M j THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BEGGAR BY I. K. FEIEDMAN THE LUCKY NUMBER POOR PEOPLE BY BREAD ALONE 1 2^r missin* de chanct ter make a dime quick, / says. THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BEGGAR Prefaced by Some of the Humorous Adventures & Incidents related in THE BEGGARS CLUB By I. K. FRIEDMAN With Eighteen Illustrations by W. GLACKENS Boston Small, Maynard & Company 1903 Copyright, IQOS-IQOS, by THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY Copyright, JTQOJ, by SMALL, MAYNARD &> COMPANY (Incorporated) Entered at Stationers Hall Published April, IQOJ The Mershon Company Press, Rahw ay, New Jersey, U.S.A. i MY DEAR SISTEK KITTIE : HA VE been begging so many favors from you all my life long that I hesitate to make another increase on the wrong side of the account ; but I promise you now to erase "the sign of the kind lady" from your door, and to wrong your generosity no more if you will grant me this one favor : May I not beg to dedicate THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BEGGAR to you? M126C38 The Beggars Club hereby resolves to thank Mr. George Horace Lorimer, the editor of " The Satur day Evening Post " of Philadelphia, for his signal kindness in opening the hospitable doors of his sanctum to its hungry and forlorn members ; and it furthermore resolves to thank the Curtis Publish ing Company for the privilege of including in this volume such of the minutes of The Club as were published serially in The Saturday Evening Post " of Philadelphia. The Club likewise spreads upon its records an acknowledgment of the debt of grati tude which it owes to Mr. W. Glackens for his sympathetic pencil portraits and illustrations, without which the touching appeal of its members to the public for charity and forbearance might have been made in vain. CONTENTS THE BEGGARS CLUB A WORD TO NON-MEMBERS 1 MEETING THE FIRST) Sam the Scribe, Man of Letters Hungry Henry s Touching Tale Five Fingers and Five Dollars 11 MEETING THE SECOND Letter the First Letter the Second The Post scriptThe Fate of Those Who Witt Not Hear 34 MEETING THE THIRD Two Beggars and a Bonnet A Beggar s Strategy . 59 MEETING THE FOURTH California Cox and the Beggars Union . . 85 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BEGGAR I. I COMES INTER DE WORLD Bein de account ef Tww meh reserches in Hebrew brunp me ter de study ef anterpolergy 131 II. MEH START IN LIFE Start right an you ll end wrong anyways . 154 III. GETTIN ALONG IN DE WORLD When yer in Rome do de Romans, which dey would do ef dey come here .... 167 ix Contents IV. GETTIN EVEN WID DE WORLD In which I tells de secret ef how I missed gettin rich, and don t charge nothin fer it 180 V. DE THEFT EF DE PERSEAN CAT Beiri de account ef why it ain t no more wrong ter steal animuls den ter steal anything else . 185 VI. IN WHICH LIFE is LIFE Tellin why de older we gits de more trouble we leaves behint us an de more worry we puts in front ef us 206 VII. DE WORLD TRIES TER GIT EVEN Provin dat every time de world turns round some must git on top an some must fall under 217 VIII. LIFE GITS LIVELY In which yer kin see fer yerself dat human natcher in de countree is de same ez human natcher in de city ; a hundred cents makin one dollar everywheres . . . 224 IX. A DARK LADY CROSSES MEH PATH Bein de story ef how I went inter de circus bizness an why I give it up ter try an earn a honest limn ...... 236 X. WIMENS PERSUE ME ONCET AGIN Tellin how a interruptin woman made meh ter believe dat all we knows bout wimens is dat dey is wimens 261 XI. A TALE EF A PIGTAIL Bein de account ef how I went ter Chinee in one night an how I come home de next mornin ; which is quick * . . 277 z Contents XII. DE CHINEE KID AN DE HAND-ORGAN Which proves dat ef yer gits yer pay ter-day yer won t have ter sue fer it ter-morrer . 294 XIII. LAW AN LIES Showin why a lie is a sin in court, ef de lawyer fer de other side knows his bizness . 314 XIV. I TAKES A TRY AT POLERTICS In which I says, " Now, dear reader, farewell; be good an live happy ever aterwards " . 327 The Beggars Club THE BEGGARS CLUB A WORD TO NON-MEMBERS THE Beggars Club, as the astute reader may have guessed without the reading of a line, does not lay any particular stress on wealth among its conditions for member ship ; but he may not have surmised that the club was founded for social purposes only by men of wit, or, to be more exact, by men who live by their wits; for while the two often go together they are more often found apart. The Beggars Club is just what the name signifies, a club for those who live to beg and who beg to live. To become a member of it a millionaire would have to give his fortune to charity and then appeal to charity to get a modicum of his millions back. In the rooms of the club money is an ob jection until it is spent, and he who has more than he can spend is an objectionable I The Beggars Club member by the nature of the case. Here a mean man and a man of means are one and the same thing. Here a penny has a use and a value of its own, besides that of serving as the part of a dollar and an abstract unit of the monetary table. The members agree with the rest of the world that poverty is no disgrace, and unlike the rest of the world they honestly mean it, The most worthless is welcomed here for his intrinsic worth and not for the extrinsic qualities of his pocket- book. If you ever have given the matter any thought you will have recognized the fact that the trade of a beggar is beset with more difficulties than that of any other on earth. The beggar must ply his craft in the most inclement weather ; in truth, if he is to meet with any degree of success he must toil in the extremes of heat and cold, and rest when the days are soft and balmy. He commands a smaller wage than any other artisan, but 2 A Word to Non-Members be he even on the verge of starvation, he can not strike for higher wages, since he is his own employer. It is almost impossible for him to form a trades union, for the very reason that it is so difficult to regulate either a beggar s wages or the number of hours that he shall work. He is not recognized by the law, or when the law does recognize him, it claps the poor wretch into jail. He must go meanly, generally insuffi ciently clad, and it is an advantage for mem bers of the guild to boast that they are underfed. The moment he dons good clothes and openly acknowledges that he does not suffer from hunger, that very sec ond he must cease to beg. A starving wife and children are articles that he cannot do without, and they assist him to a telling degree. He must be ever willing to work and yet never able to find work ; and if he drudge ever so hard, he must deny that he is working at all. The absence 3 The Beggars Club of one leg, even of two, is a decided aid to his calling; if he be blind, his chances for good pay are still better ; if he be deaf, dumb, and blind, crippled and maimed, his chances are of the best. The more crippled he is, the higher will he be paid. To be a successful beggar, then, one must be hungry, be ill-clad to the point of rags; one must have a starving wife and children ; one must be ever willing to work, yet never able to find work, and one must be a cripple. There is no royal road to beggary. Moreover, a beggar is loathed and shunn ed; he is hated and persecuted. He is an outcast. He is detested by honest people because he busies himself at his trade; he is scorned by thieves because he is humble enough to do honest work. Individually they gain the sympathy of the public, collectively they have no public sympathy whatsoever. He may not know it himself, but your true beggar is a paradox. 4 A Word to Non-Members It is scarcely to be wondered at if these unfortunate sons of toil seek for some amusement to forget, if for but a moment, the bitterness of their lot and to drown the woes and sorrows of their precarious exist ence. A beggar cannot afford expensive amusement, and if he find joy in beer it is not because beer is the joy he naturally prefers, but because it is the only one in which he can indulge. He goes to a " barrel-house " in quest of his recreation, because there no ad mission price is charged and there a larger quantity of his special delight is sold at a cheaper price than elsewhere. Besides, in more senses than one, misery loves company, and there misery finds the most miserable company in the world. Some twenty and five beggars were wont to meet by chance at irregular intervals in McQuinn s " barrel-house." McQuinn made a generous offer to these same select five and twenty to meet at regular intervals and by 5 The Beggars Club design at his hostelry ; and these special in ducements, which no beggar was too rich to disdain, were the origin of The Beggars Club and the corner-stoneof their clubhouse. It will take but a few words to describe McQuinn s, for the reason that there is noth ing to describe. The furniture consists of a bar, a few chairs, and a long table, ar ranged without any particular attention to artistic effect, and you may rest assured that a chair taken out of place would not mar the harmony of design. I might add that the bar and the tables are battered and old, that the walls are cracked and the ceiling crumbled but long descriptions tire, and I refrain. If the trite expression be allowed me, I will sum it up in a line and say that The Beggars Club beggars de scription. McQuinn himself is the sole striking fixture in the place that is in any way pic turesque. His name gives him a nationality ; a A Word to Non-Members but his face might as well belong to one nation as to another. No one people in par ticular could claim his countenance ; it was so covered with scars and bruises and bumps and cute that none of his face could be seen. He points to these scars with no little pride, and tells you that every one of them has a history ; here as elsewhere history repeats it self ; in that long gash across his right cheek history repeated itself several times in rapid succession. On club nights McQuinn is always behind the bar to keep the beggars drinking and to prevent them from fighting. He will have no penniless beggar in his place, but a beg gar with a penny how fine the distinction ! is ever welcome. To the stories they tell he heeds only the beginning and the end ; for they are all sure to begin with a drink and to end with the same conclusion. In fiction our host prefers the short story, and he would caution all 7 The Beggars Club authors against a long and a dry intro duction. He holds that the best conclusion is satisfying, sparkling, and full. I warn you not to dispute his literary theories, for he is strong and quick in argument and he will get the better of you in less than no time. A composite photograph of the club might be interesting, and would prove, no doubt, a valuable acquision for an orthope dist s collection. It would show a man with one leg and a quarter, one arm and three- quarters, one eye and a fraction; while his body would be as twisted as a contortion ist s, and his face would form a puzzle that could be solved only by taking it apart and putting the parts together in every possible combination. The clothes of this composite man would be simply a rag that had a trick of clinging together. The oddity of the names justifies another paragraph ; for while there may be nothing in a name, there is a heap in an alias; and 8 A Word to Non-Members their aliases will help me to make it clear that I am dealing with a peculiar people. The recording secretary, had they one, would have called a roll something like this : Cripple Tom, One-arnied Jake, Blind Bill, Crutch McAllister, Hungry Henry, Pete the Squealer, Foxy Basket, Charlie the Conner, Two Twins, Sam the Scribe, Harry the Skate. Loony Louis, Mollbuzzer, Shirtless Sam, Poor Peter, Deaf Dan, Squint Eye, Humble Hinky, Toothless Tom, Corner Hugger, Footless Frank, Lazy Mike. Perhaps you would like to attend one of their meetings and listen to a few of the stories by which they drive dull care to death and warm the cockles of chill pen ury? If you decide upon going I can assure 9 The Beggars Club you in advance of a hearty welcome to their humble board. There you may find the bread you have cast upon the waters, and there you may be paid back in your own coin. I can offer you no other inducements, but if these prove sufficiently enticing I stand ready to secure you an entree into THE BEGGARS CLUB. 10 MEETING THE FIRST SAM THE SCRIBE was the first to find his way into McQuinn ? s on Monday night, which, were he not usually last, would not be a fact worthy of chronicling. The Scribe is not a very good club member; he is usu ally surly, uncommunicative, and not over companionable, but, then, being the only literary member of the club the others, without exception, being engaged in com mercial pursuits he is allowed privileges. SAM THE SCRIBE, MAN OF LETTERS Sam is a man of letters, and if a beggar ever hands you a mendicant epistle one half sheet of note reeking with woe and thumb marks you may be sure that Sam is the author. Were he an ambitious man, with the itch for fame, he would long ago have composed " The Beggars Handy Let ter-Writer No Beggar Should be Without One." 11 The Beggars Club Nevertheless, Sam s letters are written in accordance with a set form rather than with a set price. For five cents he will write you a letter setting forth the discomfort of being lame; for ten cents he will expatiate upon the misfortune of blindness; for one which details both the misfortune of blindness and the discomfort of lameness he demands fif teen cents. You can see readily enough how the combination can be varied and how he avoids doing a strictly one-priced business. Blind Bill was the second to enter, and on seeing the man of letters a smile lit up his haggard face. " Y er jist de man I m ater," said he. " Why? " grumbled Sam. " I wants yer ter write meh a lame letter ; I m tired of bein ? blind. I wants a lame one dis time." " I don t want to be bothered with busi ness here. Can t a fellow find amusement in his club?" 12 Sam the Scribe, Man of Letters Bill insisted; he even offered an extra nickel as a compensation for dragging busi ness into the leisure hours of this brain- worker. Sam was holding out for the con sideration, and he borrowed a pen and ink from McQuinn and started to dash off an essay on the pangs and pains of being lame. He had barely finished his task when Lame Tom fairly ran into the room and shouted : " Glad y er here. Yer de very man I wants." Even The Beggars Club can afford a lion. " Well, and what do you want? " " I wants a blind letter. Fm tired ef bein lame/ 7 responded Tom. Blind Bill saw an opportunity to turn a dishonest penny. " See here ! " he exclaimed, " ef yer^d been here a minute ago we could have changed our letters. But I ll tell yer what I ll do ; I ll sell yer men blind letter fer half price." 13 The Beggars Club Sam protested. In his eyes this was equal to an infringement on copyright ; but the trade was made before the Scribe had found time to finish the wording of his pro test. He changed his tactics, being a wily man, and ceasing to appeal to Tom s sense of honor, appealed to his cupidity. " Tom," questioned he, " you can t read ; how do you know that the letter is genuine? He may be sticking you with a petition for work, for all you know about it." " I ll take Bill s word fer it," answered Tom ; "I was wid him yesterday when he sprung de letter on a cove an got a dime." Sam was about to resign himself to his loss and make the worst of it when his fertile mind hit upon still another scheme. " Bill," said he, turning to face the newly- made lame man, " I played a trick on you in the letter. I wrote that you are a fraud and a liar." 14 Sam the Scribe, Man of Letters " De truth never hurts no one," retorted the other philosophically. " Sides, I ll run meh chanctes fer a nickel." The Scribe became wroth. " I ll get even with you fellows," he shouted. And he did get even with them; those letters were ex changed by stealth that same evening, and I shall tell you later on what came out of Sam s maneuver. " Ef yer re going ter be lame," argued Tom with Bill, not heeding the Scribe s anger, " yer ll need a wooden leg, an I ll sell yer mine cheap." The cunning Bill, who even in his blind ness had conserved an eye for business, shook his head. " Yer don t need no peg ter be lame wid." " Yes, but it goes better dat way," cajoled Thomas ; " people kind er feel sorry fer de wooden leg." " Oh, I ll work it," yawned Bill. " Sides, de Scribe put in a line about meh gettin a 15 The Beggars Club collection fer ter buy a wooden peg. I heard him read it aloud when he was a-writin it." " All right," replied the erstwhile lame man, as if totally unconcerned, " I ll keep on bein lame an 7 I ll work yer beat," It was high time for the novice in "peg ging " to become fearful. " Come now," queried he, " what will yer take fer de peg? " " I ain t a-goin ter sell it." And Tom shook his head. " Goin ter give it ter a hospital, I s pose," observed Bill sarcastically. Tom did not see fit to heed his friend s taunt, asserting, " I wouldn t sell it, but I ll rent it; fer de blind game mightn t go, an ? den I wants de leg back ag in. I ll let yer have it fer free cents a week; free weeks an one-quarter payable in adwance." " Done ! " cried the other. Tom proceeded to unwrap a roll of dirty 16 Sain the Scribe, Man of Letters paper and linen, and to undo two straps that held the peg to the upper half of his leg. Bill put on his newly gained property, and began to hobble up and down the room with all the pride of a boy who mounts stilts for the first time. " Dere s some fun in dis," he shouted. " You ll see more fun yet before you get through with it," muttered the Scribe, who had been sitting moodily in his corner. By this time the other members had filed in and taken their seats around the table. Hungry Henry drew out a loaf of bread and a ham and started to make sandwiches for the crowd. This was an unusual and un expected proceeding, and the other members looked at him inquiringly. Henry saw that an explanation was re quired and he did not hesitate to give it. In deed, the only objection to Henry as a mem ber of the Club was his eagerness to talk and his unwillingness to keep still. 17 The Beggars Club HUNGRY HENRY S TOUCHING TALE " Gents," began Henry, " yer needn t be afeerd ter eat dis bread, cause I come by it honestly, an don t let yer appetites be spoiled fer fear dat yer robbin meh. I m proud ter say fer oncet in meh life, I had enuf ter eat. I meets a cove terday an I springs de old dodge on ter him. " < Mister, says I, does yer mind helpin a man what s starvin ter de price ef a meal? " De cove smiles an he says, like all de coves says, Why don t yer work? " Well, says I, I worked in a rollin mill, an de mill shut down last week, an I ain t been able fer ter find nothin ter do, an I ain t eat a bite since den. " * Yer must be hungry, says he wid a grin. " Hungry/ says I, f I m dyin ter eat. " Well, says he, we ll see what we kin 18 Hungry Henry s Touching Tale do ; an 7 he pulls out a handful of shiners dat would make yer eyes water. " He fishes out a quarter an I puts meh hand out. Den he puts de quarter back, an I swears ter myself. Den he fishes out a half, an T puts out both meh hands. Den he puts de half back, an I swears aloud, an he laffs. " If yer hungry, says he, < come wid meh an I ll get yer a meal ! " Gents, I was hungry in dead earnest ; but seein de cove had fun wid meh I fought I d have fun wid de cove, an I hangs back. " t Come on, says he ; * I fought yer was hungry? " I am, says I, but I don t like ter eat in de places where yer goes. Give meh de dime an let meh go where I wants ! " < Not much, says he ; I knowed yer was a-playin orff ! " Well, de cove takes meh ter a saloon, an he says ter de barkeep, " Dis boy is hun- 19 The Beggars Club gry; he s a-starvin an he wants a big san wich ! " He grins, an de guy behin de bar grins. I was a-grinnin too, fer I didn t want de guy ter think dat I wasn t on ter him. But in meh stomick I feels queer an meh mouth waters ; fer I was hungry enuf ter cry an no joke, an youse fellers knows dat when I m hungry, I m hungry. " Den, says I ter de cove, unhitchin two buttons, I gets all I wants er I don t eat, eh? " Sure thing, says de cove. " De guy cuts two bricks ef bread, an he puts a trowelful ef ham atween. It being double size, de cove puts down two dimes, an de guy grins an de cove laffs. " De san wich goes down quicker en de two dimes. An I says ter de guy, I wants a san wich next time; yer ain t a-feedin a mouse er a canary bird ! " An fer half a hour I keeps de guy a-cut- 20 Hungry Henry s Touching Tale tin an de cove a-payin , an meh jus begin- nin ter feel dat food had crossed meh hun gry lips ! " Yer cost meh fifty cents already, says de cove; ain t yer ever goin ter quit? " Don t talk quit/ says I ; I ain t begun ; I m just workin up a appertite. When a man ain t eat nothin fer a week a man s hungry ! " It looks as ef yer ain t eat nothin fer a year, says de guy, his mouth open an his eyes out, ez ef I was a freak, which I ain t. " It may be a year, puts in I, fore I strikes dis snap ag in ! I m layin in a ser- ply. Now, please don t bother meh, an leave meh give meh attention ter eatin . " It s one dollar, pipes de cove when de guy was a-layin de foundation fer de sixth ; * ain t yer afeard ef indigestion? " No, I says, * I ain t had dat complaint since de time when I eat fer tw r o weeks wid- out takin time fer sleep ! 21 The Beggars Club " Say, says de guy, layin down his knife an rubbin his arm, yer ought ter git some one ter feed yer by de hour ! " I gives him one look, an 7 I says, Ef I did, I d git some one ter do de feedin ez knows how ter make a san wich; yer ain t a-cuttin fer a inwalid." "Den I takes de knife from de guy an I makes a san wich ez was a san wich. " Dat 11 cost yer thirty cents, says de guy to de cove, " De cove turns pale. How much ill yer take ter quit? axes he. " < I ll calkerlate, says I, < an I ll let yer know in half a hour. " Yer no lightnin calkerlator, says he. " No, not when I m eatin , answers I. " I can t stay here all de night, says de cove; < I must catch a train. " All right, says I, < I ll eat a bit quicker. " Yes, we close at twelve sharp, says de Hungry Henry s Touching Tale " * It s only nine now/ smiles I ; < Fll be thru by dat time. " I m glad ter hear dat/ says de cove, Den he says ter de guy : Yer gives dis feller two loaves ef bread an 7 a ham, an let him take it home. An de next time I meets yer/ says he ter meh, I ll give yer a dime widout axin ef yer hungry. " < An de next time a gentleman axes yer fer de price ef a meal, says I, yer wants ter take his word fer it, an not believe dat he s a liar cause he s poor ! " I takes meh ham an bread an I walks away, an de cove calls out an he says: " I wants yer name ; I wants ter know yer when we meets ag in. " Hungry Henry, answers I. " Yer name must have been born wid yer, says he." Before the laughter aroused by Hungry Henry s story had died away, Blind Bill arose to his feet and, as if moved by an over- 23 The Beggars Club whelming impulse of generosity, shouted, "Gents, I ll treat!" Bill s liberality was greeted with a wide spread look of disappointment, for the re stricting clause, " That is, if McQuinn will trust me/ 7 usually followed his unselfish offer. Now McQuinn never trusted any body, and Bill s munificence passed current for the homage which stinginess pays to generosity. This time, however, the unex pected happened. Bill held a yellow coin to the light. " Dis is de real article," began he, " an it breaks meh heart ter break it. It s de first dat I ever had in meh life. I would like ter keep it fer a pocket piece. Gents," spoke he solemnly as a campaign orator, " dere is ez much here ez in five silver dollars er in five hundred cents." " My," whispered Charlie the Conner, " he s eddicated." Blind Bill continued : " It takes de Gov- 24 Hungry Henry s Touching Tale ermint ter squeeze five hundred cents in dis small coin, an der ain t no one else dat kin do de trick." " Dat s right/ shouted Pete the Squealer. " I got pinched fer tryin it" Heedless of the laughter which followed Pete s observation, Bill went on: " But dat ain t here, an it ain t dere ; de Govermint had nothin ter say ; I earned it. I ll tell yer how it was guv ter meh, an den I ll let yer judge fer yerselves whether I earned it er not." " Yer earned it ! Yer earned it ! " ex claimed Humble Hinky jeeringly, desirous of cutting a long story short and getting at the gist of the matter, which was the treat. Bill looked at his interrupter scornfully. " I didn t earn it dat quick," retorted he ; " I had ter work fer it," And he was about to give an account of his adventure when Humble Hinky interrupted with, " An now yer wants ter make us work fer it." 25 The Beggars Club " It 11 give yer a thirst, fer de story Is dry," and straightway Bill began the tale of FIVE FINGERS AND FIVE DOLLARS " I goes inter a man s store ter day, an I tells him how I lost meh eyesight from sick ness. " Den yer can t see? axes de man. " I wouldn t be blind ef I could see, answers I. " Can t yer see at all? he axes, lookin at meh right sharp. " Excuse meh, answers I, but yer pin ion ef blindness is peculiar. " It is sometimes, he grins, an de clerks stop workin an grins, too. I don t believe yer blind, he goes on, an I m goin ter put yer to de test! " I m perfectly willin , replies I. But I feels skeered, fer he was a smart-lookin feller, an dis test business is ticklish some times. 26 Five Fingers and Five Dollars " De first thing he done was ter throw a quarter on his desk. Guess what dat is, snaps he, an yer kin have it. " It s a quarter, 7 snaps I, an I puts out meh hand ter grab it. " i Don t be too quick, meh blind friend/ says he, puttin his hand over de coin ; ef yer was blind, how could yer tell dat de piece ef money was a quarter? " I was almost caught dat time. I had no bizness ter call de turn, but de sight ef de quarter made meh greedy; but I t inks quick an I answers, " De hearin ef de blind is cute; I kin tell any coin by de ring. " * Yer must have been a payin -teller in a bank ter know money so well, says he. But he gives meh de quarter. " I starts ter go out in a hurry wid meh quarter, de clerks all laffin , when he calls meh back. " I ll give yer de chance ter earn anuder quarter, says he. 27 The Beggars Club " I m willin , says I. " t Ef yer guesses how many fingers I holds up, I ll give yer a quarter/ says he. " Ef I guesses it, pipes I, yer ll tell meh I ain t blind, an den yer won t give it ter meh. Ef I don t guess what it is, den yer surely won t give it ter meh. Dat bet ain t fair! " Ef I ever kin use a blind clerk, says he, * I ll give yer de job. But I ll tell yer what I ll do : ef yer guesses right, I ll give yer de quarter; ef yer guesses wrong, I ll give yer a dime. Is dat fair? " No, replies I. I m blind an yer might cheat meh, an how would I know? " < I ll be de judge, says one ef de clerks, an I could see from de look on his face dat he wanted de boss beat, so I says, I m will- in . " < Come, how many fingers is it? axes he, holdin up four. " Tree, says I. 28 Five Fingers and Five Dollars " Yer wrong/ says he an de clerk. " But I gets meh dime/ shouts I. " Dat game ain t fair/ says de man ; I loses either way. I ll tell yer what I ll do : I ll bet yer seventy cents ag in yer t irty- five cents dat yer can t call de turn next time ! " < Give yer coin to de clerk first/ says I, givin him mine. " He holds up four fingers an I bawls out i Four ! an de clerk give meh de coin in a hurry. " Hold on/ cries de man ter de clerk ; dat feller is a-cheatin meh ! " A blind man might guess right/ says I, a-goin out. " He pulls meh back by de coat an shouts, We ll have one more bet, anyw r ays ! " I agrees ter dat cause I couldn t help mehself. " Now/ says he, i I ll bet yer two dol lars ag in yer one dollar an five cents dat 29 The Beggars Club yer don t guess right dis time/ An he puts de two dollars in de clerk s hand, an I puts in meh one dollar an five cents, feelin sorry dat I didn t have sense enuf ter quit. " Now/ axes he, holdin up his five fin gers, how many? " Five/ shouts I, bein willin ter lose meh reputation fer honesty rather den meh dollar an five. De clerk was a-goin ter drop de free dollars in meh hand when de boss snaps his fingers an bawls out: " l Hold on ; don t be so quick. An he says ter meh: " How could I hold up five fingers when I ve only got four, meh thumb bein gone? " No, sir/ says I ; < a man what had his thumb cut orff can t snap his fingers ! " An de clerk drops his money in meh hand an de man says: " Yer hearin is very cute. Den he t inks a minute an says: " I ll bet two dollars ag in yer free dat Five Fingers and Five Dollars yer don t guess it dis time ! An , Mr. Clerk, yer needn t be in sick a hurry ter get rid ef meh money ! " Den he holds up one finger. One, hol lers I afore he has de chanct ter haul it down an hold up two. An de clerk hands meh de coin. " Yer seen it, says ha " I didn t, says I. " Den how did yer guess it? axes he. " It s de most natcheral thing in de world, says I, * fer a man ter go back ter one finger after him bavin up five. " Well, says he, < I ll give ye de five dol lars an let yer go ! An some dark night I m comin around ter borrow dose blind eyes ef yourn ! " And Bill drew his story to a close, tossing the five-dollar gold piece to McQuinn with the carelessness of a man who is used to handling gold as if it were so much dross. McQuinn examined it with the care of a man 31 The Beggars Club who is used to having dross foisted on him for so much gold. " Look-a-here," he roared, marching up to Bill, " dat ain t nothin but a gilded quarter. What does yer mean by tryin ter shove queer? " And without delay he threw Bill from the clubroom into the street. Throughout the evening one member, evi dently a stranger, for none of the members could claim his acquaintance, sat stupidly in a corner, never smiling, never changing the expression on his face. Crutch McAllister, who had been eying him closely all evening, was irritated be yond endurance by the stranger s stolid in difference. When Blind Bill s gold proved spurious and the stranger in the gates failed to see the humor of the situation, Crutch McAllis ter could control himself no longer and he turned and smote the melancholy guest with all his might and main. 32 Five Fingers and Five Dollars " Yer can t palm dat deaf an dumb racket orff on ter us. It don t go here/ he jelled. " Dat s right, Crutch, make him speak. Make him ! " and they all pounced on the silent guest. " Let him alone," yelled McQuinn, pull ing the others off, " let him alone. Dat fel ler is all right; I knows him. He can t speak an he can t hear. " I m sorry dat I hit him, den," apologized Crutch, " but de guy had de right ter hol ler an tell meh dat he was deaf an dumb in de first place ! " MEETING THE SECOND AT the first meeting we attended, Sam the Scribe, if you remember, exchanged the men dicant letters of Blind Bill and Lame Tom. I promised to tell you the result of that ma neuver, and here it is. LETTER THE FIRST Bill had practiced " pegging " until he deemed himself master of the theory of the art and able to put his theory into practice. You may think that it is the easiest thing in the world to play lame, and so it is if you have not been unfitted for it by playing blind too long. Bill found himself on the point of saying constantly, " Mister, can t yer help a man dat had his eye blinded by sickness ter buyin a lame leg? " or, " Mister, can t yer help a blind man dat had his leg blowed orff by sickness ter buyin a wooden eye? " This sudden change of occupation con fused his mind and totally unfitted him for 34 Letter the First active business. He became fearful, since he was no longer able to support himself, lest he become an article of common charity. To a man who has earned a livelihood for so long a time this is humiliating in the extreme, and poor Bill was about to give way to de spair when it suddenly dawned upon his in tellect that the best thing to say was nothing at all. The letter he had purchased from Lame Tom told the whole story ; what need was there for comment or footnotes on his part? He resolved to be timid no longer, but to rely on the letter and to have faith in the spirit. He remembered that One-armed Jake had told him that a certain " gent " who kept a grocery store never refused assistance to the needy. In the words of Jake, " De gent is a soft mark; yer tells yer story an yer gits yer coin. He ain t de kind what gives yer words ef comfort an den tells yer he ll give 35 The Beggars Club yer case to de Aid Sassiety ter inwestigate ; er tells yer yer a fraud, er axes yer ef yer can t git work wid yer feet. Nop, yer tells yer story an yer gits yer coin." So Blind Bill betook him to the grocer with the soft heart; if successful there, he would venture into unknown fields anon. " Seem es yer is sich a kind-lookin gent," said Bill, as he hobbled up to the dealer in provisions, " I takes de liberty ef showin yer dis, knowin it would touch yer heart." The " kind-looking gent " put on his glasses and read the letter. Here is what he read: " To whom it May Concern : The bearer of this note is blind. He had his eyes blown out in a boiler explosion. Before that he was a machinist and earning the comfort able sufficiency of twelve dollars a week, on which he kept his wife and family respect able. Noiv he can find nothing to do and 36 Letter the First starvation stares him in the face. Can you help him? He will bless you, so will his wife and his family" There was a twinkle in the reader s eye and a smile lurked about the corners of his mouth. Bill was not slow to see the smile ami the twinkle, and fearing something was wrong he lost his presence of mind, and felt with horror that his thoughts were rushing into a jumble. " How long have you been this way? " queried the shopkeeper, feigning pity. " Since last Monday," replied the beggar. When the words slipped out of his mouth he felt his heart jump into it. He knew that he had answered incorrectly. " Came on you rather sudden, didn t it? " " No ; I was born dat way." From mere force of habit Bill referred to his blindness. " Born what way? " questioned the other sharply. 37 The Beggars Club " Born lame ! " shouted Bill, rejoicing that the right answer had come at last. " That s too bad/ 7 said the grocer, assum ing sorrow. " It s awful," whined Bill. " Can t you do anything for it? " " Do anything f er it ! I tried everything, but when de eye is gone," answered Bill, re assured by the other s consoling tone, " dere ain t no good in medicine, an glasses don t help none." " Did you apply the glasses to your leg? " " Eh? " grunted Bill, surmising that some thing was amiss, and not knowing just what. " What I want to know is, are you lame or are you blind? " For the moment the unfortunate beggar knew not himself whether he was crippled or sightless, and not daring to answer any thing,, he asked : "Don t de letter say?" 38 Letter the First " Don t you know yourself, without the letter? " thundered the grocer. " Yes, I knows, but yer sees de letter tells jist how de trouble wid wid niehself well, it tells de date an all." It flashed over the mendicant s mind that someone had played treacherous tricks with the letter; his mind became more confused than ever. " Never mind the date ; I want to know what the trouble is before I assist you. Are you lame or are you blind? " Bill looked at the crutch, and he looked at the letter, and he looked at the grocer s face ; but neither crutch nor letter nor face helped him out of his quandary. He fell back upon the truth as the last resource. " I used ter be blind," said he, all simply. " Oh, you used to be blind, but you ain t any more? " " Yes, dat s it," cried Bill, rejoiced to find his difficulty solved. 39 The Beggars Club " Well, if you were blind and you re not blind any more, why do you come to me for assistance? " " Cause I m lame," ventured Bill. " Why are you lame? " roared the man of sugar and spices, trying his browbeating tactics again. " Cause de letter says so/ pleaded Bill, nonplused beyond the hope of redemption. " But the letter don t say so ! " " Be yer sure? " " Certainly Fm sure," " Would yer mind readin meh de letter? " he blubbered, his faint heart sinking to the bottom of his wooden peg. " Why, can t you read it yourself? " The voice of the inquisitor became cajoling again. " Sure, sure," replied Bill boldly ; " sure I kin read it." " But how can you read it if you are blind?" 40 " But bow kin I read de letter ef Pm blind?" Letter the First "Dat sso;howkinl?" " That s what I want to know, how can you?" " Well," put in Bill, as if anxious to help the grocer out of his dilemma, " be yer sure dat de letter says dat? " "Says what?" " Say s dat I can t read cause I m lame," ventured Bill. " No, no ; it don t say that." " Don t it? Well, I knowed it didn t," " Now, said the grocer, veering his tac tics, " I ll give you a dime if you read the letter." So he was to be remunerated! Well, he hadn t played his part so badly, after all! Bill s heart grew big with hope. " But how kin I read de letter ef I m blind?" queried he with erstwhile slyness. " But you re not blind ; you re lame ! " bel lowed the grocer. " I ain t lame; I m blind," insisted Bill. 41 The Beggars Club " Then why do you go about on a wooden leg? " " Cause I m blind," whimpered Bill, his thoughts turned topsy-turvy by the cross- questioning. He hobbled toward the door as fast as one wooden leg and one flesh-and- blood leg would carry him. The grocer stopped the beggar, handing him a coin. Bill slipped the money into his pocket, wondering if it were a reward for his lame ness or his blindness ; but so long as he had been successful at one of them it mattered not which. He had his hand on the door when the grocer said : " What I want to know is " "Ain t yer got yer money s worth?" in terrupted Bill. He took the hint, and with the extra ques tion slipped in an extra coin. " I want to know who wrote that let ter? 42 Letter the First Fearing another trap, Bill tried to dodge with, " What does yer want to know fer? " " Because I don t believe you have any knowledge of its contents." " Yes, I has " Here Bill stopped, not wishing to step into the winding labyrinth from which he had just extricated himself with such great difficulty. " I wish yer d be dat kind." The beggar was solicitous about the wording of the brief. The grocer, as if reading the letter, re peated : " To Whom it May Concern : The bearer of this letter pretends to be blind, but he can see as well as you. He pretends to be lame, but he can walk perfectly when he unhitches the peg which encumbers his good leg. He is known as the greatest liar and fraud in the State. Don t give him anything." When the last word was out Bill burst forth into a volley of oaths, and he stamped on the ground with his wooden leg in wrath. 43 The Beggars Club " Sam de Scribe done dat. Oh ! oh ! I ll get even wid him. A nice trick ter play on his best customer ! " The lame man left the shop in a blind rage. LETTER THE SECOND It was Bill s intention to make directly for McQuinn s and read the law to Sam ; but the worst intentions are sometimes thwarted as well as the best. He had barely turned the corner when he met Lame Tom ; and then for the first time it dawned upon him that Tom might have had a finger in this pie. The more he considered it the more plausible did it seem. He would punish his enemies one by one. The grocer was just in the humor for receiving other applicants for charity. He would send Tom, the unsuspecting, to him. "An how goes de blind game?" asked Tom. " Don t go." Bill shook his head. " Why? " 44 Letter the Second " I only makes a half ter-day ! " " A half de first day an yer ain t satisfied. What does yer want ? Maybe yer d like ter run de mint? " " Well, de first guy gives meh a half, but de others turns meh down." Tom became excited. " Where did yer find dat mark?" " I d tell yer, but yer d go an spoil it fer meh." " Yer knows meh better an dat ; why would I spoil it? " Bill refused to divulge his golden goose, and Tom grew wroth. " All right ! " exclaimed he ; " I ll get even ; yer wait. Who told yer, anyways, bout half de marks yer knows? " " Well," spake Bill, as if reluctantly, " it was dat grocer aroun de corner." Tom started to go, but Bill detained him. " Yer ain t a-goin dere right now an spoil it all fer me, be yer? " 45 The Beggars Club " Sure ; I berlieves in catchin a man when he s in de givin humor. Dat never lasts long." Tom entered the shop just as the grocer had finished relating to a friend the humor ous incident of the lame beggar with the blind letter. " They must have marked my door with blue chalk," he whispered to his friend on Tom s advent. Tom had none of Bill s qualms or misgivings or timidness, and he approached his subject boldly, but po litely. " I begs pardon f er disturbin yer ; but I m blind an I ain t got no place ter sleep, an I fought as maybe yer d help a feller out." The grocer, winking to his friend, said sharply, " I don t believe you re blind." This was a setback to Tom, who had ex pected that " the mark " would give without the asking of annoying questions. " I wish dat yer believin would make it 46 Letter the Second so," he retorted, " but I kin prove it dat I m blind," and he handed him the testimonial, which read : " A year ago the bearer of this testimonial was unfortunate enough to have both of his legs cut off by the cars. Since then he has been obliged to beg for a living. Before he had his legs cut off he teas a cabinet-maker earning a profuse living. Now his family is reduced to starvation. Please help him." The grocer handed the communication to his friend, saying, " Read that aloud." His instructions were obeyed to the letter. Tom s hopes for receiving a half-dollar fell quicker than the man read.- No one, however, could have told it from the expres sion on his face, nor, unlike Bill, did he lose his presence of mind. " That proves that you re a fraud and a cheat, and I m going to have you arrested, shouted the man of sugar and spices, 47 The Beggars Club " That s right," echoed his friend warmly. " It don t prove no sich thing," disputed Tom hotly. "It proves dat I m blind, an dat letter was changed on meh ; ef I wasn t blind, would I be goin round wid a fool let ter like dat? " " Your argument merely proves that you can t read," thundered the grocer. " But I kin read." " Then you re not blind," flashed his ad versary. Tom cursed himself inwardly for walking into a trap with both eyes open. He made one supreme effort to extricate himself. " I mean," he subjoined quietly, " as I could read afore I was taken blind, an it s de most natcheral thing in de world fer a man ter say dat he kin allus read ef he could read oncet." " That s true enough, but Sam the Scribe was in here a moment or two ago, and he told me that he wrote the letter for you and 48 Letter the Second that you re no more blind than a cat at night" Figuratively speaking, Tom scratched his head. He remembered that Sam had threat ened vengeance, and when the Scribe thirsted for vengeance it was hard to find whisky sufficient to quench his thirst. The grocer was not slow to see his advan tage, and he cried exultingly, " Besides that, you said that you were born blind." " So you did," came from the mendacious echo. " So I did," re-echoed Tom, fearful of los ing anything, and hoping that one word might do quite as well as another. " Well, if you were born blind, how in the world could you have ever read?" It is a poor beggar who cannot have an in spiration. " If youse fellers gives meh half a dollar I ll explain de whole thing ter yer; but I ain t a-goin on a-talkin fer nothinV The grocer and his friend assented to the 49 The Beggars Club proposition. " But remember," said they, " if you don t explain it to our satisfaction we get our money back." " Sure," agreed Tom. " But I kin explain anything. First, I said I was blind dat s right, ain t it?" " Correct," came from the two in a chorus. " Den I said ez I could read, an yer axed men how, bein blind, I could read? " His opponents raised no objection. " Den I said ez I could read afore I was blind, an ez it was natcheral fer meh ter say ez I could read allus, seein ez I could read oncet," The summing-up of his argument met with no rebuff. " Den I says I was born blind, an yer axed meh how bein born blind I could ever read at all. Eh?" " That s correct," assented the other side, wondering if there was any escape between the two horns of the dilemma. 50 The Postscript " Well, I was born blind. Den I got ineh sight agin. Den I learned ter read. Den I lost ineh sight by readin too much by nights an I been blind ever since. Dat covers all de points, eh? " " You ve earned your money," laughed the grocer; " take it and go." " Some people ain t so smart as dey tinks, an youse fellers don t want ter judge a man by de clothes he wears," shouted Tom. THE POSTSCRIPT Tom left the shop with a feeling mingled of joy at his victory and anger against Bill for having placed his life and reputation in jeopardy ; but his anger against Bill was as nothing when weighed in the balance with his hatred for the Scribe. He would wither the one with his scorn; he would smite the other with his fist. Lame Tom met Blind Bill before either 51 The Beggars 7 Club his wrath or his scorn had had time to lose a degree of heat by cooling. " How was de mark? " asked Bill with an insinuating grin. " Dead easy," came the answer ; " yer might as well a told meh ter ask fer a dol lar an I d a had it." He displayed his half-dollar proudly. Bill lost his breath. " Yer got dat wid dat letter? " " Wid what letter? " " Wid de wrong letter." " How did yer know dat I had de wrong letter? " " Cause I had yourn an I knowed dat yer must a had mine." " Den why didn t yer tell me dat I had de wrong letter? " " Well, I caught a half wid de wrong let ter, an dat s more n I ever caught wid de right one, an I fought ez yer might do de same." 52 The Postscript " So I did. What more does yer want ter know?" " I steered yer agin de mark. Yer might give meh half." Tom was astonished at his brother s bold ness. It actually dulled the edge of his scorn. " But yer got a half, didn t yer? " " No, I didn t git nothin . He cussed meh an mixed meh up so dat I didn t know where I was standin . An dat s all I got fer meh trouble." " But yer jist said yer got a half." " But I lied," confessed Bill, thinking an open confession might be good for his purse. "How I hates a liar!" ejaculated Tom, throwing up his hands with infinite disgust. And the lame man hastened away, refus ing to be led by the blind one. Sam the Scribe expected a warm reception at the second meeting and that is the reason why he stayed away. Effusiveness always 53 The Beggars Club bored him ; he had long ago grown tired of having his literary efforts criticised, even though the comments were favorable. When the club had assembled, Deaf Dan began : THE FATE OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT HEAR " Gentlemen, a peculiar thing happened to me to-day; so peculiar that I was almost struck speechless in all truth. I went into a store to-day, walked up to the proprietor and began to speak with my fingers. The man looked at me, and, without changing the expression on his face, answered me in the deaf and dumb alphabet. Now it has al ways been my boast that I am a man of some education ; but the deaf and dumb alphabet is, unfortunately, one of the things that I never learned at school. My finger alpha bet is one of my own invention and differs from that in general use. When the man be gan to speak with his fingers I was fright- 54 Those Who Will Not Hear ened at first and I wanted to turn and ran. Then it struck me that he was only bluffing, and the faster he used his fingers the faster I used mine. When he tired of the exercise he took a piece of paper and wrote : " I don t understand YOU ; did you learn the mute alphabet in China? 7 " Now, I thought to myself, he may be in dead earnest ; the trick is to catch him either way ; so I put down one of the only two Ger man sentences I know : " Ich bin tin Deutscher I am a Ger man. 7 " And he looks at me and smiles and scratches down, So bin Ich So am I. " Luckily that was the other sentence I knew and I could make it out ; but this was as far as I could go in German, and I was about to paste him one on the head and run away when an idea struck me in the nick of time. I dropped the pencil and smiled and scraped my foot, as if I was overjoyed to 55 The Beggars Club meet a countryman ; and all the time I was working my fingers in every direction. He looked at me and shook his head ; but I went on with my fingers as if to say : Yes, you are a German. You can t fool me. I know one when I see him. 7 " He wrote something in German and handed it to me. I couldn t read what he had written, but I shook my head as if I did, and I went on with my fingers. " He grabbed the pencil and chalked down in English : Will a dollar do you? " I was on the point of nodding Yes, but I thought to myself, Here is the trap ; don t you do it. He ll say, " So you do read Eng lish, you fraud ; get out of here ! " " I looked at him hard, put a puzzled ex pression on my face and went on with my fingers. " Then he put something down in German. 1 Good, thinks I to myself ; he s translated the last sentence from English into German. 56 Those Who Will Not Hear And I let my head wag up and down until my neck ached. " And what do you think that rascal does? He hands me a cent and chuckles. " Gentlemen " and Dan ceased spinning his yarn long enough to reflect " how I wish I had followed the advice of my father and learned German! " Well, when the man handed me the cent I was mad ; but I never let on. I ll fool you yet/ said I to myself, and I put the penny into my pocket as if it was just what I ex pected. Then I had him puzzled. He couldn t make out whether I was disap pointed or not. " Say, but you re a sharper! he bawled out, " It was my turn to say something, but I kept quiet. I looked at him as if I was sur prised that he could speak. Then I took on a disappointed air ; I changed that in a sec ond for the injured air. I looked as if I had 57 The Beggars Club lost all faith in humanity. I put my hand into my pocket and slunk away as if my heart was broke. An actor couldn t have done it any better. " He called me back and tried to tell me how sorry he was and how he didn t mean to hurt my feelings. I looked at him with a vacant stare. Then he gave me a dollar. " I slipped the dollar into the depths of my pocket; then I turned and touched him on the shoulder. " My friend/ said I, never try to beat a man at his own game, and being deaf and dumb is my business. " It was his turn for playing hurt. i Get out of here, you confounded rogue, he yelled. " And I did get out, but the dollar went with me." 58 MEETING THE THIRD THE Two Twins were indeed a silent and a stingy pair, and they opened their lips as rarely as their purses. The twins were tol erated in the Beggars Club merely because they were unique and because their family connections were eminently respectable. They were as like in dress, speech, and looks as the two Dromios. Morally consid ered, they were alike neither of them had any morals. They were commonly supposed to be sixty years of age, and their looks did not belie the common supposition. They were dried, weazened, and wrinkled, and but two teeth apiece from being toothless. The only effect that age had had upon their char acters was to make them worse. Between them they had one virtue; they loved each other. One was indispensable to the other. Jerry was a kind of right leg to Tom, and Tom was a kind of right leg to Jerry. The way of the transgressor is al- 59 The Beggars Club ways hard, but it becomes doubly hard with the right leg gone, and this may be the reason why Tom clung to Jerry and Jerry clung to Tom. For years the twins had stood on the same corner, on the lookout for odd jobs and chores ; indeed, they have stood there so long that they have given the corner a certain air of distinction. I should not be sur prised if the street were to be named after them when they die. The truly great are only appreciated after their death. But all this is a mere pointing of morals and does not adorn the tale of TWO BEGGARS AND A BONNET " Meh an Jerry," started Tom, " has a story that is surprisin . You tell it, Jerry," and Tom, surprised at his eloquence, turned to Jerry. " Naw," hawed Jerry, " do you tell yer part an I ll tell mine." 60 . - ... " Never try ter beat a man ut bis own game." Two Beggars and a Bonnet Tom, seeing that assistance was out of the question, went on : " Where meh an Jerry stands is a millinur lady a lady what makes head-pieces for other ladies what now an then gives meh an Jerry a job fer to carry out her hats to de fool people what buys em. " To-day she calls meh in an she says, Now, this bonnut is in a hurry, an ef yer carries it nice an quick I ll give yer a quar ter ! An she gives meh de number an de street. An she axes me does I know de street. " < Sure, says I, meh sister Mary lives on that street. Yer knows, ma am, meh sister Mary what married de saloon-keeper, him that is wuth a million, keeps two servants an a porter. " An she cuts me short an says, < Never mind yer relatives; this is in a hurry. Which was aggravating seein as a poor man is allus proud ef a rich sister. But I takes 61 The Beggars Club de box an de book ter sign an I goes out es ef I was in a hurry which I wasn t. " On the corner I meets Jerry. < What has yer got in de box? axes Jerry." " An I axes yer what yer was a-gettin ," put in Jerry, as if trying to remind Tom of something forgotten. " An I told yer a quarter," answered Tom proudly. " Yer old fool, says you, < yer kin leave de bonnut at sister Mary s, an get a bite ter eat, an a tin full of tea, an a quarter asides. An sister Mary lives five numbers lower on de street, which is wuth consid- erin. " Here Jerry relieved Tom. " An a heap of arguin I had ter do ter make this old fool see how it was better an easier ter leave de bonnut at Mary s. He was afreerd that de millinur lady would have us ar rested. < Can t a man make a mistake in deliverin ? axes I wid a wink. 62 Two Beggars and a Bonnet " Knowin how close sister is an how she hates ter give us anything cause us is beg gars an her allus afeerd an ashamed that de neighbors might diskiver it w r e fixed it atween us ter say that we was lately become rich an we brung her de bonnut fer a gift, an how dresses an sich truck was ter fol low. " Mary was in an she answers our ring. Well, says she, youse beggars here ag in ater victuals? Youse is a disgrace an a shame. " No, we ain t a disgrace an a shame any more, Mary, puts in Tom an meh ; we is rich now an we brung yer a gift a bon nut what cost a f ortin ! " * Come right in, says Mary ; an she opens de door wide, an Tom an meh steps in, Tom grinnin so I had ter kick him ter be still. " An Mary tries ter explain how havin a headache she was cross all morning, an de 63 The Beggars Club baby was sick an a lot of wimmen lies. P r aps, says she, you an Tom would like a cup of tea an a bite ter eat? " Well, says Tom, < we just eat dinner at a fashunable hotel, but we don t mind a cup ef tea. An all de time Mary was a-dyin ter ask how we come by de fortin, an we a-thinkin how we could answer what she axed." Jerry paused for breath and Tom went on: " So I takes de bonnut out of de box an I shows it ter her, an Mary clasps her hands an she screams, It s a dream. It had two high peacock feathers what was black an white, an it looked as good as a circus tent with red an white flags on top. An she looks in de glass an de bonnut fits her like de peach does de stone. Then she kisses meh, which was suddin an not accordin ter habit, it bein all on account of de bon nut 64 Two Beggars and a Bonnet " * Now, says she, I ll go an make youse a cup of tea an cook somethin hot. An she puts de bonnut back in de box an leaves meh an Jerry in de parlor, which is better en standin outside an drinkin cold tea out ef a rusty pan. " An Jerry he says ter meh when he was alone, Tom, when yer goes, take de bonnut wid yer ! " What fer? axes I. " Never mind, says Jerry ; I sees a dol lar in sight an no work. " So I says no more, knowin as Jerry was a-thinkin hard an meh not wantin ter puzzle him an ter lose half ef de dollar. When Mary comes back with de tea an de lunch like we never see afore, an two ef her husband s cigars which was on account ef de bonnut she says : Now, I wants youse ter come often an be ter home here, an ? I expects yer on Sunday fer dinner. An Jerry he laughs an I steps on his toes. 65 The Beggars Club " Then Mary axes how we come by de fortin , an I looks at Jerry, not knowin what ter say. An Jerry says quick an solemn-like, It was mines ! " An Mary axes, How did that happen? " An I answers fer Jerry, seein as Jerry was in a trap, It s a long story an hard ter explain, but ter make it easy fer a woman ter understand, meh an Jerry bought stocks an shares an de whole blame thing goes down, only our stocks an shares goes up, an de other fellers loses their money an we makes ourn. < Oh, I see, says Mary. An I was glad that she seen, cause ef she didn t we had been in a trap. " A neighbor comes in afore Mary has de chance ter ax any more questions, an when Mary s back was turned I grabs de bonnut," It was now Jerry s turn for his part of the duologue. " When we reaches de street, Tom axes, * What now? 66 Two Beggars and a Bonnet " Give rneh de bonnut, says I. " An Tom says : You ll sell de bonnut ter Mary er else pawn it, an then where ll I be? " That ain t de game at all, Tom, says I. 4 1 takes de bonnut back ter de millinur lady an tells her you was kilt by de cars, an I brung it back. An she ll give meh half a dollar fer takin it out ag in, an you en meh 11 both have thirty-seven cents. But Tom hangs on to de bonnut, not seein where he was a-comin in. " Why not take it right to de name what s on de tag an ax fer fifty cents charges fer deliverin ? says he. " Tom, says I, yer a blamed old fool ; we kin get a half dollar at both ends as well as one. So Tom lowed he was wrong an I was right, an he gives me de box. " When I goes into de millinur lady s place with de bonnut she almost faints. 4 What, shouts she, ain t yer delivered that 67 The Beggars Club bonnut yet? It ought ter been there two hours ago. " Excuse me, madame, says I, it was Tom as took out de box an not meh; I m Jerry. " An what has Tom been doin all this time, the rogue ! shouts she. " Excuse meh, ma m, says I, a-squeezin a tear out of meh eye wid my sleeve. Tom ain t a rogue any more ; he s dead ! He was kilt by de cars. His last word was, " Jerry, ef yer loves meh, bring that bonnut back ter de millinury lady." " That s too bad, says she, i but I must get de bounut out right away, says she, < er it will miss de lady what s going ter de hop, an I wants meh pay ! An it s too late ter find anybody else ; yer must take it out ; yer must, " How kin yer ax meh that, ma m, says I meh what is feelin so bad about meh brother Tom? 68 Two Beggars and a Bonnet " < That s all sentimint, says she. Drink this an you ll feel better. An she offers meh a quarter ter hurry out wid de bonnut, but I hangs out fer fifty cents, sayin as a man s affections fer his lost brother was wuth at least an extree quarter. An she says, 6 Well, there ain t no time fer argu- mint. I ll give yer fifty cents, only hurry. " Yer tole meh it was only a quarter," bawled out Tom in a fury. " I must have been wrong one of de times, then," explained Jerry nonchalantly. " Well, as I was savin , she gives meh de fifty cents an she writes de name an de address in de book; there not bein time, she don t stop ter put on a tag. " i Ma m, says I, if you will give meh one of them empty boxes fer a gift I ll hurry extree quick, I will. An she axes meh what fer in Heaven s name I wants de box. " Ter keep a few relics from Tom in that is extree dear ter meh, says I, a-pullin out The Beggars Club meh handkerchief, an a few brass buttons, an an ole newspaper, an an empty bottle, an a piece of string. " So, she bein anxious ter git meh gone, gives meh a bonnut box, grumblin all de time an sayin , By de time that bonnut is delivered all meh profit 11 be gone. I giv yer brother a quarter an yer fifty cents, an* de bonnut box cost meh fifteen cents, which makes ninety cents fer taking a bonnut a mile an a half. I could git a cab fer that, I could. "< That s too bad, says I; < Tom might just as well have waited ter been kilt on de way back. An I trots off, bein angry that I didn t have sense enough ter cry ag in an* git another quarter. " Outside I meets Torn, an he says, seein de two boxes, i Yer don t mean ter carry out them two boxes fer de price ef one? " No, Tom, says I ; * de one box is empty. She guv it ter meh ! 70 Two Beggars and a Bonnet " She guv yer de empty box fer carryin out de full one/ says he, an yer took it like a ole fool? " i An a quarter asides, answers I. " " Which was a lie," howled Tom indig nantly. Jerry did not allow his brother s asper sion to interfere with what the rhetoricians call the swift onward flow of his narra tive. " An what are yer goin ter do with that empty box? axes Tom. " i Leave it at sister s/ says I. We ll say as we was thinkin bout de mines an de stocks, an we fetched de box away, not thinkin . An we ll fool the stingy old fox twice an maybe borry a quarter asides/ * Jerry, says Tom, yer a gen us ; no one but a gen us could have thought ef that. " Well, Tom an men goes up ter sister s flat, An I waits downstairs while he totes up de empty box. 71 The Beggars Club Here Jerry looked a,t Tom beseechingly, and Tom relieved him of the burden and went on to tell the further adventures of the bonnet. " I goes up de stairs an Mary opens de door, an I sees she was angry, but I holds up de box afore she has de chanct ter speak. < Excuse meh, Mary, says I, but in meh trouble about de mine an de stocks I took de bonnut away, not being used ter carryin one. " En Mary smiles an axes meh ef I wouldn t stay an have supper. I ain t got time, says I. Stock s goin up all de day ; but ef yer has a cup of coffee an a bite ter eat ready I don t mind. An , Mary, I goes on, I ll bring yer a picture ef de mine on Sunday an yer kin hang it on yer parlor wall. But I must hurry along now an mind de stocks. " When de door was shut I runs up ag in an rings, an Mary answers. Mary, says 72 Two Beggars and a Bonnet * I, in meh flurry alongside ef de stocks goin up I left all meh money wid Jerry would yer mind lettin meh have a quarter till Sun day? " An Mary, who was always that stingy yer couldn t get a penny without beggin an 1 beggin , an a nickel without cryin an cry- in , she says, Yer might just as well have fifty cents es a quarter. I ain t de kind es forgets a brother in trouble. " " Yer old skinflint/ thundered Jerry, " yer tole meh yer couldn t get a red from her. Yer owes meh a shillin " An I ll pay it some day afore I dies," smiled Tom blandly, hastening on to say : " When I reaches de street I finds Jerry walkin up an down an cursin , which is unusual, him bein so lazy. " What s de matter? axes I. " < Oh, Tom, says he, we done it, we done it. We left de wrong box wid Mary de one wid de bonnut. This here one is empty. 73 The Beggars Club " < How did that happen? I axes, turnin pale. " It all comes along yer argumint about carryin de boxes/ answered Jerry. < I fooled yer by givin yer de box wid de bonnut in, an I forgot ter change when yer went up de stairs. " It serves yer right, answers I, fer tryin ter play tricks on yer brother, an makin meh do de extree work ; but I feels sorry ter see Jerry a-lookin so scared, an I says, * Yer a blamed old fool fer a gen us, Jerry ! " An why? axes Jerry. " Why, shouts I, could anything better a-happened? That mistake is wuth a fortin . Yer an meh kin eat a week at sister s fer de bonnut, an we kin charge de lady just es much fer deliverin de empty box es de full one." " Tom, says Jerry, * I m proud of yer ; yer a gen us. 74 Two Beggars and a Bonnet " So meh an him goes ter de house, which was a brownstone one an no flat, an we rings de bell. " i This is swell/ says Jerry ter nie; we ll raise de price ter thirty cents apiece. An I hands Jerry de box, knowin Jerry is better at drivin a bargain. " Here s yer bonnut, says Jerry when a lady conies ter de door. " < Thank de Lord, says she ; missus is almost crazy. An she reaches out her hand ter grab de bonnut. " Not so quick, Miss, says Jerry ; meh an him each gets thirty cents fer takin youse de bonnut ! " That s outrageous, says she ; < I never heerd de like ef it. I ll call missus. " An de missus, what was a tall lady with a thin voice, comes a-runnin down de stairs an a-scoldin : I never heerd ef sich a thing an I ll not pay it. I never pays anyone fer deliverin goods, says she. 75 The Beggars Club " No, ma m, says I, not generally speaking but this is in a hurry. " < Kin two go quicker en one? she snaps ag in. " No/ answers Jerry, him bein ready this time, but ef I happened ter be kilt on de cars, why, Tom could take de bonnut. " Which is de great p int about de Tom an Jerry Bonnut Deliverin Company/ says I. " < This is all very funny/ says she, 6 but youse kin leave de bonnut, an ? I ll arrange it with de millinur lady. " Not much, says Jerry ; i that wouldn t be so funny fer us. Yer kin pay us first, an ef it ain t right yer kin git it back from de millinur lady. " * Well, I ll pay, says she, cause I must have de bonnut, but it s an impisition ! " An she pays us an we runs off. An that s all there is to de story," ended Tom. "Except," added Jerry, "that meh an 76 A Beggar s Strategy Tom is goin ter sister s fer dinner on Sun day!" McQuinn was the one hearer who did not enjoy the strange adventures of the bonnet it came under his category of the long and the dry. "It s gettin close on ter twelve o clock," grumbled he, " an all this talkin for only two rounds." One-armed Jake took the hint, like wise time, by the forelock, suggesting, " I kin work in a short story an another round tween now an twelve o clock." " Dat s de kind," assented McQuinn, look ing threateningly at the twins, and before the beer was bubbling in the can Jake had already delivered his introduction of A BEGGAR S STRATEGY " Meh an Foxy ( I see Foxy ain t here to night) worked a racket dat was all right fer Foxy, but what didn t go at all fer men. 77 The Beggars Club Him an meh started out ter-day an he axes meh what I has on. " No scheme at all, answers I ; meh brain is givin out. I m gettin old ! " Well, puts in Foxy, 1 got a scheme, but not havin tried it I ain t sure dat it 11 work. Did yer ever try de sympathy game, Jake? he axes. " Dere ain t no game what I ain t played/ says I ; sympathy game an all. " Dis is a new sympathy game, answers he, an I m sure dat no one ha,s played it. Yer see, Jake, it goes like dis : yer fixes yer- self fer de lame man an I fixes meself fer de blind man. " Hold on, Foxy, says I, dat s old ; dat was done before any man on de earth was ever blind er lame ! " Give a feller a chance, snaps Foxy ; < let me finish. Here s de new part : I stands on de corner wid meh hat in meh hand, an yer hobbles up ter meh, an yer looks sorry 78 A Beggar s Strategy fer mch. Den yer drops a dime in meh hat. Den a whole crowd of people 11 say, Did yer see dat beggar give de other beggar a dime? How deservin- he must be. Den dey all stops an drops a dime in meh hat. Some ef em more an some less. " < Dat s a very fine game fer yerself, Foxy, says I, a very fine game for ter work meh fer a dime. " Not at all, answers he; < ef it don t work I gives yer de dime back, an ef it do work why, we diwides. " Ef it s sich a fine scheme, answers I, *yer kin give meh a dime an I ll drop de same dime in yer hat. " An Foxy smiles an he says, < I knows yer, Jake; yer ain t honest; yer d run away wid de dime. " * Both ef us would be takin de same chanct, Foxy, answers I. Yer kin give meh de dime an I ll put it in. " < All right, Jake, says he, but I m sorry 79 The Beggars Club yer so sispicious. An he fishes thru all his pockets an turns em inside out, an he shakes his head. " 6 Yer sees how it is, Jake ; I m willin ter trust yer, but I ain t got de dime; I m busted, says he. " < All right, Foxy, says I, < I ll risk de dime on yer, but ef yer don t do de square thing by meh I ll git even. " So meh an Foxy walks on, an Foxy watches sharp, an when he sees de right corner, he stands still an he takes orff his hat, an he begins ter sing a song de like ef which I never heerd afore. He must have made it up ez he went along; it sounded like Chinee ter meh. But whether de song was Chinee er Japanee, it done de work. Yer never seen sich a crowd ! "An I takes off meh hat an I hobbles thru de crowd an I begs an I don t get a red. Den I fishes a dime out ef meh pocket an drops de dime inter Foxy s hat, a-sayin 80 ff An* he begins ter sing a song" A Beggar s Strategy ter mehself , * Good-by, dime ; meh and you ll never see each other ag in. Den de crowd loosens up. Yer d a thought it was a-rainin silver. I niver seen sich an invistment fer a dime in all meh born days. In five minutes his hat was dat full I fought it d break. " " Foxy puts de coin in his pocket an* walks away, an I follers. When we gets to de alley I axes him how much it was. " Ten dollars an eleven cents, says he. " Den yer kin give meh five dollars an* five cents an keep de extree cent fer yer- self, says I. " An Foxy grins an I knows something is a-comin . " i Jake, axes he, < de dime what yer put in meh hat had a hole in it, eh? " < Yes, answers I quick, afore I fought ef it had a hole in it er not. " < Yer a rogue, shouts he ; < I knowed yer didn t put a dime in meh hat. Dere was no dime wid a hole in it ! 81 The Beggars Club " < Come ter think on it, says I perlitely, de dime I put in didn t have a hole in it. " Jake/ axes he, t which is a lie, de first er de second, er both? " I reaches out an I grabs him by de t roat. Look here, I yells, two lies er no lies, are yer goin ter do de square thing by meh? " An Foxy, seein I means business, he agrees ter divy an I don t let meh hand orff his throat till he does. An when he gives meh de coin I hands him a punch, an Foxy yells. An I turns ter go out of de alley when Foxy bawls : " Say, Jake, I didn t do de square thing an I m ashamed ef mehself . Now, Jake, yer an meh kin work de same racket over ag in. I ll trust yer to do de right ding. I ll play lame man an yer kin play blind man, an sing an hold de hat! " < All right, Foxy, says I ; here s meh hand on it ! A Beggar s Strategy " So meh an him starts fer a new corner. An when us hits on one, I takes orff meh hat an I shuts meh eyes ter play blind an sings fer all I m worth. It didn t take long fer de crowd ter come, an Foxy hobbles up ter meh thru de big crowd an he stops in front ef meh an looks inter meh hat an he grins. Den he hobbles away, not droppin de dime in. Yer a long time a-spendin dat dime, I was a-goin ter yell out, but I dasn t. " Den he hobbles around meh ag in an I was a-reachin out ter land a long kick on his shins when he yells out : " Look out, Jake, de cop is cominV " Like a fool I opens meh eyes an looks around, an de crowd laffs an howls an I sneaks away. An if I catches Foxy I ll make him a bracelet out ef meh ten fingers fer his neck ! " " Dat reminds meh," vociferated Loony Louis, " ef " 83 The Beggars Club " Save yer remimberences fer another time," frowned McQuinn ; " the clock has struck twelve, an it s time fer honest people ter be in bed." 84 MEETING THE FOURTH SAM THE SCRIBE, having appeased the wrath of Lame Tom in his suave way, was on hand to greet his comrades. He looked even more absorbed than was his wont, and all held their peace, feeling sure that Sam had something to say. CALIFORNIA COX AND THE BEGGARS^ UNION " Gents/ began Sam when all the club members had assembled, " California Cox and his dog Mike is in town. I ain t seen Cox in years, and I almost fell over to-day when I caught sight of Cox and his dog on the corner, playing their same old game. He s got the greatest dog alive ain t another one like him anywheres. Smart as a man, that dog ! The California trained him. Spent a year eddicatin him and now the dog is paying it back." " What s his game? " asked Pete the Squealer. 85 The Beggars > Club "Cox plays blind," answered Sam, " wearing his sign and all ; sits on a camp- stool, playing the accordion, an the dog Mike dances around on his hind legs until a crowd comes; then he barks, snatches the hat from Cox s head and passes it around. If that dog comes along to someone that won t drop coin in the hat he just lays down and cries, and the crowd laughs at the tight- fist and the next feller is kind of shamed into giving up." " An him only a dorg? " asked One-armed Jake skeptically. Sam, vouchsafing no answer, went on to say : " Well, I watched the dog and Cox at work for a while, and it made me sick to see the coin rolling, and rolling into that old hat of his. And so easy, too ! I reckon the mint don t drop coin no easier." " I moves," yelled Lame Tom, " dat dis club trades One-armed Jake, Loony Louis an Mollbuzzer f er dat dorg ! " California Cox The Scribe shook his head impatiently at the interruption and went on : " Now I ve made up a scheme for separating Cox from his dog, and if the club will stand by me and do what I say we can begin work to-morrow and get Mike Cox the day after." " I moves," cried Charlie the Conner, " dat Cox, Mike Cox, de dorg, be made a honerary member ef dis club right now." " Before you take a vote on that," smiled Sarn, " Fd like to tell you my scheme and coach you in your parts," and without any further hindrance he outlined his wicked plan for stealing an innocent dog from its dependent master. On the following morning, in accordance with the instructions received from Sam, the members of the Club gathered on the corner pre-empted by California Cox and his dog Mike. After enjoining each member not to for get his part in the plot, Sam left his com- 87 The Beggars Club rades and approached Cox, a huge fellow, all bone and muscle, who sat peacefully playing his accordion, to the droning meas ures of which his trick dog Mike was pranc ing about on his hind legs, holding the rim of his master s hat in his mouth. A large black sign, painted in white let ters, hung across the broad chest of the men dicant, warning the world that the wearer was blind, but Sain, refusing to heed the signal, stepped up to him boldly and said : " Hello, Cox! Do you remember me? " " I don t remember yer voice," said Cox, " an I can t see yer face." " I wrote your first blind letter for you. Do you remember me now? I m Sam the Scribe." " I paid yer fer de letter; what more does yer want? Interest maybe?" " Oh, nothing," came from Sam. " I ve got a paying job now." "Whatdoin ?" 88 " Cox sat peacefully p/a^ing bis accordion. California Cox " President of the Amalgamated Beggars Union." " Never heard ef dat yet," growled Cox, scenting mischief. " Of course not It s something new ; but you ll hear of it soon. Have you got a mem bership card? " " No, an I ain t a-goin ter git none neither." " Then quit work, Cox, before the Union runs you out of business. You re a scab ! " " Sam, yer up ter yer tricks. I knows yer." " Good-by, Cox, I m off. The delegation will be around here in a few minutes." " Hoi on a, minute, Sam," bawled Cox ; " is dis straight? " " Straight as a pin," replied Sam. " We re incorporated regularly, according to the law of the State, and we ve got our charter. It will cost you two dollars to join and you ll have to give up the dog. Rule number one 89 The Beggars Club prohibits the use of all animals and the beg ging of all children under fourteen years of age." " Afore I gives up da,t dorg," thundered Cox, springing to his feet and grasping hi heavy stick, " I ll see youse an yer Union in a place where de North Pole would burn fer kindlin " " Good-by," shouted Sam, out of reach, " I ve warned you ; I ve done the best I could. You ll be whipped so that your own dog wouldn t know you from a lump of mud." " An if I ketches yer near dis corner again," roared Cox, " I ll make yer look like whipped eggs, ready ter go inside ef a cake." Not five minutes had elapsed before the Beggars Club advanced toward Cox in a body of the whole, with Sam for spokesman. " Here s the delegation I promised," be gan Sam, keeping out of reach of the huge fellow s fist and stick. 90 California Cox " Show yer card ! " went up the cry, " er git out" " Fll give dis crowd all de cards what it wants ! " yelled Cox, springing to his feet irately, grasping his dog Mike in his arm (it was always his first movement, being along the lines of self-preservation) and reaching down for his stout stick; but the weapon was gone, being now the property of Foxy Basket, who intended to wield it against its legitimate owner. Singling out Foxy and the stick, Cox made for them with a sudden spring, punch ing and kicking his way through the inter cepting crowd of beggars, who dodged his powerful blows, running and screaming. A second or two thereafter, when a crowd had collected to learn the cause of the trouble, every separate member of the Club had made good his escape, including the tri umphant and grinning Foxy, waving his spoils of the battle. 91 The Beggars Club " See here/ said a policeman, pushing his way through the mass of people toward Cox, " what fer is this disturbince, Oi d like ter know?" " A gang of hobos has jist been aroun here," puffed out the breathless Cox, " try- in ter make trouble an sayin I d have ter join der Union er " " Oi can t have no more av this," inter rupted the bluecoat, " Union er no Union, phwat do yer serpose Oi care? This dis turbince av order an public traffic ain t a-goin ter do. You move on now er Oi ll be after a-runnin yer in." " But dis Union is a fake," Cox explained. " Fake, is it? Phwat do yer serpose I care? You hobos kin fix it atween yersilves. Move on, er Oi ll be runnin yer in an quick." Almost blinded, in all truth, by wrath, swearing and mumbling to himself, Cox folded his camp-stool and his accordion, 92 California Cox tied his dog to its chain, and went in quest of green fields and corners new. Sam, who had remained behind to listen to the dia logue between the officer and Cox (it had all happened as he had foreseen and planned), approached the wandering mendicant, and asked with a broad grin on his smug face : " Well, Cox, did you show the cop your card?" Cox gave his answer by making a swift lunge for Sam, dropping his camp-stool and accordion during the operation, but holding on to his dog tightly. Sam had the advan tage, which he did not scorn to use, of a smaller body and swifter legs, and he made good his escape. Pete the Squealer calmly picked up the accordion, Shirtless Sam seized the camp-stool, while Hungry Henry yelled : " Yer kin git dese back when yer joins de Union." 93 The Beggars Club California Cox, giving vent to his feelings in language fitter for wrath than publica tion, continued his search for an advan tageous corner. " I ll have ter stop," he muttered to himself, " an buy a new accor dion, fer de dorg won t do his turn without de music, an a new camp-stool besides, which ll come ter more n dat confounded Union card in de fust place." He hastened to a department store, in vested in a new instrument, astonished the clerk by his imprecations against it, and replaced his camp-stool, which astonished another clerk. His foot had barely touched the pavement outside when the voice of Looney Louis bawled at his ear : " Did yer buy a Union card in dere? " He turned with a howl in the direction of the accusing voice, but in that surging crowd he might as well have sought one particular atom in the air. " I ll put meh hands on ter one ef em yit," he muttered, " an if I does 94 California Cox I ll give him fer meh card ter dat blamed Union ! " Finally he selected his corner, one which was a mile or two removed from the scene of his previous operations, put his camp-stool in its place against the electric-light post, tested his new accordion, and settled down to business with a vengeance, hoping to make up for lost time. Mike balanced his lithe body on his hind legs to seize his mas ter s hat and pass it through the crowd of mere noon-day idlers and of busy people who stopped for a second s amusement on their way from one task to another. The grateful sound of the coin jingling in Mike s hat was just beginning to appease the mas ter s wrath, when Blind Bill yelled out, high and clear above the notes of the droning ac cordion : " Say, fellers, dat scab Cox is tryin his old flim-flam on de public ag in." " He s a sly one," replied Lame Tom from 95 The Beggars Club the fringe of another group. " I bet yer he ain t so blind but what he kin tell de head from de tail end ef every coin in de hat." " I knowed him in Cal " Foxy Basket started, but he did not stop to finish his ob servation, for the burly beggar had jumped from his camp-stool, grabbing his dog first, and darted in the direction of the disturbers, not in the least particular which one he should succeed in capturing first. The three, running pell-mell down the street, put an increasing distance between themselves and their pursuer ; while the on lookers were convulsed with laughter at the strange sight of California Cox, his breast still adorned by the sign advertising his blindness, moving so unerringly and swiftly (Mike in arm) past truck and car and horse, tearing like mad with unerring vision after the three hobos, discernible now by their tattered garments alone. Cox returned, empty-handed, out of breath and of temper, 96 California Cox to face the banter of a throng increased to tremendous proportions by the laughter and the uproar. California Cox had a good control of his rage when necessity held the reins of it, and turning a deaf ear to the jeering of the street wits, he pushed his way to the electric-light post, only to find himself minus another ac cordion and another camp-stool. To in crease his agony the elements are as mer ciless to the mendicant as to the millionaire, and it never rains but it pours another policeman was at hand, now that the dis turbance was over, to bid him move on or to rest in jail. " It s jist a gang ef hobos an deir fake Union," Cox tried to explain. " Union or no Union," said the bluecoat, " Oi ain t a-goin ter stand fer no disturb- ince the loikes av this. It s somethin else Oi have ter be doin besides watchin hobos an settlin their disputes." 97 The Beggars Club California Cox, perplexed, dedeviled, knowing not what to do nor whither to turn, bent his steps to his lodging-house in the slums, counting that day lost, the low de scending sun seeing him poorer than when it arose, and resolving to make some one (he sent up a prayer that it might be Sam the Scribe) meet the deficit. II The Beggars Club met as usual that night at McQuinn s, so pleased by what it had done during the day that the usual order of business was suspended, and the time given over to the discussion of each member s share in the first steps of the plot to divorce California Cox from his dog Mike. The laughter was so loud, the screams of merriment so deafening, that Mc- Quinn left his retreat behind the bar and threatened to turn the club out of doors. 98 California Cox " I tell you," said Sam the Scribe, when McQuinn s warning had restored order, " Cox will be here before another hour is over to take out a card and join the Union. He s figured out that he can t do business without our permission and this day s tri fling has cost him more than " " Will he bring Mike along? " interrupted Hungry Henry eagerly. " You bet," answered Sam, " where Cox goes Mike goes too. He s afraid to leave " " Do we get that dorg to-night? " inter rupted Blind Bill in his turn. " I don t know," replied Sam slowly, re flecting; " to-night may be a little soon." " He ll kill the hull gang ef us," said Loony Louis, arising. " I m goin ter clean ! " " An meh ! An meh ! An men ! " shouted the others, following suit. " Keep your seats, gents," ordered Sam, authoritatively. " I know Cox and his ways. 99 The Beggars Club He ll sue for peace; he s too greedy for money to spoil our noses just to spite his own." There was the light swing of the outer screen doors, the bark of a dog, a heavy foot step across the floor ; and the Beggars Club turned to a man. " There he is now," said Sam, " sure enough." Leading his dog by a chain, a new and still heavier stick in his hand, the huge figure of California Cox wended its way to the center of the Club s charmed circle. There was a broad smile on his face, which somehow suggested art rather than the spontaneity of nature. " We ve been expecting you," said Sam calmly. " Yer have, has yer? " grinned Cox, ex tending his hand as a sign of truce, tower ing head and shoulders above the Scribe, looking as if he could have crushed him 100 California Cox without effort between his thumb and his forefinger. "Well, Sam, old feller," he went on, still smiling, " I come ter take out a card." " Here s the card," said Sam, handing him a piece of pasteboard on which was written in red ink: The bearer, California Cox, is hereby permitted to beg on the streets of this city according to the laws and regula tions of the Amalgamated Association of Union Beggars, the said Cox being a legitimate member of the body afore said and entitled to all of its privileges. (Signed) Sam the Scribe,, Sec. and Treas. " How much did yer say dat was? " asked Cox, slowly spelling out the words of the writing. " Two dollars," replied Sam. " What ! Two dollars f er dat bit ef paste- 101 Ille Beggars Club board ! " rejoined Cox. " It didn t cost no two cents." " I know," said Sam, " but it s not the card yer paying for; it s the privileges to beg undisturbed." " It s de first time in all meh life dat I ever heard ef a man payin ter beg," objected Cox. " Times is changed, Cox." " I should say," he glared ; " dere s no sich thing as freedom in Amerikee no more. An here s another thing, dat card don t say nothin bout meh dorg Mike. Is Mike in de Union de Union ef (glancing at the card) Amalega Beggars? " " Amalgamated," corrected Sain suavely. " No, he ain t ; it s against the Union laws, as I explained to you in the first place, to employ animals or children under four teen." " Why fer? " " Well, the Union is trying to save skilled 102 California Cox American labor from the competition of cheap Dago beggars and their monkeys ; and to put a stop to children taking the bread out of grown-up folks mouths, that s why." " That s a pretty law, dat is ! It s a reg>- lar beaut it ought ter wear a diamond col lar round its neck. What kin I do without de dorg? I spent a hull year a-trainin him." " I m sorry, Cox, but " " I don t care a yeller hair orff ef Mike s yeller back if you re sorry er glad es kin be ! " he replied, his anger getting the better of him for the minute. " I ll leave fer Cali fornia ag in before I gives up Mike." " It s the same there, Cox ; the Union has branches all over." " I ll see de branches an de main tree turn inter blue grass afore I gives up Mike. Dat dorg is wuth from five ter ten dollars a day anywheres." 103 The Beggars Club " Holy Gee ! " exclaimed Hungry Henry, " an him only a dorg." Sam lifted a warning finger ; quiet reigned in the clubroom again. " I ve had my say, Cox ; the law is the law." " An bunco is bunco," yelled Cox, " an I m going ter start work right here to morrow morning. And if youse fellers bother me again I m going to make hash out ef de whole crowd, ef it costs me ninety days. Do yer hear? I ve a mind ter start in right now ! " And he showed his willing ness to begin work by swinging his heavy stick. " All right," replied Sam, still cool, de spite the consternation of those around him, " you want war, and you can have war. We just gave you a taste of the power of the Amalgamated to-day; look out for to-mor row ! But you had better keep good-natured and part friends with the gang ; this is only business on our part." 104 California Cox " It s mighty bad bizness all the same/ said Cox, taking his anger in hand and cool ing off again. " Supposing jist ter show there s no hard feelings, dat you let de dorg do his turn," interjected Loony Louis. " Mike don t perform unless he s paid," remarked Cox ; " an I lost meh accordion." " Here it is," yelled Hungry Henry, for getting himself in his eagerness to see the dog do his tricks, and handing him the in strument. " Thanks," said Cox grimly, fingering the keys, " an seein it s meh own an a new one at dat, I won t bother bout returnin it." Mechanically he began to play and me chanically the yellow dog, not at all embar rassed by its chain, grabbed his master s hat, and, prancing around on his hind legs, passed it from one member to the other. The beggars were so delighted with Mike s sagacity, so infatuated by his antics, so flat- 105 The Beggars Club tered by the diplomacy which pretended to take them for their betters, that they who had been mendicants all their lives long, turned donors now and dropped their coin into the extended hat. Mike s dogged deter mination won the day for his master. California Cox emptied the hat, counted the money and remarked quietly : " Es luck would have it, meh friends, dere is jist two dollars here, which is jist enuff ter pay fer meh lost camp-stool. I ll bid youse an de Amalga Association good-night," And he marched out slowly, leaving the club breath less by his boldness and his cunning. " He beat ye, Sam," cried the two twins, recovering from their astonishment first; " him takin away de accordion, our cash, an de dorg." " The game ain t over," replied Sam caus tically ; " it s just begun." 106 California Cox III Two whole days passed and California Cox went the usual tenor of his way without let or hindrance from any member of the club. The quiet was too quiet to put Cox en tirely at his ease ; he would have liked some slight disturbance, if only to prove that the club and Sam were doing their worst and that this worst was feeble at its best The lull predicted a tornado that would break too suddenly to allow him to creep under shelter. Cox s soul was prophetic ; for Sam was by no means idle. Angry that he had been hu miliated before his fellows and bearded in his own den, the Scribe went to the unusual length of spending his own money to wreak vengeance. It was he who wrote out and paid for the advertisement, printed in three of the dailies, reading : " California Cox, the celebrated blind beggar, wishes to purchase 107 The Beggars Club five yellow dogs. Good price paid for the right parties. Apply at his stand, corner of B. and C. streets, Wednesday morning at ten." " That will give Cox two days to think nothing is wrong," explained Sam to his comrades, " and you fellows want to keep away from him or you will spoil it all. Meet me on Wednesday morning and we ll have that dog or my name ain t Sam." As early as half-past nine on Wednesday morning the members of the Club assembled at Cox s corner, watching, in silent satisfac tion, the number of yellow dogs increase as the minutes went on. Loony Louis and Deaf Dan and Blind Bill and Lame Tom and Sam himself had a yellow cur under his arm ; but these five canines were mere dots in the growing sea of yellow. No one would have believed that the popu lous city sheltered so many dogs of that one hue. There were boys there with yellow 108 California Cox dogs, men with yellow dogs, women with yel low dogs, and girls with yellow dogs ; all, it is true, were not particular about the differ ence of a shade or two in color, and many of the canines might have passed muster for brown, and some few had black; but since the advertiser was blind and a beggar, the owners argued that he could not detect the deceit, and if he did, beggars not being choosers, he ought not to complain. There were big dogs and small dogs, St. Bernards and pugs, bulldogs and fox-terriers every breed of dog that showed a streak of yellow within or a dab of yellow without. The city editors of two of the papers had their attention called to the odd advertise ment by the business office, and several re porters were on hand, wondering and eager for a " story." The barking and yelping of the dogs, the odd assembly of fanciers, at tracted a crowd, and it was difficult for those who came to sell to pick their way 109 The Beggars Club through the still greater throng of those who came merely to see. Long before the patient Cox refused to purchase yellow dogs from clamorous owners who wished to sell, he began to scent mischief and he knew from what evil quar ter the bad odor came. When the thirteenth man came along with the thirteenth dog and Cox had said, " No, go along wid yer dorg," for the thirteenth time (always an unlucky number) , he lost his temper and he swore he would cuff the fourteenth. The fourteenth happened to be more stalwart of frame and more persistent in character than any of his predecessors, and he urged and urged the superior points of his yellow dog over all others, until the persecuted Cox flew into a rage and struck at him and the fancier struck back, and all of the thirteen others who had been refused and those without number who feared they would have their trouble for their pains pitched in and went 110 California Cox tooth and nail for Cox and his assailant, not knowing one from the other. " Now s our time at last," whispered Sam the Scribe to his band of conspirators, and they rushed in, 3 T elling and screaming, and the mob, following suit, rushed in with them, so that there was nothing but a tangle of yel low dogs and men and boys and women and girls. That corner never witnessed such a pandemonium, and it is much to be doubted if it will ever witness another. " Take Cox s dog and tie yours in its place to the post," yelled Sam to Hungry Henry. And Henry did as he was bade in no more time than it took to do the bidding. "Kill him! Stop thief! He s takin Mike, meh dorg ! " thundered Cox, freeing himself at last with one supreme effort from the mixture of dogs and men that were pin ioning his arms, caving his ribs and snap ping at his big calves. " I ll choke yer ! " roared Cox, striding for ill The Beggars Club Hungry Henry; but Henry, with a calm grin, wheeled suddenly, and passed Mike Cox on to Blind Bill, who, handing him his own poor yellow cur in return, tossed the pride of Cox s heart to Lame Tom, who, toss ing his cur back to Bill, whirled Mike Cox through the air to Loony Louis, who formed the connecting link between Deaf Dan and Lame Tom. So bewildered was California Cox by the maneuver that he paused as if paralyzed, unable to tell his own carefully bred and trained animal from the continual whirl of yellow tails and backs and legs of worthless curs that went barking and yelping from the hands of one of the conspirators into the hands of the other; and to make matters worse, if that were possible, the crowd was adding to his bewilderment and its own amusement by flinging its own unsalable mongrels into the maze started by the beg gars. Even two officers of the law who had 112 California Cox come to make arrests remained to burst their sides with laughter. California Cox, recovering from his par alysis as suddenly as he had been seized by it, let forth a demoniac yell and made a mad dash for Deaf Dan at the moment when he thought his dog Mike, traveling through the circuit, had landed in Dan s extended hands. " I ll pound yer inter a ball smaller en de dorg ! " roared Cox. " Join the Union/- yelled Dan in return, starting to run. The officers, seeing the time for inter ference had come, regained their lost gravity and seized both Cox and Deaf Dan. " He s got meh dorg ! " gasped Cox ; " ar rest him." " It ain t his dog, it s mine," retorted Dan. " He advertised to buy it and now he s scheming to get it for nothing." " Clear out ! " ordered the bluecoats ; " take your curs and get away from this or 113 The Beggars Club we ll pull for the patrol and run the mob av yese in." " But it s meh dorg meh trick dorg, meh Mike ! " yelled Cox, beside himself. " Well, thin," said one of the police, " take another and go home. You don t ixpict us to be a-pickin out yer yiller dog from this howling bunch, do yer? Grab one an git out av this, an be quick, er Orll run yer in an sind ye over." The members of the club scattered in every direction, one one way, one another, io order that they might confuse Cox if he should start in pursuit. When Sam the Scribe took enough courage to pause and look around he saw Deaf Dan and Loony Louis racing side by side along the ground, the huge figure of Cox but a few yards be hind. Suddenly Dan and Louis changed dogs and parted their ways. Cox, borrow ing speed from rage, hurtled after Louis, gaining on the trembling beggar with every 114 California Cox step. In his confusion Louis flung the cov eted prize on the ground, hoping that Cox might be so overwhelmed by the recovery of his favorite that he would give up the chase and let him escape; but the California giant, swooping down on the yellow cur that fell from Louis terrorized arm, gave vent to a yell of despair, and then, doubling his pace, flew down the alley into which the trembling Louis had turned. Heartless and hopeless, for a reason un known even to himself, seeing no other loop hole, the wretched Louis opened the cover of an empty ash-box and plunged himself, ostrich-like, head foremost into its depths. Cox saw the strategem, tore the cover open and hauled Louis out by the nape of his neck. " Didn t yer git yer dorg? " whimpered Louis. " Yes, I got meh dorg," hissed Cox, tight ening his hold. 115 The Beggars Club "I m glad ef it," whined Louis; "I did meh best ter take him fer yer ! " "Yer did, eh? Well, I predate yer efforts. Take dis an take dat fer meh thanks ; but since yer didn t take de right dorg, take dis an take dat for meh regrits. Don t scream cause dey re too light. I ll make eni harder an harder." " Hold on," moaned Louis ; " maybe I kin git de right dorg back from Sam; he knows -" Cox ceased his blows for a second, con sidering. " No, yer don t," he muttered ; " one trick 11 do meh fer to-day. Youse is a slippery lot, an I ll take de grease out ef yer, one by one, as I get yer! Take dis fer de Amalga Association ef combined double- dealers, an here s an extree nice one fer yerself." " Look behind yer, Cox ! " yelled Louis suddenly, his wits growing stronger as his strength decreased. " The cops is comin . ; 116 ^^ ,*^, "** ^ / / { \ California Cox California Cox, for whom the word " cop " had an ominous ring, releasing his grip on Louis, turned to look, and found that noth ing but a long vista of alley met his fright ened gaze. Louis seized advantage of that moment as if it comprised the rest of his life and he spurted down the alley at a rate with which his legs, inspired by a lesson and a warning, had never moved before. It was the vengeance of one man staked against the life and limb of another, and baffled ven geance, in the shape of Cax, found itself looking at the top of a fence over which the terrorized Louis had leaped. " I ve a-traveled thru dis country from California ter Maine," murmured Cox, com pelled to admiration, " but dose fellers takes de blue ribbon fer work along deir line. If Mike wasn t gone, I d give up an steer clear of deir district; but I ll get Mike back to night at McQuinn s or I ll turn Sam de Scribe inter insect powder." 117 The Beggars Club IV Looney Louis was barely able to crawl into McQuinn s that night to attend the hasty consultation of the Beggars 7 Club. " Never mind," consoled Mollbuzzer, look ing commiseratingly at Louis bandaged eye and arm and neck; " It 11 help yer con siderable in beggin ." " I m a-telling youse," mumbled Louis in return, " dat only fer dat fence meh beggin days would be over. Oh, but she was a pretty jump ! A man kin only do dat oncet in his life, an in de mornin I m goin ter crawl aroun dere an look at de fence ag in an study how I done it," " Never mind, Louis," smiled Sam the Scribe, " one twenty-fifth interest in the dog is yours. When Cox comes around to-night you can " " I m goin right now," exclaimed Louis. " Yer don t ketch meh anywheres near him 118 California Cox where dere ain t a fence aroun an a high one. He s a most terruble feller! Good night, gents." And no amount of persua sion could prevail upon Louis to be at hand to greet Cox. " Does yer think he ll come, Sam, sure enuff?" asked Hungry Henry. " We got the dog, ain t we? " asked Sam by way of answer. " Yes," replied Henry ; " he s one ef de two tied dere in de corner to de leg ef de table." " Well, then, Cox will be here." " But what will he do ter us? " asked Blind Bill. " I m no fortune-teller," said Sam, " but it s only common-sense to suppose that he ll try persuasion to get the dog back, and that failing " " He ll try our necks," interrupted Moll- buzzer. " Maybe," went on Sam, undisturbed, 119 The Beggars Club " but I don t believe it. We have him scared to death, and he don t know what we re going to do next. He ll accept our terms, sue for peace, join the club, and let us share and share alike in the earnings of the dog. Leave me to handle him when he comes in. One of you fellers had better take Mike Cox and throw him inside of the barrel in the back yard ; and don t forget to put a stone on top of the cover." " Which of the two dorgs is Mike Cox? " asked One-armed Jake. " Dis one," said Crutch McAllister, point ing to the larger of the two. "No it ain t!" yelled Mollbuzzer; "it s de other one." Sam eyed the two dogs for a few minutes and scratched his head. " Mollbuzzer is right," said he ; " it s the smaller one." " Well," said Deaf Dan, " we got mixed up in the shuffle of yellow dogs and so we carried away two." 120 California Cox " That was right/ asserted Sam ; " it s al ways best to be sure." He was by no means sure himself, but he dared not say so. "Will we let de big dorg go?" asked Squint-eye. Sam remained lost in thought for a second or two. Squint-eye repeated his query. " Put Mike, the little dog, inside of the box against the wall, and put the big dog outside in the barrel," ordered Sam. Sam s command had scarcely been com plied with when the screen doors were flung open and California Cox entered. The club retreated into various corners, each member looking anxiously for a free inch or two wherein to squirm, to dodge, or to run. Sam s heart fell when he saw that Cox s face, somber and hard set, wore no sem blance of even a pretended friendship; and for the first time he feared that in the flush of victory he had overestimated his own 121 The Beggars Club powers and the sacrifices that Cox would make for the sake of peace. " Well," started California Cox, laying his stick down on the table with a thump ; " I don t see de cadger I laid hold ef dis after noon, an I wants ter see him bad. I hates ter leave a job half done an I wants ter put de finishin touches on ter him. But you ll do in his place, Sam," he shouted, wheeling suddenly and grasping the Scribe by the throat, " You ll do ter begin on, den I ll lay out de others. Dey kin choose turns." The members, without the waste of a second s time, made for the back door, the front door, and the windows, each picturing himself in Sam s place, and none of them liking the picture. " I guess neither Sam er de dorg 11 ber- long to de club no more when we gets back," whispered One-armed Jake to Foxy Basket, on the run. " I d like ter help Sam," replied Foxy in 122 California Cox subdued tones, " an so I would ef I was made out ef Injee-rubber. Poor Sam ; what good is all his learnkf an eddication now? McQuinn, seeing the peril in which Sam stood, left his bar and swaggered up to Cox. " See here, he said, doubling his fist, " I ain t goin ter have nothin like dis goin on in meh place." V It s yer place, is it? " asked Cox, hold ing Sam by his left hand, freeing his right. " It is," replied McQuinn, " an it ain t big enuff fer ter hold both ef us." " Den one ef us gets out," shouted Cox, landing a blow on the saloon-keeper s chin that sent him to the floor, dazed and useless for combat. " Now, Sam," muttered Cox, jamming the Scribe against the wall, " I m ready ter give yer meh free and undiwided attention. Dere s a hole in de wall, I sees ; and I don t know but what I ll make yer inter plaster ter fill it. Yer d make a smooth grade ef 123 The Beggars Club plaster, wouldn t yer, eh?" he asked, twist ing Sam s ear until he shrieked from pain. "Yer agrees ter de propersition, I sees. Well, we ll let it hang fire fer a minute until we finds Mike." " He s in the box there," gasped the Scribe, white as the material into which Cox threat ened to turn him. "A nice place fer him, eh? Inside ef a box! Wanted ter suffocate him, eh? I ll take him out fust an put yer in aterwards. Yer needn t yell wid fear; I ll see dat yer fits." With such gentle speech did Cox throw rather than drag the palpitating mass which was Sam over to the box, and holding the Scribe with his right he threw the cover of the soap-box off with his left California Cox let forth a war-cry that awoke the Scribe from his dumb terror and threw him into an active state of pain, the like of which he had never experienced be- 124 California Cox fore, nor was it the first time, either, that the wily Scribe had found himself in pre dicaments of somewhat the same nature. " So yer would palm dat miserable yeller cur off fer meh Mike, would yer? Still up ter yer tricks, eh? Tricks is natural ter yer, eh? Yer d make a fine trick dorg yerself, yer would. Fm goin ter learn yer ater a while; but afore we begins yer eddication bring out Mike Cox, or I m afraid dere won t be blood enough left ter supply yer tricky brain." " He s in the barrel outside near the back door," moaned Sam. " I put him in there." " In a barrel, eh? Put him in dere same as if he was merlasses. Mighty nice ef yer, dat was ! I ll do de same by you. I ll put yer in, a little bit at a time. I ll label it Arnalga Union an roll it inter de river," he com mented tenderly as he dragged and bumped and thumped Sam into the yard. 125 The Beggars Club " Mike, oh Mike," called California Cox, and then he whistled. There came an an swering bark through the darkness of the littered yard from the direction in which the barrel stood. " Thanks be ter Gawd," cried Cox, throwing up both his arms. " At last!" Sam re-echoed the sentiment. In the excitement of finding his long-lost treasure one might almost say his long-lost child, so dear and necessary had that dog become to his existence Cox forgot Sam and rushed for the barrel. The Scribe, in his excitement forgetting Cox, crawled through the yard and into the saloon on all fours, like a cat. Not two seconds thereafter Cox rushed into the saloon carrying the dog in his arms, but when the rays of light from the oil lamp fell on the yellow bundle, curled closely against his broad chest, he flung it away with an oath of surprise and rage. 126 California Cox " It ain t Mike/ he yelled. " Mike had a small white star on his head." " Maybe Sam stole the star," whimpered McQuinn, shaking in his boots, supporting his wrenched chin on his right hand. California Cox caught sight of Sam the Scribe stealing past the front window of the saloon, and he was at the threshold w T ith a leap, only to bump squarely against the form of Loony Louis, who was fondling a small yellow dog and peeping into the saloon timidly. " Don t yer kill ineh, Cox," pleaded Louis, seeing the utter impossibility of escape ; " I jist come here on purpose fer ter bring yer de dorg back." " It s Mike Cox an no mistake dis time," cried Cox with delight. He loosened his tight grasp on Louis bandaged neck. "I don t git killed den?" asked Louis hopefully. " No," answered Cox ; " I guess 1 ham- 127 The Beggars Club mered yer enough fer one day, an seem yer brung de dorg back yer kin go." " Don t I git no riward? " whined Louis. " Kiward ! " shouted Cox, dumfounded ; " I d like ter know fer what? Fer stealin de dorg, maybe ! " " I didn t steal him," replied Louis indig nantly ; " I finds him barkin round yer lodgin -house when I was a-goin home an I grabs him, thinkin it might be Mike Cox." " Yer gittin yer neck fer a riward, an if it ain t enuff " Cox doubled his big fist. " I s pose it 11 have ter do," muttered Louis, crawling off. 128 The Autobiography of a Beggar THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BEGGAR i I COMES INTER BE WORLD Bein de account ef how meh reserches in Hebrew brung meh ter de study ef anter- polergy. I WAS born well, what s de use ef putt-in down what everyone knows? I w r as born an dat settles it. I don t know de day nor de year, but what has dat got ter do wid it, anyways? De main fact is dat I was born. Ef I had ter do it over ag in I might change meh mind, but bein born an dyin is w^here beggars comes in even wid millionaires. Did yer ever stop fer ter think dat de only diff runce twixt men is what dey does atween de time dey is born an die? We is all born equal an we dies equal, but we don t live equal. Hurrah fer equality! Anyways, I 131 The Autobiography of a Beggar am forty years old, er I ought ter be; I kin tell dat cause I can t be ten, and I m too old ter be twinty, an I must have been thirty a long time ago. Forty is a good place ter stop orff, an I m goin ter let it go at dat. Not ter know yer age is a good way ter keep young, eh? I rekomind it ter wimens. Oh, wimens, giddy wimens, joy ef a, man s folly, as de poet says but dey comes later in de story. Where was I born? I don t know ef it s any ef your perticuler bizness, but it bein dat I m writin meh histree fer de sake ef a anterpolergist an his noble coin (which comes in furder on) I don t mind sayin I was born in a alley ef Chicago on de big West Side. Ef yer kin find dat alley yer pretty smart smarter en meh cause dey have carted it orff long ago an thrown it inter de lake. Maybe dey done dat in meh honor, an maybe dey done it cause dey needed de space. Yer kin take yer pick. 132 I Comes inter de World Meh mother was a Irish washerwoman an meh father was a German by profession afore he come ter Amerikee. His trade was ter watch meh mother work an 7 ter lick me. He didn t work no union hours at either end. Dey give meh a grand eddication, startin meh out early in life wid a baskut on meh arm ter bring home what I could. I stoled oncet an dey licked meh fer not stealin more when I had de chanct. (I m goin back an scratch dis part out ) I ain t told yer meh name yet, fer de fact is dat yer jist ez well orff ef yer don t know it, an I ve got one eye on de perlice while I m writin dis, which ain t comfertuble. Sam de Scribe says bein a literary guy ain t no snap, an Sam knows more en a cross eyed cow, I m a-tellin youse. Meh real name is George Schwarz, I t ink; but I ve changed meh name so often accordin ter cir cumstances dat I ain t sure ef I m right. It s a funny world, eh? Seems yer got ter 133 The Autobiography of a Beggar have a name same ez a dog er de number ef a house. Dey named de first man Adam an ever since den we took names ter be in line. Style and fashun is responsible fer all meh woes. I was arristed oncet (oncet? Ha! Ha!), an de jidge axes meh what was meh name. " I ain t got none," I says. " Thirty days fer havin no name," he says. " Please, yer honor," I pipes up, " meh name is Mollbuzzer." " Twinty more fer contimpt ef court," he says. Well, meh secret is out, so I might ez well tell yer meh name is Mollbuzzer. It s a name what thieves calls a feller what picks wimen s pockets and bothers wimens in gin- eralj Moll, meanin wimens, I guess; an Buzzer, like all names, explainin itself. It ain t pretty, I admit; but it was guv meh agin meh will an I ain t complainin none, 134 I Comes inter de World fer it might hav been worse; but I don t see how. I don t want yer ter think I ever picked a pot-ket, fer ter tell yer de truth, it s a slick trick an I never could get on ter it, an I m too honest, anyw r ays. I was pinched oncet fer tryin , an I left it alone ever since. Dear reader, do likewise. Yer must have rubber fingers ter pick pockets, an begin practicin young. It s a inborn gift like writin poetree er paintin a pict- shure er bein a carpinter, an dere s no use ef cryin ef yer ain t born dat way. Meh motto in life is, ef yer can t get what yer want, don t sit down an cry, but jist go an grab it. I must tell yer how I come to write de sweet story ef meh life, cause I ain t a-doin it fer fun. It come about all along ef goin in de public libraree fer ter read a book. " Yeagers," which is de English fer beggars, likes librarees in winter, cause dey is warmer en de weather, an cause yer kin 136 The Autobiography of a Beggar git a nice big book, hide yer head ahint it an go ter sleep widout payin fer yer bed. De day I went in it was colder en a corpse, an dere was nothin doin on de street, no one bein out ter see how deir breath looked. So I goes inter de riference-room an I says ter de cove wid a blue coat at de desk, " Bring me a book." An he looks at meh sharp an he says : " What kind ef a book? " " A histree book," says I, thinkin ez dey must be de biggest, count ef histree bein so long. " What kind ef a histree book? " says he. " United States histree," says I. " Which one? " axes he. " Is dere more en one? " axes I. " Sure dere is," says he, laffin . "Well," says I, "bring me de biggest." An he goes orff a-laffin , an soon he comes back wid de histree, an I carries it to de desk an starts ter read de pictshures. Den 136 I Comes inter de World I finds a piece bout George Washington which wasn t so slow, an I reads dak George was a iligent gineral an a good Prisidint, considerin he come first. Den I finds a piece bout a duck named Aleck Hamilton, who, so a feller named Dan Web ster says, " hit de rock ef national finances wid de rod of wisdom" an made money come out ef it when de countree an George Wash ington was hard up. But I don t believe dat no, not men. Aleck, I guess, would have made a better hobo en George, seein he was so good at comin games. Well, I started ter write meh own histree an not de histree ef Amerikee; but I come on ter a part bout a cove named Aaron Burr, who was at de head ef all ef 7 em when it came ter de playin ef games. De first thing Aaron done was ter put Aleck Hamilton out ef bizness wid a gun, an den he comes de rock and rod game his- self ; but de peepul bein on ter de trick, he 137 The Autobiography of a Beggar gives it up ter grab de Mississippi Kiver, but dey catches him, an it was all over wid poor old Aaron. He had ter skip ter Paris an live on cold victuals de same ez us. His- tree teaches dat dere ain t no game what ain t been played long ago. Well, I reads on a bit an falls asleep, a-dreamin I was Aleck Hamilton hittin de rock wid meh little rod an tellin de peepul like dis : " Feller-citizens, each ef youse kin step up an give me one little dime; den I will hit de rock wid meh rod an make de coin bubble, an each of youse gets a big silver dollar. Ef de rock don t work yer gits de dime back. Step up, feller-citizens, an git rich quick. De first guy an dime takes two silver dollars." An de feller-citizens, never havin been done dat way yet, bein still young an inner- cent, steps up lively an hands meh a nice lot ef new dimes, which I was puttin in meh pocket, when someone grabs meh, an I 138 I Comes inter de World swings meh rod, thinkin lie was a-goin ter take de dimes away from meh, an I wakes up. It was de libraree cove wid de blue coat. "What are yer doin ?" he says. " Dis ain t no lodgin -house; yer can t sleep in here!" " I wasn t sleepin ," I says, mad at him fer comin along when de dimes was all mine, " I was only a-thinkin ." " Well, yer makes a awful noise when yer thinks," he says. " I was thinkin about Aleck Hamilton hit- tin de rock," I says. " I don t care," he says, lookin puzzled. " I ll have ter put yer out ef yer sleep ag in." "Can t a feller t ink?" I grumbles, an he goes orff back ef his desk, an I goes back arter him an says : " I d like anudder histree book a very old histree book de older de better," fer I wanted ter see what sort ef games dey 139 The Autobiography of a Beggar played in de times afore George Washington was born. De cove in de blue coat grins an he says, " De oldest histree book we got is in He brew." " Good, dat sounds ez old ez old clothes ; bring it along," I says. " Kin yer read it? " axes he. " Kin I read it ! I wouldn t axe fer it ef I couldn t read it. I guess meh own uncle is Hebrew," I says. An he brings de book out an I goes along wid it till I comes ter where a real old gent wid long gray hair an gold specs was sittin an readin , an I takes a seat opersite him, thinkin maybe he would lay de gold specs down an I might pick em up. An I pretends not ter see de old gent ; but he looks up ater a while an watches meh, fer I was a-mumblin an a-mumblin ter mehself an a-waggin meh head up an down ez ef de Hebrew book was more excitin en de 140 I Comes inter de World tale ef " Buck Bradley s Kancli, Er Up Agin de Pirates in Missouri, He looks sirprised an den he looks over at meh an he says : " Excuse me, my friend, but in what langwidge is de book dat yer is readin ? " " It s in Jew langwidge er old Hebrew," I says. " Yer don t say," he smiles. " Is yer fond efit?" " It s meh faverite langwidge," I says. " What does de book treat on? " axes he. " On old Hebrew games," says I. " I never knowed dere was sich a book in Hebrew," he says. " Yer kin read it ef yer likes," I says, pushin de book ter him. " No, thanks," he says ; " I can t read Hebrew." " Yer can t? " I says, "it s too bad. It s am- usin ter discover how old our new games is." " Dat interests meh," he says. " I m a anterpolergist." An he gets up an comes 141 The Autobiography of a Beggar ter take a seat next ter meh ; de cove in de blue coat lookin on wid his eyes wide open. " What s a anterpolergist? " I axes him. " Is it somethin new?" " Compearatively speakin ," he says. "A anterpologist is one who studies de scienceof man." " Same ez a cop? " I says. " Not xactly," smiles he, rubbin his gold specs, but not layin em down like he orter. " What makes de name so long? " I axes. " It sounds ez ef it took two pounds ef steam ter blow it thru a whistle." " It comes from two Greek names," he says, " meanin man an 7 science." " I thought dere was two Greek names in it," I says. " Dose Greeks is awful on names. I knows one what has a fruit store, an his name is longer en a bunch ef bananas." An de old gent rubs his glasses an laffs an says, " How come yer to study Hebrew?" 142 I Comes inter de World " How conie yer ter study anterpolergy? " axes I, not knowin what else ter say. " Well," he says, " count ef meh interest in man." " It was de same wid meh an Hebrew," I says. " Would yer mind readin in eh a bit out ef de book? " axes he. " Sure not," says I. An I says ez ef I was a-readin , " Mohowee, mohowwhoaa, mohah- aha," er somethin dat was jist ez good. " Not so loud, ef yer please," says he. " Yer have ter read Hebrew loud," says I, " it bein part ef de langwidge." An I goes on readin , louder an louder, an de cove from behind de desk comes runnin up an say in : " Dis won t do ; yer makin too much noise an disturbin evrybody. Yer go right out er I ll call de cop from downstairs," he says. " It was meh own fault," pipes up de old gent. " I axed him ter do it." 143 The Autobiography of a Beggar An I goes out inter de hall an de old an- terpolergist comes a-runnin ater meh. " I m sorry dat happened, 7 he says. " So am I," I says, " count ef de cove chasin meh out I loses a dollar an a half translatin two pages of Hebrew fer a min ister." " Well," says de old gent, " I ll make it right. But supposin we gits somethin ter eat, it bein near noon, an I wants ter talk wid yer ; yer interests meh." " I m sorry," I says, " but I really ain t got de time. I ll have ter go an tell de min ister what happened." " It won t take us long," he says. " All right," says I. An he takes meh inter a basemint restaurint an he starts ter ai meh a whole pile ef questions, like dey all does ; it bein human natcher ter want some- thin fer yer money. " How comes it," he axes, " ef yer kin read Hebrew so good dat yer English is so bad? " 144 I Comes inter de World " Bad company done it," I explains. " How come ye ter git in bad company? " he axes. " Count ef meh Hebrew," I says. " Explain yerself," he says. " Well," says I, " I got so interested in Hebrew dat I wouldn t do nothin but read old Hebrew books, an meh wife got mad at meh fer neglectin her, an she runned orff an I took ter drink. Dat s de histree ef it." " Who learned yer de Hebrew? " he axes. " I learned it in collidge," I answers. " What collidge? " axes ha " Hebrew collidge," I says. " I never heard ef it," says he. " Yer hearin might be bad," says I, an he laffs. " Where was yer born? " axes he. " I was born in England," says I. " What did yer father do? " axes he. " He was prisidint ef de Hebrew Col lidge," I says. 145 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Den de collidge was in England? " axes he. " Sure/ says I. " Why didn t yer say so den? " axes he. " Why didn t yer axe meh? " says I. " W T hat was yer mother? " axes he. " Meh father s wife," says I. " I know dat," says he, laffin ; " but what was her nationalitee? " " She was Chinee," I says. " Chinee! Dat s funny ! " says he. " It s wasn t funny at all," says I ; " meh father was like meh. He was terribul on langwidges. Whenever he wanted ter learn a new langwidge he married a new wife. His fust wife was German, an his second was French, an his third was Spanish, an his fourth she was Chinee. An dat s all I knows," I says, de dinner bein over, " an I d like meh dollaran ahalf which yer prom ised meh." " Here it is," he says, " but yer is de big- 146 I Comes inter de World gest fakir what ever I seen in nieh born days, an I don t think yer knows any more Hebrew en a cat." " Didn t yer hear meh read it in de libraree? " I axes, puttin de coin in meh pocket. " Dat was no more Hebrew en it was Chinee/ he says. " Dat shows yer don t know Hebrew from Chinee," I says. " Take yer money an go long," he says. " I don t want yer money den," I yells ; " I wouldn t touch it wid a pair of gloves," an I lays it on de table, hopin he would add anuder dollar an apolergize. " Thanks," he says, takin de coin an put- tin it in his pocket. " I don t believe yer knows any more ant- erpolergy en a pig," I says, " even if yer did beat meh out ef a dollar an a half." " I didn t beat yer," says he ; " yer gave it back ter meh." 147 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Keep it an welcome/ 7 I says ; " I never knowed anybody ter get money dat way what did him any good. An yer calls men a fakir an a liar an meh self-respect is more ter meh in all de money in de world." An I goes out, loo-kin mad an hurt. " Come back here ! " he yells, an I comes back an he says : " I ll tell yer what I ll do, we ll go out an I ll buy yer a Hebrew book wid de dollar an a half, seein as yer likes Hebrew so much." " All right," IsaySjthinkin I would rather have de Hebrew book en nothin ; " all right ; dat s jist what I wanted was a Hebrew book." So we goes inter a old bookshop aroun de corner an de old gent axes de man ef he has a Hebrew book, an he says dat he has de Bible in Hebrew, which was free dollars. " I knows where I kin git it fer a dollar an a half," I whispers ter de ole gent. " We ll go an git it right now," he says. 148 I Comes inter de World " But de man what has it is only dere at night," I says ; " give meh de coin an " An de ole gent smiles an he says, " Yer is a good one, yer is ; but I guess I ll buy yer dis book here." " An throw a dollar an a half away ! " I says, meh heart in meh mouth ; " I d ruther see yer give it to de poor. Dere ain t no Hebrew book wuth free dollars," I says, " Hebrew bein out ef style fer a long time." " Well, dere is anuder store next door," says de old gent ; " maybe dey has some Hebrew books." So we goes in dere an de man says he has a Hebrew book on Moses fer a quarter. " Dat s jist what I wants! " I says; " I ve been a-lookin all over de earth for a Hebrew book on Moses. Glory Hallelujah ! " I says. " It s yourn now," says de old gent, givin de cove a quarter. " An yer kin give meh de two dollars an seventy-five cents which I saved yer," says I. 149 The Autobiography of a Beggar " How so? " axes he. " How so ! " says I. " Didn t yer want ter pay de cove next door free dollars fer a Hebrew book only fer meh?" " De agreemint was only fer ter buy a Hebrew book/ 7 he says. " No, sir," "pipes I ; " de agreemint was ter buy a Hebrew book fer a dollar an 7 a half ; so ef yer gives meh de book on Moses an a dol lar an 7 a quarter asides we 7 ll call it square. 7 " All right/ he says ; " yer is de best dat I ever seen ; take de book an 7 de money an 7 go. 77 " Thanks, 77 says I, puttin 7 de coin in meh pocket. " I ll sell yer de book on Moses back fer fifteen cents. 77 " Not much, 77 he laffs. " Yer missin de chanct ter make a dime quick, 77 I says. " I t 7 ought yer wanted de book on Moses so awful bad, 7 he says. " I t 7 ought so, too, 77 I says, " but in dis 150 I Comes inter de World book de Hebrew is written so bad I can t read it." " Den why does yer want ter sell it back ter ineh ? " axes he. " What s de diffrunce ter yer," I says, " seein ez yer can t read Hebrew anyways, ef it s good Hebrew er bad Hebrew? " " Please go away," he says; " I ain t got no more time." So I takes de book an de old gent goes orff a-laffin ter hisself an I follers him, an ater a while I pulls him by de coat-tail, puffin fer wind, ez ef I runned all de way. " You agin? " pipes he. " What does yer want now? " " Thank Gawd I found yer," I says. " Why fer? " axes he. " De cove in de store," I says, " told meh a lie ; dat Hebrew book ain t on Moses. It s in yer line it s a book on anterpolergy. De title is two Hebrew words meanin man an science. Jist de thing yer wants," I says; 151 The Autobiography of a Beggar " de whole thing is in dis little Hebrew book all yer wants ter know about science an all dere is about man." " But what good is it ter meh, my friend," he laffs, " ef I don t know Hebrew? " " I kin learn yer how," I says, " fer ten cents a hour an it 11 only take ten hours/ " No, thanks, I ain t got de time," he laffs. " But ain t yer goin ter give meh fifteen cents, runnin all dis way? I might have died from heart disease," I says. " I tell yer what yer kin do," he says, kind ef thinkin ter hisself, " yer keep de Hebrew book an write meh down de story ef yer life from de cradle to de grave don t leave out nothin , an bring it ter meh in de libraree an I ll give yer twenty-five dollars fer it. I have a notion dat dere ll be more anter- polergy in it den in de little Hebrew book." So dat s why I m writin meh histree from de cradle ter de grave. I had to write dis down about de old cove ter kind ef git a 152 I Comes inter de World start, but I m goin back an scratch it all out, only him want-in it he might give meh dat fifteen cents fer dis part what he wouldn t give meh fer de cute little Hebrew book. 153 II MEH START IN LIFE Start right an 7 you ll end wrong anyways. WELL, old gent an anterpolergist, ter go back in meh story a foot er two, I never runned away from meh home, sweet home ; I jist natcherally quit, bein a independent boy an wantin ter earn meh own livin an not support meh parents any more. I was fourteen den, very tall an strong fer meh age, an hungry; more hungry en tall, I guess. De man what give meh a start in life was a blind " yeager " by de name ef Wily Will. I ve seen all de beggars der is ( includin meh friend Foxy Basket) , but dat blind man was de king ef em all in some ways. I ain t got no reason ter love him, but I give him credit; he knowed his bizness. He s dead ez a door nail now, so de truth won t hurt him none, 154 Meh Start in Life which is de big joy of bein dead. Peace ter his cinders! He was short, thin, small, rather gray on de top kind ef a feller when I knowed him first, all bone an muscle, wid a grip like a bulldorg s teeth. Bulldorg s teeth an handcuffs has de two best grips ef anything on earth, an I ve had em all tried on meh. Wily Will was de oddest beggar in de world, which yer will learn ez I go along. He jist kep ter hisself, not cause he was proud er stuck-up (few beggars is), but jist cause he thought it was good fer bizness. Yer knows how most of em is, livin in a house tergither, an tradin secrets an marks, er workin wid a boss er a king ; but Wily Will he jist went his own lonely way an wouldn t speak ter eny ef em. I seen him beggin around when I started out on meh own hook, an I axed him ef it wouldn t be a good idee fer meh ter lead him up an down, an he reached out an nabbed 155 The Autobiography of a Beggar me by de wrist an he never let me git loose till I runned away from him. We lived in a shanty in de rear ef a tene- mint on Quincy street, an de only furniture was newspapers on de wall, a bed on de floor, an a stove where he done his cookin . Fried eggs an a bit ef bacon an coffee was his favorite dish. Also he liked ter play de fiddle an ter sing. Also he was a miser, which is a strange combination, an comes later on. His perticler game was ter sell lead pencils. De first day we went out he says ter meh, " Keep yer eyes open an yer mouth shut. Don t talk none. I ll do all de talkin . Yer mother is dead an I m yer father, an dat s all yer needs ter rimimber ef it comes ter a pinch." " But meh mother ain t dead," I says. " I ain t takin yer ter Sunday-school," says he, handin meh a nice lick on de ear. " Hold yer tongue." 156 " Arf he never let me git loose till I runned away from him." Meh Start in Life " Yer might change jvriste," I said ater a bit. " Git used ter it," he says. He didn t beg on de streets none cause he said he had reg ler customers in de stores an it looked bad. We wint around from place ter place an he got a nickel here an a dime dere, an oncet er twice a quarter, an more often a cussin . He didn t talk none ter meh, only mum- blin to hisself agin bad bizness an hard luck all de time. I kin tell yer afore dat mornin was over I was dead tired ef meh job. I could hardly pull meh legs along, but when I lagged behint he gives meh a pinch an says, " Yer leadin meh ; I ain t a-leadin you." I was hungry, too, an he wouldn t give meh nothin ter eat, sayin two meals a day was enuff fer a boy. He didn t drink none an he kep out ef saloons altergither, sayin , " Saloons is no good fer our line. 157 The Autobiography of a Beggar Dey wants a dollar wuth ef fun an time fer ivery cent dey gives up." " Yer made a dollar an ninety-five cints already dis morning" says I, countin up on meh fingers ; " ain t yer goin home? " " Keep still," he says ; " de pencils cost meh a dollar an forty." " But dey didn t keep de pencils ; yer got em yet." " Ye little fool," he says, " don t I have ter sell de pencils afore I makes anything? An how does yer know I took in a dollar an* ninety-five? " " I counted up," I says. " Yer ter mind yer own bizness," he says. " Yer told meh ter keep meh eyes open," I said. " An yer mouth shut," he says, pinchin* meh arm. De first place we went inter dat afternoon, de cove says ter him, " I don t berlieve in en- couragin beggars ; but ef a man comes in ter 158 Meh Start in Life sell somethin I allus berlieves in buyin what he s got." " Dat s a good principul," says Wily. " But yer pencils ain t no good at all," says de man ; " de last ones what I bought had no lead in em." " Well," says Wily, " yer knows how ivery body cheats a blind man. It s a shame ; dose pencils cost meh two cents an a half apiece an I sells em fer five. I m sure dese new ones is all right." " How much will yer give meh a dozen fer? " axes de man. " Fifty cents," says Wily. An de man gives him de half, an Wily says, " I see I only got eight, I ll leave de rest de next time I comes aroun ." " I don t do bizness dat way," says de cove. " Come ter think," says Wily, " de boy has got a package in his pocket" " I ain t," I pipes out. 159 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Yer f ergot," he says ; " I put em in yer coat dis mornin " ; an he slips his hand in meh pocket an sure enuff he pulls out de pencils. An when we gits outside he says ter meh, " I got a notion ter take yer in de alley an wallop de life out ef yer. Didn t I say ter keep yer mouth shut? Yer nearly cost meh a half dollar." " But de pencils come ter most a quarter," I says, " an " " Shut up," he roars ; " yer too smart ; I ve a mind ter let yer go." " I wish yer would," I says ; " I d start in de pencil bizness fer mehself." " I ll pencil bizness yer when we gits home," says he. An he starts in an cusses dat cove fer keepin de pencils, callin him de puttiest names whatever I heard fer cheatin a blind man. He was crazy bout dose pencils ; it seemed ter hurt him more en ter lose money. I never seed de like, fer dey 160 Meh Start in Life didn t cost no more en two fer a cent. An I says ter him ater a bit : " Is yer goin ter bring de cove de new pencils in de mornin ? " " I ain t crazy," he says. " But you ll lose a good customer," I says. "I ain t lookin fer customers," he says; " any fool kin sell things." " I know," I says, " but " " Yer knows nothin at all," he says; " not even enuff ter hold yer tongue." An all de way home dat night he kept cussin an mum- blin agin people what wanted somethin fer deir money. " Dey kill the beggar bizness," he says ; an like de little fool I was I pipes up an axes : " Why don t yer quit sellin things an jist beg, den? " An dat rimark cost men a crack on de ear. In de night fer supper he gives meh a hunk ef bread, an he says ez he would give meh a fried egg an a piece of bacon, which he 161 The Autobiography of a Beggar cooked fer hisself, only it was meh fault dat he lost dose dozen pencils. Den lie gits out a book an writes down de names an de numbers ef de peepul an what dey gives him, an I watches him close an says : " Don t fergit de man what kep de pen cils." " You undress an go ter bed," he says, sharp. An I undresses, not thinkin ef what was ter come, an what does he do but take meh clothes an search meh pockets, De dime an de nickel what I managed ter steal on him rolls on de floor, an he seen em jist ez ef he had eyes. " Yer ra,scul!" he yells, " stealin from meh ! I ll learn yer ! " " I had de dime an de nickel afore I come ter yer," I says. " Den yer should have given em ter meh," he growls ; " boys ain t got no bizness wid money, anyways." I d ruther not write down how he tried ter separate meh skin 162 Meh Start in Life from meh bones. " Now yer turn over on yer side an 7 go ter sleep," he says when he was thru whalin meh. Den he takes his fiddle an plays an sings an I pretends ter sleep, but I didn t, fer I wanted ter see where he put de coin what he took in dat day. Along ten o clock he puts de fiddle away an ties meh clothes up in a bundle an puts em under his bed, so I seen dere was no chanct ter run away. Den he moves de bed a bit an lifts a plank out ef de floor, an he takes out a bag ef money (a whole bag ef it ; I hope ter die ef it ain t so, Mr. Anterpolergist) an he counts it, an plays wid it, an sings ter it, an talks ter it- like ez ef dat coin was kids. Den he ties it up agin an puts it back under de bed agin. I s pose he had de notion dat if he slept over de coin it would hatch de same ez ef it was eggs. Den he mumbled some more ter his- self bout de cove what kept de dozen pencils an he went ter sleep. 163 The Autobiography of a Beggar De next mornin I made up meh mind ter keep meh. eyes wide open, an run away de first chanct I got, cause he fed me worse den I could feed mehself by playin basket, which means de same ez playin doormat, er beggin fer food at kitchen doors. Sides, I seen dere was no chanct ef gettin de bag ef coin, seein he slept over it an meh clothes too. I was a-dyin ter a,x him how much coin der was in de bag, but I didn t dare. On de way downtown he says ter meh: " Yer go an get dem pencils back. Tell de cove dat yer father made a mistake an give him de wrong ones, an dat he ll come round dis afternoon an give him a dozen new ones in deir place. I ll wait fer yer right by de outside door an ef yer brings em back I ll give yer two fried eggs an a slice ef bacon fer yer supper; an ef yer don t I ll wallop yer." So I goes inter de cove an tells him what Wily says, an he laffs an gives meh de pen- 164 Meh Start in Life cils, takin em out ef his drawer. An I seen de chanct I was a-lookin fer, an stead ef goin out de front door I steals out thru de back an leaves Mr. Wily a-waitin . I bet he swore some. I begged on de street a bit dat day, bein hungry, an oncet I got a dime, but a cop seed meh an he says ter meh ef he catches meh agin he d pull meh in, an I got skeered. Why is it I was so young an green den? In de afternoon I reaches in meh pocket an feels de dozen pencils, which I clean fer- got, an idee strikes meh, an I walks back ter de cove s place, thinkin ez maybe I could giv him de pencils back an work him fer a dime. An I no sooner pokes meh little blond head in de door den de cove yells, " Dere s yer boy now ! " An Mr. Wily, who who was standin dere, makes a spring fer meh, an I runned lickety split down de street, never turnin ter look. I have been skeered often in meh life, most enuff ter git 165 The Autobiography of a Beggar used ter it, but dat was de wust skeer a man could have. But dat, was de last time Mr. Wily ever got in de same block wid meh. Awful smart feller, Wily ; yer see, he figured out dat I would come back ter sell de cove dat dozen pencils, an he must have been waitin dere all day ter grab meh. I guess dose dozen pencils worried him until de day de daisies turned away from his toes. 166 Ill GETTIN ALONG IN DE WORLD When yer in Rome do de Romans, which dey icould do ef dey come here, WHOOP ! Mr. Anterpolergist, ef it s all de same ter you I d like ter skip de time when I jined a gang ef kids what made it deir trade ter break inter empty houses fer de sake ef cuttin out de lead pipes. It wasn t no lead-pipe cinch, as I found out aterwards when de fly cops grabbed meh an dey sent meh to de riform school fer free years. I made up meh mind den an dere dat I d quit stealin, riform, leave dese git-rich-quick schemes alone, an earn a honest livin by beggin . Beggin is a heap slower, but it s surer. When I came ter Chicago agin, riformed but still happy, I made direct fer " De Star Ef Hope," a dime lodgin -house on Union 167 The Autobiography of a Beggar street, which is de winter haven ef rest an plenty fer hobos an " yeagers." I made de acquaintance ef Sam de Scribe dere, an I kin say dat meh fortin was fixed from dat day on. Sam was makin it his bizness den ter write letters an ter supply infermation. He kept reg lar books in which was writ all de names ef de easy marks in Chicago. His book was big ez de Chicago directory almost. He charged yer ten cents fer givin yer de name ef a house where yer could git clothes, an from ten cents up ter fifty fer de name an number where yer could git money. Pay was allus in adwance. Sam got us goin an comin , fer ef de clothes we brung back was good, he bought em back from us agin an sold em oncet agin. I used ter wonder what he done wid all his money. One day I started out from " De Star Ef Hope" wid anudder feller what we called Shirtless Sam, an we didn t git very far afore we seen a plumber comin out ef a 168 Gettin Along in de World saloon, wid a bag ef tools, drunk ez a bottle ef rum. " Seem plumbin tools an lead pipes," I says ter Sam, " makes me feel kinder ter home. I used ter be in de plumbin line fer a short time inehself." An thinkin maybe I could git de tools away from de plumber, him not bein in de condition ter use ein anyways, I starts ter speak ter him an he axes us ter come in an* have a drink, which we done. An he takes out a paper wid a name an a address on an he says, " I got ter go ter dis house an fix a leakin water pipe, but I ain t a-goin ter fix no water ter day, not meh ! " So I takes de paper way from him when he puts it back in his pocket, an Sam he grabs de bag ef tools an runs an I ater him. When we got inter de alley, Shirtless Sam says ter meh : " We kin take dese tools ter Sam de Scribe an sell em." " Ater fixin de pipes fer de lady," I says, 169 The Autobiography of a Beggar fer de thought ef lead pipes kind ef made meh homesick, an I was timpted agin. " But yer ain t no plumber," says Shirt less Sam. " Yer jist come along an watch meh an see," I says. So we went to de name an de number, an de gurl, which was a Swede, comes to de door an axes us why we was so late, growlin bout de water leakin thru de house an spoilin de carpits. " Don t yer worry none," I says ; " meh an dis gent here 11 fix it quicker en yer kin wink yer eye." An den I tells her de boss said ez we was ter collict de bill in adwance. " De missus is out," she says ; " she jist had ter go downtown fer a bit, an I don t know what ter do ! " " Well," says I, " de missus bein out " (which is what I wanted ter know), "yer kin fix de bill wid de boss aterwards ! " An she shows us inter de parler where de leak 170 Gettin Along in de World was, an says it must come from de bathroom upstairs. Sam an 7 meh shins up to de bathroom an I says ter him, closin de door tight, " Sam, dis is a cinch, de missus bein out an dis lead pipe bein wuth a couple cents a inch easy ! " " What yer goin ter do? " he says. " Cut de pipes out an flood de house out? We ll be sint over sure ! " " I knows meh bizness, I guess," I an swers. " Now you keep busy downstairs an leave meh an dese pipes alone fer a while." An I goes downstairs in de base ment fer ter find de place ter turn de water orff, but I couldn t find de place an de Swede gurl didn t know where de water pipe was, an bein in a big hurry I says, " Well, we kin let it go jist ez well ez not." When I come up to de bathroom agin I finds Sam a-cuttin a hole thru de floor big enuff ter put de bathtub in. 171 The Autobiography of a Beggar " What are yer doin? " I yells. " It s de only way f er ter find de leak ! " he says. " Yer kin leave de plumbin part ter meh," I says, " an go down in de parlor an look out fer de missus." " All right/ says he, grabbin a hammer an a saw an a chisel, " I ll take dese ter make a bluff at bein busy." An while I was cuttin two wood plugs ter stuff in de ends ef de pipes what I intended ter cut out, I hears a terruble noise from de parler, an Sam he yells up, " Oh, Moll- buzzer, come down quick ; de ceilin is ca,vin in, an I can t find de leak ! " I kites down de stairs a skeert out ef meh wits, an sure enuff dere was a hole in de parler wall big enuff ter put de bathtub in, an de water was a-comin out like from a summer fountain; fer Sam must a cut a hole thru de pipe! An de Swede gurl was a-sittin on a chair, rockin herself up an 172 Gettin Along in de World down, an a-hidin her head in her apron like she was goin crazy. "Who toled yer ter do dat!" I hollers. " Didn t I say ter leave de plumbin ter meh? Does yer want de whole house ter come down?" " Well, Mollbuzzer," he whispers, " de Swede gurl was a-standin around an- look- in an I had ter do somethin fer a bluff ! " " Fer Heaven s sake don t touch it agin," I says, an I climbs up de ladder he had dere, an I puts meh head in de hole ter look aroun an all de time dere was a little river flowin northwest by southeast thru de parler. It made meh turn pale, I kin tell yer. " Dere ain t much time ter monkey, Sam," I says, thinkin about de nice lead waitin upstairs. " Jist yer hand meh a couple ef dem rugs on de floor an I ll stuff ein in here ez best I kin." 173 The Autobiography of a Beggar An when he grabbed de rugs de Swede gurl come ter herself, an she lets out a most fierce yell, grabbin Sam by de arm ter git de rugs from him. " Meh Heavens ! " she screams, " what is youse goin ter do ! De house is ruined now ! O Lord, what 11 1 do? I wish missus was back, I do. It 11 take a week fer ter git dis parler back inter shape! " " No it won t, neither," says Sam, pullin de rugs away from her an handin em ter meh, " yer kin turn de hose on, light de stove, an use de broom an dry it out in less en no time!" " Wimens makes meh nervous when I m workin ," I says to de gurl. " Now yer jist run out ef here. I knows meh bizness when it comes ter plumbin , I guess." " I ain t goin out, neither ; I m goin ter stay right here an see what yer doin," she says. An jist den de water breaks out like from 174 Gettin Along in de World a tire-engine hose an dose rugs falls out on de floor an I gets wet to de skin, an de Swede gurl hollers like a ijiot. " Dere, yer see what yer done ! " I yells, flyin orff de ladder, " count ef yer wimen s ways ef standin round here. Go an git a candle, fer dat pipe broke in anudder place, an I must find it. Run fer yer life er de whole ceilin ill be down on yer head in a minute ! " " Sam, I says when she was gone, " we re in a lively fix. Dis job is wuth two years apiece now, an it 11 be worth more every minute. Dere ain t nothin ter do but ter saw orff de legs from dat gold chair an stuff em in de pipe." " Yer had better put de rugs back, Moll- buzzer," he says, lightin his pipe an puttin his feet on top de marbul table, like ez ef dere wasn t nothin de matter. " I m wet enough," I says ; " you kin do it. It s yer fault, anyways ! " 170 The Autobiography of a Beggar " No use ef both ef us gettin wet," he says, sittin calm an smokin an leavin meh ter saw de legs ef de chair orff. Den de Swede gurl, not findin de candle in de kitchen, goes up ter de. bathroom fer it, an when she seed what we done up dere she screams like a whole insane sylum. " Shin upstairs, Foxy," I says, " an lock de gurl in de bathroom, fer I m afreerd she ll make trouble fer us ! " An I climbed up on de ladder agin, f eelin wet an mad, ter plug de pipe wid de chair legs an ter put de rugs an two soffee pillers in de hole. De leak stops den, but dat Swede gurl begins ter scream agin like fury an ter bang and pound de door ef de bath room. " Sam," I yells, goin inter de hall an callin 7 up, " de leak is stopped an de gurl is locked up, so I guess it s a good time ter fly de coop ! " " But de pipes an de plumbin tools is 176 Gettin Along in de World locked up wid de gurl, an where is we goin ter be ahead? " he axes. "We ll have ter go, anyways," I says; " it s gettin dangerous. Maybe we kin take a couple ef coats ter make up fer our loss ef time an trouble ! " " I tell yer what yer kin do, Mollbuzzer, he says ; " cut a hole thru de parler wall an we kin pull de tools thru de hole." " I ain t a-goin ter do no sich thing," I says. " If you don t I will," he says, a-startin down ; " a few more feet ef hole ain t a-goin ter make no diff erunce, an dose tools is ourn, anyways. Why fer should we leave em here? " An afore I could stop Sam he climbs up de ladder agin, jerks de rugs out, an begins ter hammer an chisel thru de plaster an de slats. "Yer crazy," I yells, a-tryin ter stop him. 177 The Autobiography of a Beggar " I ain t, neither," he answers ; " I kin put meh head thru already ! " " De Swede gurl 11 ketch yer by de neck an choke yer ter death ! " I says. An sure enuff, jist ez I said, de Swede gurl sticks her foot thru de hole which Sam made an gives him a kick what sent him tumblin orff de ladder. " Oh, Mollbuzzer, Fm dead!" he yells; "I m dead!" An so he would a been ef I didn t ketch him. " Dose Swede gurls is terribul," he says, sittin down an feelin ef his head. " Tm never goin in a house agin where a Swede gurl is ! " " Got enuff? " I axes. " We kin cut down de whole wall," he says ; " an let de Swede gurl an de tools an all come thru ! " " Dere s de missus ! " I says, hearin de bell ring ; " I guess dere won t be time ! " " I guess not," he says ; an we went out 178 Gettin Along in de World by de back door, meh freezin ter death wid de cold an 7 de wet an him cussin all de time cause I didn t do as he wanted an sell dose tools ter Sam de Scribe. I guess he was right. 179 IV GETTIN EVEN WID DE WORLD In which I tells de secret ef how I missed gettin rich, an don t charge nothin fer it. I STAYED in " De Star Ef Hope " up till January de first, which was de day when Sam de Scribe come ter nieh an says, " Moll- buzzer, I got a scheme. I want ter be de J. Pierpont Morgan ef de beggar world. We kin make a trust ez easy ez not, an I ll be prisident an yer kin be secretary. Mor gan s got everything else an I guess he won t bother bout us none. Ef he does I kin squeeze him inter a corner. It might be a good idee," he says wid a wise wink, " ter take Morgan in, ef he behaves hisself." " Quit yer jokin , Sam," I says, " what s up?" " Well," says Sam, " de cops has got dis joint spotted pretty clost an I think we bet ter move out an rint a place ef our own. I 180 3 ir \^\ :i Gettin Even wid de World knows a whole house near Fulton street what we kin rint fer twenty dollars a month. We kin take de best yeagers in de town wid us, an ef we work things proper we kin run all de rest ef em out, er make em work fer us ! " I said ez I was willing an de next day Sam picked his men, which was about a dozen, an we went over near ter Fulton street ter live. De house wasn t much ter brag about inside ner outside, an all we put in it was ourselves an heaps ef rags an newspapers fer beds. Most ef de dozen has made deir names so familiar in de newspapers an de jails dat dey is famous widout wantin ter be, which is hard when yer thinks ef de number ef peepul in dis world what is dyin fer fame an can t git it. De most useful in de lot, next ter meh an Sam de Scribe, was a feller we called Doctor Dan. He knowed all about medicine an surgery an inakin bandidges, him havin been a horse doctor er somethin 181 The Autobiography of a Beggar like it oncet. He showed us how ter dye our legs an arms red wid acids an make em look ez ef dey was burned in a fire er hurt in a exploshun, accordin ez Sam s letters said. Fer a fact I seed him coax one ef de "yeagers" inter havin his two long legs pulled out ef joint, fer de sake ef workin de Amerikin peepul better. De beggar s name was Cripple Charlie, an I kin tell yer he was most mad when he wanted his two legs put back inter shape an Dan couldn t do it ez he promised. He swore he d have Doctor Dan arristed fer practicin widout a license, an ef Sam hadn t a smoothed it over de ras- cul would have done it. Our earnings was mighty good, fer Sam said he wouldn t have no beggar in de place what couldn t bring in two dollars a day, an he made em all work an contribute der share to de treasury. Ef yer wants ter know what Sam done to de treasury yer ll have ter ask him, cause he never tole meh. Der was 182 Gettin Even wid de World more en one row over it, but Sam could al ways arithmetic it out how every man would git his share in de end ef de season. We used ter " prowl," which is ter beg, all day an most all night, fer we diwided ourselves inter shifts an took turns. We spent our idle moments playin a game called " Turn over," which is played wid nine cards. It was Sam de Scribe s own invention, I guess, cause he had all our money long afore de rest ef us learned how. Maybe he used ten cards, but I watched him close an I could never see. Since den I have learned better en ter play any man s game but meh own, an ter be sure I understand meh own game. De twelve ef us jist took what part ef de town we wanted, an ef we caught any other beggar on our quart ers^we jist made him join us er git out. Dey howled first, but dey soon found out it was cheaper ter come in, cause we follered em aroun an made sich trouble fer em dat dey got sick. Afore de winter 183 The Autobiography of a Beggar was over we had twenty-five in de house, an we was eollectin from ten ter twenty-five cents a week from ez many more. Den Sam de Scribe he got de swell head an changed his name ter Samuel de Cadger King ; which made trouble. I warned him, but he wouldn t listen, sayin he was goin ter be king er nothin . Sam invented a system ef signs which we used ter mark on de houses. De sign ef a cross dog was X ; fer a cross dog an a cross woman it was * ; fer a kind lady it was O ; fer food an clothes it was ; fer money it was An 7 so we had signs fer most every thing, which saved a heap ef time an trouble. But Hungry Henry an one er two more ef em got mad at Sam fer puttin on airs an playin king, an dey left de house an went aroun de town changin our signs, an I nearly lost meh leg by goin inter a house marked wid de money sign an findin a lively bulldorg in de back yard. 184 DE THEFT EF DE PERSEAN CAT Bein? de account ef why it ain t no more wrong tcr steal animuls den ter steal any thing else. Now, talkin about bulldorgs an kind ladies an beggars signs reminds meh ef what happened ter meh wid a Persean cat. I was a-travelin thru de alley one day when I seen de sign ef a kind lady on de back-yard door. Den I peeped over de fence an I seen dat de back yard was full ef cats, dem cats bein in a wire cage what had tracks fer em ter walk up an down, jist like a eler- wated railroad. I axes somebody what it means, an he says: " It s a old maid lady what keeps a eatery er a cateract dat is ter say, a home fer cats." An he pints out one cat, a big white feller wid a long fuzzy tail, an he says dat dis one was a Persean cat an wuth five hun dred dollars! 185 The Autobiography of a Beggar "What fer is he wuth dat much?" axes I. " Is it a count ef his skin? " " Oh, no," laffs he, " it s nice fer ter see an ter have aroun de house ! " " Kin he do tricks? " axes I. " No," grins he, " but some people fancies cats an some dorgs an some birds ; old maid ladies preferrin cats ginerally." "Why fer?" axes I. " Cats bein considered good luck," ex plains he, " now dem Malteaser cats keeps de consumptshun away, an de Persean cats keeps orff rheumatisum. A cat is full ef lec- tricity," he says, " some cats havin one kind an some anuder." " Rich folkses is queer wid deir money,- says I. " Not so funny when yer comes ter con sider," he says ; " fer dem cats in de long run don t cost no more en doctors. An ef yer has all kinds ef cats yer don t need no doctors." 186 De Theft ef de Persean Cat An I goes orff a-scratchin meh head an wonderin howl could coax dat five-hundred dollar Persean cat inter in eh pocket, when I runs up agin Hungry Henry. An we con siders fer a while an den we puts all de coin what we could scrape up inter buyin a big baskut wid a cover. An we goes along de front ef de house where de old maid lady an her cat lives. I notices a pile ef coal dere, an I has an ideer, an so I sends Henry wid de baskut aroun de corner fer ter wait till I calls him. An I rings de bell an axes de gurl what comes to de door ef she wants de coal put in. " I ll call missus," says she, " an see." An den de old maid lady, what has long side curls an glasses an sharp eyes, an is tall an thin, comes down an axes: "How much a ton?" " Jist give meh a bite ter eat, says I, " an a hot cup ef coffee an I ll put in de coal what s dere fer a dollar." 187 The Autobiography of a Beggar " All right/ 7 says she ; an de girl takes meh inter de kitchun an trots out de grub, an while I was a-thinkin an a-watchin fer de Persean cat de missus conies down an says: " Dere s a board er two gone from de coal- bin in de back yard. Kin yer fix it? " " I kin," says I, " but I won t." " Why fer not, I d like ter know? " says she. " It s agin union laws," I says, " fer de coal-heavers an coal-carriers ter do carpin- ter work." " Dear me ! dose unions is gettin awful," says she. " I m sorry," I says, " yer bein so kind an a old maid lady asides, an " " What has dat got ter do wid it? " says she, a-gettin red ez a hot coal. " Nothin perticular," I says, seein as I must have made a mistake an not knowin just where, " but it do seem no more en right 188 De Theft ef de Perseau Cat fer a singul lady ter pay only half ez much " Jane," says she to de gurl, cuttin meh short, " git a carpinter." " Hold on," I says ; " I knows a feller out ef a job what 11 be glad fer ter put dem boards back fer a dime. I kin get him here in less en a minute." " All right," says she ; " hurry along." " No hurry, mum," says I, " no hurry ; he ll be dere all day. An I meant no of fenses, mum, when I says ez singul ladies an double ladies " " Hurry along," snaps she. An I runs out an brings Henry back. An de gurl leaves us in agin, an I says loud, so she kin hear: "Got all de tools in de baskut, Mr. Henry?" " Sure," says he ; " hammer an saw an all." An de old maid lady comes down an 189 The Autobiography of a Beggar says, " I like fer ter have de price fixed in adwance." So Henry an meh starts fer de yard where de cats is, an him, like a fool, goes right ter de cateract an peeps thru de wires at em. " Don t mind dem cats," scolds de old maid lady ; " dey will take care ef dem- selves. What 11 yer charge ter fix dose boards?" " Well, I ll tell yer," says he, lookin at de bin, " I ll fix it, an take a cat fer meh little gurl ter home." " I guess not," says she, laffin ; " why, dat Persean cat alone is wuth more en a hun dred coal bins." " I tole yer so, Henry ! " I yells, a count ef him not bein willin ter believe meh when I tells him de price ef a Persean cat. " Tole him what? " axes she, lookin sharp at meh. " Dat Persean cats, keepin rheumatisum 190 De Theft of de Persean Cat away, is wuth more en a coal bin, an him not willin ter believe it," An she laffs agin an says : " Oh, dear ; youse is two funny men." An she an Henry agrees on de price ef two bits fer ter fix de coal bin; an she says: " De gurl ill pay yer when yer done, fer I must be a-goin downtown." " An who ll pay meh? " .axes I. " I ll be back in time," says she, an she goes an leaves meh in de yard wid Henry. An Henry says ter meh : " You go an git a barrul full ef coal in an I ll look aroun ." An when I comes back wid de coal he says : " Dere s a big Newfoundlander dorg next door; yer kin hear him a-barkin at dose cats." "Well?" axes I. " I m a-goin ter fiddle aroun a while," says he, " an knock a hole in de fence an leave de dorg in." " Why fer? " axes I. 191 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Ter skeer dose cats/ says he. " What good ill dat do? " I axes. " Well/ says he, " I ll knock de lock orff de cateract, open de door, an let dose cats out, an de gurl ill come an chase de cats an de dorg, an I grabs de Persean cat an* puts him in de baskut. See? " " I see," says I. So he goes ter de gurl an says he fergot his hammer an his saw, an ? she gets em from de house; an he comes back into de yard an says ter meh : " Mollbuzzer, go an talk to de gurl while I saws out a hole in de fence an takes de lock orff de cateract." So I goes into de house an de gurl says, " What s de matter now? " " I broke a hole in de barrul," I says, " an I ll have ter have anudder one." " You ll find one in de cellar, downstairs," says she. " I won t go down in no cellar," I says, 193 De Theft ef de Persean Cat " a count ef ghostes which lives in cellars and downstairs places." An de gurl laffs an she goes down inter de cellar an I looks out ef de kitchun win der an seed Henry a-cuttin a hole fer de Newfoundlander dorg. " Der ain t time ter cut de whole fence down ! " I yells ; " dat dorg ain t no eler- phunt!" " Mind yer own business," says he, a- sawin an a-hamnierin away, " an keep de gurl busy." An when de gurl comes back wid de bar- rul I says, " Dat barrul won t do." " Why not? " she axes. " It s de same ez de udder one was." " Dat shows all yer knows about barruls," I says. " It looks de same, but it ain t de same," I says. " Ef yer ever carried coal yer d know a barrul wid three hoops don t hold ez much ez one w r id two hoops, cause it don t stretch so much." 193 The Autobiography of a Beggar " I never heard de like," says she. " Yer kin take one hoop orff." " All right," I says ; " git meh a pair ef scissors." " Scissors ! " says she. " Yes, scissors," I says, a-tryin ter gain time. " I ain t a-goin ter take de hoop orff de barrul wid meh teeth." " Sunday an Monday ! " yells she, a- peepin out ef de winder ef a suddint, " what is dat carpinter a-doin ter de fence? An dat big Newfoundlander dorg next door! Missus said ter fix de coal bin, not ter tear de fence down ! " " He s gettin boards out ef de fence ter put in de bin," I explains. " I ll board him," says she, a-takin a broom an runnin fer de door. " Hold on," I says, a-standin in her way, " yer wouldn t hit a lonely carpinter man," I says. " Let go ! " she hollers. 194 De Theft ef de Persean Cat " Oh, Mollbuzzer, come quick ! " yells Henry in de yard. An I pushes her back an shuts de door an springs fer de yard jist when Henry throwed de door ef de cateract wide open, an de Newfoundlander dorg springs in de yard, a-barkin an a-howlin an a-makin fer de cateract. An dose cats meows an meows an spits fire ez ef all de rheumatisuni an consumptshun in de world was let loose at em. An dey goes a-flyin an a-spinnin fer de top track in de cate ract. An Henry makes fer de back fence, de baskut on his arm, an his hands a-bleedin awful, so I knows de Persean cat was ourn. But de Newfoundlander dorg loses his head an seein he couldn t get one ef de cats he makes fer Henry, an he almost has him by de leg, but Henry has had more practice in fences, I reckon, den dorgs, fer he gives dat Newfoundlander de double quick wid 195 The Autobiography of a Beggar his boot across de nose an jumps inter de alley like a skeered rooster. An de gurl, a-screemin an a-yellin more en de blame cats an de Newfoundlander, slams de cateract door shut. I makes fer de fence, but de dorg shows his teeth an looks bizness out ef his eye, an dere I was atween de gurl an de Newfoundlander. " Dis is a outrage ! " screams she. " I m goin ter get de law on you ! " " Get de law on ! " I screams back, " but call de dorg orff. Ef yer does I kin git dat five-hundred-dollar Persean cat back, which I seen jump over de fence." " O Lord ! it s so ! " she says ; " missus ill be crazy. Sunday an Monday ! dat cat was de pride ef her heart, it was," an she leans her head agin de cateract like ez ef she was a-goin crazy, too. " Call de dorg orff! " I yells agin; " dat five-hundred-dollar cat ain t a-goin ter come back cause yer keeps yer eyes shut! " 196 - , r x&y De Theft ef de Persean Cat An de Newfoundlander, seein dat dose cats was come ter de ground floor ef de cate- ract agin, he makes fer em, an I springs fer de fence, an de dorg turns fer men agin an de gurl hits meh a whack wid de broom, a-hollerin : " I ll hoop yer! I ll barrul yer! I ll scis sors yer ! " An de Newfoundlander samples a yard ef meh pants, which I was erbliged ter leave wid him ; an I kites ater Henry. An I hears a meowin an a-barkin agin, an I turns an sees dose cats a-runnin right an left fer de fences an everywhere, which frightens de life out ef meh, fer I didn t know de habits ef Malteasers an Persean cats, an I thought maybe dey was ater meh. So I runs as I never hopes ter run agin ; an none too quick, neither, fer peepul was a- comin down dat alley like ter a fire, an a cop er two wid em. Henry an meh figured it out an we 197 The Autobiography of a Beggar thought it would be better ter rent a room fer de night at de Star Ef Hope an ter lay low instead ef goin back home. We stayed dere a long time, too skeered fer ter speak, but in de night Henry he wakes up ter his- self an he says : " Molbuzzer, now dat de five-hundred Per- sean cat is ourn, what will we do wid it?" " Yer don t expict ter put it in a bank," I answers, "de same ez ef it was money? De fust thing ter do is ter read de papers in de mornin an look fer a riward ! " " But I m gettin nervous bout de whole blame bizness," says he. " Well, den," says I, " maybe it ill be bet ter ter go back home an see Sam." " Yes," he says, " an Sam ill want de cat, tail an all, fer readin jist a line! " So we talked it up an down, an come to de point dat we fought it would be best ter go back home wid de blamed cat an tell 198 De Theft ef de Persean Cat Sam what happened an take his adwice. An Sam was mighty mad at first an called us traitors; but seem it might be a good bizness fer us free, he cooled orff an says he would help all he could. An sure enuff, we reads a piece in de paper de next mornin sayin fifty dollars reward an no questions axed fer de return ef de cat ter de old maid lady. " No questions ill be axed," I says ; " dey ll jist grab us an put us in jail, an dat will be all ! Who ll take de cat back? " " I ll take de cat back jist ter akomerdate yer," says Sam. " An grab de riward ter akomerdate us, too," says Henry. " Well," says Sam, " we ll di wide ; yose fellers kin each keep ten an men thirty." " That s jist plain robbery an no diwision at all," I says. " But I m takin de chances ef bein sent ter jail," says Sam. 199 The Autobiography of a Beggar " All free ef us ill go an share an share alike," I says. " Dat s right enuff," Henry says, " but I can t see how yer kin diwide fifty dollars equal at ween free peepul ! " An jist den dat Persean cat gets out ef de baskut somehow, an afore we could grab him by his long fuzzy tail he runs thru a hole in de wall an is gone out ef our sight! " Yer see what yer done by yer argufyin an yer disputin ," swears Sam. " Now none ef us gets nothinM Mollbuzzer," he says, " kin climb on de roof an watch wid a stick so ez de cat can t git away thru de chimbley, an you, Henry, kin watch de hole in de wall Here." " Git some one wid de rheumatisum," I says, " ter coax de cat back. . " Rheumatisum, yer grandma/ says Sam, him not knowin ez much about Persean cats ez meh ; " I m goin ter see a horse doc- 200 De Theft ef de Persean Cat tor what I knows^ Doc Dan not bein ter home." " What fer a horse doctor? " axes I. " I knows what I m about," says Sam, an he goes away, an Henry shins on top ef de roof, an I watches de hole in de wall ef de room. An Sam comes back soon an says, " It cost meh twinty cents fer catnip an fried fish what de horse doctor told meh fer ter buy ter coax de cat back." " Dat s more en I d pay fer a meal fer mehself," says I. " All right," says Sam, " but yer ain t wuth no five hundred an fifty dollars, neither." " It s strange," puts in Henry, " dat a cat should be wuth more en a man, ain t it? How does yer explain it, Sam? " " Get de cat back an I ll explain it ater- wards," says Sam. An Sam he puts de catnip an de fried 201 is *~"~" *"" The Autobiography of a Beggar fish near de hole, an ater a while de cat puts his head out thru de wall an he grabs it. " Don t kill him," I says. " Yer kin hold him," says he, a-hollerin blue blazes, " ef yer knows so much ! " So we puts de cat back in de baskut, an along night we goes ter de home ef de old maid lady an de cateract. " De cat comes back," I says ter de gurl when she comes to de door. " Ain t youse de biggest rasculs in de whole world?" she axes, gettin red in de face. " No questions axed," I says, " accordin to de riward." " Thank the Lord anyways dat it s back," she says, " fer missus is sick in bed an al most dead wid " Wid de rheumatisum? I axes. " You an yer rheumatisum," says Sam, " don t talk so much." 202 "An* Sam be puts de catnip a?f de fried fisb near de hole. De Theft ef de Persean Cat " Give meh Lady Grimalakins," says de gurl. " We didn t bring no lady ; we brung de cat back," I says. " Dat s de name ef de cat," says she ter me. " Is Persean cats named de same ez pee- pul ? " I axes. " Keep still, you fool," says Sam ; " let de gurl get de coin." " Git de fifty," I says to de gurl, " an* Lady Persean is yourn fer life; an yer kin tell de old maid lady ter put in an extree five fer a new pair ef pants dat de New foundlander dorg " An Sam he gives meh a punch in de ribs, an de gurl comes back wid de old maid lady, her glasses an her side curls an all, a-lookin whiter en de Persean cat. An she starts in ter say, what we knowed already, dat we was de greatest rasculs in de whole world, jist like ez ef we come ter steal de 203 The Autobiography of a Beggar cat instead ef takin it back, which is jisr like wimmens. An Henry says ter her, " Lady Grimal- akins " " Dat ain t her name, but de Persean cat s," I says ter him, pokin his head. " Well, den, mam," he says, " we didn t come ter learn yer pinion on polertics, but fer ter get de riward." " I ain t sure it s de Persean cat yit," says she ; " I ll take de baskut inside an ef it s Lady Grimalakins I ll send de fifty out." " No yer don t," says Sam. " I ll cut a big hole in de baskut, mam," says I, takin out meh knife, " an yer kin look in." " Fer de love ef Heaven," says she, " put dat awful knife away ; you ll kill dat cat yit, yose will ! " " Yer bring a candul," says Sam, " an we ll open de kivver ef de baskut an yer kin peep in ! " 204 De Theft ef de Persean Cat "An it won t cost yer nothin extree," pipes I, " fer takin a peep," fer sayin which Sam kicks meh shin. So dey gits a candul an 7 seen it was de Persean cat an all, an dey gives us de fifty ; which makes men think more ef cats den ef dorgs. An we was gone a bit when Sam he turns an he says, " Youse might tackle dat New foundlander dorg next an " " I guess not," says meh an Hungry Henry ter oncet. 205 VI IN WHICH LIFE IS LIFE Tellin ichy de older we gits de more trouble ice leaves behint us an de more worry we puts in front ef us. WELL,, ter git back ef mehself a piece, when Sam heard from meh how dose trai tors an rebels had changed de signs on all de houses so s it weren t safe to go nowheres, he only grinned, an went on walkin thru de town wid his nose in de air orderin dis " yeager " an dat " yeager " orff de streets de same ez ef he was de mayor, de whole council, an de fire department. I warned him agin, but swelled heads ain t got no room fer words ef savin grace. De next thing dose traitors done was ter go aroun an put deir marks on every house in de whole town. Again I tole Sam an oncet agin he grinned an said, " I m goin ter stay king er nothin ! " 206 In which Life is Life " You ll be jist plain nothin , den, Sam ," I says. " Leave de king bizness ter mek," he says, " dose fellers is goin ter git hurt, Mollbuzzer ! " An sure enuff de newspapers begins ter print pieces on how de whole town was marked up wid beggar signs, an how de perlice was neglectin deir duty, an how de mayor was no good, an how Chicago was de hobo paradise ( which I never could see rneh- self), an how it was time something was bein done. An Sam he puffs up like a feather bed when he reads it, an he orders us ter stay orff de streets fer two weeks, sayin ez he would feed us out ef de treasury; an he did feed us, but I never come so near starv- in in all ineh life. An some ef em got mad an madder at Sam a count ef his fine airs he was givin hisself, an dey skipped out an jined de traitors. 207 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Yer see what things is comin ter, Sam," I says. " Mollbuzzer, stick to yer king," was all he says, " an 7 you ll never regrit it ! " An I kin tell yer I was mighty glad I stuck, fer bout two days ater dat de cops woke up an cleaned de streets ef " yeagers," arrestin every one dey could find, an* Hungry Henry an six er seven more ef em was booked ter spend deir winter in de bridewell. Some ef em got mad an squealed ter de police about our beggar house, but Sam was too smart ter go an get caught ez easy ez dat, fer when de cops come all dey found was de newspapers on de floors. We had moved over ter Jefferson street. A new " yeager " comes in one day what was dressed swell, dat bein his game, an what could speak an write like a real gent. Also he had fine manners. When a cove would hand him a dime on de street he 208 In which Life is Life would allus say, " My dear sir, aren t you too extravagant," er, " My expectations have been more than realized by your generos ity," which sounded kind ef sarkastick, but which seemed ter keep de coves good- natured, so ef he happened ter touch de same cove twict de same day de cove didn t seem ter mind it. He called hisself Gentleman George, which made Sam jealous, ez I could see, Sam growlin ter hisself dat dere was only one gent in de place, an dat was him. " Kings don t want no gents round em," he says. I seed more trouble agin, an I warned Sam agin, but it wasn t no use, fer he said he had read all de histree books in de library an he knowed how a king ought ter do. Well, I m gettin ahead ef mehself, which shows what a long ways I got ter go an how much dere is ter write down. Sam an Gentleman George an Doctor Dan puts deir heads tergither one day, an 209 The Autobiography of a Beggar dey fixes it up atween deirselves ter have George fall orff de cars an sue de company fer damages, Doc Dan agreein ter do all de damage ater George fell, George de sum , an King Samuel de collecting I guess. I heard what was in de wind an I said ter Sam I d squeal ter de cops ef he didn t take meh in. Sam got most awful mad an he swore ef us hobos bothered him so much he d give up de king job. " See here, Moll- buzzer," he says, " what has yer got ter do wid it? yer ain t a-goin ter get hurt like George, er twist bones like Dan, er serply de brains like meh." " That s right, King Samuel," I says, sarkastick, " but I kin be witness fer de rail road ! " " Ef yer wasn t an ole friend ef mine an hadn t been a faithful subjict so long, Mollbuzzer," he says, " I d run yer out ef meh domains; but seein 7 ez yer is, yer kin come in de scheme an git one quarter ef 210 In which Life is Life meh third!" It seemed mighty little; but even a quarter ef a third is better en nothin , providin de quarter is big enuff. Sure enuff Sam and George goes out one night on de cable cars an Sam tells de con ductor ter stop, but George jumps orff ahead ef time an Sam was so feared he wouldn t git hurt dat he gives him a sly shove an a hard kick ; an George falls down on de street an rolls a summersalt an yells like a Injin. Den de car stops an everybody jumps orff to see what de trouble was. An George he stands up an den he falls down agin, swearin sornethin is broke, but he didn t know what particular part giv way. An de conductor takes de names an de addresses ef de peepul what seen de accident. Someone wants ter call de perlice an de doctor an de patrol wagon, an den George gits up an he says he feels much better, an Sam says he ll git a cab an take his friend 211 The Autobiography of a Beggar home; he was more skeered en hurt any ways, he guessed. Den de car goes on. Dat night Doctor Dan wants ter pull George s leg out ef joint, but Cripple Charlie kep yellin , " Don t yer let him do it, George. Look at nieh. Yer kin never git it back inter shape agin ; " which made Sam so mad dat he chased Charlie out ef de house an tole him ter git out ef town er he would send him where Hungry Henry an de other traitors was. I tole Sam he was a fool ter do it, an he tole me ter keep still. So all Doctor Dan could do was ter burn George s leg wid acids an put some medi cine on it, what he said would freeze all de feelin out ef it, so ef yer stuck a pin in it de leg wouldn t hurt none; an he tried a needle ter see, an George he cussed most terribul an hollered out dat he wasn t goin ter make hisself inter no human pin-cushion even ef he could ride around de town in his 212 In which Life is Life own private cable car. But Sam coaxed him inter lettin Dan put on more ef de freez- in medicine an try another needle. George seemed ter git used ter it ater a bit an not ter mind; but he thrung his cane at meh when I stuck him wid a long pin fer ter see fer mehself ef it was so. Den Doc tor Dan ties George s leg wid bandidges. In de mornin a lawyer what chases street car accidents comes aroun ter see George, an Sam takes him inter a corner an dey talks bizness, an de lawyer goes upstairs wid Sam ter see George, an he heard him holler an yell, an den he tells Sam dat dey got a clean case agin de company fer ten thousand dollars; which made me so ex cited thinkin ef meh quarter ef a third dat I couldn t beg all day, an I hung aroun de house playin " Turnover " wid George, an beggin him ter let me stick a pin in his leg, which he wouldn t do. I think we stood ter diwide ten thousand 213 The Autobiography of a Beggar dollars atween us, an Sam was figurin on buyin new clothes made ter his order an" a diamond necktie pin ter show George who was de real gent; but Cripple Charlie tipped de game orff ter de cops, an about de time dat Sam was lookin ter see de law yer come round wid de ten thousand dollars in five an ten cent pieces, a patrol wagon full ef cops drives up ter de door instead, an we all runned fer our lives, an free got ketched, includin George, who couldn t run, count ef his leg bein tied so tight wid ban- didges. Sam says ter meh aterwards, " I told yer, Mollbuzzer, I would fix him fer callin his- self Gentleman George. De bridewell ill do his manners good ; he ll have time now ter study more ef em." " I don t care what yer says agin George, Sam," I says, " but he had de finest manners ef any beggar I ever seed," which made Sam most awful mad at meh. 2U In which Life is Life Dat was de last word I heard from Sam fer almost a whole year; where he went I don t know, but he tole meh afore goin dat he would be back some day ter take care ef Cripple Charlie, which he said cost him more en four thousand dollars. Dat was de end ef Sam ez J. Pierpont Morgan fer dat winter. A beggar trust, ef I do say so fer Sam, is harder ter run en de steel trust any day, fer de cops don t bother Morgan none. Sam had J. Pier pont Morgan on de brain. Yer couldn t git it orff wid a monkey-wrench. He was allus screamin around what he could do ef he had Morgan s money an his chanctes. He used ter say ter meh, " Mollbuzzer, ef I gits de money from George s accident I m goin ter New York ter see Morgan ! " " Fer what, I d like ter know T ? " I says ter him. " Oh, jist fer nothin ," he says, lookin de king, wid his nose in de air. 215 The Autobiography of a Beggar Dat Cadger King bizness almost ruined Sam, an I was glad ater all dat de cops put a end ter, it, er he would a been a dead beg gar, sure. He kin thank Cripple Charlie fer de cure. I ain t seen no trade yit, no matter how humble, dat a swelled head won t ruin. How about yer line, Mr. Anterpolergist? 216 VII DE WORLD TRIES TER GIT EVEN -. Provin dat every time dc world turns round some must git on top an some must fall under. NOTHIN happened perticuler wid meh dat summer, cept dat I almost got blowed inter pieces an took a little trip inter de coun- tree at de freight cars expinse. " Yeagers " likes de countree in summer, cause most ef em has got de wanderin foot anyways, an* cause yer kin ginerally pick up enuff ter eat ez yer goes along, an cause it don t cost nothin ter sleep in de woods. Oh, woods, beautiful woods, de only true friend ef de poor, de honist, an de oprissed ! Dere was a feller named Loony Louis what wint wid meh inter de countree dat summer, an it was his perticular line ter make niter-glycerine, which is done by let- tin dynamite drip down thru alcohol an 217 The Autobiography of a Beggar glycerine. A bottle ef it kin blow a piece out ef de moon, ef yer kin git de stuff up dat high. Louis called de stuff " soup," an it used ter skeer de life out ef meh ter see de way he d go around keerless wid a bottle ef it in his hind pocket, Oncet it fell out an* I hollered, seein mehself fly inter ninety- seven thousand little Mollbuzzers. Sam ketched him oncet makin dat " soup in de house an he threatened ter fire Louis out, but Louis swore ef he tried ter throw him out he d break de bottle on de floor an put a end ter King Samuel an his reign, an Sam cooled down suddint an give Louis a dollar fer de bottle, an he poured it out in a hole in de ground. Louis learned how ter make de " soup " from a gang ef " yeagers " dat used ter blow de doors orff country banks, an it seemed dat it got on his mind same ez J. Pierpont Morgan got on Sam s. De funniest men in de world is dose whose heads ill only carry 218 De World Tries ter Git Even one idee at a time fer a whole year. An Loony was allus sayin , " Mollbuzzer, wid dis little glass bottle I kin blow up de world; t ink of it ! Who would ever berlieve dat a plain lookin hobo like meh could have sich power? " an 7 den he would let out a whoop ! an yell, " Up yer goes, Mollbuz- zer ! " an reach fer his hind pocket, which skeered meh so dat I almost had heart s disease afore de summer was over. We got inter a, little town in Michigan one day, tired an hungry an hot, an Louis says ter meh, " We needn t worry none, Mollbuzzer, cause I got dis little bottle, an I kin git a million fer it! " which made meh mighty afreerd dat de heat had crept under his skull an turned his mind. Along eight o clock, when de town was openin up, Loony says ter meh, " I knows a easy mark here, Mollbuzzer; come ahead," an meh not suspectin nothin went wid him. He goes inter a bank an walks 219 The Autobiography of a Beggar up to de cashier an takes out dat bottle ef " soup " an says : " Dis is niter-glycerine in meh hand an ef yer don t give meh a thousand dollars fer it quick I m goin ter crack it on de floor an it s good-by bank an you an meh ! " I don t think dat cashier was more skeered en meh. I turned de color ef de " soup " in de bottle an rneh knees shook, an I couldn t even call Loony a fool, so skeered I was. But dat cashier he keeps cool ez de glass ef de bottle, an he smiles a green smile an he says, " Meh friends, a thousand dollars is little enuff. I ll git it fer yer in less en a second," an he ducks an crawls out afore Loony knowed what happened, an I says : " Loony, I m goin . Dere s goin ter be most terribul trouble." " No, dere ain t, Mollbuzzer," he says ; " yer jist wait right here till dat cashier comes back wid de thousand, er I ll break de bottle right now ! " An I had ter wait, 220 De World Tries ter Git Even makin up meh mind dat dis was de last day dat Loony Louis an men travels tergither. De cashier comes back in a second er two, but stead ef bringin de thousand he brung de town marshal, an Loony Louis an meh seed his star an I runned fer all I was wuth, an Louis right at meh side, so skeered dat he fergot ter explode his bottle, fer which I was glad, I kin tell yer. " Mollbuzzer," pants Louis, runnin along Main street like a deer, " de marshal an de cashier an de whole blame town is at our heels ; I guess it s all up wid us ! " " Keep away from meh wid dat blamed bottle, fer de love ef Mike, Louis," I yells. " Ef yer falls down both ef us is goin up. Lay it on de ground soft." I was more skeered ef him den ef de marshal an de others. " I guess not," he answers ; " I keep de little bottle until de end. Ef dey touches meh I flings it ! " 221 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Let s split, Louis," I says, watchin his pocket where de bottle was ; " yer run one way an meh de other ! " " No, yer don t," he says, tearin along; " we sticks tergither ! " " Be careful an don t fall on a stone," I says, mighty nervous. " Yer gettin considerate," he growls. An de road kep growin stonier an ston ier, an oncet Louis stumbled an I raised a awful yell, but he got his balance agin, which made meh mighty happy fer a minute. I managed ter dodge, slip inter de open fields orff de road an flip a fence, at which I m quick, ef I do say so mehself ; an Louis tries ter foller meh, swearin hard at meh fer tryin ter give him de slip; but I never turned ter see what happened, yellin hard, " Hold de bottle wid yer hand, Louis." Den der comes a bing an a bang an a roar an a noise like ef de world was a-comin ter an end. An Loony Louis went 222 De World Tries ter Git Even over de fence on both sides, part ef him one way an part anuder. I don t think de marshal found a finger-nail when he got enuff courage ter come an look. Louis didn t die; I can t say he was killed; he jist natcherally went inter pieces. Maybe de marshal fought I carried a bottle ef dat " soup " too, fer he didn t seem so anxious ter git meh as he had been afore Louis got away from him by goin up inter de air ; anyways, he kind ef slowed down an* I got away. Dere was a awful noise in meh ears fer a whole week, an I kin hear it now widout listenin . 223 VIII LIFE GITS LIVELY In which yer kin see fer yerself dat human natcher in de countree is de same ez human natcher in de city; a hundred cents makin one dollar everywheres. WELL, Mr. Anterpolergist, it seems ter meh dat I have wrote most twenty-five dol lars wuth ef meh autobiographee already, an I ain t anywheres near de grave yit. No man knows how much he s lived until he comes ter write it out, an ef I knowed when I started I would have raised de price. S posen yer stops a-readin here, wipes de tears out ef yer eyes, reaches down in yer blue- jeans, an pays meh twelve dollars an a half in adwance? While yer thinkin bout it I don t mind tellin yer a bit ef a adwen- ture in de countree what brung meh a foot nearer de grave. Here goes ! A word bout farmers fust. Farmers, like 224 Life Gits Lively other peepul ginerally speaking is mighty uncertain, an a feller never kin tell what he s a-goin ter git, fer jist ez likely ez not yer ll git a handful ef cold victuals er a mouthful ef bulldorg s teeth, an it s a toss- up which, de odds allus bein in favor ef bull- dorgs. Yer see in de countree de wiinens is left alone more, which makes de farmers afeered ef strangers an hobos, specially ef strange hobos. It s allus best ter walk up ter a house kind ef slow an ter leave de gate open, so ez yer kin run back quick. Good clothes is never agin a man eny, an yer kin say all yer wants bout clothes not makin de man, but I knows what rags does ter a bulldorg. Ef yer ever should decide ater readin meh life, ter change from anter- polergist ter hobo, de best piece ef adwice I kin give yer is ter start out wid yer best suit. So I kin tell yer I was mighty happy de day I struck orff de main road, an found a 225 The Autobiography of a Beggar gent in swiminin an his clothes in a lonely pile on shore. I takes em out ef pity an leaves meh own rags an a note sayin : Dese clothes has seen better days. So will yourn. Yourn fer clothes, MOLLBUZZER. I looks so respectuble, de clothes fittin ez ef dey was jist waitin dere fer meh, dat I goes ter de first farmhouse I sees an tells how I missed meh train an lost meh purse, an axes ter be trusted fer a meal an a bed. " All right," says de farmer ; " yer looks strong." " I am strong," answers I, " most de time, only now an den on hot days I m subjicted ter heart disease." " Nothin like work fer heart trouble," says he, pattin his bulldorg on de back, " an it s cool ter-day. Ever work on ter a farm?" he axes. 226 Life Gits Lively " Oh, yes/ I answers, like a fool. " What doin ? " axes he. " Plowing milkin cows, an planting" I says. " Take yer coat right orff," says he, " an yer kin start milkin meh cow." " You ve got meh ter home," says I, a-puttin on a bold face ; an he goes inter de house, leavin de bulldorg by meh side, an soon he comes out wid a tin pail. " Dat s a nice clean pail," I says ; " what s it fer? " " Fer de milk, ef course," says he. " Sure, Mr. Farmer," says I, " only I pre fers a barrul." " Why fer a barrul? " says he. " Take a barrul an a small hose," I says, " an it saves time when yer has a flock ef cows." " Dere s only one in de barn now," he says, laffin . Dere was no way outen ef it, an I puts de 227 The Autobiography of a Beggar pail down an takes orff meh coat. An de farmer goes away, leavin de dorg an meh alone, ez ef us was brothers not wantin ter be seperated ; an it makes meh mad, cause I has no intenshuns ef stealin his cow. I tries an tries, an jerks an jerks, but de milk don t come. Dat cow has it in fer meh, I guess, er else en de dorg put bad luck on ter meh. " Somethin s de matter," says I when de farmer comes back, " fer de cow won t give up. It s funny, but I has allus noticed dat brown cows would never give meh deir milk. Red cows an meh was allus good friends." De farmer laffs an sits down on de stool, but de milk don t come. " Moses an Aaron ! " says he, " but dis is strange. I can t make it out." " Maybe de dorg put bad luck on ter him," I says. " No," he laffs, " de cow must be dry." " Sure," I says, " it bein so hot ter day. 228 Life Gits Lively Fill dat can wid beer an it 11 fix him all right." An de farmer laffs so I fought he d die; meh not seem de joke, but knowin as some thing was wrong. " Well," says he, " s posen we leaves dis an yer kin saw wood fer yer supper an yer lodgin ." I looks at de pile ef wood an turns pale, an I says, " Mr. Farmer, dat pile looks like six suppers an a breakfast an lodgin ter match, so s posen yer gives meh free dollars down an " " Yer a cool one," says he. " Well," I says, " yer needn t ef yer don t like. But I ll bet yer de cow an de dorg an a supper an lodgin agin ten dollars dat I kin saw all ef de wood en thirty-four minutes by de clock." " Impossible ! " says he. I takes orff meh coat an vest an throws em on de ground an shouts, " Ef I ain t 229 The Autobiography of a Beggar done in thirty-four minutes by de clock yer kin keep meh coat an vest." " How kin yer do it? " he axes. " Moses an Aaron ! it ain t possible ! " " I kin do it," I says, " by a continuerous flow of lectric fluid dat pours from meh right skyeratiker nerve inter de steel ef de saw an forms a congloumerous cirkit wid de hypnertized wood." " I never heard ef dat afore," says he ; " it must be new." " It is," I says. " I m de in wen tor." An I rubs meh right arm, pickin up de saw an droppin it lightin quick. " Meh Lord ! " I screams, " I got a lectric shock." He looks at meh an t inks an scratches his head. " Come," says I, " I ll bet the ten dollars agin de dorg an de cow an supper an lodgin fer ter-night an breakfust in de morninV 230 Life Gits Lively " You put up the ten first," says he. " I jist told yer, Mr. Farmer," says I, " dat I lost meh purse." " Den how kin yer pay meh eff yer loses? " he axes. " I ll work it out," says I. " But what fer does yer want de cow an de dorg? " he axes, pullin his long white whiskers an lookin serspicious, like farmers allus is. " I kin ride home on de cow," I says, " an keep de dorg busy a-keepin de cow on de jump. Er maybe I kin sell em both back ter you." " Go ahead," says he, laffin ; " I sees yer workin a week fer meh." " Will yer throw de house in, too? " I axes. " Does yer want meh ter put de farm an de barn in too agin yer ten dollars work? " axes he. " It might be a good idee," says I. 231 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Yer a cool one," says he. " Go on an saw." Den I grabs de saw an I sawed wid all meh might an main fer five minutes, an I kin tell yer dat I makes de fur fly. When de farmer seen what I done in dose four minutes he quits his grinnin an looks skeered. I was glad on it, fer I couldn t a-kep it up free minutes longer. Den de blade ef de saw cracks agin a nail in de wood, an I stops an yells : " Did yer see dat? " " I did," says he; " what was it? " " It was de lectric fluid," I says, " dat pours from meh right skyeratiker nerve inter de steel ef de saw an forms a con- gloumerous cirkit wid de hypnertized wood. It s beginnin agin ; I feels it comin on full force. Maybe yer d better stand back a piece." " Hold on," he says ; " maybe us had better call de bet orff; cause come ter think on it 232 =*>*>*i ^ -r-JF-r. I*- >" ^^^^^^^^^ " De lee trie fluid dat pours from meb right sky era ticker nerve." Life Gits Lively I don t need no help aroun here, an yer ain t got de ten dollars, an de cow might kill yer, an de dorg wouldn t go away from here anyways ! " " Yer ought ter have told nieh," I says, " afore I went to de pain an de trouble ef workin up de lectric fluid." " Well," says he, " yer kin have yer sup per an breakfust an lodgin free." " I am goin ter law," I says, " fer de cow an de dorg, cause I d have won de bet. An* I m goin ter print a piece in de papers dat " " Moses an Aaron ! " shouts he, " keep it out ef de papers. " I ll give yer four dollars an den yer kin ride home on de cars, stead ef on de cow, which is quicker an safer." " Good," says I, a-shakin hands ; " we ll call her square." " Don t tell meh wife," he says, givin meh de four. " I won t," I says, takin it an goin inter 233 The Autobiography of a Beggar de house fer supper. An I eats enough fer a week, not takin no chances on breakf ust. "Does yer eat by de lectric fluid?" he whispers. " Yes," says I, a-pilin in ; " it takes some time fer it ter git disconnected." An he don t say no more, only a-lookin an pullin his long white beard. After sup per he took meh inter de room where I was ter sleep, an I was glad ter see dat it was on de ground floor an handy in case ef trouble. I looks aroun , an der bein nothin ter take but de bed I starts ter get ready fer meh snooze. Den I hears someone a-knockin on de door, an I sticks meh head outer de winder an I hears someone say ter de farmer : " I was in swimmin ter-day an a hobo comes along an grabs meh clothes from de beach an " Dat was all I wants ter hear, knowin de end ef cle same old story; so afore gettin 234 Life Gits Lively ready ter make meh leap fer life an liburty I writes in big letters on a brown piece ef paper what I finds in de room an pins to de door dese lines ef po try : MR. FARMER: Just tell de cove yer saw meh, but De cove he didn t seen me saw. Yourn, MOLLBUZZER. 235 IX A DARK LADY CROSSES MEH PATH Bein de story ef how I went inter de cir cus bizness an why I give it up ter try an earn a honest living HAVIN good clothes, de next thing I done was ter f oiler de circus fer a time, cause de circus is a mighty good thing fer hobos an children. In de fust place, it kind ef makes peepul good-natchered, an in de second place, it takes de familees away from home, which gives us a chanct ter take away from home what dey leaves dere, an in de third place dere s usually somethin doin bout de circus itself ; so figurin it all up, a " yea- ger " kin do somethin wuss den ter foller in a elerphunt s footprints. It s been my obser- wation, Mr. Anterpolergist, dat dere s two sides ter everything in dis world, cept ter water, an one side is yourn an de other side is mine. 236 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path Ater joinin de circus, de first foolish thing I done was ter pay a dime ter see de Hono- luler Queen, which I was allus anxious ter see ; but I allus got ketched slip pin under de tent ef de side-show an licked most terribul. De pictshures showed de dusky queen danc- in on top ef waves ef real water, singin an* actin an swallowin swords, all ef which I was dyin ter peep at, specially de sword swallowin . It hurt me must terribul when I got inside de tent ter find dat beautiful queen not accordin ter de pictshures, but only a fat old nigger woman; an when it come ter swallowin a sword she only slipped a tin knife up her sleeve, which it don t need no queen ter do. It made meh mad ter be cheated out ef meh dime, an I yelled out, u She ain t no queen, an she didn t swaller no sword ! " a count ef yellin which dey kicked meh outside ef de tent an stamped on meh. 237 The Autobiography of a Beggar Sich is de world ; ef a beggar gits caught playin a trick he gits wallerped most awful, but ef he ketches another feller playin tricks de other feller wallerps him. It made meh mad agin de Honoluler Queen anyways, an it made meh still madder agin de boss ef de side-show. What kind ef a game is dat ter promise de publick ter see a nigger swaller a tin knife fer a dime, an den ter have em slip de knives up deir sleeves, niggers an knives bein so cheap, anyways? De loss ef meh good dime rankled in meh bosom so I couldn t sleep, an de next day I went aroun an axed de man fer it back agin; at which he only laffed, which made meh madder still. Wouldn t it you, dear reader? An so when I seed de Honoluler Queen a-shakin her spear outside de tent fer ter coax de poor harmless farmers inside ef it, I called her a name, an she thrung dat spear at meh head an it hit meh a awful whack, which I didn t think she could do, 238 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path an which made ineh ter berlieve she was a a real queen an not a black nigger ater all. It was dat same night dat I met four hobos near de circus tents, all ef which I knowed in de city, an I was ez glad ter see eni ez ef dey all had milk an honey in deir pockets. Dey was Crutch McAllister, an Foxy Bas ket (de one an only, like de circus says), an Squint-eye, an One-armed Jake. Dey hardly knowed meh count ef de new clothes what I wore an count ef de swelled head which de Honoluler Queen give meh wid her spear. Dey took meh across de bridge, jist over de river from where de circus was playin , an we went a piece in de woods where dey had a tent. I guess dey stole it from de gypsies, which was fair enuff, de gypsies havin stole it from somebody else, maybe from de Injuns. Almost everything had ter be stoled oncet, I guess, fer ter start things goin . 239 The Autobiography of a Beggar It was Foxy s idee ter open a little circus ef our own, count ef us havin de tent, an he said we could push it along near de road what de farmers had ter take ter cross de bridge ter go over ter de circus in Williams- town. It was meh ez said ter call our show De Five Jolly Beggars, er Real Life Among de Hobos, but Foxy says dat would be no good fer a circus, count ef de farmers all knowin what beggars an hobos was, an peepul only go n ter a circus ter see what didn t grow ter home like elerphunts er tigers, fer instunce. " Now," says Foxy, " ef yer could only ketch a lion er a elerphunt." " Bulldorgs is all de wild animals what ever I wants ter know," says Squint-eye. An den Foxy says, " Ef yer can t ketch a wild anirnul we might ketch a wild man in de woods, an a wild man is jist ez good fer a circus e/z a wild animal." 240 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path " Dere ain t no more wild men, Foxy," I says. " I read it in de histree books in de public libraree." " Dat shows all de histree books knows," says Foxy, " fer wild aniniuls allus draws em round, an de circus bein near dese woods, I ll bet dere s wild men hidin round." An sure enuff, while Foxy was a-sayin dis what should come along but a nigger tramp, a great big feller, lookin pretty wild an dodgin round like ez ef he was a Zuler. Foxy was mighty skeered an he says,. " What did I tell yer, Mollbuzzer? " An de others was fer gittin up an runnin , but I toled em quick it was only a nigger tramp what I knowed, havin runned agin him in de countree. So I called de nigger tramp an I axed him ef he wouldn t stop an have a bite ter eat an a drop ter drink, which he said he would. Sure dat didn t look much like bein wild, 241 The Autobiography of a Beggar an I calls Foxy out ef de tent an 1 says ter him: " Foxy, dat would be de scheme, ter dress up dis nigger tramp an coax him inter playin de Honoluler King. De Honoluler Queen is drawin immense in de side-show ef de circus, an dere ain t nothin she does de Honoluler King can t do in a hour." " It sounds mighty good, Mollbuzzer," says Foxy, an we goes back in de tent an tells de others what our scheme was an dey all was fer it in a minute. So we showed de coon our tent inside an axed him ef he would like ter join our gang an work along wid us, an ? de coon said ez he would fust- rate, only he couldn t stay round dis part ef de countree fer long ; an when we axed him why dat was he wouldn t give us no reasons. I guessed he had runned out ef jail er stoled somethin near where we was, which I toled Foxy. " Dat s nothin agin bein a Honoluler 242 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path King, Mollbuzzer," says Foxy; "a king what won t steal an kill ain t born fer his job." De next mornin we got up early an tied de big coon up wid ropes so he couldn t git loose, an Crutch McAllister went ter town fer ter buy a pail ef red an blue paint, an also ter steal a rooster fer its feathers, which we wished ter stick in a ring round de nig ger s head, count ef de Honoluler Queen havin one. We took orff dat poor coon s clothes fust an we begun ter brush him wid de red paint like ez ef he was a wall ef a house. He was most awful mad when he waked up an seen what we was a-doin ter him. An I toled him dere was no use ter git mad, cause we was a-goin ter make him a Honoluler King fer his own good. " I don t want ter be no king er nothing" he says ; " all I wants is fer yer ter untie inch ropes an let meh git way from here." 243 The Autobiography of a Beggar " You ll be disguised, anyways," I says, " which is ez good ez gettin away from here," which seemed ter make him feel some better. But he made a most awful roar about puttin de red paint on so thick, sayin it made his skin crack ; an den we tries ter put de rooster feathers round his head, but dey won t stay on ; an Foxy Baskit says : " Dere ain t much time fer ter lose ; it 11 be time f er de show ter commence soon ; yer better jist stick dose feathers right in his head, it won t hurt him none;" but dat coon hollered like mad when he seed meh take out meh knife fer ter make little holes round his head ter put de feathers in. He said he didn t mind de holes much, but he was afeered dat de feathers might grow in an not come out. So we let dat go an tied em on wid a wire an some string. We fixed him up a skirt out ef pink tissher paper, an we made him a string ef shells ter wind round his neck, de 244 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path shells havin been stoled by Crutch from a fountain in a front yard. Dat coon was too pertickler fer a nigger altergither, anyways, an when he seen meh cut orff his pants at de knees he swore he d kill meh sure when de ropes was orff him, but I explained it was de fashun fer Hono- luler Kings ter wear deir pants short, but it didn t make de coon feel none better until I toled him we cut em orff in sich a way dat he could sew em on agin easy. What troubled us most was how ter make him a long pig-tail like de one which I seen on de head ef de Honoluler Queen, but Foxy said ater a while dat he knowed it was de style fer kings ter go baldheaded when queens wore deir hair long. " Sides," says Foxy, " ef we shaved de coon s head ez bald ez a billiard ball de feathers 11 look better an more kingy." An we took de razor out ef de coon s pocket an Foxy shaved his head, only not 245 The Autobiography of a Beggar havin eny soap an Foxy not bein a barber by trade dat nigger set up sich a yell dat we was erbliged ter let one half ef his head go, which was still more odd an kingy. Next we made de coon a spear out ef a stick an a shield out ef a barrul-top, an we toled him ef he yelled an danced all de time an played de king like he orter we d give him three per cent, ef all dat was left over from de profits an de expinses, sides a yaller shirt an a plug hat, an I don t know what else. We left Crutch an Squint-eye an One-armed Jake inside de tent ter stick a pin in de coon if he should git sleepy an fergit ter dance lively, an meh an Foxy went outside an hung up de sign, which read : COUGH UP A DIME AN SEE DE HONOLULER KING, BLACK WATKINS. DE STRONGEST MAN IN DE WURLD! DE LOUDEST SINGER! DE WILDEST DANCER! EATS SPEARS FER His DINNER. 246 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Patfi DE ONLY HONOLULER KlNG AWAY FROM HlS HOME IN DE WHOLE WURLD. Price one dime. Children one cent. De King will give each lady a handsome presint freesewvenirs which he brung wid him from his own Honoluler land. " What fer a presint kin King Watkins give de ladies, Foxy? " I axed him. " A kiss/ says Foxy ; " a handsome Hono luler kiss from his own kingy lips ;" an Foxy begins ter yell round an hit de sign wid his stick, an Squint-eye an Crutch stirred de coon up inside, an de show commenced. It skeered men cold ter see de way de dimes begins ter tumble in. An we was mad cause we didn t build a bigger tent, an Squint-eye coniin runnin out an yellin dat it might be a good idee ter pull de tent down an charge de peepul a dime fer steppin in side ef a rope, fer which Foxy called him a fool. " An de coon seemed ter like bein a king 247 The Autobiography of a Beggar ater he got used ter it, fer de peepul was all lookin at him an wonderin at him, which is agreerbul ter coons somehow, de same ez ter white men. An he made lots ef fun by wantin ter kiss de ladies in earnest fer a presint ter hisself, dey not wantin it at all, an him wantin it mighty bad, which is hu man natcher, too. But late in de aternoon King Watkins got tired ef singin an dancin , him sayin his legs an lungs was givin out an wantin ter take a nap ; but we had ter keep de show up while de dimes was rollin in, so Crutch stuck pins inter his kingy legs, an de blame coon got mad, which he had no right ter do, an he hit Crutch on de head wid de barrul- top, an Crutch grabbed him an got hisself all covered over wid red an blue paint, an de king s feathers comes orff an de crowd laffs an howls, an anuder nigger what jist give a dime ter see de Honoluler King yells out: 248 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path "Ha! Ha! Ha! Dat ain t no Honoluler King. He ain t no more a king en meh. Dat s Abraham Linkin Smith jist a plain, every-day, no-account nigger what lived over here in Rock Haven an runned away from his wife an chil ren last year." An when de Honoluler King heard dat he gave a most awful yell, an he turned white under his blue an red paint an his black skin, an he thrung his spear an his shield on de floor an tore orff his paper skirt an made a leap for the door, but I grabbed him wid Squint-eye an we thrung him down, an Crutch McAllister hit de udder nigger what made all de trouble an chased him out ef de tent. " I m a-goin ter tell his wife at Rock Haven ater I see de circus," says de nigger. " She ll Honoluler King Abraham Linkin Smith, she will. I ll git even wid yose fel lers fer hittin meh an cheatin meh out ef a dime." 249 The Autobiography of a Beggar An when de Honoluler King heard dat nigger carry on bout tellin his wife he jist laid down an cried an begged us ter let him go, sayin his wife was a most terribul woman, an dat she would kill every one ef us sure ez could be. But we was willin ter take chanctes. An King Watkins wouldn t act no more, spite ef de fact dat Crutch kep a-shovin de pins inter him ; but when I seed dat argimints was no good I tried kind words on him an I guv him two dimes an half a plug ef chewin 7 terbacker, an I told him I would watch out at de door fer his wife an dat I would let him know in time, an dat I wouldn t let no nigger woman in side de tent, which cheered him up more en de pins, an he started.de Honoluler King circus agin. I kin tell yer right here it was de best bizness ever five hobos struck at one time, fer long afore five o clock we had twenty dollars an de crowd still pilin aroun count ef de fun ef watchin 250 A Dark Lady Crosses Meli Path de Honoluler King tryin ter kiss de wimens. An- when things was goin so nice Foxy was savin outside ter nieh dat it would be a good inwestment ter buy a wagon ter haul de coon round from place ter place, so he couldn t run away, an ter give perform ances ; an he was a-goin on ter say we could save de money we made fer a time an buy a tiger er a elerphunt, an dat we could coax de coon an de tiger ter sleepin in de same wagon an actin tergither; an den ater a little more while we could buy a clown an a monkey er two an so on an so on until we had a whole circus ; an while he was givin meh his dream ef bein P. T. Barnum oncet agin, I looked up an seen a big crowd runnin double quick acrost de bridge. " What s up, Poxy? " I axed, pom tin at de crow r d. " I don t know," says he; " maybe de tiger 251 The Autobiography of a Beggar got out ef his cage. It would be a fine chanct ter swipe it an put it in de tent wid our coon." " Don t talk like a fool," I says, worried ; * a tiger ain t no muskeeter what yer kin lead round wid a string! An look at dat crowd ! I never see sich a crowd in de coun- tree afore! An see what dey re follerin . It s de Honoluler Queen, her a-shakin her spear an dancin de war dance. What 11 we do?" " What 11 we do? " says Foxy. " Let em chase de Honoluler Queen till she gits tired er dey is tired. What s it ter us? " " She s headed dis way," I says, " an de circus man is tryin ter throw a rope aroun her head. Maybe she went mad." " Maybe she grabbed de box ef coin at de door an runned orff wid it," said Foxy. " It ain t no box ef coin she s got in her hand," I says, " but a spear." An dat great big Honoluler Queen comes 252 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path on toward our tent a-swingin her spear, de circus man still tryin ter ketch her round de neck wid a rope, an de crowd behint her laughin an howlin an screaniin , an more peepul learin de circus concert an chasin de mob all de time. " Foxy," I whispers, gettin skeered, " I knows what s up now. De Honoluler Queen is jealous ef de Honoluler King, him not bein genuine, an she s comin ter kill us." " She certainly does look mad/ says Foxy. " Mollbuzzer, yer kin watch de tent a bit an " " No, Foxy," I says, " we dies er we thrives tergither." " All right," says Foxy, " but we orter let dat poor nigger know she s comin so s he kin run away afore he gits kilt fer bein a king." " No, ; I says, " we kin keep de Honoluler Queen outside, an bizness 11 be better a count ef de crowd." 253 The Autobiography of a Beggar An afore we knows what is up, er who, er what, er when, dat Honoluler Queen runs up wid her club fer our tent. " Even de Honoluler Queen herself," yells Foxy out loud an quick ez kin be, " is payin ten cents er one dime ter see de real an only lively Watkins, King ef Hono luler." But she didn t pay no dime, I m a-tellin yer; she jist reached out an grabbed Foxy by de ear an throwed him on de ground, an runned inside de tent ez ef she was de owner ef de Honoluler King an all de rest. An de circus man wid de rope wanted ter foller her, but I grabs him an he yells : " Let meh go ! De Honoluler Queen is runnin away an she ll bust meh bizness. She s de only attractshun what I got." " One dime," I says, " ter step in an see de Honoluler King." An he forks over de same dime what I give him ter see de Hono luler Queen. 254 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path An den meh an Foxy hears dat Hono- luler King a-yellin louder en ef Crutch an Squint-eye was a-makin him inter a paper fer pins, an we hears de Honoluler Queen a-screamin , " Yer lazy, good-fer-nothin ; Abraham Linkin Smith, I got yer at last. I m goin ter show yer how ter lazy orff away from yer wife ter play king an let meh play Honoluler Queen ter feed yer kids," an 1 I hears him a-beggin her ter let him go, an I raises meh voice an yells: ,.-., " Ladies an Gents, fer de oncet an only time de Honoluler King an Queen tergither under one tent ! Price of admission twinty cents, er a dime fer each ! Up an be quick, fer it 11 only last fer a little while! De Honoluler King an de Honoluler Queen in deir most touchin act, De Happy Honoluler Fireside at Night!" An de crowd, bein curious ter see what was up, comes along so quick wid deir twenty-cent pieces dat we didn t even have 255 The Autobiography of a Beggar time ter make change, an some ef em got in fer a dollar an some ef em got in fer nothin . Den Squint-eye an Crutch McAllister an One-armed Jake comes rurinin out ef de tent fer help, Crutch yellin : " De Honoluler Queen is got de Honoluler King on de floor an she ll club him ter death ez sure ez kin be. We can t do nothin . Come quick." " An leave all dis good money here," I says. " Not meh. Let her club. Only I hope she ain t in no hurry." An when de crowd heard what was up dey pushes an shoves so dat dey knocks de tent down an den der was de awf ullest mix- up ever I seen, us tryin ter fling out de peepul what hadn t paid ter see de King an Queen, an de peepul refusin ter git out, an de Honoluler Queen a-poundin de Hono luler King wid her spear, an de circus man a-tryin ter jerk de Honoluler Queen back 256 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path ter her tent by de arm, an de Honoluler King gettin mad at him fer takin liburties wid his wife an Queen, which was worser, an 7 he bitted de circus man acrost de head, which made de Honoluler Queen proud ef her warrior husband, an she says, " Dat s right, Abraham Linkin Smith, stand by yer wife an she ll stand by yer." An both ef em goes fer de circus man right an left, ef which I was glad cause he was de feller what beated meh out ef de dime ter see de Honoluler Queen. "Git someone ter raise up de tent an* charge a dollar," yells Foxy, dreadful ex cited. " Git er up ! " " It can t be done," yells Crutch McAllis ter. " Dat rascal ef a circus man spiled our bizness," yells One-armed Jake, " him bein jealous ef us an sickin de Honoluler Queen on de Honoluler King." An Jake cracks de circus man one wid his good arm an one 257 The Autobiography of a Beggar wid his wood arm, an de crowd pitches in ter pull em apart, an I don t know what would a happened only a crowd ef de circus peepul conies over de bridge ter help deir side out, fer it was gettin most terribul. But Crutch an Squint-eye dey keeps deir heads an keeps goin aroun tryin ter collect twenty cints from evirybody what was standin where de tent ought ter a been, fer which dey got kicked an cuffed. All I kin rimirnber now is dat when some one got orff meh chest an quit poundin meh head I looked up an seen de Honoluler King an de Honoluler Queen a-goin home arm in arm, de best friends in all de world, de same ez ef dey had niver been king er queen at all but jist plain husband an wife all deir lives. Maybe she scolded him fer cuttin orff his pants so short, which did look peculiar, but dat wasn t de poor coon s fault. An I hollers ter Foxy quick an tells him 258 A Dark Lady Crosses Meh Path what I seen, an he says, " Ater em quick, Mollbuzzer. Ater em ! We kin git both ef em ter travel aroun wid us under one tent, an 7 we kin have de best show in de countree. De Honoluler Queen is better en a tiger er a elerphunt. Stead ef dancin we kin let em fight. Ater em quick, Mollbuzzer." An I scoots ater em, Foxy jist a little bit ahint men yellin , " Coax him, Mollbuzzer, coax him ; promise him a red silk tent an a yaller banjo, an her a diamond bracelet an a yaller handkerchief." An in meh excitemint I didn t notice dat Foxy kep care ter keep ahint an coax meh ter coax dem, fer when I ketched de Hono luler King he jist grabs meh by de neck an he says, " Dere s de man what cut ineh pants orff ter de knees an painted meh red an cut holes inter meh head ter put feathers in ! " " Dat de man, is it ! " yells de Honoluler Queen, a-lookin at meh sharp, "dat s de same man what called meh names yisterday." 259 The Autobiography of a Beggar " I got a diamond tent an a yaller dia mond/ 7 I started fer ter explain, but dey wouldn t even wait ter hear what I had ter give em, but bein in a hurry he jist took all de coin what I had away from meh, sayin it was his n anyway, an fat Mrs. Honoluler Smith kep whackin dat spear aroun meh ribs an back an askin meh ef I was tick lish, which I was. De more I thinks ef de circus bizness, Mr. Anterpolergist, de more I thinks ef Mr. P. T. Barnum, fer how he could keep eler- phunts an tigers an Honoluler Queens a-goin roun de same ring an not git hurt hisself is a mysteree ter meh. Maybe he wore Injee-rubber clothes an had a peculiar kind ef skin. P.S. Mr. Anterpolergist, a circus might be a good place fer yer ter study de science ef man. Yer could work yer way from eddi- cated pigs up. 260 " De same ez ef dey bad niver been King er Queen at all. WIMENS PERSUE MEH ONCET AGIN Tellin how a interruptin woman made meh ter believe dat all we knows bout icimens is dat dey is wimcns. I LEFT de countree sooner en usual dat year count ef meh hard luck wid de Hono- luler Queen an I steered back ter de city late in de fall stead ef early in de winter. Winter an summer is sure ter come along jist when yer don t want em, de same ez de cops. It seems ter meh, too, which I wish yer could explain, dat cops an winter jines hands jist fer ter bother hobos an fer nothin else. I went over ter de Star Ef Hope ez soon ez de freight car brung meh ter town, but Sam de Scribe ner none ef meh old friends was in yet, an I was lonesome an hungry. De night was rainy an dark an cold, an I didn t feel much like huntin round fer 261 The Autobiography of a Beggar work, but dere was no way out ef it, an a hungry stomick don t ask adwice ef yer feelings, anyways. I s pose a stomick was give us ter keep us movin , same ez four legs was give ter a horse, eh? I walked over north a bit an picked meh out a corner fer ter stand on an watch fer pickings, but nothin come along, not even a cove wid a dime, an I was gettin so tired dat I fought ef huntin meh out a place ter sleep in a alley, when a big, fat lady marched up wid a satchul in her hand, a-puffin an a-blowin like ez ef de satchul was fatter en her. She gives meh a slip ef paper ter read which says, " Mr. P. G. Martin, 1009 Fern- wood Place," an she axes meh does I know where dat place is. I didn t know, never havin heard ef it, but I says, " Sure, mum, I knows. Yer walks eight blocks east an den yer turns two south, an den " "Eight blocks," hollers she; "dey tole meh it was jist a step -er two from here," 262 Wimens Pursue Meh Oiicet Agin " Ef dat s so," I says, " den take two steps an see ef yer kin see it. I ought ter know, cause meh father lived an died here, an meh grandfather has a street named ater him, an meh grandmother " " I don t care ter know yer family his- tree," interrupts she; " but where Fernwood Place is." " I jist was tellin yer," I says ; " yer walks eight blocks east an " " I can t carry dis big satchul dat far," she interrupts agin, " an " " Satchul," I says, interruptin dis time mehself ; " it looks more like a trunk." " I didn t call fer no commints," says she, " but fer de price yer would ax ter carry it fer meh ter Fernwood Place." "What s in de satchul?" I axes. " Dat s none ef yer bizness," she says, " an it don t make no differunce, any ways. " I jist wanted ter know," says I, " cause 263 The Autobiography of a Beggar ef it was glass an it broke I d be responsible ter de law." " I niver heard ef sich a thing," says she, a-lookin aroun ter see ef she could find someone else, which she couldn t. " Stranger here? " I axes. "What else does yer want ter know?" axes she. An she takes up de satchul an turns east, like I told her, which might a been right an might a been wrong, an she puffs an blows, an den she hollers fer meh ter come along. " How much will yer charge? " she axes agin. " Has yer a pencil? " I axes. " What fer a pencil? " axes she. " I wants ter kalkerlate, mum," says I. " Yer don t need no kalkerlation it ain t no kontract," she snaps. " Don t git angry, mum," I says perlitely, her bein a woman, " but ater eight o clock we charges ten cents a mile." 264 Wimens Pursue Meh Oncet Agin " An how many miles is it? " " It s free miles goin ," says I, " an four miles coniin back, cause " " I niver heard de like," interrupts she, " niver ; yer don t need ter take de satchul back, an de charge is terribul. I ll get a cab ; it s cheaper." " I ll call a cab, mum," says I ; " meh Cousin Mike " " I don t want nothin ter do wid anybody in yer fam ly," she cries. " Yer unreasonuble, mum," says I ; "is Mike ter blame ef " "Yer kin go," she interrupts agin, her bein speshul on interruptions ; " I wants no more ef yer an yer impudince." " It ain t meh ez is impudint, mum," says I, it s " " Ef yer don t go I ll call a perlice," she interrupts meh agin. " Let meh call a perlice fer yer, mum ; meh Cousin Handy " 265 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Ought ter put his fam ly in jail first," interrupts dis terribul interrupter oncet more. An I walks away cursin mehself fer bein so foolish an axin so much an losin sich an easy job, when she hollers out agin: " Say, how much will yer take ter carry de satchul dere only? " " Ten cents de whole ways," I says, " an nothin fer comin back." " Yer changes yer charges mighty quick," says she. " Well," says I, " wider ladies is half price." " I ain t no wider lady," she yells. " But yer s dressed in black," I says. " Dat s meh own bizness," she hollers ; " I didn t want yer fer ter marry meh, but ter carry de satchul." " Which is easier," I says ; " but wider ladies an ladies dressed in black it s all one half price." 266 Wimens Persue Meh Oncet Agin " Take de satchul," she says, " an 7 march ahead; I ll foller behint," "What fer behint?" axes I. "I ain t pertickler ; yer kin go ahead if yer likes. I won t charge no more." "Hurry on," says she; "yer talks more en ef it was a law-suit. An I m late now, an ef de lady is out " " Ain t yer de lady? " I axes. " Hurry long," says she. So I hurries on fast ez I could fer a block, her a-blowin an a-puffin behint meh. " Don t go so quick," she pants ; " I can t keep up wid yer." " Yer told meh ter hurry on," I says. " But not ter run," says she. So I walks on slower en a musketeer in winter, an her gettin madder en madder, but not darin ter say a word fer fear I d run agin, but finally she pipes out: " I wished I was thru wid yer, I do." " I wish yer was, mum," says I, " fer it 11 267 The Autobiography of a Beggar be past ten afore I gets home an meh wife an de chil ren 11 worry. An I ll have ter stop ter buy bread, an " " Yer fam ly ain t nothin ter meh," says she. " Hurry on. But yer needn t run, an yer needn t creep along like cold mer- lasses ! " " Merlasses ! " I shouts. " Good, mum ; I m glad yer said it ; I almost fergot dat meh wife wanted " "Go on!" she screams, " f er de love ef Heaven, go on. Yer kin write meh de his- tree ef yer family aterwards." " But I can t write, muni," I says, startin ahead, rneedjum quick. An I goes on a block er so, an den I stops ter mop meh brow. "What s wrong now?" axes she. " It weighs like iron," I says, " an I m goin ter open it ter see what s inside ef it afore I goes on." " Don t yer dare ! " she hollers. " I niver 268 Don t go so quick J she pants" Wimens Persue Meh Oncet Agin heard de like ef yer in all meh life. I ll call fer a perliee." " All right," I laffs ; " I was only a- foolin ." " Well, don t fool no more," she groans , " dis is bizness." " Awful bizness, too," I says, " a-carryin- a iron satchul eight blocks fer ten cents an nothin goin back." " I ll give yer fifteen ef yer hurries," says she. " I ll hurry," I says. An I drops de satchul agin. " What be yer droppin it fer now? " she axes. " Ter change hands," I answers. " But yer kin be gentle," she says; " you ll smash everything an " " But yer said dere was no glass in it," I says. " How 7 kin yer wife an yer chiPren live wid yer? " she says; " I don t " 269 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Well," I says, " dey changes orff, my wife goin ter her sister s some weeks an de chil ren " " I ought ter have known better," she groans, " en ter start yer on yer fam ly Ms- tree agin. What a man you is ! " " Meh wife oncet tole meh Cousin Moses " I says. " I don t care what yer wife told yer Cousin Moses," she interrupts agin. " Moses is de relig us one ef de fam ly," I says ; " it s him prays an " " Go on ; fer de luve ef Heaven, go ! " she screams, " er I ll carry de satchul meh- self." So I trots on a piece, not wantin ter lose de job, an den I stops an laff s. " At what is yer laffin ? " axes she, bein curious an a woman, which I knowed. " At Moses," I says, " a-prayin so hard he lost his voice, an now he hires meh fer ter sing salms an ter say prayers; but he 270 Wimens Persue Meh Oncet Agin lost his hearin an don t know a salm from a song, an 1 " " I wish ter Heaven we was dere," she says. " Summer in Christmus, an winter in Fourth ef July ! " I screams. " What s wrong now? " she axes. " We re here now," I says, a-readin de name Fernwood Place on de lamp-post, luck bein wid meh fer oncet ; " maybe ez Moses beared yer prayer, mum, an " " Yer rascul ! " she screams. " Yer didn t know where it was an yer d a lost meh, yer would." " I did know where it was, mum," I in sists, " only, as yer knows, de world keeps a-turnin an a-turnin , an Fernwood Place is here now an ter-morrow it 11 be where Chinee is, an the next day it 11 be in " " Go long, yer rascul," she says ; an she gives meh de fifteen cents. " Don t I get anudder nickel? " I says. 271 The Autobiography of a Beggar " What fer, I d like ter know? " axes she. " Fer savin car-fare," I says, " No cars runs here," she says. " Dey does," I says, " but I f ergot." " An yer has de impudince," she hollers, " ter put meh to de trouble an worry ef walkin an den ter ax fer five cents asides? " " But I saved yer ten," I says, " an yer kin keep five ef it." " Yer villain ! yer hoodlum ! yer rascul ! " shouts she, " go long, er I ll call de per- lice." " Yer no lady at all," I answers back, " callin meh all dose names, an cheatin meh outen ef meh five cents. An asides, yer interrupted meh five times when I was talkin ter yer, which " An she walks away, not answerin meh, knowin she was in de wrong an meh in de right; an I watches her goin inter P. G. Martin s house, meh gettin madder an mad der dat she called meh de names an cheated 212 Wimens Persue Meh Oncet Agin meh outen ef de five cents. An I waits a while an den goes to de house an rings de bell, an I axes de man what conies to de door: " Please kin I see meh sister, de fat lady what jist come in wid de satchul? " An de man looks at meh sharp, an he says, " Come in," an he lets meh in de vesti- bool, an he sings out : " Jane, tell de new cook her brother is here ter see her." An de lady whose satchul I carries shouts, " Dat s funny ; de only brother what I got is in de English army." An when she comes down de stairs an sees meh, she says: " Yer villian, yer here agin? " " Ashamed ter recognize yer relatives," I says, " cause dey s poor." "Go long!" she screams; "I ll have de man call fer de patrol." " An arrest yer brother? " I says. 273 The Autobiography of a Beggar " I niver seen dat hoodlum afore ter- night," says she, " when I " " Den yer jist give meh back dat quart bottle ef whisky what I put in yer satchul, fer a prisint, afore yer left home," says I. " It s a lie," hollers she, a-gettin red in de face ; " I ain t got no whisky. I never drinks." " Oh, no," I says, " our poor old mother never cried her eyes out account ef " " Call de perlice ! " she says. " Open her satchul an see fer yerself, Mr. P. G. Martin," I says. " How did yer learn meh name? " axes he. " She tole meh," says I, " when she axed meh ter write her riferences." " It s a villianermous lie ! " howls she. " I guess yer emptied dat bottle already," says I ; " yer needn t mind gettin it." " I don t want ter keep no cook in meh 274 Wimens Persue Meh Oiicet Agin house what has sich relatives/ says de lady what Mr. P. G. Martin calls Jane. " Yer pirfectly right, inum," I says. " Asides, as yer kin see fer yerself, she in terrupts all de time." " I don t need ter stay here/ says de sat- chul lady ; " dere s other places, plinty ef em what I kin go ter. But I wants dat rascul arrested. An I wish yer d call a perlice." " I ll save yer de trouble," I says. " I ll call one mehself. Our cousins Handy an* Will is on dis beat." " Yer kin go an git yer satchul," says de lady Jane to de cook lady. " I won t have no cook wid two perlicemen cousins cornin here night an day." " It s a lie ! " she howls, " a most villian- ermous lie ! " " Don t git excited," I says, " I ll carry yer satchul back. We kin take de cars dis time." " Perlice ! " yells she. 275 The Autobiography of a Beggar "I ll go fer Handy an Will," I says; " Mr. P. G. Martin, I ll be back in a min ute." An I starts away. An dat was de last time what ever I seen dat fat interruptin lady an it s de last time what I ever wants ter see her; but I ll bet dat she wishes dat she didn t cheat a poor man outen ef his hard-earned money. Say, Mr. Anterpolergist, why don t yer study de science ef wimens stead ef de science ef man? Git wimens down ter a science, write a book on her, an de peepul will stand on deir heads ter buy em. I ll trade yer de little Hebrew book on Moses fer de fust copy. 276 XI A TALE EF A PIGTAIL Beiri de account ef how I went ter Chinee in one night an how I come home de next mornin ; ichich is quick. IT was de same night, Mr. Anterpolergist, ater I left de interrupt in lady dat I went up ter Sam Lung s Chinee restaurint fer a bowl ef chop-suey ter cheer up meh cold an lonely heart. I goes dere often count ef it s bein cheap, an count ef de Chineses bein interestin count ef deir ways, an cause de oder " yeagers " is dere often. An de fust feller I seen was meh old friend " Crutch " McAllister. He was ez glad ter see meh ez ef he never knowed meh afore, an we was new friends fer de fust time, which, I guess, is de best kind ef friends, ater all. An Crutch an meh sits down at de table an orders a cup ef hot tea an a bowl ef 277 The Autobiography of a Beggar chop-suey, an Crutch axes meh, " Mollbuz- zer, why is it dat niggers is black, an us white, an Chineses yaller? " " A sailor tole meh, Crutch," says I, " dat in Afrikee de air is black, an in Chinee, which is middle atween Afrikee an here, de air is natcherally yaller." " But why is deir speakin so differunt en ourn?" axes Crutch. "A Chinee can t understand a white man ner us can t under stand him." An I says, " Crutch, de sailor man tole meh dat we learns our langwidges from ani- muls, an animuls bein differunt in dif ferunt places de langwidges is differunt. In Chinee de animuls is mostly pigs an rats, which counts fer de squeaks in deir langwidge." " But where did de animuls learn it in de fust place? " axes he. " It comes natcheral ter animuls," I says. " I guess it s so," says he, thinkin , " but 278 A Tale ef a Pigtail why does Chineses wear deir hair in pig tails? " " De sailor tole me, Crutch," says I, " dat in Chinee dere ain t no houses like here, an dey all sleeps on de ground, an in de night a terribul wind comes along an dey ties demselves ter trees by deir pigtails so dey won t blow inter de sea, which in Chinee Is close ter de land every wheres." " A feller tole ineh oncet, Mollbuzzer," he says, " dat ef yer sticks a pin er a horse shoe nail inter a Chinee it don t hurt him none, count ef his skin bein yaller, but ef yer pulls his pigtail it hurts him more den ef yer kills a white man, which is de reason Chineses don t git deir hair cut, not bein able ter stand de pain." " I d like ter try it an see, Crutch," says I, " fer I don t berlieve it." " Ner I don t berlieve what de sailor tole yer," says he, which made meh mad, him braggin he guessed he knowed more about 279 The Autobiography of a Beggar Chineses en meh, count ef his eatin more chop-suey, an so finerly we agrees ter ax a real Chinee an find out which ef us was right. Dere was a Chinee kid what worked in de restaurint what was half white an half Chinee, his mother bein Amerikin an his father ownin de restaurint afore he died. Crutch he calls de kid an he gives him a cent an axes which was right, De kid says us was both right, so I gives him a cent, too. Den I axes him why it was Chineses names has allus a lung in it, like Hop Lung an Sam Lung, an Charlie Lung; an de Chinee kid says dat Lung is de Chinee fer Smith. Den de kid goes orff an tells de Chineses in de room what we says, cause dey laffs an laffs an squeaks, which makes meh an* Crutch mad, seein ez a Chinee ain t got no right ter laugh at a white man, us bein white an dey bein Chineses. An I says ter Crutch, " I m goin ter yank 280 A Tale ef a Pigtail de pigtail ef de big feller sittin on de end ef de table afore I goes out." "Don t do it," says he; "dey ll kill us ter death ef yer does." So I said ez I wouldn t count ef him bein afeered, but all de time I sits dere meh fingers itches fer ter grab de Chinese s pig tail an yank it ter hear an see what he would do. An all de while we sits dere more an more Chineses comes in de restau- rint until all de chairs was taken wid Chi neses. An de pigtail ef de big feller sittin on de end ef de table hangs down an seems ter say ter meh, " Come an yank meh, come an yank meh " ; like ez ef it spoke Chinee itself. An I says ter Crutch, " I got ter do it, Crutch ; I got ter do it." " Don t do no sich thing," he begs, a-turn- in pale, an he gits up ter leave de place, when he sees de big Chinee arguin wid de kid an callin him names an de kid call- 281 The Autobiography of a Beggar in him names back agin, like kids will, an de big Chinee hits de kid a hit on de ear, an de kid goes away a-cryin an a-sayin something ter hisself . An Crutch he bends over an says ter meh, " Maybe, Mollbuzzer, yer could git de kid ter pull de Chinese s pigtail fer ter git even." " Maybe I could," says I ; an I calls de kid agin, an I gives him a cent an axes him what fer de big Chinee hit him. " He s a uncle ef mine," says de kid, " an he hits meh all de time jist fer nothin . He hit meh ter-night cause bizness was bad an he hitted meh last night cause bizness was good, I guess. An I ain t a-goin ter stand it no longer ; I m goin ter run away." " Dat s right," I says ; " meh an dis gent here 11 help yer ter git away." " How kin yer do it? " axes dat kid, him bein Chinee an Amerikin an bein twict ez smart ez any other kid. 282 A Tale ef a Pigtail " Fll throw yer out ef de winder," I says, " an dis gent 11 stand on de street an ketch yer." " Not much," says de kid, an he goes away, de Chinee uncle a-callin him; but ater a while he conies back agin, an I says ter de kid, " I ll tell yer how yer kin git away from here easy. Yer pulls de big Chi nese s pigtail an meh an him " " Not much, I don t," says de kid, turnin white. " I ll do it, den," I says, " an yer kin run out ef de winder an climb down de fire- escape." " Yer kin pull it first an den we ll see aterwards," says de kid. So I goes ter de winder an flings it wide open an yells at de top ef meh lungs, an* all de Chineses cept de big feller, what was too fat an too lazy, runs to de winder ter see what is wrong, an I runs back an pulls dat fat Chinese s pigtail wid all meh might 283 The Autobiography of a Beggar an meh main, an he screamed out like a parrot in a fire. " Who s right now, Crutch ! " I yelled out, " who s right now ! " An de other Chineses runs back from de winder ter see what went wrong wid de fat Chinee, an de kid crawls along fer de fire- escape, an Crutch yells out, " Go it, kid Chinee, go it ; I got meh money on de Amer- ikin part ef yer ! " An den Mr. Crutch he climbed down de fire-escape ater de kid like ez ef he wanted ter ketch him an bring him back, an de Chineses, which ain t fools even ef deir skin is yaller, seen what was up an dey light nings out ef de doors an winders ater de kid. An I seen it was time fer meh ter be a- movin , too, but like a fool I stops ter give de fat feller s pigtail one more jerk an he yells holy fire and Jerusalem, an two Chi neses runs back an grabs meh, an afore I 284 A Tale ef a Pigtail knows what happened de whole room was filled wid Chineses what come up from Chi- neetown on de run ter see what de trouble was, fer it kind ef seems dat ef one man has trouble de rest ef de world comes ter look at him ez ef he berlonged ter a circus. I seen all dose Chineses an I said meh prayers. " What fer does yer pull his pigtail? " axes one Chinee dat speaks English. " Count ef him helpin de kid ter git away," I says. An de Chinee translated what I said ter de other Chineses an dey jabbers an yells at de fat Chinee, an he yells an jabbers back agin till I seen dere was trouble atween em an dat luck had put meh on de right track ez I learned aterwards; for de fat Chinee an de others had a fuss in de Chinee restaurint bizness an de fat feller said he was goin ter take de kid away ; fer why I don t know, ner never learned. An 285 The Autobiography of a Beggar what s de use ef learning anyways, ef yer don t care? " I seen dat fat feller, Sam Lung," I says, " give men pardner a half ef a dollar ter open de winder an let de kid out." An dey jabbers some more an de fat Chi nee whines an jabbers back agin, an a dozen ef em grabs hold ef meh, an I fought dey was a-goin ter turn meh inter a bowl ef chop-suey when a cop come along which was one ef de first times in meh life dat I was glad ter see a cop. " What s all dis trouble about? " he axes. " Only count ef a little Chinee kid," I says. " I didn t ax you," he says. " But dose Chineses can t speak English," I says. " Yer kin keep still," he says. " Now, you, what s up? " he axes ef de Chinee what speaks English. " Dis feller here," he says, " pulled Sam 286 A Tale ef a Pigtail Lung s pigtail, an his pardner runned orff wid our Chinee kid." " Why fer did yer come in here an pull dis Chinee gent s pigtail an raise a disturb- ince, I d like fer ter know? " axes de cop. An I didn t answer an he axes meh agin. " Yer tole meh ter keep still," I says. " I ll keep yer still fer a month," he says, swingin his club. " Well," I says, " I pulled his pigtail fer two reasons, de first bein count ef a dispute twixt meh pardner an meh dat ef yer pulls a Chinese s pigtail he turns green, an I wanted ter see how a green Chinee looks, an de second reason bein dat de fat Chinee give meh pardner a dollar fer ter open de winder an ter let de kid run away." " Does yer expict meh ter berlieve dat? " axes de cop. " I ll pull his pigtail an yer kin see fer yerself dat he turns green," I says, reachin out fer de fat feller s hair, an he yells an 287 The Autobiography of a Beggar squeaks, an de cop gives meh a crack wid de club. " I don t want no more ef yer nonsense," he says. " Where did dat Chinee kid go? " " Down de fire-escape," I says. " An where did he go ater dat? " axes he. " You ll have ter ax de kid," I says. " I m goin ter run yer in fer tryin ter be too fresh," says de cop, grabbin meh. " I ain t tryin ter be fresh," I says, " but I can t tell yer what I don t know." " Where did yer pardner go? " he axes. " He runned ater de Chinee kid ter bring him back here," I says. " Don t tell meh none ef yer lies," says de cop, rappin meh wid de club. " W T hat fer did yer an him kidnap de Chinee kid fer? " "We didn t kidnap no Chinee kid," I says. " What fer would we do dat? " " To git a riward," he says. " Does Chineses give riwards de same ez 288 A Tale ef a Pigtail white folks?" I axes, a-prayin dat Crutch would have enuff sense ter think ef dat. An de cop raps meh agin wid de club an says, " None ef yer blarney, now ; tell ineh where de kid an yer pardner went? " " Here dey is right now," I says, hearin de Chineses yellin an squeakin on de stairs, an Crutch McAllister a-howlin an a-yowlin . " I tole yer he runned away fer ter bring de kid back." An dose Chineses conies in de restaurint shovin an draggin Crutch in, an he looked most awful tired ef life, but he keeps up his nerve an he yells out ter de fat Chinee : " Sam Lung, set up de chop-suey an de hot tea ; I brung yer Chinee kid back." An de cop he laffs an de Chineses dey grunts an dey squeaks, an sure enuff a big Chinee feller wid a long pigtail has de little Chinee kid by de arm; an I feels sorry ter see de kid cryin an lookin so white an* skeered, an I knowed he would git it most 289 The Autobiography of a Beggar awful from Mr. Sam Lung when us an de cop was gone. De cop grabs Crutch by de arm, lettin meh go an he says, " Yer de one what kid napped de Chinee kid, eh?" " Not meh," says Crutch, " I runned ater him ter bring him back. Ax de kid hisself ef yer don t berlieve meh." " I m goin ter run yer in," says de cop, fer " " I don t care fer what yer runs meh in," says Crutch, " only run meh out ef de way ef dese Chineses, fer dey pinches most awful. I heard oncet ez Chineses has finger-nails like " " I don t care what yer heard," says de cop ; " keep still." An while de cop an Crutch was a-havin de argument about de finger-nails ef Chi neses, I leans down an whispers ter de poor little Chinee kid fer which I feels sorry : " Kid, de door is open ; git ready fer ter 290 A Tale ef a Pigtail run ; " an I up an yanks de pigtail ef de Chinee what had de kid by de arm an he yells an lets de kid go, thinkin ez it was him dat done de pullin , an de kid he flies down de stairs like a yaller streak, an I stands in de doorway so ez de Chineses can t git by an I yells, " Mr. Cop, see fer yerself ef a Chinee don t turn green when his pig tail is pulled." An de cop he laffs fust an den he makes a grab fer meh aterwards, but de Chineses blocks de way, pushin an shovin atween him an meh, a-tryin ter git out ater de Chinee kid. An Crutch he seed his chanct an he makes a break fer de dear old fire-escape oncet more, an de cop runs fer him, an I kited down de stairs ater de kid wid all dem Chineses runnin ater meh ez ef de Chinee wind what blows at night was a-carryin em along. An I didn t even stop ter blow meh nose; I m a-tellin yose I jist did plain 291 The Autobiography of a Beggar runnin an nothin more. An de best Chi nee runner was no more n a foot behint meh, an de other Chineses only a foot behint him, an so on down to de one what was de poor est runner in de lot. It must a looked like a Chinee pigtail behint meh, but I didn t turn aroun ter see, An de prize Chinee runner was a-gettin* so near meh I could feel his yaller breath on meh back, an I was a-sayin ter mehself, " Good-night an good-by," when I seed a hall door ef a buildin open, an I ducked an turned in lickety-split an slammed de door an turned de key, an den I tore up de stairs to de first floor, an dere was a winder open an I jumped thru it on ter a shed berlow an from dere on ter de ground. An when I gits down inter de yard I ll be blowed ef I didn t see de little Chinee kid a-sittin on a old broken chair an smokin a cigarette! " How come yer here? " I hollered. " Over de alley fence," he says. 292 - . - A Tale ef a Pigtail " An I come thru de winder," I says. " De fence is easier," he says, puffin his cigarette. " I didn t have no time ter choose," I says. " An yer must have a lot ef time ter spare sittin dere so easy an sniokin . Dem Chineses 11 be here in a minute." "Which way?" he axes, standin up an throwin de cigarette down. I picks it up an takes a smoke mehself an answers : " Same way ez I come thru de winder. Look! dere s one ef em a-peekin now! " An I lifted de kid on de fence an we jumps inter de alley, him runnin one way an meh anudder, an both ef us gettin away. Only poor Crutch he got nabbed by de cop an sent over fer a month. I feels sorry fer Crutch, but he had de right ter pull de fat Chinese s pigtail like I toled him, an not ter dispute meh word bout de Chi neses an deir ways, meh havin read de his- tree books. 293 XII DE CHINEE KIDAN DEHAND-OKGAN Which proves dat ef yer gits yer pay ter- day yer won t have ter sue fer it ter-morrow. DE mornin ater meh trouble along wid de Chinee kid I went over to de Star ef Hope agin, thinkin ez maybe I could meet Sam de Scribe an git his adwice about de Chinee kid, an sure enuf meh fought come true. Sam was glad ter see meh, fer he borrowed a dime in his kingy way, an he shook meh by de hand an called meh his old dear friend. " I ain t a beggar no more, Mollbuzzer," he says ter meh ater a while. " I m jist a plain substantial man ef bizness," an he hands meh a card which reads: SAMUEL SAM SAMUELS, ESQ., Streetmen s Supplies, Room 15. 1412 Canal Street. 294 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ " I m dealin in hand-organs, letter- writing beggar signs, crutches, locations, addresses, pencils, sign-writing shoe-strings, an chewin -gum," he says. " Want a partner? " I axes. " I do," he says; " how much money yer got?" "A dollar an fifteen cents," I says, countin . " Meh office boy is got dat much," says he. " Den why didn t yer borrow de dime from him? " I axes. " Cause I didn t have de heart ter leave him wid only five cents," he says. " Hm ! " I purrs sarkastic, an den I says, " Sana, I kin put a Chinee kid inter de bizness, too ; which orter be wuth thousands ef dollars." An I tells Sam de story ef de Chinee kid. " None ef dat in meh bizness," says Sam ; " dis kidnappin may be honest enuf, but it s too blamed risky fer me; ef yer hap- 295 The Autobiography of a Beggar pened ter git ketched it means hard work ferlife!" " I know/ I says, " but dis kid is only half Chinee " "Which don t make no diffrunce," he says; "an what kin yer do wid a Chinee kid anyways, Mollbuzzer? " "I don t know exactly," I says, "but maybe de Chinee govermint would give us a perlitical job." " Yer crazy," says Sam. " But maybe we kin put de kid ter good use ater all. I knows a Dago beggar here by de name ef Punchabelly what has a monkey an a hand- organ which he is anxious ter sell, count ef him goin inter de saloon bizness, and p raps we kin make a trade wid him." " But I don t want dat kid licked er hurt," I says, " fer he s de smartest kid dat ever dere was." " He kin run away ef he likes," says Sam, " ater we gits de monkey an de organ." 296 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ " Come ter t ink ef it," I says, " we might sell de kid ter J. Pierpont Morgan ! " " Shut up," says Sam. " Mr. J. P. Mor gan has somethin else on his head sides Chinee kids." " I know," I says ; " but J. P. Morgan wantin ter build a railroad in Chinee, he might " " Yer don t know no more bout bizness," says Sam, " den a Dago s hand-organ." Well, accordin ter Sam s directions, I went an got de kid where I left him, an I brung him up ter Sam s place ef bizness, an 7 I finds de Dago Punchabelly an de monkey an de hand-organ a waitin . An de Dago showed us what de monkey could do in tricks, which went one ahead ef California Cox s dorg Mike, which yer might have seed on de street. He could dance on his hind legs, an count money, an turn ^;immersets. I guess he could shove queer, too. An Sam he tried ter put up de good pints 297 The Autobiography of a Beggar ef de Chinee kid agin de good pints ef de monkey, fer ter show de Dago what a fine trade it was, which de Dago couldn t see, him wantin cash down an no kid fer his money. So finerally Sam says, " I ll tell yer, Mr. Dago, yer kin rint us de monkey fer five dollars a week, an we kin send him an de Chinee kid an Mollbuzzer out on de street wid de organ an diwide what we gits, fer it stands ter reason dat a Chinee kid an a monkey, all in one, will pull in more coin den each ef us separately considered." Which de Dago said was right. " But where do I come in? " I axes. "Yer kin dress up like a Dago," says Sam, " an carry de organ ! " " I guess not," I says; " I don t want ter be no Dago ; I m an Amerikin an I m proud ef it," which made de Dago mad, an Sam mad, too. " Y er a fool, Mollbuzzer," says Sam. 298 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ " Yer kin train de monkey ter draw de organ in a little wagon, an de kid ter drive de monkey, an all yer got ter do is ter turn de handle, which ain t no work," an Sam winks, so I knowed he had somethin up his sleeve an I didn t say no more. Den Punchabelly signs de receipt fer de monkey an de contract fer de rent, both ef which Sam writes out, an he goes orff grinnin . " Somethin is wrong, Sam," I says; " dat Dago is too easy an too quick wid his money." " Don t try ter learn meh my bizness," says Sam. " I know he stole de monkey from two other Dagos, but yer stoled de Chinee kid. I know de law ef stolen goods, but what s de law ef it can t find de goods? Fmi goin ter put de Chinee kid an de monkey in a big box an freight em on ter a friend ef mine in New York, an " " I ain t a-goin in no box wid a monkey," 299 The Autobiography of a Beggar says de Chinee kid, which I didn t know was a listenin . " It ill be very nice an warm," says Sam. " It s warm enuf outside," says de kid, which was cute. " Yer won t be axed anyways," says Sam. " Ef yer don t behave yerself, I ll take yer back ter yer Chinee uncle," which skeered de kid, an he didn t say no more. "Where do I come in on de deal?" I axed. " Oh," says Sam, " dat s you speakin , is it, Mollbuzzer? I fought maybe yer lost yer voice. Allus afreered someone might cheat yer, ain t yer? Well, yer needn t have no fears ef meh; I m goin ter New York mehself ater de kid an de monkey gits dere an I ll send yer de money regular." " But why don t yer take de kid wid yer on de train den, an ship de monkey in a box? " " Y er a fool," says Sam. " Serposing 300 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ someone sees meh at de depot wid de kid an I get pinched? An it s cheaper an it s safer ter send him by freight in a box." An I says all right, but I didn t like de idee all de same ef Sam an de coin an 1 de monkey an de kid bein in New York an meh all alone in Chicago. Den Sam he goes out ter git de box an he leaves meh an de kid an de monkey alone, an I tole de kid not ter be afreered, fer I would git him out ef de box on de way ter de depot, er maybe afore den. An I warned him not ter make no fuss, cause Sam was most terribul when he was crossed, an he might tell his Chinee uncle an git meh pinched fer kid-nappin an have meh stuck in jail. An we waited fer Sam ter git back, amusin ourselves by feedin de monkey Sam ? s shoe-strings an chewin -gum. In about a hour Sam he comes back wid a man carryin a box ez big ez a coffin, an* Sam wants ter make de man take de price ef 301 The Autobiography of a Beggar de box out in chewin -gum an shoe-strings, which he wouldn t do, an which made Sam mad. " Peepul is all alike," he says, swear- in when de man was gone, " all ef em look- in fer de best ef it, an only; carin fer de money what dey kin cheat yer out ef. It makes meh sick. But it s a nice box any ways, Mollbuzzer; yer kin see it s got little holes fer de monkey an de kid ter blow deir breath thru, an dere s one place fer de mon key an anuder fer de kid, an a place ter put in a loaf ef bread an a bottle ef water an two nails on de bottom ter stick candles in so de kid kin see when it s dark." " I know," I says, " but de kid might roll on de nails ef de car bumps." " He ll roll orff quick enuff," says Sain. " I knows what I m about." So he coaxes de kid ter git inside ef de box ter see ef he fits, an he lifts de monkey in. De monkey fits nice an tight, but de place fer de kid was a inch er two too short. 302 De Chiiiee Kid an de Hand-Organ " I fought yer knowed yer bizness, Sam," I says. " Can t yer keep still," says Sain. " De kid kin pull one leg under him ; it s only fer a day er two." " When are yer goin ter put em in? " I axes. " Right away," he says, " in time fer de next train." An he gits de cover an starts ter nail it on when de Chinee kid sets up a awful yell, an Sam rips orff de cover ter see what was wrong. " De monkey gits out ef his place an scratched meh," says de kid. " All dat fuss over a scratch," grumbles Sam. " Why don t yer scratch him back? Yer musn t make no noise er de railroad peepul ill put yer in jail." " Ship de kid an carry de monkey wid yer," I says. " I don t travel aroun wid no monkeys," says Sam. 303 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Gettin toney in yer old age," I says. " Don t bother meh," he says. " Jist git hold ef dat monkey an tie up his hind legs." " You ketch hold ef de monkey," I says, " an I ll tie up de hind legs." "You coward, you," he yells, grabbin de monkey an lettin go in a hurry. "Why didn t yer scratch him back?" I axed. " I ain t got time ter bother round," he says, tyin a rag on his hand. An finerly we grabs de monkey all ter- gither, each takin one leg an meh takin two, an we got him so twisted up in rope dat dere was more rope en monkey. Den we tries ter git him back in his place in de box, but he wouldn t fit count ef de rope. " Shove him in anyways," says Sam ; " he ll fit ater a while ; " an we jammed him in. " Better git a cocoanut ter feed de mon key on," I says. 304 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ " He ll feed on what he gits," says Sam ; " he ain t in Texas where de cocoanuts grow." " Cocoanuts don t grow in Texas," I says, " but in Chinee." " Shut up," hollers Sam ; " dis ain t no class in histree." Den he gits his hammer an he nails de cover on tight, an I axed him, " Serposin a nail went inter de kid er de monkey? " " Dey can tell us ef it did when dey gits ter New York," he says ; " dat s time enuf." Den Sam he takes his brush an paints on de box in big letters : " Glass. Eight side up. With care." " It ain t glass ; it s Chinee," I says fer a joke, but Sam he didn t see de joke, an he tells meh ter mind meh own bizness, which I done; but he orter seen de joke anyways, eh? Den Sam he says, " Mollbuzzer, yer kin stay here a bit. I got ter go an see ter some 305 The Autobiography of a Beggar bizness an git a expressman ter haul de box ter de depot," " De monkey could carry it over an save de coin," I says. " Y er a fool," says Sam, goin orff. An I locked de door when Sam was gone, an I yanked de cover orff de box wid a hammer an a chisel, an I pulled de kid an de monkey out, both ef em more dead en alive ; so I shook de Chinee kid by de shoul ders ter bring his blood ter his brain an wake him up, an I put de monkey in a pail ef cold water, which made him jump ter git out agin, so he was all right agin. Dere s nothin like knowin a bit ef medicine, fer yer never knows when it s comin in handy. Boilin hot water is still better, but dere was none handy, so I had ter take de cold, but it done ez well anyways. An I tied de rope ter de collar on de mon key s neck, an I says ter de kid, " Take dat monkey an run fer yer life ter de fisher- 306 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ man s hut by de lake, where I toled yer, an don t stop ter play none, er Sam er de Chi- neses ill git yer sure." " I don t know," says de Chinee kid, " but it s nicer in de box; I m tired ef runninV " Dat s all de thanks I git," I says. " Ef yer don t so ez I say I ll learn yer de what ef de what" So de kid an de monkey runned out an I put de door-weight an a lot ef old iron in de box an ? stuffed newspaper in, an ham mered de cover on agin. Den I lighted meh pipe an waited fer Sam ter git back. Sam come back soon wid de expressman, which he wanted ter take his pay wid a second-hand organ fer carryin de box, but which de expressman wouldn t take, him sayin de organ was no good ter him, an Sam sayin he was a fool not ter know a bargain. He had ter give de expressman a dollar, which he done wid de deepest an* de longest sigh ever I heard. 307 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Somethin hurtin yer, Sam?" I axed. " Somethin ill hurt you in a minute," he says, " unless yer grab hold ef de box an* help us carry it out ter de wagon." " Might roll it down de stairs," I says. " An yer ater it," he says, bendin down an grabbin his end. A puzzled look come over hjs 1 face, an he whispers ter meh, " Mollbuzzer, somethin is wrong ; de box weighs too heavy, it seems ter meh." " Maybe de monkey an de kid swelled up," I says real loud, so ez de expressman could hear. " Yer foolish inside yer head," yells Sam, turnin red wid madness. An when we got inter de street an was a-shovin de box onter de wagon, Sam he turns white an he yells, " Where s de let ters gone? " " Dere was no letters inside de box," I says, " but only de mon " " I ll hammer yer," he says. " Who ever 308 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ heard ef letters on de inside ef a box? I mean de letters I put on de outside < Right side up. Han " It was meh turned pale dis time, fer I seed dat in meh hurry dat I nailed de cover back de wrong way. " Y er been up teryer tricks," hollers Sam. " Maybe de kid," I says, " knowin Chinee magic, changed " " I got enuf ef yer," screams Sam, reach- in out fer meh collar-button, an I dodged an runned, fer I didn t like ter be seen fightin on de street. Sam toled meh his- self aterwards dat he had a most terribul time tryin ter git his good, round, beautiful dollar back from de expressman, which was a lesson he said ter allus git yer pay in adwance an never ter pay in adwance yer- self. Sich is de selfishness ef man. I runned a whole block, doubled down a alley, an den turned mehself around twict fer luck an come out on de street agin. An* 309 The Autobiography of a Beggar I was makin fer de fisherman s hut, hopin ter find de Chinee kid an de monkey dere, when I seen a crowd on de corner an I stopped ter see what was up. What was up was de Chinee kid pullin on de rope an de monkey up on his hind legs doin a Dago highland fling. I pushed meh way thru de crowd an jerked de kid by de ear. " Didn t I tell yer ter run on ter de fish erman s hut an not ter stop an play round none? " I axes. An a big feller in de crowd hit meh a crack an says, " What fer is yer troublin dat kid? Why don t yer hit someone yer size? " " You grow down a bit an I will," I says. An while I was a-arguin wid de man an tryin ter git hold ef de Chinee kid, an while he was tryin ter git hold ef de monkey, which got away when I pulled his ear, a whole crowd of Dagos comes along, an two 310 De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ ef em yells an jabbers, " Dere s our mon key dat was stolen from us," an dey tries ter grab de monkey away from de kid. An I held one ef em back, de biggest, fer which I m still sorry count ef de long scar over meh right eye, but de same feller what wanted ter hit meh fer hittin de -Chinee kid yells out : " I ain t a-goin ter stand by an see a monkey taken away from a kid by a Dago/ no, I ain t," fer which de other Dagos licked him, which served him right fer lickin meh. Den accordin ter de rules ef luck, ter make bad things worser, free Chineses comes along an seein de kid dey squeaks in Chinee an tries ter grab him; an de Dagos, t ink- in de Chineses wanted ter take deir mon key an de Chineses thinkin de Dagos wanted ter take deir kid, dey goes fer each other mighty lively, but de Chineses gits de worst ef it count ef deir pigtails bein in de way ; an de monkey gits away an climbs up 311 rn The Autobiography of a Beggar a telergraph pole an sits still on de top an laffs. An de crowd hollers an laffs ez ef it was a fire an deir relatives money was a-burn- in up, an a couple ef cops comes along, an one ef em ketches de Chineses an de other one ketches de Dagos, an I ketches de Chi nee kid, him try in ter pull de monkey orff de telergraph pole by de rope, which might a broke his neck. Den Samuel S. Samuels, Esq., comes along wid de Dago Punchabelly from which we rinted de monkey an de or gan, an Sam puffs out his chest an puts his nose in de air like when he was king, an he says : " Arrist em all, orficer, arrist every one ef era ; dey stole meh monkey an Chinese kid." An when de two Dagos seen Sam s friend, Punchabelly, dey gits away from de cop ter pay deir humble respects ter him fer stealin deir monkey, an de Chineses grunts an squeaks, finking de fuss was 312 come yer here ? I hollered" De Chinee Kid an de Hand-Organ over de kid. Sich a mix-up I never seen in all meh life. An dose cops lets deir clubs fly like ez ef de two ef em was twenty, an* one ef em hit meh rudely on de head, de reason fer which is a puzzle ter meh even ter-day. An de Dagos an de Chineses an meh an Sam all starts ter explain at oncet, but de cops say dat dey don t speak all lang- widges, an dey calls de patrol an puts us all in de wagon. Sam got a extree whack fer bein too perticuler an objectin ter sittin next ter de Chineses. De monkey was de only one what seen de joke, fer it laffed all de way ter jail. 313 XIII LAW AN LIES Showin why a lie is a sin in court, ef de laivyer fer de other side knows his bizness. IT must have been a kind ef a circus fer de jidge in de perlice court de next mornin when de cops brung meh an Sam an de Chineses an de kid an de monkey an de Dagos an de two interpetators inter his presence. An de fat Chinee uncle comes in ter look on. De interpetators, one ef which speaks Eyetalian an English an de other speakin Chinee an English, was fer ter mix de poor jidge up an fer nothin else ez I could see. De jidge calls one ef de Dagos on de stand fust, wantin ter save de hardest part fer de last, I s pose ; an dat Dago talks fer most a hour, shakin his head an throwin his hands over his breast an standin up an* stampin his foot, jist like a actor. 314 Law an Lies " He s talked enuf now," says de jidge ter de interpetator, " most a hour. Tell him ter stop. An yer kin transerlate what he said." " Please, yer honor," says de interpetator, " all he says was dat de monkey was hisn." " Is dat all ! " yells de jedge; " I s pose de other Dagos will take a other hour ter say de monkey is deirs. I ain t a-goin ter have no more ef dis ; it s a contimpt ef court wastin meh time dis way. Dere s too much monkey bizness bout it," he says. Den he calls Sam de Scribe on ter de stand an he axes him, " Yer speaks English, don t yer? " " Yer kin bet," says Sam, " like a native ef England. Sides I kin understand Eyetalian an Chinee, even ef I can t speak neither ef em. Chinee ain t so hard ter learn ef yer has lived in Chinee an " " Never mind bout dat," says his honor- ables, " go on ! " 315 The Autobiography of a Beggar " Please yer honor," says Sam, " de Dago interpetator lied, fer de Dago said ez de monkey wasn t hisn an he hoped ez dis court would be easy on him fer breakin de law an 7 tryin ter steal de animul from meh friend Mr. Punchabelly." " It s a lie," yells out de Dago interpe tator. " I ll fine yer twinty dollars wuth ef con- timpt ef court," says de jedge ter de inter petator, " an we ll have no more ef dis. I fought it didn t take de Dago no hour ter say only dat de monkey wasn t hisn. Now go on wid yer story," he says ter Sam, " yer seems ter be de only intellegint gent here." " I m here too, yer honor," I yells, not wantin Sam ter git de swell head ; an every body laffs cept Sain, who was mad. " Well," says Sam, " I kin tell yer de whole story in a few words. Meh Eyetalian friend Mr. Punchabelly " " Ponchielli ! Meh name no Puncha- 316 Law an* Lies belly," yells out de Dago, him bein ez per- ticuler ez a white man bout his name. " Yer kin keep still," says his honorables. " Ponchielli er Punchabelly is all one to de law." " Anyways," goes on Sam, " he buys de monkey from dose two other Dagos an pays em fifty dollars ef good Yankee Doodle money, an den dese other two Dagos goes orff an fixes it atween em ter steal de monkey back an ter git another fifty dollars fer sellin em over oncet agin." " How does yer know it," axes de jedge, " ef yer wasn t dere ter hear it? " " I knows it," says Sam, " cause dese two Dagos comes ter meh an axes meh would I take ten dollars ter swear in court dat Punchabelly " " Ponchielli," yells de Dago. " Shut up," yells de jedge. v <( Well," continoos Sam, " ter swear dat he stoled de monkey." 317 The Autobiography of a Beggar I d like ter see anybody in dis world beat Sam ez a witness fer hisself; I was mighty proud ter know him den an I yells out : " Good fer yer, Sam ! dat s de way ter tell em." " Orficer," yells his honorables, poundin on his desk, " keep dose rascals quiet." " Now," axes de jidge ter Sam, " how comes it den dat yer claims de monkey an de Chinee kid fer yer own? " " Cause," says Sam, " Mr. Punch Mr. Puncha well, Mr. Punch he sold de monkey ter meh a ter wards fer twinty dol lars, him wantin ter go in de saloon bizness an quit de monkey bizness. Yer knows, yer honor, how dese fureigners is, dey gits de swell-head ater a while an " " Never mind bout dat," says his honor ables. " What I want ter know is what re lation is de Chinee kid ter de monkey? What has dey got ter do wid each other in dis case? " 318 Law an Lies " A whole lot," says Sain, clearin his throat fer a real big one, " de Chinee kid is half Ejetalian an half Chinee, an Mr. Punch Punch bein fer short Mr. Punch- abelly here is his father, an he wanted meh ter take de kid wid de monkey, count ef dem two bein so fond ef each other dat dey would die ef dey was seperated." " It sounds kind ef funny," says de jidge. " Don t it tho ? " says Sam, mighty proud ef hisself. An den Mr. Punchabelly, havin whis pered ter de interpetator, yells out, "It ain t so ; I ain t de father ef no Chinee kid, an I ain t a-goin ter be." " What did I tell yer, yer honor? " says Sam quick, " dese fureigners all gits de swell head." Den de jidge raps his desk hard an says we was de worst lot ever he seen, an dat he was a-gettin so mixed up he didn t know de Chinee kid from de monkey, er who was de 319 The Autobiography of a Beggar father ef de kid er who was de father ef de monkey, an I feels like tellin him Sam was de father ef de monkey, but I didn t dare, more count ef de jedge den Sam. Den his honorables calls meh onter de stand an tells meh ter say all I knows bout de case an say it quick. " Please, yer honor," I says, " what si de hurry bout? " " I m a-runnin dis court," says he, " an ef I gits eny more ef yer impudince I ll sind yer ter de bridewell fer a year," which ri- mark made me ter be careful what I said. " Now den," says de jidge ter meh, " seein yer claims de Chinee kid an de monkey fer yer own, yer kin tell de court how yer come by em? " " Let meh t ink a minute," I says, wantin ter tell a bigger one en Sam. " I ll send yer where yer kin do nothin but t ink fer a year," says de jedge. " I know now," I says : " dis gent here, 320 Law an* Lies Mr. Sammy S. Samuels, Esq., brung de monkey an de Chinee kid inter meh an* says, Mr. Mollbuzzer, ef yer put dis Chi nee kid an de monkey in a box an freights em ter New York, I ll give em both ter yer when I reaches New York an gets em fer mehself. See?" " See ! I should say I don t see," says his honorables, a-holdin ef his head. " I didn t see either," I says, " so I took de kid an de monkey out ef de box, when Mr. Sammy went out fer de express man, an I puts some lumps ef iron in deir stead. An I kin prove it by bringin de box an de ex press man here." " Yer can t," yells Sam, " it s a lie ! " " Yer did too put meh in a box," y ellsde kid. " Good fer yer, kid," I yells, " allus speak de truth." " Silence ! " hollers de jedge, " er I ll go crazy an have de whole gang ef youse put in jail," which remark shows what justice is. 321 The Autobiography of a Beggar Ef de jedge goes crazy he wants ter sind de prisoners ter jail. What kind ef a world is dis, eh? " I kin stand goin ter jail ef Sammy S. Samuels kin," I says. An de jedge seems terribul mad, lookin all ef fifty dollars wuth ef contimpt ef court, which skeered meh, an den he kind ef laffs ter hisself. Den his honorables tells de kid ter tell what he knows, an de kid says ez I was his father an dat he berlongs ter meh an ter no one else, which makes de jedge feel ef his head agin, an de Chineses grunts an squeals, specially de old fat Chinee uncle; an den de Chinee interpetator yells out fer a hearin , an de jedge yells out fer silence, an when it was still agin I pipes out : " Keep quiet all ef youse an don t mix de jedge up," fer sayin which de jedge scolds meh hard, which was all de thanks I got fer try in ter help. 322 Law an Lies Den his honorables axes a Chinee ter git on de stand, tellin de Chinee interpetator ter warn him not ter take ten hours ef Chi nee time fer an Ainerikin minute. An de Chinee goes onter de stand an I leans over an whispers ter de interpetator, " Tell him ter give us none ef his Chinee lies." An when de Chinee was thru de interpe tator says dat de kid berlongs ter de Chinee restaurint company on Clark street, under- standin which de fat old uncle sets up a howl an a squeak an bergins ter cry an de jedge axes what de matter was, an den anuder Chinee what speaks English goes onter de stand an says it was all a lie, claimin dat de kid was kidnaped from his home on Clark street, an dat I was de man what done it, an dat his father bein dead dat de kid was de lergitimate son ef his fat uncle an not no son ef a restaurint; all ef which makes de poor old jedge hold his head tight wid both hands an ax : 323 The Autobiography of a Beggar " What has all dis got ter do wid de monkey? " " Dat s what I d like ter know," I says, but dere was so much noise in de room dat de jedge didn t hear meh, which maybe was lucky. Dere orter be more quiet in our Amerikin court-rooms, an not so free an* easy, eh? " I can t make head ner tails out ef dis case," says his honorables, " an de more ef youse I hears de more I gets mixedup in meh head. Dis is de most mixed up case dat was ever brung afore dis court; an de best thing I kin do, so far ez I kin see, is ter send de Chinee kid ter De Home Per Orphuns, where he will be in good inflooenze, an ter give de monkey ter de Linkin park manag- eree, where he will be proper fed an clothed. An ef any ef youse riots on de street agin er has any more quarrels atween yersilves I ll learn yer what fer, I will. Case dismissed. Next ! " he yells, ez ef he was a barber an 1 324 Law an Lies not a jidge, which ain t digneefied, like it orter be. An I says good-by ter de Chinee Ipd an gives him a cent by which ter rimember meh by, an tells him not ter feel bad cause de orphun asylum ain t near so bad ez de jail, an dat it wasn t no disgrace ter be sent dere ef yer didn t happen ter have a father an a mother alive. An de kid axes meh ter coax de jidge ter let him take de monkey along fer companee, but I toled de kid de Orphun s Home wasn t fer animuls, but fer humans, an I didn t dare ter ax de jidge fer nothin else, havin said plenty fer a little while. An when we was out in de street I says ter Sam, " We was lucky, wasn t we? " " Lucky ! " he says. " Mollbuzzer, I got de notion ter punch yer stupid head orff. I don t see where no luck comes in. We re out de kid an de monkey. Ef yer had eny sense an a-minded meh, de kid an de 386 The Autobiography of a Beggar monkey would be in New York ter-day, half yourn an half mine. Now none ef us gits nothing" he howls. " Which is lucky anyways," I says, " cause we might each a got a couple ef years apiece." 326 XIV I TAKES A TRY AT POLERTICS In ichich I says, " Noic, dear reader, fare well; be good an live happy ever aterwards." WELL, Mr. Anterpolergist, yer kin foller meh on a piece an git wise, an de further yer follers meh de wiser will yer git. I m goin ? ter let yer inter de secrit ef Anierikin polerties, an 7 yer kin learn more about em from what I m a-writin down here den out ef dat little Hebrew book bout Moses, which I wanted ter sell yer an which yer wouldn t buy from meh. I was only in polertics oncet fer a few weeks, an it happened by accident, which, dey say, is de same way prisidents ef dis United States happens, an maybe ef I kep on I might have been prisident. Who knows? However, I don t know ez ef I would take de job ef it was offered meh, cause ef I did Sam de Scribe would worry 327 The Autobiography of a Beggar de life out ef meh ter be de secretary ef de treasury, an yer knows very well den where I would come in I would come in a empty vault. An den I s pose Foxy Basket would come aroun an bother de life out ef meh ter be Chief Justice ef de Supreme court, an he wouldn t sleep until he had Sam in jail an him ahead ef de govermint s safe, an den, oncet more, where would I come in? I wouldn t git enuf fer a decent breakfast, an how would de Amerikin peepul feel ef dey knowed deir president wasn t gettin enuf ter eat, eh? Well, but de White House ain t got nothin ter do wid what I begun ter say, fer what I started out ter tell was dat I hap pened ter meet Mr. O Brien on de street one day, an he says ter meh : " Mollbuzzer, kin yer git meh free thou sand hobos fer thirty days? I knows yer is de king ef de hobos an what yer says goes wid de gang." 328 I Takes a Try at Polertics "What fer free thousand hobos?" axes I. " Fer votes," says he. " I m runnin agin Hogan fer alderman ef de ward, an I m afeerd it s goin ter be close." " Hobos is gettin scarce," says I slow, a-thinkin . " I ain t seen many of em aroun dis spring. De perlice is drivin em out." " I kin fix de perlice," he says, " ef yer kin fix de hobos. Yer see, Mollbuzzer, ac- cordin ter de lection law dey must live !n de ward fer thirty days afore dey kin regis- ture an vote. I ll feed em an beer em an lodge em in meh lodgin house, De Star Ef Hope. I kin pack em in like flies," he says. " Yer knows hobos, Mollbuzzer, dey kin sleep a-standin up, er a-holdin on ter a table by deir elbows er deir teeth." " What does I get," axes I, " fer de free thousand." " Twinty cints apiece," he says. The Autobiography of a Beggar " Hogan hisself ," says I, a-lyin , " has offered meh thirty." " But Hogan he ain t a-goin ter git ilicted," he says. " He will ef I brings him de free thou- san , each ef em trained ter vote free times," I says. O Brien t inks a minute an he says, " Well, Mollbuzzer, I ll git yer a perlitical job ter boot." " Doin what? " axes I. " Garbage inspictor ef de ward," said he. " Don t want it," says I. " It ain t good enuf fer me. I wants ter wear a star an be a detective." "De Biformers 11 howl," says he, "yer ricord is too black." " It s no blacker en yourn," says I. " Well," says he, " bring de hobos round an maybe I kin fix it up." " I ll have em round in a day er two," says I, an I calls on Hogan. 330 I Takes a Try at Polertics " Hogan," says I, " O Brien has yer beat ter a finish." " How kin dat be? " axes he. " I m gettin him free thousand hobos fer him ter vote free times." " An what is yer gettin ? " axes he. . " I gits twinty cints apiece, de garbage contract, an a detective star asides/ says I. " Yer knows what a lyin skinflint O Brien is, Mollbuzzer," says he. " Prom ises is easy." " Pay in adwance," says I. " Bring yer hobos ter men, Mollbuzzer," says he, " an I kin feed em like kings an lodge eni like queens in nieh place, De Home Ef De Peepul, fer a month. I ll give yer tin cents a vote, which means thirty cents a piece at de least an ater de iliction yer kin be perlice sergeant ef de ward fer all I cares." " Done," says I. An I hustles aroun* day an night an 331 The Autobiography of a Beggar gets dose free thousan hobos from every- wheres, Sam de Scribe an Foxy Basket a-helpin meh. An Sam an Foxy says ter meh, " Moll- buzzer, git yer hobos in line. Give em a speech an make em understand dat yer de boss ef de ward an not Hogan ner O Brien, neither. Don t be a-sendin em down one by one, er two by two ; but bring em yerself in a bunch, er Hogan ill cheat yer an give yer a merry ha ! ha ! " So I seen Sam an Foxy was right, an I gits dem hobos in a line down a long alley an I tells em ef dey don t do ez I says an* votes ez I wants dey kin starve next iliction, an dat I would run dem out ef town, meh bein boss ef de ward. "An Sam de Scribe makes free signs, which I gives to de biggest fellers ter carry. An one of dose signs reads : " VOTE FOR HOGAN AN RIFOKM"; an anuder: "VOTE FOB HOGAN AN CLEAN 332 I Takes a Try at Polertics POLERTICS"; an anuder "VOTE FOE HOGAN AN HONESTY. " An I puts de signs at de head, right be- hint two beggars what plays de fiddle, an uder what plays de accordion an anuder what plays de jew-harp, an we pushes ? em all in line, an turns inter de street, an de crowd watches on de streets an howls an laffs, sich a crowd ef hobos niver bein seen afore, an dey wonders what it means. An who should come along ez we wuz marchin on but O Brien, an he runs fer meh an he says : " What does dis mean, Mollbuzzer? " " It means Hogan," I says. " Can t yer read? Hogan an Honesty. Hogan an Ri- form. Hogan an Clean Polertics." " I m goin ter have de perlice stop dis," says he ; " it s a menunce agin public order an decency dese hobos marchin thru de streets an interferin wid de bizness ef de peepul ef meh ward. An I ll see yer in 333 The Autobiography of a Beggar jail afore noon fer disturbin de peace. Y er a lyin scoundrel, a blackguard, an 7 a word- breaker." An he shakes his big fist an runs orff. An meh seein trouble starts de line on de double quick fer Hogan s. An Hogan, someone a-tellin him what was up, conies runnin out ef De Home Ef De Peepul, an he makes fer meh, marchin proud ez kin be at de head ef de line, an he says : " Mollbuzzer, y er an idjit, y er crazy. Y er a-killin meh chanctes. De papers ill howl about dis, an de riformers ill jine hands wid O Brien an lay meh low in de dust. Fer de love ef Gawd, break dem signs an let dem hobos come inter meh place, one by one, thru de alley." " Are them hobos yourn er mine? " axes I. " It don t make no diffrunee," he says, " you do what I says." " I m perlitical boss," I says, " an I wants dese hobos ter know who is who an 334 I Takes a Try at Polertics what is what in dis ward, an who it is dat s feedin an a-carin fer em." " Yer does, does yer? " he howls; an him bein a hot-headed fool, he lands one fer meh jaw, an I dodges an runs. An Sam de Scribe an Foxy Basket, seein what was up, dey orders de musicians ter turn an make fer O Brien s; an we gives de big hobos free new signs ter carry, one reading "VOTE FOR O BRIEN, DE HOBO S FRIEND." An anuder readin , O BRIEN AN CLEAN STREETS." An anuder one ef ein readin , " VOTE FOR NO-CAR FARE O BRIEN." An de crowd seein us march thru de streets agin wid dem new signs, an not knowin what was up, dey laughs an howls an calls us names, but we goes on a-mindm* our own bizness, an a-makin fer De Star Ef Hope. An O Brien he comes drivin along wid a pertrol wagon full ef perlice jist afore we 335 The Autobiography of a Beggar reaches his lodgin house. He jumps out an shakes hands an says, " So yer changed yer mind, has yer, Mollbuzzer? " " I has," I says, " it s O Brien an riform now." " Well, de first thing ter do," he says, " is ter tear dem fool signs down ; dey looks ez ef Hogan ordered em." " Look a-here," I says, " I guess I knows what I m about. I m bossin dose hobos, an dem signs stays up an " " Orfficers," says Hogan, " do your duty," an afore I knows whats a-happened two cops grabs meh, pounds meh inter jelly, an throws meh inter de pertrol wagon by meh ear afore I has time ter tell O Brien I d git even, er afore I tells Sam an Foxy what ter do. An O Brien he tells dem hobos what he ll do fer em an how nice it 11 be in De Star Ef Hope, where dey kin stay free fer a month, no Work, only drinkin , eatin , an 336 I Takes a Try at Polertics sleeping an dey bein tired ef marchin up an down an afreerd ef de cops, dey breaks ranks, sells meh out, an marches one by one through de alley an inter O Brien s lodgin house. But Foxy Basket an Sam de Scribe dey runs fer Hogan s an tells him what has a-happened, an Hogan he turns red an he says: " I was a fool ter lose meh temper. O Brien, he s smooth, he is; but if youse kin git dem hobos back agin an fix it wid Moll- buzzer, I ll bail him out ef jail." So Hogan comes down ter de jail an pays meh fine, which was twinty dollars fer breakin de peace, an ten more fer bein a vagabond an ten more, which was fer re- sistin an officer ef de law. An Hogan says, " It 11 be a lesson ter yer, Mollbuzzer, fer de rest ef yer life ter stancf by yer friends. Now yer kin git dem hobos in meh place, De Home Ef De Peepul. An 337 The Autobiography of a Beggar dere ain t no time ter lose, de day fer reges- terin comin on fast." Well, meh an Sam an Poxy fixes up a scheme, meh layin low; an Sam an Foxy, O Brien not knowin either ef em, tendin ter business an goin ter O Brien s ter board an lodge fer deir votes. An de fust night at one o clock, Sam he jumps out ef his place under de table, an he yells, " Fire ! Fire ! " wid all his lungs. An dem hobos rolls out ef every corner ef de place, orff de tables an from under de chairs, an de floors, an de bunks, orff every - wheres but de ceilin . An dey pours inter de street, O Brien a-runnin up an down, pullin his hair an a-cussin an a-screamin . An when dey gets outside an stands round, watchin fer de fun ef seein De Star Ef Hope goin up in smoke an flame, Sam says as maybe dere was no fire an he might a made a mistake, but he guessed de place would burn down anyways, an maybe dey 338 I Takes a Try at Polertics better go back ter Hogan s, his place bein safer an de grub better. But O Brien, sniellin a rat, follered Sain an he kep an eye on him, an when he heard Sam a-sayin dey better go ter Hogan s, he makes a spring fer his neck, but Sam he runs fer his life, an O Brien ater him lickety-spin ; an all de hobos ater Sam an O Brien, a-yellin an a-screamin ter see de fun. De whole street was awake from one end ter de other wid heads, a-lookin out everywheres, an peepul askin what de mat ter was, an ef de world was a-comin ter a end. Sam gits away, bein thinner an quicker on de run, an O Brien says, " Come on back, boys, an I ll stand treat, yer kin have what yer wants," an dey all goes back, bein mad at Sam fer disturbin deir sweet slumber an gentle dreams. But Foxy Basket sticks his head in de flower barrul de next night, er he paints it 339 The Autobiography of a Beggar wid chalk I don t know what he done, but he looked white ez water, an he sits aroun de stove, keepin an eye open fer O Brien, a-mumblin an a-groanin ter hisself. "What s de matter, Foxy?" axes dey, " ain t yer a-feelin well ? " " I ain t a-feelin so bad," says he, " but Im afreerd I hate ter scare youse gents I m afreerd I got de small-pox. I seen one man wid it an " Dey never waited fer ter hear him finish, dey jist went a-rollin an tumblin an a-jumpin out ef De Star Ef Hope, hustlin thru de doors an de winders an a-yellin all de time, " Smallpox ! Smallpox ! " Sam s cry ef fire wasn t in it fer a chaser. An Foxy he jist waits till de last one was gone an den he takes a rag an wipes de white orff his face, an he grins an he laffs. O Brien, who was out a-talkin polertics ter a neighbor, ketches wind ef was up, an he jist gits back in time 340 I Takes a Try at Polertics ter see de last ef de hobos makin fer de door an ter hear em yell " Smallpox ! " An he comes inside in time ter see Foxy rubbin his face an laffin an grinnin . " Yer de guy wid de small-pox, eh? " yells he. " Hogan s brand ef it, I reckon," says he. An Foxy, he bein smart an quick ez O Brien any day, jest rubs de white on agin an looks up an says, " I guess I be." An O Brien stands a-lookin like ez if he didn t want ter believe it, an yet don t dare not ter believe it, an he says, " Well, git, an git quick." An de next day dere was a long piece in de Kepublikin papers savin ez a smallpox case was found in De Star Ef Hope an it was bein fumigumigated, an at least free thousand votes was lost fer O Brien. An de funny cove has a pictshure in, a-showin de hobos a-jumpin fer deir lives a pictshure what would make even de little dorg in de 341 The Autobiography of a Beggar corner ef it laugh. But O Brien, he don t laff none, yer kin bet. He goes aroun sayin it was a perlitical trick ef Hogan s, puttin de smallpox onter him. De nixt day I goes ter Hogan s an I says, " Well, Hogan, I brung de hobos back." " You brung em back ! " screams he. " You brung em back ! " " Sam de Scribe an Foxy Basket an meh," says I. " It s all one." " Git out ! " says he. " It was de smallpox done it." " See here, Hogan," says I, gettin mad, " is yer goin ter do de square thing? Ef yer don t I marches de hobos back ter O Brien s afore two days is over." " Blow yerself out," says he, " it was you as took em away in de fust place. Ef yer comes round here agin, I ll send yer where I found yer." I was sore on Hogan, I kin tell youse, an I makes up meh mind fer ter git even wid 342 I Takes a Try at Polertics him an square de deal wid O Brien ef I didn t make a copper er git meh detective star. So I talks it over wid Foxy an Sam, an Sam writes a note ter O Brien sayin ez we hadn t done de square thing puttin de smallpox on de Star Ef Hope, an dat we was sorry an ready ter bring de hobos back agin, Hogan bein a welcher an goin back on his perlitical word, an savin also ez we would be glad ter meet him at McQuinn s saloon an make arrangemints fer handin back dose nine thousand votes. But O Brien so I hears ater wards from someone ez heard it den goes over ter Hogan an shows him de letter an says, " Yer sees how it is, Hogan, wid dose beg gars, we don t know neither ef us where we re standin ; afore dey gits thru dey will ruin us perlitically an in de lodgin house bizness too. Dey put a fire an de smallpox onter meh, an Gawd knows what dey will do ter De Home Ef De Peepul. 343 The Autobiography of a Beggar Sides dat, Hogan," he says, " de riformers is growin stronger in de ward an dis hobo rigisterin bizness is raisin a row an a rumpus." " Well," says Hogan, " what s yer offer? " " I offers," says O Brien, " ter cut de hobos clean out ef yer will, an ter fight it out along party lines strict an square." " It s easy talkin ," says Hogan, " meh havin free thousand hobos ready ter line up at de poles a month from ter-day." " But yer kin see," says O Brien, " dat accordin ter dis letter dat we won t have em long." " Well," says Hogan, thi kin a bit, it s done"; an him an O Brien shakes hands. " But," says O Brien, " yer an meh will go ter McQuinn s, take a cop er two along, an put dem free skinflints where dey ber- longs." An one ef de hobos, a good friend ef mine, hears what s goin on an he hustles over 344 I Takes a Try at Polertics ter McQuinn s an tells meh. An I kin tell youse meh an Sain an Foxy was skeered green, fer dem free thousand hobos would have tied us onter a lamp-post an maybe done worse ef dey lost deir free keep an drinkin an eatin fer thirty days, ater learnin de joys ef it. An Foxy he finks an he finks, an jist when I gives mehself up fer lost, he says, " Mollbuzzer, what s de matter wid seein* Billy Rooney, de Riform canderdate, an de- liverin dem nine thousand votes ter him." " Good ! Elegant ! " says I, slapping him on de back. " But will he take em? " axes Sam. "What!" shouts I, "a riformer rifuse nine thousand votes, an him our old friend Billy Rooney! Git yer signs ready, Sam; an Foxy 11 be down de alley by Hogan s ter git de hobos bout de time dey is turned loose, an he kin explain how Rooney s place is de best ef all, an I ll run up ter see 345 The Autobiography of a Beggar Rooney an have him rint a loft er an empty barn er two." An Sam paints free signs lightnin quick. One which was "ROONEY AN NOBUL RIFORM." An anuder which reads, "ROONEY CLOSES DE SALOONS AT MIDNIGHT," an a third, which is "ROONEY, DE FRIEND EF DE OP- PRISSED." An Foxy an Sam gits dere jist in time when de first line ef hobos was a-huntin fer us free an he explains how things was a-standin , an dey seen de signs an calls, " Hurray fer Rooney ! " An oncet agin dat noble line ef hobos goes a-marchin down de street, wid de ac cordion an de two fiddlers an de jew-harp ahead, an de peepul pushin up ter de curbs laffin an howlin . !An Hogan an O Brien happened ter still te talkin polertics ez we come marchin down de street, an I tell youse when dey 346 I Takes a Try at Polertics seen dem signs deir four eyes stands out larger en six pawnbroker balls. An afore O Brien has time ter say, " Look ! " Hogan, bein a man ef quick tem per, yells out, " Yer a-lyin scoundrel, O Brien, yer sold men out. Yer an Rooney is playin kerhoots." An he hits him acrost de jaw, an O Brien hits him back. An Foxy runs up an says : "Dat s right, O Brien, hit him one fer meh." An Sam runs up an says, " Dat s right, Hogan, dat s right, hit him one fer meh, an a good one." An den Hogan an O Brien seen how it was an dey shakes hands an goes orff arm in arm, a-swearin dey would git even wid us. Meantime I finds Rooney in his hat-store an I says ter him, " Rooney, I ve riformed." " What does dat mean, Mollbuzzer? " he axes. 347 The Autobiography of a Beggar " I m fer you an riform, Rooney, nine thousan strong," I says. " Kin yer deliver em, Mollbuzzer? " he axes. " De r on deir way now," says I. " Come back in meh office," says he, " an we ll talk bizness." " I ain t got much time, Rooney," I says ; " I ll have ter see Hogan an O Brien afore de mornin is over." " Not at all ; not at all," he says. An we fixes de deal quick, he agreein ter board an lodge de army fer registering ter give meh tin cents a vote in case he wins, an ter riform polertics by givin Sam an Poxy an meh jobs in de ward. So I runs out ahead an meets Foxy an Sam, an we stops de music an hauls dem signs down lightnin quick, havin learned a bit about polertics by expeerience, an we marches de line ter de loft where Rooney tole meh ter go. 348 I Takes a Try at Polertics It was mighty easy sailin fer de nixt thirty days, dem hobos an us specially us livin on honey an clover; but de trouble was dat Hogan an O Brien, seein it was all over wid dem ef dey don t play roily polley tergither, dey jines hands an fixes up a deal an O Brien was ilicted. Maybe, ef it wasn t fer dat, I d be oil-inspector now in dis ward. De way it seems ter meh, Mr. Anterpoler- gist, is dat riform is all right de day afore ilection, but it ain t much de day ater. How does she strike you, eh? Say, Mr. Anterpolergist, meh autobiog- raphee is close on ter de grave now, an I wants de twenty-five dollars yer promised meh afore I writes down de account ef meh funerul, else yer will say I m dead an yer can t pay a dead man no money. Please don t come no science ef man games on meh, an don t do no anterpolergizin , but hand 349 The Autobiography of a Beggar over de coin in smilin nickels an laffin dimes. MOLLBUZZEE. P. S. How about buyin back de little Hebrew book on Moses, which I finds has de science ef wimens in it, too? THE END 350 NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR FROM THE LIST OF SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, BOSTON BY FINLAY PETER DUNNE ( MR. DOOLEY ") " Mr. Dooley must be added to the acquaintance of all who esteem good sense and good humor. He is worthy to take his place as a national satirist beside Hosea Biglow." The Academy, London. FIR. DOOLEY: IN PEACE AND IN WAR (70th thousand) " We awoke in the morning to kneel at the shrine of Dooley, and to confess that here was the man, here the very fellow, we had long been waiting for, here at last America s new humorist." MAX PEMBERTON, in The London Daily Mail. " Full of wit and humor and real philosophy which rank their pos sessor among those humorists who have really made a genuine con tribution to permanent literature." HARRY THURSTON PECK, in The Bookman. " His eloquence is a torrent, and his satire as strong and stinging as a slave-driver s whip." Pall Mall Gazette. Green cloth, decorative, 7 x 4 \ in. $1.25 FIR. DOOLEY: IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYflEN (35th thousand) " The depression that could prevail against the influence of Mr. Dooley s* ebullient drollery, gay wisdom, and rich brogue would be profound indeed, and its victim would be an altogether hopeless case." The London World. " His new book shows no falling off : his wit is as nimble as ever, his eye as quick to note incongruities, his satire as well directed and as brilliant." The Academy, London. " Mr. Dooley improves on acquaintance. His creator is a real and rare humorist." The Bookman. Blue cloth, decorative, 7 x 4^ in. $1.25 NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR BY GELETT BURGESS. VIVETTE. Or, the flemoirs of the Romance Association. Setting forth the diverting Adventures of one Richard Redforth in the very pleasant City of Millamours ; how he took Service in the Association ; how he met and wooed the gay Vivette ; how they sped their Honeymoon and played the Town ; how they spread a mad Banquet ; of them that came thereto, and the Tales they told ; of the Exploits of the principal Characters, and especially of the Disappearance of Vivette. " Mr. Burgess displays infinite zest and exhaustless resources of inven tion, and hurries his readers breathlessly along, from one astonishing and audacious situation to another, till the book is flung down at finis with a chuckle of appreciative laughter." The Literary News. Cloth, 6|x4in. $1.25 BY S. E. KISER. GEORGIE. The Sayings and Doings of his Paw, his Maw, Little Albert, and the Bull Pup. " The charm of the book is the permanent charm of all literature, according to Matthew Arnold s admirable definition. Georgie is a singularly acute and humorous interpretation of the home life led by the American who is neither too rich to be aping the English nor too poor to avoid the other extreme of Europeanism in slum or hovel. The book is worth reading as holding a mirror up to nature, and it is also worth praising because it discloses between its lines a kindly and unspoiled nature on the part of the author." Chicago Tribune. Cloth, decorative, 6f x 5! in. With ten illustrations by Ralph Bergengren. $1.00 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR BY GEORGE HORACE LORIMER LETTERS FROfl A SELF-HADE HERCHANT TO HIS SON : Being the Letters written by John Graham, head of the house of Graham & Company, pork-packers in Chicago, and familiarly known " on change" as " Old Gorgon Graham," to his son, Pierrepont, member of the Senior Class of Harvard University, and facetiously known to his fellow-students as "Piggy." (100th thousand) With 18 illustrations by F. R. Gruger and B. Martin Justice This remarkable volume brings a new author into the field of American humor, who by this single work has won a place among the very highest names in that most distinctive achieve ment in American literature. Mr. Lorimer s writing contains the essential sound philosophy which is necessary to give per manence to any humorous work, and his quaint and homely aphorisms and the keenness of his satire make every paragraph incisive and luminous. His advice is so sound, so genuine, and withal so unforgettable that no better book can be placed in the hand of a young man about to begin his struggle for existence ; and many an old man who has achieved success in life will find kindred experiences to his own in the reminiscences which are liberally intermixed with the sage counsel of the letters. " For dry, caustic humor, pithy common sense and good advice, re lieved by excellent stories capitally told, [we have] not lately read anything that nearly equals these letters." Punch (London). " The father is a philosophic symphony in pork that can write letters that stamp him as a self-made combination of Lord Chester field and Josh Billings." Judge (New York). " The wholesomest, helpfullest, jolliest book of the year." Chicago Record Herald. " There has been nothing since the wisdom of Franklin that is to be placed in the same class as this common-sense book." St. Louis Globe Democrat. 44 As humor, pure and simple, the Letters will evoke more miles to the minute than anything that has been issued as pure fun in recent years." New York Press. Cloth, gold decoration, 7^x4^ in. $1.50 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR BY OLIVER HERFORD AN ALPHABET OP CELEBRITIES. " Mr. Herford, less considerate than Dr. Holmes, always dares to be as funny as he can, and the wicked glee with which he groups per sons incongruous and antipathetic and shows them doing things im possible to them, and makes pictures of them, is a thing to shock the Gradgrinds and dismay the Chadbands. The book is printed in two colors to divert the reader s mind from the jokes, lest laughter be fatal to him." New York Times. Paper boards, 9 ^4 x 7 ^ in. With 26 illustrations by the Author. $1.50 BY JOHN B. TABB CHILD VERSE. Poems Grave and Gay Little poems, full of fancy and sweetness, for grown peo ple as well as for children. " It is pleasant to observe that Father Tabb is not afraid of the pun. He uses it very felicitously in a number of his verses. It is good to see the rehabilitation of an ancient and unfortunate friend." Har per s Weekly. Cloth, decorative, 7^ x 6^ in. $1.00 BY AGNES LEE THE ROUND RABBIT. And Other Child Verse A new holiday edition of Mrs. Lee s delightful verse, which includes a number of new poems. With illustrations by O Neill Latham. " The mother who [can read] to her young ones these cheerful, sweet, and fascinating jingles, with the pretty quaint conceits and ingenious rimes, without chuckling and forgetting her woes, will be indeed deeply dyed in cerulean." The Bookseller, Newsdealer, and Stationer. Cloth, decorative, 7^ x 6# in. Net, $1.00 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR BY HOLMAN F. DAY UP IN HAINE. Stories of Yankee Life told in Verse. Few books of verse have won popular favor so quickly as this volume, which is now in its ninth edition and selling as steadily as when first published. It is a rare combina tion of wit, humor, sense, and homely pathos. " Reading the book, one feels as though he had Maine in the phono graph." The New York Sun. " James Russell Lowell would have welcomed this delicious adjunct to The Biglow Papers." The Outlook. " So fresh, so vigorous, and so full of manly feeling that they sweep away all criticism." The Nation. " His subjects are rough diamonds. They have the inherent qualities from which great characters are developed, and out of which heroes are made." Buffalo Commercial. Cloth, decorative, six illustrations, y-J- x 4-$ in. $1.00 PINE TREE BALLADS. Rhymed Stories of Unplaced Human Natur up in flaine. Mr. Day s second book bids fair to outdo in popularity his earlier volume. The section titles, " Our Home Folks," " Songs of the Sea and Shore, "Ballads of Drive and Camp," "Just Human Nature," " Next to the Heart," " Our Good Pre varicators," and " Ballads of Capers and Actions," give an idea of the nature of the contents, which are fully equal in freshness, vigour, and manly feeling to the poems by which Mr. Day has already won an established reputa tion. " It is impossible to think of any person or class of people in America that these epical lyrics, these laughter-fetching, tear-provoking ballads will fail to please." The Chicago Record-Herald. Cloth, decorative, gilt top, illustrated, 7^x4 in. Net^ $1 .00 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR BY OLIVER HERFORD AN ALPHABET OP CELEBRITIES. " Mr. Herford, less considerate than Dr. Holmes, always dares to be as funny as he can, and the wicked glee with which he groups per sons incongruous and antipathetic and shows them doing things im possible to them, and makes pictures of them, is a thing to shock the Gradgrinds and dismay the Chadbands. The book is printed in two colors to divert the reader s mind from the jokes, lest laughter be fatal to him." New York Times. Paper boards, 9 ^4 x 7 ^ in. With 26 illustrations by the Author. $1.50 BY JOHN B. TABB CHILD VERSE. Poems Grave and Gay Little poems, full of fancy and sweetness, for grown peo ple as well as for children. " It is pleasant to observe that Father Tabb is not afraid of the pun. He uses it very felicitously in a number of his verses. It is good to see the rehabilitation of an ancient and unfortunate friend." Har per s Weekly. Cloth, decorative, 7^ x 6^4 in. $1.00 BY AGNES LEE THE ROUND RABBIT. And Other Child Verse A new holiday edition of Mrs. Lee s delightful verse, which includes a number of new poems. With illustrations by O Neill Latham. " The mother who [can read] to her young ones these cheerful, sweet, and fascinating jingles, with the pretty quaint conceits and ingenious rimes, without chuckling and forgetting her woes, will be indeed deeply dyed in cerulean." The Bookseller, Newsdealer, and Stationer. Cloth, decorative, 7^ x 6# in. Net, $1.00 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON NOTABLE BOOKS OF AMERICAN HUMOR BY HOLMAN F. DAY UP IN HAINE. Stories of Yankee Life told in Verse. Few books of verse have won popular favor so quickly as this volume, which is now in its ninth edition and selling as steadily as when first published. It is a rare combina tion of wit, humor, sense, and homely pathos. " Reading the book, one feels as though he had Maine in the phono graph." The New York Sun. " James Russell Lowell would have welcomed this delicious adjunct to The Biglow Papers." The Outlook. " So fresh, so vigorous, and so full of manly feeling that they sweep away all criticism." The Nation. " His subjects are rough diamonds. They have the inherent qualities from which great characters are developed, and out of which heroes are made." Buffalo Commercial. Cloth, decorative, six illustrations, y-J x 4$ in. $1.00 PINE TREE BALLADS. Rhymed Stories of Unplaned Human Natur up in flaine. Mr. Day s second book bids fair to outdo in popularity his earlier volume. The section titles, " Our Home Folks," " Songs of the Sea and Shore," " Ballads of Drive and Camp," "Just Human Nature," " Next to the Heart," " Our Good Pre varicators," and " Ballads of Capers and Actions," give an idea of the nature of the contents, which are fully equal in freshness, vigour, and manly feeling to the poems by which Mr. Day has already won an established reputa tion. " It is impossible to think of any person or class of people in America that these epical lyrics, these laughter-fetching, tear-provoking ballads will fail to please." The Chicago Record-Herald. Cloth, decorative, gilt top, illustrated, 7^x4 in. Net, $1 .00 SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON A STANDARD LIBRARY OF BIOGRAPHY THE BEACON BIOGRAPHIES OF EMINENT AMERICANS The aim of this series is to furnish brief, readable, and authentic accounts of the lives of those Americans whose personalities have impressed themselves most deeply on the character and history of their country. On account of the length of the more formal lives, often running into large volumes, the average busy man and woman have not the time or hardly the inclination to acquaint them selves with American biography. In the present series everything that such a reader would ordinarily care to know is given by writers of special competence, who possess in full measure the best contemporary point of view. Each volume is equipped with a photogravure portrait, an engraved title-page, a calendar of important dates, and a brief bibliography for further reading. Finally, the volumes are printed in a form convenient for reading and for carrying handily in the pocket. " They contain exactly what every intelligent American ought to know about the lives of our great men." Boston Herald. " Surprisingly complete studies, . . . admirably planned and executed." Christian Register. " Prepared as carefully as if they were so many imperial quartos, instead of being so small that they may be carried in the pocket." New York Times. " They are books of marked excellence." Chicago Inter-Ocean. " They interest vividly, and their instruction is surprisingly compre hensive." The Outlook. Price per volume, cloth, 750. net. Lambskin, $1.00 net. For list of titles see next page. SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, BOSTON THE BEACON BIOGRAPHIES OF EMINENT AMERICANS. The following relumes are issued: Louis Agassiz, br ALICE BACNZ GOCLD. John James Audubon, by JOHN BURROUGHS. Edwin Booth, by CHARLIS TOWNSIND COPKLAND. Phillips Brooks, by M. A. DxWoLrx Howx. John Brown, by JOSEPH EDGAR CHAMBXRLIN. Aaron Burr, by HKNRT CHILDI MIRWIN. James Fenimore Cooper, by W. B. SKVBRICK CLTMXI. Stephen Decatur, by CYRUS TOWWSIND BRAOT. Frederick Douglass, by CHARLXI W. CHXINUTT. Ralph Waldo Emerson, by FB^NK B. SANBORN. David G. Farragut, by JAMIS BARNIS. Ulysses S. Grant, by OWKN WISTXR. Alexander Hamilton, by JAMXS SCHOULIR. Nathaniel Hawthorne, by Mn. JAMXI T. FIXLDI. Father Hecker, by HXNRT D. SCDGWICK, Jr. Sam Houston, by SARAH BARNWKLL ELLIOTT. " Stonewall " Jackson, by CARL HOYXT. Thomas Jefferson, by THOMAS . WATSON. Robert E. Lee, by WILLIAM P. TRINT. Henry W. Longfellow, by GXORGX Ricx CAIPXNTBR. James Russell Lowell, by EDWARD EVIRITT HALX, Jr. Samuel F. B. Morse, by JOHN TROWBRIDGX. Thomas Paine, by ELLIRY SXDGWICK. Daniel Webster, by NORMAN HAPGOOD. John Greenleai Whittier, by RICHARD BURTON. Price per volume, cloth, j$c. net ; leather, $1.00 ntt. SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, Publishers. A Companion Stries to tbe Beacon Biographies THE WESTMINSTER BIOG RAPHIES of Eminent Englishmen The WESTMINSTER BIOGRAPHIES are uniform in plan, size, and general make-up with the BEACON BIOGRAPHIES, the point of important difference lying in the fact that they deal with the lives of eminent Englishmen instead of eminent Americans. They are bound in limp red cloth, are gilt-topped, and have a cover design and a vignette title- page by BERTRAM GROSVENOR GOODHUE. Like the Beacon Biograf>hiet t each volume has a frontispiece portrait, a photogravure, a calendar of dates, and a bibliography for further reading. The following volumes are issued: Robert Browning, by ARTHUR WAUG*. Daniel DefOG, by WILFRED WHITTEN. Adam Duncan (Lord Camperdown), by H. W. WILSOK. George Eliot, by CLARA THOMSON. Cardinal Newman, by A. R. WALLER. John Wesley, by FRANK BANFIELD. Price per volume, cloth, 75c. net; lambskin, $1.00 net. SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, Publih. RETURN CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT TO * 202 Main Library LOAN PERIOD 1 HOME USE 2 3 4 5 6 ALL BOOKS MAY BE RECALLED AFTER 7 DAYS Renewals and Recharges may be made 4 days prior to the due date. Books may be Renewed by calling 642-3405. DUE AS STAMPED BELOW BEC^ DEC 1 j 1V69 ICULATiON DEPT. JUN 2 1 2005 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY FORM NO. DD6 BERKELEY, CA 94720 YB 73338 U.C. BERKELEY LIBRARIES CDDbflSS134 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY