'^>i^^K >^£^i'^: M' Ws^v^y THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES / yC(A-^ U-Ac^t, ■ /j^.4a^^ / SONGS AND VERSES. Extracts from Reviews. SATURDAY REVIEW. '•The productions thrown off by this ccc;;ntric muse ha\e all the merits of originality and variety. . . . He has written songs, not essays — such a hotch-potch of science and liumour, jest and literature, gossip and criticism, as might have been served at the Noctes Ambrosiann? in the blue ])nrlo\ir at Ambrose's." NOTES AND QUERIES. " The songs are rich in humour ; they are pervadcil by a genial view of human life, and they are an admiral)le mi.xturc of wit and wisdom.'' SCOTSMAN. " And even without the pleasing accessories of such an occa- sion, without the good company and all the .softening influences that come ' with the walnuts and the wine ' — in the cold day- light of print, the abounding and concentrated humour of these sunny social lyrics tickles the reader to repeated smiles, if not to continuous or audil)le laughter. . . . Oracefu! lively trifles convivial even to hilarity, but still always decorous, and keep- ing within the limits of becoming miiih. " GLASGOW HERALD. " If the general reader still retains the capacity for being amused, if he is willing to descend from the heights of solemn discussion and argument to kindly humour, not without a flavour of genial scholarship, then he will welcome this literary visit from an (Jld Contributor to 'Ma<;a.' " SONGS AN D VERSES SOCIAL AND SCIENTIFIC SONGS AND VERSES SOCIAL AND SCIENTIFIC BY AN OLD CONTRIBUTOR TO MAGA THIRD EDITION, ENLARGED WITH THE MUSIC OF SOME OF THE SONGS WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS EDINBURGH AND LONDON MDCCCLXIX PREFACE. A GREAT proportion of these pieces were originally published in ' Blackwood's Magazine ; ' some ap- peared in the ' Scotsman ' Newspaper ; and the rest were written for the amusement of a Scientific Club, or of a circle of private friends. They were received at the time with some approbation ; and they are now collected mainly in the hope of preserving or reviving in the minds of those who were then pleased to approve of them a recollection of the feelings that attended their first reception. 810296 CONTENTS. the origin of species the memory of monboddo the darwinian era of farming the origin of language grimm's law . stuart mill on mind and matter a flask of rosy wine I'm VERY FOND OF WATER THE PERMISSIVE BILL HALF-SEAS OVER A BOTTLE AND FRIEND THE PLANTING OF THE VINE GASTER, THE FIRST M.A. GASTER (a LYRICAL VERSION) BEEF AND POTATOES . A SONG OF PROVERBS . A SONG OF TRUISMS . PAGE I 6 9 12 i6 21 26 36 39 41 44 49 53 56 60 Vlll Contents. SONG AT THE SYMPOSIUM ON MAGA . . .63 HILLI-ONNEE ...... 68 THE THREE r's . . . . .71 O WHY SHOULD A WOMAN NOT GET A DEGREE? . 74 THE READING OF GREEK . . . -77 HOW TO MAKE A NOVEL . . . . 81 AD SODALITATIS HELLENICS SOCIOS . . .85 THE PROPOSAL OF POI.TYS . . . .88 THE PENNY OF PASES . . . . 9I LET US ALL BE UNHAPPY ON SUNDAY . . 95 THE THREE MODERATORS . . . . 98 THE tourist's MATRIMONIAL GUIDE THROUGH SCOT- LAND . . . . . .101 DECIMIS INCLUSIS . . . . . I05 SATURDAY AT E'eN . .... I08 O! HE WAS LANG O' COMING . . .Ill THE JOLLY TESTATOR WHO MAKES HIS OWN WILL II 5 HEY FOR SOCIAL SCIENCE, O! . . . I18 THE sheriff's LIFE AT SEA . . . . I23 l'envoy ...... 127 music of some of the songs . . . 129 SONGS AND VERSES, SOCIAL AND SCIENTIFIC. THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES. A NEW SONG. HAVE you heard of this question the Doctors among, Whether all living things from a Monad have sprung? This has lately been said, and it now shall be sung, Which nobody can deny. Not one or two ages sufficed for the feat, It required a few millions the change to complete ; But now the thing's done, and it looks rather neat. Which nobody can deny. A 2 Sojigs and Verses. The original Monad, our great-great-grandsire, To little or nothing at first did aspire ; But at last to have offspring it took a desire, Which nobody can deny. This Monad becoming a father or mother, By budding or bursting, produced such another; And shortly there followed a sister or brother, Which nobody can deny. But Monad no longer designates them well — They're a cluster of molecules now, or a cell ; But which of the two, Doctors only can tell, Which nobody can deny. These beings, increasing, grew buoyant with life, And each to itself was both husband and wife ; And at first, strange to say, the two lived without strife, Which nobody can deny. But such crowding together soon troublesome grew. And they thought a division of labour would do ; So their sexual system was parted in two, Which nobody can deny. M The Origin of Species. Thus Plato supposes that, severed by fate, Human halves run about, each in search of its mate. Never pleased till they gain their original state, Which nobody can deny. Excrescences fast were now tr}-ing to shoot ; Some put out a finger, some put out a foot ; Some set up a mouth, and some sent down a root, Which nobody can deny. Some, wishing to walk, manufactured a limb ; Some rigged out a fin, with a purpose to swim ; Some opened an eye, some remained dark and dim, Which nobody can deny. Some creatures grew bulky, while others were small, As nature sent food for the few or for all ; And the weakest, we know, ever go to the wall. Which nobody can deny. A deer with a neck that was longer by half Than the rest of its family's (try not to laugh). By stretching and stretching, became a Giraffe, Which nobody can deny. Son^s and Verses. '£> A very tall pig, with a very long nose, Sends forth a proboscis quite down to his toes ; And he then by the name of an Elephant goes. Which nobody can deny. The four-footed beast that we now call a Whale, Held its hind-legs so close that they grew to a tail. Which it uses for threshing the sea like a flail. Which nobody can deny. Pouters, tumblers, and fantails are from the same source; The racer and hack may be traced to one Horse : So Men were developed from Monkeys, of course. Which nobody can deny. An Ape with a pliable thumb and big brain. When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain, As a Lord of Creation established his reign, Which nobody can deny. But I'm sadly afraid, if we do not take care, A relapse to low life may our prospects impair; So of beastly propensities let us beware. Which nobody can deny. The Origin of Species. 5 Their lofty position our children may lose, ,\nd, reduced to all-fours, must then narrow their views ; Which would wholly unfit them for filling our shoes, Which nobody can deny. Their vertebras next might be taken away, When they'd sink to an oyster, or insect, some day, Or the pitiful part of a polypus play, Which nobody can deny. Thus losing Humanity's nature and name, And descending through varying stages of shame, They'd return to the Monad, from which we all came. Which nobody can deny. May 1861. THE MEMORY OF MONBODDO. AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG. Air — The Looking- Glass. "■ I "^IS strange how men and things revive X Though laid beneath the sod, O ! I sometimes think I see alive Our good old friend Monboddo ! His views, when forth at first they came, Appeared a little odd, O ! But now we've notions much the same ; We're back to old Monboddo. The rise of Man he loved to trace Up to the very pod, O ! And in Baboons our parent race Was found by old Monboddo. Their A B C he made them speak, And learn their Qui, qucz, quod, O ! Till Hebrew, Latin, Welsh, and Greek They knew as well's Monboddo. The Memory of Monboddo. The thought that Men had once had tails Caused many a grin full broad, O ! And why in us that feature fails, Was asked of old Monboddo. He showed that sitting on the rump, While at our work we plod, O ! Would w^ear th' appendage to the stump As close as in Monboddo. Alas ! the good lord little knew. As this strange ground he trod, O ! That others would his path pursue. And never name Monboddo ! Such folks should have their tails restored, And thereon feel the rod, O ! For having thus the fame ignored That's due to old Monboddo. Though Darwin now proclaim the law, And spread it far abroad, O ! The man that first the secret saw. Was honest old Monboddo. The Architect precedence takes Of him that bears the hod, O ! So up and at them, Land of Cakes ! We'll vindicate Monboddo. 8 Soitgs and Verses. The Scotchman who would grudge his praise, Must be a senseless clod, O ! A Monument then let us raise, To honour old Monboddo. Let some great artist sketch the plan, While Rogers* gives the nod, O ! A Monkey changing to a Man ! In memor}' of Monboddo. * The Rev. promoter of the Wallace Monument. September 1861. THE DARWINIAN ERA OF FARMING. Air — Derry Down. Oi FARMING'S not merely an art of some skill ; • It's a Science, or something more excellent still : For the Farmer has such a command over nature, You almost might call him a kind of Creator : Singing down, down, down, derry down. 'Twas long ago found that a Horse and an Ass Breed a good kind of beast for a mountainous pass ; But since Mules were invented, it never till now^ Was supposed you could breed from a Horse and a Cow : Singing down, down, down, derry down. But all nowadays to their lessons must look : So the Farmer must read Mr Darwin's great book, Who proves or asserts, and has credit from some. That from all sorts of creatures all others may come : Singing down, down, down, derry down. lO Songs and Verses. If this theory holds, and we find the right way, There's no end of the freaks that the Farmer may play ; Getting all sorts of products from all sorts of stocks, He may ride on his Ram and clip wool from his Ox : Singing down, down, down, derry down. He may breed you a beast mingled just half and half. From a fortunate cross of a Pig and a Calf; When you'll cut without trouble, so neat and so nice. Both your ham and your veal in the very same slice : Singing dow)i, down, down, dej'ry down. As now well established beyond any question, Variety's good both for taste and digestion ; And a Hybrid would prove a prodigious relief, With the fore-quarter mutton, the hind-quarter beef; Singing down, down, down, derry down. You must never lose heart if your mules seldom breed, Or if some of your mixtures at first don't succeed ; Mr Darwin himself would exhort you to wait. As he draws his own bills at a very long date : Singing down, down, down, dej-ry down. The Darwinian Era of Farming. 1 1 So, perhaps, when their practical worth you explore, There's not much in these notions we hadn't before ; For they'll scarcely come true (what a subject for laughter !) Till the great day of Judgment,— or say the day After : Singing down, down, down, derry down. THE ORIGIN OF LANGUAGE. AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG. Air — Let Schoolmasters puzzle their brains. "■ I ^IS not very easy to say X How language had first a beginning, When Adam had just left the clay, And Eve hadn't taken to spinning ; Or if we suppose them to spring Tongue-tied from the lower creation, What power cut their chattering string, Or prompted their speechification ? Toroddle, toroddle, torolL Some think men were ready inspired With lexicon, syntax, and grammar, And never like children required At lessons to lisp and to stammer. As Pallas by Jove was begot In armour all brilliantly burnished. TJic Origin of Language. 13 So Man with his Liddell and Scott And old Lindley Murray was furnished. Tgroddle, toroddle, toroll. Some say that the primitive tongue Expressed but the simplest affections ; And swear that the words said or sung Were nothing but mere Interjections. O ! O ! was the signal of pain : Ha / Ha ! was the symptom of laughter : Pooh I Pooh ! was the sign of disdain, And Hillo I came following after. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. t Some, taking a different view, Maintain the old language was fitted To mark out the objects we knew. By mimicking sounds they emitted. Bow, wow was the name for a dog : Quack, quack was the word for a duckling : Hunc, hunc would designate a hog, And wee, wee a pig and a suckling. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. Who knows if what Adam might speak, Was mono- or poly-syllabic ; 14 So/i^s and Verses. Was Gothic, or Gaelic, or Greek, Tartaric, Chinese, or Arabic. It may have been Sanscrit or Zend — It must have been something or other ; But thus far I'll stoutly contend. It wasn't the tongue of his mother. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. If asked these hard things to explain, I own I am wholly unable ; And hold the attempt the more vain. When I think of the building of Babel. Then why should we puzzle our brains With Etymological clatter ? The prize wouldn't prove worth the pains, And the missing it isn't much matter. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. In courtship suppose you can't sing, Your Cara, your Liebe, your Zoe, A kiss and a sight of the ring Will more quickly prevail with your Chloe. Or if you in twenty strange tongues Could call for a beef-steak and bottle, TJic Origin of Language. 15 A purse with less learning and lungs, Would bring them much nearer your throttle. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. I've ranged, without drinking a drop. The realms of the dry Mithridates : I've studied Grimm, Burnouf, and Bopp, Till patience cried " Ohe jam satis." Max MUUer completed my plan. And, leave of the subject now taking. As wise as when first I began, I end with a head that is aching. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. The speech of Old England for me ; It serves us on every occasion ! Henceforth, like our soil, let it be Exempted from foreign invasion. It answers for friendship and love, For all sorts of feeling and thinking ; And lastly, all doubt to remove — It answers for singing and drinking. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. February 1862. 1 6 Songs and Verses. GRIMM'S LAW. [In a late Ni(mher of the 'Anthropological Reriew' Grimm's laTv is explained in what is at least an ingenious jnantier. After describing an Aryan, or " articulate-speaking man," setting oni to teach language to some rude oxvners of the " kitcheji-middens " of the primeval age, ivho are supposed to be speechless, a distinguislied Anthropologist thus reports the result of the attempt : " But now assume the 200 [kitchen-middetiers^ io be mjiies, a7id follovj tJie leader of the Aryans in his first lesson to the crowd around him. Naturally he would get tlie crowd to pronounce after him some short syllables, such as pa, ta, ka, to illustrate the use of lips, palate, and throat, and very naturally the four or five me)C [or women more likely) just in front of him would pronounce ttiem rightly, but not one man in fifty can tell the real effect of his work on a crowd. On tlieir retumitig to t/ieir wigiuains, much •would be the emotion of risibility and imitativeness displayed tluit flight among the natives ; atid next morning the chances are that tJie jnajority who stood sojne distance frotn the speaker would liave fixed for ever upon tlie ivhole nation the ■wrong jftterance of ha., da, ga. Tfte main point of my whole argument is, that such a result would most tiaturally follow among mutes, but would never happen among speaking 7nen." — Extract from Paper read before the Anthropological Society by the Rev. D. I. Heath, M.A. — 'Anthropologi- cal Review,' April 1867.] Grimms Lazv. \y GRIMM'S LAW. A NEW SONG. Air — Old Homer, — but with him what have we to do ? ETYMOLOGY once was a wild kind of thing, Which from any one word any other could bring : Of the consonants then the effect was thought small, And the vowels — the vowels were nothing at all. Down a down, down, Sac. But that state of matters completely is changed, And the old school of scholars now feels quite estranged : For 'tis clear that whenever we open our jaw, Every sound that we utter comes under some .Law. Now one of these laws has been named after Grimm, For the Germans declare it was found out by him : But their rivals the Danes take the Germans to task. And proclaim as its finder the great Rasmus Rask. Be this as it may, few have sought to explain How it came that this law could its influence gain : Max Miiller has tried, and, perhaps, pretty well ; But I don't understand him, and therefore can't tell. B 1 8 Songs and Verses. Anthropologists say, after Man had his birth, . There were two human races possessing the earth ; One gifted and graced with articulate speech. And another that only could gabble and screech. The Aryans could speak, and could build, and could plough. And knew most of the arts we are practising now ; But the Dumbies that dwelt at those vile Kitchen- Middens Weren't fit but to do their superiors' biddings. So an Aryan went forth to enlighten these others, And to raise them by speech to the level of brothers ; On the Mutes of the Middens he burst with dclat, And attempted to teach them the syllable PA. This PA was intended to set things a-going For a lot of Good Words very well worth the knowing ; Such as Pater, and ttoXi?, and Panis, and Pasco ; But the Midden performers made rather ^fiasco. Scarce one of them all would say PA for a wonder, But each blundered away with a different blunder : Some feebly cried A, and some, crow-like, said KA, While the nearest they came to was FA or was BA. Grimnis Law. 19 Then the Aryan propounded the syllable TA, Which his pupils corrupted to THA and to DA : Even KA, when they tried it, they never came nearer Than to HA or to GA, or to something still queerer. So slow were their senses to seize what was said, That they never could hit the right nail on the head ; And the game of cross purposes lasted so long, That it soon was a rule they should always go wrong. Thus the Dumbies for ever said Father for Pater, And Bearing and Brother for Ferens and Frater : The Aryan cried Pecu, the Midden-man Fee, In which Doctors and Lawyers to this day agree. Jove's Tonitru sank into Old Saxon Thunner, Which the High-German dunderheads changed into Donner ; From Domo came Tame, and from Domus came Tim- mer, While the hissing Helvetians said Zamen and Zimmer. From Bvpa came Door, and from Ovyarqp Dochter, Which dwindled away into Tiire and Tochter; From Hortus and Hostis came Garden and Guest, And from x°^l came Gall, which so bothers the best. 20 Songs and Verses. The Old Aryan Gau was the Kitchener's Koo (Though some tribes were contented to call the beast Boo): If your wife in her Kapbux would give you a Cornu, The Midden-man said, " In her Heart she would Horn you." Such a roundabout race I can only compare To the whirligig engines we mount at a fair ; Where each rides as in fear lest his steed be forsaken, But he ne'er overtakes, and is ne'er overtaken. A theory seldom is free from a flaw, But the story I've told may account for Grimm's law : Though some others suggest, if the Bible's no fable, That Grimm's law was what caused the confusion at Babel. Down a down, down, &c. December 1867. STUART MILL ON MIND AND MATTER* A NEW SONG. Air — Roy's Wife of Aldivalloch. Stuart Mill, on Mind and Matter, All our old Beliefs would scatter: Stuart Mill exerts his skill To make an end of Mind and Matter. THE self-same tale I've surely heard, Employed before, our faith to batter : Has David Hume again appeared, To run a-muck at Mind and Matter? * " Matter, then, may be defined a Permanent Possibility of Sensation. " — Mill's Examination of Hatnilton, p. 198. " The belief I entertain that my mind exists, when it is not feeling, nor thinking, nor conscious of its own existence, resolves itself into the belief of a Permanent Possibility of these states." " The Permanent Possibility of feeling, which forms my notion of Myself." — Ibiil., p. 205, 206. 22 Songs a? id Verses. David Hutne could Mind ajid Matter Ruthlessly assault and batter: Those who Hume would now exhume Must mean to end both Mind and Matter. Now Mind, now Matter, to destroy, Was oft proposed, at least the latter : But David was the daring boy Who fairly floored both Mind and Matter. David Hume, both Mind and Matter, While he lived, would boldly batter: Hiime by Will bequeathed to Mill His favourite feud with Mind and Matter. We think we see the Things that be ; But Truth is coy, we can't get at her ; For what we spy is all my eye. And isn't really Mind or Matter. Himie and Mill oti Mind attd Matter Swear that others merely smaller: Sense reveals that Something feels. But tells no tale of Mind or Matter. Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter. 23 Against a stone you strike your toe ; You feel 'tis sore, it makes a clatter : But what you feel is all you know Of toe, or stone, or Mind, or Matter. Mill and Hume of Mind and Matter Wouldn't leave a rag or tatter: What although we feel the blow ? That doestft show there's Mind or Matter. We meet and mix with other men ; With women, too, who sweetly chatter : But mayn't we here be duped again. And take our thoughts for Mind and Matter? Sights and sounds like Mind and Matter, Fairy forms that seem to chatter. Are but gleams in Fancy's dreams Of Men and Women, Mind and Matter. Successive feelings on us seize (As thick as falling hail-stones patter) : The Chance of some return of these, Is all we mean by Mind or Matter. 24 Songs, and Verses, Those who talk of Mmd and Matter Just a senseless jargon patter : What are We, or you, or he ? — Dissolving views, not Mind or Matter. We're but a train of visions vain, Of thoughts that cheat, and hopes that flatter : This hour's our own, the past is flown ; The rest unknown, like Mind and Matter. Then farewell to Mind and Matter: To the winds at once we scatter Time and Place, and Form and Space, And Heaven and Earth, and Mind arid Matter. We banish hence Reid's Common Sense ; We laugh at Dugald Stewart's blatter ; Sir William, too, and Mansel's crew, We've done for you, and Mind and Matter, Speak no more of Mind and Matter: Mill with mud may else bespatter All your schools of silly fools. That dare believe in Mind or Matter. Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter. 25 But had I skill, like Stuart Mill, His own position I could shatter: The weight of Mill, I count as Nil — If Mill has neither Mind nor Matter. Mill, when minus Mind and Matter, Though he make a kiiid of clatter. Must himself just inoimt the shelf And there be laid with Mind and Matter. I'd push my logic further still (Though this may have the look of satire) : I'd prove there's no such man as Mill, — If Mill disproves both Mind and Matter. If there's neither Mind nor Matter, Milts existence, too, we shatter: If you still believe in Mill, ' Believe as well in Mind and Matter. Febriiary 1866. A FLASK OF ROSY WINE. A SEMI-SCIENTIFIC SONG. TO malc^ life's pulses gaily go, Not much too fast, nor yet too slow; And joy without dejection know. Were worth a golden mine. Then try with me the simple art, — If better views you can't impart, — • To calm the brain and cheer the heart With a flask of rosy Wine. Cognac may better suit with some. Or Gin and Whisky handier come ; And Glasgow long was fond of Rum When merchants met to dine : But Prudence there her part should play. The fire with water to allay ; Or take instead, to wet her clay, A flask of rosy Wine. A Flask of Rosy Wine. 27 The rustic loves a rousing bout With home-brewed Ale or bottled Stout : When these are in the sense is out, And wit shows little sign. For dull and dense his thoughts appear That's drinking and that's thinking beer : There's nothing keeps the head so clear As a flask of rosy Wine. The Poppy's gifts can pain control, And waft on wings the ravished soul, While dreamy visions round us roll. Where rainbow-hues combine : But sad reaction comes at last. And binds the helpless victim fast : Such gloomy shadows ne'er o'ercast The reign of rosy Wine. The Hemp, — with which we used to hang Our prison pets, yon felon gang, — In Eastern climes produces Bang, Esteemed a drug divine. As Hashish dressed, its magic powers Can lap us in Elysian bowers ; But sweeter far our social hours O'er a flask of rosy Wine. 28 Songs and Verses. The Tartar's steeds, alive or dead, Their master keep refreshed and fed ; The steaks they yield, like saddles spread, Are cooked beneath his spine : The milky mothers of his stud, Outdoing those that chew the cud, With Koumiss stir his stagnant blood, As if with rosy Wine. The Indian r.^ce of famed Peru, To mash their malt the Chica chew ; And Tonga's tribes the same way brew • What serves their Royal line. The Court collects at dawn of day, And munching sits and spits away : The Monarch drinks ; but, sooth to say. It is not rosy Wine ! A Fungus, on Siberia's plain, The toper's zeal can so sustain. That he passes the bottle again and again, And gets drunk on the filtered brine. Our liquor is not quite so strong. And won't so well the war prolong ; But much the fitter theme for song Is our flask of rosy Wine. A Flask of Rosy Wine. 29 Folks up and down will preaching run That Man should all such influence shun : They might as well forbid the Sun In heaven at noon to shine. We needs must seek, while here below, Some kind Nepenthe for our woe ; And what can softer balm bestow Than a flask of rosy Wine ? The banquet is not spread in vain. Nor instincts given to cause us pain ; Though Reason's hand should hold the rein, And taste our joys refine : And trust me, friends, for temperate use Those vine-clad hills their sweets produce, And Nature's self exalts the juice That fills our flask with Wine. I'M VERY FOND OF WATER. A NEW TEMPERANCE SONG. {Adapted from the Piatt Deiitsch.'l ApiaTov fjiiv vSiop. I'M very fond of water, I drink it noon and night : Not Rechab's son or daughter Had therein more delight. I breakfast on it daily ; And nectar it doth seem, When once I've mixed it gaily With sugar and with cream. But I forgot to mention That in it first I see, Infused or in suspension. Good Mocha or Bohea. Fin vay fond of JVafer. 3 1 Chorus — I'm very fotid of water, I drink it noon and night : No mother'' s son or daughter Hath thereifi more delight. At luncheon, too, I drink it, And strength it seems to bring : When really good, I think it A liquor for a king. But I forgot to mention — 'Tis best to be sincere — I use an old invention That makes it into Beer. Chorus — Fm very fond of water, &c. I drink it, too, at dinner; I quaff it full and free. And find, as I'm a sinner. It does not disagree. But I forgot to mention — As thus I drink and dine. To obviate distension, I join some Sherry wine. Chorus — Fn very fond of water, &c. 32 Songs ajid Verses. And then when dinner's over, And business far away, I feel myself in clover, And sip my eau sucrSe. But I forgot to mention — To give the glass a smack, I add, with due attention, Glenlivet or Cognac. Chorus — Fm very fond of "duater, &c. At last when evening closes, With something nice to eat, The best of sleeping doses In water still I meet. But I forgot to mention — I think it not a sin To cheer the day's declension, By pouring in some Gin. Chorus — Fm very fond of water : It ever must delight Each mothers son or daughter — When qualified aright. June 1861. THE PERMISSIVE BILL. A NEW SONG. i( T2)RAY, what is this Permissive Bill, X That some folks rave about ? I can't, with all my pains and slcill, Its meaning quite make out." O ! it's a little simple Bill, That seeks to pass incog., 'Yo permit me — io prevent you — From having a glass of grog. Yes I it's a little simple Bill, &c. If I'm a Quaker sly and dry, Or Presbyterian sour ; And look on all, with jaundiced eye, Who love a joyous hour : O ! here I've my Permissive Bill, You naughty boys to flog. And permit me — to prevent you — From having a glass of grog. O I yes, I have my little Bill, &c. C 34 Songs and Verses. If I have wealth or means enough To import a pipe of wine ; While You a glass of humbler stuff Must purchase when you dine : O ! then I use my little Bill, While wetting well my prog, To permit me — to prevent YOU — From buying a glass of grog. O ' yes, I tise my little Bill, Sec. If I'm a fogie quite used up, And laid upon the shelf; Who grudge that You still dine and sup. As I was wont myself : Then I bring out my pretty Bill, To impose a little clog, And permit me — to prevent vou — From having a glass of grog. Yes, I bi'ing out my pretty Bill, &c. If You can drink a sober drop, While I the bottle drain ; And as I don't know when to stop, I'm ordered to "abstain :" TJic Permissive Bill. 35 O ! then I've my Permissive Bill, Since I'm a drunken dog, 'Yo permit me — io prevent you — Enjoying a glass of grog. O .' yes, I've 7iiy Permissive Bill, ' But most her page can joy impart To many a home-sick Scottish heart, That owns afar the potent art Possessed by mighty Maga. The exile sees, at her command, His native mountains round him stand; In vision clear his home is near, And a murmuring streamlet fills his ear ; Till now the fast o'erflowing tear Dissolves the spell of Maga. But next let North inspire the strain : Ye Muses, ope your richest vein ! Though flattery goes against the grain With the master-mind of Maga. Without him all to wreck would run : A system then without a sun ! For his eye and soul, with strong control, Enlighten all that round him roll, And gild and guide the mighty whole. That bears the name of Maga. Then, now before we bid adieu, We wish, while yet the year is new. Song at the Symposiiun on Maga. Gj Succeeding seasons, not a few, To the noble North and Maga. May life's best gifts their progress bless ! May their lights— and their shadows — never be less ! May they lengthen their lease with an endless increase ! Or only then depart in peace, When frauds shall fail and follies cease, Subdued by North and Maga. /■'ebriiary 1841. HILLI-ONNEE. [/« the year 1841 Lord Palmerston Jutd a celebrated race-horse called Ilione, the pronunciation 0/ whose name became a matter of dispute on the turf. An appeal having been made to his lordship, he replied, to the surp>rise of some scholars, that it sJwuld be pronounced as if written Hillionnee. Apparently this view arose from his lordship''s having become a convert to t/ie system of accentual pronunciation. The ordinary English mode of pronouncing the name is that indicated by Pitt in his irartslation of tlie Eneid, Book I., ivlien lie speaks of the sceptre "That wont Ilione's fair hand to grace."] THE Whigs can boast of many a name, Great Normanby and Little Johnny; But far their foremost child of fame Is he that owns fleet Hilli-onnee. 'Mong- lords and legs a contest rose As fierce as e'er we fought with Bonny : From words it almost came to blows, And still the theme was Hilli-onnee. And some said this, and some said that ; No want there was of caco-phony : Hilli-onnee. 69 With short and long, with sharp and flat, They sore misnomered Hilli-onnee. Then one bethought him of a way To terminate this acri-mony; He called as umpire of the fray, The lord that owns fleet Hilli-onnee. His lordship, though a scholar once, At this appeal was much etonni ; But loath to be esteemed a dunce, He searched his books for Hilli-onnee. No doubt he well remembered yet Old Sophocles's Hanti-gontiee ; A clearer case he could not get. Nor more in point for Hilli-onnee. But firmer proofs he sought and found ; The Greeks, disliking mono-tonny. Had accents to direct the sound, And these showed here 'twas Hilli-onnee. He wrote his answer, brief, yet bright With classic wit and keen i-ronny, 70 Songs and Verses. And having quSshed the Tories quite, He taught us all 'twas Hilli-onnee. O Peel ! your guilt what tongue can tell ! 'Twas nothing less than rank fe-lonny, To oust a lord who talks so well Of heathen Greek and Hilli-onnee. Had I the might of Pindar's muse To sing the praise of Palmer-stonny ; The deathless prince of Syracuse Should yield to him and Hilli-onnee. Pindar, alas ! is in his grave ; But this good page of old E-bonny, For distant days the names shall save Of Palmer-ston and Hilli-onnee. November 1841. THE THREE R'S. YOU must own, Mrs Bull, that your family's large, Say, some two or three millions at least; And so many small children must prove a great charge, Which of late has been strangely increased. To their schooling, of course, we must carefully see, Or a slur on us both it will fling ; But, as all of the lot cannot gentlefolks be, Why, I think, the three R's is the thing. One lad must be keeping the cow from the corn, Or must wait on the wandering sheep : Another must double Cape Wrath or Cape Horn — A cabin-boy far on the deep. As soon as the plumes on their pinions grow strong, From the nest they are sure to take wing ; So their time with the schoolmaster cannot be long, And 'tis clear the three R's is the thing-. 'a' To read well their Bible, to write to a friend, And to cast up a common account. 72 Sojigs and Verses. This is easily taught, and though this were the end, 'Tis a boon of no slender amount. Would they learn Mathematics, or Grammar, or Greek, E'en supposing we gave them their swing ? Or would these make them fitter a service to seek? No, no ; the three R's is the thing. Would you deck out a daughter in satin and silk, Who must work for the bread she's to eat? Would you send out your maids to the cow-house to milk. With fine kid-leather shoes on their feet? Should your ploughboys, like folks at the playhouse, be dressed. As if only to dance and to sing ? No ! such tawdry attire would but make them a jest : So, again, the three R's is the thing. Then, my dear, there's a matter I've lately observed. Makes me sorely our system distrust : 'Tis that some boys are stuffed, while the others are starved, Which is cruel as well as unjust. TJie Three R's. yj^ To the general mass, to the average class, We should knowledge and nourishment bring : Give them plain wholesome fare, but let each have a share ; And for that the three R's is the thing. 1862. O WHY SHOULD A WOMAN NOT GET A DEGREE? ON FEMALE GRADUATION AND LADIES' LECTURES. Air — Argyll is my name. YE fusty old fogies, Professors by name, A deed you've been doing of sorrow and shame : Though placed in your Chairs to spread knowledge abroad, Against half of mankind you would shut up the road : College honours and lore from the Fair you withdraw, By enforcing against them a strict Salic law : Is it fear ? is it en\y ? or what can it be ? And why should a woman not get a degree ? How ungrateful of You, whose best efforts depend On the aid certain Ladies in secret may send : Clio here writes a lecture, Urania there. And more Muses than one prompt the Musical Chair. Calliope sheds o'er the Classics delight. And the lawyers have meetings with Themis by night ; O why should a Woman not get a Degree? 75 Yet, if Venus de' Medici came, even She Could among her own Medici get no degree. In Logic a woman may seldom excel ; But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell. Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law, When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw. ^She would blunder in Physic no worse than the rest. She could leave things to Nature as well as the best ; She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee ; Then why should a woman not get a degree ? Your tardy repentance now seeks to supply What your jealousy formerly dared to deny. You would open a byway where women may pass. And by which, if they can, they may climb to a class. But you seem to exact intellectual riches, Such as only are found with the wearers of breeches : So if I were to marry, the woman for Me Shouldn't try for a Class, or desire a degree. Your Lectures for Ladies some fruit may produce ; For a Course of good lectures is always of use. On a married Professor your choice should alight, Who may lecture by day — as he's lectured at night. 76 Son^s and Verses. And allow me to ask, what would Husbands become, If they weren't well lectured by women at home ? When from faults and from follies men thus are kept free, There surely the woman deserves a degree. Yet without a degree see how well the Sex knows How to bind up our wounds and to lighten our woes ! They need no Doctor's gown their fair limbs to enwrap, They need ne'er hide their locks in a Graduate's cap. Then I wonder a woman, the Mistress of Hearts, Would descend to aspire to be Master of Arts : A Ministering Angel in Woman we see, And an Angel should covet no other Degree. THE READING OF GREEK. A SONG FOR A HELLENIC CLUB. Air — Lillibiilero. THIS life is a medley of good and of ill. A strange alternation of joy and of grief; Its maladies baffle both potion and pill, Yet I've found out a cure that will give us relief. Its aid if you borrow, 'Twill banish your sorrow. And brighten your path when the prospect is bleak ; In short, it will be a Complete panacea— And it simply consists in the Reading of Greek. The worst of our evils spring out of the mind — We're proud and resentful, we're sordid and vain ; Take a course of my medicine, and quickly you'll find, Of every such ailment you'll cease to complain. A winter and summer Of Plato and Homer 78 So7igs and Verses. Will make you quite strong where at present you're weak ; With you or your daughters, The Kissingen waters Might well be exchanged for the Reading of Greek. If rage and revenge are the bane of your life, In the wrath of Achilles a beacon you'll see ; If you'd be a good husband and cherish your wife, Ulysses and Hector your models may be. The foul-mouthed Thersites So brimful of spite is That nobody here to be like him would seek ; While the beautiful Helen A story is telling That reads us a lesson in Reading our Greek. The truths that old Homer so gloriously sung, The spirit of Plato as nobly has said ; The sweets of Hymettus distil from his tongue. And a half-divine halo encircles his head. Of love and of beauty. Of drinking and duty. He makes his own Socrates worthily speak ; The famous old codger, A regular dodger. Will teach you some tricks in your Reading of Greek. V The Reading of Greek. 79 What follies some wise-looking people commit, Whose fault is a thickness of blood or of skull ! Impervious to laughter and proof against wit, Their dreary existence flows ditch-like and dull. Now there's nothing on earth, sir, Conduces to mirth, sir. Like the Old Comic vein of fun, frolic, and freak ; And although to our cost, sir, Margites is lost, sir, Aristophanes lives for our Reading in Greek. Then see how around us there everywhere reigns A shopkeeping spirit so keen and intense. That nobody's valued except for his gains, And all things are weighed by pounds, shillings, and pence ! With a view to abate, sir, A nuisance so great, sir, And Parliament purge of the huckstering clique, I'd make every new Member, Each month of November, Pass through Donaldson's* hands for the Reading of Greek. * Dr Donaldson, at one time an Examiner for the University, now Rector of the High School of Edinburgh. 8o Songs and Verses. To you, my fair friends, let me now recommend The charming example of Lady Jane Grey : To the good of both sexes such conduct would tend, For lovers will follow where you lead the way. In the gaily-filled ball-room, Or pleasanter small room, The blush would be brought to the dandy's pale cheek, If his partner would try him With Paris and Priam, And hackle him well on the Reading of Greek. What a blest Revolution we then should behold. When true Wisdom and Wit had enlivened us all ! When the Good and the Fair should their treasures unfold, And the three-volume Novel should go to the Wall. But don't overdo it ; Bring Common-sense to it : No pedants in petticoats here I'd bespeak : But let household employments. And social enjoyments. Alternate bear sway with the Reading of Greek. HOW TO MAKE A NOVEL. A SENSATIONAL SONG. Air — Bob and Joan. . TRY with me and mix What will make a Novel, All hearts to transfix In house or hall or hovel. * Put the caldron on, Set the bellows blowing, We'll produce anon Something- worth the showing. Toora-loora-loo, &.c. Never mind -^^owxplotj 'Tisn't worth the trouble : Throw into the pot What will boil and bubble. Character's a jest ; What's the use of study ? F 82 Songs and Verses. All will stand the test That's black enough and bloody. Toora-loora, &c. Here's the ' Newgate Guide,' Here's the ' Causes Cdl^bres;' Tumble in beside, Pistol, gun, and sabre. TAese Police reports, Those Old Bailey trials, Horrors of all sorts, To match the Seven Vials.* ^ . Toora-loora, &c. Down into a well. Lady, thrust your lover; Truth as some folks tell, There he may discover. Stepdames, sure though slow, Rivals of your daughters, Bring, us from below Styx and all its waters. Toora-loora, &c, * Seven Dials ? — Printer's Deinl. Hozv to make a Novel. Zi Crime, that breaks all bounds, Bigamy and arson ; Poison, blood, and wounds, Will carry well the farce on. Now it's just in shape ; Yet, with fire and murder, Treason, too, and rape Might help it all. the further. Toora-loora, &c. Or, by way of change, In your wild narration Choose adventures strange Of fraud and personation. Make the job complete ; Let your vile assassin Rob and forge and cheat, For his victim passin'. Toora-loora, &c. Tame is Virtue's school ; Paint, as more effective. Villain, knave, and fool. With always a Detective. 84 Songs and Verses. Hate for Love may sit ; Gloom will do for Gladness, Banish Sense and Wit, And dash in lots of Madness. Toora-loora, &c. Stir the broth about ; Keep the furnace glowing : Soon we'll pour it out In three bright volumes flowing. Some may jeer and jibe ; We know where the Shop is, Ready to subscribe For a thousand copies! Toora-loora-loo, Toora-loora-leddy J Now the dish will do. Now the Novels ready I AD SODALITATIS HELLENICS SOCIOS, CARMEN MELODIC APTATUM SCOTIC^, Cui TITULUS — Oer the Muir among the Heather. CELEBREMUS, O ! sodales, Noctes has conviviales : Vel legend 0, vel bibendo, Non invenietis tales. Libri Grasci hie volvuntur : Fratres legunt et loquuntur : Ridet jocus ; adest coquus ; Et liquores consumuntur. Ut perfecta sit doctrina, Magnam opem fert culina ; Is qui sapit coenam capit, Et prudenter sumit vina. 86 So Jigs and Verses. Has sunt epulse divinas, Ala, pectus, crus,— gallinas : Fricta frusta, blanda crusta, Ostreasque submarince. Interim invadit sitis, Quce levatur fructu vitis, Vel Hispano, vel Germano, Dum sit fortis et sit mitis. At quum dapes sunt finitas, Gutta parva aquae vitse Dat calorem, dat vigorem, Saltern si sit mixta rit&. HcB dum voluptates placent, Carmina non spreta jacent : Sic impleti, sumus Iseti, Et Camaenae raro tacent. Ou^jm receptum jam sit satis Vini, cibi, grsecitatis, His pro donis, O ! quam bonis, Gratias agamus Fatis. I Ad Sodalitatis Hdleiiicce Socios. 8y Quisque tunc ad suum tectum Abeat, et petat lectum ; Ut profundo et jucundo Corpus somno sit refectum. Magnum denique clamorem, Hujus coetus in honorem, Excitemus, et laudemus Clarum ejus Fundatorem. Note. — Coiwhiales, it is believed, would be a better word in the second line than convh'iales, if it would only sing and sound as well. But the Latinity of the song throughout is not meant to be warranted as rising above that standard which goes by the name of Canine. THE PROPOSAL OF POLTYS. ndArv!, 6 ©paKuiv Ba<7tAevj, ev tiZ TpwlKu) TroXefiui, Trpetr/Sevcro/ieVtuj' jrpbs auTor afxa tu>v Tpojojv KaX ruiv A;(ata»r, €KeAeva"e Toj/ AAe^arSpof, a7ro5drra Ti)c 'EAeV)]i', 6uo Trap' auToO AajSeii/ KoAas yucaricas. Plutarchi Apophthegmata* Air — 0/ Londoti is a fine town. O! POLTYS was a man of peace, and loved a quiet life ; His neighbours, too, he tried to keep from bloodshed and from strife. He flourished in the famous times that saw the Trojan war, But held aloof from war's alarms, and viewed the fight afar. The Trojans, and the Grecians too, by every trick did try To win o'er Poltys to their side, and make him an ally : * See also Prior's " Alma, ' The Proposal of Poltys. 89 For Poltys was a king of Thrace, and lived betwixt the two, And embassies arrived to him with every wind that blew. But Poltys said : " The case is this, that Paris, that young scamp. Has wheedled Menelaus' wife, and got her to decamp : And Menelaus wants her back, though I would not do so, For when a wife resolves to run, I'd always let her go. " Yet I've a plan by which, I think, much mischief may be saved, For I've two comely Wives to spare, extremely well- behaved. These dames on Paris I'll bestow, if Helen he'll restore ; And if he is not quite a fool, he'll never ask for more. " He likes the wives of other men, but here are two for one ; And surely that's a fair exchange, so then the thing is done. The man will have his mare again, and strife and trouble cease. And all of you, and Poltys too, may live and die in peace." 90 Songs dud Verses. This plan, no doubt, if followed out, had saved much grief and wrong ; But Homer would have wanted then the subject of his song. He never would have Hector known, or heard of Andro-mkch^,* Might ne'er have been traduced by Pope, or overset by Blackie. And then if Homer had not sung, we might have had no Greek, And Plato and the Stagyrite might still have been to seek. A poet Virgil ne'er had been but for his predecessor, And where were modern Athens now without her Greek Professor ? Then though so many heroes fell upon the Trojan plain, The Iliad and the Odyssey have made the loss a gain ; And that old Maxim may be true, by some so stoutly pressed. That on the whole, and in the end, whatever is IS BEST. * See Swift. THE PENNY OF PASES, Pasetis semioboliis. — Ex Erasmi Adagiis. Tradunt Paseiem quendam prcestigiartan et magiie peritid pritnum notnen meniisse. — Emebat autem freqtienter, pretiutnque rei nutnerabat : vernm 7nox nwmnus, no7i apud venditorem, sed apud Paseieui, reperie- baiur. — Sic etiam apud Suidam vo. Pases. Air — Abraham N'rojland, WHAT ills we endure When condemned to be poor, Doesn't need to be told in fine phrases ; Nor how matters would mend Were a Fairy our friend, Who would give us the Penny of Pases. O ! for the Penny of Pases ! The miraculous Penny of Pases ! ^ When he paid it away. Ere a word you could say, It was back in the pocket of Pases. 92 Songs and Verses. It is certain that many By turning a penny Get wealth that all people amazes : And so We might grow rich, To a wonderful pitch, Just by turning the Penny of Pases. The astonishing Penny of Pases ! I can never enough sing its praises ; No figures could count The prodigious amount We might raise by the Penny of Pases. But I wouldn't as yet Pay the National debt, Which I think one of Stuart Mill's crazes; Nor in luxury wallow, And guzzle and swallow All I got from the Penny of Pases. When I think of the Penny of Pases, My breast with benevolence blazes : Such good I would do. Such fine projects pursue, When possessed of the Penny of Pases. Men of wit and of worth, jj The true salt of the earth, Then should ride in their coaches and chaises; TJie Penny of Pases. 93 All moneyless merit Should freely inherit A share of my Penny of Pases. With the help of the Penny of Pases. The beef of yon bullock that grazes Should soon fatten all those Who walk loose in their clo'es For want of the Penny of Pases. I would lavish my dollars On Poets and Scholars ; I'd put Art on a liberal basis : Scientific Inventors Should hold some debentures To be paid from my Penny of Pases. The Church, too, should profit by Pases (If it shun all Papistical phases) : Poor Curates with charges Should taste of my largess, Enriched by the Penny of Pases. I would portion young girls Who would keep their own curls, And who wouldn't wear chignons or jaseys ; And, in spite of their dads, I would teach little lads Some things well worth the Penny of Pases. 94 Songs and Verses. If I had but the Penny of Pases, I would strew life's hard pathway with daisies The Saturnian reign Should be brought back again, By the use of the Penny of Pases. But a Voice seems to ask, "Are You fit for this task ? " And a delicate question it raises ; For I freely confess One might make a sad mess, Misapplying the Penny of Pases. If we look at life's intricate mazes, Perhaps he who piously gazes May a Providence see That is wiser than We, And that needs not the Penny of Pases. LET US ALL BE UNHAPPY ON SUNDAY. A LYRIC FOR SATURDAY NIGHT. Air — IFt' bipeds made up of fj-ail clay. WE zealots, made up of stiff clay, The sour-looking children of sorrow, While not over-jolly to-day, Resolve to be wretched to-morrow. We can't for a certainty tell What mirth may molest us on Monday ; But, at least, to begin the week well, Let us all be unhappy on Sunday. That day, the calm season of rest. Shall come to us freezing and frigid ; A gloom all our thoughts shall invest. Such as Calvin would call over-rigid. With sermons from morning till night. We'll strive to be decent and dreary : To preachers a praise and delight, Who .ne'er think that sermons can weary. g6 Songs and Verses. All tradesmen cry up their own wares ; In this they agree well together : The Mason by stone and lime swears ; The Tanner is always for leather. The Smith still for iron would go ; The Schoolmaster stands up for teaching ; And the Parson would have you to know, There's nothing on earth like his preaching. The face of kind Nature is fair ; But our system obscures its effulgence : How sweet is a breath of fresh air ! But our rules don't allow the indulgence. These gardens, their walks and green bowers, Might be free to the poor man for one day ; But no, the glad plants and gay flowers Mustn't bloom or smell sweetly on Sunday. What though a good precept we strain Till hateful and hurtful we make it ! What though, in thus pulling the rein, We may draw it so tight as to break it ! Abroad we forbid folks to roam, For fear they get social or frisky ; But of course they can sit still at home, And get dismally drunk upon whisky. Let 7(5 all be Unhappy on Sunday. 97 Then, though we can't certainly tell How mirth may molest us on Monday ; At least, to begin the week well. Let us all be unhappy on Sunday. THE THREE MODERATORS. [ H'rittt'ii OH tlie almost si»t!ilianeo2ts appearajice of three expositiotis of ecclesiastical views — tlie A ddresses by the Moderators of the Established and Free Church Assemblies of Scotland, and an Allocution at Rome by the Pope OH the state of tlie Catholic Church.\ Al'S.— Abraham Newland. WHEN a clerical set In Assembly are niet, They are apt to prove angry debaters ; So, their wrath to restrain, And due calmness maintain, They have men that are called Moderators. All Churches should have Moderators, And should choose them of peaceable 7iaturs; Much trouble it saves When some oil on the waves Can be poured by your true Moderators. But this good class of men, I'm afraid, now and then, TJic TJircc Moderators. 99 To their office of peace have proved traitors ; And too much, on the whole, Have kept blowing the coal, When they ought to have been Moderators. What a pity that Church Moderators, Like so many Vesuvian craters, Should send forth, in their ire, Thunder, fury, and fire All around these inflamed Moderators. I took pains to compare The harangues from the chair Lately made by two Reverend Paters ; And I read, the same day. What the Pope had to say — For the Popes are just Rome's Moderators.* The Pope and our two Moderators Are surely not three Agitators ! Yet it's clear that \\\t first, Who, I hope, is the worst. Is no model for true Moderators. One famous divine, In his humorous line, * The Pope and Cardinals, in their original constitution, may be said to have been simply the Moderator and Presbytery of Rome, the Cardinals being the supposed clergy of the City Churches. lOO Songs and Verses. Could not fail to delight all spectators ; But some thought to his tongue An astringency clung, Scarcely known to our old Moderators. The third of these same Moderators I wish may have some imitators : For Bisset to me Seemed the best of the three, And comes nearest our true Moderators. 1862 THE TOURIST'S MATRIMONIAL GUIDE THROUGH SCOTLAND. A NEW SONG. Air — IVoo'd and married an' a'. YE tourists, who Scotland would enter, The summer or autumn to pass, I'll tell you how far you may venture To flirt with your lad or your lass; How close you may come upon marriage, Still keeping the wind of the law, And not, by some foolish miscarriage, Get woo'd and married an' a'. Woo'd atid married an' a'; Married and ivoo'd an' a' : And not, by some foolish 7niscarriage, Get woo'd and 7narried an' a'. I02 Sony's and Verses. '^>• This maxim itself might content ye, That marriage is made — by consent ; Provided it's done de prcesenti. And marriage is really what's meant. Suppose that young Jockey and Jenny Say, " We two are husband and wife ; " The witnesses needn't be many — They're instantly buckled for life. Wodd Old married atC d ; Married and ivodd an' a : It isn't with us a hard thing To get ivodd and married an! a\ Suppose the man only has spoken, The woman just giving a nod ; They're spliced by that very same token Till one of them's under the sod. Though words would be bolder and blunter, The want of them isn't a flaw ; For mitti signisque loqnimtur Is good Consistorial Law. Woo'd and married an' a j Married and woo'd an^ a : A wink is as good as a word To get wood and married an' a'. The Tourists Matrimonial Guide. 103 If people are drunk or delirious, The marriage of course would be bad ; Or if they're not sober and serious, But acting a play or charade. It's bad if it's only a cover For cloaking a scandal or sin. And talking a landlady over To let the folks lodge in her inn. Wodd and inarried mi' a ; Married and wodd an' d : It isn't the mere use of words Makes yon woo' d and married an' a . You'd better keep clear of love-letters. Or write them with caution and care ; For, faith, they may fasten your fetters, If wearing a conjugal air. Unless you're a knowing old stager, 'Tis here you'll most likely be lost ; As a certain much-talked-about Major Had vei-y near found to his cost. Wodd and married an' a'; Married and wodd an' a' : They are perilous things, pen and ink, To get wodd and married aji' a'. I04 Songs and Verses. I ought now to tell the unwary, That into the noose they'll be led, By giving a promise to marry, And acting as if they were wed. But if, when the promise you're plighting, To keep it you think you'd be loath,— Just see that it isn't in writing, And then it must come to your oath. Wodd and married ati d ; Married and wood an a : I've shown yon a dodge to avoid Being woo'd and married an' a\ A third way of tying the tether. Which sometimes may happen to suit. Is living a good while together. And getting a married repute. But you who are here as a stranger. And don't mean to stay with us long. Are little exposed to that danger ; So here I may finish my song. Woo'd and married an' a'; Married and woo'd an' a' : You're taught now to seek or to shun Being wood and jnarried an' a'. DECIMIS INCLUSIS. " Many lands in Scotland are enjoyed cum decimis inclusis et nunquam antea separatis. A U our writers agree that sitch lands are free from the paytnent oftit/ies."—'E.KSKiNE's Institute. Air— Maggie Lauder. I'VE often wished it were my fatei Enriched by Fortune's bounty, To own a little nice Estate In some delightful county; Where I, perhaps, with some applause. Might cultivate the Muses, And till my lands, and have a clause CiiDi decimis inclusis. Wherever no such clause appears. You're doomed to much vexation ; The Minister, each twenty years. Pursues his augmentation. Like any fiend he grabs your teind. Unless the Court refuses, io6 Songs and Verses. And all are sold who do not hold Cum deciniis inclicsis. That strife to tell, would answer well This tune of Maggie Lauder, When half the Bar are waging war About the extra cha'der. But Outram's wit that scene has hit. And all so much amuses. That I refrain, and turn my strain To deci7nis inclicsis. 'Twould be a dry and dreary theme, With nothing ornamental. To tell you how the Interim scheme Adopts the Proven rental ; The Common agent in the suit. Objecting where he chooses. Is glad when he can well dispute Your deciniis inclusis. A friend of mine had such a grant. And did not get it gratis; But when produced, 'twas found to want The nunquain separatis. Deciuiis Incliisis. 107 An Heritor with sucli a flaw His whole exemption loses, And might as well possess, in law, No deci/iiis inclusis. Then ere you buy, your titles try, For fear they're in disorder: An Old Church feu's the thing for you. From some Cistercian Order. Demand a progress stanch and tight. For nothing that excuses. And see your luinqiunn aiitea 's right, As well as your inclusis. Then free from fear and free from strife. Your cares and troubles over. You'll lead a gay and easy life Among your corn and clover. The whole Teind Court you'll make your sport. Which else such awe diff"uses, "Augment away," you'll blithely say, " I've decimis inclusis." SATURDAY AT E'EN. Air — / gaed a waefu^ gate yestreen. COME all ye jolly lawyer lads who wrangle for a fee, -" »-»r.^-^ Now,la^i_asitle^so«-r briefs a while, and sing this tfe^!*^ Ct^tATO song with me : ^^i^^ M^^^rYor it's you, and you alone, can respond to what I mean, And blithely raise the song in praise of Saturday at e'en. Of Saturday at ecu, boys, of Saturday at e'en; We'll blithely raise the song in praise of Satur- day at e'en. Throughout the weary week we work, at morn, at noon, at night, And spin our restless brains away to make the wrong seem right. But our troubles and our toils they are all forgotten, clean. When we broach a flask from Cockburn's cask on Saturday at e'en. On Saturday at een, &c. Saturday at E'en. 109 To-night at last the married man enjoys his heart's desire, And with his wife and children dear surrounds the cheerful fire ; ^^^ ^/^- ,,^^. While bachelors repair to some gay and glitt'ring scene, Or court some bonnie lassie now on Saturday at e'en. 0}i Saturday at een, &c. Supremely blest among the rest, the Magnates on the Bench Can smooth their brow and venture now their ardent thirst to quench : gtdASt Even the Junior on the Bills 4id>iot stand in awe of Skene, Nor feaifi to scan the face of Mann on Saturday at e'en. On Saturday at een, &c. But would you know where most I'd go these pleasant hours to pass ; With whom I'd wish to eat my fish, with whom to drink my glass ? It is not with the Advocate, it is not with the Dean, But it's with some jolly junior lads on Saturday at e'en. On Saturday at e'en, &c. ^mm^^^^^^"^ no Son PS and Verses. y lang d coming : Surely he was lang d coming; What could hinder Lothian f When Lothian did his plan arrange, He looked for nothing new or strange : * Mr Edward Lothian, an excellent lawyer and an excellent man, was engaged in writing an Institute of the Law of Scotland ; but having kept back his book for more than the Horatian period of gestation (it was never published), a good many changes in the law took place, which, with some anachronisms, are sought to be here represented. It should be added that no one used to enjoy the singing of the song more than the Subject of it. ' 112 Songs and Verses. But ere he finished — what a change ! How sore perplexed was Lothian I But then he was sae lang o' coming, Sec. What powers the Admiral possessed, And what with Commissaries rest — Was all most learnedly expressed In this great work by Lothian. Bi(t why was he sae lang o' coming? Sec. How Services should be obtained Before the Macers, he explained ; No part of this dark theme remained Without some light from Lothian. But then he was sae lang d coming. Sac. The Admiralty Court is fled ; The Commissaries— gone to bed ; The Macers knocked upon the head ; A heavy blow to Lothian ! But what made him sae langd coming? &c. Election law he grappled fast ; But when he held it at the last, O ! He was Lang d Coming. 1 1 3 The Scotch Reform Bill had been passed ; A fearful shock to Lothian ! But why was he sac lang d" comiiig? &c. Of Sasines he had much to say ; But ere his chapter saw the day, Infeftments all were done away ; Another loss to Lothian ! But then he was sae lang o" coming, &c. He wrote on Titles and Entails : But little here his toil avails ; For bit by bit the fabric fails, And nearly smothers Lothian. But why sae very lang d coming? &c. In Teinds or Tithes he deep did search : But these, too, left him in the lurch ; The Liberals cashiered the Church, Just out of spite to Lothian. Bitt what made him sae lang o' coming? &c. H 1 1 4 Songs and Verses. Yet still he worked 'gainst wind and weather, Till Brougham one morning broke his tether, Abolished Scotch Law altogether, And fairly finished Lothian. Bt(t why was he sae hmg d coining ? Why sae very lang d coming ? Surely he was lang d coining j So good-night to Lothian ! THE JOLLY TESTATOR WHO MAKES HLS OWN WILL. Air — Argyll is my name. YE Lawyers who live upon litigants' fees, And who need a good many to live at your ease ; Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree. Plain stuff or Queen's Counsel, take counsel of me. When a festive occasion your spirit unbends. You should never forget the Profession's best friends ; So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill To the jolly Testator who makes his own Will. He premises his wish and his purpose to save All disputes among friends when he's laid in his grave ; Then he straightway proceeds more disputes to create Than a long summer's day would give time to relate. He writes and erases, he blunders and blots. He produces such puzzles and Gordian knots. That a lawyer, intending to frame the deed ill, Couldn't match the Testator who makes his own Will. 1 1 6 Sonzs and Vases. ^>' Testators are good ; but a feeling more tender Springs up when I thinl< of the feminine gender : The Testatrix for me, who, like Telemaque's mother. Unweaves at one time what she wove at another. She bequeaths, she repeats, she recalls a donation, And she ends by revoking her own revocation ; Still scribbling or scratching some new Codicil ; O ! success to the Woman who makes her own Will. 'Tisn't easy to say, 'mid her var^'ing vapours, What scraps should be deemed Testamentary papers ; 'Tisn't easy from these her intentions to find. When, perhaps, she herself never knew her own mind. Every step that we take, there arises fresh trouble : Is the legacy lapsed ? is it single or double ? No customer brings so much grist to the mill As the wealthy old Woman who makes her own Will. The Law decides questions of meum and titum. By kindly consenting to make the thing suum : The Esopean fable instructively tells What becomes of the oyster, and who get the shells. The Legatees starve, but the Lawyers are fed ; The Seniors have riches, the Juniors have bread ; The available surplus, of course, will be Nil From the worthy Testators who make their own Will. TJic Jolly Testator. 1 1 7 You had better pay toll when j-ou take to the road, Than attempt by a byway to reach your abode ; You had better employ a Conveyancer's hand, Than encounter the risk that your Will shouldn't stand. From the broad beaten track when the traveller strays, He may land in a bog, or be lost in a maze ; And the Law% when defied, will revenge itself still On the Man and the Woman who make their own Will. HEY FOR SOCIAL SCIENCE, O! A SONG FOR THE SOCIAL SCIENCE MEETING AT GLASGOW IN 1860. Air — Grecit graiv the rashes, O ! A PLEASANT week I lately passed In Glasgow town, — no, city, O ! With men of state and merchants great, And sages wise or witty O ! CnoKVS— Hey for Social Science, Of Hey for Social Science, O ! When wisdom, wine, and wit combine, They make a good alliance, O ! We met to show that all below To ruin fast is tending, O ! That laws and schools and prison rules Are much in need of mending, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. Hey for Social Science, O ! r 1 9 But though, no doubt, 'twas well made out That things are old and wheezy, O 1 O cursed spite ! to set them right Was not so very easy, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. Yet though the task may patience ask, We're here convened to try it, O ! To see if schools will root out fools. Or crime be cured by diet, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. The blood-red sun had scarce begun To shine out strong and hearty, O ! When up we rose and donned our clo'es To join Bell's breakfast-party, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. Delicious doles of meat and rolls Disposed to mirth and laughter, O ! The inspiring tea brought out Macnee, And others followed after, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. When hunger's rage we thus assuage, Succeeds the thirst for knowledge, O ! 120 Songs and Verses. Then, horse and foot, we take the route. And hurr>' to the College, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. Here in we press for some Address That lasts two hours or longer, O ! And if a word is seldom heard, The applause is all the stronger, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. The Section meetings next we try, Some worse and others better, O ! But if the days are somewhat dry, The nights will prove the wetter, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. That sense alone conspicuous shone I can't declare in conscience, O ! But great's the use to introduce A safety-valve for nonsense, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. A few who well their tale could tell Did ably fill the rostrums, O ! Hey for Social Science, ! 121 While many a goose his clack let loose, And quacks proclaimed their nostrums, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. Just ere the welcome hour of six We gladly cut our cable, O ! And in some port of refuge fix. Hard by a well-spread table, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. While all things good in drink and food Our weary souls are cheering, O I The ills of life, before so rife, Seem quickly disappearing, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. Around us eyes and faces bright Our softened hearts are winning, O ! Fair matrons in meridian light. And morning stars beginning, O I Hey for Social Science, O ' The best of Social Science, O ! Is when its power, in hall or bower, To Beauty we affiance, O / 122 Songs and Verses. With ardour fired, by love inspired, I rise and give "The Ladies," O ! And they who shrink the toast to drinl< May hang, and go to Hades, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. We talk, we quaff, we sing and laugh, Then part with tears and sighing, O ! And when at last the week is past We're dead with mirth— or dying, O ! Hey for Social Science, &c. But 1 ordain that soon again. These pleasant hours repeating, O ! We learn some more of Social lore At such an evening meeting, O ! Hey for Social Scietice, O / For genuine Social Science, O ! A summons here to re compear Wo7ildfind a quick compliance, O .' THE SHERIFF'S LIFE AT SEA: BEING PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF A MARITIME SHERIFF. Air — The Sailor's Life at Sea. » HOW gay is the Sheriff's roving life, Who from East to West can roam, boys : How pleasant, with, or without, his wife, To sail for his Island home, boys, {bis) Roaming here, Foaming there, Merrily, cheerily. Readily, steadily ; Many an hour of mirth and glee Has the Sheriff's life at sea, my boys. When the steam is up and the goods are stored, And 'tis time to leave the Forth, boys, The Sheriff gaily steps on board And steers away for the North, boys, {bis) 124 Sojigs and Verses. Steering- here, Veering there, Merrily, cheerily. Readily, steadily; Quite from care and business free Is the Sheriff's life at sea, my boys. But the vessel breasts the eastern breeze. And St Andrews Bay is near, boys ; And the Sheriff tries to look at his ease. Though he feels a little queer, boys, {bis) Pitching here, Twitching there, Cheerily, wearily. Ruefully, woefully ; Much inclined to make Dundee Is the Sheriff now at sea, my boys. Then the vessel nears to Aberdeen, And the plot is growing thick, boys : On dinner bent the rest are seen. But the Sheriff's fairly sick, boys, {bis) Cooking here, Puking there. Drearily, wearily, Groaningly, moaningly; The Sheriff's Life at Sea. 125 Plain it is he don't agree With a Sheriff's life at sea, my boys. Yet afloat once more, when the waves are calm. He tempts the treacherous main, boys ; And the Sheriff cures the coming qualm With a glass of good champagne, boys, {bis) Quaffing here, * Laughing there. Cheerily, merrily. Readily, steadily ; Quite intent upon a spree. Is the Sheriff now at sea, my boys. But the zephyr soon becomes a gale. And the straining vessel groans, boys ; And the Sheriff's face grows deadly pale, As he thinks of Davy Jones, boys, {bis) Thinking here. Sinking there. Wearily, drearily, Shakingly, quakingly ; Not from fear or sickness f-ee Is the Sheriff now at sea, my boys. So the Sheriff here must needs resign. For his inside's fairly gone, boys : 126 Songs a) id Verses. And he calls for a glass of brandy-wine, And to bed with his gaiters on, boys, {bis) Lying here. Dying there. Drearily, wearily, Groaningly, moaningly ; Prostrate laid by fate's decree Seems the Sheriff now at sea, my boys. But a joyful strain awakes the Muse, Which will quite efface the past, boys; For the Mail-boat brings the joyful news That promotion's come at last, boys, {bis) Cheering here. Jeering there, Merrily, cheerily, Readily, steadily : Fear and sickness far may flee, For the Sheriff quits the sea, my boys. Note. — This song, describing the imaginary voyage of a Scotch Sheriff to his maritime dominions, was written as a parody on the song of "The Sailor's Life at Sea," which was one of the lyrics so delightfully sung by Professor Wilson. Another parody, in a different style, and by a different but certainly not an inferior hand, appeared in the Magazine under the title of "The Bagman's Life on Shore," May 1838. f d-nljair. % I SEE how other men aspire, Who lofty strains can nobly raise ; And feel that this, my humble lyre, Must yield to them the meed of praise. But Mirth may come to Virtue's aid, When gloom the face of heaven would hide ; And Truth, in mirthful garb arrayed, Finds entrance that were else denied. Then scorn not thou the sportive lay. Nor judge it by the rigid letter; By smiling paths it winds its way. With covert aim, to make men better. MUSIC OF SOME OF THE PRECEDING SONGS. Original or Adapted. A FLASK OF ROSY WINK. ^^^^^^^ To make life's pul - ses gai - ly go, Not much too fast, nor ^ ^^ yet too slow; And joy with - nut de - jec - tion know. Were ^ - ^^J^— N ^ 33^ -d^-d worth a gold - en mine. Then try with nie the sim - pie ^^^=^ art, If bet - ter views you can't im - part, To calm the f^^ - ifcf^ ?P=f!= 4 ' /. ' /j V V ^^^- brain and cheer the heart. With a flask of ros - y Wine. J30 I'M VERY FOND OF WATER. I A }idante ^ ^±^ :^=It =f^ ¥- I'm ver - y fond of wa - ter, I drink it * *3> if^zztt ifvtzlt ^i S 4 • 1 -• — ^ noon and night : Not Re - chab's son or daugh - ter Had m :^=ps: > ^ ^ J ^^ ^ add there - in more de - light. I break - fast on it dai - ly ; i h > ^ .^ t=^=^ :|fc=^ ^-4-^ — * ■ f \ d d -d # And nee - tar it doth seem, When once I've mix'd it % ^— N-nV ^¥l p P it^^Si^ * — #- -* — ^-"^ gai - ly With su - gar and with cream. But I for P it=K S 3zi ? got to men - tion That in it first I see, i In - D.C. ^ ^^^^^^ fs±:f5 i^ _J ^ ^1/ /'JNJ^ *-zt fused or in sus - pen - sion. Good Mo - cha or Bo - hea. 131 THE PERMISSIVE BILL. :i=i3=±: ^=^ ^^^^ >» V -• •- -^ ^ ^ -4 — ^ — ii " Pray, what is this Per - mis - sive Bill, That some folks H ?!:=^ ^^^ w it=lltlj ^^ Ifs^nv; r-^-^-^ -* — ^ rave a - bout ? I can't, with all my pains and skill, Its i » J. ^ ^3^ t$ mean - ing quite make out." O! it's a lit - tie i t: i^-U_t^i= MJ t^zqv^ifs: I ) ^ J JS t sim - pie Bill, That seeks to pass in - cog.. To /?r - I it Q==?=J M^ D.C. -0 • •- =ftll^ • * — ^-J =5 S 4 mit ME to />rc - vent vou from hav - ing a glass of grog. 132 A BOTTLE AND FRIEND. & ^ m S • d :1V=^ fS s • -d When the even - ing of life comes with tern -per - ate ray To z:^=^ ifti:^ ^ if — ^— ^^ • ^ ! cool the hot blood that has boil'd all the day ; When our | =3^ lJ ^ SES ^S m -d • ^ ■ " 4^-* fac - ul - tits flag, and our fro - lies are o'er. And our S=l^ fazis: l^ ^^ l^=^civ: 3tZ=t ^-=1^- =t^^ fav - our - ite i - dols are wor-shipp'd no more ; May some so - ber S^EJ m ^ > . ^ ^ :1'5^=at jtii * rir plea-sures that sea - son at - tend. And Fortune still leave us — a 1^ :M^ t==:^ d • -4 — 4- S 4 -4 — • Bot - tie and Friend, A Bot - tie and Friend, A Bot - tie and i ift^.=^ -d — d- ^t=p: -4 d \ —^~th- t^=^- Friend, And For-tune still leave us — a Bot - tie and Friend. 133 THE SHERIFF'S LIFE AT SEA. g^^gj^^ How gay is the Sher - ilT's rov - iiig life. Who from K ^ , N -N :i^ ^ 1 ) • > d ^ \ ^ > e5= -• — m- t'=^^=^ Ea^it to West can roam, boys ; How pleas-ant, with, or with />is. I 1st time. I 2d time. ( out, his wife, To .sail for his Is - land home, boys. ft i^ P • W^EtE:!^^ 4—^¥- ^^=^— *— ^ Roam - ing here, Foam-ing there, INIer - ri - ly, cheer- i - ly, ^^^- fe=.-p=Tz±=^=:^ ri=^^ -• — • — r Read - i - ly, stead - i - ly ; Man - y an hour of m '^3^^- =i=S ^^S3 ^ ? 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