mm Mr -^ A{ : V, IBT-^-^HI SH|;, U W/< vJ& Jonas Sirapkins ;il his reveries. REVERIES OF A WOODSAWTER; OK, "OTTMV SUM 1 ' SLICINGS OF CORD-WOOD, SERIO-COMIC VIEWS OF LIFE AS IT IS, AS TAKEN FROM THE TOP OF A SAW-BUCK. BY JOTsTAS SIMPKHSTS. NEW TORK: Printed for TnE Autitor by Lange, Little & Hillman, 108 to* 114 WOOSTER STREET. 1872. O Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1872, by BENJ. E. G. JEWETT, Agent, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. TO ME. AND MES. GEUNDT IS THIS LITTLE VOLUME CARELESSLY DEDICATED, MORE ON ACCOUNT OP SOME REMUNERATION THAT IS EXPECTED TO ACCRUE TO THE PUBLISHER THAN FROM ANY REAL RESPECT INTENDED TO BE BESTOWED UPON THEM BY THE ECCENTRIC FREETHINKER AND UN- QUENCHABLE WOODSAWYER, JONAS SIMPKINS. THE PKEFACE. "'Sum' slicings of cord- wood," intends giving some '•' plain talking to " to all folks (and give all folks " some- thing to talk about"), and consists of twenty-five, or more, different essays, so-called, giving in eccentric but truthful language the " private opinion publicly expressed " of the eggs-end-trick-wood-sawyer, Jonas Simpkins, on religion, political economy, mathematics, patents, business life, agri- culture (?), RAILROADING, NATURE, CAPITAL, LABOR, and many and various other subjects. These opinions were formed from silent meditations on the rounds of a well-worn saw-buck — over past sad (?) experience " in a long and event- ful life." They are serio-comic views of things as they be photographed from memory's page for the benefit of " whom it may concern " — with a partial auto-biography in- terwoven — and 'awl-so' illustrations by a chip from another block. Being full of queer, unique, yet appropriate comparisons, and many quotations from authors learned and unlearned, viz.: street-preachers and bank-clerks, newspaper-carriers and peanut-women, an "Arp," a Byron, a Shakespeare, a Paul, a Jno. G. Saxe, a Beecher, a Jno. Qu'incy Adams, a Phillips, a " Doesticks," a " Billings," a " Twain," and the " world at large," it ain't " turned out all song," nor it am't " turned out all sermon." 6 Preface. * Like life, so a pleasing-bopk is part humor, part fact, part song, part tract, part fun, part fight, part dark, part light. When you think it too serious, look out for joke ; and when too "joky," look out for serious. Gentle reminders are no prophecies. (I'd advise you to read it thro ' — e'en from Index too Ajoo — forward and backward, as far as you like.) WHERE TO FIND THE SLICES OF CORKWOOD. Pick winch you think best — but watch you don't get fooled — as to the slices. If I were you, and intended trying part, I'd try them all — and which didn't do well I'd " quit on." You better read a book thro' only once, in a short time ; for, if you do so oftener, you might " know it all," and, as a wise man, thereby become disgusted with it. o PAGE To THE Reader (to be read by everyone) 11 Simpkins Deputizes a Friend 16 Humbug as a Beverage — and who drinks it 17 " Truth is Mighty and will Prevail" — or, About some back- stair tumble — what old cheese is — and what the preacher said truth was, and where to find it 23 Fourth of July — or, How a nation festifies — who an Ameri- can is — and what perfumery is * 29 " The Milk of Human Kindness " — and what it does for a " feller " — and how to grow it 38 " Knight " Err'd and Try'd Again — or, Something about Knight-errantry 42 8 Contents. PAGE Reminiscences — or, My (useful) youth(s)ful days " as they pass before me" — with something about consolation — Jonas saith 45 Bkevity the Soul of Wit — or, How fools do talk — the necessity of not believing without reasoning 50 Horace Greeley's Old White Hat — or, Greeley on syco- phancy 53 " To ErR is Human, to Forgive Divine " — or, Some blunders shown up 55 Figures Never Lie — or, What is a figure, and who cuts it ? . . 60 " Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast " — or, Something about sangerfesting, monkeys, beer, and cat- music 66 " We Want but Little Here Below, nor Want that Little Long " — or, About our wants and needs, as viewed from a sawbuck ■ 77 " Riding ON a Rail ; " or, Railroading as it is — showing up the mysteries of the eggs'-end-trick — what sass is — and how railroad-men " discriminate " 87 " Westward the Course op Empire takes Its Wat." — what Milton (not the poet) saith — and "why for" he saith it 99 " Homeward the Plowman Plods His Weary Way, Etc" — or, What Jonas " knows about plowing " — what a turn- over is, and who makes them — with something in quotation, showing how a man, who quotes much, doth honor (?) to him- self and his many friends 109 "Sympathy — the Tear that Angels SnED" — or, What constitutes a sympathetic man — what pity is 115 " Teetotal Abstinence " — or, What to abstain from — how to make wine — and when (only a little) " liquor kills " 122 " Virtue is Its Own Reward " — or, Something about con- science and cattle-driving 125 Contents. g PAGE " The Laborer is Worthy of His Hire " — or, Who is the " daddy " of " corruption 1" 129 " Laugh and Grow Fat " — or, What's in a laugh ? 146 " You Know How It Is Yourself " — or, What may be knowledge, and how (?) to obtain it 149 Mashed Potatoes — or, About life and lunch baskets — Ire- land and her woes 158 "Doing Two Things at Once" — or, About Jonas Simpkins' folly, and maybe somebody -else's (so-called) follies 165 " Every Man is My Brother, Etc." — or, Jonas' letter to Josh. 173 Nothing About Nothing — or, Something about diversity of opinion — Whose troubles hurt us — or, " how we apples do swim " 183 Old Rye and Honey — or, What we shall drink (?) — Jonas' family prayer 188 "Consistency is a Jewel" — or, Something about good mothers 195 Politics — or, How to save a country — who does it — and how Jonas votes (scarcely any) 200 "There's a Destiny that Shapes Our Ends, Etc." — or, Who- cares for the kittens, children, and fools ? — what the tools of destiny are — and how a " flea in the ear " works.. . . 208 " Contentment is Wealth " — or, How to pay for beef-steaks — where Stewart will move next (in fact, his " next move "). 220 Mottoes for Labor (listen to Simpkins) 226 To " Close Up " — the end — the " ajoo " — the finale (or, how to hang your harp on a willow, without going to war about it). 229 Errata — or, Who will correct (or show up) my faults ? Jonas saith 229 TO THE READER This little ensuing " wollyum" ain't hankering after " sum" excuse. If you are, make it — for yourself, others, or anybody — I don't care. It don't want any excuse, i. e., not that I know of. It is nothing but the consolidated rough notes, from undi- gested ideas from the careworn (?) brain of a wood-sawyer, penned down in rambling style by an inexperienced pen-wiper. If its short essays (it is said to contain) don't suit the intellectual appetite of the purchaser, all I can say is that it's his, her, or its " bad luck," and if that person wilt show wherein, I will try and remedy the faults (if not too many and if I can) on " next trip of the boat ; " provided " that person " or the friends of that person will " agree to bind themselves " to sell or buy the Second Edition ; " terms, strictly cash." (It should not be expected of a man that can't think to be fully able to thoroughly understand all he reads.) The I's, and sev- eral " they are," are all mine, and if " sum folks " don't like my I's let them use their oAvn (or " go it blind ") and skip them if they can / as to the number of them (and not quoted at that) they are " all right " and 7'11 be 12 To the Reader. " kerchowsed " in a dam-med* damp creek if I apology's.? for them. (Amen, /golly.) If you don't " fancy ' sum' folks," just imagine they are &msfolk of thine and I'll warrant " it will give you an appetite " to swallow them (" horns, hoofs, hair, and all "). If you imagine I am " some " on my talk about my- self and family, please recollect that a man that " talks more about his neighbors " than himself, is a bad, a one- sided, lobsided man, and not much fit to " quote from," and a wood-sawyer that don't think of and look out for his family a good deal, aint a fit slicer of cord-wood. (" That man what don't should not be trusted.") If you find the " King's English murdered" (or your neighbor's laughing or crying) as to either the spelling, etymology, syntax, or prosody, why "just you don't" be going to try to bring it to life, or cure it ; for if you do you'll find a " bigger job on j^our hands " than even the try- ing to digest " sum" " badly chewed hash." If I don't say what you think I mean, just " make it so " with a little pencil : and if I don't seem to say " what' I ought to say," you will please imagine I intended (?) to. I never " bite crab-apple because ' somebody ' says it's good, but if many somebodys were to say it were good I always thought there might be some slice in that crab-apple that would suit me " — you " needn't bite (at) it tho', if you don't like." Crab-apple, like any other diet (or die-yet), when forced on a man, is very hard for digesting (or to die-jesting.) If, then, there is anything in this little book you can't like, only " take so much of it as you do like" (as most creed worshippers do their Bible), or what * Jonas is not a profane man, and this word must uot be construed as damned. — (Ed.) To the Reader. 13 suits your " taste" or " case," and let somebody else " have the next ' slice? " Maybe you don't want the "slice" that somebody else would " hanker after." Maybe you " don't choose any : " if you don't, " touch it not ;" I wouldn't, never. If any one desires to " raise a little row," about what is " writ" down in this little book, their neighbors may " seem to know " that the " bellicose " party is badly hit, — and if hit, hit correctly. The " wood-sawyer " has freshly whetted his saw for any such contest, and hereby declares himself prepared for a duet or duel either, with any such party ; he would state, tho', that he never chal- lenges anybody, and that if anybody wishes to fight him, a saw must be the weep-on and a saw-buck the feel-d* of contention. My motto is, "All dangers ain't death. Come on ! " If the world only laughs, tho', why then the wood-saw-yer would seem to " oughter " laugh with them. He'd then lay his wood-saw (would-s&w) to one side like to await the next order for slicing cord-wood. There is " sum" " consolation " for every one in the following essays, if they only peruse thro' carefully (thinking while they read) and not " skip any" — even unto the " a-joo." The bitters in it are (as they like " bitters ") only for hypocrites and pretenders. If some of the language in this book seems somewhat rough, you must recollect it comes more from a warm heart than (s)cold lips, and hence, if poorly expressed, means well, except to " them hypocrites." (If everybody- 's^ follies have been struck at, so have those of Jojias.) With a sincere desire that the publisher may be able to make " sum" mashed potatoes out of the sale of " sum * Jonas means field, I guess. — {Ed.) 14 To the Reader. of which," and that it may " provoke " a smile from you, I am yours serenely JONAS SIMPKINS. P. S. I believe (" seems like I do at least ") that Swine- tax is better to enable a little town to pay its little (?) debts with, than it are for a wonld-saw-yer to write some little book with. JONAS SIMPKINS. TO THE PUBLISHER As you bear the "heat and burden of the day" in tak- ing upon yourself the issuing in print of the scribble of Jonas Simpkins, the wood-sawyer, you are the one to whom apology is due. I " compensate " by advice " unax'd" You can undoubtedly " hoe your own row," (but if it were me) I'd not emboss this ' wollyum ' very heavily ; but rather, put it in sound, simple cover — and let it depend on its own "mere-its" for its life. It may answer for a " Composition book " for youthful writers of mature years to quote (?) from : or a primer for the senior class of "sum" Harvard to "think" by y or as a commentary on "things as they be," for "sum" theological student to " thumb "over : or a " hand-guide " for " sum " very wise (?) business men to trade by. As to it's being handed down to the 3d generation, I am not ambitious, and I am not, at present, thinking that it will be — unless some unfortu- nate mortal should imagine me inspired, like Joe Miller or "sum sich," and " pass me down " as the " Humbug " writer (righter — no ! !) of the 19th (s) cent-try (so-called). Tours, sympathizingly, JONAS SIMPKINS. 5IMPKHSTS DEPUTIZES A FKIEKD. This " wollyum "* tviII be edited (it is imagined) by my disinter- ested Mend, " anxious questioner," appreciative listener, and scribe, BEN. E. G. JEWETT, who has hinted for me to " put my (sayings and doings) into print," and if any should " wish to hear from me," they may address me thro' " his care " — and if they don't /cake not. JONAS SIMPKINS. P. S. — A portion of this work was sketched in my diary pre- viously, and the other part was " taken down," from remarks made in answer to questions asked, by my scribe-ish friend. He seemed so interested in me that I consider him as my "second self" (after Salty Jane — my wife — of course) and he is authorized to act in this matter (the printing of it) in my behalf as if I were present, and he and I will " fix it between us" (as to results).' J. S. To the Public : — As stated above, I am the authorized agent of Mr. Simpkins (to do for him as may be best), and consequently I have about followed copy — thereby throwing the responsibility of the sentiment and structure of the language on him — let the critics fight him. lie has authorized me to state that he can " back his assertions " witli tes- timony as staunch as historic truth. He also says he intends in the next edition of this work to " embalm " the names of those who are kind enough to help this thro', as he deems that true sympathy is better than much talk, and rather quote actions than words of men (and he is some on quote — of that kind — you may see). B. E. G. JEWETT. * Jonas means volume, no doubt. HUMBUG AS A BEVEBAGE. Tat, kaughphy, shocky-late,* milk, water, watered milk, old rye and honey, schnapps, cordials, (" for our fears ") lager, and many other liquids, have been in repute for many, very many years past, and are still known to a " phew " of the civileyesed (?) world as drinkables — so- called. But of all beverages, so-called, that seem to rank as of an ancient origin, and still retain the " brightness of their glory " even down to the present day, among bond and free, " haythen " and learned, " Humbug " is the most noted. This is the most popular, yet the least palatable of all swalloivables — and, seemingly strange, when least pleasant, as to the tickling of " sum " throat, more often the popularest — and partakes somewhat of the qualities of that '* bibifyer," lager, the Dutchman's " sine-qua- non." It is something that is soon digested ; and hence, like water-melon, or oyster-soup, the more a man (he) takes aboard, the more he may continue to " hanker after " " sum of which." It was, by our present accounts, tirst brought into use by one Adam (who didn't care for A-dam) by accepting of the drink from his female cohort — one Eve — and is likely to continue muchly in * Jonas undoubtedly intended tea, coffee, and chocolate, but used foreign spelling then. — (Ed.) 1 8 Humbug as a Beverage. demand until the " very last man " departs to that bourne whence Adam ne'er returned — at least so far as Livingstone or Beecher, Mark Twain or Epluribus Unum, have as yet informed us. It abounds, and rebounds, and confounds " among, around, amidst, athwart, and according to " — all appear- ances ; and is equally acclimated in all climes. A negro might get sick in Kamschatka and make a good die of it, but not so with " Humbug ; " or if it seemed to do, why, two or more of them — like flies of a rainy day, or lies of a court week, general-muster- day, or election times — seem to derive their existence from said decease. A man that takes upon himself to try to abolish the use of this celebrated drink, has got a " big job" in the killing off of all the darned fools first ; and, if he were a friend of mine, I would advise him to go to "sum" convenient junk shop, buy him a small piece of rope (the smaller the better — so that none might be waisted) and, after selecting a " handy" favo- rite tree, hang himself. [I have always seemed to notice that men frequently fail in hanging themselves successfully, from the want. of a favorite tree being handy (?) — their horticultural taste seems to become very fastidious just about that time — but whenever I find I've got to hang I'd just as soon take to a dogwood sapling as anything else (the variety shan't particularly interfere at all) ; but I'd say just here that I still hope my many friends (?) will put it off as long and as far as possible.] The reason I'd advise this hanging business, under the circumstances, is to prevent the " abolishioner " from learning too late (?) " that there is one fool left," or that Humbug as a Beverage. 19 his efforts to reform the drinkers have brought upon him foes enough to eat him up — that the dragon teeth, planted for the growth of armed men, to destroy others, have turned upon, to destroy, annihilate, etc., himself alone. There are several different styles of " getting up " this beverage, and hence it bears different names : 1st. Humbug — " per se." 2d. Humbug— invented, and hence, " non per se." And there are different names given drink-mixers of this concoction — two of which are, 1st. Humbug proper-gander-ists.* 2d. Humbug abolish-onion-ists.f Connected with one of which drink-mixers, most every one is " sumwhat," partly — or, if not connected, at least acquainted slightly (?). One says, " I don't swallow ' tay ' ; " another, " Nor I ' kaughphy' ; " another one, " No rye coffee ; " another one, " No schnapps, nor lager, nor old rye and honey." But there is no one (that I know of) that can truth- fully, square-footedly, head-erect-and-eyes-to-the-front- edly, say that he don't take or has not at some time, heretofore, taken to " Humbug " as naturally as " your Uncle Jonas " does to old rye and honey, as a duck to water, as an infant to squalling, as a matronly mother to spanking, as a fool to parting his hair in the centre and quoting " kiss-candy " poetry, or as a strictly-temperate (?) church elder (of " sum " fashionable church — seats free) does to the bitters of a sympathetic druggist. Most every one takes it constantly and straight. If, within twelve months after perusing this work, any * Jonas must have meant propagandists. t Jonas surely intended abolitionists. 20 Humbug as a Beverage <3 person shall be willing to certify— and prepared to prove — that they haven't taken to " sum " " Humbug " as uncom- promisedly as a rat does to " sum " old cheese, I am pre- pared to offer them, thro' my editorial friend, a bottle of Simpkins' aromatic, as a reward of merit and a gentle per- fume for " sum " soiled pocket-handkerchief of their'n. You will hear of " Simpkins' aromatics," excellence as you read some subsequent article. Your Uncle Jonas, like the most of mankind, has been darned fool enough, more than once in his eventful life, to partake of this beverage, " Humbug ; " and he still expects, from all appearances, to have to record on the tablet of his memory more instances of this back-handed foresightedness during his " sojourn here." (By-the-bye ! gentle reader, did you ever see a temper- ance man, so-called, take a drink % You say, " Oh, no ! " "Well, you ought — for it are just the best piece of acting you ever saw — and I am going to " call it up " for your benefit. I saw one once, and it will do me a life-time. He reminded me, figuratively speaking, of a giant going to wring the neck off of " sum " little " Lilliput," as he strode forward majestically, seized the neck of the offend- ing bottle, and (with " dire thoughts intent" — his soul at war) passed it to his lips— taking full grip with his teeth that not a drop might spill — and demolished it, or rather the liquor within it. Yes ! he demolished, made way with, destroyed the same to its " very last drop," and to his own great satis- faction — if you might judge from the " smacking of his lips e'en down to the pit of his stomach," as the beverage went warbling swiftly downward. Humbug as a Beverage. 2 1 The stroke of his paunch by his leisurely right hand — for the left clung to the bottle yet — spoke in silent whisperings : " Well done, thou good and faithful ser- vant," etc.) This taking of " Humbug " on the sly, is a mighty big thing to most, but not to — a man that can't write much poetry. Some folks don't like to own that they take " Hum- bug " in thews, any more than that they were once " bit " by a blind cur ; but what does it " better make " when they have been bit and everybody knows it. Humbug has an acidly-sweet, serenely-bitter taste, and altho' it never kills, yet it is sometimes very nauseating. This nauseatingness may be very beneficial "sum-* times ; " causing us to throw up, in gentle heaps, the bad bile within us, and making us to comprehend, by comparison like, the beauties not only of some truth, but also those of a "good square meal" of cod-fish balls and turnip greens. I seem to know, tho', that (from sad experience, too) after the meal is over, we are as apt to as cheerfully seek Humbug's society again as the Esquimaux does that of his seal-fat, or a well-trained Teuton does that of " sum " sour-trout. My honest belief is that, from humbugs and bilious fever, the best preventive, or cure, is old rye and honey, (in occasional doses) — or at least next best to a legiti- mate dose of strychnine, well-prepared by a diploma' d druggist. The old rye will wash out all old scores, but the strychnine will generally — if properly given — pretty effectually eradicate any tendency to imbibe in the least, for time to come (to " sumbody " else). 22 Humbug as a Beverage. The wherefor of which we may live to learn. P. S. — After much careful meditation, I have come to the conclusion that in taking strychnine (if I had it to do) I'd not consider so much whether the druggist that put it up were diploma'd, as I would that, from not having killed " more than a dozen " in a lifetime (by his artis- tic (?) preparations), he might have obtained some rea- sonable amount of experience in mixing deadly drugs. This, tho', is just as "sum " people are pleased to think. " Suit yourself and you suit me," as a man's reflection in a mirror once said to the man, as he was " fitting himself up " with " sum " new clothes. " Sum " would continue to buy baking powder of " sum " druggist (diploma'd) if they knew he was giving them m^senic. Maybe the druggist hwws they want arsenic when, before others, they call for baking powder. Who knows ? — Not Jonas. N". B. — I don't wish to be a Humbug " proper-gander," nor a Humbug " abolishioner ; " the 1st is a public nui- sance, and the 2nd meets with " such sudden death." "TKTJTH IS MIGHTY AND WILL PKEYAIL." The above is the assertion of " sum " one, but whether he ever proved it or not, in the period allotted him for living, I would not like to undertake to say — not quite yet. In his own limited experience — your Uncle Jonas has not been able to explore into the dim mysteries of futurity so far as to be able to bring back any satisfac- tory answer — for many inquiring friends — as to the ques- tion, " When, and at what ' prezactly excise ' time will Truth (' the party of the first part,' as hereinbefore pre- viously stated) 'come it over' the other side?" My friends must wait with patience ; maybe time will show. " Sum " persons seem to think that it has already " gone and done it," and will continue to " go on doing it" to the end of the chapter; and that the fellow that started the above quotation, knew as little about what constituted "Truth" as a "two-headed calf" knows of the taste of well-biled pineapple, or a "tow-headed youth " about Euclid. I have sometimes thought that " Truth " (with a little old rye and honey mixed — to make it slip good) would almost always in the end prevail ; and although my lim- ited years have not enabled me to establish the fact to my own definite satisfaction, yet I somehow still believe it will. There is one thing, out of many (E-pluribus- 24 " Truth is Mighty and will Prevail." unmn-like), that I have noticed, tho' ; and that one thin-/ is just this, that the washerwoman that proceeds to ge: the dirt out of " sum " old clothes, with the aid of" sum " lye, has to do " sum " cleansing by rinsing them over in " sum " cold wafer. Lie may be good to bamboozle fools with, but it is not a " rale " good cleanser for " sum " dirty clothes. C Truth may be like a cold-water bath to " sum folks," making them "cringe all over;" but lie, if used often (and if used, at all will soon be of often use) will get " sum " folks in consarned " hot water " before they are through with it. \ There have been (I understand) many learned and scientific discussions on or about what might be " Truth," or what might not be Truth ; but, whenever I got to hear any of them, I seemed to notice that they — the dis- cussers, so-called — leave us about as thoroughly satisfied, concerning the topic in consideration, as a very hungry man might be with "just a smell" of "sum" fried onions, or a distant glance at a nicely turned roast. " It is true it is a pity, and 'tis pity that 'tis true." I can say this last with a heartfelt encore ; especially when I recollect how last fall, three years ago, Sally Jane — my wife — kicked me down the back stairs for venturing to disagree with her as to the " divine in- spiration " of her worthy pastor, Rev. Sol. Noodle. Sally Jane is usually a very " mild-mannered " wo- man's-rights-woman, but on the subject of truth " she has her idea " (of which I don't hanker after any more), and, like most of the rest of her kind, runs crazy over a dog-ma or a divinely-inspired (poodle?) — and, vowing his utterances, or the creed, is as full of truth as an " Truth is Mighty and will Prevail." 25 egg is of meat (?), she swallows away, never looking nor caring, until she gets " sum " bad " choke " from the hasty attempt to gulp down the embryo form of "sum onhappy chick." Then, and Hil then only, they cry out, " "What a pity." ("Having been there," partly, myself, I would not object to saying, that usually the palate is not so much refreshed after a large dose of " sum " chick as it might be after partaking of " sum " ice cream " or sich.") " Sum " say that " Truth is fact," and ever since that back stair tumble, of over " three years last past," I have had a present iment that it might be so : at any rate I have never attempted (from that time to this) to argue to my spouse on that particular subject. In fact I pick my man now, when I want to do "sum " argue. Most of writers are as good at guessing at what Truth is as they would be at reckoning exactly about the num- ber of hairs on a black cat's tail. If you were to give them the number of hairs per inch (" to start with ") and the number of inches per tail ("to back it up with " ) they might possibly — by consulting Emerson — be able to figure out a near-sighted solution, " after awhile ; " but gitting at the facts, as to the measurement, is the trouble. At least it were so with " Yours Truly." "When I was young they used to tell me a little story — my parents did — about the rats holding a meeting and determining to bell the cat, but that, upon probing around to find out who'd the belling do, no rat anxious as to fame (in that way) could be found to undertake the enterprise. 26 " Truth is Mighty and will Prevail! 1 So we are all desirous to find out about "sum" truth ; but none so " anxious " as to attempt the search on " our own account." " Once on a time," tho', for the sake of truth and benefit of science (?), I attempted to " demonstrate " by " taking in hand " the tail of " sum " very black cat (I thought, I suppose, the blacker the cat the greater the truth), that roams near by my humble hut after the stray bits which my very interesting children don't leave (for the reason that all of the provender my " much- abused progeny " ever obtain, comes to them in bits much astray). I found that truth obtained thro' the medium of cat's tail — even if it were a black cat — were very unreliable for the world at large to depend upon, and very uninter- esting for the seeker-after-truth himself. That particular cat's tail was very flexible (for if you succeeded in counting the hairs per inch — which were mighty hard work— you were sure to be fooled, as to the holding of that " caudal " appendage, when you attempted to measure the length by inches) ; and that 'special cat's claws wan't flexible worth the jingle of a pewter nickle (as various scars on my arms will attest) ; and besides its mewing — or moughing — woke the baby, and the baby woke Sally Jane (the latter tremendously, overwhelm- ingly awakened). I didn't succeed in counting that cat's " latter " hairs, you bet, and in consequence 1 am not so enthusiastic in searching for the truth (in that way, at least) as I once was ; and unless I succeed in finding " sum " cat more devoted to scientific investigation than the last one was, I believe I shall permit truth and science — if they can, " Trutli is Mighty and will Prevail." 27 and I guess they can if age is any surety — take care of themselves. My " principal time " (and the interest portion too) is devoted to trying to find out (by letting others experi- ment) as to what " Truth " is. N. B. 1. Logical Sequence, as saith the preacher (whom. I axed on the subject of truth) ; " Trooth is mighty, old cheese is mite-y, therefore, old cheese must be ' trooth' or ' trooth ' must lie in old cheese. Now, as old cheese only prevails greatly in Dutch communities, therefore, in their midst must ' trooth ' also prevail." Not knowing but what he may be right, I have moved Sally Jane and the children to one of which and am going to invest my remaining 5c. (after supplying them in enough (?) " mashed potatoes ") in " sum" old cheese — not for the sake of the cheese, but for the sake of the Tkutii in the cheese. P. S. 1. It were a "patent Christian" who made the remark — which should be very patent to every observer — in N.B. 1., and, therefore, after settling down, I may find myself deceived, and if I are, I shall bet on old cheese and " patent Christians " no more forever. N. B. 2. I have often noticed that "patent Chris- tians" (i.e., creed worshippers, who don't live up to what they preach — no ! not in the smallest way) war'n't, gene- rally speaking, much else but " humbugs ; " and if they make such mistakes about " old-cheese-and-truth," as they do about the supposed history of ancients and their doings, their lost arts and sciences, creeds and beliefs, why, I just hope that the " patent Christian" I hearkened unto ain't like 'em — if he are " my monish*is gone," "sure as shooting." If he warn't right, and I 28 " Truth is Mighty and will Prevail." iind that " Truth " don't necessarily dwell in the land that old cheese is lying about in, I hope, at least, that I may be on hand at the time and place it does prevail. There is a saying that, " All things will be right when they are washed." I await, with patience, that " washing- day." P. S. 2. I've seemed to notice that to be a " patent Christian," as described above, is, as far as man's finest instincts are concerned, as disgustingly nauseating as for a small boy to learn how to " chaw " liquorice ; but to be- lieve in the truths of nature — outside of creed — as natu- ral and exhilarating as it is to receive " sum" of the first kiss of love from the lips of " sum " youthful maiden. 1ST. B. 3. Your Uncle Jonas has been very desirous to obtain a little hold on some great truth ever since he were a very small boy ; but there has seemed to be but very little of it afloat for either sale or generous distri- bution. Sometimes I have imagined that I had gotten posses- sion of a small fragment of it ; but it generally turned out, like the miner's gold, " more dirt and rock than 1 real stuff. ' " FOURTH OF JULY. !Now, as this is a great and glorious day, so-called, as I was penning these memory sketches, it seemed necessary to make " sum" few remarks (like) about this festive day. Everybody seems to be possessed with a strong desire to either cellar-brate,* or have cellar-brated, this so-called natal day of America's independence (?). I do it by partly writing up something — per-ad venture, per-haps. It is generally supposed that Americans in general, and the Simpkins family in particular, are, or ought to be, especially thankful on that day. The why for which I know not ; but the apparent eagerness, by our acquaint- ances, that ice should, is most overwhelmingly certain. As to the Simpkins family, I suppose it partakes of your Uncle Jonas's nature — and that they proceed to be patriotic, to the full extent of their pocketbook and ut- most capacity of their stomach, on that day. I have often wondered, tho', why most of people, and if not other folks why Jonas should, spend their last stray copper, and overgorge their stomachs (to starve a week after) on that day ; • but I guess, as the jolly Patrick is bound to have his St. Patrick's day, and the sober Teuton his " blue Monday," so Americans, so-called, think they must have " sum" 4th of July. * We have an idea tbat Jonas means celebrate. — {Ed.) 30 Fourtli of July. But as to Americans, I'll go a brass button that the original breed — the American Indian — ain't muchly glad worth speaking of, and, to tell the plain truth, I don't now seem to think that there is much for the wherefor he should be. If trading off — nolens-volens — one's real estate, and one's children's real estate, for dried corn, red cotton handkerchiefs, glass beads, and forty-rod-charcoal whis- key, constitutes happiness and independence, why, then perhaps (?) they ought to " paint up " heavy in the hon- or of this glorious day — so-called. But some seem to believe that it don't. Whether they are right or not, who knows ? " What constituted an American, so-called, ninety-six agone ? " and " What constitutes an American in this year of our Lord ? " — so-called — would seem to be ques- tions possessed of nearly as much possibility of discus- sion as " what might be the most direct, the shortest cut to Paradise," or " what would be the surest cure for big-headedness " ; and, unless he is a mixture of a various breeds, the Simpkinses have authorized your Uncle Jonas to say that they are then not much posted concerning which. As to big-headedness — as a nation the American peo- ple, so-called, seem greatly afflicted with it : they express in actions, if not in words, the sentiments, as once put forth by a little three-year-old of our acquaintance who called her mother's attention to the fact of " How big she had grown, and she growed it cdl herself." (j have seen many, so-called, " self-made-men " who could not have even built a correct sparrow's nest, much less their own fortunes ; and, if it were really known. Fourth of July. 31 their fortunes would be found to have been the result of well-ordered circumstances, just as much as the gor- geous formation of a " high and mighty " sunflower is allowed to be^) What independence consists of seems equally a mooted subject — some are " mute " on it. To fight (and whip) the English, Hessians, lire, water, rats, " dogs " and " croco- diles," ain't perhaps such hard work as fighting against unjust gain and depraved consciences and superstitious ignorance, or contending for some little " chunks of bread " without debasing one's self-respect (" sum uns" don't count self-respect nothing — and as to them I don't believe it is). There's more " blood spilt " than glory gained by fighting for a glorious fame ; and more slights received than fame obtained in the contention for " the rights of oppressed humanity." (If I succeed in help- ing the lowly, the fame I expect to get the hold of won't be " the worth while for you " to " hanker after.") I'd rather to pitch, Don Quixotically, into some real or imaginary wind-mills — " without even spurs or paper-collar" on — or to try to stand still on a moving tread-mill, or read a German newspaper with my feet (on the floor — yea! of course on the floor) than to be independent after the fashion of " sum " folks. What we are trying to " harp on " now — just at this moment, tho', is not " What independence is" nor " What an American may be" but what the 4th of July (so-called) might be. This day is " cellar-brated " in the " old-fashioned style" — viz., with pop-corns, pop-crackers, pop-guns, and little (paper) bon-fires — by deluded youths between the age of 5 and 15. Older boys, between the 32 Fourth of July. periods of 15 and 25, rejoice in the firing {at each other) of bon-mots, bon-bons and pop-bottle corks. Those persons rejoicing in the passing of so much time as entitles them to be styled " from 25 to 50," console themselves by spending the time in much drink- ing, singing, attending horse-races, and betting on the run. There are a " few persons " between 50 and 100, or 1 and 5 — as to the period that they have seemed et to breathe " — that delight (sometimes) to stay at home, eating their crackers and rolling on some grass, ("like — ") and " watching the row" from afar. To spend the 4th of July correctly, (according to " sum " folks idea) you must " take a little something." And the most patriotic (Pat-riot-ic) something to take is beer (for altho' it don't do a Dutchman any harm to drink beer, it makes an Irishman " kick up thunder " — no sensible Irishman will whiskey his beer, beer his whiskey, or " go beer straight " — I can't claim to be an Irishman, as to the beer, tho'), for as its eflervescingness (" on the top of the glass ") is indicative of the frothiness of 4th of July patriotism, so is the bitter taste, accom- panying its darkish How, emblematic of the sick-head- ache and thick-headedness of July the 5, so-called — which day has to " bear the ills " resulting from the fol- lies of the day previous. The drink (national) used to be strictly American in style, i. e., " mightily mixed " as to number, quantity, and quality ; but now one (?) drink is " mostly the go," and that " one drink" is strictly Deutsch — viz., mostly beer-ish. (One drink lasts — or continues, which? — all day.) The American proper — mixed breed, I mean — used to Fourth of July. 33 " take to " whiskey-sling, brandy-smash, sangaree, le- monade, old rye and honey, cider and sj)7'uce-beer (the quality and quantity and numbers of the liquid being determined solely by the strength of his stomach and the latitude of his burying-ground) ; but nowadays he mostly "goes for" " spiked beer." Beer spiked (or whiskied) is the " half-way " drink with which the American (so-called) and the Dutchman " enter the lists " for a friendly contest for a " mixed nationality." (" I have sometimes " seemed " to notice that I was " in- dined'''' at times u to think" that if a "Dutcher" (full blood) had to have three wishes only — to obtain what happiness he ever expected to achieve — that the first wish would be " for beer, and girls to hand the beer ; " the second wish, " tobacco, beer, and girls ;" and thirdly, " a little more beer, mein-herr." / (I don't know whether I am a Dutchman or not ; but I seem to know if that kind of diet (?) satisfies him that it's none of my business — " not, by the jugful".) I am also " seriously disposed " to imagine that the Dutchman could no more have a " 4th July" without beer than a Hottentot could sustain a sickly life without much " sun," or a hypocritical, low-lie saint support a whiny existence without much long prayers. I am prepared to state the Teutons (as a nation) to be a " leetle ahead " of most any folks I ever heard of (or dreamt of) in the matter of beer-drinking — but the American, "so-called," like an educated cow's-tail, is " mighty " close on behind. [If you ever find the educated cow as don't carry " sum" educated tail, and in that style ("close on behind"), why, just pen me a line (you can 34 Fourth of July. charge a "penny a line " " if you're mind to ") and if she is proved to be an educated animal of the bovine species, why " I'll stand treat all round," and " on the square," on — well, on " I wish you much joy." I will, I golly.] I went to a " 4th July picnic " (once) and found lots of Dutch well-filled, empty beer-kegs well (?) spilled, beer glasses plentifully patronized (yet), and " sum " beer " badly demoralized " (you bet). I noticed that there were more empty beer-kegs than beer (no matter the quantity spilt on the grounds (?) or remaining in the keg) and that a couple of medium-sized Dutch-men can keep 4 boys and 6 girls waiting on them for some considerable time (if not longer — I didn't stay to see) passing " ein lager," "zwei lager;" and then not be tired of beer worth a — "nein" (they "yaw" to it all the time). In tact, if you can sit down and look on at a Dutch-man drink beer, as long as he can " stand up to" and call for it, you can just beat your Uncle Jonas on the muscle (and the' boys " whar I cum frum" used to say I was pretty good on that kind of sinew), " that's all I've got to say." I didn't see a Dutchman " empty" much at all — nor 1 never want to, if I can keep my " I-sight." Dutch 4th July picnics display a moderate stock of " patriotism," so-called (I've heard), only, when several breweries have sold decidedly "short," and — as a con- sequence, or subsequeDce' — (/'d) turned the Teutons "homeward bound" in a very loosely-set condition on the arms of their more sober (if not less-loving) spouses. I am not fully determined to strictly re-ly on " all I hear," therefore I may be pardoned if I don't exactly be- lieve (half I see). If beer does make (?) a German " loose," it don't often Fourth of July. 35 (or one often) make drunk or "fighty," or at least, if it does have that effect (or any), the habit of taking his spouse with him, to any " show " he may attend, prevents him from "showing off" his belligerent desires.'' "Long live" some Dutchmen or Germans — "may they ever wave " but never " waver " (in the cause of morality and the downtrodden). I seem to imagine, if /"were to go home (or " be car- ried there on my shield " — a pop(u)lar plank) in that " loose " predicament, that Sally Jane would gently comb my unkempt hair with a three-legged stool (a " fool's seat") and prop me up against the side of my wood-shed — if in the day-time, to dry out, if it were night, to study (?) and admire (?) the transcendent beauties of the starry firmament above. I like to study nature, out not exactly in that way. In tact, I'd as soon show my "patriotism" by distilling perfumery (by sitting in the placid warmth of a noonday July sun with a Limburger cheese under each arm) for the toilet of some impecuni- ously-sweet-scented^y-hair-parted-in-the-middle-y, youth- ful lover of his country's (self). Either would be mighty worrying, tho', I should guess. I warn all "perfumers" from " touching," yet-a-while, any perfume, called " Simpkins' Aromatic," as I am going to (not " take out a patent," but) apply for a " license to manufacture and sell." If I succeed, as I hope (?), I intend putting all idle school-boys and worn-out book-keepers (of which classes I have been oxk) and lazy negroes (of which class, unless I turn to a Darwinian monkey, I never expect to be) into the way of making a fortune by " entering the Ji< Id " for the " manufacturing of perfumes." I con- sider, by so doing, I shall be making good use of my 36 Fourth of July. large (?) surplus (?) capital, and that, too, in a much better way than buying ear-rings and silks for my little daughters, or lending money to " sum" neighbor (?) to purchase broadcloth coats, glossy beavers, and finger- rings to adorn (?) his " lovely " son(s) with. I shall be keeping many " degenerate " persons from " running to waste', " at least, if they do, it will be "for the benefit of the public at large " (which " many " public will be " thankful-fov" I suppose (?) ), both by providing a " pleas- ant perfume" and "ridding street corners of idle gazers " and brainless orators (?). As to drink : I can " take " beer ; but I muchly prefer " some old rye and honey " — especially as prepared by my wife (Sally Jane), viz., more old rye than water and more honey than either — even if it is less patriotic. It might be well enough for "sum" persons to bo, patriotic about once a year (if for no other purpose than to get some " little pride knocked out of them ") : and as the "4th" of July is already pro- vided by law for the purpose, why I guess it's just as well to cellar-brate that day. " If I were them, tho','' I'd try and not make it last all the year — it would make the day so darned long. The only use I could ever see it were fit for, tho', was (as old mayor H — used to say) as " a damper on some very cold spring weather." N. B. " SumUn " says, " I could write a better article than that on ' 4th July ' m-e-r-self." * My k-i-n-d friend (?), I would say, if you do, you will likely have to do like most of the spread-eagle-y, much-lauding 4th July article writers (one of which Jonas ainH) — take your little stool to the cool side of a " forgotten hearth," * I suspect Jonas wrote this for "myself "—as it is sometimes drawlingly spoken. — (Ed,) Fourth of July. 37 and in the dreary " winter-evening " conjure up in your imagination (for the benefit of your poorly-clad body) the genial beauties of a national festive " 4th," — on which 4th, if you were to stay at home, you wouldn't suffer from the cold if you wore " fig-leaves for trowsers." These fancy writers expect with their December ar- ticles to draw cheers (as an orator) on the ensuing 4th, and that the arms of men, women, and children will be extended to " welcome." It may be good as a cooler, but that's all, I'll bet, that article could do. But I'd say just here that I am writing for my own amusement, as well as others, Mr. "SumUn." "THE MILK OF HUMAN" KIND- NESS." Most of female cattle give "pretty fair" milk; but, "by the time the consumer gets it, it are nigh as much water as milk," "sum" say. How it happens that a fifteen minutes drive, on a good road, should have such an effect on milk of " keow," does seem " rather strange," that's a fact. But "truth is always queerer than fiction," they say — if so, that accounts for the milk in the cocoanut, or the water in the milk either, I must suppose. I've just read that some cow-men (?) are going to hold a convention (which is a great thing, a funny thing, and all-important (?) thing in these days) about this adul- terated "keow" milk. If they do, I want them also to "consider" and " resolve " concerning some milk of human kindness, which is not only badly-adulterated as to the "stock " in hand, but the parent stock is of a natu- rally " very poor breed." Most all men have naturally some of the milk of human kindness in their composition ; but somehow, between the Scylla of inordinate greed, and the Chary bdis of bull- dog perversity, it is either " darned hard to draw out," or, if obtained and put on the market for sale, a sore- eyed, mangy kitten would sicken at the approach of it — so mixed is it with some dirty water. I never allow " The Milk of Human Kindness. 1 " 39 milkmen any water, while they travel with their little cart, unless by the goblet-full, and I then generally watch pretty closely where it goes — whether their own mouth or the mouth of the milk-can "swallows it up." All milkmen don't need this watching, but you can't al- ways correctly tell about the honesty of a milk-seller, by either looking at his own lace as reflected in his shiny tin can, or by examining the features of his war-steed in the mellow depths of an adjacent hog-wallow. I have often wondered, tho', if we were to get a little more pure milk, if we wouldn't be apt to grow a little more milk of human kindness. I'd as soon be "axed" (?) by some fighty left-handed giant — with a club in between his forefingers like — to partake, indiscriminately and unhesitatingly, six times per day, of " sum " soured, watered milk, as to be anointed, once in a "great while," with " sum " milk of human kindness, " distilled " from " sum " folks " wot I've sawed ; " and I'd as " sooner " to try milking a short-tailed, quick-hoofed, warm-tempered, " brindle heifer," in fly time, as to attempt to draw " one drop " of the " milk of human kindness " from the " breast " of " sum " callous, virtue-perspiring, sycophant humbug, yclept, the pie-us man.* The " milk of human kindness " is the bond of true fellowship that attracts a man to his " fellers," and is to man's moral nature what cow's milk is to a weaning infant. Nature is much warped for the want of either, if good : watered milk of either kind is of no account, except to raise hypocrites on, or throw into "sum" unused manure pile. The " gin-e-wine " milk is a better regenerator than old rye * Jonas may have meant pious man,,for most of the pious men he met were of the give-ws-the-piekind, he told me.— (Ed.) 40 " The Milk of Human Kindness? and honey even, and much superior to schnapps and stale ale. It makes the eye to shine, the face to beam, the phy- sical body stronger and more elastic. It gives, to the young man of fifty, the youthful appearance of a middle- aged person of twenty — with whiskers grown. It en- dows the stranger with courage to address, the infant with the privilege of prattle, the mendicant with the right of begging, and the outcast with authority to plead. It is an extract from the best, purest feelings of man's nature. It flows like a brook that "takes its start" from its spring in the mountain, gracefully and humorously, to the general irrigating of the dry soil of worldly inter- course. Rising up from the depths of the heart, it meanders gleefully down even unto a mans finger-ends and big-toe- nails ; and that man could no more kick at an old hat (that he knew there were no bricks in), or refrain from giving to a blind beggar (even if he were a supposed im- postor), than a hypocrite could " mount to the skies" on strength of good deeds, or a good man tell long-drawn lies with deep-drawn sighs for charity's sake. It is a surer aid to health and long life than would have been Ponce-de-Leon's worshipped fountain of per- ennial youth ; as the former invigarates both the mental and physical essence of man, and it is tolerably good as a skin purifier. It causes old age to condone the errors of youth, and compels youth to smile reverently at the eccentricities of old age. It conceals, as with a garment, blindness, deafness, lameness, and other innumerable ills that flesh is heir to ; and covers up with the long cloak of charity a "multitude pf sins." The only sin it will not cover, " and hide its shame " The Milk of Human Kindness." 41 from every eye," is, the longest-tailed sin of all, hy- pocrisy. Heaven is the only place — if there — where charity will be enabled to procure a cover for that tiling's tail. " KNTGHT " EKR'D AND TRY'D AGAIN. " There was an old man," in the county in which I* used to live, named Knight (he wasn't a " dark " man neither — stumbling in the day-time as well as the night) who was always blundering, like the most of the rest of us ; but, with indomitable energy, he — to use his own language — "jumped up and tried again." With all his falls and errors, he managed to worry thro' a long and virtuous life, and die truly respected. May his ashes rest in peace (not pieces), and where he has gone, may " mashed potatoes " grow as luxuriantly as those " over which," in life-time, he "loved to fondly linger." His ancestors, in olden time, were very worthy people, spreading their seed in every clime, and protecting weak females and lonely youth. After a while they formed a band ; and they were called Knights Errant, and their deeds Knight Errantry. From what my old friend told me, I have supposed that this name of Knight Errantry was derived from the fact that " these Knights often erred in the course pursued to defend and protect, but, erring, tried again." I guess my friend was right; anyhow, as he adopted the "try again" motto for his own guide in life — and as much because he believed it were his ancestors', " Knight " Errd and Tryd Again. 43 as from any other reason — I ain't got no right to doubt it (?). We, methinks, need some Knight Errantry now- adays, to protect the weak and defeat the strong ; not armed with, shield and buckler of metal, nor armor of steel (not steal — nor stolen, as the apparel of " sum " folks that now live), but with courageous heart, willing hand, and active brain, to argue for truth and right, and strike for the lowly and oppressed. A whole band of the Knight's-Errant of now could be "run" thro' the "eye of a needle " much easier than a " little toy camel " could — which, according to " sum" prophet (?) of old, must have been a pretty tough job. B} T -the-bye, did you never notice that the prophets of to- day were looking pretty constantly after " sum " other "profits f and more so than to the advice of their ancient " masters." The prophets of to-day will prophesy about anything, from the coming of a comet (not Comte) or a Jesus — to either destroy or free a world (of sinners) — to foretelling the untimely death of a tobacco-smoker, from a frequent application of clay-pipe to his mouth. They get awfully fooled as to the fulfillment of either their wishes or their prophesy — sometimes. Anyhow ! it has happened so, as to that concerning me and the comet, and I am very much disinclined to believe but what it will "turn out so," as to the foretell- ings concerning others. If Jesus should " come again," he will likely find these prophets as the "head ones" of an army of stoners, unless he bring some army with him, for then they would figure mostly at the tail-end. When I see these fellers meandering around I know they mean to prophesy 44 " Knight " Errd and Tryd Again. of the loss of pocketbooks to some folks (and it are gene- rally the only one of their "git up" that's ever fulfilled), and hence, as I never liked to have even the loss of a yocketbook foretold (?), you see, I generally " strike out loosely" for — well ! elsewhere. The noble (!) night errants of to-day, say long prayers oefore some lonely widows and orphans, and afterwards, smilingly and coaxingly, attempt to " hoax " them out of the few stray dimes a "deceased darling" has bequeathed them. I wish (?) I were a fightist, but I ain't. The Errant- Knights of this vicinity (where you may find out) don't seem to imagine they err at all ; and hence, of course, see no necessity of trying again ; and I suppose that accounts for the small amount of K night-Errantry that is lying around loose in the gullies and on the hills, in the kitchen and on the parlor carpet of the people in " these parts." I, at least, have, as yet, been unable to " sight " much, as I have been " lingering along " these last few years. KEMINISCENCES. " Sum TTn" says, that the above word signifies " some- thing that brings to our mind things (?) that have here- tofore transpired." Maybe " sum un " knows. If so, it accounts to my mind for the large amount of reminis- cences now on hand in the family of your Uncle Jonas. Most of the families of my immediate vicinity have enough of the vegetable {?) on hand to go all around and some to spare. I've heard of some families so large that measles and whooping cough wah't sufficient for the de- mand (?), but not so as to reminiscences, as far as my most inquisitive friends have been able to inform me. [For several years I have seemed to observe a growing demand for " whoops " — no ! hoops, I mean.] When the market gets scarce of stock, as to reminis- cences, lam going to sell mighty " short " — you may bet ; leaving but " monstrous " little for seed. A broken china dog and a " ditto " sheep bring to my mind a sad remembrance of youthful spankings received from the hand of an affectionate maternal parent. As to my infantile commencement, I have nothing whereof to speak, nor do I at this time exactly know what my lamented fore-father had for his breakfast at that epoch of the world's history — my natal day. (I am inclined to think that he broke his fast by discussing, mildly, (i sum " briled ham, " sum " scrambled eggs, 46 Reminiscences. " sum " bees-quit,* and a enp or so of " Yuppon" tea, with a settler in the shape of old rye and honey — but I "dinna ken.") I have made the acquaintance of " sum " very wise people, in the course of my eventful life, that would assert that they could tell, to an egg, how many eggs were poached, the morning of their birth, for their family repast ; but they were, I've particularly noticed, " unkimmon " smart (?) folks. The Simpkinses never could claim, naturally, any ex- cess of '•'smart," altho' circumstances have surrounded them, after birth, that disclosed unto them the mysteries of " sum" smart, of the birch-rod kind, at least. Our parents taught that very uncomfortable, but very use- ful lesson, of " Spare the rod and you spoil the child ; " and as much by practice as preaching, did they exem- plify it. Even down to the present day we believe in and practice " object " teaching, and think a good deal of extract of birch, as a family medicine, in severe cases of hard-headedness. Our not using poached eggs in our family may have been the cause of our not being born smart. I don't know why else. Maybe some " philolo- gist " can tell, if I can't. Of my " maturer " years I have succeeded in retain- ing "sum" very lively reminiscenses, "in the way of" well-thumbed school-books, and a verse or so of hiss- candy poetry, which I never quote — especially to Sally Jane. I am " too old a coon " for that. I was blessed with but very few sweethearts — not half so many as the killing youth of to-day — partly, no doubt, *Jonas always spelt his words wrong if there was any opportunity given of doing so. See above (for biscuit). — {Ed.) Reminiscences. 47 on account of the much grin on my classic (?) phiz, but also probably owing to the fact that we couldn't " feel so jolly " without " a Dolly Yarden on," etc. Did you never observe that the fashionable youth never grins (?)but that he benignly, condescendingly, lets a little half-sick, half-sad, intellectual (?) smile tremble on his upper-lip for a moment, to be dropped into the fathomless depths of oblivion's darkness the next inter- val of clock-ticking. Oh ! it's very sublime, and very "pecooiier," that ambiguous mellowness that diffuses itself o'er his tender visage. It is ! very ! ! ! Also for this period I possess (for life) a lasting re- miniscence in the matter of a broken nose — broken by too prompt attention to another's business, and running against a tree in the interest thereof. This circumstance ought to have taught me two lessons : lstly, That, generally speaking, a sycamore-tree are harder timber than some boys* heads. 2ndly, That minding some- body's else's business, on small pay, was much injurious to one's complexion. I can't say, tho', that it has. Experience may be a wise teacher, but she don't teach us thorough, always. There can always be some consolation " picked up " from most events of life, if hunted for industriously and consistently ; and so, when, as I sat me down to medi- tate, I reconsidered how my face might have been peeled, and mouth mashed (had it not have been for my nose warding off the blow, like a Titan's shield,) I shed silent tears of joy. No more, after that, did 1 hanker after less nose; for I deemed them of use, if but to "fend off" " sum " blows. A nose, like a trumpet, is a darned good thing to blow upon (or with). 48 Reminiscences. A ten-quire book could be " written up " on the sub- jects, noses and knowses, blows-es and blowses — if a feller were literary inclined — methinks. Of still later years I have a reminder — from four years' battling for others' wrongs — in a skinned shin, whereon I used at one time much " ointment ; " and of an unsuccessful mercantile career, in the large amount of " so-called " indebtedness, and the small quota of remaining credit ; and of a successful courtship, in the inspiring presence of my much esteemed Sally Jane (whisper not to the hreezes, of those candy kisses), and "sum" very interest- ing, but hungry children. The reminiscenses of my latter life " throng before me " mostly in the shape of dilapidated linen, old coats without tails, old boots without legs, socks " not much else " but legs, pants " without seats" a few chapters of the Psalms by the David what killed " Golier mit a stun," and a " phew " unpaid doctors', grocers', and various other very small (?) bills. These last articles will, I suppose, like unto the bill of a savage musquito in summer weather (whew ! Con- found that musquito ! Darn him ; I'll write him up — I wish I could, thro' a " spout," " send him up "), con- tinue to be gentle reminders for some time to come, unless they agree to take their pay in " Simpkins' talk," " Siinpkins' music," or u Simpkins' aromatic," or unless the comet strikes us — when musquitoes and grocers' bills will "go up" together. Always consolation (!), you know, in everything. May the reminders of the present be more pleasant to the reader, in his time to come, than your Uncle Jonas seems to imagine his own, is likely to prove. Reminiscences. 49 This is the earnest wish of Tours Serenely, his wife (Sally Jane), and his much injured (?) progeny. Altho' the contact with the world "has tended to eradicate all the whilom good-natured grin, that once meandered along my boyish countenance, yet I'll be " horn-swaggled " — if I canH trade off my reminiscences to anybody, cheap, for potatoes, snaps, or sich — if I am going around begging anybody to " take them off of my hands " for a song — I don't like song that well. No ! Sir!! "Not for Jonas." P.S. — "Sum 1111" (else) says, "I understand that the heading of your say, so-called, means recollections" Well ! Suppose it does. I ain't a Webster, nor a contender, nor pretender. " Let it slide." I golly. Besides, if it comes to that, I have several of " them " re-collections on hand also that I'd barter off" for " sum" patent plows to go farming on shares with (but I'd pre- fer my share to be sitting in the umbrageous shade of a vine-clad porch, fully satisfied if my partner can raise the " taters "), or patent burning fluid (to blow up some unserphist-ic-ated fool with), and " no questions axed." I've got nothing else that I'd be willing to trade for patents, unless it be some worn-out toothpicks. Recollections are generally mixed, as to quality and quantity — like some low bilious fever, so-called — and mine are so " offal "* mixed that they ain't sweet, as to smell, worth a scent. * Jonas sometimes spelt awful, " Offal ; " whether he meant it there, I don't know. — (Ed.) "BREVITY, THE SOUL OF WIT." If I were going to recommend, to some folks, some thing of importance, I imagine I should be very brief about it. I should be brief, as to my courtship, if I were a young man ; I should be brief, if I were a young woman, in my reply to said proposal ; I should be brief, if I were a preacher, as to my sermons or my prayers ; I should be brief, if I were a lawyer, in writing out my case ; I should be brief, if I were a doctor, in bringing my patient to his, or her, senses — even if I had to dun them on the last year's bill before I could achieve it ; I should be brief, if I were a worm-mixture man, as to my stay in Arkansas ; I should be brief, if I were an authoress, in my epistles for the press and the public ; I should be brief (but to the point), if I were a parent (and I guess I am), as to the free ! distribution of birch- rod serenades to sum hungry (for a whipping) juvenile offenders. But when I say, " I'd be brief," I don't say " I'd be witty." Wit may be, possibly, expressed in few words; but a few words may not, tho', be wittily expressed. No, sir! Brevity aint wit (from a saw- buck standpoint). Is a h'ce-dog's snap, wit ? Is a short- ened dog's tail, or a stub nose, wit ? Is being short of funds, wit ? I don't believe it are, nor my grocer either. As to whether wit has a soul or not, I'd leave to the Divine — others may turn it over to the " so-called " Brevity the Soul of Wit. 5 1 divines, to turn over again (and again). "Wit, correctly (and sqfe-]j) ^-pressed is done up in small parcels, — but it is very slow work to get them well wrapped. A fool's thoughts, like light-weight baggage on a freight train, can be shoved forward fast — but they often get smashed up before reaching destination. A wise man's words are slow of flow ; but a fool's speech is, like a badly-worn waste-pipe, always letting out a flood in a wrong direction. A wise man has to take time to utter a few words ; but a fool can rattle off, in a minute, a sufficiency of gab to last a tolerably easily satisfied audience for a long while. Nature always compensates even to the fool ; for, if his utterances amount to but little, the time consumed in their delivery ain't worth mentioning. A wise man, altho' valuing time muchly, yet accounts real thought as of more worth than moments fled. Time is only valuable as to the amount of good that it enables him to accomplish. A fool cares for it only as the steam-car of pleasure — never really thinking of it at all, except as pas-time for himself. A wise man may sometimes appear foolish, but you can't answer him as you would a fool — " according to his folly." It ain't best to be brief, tho' — even if brevity is wit, which I hain't acknowledged — in eating hot porridge with a broken-tined fork ; in composing a camp-meeting song ; in reading the history of the world, or studying nature ; in " discoursing sweet music " with a violincello — when every body wishes to dance ; in discharging a good " hand " or dallying with a " poor one " (it's best to be brief, tho', in " clearing your skirts " of a mean employer,) ; or in getting in a quarrel (altho' it would seem best to be very brief in "getting out of it "). 52 Brevity the Soul of Wit. To he brief, I might say more, for this, like most other articles in this little book, is intended to be " short," if it ain't " sweet." " Sum " folks are said to live on their so-called wit, but, as for our family, we prefer cold turnips, as a constant diet, to the kind of wit these people must " mumble over." horace greeley's "old white hat: 1 Why Horace wore that " white hat" I don't pretend to know — never having interviewed him on that sub- ject. I have always, tho', suspected that he was utterly disgusted with the sycophancy, vanity, and false pride contained in the heads that most of the shining beavers covered. Being possessed of this disgust for the men, I have imagined that he instituted (for himself, like) the useful white hat — as a symbol of his desire to shun their faults and to disdain their beavers. It is said, also, that " that old white hat " got rusty and weather-beaten from contending with the weathers, as they vary during the changing seasons. If that was allowed also from a desire to show that as long as a hat covered the (or a) head it answered the purpose intended ; and that, instead of going in debt for a new one, it were better to wear the old, why, then I am a Greeley man, even if I don't vote (or never have voted) for him. [For I ain't much on the vote, yet-a-while, altho' I don't say that I " mayn't " some day be.] There's lots of folks, — in fact, most everybody and his wife, wife's cousins and step- sisters,— that are willing and even anxious to accept things "as they seem," without examining into the causes ; but, methinks, if " too inconvenient at the time " (as they say), great inconvenience might be saved, 54 Horace Greeley s " <9/<^ White HatT "arter" awhile, by a little dose being taken "at once." A "stitch in time saves nine," might apply to more things than darning socks, or patching torn pants. If the employer were to bestow on employees some of the kindness that he seems (?) willing to lavish on them after their departure, there might be less disturbances between workmen and " bosses " — fewer " strikes " for right and justice. If people would pay a little less attention to " sum " apparel and a little more to " sum " kind actions to others — encouraging brains and muscle — this hemisphere, methinks, might become partly hap- py " arter awhile." Until then, never ! You " watch if it does." If Greeley wears "white hat" because he wants to, and don't care " what others think," I say, hurrah for he, or his " heirs and assigns " forever. "TO EEE IS HUMAN, TO FOEGIYE DIVINE." This don't require any proof — " purvided " your di- vines (?) will tell us what humanity and divinity con- sist of. Without that, (?) a man, with "half-an-eye " open for observation, may-haps might be able to discern a portion of truth (?) in the assertion. Yes ! " ad infinitum " " ad finem " (" infinitely," " to the end.") It's the surest way I have yet " pursued " to try to discover about this divine business, and is the only way I could ever " account for " the small amount of real divinity and the large quantity of " bogus " human- ity that's " afloat " on the current (not currant — for this " life-that-now-is," is no soft-shell berry, but a nut, and a very " hard nut to crack" at that. — I've found it) of ex- istence. At least those, with whom I've had the exquisite plea- sure (?) of becoming thoroughly and intimately acquainted with, seemed to be afflicted with much-err and but little-forgive (without their own knowledge, tho', I am told). If forgiving error is a divine attribute, the con- doning of the errors of others committed against others (than ourselves) must be second cousin to some divine- ness, and the confession of our own errors somewhat closely akin likewise thereto. I have sometimes seemed tempted 56 " To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine." to imagine that there are " sum " persons, that I have thought that I possessed some slight knowledge of, who did'nt seem to remember how they could lie (and I might add, "might, would, or should " lie), when they av- erred that they never " 'ave erred." A friend of mine supposes that, as they have told themselves so often, (in their closet), that they didn't err, that they expect man- kind, and the Good Lord, to " take their word for it " on all other occasions. If these kind of non-divisible, not- advisable species of dried-up human perfection (?) ever do err (and I have to reckon they do), it is rarely ever on the side of Justice (blind woman at that) and never on the Mercy side, at all, but chiefly on their own side, or on that side of Justice where the biggest, fullest pocket hangs. Consequently, their errors are no errors, but simply their dues (they say). Such dues as these ain't such as Heaven sheds on ajntted world, but such as are significantly styled " Church dues." [When a man, of " hefty -ness " treads on my corns, I may say nothing, but 1 feel it then. I hope this don't constitute an error, or airer either.] Now, somehow or other, your Uncle Jonas has always (or most always) felt that he " wanted to go home " whenever his path in life crossed that of these sancti-mon-i-ous, hypocritical blowhards ; and, sorter like a little boy that's just fell over a loorm fence, feels for his empty pocketbook and stray buttons. I don't claim much divinity worth speaking of, for I am not yet "wrought up "to exactly that "frame of mind" that forgives those who rob the poor of the bread (needed for the children's mouths.) to add to the stock of " crumbs " to be thrown to their pet curs, or to raise a little higher the pillar of " scraps " to be " To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine" 57 sent to " sum " so-called Charity Hospital, in which they propose to advertise their character for so-called benefi- cence. I seem sometimes to desire to know : That if, " on a semi-occasional like," a little more humanity-ness were " diffused " loosely among mankind at large it wouldn't be the seed for a growth of some large-sized divinity-ness. If not ! why not? Sometimes I am in- clined to decide, in." my own mind, that I blundered into this world, am blundering through it (and have been "forever" — so long?) and that it will be just my "fool luck " to stumble, " unaxed " for, in that world which, we are advised to imagine, " lays beyond " — where the preachers don't know, nor gingernuts ain't supposed to grow. Sad, ain't it ? But such is life. If Jonas Simpkins has been of any service in this world it has undoubtedly partly been in the helping to keep up the assortment of " fools," that seem necessary (if for nothing else) to afford a little target for other sim- pletons to fire their stale wit at. There is no sadness at my heart's core for this, for they shoot very wide of the mark — so much so that it are deemed happiness by me to be the target, for their shots either hit their friends on the " passage out " or are likely to rebound from the side of a dead tree to their own side. " Even to this day " I have to give thanks, not so muchly on account of hav- ing erred, as, from knowing them, I am willing to ac- knowledge those errors I have committed. This ain't saving, tho', that I expect to count them over for you. If private confession are good for the soul, I don't suppose that public confession is going to bring in any considerable amount of happiness, or, the equivalent, a large crop of " mashed potatoes." Up to 58 "To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine" my latest meditation neither " rhyme nor reason " have seemed to warm me into " too great an enthusiasm " about the likelihood of ever putting on a " divinely shaped form." It undoubtedly (?) is because the Good Lord has never seen fit to " open my mind to a view of sjnrit-im\ things." I had, " once on a time," an idea that I was conversant with the spirit's touch. But on consideration, " since" I guess I wan't (?). Most of the long-metre saints partake vert/ much of the character I saw described in a paper some time back. This "genus homo" had the faculty of attending " sum " church on Sunday, and breaking some of the Ten Commandments, so-called divine, on the weeky days. His "much-loved pastor" remonstrated with this err- ing " saint " (?) seemingly, tho', to no effect. One Sunday, tho', his pastor, after " axing of his health," asked con- cerning his chicks, his neighbors chicks and his neigh- bors turkeys also — as much as to say " hast theu thy neighbor's goods ? " The pious sinner denied the " mild impeachment," as to the above articles, and (to see how easily and beautifully we glide into error here) his lender thanked God " that my brother liveth " and " went his way rejoicing:" but the old " stone-breaker " couldn't "stand the pressure " long, after his " superior " had left him, but rather sighed and whispered to an interested bystander; "Ef he'd a sed ducks, he'd a had me." We only have to ask, figuratively speaking, of most men about " clacks " and " we'll had 'em." I think Frank Leslie is entitled to the fathering of the story, tho' worded differently, that is related of above. If so, I thank him (or I don't know if he shouldn't " To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine." 59 thank me); I think I'll ask Frank about it, when I see him. P. S. Just now I found a man that is willing to ac- knowledge that he once or twice committed "sum " error — and that acknowledgment without fear of Tartarus or hope of a mansion in the skies either; for I had no au- thority to provide him a passport to either point (if I knew which or where he'd be best cared for at). Per- haps, like Crockett's Dutchman, " he'd taken a little too much toll ; " altho' I never " axed " him, for I had no toll, worth mentioning, to be hankered arter even by a blind negro. I at once (not knowing his faults, nor caring either) felt for a dime to buy some loaf of bread to divide with him. My money was " non est." I found out " a long time ago " that manna (nor money either) don't rain down from heaven's " cloudless skies " as it is said to have done in Good Moses' time ; and if it did the hu- mane of earth wouldn't get but a mighty small " grab," unless divinely helped. N. B. Fools may err and never know it ; Wise men err and never show it. FIGURES NEVER LIE. " If two and two make four, and two by two are 4, and two and three are five, why ain't two by three equal to 5 ? Why ! " Easy enough." Because they ain't. It ain't reasonable that it should be. Any man that would propound such a question as that (and that " right in the face " of " such lights " as Emerson and Smith) ought to be required to solve the problem of " how long a man's nose might be, by the giving of the number of mile posts his foot covers," or " how sour an old bache- lor can look, after an evening's successful courting of the chamber-maid (who can now-a-days be taken for the mis- tress, and which he has unconsciously done) by the color of the maiden's hair being told," or " how much soap grease can be pleasantly secured from the successful skim- mings of the stewings-down of half-dozen long-biWd musquitoes." There are a good many things which it are well enough to know the concerning which, perhaps ; but your Uncle Jonas has lived long enough to find out that " thar ar " a great many more things, the ignorance of which " ar," or mought be, blissfuller than the "sum" "intimate acquaintance with." Whether the " analyzing " of the smell of " thorough- bred" Limburger cheese would be of any immediate benefit to the American Indian, so-called, or whether - Figures Never Lie. 61 the chemical composition of biled owl would increase, if known, the " hanker arter " the dish by some Simp- kinses, I am not, as yet, fully authorized to unreserved- ly attest the wherefore of. Where " sum " good is not likely to accrue to him, or his heirs forever (?), your Uncle Jonas is not of those who is ver}^ anxious to stumble hastily forward in the pursuit after " sum " so-called wisdom. No ! not any more than a " singed cat" would be very anxious to play a second time at the " old game " of pulling chestnuts out of the tire for an exceedingly insinuating monkey. This working for their own glory (or anybody else's glory) may do for a second-class street politician, or rat-pie investments of yery small earnings, saved from the results of mental and physical labor, may satisfy the cravings of a well- ordered celestial, but neither of them won't answer, quite as well as mashed potatoes, for the steady hunger of the much-suffering (?) family of Jonas Simpkins. This striving after the correct answer to badly con- structed conundrums — the results of the superhuman ef- forts of a weak-brained genius (?) that has labored zeal- ously and "at last" achieved a satisfactory production of a poor pun or an ill-formed moustache — is as happily beneficial to mankind in general, or productive of gener- ous profits to investigators of scientific truth, as might be the wading (?) of a River Nile for an elephant's tusk and securing a fish-bone, or hunting for a needle in a hay- stack and finding a poorly-hidden, badly-digested, crowbar. As to myself, I can say, with right hand up, that I'd as soon attempt to try to refute slander and hunt up the originator of it, or drive sweet-scenting flies out of an 62 Figures Never Lie. empty (?) sugar hogshead, as to go in that kind of " biz- ness" for a livelihood. A man rarely ever "suck-seeds" in securing the fastly-moving, good-natured exit of flies from a sweetened hogs-head, but he may be suck-sessfull in attaining to the great excellence of becoming well- coated in a well-daubed thickness of sugar and flies, about the head and shoulders (?) of his own calf : in fact, I'd constantly and continually advise my boys (if I had any) to " keep well to leeward of," or off from around, sugar hogsheads, with white tights on. I do not mean here that sugar hogsheads do wear white tights, but that some boys may. I say this, be- cause some persons might think (or think I meant) differently. I do not much think that sugar, and flies, and tights, mixed, present an overwhelmingly pleasing sight to the eye of a tasty admirer of the beauties of summer cos- tume. " Sum " may differ. But, now for a butt about figures. I've known moderately intelligent young men, that, from the results of too imaginative a temperament, couldn't add four columns of ones, correctly — either supposing them right when they were wrong, or having them wrong when they imagined they were right. I am prepared, as a figurer, to state, from some long experience (having followed ciphering before cheap "figures" were the fashion — when I had to take to sawing " sum " little sticks of wood to procure baked bread for my eager family), that if four figures are distinctly " set down right under each other," in a row, that (by consulting "sum" standard arithmetic instead of the imagination) a sufficiently correct " answer " may be obtained for the ordinary demands of a " -paying business." Figures Never Lie. 63 Imagination may do to write poetry or " spin yarns " with, but it won't do to add by worth a naught (or an 0), no more than it are good for semiring dirty floors with. Sally Jane — my wife — says soap suds and hot water are the best thing for much-greased floors; and I have thought that brains, instead of*" fancy," were most sought for by those who desired correct figuring " done." Scrubbing floors and correct adding ain't imaginative at all, at least not according to the Simpkins' experience. Figures, systematically " stood up " in a line, and the line carefully perused with your left fore-finger (as I u calcu- Z#fe")will prove the truth of the assertion that, " Figures, like Geo. Washington's little ax (?), could never lie." P. S. There is " sum " exceptions to this assertion, tho' ; for there are some numbers that — unlike arithme- tic figures — lie outrageously, zealously, and unceasingly. There was a figure of a man (a person that might be figure-ate-ively represented by a 9, with its tail off, the 9 being the estimate of his own self-conceit, and an the estimate that others put on his great moral and intellec- tual worth (?) ) that I once labored for the glory of, that lied regularly, s} T stematically, and scientifically. As 1 don't like much, if any, of that commodity, I had to leave — for unless I could have oiitlied Mm, he couldn't respect me. Lieing may be a good thing to peddle schnapps (or " snaps ") with, but it won't usually fill your little market basket with much vegetables (i. e., rightiy). My above- mentioned boss was a vert imaginative man, and could say-we-ar (not swear, oh no!) "telling you correctly (?)" " to an inch," as to the size of a " tumbler," which al- ways " fell short " an inch, if selling it depended on its magnitude. 64 Figures Never Lie. Did you ever make a computation for this class of folks ? They take unto themselves the glory, as naturally as fishes (small) gobble worms, and with the consequen- tial air of a drum-major on parade day ; or that the little dish, in the little nursery tale of Cock Robin, might have assumed, when saying : "-I," said " the dish, with my little fish, I caught his blood." " Sich is life " (with your lief, or lie-it* ). Figuring, except for position, is below par, and figuring for position don't pay a steady worker. A man that " puts in much time " in getting a place, don't intend " for to put in " much after he secures it — at least I am led to believe so from the unbiased obser- vations of others. This figuring for position is nowadays very intriguing, and as to the profit, really and honestly, to be derived therefrom, very "onsartan." You hear the Simpkins' horn blow, and, if I may say it, as perhaps ought not to say it, before that " thing toots'' sum " chick- en " has been usually peeled. Maybe I may become desirous after a while that my little children may learn to " do " " sum " figures on a slate at home — but never, I trust, on " sum " character abroad. This "cutting a figure" abroad (on character) re- sembles somewhat the cutting of characters on the ice, of a winter day (by a skater). Both parties are liable to secure a tolerable share, either of head-ache or head- " brake" — on account of some contortions. A figure 4, for a " deadfall ? ' to catch rabbits with, is the best figure to cut that I know of. Most of persons delight in securing the able (?) ser- vices of a very refined personage who can make figures Figures Never Lie. 65 lie — for them. I haint up to that standard of excellence, and hence am not eagerly sought for. Who cares ? I don't ! What I lose in pewter dimes and false position, I may gain in self-respect. Who can answer \ • "MUSIC HATH CHAEMS TO SOOTHE 'THE SAY AGE BEEAST."' So I Lave hearn, but never having witnessed its suc- cessful efforts in " becalming " of a lone Injun, rhinoce- ros, alligator, boa-constrictor or she-bear, — nor in fact as to anything but a " man-monkey," tame organ- grinder or " sich," — of course I am fully, not exactly, prepared to present an entirely disingenious opinion on this subject. I have often, tho' — yes ! more often than otherwise — been convinced that people talk more upon some matter that don't especially concern them, and of which they know nothing, than would seem to be enter- taining to their admiring comrades, or productive of profit to themselves. This " talking to hear one's self talk," I should suppose, was, like " talk much and no drinkee cider," very worrying to the mouth and muchly full of empty sug- gestion to the stomach. Wishing to post myself on the subject, I tried various methods, and, among others, Sangerfesting. Having seen a good deal in the papers, sometime since (of the blow kind) — and among others that of " Ho ! for the Sangerfest " — I concluded I'd try to find out what it all meant, and if it were of half the importance " that it showed on the face," Sally Jane would have to divest herself of "sum" of her "hidden treasures" ("sum" few nickels in the cor- Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. 6j ner of a knotted kerchief), or I'd try to know the why for which. I tried to learn and obtain (for the sake of in- vestigation for public information) the cause of these things. An Americanized Dutchman informed me that it were a big sing (or big thing, I don't know which), and Sally Jane disclosed the secret of " wherein her fortune lay." Sally Jane — " when the spirit moves her " — is very brief as to the use of words to express " thoughts that burn," and on that very account I have mostly admired her. Her manner is forcible and her language " unique," for when I ask to go, she says mildly " Go," and when I don't seem to want to depart worth a darn, she com- mandeth haughtily, " Go-o-o." I always thought " I'd letter go," then. In the town in which I lay me down to sleep — the sleep of innocence — I couldn't get a job of cutting cord- wood, at a dollar a cord, or for parting the hair for in- tellectual young men at more than a (s)cent a minute. It didn't takee me much longer, consequently, than the turn over of an " apple dumpling," or longer than a fice- dog's shortened tail, or longer than the prayers of a sick parson, to decide that some sing was the only something that would either cure my " lit of blues " or ward off the billious fever. Iprejjare to go. For your Uncle Jonas to prepare to go, is to " went." So, with a dilapidated carpet-bag, well crammed with a lonely " biled-shirt," a pair No. 11 socks, and a borrowed collar (of paper, of course), and a half-worn tooth-pick, and sum ham and hoecake to breakfast on, on my left arm like, I sauntered to the place of leaving, and, " arter awhile" left. 68 Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. You ought to just have seen us Sangers (for I was a Sanger, or trying darned hard to be), kissing our vrows goodbye, and shaking hands with beer glasses and other "friends." It were "rich," you bet. Shakespeare's drama of " Much Ado about Nothing," when critically acted, couldn't come "no whar nigh" to the affording of amusement, to grinning peanut-boys and giggling girls, that this sad (?) leave-taking of departed friends did. Altho' our Sangers were sad (?) at starting, I seemed to notice that they bore up (or beered up) " pretty well " during the voyage ; in fact, I didn't discover that they ever " went back on " any beer, provided the train ever stopped long enough to water it (the engine, I mean ; for the Germans act sensible in not watering their beer, as ever I have found out). I've understood that a Dutchman " hastens slowly " in his successful attempts to " shove down " some beer, yet I would be willing to bet that more " lighters mit Sigel " can beer and cheese up (at a free lunch-table) in a limited five minutes than the same "quantity " of any other class can in an hour. (Americans are "sum " at free lunch too, and the Teuton will have to " look to " his " laurels " and beer glasses). A vote was taken about this time (by sum feller) for " who should have " the " next chance " for a " cottage " on the Potomac, as President of these United States, so- called — but it made " nothing out ; " and I guess by this time the vote, and the " feller " too, are forgotten by most of the Sangers " there present." We, Sangers, didn't care much, worth mentioning, at that precise moment, who should be the fortunate (?) Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. 69 controller of " the beans," or occupant of that cottage. As we "warn't" of a "class" that "took" the moon for "green cheese," just because "sum un" said so, we weren't prepared to stand still and hear it argued on. No ! not "just then." Lesson to "take to heart;" Never consult a Sanger about voting, nor preaching, when he is " on a sing," or he may request you to " conclude your remarks " by " singing him a little song." You may be hoarse, you know, and " really can't sing " (a maiden's refrain). We reached our destination, after sum tribulation, much beer (no bier), and "sum " sing ; and the Sangers, in a body, were " captured " by other Sangers, and taken bodily to a first-class hotel, of five floors. They were given (?) the fifth floor as a matter of courtesy; a reward of merit, I suppose. Such rewards (of merit), as that above, have been "my luck" in this life generally— but not this time. When I used the word bodily, above, as regards San- gers, I didn't intend to signify that they regarded me as a Sanger. For they didn't do any such a thing — not at all, " at all." Altho' I sang " all the way along " of " the little busy bee," " Old Uncle Ned," " When the swallows homeward fly," and " Old Lang Syne " (throw- ing in," for good measure" " The little house that Jack built," " The Dutch soldier" and " The Dutch boy too,") yet I didn't seem to "jumble up well" with them, altho' I kinder imagined " after while" that my last two attempts at " chin-music " my band might cheer. The cheers never " come." I have, after much meditation, led my mind to believe that music was so far down in either their souls or (with their beer) in the depths of their pro- yo Music hath Char vis to Soothe the Savage Breast. visional deposit, that I hadn't sufficient of tape-line with hook attachment to draw out the cheers with. Thusly I am cheered. " If nobody else cheers us, let us cheer up ourselves," is my motto, when I can. I can't al- ways can. I have sometimes thought (on the fly (?) ) that, as to a Dutchman, beer always "followed music," even if music didn 't always come close on to the rear of some beer ; and most oftenly I have seemed to consider that it "are "only after a consolation, (?) "in the shape of " some 20 beers, that a German of Dutch descent could make any kind of a sing. Altho' not bodily carried away by Sangers, yet I were — while I gently wandered toward a neighboring restaurant — mentally overcome by the emblems of " welcome," which were hung on to every door-post, window-sill, and front gate-way that I pass'd. Near beer gardens there were especially an enor- mous number of them. (The right word, as used, was " wilkommen," and it was some time before I could correctly ascertain whether it were intended to signify welcome or beer. I found out all about it (?), tho', at last, from inquiry of a well-em- blemed Dutch bar-tender, who said they had plenty of welcome, but for Sangers only; and that beer was 5 cents a glass.) Now, when I reached the restaurant, I hoped that my luck " might change," that "begats bienna " would " heave up," and greet me brotherly welcome. (I mean that heave up for the body of " sum " Dutch-man — not the " body " of some beer.) Not so ! A " square meal " was only come-at-able by the expenditure of some " loose " nickels ; and even when I sang (?), extemporaneously, "the good old air" of Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast, j i " Home, Sweet Home " (where I wished I might have been), it didn't seem to reduce the price of " ham and greens " in that particular locality — not in my particu- lar case at least. Now I am inclined to slightly surmise that no matter if the air were to resound with the notes of such music as might delight the bosom of a despairing bull- frog, that nickels must be " spilt " for what peas and corn-dodger might be required to satisfy the hunger of any travel-worn, thirsty sons of Japheth (one of whom at that especial time I was) which might pass that way. Concluding thusly, I sauntered in that provision stall, collared some chair, and betook myself to my duties of masticating raw beefsteak and turnip-soup. Suspecting that if any brass-band, with flags a-fiying, or handy mon- key, with organ attached, were to attempt to "lather" the atmosphere with " sum moosic," I " could kill two birds with one stone,' 1 and drink in " moosic " (with my ear), while I swallowed cabbage (well — with a spoon). I ate, at least until my jaw got tired wrestling with that steak ; and then I ate again. I " quit on it " " arter " some short while (?), tho', disgusted at my endeavors to overcome that ox. I wouldn't be afraid to venture (only a short ways, tho', for I don't care to travel much more m that direction ; at least my jaw don't) that that piece of primitive he-bovine, of Noah's importation, is being " served up" yet to a hungry people. I would liked to have had some "jaw " with that animal when living, for he could undoubtedly have enlightened me as to the habits of the " antediluvian " keow ; but not now " no more." I sympathize with the succeeding sojourners that tussled, as to their mouth, throat, or stomach, with 72 Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. that remainder of slaughtered beef; but I pity mostly the ox whose meat had to be so mangled by the grinders of contending thousands, and from whose bones some naughty urchin will attempt to draw some "good and old " music for unsympathizing maiden aunts. May thy bones lie still, and yet truth tell. Amen. But to go on : There was a " hull " day spent in the very rejuvenating pastime of trying to play Sanger. I whistled "Old Kaintuck," • " Hail Columbia, happy land" (which I ain't believed that Columbia were very much — since she failed to " buy up " San Domingo), and " Arkansaw Traveller," which I are myself. I refused " to let" to any boot-black my cowhide boots, for a cross- eyed-squint at, unless he were clad in festive style, viz. : Prussian flags all around him, American flags all over the top of him, badges all down his trowsers legs, and a Chinese lantern or two on his blacking-box ; I uncere- moniously " cut " every news-boy that wasn't chanting " Sweet Fatherland, " or, " Tell me, how ' cum ' I so " (Simpkin's new song) ; I didn't " know " any one that didn't " sprechen Deutsch," or wear a momentary beer-mug on the back of his head, or a long stem pipe in his mouth (Dutchman with a cigar in his teeth is too new-styled most) ; I stood under the wide-spreading (?) shade of a full-grown, but insignificant lamp-post, or (partly) under that of a very significant but ill-shaped beer-keg on legs, for the space of fifty beers — about two and a half hours by the ordinary time-pieces. (At a Sangerfest, they usually measure the time and space by the beers, instead of beers by the time and space — the old-fashioned method being too slow for the beers, if not too fast for the times. A friend says, that a Dutchman used to walk a "square" Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. 73 for two beers, spending an hour in his meditations ; but that now he don't meditate a minute about walking a mile, and drinking six beers in about a quarter of the period. If my friend's remarks be true, " how the world does change"). Yes, I stood there, as I said above, watching a long procession of two men in a row, with w7t ite hats on ; and some big brass bands, with no hats on as I saio, until I imagined that if Sally Jane, my wife, ever " set her peepers " on me again, 'twould be in the form of " sum " soap-grease. I went to the hall, where 1,500 singers, " all in a row " — like blackbirds in " sum " pie — , made melodramatic music on short-winded pipes, awaking Orpheus from his blissful beer-swilling dreams to the life that now is, and awakening sleepy news-boys to the prospect of fulfillment of dreams of " extras wanted." I kissed all the women that were will- ing to " salute " any but a Sanger. I partook, partly, of beer with all who were sufficiently pleased (with my per- sonal voice) to treat. I " labored heavily " in the attempt to extract, from a one-stringed Jew's-harp, the musical notes embodied in " You recollect the joys when you and I were boys, John, together," and " The gal I left behind me," for all those who " asked from me a song," at the rate of a nickel a "stave" (three feet long). After all, I found, from the way the nickels were distributed — more to their pockets than to mine — that but few did "care to hear me sing " or play on the Jew's-harp, either. No ! not much more delighted with my Sanger-bility were the} 7 than with the "come to judgment" whine of a brazen street-preacher, that wandered (in mind) from the festive joys of this world to the ethereal, aerial joys of a future existence. His preaching was poor, his audience 74 Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. few, and his nickels fewer (nor mine was). I pity that preacher, I do ; for with warm water for breakfast, cold cabbage for dinner, and a swell-up (on the sidewalk) for what supper he got was " purty tough " on the conscience of the owner, if that conscience had even been a " town- pump." I was convinced of several things, when returned home, that I weren't before. I was convinced that your Uncle Jonas would as soon look for much happiness at the place of destination by simply purchasing a round ticket to and from there, as he would by joining a " band of musicers " to become a Mozart — or as by adding 2 and 2 together correctly to be called a mathe- matician — or as by piling cord-wood to become a good sawyer — or as by turning a hand-organ to "turn out'' a good monkey. [Good monkeys need to be appreciated, both on account of their scarcity and " tine qualities," as well as " sum " other folks — not that I am one of those that am prepared to believe (like Darwin (?) ) that my grandfather or great-grandfather, or my ancestors, even down to the " Know- A' s "* time, was a monkey, but I do believe that many could claim that kind of relation- ship and not be the least disgraced. Of " bad monkey " I want nothing, ask nothing, give nothing, and hence don't desire his acquaintance either in hash or at a hand- organ. No, not at all ! I thank you — just a sufficiency. Of bad monkey, a very little — like the mumps — goes a long ways in the Simpkins family.] I am convinced that a man that would make 5 cents out of a dime trade with a blind rag-picker hasn't much * Jonas, bad pun that ; for Adam Kuew A before Noah did — sure. Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast 75 " music in his soul " worth speaking of — or if lie has, its that of the wheel-squeaking, tin-box-tied-to-a-dog's tail, fice-dog- whining kind, which wouldn't tempt a sick kit- ten from the warm corner of a worm fence, " much less " a respectable man to leave his kith and kin to travel many miles to be disgusted with. I am also convinced that playing on a few beef bones, or driving a tin-wagon over the streets, that's bowldered much, ain't the kind of music that the " savages " I have seen delight in. I am also convinced that most of men are music- murderers, and are morely pleased with those that murder it (the music) most. I am also undeniably convinced that Sally Jane — my , wife — ain't no more pleased with the results .of my musical entertainments, while gone, than I was. 1ST. B. — I have " hearkened " to the " mew-sick " of 40 cats in a garret (or more on the street) and chunked at them (not often tho'), at midnight, with a pair of old boot heels, but without a-vail, while they serenaded me from the side-walk or " lumber closet " ; I have " inclin- ed mine ear " to the gentle seem-funnies (symphonies ?) distilled from a band of brazen players on melodious tin pans, cracked try-angles and wheezy clay-pipes ; I have had my " heart to overflow " with mellowness at the " transcendently-beautiful " productions of a scientific performer on a disorganized, restless hand-organ, and " still, I breathe " (I imagine) ; but for liveliness — in my sorrow — give to me the juice-harp ; for courage — in the dark — a careless prolonged whistle ; for egg-end- tricity — a chicken's chirp (if they do chirp) ; for noise — a pair of bones ; for silence — a maiden's whisper ; for y6 Music hath Charms to Soothe the Savage Breast. kind heartedness — an old man's laugh ; for sympathy — a young man's mother's sigh ; and for a general over- flow of all that is great, good, and grand in my nature, the peaceful strains of ethereal harmony flowing forth from a full-hearted violin, or the genial crow of a well- bred baby. That seem-funny music has never (I can assert positively) filled up that void in my soul that real music, such as music of the spheres, is entitled to a re- served seat in (if it has never claimed it). " WE WANT BUT LITTLE HEEE BE- LOW, NOR WANT THAT LITTLE LONG." Had it been a dirty, disobedient urchin, who — having climbed forbidden apple-trees to the detriment of some fond mother's "June-pippins," or bird's nests, or waded some outlawed brooks to the danger of some life or sum " breeches," — expected to " witness the effects " of some careless birch-rod, as wielded by the ruthless hand of a much-iujured and deeply-insulted " parient," on " sum " bad boy, and as a natural result had made use of that (usually) very strong and unmeaning language: " I want but little here below, nor (do /) want that little long," the philosophic observer might have been struck with the force of the expression, or the " appropriateness " of the occasion. But for a hoary-headed youth, of many summers, without fear of birch-rod " before his eyes," to make use of such expressions, is, to say the least, perfectly ridiculous — ridiculous enough to draw a laugh from an erudite owl, or a smile from a sick monkey, or a grin from the face of some toothless, thin-lipped old maid, or a sigh from a church-mouse. Any one that has observed much, has at least dis- covered that we may have " wants if we have no needs ; that some have needs that don't have any wants ; that a great many more have more wants, and needs also, 78 " We Want but Little here Below, than will likely ever be " fulfilled " in this world, nor — as far as can be officially reported — in tlie world to come. I am told that one of " our late (?) presidents " — John Quincy Adams — once, in quoting the above sentiment of added, " We want but little here below, Nor want that little long," " I find it not just so with me ; But 'tis so in the song." As far as "my experience goes" (for a few years last past), I have been led to believe, seriously, and un- equivocably, and irrevocably, that John, if not wise on all subjects (as who can be), was " purty nigh kurrect " on THAT. Songsters, nor song-makers, nor songs themself, are not much more fitted to rule nor guide mankind than any of the other instruments of man's inquisitorial vanity. Songs may do to sing "hallelujah" with among home- sick females and love-sick swains ; but I wouldn't quote (as a general rule) them as my doctrine before men of " free thought " and ordinary intelligence. If I was in the song-quoting-for-effect business, I think now I would prefer the juvenile song of " Simple Simon Simpkins, how can you do me so," etc., — or " sum sich " — in prefacing my remarks. [Whatever songs I may have quoted (previously) — or may hereafter quote (subsequently) — are, or have been, or shall be, selected more for the thoughts embodied in Nor Want that Little Long." 79 tliem than for the effect the songs themselves might have on others.] As far as " my observation extends," " men generally want all they can get, and women all they can't get ; " and the trouble is that it continues so " from the cradle to the grave," and I should judge that were about as long as it are useful. A "female woman " might say truthfully, as to her branch of the human race, that, " We want, we know not what ; We want, what want we not? " I do not make the preceding remark with any inten- tion of disparaging the feminine gender ; for if there is any one thing that (above all others) I have constantly and persistently admired " from my youth up," it hath been lovely woman. Whether she were stuck-up with (the wearing of) bustles, false hair, glass eyes, " Dolly Yardens," " dollar- bargains," crinoline, $1 slippers, stuffed calves, "spring" bosoms, very white dentist teeth, simpers, smiles, whis- perings, gigglings, or " what-nots, " or meandered grace- fully and modestly along an upper chamber, clothed in all " of nature's unadorned loveliness," enwrapped in her own thoughts and a thin piece of cotton cloth (or reclin- ing (?) on a stool with her little foot in a wash-bowl or No. 4 brogan) — whether "uncertain, coy, and hard to please," or gushing as a May shower — I have been al- ways, " nolens volens," " heart and hand," " live-till-I-die- kill-who-dare," " sink or swim," on their side. I would say just here that if there are any " forlorn damsel," in ten miles of where I used to " hang up " (my 80 " We Want but Little here Below, shingle), that's "wrong side up," to just write me (it won't cost but 3c., so the government says — and the government ought to know, if, with one eye shut, it does let "sharpers" swindle it), and if I don't set them up straight again — well, it'll be because I can't get there, that's all. As 1 said before, without any " malice aforethought," etc., so I would reiterate, that, maybe, I might try to please a man in all weathers and succeed (but I now think it most " gosh darned " doubtful) ; but as to a woman, my experience (which has been some) would not justify me in saying that I could. I hain't once said that woman is any more responsible for this state of affairs than the " dog with a tail " (in a tale) was, that, when the "cow jumped over 'ther' moon, " he wasn't taken along as company— even if a cow did ever have so little sense as to attempt such a leap. If any " keow " had ever accomplished a " suck-sessful " jump toward the skies, even if she broke her own neck in her folly, she would have been regarded (in these parts) as a " mighty smart, " in fact, a very remarkable, " keow." I ain't one of those that believes that a keow ever did it ; but that this are another instance of 'Ajiu r- gain-at-whatever-cost-to-another kind, I mean) is most Railroading As It Is. 89 surely the " keeper-cp " of crime, as — and because — it is the keeper-no wn of honest wages.] I imagine if I were a boy again I'd much rather " ask my ma " for an apple out of her basket (if she had either apples or baskets) than to run the risk of a sound flogging by climbing my neighbor's apple-trees for the " winter apples" " what he wants himself." I surmise (sometimes), if I were a lonely maiden of some sixteen summers, I'd rather " kiss and never tell " than be " hugging every boy in the naborhood " — espe- cially as the hugging business generally produces such lonely results. I suppose, tho', I (being a laboring man) " have no right to think, " or " say what I think" but what I know — especially as from too little money and too much age I may not be in a " situation to understand " any of the above positions — and therefore to the " pint " (of old rye and honey). What I know, or most anybody else knows, would not take long to " argue up," I am a-thinking : and hence what I know (?) I only " seem to know." Others m&yfeel differently, but I ain't others, nor others ain't me — and I don't feel that it would be any " better for me if it were so." Hence, I seem to know that I like old rye better than stale beer, honey better than the honeycomb, joy better " nor " sorrow, a good whipping from an irate spouse (with a little switch) better than a Caudle lecture, a prompter attention of mankind to their own business than to mine : that some little children preferred " own- ing up the truth " as to where those peanuts " kum from " to being berated with a broomstick by an over- anxious mother ; (this whipping business ain't rarely 90 "Riding on a Rail ;" or, ever necessary, never when reason or love can conquer — and never with broomsticks) ; that 1 preferred a ride on a first-class railroad car, with sleeping car, dining- saloon, and drawing-room attachments, than too free a ride on one rough, badly-selected-but-tough dogwood- rail, or " sitting in the parlor, counting out the money" (not " counting on it " — that rarely pays, either for one's worn pants, or conscience), to splitting hard sappy dogwood into rails with a dull weeding hoe. [Kail- splitting may do for a muscular president (figuratively speaking) but a care-worn peasant don't — I've seemed to notice — hanker very strongly after " sum."] Railroading may be the " riding on a rail," but if it is they provide two rails instead of one, give you a' covered platform with cushioned seats to repose (?) on, a boy to carry around some freshly-warmed ice-water, a well- watered (?) engineer, and a smooth-mouthed conductor to charm you with their rendering of that well-worn song, "All Aboard." Next thing to kissing a (Sally Jane) or talking poetry to a pretty, black-eyed, blue-eyed, or hazel-eyed (green, or yellow, or red eyes not hankered after) widow, or eating buckwheat cakes and molasses, I think I like to hear a corpulent captain cry out, in carefully worded but swiftly fiow T ing accents, " All Aboard" — " haul a board," or " hall haboard." If I had my choice, tho', 1 would desire Unit the said " capitaine " would take cognizance of my non- completion, or ill-depletion, of some hot rolls and V( ry warm tea, and await the dissection and mild imbibing of the same, before he entirely loseth control of his patience or his bellrope, and puffs out an ill-digested " all aboard — we start on time." Railroading As It Is. 91 A man that imbibes hot coffee, or attempts to dissect hard biscuit hurriedly, is a disorganizer of society, a culti- vator of burnt mouths, bad temper, bad teeth, and sour stomach — and, with the builder of them biscuits and con- coctor of that coffee, should be discouraged. Did you ever notice ? — if you ever travelled you " shurely hev " — that " hot food " are more often " served up " at a " railroad eating-house " than at most any other place, and so much so that if anybody hut " road hands " want a " decent meal " they better take it before they depart whence cars don't start in " twenty minutes," conductors don't cuss, nor engineers whine. I don't know why cars always have to start in a hurry, without they fear if .they don't make haste the} r can't make a collision, or hot porridge is so often furnished so " glibly," without it is that they " donH exjpect you " to squander much food, any more than I have been as yet able to discover the benefits arising to a small family of many children from an overstock of " hooping kaugh." (Some of the doctors may be able to inform an eagerly inquiring " pub-lick " — I can't.) It has been my " onfortinit " luck, heretofore, (and per- haps now), to be classed among that considerable number that had rather masticate satisfactorily some cold " sand- which," than swallow mournfully at " sum " hot apple- dumpling and wry coffee. Riding on a railroad car (at 40 miles per hour I mean) makes me very " sassy," and I think it hath the same effect upon the hands " on the road," and it even permeates unto the silent " train-watcher " at every little hamlet thro' which the train passeth. (This train- watching must not be construed by some 92 " Riding on a Rail.; " or, very imaginative youth into the supposition that female's " fashionable trains " are intended ; for altho' that kind of watching is sassy, yet it partaketh of impudence more than of rale progress.) I've seemed to notice that all the hands from firemen down to the superintendent, from car-greaser down to the secretary, from coupler of cars to paymaster — and aL parts of the train, from the gum-packing to the gentle (?) whistle — possess (or are "possessed " with) a superabund- ance of this snubbingly-progressive, get-out-of-the-way kind of persuasion about them, known by some people as sass. The superintendent and secretary don't seem to think the car-greaser and fireman much, but they are, then ; facts are facts, and none the less because fools don't know them. This sassiness pervadeth the engine, the track, the em- ployers, and employees, of a railroad, and I never knew a well-educated engine to get off the way for anything but an angry heifer (and not then, if beef were wanted), or stop for anything — except at a station or water-tank — but a snow-storm, or a big breed of locusts (and not then, if snow-plows were handy-like, or some ill-fed Chinese lying around loose — even if then). Whether Chinese love locusts as well as they do rats, I don't know, but, from all I can learn, I guess not. If it were some Irishmen that were to do that snow- shovelling, the locusts and rats would not have to be men- tioned ; but the only thing that I know " for to fetch them," as to the shovelling of some snow, Mould be some "few pratees," and a " little brown jug " with a very decided smell of whiskey about it, and more or less whiskey " lingering around it still" — the more the better. Railroading As It Is. 93 There are " sum " railroad trains that run better for- ward by running backward, with the cow-catcher in the rear to fool them like ; for some engines are like unto "sum " mules, and " sum " men — they won't go " worth a cent" in the direction you wish them to "glide along." [" Sum " mules, like " sum " men and " sum " engines, won't either be " driven or led to water " — you have to make a flank movement by " backing them up " to it.] I've been on this kind of train of " keers " before now, and as long as we " backed " there was plenty of wood and water for most any emergency, but as soon as we at- tempted to move forward wood and water were as scarce as "drink" for a "ragged toper" or an " over- wrought " temperance lecturer. [It takes " nigh onto " as much water to supply "the varied wants " of these " topers " and lecturers, as it does for those of a disorganized steam engine.] In such a case it is usually customary to " cut and dry " the wood by the roadside, and draw the water in a small tin cup for the supplying of the "varmint" which never manages to stop on a " giving-out " occasion near any " well-regulated " wood-pile or water-tank. This providing of fuel for immediate use of a worn- out hen-jine* is as " relaxing " as listening at a moon- light serenade of a very wintry evening in one's night apparel, whose sleeves, bosom and back is missing : or hearkening to the soporific mutterings of an ill-advised Dutch preacher ; or keeping correct accounts for an illy- inspired, hskdlj-tempered Dutch brewer of stale " ale;" * Jonas gets off his pins occasionally and goes it wild. He has spell henjine for engine. — {Ed.) 94 "Riding on a Rail • " or, or singing plaintive ditties to the silent moon, while waiting for a recreant " luv-yer ; " or providing young chicken from a " naboring " chicken-coop (with a bull- dog attachment) for your suffering family — [Ever since trjang after young chicken, and awakening some bull- dog, I am opposing myself to the attachment business. I don't like sheriff's attachments, sewing-machine attach- ments, hoop-skirt attachments, nor the attachments of even a fond young man. I have no great attachment for either a bull-dog, a he cow, abutting goat, a thriving thief, a renowned liar, or a kicking mule ; in fact, I am confining my attachments to Sally Jane, her lovely chil- dren and (my sell). To prevent a fool of s} T cophant from supposing that I were a chicken -marauder I would sa_y, to all my readers, that a friend (?) offered to give me the chicken if I would get it from the coop, but forgot of course to tell me there was a " dog in the case" — that chicken wan't "plucked" by me, you bet] ; or drinking old rye and honey with a spoon with no bowl to it ; or hugging a pretty girl with a lover close on to your coat's tail (this sayeth a friend) ; or writing a discourse on metaphysics, with some lovely infant at your elbows crying for dry bread; or to philos- ophize on " What Matter is," when the stomach ain't " pleasantly " full of " mashed potatoes ; " or running after a locomotive that is obedient to the "forward movement " and just about moving "out of sight," if not " out of mind ; " or swallowing hastily " some con- siderable" dose of "kaster ile " under the ill-judged impression of its being very old " rye." [This "ile" case is another illustration of "things not being as they seem," for altho' " old rye" runs slowly, Railroading As It Is. 95 like " ile," yet it don't have a taste like unto " ile." Not much it don't. I don't " try to fool " my baby that way.] While I am much in favor of old styles (not stiles — either for Mary's lover to sit on, or Sally Jane's hus- band to write with), I yet am willing to " kon-seed " some merits to some of the new, and for the present style of "riding on a rail," I will do my best to " hur- rah." There must be this " distinct understanding," tho' — should I (after " taking a smile ") attempt to achieve some "hurrah" — that the present head-Z /eoj)lds pocket-books, and hence their " hanker " arter it. The real article demands more from their own conscience and less (or none at all) from other's pockets — hence they " donH want any of it." True sympathy feeds more poor than it builds (or prays for) poor-houses ; corrects by kindness more " erring " than it sends to the house of correction ; believes more in practising than preaching ; sticks more to humor and substantial diet than it does to preaching- long homilies (on a future life) and kaster ile. True sympathy is a tear, that, as a key, unlocks the heart of the forlorn man ; and when shed in copious showers, is the rain that waters the plant, that gives the grain, that feeds the kine (kind), that gives good eroj>s of the milk of human kindness. 120 " Sympathy — the Tear that Angels Shed." Sj r mpathy has, metaphorically speaking, no immediate connection in this world, unless it be charity and the milk of human kindness; and, "after looking around a little," one would be likely to suppose (?) that " both of them were dead." Some say " sympathy is akin to pity," and " pity akin to love ; " but if so, I don't sympathize with that sympathy or love ; but I do regret that it should even be thought that it ever hath such associa- tions. I have known men to pity me very much, but they didn't sympathize worth a cent. I seem to have known pity to kill men, but sympathy never. That kind of sympathy ain't any better medicine than too much quinine. It is bitter to the taste, nauseating to the stomach, and ends in death. I am more for true sympathy (angels' tears) than I seem to think I are for pity (the rheum from sick sin- ners' eyes) ; as I am more for a generous meal of biscuit, butter, tea, pork-steak, and apple-dumpling than I am to hear their beauties discoursed on by others. Pity is like Lim burger kase ; it smells loud, but don't do to feed young Simpkins on. P. S. — I want " sum " sympathy, Who has it to give ? " I'll love and dote on him As long as I live." I want " sum " sympathy ; " Who has it to lend ? " " Tell me where I can bony. And I'll straightaway send." I want " sum " sympathy; Who has it for sale ? " Sympathy — the Tear that Angels Shed." 121 I want pure old rye, But I need no stale ale. But I am really afraid to on any depend, For either the sale, the gift, or the lend. K.B. — From the sympathetic man doth flow words and deeds of charity, as naturally and unconsciously as sweat from the brow of a laborer or humor from the heart of a Billings. "TEETOTAL ABSTINENCE." Notwithstanding that saying of their brother Paul's, to " take a little wine for thy stomach's sake, and thine often infirmities," " pie-us " mendicants have for a series of years been descanting of teetotal abstinence as to others — but plenty of rich diet and strong beer (?) as to themselves. They either intend to sanction Paid only as far as his sayings suit them (whether those sayings be inspired or not), or else they don't intend that others shall partake of only so much inspired diet as they may wish to " dish out to them." If " teetotal abstainers" would practice in the abstaining from " krout " and cant, raw turnips and sycophancy, dried apples and envy, stale ale and ill— naturedness, lobster-salad and gluttony, spice cordials and adultery, hash and deceit, then they might, with more success and greater truthfulness, attempt to preach against the follies of mankind in drinking " sum " rum or chewing " sum " tobacco. I have had men to attempt to argue with me as to the " ill-effects " of " sum " drinking (which I didn't do) when you could smell the bitters (?) on their breath ; and descant upon the " ill-effects" of sum smoking (which I did do) when the saliva, from some quid of tobacco, (which they were steadfastly sucking between tongue " Teetotal Abstinence." 123 and teetli) were flowing stealthily out of their begrimed mouth. They always remind me of the "spider and fly" case, in the eager persuasiveness with which they attempt to show that its benefits to others, not their own glory (?), they are desirous of securing. (Even if I were no smoker, my disgust for the man would overbalance my aversion to the tobacco.) The teetotal abstinence theory is a pretty good thing for a decrepid old man's hobby horse (that is, if the old man were pious and verged onto the good old age of 199 years) ; but for middle-aged men and youths, I fear, as present taught, it won't do. I am afraid to think of the ills they will be forced (or they will force themselves, rather) to undergo from the results of " sum " struggle for ("too much ") undiluted apple cider (?). I have, in the course of " sum " observations, been led to discover that things were not always, and under all circumstances, just as these abstainers would make them out to be. To illustrate : An abstainer, " hungry for a drink," having been admonished to flee the flowing bowl, thought he'd experiment chemically and mechanically with " sum " grapes, and so procured " sum " half gallon of grapes, devoured them, drank copious draughts of " water on the top of them, " and awaited the action of the stomach's machinery in causing such a fermentation of the chemi- cal properties of his late feast as would produce wine. I am prepared to state that that abstainer may have evaded the Maine Liquor Law, but he didn't evade death. He died slowly and sorrowfully, yet surely. He may be a chemist in " paradise," but,if he is, I trust he'll be more successful, "nor he was" here, hi securing some good liquor. A tobacco abstainer that I knew of quit 124 " Teetotal Abstinence '." tobacco once and went to chewing pea-nuts and candy. To secure him from the ill effects of nausea and sick- headache, produced by nuts and sweet sugar, he had to return to tobacco again. If he ever tries " quitting again " he'll never smoke in classic halls no more, nor discourse on the bad effects of smoking to himself or others. " VIKTUE IS ITS 0¥J^ EEWAED " More and more every day " am " your Uncle Jonas inclined to believe the truth of the saying as hereinbe- fore quoted : for, if not true, much small slice of reward will it be likely to be the modest recipient of from the " quarter " squeezers of this generation. There are always " two sides to eveiy question," so the doctors say. [I know there is one, that's the blind side. We may be on that side or we may be on the other, so-called side ; we may, if not on the blind side, try to " get around to the blind side ; " we may, if " on the blind side," attempt, fram that fact, to worry our way through to any other side (if there be any) that we may wish to be on ; but whether there be one side or two sides, three sides or four sides, six sides or a blind side, I have always seemed to notice that it are very dif- ficult for most of folks to stand on but one side at once, whether the side of a political " pale-fence " or the " tough dogwood-rail fence " of public opinion. One is not always likely to be happy, or successful, by "being (Hi the blind side " of any animal, place, or thing, espe- cially as to the animal. An acquaintance of mine once attempted to argue (from her blind side) with an one- eyed heifer " as to the way she ought to take and the gait she should travel." That heifer went so nigh towards 126 "Virtue is its Own Reward." the " other way •"' as she could guess at, causing his suc- cess (?) to be marked only by the line he made in the air in trying to cut a figure there, as urged to do by the heels of his flying heifer.] Virtue, according to the opinion of some, means valor- ous action against the strong in behalf of the innocent and weak ; but according to others it signifies kind thoughts, kind words, kind deeds. Now the valorous action of Sim Tryhard in attempting to drive an angry bull out of Judge Smuthe-face's pasture, of five acres ex- tent, (as per the order of the judge's wife) — to the detri- ment of his own ribs by falling in ditches, from which he crawled out again only to be " elevated " by the imper- tinent action of the horns of that he cow — seemed, to an outside observer, to deserve some reward, sure. His " visible reward " came in the shape of threats, (and pretty soon) for just as he had fairly got that raging bovine out of that pasture the judge himself rode by, sent his hostler to "kick Sim Tryhard out of that pasture" He also remarked, " tell him to be easy, or I'll sue him for trespass ! ! ! " It looks now if Sim's valor would have to look for " sum " reward where judges keep no pastures, and mad oxen do not roam abroad much. Sim's conscience is easy, tho', I bet; but, as to the judge, I'd venture a dime to the jingle of a pewter-nickel that his " conscience don't allow him any rest at night ;" if it does, darned if I don't pity "his offspring." (You must not think by the above remark that I en- courage betting, for altho' I may often write " bet, " yet I never speak of " Bet " to other people.) The " widow I I ;q>py's " kind words, thoughts (for her thoughts spake — her face was such a frank indicator of what her mind '■ Virtue is its Own Reward." 127 perceived), and actions were the well-known and joy- .ously whispered remark of the poor and lowly of " Squash Hollow ; " but that only brought, more readily, " pie-us mendicants," " clad in the habiliments of churchly sanc- tity," to devour what corn-dodger and snaps the chari- table widow " might have left " (for her morning's meal) from her last gifts to the poor. With some, this dis- bursement of virtue would seem to merit some reward ; but the visible portion of it was the sneer of that sancti- monious " pup " at the widow's fare — the besmearing her with pious (?) anathemas because she didn't attend his church regularly — a lavish display of ill-begotten " lingo " in abusing her want of support of the " tract society." The reward of her poor neighbor's prayers and joyful tears, unaccompanied by jingling (?) pewter, was, I'll wager, more satisfactory to her than any reward the church could bestow, and out-balanced all the bless- ed (?) curses of this apostle. (I have about gotten so, that when I notice people re- ceiving any " visible reward," I am not much in a hurry to claim their worthy (?) acquaintance ; and, as for myself, I'd much rather go to sleep " on a quiet conscience " than on a stuffed hair-mattress with " sum " springs under it.) Nature never, or rarely ever, rewards virtue (?) but in one way, and that generally invisibly, for she don't wish to trumpet her own " prompt payment of just debts," as some folks do, but prefers to cancel them quietly. If nature ever does reward any one visibly " it's only an exception to prove the rule," while it whispers to man- kind the fact, that, with her own, and to her own, she acts as " she thinks best " — without fear, favor, or affec- tion, as to those who would dictate her course. 128 "Virtue is its Own Reward." ]S\ B. " Most of folks," tho', prefer visible reward " to " silent reward; as they prefer a ride visibly in a. coach and six, to taking a quiet walk. Hence, I am thinking, floweth the cause that produces the effect of there being no virtue as abiding in the hearts of most men — their consciences trouble them so, that they seek by outward noise to quiet the inward tumult. "THE LABORER IS WORTHY OF HIS HIRE." All nations ! ! "from way hack yonder ; " all the spheres that are suspended in the blue vault of nature's banking house ; all the mighty waves of storm-tossed oceans, or the quiet ripples on the bosom of zephyr- fanned lakelets ; all the mighty upheavals of whole hemi- spheres, or the placid grazings of an ant on its little hairbreadth of sand ; all the extinguishings of monstrous fallacies, or the intinitesimally small up-sprouting of new ideas ; are the attestations to the grand truth of ; " Nature compensates," and testimonials of the necessity of keeping before men the fact that a "Laborer is worthy of his hire " — whether it be that his work is to " remove mountains," or " tear down mole-hills." Un- less this great fact is thoroughly observed, and its teach- ings hearkened unto, men will find that as compensation is certain, so retribution is equally unfailing. Nature compensates by restitution unto one of those things which another one has deprived him of, by depriv- ing that other of those things which he had appropriated of the one's. What is restitution for some, is retribution to others ; and that restitution and retribution, when " dealt out " by nature, is as mute, } T et unalterable, as the laws of her 130 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." God. " The Son of Man knowetli not whence he cometh." " The wind bloweth whither it listeth, and no man can tell whither it cometh, or whither it goeth." I believe those last sentences are what the Book (or books) says about it, but if I don't quote exactly right — and as I quote from memory maybe I don't — why just step and ask your preacher ; but whether the quotations are right or wrong, changes not the fact of the existence of " compen- sation," or "retribution," in the least. There is, and has been in "all Time," a running fight between honest labor backed by honest capital, and dishonest workers shoved forward by dishonest capital, and there has always been an under-handed contention carried on by dishonest cap- ital against honest capital, and its co-operator, honest labor. Whether the right has always triumphed or not, may not be apparent ; but Jonas, the woodsawyer, does continue to believe that it hath, doth, and will. (With this courageous belief, backed up by the power- ful evidences of the past, when read correctly, we take up the gauntlet of controversy ; and if we convince none we have no right to complain, for vie try'd.) Then to the point, maybe. The hypocritical capitalist is very ready to " quote " this very old saying, but is as apt to follow the precept it contains as a much-jaded " circuit-preacher " is to sneer at a dinner, oif of "yaller-lcgged chicken," which his appreciative brotherhood have diligently exhorted him to partake of. They follow it beautifully {tlird' a horn,) by hiring one man on meagre pay to do two men's work ; and in trying to convince him that short rations are bene- ficial to health ; much work, a driver away of care ; much baubles and trinkets conducive to the development of a love of artistic beauty. " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 131 They follow it beautifully, and to a symmetrical nicety, as to the magnificent division of some of the profits with some well-fed starveling (?) of a relation, who hasn't brains nor muscle enough " to grease a (moderate sized) gimlet without greasing the handle " — it's charity and justice combined then. But to some intelligent, duty- loving, yet truthful laborer, their mind don't develop well as to observing the necessity of a little better dis- tribution of pay, or wiser division of labor — not much worth speaking of, does that mind perceive, that heart warm up, that pocket-book open for this kind of an ar- rangement — " it's only a waste of fuel" they say, in this case. The dis-honesb capitalist of to-day (as of all past time he has been) are as " sharp " as he are corrupt ; but if his own flesh don't get "sliced" by "sum" ill-regulated sharpness, or his body receive some slight infection of " sum " bad disease begotten of " sum " (of his own) corruption, why then Jonas Simpkins don't know any- thing about wood-sawing, that's all. (Dishonesty con- sists no more of stealing than it doth of withholding.) They are " sharp " in employing only one man to fill a situation that ought to be filled by 3 or 4, — as, thereby, the over-worked man hasn't the time to hunt up other jobs, even if he could get them : and as thereby others are thrown on the market (glutting it) to try for situa- tions, and " therefore, consequently,'''' to bid for the posi- tion "just filled? They are " sharp " in knowing that, if 3 or 4 impecunious laborers— like as to 3 or 4 hun- gry frogs after one lonely, inconsiderate fly — are hang- ing around after one lonely " position," the "chances are," " if they hire any," that they can obtain them at 132 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." a salary that a good sized mouse can't be supported on (without " appropriating ") : and at the same time hold in reserve "sum" badly-promised, poorly-employed youths (to threaten with) in case of the over- work making the hired one desire more rest or more pay, or both. They are " sharp " in knowing (and eager as to the wishing that) their employees spend their diminutive salary in " store truck : " as therein they see the probability of their hired ones still being dependent on them for em- ployment of any kind, at any price. They are quick to give (ill-meant) advice as to " what to do," but too "sharp" to inform the how, when, and where, or to supply the means of following it — espe- cially in the supplying the means. They are " sharp " in trying to convince that " hon- esty are the best policy " as to themselves : but are not anxious to instruct in the way of right as to justice to others. They are " sharp " in preaching upon the error of not hearkening to, or abiding by their advice ; but are not anxious that you should be led astray (?) by the consola- tory suggestions of others. They are not " sharp " in providing good, honest work for every man and woman at good pay, — as thereby they might prevent the necessity of penitentiaries and poor- houses — for the people would then want to work (sure). They can quote that " Work is man's necessity and man's delight," (and, " to give the d — Is their due," they are that far right) but they don't seem to under- stand, or " want to know," that " killing-work " at "short pay" is a destroyer and perverter, rather than a preserver of life, property, and honor. " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 133 The best thing that Wendell Phillips ever said was, that the " extra dollar paid the laborer " was the safe- guard of American liberty, the police force for preserv- ing order, the true protector of American honor and the securer of a proper teacher of her children ; or in his own words : " It ensures progress and guarantees Astor's millions better than a score of statutes — it is worth more than a thousand colleges, and makes armies and police superfluous." They are " corrupt " as to the manner of indirect thieving, by short pay : as to the habit of indirect mur- dering, by over-work : as to the custom of indirect ly- ing, by using intentionally '-ambiguous phraseology as to your worth : and as to indirectly breeding the pests of moral turpitude, by the encouraging of the " genera- tion of " ill-restrained ambition, covetousness, wish for show, carelessness as to the needs of the future if the present wants be but supplied, disregard as to the sus- taining of self-respect so appetite but be satiated, igno- rance as to the knoioledge of the rights of u meum and tuum" (mine and thine), knowledge as to "how to ob- tain," at any cost, money from others, and at the same time screen self from ptinishment. They can preach about : " Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," but they can't seem to learn how to practice it — jvorth the scent of a dead muskrat. Their practicing seems to extend only to the " doing unto others as they expect them to do unto them " — and one would think that they must expect others to " treat them darned common." If they keep on practicing as they do, they needn't expect otherwise — but not in a way they expect. 134 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." This kind of folks — these " d-e-c-e-i-v-i-n-g k-i-n-d of f-o-l-k-s " — could no more tell the straight up-and-down truth, than an ignorant youth that's just commenced calico-cutting could rend correctly a piece of poor cloth, i. e., without tearing it in a wrong direction. This " k-i-n-d of f-o-l-k-s" are not "educated up to any- thing " but lying. They have made a living by it and cut a swell by it, and hence, if they attempt to warble about truth, or things truthfully, the unaccustomed diet either sticks in their throat — to choke them — or they heave it up ; and afterwards they'll wash down the bad effects of the first of the discourse (by closing it up) with a dose of lie. These k-i-n-d of f-o-l-k-s are just as " eager " on the trace of a cent as an o'erwise game dog might be when it strikes an ill-advised-of-a-scent trail ; and just as anxious to drop it when there seems to be no rabbit (rare-bit) there. Neither of these kind of dogs like to come in contact with " old coons." This preaching (as before mentioned) — or hiring others to preach with the money coaxed from befooled, or with- held from the needy — is about as good practicing as if Jonas Simpkins, when hired to saw cordwood, were (instead) to besmear some negro with a 25c. plaster (for the purpose of securing his valuable services in going to " sum " forks of roads that nobody crosses at), to be- smearingly discourse to " sum " roots of some sow-wood tree of the beauties of Jonas Simpkins's elbow-practice in ''dissecting" of cordwood. And I guess that kind of elbow-practice would be about as beneficial to his employers, or the public, as most of the wild gesticulations of ranting, canting (so- called) preachers. " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 135 "What the capital of this country ought to do might require a volume to narrate the about which of, and might be attended to by them (at present) about as " muchly energetically " as a " lively cotton hand," since his enfranchisement, would be likely act upon anything but fishing for tadpoles and voting for fools. (But I ex- pect something else, nevertheless, will spring up out of it before (I imagine) I temporarily quit this subject.) The laborer may listen even now, tho', to some " little say " from their co-laborer — Jonas Simpkins, the wood-sawyer. (If they follow (after reading) some little of whatever " unasked advice " may be given, they'll be as luckily happy (as to their conscience, if not their pocket), as the man who, in digging up some " poke-root " out of his yard, found a bag of gold to reward himself and his poor relations with. Digging for "poke-root" and finding gold don't always happen — no more than hiring yourself for $1.25 per day is likely to "fetch you in " $5—" with- out wronging somebody " (and this will never do well, for you will surely then have to restitute). The laborer {honest worker) has some faults ; but if he will read on who knows but what he may not find some advice that if followed would enable him to shun them — which, as they are more errors of the head than the heart, I sup- pose he wishes to do. Labor is apt to be too eager to hire; so much so that he often agrees to do too much work — thereby injuring his health (which, when gone, gives him over to poverty and reproach from those who abetted the catastrophe) and unconsciously assisting in keeping a brother laborer out of an honest living. Laborers ! you should make quick, sharp strokes, at T36 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire" • cutting down expenses, as far as justice to the actual needs of your family, poor relations, and suffering hu- manity will allow; at cutting up the acquaintance of rum-shops, beer-gardens, gambling saloons, and street corners — as the time and money " disbursed " there are needed at home (as to the time : for reading, improving your place, or assisting your family ; as to the money ; for dependence in sickness, or discharge, and inde- pendence of the tyrannical usurpations of " cliqued thieves"); at cutting off from the companionship of loafers and nice (?) young men generally — as their aim is to cheat you out of what your lenient (?) employer hath seen fit in the warmth of his attachment for you and yours to leave unappropriated by himself: at cutting at the leadership of such politicians as propose to vote for more poor-houses and penitentiaries — as in the mag- nanimity of their he'art they will, after impoverishing you with tax in building them, desire to send you there as vagrants (they may wish to haul you to the polls on voting-day, perhaps, and might do so then) : for the preservation of honor, by abstaining from low flattery or low cunning, either for the purpose of obtaining work for yourself or the down tall of another — as the loss of your honor is the dearest wish of dishonest capital, as that being gone they can use you as they wish, or cast you aside as suits them best ; for the diffusion of a more thorough intelligence, by a well-paid (not tax-paid) train- ing of the reason and the affections, and in such a man- ner that your children may be enabled to understand the duties due to others and the duties others owe them ; for the protection of virtue, by keeping your sons and daughters at school until their minds are capable of un- " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire.'" 137 derstanding the tricks of trade and the debauchery of the dishonest capitalist ; for the sustaining of your own rights, by demanding the eight-hour law, and that (which is of more importance still) having of a thorough under- standing that what is mine is also my needy brother's — and altho' you contend for just wages to be paid for work performed, yet, for humanity's sake, let not violence accompany thy demands: for the protection of the pro- perty of all — as by that are your rights best secured, and your hungry children's mouths best filled and your many Deeds supplied. To explain about " sum " expressions heretofore made : Expense is the account to which all deficits are debited,* and to be of just proportions " should be well watched by allowing none but natural and (because natu- ral) beneficent ends to be filled by either disbursements of money or time ("for time is money''"'). When that is followed, no harm can accrue from expense. UglPBut let not too close an observance of this account (as to its aggregate), nor too much detesting of extravagance, cause you to defraud your wood sawyer of his just wages or the washwoman of the amount due her for the money she has expended for soap. Drinking " sum " is not hurtful. Most all people drank " sum " before you, and after you're gone and been buried, lo! for many years, they will continue to drink after you (at least I expect so) — especially of good old rye and good ale— but too much following of it will cause you to become besotted, to be the tools of fools and knaves, * How Jonas came lo use such words I know not. Deficit means want ; debited signifies charged with debt. — (Ed.) 138 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." to be an injury to your family and friends, to be an insult to mankind, and to be a foot-ball for your enemies. |pgf°I am convinced that dishonest grab-bag capital have done much, by overwork, toward driving you into it — to enable you by stimulus to perform the work (of two men from one man's strength) which they have demanded; but it won't pay you to heed raEM. Loafing is no more conducive to health, than over-vtork (which has been the means of driving you to it, and making you satisfied with it) is conducive to bodily vigor and happiness ; than the companionship of loafers con- ducive is to virtue and truthfulness ; than the following of political intriguers is the surest road to honor and wealth. Monopolies, generally, are combinations of strong men to defeat the weak ; rich men to destroy the poor ; wicked to overcome the virtuous — and of them beware. Honor preserved is of more value than wealth attained ; and honor sold, even for bread, is worse for you than if millions were thrown into fathomless ocean, for, unlike " bread cast upon the waters," 'twill never " return to you again." f^jP If you are out of a place, or money, you may obtain other positions and more coin ; but honor once sold, even if place is secured temporarily by it, is never again regained. Preservation of virtue is better secured by keeping the weak and innocent from the world's machinations * as long .as possible, with useful instruction by fireside para- bles, or thorough information, from useful, honest teachers. * Evil plottings or artifices. " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 139 Intelligence, thorough, can be obtained after mature age, not so well by reading the works of others, or hear- ing others preach, as by studying the needs of your own, and other's natures, and thinking systematically upon every subject. %3H Well-infor)ned books and papers — illustrated would be good ; but sensational " ne'er do well " — are necessary, and required, to instruct you concerning what to think on. Free libraries should be maintained by working men, for their urgent needs. All classes — rich and poor — need free amusement. Not bawdy halls nor variety houses, but free circuses and theatres, with attendants, intelligent and civil. This is no Utopian scheme ; for old Rome, when Rome was free, had them — one of which alone would seat 40,000 such men as ordinarily grow in our climate. And, if Rome, why not we ? The sycophant money-grabber often proposes to hire your young sons and daughters for the counting-room or the store-house ; not from love for them, or respect for you, but to aid in " cutting your throat " by additional floods of cheap labor, and to have young minds to train up for the gratification of their infamous plans and desires. Honest capital will tell } t ou to keep your chil- dren at home until they can read a little, saw a little stick of kindling or knit a sock ; and, in the meantime, pay your father enough to support such great extrava- gance (?), if it be extravagance that gives us our chil- dren at home, and gives unto our children a home. " Self preservation is the -first law of nature" — and hence the sustaining of your own rights is better secured by such laws as will embody a just protection for all 140 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." labor ; and that protection does not consist in cheap goods so much as in well-paid labor — for if your w.ork is generously remunerated you can be able (even if they should be high) to obtain some few luxuries (and the rich needn't carp at that, for luxuries for the poor wouldn't be ranked with 4th-rate necessities with them) for a sick wife — or, if nothing is needed among family or friends, you can possibly save something ; but when your wages, taken to the grocer at the end of the week, won't satisfy your small bill there, where is your doctor's bill, your last year's clothing bill, or where are the little shoes for the children to come from, or the flannels for the baby, or — anything, I jing. Upgf" In fact, if it were Jonas Simpkins as had any say (?) about the matter, he'd say, " pass over your much nickels at the rate of $4.00 a cord for cutting up your kindlings," if he had to pay 50c. per yard for cotton cloth, that the cotton-spinners might get enough money per week to get some calico dresses or jean pants to strut in. on Sunday. Now, as a general thing, I don't " fancy strutting " in or by anything, from a " stately gobbler" to a " tin rooster," from a " gaudy peacock " to a D. V. man, but if there is any jean pants (on a brave youth), or calico dress (on a modest girl) ''going along a-strutting," I am willing to admit that I'll walk a good round square to see it, and wouldn't consider myself much on the walk at that. I've believed, before now, that it takes about as much moral courage for a modest girl, "with a new calico on," to walk thro' a double row of gazing, giggling, silken misses and nicely-panted, sweetly-mous- tached youths, as they stand before a church on a Sun- day morning, as it would for a modest man to run for " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 141 president (of a debating society), or a Simpkins to say much long prayer over a muchly-lamented, but muchly- dead stage hoss. Labor is as essential to capital as capital is to labor, and we hope they may 'ere long be friends ; but at the present there is no use of " mouthing over it," or dis- guising the fact that, between honest labor and dishonest capital there is war; .that between honest capital and worthless labor, there is war ; and until some of the wrongs are righted, some ignorances have vanished, and some hands of fellowship are extended, there will con- tinue so to be, Hence, what I've " sayed." P. S. — Let mental labor — Solomon Smith — not at- tempt to slur at the endeavors of a wood-sawyer to fight for his rights ; as upon the success of the effort to raise the price of " cheap labor " depends the wages of every class of labor, even up (?) to bank clerk— and not only the wages, but the spare time to read and think in. N. B. — I don't much think, just now, that 14 hours per day of wood-sawing (with a lunch on cold beans), at 15c. an hour, is very beneficial to Jonas Simpkins or his much-hungry family— as we can't purchase therewith much mashed potatoes nor much "Josh Billings' allmanax." # • P. S. 2. — The avaricious, money-grabbing, many- nickel-investing hypocrites, if they read this, may heave up a satirical, hysterical smile (after the style of a cross- eyed grin), as much as to say, Who is he ? But when England's peasantry comes to the front, with their stone- picks, their weeding-hoes, and their spades, to dig down the castles of unjust gain, to weed out the vices of be- sotted power, and to bury both castles and vices in the 142 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." dust, mire, and filth — deposits of the spawnings of the arrogant and vile — then will they likely be slightly re- minded of the advice (given, but unheeded) of Jonas Simpkins — who him is ! All capital must remember that, as Jonas Simpkins has, so they may, become " dirty laborers," so called ; and all laborers must recollect that (what Jonas may ne'er be again) they may become capital. If any do become capital, I trust they'll try and recollect how it were with them, and be kind unto their maid-servant and boy donkey. Let labor not envy capital — the dishonest kind — because it will be ultimately the more bitter to them (the parties possessing) than Sodom apples, and just as apt to fall to pieces (in dust) in their mouth at the first tooth-grip ; nor the honest kind, for it hath a heavy burden to bear — to right the wrong, lift up the op- pressed, encourage the down-hearted, instruct the ignor- ant, bring system out of " looseness." Nor let honest capital and honest labor decry each other, for they've got to swim or sink together. But let labor and capital, both, recollect that there is no surplus of holiest, intelligent labor, any more than there is of honest capital or good- old rye and honey. Then by mutual forbearance — with discriminating industry on the one hand (i. e., labor), and kindness, witli proper remuneration, on the part ot the other hand (i. e., capital) — so bespattering mankind with sweet bread and gentle smiles (well-assorted) that the body politic may be made pure, and all of us receive a fair share of " happy vet." SOME ANSWERS TO SOME QUESTIONS (as to this Subject, — questions not given). Competition is the life of trade, " but it is that kind " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 143 of competitiveness that seeks " the good of all, not the ad- vantage of one. When labor seeks to " compete " by tak- ing low prices for hard work, it(mayhaps unconsciously) is following the example of that huge snake " that hun- gry eats itself" — commencing with the smallest end first, but, nevertheless, " eating itself then" When labor attempts to "jew deown" on prices of general merchan- dise, it is also injuring itself; for most of capital reduces wages when goods " go cheap." " Causes and effects " are like old ocean's currents, one under another, one following another, yet some- times mingling so nicely you " couldn't tell which was which" — like a ball of yarn, " stran " beneath a " stran," " stran " athwart a " stran," " stran " around a " stran," so glibly mixed that they are " somewhat to unravel " — . And so it is with labor: "you buy cheap" somebody else " goes cheap," then " somebody else buys cheaper," then you will think " you have to go cheaper," therefore beware of " cutting down " the " ruling prices of the town " you live in. And so it is with capital ; discouraging good pay, encourages " poor work ; " poor work sells cheap ; selling cheap work is of " little pro- fit ; " " little profit " makes you wish cheaper labor ; and that cheaper labor wants "low prices ; " and low prices are the antecedents of loafing and communism. Property is only of value in proportion to its security from burglary, arson, robbery, riots, and wars. Security is only generally attainable in proportion to the contentment of mankind as to position and needs. Contentment is mostly secured (as to position and needs) by a well remunerated, kindly treated, intelligently instructed labor. 144 " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." . Remuneration proper, consists, generally, in giving a fair portion of the profit to the help. Kind treatment consists in speaking gently yet firm- ly, and supplying the needs of the downcast and wearied. Intelligent instruction is better given by encouraging systematic thought and action. " Let no time be wasted" should not mean that 14 hours a day must be industriously filled by incessant labor for the benefit of employer, but that whatever hours (and as few as possible — to enable all to obtain work as well as Test — are the best) are for work, the remaining should be systematically arranged for improvement and rest. The belief has generally obtained that labor wastes its time — even if allowed it from the workshop. If that be so it is bad symptoms and needs correcting ; but capital is as much to blame for this thing as labor (and even more), for capital, which is supposed to know the benefits of system, has never taught them (labor) the beauties of it — except as to its duty to it — nor seemed to care to do so — rather encouraging than other- wise, " looseness " when " their time was up." The cause was (I suppose) that they knew that as " looseness as to use of time, so looseness as to use of money, means want, and want signifies more " long work " and " short pay." Honest labor is that which tries to do one thins: (at a time) perfectly, and to fulfill its promised engage- ments. Honest capital is that which strives to secure good labor at good pay without overwork — never for the sake of large profits, which no one may ever enjoy, sac- rificing health of self or employee. " The Laborer is Worthy of his Hire." 145 Common labor is the reverse of honest labor. Dishonest capital is the reverse of honest capital. The character of a mean employer is — why, my son, it is — j-u-s-t a-b-o-u-t 1-i-k-e t-h-a-t o-f a h-o-r-n-e-t's n-e-s-t — while you are with him the stay is unpleasant, and when you attempt to leave just as much of a " disa- greeable " — no happiness to be seen until after you are gone, if then. "LAUGH AND GKOW FAT." Some one hath said, that, " in laughter alone do we differ from beasts." I have to suppose that he meant an honest man's laugh — the kind that warbles forth like unto a pearly brook which, meandering along, gently ir- rigates the dry and thirsty soil around it, and makes all the adjacent "naborhood" "smile" like as unto a flowery plain. " The morning sun " (before it " gits up high " I mean, of course, for when it " gits on a high " in summer it dries up much laugh or much smile of flowery plain, or much brooks, or much anything, is pretty good as a laugh generator — Tm a thinking. The present system of "rush for gain," amongst "two- legged bipeds without feathers," tends to clog up the stream of laughter, as it curdles the cream from the " milk of human kindness ; " and the wealth-seekers will at the end find that they can't open it again with the combined efforts of " all the clergy." The remark about " two- legged bipeds without feathers" ain't intended for an in- sult to " sum " picked " rooster," Plato's representation to his scholar who gave that as a definition of What Man was? as to how his meaning might be construed. (I make this explanation more from a " love " I always had for the (tender) rooster than for any especial like for the coin-squeezing man.) " Laugh and Grow Fat. 147 The horse laugh — the kind that " abounds in the mouth of fools " — nor the sneer laugh of the proud, nor the syco- phantic smile of the deceitful, nor the sarcastic grin of the vain, ain't the quality of laugh to bring much joy to man's heart, much flesh to one's bones, nor won't do to water much big field of turnips with. But as to genuine, heart-felt, head-clear, mouth over- flowing, jubilant, " hold-on-to-your-top-knot"-and-your slippers-too, tear away laughter, I am in favor of it, from the tip of my longest hair to the outward rim of my big-toe nails. I am, in fact, now believing that kind of laugh to be " heap better " nor a sermon, schnapps, oys- ters, or beer-^in fact, than everything but old rye, or mashed potatoes — for any complaint from "yaller fever" to a cold in the head, from a scold in the house to a " wet blanket." I am so much in favor of genuine laughter (whether it make a man fat or not) that I'd prefer my friends to laugh at me rather than they should not laugh at all. This isn't because I love myself less, but that I like my friends more (?) — whether you believe it, or not, makes " nothing care " to Jonas. My " three year old " appreciates it when she asks her ma to " laugh at her " (when she's been a naughty girl), and she will take no fool of a laugh for a satisfaction cither — " a true Simpkins " there. (It seems to prevent much birch bending.) My six months prodigy (for "an old man") shows its preferences for heart-whole laughter by a general, genial crow. "That oldest one, asked her ma once " if " God wouldn't 'augh at her when she died and went to heaven ? " Blessed (unsophisticated, yet truly wise) innocence, I believe God will, and just as 148 "Laitgli and Grow Fat." you mean it / even now, His smile is the cause of our happiest laughter. Whenever I find a young man that can laugh at the loss of a beloved moustache, a maiden that can let flow a satisfactory smile at the loss of a youthful lover, a middle aged man in tights, that can whistle a laugh if his financial or fleshly heels are tripped from under him, or an old man that can smile benignly on his own follies or the follies of others, I imagine that I shall believe in long life as to them, and that I'd much rather be their friend than their enemy. There is nothing near a hearty laugh, unless it are a smile at " sum " good old rye and honey, or a smile from an affectionate spouse. I've seemed to learn this after awhile. I smile always when Sally Jane passes me the rye and honey, and Sally Jane smiles when I pass her the " mashed potatoes " (no new bonnets near our dilapidated wood-shed). P. S. I am waiting anxiously a genial smile from my suffering feller-citizens. "YOU MOW HOW IT IS YOUR- SELF." " Shaep " young men, "bright" old men, ■" fast" young maidens, " dilapidated " old maids, bachelors from 25 to 40, newsboys, calico-cutters, peanut-peddlars,- ragpickers, theatre actors and goers, belles at balls, capi- talists on 'change, small grocers — and everything that wears a dolly varden skirt, hat, boot, necktie, shirt, pa- per collar, or spurs — have taken up this much thumped phrase, and hurled it around at indiscriminate humanity, until like that of " a very hot day to-day " (in summer weather), it has become most confoundedly, egotistically, outrageously, superciliously, abominably disgusting to some persons I know (?) of. J. E. Wett is always throwing that " hot day " phrase at me, and if he were not such a warm friend of mine I think I should give him a bath of cold water. I often feel like "telling" J. E. Wett, when he is so constantly " giving (me) good morning," in the not classic but ex- pressive language of an old friend, Smith-weeke, " good morning for a week, dod drat you." This bandying of badly stuck-together phrases is pecu- liarly an Americanism (an American's specialty), and the worst of it is that almost unconsciously the best informed " get into the habit ; " and hence, I am afraid (?) I have been led to "follow suit? " If I have done so, I may be 150 " You Know How It Is Yotirsclf." sorry, but I shed no crocodile tears over it, like unto a* " sum " chief mourner at a well preserved funeral, before a fashionable audience on a well sioept burying ground, but continue to " try and not do so," likewise, " any more " if " I know myself." Suppose I did then — well you can (?) skip that. At the age of sixteen (I have sometimes observed) most men seem to "know (about) how it is yourself" better than when they arrive at the mature boyhood of sixty summers, as } T our Uncle Jonas, so-called. I don't know why this is, unless it are that when a youth gets to the hoary age of 60 he finds that the longer a man's life is the more he finds (I golly) out that " he didn't know what he thought he knowed " about himself or anybody else's self, his own things or any- body else's — " whomsumever's " — things. About the only thing I soem to know is, that I know not. I have known (?) some very small infant that, I imagined, thought it knevj all about how it were ?Yself (so-called), when it took up some large piece of liquorice and put it to its mouth-diminutive, under the impression that it " were be going to have a nice sweet time of it" — them, infant were mistaken, as one might discover (when the liquorice reached its destination) by their grimaces. I have known (?) some three-year-old c-h-i-1-d-r-c-n that seemed to think they know how it are themselves, about the climbing of fences and garden gates ; but, " waking up " with their nether garments well stretch- ed, and their head hanging downward — trying (?) to analyze the sands beneath them — would "seem to ought to discourage" the growth of vanity, in that respect, pro tern. " You Know How It Is Yourself." 151 (But vanity in some children, like in some grown folks, never dies.) I have known (?) "sum" 10-year-old that imagined they " know how it were and all about it " — in the way of education — to an extent that ought to satisfy the cravings of a 60-yr.-old genius. I have imagined that " sum " 20-year-old premature ly-aged individuals were morely certain that they hieto all about the "tricks of trade" and business life, to a nicety that should bring to their summons the unsolici- ted capital of an eager Stewart, and command the res- pect of an Astor, when at the same time they couldn't account for the errors in a small sixpenny deposit in an over-burdened (?) bank account. " Sum " " bizness " folks and capper-tellists* imagine t/ieyknow " how it is " when they hire a book-keeper, at $500 per annum to " fill the bill " of a steady-laboring, active-brained man, who should, for his attention to their interests and the consumption of his time and life, secure the salary of $2,000 per annum (and poor pay at that), " their pro- fits are so small that they can't afford that kind of help," they say. [I sometimes have to surmise that they don't understand that if they only make $5,000 per annum where they employ a " good man," that they may only realize " nix " when they " charter " an ill- constructed " common one : " or if they secure " nary good results " when they have some worthy worker, that their profits (?) may be " over the left" (hand-side of the page) when the help is of the imaginative kind]. Some sixty -year-old youths seem to desire it to be * Jouas " has flown again." Capitalists.— {Ed.) 152 " You Know How It Is Yourself." " perfectly understood " that they are thoroughly acquainted with the " ins and outs of life," because they happen to suppose that " the earth is round like unto an apple," or the " moon ain't green cheese " no more, or " things are not as they used to was," or they are not "growing old a bit more than formerly" or Simon Simpkins' calf (that they wanted to huy) "ain't much calf any how," or that the world is near its final wind- up, or that old rye are not healthy. " Sum " poets know (?) they are laureates — or should be (?). " Sum " authors know (?) their books will live thro' all time — or should (?). " Sum" religious persons know (?) that " thar toe hold" on heaven is sure — or might, could, would, or should, will, shall, or must be. " Sum " business men (so-called) know (?) that " thar's ar " the road to wealth — their method the only safe one to prevent bankruptcy ; and that Sam Jones is " clean gone " and will be " sold out " — or should he (?). " Sum " women know (?) that their lovers are " honest, brave and true," and that Jenny Tompkins's is a " rover " — or should be, or His hoped roill he (?). " Sum " men know (?) that their sweethearts are as "lovely as a butterfly, as beautiful as an houri, as sensible as a Madame De Stael, and as honest as a Martha Washington ; but that all others are as fickle as a coquet, and as apt to fade away as an autumn day — or het so. " Sum " men, women, and children, " don't know noth- ing natally no how," or if they do don't seem to " You Know How It Is Yourself.'" 153 develop a display of any excess of ability in the showing of it — and to them the previous portion of this yes-say (?) has been devoted, in the trying to " inspire " them in some other way — at least may be so (?). Jonas Simpkins has, after mature consideration, and careful deliberation, decided to the satisfaction of his own mind, at present at least,' that those who. are thoroughly posted — like posts in the sink-hole of vanity, or bogmire of pride, to be washed up by some mental thunder-squall — as to the " knowing of how it is yourself" — about everything from the borning of a child to the burying of a somnambulistic, apoplectic, epileptic oldish person ; from the " running of a (toy) engine " to the construction of a railroad ; from the " keeping of a junk shop to "filling the chair of state ;" from "corres- ponding with a lovely maid " to editing a " Tribune," a " Times," or an "Index ;" from " spinning small yarns " on street corners (to " admiring boot-blacks") to " pla} T - ing the roll of a Forrest ;" from a " log rolling of many large logs " to making mud pies in the street gutters ; from filling positions (of every J.'ukJ) well, when obtain- ed, to obtaining positions of every (or any) kind to fill — are about as scarce as the "grease in an onion," "hair on a sheep's back " (or a very young man's upper lip) the passionate love of an old man, the wise sayings of twenty-year-old "colts," the certainty of obtaining money out of much promise, the probability of securing much brains by " doing for ' sum ' fried oysters," or the likelihood that his children will ever be thoroughly, sat- isfactorily fed as to mind and body — especially the body. 154 " you Know How It Is Yourself." P. S. — /thought about the age of 10 that "/ knew how it were myself," when I climbed a peach-tree for " sum " peaches ; but when, after filling my boyish paunch with much fruit of that kind from an adjoining limb, I proceeded to sing some juvenile song, and, while swinging backward by a dead young elm, fell to earth's embrace, with some pertinacious hold on some piece of that elm, I wasn't so certain, even if my pertinacity was much, that my knowledge was anything to boast on. A picking up 'of "sum" not quite dead boy by some handy servant, "sum" needy (?)* spanking by some handy mother, " sum " cogitations upon the uncertainty of aerial joys of peach-tree characteristics, and the advan- tages of solid ground, were somewhat more prolific of a development of thought that tended to convince me, at that time, that I didn't know " all about how it were " myself. There is nothing better for the temporary knock- ing out of some vanity out of " sum young ones," than a "smart" fall from a peach-tree limb — the only thing is, that as everything has a consolation, or a hitter in it, so the bitter of the peach-tree concoction ma/y he that a small boy is apt to get the " spots knocked out of him." ("Know thyself" was, I believe, one of Solomon's mot- toes ; but, altho ' Solomon was accounted a right smart man, and tolerably wise in his time, yet he can't equal the young folks now-a-days; for these young ones say, " We know ourselves, and have pretty nigh found out our neighbors." Nothing like real progression, "espe- cially in this climate where dog- wood " rales " are "skase.)" We never forget the habit of thinking "we know it all " until we get very old, and " sum " not then. At the age of 13 I imagined Latin was my forte (and it " You Know How It Is Yourself." 155 was my hobby — the riding of which, sometimes, I ain't quite got over yet), and that what I didn't know about it Cicero could not have taught ; but, as I was about becoming muchly elevated on acconnt of my supposed knowledge, a few strengthening slips (?) of the birch, in the hands of an irate tutor, who imagined I didn't understand my lesson, fully demonstrated the fact that I didn't "know how it were myself" "for the time being." At the age of 22, fully advised that I knew how to " run " a country store, I attempted it ; and " two short years" afterwards my muchly damaged credit and in- creasing indebtedness (for I " busted ") didn't fully satisfy my creditors, as I understand, as to my " knowing to a cer- tainty how it were myself." At the age of 60, so-called, I am no more " larned " about the realities of life than I ought to be ; for altho' experience may have been a good teacher, as far as she went, yet she didn't go far enough to enable me to be fully prepared to state positively that / " know how it are myself." " Knowledge is power," some say ; and if it be true, as taught, why the amount of power now in use amongst most of men, or by most of men, wouldn't be sufficient to construct a good-sized ant-house, much less build a world, with little bugs and crocodiles, ele- phants and tadpoles, 'whales and green-bottle flies, giraffes and half-shelled chickens, alligators and "minners," sea- turtles and terrapins, sea-lions and oysters, bad debts and musquitoes, slow debts and snails, no debts and poor- houses all mixed up in it, like unto a clam chowder, yet as perfect in their movements as the spheres, and as regu- lar in their habits as a " meeting-house." 156 " You Knotv How It Is Yourself." "To know or not to know, that's the question 1 ;" as " sum un " " puts it." And if any will tell me what 1 want " to know " I'll treat .them, but if they will inform me as to how not to know about " sum " things I'll " treat 'em better." " To know about ' what never was,' nor ' are not now,' I care not," saith a friend ; and "Til be fetched " if I ain't like him ; but so ain't all folks. " Strive for knowledge," say some. Yes, that's right ; but it don't mean that a feller (that can't swim) shall attempt to ascertain the depth of a creek by squatting on a slippery log, fishing for minerals or " minners." I at least don't think it does, for it's too risky — not for the " minners," minerals or log, but only for the feller. I am inclined to think, tho,' that a man should attempt to ac- quire the knowledge of correctly " discussing " mashed potatoes, even if he has to stride a saw-buck to do it. " Seeming knowledge " is not real knowledge, " sum un " says again. No ! I guess not ; but yet it seemeth as if we were only likely to attain to that kind, if any ; and the stock of that don't seem very abundant or well- assorted. Some men can build a steamboat, but some men don't seem to know how to thread a needle. Some men can govern (after a fashion) a good-sized empire, but some men don't seem to know how " to run " a little horse-car (at all). Some men can play on the melodeon, but some men don't seem to know how to grind a hand- organ. Even the seeming to know how to grind a hand- organ is more knowledge than most of men get to pos- sess in a life-time. I'll acknowledge that I don't. N.B. — Anacreon undoubtedly thought that he "knew how it were himself " as to eating " sum" raisins — having " You Know How It Is Yourself." 157 masticated some raisins before — but be was cboked to deatb one day on a small raisin seed. Caesar is supposed to bave believed himself acquainted with bow it were as to many things ; but he " crossed the Rubicon," and Rome was free no more. Napoleon, the Onct, who was " pretty generally in- formed," possessed after all only seeming knowledge, as a Waterloo with its unexpected Blucher, and St. Helena's quondam defiant smile — down from its rocky heights — on the conqueror of a hemisphere, and the creature of circumstances, ought to prove. Possess thyself of all seeming knowledge, but trust to nature for a proper en- lightenment as to the how — I'd say. MASHED POTATOES. Masixed potatoes, like most any other kind of diet, re- quires some mixing e'er it " ar fit for dacint folks" to partake of. The above remark about diet don't only refer to the food that we expect by grubbing to obtain for our natu- ral bodies, but it will also apply to that intellectual and moral diet that we strive to acquire for the nourishment of our mental and spiritual systems. Whether there be any suitable diet for you, my reader, in this little book, 1 know not, but I am inclined to be- lieve that it are at least pretty well mixed — some earnest talk, some chat, some plain reasoning, some things that " there ain't much reason in," some sigh, some grin, may- be some cry, may-be some laugh, some hits, some pats, some bits, some bats, something " that may-be you don't know of," some more things that you may suppose you know all about — like life, if taken aright, plenty of fun and plenty of fight. If you don't find what you want " pass it by." Whence many " get good pickings" some more may get supplied, and without much fear of strychnine either. A good book, like life, " sorter kinder " resembles a big, well-crammed, well-assorted lunch basket, having some pickles, some jam, some sass, some.ta/'ts, some stale fr^m & '". j ..# 1 •Tonus discusses as to the wholesome beauties of mashed-potato, — by tasting and talking. Mashed Potatoes. 159 bread, some more tarts, some more sass, some more jam, and some more pickles (and many other things) ; and re- petition is continued as long as the basket will hold them without bursting. We are, most of us, always complaining about the sour in our sweet, but I wouldn't myself like lemonade with- out some sour lemon in it, nor bitters without some cherry bark in it. It's just my nature, tho,' and I can't help it ; if anybody else likes them " differently fixed " they can enquire and find them at most first-class lemon- ade stands or drug stores — "just put up to suit their taste." Mature, tho', never mixes things badly. If we think so its just because we ain't "posted" — the little hole for our post not yet being dug, or our " posting" yet begun. Sally Jane, my wife, is pretty good on mixing things, also — especially as to old rye and honey, and mashed potatoes. " Mashed potatoes" are bread and meat to some folks, the sustenance of the life that now is to others, and a kind of make-up-an-assortment to the table of a phew; but, as Jonas Siinpkins smiling regards them (from the corner of his left eye), they are the nourishment of the body of some Simpkinses, as well as that material sub- stance from which an extract is obtained that buoys up the system, giving such encouragement to some other Simpkins as warms the mind into energetic action, and the heart into generous dealing. Most of our minds and hearts are like some " foreign " flowers — foreign because we haven't cidtivated them — that require the-hot bed of " circumstances adverse " to draw forth their beauties and sweetness. Whatever 160 Mashed Potatoes. there are of " buty " in myself, " wees-dum " in my sayings, or kindness in my actions, I am ready and anxious to give due credit to whatever generous supply of mashed potatoes I have heretofore been the recipient — either those that my grocer has "given" me on due " credit," or friends or strangers have supplied me with. If my actions, spoken by words, don't seem kind to some, maybe that what they have " taken to themselves, as meant for them,was intended for the benefit of others." (Nevertheless, an author is not natural (like nature) that refuses, for opinion's sake, to speak up for some from the " fear of offending others") One that fears to get scratched won't pluck many, very many roses, nor he that " fears a kicking " court many pretty girls. Nettle bushes and kicking mules 'tain't best to handle much. Nettle bushes are about the only thing I would care to handle with gloves, and then but lightly. Kicking mules or heifers it " wan't the custom of our family " either to handle much or mix with — with gloves or without ; for if there were any on our farms we usually hired some country politician to drive them to a butcher for the sake of the skin. It were a good job for the politician at that, for he really never got anything else for his work but the "skinnings for his pains ;" and " as for the danger that didn't matter," as he might get his head " busted " next election day. I have seemed to notice that not many politicians fail in either getting the head bust (or the " bust-head ") — if they pay close attention to " saluting " their friends (?) across the table of a bar at a country grocery — on 'lection day. Potatoes, well heated thro' with " sum " hot water, well mashed with " sum " pestle, well anointed with Mashed Potatoes. 161 " sum " extract of cows' milk, and . well sprinkled with " sum " black (not cayenne, if you please) pepper and " sum " fine salt, are a mighty good dish " for any one to discuss over," and in our family have been admired for their honest comeliness " for as far back as / can recol- lect," or most of my ancestors for that matter. Potatoes ain't " quite so purty " as an apple or peach, maybe, but (when well cooked) are much more interesting to the stomach. Raw potato, like raw dog, ain't either good for to (e) bite, or be bitten by. I have heard it are good for rheumatism, tho'. I seem to know it are best (like man) when it are mashed by the pestle (of adversity). Their skin is tender as an infant, and their heart is full of sympathy as a wise old man. Like a good man, they are gotten up by nature for the benefit of the race ; and, like the most virtuous men, the best grow next to the biggest dung-hills. I have almost always noticed that howsumever muchly I never fancied pepper and salt, " right just so," as a steady diet, yet I always hankered after a little of them to be mixed in with my other food — not so plentifully as by the handful, like as to a tract connoisseur distributing tracts, but gently, like unto some deeds of charity from some poor, half-starved laborer. Mashed potatoes have in them the essence of kow, the extract of much dirty dirt, the vivacity of some pepper, the saving quality of some salt, i. e., if properly attended to by Nature and some intelligent Sally Jane. The dirt in their composition makes the man, altho' "folks" don't want to own it. If a man's mental and physical composition partakes of mashed potatoes, as naturally as the family of Your's 1 62 Mashed Potatoes. Serenely does, why then I seem to know why such hearty-handed, whole-souled kind of beings, that I recol- lect of, have a hankering after some of which. " Sum " men hanker after " hash " — as it now is — as naturally as a " rantankerous ox " does after " sum " unforbidden tur- nip patch ; but they are a kind of worm-eaten, sour, un- forbidding, dyspeptic-looking, greedy-cur kind of men, that it ain't well to delight much in the society of. / never could. In speaking of hash-eaters of this kind, Z, of course, mean that rusty beef, old rubber, half-chicken-half-egg kind of hash, that is up for general distribution among lunch-swilling nickel-grabbers, constitutes the kind of hash that they admire. Is it any wonder that any man that could enjoy that hind of hash will have a worship for man and money, or even steal the milk from a blind calf? and still believe in heaven (wherever that is) as a place of rest from, and on account of, his extra-pious exertions ? Tell me. I don't know. I have known (?) some men who make regular discussions on the subject of chicken or young heef hash, who are as systematically built, and surely intended for gentlemen, as those who, like Jonas, believe in the sentiment expressed in the ditty of Two potatoes and a dram, Make "sum" white-folks "gemplernan." But I don't believe that any one usually partook of " raw-hide " hash, as a favorite dish, that " ever were fit for anything " but directors of some fashionable church, " chaplain for some base-ball club " (ask your pardin, Mr. Mark Twain, for taking your words from you, but they are quoted), or passers-around of some Mashed Potatoes. 163 beaver-liat for the reception of something for the mission cause ; and I will say, for the benefit of those that fill those positions, that maybe not for that. Mashed potatoes are " a purely vegetable diet," and, consequently, healthful, exhilarating, sympathy-inspir- ing, and mirthful — the mother of wit, chastity, and mercy, and the father of valor, generosity, and justice — and, like w.ell-distilled sorrows, are " mighty good to have about the house." I have believed myself cor- rectly informed as to some persons, old and young, rich and poor, that have disgusted their stomach to nausea with too much and eager perusal of cold snaps, sweet cake, biled cabbage, " sum " pie, and so forth ; but I've yet to learn of one person who has ever been surfeited with too much mashed potatoes — when the stomach is full you are apt to be satisfied. Sum f-o-l-k-s, h-i-g-h-f-a-1-u-tin f-o-l-k-s, "don't like mashed potatoes ^\v reiterated, "I may not be able until after a little while to tell exactly who is the hypo- crite ; " yet as I wrote the above declaration in my diary, 196 " Consistency is a Jewel? when I was younger than I are now, I will leave it, like the poets do, "for the sake of the rhythm? Call it not mconsistency but " poetic license," and you'll be able to meander thro' all straight.) " In my boyhood's days," I knew a talented man who from some cause (what ! I know not) would occasionally " give up to " drinking burnt-rosin rum, and would be led sadly astray — going down almost unto the dumb- brutes in depravity. This man's mother (speak it reverently) was a con- sistent woman, and, her residence being at the head of the street, she always placed a lamp at one of the win- dows, when her bachelor son was out, to guide his foot- steps home ! I have seen him stop and look at that light (before being " too tar gone "). He'd then be almost led to go to his anxious mother, saying, more in mind and heart than with lips, in gentle tone and with head downcast, " mother calls me home ! " I have be- sought him to "listen to her silent beckonings, and (thanking God for such a mother) to return home ! " — but, some sudden thought flashing wildly through his disordered brain, he'd off to drown that silent, inward prayer. That man, " steeped in disgrace as he was," was better for such a mother ! Let mothers set up their material and moral light in the windows of the house and heart, so that they may always light the, way that leads (or may lead) the wanderer home ! It were not so much that candle that called to that son, as it was the "silent watching" that the light indicated, a consistent, constant mother was keeping for him. I always admired consistency in religion, and whether a man be a Presbyterian or Universalist, a Catholic or " Consistency is a Jewel? 197 " hard shell " Baptist, Atheist or Theist, Methodist or Quaker, Unitarian or Freethinker, Mason or Odd Fel- low, I care not, if he will only act his part consistently and act not hypocrite while he prays — and not then if he don't tread on my corns nor try to "smother" me with his theory. I don't worry myself over any man's ideas about" as to saving the country what the best plan is," so he be- haves himself as well as a tolerable-bred mulatto — and may — be not then, if he don't try to shove his particular opinions on me as extra sound and practical. (And I'd say just here, that if there is anything you like in this book, swallow, and if there ain't don't. I am no " make-bird-sing " man.) I am not especially anxious as to how " that ar " be- fnmed, bepuffed up youth curls his moustache, or whe- ther it " ar " brown or sandy, provided he sticks to one color and one curler — and not then, if he don't meddle himself with the shape of mine. I don't fret over the fact that a beauteous maiden may have a different idea of what " love " is than I do, so she don't like too many men of different natures at the same time or any other time — and not then, if she don't call me grandpap. (If there is anything that hurts any- body it's telling them their faults.) Consistency "are" "beautiful" in cmytkmg y it makes a monkey a plea- sant jester, a young man a cheerful companion, a blue- eyed maid an earthly angel, an aged man a reverenced friend, an elderly female an esteemed adviser, and my Sally Jane a glorious wife. Consistency is to man what feathers are to a goose — hiding many a bodily de- formity and making his rest easy. 198 " Consistency is a Jewel? Bread ain't worth a cent without the dough has con- sistency. Piety is worse than much corn husk without con- sistency. Politeness is a bye-word unless it hath consistency. Prayer is a mockery without a good deal of con- sistency. And even gum-drops ain't worth sucking if they haven't " sum " consistency. My fore-father and fore-mother Simpkins were consist- ent christians (which, if they liked to be christians, I don't object), and if they hadn't been christians they could not have helped being consistent — too many mashed potatoes in that family for any inconsistency to thrive much. They could no more have promised one tiling and "gone about doing something else" than a fly could have crawled two ways at once (or a sand crab one way at two times). They could no more have taught one thing, and prac- ticed another, than a mouse can climb a " greased hick- ory." If there is any one thing that I am especially thank- ful to nature's God for, it is that he led my parents to teach me the beauties of consistency, and taught them to partake of that kind of diet that produced it. Whether from my latter contact with the world much of my consistency hath gotten worn off, I know not ; but it is to be hoped, that as inconsistency is my so great aversion, that there may be a few consistency hid loosely around my ribs like. What consistency I have got (or have not got) I " Consistency is a Jewel? 199 wouldn't trade off even for a seat with kings, or a plenteous meal for .my hungry family. I have always been tempted to believe that a man without it were worse off than a fly without wings, or a grasshopper without legs — he may get into sweetness and get out again, but if so he can't make much "big day's jour- ney." The inconsistent man is as slippery as an eel — you may kill and roast him, but he'll wriggle still: he is as deceptive to deal with as a greased gimlet — when you imagine you're boring away finely, the gimlet is slipping thrd your fingers ; he is as uncertain as a flea — being sure to bite when you don't expect it, and as apt to get away ere you do expect it; he is as friendly as a mosquito — " cousining " (or cozening") you only to " bleed " you j he is as fickle as a damaged organ — giving sometimes a semblance' of music but only to disappoint you by closing up with a squeak ; he is as plausible as a Sunday sermon— and as false as " week- day practice." P. S.— Consistency may (?) not be a jewel of sufficient value to secure a man a reserved seat (so-called) in Para- dise (so-called) ; but if it aint it are mighty consoltng to have it around you here. I don't much believe a man could secure by its aid much of a " paying position " even here, but if he can't I don't much hanker after much position. Consistent men often wonder if they be consistent, but an inconsistent one never. POLITICS: A GREAT MAELSTROM IN WHICH FOOLERS AND FOOLS GET WOFULLY MIXED, AND SOME GET "SUMTHYMES" DROWNED. Politics, like as to mathematics, hydrostatics, gym- nastics, " clockticks," " cowticks," " bedticks," " seeticks," and acoustics, may be of " sum " importance, if thorough- ly understood ; but from the physical, moral, intellect- ual, and financial conditions of most countries, it would not seem that there were any overwhelmingly large number of people that were capable of " fathoming the mysterious depths " of it — i. e., as viewed from a saw- buck. Most of men go to vote like they go to church, or theatre, because it are fashionable or customary. These people expect by placing a "littlest" slip of paper in a littler hole in a little box (for his opponent to stuff four more upon) to change the fate of a coun- try, or — obtain some soft position in counting house or State, by colleaguing with those who make money by their votes. Time was, when voting was a power in the land (votes were "scarcer than they are now," even among the Politics. 201 6ame number of people), but now, when intelligence is not {always) equal to money, nor honesty (always) equivalent to position, it are to my mind very doubt- ful if voting be anything but "von — what you call him ? — humbug," as a foreign acquaintance once ob- served. Why that observation happened to be made was thusly : Ebenezer Thompson (Neze, we called him for short — and he always swallowed it on election days, but after that he'd say, " my name is Ebenezer Thompson, if you please " ) was candidate for — well ! for toothpick dis- tributor — and had just asked a foreign friend (?) fur his vote — to be cast for him on account of "party affilia- tion" — and when he candidly refused to "support him," had gruffly murmured, as he wandered otf, " The darned fool don't know that I just asked him for fun, as I've already got my men 'marked, ticketed, and ready for sale,' and enough to ' kill my opponent's votes.' " " Neze " was accurate as to figures, and carried the election. His money silenced most of his weak opponents' conscientious scruples, and convinced the world, of county, " that he were an honest man" (except a few ; — my "foreign acquaintance," ISTeze's "foreign friend" (?), and some others who had witness'd Neze's "departure"). Neze went " back on his friends," tho', before his term of office expired, and maybe they wont " go for him so strong " the next time ; but 1 wouldn't bet on it. (I'd say here, that I'd rather bet on a comet striking the earth, even if she be a few days, weeks, or months " past due," than I would on a vote upon an election that's either " not to come otf in some time," or " now coming off," or even one that had "passed" — in the latter case I should fear 202 Politics. I'd " gotten names mixed," and were " betting on the wrong man.") At any rate, I don't affect politics any more'n I do seeticks, for yon may get your blood spilt all day for your country, and, if you succeed in retaliating, only extinguish a "bug?" 1 If I were a person that spent much time in voting, I imagine I'd try to spend more time in trying to find out by thinking — not in following anybody's else's think — of what I intended to achieve by voting, and whether that vote might not, instead of sav- ing the country, in the future deal some heavy blow to my self-respect. I have always been one of the class that believed we need fewer votes and more honesty, less voting and more intelligence ; and that, where voting was done by every- body, honesty and intelligence had retrograded, A friend says : " A superabundance of votes ain't of any more real advantage to the ' body politic ' than a surplus of sour-krout are to the stomach of an African negro. A Dutchman may ' sumthymes ' stand a large amount of sour-krout, but a Negro never." All Dutchmen don't like much sour-krout. I have always argued with my young friends, that they had better go to shelling popcorn than peddling political tracts ; or driving a pony-express, than speaking, about " somethings'" that they know not of, upon a well- w r orn stump of a weather-beaten oak (to get " beaten " themselves "for their trouble") — the most pitiable drama that oak ever figured in, I bet. But if young men will go into that poll-it-i-call busi- ness, let them become thoroughly posted as to what con- stitutes political economy, and then, maybe, if they don't Politics. 203 lend themselves to intrigue and chicanery, and other dis- honesties, they may become statesmen, if they don't achieve (so-called) political fame. Some say, " We must fight the devil with fire," and that "the end justifies the means;" but I've seemed to notice that those who fight " the mostest " with fire, generally come out of the melee with some fingers burnt (if no worse !), and ever since Sally Jane — my wife — gave me that back-stair hoist, I haint been so confident about the ends justifying the means. Some friends of mine told our Arkansas friends, that they had better (after the " late unpleasantness ") pay more attention to raising big potatoes, than in trudging to " sum" polls to cast " sum " votes ; but they listened not ; and potatoes grew " skase," and political rights grew scarcer, until now they are bankrupt, both in pocket-book and expectations. Now they sing (" after it's too late " — the way with most of us) ; "A little voting is a purty good thing, But too much ' woting ' ain't worth a little 'ding? " This country, called America, will soon be dug up into post holes, " to put hi poles in " (not fools, for they don't bury the fools until after election), with flags on top ot 'em, and t(h)in men on horseback, and t(h)in chicken-roosters, and t(h)in hats around 'em (or vice versa as to flags and tin things) ; and everybody (and his wife) will want to vote, and be "madder than Tucker" if the " polls ain't held at their shop." Every one will expect his neighbor to vote as he directs, or want to make him " to eat fire" about not doing it. A "good many " will "pay out" (like a fisherman does his trout-line) money for hacks, hired to carry " votes and voters " to 204 Politics. the polls (not' poles) with, or for "poor strychnine," that neither kills nor fattens but altogether ruinates, to bamboozle " sum " with, or for popcraekers and Roman candles to make some noise with, or torchlight proces- sions to make " sum " show with, or for "sum " political (quack) doctors to harangue somebody about something what they don't need to know, or some flags to play " patriotic " with. Liquor sellers, flag and fire-work venders, liverymen, and some politicians may make "sum" money out of it, but the mass of mankind " will darn nigh starve while this blarsted thing am going on; you just see if they don't." " This year nothing is doing, and labor has to work cheap" (so capital says, and it seems so) ; and next year crops will be scarcer, grain high, and work scarcer still, taxes higher, and rent higher still — all on account of the confounded humbug of " everybody voting " — " you mind if it ain't." When I see a politician that's talking of " going to save the country," or a demagogue that's "going to work to keep a politician from saving (?) it," I shun them both, and hold a tight grip onto my outside coat-buttons " until I am well out of range." Not that all men that affect political knowledge are of the grab-button class, but there are so many that are, that I walk around some to prevent being " you-curr'd "* by the others — and if " you-curr'd," get in a row. A person that don't vote (and vote right, i. e., " suit all hands ") " ain't of use any longer " in this climate — especially if he don't "make up "for not voting by " shouting hallelujahs " to (somebody). So I expect to * Jonas, that's a stretching of " euchred," i" think ; but let it go.— {Ed.) Politics. 205 have to seek some " fiirrin shore," where folks ain't " quite so free with " other people's liberty (?) and pocketbooks. P. S. — A capitalist may " temporarily stand " this kind of politics, but a poor man " can't afford such a luxuryP " How will you remedy it ? " says cautious friend. I reply thusly (altho', of course, I don't know (?) so much about it as some folks, yet) : If I were a voting man, I'd vote for less voting — for " making the term of office last as long as good behavior," capacity, and life lasted — for paying office-holders enough to keep them from inadvertently appropriating or asking for special appropriations — for letting the " fees " (if any) of an office go for the support of the particular government by whose authority they were assessed (if none, the government should be thankful that no "fees " need be assessed) ; give intelligent, honest men the " places " whence law originates (?), and then likely we will have some laws that can be enforced (not "lying" — orlieing — as " dead letters " in the statute book) ; if honest men are not in office to make or enforce law, oust them " as are in," and send an honest man to " fill the bill," and at the earliest moment; if an officer is proved dishonest, let him be dealt with by the law as indiscriminately as a rag-stealer might be. In .fact, we want good, plain, non- twistable laws, good officers to enforce them, and those good officers well paid. But cautious friend, says, "That's too big a job!" to which I reply, " You'll never save a country then ! " No country can be sustained long without honesty and intelligence are its constitution, and justice and mercy its 2o5 Politics. by-laws (nor does such a country expect sustaining). When trickery takes the place of honest dealing, a coun- try degenerates into the foul depths, crime, vanity, and false pride — and after pride cometh a tumble. All history proves this, and a man that can't see it is blind ; and the one who wantonly, shuts his eyes to keep from seeing it is a hypocrite. . When you, who understand the business of politics, achieve the triumph of the less seldom and fewer-voting principle, then — and not till then — will those to whose class I belong, come in to help you out in the rest of the " good work." Until that happy time comes, /(for one) prefer wood-sawing to " voting," and piling cordwood to " meddling in politics." N. B. — Sometimes an honest man gets put on a ticket — " not for strength to the ticket," but to give a sem- blance of " virtuous dealing ; " but unless there is a tem- porary disgust for the previous occupant, or the honest ii inn's backers happen (" for once") to be exceedingly powerful and persistent, there's not much fear (?) of him or his ticket being elected. What constitutes real dis- honesty, is not so much stealing from others, as it is the persistent misrepresentation for or against such measures as y<»ur constituency are interested in not only as a " con- stituency," but as a part of a whole nation of men. Altho' "I am no party-man," my wife, Sally Jane, is (?), and a certain " presentiment of something'''' situated in sight of her door, on a slim piece of wood, about 3 men high, is tending muchly to nauseate her as to "sum " 'politics. Another one says: The long-term-good-behavior-or-ca- pacity politics will never come in vogue, and, if it did Politics. 207 that, plenty of men can be found to swear (for another) that the office-holders were incapacitated, dishonest, and too old (or, if not, ought to be). ' Jonas ' says : But they do that now-a-days, it seems like ; and if they can beat their present actions then, why all I can say is, " God save the country ! " (for politicians, good, bad, or indiffer- ent, won't iftJiey caii). "THERE'S A DESTINY THAT SHAPES OUR EKDS, ROUGH HEW THEM AS WE WILL."— Shakespeaee. There are lots of so-called wise tliat imagine they know that destiny has " nothing to do with their doings " — they are self-conceited, very. Some more suppose that their destiny is already shaped — "faith makes them whole" (?) (some very vain ones seem to imagine them- selves whales). " Sum phew " more, don't seem to care a " darn about destiny," and " let the old tub float." Some more say that they don't fully believe that destiny is going to inform them of its intention, and therefore still keep hewing roughly away at certain ends, leaving to the future to decide as to the certainty or uncertainty of the successfulness of their endeavors. Heaving a " sigh for those who love them," Shoving a " smile at those who hate," " And whatever sky's above them," "Bearing a heart for any fate." That stanza of poet-try was partly quoted from Byron, and partly furnished by one of your Uncle Jonas' friends, who, like your Uncle, believes in the rough-hew- and-trust-to-the future process of journeying along, inde- pendent of sycophants or fools. Destiny is an hitherto unknown animal — if it are an " There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends" 209 animal — and is more of a nondescript than "Bar-n urn's Mermaid : " more varied as to the figures it cuts than a fashionable lady's dress, or an eccentric clown's contor- tions ; more perverse, seemingly, than a maiden's smile, a summer-wind, an old bachelor's vagaries, a poorly " iled " locomotive, a puritanically orthodox " boss," an ill- fed ox in a big meadow, a small pig in a turnip patch ; as unmindful of the petty Cares, insolent assaults, idle taunts, mournful grimaces, sycophantic beseechings of " mortals here below," as a mud-fence or a hermit, a ragged carpet (that will wear out even if there is no nickel to any more) or a quaker preacher. Mankind have seemed to tail to discover " what consti- tutes destiny " (about as nearly as they have what the praying of a sick cow consists in), where it lodges, and what it lives on, and hence we seem to remain in blissful ignorance of it (apparently — yea ! apparently) ; but most of folks (unlike Jonas — I mean the wood-sawyer not the whale-guzzler) seem to delight in trying to find out the about which all the while, either from " witches or sperits," newspapers or bottled rum. (I often have thought that the more a man he drinks " sum " rum, the more he imagines he can read his des- tiny, and maybe he can ; but witches, " sperits" or news- papers won't tell much, " I ween, " as to the about " sum " destin} r — of his own at least.) " Sum " folks supposing they know what " destiny " means or is, and that it controlleth them not, strike out for glory ! and fetch up as to their little body near a hole behind " sum " dilapitated saw-log, and in it are bidden " for a while to rest " by " sum " unweeping sycophant, — "make chase" for "sum" fame and get snubbed by 2io el There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends." " sum " pityless yaller dog, (the dog's darned bad luck to have such folks to snub) — strive after much pewter plate, fine carriage, many U. S. Bonds and counterfeit 10c. " plasters," and obtain an ill-grudged burial in an over- taxed county graveyard — seek for "great happiness," and find it don't grow well in this climate (or any other) ; and that even the parsons can't supply any large amount to even counterfeit bliss — seek for " excess of love," and get " sum " scoldings, at the mystic hour of 12 or " wee sma' hours beyant," from a vinegar-visaged wife, who is intend- ing to " set things right," — seek for much repose, and receive a constant awakening from the complaints of a famished (?) pup. History with its Alexander, who, after conquering (so-called) worlds, died in a drunken fit ; with its Shake- speare that from insignificant boyhood grew to an un- equalled fame ; with its cynical Byron, that, after penning thoughts that will burn in the minds of future genera- tions, died recklessly in an insignificant Turk fight ; with its George the 3d, who, for a petty tax on " sum" much used tea, was blinded as to judgment to the sufferings (?) of America, and to his own interest; with its Aaron Burr, who couldn't read the downfall of his purest dreams in his attempts to gratify his most ambitious — should teach the destiny-sneerer that he would be (for either good or evil) as a bubble, light as air, in combat- ing with the storm's brewed waves of destiny, a pigmy in the hands of "hoary time," and a mere atom that, as to weight in the scale of eternity's balances, might be scarcely even likened to the breath of an expiring pismire, when puffed against old boreas' mightiest blast — so little of naught is he. "There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends." 211 [" What is man that Thou art mindful of him, or the son of man that thou regardest him," is borne down un- to us on storm clouds from the supremely distant past. In answer, tho', the same voice from equidistant periods floats down upon us on summer zephyrs, bearing on its bosom, " not one hair of thy head canst thou turn white or black ! " but " the sparrow falleth not to the ground without My knowledge." Both of these sentiments were uttered at man's first horning. Whether it were destiny's voice that uttered them I know not, but I seem to think that " destiny " had something to do with it.] The " self-conceit gets knocked out of" some folks, and the " starch taken out'en " some folks' paper collars, be- fore they "shuffle the mortal coil" (they never shuffle their feet — at least not in company). Destiny to " them " folks is a slippery, yea, very' slip- pery saw-log. Some folks, imagining that their ends are already shaped, " sit down and take it easy," looking out so little for to-morrow, or to-day even, that a big head- ache, the bilious fever, the eating of a sour-apple, or the loss of a fortune are -borne with all the patience of a mud turtle in a thunder-squall, or the resignation of a full- beered Dutchman at a Sangerfest. They are patient be- cause they can't help it, or resigned because they are fully (selt-)satisfied. I have sometimes thought these folks were (or might be) tolerably happy ; but I never could work myself into that kind of saving belief. Destiny seemed to work through me as well as others, and I seemed (?) to be im- pelled forward to what I knew not, nor did I peradven- ture, nevertheless, hanker to know. 212 " There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends" " Other folks " care not for "destiny," and if the world were (to turn out) a fish-ball, they'd just bet that some " little bone " would somehow " stick out " for their especial tooth, or toe-hold, and if it didn't they wouldn't be apt to " worry at" it. This class don't seem to have energy enough to " get up a decent worry " at (or of) anything — they may make good fish-yer-men,* but they can't run an (y)awl-boat. (1 have once in a while imagined I'd like to be of this class, but when- 1 "come to study," about how some little Simpkins might get cat(ch)-fish hungry, before any fish were catched, I've seemed to think I wouldn't.) Some men of mortal nature keep trying to " push along," " keep moving ". like, But rough hew the saw-logs as they will, They'd find they need some planing still ; And should they plane them e'er so nice. They'd fiud they need some planing twice. (I've seemed to find the above out by slicing saw-logs into kindling wood — much consolation (?) was the knowledge tho.') "Sum" folks have been "born under a lucky star" (according to " sum " men) and had "luck all their lives," but I've sometimes noticed that the luck of that lucky class often ended in a sumwhat un- comfortable sleep in a badly made-up hog wallow (and what's done once may happen again, for "there's noth- ing new under the sun" — you "mark if it don't"). " Sum " persons have a guardian angel (so it is said), but if so, what kind of " wabble " their walk would be without it I am afraid to think (especially when you * Fishermen, I suppose. — (Ed.) " There's a Destiiiy that Shapes our Ends"'' 2 1 3 recollect the usual " walks " of life in country, town, or city), for I've seemed to " observe" that they (or theys pathways — or both) circum-meander* quite crookedly even now. I have supposed this poor gait (or gate) could be accounted for upon the premises (if some bad boys hadn't " gone and played " April — July— or August fool with it) that their guardian angel having so much on his hands, in the caring for them, that it is compelled to take some little sleep, and leave them to their poor " dig-rations," and " false dock-tryings," (as " sum " preachers call " digressions and false-doctrines "). From the first of Jonas Simpkins' life he has been an enigma, a puzzle, to his best friends — for if other boys liked much candy he didn't, if o-t-h-er b-o-ys liked much apples he didn't, but if other boys didn't like much mashed potatoes he did. When a "wee" infant he was expected to die — and yet he perversely lived, and at two years of age his father, who had, perhaps, no idea of an early decease, died ; at 4 years of age, he fell off of " sum " plank fence and hurt himself (." not a strange thing for boys to do "), and 'twas expected he'd be a cripple, but he walks tolerably erect even at an ad- vanced age ; at 6 years of his age he was a fine reader, and 'twas expected that he'd be a " scholar," but of late years the symptoms of " advanced scholarship " ain't very alarming; at 12, Latin was at his "fingers' ends," and he was pointed to as a " classic," but at the present writing he hasn't more than enough on hand to stock the heads of some \ doz. town librarians ; at 15 he was suggested as an example of a very ordinary 'fool, and it * Ob ! Jonas, don't! — " you are too hard on me." I am going to quit, Jonas — or quit Jonas. — (Ed.) 214 " There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends. was about the only tiling, that's continued partly cor- rect up to this time of life, of all the many and varied remarks of his many friends ; at 20 he was energetic, en- terprising, and upright, according to his most intimate acquaintances, but now if he are so, none (or but few) •are anxious to either secure such qualities in their busi- ness or even reward by silent approval — but " let em rip," I am not friendless, and with a yet strong right arm and some little pluck I may (with the aid of those "friends" I do have) get along "just the same." So all thro' his life he has sadly, or gladly, disappointed his " many friends," and sometimes himself even more than any of them. It hath been the experience of Jonas that those things he would have ventured the most nickels on he has been the most egregiously fooled in — e'en from "youth to hoary age." Betters — which are many in America — seem to be " eager to stake something " on every subject, from the color of a chameleon to that of lady's eyes, from the size of the sun to that of a girl's foot, from the vote of a ward politician to that of a President, from the number of eggs in a pullet's nest to the number of years the earth shall continue to whirl. They ought to be very careful to recollect that altho' nature does her jobs well, so well that I can't but invol- untarily take oft' my hat when passing a little awkward "cabbage leaf," yet she never goes about informing peo- ple as to what especial kind of job she is going to get up ; and that, altho' destiny may appear to be like unto a singed cat, yet it never fails to catch its mice, regularly, constantly and persistently. Therefore I'd say, as you " know not what to-morrow will bring forth," beware of much betting of " stray pen- " There's a Destiny that Shapes our Ends." 2 1 5 nies." A friend says: "If I have ever ventured any- thing on the soundness of " sum " apple, peach, or pear, and made a grab with a hungry tooth, it were sure to turn out wormy, and the tooth strike some unnattoral softness there ; if ever " I went a few " on the undoubted piety of a man, that talked a great deal of the time he gave to the Church and to prayer, I was sure to find some rotten action lying around loose to be stumbled over in the dark ; if ever I strove to convince (?) a doubting friend of the unmistakable honesty of an unequivocable Blowhard, said doubter were soon sure to find Meester Blowhard trying to sell "sum" non-bustable, easy quen- chable patent " ile " that (" the mere dealing in would secure a person a free seat in heaven," Blow said — and maybe it would) generally " scattered things " as soon as lit ; if ever I averred that a passing " damsel " was un- doubtedly an adornment to her sex, and the " glory of the town," it were sure to " turn up/' that " her rig " were mostly " shop-work," and her complexion " cheap paint ; " if I ever declared (?) my opinion to be that •' yon " luscious youth was " full of brains," it were sure to be proved that all his brains (if he had any) were in his "fatty" legs, and rounded — (I don't recollect the word but it's the part he sits on when reading a " dime novel ") ; if I ever asseverated (?) that " sum" men (?) weren't " hogs," nor " wolves," nor " foxes," nor " asses," it was apt to be proven that they only had their " tales " hid ■in their coat skirts, or up their back, and their ears under their beavers." " Thus he once spake." He ceaseth to bet any more now. " Peace to his memory." As I want to be worthy of such a friend, I don't think but what I shall cease to bet any more Copper Jacks on any- 2i6 " There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends? thing (but my pipe or wood saw) again ; for if I did, I should unreservedly, deliberately, and " without mental reservation," expect — to lose it. Hadn't I 'ort to ? Whenever Jonas Simpkins gets in the notion of bet- ting on something again, he's going (before it gets to be a big notion) to wend his way silently, but determinedly to "sum" "huckster-shop" and trade with " Mrs. Mol- loy " for "sum" candies and peanuts to "tickle" some young Simpkinses with, as they want something of that kind worse than " their dad " wants much reputation as a better, and their wants (for such stuff) an't eager " nuth- er." " Our destiny " is, to most of folks, a mighty "onsar- tin" thing; and I've seemed to notice that those who strive mostly to gather hold of the " latter end " get slung into — a direction they didn't desire Jo travel in muchly. Once, when I were too young to "toddle" and too old to " crow," that interesting age that parents are wont to descant on. as to their youthful (?) progeny, it was said by some admirers of my deceased paternal parent (I speak reverently) that I were " marked out for a preach- er ; " but, except " sum " boyish sermons delivered from the top (or on the bottom) of some hickory-bottomed chair, I don't know that I have ever as yet fulfilled my destiny as " marked out " by that man. As I aint quite dead yet, tho', I may take to lecturing from the top of a well worn saw-horse. I am not one of those, "it must be distinctly understood " that's going around trying to convince people what I imagine, or hope my future in this or any other world is destined to be. If I succeed in getting plenty of wood to saw, at good " There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends" 2 1 7 prices — plenty of food to eat (for Sally Jane, our pro- geny, or myself), in fair slices — a sufficiency of custom- ary apparel (if fig-leaves be in fashion, and hence "should be the go," I care not) to kiver with — I am inclined to believe that I'll be willing to shake hands with destiny, " call it even " like, and " drink to the health " of its long reign. Provided (also) no people try to injure me, my wife, my children, or my wife's children (all the same chil- dren), my neighbors, my friends, acquaintances, or poor relations. I shall expect also to try and Let little preachers watch their flocks, And merchants mind their little, stocks, Let students mind their little hooks, And little fishers watch their hooks, hoping, thereby, that it may be " our destiny " to obtain " sum " small slice of happiness yet. But, if " no people " act differently, look out for " thun- der-squalls," you hear. P. S. — " Sum'n " says, " there's some reason for every- thing " and altho ' I don't wholly accept his sayings (or anybody else's " so-called " sayings) for " gospel," yet I seem, partly, willing to believe there may be " sum " truth in some of which (and only part-lie). Hence, when I say that, in the pursuit of " sum " des- tiny t 'l have been the recipient of some very stout hack- handed licks, it may not seem very strange that, "for one," I don't run fast after some destiny, nor so eagerly as might (by " sum " persons) appear to be necessary. I ain't going to run from it tho ', you bet, but intend to " stand square " and " face it," with nose to the front and 2 1 8 " There's a Destiny that Shapes our Ends." hand in my pocket ; for one won't make much, either in a race or fight with destiny. That running or fight- ing would be about as pleasantly successful as fish- ing for minners in the dark of the moon, and the stars gone down, with some piece of clothes-line tied on- to a little stick with no hook on it, while fighting " skeeters." JN". B. — Thunder-bolts ain't no more the " tools of destiny" than a "flea in the ear" are. In fact I have often thought that A little flea, tho ' small he be, Could in an ear more " rumpus make " Than a world might fear from mightiest " quake." "Fleas in the ear" often set nations to "pulling the ears " of other nations (and of other nations' " barley " also). Small things, in small places, can make much more noise than much larger things in still larger places can. " Small " men, like Whiffles, are better known in their "small " town than " large " men, like Newton, through- out the universe. Cannon may not arouse a man out of sound sleep, but a mosquito may. Several children, with rattle-boxes and tinpans, may not wake a sleeping infant, but a fly may. I have seemed to notice that I was " inclined to the belief," that destiny is like a watchful parent, who has placed his infant child on the grass to play, when perceiving that the child has delightedly seized some spires of grass to chew on, " takes them spires away" to "keep it from choking itself;" or like (as Henry Ward Beecher has it) a " cat that finding its kittens in danger, from prowling boys or winter rain, " There s a Destiny that Shapes our Ends? 219 seizes them one at a time, between its teeth roughly, and takes them to a place of safety and security." Destiny is the kindest when we abuse it most, and that which may have seemed to some person " very hard " (viz., the loss of wood-sawing jobs), may have given the world another book (for its children to tear up) and much enjoyment and profit (to the publishers). Who knows ? Not Jonas — not yet ; and if not Jonas, who do ? t^lT Because destiny don't seek an introduction to, or claim the patronage flowing from the coffers of the rich, or even seek to mingle with the poor (at all times), it is no reason (as a wood-sawyer looks at it) that the weakly should sneer or slander (at) it. Destiny undoubtedly don't care, but " it looks so small." H^lr" I have sometimes imagined (?) that a person would be about as sure to escape his destiny, as he would be correct in supposing himself safe — in the time of much war — at a point where much bombshells " was busting," by hiding his head in a soap-grease barrel, or his body behind a cloth tent. " Sum folks " seem to imagine that because they can't see destiny " it ain't nowhar around." Their little obituary afterwards proves the contrary. "CONTENTMENT IS WEALTH." (?) This may be so with " sum folks," but contentment " ain't been fruitful " as to that branch of the Simpkins family from which sprang " Yours Serenely," " The Wood-sawyer," either by its quantity or quality, in satis- fying the hungry claims of a generous grocer. A butcher was my quondam creditor for some stale meat, to the amount of " sum " nickels. He eagerly be- sought me for some money, saying, " Your account needs balancing, sir ! " I knew (?) that as well as he did, but with what to balance it I knew not ; for it seemed to me to be all a " one-sided," lob-sided " affair." But I con- cluded, as I had heard that " contentment was wealth," I'd offer him just enough contentment (wealth) to " balance that thing and be done with it." I did so, accordingly, but " he thanked me," " that warn't the kind of coin he had to pay the stock men off with." (Now, you see, I didn't have any mrymxich contentment of my own left on hand, as my life as a laborer had drained pretty near all out of the " cougher ; "* but I supposed, as so many were going around "preaching " its value, that there was a plenty (somewhere) to borrow — as when things are scarce everybody don't try to " rush * Jonas must mean coffer, but /don't know. — (Ed.) " Contentment is Wealth" 221 them off" much). I told liira that I had heard that they took it in some retail " glass houses " — or, at least, they tried to " pay off in that kind of coin." He said : " I tried to buy some glass jars of the house you mentioned, but the price they charged was ' very big,' and they didn't want anything but the coin for them n-e-i-th-er, and as nobody else will take it, I'll be butchered if I do." I bade him good-bye, hurriedly, telling him I'd call again when I had some of his kind of coin, but at present I was lacking in that hind of wealth. (Why " sum " folks want to circulate a coin that " don't pass current " among themselves, I know not ; hut I do seem to have begun to diskiver that there are some that don't consider some contentment much wealth.) I've seemed to have noticed that there are a certain class .of contentment- mongers, who blow about its great advantages as a cir- culating medium, who are " monstrous apt " to receipt for nothing — as a thing of value — without it are in the shape of merchandise, or " its equivalent." Mental or moral qualifications wouldn't go any farther with them, as a means of favor, than fried oysters would with an in- land African. (They know not of the value of them, and hence can't appreciate them.) I dreamt once a dream, " that were not all a dream." I thought that it were in " sum " low-lie city, of " sum thousands " population, that Jonas Simpkins, and his numerous and interesting family, had taken their abode ; that, after much more display of hard work (both of brain and muscle) than fine-answer-ing,* he had secured a * Another spout from Jonas. I suppose he means financiering. — (Ed.) 222 " Contentment is Wealth ." lowly cot in the suburbs, called, in the adjoining city (?), Egyptian (tho' wherefore called so, the dream didn't say, and hence I have only to suppose that that portion of town was an unknown region from which was to come a Pharaoh to chastise " them " city-sins*) ; that a continua- tion (at work) for years bringing me nearer the grave than to wealth, I had to cease my labors ; that my hard work was no more appreciated than would have been the smile of a boa-constrictor ; that every one wondered at my cessation from labor, and imagined that with such kind (?) men I ought surely to have been contented ; that every one " observed " that a " man that couldn't get along comfortably on the salary " /received (or " couldn't see that it was wealth enough for anybody "), " ought to be drummed out of the vicinity ; " that all were willing to decry me as a fool (yes, I might say, as they, " as fools," decry those they have never seen) ; that every one preached that " contentment is wealth." I yet lived in that town, sure ! [After that dream I awoke with the desire to be pos- sessed of " lots " of contentment (yea ! more than to have " lots " of real estate, in that town at least), or to be able to depart in peace ; for with that kind of feeling, as fore- shadowed in the dream, I didn't know but what some careless fellow, instigated by a malicious "veteran," might steal my brass buttons " off'n " a worn-out coat, to make into nnger-rings for " his oabiesP I didn't hate anybody, tho', nor was I "friendless," but I didn't hanker after any love from, nor did my old pea-jacket swell with any emotions of love for those from whom I * Did you mean citizens ? Answer, please. — {Ed.) " Contentment is Wealth" ~~i should have to ask for " wood-sawing." " That's all about it," 1 tell yer.'] But as to others : I have seen some children that seemed to be contented with a tin penny-whistle or a rag baby, and others that couldn't be satisfied with a $50 rocking-horse, with steam attachments, or a $25 doll, which sang " Nelly Ely " (these toys, etc., are some Simpkins' inventions). I have observed some youths that seemed contented with a " rough sled," made of some old plank, and others that didn't even seem pleased with a "two-horse-cutter," with horses and bells attached. I have seemed to notice some men that seemed content with the profits of a well-regu- lated pea-nut stand, and others that worried for the imagined income of an Astor. Some aged persons seem contented with a clay pipe, a virtuous life, a " well-settled " offspring, and mashed po- tatoes (trusting for better things hereafter—?/ there are any); and others, with imported cigars, a trumpeted fame, "sum" endowed grandchildren, and plum-pudding that can't but "grunt all the time," (imagining that there is nothing good that they haven't— hence " very hopeless of better times"). Now, altho' I am not one of those that can stand still and be booted, hooted, and sneered at— and be contented and forget it— yet I try " to not worry over the present," trusting, as I have not seemed to be over fortunate, that there may be something " good for me yet in store." (Anyhow " I ain't grunty," for I ain't " friendless.") I don't believe that contentment consists in being patient, any more than happiness consists in "gulping down " cabbage and green corn. A man may be (or not be) tolerably contented and yet 224 " Contentment is Wealth." not be willing to turn boot black for a petty trader in " goobers, " or to give brain and muscle to " sum ' wealthy trader in calico and delaines, for a few shillings per year. If contentment is best proven by selling one's self " for a song," I have some Mends who say that they "ain't around" proving themselves possessed of any (so- called) contentment. (They don't want to hear "no such music " neither.) They say that, " a man that would call patience con- tentment — or blind folly contentment — or sycophancy contentment — would argue that if a person said yes and it were called yes-say, if he said es, it should be styled essay." (They — these contentmentists, so-called — would trade themselves off for a mosquito bar to cover some forlorn, a-stray jackass with, — if they could.) Of all the many "peebles" I have ever known, or heard the names of, I can't (positively) point to but very " phew " that were at all contented, and only " sum phew" that ever seemed to be.. If contentment be wealth I am afraid that A. T. Stewart will have to be sent to the poor-house — and if Stewart goes there, " whar in thunder " will his imita- tors then go. Dogs don't fight " contentedly " over no bones. P.S. — Sally Jane, who has been " some " on content- ment (real contentment,) has at last found out that it can't be exchanged for cotton cloth for self, or shoes for the baby — and that the government don't encourage the " growth " of it, by offering to exchange 3c. postage stamps (" to write long lost friends" (?) with.) for it. " Contentment is Wealth? 225 N.B. — It is hoped that the reader will be contented (to quit ?) when he reads through this little volume — or that if he don't the publisher may be contented with the proceeds of it. Jonas Simpkins ain't ; but (as he would " cordially " advise them) he is trying to be patient, if for no other reason, " to see his money (wealth) back." MOTTOES FOR LABOR (listen to simpkins !) 1st. Combination is strength (or may be) — hence " stick to each other," but don't sacrifice individuality. 2d. Honesty is (a) strengthener ; hence cheat no man out of time or money. 3d. Time saved is life gained; hence strive for short (8 h'r) work, and apply the extra time to recreation or useful work at home. 4th. System is the (proper) art of conducting a true business / hence try and learn it. 5th. Thought is the master of the world; therefore practice thinking. 6th. Diffusion of (true) knowledge is the chief end of man (or should be) ; therefore buy good books (and papers), think over them, fathom their thoughts as expressed (cull the bad from the good), and tell them to the world (or any part of it) in the best style you can. 7th. Practice produces perfectness (in anything that you are adapted to) ; hence " try, try again ; " but not at " scrubbing floors by imagination " alone, or in " handling a weeding-hoe with a tooth-pick." 8th. Truth will conquer sooner or later / hence never try to keep up appearances by lying or deceiv- Mottoes for Labor. 227 9th. Order secures property; hence encourage no dis- order or riot. 10th. Morality is the foundation of health; hence seek no immoral company ; encourage no intemperance in eating, drinking, or idleness. 11th. Becreation is man's muscle and brain doctor; hence encourage reasonable rest in wife, children, or friends. 12th. Economy is the poor man's banker, the storehouse from which in sickness or misfortune he can draw his supplies ; therefore be saving (but while you save some don't let your " heart be hardened " to forget your family's needs). 13th. Generosity is a poor man's expense account — and don't fail to be generous (as to your ability) to your suffering brother-man; for, like unto a banker's expense account, it brings in double for all that's SPENT. 14th. Politeness is a poor man's pass-word— let him never forget it. 15th. Veracity is a poor man's " note of hand ; " hence never make promises that you can't fulfill, or if unfulfilled " show (and give instant) good reason why " (or why not). 16th. Labor is respectable, and poverty is only a mis- fortune ; hence " never be ashamed of it " {in thy- self or OTnERs). 17th. Candor is a wise man'spride ; hence (if asked for) be free to utter thy honest opinions before all (but de- cently) and never have any dishonest ones to utter. 18th. Health is a poor man's capital ; hence never waste its blessings in frivolity. 228 Mottoes for Labor. 19th. Gratitude is a poor man's hank check / hence . never dishonor it, nor let it go to protest. 20th. Industry is the mother of usefulness ; hence always be doing something (" but divide equally ") either in reading, sleeping, or working, (for "work " is not the only way of being industrious, as I have seemed (?) to have known men that were industrious for good while "loafers" imagined them "lazying "). 21st. Frankness is akin to truthfulness ; hence ac- knowledge the acquaintance of none that you fail to find frankness in : and they can (generally) be told by hand-grip more than by mouth-" spat." 22d. "Necessity is the mother of invention" (some say) — if so, it are the best when " passed " as worthy by truth's foreman, and the putting in time at such work is " good for man," (but never " invent a lie "). 23d. Charity (a poor widow's " mite") is the poor man's friend ; hence cultivate it (or try). 24th. Cleanliness is a wise man's conceit — and I am as happy when I get on a clean shirt as a generous man is when he gives a beggar a quarter instead of a cent, or a politician when he gets a tat office. TO "CLOSE UP"- a PKO TEM," SINE DIE, SO-CALLED. Ajoo ! little book. May your voyage be gentle and swift, and may you, as Zach used to say, " nave much * easy passage.'' " The dull brains and empty stomachs of (some of) your readers will undoubtedly prevent them from under- standing or appreciating anything of good there may be in you, but we "won't care" little book, if they pay for you when bought, or be a little careful as to how they throw you around loose after you " come into their fin- gers." You have had no friend to help you, but you are not "friendless." Your "haw-ther" had to "fight it out on his own line." It took " all summer." May you do good or " bust." Tour friend, JONAS SIMPKINS. Err-a-tar. — As to the many undoubted errors (in this little book) in punctuation, abbreviation, annotation, reiteration, discrimination, illustration, or digression — if you think you know about (what he means) better than the " haw-ther " does — just correct to suit yourself. The editor may try but will undoubtedly fail. But as for spelling I'd leave it alone as " too big a job " and "plen- ty good for the money." N. B. — " Sum " folks admire spelling correctly more than they do praying correctly (and they are not, gene- rally, good at either). 230 To Close Up. As to reiteration, the " haw-ther " intended a good deal of that, as he believed it would be more life-like. As to digressions I have often seemed to notice men who would begin to talk on " war" (with a wood-saw) and " close up " on a dog fight — interlarding the converse with re- ligion and politics and a sketch of their own downfall — and the subject they started on warn't the one best de- claimed on either. " So it is " or so it is " Show up the errors if you can" " But don't attempt to kill a man " Whose name is JONAS SIMPKINS. P. S. — I ain't as good on reiteration and digression as some folks ; for I have noticed " sum " preachers who could " beat me and give me 2 in the game " — reitera- ting more in half an hour than I can in a week. — (J. S.) THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Santa Barbara THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW. Series 9482