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 "AUNT RUTH," THE OLD MAID.
 
 OF 
 
 AN OLD MAID. 
 
 BY AUNT RUTH. 
 
 BELLE C. GREENE, 
 Author of "A New England Conscience? 
 
 Dedicated in grateful acknowledgment to my first literary friend, 
 through whose kind encouragement these sketches were written. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 J. S. OGILVIE, PUBLISHER. 
 57 Rose Street, New York ; Wabash Avenue, Chicag-o.
 
 F 
 
 
 Ale
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGI 
 
 /fle Old Maid goes to Boston and rides with the Coal-Man 7 
 
 The Mind Cure 15 
 
 Her Experience in Palmistry 25 
 
 Poor Aunt Betsy 34 
 
 She finds the Coal-Man 41 
 
 Writing for the Newspapers 54 
 
 She goes to " the German". 63 
 
 The Story of " Harnsome Mariar" 69 
 
 A Hotel Experience 80 
 
 The Newfangled School 88 
 
 She goes to the Dentist 99 
 
 The School of Philosophy 105 
 
 The Deacon s Wife Speaks 113 
 
 Modern Improvements 119 
 
 Mutual Life Insurance 130 
 
 High Art and Esthetics I4t 
 
 She goes West in the Sleeping-Car The Punkin-Sifter Man 156 
 
 In Chicago -....- 168
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 
 THE OLD MAID GOES TO BOSTON AND 
 RIDES WITH THE COAL-MAN. 
 
 While I was visitin my niece, she that was 
 Araminty Smith, I took a notion I d go to Bos 
 ton. It wa n t only a couple of hours ride in the 
 cars, and I had some shoppin I wanted to dew. 
 There was several things I wanted to git ; a new 
 cloak for one thing. You see, I d wore my cloak 
 goin on seven year, and mother d give me the 
 money a purpose to buy me a harnsome one. 
 Then I meant to git some little presents for the 
 children ; they don t keep much sortment in 
 Crabtown. 
 
 Wall, I didn t meet with no accidents on the 
 way, and got into town quite early in the fore 
 noon. 
 
 I thought I d buy the presents for the children 
 fust, so I went to one or two big toy-shops, where 
 I fooled away more money than I dare to tell on ; 
 though I found out my extravagance wa n t 
 nothin compared to some o them rich folks es. 
 They d hand out their fifteen or twenty dollars 
 for them toy things, and drive away in their ker- 
 ridges as carm as you please. Lawful rakes ! 
 don t it seem dowricfct wicked to throw
 
 8 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 away money so, when lots o folks are sufferin 
 for bread to eat ! 
 
 I was pretty busy till long after my usual din 
 ner time, and I begun to feel tired and faint, so I 
 looked up a place where I thought I could git a 
 comfortable meal o vittles and went in and set 
 
 ;O\vn. As long as I didn t come to Boston every 
 ay, I meant to have a nice dinner and take my 
 time eatin it, so s to git a good rest. I took up 
 the book on the table that tells what you can 
 have and how much to pay for each thing, and 
 begun to look it over. 
 
 Pretty soon up steps a tidy-lookin young girl 
 and says to me, 
 
 "What ll you have to-day, madam?" says 
 she. 
 
 "Wall, I dunno," says I, smilin ; " I hain t read 
 tfie book through yet, and hain t made up my 
 mind." 
 
 She says, "To-day is Friday, and you can have 
 any kind o fish we have biled dish, too ; biled 
 dish twenty cents," and she pinted it out to me 
 on the book. 
 
 " Lawful sakes !" says I, " dew tell if you ha~,^ 
 biled dish here ! Ketch me eatin biled dish , 
 Boston ! I can git plenty o that to home !" <. r! 
 I laughed well. 
 
 She laughed too, but I thought I wo a::;",; 
 hender her no longer, so I said, 
 
 " Wall, now you re here, I might as wd! set\> 
 onto somethin ; sposin I have a " , harlot::- 
 Riisse ?" I couldn t pronounce it, but I phite.J 
 it out to her ! 
 
 " Oh yes," said she, " but what else T
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 9 
 
 "Wall," said I, "that depends on how big a 
 "Charlotte what-ye-may-call-it is. If it s as big 
 as a biled dish, I shan t want much of anything else, 
 only a cup o tea or so." 
 
 " But, madam," said she, " Charlotte Roosh is 
 a desert dish sort of a cake ye know, and 
 ladies generally want somethin else fust at din- 
 nc"" 
 
 " Is that so ?" said I. Wall, then, give me some 
 Sobster salud I s pose that s made out o lob 
 ster, and I m awful fond of lobster; and wall, I 
 don t see it on the book but can t ye give me a 
 pertater, and a slice o cold meat to go with it, 
 for substanshul, ye know ? Them other things 
 I want ter try, jest to see what they be. Oh, and 
 give me a good strong cup o Young Hyson, 
 won t ye ? That ll rest me more n anything else." 
 
 She seemed like a real good-natered girl ; she 
 went off smilin , and it wa n t long fore she brought 
 all the things, and they was nice too, though I 
 must say I didn t think that Charlotte Roosh 
 thing was any great shakes, after all. Nothin in 
 the world but cake with custard inside on t. 
 
 But, on the whole, I had a good dinner and 
 f elt the better for t. I told the girl where I lived 
 when I was to home, and asked her to call and 
 see me if she ever come my way, and she said she 
 would. I got everything I meant to buy before 
 dinner, all but my cloak, and I thought I d go to 
 Holton and Maxey s for that. They d jest had 
 their store all repaired over, and I knew it would 
 be wuth seein . 
 
 Wall, I went in and looked round a spell down 
 stairs, then I asked a clerk to show me where I
 
 IO ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 could find a harnsome cloak. He pinted to some 
 stairs, and I went up em, and come to another 
 floor where there was a number of different 
 rooms. The fust was a bunnit room, and I got 
 quite interested seein the ladies try on bunnits ; 
 sech harnsome ones they was ! But they don t 
 let ye alone long in them stores, and pretty soon 
 a girl comes up and says to me, " Do you wish to 
 look at bunnits ?" 
 
 " No, I don t," says I. " I want to buy me a 
 cloak, if you ve got any." She pinted ahead to 
 another room and I passed on. That room was 
 full o dresses, all made. Some on em was stun- 
 nin tew. I tell ye I felt kinder out o place in my 
 clo es ; they seemed so different, somehow. 
 
 Wall, I went through a good many rooms in 
 this way, but I didn t see no signs of any cloaks, 
 and I begun to git tired and out o patience. 
 Finally, I walks up to a man and says I, 
 
 "Mister, I ve been handed round from pillar 
 to post bout long enough ; now, if there s any 
 place here where I can buy a cloak, I ll be 
 obleeged to ye if you ll show me right where 
 tis." 
 
 He pinted ahead, as all the rest had done, and 
 says he, " Fust door to the right." 
 
 I found a little room all furnished nice like a 
 parlor, and not a livin soul in it. I s posed the 
 cloak room must be nigh, but I thought I d 
 set down and rest a minute, and I declare, if 1 
 didn t drop to sleep ! And the fust thing I knew 
 a young lady was shakin me by the arm like all 
 possesst. I opened my eyes, and when I d corne 
 ro my senses a little I spoke up, and says I,
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MATD. II 
 
 " "V oung woman, don t be so rough. I didn t 
 mean to go to sleep in here ; but there ain t no 
 harm done, I guess." 
 
 "This isn t the lady s waitin -room, I d have ye 
 know," says she, short as pie-crust. 
 
 " I m glad to hear it," says I, "for I begun ter 
 think they was all waitin -rooms, and I ve waited 
 long enough. I wan ter see some cloaks now, 
 and I want you to show em to me." 
 
 So she did, and I got me a beauty, at a bargin 
 tew, but it took every cent o money I had left. 
 I didn t care as long s I had my return ticket all 
 right, and I felt as if I d spent enough for one 
 day more n what I ought ter. 
 
 When I come out o Holton and Maxey s, I 
 looked at the clock and it said quarter of five, and 
 the train left at five o clock. " No time to spare," 
 thinks I to myself. " Goodness gracious me, 
 what if I should git left ! What would become 
 o me, here all alone in this great city, without a 
 cent o money to pay for a night s lodgin ?" 
 
 I looked up street for an omnibus or car, but 
 I declare for t, if they wa n t every one on em 
 goin the wrong way ! I begun to feel narvous, I 
 tell ye. I asked a perliceman what I should dew, 
 and he said, " Wall, mum, you could take a coach." 
 But there wa n t no coaches nothin but omni 
 buses and cars, and, as I said afore, all goin the 
 wrong way. I started and run as fast as I could 
 with my arms full o bundles, jogglin in and out 
 among the crowd, sometimes on the sidewalk and 
 sometimes in the road. I kep an eye out, hopin 
 every minute that some kind of a wagon might 
 come along that would take me in.
 
 J2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Wall, I run and run, till I got somewheres 
 near the place to turn off Washin ton Street, and 
 then I inquired the way and struggled on, par.tin 
 and out o breath. Finally, when I was clean 
 beat out, and was makin up my mind to go back 
 and ask a perliceman to take me to the lobby 
 and lock me up safe for the night, I spied a man 
 on a coal-cart joggin along peaceful as could be 
 behind an old white horse, and lookin as if he 
 wa n t in any hurry if the rest o the world was. 
 
 I didn t stop to think all this then, though, 
 you d better believe, but I rushed right out inter 
 the street, front of him, as he come up, and waved 
 my bundles and swung my umbrell round like 
 mad ! 
 
 The old horse stopped short of his own accord, 
 and the man on the seat dropped his hands in his 
 lap, and opened his mouth and stared at me, but 
 he never said a word. 
 
 I clambered up onto the seat beside of him, as 
 well as I could, alone he didn t lift a finger to 
 help me and grabbed the reins and whipped up 
 the old horse into a smart gallop. 
 
 Then the man seemed to come to his senses a 
 Httle. He took the reins away from me and 
 made as if he was goin to stop. 
 
 " Old lady," says he, "you git out o this." 
 
 " Oh, no ; I can t," says I, givin the old horse 
 a crack with the whip that made her jump so that 
 we both almost fell over back ards into the cart. 
 "Oh no," says I, "I must git to the depot, and 
 you must take me there !" 
 
 I looked him right in the face an appealed 
 to his feelin s. (He was a good, honest-lookin
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 3 
 
 feller.) "Young man," said I, "have you a 
 mother ?" Then I told him my perdickerment 
 and all about it, as well as I could for the joun- 
 cin up and down, and the holdin on. You see 
 the seat wa n t nothin but a loose board laid 
 acrost the top o the cart, and I was in mortal 
 fear o my life every minute. And oh, the noise 
 we made rattlin over the stunny pavements in 
 that empty cart ! A whole Fourth o July slam- 
 bang company wouldn t a been a circumstance 
 tew it ! Howsomever, I said to him as loud s I 
 could scream, and he seemed to sense it, " I am 
 left here alone in this strange city, and if you ll get 
 me to the five-o clock train in season (it s the last 
 train I can go on) you shall be rewarded, amply 
 rewarded, young man !" It takes a good while 
 to tell this, but it all happened in less than fifteen 
 minutes ; for we drove up to the depot jest in 
 season, and not one minute tew soon nuther 
 The bell was ringin and the train was on the pint 
 o startin . 
 
 I took out my puss and wall then it all 
 come over me in a flash how I had swindled 
 that young man. 
 
 " I don t s pose you ll believe it," I gasped out, 
 " but I forgot actewally forgot that I hadn t a 
 cent o money left ! Your address your name, 
 and where do you live ? I will send the 
 money !" 
 
 He seemed stunned agin jest as he was at fust ; 
 and I, feelin that I hadn t a second to lose, run 
 for the cars, and he started after me, though 
 he hadn t spoke a word. 
 
 Jest as the conductor was haulin me up onto
 
 T4 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 the platform (for the train was s .artm ), he foui.d 
 his voice and yelled out a name, and street, and 
 number ; and I heard it as plain as I ever heard 
 anything in my life, and I sollemly meant to re 
 member it, and send him a harnsome present as 
 quick as I got home ; but the conductor spoke 
 to me ruther sharp, asked me if I vva n t ashamed 
 o myself "gittin onter the cars in that shape, and 
 runnin such resks ?" And I had ter explain tew 
 him that I was anxiuus to go on that train, for 
 certain reasons, and so ^n. T^e minute he left 
 me, I got out my pencil to writ :, down that ad 
 dress, -and as I m a livin womar I co ildn t re 
 member the fust word Ou t ! i tried and tried, 
 but it wa n t no kind o use , and I never have 
 been able ter recall it from that day to this ! 
 
 I hain t been to Boston sence, but I believe I 
 shall go a purpose to hunt up thzt poor young 
 man. I should knew hirv s^wheres the minute 
 1 set eyes ot> him
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 THE MIND CURE. 
 
 Of all the cures that ever I heard of, this ere 
 mind cure" beats the lot ! I don t hardly know 
 what to make on t ; yet I am alwers open to con 
 viction, and when I see anything good com- 
 plished by any manner o means, I am willin to 
 give it credit. The most I can say for it, and 
 the least, perhaps, is, that I shouldn t wonder if 
 the mind cure was jest like the water cure, or the 
 grape cure, or any other cure ; good in some 
 cases and for some dizeases, and crood for nothin 
 in others. 
 
 But they claim these metafysicians do, as 
 the mind-cure folks call themselves that when 
 everybody fully understands and believes their 
 doctrines, sickness and dizease will be conquered. 
 And I guess that s a safe enough thing to say ; 
 for I ve read their books faithful, and heard em 
 lectur and talk a good deal, and done my best to 
 understand em, and I ve come to the conclusion 
 that three quarters on t is sheer nonsense a jum 
 ble o words, nothin more. Some o their books 
 I dew think you might as well read back ards as 
 for ards, for all sense they make ! 
 
 And right here I m goin to stop and make a 
 plee for plain, simple talk and simple writin . 
 
 Why can t folks express themselves so "s their 
 feller mortals can understand ? Why can t they 
 remember that simplicity is one o the vartues 
 and necessit tides o life ?
 
 1 6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLJ? MAID. 
 
 Fine language is like these ere French dishes 
 at the fust-class hotels : the origins! flavor of the 
 vittles is spil t and lost in the condyments and in- 
 gregiences that they fix em up in. The conse 
 quents is, nobody with a nateral, healthy appertite 
 enjoys em. Oh, my friends, dew give us plain 
 vittles and plain English ! The majority orter 
 rule in them things as well as in polyticks, and 
 the majority sartinly dew like plain vittles and 
 plain talk ; if they don t, they orter, anyway. 
 
 But, as I was sayin , it ll proba ly be a good 
 while fore the world will fully understand and 
 dopt the doctrin s of the metafysicians, and in 
 the mean time folks will be sick bout the same a? 
 ever. Some will git well o their own accord, or 
 in the course o natur without doctors and medi 
 cine, and some 11 git well in spite o doctors and 
 medicine, if their constitootions is strong enough. 
 Others will alwers believe they owe their lives to 
 the mind cure, or some other cure feel better ter 
 dew so, you know. I guess it s well enough 
 when anybody s sick to have a doctor, or try y 
 " cure" of some kind. It s a comfort and releef 
 don t you think so ? 
 
 It s astonishin how tached folks git to theit 
 old family doctor ! Mother often says she couldn t 
 die without our Doctor Bonder ; and when he 
 went away on his trip to Californy, she declared 
 she wouldn t be sick while he was gone, for there 
 wa n t another doctor "she d have to a cat !" And 
 she kep her word, and was real smart till the day 
 after he got home. Then she was took down 
 with an awful tack o newralgy, and sent off for 
 him, post haste. But as true s you live, she was
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. I 7 
 
 so excited and pleased at the thought o seem 
 him agin, that her nevvralgy all left her fore he 
 got his horse hitched. And when he come in and 
 shook hands and asked her how she did, she told 
 him she was "right smart," and he said, how 
 " she looked as bright and harnsome as a young 
 girl." Then he begun to tell us about his travels, 
 what he see, and so on, and afterwards he stopped 
 to tea. But mother s nevvralgy didn t occur to 
 her at all, till after he d gone away ; then all to 
 once she remembered and seemed kinder cut up 
 about it. She s been sick a good many times 
 sence, but she hain t had no more nevvralgy. Wall, 
 there ! I never thought on t before, but wa n t 
 that a clear case o mind cure ? Of course it was ! 
 But now, if she d had a bile on the back of her 
 neck, I don t sp os e the doctor s visit would a 
 made much difference, do you ? I guess like 
 enough she d had ter polticed it some. 
 
 They pertend to say that there ain t no sech 
 thing in reality as pizen or any other substance 
 that 11 kill, unless you re a min ter let it. But I 
 was readin the other day about a case that oc 
 curred in one o these ere metafysician s own fam 
 ilies. One o the children swallowed a dose o 
 pizen by mistake, and what did they dew ? Same s 
 anybody else would. They give her an emetick and 
 sent off for a stummick pump ! Didn t wait to 
 try no mind cure, nor preach no filosofy ! I guess 
 they nateraily argered that it was best to be on 
 the safe side in sech a case, don t you ? 
 
 Did I ever tell you about Aunt Polly Davis s 
 experience with em ? 
 
 She d suffered for years from rheumatiz, and
 
 i8 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 finally it seemed to settle mostly into one c> her 
 legs, so she couldn t get round the house at all, 
 nor take a step without it s most killin her. But 
 Aunt Polly she s got an awful sight o grit, and 
 she wouldn t give up and be a helpless, good-for- 
 nothin creatur , even then, but insisted on tryin 
 to walk some every day, and Uncle Biar (that s 
 her husband) got her one o these ere rollin 
 chairs, so that with the help o the hired girl she 
 could go out-doors and get the fresh air. She 
 used to enjoy life more n some well folks, for she 
 \vas real good company, and wherever she went 
 there was alwers somebody ready to go along 
 with her, or set down and talk when she got 
 ready to stop. All the young folks liked her, and 
 thought it was a great treat to spend an afternoon 
 at her house. Sometimes she d let em " lay over " 
 her burow drawers and boxes, and she alwers give 
 em some trinket or other to carry home. 
 
 Yes, everybody liked her and everybody felt 
 bout as sorry for her as if she belonged to their 
 own folks ; so, naterally, when that mind-cure 
 doctor come to town and begun to create a fury, 
 they was for havin Aunt Polly try her. 
 
 Aunt Polly s sharp and keen in her intellecks 
 she s well edicated, too ; kep the deestrick school 
 for years fore she was married, and you can t 
 humbug her more n you could Mount Monad- 
 nock, not a mite ! 
 
 Wall, when the Square s wife come to her and 
 told her how the new doctor had cured Seliny 
 Watkins, and a nuniber of others, Aunt Polly 
 taugfied, and says she, 
 
 - There wan t aothin the matter with ary one
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. IC> 
 
 on em. Seliny was the wust, and all t!v2f ailded 
 her was hypo. There s a difference betwixt hypo 
 and rheumatiz," says Aunt Polly. My dizease 
 ain t in my mind ; it s in my leg. Do you s pose 
 any mental workin s isagoin to give me a sound 
 lim ? Nonsense !" says she. 
 
 " Wall, try her, anyway," says the Square s wife. 
 " She won t dew ye no hurt, and she may dew ye 
 some good." 
 
 " All right ; fetch her along !" says Aunt Polly. 
 So the very next day they sent her over. 
 
 Her name was wall, I guess I won t tell hei 
 name but she was acuris-lookin woman ; nobody 
 ever looked like her. She was kinder fat and 
 flabby and pale, even her lips was white ; but her 
 eyes was the queerest. When she once looked at 
 you, they seemed to fasten on and burn and bore 
 into ye, as it were. 
 
 And she dressed herself up to look as bad as 
 she could, convenient, Fat as she was, she wore 
 a garry-baldy waist, and a short skirt half-way up 
 to her knees. Said she wore it for " convenyence 
 and comfort." And we found out she didn t eat 
 much of anything ; lived on speritual food and 
 Graham crackers, mostly. She said she expected 
 ter get so s she could live without eatin 1 at all, 
 sometime throw off the "material body" and 
 its wants altogether. 
 
 Aunt Polly said afterwards that " as long s she 
 was in the body she thought she orter tend tew it, 
 for looks sake, if not h in more. She did look like 
 the Old Harry." 
 
 She had a pleasant way enough with her ; and 
 when she come and set down side of Aunt Polly,
 
 20 ADVEN1UKZ.S Or AN OLD MAID. 
 
 so kinder home-like and quiet, she didn t mind 
 the garry-baldy, nor the borin eyes. She showed 
 her her lim , all swelled up, and out o shape and 
 angry, and says she, 
 
 "There ! that s a pretty-lookin lim , ain t it ?" 
 
 The doctor sighed real pitiful. 
 
 " It is very bad in your belief certainly," 
 she said. 
 
 " In my belief !" says Aunt Polly. " In your 
 belief too, ain t it ? You ve got eyes you see for 
 yourself ! My belief !" says Aunt Polly, most a 
 good min ter be mad. 
 
 " My friend," says the doctor, " real soothin," 
 let me tell you, to begin with, that we deny the 
 existence of dizease except in the perverted 
 minds of deluded men and women. There is 
 no dizease there," pintin to the lim . " We 
 deny it." She spoke very firm an begun to bore 
 with her eyes. Aunt Polly laughed. 
 
 " I s posp if you should tell me there wa n t no 
 nose on your face, you d expect me to believe it ?" 
 she says, sarkastic. Aunt Polly didn t mean 
 nothin special, but the doctor woman had an 
 awful big, fat, round nose like Fredriky Breemer s 
 in the picter, ye know. She clapped her hand 
 over her nose and colored up red s a beet. Aunt 
 Polly knew then that her nose was her sensitive 
 pint. Funny, wa n t it ? "I beg pardon," says 
 Aunt Polly, " I didn t mean ter say nothin per 
 sonal." 
 
 " These things must be speritually dizerned, 
 my friend," says the doctor, recoverin her dignerty. 
 " Will you now, for a few minutes, try to forgit 
 your body and give your mind to what I shall say ?"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 21 
 
 She looked at Aunt Polly in her queer 
 way, and Aunt Polly says, " Why, yes, I.dunno 1 
 but what I will though the facts remain here 
 they be. Here s my lim jest as it is, an here s 
 your n I mean here s Square Jones s barn (look- 
 in out o the winder). They dew exist. You 
 can t wipe em out, if you dew forgit em !" 
 
 " I want you to try ter see that the mind is in 
 finitely sooperior to the body the body is only 
 its slave and subordinate." 
 
 " I should say," speaks up Aunt Polly, " that 
 with a good many folks the body was the main 
 part. I know some that hain t got mind enough 
 ter keep em out o mischief when 
 
 " Iwant you to think of man as he should be 
 as God made him," says the doctor. 
 
 " Oh," says Aunt Polly, " it s a good while sence 
 he was made. We re all in a state o sin and 
 misery now, you know. I guess thinkin we re 
 different won t make us so ; we ll have to take 
 folks as they be." 
 
 " Well, take em as they be !" answers the 
 doctor, a little grain out o patience. " Ain t it 
 pleasa nter to think of your sperit than of your 
 body ? Your sperit, which is a part of God is 
 God, with whom dizease or evil of any kind can 
 not exist and don t you see that if you are a part 
 of God no dizease can really exist with you ? : 
 
 " No, I don t see no sech thing ! God give us 
 bodies, and I think s likely they was well enough 
 to begin with ; but they didn t stay so long, and 
 they ain t now that is, some on em." 
 
 The doctor hove a deep sigh. " I see I can 
 not do much for you at present," she said ; " but
 
 22 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 possibly if you could come to the meetin to 
 night, you might git started in the right direc 
 tion." 
 
 " If other folks can believe they are well when 
 they ain t, I can," says Aunt Polly, " and I mean to 
 give the thing a thorough trial. I ll go to the 
 meetin , I ll be there," says Aunt Polly. 
 
 The doctor smiled encouragin . " You are on 
 the right track already, my friend," she said, 
 and went away. 
 
 That night they wheeled Aunt Polly to the 
 town-hall in her chair, and carried her up the 
 stairs in their arms. The two mind-cure women 
 come along up at the same time, and one on em 
 spoke and says, 
 
 "If you will, you can walk down, a whole 
 woman !" 
 
 " P raps I can," mutters Aunt Polly, shettin 
 her teeth together. 
 
 Well, they said about the same things that 
 she d heard, and told over a good many wonder 
 ful cures that had been performed. Though 
 they seemed to think the mind was all that needed 
 curin . 
 
 Aunt Polly was all worked up to the highest 
 pitch when they got through. She remembered 
 the years she had been in torment with her 
 rheumatiz, and all the time givin herself credit 
 for throwin it off oncommon well ; and now to 
 be told that there wa n t no need of all that grit 
 and endurance she couldn t stan it ! She speaks 
 up, arid says she to the women, 
 
 " You see me when I was brought up them 
 stairs to-night ?" They nodded " We did ; and
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 23 
 
 a very bad way you was in too in belief." 
 " And," continues Aunt Polly " you mean ter say 
 that I can walk down them stairs, and walk home 
 if I only believe I can, and will ter dew it strong 
 enough ?" 
 
 "There is no doubt on t," they answers carmly. 
 
 " TJien I will, if I break my neck T says Aunt 
 Polly. 
 
 The doctors looked kinder oneasy, and all the 
 nabors gethered round and begged on her not to 
 do sech a foolish thing, and resk her life, but her 
 spunk was up. 
 
 " You heard them cases they told about wuss 
 than mine they was ? Wall, what they did I can 
 do, and I will. Don t tech me and don t hen- 
 der me ! My mind s made up !" Her hired girl 
 flew out to get Uncle Biar to come and forbid her 
 or stop her somehow ; but la ! you might as well 
 tried ter hender chain lightnin ! She riz up and 
 hobbled out quite smart to the head o the stairs, 
 and then with her teeth shet firm together, and an 
 awful look in her eyes, and with us all a watchin 
 and holdin our breath, not darin to touch her, 
 she actewally steps off from the broad top stair 
 and 
 
 Wall, Uncle Biar got there jest in time to pick 
 her up, at the bottom o the stairs, where she 
 tumbled and lay all in a bruised, senseless heap ! 
 And her well leg was broke ! 
 
 They took her home and put her to bed, and 
 \ve all expected to lose Aunt Polly sure. In the 
 rnornin the mind-cure women wa n t to be found. 
 They had disappeared left town. But I w r on t 
 keep you in suspense. Aunt Polly didn t die.
 
 24 ADVE<\ T TURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 She laid there, I don t know how many weeks ; 
 and when her broken lim got well s the other 
 one was well too ! And she hain t never had no 
 more rheumatiz from that day ter this ! 
 
 She don t lay up nothin aginst the mind-euro 
 folks ; she says they cured her, after al)
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 HER EXPERIENCE IN PALMISTRY. 
 
 They call it " Parmistry" now-days, and speak 
 on t as an " occult sience," and so on ; but tain t 
 nothin in the world but jest tellin fortunes by 
 the lines o the hands. 
 
 We didn t use to calkerlate that anybody knew 
 much about it but " hory sages" and gipsies, but 
 now it s all the rage among fashnerble people and 
 respectable folks, same s paintin on chiny or 
 Kensin ton embroidery, you know. 
 
 When I was down to the beach long with my 
 niece she that was Araminty Smith every- 
 body was chuckin full on t ; it did beat all ! 
 
 The young fellers went into t head fust. It 
 give em such a good chance to hold the girls 
 hands, and look into their eyes, and dew a good 
 many things they couldn t no other way. 
 
 And the girls, they was glad o the excuse to 
 say disagreeable things to them they had a spite 
 aginst, and to make love in an underhanded way, 
 as ye might say, to the young men they liked the 
 looks on. 
 
 There was one harnsome, black-eyed girl to 
 the hotel where we stopped, that knew more 
 about it than all the rest of em put together. 
 They called her the " Gipsy Queen," and every 
 evenin when we was all down in the parlors, 
 there d be a crowd round her, havin their for 
 tunes told. It was curis to hear her go on ; ruther 
 onpleasant too, sometimes. She had sech a way
 
 26 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. 
 
 o huntin out a person s weak pints, and holdin 
 em up for the rest to laugh at. But, after all, she 
 ,vas good-natered about it ; and as she sarved us 
 pretty much alike, nobody thought o gittin mad 
 at her. 
 
 Wall, after we got home, Minty and me, we 
 continered to think o the subjeck, and finally we 
 took a notion we d study up so we could tell for 
 tunes ourselves. We went on and ransacked the 
 bookstores and libries from one end ter t other; 
 and we examined and studied the hands of all 
 the members o the family, till the) was com 
 pletely wore out. Jack that s Minty s husband 
 said how his n was paralized. 
 
 Jack had an oncommon good hand to study, 
 bein s the lines was so clear and deep, and sech 
 a lot on em. He said w^ d found everything 
 there, "from a large family o children to a sea 
 voyage everything but a five-dollar bill." 
 
 When we d worked ourselves into quite an ex 
 citement over it, and our resorces was pretty nigh 
 exhausted, Jack he come to the rescue, as it 
 were. One day he come luggin along in to the 
 room where we set the biggest book I ever see ! 
 He laid it down onto the table as careful as if it 
 had been so much gold. 
 
 " There, girls," says he, "if you must study the 
 black arts, you d better go to the founting head. 
 You see this ere book ? Wall, here s the hull 
 thing ! Now I advise you to set right down teu 
 it and make yourselves comf terble. And mind, 
 hereafter I want you to let me alone." 
 
 Minty dropped on her knees before the mon 
 strous volyume and looked at the 1 title-page.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 27 
 
 " Why, Aunt Ruth !" she said, "it s over two 
 hundred years old! Think of it ! And, oh clear 
 me, do look at all the queer diergrams and things ! 
 How on airth did you git hold o sech a treasure, 
 Jack?" 
 
 " Money fetched it," said he, laughin . " I paid 
 a dollar for every year, and more too. All I 
 hope is, that you ll git the vally o the money out 
 on t !" And he shrugged up his shoulders and 
 went off laughin . 
 
 Wall, I don t s pose it was no more nor less n 
 idolatry the way we acted with that old book. 
 One or t other on us was on our bended knees 
 afore it the biggest part o the time. But it was 
 dretful hard gittin anything practikle out on t, 
 because the writer seemed to be oneo them prosy, 
 long-winded fellers that never says anything right 
 straight out, nor comes to the pint less they re 
 bliged tew. So we had to wade through oceans 
 o words to git a single idee. 
 
 It was all spelt with long s s too. I must say, 
 I think there s been improvements in the art o 
 rpellin , if in nothin else. Our forefathers was 
 awful shifless bout some things ! However, we 
 managed to git a good deal that was new and 
 curis, that we couldn t probably a found anywheres 
 else. I s pose that s what made the book wuth 
 so much though Jack says now-days anything 
 two hundred years old is wuth its weight in gold, 
 except old maids, and them don t fetch half-price. 
 
 Wall, when we d got the "mounts" and " lines" 
 and things pretty well fixed in our heads, we be 
 gun to be crazy to tell everybody s fortune. 
 
 Our washvvoman was one o the fust subjecks
 
 28 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD 
 
 we lited on to. She took her great hand out o 
 the tub and held it up to us drippin with suds, 
 as tickled as could be to have her fortune told. 
 There s nothin more univarsal than the desire to 
 know the futur , is there ? 
 
 Biddy s hand was a sight to see ; as red as a 
 piece o beef, and all scarred and seamed ! There 
 was holes on the back that the rats gnawed when 
 she was comin over from Ireland in the steerage. 
 One finger had been took off by a machine, and 
 the rest was all drawed out o shape with rheu- 
 matiz. It didn t take no sience nor book larnin 
 to tell that poor Biddy s lot had been a hard one. 
 But she asked the same question they all do, in 
 variable. 
 
 " Shall I live long?" says she. " I should like 
 ter live long, mum," lookin up into my face, 
 wistful and confidin as a child. 
 
 She had lived long a ready She was in her 
 sixty-fifth year, but bein s sne s perfectly well, 
 and tough as an ox, she bids fair to live many a 
 year longer. 
 
 So I says, " Cordin to all pearances, Biddy, 
 you ll live forever." 
 
 "An is it rich I m goin to be?" she asked 
 next, just as they all do. 
 
 " I don t see no legacies nowheres/ says I ; 
 " but you ll never want for bread." 
 
 " Ligacies, is it?" she repeated, with a broad 
 grin. " Sure an I ve had me ligacy ! Didn t 
 Mary Mulrooney lave me the ilcgant warmin - 
 pan ? Wait, now, till I tell ye how* it was. 
 When I went to borry it of her the last time, she 
 was mad, and she says ter me, Biddy Sullivan.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. 2$ 
 
 it s tired o lindin I am, intirely ! Kape the long- 
 handled thing now, till I call for it, says she. 
 
 "And whin I heard she was dead the other 
 day, I claps me ould man on the back, and says 
 I, Mike, she ll niver call for the warmin -pan 
 now! says I. Thrue for you/ says he, it s a 
 ligacy ! That same was his very word. But go 
 on with the fortune, mum." 
 
 "Oh, you have a good heart-line, and a fair 
 head-line, and your last days will be your best," 
 says I, glib as a poll-parrot. 
 
 " Glory be to God for that, mum !" says 
 Biddy, fervent as a Methodist meetin . " What 
 with Mike s batin s, whin he s in the dhrink, and 
 me pinin for the fine litter o pigs gone from us 
 in the spring, it s nade enough I have o better 
 times ; it is indade !" and a big tear or two fell 
 into the wash-tub. 
 
 It s curis, but everybody wants fortune to 
 bring em somethin they hain t got and can t have. 
 Them that hain t no children are dretful anxious 
 to find them in their hands. The poor want 
 legacies and riches ; fools want honors ; and cut- 
 and-dried old maids that all the signs in the 
 Zodiack couldn t alter they want husbands. 
 And, funniest of all, married folks are dyin to 
 have you say they re goin to be widders or wid- 
 derrers pretty soon ! And when you tell em 
 they ll probably enjoy a good many years with 
 their present pardners, they don t, as a gineral 
 thing, look quite happy. 
 
 Minty s minister is a good man, but awful sot 
 and old-fashioned in his notions, and he wants 
 everybody to think jest as he does.
 
 3O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Now I like these ere old-fashioned folks, my 
 self, and hain t a word to say aginst em, only I 
 dew believe most on em have weak spots, jest 
 the same as other folks. Minty s minister had, 
 and I must say I was sorry to have a hand in 
 findin em out. 
 
 You see, somebody d told him how carried 
 away we was on the subjeck o Parmistry, and 
 about our old book, and so on, and what does he 
 dew but come right over to set us right. 
 
 He spoke out very severe ; said how t he was 
 " sorry to see any o his flock spendin their 
 airthly probation in such friverlous, not to say 
 wicked, pursoots," and he wound up as follers : 
 
 " Fortune-tellin , my dear ladies, is no more 
 nor less than a silly humbug, by which only the 
 ignorant and superstitious should be took in," 
 etc., etc. 
 
 Yes, sir, I know," says Minty, lookin up at 
 him with her great eyes, humble and respeckful 
 as could be, " of course nobody would expect 
 you to take any stock in it ; we don t really, but 
 it is curis and amusin sometimes." 
 
 She turned her face up to his, innercent as a 
 baby, and took hold o one of his white hands, 
 and looked at it kinder absent like, then turned 
 it over and looked agin at the palm. 
 
 He had known her ever sence she was a baby, 
 and he was old enough to be her par ; so now he 
 smiled down onto her, indulgent but very soo- 
 perior. 
 
 " What nice hands !" says Minty ; " long, taper- 
 in fingers hands o the highest order, cordin to 
 the old book, Aunt Ruth."
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLf> MAID 3 1 
 
 " Yes," says I, dravvin my chair up along-side, 
 " and he s got a double line o life, Minty 
 Smith ! The fust one I ever see !" 
 
 "And what might a double line o life be, 
 and what does it portend ?" he asked, sarcastick 
 and grand as the Great Mogul. 
 
 " Oh," says Minty, follerin it out with her 
 ringer, "that s it, and it means everything good 
 and great !" 
 
 " And then," she goes on gushin , " your 
 head-line is wonderful deep and clear, and your 
 heart-line oh, dear ! it must be tryin for a minis 
 ter of the Gospil to be sech a favorite with the 
 ladies!" She sighed and looked at him admir- 
 in ly. 
 
 " Come, come !" laughed the minister, givin 
 up both his hands to her and settlin back com 
 fortable in his chair. "It is amusin that is, 
 rarther for anything so foolish, you know. You 
 may go on, my child." 
 
 Then she told him a good deal that tickled 
 and flattered him mitily. So fur it was all favor 
 able. But all of a suddin Minty give a little 
 scream and dropped his hand. 
 
 " Was you ever drownded? Oh dear! I beg 
 pardon ; of course you never was ! But didn t 
 you never fall into the water nor nothin ." 
 
 " Never !" says the minister, lookin wild and 
 settin bolt upright in his chair. " What dew you 
 mean, child ?" 
 
 Minty looked distressed, but she didn t answer. 
 
 " What do you see ? or what do you think you 
 see ?" asked the minister. 
 
 Minty laughed kinder histerikle. " Pshaw !"
 
 32 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 she says, " of course there ain t nothin in it, no 
 way." 
 
 Certainly not of course not ; but perceed," 
 he said, tryin to smile. " I assure you I find it 
 very amusin very much so, indeed." 
 
 " But it ain t exactly funny or wouldn t be 
 if it was true," said Minty. "See here !" and, 
 turnin to a diergram in the old book, she showed 
 him where the tips of the fingers was, full of 
 wavy little lines ; and, sure enough, there, on every 
 finger of the minister s hand, was jest the same 
 lines, as plain as day, and it said in the book that 
 sech signs meant dangers by water, or deatJi by 
 drowniri . 
 
 The minister laughed a feeble little laugh and 
 picked up his hat to go. 
 
 " Curis, very curis, certainly," he said, "but 
 foolish." 
 
 " I s pose it is." said Minty, most a cryin ; but 
 if I was you, I d keep away from the water. 
 Don t never go nigh it, will you ?" 
 
 " Our lives are in the Lord s hands," he an 
 swered, very sollum. 
 
 " Yes, but you ll be safest on dry land," said 
 Minty, and he went away. 
 
 Now, sot as he was, strong in doctrine and in 
 intelleck as he was, he had his weak spot, didn t 
 he ? And he ll be afraid o the water as long as 
 he lives ! 
 
 He even went so fur as to have an artificial 
 pond on his grounds filled up. Said how t 
 " standin water wa n t helthy ;" and when his 
 socierty offered him a vacation and money to pay 
 his expenses to go to Europe, he took the vaca-
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. $* 
 
 tion and the money, but his physician didn t 
 think a sea-voyage would be beneficial tew him, 
 so he went to the White Mountings instid." 
 
 " Poor man," said Minty when she heard about 
 it ; " he needn t hang off ; if he is to be drownded 
 he will be, if he never goes nigh the water !" 
 
 But between you n me, I don t believe much 
 in Parmistry nor pny other forUme-tellin .
 
 34 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 POOR AUNT BETSEY. 
 
 I was settin by my winder the other mornin , 
 and, hearin the sound o voices, I looked out, and 
 there was old Aunt Betsey Griffin and her little 
 nefew Jimmy, down on their knees in our door- 
 yard diggin dandylions. 
 
 Aunt Betsey s awful deaf, and Jimmy he had 
 ter holler loud s he could in his little pipin voice 
 to make her hear. 
 
 "Aunt Betsey!" he screamed, "what made ye 
 bring sech a great big basket for?" 
 
 " Cos," says Aunt Betsey, " I wanted ter git a 
 good mess. Yes," says she, diggin away, " we 
 wan ter git & good mess, Jimmy. I says to your 
 marm this mornin , Mary, we hain t had a dish 
 o greens this spring, says I, and I m jest han- 
 kerin arter some, as it were. Dandylions is real 
 healthy in the spring o the year, and they d go 
 fust rate long o the biled dish ter day. 
 
 " All right, says your marm, only if you git 
 any, git a good mess ; I wouldn t wash a little dab 
 on em and git em ready ter bile for em/ 
 "And she shall have a good mess," says Aunt 
 Betsey, chucklin and pullin away at a tough one. 
 " She shall have a good mess on em, Jimmy." 
 
 Jimmy laid down on the grass and begun ter 
 play " stick" with his old case-knife. 
 
 " Say, Aunt Betsey," he screams pretty soon,
 
 "AUNT BETSEY!" HE SCREAMED, "WHAT MADE YE BRING SECH 
 
 GREAT BIG BASKET FOR ?" (Page 34.) 
 
 35
 
 36 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " I m all tuckered out ! Hain t we got bout 
 enough ?" 
 
 Aunt Betsey straightened herself up slow for 
 her jints is stiff and looked inter the baskit. 
 
 " Wall, I dunno but we have," says she ; " you 
 can carry em home to your marm dandylions 
 ain t heavy and I ll jest step in and see Ruth 
 Ann a few minutes, now I m here." 
 
 I alvvers like to have Aunt Betsey come, but 
 she s got a way o tellin the same stories over n 
 over every time you see her, and some folks think 
 it s kinder tiresome ; but la ! as long as she enjoys 
 it and it don t hurt nobody, let her dew it, I say. 
 Old folks can t be young folks, of course. She s 
 a good woman if ever there was one, and bright 
 as a button about some things, notwithstandin all 
 she s been through. 
 
 When she come in I give her the rockin chaii 
 and screamed into her ear as loud s I could, 
 "How do ye dew to-day, Aunt Betsey ?" I gin- 
 erally manage to make her understand as much as 
 that to begin with, and then let her go on and do 
 the heft o the talkin herself. 
 
 " Oh," says she, " I m middlin smart from fair 
 ter middlin considerin ." 
 
 That s what she alvvers says, invariable. 
 
 Then she looked out o the winder and laughed 
 in her simple way, and I knew jest what was 
 comin , but I let her run on. 
 
 "It was sech a mornin as this, Ruth Ann," 
 says she, " in the spring o the year, in dandylion 
 time, that marm and I was washiti a mess o 
 greens for dinner, and all to once there come a 
 rap on the door, and lookin out o the winder we
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 37 
 
 see a great white boss standin by the gate, with a 
 gay saddle on him, and a darky holdin him by 
 the bridle. 
 
 " Marm she went ter the door, and there stood 
 as harnsome a man as I ever set eyes on all 
 dressed up in his regimentles, he was and he 
 took off his hat to marm as perlite as you please, 
 and made her a bow. 
 
 " How do you do, madam ? says he. 
 
 " Marm kerchied down ter the floor, and says 
 she, I hope I see ye well, sir ; won t ye come in ? 
 
 " Thank you, says he, as perlite as you please, 
 and he come in and set down, and put his hat on 
 the floor. Then he asks, 
 
 " Is your husband about home this mornin ? 
 
 " No, sir; I m sorry ter say he ain t, says 
 marm; he s jest gone down ter the vil 
 lage. 
 
 " Very well, says he, I shall find him there, 
 I presume. 
 
 "And he picks up his hat as if ter go, when he 
 spies me a-hidin behind his chair, and lookin at 
 him bashful, with my finger in my mouth. 
 
 " I was only a little gal, but he turns round ter 
 me, lookin kinder sollum and gentle inter my 
 face, and he puts his hand on my head and says 
 he, Little gal, grow up ter be a blessin and 
 comfort to your mother. 
 
 "Them was his identikle words, Ruth Ann," 
 says Aunt Betsey, snifrlin and wipin her eyes, as 
 she alwers does when she gits ter this place in her 
 story. 
 
 " Yes, he laid his liand on to my head and I 
 was an awful bashful little gal but I looked up
 
 38 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 into his face when he spoke them words, and I 
 says, tremblin , 
 
 " Mister, I will, says I ; and then I hung down 
 my head scairt enough ; but I never forgot the 
 smile he give me, nor how good and carm he 
 looked, like the picters of the Lord in the big- 
 Bible ; and I felt pooty much as if the Lord 
 Himself had took my promise, as it were. 
 
 "Wall, then he bows ter marm and me, and 
 goes out and jumps on to his great white hoss 
 and gallops away. 
 
 "And I never forgot them words," says Aunt 
 Betsey agin, rockin and lookin off across the 
 fields in a dreamy kind of way ; " and while I was 
 a-takin care o marm all them years alone, and 
 she a helpless creatur , I often said it over to my 
 self, Be a comfort to your mother : and I alwers 
 answered back as I did that mornin , I will, I 
 will. And I guess I was ; leastways, marm used 
 ter say to me, Darter Betsey, you re good to 
 your poor old marm. The Lord reward ye ! 
 
 " But she never knew all I give up for her sake. 
 I wouldn t let her know. Poor old soul ! She 
 had trouble enough of her own to bear, without 
 thinkin o mine. What with her aches and pains, 
 and father s takin ter drink, and brother Joe s 
 runnin away, a body d say she didn t need much 
 more ter kill her. It was a mystery how she 
 lived as long as she did." 
 
 Aunt Betsey fell ter musin here, and kep still 
 for some little time ; but she hadn t got done. 
 
 " Marm never knew, for I never told her," she 
 goes on, bimeby. " I never told her how I sent 
 Dan l Jones a-goin when he asked me ter marry
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 39 
 
 him, ruther n leave her to the care o strangers. 
 I was all she had, ye see, and I dunno s I was 
 ever sorry I done it ; only now she s dead and 
 gone, and I m an old woman myself, it doos seem 
 ruther hard, sometimes, that I shouldn t have no 
 darter to take care of me in my old age ; nobody 
 but sister Griffin, and she only a half-sister, and 
 grudgin at that. Seems s if the Lord had forgot 
 all I done for marm t any rate He don t seem 
 to consider me wuth bein took care on but 
 there, Ruth Ann! 
 
 She looked up inter my face with a pitiful 
 quiverin kind o smile that I couldn t stand no 
 way. I took her poor old wrinkled hands in 
 mine, and screamed into her ear that I felt for 
 her, and that I didn t believe the Lord had foi- 
 got her, and so on. 
 
 " Oh, it s all right, it s all right, I know, Ruth 
 Ann," she says, " but I can t help speakin out 
 sometimes. I dew hope I shall be forgiven that 
 the Lord won t lay it up agin me, considerin ." 
 
 She whimpered a little, and then wiped up her 
 eyes, and set rockin easy, back ards and for ards, 
 for quite a spell, till finally she dropped off to 
 sleep. Poor old soul ! I s pose she was tired. 
 
 VVhen she waked up, I went into the bedroom 
 and got six great red peppermints for her she s 
 master fond o peppermints and she eat one or 
 two of em and brightened up wonderful. Pep 
 permints be warmin and comfortin , that s a fact ! 
 
 I knew she hadn t finished her story yet cordin 
 ter rule, and I begun to think that for once she 
 was goin ter forgit about it. But it wa n t so. 
 She put on her sun-bunnit and riz up to go, then
 
 4O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 she turned round to me, and pintin her finger 
 very impressive, she says, 
 
 " Ruth Ann, that man that called on me and 
 marm that spring mornin when we was a-cleanin 
 greens was Gineral George \Vashiritoii />l
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 4! 
 
 SHE FINDS THE COAL-MAN. 
 
 SEQUEL TO "SHE GOES TO BOSTON." 
 
 You remember I told you about my scrape 
 with that coal-man, last Christmas, when I was 
 to Boston ? How I made him take me to the 
 depot, and then hadn t a cent o money to pay 
 him, after promisin to reward him liberal, too ! I 
 didn t mean no harm more n a baby, but I know he 
 thought I was a swindlin , lyin woman, goin round 
 loose a-gittin my livin by workin onto folkses 
 feeliris , and .stealin rides out o poor coal-men ! 
 He hadn t no means o knowin the truth o the 
 matter, you see, and it did look bad it looked 
 aginst me, that s a fact. It would a been easy 
 enough to set the matter right, if I d only re 
 membered the feller s address, but I give up 
 tryin to clew that long ago ; twa n t no kind o 
 use. I d settled it in my mind, though, that some 
 time, pretty soon tew, I must hunt up that coal 
 man and have a settlement. But how to dew it 
 and where to begin that was the question. I 
 thought it over n over till I was jest about crazy. 
 I couldn t eat nor sleep, and mother she begun to 
 worry about me and dose me with all kinds o 
 herbs and doctor s stuff. I took em ter please 
 her, but / knew it wouldn t do no good. It was 
 my mind that was fected. This is the way things 
 was with me, when I got a letter from Jack and
 
 42 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Minty tellin me that they had moved into Boston, 
 and urgin me to come down right off and make 
 a good long visit. I said to once, "Mother, it s a 
 providence ; I ll go ! Novv s my time, and Minty 
 will help me." So I got ready as quick s I could 
 and started. 
 
 Minty met me to the depot, and the fust words 
 she said was, 
 
 " Aunt Ruth, what under the canopy is the 
 matter with ye ? You look as if you d had a fit 
 o sickness ! Have you been sick ?" 
 
 " No, Minty, I hain t," says I, " but there s 
 other troubles in this world as wearin as sick 
 ness." 
 
 " For pity s sake, what do you mean ?" says she ; 
 and then I told her. 
 
 " It s that coal-man that s wearin me away to a 
 shadder, and nothin else," says I. It s quiet up 
 home, you know, and likely enough my mind s 
 dwelt on the subjeck more n what s reasonable or 
 nateral ; t any rate, all I ve done lately is jest to 
 think, think, night and day, about how I cheated 
 that poor feller ! And now I ve come to Boston, 
 and I m goin to find him, and have a settlement 
 with him if it costs fifty dollars /" says I, "and 
 Minty, you ve got to promise to help me, or less 
 I ll go n get somebody that will !" says I, and 
 then I bust out cryin . Minty laughed, and hug 
 ged me agin. "Cheer up," she says ; " we ll have 
 that old-fashioned conscience o yourn out o 
 misery in no time ! The coal-man shall be found, 
 if we have to turn Boston inside out and hind 
 side afore to do it," says she. 
 
 Minty s better for me than a bottle o medicine
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 43 
 
 any day, and she chippered me right up, so t I 
 felt more like myself than I had for a good while. 
 
 Wall, the next day, when I d got rested a little, 
 Minty and I talked the matter over, and we 
 concluded that the fust thing for us to do was to 
 advertise. So she writ a piece and sent it to the 
 newspapers. 
 
 "That ll fetch him," says she, "if he can read 
 and ever looks at a paper ; but in the mean time 
 we ll keep our eyes open. He may turn up 
 when we ain t expectin ." 
 
 From that day for ard it seemed as if I didn t 
 think o nothin but my coal-man. Jack said 
 how t I d got the monomanier; but I Knew better, 
 and told him so. Nothin in this world ailded me, 
 and I should be all right soon s this business was 
 off my mind. 
 
 The fust time I went on the street, I come 
 pretty nigh gittin killed myself, or killin some 
 body else, a number o times. You see my eyes 
 was everywheres to once, but mostly in the road, 
 lookin out for coal carts ; and every one I spied, I 
 generally made a dive back ards or for ards to git 
 a sight o the driver s face, ye know. And it 
 wa n t a safe way to dew in a crowded street, by 
 no means. 
 
 Once I run into a man, and jabbed a stool he 
 was carryin right into his stummuck, so st he 
 bellered out, and everybody turned round and 
 stared. 
 
 "Old lady," says he, "mind where you re goin 
 tew, can t yer? Ain t there room for me and you 
 too on this ere sidewalk ?" Some laughed, and 
 I felt cheap enough.
 
 44 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Another time I walked straight into a lady s 
 face and eyes, my gaze bein fixed ahead in the 
 road, on a coal cart jest heavin in sight. I 
 bumped square into her face, and her spe tacles 
 fell off. She dropped her puss and let go of the 
 string that was hitched onto her poodle dog, and 
 I lost my bag ; so we had to paw round quite a 
 spell afore we got right side up agin. 
 
 I pollygized as well s I knew how, and asked 
 her if I couldn t do somethin to kinder bring her 
 tew and make her feel better. 
 
 She was leanin up aginst a store winder, and 
 she jest put up her hand to fix her spe tacles onto 
 her nose more firm, then she looked me over 
 carmly, and says she, "How very peculiar!" 
 
 I was awful mad ! If she d jawed and scolded 
 I wouldn t a cared ; but to have her treat me as 
 if I was a menagery or some sort of a curiosity 
 I couldn t stan it ! 
 
 " Marm," says I, "p r aps you d be peculiar 
 yourself if you had a hull city full o coal-men to 
 look after !" says I. 
 
 That made her stare all the more insultin , and 
 T went off and left her standin there as if she s 
 parilized. I dunno but what she stands there 
 yit. I don t care a snap if she does ! 
 
 But that wa n t a circumstance to what I come 
 tew another time. Minty and me went one af 
 ternoon to a concert in the Music Hall. We 
 thought it would rest us and do us good ; and 
 anybody d think I wouldn t be sech a fool as to 
 look for a coal-man there ! 
 
 I set through the fust half o the concert ; the 
 music wa n t very interestin to me too high-
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN~ OLD MAID. 45 
 
 toned I s pose. I don t like this kilter-skitter 
 music ; I like somethin with a time to it, if it 3 
 nothin more n " Yanky Doodle." Wall, as I was 
 a-sayin , I didn t feel interested in the music, and 
 so I got to thinkin and wonderin about my coal 
 man ; when all to once a man right in front on us 
 had a little coughin spell, and turned his head 
 round so t I could see his face. I grabbed Min- 
 ty s arm. 
 
 " Minty," I whispered, " there s my man 
 there !" 
 
 She looked where \ pinted, and says she : 
 44 Aunt Ruth, you re crazy ! That man is a gentle 
 man; he looks like a Beacon Street swell! Do 
 be quiet !" says she. 
 
 " He s the feller I rid on the dbal cart with, 
 anyway," says I, "or less he s a twin ! And I m 
 goin to speak to him after this show is over, 
 sure s my name is Ruth !" 
 
 "How foolish!" says Minty. " Tain t very 
 likely coal-men make a business o washin up 
 and puttin on their kid gloves and goin to con 
 certs right in the middle o the day !" says she. 
 
 But there I set and looked at him ; and the more 
 I looked the more sartin I felt that he was the 
 very man. Every featur of his face looked 
 nateral. " Who knows but what he s had a for 
 tune left to him ?" says I to myself. " Stranger 
 things have happened." So when the concert 
 was over, I jest pushed my way longside of him, 
 and laid my hand on his arm. 
 
 " Excuse me, sir," says I, all of a tremble, " but 
 ain t you the coal-man that carried me to the 
 depo one day bout Christmas time last year ?"
 
 40 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 The man drawed back a little, and looked at 
 me serious and inqurin . I was awful scairt, but 
 he didn t speak, and I s bound I d make hirr Sn 
 I follers on, and says I : 
 
 " Mebby you ve had a fortune left ye it looks 
 like it and if so, I m glad on t ; but you needn t 
 be ashamed to remember doin a kind act, and I 
 want to thank you and relieve my mind, all the 
 same, if you don t need my money now," says I. 
 
 We was half way out by this time, and he 
 seemed to have got his mind made up about me ; 
 for he turns to me and says, very serious and re- 
 speckful, 
 
 " Madam, you are laborin under a misappre 
 hension. But I beg you to take this, and when 
 you find the honest coal-man that does me the 
 honor to resemble me so close, will you give i\ 
 to him from me ?" 
 
 Them was his very words ; and dropping a 
 twenty-dollar gold piece into my hand, he lifted 
 his hat way offn his head, as if I d been the 
 queen, and walked on. 
 
 I looked at the money and wondered whuther 
 no I wa n t dreamin . Minty she ketched hold of 
 me and hauled me away and downstairs, quick s 
 she could. " Oh, Aunt Ruth !" says she, half 
 :ryin , "what have you done ?" 
 
 " I dunno what I ve done," says I. " But if 
 that high and lordly feller ain t a twin to my coal 
 man, I ll eat him." 
 
 "That man," says Minty, "is the richest man 
 m New England ! I knew him the minute I see 
 his face." 
 
 " Oh, wall, if he s so terrible rich, I m glad on t,"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 47 
 
 says I, " bein s he won t never miss the money he 
 give me, and it ll be quite a fortune to my coal 
 man when I find him." I walked on, tryin to 
 feel as bold as a lion, but I didn t I felt like 
 death ; and I guess Minty knew it, for she never 
 said another word about it. 
 
 After this I kep pretty quiet fora while only 
 I run into a peanut-stand one day, and had to pay 
 a dollar and a half damages ; and once I chased a 
 coal-cart till I was clean beat out, and had to hire 
 a coach to carry me home. 
 
 But the vvust on t was, I was gittin all discour 
 aged, and I was willin to own at last that I had 
 got the monomamer, or a touch on t, anyway ; 
 and finally I consented to let em call in the 
 doctor. 
 
 He said how t my sistem needed toniri -up, and 
 left me some medicine. I took the medicine 
 faithful, but I knew, and Minty knew too, that I 
 shouldn t ever git toned up right till I found that 
 pesky coal-man. 
 
 Our advertisin didn t amount to shucks. A 
 few smutty-faced, lyin fellers called on us, ex- 
 pectin to make somethin out on t, I s pose ; but 
 we wa n t so easy took in, and they went away as 
 poor as they come. 
 
 One day Minty showed in a young Irishman. 
 He come bowin and scrapin up to the table 
 where I set sewin , threw down his old hat, and 
 put out his black paw with a flourish, as if he was 
 tickled to death to see me. 
 
 " Be me sowl," says he, " if it isn t the idcntikle 
 old lady herself, now . I knew ye as quick as I 
 :. t me two eyes on ye !"
 
 4^ ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " Singular," says I, cool s could be for I d got 
 used to em, you know-" singular, but I never 
 ^Q you afore," says I. 
 
 " Oh, now," says he, coaxin like, "ye wouldn t 
 be afther forgittin so aisy. Think, now, how 
 would it be, say, barrin the baird and t"he short 
 cut o me hair for the hot weather ?" says he. 
 
 "Bar as much as you re min to," says I, " but 
 if you ll stop your blarney and tell me what you 
 want, I ll be obleeged to ye." 
 
 He seemed all struck of a heap for a minute, 
 and then says he, "An didn t ye advertise for the 
 young man as driv ye ter the depo on his coal- 
 cart last Christmas ?" 
 
 " I did," says I. - 
 
 " And isn t it mesilf as is the very feller ?" says 
 he, slappin his knee and lookin up as bold as 
 ibrass agin. 
 
 " Now I think on t, I dunno but you be," says 
 I -"yes, I guess you re the feller; and I s pose 
 you ve come to pay over that five dollars I lent 
 you," says I, and I riz up and held out my hand 
 to him. 
 
 You orter seen that man ! He looked all ways 
 to once, and everywheres but at me ; then he 
 picks up his old hat in a hurry, and says he, 
 
 " It s mistaken I am now, intirely ! It s not 
 
 mesilf at all I mane it s not it s not your- 
 
 /. 
 silj 
 
 " Oh yes, it is," says I, cuttin him short. " It s 
 my self, but it s not your self!" So sayin , I 
 topened the door and he blundered out and off. 
 
 This was only one of quite a number of experi 
 ences we went through, and all for nothin . No
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 49 
 
 great wonder I had the monomanier, was it ? It 
 was a mercy Minty didn t git it fastened on to 
 her, too. She did come dretful nigh it. 
 
 But there s an end o some kind to all things ; 
 and there is to this story, as you ll see, bimeby. 
 
 One mornin Minty come to me after breakfast 
 and says, " Aunt Ruth, Jack is goin to be away 
 a few days, and while he s gone you and me ll 
 give a party a coal-man s party. We ll advertise 
 in every way we can for two days, and on Thurs 
 day we ll hold the recepshun in our basement. 
 We ll have lemonaid, and donuts, and sandwidges 
 enough for all the coal-men in town. What do 
 you think on t ?" says she. 
 
 I was so struck with the idee that I didn t 
 breathe for much as a minute ! 
 
 " Minty ! you re a genyus !" says I. " It s jest 
 the thing !" 
 
 So we set right about it. It was awful hot 
 weather, and it stood to reason that no hard- 
 workin coal-man would miss a chance o gittin a 
 good lunch and a cool drink o lemonaid, free 
 gratis for nothin . "That must fetch hin. " 
 thinks I, and I felt encouraged. The advertise 
 ment run this way : 
 
 " FREE LUNCH TO COAL-MEN ! AT NO. 35 CLAY 
 STREET (BASEMENT), FROM 11 A.M. TO 
 i O CLOCK. COME ONE, COME ALL !" 
 
 I asked Minty what she s posed the neighbors 
 would think, when they see the doin s. She said 
 she didn t care what they thought ; but they d 
 probaly think we s exsentrick. and took that way
 
 5O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 o doin good. It was fashnerable to be exsen 
 trick. 
 
 When the time come, it was well vvuth all our 
 trouble jest to see em ; and if it hadn t a been 
 for my monomanier we sh d had lots o fun out 
 on t. 
 
 There was a line o coal-carts standin up and 
 down our street as fur as you could see both 
 ways, and them fellers kep a-pilin in to that 
 basement, as business-like as you please, as if, for 
 all the world, it was an every-day thing to em ; 
 and they scrambled for the vittles and drunk hull 
 tubs full o lemonaid as if it did em good. I 
 guess it did. We didn t worry none about that, 
 anyway. 
 
 Wall, the time passed, and it was goin on 
 two o clock, and amongst all them smutty-faced 
 fellers I hadn t see one that looked like my coal 
 man. I had on my best caliker dress and I d 
 sp ilt it long ago, they slopt the lemonaid round 
 so, and Minty, she d sp ilt hern too; but we 
 didn t care for the dresses, we was so disap- 
 pinted. I was most a-cryin , but I kep round 
 among em, waitin on em kinder mecanikle, 
 when all to once an uproar riz loud laughin 
 and talkin , and jokin back and forth, about 
 somethin or nother, we couldn t make out what. 
 But finally we diskivered the cause on t. 
 
 They was all settin on to one little feller, and 
 when we inquired into it they laughed and 
 shouted, and said hovv t he d been stuffin his 
 pockits, and they insisted on t that he should 
 "shell out," as they called it, fore they d let him 
 go.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 51 
 
 Minty spoke to em in her pretty way, and 
 begged em to remember theie was ladies present, 
 and behave like gentlemen. They simmered 
 down to once, then, and Minty went to the little 
 feller and spoke real kind. " Can t you eat 
 enough?" says she. "What makes you fill your 
 pockits ? The rest don t do so." 
 
 He looked sheepish for a minute, and then he 
 spunked up, and says he, " Yes, marm, I ve had 
 enough myself, and thank ye kindly for t ; but I 
 thought as how twouldn t be no harm to carry 
 some ter Jim Jim Rasher he s sick, ye know ; 
 and he hain t got nobody but me to look out for 
 him, he hain t." 
 
 Of course we was interested to once, and asked 
 a good many questions ; and Minty told the boy 
 to wait till the others was gone, and then she put 
 up a baskit o things for him to take along to his 
 friend. 
 
 While she was talkin I was a-thinkin . I says 
 to myself, " You d better go n see this sick man ; 
 mebby it 11 ease your mind to dew for some coal 
 man if you can t for the right one." So I run up 
 stairs, put on my bunnit, clapped my puss into 
 my pockit, and was ready and waitin when he 
 come out with his baskit. We went along to 
 gether, and wall, I may as well tell ye now 1 
 found my coal-man ! 
 
 He was sick, sure enough. And he lay in a 
 miserble room, on a miserble bed, and the flies 
 was eatin on him up, and there wa n t no air in the 
 room fit to breathe, and he was tossin and moan- 
 in , burnt up with fever. 
 
 Somethin told me I had found him afore I
 
 52 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 fairly see his face ; and when I went up to him 
 and laid my cool hand onto his head, he knew me 
 too. He looked at me for a minute in that 
 stoopid, stunned way o hisn I remembered it 
 perfeckly but he knew me, and his great, honest 
 eyes kinder smiled, though his mouth was so sol- 
 lum, and he says, 
 
 "Old lady, is it you?" I couldn t speak to 
 once, if I died, but I opened the baskit, and got 
 him out some grapes, and sent the boy for some 
 cool water, so I could bathe his head. Bimeby I 
 told him how I felt when I found I d forgot his 
 address, and how I d worried ever sence ; how I d 
 hunted for him, and about the free lunch and 
 everything. " And, now," says I, " I wanLyou to 
 cheer right up, for I m goin to send you a doc 
 tor, and we ll have you well in no time. Is the 
 old white horse alive and well ?" says I. 
 
 Upon this he smiled bright s a button. 
 
 " Yes, marm," says he, " the old mare s all 
 right, thank ye." 
 
 " Wall," says I, pretty soon, "I must leave ye 
 now. Ain t there some woman we can git to 
 come and stay with you a spell, and nuss you 
 up?" 
 
 He picked at the bedclo es and looked foolish ; 
 but finally I managed to make out that there was 
 a girl he was a-goin to marry, that would be glad 
 to come, but she didn t even know he was sick 
 yet. 
 
 So the little feller his friend and me, we 
 went away together and hunted up the girl and 
 her mother. The girl s name was Berlindy, and 
 she seemed dretful fond of him. Wall, I left em
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 53 
 
 some money, and went home to Mint?- She 
 was wonderful excited over it. 
 
 " Our free lunch was a success, after all ! " 
 says she, and we went to bed that night, two 
 happy wimmin, if we was all tuckered out. 
 
 The rest is soon told. We kep an eye on Jim 
 iRasher, and after a while Jack give him a place 
 in his own office, and Minty took Berlindy intc 
 the house as a servant. 
 
 When they was married, we heip^d fit em out, 
 and among other things I give Jim the twenty- 
 dollar gold piece, ard the man s message alonp 
 with it. 
 
 He looked more stoopid and stunned than I d 
 ever seen him afore ; but Berlindy she wa n t 
 flustered a mite. She swallered it all, and more 
 tew. She tossed up her head, and says she, " I 
 should like ter see the man that can hold a candle 
 to my Jecmes for good looks, if he is a milling 
 oair 1"
 
 54 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 WRITING FOR THE NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 I ve had curi s experiences sence I begun to 
 write for the papers. 
 
 The nabors got hold on t, somehow, that I was 
 a writin , and it was queer enough to see how the 
 different ones took it. 
 
 Old gran marm McGilvry, she was the fust to 
 come to interview me. She s a reg lar old gos 
 sip, but she alwers peared to think well o me. 
 She begun before, she fairly got her bunnit off. 
 
 " Ruth Ann," says she, " I m glad to hear that 
 you re a doin somethin oncommon ; and I say if 
 you behave yourself, tain t anybody s business if 
 you dew write for the papers, and / say if folks 
 are a min ter talk, why let em talk!" 
 
 My nighest nabor, Mis Carter she s a little 
 narvous, sensitive thing she come over in a 
 peck o trouble, and says she, 
 
 " Ruth Ann, there s one thing I hope and pray 
 you won t never do, and that is, to put your na 
 bors into your pieces ; if you do, it ll make no 
 end o trouble. Now I ve alwers told you every 
 thing about me and my husband, and about Mary 
 and her beau you know how I ve confided in 
 you, Ruth Ann and if you go to puttin on t in 
 print, I declare I don t know what I shall do !" 
 
 She was almost cryin and I felt bad for her. 
 
 " La, Mis Carter," says I, "don t you be one 
 mite afeared. I hain t no notion o doin any sech
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 55 
 
 thing. I reckon I can find enough to write about 
 without betrayin my nabor s sekrits ; when I can t 
 I ll give it up," says I. 
 
 She wiped her eyes then and felt better. " 1 
 might a known," she said laughin , " but that s the 
 way some o them writers do." 
 
 " It s awful small business," says I. 
 
 " That s so," says she. 
 
 Next, Amandy Plimpton come drivin over pell- 
 mell. She had a great big sheet o paper kivered 
 over with verses, and a bran -new lead pencil 
 stuck over her ear, as if she meant business. 
 
 She d been writin poitry, and she wanted me 
 to read it, and correct it, and send it long with 
 my next piece to the newspaper man. She said 
 she d leave the matter o compensation entirely to 
 the editor. 
 
 She was all up and a comin , as you might say, 
 and I had to set right down and read it ; I went 
 through it two or three times careful and candid, 
 but I couldn t make no head nor tail to it, and 
 finally give it up. 
 
 "Amandy," says I, " I guess it s good poitry, 
 but I m afraid it ain t available Mind ye, 
 Amandy, that ain t sayin a word aginst it, only it 
 ain t just what they want." 
 
 "How do you kow tain t?" says she. "See 
 here, you needn t be afraid I ll put your nose out 
 o jint ; you don t write poitry don t pertend to 
 do ye ?" 
 
 " Oh, no ; I don t, that s a fact," says I laughin , 
 
 and, what s more, I ain t no judge o poitry. 1 
 
 have to scratch my head a good while sometimes 
 
 Tore I can make out what the best on t means;
 
 $6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, 
 
 but as long as you would have my pinion I had 
 to say somethin ." 
 
 " Of course you ain t to blame for not bein 
 able to predate poitry," says Amandy, real con 
 siderate, " and I guess I ll consult some fust class 
 poet, and then I shall know." 
 
 Cordinly she sent it to Mr. Whittler, and in 
 the course of a week it come back, and a real 
 nice note long with it, sayin that he couldn t 
 thank her enough for the pleasure o readin on t, 
 but suggestin that editors was the best judges o 
 poitry. So she posted it right off to the Bang- 
 town Magazine, and waited on tiptoe for the 
 answer. 
 
 If you ll believe it, them verses was sent back 
 to her with the solitary, single word " trash writ 
 on top of em, and that was all. Oh, how mad 
 she was ! She says to me, says she, "Trash" be 
 they ! Them verses that thrilled me through and 
 through to write, and make creepers up and down 
 my spine to read 7 Oh, the wretches ! 
 
 Listen to these " Lines to James Henry." She 
 read the fust verse : 
 
 " When I am dead and in my grave, 
 
 Oh weep not for Amandy ; 
 Some other girl you ll probaly find, 
 There s plenty standin handy." 
 
 " Now, Ruth Ann, even you can see that that 
 is touchin thrillin ." 
 
 " Yes," says I, " ondoubtedly ; but them edi 
 tors is a tough lot, with backbones of iron and 
 narves of steel. They don t thrill wuth a cent. 
 But come, never mind, Mandy, let s work on our
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 57 
 
 crazy quilts," says I, tryin to divert her mind, as 
 it were. But she didn t seem to hear me, and 
 read right on. " Ruth Ann," says she to me 
 when she got through, "if that ere ain t real 
 poitry I ll eat it! Look at the sentimunt !" 
 
 "Why, yes," says I again, "and I m sure it 
 must be real comfortin to James Henry. It re 
 minds me somehow of the little verse we used to 
 write in our books to school ; don t you remem 
 ber ? 
 
 " When I am dead and in my 
 
 And all my bones are rotten, 
 This little book shall tell my name 
 When I am quite forgotten. 
 
 * i should say your n was fully equal to that, 
 and you know what a run that had." 
 
 "Equal to that /" snapped Amandy all out o 
 patience ; "what s the use o talkin to you you 
 don t know abserlutely no thin about poitry, and 
 that ends it !" 
 
 " I m afraid you re correck," says I, real umble. 
 " I never wrote but one verse in my life, and that 
 was to the man that was gittin up a book o Ne" r 
 Hampshire poets. He kept sendin and askin 
 me to contribute somethin . I told him 1 
 couldn t ; I didn t write verses ; but he hung on 
 till I finally got mad and sent him this : 
 
 " I ain t no poit, 
 
 And now you know it. 
 
 That seemed to satisfy him." 
 
 Cousin Safrony, she told me that they talked 
 my pieces all over to the mother s meetin , and
 
 58 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 then agin to the sewin circle, and some said one 
 thing and some another. 
 
 The Square s wife used to be a school-teacher, 
 and she said how it wasn t nothin to write for the 
 papers ; she d got stacks o manuscrip put away 
 up garret that she made up herself. She never 
 had none on t published felt delekit about it- 
 thought it required a good deal o cheek for a 
 woman to pear before the public in print. But 
 the Square often remarked that "that manuscrip 
 would be a mint o money to somebody sometime." 
 
 " But I ll bet a cookey," says Safrony to me, 
 that it wouldn t fetch more n the wuth of its 
 <veight for paper rags!" "And now," she con 
 tinued, " I m goin to tell you somethin in con 
 fidence that I never told no livin mortal before ! 
 I ve been thinkin lately whuther or no / hadn t 
 orter go into this writin business myself ! 
 
 " Why, ever sence I can remember I ve laid 
 awake hours and hours, makin up stories and 
 sermons, and all sorts of things in the dead d 
 the nigJit ! Ain t that the way you dew ?" 
 
 " Ketch me lay in awake nights !" says I, 
 latighin . " No ; I make a regular business o 
 sleepin , and tend right to it every night." 
 
 Safrony looked astonished. " Is that so ?" she 
 says; "you re the fust writer I ever heard on that 
 did ! But there s one thing I s pose you all have 
 to dew ; that is, live on fish mostly to feed your 
 brains ?" 
 
 "No, /don t," says I, "and, what s more, I 
 wouldn t if my brains starved to death. I can t 
 bear fish, and never eat it when I can git any 
 thing else."
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 59 
 
 " Wall, I must say," says Safrony turnin up 
 her nose, "that you ain t much of a writer if you 
 don t do no different from other folks." 
 
 " Oh wall," says I, laughin , " I ain t much of 
 a writer ; nothin larmin ." 
 
 Mis Gardner was the only o;ie that seemed to 
 feel real malice toward me. What does she do, 
 but carry one o my pieces to the litterary circle, 
 and read it loud, and then pass it round mong 
 the company so s they could see how many mis 
 takes in spellin there was in it. She d marked 
 em all off, and it was pretty much all marks, I 
 tell ye. 
 
 Safrony was bound she d stick up for me, so 
 when they handed it to her she says, 
 
 " Good land, I don t s pose them newspaper 
 men care how its spelt if it only makes sense." 
 
 " I should think they d correctify it before they 
 printed it," says the deacon s wife. 
 
 " Like enough they don t know how to spell 
 over and above well themselves," says Mis Gard 
 ner, pinchin in her lips. " I guess they never 
 won no dictionaries to spellin matches." 
 
 While they was laughin the Square s wife 
 come in, and they showed her the piece. 
 
 " Good gracious, how stoopid you all be !" she 
 said when she d read it. " Ruth Ann spells that 
 way a purpose, and if she don t spell bad enough 
 I ll warrant the editors puts on the finishin 
 touches themselves ! Poor spellin is all the fash 
 ion now," says she. 
 
 They felt pretty well took down then, and 
 didn t say another word ; for the Square s wife is 
 law and gospil among em you know
 
 60 ADVENTURED ^s AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Safrony asked me if I didn t never write 
 nothin and spell it all correck. 
 
 " Sometimes," I told her, " but it s pretty diffi- 
 kilt, and I have to keep a dictionary open before 
 me every minit. I ve spelt rong so long that it 
 don t come handy to spell rite" says I. 
 
 "Then while you re about it why don t you 
 spell wussf There s Joshua Billin s and Mister 
 Nasby now you don t begin to spell as bad as 
 they dew." 
 
 " Oh no," says I, " but their spellin makes 
 anybody feel crampy all over ; it ain t comfort 
 able. I don t want to do nothin to hurt. I jest 
 lay out to amuse folks in a comfortable kind of a 
 way. And besides/ says I, " I don t depend alto- 
 gether on my spellin , I generally put in a few 
 idees? 
 
 Oh, I didn t think o that," says Safrony, " I 
 guess that s what makes your pieces take so well." 
 
 I thought it was real nice in Safrony to stick 
 up for me after I d made light o her layin awake 
 nights and so on, but Safrony and me was always 
 good friends. 
 
 Aunt Polly Davis seemed to take a great deal 
 of pride in me at fust. "Jest to think," says she, 
 "that we should go and have an author in the 
 family after all ! We ve had a most everything 
 else, and now we ve got a bonny fidy author ! 
 I m real thankful," says she, " and I dew hope 
 you ll make a good use o your money ! Perhaps 
 by n by you ll git round to help me and your un 
 cle lift that pesky mor gage. You won t hardly 
 know what ter do with so much money, will 
 ye?"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 6 1 
 
 I 
 
 " I guess it ll be a spell before I ll have enough 
 
 to burden me," says I, laughin . 
 
 "Why, less see," says she, "how much do you 
 
 git for a piece ?" 
 
 "Oh," says I, "from 10 to 25 dollars." 
 
 " And how long does it take ye to write one ?" 
 
 " Oh, when I git fairly at it, say a week for 
 
 the longest ones, with what other work 1 
 
 do. You know I help a good deal round the 
 
 house." 
 
 Aunt Polly took a piece o paper and borrered 
 
 my pencil and set right down to it. She figgered 
 
 it out somethin like this, 
 
 52 weeks (year). 
 25 dollars (apiece). 
 
 260 
 
 104 
 
 1300 per year. 
 
 " My senses ! Ruth Ann," says she, " it can t 
 be ! I have made some mistake ! You look it 
 over and see if I ve multiplied and kerried right. 
 I ain t much of a. hand at figgers." 
 
 I looked it over. " Your conclusion would be 
 correck enough if your premises wan t wrong, 
 as we used to say at school," says I. 
 
 " Do you mean that you don t actillv earn that 
 much money a year ?" 
 
 " I mean that I aint amac/izne," says I. " You 
 hain t took nothin into consideration." Then I 
 tried to explain how sometimes I couldn t write 
 at all the idees wouldn t flow, as it were and
 
 62 ADVENTURES Of AN OLD MAID. 
 
 then agin, how some pieces wa n t available, ar ) 
 so on. 
 
 She looked blank enough. "Oh," says she, 
 kinder contemptewous, " it seems ter be a dret 
 ful onsartin business, and don t amount to much 
 after all I"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 63 
 
 SHE GOES TO " THE GERMAN." 
 
 Did I ever tell you "bout my goin to the 
 German that winter I was to Sophiar s ? 
 
 Wall, you see Snobtown ain t a big city. 1 
 tell em it ain t neither one thing nor t other. 
 It seems pretty much like our village to home, 
 but I s pose there is, in pint o fact, a good 
 many more houses and folks, or it wouldn t be 
 called a city. At any rate, it s enough like a 
 city ter make em want to dew everything any 
 body does, and so, cordin ly, they have " Ger 
 mans." 
 
 They low that nobody goes to these parties 
 but jest the very "aleet" (that s French, and 
 means big-bugs). 
 
 James and Sophiar don t seern to feel very big, 
 and I don t know exactly what constitoots an 
 " aleet ;" but one thing is sartin, if they hadn t 
 been one they couldn t a gone to that ere " Ger 
 man" and took me, so I m naterally glad the) 
 was considered up to the scratch. 
 
 Wall, when we got there, we found all the 
 ladies in the dressin room puttin on their white 
 kid gloves. Some on em went way up to theii 
 elbows. 
 
 But there was one o the most airy-lookin 
 ladies, pertendin to be in a great stew, because 
 she d left her gloves to home ; and she was goin 
 round tryin to make some o the other ladies 
 leave off them to keep her in countenants.
 
 64 ADVENTURES Of Aft OLD MAID. 
 
 She came to Sophiar, but Sophiar, says she, 
 
 " / wear gloves to cover my hands you know 
 I do my own work, Mis Dainty ; your hands 
 look well enough without, I m sure." 
 
 This seemed to please the lady, and she had\\\t 
 harnsomest hand and arm I ever seen on a mortal 
 woman. I kinder suspicioned she planned it all 
 to show em, too James said afterwards how she 
 might a spared enough ofT n the tail of her gown 
 to cover her hands and arms, and neck, tew, just 
 as well as not ! 
 
 Speakin o trains, hardly any o the ladies wore 
 em, and them that didn t, seemed to have a par- 
 ticklar spite agin em. It wa n t the gentlemen 
 that complained on em, and stepped on em most, 
 I noticed that pint 
 
 Sophiar introduced me to a slim, genteel-look- 
 in young man, with a red rihbin round his neck 
 and a silver whistle hung on to it. He was their 
 leader, she said, and pretty soon he blew his whis 
 tle and the musicianers struck up a lively waltz, 
 and all the gentlemen rushed to the door o the 
 dressin room, took their ladies on their arms and 
 went into the ball. 
 
 I was thankful for James s arm to lean on to, 
 for the floor was so slippery that I knew I 
 couldn t V walked acrost it alone to save my life, 
 to say nothin o dancing on sech a floor ; I don t 
 see how they ever dew it ! 
 
 We found chairs all set redy for us. They was 
 mostly tied together tew by tew with long sashes 
 o ribbin of different colors. We all set down 
 and spread out our dresses and looked at one 
 nother a spell ; then the whistle sounded and
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MA IP 65 
 
 each gentleman took his pardner in his arms and 
 begun ter spring round in a lively waltz. 
 
 Some o the dancers looked very well, and 
 some didn t. There was one little feller had the 
 cunninest mite of a girl for a pardner. I heard 
 him call her " Mamy." They looked well together, 
 and danced like two feathers. One man was 
 dretful tall, and stiff as a ramrod He used his 
 legs as if they didn t belong to mm, and his 
 pardner (she was his wife), she looked as if she 
 didn t belong to him, nuther. So they danced 
 pretty much on their own hook, poppin this way 
 and that, any way to get round. I pitied em, for 
 it must a been hard work ; but they seemed ter 
 be tryin to do their dooty, anyway. There was 
 another feller, a medical student, Sophiar said he 
 was, that I couldn t help watchin , he went into t 
 so business-like. He didn t turn out for nobody 
 nor nothin , but dashed right ahead, with his 
 mouth open, and his tongue a-workin for all the 
 world like a boy when he s learnin to write. 
 
 He got some pretty hard knocks, and I pitied 
 his pardner, but she didn t seem to mind. I s pose 
 she d got used to it. 
 
 It was queer the different ^ays they had of 
 holdin on to one nother. Some stood way off, 
 like the picter of the Puritan lovers kissin . Some 
 hugged up most tew tight, I thought, and some 
 took hold o hands and held em out one s de, 
 arm s length, and took up more room than be 
 longed to em. Some pumped up and dowu with 
 their elbows, and rocked fust one side and then 
 t other ; they called that the " Boston dtp" 
 
 They didn t dance long to begin with, and J
 
 66 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 didn t have time for observin half what 1 told 
 you. When the whistle blew, the music stopped, 
 and the leader said they would now have a rigger 
 called " Sir Rogerly Coverlid," or somethin like 
 that. 
 
 Wall, you ve seen the girls to the Cademy go 
 through with their jimnastic figgers ? It seemed 
 to me pretty much like them, only with a good 
 deal o waltzin mixed up in it. Then they had 
 other figgers plays, I should call em and 
 mazin silly ones, too, for growed up men aiiu 
 wimmin to partake together in. One w r as " Puss 
 in the corner," where they put a lady inter each 
 corner of the room, and then let five gentlemen 
 make a dive for em. Of course the spry ones 
 walked off with a pardner, and left the fifth feller 
 alone lookin silly enough, and everybody smiled. 
 I didn t, though, I thought it was real embarassin 
 for the poor young man. 
 
 I mustn t forget to tell ye that there was a 
 table in one cornei;where they kept the "favors." 
 " Favors" are little fancy things ; silk wheel 
 barrers, rosettes, and parasols, and anything cute 
 and pretty to look at, and of no other mortal use. 
 Though Sophiar said that sometimes they give 
 real useful presents. But that night they seemed 
 ter be mostly for ornament, and they pinned em 
 on to one nother, till the men, specially, looked 
 as if butterflies had lit all over their black coats. 
 
 And so they went on waltzin and waltzin , and 
 the genteel leader begun to look as if he was 
 dewin somebody a favor in holdin himself to 
 gether, and the musicianers seemed to grow tired 
 and sleepy. One o them musicianers the feller
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 6; 
 
 that blowed the horn had a very sick baby to 
 home, so Sophiar told me. Poor man, while all 
 this gaiety was goin on, his baby might be dyin . 
 Once when they was playin one of them sobbin 1 
 kind o waltzes that sounds more like death and 
 misery rhan a dancin tune, I see him put up his 
 hand and wipe away a tear. I wanted ter go and 
 ask about the baby, and tell him I felt for him, 
 but Sophiar said it wouldn t dew. 
 
 About 1 1 o clock they had refreshments, and 
 they come in jest the nick o time, tew. I don t 
 believe we could a held out much longer without 
 somethin ter kinder brace us up. Not that any 
 body appeared anxious to git anything to eat ; oh, 
 la, no indeed, fur from it ! 
 
 The ladies took the plates o chicken salud and 
 skalloped oysters with the tips o their fingers, 
 and pecked away at em with their forks as if it 
 was really a cross to have to eat. But I noticed 
 that whole plates-full disappeared somehow or 
 nother in quick time tew, and the gentlemen 
 had to step round lively to keep their pardners 1 
 wants supplied, and get a chance to eat anything 
 themselves. 
 
 There s one thing wimmin can beat the men 
 at, and that is eatiri . And they have sech a way 
 that they can make pigs o themselves and nobod) 
 know it ! 
 
 Wall, after supper we all felt better, and there 
 seemed to be ruther more sociability and talkin , 
 not any to hurt though. Sophiar says it ain t 
 considered the thing among the " alcet" to speak 
 up loud or laugh hearty, and they did all seem 
 subdood and sollum enough for a funeral, that s q 
 fact.
 
 68 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 But I heard em sayin to one nother hovvt 
 they were havin a " charmin time," " delightful 
 evenin ," and so on, and I concluded they felt 
 nore cheerful than what they looked. 
 
 To wind up with, they had a militerry figger 
 and grand march. Afore they got done marchin 
 they all pulled little gilt paper things that had 
 torpedoes inside on em and went off with a crack, 
 and out came for each one a cap or head-riggin of 
 some kind made o tissue-paper. 
 
 They was all colors and shapes ; some on em 
 was harnsome and some on em was hidgeous, hut 
 howsomever, they straightened em out as well as 
 they could and put em on their heads. I did 
 think I should die to see em ! Such a ridicker- 
 Jous sight as they was ! One big man with a 
 beard all over his face, had on a little white, baby 
 night-cap, tied under his chin ! And another 
 little mite of a man looked fierce enough in a 
 great red helmet, with an awful green eye a-top 
 on t ! If them men had been anywheres else, I m 
 sartin they couldn t a been hired to make them 
 selves look so silly ! 
 
 I guess the wimmin enjoyed their caps the 
 most, though they seemed anxious to know if 
 they was becomin , and I see some changin goin 
 on. Most on em wore their riggin all through 
 the dance, which was, as I said, a militerry figger. 
 Sophiarand James give me their caps and favors 
 to bring home and show the folks. 
 
 I was glad when it was over, specially on ac 
 count o the poor musicianer with the sick baby 
 waitin 1 for him to home. I guess his wife was 
 glad to see him, and I hope the baby got well, 
 but I hain t heard.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 69 
 
 THE STORY OF "HARNSOME MARIAR. 
 
 RELATED BY THE DEACON S WIFE. 
 
 " I am dretful strong on temperance, to begin 
 with as a woman in my posishun orter be. You 
 see I ve been president of the " W. C. T. U. O. C." 
 (which stands for The Wimmins Christian Tem 
 perance Union of Crabtown ) goin on four year, 
 and durin that hull time, I ve looked arter the 
 interests o the socierty faithful, set on the plat 
 form to all the meetin s and interdooced the 
 speakers. Though Caleb Jason that s my hus 
 band alwers makes a fuss ; says he don t want 
 his wife " stuck up there long with a pack o old 
 maids and widders, most on em humly enough 
 to make a decent man sick tew his stummick !" 
 
 I says, "Caleb Jason, they be plain I ll low; 
 but you must recolleck that the repersent 
 principles." 
 
 Still, between you n me, notwithstandin my 
 posishun, I ain t so clear on some pints respectin 
 the temperance question as what I d like to be : 
 that is, as to ways and means, and so on. I don t 
 feel quite sartin that prohibishion would settle the 
 matter to once, and moril swazion don t seem to 
 fill the bill exackly ; so there I be. Though I ve 
 alwers done what I could to carry out both 
 principles.
 
 70 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 We ve got all sorts o workers in our Socierty 
 and all on em is in ded arnest too, I tell ye, 
 There s some that goes round the country anner- 
 lizin all the likker they can git hold on, so s ter 
 tell what s in it to the meetin s. Seem s if they 
 
 j 
 
 found everything under the sun in it though 
 pizen s the principal ingregient. But la, folks 
 would drink it if it was all pizen, and the likker 
 dealers know it, and have been gradually workin 
 up tew it for some time. I dunno s the pizen 
 argyment is a mite stronger n any other. 
 
 Then agin, some bring in long likker bills and 
 foot em up on the black-board, ter show how 
 much money is fooled away, and then go on to 
 kalkerlate how many barrels o flower and bangle 
 bracelets the same sum would pervide the drunk 
 ard s family. This argyment is naterally popular 
 with the wimmin folks. 
 
 A good many of our members is strong for 
 Wimmin s Rights ; think if wimmin could vote, 
 the hull bizness would be settled ter once by law. 
 But for my part, I hain t much faith in the law ; 
 and I d ruther my men folks would go inter the 
 front door to git their drinks than sneak round 
 to the back door. It looks more respecktable, 
 somehow. 
 
 Last year, when we found that Jonas Hapgood 
 was goin to Congress, \ve felt pretty chirk, I tell 
 ye ; for he d alwcrs been a red-hot temperance 
 and wimmin s rights man, and we thought he d 
 give us quite a boost. So the Socierty sent me 
 off post-haste to interview him. 
 
 He received me with open arms, as it were, 
 and told me that I could " asshure the sisters of
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 7> 
 
 the W. C. T. U. O. C. that his hull heart was 
 theirn," and so on. He took hold o my hand 
 and squeezed and squeezed it seemed as if he 
 wouldn t never let go, till finally, for decency s 
 sake, I put an end to it, and says I, laughin : 
 
 " Brother Hapgood, we don t want your heart* 
 couldn t make no airthly use on t ; but if you ll 
 pledge yourself to vote for us that is, in the in 
 terests o Prohibishion and Wimmin s Rights, we 
 shall be perfeckly satisfied," says I. 
 
 Upon that he hemmed and hawed, and man- 
 aged to let himself down and out as slick as 
 grease. I couldn t find no fault with his manners, 
 that s a fact ! But we made up our minds that 
 men and women don t haul tergether very well in 
 politicks not as a gineral thing. 
 
 We ve got a " Reform Club" in Crabtown, and 
 it s done a power o good. You see, the way we 
 manage, we set all the reformed drunkards to 
 watchin one nother, and it s a good way. " It 
 takes a thief to ketch a thief," ye know. 
 
 And \ve keep up the interest in our meetin s 
 by securin for every Sunday night some dretful 
 specimen of a sot, and gittin him to sign the 
 pledge, and then go up on the platform and tell 
 his experience or sing a song. The more dis- 
 repytable he looks, the more of a success we con 
 sider him ; and if we can fetch him in when he is 
 a little fnite boozy, so much the better the morii 
 effeck I mean. But arter all s said and done, some 
 times I feel about discouraged, and, as I tell Caleb 
 Jason, it doos seem as if the only sure way ter 
 keep folks from drinkin rum is to sew up t/ieir 
 mouths / and then they d pour it into their ears
 
 /2 ADVENTURES <~>F AN OLD MAID. 
 
 through a tunnil fur s I know! It doos heat 
 all! 
 
 Did I ever tell you what a time I had with my 
 Mariar? " Harnsome Mariar" they called her, 
 and she was a beauty, no mistake. She worked 
 for me bout three months last year ; that s the 
 way I happened to know her. I wouldn t have 
 anybody think that I m in the habit o keepin a 
 hired girl. I sh d be ashamed and mortified 
 enough ! No ; when I m in my usual health I 
 wouldn t take the gift o the best help in the 
 world ! If my mother before me did her own 
 work, and made butter and cheese the year round, 
 ter say nothin o soap-makin , house-cleanin , and 
 picklin , and perservin all extry, with a family o 
 nine children, I must be smart if I can t dew the 
 work for myself and Caleb Jason and Jerry ! 
 With all the modern improvements tew the 
 patent bakers and bilers and washin -machines 
 and carpet-sweepers I m sure the garret is full 
 on em ! 
 
 But there was a while last spring, when I got 
 all run down, and a good many days I seemed 
 ter need somebody to kinder fill up the garps. 
 Then I heard o Mariar. I was told that she d 
 been onfortunit, and had been in the habit o 
 drinkin some ; but that her husband led her into 
 t and was to blame for it, and that she hatecf and 
 dispised the hull thing herself, and had left him 
 for the sake o tryin to be a decent woman. 
 
 Of course I was interested in her to once, and 
 took her right inter my home and heart, as ye 
 m ght say. 
 
 She was awful lady-like as well as harnsome
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 73 
 
 and I felt at fust pretty much as if I was the 
 hired girl. The deacon used to say I treated her 
 like company, and he should think I d put on the 
 best chiny for her to use every day. 
 
 Anyway, I did take a great fancy to her, and 1 
 declare I forgot all about her ever drinkin fore 
 she d been- with me a week. 
 
 It was goin on two months arter she come 
 that she went down town of an arrant one day, 
 and j^mefc along supper-time no Mariar, and I 
 begun to wonder what kep her. 
 
 Bimeby a hack drove inter the door-yard, and 
 who -should pitch out head fust inter the snow 
 bu mfvjMariar ! Wall, the driver helped her up 
 onto tffe .piazzer and drove away grinnin . 
 
 I hadn t never seen a drunken man close tew, 
 to say nothin of a drunken ivoman ! I was 
 dumfoundered ! 
 
 I went up to her and touched her shoulder, 
 and says I, " I wanter know if this is you, 
 Mariar." 
 
 " Wall, I should smile!" says Mariar, winkin 
 one black eye at me. Her bunnit was way offn 
 "her head, and she looked dretful rowdyish. 
 
 " Ain t ye shamed o yourself ?" says I, pullin 
 on her bunnit and jerkin her down into a cheer. 
 " Give an account o yourself. Where ve ye been 
 and what a-dewin ?" says I. 
 
 " Oh," says she, beginnin to whimper, " I was 
 took on the street with one o my terrible spells 
 and had to call a hack ter fetch me home." 
 
 "Mariar," says I, real sollum, "you ve been a 
 drinkin sperits I smell em on your breath !" 
 
 " Of course I have !" she says, as bold as brass.
 
 74 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID.. 
 
 I had ter go into a store and git a little some- 
 thin fore I could come home. What would you 
 have me dew ?" 
 
 I looked at her sharp, but I didn t hardly know 
 what to think. I hadn t never heard bout no 
 " spells" afore. 
 
 " I feel dretful sicK now," she says, " and I wish 
 I could go to bed. I shall be all right in the 
 morninV 
 
 She couldn t walk straight, and she groaned 
 and made a terrible fuss. I helped her into her 
 room and took off her things, and she laid 
 down. 
 
 The deacon was away gone delergate to a 
 Convention and there wa n t nobody in the 
 house but me n Jerry that s my little boy aim 
 Mariar. 
 
 I looked in on Mariar bout dark and spoke to 
 her, but she seemed all right, so I left her and 
 went off to bed. 
 
 In the middle o the night I happened to wake 
 up, and thought I d jest go and see how she was ; 
 and, wall there she laid, white as any marble 
 statoo ! And when I begged on her to speak 
 and tell me if she was dead, she only rolled up 
 her eyes a little grain ; that was all ! 
 
 I routed up Jerry and sent him off post-haste 
 after the doctor ; and in a few minutes he come 
 along puffin and out o breath. He give one 
 look at my Mariar and bust out a-laughin . 
 
 " You ve sarved me a fine trick," says he, 
 " haulin me out o bed this cold night for this 
 ere." 
 
 " Doctor," says I, layin my hand on her cold
 
 ADVENTURES OF Atf OLD MAID. ?$ 
 
 forrid, "don t joke in the chamber o death ! I 
 can see that she s dyin !" 
 
 " Dyiri ! Drunk, you mean," says the doctor; 
 " dead drunk /" 
 
 Then he asked me bout it, and I told him how 
 she come home, and how she peared and all. 
 
 " Where s her bottle ?" he asks. " She s been 
 drinkin all night. Where s her bottle ?" 
 
 "Her bottle /" I screams. " Do you mean ter 
 say that the creatur has been a-drinkin and 
 carousin right here under my nose, and me presi 
 dent of a temperance socierty, and a deacon s wife 
 ter boot !" 
 
 " Jest so," says the doctor, dry s a chip. 
 " She s been on a bust, as ye might say, right 
 here in your bedroom, Mis Jones." 
 
 I declare you might a knocked me down with 
 a pin-feather. 
 
 Wall, he went on rummagin round under the 
 bed and pullin out burow drawers, and bimeby 
 sure enough he did find a great quart bottle 
 marked " Borbon Whiskey," and it was empty. 
 
 Wall, we give her a bowl o strong cofFy, and 
 the doctor staid with us a little while, bein I was 
 alone and so kinder upsot. Towards mornin 
 Mariar begun to come tew. 
 
 When she could speak, she turns her great 
 harnsome eyes on to the doctor and says she, 
 
 " Doctor, did you ever see so good-lookin i 
 woman as I be, in sech a miser ble condishun 
 afore ?" 
 
 " No, I hope not," says he. She drawed in a 
 long breath. " So young, so beautiful, so onfor- 
 tinit," she sighs.
 
 76 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " Nothin o the kind !" says the doctor 
 " You re drunk, that s all !" 
 
 Then she begins to groan and take on, and 
 wring her hands. 
 
 " Oh," says she, awful beseechin , " won t you 
 give me somethin ter make vs\z forgit !" 
 
 " No, I won t !" snaps the doctor. " I d give 
 ye somethin ter make ye remember, though, if I 
 could !" 
 
 She see she wa n t goin to make much out o 
 him, so she turned her face over to the wall and 
 kep still. 
 
 The doctor left us pretty soon, and I made her 
 as comfortable as I could, and then went and laid 
 down. 
 
 In about an hour I heard Mariar come stum- 
 blin along out. She conic inter my room, and up 
 to my bed, cryin and wririgin her hands, and 
 says she, " Where s the bottle ? Give it to 
 me !" 
 
 " You can t have it," says I ; " and, besides, 
 there ain t nothin in it." 
 
 " Oh, give me a drop, jest one drop !" she 
 begged, lookin wild and crazy. I thought o 
 the rich man in torment, but I was firm as a 
 rock. 
 
 " Not a drop !" says I, " not a single, identikle 
 dropr 
 
 " Git me somcthiri , then," she screams in a 
 fury, " and git it quick, or I ll tear ye all ter 
 pieces !" 
 
 I sprung round and made her some morecoffv. 
 extry strong and hot, and she drank bout a qu; 1 
 and went off to bed agin.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 77 
 
 The next day she was in her right mind, but 
 weak and trembly. 
 
 /was all used up. If I hadn t been president 
 
 the " W. C. T. U. O. C.," I d a opened the 
 door and set her out on to the door stun. But 
 as it was, I thought I must consider the looks o ( 
 the thing. 
 
 Wall, I labored and talked /vith her the best I 
 knew how, and she seemed sorry and promised 
 ter dew better. She spoke o the hackman, and 
 asked if it twa n t that good-lookin Johnson that 
 fetched her home. I told her it was, and she said 
 ho\v she " hoped she didn t look like a fright if 
 she was drunk." 
 
 I felt it my dooty to tell her that her bunnit 
 was all jammed, and on one-sided, and she seemed 
 mortified enough. 
 
 All the forenoon she was ree iess and oneasy. 
 
 1 didn t know what to make on her. The doctor 
 charged me to keep her still in the house, but I 
 had hard work to dew it, I tell ye. 
 
 Fust she said a walk would make her feel better. 
 She wanted to go down to the post-offis ; she was 
 expectin a letter. I told her Jerry would go 
 down for her. 
 
 Then she said as long s she wa n t able to work, 
 she d like ter go and call on a friend. I advised 
 her to put it off a day or tew. 
 
 Then she begun to howl and dance round the 
 room ; said her tooth ached, and she must go ter 
 the dentist and have it out right off, or she should 
 go off the handle. 
 
 I put everything I could think on into hei 
 mouth for she couldn t seem to tell which tooth
 
 78 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 it was and finally when I brought out tru 
 creosote, she said she felt a little mite better, sc 
 we didn t try that. But bimeby she complained 
 o feelin faint, and asked me to open the winder 
 jest a crack. I did, and she seemed ter revive 
 right off, and said now if she only had a good cup 
 o tea she should be all right. I went out inter the 
 kitchen to make the tea had ter bile the tca^ 
 kittle and it took some time and when I come 
 back, the winder was wide open, and my Mariar 
 wa n t nowheres to be seen ! 
 
 I felt awful worked up, and I knew the doctor 
 would blame me. I waited an hour or sc, think- 
 in she d come back as quick as she d got a drink, 
 but she didn t come, so I put on my bunnit ?.nd 
 shawl and walked down street. 
 
 When I got oppersite the post-offis I met 
 Mariar a-rollin along towards me, with her bun- 
 nit hangin down her back, and she was singing as 
 loud as she could yell, somethin she lamed to 
 the " Salvation Army" meetin s. 
 
 " I am, I am the child of a king !" 
 
 There was a pack o boys to her heels, laughin 
 and makin fun, and when they see me, they hoi. 
 !ered out, 
 
 "Mis Jones! here s your Mariar ! and she says 
 how she s the child of a king / Look s like one, 
 don t she ?" 
 
 " She acts more like a child o the evil one !" 
 thinks I, but I didn t say nothin . 
 
 I got her home as quick s I could and put he; 
 to bed agin", andfollered out the same program 
 as before, only this time I didn t call the docto;
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, ?$ 
 
 " I kep* her straight a spell arter this, hut I 
 found it wa n t no use. I tried everything but 
 sewin up her mouth, and had ter give up. I got 
 so out o patience finally that I set her a-goin . I 
 didn t care if I was president of the " W. C. T. 
 U. O. C. ;" I was human all the same, and I wa? 
 all wore out. 
 
 So I got her some new clo es, and paid he; 
 fare back to her mother, and I hain t seen nci 
 heard from her sence.
 
 80 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. 
 
 A HOTEL EXPERIENCE. 
 
 A good many Crabtown folks take their meal; 
 at the hotel through the months of July and 
 August. They ruther do so than go to the beach 
 or mountings. I think, myself, it s most comfort 
 able stayin ter home the wust o the hot weather, 
 and doin your travellin and visitin when it s 
 cooler. But la, there s them that would go away 
 somewheres, jest for the name on t, if they suf 
 fered etarnal torments. It s astonishin what 
 some folks will endure for the sake o bein 
 fashnerble ! Lucy Jane was tellin me how she 
 went to the beach the summer before, and took 
 little Emmy, and she said she never worked so 
 hard nor suffered so much in the hull course of 
 her life. 
 
 You see, Emmy had to be kep dressed up in 
 clean white clo eSj and she couldn t play nor take 
 no comfort, and the consequents was that she 
 got so cross and fretty that her mother couldn t 
 do nothin with her ; and, what time she didn t 
 spend on Emmy was occupied in dressin andon- 
 dressin herself sweatirT and fussin to look as 
 well as the rest on em. So when she got home 
 she was all run down, auJ the fust thing Jake 
 that s her husband said tew her, was, that she 
 looked as if she d had a fit o sickness. "And I 
 told him," said Lucy Jane, " how t that was the 
 last time I should go awav from home in hot 
 
 o ./
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 8 I 
 
 weather, if I knew myself." So the next summer 
 she thought she d try a new plan. 
 
 You see, she didn t never keep no help (Lucy 
 Jane s a fust-rate housekeeper smart as a trap), 
 and there s only three on em, and I made four ; 
 so she says to me, " We ll take our meals to the 
 hotel. Then I shall git red o the cookin over a 
 hot stove, and that s all I want." 
 
 She asked me what I thought on t, and I told 
 her I run of a notion I should like it. So we be 
 gun the very next day. 
 
 But there was some things about it I didn t 
 like, and couldn t never git used to, I know. 
 For instance, when we undertook to set down to 
 the table, half a dozen waiters sprung forrerd, and 
 one on em grabbed my chair in both hands and 
 hild it way back. What ter dew I didn t know, 
 but I looked at Lucy Jane and tried to back in 
 ter my chair jest as she did, with the man a 
 holdin on to it. But fust I knew my lim s was 
 knocked out from under me, and I set down all 
 of a sudden ! I thought for a minnit my knees 
 was broke sure. I didn t like it, any way, and I 
 says to Lucy Jane, " When I git so I can t set 
 down ter the table alone, I ll go without eatin ! 
 says I. 
 
 She laughed, and said I d "git used tew it," but 
 i never did ; and if I could sly in and git my seat 
 without that waiter seein me, I enjoyed my din 
 ner a good deal better. But he was ginerallv 
 right on hand ; he was an awful wide-awake feller ! 
 When I was eatin , of course I had to look some- 
 wheres, and if my eye happened to lite on him for 
 a second, he d spring at me as if his life depended
 
 WH*N i GIT so i CAN T SET DOWN TER THE TABLE ALONE, I LI 
 GO WITHOUT EATIN !" SAYS i. (Page 81.) 
 
 82
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MA ft*. 83 
 
 on sarvin me. Once he gnbbed my plate and 
 was goin off with it. " See here," says I, "won t 
 you jest let my plate be ; I hain t done with it 
 jret." 
 
 " Oh," says he, terrible cut up " I beg vour 
 pardin !" 
 
 " All right," says I. I didn t wanter hurt 
 his feelin s, y:>u know, for he meant well, and 
 after that he was a little more moderate. 
 
 That hotel was a master place ter study human 
 natur . 
 
 I found out that a ^ady to home was a lady 
 to a hotel ; but some that called themselves so 
 was anything but ladies, cordin ter my mind. 
 They had a chance to show right out what they 
 was. They d find no end o fault with the waiters 
 and turn up their noses at the vittles. They d 
 order bout everything on the bill o fare, and then 
 pick it all over and leave it in a mess. I couldn t 
 a felt ter dew so more n I would ? "i a private 
 house. 
 
 We see all sorts o folks. One day a woman 
 corne in and set down to our table. She was all 
 decked out in silks and dimonds, and had abokay 
 pinned on to her stummuck as big as a wash-dish. 
 Lucy Jane said she was a "transient," but aftei 
 we see how she performed we concluded she was 
 a pig, whatever else she might be. We had 
 lobster salud on the table that day, for a kind of 
 a side dish there wa n t a great lot on r, ye know 
 it was only jest for a relish like pickles or 
 persarves. There was one dish tc each end o 
 the table. Wall, what did that creatur dew but
 
 84 ADVENTURES OP AN OLD MAID. 
 
 put her arm round the one at her end o the 
 table and dip into it as if she owned it ! 
 
 When I see that, 1 says to the lady beside o 
 me, 
 
 " Less larn her a lesson, and shame her, if 
 there s any shame tew her." "Agreed," says she 
 
 So we took the other dish o salud all there 
 was on the table, mind ye and passed it along 
 tew her. 
 
 When the woman see what was comin she 
 looked kinder puzzled for a minute, then she 
 smiled, as pleased as could be, and what did she 
 dew, but take it, and thank us, bowin her head 
 till her dimonds fairly dazzled our eyes ; and says 
 she, " I m sure you re real kind ; I m dreadful 
 fond o lobster salud !" And upon that she fell 
 tew and finished the job in no time ! We was tew 
 disgusted to even smile, but there wa n t no draw 
 backs to her enjoyment ! 
 
 Not long after the waiter set a stranger down 
 side 6 me. He was a good-natered, respectable- 
 lookin man that was all I minded about him at 
 fust ; but when he took up the bill o fare he 
 turned to me in a curi s confidin kind o way and 
 says he, 
 
 " I can t see to read this ere ; I wish you d jest 
 run over the meat list to me." So I begun to read 
 it to him low. " Roast beef, roast lamb," and so 
 on. 
 
 He put his hand up to his ear. " Won t you 
 
 speak a leetle louder ?" says he ; " I m ruther hard 
 
 i > 
 
 o heann . 
 
 So I went over it agin, so loud th^.t all the 
 folks to the table looked up to see what I was
 
 ADVEXTUKES OF AN OLD MAID. 8$ 
 
 dewin . I felt cheap enough, but I could nt re 
 fuse ter help a feller mortal piek out his dinner. 
 He finally stopped me and said he d have roast 
 beef. " I don t know much about them furrin 
 names Fillet d beef and Arly mode" says he, 
 smilin good-natered. " Plain roast beef is safest 
 for me, I guess." " Any vegetables ?" asks the 
 waiter. 
 
 The man handed the bill o fare to me agin 
 with that same confidin smile. " Read," says 
 he. 
 
 So I read ; " Squash, tomarters, green corn 
 " Stop !" says he, so quick and sharp that I bit 
 my tongue, and the waiter knocked over a goblet 
 o water. 
 
 " For massy sakes, what is it !" says I, thinkin 
 the man had lost what few senses he had. 
 
 " Nothin ," says he, "only I ll have corn ! Hain t 
 had none this year, by George ! all dried up our 
 way ! I ll have corn and turnup that ll dew" 
 and he leaned back in his chair and smacked his 
 lips. 
 
 Wall, the waiter brought his dinner, and I 
 thought my sarvices wouldn t be needed no more, 
 when all to once the man turned to me kinder 
 perplexed like, and says he, 
 
 " I wish you d be good enough to taste o my 
 pertater ; it tastes dretful queer." 
 
 I didn t dars ter refuse for fear he d make talk 
 about it, and I should be still more conspicevvous, 
 so I tasted on t. 
 
 " Lordy massy," says I, " that s your turnup ! 
 Where s your pertater ?" 
 
 " What ?" says he, puttin his hand to his ear.
 
 86 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 "Turnup !" says I. He nodded his bead and 
 laughed. 
 
 " 1 thought so," says he, " but I didn t feel quite 
 sure. S pose like enough real pertater is scaree 
 here, hey ? Think I can git some? Oh wall, all 
 right," 
 
 1 spoke to the waiter and he brought his per 
 tater. Thinks I ter myself, " Mister, you hain c 
 ot seven senses enough about ye ter travel 
 round alone ; you orter take a boy along to tend 
 tew ye. I ve done it bout as long as I want "er." 
 And I begun to eat my dinner in arnest. 
 
 Jake was tickled almost ter death. He d been 
 nudgin me under the table all the time. Every 
 body \vas lookin at me, and there was some 
 laughin , but I felt as if I wa n t ter blame and 
 tried to look carm and dignerfied 
 
 When \ve got through our dinner we went out 
 and left the man I d had the care on still eatin . 
 Lucy Jane and I, we ahvers had ter wait a spell 
 in the parlor for Jake, while he went into the 
 office to see a friend or transack some business or 
 nother, and so we was a settin there laughin and 
 Calkin about what had happened, when who 
 should walk in but the very man himself, and he 
 comes over to me, and says with that curi s con- 
 fidrn smile o hisn, 
 
 " Young \voman, I don t know who you br, 
 but you ve got a kind heart and a brave one. Do 
 you think I didn t see how embarrissed you was 
 ter the table ? Lord love ye, I can see some 
 things without my spe tacles, if I can t see ter 
 read, nor tell turnup from pertater ! And now," 
 says he, fumblin in his pockets, " I want er give
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 87 
 
 this to remember me by, and to remind ye 
 of your goodness to a stranger." So sayin , he 
 hauled a little ring out of his pocket, and 
 presented it tew me on the spot. 
 
 I was shamed enough to think how I d felt 
 towards him, and I colored up red s a beet. 
 
 " I couldn t think o takin it, mister," said I, 
 " If I ve done anything .D help you, you re 
 welcome, and more tew." 
 
 " Hut, tut !" said he ; I m older n you be ; piay 
 I m your uncle now, as I wish I was, and take 
 the little ring--comc. When I see how he felt 
 I accepted on t with the fears in my eyes, and I ve 
 wore it ever Fence. 
 
 The next day when the ladies plagued me 
 about my "charge," as they called him, I showed 
 ena the ru;~ and they agreed that I was well paid 
 
 Jake savs if- is * ^imvwd of the fust water.
 
 88 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 THE NEWFANGLED SCHOOL. 
 
 When I was down to my niece s last winter, I 
 went with her one day to visit the school where 
 her little boy, James Ed ard, goes, and wall, it 
 did beat all ! 
 
 I know there s been great reforms and kn- 
 provements in the schools in some respects sence 
 my day, and the best on t is, doin away with 
 them old barberous punishments. Why, when I 
 was young, a teacher that happened to have a 
 cruel disposishion could turn his school into a 
 regelar inquisishion, if he was a mind tew ! 
 
 There was some terrible torturin punishments 
 that was common everywheres. To stand with 
 our heads in the table-drawer ; to stoop over and 
 hold the tip of the finger on the head of a nail in 
 the floor ; settin on nothin aginst the side o the 
 house; standin with our thum s tied to a high 
 nail in the wall, and a lot more that it makes my 
 blood bile to remember ! 
 
 Why, it was a common practis with teachers 
 to throw their ruler full drive at any scholar they 
 happened to ketch in mischief. No thanks to 
 the teacher that it didn t kill every time ! 
 
 But some things was w r ell enough as they was, 
 cordin to my way o thinkin . Now. didn t it 
 look beautiful and respeckful for the school to 
 rise when a visitor come in ? And how can a 
 class show off to better advantage than standin in
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 89 
 
 the floor to recite, in a nice straight line, heads 
 up, hands behind em, eyes on the teacher ? 
 
 I don t know as it is vvuth while to mention the 
 water-pail and tin-dipper business, but I do say it 
 was a good institution for all consarned, and I, 
 for one, miss it. 
 
 To return to my story, I don t s pose I should 
 ever thought o goin into school that day, if my 
 little nephew s actions hadn t riled me up as you 
 might say. He was jest in his second term o 
 school and was all took up with his figgers. Used 
 to add and subtrack in his sleep ; lugged his tables 
 round with him wherever he went ; couldn t 
 hardly eat a meal o vittles without havin em side 
 of his plate. But I undertook to hear him say 
 em one day, and lawful sakes, I couldn t make 
 no head nor tail on t ! What he could say was 
 all well and good, but what he couldnt say I 
 couldn t larn him no more n s if I d spoke in a 
 heathin tongue not a mite ! 
 
 I alwers thought 8 and 8 was 16, and that that 
 was all there was to it ; but it wa n t enough for 
 him. He said hovv t his teacher used things to 
 count up by splintzes he called em and he 
 couldn t and, wouldn t larn my way. 
 
 I argered with him. " Why, see here, James 
 Ed ard," says I, "8 and 8 is 16, ain t it? All 
 you ve got to do is to remember it. Can t ye jest 
 remember it ?" But I see it wa n t no kind o 
 use, and had to give it up. I felt awful galled, 
 though to think I couldn t larn nothin to a little 
 feller like him. 
 
 I goes to his mar, and says I, " Sofrony, that 
 teacher o James Ed ard s ought to be looked after.
 
 go ADVENTURES OF AX OLD MAID. 
 
 The idee that a young one can t larn his tables 
 without a mess o splintzes and things redicker> 
 lous !" says I. " Why don t they jest say em 
 over n over till they Jam em, as we used to ? 
 Massy sakes ! I bet I ve said them tables over to 
 myself more n ten thousand times if I have once ! 
 That s the way to do it." 
 
 " Yes, I know," says Sofrony, " that was the 
 old-fashioned way o doin ; but I believe they 
 think that was tew mecanikle. Oh, there s lots o 
 newfangled notions nowdays, Aunt Ruth ! But 
 I tell ye what, you and me 11 go into school to- 
 morrer, and see jest how and all about it. What 
 do ye say ?" 
 
 " Wall," says I, " I don t care if I do. I alwers 
 was interested in the cause o edication ; but I 
 shan t encourage no upstart notions norswaller no 
 nonsense." 
 
 So we went, and I can t begin to tell all we see 
 and heard. 
 
 In the fust place, the school-house was nice 
 enough for Queen Victory s children ; all fitted 
 up in great shape with steam-pipes and ventilators 
 and maps and picters and so on. I couldn t help 
 contrastin it with the little oldyeller school-house 
 at home, with its slantin floors and rough pine 
 benches. Then, agin, I remembered how it used 
 to be when company- come into school. , How 
 kinder flustered and bashful the children alwers 
 felt, and the teacher, too, for that matter. But 
 ia ! they didn t mind no more about Sofrony and 
 me, than if we d been two flies come buzzin in at 
 the winder. 
 
 " Ladies," says the teacher, after she d Viewed
 
 ADVENl^URES OF AN OLD MAID. g\ 
 
 us some seats, " we are jest now engaged on our 
 exercises in Rithmetic." 
 
 We see the children was all huddled round a 
 long table littered over with what I took to be 
 the splintzes james Ed ard had told about, and 
 piles of commou pebble-stones. 
 
 The splintzes wa n t nothin under the sun but 
 little bits o wood cut all of a size somethin like 
 toothpicks. Wall, the boys and girls was a-stand- 
 in round this table, as I said, and when the 
 teacher asked em a question, they made a unan- 
 ymus dive for them splintzes and stones and 
 begun to count and lay em in piles afront of em. 
 
 James Ed ward got his done fust, and he raised 
 his hand and waved it and snapped it, as if he 
 was crazy to let everybody know how smart he 
 was. 
 
 The teacher waited a few minutes so s to give 
 em plenty of time ; then she called for the answer 
 and they all yelled it out together, loud enough 
 to split your head open. There was quite a num 
 ber of questions, and after they got through I says 
 to the teacher, 
 
 " I hope you ll excuse me, marm, but I should 
 like to ask if it wouldn t be more comfortable for 
 you and the scholars save your narves and heads, 
 as it were if you d have em larn these lessons in 
 their seats by studyin of em, and then come out 
 in the floor in a harnsome line and recite em 
 quiet and orderly, like rashional bein s. I jest 
 want to inquire," says I. 
 
 The teacher colored up as red s a beet and I 
 was afraid she was mad, but she answered me very 
 perlite.
 
 92 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " Our method is new to you. perhaps, and seems 
 odd ?" 
 
 " Yes, it does, that s a fact ;" says I. " It seems 
 like makin a great fuss about nothin ." 
 
 " I hope you will think better of it by and by, 
 when you have obsarved its workin s," says she. 
 I thought I shouldn t probably do no sech thing, 
 but I didn t say so. 
 
 Wall, after they took their seats the teacher 
 went round and give every scholar a picter. I 
 see James Ed ard s was a picter of a man strut- 
 tin along in the rain with an umbrell over his 
 head. A lot o folks was lookin after him, and 
 underneath was printed, " Jonas Hanway and His 
 Umbrell? 
 
 The teacher called James Ed ard s name fust, and 
 he marched out into the floor as big as life. He 
 looked at his picter a minute and then he begun 
 he pitched his voice way up high and says 
 he, 
 
 " I have a picter of a man with an umbrell ; I 
 see some folks starin after him ; three girls and 
 a man, and a boy with a baskit over his head. 
 The man feels big because he s got the only um 
 brell in town, and their starin at him so only 
 makes him feel all the bigger. I guess he s a 
 stingy old chap or he d let somebody go under 
 along of him looks like it, anyway. Go it, old 
 Skinflint !" 
 
 Of course the scholars all laughed, and the 
 teacher turned to explain. 
 
 "You see, ladies," says she, "this exercise 
 brings out individooal thought. You obsarvt
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 93 
 
 also, that they re allowed perfeck freedom of ex 
 pression ; we make all corrections afterwards." 
 
 " They do express themselves powerful free, 
 that s a fact, marm," says I. " And what do you 
 call this exercise ?" 
 
 " Oh, it s a part of our system of objeck teach- 
 in , " says she. 
 
 " Hum, I know all about that, jest like a book. 
 I ve had it afore. That man s the good samari- 
 tan. He was the best o the lot. He told the 
 landlord to take the poor tramp in to his hotel 
 and do up his sores in mutton taller, and give him 
 everything good to eat gingerbread and candy 
 and peanuts, you know," lookin round at the 
 other boys, " and he d foot the bills. He was a 
 brick you bet !" 
 
 And so they went on a dozen or more of em, 
 and it did seem as if each one tried to say somethin 
 more redickerlous than the rest. I couldn t help 
 laughin if I died for t, but I didn t approve on t 
 by no manner o means. 
 
 The singin master come in before they got 
 through with the picters, but they left right off 
 and hustled them away in a hurry. They was all 
 smilin and noddin to him as if they was dretful 
 glad to see him, and he seemed fond of them, and 
 talked to em as if he d been their par. 
 
 "Now," says he "here s the Thanksgivin 
 Song you all know about Thanksgivin ?" 
 
 " You bet we do !" says one, and "yes, yes !" all 
 over the room. 
 
 "Wall, then," says he "you must sing this 
 piece extry nice to-day," and after they d sung it 
 he pats one little girl on the head and looks
 
 94 ADVENTURES OP AN OLD MAID. 
 
 round on em all smilin , and says, " Well done, 
 well done ! How would you like to play you re 
 all my children, and spread a great big table right 
 here, and have our thanksgivin all together ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes sir !" says the little girl, eager as can 
 be, "and play that you was the par and teacher 
 was the mar, and we was all your little girls and 
 boys !" 
 
 " Splendid !" says the singin master ; but I 
 noticed he seemed kinder cut up, and he set em 
 to singin agin as quick s he could convenient. 
 We found out afterwards that he was payin ten- 
 tion to the teacher, and I guess them scholars 
 knew it ! 
 
 After he d gone, they had one more exercise, and 
 that was all. Each scholar made up a question 
 in rithmetic, and some on em was remarkable 
 good, I must say. The only trouble \vas, that 
 they got noisy and out of order, same s they did 
 about everything else. They didn t seem to be 
 afraid o nobody nor nothin , and they was all 
 wide-awake and sharp and keen as razors, every 
 one of em. I couldn t help bein interested in 
 the little rogues, and I should admire to know 
 how they all turned out when they grew up. 
 
 This was one little girl s example : " If I weigh 
 48 Ibs. and my grandmar weighs 150 Ibs. and 
 Mary Jane Cross 50 Ibs., what is the sum of our 
 weight ? Answer 248 Ibs." 
 
 " But I don t weigh 50 Ibs.," speaks up Mary 
 Jane, pert as you please. " I only weigh 47 Ibs." 
 
 " I do," says another ; " I weigh jest 50 Ibs. ex 
 actly." 
 
 " And I weigh twenty," says another. They ali
 
 ADVRNTURKS OF AA T OLD MAID. 95 
 
 begun to tell their own weight and their grand 
 mother s and everybody s else, all hollerin to 
 gether. 
 
 The teacher couldn t make herself heard till she 
 rung her bell loud and long. Then she spoke up 
 to em pretty sharp, and they simmered down 
 wonderful quick, I must say, considerin . 
 
 When they d got through with all their doin s 
 and exercises, I riz up in my seat, and says I, " If 
 you hain t no objections I should like to ask your 
 scholars a few common-sense questions," says I. 
 
 Sofrony she pinched my arm to stop me, but I 
 didn t mind nothin about her. I had my sus 
 picions that there was some things outside o their 
 new method wuth knowin that hadn t been 
 tended to in that school, and I meant to show 
 that teacher and them scholars that I knew a 
 thing or two, if I was edicated before they was 
 born. 
 
 The teacher seemed very willin to comrnodate 
 me, and says, 
 
 " Oh, sartinly, ask as many questions as you 
 please." 
 
 " In the fust place," says I, "can I have the 
 class come out in the floor and toe this ere crack ? 
 I do think it s an awful lazy way for em to recite 
 in their seats." 
 
 " Sartinly, sartinly," says she again. So she 
 called em all out into the floor, and after they d 
 tumbled over each other and stepped on one 
 nother s toes, and pushed and hauled awhile, I 
 got em into somethin like a straight line. 
 
 " Now, children," says I, " tend to me. Who 
 made you ? "
 
 9$ ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 "Adam and Eve ! God! George Washing 
 ton ! " they shouted before the question was fairly 
 out of my mouth. 
 
 I turned round and looked at the teacher, but 
 I didn t say nothin . 
 
 " It was ruther onexpected, perhaps," she be 
 gun to say. 
 
 "They orter know who made em any time ! " 
 says I, short s pie-crust. 
 
 " Children," says I next, can you repeat the 
 Ten Commandments ? " 
 
 This time they didn t try to answer ; they jest 
 looked at one nother and squirmed round and 
 grinned. 
 
 " Perhaps the lady will kindly repeat em to 
 you," says the teacher very perlite, but I could 
 see that she thought she d got me." 
 
 " I didn t come here to teach," says I, " that s 
 your business. I m simply findin out what these 
 scholars know and what they dont know." 
 
 Wall, I asked ern a number o questions, and 
 they couldn t answer one on em proper ; they 
 couldn t even repeat the Ten Commandments. 
 
 " There s one thing we can do," says I when 1 
 got through with my questions, " we can show 
 em what perliteness is, can t we, children ? Now 
 all put your hands behind ye and make your man 
 ners so" says I, standin up and makin a ham- 
 some bow. " I want you to do it all together, 
 unanymous, and then turn and go to your seats 
 still s mice," and I made em do it ; but I had to 
 work a while fust. They d never done it before 
 in their lives, you know. 
 
 When I set down the teacher smiled, and says
 
 ADVENTURES OF Aiv OLD MAID. 97 
 
 she, " You ought to go into the business, 
 madam." Now, wasn t it real nice and forgivin 
 in her to say that after I d took her down so ? I 
 think she must have had an oncommon good dis 
 position anyway. 
 
 When she d dismissed the school and we was 
 left alone I shook hands with her, and says I, 
 " I m obleeged to ye for lowin me so much 
 liberty with your scholars, and you must excuse 
 me if I ve hurt your feelin s. Don t be discour 
 aged ; you^re young and you ll improve. Only 
 give the Ten Commandments and a few other 
 things a leetle more prominence and pay more 
 tention to order you do lack order that s your 
 great failin . Why, woman alive with sech bright, 
 affectionate children, you ought to be able to keep 
 per feck order." 
 
 " Madam," says she, straightenin up a little 
 haughty, "I beg leave to insist that my scholars 
 are under per feck control. You mistake the 
 freedom of our system for disorder, and you make 
 a great mistake. I do assure you." 
 
 " You can assure me all you want to," says 1, 
 " but you can t deny that them children have 
 acted like Sam Hide this forenoon, now can ye ? " 
 says I. 
 
 " I ve no acquaintance with the boy you men 
 tion," says she, " but one thing is sartin, these 
 same scholars that you find so bright and wide 
 awake to-day would appear only ordinary under 
 the restrictions of the old method." 
 
 Sofrony she d been nudgin me and makin 1 
 signs to me to come along for some time, so now 
 I says,
 
 98 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " Wall, wall, never mind. Let s shake hands 
 agin and part friends, and good day to you." 
 
 She said " Good day " as pleasant as could be, 
 and we come away. 
 
 " Sofrony," says I as soon as we was out o 
 hearin , them be the smartest set o boys and girls 
 I bout ever come acrost, that s a fact. I wa n t 
 a goin to give in to her, ye know, but between 
 vou n me, I shouldn t wonder if their new mctliod 
 was a pretty good one after all, only they had 
 ought to learn em the Ten Commandments ; I ll 
 stick to that." 
 
 " Stick to it then all you want to," snapped 
 Sofrony, " but for my part I m all wore out, and 
 I wish to massy I hadn t a gone ! LV let s hurry 
 home and git a good cup o tea !
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 99 
 
 SHE GOES TO THE DENTIST. 
 
 I can t say I like these ere modern improve 
 ments in dentistry. Years ago, old Doctor 
 Dwight did some work on my teeth, and I re 
 member I felt, when he got through, as if it had 
 been kind of a mutual thing, and he d suffered 
 a most as much as I had myself. 
 
 He pulled out one tooth and filled another, 
 and wall, the fillin didn t hurt much ; only the 
 scrapin and borin ruther tried my narves. But 
 on the whole, t want a great sight wuss than 
 cleanin up a kittle that plum sass or hasty pud- 
 din has burnt onto. But the pulliri , t/iat was a 
 different thing! I hild on to the chair with all 
 my might and main, and the old doctor he hild on 
 to the tooth, and when he give the final jerk, as 
 you might call it, it was a wonder he didn t hist 
 me and the chair and all clean up through the 
 sky light ! He would if the chair hadn t been 
 fastened down pretty strong. 
 
 I remember I give one groan, enough to wake 
 the dead, and theie stood the old doctor a 
 sweatin and puffin , but holdin up my tooth in 
 triump ! Then he and me, we congratulated 
 one nother, and I went away feelin that we was 
 friends and feller bein s. 
 
 That s a good many years ago, as I said, but 
 the other day I had casion to go to the dentist s 
 agin, and as Doctor D wight is dead, I went to his
 
 100 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 successor, naterally. The new dentist is a ham- 
 some, smart lookin young feller, as one could 
 wish to see, and he come out o his little room, 
 smilin and hummin a tune. His shirtbosom and 
 wris buns was as white as snow, and he looked 
 spick and span all over. He was a master nice, 
 clean lookin feller, and I took tew him to once. 
 
 Wall, he said how t he could tend right tew 
 m, so I laid off my bunnit and went in and set 
 down in his big chair, and watched him while he 
 was gittin ready for me. He was goin to dew 
 the fillin fust, he said ; so he went round from 
 one drawer to another, collectin his things to 
 gether. Fust he brought out a great tray kiv- 
 ered with little steel instruments that looked jest 
 like croshay hooks, of different sizes ; then a little 
 box o gold leaf and a thin sheet of injy rubber. 
 
 He hummed away at his tune all the time, and 
 seemed as happy as if he was gittin ready to go 
 and see his girl. I told him so, and he laughed 
 but didn t say nothin , and I wondered whuther or 
 no he was a married man. 
 
 When he d got all his tools and things laid out 
 handy he brought along a couple of nice, clean, 
 white napkins and laid em in my lap. 
 
 " Oh la, now, you take them away, and I ll use 
 my handkerchif," says I, " save jest so much 
 vvashin ye know." 
 
 " Oh," says he, smilin, " that s no consequence : 
 my wife does her own washin ." 
 
 So he was married, and he didn t care how hard 
 his \vife worked, nuther ! 
 
 Wall, the next thing he did was to shove a 
 curis lookin machine up alongside o my chair,
 
 ADVEN l UKES OF AN OLD MAID. IOI 
 
 and after examinin my teeth a minnit he actew- 
 ally put the little end o that machine into my 
 mouth and vvorkin it with one foot, begun to 
 drill away at my tooth as if I d been a stun or a 
 statu ! 
 
 As quick as it begun to grind and buz, I 
 twitched his hand away, machine and all, and 
 says I, 
 
 " Look a here, young man, I ain t use ter bein 
 run by machinery, and I want to inquire into this 
 a little. How does your machine know when to 
 stop, and so on ? What s to hender it s goin clear 
 through me, as you might say ?" 
 
 He smiled as innercent as a baby, and says he, 
 " Oh, I ll look out for it ; it shan t do any harm, I 
 promise you !" 
 
 Then he went on to explain how it was the 
 greatest invention of the age. Said " all the 
 Icadin dentists in the country used em," and so 
 forth. 
 
 " If that s the case," I says "go ahead. I ll try 
 to be accommodatin , but you must leave off 
 singin and tend right to your machine every min 
 nit, and I do hope you ll bear in mind that it s a 
 human cretur, and not a stun, that you re a drillin 
 of." 
 
 He promised he would and in a few minnitshe 
 had my tooth ready to fill. Then come some- 
 thin wust of all yit. He picks up that littk 
 square sheet of injy rubber, claps it inter my 
 mouth quick s a wink, and stretches it over my 
 lower jaw somehow, so that only the tooth he 
 was workin on, stuck through, and fastens it down 
 with a sort of clamp.
 
 102 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 At fust I couldn t breathe nor swaller much 
 less speak but I managed to let him know by 
 signs and fistin what I thought on t, and he be 
 gun to explain agin. 
 
 " It s all right, I assure you, madam," says he, 
 very perlite, " and you won t be inconvenyenced 
 after you git a little customed to it." 
 
 " Customed to it !" thinks I to myself, " I shall 
 die fust !" and I should a gone into histericks, 
 but I couldn t laugh with that thing in my mouth, 
 so I tried to carm down and think I could stan 
 it if other folks could. But I never suffered so 
 much in the hull course o my life ; and I cun l 
 say I was in actewal pain nuther ! The fact was, 
 I was mad! I wa n t willin to be run by 
 machinery, as I said afore, nor to have my mouth 
 filled up with injy rubber or any pizen thing he 
 see fit to stuff in ! But after all, I blamed sience 
 the most. What bizness had sience to go and 
 invent sech disagreeable, disrespeckful ways o 
 tloin things ! 
 
 Wall, that young man worked away half an 
 hour as if he enjoyed every minnit of it, if 1 
 didn t, and I tried to be patient, knowin it 
 couldn t last forever. I was beginning to git into 
 quite a resigned and comfortable frame o mind, 
 when all to once he stops work and pricks up his 
 ears to listen. 
 
 Sure enough, there was a hand orgin out in 
 the street, an oncommon good one, too, and it 
 was play in a tune from the opery of " Patience." 
 
 " How propriate," thinks I to myself, "that s 
 jest what I m in need of -patience 1 
 
 Then, what does that dentist do but drop his
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. IO3 
 
 croshay hook and pick up his hat in a hurry. 
 " Excuse me one moment, madam," he says to 
 me, "and don t you on any account move your 
 head or stir while I m gone ; I ll be right back." 
 Upon that, he runs down stairs and leaves me a 
 settin there with my mouth propped wide open, 
 wonderin what had struck him all of a sudden. 
 
 Wall, I waited five minnits by the clock and 
 he didn t come back. I begun to feel worried 
 about him ; thought p raps he d fell in a fit, or 
 broke his neck or somethin . But bimeby, I left 
 off worryin about him and began to think ex- 
 cloosively of myself! Oh, how tired I was ! My 
 neck ached and my jaws ached, and I was in 
 cramps and pains all over ! I didn t dare to move 
 much, for I didn t know whatmischif it might do, 
 ye know ; but I did move a little mite, and then I 
 set and waited fifteen minnits or so more, till I 
 couldn t stan it no longer. Then I kicked over 
 his old drillin machine and the tray of croshay 
 hooks, and got up and looked out o the winder. 
 
 As true as I m a livin woman, there stood that 
 dentist on the sidewalk smokin a cigar and 
 watchin a performin bear ! The hand orgin was 
 still playin lively, and there was quite a crowd o 
 men and boys gethered round, but there wa n t 
 one o the lot enjoyin himself so much as my 
 dentist ! 
 
 Oh, I was ravin , tear in mad ! I d a gin a dol 
 lar bill in a minnit to been able to speak to him, 
 but I couldn t ye know, on account o the injy 
 rubber, so I took my sun-shade and pounded on 
 the winder like all possesst. 
 
 When he turned and see me, he bust out a
 
 IO4 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 laughin ! I s pose I did look redickerlous enough 
 but wan t it aggravatin ! 
 
 As quick as he come in I pulled at the old injy 
 rubber and tore round, till he see it had got to 
 come out to once. My face was hot as fire, and 
 I guess he suspicioned he d ketch it whenever I 
 could speak, for he was the longest while gettin 
 on t out o my mouth tellin me all the time in 
 that smooth way o his n how sorry he was and 
 so on. 
 
 " Madam," says he, kinder mournful like, " I ve 
 been subjeck to sech fits of abstrackshun for a 
 number o years, and my wife she s beginnin to 
 feel worried about me." 
 
 I told him I should think she would, and ad* 
 vised him as a friend to take somethin for em 
 right off, or they might git him into trouble, and 
 he promised me he d do so. He urged me to 
 stop and have the job finished. 
 
 " Why," says he, " I ll willingly dew it for 
 nothin ruther n have you go off so." 
 
 " Young man," says I, " I m bleeged to ye, but 
 if you d pull out every tooth in my head for 
 nothin , I wouldn t stay five minnits longer. I m 
 all wore out, and the sooner I git home the 
 better." 
 
 That was all I said. I hadn t the heart to scold 
 him after I heerd about them Jits. " Poor ere- 
 tur," thinks I to myself, " I don t wonder your 
 wife feels worried about ye."
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. IO$ 
 
 THE SCHOOL OF PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 Cousin Tripheny she went down to old 
 cord this summer, and tended the School o 
 Filosofy ; so when she come back she was 
 chuck full on t. Between you n me I don t 
 believe she had much idee of what it all 
 meant, but she thought it was a great thing, any 
 way, and she talked so much about it to the 
 sewin circle and the litterary meetin s that she 
 created quite a fury, and bimeby nothin would 
 dew but we must have a Wimmiris School o 
 Filosfy there in Craney Holler. So one afternoon 
 Tripheny and Mis Giddins they come down to 
 my house together to talk it over with me ; they 
 wanted me to jine ; in fact, they invited me to be 
 the " deen " or deeness, same s Perfessor Harris 
 was, you know. 
 
 " All these things have a head says Tripheny, 
 "and to my mind, you, Ruth Ann, are peremi- 
 nently suited to fill that high posishion." 
 
 " I declare I m obleeged to ye," says I (for I 
 did predate the honor and no mistake), " but I 
 don t feel as if I was fit. I m free to confess that 1 
 don t know nothin about the things they discussed 
 on to them meetin s this summer more n the cat 
 does. I tried faithful to read some o the lecturs re 
 ported in the newspapers, but I had to give em up. 
 I think s like enough they was too deep for rne;
 
 106 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 but I wouldn t be afraid to ventur my repertation 
 as a sensible woman, that there wa n t one single 
 practical idee to the bottom on em ! Anc 5 
 what s the use o breakin your neck to go so 
 awful deep, when there aint nothin wuth goin 
 after !" 
 
 Oh, wall," says Tripheny, sniffin and fidgetin 
 round in her chair, "if you feel that way, we 
 can t do anything with you, of course, but I m 
 real disappinted. Ruth Ann, I am disappinted !" 
 
 She looked so sorter took down and reproach 
 ful that I felt bad for her. So after thinkin a 
 minnit " See here," says I, "if you ll le mme se- 
 ieck some of your subjecks I dunno but what I ll 
 consent to sarve, and be your what-ye-may-call-it 
 Deeness is it ? 
 
 Upon that they both brightened up. "Agreed, 
 of course," they says ; " now lets perceed to 
 business." 
 
 So we went on to consider who should belong 
 to it. 
 
 Tripheny said it was best to invite all them we 
 wanted to have jine, so s to keep out " the rabble." 
 
 "There wa n t no rabble to the Concord 
 School, I tell you," says she. "And furthermore 
 there .can t be no young girls ; that is, no good 
 lookiri ones. There wa n t a single decent lookin 
 woman in the hull Concord School ! / was 
 the best lookin one o the lot ; and you know I 
 haint got no beauty to brag on," she said, 
 laughin . (She is mortal homely.) 
 
 " If that s the case," says I, " p raps / ain t 
 homely enough." 
 
 " Oh la, you ll dew," says Mis Giddins.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID IO? 
 
 " That s all right," says Tripheny. 
 
 They vva n t so complimentary as they might 
 be, but I didn t care for that ; I had an objeck in 
 view. 
 
 " But I dunno," says I, hangin back ; " I ain t 
 willin to shet out the young and harnsome ; 
 they d orter have priveleges same s other folks. 
 My idee is, that harnsome girls is naterally jest 
 as bright and sensible as homely ones. The 
 trouble is, we set sech high vally on beauty, that 
 we re apt to think nater can t afford to give brains 
 along with it, and so don t look for em. Better 
 give the pretty girls a chance," says I. 
 
 " Dew have everything your own way then !" 
 snapped Tripheny, kinder out o patience. Then 
 she laughed and shrugged up her shoulders, and 
 says she, 
 
 " After all, I ain t one mite afeared any harn 
 some girls 11 want to jine bein s there ain t no 
 men folks in the consarn." 
 
 "That s so," says Mis Giddins. 
 
 Wall, we went ahead and orginized, and the 
 upshot on t was, that we held our fust meetin the 
 next Tuesday evenin in the old yeller school- 
 house at the middle o the town. 
 
 As Tripheny was the founder of the school 
 she picked out the fust subjeck and handed it 
 round aforehand, so s all the members might 
 be perpared. Her subjeck was "Molecules? 
 When I heard it I says, "Molecules! for the 
 land s sake, what be them ? Some kind o ani 
 mals I s pose ; but who knows anything about 
 em r 
 
 " You re mistakened ; they ain t animals," says
 
 108 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Tripheny, shettin her lips together, and lookin 
 awful knovvin . 
 
 " I dew hope and trust, Tripheny," says I, " that 
 you ve chose a good moral subjeck." (To tell the 
 truth, I hain t no great opinion of Tripheny s 
 judgment.) 
 
 She tossed up her head a good mind to bemad, 
 and says she, 
 
 "It was one o the fust Concord subjecks, any 
 way ; and I guess what s good enough for them 
 orter be good enough for us /" 
 
 " All right," says I, " only I m afraid you ll 
 have to dew most o the talkin and explatteratin 
 yourself. Seem s if some more common subjeck 
 would a been better for the fust." 
 
 "No sech thing!" she says. "Let em study 
 it up. It ll dew em good to use their brain,} a 
 little ! They can all go to the dictionary, a.ad 
 there s other books. Then, some on em has got 
 college edjicated husbands ; they orter know some- 
 thin about molecules," says she. 
 
 Wall, I didn t make much preperation for the 
 meetin myself ; it wa n t necessary. I was the 
 deeness, you know, and my main business was to 
 set on the platform and keep em in order, &c. 
 I wa n t obliged to diskuss unless I wanted 
 to. 
 
 When the meetin was fairly throwed open, I 
 called on the Square s wife to speak fust, and 
 stated that afterwards I hoped the others would 
 all feel free to take part and arger and diskuss 
 promisc ous. 
 
 When I set down, the Square s wife riz up and 
 crossed her arms over her stummuck, awful im-
 
 ADVENTURES OF A A OLD MAID. I0g 
 
 posin and digherfied, and begun jest as she al- 
 wers does to the prayer meetins ! 
 
 " My dear brutheren and sisters, I feel " birt 
 here Tripheny stopped her by givin her a tre- 
 men jus nudge. 
 
 " Molecules / molecules ! " whispered Tripheny, 
 to remind her where she was and what a dewin . 
 
 The Square s wife looked at her savage as a 
 meat ax, and begun agin jest as she did afore, 
 exackly. 
 
 " My dear brutheren and sisters, I feel as if 
 the subjeck afore us this evenin was a very mo* 
 mentuous one very," 
 
 Tripheny drawed in a long breth, and every 
 body leaned forrard and listened. 
 
 " I ve give this subjeck all the attention that 
 my multiflorious dooties would allow, and I con 
 fess I find it a deep one an awful deep one." 
 
 As nigh as I can make out, molecules is minuti- 
 cal small ; smaller than a grain o sand or a mote 
 in a sunbeam, and a muskeeter s eye is big long 
 side o one ! Fact is, you can t see a molecule, 
 nor begin ter, not with the naked eye." 
 
 Here she stopped a minnit to take a pinch o 
 snuff, and Mis Deacon Jones broke in : 
 
 " If that s the case," said she, sniffin up her 
 nose contemptewous, " I shouldn t consider em 
 wuth mentionin . Any thing you can t see at all 
 with the naked eye must be pooty small pertaters. 
 There s plenty o bigger things to talk about ; 
 why not take an animal with some size tew it ?" 
 
 The Square s wife give her a witherin look. 
 " It s plain to be seen," says she, " that you are 
 mournfully ignorant of the hull subjeck. There-
 
 110 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 fore and consequentially you undervally it. But 
 small things ain t to be despised by no manner o 
 means. Have you forgot how St. Paul says, 
 Take care d the minutes and the hours will 
 take care d themselves ? and agin the butiful 
 poim that begins, Little drops of water ? 
 More n all, have you forgot (though it s doubt 
 ful if you ever knew) the proverb, Many a little 
 makes a mickle, 1 which is Latting for much ! 
 That s it : Many molecules make a big thing. 
 Besides, and moreover, molecules is in every 
 thing." 
 
 She stopped to take another pinch o snuff (she s 
 an awful snuff-taker), and Tripheny thinkin 
 she d said bout enough picks it up and goes 
 on. 
 
 " There s one very sollum thought occurs to 
 my mind in connection with this subjeck," says 
 she, " and that is that the soul o man, as many 
 believe, was originally a molecule a mere 
 speritooal atom as it were and now see the grand 
 thing it has growed to be !" 
 
 " Hum !" says Mis Deacon Jones, " that s easy 
 enough to believe ; some on em hain t growed a 
 bit to this day ! But when you undertake to tell 
 me that them ere molecules is in everything, I 
 can t swaller it, and whafs more, I wont ! " says 
 she, gittin excited. 
 
 I rapped on the table, and says very firm, " Let 
 us obsarve becomin order and dignerty in this 
 ere school, ladies." 
 
 " Wall," says the deacon s wife, carmin down 
 a grain, " I should like to ask the Square s wife 
 one question."
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Ill 
 
 " Sartingly," says the Square s wife dretful con- 
 descendin ; " as many as you please." 
 
 " Do you mean to tell me, then, that there s 
 moelcules in my currant jell that I had ter bile 
 three mortal hours by the clock (for the currants 
 was too ripe, and it wouldn t jell a minnit sooner) ? 
 I s pose now that there jell is full o them cret- 
 urs, alive and kickin ?" says she, sarcastic. " I 
 s pose no amount o bilin would kill em ? " 
 
 " Ondoubtedly," says the Square s wife, " for 
 cordin to science they re alwers in motion, 
 and if they was biled dead, how could they 
 move ? You cant kill em." So say in she 
 looked round in triump. 
 
 " Wall, then," says the deacon s wife, most a 
 cryin "all I ve got to say is that they re horrid 
 pesky creturs, and no credit to science -nor Pro 
 vidence nuther ! " 
 
 That remark did sound kind o unchristian for 
 a deacon s wife to make, didn t it ? We was all 
 shocked, and Tripheny jumped up in a hurry 
 and says she : 
 
 " Massy sakes alive ! you don t think mole 
 cules is real animals, dew ye ? Why, don t the 
 dictionary say distinckly that they re particles o 
 matter, and they haint no signs of life about em, 
 only they have motion, that s all ! Twouldn t 
 hurt ye if you should swaller a mote from a sun 
 beam, would it ? Wall, molecules is jest the 
 same, only smaller." 
 
 " Oh, la, now, I dew feel relieved !" says Mis 
 Jones. " I s posed they was somethin like em 
 mets, and emmets I hate wuss n pizen ? But 
 some folks" with a meanin nod towards the
 
 H2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Square s wife, " orter know a leetle grain more 
 before they undertake to instruck their nabors." 
 
 The Square s wife she never took no notice ; 
 she just set down and pulled out her knittin and 
 went to work. 
 
 There wan t many more speakers, and when 
 they got done we wound up with a kind of so 
 ciable pow-wow, and everybody got to feelin 
 pleasant and happy as could be. 
 
 When the clock struck nine I riz up and 
 pounded on the table. 
 
 " Ladies o the Craney Holler School o Fil- 
 osophy," says I : "The subjeck to be discussed at 
 our next session is one of an altogether different 
 natur from that we have considered to-night ; to 
 wit, namely Wimmiris Extravagance : and be 
 the Men to Blame for t?" They all seemed to 
 think favorable, for they clapped their hands and 
 looked dretful pleased. 
 
 Then we ajourned.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, 
 
 THE DEACON S WIFE SPEAKS. 
 
 At the close of the fust meetin of the " Wim- 
 min s School o Filosofy," you ll remember that I 
 nounced the next subjeck as " Wimmin s Ex 
 travagance ; and wherein be the men to blame 
 for t ?" 
 
 Wall, the deacon s wife she come right down 
 the next day to see me and talk it over. She 
 was mazin exercised about it. 
 
 " Ruth Ann," says she to me, shakin her head 
 dubious, " I m awful fraid this ere school of 
 ourn is goin to make a rumpus twixt us and the 
 men-folks, ain t you? Specially if we go to 
 layin blame onto em for any of our doin s, 
 they ll feel dretful crossgrained and hard agin us, 
 and massy knows tain t any tew easy to git along 
 with some on em now. I, for one, don t say for 
 dewin anything to stir em up and git em mad. 
 The deacon don t prove o this school no way. 
 He s been pickin out chapters for family devo 
 tions this fortnight all bearin on female submis 
 sion, and so on. This mornin I spunked up and 
 told him I didn t think the postle Paul s opinion 
 o wimmin s duty amounted to shucks. 
 
 " What does an old bachelder know bout wim- 
 min ?" says I. 
 
 " And what does a pack of old maids know 
 bout men / says he, firin up. "Wan t that real 
 mean, Ruth Ann ?"
 
 114 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 I laughed. "Mis Jones," says I, "you might 
 a told him that we know all we wanter know 
 bout men, unless it s better ! But we needn t 
 fret ; our school ain t a wimmin s rights consarn 
 by no manner o means, and you can explain to 
 him, that we should a invited the men to jine, 
 only we felt kinder modest ; thought we could do 
 better by ourselves ; same s female prayer meetin , 
 you know. How could we git up and say any 
 thing in the presence of our sooperiors?" 
 says I. 
 
 "Oh now you re makin fun o the men !" says 
 the deacon s wife, laughin , " and I don t blame 
 you. They re a consaited, pigheaded lot ! and I 
 will say it, if / be a married woman !" says she, 
 lookin over her shoulder to make sure the deacon 
 wa n t nowheres round. 
 
 "There s lots o good men in the world," 
 says I, carm and candid. 
 
 " Oh, the deacon s^y^enough, for that matter, 
 but I d ruther he d be a little more agreeable, if 
 he wa n t so awful good !" 
 
 " That s a little mite hard on the deacon," says 
 I, laughin . 
 
 " I don t care if tis !" she snapped. " It s the 
 truth, any way !" Then she went on with her 
 knittin and seemed to feel better. 
 
 " This subjeck you ve picked out is a fustrate 
 one," she resoomed bimeby ; "but there s a good 
 many ways o lookin at it, I guess." 
 
 " Yes," says I ; "extravagance is a word that s 
 been misapplied and bused about as much as any 
 w^rd in the English language. Mean, stingy 
 folk* call that extravagant that ain t only jest
 
 A&VEN1URES OF AN OLD MAID. 11$ 
 
 comfortable ; and then agin what s extravagant 
 for the poor to do, ain t only jest right and propei 
 for rich folios ; don t you see?" 
 
 " Yes, 1 dew," says the deacon s wife, "and that s 
 what riles me so when the deacon insists on my 
 skimpin and pinchin as a dooty. If we wan t 
 well off, with money in the bank, I wouldn t say 
 a \vord. But Ruth Ann, I tell you I wouldn t 
 dars to say it to everybody the way that man 
 contrives to save does beat all ! 
 
 " Sometimes his notions is laughable ! The hat 
 he wore when we was married, and for a good 
 many years afterwards too, is up in the garret 
 long with other old things that s laid there this 
 thirty year, for he never lows me to give a thing 
 away ; says everything comes in course some time. 
 But this hat is a white stovepipe jest sech a 
 hat as Yankee Jonathan always wears in Mister 
 Nast s picters. I spose it looked all right in the 
 day on t but noiv oh, dear ! 
 
 " Wall, every spring in house cleanin time, when 
 I m up garret puttin things to rights up he 
 comes reg lar, to make sure all his old sculch is 
 safe ! His stove funnels and cracked cider jugs, 
 and old cart wheels oh, and I d o rter mentioned 
 long with the hat, a black silk vest with picters of 
 George Washin ton all over it. It used to be his 
 uncle s, and he left it there when he died ; it s all 
 ragged now, a sight to see. 
 
 " Wall, year after year, as sure as the spring and 
 house cleanin comes round, the deacon follers me 
 up garret, and the fust thing he spies out is gin* 
 erally the old hat. He picks it up, puts it on his 
 head and turns to me and says, very severe :
 
 il6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " Betsey, what s the matter with this ere hat f 
 Why is it laid one side ? 
 
 " And I laugh invariable and say, Why, John 
 Henry, how forgitful you be ! don t you know 
 that ere was your weddin hat ? it s been up here 
 this thirty year. 
 
 " Is that so ? says he, takin it off and lookin 
 at it. But I don t see as anything ails \\ 
 good enough to wear to rthe barn any way. 
 
 " So he puts the redickerlous thing on his head 
 and goes on rummagin round. 
 
 " Bimeby he comes acrost the old vest hangin in 
 a corner, takes it down, looks it over careful and 
 finally puts that on tew, top of his stri-ped frock, 
 and comes to me and says agin severer than ever: 
 
 " I tell ye now, Betsey, once for all, we can t 
 afford to throw away good clo es, and I wont 
 have it ! What s the matter o this ere vest ? 
 
 "Then, Ruth Ann, I -look up at him standin 
 there you know how fat he is, and what a fig- 
 ger with that short waisted rag of a vest but 
 toned acrost his stummuck, and his stri-ped frock 
 hangin down, his blue overhalls tucked into his 
 boots, and that weddin hat set one side of his 
 head and I jest laugh, and screech, and holler, 
 Jill I m bout givn out ; and the deacon gits mad 
 and tarin , and like enough the white stovepipe 
 rolls off on to the floor, or the valooable vest 
 splits out somewheres, and that tickles me all the 
 more ! 
 
 " Then the deacon sets tew and lecturs me, and 
 ginerally winds up by sayin : 
 
 " A pooty deacon s wife you be ! you ve got 
 bout as much dignerty as a four year old colt !
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 117 
 
 "But I can t help it," says she ; " it s enough to 
 make Lot s wife laugh, after she was turned into 
 the pillar of salt !" 
 
 When we had got done laughin the deacon s 
 wife wiped her eyes and turned to me real serious. 
 " Ruth Ann," she says, " I come over a purpose 
 to see about that next meetin of ourn. I tell 
 you I ain t a-goin to let the Square s wife set clown 
 on ire agin and don t you forgit it ! I reckon 
 I know as much about this subjeck as what she 
 does. But there, I ve done all the talkin so fur, 
 now I ll keep still and give you a chance." 
 
 " I reckon," says I, "that a good many folks is 
 accused o bein extravagant that ain t so at all. 
 There s them Dodge girls on the hill ; you know 
 how stylish and well dressed they alwers look, 
 specially Mariar, the oldest one. Wall, she s 
 harnsome as a picter to begin with got one o 
 them nateral pink and white complexion-s that ll 
 wash and bile, as you might say, and a figger that 
 don t need no five dollar corsets to fetch it into 
 shape, and whatever she puts on she looks dressed 
 out to kill, don t she ? I ve heard the Square s 
 Lizy Jane say many a spiteful thing bout Mariar 
 Dodge s extravagance, when the fact is, Mariar 
 never pertends to wear anything better n a cash 
 meer in winter or a pretty muslin in summer. 
 
 " But it takes silks and satings and all creation to 
 rig out Lizy Jane, and then she looks more like a 
 feather bed with a string tied round the middle 
 than anything else. Though she ain t to blame 
 for her looks as I know on." 
 
 " No," says the deacon s wife, "only its a pity 
 she can t be a leetle more pleasant in her ways, to
 
 IlS ADVENTURES OF AN OLD 
 
 kinder make up for bein so homely. But I ve 
 noticed, that, as a general thing, the \vuss folks 
 look, the more disagreeable tney act. Now, 1 
 never see a hunchback in my life, that wa n t as 
 consaited and hateful as he could be." 
 
 " There may be some truth in that," says I ; " I ve 
 often thought so myself. But let s consider the 
 last part of our subjeck, wherein be the men to 
 blame ? " 
 
 " Oh, wall," says the deacon s wife, rollin up 
 her knittin and gettin ready to go, " I guess per 
 haps we married wimmri hadn t better arger that 
 pint much. We ll kinder talk round it and lead 
 tip teiv it as it were and then you and Sera- 
 phine and the rest o the young girls can take 
 hold. Not that I m afraid, but, as I said afore, 
 I don t want to create no hard feelin s among the 
 men." 
 
 When she got to the door, though, she looked 
 back, and says she : 
 
 " All the same, Ruth Ann, if the Square s wife 
 
 happens to pitch into the men Tuesday night, 1 
 
 shall foller soot ! She ain t a-goin to git ahead 
 
 o me this time, not if the deacon sues for a di- 
 
 7 oice the very next mornin !"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 119 
 
 MODERN IMPROVEMENTS. 
 
 Some o these ere modern improvements don t 
 amount to much, cordin to my way o thinkin 1 . 
 But it is wonderful, and no mistake, how many 
 inventions and machines there is now-day s. I 
 think s likely the time is comin when machines 
 11 do all the work and run themselves! And 
 what a heaven upon arth that will be for lazy 
 folks, won t it ! Haymakers can lay on the grass 
 then, and drink molasses and water all the time, 
 and hired girls can look out o the winder and 
 chew gum from mornin till night. But I m 
 kinder old fashioned, and these new fangled 
 things put me out and plague me enough sight 
 more n they help me. 
 
 I don t want no patent coffy-pots nor meat- 
 bakers nor steamers. No, nor ile stoves scentin 1 
 up the house and takin away your appertite before 
 hand ; nor gas stoves, to be bustin when you 
 least expect. Nothin o the kind for me ! I 
 couldn t git a decent meal o vittles with em to 
 save my life. Them that wants em can have em 
 for all me ! But I ve seen a good many articles o 
 furnitoor, easy chairs and lounge-bedstids, and so 
 on, that was real comfortable. Then agin, there 
 is some so-called patent comforts that is tortures, 
 and the men that invented em orter be hung. 
 
 When I was in Jersey visitin my nefew, John
 
 I2O ADI EtfTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Longly, he had jest bought out a patent head-rest 
 consarn, and he was all carried away with it. 
 Thought it was goin to make his fortin in no 
 time. It was a contrivance to screxv on to the 
 back of a chair, or any kind of seat, so s you 
 could lean back somethin like lyin down. It was 
 specially designed for folks travellin in the cars. 
 
 Wall, I found out after I d been with em a 
 while that Mary, his wife, was a perfeck marter 
 to that machine. She told me as much herself. 
 Said whenever they went to any public place, or 
 rode in the cars, John alwers took some o the 
 head-rests along, and made her set with her head 
 screwed into one, to advertise em. And she said 
 it was awful, the pain she suffered. But she didn t 
 dars to complain, for fear John would think she 
 didn t take no interest. 
 
 One day there was an excursion on the cars, 
 ever so many miles out into the country, and John 
 invited Mary and me to go. I was pleased with 
 the idee, and Mary would a been, only for dread- 
 in the head-rest. 
 
 "Oh, dear, Ruth Ann," says she, "I thinks 
 likely he ll put one on to both of us !" 
 
 " Don t worry !" says I, shettin my teeth to 
 gether like a trap, so I shouldn t let out no more. 
 
 You see I d thought the thing over, and I d 
 made up my mind to larn John a little lesson if 
 I had a chance. 
 
 Well, we went to the excursion. We enjoyed 
 the fust part o the ride, lookin out o the winder 
 and watchin the folks round us ; a queer lot they 
 was. You know all sorts ginerally goes to excur 
 sions. There was one family right in front of
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 121 
 
 us that didn t seem to be makin a pint of enjoyin 
 themselves, whatever else they was doin . 
 
 It was a woman and three little girls. I s pose 
 the woman was their mother, but no old maid 
 ever lived that was half so fussy as what she was. 
 She wouldn t let them children wink hardly. It 
 was scold and fret the whole durin time. If one 
 on em leaned forrard or backards a mite or nes led 
 round, or stood up, it was, " Don t, Jane Mariar 1 
 don t, Sary Ellen ! or don t, Car line Elizy !" I 
 did pity the poor little things ; they looked as if 
 they didn t dars to breathe nateral. 
 
 Finally, the woman gives the littlest one (she 
 vva n t much more n a baby) a smart shakin , and 
 says she, " Now, Sary Ellen, if you don t set 
 down and keep still, you shall take a big spunful 
 o caster He, quick s we git home !" Upon that 
 the poor little creatur crep into a corner of the 
 seat, and began to whimper pitiful. 
 
 " Caster He!" says I to Mary. " If that don t 
 beat all for a punishment !" 
 
 " I never looked upon ix as much else," says 
 Mary, laugh in . 
 
 " 1 don t care ; she s an onhuman mother, any 
 way !" says I, and I was jest thinkin how I d like 
 to make her swaller a whole bottle full, when 
 John come along in with a couple o head-rests 
 under his arm. He d sold a number in the 
 forrard cars, and he was feelin pretty well over 
 it. 
 
 " Ruth Ann, and Mary," says he, "you must 
 be gittin tired ; le m me put you on a rest ? They 
 tell me," says he, awful elated, "that this ere rest 
 is wuth its weight in gold ! I alwers knew there
 
 122 ADVENTURE* OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 was money in it, and I didn t make no mistake, 
 now don t you forgit it !" 
 
 "Oh, yes," says I to John, "I should admire 
 to have one on ! They must be a dretful com 
 fort." 
 
 Mary, she stared as if she didn t know what 
 un-.ler the sun to make of me, but she didn t 
 speak. 
 
 He put mine on fust, and then Mary s, and 
 givin us some directions in case folks wanted to 
 know the price or buy, he went off into the 
 smokin car. 
 
 After he d gone, we set and looked at one 
 nother a spell, and then we begun to squirm. 
 " Mary," says I, carm and candid, " this ere head 
 rest may be a boon to a hearty man with narves 
 of steel and sinews of iron, but you n me hain t 
 got the constitushion for it." She smiled a sickly 
 smile, and that was all. 
 
 Pretty soon I begun to be in crampy pains all 
 over, specially down the spine o my back. I 
 tried to move a grain, but in doin so, I give my 
 neck a wrench that made me scream right out. 
 
 " Mary," says I, " I do believe I ve got serrybro 
 spinal-get is." 
 
 "Oh, dear!" she says, " I hope not. How do 
 you feel ?" 
 
 " I feel as if I should fly all to pieces ! That s 
 how I feel !" says I. savage as a meat ax. 
 
 "Oh, hush! Don t speak so loud. Folks 11 
 hear, and then they won t buy. We mustn t spile 
 the sales! But, oh dear me," she went on in a 
 faint whisper, " I believe it s wuss n common 
 to-day . "
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 123 
 
 She was pale as death, and her eyes looked 
 tumble pitiful. The sight of her seemed to be 
 the last straw with me, and I got so excited that 
 I was on the pint o doin some desperate thing, 
 when I looked up, and there w^as John, sarnterin 
 along in smilin , pleasant as a baskit o chips. 
 And I remembered my little plan. 
 
 " Hullo ! How do you like it ? says he, lookin 
 at us and then round on the folks in the car, as 
 much as to say, " Ladies and gentlemen, what 
 luxury !" 
 
 " Oh," says I, bracin every narve in my body 
 to speak common and ordinary, " it s complete ! 
 I shall buy some to take home with me. But I 
 want to understand all about em fust ; how they 
 work and everything. You jest take our n off 
 now, and let Mary show me how to put one on 
 } r ou, then I shall understand." 
 
 He was awful pleased to find me so took with 
 his machine. He let us out, and settin down 
 oppersite to us, stretched out his legs, and lay 
 back as if he was goin in for solid comfort 
 now. 
 
 Mary looked dumfoundered, but she showed 
 me how to screw the long part on to the back of 
 the seat, and how to fix the clamps, one on each 
 side of John s head, and tighten em up. I give 
 em an extra turn or tew, and I m free to confess 
 that I enjoyed doin of it. 
 
 " I guess you ve got em screwed up a lee tie 
 tight" says John, smilki gastly. "Oh, no," says 
 I : "they re jest where ourn was, and ourn was 
 ^ Dutiful and easy." 
 
 He set for a minnit, and tried to look carrn
 
 124 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 and comfortable, but finally begun to move rounii 
 and squirm jest as we did. 
 
 " I guess/ says he, "that I must have it took 
 off now. I should love dearly to set with ye and 
 rest longer, but I must go I must go and see a 
 man" 
 
 " Nonsense !" says I, " set still and enjoy your 
 self ; we can t spare you yet. Besides, folks are 
 all lookin at ye and thinkin how comfortable 
 you look. You ll spile your sales if you go jest 
 now." He mopped his face with his hankerchif. 
 " Wall, then," says he, " you ll have to loosen 
 these clamps a grain. They don t seem to fit my 
 head jest right somehow." 
 
 " Fit your head !" says I. "Why, I thought they 
 fitted everybody s head ! We didn t have no 
 trouble, did we, Mary?" 
 
 I fumbled round and pertended to loosen em, 
 but I didn t ; I tightened em, if anything. He 
 was ashamed to say any more, but he looked 
 savage. 
 
 I took out my knittin and set down side of 
 him, and begun to talk careless and happy as a 
 cricket. I joked and laughed and made fun, and 
 didn t take a mite o notice of his sufferin s. 
 
 Mary, she begun to see what I was up tew, but 
 she didn t hardly dars to interfere. She was most 
 a cryin ; she couldn t bear to have her great 
 strong husband suffer what she had herself. 2 
 could though, for I knew it would dew him 
 good. 
 
 Bimeby he couldn t set still a single minnit, he 
 was in sech pain. I knew jest how he felt. 
 " Why, John," says I, " how res less you be ; keep
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 2$ 
 
 still now, and try to have a nap. I won t talk to 
 you no more." 
 
 But jest at that ere pint of time I s pose he give 
 out, for he threw up both legs and arms, give his 
 neck a twist that snapped the old machine into 
 a dozen pieces, and streaked it out o that car, so 
 quick that you couldn t hardly see him. 
 
 How folks stared. " Nightmare !" says I, real 
 loud. " He s dretful subjeck to nightmare when 
 ever he falls asleep. Pity to spile the valuable 
 head-rest, wa n t it, though ?" Then I stooped 
 down to pick up the pieces and most died a 
 laughin . 
 
 I had a letter from Mary the other day, and she 
 says that John has gone out o the head-rest busi 
 ness. 
 
 Moril : There s nothin like personal expert-* 
 ence. 
 
 I guess that head-rest was a humbug sure 
 enough, and everybody found it out, that had any- 
 thing to do with it, but of course there is inven 
 tions that seem to be real blessin s to mankind. 
 
 There s one that s ginerally considered sech that 
 Fm dead set aginst, and while I m on this subjeck 
 I ll jest give it a little hit. I refer to the electrick 
 light. I say it is a flantin , darin , blasfemous 
 thing ! A slap in the face o natur , as you might 
 say ! Gas was bad enough, but it didn t put out 
 the moon and stars, and make all the lights in 
 God s fundament look sick and silly ! 
 
 I think it becomes human natur to be kinder 
 rev rent and umble, seein we re only the dust of 
 the arth, and I tell you the electrick light won t 
 prosper !
 
 126 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 One thing: it makes everybody look like dead 
 folks, and I m glad of it ! Nobody won t have 
 it in their houses, seein it ain t becotnin ! 
 
 I ain t afraid o the electrick light though, 
 wicked as it is, but I am afraid of the telcfone ! I 
 don t dars to use it ; never tempted tew but once. 
 That was when I was visitin to brother Lonzo s. 
 He had one in his store and another in his house, 
 and sister-in-law Sarah seemed totake solid com 
 fort talkin through it. It was right m the front 
 entry fastened up aginst the wall, and I declare I 
 used to hate to go past it for fear it would speak 
 or dew somethin tew me. 
 
 Sarah she tried to git me to use it ; said I 
 wouldn t feel so about it after I d used it a few 
 times ; but I didn t git up my courage to try, till 
 one day when she was out, I thought I d go alone 
 and speak through it ; then if anything happened 
 nobody d be there to laugh at me. 
 
 Wall, I took the trumpit that hangs tied 01 to 
 it, and put it up to my ear, and pounded down 
 the button twice, jest as I d seen Sarah dew, 
 and buzz, buzz, whir, whir, went the most on- 
 arthly noise you ever heard ; then snap, snap, and 
 crackle, and out of it all, a terrible voice from way 
 off somewheres said, " F II call for yo^t, to-night > 
 Be ready! " 
 
 I dropped that trumpit and flopped down into 
 a chair, all cf a heap ! There Sarah found me, 
 fainted clean awav ! I told her about the noises 
 
 * 
 
 and the words that was spoke, and she said it wa n t 
 nothin oncommon. Somebody else was talkin 
 on the same line. But I couldn t get red o the 
 notion that it was the evil one himself, and I
 
 S OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 more n half expected he d be round after me that 
 night, to cairy me off bodily, but he didn t come. 
 I guess he thought a good scare was all I des- 
 arved. They laughed at me and argered with 
 me, but I d got enough, and I haint never tam 
 pered with a telefone from that day to this. 
 
 I must tell ye how Deacon Jones got fooled, 
 when I was to his house last summer. You know 
 the deacon s awful savin , and he hadn t took no 
 newspaper for years ; said how he could hear 
 enough o the wicked doin s of the world without 
 payin money to read about em. 
 
 Wall, he went over to Bangton one mornin to 
 carry some butter and eggs, and buy groceries 
 and one thing n other they was needin , and Mis 
 Jones and me v e had a good long day all to our 
 selves. 
 
 Between sundown and dark, we was settin to 
 gether knittin and talkin , when the deacon come 
 in. He laid his bundles down on the table with 
 out sayin a word. He alwers invariable used to 
 say, " There, wife, there s your groceries ; use em 
 sparin , use em sparin ." So this time we didn t 
 know what to make on him. He looked oncom- 
 mon sober, too. 
 
 " Father," says Mis Jones, " what s the matter? 
 Didn t the things sell well ?" 
 
 " Yes, the things sold well enough," says he, 
 "but I found out somethin down to Bangton 
 that s jest about upset me." 
 
 "The bank haint failed 
 
 " No, no ! For the land sake, ain t there no 
 troubles in this world but money troubles !" says 
 the deacon real snappish.
 
 128 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 "Why, yes, of course," says Mis Jones, "but 
 dew tell us what is the matter !" 
 
 Then he set down and told us. " You know 
 Widder Grimes oldest boy, James, has been to 
 work in Barker s grocery store for more n a year. 
 You remember what a nice boy he s alwers been, 
 good habits and all that, and sence his father 
 died he s the main stay o the family, as you might 
 say. It was only the other day his mother was 
 tellin me bout him ; how well he was gettin 
 along, and how Barker meant to take him in pard- 
 ner this fall. She seemed so proud and happy 
 over it. She s jest bound up in that boy ! But 
 I ll tell ye how it was. After I d done my arrants 
 and packed all the bundles away under the buggy 
 seat, I went back into Barker s store and set down 
 on a box to eat a bite o lunch and rest me a 
 minnit, when James Grimes come in. I noticed 
 he looked kinder queer. He steered straight for 
 the back end o the store, and leanin up agin the 
 wall, begun to go through with the silliest lot o 
 performances I ever see. If he hadn t been 
 more n six year old, I should a thought he was 
 makin believe at some kind o child s play ! He 
 pertended to be talkin to somebody, hollered 
 "hullo!" and "all right !" and a whole mess o 
 stuff, then laughed as hearty as could be, at his 
 own nonsense. I couldn t believe it of James, 
 and I turns to Jeff Adams, standin by me, Drunk, 
 ain t he ? says I. Jeff didn t make no answer, 
 only winked one eye and grinned. It was a good 
 joke to him I s pose, but it wa n t to me ; I teli 
 you I felt like death, and I went and got out my 
 team and come away as quick s I could. And
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 the wust on t is, it 11 jest about kill the.Widder 
 Grimes !" 
 
 Mis Jones wiped her eyes, " Poor woman, God 
 help her !" says she. 
 
 All of a suddin an idee popped into my head. 
 I says to the deacon : 
 
 " Did James say Hullo ! when he fust begun 
 to talk ?" 
 
 " Yes. He kep sayin on t over n and over." 
 
 " And didn t he hold somethin up to his ear ?" 
 
 " I didn t mind. There was a lot o things all 
 cluttered up hangin on the wall behind him ; 
 corn poppers, and tin-ware, and so on but why, 
 what are you drivin at, Ruth Ann ?" 
 
 " Wall," says I, " I think James was jest talkin 
 through a telefone one o them talkin machines, 
 you know." 
 
 "Telefone!" says the deacon, all struck of a 
 heap. " I ve heerd on em. Do you s pose they ve 
 got one in Barker s store ? I dunno." 
 
 " How should ye know anything^ for that mat 
 ter, when we don t take no newspaper !" said his 
 wife, kinder spiteful. 
 
 "I swanny !" says the deacon, "if I don t be 
 lieve you re right, Ruth Ann ! James wouldn t 
 git drunk I might a knowed it !" 
 
 He went off post haste over to neighbor Fuller s 
 to make inquiries, and he found out that Barker 
 had got a telefone, and that James Grimes was 
 stiddy as an eight-day clock, jest as he alwers had 
 been. 
 
 The best on t was, the deacon concluded to 
 take a newspaper.
 
 I3O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE. 
 
 Have you ever had anything to do with this 
 ere life insurance business ? If you hain t you d 
 orter be thankful that you never got drawed into 
 it. Like enough it s a good thing in some cases, 
 but then agin it makes a sight o mischief. 
 
 You remember Uncle Joe and Aunt Betsey 
 Flanders up to Dobson s Corner ? Everybody 
 knows em that ever lived nigh the Corner. 
 They ve alwers been considered likely folks, only 
 ruther tight and graspin at least Uncle Joe. I 
 guess Aunt Betsey is free-handed enough. 
 
 Wall, I jest wanted to tell ye what a piece o 
 work that insurance business made with them. 
 
 In the fust place, it did seem as if a eperdem- 
 ick of all sorts o travellin consarns had struck 
 the town that summer. There was patent medi 
 cine men, healin mejums, fortin -tellers and 
 lightnin -rod men, and last of all an insurance 
 agent come along, and he got hold of Uncle Joe 
 the fust thing, and followed him up. He fairly 
 harnted the poor man till he finally give in he d 
 have his life insured if his wife would have hern. 
 
 Wall, one day Uncle Joe come home to din 
 ner. I remember we had biled dish that day. It 
 was his favorite dinner; seemed as if he couldn t 
 never git enough, specially of cabbage. lie 
 often used to say to his wife : 
 
 "Betsey, there ain t nothin so eood on the
 
 AN INSURANCE AGENT GOT HOLD OF UNCLE JOE AND FOLLOWKI, HIM 
 UP, TILL HE FINALLY GIVE IN HE D HAVE HIS LIKE INSURED. 
 
 (Page 130.)
 
 I3 2 ADVEXTV RES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 face o the airth as pork and cabbage ! " So they 
 had it once and sometimes twice a week. But 
 that day I speak on he might as well been eatin 
 chips and water for all sense he took on t. He 
 seemed to be thinkin out somethin awful deep 
 and serious, and there he set and sometimes 
 most forgot to eat. 
 
 Aunt Betsey she noticed it, and bimeby she 
 says, " For pity s sake, father, what s the matter 
 with ye ? Ain t you goin to eat your cabbage ? 
 That s only your fust help, too. I hope to massy 
 you ain t sick ! " 
 
 "Sick! no," says Uncle Joe, startin up as if 
 he was shot. " Do I look sick ?" 
 
 " Why, no, I dunno as you dew, but you 
 haint spoke sence you set down to the table, and 
 why don t you eat your dinner ? " says she. 
 
 " Do lemme be," says he. " Can t I have no 
 chance to think in my own house ? " 
 
 " Oh, sartin, sartin ; think all you want ter," 
 says Aunt Betsey. " But you ain t in the habit 
 o doin much heavy brain work while pork and 
 cabbage sets afore ye." 
 
 That s all there was said till we d finished our 
 dinners. Uncle Joe ate his biled injun puddin 
 jest as he had the rest on t without seemin to 
 taste or sense it at all ; then he laid down his 
 knife and fork, tilted his chair back agin the wall, 
 and, fixin a sharp look onto his wife s face, be 
 gun : 
 
 " Wife," he says, " I ve been thinkin whuther 
 no it wouldn t be a good plan J $ git our lives in 
 sured" 
 
 " Good Lordy massy ! " scr< J.-TJS Aunt Betsey.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AK OLD MAID. 133 
 
 droppin the puddin dish and breakin it all to 
 smash, " what put that idee into your head ? 
 Don t ye do no sech thing, father ; you ll be sure 
 to up and die. I never knew it to fail ! " 
 
 " Do talk like a sensible critter," says Uncle 
 Joe. " There s a man here repersentin a mutual 
 life insurance consarn ; it s different from most on 
 em. We both insure- you and me and then 
 if I die fust you git the money, and if you die 
 fust / git the money ! Don t ye see ? " 
 
 Aunt Betsey she stood and stared at him for 
 much as a minute, a piece o the puddin dish in 
 her hand and her mouth wide open ; then she 
 dropped down into a chair all of a heap and be 
 gun to cry and take on. 
 
 " Oh, Joseph Flanders," says she, " have we 
 lived together in peace and harmony now goin 
 on thirty year to begin all to once to trade arid 
 barter and gamble in one nother s lives ? I 
 wouldn t a believed it, I wouldn t." 
 
 Uncle Joe he explained arid scolded and 
 coaxed, but it didn t do no good, and he finally 
 went off to work. But in the evenin he fetched 
 round the insurance man- he was a dretful ily, 
 smooth-tongued feller and the upshot on t was 
 that, somehow between em, they finally got Aunt 
 Betsey to say she d go and be examined and have 
 her life insured, though she stuck to it she didn t 
 approve on t no more n ever. 
 
 The next mornin Uncle Joe started right off 
 with her to the insurance office, for fear if he 
 waited she d change her mind. They found the 
 doctor there all ready to examine em, and a clerk 
 with a list o questions a yard long before him,
 
 134 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 set scribblin away at a table. When they was all 
 ready, he picks up the list, and says to Aunt 
 Betsey without lookin up : 
 
 " Colored or ivJiite 9 " 
 
 " What ! " says Aunt Betsey. 
 
 He says it agin, just as if he was a machine. 
 
 " Colored or white ? " 
 
 "Young man, if you mean am / colored or 
 white, jest look and see for yourself. I never 
 was took for a nigger yet ! " says Aunt Betsey. 
 
 " Married or single ? " he continnered,- scratch- 
 in awav. 
 
 y 
 
 "You sassy boy !" she screams. " Do I look 
 like an old maid ? And ain t my husband along 
 with me ? Ketch me here if it wa n t for him," 
 she grumbled. 
 
 Then he asked her how old she was, and how 
 old her father and mother and gran father and 
 gran mother was when they died, and what they 
 died of, and a lot more. Then they went through 
 the same rigmarole with Uncle Joe, and got em 
 both so tuckered out and mixed up that when 
 they come to the children they couldn t make out 
 between em whuther it was their darter Sary 
 Ellen that died o the measles and John Henry 
 o the scarlet fever, or Sary Ellen of the fever and 
 John Henry o the measles. After a good deal 
 o talk the agent said it wa n t essenshul, and put 
 somethin down and let it go. 
 
 Then the doctor he took em in hand. He took 
 Uncle Joe fust. Fie rapped on his back, 
 sounded his lungs, and measured his chist. 
 
 " You re a tough old chap, ain t ye ?" says he. 
 when he got through. Live to be a hundred year
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 135 
 
 old if you don t die of apperplexy. Good feeder, 
 ain t ye ?" givin him a punch in the stummuck. 
 
 Now Uncle Joe s stummuck is prommynent, 
 and he knows it, and he took every word the 
 doctor said in dead arnest. 
 
 "Apperplexy /" he gasps ; " you don t mean to 
 say I m inclined that way, do ye, doctor?" 
 
 It tickled the doctor to see how he d scairt 
 him, and he says, very sollum : " If we hadn t all 
 got the seeds o death in us, we shouldn t never 
 die." 
 
 Aunt Betsey she knew well enough what he 
 was up to, and she pulled Uncle Joe s coat-tail : 
 " Don t ye see, father, he s only jokin ," she whis 
 pered. 
 
 But he was scairt and nervous, and he couldn t 
 git over it so easy. 
 
 Then they examined Aunt Betsey ; they meas 
 ured her round the waist for one thing. 
 
 " I hain t got no call to be proud o my waist 
 now, I know," she says to the doctor, " but I ve 
 seen the day I wore a eighteen-inch corset !" 
 
 " Is that so? Twice eighteen s thirty-six," says 
 the doctor. " You ain t no silph now, that s a fact." 
 
 " I hope not," says Aunt Betsey ; " I hope I m 
 a decent woman," she says, dravvin herself .up 
 some. 
 
 " Oh," says the doctor, " I guess silphs is good 
 likely women enough, only they don t generally 
 have much waist to em." 
 
 " Oh ? I shouldn t wonder if they pinch em 
 in some women do," says Aunt Betsey. 
 
 " Like enough, like enough !" says the doctor, 
 winkin one eye at the clerk.
 
 l?,6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 After they d got done measurin they sounded 
 her lungs, and so on. 
 
 " My inward orgins is all right, I guess," says 
 she, laughin ; " if they ain t I never hear nothin 
 from em." 
 
 "What! don t your heart never go \vhipperty 
 whop, when you get berlated to meetin , and have 
 to hurry down stairs, with your gloves and bun- 
 nit and parisol and him-book and clean handker- 
 chif in one hand, and your husband s clean col- 
 lor in t other ?" 
 
 " Yes, it does," agrees Aunt Betsey, laughin 
 harty, " specially when I find father s gone off 
 after all, without even changin his shirt !" 
 
 But Uncle Joe didn t smile. " Do you think 
 there s anything the matter with mother s heart ?" 
 he asks. 
 
 " As I told ye before, so I tell ye now," says 
 the doctor, sollum as a judge, " if the seeds o 
 death wa n t in us all, we shouldn t never die." 
 
 "La, now, father," says Aunt Betsey, "don t 
 you worry. My heart is sound s a nut. The 
 doctor can t scare me" 
 
 The doctor didn t say nothin , only he winked 
 one eye agin to the clerk, and the clerk laughed. 
 I think that doctor was real mean. I always did 
 hate these winky men. Anyway, he got Uncle 
 Joe so kinder narvous and worked up, that he 
 went home with his head full o notions about his 
 own health, and his wife s too. 
 
 Not long after, Aunt Betsey come to me one 
 mornin , and says she, " Ruth Ann, I can t stan 
 it ! I hain t had a decent night s rest sence we 
 got our lives insured. If I even turn over in my
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 137 
 
 sleep, or snore the leastest mite in the world, 
 your uncle springs up on end, and asks me if I 
 ain t sick ? Where I feel bad ? and so on. Last 
 night, after he d waked me up once or twice, I 
 says to him, " Father, do for pity s sake lemmc 
 alone ! If I ain t sick now, I shall be pretty soon, 
 in good arnest ! if I ve got to be broke o my 
 rest every night in this way ! And you don t 
 sleep at all, yourself, do ye ? What ails ye ? 
 What makes ye so dretful wakeful and anxious ? 
 For the land s sake, don t lay awake to worry 
 about me I m all right !" says I. 
 
 " Be you sure, mother?" he says. " Don t you 
 feel no trouble about your chist nowheres ? I 
 thought you breathed kinder queer." 
 
 "What under the canopy be you drivin at? 
 You make me narvous !" says I, out o patience. 
 
 "Oh, nothin , nothin ," says he, " only you 
 know what the doctor said when you was exam 
 ined. I should hate to have ye took away suddin 
 and I not know it." 
 
 I begun to understand. " Oh, that s it, is it ?" 
 says I. " Wall, if you lay awake to see me die, 
 vou ll have a long job of it ! That doctor was 
 foolin , and if you wa n t a gump and a fool you d 
 know it ! I hain t got no heart disease, more n 
 you have, and I mean to live to be a widder yet ! 
 says I, "for I was kinder mad to find him right 
 on hand, as you might say, to have me die." 
 
 He didn t wake her up no more o nights, but. 
 he seemed so absent-minded and queer, that we 
 begun to feel afraid his brains was affected. 
 
 The wust thing he did, and what worried Aunt 
 Betsey more n all the rest, was that he bout as
 
 138 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 good as left off eatin . It was curls to watch him 
 at the table he was naterally sech a hearty eater, 
 ye see but now, he d set and pick over his vittles 
 and chew away an awful while on next to nothin , 
 and git up from the table lookin hungry and 
 miserble. 
 
 Aunt Betsey watched him till she couldn l 
 stan it no longer, and one day she says to 
 him, " Father, what are ye layin out to dew ? 
 Anybody d most think ye was tryin ter starve 
 yourself to death. I bet you ve lost ten pound 
 o flesh within a month !" 
 
 " Do you think so T says Uncle Joe, lookin as 
 pleased as could be. "Guess I must git weighed 
 and see." After that he ate a little more free, 
 but not like himself, and Aunt Betsey contin- 
 nered to fret. 
 
 " I declare," she says to me, " I don t take a 
 mite o comfort cookin for your uncle now-days ; 
 he don t seem to relish a single thing ! There s 
 them last mince pies that I took sech pains 
 to make extry nice he hain t even tasted on em ! 
 And did you hear what he said to-day bout cab 
 bage ? When I went to help him to some, he 
 says, says he, I guess I won t take none, Betsey ; 
 cabbage is ruther Jiearty for me." 
 
 " Ruther hearty /" says I, " for the land s sake, 
 what does a strong workingman like you want, if 
 it ain t suthin hearty ! I thought cabbage was 
 your favorite, too," says I. 
 
 " Wall, wall," says he, as cross as a bear, " can t 
 a man change his mind? Do lemme eat what I 
 wan ter, cant ye?" 
 
 " Sartin," says I, "only if you ve made up your
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 139 
 
 mind to live without eatin , jest say so, and I 
 won t work and slave cookin for nothin here 
 after," says I. 
 
 " Oh, wall," says he, " I thought I d kinder 
 diet for awhile and see if my health wouldn t be 
 better." 
 
 "Die it!" I says, "guess you will, if you keep 
 on, but you ain t sick now, more n the cat is, not 
 a mite !" 
 
 John Hodge, one o the neighbors, dropped in 
 next even in , and he got to talkin , mong other 
 things, about smokin . 
 
 " Smokin ," says he, " is a injurous habit. My 
 father declared in his last sickness that he hadn t 
 no doubt but what it had shortened his life by 
 full ten year, and I believe he was right." 
 
 This idee so struck Uncle Joe that he most 
 jumped out of his chair. " Strange, I never 
 thought o that afore," he muttered kinder to 
 himself. 
 
 " I should say he lived long enough, in all con 
 science," says Aunt Besey. " Who d wan ter 
 live to be more n eighty-seven year old ?" 
 
 Wall, if you ll believe if, from that night Uncle 
 Joe begun to give up his pipe ! and a more mis- 
 er ble, restless critter I never wan ter see. 
 
 One evenin he held his old pipe in his mouth 
 till bedtime, and there he set, seemin ly wrastlin 
 with the longin to smoke. He couldn t read his 
 paper, nor settle down to do nothin . Aunt Bet 
 sey, she d seen what was goin on all along, and 
 hadn t said a word for, nor aginst ; but that night 
 he was so oncommon oneasy that she felt real 
 bad for him. She goes down suller and draws a
 
 140 ADVENTURES Of AN OLD MAID. 
 
 great mug o cider and fetches it in, long with a 
 dish o nuts and apples. But Uncle Joe didn t 
 take no notice on em. So bimeby she lays her 
 hand onto his shoulder and says real coaxin : 
 
 " Come, now, father ; I don t believe it s a 
 good plan for a man of your age to give up his 
 pipe do you ? I can t see as it ever did you a 
 speck o hurt, and I wouldn t torment myself no 
 longer. Come, lemme light your pipe now, and 
 you have a good smoke, and git carmed down and 
 go to bed." 
 
 He knocked the pipe out of her hand, and 
 started up like a crazy critter. 
 
 " Clear out, and hold your tongue, will ye !" he 
 shouted. " A pretty wife you be ! If you s a 
 decent woman you d be helpin me to perlong my 
 life, instid o doin all you can to shorten it !" 
 
 " Heavens and airth !" cries Aunt Betsey, 
 " have you gone ravin crazy, father ! What do 
 you mean !" 
 
 I mean," says he, savage as a meat ax, "that 
 you ve been all your life helpin on my apper- 
 plexy ; stuffin me up with your dumbed mince 
 pies, and the old Harry n all ! And that ain t 
 enough, but now you must coax me to keep on 
 smokin when you know it s goin to shorten my 
 life by ten year or more ! But I can see 
 through your little game, and I ll outwit ye. Yes, 
 I ll outlive ye yet !" He yelled it out, glarin at 
 her like a mad man, and brought his fist down on 
 to the table with a blow that tipped over the 
 cider-mug and sent the apples rolljn all over the 
 floor. 
 
 It a most took away Aunt Betsey s breath for
 
 ADTENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 14! 
 
 a minute, but she looks him square in the eye, 
 and says she, " Joseph Flanders, you are either a 
 consummit raskil, or less your brains is fected 
 bad one or t other. But you haint got no 
 apperplexy, and you never have had not an atom ; 
 and if you wa n t a gump and a fool you d know 
 it ! That miserable insurance business is to the 
 bottom on t all ! I see it now ! Fust you was 
 goin to have me die o heart disease, and when I 
 didn t fall in with that, you goes to work to per- 
 long your own life. In plain English you re 
 stewin and plannin for fear you shan t outlive 
 me, and so git hold o the four thousan dollars ! 
 Oh, Joe !" she sobs, " if I wa n t so tarnal mad, 
 I b lieve my heart would bust !" And she 
 sets down and rocks herself back ards and for ards 
 and takes on bitter. 
 
 When she spoke about her heart, Uncle Joe 
 pricked up his ears, and looked at her sharp ; then 
 he takes up the candle and goes off to bed, with 
 out another word. 
 
 When he d gone Aunt Betsey wiped up her 
 eyes, and set and set, turnin on t over in her 
 mind. Bimeby she says to me, " Ruth Ann, 
 I ve been actin like a born fool ! This ere ain t the 
 fust time your uncle s got off the hooks ; though I 
 wouldn t own it to everybody but I ve alwers 
 fetched him round, alwers ; and I will this time, 
 inside of twenty -four hours, too, or my name ain t 
 Betsey Flanders ! He sets the world by me 
 your uncle does ; but between you n me, he ain t 
 very well ballunced, and the least thing turns him 
 one side. I tell ye, these men are alwers gittin 
 some contr y kink or n other into their heads, and
 
 H2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 you ve got to be perpared for em. Now," says 
 she, laughin , "you jest hold on, and see how I ll 
 fix him !" 
 
 I couldn t help wonderin what in the world she 
 meant, but she didn t say another word, and I 
 didn t feel free to be inquisitive. 
 
 Next mornin (it was Sunday mornin ) Uncle 
 Joe come to my door fore I was awake, and 
 rapped. " Ruth Ann," says he, " you ll have to 
 git right up, and see to your aunt ; she ain t well 
 this mornin ." 
 
 I was scairt to death in a minute. " Oh, 
 Uncle Joe," says I, "is anything the matter of 
 her heart ?" 
 
 " I m fraid so, I m fraid JQ ; Ruthy," says he, 
 his voice shakin . You dress ye as quick s you 
 can ; I m goin right off to git the doctor." 
 
 Wall, there wa n t much I could do for >er. 
 She seemed to be in dretful distress, and every 
 little while she d lay her hand onto her heart and 
 roll up her eyes and groan pitiful. It peared 
 as if she couldn t live any time at all, if she didn t 
 git help. 
 
 When the doctor come she asked to see him 
 alone a few minutes, and Uncle Joe and I tiptoed 
 out, and left em together. 
 
 Wall, you wouldn t a believed it possible for a 
 man to change his tune so quick s Uncle Joe did 
 his n ! I d got a comfortable breakfast sech as we 
 alwers had a Sunday mornin beans and brown 
 bread and coffy, and I made him set down to the 
 table with me ; but la ! he acted more like a 
 crazy critter than I ever see him before ! He d 
 jump up every few minutes, and go to the door,
 
 ADVENTURES OF ./A OLD MAID. 143 
 
 then come back and set down and groan and 
 take on. 
 
 " Oh, Ruth Ann ! " says he to me. " I 
 know I ve been a miserable, wicked scoundrel, 
 and I don t desarve to have her live ! But if she 
 dies," he goes on, tarin round the room, " if she 
 dies, I ll murder that ily-tongued insurance chap, 
 and / // buy a kag d powder and blow up the 
 house and my own miserable carkis in it ! " 
 
 I tried to carm him.. "Mebby she ain t so bad 
 she may git over it," says I. " Let s wait and 
 see what the doctor says." 
 
 " Oh, no, she won t never git over it," says he. 
 " But she might a lived for years if it hadn t been 
 for me and my cussed cruelty. She confessed 
 finally that she had trouble with her heart, and 
 she suffered agernies all night, but she wouldn t let 
 me go away from her for fear she d drop away and 
 I not with her. And she forgiv me, Ruth Ann, 
 she forgiv me over n over ! Yes, she did, bless 
 her ; she s an angel ! Ruth Ann," he groans agin, 
 comin and wringin my hand, "what shall I dew 
 without my pardner ? What s all the world to 
 me without Betsey ? Who cares anything about 
 me but Betsey? Ruth Ann, if she does git well 
 I ll deed this ere house and farm to her and every 
 cent o property I ve got in the world besides, 
 and she shall ride in her own horse and kerridge 
 and have a hired gal ten of em forty, if she 
 wants, as true as my name is Joseph Flan 
 ders !" 
 
 After this he seemed a little more easy, and 
 drank part of a cup of coffy ; then he goes on
 
 144 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " Yes, I ll dress her with the best, and I ll treat 
 her as she desarves bless her." 
 
 Just here the doctor come out, and I dunno 
 what made me, but I slipt past him, without 
 stoppin to ask how she was or anything, and 
 went into the bedroom. There I found Aunt 
 Betsey settin up in bed, stuffin the bedclo es into 
 her mouth and actin dretful queer. When she 
 see twas me she hauled me down to her. 
 
 "Oh, Lord ! oh, Lord! I shall die, Ruthy, 1 
 shall die / " she whispered, laughin and shakin 
 as if she d go into fits. " I heerd every word 
 your uncle said," said she. " So I m goin to 
 have forty hired gals and ride in my kerridge 
 and dress like a lady, be I ? Didn t he come 
 down harnsome ? What did I tell ye, though, 
 Ruth Ann ? Don t / know how to manage 
 Joseph Flanders ? Not that I shall ever take 
 the leastest mite of advantage bless him ; he s 
 got the most lovin heart in the world after all ! " 
 
 " But, Aunt Betsey," says I, " do you mean to 
 say you hain t been sick at all ? " 
 
 "Oh, yes," says she, "I ve been dretful sick, 
 " and I m just wore out with groanin and takin 
 on. It s hard work, Ruthy, and hungry work, 
 and the minnit your uncle goes to the barn to 
 feed the critters I want you to fetch me in a big 
 plate o beans and brown bread and a cup o 
 coffy. The doctor told me to take a little nour 
 ishment," says she, laughin . 
 
 Wall. I didn t git the hull truth through my 
 head for some time, but when the doctor come 
 in with Uncle Joe and said his wife had had a 
 narrer escape (he didn t say from what), but with
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. M5 
 
 caic ne might live now to a good old age, and I 
 see him go to the winder to laugh, then I begun 
 to understand. 
 
 At fust Uncle Joe was completely overcome. 
 Then he set down on the side of the bed and 
 held Aunt Betsey s hands, and asked her over n 
 over to forgive him, and told her what he was 
 a goin to dew to make her happy. They both 
 cried a little, and bimeby Aunt Betsey says : 
 
 " Father, ain t ye fraid them poor critters to the 
 barn are gittin hungry ? " 
 
 " I declare, I fergot all about em " says Uncle 
 Joe, and he went off to fe> d em. Then I slipt 
 out into the kitchen and back with a plate o 
 beans, and so on, and after Aur>t Betsey had eat 
 em she felt as good as new, and wanted to git up 
 and dress herself. 
 
 " But," she says. ir l s pose I shall have to lay 
 abed a little while for decency s sake ; it s an aw 
 ful punishment, and I desarve it for takin in 
 that poor innercent man so." 
 
 To make a long story short, Uncle Joe was as 
 good as his word, so fur as his wife was con- 
 sarned, and they took a sight o comfort together 
 after that. He give up the idee o havin ? the ap- 
 perplexy, and took to mince pies and cabbage 
 agin as hearty as ever. 
 
 They let that insurance policy run out in fact 
 never paid the furst cent on it, and to this day 
 they both hate the very sight of a life insurant 
 agent.
 
 146 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 HIGH ART AND ESTHETICS. 
 
 I visited to cousin Harnden s when I was down 
 country. You know his wife s been dead a num 
 ber o year, and his oldest daughter, Juliet, keeps 
 house for him. 
 
 I s pose Joshua s wuth no end o money, for 
 they ve got a great house as big as Square Jones s 
 barn, with everything in it, and plenty o servants 
 to wait on em. Anybody d thought they might 
 a took solid comfort ; and so they would, if Juliet 
 hadn t a been so crazy-silly and all over nothin , 
 and wuss than nothin ! 
 
 The name on t whatever it was that ailded 
 her was "High Art and Esthetics" and she had 
 it awful bad. Now, I can t give you a defmishun 
 of what that is not in one word, but if you ll 
 have patience and hear me through, you ll know 
 what it means, as well as / dew, t any rate. 
 
 In the furst place, I should say twas kind of an 
 epidcmick that rages mong folks that have got 
 plenty o money, and nothin pertick lar to do. 
 It don t seem ter be compattyble with poverty. 
 Poor folks never have it, any way. Them that 
 has it, run of a notion that they must foller the 
 rules of "High Art" in everything. That is, 
 their furnitoor and dresses, and all their ways and 
 doin s, must be what they call " artistick" And 
 as nigh s I can make out, they git their notions 
 and rules from travellin in furrin parts, and from
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. \tf 
 
 studyin over musty old books and picters. The 
 oldest, wust lookin things please em the best ; 
 they did Juliet, anyways. She run to everything 
 dismal and doleful. "rSubdood Effecks" she 
 ealled em. I never see a single cheerful, good- 
 lookin effeck not one. 
 
 Juliet s own room was what she called a "sim 
 fony " in blue ; the color o things was mostly 
 blue, a dull, dirty blue. And there wasn t a rock- 
 in chair nor a single comfortable piece o furni- 
 toor in the hull room. The only cheerful lookin 
 thing was a dear little picter of a bunch of golden 
 rod, jest as nateral as life. It hung right over 
 the mantletry shelf. I \vas surprised and pleased 
 when I see it, and I said to Juliet, " Wall, there ! 
 you ve got one pretty thing, haint ye ?" 
 
 "Oh, yes," says she, "that s o^e o the har 
 monies" 
 
 " Nonsense !" says I, taint nuther no sech 
 thing ! I guess I know golden rod, it grows every 
 wheres to home, common s dirt," says I. 
 
 My room tew was dretful stiff and uncomfort 
 able. I couldn t feel home-like in it no more n I 
 could shet up in the suller. Finally, one day, I 
 went a foragin . I got Johnny and Sue them s 
 the two younger children, ye know to take me 
 up into the garret chambe r , and there we found 
 a lot o things stowed away enough sight better n 
 them we was usin . 
 
 Wall, I brought down a rockin -chair and a 
 lounge, and a braided rug _>r tew. I found an old 
 Pilgrim s Progress, and ( took that along foi 
 company ; alwers have it on my table to home ; 
 read it every day same s 1 do my bible. Wall, I
 
 148 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, 
 
 put em all into my room, and it seemed more 
 like home after that. Another thing I fetched 
 down at the same time, turned out to be a great 
 success. 
 
 You see I d found out Juliet didn t have no 
 mercy on her par. She d even took possession 
 o the libr y where he alvvers set to read his paper, 
 do his vvritin and so on, and she d furnished it all 
 over in her high-falutin way ; put in that dis- 
 tressid straight-backed, hard-bottomed kind o 
 furnitoor, that s enough to make a young person s 
 bones ache to set on, to say nothin of a man sixty 
 years old ! She d took up every rag o carpetin 
 on the floor, and had it shined and polished up 
 till twas jest as slippery as glass. Why, it was 
 bout as much as your neck was wuth to walk 
 acrost it. Her poor par had actilly fell down a 
 number o times, and it was a wonder he hadn t 
 broke his bones ! I told Juliet how t he would 
 sures s fate, sooner or later. She only said " Oh, 
 he ll get customed to it." 
 
 It was a pitiful sight to see that old man of an 
 evenin , a settin up there, stiff s a poker, in his 
 straight-backed, high-art chair, all alone in that 
 great, dark, lonesome room I There was only 
 one little lamp, and that hung right over his head. 
 I s pose it was awful classick, but it wa n t any 
 kind of a lamp, and never burnt wuth a cent. 
 Why, it didn t begin to give as much light as one 
 o your karysene lamps! But Juliet said how it 
 looked dim and skerlastick; and I should say it 
 did, and wuss. 
 
 Then, them high-backed chars and things cast 
 great, black shadders all over the room, and ori
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 149 
 
 the hull it was the sollumest, lonesomest place I 
 ever got into in my life ! i used to go and set 
 with Joshua evenin after evenin , for company 
 ye know ; and sometimes John Aiken would 
 come down from the parlor, where he was spark- 
 in Juliet, and set with us, and we d have a real 
 good time together. 
 
 John Aiken was a great favorite o Brothei 
 Harnden s, and he d been glad to seen Juliet mar 
 ried tew him. They d been keepin company to 
 gether a good while, and I guess Juliet set enough 
 by John, only sence she got into her art tantrums 
 she seemed to be kinder haulin off. But la, he 
 knew more n the hull pack o them estheticks put 
 together ! He was tew well ballunced to go inter 
 fits over an old piece o furnitoor, or the color of 
 a gownd ! But Juliet used to snub him unmerci 
 ful sometimes, and 1 <vondered at his pa 
 tience. 
 
 But I was goin to tell you what else I fetched 
 down out o the garret that day. Among the 
 other things there was a great big armchair, all 
 kivered nice with luther, and stuffed out in good 
 shape. As soon as I set eyes on it I said to my 
 self " that s jest the chair for Joshua, and he shall 
 have it!" So I got one o the servants to help, and 
 we lugged it down into the libr y ; and that 
 evenin Joshua set in a decent chair for the fust 
 time in a good while. 
 
 He seemed pleased as could be, and laughed, 
 and said how it seemed a little like the good old 
 times, before the grand art innervation. 
 
 Juliet was mad when she see it said it didn t 
 11 harmonize," etsetery ; but her par had his own
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. 
 
 way for once in his life, and the chair stayed, and 
 it did my soul good to see him set in it. 
 
 Juliet played the planner, and she could play 
 beautiful, if she was a min to ; but she generally 
 played what she called fewges, and simfonies, and 
 sonnarters. Oh, they was horrid ! There wa n t 
 the least mite o tune tew em, and they made me 
 feel like a cat when her fur is stroked the wrong 
 way. 
 
 Then she spent mornin s and mornin swith her 
 dressmakers a gittin up her "coschumes" as she 
 called em. I used to hear her and her lady 
 friends speak o their suits as " harmonies in gray," 
 :t simfonies in blue" and so on. It ivas enough to 
 make a cat sick, that s a fact ! And then their 
 manners! Wall, I can t describe em. You know 
 how subdood and soft like anybody ll go round 
 when there s a person lyin dead in the house ? 
 Wall, that was the way with them all the time. 
 I never heard one on em laugh or speak above her 
 breath, and when they walked they ]estglid along 
 like shadders or ghosts. They acted for all the 
 world as if it was aginst the law to make any noise, 
 or show any signs of life, or dew anything 
 nateral. 
 
 Wall, that s how it was with Juliet ; and when 
 I see it all, I says to myself, " It s a bad way for 
 her, and for all consarned," and I kep a turnin it 
 over in my mind, whuther no I couldn t dew 
 somethin to kinder fetch her to her senses, as you 
 might say. One mornin I went out into the 
 garden before breakfast. Everything seemed 
 fresh and sweet as a baby jest waked up from his 
 nap. There d been a little sprinklin o rain in
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Kl 
 
 the night, and the flowers and grass was sparklin 
 ail over with drops, harnsomer n any dimonds. 
 
 I was ahvers a master hand for flowers, you 
 know, and I picked a great, big bunch on em ; 
 roses and pinks and all kiads mostly good 
 smellin ones, for naterally I like them best and 
 carried em into the dinin -room. 
 
 None o the family hadn t come down yet, and 
 I took one o them long-necked humly lookin" 
 vases of Juliets (she called it a " vaze"~} and put 
 the flowers into it. They hain t got a decent 
 lookin vase in the house, cordin to my way o 
 thinkin . I d ruther have that white chiny one 
 o your n there, with the violets painted on it, 
 than any o theirn. But some on em cost a mint 
 o money ! I shouldn t dars to say how much ; 
 nobody in this town wouldn t believe me ! There s 
 two monster big ones standin each side o the 
 door in the recepshion room, as they call it, and 
 they cost I don t know how many hundred dol 
 lars ! They re as tall as that barrel, and all kiv- 
 ered over with the horridest picters ! I nevei 
 could bear the sight of em but Juliet said they 
 was priceless anteeks" I told her " I didn t care 
 if they was, they was humly as fury any way ! " 
 
 Wall, as I was sayin I put the flowers in the 
 vase, and set em on the table. Says I ter my 
 self, " that s the fust good lookin bokay I ve seen 
 sence I left home," and I made up my mind that 
 I d see t we had one every mornin . It made the 
 dingy old room look cheerfuller, somehow. Jest 
 as I got it fixed and turned best side tew, the 
 door opened, and Juliet come loppin along in. 
 with her eyes not more n half open, and her dirt-
 
 152 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 colored gownd a hangin oi\to her like a wet rag 
 on a bean-pole. (I believe they call the color o 
 that gownd sage green, but it wa n t the color o 
 no sage t ever I see !) 
 
 When she d got bout half way into the room, 
 she spied the flowers : " Oh mercy !" says she, 
 leanin aginst a chair as if she was goin to faint 
 away, " What desercration /" 
 
 " Yes, ain t they nice ? I m goin to pick some 
 for the table every mornin," says I, takin em up 
 for her to smell on. 
 
 But she put out her hand to push em away, 
 and gasped as if she was chokin to death. " Aunt, 
 Aunt !" she finally managed to say, " I must beg 
 you not to arrange any more flowers for the 
 rooms ! Your absence of all sense of the esthetic k 
 is painful /" 
 
 " Oh, that s it, is it ?" says I. " Wall, p raps I 
 am lackin in that kind o sense, but I ve got some 
 common sense, and that s what you need bad ! 
 Ain t ye shamed, Juliet Harnden, to be so put 
 out with a little innercent bunch o flowers ! I 
 know it would be diffikilt to fix a bokay humly 
 enough to go with this room 1 declare the sight 
 on t is enough to give any healthy person an 
 emetick ! If you d foller nater you d do better ! 
 Nater can t be beat not as a gineral thing," says 
 I, " and don t you forgit it !" 
 
 " Oh, you don t understand !" says she, givin 
 me a witherin look. " Of course you don t.; how 
 can you ?" and she waved her hand as much as to 
 say " what s the use o talkin ? Enough said." 
 
 But my dander was up. Now was my time to 
 give her that overhaulin that I d had in mind so
 
 ADVRNTURRs, OF AN OLD MAID. 153 
 
 long. So I looked her right straight in the eye 
 and begins : 
 
 "Juliet Harnden," says I, " was you alwers jest 
 as you be now ? I didn t know you when you 
 was young" says I (bearin on to the young a 
 little grain, for she was turnin twenty-five, and I 
 could see she winked). " Wa n t there never no 
 time when you looked and acted nateral ? When 
 you put up your back hair careless in the mornin , 
 ducked your face all over in cold water, put on 
 the fust gownd that come handy, and slid down 
 the bannisters all rosy and wide-awake to kiss 
 your par and mar good mornin ? 
 
 " Didn t you never love nobody so s you d be 
 will in to jump inter the fire for em ? Didn t you 
 never hate nobody so s t you d like ter cut em 
 up into inch pieces ! Didn t you never git mad 
 and scratch, nor feel bad and cry whole buckets 
 o tears ! Have ye got any heart m\&feeliris any 
 way, sech as other women have ? that s what I 
 want to know !" says T. 
 
 I stopped for want o brerth. Her eyes was 
 open wider n I d ever seen em afore in the world, 
 but she didn t speak, and T went on, "Juliet," says 
 I, "you are my own sister s child, and I want ter 
 see ye happy, and I want you to make your pai 
 and the children happy. A happy home is wut.h 
 more n all the art in the world. And the color 
 o the chair kivers, the picters on the walls even 
 the bokay on the table can t make nor mar it. 
 
 "Juliet," says I, "your par s gittin old, and 
 he likes his ease and comfort better n anteek 
 lamps and artistick furnitoor. Them children,
 
 154 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 too, would have more fun and grow faster, in 
 clo es that they could romp and play in, if they 
 didn t look so much like picters. One other pint 
 and I m done. It s aginst nater for a smart, high- 
 sperited young man like John Aiken, to stand 
 bein put down and set on for any length o time, 
 and if you care anything about him and you 
 know you do why not treat him different ? 
 Think on t Juliet, think on t ! I want you to be 
 happy," says I, beginnin to break down for I d 
 made a long speech for me " and what s to 
 hender ?" says I, then I bust out cryin . 
 
 Upon that, Juliet riz up without a word, and 
 went out o the room very still, and shet the door 
 behind her. I didn t know hardly what I d done, 
 and I set and cried for sometime. I d freed my 
 mind, anyway that was one consolation. 
 
 But it all turned out for the best ; for at dinner 
 time Juliet came up to me of her own accord, 
 and kissed me quite affectionate, and says she 
 " Aunt Ruthy, you was right about some things 
 you said this mornin . Not another word ; but 
 that was a good deal for Juliet, and I felt encour- 
 
 I come home a little while after, but I met 
 Joshua to Square Bailey s golden weddin , and he 
 said how t Juliet wa> a new girl, and I was the 
 means ont. He said she was gittin to be a fust, 
 rate house-keeper, and they all took heaps o com 
 fort together. They ve set the day to be married, 
 at last she and John Aiken and they insist that 
 I shall go to the weddin whuther or no. So I ve 
 been settin up nights lately, to git the second
 
 ADVENTURES Of AM OLD MAID. 15$ 
 
 r ir o cream-colored silk stockin s finished off. ?n 
 r-irry to Juliet, and I flatter myself that them e.e 
 btockin s is good enough for any girl to wear 
 whuther she s high art or low art, or only jest 
 common folks.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 SHE GOES WEST IN THE SLEEPING 
 CAR THE PUNKIN SIFTER MAN. 
 
 Yes, I ve been out West; I went all of a sud 
 den too, as you might say. You see, the fares was 
 way down that fall, beyend all account, and they 
 kep goin lower n lower, till bimeby, when it got 
 so s t we could go to Chicago for five dollars, I 
 says to mother, " Mother, I do declare that s 
 cheaper n dirt! I m a good mind ter start and go 
 out to Illinoise and visit sister Gusty !" 
 
 That was the very fust word I d said about it, 
 and it struck mother all of a heap; but after think- 
 in on t over, she was very favorable. 
 
 " I don t s pose you ll ever have a better chance," 
 says she. 
 
 " Taint likely I ever shall," says I. So we flew 
 round for fear the fares would go up agin", and in 
 a few days I was all ready to start. 
 
 I d got to ride two nights, and mother says to 
 me, " Ruth Ann, you d better take a sleepin car 
 and go comftable. I should hate to have ye git 
 into Chicago all tuckered out." 
 
 " Wall," says I, " I s pose I might as well go 
 the hull figger while I m about it ; I don t travel 
 West every day." So I paid another five dollars 
 for a berth as they called it, and I tell you I didn t 
 begrudge it nuther, when I found out how com 
 ftable it was. But it was somethin new to me ; 
 I wa n t never in one ?. f ore. 
 
 When I paid the conductor for it, he giv me
 
 HE LOOKED AT MY CHECK AND PINTED ON AHEAD TO A SKAT 
 
 (Page 158.)
 
 158 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 the check and number o my section, as he called 
 it, and I went along into the car ; but I couldn t 
 see nothin o no bedroom nor no place to sleep. 
 It looked jest like any other car, only nicer. So 
 I says to the black man that seemed to be waitin 
 round a-purpose to answer folks es questions, 
 
 " Where s my section, my bedroom, you 
 know ?" He looked" at my check and pinted on 
 ahead to a seat. " That s it, marm," says he. " We 
 don t make up the beds till night, unless they re 
 specially wanted." 
 
 " Wall, mine s specially wanted, " says I. " But 
 I don t see no bedstid nor nothin do we sleep 
 on the floor ? I ain t a goin to pay no five dol 
 lars extry to sleep on the floor, I tell you now !" 
 says I. 
 
 " Oh, we have a way to fix it butiful, marm," 
 says he ; and he pulled out a kind *)f a shelf and 
 showed me how it went. 
 
 " Wall," says I, " s pos n you fix it now. I want 
 my room in order to once." 
 
 " Oh, sartin," says he, grinnin from ear to ear. 
 " But do you wish to retire so early in the day ? 
 I hope you ain t onwell, marm !" 
 
 " Don t you worry about that ; you jest go 
 ahead and put my bedroom in order as I tell ye," 
 says I. " I want to set down and enjoy myself." 
 
 By this time all the folks in the car was lookin 
 at us, and I see some smilin . One lady steps 
 for ard and comes up close to me, and speaks low, 
 so st nobody couldn t hear but jest me, and says 
 she, " Madam, you ll excuse me, if I advise you 
 not to have your bed made up now ; it isn t cus 
 tomary, ye know, and it might seem queer to the
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 59 
 
 rest of em. I wouldn t have anything done till 
 night if I was you, and then you ll find it all 
 right, I can promise you. I ve travelled a good 
 deal," says she. "Come and set down here and 
 look out o the winder; there s lots to see." 
 
 She seemed so pleasant and friendly that I 
 couldn t dew otherwise than thank her kindly and 
 take her advice. So I told the waiter he might 
 be excused for the present ; when I wanted him, 
 I d let him know. 
 
 Wall, I enjoyed the ride that afternoon real 
 well, and long towards night I eat my lunch, and 
 the black waiter porter, they called him got me 
 a cup o tea, and it made me as good a supper as I 
 wanted. 
 
 Bimeby it grew dark, and them that had chil 
 dren along with em begun to have their beds 
 made up, so I had a good chance to see jest how 
 it was done, and when my turn come I knew all 
 about it. 
 
 There was curtins to let down all round the 
 bed as cozy as you please, though I found out 
 pretty quick that I was goin to smother, and hacl 
 to open the winder a crack. It seemed awful 
 queer at fust, and I thought to my soul I should 
 roll out onto the floor in spite o hemp ; but after 
 a while I got used to the motion of the cars and 
 dropped off to sleep. 
 
 I knew we should go through the Hoosack 
 Cunnil right in the middle o the night, but I 
 meant ter see it all the same, and I told the por 
 ter to wake me up jest afore we got to it. So 
 about leven o clock he spoke to me and said we 
 was jest a mile from the entrance o the tunnil.
 
 1*30 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 I set up in bed and looked out o the winder> 
 and I declare I wouldn t a missed seein that 
 sight for no mount o money ! It was a clear, 
 moonlight night, and we was ridin through a sort 
 of valley with hills on both sides on t. And them 
 hills seemed to grow bigger n bigger, and creep 
 jp nearer n nearer, till finally they shet us in like 
 iunjin walls. Bimeby there wa n t no sky to be seer, 
 overhead only a little line o light, and that grew 
 smaller n smaller till it was all dark everywheres. 
 Then the injine give one onearthly shriek, and 
 vve plunged and dove right into the bowels of the 
 mounting, as you might say ! It grew deathly 
 :old, and damp as the grave, and I was glad to 
 pull the bedclo es up round me. 
 
 It seemed as if we was a long time goin 
 through, but I found out it was jest fifteen min 
 utes, and the tunnil is five miles long. I tell you, 
 I felt pretty sollum settin there alone in the mid 
 dle o the night, away from all my folks, ridin at 
 lightnin speed through the insidesof a mounting . 
 I had some curis, awful thoughts. Think s I, 
 " what s ter hender this ere mounting from falhn 
 down onto us, and buryin us all up alive ?" I was 
 thankful enough when we come out into the 
 blessed moonlight once more, I tell ye ! But it 
 was some time fore I could go to sleep agin, 
 and when I did, it wa n t for long. I guess I 
 hadn t much more n got to sleep fore I was waked 
 up by the sound o wimmin s voices, scoldin 
 away to a great rate. 
 
 I peeked through my curtins, and I see two 
 vvimmin and two children, all four on em loaded 
 iown with clo es and luggage, and they was in a
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 1 
 
 terrible stew. It seemed the sleepin -car they was 
 in had broke down, and all the passengers had to 
 leave their beds and find places in the other 
 cars. 
 
 One o the wimmin, the one that talked so loud, 
 was a great fat woman, and she was busin the 
 railroad and all them that run it. How she did 
 pile it on to em ! And when she come to put 
 the girl and boy to bed she biled over. 
 
 " Where s Mary s night-sack, I should like ter 
 know?" she screamed to the other woman. 
 
 " I dunno more n you do !" says the other 
 woman. 
 
 "Jimmy s night-shirt is gone too, and both the 
 children s stockin s and shoes !" 
 
 And then one on em lost her puss, and that 
 was wust of all, and they tore round cordin ly. 
 
 The porter he waited on em as well s he could, 
 and promised to hunt up their things, and so on ; 
 but itwa n t no kindo use, they wouldn t be pas- 
 sified. 
 
 "A Jot o good they ll do us, after these 
 poor children 1 ive to go into Chicago nakid !" 
 says the fat woman. "And where s the money to 
 buy em some more, with the puss gone that ^: 
 what I want to know !" says she. 
 
 To make a long story short, after they d waked 
 up everybody in the car with their hullabaloo, ami 
 got some o the men to swearin , they found their 
 things puss and all jest where they put em, I 
 think s likely, and they did simmer down the 
 quickest ! We didn t hear another word out o 
 their heads that night. 
 
 Next mornin it was interestin to see the folk r
 
 02 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 come out o their berths and dress themselves, and 
 so on. Some couldn t find nothin they wanted, 
 and some o the men and boys got their shoes 
 changed, or lost them altogether. I got up real 
 early and washed and dressed me, and had my bed 
 put out o the way, and then set down with my 
 knittin to watch the rest. 
 
 I could tell an old bachelder the minute he 
 stepped out o his berth ; he seemed handy about 
 dressin himself, you know. But la, how awkerd 
 the married men that hadn t their wives along, 
 was ! They d tug away at the buttons and neck 
 ties till they got sweaty and red in the face. 
 
 I noticed one man in partick lar. He was 
 a-tryin to get his necktie right. I watched the 
 great bunglin creatur till I fairly got narvous, 
 and I couldn t stand it no longer. I threw down 
 my knittin and went over to him, and says I, 
 " Do le mme fix your necktie for ye, now !" He 
 looked as pleased as could be, and says he, 
 "Thank you, madam; I find I miss my darter 
 bout these fixin s." 
 
 Come to git up close to him he wa n t so old a 
 man as I s posed he was from his head s bein so 
 bald on top. He couldn t a been much older n 
 what I was, and I felt ruther cheap. But I tied 
 as harnsome a bow-not as I could and made him 
 kind of a kerchey and went back to my knittin . 
 
 Bimeby, all them that wanted to went out into 
 the dinin -car for breakfast. The fat woman and 
 the two children went along, but the other woman 
 stayed behind. When the fat woman come back, 
 you orter heard her go on about it. 
 
 " That dinin -car," says she, " is a mean, swin
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. l6j 
 
 dlin humbug jest of a piece with all the rest o 
 the doin s on this miser ble road. 
 
 "They have the face out there," says she, "to 
 charge seventy-five cents whuther you eat their 
 breakfast or not. All I wanted was a cup o 
 coffy and a biskit, and I told em so ; but that 
 sassy nigger kep sayin seventy-five cents, 
 madam all same seventy-five cents for break 
 fast, madam ! My explainin didn t do no sort 
 o good ; so when I found they was goin to charge 
 me full price any way, I was bound I d eat that 
 bill o fare clear through if it killed me ! And I 
 did," says she, " and I drinked two cups o cony, 
 and I feel like death expect nothin but I shall 
 have one o my dretful bilyous turns to p^y foi 
 it!" 
 
 Wall, that man I tied the necktie for went out 
 to breakfast too. and what do you think he come 
 luggin along back to me ? A great plate o the 
 nicest of everything, and a nigger follerin on 
 behind with a cup o coffy and a dish o fruit ! 
 
 " I thought mebby you didn t feel like goin 
 out, marm," says he, " and I hope you ll be so 
 kind as to accept these vittles. One good turn 
 desarves another, you know," says he. I was so 
 Clustered that I didn t know what to say, but I 
 J ried to thank him somehow. Afterwards I asked 
 the woman that said she was used to travellin if 
 she thought twas proper for me to take the 
 things, and if I hadn t orter offer to pay for em. 
 
 She laughed, and says she, "Take all you can 
 git. The old chap looks as if he was akin to 
 spend his money. He s rich as mud, I know. 
 Let him spend it if he wants tew."
 
 104 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 " But," says I, "his wife she may be savin , 
 I m fraid she mightn t like it." 
 
 "Mis wife!" says she. "Don t you fret: 
 mebhy he hain t got none. Didn t you see that 
 crape on his hat ?" 
 
 " No, I didn t," says I. 
 
 I couldn t help feelin kinder worked up, and I 
 detarmined to steer clear o that man the rest o 
 the time if it was a possible thing. So I set and 
 knit away industrious all day, and tended to my 
 own meals promp , so he didn t git no chance to 
 do anything more for me if he d wanted to. But 
 long towards night, I was lookin out o the 
 winder (I had laid by my knittin , for the heel 
 was ready to set, and I thought I d let it be till 
 lamp-light) I was lookin out o the winder, as I 
 said, and kinder dreamin an^ thmkin , when some 
 body comes along and stands still right beside o 
 my seat. I don t s pose you ll believe me. but be 
 fore I turned round to see who it was, I felt in 
 my very bones that it \vas my necktie man ! And 
 it was ; and pretty soon he spoke, and says to me 
 very respeckful, 
 
 "Madam, you remind me of a friend o mine, 
 so strong, that I hope you ll pardin me if I in 
 quire your name." 
 
 I told him my name. 
 
 " Mrs.?" says he. 
 
 " No ; Miss," says I, my cheeks burnin like a 
 live coal. Then he set down on the seat facin 
 me. 
 
 " Ain t it ruther dull settin alone ?" says he. 
 
 "Why, no," says I. "I hadn t thought on t." 
 
 "You hain t the same name as the friend I
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. I&5 
 
 spoke on," he continners, "but you do look 
 enough like her to be a twin sister. Perhaps you 
 be related. Her name was Dorsey Polly Dor- 
 sey and she was my wife s second cousin." 
 
 " So he has got a wife," thinks I to myself, and 
 I answers up pretty stiff and haughty, 
 
 " No, sir," says I, " I ain t no relation to her 
 more n Adam !" Then I picked up my knittin - 
 work and says I, " I wish to massy this ere heel 
 was set, so s t I could have somethin to dew." 
 
 He looked at me kinder bewildered as if he 
 didn t hardly know what to make o my remark, 
 and says he, "Oh !" 
 
 " Yes," says I, " I alwers like to have my knit- 
 tin when I hain t nothin to think on ; it s com 
 pany." 
 
 He hitched around in his seat a little oneasy 
 and says he, " I I hope I don t intrude, marm ?" 
 
 He said it so gentle and dignerfied that I felt a 
 little shamed o myself. " Oh, no," says I, " not 
 at all, sir." 
 
 " You women have ruther the advantage of us 
 men," he went on. "You can help along the 
 lonesone hours in so many little ways," pintin to 
 my knittin -work. " If I could only knit now," 
 says he, laughin . 
 
 I laughed too, the idee was so redickerlous. 
 
 "How does it happen," says I, "that you re 
 travellin alone ? I sh d thought you d took your 
 wife along, for company, if nothin more. But 
 mebby travellin don t agree with her ?" says I. 
 
 " My wife is dead, marm says he, soft and 
 sollum. " She s been dead now goin on three 
 year,"
 
 l65 ADVE.NTUKES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 ] was dumfoundered ! I picked up my stockiiV 
 and begun to knit away like all perscsst ; I didn t 
 care if the heel wa n t set ! 
 
 Nary one on us spoke agin for some minutes. 
 I dunno s I should a spoke till this time if he 
 hadn t took out his handkerchif and blovved his 
 nose like the last trumpit. That kinder started 
 me up and brought me tew, as it were, so that 
 by clearin my throat a number o times I man 
 aged to say, " How dretful bad it must be to lose 
 a pardner !" and so on. Then we both made a 
 business o lookin out the winder for quite a 
 while. 
 
 Finally he turns to me and says he, " Tain tno 
 more n fair, to tell you my name now, seein s 
 you ve told yourn." 
 
 " Wall, I dunno s I m very partick ler," says I, 
 knittin away. I was dyin to know all about 
 him, but I didn t want to be bold nor for ard, so 
 I says, " I dunno s I m very partick ler." 
 
 " My name," says my necktie man, layin his 
 hand on to his chist with as graceful a gestur as 
 I ever sees, " My name is one I ain t ashamed to 
 own. I am Hannibal Hazukins Major Hanni 
 bal Hawkins, of Punkinville ; and I am the sole 
 and only inventor, perprietor, and owner of the 
 celerbrated Hawkins Punkin Sifter !" So sayin , 
 he riz up till he was six feet tall or more, and 
 bent over and made me a harnsome bow ! 
 
 I declare I was overcome ! Jest to think, there 
 was that old punkin sifter of mother s to home, 
 that I d used this ten year, and his very identikle 
 name on it in black letters ! I d read it to my 
 self a thousand times "Hannibal Hawkins /"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AX OLD MAID. 1 67 
 
 and htre was the man standin before me ! I felt 
 as if we d been acquainted all our lives. 
 
 " I wan ter know," says I, as soon as I could 
 make out to speak, " I wan ter know if you re 
 the punkin sifter man ! Why, we ve used one o 
 your sifters to home a good many year. Couldn t 
 keep house without it. I m sure I m real glad to 
 make your quaintance, Mister Hawkins." 
 
 He was pleased enough. " Why, yes," says he, 
 rubbin his hands, "you n me orter be friends, 
 sartin !" Then he set down agin, this time beside 
 o me. and fore long he knew all about my folks, 
 and I his n. 
 
 Wall, to cut my siory short, i:he next day, when 
 we got to Chicago, he said he was goin to be in 
 the city some little time, and asked leave to call 
 on sister Gusty and me. So I told him where to 
 find us, and we shook hands and parted. 
 
 When I come to look at my knittin , it most set 
 me into fits ! As true as I live, that ere stockin 
 leg was as long as a pillar cae, and not a sign oi 
 a heel set to k !
 
 1 68 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. 
 
 IN CHICAGO. 
 
 When I got to Chicago, I was pretty tired, 
 hut I never felt happier in my life. You see the 
 punkin sifter man had made it real pleasant for 
 me ; and, between you n me, there is somethin 
 in knowin that somebody kinder likes ye, that 
 warms the heart like a cup o tea, now ain t there ? 
 
 I told Gusty all about him, and we expected a 
 call from him right away, but he didn t come. 
 Two or three weeks went by, and still he didn t 
 come, and finally we had to give him up. I didn t 
 know what to think. Gusty did, and she says 
 to me, " Ruth Ann, you ve jest got dretfully 
 took in, that s all. I know the men you can t 
 put no dependence on em. It s out o sight, out 
 o mind with them !" and so on and so forth. 
 
 "Gusty," says I, "is that the way with- your 
 husband ?" (Everybody knows her husband is a 
 perfeck slave to her a good man too, if ever 
 there was one.) 
 
 " Why, no," says Gusty, " I can t say s I ve got 
 any fault to find with George Henry." 
 
 "Wall, then," says I, "don t, for pity s sake, 
 speak that way ! If a woman s got a decent hus 
 band, she orter make a pint o stickin up for 
 mankind in gineral to pay for t. As for me, 
 mebby I ve got took in, and mebby I hain t. 
 There ain t no bones broke, and if there was 
 twouldn t mend em to buse the men. But one
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 69 
 
 thing, Gusty, the less said about it to me the bet 
 ter." That was the end on t ; only in my own 
 mind I sollumly believed in Hannibal Hawkins, 
 and fully expected he d turn up some day and 
 make it all right. 
 
 Did you ever go to Chicago ? If not, you 
 never went nowheres, as you might say. 
 
 " Boston ?" Boston s well enough ; I love Bos 
 ton. But you take one of her streets and double 
 it in wedth, and piece it out a few mile in length, 
 and you have a street in Chicago. Then make 
 all the grand stores grander and bigger. And set 
 a lawger-beer saloon, with a sign o the Dutchman 
 holdin up a mug o beer and lookin at it, between 
 every third or fourth store, and you have a street 
 in Chicago. 
 
 You might add to this, a bad smell, plenty o 
 mud, and crowds of very good-natered, perlite 
 folks. One thing I want to say right here about 
 the Chicago wimmin. They hain t got no bigger 
 feet than Boston wimmin ! 1 took partick lar 
 pains to notice. 
 
 I went round sight-seein a good deal with Ned, 
 Gusty s little boy ; he knew the hull city like a 
 book, and bein it was vacation, he was right on 
 hand for goin . One day he took me into a 
 Chinese laundry. It was way down suller, where 
 they had to keep the gas burnin all the time to 
 see. They didn t mind nothin bout our comin 
 in : they knew Ned, he d been there a good many 
 times. They grinned when they see him, and 
 kep right on with their work. One on em was 
 sprinklin clo es I s pose he called it. He bad a 
 hull mess o clo es on a table, and he kep a turn-
 
 I7O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 in on em ovcr n over, sq iirtin the water out on 
 to em from between his teeth, somehow. It 
 looked curis enough, but awful shif less, cordin 
 to my way -o thinkin . There was two more 
 ironin , and one seemed to be cookin somethin 
 on the stove. I was alwers interested in tl:c 
 hethin used to think I d like to go missionary- 
 in ; and when I looked round on them poor be- 
 nited creetur s, I felt for em. To think they 
 didn t even know how to sprinkle r.io eF in a 
 decent Christian way ! 
 
 I went up to the table where the two men was 
 ironin and says to one of em, " My good friend, 
 do you know who made you ?" 
 
 He set his iron down quick s a flash, and bowed 
 very perlite way down to the floor : then he 
 dusted off a stool with his big sleeve and offered 
 it to me to set on, but he didn t speak a single 
 word. I says agin, a little louder and speakin s 
 plain as I could, " Do you know who made you ?" 
 
 The man shook his head and bowed himself 
 down to the floor agin. "No speakee Melican," 
 says he, and pinted to the man sprinklin clo es. 
 So I goes over to him and asks, " How long have 
 you been in this country ?" 
 
 " Oh, velly long timee," holdin up his fingers, 
 one, two, fou r . 
 
 " Do you know who made you?" He smiled 
 very innercent-like, nodded his head, and went on 
 squirtin . 
 
 " See here !" says I, forgittin all about who 
 made him, "dew let me show you how to 
 sprinkle clo es like a civilized bein !" And I put 
 my hand into the bowl and showed him how
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. \7\ 
 
 My stars ! you orter see that Chinyman jump 
 and hyper round ! His pigtail flopped most up to 
 the plasterin ! He seemed to think I was goin 
 to wet him, and I guess water is somethin they 
 don t low ter touch only in the way o business. 
 
 When he see I only threw it over the clo es, he 
 carmed down, and smiled and nodded his head. 
 " Velly good, velly good," he said, 
 
 Jest then another big Chinee that I hadn t seen 
 afore, and a little boy, come in, each on em 
 bringin a dish o somethin steamin hot that 
 they put on the table. I says to the big one, 
 " Be you a man or a woman?" for they was all 
 dressed pretty much alike in long frocks with 
 great floppin sleeves to em. They all laughed 
 when I asked that question, and the big fat one 
 pinted fust to herself and then to me, and says, " I 
 samee lady allee samee lady." I was glad to 
 hear that, and I shook hands with her and felt 
 more to home. 
 
 We stopped to see em eat dinner. They 
 wa n t a mite bashful, and they grinned at us and 
 seemed mitily tickled. I must say they was as 
 civil, good-natered folks as I ever come acrost, if 
 they was he thin . 
 
 There didn t seem to be but two kinds o vit- 
 tles. There was a big dish o rice, and another 
 of cabbage, all tore up into little pieces, with a 
 mess o ile poured over it. They brought up 
 their stools all to once, and set down together. 
 Each one took a little bowl of rice and hild it 
 close under his chin, and opened his mouth and 
 pushed the rice in with two round sticks, and 
 kep a pushin on t in till his mouth was runnin
 
 1/2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 over full, as if it had been a rat hole he was stop- 
 pin up ! They never chewed a mite nor shet 
 their jaws together till they had put in a bowlful ! 
 
 " But, after all," thinks I to myself, " I ve seen 
 good Christian church members to church suppers 
 show wuss table manners than what these hethin 
 Chinymen do." 
 
 As long as they couldn t understand me very 
 well I thought I wouldn t try to improve em any 
 more, and we left em to finish their dinner in 
 their own way. 
 
 After that we went into a bird store, where they 
 kep all kinds o birds and a good many animals, 
 specially monkeys. There was one man there 
 lookin at the monkeys, that thought he knew all 
 about monkeys and the human race, too. He 
 talked all the time stiddy to somebody, and final 
 ly he fastened on to me. 
 
 " Madam," says he, " I m a Darwinyan." Then 
 he went on to tell how our forefathers and fore- 
 mothers way back was monkeys and baboons, till 
 I got all out o patience with him. I tried to shet 
 him up or git away from him, but he kept follei- 
 in me round and talk, talkin . Finally, we stopped 
 before an old gray-headed monkey, with a smooth 
 face, that did look jest like a human bein , I must 
 confess. 
 
 The Darwin man pinted to the monkey and 
 turned to me with a look of triump . " There ! 
 says he, significant. 
 
 " Yes, sir," says I, lookin fust at the monkey, 
 and then at him, " I dew see a strikin resem 
 blance ! He does look enough like ye to be your 
 twin brother, that s a fact !"
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 73 
 
 He didn t stay long after that, and he let me 
 nLme. I guess he was satisfied ; he d carried his 
 pint anyway 
 
 Alter IV been in the city quite a spell and 
 knew my way round some, I used to go out shop- 
 pin alone. One day I d been tradin in a great 
 dry goods store the biggest in the city and 
 was jest thinkin I d got bout through, when, in 
 passin by the lace department, my eye lit on to a 
 harnsome lace shawl hangin up for show. I m 
 dretful fond o nice laces, and I dew enjoy to see 
 em, if I can t wear em. Wall, I was lookin at 
 that shawl, kinder idle, not thinkin of anything 
 in particular, when a man stepped up to me and 
 clapped his hand on to my shoulder, and turnin 
 to a clerk standin by, he says, " Here s my 
 woman, Davis." 
 
 I was awful scairt, and I tried to twitch away , 
 but he hild on to me. I knew somethin was 
 wrong, and as quick as I could git my breath so s 
 to speak carrn and rashinal, I looked the man 
 right in the face, and says I, " You re mistaken, 
 sir ; I ain t your woman nor anybody s else. I 
 never was married." You see I didn t know but 
 his wife, or somebody s wife, had run away, and 
 he was after her but he laughed, and so did the 
 other man. 
 
 " Mister," says I agin, " I don t know you, but 
 I see by your coat you re a perliceman,- -won t 
 you be so kind as to tell me what I ve been a do- 
 in of? I m a stranger here, and like enough I ve 
 broke some o your rules without knowin on t," 
 says I, try in hard to keep from cryin . 
 
 That perliceman he jest shet up one big eye
 
 A. MAN STEPPED UP TO ME AND CLAPPED HIS HAND ON TO Ml 
 SHOULDER, AND HE SAYS, "HERE S MV WOMAN." (Page 173.) 
 
 174
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 175 
 
 and looked at me out o t other, and says he, " Oh, 
 we all know how innercent you be, we do; that s 
 why we eall ye Simple Susan j ye know Come 
 along Susan, I ve seenj)/0 before." 
 
 " I never seejy*?^ before, and I hope to massy 
 I never shall agin!" says I, gettin mad at bein 
 spoke to so. "And, moreover, I want you to 
 understand that my name aint "Simple Susan" 
 nor nothin like it ; and I won t go one step out 
 o this store with ye, till you teil me what for and 
 where tew not if you pull me to pieces !" 
 says I. 
 
 " Where tew and w hat for ?" says the perlice- 
 man. " For stealiri a $200 lace shawl right here 
 yesterday afternoon and you re goin to the 
 lock-up. Now you know jest as well as you did 
 afore," and they both laughed as if it was a good 
 joke. 
 
 " Where s the man that owns this store ? I 
 should like to see him," says I. 
 
 They sent for him, and he come right along. 
 He was a great noble lookin man, and he had a 
 good face ; I took to him to once. 
 
 "Mister," says I, "can these men take me off 
 to the lobby when I haint done nothin ? Can t 
 you tell me what to dew ?" 
 
 He looked me over carm and serious. " I 
 should say at fust sight it was Simple Susan, 
 sartin ," says he ; " but after all, there s somethin 
 about her that makes me think she ain t no thief. 
 Perhaps we re mistakened, Davis." 
 
 "Oh, I beg pardin, sir," speaks up the perlice- 
 man, touchin his hat, " but I should know the 
 woman in Afriky. Her picter s been in the Rogues
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Gallery for years. Lord, sir, the more innercent 
 they look, the vvuss they be ! I know em !" 
 
 " Oh, you dew !" thinks I, growin madder 
 every minnit. 
 
 " Mister perliceman," says I, " taint the wust 
 thing in the world to look innercent, but its better 
 to be so. And unless your looks belie ye, your 
 own picter orter be hangin in that ere gallery 
 you spoke on." The other men smiled a little, 
 and he turned red s fire. " Wall," says he, scowl- 
 in at me awful fierce, " I can t stand round here 
 all day ; I guess you ll have to come with me." 
 
 Mister Flood (I found out afterwards that was 
 the store-keeper s name), he looked at me onde- 
 cided and troubled. " There don t seem to be no 
 other way jest now," says he, " but I ll call round 
 and see you bimeby, and if you re the honest 
 woman I more n half believe you to be, we ll 
 find some way out o this." 
 
 I was so dumfonnded and mad, and shamed, 
 that all I could think or dew was to wish the airth 
 would open and swaller me ! Me bein took off 
 to the lobby for stealiri f The tears come so 
 fast I couldn t see to walk, and I went stumblin 
 along. I s pose everybody thought I was a 
 drunken woman. 
 
 The fust rashional thought I had was, " What 
 would my friend Hannibal Hawkins say, if he see 
 me now! I happened to look up jest at that 
 pint o time, and there, comin straight towards 
 us as fast as his long legs could fetch him, his eyes 
 stickin out of his head with astonishment, was 
 the very person I had in mind my punkin-siftet 
 man /
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1/7 
 
 When we come up with one n other, of course 
 he see by my tears and so on, and by the com 
 pany I was in, that somethin dretful had hap 
 pened. He grabbed my hand, and says he, " h 
 it thus we meet at last ! What is wrong with you 
 my friend, what is wrong ?" 
 
 The perlicernan and I, we explained together ; 
 only our stories didn t exackly tally, and the per- 
 liceman ordered him to " make himself scarce, 
 and not interfere with an officer o justice in the 
 discharge of his dooty !" 
 
 Mister Hawkins he drawed himself up to his 
 full statur of feet and inches, and says he, " I will 
 accompany this lady to the place o her desterna- 
 tion and find out a way to sarve her." 
 
 He looked so grand and so detarmined that the 
 perliceman didn t see fit to objeck, and we all 
 went along together. 
 
 Wall, when we got to the lobby buildin , who 
 should be standin on the steps waitin for us but 
 Mister Flood and brother-in-law George Henry ! 
 So I didn t have to be locked up after all ! 
 
 You see when I went away with the perliceman 
 I left my bag behind in the store, and Mister 
 Flood in lookin over its contints found George 
 Henry s business card, and he happened to know 
 him well. So he took the card and bag Over to 
 his store, post-haste, and they started out after us 
 together. 
 
 George Henry laughed at me for bein so 
 stoopid as not to think to tell who I was, and 
 where a visitin . It was stoopid, sure enough, 
 but I was so worked up I couldn t think o nothin .
 
 178 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 Perhaps he would a been jest as stoopid in my 
 place. 
 
 Wall, then I interdooced the punkin -siftei 
 man, and he explained how he found a telegraph 
 waitin for him that mornin we rived together in 
 Chicago, sayin his mother was dyin , and he went 
 right back home. But he hadn t never fcigot 
 me, and as soon as he could, he started agin for 
 the West ; and here he was, carpet bag in hand, 
 as grand and harnsome as ever ! I felt proud 
 enough I tell ye, and I crowed over Gusty well. 
 It had all come out jest as I had faith to believe 
 it would, hadn t it ? 
 
 When George Henry come home that night he 
 said, how t they d got the real thief the real 
 Simple Susan this time. "And I have seen her 
 picter," says he, "and I do declare for t, Ruth 
 Ann, you dew look enough alike to be twins ! I 
 couldn t blame nobody after I see that picter !" 
 
 I lay awake half the night thinkin how curis it 
 all was, and wonderin if I couldn t do somethin 
 to help that woman that looked so much like me. 
 i was so happy myself that I couldn t bear to 
 think of misery comin to any other woman. 
 " She can t enjoy sech a business," thinks I to 
 myself. " I know now how it feels to be took 
 up for stealin , and I m sure she can t enjoy 
 it." 
 
 In the mornin I says to George Henry : 
 " George Henry, I want you to take me over to 
 the lobby and let me see that woman. I believe 
 it is my dooty to go to her." 
 
 Fust, he said how t I shouldn t do no sech 
 thing; and Gusty, she begged on me not to go.
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD AIAID. l?<) 
 
 " It s a disgraceful thing from.beginnin to end," 
 says she, "and to do that would be vvust of all. 
 I wouldn t go nigh her. What would Mister 
 Hawkins say ?" 
 
 Knowin how good he was, I knew well enough 
 what he would say. " He set me an example of 
 bein good to thieves," says I, half laughin , half 
 cryin , "and I mean to foller it; I m a goin ," 
 says I. 
 
 "Wall, if you must go, dew for pity s sake put 
 on a thick vail," say^ Gusty. So I did, and we 
 went along. 
 
 I think s likely you never happened to meet a 
 person that looked so much like ye that you had 
 to pinch yourself to find out which was which, as 
 it were ; so you can t imagine how queer I felt 
 when I see " Simple Susan." 
 
 She seemed to feel queer tew, for when I took 
 off my vail she drawed in her breath, and says she, 
 with a curis smile, " I heerd bout you bein took 
 for me yesterday ; I do hope you won t feel lifted 
 up on account o lookin like the celerbrated thief ^ 
 Simple Susan, " says she, sarkastical. " Strange, 
 ain t it, that a woman can look innercent as a baby 
 and be a thief and a smart one, too !" 
 
 " Oh, don t brag on t ; don t Susan !" says I, " it 
 makes me feel bad." 
 
 " If you come. here to preach you can go long 
 quick s you please," says she ; and there was a 
 turrible hard look in her eyes. 
 
 " I didn t come to preach, Susan ; fur from it," 
 says I, "though you may need it bad enough. 
 But when I found out you looked so much like 
 me, I felt kinder interested and sorry for you,
 
 i&O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 
 
 and jest called round to see if I couldn t dew 
 somethin to help you." 
 
 " Respectable folks ain t in the habit o caljin 1 
 on thieves," says she, lookin at me sharp and 
 suspicious. "Ain t you fraid I ll pick your 
 pocket fore you git out, now ? " 
 
 I clapped my hand to my pocket quick s a 
 wink ; then I was shamed o myself and my face 
 turned blazin red. 
 
 " Forgive me, Susan," says I, " I did it fore I 
 thought." 
 
 She laughed and shrugged up her shoulders. 
 
 " I never steal from anybody but rich folks," 
 says she. 
 
 " But is it pleasant business ? It s so awful resky, 
 I don t see how you can enjoy it," says I. " I 
 should want to know where I was goin to sleep 
 nights at least." 
 
 She laughed agin. " It s profterble some 
 times," she says, " and then, it s vittles and drink 
 to me to steal from the rich folks, I hate em so ! " 
 And she looked so fierce I said to myself I hope 
 to massy I never looked like that. I hove a sigh, 
 I couldn t help it. 
 
 " Wall," says I, " pretty likely you know what s 
 right and what s wrong s well s I do. Mebby you 
 went to church and read your Bible when you 
 was a gal to home with your mar ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes ; you needn t mention them things," 
 says she, kinder off hand. 
 
 "Susan," says I, finally, "have you got any 
 family ?" I see a change come over her face in 
 a minnit. tier lips begun to woik, and she 
 looked as if she was goin to cry. " Because," I
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. l8l 
 
 continnered, " if you have, mebby I could do 
 somethin for em or take some message to em. 
 
 " I ve only got a little boy," says she. " Me 
 goes round the streets all day playin his violin. I 
 s pose he s at it now, and he don t know I m shet 
 up, so he ll go home to-nignt, and when he don t 
 find his mammy, he ll take on and grieve and 
 break his little heart ! " Then she began to rock 
 herself back ards and for ards and sob and cry and 
 take on bitter. 
 
 " He s all I ve got in the world," she said, " and 
 I d give every drop o blood in my body for him. 
 But he ll grieve for his mammy he ll grieve for 
 his rnammy ! " 
 
 I went up to her with the tears streamin down 
 my cheeks. " Tell me where to find him," says I, 
 "and I ll look after him a little, ^nd perhaps I can 
 bring him to see you." 
 
 She riz up then and grabbed my hand, and 
 kissed it and pressed it to her heart, but she never 
 spoke a word. 
 
 " Mebby," says I, " for his sake, you ll be 
 willin to think bout bout goin into some other 
 biisiness. Wouldn t it be better for the boy ? 
 Try to think on t." 
 
 She told me where to find the child Julian 
 Fin net was his name and I went away. 
 
 Wall, I thought I wouldn trouble the folks 
 this time, so I never said a word, but went alone 
 and hunted up the little violin-player. He was 
 as pretty a boy as I ever set eyes on. He seemed 
 to be a good boy, too, and the neighbors all spoke 
 well on him. He was most distracted bout his 
 "mammy" as he called her -and it was a good
 
 1 82 ADVENTURES OF AN OL MAID. 
 
 while fore I could do anything with him. 
 Finally I got him to play for me, and the music 
 seemed to carm him more than anything else. I 
 ain t no judge o music, but it did seem to me as 
 if there was somethin oncommon about the 
 child s playin , and I meant to find out if I was 
 right. 
 
 Now what do you think I did ? I went over 
 to that big store and called on Mister Flood. 
 
 " Mister Flood," says I, " I knew you was a 
 good man, the minnit I set eyes on ye, and 1 
 hear that you do a great deal for your feller bein s 
 one way n another. Now I believe here s a 
 chance, and I ve took the liberty to come and tell 
 you about it. Then I told him how I visited 
 Simple Susan," and how I believed there was 
 good in her that we could git at through her lit 
 tle boy. I asked him to hear him play, and do 
 somethin for him, if he thought best. 
 
 Wall, the upshot on t was, Mister Flood dis- 
 kivered that the boy was & genyus, and he got him 
 a teacher and took care on him while his mother 
 was in the lobby. And he was sech a good little 
 feller, and so interestin that Mister Flood got real 
 tached to him, and the boy fairly worshipped 
 him. 
 
 They managed to git the mother off, so she 
 didn t have to go to jail, and when she found out 
 all that had been done for Julian, and who done 
 it she seemed all made over new. T any rate the 
 last I heard from her she was livin an honest 
 life, and her boy was playin at concerts for good 
 prices. 
 
 One thing more and I am done. The mornrn
 
 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 183 
 
 / 
 
 me and Mister Hawkins started to come back 
 East, little Julian come over and brought a box 
 from Mister Flood, sayin it was a weddiri present. 
 and I mustn t e pen it till I got home. When I 
 did open it, I found a harnsome lace shawl and a 
 jrt V laces for my neck and sleeves. And inside 
 on the kiver was writ the giver s name and * God 
 Bless Aunt Rutk."
 
 THE ADVENTURES 
 
 OF A 
 
 BASHFUL IRISHMAN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 DOCTOR KILLQUICK AND 1. 
 
 My name is O Blarnoy. I was born beside a hedge, 
 under an umbrella, during" a shower, about a stone s 
 throw from my father s farm-house. The night pre 
 vious to my introduction into this vale of tears was 
 marked by a singular occurrence. My mother, a plump 
 philanthropist of forty, dreamed that she was de 
 livered of a rope, a circumstance which the gossips 
 in the neighborhood, one and all, agreed was ominous 
 of a rather unpleasant event in my career. 
 
 My father w r as a middle-aged farmer, in the usual 
 indifferent circumstances. In his notions of business 
 this gentleman was a staunch advocate of the free-trade 
 system, and, from his vicinity to the sea-coast, he had 
 frequent opportunities of reducing his favorite theory 
 to practice. 
 
 Such being the two-fold nature of his vocation (hat 
 is to say, being a farmer by day and a smuggler by 
 night he had little or no time to throw away upon my 
 education, and I, accordingly, shot up from infancy to 
 boyhood as wild and undisciplined as a colt. 
 
 The history of all childhood is pretty nearly tho 
 
 (7)
 
 8 bOCTOK KILLQUIUK AND I. 
 
 same; I shall therefore pass it by, and come at once to 
 the period when I attained my seventeenth year. At 
 this epoch I was placed in the shop of a certain village 
 doctor, by the name of Killquick, a waggish, good- 
 humored little fellow, who was famous throughout the 
 district for the invention of specifics, by the help ot 
 which he wrought the most surprising cures. As the 
 doctor in his personal appearance passed the verge ol 
 the extraordinary and approached to the miraculous, 1 
 must pause to give a sketch of him. He had the head 
 of a giant fixed upon the shoulders of a dwarf. His eyes 
 were of a gooseberry color ; his nose was gathered up 
 in a bunch in the middle, just as if Dame Nature had, 
 in a frolicsome mood, tied it in a double knot; his 
 teeth were tusks in shape and size; he had a split in 
 his upper lip, which enabled him to give a full and 
 perfect development to the broadest grin that ever 
 threw a stranger into hysterics; his mouth was not 
 so much a mouth as a huge gash scored at random 
 across his face; and he had two big red ears, which 
 projected from each side of his head like the lamp 
 lights of a mail-coach. 
 
 Next to the doctor, the greatest curiosity in the county 
 was the doctor s horse; which, having long been the 
 subject of-its master s experiments, had been physicked 
 into a most promising state of atrophy. The very lean 
 est hackney coach-horse that ever crawled would have 
 blushed to have been seen in his company. Of course, 
 the doctor was proud of such an evidence of his medical 
 skill, and it was as rich a treat as eyes could behold, 
 to see him mounted on its back, swaying to and fro 
 like a scarecrow in a steady wind, while every little 
 ragged urchin for miles around would take flight at his 
 approach, as if only to look were to be physicked. 
 
 Under this original, my genius for pharmacy (which 
 at a subsequent period, as tne reader will find, I turned 
 to account, developed itself with such precocity that the 
 doctor spoke of me everywhere as the most promising 
 pupil he ever had; and even went so far as to intrust
 
 DOCTOR KILLQUICB AND I 
 
 me with the secret of his recipes at which, in process 
 of time, I fully equaled, if not surpassed, him. More 
 over, he imbued me with my first notions of th* drama: 
 for, strange to tell, he imagined he had a gift that way; 
 and whenever a new company made its appearance, he 
 always took me with him to witness their perform 
 ances. His favorite character was Hamlet, whick, he 
 contended should be played in a straight waistcoat, a& 
 furnishing a lively and original comment upon the 
 peculiarities of the character. 
 
 It is a pity that such a versatile genius should die; 
 but doctors, like the rest of mankind, are mortal more 
 especially when they are in the habit of taking their own 
 physic and, accordingly, it came to pass that my 
 excellent master quitted his patients in this world to 
 rejoin those who crowded the other, in consequence of 
 having, in a moment of forgetful ness, drank, a hearty 
 draught of one of his own elixirs. 
 
 From his hands I was transferred to Father O Flan- 
 naghan a round, rosy, comfortable ecclesiastic of the 
 old school, who, had seen much of the world and 
 prided himself not a little on his discernment of char 
 acter. He prophesied my rise in life from having 
 marked the attention with which I listened to his 
 remarks, and the facility with which I adapted my 
 self to his habits. The respect of youth is the most 
 effective compliment that can be paid to age. Worldly 
 natures are peculiarly alive to this flattery. They 
 imagine it the outpouring of artlessness and sincerity, 
 which, experience has taught them, it is all but vain 
 to expect from those of their own age and standing. 
 
 Father O Flannaghan felt my deference to his 
 opinions as a compliment in its fullest acceptation, and 
 showed that he felt it by the way in which he repaid 
 me with exhortation. " Ever bear in mind, Terence, 1 
 he was often in the habit of saying, " The great ob 
 ject of existence is the acquisition of power. Gain this 
 conscientiously if you can; but, at all events, gain it 
 for the world respects you solely for your influence;
 
 10 DOCTOR KILLQUICK ANJ? 1 
 
 it has neither leisure nor inclination to canvass the 
 means by which you gained it. Remember, also, thai 
 man is the natural prey of man, and that, if you ret rain 
 from turning your friend to a rational and profitable 
 account, you will do him no service, but yourself much 
 injury." 
 
 Such, with few or no variations, was the usual sub 
 stance of Father O Flannaghan s admonitions, which, I 
 may say, almost moulded my entire habits of thought 
 and action. 
 
 I continued with this good man up to the period of my 
 twenty-first birthday, when I returned to my father s 
 roof, wiser, certainly more self-confident and more am 
 bitious; but quite as poor as when I quitted it. About 
 this period, my mother was accidentally killed by her 
 own brother in one of those pugnacious moods with 
 which the best of Irishmen are at times afflicted. It is 
 soothing to reflect that the worthy lady died in 
 excellent spirits, and that, on the Sunday following her 
 wake, one-half the town appeared with their heads 
 hound up. 
 
 Passing over a host of unimportant incidents, I ap 
 proach the period of my first love. My first love! 
 What a world of ineptitude and insanity is comprised 
 in those two words! The object of my attachment was 
 the only daughter of Mr. Mahoney. She was a grace 
 ful, sprightly young creature, a piquant mixture of the 
 coquette and the prude, with an eye blacker than coal; 
 hair soft and dusky as twilight; a mouth small, flexible, 
 expressive, and in the angles of which an arch smile 
 perpetually nestled; a bust formed on the purest classic 
 model; and a figure tall, slim, yet just sufficiently 
 plump and rounded to convey the idea of perfect 
 health and symmetry. 
 
 i had beeii in the habit of encountering Miss 
 Mahoney in the course of my daily strolls about the 
 neighborhood, and, though I cannot assert that she 
 made me the object of any very marked scrutiny, yet 
 a thousand casual acts of attention made me fancy
 
 DOCTOK KILLQU1CK AND J. 11 
 
 that I was not altogether indifferent to her. 
 
 When once this nattering notion had fixed itself in 
 my thoughts, it was astonishing how it contrived to 
 feed and thrive on air. There is nothing like idleness 
 to nourish the sentimentalities and conceits of youth. 
 Once, as I was guiding a remarkably handsome young 
 English oih cer towards Gralway, whither his regiment 
 had been lately ordered, Miss Mahoney passed us on 
 horseback, when I instantly detected a blush on her 
 countenance. These, with other trivial circumstances, 
 which I cannot stop to explain, brought home to my 
 mind the delightful assurance that I was not unbe- 
 loved by the finest girl in all the land. 
 
 We moved, to be sim>, in different circles; but what 
 of that? Love is a Jeweler whose pride it is to over 
 throw all the obstacle? which circumstance and situa 
 tion may oppose to his progress. 
 
 I was proverbially sanguine, and from the first 
 moment of my encounter with Miss Mahoney I felt 
 persuaded that f:v ;o had destined us for each other. 
 This idea hauntoM me incessantly. I became shadowy 
 and transparent affected the moonlight, and sought 
 for sympathy i l the stars. If I went out for a ramble, 
 it was to steal a glance at Mi.ss Mahoney. If I smiled, 
 it was on Miss Mahoney. If I prayed, it was for Mi-> 
 Mahoney. If I rhymed, it was on Miss Mahoney. If I 
 swore, it, was by Miss Mahoney. If I dreamed, it was 
 of Miss Mahoney. 
 
 My father and I were seated together one niirht. be 
 side the fire; when, .aroused by a sigh which involun 
 tarily escaped me, he laid down his paper, and looking at 
 me with a serio-comic air said "Terence, what ails you: " 
 
 For the life of mo I could not answer. 
 
 " By the power.-,, the boy s bewitched!" rejoined my 
 father. 
 
 " Right, sir, 1 am bewitched." 
 
 " Aisy, lad, &.\id tell me all about it; sure, then, it * 
 myself will soe you righted at least, so there s no 
 law iu the ^>se."
 
 MY FUtST LOVE. 
 
 CHAPTER H. 
 
 JIT FIRST LOVE. 
 
 There was a plausibility about this that at once gained 
 cay attention; for I could not but remember that 
 my father had, himself, in early life, been a martyr to 
 the tender passion, therefore, I felt I had every right 
 to look for sympathy; so, after a moment s hesitation, 
 when he had twice repeated his question, I burst out 
 with, " Father, I m in love!" 
 
 I thought he would go oft in a fit at this confession. 
 
 "Father, I m in love, " no said, mimicking the touch 
 ing sadness of my voice and countenance. "Ha, Ha, Ha! 
 was ever such a thing heard of! And pray, Terence, 
 who are you in love with?" 
 
 When I mentioned the lady s name, my father s 
 laughter broke out with more violence than ever. 
 " Oh, murder!" he exclaimed digging the tears out of 
 h s eyes with his knuckles, "this lad 11 be the death of 
 me!" 
 
 "Then, sir," I suddenly replied, " since you turn 
 my sufferings into ridicule, and give me not an atom 
 of encouragement, I shall go and hang myself." 
 
 " And what good 11 that do hey, Terence;" 
 
 The question was a striking one, and reconciled me 
 at once to existence. Nevertheless, despairing of re 
 ceiving any further serviceable suggestions from a man 
 who was fast hastening to pass the boundary line of 
 sobriety, I resolutely refused to answer any more of 
 his interrogatories; but wrapping myself in the silence 
 of a lofty indignation, quitted the room and retired to 
 bed. 
 
 The next day the conversation of the preceding 
 night was resumed. But, singularly enough, my fath 
 er s notions had undergone a change. Instead of ridi-
 
 MY FIRST LOVE. 13 
 
 ruling- my presumption or giving up my case as hope 
 less, he now advised me to persevere, and even went 
 the length of urging me to indite what he called "a 
 tine flourishing" love-letter to Miss Mahoncv, to which 
 1 added a postscript, stating that the individual to 
 whom the note referred would, himself, wait for a reply 
 the next day in a certain lane, whose position I took 
 care to lay down with accuracy. 
 
 Well, the letter, penned, folded, and addressed, was 
 consigned to my father s custody, who set out to deliver 
 it into the hands, if possible, of the lady herself; while 
 I spent the interval of his absence in conjuring up a 
 thousand flattering anticipations. Within an hour 
 the old man returned. He had delivered my missive, 
 he said, with an arch smile, to a footman at the hall- 
 door, and, after waiting fully ten minutes fora reply, was 
 informed by the servant, at the command of his mis 
 tress, that none was needed. 
 
 Silence gives consent. I, at least, was not willing 
 to suppose otherwise, and so persuaded myself that I 
 had but to make my appearance, in decent trim, at the 
 place of rendezvous, to be received as my merits de 
 served. 
 
 Decent trim! The phrase was an awkward one, and 
 replete with discouraging reminiscences. I was, in 
 truth, most delicately situated in this respect. My 
 coat was a fragment; and my hat had lost its crown. 
 In the move secluded villages, possessions such as the.se 
 are acquired by inheritance, or left by will as legacies. 
 No man dreams of purchasing them on his own ac 
 count; I was not an exception to the general rule, con 
 sequently my ancestral wardrobe was in a sorry condi 
 tion; nothing but the ingenuity and perseverance of 
 my father, who assisted me in the endeavor to render 
 it again fit for service, enabled me at length to work 
 out my ideas of decent trim. 
 
 It was a delightful morning- when I set out on my 
 sentimental journey. The birds were singing on every 
 hedge they could find to sing on; the wild colts were
 
 14 MY FIKST LOVE. 
 
 running races on the moor; the spirit of universal 
 happiness lay soft and sunny upon the earth. 
 
 On I went till I caught the first glimpse of the r.p- 
 pointed lane; when, halting close under the shadow 
 of an elm, I began to frame an address Avorthy of my 
 self and Miss Mahoney. I felt that I had but to speak 
 to conquer. 
 
 Thus absorbed, 1 came within sight of the place of 
 rendezvous. On reaching it, I halted and cast a 
 hurried glancearound me to asceitain if the shape of a 
 female form were moving before me. But all was still 
 and breathless. Presently, I heard a rustling I 
 listened the branches parted with a crash but, in 
 stead of the laughing figure I expected to see bound 
 through the aperture, an old cow stared me full in the 
 face! 
 
 At length, the sound of footsteps came quickly up 
 the lane, and in a few minutes, three men, in whose 
 faces I was not slow to recognize mischief, advanced 
 towards me. The foremost Avas a favorite English 
 groom of Mr. Mahoney. "What," said I, "can this 
 import? Nothing but disappointment! Yet I cannot 
 have been mistaken in my anticipations! Those smi Ics 
 that look, can they have V No, no it must not, can 
 not be! Courage, then all will yet be well!" And, 
 thus I boldly resolved to await the result of circum 
 stances. 
 
 Terence," said the vile Saxon, "is this your letter:" 
 
 "Yes," I replied, in a tone of becoming confidence. 
 
 "And you hope to receive an answer from my young 
 lady in person?" 
 
 "Undoubtedly." 
 
 "Truly, a very modest confession." 
 
 "Sir," said I, "it is not Avith you that I want to 
 speak; when I need your counsel, I will not fail to ask 
 it." 
 
 The Avretch turned to his fellows Avith a sneer. I 
 caught the expression, and prepared for instant flight. 
 But the man had evidently anticipated some such
 
 jlY FIRST LOVE. 15 
 
 maneuver; and before I hud time to enter into satisfac 
 tory explanations, made a sign to his companions, who, 
 with an alacrity which I shall never think of without 
 disgust, seized me by the Legs and arms, and trotted 
 otF with me towards a neighboring field, where a mob 
 was anxiously expecting my arrival. 
 
 On seeing me approach, the whole assembly burst 
 into uproarious laughter, and in an incredibly short 
 space of time adjusted a blanket, threw me right into 
 the middle of it and sent me, head over heels, high up 
 into the astonished sky. 
 
 I forbear to enumerate the reluctant somersets I 
 threw: I shrink from details of the height to which I 
 rose, or the depth to which I fell: suffice it to say that 
 at one moment I was as near to heaven as a doctor s 
 patient, and the next as far removed from it as a lawyer. 
 
 For at least half an hour, I kept rising and sinking 
 in this very indecorous fashion now, impersonating 
 the sublime, and now, the pathos at the expiration of 
 which time I was set once more on my legs, and com 
 plimented on my termination to "Love s young dream!" 
 
 Overcome with shame and offended* delicacy, I was 
 preparing to sneak from. the field, when whom should 
 I encounter but my father! The old man said noth 
 ing; but when he winked his eye, and laid his fore 
 finger beside his nose, at the same time casting a sly 
 glance at the blanket, I thought I should have gone 
 distracted. To be thus outraged by a mob and jeered 
 by a parent to have one s sensibilities thus blighted, 
 as it were, in the bud flesh and blood could not endure 
 the shock, so, like a maniac, I rushed from the scene 
 nor halted till many long miles lay between me and 
 the scene of my humiliation. 
 
 After three hours walking, during which my fancy 
 had shaped out a thousand plans for the future for, 
 resolved never to return home, I already looked on 
 myself as a citizen of the world I was compelled 
 from exhaustion to come to a halt; so seating myself a 
 tew yards iroiii the road, 1 reviewed, as dispassionately
 
 Iti HUMAN NATUKE. 
 
 as the state of my ribs would allow, the events of the 
 last few hours. 
 
 "Had I possessed but ordinary assurance," I said, "I 
 should not have been thus situated. What had I to do 
 with sneaking about waiting for stolen interviews with 
 young ladies? I should have known better what was 
 due to the dignity of manhood have gone boldly up 
 to the house pleaded my cause in person and trusted 
 to my stars for the result. Instead of which, I have 
 proved myself a spooney! Is it wonderful that I am 
 treated with contempt: Is not a blanketing the legit 
 imate inheritance of such a ninny? Oh, fool! fool! this 
 confounded modesty will be my ruin!" 
 
 Turning from this reverie, I proceeded to discuss the 
 plan of my future the advice of Father O Flan- 
 naghan recurred tome with healing effect. "Yes," I 
 exclaimed. "I will neither despond nor become desper 
 ate, Fortune is rarely coy to those who know how to 
 contend for her favors. If one thing fails, I will try 
 another. I have talents, I have something of educa 
 tion; and Nature, if she has cursed me with shame- 
 facedness, has, it is to be hoped, blessed me with suffi 
 cient energy to neutralize it. 
 
 By this time, the day was wearing on, and as my afflic 
 tions, though severe, had not deprived me of appetite, 
 I made all possible haste towards the nearest town. 
 My speed \vas uuincumbered with bag and baggage, 
 tor my whole wardrobe was on my back, and my whok 
 stock of cash consisted of very little. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 HUMAN NATURE. 
 
 By twilight, I reached a village, and entering a 
 small inn, called for the landlord and ordered supper 
 in that tone of authority which implies the possession 
 of the ways and means.
 
 HUMAN NATURE. 17 
 
 The man hastened to obey my summons, and in a 
 few minutes returned with some cheese, (by no means 
 improved by age) hot potatoes, a loaf of home-made 
 bread, and, what I feel justified in asserting was, 
 very passable coffee. 
 
 The sharp edge of appetite was soon blunted on 
 these viands, to which a bowl of coffee lent the finest 
 possible relish and rendered me insensible to all anx 
 ieties. 
 
 In the course of the evening the room gradually 
 filled; and just when my spirits had attained an envia 
 ble point of elevation, and I was ripe for any frolic, a 
 random remark, let fall by an individual who was 
 drinking with some others at a table at the far end of 
 the room, gave rise to a tart rejoinder from, one of his 
 companions, to which he as tartly replied. 
 
 A crowd was soon gathered about the disputants; 
 the strife of tongues began to wax loud and louder, till 
 at length, a blow, aimed at the author of the fray 
 brought on what was indeed a lovely "scrimmage." 
 No one dreamed of siding either with this party or 
 with that; impartiality being the order of the clay, all 
 you were expected to do was to pitch into your next 
 neighbor and get as much fun out of him as possible. 
 
 Was I idle all this time? No! It was not in human 
 certainly not in Irish nature to resist the tempta 
 tion. In a wonderfully short space of time, therefore, I 
 found myself in the very thick of the battle, anchored 
 alongside the individual whose Avild rattle had origi 
 nated it. Scarcely had I taken up this position, when 
 such a terrific blow was aimed at my neighbor s head 
 as must infallibly have demolished him, if I had not 
 intercepted it by dexterously interposing the leg of a 
 broken stool with which I had armed myself. 
 
 On seeing this, he turned round and giving me alook, 
 as much as to say, "I am too busy now, but will thank 
 you when it is all over," set to work again, in conceit 
 with myself, with such well-directed energy, while the 
 others were all hammering away at random, that when
 
 18 . HUAIAN NATURE. 
 
 the landlord rushed in to separate the combatants, we 
 \verc the onlyjtwo who were not lavishly embellished 
 with black eyes, and other such pugilistic illustrations. 
 
 After a cleverly-sustained affair of about half an 
 hour, peace was restored. Some quitted the coffee-room 
 for the purpose of anointing their wounds; others 
 resumed their places in high glee at the entertainment 
 they had just received; while the stranger whom IhaiJ 
 so opportunely befriended, after squeezing me by the 
 hand a dozen times, took his seat beside me and insisted 
 making my better acquaintance. 
 
 Something there was about this individual a certain 
 knowing air, half-comic, half-disconsolate, betokened 
 the reckless adventurer whose entrance into a coffee- 
 room is the signal for the landlord to take away the- 
 silver spoons. 
 
 In the course of conversation with the stranger, we 
 slided imperceptibly into that most attractive of all 
 topics, the state of our mutual affairs. My story was 
 soon told, though not without repeated interruptions 
 from the laughter of my companion, who inquired, 
 when I had brought it to a close, what I intended to be 
 my next plan of proceeding. 
 
 I have been considering whether I should not make 
 the best of my way to the city and endeavor to pro. 
 cure a situation with some chemist or apothecary. 
 I have had some little experience in that line." 
 
 "Killed your man, no doubt What say you to offer 
 ing your services to some of the farmers hereabouts? 
 This is just the right time, you know." 
 
 "Sir!" said I indignantly, "I was born for nobler 
 objects than to walk at the plow." 
 
 Ambitious! Gad, I like your spirit." 
 
 "Yes, Father O Flannaghan used often to say that 
 if I played my cards well, I should rise in the world. 
 4 The lad is not without genius, was his frequent remark 
 to my father." 
 
 "Genius! Curse the phrase! I never hear it but I 
 think of a detective. Nothing flourishes that has the
 
 HUMAN NATURE. 19 
 
 slightest connection with it. Look at me I shouM 
 have been a rich man by this time, if it had not been 
 lor my genius." 
 
 "Yet Father O Flannaghan used to say that genius, 
 properly 
 
 Hang Father O Flannaghan! He knew nothing 
 about the matter. AVill genius fill your purse when it 
 is empty will it go bail for you will it even pay 
 your bill to-night? But let us drop the subject. Are 
 you fond of the stage!"" 
 
 "Very. In fact, I believe I have a turn that way; 
 for when living with Dr. Killquick, I was a constant 
 visitor at the theater." 
 
 Indeed! Then, perhaps, I may bo able to do some 
 thing for you. I am an actor myself." 
 
 "Is it possible?" said I, in a most deferential manner; 
 "yet, now I come to look more closely into your feat 
 ures, I do think I saw you play Hamlet one night at 
 least, I remember a performer being hissed off the stage 
 in that character." 
 
 "Sir, you have a very absurd way of expressing your 
 self. I never played Hamlet and never mean to do so. 
 The people are wholy incapable of appreciating a man 
 of mind in such a part." 
 
 I was convinced by this I was right, though I dis 
 creetly kept my opinion to myself, while the actor pro 
 ceeded as follows: 
 
 "Yes, sir, I am not only an actor of experience; but, 
 unfortunately, also of just sufficient genius to 
 
 "Excite the jealousy of your brother actors." 
 
 "Egad, you have hit it. In the last corps to which 7 
 attached myself, I was a deserved favorite!" 
 
 "How, then, came you to leave it?" 
 
 "Leave it? It was impossible to stay. Why, siv, 
 would you believe it, notwithstanding the houses 1 drew 
 as "Brulgruddery," the manager, jealous of ray gen iu*. 
 put another man into the part", and, not content wito 
 thu, actually stuck his name in large red letters at ta 
 top of the play-bill, while he printed mine in the very
 
 20 HUMAN NATURE. 
 
 smallest type at the bottom Scandalous! Wasn t it?" 
 
 "Yes; but what brings you to this out-of-the-way 
 placer" 
 
 "I have been assisting at a friend s benefit and am 
 now on my way to join the company by the by, just 
 talk of pleasure! The actor is the only man who really 
 knows what it means. At one moment, flush of wealth; 
 at another, without a sixpence; this night, figuring in 
 a gorgeous theater; the next, in a homely barn; now, 
 sipping champagne with squires; and now, swipes with 
 vagrants; hanging loose on the skirts of society, a very 
 Arab in independence there is no condition in life so 
 replete with all the elements of change, and conse 
 quently, of interest, as that of the actor. True, he has 
 his cares! But, despite my own ill-luck, your stroller 
 is the happiest dog in existence." 
 
 "You don t say so!" said I, catching the infection of 
 his convivial enthusiasm. 
 
 "Indeed, but I do, though! Conceive the ecstacy of 
 a first appearance! The crowded house the glittering 
 lights the inspiring music the stiire of approving crit 
 ics from the pit the fond gaze of beauty from the boxes 
 and then, as the first wave of your plumage is caught 
 from the side-wings, the profound, universal hush, so 
 sudden, so intense, that were a god but to blow his 
 nose, there would be an instant cry from all parts of 
 the house of Throw him over conceive all this, I say, 
 and allow, with me, that the actor s life is the only one 
 to which the name of pleasure can really apply!" 
 
 My fancy was fired with this description! In idea, I 
 was already a Garrick! My companion marked my 
 emotion. "You would make a capital actor!" he con 
 tinued; "but I will not press the question further at 
 present. I see you re affected ; probably by to-morrow 
 you will be inclined to entertain a favorable opinion of 
 my project. Meantime, I ll give you a toast Success 
 to the stage. All the world s a stag-e, as the divine 
 Billy says. Not, bad, hey?" 
 
 We sat talking till long past midnight; when, the
 
 HUMAN NATURE. 21 
 
 candles low in the sockets, and the landlord imperative, 
 we retired to our rooms. 
 
 The next morning I awoke with a desperate headnehr, 
 which was still further increased by the amount of the 
 bill sent in by the landlord; who, deceived by my ap 
 pearance, had charged me at a most exorbitant rate. 
 This comes of looking like a gentleman! 
 
 The hour of reckoning is the most melancholy in the 
 whole twenty-four. I found it so; and was ruminating 
 sadly on my destitute state, when my new friend came 
 to my assistance. 
 
 "I can (guess your^thoughts," said he; "whenever a 
 man puts on a long face, it is always for want of 
 money." 
 
 "You have guessed right. I am seriously troubled, 
 just now, on that score." 
 
 "No wonder ! all scores are troublesome. But be of 
 good cheer, man, I will pay the reckoning. Nay, no 
 apologies; besides, I have taken a fancy to you." 
 
 "But, my dear sir 
 
 "Not a word. Remember, I am now in your debt, for 
 last night you saved me from a broken head. If, how 
 ever, your pride dislikes the idea of obligation to a 
 stranger, you have it in your power to appease your 
 conscience by accepting an engagement. I am sure I 
 shall be able to get you one; for our company is sadly 
 in want of a novelty." 
 
 Needs must when the devil drives ; so, I allowed my 
 friend to discharge the entire reckoning, which task 
 performed, we set forward on our journey, under the 
 refreshing influence of a slow drizzle which threat 
 ened to keep us company the whole way
 
 22 THEATRICALS., 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THEATRICALS. 
 
 Contrary, I believe, to nine ont often theatrical aspi 
 rants, I commenced my campaign under very flatter 
 ing auspices. Thanks to the dramatic predilections of 
 Doctor Killqnick, and the license allowed me in my 
 studies by Father O Flannaghan! I had been in the 
 habit, during my unbewhiskered juvenility, of devour 
 ing a vast variety of plays ; so that when I entered on 
 my stage career, with these and the additional ad 
 vantages of a few preliminary lessons from my new 
 acquaintance, it was not altogether a novelty to me. 
 
 After my first appearance in Romeo, the editor of 
 the leading journal there, published, the day after my 
 debut the following- striking and pertinent remarks : 
 "Last night a Mr. Terence^ Felix O Blarney made his 
 first appearance here as Romeo. This young aspirant 
 possesses every qualification for the part. He has ex 
 cellent lungs; is exceedingly vigorous in his move 
 ments; and stands nearly, if not quite, six feet in his 
 shoes. His dress was singularly picturesque, and he 
 was received with enthusiasm by a most respectable 
 and fashionable audience. We understand, he appears 
 to-morrow night as Harlequin. Judging from his 
 Romeo, we should conceive he would play this very 
 difficult part to admiration. Both characters have many 
 points in common; both are young, active, in love, and 
 fond of leaping, and cqndcmned to experience the most 
 startling vicissitudes. We wish Mr. O Blarney all the 
 success that his genius so richly merits." 
 
 This able criticism brought me into instant notice. 
 Indeed, such and so sudden was my reputation, that be 
 fore my first month had expired, I was promoted, with 
 the offer of a free benefit at the close of the season.
 
 THEATRICALS. 23 
 
 My second and third appearances were as Hamlet 
 and Harlequin, both of which trying characters I person 
 ated the same evening. Public opinion was seriously 
 divided on this occasion. The more intellectual among 
 the community preferred rny Hainlet; the more mer 
 curial, my Harlequin. If, on so delicate a topic, it may 
 be permitted me to volunteer an opinion, I should say- 
 that my Hamlet was the triumph of mind, my Harle 
 quin of muscle. 
 
 In consequence of my flattering success, I was in 
 vited to play the leading parts at every theater and 
 barn in that civilized quarter of Ireland. This desul 
 tory mode of life introduced me to many odd charac 
 ters, and engaged me in many odd adventures, some of 
 a tragic, others of a comic character. One in particu 
 lar, of the latter class, took place under circumstances 
 of marked singularity. 
 
 The manager had announced for representation a 
 melo-drama, in which, among other attractions, was to 
 be introduced a view of the Lakes of Killarney, painted 
 expressly for the occasion. The announcement took 
 prodigiously, and on the appointed night the barn was 
 crowded to suffocation. So far. all was well; but, un 
 luckily, just at the moment when we were preparing to 
 draw up the curtain, we discovered that our scene- 
 painter, in revenge for some real or fancied affront of 
 fered him by the manager, had inoculated the entire 
 landscape with charcoal , and, not content with this 
 lively sample of indepeiidence, had actually eloped, and, 
 accompanied by the treasurer, had carried off with him 
 the night s proceeds 
 
 Here was a dilemma ! What, in Heaven s name, was 
 to be done ? This question we kept perpetually asking 
 each other ; but, alas ! not one of us could answer it. 
 
 Meantime the audience became clamorous for the 
 curtain to draw up Squalls, shouts of laughter, and 
 threats of vengeance pealed in all directions, and even 
 the orchestra notwithstanding it consisted of two 
 cracked fiddles failed to allay the storm.
 
 24 THEATRICALS. 
 
 In this predicament, our manager proposed an ap 
 peal to the audience. But here, again, a difficulty pre 
 sented itself. Who was to be the spokesman:* Each 
 declined the honor in favor of the other, until, at 
 length no better scheme presenting itself it was re 
 solved that we should all of us attempt our escape out 
 of a window at the rear of the stage. 
 
 The manager Avas the ir.st to make the experiment, 
 and being of a thin, spare habit, succeeded to his heart s 
 content. The rest followed in rotation, until it cama 
 to the manager s wife s turn, who was an immensely 
 fat woman, with a singular exuberance of bustle, and 
 consequently stuck fast in the window, with her neck 
 and shoulders out, but the rest of her person hanging 
 suspended over the stage. In this grotesque position, 
 she kicked, shoved, and strove to wriggle herself 
 through the aperture; but in vain her obesity put a 
 veto on all hopes of emancipation. I think I never saw 
 a tighter fit ! 
 
 At this critical juncture I was the only one left upon 
 the stage. There was evidently no chance of escape; 
 so, as a last resource for the audience had by this time 
 become furious I summoned the orchestra, bade them 
 strike up "St. Patrick s Day," and then, slowly drawing 
 aside the curtain, advanced in front of the stage, made 
 a profound obeisance, and, pointing to the fat dame 
 who hung wriggling from the window, exclaimed 
 aloud: "Ladies and gentlemen, behold a view of tho 
 Lakes of Killarncy!" 
 
 Whether the likeness struck them or not, I cannot 
 say; but never was any appeal more successful. The 
 audience literally shouted with laughter, nor was peace 
 restored till they had testified the excess of their satis 
 faction by a general fight, in the bustle of which I 
 effected my escape. How the manager s wife effected 
 hers, I know not possibly she is sticking in the win 
 dow to this hour. 
 
 For nearly two seasons, I continued acting. My por 
 trait, or something like a portrait, was exhibited at
 
 THEATRICALS. 25 
 
 every shop; my witticisms repented at every table; my 
 attitudes were the envy of the men, my countenance 
 the admiration of the women. 
 
 Among the number of those to whom my convivial 
 abilities especially recommended themselves was a rich, 
 retired old tradesman, by the name of O Brien. This 
 man had a niece, who, though perhaps not much of a 
 beauty, and still less of a chicken in point of age, inas 
 much as she was fully four years my senior, was the 
 acknowledged heiress of all her uncle s property. 
 
 It was chiefly through this lady s maneuvers that I 
 first got a footing in the old man s house; for she had 
 seen me in most of my favorite characters, and, being 
 smitten with the faculties of the actor, was prepared to 
 extend her predilection to the man. 
 
 When a woman is once determined on a point, there 
 is little doubt but that she will in the long run accom 
 plish it. Convinced that I was the only man who would, 
 could, should, or ought to make her happy, Catharine 
 soon contrived to give me a hint of the nature of her 
 feelings towards me. In vain did her uncle,who found 
 means to gain possession of her secret, protest, entreat, 
 threaten; in vain forbid me to visit his house; in vain 
 talk of disinheriting his niece; in vain point out to her 
 the madness of marrying a fellow whose sole stock in 
 trade was his assurance; the young lady s spirit was 
 up, and she vowed, with a saucy toss of the head, that 
 she would marry the man of her choice, and him alone. 
 
 I, of course, reciprocated these sentiments, but fre 
 quent and various were the hazards I encountered in 
 my efforts to impress them on the heart of Catharine. 
 Once, while waiting for her at midnight by the garden 
 gate, I was mistaken by her uncle for a robber, and 
 very nearly brought clown at a long shot; on another 
 occasion, I was saluted with the contents of a slop-pail 
 from a garret-window; and in a third instance, I was 
 kept cooling my heels a full hour beneath the moon 
 light, till my teeth chattered like a pair of castanets. 
 Making love by midnight, when the thermometer is
 
 2P> OUR WEDDING JOURNEY. 
 
 below zero, is harder work than most people seem to 
 have any idea of. 
 
 But perseverance does wonders ! I contrived to ob 
 tain first one secret interview then a second then a 
 third then a fourth, fifth and sixth until, at length, it 
 became but too clear that nothing was left but an elope 
 ment. 
 
 Mr. O Brien was panic-stricken when the intelligence 
 of this impending event first reached his ears. But 
 finding that every expedient failed, he made a virtue 
 of necessity and finally consented to our union. 
 
 Within a week from the day when the nuptial-knot 
 was tied, Mrs. O Blarnev and myself started off for the 
 wedding tour. Old O Brien, who, notwithstanding his 
 munificence to Catharine, was very contracted and 
 tradesman-like in his notions, was almost paralyzed at 
 the grandeur of our intentions, and would have kept us 
 under his own eye; but the lady was bent on seeing the 
 world, and would listen neither to advice nor remon 
 strance. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 OUR WEDDING JOURNEY. 
 
 Our first stay of any duration was in Paris. I had 
 long heard that this city was famous for the Fine Arts, 
 and, truly, I never met with such finished specimens of 
 cookery! 
 
 After a short stay, we quitted the French capital 
 for Frankfort, whence we made a hasty tour through 
 some of the minor principalities. The magnificence 
 of a few of these German quite astounded me. Think 
 of his Serene Highness the Prince of Saxe Schweig- 
 hausen, with upwards of sixty quarterings on his .-inns, 
 being absolute lord and master of a territory contain 
 ing nearly ten thousand inhabitants, yielding a c)ear 
 revenue of almost nine hundred pounds per annum, and
 
 OUH WEDDING JOUKNEY. 27 
 
 supporting an army of some twelve dozen private sol 
 diers, exclusive of six field-officers, and a band worthy 
 to vie with the orchestra of one of our minor theaters! 
 
 To this most puissant sovereign I had the honor of 
 being publicly presented at court. To be sure, the ex 
 hibition cost me half-a-crown in fees. But what of 
 that ? Royalty is not an every-day show. Besides, his 
 Highness was, without exception, the fattest man 1 had 
 ever seen, and in England, it would have cost me a shil 
 ling to see a prize ox. 
 
 We found the metropolis of this mighty monarch s king 
 dom in a grievous state of excitement. An Italian singer 
 at that time quite the rage on the Continent had en 
 gaged to give a series of vocal performances at 
 Schweighausen, but, just at the very moment when the 
 royal family and noblesse w r ere all anxious expectation, 
 the fair cantatrice split upon terms, and declared off. 
 Here was a shock to the grand monarqud Never had 
 such an affront been put upon himself or his princi 
 pality 1 It became quite a national affair. A cabinet 
 council was instantly summoned, which, after some 
 hours deliberation, despatched a courier, with sealed 
 despatches, to the contumelious vocalist; while, from 
 the hurryings to and fro of the dames of honor, and the 
 grave, mysterious looks of the courtiers, you would 
 have sworn a revolution was impending. How the af 
 fair ended I know not, as I did not stay to see; but I 
 heard, subsequently, that the cabinet, deeming it be 
 neath the national dignity to reinforce the army and 
 proclaim war against a woman, wisely came to her 
 terms, which were so exorbitant that they crippled the 
 exchequer for months afterward. 
 
 With our visits to Paris, Frankfort, Switzerland 
 and the other et cateras incidental to such an ex 
 pensive mode of life, I found, after a fortnight s resi 
 dence on the Strada Chiaja, that my wife s fortune was 
 daily oozing out of my possession; so, in order to sup 
 ply the deficiency, I was compelled to have recourse to 
 

 
 28 OUR AVEDDLN G JOURN EY. 
 
 For a long time, I concealed this propensity from 
 Mrs. O Blarney. But what can escape the lynx eye of 
 curiosity ? It so happened that she was one day smit 
 ten with a sudden fancy to make a purchase of some 
 tempting goods; when, on applying to me, she found 
 that I was wholly unable to accommodate her with cash. 
 
 In the course of the evening a mutual explanation 
 took place, when I candidly told Catharine that, unless 
 she assigned over to me the annuity which the suspi 
 cions of her uncle had settled on her, I should infallibly 
 become a ruined man. To my astonishment she re 
 fused, adding that in future nothing should prevent 
 her doing that justice to herself which I had so scandal 
 ously neglected. The remark was cutting, and, under 
 the circumstances, ungenerous; though its severity was 
 somewhat blunted by the promise which my wife 
 shortly after made me, of writing to Mr. O Brien a 
 statement of our embarrassments, with a request that 
 he would render us prompt pecuniary assistance. To 
 this note I attached a postscript, inclosing a Neapolitan 
 physician s receipt for the gout. 
 
 By the earliest post for the old man prided himself 
 on his punctuality an answer was returned to our ap 
 plication. But, alas ! its import was anything but flat 
 tering. The writer began by observing that he could not 
 think of advancing money to people so little acquainted 
 with its value; that he had always anticipated this 
 would be the result of Catharine s ill-advised marriage, 
 which, she might do him the justice to remember, he had 
 resolutely opposed from the first; that he thought, un 
 der the circumstances, the best thing we could both -do 
 would ba to retrench our household expenditure, and, 
 in the bosom of a strict and cheap seclusion, strive to 
 regain that composure of which, it was but too evi 
 dent, we both stood in need. The letter concluded by 
 thanking me for my receipt for the gout, which, how 
 ever, the churlish old fox asserted, whether intended 
 to do so or not, had made him infinitely worse than he 
 was before he had recourse to it.
 
 OUR WEDDING JOURNEY. 29 
 
 Tula reply decided my fate. Poverty having come in 
 at the door, timid Love, as a matter of course, "got 
 orer the back fence." Henceforth, I mot with nothing 
 but reproaches from my wife. For some weeks, how 
 ever, I bore her altered conduct with submissivencss. 
 When I espied a frown on her brow, I strove with 
 words of endearment to avert the thunder-cloud; I re 
 minded her of the days of our courtship, when she was 
 my Juliet and I was her Romeo; but, alas ! at the very 
 moment when her heart was softening, the slightest 
 allusion to the annuity would bring back all her unpo- 
 etic notions of self-interest 
 
 Day by day, hour by hour, Mrs. O Blarney s ill-humor 
 increased. If, one moment, she was comparatively se 
 rene, the next, she blew a hurricane. Having 1 been a 
 spoiled child from her very .cradle, she had little or no 
 command of IVT temper. To soften her was difficult 
 to subdue, impossible. As well might I have attempted 
 to check Niagara with a bulrush. 
 
 Such was my domestic position when one disastrous 
 evening after I had earnestly supplicated my wife to 
 accommodate me, if only by way of loan, with the 
 usual half-yearly allowance which she had just received 
 from her uncle, in order that I might disembarrass my 
 self of certain pecuniary obligations, and be enabled to 
 turn over a ne\v leaf, the impetuous lady not only re 
 fused my petition; but pointed her refusal by some 
 scornful allusions to what she called my general profli 
 gacy. 
 
 Stung to the quick by her manner, I threatened to 
 take leave of her forever, on which she replied 
 
 "Oh, do pray go ! I desire nothing better; the very 
 sight of you is odious to me. Would to Heaven I had 
 never met with such a monster!" 
 
 "Monster, forsooth! you must have been looking in 
 your glass lately, my dear, which has made the monstrous 
 familiar to you." 
 
 The cool way in which I said this had quite an elec 
 trical effect on my wife, who forthwith proceeded to
 
 30 A WARM RECEPTION. 
 
 pour on me such a torrent of abuse that at last my 
 patience wholly gave way, and springing down stairs, 
 I was out of sight in an instant. 
 
 On reaching the street, I kept wandering up and down, 
 cursing my evil -destiny, and endeavoring to shape 
 out some plans for the future, till, finding that I could 
 settle down to nothing, I dismissed all further reflec 
 tion, and bent my steps toward one of the public 
 cafe s, 
 
 With a brain heated by excitement, I strolled into 
 the San Carlos, where, after looking about me for 
 some time, and being challenged to try my luck at a 
 game of hazard, I threw down a piece of gold was 
 successful threw down a second, a third then trebled 
 and quadrupled my stakes, till at length, after an 
 hour s play, without the slightest effort of skill,! came 
 away the winner of upwards of a hundred pounds. 
 
 Such a run of good luck completely upset what 
 little judgment I ever possessed. I felt my heart warm 
 again to my wife; and, immediately on quitting the 
 gaming-table, Hew homeward, fully resolved, in the 
 wild glee of the moment, to make her the amende 
 honorable , though I must confess, at the same tune, 
 that I was in that feverish, unsettled state of mind 
 when a sneer, or even a frown, is sufficient to turn the 
 sr-ale, and upset all one s best resolutions. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 A WARM RECEPTION. 
 
 "So you have come back!" said my wife, miscon 
 struing the motives of my return; "and in a pretty 
 condition you have returned!" for my flushed counte 
 nance was too marked to escape her notice. 
 
 "Catharine, be quiet, or else 
 
 "Don t think to frighten me, sir; I care nothing for
 
 A WARM RECEPTION. 31 
 
 the threats of a man I despise. You have insulted 
 me too grossly to be forgiven, and now, by way of 
 atonement, you come back in a state of intoxication. 
 Shame on you ! I wonder you can dare to look me in 
 the face!" 
 
 "Catharine," said I, with an effort at calmness, "listen 
 to me, and for the last time. I have come back, believe 
 me or not, as you please, solely for the purpose of 
 making reparation for 
 
 "Reparation! Is it by your drunkenness you hope to 
 make reparation ?" 
 
 "Perhaps so, perhaps not. However, be this as it 
 may, my return is now prompted by the best of 
 motives." 
 
 "Oh, yes," replied my wife, with a sneer, "I know 
 the motives well. I can see through them, sir." 
 
 "Hear me out!" said I, in a voice of thunder. 
 
 "I won t." 
 
 "Spiteful, unforgiving old " 
 
 The word "old" touched my wife in the sorest point. 
 "Spiteful" she might have passed over; "unforgiving" 
 she might have smiled at; but "old" there was too 
 much truth in the phrase to be readily digested; so, 
 despairing, in the frenzy of the moment, of finding 
 words adequate to her feelings, she actually flew for 
 assistance to the foot-stool discharged it, without 
 ceremony, at my head and then, as 1 rushed a second 
 time from the house, flew after me, crying at the very 
 top of her voice, "Aye, go ! Do go ! I dare you to go ! 
 Brute! Monster! Barbarian! Old, indeed!" 
 
 This last insult was not to be borne; and when I re 
 fleeted on the motives that had drawn me home again- 
 that I had sought my wife in a frank, conciliator] 
 spirit, and instead of being met by answering courtesy 
 had been treated worse than a clog I became [ar 
 unusual thing with me] quite beside myself wit! 
 passion, and before I was well aware of my proximity 
 found myself standing close beside the quay. 
 
 Kight was now drawing on, and it so happened thul
 
 32 A \VARM RECEPTION. 
 
 si vessel, taking advantage of a favoring wind, was 
 just about to set sail for Marseilles. The opportunity 
 was irresistible. Judgment, discretion, principle all, 
 all obeyed the headlong impulse of the moment; and 
 with my wife s taunts still ringing in my ears, the foot 
 stool still whistling about my head, and a busy devil 
 at my elbow goading me on to ruin, I sought out the 
 captain of the vessel caught him just as he was 
 stepping into a boat, and concluded with him. for a 
 conveyance to Marseilles. 
 
 An instant after, and I was on board. The signal 
 was made for sailing; the vessel shot merrily through 
 the waters, and I was far advanced on my voyage 
 arcoss the bay, ere I called to mind my deserted wife! 
 Infatuated man! But remorse was then of no avail. It 
 was too late to return. Besides, had it even been 
 possible, I felt convinced I could never have mustered 
 assurance enough again to face the woman, whom, I 
 could not but feel, iThad wronged. My very modesty 
 rose in arms against me. 
 
 After a brief voyage the vessel reached Marseilles, 
 where I waited just one day to make some necessary 
 purchases and then set off for England. 
 
 The first few mornings after my arrival in London 
 were spent in a survey of the various public buildings 
 in and about the metropolis I remember in particular 
 being much struck with Newgate while my evenings 
 were devoted to the theaters. 
 
 "With respect to a profession, my first serious views 
 w r ere, of course, directed to the stage, and accordingly, 
 when I had devoted quite sufficient time to the gentle 
 man-like occupation of doing nothing, I presented my 
 self early one morning at the theater; inquired of a 
 servant in attendance whether the great lessee were 
 within; and if so, whether he could honor me with an 
 audience. 
 
 The man glanced at the modest, humble expression 
 of iny countenance; I understood the hint, and kiiew 
 the manager \vas out.
 
 A WARM RECEPTION. &j 
 
 The next day I called and met with the like success 
 the great man was busy, and could not be disturbed. 
 The third day he was at rehearsal; the fourth, he was 
 reading a new piece in the green-room; the fifth, he 
 was negotiating an amicable arrangement with the 
 hind-legs of a;i elephant, both of which had struck for 
 an advance of wages; but on the sixth, as he had only 
 two small melo-dramatists with him, he condescended 
 to favor me with an audience. 
 
 On entering his august presence, I opened the pro 
 ceedings by a few brief allusions to my astonishing 
 success in Ireland; but saw at once, from the expression 
 of his face, and the shrug of his broad, fat shoulders, 
 that I had not the slightest chance. Indeed, he hinted 
 as much before I had well finished my exordium, and 
 then, starting off from the subject, began to bewail his 
 hard fate in being compelled to sacrifice health, time, 
 and inclination on the altar of public interest; spoke 
 of the important calls on his attention that daily beset 
 him, from individuals of the highest rank and influence 
 in the kingdom, and that, consequently, I might deem 
 myself fortunate in the opportunity of seeing him but 
 for ten minutes; rang the bell, and brought round him 
 i whole host of theatrical subalterns, to each of whom 
 he issued his mandates, with all the air of a despot; 
 and then cast a sidelong glance at me, to see whether 
 I were duly impressed with a sense of his temporal 
 grandeur. 
 
 i neither fainted nor went off in hysterics, but, 
 perfectly unruffled, as though I were talking to a 
 nere unit like myself, said, "I presume, then, sir, you 
 dscline my services?" 
 
 "Unquestionably, my good fellow;" then, as if he 
 had committed himself by too much familiarity, he 
 added, with a formal bend of the head, "You may retire, 
 young man; we have business of importance to transact 
 with our worthy friends here, just now." And so ended 
 my first and last interview with the manager of a 
 theater!
 
 34 A WARM RECEPTION. 
 
 My next speculation was in periodical literature. 
 But here, too, I was as unsuccessful as with the stage. 
 All the editors of all the current magazines scorned to 
 have conspired to drive me frantic with disappointment. 
 Grave as well as gay, prose as well as verse, every tale, 
 essay, criticism, and epigram I contributed, met with 
 precisely the same treatment. This, however, was to 
 have boon expected, for what author who dates from a 
 first-floor front with a French dancing-master con 
 stantly practicing on a violin over his head, and a great 
 healthy vagabond crying "Rats!" every hour of the day 
 under his window, can hope to write anything worth 
 reading? 
 
 Luckily, about this time, I was in the frequent habit 
 
 of meeting with the late Colonel . This well 
 
 known old man, whose brain was a perfect granary of 
 fashionable anecdote, and who had been closely con 
 nected with royalty in its most convivial and confiden 
 tial moments, was never so happy, or so much in his 
 element, as when he could procure a respectful listener, 
 and as I suited him admirably in this respect never 
 yawning, never looking incredulous, and, above all, 
 never laughing in the wrong place he took a pro 
 digious fancy to me, and entertained me with lots of 
 sly, quaint, piquant anecdotes, in which I could not 
 but fancy I perceived the germs of more than one 
 fashionable novel. 
 
 Following up this bright idea, I took care to glean 
 all the various stores of gossip the old man possessed; 
 after which I proceeded to clothe them from the ward 
 robe of my own invention ; super-added a plot full of 
 delicate entanglements; an impassioned love-intrigile 
 or two; an intensely" interesting heroine, who, wore 
 her zone loosened; and a brisk Bond-street Adonis, 
 more accomplished than a Crichton, hut more pro 
 fligate than a Rochester, This done, behfdd a fashion 
 able novel ! 
 
 So far, so good. My next endeavor was to secure the 
 (assistance of some stirring, influential pubiiflher. In
 
 THE RESULT OF CRITICISMS. 35 
 
 this I succeeded beyond my hopes (chiefly in consequence 
 of my Carlton House anecdotage); and, in the course 
 of a few weeks, had the satisfaction of seeing m> "Bon 
 Ton" duly advertised among the forthcoming liovelties 
 of the season, as "A tale of real life, by an author of the 
 highest distinction." 
 
 No sooner had the work appeared than public atten 
 tion was still further attracted towards it, by a series 
 of mysterious paragraphs in the papers, indirectly 
 ascribing it to the eloquent and sprightly pen of his 
 
 Royal Highness the Duke of ; and, that nothing 
 
 might be wanting to confirm its celebrity, a fresh 
 string of advertisements was issued, with the following 
 extracts from the literary journals of the day attached 
 to them by way of rider: 
 
 "Bon Ton" is a tale of first-rate ability; the author is the Scott of fashionable 
 life. London Museum. 
 
 A most talented tale, full of point, wit, and sarcasm. The writer forcibly 
 reminds us of Sheridan. Weekly Lit. Miscellany. 
 
 We have been favored with an early copy of this work (which is yet unpublish 
 ed), and may conscientiously say of the author that he is quite a prose Uyron. 
 Town and Country Magazine. 
 
 Transcendent! astoniehingl superlative! Star. 
 
 It is truly refreshing, in this age of cant and humbug, to meet u-ifh a novel 
 like Bon Ton, ptnned in the good old spirit of Smollett and Fielding. 
 Weekly Repository. 
 
 The puns of this exceedingly facetious noveust are worthy of Mr. Rogers, 
 the eminent banker. John Bull. 
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 THE RESULT OP CRITICISMS. 
 
 From these discriminating criticisms, it will naturally 
 he concluded that "Bon Ton" created quite a sensation 
 in the world of fashion and literature. But no, nothing 
 of the sort. Notwithstanding 1 I attired my hero in 
 lavender-colored slippers; made him sarcastic on port 
 wine; intolerant of those abandoned miscreants who 
 eat fish with a knife and fork ; learned on all gastro 
 nomic matters; notwithstanding all this, "Bon Ton"
 
 36 THE RESULT OF CRiriCISjVTS. 
 
 fell as stillborn from the press as if no royal duke had 
 been conjectured to be its author! 
 
 Having thus faile 1 in fact, I thought, 1 would next 
 have recourse to fiction. Nothing venture, nothing 
 gain; so I set about a History of Italy, with which my 
 residence at iS aples had of course made me familiarly 
 acquainted. Strange to tell, my book, even though 
 fiilel with elaborate descriptions of Rome a city 
 which nothing but an accident prevented me from visit- 
 ing-? met with as discouraging a reception as "Bon 
 Ton" nay, I may even add, a worse, for on bargaining 
 for a portmanteau a few months afterward, I found it 
 lined with one of my most impassioned apostrophes to 
 the glory of ancient Rome ! 
 
 This was vexatious, but it was not my only grievance. 
 Misfortunes never drizzle upon a man s head. They 
 always pour down on him in torrents. The land 
 lady 
 
 Oh, sound of fear! 
 tTnpleasing to an author s ear 
 
 at whose house I boarded, having long suspected my 
 condition, now began to look after me with that rest 
 less curiosity which a discreet father exhibits towards 
 an only son who has evinced a predilection for the sea. 
 At first, the good dame s inquisitiveness was confined 
 within the pale of politeness; but at length, as my 
 arrears with her increased, she exchanged the oblique 
 glance for the direct frown, and daily vented her 
 spleen in coarse allusions to my appetite. 
 
 My situation was now become really critical. My 
 money was nearly all expended, and my entire ward 
 robe was on my back. This last was the "unkindest 
 cut of nil," for any one acquainted with life knows 
 that a good coat is half the secret of success. Boy 
 dress well from vanity; men, from policy. 
 
 Such was my condition when, one day while seated 
 at a coffee-shop, I chanced to read in the Times journal 
 gome proposals for the establishment of a new literary 
 institution in the metropolis. Without a moment s
 
 SESTTLT OF CRITICISM* <*? 
 
 delay, I despatched a long, elaborate letter to Broug 
 ham, who was mentioned as being one of the warmest 
 patrons of the institution, in which, after enumerating 
 my intellectual qualifications, I proposed myself as a 
 lecturer on whatever branch of knowledge he might 
 feel inclined to suggest. I added that, I did not 
 object to teach mathematics, metaphysics, chemistry, 
 moral philosophy, jurisprudence, the fine arts, elocu 
 tion, music, or even dancing. 
 
 Within the week I received an answer to this appli 
 cation, in which, after complimenting me in the most 
 flattering terms on my modesty, the illustrious states 
 man declined my services, on the very natural plea 
 that they would excite universal envy. 
 
 Well, this avenue to fortune closed, a variety of 
 others suggested themselves. First, I thought of a 
 merchant s counting-house; but this idea was no sooner 
 suggested than it was laid aside, for where and how 
 was I to procure the requisite certificate of character, 
 ability, and so forth ? 
 
 Next, I bethought me of the law. This, while it 
 lasted, was an agreeable illusion enough, fraught with 
 imposing images of the bench, the woolsack,"and the 
 king s conscience. But when I came to look at the 
 question in a worldly, common-sense spirit,more espec 
 ially when I reflected that without impudence a law 
 yer is as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal, I f It 
 with a sigh that the defects of nature were insuperable. 
 
 At last, a grand idea struck me, I resolved to try 
 the press. I had often heard and read of those sprightly 
 adventurers who contrive to earn a subsistence by pick 
 ing up, or, in case of need, inventing accidents, etc., for 
 the newspapers; so I presented myself at a dull period 
 at the Planet newspaper office, with an affecting report 
 of a young lady who had swallowed a teacupful of ar 
 senic and water, under the influence of derangement 
 brought on by the "diabolical" conduct of a young 
 ohiardsman. 
 
 Tbis paragraph being well timed, was much approved ,
 
 38 THE RESULT OF CRITICISMS. 
 
 became the subject of an indignant leading article 
 in many of the ensuing Sunday journals, "on the de 
 moralized condition of the higher classes," and went 
 the round of the provincial press under the title of 
 "Shocking Suicide." 
 
 My next Jterary perpetration was a police report, 
 wherein I detailed the particulars of a pugilistic en 
 counter between two men in a style of the most ram 
 pant vivacity. About this time, too, I contributed 
 about a foot and a half of good jokes weekly to the 
 Looker-on, for which the editor, who was himself a wag 
 of the first water, and liked, as he said, to encourage 
 genius, remunerated me at a very handsome rate. But 
 my chief reliance was on the Planet newspaper, on 
 which, by adroit flattery of the proprietor an odd 
 little fellow, with a style of writing " peculiarly his 
 own " I contrived to gain so strong a hold, that after 
 a month s probation, I was declared to be master of my 
 business, and placed on the establishment as a sort of 
 flying reporter of all work. 
 
 In this capacity, I exhibited powers of invention that 
 would have done honor to a Scotch novelist. Scarcely 
 a day passed but a Mrs. Tomkius and her only daugh 
 ter fell from a one-horse chaise in Tavistock or Bruns 
 wick squares; or a Mr. Sibthorpe, a stout rentleman 
 ot sixty, with a wig and six children, brokers leg by 
 stumbling over a bit of orange-peel which some urchin 
 had inconsiderately flung upon the pavement. My 
 phenomena were equally creditable to my tancy. The 
 Planet abounded in accounts of extraordinary goose 
 berries, which measured four inches around the waist; 
 of Irish potatoes, on which could be clearly traced the 
 words "Daniel O Connell;" of three children born im 
 promptu at a birth; of goats without beards; cows with 
 live legs; and donkeys with horns like my Lord 
 
 Not unfrequently, when "extra hands" were wanted 
 I made my appearance in the gallery in the House of 
 Commons infinitely to the annoyance of the practice^ 
 and well-educated gentlemen who attended there noV
 
 THE RESULT OF CRITICISMS. 39 
 
 one of whom, however, came near me, whether in elo- 
 quence of style, originality of metaphor, or vivacity of 
 logic. They stuck to fact, I expatiated in the airy 
 regions of fiction. 
 
 But ingratitude is the vice of public men in England, 
 I had actually not distinguished myself above a dozen 
 times in the gallery, when I was summoned to the bar, 
 ibr a breach of privilege contained in a report of one of 
 Sir William Wiseacre s orations; reprimanded by the 
 Speaker in a style that brought the blood of a hundred 
 ancestors into my cheeks; and then formally dismissed 
 from the Planet establishment. In justification of his 
 complaint, Sir William urged ^hat he was not in the 
 House at the time I attributed to him the speech in 
 question, and that nothing but the unparalleled impu 
 dence of the forgery should have But I need say no 
 more. Men of bashful temperament will at once ap 
 preciate the motive for my silence. 
 
 I should have mentioned, that while engaged on the 
 Planet, I had, in order to fill up my leisure time, been 
 in the habit of occasionally advertising as a private 
 teacher of the classics, arithmetic, etc., to which adver 
 tisements I had hitherto received no satisfactory re 
 plies. It chanced, however, that a few days previous 
 to my dismissal from the gallery, a letter dated Wai- 
 worth was brought to me, wherein the writer 
 stated that having seen A. B. s advertisement, and be 
 ing in want of a tutor for his son, he would feel obliged 
 if said A. B. would "step up," when, if terms and so 
 forth were approved, the parties might " do business " 
 together. 
 
 The quaint, dry wording of this missive gave me no 
 great hopes of success. However, it did not become me 
 to be fastidious; so, flinging distrust to the winds, I 
 made the best of my way ^to the place pointed out in 
 the address.
 
 I 00 TO 6BB SFIHKB. 
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 I GO TO 8EE 8PINKS. 
 
 The writer, Mr. Stephen Spinks, a cheesemonger, 
 was at home when I called, busily engaged with somo 
 customers behind the counter. On learning the pur 
 port of my visit, he made no more ado, but came at 
 once tc the point with me; while, at the same time, in 
 order that business might not be neglected, he de 
 spatched matters with his customers. "So, Mr. What- 
 dye-call-um," he began, "you re the A. B., I s pose, as 
 is to teach my Dick classics. Clever boy, Dick, sharp 
 as a needle; has got Omer at his fingers ends; do your 
 heart good to hear him;" then turning to his shop-lad, 
 "I say, Jack, why don t you serve that ere gentleman ? 
 he s been waiting these five minutes So, as I was 
 saying, sir, Dick s as sharp as A pound of Stilton, 
 ma am ? We never sells it by the pound; very sorry, 
 ma am; very sorry indeed, but twouldn t pay And so 
 Mr. What>d ye-call-um, you see my boy Dick Jack, I 
 say, Jack, don t forget to send them two Cheshires up 
 to Mrs. Jenkins, and, d ye hear, mind and take the bill 
 along with em; she s one as requires looking arter. 
 Excuse my bluntness, Mr. What-d ye-call-um, I m plain. 
 Heyday, Mrs. Jackson, what, you here too ! Well, 
 and how goes the world with you ? and how s your 
 good man, and how s the little uns ? I m sorry to say 
 my Polly s ill abed of the measles. Beg your pardon, 
 
 Mr. ~, for keeping you waiting; but business must 
 
 be minded, you know. 
 
 1 entreated him not to apologize, as my time was his, 
 and then proceeded to seat myself leisurely in a remote 
 corner of the shop, while the sly fox kept watching 
 every movement of my hands, with the same keenness 
 and pertinacity with which a tom-cat w&t^bes a mouse-
 
 1 GO TO SEE SPINKS. 41 
 
 la a few minutes, having got rid of all his customers^ 
 ae whipped off his apron, and led the way into a 
 back room, whither I followed. There was no need of 
 ceremony; we plunged, therefore, without a moment s 
 delay, into the thick of the business. I proposed my 
 terms; he proposed his; but there being, even on this 
 preliminary point, a material pecuniary difference be 
 tween us. Mr. Spinks, moreover, with the wary 
 shrewdness of the tradesman, persisting in putting a 
 variety of questions to me touching the vouchers I was 
 prepaied to furnish him with, as to talent, respecta 
 bility, and so forth, I at once broke off the negotiation, 
 and stalked from his presence in the same sullen dig 
 nity in which Ajax turned from Ulysses in the shades. 
 
 I retraced my steps towards my lodgings, still in a 
 state of mind far from enviable. Absorbed in the re 
 flection that I was the helpless victim of bashfulness, I 
 seated myself moodily on one of the buttresses of the 
 bridge, casting ever and anon a glance on the \vater, 
 much to the horror of an old lady who was taking the 
 air on the opposite side, and no doubt mistook me fcr 
 an interesting martyr to unrequited love, when sud 
 denly I heard my name pronounced, and, looking up, 
 saw a brother colleague on the Planet establishment, 
 a smart, active fellow > who had always shown a dispo 
 sition to cultivate my acquaintance. 
 
 On the present occasion he was all sympathy ; and 
 as we strolled up and down the bridge together, he 
 said, " You are unlucky, O Blarney, but what think 
 you of editing a Sunday newspaper ?" 
 
 "lam willing to try my hand at it, provided the 
 principles of the journal are such a I can conscien 
 tiously advocate." 
 
 " On, it you come to talk of conscience, I have done 
 with you ! Your case is hopelessP 
 
 - Donovan," said I, with solemnity, "would you de 
 prive me of the only luxury I have left ? y 
 
 " Yes, for the very reason that it is a luxury. Whefi 
 a gentleman is in difficulties, what we the first
 
 42 I GO TO SEE SPINKS. 
 
 he retrenches ? Why, his luxuries, to be sure. Con 
 science, forsooth ! A pretty wall you are building to 
 knock your head against. How can you ever expect 
 to get on with such a stumbling-block in your way ? 
 Pray, get rid of it as soon as possible, or assign it over 
 to your tailor or attorney; they stand more in need of 
 it than you do." 
 
 ff I am convinced; let me hear your proposals." 
 
 " You must know, then, that, in conjunction with a 
 pushing young book-seller, I have just purchased the 
 copyright ot the Squib journal; but, as neither of us 
 have sufficient leisure to do it justice, we are on the 
 look-out for some one who will devote his chief time 
 and attention to it. Under these circumstances I offer 
 youthe editorship; but, as there is not a moment to be 
 lost you must decide at once." 
 
 " I agree to your proposals." 
 
 " And you will throw overboard all romantic notions 
 of you understand me f" 
 
 "Nature will attimes prevail; but I will do my best 
 to weed out the delicate infirmity." 
 
 The bargain was accordingly struck, and within a 
 fortnight from the period of my dismissal from the 
 Planet establishment I was installed editor of a certain 
 flashy, sport ing Sunday journal. 
 
 This situation necessarily brought me into contact 
 with many of the more puffing and mushroom class of 
 hook-sellers, by whose means 1 was introduced to clivers 
 small literary characters, artists, actors, etc., until 
 at length, notwithstanding my diffidence, I began to 
 feel that I was something more than a mere cipher in 
 the republic of letters. 
 
 The course of true love never did run smooth;" and 
 the same remark applies with equal force to the course 
 of a public journalist. One day, when I was seated at 
 my desk reading a report of a grand Tory dinner given 
 to Mr. Canning^at Liverpool, the office-boy knocked at 
 my door, with information that two gentlemen were 
 below who were desirous of speaking with the sditor
 
 I GO TO SEE SPINKS. 43 
 
 on business of importance, which admitted of no delr.y. 
 
 Before I had time to consider what answer should be 
 given to this pressing 1 application, the strangers entered 
 sans ceremonie, and, walking straight up to my desk, 
 the taller of the two, a perfect elephant of a man, drew 
 the preceding Sunday s publication from his pocket, 
 and, pointing with a smile to a particular paragraph, 
 asked if I was the author of that brilliant squib. 
 
 I am rarely thrown off my guard; but on this occa 
 sion my vanity got the better of my discretion, and, 
 contrary to all etiquette, I at once avowed the author 
 ship, expressing, at the same time, my gratification that 
 it had afforded them amusement. 
 
 "So much amusement," said the taller of the two, 
 "that my friend here and myself have come in person 
 to offer our express acknowledgments." 
 
 "Yes, sir," added his companion, "the paragraph in 
 question is one that cannot be too promptly acknowl 
 edged. It is a base, unwarrantable calumny on a lady 
 with whom we have the honor to be acquainted." 
 
 "Calumny!" said I; "believe me, gentlemen, you are 
 wholly in error. The paragraph contains nothing of 
 the sort; it is a mere harmless jeu cC esprit, penned 
 hastily in a moment of overpowering sprightliness." 
 
 "And do you presume to call this sprightliness?" 
 interrupted the giant, slowly reading over the article, 
 and laying a malignant emphasis on each word; "I tell 
 you, sir, it is an infamous falsehood, such as no gentle 
 man would have dared to circulate. However, I did 
 not come here to talk, but to act;" and so saying, he 
 drew forth a horsewhip from beneath his cloak, and 
 half-strangling me with one hand, so as to render me 
 utterly incapable of defence, laid it across my shoulders 
 with the other. 
 
 There is a natural dislike in man to have his nose 
 pulled, and the same disinclination extends, I have 
 generally observed, to a horsewhipping. It will not 
 appear surprising, therefore, that, partaking of the 
 common prejudice of humanity, I indignantly resisted
 
 44 I GO TO SEE SPINKS. 
 
 this encroachment on tho liberty of the subject. "Sir," 
 said I, "this ruffian personality is not to be endured, 
 and if there be law or " 
 
 "Personality, my good sir!" said the fellow who had 
 planted himself before the door, "we have no wish to 
 be personal; our quarrel is with the public editor, not 
 the private individual. I trust we have too nice a sense 
 of propriety not to discriminate between the two char 
 acters." 
 
 This was adding- insult to injury, and being followed 
 up by a brisk application of the other ruffian s boot to 
 my rearward Adam as he let go his hold, after having 
 nearly throttled me, wound me up to such a pitch of 
 desperation, that, making- a sudden rush to the door, I 
 knocked down the sophistical scoundrel who guarded it, 
 and was off like lightning to Donovan s lodgings. 
 
 There is nothing like passion to give wings to a man s 
 speed; it would make a mercury of a Dutchman. 
 Hardly had I lost sight of the office, when, behold! I 
 was at Donovan s door. My appearance struck him 
 with astonishment. My 15 ps quivered, my legs trem 
 bled, my clothes exhibited samples of every crossing 
 from Fleet street to the Strand. 
 
 "So," said I, "a pretty condition you have reduced me 
 to, Mr. Donovan! But you shall give me satisfaction, 
 sir, instant satisfaction no ruffian shall horsewhip me 
 with impunity." 
 
 "Horsewhip? Nonsense you must be joking, surely." 
 
 "Sir it is no joke to me, whatever it may be to you. 
 I tell you I have been insulted, bullied, and horsewhip 
 ped into the bargain, and all in consequence of that 
 
 confounded paragraph about Lady A , and her re* 
 
 sorted liaison with "
 
 DOJTOVAN f* CONSOLATION. 45 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 
 
 "Sir Bore Brocas. I remember it perfectly; and so> 
 for this harmless squib, you have actually, you say, 
 been horsewhipped? Upon my word, O Blarney, this 
 is a monstrous lucky affair. It will give quite a lift to 
 the paper. And then the damages! 
 
 "Indeed!" said I, with a most bitter smile; "but you 
 forget my shoulders, Mr. Donovan." 
 
 "Don t mention it; tis a mere trifle, not worth think 
 ing- about." 
 
 "Trifle, sir!" 
 
 "To besurs; what is a horsewhipping compared with 
 the eclat it will give our paper? Tis a mere nothing 
 when one s used to it. But," continued Donov;in, see 
 ing, that so far from being- convinced, I began to man 
 ifest increased passion. " Be resigned, O Blarney, after 
 all, a horsewhipping is nothing more than & dispute 
 taking a practical turn. Besides, assaults usually carry 
 damages; ten to one it conjures a cool five hundred out 
 of Sir Bore s pocket into yours. I look on this affair 
 as quite a god-send, and I beg leave to offer you my sin- 
 cerest congratulations. Of course, you ll prosecute. 
 Consider, your honor, is at stake." 
 
 "My honor, Mr. Donovan? Why, sir, my very seat of 
 of honor is at stake! Would you believe it, the ruffian 
 
 "You need not go on, I can guess what is to come; 
 there are no half-measures in affairs of this sort; so the 
 ruffian having done his business in a workman-like 
 style, it is now your turn to do yours. Let me see. In 
 the first place, you must enter an action of assault and 
 battery against Sir Bore Brocas; secondly "
 
 4(5 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 
 
 At this stage of the conversation, a lad entered the 
 room with a most suspicious, lawyer-like note, which 
 he said had been left for the proprietor and editor of 
 the /Sf/m b journal. 
 
 Donovan opened the note, but before he had perused 
 three lines his countenance visibly lengthened. 
 
 I watched the change, and, delighted with an oppor 
 tunity of repaying banter with banter for I had been 
 more annoyed by his irony than I chose to confess 
 said, " Heyday ! what s the matter now? Is there a 
 second horsewhipping in the wind V" 
 
 " Don t talk so like a fool," replied Donovan sulkily; 
 "this is no time for joking." 
 
 " So I thought when you were favoring me just now 
 with your facetious essay." 
 
 " O Blarney, you re enough to drive one mad ! Here 
 is a notice of action for a libel contained in our paper 
 of Sunday fortnight. However, it s your business, not 
 mine. It is monstrous that the innocent should suffer 
 for the guilty." 
 
 " Capital ! So you are to monopolize all the profits 
 of the paper, and I the horsewhippiugs and libels !" 
 
 "Why, are not you the editor ?" 
 
 " And you the proprietor r" 
 
 "Granted; but when I engaged you, it was far from 
 my intention to stand godfather to your libels. Ko, 
 no, sir, you must come forward and acknowledge your 
 own paternity. I will have no order of affiliation made 
 on me. How, in the name of common-sense, could yon 
 be fool enough to meddle with the private character 
 of a cabinet minister ?" 
 
 "And how could you be fool enough to allow the 
 paragraph to be inserted ?" 
 
 "Well, well, this recrimination is childish; what s 
 done cant be undone; therefore our mutual safety is 
 what we must now look to. I despise that sort of chiv 
 alrous spirit which would induce one man to go to jail 
 for another; at the same time, mark me, I would not 
 wish to do anything unjust or "
 
 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 4? 
 
 * Ahem ! I clearly understand you> sir." 
 
 After some further conversation of this nature, which 
 terminated, as might have been anticipated, in a quarrel 
 for I could not but see that Donovan meditated 
 throwing- all the onus of the libel on my already suf 
 ficiently" afflicted shoulders I left him with the fixed 
 but secret determination of resigning my editorial func 
 tions, and never again venturing my person near the office. 
 
 This resolution was no sooner formed than executed. 
 I instantly removed from my old lodgings, kept my new 
 place of abode a more than Eleusinian mystery, and 
 never once, for a whole fortnight, ventured out, except 
 like a bat or a burglar, by night. 
 
 Meantime, the myrmidons of the law were not inac 
 tive, and within a very brief period from my resigna 
 tion of the editorship the morning papers made me ac 
 quainted with the fact that Patrick Donovan, having 
 been found guilty of a libel on a distinguished member 
 of his Majesty s Government, was to be brought up the 
 ensuing term for judgment. 
 
 About the same time, through the influence of a re 
 spectable news-aofent, who alone was in my confidence, 
 the editorship of a country journal, entitled the Hum 
 bug Flying Reporter, was offered me, for which town I 
 forthwith took my departure, with the avowed inten 
 tion of henceforth cutting all connection with a metrop 
 olis where my industry and abilities had met with so 
 unworthy a recompense. 
 
 It was on a chilly, foggy April evening that I took 
 my seat inside the Humbug Mercury. My prospects 
 were gloomy, my spirits still more so. Gradually, 
 however, this despondency wore away, and gave place 
 to livelier sensations. A night s journey in a stage 
 coach is an excellent recipe for the blues. A thousand 
 little incidents are perpetually at work to call off the 
 attention from self. There is the casual and often diver- 
 tingly characteristic chit-chat; the whimsical settling- 
 down of the more practiced insiders into a snug 
 nook for a nap; the cheering sound of the guard s hern.
 
 48 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 
 
 as the horses clatter along the stones of some provirv 
 cial town; the snatch of supper at the appointed inn, 
 with tho bright fireside and the blazing candles; then, 
 again, the abrupt departure, with the "Good-night" 
 of my landlord, and the" All right "of the regenerated 
 coachman these, and divers other minutia?, though 
 trifling enough, you will say, have at least a tendency 
 to divert the mind, and so far re-assured me, that by 
 the time I reached Humbug, I had wholly regained my 
 serenity, notwithstanding, I had for fourteen hours 
 been wedged fas\, between two elderly ladies, one of 
 whom took Scotch snuff, and the other talked inces 
 santly of her son Tom. 
 
 Within a walking distance of the borough of Hum 
 bug dwelt Miles Snodgrass, Esq., who was rich, conse 
 quently respectable, and possessed of considerable local 
 influence. As the artificer of his own fortune, Mr. 
 Snodgrass held himself in no slight estimation. His 
 father had for years been the town-clerk; but dying 
 suddenly when Miles was yet a boy, left him heir to 
 little but his virtues and his wardrobe. The lad, how- 
 ever, being tractable, bustling, and gifted with what 
 the experienced in such matters call " an eye to busi 
 ness," was taken notice of by the parochial authorities 
 who contrived to get him bound apprentice to an old 
 friend of his father, a wealthy linen-draper of Humbug, 
 in which capacity he rendered himself so generally 
 useful, that at the expiration of his servitude his mas 
 ter, finding he could not do without him, took the 
 ycung man into partnership, and, in process of time, as 
 ne himself waxed old and indolent, invested him with 
 the entire superintendence of the concern. 
 
 Years rolled on, and each successive one found Miles 
 Snodgrass rising into gradual importance in the neigh 
 borhood. By the death of his patron he became sole 
 proprietor of the concern, which enabled him to enlarge 
 the sphere of his ambition, and espouse the wealthy 
 daughter of a retired butcher. 
 
 But his good luck did not stop here. Some men are
 
 DONOVAN S CON8OLAHOK. 49 
 
 born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and Miles 
 Snodgrass was one of these lucky few. A successful 
 speculation in cottons rendered him, shortly after his 
 carriage, so wholly independent of trade as to justify 
 him in withdrawing his name from the concern, and be 
 coming a " silent partner." 
 
 It is from this period that his standing in society and 
 his election as an alderman may be dated. At the ur 
 gent intercession of his eldest daughter, who was now 
 fast advancing to womanhood, he exchanged his snug 
 private house in the main street for a spacious man 
 sion. Suddenly he discovered that his family was of 
 ancient extraction; and once, in a moment of enthu 
 siasm was heard to talk of his ancestors. 
 
 Not longafter my meeting the gentleman, I wc*s invit 
 ed by him to his house to a party. I accepted the invita 
 tion. The hall-clock was just on the stroke of six as I 
 entered Mr. Snodgrass drawing~room,where I found all 
 the family present, except the eldest and youngest sons, 
 the former of whom was putting the finishing stroke to 
 his education at Cambridge. His mother spoke in rap 
 tures of this young man s precocity, in which she was 
 joined by Miss Anna Maria Snodgrass, a spinster ad 
 dicted to Sunday-schools and the patronage of all the 
 rising geniuses of the district; and whose face, broad at 
 the forehead and peaked at the chin, like a kite ar.d 
 which, by the by, she rarely showed but in profile 
 gave undeniable token that she was of an intellectual 
 turn of mind. 
 
 The youngest daughter, Isabel, was in every respect 
 the reverse of her sister. The one was grave and predis 
 posed to sanctity; the other, all smiles and ecstacy. 
 The one was a blue, the other a torn-boy. The one 
 seemed astonished at nothing; the other at every 
 thing. The one was tall, lean, and straight from 
 bead to foot like a bed-post; the other, short, 
 fat, and remarkable for a fine expanse of foot, which, 
 spreading out semi-circularly, like a lady s fan, at the 
 toes, lent peculiar weight and safety to her tread.
 
 50 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 
 
 As fci Mrs. Snodgrass, she was a plump, buxom 
 rei ic of the old school a cross between the mistress 
 and the housekeeper. She dressed invariably in the 
 brightest colors, wore pockets, and persisted in carrying 
 about with her a huge bunch of keys. In temper, she 
 was the perfection of homely, hearty good-humor, and 
 was fond of seasoning her talk with parentheses, and 
 indulging in allusions to her brother, a barrister in some 
 practice at the Chancery-bar. 
 
 During dinner, a more than ordinary taciturnity pre 
 vailed. The alderman, in particular, who hekl all con 
 versation during meals as an act of folly, if not pro- 
 fanencss, said little or nothing* The very utmost li 
 cense of speech he allowed himself, even on that sub 
 ject which lay next his heart, tbe election, was a 
 stray remark or two, thrown off between the courses. 
 "Why, yes," he would say on such occasions, in reply 
 to observations previously made by one or other cf the 
 party, "your opinion cf Gilcbrist is very just. Maria 
 Izzy, are those artichokes near yen ? And c. c for the 
 corporation, O Blarney, 1 agree with you that v/ith a 
 little dexterous management we may contrive to win 
 them over. Mrs. S. that haunch looks so tempting 
 that I really think I must venture again. Besides, Sly 
 boots is almost the only man among them all whose 
 principles may be said to be fixed. Maria, I ll thank 
 you fora wing of one of those partridges; don t trouble 
 yourself, O Blarney, Maria is a capital carver." 
 
 I did trouble myself, however, and with my usual 
 luck; for in attempting to anatomize the bird, I hap 
 pened bashful men are always awkward to baptize 
 Miss Snodgrass with the gravy, and despatched a leg 
 over the way to her sister. This catastrophe elicited a 
 loud laugh from the frolicsome girl, for which her 
 mother thought fit to apologize. " "She is so full of 
 life, Mr. O Blarney (Izzy, my dear, you ve got no veg 
 etables; you know I dislike your eating meat without 
 them) quite the chad of nature; indeed, her spirit* 
 ire too much for her strength."
 
 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 51 
 
 "I was not laughing at Mr. O Blarney. mamma," 
 replied Isabel, and was proceeding still further to vindi 
 cate her innocence, when her father bluntly checked 
 her by saying, "Hold your tongue, child, and attend to 
 your business;" shortly after which, the cloth being 
 withdrawn, he took off his spectacles, placed a dry crust 
 beside him, which remained ove" from the cheese, and 
 looked about him with the benignant air of one who 
 has just fulfilled a sacred duty. There is nothing like 
 a good dinner to bring out the humanities. 
 
 "John," said Mrs. Snodgrass, as the footman was ar 
 ranging the dessert, "you have forgotten to place a 
 chair for Master Samuel." 
 
 The mar* hastened to repair his omission, after which 
 the bell was rung twice, and. almost instantly followed 
 by the entrance of a mischievous-looking urchin, about 
 six years old, with his hair combed straight over his 
 forehead, and his face shining with soap and water. 
 
 This imp had no sooner taken his seat than he bc gnn 
 helping himself to everything within reach of his 
 taJons. I was convinced by this that he was a spoiled 
 child; soj, coaxing him towards me with the offer of an 
 orange, I planted him on my knee, and, patting him on 
 the head, said, "Well, my fine little fellow, and what s 
 your name Y" 
 
 "Samuel Charlton," replied the boy, as demurely as 
 if he were answering the first question in the cate 
 chism. 
 
 "I have named him Charlton," observed his father 
 with emphasis, "after a gentleman of that name, to 
 whom I dedicated the printed copy of a speech I made 
 during my mayoralty." 
 
 "I see you re fond of children," said the gratified 
 mother; "Sam takes to you quite naturally. Would 
 you believe it, Mr. O Blarney ?" 
 
 "O Blarney !" said the urchin, with a grin, "what a 
 funny name !" 
 
 "Sweet simplicity !" resumed the good lady; "would 
 you believe it, sir Maria, do pray take that knife out
 
 ,52 SAM S PECULIARITIES. 
 
 of Izzy s hands young as lie is, he has already ^rot the 
 multiplication table by heart ! Sammy, dar, hold up 
 your head, and tell the gentleman how much twice nine 
 makes." 
 "Tea 1" screamed the lad. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 SAM S PECULIARITIES. 
 
 "Oh, fy ! guess again/ 
 
 "Eleven T 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Twelve !" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Eighteen ? 
 
 "Right, Sam, 1 said his father; "that lad, 1m think 
 ing Mr. O Blarney, will make a figure in the world/ 
 
 I was just about to reply, when a sudden acute 
 twinge caused me involuntarily to cry out, "Oh, mur 
 der !" and, on directing my attention to the part af 
 fected, I caught the promising Samuel busily engaged 
 in driving his father s toothpick into my knee. 
 
 "Dear me what s the matter ?" inquired Mrs. Snod- 
 grass, with an air of much concern. 
 
 "A mere trifle," I replied, striving hard to look good- 
 natured; "the sprightly little fellow has been boring a 
 hole in my knee-pan that s all; but children, boys 
 especially, are so engaging at his age! It s quite 
 impossible to be angry with them. 
 
 I thought Isabel would have gone into fits at this 
 explanation, which so tickled her brother, who even at 
 that early age was impressed with a notion that he 
 was a wag, that he played off a variety of other tricks, 
 until at length, his pranks became so intolerable that 
 his mother, in self-defence, was compelled to order him 
 np-stairs to bed. 
 
 But here ensued a scene that baffles all description.
 
 SAM S PECULIARITIES. 53 
 
 Notwithstanding his mother s coaxings, the brat 
 refused to stir; and, while the nurse was preparing to 
 carry him up-stairs, freed himself by a desperate 
 affort from her grasp, clung to the green baize for pro 
 tection, pulled it half off the table, and brought plates, 
 glasses, and decanters to the ground. 
 
 In an instant all was confusion. The alderman 
 started up to save as much as he could from the wreck; 
 but happening to make a false step was thrown for 
 ward on Mrs. Snodgrass, who, upset by the shock of 
 this novel impetus, plunged backward with a scream; 
 while, to make matters worse, a tom-cat on which her 
 husband had trodden, roused from a nap on the hearth 
 rug, dug his claws into his calf; so that, with the yell- 
 ings of the cat, the screaming of Mrs. Snodgrass, and 
 the astonishment, mixed with laughter, of the rest of 
 the group, the scene was one of the richest farce I ever 
 remember. 
 
 In about half an hour, tranquillity was restored, and 
 the alderman, having appeased his wrath by a bumper 
 of claret, said, " You ll excuse what I am going to say, 
 Mr. O Blarney curse the cat, how she has scratched my 
 leg! but the fact is sir, I always make a point of taking 
 a nap after dinner; no matter who may be here, I 
 never give up my nap; but help j^ourself, don t mind 
 me. Mrs. S-. you ll take care of Mr. O Blarney;" and 
 so saying, without further ceremony, the alderman 
 threw himself back in his arm-chair, and in a few 
 minutes was fast asleep. 
 
 "Have you read Only a Woman s Heart the new 
 novel?" asked Miss Snodgrass, as she beheld her father s 
 chin give its first decided bob against his chest. 
 
 "I cannot say I have; my time of late has been too 
 much occupied for such reading." 
 
 "That s just my case, Mr. O Blarney," observed Mrs. 
 Snodgrass. 
 
 Mamma, how can you say so? you know it is not a 
 month since you finished the tale !" 
 
 " Oh! true, love, I remember, I read it at the recom-
 
 54 SAM S PECULIARITIES. 
 
 mendation of my brother; and, if I recollect rightly 
 Izzy, don t sit with your legs crossed there was 
 something in it about a grand dinner, which reminded 
 me, as I mentioned to you at the time, of your father s 
 mayor s feast." 
 
 "So Lord George Gilchrist has really arrived in the 
 neighborhood?" interrupted Miss Snodgrass testily. 
 "Yes," I replied; "are you acquainted with him:" 
 
 "Not at all. I have seen him once or twice; he is 
 quite a young man, apparently not more than thirty." 
 
 "Do you call that young, Maria?" inquired Isabel; 
 "I call it being quite old." 
 
 "Old!" said Miss Snodgrass; "you don t know what 
 you are talking about, child." 
 
 " His lordship must have felt it a great sacrifice to 
 quit town at this gay season," I observed; "and for 
 such a troublesome business as an election, too. Of 
 course, you know what a London spring is, Miss Snod 
 grass?" 
 
 " I am ashamed to say I never was in London but 
 on one occasion, and then for a very short time. 
 
 For the last five years, papa has talked regularly ot 
 indulging us with a trip there; but one thing or other 
 always interferes to prevent it. In the first place, ue 
 hates being put out of his way; then mamma has her 
 objections " 
 
 "I have objections, certainly, Maria. To say noth 
 ing of the trouble of packing up, and the chance of 
 damp sheets in one s lodgings, the expense of a season 
 in London is, I am told, beyond what could be con 
 ceived." 
 
 " Expense, my dear madam!" I replied, in no little 
 alarm; " surely you must be under a misapprehension!" 
 I then proceeded to expatiate on the advantages of an 
 occasional residence in the metropolis; to Miss Snod 
 grass I talked of the agreeable tone of its literary 
 society; while I whetted her sister s curiosity by dwell 
 ing on its various public exhibitions, balls, theaters, 
 dances, and so forth.
 
 SAM S PECULIARITIES. 55 
 
 The bait took as I desired. "O mamma!" said 
 Isabel, jumping up, and clapping her hands in ecstacy, 
 "how delightful! Do, pray, let us leave this horrid 
 dull place, I shall never be happy till I go to London. 
 Oh, I do so want to see all the sights! And the danc 
 ing, too! I m so fond of dancing, you can t think! When 
 shall we go, ma?" 
 
 Before her mother could reply, the alderman woke 
 up from his nap, which was the signal for the ladies 
 retiring into the drawing-room. When the door 
 had closed on them, he said, putting on a look of 
 official dignity,"! never talk of business before women; 
 but now they are gone, we can discuss matters at our 
 ease." He then inquired minutely into all the partic 
 ulars of my reception by an election committee, which 
 he had sent me to interview; complimented me on my 
 address to the electors, and vowed that, if he expended 
 his last cent, he would let people see he was not quite 
 the fool they took him for. 
 
 "Of course, I was all admiration of such conduct 
 " But," I added, in my most persuasive manner, " Mr. 
 Snodgrass, must be aware that in contests of tins nature 
 ready money is the main desideratum , if, therefore, 
 you will place at my disposal certain sums which are 
 requisite for the service of the committee, who have 
 done me the honor to place themselves under my guid 
 ance, I will stake all my Irish estates on the chances 
 of your success?" 
 
 This direct allusion to money-matters put the old 
 felloAv on his mettle. In an instant he was all caution. 
 
 "Ahem! we ll talk of this to-morrow. Help yourself." 
 
 "But, my dear sir, consider that in these cases 
 promptitude is the life and soul of business." 
 
 " True, very true, but still 
 
 "I know what you would say; but remember sir, the 
 old adage, Nothing venture, nothing gain. An elec 
 tion I will not deny the fact is like everything else, 
 a lottery; but, in this particular instance, it is a lottery 
 iii which a prize is all but certain. And what a prize!
 
 56 SAM S PECULIARITIES. 
 
 To you, sir, whose eloquence is so well known, it must 
 be beyond all price. I .almost fancy I see you rising, for 
 the first time, in the House. Republicans are in de 
 spair the Democrats in ecstacies; while the news 
 papers next morning, in noticing your triumphant debut, 
 says, Loud cheers followed the conclusion of the speech. " 
 
 " Enough, enough," said the alderman, in that pecu 
 liar manner which betrays marked satisfaction, while it 
 would fain affect indifference; " nothing, as you say, is 
 to be done without ready money," and he acceded to 
 my demand; but then, as if glad to get rid of an un 
 gracious topic, he rose from his seat, and led the way to 
 the drawing-room. 
 
 During tea-time I took my station beside Miss Snod- 
 grass, who had a thousand gossiping nothings to say 
 about Lord George and the election, while her father 
 occupied himself by poring over the contents of the 
 newspaper. 
 
 When the equipage was cleared away, my fair neigh 
 bor went into the drawing-room, and returned 
 almost immediately after with a splendidly bound 
 album, ^Jiich she placed in my hands, adding, " I am 
 sure you are fond of elegant literature by your conversa 
 tion, though perhaps you are too modest to gay so." it 
 is astonishing what keen insight women have into 
 character "remember, therefore, that I shall depend 
 on you for a contribution; nay, no excuse, you are com 
 promised." 
 
 "Compromised!" said her father, throwing aside his 
 paper, " Who says I am compromised?" then, instantly 
 recovering himself, he added, in a gayer tone, "Pooh! 
 pooh! my brain is always running upon politics." 
 
 " The choice of subject," continued Miss Snodgrass, 
 taking no notice of this interruption, " I leave to your 
 self, though I had rather it should be something in verse, 
 for of all things, poetry is " 
 
 " A pack of rubbish," said the alderman; " if I had 
 my will, I d clap every poet in the stocks; I never had 
 dealings with any but one, and he "
 
 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 57 
 
 ** I know of whom you are thinking, papa poor 
 young Atkinson, your clerk, whom you dismissed last 
 year for setting fire to his bed-curtains. But you 
 should make allowances for the eccentricities of 
 genius." 
 
 " Genius, fcrsooth! why the fellow could not cast up 
 a sum in addition But enough of him. O Blarney, do 
 you play whist?" 
 
 No." 
 
 " Sorry for that; for Mrs. S. and myself love a quiet 
 rubber, now and then. Backgammon ?" 
 
 No." 
 
 " Well, then, suppose you sing us a song or two, 
 Maria. Mr. O Blarney, I dare say, is fond of music." 
 
 To be sure I was: indeed it was quite a passion with 
 me a confession which raised me still higher in the 
 good graces of the young lady. 
 
 But let no man vaunt his love of music. It is a 
 dangerous boast, and never fails to carry its own pun 
 ishment along with it. Miss Snodgrass chirped one, 
 two, three Italian airs; then came a duet with Isabel; 
 then a French canzonet; and lastly, the well known 
 "In the Gloaming" sung with a twist of the mouth 
 peculiarly provocative of passion. 
 
 But, as all matters must have an end, a termination 
 was at length put even to Miss Snodgrass musical dis 
 play; and at a late hour I quitted the house; but not 
 before the alderman had insisted on my making his 
 house my home, whenerer I found it convenient. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 
 
 To the consternation of the alderman, the election 
 terminated in favor of his opponent by a meagre ma 
 jority of twelvel This result was chiefly owing to
 
 58 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 
 
 their maneuvers. "With admirable tact they kept their 
 opinions to themselves till the proper season came for 
 putting them forth, looked on the apostacy of one of 
 their fraternity as a sort of reflection on the whole body. 
 Even Alderman Slyboots "unkindest cut of all!" was 
 found among the number of Mr. Snodgrass opponents. 
 
 This defeat was a grievous blow to my interests. It 
 at once demolished all the fine castles which, for weeks 
 past, I had been erecting in the air; for, by the aid of 
 the alderman s influence, I had hoped, not only to 
 establish myself among the elite of Humbug, but per- 
 adventure even to become nearly connecter! with his 
 family, 
 
 But if my disappointment was great, far greater was 
 the alderman s. On him the disastrous tidings burst 
 like a thunder-clap. 
 
 The spell of my influence was now broken; and just 
 in proportion as 1 had risen, so did I fall in the alder 
 man s estimation. For one whole week he confined 
 himself to retirement admitting no one to his presence 
 but an attorney, whom he engaged to prosecute minute 
 inquiries into the way in which I had disposed of cer 
 tain electioneering sums intrusted to my superintend 
 ence; his suspicions being roused by the election hav 
 ing been lost by the very same number of votes which 
 he had supplied me with funds to purchase! 
 
 The result of these inquiries was, I soon found out, 
 unsatisfactory; for when I ventured, a few days after 
 the election, to send in my card, I was informed that 
 my presence was no longer desirable. 
 
 A man of more brass than I can possibly pretend to, 
 would have insisted at once on being confronted with 
 the alderman and his attorney; but my disastrous diffi 
 dence in this, as in every other instance, got the better 
 of me. I imagined, too, that by remaining quiet for a 
 time, the storm would blow over, and Mr. Snodgrass be 
 brought to regard my conduct with a more unprejudiced 
 eye, especially as I had every reason to believe I should 
 find a warm advocate in his eldest daughter; so lallowed
 
 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 5& 
 
 the golden moment to escape, and the sand in the 
 hour-glass to run out, till it became almost too late to 
 retrieve myself. 
 
 At length, as I was turning an angle of the road that 
 led sharp round to the gates, I suddenly encountered 
 Mrs. Snodgrass on her way on foot to Humbug. The 
 good lady recognized me in an instant. 
 
 Well," she exclaimed, "I always said everything 
 would be cleared up; though, to tell you the truth, Mr% 
 O Blarney, the alderman has been in a sad way about 
 you. Some one has put it into his head that you ve 
 been making a cat s-paw of him, though, as I told him 
 at the time, My clear Mr. S., said I, what matters it 
 what people say? they will talk, you know; so let em, 
 and when they re tired they ll hold their tongues. Those 
 were the very words I used, Mr. O Blarney; for I knew 
 you must have a good heart by your taking so much 
 notice of Sam." 
 
 "Ah, my Mttle playfellow Sammy!" said I, with affec 
 tionate vivacity, "how is the dear little fellow:* It may 
 be a weakness, Mrs. Snodgrass, but I never see children 
 without feeling my heart warm towards them, as if they 
 were my own. And your fair daughters are they, 
 too, in good health?" 
 
 The old lady shook her head. "Tory odd, Mr. O Elar 
 ney, but Maria takes the loss of the election mere to 
 heart than even Mr. S.I I can t conceive what s come 
 to the girl. She says nothing except that she is re 
 signed to the visitation, and that if it be the will of God 
 she must submit. Sad business! She s not half the 
 girl she was." 
 
 "I m glad to sec that you, at least, bear up against 
 these afflictions, Mrs< Snodgrass." 
 
 "Who, I? Oh, I ve lots of trouble too,only I haven t 
 time to be down-hearted. Who would look after the 
 servants, if I were to lay up? But I must not stay 
 gossiping; so good-bye, Mr. O Blarney. I wish you 
 success with Mr. S. ; but, pray, don t take him up too 
 short, if he should be a little hot at first.
 
 60 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 
 
 Far different was my interview with the alderman 
 Six men on whose faces tribulation was written at full- 
 length, and in the clearest type, were just quitting the 
 house as I reached the hall-door a circumstance which 
 convinced me that I should have need of all my temper 
 and address. 
 
 Xo sooner had I announced my name than I heard 
 the alderman s surly voice in the passage, desiring the 
 footman to "send in that fellow." 
 
 On entering the study, Mr. Snodgrass, who was seated 
 at the table, neither looked up nor rose to meet me, 
 but kept his eyes riveted on the table. His personal 
 appearance was by no means improved by his late dis 
 appointment. His face was yellow asa crocus: a beard 
 of at least two days growth threw his chin into what 
 artists would call a fine shadow; and he perpetually 
 shifted his position, like a man in a high state of nerv 
 ous excitement. I could not but feel for his situation, 
 and was just beginning to express my regret at finding 
 him so much of an invalid, when he interrupted me 
 fiercely with, "Aye, you may well condole with me; 
 none but an egregious blockhead would have listened 
 for an instant to such an adventurer!" 
 
 I made allowance tor his outburst, and calmly replied, 
 "Mr. Snodgrass, you do me injustice. I am no advent 
 urer, sir, but a man who, on principle, and this only, 
 sought to interest you in behalf of the party. I was 
 prepared for a more difficult task than I encountered. 
 
 The alderman here started from his seat, then, recol 
 lecting himself, he said "What is this matter that ycu 
 say you have to explain? Tell it at once, and be off." 
 
 "Language like this, Mr. gnodgrass, scarcely deserves 
 a reply. However, to show you that I am not vindic 
 tive, and can make every allowance for your situa 
 tion" 
 
 "My situation? what do you mean by that, sir? Think 
 of your own. Yet what, after all, is yours compared 
 with mine! I have lost everything. For the money I 
 care nothing it is gone, and there s an end of it; but
 
 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 61 
 
 where is my standing? where is my influence? where is 
 my character for consistency?" 
 
 "Have courage, sir, and all will yet be well." 
 
 The alderman continued, " To be bamboozled, para 
 graphed, and held up to ridicule by both parties; a man 
 of my years and station to be treated in this manner, 
 and all through the trickery of an obscure adventurer 
 - tis not to be Ah, what, you re there still, sir? 
 1 1 ughing, no doubt, in your sleeve, at my egregious 
 folly." 
 
 "Folly, Mr. Snodgrass!" 
 
 "Well, wisdom then, if you like it better, for wise 
 indeed I have shown myself to be your dupe! You knew 
 from the first I had no chance. But what did that mat 
 ter so long as you could feather your own nest? But 
 proceed with your story, sir." 
 
 "It is very plain and simple. In one word, Mr. Snod 
 grass, for I perceive you are not in a tit state calmly to 
 consider the details of my proposition, I have every 
 reason to believe that George s election has been car 
 ried solely by means of bribery and corruption; and 
 that, if you think fit to petition against his return, 
 there can be no doubt that the House will decide in your 
 favor. To be sure, we are far from immaculate cur- 
 selves; but fortunately our maneuvers h ve been man 
 aged with skill and secrecy, whereas Grecrgc s party 
 have been openly boasting of theirs." 
 
 "Well, sir, and what then?" 
 
 "Merely this that it remains with yoorself to decide. 
 Your chance is, I am persuaded, better tl.ar. ever. 
 
 "Indeed!" said the alderman, drawling ou the word, 
 as if he were half-asleep; "and pray, sir, tor your valu 
 able assistance in this matter, what further sums may 
 be necessary? Will another hundred pounds satisfy 
 you?" 
 
 "I understand your sneer, and, as an honest man, meet 
 it with the contempt it deserves." 
 
 "What! and have you the impudence to call yourself 
 an honest man?
 
 62 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 
 
 This stung me to the ^uick; "Oh, Mr. Snodgrass, 
 Mr. Snodgrass," said "i, "it grieves me to the soul to 
 see such powers of sarcasm and eloquence as you pos 
 sess thrown away on an obscure individual like myself. 
 Reserve it 1 beseech you, 
 
 These words wrought quite a talismanic effect on the 
 alderman. "Quit the room, sir !" said he; I, in the 
 mildest possible terms continued, " With respect to 
 this election, Mr. Snodgrass, there is yet one way left 
 by which I think you may manage to dismcuuiber 
 yourself of the pecuniary obligations attending it." 
 
 In an instant the old man was all attention, and 
 said, "Free myself from these election debts, did you 
 say ? Where when how t my excellent young 
 friend. I am hasty, it is true, but always open to con 
 viction." 
 
 "Oh, my plan is scarcely worth mentioning; it 
 merely regards pecuniary matters, which, as you ob- 
 Sv-rvcd just now, weigh nothing in your estimation 
 compared with the loss of your character for consist 
 ency." 
 
 " True, I did say so, nevertheless " 
 
 " You are anxious to hear it. Be it so, though I am 
 by no means sanguine, that a person of your distinction 
 will adopt it. However, such as it is, it is at your serv 
 ice. You may have heard, sir, in the course of your 
 long commercial experience " said I, pausing be 
 tween each word, " of " 
 
 Yes, yes, very good, go on." 
 
 "Of an act entitled the Insolvent Debtor s Act. 
 It is one of singular 
 
 "Knave! swindler! rascal! Is it thus you add 
 insult to injury:" 
 
 " You complain of your debts. I propose to you a 
 remedy. Am I to be blamed for this ?" 
 
 "Quit the room instantly, sir ! I disgrace myself by 
 holding conversation with you."
 
 WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 63 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 WHERE THE MONEY WENT 
 
 There is no need of bluster, Mr. Snodgrass," said I, 
 "I quit your house far more readily than I entered it, 
 fully convinced that when you have regained your 
 senses, you will do me that justice which your blind 
 passion just now withholds " 
 
 "By Jove! I ll 
 
 Just at this instant a gaunt, sulky man forced his 
 way into the room, and, after stammering out one or 
 two awkward words of condolence, approached Mr. 
 Snodgrass, and thrusting forward something that bore 
 the semblance of a bill, was just commencing with, 
 "Touching this little account," when the alderman 
 snatched the paper from the dun s talon s, and, throw 
 ing it at me exclaimed, " This, fellow, is your affair, 
 not mine. You have had the money, and must and 
 shall be responsible." 
 
 - Responsible ! And for your debts too ! No, no, 
 Mr. Snodgrass, I have no objection to be just, but I really 
 cannot afford to be generous." 
 
 " Wretch ! this impudence surpasses belief ! What, 
 have you not had my cheques for those twelve voters, to 
 not one of whom you ever paid a penny ? Nay, more, 
 sir, have you not, throughout the whole business, been 
 bent on my own ruin ? Yes, sir, my ruin, I say." 
 
 " What s that to the purpose, you 
 
 " Aye, what indeed ?" interrupted the man, who, 
 began to tremble for his account. "I shall look to you 
 for payment, Mr. Snodgrass. I know nothink of this 
 here gemman. These are hard times, Mr. S., and I 
 mean no offence, but justice is justice, and law s law, 
 sir; and so, sir," putting on his hat with a vehement 
 thump on the crown, "I wish you good-morning, sir.
 
 64 WHERE THE JVIOXETf WENT. 
 
 "And I shall follow this worthy man s example. 
 Possibly, Mr. Snodgrass, you and I may never meet 
 again; I avail myself, therefore, of this opportunity to 
 declare that, despite your conduct towards me, I pity 
 and forgive you;" and I stalked from the apartment. 
 
 1 was not in the slightest degree surprised at the al 
 derman s indignation; though I had no idea he would 
 carry it to the extreme length of holding me publicly 
 forth as an adventurer and a swindler. True, certain 
 sums intrusted by him to me for distribution did not 
 exactly reach their destination; but surely this did not 
 justify the atrocious paragraphs that now daily appeared 
 against me ! The truth is, that in the hurry and bustle 
 necessarily attendant on a contested election, the money 
 had been overlooked; but I put it to any man of feeling 
 anddelicacy, whether, under the peculiar circumstances 
 of the case, such an act of forgetfulness was not per 
 fectly natural; or, if an error, whether it were not one 
 of omission rather than of commission. 
 
 But I have a better plea to urge than that of mere 
 omission. As principal agent for Mr. Snodgrass, it was 
 of course necessary that I should make a parade of 
 superior respectability in fact, keep all but open 
 house. Now, this could not be done on the wee kly 
 pittance I received from the Flying Reporter, and I was 
 compelled in consequence to appropriate a portion of 
 the sums received from the alderman; and pray, to 
 what more fitting or laudable purpose could I devote 
 his money than to secure the interests of his election ? 
 For nwself, individually, I neither asked nor received 
 one farthing for my labors; they were undertaken solely 
 with reference to the public good; arid the reward I 
 met with for such heroic disinterestedness was, first, to 
 be denounced as a swindler; secondly, to be dismissed 
 from my editorial functions ! 
 
 In this predicament, with a name tainted throughout 
 Humbug, and but one paltry hundred dollars left, I felt 
 I had no alternative but to appeal once more to the 
 sense and justice of Mr. Snodgrass. Accordingly, after
 
 WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 65 
 
 much deliberation and blotting of paper, I despatched 
 a pathetic letter to him, to which no reply being vouch 
 safed, I allowed a week to elapse, and then sat down 
 and penned a second. 
 
 This missive, strange to say, shared the fate of the 
 former; on which I despatched a third, wherein I 
 specially requested that Mr. Snodgrass would "do me 
 the favor to consider himself horsewhipped;" and, not 
 satisfied with this revenge, wrote and printed for 
 general distribution a most combustible pamphlet, in 
 which I attacked the public and private character of 
 the alderman; branded him as an apostate, a liar, a 
 coward; and, in short, laid about me with such zeal, 
 that Mr. Snodgrass, stung to the quick, commissior.ad 
 his attorney to enter an action against me for libel. 
 
 This was the very thing I most desired, for it not 
 only afforded me an opportunity of publicly vindicat 
 ing my character; but also of mixing up my case with 
 the great question of the liberty of the press. 
 
 But, let no man trust to his innocence for acquittal 
 by a jury. Law is a game of hazard, where luck 
 decides everything. Within a fortnight from the 
 publication of my pamphlet, among the trials which 
 engrossed public attention was that of "Snodgrass vs- 
 O Blarney," in which, after the plaintiff s counsel had 
 inveighed elaborately against the licentiousness of the 
 press, and the defendants had insisted, with equal 
 pertinacity, on its perfect freedom both, in the fer 
 vor of their eloquence, losing sight of the main 
 features of the case the jury brought in a verdict of 
 guilty; and I was sentenced to six months imprison 
 ment, and a fine, which I had no earthly chance of 
 ever being able to liquidate. 
 
 What a change had the last few days wrought in my 
 condition ! But one short month before, I was in no incon 
 siderable repute in Humbug; I was now the proscribed 
 inmate of a county jail. My position was indeed a hope 
 less one, and the mean, dark, cheerless apartment I in 
 habited was by no means, calculated to raise my spirits.
 
 66 WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 
 
 Mr. Graves, the jailor, who, affected by my prompt 
 munificence for I had slipped a five dollar bill into his 
 hand only the day preceding came to propose tome "a 
 turn" in the courtyard, to which I readily assented. 
 
 I found it filled with prisoners, who were pacing 
 up and down in groups of twos and threes. 
 
 While he was pointing out to my notice some of the 
 more notorious among them, which he did with an 
 emphasis amounting almost to reverence, we were 
 joined by a grave, stout, formal personage, with an 
 enormous bullet-head, firmly fixed (with little or no 
 intervention of neck) between two massive shoulders. 
 
 This stranger, whom I soon discovered to be a 
 piquant mixture of the scamp and the pedant, making 
 me a profound obeisance; while at the same time he 
 eyed me from head to foot with an air of scientific dis 
 crimination, expressed his regret at my presence in a 
 place so ill-calculated to improve my moral or physical 
 condition. "But, sir," he added with amazing pomp 
 of manner, "you have the consolation of knowing no 
 matter what be the cause that brought you here that 
 you are, like myself, the victim of destiny. Vice and 
 virtue, sir, are mere matters of impulse, I have come 
 to the conclusion that, do what we will, neither the 
 best nor worst of us can control our actions, that the 
 sum and substance of all human wisdom may be com 
 prised in this one sentence what will be, will be." 
 
 "A very sagacious conclusion, Mr. I beg your 
 pardon, but may I ask whom I have the honor of 
 addressing?" I inquired. 
 
 "Stubbs, sir, Justinian Stubbs, late professor of lan 
 guages at the Humbug Charity School a gentleman 
 and, I trust I may add, a scholar, who, by one of those 
 sudden vicissitudes to which the best of us are liable, 
 has been but just subjected to persecution. 
 
 "Indeed!" 
 
 "May I inquire the cause of such an accident?" 
 
 "O 1 certainly, sir; I need have no reserves with one 
 of your respectability. It was my fate some months
 
 WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 67 
 
 since to be detected in certain verbal inaccuracies 
 touching- the amount of a few corporation subscriptions 
 for the Humbug Charity School, and to be publicly 
 exhibited, in conseqence, to the gaze of the most un 
 polished rabble I think I ever saw." 
 
 "They certainly did let fly uncommon sharp," inter 
 posed the jailor; "the cabbage-stumps flew like any 
 thing." 
 
 "Vulgar beast!" whispered the fatalist. 
 
 "You could scarcely have expected otherwise Mr. 
 Stubbs," I replied. 
 
 "Sir, your position is unanswerable. After the most 
 impartial consideration I fan give to the subject, I 
 fin I it impossible to reconcile myself to the idea that 
 it is either an elegant or creditable exhibition. Still, 
 like everyting else, it has its redeeming points." 
 
 "Mow so?" 
 
 "Why, sir, you must at least allow that it teaches 
 the oppressed a lesson of forbearance; to endure adver 
 sity with becoming resignation." 
 
 "Sweet are the uses of adversity," I observed, 
 
 "You are right, sir. It is the very Paradise of such 
 sweets." 
 
 "You seem to entertain a very soothing recollection 
 of them." 
 
 "And why not? Conscious that I was the victim of 
 destiny, I bade defiance to the storm around me. I yet had 
 not my ears cropped, like that illustrious sage Defoe." 
 
 " Why, no," said I, "it is plain they are as long as 
 sver." 
 
 "You re a wag, sir, I conjecture and I partake your 
 mirth. By the way, could you oblige me with a 
 quarter?" 
 
 The abruptness of this request, following high-flown 
 sentiments, astounded me. However, I acceded to the 
 petition, he instantly left me, with a low bow and a 
 profusion ot apologies.
 
 68 I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. 
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. 
 
 "\Yhcn we met again next day in the courtyard, OUT 
 Conversation turned on "my late experiment on Alder 
 man Snodgrass. My resolution to abide the result of 
 the trial astonished him. "Doubtless," said he, "it was 
 a heroic determination, but utterly lost, as you now 
 find to your cost, on an unreflecting age like the pres 
 ent. You should have quitted Humbug, sir, the instant 
 your degenerate patron had lost his election." 
 
 "1 confess my weakness, Mr. Stubbs; but society, 
 you know 
 
 "Society ! " interrupted he ; "talk not to me of 
 society. It is diseased to the heart s core. Look at me, 
 sir; I am an instance in point. Why am I here?" 
 
 "Because you can t get out, I suppose." 
 
 "lain here, because accident was, in my case, miscon 
 strued into design. Hence a year s imprisonment! ButI 
 have one consolation it could not have been otherwise." 
 
 \Ve were here interrupted by a red-faced young 
 fellow, who, taking a cigar from his mouth, and address 
 ing me with an air of affected courtesy, exclaimed, 
 "Proud to have the honor of your acquaintance, sir; I 
 presume, like the rest of us, you are the sport of 
 Fortune. Singular, how the blind goddess always per 
 secutes the diligent and the deserving! 
 
 "But I see an old acquaintance yonder; I must go 
 and join him," said Stubbs, and away he went. 
 
 No sooner had he quitted us than Wilde said, "There 
 goes one of the biggest rogues in all England, who, 
 while he grasps you cordially with one hand, will pick 
 your pocket with the other. He sounded the depths 
 of mine within en minutes of our first acquaintance, 
 while I was listening to a long story about Helvetius."
 
 I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. 69 
 
 "I have heard twice of that author already," said I. 
 
 "Then, sir, you have paid dearly for your knowl 
 edge. Stubbs is no advocate for gratuitous instruc 
 tion." 
 
 "No," I replied, after a diligent examination of my 
 pockets, "fortunately all s right. .Nevertheless, I thank 
 you for your caution." 
 
 " I am not unreasonable enough," continued Wilde, 
 "to condemn our friend for wishing to keep his hand in 
 practice such a wish is creditable to his ambition as 
 an artist. For, after all, sir, what difference is there 
 between the thief and the conqueror? I protest I 
 can see none. But perhaps I am partial." 
 
 "The main difference lies in, that society adjusts a 
 rope to the neck of the thief. I trust, Mr. Wilde, you 
 are in no danger of the latter distinction?" 
 
 "God forbid! I am, indeed, condemned to undergo 
 excuse my speaking professionally the last penalties 
 of the law for an awkward sort of night blunder, made 
 on the premises of Alderman Squarestern, last spring, 
 (one is apt to make mistakes in the dark, you know); 
 but, luckily, on my trial a doubtful point arose, which 
 induced the judge to grant me a respite till he had 
 consulted the whole twelve. 
 
 "And can you feel at ease while in such a state of 
 suspense?" 
 
 -"Suspense ! Nonsense ! My attorney says 
 
 "Mr. Wilde, Mr. Wilde," said I, in a solemn but 
 affectionate tone, "the less you have to do with attor 
 neys the better. Rely on it, sir, they are not safe or 
 creditable associates for gentlemen of your character. 
 But, I beg pardon for interrupting you, what about 
 your attorney?" 
 
 "Why, he assures me that the point in question is all 
 but decided in my favor already. 
 
 "My dear sir, I am transported to hear it." 
 
 "No, personalities, I beg. I hate that word trans 
 ported; tis a villanous phrase, and should never be 
 uspd among decent folks. Another man, now, woulU
 
 70 I CONFESS MY "WEAKNESS. 
 
 be offended by such an expression; "hut I am a citizen 
 ,f the world, and take things coolly." 
 
 At present, however, I see Graves yonder preparing 
 to lock up. 
 
 Wilde was in the habit of conversing with me in this 
 flippant style whenever we happened to encounter each 
 other in the courtyard. As I became better acquainted 
 with him, I found that he was a wit, and without one 
 atom of real moral or physical fortitude. He boasted 
 of his past achievements just as if they were not to be 
 deeply regretted. 
 
 Meanwhile the time drew on "when "Wilde s destiny 
 was to be decided. I could detect a very visible altera 
 tion in his feelings. He began to shrink from the so 
 ciety of his former crony, who exhorted him to prepare 
 himself for the worst; and he clung more tenaciously 
 tome, with whom he held repeated discussions on the 
 subject of his chances of acquittal; and, though both oi 
 us came to the same conclusion I, from good-nature, 
 and he, from sheer incapacity to brave the worst still 
 it was impossible not to see, from his strange, fitful al 
 ternations of mirth and melancholy, that an uneasy 
 something was perpetually hanging about him. 
 
 One night, by permission of the jailor, and at Wilde s 
 earnest intercession, I accompanied him to his cell. He 
 Wits in rather more equable spirits than usual, abound 
 ing in anecdotes of his past life, and speculations as to 
 his future course of conduct. He was tired, he said, of 
 his old habits, and had serious thoughts, if only for the 
 novelty of the thing, of turning over a new leaf. I ap 
 proved highly of this project, and was dwelling on its 
 advantages, when suddenly, "Hark !" exclaimed the 
 poor fellow, turning on the instant as white as a corpse, 
 "I hear a foot-step." 
 
 "Nonsense," I replied, " tis mere fancy; or, perhaps, 
 they re locking up for the night." 
 
 But the quick instinct of fear was correct; for, while 
 I was yet speaking, we heard a heavy, measured tread, 
 accompanied by the clanking of keys, proceeding
 
 I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. 7] 
 
 the passage. An instant, and the step was at the door. 
 
 "It is the jailor," said Wilde, fetching a breath from 
 the very bottom of his heart ; and as he spoke the door 
 opened, and in walked that important official with a 
 written paper in his hand. 
 
 I looked anxiously into his face, and saw at once 
 that there was no hope. Wilde, too, caught the glance, 
 but instantly closed his eyes, and waved off ^the man 
 with an impetuous movement of his hand. 
 
 "Jonathan Wilde," commenced the jailor, clearing 
 his throat with a few solemn hems, "it is my painful 
 duty" 
 
 "Xot a word I will not hear a word. It is false, 
 and you know it. Come, come, Mr. Graves, confess 
 now you are joking;" and the poor wretch clutched the 
 jailor by his arm like a madman. 
 
 But the man only shook his head. 
 
 "It is it must be false. Oh, Mr. Graves ! my best, 
 my only friend, as you hope for mercy hereafter as 
 you would not have the curse of a dying man on your " 
 Then abruptly breaking off as the word "dying" struck 
 on his half-bewildered brain "Dying, indeed ! Faith, 
 this is excellent. Hah! hah! hah! Who s afraid!" 
 and he broke out into a fierce laugh, while the blood, 
 surging upward to his forehead, gorged the veins there 
 till I thought they would burst. 
 
 "Mr. Wilde," resumed the jailor, "my duty, however 
 painful, must bo performed. Prepare yourself for the 
 worst you have but two days to live." 
 
 A moment s pause succeeded this awful intimation- 
 At length, "O Blarney," said Wilde, in a whisper, such 
 as a curse is breathed in, "take my hat off quick 
 quick it binds my temples." 
 
 "Hat, man ! sure, you re dreaming. You ve got no 
 hat on." But he heard me not. Sense and feeling 
 were alike crushed out, and, dashing his doubled fists 
 against his forehead, he dropped, as if shot through the 
 heart.
 
 72 RELEASE FROM BONDAGE. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 RELEASE FROM BONDAGE. 
 
 A few days after this sad occurrence, as, full of seri 
 ous and painful thoughts, I was gazing on the stump 
 of the old tree where I had last seen Wilde seated, I 
 was joined by Mr. Justinian Stubbs, who, observing my 
 melancholy, said, "Doubtless, sir, you are thinking of 
 the poor young man who made such a disastrous exit 
 the other morning. It was a sad business, certainly; 
 but is so far satisfactory, inasmuch as it confirms the great 
 philosophic axiom, that what will be, will be. Our de 
 funct friend, sir, was born to be hanged. Often and 
 often, did the humble individual who has the honor to 
 address you, delicately hint to him this ungracious 
 truth; but the young man, with a thousand estimable, 
 and some few brilliant qualities, was strangely regard 
 less of all that militated against his own view of a 
 question. However, I do not blame, I only pity him. 
 It was a shocking case. Do you take snuff :" 
 
 "You would indeed have pitied him, had you wit 
 nessed his death." 
 
 "I believe you, sir; death is at all times an awkward 
 matter. But enough of this for the present; Graves is 
 beckoning us;" and, putting his arm through mine, we 
 strolled back to our respective cells. 
 
 In the course of the evening, while I was still sadly 
 pondering on Wilde s melancholy end, my meditations 
 were put an end to by a tremendous uproar, and the 
 shouts of many hundred voices outside the prison- 
 gates. A few minutes after the jailor rushed into my 
 apartment, breathless with astonishment and conster 
 nation. 
 
 "Hey-day, Mr. Graves !" said I, "what s the matter 
 ucw ? You seem completely at your wit s end-"
 
 RELEASE :FROM BONDAGE. 73 
 
 "Matte? .1 Why, there s a mob outside, who have 
 broken every window in town, and set Ere to the 
 mayor s house. They hav<3 now come up here in a body 
 of eight hundred or a thousand strong; and swear, if 
 we don t set all the prisoner s free, they ll burn the 
 jail down. I m blessed if I know which way to turn." 
 
 "Have you not sufficient force within to beat them 
 off f I inquired, and my heart leaped with delight at 
 the probability of my liberation. 
 
 "Force ! bless your heart, what can force ilo against 
 a hark! there they go again. They re at it now in 
 right earnest." 
 
 Knowing well the innate ferocity of all mobs, I prof 
 fered Mr. Graves the most disinterested advice in my 
 power, by exhorting him at once to throw open he 
 prison-gates; "Otherwise," said I, "you may rely on it 
 your life will be in jeopardy, and it will be but a poor 
 consolation to you when dangling from the prison- wall 
 to know that you have done your duty. Our first duty 
 is to our own necks; our second, to our country." 
 
 But the man was deaf to my exhortations. "Bless 
 your soul," he argued, "if I were to do as you O Lord ! 
 O Lord ! what shall I do? Hark, how they re banging 
 away at the gates !" 
 
 "Break open the doors set fire to the jail," thun 
 dered a thousand hoarse voices outside the prison- 
 walls. 
 
 These shouts were followed up by a terrific attack on 
 the gates. Hammers, brickbats, bludgeons, and huge 
 beams of wood were all at once pressed into the service 
 of the mob, who cheered each other s progress in the 
 work of destruction, which were as loudly replied to by 
 the prisoners. 
 
 In little more than half-an-hour from the commence 
 ment of the assault, the efforts of the rioters were 
 crowned with success. The huge brazen gates groaned s 
 yawned, and finally gave way beneath the rush of an 
 infuriated rabble, who poured like a cataract into the 
 jail, bearing down all before them.
 
 74 RELEASE FROM BON DAG F- 
 
 My apartment, being nearest the gates, was the first 
 they entered. The jailor made no opposition indeed, 
 from the first, he had stood stnpified, like one bereft of 
 all his faculties; but holding forth the keys, mechanic 
 ally as it were, thrust them into the hands of the fore 
 most rioter, who acknowledged the receipt by a blow 
 ivhich compelled poor Graves to salute his mother earth. 
 
 To rush out with the keys, unlock all the cells, and 
 then set fire to the jail, were the acts of almost one 
 and the same moment. I profited by the confusion, and, 
 forcing my way over heaps of drunken rioters who lay 
 sprawling in all directions, gained at length the ex 
 terior of the prison. 
 
 Here the first person that met my eyes was the sage 
 Justinian. 
 
 I hurried forward with Justinian towards the market 
 place. On our way thither, at the bend of a dingy, 
 narrow lane, we saw beneath the dim glimmer of a 
 lamp at the door of a small house, a forlorn, solitary 
 female figure, sitting with her head buried in her hands. 
 I cannot, unmoved, pass a woman in affliction. I halted, 
 accordingly, and, addressing a few kind words to tho 
 poor creature, inquired whether I could render her any 
 service; but she made me no other reply than a low 
 moan; when one of the neighbors came up, and in an 
 swer to my questions informed me that the mourner 
 was a widow, whose husband had been killed in the 
 forenoon at the riots, and that from the moment his 
 corpse had been brought into her house, she had per 
 sisted, despite the entreaties of her neighbors, in sitting 
 where we now saw her, like one bereft of reason. 
 
 This explanation shot a sudden pang to my heart, for 
 it brought to my mind my own wife whom I had almost 
 forgotten. 
 
 Just as I had passed the corner of the market-place, 
 I saw a carriage, the dashing panels of which I at once 
 recognized, and farther on, at a distance of about 
 a hundred yards, the plump figure of Alderman Snod- 
 grass, who had but just reached Humbug, and was busy
 
 THE TABLES TURNED. 75 
 
 receiving 1 information from, and giving directions to 
 some three or four tradesmen. He was as full of bustle 
 as ever, talking at the very top of his voice, and turn 
 ing every now and then a wrathful glance in the direc 
 tion of the prison. 
 
 Though aware of the hazard of accosting my perse 
 cutor, I could not resist the temptation. I^stepped for 
 ward, and, making him the pro foundest of bows, ad 
 dressed him: "I am most happy, Mr. Snodgrass, in 
 this opportunity of again meeting with a gentleman 
 whose generosity of spirit has, no doubt, taught him by 
 this time, to dome justice. I hope, sir, all the members 
 of your excellent family are well; and that the fair Miss 
 Maria it is my intention to pay my respects to th<s 
 young lady to-morrow, when I trust that my modesty 
 may not again prove a bar to my good fortune. You 
 look well, Mr. Snodgrass, whence I conclude that the 
 little unpleasantnesses are already forgotten " 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 THE TABLES TURNED. 
 
 During all this time, the alderman had stood like one 
 bewildered; but no sooner had I mentioned the word 
 "unpleasantness," than the blood rushed to his face, 
 and he gave vent to his astonishment and wrath in such 
 broken sentences as, "Well, I never! Gracious heavens, 
 is it possible ! Prodigious impudence ! But you shall 
 not escape me this time;" and, seizing me by the collar, 
 he endeavored to drag me back, when I freed myseH 
 from his grasp; while Justinian, who was but a few 
 dozen yards in advance, attracted by the scuffle, turned 
 back to offer me his aid. 
 
 His presence did not in the slightest degree daunt 
 Mr. Snodgrass, who swore he would not rest satisfied 
 till he had again seen me consigned over to justice,
 
 76 THE TABLES TURNED. 
 
 hurling, in his passion, epithets, such as " rogue, 
 swindler, vagabond," in my teeth; whereupon, seeing a 
 raw-looking constable a few yards ahead, I requested 
 Justinian to prevent the alderman s escape, and, running 
 up to the man, said, " Are you a stranger to Humbug: 1 " 
 
 " Yes, I I was only sworn in this morning." 
 
 " Well, then, follow me; I want you to take charge 
 of a suspicious character." 
 
 " This gentleman and myself have proof that he is 
 one of the incendiaries who set fire to the jail." 
 
 The constable instantly laid fast hold of Mr. Snod- 
 
 frass, who roared out, " Hold off, villain ! Do you 
 now who I am ?" 
 
 "Yes; you are one of the incendiaries." 
 
 "Rascal, I am Alderman Snodgrass." 
 
 "A loikely story !" said the constable, leering at me 
 with a knowing wink. 
 
 "Alderman Snodgrass!" said I, "how dare you use 
 the name of that much respected individual? Take him 
 uway, constable." 
 
 I had the satisfaction of seeing him safely walked off 
 to the watch-house. 
 
 For appearance s sake we followed the constable and 
 his prisoner for a few minutes; but soon gave them both 
 the slip, and, turning down a narrow arched passage, 
 were instantly lost to sight. 
 
 After threading a variety of lanes and alleys, we 
 reached a low, dingy brick building, with a square 
 courtyard before it, at the end of which a solitary lamp 
 was burning, Here, making a sudden halt, "My friend," 
 said the philosopher solemnly, do you see yon edifice?" 
 
 "Yes, what of it ? It looks like a lock-up house." 
 
 "A what!" replied Justinian, "a lock-up house ! Sir, 
 that building, is neither more nor less than the cele 
 brated Humbug Charity School ! 
 
 His meditations were here abruptly put an end to by 
 a cry of "Stop thief!" which was followed by a crowd 
 of boys and men, who came rushing in the direction 
 where we stood. This ominous interruption wrought
 
 THE TABLES TURNED. 11 
 
 ft talismanic effect on Justinian s nerves. His enthusi 
 asm was below /ero in an instant; in plain English, 
 he ran away. 
 
 In vain I conjured him to stop, assuring him that 
 there was no cause for apprehension. The more nimbly 
 I cried " Stop," the more nimbly he shot forward; while 
 I could with difficulty keep up with him. 
 
 Away he flew, up this street, down that, and when 
 ever he showed symptoms of flagging I kept him at 
 full speed by maliciously crying out, " On, on ! they re 
 just behind us." Having at length cleared the town, 
 he stopped an instant to draw breath, when, suddenly 
 looking behind me, I again exclaimed, with affected 
 dismay, that the constables were close at our heels. 
 
 "Oh, mercy!" cried the philosopher, perspiring like 
 an alderman in the dog-days; "it s all over with me, so 
 I may as well die here." 
 
 "Nonsense, man ! I tell you we must run." 
 
 " Run ! Ah ! it s all very well for you to talk of 
 running, but for me, with this weight of However, I 
 suppose there s no help for it;" and he made one more 
 desperate effort, when, having reached the high-road, 
 he shot across it, and thence head-foremost, through a 
 quick-set hedge, into some secluded meadows, leaving 
 Humbug a few hundred yards behind. 
 
 Here, halting to wipe the perspiration from his fore 
 head, he was beginning to pour forth his plaintive lamen 
 tations, when he said " My friend, pardon the sud 
 denness of my resolution, but I must here bid you 
 farewell. Fain would I proceed, but a certain twitch 
 ing in the calves of my legs to say nothing of my ribs, 
 -warns me that I must either sink with fatigue, or 
 make the best of my way to Humbug. Will you ac 
 company me ?" 
 
 "Never ! the alternative is too hazardous." 
 
 " Oh, as to that, so far as I am concerned, I feel con 
 vinced that my disguise will afford me quite sufficient 
 protection, while you 
 
 Tis of no use talking, Stubbs; my resolve is taken."
 
 78 THE TABLES TURNED. 
 
 " And whither does your destiny lead you ?" 
 
 "I know not. Possibly to South Wales, which it 
 easiest of access from this neighborhood, where I shall 
 remain secluded till my late adventures are forgotten." 
 
 "Arcadian simplicity! The idea is not amiss in theory, 
 but defective, I fear, in 
 
 " Practice. Possibly so; but, to say the truth, I am 
 sick to death of all literary turmoil; I now intend to 
 become a mere passive spectator of other men s doings. * 
 
 "Farewell, then," said Justinian, grasping me fer 
 vently by th^ hand; "not a moment is to be lost; so 
 farewell, my friend, for ever 1 A few days since, and I 
 could have borne our parting with indifference; but 
 now forgive the starting tear I feel the man triumph 
 over the philosopher;" and he applied a handkerchief 
 to his eyes. 
 
 I was not a little astonished at this pathetic exhibi 
 tion; but before I had time to recover myself, Justinian, 
 who had marked my emotion, continued 
 
 "I see my sensibilit^y surprises you, and no wonder, 
 for I am not apt to be thus overcome; but the truth is, 
 my young friend, from the very first moment we met, 
 there was a certain something about you that irresisti 
 bly won my affection !" 
 
 " I thought I could sympathize only with tho many. 
 Alas! I feel I have a tear for the one." The phil 
 osopher, after again bidding me farewell, and straining 
 me to his breast, in what he called " a long and last em 
 brace," hurried back as fast as his legs would carry him 
 to Humbug. 
 
 No sooner was he out of sight than, a strange pre 
 sentiment flashing across my min 1, I plunged my hand 
 into my coat-pocket, and found that this accomplished 
 rascal, while busy hugging me in his arms, had actually 
 found means to elope with my pocket-book ! I have 
 detested the word " philosophy " ever since. 
 
 It was on a warm, mellow summer evening, that a 
 stranger, manifestly young, intelligent, and perhaps 
 handsome, but with his expressive features sicklied ever
 
 MY CRAVING APPETITE. 7?J 
 
 with melancholy, stood alone, with folded arms and 
 downcast eyes, on the highest summit of Llynn-y-van. 
 That interesting stranger was myself! Disgusted with 
 England, I had no sooner quitted Humbug than chance, 
 led my steps in the direction of South Wales. 
 
 As I stood among the lofty peaks, I exclaimed aloud, 
 "Yes, here indeed is a Paradise in which even I may 
 find repose! Here, will I set up my tent, and enjoy 
 the sweet solace of life. Hope, thy visions have faded! 
 Ambition, thy dream is at an end! On the summit of 
 this wind-swept orag, in this saddening twilight, I bid 
 ye both farewell! Lo! I shake the dust of England 
 from ofT my feet. Within this secluded valley I shall 
 find gentle hearts and unsophisticated heads; the busy 
 slanders of the great world cannot pierce these moun 
 tain ramparts. Here, then, I may be free from perse 
 cution and detection. Hark! the bells from yonder 
 village warn me onward. See, even while I speak, day 
 drops behind the groves." 
 
 From this high-flown soliloquy, the reader will per 
 ceive that I can accommodate myself to circumstances. 
 I can conform to the peculiarities of every position into 
 which circumstances may throw me. No mode of life, 
 no turn of thought, comes amiss. With the satirist, I 
 can sneer; with the good-natured, I can laugh; with the 
 mournful, I can sigh. I was to adapt myself to new 
 society, and lo! I felt already prepared for the change. 
 Strange, that a man so shy and bashful should possess 
 such qualifications. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 MY CRAVING APPETITE. 
 
 On I went, right down the mountain-side, till I found 
 a countryman squatted on a hillock, and tying together 
 a broken lash, with which he held a goat.
 
 80 MY CRAVING APPETITE. 
 
 Had this encounter, at such an hour, occurred in a 
 more < ivilized country, I should have been robbed, mur 
 dered, and buried in a ditch, to be dug- up again a fort 
 night at tor in a state of perplexing decomposition. 
 
 The man replied to my inquiries by informing me 
 that Llandwarrys (the name of the nearest village) 
 was at least three miles off; but this news, did not dis 
 concert me; so I pushed forward again, amusing myself, 
 with framing shapes out of the shadows that twilight 
 flung upon the earth. One in particular, thrown by a 
 short, squat blackthorn across my path, struck me as 
 bearing a flattering likeness to old Snodgrass. 
 
 But fancy ill accords with an empty stomach. I have 
 yet to discover what mental specific can take the edge 
 off a craving appetite. Hunger is not to be argued 
 into submission. It is stubborn, it knows its rights and 
 will maintain them. 
 
 At length, after incredible toil, I was lucky enough 
 to stumble against a cottage-garden which jutted out 
 beside the cross-road. Availing myself of my good 
 fortune, I knocked at the half-open door, and com 
 menced putting questions touching the distance to 
 Llandwarrys, and the possibility of reaching it in time 
 to obtain accommodation for the night. 
 
 I found that I was still three miles off, even taking 
 the nearest road, which was difficult to find in the dark; 
 I had better, therefore, wait till the moon-rise, when I 
 should be able to find my way. After an hour s halt I had 
 the satisfaction of seeing the first beams of the rising 
 .noon glimmer in at the lattice. 
 
 "\o\v," said mine host, you may proceed with 
 safety; but as the first part of your road may perhaps 
 give you some little trouble, I will accompany you as 
 far as Llyn-ym-dwarrys, w r hen you will be within a 
 mile of the town, and can no longer make a miss of 
 your way." He then proceeded to put on a pair of 
 thick wooden clogs, and whistling to his dog, which 
 came bounding over the garden-fence at the well-known 
 summons, led the way down the cross-road.
 
 MY CRAVING APPETITE. 81 
 
 It was a fine starlight night, with a brisk wind that 
 kept hurrying- the clouds in rapid succession across the 
 moon s disk, and chequering the landscape with spec 
 tral varieties of light and shade. Now and then the 
 breeze came in sharp, shrill gusts, that whirled the 
 dead leaves by hundreds across our path, and brought 
 to our ears the hooting of the owl or the trickling of 
 many a shy streamlet. 
 
 We had held on our course for some two miles or 
 more, and I was beginning anxiously to speculate on the 
 chancc-s of a speedy termination to it, when, 0:1 round 
 ing the brow of a low hill, we at length came in sight 
 of Llyn-ym-d\varrys. 
 
 My companion here made a halt. "Yonder is the 
 town," said he; "you have now only to keep straight 
 ahead till you reach the Red Lion. Good night, sir. 
 Rhys," continued he, whistling to his dog, "we must 
 be quick back, or the old woman will think we re going 
 to make a night of it. 
 
 The lights were still twinkling in the houses of 
 Lland-warrys as I passed the churchyard. Jn a few 
 minutes more I had entered the town, and was safely 
 housed in the snug sanded front parlor of the Rel Lion. 
 What luxury was mine at this moment! I contend there 
 is no enjoyment equal to that which a jaded traveler 
 experiences when, his day s travel at an end, he ex 
 changes two tight boots for a spacious pair of slippers. 
 
 I had now been nearly a month resident at Lland- 
 warrys, and the pittance I had been able to preserve 
 from the wreck of my fortune at Humbug indepen 
 dently of that portion with which the philosophic 
 otubbs had eloped was fast dwindling away. Domes 
 tics, whom, 1 had imagined void of guile, materially 
 assisted the diminution of my funds. Nothing escaped 
 their clutches. 
 
 But this was far from constituting my sole grievance. 
 As autumn drew on, the cottage, which, under the in 
 fluence of sunshine and dry weather, I had fancied so 
 attractive, became not only damp, but positively
 
 82 MY C HAVING APPETITE. 
 
 untenable. The walls and ceilings began to thaw, while 
 that domestic insect which Sir J. Banks once endeav 
 ored to boil into a lobster took possession of every 
 nook and cranny in my bed-chamber. To wind up the 
 sum of my annoyances, a flood one night came down 
 from the mountains, burst open my pantry-door, and 
 committed a burglary on all that my servants had left 
 untouched. 
 
 When I arose the next morning, the valley was one 
 broad shoet of water. The Towy roared and chafed 
 like an angry sea;, and I just reached my ground-floor 
 in time to see two boiled fowls swim off in hasty pur 
 suit of a cold turkey; and a fillet of veal "clear out" 
 from the lower pantry-shelf, for a voyage down the 
 Towy to Llandilo. 
 
 I should observe, in addition to these vexations, that 
 my pursuits answered the purpose neither cf amuse 
 ment nor utility. My horticultural experiments just 
 sufficed to convince me that a man must have genius 
 to superintend the education of fruits and vegetables; 
 when, "with fishing rod in hand, I took a saunter along 
 the banks of the Towy, I was constantly hooking the 
 calf of my leg, jerking my hat into the water, or pulling 
 up a huge weed in mistake for a salmon. The fish, I 
 often thought, entertained a very mean opinion of my 
 abilities. 
 
 On specifying these grievances to the apothecary, he 
 consoled me by the assurance that they were mere mat 
 ters of course, to which a few months endurance would 
 not fail to reconcile me. I refused to be comforted; 
 ind, by w\ay of effectual safeguard, I proposed to the 
 apothecary, for the future, to take up my abode with 
 him. 
 
 For the better enforcement of this abrupt proposition, 
 I pointed out the various services I might be the means 
 of rendering him. I stated that medicine had been my 
 fovorite study ever since the period when I first com 
 menced it, under the auspices of a celebrated physician; 
 that I was conversant with the infirmities of poor, weak,
 
 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER. 83 
 
 shivering humanity though I did not for a moment 
 presume to compete with him in medical ability; and 
 that, such being the case, I considered it almost a mat 
 ter of course that a mutual connection would turn out 
 profitable to both of us. I concluded with the payment 
 of my rent. 
 
 The apothecary partook, in some degree, of my emo 
 tion In common with the rest of the world that is to 
 say, of that illustrious and influential portion of it 
 which constituted the club at the Ked Lion he hel.l 
 my talents in exceeding respect; and was prepared to 
 augur well of my success in business, from having 1 so 
 recently witnessed the skill with which I had converted 
 into friends and admirers those who had at first re 
 ceived me as an alien and an intruder. 
 
 Still, he had his doubts of the propriety of my 
 partnership project. I was young I was a stranger 
 I was inexperienced. Granted; but I was industrious, 
 persevering; at home in the theory, if not quite so 
 much so in the practice, of medicine; and was, besides, 
 in possession of a recipe (imparted to me by the famous 
 Dr. Killquick,) which had effected the most miraculous 
 cures. 
 
 I saw that the apothecary was staggered by my 
 reasoning, so followed up blow after blow with all the 
 zeal I could muster, for I felt that everything depended 
 on perseverance; and after a week of doubts and 
 dcmurrings on his part, I had the satisfaction of 
 finding my efforts crowned with success. Drop by 
 drop, water will in time wear out the toughest rock. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOAVED SISTER. 
 
 About this time another change took place in or-. 
 domestic condition. I allude to my marriage with tbw
 
 84 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER. 
 
 apothecary s widowed sister a catastrophe which too* 
 place after a month s acquaintance with the lady, on 
 an erroneous supposition that she was worth money. 
 
 And here, it may be possibly urged that I was guilty 
 of a grievous backsliding, inasmuch as my first wife 
 was most probably still alive. I plead guilty to the 
 charge; but may state, in extenuation that such was 
 the havoc which repeated disappointments had wrought 
 on my memory, that not till the ceremony was con 
 cluded did it occur to me that I had committed bigamy. 
 When, however, the dreadful conviction flashed on my 
 mind, the shock it occasioned was inconceivable! 
 
 I should be trifling with the credulity of 1113 readers, 
 and militating against the sacred interests of truth 
 Avere I to assert that my second wife realized all that 
 a romantic fancy could conjure up of loveliness and 
 sensibility. She was neither a Helen nor a Juliet; and 
 when displeased with . what she called my extrava 
 gance, was fond of instituting comparisons between 
 me and her first husband, which made me notwith 
 standing my general forbearance more than once 
 express a wish that he and I could change places. 
 
 It was some weeks, however, before her peculiarities 
 fully developed themselves. For the first fortnight or 
 so, she was all smiles and civility; for her brother s 
 business, from the time I took a share in it, and began 
 to bestir myself, exhibited such a satisfactory increase 
 as to enable us to indulge in the luxury of an assistant, 
 and even give occasional dinners to friends at the 
 Red Lion. 
 
 It was just about the close of the honeymoon that, 
 after trying a variety of Dr. Killquick s recipes with 
 but indifferent success, I hit upon one of which, from 
 having once tasted it, I retained a very vived recollec 
 tion. I had observed that the lower classes were in 
 ordinately fond of stimulants, so persuaded myself 
 that I had but to hit this prevalent fancy to bring my 
 self into repute among them. 
 
 The recipe in question possessed all the requisite
 
 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER, 85 
 
 ingredients for notoriety; so much so, that, when I 
 explained its character to Mr. Davis, that unsophis 
 ticated apothecary opened his mouth wider than ever 
 it the idea of such an experiment being tried on 
 Christian bowels. 
 
 Why, you must be joking, surely!" said he; "the 
 dose you speak of would kill a crocodile!" 
 
 "So, for Heaven s sake, think better of it." 
 
 Put I was deaf to all his expostulations. I was con- 
 Tinced, I replied, that the experiment would succeed; 
 and justified myself for making trial of it." 
 
 The "Infallible Resuscitating Elixir," as I styled 
 my new specific, was a medicine composed, in nearly 
 equal quantities, of bark, brickdust, gin, and gun 
 powder, boiled over a slow fire, and flavored with 
 Scotch snuff! Its success at first was equivocal; but 
 when its virtues had been duly insisted upon in all the 
 public journals, it brought a world of patients of the 
 lower orders to my shop; and I had the tact to confine 
 it exclusively to them (well knowing that your civilized 
 stomach is apt to be fastidious), just as if it were 
 the balsam of Fairy Bias, whose singular property it 
 was to kill one-half of the community while it cured 
 the other. 
 
 The neighboring small farmers and their serving- 
 men were among the first to honor my elixir with their 
 patronage. The bark was so bracing, the brickdust so 
 cleansing, the gunpowder so stimulating, the gin so 
 palatable, that, no matter what the disorder might be- 
 one ingredient or the other was sure to suit. If the 
 bark failed, there was still a chance for the brickdust; 
 while the gin, acting in spirited accordance with the 
 gunpowder, produced an internal commotion, which, 
 in cases where the gastric juice was languid, wonder 
 fully facilitated digestion. 
 
 One of my patients took a hearty draught every day, 
 and always, as he said, felt the better for it, though "a 
 little sickish at first," he grew gradually worse. The 
 gunpowder, I rather suspect, disagreed with him; for
 
 86 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER. 
 
 he went off one night like a shot, after having taken 
 it twice during the night in currant-jelly. 
 
 1 did not quit this worthy man s bedside until the 
 last, when, with a doleful heart I made the best of my 
 way home. 
 
 It was a dark, moonless night, and my road lay close 
 to the churchyard. AY hen I neared the old Avail that 
 bound in the last resting places of the dead, I heard 
 the wind moan and sigh through the trees, my pace in 
 stinctively quickened, my heart beat quick and loud, 
 and a nervous apprehension of something horrible flit 
 ted across my mind. Involuntarily I thought of my 
 patients, one or two of whose graves lay close under 
 neath the wall which I had yet "to pass. "If they could 
 rise, from the earth wherein they lie full six feet deep 
 if they could rear up their shadowy forms across my 
 path, what, in the name of Heaven, should I do or say? 
 How convince such skeptics that their exit from lire was 
 the work of fate, not of mortal agency? Disembodied 
 spirits, I have heard, are Hah! whose are those eyes 
 glaring full on me from between the chinks of yon 
 tombstone: Methinks,! should know that threatening 
 countenance! Hark! is that a voice? Fool, tis but the 
 wind!" and I rushed homeward with the speed of an 
 antelope. 
 
 I found my wife up and waiting to let me in, with 
 her brow clouded, her eye full of tempest, and her tem 
 per in a high state of fermentation. 
 
 "So, sir, this is a pretty time for a married man to 
 be out! I dare say you will tell me you ve been attend 
 ing one of your patients. But I know better; there s 
 my brother has been in bed these two hours." 
 
 Without vouchsafing any answer, I strode past my 
 wife into the parlor. At a small table., was placed 
 my supper. 
 
 I glanced at the repast with an expression of disgust. 
 My wife understood the hint, and exclaimed peevishly, 
 "You need not turn up your nose so, Mr. Fitzmaurice" 
 was the alias I had assumed, "the supper is
 
 MY REFI ECTIONS AND SUPPER. 87 
 
 quite as good as you have a right to expect at this hour 
 But it s no use talking " 
 
 "None in the least." 
 
 The more I do the less thanks 1 get. Good nature 
 is always sure to be imposed upon. Ah! times are sadly 
 altered since poor dear Mr. Evans " 
 
 "Hang Mr. Evans!" 
 
 My wife took no notice of this repartee, but con 
 tinued, "I ll tell you what it is, Mr. Fitzmaurice, I ve 
 just been looking over our last month s bills, and have 
 come to the resolution of keeping no more dinner 
 
 "Fray, go to bed, my dear; this is no time for dis 
 cussing such matters." 
 
 "Aye, that s always the way you put me off; nothing 
 I say or do is done at the proper time." 
 
 "Well, well, we ll talk of these things to-morrow. 
 At present, I have some medicine to make up; so light 
 two fresh candles and leave me." 
 
 "Two fresh candles, Mr. Fitzmaurice! where am I to 
 get them at this late hour?" 
 
 "What, are there none in the house?" 
 
 "Only one 
 
 "That must do then; so fetch it quickly, and go to 
 bed. I m sure your delicate constitution must suffer by 
 sitting up so late." 
 
 Sullenly, and with many an ominous shake of the 
 head, my wife drew forth a candle and, having lit and 
 placed it on the table, admonished me to be sure to put 
 it out when 1 had done with it, and quitted the room 
 
 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. 
 
 Left to my own reflections, I sat wistfully down 
 for, to eat, and digest my supper was wholly out of the 
 question and busied myself in contrasting my present
 
 88 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. 
 
 with my past situation. I called to mind the ambitious 
 dreams that beset me on my first commencing my theat 
 rical career: on the hopes which buoyed me up on my road 
 to London; and more especially on my connection with 
 the Snodgrasses, which I had once thought would fairly 
 set me on the high road to fortune. All these had now 
 passed away, and here I was, the child of mystery and 
 misfortune an alias and alien, rooted in an obscure, 
 semi-barbarous village; unable to venture forth again 
 into the world; and raised from utter penury only by my 
 marriage with a skinflint, and my chance profits as an 
 apothecary in the healthiest situation in all Wales. 
 
 The solemn silence of the hour the spectral gloom 
 of the apartment, lit only by a miserable candle, 
 which threw its flickering "darkness visible" on walls 
 naked as unfigleafed Adam, and old-fashioned mahog 
 any chairs with elbows as high as the cheek-bones of a 
 Scotchman the excitement produced by the sudden 
 death of my patient, the thrilling recollection of the 
 churchyard, all these associations deepened my despon 
 dency, till, worn out with exhaustion, I sunk fast 
 asleep in my arm-chair. 
 
 But, alas! even slumber itself failed to bring relief. I 
 dreamed that I was seated in my shop, gazing upwards 
 at the shelf where stood, ranged in due order, a row of 
 elixir bottles, when whiz! out flew the corks, and out 
 too, from each bottle popped the head of a defunct pa 
 tient! I was astonished at their numbers; but surprise 
 was soon lost in horror, for, just as I was attempting 
 an escape, the goblins leaped with a bound on the floor, 
 pulled me back by the coat-skirts, caught hold of me, 
 this one by the legs, and that by the arms, I implored 
 pity, but in vain the phantoms were inexorable; when, 
 suddenly, the ghost of the exciseman I knew him by 
 his nose! starting up from the inside of a pill-box, 
 forced open my reluctant jaws; drenched me with my 
 own elixir; and then, caught up a pestle, and kept 
 pounding and pounding away at my ribs, till in the 
 a irony ort my struggles I awoke to find my wife
 
 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. 89 
 
 stooping down beside me to pick up the nightcap which 
 J had dislodged from her head. 
 
 "Gracious heavens! Mr. Fitemaurice, are you mad? 
 or are you going to murder me by way of gratitude for 
 my affection? Why, it is now near daybreak, Fitz! 
 Fitz! your extravagance is past all bearing!" 
 
 Too much depressed to reply, I rose from my seat and 
 hurried up-stairs to bed. 
 
 A Mr. Gryffyths, a squire of ancient descent, who re 
 sided within a mile or so of the town, before the week s 
 end, had a case of the rheumatic-gout that chained him 
 fast down by both legs to his arm-chair. 
 
 In this predicament, the good squire bethought him 
 self of his usual medical adviser, Mr. Davis; but, as my 
 brother happened to be from home when the summons 
 for his immediate attendance at Gryffyths arrived, I 
 caught at such a favorable opportunity of making my 
 self known to the elite of the district, and volunteered to 
 go in his stead. 
 
 As my road lay by the Rupee House, I called in just 
 to pay a passing visit, I found him airing a damp news 
 paper by a fire that might have roasted an ox. 
 
 As usual, he was in great affliction. "I have been 
 reading Buchan s Domestic Medicine, " he began, 
 u since I last saw you ; and, strange to say, there is 
 scarcely a single disorder mentioned in it that I have 
 not got some symptoms of. Very hard, but nothing 
 seems to do me good. Thickskull was here yesterday, 
 and advised me to try the blue-pill. He begins now to 3 
 think that the seat of my complaint is the liver, and 
 that the affection at the chest is merely a secondary 
 symptom. Well, well, be this as it may, I can assure 
 you, Mr. Fitzmaurice, I ve long since shaken hands 
 with the world, and shall be far trom sorry to bid it 
 good-night. I made the very same remark to Caustic, 
 when he was pestering me about making a will. It s 
 very odd, how persevering that man is ! I once acci 
 dentally let drop some intention of the sort, he has 
 never let me have a moment s peace since. I wonder
 
 90 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. 
 
 he can like to talk on such a subject; but he is such an 
 egotist !" 
 
 The old hypochondriac was running on in this dismal 
 fashion, when his attention, most opportunely for me, 
 was called off by the yelping of his dog Venus, the only 
 creature on earth in which he ever seemed to take the 
 slightest interest. On hastening to the door to see who 
 or what it was that was thus wounding the sensibilities 
 of his pet, he discovered that the offender was no less 
 a personage than Roger his " treasure " Roger ! who, 
 having forced the cur up into a corner in the passage, 
 was belaboring it with a bamboo-cane, and cursing it 
 between whiles with an energy that might have created 
 a sensation at Portsmouth. 
 
 The nabob seemed quite thunderstruck at this unac 
 countable behavior of his "treasure." "I am astonished, 
 Roger," he said, "at your conduct! What do you 
 mean by your cruelty to that harmless animal r" 
 
 " What do I mean ?" replied the fellow, who chanced 
 to be in one of those surly humors with which men 
 with only half a liver are apt to be visited; " why, I 
 mean to thrash her that s what I mean. She s almost 
 bit my thumb off," and forgetting, in the rage of the 
 moment, his usual respect for his master, he aimed an 
 other blow at the animal, which, instead of reaching 
 her, took an oblique direction, and alighted upon Mr. 
 Rupee s shin-bone. 
 
 The unexpected impudence of this reply, and still 
 more the assault by which it was accompanied, set the 
 nabob trembling from head to foot. I never saw him 
 in such a state of excitement. He turned white; he 
 turned red; he turned yellow; he absolutely foamed 
 with rage; and at length, with incredible difficulty, 
 while he kept standing on one leg, like a stork, and 
 giving sharp jerks with the other, by way of easing the 
 pain, he stammered out, " Quit my service instantly, 
 sir. D ye hear ? Quit it this instant!" 
 
 Roger, whose blood was quite as much up as his 
 master s, was about making another saucy "answer,
 
 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPEB. 91 
 
 which would infallibly have ended in his beuag knocked 
 down either by himself or the nabob, when 1 stopped 
 him by placing my hands on his shoulders, and driv 
 ing him before me to the back door; after which, hav 
 ing seen him fairly ejectedfrom the premises, I returned 
 into the parlor, where I found Mr. Rupee taking quick, 
 frenzied strides up and down the room, like a man who 
 has just read his banker s name in the list of failures. 
 
 For a few minutes, indignation was the one predomi 
 nant feeling in his mind; but when I had prevailed on 
 him to resume his seat, to my inconceivablesurpri.se, he 
 burst into a violent fit of laughter. "Well," said he, 
 " this is, without exception, the most ridiculous piece 
 of business I ever was engaged in. I could not have 
 believed it possible that anything would have power 
 to rouse me so. It has actually made me feel quite 
 strong again." 
 
 " And no wonder," said I; "depend on it, there is 
 nothing like a good honest passion to brace the nerves, 
 and set the blood in motion. Whenever we are low- 
 spirited, we make a point of pitching into our next 
 neighbor, and it is astonishing the good it does noth 
 parties. Bravo ! I protest you look quite hearty. * 
 
 " Hearty !" replied he, rubbing his hands with ecsi asy; 
 " why, sir, I m full twenty years younger. Haven t 1 
 a fine color in my face i* 1 feel strong enough to do 
 any thing. I ll get up by clay -light to-morrow, and go 
 fox-hunting ! I ll poke the fire out, and sit without 
 one! I ll toss my physic out of the window, ana 
 
 " For God s sake, Mr. Rupee, don t do anything so 
 rash. It may be your death. No doubt your late ex 
 citement has done you good; but the relapse, sir, that 
 is what we have most to dread in a case of this sort. If 
 you will be advised by me, you will double your usual 
 close to-night, and early in the morning I will send up 
 a few tonics, which, with one or two composing 
 draughts, a box of pills, and a mild blister, will set you 
 all to rights. Physic, Mr. Rupee, physic, sir aflei ail, 
 there is nothing like physic."
 
 I PHYSIC A PATIENT. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 I PHYSIO A PATIENT. 
 
 At this moment the door gently openeil, and in walked 
 :he penitent Roger, who, halting a few paces off the 
 table, where his master was seated, was commencing a 
 most submissive and elaborate apology for what he 
 called his "little indiscretion," when the nabob cut 
 him short with, " Go your ways, Roger, go your ways, 
 and think no more about it. If you were hasty, so was 
 I;" and then turning tome, he added, "As you were 
 saying, Mr. Fitzmaurice, we must take care to guard 
 against a relapse; but surely you have no apprehen 
 sions on this score r" 
 
 Oh, dear, no, sir! A little physic, judiciously ap 
 plied, will prevent anything ot the sort, particularly as 
 you re just now in such a fine train for recovery." 
 
 "That is, if 1 don t fall back," replied the nabob, 
 whose ecstasies were by this time beginning to get u. 
 little moderated. 
 
 "And if you should," said I, with a waggish and 
 most unprofessional smile, which, however, I could not 
 for the life of me resist, " you have your remedy in your 
 own hands." 
 
 "And what is that?" 
 
 " Thrash Roger !" and so saying, I made a precipi 
 tate retreat, and hurried on to Gryffyths. 
 
 My time was now, for the first time since my en 
 trance into South Wales, beginning to pass very much 
 to my satisfaction. I was here, there, and everywhere; 
 now sentimentalizing, now waxing convivial with the 
 squire, and now discussing local politics with Caustic 
 and my brother-in-law at the hotel. I must confess I 
 should have preferred a more enlarged sphere of ac 
 tion; but this being just now wholly out of the
 
 I PHYSIC A PATIENT. 93 
 
 question, I had nothing left for it but to make the most 
 of my situation. 
 
 But prosperity, like adversity, is not without its 
 drawbacks. If it was fortunate for me in one sense 
 that I extended my connections among the more 
 respectable circles, in another it was far otherwise; for 
 it called forth the jealousy of the narrow-minded co 
 terie at the lied Lion, who could not understand upon 
 what principle of justice or common-sense it was that I 
 was more looked up to than themselves. JM .ich of my 
 luck was attributed, as a matter of course, to my pro 
 fession; still the club, with the exceptions of Caustic 
 and Mr. Davis, could not, or would not, be brought to 
 acknowledge that a man who but the other day came 
 among them as an adventurer, with scarce a penny in 
 his pocket, had now any right to affect the superior. 
 
 For some few weeks, however, thei r feel i ngs were con 
 fined to sneering insinuations and significant shrugs of 
 the shoulders, whenever my name happened to be men 
 tioned; but by decrees they assumed a more offensive 
 character. First it was hinted that I gave myself un 
 warrantable airs; and secondly, that there was some 
 thing mysterious about me; whereupon the gossips 
 would revert to my first appearance, withoutany osten 
 sible motive, among them, and hope that all would be 
 right "this time next year." 
 
 Unfortunately, so far from endeavoring to soften this 
 hostile disposition, I only increased its acerbity by my 
 show of utter indifference an act of suicidal folly 
 which was very soon brought home to me in a way 
 that T could never have anticipated. 
 
 It happened, one day when I dined with Mr. Gryfi- 
 yths, he was so delighted with my queer, broad stories 
 that, in the exuberance of his satisfaction, he promised 
 that when Lord Dwarrys returned he would take an 
 opportunity of introducing me to him. This was the 
 very thing I most coveted, for I knew that, if I could but 
 once gain such an influential patron, there was nothing 
 A> the way of professional advancement that 1 might
 
 94 I PHYSIC A PATIENT. 
 
 not calculate on during my stay in South Wales; so 
 hurrying home in high glee, I just stopped to commu 
 nicate the news to my wife, and then stepped over thf 
 way to the Red Lion. 
 
 Never was I in better condition never fuller of anec 
 dote and vivacity than on this disastrous evening. Not 
 a remark was thrown off as Mr. Gryffyths would say 
 but I followed in full cry at its heels with some oppo 
 site pun or joke; and this with so little effort, and such 
 invincible good-nature, that, despite their late preju 
 dices, the coterie again began to look on me, if not 
 with positive good-will, at least with something not 
 very fur removed from it. 
 
 But one among the assembled party ominous unit! 
 was silent amid the general mirth. Where others 
 affected the conciliatory, he merely sneered, at the same 
 time keeping his eyes fixed on mine with a marked per 
 tinacity that attracted the attention of the whole room, 
 and at length so annoyed me that, thrown off my 
 guard, I said, cavalierly : "Are my face and figure to 
 your liking, sir?" 
 
 "Less, perhaps, than you may suppose," replied the 
 fello\v, "for I have seen both before, and that not very 
 long since, under circumstances which " 
 
 "Circumstances !" exclaimed one and all in a breath; 
 "what circumstances:" 
 
 "Oh, no matter. Mr. Fitz What-d ye-call- em" 
 (with a sneer), "I dare say, will understand me." 
 
 My nerves misgave me at this trying moment, and I 
 began to run over in my mind what the fellow could 
 possibly allude to. Had he known me as an actor, or 
 as an editor; 1 Had he been engaged with me in the 
 scenes at Humbug ? Had he been an eye-witness of 
 my flight from prison? Impossible! for surely I should 
 have recollected him. Still, despite this conviction, I 
 felt far from comfortable, and w r ould gladly have beaten 
 a retreat; but for the life of me, I could not summon 
 up a plausible excuse, so there I sat, nailed to my 
 chair, while not less than a dozen pair of eyes, opened
 
 I PHYSIC A PATIENT. 95 
 
 to their widest extent, kept glaring- on me like so 
 many burning-glasses; 
 
 The suspicions of the company being once roused, 
 they insisted on following up the conversation, not 
 withstanding I made repeated attempts to divert it; 
 till, driven to desperation, like a stag at bay, I fixed r 
 menacing look on the stranger, and said : "Who o> 
 what you may be, sir, that thus claim an acquaint 
 ince 
 
 "Acquaintance, sir? God forbid !" 
 
 "Why, what is the meaning of all this?" said Caus 
 tic, peevishly; "if you have anything to say against 
 Fitzmaurice, sir, out with it. No friend of mine shall 
 have his character sneered away in this manner. Fair 
 play s a jewel; so on with your story, man, and be 
 
 "Aye, on with it!" cried out a dozen voices at once. 
 
 I was so much struck with Caustic s generous blunt- 
 ness, that for a few minutes I was wholly unable to say 
 a word; at length, deriving confidence from the reflec 
 tion that I had at least one friend in the room, I re 
 sumed my address to the stranger as follows: "Who, 
 or what you may be, sir, that thus affect a recol 
 lection of me, I know not; I have mixed much with the 
 world in my time, especially in the metropolis; and mj 
 friend, the auctioneer here, who has done the same 
 knows well that under such circumstances amanmeeU 
 with strange acquaintances. JN T o offense to you, sir." 
 
 I threw out this flattering insinuation for the pu? 
 pose of conciliating the auctioneer, who, however, tool 
 no notice of it further than by a surly "Humph!" 01 
 which I continued my address : "It is not unlikely 
 dherefore, sir, that I may have met with you before 
 but most assuredly, wherever it was that this encounte 
 took place, there can be no circumstances attending 
 it which I should wish to forge t." 
 
 The stranger was stung with the determined cool 
 ness of my manner, which was not without its effect 01 
 the company, and, being moreover somewhat touches 
 by frequent libations of brandy and water, he replied
 
 EXPOSURE. 
 
 "Since you say that you have no wish to forget the 
 circumstances under which I last met you 5 I can have 
 no hesitation in publicly bringing them to your recol 
 lection. But first of all, I should tell you that I am 
 traveler for the firm of Hoax & Co., wholesale drug 
 gists, in Humbug." 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 EXPOSURE. 
 
 The club pricked up their ears at this exordium. 
 The attorney was particularly attentive, and no sooner 
 hoard the word "Humbug" mentioned, than he stole 
 quietly out of the room a movement which filled me 
 with dismay. 
 
 "Humbug! Humbug!" said I; "true, I passed through 
 it some months since on my road to South Wales; and, 
 now, I think of it, I do remember having had the good 
 fortune to spend an evening with you. I am glad 
 you bring the matter to my recollection. Your health 
 I hope you left your family well at home?" 
 
 I could see that the company were disappointed at 
 this simple solution of what had appeared to them a 
 most important mystery; the auctioneer especially 
 muttered halt-audibly between his teeth : "Pshaw ! is 
 that all?" But, together with the others, he was soon 
 relieved from his disappointment by the stranger re 
 plying : "You re mistaken, sir; I have no family, nor 
 am I married !" 
 
 "Bless me, how forgetful I am ! I recollect, you told 
 me you were a bachelor, and amused me uncommonly, 
 too, by your quizzical allusions to the married state. 
 What a capital joke that was of yours about the fat 
 widow of Clifton !" I added; for necessity is the mother 
 of invention, and I felt the importance of putting the 
 fellow into good humor.
 
 EXPOSURE. y? 
 
 The man stared at me as if I had been a ghost. 
 
 "Fat widow! Clifton! Sir, I never spent an evening 
 with you. never told you a story about a fat widow. 
 I never joked with you about the married state. I arn 
 a plain, blunt man of business, and detest joking. I 
 never cracked a joke in all my life, and never meant it." 
 
 " Well, my good sir, I might have known from your 
 face you were no joker." 
 
 "And from yours I might have known, what I ll take 
 care the company shall know, too, that you are a 
 swindler. There, sir, what do you think of that for a 
 joke?" 
 
 My face burned like scarlet at this insult. "Sir," I 
 replied, "you are a scoundrel, but your condition pro 
 tects you. It is clear to me that you are drunk. I 
 might have told you so before, but a false delicacy pre 
 vented me." 
 
 "And no false delicacy shall prevent my exposing 
 you as you deserve." The fellow then, with the most 
 tedious circumlocution, went through the history of 
 my connection with Alderman Snodgrass; of my con 
 duct during the election, where he first saw me on the 
 hustings; of the proceedings that had been instituted 
 against me, in consequence of my "deliberate frauds on 
 one who had proved himself my best friend;" of my 
 arrest, imprisonment, flight in a word, of the whole 
 of my political career during my residence in that most 
 villainous of all towns. 
 
 "But his name:" inquired the attorney, who had re- 
 entered the room while the man was in the midst of his 
 statement; "you have forgotten to tell us that." 
 
 "His name is O Blarney; though, it seems, he now 
 calls himself Fitzmavricc." 
 
 "So I thought," replied the man of law, "and" wink 
 ing sagaciously at the company "I have had my sus 
 picions a long time on the subject, though I said noth 
 ing about it; but now, in order to be quite sure of my 
 man, I have brought with me an old number of the 
 Humbug paper, wherein thia same Mr. O B , alias
 
 98 EXPOSURE. 
 
 Mr. F , is described as not only having been guilty oi 
 all that this gentleman has alleged against him, but as 
 having been seen on the night of the conflagration in 
 company with a convicted felon who assisted to rob 
 the clergyman of the jail." 
 
 The parson here fairly groaned aloud. "What, rob 
 & clergyman? O i, the sacrilegious villain! Hanging 
 is too good for him!" 
 
 "I an sorry for you, Mr. Fitz O Blarney or what 
 ever else may be your name," said Caustic. "Your 
 pecuniary difficulties I could have sympathized with, 
 forall gentlemen are liable to accidents of this sort; 
 but your ingratitude to your friend and benefactor 
 this is what no man of honor can overlook; so the 
 sooner you vanish the better." 
 
 "Right, captain," said the auctioneer, "I never half 
 liked the fellow s looks." 
 
 "And he s my brother-in-law !" gasped forth Mr. 
 Davis. 
 
 Before I could reply, the attorney had pulled out the 
 Humbug journal from his pocket, and, putting on his 
 spec-tax Ics, commenced reading it aloud; but scarcely 
 h:id ho got through the first sentence, when I snatched 
 it from nis hands, tore it into a thousand fragments, 
 a-; 1, Hinging them into his face, said : "This is a mon 
 strous conspiracy, got up for the sole purpose of ruin 
 ing an innocent man; but, sir," turning fiercely to wards 
 the traveler, "rely on it, you shall pay dearly for your 
 outrageous calumnies, arid this before another week is 
 Dver your head;" and so saying, I rushed towards the 
 door, taking the company so completely by surprise 
 that not a soul attempted to stop me. 
 
 Wlicu I reached the street, I stood for a moment like 
 Dne bewildered, so sudden had been the blow, and with 
 such stunning severity had it fallen on me. Neverthe 
 less an immediate decision was necessary. Ruin stared 
 me in the face. By the morrow the stranger s calumnies 
 would be in general circulation throughout the valley; 
 and not only would my prospects be forever blasted
 
 . EXPOSURE. 99 
 
 in South Wales, but intelligence also of the place of 
 my retreat would reach Humbug. 
 
 The last consideration decided me, and remember! p.^ 
 luckily that the Miltbrd coa -!i would in a few minutes 
 pass the end of the street, I resolved on taking my de 
 parture by it but whither, I was not just then sulH 
 cient master of myself to determine. 
 
 Having come to this decision, I rushed full speed 
 home. My wife met me at the door. -Good news 
 glorious news, my dear," snicl I, rubbing n;y hands 
 with affected ecstasy; "I have just heard from a friend 
 that my old uncle you must remember my often speak 
 ing of him now lies at the point of death and desires 
 to see me instantly, with the view, no doubt, of making 
 me heir to his vast property." 
 
 "Well I declare,?* replied Mrs. Fitzmaurice, "flu s is 
 just what I expected. I said only at breakfast-time, 
 some luck would befall us, for I dreamed last night " 
 
 "Quick, quick, my dear, I have no time to listen to 
 dreams now. The coach will pass within ten minutes; 
 so give me one hundred dollars for my traveling ex 
 penses, as I may perhaps be detained some little time at 
 Pembroke." 
 
 "One hundred dollars, Fitzmaurice! I should think 
 fifty would do." 
 
 "No, no; nothing under one hundred and do pray, be 
 quick. There is net a moment to lose." 
 
 Grumbling, yet with more alacrity than she ever 
 before evinced on such occasions, Mrs. Fitzmaurice 
 hastened to her secret escritoire, and in a few minutes 
 returned with the requisite sum, just as I heard the 
 coach clattering along the end of the street, and the 
 well-known footstep of Mr. Davis hastening across the 
 road. 
 
 "There, Fitzmaurice," said my wife, thrusting the 
 money into my hands, "there s one hundred dollars! 
 Now, mind you husband it carefully. You ll have no need 
 to stop on the road, and with respect to the coachman " 
 
 "(yood-bye, my dear, I "
 
 100 EXPOSURE. 
 
 "You ll be sure to write and let me Know bow youi 
 mcle is." 
 
 "Yes, yes." 
 
 "And with respect to the coachman " 
 
 [ can t wait, God bless you;" and with these words 
 I hurried off iiiy wit e calling after mo, "Be sure you 
 only oive the coachman a quarter; some folks, I know, 
 <rivo rifly c; n s; but you will go outside, of course, so 
 a (jii irlcr will be quite enough." 
 
 And thus abruptly terminated my rustication in that 
 village to the great vexation of the undertaker. 
 
 L uid of my earliest and best affections Too long 
 have I been a reluctant wanderer from thy shores; but 
 now I return, friendless indeed, but in manhood s prime, 
 to associate myself to thine injured sons, to live with 
 them-to plead for them-to suffer forthem-and, if neces 
 sary, to die tor them. Oh what are the enjoyments of 
 wealth, rank or intellect, com pared with those which visit 
 the pilgrim s heart, when, after many wanderings by sea 
 and land; after many misfortunes, aggravated haply by 
 his own indiscretions 01% what is oftener the case, by the 
 ingratitude of others, le once more treads the green 
 grass of his native land Oh, nvver till now did I feel 
 the full magic of that little word country. Now, 
 indeed, I am at home. Every face I see wears a friendly 
 and familiar smile; every tongue is tipped with a brogue 
 f hat is more than music to my ear!" 
 
 Such were my reflections as 1 sat alone in my lodg 
 ings in Dublin, gazing from an open window at the 
 rrowds that passed below. Soon, however, my reverie 
 was cut short by a tremendous chorus of voices raised 
 in every conceivable variety of intonation. Looking 
 up the street, to see what occasioned such dissonance, I 
 beheld, slowly advancing along the pavement, a bill, 
 bmly gentleman, followed closely by a pretty consid 
 erable sprinkling of the population. 
 
 As the stranger drew near the spot over which I 
 was stationed, I had ample leisure to scrutinize him. 
 Apparently he was b^twwn forty and fifty years ot age:
 
 EXPOSURE. 10} 
 
 cheerful and comely in face, with an eye slightly puck 
 ered up to the angles, and expressing infinite sbrewd- 
 ness and humor, His build wn.s athletic, particularly 
 about the shoulders, which looked as though they were 
 capable of sustaining 1 any weight. 
 
 And who was this Patagonian peripatetic, who walked 
 and talked as though he should say, "I am Sir Oracle, 
 let no dog bark when 1 clo speak!" Who bub the 
 mighty Agitator O Croimvell! 
 
 On what trifles do the leading events of IT; at <imes 
 depend! The fall of an apple made Newton a philoso 
 pher! The sight of O Cromwell confirmed me a pa 
 triot! My wandering resolves my undecided specula 
 tions were called home and fixed at once. I felt the soul 
 of Brut us stir within me. "Yes," said 1, in a sudden trans 
 port of enthusiasm, "I too will devote myself, body and 
 soul, on the altar of my country. I have got the bast 
 of all patriotic requisites, an empty pocket." It is aston 
 ishing what a fierce, outrageous love of country throbs 
 in the bosom of him who has scarcely asixpence in the 
 world. Oh, to be as powerful as O Cromwell! To be fol 
 lowed, like him, by the shouts of admiring thousands; to 
 have the pulses of a nation beat as those of an individ 
 ual, at one s si ightest word and action ; to be the barome 
 ter by which the funds are regulated and the movements 
 of troops decided; to be the bugbear of cabinets, free 
 dom s bulwark and despotism s scourge; idolized on the 
 banks of the St. Lawrence, execrated beside the Danube 
 and the Neva. Oh, for but one day, one hour, to wield 
 the sceptre of this mighty demagogue! 
 
 Such were the ambitious aspirations of my oawly 
 awakened patriotism*
 
 102 AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 
 
 CHAPTER XXL 
 
 AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 
 
 Xext day, a grand meeting was held at the Corn 
 Exchange. I went, and lo, the Agitator! He was 
 seated in smiling dignity at the upper end of the 
 room, listening to a thin, sallow, acetous orator who 
 looked as if he had been begotten of a crab-apple on 
 a vinegar-cruet; and who was pouring forth hot words 
 of passion, while his every feature appeared convulsed. 
 
 No sooner had he resumed his seat, than silence for 
 a few minutes ensued; and then a loud, unanimous call 
 for O Cromwell, which that individual was not slow 
 to obey. 
 
 lie commenced in dulcet accents; but when fairly 
 launched into his theme the enormous injuries inflicted 
 on Erin he recapitulated those injuries in a style and 
 with a spirit that absolutely electrified his audience, whose 
 attention he kept on the stretch for full four hours; 
 when, the business of the day being at an end, he 
 sailed away triumphant with a tumultuous mob in his 
 wake; and next day six columns of his "winged words" 
 were on their way to every nook and corner of the 
 three kingdoms. 
 
 "Here s fame!" said I, as I slowly and thoughtfully 
 quitted the place of meeting, "Here s power! Here s 
 all that man can desire! No Avonder that the weaver 
 quits his loom the smith his forge the laborer his 
 plow the clerk his desk the apprentice his counter 
 that all professions, all trades are at a stand-still 
 when expert enthusiastic patriots like these, ply 
 hourly the wholesome task of agitation." 
 
 On my road back to my lodgings, I heard a familiar 
 voice pronounce my name; and looking round, beheld 
 my old colleague Donovan, with whom, it mav bo
 
 AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 103 
 
 recollected, I had had a little dispute in London, touch 
 ing a certain libel for which he wished to make me re 
 sponsible. He was now engaged as a reporter for a 
 Dublin journal, and filled up Ins leisure hours by occa 
 sionally holding forth at the Corn Exchange. 
 
 To meet Donovan, and to ask him to dinner, were 
 the acts of one and the same moment. I had long 
 since forgiven his behavior to me, and as he seemeo 
 equally disposed to be conciliatory, we agreed to pass 
 a social evening together. 
 
 There are few greater pleasures in life few that 
 more actively call forth our dormant sympathies than 
 sudden meetings of this sort; more especially after 
 time, absence, and continual commerce with the world 
 have wrought their usual blighting effects on our feel 
 ings. 
 
 In the course of the evening, when the good cheef 
 had opened our hearts, Donovan gave me the history 
 of that -cursed libel," which, it seems, had not only 
 been the means of subjecting him to fine and inprison- 
 ment;but had saddled him, besides with a host of legal 
 expenses, which he was only enabled to liquidate by 
 the sale, at a heavy loss, of his Sunday journal. "How 
 ever," ho added with vivacity, when he had brought his 
 narrative to a close, "these things are all done with 
 now; I have quitted London forever, and am here 
 a fixed resident in Dublin, where I have been upwards 
 of three months. But what brings you over the 
 water? A truant disposition, or a pressing necessity?" 
 
 "Oh, the old story, necessity," I replied. And with 
 out entering too minutely into the history of my advent 
 ures since wo last parted (for I am naturally delicate 
 in alluding to my own private affairs), I contented my^ 
 self with a brief rambling sketch, and then proceeded 
 to ask advice as to the best and readiest means of 
 putting my new resolves into execution. 
 
 "My good fellow," answered Donovan, "your inten 
 tions are every way worthy of you; but here, they will 
 be found, I fear, impracticable,"
 
 104 Atf AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 
 
 "Then what am 1 to do? where betake myself?" 
 
 "Those are questions more easily asked than 
 answered." 
 
 "But surely your tact and experience can help me to 
 some suggestion?" 
 
 "No indeed, I can t. All I know is, that you have 
 not the slightest chance. Why, even I have made r.o 
 great hit as yet, whatever I may do hereafter; how 
 then, can you? But J hate comparisons: let s talk oi 
 something else." 
 
 But this was not what I wanted; so, in a few 
 minutes, J returned to the charge by announcing my 
 intention of offering my services to the editors ot the 
 journals: whereupon Donovan, jealous, no doubt, of 
 such a competitor, said, 
 
 "A good idea has just struck me! Why not try the 
 provincial press? A county newspaper will be the 
 very thing for you. You will find no rivals there; and 
 by exerting due tact, may make yourself as popular as 
 you please." 
 
 "But the arena is so circumscribed?" 
 
 "Stuff 1 How can you tell till you try? 
 
 "Yes; but to fall back again, after all one s efforts 
 to emerge from it, to a condition ot bankruptcy 
 
 "Better that than nothing." 
 
 "Oh, of course; but I an? by no means sure that my 
 case is yet so desperate. However, let us drop the 
 subject for the present; to-morrow evening I will call 
 an 1 acquaint you with my decision." 
 
 The next, day, without hinting a syllable of my inten 
 tions to Donovan, I made the round of the morning airl 
 evening papers, with an offer of my services ; but meet 
 ing with equal discouragement at every office I visited 
 I resolved on adopting Donovan s suggestion. 
 
 "I congratulate you," said he, when we met pur 
 suant to agreement, "on your decision. In what way 
 do you propose to proceed?" 
 
 "By advertising. I know of no other method." 
 
 "Humph! Better to work through private connection- r
 
 AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 105 
 
 "But I have no private connection, unless you can 
 assist me." 
 
 "Maybe I can. What say you to a trip, by way of 
 experiment, to Ballinabroguei " 
 
 "Why do you ask?" 
 
 "For five good reasons. First, because the district 
 is most decidedly the best. Secondly, because it affords 
 a fine opening for constitutional agitation. Thirdly, 
 because the inhabitants are wealthy. Fourthly, because 
 an important meeting is to be held there within the 
 month, at which you may exhibit your eloquence to 
 advantage. And, lastly, because the editor and pro 
 prietor of the leading Ballinabrogue journal is my 
 ^ery particular friend. Here is a goodly show of 
 reasons for you!" 
 
 "And equally unanswerable." 
 
 "Then you will think seriously of my proposal?" 
 
 "I accede to it at once." 
 
 "Good; and I will pave the way for you by a letter 
 of introduction to the proprietor in question, who, as 
 my friend, will put you in the way at acquiring a 
 connection, which you may extend or not as you please; 
 and possibly, should the editorial chair be vacant, 
 enthrone you in that seat of honor." 
 
 ,,My dear fellow," said I, grasping him warmly by 
 t he hand, "I am eternally your debtor." 
 
 "Just what my confounded tailor says of me, when 
 ever I chance to meet him." 
 
 "What is the name of the gentleman to whom you 
 are going to introduce me?" 
 
 "Flannaghan, and you ll find him as able and will 
 ing to assist you as any man that ever breathed." 
 
 "Thank God for that; I never was in more need of 
 a friend!" with which words we parted; and early on 
 the following day, having received testimonials, letters 
 of introduction, and so forth, I mounted his majesty s 
 mail, and made the best of my way to Ballinabrogue.
 
 106 ONCE MORE AN EDITOB. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIL 
 
 ONCE MORE AN EDITOR. 
 
 Nothing* of the slightest importance occurred during 
 the journey, except that the coach was stopped on the 
 road, the guard robbed of the mail bags, and the coach 
 man twice shot at from behind a hedge. 
 
 The first thing I did on reaching Ballinabrogue was 
 to ensconce myself in a suitable lodging; the second, to 
 mid out the proprietor of the county journal, by whom, 
 as an old acquaintance of Donovan, I calculated on 
 being favorably received. 
 
 Mr. Flannagham, however, happened to be out when 
 I called, engaged as witness on a trial; whereupon, 
 leaving my credentials enclosed in an explanatory note, 
 I placed it in the clerk s hands, with a special request 
 that he would tell his employer, the instant he came 
 back, that the person who left the letter would, him 
 self call for an answer in the course of the day. 
 
 In the evening, accordingly, I presented myself 
 again at the office, and was ushered into the proprie 
 tor s private room. I found him just as Donovan had 
 described him, a frank, jovial, good-natured man 
 one of that class of beings with whom one is at home 
 in an instant. He was held in general esteem among 
 his neighbors; moved in excellent circles and, in point 
 of fortune, was in what may be called "easy circum 
 stances;" and this, independently of the emoluments 
 he derived from his journal, which, being the oldest 
 and the most liberal, enjoyed a great circulation. 
 
 Such a connection was quite a god-send to a patriot 
 like myself, and more especially was it of value, 
 because from the fact of his being a man of substance, 
 rendered the conduct of his journal not a little irk 
 some to him.
 
 ONOE MORE AN EDITOK. 10? 
 
 tinder these circumstances, he naturally looked on 
 me as an angel sent from heaven to his deliverance; 
 so the question of writing, and upon what terms, was 
 broached, even on our first interview: in the course of 
 which, I took care to let drop a discreet sketch of the 
 rise, progress, and termination of my connection with 
 the London press, to which Mr. Flannaghan listened 
 with marked attention; but taking for granted that> 
 like a man of the world, he would believe only one- 
 half of what I said, I was resolved that one-half 
 should be such as to ensure me a favorable verdict. 
 
 It was not till a late honr, after an agreeable and, 
 considering the circumstances, quite a confidential fete 
 a-lete, that I took leave of my hospitable host. The best 
 part of the next day I spent in drawing up a political 
 communication in the form of a "letter from a 
 correspondent, with a view to keep alive public 
 interest in favor of the approaching meeting. I am 
 willing to suppose that it was skill fully executed; at 
 any rate, it answered its purpose; for, being peppery 
 and personal, it drew from Mr. Flannaghun the 
 acknowledgment that he could not have done it better 
 himself. I should think not. But I did not say so. 
 
 This communication was followed up by some five 
 or six leading articles, which I had the good fortune 
 to find favorably noticed in the neighborhood so favor 
 ably, indeed, and so opportunely, as to induce Mr. 
 Flannaghan, without further hesitation, to make over 
 to me his editorial functions, to which he attached a 
 weekly stipend, just sufficient to enable me to keep my 
 head above water. 
 
 But this was not the only kindness I received at the 
 hands of this estimable individual. As our acquaint 
 ance strengthened, he introduced me to many respect 
 able people, who, fascinated by my modest demeanor, 
 by the consummate knowledge I appeared to possess, 
 and above all, by my freshness and enthusiasm, treated 
 me with signal respect and courtesy. 
 
 The day appointed for the meeting was now fast
 
 108 A FOOLISH QUARliEL. 
 
 approaching. For some time previous, it had been the 
 theme of general discussion throughout the country. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 A FOOLISH QUARREL. 
 
 On the evening preceding it I paid a visit to Mr 
 Flannaghan, who had taken up his residence in a cot 
 tage just outside the town. As it was late when I 
 called, I found him seated with a friend and neighbor, 
 one Kelly, a lean, pompous attorney, with a short 
 body and long legs, like a pair of tongs, w r hom I had 
 seen in his company once or twice before, and who, in 
 common with many other persons of the same persua 
 sion, bore with Mr. Flannaghan s politics in considera 
 tion of his excellent qualities as a man. 
 
 Mr. Flannaghan had evidently been just delivered of 
 one of his smartest anecdotes; for Avhen I entered, a 
 dying grin still lingered on his guest s countenance. 
 
 "I can guess, O Blarney," said the former, "what 
 brings you here at this late hour. It is about to-mor 
 row s meeting." 
 
 "Yes; I am anxious to know whether you will attend 
 or not." 
 
 "That will depend on the weather. You ll speak, of 
 course?" 
 
 "I can t avoid it, for the committee have placed in 
 my hands one of the most important resolutions. But 
 surely, sir, you ll say something, as well as the rest of 
 us?" 
 
 "No, no," replied Mr. Flannaghan; "at my age, men 
 begin to sicken of public life." 
 
 "I wish to fortune, Flannaghan," said Mr. Kelly, 
 "that all men were as sensible as yourself." 
 
 "Why, I certainly do flatter myself," drawled 
 out mine host, stroking his chin with an air of mucfc
 
 A FOOLISH QUARREL 10 ( J 
 
 elf-complacency, "I do flatter myself that if I have 
 one redeeming quality beyond another, it is just a suf 
 ficient stock of common sense to enable me to steer 
 clear of all extremes. 
 
 "That s precisely my way of thinking," rejoined Mr. 
 Kelly, "and, therefore, it is that I feel such pleasure in 
 chatting with you. Though we sometimes differ, (as 
 who do not?) yet we always do so with temper." 
 
 "I wish I could say as much for some other friends ot 
 ours. Do you remember Hourgan last Sunday at the 
 news-room? What an ass he made of himself about 
 your Attorney-general! 
 
 "Come, come/ rejoined Mr. Kelly, with a good-hum 
 ored smile; "you are too severe, Flannaghan. The fel 
 low was warm, certainly; but then, consider he had the 
 best of the argument." 
 
 "The worst, you mean; men in the right never los 
 their temper." 
 
 "Why, surely, my good fellow, you won t pretend to 
 deny that Saurin is a man of first- rate powers of mind? 
 Even his bitterest enemies, allow that." . 
 
 "If, for <mmd , you will substitute brass/ I will agree 
 with you with all my heart." 
 
 "Hah! hah! I love a joke in season as well as any 
 one, but this trifling is a little mis-tuned. 
 
 "I acknowledge him," replied Mr. Flannaghan, "to 
 be a shrewd, bold, active 
 
 "You are hasty, my dear sir- take time and digest 
 your thoughts. Come, suppose we replenish;" and so 
 saying, Mr. Kelly filled his glass, and handed over the 
 ladle to mine host. 
 
 By this time the punch was beginning to tell; seeing 
 which, I tried to turn the conversation. But my cii orts 
 were fruitless. The demon of politics had taken full 
 possession of both gentlemen, who, though usually shy 
 of discussing public matters; yet seemed resolved, on 
 this occasion, to make up for past reserves by an inor 
 dinate exhibition of candor. 
 
 "For Heaven s sake, gentlemen, cease these persoualK
 
 110 A rOOUSH QUAXKSX. 
 
 tiesl They re unworthy of friends, who, in their coole* 
 moments mutually respect each other," I said. 
 
 "Respect!" thundered Mr. Kelly, "what respect can 
 I have for -ne who has the assurance to condemn a man 
 of whom he confesses to know nothing." 
 
 "That is to say I know about as much as you." 
 
 "Oh, very well; I see there s no contending with 
 ignorance." 
 
 "This to me, in my own house!" exclaimed mine host, 
 starting up, and thrusting his chair behind him; "there s 
 the door, sir!" 
 
 Mr. Kelly rose at the same moment, and with equal 
 heat, while I, by endeavoring to appease him, only drew 
 down his wrath on myself. 
 
 "What business is it ol yours (" he said; "who asked 
 you for your opinion, siir Then, before I could re 
 ply, he continued, "as for you, Mr. Flannaghan, from 
 this time forward, I shall take care that we never ex 
 change another syllable together," and he rushed from 
 the house, banging the street door after him like a 
 whirlwind. 
 
 No sooner was he gone, than "I can t help pitying 
 Kelly, O Blamey," said Mr. Flannaghan, "did you 
 observe how foolish he looked?" 
 
 I did not tell Mr. Flannaghan that he was in pre 
 cisely the same predicament; but passed a variety of 
 delicate encomiums on ray host s singular candor and 
 magnanimity, which I could see gave me a wonderful 
 rift in his good opinion. 
 
 Omnipotent Flattery Lri. them say what they \vi!) 
 of Caesars, and Napoleons, but thou art the ou y 
 conqueror.
 
 FK1ZK14W ill 
 
 CHAPTEB XXTV. 
 
 NEW FRIENDS. 
 
 To a relation by the na*no of Mahon, Mr. Flanna- 
 ghan made a point of introducing me. 
 
 Mr. Mabon was a widower in easy circumstancesj 
 +riih one only child, to whom he was devotedlj 
 attached. With this young lady, whose lightest word 
 was law at Bellevue (the namo of her father s resi 
 dence), I, of course, did my best to ingratiate myself, in 
 which I so far succeeded that my visits were generally 
 looked forward to with satisfaction; for Mr. Mahon, 
 whose mind the untimely death of his wife had 
 touched, but not soured, with gloom, had been for 
 sometime gradually withdrawing himselt trorn society; 
 and all the world knows how cheering, under such cir 
 cumstances, <e the casual dropping in of a sprightly 
 accommodating visitor, who has all the gossip ot the 
 neighborhood at his fingers ends, and is ever ready tc 
 be merry or grave, silent or talkative, as suits his host s 
 humor. 
 
 The departure of Mr. Flannaghan, dia not at all 
 diminish my influence at Bellevue; indeed, it served 
 rather to strengthen it, for it made the inmates 
 especially Ellen, with whom solitude had not yet bocomt 
 source of enjoyment more dependent on me foi tht: 
 resources of an agreeable companionship. 
 
 An intimacy soon sprung up between Ellen and J, 
 which increased to such a height, that when ever my 
 official duties we re closed for the weok, 1 invariably 
 hastened over to the enchanting solitude of Bellevue. 
 
 The spot was indeed a paradise, and Ellen was its 
 Eve. This young creature just emerging from girl- 
 bcxxl, was exquisitely beautiful in face and figure; full 
 of *utk> hie * a summer wisd; oi a fond confiding
 
 li> NEW 
 
 disposition j artless and playful as a Lamb L, rxnng, in 
 fact, wholly made up of sensibility. Oh, aow different 
 were her good sense and simplicity from the nordmat 
 vanity of my first v/ife, 3r ttoe ?tern cold avarice of rny 
 second! Neither of these had ever engaged aiy affec 
 tions; the connection on both sides originated solely 
 in interested motives, but Ellen was all disinterested 
 ness. She loved me for myself alone. And no wonder, foi 
 1 am a handsome fellow, afcd I care not who knows it. 
 
 Miss Mahon and 1 were much together; yet, strange 
 to tell, notwithstanding such favorable opportunities, I 
 .-oiild DDt bring myself to turn them to account. 
 Fission and principle kept perpetually clutching at my 
 heartstrings whenever any thing like an avowal of love 
 rosn to my lips. 
 
 Meantime, scarce a day elapsed but i found some 
 excuse or other for making my appearance at tfeilevue. 
 I had always a new book to lend or to borrow, a new 
 political topic to discuss with Mr. Mahon, or a new 
 speech to read over to him. On these occasions, a bed 
 was always at my service, and, after dinner, when papa 
 dropped asleep in iiis arm-chair, Ellen and I would in 
 dulge in a commonplace tete-a-tete, or a more express 
 ive silence; for, as my conscience would not allow me 
 to betray myself by my tongue, I had nothing left for 
 it but to discourse with my ayes. 
 
 Sometimes, when the weather permitted, we would 
 take a stroll togetheralong the glsn, or rouna by some 
 iojiantic rocks. In the evening the music-room was 
 our usual place of resort, for Ellen s harp was always 
 *:.l hand, and there was a certain something m the 
 Act ot tinging and listening that accorded woudrously 
 weil with the inclinations of both parties. 
 
 \Vhen the summons to tea hurried us from the 
 music-room, Mr. Mahon, invigorated by his brief snatch 
 of sleep, would join us, and then politics would usurp 
 the p. ace of sentiment, ana the night would b wound 
 up by a game at chess, or backgammon, m botb A whicu 
 fc.r.s iioet deiigbted, the more so, ^ i .uv i t r
 
 row rairaras, 
 
 * point of being beaten; with a nattering show of 
 reluctance; or should Mr. Flannaghan, which h* 
 frequently did, dror> in, we would engage in a sober 
 rubber at whist, till it was time to retire to bed. 
 
 We may bo singular in our wisdom; but there is no 
 fear of our standing atone in our folly. Even Gibbon 
 bent the knee to love; why, then, should I hesitace to 
 plead guilty to the delicate indictment. 
 
 In tnis delicious state of intoxication, then passed 
 the only happy fortnight I have ever known a fort 
 night of such full rare sunshine, that it brought all 
 my dormant virtues into blossom. But, alas 1 My sun 
 had attainrd its meridian, and was already journeying 
 westward. 
 
 "Well, Q Blarney," said Mr. Flannagnan, calling 
 unexpectedly one morning at my lodgings, while I was 
 busy making additions to my private journal, "any new** 
 to-day? What say the Dublin papers ?" 
 
 " Nothing of moment. The truth is, O EUrney, k 
 don t half like these inflammatory articles of yours. 
 
 That mischief-making Kelly is already talking about 
 the necessity of proclaiming the district. 
 
 " Why you have cooled down of late Mr. Flanna- 
 ghan," said I, with an arch smile. 
 
 " I have no longer a taste for patriotic martyrdom. 
 Besides, Kelly, who is not without influence he^, ; .s so 
 enraged with me on account of that foolish quarrel the 
 other night " 
 
 " Well, then, if Kelly still cherishes anger towards 
 you, it is solely because you were the means of making 
 me known here. He has already been heard publbly 
 to declare, that he will not rest till he has reduced me 
 to what he calls my level." 
 
 " Well, no matter; so long as you keep within the 
 limits of discretion. I do not ask you to cry enough, 
 but simply to take care. 
 
 But I am forgetting the object of my visit, which was 
 to ask you, as 1 suppose you have finished your labor 
 for the week, to accompany me over to BeUevue.
 
 114 STEW FRIENDS. 
 
 " Nothing will give me greater pleasure," I replied 
 
 Then let us be off at once; for the weather at this 
 season of the year is not to he dependent upon from one 
 moment to another," and he hurried me from the room, 
 with such extreme impatience that in the haste and 
 confusion of the moment I left my MS journal open on 
 my desk. 
 
 When \ve reached Bellevue, we found Mr. Mahon 
 bird at work in his garden, and Ellen with her bonnet 
 on, just preparing to go out. Leaving the two gentle 
 men together, I offered my services as an escort to Miss 
 Mahon, which she readily accepted, and we wandered 
 away for two or three hours. 
 
 Jn the course of the evening Mr. Flannaghan and hia 
 host sat down to their wonted game of backgammon 
 while Ellen and myself flew off to the piano. 
 
 Among the airs, "Has Sorrow Thy Young Days 
 Shaded ?" particularly caught my fancy; whereupon 
 Ellen sung it for me with a sweetness and simplicity 
 that 1 have never heard surpassed rarely equalled. 
 
 When she had finished sinking, " Miss Mahon," said 
 I, "you are fast spoiling me tor my duties, by bidding 
 me lose all sense of public injury in that of private 
 happiness. 
 
 Oh! she replied, laughingly, "if you are to be di 
 verted from your path by every will-o -the-wisp that 
 may happen to flit across it, there is little left in you 
 for me to spoil. But, tell me, what do you think of 
 this last ballad of Moore s? 
 
 fi Though tender and plaintive, it is too monotonous. 
 I am loathe to speak against Moore; yet you must 
 allow, Miss Mahon, that, as a national poet, he has 
 defects, and great ones too?" 
 
 "Indeed; but I will allow no such thing." 
 
 " What is all this you are talking about?" said Mr. 
 Flannaghan, rising up from the game which he had just 
 finished, and advancing towards us. 
 
 "Oh, nothing of consequence, sir,* replied Ellen; 
 M we were merely chatting about Moore."
 
 AJ9 UNEXPECTED VISITOR. 115 
 
 " So I could have sworn. Whenever two or three 
 jroung folks are clustered together about a piano, Moore 
 is always sure to be the theme oi their discourse. 
 
 But come, we must be going, O Blarney; it s later 
 than I supposed;" and accordingly we took leave of our 
 hosts, and returned together to Ballinabrogue. 
 
 CHAPTE& XXV. 
 
 A>? UNEXPECTED VISITOR. 
 
 When I reached my room, the first thing I learned 
 from the servant who sat up to let me in was, that a 
 lady had called who refused to give her name; but, 
 mentioning that she was an old acquaintance, had re 
 quested to be shown up-stairs, where she remained full 
 naif an hour, till finding that I did not return, -she de 
 parted, leaving word that she would take an early op 
 portunity of repeating her visit. 
 
 Concluding, from the servant s description of the 
 strange female, that she was Mr. J lannaghan s maiden 
 Gister, who now and then did me the honor of a visit; 
 but whom my informant had not yet seen, I took no 
 further notice of the circumstance, but burned to bed. 
 
 (Xe tine evening, after an early dinner, Mr. Mabon. 
 who chanced to be in better spirits than u^ual, accurn- 
 panied Ellen and myself in one of our favorite strolls. 
 Our road, selected oy him, lay through a narrow rocky 
 p*iss, which opened, at the distance ot about a quartei 
 of a mile, upon a tolerably expansive valley, which wa." 
 closed in on every side by ranges of sloping hills. 
 
 The pass was one that would have done credit even 
 to the Highlands. It was narrow, deep sunk, and 
 walled in on both sides by a rampart of rocks. 
 
 When we reached this romantic spot, which was ren 
 dered still more impressive t>y the fitful shadows of 
 evening, Mr. Mabou halted, and turning round to me
 
 116 A3 UNEXPECTED VTSITOB. 
 
 (foi T was close behind him, with Ellen leaning on rny 
 arm), said, "Ellen will tell you that this is a <lui ; MI- 
 social spot, fit only to inspire abhorrence." 
 
 " And indeed so it is, papa," replied the lively girt, 
 " What a gloom these frowning rocks fling down upon 
 us! JSo bird ever sings here, for the poor thing would 
 be startled at the sound of ite own voice. Pray let us 
 hasten on to the valley. 
 
 " But listen, Miss Ellen, your old friend the night-owl 
 i* beginning his song again," I observed. 
 
 " Aly friend! No, uo, he is too dismal a songster for 
 me. Owls are fit only to be listened to by grave phil 
 osophers, or crabbed politicians, or gentlemen who 
 have no ear for the melody of Moore s verses. Now, 
 don t look so cross; you know it is quite impossible I 
 can mean you." 
 
 Thus chatting, we mended our pace, and soon 
 reached the extremity of the pass. Ellen insisted on 
 toy admiring the various beauties of the valley. Mr. 
 Mahon proposed a return home, lor a brisk wind nurried 
 before it such heavy masses of clouds as betokened an 
 inclement night. 
 
 Accordingly, I drew Ellen s arm closer within mine, 
 while her father preceded us by a few yards; and, led 
 i>n by the enchanting frankness and familiarity of her 
 mariner, which had been gradually assuming a more 
 flattering character towards me forgetting, also, in 
 the impulse of the moment, all my virtuous resolves 
 I seized the favorable opportunity, at once avowed 
 ny love, and but why dwell on the painful topic? 
 Suffice it to say, that the trembling arm of the gentle 
 listener the half-averted face, and low, deprecating 
 voice, struggling to conceal what the heart toe 
 strongly felt, convinced me that I had not pleaded m vain. 
 
 No sooner had my declaration escaped me, and Ellnn 
 some indistinct words of reply, than, aa if 
 awakened to the embarrassment of bci 
 she insisted on my joining her fathar 
 wi made the best of our way h*ck
 
 AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR. 117 
 
 towards the pass, where Mr. Mahon stool wm ting for 
 us, when, just as wo had reached its dark rocky portal, 
 we were startled by the sound of footsteps, and, 
 at the same instant, a female figure of most for 
 bidding aspect, started up right before our path. 
 
 I know not why it was, but my spirits sunk as I 
 beheld this intruder, who, fixing her eyes full on me, 
 as if she would have blasted me with their lightning 
 glance, disclosed the countenance of my first wife, 
 Catharine that wife whom I had quarrelled with, and 
 quitted, my first love. 
 
 From the expression of my wife s countenance, 1 
 saw at once that I was recognized; nothing, therefore, 
 I felt persuaded, was to be done, but to make up my 
 mind for a scene; so, summoning my utmost presence 
 of mind, I addressed myself to Mr. Mahon: "I think 
 we had better hasten on, the sky looks threatening, 
 and if we loiter here, we may be caught in a storm." 
 
 "You are right; but stay, let us hear what this 
 stranger has to say for herself. 
 
 "Oh! yes, she is a poor maniac," I replied, catching 
 p.t the first wild random idea that crossed my brain, as 
 a drowning man catches at a straw, whom I have met 
 occasionally in my walks from Ballinabro^ue to Bclle- 
 vue, and who, because I have relieved ner once or 
 twice, and thereby established a sort of claim on her 
 attention, imagines, unhappy creature! that we aro 
 bound together. Would you believe it, sir!" 1 added, 
 in the same under-tone, "she has actually got a strange 
 whim into her head that I am her husband! Ver) 
 ridiculous, isn t it?" 
 
 But my wife, who had hitherto stood at a shgb\ 
 distance, with all her jealous feelings aroused into action 
 by the sight of Ellen s youthful countenance ami 
 figure, was resolved I should not escape exposure; so. 
 planting herself right before Mr. Mahon, she exclaimed, 
 "But one word, sir but one word, as " 
 
 "Poor tiling!" said Mr. MaLon, waving her from the 
 path, anil &t the same time preparii^j to move on.
 
 113 AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR. 
 
 "I do not ask your pity, sir," she replied, "1 
 ask only your justice. Hear me, Mr. Manon; not 
 one inch will I stir from this spot until I have exposed 
 the real character of that man who stands beside you." 
 
 "Catharine," said I, letting go Ellen s arm, and 
 advancing close up to my wife, "if you have been 
 wronged, roly on it 1 will see you righted." 
 
 "Righted! yes, when disgrace and ruin 
 
 "Hush! Catharine, not so loud. Why should we 
 expose our domestic differences to strangers? For 
 give but the past, and anything every thing you 
 may demand, I will at once agree to. Come, let 
 us be friends. Has Juliet so soon forgotten Romeo?" 
 
 "Friends!" she replied, with a loud voice and flash 
 ing eye, "yes, when ruin stares you in the -face, then 
 from every apprehension you will do me justice. But 
 mark me, sir! I seek other justice than you can 
 afford to bestow. Mr. Mahon," she added, turning to 
 that gentleman, whose suspicions began to be aroused, 
 "that man whom you have so prematurely called your 
 friend, was nay, is still, my husband!" 
 
 Ellen here earnestly besought her father to proceed, 
 which drew down on her a cutting reproach from my 
 wife; till, finding that Mr. Mahon seemed disposed to. 
 lend a favorable ear to whatever explanation she might 
 have to offer, she somewhat softened her tone, and 
 proceeded to detail the history of her first acquaintance 
 .vith me of our subsequent marriage and departure 
 for the Continent; of the frequent altercations that had 
 taken place between us at Xaples in every one of 
 which I, of course, was represented as the sole party 
 in fault; of my abandonment of her, and her own 
 consequent return to Mollyrnoreen, where she found 
 Mr. O Brien at the last gasp; and of the solemn vow 
 she had made to apply what sums remained to her 
 from the wreck of his fortune in exploring every 
 quarter of Ireland, for the purpose of discovering and 
 denouncing me. 
 
 Bearing in mind the profession to which I originally
 
 .FOUND -AT LAST. 119 
 
 belonged, and thinking it far from unlikely that neces 
 sity might have compelled me to resume it, she made 
 a point, at every town she visited, of first directing her 
 attention to the theater. But all her inquiries were 
 fruitless; not a single manager, of the number to whom 
 she applied, could give her the slightest information 
 of my "whereabouts." 
 
 Vexed at her ill-luck, she returned to Mollymoreen, 
 where she lived for some time secluded, a prey to 
 chagrin; when one day, as she was passing by the 
 theater, she suddenly encountered an individual, whose 
 features, she imagined, were not altogether unknown 
 to her. The stranger seemed equally surprised at so 
 unexpected an encounter, and addressing her by the 
 name of Fitzgerald, made himself know to her as the 
 actor who had been the main instrument in forwarding 
 her marriage with me. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI 
 
 FOUND AT LAST. 
 
 This led to further inquiries, when the fellow of 
 course, unacquainted with all the circumstances of our 
 subsequent estrangement frankly informed her that 
 he had seen her husband but a short time before, in one 
 of the boxes of the theater at Ballinabrogue! 
 
 " From this moment," said she, " I felt inspired with 
 new life; the certainty that I had, at length, revenge 
 within my grasp gave me the first sensation of joy that 
 I had known since I quitted Naples; and, hurrying 
 without an hour s delay to Ballinabrogue, I laid my 
 whole case before a magistrate, by name Kelly " 
 
 "Kelly !" said I, unable longer to control my agita 
 tion. 
 
 "Yes, Kelly," resumed my wife; "and at his express 
 instigation, I took the opportunity of this wretch s
 
 1? - , FOUND AT LAST. 
 
 absence to rail a few da}^ since at his lodgings, and there 
 make such inquiries as I thought might tend to substan 
 tiate my case; nay, even to possess myself of certain docu 
 ments which proved, not only that he was my husband, 
 but the husband also of another woman in South Wales." 
 
 By this time, I could not but see that all was over. 
 My wife, it was clear, had perused my journal, which, on 
 that disastrous morning, in my hurry to accompany Mr. 
 Flannaghan to Bellevue, I had indeed left open on my 
 desk. 
 
 " Mark me, sir," she went on to say, " your hour is 
 come! A letter has been despatched; ay, and an answer 
 returned too, which proves your guilt beyond all 
 question. Moreover," she added waving her hand to 
 some figures, who now, for the first time, I perceived 
 had been watching all our movements in the distance 
 " here come those who wilt conduct you back to Ballin- 
 abrogue, as such a wretch deserves to be conducted." 
 
 It was but too true. To the astonishment of Mr. 
 Mahon, his daughter s affright, and my extreme dis 
 gust, three policemen, who must have been purposely 
 concealed in the neighborhood, no sooner saw the sig 
 nal, than, before I had time to arrange my thoughts, 
 they rushed up and secured me without opposition. 
 1 resolved to venture on one final appeal to Mr. Mahon. 
 But that gentleman was far too indignant to hear a 
 wore!; and, drawing his daughter s arm, who was nearly 
 fainting, poor girl, hastily through his, left me to the 
 custody of the policemen; who, on our road back to Bal- 
 li nab rogue, informed me, at my particular request, of 
 a 1 1 the circumstances attending my detection. It seemed 
 Mrs. Fitzmaurice oxpressed no unwillingness to bear 
 evidence against me, provided she could be assured of 
 reimbursement for traveling expenses, etc. 
 
 As I listened to this statement, a gleam of hope shot 
 athwart my soul. If my wife, thought I, refuse to come 
 over, the main link of evidence will be wanting. But, 
 alas Mr. Kelly volunteered to satisfy her demands.
 
 UNPLEASANT RESULTS. 121 
 
 CHAPTER XXVH 
 
 UNPLEASANT RESULTS. 
 
 A month had now elapsed since the events detailed 
 in the last chapter, during which time scarce a day 
 passed but I was busy in consultation with my attorney. 
 
 As this person entered into my case with remarkable 
 zeal, in the hope of gaining eclat by my acquittal, I was 
 not without hopes of a favorite result; "in which case," 
 saidjl, "so far from doing me injury, my trial may actually 
 be productive of good; for my countrymen, who cannot 
 but see that political motives have been at the bottom 
 of it, will, no doubt, bear in mind that I am a sufferer 
 in their cause, and recompense me for my sufferings by 
 a handsome public subscription." 
 
 This idea kept up my spirits during the protracted 
 term of my imprisonment. 
 
 The second day was the one appointed for my trial, 
 the particulars of which, I shall take simply as I find 
 them reported in the columns of my own journal. 
 Strange that the very paper which had so long borne 
 testimony to my patriotism, should be the very one to 
 chronicle my disgrace ! 
 
 "FrrzMAURiCE vs. O BLARNEY This long expected 
 trial came on this morning. From an early hour the 
 court was crowded to excess; in one corner of the 
 court, close behind the jury-box, we, ourselves, counted 
 not less than six individuals whose united ages 
 amounted to upwards of four hundred and fifteen years! 
 
 "The learned judge took his seat on the bench pre 
 cisely at eleven o clock, when the prisoner, O Blarney, 
 was ordered to be placed at the bar. The appearance 
 of this young man is remarkably prepossessing. He is 
 of middle size, and well proportioned with a face full 
 of intelligence and sensibility. Tiare is nothing io
 
 122 UNPLEASANT RESULTS. 
 
 his look or manner to denote the criminal; indeed, 
 there is an air of bashfulness about him. He was 
 dressed in deep mourning, with a small shamrock sprig 1 
 in his waistcoat button-hole, just above his heart a 
 modest and unassuming trait of patriotism,whieh seemed 
 to produce quite a pathetic effect. 
 
 Each of the jury having been duly sworn, Mr. Sheilly 
 opened the case in the following energetic speech, 
 
 " May it please your lordship, Gentlemen of the 
 jury, Never in the discharge of my professional 
 avocations did I rise with such painful feelings of 
 embarrassment as oppress me on the present awful 
 occasion. I have heard that no noxious insect can 
 thrive in the consecrated soil of Erin. Alas 1 the 
 sweltering reptile at the bar proves the fact a fiction. 
 With these few remarks, wrung from me in the agony 
 of my spirit, I proceed to lay before you the particulars 
 of this heart-rending case. The plaintiff is a young 
 lady of Mollymoreen, who resided, up to the period of 
 her inauspicious nuptials, with a venerable and univer 
 sally adored uncle. The name of this estimable 
 individual was O Brien, and his niece bore the same 
 patronymic. She was a lady of the highest accomplish" 
 ments the most consummate beauty simple, unso 
 phisticated and twenty-six slim, susceptible, and a 
 spinster. In an evil hour, however, when her guardian 
 genius slumbered at his post, it was her fate to descry, 
 through an opera-glass from the dress-boxes of the 
 Mollymoreen theater, the unparalleled prisoner at the 
 bar. His person filled her with admiration, and he re 
 ciprocated the sentiment. But, alas ! his love was not 
 the inspiration of Cupid, but of Mammon. He fixed a 
 fond gaze, not on the plaintiff s person, but on her 
 purse. The plaintiff s guardian with the wary sagacity 
 of age, soon fathomed the nature of the defendant s 
 attachment. But his discovery was made too late . 
 Finding this to be the case, Mr. O Brien had no other 
 alternative left, than to sob forth a reluctant consent 
 to tiie nuptials.
 
 UNPLEASANT RESULTS. 123 
 
 " Gentlemen, continued Mr. Sheilly, I shall now 
 proceed without further comment, to the details of the 
 prisoner s second marriage. This took place at Lland- 
 warrys, in South Wales. The unoffending victim, was 
 a lovely, intelligent widow, universally respected by all 
 who had the honor of her acquaintance. Oh, that 
 sorrow should have spared the infant bud, only to blight 
 the full-blown blossom! Of the prisoner s two victims, 
 I scarce know which most deserves your commiseration. 
 The one was green and sportive spring; the other, the 
 mellow and voluptuous autumn. But the defendant 
 gave the perference to neither. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, you are fathers you are 
 husbands you are men your are Christians and, by 
 these sacred titles, I implore you to mark your sense 
 of the prisoner s attrocity by a verdict which shall 
 brand him, like Cain, with the stamp of imperishable 
 infamy. 
 
 The learned gentleman sat down amid the most 
 vociferous acclamations from all parts of the court, 
 which were so long continued as to awaken the vener 
 able judge, who rubbing his eyes, and looking angrily 
 about him, in the direction of the jury-box, exclaimed, 
 Officer of the court, wake the foreman of the jury! 
 after which the certificates of both marriages were put 
 in, and Mr. Sheilly proceeded to call witnesses in 
 corroboratio n of his statements, who were subjected to 
 a rigid cross-examination. 
 
 When the case for the prosecution had closed, my 
 counsel arose for the defence. The following is as cor 
 rect a report as we could give of the learned gentle 
 man s speech, considering that he was inaudible at 
 times, owing to the great confusion that prevailed 
 throughout the court : 
 
 " May it please your lordship, Gentlemen of the 
 jury, I am well aware that to a certain extent judge 
 ment must pass against my client. I mean not to deny 
 the fact of his first, nor yet of his second, marriage; 
 but this I will maintain, tLat notwithstanding the
 
 124 FAREWELL! A LONG FAREWELL. 
 
 eloquent vituperation of my learned friend, the evi 
 dence you have this day heard proves that defendant 
 has been far "more sinned against than sinning." In 
 considering your verdict, gentlemen, I trust you will 
 take this fact into your consideration. Besides, do not 
 let it escape your attention, that this prosecution has 
 at least as much to do with politics as justice. The 
 magistrate Kelly, who takes such extraordinary pains 
 to promote it, does so solely for political reasons. Oh, 
 my beloved countrymen, when shall we be free from 
 this galling chain? Where is there a lovelier climate? 
 Oh, it galls me to the quick, to think that where God 
 has been so bountiful, man has been so base! We were 
 designed to be a nation we were designed to be happy 
 we are miserable. 
 
 " Gentlemen, I repeat my former statement, this 
 prosecution is almost wholly political. 
 
 "VYhen the learned gentleman had concluded, the 
 
 venerable judge commenced summing up the evidence; 
 
 after which, the jury returned a verdict of guilty: 
 
 whereupon his lordship sentenced the prisoner to 
 
 transportation for life. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVLTL 
 
 * FARE WELL! A LONG FAREWELL!" 
 
 My narrative now draws to a close. After my trial 
 J was conveyed back to prison. 
 
 The Mahons had blotted me out of their recollec 
 tion, and even Mr. Flaunaghan had abandoned me to my 
 fate. The very peasantry, of whom I had so lately been 
 the idol, treated me with equal indifference. Such is 
 popularity! 
 
 On the evening of the second day after my trial, as I 
 was seated in my cell, companioned onlv by my cheer 
 less thoughts, a letter was delivered to rae by the
 
 FAllEWELL ! A LONG FAltEWELL. 125 
 
 jailor. I saw that it was in the handwriting of my 
 first wife; and concluding, that it might bo of a forgiv 
 ing character, I hastily broke it open; but judge of 
 my astonishment when I found that it consisted of 
 only this one sentence! 
 
 "You once called me old you were right, I am old 
 far too old ever to hope to live long enough to wel 
 come your return from transportation ! 
 
 "CATHARINE." 
 
 Oh, woman, woman! what a mystery is that heart of 
 thine! One was enough to set all Troy in flames; can 
 T wonder, then, that two have been my ruin? Who 
 could have believed it possible that a sneer, thrown 
 out in a hasty, thoughtless moment, should lead to 
 such disastrous results ? Well, never again will I ven 
 ture to call a woman old. Henceforth, she shall bloom 
 an evergreen in my speech." 
 
 Scarcely had I recovered from the astonishment into 
 which the perusal of this vindictive communication had 
 thrown me, when the door of my cell was again un 
 locked, and the jailor entered, with the information 
 that a lady was waiting without, who expressed a wish 
 to be admitted into my presence. Pausing for a mo 
 ment, I said, "I can guess who is the applicant, so 
 show her in; she can not possibly treat me worse than 
 her predecessor." 
 
 The man accordingly quitted the room, and in a 
 few minutes returned, leading in my second wife, Mrs. 
 Fitzmaurice. I rose to greet her; Oh, Mr. Fitz 
 O Blarney, how could you have the heart to use me so? 
 Such a wife as I always was to you ! And to think you 
 would run away and leave me with a horrid Irish name 
 that does not belong to either of us!" 
 
 "If you felt so much for me as you say, why did you 
 appear against me?" 
 
 "Because my brother and all Llandwarrys insisted 
 on it I was told that it was the only way I could clear 
 my character in the eyes of the world. 
 
 The attorney, too, kept constantly telling me that if
 
 136 FAREWELL 1 A LONQ FAREWELL. 
 
 I did not come over, the law would compel me to do so. 
 In fact, the whole town cried shame on you! with 
 the exception of the undertaker, who always stood your 
 friend. But I think I can partly guess the reason of 
 that." 
 
 " Pray, come to the point, and tell me the object of 
 this visit." 
 
 " AY^ell, then," rejoined my wife, drawing a small 
 Bible from her pocket, and placing it in my hands, 
 "though I know you think I have come to upbraid 
 you yet, believe me, I came here with the kindest 
 intentions merely to present you with this volume, 
 in the hope that it may be the means of bringing you to 
 a proper sense of your condition. You will do me the 
 justice to remember that I always prophesied ycur ruin. 
 Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! To think that a woman at my time 
 of life should be so situated as scarcely even to know 
 her own name ! In this strain, Mrs. Fitzmaurice con 
 tinued for the best part of half an hour, when our con 
 ference was terminated by the ringing of the prison- 
 bell, which was the signal for the departure of all visit 
 ors, and the locking-up of the jail. 
 
 She moved towards me for the purpose of bidding me 
 farewell; I could see her hand shake, and her counte 
 nance visibly alter. She struggled to conceal her feel 
 ings; but the effort was beyond her power. I could see 
 tears real tears rolling down her cheeks. I tried to 
 speak, but could not; so there I stood, rooted to the 
 floor, with my wife s cold hand fast locked in mine. 
 
 "Come, come," said the jailor, " this will never do. 
 I am sorry for the poor woman, but she must turn out. 
 It s as good as my place is worth, to let her remain here 
 after lock-up hours." 
 
 " Good-by, then," said my wife, " God bless you, I 
 forgive you from the very bottom of my heart;" and so 
 saying, she hurried towards the door; but just as she 
 reached it, stopped, turned once more round, then tore 
 herself away, and the door closed on her forever. 
 It was on a charming summer morning, that the most
 
 FAREWELL 1 A LONG FAREWELL, 127 
 
 aggrieved patriot that ever quitted the Irish shores 
 stepped on board the vessel that was to waft him to a 
 new world. "Oh, Erin!" I exclaimed, I have sacri 
 ficed my all in your behalf; and I am rewarded with 
 banishment. Had I acquired titles, or heaped up 
 riches, you might justly have distrusted my zeal; but 
 I have neither pension nor peerage; nay, I quit your 
 service poorer than when I entered on it. Such was 
 ever the patriot s lot ! Belisarius begged his bread, 
 and I am driven forth to herd with the kangaroos of 
 Australia! But bashfulness first sowed the seeds of my 
 ruin, and patriotism has since reaped the harvest. Ye, 
 whom I may perchance have wronged, be content; ye 
 have now an ample revenge. Ye, who have unques 
 tionably wronged me, be content also; from my inmost 
 soul I forgive you." 
 
 Just as I concluded this touching soliloquy, I cast my 
 eyes toward the shores of my native land, and I felt 
 that I had seen green Erin for the last time. 
 
 The " Bashful Irishman " is concluded; and the auto- 
 biographer himself, his task accomplished, vanishes into 
 thin air. I am now happy as possible for one to be 
 under my present difficulties and can only advise all 
 people to overcome their bashfulness, if they CMJ.
 
 List of Rooks In THE FAVORITE EDITION. 
 \vitli tills Book. Sold by all Dealers. 
 
 Uniform 
 
 No. 
 
 1. At War with Herself. Dora Thorne. 
 
 2. Allan Quartermain. Haggard. 
 
 8. Ac Bay. Alexander. [Albums. 
 
 4. Album Verses for Autograph 
 
 5. Adventures of an Old Maid, (ireene. 
 
 6. Adventures of a Bashful Irishman. 
 T. As in a Looking-Glass. Philips. 
 
 8. Bound by a Spell. Conway. 
 
 9. By Woman s Wit. Mrs. Alexander. 
 
 10. Beaton s Bargain. Mrs. Alexander. 
 
 11. Battle for Bread. Talmage. 
 
 12. Broken Heart, A. Dora Thorne. 
 
 13. Bad Boy at Home, The. Gray. 
 
 14. Bad Boy Abroad, The. Gray. 
 
 15. Bad Boy and his Sister. 
 
 16. Buffalo Bill. Ned Buntline. 
 
 17. Brother against Brother. Mustek. 
 IS. Beyond Pardon. Dora Thorne. 
 
 19. Bright Wedding Day. Dora Thorne. 
 
 20. Broken Wedding Ring. 
 
 21. Crimson Stain. Bradshaw. 
 
 22. Bede s Charity. Stretton. 
 
 23. Called Back. Comvay. 
 
 24. Circumstantial Evidence. Conway. 
 
 25. Cardinal Sin, A. Conway. 
 
 26. Cobwebs and Cables. Stretton. 
 
 27. Dark Days. Conway. 
 
 28. Dawn. Haggard. 
 
 29. Duchess, The. The Duchess." 
 
 80. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 
 
 81. Detective Trio, The. Taylor. 
 32. Dark Marriage Morn, A. 
 
 S3. Dora Thorne. Brame. 
 34. Drops of Blood. Curry. 
 85. Donald Dyke, the Detective. 
 
 36. Dangerous Marriage, A. Fothergill. 
 
 37. Eureka Recitations. 1st Series. 
 
 88. Eureka Recitations. 2d Series. 
 
 89. EastLynne. Wood. 
 
 40. Ed. Sommers, the Detective. 
 
 41. False Vow, The. Dora Thorne. 
 
 42. File No. 115. A Detective Story. 
 
 43. From Out the Gloom. 
 
 44 Fatal Wedding, A. Dora Thorne. 
 
 45. Fallen Idol, A. Anstey. 
 
 46. Family Affair, A. Conway. 
 
 47. Fun for All. Greenway. 
 
 48. Good News. By Jones and Small. 
 
 49. Gipsy Blair, the Detective. 
 
 50. Garfleld, Life and Death of J. A. 
 
 51. Guilty River, A. Collins. 
 
 62. Hilda s Lover. Dora Thorne. 
 
 53. House Party. "Ouicla." 
 
 54. Harry Pinkerton, the Detective. 
 
 55. Her Martyrdom. Dora Thorne. 
 
 56. Her Marriage Vow. Dora Thorne. 
 
 57. Her Second Love. Dora Thorne. 
 
 58. Haunted Chamber. "The Duchess." 
 
 59. History of the U. S. Childs. 
 
 60. Hand-Book of Information. 
 81. In Thraldom. Mead. 
 
 $2. In Prison and Out. Stretton. 
 
 63. Joyful Tidings. Jones and Small. 
 
 64. Jess. Haggard. 
 
 J. S. OGILVIE 
 67 Rose Street, New York; 
 
 No. 
 
 65. Janet s Repentance. Eliot. 
 CO. King Solomon s Mines. Haggard. 
 
 67. Lady Valworth s Diamonds. 
 
 68. Lost and Found. Elmore. 
 
 69. Love s Conflict. Dora Thorn*. 
 
 70. Luke Darby, the Detective. 
 
 71. Lord s Purse-Bearer, The. 
 
 72. Living or Dead. Conway. 
 
 73. Mental Struggle, A. 
 
 74. Mrs. Hopkins on Her Travels. 
 
 75. Mohawks. Braddon. 
 
 76. Miss Jones Quilting. 
 
 77. Merry Men, The. Stevenson. 
 
 78. Me; A companion to "She. 
 
 79. Missing Will, The. Conway. 
 
 80. Married in Haste. Dor?. Thorne. 
 
 81. Midnight Marriage. Holmes. 
 
 82. Macon Moore, the Southern 
 
 Detective. 
 
 83. Modern Circe, A. "Tue Duchess." 
 
 84. Mrs. Rasher s Curtain Lectures. 
 
 85. Not Forsaken. Giberne. 
 
 86. Nellie, the Clockmaker s Daughter 
 
 87. Nancv Hartshorn at Chautauqua. 
 
 88. Ned Bachman, the New Orleani 
 
 Detective. 
 
 89. Ogilvie s Popular Recitations. 
 
 90. Only a "VVoman s Heart. Young. 
 
 91. One against Many. Dora Thorue. 
 
 92. Ostler Joe and other Recitations. 
 
 93. One Thousand Popular Quotations 
 
 94. Phil Scott, the Detective. 
 
 95. Pomfret Mystery, The 
 
 96. People s Etiquette Book. The. 
 
 97. People s Cook Book. The. 
 
 98. Paradise Almost Lost. Shaw. 
 
 99. Perdita. Ella Wheeler Wilcox. 
 
 100. Repented at Leisure. 
 
 101. Slings and Arrows. Conway. 
 
 102. Story of a Sculptor. Conway. 
 
 103. Secrets of Success. Donovan. 
 
 104. "She." Haggard. 
 
 105. Sunshine and Roses. 
 
 106. Seven Days in a Pullman Car. 
 
 107. Sheer Off. A. L. O. E. 
 
 108. Sketches from "Texas Sittings." 
 
 109. Shadowed by a Detective. 
 
 110. Ten Days with D. L. Moody. 
 
 111. Tale of Three Lions, A. Haggard. 
 
 112. Thorns and Orange Blossoms. 
 
 113. Two Thousand Funny Things. 
 
 114. Twelve Complete Stories. 
 
 115. Three Thousand Things Worth 
 
 Knowing. [Reading-. 
 
 116. Two Hundred Recitations a1 
 
 117. Vice Versa. Anstey. 
 
 118. Witch s Head, The. Haggard. 
 
 119. Wedding Ring, The. Talmage. 
 
 120. Wife s Honor, A. Young. 
 
 121. Woman s Vengeance, A. Holmel 
 
 122. W T oman Against Woman. " 
 
 123. Wedded and Parted. 
 
 124. Wife in Name Only. 
 
 125. Woman s Temptation, A. 
 
 Publisher f 
 Wabash Avenue, Chicago*
 
 THE FAVORITJE EDITION Continued. 
 
 1*4. WIFE IN NAME ONLY By "Author of Dora Thome." 
 
 1^5. WOMAN S TEMPTATION, A By "Author of Dora Thome." 
 
 126. WOMAN: HER POWER AND PRIVILEGES By Rev. T. DeWitt Talmage. 
 
 127. NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD.. By Prof. II. Drummond. 
 
 128. DAVID COPPERFIELD. Vol.1 By Charles Dickens. 
 
 129 DAVID COPPERFIELD Vol. 2 By Charles Dickens. 
 
 130. MONA S CHOICE By Mrs. Alexander. 
 
 131. CELL 13 By Edwin H. Trafton. 
 
 132. A LIFE INTEREST By Mrs. Alexander. 
 
 133. FOR HIS BROTHER S SAKS. By a Popular Author. 
 
 134. A WOMAN S FACE ,.. By Florence Warden. 
 
 133. A YOUNG VAGABOND ,.., By Z. R. Bennett. 
 
 136. MR. MEESON S WILL By H. Rider Haggard. 
 
 13?. THE LAMPLIGHTER , By Maria S. Cummins. 
 
 138. UNDER-CURRENTS By "The Duchess." 
 
 139. MISS BRETHERTON By Author of " Robert Elsmere." 
 
 140. THE WORLD OF CANT A Companion Book to Robert Elsmere." 
 
 141. DOCTOR GLENNIE S DAUGHTER By B. L. Farieon. 
 
 142. TOM BROWN S SCHOOL DAYS AT RUGBY By Thomas Hughes. 
 
 143. THE MYSTERIOUS. ISLAND By Jules Verne 
 
 144. GRIMM S FAIRY TALES. 
 
 145. TOUR OF THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS By Jules Verne. 
 
 146. 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA By Jules Verne. 
 
 147. GULLIVER S TRAVELS By Dean Swift. 
 
 148. PILGRIM S PROGRESS, Illustrated ByBunyan. 
 
 149. THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON. 
 
 150. ROBINSON CRUSOE By Daniel Defoe . 
 
 151. AESOP S FABLES, 100 Illustrations. 
 
 152. HANS ANDERSEN S FAIRY TALES. 150 Illustrations. 
 
 153. THE ARABIAN NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS. 
 
 154. THROWN ON THE WORLD By " Author of Dora Thorne." 
 
 155. TWO FAIR WOMEN By "Author of Dora Thorne." 
 
 156. A HEART S IDOL By "Author of Dora Thorne." 
 
 157. THE DUKE S SECRET By "Author of Dora Thorne." 
 
 158. ONE HUNDRED PRIZE DINNERS: How to Provide a Dinner for Four 
 
 159. ADVENTURES OF MISS VOLNEY By Ella Wheeler Wilcoi. 
 
 160. A CLOSE CALL By J. L. Berry. 
 
 161. A DOUBLE LOVE By Olive P. Fairchild. 
 
 162. MYSTERY OF A HANSOM CAB by Fergus W. Hume. 
 
 163. PLAYING WITH FIRE By Gay Parker. 
 
 164. MR. PERKINS OF NEW JERSEY By Gay Parker. 
 
 165. MADAME MIDAS By Fergus W. Hume. 
 
 166. A MILLIONAIRE S FOLLY By "Le Jemlys." 
 
 167. THE TRAIL OF THE BARROW By James Mooney. 
 
 168. FIFTEEN DETECTIVE STORIES By Police Captains of New York. 
 
 169. IVANHOE By Sir Walter Scott. 
 
 170. ROBERT ELSMERE, VOL. 1 By Mrs. Humphry Ward . 
 
 171. ROBERT ELSMERE, VOL. 2 By Mrs. Humphry Ward. 
 
 172. THE STORY OF AN AFRICAN FARM By Ralph Iron . 
 
 173. POEMS By "The Long Island Farmer Poet." 
 
 174. FROM FARM BOY TO SENATOR By Horatio Alger, Jr. 
 
 175. CLEOPATRA By H. Rider Haggard. 
 
 176. CHILD S HISTORY OF ENGLAND By Charles Dickens. 
 
 177. LAST DAYS OF POMPEII By Bulwer. 
 
 178 A CROOKED PATH By Mrs. Alexander. 
 
 179 THADDEUS OF WARSAW By Jane Porter. 
 
 180 FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON , , , By Jule* Vera*
 
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