. When you enter a railway com- 
 partment, the seats are dusted by him. When 
 the Khedive goes anywhere in state, the last 
 touch before he arrives is given by the man 
 with the feather brush dusting the red carpet. 
 The operation itself is usually purely formal, 
 and only just stirs up enough dust to make 
 you cough a little, but it is a sign that you 
 belong to the higher or fit-to-be-dusted classes. 
 I believe the man with the feather brush is the 
 present-day representative of the slaves who 
 waved the sacred feather fans over the head of 
 Pharaoh. I am sure there is something in this 
 theory, because not one of the archaeologists 
 will look at it. Anyhow, I think I should feel 
 hurt nowadays if I got into a railway carriage 
 without coughing and sneezing.
 
 256 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 One of the results of living alongside Orientals 
 is that you catch their inertness. The conse- 
 quence of this is that we have many customs, 
 especially social customs, in Egypt which are 
 generally execrated, but which continue to 
 flourish nevertheless because no one will take 
 the trouble to do away with them. Among 
 these one of the worst is the ceremony of one's 
 friends assembling to see one off at the station. 
 It dates probably from the time when Egypt 
 was much further off in time from Europe than 
 it is now, and when the return of a departing 
 friend was a matter of more uncertainty. Any- 
 how, whatever the original source of error, we 
 still religiously see each other off at the station 
 when we go on leave, so that one cannot even 
 leave this thrice-blessed land in peace. A depu- 
 tation of one's chief clerks, petitioners, and friends 
 crowd round one at the last moment, and dis- 
 tract one's mind from the really vital problems 
 of whether one left one's cheque book on the 
 writing-table, and if one did or did not lock up 
 one's keys in the spring-lock despatch box 
 which is registered through. It is idle mockery 
 wishing a man who is on the brink of brain 
 fever and without a handkerchief in the wide 
 world a happy journey, or offering flowers, 
 which is in itself a custom most repugnant to 
 the self-conscious Englishman, to one who feels 
 that he and his keys are parted for ever. It is 
 a gruesome ceremony, only lightened by the 
 arrival of one's servant in a frenzied condition 
 carrying a pill-box in his right hand and a
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 257 
 
 selection of intimate articles of dress and toilet 
 in his left, which he insists on giving one, quite 
 regardless of the presence of one's lady friends. 
 A man who wore a wig confided to me that he 
 was so used to his servant giving him his spare 
 one on these occasions before every one, that 
 he had quite ceased to feel embarrassed, and 
 would not now feel comfortable if this were not 
 done. 
 
 At last, however, we are off, and I sit down 
 to collect my scattered faculties and mentally 
 draft a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, 
 suggesting the inclusion of ' he who hindereth 
 the wayfarer on his way ' in the suitable portion 
 of the Commination Service. 
 
 I had intended to start this journey with a 
 minimum of hand baggage, but on looking 
 round the carriage it does not appear that my 
 intentions have been perfectly carried out. 
 Amongst those present we notice (as the society 
 papers say) golf clubs, hold-all, valise, hat box, 
 two despatch boxes, rugs, book net, deck chair, 
 luncheon basket, tarboosh case, paper parcel 
 (contents uncertain), two bouquets, and a basket 
 of fruit. 
 
 Why Suleiman will send my tarboosh case and 
 luncheon basket with me when I go on leave 
 is one of the insoluble mysteries of the East. 
 Perhaps on the White Knight's principle. Any- 
 how, they will be left with a friend at Port Said 
 and probably forgotten, so they don't much 
 matter. The bouquets can go out of the window, 
 and the fruit will do to give to Mrs. Despard,
 
 258 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 who went down by the early train this morning, 
 and who, with Mr. and Mrs. Hester, is travelling 
 home with us. I am very glad Mrs. Despard is 
 going, but I could have spared the Hesters. 
 
 I notice that the porters as usual have made 
 an ingeniously balanced pile of my old despatch 
 box, luncheon basket, and hat box on the rack. 
 It is evident that it is only a matter of minutes 
 before they collapse. I have no intention of 
 playing at being Damocles with an Egyptian- 
 made iron despatch box, which weighs as much 
 as a small safe, hanging over my head, supported 
 by a single luncheon basket, so I take it down. 
 My despatch box is a marvel. I got it in the 
 days when I still believed one ought to patronise 
 native industry, and I had it made at one of 
 the Government model shops. It is made, I 
 should think, of half-inch plate, and is too heavy 
 for any one but a trained athlete to lift. Its 
 only other faults are that it holds less for its 
 size than any other box I ever saw, and that, 
 owing to the fact that a cheap lock was put on 
 it in the interests of economy, it is liable to 
 come open at any minute if you are rough with 
 it. So it needs careful handling. 
 
 I then make a compo. of the golf clubs, hold-all, 
 parcel, and rug. Now, if I register the hat 
 box and one despatch box through, all will be 
 well. 
 
 Tommy, who got in with some friends of his 
 in another compartment but is already tired of 
 them, now joins me ; but after saying gloomily 
 that there are the deuce of a lot of people from
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 259 
 
 Cairo going with us, he is obviously not inclined 
 for conversation, so I let him be, and open the 
 newspapers with which Mirsal has provided 
 me. 
 
 We are not exactly in the forefront of civilisa- 
 tion as regards our press. There is nothing in 
 England quite on a level with our European 
 papers. They usually consist in a leading article 
 which is scurrilous but witty in the French 
 papers and respectable but soporific in the 
 English, Reuter's telegrams, fails divers, some 
 articles or extracts from European papers, 
 Bourse news, cotton quotations, and advertise- 
 ments. There is also a column headed c Per- 
 sonal,' which is supposed to give one the fashion- 
 able news movements, births, deaths, and 
 marriages. This column in the English papers 
 is sometimes funny, as it is occasionally written 
 by some Syrian sub-editor with a very im- 
 perfect knowledge of our tongue. Thus one 
 reads with amazement that 4 Mr. Untel goes 
 off his leafs on October the 2nd,' which sounds 
 serious, or that ' Wahid Pasha is condoled with 
 on the gloomy decrease of his father.' 
 
 Owing probably to paucity of material, our 
 papers, especially the British ones, will put in 
 almost anything you send them. When we were 
 all younger we used to take advantage of this to 
 get up bogus correspondence on really dreadful 
 subjects, and the perfectly serious editorial 
 comments on our letters were worth anything. 
 
 Perhaps the best joke we ever played through 
 the press was when Gorley and I wrote an in-
 
 260 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 dignant letter signed ' Matron,' to say there was 
 a poster on a hoarding in a distant and dirty 
 part of Cairo which was an outrage on common 
 decency. We followed this up the next week 
 by a powerful appeal to have it removed, signed 
 ' Englishman.' We sent these to the editor 
 under false names, and he accepted them. The 
 letters sent many respectable members of the 
 community on a most unpleasant expedition, 
 and we had a most entertaining afternoon 
 down there, meeting most of our friends, who, 
 curiously enough, were all called there by various 
 forms of business, or had wandered there by 
 chance. 
 
 At this moment the engine starts whistling 
 more vehemently than ever. I once asked one 
 of the younger station-masters why the engines 
 whistled so much in this country. He replied, 
 ' Sir, the law says if you don't whistle he is 
 murder or manslaughter, but if you do he is a 
 total accident.' Our engine-driver is evidently 
 out for a total accident, whatever that may be. 
 Tommy says that we are just running into 
 Zagazig, which proves not to be the case, for 
 we soon pull up at a wayside station. All the 
 native officials are apparently in a state of 
 great excitement, and are rushing about fever- 
 ishly. The station-master, who is a portly 
 gentleman of unusually dark complexion, is 
 gravely proceeding at a sharp trot up and down 
 the platform accompanied by a shambling, one- 
 eyed Coptic clerk, who is trying to hold a green- 
 lined white umbrella over his chief's head to
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 261 
 
 protect him from the sun. The station-master 
 is obviously under the impression that he is 
 doing something important, but unless it is for 
 a substantial wager I cannot imagine why he 
 is taking this unwonted and dangerous exercise. 
 The panic increases, and the remainder of the 
 station staff are now gesticulating and shouting 
 in groups, whilst the ticket collector is sobbing 
 in the corner. Tommy selects one of the sanest 
 of the officials, and demands sternly to be told 
 what the matter is. The man with an effort 
 pulls himself together, and replies in voluble 
 what he thinks to be English, 4 Sir, there was 
 accident. This train has run down, so line is 
 block.' 4 Any one hurt ? ' asks Tommy. 
 ' Station-master know, sir, I not know. Station- 
 master very sorry. He like this one hour.' 
 1 When shall we go on ?' I inquire, it dawning 
 on me that we may possibly miss our boat. 4 I 
 not know, sir ; two, tree hours ; not long. 
 Station-master telegraph all round as per regu- 
 lation. He very sorry and upset.' 
 
 At this point that worthy trots by with his 
 faithful umbrella-bearer. He, the station-master, 
 is purple in the face, and his eyes are starting 
 from his head. He stops for a second, issues 
 two or three contradictory orders, and gives 
 verbal instructions, of a kind which are bound 
 to be misunderstood, for another sheaf of tele- 
 grams to be sent off. Tommy tries to reason 
 with him, but he is incoherent, and starts off 
 again down the platform to the accompaniment 
 of the wails of the ticket collector. At this
 
 262 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 moment the signalman rushes up and announces 
 that a train is coming down the line from Cairo 
 and won't stop though the signals are against 
 her. The station-master would scream if he had 
 any breath left for the purpose. He murmurs, 
 * Tell the engine-driver of this train to start and 
 to go on fast.' ' But,' urges the signalman, who 
 has remnants of sense left, c the line is blocked 
 by the accident.' ' Then what am I to do ? ' 
 whimpers the station-master, turning to the 
 telegraph clerk who has joined the group. 
 4 Telegraph at once to Cairo for instructions.' 
 ' It is too late,' says the signalman ; ' in five 
 minutes the train will be here.' c They will 
 see the express and stop,' suggests the tele- 
 graphist, who is obviously of a hopeful disposi- 
 tion. ' No, no, they won't,' groans the station- 
 master. ' If they won't stop for signals, they 
 won't regard an express.' ' That is indeed the 
 truth,' says the signalman. 4 Every one must 
 get out of the train,' says the station-master, 
 struck with to-day's great thought. c Do not 
 alarm the passengers, but say quietly that they 
 will all certainly be killed if they don't get out 
 of the train at once.' 
 
 The officials rush off on their mission, and in 
 two minutes every one is scrambling out of the 
 carriages, flinging their luggage ahead of them. 
 The platform becomes a sea of furious, scrambling, 
 yelling, fighting humanity, through which the 
 station-master starts on his endless trot down 
 and up the platform again. 
 
 After this scene has lasted for some ten
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 263 
 
 minutes, a peculiar-looking train appears from 
 the Cairo direction, whistling fiercely, and stops 
 just behind ours. It is the breakdown train, 
 cranes, jacks, and all. 
 
 From it steps a burly-looking individual of a 
 certain portliness, dressed in those peculiarly ill- 
 fitting white clothes worn in summer by our 
 railwaymen, from our general manager to the 
 stokers on the goods engines. It is Larkins, 
 whose special business is this sort of work. His 
 imperturbable countenance is carmined over by 
 the pink cast of desire to kick some one hard. 
 He is, however, far too old a hand to show his 
 irritation in any open way. On his appearance 
 there is a distinct change of attitude on the 
 part of the station staff. They quietly assume 
 that, to most of us difficult but to them from 
 long practice almost normal, position, the top of 
 the fence. If the station-master is commended 
 they will appear as his faithful servants and 
 adherents, and get their part of the praise ; if, 
 on the other hand, they find he is blamed they 
 will dissociate themselves altogether from his 
 action and openly bewail his folly, giving in- 
 formation against him if necessary, especially if 
 there is any hope of reward. 
 
 Larkins speaks to the station-master in a 
 polite and businesslike manner, but his first 
 dozen words reduce that official to a cold per- 
 spiration. I expect Larkins is suggesting to him 
 the things he ought to have done, and pointing 
 out that unless he can keep his head on occasions 
 like the present, it is possible that in the interests
 
 264 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 of public safety it will be necessary to transfer 
 him to a smaller station in a feverish district 
 at a reduced salary. He listens with patience 
 to the station-master's halting and improbable 
 story, gives a few short recommendations, which 
 that official translates into orders to others, and 
 in five minutes order is restored ; the crowd of 
 officials and staff have melted away, and every 
 one is with superhuman assiduity attending to 
 his own affairs. 
 
 Meanwhile the breakdown tram has got on to 
 the other line, and Larkins, after pouring into 
 our sympathetic ears a few bitter remarks on 
 the life of a railwayman in this country, and a 
 short sketch of what the station-master's future 
 career would be like if he, Larkins, could do 
 what he chose, gets into his car, and the break- 
 down train starts off for the scene of the disaster. 
 He told Tommy before he left, that from in- 
 formation received from another station, he did 
 not believe there was much damage done, and 
 he would probably be able to clear the up line 
 at all events in a short space of time. 
 
 As there is nothing to do but to wait, we 
 wander up and down the platform, which is 
 now empty, as the rest of the passengers have 
 been put quietly and unostentatiously back 
 into their carriages. 
 
 We fall to discussing the effect of that weirdest 
 of all human phenomena, panic, on the natives 
 of the Delta, and the way in which an Oriental 
 crowd passes in a few seconds from an indifferent, 
 good-tempered, docile mass to a collection of
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 265 
 
 raving maniacs with strong homicidal tendencies. 
 The Northern Egyptian is a curious mixture of 
 apathy if things are done for or to him, and mad 
 excitability if he himself has to take an active 
 and responsible part in anything that needs 
 action. 
 
 Gradually the time slips away and we have 
 just exhausted all our conversation, and are 
 about to re-enter the railway carriage, when a 
 message comes that we can proceed by the up 
 line. This is communicated to the engine-driver, 
 who seems doubtful of the wisdom of the pro- 
 ceeding. We join the improvised council, com- 
 posed of the station-master, the signalman, and 
 the engine-driver himself, who are discussing 
 the affair. The station-master says : ' It is an 
 order. See thou, it is quite clear. It reads 
 thus, " Up line clear, but use caution after pass- 
 ing the bridge over the canal." 
 
 c But,' says the engineer, advancing his prin- 
 cipal argument, ' there is an express due from 
 Ismailia shortly.' 
 
 ' I tell thee, O brother, it is an order signed by 
 Salesy Bey himself, and thou canst go carefully 
 with due precaution.' 
 
 ' But,' says the engineer, who is obviously 
 an obstinate fellow who hates collisions, ' the 
 order says truly that the line is clear, but it 
 says nought of the express. What if we meet 
 it?' 
 
 ' That,' says the station-master piously, ' is as 
 God wills. But thou must go on.' 
 
 And on this comfortable footing we resume
 
 266 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 our journey. I rather share the engineer's point 
 of view, and my admiration for the station- 
 master's simple faith is a little weakened by the 
 reflection that he is remaining comfortably in 
 his office, while we have to go on to meet the 
 express or not as it may happen. In fact, I am 
 not a little relieved when, after passing the 
 canal bridge, we glide slowly by a couple of 
 wrecked waggons and turn over the points on 
 our own line again. 
 
 After this Tommy and I naturally fall to 
 discussing accidents, and I tell him of the last 
 accident which I was in. It was on a suburban 
 line near Cairo, on which, at that time, I had 
 just begun to travel daily. The rolling stock in 
 those days was decidedly antiquated, and used 
 to make any old railwaymen who came out as 
 tourists to Egypt quite sentimental. I remember 
 Sir Andrew M'Gregor, ex-manager of the London, 
 Bristol, and East Coast, sobbing like a child 
 over one of the engines, saying he had never 
 hoped to see the old days come back again. It 
 carried him back fifty years and more, when he 
 and his lamented wife started on their honey- 
 moon dragged by just such an engine, possibly 
 the same one. 
 
 Of course, one had to be careful with the 
 carriages, as one always has to be when dealing 
 with genuine antiques. Many careless men got 
 nasty falls by something giving way when they 
 were trying to get in or out of the carriages. 
 Sometimes, no doubt, it was a little incon- 
 venient, as when an old lady I knew had to
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 267 
 
 hold the door to all the way, owing to the latch 
 having dropped off. 
 
 The express by which I usually travelled went 
 at the maximum speed considered safe, taking 
 into consideration the state of what was ironically 
 called the permanent way, and this was nearly 
 twenty miles an hour on the flat. One travelled 
 usually in a venerable saloon of vast proportions, 
 which had the peculiar earthy, musty smell of 
 extreme age. Everything in it was very old 
 even the fleas only walked about ; their hopping 
 days were over. 
 
 One night I travelled out of Cairo in this 
 mobile vault with but one companion, a fat old 
 Frenchman with a capacious white waistcoat 
 and a discontented expression. We were sway- 
 ing along at our maximum speed, and I was 
 just trying to find out what time it was by my 
 watch and failing, owing to the oil lamp not 
 being quite as bright as usual, when I felt the 
 jolt of crossing points, and the Frenchman 
 turned to the window and said in a tone of 
 concentrated bitterness, 4 Animal ! J Then all 
 the brakes were suddenly put on, and directly 
 afterwards we stopped with a very sharp shock. 
 I suddenly left my seat and flew through the 
 air, alighting in the centre of the capacious 
 white waistcoat with considerable force. The 
 proprietor and I did rather a complicated joint 
 somersault, and finished up sitting on the floor. 
 As soon as I felt sure I was not dead, I attempted 
 to apologise to the poor old man whom I had so 
 wantonly assaulted. He had recovered his breath,
 
 268 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 and having raised himself with difficulty into a 
 kneeling position, he shook his fist towards the 
 side of the carriage and exclaimed : ' Imbecile ! 
 Imbecile ! Voila ce qui arrive tons les quinze jours ! ' 
 
 When I had helped him up, he explained 
 that the native pointsman at these particular 
 points was a man whose memory was deplorable, 
 and he could not ever be sure in his own mind 
 whether the lever should be pulled one way or 
 the other. About once a fortnight he made a 
 mistake and turned the express on to the siding, 
 with the results we had just experienced. He, 
 the Frenchman, had a family, and alas ! was 
 too poor to live in Cairo, so he had to bear it 
 as best he might. It was a pathetic picture, 
 this excellent pere de famille doing his fort- 
 nightly somersault in the interests of economy. 
 
 There are, of course, many stories of the 
 doings and sayings of our railway staff and the 
 passengers, from the old gentleman who, when 
 he was asked if he was abonne (season-ticket 
 holder) by the collector, replied with heat and 
 severity, ' No, O dog Mahommedan ' ; to the 
 porter who slept with his head on the rails in 
 order to be sure to wake up in time for the first 
 train. So we have plenty of material, and with 
 this to discuss and with gossiping, reading, and 
 an interval for lunch, the time soon passes, till 
 we find we are slackening down to run into 
 Port Said. Tommy points out that we shall 
 have none too much time to get on board the 
 boat. 
 
 This is a comfort, as it will shorten the time
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 269 
 
 during which I shall be in the grip of the sub- 
 governor (the governor is away), Ahmed Bey 
 Murad, whom I see waiting to welcome me on 
 the platform, and who is not a bad fellow, but 
 a little trying, especially to any one who has 
 a difficulty in controlling his countenance. 
 
 Where he learned his extremely voluble and 
 singularly incorrect English, of which he is in- 
 ordinately proud, is a mystery, but his teachers 
 cannot have been very refined as to accent or 
 substance. 
 
 He, like most of the governing classes in 
 Egypt, is of Turkish origin, with the large face 
 and build of his race. He is very nattily turned 
 out, wears his tarboosh well on the side of his 
 head, a pink satin tie with a pearl pin, a brocade 
 waistcoat, an immaculate, heavily braided frock 
 coat, light grey ' weddingy ' trousers, and yellow 
 leather spring-side boots with imitation buttons 
 on them. On his hands are lavender kid gloves, 
 under his arm a presentation walking cane, 
 and in his mouth a gold cigarette holder picked 
 out with amber, in which is burning an enormous 
 cigarette. He disseminates an odour of perfume 
 which would be strong enough to run him as a 
 ' drag ' with a pack of hounds. 
 
 4 And how are we? ? ' he says, welcoming me 
 cordially. c I hope your Excellency is pretty 
 bobbyish, eh ? Excuse half mos, but you have 
 what you call sky-skippers in your train, and I 
 am told to look at him.' 
 
 At this moment the station-master bustles 
 up with an elderly and portly cleric of the
 
 270 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 ultra - serious description, and presents him to 
 the sub-governor, who makes him a rakish, 
 lion comique sort of bow, and says : c Delighted. 
 Hope feet and well, reverend.' c Thank you 
 for your kind wishes. I am very well, I am 
 glad to say,' graciously replies the cleric. 
 
 ' An all at home ? Your fine lady, kids, and 
 so on,' continues Ahmed Bey genially. 
 
 The dean (I am sure he must be a dean) draws 
 himself up, and replies with pained toleration, 
 ' Your wishes are most kind, I am sure, but, 
 ahem ! I am not married.' 
 
 ' Oh dear, how bad, reverend,' says the sub- 
 governor jocularly. ' But quite right ; women 
 are deuces and all.' 
 
 I feel I had better interfere, as Ahmed Bey's 
 views on women, though interesting, are slightly 
 astonishing to the untrained western mind. 
 
 4 Well, Ahmed Bey,' I say, ' I think we ought 
 to be getting on board. It is nearly two o'clock 
 now, and we shall not have too much time.' 
 
 4 1 'm afraid your Excellency quite right,' 
 says the Bey regretfully. ' I had hope you 
 would have had time what you call glass of 
 fizz and nice bit of lunch.' 
 
 This is partly addressed to me and partly 
 to the clerical gentleman, who is looking a little 
 astonished. An Oriental never misses noticing 
 a change of expression, though he may be too 
 civil to let you know it, but he often, as in 
 this case, puts it down to the wrong cause. 
 
 ' I don't mind,' continues the Bey addressing 
 the cleric, c what you call a nice drop of wine,
 
 CAIRO TO PORT SAID 271 
 
 reverend. That no drinks business is all what 
 you call tommy rot. The Pasha here drops on 
 mv little place some time and we crush bottles 
 of"bubbly.' 
 
 I wish he would leave me out of his remarks. 
 I feel sure that I am now looked upon in the 
 clerical mind as a roysterer. 
 
 The Bey, thus talking, leads the way down 
 to the landing stage, where we get into a motor 
 launch, for our ship is lying further up the 
 harbour. 
 
 I strive in vain to persuade Ahmed Bey that 
 he need not come on board with us, but he 
 won't hear of it, until, with a flash of genius, 
 Tommy remembers that I ought to send a 
 telegram (perfectly unnecessary), which we write 
 out and the good-natured little man rushes off 
 to send personally, and we proceed quietly to 
 the ship, I trying on the way to remove from 
 the clerical mind the false impressions which 
 Ahmed Bey's eccentric conversation may have 
 left there.
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 GOING ON BOARD 
 
 IF you see two Anglo-Egyptians in deep con- 
 versation, you will find that five times out of 
 ten they are discussing steamship lines, their 
 virtues and iniquities. If you get within ear- 
 shot you will hear, ' Yes, dear, right at the 
 bottom of the hold, and not a stitch to put on 
 till I got to Port Said. Oh, they were rude ' ; 
 or, 4 1 ventured to point out to the purser 
 that in law he had not got a leg to stand on,' 
 and so on according to the sex and profes- 
 sion of the individual. I am no exception 
 to this rule, and hold very strong views on 
 the subject. To my mind any one who knows 
 and does not prefer a blue funnel to any 
 other steamer is simply either stupid or wrong- 
 headed. 
 
 This year, however, I am going by the Island 
 and Far East Line, not because I like it, but 
 because the date of sailing happens to suit. I 
 mind less going by it in the dead season, because 
 one is almost sure of a cabin to oneself, which 
 I must have, and which this line won't ordinarily 
 give you. That any one should be so bar- 
 barous as to put two or more people who are 
 
 272
 
 GOING ON BOARD 273 
 
 liable to be attacked at any time by a painful 
 and disgusting illness to live together in a box 
 ten feet by six or seven, is really amazing. 
 The foreign lines are gradually doing away 
 with this uncivilised practice, and are providing 
 a sufficient number of roomy single cabins, 
 but on English steamers we still tolerate this 
 outrage on decency and comfort ; we don't 
 even seem to mind it. 
 
 When we arrive at the ship, which is lying 
 close to a quay but not touching it, we find 
 the ladder crowded with boats from which 
 passengers and their attendants are scrambling 
 with that haste which every one uses when 
 travelling, whether they have got heaps of 
 time to spare or not. As, after a desperate 
 struggle, we get on the gangway, we are 
 reminded of another curious trait of the Anglo- 
 Saxon traveller, which seems to be in direct 
 contradiction to his willingness to share his 
 cabin with a stranger. This is a tendency to 
 regard as his own any temporary habitation he 
 may occupy, and to resent any intrusion upon 
 it. If an Englishman is in a railway carriage 
 or a steamer or a hotel, he immediately re- 
 gards it as his own, and is prepared to dis- 
 courage or even resist any trespassers to the 
 utmost of his powers. One is never more 
 acutely aware of this than when one joins a 
 steamer en route. 
 
 As Tommy, the dean and I crush forward up 
 the ladder, we are greeted by a hum of muffled 
 disapproval from the passengers above on deck. 
 
 s
 
 274 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 I can hear portions of frank opinions which 
 are obviously hostile to our travelling by this 
 steamer anyway. As we reach the deck, I, who 
 am leading, am trying to find my ticket, which, 
 though I know I put it in my left coat pocket, 
 I find in my right waistcoat pocket (for tickets, 
 like needles, once they get into you work about 
 all over the place), when I hear a clear female 
 voice say, ' Well, thank goodness, there are 
 only a dozen of them.' To which another 
 answers, ' Yes, but I suppose we shall hear 
 nothing but mafish and malesh now. Why 
 cannot they go by one of their own lines ? ' 
 These are obviously Anglo - Indians. We in 
 Egypt profess to despise Anglo - Indians as 
 people who are out of touch with Europe 
 and essentially provincial, whilst they, on the 
 other hand, talk with contempt of our size 
 and village politics. One method of showing 
 this lofty hostility is to pretend not to under- 
 stand anything about the others' country or 
 language. 
 
 At this moment my attention is turned to 
 Tommy, who has a theory that you should 
 always carry your most cherished possessions 
 yourself, and who has now assumed the memor- 
 able position of the young lady of Norway, 
 owing to his golf clubs and sticks interlocking 
 in some mysterious way with portions of the 
 ship, whilst a determined-looking lady's-maid 
 is jamming the sharp corner of a mysterious 
 tin case into the small of his back. I feel deeply 
 relieved for the dean's sake that Tommy is, in
 
 GOING ON BOARD 275 
 
 the hurry of the moment, expressing himself in 
 the vernacular and only making the boat- 
 men blush. He is freed by a strong sailor, 
 gains the deck and disappears down the com- 
 panion, knocking off bits of the woodwork as 
 he goes. 
 
 I now begin to make inquiries for my cabin, 
 but as usual no one pays the slightest attention 
 to me. 
 
 If you took a French post clerk, a German 
 police officer, an American customs official, 
 and an English road hog and rolled them into 
 one, you would get a being who, as far as manners 
 went, resembled faintly the ordinary officer of 
 this revered line. In army parlance, the pas- 
 sengers on these boats rank in the minds of the 
 officers with, but after, black beetles. Passen- 
 gers are regarded as a sort of unsavoury pest 
 with which a ship becomes infected whilst lying 
 in port. Restrained by regulations they pro- 
 foundly disagree with from throwing you over- 
 board or stamping on you, the officers are forced 
 unwillingly to tolerate your existence, but no 
 more. They used to make me mad with anger 
 until I travelled with Tommy, but he taught 
 me how to combine justice with amusement. 
 He makes it a practice whenever an officer is 
 rude, to ask him in mellifluous tones to come 
 and look at the dirt in his cabin, or to get 
 him a clean pillow-slip, or some such request. 
 On the officer turning indignantly away, he 
 explains loudly that he thought that he was 
 the chief steward or the purser, because he
 
 276 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 was so civil to the passengers. He looks so 
 innocent when he does this that his victim is 
 not sure if he means to be rude or not, 
 and retires crimson, amid the titters of the 
 audience. 
 
 I wearily continue my inquiries till at last 
 the chief steward or the assistant purser or 
 whoever it is feels that I am becoming a nuisance, 
 and fiercely tells a steward to take me to number 
 47, as if that place was the proverbial alterna- 
 tive to Connaught. The steward sulkily com- 
 plies, and takes me up and down into a very 
 narrow and evil-smelling passage, where, mur- 
 muring something about this not being it, he 
 leaves me and disappears. 
 
 Here I remain very much in the way of a lot 
 of irritable stewards, who seem to be taking 
 exercise by carrying piles of dirty plates back- 
 wards and forwards, till another steward appears 
 and asks me suspiciously what I want. I 
 explain that I want 47. ' But that ain't on this 
 deck,' he says gruffly, with the air of a police- 
 man moving an undesirable on. I say humbly 
 that I don't know where it is; can he tell 
 me ? He replies shortly that it is not one of 
 his cabins, and I had better go up on to the 
 deck above. 
 
 This I do, and find myself in another passage 
 equally dark and almost as odoriferous. On 
 examining the numbers of the cabins, I find 
 that I am opposite number 122, whose owner, 
 a drab -coloured Indian lady, coming out suddenly, 
 looks alarmed and calls to the stewardess to lock
 
 GOING ON BOARD 277 
 
 her cabin up, as there are dreadful-looking people 
 on board. Suffering under this unmerited harsh- 
 ness, I wander on and meet another official whom 
 I consult. He replies stiffly that he doesn't 
 know. (I find out subsequently that he is the 
 seventh officer, or something which hates 
 passengers.) 
 
 At this moment when I am undecided whether 
 I will seize a cabin by force, demand to see the 
 captain, or write to The Times, my original 
 steward appears. He is very indignant with me 
 for having moved from where he left me, and 
 says he has been looking for me nigh all over 
 the ship. The prospect of obtaining a more or 
 less permanent resting place on any terms in- 
 duces me to curb my natural desire to keel- 
 haul him, or Whatever you do to people you 
 dislike at sea, and I follow him without a 
 word. He takes me to a totally new part of 
 the ship, which is deeper down in the darker 
 bowels of the ship and gloomier than where 
 I was before. 
 
 The smell is different, but equally unpleasant. 
 It seems to be compounded of decayed funguses, 
 hot engine oil, and onions. I expostulate, and 
 point out that my cabin was in the plan of the 
 upper deck. The steward looks at me with 
 hatred and contempt, and asks in tones of sup- 
 pressed irritation if I ain't 297. I, speaking 
 with difficulty through my grating teeth, reply 
 that I have told him already that I am 47. He 
 then mutters fiercely that he wishes people 
 would give him their right tickets.
 
 278 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 This is more than I can bear as if I should 
 take pains to exchange my upper-deck cabin 
 with some unhappy person who is to live in the 
 noisome cell he is showing me ! I am just look- 
 ing round for a capstan bar, or a belaying pin, 
 or a marling spike, or whatever the proper thing 
 is to use in exterminating a mendacious and 
 uncivil steward, when round a corner comes 
 the portly form of Mr. Tarlington, the agent 
 for the company at Port Said. I explain 
 matters to him, and in two minutes we are on 
 our way to my cabin, while the steward retires 
 in a cowed condition, to wreak his vengeance on 
 some unfortunate passenger who has no friend 
 at court to protect him. 
 
 Tarlington promises to send my luggage along, 
 and beams away on his mission of mercy and 
 protection to the unhappy Anglo-Egyptians on 
 board. 
 
 In five minutes or so some luggage turns up, 
 though, of course, not the right luggage. 
 
 When one announces directly, or through 
 Messrs. Cook, to this steamship company that, 
 in spite of the dangers and disagreeables of the 
 proceeding, you are going to embark as a passenger 
 on one of their steamers, they give you a lot of 
 incorrect information, charge you large sums of 
 money, and supply you with a sheaf of assorted 
 luggage labels. There are some of all sorts. 
 First, there are some with nothing on them but 
 a big capital letter which is the same as the 
 first letter of your surname, so that in the case 
 of your getting complete amnesia, it will help
 
 GOING ON BOARD 279 
 
 you to remember who you are. Then, secondly, 
 there are labels on which is printed where you 
 come from and where you are going to. The 
 idea of these is excellent, but in practice I don't 
 think they pay much attention to them, as they 
 often send Egyptian luggage to Bombay. 
 Thirdly, there are labels marked ' Not wanted 
 on voyage,' which I have so often longed to 
 paste on the backs of several of my fellow 
 passengers. These labels work well, almost too 
 well. Putting one of these labels on a trunk 
 has much the same effect as sending a man to 
 exile in Siberia. It sends it away for a time for 
 certain, and, with any luck, for ever. I believe 
 they cast luggage marked like this into a bottom- 
 less hold, from which some adventurous sailor 
 may rescue it ; or it may just stay there till the 
 ship is broken up. The next sort of label is 
 that with ' Wanted on voyage ' printed on it. 
 These condemn your luggage to detention in a 
 hold from which it can be produced at any 
 time if you know exactly the right official 
 to ask for it and they don't send some one 
 else's instead. I struck up quite a friend- 
 ship with a lady years ago through always 
 getting her luggage when I asked for mine. 
 Finally, there are labels marked ' Cabin,' and 
 these are the really useful ones. I never 
 waste anything, so I paste the other labels on 
 the inside of my box where they can do no 
 harm, and put a ' Cabin ' label on each of my 
 packages, even if they are as large as grand 
 pianos.
 
 280 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 If you do this, all your luggage is put together 
 on board in a place where you can see it, and 
 handed over to your bedroom steward, who, 
 from venal motives, is more or less devoted 
 to your interests. You can then select the 
 articles you really do want in your cabin, and 
 have the rest put away in the ' Wanted on 
 voyage ' place under the eye of the said 
 steward, who can then always find it again if 
 you want it. 
 
 My bedroom steward now appears, and with 
 his aid my luggage is found and dealt with, and 
 I think I had better go on deck and see how my 
 companions are faring. 
 
 When I come on deck I am met by Mrs. 
 Despard, who is apparently going to catch a 
 train. ' Oh, Lord Edward, I have lost my bag.' 
 4 Not the bag ? ' ' Yes, the bag. What shall I 
 do ? All my money and jewels are in it.' I 
 ask where she saw it last, and she says she 
 put jit down in one of the saloons, and when 
 she looked round it was gone. I rush to the 
 saloon which she indicates and search, with no 
 result. 
 
 Mrs. Despard always reminds me of the hero in 
 Jerome's Stageland, only he is always in trouble 
 about his title deeds, and she about her bag, 
 and consequently her keys. 
 
 The adventures of the bag, if properly written, 
 would be as exciting as any romance. It has 
 travelled by itself, hotly pursued by telegrams 
 and letters, all over the world. Every trans- 
 port official knows and dreads that small oblong
 
 GOING ON BOARD 281 
 
 of blue morocco. Chiefs of police and even 
 Ministers of State have passed sleepless nights 
 during its periods of fugue. It looks innocent 
 enough ; in fact it is prepossessing, but it con- 
 tains more original sin, according to Mrs. Despard, 
 than its limited cubic content renders it possible 
 to believe. It was, unfortunately for all of us, 
 the gift of a deceased friend, who probably had 
 a weak heart and died of the anxiety it caused 
 her. It is therefore sacred, and even in one's 
 moments of most deadly hostility one dares 
 not think of destroying it. In virtue of its 
 sacred character, it is still trusted by its would-be 
 keeper as if it had not already on countless occa- 
 sions betrayed its trust. It invariably, when 
 lost, contains Mrs. Despard's keys, her most 
 private letters, some addresses which (though 
 not wanted) she can never get again, and a 
 variety of small feminine possessions, I fancy 
 not unconnected with resisting that, to the female 
 mind, greatest disfigurement, a shiny nose. When 
 telegraphing a description of its contents, these 
 are included in some general term. I usually 
 describe them as ' other small articles,' but 
 every acting aide-de-camp has used a different 
 phrase, down to poor little Parley in the Lancers, 
 who boldly described them in French c des poufs 
 pour poudrer la contenantsS thus giving the finish- 
 ing blow to the already impaired sanity of an 
 overworked station-master. 
 
 In addition to its truant characteristics, it has 
 a power of self-concealment I have never seen 
 equalled. It gets behind chairs and under seats
 
 282 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 a newspaper affords it cover, and I have known 
 it completely blotted out by a book half its 
 size. Anyhow, it is not in the saloon nor the 
 music room, nor on the upper deck. I feel a 
 wild idea of searching the engines, when Mrs. 
 Despard gives vent to a cry at once joyful and 
 vindictive. 
 
 4 There it is ! ' she says excitedly, pointing to 
 the bag. ' Do you see that man is carrying it 
 away ? Oh, Lord Edward, do run after him 
 and stop him ! ' I dash down the wrong com- 
 panion, tear madly round, and emerge, after 
 severely injuring some of the less agile passengers, 
 at the top of the ladder. I rush down and, 
 accompanied by X and a stray customs official, 
 jump into a boat, gain the quay, and give chase 
 to the robber, who appears to be a respectably 
 dressed old Jew. I am not as young as I was, 
 but in the excitement of the chase I do my 
 250 yards in a very creditable time. As I come 
 up, the old gentleman is tottering into one of 
 the houses of business fronting the harbour. 
 
 I touch him on the shoulder and pant out, 
 ' I want that bag, please.' 
 
 He turns half round and his face goes a greyish 
 green horrible to see, and he begins literally 
 squealing for help. Three or four more Jews of 
 various ages rush out of the house, and, as the 
 old gentleman falls back in the arms of the 
 stoutest of them, I realise with horror that, 
 though like it in a superficial way, it is not Mrs. 
 Despard's bag.
 
 GOING ON BOARD 283 
 
 ' What you want ? Who devil are you ? ' 
 says the second stoutest Jew in rather a nervous 
 way. 
 
 I say lamely it was a mistake. I thought 
 the old gentleman had taken my bag by mistake 
 as I had lost it. 
 
 ' You have no right playing silly things on 
 my father, who is very rich and does not steal 
 bags,' says the fattest Jew sternly, as he places 
 his father in a chair which has been brought for 
 him. ' My father is a weak heart, and if he die 
 you murder him and be hanged and damages,' 
 says the youngest and least podgy scion of 
 Israel excitedly. 
 
 This is too awful. I, crimson with shame, 
 produce my card, which I hand to the fattest, 
 again apologise, and walk away with the air of 
 a detected card-sharper, followed by my mystified 
 myrmidons, who, I think, now share the obvi- 
 ous view of the Israelites, that I have been 
 imbibing too freely at an early hour. I arrive 
 back at the ship, to find Mrs. Despard sitting 
 comfortably in a chair in the cool breeze, with 
 the bag beside her. She reproaches me with 
 having been too hasty, as the moment I 
 started she saw it was not the bag, which, it 
 appears, was found in her cabin on her bed, 
 though who put it there, as she says, is a com- 
 plete mystery. 
 
 And here I briefly note the adventures on this 
 journey of The Bag. 
 
 Lost at Port Said.
 
 284 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Lost on ship under Mrs. X's skirts. 
 
 Lost to Apache, Marseilles. 
 
 Left behind in Paris. 
 
 Lost on boat. 
 
 Goes on to London alone.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 DINNER ON BOARD 
 
 DINNER on the * first night on board a ship is 
 always trying. It is, as it almost always is, 
 rather rough off the Egyptian coast, and we all, 
 so to speak, come to dinner making our reserves 
 and without prejudice to any future action on 
 our part. Tommy and I are unlucky enough 
 to arrive early, and therefore have to take a 
 more or less active part in the acrimonious dis- 
 cussion which takes place between Mrs. H. and 
 the head steward with reference to our table, 
 which, though it was the one she chose originally, 
 does not meet with her approval. In vain does 
 the worn-out and perspiring head steward explain 
 that it is impossible to change it now. She says 
 she will not sit at a table where she will get all 
 the smell of the kitchen, be in a draught, and 
 served last. 
 
 The steward limply points out that it is 
 nowhere near the kitchen, that there is just 
 the same draught elsewhere, and that it is not 
 served last. Mrs. H., who, I feel sure, prides 
 herself on being firm, says that it is practically 
 in the kitchen, that one cannot keep one's seat 
 for the draught, and that it is not served at all ; 
 
 265
 
 286 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 and she appeals to us to back her up. Tommy 
 and I care, in the first place, not a scrap where 
 we sit, and, secondly, rather like the table, and, 
 thirdly, would sooner sit anywhere than stand 
 up before two hundred people as the supporters 
 of a shrill-voiced woman who is obviously speak- 
 ing to the steward in rather an unpleasant way. 
 However, she prevails, and some wretched people 
 who have done nothing wrong are hustled out 
 of their places to make room for us on the 
 ground that there was a mistake, which no one 
 believes. 
 
 As a matter of fact, we are no better off than 
 we were, and there are distinct signs of a brewing 
 row with the huge family whom we have dis- 
 possessed. 
 
 Mrs. H. is, however, triumphant, and I think 
 gloomily that it will be like this the whole way 
 to London. Taking a journey with Mrs. H. 
 is like travelling with the Flying Dutchman ; 
 one moves in a perpetual storm of small un- 
 pleasantnesses. 
 
 I manage, however, to sit next to Mrs. Despard, 
 and the two other seats besides those occupied 
 by our party are filled by Mrs. Somberley and 
 her sister, Miss Harlane. Mrs. H. makes a 
 desperate attempt to place me between the 
 sisters, but I am firm and say that this is my 
 place. H. is placed between the sisters, and 
 he deserves it for marrying Mrs. H. 
 
 Mrs. Despard, of course, comes late. It appears 
 she mislaid her bag, and it took her a long time to 
 find it. She then inquires, as a matter of course,
 
 DINNER ON BOARD 287 
 
 who Sophy has been having a row with, and is 
 mildly amused at my account of it. 
 
 Meanwhile Mrs. H. has been letting H. have 
 a bad time of it. She won't have any food, 
 as it is so ill cooked ; she cannot get the brand 
 of champagne she wants, and she cannot re- 
 member its name, and she finally rises to her 
 feet saying she has such a headache, and goes 
 on deck, where H. has to accompany her. How- 
 ever, she goes, which is the main point, and 
 the dinner ends better than it began. We 
 then start talking about ships and their virtues 
 and vices. Mrs. Despard has always some- 
 thing original to impart, and now tells us all 
 about a ship which is, as far as I can make 
 out, rather too big to navigate anything but 
 the Atlantic, which the Germans are building 
 to invade England with. She explains to a 
 breathless audience that it draws thirty-five 
 fathoms, is four hundred yards long, and is 
 only kept steady by turning round and round. 
 I know better than to question her facts, but I 
 think I recognise the gyroscope in the last descrip- 
 tion. Tommy, who does not know her well, is 
 impressed, and asks her quite seriously if the 
 turning round is not uncomfortable. She replies 
 serenely, * No, it is just like a rifle bullet,' which 
 settles him, for if you come to think of it, one 
 has never heard if a rifle bullet is comfortable 
 or not. At this point H. returns. His dinner 
 consists to-night of soup and fruit, which is a 
 nice light diet. 
 
 He immediately launches out into one of his
 
 288 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 anecdotes. It is about ships, at least a ship 
 he once travelled on. It appears he once went 
 from Malta to Athens in a boat which was 
 built of steel and had two masts and two 
 funnels, and went about 12 knots, and there 
 was a deck on the top and cabins below, and 
 there was a bowsprit in front and a rudder 
 behind and engines. In fact it would form an 
 excellent article for a cheap dictionary, explaining 
 the word c steamboat, see also steamship.' He 
 crushes the conversation, as he usually does. In 
 conversation, unless it is the dialogue of a smart 
 play, each remark must or should have some 
 bearing on the last ; and if you tell a story 
 or make a long remark about which nothing 
 can be said but profane oaths which are not 
 admissible, conversation must cease. 
 
 After a pause Tommy starts on ' Stewards I 
 have known.' Of course, the first day at sea one 
 is always near the subject of sea-sickness. I 
 am sure in the prisons in the Terror the con- 
 versation wavered between knives and necks. 
 
 We get on very well at first, and Mrs. Despard 
 says stewards are nearly all old firemen who lose 
 their nerves and become stewards, and the 
 companies prefer it because they can always 
 put the passengers out if necessary, which is of 
 course true in a sense. Tommy, more impressed 
 than ever, says it must be rather difficult to get 
 so many firemen, but Mrs. D. with her usual 
 skill says, No, because it is safer and the pay 
 is better, which crushes Tommy again. Mrs. 
 Somberley tells us about a mad steward who
 
 DINNER ON BOARD 289 
 
 shaved a nervous old gentleman by force all 
 night, and he came to breakfast next morning 
 as bald as an egg and nearly mad. Miss Harlane, 
 who is romantic, tells us of a Sir Somebody 
 Something, who became a steward and married 
 a millionaire's daughter, when H. flattens us 
 out by telling us of a steward he had going 
 from Gib to London, who was an ex-soldier 
 and was five foot six high, with brown hair, 
 and he was quite a decent valet and kept the 
 cabins quite as clean as one could expect, and 
 ate meat and drank a little beer and said ' thank- 
 you, sir,' when you tipped him. 
 
 After this even Tommy can think of nothing 
 more to say, so we go depressedly on deck. 
 After a dreary struggle up and down the deck, 
 we assure one another that the weather is 
 getting better and that the wind is drop- 
 ping ; which is manifestly not the case. We 
 then reel below to our stuffy cabins, to pass 
 the night as best we may. I order a stiff brandy 
 and soda, drink it, and get into bed as quickly 
 as I can, wedging myself in with the pillows to 
 avoid literally taking a leap in the dark, and 
 sink into a heavy sleep.
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 AT SEA: MORNING 
 
 THERE is no sensation more luxurious than the 
 feeling of rest and freedom which comes when 
 one first starts on leave ; and it is in the morning 
 when one first recovers consciousness that this 
 feeling is sweetest. For the first few moments 
 one is not sure where one is, and then one begins 
 to realise that one is in a ship and that leave 
 has really begun. I can only compare it to the 
 feeling of convalescence. The load is lifted 
 from one's shoulders. One need no longer 
 rack one's brain to find combinations to meet 
 hopeless situations. It is no longer one's fate 
 to listen to endless grievances and complaints, 
 to adjust ever-recurring quarrels, to carry on 
 that ceaseless war against red tape and slack- 
 ness. One is freed for the time from the anxieties 
 of that perpetual game of political card spillikins 
 one has to play in Egypt. Foreign interests, 
 British interests, Missionary interests, Mahom- 
 medan interests, Coptic interests, Greek interests, 
 Jewish interests, Turkish interests, Sudan in- 
 terests, Khedivial interests, are among the cards 
 one must not disturb as one pulls out the card 
 one wants ; and is not there trouble if any other 
 does just get stirred ! Moreover, if from long 
 
 290
 
 AT SEA : MORNING 291 
 
 practice and bitter experience one can get 
 through one's own moves fairly well, what about 
 one's subordinates ? One never goes to bed 
 without the uneasy consciousness that one may 
 find oneself the next morning in a sea of diffi- 
 culties, owing to the whole-hearted but mis- 
 placed zeal of the newest- joined inspector. The 
 worst part of it is that, to continue the card 
 spillikin metaphor, it is impossible to see before- 
 hand how many interests one will affect by 
 touching any particular subject. 
 
 Then, again, all those awful personal questions 
 are temporarily out of the way the rows, 
 squabbles, petty jealousies and intrigues in which 
 one lives. 
 
 One is no longer a servant, one can sleep when 
 one likes, eat when one likes, and play when 
 one likes. 
 
 I can feel, too, on this particular occasion that 
 it is a fine morning. The ship is only rolling 
 very slightly and lazily, just enough to dull 
 the vibration of the screw. The port-hole is 
 open, and the fresh sea breeze is blowing on my 
 face. 
 
 At this point the steward enters with my 
 tea, or what is supposed to be tea, and I decide 
 to have my bath at once before the rush, so as 
 to avoid having to wait. My decision is partly 
 due to the fact that further sleep is out of the 
 question, owing to the noise which is now going 
 on on deck just over my head. 
 
 It is said to be caused by cleaning the decks, 
 but this is hard to believe. Judging by one's
 
 292 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 hearing, one man is beating the deck hard with 
 something like a glorified wet towel, another 
 is doing a step-dance of a complicated character 
 to express his satisfaction, whilst others pump 
 on them with the hose. Periodically the rest 
 of the crew get tired of this and drag the two 
 men away on their backs. Then somebody 
 suggests that a race round the ship would be 
 fun, and starts the competitors with a singu- 
 larly harsh whistle. 
 
 I get out of bed, and wrapping myself in my 
 dressing-gown, proceed to my bath, which is 
 difficult to find, as it is well concealed, and none 
 of the people you meet take any interest in the 
 subject. I arrive just in time to see the last 
 vacant bath seized by a yellow-looking Indian 
 colonel, and I resign myself to wait in the narrow 
 alley-way, my only amusement being to avoid 
 having my toes stamped on by passing stewards' 
 and others. It is often very hard to find a bath, 
 especially on one of the older boats. I remember 
 a most respectable old gentleman, a pillar of his 
 parish church, and all that was desirable, telling 
 me he looked for one for three days with no 
 success until, feeling that an exceptional effort 
 must be made in the interests of hygiene, after 
 many wanderings he found a door on which in 
 the Cimmerian darkness he could just discern 
 the word c bath.' It was, however, obviously 
 occupied, so he patiently waited. He thought 
 he saw the door open a little tiny bit once or 
 twice, but nothing happened. He was, how- 
 ever, resolute, and waited on till at last the
 
 AT SEA: MORNING 293 
 
 door was flung open and Mrs. Colonel Bolger of 
 Ramnugger flounced out and told him what she 
 thought of him. It was the ladies' bath. He, 
 of course, fled, but was reported to the captain 
 and shunned by the rest of the passengers for 
 the remainder of the voyage. 
 
 By this time four other candidates for ablu- 
 tions have ranged themselves alongside me. We 
 don't speak, but wait in gloomy silence, mur- 
 muring occasionally at the awful time people 
 keep the bath. At last an irritable gentleman, 
 No. 2 on the list, rattles fiercely at the door 
 opposite. 
 
 A moment later the door opens, and the colonel 
 stalks out majestically. We all feel like school- 
 boys caught doing something they ought not, 
 and I am sure the man next me murmurs some- 
 thing about its not being him. 
 
 However, the bath is cleaned up in a perfunc- 
 tory way and I get in. 
 
 Washing on an old-fashioned boat like this is 
 an art. In the first place, your bath is filled with 
 what is supposed to be sea water, and a small 
 tub of what is in theory fresh water is placed on 
 a shelf across it. As a matter of fact, both 
 liquids, as one's olfactory nerves inform one, 
 contain a good many of the coal-tar and petro- 
 leum products as well. The result is that the 
 floor of the bath is like a butter slide, and many 
 a nasty fall has one had by not getting in care- 
 fully. I have never quite made out how one 
 ought to wash. I think standing up, with soap 
 and the fresh water first, and then soak in the
 
 294 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 sea water, but I am never sure. I only know 
 that the complicated arrangement marked 
 ' shower douche wave ' should never be touched 
 except by a professional engineer. Once in my 
 young and reckless days I gave myself a shower 
 of boiling water, and on another occasion I 
 touched the tap (it was in January) and an ice- 
 cold three-inch jet of water hit me where my 
 thick woollen waistcoat would have been if I 
 had known it was going to do it. 
 
 To-day, however, I feel so light-hearted that 
 even a bath of diluted engine oil in an evil-smell- 
 ing box seems delightful, and I sally forth in 
 the best of tempers. 
 
 Luckily I took very careful note of the way I 
 came, and after a brisk ten minutes' walk am 
 back in my cabin, which, by the way, I find 
 afterwards is only 20 feet from the bathroom, 
 if one went by a different route from the one I 
 chose. 
 
 Dressing and shaving accomplished, I make 
 my way on deck. It is a perfect morning, 
 with a cloudless sky and a rippling sea of deepest 
 blue. It is fresh, but with that pleasant, in- 
 describable promise of heat in the air. 
 
 One drawback is that, owing to the mysteri- 
 ous operations I listened to earlier, everything 
 is dripping wet, so one cannot sit down, but I 
 don't want to. To complete my happiness, on 
 rounding a corner I find Mrs. Despard, looking 
 as if she was the very spirit of morning herself. 
 She pretends to be astonished at my getting up 
 so early (she never gets up till ten on land), and
 
 AT SEA : MORNING 295 
 
 declares that we must take a proper constitutional, 
 as it will be too hot to do anything in the middle 
 of the day. This project we carry out with 
 occasional pauses to lean over the bulwarks and 
 look into the swirling, dancing, blue and white 
 water beneath. It is perfectly delightful, and 
 I am just explaining my views on some very 
 interesting subject Mrs. Despard's higher intel- 
 lectual self, I think when I become aware that 
 there is a crumple in my roseleaf , something wrong, 
 something wanting. I analyse mentally, and at 
 once recognise that it is an effect of the body 
 on the mind. It is hunger not your nice civilised 
 appetite, not that delicate intimation which is 
 sent to your brain that a little light refreshment 
 would be agreeable, but good, honest, barbarian 
 hunger, a craving, empty feeling, an imperious 
 demand for immediate supplies. I have up to 
 now been in, so to speak, the higher mental 
 atmosphere, and this sudden and irresistible tug 
 earthwards is distressing. I hope above all 
 things that Mrs. Despard may not notice it. 
 Women are so quick. After all, the body is 
 subordinate to the mind. Do not faquirs sit on 
 sharp nails for years without losing their out- 
 ward composure ? Though, of course, in such a 
 case one wonders if there is a mind. 
 
 Anyhow, by an effort of will I disregard the 
 4 base cravings of the moulded dust.' I fear, 
 however, that my conversation is deteriorating. 
 I notice Mrs. Despard is losing interest, and 
 instead of turning those wonderful eyes full of 
 inquiry or comprehension on my humble self,
 
 296 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 she is looking absently away. Covertly I look 
 at my watch. Thank goodness, only three 
 minutes to breakfast ! What an insane idea it 
 is to have breakfast at nine ! I believe it is 
 mere pandering to the tastes of these desiccated, 
 over-curried Indians. At this moment a bell 
 strikes. ' What is that ? ' says Mrs. Despard. 
 4 1 mean what time is it ? ' ' Nine,' I begin, 
 when it strikes me that one bell is only half-past 
 eight. Horrible thought ! It is that beastly 
 clock ; they have been putting it back. It is 
 an odious trick they have now to put it back 
 during the night. 'Isn't breakfast at nine ? ' 
 says Mrs. Despard in a detached way. ' Yes,' 
 I say, ' but I am afraid I was wrong ; it is only 
 half-past eight.' ' Oh,' says Mrs. Despard, in 
 tones of dismay, ' what am I to do ? I am 
 simply famishing.' I suggest kindly that I 
 might get her some biscuits and, without wait- 
 ing for her answer, descend the stairs five steps 
 at a time. I believe it is against all the ancient 
 laws and regulations for a prisoner, I mean a 
 passenger, to ask for biscuits, but my eye is so 
 wild and my jaw so determined, that the steward 
 feels that if I cannot get biscuits I may resort 
 to cannibalism to assuage my pangs, and hastily 
 produces some which, after placing a certain 
 number in my pocket in case more are wanted 
 later, I bear in triumph to the deck, and we are 
 soon both munching, in spite of the peculiarly 
 sea-sodden flavour which all biscuits on board 
 a ship have got. 
 
 Of course, after this the conversation becomes
 
 AT SEA : MORNING 297 
 
 more material. One cannot be sentimental or 
 highly intellectual with one's mouth full, but we 
 both feel a great danger is overpast. 
 
 However, when the breakfast bell rings, we 
 are by no means indifferent. 
 
 In the saloon we are joined by H. Mrs. H. 
 does not appear till later, still suffering from 
 the effects of yesterday. He naturally destroys 
 conversation, but, as we both want to eat a 
 serious breakfast without being distracted, this 
 is just as well, and even H. has some merits, 
 of which one is not talking at breakfast. The 
 only excitement about this breakfast beyond 
 other breakfasts is that it has certain dishes I 
 have never seen elsewhere. There are things 
 with names like Welsh pie and Smashpot, which 
 are all out of tins and all taste the same, but 
 one takes them out of curiosity. In fact, every- 
 thing does taste the same, except various excel- 
 lent curries and the butter, which tastes like 
 what they call on musical programmes a 'pot 
 pourri ' of the larder. 
 
 After breakfast Mrs. Despard declares we must 
 sit down and solemnly read serious works. She 
 has brought a philosophic work. I know it. 
 It is Pluffenheim's Integral Concepts. Charles 
 Rainsford, her great literary friend, gave it to 
 her four years ago, and she got to page 28 the 
 first week and has been there ever since ; at 
 least she was still at it a month ago. I once 
 pointed out that this page was getting a different 
 colour from exposure to the weather, and we 
 had quite a coolness for a fortnight.
 
 298 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 I must go and get my ' stodge,' which is a 
 new work on currency some one sent me the 
 other day. Bloresby, our expert on these sub- 
 jects, told me it would startle me, which I am 
 bound to say it has only done once, and that 
 was when it fell off a table. 
 
 We soon settle down in our chairs, and I 
 make up my mind to begin Chapter III, c Tokens.' 
 I read the first paragraph and look up. Mrs. 
 Despard is not playing fair. She holds the 
 book open, it is true, but she is looking over 
 the top of it with a rapt expression. Is she 
 puzzling out the master's last great thought ? 
 She turns her head and says, c Oh, Lord 
 Edward, what is twelve metres at five and 
 elevenpence a yard ? ' I work it out. ' I 
 think it is 3, 16s. lid.' 'Yes,' she says, 
 1 it was not really cheap,' and looks back at 
 her book. 
 
 I resume my reading, and read the first para- 
 graph over again and then the second, when I 
 become attracted by the shape of the sun flecks 
 on the sea. I wonder why they are that shape ; 
 is it because ... I regain consciousness to 
 find H. is shaking me and saying, ' Hi, hi, time 
 for luncheon.' 
 
 When I have washed my hands, I make my 
 way to the saloon. On the companion I meet 
 Tommy, who has a wild look in his eye. ' Ned,' 
 he says in impressive tones, ' I have been having 
 
 the H of a time.' 4 How ? ' I ask. 4 That 
 
 Mrs. H. is a sweet soul. First she wanted 
 to go on the bridge, and pestered me till I asked
 
 AT SEA: MORNING 299 
 
 the captain, who was rude to me. Then she 
 wanted to go on the boat deck, and I asked the 
 chief officer and he was rude to me. Then she 
 sat on a coiled hawser until the third officer, 
 who held me responsible, was rude to me. 
 Then she made me move her chair round 
 and round till people thought I was doing 
 it for a bet, then she sent me to fetch three 
 separate things she had all the time in her 
 d d work bag. Then she wanted a chop at 
 twelve, and I saw the chief steward and he 
 was rude to me, and if I have any more of 
 her I shall go mad, mad, mad ! ' This last 
 delivered in a highly theatrical manner, with 
 disastrous results on a nervous old lady who, 
 coming round the corner suddenly on Tommy, 
 gives a faint scream and scuttles away like a 
 rabbit. 
 
 We discuss whether we should go after her, 
 but Tommy says, No, never chase a frightened 
 horse, and old ladies are the same; so we go 
 down to luncheon, to find the whole party 
 rather under the weather. Mrs. H. is giving 
 H. what we used to call ' socks, 5 because he 
 did not look after her this morning, which 
 makes it awkward for every one else. 
 
 The lunch is like the breakfast ; the names 
 are wonderful, but the food tastes exactly the 
 same. I am sure that any one who disbelieved 
 in the universal source of matter would be con- 
 verted by this food. You have galantine and 
 mutton and chicken and ham and beef all 
 tasting exactly alike.
 
 300 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 After a time Mrs. H., having said all she has 
 to say about her grievance, goes on deck, and 
 we get into the usual discussion of how long it 
 takes to go from Port Said to the Straits of 
 Messina, about which we are all positive, and 
 all more or less wrong.
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 AT SEA: AFTERNOON 
 
 AFTER lunch we make no pretence about it, but 
 all retire for a siesta. One idiocy which the 
 East breaks us of is the childish shame we have 
 in England of going to sleep in the daytime. 
 Where the idea comes from it is hard to imagine, 
 but all Englishmen regard sleeping in the day- 
 time as an unjustifiable and shameful thing to 
 do. One can understand the popular and uni- 
 versal prejudice against watchmen and sentries 
 sleeping when on duty ; but why an idle man, 
 whose most harmless moments are probably 
 passed in slumber, should conceal the fact that 
 he has been asleep, I cannot imagine. 
 
 Even after shooting or hunting, men will 
 only admit to a nap in a chair. I suspect it 
 was supposed to show that one was a weakly 
 creature, or perhaps there is some forgotten 
 superstition connected with it. Anyhow, the 
 notion of deliberately undressing and lying on 
 one's bed fast asleep after lunch for an hour 
 or more would shock most untravelled English- 
 men profoundly. I love it, if it is not too hot, 
 and it certainly makes all the difference to one's 
 wellbeing if one can do it. 
 
 When I come on deck again the world is taking 
 
 301
 
 302 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 exercise, which either consists of that weary 
 prisoners' tramp up and down the deck, or of 
 joining in one of those painful games which are 
 inflicted on one on these occasions. Mrs. H. 
 has just been evicted from the place which she 
 had chosen for her chair, across the deck quoit 
 pitch, by an obdurate quartermaster, and has 
 now made H. put it where it is most incon- 
 venient for the promenaders, and is complain- 
 ing generally of the hopeless selfishness of the 
 human race. I avoid games on board ship as 
 the devil does holy water ; so I join X, and 
 we commence our tramp up and down, with 
 that broken, jerky conversation which is pro- 
 duced by having to steer through or round 
 couples coming the other way, like an endless 
 first figure of the Lancers. Detectives say that 
 finding out crimes is dull work as a rule, because 
 ninety-nine out of a hundred are exactly like 
 others one has known. The criminal types are 
 comparatively few, and the individuals resemble 
 each other closely, so that, given similar circum- 
 stances, they will take the same line, endeavour 
 to conceal their acts in the same way and make 
 the same mistakes. Steamer folk follow the 
 same law. One meets the same types again 
 and again on these boats, so that even the in- 
 evitable boredom of ship life is rarely lightened 
 by meeting new types of interesting people. 
 
 I am cursed with an excellent trivial memory. 
 I cannot remember that I have to dine with 
 some one, or that I must write a letter of import- 
 ance, but I remember for years what an Indian
 
 AT SEA: AFTERNOON 808 
 
 judge tells me of the difficulty of dealing with 
 the Brahmin, or what the Chinese merchant 
 has to tell me about tea. And I never forget 
 the types I meet or the things they say or do, 
 and on this boat there are plenty of amusing 
 ones. 
 
 I like Miss Arbutley in theory, and to a certain 
 extent in practice. She is nice-looking and 
 dresses neatly, and she has a nice voice, and is 
 always glad to see one and ready to talk. She 
 has, however, views which, though they have 
 changed often, are not apparently approach- 
 ing perfection. I gather that her latest con- 
 version is to what she calls a worship of Pan. 
 At first this sounds to my untutored ear dis- 
 reputable, but on inquiry it appears to mean 
 that we should all be more natural and worship, 
 as she expresses it, great Mother Nature. I 
 cannot picture her as a nymph ; she is too 
 eccentrically dressed and puts mauve powder 
 on her nose, a thing no satyr would admire, I 
 am sure. I have always had a sneaking desire 
 to be natural ; one could tell people what one 
 thinks of their wine, and seize all the nice things 
 for oneself. How pleasant it would be, too, to 
 hit H. hard, where it hurt him, every time he 
 bored one ! Miss Arbutley says it would be a 
 more joyous life for every one to do as they 
 pleased. Now that, speaking altruistically, from 
 H.'s point of view, I doubt. I cannot imagine 
 even the greatest enthusiasm would make him 
 like being kicked by every one who could do 
 so with impunity, and even Miss Arbutley
 
 804 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 would, I am sure, dislike my scrubbing her face 
 with a wet handkerchief to see if the mauve 
 would come off, or whether it is a dye, which 
 is my present natural longing. Poor dear, her 
 naturalness is like Marie Antoinette's rusticity. 
 She would like mentally to milk well-trained 
 cows into silver buckets, and dance with silken 
 dressed shepherds afterwards. How the mere 
 sight of fierce, cruel, dirty, selfish nature would 
 upset her ! However, what the South Sea Island 
 king explained to his people about the bishop 
 viz. : he talked very fiercely but did not mean 
 what he said is true of her, for on the arrival 
 of the inevitable H., who, I am sure, belongs 
 to a secret sect for the suppression of human 
 intercourse, she pretends to be pleased, and is 
 led away by him to play one of those thrilling 
 games provided for the passengers, which con- 
 sists in throwing rings of rope into a bucket. 
 H., however, makes it more amusing than it 
 usually is, by flinging his rings with vicious 
 force at various harmless individuals, who are 
 only very comparatively in the direction of 
 the bucket. I am glad he lands one of the 
 gilt-edged officers a nasty clip on the jaw, 
 especially as he apologises by saying he never 
 noticed him, but I regret his hitting an old 
 gentleman, for whom I have already a deep 
 sympathy, on the nape of the neck. Ever 
 since I came aboard that unhappy old person, 
 who is afflicted with severe lameness, and a 
 bespectacled daughter of forbidding and earnest 
 appearance, has been hunted from pillar to post,
 
 AT SEA: AFTERNOON 305 
 
 or, to be nautical, from funnel to mast. He is 
 moved by his daughter, who does it in a practical 
 and rather violent way, obviously regretting 
 the time lost to her by this function from the 
 study of statistics of the moral condition of 
 India, or whatever deadly subject she is im- 
 mersed in. On each occasion he says plain- 
 tively, ' Amelia, I think perhaps I had better 
 move,' when he is whirled away to a new scene 
 of helpless suffering with his chair, sticks, 
 cushions, shawls, etc. He came on deck early, 
 and no sooner was he established than they 
 turned the hose on his feet on the pretext of 
 washing the deck. He had scarcely been placed 
 in a safe position on the other side of the deck, 
 when he was again inundated. Rescued from 
 a watery deck, he is no sooner partially dried, 
 than he is moved in order to let an odoriferous 
 gentleman of colour play at polishing some 
 brass work against which his chair is resting. 
 Hardly removed to another spot, when a small 
 boy and an obvious amateur paints him and a 
 piece of iron work in his vicinity impartially. 
 Spotted but unruffled, he next is placed in a 
 position in which he interferes with the putting 
 up of the awnings, and men with naked feet 
 walk about all over him. 
 
 u
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 AT SEA: EVENING 
 
 THERE is something particularly unpleasant 
 about rough weather at sea when the tempera- 
 ture is high. The only pleasure in, or com- 
 pensation for, rough weather in the north is that 
 it is bracing and invigorating, and when that 
 solitary advantage is taken away rough weather 
 has no recommendation. 
 
 I explain this to Tommy as we shoot out of 
 the companion into the sticky darkness, slip 
 up and sit down in beautiful time, but too loud, 
 like a black Sudanese band. We struggle to 
 our feet, saying what we think of rubber shoes 
 on a wet deck. Tommy expresses his opinion 
 that two inches of his spine must be projecting 
 out of the top of his head, when the door of the 
 companion again opens and Mesdames D. and 
 H., as the playbills say, bound out and fling 
 themselves into our arms, or perhaps more 
 literally our waistcoats. When one reads of a 
 woman flinging herself into a man's arms it 
 sounds romantic. In real life it hurts. Mrs. 
 D. arrives shoulder first, and in fighting par- 
 lance bags my wind. She then says 4 Oh ! ' 
 stamps twice on my toe (the sore one), seizes 
 
 306
 
 AT SEA: EVENING 307 
 
 my hat with one hand and my tie with the 
 other, thus bonneting me and strangling me 
 in one motion, as they say in the drill books. 
 Out of the eye which is not obscured by my 
 hat I can see, by the light coming from the 
 companion door, Tommy hanging on to the 
 bulwarks whilst Mrs. H. is apparently trying 
 to throw him overboard. (The deck lights are 
 out, as the electric light has gone wrong.) At 
 this moment, with the inconsistency of their 
 sex, the two ladies suddenly try to stagger 
 backwards, and are only restrained by severe 
 physical exertions on our part ; again changing, 
 they fling themselves upon us with renewed 
 energy. 
 
 After a few moments of this awful struggle 
 the rolling becomes temporarily less violent, 
 and we get the ladies to the bulwarks, where 
 they can hold on to inanimate objects that we 
 trust don't suffer as we do in the process. 
 
 It is decided to get some chairs in a sheltered 
 spot, and tie them there and then put the ladies 
 into them, and this we do after incredible struggles 
 and suppressed profanity. We then wrap the 
 rugs round the ladies and anchor ourselves in 
 the vicinity, while it is explained to us how rough 
 we are. Tommy meekly agrees, but says the 
 treatment he has received will be a warning to 
 him never to do it again ; and asks me what a 
 broken back feels like. 
 
 It is rather a fine sight, now that our eyes are 
 accustomed to the darkness, as the sea is semi- 
 phosphorescent, and in the dim light the huge
 
 308 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 waves look huger and more tumbled and tor- 
 mented by the howling wind. 
 
 Where we are, we are out of .the wind and in 
 comparative calm and quiet, and we begin 
 talking. 
 
 In the dark one either talks very well, very 
 foolishly, or not at all. In this case Tommy 
 begins telling us of his adventures in the South 
 Sudan, and he lies well. Not that all or even a 
 quarter of what he says is untrue, only the 
 probable parts. That is one of the most irri- 
 tating things that exist the improbability of 
 truth. I have had to modify some of my best 
 stories, because you simply could not believe 
 them. In this case, as usual, the audience accept 
 Tommy's nights of imagination with enthu- 
 siasm, and question his facts with evident 
 disbelief. It is amusing to watch with what 
 skill women cover their ignorance. They are 
 forced, poor things, to listen to men talking 
 about all sorts and kinds of subjects which they 
 can know little or nothing about, and they 
 become marvellously skilful at appearing to 
 follow with interest a series of words which 
 can mean little or nothing to them. Some- 
 times I believe they follow your ideas from your 
 expression and manner, as children do, and not 
 by the words you use. It is very likely a surer 
 way of exchanging ideas and impressions than 
 the artificial code we have devised. I don't 
 mean that women are necessarily more ignorant 
 than men, but that they show it less. 
 
 Tommy has really a great talent for descrip-
 
 AT SEA: EVENING 309 
 
 tion, and he makes our flesh creep with his 
 picture of those awful marshes where the steam- 
 ing temperature never changes night or day, 
 and the extent of your view is always bounded 
 by the high grass round you, and where you 
 hear, not see, the unknown enemies moving 
 round you, and the sullen pools are full of foul 
 reptiles, and the torture of the mosquito never 
 ceases. We are all impressed, when the effect 
 is spoilt by the arrival of H. on all fours. Whether 
 he has been in that position since he came on 
 deck I don't know, but that is how he joins the 
 party. He anchors himself to his wife's chair, 
 and in three minutes has destroyed the charm 
 of the scene. 
 
 He asks Tommy what pay one gets there, 
 and if he tried Bolger's syrup for fever. Then, 
 in spite of the obvious disapproval of the com- 
 pany, tells us how he once nearly went to West 
 Africa, and did not, worse luck ! 
 
 After enduring this, not because we are gifted 
 with any undue measure of fortitude, but because 
 we are averse to moving, we decide mentally 
 that we would sooner face the fury of the elements 
 than another of H.'s anecdotes, and with much 
 difficulty pilot the ladies back to the com- 
 panion and wish them good-night, whilst in 
 order to pander to T.'s evil habits, as I explain 
 to him, we adjourn to the smoking-room for a 
 drink. 
 
 Here we find the usual small gathering of the 
 society of the ship. The Anglo-Indians are 
 exchanging ideas on their respective provinces,
 
 310 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 and a bridge party are quarrelling over their 
 last rubber. Half a dozen subalterns are dis- 
 cussing their leaves and the meanness of the 
 War Office in that respect. It is not inspirit- 
 ing, and I am nearly dead with sleep, so I totter 
 to my feet and eventually to bed.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 MARSEILLES 
 
 I HATE leaving a ship, other than a Channel 
 steamer. One has usually settled down and got 
 used to the monotony of the life, and no one 
 hustles one or hurries one about. There is plenty 
 of time to do anything, for the longer it takes the 
 more day it fills up. Out of this torpid condi- 
 tion one is suddenly hurled into a French custom- 
 house. Of course the din of unnecessary con- 
 versation, which to the Northern ear is deafen- 
 ing, to one used to Egypt seems like the gentle 
 speech of a taciturn woman. But still it infects 
 one, and we passengers all begin talking in a 
 loud voice about nothing in particular. We 
 also press forward through the throng of officials 
 and others, who seem to be paid by the French 
 Government to hinder and obstruct travellers, 
 for that is all they do. The inevitable Cook's 
 man tries to attend as usual to twelve people 
 at once, and as usual fails. Hotel touts seize 
 weak-minded travellers, and bear them off to 
 hotels which they never meant to go to or even 
 positively dislike. We resign our hand luggage 
 to an elderly and, I trust, reformed Apache, 
 and are taken to the usual comfortless shed 
 where we are to register our luggage, etc. I 
 
 311
 
 312 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 suggest to my companions, that as we know by 
 long experience that no one will think either 
 
 (1) of unloading our baggage from the ship, 
 
 (2) of paying the smallest attention to us when 
 it is unloaded for at least an hour, we should 
 get one of the hotel porters to look after our 
 interests in our absence, and go for a walk or 
 drive to pass the time. We discuss the matter, 
 and I find I am in a minority of one. Tommy 
 has principles and disapproves of walking when 
 he can sit down ; Mrs. D. says she is sure they 
 will send off her luggage, when she is not look- 
 ing, to some awful place ; Mr. H. says he never 
 loses sight of his luggage when travelling, which 
 must be uncomfortable for him, as holds and 
 luggage vans must be horrible places to travel 
 in, and an awful bore for the luggage. I restrain 
 myself from suggesting that he might give his 
 portmanteau a rest to-day as it looks fagged 
 and yellow, and meekly acquiesce. I borrow a 
 chair from a customs clerk who has fallen a 
 victim to Mrs. D., and the rest of us sit on the 
 low barrier table on which the customs officials 
 play at noughts and crosses with the passengers' 
 luggage. Here we sit talking while H. does 
 tours de force in destroying all human interest in 
 each subject as it comes up, and Mrs. H. groans 
 out gloomy prognostications, like an overfed 
 pythoness. 
 
 Time wears away, and instead of increased 
 activity every one seems to be going away. At 
 last Tommy, who is full of latent energy, suggests 
 H. should make inquiries. This is carried out
 
 MARSEILLES 313 
 
 almost unanimously, and he departs on his 
 errand, giving vent to his first Est-ce qiie as he 
 turns the corner of the shed, whilst we settle 
 down to amuse Mrs. D. with considerable success ; 
 even Mrs. H. gives a gloomy smile occasionally 
 as Tommy describes his social experiences (purely 
 imaginary) in India and elsewhere. 
 
 Such happiness is not to last : a warning 
 tray biang from what they call in stage direc- 
 tions ' off,' tells us of the return of our mes- 
 senger, and we behold H. being led back by 
 the irate elderly Apache, who is talking volubly 
 in a broad Marseilles dialect, whilst H., who 
 understands one word in twenty-five, is inter- 
 jecting an occasional tray biang, to pacify the 
 irate foreigner and at the same time, so to speak, 
 keep his end up. The Apache, having restored 
 the wandering sheep to his proper fold or shed, 
 with renewed injunctions for us to wait where 
 we are, departs. I notice that he is even more 
 rollickingly murderous than he was, and I feel 
 a qualm. 
 
 Supposing his naturally astute mind is obscured 
 by clouds of scented alcohol. I suggest this to 
 Tommy, who replies with decision, ' I did not 
 notice any scent, but if you mean that he is 
 very drunk, I agree with you.' 
 
 Once the germ of distrust is implanted in the 
 human heart it grows fast. Up till now we have 
 regarded the Apache as an uncleanly and dis- 
 sipated but beneficent person. 
 
 Mrs. D. is now sure we are in the wrong place, 
 and may have missed a train and lost our luggage.
 
 314 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 We proceed in a body till we find a person 
 of consequence in uniform, but he declines to 
 speak or interrupt the train of reflection which 
 is passing through his mind. He merely points 
 to another shed and turns away. We march on, 
 every one explaining how sure they were that we 
 were in the wrong shed but did not like to say so. 
 
 At this moment it all flashes on me : instead, 
 as I thought, of being under the protecting 
 care of one whose past life, though regrettable, 
 enabled him more effectually to defend our 
 interests, we are the sport of the whims of a 
 brain steeped in alcohol. We therefore, that is 
 Tommy and I, appeal to a gentleman in uniform, 
 who characteristically declines to answer and 
 walks away. 
 
 We try another and yet another until we 
 despair. We only want to know what to do, 
 but we can get no help. We are pariahs. It 
 is an excellent instance of the results of keep- 
 ing bad company, as I explain to Tommy. 
 
 Our tempers begin to go, especially as our 
 female fellow travellers begin to point out how 
 sure they have always been that we were doing 
 the wrong thing the wrong way with the wrong 
 people. The Apache has now subsided into an 
 alcoholic stupor on my cabin trunk. 
 
 At this point an unusually well-dressed official 
 appears and demands with stern ferocity what 
 we are doing here. We explain. He declines 
 our explanation, and says we must go away 
 at once. We agree joyfully, but are crushed 
 by his ukase that our luggage must remain.
 
 MARSEILLES 315 
 
 Why ? we ask timidly. With growing in- 
 dignation he tells us loudly because it has 
 not been examined by the customs officers. 
 We implore him to inform us how we can get 
 this done. He, speaking still louder, says we 
 cannot get this done, as the time has passed 
 for the examination of the baggage of pas- 
 sengers from this steamship, and in this he 
 is confirmed by a small crowd of officials, 
 porters and loafers, who have assembled round 
 us, and who all talk at once. 
 
 We ask still mildly, by exercising miracles 
 of self-control, what are we then to do ? That, 
 bellows the official, is not his affair. We must 
 go and come back to-morrow. 
 
 But we urge, with a pressure of some thou- 
 sands of pounds to the inch in our boilers, 
 we wish to catch the six o'clock train to Paris, 
 At this he almost screams with rage, and the 
 remainder of the crowd bellow with excitement. 
 We gather that he does not really care whether 
 we go to Paris or elsewhere. As a last chance 
 we point out that in the next shed the passengers 
 of another liner are having their baggage 
 examined, could it not be done there ? This 
 nearly produces an apoplectic fit ; apparently 
 mixing passengers is against every principle 
 he has. It is, to judge by his demeanour, 
 a vile act, with which no honest sub-deputy 
 assistant examiner of customs would stain his 
 reputation and honour. 
 
 Every one now lets himself go, and we all 
 shout and gesticulate.
 
 316 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 Tommy now reveals the true greatness of 
 his character. He strides up to the gibber- 
 ing official, and demands in courteous but 
 firm language to be immediately taken to the 
 Director of Customs, to lodge a complaint 
 of the outrageous way in which two senior 
 officials of the Egyptian Government and two 
 English ladies have been treated. 
 
 Every one pauses and then the discussion 
 is resumed, but our adversary is shaken. One 
 must not treat officials like the general public. 
 His friends reason with him and make sugges- 
 tions. Finally, with a dramatic gesture of 
 despair, he rushes at our baggage, chalks it 
 all over, and says we may go. We thank him 
 profusely and we bow to each other. Every 
 one congratulates us and him, and we feel 
 like the heroes of a duel. Our luggage is 
 whisked away and put on cabs. An outlet 
 for any remains of animosity is found in the 
 Apache, who is abused, arrested, fined and 
 dismissed, or is going to be, which is doubt- 
 less the same thing.
 
 CHAPTER X 
 MARSEILLES TO PARIS 
 
 NEXT to the barbarity of cooping one up on 
 board ship in a cabin wet with fellow sufferers, 
 the most disgraceful relic of the dark ages 
 is the arrangement of a sleeping car. I reflect 
 this sadly as I find myself in a four cabin, of 
 which all the three other berths are occupied. 
 Two of the occupants are standing outside in 
 the passage, gloomily watching the conductor 
 making up what are by a polite fiction called 
 the beds. My co-voyagers are, I imagine from 
 their countenances, at any time of severe and 
 gloomy dispositions, and under the present 
 circumstances they appear to be in their element. 
 They would make excellent models for a his- 
 torical picture Puritans watching the prepara- 
 tions for their own execution. 
 
 By the few hoarse gutturals which they ex- 
 change, I conclude that they are of Scottish 
 origin. I suspect them of being elders who 
 have been to see with their own eyes the horrors 
 of those sinks of iniquity, Nice and Monte 
 Carlo. 
 
 They have certainly not been corrupted into 
 any form of unfitting levity during their visit. 
 
 The fourth victim of overcrowding is not 
 
 317
 
 318 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 there, but a miscellaneous selection of articles 
 scattered carelessly on his berth look foreign. 
 I notice a huge music case. 
 
 As it is impossible to sit in the compartment 
 and the beds are down, we stand in the passage 
 while the train moves slowly out of the station. 
 Luckily we are to have dinner at once, so we 
 totter towards the restaurant car in single file 
 along the narrow passage, banging against the 
 sides and holding on with difficulty, like very 
 drunk Red Indians on the war-path. The 
 march of the column, which Tommy joins in 
 the next car, is checked from time to time by 
 the elders, who are portly men, having to 
 squeeze past other passengers. It is an em- 
 barrassing process, and some people never see 
 that by reason of their stoutness this cannot 
 be done, and they must step back into their 
 cabins. In the case of one old Frenchman, 
 the leading elder sticks, and for a moment it 
 looks as if we should either have to give up our 
 dinner or climb over them. The second elder, 
 however, whose implacable purpose to reach 
 the restaurant any one could read in his eye, 
 solves the matter by pitching forward and 
 driving his companion from his position, leaving 
 the unhappy Frenchman breathless, and I believe 
 permanently dented in front. 
 
 We arrive at last at our destination, to find 
 a perspiring head waiter doing a sort of step 
 dance up and down the car, trying to get people 
 into their proper places. Some people have 
 lost the numbers they were given, others never
 
 MARSEILLES TO PARIS 319 
 
 had them, and the whole car is a scene of rock- 
 ing, bumping confusion. A small but ener- 
 getic boy is struggling with a pile of plates, a 
 bread basket and eight bottles through the 
 mob at the risk of his life. The head waiter 
 has as usual put every one at every one 
 else's table, and this is bitterly resented 
 by the public. One old Australian, finding 
 that he and his wife were placed at opposite 
 ends of the car, has broken out into open 
 mutiny, and has annexed a table for two. ' Dis 
 lady,' says the distracted waiter, ' is not 18, 
 ze is 24.' ' She is more than that, my lad,' 
 says the Australian genially but firmly, ' but 
 we have been together nigh on forty years and 
 we don't separate now.' 
 
 At this excellent sentiment the waiter swears 
 to himself in French, and with a dramatic ges- 
 ture of despair flings the remaining tickets 
 into the air, and retires to the kitchen, presum- 
 ably to commit suicide in the saucepan. 
 
 We sort ourselves, and I find myself at a 
 four table with Mrs. X., Mrs. H. and Tommy, 
 H. having been judiciously ridden off by the 
 latter and placed at a table with the elders, 
 where they can bore each other in peace. 
 
 Dinner on a restaurant car is invariably the 
 same in whatever country you eat it. I always 
 wonder if it has been standardised, and thus 
 an economy effected. They, however, keep up 
 the farce of giving you a menu which, in addi- 
 tion to the vermicelli soup, fish of a peculiar 
 nature which I believe are bred in the engine
 
 320 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 tanks, small slices of wear-resisting beef, eight- 
 legged winners of the chicken Marathon race, 
 and caramel pudding, tells you all sorts of other 
 things. 
 
 I suppose advertisements pay, but why one 
 should decide to buy a steam pump or electric 
 light installation while one is making shots 
 to get something which one doesn't like into 
 one's mouth is a puzzle. Perhaps people of 
 modern ideas in the agony of the moment 
 promise their patron saint a complete electric 
 light plant, instead of the old-fashioned candles, 
 if they ever get out of the car uninjured. 
 
 Mrs. H. under this shaking becomes very 
 violent, and Tommy, who is next her, and 
 I who am opposite, have an exciting time. 
 
 Early in the proceedings she flings a spoon- 
 ful of soup at me, and empties the salt cellar 
 over Tommy. She has, too, a huge drooping 
 plume in her hat, which just touches the bald 
 head of an irritable old Frenchman behind 
 her, who keeps on slapping at the imaginary 
 flies, until he nearly pulls her hat off, and dis- 
 covers his mistake. 
 
 She reminds me of those men at fairs who 
 play four or five instruments at once she 
 soups me, salts Tommy and feathers the old 
 Frenchman all at the same time. 
 
 Soup, which is always a dangerous moment, 
 has passed when the small boy enters with a 
 huge plate of fish. At this moment we take 
 a curve, and he is thrown violently against 
 Mrs. H., whom he partially sits on, still with
 
 MARSEILLES TO PARIS 321 
 
 an expression of rigid despair, holding the dish 
 up as the hot water trickles on to his devoted 
 waistcoat. 
 
 On my return to my compartment, I find 
 the two elders have already occupied their 
 berths and I climb up into mine, where I pro- 
 ceed to go through the various acrobatic feats 
 necessary to undress when lying down in a 
 rocking and jolting train. I have hardly 
 finished, when we hear coming down the passage 
 unusually uncertain steps and the carolling 
 of an Italian air, and our fourth companion 
 arrives. 
 
 He proves to be a rather stoutish gentleman 
 of about thirty, very dark and Italian looking, 
 and having obviously dined very well. 
 
 He wishes all an affectionate good evening 
 in Italian, French, and English, and as an 
 unusually severe jolt occurs at this minute, 
 sits down suddenly on the fatter elder, who 
 gives vent to an exclamation of surprise and 
 pain in no civil tones. Our operatic singer, 
 for so I am sure he is, apologises profusely 
 and insists on shaking hands with the elder, 
 much to that gentleman's wrath. He then 
 pats him affectionately on the shoulder, begs 
 him to be cheerful, and turns to the other 
 pillar of the Scottish Church, and insists on 
 shaking hands with him. ' I don't want,' 
 begins that individual, but seeing that the 
 Italian may at any moment collapse on to him 
 in his turn, he thinks better of it, and grudg- 
 ingly gives him an enormous and unsympathetic 
 
 x
 
 322 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 paw. 4 1 hope now,' he says in his drawling 
 caw, ' we may all be allowed to go to sleep.' 
 The singer does not understand, but breaks 
 into a merry laugh, claps him on the shoulder, 
 informs him he is an original, and starts to 
 climb into his berth. It is a ticklish job, 
 even if one has not passed a convivial evening, 
 and the Italian, though he goes at it with 
 plenty of dash, is a trifle unsteady in his move- 
 ments, with the result that he falls back on 
 elder number one, who fairly bellows with 
 rage. More apologies, and the tenor, full of 
 the milk of human kindness, insists on again 
 shaking hands all round. The elders by this 
 time are in a most unclerical frame of mind, 
 and though I cannot follow their remarks, I 
 gather they are in the nature of a reproof. 
 
 The tenor, for so he is, undismayed and 
 smiling brightly, winks at me, and climbs with 
 praeter-human luck this time successfully into 
 his berth. He then begs to introduce himself. 
 His name is Antonelli, he is an operatic tenor, 
 but I may already know. No ? He is sur- 
 prised, but perhaps I come from far Egypt. 
 Ah, that explains it, because frankly he has 
 had some success, yes, some. Egypt, ah, Egypt, 
 the land of Aida he then bursts into song. 
 
 ' Will you ask that lunatic up there to 
 let us go to sleep,' growls the fat elder queru- 
 lously, whilst the other growls out his intention 
 to complain. * He is in a disgraceful condition 
 and should be ashamed of himself,' he adds. 
 
 I translate the desire for sleep to the signer,
 
 MARSEILLES TO PARIS 328 
 
 who immediately offers to sing a lullaby, which 
 he does. The fat elder presses the button of 
 the electric bell furiously, but this as usual 
 produces no effect at all. I never knew a 
 sleeping car bell that did. The tenor mean- 
 while has unpacked a small bag, the principal 
 contents of which seem to be a sleeping cap of 
 a weird shape, a large spirit flask and a cabinet 
 portrait of a very good-looking lady in very 
 scanty attire. 
 
 This he kisses passionately and then shows to 
 me. I admire it duly. ' What a woman ! Ah, 
 what a dream ! She adores me, but that is 
 the same with them all. A tenor they cannot 
 resist. My faith, they weary me, poor things. 
 But she she is lovely. What eyes ! What a 
 skin ! What a figure ! ' etc. etc. I am glad 
 elders do not understand French. 
 
 The tenor now leans over his berth and insists 
 on showing the photograph to the suffering 
 followers of John Knox below, eliciting furious 
 remonstrances from them, which most unfairly 
 are addressed to me. ' Ah ha, what say they ? 
 They are jealous, the two quaint ones.' I re- 
 monstrate, pointing out that they are reverend 
 gentlemen, and that he is offending them. 
 
 He declines to believe this. All really great 
 men admire the beautiful, he says, and they 
 are therefore not great but metaphorically little. 
 The fatter elder now asks me with weary fury 
 if I cannot stop that intoxicated idiot talking. 
 The tenor, having put away his photograph, 
 tells me of his early life and his leanings towards
 
 324 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 religion, which he found, however, too petty 
 for him. He has nevertheless a great respect 
 for it. Will I assure the two ' clergimans ' 
 of this ? It will comfort them. 
 
 I urge again the propriety of his going to 
 sleep. Not, he says with solemn dignity, 
 without cementing the friendship which has 
 sprung up between us, and which he feels will 
 last our lives. I am sympathetic, I love life, 
 beauty, woman, wine, and all that makes life 
 (hiccup) worth living. I am glad my family 
 cannot hear this character sketch. Not like 
 those black beetles below, for whom he has a 
 deep respect, but they are undoubtedly black 
 beetles. 
 
 He now unscrews the flask, produces a glass 
 and pours out some brandy, only a portion of 
 which reaches its intended destination, the re- 
 mainder descending in an alcoholic spray on 
 the respected ones beneath. 
 
 ' Drink,' says the tenor, ' there is no better 
 brandy. If those black beetles below had been 
 amiable, they too should have shared, for gene- 
 rosity is my failing. I give away all I have, 
 I cannot help it. I am like that, but they 
 what do they know of this beautiful nectar 
 of the (hiccup) gods ? They swill their rough 
 whisky, gin and porter beer, which reduces 
 their muddy brains to a degraded pulp. But 
 you, you are different therefore drink to the 
 divine Massenet or to your love, whoever she 
 is, doubtless superb (hiccup) ! ' 
 
 I accept the brandy with joy, because I see
 
 MARSEILLES TO PARIS 325 
 
 that a very little more liquor will reduce our 
 king of song to a quiescent state. My hopes 
 are quickly fulfilled as the tenor takes a long 
 pull at the flask, and after an ineffectual attempt 
 at song, falls into a heavy sleep. I compose 
 myself to follow his example, wondering why 
 the reek of the brandy is so unpleasantly 
 powerful. 
 
 When I awake we are circling Paris and the 
 tenor is gone ; he left us apparently at the 
 Gare de Lyon. The elders, worn out with their 
 troubles, are still asleep, and I slip off to the 
 washing place to go through all the miseries 
 of a railway toilet. However, it is not the 
 first time I have shaved with my head knock- 
 ing against the sides of the cabin, or washed 
 in half a pint of the peculiar mixture of coal 
 dust, oil and water, which the sleeping cars 
 provide for the purpose, and I just get back to 
 my compartment as we enter the Nord. 
 
 The two elders, when dressed, look at me 
 with sour dislike, but I notice an expression 
 of anxious dismay on the one who slept in the 
 berth under the tenor, and who by the way, 
 like his companion, I notice sports the blue 
 ribbon. ' It is very awkward,' he is saying to 
 his companion, ' and very difficult to explain. 
 How will I make Janet and the rest believe I 
 slept under a God-forsaken lunatic who went 
 to sleep with a full bottle of brandy uncorked 
 in his hand, and fairly drenched me with it 
 all night ? ' The fatter elder, whose natural 
 sourness has been accentuated by his recent
 
 326 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 sufferings, remarks that if people sleep so heavily 
 they are liable to all sorts of inconveniences, 
 and generally implies it is the fault of the 
 sleeper. 
 
 As we stop they gather up their belongings, 
 and get out to change on to some other route. 
 I watch with interest their meeting with a 
 group of gaunt females and solemn, blue- 
 ribboned men on the platform. The bebrandied 
 elder gingerly embraces the most forbidding of 
 the women, who starts back with horror, and 
 they drift from my sight up the platform, 
 the unhappy man evidently explaining to an 
 unsympathetic and incredulous audience the 
 reason for his brandy-flavoured condition. It 
 is a sad story, and must have a moral which I 
 cannot think of. I will ask Tommy.
 
 CHAPTER XI 
 PARIS TO CALAIS 
 
 I FEEL a sinking of the heart as we leave the 
 station. Mrs. H. has that restlessness which 
 all women of a certain sort have. It is not the 
 restlessness of the efficient housekeeper, but 
 the restlessness of innate discontent. A woman 
 has to think about herself, and many of her 
 type get so naturally self-centred, that they 
 really cease to care for anything else. The 
 result is a natural discontent and desire for 
 change. 
 
 It makes travelling rather a sad business, 
 especially in cold weather when one is well 
 wrapped up. I begin by enveloping her in her 
 rug, and making her as comfortable as possible, 
 and then proceed to do the same for myself. 
 As for some reason the heating arrangements of 
 the carriage have gone wrong, and as Mrs. H. 
 is at present a believer in a fresh air doctor 
 and insists on all windows being down, it is 
 bitter ; and even with a muffler, heavy great- 
 coat and wool gloves, I am pretty chilly. 
 
 I get out my book, a fairly interesting yellow- 
 back novel which I picked up at Marseilles, at 
 the price of a first edition, and am soon in the 
 state of trying to follow the somewhat diffuse 
 
 327
 
 328 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 story of the author. I have just begun to 
 follow the thread of the story, when Mrs. H. asks 
 me if I would mind getting her her bag which 
 is on the rack over my head. I unwind myself, 
 put down my book and get down the bag. Mrs. 
 H. wishes me, she says, to open it. I take off 
 my gloves and find the catch ; as she frankly 
 admits, it is hard to manage. I split a nail 
 and sprain my thumb, but restrain any com- 
 ment and get it open. 
 
 Now if she will only leave me quiet for a 
 moment, I might get on with my book. It 
 is interesting, though like most modern sen- 
 sational novels it makes me a little dizzy, 
 because no one acts in a way that one con- 
 ceives it possible they would. They also seem 
 to have all sorts of principles and laws, social 
 and moral, which are all their own. Perhaps 
 these writers belonged to a concealed and secret 
 religion, with a different set of morals and 
 ethics from ours. For instance, Jones's grand- 
 father shoots Miss Smith's uncle dead, then 
 Jones and Miss Smith cannot marry, though 
 both families were glad when the shooting 
 part of the occurrence terminated so satis- 
 factorily. 
 
 Again you must, according to their laws, 
 never call in the police, or if you do you must 
 tell them transparent falsehoods so as, I con- 
 clude, like the old riddle about the hen, to 
 make it more difficult. If ever a friend, rela- 
 tion or even a stranger asks you a simple and 
 straightforward question such as, When does
 
 PARIS TO CALAIS 329 
 
 the Scotch express start and from where ? you 
 must either tell him an incredible story about 
 its going from the Marble Arch at four in the 
 morning, or even better, you must get deathly 
 pale, hold on to the lamp-post, and say in broken 
 accents, ' Would to God I could answer you, 
 but the secret is not mine.' You should then 
 faint or disappear into the darkness the latter, 
 I should imagine, if your questioner is muscular 
 and irritable. In cases where action instead 
 of words is wanted, such as stopping a man 
 braining your benefactor as he sits at his desk, 
 you being the stronger and well-armed and 
 having no expectations from the old gentle- 
 man ; or preventing a woman from leaving 
 your house by the window with all your wife's 
 jewels under her arm, the first thing to do is 
 to become numb and to allow everything to 
 rush through your mind till it is too late to do 
 anything. 
 
 This power of getting numb is very important 
 and must need much practice, but must also 
 be, when acquired, an accomplishment much 
 admired in criminal circles. It makes pro- 
 fessional matters so much easier for them. As 
 I say, you should remain numb until it is too 
 late to do anything and then compromise your- 
 self as quickly as possible. In the case of 
 murder, you should cover yourself with blood, 
 transfer all portable property from the victim's 
 to your own pockets, take the murderous 
 weapon firmly in the right hand and wait for 
 arrest. If a word or two of explanation would
 
 330 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 have got you out of the difficulty, get dazed 
 or numb again and say nothing. 
 
 On the other hand, if by action you can 
 do nothing useful, take it at once. Always 
 when unarmed, feeble from illness or loss of 
 blood, rush at fourteen professional murderers 
 who are looking for you. Similarly, throw 
 yourself in front of express trains, steam-rollers 
 and such like, if the heroine is being carried off 
 in them. Naturally, after these efforts you will 
 wake up in hospital wondering where you are, 
 and fight your way back to life. 
 
 Another difficult point is, when you should 
 or should not suspect people. When you find 
 your beloved uncle, a hale and powerful man 
 of forty, on the high road of a winter's night, 
 in a condition which looks as if he had been 
 put through a pulping machine, you must 
 suspect his ward a frail, ethereal girl of eighteen 
 who is your fiancte, and must rush off and 
 bury yourself in South America for a few years, 
 because you noticed a flower like the one she 
 wore the winter before last lying near the 
 body. You may occasionally wonder how she 
 did it, but take no steps to clear the matter 
 up. On the other hand, if you enter a church 
 and see your fiancee being married privately 
 to a stranger who embraces her fondly as she 
 gets into the motor car to drive away, you 
 must not be surprised if your young woman, 
 when asked for explanations, says, ' Heavens, I 
 cannot explain ; you must trust me. 5 It is, 
 of course, difficult, but you will reproach your-
 
 PARIS TO CALAIS 331 
 
 self bitterly for ever suspecting her afterwards, 
 and live a broken man if you do. 
 
 Again, never suspect a leading criminal or 
 other Bohemian acquaintance who offers to 
 lead you to this same fiancee, who has got tem- 
 porarily mislaid, and who, stipulating that you 
 shall be alone and unarmed, takes you to the 
 worst quarter of the town and then down a 
 dark passage. If the proceeding appears too 
 childish, you can be impelled by an unseen 
 power (from behind presumably), but go on 
 unsuspectingly until you are quietly knocked 
 on the head or thrown into the river, or what- 
 ever it is they want to do with you. 
 
 You should also give criminals a sporting 
 chance. If some one gives you a paper with 
 the name and address of the gentleman or 
 lady who, after committing a series of atrocious 
 crimes, is supposed, with the assistance of a 
 thumbscrew, to be extracting cheques by torture 
 from your respected aunt, in their lair, never 
 open it or send it to the police. No, you should 
 begin a series of futile inquiries, which will 
 give them time to cash your aunt's cheques, 
 and in the end, when by a colossal series of 
 flukes you catch them, your aunt will thank 
 you profusely. If the series of flukes are really 
 too disgraceful, you can put them down to 
 Providence. 
 
 I could go on for hours on this subject, which 
 really fascinates me, as I have a theory about 
 it. It is that these works are all written by 
 gentlemen or ladies who are in establishments
 
 332 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 under medical charge, and sold for the benefit 
 of the institution and by the management. 
 This is really why there are so many. 
 
 At this moment I recognise Marley coming 
 down the corridor, and we greet each other and 
 he seats himself next to me. He is a great 
 authority on the Near East, and I have known 
 him on and off for years. He travels about 
 and gives rather cryptic advice gratis to any 
 one he can catch. He began life as some great 
 man's private secretary and was, I think, em- 
 ployed by the Foreign Office at one time. He 
 writes on Egypt particularly, and sometimes 
 comes to us to check his information, figures, 
 etc. I could bear with him better if he was 
 not deaf, as when I talk to him I have to shout, 
 and it drives me crazy, besides making my 
 head ache. 
 
 He begins at once in the monotonous, low- 
 pitched voice of the deaf man whom some 
 fiend of a friend has told he speaks too loud, 
 asking me how things are in Egypt. On my 
 replying that they are much as usual, he in- 
 forms me that Lord Palmerston remarked once 
 to the late Duke of Essex, ' The East is always 
 as usual, which is usually bad.' I give a rudi- 
 mentary smile and nod to save my voice. He 
 then tells me that he has just come from Con- 
 stantinople. I ask him how things are there, 
 at which he shakes his head and says, not as 
 good perhaps as they might be. He adds 
 that the late Lord Dufferin once said to Sheriff 
 Pachs, ' Turkey is a knot which no one but a
 
 PARIS TO CALAIS 333 
 
 Turk dare cut.' I ask if there is any danger 
 of further fighting. He replies, yes, but not 
 enough, which surprises me. I ask if he thinks 
 much is wanted. 4 Oh,' he says, ' the same 
 amount as elsewhere,' which fogs me com- 
 pletely. He adds, however, that the late Lord 
 Lytton once observed that the mysterious dark- 
 ness of the East was the result of mental fog. 
 
 If that is the case, I am in the blackest Eastern 
 night. It now strikes me he thought I was talk- 
 ing of lighting, not fighting, so I scream an almost 
 piteous prayer to be told how the present Grand 
 Vizier is getting on with the committee. He 
 shakes his head sadly, and says, ' Well enough 
 at present.' I yell, ' Who are his particular 
 friends ? ' He says, ' Much too much and 
 without result.' He continues that Lord 
 Beaconsfield stated to Sir Arthur Doughnut, 
 our ambassador at Vienna, that he believed 
 that Turkish expenditure and a speech of Mr. 
 Gladstone's were the only two things of which 
 the wisest men could not predict the extent. 
 
 I shall die if this goes on. If I don't scream 
 he does not hear, and if I do Mrs. H. looks 
 daggers at me, as it makes her head worse. Well, 
 she has been a pig to me, so I '11 introduce them, 
 which I do, and then murmuring that I left 
 my tickets in the other carriage, stagger miser- 
 ably down the train to Mrs. Despard's com- 
 partment, where I find to my delight there is 
 a vacant seat next her, and I sit down to a 
 comfortable chat, which by good luck is what 
 she wants, as she has been suffering under H.,
 
 334 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 she tells me in a whisper, but he mercifully 
 has dropped off to sleep. We talk on plea- 
 santly and my temper returns, when an idiotic 
 man with a punch comes round and punches 
 our tickets. This, of course, wakes H. up. 
 
 H., of course, begins by having a row with 
 the collector or puncher, because the official 
 who previously dealt with the ticket has punched 
 or torn out some portion of it which, according 
 to H., he should not have done. In vain the 
 unhappy collector explains that he is an employe 
 of the Nord Railway and the delinquent, if he 
 was a delinquent, was belonging to the P.L.M. 
 H. looks at him with a cold but distrustful 
 eye and says, ' Qa n'importe. Vous avez donne 
 cette billette a moi et vous etes responsable pour tout.' 
 
 The man appeals to me, and I try to reason 
 with H., but he is obdurate, and the employe 
 gets very excited and H. coldly angry, whilst 
 I begin to get confused and fussed between 
 the two, when Mrs. Despard intervenes. She 
 speaks beautiful French and looks trustingly 
 at the employe, who becomes, as they all do, 
 her devoted slave from that minute, arid her 
 firm adherent whatever she may say or do. 
 
 She explains the whole matter according to 
 her view, and we all get so hopelessly fogged, 
 that we don't know what we are talking or 
 even thinking about. ' You see,' she says 
 triumphantly, ' if you travelled from France 
 through Russia and they punched your ticket 
 in Italy, it would be just the same, only in 
 this case they are both Frenchmen, and I don't
 
 PARIS TO CALAIS 335 
 
 myself believe the ticket was punched wrong 
 at all, and certainly not by monsieur,' indicat- 
 ing the ticket collector, ' who I am sure would 
 never do such a thing, but if you,' speaking 
 to H., 4 wish your ticket punched anywhere 
 else, I am sure monsieur will do it at once.' 
 
 The ticket collector then solemnly announces 
 with as magnificent a bow as can be made in 
 a rocking, jolting train, that to please Madame, 
 he would punch anything anywhere. I wish 
 she would ask him to punch H.'s ear. H. is 
 silenced, and is obviously making heroic efforts 
 to follow her reasoning. Mrs. D., taking advan- 
 tage of the lull, as she afterwards says, to put 
 an end to an unpleasant scene, asks the ticket 
 collector to punch the ticket which she now 
 holds in a place she indicates, which he does 
 without even looking, and receives the sweetest 
 thanks, and retires bowing and hopelessly en- 
 slaved. H. takes back the ticket mechanically 
 murmuring, 4 And the ticket was punched in 
 Italy. But you would not go through Italy.' 
 4 Don't be tiresome,' says Mrs. D., ' that was 
 only an illustration. And anyhow now it is 
 punched right through all the coupons.' Which 
 indeed is the case, and I hear from time to time 
 during all the rest of the journey, H. explaining 
 to various officials who ask why this has been 
 done : 4 Une dame qui ttait avec moi dans la 
 voiture a fait faire ga pour s'amuserS which 
 reduces his interlocutor to a condition of 
 mystified astonishment. It gives H. quite a 
 lot to do and keeps him busy.
 
 336 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 
 
 No further untoward incident mars our further 
 journey, except the untiring bag straying into 
 the next compartment but one, and being 
 brought back by a lady's maid who happens 
 to know Mrs. D., and hence the bag. 
 
 ' I think,' says Mrs. D., as we arrive at Calais, 
 ' that it is going to be quite calm.' H. and I 
 look gloomily seawards and hold our peace. 
 On these occasions I am always a pessimist. 
 
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