CO 
 
 o 
 
 >- 
 
THE 
 
 LONDON BAZAAR, 
 
THE LONDON 
 
 OR, WHERE TO GET 
 
 CHEAP THINGS. 
 
 A HLMOROVS 
 
 BY HUMPHREY HEDGEHOGG, ESQ. c 
 
 What bargains there are sold and bought 
 But, 'faith, I mean of female sort. 
 For, you must know, th' industrious fair 
 There get a living by their ware* 
 
 " Speak softly, sir," return'd the maid ; 
 " We shall be heard, I'm much afraid : 
 " Though I've of you but little seen, 
 " I understand the thing you mean." 
 
 " This is the thing ! could I procure it 
 " In fact I will ! if you'll insure it ! 
 " By heavens! 'tis fine," quoth he, "1 swear, 1 ' 
 Laying his hand upon her wara 
 
 LONDON: 
 PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY J. DUNCOMBE, 
 
 19 LITTLE QUEEN STREET, LINCOLN's-INN FIELDS. 
 
 Price One Shilling. 
 
THE 
 
 LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 r comic Muse, attempt again 
 To sing a bold Pindaric strain ; 
 For nought but Pindar's fire can shew 
 The Muse's object now in view. 
 J Gad, 'tis a topic strange indeed, 
 Yet fit that Tradesmen all should read. 
 Some bards of " Royal Nuptials " sing 
 
 Of gouty P e, of Q n and K g; 
 
 But I, a humbler bard, prefer 
 To sing of " London's fam'd Bazaar" 
 For who the devil would not sing, 
 To see so many in a string? 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 In every street, and every lane, 
 A dashing new Bazaar is seen. 
 But many do not yet perceive 
 What cattle these Bazaars receive; 
 What bargains there are sold and bought 
 But, 'faith, I mean of ec female sort." 
 For, you must know, cc ill industrious fair*' 
 There get a living by their <e ware ;" 
 At least the world says such is true, 
 And there's no doubt but what they do. 
 But more, to prove the case is dear, 
 You in a Dialogue!!! shall hear, 
 That lately was o'erheard in town, 
 Between a Miss ! of some renown, 
 One ec Captain Quiz," a roving blade, 
 And John, an honest man of trade. 
 This cc Captain Quiz," a rake for fun, 
 TL v in soliloquy) begun : 
 
 " Now for a stroll to some fine places 
 " Where I can quiz the Ladies' faces; 
 " But where the devil shall it be ? 
 " Hem ! stop I think 'gad, let me see 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 " I have it thank my lucky star, 
 
 " I'll haste away to some Bazaar ! 
 
 " For there are lots of "beauteous ware* 
 
 " For any body's cash, I'll swear. 
 
 " Though coy they seem, touch but your fob, 
 
 <f And I'll be bound you do the job ! 
 
 <e For well 'tis known Bazaars are made 
 
 " To encourage (only) female Trade 
 
 " And doubtless the ' industrious fair' 
 
 " Perform a deal of Business there." 
 
 Some time the Lounger stroll'd about, 
 Ere he a fit one could find out; 
 At length this rakish Captain Quiz 
 
 Into the Co gh pok'd his phiz ; 
 
 Where by the stalls ! so neat (not wide) 
 Th' c industrious maids' stood side by side. 
 Quiz ey'd them round, with sweet amas^^. 
 And wish'd himself a ff pair of stays," 
 That he might clasp them round yet stood 
 And thought that as it was he could 
 But eying more minutely all, 
 He fix'd on one, who at her stall 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 Quiz'd every youth that pass'd along, 
 And tempting sideway glances flung. 
 In form she far excelPd the rest 
 Quiz bow'd, and thus the maid addressed: 
 
 (C Celestial maid ! bright as a star ! 
 " Thou Goddess of this grand Bazaar! 
 " Not Venus' self excels thy charms 
 ' c Hail, Goddess, to my longing arms ! 
 ' f At this ! thy stall ! I come to buy 
 " A "thing! " nay, charmer, don't deny, 
 " 1 am resolved the " thing" to get, 
 ' e If cash, I mean, will purchase it. " 
 
 " Speak softly, sir, " returned the maid ; 
 " We shall be heard, I'm much afraid: 
 " Tho' I've of you but little seen, 
 " I understand the cc thing" you mean 
 " But, prithee whisper, sir, nor bawl, 
 " Or you'll disturb the neighbouring stall; 
 ' ' Or should yon keepers of this place 
 '* Observe a smile upon my face, 
 " I question much but they would here 
 " Approach, and quickly interfere. " 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 9 
 
 " I understand your meaning well ; 
 < f But mark! I am no " kiss and tell." 
 " This is the thing! could I procure it 
 " In fact I will! if you'll insure it! 
 " By heavens ! 'tis fine/' quoth he, " I swear/' 
 Laying his hand upon her ware ; 
 fe And 111 be bound, by acting deep, 
 " I shall procure it pretty cheap. 
 " Pray, Madam, what's the price of this? 
 ff Nay, nay, you understand me, Miss \" 
 " Good Sir, before I told you twice, 
 " You see the thing, and know the price ; 
 ef And you'll not, 'mongst them all so fine, 
 " Procure a cheaper thing than mine." 
 " O Miss! your price is much too great; 
 " A man may get in any street 
 " A better thing for half the sum." 
 " Pshaw, Captain, pshaw, that's all a hum ! 
 " Peel of the thing 'twill bear the touch, 
 " 'Gad, Sir, 'tis worth three times as much. 
 " You, Sir, must please to understand, 
 " The thing you see's not second-hand !" 
 " Though you so firmly such declare it, 
 ' e It has been f us'd/ I'd almost swear it ; 
 
10 THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 " It may've been us'd before, 'tis true, 
 " And yet, perhaps, as good as new." 
 " Nay, Captain Quiz, you may depend 
 fc Upon the honour of a friend, 
 ' c The thing is perfect ; this I know, 
 cc Till now 'twas ne'er put out for show; 
 " But females, Captain, now-a-days 
 " Must strive, and try a thousand ways 
 ff To earn their bread and we are told, 
 <f Our things to people must be sold. 
 <c Pray, Captain, take it, if you can ; 
 " What is the sum to such a man ?" 
 
 " Charmer ! with all my heart I'd buy 
 ec But what you ask is much too high ; 
 4f Say half the sum nay, say a pound ; 
 " Then if the thing you'll warrant sound, 
 " 'Tis mine and, Madam, you're a flat 
 fe If you deny a sum like that." 
 
 ee Captain, I now must needs declare, 
 (< You're no great judge of ( Ladies' ware 
 " But rather than your offer miss, 
 " The thing is yours for something less : 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 11 
 
 * ' Perhaps you will, another day, 
 
 " Want ' something' else in my ' small way/ 
 
 " Which will make up for what I here 
 
 " Must lose. Nay, Sir, the fact is clear." 
 
 " Goddess! the bargain now is made; 
 
 "' But mark ! no cash shall here be paid." 
 
 fc Not here, Sir ? Why, for mercy's sake, 
 
 " Can I not here your money take ? 
 
 " Come in, nay, Captain, who can know? 
 
 " And take the thing at once and go" 
 
 " There's danger in't, celestial maid ! 
 
 ' Yet I desire t'encourage Trade; 
 
 " So meet me, Love, at ' Temple Bar/ 
 
 " When you retire from the Bazaar." 
 
 tc Sweet Captain Quiz, you need fear nought, 
 
 " I'll bring quite safe the thing you've bought ; 
 
 " And at the place we now agree, 
 
 " You may rely on seeing me." 
 
 Here, turning from the Captain's place, 
 She tripp'd to all her chatting race, 
 And told them all how well she'd sold 
 Her thing though, mark ye, not for gold. 
 B 
 
12 THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 Quoth she " I'm sure a lucky jade 
 
 " As any female in the Trade ! 
 
 (C Not one, I vow, in this Bazaar, 
 
 ef At luck can equal me by far 
 
 cf It does depend a deuced deal 
 
 " On how you sport the thing for sale/' 
 
 " You're right/' another cried ; " I know 
 ec My thing soon sold when put for show ; 
 ' c And if reports about are true, 
 " There is not one in all our crew 
 ({ That has not had a speedy sale 
 te Nay, how the dickens could they fail ?" 
 Here rose another dashing dame, 
 Whose cheeks were fir'd with rouge's flame : 
 " Sisters, are these not charming places 
 " To show our things, and blooming faces ? 
 " Is there on earth a place like this ? 
 " Here we can smile can wink can kiss ! 
 <( Nay, any thing though, by the bye, 
 " It must be done upon the sly. 
 " Oh, 'tis a plan extremely wise, 
 " Though sure the most complete disguise 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 13 
 
 c c That ever f virgin damsel ' wore : 
 
 " But that says nought we all are poor, 
 
 " And must by our industry thrive. 
 
 fc To sell our things still let us strive; 
 
 " Think how much better, clean and neat, , 
 
 " Are we than those who're in the street; 
 
 (e Who sell their things for half their worth 
 
 ff Sure 'tis the snuggest thing on earth ; 
 
 (f We here can get whatever we charge, 
 
 ff Be it a sum however large. 
 
 f( See what great gentry here parade, 
 
 f< To give us all a f turn ' in trade. 
 
 (f Here we shall thrive for many a day, 
 
 " Should not our stalls be done away : 
 
 f( 'Tis very strange, I must needs tell, 
 
 ' f A girl may not her trifle sell, 
 
 " Without being interrupted thus ; 
 
 er Tm sure they make a useless fuss." 
 
 The crowd around here much iucreas'd, 
 And her low whispering chit-chat ceas'd. 
 The Captain now, with glittering lace^ 
 Was just about to leave the place, 
 
14 THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 When, turning sudden round,, he saw 
 A friend approaching the Bazaar, 
 " John Playfair "' was the person's name, 
 More fond of Honour, than a Dame ; 
 An fe Honest Tradesman " of the town, 
 1 n Justice's cause, of great renown. 
 The Captain, knowing John would swear 
 To find him wasting money there, 
 Endeavour'd much his friend to shun ; 
 But John overtook and thus begun : 
 
 1 ' So, Captain Quiz ! you've chang'd your shop; 
 tc Time was when you to mine would pop." 
 " Nay, John, I ne'er can be so base 
 " Without some cause to leave your place ; 
 et And to be frank, friend John I must 
 " Confess you've always acted just/' 
 tf Yet I offence have giv'n, I fear, 
 " Or what the devil brought you here ? 
 " Would any ' Honest Man ' be found 
 " In such a place to spend a pound, 
 " While ' Honest Dealers' in the street 
 " Stand still because no, custom meet?" 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 15 
 
 "Excuse me, neighbour, when I -tell, 
 " In here are things you do not sell. 
 (f Tis f one thing' only, brings me here, 
 " You see the thing, Sir, pretty clear." 
 
 ' ' On that, you need to say no more, 
 " 1 know you here may buy a score, 
 " Or more than that, but be not caught, \ 
 ef For bargains here are dearly bought : 
 fc At least the thing you come to buy, 
 " Is so you know the reason why 
 ec You money'd duns, and dashing blades, 
 (C Come here to purchase what ? why jades, 
 fc For 1 by neighbour Frank am told 
 " They stand on purpose to be sold. 
 (c These articles of " Common Ware," 
 fe When you have purchased, prove a snare : 
 (c For though they look from damage free, 
 " There yet are faults you cannot see/' 
 
 " There, Sir, you're right but since we're met 
 {f On other topic's be our chat. 
 " What's your opinion of these places, 
 f< Whether or not th' invention base is."? 
 
16 THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 fe What's ray opinion, Sir ? I can 
 cf Assure you, that no Honest man 
 <f Would contribute the smallest aid, 
 " To them while we in legal Trade ! 
 ff Turn Bankrupts and tho' more deserve, 
 fc Are daily seen almost to starve ! 
 Cf Yet, will the great directing Band 
 <{ Allow such evils long to stand ? 
 fc Will they no Resolution ! give, 
 " That ' Honest Tradesmen ' still may lire? 
 " Must their ' long standing shops' be clos'd; 
 cc Must Legal Trade be thus opposed ? 
 tf O Captain, where can be his eyes, 
 fc Who sees not where this evil lies ? 
 " A set of vile imposing knaves ! 
 Cf To honour dead, to av'rice slaves ! 
 ".Combine together, filled with vice., 
 " To vend their Goods for half their price. 
 ." Still hold a shop of dashing kind, 
 <f Th' unmanly coward, fraud to blind. 
 "..Here send a Daughter ! there a Son ! 
 " But change their naiiies, and all is done. 
 ' c Oh ! London, what a shame, that thou 
 (( Shou'dst e'er such impositions know. 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 17 
 
 ~ While Base Bazaars are suffered thus, 
 
 * To level on fair trade ' their curse/ 
 ec Our poverty must still be worse. 
 
 fe Yet they disguise the matter well, 
 
 " For mark ye what their ' shewboards tell/' 
 
 fc They say, f Here Stalls erected are, 
 
 " T' encourage the Industrious Fair/ 
 
 '' They had said right, if on their boards 
 
 " Were written these best suited words: 
 
 ' r ' This is a Mart ! contrived, and made 
 
 * To Ruin the Fair Dealer's Trade !' 
 cf Nor terminates its Evil there; 
 
 " How many go to ' buy the fair ! ' 
 
 " Thus 'tis the fair from virtue fall, 
 
 " Sell ' the dear prize ! ' they can't recall. 
 
 " Then let me to such men appeal, 
 
 " Who like myself this evil feel : 
 
 Let me but ask them if 'tis meet 
 
 f Such things our Ruin should complete ? 
 
 ' Not one who boasU an honest heart 
 
 " Wou'd in't be seen, to take a part ; 
 
 " Believe me, Quiz, it gives me pain, 
 
 ** When I behold such ' haunts obscene.' 
 
THE LONDON BAZAAR. 
 
 ff Thus much my sentiments you know, 
 
 " And what they are, I have no fear to show ! 
 
 " If then you wish ' Fair Trade ' success, 
 
 fc View it now groaning beneath distress ; 
 
 "' And swear dislike to each Bazaar, 
 
 " And strive to crush the evil., ere it gets to far.' 
 
 Here the conversant couple parted, 
 John ! almost mad ! and broken hearted ; 
 While c Captain Quiz ' with merry spring, 
 Tripp'd off to meet his new-bought thing ! 
 At least the thing ! he thought was new, 
 But if the fact stood clear to view, 
 The thing by this ' Young Trader ' poor, 
 Had been aye ! sold ten times before. 
 
 VAUXHALL WALK, 
 JW9, 1816. 
 
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