r ' tfiCTo, -*^ Jufy 12 i,':,, FUNGUSIANA; OK THE OPINIONS, AND TABLE TALK, OF THE LATE BARNABY FUNGUS, ESQ. TO WHICH ARE PREFIXED SOME BIOGRAPHICAL NOTICES, RESPECTING THE TRUE ORIGIN OF THAT GENTLEMAN. THE WHOLE PROVING, BEYOND ALL DOUBT, THAT FROM THIS SURPRISING GENIUS WERE DERIVED MOST OF THE PREVAILING HABITS, SENTIMENTS, AND REFINEMENTS, OF MODERN TIMES. Tanquam in speculum. LONDON: PRINTED FOR J. CARPENTER, OLD BOND STREET: ISOf). Harding and Wright Primers, St. John's-Sqture, London . PREFACE. THERE is something so peculiar in every thing, which concerns a man of extraordinary talents, that the public should always be in- formed of his domestic habits, his every-day thoughts, and those delicate shades of cha- racter, which distinguish him from the com- mon herd of mankind. Impressed with the justice of this remark, many biographers have accordingly with the most laudable ac- curacy entered fully into all these interesting IV PREFACE. trifles. They have not been contented to pourtray only the great feaiafles of the mind ; but they have exhibited the body likewise in the various and important attitudes of walking, sitting, standing, running, leaning, shaving, and others of equal consequence. They have numbered the hairs on a mole in the face, and have carefully explained for the benefit of posterity, why they were induced to bear on their coats more buttons, than but- ton-holes. This salutary example we have followed in the present work, as far as our own know- ledge, and a proper sense of public utility, would justify us, leaving it to the reader U> PREFACE. T gtean all possible instruction from our nar- rative, as we aim at nothing but his delight, and edification. But this is not all. It -will be found, that in the opinions of Mr. Fungus, here first intro duced to the public, we have exhibited a fund of wisdom and observation peculiar to that gentleman, which must ever leave the reader improved in knowledge, or in goodness. The ordinary track of shallow reasoners was his decided aversion ; and with a wonderful co- ruscation, as it were, of genius, he beamed upon every topic a new' and brilliant efful- gence. But a panegyric on abilities so uni- rersally acknowledged must be useless and VI PREFACE. impertinent. Under a full conviction, that they will be appreciated to their full value, by the wise, and virtuous, we consign our labours to the judgement of a discriminating public. DEDICATION TIINQ, */ 0ANATQ. MIGHTY POTENTATES, Your extensive influence over the modern world of literature, no less than over the events of private life, has induced me to lay at your feet the following fragments of human celebrity. The subject of this bio- graphy, though jealous of your great power, had by a presentiment, that sometimes attends extraordinary genius, often considered your rill DEDICATION. ultimate patronage of his compositions, pro- jects, and opinions, as far from improbable. To us, who can have no demands upon pos- terity, and whose claims upon the living can be only those of good intentions, and fidelity, nothing appears more certain, than your fu- ture appropriation of our labours. To you, therefore, we beg leave to consign their future fates, humbly requesting,. that whenever they may be deposited; in your crouded archives, they may occupy a part of those dark re- cesses, allotted to the myriads of fruitless at- tempts to eradicate the follies of mankind. FUNGUSIANA. BIOGRAPHICAL NOTICES RESPECTING THE XttUE ORIGIN OF BARNABY FUNGUS, Esq. FUNGUSIANA. BIOGRAPHICAL NOTICES, &c. CHAP. I. AMONG the many arguments offered on both sides of the question, I find no specific rea- son, why a biographer may not begin the narrative of any man's life from the father, with as much conscientiousness and credit, as from the grandfather, of his hero. Ho- race ; indeed, docs carry us back tothcgreat- B 2 4 FUNGUSIANA. great-grandfathers of Maecenas, and com- pletely overlooks the subsequent line of ar, and proavi; but, not to mention the liber- ties of the Lyric Muse, it must be remem- bered, that he gives the best reason for it in the world, namely, because the atari were kings. Now, as Mr. Fungus, in all the re- cords, deeds, documents, pedigrees, parch- ments, church-yards, and family manu- scripts, which we have been able to consult, does not appear to have had any approach to royalty in the long list of his forefathers, but to have been descended from a race of plain, homespun, brewing-and-baking an- cestors, we conceive ourselves amply justi- fied in not dating our history from the days of the giants, but in beginning with a sketch of hi* father, Mr. Philip Fungus, leaving FChGlSlANA. ' O the former and ancient part of hi* pedigree to men of good memories, weak heads, and a profusion of leisure. It is of notable service in poetry, we are told, not to take too long a retrospect, not to begin the Trojan war from the double egg ; and it will be for eyer a sub- ject of regret, that many authors, transgres* ging this precept, have led the reader, with all his milk of human kindness about him, into a genealogy of pedlars and shoe-blacks, from which we pray to be delivered, It is agreed on all sides, that no man tells a story better than /Elian, There is to muctr simplicity, such an attention, to particulars, and so little reserve about him, that, in con- junction with the commentators^ one ima- gines the man believes all be says^ This is in truth no small object gained ; and I, for my own part, have the greatest respect possible for such men. I feel greater pleasure in making thcsemy sentiments known, from my desire of exciting the same partiality in .this respect throughout the whole of this work, and from the proneness of mankind to undervalue rare abilities. As if the world were not as much indebted to the ever-to-be-remembercd and never-to-be-forgotlen author of the achievements of our illustrious giant-killer, as to the Smyrnrcan, Salaminian, Rhodianj Chian, Argian, Athenian, Colophonian his- torian of the Trojan war : excepting always, that in the latter we see more clearly, in a moral point of view, the great folly and ill effects of putting oneself in a passlon.-*- zElian was a rhetorician, and marvellously fond of an embellished narraiion. lie as- FUNGUSIANA. 7 sures us, u that although many of the Athe- nians died, and the rest were all dying of an epidemic distemper, Socrates alone remain- ed as well as ever he was in his life." This is truly astonishing, and might have been dis- credited in any other author. But Aristotle and Cicero had remarked, that a man with a good character may say what he pleases. Every one therefore believes /Elian, and alt those who have written like him, down to the present day. But we wish to draw the reader's attention to the sagacious and philo- sophical observation, which attends the above account. " What a wonderful mind,'* lie exclaims, " must we not suppose to have existed in a man, who had such a wonderful body ! Il was precisely so with Mr. Philip -Fun- 8 ITNGUSIAXA. gus. No man had a stronger body, no man had a more vigorous mind. The former, it is true, had been well trained and exercised in eating, drinking, fasting, sleeping, watch- ing, fighting, climbing, bruising, pulling, Jialing, flinging, &c. &c. ad infinitum. While at school, he took peculiar delight in leap-frog, and the Grecian pastime of hop- step-and-jump, which, if it wasnotone of the pentathla, at least conferred a splendid epi- thet on the hero of the Iliad. Nothing can be more proper, than to let posterity know that a great man can jump well. Tripping barbers, running attorneys and apothecaries, bakers with baskets, nay decrepid old women have forgotten every other concern, to w it- ness, on a ' sunshine holiday,' the agility and surprizing energy of his clashing bottom FUNGUSIAX A. in ihe refined amusement of hammer-chisel- and-block. May it never be forgotten, but flourish like the games of old, for the sake of him, who so much excelled in it ! Nothing, however, contributed so much to perpetuate his memory at the school in which he was educated, as a singular prac- tice that he established, and which the boys call to this day giving a Philippic" but which he denominated " the test of talent." It was as follows. Whenever any doubts were entertained of a boy's abilities, particu- larly at his first entering the school, he select- ed from among his own juniors in age and inferiors in strength, another boy of known genius or stupidity ; and placing his back in close contact with that of the novice in dis- pute, he bound them fast with a handkec- 10 1TNGU91ANA. chief in that position. "When this \YAS effec- tually accomplished he knocked their two skulls frequently one against the other, as violently as their materials would veil per- mit; and then, with uncommon penetration, pronounced a favourable or damnatory judg- ment, ' prout sonuit cahariaj i. e. accor- ding to the SDUIH! eTYiitte;!, deciding always in favour of the thickest. Such was the criterion: and it was the observation of his schoolmaster, who was a perfect Orbilitis, and immediately adopted it, that he never saw in any boj- a more palpable instance of early genius, and a:i original turn of think- ing. If my bookseller (to whom the great Barnaby Fungus always recommended an appeal in these caves,) shoiiM think it r.o i'.n- pcdimcnt to the c -tc::siv.' a'e -oflliis wjwk, FUXQUSTANA. 11 \vc shall at some future period publish a separate volume upon this singular inven- tion, illustrated -with plates, and demon- strate to the best of our humble abilities, how advantageously this practice might be ap- plied to the selection of excellent professional skulls, antl more especially in the appoint- ment of proper ministers to preside in the honourable councils. of our lord the king ; solemnly promising however beforehand to make no previous experiments ou the heads of gentlemen high in office, nor to receive any assistance, hint, suggestion,, or insinua- tion from Dr. Gall, or any other crauiologist whatever. The pleasant diversion, called ' filliping ' (which should be Avrittcn Philip hrg) took ils origin, and name from 'Mr. Philip Fungus, It FUSGUSIASA. whosesupcrior length and strength of nail en- abled him at school to scarify and lay bare the fiandsofany, that contended with him. But we should do little justice to the memory of this gentleman, were we to omit in this place, to mention other instances of his physical powers, more illustrative of the position of the pro* found yEHan . Such indeed w as the versa- tility of his faculties, that we may safely affirm, none ever exceeded him in the whole round of juvenile accomplishments ; if we. except the single, yet delectable amusement *irwg-JaK~ Let not this exposition, how- ever,, be deemed tedious, or impertinent, or unintelligible. Those who know any thing of modern biography, wilt perceive that we act not without a precedent. Many, through ignorance we hope, have presumed to aver FUHGUS1ANA. 13 that his. deficiency in this single respect, was owing to an awkward conformation of his thumb. But from our own personal know- ledge, we can undertake to assert, that HO man cvor had a more vigorous, perfect, hale^ pliant, healthy thumb, than Mr. Fungus : and we wish earnestly to substitute another and a better solution of this difficulty. His want of skill in this particular instance, must, ia justice to his memory, bo attributed to that manly ambition, which led him to despise a diversion, that gave no scope to the display of his extraordinary energies. To prove this, we have only to contemplate him in the ot of throwing the quoit, of bowHng, or ia his favourite recreation of back sword. With this instrument, though of a diameter not xceeding an inchj he has been known to J4 FUXGUSIANA* lay open half a dozen of the toughest, and most impenetrable scalps within twenty miles of the Cotswold hills ; and all this, be- fore he had drunk a drop, or eaten a morsel. In boxing, likewise, it is well known, that he acquired the most extensive patronage of princes and nobles. Such were his bodily perfections, which to a candid and unbiassed mind, must evince the absurdity, ignorance, or malevolence, of those, who would endea- vour to fix an eternal stigma on his thumb, by ascribing to it a degree of impotence, and wantofjust conformation. They will, at the siime time, sufficiently account for the strength of intellect so eminently possessed by his son, which the reader will presently ob- serve pervading the whole mass of his opini* oiis, now for the firit lime laid before the public; FUNGUSIA>A. 15 Many persons of severe philosophy, who are not yet perfectly acquainted with the abovementioned connexion between bodj r and mind, may conceive that this chapter would be better suited to the biography of such men as Humphries, Mendoza, Gulley OT Cregson. But to satisfy those persons, who would thus entertain an opinion so much to our preju- dice, we need only refer them to the liberal advocates of pugilism. Let them ask, why these exhibit so much zeal and munificence iu the encouragement of an art, which has been said to disgrace our nature ; and what can induce its exalted patrons to strain every nerve in promoting it through our Island by their presence, their approbation, and gene- rous contributions ? Any well-informed no- bleman, or gentleman of talents, affluence, and 16 JC.NGUSIAXA. leisure, could explain it in few words. "Sir," (he would say,) " it cannot have escaped jour attention, observant as you are of every tiling, which is passing on the wide theatre of the universe, how great are the advantages that have accrued to mankind from the late practice of training and exhibiting prize-cat- tle, by the wonderful improvement in fat, and flavour, of every joint of our domestic ani- mals, the ox, the cow,, the calf, the sheep, and the lamb, from the noble baron of beef, down to the less distinguished scrag of mut- ton. Such are found to be the beneficial ef- fects of care upon the animal frame. For the period is not far distant, when these ser- viceable creatures, were in a state of advan- cing decline, and degeneracy; nor indeed,. ever bccnknonn to reach that point, FUNGUSIANA. 17 of improvement, of which their natures have since been found capable. Now it is pre- cisely on this principle, that I so strenuously support the custom of boxing, at length for- tunately become prevalent in this country. You cannot be ignorant, that we race our korses, fight our cocks, and train our, dogs in baiting bulls and badgers, for the improve- ment of their strength and spirit ; so likewise, you will perceive, that the greatest blessing to the human species may be expected from the revived mysteries of the pugilistic art : for we have, of late years, witnessed not only a degeneracy in their physical powers, but likewise a decline of intellectual faculties consequent upon the former, observable no less in loons and lackies, than in lords and ladies, all of them in their generation, becoia- c 18 irig fcvJetyd&y more frail, attd feeble, and less like the race of their fore-fathers. If you ask, how the succeeding age can be influenced by the physical and mental energies of obscure and menial individuals, it must shew a great want of observation on the present state of so- ciety, and the partiality of the higher classes of the other sex towards persons of this de- scription . This is the channel, by which the population of the country will be finally im- proved ; and instead of the emaciated, knock- kneed, hare-brained, effeminate, half-saved, starveling progeny, which you now see dancing between earth and heaten, you may expect a posterity, if not of Gogs, and Ma- gogs, at least of Chickens, and Gutties" Nothing can be more satisfactory, than the *hote of this reasoning: though we leave it PUNOU3IANA. 19 to you, benevolent reader, whose judgement is, in our opinion, paramount in every point, which can admit of dispute, as well from the depth of penetration possessed by you, as from the maturity of your experience, to ap- prove to the world this our justification ; and to use in the perusal of this work those noble faculties, with which heaven has so signally enriched your existence, in drawing such moral and religious inferences, as it has been our endeavour to place in those striking po- sitions, where they may present themselves quite readily to all, but the irretrievably stupid, vulgar. C 9 20 FUNGUSIANA. CHAP. II. FROM what has been said in the prece- ding chapter, the reader has collected many important points of information, respecting Mr. .Philip Fungus, hitherto little known; namely, that he was at school, that he could not play at ringJazx), and that he had played back-sword on the Cotswold hills. But these circumstances, although of the greatest conse- quence for scholiasts and commentators, or, as the French term it, "pour servir a THistoire," Trill, we fear,, not be thought by our female FUNGUSIANA. SI readers, sufficiently explicit for their habits of minute investigation . We shall therefore, in compliment to them, disclose in the present chapter, a number of other interesting parti- culars respecting this gentleman, and that ascendant star in every man's destiny, his wife. Mrs. P. Fungus was of respectable family, and connections, tall, strong-featured, of a cadaverous complexion, with a full and com- plete cast in one of her eyes, and somewhat addicted to snuff. She had received her edu- cation at a nunnery in Lower Brittany, had been jilted in herjirst love, as it is called, and had taken a term of three years for deli- beration, before she committed matrimony with Mr. Fungus. As this may appear strange, and as all our readers will agree, that f2 FUNGUSIANA, it should not be held up for a precedent, we shall endeavour to account for it in the most satisfactory manner, that we are able. This was no less than the following illna- tured report, which was industriously spread at the commencement of their courtship, We do not by this mean to say, that it was false, but that neighbours might have shut their mouths, till a better opportunity for such an account. It was said, that Mr. P. Fungus was one of those accidental pails of the creation, which the ancients in the time of Leda, Semele, and Antiope, dignified with the name of ' Sons of Jupiter.' Now this was unquestionably true ; but for the sake of his memory, and because we have before spo- ken of a long line of his ancestors, we do here assure the reader, that his father, who died FUNGUSIANA. 23 soon after his birth, was a man of property, and, as far as regarded his circumstances, not at all inferior to the parent of Mrs. Fungus. He died in a fit of apoplexy, and, as is cus- tomary in such cases, though to the great de- triment of his illegitimate offspring, intestate. Mr. Philip Fungus was born at Eltham, in Kent, and his mother was celebrated far and near, for her ability in clear-starching', and getiing-up linen. This kept her in con- stant employment; and although she was prevented by it, from paying all that atten- tion to her love-child, which under any other circumstances would have been, beyond all doubt, her earnest desire, yet in due time she sent him at a considerable expence to a grammar-school, where he first gave sym- ptoms his astonishing abilities. Hard la- 24: FUNGUSIANA. bour, and hard living, (for she denied herself even common necessaries to give Philip an education,) soon ended the days of his mother. He now, therefore, became master of himself at an early age ; and being of an active dis- position, avaricious, honest (where there was nothing to filch, and no one to impose upon), and in a word, a lad, that promised to make his way in the world, he contrived to get employment in the yards and stables of all the neighbouring inns. It was about this time, that he began to give evident proofs of some heterodox opinions, which he enter- tained respecting the method of what he cal- led picking-up a penny : and it was said, that he was privately whipped in a house of ^correction, for repeatedly carrying home his pockets full of oats, transplanting a pitch- FUNGUS! AN A. 25 fork, and even rifling the driver's \vardrobc in the hay-loft. This course of life, however, was fortunately interrupted by the kind offi- ces of some one interested in his welfare, who again put him to school, and at length, after : enlarging his ideas upon the subject of pro- perty, procured him an office in a respect- able family, from which, he was in a few years removed to the charge of a public- house, on the northern confines of Gloucester- shire. Here he stayed some time, and sig- nalized himself in the games established in that neighbourhood by Reginald Dover. It. was in this place, that he saved a sum ade- quate to the purchase of all that commodious, and elegant building, with all the stables, out-houses, and offices, thereunto annexed, called the King's Head, in the Old Change i 56 FUNGTJSIANA an establishment, which was for some time supported by him with great credit. At last, however, he began to think his mode of life not sufficiently bustling, or lucrative, for his disposition. To account for this, it may be observed, that his fondness for money grew daily more headstrong. And now a wider field for his rapacity presented itself. He had married a Miss Isaacs, the daughter of. a wealthy fell-monger in the Borough, whose brother was a great book-seller and publisher at the West-end of the town. To this advantageous match he had been promp- ted by a prospect of the property of the two brothers, the elder of whom, the publisher, had, as Mrs. Fungus prudently observed, 1 neither chick nor child : ' and with respect to the family in the Borough, he had heard FUNGUSIANA. 27 that they were all consumptive, rjid that out of seven children, his own wife and another theu standing on the brink of the grave, were the only two alive. On this report, it is certain, Mr. Fungus had formed his calculations; and the truth of it became manifest by the event. For scarcely was Miss Isaacs, th? sister of Mrs. Fungus, committed to the earth, when the book-seller and publisher died, leaving his house, business, and proper- ty, to Mr. P. Fungus, who accepted with delight a kind of employment, for which he had been so singularly gifted by nature. By means of the clerks of the late Mr. Isaacs, abundance of catalogues, and that sort of cunning, which makes every situation profit- able, he soon exhibited to the literary world that great versatility of talents, which so 28 FUNGUSIAKA. much distinguished him at school. He had a most wonderful sagacity in appreciating compositions, and he used to say, that pub- lishers were the midwives of literature ; and that, when he observed the toils and anxie- ties of authors, he thought it as much the part of compassion in him to buy, as of prudence in them to sell their works, and thus deliver them at once of all their cares, and solici- tude. If his terms were deemed inconsider- able, and any objections raised, he always pleaded one of the following extenuating ar- guments : the season too far advanced ; the town empty ; reputation should be esta- blished ; the hungry asperity and increasing number of reviewers ; price of paper and of getting-up a book ; the unaccountable ca- price of public taste; terrible expence of FUNGU9IANA. 29 advertisements; the number of other greater undertakings on hand ; the natural partiality of men to their own productions, &c. &c< Thus it happened, that he was only once dis- appointed in all his literary bargains. This single instance occurred on the purchase of a pamphlet, written by one Dr. Fib, a little Edinburgh Doctor;, who knew all the arts and sciences, and upon a fortnight's notice, could teach any one of the languages, that so con- founded the bricklayers of Babel. Mr. Fungus afterwards learnt, that he was the only specimen to be found in this country, of a perfect, uniform, unabashed, and inex- haustible liar. But to proceed. Mr. Fungus had no sooner taken posses- sion of the shop of Mr. Isaacs, than his wife 4ied, and in the space of twelve months SO FUNGUSIAXA. afterwards, he lost his father-in-law, Mr, Daniel Isaacs, the fell-monger in the Bo- rough. Mr. F. now secretly gcive himself ( for his foresight, mourned half a year, and then looked around for a female qualified in person and property, to become the suc- cessor of his departed spouse. In settling the affairs of his father-in-law, he had been introduced by his attorney, to a Miss Poodle, the daughter of an army -broker, who had amassed immense property, which howe- ver suffered daily diminution by the follies and excesses of the eldest son, a young officer in the Guards. At the time of introducing him, Mr. Skin had observed, that she appeared well calculated from her age, fortune, and disposition, to make any man in the situation of Mr. Fungus, an excellent wife, It ia true, slie was older than he, and some scru- ples might be raised to her marrying a man in business, which the refinement of modern manners has established, as degrading to any person of the least independent circumstan- ces ; but the great reputation, and reported wealth of Mr. Fungus would, in his opinion, prevail over such narrow prejudices, and, at all events, he recommended the attempt. This conversation had slept in the ear of Mr. Fungus, till by accident his eye glanced one morning upon an unseemly hole in his stock- ing; and the association of ideas became so strong, that he determined from that moment, to make advances to Miss Poodle. It happened, as Mr. Skin had conjec- tured. The habits of Mr. Poodle made him sooa sensible of the value of such a connection, 32 FUNGUSIANA. and every encouragement was given to the addresses of Mr. Fungus : and ere long the matter took an appearance highly gratifying to Mr. Poodle, though very unexpected to the more politic lover * For such was the coyness and backwardness of the lady, and such the glowing descriptions of the attorney, whom he made his confidant in the affair, that all on a sudden the prudent Mr. Fungus became violently in love. It is strange, but true, that lore in these mature personages, like a fire among sea- soned timber, burns with a most formidable vehemence, seizing on the appetite, murder- ing sleep, and drying up the very marrow of bones, not overflowing with natural mois- ture. Mr. Fungus, whose nerves had been thoroughly hardened by trade, and who had FUNGUSIANA. 33 never experienced any thing like tenderness, or sensibility, properly so called, now began to think the presence and smiles of Miss Poo- dle necessary to his happiness, nay almost to his existence. As it is natural in these cases to embrace eagerly every thing, that can cherish this unusual glow of sentiment, and as the tem- per of Mr. Fungus was ever restless, so he fell about this time under the influence of a sort of canine appetite for novels and ro- mances, which raged in proportion to the fury of his passion. He read with delight of a thousand intrigues, enterprises, battles, murders, elopements, and other horrible things, of which he always conceived himself to be the hero : and it, was astonishing to observe, the possession which they took of his ima- 31 FUNGUSIANA. gination. At one time, he was besieging castles, killing barons, crawling in vaults, threading long passages, and dying \vith trepidation. At another, he was hunting nunneries, circumventing aunts, and carrying off the object of his wishes, the angelic Miss Poodle, with a whole host of fathers, mo- thers, brothers, guardians, trustees, rivals, .light-horsemen, scouts, spies, assassins, lack- ies, tenants, captains, marquisses, monks, lady-abbesses, and governantes, only one short stage in the rear. At length, however, matters proceeded in a more systematic and determinate form. Miss Poodle, who had once known a decei- ver amongst the men, had hitherto continued inveterate in her hatred to the whole sex : but as she saw in Mr. Fungus, a certain FUNGUSIANA. 35 warmth and eagerness of manner, which promised constancy, she now only wished to ascertain, whether her admirer had swal- lowed the hook, as far as the gills. With this view, she made her retreats in the ex- act ratio of his advances. Nothing could have been more politic; for there was that elasticity of affection now existing in Mr. Fungus, that a repulse only brought him up again to the assault, and increased the vio- lence of the next charge. This mode of at- tack, and defence, however, had not con- tinued long, before a capitulation took place, and a formal surrender was negotiated ; in which, it was stipulated at the desire of the lady, that the assailant should not take pos- session, till the expiration of a twelvemonth, (although the siege had now lasted nearly D 2 36 FUNGUSIANA, two years,) during which period Mr. Skin should have the arrangement of the articles, and the conduct of a deed of settlement, by which, the lady amply provided against any future contingencies. Such was the course of love, and such the marriage of that couple, from whom sprang the great Barnaby Fungus. We are con- scious that more might have been said on this head, and many little particulars introduced, which might have proved satisfactory to the reader ; but we trust he will look with indulgence on these omissions, when he re- flects upon the importance of those subjects, to which we are hastening ; and we will en- deavour to recompense his kindness by our subsequent labours. FUNGUSIANA. 37 CHAP. III. THE physical powers of Mr. P. Fungus had a sensible effect upon the intellectual facul- ties of his son : although he did not, as the vulgar express it, take after his father in personal appearance, being not so athletic, and a most accurate observer of the last year's fashions, except in the instance of an enormous appendage to his head, called a bobtail, of which we shall have occasion to speak more hereafter. The physiognomy of Mr. Barnaby Fungus had nothing very 38 FUNGUSIANA. promising in it : but as curiosity with respect to every thing connected with extraordinary talents, is natural and indeed praise-worthy, we cannot altogether pass over in silence, the peculiarities of an exterior which enveloped so prodigious a mind. Lucian says, that the Colossus of Rhodes, though of such ex- ternal beauty, was rilled in the inside with rubbish. It was far different, however, with this Colossus of Literature. Here the aspe- rities and want of polish were all on the out- side, to the complete refutation of ordinary metoposcopists, who are resolved never to be convinced, that " There is no art To find tlie mkd'j, cor.sti i;ction in the face." From an unusual depression of the sinci- put, his forehead terminated above in a kind PUNGUSIANA. 39 of ridge, between which, and the eyebrows, was a deep, and wrinkled groove. These last were shaggy, beetling, and curved almost into his eyes, which twinkled underneath at some distance in his head. The temporal bones were so high, that the contour of the face, which in the upper part was the half of an oblate spheroid cut transversely, seemed to hasten suddenly to a point at the extre- mity of the chin, as soon as it left the tem- ples. I think with Lavater, that the chin is a very important feature, as may indeed be collected from the active part it takes in the common operations of eating, drinking, speaking, and shaving. Mr. Fungus had a chin, that modestly receded from the bold prominence of his other features ; or, in other words, his upper jaw and lip projected some 40 FUNGU8IANA. inch and a half l>eyond the under lip, so that his razor has been known to drop so sud- denly from the extreme edge of his upper lip, that it has slipped over a long rabbit's tooth in front of his upper jaw, passed safely enough by his chin, and cut off a large slice of the frill of his shirt, before the given im- petus could be stayed. His nose, which, as far down as the middle, promised to be aqui- line, suddenly rose from the more customary direction as if in disgust, and protruded in a circular figure with two flying spandrils of nostril, so open, as to expose a cavernous depth of hair andobscimly. His ears, like two wings, (as may be observed in the head of Mercury,) projected on both sides of his head, beyond a brushy profusion of whiskers ; and bore all the features of sagacity and pe- FUNGUSIANA. 41 netration, that the wisest physiognomist could desire. His hair was a fine shining brown v black, and rose on the top, as Tacitus mentions to have been fashionable among the Suevi, " in quondam altitudinem # t error em ;" i. e. with a sort of crest, and torrific appearance. But that which gave a peculiar solemnity to his countenance, was the depth and extent of a wrinkle, or rather furrow, that took its rise at the higher corner of the nostril, wound round the extreme angle of the mouth, where it was seconded by ano- ther, exactly parallel, of inferior length, and dimensions, and after taking an irregular sweep down the lower cheek, and passing transversely over the jaw-bone, was lost in a tremendous dewlapped jowl of difficult ac- cess, and hitherto never visited by soap, or 42 razor. J say lost, for wherever it was not removed, he had a beard, like an Esqui- maux. The body of this illustrious character, was thiu, but remarkably short ; his arms, and legs, singularly long. These last were con- stantly moved by an involuntary kind of swing, which was attributed by his mother, lo her having committed him, when young, to the care of a thoughtless nurse, who used, whenever she wished to go any where, or to fetch any thing, to dangle the infant under her arm with his body evenly balanced : at which times it was his constant practice nearly to dislocate his extremities by swim- ming, struggling, and kicking. In justice to the nurse, however, we cannot help re- marking, that this aerial posturing coritri- FUNGUSIANA. 43 buted wonderfully to the health of the child, and to the growth of his legs, and arms. The extravagant length of his neck was derived from another practice of this same servant. To save herself the trouble of holding the infaut while she fed him, she used to lay him in bed, and sit carelessly by his side, pro- jecting the spoon, containing his food, just so far over the bed towards the child's mouth, as best suited her own ease, and con- venience. Now this, it frequently happened, was not sufficiently near for the voracious rapacity of poor half-starved Master Fungus, who immediately, like a callow nestling, began cawing, and gaping, and stretching his pretty neck towards the spoon, as far as the little vertebrae would safely admit. Such a plan of feeding being frequently repeated, it was 44 FUNGUSIANA. pleasant to observe, how it operated on the length and elasticity of the little creature's throat, and neck. But as it did not escape the notice of Mrs Fungus, the servant jus- tified herself, (as women are never without an excuse) by reminding her, that no me- thod could be more salutary, because it gave a great freedom to the exercise of the i fauces * or chops, whence it would hasten and im- prove the business of articulation, and more particularly, as it was a certain antidote against that most dreadful of maladies, the apoplexy, which was so frequently attendant upon a short neck. This reasoning, which was indeed bold and ingenious, satisfied Mrs. Fungus, as she herself, no less than her hus- band, was remarkably short-necked ; an inconvenience, which they both felt in no FUNGUSIANA. 45 inconsiderable degree, during the sleep of either one or the other, which was always accompanied by a loud bassoon sort of snor- ing, to strangers equally annoying, and por- tentous, and occasioned a constant endeavour in each to go to sleep before the other. Before we conclude this description of the person of Mr. Fungus, it will be necessary to advert to the particular attention paid by him to his pig-tail. Though this maybe the generic term, yet it is right in this place to premise, that the tail of Mr. Fungus was a bob-tail. Now every one knows, that this is different from a pig-taif, properly so called, as wi I be observed presently more at length : but I mention this, in order to in- troduce, for the edification of the reader, an instance of profound verb:\l criticism, or ra- 46 FUNGUSIANA. ther etymology. Mr. Fungus was some- what sceptical as to the origin of the term pig- tail. " Some, it is true," he would say, " have derived it from a very plausible source," as if it were in its first state big-tail, the change of the b into ;?, lilterce ejusdem organ?, being frequent among all nations. Others, again, ingeniously supposed it to be an abbreviation of periwig-tail, which first became perrig-taU, then prig-tail, and lastly, and naturally enough, pig-taif. Against this, however, 1 have something to object. Had such been the real derivation of the word, it must have been by an anticipation, un- paralleled in the history of things. We know that the ancient Germans More tails, as have likewise the Turks and Indians, no less than the Chinese, for the last 468,927 FUNGU9IANA, 47 years, according to the computation of Vol- taire. We may add likewise, that as wigs are, and ever were, an imitation of a natural head of hair, pig-tails must have been prior in date to the existence of Avigs, which bear an appendage in resemblance of them. For my own part, J am inclined to think that the name has been borrowed from those use- ful little domestic animals, which supply us with hams, bacons, and brushes. To those, who examine accurately, this will appear the more probable, because the name is si- milar in both cases, and the exterior resem- blance very close. In this conjecture, I feel more pa'-ticularly fortunate, as I have the concurrence of a great statesman, who at a tim , when all genteel polls were clipped closely behind, and phi'-tails were general 48 FUNGUSIANA. only among the vulgar part of our popula- tion, denominatad this latter class of men by a facetious allusion to the circumstance, )Crinisjjuba y the hair^ 54 FUNQUSIANA. or, a mane. Taking this for granted the only change is as follows Phobe, bobe, bob ; and the whole mystery is at an end. How- ever profound his speculation son this subject frequently were, yet it is true, he now and then felt somewhat chagrined by the vulgar expression, Tag-rag and bobtail. To a man of delicate sensibility, such a sarcasm on his principal feature (for in him such in fact it was), must be not a little mortifying. Mr. Fungus sometimes felt it very deeply, but observed, as he commonly did, when any thing displeased him, that " the phrase was begotten by Prejudice, upon the strum- pet Ignorance;" and whenever he had given this vent to his feelings, he became as cheer- ful as ever. The lives of great men have no interest FUNGUSIANA. 55 from change of incident, as will be observed hereafter, and therefore the reader can ima- gine, that there is the same deficiency in the Life of Mr. Fungus. It may not be amiss, however, to inform him, that this gentle- man was educated at home (as every great genius should be,) by that hammer of Critics, Puddingpophagus. This tutor was able to discuss every subject at first sight, and marvellously admired for a gentlemanly scholar by the ladies, who had often wit- nessed his profundity at whist, and chess. He was wonderfully given to smiling, and it has been remarked of him, that no one ever knew his real sentiments. Under his tui- tion, Mr. Fungus learnt to put on good ap- pearances, (for it is nothing to be wise and learned, without certain necessary outward 56 FUNGUSIAXA. marks of it,) and to conceal any little awk- ward ignorance upon emergencies. He was called the hammer of critics^ not like the hammer of heretics, because he pounded them into conviction, or knocked down their errors, but because he got all his acquaint- ance with books from Reviews, whose ob- servations he always drove as far as they would go, among his less enlightened friends, and clenched by his own elaborate com- ments. This however must be confessed, that he never disputed with the wealthy or powerful, and he was sure to side with the master of the house. Mr. Fungus wore spectacles, and took snuff. This he did, not as any man of an cvery-day turn of mind might have done, because his nose or eyes were deficient in FUNOUSIAXA. 57 any respect, but because he was convinced that the world is led by appearances, and nothing seems more symptomatic of hard study, than weak eyes, or spectacles (for either will do) ; or of greater service to profound observation, authoritative expres- sion, and the magisterial solemnity, with which learning should be elicited, than snuff. The one confers a singular air of shrewdness and penetration, during the in- spection or contemplation of any object; and the other allows time to arrange the sen- timents, and to deal them out with that seeming maturity of deliberation, which flashes instant conviction upon the hearer. Mr. Fungus always said, that Philosophy was so much indebted to spectacles, that chfldren yet unborn would lisp the name of 58 FUNGUSIANA. Galileo; and that learning would bless him, when Dr. Herschel, and the volcanos of the Moon, were entirely forgotten. "Alas !" he would often exclaim, " what a heavy tone must the want of these organic auxi- liaries have given to the lectures of the Greek and Roman Sages, to their opinions, conversations, precepts, and apophthegms! what tenets might not have been taught in the Lyceum and Academy, could Plato and Aristotle, who effected so much by their very beards, have bestraddled their noses with an edifying silver-mounted pair of spectacles ! Did the cause want support, what an over- whelming argument might be deduced from this in favour of a superiority of intellect in the moderns ?" But, let me not diminish the pleasure, that may be derived from the FUNGUSIANA. 59 perusal of two learned memoirs written on these subjects, by Mr. Fungus himself, the one intitled, " De vitris oculariis commen- tariotum," the other, " De puhere sternu- tatorio libcllus /' both of them very popular on the Continent, but from the fashionable discouragement, and very wise discontinu- ance of classical literature in this country, to be seen only in book-stalls, and catalogues. The voice of this great man was loud, and imperative. His opinions were expressed in company with so much confidence, and so deep a sense of his own superiority, that his conversation, in the minds of persons not accustomed to it, bore the appearance of contemptuous, and dogmatical pedantry. All eyes, however, are not capable of look- ing on the sun. When we reflect that he 60 FUNGUSIANA. had a library of 8,000 volumes (many of them a foot thick), that he could recount all their title-pages, and tell in an instant the respective dates of the editiones principes, that he knew all the Printers from Caxton to Brindley, that he was a rapacious col- lector of black-letter ; that he had made a general index of producible passages, with a most useful hortus siccus of adages, apo- phthegms, parallel passages, choice expres- sions, and out-of-the-way examples ; that he could talk, like the Grecian Doctor Kare- comoon, out of 500 authors in an evening ; that he wrote Greek and Latin, ut nihil supra, and brought into every subject not only what did, but likewise all that did not belong to it, with all the quotations which the text could bear ; that he had silenced FUNGUSIAJCA. 61 some of the most ferocious Doctors in the land ; that he was called, " o na.w " in both Universities, and all over the Continent ; that he seldom quoted from any thing less than a folio ; unless the book was not to be had, or consulted ; in a word, that he was the ad- miration of the learned, and the great Bria- reusof the illiterate ; when we reflect upon all this, we must not wonder, that he could string twenty metaphors upon a sentence, that he could vociferate yards of allegory, put to sleep a room-full of country gentle- men, frighten the boarding-school misses, astonish the ignorance of book-sale, and ca- talogue-hunters, put to confusion and utter silence a number of young men coming rea- dy crammed and corned for the evening's conversation ; and finally, that he did, as we 62 FUNGU31ANA. before hinted, wince a little under contra- diction. Thus much will convince the learned rea- der of his great acquirements; but in Oider to discourage the little attempts of conceited scribblers, at rivalling his excellence, we shall not omit in this place to mention the prognostics of mighty genius exhibited by him, while yet an infant. It is very true, that no bees were silly enough to leave their honey upon his lips while he was sleeping in his cradle ; but every one knows, that he was never so happy as when he could lay hold of any of his father's books and tear out their leaves one by one .from the dedication to the appendix. This was evidently to foreshew the contempt, in which he would afterwards hold them, and his own great FUNGUSIANA. 63 future literary superiority. All the world knows likewise, that while he could scarcely walk from the chair to the table, he often spoke in lines of ten syllables, with a fine cadence, and astonishing rotundity of ex- pression. Unfortunately for posterity, only one specimen of this early faculty has been preserved, and that by a kind of miracle, into which we have had no opportunity of inquiring. Upon the death of one of his mother's favourite bantam-cocks, among the other honours of his obsequies, an epi- taph was wanted. Little Barnaby, who was a witness of his mother's distress, and had always loved the deceased, in pure filial affection, and sad remembrance, breatl'cd extempore the following pathetic lines ; 64 FUNGUS! ANA. " Here lies , as dead at stone or stock, " Our pretty little Bantam-Cock ! " By hens lamented half a score, " He sunk to treadr-this earth no more! How the biography of .such a man could have been neglected, must remain an ever- lasting source of astonishment ! PUNGUSIANA. CHAP. IV. IT has been often lamented, that we know nothing of Mrs. Homer, Mrs. Pindar, Mrs. Plato, Mrs. Shakspeare, and other ladies, who have had the enviable felicity of passing their days, and nights, in the perihelion of genius. This consideration has induced us, for the reader's gratification, and the benefit of after-ages, to devote a chapter to a de- scription of Mrs. Fungus. Had the world continued to the present day its prejudices against female philosophers, or had a single 66 FUNGUSIANA. doubt remained respecting the equal division of intellect between the sexes, we could have put the example of this lady into the scale of English Literatae, and have drawn many conclusive inferences, as to their partici- pation of the < ray divine.' But at the pre- sent moment, this would be a labour, as useless, as it must be invidious. The public are> therefore, at liberty to make what use they please of this chapter ; and we shall give it without argument, comment, or con- clusion, recommending the reader to divest himself of all prejudice or partiality. Mrs. Fungus was the daughter of a Curate of the Established Church, who was famished in the attempt to bring up a family of ten children, upon twenty-five pounds a year. She was now a nice, little, round, agreeable, PUNGUSIANA. 7 breeding, woman enough ; and very few pos- sessed the faculty of talking more fluently. Thus much will be confessed by the world at large, to whom we shall now reveal her mor6 recondite qualities, and accomplishments. We have it from unquestionable authority, that no daughter of Adam ever yet excelled her in potting and pickling ; and that she knew in an instant, and would declare with oracular certainty, where the vinegar, and where the spice should predominate. Her pastries were admirable, and whenever Mr. Fungus came shivering from his library into the parlour, she used to bring his blood into action by the use of warm flannels, and cher- ry brandy. This always gave rise to scenes of great mutual endearments. Nothing could exceed the tenderness of her husband F 2 68 FUNGUSIANA. on these occasions, and, if the child was asleep, he would call her with the most be- witching tone of voice, his Lucretia, his Sempronia, his Cornelia, his Octavia, his Julia, his Agrippina, his Antigone, his Pe- nelope, his Zenobia, his Penthesilea, his Thisbe, his Baucis, and, in a word, such a number of affectionate names, that the good woman would often cry with pleasure at the very sound of them. This never went un- observed by Mr. Fungus, who would then address her in a number of loving passages from the choicest Greek, and Latin writers, in a tone of such plaintive melody, that no ordi- nary female nerves could have supported without hysterics. Every body knows what an ill-conditioned little fellow it was, who said that women are FUNGUSIANA. 69 " Best distinguished by black, brown, or fail-." Even in this point of view, Mrs. Fungus was far from contemptible. Her features and complexion were neither common, nor un- pleasant. But that which marked her cha- racter more than any thing else, was an in- ordinate fondness for poultry, and plants. These were all fed and cherished with her own hands. Here were her Polands, her Muscovies, her Dorkings, her Bantams, Tur- kies, Guinea-fowls, with the most delight- ful geese and ganders, peacocks and peahens. There were her annuals and perennials, ar- ranged and labelled according to the delicate and expressive names of modern botany. In all these concerns, were preserved the most exemplary cleanliness, order, and discipline. . In the poultry -establishment nothing Avas 70 FU1TGUSIANA. admitted, which was not consonant with the most scrupulous propriety. Nay, such was the delicacy of her feelings, that she could not be prevailed upon with all the arguments of expedience, to set duck-eggs under hens. She considered it as a confusion of nature, as an act of flagrant avarice, and to the poor mother one of the most distressing things in the world. It could not fail, she would often sa}-, to wither every tender blossom of sen- sibility in the breast of a child, to see a kind- hearted, harmless, cackling creature of a hen, raging, scrambling, fluttering, fuming, and screaming, at the edge of a pool, when her supposititious, and spoon-billed progeny, had quite unexpectedly left her at liberty to take a bird's-eye view of their aquatic ma- noeuvres, without her suspecting anything FUNGLSIANA. 71 -but their immediate drowning. In like man- ner, she never allowed her drakes to pick a single corn within the pale of her hens. For she knew full well the many wicked ways of that debauched bird : and if any straggler wandered in that direction, and endeavoured to waggle and wriggle his carcase under the railing, even though it were the first offence, and to all appearance through hunger or mistake, you might be sure of seeing him, in the course of a day or two, make his hori- zontal revolutions on the spit. So strictly was the moral government of her feathered subjects supported! Even a top-knot, or the most brilliant luxuriancy of plumage, had not sufficient influence to bias her sense of justice ; and once when instances of such delinquency had become alarmingly fre- 72 FUN6USM.NA. quent, she even went so far as to say, that in future it should be as fatal to any drak e de- tected in the above-mentioned mal-practices, as for a catholic priest to be discovered in Sweden. We have mentioned this, to make it more glaringly extraordinary, that nothing like a moral, or a scheme of retributive justice, is to be found in the whole of her writings. For the reader must be informed, that in addition to her fondness for a garden and hen-house, Mrs. Fungus had a strange pro- pensity to novel-writing, and was gifted with what is called a very pretty turn for poetry. These talents, as any sharp-sighted objector or reviewer might exclaim, ought to have been mentioned before her other qua- lities, faculties, and employments, as being FUNfiUMSNA. 73 * very deservedly ran ked among the drarac- - teristics of a modern accomplished woman*. To this we can plead, that, like children with a sweetmeat, we have kept the best to be eaten last. It would be superfluous to descant in this place on the great political benefits arising from an increase of novels in a country ; or on the wonderful sphere of intelligence requisite in a writer of this de- scription. All this is more than proved by the" prevailing taste for such reading, from the rapid sale of such works, and the' -ama- zing number of anthors of this class. We '. had, however, determined from the very mo- ment that \ve commenced this our biography, and noematology, to declare as -soon as a to- lerably fair opportunity offnvd itself, that we think the compositions of Mrs. Fungus 74 stand unrivalled for pathos and Hrigue. " Scandal, that spares not kings," has insi- nuated, we are well aware, that her heroines are too nervous and sentimental, her heroes too disinterested and fool-hardy, and all her plots improbable. ' Bentley with his slash- ing hook,' could not be guilty of greater cruelty. In refutation let us ask, is it likely there should exist these faults in a writer, that had read as many novels and romances as the knight of La Mancha? that had, in conformity with the advice of her husband, cast a very discerning eye upon al the ad- ventures, courtships, and stratagems of her own family, and that had access to the stu- pendous folios of a semi- Bodleian library. Mr. Fungus constantly reminded her from his common-place book, FUNGUSIANA. 75 * : Hnmani generis mores tibrnour rolenti " Sujficit una domus ; ' or, as he translated it, " That knowledge of mankind, which you so prize, ' Good Mrs. Fungus, your own house supplies.'' " Pray, my dear," said he to her one day, as she brought him a glass of elder-Mine with a toast into his library, " when may I expect that you will put a finishing hand to your exquisite tale o^Hyacinthus andlphigc- niajor to the lovely novel of 'Miss Hart-well, or to the < Death of the Dutch JVz/w,'orwhen will you commit to the press your sweet ro- mance of the ' White Assassin,' or that of the ' Midnight Murderer,' or comply with the wishes of all your female acquaintances, and publish i Beauteous Emma, or the Castle in Ruins J or, l Russian Love, of the 76 FUN GUM AN A. Sweets of the KnoutJ or ' Pastoral Con- versations^ or < the Winding-Sheet^ or * the Castle KeepJ or * Tears of Sensi- bilityj or * Burdock the GrimJ or, to omit many others, my little favourite, ( Paul and Penelope?' How common, alas ! it is, to observe the conjunction of rare talents, with a spirit of indolence and delay. At the very time that these com ositio s ha e been an- nounced in all the magazines, and news- papers, and the v hole iown is on the tiptoe of expectation, I am sorry to say, that no preparations are making by you to satisfy the public impatience, and that not one of them is in a state of readiness for the printer. Let me entreat you to rouse your energies, my dear ! you owe it to yourself, to your chil- dren, to your reputation, to your country, FVN6USIANA. 77 and to me, that such invaluable productions should see the light, and therefore allow me, during the remainder of my life, to hear their praises, and to see your claims to celebrity asserted through the whole world. This however, 1 shall never be enabled to do, un- less they are soon laid before the public. Only reflect! It will take, upon the most moderate computation, two years to translate each of them into French , as many into Ita- lian, as many more into German, Russian, Swedish, Spanish, Portuguese, Persian, Ara- bic, Chinese, Japanese, and other polite languages. Here are motives for exertion. For my own part I would burn all my books, if I did not hope to be spoken of in terms of transport among the dog-ribbed Indians, and the inhabitants of Congecathawhackaga, even 78 FUNGUSIANA. when the puny upstart learned of the day are dead and forgotten. Such must be the fame, and such the reward of my labours ! Even at the present moment, I anticipate the period, when the Otaheitan shall sing my verses, and the unbreeched school-boys of Papous shall be taught to admire the gran- deur of my conceptions, and the elegance of ray phraseology. It is in vain for you to imagine, that the tongue of curiosity will not inquire, who was the envied partner of my bed, and the soother of my mind, when fa- tigued by literary agitation. Will not pos- terity ask, what female ministered to him the balm of conjugal affection, bound in soft fetters the luxuriance of his hair, and pro- longed his years by an interchange of tender offices ? Undoubtedly they will ! From the FUNGUSIANA. 79 fisherman of Samoieda, to the naked hunter of Louisiana. I glory to know, that the/ will be immediately answered, that she was a paragon of genius, affection, and beauty ; that she was unequalled in botany, and or- nithology, and that her novels, and romances were in the hands of every one, beaux and belles, maids and matrons, the grave and the volatile. These are luxurious reflections, my dear, to your doting husband, a^d form the delight, support, and encouragement of my severer studies* But in the midst of these considerations, let me not be mortified by a consciousness of your neglect, nay of a re- fusa of those laurels, which an ait you. Let m be eech you to indulge the noble bent of your mind, resuscitate the fire of your imagination, aad let the world know that no 80 age ever yet produced a couple so transcend- ently illustrious." Mrs. Fungus, who, but for orders of long standing, would have interrupted the above noble effusion at least twenty times, now in- dulged a wonderful rapidity of elocution, smiled with complacency at the elegant compliments of her husband, and contem- plating his sparkling little eyes, and shining bob, promised to produce for his inspec- tion during the ensuing month, one of the choicest of her compositions, of which she was proceeding to describe the leading cha- racters, when she was informed by the ser- vant in great coolness and slowness of arti- culation, that her beautiful golden darling of a bantam cock had just scaled the lofty palisades, and in a. wanton spirit of research, FUNGUIANA. - had scratched up a most thriving specimen of the Erica. This accident was the more to be lamented, as it put an end to a conver- sation, that promised to be supremely brilliant and interesting. Mrs. Fungus, although, as we have seen, her feelings were but now attuned to every thing soft and amiable, no sooner heard the above calamitous account, than she left the library, uttering in a so- prano voice, a volley of condemnatory exe- crations, highly unworthy of her astonishing abilities. Mr. Fungus dusted his Diosco- rides, and Theophrastus, and with great com- posure read a page of Erasmus c de lingud.' As the wise are said to be satisfied with fewer words than other people, and as all our readers come without any difficulty under that denomination, we sincerely hope, they 82 FUNGUSIANA. will have, from the short yet striking deline- ation above-given, a full and true idea of the person, whom it was intended to resemble. For the present, we must bid adieu to bio- graphy, having matters of much greater consequence to communicate, and little lei- sure for the fulfilment of our promises to the public. - FUNGUSIANA. 3 ' CHAP. V. - THE man, who in the present state of litera- ture and society, would refuse to purchase a volume of opinions and table-talk, must be certainly lost to all sense of the dignity of human nature, and should be confined as an incorrigible dolt, to the perusal of almanacks, and newspapers. A very learned and ac- complished scholar of the 18th century, to whom were remarkably open all the best means and opportunities of judging accu- rately on so intricate a subject, has elegantly G 2 84 FUNGUS I AN A said, that " opinions have a wonderfully close resemblance and relation to old clothes." Although there is something in this expres- sion, which makes every superficial observer imagine, that he could have said the same, or something better, on so noble a theme, yet we are convinced, not only that there does subsist this close connexion and similitude between clothes and sentiments, but that from the recesses of this admirable observa- tion might be extracted whole volumes of instruction. As, however, a great part of what could be delivered on this head has al- ready struck the reader in the course of these pages, or will suggest itself with ten thousand other ideas, as novel as they will be found delightful, during the study of the sequel of this volume, we shall not presume to insult FUNGUSIANA. 85 him by unnecessary declamation, either in the present, or any succeeding chapter. In the goodness of his heart and understanding, however, he will excuse it, if we propose, to ourselves in the remainder of this chapter, to preface the apophthegms and familiar remarks of Mr. Fungus, with some few re- flections as remote from the common course of human thought, as they are worthy of all possible attention from the whole heathen, and Christian world; It is well known, that the exploits, adven- tures, enterprises, and achievements, of li- terary men are their opinions. In our inqui- ries into the characters of military men, we look for an enumeration of their battles, their conduct of a campaign, or their manage- ment of a retreat. Of naval commanders, it 86 FUNGUSIANA. is enough to know their engagements, their escapes, their hardships, and their contempt of death. Not so with literary men, sages, and philosophers : they have no acquain- tance with swords, mortars, batteries, carro- nades, broadsides, and bloodshed, and enter- tain for the most part very homely, and old- fashioned, notions of a dissolution of their crazy tabernacles. The life of Mr. Fungus consisted of the regular processes, at stated times, of eating, drinking, and sleeping, with much mending of pens, (an operation seldom performed by literary men to any good purpose,) frequent poking of the fire, occasional biting of the nails, twirling of the watch-key, handling of the beard, rattling collision of the finger- nails, chipping .with the penknife, and above FUNGUSIANA. 87 all, reiterated flapping,, and thumbing, of a quantity of unwieldy indexes, after a care- ful removal of the cobwebs. If these occu- pations afforded a breathing-time, it might have been spent in contemplating the grate, and what he used to call the pt/rophantas- mata, or figures in the burning-coals. Now a life of this description, accurately pour- trayed, with abundance of spirit, and glow- ing imagery, might be very well managed, by discussing critically, and physically, and politically, and religiously, and morally, the propriety, method, and attendant circum- stances, of each individual action, (by ex- plaining carefully, for instance, the best foot to put foremost into a house, and tho same coming out,) nay in the effervescence of a man's vanity might be sent to the press, from 8fc FtJNGtJSlANA. whence it might travel to a number of money- making, speculating, cataloguizing, book- sellers. But I much fear, that Apollo him- self would be able to conduct it no farther on the high road to immortality. The fair hot- press sheets, upon which it bad been printed, the noble portrait in the frontispiece, and the laborious fac-similes in the preface and appendix, would be lacerated by the rude greasy hands of commerce, and necessity, or travel incog, in waggons, and barges, among inglorious coverings of prospectuses, and advertisements. But turn your eyes from this gloomy pic- ture to the opinions of the literary man. Here we are in the midst of action, incident, and tumult. Here we are presented with difficulties, distresses, and the most interesting FUVGUSIANA. 89 embarrassments, love, murder, stratagem, honour, infamy, wedlock, devastation, plea- sure, madness, ruin, ambition, poverty, and a number of other animating contingencies of our nature, and existence. These are the criterion of a man's claims to celebrity. These are the arts and arms of the Philoso- pher, who may with justice be exempted from the elegant and useful arts, from tilling, digging, and the common roads to perspi- ration, as well as from the great c Training Act ' itself, while he is delving the mines of erudition, by discovering, how many men have said the same thing, and by supplying now and then a population of so many mil- lions with something to talk about. Reser- ving for himself a life, of dignified leisure, he consigns it to others, to harden their hands in FUNGUSIANA. the processes of mercenary labour. If the great bodies of the state, or universe, are eclip- sed, if the tempest descends, or the country falls, he is satisfied with having foreseen it all. Let it not lessen the high reputation of Archimedes, that he did not send the planet, which we inhabit, whirling into some new, and far-distant vortex. Every body knows the sorrow he felt from the want of a sort of landing-place, in the vast mansion of space, whereon to set his exorbitant lever. He knew how it was to be done, and left the humble office of execution 1o another; and he must be always remembered for the mag- nificence of his opinions. Do you observe that man in yonder field, cutting whistles of willow for the child at his side : He is a mere shadow of humanity. FUNGUSIANA. 91 Were it not for skin, bone, and cartilages, he might indeed slip into invisibility, and be spiritualized. He would die in the attempt to raise a pump-handle, or fly a paper kite. A purse full of down, in either breeches-poc- ket, would draw him from the perpendicular; and but for leaden soles, he might become, as was dreaded by Philetas, a prey to the winds. But what of all this ? Let us not be premature in our smiles ! For this is the very man, who sunk the great Lithuanian copper-mines, dug half a dozen canals, ex- tracted fire from the clouds, threw bridges over rivers, er of other very fine things, it is affected bj too many. Hence arise mistakes not a little injurious to the real possessor of transcendent abilities. It is not difficult to assume the gloo- my, threadbare, hungry, characteristics of Ge- FUNGUSIANA. ~ hius ; and it is no less easy for the beneficent, tender-hearted, patron to take the one for the other, the shadow for the substance : as sometimes persons are found to eat toad-stools for mushrooms, hemlock for parsley. No 1 - thing, however, can be more pernicious to the cause of Genius. On this account, where it really exists, it has to encounter ridicule, contempt j and neglect; if it is not already too closely pent up by envy, ignorance, pride, and malevolence, in the most noisome recesses of human poverty. This might not be so much regarded, were there not conferred upon men of Genius, the rare possession of nerves, and feelings, not I he less acute for being refined. Have you ever seen at one of our national parties, -where men go to eat, a generous H 2 100 FUNGUSIANA. good-natured guest, that places the barrel of oysters before him, and exhibits his dexterity and adroitness, by undertaking to serve the whole company, who, in the most compla- cent manner possible, commend his skill, aad devour his oysters. Nothing can be more civil, or flattering to his vanity ! or, on the other hand, more satisfactory to them. Some talk of brine, oatmeal, Milton and Colchester, in the most animated language, and gobbling pronunciation. Others recollect the lake Lucrinus, the promontory Circeium, and dis- cuss, with their mpuths full, the moot point of the < Rutupino fundo.' But ere long, the barrel is exhausted, and the gentleman with the spud has the heart-felt satisfaction of knowing, that he has been universally ad- mired, and that he is most deplorably hungry. FUNGUSIAMA. 101 Bread, and cheese, are at hand, and he at length finds, that his vanity has been fed at the expense of his stomach. Genius is seldom less expert, less admired, or less hungry, when its productions are before the world. It caters for the public. They eat most vora- ciously. Life is lost in expedients ; and the last resource, in some few fortunate instances, \s the independent enjoyment of bread, and cheese. Mr. Philip Fungus prayed, at all times, that his son might be a Genius ; and, that he might die, (if not like Aristotle, in trying to discover the nature of tides, or like Pliny and Empedocles in /Etna, and Vesuvius,) at least, in some great attempt, some new project, or some gigantic literary undertaking. The world can best judge, whether his prayer? 102 FTJNGUSIANA. were heard. In our opinion, (for we like- wise have a small circle of human beings in- fluenced by our opinions,') the whole civilized population of the four quarters of the globe will acknowledge, that such a combination of rare acquirements, sound learning, ele- gant accomplishments, and profound judg- ment, has never fallen to the share of any other individual in any country, or at any other period. Having trespassed so far upon the patience and benignity of the reader, wo now proceed to lay before him, a few of those Opinions of Mr. Fungus, which have imme- diately or indirectly, contributed to the pre- sent stale of public manners, and sentiments. THE OPINIONS AND TABLE-TALK OF THE LATE BARNABY FUNGUS, ESQ. EDUCATION. 1 could never see the soundness of a remark so frequently in the mouths of persons other- wise profound, that flourishing states are those, in which most attention is paid to the early stages of man's existence ; and that there can be no surer sign of degeneracy and approaching ruin, than a carelessness with respect to education. But do not philoso- phers always send us back to nature ? Do they not regret, that there should be an esta- blished process to divest us of natural instinct, manners, disposition ? Is it not true, that trees, which grow wild, make the best timber. Does not the uncultured dog-rose equal in 106 FUNGUSIANA. the rich fragrance of its perfume all the boasted odours of the garden, or conservatory ? And certainly, human nature without culti- vation would be delightful ! How much are those to be envied, who will see the rising generation, without a single sacrifice of the great privileges of their being, flourishing free, and uninterrupted by those barriers to great and noble actions, law, government, principle, institution, subordination, &c. &c. The Samogilians would not allow a young woman to go out at night without a candle in her hand, and a bell at her girdle. Our girls are too well fortified by education to need any such defence. Nay, if an English lass were bound by such a custom, she would do the other sex the justice to keep her bell FUNGUSIANA. 107 silent, and they, in return, would put out her candle. I always thought it right, that young peo- ple should run their full career of pleasure from the age of eighteen to twenty-five ; that they might be subject to no irregular sallies afterwards, their habits become fixed, and their health green in the midst of age. One of the best and most hopeful supports of virtue and integrity in children is the kind parental maxim, that " Boys will be boys." It is in these polished times an unnecessary severity, and may break their little hearts, to have their tempers subdued, their minds crammed, and their habits distorted. If any, however, should be rash enough to think otherwise, let them instantly consult Mamma. 108 FUNGUSIANA. There are these national advantages arising from the thin clothing of the ladies : it leaves no unforeseen occasions of disgust to the other sex after marriage ; because every thing is exposed to the eye : it frees them, from all old-fashioned embarrassment, and bashfulness, in the presence of men, conspicu- ous for their polished easiness of manners :- it likewise acts as a check to the licentious, allays their passions, and prevents the desire of possession, by leaving nothing to the ima- gination : These were the considerations, that induced me to relinquish my plan of establishing " a Society, and Fund, for the warmer clothing of the Ladies." In the present state of society, I conceive the best method of educating a boy to be, as FITNGUSIAXA. 109 follows : * Till he is eififht years old, let him have the full enjoyment of c'lildish amuse- ments without any check or refusal, especial- ly when the privation might occasion tears. Let him, as he sees fit, bite, kick, and scratch > when, and whom, he likes, and put in action all the little faculties of his mind and body, m what way he pleases. After this period, when he can sit upon a pony, and wear boots, let him assume, as much as may be, the air, * The good Bishop Hall (which, in these days, is syno- nymous with silly,) observed, in his usual old-womanish ^style, on the mis-education of the gentry of his time, " I speak it boldly ; our land hath no blemish comparable to the mis-education of our Gentry. Infancy and youth are the seed-times of all hopes ;, if those pass unseasonably, nc fruit can be expected ii'om our age, but shame and sorrow. Who should improve these, bnt those who command them ?" &c. &c. Vide Letters, Dec. 6. I*t. 6- If there were any truth in this, it is fortunately now wholly in- applicable to our refined and gnitlcnm -J-j GsLt.'y. 110 PUNGUS1ANA. clothes, and habits, of a man, let him hunt, talkof the girls, and make, and take, bets. Do not curb his spirit of disobedience and con- tradiction on any account ; because the child will have nothing to say at a more advanced age, if he is ever silenced now. By no means let him be influenced by the distinction of rank or abilites ; and let him be equally bold, pert, and contumacious with strangers, as with his own family. At ten, he may have a private tutor for two years, if there can be found a mild, whist-playing, gentlemanly man, that never flogs, or even reprimands, and who will take his salary, and sit quiet, without torturing the poor lad with his in- structions. Give the boy now as much money as he" can spend, and let him have his wine after dinner. At fifteen, his manners FUNGUSIANA. Ill will be formed, his education finished, and he may make the grand tour ; or, as will become his polished habits much better, let him have a mistress, a good stable, and stud at home ; let him frequent the gaming- table, races, run- ning, walking, and boxing-matches, and be- come a gentleman of the whip, and turf. Let him learn, if the exertion be not too great, the names and pedigrees of our best dogs and horses, the laws of wagers, and assist at their decision. Thus trained, he may enter the army, pour passer le temps ; fight half a dozen duels in an honourable way, i. e. without the shadow of a reason ; and retire with the esteem and respect of his fashionable intimates, to ease and dignity, after having paid ,20,000 damages for a dashing intrigue with his friend's wife. 112 PUNGUSIANA. A girl may receive the following educa- tion. As temper is not of the least conse* quence in a female, let it never receive anj attention,, particularly at :t very early age ; because a very little may then rob the child of its natural disposition. Give her, till eight years have matured her mind and spirit, abundance of dolls, tinselled play-things, and the most expensive clothing; because the impressions formed by these things will at that period be strong enough to last through her whole life. At this age, she must . be kissed and caressed, when she happens to be cross, that the passions may not be roused, and that she may not break any thing valu- able during her anger. Mamma need not be reminded to comply with all her little wishes. Should she require a brick from the chimney. * J } FUNGUSIANA. 113 or anything short of the moon, let John in- stantly get a ladder. Ring it constantly in her ears, that she is beautiful, lovely, charm- ing, exquisite, adorable, and all that she wiU hear bye-and-bye from the other sex. At twelve, she may leave the nursery, have a private govemante, run over the piano (as she must call it), and lisp a little French with an English accent. Encourage every instance of volatility, and initiate her in all the cabalistic arts of the toilette. Natural instinct must be subdued altogether, and its place supplied by something better. She must appear to think, and mean, exactly the contrary of what vulgar nature suggests. Teach her to faint, and scream, and exclaim, and mince, and observe, and relate, and di- rect, and reprove, arid repel, and the'otber -114 FUNCU8IANA. parts, which it behoves her to perform, not just as it may happen, but all selon Ics re- gles, according to the most approved, and re- cent usages. Let her dance in the delight- ful manner of Parisot, and draw, if it be the rage , from such noble figures, as the Hertu- les Farnese, aud the beauties of the naked antique. Thus trained till fifteen, she will be prepared to come o/, and astonish society with her acquirements. When she has been ushered into the world, she may find it con- venient to learn to read, write, and spell, in .order to indite, what is called a good letter : since on this in no small degree depends her influence, and character. The proper idi- OUH, however, for such compositions, miKt be selected from novels, and romances, or the most fashionable poets. These last must FUNGtJSIANA. 115 foe distinguished for tenderness, sentiment, voluptuous thought, and abundance of new phraseology, which are all indispensable to the proper formation of her mind. Let her now likewise be practised in pretexts, pre- varications, and excuses, which are the de- fensive weapons of the sex: for little hopes are to be entertained of a girl, who is detected in any unpleasant, orawkward, situation, and has not a ready means of extricating herself without embarrassment. But this must lie effected with the greatest appearance of frankness, and sincerity, and therefore rer quires some necessary hints from the mother. Conquests amon^ the men should be the- -par ramouut object of all exertion. If she should break the hearts of one or two good-natured fools, who believed her, it is no matter, for !1C FINGUSIAWAi it cannot fail to render her the more desira- ble. In the polite world, money alone i* capable of procuring happiness. Invita- tions, introductions, attentions, friendships, interest, distinctions, and universal envy, which are the very soul of earthly enjoy- ments, (and she will hardly be weak enough to think -of enjoyments without a body,) constitute the certain attendants upon afflu* nce. On this account, she must be ever on the watch for a good match. Age should be no impediment, because it can be of little consequence to a sex, whose feelings are only a convenience, and because she will the sooner regain her liberty with his whole wealth, at hr disposal, and she may then do, as sb pleases. Above all, however, let her know, and remember, as she would an assig- FUNGUSIAVA. M7 nation, that nothing desirable, amiable, de- serving, gentlemanly, virtuous, ingenious, or even tolerable, can belong to poverty, or a bare maintenance. Such sentiments, as thrse, will eventually lead to a great and wealthy connexion, provided all her na- tural infirmities are concealed before mar- riage. Hence, living under the s.ame roof should be avoided, as tlie parties may dec too much of each other, and tli^re be no, novelties for the honey-moon. After mar* riage, she may look around for some object more worthy of her affections, ami, if -she manages well, procure a divorce, or. a sepa- rate establishment. Rousseau was a very groat Philosopher. I hate beating, and flogging, children. f^- * Cicero, though of -les*ronseqence -linn Re 118 FUNGD3IANA. Leave the child to himself, and you will see hovr strongly the moral sense operates at that age. The fear of punishment is a very de- grading motive. Why should a human being, with a'l his dignity about him, be rendered unhappy ? Nature alone will gra- dually improve him, and supply the place df habit. Recollect , a mother's feelings are of more consequence than the errors of a child. A sense of honour, gratitude, and affection, will at length subdue his temper, eradicate his vices, and restrain him from wrong. . On such subjects, we should always or Mr. Fungus, is exactly of this opinion. " Qui adoles- <. n turn peccatis ignosci putant oportere, falluntur, prop- tcrea quod ilia a?tas non cst impedimento bonis stud is Ac hi sapienter facinnt, qui adolescentes maxime casti. gant, -ut quibus virtutibus omncra vitam tueri posstint- eas in aetate niaturissiina veliut coutparare." Ad He- icun. 1. 4. !"( .NCa'SlA attend to the arguments of the ladies, . who are never flogged, and are therefore all Ipve- ly, virtuous, and well r disposed. I congratulate the age upon our arrival ,at such a pitch of refinement, as to have completely lost sight of the principles of education adopted by our forefathers ; and, among other symptoms of an advance in ci- vilization, to acknowledge universally the absurdity of burdening children with aloud of useless Latin, and Greek. - . .-,? 120 FUNGUSIAKA. RELIGION. . NOTHING can be more absurd, than a na- tional Religion. It gives no scope to genius, makes no allowance for human frailty, and places men out of the possibility of recei- ving, among their other refinements, refined notions of Religion, It prevents all discus- sion and controversy, by coming, like Mi- nerva from the head of Jove, all ready- formed, and fashioned to their hands. It leaves no room for eliciting truth by oppo- sition. It presupposes something unchange- able in Religion, without a single pro- FUNOUSIANA-. 121 spect of delightful variety, and alteration. It precludes all hopes of assailing the govern- ment under the pretext of religious differ- ences. Whenever men are left to make their own Religion, they may render it at clastic, and accommodating, as they please. The Chinese are very happy in this respect, , for -which they deserve the praises of Voltaire. ' < Familiarity breeds contempt.' Religion should be treated, as we use the Physician: call in its aid only upon emergencies ; be- cause it -would interfere too much with the manners and philosophical cast of modern soGK*y> were it received into comma* practice. The study of the Scriptures should form no part of the education of a gentleman 5 be- cause "where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly <% FUNGUSIANA. to be wise ; " and because there will be no opportunity of improving it afterwards. Philosophy, which is nothing more than a wonderful account of causes and effects, should never be carried so far, as to end in the divine attributes : since this would be mortifying and degrading to the independent dignity of our nature, and the infinite fa- culties of the mind. Add to this, that se- condary causes have a double interest, by leaving so much to the imagination. Nothing can be worse for young people, than religious knowledge. It makes old women, drivellers, and fools, of them, filling them with constant alarms, depriving them of their just pleasures, and making them totally unfit for polite circles. The profligate, and reprolwUe, are IxM FUNGUSIANA. 123 calculated to decide, and should always be consulted, in matters of Religion, because they can have no partiality in its favour. -'It : is high time to think for ourselves in religious matters, when we hear of such jar- gon^ as judgement, hell> eternal misery, repentance, &c. &c. But the reign of Priestcraft is over, and the mind is shaking rt ft' Us old trammels. And fortunate indeed ft is for the more enlightened part of man- kind. For who can defend his honour with those old narrow prejudices about him; or enjoj- to the full, the constant and delight- ful round of exalted pleasures in high life? One of the most perplexing, and ungen- tlenianly, questions, which a man can put to himself, which involves ten-thousand disa- greeable sensations, and \vhich should there- 124 FUNGUSIAXA, fore, never be proposed, is the following: For what purpose was I sent into the world ? Many would persuade us, that none have a right to dispute about the evidences, or doctrines of Religion, but those, who arc deeply read in History, fully acquainted with the writings of those voluminous authors, called, The Fathers ; thoroughly and cri- tically skilled in the languages of the Scrip- tures, possessed of an honest, unwarped, heart, and understanding, and blest with a full sense of human insufficiency. This opi- nion, 1 am proud to say it, I have always reprobated for its illiberality. For if it were true, what would become of the great host of Dissenters in this country? I low mortify ing must it be to the proud philosophy of the present day! to the female sex, who FUNGUSIANA. 15 are the great supports of religion in its strict- est form ; and to public-spirited enemies of the Church, who hate Establishments, and reject the medicine for this best of reasons, because they dislike the Physician ! >{)rwL 3iorf; ; 'qir> s ,L'qT< jqo uunHo oansa Kitt roiq mu I B woH *. Y^T . o5 1 . FUNGUSIANA. THE ARMY. THE greatest blessing, that could befal this country, would be another Military Government. Nothing can be further removed from despotism, than such a state of things : especially if there is an opening for men to rise from the ranks. Sucli per- sons in power are sure to be the most liberal, gentlemanly, mild, sensible, and merciful, of all possible masters, abounding in im- partiality, and ever open to conviction, and remonstrance. Young officers should .be veryxjarefuj to go into the field of battle well dressed, pow- dered, ornamented, and perfumed, because it is highly necessary, that they should die like gentlemen, and that their bodies may be readily distinguished from a parcel of fel- lows, who fall without any gold, silver, lace, or regulation trinkets, about them. It is very advantageous, that the army should be officered by a race of thin, elo- gantly- emaciated men, or boys, that they may be less exposed to gun-shot wounds, be more active in the field, and be more easily carried off. Nothing betrays good breeding in the army more effectually, than an extensive fund of genteel oaths; and nothing can be more enviable, than to die in the act of deal- ing out a volley of them. 128 FUNGTJSIANA. The more an officer is accustomed to a theatrical splendour of dre*s, the more eager he will be to exhibit it in the field of battle, and attentive to the duties of his own rank, as well as of the troops committed to his charge. No man should think of taking a commis- sion in the army, who is afraid of staking the last penny of his parents' earnings, who is un-read in horse-flesh ; who is not of a thirsty habit of body ; who cannot bear a debauch ; who is low enough to pay any debts, but those of honour ; who can pre- sume on any occasion to remonstrate, or think for himself ; or, in fine, who dares to improve his faculties. Do you ask me why ? For this plain reason : If he has not such qualifications, as are predominant in a FUNGUSIANA. 129 mess-room, he will be society only for those military sticks, called men of information, and will never be half man enough to jump headlong into the world of spirits in an ho- nourable single combat. I am still doubtful, whence could origi- nate that equitable practice in the army, of making every petition, remonstrance, me- morial, &c. pass through the hands of the different superior officers, before redress, re- lief, or reparation, can be obtained. N. Wf o^Jixar anrcti FUNGUSIANA. 145 POETRY. A NATION is most flourishing, when there are most poets existing in it ; because the stock of national genius is then most consi- derable : and therefore this country was ne- rer in a more flourishing condition, than at present. I have no patience with the man, who can write an infinity of fine poems, all extolled by the praises of his friends, and relations, and can presume to deviate so much from common practice, as to let them still linger in his desk unpublished. For my own part, I cannot imagine, what ideas of poetical fer- 146 FUNU8IANA. mentation Horace must have had, when he prescribed the term of nine years for a Poem to remain in the wood. I must say, I ad- mire, with many others, the raciness of new poetry. When this goes off, poems, as well as wines, too often become dry. Poetical thought cannot be too refined. Superabundance of sentiment, and pretty antitheses, are proofs of national greatness of mind, as is evident in the French, and Ger- man, poetry. To prevent the slight disappointment sometimes felt in reading poems, and other productions, which do not correspond with their titles, (for, like bottles, they are not always rightly labelled,) it would be of great service to the country, if every author was obliged to publish, with the advertisement of FUNGUSIANA. 147 his work, a general prospectus, or bill of fare, for the consideration of persons unacquaint- ed with his merits and abilities. The greatest possible encouragement should be given to juvenile poems, because they are so tender, so pretty, and so sub- lime ; and because by such means the num- ber of poets would be greatly increased. Poverty is a great spur to genius. All splendid achievements, and noble produc- tions, have, with few exceptions, been the offspring of the " duris urgens in rebus egestas." You remember the story of the soldier in Horace. It is on this account, that great poets, and all other great men, to the utmost of human endeavours, have been wisely kept as thin, as hurdles, and as poor, as curates, and church-mice. 145 FUXGUSIANA. The best Dramatic compositions, are those, which contain most intrigue between the sexes, most double senses in the diction, most enlivening oaths, most puns, most sentiment, (provided always, that it does not produce a moral,) most voluptuous innuendos, and least illusions to the stale dictates of the old school of principles and virtue, which should be confined to the church, and not be allow- ed to enter any place of amusement. As the feelings are most gratified, where the imagination is permitted to range, so Poetry, considering the incitements, which human nature constantly needs to vicious indulgences, should abound with every thing luscious, without positive obscenity. Com- positions, thus recommended, have the most delightful effects upon the young mind, soft- FUNGUSIANTA. 149 ening it's severity, and introducing new ideas, and pleasing sensations. Hence likewise, Sterne, though not a poet, is one of our least exceptionable writers, in a moral point of view, and is entitled to the conti- nual gratitude of posterity. 150 FUNGUSIANA. MARRIAGE. MARRIAGE, like a show, should not car- ry too many pictures on the outside, but leave the greatest part to the imagination, until the parties walk in. The less, there- fore, persons are acquainted with each other before this contract, so much greater the probability of happiness ; because the fancy has not been damped by cold realities, and every discovery of a good quality at a future period, is an unexpected blessing. Iff the present refined state of society, and under the glorious reign of private judg- FUJNGUSIANA. J51 ment, the married life has been admitted to a participation in the benefits of universal improvement. The women are now edu- cated in the best manner to make them good wives. Their minds are stored with useful, more than with ornamental, acquirements, and chastened by a proper sense of religion and morality, which have become, as they always should be, distinct branches of edu- cation. They are taught a modest, self- denying, demeanour, so early, that they ne- ver forget it. That meekness and submis- sive acquiescence, which conquer by yield- ing, and which are so indispensable in a good wife, have now become the most com- mon of all their qualifications : because it is now considered of greater consequence at school to train the mind and temper, than to 152 FUHGUSIANA. make them jig, and sing, and labour the pia- noforte, and talk French, and gild boxes. At the present day, and for this reason, we see every-where women contented with their homes, and husbands, and regulating their families by a consistent example, and the most earnest assiduity of instruction* Their full employment leaves no time for idle scandal, and walks of invidious observation, even if the inclination for such conduct ex- isted. When they are once married, all the pomp of dress is laid aside, and a ridiculous affectation of affluence, and finery, absorbed in the care for the welfare of a rising family. Posthumus might now marry, and not be exposed to the " Die qud Tisiphone ?" of his friends. Make his choice wherever he would, his beloved would be found to vie in HJNGUSIANA. 153 useful accomplishments, with the good wife pourtrayed by Solomon.* Routs, coteries, tea-parties, and conver- sazioni, as they are always necessary to kill the time, and to ease a married couple of the few odd shillings ; so do they tend in a sur- prising degree to the embellishment of a rational existence, to the mutual endearment, and confidence, of all ranks in society, and more especially to the comfort of old age. * Much of tbis superiority of the modern married state arises perhaps from their never troubling and perplex- ing themselves about such questions, a* the following : Eiirt /AO;, u yvyou, rjSj x*T?oo-aj, r/xor laort mx* vyu Tl 154; FUNGUSIANA. MUSIC. Music is the art of tickling the ear bj rapid, and complicated sounds. Hence it will be evident, that there can be very little music in the old artless compositions of Han- del, Corelli, Purcell, &c. The public taste has been so much im- proved by B m and B n in vocal music, and by V i in instrumental, that it is amazing there should be persons still exist- ing, who can admire Madame Mara, and Bar- tleman, or the works of such authors, as Kent, Green, Smith, Hasse, Guglielmi, or evea FUNGUSIANA. 155 Pergolesi; for we find that these authors were unacquainted with the real nature of cadenzas, apoggiaturas, ad-libitums, and the exquisite variations of modem masters. If any man presume to call any of the ab- struse learning, and fine chromatic passages, of Mozart, and Bethooven, by the name of pedantry, fiat anathema! As the operations of the hand are always of more consequence, than those of the head in fashionable society, a concerto played on the violin or violoncello, may be purchased for twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, or sixty guineas, an elaborate and useful address from the pulpit for one.* Singing, particularly of a foreigner, is cheap at any price, as may be * The reason of this is evident j we must have the ne, and we can dispense with the other. 156 I-UXGUSIANA. proved by the annual salary of an Opera- singer, for a sum, which would support at least one hundred and fifty poor families for the same period. All which incontestable evinces the absurdity of loading the tender brains of children with Latin and Greek, which, absorbed in whatever quantities they may be, can at best furnish only a ragged maintenance. A girl may as well be bred in a farm-house, or be the daughter of a shop-keeper, as think of coming out without music. Nothing can betray a neglected education more, than the want of ability to rattle over the keys of the piano-forte in the tempo prestissimo, and call it a lesson, or sonata. Music must be learnt, and it should be no impediment to find, that a child's ears are not fellows. FUNGUSIANA. 157 To raise astonishment, and create admira- tion, a female should seem to the world to acquire all her musical attainments, by a kind of intuition, and inspiration. Even ^hen she has been sitting (as many are known to do) for ten hours a day, it will be neces- sary to prepare the audience for the most agreeable disappointment, by previously ob- serving, that she is quite out of play, that sh* never touches the instrument^ and that it is possible she might acquire a little execution, if she had the leisure to practise. 158 FUNGU8IAHA. PAINTING. THE merits of a Painter should not be ac- knowledged by the artists of the day, while he is living ; or, if it is absolutely necessary to join in the universal commendations of the public, it should be done with those hap- py qualifying remarks, which are so well known to the profession. What painter would dare to mention in plain terms, the me- rits of a Smirke, Hoppner, Wilkie, Turner, Glover, &c.? A Painter, like a Poet, should have been gathered to his earths and ochres at least a FUNGUSIANA. 159 century, before his works come into request : and even then, it is more prudent, and grati- fying, to admire the works of a foreigner. The praises of our country-men may be cele- brated most safely, when their oils begin to crack, and there is a chance of losing them altogether. Young painters should not consult Nature, because at that age the Marvellous is most attractive, and Nature would supply them with nothing, but truths. It is pleasant to observe the great preva. lence of water-colour drawings, to which even contemporaries do not regret giving some little tribute of praise, upon the recol- lection, that a few years will destroy them, and that they prevent men of consummate talents from immortalizing themselves by the use of durable materials. 160 FUNGUSIANA. There is this advantage attending the high estimation in which the works of the Old Masters are held : Our numerous amateurs and conoscenti,are under no apprehensions of committing themselves in praising a picture of established reputation. Whereas their judgment would be sadly decried, if they spoke of modern art with any approach to enthusiasm. Many thanks are due to the wealthy and genteel picture-dealers, from the time of King William to the present day, for never men- tioning a living painter without some appro- priate, condemnatory, epithet, and for stock- ing the country with the admirable refuse of foreign cabinets. As the eye is a nearer road to the heart than the ear, no man confers a greater bene- fit on the rising generation, than the Painter, FUNGUSIANA. 161 who devotes his time and talents to volup- - tuous, and obscene representations. The age may boast of one Chasrephanes, who, if he meets with no distinguished attentions from the Society for the Suppression of Vice, will, we trust, for the good of his country, renew the rites of the god of Lampsacus. PUNGUSIANA, CRITICISM. CRITICISM was anciently said to be " the last result of abundant experience." This idea was not amiss, when no one made a livelihood of it, and there was time to weigh very thing deliberately. At present a Cri* tic (as he is called,) must not be very scru- pulous ; he must know how an author stands with the book-sellers ; next consider, what yiew of the book to be reviewed will pay best ; and, as censure always fills most paper, if no cogent reasons appear to the contrary, call the author a fool in all the different me- FUNGUSIANA. 183 thods prescribed by the trade. In the mean time, let him remember, that the period of reading, and criticizing, is very confined, and that he is paid, not by the day, but by the piece ; that no one knows who he is, and that eulogy is very unprofitable. Besides, he knows the old lesson, ppcr /, * that any one can find fault :' and let others look to the sequel, fA^e70 & ^AWOV, c bot it is difficult to imitate.' A Critic need not fear the vengeance of an Author, because the public like to see men of abilities brought to an unenviable level; buy Reviews, where they will not pur- chase Pamphlets in refutation ; a;l;Hre scan- dal, sarcasm, and defamation ; and hay.* no sympathy with individual feelings, nor care for private injuries. x 2 164 FUNGUSIANA. A Critic's information should never equal that of the writer, whom .he criticizes ; be- cause, on the one hand, he will be more likely to find man y novelties, discover great- er beauties, and take every thing the au- thor says, for granted. On the other hand, he will be more likely, and better able, to condemn what he does not understand. In this latter case, it should be always clone by detaching, and perverting sentences, or, (which is the safer method,) in the lump. A good Critic, like a good Surgeon, should jdivcst himself of all feeling during an ope- ration. The common feelings of human nature forbid any Review to fail of success, which bears upon its pages the motto * Plus aloes, nam mellls babef.' There is too much JFUNGUSIANA. 165 monotony in recommendation, and praise is invidious. On this account, disappointed, turbulent, and conceited men, make the best Reviewers ; the first from their asperity, the second from their violence, and the last from their vanity. There are many things that justify the use of the knife, and saw, in Criticism. It is a vent for the spleen of literary malecontents ; diminishes the rapacity of Publishers ; leaves to the public the power of reading the few books, that meet with clemency ; and may eventually reduce the price of paper. The name of a Critic should be carefully concealed, because l omne ignotumpro mag- nifico :' and generally speaking, because like a mole, he will thrive best out of sight, where he is known to exist, only by his little labours. 166 FUNGUSIANA. There is one consolation in making books, peculiar to the moderns, which of itself ought to remove any childish scruples, as to the propriety of publishing trifles. Every man, who now ventures to meet the public eye in any species of composition, contri- butes his share of materials for the employ- ment, and consequent support, of numberless Reviewers, who, if the press did not some- what overflow, would be reduced to the ne- cessity of scourging the tender carcases of the rising generation, in some village school for a livelihood. Nothing contributes so much to pro- duce a fine critical acumen, as the ' nipping and eager air' on the other side of the Tweed. The literary blossoms of a more southern latitude, are justly esteemed frail FUWGUSIANA. 1ST and unhealthy, if they cannot bear the test f this < penetrabile frigus.' The dull phlegmatic nerves of the Cis-Firthian Lite- rati seem totally paralyzed by the cold high winds lately so prevalent in that quarter, which seem to threaten our steeples, and every elevated object, and which have ter- rified even the prognosticating spirits of all the weather-wise in the United Kingdoms. And this the more, because that highly ci- vilized corner of our Island, has been ever distinguished for its liberality, moderation, and respect for the sanctity of private judg- ment, from the days of the glorious solemn league and covenant,' to the birth of that literary compact, which is at the present moment so kindly and zealously endeavour- ing to effect a salutary and mild reform of 168 FUNGUSIANA. grievances and abuses , in religion, morality,, and that Augean stable, our superannuated civil polity. For these reasons, let the can- didate for critical fame procure a Scotch education, aspire to the rank of Scotch ad- vocate, abjure the errors and superstitions of his childhood, talk with abhorrence of our antiquated establishments, parliaments, hierarchy, &c. dwell with delight upon political organizations / indulge in dreams for the happy administration of new forms of government in the new zzorld ; never mention but with deserved contempt, the names of such laymen, as Bacon, Newton, Locke, Haller, Euler, &c. &c. nor those of D'Alem- bert, Grimm, Diderot, Voltarie, Rousseau, Gibbon, and Hume, without terms of ap- propriate veneration. This will have a last- FUNGUSIANA. 169 ing effect upon young coffee-house politi- cians, and college-students, who will imagine this new discipline, this radiance of Nor- thern lights, to be the most sublime and profound of all possible philosophy. Even more mature heads will regret, that they should have overlooked and neglected so much splendid knowledge, and exclaim, X '/M,I raro $t uros sysviro fia-v^ac. ttru;' Ov fjixv tj--nrat%at) /xaraev fts txv^ga ysveixv. But this alone will not make converts enough. It is therefore useful to adopt the policy of Mahomet, and hold out the fullest latitude of morals, with absolution for a little innocent licentiousness. Thus armed, and qualified, to support the good old cause, for the sake of consistency, and as a proof of 170 FUNG USI ANA* superior wisdom, it may be necessary to de- ery all writings of English authors upon the obsolete subjects of old English morality, religion, loyalty, &c. to ring changes upon the glorious paradoxes of the new school, and to condemn without exception the works of an English divine, poet, or politician, unless he seems to have caught a spark of the rising flame. Such an education alone can form the great critic, whose opinions will influence the wide course of human affairs, and lead eventually to every desirable refor- mation of manners, sentiments, and institu- tions. An ancient poet has observed, that there is no difficulty in all this r and as par- Eamentary reform is on the eve of execution, and as the church is now declared to be unable to defend herself, the patriot and FUNGtJSIANA. 171 critic may look forward to a completion of their wishes, when their respective merits will be had in request, and rewarded. The passage alluded to, is the following, which we seriously recommend to our Northern Critics, and the distinguished reformers of our time, as a frontlet or phylactery : acXXovra r^ P$io* /K.EV yag jo XA lift 172 FUNGUSIANA. WIT. IT is amazing at the present day to observe the perplexities, to which our forefathers were reduced in defining zcit. The sim- plicity of the thing deceived them. Every school-boy now knows, that it is nothing more than the art of making people laugh ! The summit of wit upon this principle is ' pun- ning.'' To make a good pun, therefore, is to be very witty ; and should be attempted by all, because none can fail. Puns, which are very far-fetched, or extracted from words by the most painful operations, should FUNGUSIANA. 173 foe most encouraged, as exciting most laugh- ter, and therefore being most witty. Per- mit me to offer a few of my own. To a friend, who lamented the increase of the < cacoethes scribendl^ and the great an- nual perdition of paper in this country, I observed, with a smile, and proper empha- sis, that the tiling did not appear to me in so deplorable a light, since it must be confessed to be a necessary evil. Upon the new coinage, a person of an avaricious disposition complained to me of the inconvenient size of the penny and two- penny pieces. Your remark, said I, shews you to be a man of snmepewwy-tration, and I have always given you credit for a penny- 'treating mind. I once asked a schoolmaster, if he knew 174 FUNGUSIANA. any thing of Botany, my wife's favourite study ? to which he replied, " No ! the only plant I am acquainted with, is the cane.* 1 < Recollect yourself,' said 1 ; < there is, I be- lieve, one more ; would not your boys, if present, say, that you knew something of the JRod'to-tender-'em ' (Rododendron.) I rode the other day with a friend as far as Cranford-bridge. We found the stables so full, as to receive only my friend's horse, which he was by no means backward to oc- cupy. In return, however, I seized all the hay and put it before my own horse, obser- ving at the same time, u Now we are even : if you charge me with monopolizing, I can accuse you of fore-sta!/ing." In a journey along the banks of the Wye, the day being very rainy, and the trees drip- ping over head, one of our party observed, FUNGUSIANA. 175 *hat he could not conceive, how the rain could fall so heavily through the trees. " Do not you know, sir," said I, " that this is a hanging wood, and why then should you wender at meeting f o many new-drops ?" On being told, that a certain tradesman had an excellent voice ; "A counter- tenor, no doubt!" said I. To those, wlio are silly enough to find fault with me for punning, I always say ; that I have never found any one, who dis- liked a. genteel pun? provided it was not pun- gent. It has never been' properly decided, whe- ther the best menstruum, or vehicle, for a pun, be along face, or a horse-laugh. There was very little wit among the an- cients, as may be seen from the very poor specimens of Paragrammata in Aristotle. 176 FUNGUSIANA. (ECONOMICS. THE consequence, the credit, and the abi- lities of every man should be proportioned to his house, or (as it should be termed) his establishment. Cicero has said, that 4 a house is a disgrace (perhaps we ought to translate it bore) to its master, if there be a solitude or wilderness in it:' which must mean this, that to the possessor of such a house, his own thoughts * N.B. I use the word in the acceptation of Xeno- plion, or rather Socrates, or, if you please, Ischomachus, whose conversation with his w'fe v.onk) Lv M-arc-ely in- telligible in high life. FUNGUSIANA. 177 make but < sorry companions,* and are there- fore very unfashionable retainers. The being sewed in a bag with an ape, a .log, and serpent, is nothing to it. There can be no respectability without a host of servants. They should be as nume- rous, as the buttons on one's coat, and stand us in the same stead, some for use, but the greater number for ornament. It would be a wonderful improvement in the arts of eeconomy, if glass-cases were in- troduced for the preservation of furniture. By such means, chairs, tables, &c. would be at all times visible, at least, without the trouble of unpinning their every-day co- verings, to gratify a stranger. As to sit- ting, lolling, or leaning, comfortably upon fashionable chairs, sofas, and settees, a mau v 178 FUNGUSIANA. might as well think of walking upon wine- glasses. They are made for better purpo- ses ; and nothing is so vulgar, as to convej the idea of comfort. Should I ever wibject myself to the pro- verb by building a house, I will have the inside chambers suspended from the roof in such a way, that the whole may be laid open occasionally for the reception of the few choice friends ; or else made so as to draw out like the box of a camera-obscura. Jn this case, it might become, if necessary, a garden, forest, or theatre, for what the provincial newspapers call a ' splendid fete.' FUNGUIIANA. 179 PROJECTS, HINTS, AMD PROPOSED SOCIETIES. I. To meet the emergencies of the present times, a plan for establishing a succession of annual parliaments, completely place- and-pension-proof, unbiassed by interest, friends, families, and feelings, and willing to sacrifice every thing to the public bene- fit. By this plan, it is intended likewise, to effect the speedy emancipation of those injured, afflicted, and persecuted Britons, 180 FUNGUSIANA. who are excluded from the traffic, liquors , and ribands of elections, by not coming under the denomination of freeholder, or pot-boiler. II. Memorandum. To discuss the propriety of proscribing all extraordinary rank and talents, that the obscure, ambitious, and dissatisfied, may have greater scope for their exertions, and less encouragement to calumniate. III. A shaving-machine, adapted to every spe- cies of concavity, or convexity, by the ge- neral use of which, the respectable frater- nity of barbers may return to their ancient practice of chirurgery, tooth-drawing, and FUNGUSIANA. 181 venesection. The great advantages attend- ing the use of this patent machine, will be very evident in the country, where its adop- tion will prevent the diminution of an ex- cessive population from being confined en- tirely to the provincial apothecaries, and parish-doctors. IV. A committee for the appointment of po- pular preachers in the metropolis, and all places of fashionable resort, who may incul- cate the delightful truths and precepts of the Gospel, without any of its vulgar denuncia- tions, and elucidate, and enforce, Christia- nity in a pleasant, gentlemanly, manner. V. A method of silencing malevolent tongues, 188 FUNGUSIANA. by rectifying the errors, improving the per- sons, and removing the foibles and frailties of great men, and thus leaving no handle for the grasp of detraction. VI. An office of fashions, supported by govern- ment, for the prevention of all confusion in the ranks of society, and confining the lower classes to an appropriate dress. This office must undertake to vary the mode of clothing at least every month ; and supply gentlemen of rank and fortune with the most exact punctuality. Any shopman, clerk, travel- ler, apprentice, or servant of any description, detected within the month with a suit of fashionable clothes, shall be severely pu- nished by fine and imprisonment, for so raor- FUNGUSIANA. 183 tifying an affront to the higher orders of society. VII. A plan for the more speedy abolition of the Church-establishment, by the erection of conventicles, and meeting-houses, in every parish throughout the United Kingdoms, by a capitation tax for that purpose, and by in- demnifying with liberal contributions those coblers, bricklayers, chimney-sweepers, bar- bers, carpenters, draymen, hucksters, tay- lors, &c. &c. who may prefer a life of pray- ing and preaching to the dull employments of a low vocation. N.B. All bastards sworn before a magistrate to have been begotten upon the nights of such holy assemblies, to be provided for by the parish, to which the 184: FUNGU81ANA. conventicle belongs, and to be in due time sent on the town, or enlisted in his Majesty's service. VIII. A society of Scotchmen, for the construc- tion of royal roads to knowledge, by which any man who has need of learning fora maintenance, may become, in the course of a few months, competently versed in history, physics, chemistry, mathematics, zoology, logic, ethics, statics, astronomy, geography, agriculture, rhetoric, medicine, law, theo- logy, poetry, music, heraldry, navigation, politics, botany, mineralogy,' painting, sculpture, architecture, chronology, hydro- statics, pneumatics, metaphysics, grammar, tactics, and mechanics, with the various FUHGUSIANA. 185 other elementary parts of a learned educa- tion. N.B. Critics, and country schoolmas- ters, prepared on the shortest notice. IX. A trepanning apparatus for the more abundant supply of materials, which may serve for brains in heads of distinction, dig- nity, and responsibility, whose situations were not acquired by merit, and which re- quire a considerable share of abilities. X. Proposals for instituting a great national academy, in which the sons of our noblemen and gentry may be properly instructed in that sort of education, which will be most useful and becoming to them in future life. 186 FUNGUS1ANA. In this establishment there shall be given lectures on the noble arts of driving, boxing, riding, hunting, horseracing, billiards, cards, and every game of chance, with the principles of betting, and compound interest. The terms used in the above arts and sciences, shall be fully explained by the professors, and committed to memory by the pupil. Literature shall be altogether omitted, as be- ing a pursuit very justly considered as vul- gar and pedantic in high life, and to which access is always open for the indigent ple- beian. N.B. Separate apartments shall be allotted to the mistress of each pupil. XI. A new Dictionary of the English Lan- guage, adapted to the noble art of punning , FUNGUSIAXA. 187 in which every word capable of a pun, by separation, dislocation, inversion, transla- tion, distortion, explication, defalcation, mispelling, various reading, &c. &c. &c. &c. shall be carefully, and faithfully expounded, and illustrated to the inexperienced reader. To which will be added, Selections from the History and Language of the Holy Scrip- tures, best calculated to excite ridicule in composition, and in common conversation. This part of the work will tend in a great degree to familiarize the lower ranks of so- ciety with the phraseology, events and ideas, of the writings of the Old and New Testa- ment, however superfluous it may be con- sidered by the philosopher and enlightened youth of the fashionable world. In the ap- pendix will be found likewise a political 188 FUNGUSIANA. cant-vocabulary, with an enumeration of all the watch-words of wholesome reformations, from the earliest subversions of governments, to the words bigotry, priestcraft, modera- tion, corruption, &c. &c. XII. Biblio-mastix, or the Critic's Assistant ; shewing how any book, however learned or ingenious, may be severely handled by the pen of criticism. Young critics taught the use of caustics, the whole art of burlesque, citation, parallelogizing, diatribizing, phi- losophizing, and how to fetch blood in a ten- der part ; with the mysteries of literary em- piricism. In the preface to this work will be given proofs, sufficient for any unbiassed person, that any man may write, speak, and FUNGUSIANA. 189 think, of Scripture, Religion, heresy, ortho- doxy, Protestants, and Papists, justly, and profoundly, without any knowledge of History, Antiquity, Greek, and Hebrew, writings of the SS. Patres, councils of the Church, &c. &c ; and therefore, that the dis- senters from the Church of England of every denomination, may be right without any of this learning, it being incompatible with the accomplishments of a gentleman, and too la- borious for men of business, or day-labourers, and the work of a whole life to become con- versant with it. XIII. Proposals for securing to the public ser- vice in both Houses of Parliament, a strong, stout, sturdy, disappointed, shameless, sa- 190 FUNGIJSIANA. vage, and pertinacious opposition, whose sole object and delight it may be, to thwart every project of ministers, by employing the time destined for matters of the greatest im- portance, in calling for papers^ censuring acts approved by the whole country, and throw- ing insurmountable delays in the way of the executive part of the constitution. XIV. A convention of the Clergy to take into con- sideration the propriety 1st, of relinquish- ing altogether the little respect and dignity of their office still remaining ; 2d, of ex- tending the pale of toleration, and modera- tion, by conceding all debateable points re- specting the Trinity, Atonement, Divinity of Christ, Election and Reprobation, In- FUNGUSIANA. 191 carnation, Faith, Works, Tithes, &c. &c. &c. in order to give greater effect to the te- nets of a more liberal and recent philosophy, at length happily dawning upon these realms of bigotry, and superstition ; and 3d, of procuring a proper supply of poor artisans, and labourers, to preach the doctrines, in- culcate the precepts, and elucidate the text of the Gospel. XV. A Quoting-machine , on a new principle, and superior to that used by Doctor Kare- comoon, by which any given quantity of the learned languages may be interspersed in a reasonable compass of English letter-press. Passages totally inappropriate brought to bear quite profoundly upon all subjects. 192 FUNGUSIANA. Plato and Cicero made to say any thing. Scarce and unusual works introduced by pe- culiar sliders. N.B. No quotations made by this machine but from the most valua- ble editions. FINIS. Harding and Wright Printers, St. John's Square, London. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 305 De Neve Drive - Parking Lot 17 Box 951388 LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90095-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed, A 000019905 9