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following committee has 
 made it possible to present this 
 little edition to the fraternity: 
 
 Irvin C. Louis 
 Harry M. Wier 
 Samuel H. Pardue 
 Eric M, Leaf 
 Andrew M Strong 
 William P. Kelley 
 Walter L, Vieregg 
 Byron C. Hanna 
 Robert B* Murphey 
 George L. Keefer 
 Pierson W Banning 
 Paul Stewart 
 John S. Mitchell 
 Andrew M. Rose 
 Edward W. Todd 
 Henry O. Wackerbarth 
 Stannard A. McNeil 
 James E* Shelton 
 
Compiled, Edited and 
 Copyrighted 1914 
 
 PIERSON W. BANNING 
 LOS ANOEUE:S 
 
 PRICE: FIFTY CENTS 
 
 "Delta. Cl-sa Press" 
 
FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED 
 
 A Prefatory Word 
 
 In presenting this little offering, it is with 
 the hope that it may be the means of creat- 
 ing a closer fellowship among Delta Chis the 
 world over, and particularly those who may 
 come to Los Angeles, and the Nineteenth 
 Convention of the Delta Chi Fraternity in 
 San Francisco. 
 
 It has been our aim to have representation 
 herein from every chapter in the fraternity. 
 Such chapters as do not have their quota 
 have only themselves to blame, for every 
 effort was made to obtain their co-operation. 
 Again, lack of space is responsible for not 
 including others. The truth of many of 
 these stories we cannot vouch for. 
 
 Doubtless this little brochure is open to 
 varied criticism, but if it serves its purpose 
 and creates a warmer glow to the spark of 
 loyalty to Delta Chi, its purpose has been 
 attained. May it "Helpadelt." 
 
 Should anything appear herein to which 
 exception might possibly ^>be t^ken, we trust 
 that it may be overlooked!, for such we have 
 tried to avoid. Accept it in the light in- 
 tenderi; a ?mi!e smoulders iu every page. 
 
 The Delts of Los Angeles extend to you 
 a hearty invitation to visit them when on 
 your way to the Convention. We feel that 
 your visit here will never be forgotten. 
 
" 
 
 One on You' 
 
 1 . While Robert B. Murphey, of Los An- 
 geles, was attending the University, he be- 
 came quite chummy with a Jewish student. 
 Both were on friendly terms yet they spent 
 much time in discussions. One day they 
 were talking of the great men of their races, 
 and as one might expect, got into a heated 
 argument. Finally, Murphey said: 
 
 "Ikey, listen. For every great Jew you 
 can name you can pull out one of my whis- 
 kers, and for every great Irishman 1 can 
 name I'll pull out one of yours. Is it a go?" 
 
 It was agreed to. Murphey reached over, 
 got hold of a whisker and said, ''Robert 
 Emmet," and pulled. 
 
 "Moses," said the Jew, and pulled one of 
 Murphey's tenderest. 
 
 "Dan O'Connell," said Murphey, and took 
 another. 
 
 "Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself 
 again. 
 
 "Patrick Henry," returned Murphey, with 
 a vicious yank. 
 
 324103 
 
'The Twelve Apostles," saic! the Jew, tak- 
 ing a handful of whiskers. 
 
 Murphey emitted a roar of pain, grasped 
 the Jew's beard and yelled, "The Ancient 
 Order of Hibernians." 
 
 2. William E. Simpson, the youngest 
 member of the Legislature of California, was 
 talking with an acquaintance one day, when 
 he was asked: 
 
 "Do you not think it would be a good 
 thing if our legislators were limited to one 
 term?*' 
 
 Simpson avoided committing himself by 
 saying, "It would depend on where the term 
 was to be served." 
 
 3. Roy V. Rhodes, although a successful 
 attorney, devoted sufficient time to the direct- 
 ing of vocal music to make a big name for 
 himself. One day a stranger listening to 
 him sing, asked a somewhat jealous person 
 why it was that he always shut his eyes every 
 time he had a high note to sing. 
 
 "Don't you know?" replied the other. 
 "Weil, it is because he is very tender-hearted." 
 
 "What's that got to do with it?" carne 
 the query. 
 
 "Everything; he simply can't bear to see 
 how we suffer." 
 
 4. William W. Bride, an attorney, was 
 recently visiting some friends in another city. 
 6 
 
The youngster of the house one day said to 
 Bride: 
 
 "Do you ever see the President?" for he 
 knew that Bride lived in Washington. 
 
 "Yes; nearly every day," was the reply. 
 
 "And does he ever see you?" queried the 
 inquisitive one. 
 
 5. Dudley F. Malone, according to the 
 story going the rounds, was, following his 
 appointment as Collector of the Port of New 
 York, inclined to require respect shown him 
 in his position. One day he was sitting at 
 his desk when two men came in without 
 removing their hats. 
 
 Malone looked up and impaled the intrud- 
 ers with his glittering eye. "Gentlemen," he 
 said, severely, "those who are visitors to this 
 office to see me are always announced and 
 always remove their hats." 
 
 "Huh!" replied one of the men; "we ain't 
 visitors, and we don't give a hoot about see- 
 ing you. We came in to fix the steam 
 pipes." 
 
 6. One day, James E. Shelton was seen 
 by a client whose excitement was intense. 
 Shelton asked him what the trouble was, to 
 which he replied: 
 
 "He called me a liar, a scoundrel, a cow- 
 ard and a thief." 
 
 "And which epithet is it you object to?" 
 asked Shelton. 
 
 7 
 
7. J. Roy Choate is an attorney. His 
 family runs to medicine. He and his brother 
 often get into discussions over the merits 
 of their respective professions. 
 
 "I don't say that all lawyers are villains," 
 said his brother, "but you'll have to admit 
 that your profession doesn't make angels of 
 men/* 
 
 "No," replied Roy, "you doctors certainly 
 have the best of us there." 
 
 8. William Jennings Bryan surprised 
 every one the other day by announcing he 
 had lost $250 the night before. 
 
 "I hope that you did not lose it through 
 speculation, chief," said his secretary, Man- 
 ton Wyvell. 
 
 "No, nothing like that," said the honor- 
 able, "merely by talking in my sleep last 
 night without an audience." 
 
 9. Ephraim Banning, a Chicago attorney, 
 is well known in patent law and its litiga- 
 tion. Recently he had an unusually peculiar 
 experience. An artist called on him wishing 
 to get protection for his latest masterpiece. 
 When asked by Banning to see what he had, 
 a blank piece of canvas was displayed, 
 which he announced was his masterpiece. 
 
 "And what does it represent?" asked Eph- 
 raim Banning. 
 
 "That? Why, that represents the passage 
 of the Jews through the Red Sea." 
 
 "I don't quite see it. Where is the Red 
 Sea?" was Ephraim's query. 
 8 
 
"It has been driven back," replied the 
 artist. 
 
 "And where are the Jews?*' Ephraim 
 asked. 
 
 "They have crossed over," explained the 
 genius. 
 
 "And the Egyptians I don't see either," 
 said Ephraim. 
 
 "They are coming; they will be here di- 
 rectly. That's the sort of a painting I like; 
 ^ simple, suggestive and unpretentious," said 
 the client. 
 
 1 0. Harry H. Barnum, a Chicago lawyer, 
 
 had a client, an old codger who had to have 
 
 several suits pending at one time in order 
 
 to be happy. Following the death of this 
 
 client, several attorneys were talking about 
 
 his various proceedings. One of them said: 
 
 "The old gent had just won a case in the 
 
 court, through the hard work of Barnum, 
 
 when the loser in a very combative frame of 
 
 id, exclaimed: 
 
 Til law you out of the Circuit Court.' 
 "The old man retorted, Til be there.' 
 
 'And I'll law you out of the Supreme 
 Court,' came the rejoinder. 
 
 Til be there, too,' again replied the old 
 man. 
 
 "Exasperated by the promptness with 
 which the old man always replied, he said, 
 Til law you to h 11!' 
 
 'My attorney will be there,' he snapped." 
 9 
 
1 1 . One day at the County Fair, two 
 ranchers noticed Ingle Carpenter, who wears 
 a beard. Apparently they mistook Carpenter 
 for some public man, for he overheard them 
 say: 
 
 "Don't you see a great resemblance be- 
 tween him and Abraham Lincoln?" 
 
 "I suppose there is a resemblance,*' re- 
 plied the other. "Every man who wears a 
 beard thinks he looks like Lincoln, and every 
 man who doesn't thinks he looks like Wash- 
 ington." 
 
 1 2. William McKinley, speaker of the 
 House in Illinois, was one day coming down 
 the State House steps, when a man drove 
 up, got out, and said: 
 
 "Would you mind holding my horse for 
 a minute, please?" 
 
 "Sir! I'm speaker of the House!" replied 
 
 Bill. 
 
 "Never mind that; you look honest; I'll 
 take a chance," cames the reply. 
 
 13. Johnnie Kuhn, of Brooklyn, was one 
 evening at a banquet where a well-known 
 priest was present. Johnnie thought he would 
 have some fun with the priest, whom he knew 
 very well. 
 
 "Suppose, Father Dennis," he impressive- 
 ly remarked, "that all the priests and old 
 Satan were to have a lawsuit, which do you 
 think would win?" 
 
 10 
 
"No question could be more easily an- 
 swered," came the prompt reply of the 
 priest. "Old Satan would win, most as- 
 suredly !*' 
 
 "You don't really mean it," replied John- 
 nie. "Why are you so positive?" 
 
 "Because," came the smiling rejoiner of 
 the priest, "he would have all the lawyers on 
 his side." 
 
 1 4. Johnnie Hill, at one time private sec- 
 retary of the chief of police of Los Angeles, 
 was one day given charge of entertaining a 
 Texas sheriff who had come to headquarters 
 to get a prisoner to take back with him. 
 There was half a day to spend before leaving 
 for home. Johnnie decided to show him 
 through the bad part of town. In one place 
 they saw a number of "dips." After a few 
 moments, Johnnie called one of the crooks 
 to him, and said : 
 
 "See that tall man with the sombrero?" 
 
 "Yes; what about him?" he asked. 
 
 "He's a Texas bull I'm showing around and 
 I think it would be a fine thing if you could 
 nick him for his ticker," said Johnnie. 
 
 "Nix; you're trying to put me in bad," 
 said the crook. 
 
 "Nothing like that; purely a joke, that's 
 all. To show you I'm on the level, I give 
 you my word that you won't get in trouble 
 and I'll give you five dollars for his watch," 
 urged Johnnie. 
 
 "Is that so?" 
 
 11 
 
"Yes," he replied. 
 "Well then, here it is." 
 
 15. They are telling the following on 
 Clifton E. Brooks, an attorney of Oakland. 
 One day Cliff was waiting on a corner for a 
 car. Two men passed him, when one said 
 to the other: 
 
 "Who is that distinguished looking man?" 
 "Oh! that's Clifton Brooks, founder, I 
 think, of the movement to maintain public 
 cuspidors at all street crossings." 
 
 1 6. Myron Westover, deputy city attor- 
 ney of Los Angeles, tells one on himself. 
 When he first began the practice of law, 
 things didn't go as smoothly as might have 
 been wished. So one day, having time to 
 spare, he decided to go out for awhile, and 
 placed the following card on his door: 
 
 "Will return in one hour.*' 
 
 Upon his return he found written under 
 his notice: 
 
 "What for?" 
 
 1 7. Erie Leaf, an attorney of Los Ange- 
 les, was cross-examining a witness one day. 
 He said to the witness: 
 
 "Don't you know the difference between 
 a horse and a mule?" 
 
 "Well, sir," replied the witness, "I would 
 never take you for a horse." 
 12 
 
1 8. Dave Stansbury, assistant United 
 States district attorney of Chicago, will never 
 forget this. One day Dave chanced to be 
 present at an execution in Chicago. The 
 scene was a solemn one. The sheriff, be- 
 fore adjusting the noose, asked the con- 
 demned man if he had anything to say. 
 
 "No," said the poor fellow, clearing his 
 throat. "No, I don't believe there's any re- 
 mark that f * 
 
 Here Dave shouted cheerfully and eagerly 
 from the crowd, "Say, Jake, if you haven't 
 anything to say, I wish you'd give me about 
 fifteen minutes of your time, old man, just 
 to let me tell these good folks gathered here 
 that I am candidate for their suffrage, and 
 to lay before them some reasons why " 
 
 "Wait!" exclaimed the condemned man. 
 "Wait! is that Dave Stansbury *s voice I 
 hear?" 
 
 "Yes, sure," came from the crowd. 
 
 "I thought so. Well, he can have my 
 time. He can have all of it. But go ahea.d 
 and hang me first and let Dave talk after- 
 wards." 
 
 1 9. Andy M. Strong, attorney, dropped in 
 to see a lawyer whom he knew had raised 
 a certain point in a case similar to one he 
 had just received. He went in, and follow- 
 ing preliminaries, asked his advice on a point 
 of law. The lawyer said: 
 
 "I generally get paid for what I know." 
 Strong thereupon took half a dollar from 
 his pocket, handed it to the man, and re- 
 marked: 
 
 13 
 
'Tell me all you know, and give me the 
 change." 
 
 20. Major John V. Clinnin, of Chicago, 
 one day following an unusually hot attack on 
 him in one of the papers fighting him in a 
 recent campaign, went to see the editor. 
 
 "Look here!" yelled Clinnin, waving his 
 hands high in the air. "What do you mean 
 by printing all that stuff about me?" 
 
 "What's the matter with it?" calmly 
 queried the editor, glancing up from his work. 
 
 "What's the matter!" heatedly cried the 
 perturbed Clinnin. "Why, it's all a lie, and 
 you know it." 
 
 '"Well then, what are you kicking about?'* 
 smilingly responded the editor. "Suppose we 
 had told the truth about you?" 
 
 21. Judge W. W. Bardwell, of Minneapo- 
 lis, became quite provoked recently at a 
 Swede on the witness stand. 
 
 "What's your name?" asked the Judge. 
 
 "Yon Yonson," was the reply. 
 
 "Are you married?" asked the Judge. 
 
 "Yah," came the answer. 
 
 "Whom did you marry?" asked the Judge. 
 
 "I married a woman," answered the Swede. 
 
 Judge Bardwell got hot under the collar 
 and said, "Did you ever hear of anybody 
 marrying anybody but a woman?" 
 
 "Yah, my sister; she married a man," an- 
 swered the Swede. 
 
 14 
 
22. Thomas E. Ellis runs a hotel at the 
 hot springs at Elsincre, California. One day 
 one ct the characters of the town came into 
 the bar room. The barkeeper took by mis- 
 take from under the bar a bottle of sul- 
 phuric acid, which he served to the man, and 
 didn't discover his error until he had gulped 
 it down and gone away. He instantly re- 
 ported it to Ellis. 
 
 Poor Ellis didn't do much sleeping that 
 night, and when the sun rose the next morn- 
 ing he looked haggard and worn. But great- 
 ly to his relief the man about whom he 
 was worrying soon made his appearance. 
 
 "By the way, Dave," he said, now sweetly 
 smiling, "what did you think of the new 
 brand you got here last night>" 
 
 "Best warming stuff that I ever tasted," 
 answered Dave, "but it had one fault. Every 
 time that I coughed, darned if it didn't set 
 my whiskers on fire." 
 
 23. Some men are not only clever law- 
 yers but their cleverness crops out in other 
 ways as well. Here is a case. Irvin Louis, 
 of Los Angeles, lives in one of the nearby 
 suburbs. He is a fancier of chickens and 
 other things. Some time ago he had much 
 trouble with a big gartersnake that robbed 
 his hens of eggs. He never could catch it, 
 so set his wits to work and did as follows: 
 
 He built a tight board fence around his 
 chicken yard and saw to it that there was 
 not a hole in it through which the cnake 
 eould enter. 
 
 15 
 
Then he laid a trap for the snake. He 
 bored a hole through the fence just large 
 enough to allow the passage of the reptile. 
 He placed an egg on the outside of the fence 
 and another on the inside, both close to the 
 hole. 
 
 Along saunters Mr, Snake; encountering 
 the first egg, it was promptly swallowed. 
 Then the snake entering the hole spied the 
 other egg. This he also swallowed. "Pretty 
 soft," mused his snakeship. 
 
 But when the snake started forward, the 
 first egg he had swallowed halted him. When 
 he tried to back out, the second egg pre- 
 vented. In the morning, Louis came out and 
 ended his troubles. 
 
 24. Mark H. Irish, who does a big in- 
 surance business in Toronto, tells a rather 
 good one that happened recently while try- 
 ing to sell fire insurance. 
 
 "Do I understand that for five dollars I 
 can insure my house for $1000?" said the 
 man, after listening to the proposition. 
 
 "Yes, sir. If your house burns down we 
 pay you $1 000." 
 
 "And do you make any inquiries as to the 
 origin of the fire?" 
 
 "We make a most careful inquiry, sir." 
 
 "Ah! I thought there was a catch in it 
 somewhere." 
 
 25. Victor B. Bouton, of Smethport, Penn- 
 sylvania, one day said, as impressively as 
 16 
 
he could to his son, "My son, suppose I 
 should be taken away suddenly, what would 
 become of you?" 
 
 "Why,** said the son, irreverently, "I'd stay 
 here, the question is, what would become 
 of you?*' 
 
 26. Frank J. Baum, the advertising man 
 and play writer of Los Angeles, has had 
 many experiences. Frank is clever in almost 
 any circumstance. Once when he was on 
 his uppers and beating it to Chicago, he 
 picked up a stray dog of considerable intel- 
 ligence. Frank soon found that the dog 
 knew several tricks, and taught him others. 
 
 Likewise Baum is exceedingly accomplish- 
 ed as a ventriloquist, and often entertained 
 the people along the way by making it ap- 
 pear that the dog could talk. 
 
 One day, after much hard work, he ar- 
 rived at a town and went to a bar to see if 
 he couldn't negotiate something without the 
 use of coin. The proprietor said: 
 
 "Well, what'Il you have?" 
 
 Frank replied, "I'll take a little whiskey." 
 Then turning to the dog, he said, "And what 
 will you have?" The answer came promptly: 
 "I'll have a ham sandwich." 
 
 The proprietor was so surprised he almost 
 fainted. Looking at the dog a moment, he 
 said: 
 
 "What did you say?" 
 
 "I said, I'll take a ham sandwich," came 
 the dog's answer. 
 
 17 
 
The proprietor thought it wonderful that 
 the dog could speak, and asked who had 
 trained him, and how long it had taken, and 
 wound up with: 
 
 "How much will you take for him?" 
 
 "Oh," replied Baum, "1 wouldn't sell him 
 at any price; but I am a little hard up and 
 if you will lend me $50 I will leave him with 
 you as security until I bring the money 
 back." 
 
 "All right," the man answered. "I just 
 want him for a little while so 1 can show 
 him to some people I know around here." 
 
 Everything was settled, the money paid, 
 the dog left with the proprietor, and as Baum 
 went out he turned and waved his hand at 
 the dog and said: 
 
 "Well, good-bye, Jack. I'll come back 
 soon." 
 
 The dog looked at Baum a moment, then 
 said: 
 
 "You mean, dispicable man, to sell me for 
 $50 after all I've done for you! So help 
 me Moses, I'll never speak another word as 
 long as I live." And he didn't. 
 
 27. Arthur D. Cloud, of Chicago, who 
 for a long time published one of the biggest 
 railroad magazines in this country, was call- 
 ing on a man in a nearby city. This man 
 as a hobby spent much time acting as a prison 
 missionary. Art was asked to go through 
 the jail with him. 
 
 "We are starting a circulating library for 
 
 18 
 
ihe use of the inmates," said his friend, ad- 
 dressing one of the inmates. "Is there any- 
 thing in particular you'd like to make use 
 of?" 
 
 Just then the jailer called Art's friend 
 aside. The prisoner, thinking Art was also 
 interested in the circulating library plan, said 
 to h'm: "Why, yes; if I could only use it 
 right, I'd like to see a railway guide." 
 
 28. Paul Stewart is still unmarried. We 
 don't believe the following about him, 
 though they claim there is some ground for 
 it. He had a bad case on a fair lass. One 
 evening after a long period of silence, he 
 said: 
 
 "Maggie, wasna I here on the Sawbath 
 nicht?" 
 
 "Aye, Paul, I daur say you were." 
 
 "An* wasna I here on Monday nicht?" 
 
 "Aye, so you were." 
 
 "An* I was here on Tuesday nicht, an* 
 Wednesday nicht, an* Thursday nicht, an* 
 Friday nicht?" 
 
 "Aye, I'm thinkin' that's so." 
 
 "An* this is Saturday nicht, an* I'm here 
 again." 
 
 "Well, what for no? I'm sure you're very 
 welcome." 
 
 Paul, desperately, "Maggie, woman, dae ye 
 no smell a rat?" 
 
 29. Thomas M. Crane, of Chicago, is an 
 undertaker. One day he answered the phone. 
 This is what was said: 
 19 
 
"I want a box tomorrow night," said the 
 man's voice. 
 
 "All right, sir, what size?" was Crane's 
 reply. 
 
 "Oh, there'll be quite a party of us in it; 
 perhaps six," he said. 
 
 "Six! I'm afraid I'll have to make it spe- 
 cial, sir! They never come bigger than for 
 one, you know," said Crane. 
 
 "What are you talking about? Isn't this 
 the Majestic Theatre?" shouted the voice. 
 
 "No, sir; this is Crane, the undertaker." 
 
 30. Fletcher Bowron is one of Hearst's 
 star reporters on his Los Angeles "Exam- 
 iner." Like other reporters, he has had to 
 make a start, \vhich he did in a school of 
 journalism. Part of the practical work in 
 this school was to do reporting. Shortly 
 after he began to report, he was hastily sent 
 to "cover" a railroad wreck in a nearby 
 town. 
 
 It was getting almost time for the paper 
 to go to press and no word had come from 
 Bowron. In desperation the dean of the 
 school telegraphed to ask why the story was 
 not forthcoming. Fletch replied: 
 
 "Too much excitement. Wait till things 
 quiet down a bit." 
 
 31. Dr. Arthur M. Wright, of New York 
 City, tells a good one on himself. One sum- 
 mer he went back into the country on his 
 20 
 
vacation. While there, an epidemic broke 
 out in the neighborhood. He was called upon 
 to assist, which he did until so tired he 
 couldn't hold his head up. He had just re- 
 tired and fallen asleep when a neighbor 
 aroused him, stating that a woman half a 
 mile from there was dying of heart trouble, 
 and he must go. 
 
 Dr. Wright got up and went to the house 
 where the patient, a very stout woman, was 
 in bed, breathing stentorously. He couldn't 
 find anything wrong, but the woman was 
 panicky. 
 
 "Cough," he ordered. She could not. Then 
 he put his ear over her heart and said, "count 
 slowly." 
 
 The next thing he knew, he awoke only 
 to hear the woman counting faintly: "Ten 
 thousand and forty-seven, ten thousand and 
 forty-eight." 
 
 32. Arthur F. Quigley is in one of the 
 New York banks. One day an acquaintance 
 said: 
 
 "Say, isn't Higgley, the banker, a relative 
 of yours?" 
 
 "Yes, he's a cousin," said Quigley, "about 
 $4,000,000 removed." 
 
 33. George E. Buck has a collection bus- 
 iness in Syracuse. Every one has his expe- 
 riences. Buck tells of a little "jolly" that 
 has done wonders. Here it is: 
 
 *'Sir, if you pay the enclosed, you will 
 21 
 
oblige me; if you do not, I will oblige you 
 to." 
 
 34. Harry A. Curtis, who handles insur- 
 ance in Chicago, tells the following: 
 
 "Greenberg had taken out a policy on his 
 stock of goods. Three hours after, it was 
 consumed by fire. Finding no grounds upon 
 which to refuse payment, the company sent 
 him a check with the following letter: 
 
 *'We note that your policy was issued at 
 noon on Thursday and the fire did not take 
 place until three o'clock the same day. Why 
 this delay?" 
 
 35. Francis H. Bolarid, of Los Angeles, 
 attorney, was called upon one day by an 
 artist who wished him to collect a bill for 
 work done in a church. After corresponding 
 with the officials of the church, he learned 
 that they had demanded an itemized state- 
 ment, which had been refused. The follow- 
 ing is the bill in detail which the artist fur- 
 nished Boland in settling the account: 
 
 Correcting the Ten Commandments. ... 7. 1 
 Embellishing Pontius Pilate and put- 
 ting new ribbons on his bonnet 3.02 
 
 Putting new tail on the rooster of St. 
 
 Peter 4. 1 8 
 
 Reguilcling left wing of Guardian An 
 
 gel 2.02 
 
 Washing the servant of the High Priest 
 
 and putting carmine on his cheeks 3.10 
 
 Adjusting stars . 2.06 
 
 Renewing Heaven 1.00 
 
 Cleaning moon 10 
 
 22 
 
Restoring lost souls 25.00 
 
 Rebordering the robes of Herod, ad- 
 justing his wig 2.43 
 
 Cleaning Balaam's ass and putting new 
 
 shoes on him.... 5.06 
 
 Putting ear-rings in Sarah's ears 20.00 
 
 Putting new stone in David's sling 1.10 
 
 Enlarging the head of Goliath 1.03 
 
 Extending Saul's leg 2.05 
 
 Decorating Noah's Ark 6.50 
 
 Brightening up the flames of hell 60 
 
 Mending the shirt of the Prodigal Son.. 6.35 
 
 Putting new tail on the Devil 1.50 
 
 Putting silver coin over the poor box 80 
 
 Doing several odd jobs for the damned 5.00 
 
 $100.00 
 
 36. Charles F. Hartigan, colonel in the 
 Philippine army, sees the funny side of 
 things. It seems that he was expected to 
 make his appearance for inspection of the 
 post. In preparation for this, orders went 
 flying to all parts. 
 
 "Now look out for the colonel, because 
 he's corning to inspect the post," said the 
 sergeant, as he marched off leaving O'Brien 
 doing his first outpost duty. 
 
 Very full of his own importance and re- 
 sponsibility, O'Brien took his stand. After 
 an hour the sergeant returned. 
 
 "Colonel been here yet?" he asked. 
 
 Receiving an answer in the negative, the 
 sergeant went away, and returned an hour 
 later with the same inquiry. 
 23 
 
At last the colonel did appear, and O'Brien, 
 in his relief at seeing some one after his 
 long vigil, forgot all about his instructions, 
 
 "Do you know who I am?" sternly asked 
 Colonel Hartigan, having noticed that the 
 private had failed to salute. 
 
 "Sure, an' 1 don't at all!" answered the 
 grinning recruit. 
 
 "I'm the colonel!" said Hartigan, 
 
 "Begorra, you'll catch it then!" remarked 
 Erin's son. "The sergeant's been asking for 
 ye twice already!" 
 
 37. Harry A Shinnick is a missionary, 
 though young in years. He was back in 
 Washington, D. C., after some time spent 
 performing his duties. He had nothing to 
 complain of at the hotel, other than that they 
 didn't have sauces sufficiently hot for him. 
 His forethought had made him provide him- 
 self with the same before leaving for home. 
 He arranged with the waiter to have his own 
 sauce served at his table. One day another 
 guest noticed the appetizing bottle on Harry's 
 table and asked the waiter to give him some 
 of it. 
 
 "I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that 
 is the private property of that gentleman." 
 
 Shinnick overheard the request, and hav- 
 ing noticed the man on numerous occasions, 
 told the waiter to hand it to him. The 
 stranger poured some of it on his meat and 
 then 'took a liberal mouthful. After a mo- 
 ment he turned v/ith tears in his eyes to 
 Harry. 
 
 24 
 
"You are a minister of the Gospel, I un- 
 derstand," he said. 
 
 "Yes sir," Harry replied. 
 
 "And you preach the doctrine of ever- 
 lasting fire?" he ventured. 
 
 "Yes," admitted Harry. 
 
 "Well, you're the first minister I ever saw 
 who carried samples with him." 
 
 38. Henry S. Henschen, a Chicago bank- 
 er, tells this little experience: A woman 
 came to his window one day and shoved a 
 check through without saying a word. 
 
 "You will have to get someone to intro- 
 duce you before 1 can cash this check for 
 you," I said. 
 
 "Sir," she answered, haughtily, "I am 
 here on business and not making a social 
 call. I do not care to know you." 
 
 39. Milton E. Cornelius of Los Angeles 
 is known as a hustler in everything he takes 
 an interest. It is reported that when he was 
 first graduated from the University he opened 
 a real estate office on a tract of booming 
 city lots. For days he sat there undisturbed 
 looking out into the road and twiddling his 
 thumbs. On the afternoon of the fourth day 
 he saw a man heading for his door from 
 across the boulevard. Surely he was a cus- 
 tomer. He must be made to feel that busi- 
 ness was flourishing. 
 
 As the man stepped over the threshold 
 Milton held the receiver of the telephone at 
 his ear and was talking earnestly into the 
 transmitter. 
 
 25 
 
"That's correct," he said as the man stood 
 before him. "Right; we will accept your 
 $15,000 cash tomorrow and let the $30,000 
 remainder stand on a ten-year mortgage. 
 What? Yes. I'll bring the deed around at 
 eleven o'clock tomorrow morning. Good 
 bye." 
 
 Cornelius hung up the receiver and turned 
 an important visage to the visitor. "Now, 
 sir," he said, "what can I do for you?" 
 
 "Why, 1 just came over," said the man, 
 grinning, "to connect your telephone instru- 
 ment to the wires." 
 
 40. Abram H. Foster is an enthusiastic 
 
 "Progressive." Some of his friends of other 
 
 political persuasions "kid" him a little. One 
 
 day one said to another in Foster's presence: 
 
 "Is Foster on the Roosevelt band wagon?" 
 
 "It's hardly a band wagon; just a rnouth 
 
 organ," replied the other. 
 
 4 1 . Ray E. Nimmo, when Prosecuting 
 Attorney for Los Angeles, had an auto acci- 
 dent one day and was pinned under the car, 
 though luckily for him without any serious 
 harm. Hardly had it happened when a man 
 ran up to the machine and seeing Nimmo, 
 said: 
 
 "What's happened?" 
 
 "Get a doctor," Nimmo shouted. 
 
 "Did the train hit you?" asked the man. 
 
 "Yes, Yes; get a doctor, quick I" shouted 
 Ray. 
 
 26 
 
"Has the claim agent been here yet?" 
 asked the man. 
 
 "No! No! Please get a doctor," pleaded 
 Ray. 
 
 "Move over there, you," said the man, 
 "till I lie down with you." 
 
 42. Victor O. Geoffrion of Los Angeles 
 is an excellent musician. One day he dropped 
 into a new music store where he was un- 
 known and asked to be shown a violin. The 
 dealer said, "Come this way, please." 
 
 "Yes," said the dealer, "this instrument 
 is of historical interest; this is the i-dentical 
 fiddle Nero played while Rome was burning." 
 
 "Oh, that's a myth," said Geoflfrion. 
 
 The dealer agreed, saying: "Yes, it is; 
 and Myth's name was on it, but it has gotten 
 worn off." 
 
 43. George N. Lindsey is in the New 
 York banking world. One day while busy 
 a stranger entered the bank and approached 
 him. 
 
 "I want to make a deposit," he said. 
 
 Lindsey looked around cautiously and 
 when he spoke his voice had dropped to a 
 whisper. "Savings, commercial or political?" 
 he asked. 
 
 44. Police Judge Thomas P. White of 
 Los Angeles had the tables turned on him 
 one day in court. An Irishman *who was a 
 27 
 

 witness was being examined as to his knowl- 
 edge of a shooting affair. 
 
 "Did you see the shot fired?" asked Judge 
 White. 
 
 "No, soir; I only heard it," came the reply. 
 
 "That evidence is not satisfactory," replied 
 Judge White, sternly. "Step down." 
 
 The witness proceeded to leave the box 
 and directly his back was turned he laughed 
 derisively. 
 
 Judge White, indignant at this contempt of 
 court, asked him sharply how he dared laugh 
 in court. 
 
 "Did you see rne laugh, your honor?" said 
 the Irishman. 
 
 "No, but I heard you," replied Judge 
 White. 
 
 "That evidence is not satisfactory," said 
 the Irishman with a twinkle in his eye that 
 caused everybody to laugh except Tom. 
 
 45. William W. Widenham sells insurance 
 in and around Los Angeles. One day he sold 
 fire insurance to a rancher, covering his va- 
 rious buildings. In time a fire destroyed one 
 building. After investigation the insurance 
 company decided to take advantage of the 
 option in the contract and rebuilt the barn 
 again for him. A short time afterwards he 
 tried to sell him some life insurance, in favor 
 of his wife. 
 
 "Oh, no!" he said. "You don't catch me 
 a second time. If I'd die you would come 
 around here and offer to get her a new hus- 
 band." 
 
 28 
 
46. Rev. John N. Rentfro of Austin, 
 Texas, finds the world enjoys a joke even if 
 on a minister. One day he was stopped by 
 a small boy on the street, who asked him 
 what time it was. Now the weather was 
 nasty and wet, and he was nicely bundled 
 up to keep his best suit from being damaged, 
 and with it all he was in a great hurry to 
 reach a wedding at which he was to officiate. 
 After considerable difficulty he unbuttoned 
 his effects and reaching way inside he brought 
 out his watch and told the boy it was exactly 
 half past five. 
 
 "Well," said the boy, setting his feet for 
 a good start, "at 'alf past six, go to hell!" 
 and was off like a flash around the corner. 
 
 This was too much for his Reverence, and 
 flushed and furious his watch dangling by 
 the chain, he floundered along after him. 
 But as he rounded the corner he ran plump 
 into the outstretched arms of the venerable 
 Bishop of Austin. 
 
 "Rentfro I Rentfro!" remonstrated that 
 surprised dignitary. "Why this unseemly 
 haste?" 
 
 Puffing, blowing, sputtering, the outraged 
 Rentfro gasped out: "That young raga- 
 
 mufrian I told him it was half past five 
 
 and he er told me to go to hell at half 
 
 past six!" 
 
 "Oh, yes, yes," said the Bishop with a 
 suspicion of a twinkle in his kindly eyes, 
 "but why such haste? You've got almost an 
 hour." 
 
 47. Every young lawyer has something 
 29 
 

 up his sleeve in the line of experience. Sam- 
 uel H. Pardue, now a successful attorney, 
 had his as well. He was defending a crim- 
 inal and in doing so was making his first 
 appearance in court. 
 
 "The unfortunate client for whom it is 
 my privilege to appear," he said, his tongue 
 and lips dry and thick; "the unfortunate 
 client, Your Honor, whom I am defending 
 Ahem, ahem! I will repeat. Your Honor, 
 the unfortunate man whom I here represent 
 I might say, this most miserable and un- 
 fortunate man." 
 
 Just then the Judge leaned forward and 
 said in a soft and encouraging manner: 
 
 "You may proceed, sir; so far the court 
 is with you." 
 
 48. One of the best mixers in the fra- 
 ternity is George W. Dryer. He is not only 
 popular in social life but is one of the 1 
 ing spirits in and president of the University 
 Club of Los Angeles. One evening Dryer 
 had been invited out to a somewhat elaborate 
 dinner, being the guest of honor. About the 
 time the dinner was coming to a close he 
 suddenly spoke up, saying: "1 feel it com- 
 ing on!" 
 
 The suddenness of his speech and manner 
 frightened everyone. 
 
 "What has happened, Mr. Dryer?" they 
 all asked at once. 
 
 "Why, I have had a stroke in my right leg 
 and it is helpless," he said. 
 
 "That can't be! Impossible! You must be 
 30 
 
mistaken/' they said as they began to rise 
 to help him. 
 
 "But it is so. I have been pinching it for 
 the last five minutes and there is not a bit of 
 feeling in it," said Dryer. 
 
 "Mr. Dryer," said the lady next to him as 
 she blushed deeply, "you have been pinching 
 my leg, not yours." 
 
 49. Judge Sidney N. Reeve of Los An- 
 geles tells many a good story relating to his 
 work on the bench. He tells about a char- 
 acter known all over the city. One day he 
 was brought before him on a charge of lar- 
 ceny. After hearing the testimony of the 
 witnesses, who stated that they had seen Pat 
 take the goods, Judge Reeve said: 
 
 "Well, Pat, I think I shall have to judge 
 you guilty." 
 
 "And what makes you think thot?" Pat 
 asked. 
 
 "These two men say that they saw you 
 do the stealing," said Sid. 
 
 "And is that the evidence?" asked Pat. 
 
 "It is," said Sid. 
 
 "Sure thin, Your Honor, everything is 
 aisy with me thin, for begorra I can bring in 
 two hundred min who will swear that they 
 didn't see me do it." 
 
 50. N. Perry Moerdyke of Los Angeles 
 was cross-examining a young woman witness 
 one day. 
 
 "How old are you?" he asked. 
 
 The young woman hesitated. 
 31 
 

 "Don't hesitate," said Moerdyke. "The 
 longer you hesitate the older you are." 
 
 5 1 . George B. Bush, lawyer for the in- 
 dependent California oil interests, with offices 
 in Riverside, Los Angeles, Bakersfield, Sacra- 
 mento and San Francisco, all in said State 
 of California (and first "Traveling General 
 Counsel" of the Delta Chi fraternity) is a 
 most sociable person. One evening he was 
 invited to supper at the home of a friend. 
 Upon his arriving there his host excused him- 
 self to announce the arrival of a guest. 
 
 It seems that Bush's friend liked to make 
 a splurge and this his wife knev/. She told 
 him to not mention wine, or to ask him if he 
 would have some while at the table. To this 
 he promised. But when the meal was well 
 under way he said to Bush: 
 
 "Won't j'ou have some wine, George?" 
 This was declined, it not being on the table. 
 Again -and again it was urged upon 
 George, but each time he became more firm 
 in his refusal, and with it all showed much 
 embarrassment. 
 
 After Bush had gone the wife took her 
 husband to task for having mentioned wine 
 and asked him why he hadn't stopped when 
 she had kicked him so hard under the table 
 every time he mentioned it. 
 
 He said: "You didn't kick me. You must 
 have been kicking George all the time." 
 
 52. Hon. George B. Cortelyou of New 
 York once gave a lecture on the subject of 
 32 
 
"Fools." In introducing him the presiding 
 officer said: 
 
 "Ladies and Gentlemen: We are now to 
 listen to a lecture on "Fools" by one" the 
 audience broke into a roar of laughter and 
 after it had subsided, he added, "of the most 
 brilliant men in America." 
 
 Mr. Cortelyou then arose and, with a 
 genial smile said : 
 
 "Ladies and Gentlemen: I am not so great 
 
 a fool as Bishop ," another roar of 
 
 laughter, after which he added, "Would have 
 you believe." 
 
 53. Henry Wackerbarth, in the law busi- 
 ness in Los Angeles, has the following told 
 on him, though he will not vouch for its 
 accuracy: 
 
 "Stella," he murmured, passionately, "I 
 want " 
 
 "Just look at that beautiful star," coldly- 
 replied the maid. 
 
 "There is but one star for my eyes," an- 
 swered Henry. 
 
 "It's getting chilly," cried Stella, drawing 
 her cloak about her. "Let's get inside." 
 
 But determination had come to Wacker- 
 barth at last and, planting himself squarely 
 in the middle of the garden path, he blurted 
 out: 
 
 "This is the last time I shall ask you " 
 
 "Look here, Henry," impatiently broke in 
 the damsel, "how many times are you going 
 to ask me to marry you?" 
 
 "Stella, I'm thinking this will be your last 
 33 
 
chance. One of the other three girls I have 
 proposed to shows signs of weakening." 
 
 54. C. Elliot Craig, attorney, is inter- 
 ested in various promotions and usually in 
 a successful way. He helped promote a new 
 town near Los Angeles. A short time ago 
 he was asking one of the residenters of the 
 
 place how things were going, as he hadn't 
 
 been there for many months. 
 
 "Oh, it's awful!" replied the unfortunate 
 
 man. "Deadest place you ever saw. Say, 
 you know Jones, don't you? Well, he 
 dropped dead in front of the postoffice Sun- 
 day and they didn't find his body until Mon- 
 day." 
 
 55. L. Barton Case of New York at one 
 time belonged to a club that had as one of 
 its rules that on Tuesday evenings any man 
 who asked a question in the club rooms, 
 which he was unable to answer himself, 
 would have to pay a fine of $ 1 0. 
 
 One Tuesday evening Case asked: "Why 
 doesn't a ground squirrel leave any dirt 
 around the top of his hole when he digs it?" 
 
 After some deliberations he was called 
 upon to answer it himself. 
 
 "That's easy," he said. "The squirrel 
 starts at the bottom and digs up." 
 
 "All very nice," suggested another mem- 
 ber, "but how does he get to the bottom of 
 the hole to dig up?" 
 
 "Well," answered Case, "that's your ques- 
 tion." 
 
 34 
 
56. Thomas A. Berkebile tells a good 
 one referring to "precedence," which at 
 times is carried too far. He tells of a Bishop 
 who was entertaining a number of the clergy 
 at his Episcopal see. The guest of honor 
 was another Bishop. This gentleman at 
 breakfast the next morning said to the butler: 
 
 "Why, this is a bad egg! Phew! Pah! 
 What an atrocious odor! Really, my man, 
 I'm surprised!" 
 
 The butler, with a serious face, examined 
 the egg closely and said, frowning and shak- 
 ing his head: 
 
 "I beg your pardon, my lord. A most re- 
 gretable thing has happened. The stupid 
 servant has given your lordship, by mistake, 
 a Curate's egg." 
 
 57. George L. Keefer is bald headed. 
 Also Keefer is quite dignified and substantial 
 in appearance. One day Keefer and some 
 of his friends were playing golf. During a 
 lull a photographer approached them and 
 asked permission to take a group picture of 
 Keefer' s party. They consented. Keefer 
 removed his cap which disclosed a thought- 
 ful but decidedly bald head, which the ex- 
 ertions of the game caused to glisten in the' 
 sunlight. 
 
 "You want to look out, Mr. Keefer," said 
 one of his friends. "You'll fog the plate." 
 
 58. Oscar B. Clark of Lincoln met his 
 Waterloo one day when he tried to be sympa- 
 thetic with a youngster. 
 35 
 
"What's the trouble, little girl?" he asked. 
 
 "Boo, boo, booh. I've lost my nickel," 
 she sobbed. 
 
 "Clark felt sorry for her and promptly 
 reached down into his pocket and produced 
 a nickel, which he offered her with a com- 
 forting smile. 
 
 "Well, never mind," said Clark, sooth- 
 ingly, "here's your nickel; now stop crying." 
 
 She clutched the coin and glaring at him 
 with scornful, flashing eyes, said: 
 
 "Oh, you wicked man. You had my nickel 
 all the time." 
 
 59. Ira F. Thompson, a rising young at- 
 torney, was examining three witnesses in a 
 somewhat complex case. One was a Scotch- 
 man, one an Englishman and the third an 
 Irishman. 
 
 Thompson said to the Scotchman: "Where 
 did you get the cow?" To which the Scotch- 
 man replied: 
 
 "I have had it since it was a calf." 
 
 To a like question to the Englishman 
 about the horse he was answered: 
 
 "1 have had it since it was a foal." 
 
 In asking the Irishman where he got his 
 cart he received this reply: 
 
 "Sure, Your Honor, I have had that ould 
 cart since it was a wheelbarrow." 
 
 60. Frank A. Paul of Seattle had an 
 Irishman working for him who was always 
 gambling. One day he came home with a 
 
 36 
 

 raffle ticket entitling him to a chance on a 
 horse and sleigh. 
 
 "We'll be drivin' out through the park to- 
 morrow loike the big guns, Mary," he an- 
 nounced with pride to his wife. 
 
 "Oh, pop, won't that be fine I" chimed in 
 his little son. "You and me can ride in the 
 front seat an' mon' an' little Johanna can 
 sit in the back." 
 
 "Ye'll be after doing no sich thing," as- 
 serted the old man. ' 'Twill be the back 
 seat for you, me lad. Yer mother will be 
 on the front wid me." 
 
 "I will so," whined the youngster. "I 
 will be ridin* on the front." 
 
 The old man then assumed a stern pa- 
 rental air and took his pipe from his mouth 
 to deliver his final decision. 
 
 "Ye'll not, 1 tell ye," he said, with em- 
 phasis, "I'll be havin' no back talk from 
 ye, I tell ye that. Git off the sleigh at once, 
 ye spalpeen." 
 
 6 1 , Edward W. Todd of Pasadena has an 
 orange grove on two sides of the street. 
 For some reason the boys seem to delight in 
 taking his unusually good oranges. One day, 
 looking from one orchard to the other, he 
 noticed a small boy slide down a tree, at the 
 same time uttering a warning to another boy 
 still up in the tree. Todd reached the tree 
 in record time. 
 
 "I've got you this time I" he roared to 
 the boy, almost hidden among the leaves. 
 "Come down." 
 
 Getting no answer, and not being in a 
 37 
 
hurry, he sat down and waited. Time passed 
 and still he waited, until a servant came from 
 the house with a note that had just been 
 dropped into his letter box. Todd did not 
 wait after he read the following: 
 
 "Some people 'as oranges, some 'as sense. 
 You bin wotchin a pair of trowsers stuffed 
 with straw, and we been gettin* your oranges 
 from the other orchard. Great victory for 
 sense.*' 
 
 62. Harry L. Dearing is an attorney. 
 One day he came into his office limping. 
 
 "Corn?" he was asked, sympathetically. 
 
 "Nope accident," he answered as one 
 who doesn't care to talk about something. 
 But soon he admitted the truth for he said: 
 
 "I was riding through the park Monday 
 and I was riding along and riding along not 
 thinking of anything in particular, and my 
 foot slipped out of the stirrup." 
 
 "Well, what's that got to do with it?" 
 
 "Well, the darned horse stepped on it!" 
 
 63. Byron C. Hanna, former chief deputy 
 District Attorney for Los Angeles County, 
 tells one that happened in a home he was 
 visiting. 
 
 It seems that the fifteen-year-old boy was 
 developing the habit of swearing because he 
 heard his father do it. The mother and 
 father objected to his doing so. To prevent 
 it a rule was established that after a certain 
 date a fine of two cents for each case would 
 be made. Owing to the fact that the family 
 38 
 

 were good Universalists, exception was made 
 to the words "devil" and "hell," the fine for 
 these being but one cent. 
 
 The first night's settlement found the 
 father owing two cents and the boy five cents, 
 but no one had any pennies. The son re- 
 fused to pay his unless the father did like- 
 wise. Finally, when all hope of an adjust- 
 ment had passed, the son spoke up and said: 
 
 "Say, dad, be a sport. Go to it; make it 
 even five cents you can get two damns 
 and a hell for a nickel." 
 
 64. Max Brown, an attorney of San 
 Diego, was one day examining a young doctor 
 whom he thought to fuss on account of his 
 youth. 
 
 "Are you," he demanded, "entirely fa- 
 miliar with the symptoms of concussion of 
 the brain?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," came the reply. 
 
 "Then," continued Brown, "I should like 
 to ask your opinion of a hypothetical case. 
 Were my learned friend, Mr. William A. 
 Sherwin, associate counsel in this case, and 
 I to bang our heads together, would we get 
 concussion of the brain?" 
 
 "Mr. Sherwin might," smiled the youthful 
 physician. 
 
 65. One day a tramp called at the home 
 of Andy Rose and said: 
 
 "Mr. Rose, I've walked many miles to see 
 you, sir, because people say you are very 
 kind to the poor and unfortunate like me." 
 39 
 
"Indeed," said Rose. "And are you going 
 back the same way?" 
 
 "Yes sir," replied the tramp. 
 
 "Well, then," said Rose, "just contradict 
 that rumor as you go, will you? Good 
 morning." 
 
 66. We would never believe it now, but 
 they tell the following on Harry M. Wier, 
 the Los Angeles law book man. Apparently 
 Harry had been enjoying himself in some far 
 away country, and had just returned home. 
 
 "Well, guv'nor, I've come back. Are you 
 going to kill the fatted calf?" said Harry. 
 
 But the old gentleman was a match for 
 him. 
 
 "No, my son; I think I'll let you live," he 
 said. 
 
 67. Upon his arrival at Phoenix, Warren 
 C. Schermerhorn invested in a cow. Out- 
 door life for him, he said. The following 
 is an extract from one of his letters, on the 
 subject of his experiences while there: 
 
 "The other night I went out to feed the 
 cow after dark, and by mistake mixed up a 
 nice mash, in a full box of sawdust instead 
 of bran. The cow, merely supposing that 
 hard times had come and that I was going 
 to economize all along the line, meekly ate 
 her supper and I never discovered my mis- 
 take until the next morning. When I milked 
 the cow she let down a gallon of turpentine, 
 a quart of shoe pegs and a bundle of lath." 
 40 
 
68. One day J. "Shep" Mitchell of Los 
 Angeles was called on by a Chinaman, who 
 said: 
 
 "You Mr. Micell, the big law.yerman?" 
 
 "Yes," replied "Shep," a little puffed up. 
 
 "How much you charde to 'fend China- 
 man?" came the question. 
 
 "For what crime?" asked "Shep." 
 
 "Mlurder," came the Chink's answer. 
 
 "Five hundred dollars," announced Mr. 
 Mitchell. 
 
 The Chinaman said he would call again. 
 A few days later he returned to Mitchell's 
 office, gravely placed $500 in gold on the 
 desk before the astonished "Shep," and said: 
 
 "All lite. I kill 'im." 
 
 And "Shep" got an acquittal. 
 
 69. Raymond E. Hodge, Deputy District 
 Attorney of San Bernardino, when in practice 
 for himself, had a very accurate man for a 
 client. One day this client said to Hodge, 
 in a very serious manner: 
 
 "I can tell you how much water goes over 
 Niagara Falls to a quart." 
 
 Hodge bit, for he said: "How much?" 
 
 "Two pints," came the valued information. 
 
 70. Ivey Marshall of Los Angeles is one 
 of those "Certified Accountants/' whatever 
 that may be. But one day finding himself 
 in need of an assistant bookkeeper for a 
 wholesale house he dictated an advertise- 
 ment for the paper, stating that he wished 
 41 
 
one about 22 years of age. Through a typo- 
 graphical error it was made to read "202 
 years of age." In spite of this error he re- 
 ceived numerous replies, one of which fol- 
 lows: 
 
 "Dear Sir: Your ad. in tonight's Express 
 interests me (it would anyone but a dead 
 one). 
 
 "Knowing how delightful the work in a 
 wholesale house is, the princely salaries, 
 short hours and entrancing environments 
 (I've known rich wholesalers to allow them- 
 selves to be pried out of as high as $4.85 a 
 week for a good assistant bookkeeper, and 
 then only require eighteen hours* work at 
 a stretch), I immediately set this application 
 in motion. 
 
 "My name is Touchmenot Oskosh, and 1 
 am some chicken when it comes to addin' up 
 nggers. I was born in Slumberville, Ken- 
 tucky, June 3, 1710, and father started in 
 figgerin' the first day as to how in darnation 
 he was going to feed me and clothe me and 
 bring me up to be a real honest-to-goodness 
 assistant bookkeeper. 
 
 "I remember when DeSoto discovered the 
 Mississippi, and the Boston Tea Party, and I 
 used to call General Washington 'Gawge.' 
 
 "Although I am not just exactly 202 years 
 of age, the fact that I am ten days over will 
 not, I trust, keep me from the position. I'm 
 proud as a dollar, eyesight perfect, eat three 
 squares a day, and have chawed Horseshoe 
 tobaccer all my life. 
 
 "Ge, I'd give all the money in the world 
 if you'd make me an assistant bookeeper in 
 a wholesale office. 
 
 42 
 
"I'm rapid, all right, too, especially with 
 a highball or two tucked under my belt, and 
 when it comes to accuracy, old Buffalo Bill 
 with his six-shooter is a mere child by com- 
 parison. 
 
 "I tell you that it ain't these young buccos 
 that's making the world move. It's the as- 
 sistant bookkeepers 202 years old and 
 Roosevelt and big hearted wholesalers and 
 sech that do things. 
 
 "I had a chance to be a bank cashier, but 
 there's nothing doing for me if I can get that 
 assistant bookkeeping job. Me for nggers, 
 every time. 
 
 "All I ask is that I be given a vacation 
 
 oil my 206th birthday, and that if some crazy 
 
 aulo driver happens to drive over me and 
 
 me dead, that you send word to my old 
 
 mother, who is 906 years old on the 1 Oth 
 
 of the coming month. Don't write. Takes 
 
 aarned long. Wire me. Yours, 
 
 "TOUCHMENOT." 
 
 7 I . Hubert D. Hoover is a rattling good 
 lawyer, but not strong on outdoor exercise. 
 He has a garden at his home in Glendale, 
 California, where the following incident is 
 said to have taken place: His wife asked 
 him to go into the garden and dig some po- 
 tatoes. He agreed and went to work for a 
 few moments. 
 
 "See what I've found," he said as he came 
 into the kitchen and began washing some- 
 thing. "It's a coin!" 
 
 After putting it into his pocket he again 
 went to work in the garden. Presently he 
 43 
 
was back again and washing something more. 
 This time it was a larger coin. 
 
 Putting it into his pocket he said: "I've 
 worked pretty hard; I'll take a short nap." 
 
 When he awoke he found that his wife had 
 dug the rest of the potatoes. But she found 
 no coins. Shortly it dawned on her how 
 nicely she had been fooled. 
 
 72. Major George C. Thorpe of Wash- 
 ington, D. C., and a member of the Marine 
 Corps, was in charge of a vessel in the Span- 
 ish war. He was giving orders: 
 
 "Do you see that captain on the bridge 
 five miles away?" he said. 
 
 "Aye, aye, aye, sir," came the reply. 
 
 "Let him have a twelve-inch shell in the 
 eye!" he ordered. 
 
 "Which eye, sir? Which eye?" came the 
 query. 
 
 73. Tom Banning, Jr., a well known Chi- 
 cago patent lawyer, one evening at a some- 
 what late hour decided to drop in and see a 
 show. But one seat remained and that was off 
 at one side. Ahead of him sat a large woman 
 who had her hat on, which prevented his 
 seeing the stage. Tom leaned forward and 
 politely asked her to remove her hat as it 
 prevented his seeing the show. 
 
 A stiffening of the head was her only re- 
 
 ply- 
 
 After a minute Tom repeated his request. 
 Suddenly she turned and said: 
 
 "There is no demand for my doing so." 
 "No demand!" Tom ejaculated. But by 
 44 
 
this time he was getting thoroughly wrought 
 up. He roiled his overcoat into a bundle, 
 placed it on his seat and put his own hat on 
 his head. In an instant there was a cry of: 
 
 "Take it off! Take it off!" 
 
 With a swift movement the woman re- 
 moved her hat and so did Tom. 
 
 74. George W. Olvaney, for a long time 
 First Deputy Fire Commissioner of New York 
 City, was walking along the street one day 
 when he saw a house on fire. He rushed 
 across the way, rang the bell and waited, he 
 thought a long, long time. Finally the door 
 opened and a woman who proved to be deaf 
 appeared. 
 
 "Madam, the house is on fire,'* he shouted, 
 hurriedly to her. 
 
 "What did you say?" she inquired. 
 
 Olvaney began dancing up and down and 
 pointing above, he said: **I said, your house 
 is afire; flames bursting out; no time to lose.'* 
 
 "What did you say?" again came the ex- 
 asperating question. 
 
 "House afire; quick!" again shouted Ol- 
 vaney, now trying to gain an entrance 
 through the chained door. 
 
 The lady smiled. "Is that all?" she said, 
 sweetly. 
 
 "Well," replied Olvaney, hopelessly, "that 
 is all I can think of just now." 
 
 75. Thomas H. Reed, professor of the 
 chair of Political Science at Berkeley, was 
 recently visiting some friends in the east. 
 45 
 
His stay covered some time in their little 
 village. During the evenings he would at 
 times drop into the corner grocery store to 
 hear the local news. To the natives he be- 
 came known as the "Professor." One night 
 a newcomer from a nearby place dropped in. 
 He had heard of the "Professor." Stepping 
 up to him he said: 
 
 "Be you the Professor?" 
 
 "Yes," said Reed. "I am he." 
 
 "Do you pretend to know everything?" 
 was the next query. 
 
 "No," said Professor Reed, "1 don't know 
 everything." 
 
 Then thinking he would jolly the Rube a 
 little he said: "But I am supposed to know 
 quite a good deal; that is why I hold my 
 position." 
 
 "Well," said the Rube, "since you've 
 studied so much and learned so much, maybe 
 you could tell me whether a man diggin* 
 clams is pursuin* agriculture or fishin'?" 
 
 76. "How was your speech received at 
 the club?" was asked of Joseph Hartigan, 
 who, by the way, was the founder of the 
 Democratic College Clubs in New York City. 
 
 "Why, they congratulated me very heart- 
 ily. In fact, one of them came to me and 
 told me that when I sat down he had said to 
 himself, it was the best thing I had ever 
 done." 
 
 77. Roger F. Steffans of Cleveland was 
 as usual successful in settling a damage suit 
 for an Irishman who had been nearly killed 
 46 
 
by a falling brick. Pat was at the hospital 
 
 and Steflfans was ready to tell him the news 
 
 of having made a settlement. He informed 
 
 him and said: 
 
 "I have here for you $25.00, the amount 
 
 coming to you." 
 
 Pat took it, looked at Steffans and said: 
 "How much did you make them pay?" 
 "With costs on both sides, $1,000," Stef- 
 
 faiis replied. 
 
 "One thousand dollars, and you give me 
 
 only $25! Eejabbers! who got hit with the 
 
 brick you or me?" 
 
 78. At a recent political convention in 
 Chicago the speakers and audience were 
 much annoyed by a man constantly calling 
 out, "Mr. McGurren! McGurren! McGur- 
 renl McGurren! I call for Mr. McGurren!" 
 After several interruptions of this kind dur- 
 ing the various speeches, a young man as- 
 cended the platform and began an eloquent 
 and impassioned speech in which he handled 
 the questions of the hour with easy famil- 
 iarty. He was in the midst of a glowing 
 period when suddenly the old cry echoed 
 through the hall: "Mr. McGurren! McGur- 
 ren! McGurren!" 
 
 With a word to the speaker the chairman 
 stepped to the front of the platform and re- 
 marked, that it would oblige the audience 
 very much if the gentleman in the rear of 
 the hall would refrain from further calls for 
 Mr. McGurren, as that gentleman was then 
 addressing the meeting. 
 
 "McGurren? Is that Mr. McGurren?" 
 47 
 
came in astonished tones from the rear. 
 "Thunder! That can't be him. Why, that's 
 the young man that asked me to call for 
 Mr. McGurren!" 
 
 79. W. K. Jackson, Jr., Attorney Gen- 
 eral of the Panama Canal Zone, like most 
 lawyers, started at the bottom. One time 
 when business was slack he thought he would 
 step down to the drug store a minute. On 
 the door he placed the following notice on a 
 card: 
 
 "Will be back in fifteen minutes. Gone 
 ten already." 
 
 80. The Hon. J. B. Moon of Virginia, 
 once during a cross-examination of a wit- 
 ness, asked him where his father was, to 
 which the man replied in a melancholy man- 
 ner: 
 
 "Dead, sir; dropped off very suddenly." 
 
 "How came he to drop off so suddenly?" 
 asked Mr. Moon, somewhat touched. 
 
 "Foul play, sir," came the reply. "The 
 Sheriff imposed upon his unconscious nature 
 and, getting him to go up on a platform to 
 look at a select audience, suddenly knocked 
 a trap-door out from under him." 
 
 81. Raymond J. Burns, son of the fa- 
 mous detective, is secretary and treasurer 
 of the W. J. Burns Detective Agency at their 
 Chicago office. He has the following told 
 on him. Once a very valuable negotiable 
 paper was lost by an express company. He 
 48 
 
was sent to locate it. It was traced to what 
 was considered the only likely place that 
 of a well known fence. So certain was Burns 
 that it was there that he considered it as 
 found. 
 
 The room was a dingy, ill lighted one, and 
 Burns ordered the suspected man to get him 
 a candle to aid in the search. The man com- 
 plied and stood near while Burns and his 
 men made the search. But they couldn't 
 find the paper, even after tearing up the 
 rugs and examining every crack and crevice, 
 and finally searching the crook and cutting 
 his clothes and shoes. The candle at last 
 almost burned out, when he gave it back to 
 the man and said: 
 
 "I'm licked. Now if you'll tell me where 
 the paper is I won't arrest you or say any- 
 thing about where I got it." 
 
 "All right you've got it in your hand," 
 said the man, promptly. 
 
 And it was, having been wrapped around 
 the candle in place of a candlestick. 
 
 82. Ex-Governor Claude A. Swanson of 
 Virginia was one day traveling to Washing- 
 ton. His mind was occupied and he did not 
 wish to be troubled by the talk of strangers. 
 Finally one approached him and sat down 
 and said : 
 
 "Did you hear the latest thing about 
 Woodrow Wilson?" 
 
 "Wilson? Wilson?" said ex-Governor 
 Swanson. "Wilson? Who is he?" 
 
 The man was quiet for about five minutes. 
 Pretty soon he said; 
 
 49 
 
"William Bryan is kicking up quite a row 
 with the European nations. Do you think 
 it will result in any serious trouble?" 
 
 "Bryan? Bryan? William Bryan?" said 
 ex-Governor Swanson. "I never heard of 
 Bryan." 
 
 This ignorance kept the man quiet for 
 about fifteen minutes. 
 
 "What do you think of Roosevelt's chances 
 for the Presidency? Do you think he will 
 run again?" at last the man asked. 
 
 "Roosevelt? Roosevelt? Hang it, man," 
 said Swanson, "you appear to know more 
 strangers than any man I ever heard of!" 
 
 The man was furious. He walked off, but 
 at last came back and said: 
 
 "Say, did you ever hear of Adam?" 
 
 Governor Swanson looked up and said: 
 
 "Adam? Adam? What was his other 
 name?" 
 
 83. Joseph Grondahl of San Francisco 
 has a big jewelry business that he runs from 
 an office, not a store, and entirely through 
 soliciting. Joe, prior to going into this line, 
 had a little experience with a stock of jew- 
 elry he made his first venture with. He had 
 bought a stock at a very low figure and de- 
 cided to auction it off. Now Grondahl is no 
 second rater so he did it himself. He was 
 trying at this specific instance to auction off 
 an ornamental clock. He had run the bid- 
 ding up to $3 when he saw a small man in 
 the back of the place nod when he asked 
 who would bid $3.50. 
 50 
 

 "Three and a half I have who'll make it 
 four?" 
 
 Again the man nodded. 
 
 "Four four who'll make it four-fifty?" 
 
 Another nod. 
 
 "Four and a half four and a half who'll 
 make it five?" 
 
 Again the man was seen to nod. 
 
 "Sold to the man in the brown suit," 
 said Joe. 
 
 "But," protested the man, "I didn't bid 
 on it!" 
 
 "Then why did you keep nodding your 
 head?" growled the now exasperated Gron- 
 dahl. 
 
 "I couldn't help it, sir," came the apolo- 
 getic reply. "I had the hiccoughs." 
 
 84. Edward C. Nettels, Traffic Manager 
 of the Postum Cereal Company of Battle 
 Creek> had a little experience when once he 
 was helping a grocer fill his orders. Nettels 
 had been stranded in town for a couple of 
 days by a blockade on the railroad. It seems 
 that he made a mistake in filling an order 
 for the grocer and didn't notice it until the 
 next morning. When he found it out he 
 hurried out to hunt up the woman. 
 
 "I I'm sorry to say there's been a slight 
 mistake, Madam," he panted. "You ordered 
 two pounds of cereal yesterday and by mis- 
 take I put up some sawdust that the grapes 
 were packed in." 
 
 "Oh!" replied the woman. "Then 1 
 reckon my husband must have got through 
 about a pound of the wood for breakfast." 
 
 5! 
 

 **Y you don't mean to say that he ate 
 it!" gasped Nettels. 
 
 "Course *e did," she answered. 
 
 The lady then leaned back and for three 
 minutes indulged herself in a long and loud 
 laugh that brought her neighbors to the 
 scene. 
 
 "Well, that's right down funny," she ob- 
 served, with a laugh. 
 
 "Funny!" queried Nettels, now thoroughly 
 frightened. 
 
 "Yes, funny! Here we've been married 
 thirteen years and Charles has never paid 
 me a compliment till this morning at break- 
 fast, when blessed if he didn't pass his plate 
 for another dish of 'sawdust* and told me it 
 reminded him of the porridge his mother 
 used to make." 
 
 85. C. P. Pierce of Key West tried to 
 send a pair of trousers by book post, which 
 is cheaper than parcel post. The postal of- 
 ficials wrote him: "Clothes can not be sent 
 by book post. If you will refer to the Post- 
 office Guide you will see under what condi- 
 tions articles may be sent by book post." 
 
 Shortly after Pierce replied: "I have 
 looked in the Postoffice Guide and find that 
 articles which are open at both ends may be 
 sent by book post. And if trousers are not 
 open at both ends I should like to know 
 what is." 
 
 86. Arthur M. Harris of Seattle, author 
 of the famed "Letters of a Young Lawyer," 
 52 
 
met with a somewhat unusual experience. 
 In one of the large libraries of this country 
 it was found that every morning certain 
 books on a particular shelf were always found 
 on the floor. Finally the janitor was called 
 upon to explain why these books were al- 
 ways on the floor each morning. He in- 
 sisted that they were in their place every 
 evening when he cleaned up in that place 
 and could not explain why it should happen. 
 
 Finally the Librarian decided to remain 
 down all night and solve the problem. He 
 discovered that it was a certain works en- 
 titled, "Failures of a Young Lawyer/' that 
 were always on the floor. When he reported 
 the peculiar incident of its being the same 
 set each time, he was asked why it was 
 always this set of books. 
 
 "Well, you see, someone by mistake had 
 been placing these books on the shelf beside 
 Harris' works, entitled, "Letters of a Young 
 Lawyer," and the "Letters of a Young Law- 
 yer" being of a somewhat superior class, 
 simply refused to be found in such com- 
 pany." 
 
 87. Judge George E. Morris of the Su- 
 preme Court of the State of Washington, had 
 an interesting incident among his experi- 
 ences as prosecuting attorney. It seems that 
 Terrance Murphey was accused of selling 
 liquor illicitly and Judge Morris was trying 
 to get Pat, a driver, to admit that he had 
 delivered liquor to the defendant. Pat stated 
 that he had once delivered freight to Mur- 
 phey, and that part of the freight was in a 
 53 
 
barrel, but when asked what the barrel con- 
 tained he said he didn't know. 
 
 "Don't you know? Wasn't the barrel 
 marked?" asked Morris. 
 
 "Yis sir," was Pat's only reply. 
 
 "Then how dare you tell the court you 
 don't know what was in it?" came the quick 
 question of Morris. 
 
 "Because, sir, the barrel was marked 
 'Terrance Murphey* on one end and 'Bour- 
 bon Whiskey' on the other. How the divil 
 did I know which was in it?" 
 
 88. Edward W. Allen, Assistant Attorney 
 General for the State of Washington, came 
 home one evening from a big dinner with a 
 broad smile all over his face. 
 
 "Yes, dear," he said in answer to her 
 anxious query. "The dinner was most pleas- 
 ant and my speech was the success of the 
 evening." 
 
 "What did you say, darling?" she asked. 
 
 *'Oh, well, I can't remember exactly, you 
 know. But until I spoke all the speeches had 
 fallen flat, so I thought I would give them 
 a little humor. And I succeeded, too! I 
 had hardly said more than six words when 
 there was a pleased giggle round the huge 
 table. In a few minutes I had them all roll- 
 ing about with laughter, and when at last I 
 sat down the applause was tremendous 
 tremendous!" 
 
 And at this point Allen removed his over- 
 coat. 
 
 *'I am glad that your speech was such a 
 success, dear," answered his wife, dutifully. 
 54 
 
"But next time you have to speak in public 
 would it not be a better plan to put a waist- 
 coat under your dress coat, especially when 
 you wear a dickey?" 
 
 89. De Witt M. Evans, Justice of the 
 Peace at Tacorna, was hearing a case one 
 day when the attorney said: 
 
 "Your Honor, this man's insanity takes 
 the form of a belief that everyone wants to 
 rob him. He won't allow even me, his coun- 
 sel, to approach him." 
 
 "Maybe," said Judge Evans, "he's not so 
 crazy after all.*' 
 
 90. Edmund N. Keenan of Seattle was 
 riding in his auto with a young lady when 
 she asked him to let her run the car. He 
 reluctantly acquiesced and his fears soon 
 materialized for she shouted: 
 
 "Oh, Edmund, take it quick! Here comes 
 a ditch!" 
 
 91. William P. Kelley, Deputy Prose- 
 cuting Attorney of Los Angeles, had a little 
 experience worth relating. It seemed that 
 before he became wise through his experi- 
 ences in the prosecuting attorney's office 
 that he once went to a quack doctor for 
 treatment. He stated to the quack that he 
 had a sharp pain internally and that it might 
 be caused by his sucking the point of a pen- 
 cil. The quack quickly told him that 
 was suffering from lead poisoning ancl gave 
 
 55 
 
him some pills which he said would cure 
 him. 
 
 The next day Kelley came back in a very 
 angry mood .and said: 
 
 "A friend of mine has examined the pills 
 you gave me and they are only bread." 
 
 "Of course they are," was the bland re- 
 ply. "Don't yon know that bread is the 
 finest thing in the world to remove pencil 
 marks? You didn't want me to give you 
 india rubber pills, did you?" 
 
 92. Charles H. Tribit, Jr., was once try- 
 ing to hire an Irishman for general work. 
 One finally came who looked likely. 
 
 "I will hire you at once," he said, hastily 
 sizing up the applicant, "if you think you 
 can fill the bill. What I want is a man who 
 can cook, scrub a little, drive a car, look 
 after the team of horses, feed the chickens, 
 work in the garden, do a little painting and 
 paper hanging " 
 
 "Please excuse me, sor," interrupted Pat. 
 "What kind of soil have yez around here?" 
 
 "Soil?" was Tribit's wondering rejoinder. 
 "What in the deuce has that got to do with 
 it?" 
 
 "Sure an* a whole lot, sor," answered Pat. 
 'If yez have any clay around here Oi might 
 put in me spart toime with the makin* av 
 bricks." 
 
 93. Stannard A. McNeil, a Los Angeles 
 attorney, was one day in a bad mix-up. He 
 had lost his hat, and flushed and breathless 
 56 
 
he had at last succeeded in getting it after a 
 long chase. With a sigh of relief he leaned 
 against a lighting post, trying to recover some 
 of his lost energies. Just then another man, 
 also breathless, came running up and taking 
 the hat from McNeil's hand, remarked: 
 
 "I'm very much obliged to you, sir." 
 
 "For what?" came Stannard's surprised 
 reply. 
 
 "Well, this is my hat," said the stranger, 
 smiling. 
 
 "Your hat! Then where in the dickens is 
 mine?" gasped Mac. 
 
 "Oh, yours is hanging behind you at the 
 end of the string." 
 
 94. C. Foster Cable one day got into an 
 argument with an irishman over the nation- 
 ality of certain politicians. 
 
 "I say," said Cable, "he's a Frenchman 
 because he was born in France." 
 
 "Not at all," said the Irishman. "Begorra, 
 if a cat had kittens in an oven would you 
 call them biscuits?" 
 
 95. D. E. Carlton of Tampa belongs to 
 a church where a gentle minister recently 
 accepted a call. Carlton has a fast horse, 
 and sometimes races him. One day he went 
 to the new minister and asked him to invite 
 the prayers of the congregation for Lucy 
 Grey. Willingly and gladly he did it for three 
 Sundays. On the fourth Sunday one of the 
 deacons told him he need not ask the prayers 
 of the congregation any more for Lucy Grey. 
 57 
 
"Why," said the good man with an anxious 
 look, "is she dead?" 
 
 "Oh, no," said the deacon, "she's won the 
 steeplechase." 
 
 96. Walter Shelton of San Francisco 
 asked his butcher one morning what kind of 
 meat he could recommend. The butcher 
 said: 
 
 "The best steak we ever had, sir. Here 
 you are, sir; as smooth as velvet and as ten- 
 der as a woman's heart." 
 
 "I'll take sausage," said Shelton. 
 
 97. One day L. V. Repke, while talking 
 with a friend about paintings, said he had 
 to give up painting dogs. What was the 
 trouble, he was asked. 
 
 "Oh, you see, I did them so lifelike that 
 the neighbors complained of fleas. Besides, 
 another one had to be muzzled to keep him 
 from biting those who came into the studio," 
 raid he. 
 
 "But what was worse," said Repke, "was 
 that I had a deuce of a time over a portrait 
 of a New York .millionaire that had just been 
 completed. It was so lifelike that it had to 
 be shaved twice a week. 
 
 "But worse than that was a time I had com- 
 pleting a painting of some grapes and a vine. 
 Before the thing was finished the birds came 
 and ate the grapes while perched on the vine. 
 
 "At a later time on completing a polar 
 scene, my servant placed a thermometer close 
 to it, when 1 found that the bulb had bursted 
 58 
 
on account of the mercury going so low the 
 thermometer could not register any more. 
 
 "But worst of all, this selfsame servant 
 had an attack of nerves from trying to sweep 
 down some cobwebs that I had painted on 
 the ceiling." 
 
 98. One time Rev. Robert Davis of Engle- 
 wood, N. J., was holding revival services. In 
 all such meetings there are touches of humor. 
 He was asking three children whom he had 
 converted various questions. 
 
 "Now, my little man, tell me what you 
 have to be thankful for," he said, addressing 
 the son of a well-to-do family. 
 
 "I am thankful for my father and mother, 
 who are so nice," he said. 
 
 "Now, my little lady, tell me what it is 
 that you have to be thankful for," he said, 
 addressing the daughter of a well-to-do fam- 
 
 ily. 
 
 "1 am thankful for my nice dollies and 
 other things," she said. 
 
 "And my little man," he said, addressing 
 a boy who stuttered, had a cleft palate, was 
 red-headed and freckled and who came from 
 a poor family, "what have you to be thank- 
 ful for?" 
 
 "I hain't got nutin* to be thankful to the 
 Lord for. He durned near ruined me." 
 
 99. Joseph E. Fleitz of Wilkes-Barre once 
 was defending an Irishman who had stolen 
 a pig. In court the judge leaned forward 
 59 
 
and asked Patrick what he had done with the 
 pig- 
 
 "Killed it and ate it, Your Honor," an- 
 swered Patrick. 
 
 "Well, now, Patrick, when you are 
 brought face to face with the widow Maloney 
 and her pig on the Judgment Day, what ac- 
 count will you be able to give of yourself 
 when the widow accuses you of stealing?" 
 asked the Judge. 
 
 "Did you say the pig would be there, 
 Your Honor?" asked Patrick. 
 
 "Most certainly I did," replied the Judge, 
 
 "Well, then, I'll say, 'Mrs. Maloney, there's 
 your pig/ " 
 
 100. A. Frank John of Mt. Carmel, 
 Pennsylvania, one time when walking with 
 a friend, said to him: 
 
 "You see that beggar approaching? 
 Watch me make him look small." 
 
 When the beggar stopped them he listened 
 attentively to what he said and after finish- 
 ing, John said: 
 
 "That's the same old story you told me 
 last week." 
 
 "Is it?" queried the beggar. "Perhaps I 
 did, perhaps I did," he admitted, "but I'd 
 quite forgotten meeting you for the moment. 
 I was in jail last week and there were such 
 a lot of us there I didn't remember you, you 
 see." 
 
 101. They tell this one on Walter L. 
 Vieregg, but we will not vouch for it. Wal- 
 ter had a bad case on a certain young lady 
 60 
 
in his early days, but was extremely bashful. 
 This began to tell on the young lady, so one 
 evening when he arrived as usual she no- 
 ticed a rose pinned in his lapel. She spoke 
 about it and said: 
 
 'Til give you a kiss for that rose/' 
 
 A crimson flush came over Vieregg's face, 
 but the exchange was made eventually. Then 
 he grabbed his hat and started to leave. 
 
 "Why, where are you going?*' she asked, 
 in surprised tones. 
 
 "To to the er florists for more roses," 
 he finally said as he rushed past her and out 
 the front door. 
 
 102. James F. Martin of New Haven got 
 into a street car one day and placed under 
 his seat a basket he was carrying. Shortly 
 afterwards a young lady with a dog fastened 
 by a silver chain sat down beside him, plac- 
 ing the dog on the floor between her feet. 
 Soon she began to get nervous and shortly 
 said in a shrill voice: 
 
 "Bruno, stop it!" 
 
 Presently she turned pale and jerking the 
 chain, cried: "Lie down, Bruno, and behave 
 yourself!" A moment later she jumped up 
 and began to do a solo dance. 
 
 Martin stared at her in astonishment. 
 Then an idea struck him and stooping over 
 he looked into his basket. Recovering him- 
 self with a great effort he finally said: 
 
 "Madam, when you are through with my 
 lobster, will you kindly return it to me?" 
 
 It took smelling salts to bring her to her- 
 61 
 

 self again, but Bruno was vindicated and 
 Martin got his lobster again. 
 
 103. Alex S. Carlson of Syracuse, once 
 served on a jury. After the jury had re- 
 tired and the matter was under discussion 
 one of the men addressed Carlson and said: 
 
 "If I understand the matter right the plain- 
 tiff doesn't ask damages for blighted affec- 
 tions or anything of that sort, but only wants 
 to get back what he spent on presents, pleas- 
 ure and trips and so forth." 
 
 "That is so," said Carlson. 
 
 "Well, then, I vote we give him back his 
 money,*' came the reply of the man address- 
 ing Carlson. But Carlson had other ideas 
 and said: 
 
 "I am not in favor of giving him a penny. 
 If all the fun he had with that girl don't 
 cover the amount he spent it must have been 
 his own fault. Gentlemen, I courted that girl 
 once myself, so I know." 
 
 104. A. T. Bryson of Lexington, Ken- 
 tucky, once fell into a state of coma, but 
 fortunately awakened before his friends 
 buried him. The excitement was intense. 
 One of his friends asked him how it felt to 
 be dead. 
 
 "Dead!" he exclaimed, "I wasn't dead. 
 And I knew I wasn't dead, because my feet 
 were cold, and I was hungry." 
 
 "But how did that make you sure?" they 
 asked. 
 
 62 
 
"Well," he said, "I knew that if I were in 
 Heaven I shouldn't be hungry, and if 1 was 
 in Hell, my feet would not have been cold.'* 
 
 105. They tell the following on W. L. 
 Eubanks of Lexington. It seemed that he 
 had met a young lady and had asked her to 
 permit him to call upon her. This she did 
 and upon his arriving at her home was 
 seated in the parlor awaiting her coming. 
 Instead of the young lady her mother came 
 in, and in a very grave, stern voice asked 
 him what his intentions were. 
 
 Greatly confused he turned red and began 
 to stammer some incoherent reply when sud- 
 denly the young lady called from the head of 
 the stairs and said: 
 
 "Mamma, mamma, that is not the one!" 
 
 106. L. S. Pinkney of Marlin, Texas, was 
 one day asked by a friend how his football 
 team had come out in a recent game. 
 
 "Rotten!" he said. "It has been beaten 
 by everything on the map except the Colonial 
 Dames." 
 
 107. Leslie P. Grant of Stamford, N. Y., 
 one vacation worked in a dry goods store 
 for a peculiar old Scotchman, who was strong 
 on the Bible. Whenever one of his employees 
 did something that he thought a little ques- 
 tionable, he made him justify his act by a 
 quotation from the Bible, or else leave the 
 place. 
 
 63 
 
One day a woman called to purchase a 
 piece of dress goods, and after looking at 
 nearly every piece of material in the place, 
 he said that he had a better piece of goods 
 in the back of the store. Away he went and 
 upon his return showed her a piece of goods 
 she had already looked at. He spoke of the 
 superiority of this piece over anything else 
 she had seen, and stated that it was worth 
 fifty cents more a yard. She said she could 
 readily see it, and ordered liberally of it. 
 
 The transaction finally reached the ears 
 of his employer, who informed Grant that he 
 must find a Bible quotation to justify his act. 
 
 "How is this?" he said: "She was a 
 stranger, and I took her in." 
 
 1 08. George A. Grover of Toronto was 
 one day passing a group of boys in a circle 
 with a dog in the center. He stopped and 
 asked them what they were doing to the dog. 
 
 "Whoever tells the biggest lie wins him," 
 a kid informed him. 
 
 "I am surprised at you boys, for when I 
 was your age 1 never told a lie," replied 
 Grover. 
 
 There was a silence for a moment, then 
 one of the little fellows spoke up and said: 
 "Give him the dog." 
 
 109. Judge Patrick Keeler of Brooklyn 
 
 one evening had as his guests a Catholic 
 
 priest and a Jewish rabbi. Both guests were 
 
 witty and full of fun. During the evening 
 
 64 
 
the priest leaned towards the rabbi and said: 
 "Rabbi Levi, when are you going to be- 
 come liberal enough to eat ham?" 
 
 "At your wedding, Father Kelley," came 
 the quick reply. 
 
 1 1 0. One day a somewhat critical attor- 
 ney who had been beaten by Wm. L. Bel- 
 knap of Bridgeport, Conn., asked him: 
 
 "Is there any case so low, so foul, so vilely 
 crooked and shameful that you'd refuse it?" 
 
 "Well, I don't know," Belknap replied. 
 "What have you been up to now?" 
 
 111. F. W. McKowne of Buffalo one time 
 was being shown through an insane asylum. 
 In one ward he noticed an unusually bright 
 appearing fellow playing billiards alone. 
 Thinking he might help the fellow enjoy the 
 game, he offered to play, giving him odds of 
 40 to 100. This was done, but the inmate 
 beat him by a big margin. As he started to 
 leave the inmate spoke up and said: 
 
 "If you go about giving odds like that 
 they'll have you in here with me." That's 
 why McKowne takes no chances now. 
 
 112. H. P. Hostetter of Mt. Carroll, Illi- 
 nois, tells about a discussion that a party 
 of men he was with got into one time. The 
 question of who the greatest inventor was 
 was being discussed. One said Edison, an- 
 other Watt, another Morse and so forth, when 
 65 
 
the only Jew in the party spoke up and said: 
 "Veil, chentlemen, dose was great mens, 
 but I tells you dot man wat invented interest 
 was no slouch." 
 
 113. James J. Trickey of Iowa Falls 
 once dropped into a country church to listen 
 to the preacher. In a burst of passionate 
 eloquence in denunciation of the world's 
 wickedness he declared: 
 
 "Hell is full of cocktails, highballs, and 
 peek-aboo waists I" 
 
 This was too much for Trickey, who 
 shouted out loud: "Oh, Death! where is thy 
 sting!" 
 
 I 1 4. Sam Charlson of Lake Mills, Iowa 
 was once asked to say a few words to a 
 country Sunday school. In introducing him 
 the superintendent said: 
 
 "This, children, is Mr. Charlson from Lake 
 Mills. Children, he has come all the way to 
 try to lift your souls from hell. You are not 
 paying attention. Now, can any little boy or 
 girl tell me where this gentleman is from?" 
 
 "From hell," came a chorus of voices. 
 
 115. Samuel P. Coy opened a law office 
 in San Bernardino. He was fortunate in his 
 business and incidentally invested in an of- 
 fice boy. Almost the first thing Coy told 
 him to do was to tell a certain party if he 
 called that he had gone to Europe. Soon 
 after this the boy reported to Coy that Mr. 
 66 
 
Stewart had called that morning. 
 
 "Did you tell him I had gone to Europe, 
 as I told you to do, Edward?" 
 
 "Yes sir," answered Edward. "I told him 
 you started this morning." 
 
 "That's a good boy. What did he say, 
 Edward, to that?" 
 
 "He wanted to know when you'd be back," 
 replied Edward, "and I told him after lunch." 
 
 1 1 6. Recently when Pierson W. Banning 
 was in New York City, he got into a Fifth 
 avenue bus one day. Across from him sat 
 George Cohan and Eddie Foy, though he did 
 not at first notice nor recognize them. 
 
 Foy said to Cohan: "Who is that fat, 
 loudly dressed man that just came in, with 
 the seal ring and diamonds on him? I don't 
 like that fellow's looks and I'm going to 
 make him get off the bus before we reach 
 Madison Square." 
 
 "All right, Eddie," said Cohan, calmly. 
 
 Foy fixed his gaze on Banning's fat hands 
 and a change came over his face. His eyes 
 became dull and staring. His jaw hung slack 
 and loose. 
 
 "Me want ring!" he shouted, suddenly, and 
 he pointed to Banning's hands, and at the 
 same time jumped up and down in his seat 
 and waggled his elbows up and down in the 
 air, just like a baby. "Ring! Me want 
 ring!" 
 
 Cohan took the cue at once: "Hide your 
 hands," he said, quickly to Banning. "Your 
 rings bother him." 
 
 67 
 
Banning frowned uneasily but would not 
 hide his hands. 
 
 "Ring! Ring I Me want ring!" repeated 
 Foy, and Cohan as he strove to hold his 
 friend still, said: 
 
 "Don't give him a ring!" 
 
 "Huh! I guess I won't!" growled Ban- 
 ning. "Give him a ring, indeed!" and he 
 looked at his hands complacently. 
 
 Foy's eyes were now shining. His face 
 was red and contorted. He hopped up and 
 down and waggled his arms more vehemently 
 than ever. "Me want ring!" he roared. 
 "Ring! Ring! Ring!" 
 
 "For heaven's sake," said Cohan, "hide 
 your hands, man. Don't you see you're 
 bringing on a spell? Hide your hands or by 
 heavens I won't be responsible for the con- 
 sequences.** 
 
 A little pale by now, Banning reluctantly 
 put both his hands behind his back. "This 
 is the limit," he said, appealing to the other 
 passengers. "Idiots riding in omnibuses! 
 Isn't that the limit, friends?" 
 
 But Foy leaped to his feet. "Ring!" he 
 roared, and he leaned on Banning's shoul- 
 ders. "Give rne ring!" 
 
 Cohan now seemed to lose all patience. 
 "Oh, hang it," he said, "give him a ring or 
 two and let us have some peace. Can't you 
 see I've lost my power over him?" 
 
 But Banning, tearing his pudgy hands from 
 the persistent Foy's grasp, rose and ran full 
 tilt for the door. 
 
 "Conductor, stop!" he shouted. 
 
 And he leaped off two blocks before Mad- 
 ison Square was reached. 
 68 
 
1 1 6. (Xie evening the Chicago Kent 
 Chapter of the Delta Chi fraternity was hav- 
 ing an initiation in one of the halls used for 
 that purpose by a number of fraternities. 
 During the course of the evening someone 
 looking for the meeting place of the I Phelta 
 Thi fraternity, came to the door by mistake, 
 and rapped long and loud. Finally the wicket 
 was opened and a face appeared on the in- 
 side. Promptly the man gave the pass words 
 of the I Phelta Thi's: "I plow; I spade; I 
 hoe." 
 
 The man on the inside of the door gazed 
 through the wicket for a moment in blank 
 amazement. Then he slowly ejaculated: 
 "The devil you do I" 
 
 The I Phelta Thi man wandered back to 
 the hotel in anything but a happy frame of 
 mind. It required about half an hour to 
 convince himself that he had stumbled into 
 the wrong fraternity. The next morning he 
 met several of the men of his fraternity and 
 told his experience. 
 
 They were alarmed. **Why, man, what 
 have you done! Don't you see you have 
 given away our pass words!" they cried. 
 
 "Never mind," he replied, "I found out 
 theirs." 
 
 69 
 

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