POT TfTFM AM HIS BALLADS THE LIBRARY THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES "S POLICEMAN HIS BALLADS. r " Now like honner'd guests they treat 'em, Whilst they blows a friendly cloud." Page 19, verse iv. Y HIS BALLADS ON WAR AND THE MILITARY. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS. BY JOHN EDWARD SODEN, LONDON : JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74-5, PICCADILLY. U Wyman & Sons, Printers, "J Great Queen St. London, W.C. e CONTENTS. ON THE MILITARY (Illustrated) page i ON " WAR AND GLORY " (Illustrated) - ... 9 ON THE FOLLY OF WAR (Illustrated) - - - - 15 ON NEUTRALITY (Illustrated) 23 ON " How TO STOP IT " (frustrated) - - - - 29 ON THE MORALITY OF THE LAWS OF WAR (Illus- trated) -37 ON "WHAT'S IN A NAME?" (Illustrated) - - - 43 ON SPIES (Illustrated) 49 ON THE SIDE TO LOOK AT (Illustrated) - - - - 55 ON "WHO HAS GOT THE BEST OF IT" (frustrated) 61 ON OUR IMPARTIALITY, AND HOW WE DON'T WANT TO QUARREL WITH NOBODY (frustrated) - - 67 CONCLUSION (Illustrated) 77 82547O POLICEMAN ON THE MILITARY. w HEN will there be put a stop on These here notions we've bin tort ! What Filosofer will drop on Them as he had did to ort ! These ideers false and ojus, When are they a-going to cease, That gives all the fame to Sojers, Whilst they ridicules Perleece ? POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. Why is it consider^ nobler To be struck by steel or lead, Than be batter'd by a cobbler, With his lapstone, on your 'ead ? Seems to me it's just as " glorious " As when fellers at you shoots, When some coves, with drink uproarious, On you jumps with hob-nail'd boots. in. Bar some tips, we gets no booty, When we catch gents up to freaks. They don't fear " excess of dooty " Bringin' 'em afore the beaks. No restraint their arms don't shackle ; Who they kill there ain't no fuss : They have only men to tackle, We've the wimmen and they're wus. Seems to me it's just as 'glorious ' As when fellers at you shoots, When some coves, with drink uproarious, On you jumps with hob-nail'd boots. " 15 2 ON THE MILITARY. IV. When there's peace, their life's all larkin' ; We're on dooty day and night, And the day in, and the dark in, Chance the gettin' in a fight. As for sense they don't require it Don't know what discreshun means ; They've to hold a gun and fire it, Just as if they was macheens. v. Fight they must, and heed they musn't Standing risking being shot ; They know well that run they dusn't, If they did they'd get it 'ot. We don't get no sort of credit, When to jellies we gets mill'd ; Yet them Sojers, and I've red it, Gets called '' Heroes" when they're kill'd. POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. Tain't that glory so will blind 'em, That they seeks the foes attax ; It's the bagonets behind 'em, Proddin' of 'em in their bax. Time this bosh was all exploded ; It's been held too long by harf. When it's to the butcher's goded, Is it brav'ry of the carf ? VII. Sojers' brav'ry ain't all story, 'Tisn't me as contradicks ; But them Sojers gets the glory, Whilst the P'leece gets all the kicks. That's what gets up my resentments, Them being stuck above so high Over us. And them's my sent'ments ; Now you know 'em. P'leeceman Why. It. " When we nin a cove in chokey, We don't holler, don't you know." ON "WAR AND GLORY." W AR and Glory ! Ain't it awful Nonsense to unite the two ! War at best is only lawful When chaps won't keep hands off you. Then, if you wops who prowok 'ee, Why shout " wictory " and crow ? When we run a cove in chokey, We don't holler, don't you know. POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. It's them poets what has done it, Writin' their confounded stuff; If a battle's fort, who won it They can't lather half enuff. Floods of glory he could swim in, Praise and honour pour like rain ; Jest as they have spilte the wimmen, Makin' 'em so plaguey vain. in. Fightin' any way is fightin'. Fact like that no logick twists : All abuse them who delight in Having turn-ups with their fists. Yet I asks why peeple winces I^ess when men set to in heaps ? Why's war grand for kings and princes, Blaggard for two chimbley sweeps ? ON "WAR AND GLORY." IV. By a gen'ralship's requited Him who brings a lot to grief; Kill ten thousand he'll be knighted ; Double that, command'r-in-chief. Fifty thousand through this here age Loud hell have his praises sung ; Half a million gets a peerage ; Kill but one and you gets hung. v. Whilst you deals destrucshun utter To a hunderd thousand men, If you put up one chap's shutter, You'll be told of it agen. What you do wholesale don't shock, it's Petty crime agin one tells ; Jest as one may not pick pockets, May start cump'neys or hotels. PO LIC EM A N Y BALL A DS. VI. Murder being just, they oughter Have no scruples what they use. Why's it fair to kill and slaughter With a steam meat-tray-er-loose. Yet foes' food you musn't pison ? (Which I thinks is much less pain) You may steal food they relies on, Starve 'em, mayn't upset a train. VII. War's so bad, the wus you make it Sooner'll bring it to a close. Them as thirsts for blood, I'd slake it. Giving them an overdose. Like the savidges I'd treat 'em. Which I think 'ud serve 'em right, All the pris'ners, why, I'd eat 'em, That 'ud teach 'em not to fight. ON "WAR AND GLORY." VIII. Though Fame gets you, even beaten, Talked of in the mouths of men, It ain't glory to be eaten, None can't sing about you then. So I says, jest kill and murder, Pison, burn, and mangle ; for, As in horrors you plunge furder, Sooner there'll be end to War. ON THE FOLLY OF WAR. i. T T 7 AR is Folly, that's about it ; * In these here enlighten'd days, Stoopid nonsense. If you doubt it, Lissen here to what I says. 'Tween two kings there's some commoshon, Then a lot of coves go out, Shoots each other, with no noshun What the dooce the row's about. 16 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. War was war when in the tussle, In the old barbaric age, You relied on your own mussle : Hand in hand had war to wage. Your own strength must win the battle, Your own deeds could get renown ; Now, by hunderds, jest like cattle, Standin' still they shoots you down. in. Those who'd settle all by fightin', I tell them, and nashuns too, It's the worst way out of rightin' Wrong, they gets their wack at you. Though you pummel 'em all over, Till they can't be broosed no more, You yourself, you'll soon discover, Ain't so well off as before. III. ; When they tied 'em to a carridge. Draggin' of 'em by the heels." ON THE FOLLY OF WAR. 19 IV. Pamperin' pris'ners I disparidge ; Them old ways suits war, I feels, When they tied 'em to a carridge. Draggin' of 'em by the heels Through the town, to show they'd beat 'era, And the pop'lace jeefd aloud. Now like honner'd guests they treat 'em. Whilst they blows a friendly cloud. v. Now to me it's quite a wonder What a man goes soj'rin' for ! When you could go in for plunder, Then there was some sense in war. Now, although there's heaps of booty, You mayn't touch a single jot ; Then it was but doin' dooty If you collar'd all the lot c 2 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. Same with states as indiwiddles. What they win they musn't nab, Else they'd soon play sekond fiddles ; For, should they attempt to grab, Other states would jine agin 'em, Ekal balance to maintain. So with battles, if you win 'em, You can't never get no gain.* * This was wrote before the Germms Grabb'd Lorraine and stuck to Metz : Having eat up France like verrains, Now they collars them for debts. Like their harvest France would reap hers r For their Rhine she caused these mills If we English are shopkeepers, Can't them Germins make the bills t ON THE FOLLY OF WAR. VII. 'Tain't no good for one nor t'other : Lose or win it's much the same. Arter all the cost and bother, Both finds war a losing game. War is now-a-days all fool'ry, Though you " Gloryus Wict'ry " bawl ; Though it glitters, like sham jool'ry, 'Tain't worth nothin' arter awL ON NEUTRALITY. W HAT is worst in bein' Nooter Of 'em both you hurts the pride. All your leanins, each disputer Says is to'rds the other side. And their dignity it humbles, Their cause just you will not own ; But it's better, tho' they grumbles, Let 'em fight it out alone. 24 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. Them there chaps who 're allers bellerin', Wantin' all to them to lissen, Precious mess they'd get a feller in, Makin' ev'ry quarrel his'n ! Bullyin' becos our sodgers In strange brawls ain't sent to fight. They're a set o' stoopid codgers, Lock 'em up 'ud serve 'em right. in. Why, now they've a Lib'ral Guv'ment, Ain't they quiet and content ? 'Cos themselves in place to shuv meant, That reform on they was bent. We don't want not one of them here ; -We're far safer, I can tell, In the hands of our own Premeer, Than that lot of Clerkenwell. " When two coves is up a alley Having of a good set-to, Don't disturb 'em, if you valley Two eyes for to look out throo. " ON NEUTRALITY. 27 IV. They seems in a awful 'urry We should jine in ev'ry row. They thinks they've no cause for flurry, - They won't have to strike a blow. Though their country doesn't need 'em On their limbs to get no wacks, It'll take good care to bleed 'em With a extre in cum tacks. v. When two coves is up a alley, Having of a good set-to, Don't disturb 'em, if you valley Two eyes for to look out throo. Don't you try to separate 'em, You but get between the blows, Which'll but exasperate 'em : Never meddle in no rows. 28 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. Him who's got the better on it, 'Cos he's stopt will cut up ruff; T'other 'un, depend upon it, Won't own he has had enuff. He'll say you have come destroyin' All the chance that he had got, You've prewented him enjoyin' Payin' t'other chap his lot. VII. " Who in quarrels interposes " They should learn that proverb fust ; For what all experience shows is, Meddlers allers gets off wust. Let's keep war from these dominions, Our best fight is fightin' shy Of others' rows. Them's my opinions. Give me peace. Poleeceman Why. ON "HOW TO STOP IT." w HEN two Guv'ments have a squabble- Let alone it ain't two kings Wants each other's land to gobble.- - And a state of warfare brings, Safe at home they do the talkin', We, the people, bear the brunt ; Some must straight to death go walkin", Whilst the others finds the blunt. POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. Though we have no cause to hate 'era, We must murder all we can ; Kill and wound and mutilate 'em, Ev'ry unoffending man. We've to get a few limbs hack'd off, If we ain't to pieces blown, 'Cos the Guv'ments hain't the tact of Keeping of their tempers down. in. Chasspots, cannons, metrayuses, What you like your weapons call : Both sides fight, to find out whose is Strongest of 'em after all. Without murder one could settle Every battle, I persists. Just as well 'twould prove their mettle, If they merely fought with fists. ON "HOW TO STOP ST." IV. All you want is just to thrash 'em, Just to take 'em down a peg ; You don't want to cut and gash 'em : When once off an arm or leg You can't noways get to grow on : If a fellow's fist you feel, And your eye you get a blow on, Though it's painful, it'll heal. v. If you can't noways upset 'em, When foes will come collarin' you, Why, I says it's wise to let 'em, It saves trouble and adoo. If my safety they'd but vouch for, I'd as soon have foreign sway ; I'd write up " Her spreight man Deutsch " or " Ici ong parlay Francay." 32 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. If the Governments won't stop it, Causing rows for polly ticks, It's the people as should stop it, And prevent 'em playing tricks. We ought just to stop their capers. Making war to suit their books. Only them and ap'ny papers On it as a blessin' looks. VII. All the people who've no quarrels Suffer for some party's acts : They don't want to win no laurels, Nor get government contracts. One great Union should combine 'em, Every nation all alike ; Pledges they should take and sign 'em 'Gainst each other not to strike. V. " Only nus'ry maids admires 'em, Which to mischief allus leads." ON "HOW TO STOP IT." 35 VIII. Sojers don't stop wars, they cause 'em ; Wars is made to keep them quiet. Put down swaddys I abhors 'em ! Guv'ments then could make no riot. Put 'em down, no one requires 'em ; Sojers all is evil weeds ! Only nus'ry maids admires 'em, Which to mischief allus leads. IX. That would somewhat ease our shoulders From the taxes we've to bear ; They'd be thankful, them householders Who have got a barricks near. As the streets, so I'd each state in Order keep, and keep in peace. Simply by the regulatin' International Perleece. D 2 ON THE MORALITY OF THE LAWS OF WAR. i. T F a reg'ment's busy cookin', - In a nice seclooded spot, You may, when they ain't a-lookin', Blaze away among the lot. You've no call to give 'em quarter ; Jest like rats you kill 'em there ; When whole regiments you slaughter, That's consider'd straight and fair. 38 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. If as prisoners they catches You, you're safe prowided for ; Giving you a single scratch is Dead agin the laws of war. It's quite right, I don't deny it, When you're took to let you be ; Killin' them who're captured why it Would be but a massacree. in. If a sojer, bought and paid for, With no special cause to fight Bar it's what a sojer's made for He is but a-doing right If he sees another walkin', Keepin' sentry to and fro, He may steal up like deerstalkin', And may pot him like a crow. VI. He may steal up like deerstalkin', And may pot him like a crow." ON THE MORALITY OF THE LA WS OF WAR. 41 IV. Should a man, in desparation, As he sees the ruffians come, Seize a gun, and take his station, To defend his house and home : To defend his native villidge, To defend as who would not Wife from insult, goods from pillidge, If they caught him he'd be shot. v. Though agin' the laws o' nations, Butch'rin them who're pris'ners made, They've a right on these occasions, 'Cause he ain't a sojer paid. Of what's just they have a nice sense, Shooting they think's all the same ; You must go and get a license, Just as if a man was game. 42 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. One man fights to check th' invader, Fights to set his country free ; T'other's but in war a trader He's the worser, seems to me. Bah ! all war is sinful, bnital ! War I wonder no one tries Ending by the institootal Of a force like P'leeceman Whys. ON "WHAT'S IN A NAME?" T T 7 HAT I 'olds and what I says is, Give a thing its proper name ; Under them nice-sounding frases Things don't somehow seem the same. War has such a lot of glitter : So much trowsis striped with gold. Seems to me 't'ud be more fitter If the ugly truth was told. 44 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. There'd be good in the uprootal Of them words we so misplace. 'Stead o' Glorious say Brootal, 'Stead o' Grand declare war Base. 'Stead o' wreathin' brows with laurels, When of blood they bear the stain (If it's them as makes the quarrels), Brand 'em with the brand of Cain. in. Nothing can be more absurder, When no gloss is on it left. Call all war and killing Murder, Call all requisitions Theft ; All them rooze de gar res call sneaking, All the pomp and show call bounce ; Call lies proclamashuns seaking Loss as Wict'ry to announce. ' ' Pull off all them tags and gewgaws, Pull off eppylets and plumes ! All this fin'ry is the troo caws Sojers such a lot assumes." ON "WHATS TN A NAME?" 47 IV. Pull off all them tags and gewgaws, Pull off eppylets and plumes ! All this fin'ry is the troo caws Sojers such a lot assumes. Call their trade the noblest goin' ! I don't reckon it the fust ; Stop this puffin' and this blowin', It'll then appear the wust. ON SPIES. A LL is fair in War's a motter Everybody thinks is just. You've your wits to use, and not to Only to your walour trust. When to somehow overmatch 'em Is what either party tries, Why's it counted, when you catch 'em, Strate and fair to murder spies ? 50 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. Not shoot spies ! lor' ! well I never ! Such ideers I never met ! When they goes they knows if ever They gets collar'd what they'll get 'Cos the task themselves they chooses, When the punishment is know'd, That their murderers excuses ; Them there argyments be blow'd. in. If a king says, Look'ee 'ere, now ! Let us both act strate and fair ; None of my tricks don't you fear now, I shall fight upon the square. So to them I give a caushun, Who'd come prying in disguise, Just a rope shall be their porshun : / ain't goin' to use no spies. VIII. " Both will use spies' informashun, Jolly glad to get it, too." ON SPIES. 53 IV. That there's sense in : but, deny it If you can, it ain't the place Of any one to profit by it, If that spyin's mean and base. Though they count a spy's wocashun Such a sneaking thing to do, Both will use spies' informashun, Jolly glad to get it, too. v. Why are all such detestators Of the simple name of spy ? Mind, I don't count spies as traitors, Such as them I'd hang up high. They must to the knocker right up Be with courage, tact, and nerve : Though I'd lock 'em precious tight up, Hangin's what they don't deserve. ON THE SIDE TO LOOK AT. T ET all them as allus bellers ' Of the glory warfare sheds, Drop the praises of them fellers Who wear cocktails on their heads. Drop the grand] er and the splender Of the uniforms and clothes, And a truer pickter render ; All that vaperin' I loathes. 56 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. Let 'em write of health and vigger Struck down, shatter'd, crippled, kill'd ; Let 'em talk of savidge rigger, When a foe's with wengeance fill'd. Young men, strong with life and power, Mow'd like grass before a sythe, Who, uncared for hour by hour, Helpless in their tortcher writhe. in. Of the wounded and the dyin', StifFnin' on the place they fell, 'Mid a heap of corpses lyin' Hidyus sight, and loathsome smell Some despairin', others bravin 1 All the hagony and grief ; Fever'd throats for water cravin' Through the night, yet no relief. ON THE SIDE TO LOOK AT. 57 IV. Peaceful peasants turn'd to wretches, By the ruin round them spread ; Mutilatin' them they ketches No ; not rev'rencin' the dead. Savidge passions rise and revel, That in peace are curb'd and screen'd ; War frees all the pent-up devil, And a man becomes a fiend. v. Homesteads burnt and towns destroy'd ; Progress stopp'd, mankind debaste ; Fruitful valleys render'd void, Barren, desolate, and waste. Murder rampint ; Mercy strangled ; Fever's pestilenshal breath ; Helpless wimmen torn and mangled, Little childern starved to death. 58 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. Then to all these griefs and losses Add the last and final stroke, Tell of eatin' old 'bus 'orses, Tell of eatin' of a moke ! That most awful notion flummicks One. Yes ! that's the plan ! In appealin' to our stomicks, That's what touches every man. IX. " Tell of eatin' of a moke." ON "WHO HAS GOT THE BEST OF IT." ~\T OW this awful war is ended, Let us give both sides a hand. Them there Germins done it splendid, In a style that's right-down grand. It's a pity they have soil'd That good name they might have had Them villages they burnt and spoil'd, That was out and out too bad. 62 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. True, the French have done like heroes ; Yet one half of their mishaps And their troubles they, I fear, owes To them there Republic chaps. All the name they'd lost they saved in Paris, none at her can scorf ; Still, if they had sooner caved in, They'd have been much better orf. in. Though both sides deserve some credit For the actions I have named, They have done things, and I've red it, Which should make 'em both ashamed. Therefore, though they've both wic-tories, They need not inflate their lungs ; Of them both their's nasty stories, So they'd better hold their tongues. : Well done, England ! Brayvo Us ! " O.V "WHO HAS GOT THE BEST OF ST." 65 IV. But of Triumphs there is still one, Though not shouted out aloud ; It's the giving half a million, That's the sort to make one proud. Them's the Triumphs ! to resent 'em They won't never make a fuss. It's the food and help we've sent 'em Well done, England ! Brayvo Us ! ON OUR IMPARTIALITY, AND HOW WE DON'T WANT TO QUARREL WITH NOBODY. i. T~\ON'T let no one think we've sended *~^ Paris grub because she's French. No ; Old England had befriended Them whose hunger she could quench. Quite sufficient that one claim is Our hearts' tend'rest cords to strike ; French and Germin but a name is, We are Christians all alike. F 2 68 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. II. What's done wrong we give both blame for, What's done right we give each praise ; French or Germin we're the same for, We don't no distincshun raise. Them there French is glorious fellers, Fust in Science and in Art : Don't their Cook'ry make one jellus ! Then their Wimmen ain't they smart ? in. I don't know, of both them nashuns, Whose goodwill we'd miss the wus. Germins, why they're our relashuns, Their Crown Prince is one of us. There is so much solid in 'em ; What they do, they understands. I've one only thing agin 'em It's them horrid Germin bands. XI. " So let's all be iriends again.' ON OUR IMPARTIALITY, &c. 71 IV. By their worth's the way to judge 'em, By the mind and not the might : It's their intellex we grudge 'em, Not who won or lost a fight. War of which we've had a sickener Upsets matter, upsets mind; Rivalry in Art's a thickener Of the ties that nashons bind. v. War we'll hope we've seen the dose of; Sick of it we long have got ; Which them two has had a dose of, If they ha'n't, they likes things 'ot. Let's hope all will take a lessin, ' And their sarcy tongues restrain, Now of Peace we know the blessin' ; So lef s all be friends again. 72 POLICEMAN Y BALLADS. VI. Roosher sent that note o' his'n Jest a little bit too fast ; Still, to his complaints we'll lissen, If a proper way we're arst. Pride and dignity to stan' to Does to ages dark belong ; Greater act no nashun can do Than to own it's in the wrong. VII. Why we always is a naggin' Why do some folks seem to wish With Ameriky to drag in War for " sentiment " or " fish " ? If them petty aggrawations Soots for polly tickle ends, I am sure both poppylations Only wishes to be friends. ON' OUR IMPARTIALITY, &c. 73 VIII. Quarrelling we ought to shun there, Stop all cavilling and fuss. Foreigneers ! why I've a son there ; They speaks English just like us. Not the diff'rence of a feather One from t'other 's scarcely know'd. Them and we should stick together, Then the rest might all be blow'd. XII. " Just to sum up what I've sayd here, Settle all disputes by law." POLICEMAN HIS CONCLUSION. JUST to sum up what I've sayd here, Settle all disputes by law. Though the lawyers make you pay dear. 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A Third Supply of Yankee Drolleries, comprising the best recent Works of American Humorists. A. WARD'S FENIANS; MARK TWAIN ; AUTOCRAT BREAKFAST TABLK ; BRET HAUTE ; INNOCENTS ABROAD. With an Introduction by GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA, Crown 8vo, 700 pa?es, cloth extra, 3*. 6d. *** An entirely new gathering of Transatlantic humour. Fourteen thousand copies have been sold of the ist and znd series. John Camden Holten, 74 and 75, PiccadiUy^ W. J VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. UNIFORM WITH MR. RUSKIN'S EDITION OF " GERMAN < POPULAR STORIES." New Book of Delightful Tales." Family Fairy Tales;" or, Glimpses of Elfland at Heatherston Hall." Edited by CHOLMON- DELEY PENNELL, Author of " Puck on Pegasus," &c., adorned with beautiful pictures of "My Lord Lion," "King Uggermugger," and other great folks. Handsomely printed on toned paper, in cloth, green and gold, price 43. 6d. plain, 53. 6d. coloured. *** This charming volume ha been universally praised by the critical press. 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By HAURY CURAVEN. Fc*p 8co, cl >tb. 59. ; half-morocco, 6?. " A pleasant little volume of translations from modern French poets." Graphic, Aug. 20, 1870. 4 John Camden flatten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. Price to Subscribers, 179., afterwards to be raised to 369. Life and Newly-Discovered Writings of Daniel Defoe. Comprising Several Hundred Important Essays, Pamphlets, and other Writings, now first brought to light, after many years diligent search. By WILLIAM LEE, Esq. With Facsimiles and Illustrations. %* For many years it has been well known in literary circles that the gentleman to whom the public is indebted for this valuable addition to the knowledge if Defoe's Life and Works has been an indefatigable collector of everything relating to the subject, and that such collection had reference to a more full and correct Memoir than had yet been given to the world. In 3 vols., uniform with " Macaulay's History of England." Vol. I. A NEW MEMOIR OF DEFOE. Vols. 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" Here we hare tome very pretty and readable poo try some of It so much above the arerage aa. to warrant expectations of something far better, and we shall lock forward with Interest to the ueit volume from tho same baud." Giobe. The Idolatress, and other Poems. By Dr. James Wills, Author of "Dramatic Scenes," "The Disembodied," and of various Poetical Contributions to " Blackwood's Magaeine." Price 6s- "One Brent merit of the ' Idolatresr' Is to be fonnd In the ability with which the writer has con- trasted a spiritual faith and its claims, the consciev.cn, ivi'h a material (aiih that captivates the Imagination through the senses." AlKSTxrui*, July llth, 1863. lyrics and Eucolics. The Eclogues of Virgil, a Selection from the Odes of Horace, and the Legend of the Sibyll. Translated by HERBERT NOTES, Esq. An elegant little volume, bound in blue and gold, carmine edges, price 43. 6d. $y the same Author. An Idyll of the "Weald. With other Lays and Legends. By HERBERT NOTES, Esij. In uniform binding, price 93. The New Poetical Satire. Horse and Foofw or, Pilgrims to Parnassus. By RICHARD CRAWLEY. "I'll not march through Coventry with them, that's flat." Price 33. 6d. |g- The "Pall Mall Gazette" has just given two columns of satisfac- >tory criticism upon this work. Wit and Humour. By the "Autocrat of the Break- fast Table." In crown 8vo, toned paper, elegant, price 33. 6J. * A rolnme of delightfully humorous Poems, very similar to the mirthful Terse* of Tom Hood. Readers will not be dUappoiuted with this work. Songs of the Nativity. Old English Religious Ballads and Carols. An entirely new collection of Old Carols, including some never before given in any collection. With Music to the more popular. Edited by W. H. HUSK, Librarian to the Sacred Harmonic Society. In email 4to, with very beautiful floriated borders, in the Ecnaissance style, cloth gilt, price us. 6d. John Camden flatten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT XEW BOOKS. 'The Secret Out; or, One Thousand Tricks with Cards, and other Kecreations ; with Entertaining Experiments in Drawing-Room or " White Magic." By GUSTAVE FRIKELL, Professor of the Art for twenty-five years. With 300 engravings, crown 8vo. cloth, 49. 6. 8vo. SIXTY-ONE TULL-PAOE EXGKAVINGS OF EXTRAORDINARY PERSONS. 73. 6J. ** One of the cheapest and most amusing books ever published. There are so mnnj- ourlou matters discussed in this volume, that any person who tnkes it up will not readily lay it down. THr iiitif'liirtiitn it almost entiiehj devoted to a consideration of Pig-Faced Ladiet, and the various stories concerning them. Artemus Ward in London. Including his well-known Letters to " Punch." Square i6;no, is. 6d. ; cloth, is. ** An entirely new volume of Wit and Fun by tho famous humorist, and one which is sure to become popular. NEW BOOK ON THE LONDON PARKS. Taking the Air ; or, the Story of our London Parks. By JACOB LARWOOD. With numerous illustrations. 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VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. The Champion Fig of England. A Capital Story for Schoolboys. Cloth gilt. With spirited Illustrations by Concanen, coloured and plain, 33. 6d. " He was a pip take him for all In all, We ne'er shall look upon hi* like again." UNIFOKM WITH MR. RUSKIN'S EDITION OF "GERMAN POPULAR STORIES." Prince Ubbely Bubble's New Story Book. THE DRAGON ALL COVERED WITH SPIKES. THE LONG-TAILED NAG. THE THREE ONE-LEGGED MEN. THE OLD FLY AND THE YOUNG FLY TOM AND THE OGRE. And many other tales. By J. TEMPLETON LUCAS With numerous Illustrations by Matt Morgan, Barnes, Gordon Thompson, Brunton, and other artists. In small 4to, green and gold, 43. 6d. Gilt leaves, 53. 6d. *** This is an entirely new story-book, and one that is likely to become very popular. Acrostics in Prose and Verse. Edited by A. E. H. izmo, gilt cloth, gilt edges, 33. SECOND SERIES. I2mo, gilt cloth, gilt edges, 33. THIRD SERIES, izmo, gilt cloth, gilt edges, 33. FOURTH SERIES. 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The text a mainly founded on a careful comparison of the Timet newspaper and Hantard'i Debate*, as corrected by Mr. Disraeli, and of which the publisher has obtained special licence to avail himself. Arteimis Ward's Lecture at the Egyptian Hall, with the Panorama, 6s. Edited by T. W. ROBERTSON (Author of " Caste," " Ours," " Society," &c.), and E. P. KINGSTON. Small 4to, exqui- sitely printed green and gold, WITH NUMEROUS TINTED ILLUSTRATIONS, price 63. " Mr. Hotten has conceived the happy idea of printing Arternus Ward's ' Lecture' in such a way as to afford the reader an accurate notion of the emphasis, by-play, &c., with which it was delivered. We have no hesita- tion in saying that Mr. Hotten has almost restored the great humorist to the flesh." Daily Telegraph. " The tomahawk fell from our hands as wo roared with laughter the pipe of peace slipped from between our lips as our eyes filled with tears! Laughter for Artemus's wit tears for his untimely death ! This bonk is a record of both. Those who never saw Artemus in the tic sh, let them read of him in the spirit." Tomahawk. i; It actually reproduces Ward's Lecture, which was brimful of first-class wit and humour." Daily Neat. " It keeps you iu fit* of laughter." Leader. 'One of the choice and curious volumes for the Usue of which Sir. Hotten has become famous." lily Press. "The Lecture is not alone droll; It U full of information." Examiner. "It adds one to the books of genuine fun we have got" Sunday Timet. Reclding's (Cyras) Personal Reminiscences of Emi- nent Men. Thick cr. 8vo, three vols., 53. complete. ** Full of amusing stories of eminent Literary and oilier Celebrities of the present century. The v:ork is a fund of anecdote. Apply to Mr. Hotten DIRECT for this work. John Camdcn Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. THE NEW "PUKIANA SERIES" OF CHOICE ILLUSTRATED WORKS OF HUMOUR. JShganfty printed on toned paper, full gilt, gilt *%, for tf* Drawing Room, price 6*. each : 1. Carols of Cockayne. By Henry S. Leigh. Vers de Societ^ and charming Verses descriptive of London Lile. With numer- ous exquisite little designs by ALFRED COXCASEIT and the late JOH LEECH. (Small 410, elegant, uniform with " Puniana," 6s. 2. The "Bab Ballads" New Illustrated Book of Hu. MOCE ; OB, A GKEAT DEAL OP RHTMB WITH VFRT LITILB KEASON. By W. S. GILBBXT. WITH A MOST XACGHABLR ILLUSTRATION OK BBABLY EVERY PAGS, DBAW5 BY IUB ACTHOB. Uu toned paper, gilt edges, price 6s. " An awfully Jolly Book for Parlies." 3. Puniana. Best Book of Riddles and Purs ever formed. Thoughts Wise and Otherwise. With nearly 100 exquisitely fanciful drawings. Contains nearly 3.000 of the best Biddies and 10.000 most outrageous Puns, and is one of the most popular books ever issued. New edition, uniform with the "Bab Ballads," price 6s. Why did Du Chaillu get to angry when he wot chaffed about tkt Gorilla 1 Why ? we ask. Why is a chrysalis like a hot roll ? Ton will doubtless remark, " Be~ cause it's the grub that makes the butter Jly !" But see " Puniana." Why is a wide-awake hat so called ? Because it never had a nap, ani never wants one. The Faturiny Rtttiftf surt of th'u molt imuiioi work " Enormous barlerque noapproarbibl* and pre-eminent. We venture to think that thu very queer volume i!l be a favourite. It deaerve* to be 10 : and e abould au^ (eat that, to a dull perton aetirout to xet credit with the roanf holiday people, it would be ^ooti policy Co invest in tiie book, aud dole it out by matahnenti." John Camden Hotten, 74 a*d 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. Seymour's Sketches. A Companion Volume to " Leech's Pictures." The Book of Cockney Sports, Whims and Oddities. Nearly 200 highly amusing Illustrations. Oblong 410, a handsome volume, half morocco, price 123. A re-issue of the famont pictorial comicalities which were so popular thirty years ajco. Th volume is admirably adapted for a table-book, and tbe pictures will doubtless airam meet with that gnnuUrU) which WK extended towards them when the artist projected withMr.IJickeni tbe lamou* P.ckwick Papers." The Famous DOCTOR SYNTAX'S " r Three Tours. One of the most Amusing and Laughable Books ever published. With the whole of Eowlandson's very droll full-page illustrations, in colour s f after the original drawings. Comprising the well-known TouiiS: 1. In Search of the Picturesque. 2. In Search of Consolation. 3. In Search of a Wife. The three series complete and unabridged from the original editions in one handsome volume* with a Life of this industrious Author the En- glish Le Sge now first written by John Canidcs iictttn. 10 %* It is not a little surprising that the most voluminous and popular English writer since the days of Defoe should never before have received the small honour of a biography. This Edition contains the whole of th original, hitherto sold for i us. 6d., but which \s now published at 7s. 6d. only. A VERY USEFUL BOOK. In folio, half morocco, cloth sides, 73. 6d. Literary Scraps, Cuttings from Newspapers, Extracts, Miscellanea, &c. A FOLIO -SCRAP-BOOK OF 340 COLUMNS, formed for the reception of Cuttings, &c., with guards. CSS* Authors and literary men have thanked the publisher for this useful look. *. A most useful volume, and one of the cheapest ever sold. The book ii sure to be appreciated* and to become popular. Hone's Scrap Book. A Supplementary Volume to the " Every -Day Book," the "Year Book," and the "Table-Book." From the MSS. of the late WILLIAM HONE, with upwards of One Hundred and Fifty engravings of curious or eccentric objects. Thick 8vo, uniform with "Year-Book," pp. 800. [ In preparation. John Camden 'Rotten, 74 and 75, P-'ecadiUy, W. "His capital speeches. Every one of them rends like a pnge_of ' Pickwick.'" The C ' This day, price ^s. 6d., with fine Portrait by Count D'Orsay, 370 pp, SPEECHES LITERARY AND SOCIAL. BY CHARLES DICKENS. NOW FIRST COLLECTED, WITH CHAPTERS ON "CHARLES DICKENS AS A LETTER WRITER, POET, AND PUBLIC READER." John Camdeu Hottcti, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, ll r . " Anecdotes seem to have poured in upon the author from all quarters. * * * Turn where we will through these 370 pleasant pages, something worth reading is sure to meet -the eye." The Standard. Thi: day, price 7s. 6d., ivit/i numerous Portraits and Illustrations, TflQpp. CHARLES DICKENS jre IStorg Qi i$ jfife BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE LIFE OF THACKERAY" WITH ILLUSTRATIONS AND FACSIMILES. John Camdtn Hotlen, 74 - TRATIONS. To the designs o/ GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, JOHN LEECH. JULIAN PORTCH, "PHIZ," and other artists, SIR NOEL PATON, MILLAIS, JOHN TENNIEL, RICHARD DOYLE, and M. ELLEN EDWARDS have now contributed several exquisite pictures, thus making the new edition ivhich is TWICE THE SI/E OF THE OLD ONE, and contains irresistibly funny pieces THE JiEiST BOOK FOR THE DRAWING-ROOM TABLE NOW PUBLISHED. In $to, printed within an india-paper tone, and elegantly bound, gilt, gilt edges, price los. 6d. only. John Camden Rotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. MOST AMUSING NEW BOOK. Caricature History of the Georges (House of Hanover). Very entertaining book of 640 pages, with 400 Pictures, Caricatures, Squibs, Broadsides, Window Pictures. By T. WIUGIIT, i'.S.A. 73. 6d- %* Companion Volume to "History of Signboards." Reviewed in almost every English journal with highest approbation. "A set of caricature* such a we hare in Mr. Wright's volume brings the surface of the a;* before at with a vividness that no prone writer, even of the highest power, couM emulate. Mra:i'H> ' '""" brilliant sentence is weak by tlie si Js of the little woodcut fro V Uurkc aiid Fox." Satuiday Keciev, torn Gilirav wicli give* * A more amusing work of its kind never issued from the press." Art Joumal " Tils is one of tlio most agreeable and interesting books of the season." Public Opinitn. " It seems superfluous to say that this Is an entertaining bock. It is Indeed one of the most entertaining books we have read for a long time. It ii history teaching by caricature. There i bardly an event of note, hardly a personage of ma*k, hardly a social whimsey worth a moment's police, which is not satirised and illustrated in thee paces. We have here tiie caricaturists from Hogarth to Gillray, and from Uillray to Cruikthank." JOrnin; Star. 41 It is emphatically one of the liveliest of book*, as also one of the most Interesting. It has th twofold merit of bjinz at once amusing ami eilifying. The 6UO odd pages which make up Ilia Coodly volume are douMy enhanced by soma 400 illustration*, ol which a doten art full-pig* engravings." Morning 1'ost, "Sir. Thomas Wright Is so ripe a scholar, and is so rich in historical reminiscences, that he cannot fail to make an interesting book on an; subject he undertakes to illustrate, tie has achieved sccce&s on the p. ciant occasion. /Vcis Hotice. Large-paper Edition. 4to, only 100 printed, on extra fine paper, wide margins for the lovers of choice books, with extra Portraits, half-morocco (a capital book to illustrate), 303. Romance of the Reel : an Anecdotal History of the Birch in Ancient and Modern Timos. With some quaint illustrations. Crown Svo, handsomely printed. [In preparation* John Camden Eotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. ^* VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. Popular Shilling Books of Humour. ARTEMUS WARD : His BOOK. ARTEUUS WABD AMONO THE MORMOXS. BIGLOW PAPERS. OEPHEUS C. KERE PAPERS. JOSH BILLINGS. HOOD'S VERB VEREKER. HOLMES' WIT AND HUMOUB. NEVER CAUGHT. CHIPS FROM A ROUGH Loo. MB. SPUOUTS : His OPINIONS. Yankee Drolleries. Edited by George Augustus Sala, Containing Artemus Ward ; Biglow Papers ; Orpheus C. Kerr ; Major Jack Downing ; and Nasby Papers. One of the cheapest books ever published. New Edition, on toned paper, cloth extra, 700 pages, 39. 6d. Orpliens C. Kerr Papers. The Original American Edition, Three Series, complete. 3 vols. 8vo, cloth; sells at i is. 6d., now specially offered at 153. A inott mlrth-proToking work. It was Drat Introduced Into thli country by the EnglUk officert who were quartered during the late war on the Canadian frontier. They found it one of the drollcit plecea of compoaitioa they bad tret met with, and to brought copies over for the delectation of their friend*. A Keepsake for Smokers. " The Smoker's Text- Book." By J. HAMER, F.E.S.L. This day, exquisitely printed from " eilver-faced" type, cloth, very neat, gilt edges, 2s. 6d., post free. THE TRUE CONSOLER. HE who loth Dot mot. hlh tht k.o.n BO ,,..1 fri.h. or r.fi,.lh orrow* which ih. bout! th. priTil.n o . .d*Id f -om ob.^l mf1A* . On Ih. whoh. then. wom*a IK i' i >1& tK. wd miliAt. Ju^iur. hkfif tit 017 bUoc^ and w.i t h them both ; Mi if thoa s i T Ih. picf.rra.. to wumaa. alt 1 CM) M7 it. tli. n.st urn. Juno ruffle* Bt LW1LS. U1 !> "Ilk '!" "A p'pe Is great comforter, a pleasant lootber. The man who imok.l thinks like a s-je, ccd eta like a Samaritan." Bulwer. " A tiny volume, dedicated to the votariet of the weed j beantlf ully printed on toned paper In, w believe, the eraalleat type ever made (cast especially for aliowat the Great E.tlnbition in Hyde Park), but very clear notwit!ntaa*inp its minuteness. . . . The pages sing in various itylca tho pra'&ea of tobacco. Amongst the writers laid under contribution tie Uulwer, Kjugsley, Cliulei Lmb, Thackeray, Isaac Browne, Cowper, and Byron." Thi Pitld. Xiatigliing Philosopher (The), consisting of several Thousand of the best JOKES, WITTICISMS, PUNS, EPIGRAMS, HUMOROUS STORIES, and Witty Compositions in the English Language ; intended as "Fun for the Million." Square izmo, nearly 800 pages, frontis- piece, half morocco neat, js. 6d. JvTm Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, TT. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BO OKS. The History of Advertising in all Ages and Countries. A Companion to the " HISTORY OF SIGNBOARDS." With many very amusing Anecdotes and Examples of Successful Advertisers. By MESSRS. LARWOOD and HOTTEN. [In preparation. Signboards : their History. With Anecdotes of Famous Taverns and remarkable Characters. By JASOB LARWOOD and JOHN CAMDEN HOTTKN. "A book which will delight all." /Spectator. Thij day, Fourth Edition, pages 580, price 73. 6d. only. from t\t " Timn.* "It is not fair om taa pert of a re- viewer to pick oat he plums of an author's book, thus filching away his cream, and leaving little but (kirn-milk remaining; but, even If we were ever so maliciously indiced. From the " Timti. m we could cot ID the present instance pick out all Messrs. Larwood and Hit- ten's plums, because the good things are so numerous as to defy the most whole- sale depredation." Review / thrct calumra. BULL AND MOUTH. (Angel St. St Xartln'i-le-Qnnd, circs 1809^ ** Nearly too most curious illustrations on wood are given, showing the various old signs which were formerly hung from taverns and other houses. The frontispiece represents the famous sign of "The Man loaded with Mischief," in the colours of the original painting said to have been executed by Hogarth. Notice. "Large-paper Edition," with Seventy-Two extra Illustrations (not given in the small edition), showing Old London in the days when Signboards hung from almost every house. In 4to, half -morocco neat, 303. Only a small number printed on extra fine paper with wide margins for the lorer of fine boots The Parks of London. Their History and Asso- ciations from the Earliest Times. By JACOB LARWOOD. WITU ILLUS- TRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR. [In the Press. AN EXTRAORDINARY BOOK. Hotten's Edition of " Contes Drolat.iq.ties " (Droll Tales collected from the Abbeys of Loraine). Par BALZAC. With Four Hundred and Twenty-five Marvellous, Extravagant, and Fan- tastic Woodcuts by GUSTAVE DORE. Beautifully printed, thick 8vo, half morocco, Roxburghe, I2g. 6d. * The most singular designs ever attempted by any artist This book Is a fond of amusement So crammed is it with pictures that even the contents are adorned with thirty-three illustrations. Direct application must be made to Sir. Hottenfor this work. John Camden HbtJen, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. Sets of "Punch," 18411860. Elr. Hottcn lias purchased from the Messrs. Virtue and Co. their ENTIRE REMAINDER of this important set of books, which contains, among its 12,000 illus- trations and Contributions from the most noted Wits of the time, the WHOLE OF LEECH'S SKETCIITS, 4vols. ; LEECH'S PENCILLINGS z vola TENNIEL'S CARTOONS; DOYLE'S MR. PIPS HYS DIARY; MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE ENGLISH; BROWN, JONES, AND EODINSON; Punch's Almanacks, I vol. ; Thackeray's Miscellanies, 4 vols. ; The Caudle Lectures ; Story of a Feather ; &c., &c. 39 half-yearly vols. bound in 20 vols., cloth gilt, gilt edges, published at 16 ios., to be obtained of Mr. Hotten for 6 ios. ONLY. The Standard Work on Diamonds and Precious Stones; their History, Value, and Properties, with Simple Tests for Ascer- taining their Reality. By HAHRT -EMANUEL, F.R.G.S. With nume- rous Illustrations, tinted and plain. New Edition, Prices brought down to Present Time, full gilt, izs. 6d. * Win be acceptable to many reader*." Tina. " An Invaluable work for buyers and lellcra." Speciattr. See the Timti' Review- of three column* *,* TJiis new edition is greatly superior to the previous one. It givet the latest market value for Diamonds and Precious Stones of every size. Tho Young Botanist : A Popular Guida to Elciuentary Botany. By T. S. EALPH, of the Linnsean Society. In i vol., with 300 Drawings from Nature, 2s. 6d. plain, 43. 6d. coloured by hand. ** An excellent bnok for tlio vmi": beginner. The object! iclrctcd u UlojiraUoBf are either ay of acceas s ipccUacus of wUJ (.la jU, or are common io gardens. punter's Iflodern Confectioner. The Best Book on Confectionery and Desserts. An Entirely New Edition of this Standard Work on the Preparation of Confectionery and the Arrange- ment of Desserts. Adapted for private families or large establish- ments. By WILLIAM JEANES, Chief Confectioner at Messrs. Gunter's (Confectioners to Her Majesty), Berkeley-square. With Plates, post Svo, cloth, 6s. 6d. "All housekeeper! hould hire if Daily Telegrsfk. %* This u-ork has won for itself the reputation of "being the Standard English Book on the preparation of all kinds of Confectionery, and on the rjTanjci/ienf of Desserts. John C&mden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS: NEW BOOK BY THE " ENGLISH GU3TAVE DORE." COMPANION TO THE "HATCHET-THROWERS." Legends of Savage Life. By James Greenwood, the famous Author of " A Night in a Workhouse." With 36 inimitably droll illustrations, drawn and coloured by ERNEST GRISET, the " English Gustavo Dore." 4to, coloured, 73. 6d. ; plain, 53. ** Readers who found amusement in the " Hatchet-Throwers " will not regret any acquaintance they may form with this comical work. The pictures are among the most surprising which have come from this artist's pencil. "AMunchausen sort of book. The drawings by M. Griset are very powerful and eccentric." Saturday Kerieu: School Life at Winchester College; or, the Remi- niscences of a Winchester Junior. By the Author of "The- Log of the Water Lily," and "The Water Lily on the Danube." Second edition, revised, coloured plates, 73. 6d. ** This book does for Winchester what " Torn Brown's School Days " did for Rugby. Log of the " Water Lily " (Thames Gig), during Two Cruises in the Summers of 1851-52, on the Rhine, Neckar, Main, Moselle, Danube, and other Streams of Germany. By R. B. MANS- FIELD, B.A., of University College, Oxford, and illustrated by ALFRED THOMPSON, B.A., of Trinity College, Cambridge. [In preparation. ** This was the earliest boat excursion of the kind ever made on the Continental rivers. Very recently the subject has been revived again in the exploits of Mr. MacGregor in his " Kob Koy Canoe. 1 ' The volume will bo found most interesting to those who propose taking a similar trip, whether on the Continent or elsewhere. The Hatchet-Throwers. With Thirty-six Illustra- tions, coloured after the Inimitably Grotesque Drawings of ERNEST GRISET, the English Gustavo Dore. 4to, cloth gilt, 73. 6d. ; plates, uncoloured, 53. ** Comprises the astonishing adventures of Three Ancient SIa;incrs, the Brothers Brass of Bristol, Mr. Corker, and Mungj Midge. Melchior Gorles. By Henry Aitchenbie. 3 vols. 8vo, i us. 6d. *,* The Xew Novel, illustrative of " Mesmeric Influence," or whatever else V76 may choose t term that strange power which some persons exercise over others. John Camden Hottcn, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. Original Edition of Blake's Works. NOTICE. Mr. Hotten has in preparation a few facsimile copies (exact as to paper, printing the ivater-colour drawings being filled in by an artist) of the ORIGINAL EDITIONS of the Books written and Illustrated by WILLIAM BLAKE. As it is only intended to produce with utmost care a few examples of each work, Mr. Hotten will be glad to hear from any gentleman who may desire to secure copies of these wonderful books. The first volume, " MARRIAGE OF HEAVEN AND HELL," 4to, is now being issued, price 303., half morocco. ' Blake Is a real name. I assure you, and a most extraordinary man be is. if he still be living. He is the Blake whose wild designs accompany a splendid edition of ' Blair's Grave.' He paintt in toater-totourt marreUout tlrange picture) titiont