ISl m lifornia jpnal ttv 22$"?) f C /A . s*rk "AUNT RUTH," THE OLD MAID. OF AN OLD MAID. BY AUNT RUTH. BELLE C. GREENE, Author of "A New England Conscience? Dedicated in grateful acknowledgment to my first literary friend, through whose kind encouragement these sketches were written. THE AUTHOR. J. S. OGILVIE, PUBLISHER. 57 Rose Street, New York ; Wabash Avenue, Chicag-o. F Ale CONTENTS. PAGI /fle Old Maid goes to Boston and rides with the Coal-Man 7 The Mind Cure 15 Her Experience in Palmistry 25 Poor Aunt Betsy 34 She finds the Coal-Man 41 Writing for the Newspapers 54 She goes to " the German". 63 The Story of " Harnsome Mariar" 69 A Hotel Experience 80 The Newfangled School 88 She goes to the Dentist 99 The School of Philosophy 105 The Deacon s Wife Speaks 113 Modern Improvements 119 Mutual Life Insurance 130 High Art and Esthetics I4t She goes West in the Sleeping-Car The Punkin-Sifter Man 156 In Chicago -....- 168 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. THE OLD MAID GOES TO BOSTON AND RIDES WITH THE COAL-MAN. While I was visitin my niece, she that was Araminty Smith, I took a notion I d go to Bos ton. It wa n t only a couple of hours ride in the cars, and I had some shoppin I wanted to dew. There was several things I wanted to git ; a new cloak for one thing. You see, I d wore my cloak goin on seven year, and mother d give me the money a purpose to buy me a harnsome one. Then I meant to git some little presents for the children ; they don t keep much sortment in Crabtown. Wall, I didn t meet with no accidents on the way, and got into town quite early in the fore noon. I thought I d buy the presents for the children fust, so I went to one or two big toy-shops, where I fooled away more money than I dare to tell on ; though I found out my extravagance wa n t nothin compared to some o them rich folks es. They d hand out their fifteen or twenty dollars for them toy things, and drive away in their ker- ridges as carm as you please. Lawful rakes ! don t it seem dowricfct wicked to throw 8 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. away money so, when lots o folks are sufferin for bread to eat ! I was pretty busy till long after my usual din ner time, and I begun to feel tired and faint, so I looked up a place where I thought I could git a comfortable meal o vittles and went in and set ;O\vn. As long as I didn t come to Boston every ay, I meant to have a nice dinner and take my time eatin it, so s to git a good rest. I took up the book on the table that tells what you can have and how much to pay for each thing, and begun to look it over. Pretty soon up steps a tidy-lookin young girl and says to me, "What ll you have to-day, madam?" says she. "Wall, I dunno," says I, smilin ; " I hain t read tfie book through yet, and hain t made up my mind." She says, "To-day is Friday, and you can have any kind o fish we have biled dish, too ; biled dish twenty cents," and she pinted it out to me on the book. " Lawful sakes !" says I, " dew tell if you ha~,^ biled dish here ! Ketch me eatin biled dish , Boston ! I can git plenty o that to home !" <. r! I laughed well. She laughed too, but I thought I wo a::;",; hender her no longer, so I said, " Wall, now you re here, I might as wd! set\> onto somethin ; sposin I have a " , harlot::- Riisse ?" I couldn t pronounce it, but I phite.J it out to her ! " Oh yes," said she, " but what else T ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 9 "Wall," said I, "that depends on how big a "Charlotte what-ye-may-call-it is. If it s as big as a biled dish, I shan t want much of anything else, only a cup o tea or so." " But, madam," said she, " Charlotte Roosh is a desert dish sort of a cake ye know, and ladies generally want somethin else fust at din- nc"" " Is that so ?" said I. Wall, then, give me some Sobster salud I s pose that s made out o lob ster, and I m awful fond of lobster; and wall, I don t see it on the book but can t ye give me a pertater, and a slice o cold meat to go with it, for substanshul, ye know ? Them other things I want ter try, jest to see what they be. Oh, and give me a good strong cup o Young Hyson, won t ye ? That ll rest me more n anything else." She seemed like a real good-natered girl ; she went off smilin , and it wa n t long fore she brought all the things, and they was nice too, though I must say I didn t think that Charlotte Roosh thing was any great shakes, after all. Nothin in the world but cake with custard inside on t. But, on the whole, I had a good dinner and f elt the better for t. I told the girl where I lived when I was to home, and asked her to call and see me if she ever come my way, and she said she would. I got everything I meant to buy before dinner, all but my cloak, and I thought I d go to Holton and Maxey s for that. They d jest had their store all repaired over, and I knew it would be wuth seein . Wall, I went in and looked round a spell down stairs, then I asked a clerk to show me where I IO ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. could find a harnsome cloak. He pinted to some stairs, and I went up em, and come to another floor where there was a number of different rooms. The fust was a bunnit room, and I got quite interested seein the ladies try on bunnits ; sech harnsome ones they was ! But they don t let ye alone long in them stores, and pretty soon a girl comes up and says to me, " Do you wish to look at bunnits ?" " No, I don t," says I. " I want to buy me a cloak, if you ve got any." She pinted ahead to another room and I passed on. That room was full o dresses, all made. Some on em was stun- nin tew. I tell ye I felt kinder out o place in my clo es ; they seemed so different, somehow. Wall, I went through a good many rooms in this way, but I didn t see no signs of any cloaks, and I begun to git tired and out o patience. Finally, I walks up to a man and says I, "Mister, I ve been handed round from pillar to post bout long enough ; now, if there s any place here where I can buy a cloak, I ll be obleeged to ye if you ll show me right where tis." He pinted ahead, as all the rest had done, and says he, " Fust door to the right." I found a little room all furnished nice like a parlor, and not a livin soul in it. I s posed the cloak room must be nigh, but I thought I d set down and rest a minute, and I declare, if 1 didn t drop to sleep ! And the fust thing I knew a young lady was shakin me by the arm like all possesst. I opened my eyes, and when I d corne ro my senses a little I spoke up, and says I, ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MATD. II " "V oung woman, don t be so rough. I didn t mean to go to sleep in here ; but there ain t no harm done, I guess." "This isn t the lady s waitin -room, I d have ye know," says she, short as pie-crust. " I m glad to hear it," says I, "for I begun ter think they was all waitin -rooms, and I ve waited long enough. I wan ter see some cloaks now, and I want you to show em to me." So she did, and I got me a beauty, at a bargin tew, but it took every cent o money I had left. I didn t care as long s I had my return ticket all right, and I felt as if I d spent enough for one day more n what I ought ter. When I come out o Holton and Maxey s, I looked at the clock and it said quarter of five, and the train left at five o clock. " No time to spare," thinks I to myself. " Goodness gracious me, what if I should git left ! What would become o me, here all alone in this great city, without a cent o money to pay for a night s lodgin ?" I looked up street for an omnibus or car, but I declare for t, if they wa n t every one on em goin the wrong way ! I begun to feel narvous, I tell ye. I asked a perliceman what I should dew, and he said, " Wall, mum, you could take a coach." But there wa n t no coaches nothin but omni buses and cars, and, as I said afore, all goin the wrong way. I started and run as fast as I could with my arms full o bundles, jogglin in and out among the crowd, sometimes on the sidewalk and sometimes in the road. I kep an eye out, hopin every minute that some kind of a wagon might come along that would take me in. J2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Wall, I run and run, till I got somewheres near the place to turn off Washin ton Street, and then I inquired the way and struggled on, par.tin and out o breath. Finally, when I was clean beat out, and was makin up my mind to go back and ask a perliceman to take me to the lobby and lock me up safe for the night, I spied a man on a coal-cart joggin along peaceful as could be behind an old white horse, and lookin as if he wa n t in any hurry if the rest o the world was. I didn t stop to think all this then, though, you d better believe, but I rushed right out inter the street, front of him, as he come up, and waved my bundles and swung my umbrell round like mad ! The old horse stopped short of his own accord, and the man on the seat dropped his hands in his lap, and opened his mouth and stared at me, but he never said a word. I clambered up onto the seat beside of him, as well as I could, alone he didn t lift a finger to help me and grabbed the reins and whipped up the old horse into a smart gallop. Then the man seemed to come to his senses a Httle. He took the reins away from me and made as if he was goin to stop. " Old lady," says he, "you git out o this." " Oh, no ; I can t," says I, givin the old horse a crack with the whip that made her jump so that we both almost fell over back ards into the cart. "Oh no," says I, "I must git to the depot, and you must take me there !" I looked him right in the face an appealed to his feelin s. (He was a good, honest-lookin ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 3 feller.) "Young man," said I, "have you a mother ?" Then I told him my perdickerment and all about it, as well as I could for the joun- cin up and down, and the holdin on. You see the seat wa n t nothin but a loose board laid acrost the top o the cart, and I was in mortal fear o my life every minute. And oh, the noise we made rattlin over the stunny pavements in that empty cart ! A whole Fourth o July slam- bang company wouldn t a been a circumstance tew it ! Howsomever, I said to him as loud s I could scream, and he seemed to sense it, " I am left here alone in this strange city, and if you ll get me to the five-o clock train in season (it s the last train I can go on) you shall be rewarded, amply rewarded, young man !" It takes a good while to tell this, but it all happened in less than fifteen minutes ; for we drove up to the depot jest in season, and not one minute tew soon nuther The bell was ringin and the train was on the pint o startin . I took out my puss and wall then it all come over me in a flash how I had swindled that young man. " I don t s pose you ll believe it," I gasped out, " but I forgot actewally forgot that I hadn t a cent o money left ! Your address your name, and where do you live ? I will send the money !" He seemed stunned agin jest as he was at fust ; and I, feelin that I hadn t a second to lose, run for the cars, and he started after me, though he hadn t spoke a word. Jest as the conductor was haulin me up onto T4 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. the platform (for the train was s .artm ), he foui.d his voice and yelled out a name, and street, and number ; and I heard it as plain as I ever heard anything in my life, and I sollemly meant to re member it, and send him a harnsome present as quick as I got home ; but the conductor spoke to me ruther sharp, asked me if I vva n t ashamed o myself "gittin onter the cars in that shape, and runnin such resks ?" And I had ter explain tew him that I was anxiuus to go on that train, for certain reasons, and so ^n. T^e minute he left me, I got out my pencil to writ :, down that ad dress, -and as I m a livin womar I co ildn t re member the fust word Ou t ! i tried and tried, but it wa n t no kind o use , and I never have been able ter recall it from that day to this ! I hain t been to Boston sence, but I believe I shall go a purpose to hunt up thzt poor young man. I should knew hirv s^wheres the minute 1 set eyes ot> him ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. THE MIND CURE. Of all the cures that ever I heard of, this ere mind cure" beats the lot ! I don t hardly know what to make on t ; yet I am alwers open to con viction, and when I see anything good com- plished by any manner o means, I am willin to give it credit. The most I can say for it, and the least, perhaps, is, that I shouldn t wonder if the mind cure was jest like the water cure, or the grape cure, or any other cure ; good in some cases and for some dizeases, and crood for nothin in others. But they claim these metafysicians do, as the mind-cure folks call themselves that when everybody fully understands and believes their doctrines, sickness and dizease will be conquered. And I guess that s a safe enough thing to say ; for I ve read their books faithful, and heard em lectur and talk a good deal, and done my best to understand em, and I ve come to the conclusion that three quarters on t is sheer nonsense a jum ble o words, nothin more. Some o their books I dew think you might as well read back ards as for ards, for all sense they make ! And right here I m goin to stop and make a plee for plain, simple talk and simple writin . Why can t folks express themselves so "s their feller mortals can understand ? Why can t they remember that simplicity is one o the vartues and necessit tides o life ? 1 6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLJ? MAID. Fine language is like these ere French dishes at the fust-class hotels : the origins! flavor of the vittles is spil t and lost in the condyments and in- gregiences that they fix em up in. The conse quents is, nobody with a nateral, healthy appertite enjoys em. Oh, my friends, dew give us plain vittles and plain English ! The majority orter rule in them things as well as in polyticks, and the majority sartinly dew like plain vittles and plain talk ; if they don t, they orter, anyway. But, as I was sayin , it ll proba ly be a good while fore the world will fully understand and dopt the doctrin s of the metafysicians, and in the mean time folks will be sick bout the same a? ever. Some will git well o their own accord, or in the course o natur without doctors and medi cine, and some 11 git well in spite o doctors and medicine, if their constitootions is strong enough. Others will alwers believe they owe their lives to the mind cure, or some other cure feel better ter dew so, you know. I guess it s well enough when anybody s sick to have a doctor, or try y " cure" of some kind. It s a comfort and releef don t you think so ? It s astonishin how tached folks git to theit old family doctor ! Mother often says she couldn t die without our Doctor Bonder ; and when he went away on his trip to Californy, she declared she wouldn t be sick while he was gone, for there wa n t another doctor "she d have to a cat !" And she kep her word, and was real smart till the day after he got home. Then she was took down with an awful tack o newralgy, and sent off for him, post haste. But as true s you live, she was ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. I 7 so excited and pleased at the thought o seem him agin, that her nevvralgy all left her fore he got his horse hitched. And when he come in and shook hands and asked her how she did, she told him she was "right smart," and he said, how " she looked as bright and harnsome as a young girl." Then he begun to tell us about his travels, what he see, and so on, and afterwards he stopped to tea. But mother s nevvralgy didn t occur to her at all, till after he d gone away ; then all to once she remembered and seemed kinder cut up about it. She s been sick a good many times sence, but she hain t had no more nevvralgy. Wall, there ! I never thought on t before, but wa n t that a clear case o mind cure ? Of course it was ! But now, if she d had a bile on the back of her neck, I don t sp os e the doctor s visit would a made much difference, do you ? I guess like enough she d had ter polticed it some. They pertend to say that there ain t no sech thing in reality as pizen or any other substance that 11 kill, unless you re a min ter let it. But I was readin the other day about a case that oc curred in one o these ere metafysician s own fam ilies. One o the children swallowed a dose o pizen by mistake, and what did they dew ? Same s anybody else would. They give her an emetick and sent off for a stummick pump ! Didn t wait to try no mind cure, nor preach no filosofy ! I guess they nateraily argered that it was best to be on the safe side in sech a case, don t you ? Did I ever tell you about Aunt Polly Davis s experience with em ? She d suffered for years from rheumatiz, and i8 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. finally it seemed to settle mostly into one c> her legs, so she couldn t get round the house at all, nor take a step without it s most killin her. But Aunt Polly she s got an awful sight o grit, and she wouldn t give up and be a helpless, good-for- nothin creatur , even then, but insisted on tryin to walk some every day, and Uncle Biar (that s her husband) got her one o these ere rollin chairs, so that with the help o the hired girl she could go out-doors and get the fresh air. She used to enjoy life more n some well folks, for she \vas real good company, and wherever she went there was alwers somebody ready to go along with her, or set down and talk when she got ready to stop. All the young folks liked her, and thought it was a great treat to spend an afternoon at her house. Sometimes she d let em " lay over " her burow drawers and boxes, and she alwers give em some trinket or other to carry home. Yes, everybody liked her and everybody felt bout as sorry for her as if she belonged to their own folks ; so, naterally, when that mind-cure doctor come to town and begun to create a fury, they was for havin Aunt Polly try her. Aunt Polly s sharp and keen in her intellecks she s well edicated, too ; kep the deestrick school for years fore she was married, and you can t humbug her more n you could Mount Monad- nock, not a mite ! Wall, when the Square s wife come to her and told her how the new doctor had cured Seliny Watkins, and a nuniber of others, Aunt Polly taugfied, and says she, - There wan t aothin the matter with ary one ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. IC> on em. Seliny was the wust, and all t!v2f ailded her was hypo. There s a difference betwixt hypo and rheumatiz," says Aunt Polly. My dizease ain t in my mind ; it s in my leg. Do you s pose any mental workin s isagoin to give me a sound lim ? Nonsense !" says she. " Wall, try her, anyway," says the Square s wife. " She won t dew ye no hurt, and she may dew ye some good." " All right ; fetch her along !" says Aunt Polly. So the very next day they sent her over. Her name was wall, I guess I won t tell hei name but she was acuris-lookin woman ; nobody ever looked like her. She was kinder fat and flabby and pale, even her lips was white ; but her eyes was the queerest. When she once looked at you, they seemed to fasten on and burn and bore into ye, as it were. And she dressed herself up to look as bad as she could, convenient, Fat as she was, she wore a garry-baldy waist, and a short skirt half-way up to her knees. Said she wore it for " convenyence and comfort." And we found out she didn t eat much of anything ; lived on speritual food and Graham crackers, mostly. She said she expected ter get so s she could live without eatin 1 at all, sometime throw off the "material body" and its wants altogether. Aunt Polly said afterwards that " as long s she was in the body she thought she orter tend tew it, for looks sake, if not h in more. She did look like the Old Harry." She had a pleasant way enough with her ; and when she come and set down side of Aunt Polly, 20 ADVEN1UKZ.S Or AN OLD MAID. so kinder home-like and quiet, she didn t mind the garry-baldy, nor the borin eyes. She showed her her lim , all swelled up, and out o shape and angry, and says she, "There ! that s a pretty-lookin lim , ain t it ?" The doctor sighed real pitiful. " It is very bad in your belief certainly," she said. " In my belief !" says Aunt Polly. " In your belief too, ain t it ? You ve got eyes you see for yourself ! My belief !" says Aunt Polly, most a good min ter be mad. " My friend," says the doctor, " real soothin," let me tell you, to begin with, that we deny the existence of dizease except in the perverted minds of deluded men and women. There is no dizease there," pintin to the lim . " We deny it." She spoke very firm an begun to bore with her eyes. Aunt Polly laughed. " I s posp if you should tell me there wa n t no nose on your face, you d expect me to believe it ?" she says, sarkastic. Aunt Polly didn t mean nothin special, but the doctor woman had an awful big, fat, round nose like Fredriky Breemer s in the picter, ye know. She clapped her hand over her nose and colored up red s a beet. Aunt Polly knew then that her nose was her sensitive pint. Funny, wa n t it ? "I beg pardon," says Aunt Polly, " I didn t mean ter say nothin per sonal." " These things must be speritually dizerned, my friend," says the doctor, recoverin her dignerty. " Will you now, for a few minutes, try to forgit your body and give your mind to what I shall say ?" ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 21 She looked at Aunt Polly in her queer way, and Aunt Polly says, " Why, yes, I.dunno 1 but what I will though the facts remain here they be. Here s my lim jest as it is, an here s your n I mean here s Square Jones s barn (look- in out o the winder). They dew exist. You can t wipe em out, if you dew forgit em !" " I want you to try ter see that the mind is in finitely sooperior to the body the body is only its slave and subordinate." " I should say," speaks up Aunt Polly, " that with a good many folks the body was the main part. I know some that hain t got mind enough ter keep em out o mischief when " Iwant you to think of man as he should be as God made him," says the doctor. " Oh," says Aunt Polly, " it s a good while sence he was made. We re all in a state o sin and misery now, you know. I guess thinkin we re different won t make us so ; we ll have to take folks as they be." " Well, take em as they be !" answers the doctor, a little grain out o patience. " Ain t it pleasa nter to think of your sperit than of your body ? Your sperit, which is a part of God is God, with whom dizease or evil of any kind can not exist and don t you see that if you are a part of God no dizease can really exist with you ? : " No, I don t see no sech thing ! God give us bodies, and I think s likely they was well enough to begin with ; but they didn t stay so long, and they ain t now that is, some on em." The doctor hove a deep sigh. " I see I can not do much for you at present," she said ; " but 22 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. possibly if you could come to the meetin to night, you might git started in the right direc tion." " If other folks can believe they are well when they ain t, I can," says Aunt Polly, " and I mean to give the thing a thorough trial. I ll go to the meetin , I ll be there," says Aunt Polly. The doctor smiled encouragin . " You are on the right track already, my friend," she said, and went away. That night they wheeled Aunt Polly to the town-hall in her chair, and carried her up the stairs in their arms. The two mind-cure women come along up at the same time, and one on em spoke and says, "If you will, you can walk down, a whole woman !" " P raps I can," mutters Aunt Polly, shettin her teeth together. Well, they said about the same things that she d heard, and told over a good many wonder ful cures that had been performed. Though they seemed to think the mind was all that needed curin . Aunt Polly was all worked up to the highest pitch when they got through. She remembered the years she had been in torment with her rheumatiz, and all the time givin herself credit for throwin it off oncommon well ; and now to be told that there wa n t no need of all that grit and endurance she couldn t stan it ! She speaks up, arid says she to the women, " You see me when I was brought up them stairs to-night ?" They nodded " We did ; and ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 23 a very bad way you was in too in belief." " And," continues Aunt Polly " you mean ter say that I can walk down them stairs, and walk home if I only believe I can, and will ter dew it strong enough ?" "There is no doubt on t," they answers carmly. " TJien I will, if I break my neck T says Aunt Polly. The doctors looked kinder oneasy, and all the nabors gethered round and begged on her not to do sech a foolish thing, and resk her life, but her spunk was up. " You heard them cases they told about wuss than mine they was ? Wall, what they did I can do, and I will. Don t tech me and don t hen- der me ! My mind s made up !" Her hired girl flew out to get Uncle Biar to come and forbid her or stop her somehow ; but la ! you might as well tried ter hender chain lightnin ! She riz up and hobbled out quite smart to the head o the stairs, and then with her teeth shet firm together, and an awful look in her eyes, and with us all a watchin and holdin our breath, not darin to touch her, she actewally steps off from the broad top stair and Wall, Uncle Biar got there jest in time to pick her up, at the bottom o the stairs, where she tumbled and lay all in a bruised, senseless heap ! And her well leg was broke ! They took her home and put her to bed, and \ve all expected to lose Aunt Polly sure. In the rnornin the mind-cure women wa n t to be found. They had disappeared left town. But I w r on t keep you in suspense. Aunt Polly didn t die. 24 ADVE<\ T TURES OF AN OLD MAID. She laid there, I don t know how many weeks ; and when her broken lim got well s the other one was well too ! And she hain t never had no more rheumatiz from that day ter this ! She don t lay up nothin aginst the mind-euro folks ; she says they cured her, after al) ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. HER EXPERIENCE IN PALMISTRY. They call it " Parmistry" now-days, and speak on t as an " occult sience," and so on ; but tain t nothin in the world but jest tellin fortunes by the lines o the hands. We didn t use to calkerlate that anybody knew much about it but " hory sages" and gipsies, but now it s all the rage among fashnerble people and respectable folks, same s paintin on chiny or Kensin ton embroidery, you know. When I was down to the beach long with my niece she that was Araminty Smith every- body was chuckin full on t ; it did beat all ! The young fellers went into t head fust. It give em such a good chance to hold the girls hands, and look into their eyes, and dew a good many things they couldn t no other way. And the girls, they was glad o the excuse to say disagreeable things to them they had a spite aginst, and to make love in an underhanded way, as ye might say, to the young men they liked the looks on. There was one harnsome, black-eyed girl to the hotel where we stopped, that knew more about it than all the rest of em put together. They called her the " Gipsy Queen," and every evenin when we was all down in the parlors, there d be a crowd round her, havin their for tunes told. It was curis to hear her go on ; ruther onpleasant too, sometimes. She had sech a way 26 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. o huntin out a person s weak pints, and holdin em up for the rest to laugh at. But, after all, she ,vas good-natered about it ; and as she sarved us pretty much alike, nobody thought o gittin mad at her. Wall, after we got home, Minty and me, we continered to think o the subjeck, and finally we took a notion we d study up so we could tell for tunes ourselves. We went on and ransacked the bookstores and libries from one end ter t other; and we examined and studied the hands of all the members o the family, till the) was com pletely wore out. Jack that s Minty s husband said how his n was paralized. Jack had an oncommon good hand to study, bein s the lines was so clear and deep, and sech a lot on em. He said w^ d found everything there, "from a large family o children to a sea voyage everything but a five-dollar bill." When we d worked ourselves into quite an ex citement over it, and our resorces was pretty nigh exhausted, Jack he come to the rescue, as it were. One day he come luggin along in to the room where we set the biggest book I ever see ! He laid it down onto the table as careful as if it had been so much gold. " There, girls," says he, "if you must study the black arts, you d better go to the founting head. You see this ere book ? Wall, here s the hull thing ! Now I advise you to set right down teu it and make yourselves comf terble. And mind, hereafter I want you to let me alone." Minty dropped on her knees before the mon strous volyume and looked at the 1 title-page. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 27 " Why, Aunt Ruth !" she said, "it s over two hundred years old! Think of it ! And, oh clear me, do look at all the queer diergrams and things ! How on airth did you git hold o sech a treasure, Jack?" " Money fetched it," said he, laughin . " I paid a dollar for every year, and more too. All I hope is, that you ll git the vally o the money out on t !" And he shrugged up his shoulders and went off laughin . Wall, I don t s pose it was no more nor less n idolatry the way we acted with that old book. One or t other on us was on our bended knees afore it the biggest part o the time. But it was dretful hard gittin anything practikle out on t, because the writer seemed to be oneo them prosy, long-winded fellers that never says anything right straight out, nor comes to the pint less they re bliged tew. So we had to wade through oceans o words to git a single idee. It was all spelt with long s s too. I must say, I think there s been improvements in the art o rpellin , if in nothin else. Our forefathers was awful shifless bout some things ! However, we managed to git a good deal that was new and curis, that we couldn t probably a found anywheres else. I s pose that s what made the book wuth so much though Jack says now-days anything two hundred years old is wuth its weight in gold, except old maids, and them don t fetch half-price. Wall, when we d got the "mounts" and " lines" and things pretty well fixed in our heads, we be gun to be crazy to tell everybody s fortune. Our washvvoman was one o the fust subjecks 28 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD we lited on to. She took her great hand out o the tub and held it up to us drippin with suds, as tickled as could be to have her fortune told. There s nothin more univarsal than the desire to know the futur , is there ? Biddy s hand was a sight to see ; as red as a piece o beef, and all scarred and seamed ! There was holes on the back that the rats gnawed when she was comin over from Ireland in the steerage. One finger had been took off by a machine, and the rest was all drawed out o shape with rheu- matiz. It didn t take no sience nor book larnin to tell that poor Biddy s lot had been a hard one. But she asked the same question they all do, in variable. " Shall I live long?" says she. " I should like ter live long, mum," lookin up into my face, wistful and confidin as a child. She had lived long a ready She was in her sixty-fifth year, but bein s sne s perfectly well, and tough as an ox, she bids fair to live many a year longer. So I says, " Cordin to all pearances, Biddy, you ll live forever." "An is it rich I m goin to be?" she asked next, just as they all do. " I don t see no legacies nowheres/ says I ; " but you ll never want for bread." " Ligacies, is it?" she repeated, with a broad grin. " Sure an I ve had me ligacy ! Didn t Mary Mulrooney lave me the ilcgant warmin - pan ? Wait, now, till I tell ye how* it was. When I went to borry it of her the last time, she was mad, and she says ter me, Biddy Sullivan. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. 2$ it s tired o lindin I am, intirely ! Kape the long- handled thing now, till I call for it, says she. "And whin I heard she was dead the other day, I claps me ould man on the back, and says I, Mike, she ll niver call for the warmin -pan now! says I. Thrue for you/ says he, it s a ligacy ! That same was his very word. But go on with the fortune, mum." "Oh, you have a good heart-line, and a fair head-line, and your last days will be your best," says I, glib as a poll-parrot. " Glory be to God for that, mum !" says Biddy, fervent as a Methodist meetin . " What with Mike s batin s, whin he s in the dhrink, and me pinin for the fine litter o pigs gone from us in the spring, it s nade enough I have o better times ; it is indade !" and a big tear or two fell into the wash-tub. It s curis, but everybody wants fortune to bring em somethin they hain t got and can t have. Them that hain t no children are dretful anxious to find them in their hands. The poor want legacies and riches ; fools want honors ; and cut- and-dried old maids that all the signs in the Zodiack couldn t alter they want husbands. And, funniest of all, married folks are dyin to have you say they re goin to be widders or wid- derrers pretty soon ! And when you tell em they ll probably enjoy a good many years with their present pardners, they don t, as a gineral thing, look quite happy. Minty s minister is a good man, but awful sot and old-fashioned in his notions, and he wants everybody to think jest as he does. 3O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Now I like these ere old-fashioned folks, my self, and hain t a word to say aginst em, only I dew believe most on em have weak spots, jest the same as other folks. Minty s minister had, and I must say I was sorry to have a hand in findin em out. You see, somebody d told him how carried away we was on the subjeck o Parmistry, and about our old book, and so on, and what does he dew but come right over to set us right. He spoke out very severe ; said how t he was " sorry to see any o his flock spendin their airthly probation in such friverlous, not to say wicked, pursoots," and he wound up as follers : " Fortune-tellin , my dear ladies, is no more nor less than a silly humbug, by which only the ignorant and superstitious should be took in," etc., etc. Yes, sir, I know," says Minty, lookin up at him with her great eyes, humble and respeckful as could be, " of course nobody would expect you to take any stock in it ; we don t really, but it is curis and amusin sometimes." She turned her face up to his, innercent as a baby, and took hold o one of his white hands, and looked at it kinder absent like, then turned it over and looked agin at the palm. He had known her ever sence she was a baby, and he was old enough to be her par ; so now he smiled down onto her, indulgent but very soo- perior. " What nice hands !" says Minty ; " long, taper- in fingers hands o the highest order, cordin to the old book, Aunt Ruth." ADVENTURES OF AN OLf> MAID 3 1 " Yes," says I, dravvin my chair up along-side, " and he s got a double line o life, Minty Smith ! The fust one I ever see !" "And what might a double line o life be, and what does it portend ?" he asked, sarcastick and grand as the Great Mogul. " Oh," says Minty, follerin it out with her ringer, "that s it, and it means everything good and great !" " And then," she goes on gushin , " your head-line is wonderful deep and clear, and your heart-line oh, dear ! it must be tryin for a minis ter of the Gospil to be sech a favorite with the ladies!" She sighed and looked at him admir- in ly. " Come, come !" laughed the minister, givin up both his hands to her and settlin back com fortable in his chair. "It is amusin that is, rarther for anything so foolish, you know. You may go on, my child." Then she told him a good deal that tickled and flattered him mitily. So fur it was all favor able. But all of a suddin Minty give a little scream and dropped his hand. " Was you ever drownded? Oh dear! I beg pardon ; of course you never was ! But didn t you never fall into the water nor nothin ." " Never !" says the minister, lookin wild and settin bolt upright in his chair. " What dew you mean, child ?" Minty looked distressed, but she didn t answer. " What do you see ? or what do you think you see ?" asked the minister. Minty laughed kinder histerikle. " Pshaw !" 32 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. she says, " of course there ain t nothin in it, no way." Certainly not of course not ; but perceed," he said, tryin to smile. " I assure you I find it very amusin very much so, indeed." " But it ain t exactly funny or wouldn t be if it was true," said Minty. "See here !" and, turnin to a diergram in the old book, she showed him where the tips of the fingers was, full of wavy little lines ; and, sure enough, there, on every finger of the minister s hand, was jest the same lines, as plain as day, and it said in the book that sech signs meant dangers by water, or deatJi by drowniri . The minister laughed a feeble little laugh and picked up his hat to go. " Curis, very curis, certainly," he said, "but foolish." " I s pose it is." said Minty, most a cryin ; but if I was you, I d keep away from the water. Don t never go nigh it, will you ?" " Our lives are in the Lord s hands," he an swered, very sollum. " Yes, but you ll be safest on dry land," said Minty, and he went away. Now, sot as he was, strong in doctrine and in intelleck as he was, he had his weak spot, didn t he ? And he ll be afraid o the water as long as he lives ! He even went so fur as to have an artificial pond on his grounds filled up. Said how t " standin water wa n t helthy ;" and when his socierty offered him a vacation and money to pay his expenses to go to Europe, he took the vaca- ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. $* tion and the money, but his physician didn t think a sea-voyage would be beneficial tew him, so he went to the White Mountings instid." " Poor man," said Minty when she heard about it ; " he needn t hang off ; if he is to be drownded he will be, if he never goes nigh the water !" But between you n me, I don t believe much in Parmistry nor pny other forUme-tellin . 34 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. POOR AUNT BETSEY. I was settin by my winder the other mornin , and, hearin the sound o voices, I looked out, and there was old Aunt Betsey Griffin and her little nefew Jimmy, down on their knees in our door- yard diggin dandylions. Aunt Betsey s awful deaf, and Jimmy he had ter holler loud s he could in his little pipin voice to make her hear. "Aunt Betsey!" he screamed, "what made ye bring sech a great big basket for?" " Cos," says Aunt Betsey, " I wanted ter git a good mess. Yes," says she, diggin away, " we wan ter git & good mess, Jimmy. I says to your marm this mornin , Mary, we hain t had a dish o greens this spring, says I, and I m jest han- kerin arter some, as it were. Dandylions is real healthy in the spring o the year, and they d go fust rate long o the biled dish ter day. " All right, says your marm, only if you git any, git a good mess ; I wouldn t wash a little dab on em and git em ready ter bile for em/ "And she shall have a good mess," says Aunt Betsey, chucklin and pullin away at a tough one. " She shall have a good mess on em, Jimmy." Jimmy laid down on the grass and begun ter play " stick" with his old case-knife. " Say, Aunt Betsey," he screams pretty soon, "AUNT BETSEY!" HE SCREAMED, "WHAT MADE YE BRING SECH GREAT BIG BASKET FOR ?" (Page 34.) 35 36 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " I m all tuckered out ! Hain t we got bout enough ?" Aunt Betsey straightened herself up slow for her jints is stiff and looked inter the baskit. " Wall, I dunno but we have," says she ; " you can carry em home to your marm dandylions ain t heavy and I ll jest step in and see Ruth Ann a few minutes, now I m here." I alvvers like to have Aunt Betsey come, but she s got a way o tellin the same stories over n over every time you see her, and some folks think it s kinder tiresome ; but la ! as long as she enjoys it and it don t hurt nobody, let her dew it, I say. Old folks can t be young folks, of course. She s a good woman if ever there was one, and bright as a button about some things, notwithstandin all she s been through. When she come in I give her the rockin chaii and screamed into her ear as loud s I could, "How do ye dew to-day, Aunt Betsey ?" I gin- erally manage to make her understand as much as that to begin with, and then let her go on and do the heft o the talkin herself. " Oh," says she, " I m middlin smart from fair ter middlin considerin ." That s what she alvvers says, invariable. Then she looked out o the winder and laughed in her simple way, and I knew jest what was comin , but I let her run on. "It was sech a mornin as this, Ruth Ann," says she, " in the spring o the year, in dandylion time, that marm and I was washiti a mess o greens for dinner, and all to once there come a rap on the door, and lookin out o the winder we ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 37 see a great white boss standin by the gate, with a gay saddle on him, and a darky holdin him by the bridle. " Marm she went ter the door, and there stood as harnsome a man as I ever set eyes on all dressed up in his regimentles, he was and he took off his hat to marm as perlite as you please, and made her a bow. " How do you do, madam ? says he. " Marm kerchied down ter the floor, and says she, I hope I see ye well, sir ; won t ye come in ? " Thank you, says he, as perlite as you please, and he come in and set down, and put his hat on the floor. Then he asks, " Is your husband about home this mornin ? " No, sir; I m sorry ter say he ain t, says marm; he s jest gone down ter the vil lage. " Very well, says he, I shall find him there, I presume. "And he picks up his hat as if ter go, when he spies me a-hidin behind his chair, and lookin at him bashful, with my finger in my mouth. " I was only a little gal, but he turns round ter me, lookin kinder sollum and gentle inter my face, and he puts his hand on my head and says he, Little gal, grow up ter be a blessin and comfort to your mother. "Them was his identikle words, Ruth Ann," says Aunt Betsey, snifrlin and wipin her eyes, as she alwers does when she gits ter this place in her story. " Yes, he laid his liand on to my head and I was an awful bashful little gal but I looked up 38 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. into his face when he spoke them words, and I says, tremblin , " Mister, I will, says I ; and then I hung down my head scairt enough ; but I never forgot the smile he give me, nor how good and carm he looked, like the picters of the Lord in the big- Bible ; and I felt pooty much as if the Lord Himself had took my promise, as it were. "Wall, then he bows ter marm and me, and goes out and jumps on to his great white hoss and gallops away. "And I never forgot them words," says Aunt Betsey agin, rockin and lookin off across the fields in a dreamy kind of way ; " and while I was a-takin care o marm all them years alone, and she a helpless creatur , I often said it over to my self, Be a comfort to your mother : and I alwers answered back as I did that mornin , I will, I will. And I guess I was ; leastways, marm used ter say to me, Darter Betsey, you re good to your poor old marm. The Lord reward ye ! " But she never knew all I give up for her sake. I wouldn t let her know. Poor old soul ! She had trouble enough of her own to bear, without thinkin o mine. What with her aches and pains, and father s takin ter drink, and brother Joe s runnin away, a body d say she didn t need much more ter kill her. It was a mystery how she lived as long as she did." Aunt Betsey fell ter musin here, and kep still for some little time ; but she hadn t got done. " Marm never knew, for I never told her," she goes on, bimeby. " I never told her how I sent Dan l Jones a-goin when he asked me ter marry ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 39 him, ruther n leave her to the care o strangers. I was all she had, ye see, and I dunno s I was ever sorry I done it ; only now she s dead and gone, and I m an old woman myself, it doos seem ruther hard, sometimes, that I shouldn t have no darter to take care of me in my old age ; nobody but sister Griffin, and she only a half-sister, and grudgin at that. Seems s if the Lord had forgot all I done for marm t any rate He don t seem to consider me wuth bein took care on but there, Ruth Ann! She looked up inter my face with a pitiful quiverin kind o smile that I couldn t stand no way. I took her poor old wrinkled hands in mine, and screamed into her ear that I felt for her, and that I didn t believe the Lord had foi- got her, and so on. " Oh, it s all right, it s all right, I know, Ruth Ann," she says, " but I can t help speakin out sometimes. I dew hope I shall be forgiven that the Lord won t lay it up agin me, considerin ." She whimpered a little, and then wiped up her eyes, and set rockin easy, back ards and for ards, for quite a spell, till finally she dropped off to sleep. Poor old soul ! I s pose she was tired. VVhen she waked up, I went into the bedroom and got six great red peppermints for her she s master fond o peppermints and she eat one or two of em and brightened up wonderful. Pep permints be warmin and comfortin , that s a fact ! I knew she hadn t finished her story yet cordin ter rule, and I begun to think that for once she was goin ter forgit about it. But it wa n t so. She put on her sun-bunnit and riz up to go, then 4O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. she turned round to me, and pintin her finger very impressive, she says, " Ruth Ann, that man that called on me and marm that spring mornin when we was a-cleanin greens was Gineral George \Vashiritoii />l ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 4! SHE FINDS THE COAL-MAN. SEQUEL TO "SHE GOES TO BOSTON." You remember I told you about my scrape with that coal-man, last Christmas, when I was to Boston ? How I made him take me to the depot, and then hadn t a cent o money to pay him, after promisin to reward him liberal, too ! I didn t mean no harm more n a baby, but I know he thought I was a swindlin , lyin woman, goin round loose a-gittin my livin by workin onto folkses feeliris , and .stealin rides out o poor coal-men ! He hadn t no means o knowin the truth o the matter, you see, and it did look bad it looked aginst me, that s a fact. It would a been easy enough to set the matter right, if I d only re membered the feller s address, but I give up tryin to clew that long ago ; twa n t no kind o use. I d settled it in my mind, though, that some time, pretty soon tew, I must hunt up that coal man and have a settlement. But how to dew it and where to begin that was the question. I thought it over n over till I was jest about crazy. I couldn t eat nor sleep, and mother she begun to worry about me and dose me with all kinds o herbs and doctor s stuff. I took em ter please her, but / knew it wouldn t do no good. It was my mind that was fected. This is the way things was with me, when I got a letter from Jack and 42 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Minty tellin me that they had moved into Boston, and urgin me to come down right off and make a good long visit. I said to once, "Mother, it s a providence ; I ll go ! Novv s my time, and Minty will help me." So I got ready as quick s I could and started. Minty met me to the depot, and the fust words she said was, " Aunt Ruth, what under the canopy is the matter with ye ? You look as if you d had a fit o sickness ! Have you been sick ?" " No, Minty, I hain t," says I, " but there s other troubles in this world as wearin as sick ness." " For pity s sake, what do you mean ?" says she ; and then I told her. " It s that coal-man that s wearin me away to a shadder, and nothin else," says I. It s quiet up home, you know, and likely enough my mind s dwelt on the subjeck more n what s reasonable or nateral ; t any rate, all I ve done lately is jest to think, think, night and day, about how I cheated that poor feller ! And now I ve come to Boston, and I m goin to find him, and have a settlement with him if it costs fifty dollars /" says I, "and Minty, you ve got to promise to help me, or less I ll go n get somebody that will !" says I, and then I bust out cryin . Minty laughed, and hug ged me agin. "Cheer up," she says ; " we ll have that old-fashioned conscience o yourn out o misery in no time ! The coal-man shall be found, if we have to turn Boston inside out and hind side afore to do it," says she. Minty s better for me than a bottle o medicine ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 43 any day, and she chippered me right up, so t I felt more like myself than I had for a good while. Wall, the next day, when I d got rested a little, Minty and I talked the matter over, and we concluded that the fust thing for us to do was to advertise. So she writ a piece and sent it to the newspapers. "That ll fetch him," says she, "if he can read and ever looks at a paper ; but in the mean time we ll keep our eyes open. He may turn up when we ain t expectin ." From that day for ard it seemed as if I didn t think o nothin but my coal-man. Jack said how t I d got the monomanier; but I Knew better, and told him so. Nothin in this world ailded me, and I should be all right soon s this business was off my mind. The fust time I went on the street, I come pretty nigh gittin killed myself, or killin some body else, a number o times. You see my eyes was everywheres to once, but mostly in the road, lookin out for coal carts ; and every one I spied, I generally made a dive back ards or for ards to git a sight o the driver s face, ye know. And it wa n t a safe way to dew in a crowded street, by no means. Once I run into a man, and jabbed a stool he was carryin right into his stummuck, so st he bellered out, and everybody turned round and stared. "Old lady," says he, "mind where you re goin tew, can t yer? Ain t there room for me and you too on this ere sidewalk ?" Some laughed, and I felt cheap enough. 44 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Another time I walked straight into a lady s face and eyes, my gaze bein fixed ahead in the road, on a coal cart jest heavin in sight. I bumped square into her face, and her spe tacles fell off. She dropped her puss and let go of the string that was hitched onto her poodle dog, and I lost my bag ; so we had to paw round quite a spell afore we got right side up agin. I pollygized as well s I knew how, and asked her if I couldn t do somethin to kinder bring her tew and make her feel better. She was leanin up aginst a store winder, and she jest put up her hand to fix her spe tacles onto her nose more firm, then she looked me over carmly, and says she, "How very peculiar!" I was awful mad ! If she d jawed and scolded I wouldn t a cared ; but to have her treat me as if I was a menagery or some sort of a curiosity I couldn t stan it ! " Marm," says I, "p r aps you d be peculiar yourself if you had a hull city full o coal-men to look after !" says I. That made her stare all the more insultin , and T went off and left her standin there as if she s parilized. I dunno but what she stands there yit. I don t care a snap if she does ! But that wa n t a circumstance to what I come tew another time. Minty and me went one af ternoon to a concert in the Music Hall. We thought it would rest us and do us good ; and anybody d think I wouldn t be sech a fool as to look for a coal-man there ! I set through the fust half o the concert ; the music wa n t very interestin to me too high- ADVENTURES OF AN~ OLD MAID. 45 toned I s pose. I don t like this kilter-skitter music ; I like somethin with a time to it, if it 3 nothin more n " Yanky Doodle." Wall, as I was a-sayin , I didn t feel interested in the music, and so I got to thinkin and wonderin about my coal man ; when all to once a man right in front on us had a little coughin spell, and turned his head round so t I could see his face. I grabbed Min- ty s arm. " Minty," I whispered, " there s my man there !" She looked where \ pinted, and says she : 44 Aunt Ruth, you re crazy ! That man is a gentle man; he looks like a Beacon Street swell! Do be quiet !" says she. " He s the feller I rid on the dbal cart with, anyway," says I, "or less he s a twin ! And I m goin to speak to him after this show is over, sure s my name is Ruth !" "How foolish!" says Minty. " Tain t very likely coal-men make a business o washin up and puttin on their kid gloves and goin to con certs right in the middle o the day !" says she. But there I set and looked at him ; and the more I looked the more sartin I felt that he was the very man. Every featur of his face looked nateral. " Who knows but what he s had a for tune left to him ?" says I to myself. " Stranger things have happened." So when the concert was over, I jest pushed my way longside of him, and laid my hand on his arm. " Excuse me, sir," says I, all of a tremble, " but ain t you the coal-man that carried me to the depo one day bout Christmas time last year ?" 40 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. The man drawed back a little, and looked at me serious and inqurin . I was awful scairt, but he didn t speak, and I s bound I d make hirr Sn I follers on, and says I : " Mebby you ve had a fortune left ye it looks like it and if so, I m glad on t ; but you needn t be ashamed to remember doin a kind act, and I want to thank you and relieve my mind, all the same, if you don t need my money now," says I. We was half way out by this time, and he seemed to have got his mind made up about me ; for he turns to me and says, very serious and re- speckful, " Madam, you are laborin under a misappre hension. But I beg you to take this, and when you find the honest coal-man that does me the honor to resemble me so close, will you give i\ to him from me ?" Them was his very words ; and dropping a twenty-dollar gold piece into my hand, he lifted his hat way offn his head, as if I d been the queen, and walked on. I looked at the money and wondered whuther no I wa n t dreamin . Minty she ketched hold of me and hauled me away and downstairs, quick s she could. " Oh, Aunt Ruth !" says she, half :ryin , "what have you done ?" " I dunno what I ve done," says I. " But if that high and lordly feller ain t a twin to my coal man, I ll eat him." "That man," says Minty, "is the richest man m New England ! I knew him the minute I see his face." " Oh, wall, if he s so terrible rich, I m glad on t," ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 47 says I, " bein s he won t never miss the money he give me, and it ll be quite a fortune to my coal man when I find him." I walked on, tryin to feel as bold as a lion, but I didn t I felt like death ; and I guess Minty knew it, for she never said another word about it. After this I kep pretty quiet fora while only I run into a peanut-stand one day, and had to pay a dollar and a half damages ; and once I chased a coal-cart till I was clean beat out, and had to hire a coach to carry me home. But the vvust on t was, I was gittin all discour aged, and I was willin to own at last that I had got the monomamer, or a touch on t, anyway ; and finally I consented to let em call in the doctor. He said how t my sistem needed toniri -up, and left me some medicine. I took the medicine faithful, but I knew, and Minty knew too, that I shouldn t ever git toned up right till I found that pesky coal-man. Our advertisin didn t amount to shucks. A few smutty-faced, lyin fellers called on us, ex- pectin to make somethin out on t, I s pose ; but we wa n t so easy took in, and they went away as poor as they come. One day Minty showed in a young Irishman. He come bowin and scrapin up to the table where I set sewin , threw down his old hat, and put out his black paw with a flourish, as if he was tickled to death to see me. " Be me sowl," says he, " if it isn t the idcntikle old lady herself, now . I knew ye as quick as I :. t me two eyes on ye !" 4^ ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " Singular," says I, cool s could be for I d got used to em, you know-" singular, but I never ^Q you afore," says I. " Oh, now," says he, coaxin like, "ye wouldn t be afther forgittin so aisy. Think, now, how would it be, say, barrin the baird and t"he short cut o me hair for the hot weather ?" says he. "Bar as much as you re min to," says I, " but if you ll stop your blarney and tell me what you want, I ll be obleeged to ye." He seemed all struck of a heap for a minute, and then says he, "An didn t ye advertise for the young man as driv ye ter the depo on his coal- cart last Christmas ?" " I did," says I. - " And isn t it mesilf as is the very feller ?" says he, slappin his knee and lookin up as bold as ibrass agin. " Now I think on t, I dunno but you be," says I -"yes, I guess you re the feller; and I s pose you ve come to pay over that five dollars I lent you," says I, and I riz up and held out my hand to him. You orter seen that man ! He looked all ways to once, and everywheres but at me ; then he picks up his old hat in a hurry, and says he, " It s mistaken I am now, intirely ! It s not mesilf at all I mane it s not it s not your- /. silj " Oh yes, it is," says I, cuttin him short. " It s my self, but it s not your self!" So sayin , I topened the door and he blundered out and off. This was only one of quite a number of experi ences we went through, and all for nothin . No ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 49 great wonder I had the monomanier, was it ? It was a mercy Minty didn t git it fastened on to her, too. She did come dretful nigh it. But there s an end o some kind to all things ; and there is to this story, as you ll see, bimeby. One mornin Minty come to me after breakfast and says, " Aunt Ruth, Jack is goin to be away a few days, and while he s gone you and me ll give a party a coal-man s party. We ll advertise in every way we can for two days, and on Thurs day we ll hold the recepshun in our basement. We ll have lemonaid, and donuts, and sandwidges enough for all the coal-men in town. What do you think on t ?" says she. I was so struck with the idee that I didn t breathe for much as a minute ! " Minty ! you re a genyus !" says I. " It s jest the thing !" So we set right about it. It was awful hot weather, and it stood to reason that no hard- workin coal-man would miss a chance o gittin a good lunch and a cool drink o lemonaid, free gratis for nothin . "That must fetch hin. " thinks I, and I felt encouraged. The advertise ment run this way : " FREE LUNCH TO COAL-MEN ! AT NO. 35 CLAY STREET (BASEMENT), FROM 11 A.M. TO i O CLOCK. COME ONE, COME ALL !" I asked Minty what she s posed the neighbors would think, when they see the doin s. She said she didn t care what they thought ; but they d probaly think we s exsentrick. and took that way 5O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. o doin good. It was fashnerable to be exsen trick. When the time come, it was well vvuth all our trouble jest to see em ; and if it hadn t a been for my monomanier we sh d had lots o fun out on t. There was a line o coal-carts standin up and down our street as fur as you could see both ways, and them fellers kep a-pilin in to that basement, as business-like as you please, as if, for all the world, it was an every-day thing to em ; and they scrambled for the vittles and drunk hull tubs full o lemonaid as if it did em good. I guess it did. We didn t worry none about that, anyway. Wall, the time passed, and it was goin on two o clock, and amongst all them smutty-faced fellers I hadn t see one that looked like my coal man. I had on my best caliker dress and I d sp ilt it long ago, they slopt the lemonaid round so, and Minty, she d sp ilt hern too; but we didn t care for the dresses, we was so disap- pinted. I was most a-cryin , but I kep round among em, waitin on em kinder mecanikle, when all to once an uproar riz loud laughin and talkin , and jokin back and forth, about somethin or nother, we couldn t make out what. But finally we diskivered the cause on t. They was all settin on to one little feller, and when we inquired into it they laughed and shouted, and said hovv t he d been stuffin his pockits, and they insisted on t that he should "shell out," as they called it, fore they d let him go. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 51 Minty spoke to em in her pretty way, and begged em to remember theie was ladies present, and behave like gentlemen. They simmered down to once, then, and Minty went to the little feller and spoke real kind. " Can t you eat enough?" says she. "What makes you fill your pockits ? The rest don t do so." He looked sheepish for a minute, and then he spunked up, and says he, " Yes, marm, I ve had enough myself, and thank ye kindly for t ; but I thought as how twouldn t be no harm to carry some ter Jim Jim Rasher he s sick, ye know ; and he hain t got nobody but me to look out for him, he hain t." Of course we was interested to once, and asked a good many questions ; and Minty told the boy to wait till the others was gone, and then she put up a baskit o things for him to take along to his friend. While she was talkin I was a-thinkin . I says to myself, " You d better go n see this sick man ; mebby it 11 ease your mind to dew for some coal man if you can t for the right one." So I run up stairs, put on my bunnit, clapped my puss into my pockit, and was ready and waitin when he come out with his baskit. We went along to gether, and wall, I may as well tell ye now 1 found my coal-man ! He was sick, sure enough. And he lay in a miserble room, on a miserble bed, and the flies was eatin on him up, and there wa n t no air in the room fit to breathe, and he was tossin and moan- in , burnt up with fever. Somethin told me I had found him afore I 52 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. fairly see his face ; and when I went up to him and laid my cool hand onto his head, he knew me too. He looked at me for a minute in that stoopid, stunned way o hisn I remembered it perfeckly but he knew me, and his great, honest eyes kinder smiled, though his mouth was so sol- lum, and he says, "Old lady, is it you?" I couldn t speak to once, if I died, but I opened the baskit, and got him out some grapes, and sent the boy for some cool water, so I could bathe his head. Bimeby I told him how I felt when I found I d forgot his address, and how I d worried ever sence ; how I d hunted for him, and about the free lunch and everything. " And, now," says I, " I wanLyou to cheer right up, for I m goin to send you a doc tor, and we ll have you well in no time. Is the old white horse alive and well ?" says I. Upon this he smiled bright s a button. " Yes, marm," says he, " the old mare s all right, thank ye." " Wall," says I, pretty soon, "I must leave ye now. Ain t there some woman we can git to come and stay with you a spell, and nuss you up?" He picked at the bedclo es and looked foolish ; but finally I managed to make out that there was a girl he was a-goin to marry, that would be glad to come, but she didn t even know he was sick yet. So the little feller his friend and me, we went away together and hunted up the girl and her mother. The girl s name was Berlindy, and she seemed dretful fond of him. Wall, I left em ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 53 some money, and went home to Mint?- She was wonderful excited over it. " Our free lunch was a success, after all ! " says she, and we went to bed that night, two happy wimmin, if we was all tuckered out. The rest is soon told. We kep an eye on Jim iRasher, and after a while Jack give him a place in his own office, and Minty took Berlindy intc the house as a servant. When they was married, we heip^d fit em out, and among other things I give Jim the twenty- dollar gold piece, ard the man s message alonp with it. He looked more stoopid and stunned than I d ever seen him afore ; but Berlindy she wa n t flustered a mite. She swallered it all, and more tew. She tossed up her head, and says she, " I should like ter see the man that can hold a candle to my Jecmes for good looks, if he is a milling oair 1" 54 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. WRITING FOR THE NEWSPAPERS. I ve had curi s experiences sence I begun to write for the papers. The nabors got hold on t, somehow, that I was a writin , and it was queer enough to see how the different ones took it. Old gran marm McGilvry, she was the fust to come to interview me. She s a reg lar old gos sip, but she alwers peared to think well o me. She begun before, she fairly got her bunnit off. " Ruth Ann," says she, " I m glad to hear that you re a doin somethin oncommon ; and I say if you behave yourself, tain t anybody s business if you dew write for the papers, and / say if folks are a min ter talk, why let em talk!" My nighest nabor, Mis Carter she s a little narvous, sensitive thing she come over in a peck o trouble, and says she, " Ruth Ann, there s one thing I hope and pray you won t never do, and that is, to put your na bors into your pieces ; if you do, it ll make no end o trouble. Now I ve alwers told you every thing about me and my husband, and about Mary and her beau you know how I ve confided in you, Ruth Ann and if you go to puttin on t in print, I declare I don t know what I shall do !" She was almost cryin and I felt bad for her. " La, Mis Carter," says I, "don t you be one mite afeared. I hain t no notion o doin any sech ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 55 thing. I reckon I can find enough to write about without betrayin my nabor s sekrits ; when I can t I ll give it up," says I. She wiped her eyes then and felt better. " 1 might a known," she said laughin , " but that s the way some o them writers do." " It s awful small business," says I. " That s so," says she. Next, Amandy Plimpton come drivin over pell- mell. She had a great big sheet o paper kivered over with verses, and a bran -new lead pencil stuck over her ear, as if she meant business. She d been writin poitry, and she wanted me to read it, and correct it, and send it long with my next piece to the newspaper man. She said she d leave the matter o compensation entirely to the editor. She was all up and a comin , as you might say, and I had to set right down and read it ; I went through it two or three times careful and candid, but I couldn t make no head nor tail to it, and finally give it up. "Amandy," says I, " I guess it s good poitry, but I m afraid it ain t available Mind ye, Amandy, that ain t sayin a word aginst it, only it ain t just what they want." "How do you kow tain t?" says she. "See here, you needn t be afraid I ll put your nose out o jint ; you don t write poitry don t pertend to do ye ?" " Oh, no ; I don t, that s a fact," says I laughin , and, what s more, I ain t no judge o poitry. 1 have to scratch my head a good while sometimes Tore I can make out what the best on t means; $6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, but as long as you would have my pinion I had to say somethin ." " Of course you ain t to blame for not bein able to predate poitry," says Amandy, real con siderate, " and I guess I ll consult some fust class poet, and then I shall know." Cordinly she sent it to Mr. Whittler, and in the course of a week it come back, and a real nice note long with it, sayin that he couldn t thank her enough for the pleasure o readin on t, but suggestin that editors was the best judges o poitry. So she posted it right off to the Bang- town Magazine, and waited on tiptoe for the answer. If you ll believe it, them verses was sent back to her with the solitary, single word " trash writ on top of em, and that was all. Oh, how mad she was ! She says to me, says she, "Trash" be they ! Them verses that thrilled me through and through to write, and make creepers up and down my spine to read 7 Oh, the wretches ! Listen to these " Lines to James Henry." She read the fust verse : " When I am dead and in my grave, Oh weep not for Amandy ; Some other girl you ll probaly find, There s plenty standin handy." " Now, Ruth Ann, even you can see that that is touchin thrillin ." " Yes," says I, " ondoubtedly ; but them edi tors is a tough lot, with backbones of iron and narves of steel. They don t thrill wuth a cent. But come, never mind, Mandy, let s work on our ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 57 crazy quilts," says I, tryin to divert her mind, as it were. But she didn t seem to hear me, and read right on. " Ruth Ann," says she to me when she got through, "if that ere ain t real poitry I ll eat it! Look at the sentimunt !" "Why, yes," says I again, "and I m sure it must be real comfortin to James Henry. It re minds me somehow of the little verse we used to write in our books to school ; don t you remem ber ? " When I am dead and in my And all my bones are rotten, This little book shall tell my name When I am quite forgotten. * i should say your n was fully equal to that, and you know what a run that had." "Equal to that /" snapped Amandy all out o patience ; "what s the use o talkin to you you don t know abserlutely no thin about poitry, and that ends it !" " I m afraid you re correck," says I, real umble. " I never wrote but one verse in my life, and that was to the man that was gittin up a book o Ne" r Hampshire poets. He kept sendin and askin me to contribute somethin . I told him 1 couldn t ; I didn t write verses ; but he hung on till I finally got mad and sent him this : " I ain t no poit, And now you know it. That seemed to satisfy him." Cousin Safrony, she told me that they talked my pieces all over to the mother s meetin , and 58 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. then agin to the sewin circle, and some said one thing and some another. The Square s wife used to be a school-teacher, and she said how it wasn t nothin to write for the papers ; she d got stacks o manuscrip put away up garret that she made up herself. She never had none on t published felt delekit about it- thought it required a good deal o cheek for a woman to pear before the public in print. But the Square often remarked that "that manuscrip would be a mint o money to somebody sometime." " But I ll bet a cookey," says Safrony to me, that it wouldn t fetch more n the wuth of its <veight for paper rags!" "And now," she con tinued, " I m goin to tell you somethin in con fidence that I never told no livin mortal before ! I ve been thinkin lately whuther or no / hadn t orter go into this writin business myself ! " Why, ever sence I can remember I ve laid awake hours and hours, makin up stories and sermons, and all sorts of things in the dead d the nigJit ! Ain t that the way you dew ?" " Ketch me lay in awake nights !" says I, latighin . " No ; I make a regular business o sleepin , and tend right to it every night." Safrony looked astonished. " Is that so ?" she says; "you re the fust writer I ever heard on that did ! But there s one thing I s pose you all have to dew ; that is, live on fish mostly to feed your brains ?" "No, /don t," says I, "and, what s more, I wouldn t if my brains starved to death. I can t bear fish, and never eat it when I can git any thing else." ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 59 " Wall, I must say," says Safrony turnin up her nose, "that you ain t much of a writer if you don t do no different from other folks." " Oh wall," says I, laughin , " I ain t much of a writer ; nothin larmin ." Mis Gardner was the only o;ie that seemed to feel real malice toward me. What does she do, but carry one o my pieces to the litterary circle, and read it loud, and then pass it round mong the company so s they could see how many mis takes in spellin there was in it. She d marked em all off, and it was pretty much all marks, I tell ye. Safrony was bound she d stick up for me, so when they handed it to her she says, " Good land, I don t s pose them newspaper men care how its spelt if it only makes sense." " I should think they d correctify it before they printed it," says the deacon s wife. " Like enough they don t know how to spell over and above well themselves," says Mis Gard ner, pinchin in her lips. " I guess they never won no dictionaries to spellin matches." While they was laughin the Square s wife come in, and they showed her the piece. " Good gracious, how stoopid you all be !" she said when she d read it. " Ruth Ann spells that way a purpose, and if she don t spell bad enough I ll warrant the editors puts on the finishin touches themselves ! Poor spellin is all the fash ion now," says she. They felt pretty well took down then, and didn t say another word ; for the Square s wife is law and gospil among em you know 60 ADVENTURED ^s AN OLD MAID. Safrony asked me if I didn t never write nothin and spell it all correck. " Sometimes," I told her, " but it s pretty diffi- kilt, and I have to keep a dictionary open before me every minit. I ve spelt rong so long that it don t come handy to spell rite" says I. "Then while you re about it why don t you spell wussf There s Joshua Billin s and Mister Nasby now you don t begin to spell as bad as they dew." " Oh no," says I, " but their spellin makes anybody feel crampy all over ; it ain t comfort able. I don t want to do nothin to hurt. I jest lay out to amuse folks in a comfortable kind of a way. And besides/ says I, " I don t depend alto- gether on my spellin , I generally put in a few idees? Oh, I didn t think o that," says Safrony, " I guess that s what makes your pieces take so well." I thought it was real nice in Safrony to stick up for me after I d made light o her layin awake nights and so on, but Safrony and me was always good friends. Aunt Polly Davis seemed to take a great deal of pride in me at fust. "Jest to think," says she, "that we should go and have an author in the family after all ! We ve had a most everything else, and now we ve got a bonny fidy author ! I m real thankful," says she, " and I dew hope you ll make a good use o your money ! Perhaps by n by you ll git round to help me and your un cle lift that pesky mor gage. You won t hardly know what ter do with so much money, will ye?" ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 6 1 I " I guess it ll be a spell before I ll have enough to burden me," says I, laughin . "Why, less see," says she, "how much do you git for a piece ?" "Oh," says I, "from 10 to 25 dollars." " And how long does it take ye to write one ?" " Oh, when I git fairly at it, say a week for the longest ones, with what other work 1 do. You know I help a good deal round the house." Aunt Polly took a piece o paper and borrered my pencil and set right down to it. She figgered it out somethin like this, 52 weeks (year). 25 dollars (apiece). 260 104 1300 per year. " My senses ! Ruth Ann," says she, " it can t be ! I have made some mistake ! You look it over and see if I ve multiplied and kerried right. I ain t much of a. hand at figgers." I looked it over. " Your conclusion would be correck enough if your premises wan t wrong, as we used to say at school," says I. " Do you mean that you don t actillv earn that much money a year ?" " I mean that I aint amac/izne," says I. " You hain t took nothin into consideration." Then I tried to explain how sometimes I couldn t write at all the idees wouldn t flow, as it were and 62 ADVENTURES Of AN OLD MAID. then agin, how some pieces wa n t available, ar ) so on. She looked blank enough. "Oh," says she, kinder contemptewous, " it seems ter be a dret ful onsartin business, and don t amount to much after all I" ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 63 SHE GOES TO " THE GERMAN." Did I ever tell you "bout my goin to the German that winter I was to Sophiar s ? Wall, you see Snobtown ain t a big city. 1 tell em it ain t neither one thing nor t other. It seems pretty much like our village to home, but I s pose there is, in pint o fact, a good many more houses and folks, or it wouldn t be called a city. At any rate, it s enough like a city ter make em want to dew everything any body does, and so, cordin ly, they have " Ger mans." They low that nobody goes to these parties but jest the very "aleet" (that s French, and means big-bugs). James and Sophiar don t seern to feel very big, and I don t know exactly what constitoots an " aleet ;" but one thing is sartin, if they hadn t been one they couldn t a gone to that ere " Ger man" and took me, so I m naterally glad the) was considered up to the scratch. Wall, when we got there, we found all the ladies in the dressin room puttin on their white kid gloves. Some on em went way up to theii elbows. But there was one o the most airy-lookin ladies, pertendin to be in a great stew, because she d left her gloves to home ; and she was goin round tryin to make some o the other ladies leave off them to keep her in countenants. 64 ADVENTURES Of Aft OLD MAID. She came to Sophiar, but Sophiar, says she, " / wear gloves to cover my hands you know I do my own work, Mis Dainty ; your hands look well enough without, I m sure." This seemed to please the lady, and she had\\\t harnsomest hand and arm I ever seen on a mortal woman. I kinder suspicioned she planned it all to show em, too James said afterwards how she might a spared enough ofT n the tail of her gown to cover her hands and arms, and neck, tew, just as well as not ! Speakin o trains, hardly any o the ladies wore em, and them that didn t, seemed to have a par- ticklar spite agin em. It wa n t the gentlemen that complained on em, and stepped on em most, I noticed that pint Sophiar introduced me to a slim, genteel-look- in young man, with a red rihbin round his neck and a silver whistle hung on to it. He was their leader, she said, and pretty soon he blew his whis tle and the musicianers struck up a lively waltz, and all the gentlemen rushed to the door o the dressin room, took their ladies on their arms and went into the ball. I was thankful for James s arm to lean on to, for the floor was so slippery that I knew I couldn t V walked acrost it alone to save my life, to say nothin o dancing on sech a floor ; I don t see how they ever dew it ! We found chairs all set redy for us. They was mostly tied together tew by tew with long sashes o ribbin of different colors. We all set down and spread out our dresses and looked at one nother a spell ; then the whistle sounded and ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MA IP 65 each gentleman took his pardner in his arms and begun ter spring round in a lively waltz. Some o the dancers looked very well, and some didn t. There was one little feller had the cunninest mite of a girl for a pardner. I heard him call her " Mamy." They looked well together, and danced like two feathers. One man was dretful tall, and stiff as a ramrod He used his legs as if they didn t belong to mm, and his pardner (she was his wife), she looked as if she didn t belong to him, nuther. So they danced pretty much on their own hook, poppin this way and that, any way to get round. I pitied em, for it must a been hard work ; but they seemed ter be tryin to do their dooty, anyway. There was another feller, a medical student, Sophiar said he was, that I couldn t help watchin , he went into t so business-like. He didn t turn out for nobody nor nothin , but dashed right ahead, with his mouth open, and his tongue a-workin for all the world like a boy when he s learnin to write. He got some pretty hard knocks, and I pitied his pardner, but she didn t seem to mind. I s pose she d got used to it. It was queer the different ^ays they had of holdin on to one nother. Some stood way off, like the picter of the Puritan lovers kissin . Some hugged up most tew tight, I thought, and some took hold o hands and held em out one s de, arm s length, and took up more room than be longed to em. Some pumped up and dowu with their elbows, and rocked fust one side and then t other ; they called that the " Boston dtp" They didn t dance long to begin with, and J 66 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. didn t have time for observin half what 1 told you. When the whistle blew, the music stopped, and the leader said they would now have a rigger called " Sir Rogerly Coverlid," or somethin like that. Wall, you ve seen the girls to the Cademy go through with their jimnastic figgers ? It seemed to me pretty much like them, only with a good deal o waltzin mixed up in it. Then they had other figgers plays, I should call em and mazin silly ones, too, for growed up men aiiu wimmin to partake together in. One w r as " Puss in the corner," where they put a lady inter each corner of the room, and then let five gentlemen make a dive for em. Of course the spry ones walked off with a pardner, and left the fifth feller alone lookin silly enough, and everybody smiled. I didn t, though, I thought it was real embarassin for the poor young man. I mustn t forget to tell ye that there was a table in one cornei;where they kept the "favors." " Favors" are little fancy things ; silk wheel barrers, rosettes, and parasols, and anything cute and pretty to look at, and of no other mortal use. Though Sophiar said that sometimes they give real useful presents. But that night they seemed ter be mostly for ornament, and they pinned em on to one nother, till the men, specially, looked as if butterflies had lit all over their black coats. And so they went on waltzin and waltzin , and the genteel leader begun to look as if he was dewin somebody a favor in holdin himself to gether, and the musicianers seemed to grow tired and sleepy. One o them musicianers the feller ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 6; that blowed the horn had a very sick baby to home, so Sophiar told me. Poor man, while all this gaiety was goin on, his baby might be dyin . Once when they was playin one of them sobbin 1 kind o waltzes that sounds more like death and misery rhan a dancin tune, I see him put up his hand and wipe away a tear. I wanted ter go and ask about the baby, and tell him I felt for him, but Sophiar said it wouldn t dew. About 1 1 o clock they had refreshments, and they come in jest the nick o time, tew. I don t believe we could a held out much longer without somethin ter kinder brace us up. Not that any body appeared anxious to git anything to eat ; oh, la, no indeed, fur from it ! The ladies took the plates o chicken salud and skalloped oysters with the tips o their fingers, and pecked away at em with their forks as if it was really a cross to have to eat. But I noticed that whole plates-full disappeared somehow or nother in quick time tew, and the gentlemen had to step round lively to keep their pardners 1 wants supplied, and get a chance to eat anything themselves. There s one thing wimmin can beat the men at, and that is eatiri . And they have sech a way that they can make pigs o themselves and nobod) know it ! Wall, after supper we all felt better, and there seemed to be ruther more sociability and talkin , not any to hurt though. Sophiar says it ain t considered the thing among the " alcet" to speak up loud or laugh hearty, and they did all seem subdood and sollum enough for a funeral, that s q fact. 68 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. But I heard em sayin to one nother hovvt they were havin a " charmin time," " delightful evenin ," and so on, and I concluded they felt nore cheerful than what they looked. To wind up with, they had a militerry figger and grand march. Afore they got done marchin they all pulled little gilt paper things that had torpedoes inside on em and went off with a crack, and out came for each one a cap or head-riggin of some kind made o tissue-paper. They was all colors and shapes ; some on em was harnsome and some on em was hidgeous, hut howsomever, they straightened em out as well as they could and put em on their heads. I did think I should die to see em ! Such a ridicker- Jous sight as they was ! One big man with a beard all over his face, had on a little white, baby night-cap, tied under his chin ! And another little mite of a man looked fierce enough in a great red helmet, with an awful green eye a-top on t ! If them men had been anywheres else, I m sartin they couldn t a been hired to make them selves look so silly ! I guess the wimmin enjoyed their caps the most, though they seemed anxious to know if they was becomin , and I see some changin goin on. Most on em wore their riggin all through the dance, which was, as I said, a militerry figger. Sophiarand James give me their caps and favors to bring home and show the folks. I was glad when it was over, specially on ac count o the poor musicianer with the sick baby waitin 1 for him to home. I guess his wife was glad to see him, and I hope the baby got well, but I hain t heard. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 69 THE STORY OF "HARNSOME MARIAR. RELATED BY THE DEACON S WIFE. " I am dretful strong on temperance, to begin with as a woman in my posishun orter be. You see I ve been president of the " W. C. T. U. O. C." (which stands for The Wimmins Christian Tem perance Union of Crabtown ) goin on four year, and durin that hull time, I ve looked arter the interests o the socierty faithful, set on the plat form to all the meetin s and interdooced the speakers. Though Caleb Jason that s my hus band alwers makes a fuss ; says he don t want his wife " stuck up there long with a pack o old maids and widders, most on em humly enough to make a decent man sick tew his stummick !" I says, "Caleb Jason, they be plain I ll low; but you must recolleck that the repersent principles." Still, between you n me, notwithstandin my posishun, I ain t so clear on some pints respectin the temperance question as what I d like to be : that is, as to ways and means, and so on. I don t feel quite sartin that prohibishion would settle the matter to once, and moril swazion don t seem to fill the bill exackly ; so there I be. Though I ve alwers done what I could to carry out both principles. 70 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. We ve got all sorts o workers in our Socierty and all on em is in ded arnest too, I tell ye, There s some that goes round the country anner- lizin all the likker they can git hold on, so s ter tell what s in it to the meetin s. Seem s if they j found everything under the sun in it though pizen s the principal ingregient. But la, folks would drink it if it was all pizen, and the likker dealers know it, and have been gradually workin up tew it for some time. I dunno s the pizen argyment is a mite stronger n any other. Then agin, some bring in long likker bills and foot em up on the black-board, ter show how much money is fooled away, and then go on to kalkerlate how many barrels o flower and bangle bracelets the same sum would pervide the drunk ard s family. This argyment is naterally popular with the wimmin folks. A good many of our members is strong for Wimmin s Rights ; think if wimmin could vote, the hull bizness would be settled ter once by law. But for my part, I hain t much faith in the law ; and I d ruther my men folks would go inter the front door to git their drinks than sneak round to the back door. It looks more respecktable, somehow. Last year, when we found that Jonas Hapgood was goin to Congress, \ve felt pretty chirk, I tell ye ; for he d alwcrs been a red-hot temperance and wimmin s rights man, and we thought he d give us quite a boost. So the Socierty sent me off post-haste to interview him. He received me with open arms, as it were, and told me that I could " asshure the sisters of ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 7> the W. C. T. U. O. C. that his hull heart was theirn," and so on. He took hold o my hand and squeezed and squeezed it seemed as if he wouldn t never let go, till finally, for decency s sake, I put an end to it, and says I, laughin : " Brother Hapgood, we don t want your heart* couldn t make no airthly use on t ; but if you ll pledge yourself to vote for us that is, in the in terests o Prohibishion and Wimmin s Rights, we shall be perfeckly satisfied," says I. Upon that he hemmed and hawed, and man- aged to let himself down and out as slick as grease. I couldn t find no fault with his manners, that s a fact ! But we made up our minds that men and women don t haul tergether very well in politicks not as a gineral thing. We ve got a " Reform Club" in Crabtown, and it s done a power o good. You see, the way we manage, we set all the reformed drunkards to watchin one nother, and it s a good way. " It takes a thief to ketch a thief," ye know. And \ve keep up the interest in our meetin s by securin for every Sunday night some dretful specimen of a sot, and gittin him to sign the pledge, and then go up on the platform and tell his experience or sing a song. The more dis- repytable he looks, the more of a success we con sider him ; and if we can fetch him in when he is a little fnite boozy, so much the better the morii effeck I mean. But arter all s said and done, some times I feel about discouraged, and, as I tell Caleb Jason, it doos seem as if the only sure way ter keep folks from drinkin rum is to sew up t/ieir mouths / and then they d pour it into their ears /2 ADVENTURES <~>F AN OLD MAID. through a tunnil fur s I know! It doos heat all! Did I ever tell you what a time I had with my Mariar? " Harnsome Mariar" they called her, and she was a beauty, no mistake. She worked for me bout three months last year ; that s the way I happened to know her. I wouldn t have anybody think that I m in the habit o keepin a hired girl. I sh d be ashamed and mortified enough ! No ; when I m in my usual health I wouldn t take the gift o the best help in the world ! If my mother before me did her own work, and made butter and cheese the year round, ter say nothin o soap-makin , house-cleanin , and picklin , and perservin all extry, with a family o nine children, I must be smart if I can t dew the work for myself and Caleb Jason and Jerry ! With all the modern improvements tew the patent bakers and bilers and washin -machines and carpet-sweepers I m sure the garret is full on em ! But there was a while last spring, when I got all run down, and a good many days I seemed ter need somebody to kinder fill up the garps. Then I heard o Mariar. I was told that she d been onfortunit, and had been in the habit o drinkin some ; but that her husband led her into t and was to blame for it, and that she hatecf and dispised the hull thing herself, and had left him for the sake o tryin to be a decent woman. Of course I was interested in her to once, and took her right inter my home and heart, as ye m ght say. She was awful lady-like as well as harnsome ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 73 and I felt at fust pretty much as if I was the hired girl. The deacon used to say I treated her like company, and he should think I d put on the best chiny for her to use every day. Anyway, I did take a great fancy to her, and 1 declare I forgot all about her ever drinkin fore she d been- with me a week. It was goin on two months arter she come that she went down town of an arrant one day, and j^mefc along supper-time no Mariar, and I begun to wonder what kep her. Bimeby a hack drove inter the door-yard, and who -should pitch out head fust inter the snow bu mfvjMariar ! Wall, the driver helped her up onto tffe .piazzer and drove away grinnin . I hadn t never seen a drunken man close tew, to say nothin of a drunken ivoman ! I was dumfoundered ! I went up to her and touched her shoulder, and says I, " I wanter know if this is you, Mariar." " Wall, I should smile!" says Mariar, winkin one black eye at me. Her bunnit was way offn "her head, and she looked dretful rowdyish. " Ain t ye shamed o yourself ?" says I, pullin on her bunnit and jerkin her down into a cheer. " Give an account o yourself. Where ve ye been and what a-dewin ?" says I. " Oh," says she, beginnin to whimper, " I was took on the street with one o my terrible spells and had to call a hack ter fetch me home." "Mariar," says I, real sollum, "you ve been a drinkin sperits I smell em on your breath !" " Of course I have !" she says, as bold as brass. 74 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID.. I had ter go into a store and git a little some- thin fore I could come home. What would you have me dew ?" I looked at her sharp, but I didn t hardly know what to think. I hadn t never heard bout no " spells" afore. " I feel dretful sicK now," she says, " and I wish I could go to bed. I shall be all right in the morninV She couldn t walk straight, and she groaned and made a terrible fuss. I helped her into her room and took off her things, and she laid down. The deacon was away gone delergate to a Convention and there wa n t nobody in the house but me n Jerry that s my little boy aim Mariar. I looked in on Mariar bout dark and spoke to her, but she seemed all right, so I left her and went off to bed. In the middle o the night I happened to wake up, and thought I d jest go and see how she was ; and, wall there she laid, white as any marble statoo ! And when I begged on her to speak and tell me if she was dead, she only rolled up her eyes a little grain ; that was all ! I routed up Jerry and sent him off post-haste after the doctor ; and in a few minutes he come along puffin and out o breath. He give one look at my Mariar and bust out a-laughin . " You ve sarved me a fine trick," says he, " haulin me out o bed this cold night for this ere." " Doctor," says I, layin my hand on her cold ADVENTURES OF Atf OLD MAID. ?$ forrid, "don t joke in the chamber o death ! I can see that she s dyin !" " Dyiri ! Drunk, you mean," says the doctor; " dead drunk /" Then he asked me bout it, and I told him how she come home, and how she peared and all. " Where s her bottle ?" he asks. " She s been drinkin all night. Where s her bottle ?" "Her bottle /" I screams. " Do you mean ter say that the creatur has been a-drinkin and carousin right here under my nose, and me presi dent of a temperance socierty, and a deacon s wife ter boot !" " Jest so," says the doctor, dry s a chip. " She s been on a bust, as ye might say, right here in your bedroom, Mis Jones." I declare you might a knocked me down with a pin-feather. Wall, he went on rummagin round under the bed and pullin out burow drawers, and bimeby sure enough he did find a great quart bottle marked " Borbon Whiskey," and it was empty. Wall, we give her a bowl o strong cofFy, and the doctor staid with us a little while, bein I was alone and so kinder upsot. Towards mornin Mariar begun to come tew. When she could speak, she turns her great harnsome eyes on to the doctor and says she, " Doctor, did you ever see so good-lookin i woman as I be, in sech a miser ble condishun afore ?" " No, I hope not," says he. She drawed in a long breath. " So young, so beautiful, so onfor- tinit," she sighs. 76 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " Nothin o the kind !" says the doctor " You re drunk, that s all !" Then she begins to groan and take on, and wring her hands. " Oh," says she, awful beseechin , " won t you give me somethin ter make vs\z forgit !" " No, I won t !" snaps the doctor. " I d give ye somethin ter make ye remember, though, if I could !" She see she wa n t goin to make much out o him, so she turned her face over to the wall and kep still. The doctor left us pretty soon, and I made her as comfortable as I could, and then went and laid down. In about an hour I heard Mariar come stum- blin along out. She conic inter my room, and up to my bed, cryin and wririgin her hands, and says she, " Where s the bottle ? Give it to me !" " You can t have it," says I ; " and, besides, there ain t nothin in it." " Oh, give me a drop, jest one drop !" she begged, lookin wild and crazy. I thought o the rich man in torment, but I was firm as a rock. " Not a drop !" says I, " not a single, identikle dropr " Git me somcthiri , then," she screams in a fury, " and git it quick, or I ll tear ye all ter pieces !" I sprung round and made her some morecoffv. extry strong and hot, and she drank bout a qu; 1 and went off to bed agin. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 77 The next day she was in her right mind, but weak and trembly. /was all used up. If I hadn t been president the " W. C. T. U. O. C.," I d a opened the door and set her out on to the door stun. But as it was, I thought I must consider the looks o ( the thing. Wall, I labored and talked /vith her the best I knew how, and she seemed sorry and promised ter dew better. She spoke o the hackman, and asked if it twa n t that good-lookin Johnson that fetched her home. I told her it was, and she said ho\v she " hoped she didn t look like a fright if she was drunk." I felt it my dooty to tell her that her bunnit was all jammed, and on one-sided, and she seemed mortified enough. All the forenoon she was ree iess and oneasy. 1 didn t know what to make on her. The doctor charged me to keep her still in the house, but I had hard work to dew it, I tell ye. Fust she said a walk would make her feel better. She wanted to go down to the post-offis ; she was expectin a letter. I told her Jerry would go down for her. Then she said as long s she wa n t able to work, she d like ter go and call on a friend. I advised her to put it off a day or tew. Then she begun to howl and dance round the room ; said her tooth ached, and she must go ter the dentist and have it out right off, or she should go off the handle. I put everything I could think on into hei mouth for she couldn t seem to tell which tooth 78 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. it was and finally when I brought out tru creosote, she said she felt a little mite better, sc we didn t try that. But bimeby she complained o feelin faint, and asked me to open the winder jest a crack. I did, and she seemed ter revive right off, and said now if she only had a good cup o tea she should be all right. I went out inter the kitchen to make the tea had ter bile the tca^ kittle and it took some time and when I come back, the winder was wide open, and my Mariar wa n t nowheres to be seen ! I felt awful worked up, and I knew the doctor would blame me. I waited an hour or sc, think- in she d come back as quick as she d got a drink, but she didn t come, so I put on my bunnit ?.nd shawl and walked down street. When I got oppersite the post-offis I met Mariar a-rollin along towards me, with her bun- nit hangin down her back, and she was singing as loud as she could yell, somethin she lamed to the " Salvation Army" meetin s. " I am, I am the child of a king !" There was a pack o boys to her heels, laughin and makin fun, and when they see me, they hoi. !ered out, "Mis Jones! here s your Mariar ! and she says how she s the child of a king / Look s like one, don t she ?" " She acts more like a child o the evil one !" thinks I, but I didn t say nothin . I got her home as quick s I could and put he; to bed agin", andfollered out the same program as before, only this time I didn t call the docto; ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, ?$ " I kep* her straight a spell arter this, hut I found it wa n t no use. I tried everything but sewin up her mouth, and had ter give up. I got so out o patience finally that I set her a-goin . I didn t care if I was president of the " W. C. T. U. O. C. ;" I was human all the same, and I wa? all wore out. So I got her some new clo es, and paid he; fare back to her mother, and I hain t seen nci heard from her sence. 80 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. A HOTEL EXPERIENCE. A good many Crabtown folks take their meal; at the hotel through the months of July and August. They ruther do so than go to the beach or mountings. I think, myself, it s most comfort able stayin ter home the wust o the hot weather, and doin your travellin and visitin when it s cooler. But la, there s them that would go away somewheres, jest for the name on t, if they suf fered etarnal torments. It s astonishin what some folks will endure for the sake o bein fashnerble ! Lucy Jane was tellin me how she went to the beach the summer before, and took little Emmy, and she said she never worked so hard nor suffered so much in the hull course of her life. You see, Emmy had to be kep dressed up in clean white clo eSj and she couldn t play nor take no comfort, and the consequents was that she got so cross and fretty that her mother couldn t do nothin with her ; and, what time she didn t spend on Emmy was occupied in dressin andon- dressin herself sweatirT and fussin to look as well as the rest on em. So when she got home she was all run down, auJ the fust thing Jake that s her husband said tew her, was, that she looked as if she d had a fit o sickness. "And I told him," said Lucy Jane, " how t that was the last time I should go awav from home in hot o ./ ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 8 I weather, if I knew myself." So the next summer she thought she d try a new plan. You see, she didn t never keep no help (Lucy Jane s a fust-rate housekeeper smart as a trap), and there s only three on em, and I made four ; so she says to me, " We ll take our meals to the hotel. Then I shall git red o the cookin over a hot stove, and that s all I want." She asked me what I thought on t, and I told her I run of a notion I should like it. So we be gun the very next day. But there was some things about it I didn t like, and couldn t never git used to, I know. For instance, when we undertook to set down to the table, half a dozen waiters sprung forrerd, and one on em grabbed my chair in both hands and hild it way back. What ter dew I didn t know, but I looked at Lucy Jane and tried to back in ter my chair jest as she did, with the man a holdin on to it. But fust I knew my lim s was knocked out from under me, and I set down all of a sudden ! I thought for a minnit my knees was broke sure. I didn t like it, any way, and I says to Lucy Jane, " When I git so I can t set down ter the table alone, I ll go without eatin ! says I. She laughed, and said I d "git used tew it," but i never did ; and if I could sly in and git my seat without that waiter seein me, I enjoyed my din ner a good deal better. But he was ginerallv right on hand ; he was an awful wide-awake feller ! When I was eatin , of course I had to look some- wheres, and if my eye happened to lite on him for a second, he d spring at me as if his life depended WH*N i GIT so i CAN T SET DOWN TER THE TABLE ALONE, I LI GO WITHOUT EATIN !" SAYS i. (Page 81.) 82 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MA ft*. 83 on sarvin me. Once he gnbbed my plate and was goin off with it. " See here," says I, "won t you jest let my plate be ; I hain t done with it jret." " Oh," says he, terrible cut up " I beg vour pardin !" " All right," says I. I didn t wanter hurt his feelin s, y:>u know, for he meant well, and after that he was a little more moderate. That hotel was a master place ter study human natur . I found out that a ^ady to home was a lady to a hotel ; but some that called themselves so was anything but ladies, cordin ter my mind. They had a chance to show right out what they was. They d find no end o fault with the waiters and turn up their noses at the vittles. They d order bout everything on the bill o fare, and then pick it all over and leave it in a mess. I couldn t a felt ter dew so more n I would ? "i a private house. We see all sorts o folks. One day a woman corne in and set down to our table. She was all decked out in silks and dimonds, and had abokay pinned on to her stummuck as big as a wash-dish. Lucy Jane said she was a "transient," but aftei we see how she performed we concluded she was a pig, whatever else she might be. We had lobster salud on the table that day, for a kind of a side dish there wa n t a great lot on r, ye know it was only jest for a relish like pickles or persarves. There was one dish tc each end o the table. Wall, what did that creatur dew but 84 ADVENTURES OP AN OLD MAID. put her arm round the one at her end o the table and dip into it as if she owned it ! When I see that, 1 says to the lady beside o me, " Less larn her a lesson, and shame her, if there s any shame tew her." "Agreed," says she So we took the other dish o salud all there was on the table, mind ye and passed it along tew her. When the woman see what was comin she looked kinder puzzled for a minute, then she smiled, as pleased as could be, and what did she dew, but take it, and thank us, bowin her head till her dimonds fairly dazzled our eyes ; and says she, " I m sure you re real kind ; I m dreadful fond o lobster salud !" And upon that she fell tew and finished the job in no time ! We was tew disgusted to even smile, but there wa n t no draw backs to her enjoyment ! Not long after the waiter set a stranger down side 6 me. He was a good-natered, respectable- lookin man that was all I minded about him at fust ; but when he took up the bill o fare he turned to me in a curi s confidin kind o way and says he, " I can t see to read this ere ; I wish you d jest run over the meat list to me." So I begun to read it to him low. " Roast beef, roast lamb," and so on. He put his hand up to his ear. " Won t you speak a leetle louder ?" says he ; " I m ruther hard i > o heann . So I went over it agin, so loud th^.t all the folks to the table looked up to see what I was ADVEXTUKES OF AN OLD MAID. 8$ dewin . I felt cheap enough, but I could nt re fuse ter help a feller mortal piek out his dinner. He finally stopped me and said he d have roast beef. " I don t know much about them furrin names Fillet d beef and Arly mode" says he, smilin good-natered. " Plain roast beef is safest for me, I guess." " Any vegetables ?" asks the waiter. The man handed the bill o fare to me agin with that same confidin smile. " Read," says he. So I read ; " Squash, tomarters, green corn " Stop !" says he, so quick and sharp that I bit my tongue, and the waiter knocked over a goblet o water. " For massy sakes, what is it !" says I, thinkin the man had lost what few senses he had. " Nothin ," says he, "only I ll have corn ! Hain t had none this year, by George ! all dried up our way ! I ll have corn and turnup that ll dew" and he leaned back in his chair and smacked his lips. Wall, the waiter brought his dinner, and I thought my sarvices wouldn t be needed no more, when all to once the man turned to me kinder perplexed like, and says he, " I wish you d be good enough to taste o my pertater ; it tastes dretful queer." I didn t dars ter refuse for fear he d make talk about it, and I should be still more conspicevvous, so I tasted on t. " Lordy massy," says I, " that s your turnup ! Where s your pertater ?" " What ?" says he, puttin his hand to his ear. 86 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. "Turnup !" says I. He nodded his bead and laughed. " 1 thought so," says he, " but I didn t feel quite sure. S pose like enough real pertater is scaree here, hey ? Think I can git some? Oh wall, all right," 1 spoke to the waiter and he brought his per tater. Thinks I ter myself, " Mister, you hain c ot seven senses enough about ye ter travel round alone ; you orter take a boy along to tend tew ye. I ve done it bout as long as I want "er." And I begun to eat my dinner in arnest. Jake was tickled almost ter death. He d been nudgin me under the table all the time. Every body \vas lookin at me, and there was some laughin , but I felt as if I wa n t ter blame and tried to look carm and dignerfied When \ve got through our dinner we went out and left the man I d had the care on still eatin . Lucy Jane and I, we ahvers had ter wait a spell in the parlor for Jake, while he went into the office to see a friend or transack some business or nother, and so we was a settin there laughin and Calkin about what had happened, when who should walk in but the very man himself, and he comes over to me, and says with that curi s con- fidrn smile o hisn, " Young \voman, I don t know who you br, but you ve got a kind heart and a brave one. Do you think I didn t see how embarrissed you was ter the table ? Lord love ye, I can see some things without my spe tacles, if I can t see ter read, nor tell turnup from pertater ! And now," says he, fumblin in his pockets, " I want er give ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 87 this to remember me by, and to remind ye of your goodness to a stranger." So sayin , he hauled a little ring out of his pocket, and presented it tew me on the spot. I was shamed enough to think how I d felt towards him, and I colored up red s a beet. " I couldn t think o takin it, mister," said I, " If I ve done anything .D help you, you re welcome, and more tew." " Hut, tut !" said he ; I m older n you be ; piay I m your uncle now, as I wish I was, and take the little ring--comc. When I see how he felt I accepted on t with the fears in my eyes, and I ve wore it ever Fence. The next day when the ladies plagued me about my "charge," as they called him, I showed ena the ru;~ and they agreed that I was well paid Jake savs if- is * ^imvwd of the fust water. 88 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. THE NEWFANGLED SCHOOL. When I was down to my niece s last winter, I went with her one day to visit the school where her little boy, James Ed ard, goes, and wall, it did beat all ! I know there s been great reforms and kn- provements in the schools in some respects sence my day, and the best on t is, doin away with them old barberous punishments. Why, when I was young, a teacher that happened to have a cruel disposishion could turn his school into a regelar inquisishion, if he was a mind tew ! There was some terrible torturin punishments that was common everywheres. To stand with our heads in the table-drawer ; to stoop over and hold the tip of the finger on the head of a nail in the floor ; settin on nothin aginst the side o the house; standin with our thum s tied to a high nail in the wall, and a lot more that it makes my blood bile to remember ! Why, it was a common practis with teachers to throw their ruler full drive at any scholar they happened to ketch in mischief. No thanks to the teacher that it didn t kill every time ! But some things was w r ell enough as they was, cordin to my way o thinkin . Now. didn t it look beautiful and respeckful for the school to rise when a visitor come in ? And how can a class show off to better advantage than standin in ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 89 the floor to recite, in a nice straight line, heads up, hands behind em, eyes on the teacher ? I don t know as it is vvuth while to mention the water-pail and tin-dipper business, but I do say it was a good institution for all consarned, and I, for one, miss it. To return to my story, I don t s pose I should ever thought o goin into school that day, if my little nephew s actions hadn t riled me up as you might say. He was jest in his second term o school and was all took up with his figgers. Used to add and subtrack in his sleep ; lugged his tables round with him wherever he went ; couldn t hardly eat a meal o vittles without havin em side of his plate. But I undertook to hear him say em one day, and lawful sakes, I couldn t make no head nor tail on t ! What he could say was all well and good, but what he couldnt say I couldn t larn him no more n s if I d spoke in a heathin tongue not a mite ! I alwers thought 8 and 8 was 16, and that that was all there was to it ; but it wa n t enough for him. He said hovv t his teacher used things to count up by splintzes he called em and he couldn t and, wouldn t larn my way. I argered with him. " Why, see here, James Ed ard," says I, "8 and 8 is 16, ain t it? All you ve got to do is to remember it. Can t ye jest remember it ?" But I see it wa n t no kind o use, and had to give it up. I felt awful galled, though to think I couldn t larn nothin to a little feller like him. I goes to his mar, and says I, " Sofrony, that teacher o James Ed ard s ought to be looked after. go ADVENTURES OF AX OLD MAID. The idee that a young one can t larn his tables without a mess o splintzes and things redicker> lous !" says I. " Why don t they jest say em over n over till they Jam em, as we used to ? Massy sakes ! I bet I ve said them tables over to myself more n ten thousand times if I have once ! That s the way to do it." " Yes, I know," says Sofrony, " that was the old-fashioned way o doin ; but I believe they think that was tew mecanikle. Oh, there s lots o newfangled notions nowdays, Aunt Ruth ! But I tell ye what, you and me 11 go into school to- morrer, and see jest how and all about it. What do ye say ?" " Wall," says I, " I don t care if I do. I alwers was interested in the cause o edication ; but I shan t encourage no upstart notions norswaller no nonsense." So we went, and I can t begin to tell all we see and heard. In the fust place, the school-house was nice enough for Queen Victory s children ; all fitted up in great shape with steam-pipes and ventilators and maps and picters and so on. I couldn t help contrastin it with the little oldyeller school-house at home, with its slantin floors and rough pine benches. Then, agin, I remembered how it used to be when company- come into school. , How kinder flustered and bashful the children alwers felt, and the teacher, too, for that matter. But ia ! they didn t mind no more about Sofrony and me, than if we d been two flies come buzzin in at the winder. " Ladies," says the teacher, after she d Viewed ADVENl^URES OF AN OLD MAID. g\ us some seats, " we are jest now engaged on our exercises in Rithmetic." We see the children was all huddled round a long table littered over with what I took to be the splintzes james Ed ard had told about, and piles of commou pebble-stones. The splintzes wa n t nothin under the sun but little bits o wood cut all of a size somethin like toothpicks. Wall, the boys and girls was a-stand- in round this table, as I said, and when the teacher asked em a question, they made a unan- ymus dive for them splintzes and stones and begun to count and lay em in piles afront of em. James Ed ward got his done fust, and he raised his hand and waved it and snapped it, as if he was crazy to let everybody know how smart he was. The teacher waited a few minutes so s to give em plenty of time ; then she called for the answer and they all yelled it out together, loud enough to split your head open. There was quite a num ber of questions, and after they got through I says to the teacher, " I hope you ll excuse me, marm, but I should like to ask if it wouldn t be more comfortable for you and the scholars save your narves and heads, as it were if you d have em larn these lessons in their seats by studyin of em, and then come out in the floor in a harnsome line and recite em quiet and orderly, like rashional bein s. I jest want to inquire," says I. The teacher colored up as red s a beet and I was afraid she was mad, but she answered me very perlite. 92 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " Our method is new to you. perhaps, and seems odd ?" " Yes, it does, that s a fact ;" says I. " It seems like makin a great fuss about nothin ." " I hope you will think better of it by and by, when you have obsarved its workin s," says she. I thought I shouldn t probably do no sech thing, but I didn t say so. Wall, after they took their seats the teacher went round and give every scholar a picter. I see James Ed ard s was a picter of a man strut- tin along in the rain with an umbrell over his head. A lot o folks was lookin after him, and underneath was printed, " Jonas Hanway and His Umbrell? The teacher called James Ed ard s name fust, and he marched out into the floor as big as life. He looked at his picter a minute and then he begun he pitched his voice way up high and says he, " I have a picter of a man with an umbrell ; I see some folks starin after him ; three girls and a man, and a boy with a baskit over his head. The man feels big because he s got the only um brell in town, and their starin at him so only makes him feel all the bigger. I guess he s a stingy old chap or he d let somebody go under along of him looks like it, anyway. Go it, old Skinflint !" Of course the scholars all laughed, and the teacher turned to explain. "You see, ladies," says she, "this exercise brings out individooal thought. You obsarvt ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 93 also, that they re allowed perfeck freedom of ex pression ; we make all corrections afterwards." " They do express themselves powerful free, that s a fact, marm," says I. " And what do you call this exercise ?" " Oh, it s a part of our system of objeck teach- in , " says she. " Hum, I know all about that, jest like a book. I ve had it afore. That man s the good samari- tan. He was the best o the lot. He told the landlord to take the poor tramp in to his hotel and do up his sores in mutton taller, and give him everything good to eat gingerbread and candy and peanuts, you know," lookin round at the other boys, " and he d foot the bills. He was a brick you bet !" And so they went on a dozen or more of em, and it did seem as if each one tried to say somethin more redickerlous than the rest. I couldn t help laughin if I died for t, but I didn t approve on t by no manner o means. The singin master come in before they got through with the picters, but they left right off and hustled them away in a hurry. They was all smilin and noddin to him as if they was dretful glad to see him, and he seemed fond of them, and talked to em as if he d been their par. "Now," says he "here s the Thanksgivin Song you all know about Thanksgivin ?" " You bet we do !" says one, and "yes, yes !" all over the room. "Wall, then," says he "you must sing this piece extry nice to-day," and after they d sung it he pats one little girl on the head and looks 94 ADVENTURES OP AN OLD MAID. round on em all smilin , and says, " Well done, well done ! How would you like to play you re all my children, and spread a great big table right here, and have our thanksgivin all together ?" " Oh, yes sir !" says the little girl, eager as can be, "and play that you was the par and teacher was the mar, and we was all your little girls and boys !" " Splendid !" says the singin master ; but I noticed he seemed kinder cut up, and he set em to singin agin as quick s he could convenient. We found out afterwards that he was payin ten- tion to the teacher, and I guess them scholars knew it ! After he d gone, they had one more exercise, and that was all. Each scholar made up a question in rithmetic, and some on em was remarkable good, I must say. The only trouble \vas, that they got noisy and out of order, same s they did about everything else. They didn t seem to be afraid o nobody nor nothin , and they was all wide-awake and sharp and keen as razors, every one of em. I couldn t help bein interested in the little rogues, and I should admire to know how they all turned out when they grew up. This was one little girl s example : " If I weigh 48 Ibs. and my grandmar weighs 150 Ibs. and Mary Jane Cross 50 Ibs., what is the sum of our weight ? Answer 248 Ibs." " But I don t weigh 50 Ibs.," speaks up Mary Jane, pert as you please. " I only weigh 47 Ibs." " I do," says another ; " I weigh jest 50 Ibs. ex actly." " And I weigh twenty," says another. They ali ADVRNTURKS OF AA T OLD MAID. 95 begun to tell their own weight and their grand mother s and everybody s else, all hollerin to gether. The teacher couldn t make herself heard till she rung her bell loud and long. Then she spoke up to em pretty sharp, and they simmered down wonderful quick, I must say, considerin . When they d got through with all their doin s and exercises, I riz up in my seat, and says I, " If you hain t no objections I should like to ask your scholars a few common-sense questions," says I. Sofrony she pinched my arm to stop me, but I didn t mind nothin about her. I had my sus picions that there was some things outside o their new method wuth knowin that hadn t been tended to in that school, and I meant to show that teacher and them scholars that I knew a thing or two, if I was edicated before they was born. The teacher seemed very willin to comrnodate me, and says, " Oh, sartinly, ask as many questions as you please." " In the fust place," says I, "can I have the class come out in the floor and toe this ere crack ? I do think it s an awful lazy way for em to recite in their seats." " Sartinly, sartinly," says she again. So she called em all out into the floor, and after they d tumbled over each other and stepped on one nother s toes, and pushed and hauled awhile, I got em into somethin like a straight line. " Now, children," says I, " tend to me. Who made you ? " 9$ ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. "Adam and Eve ! God! George Washing ton ! " they shouted before the question was fairly out of my mouth. I turned round and looked at the teacher, but I didn t say nothin . " It was ruther onexpected, perhaps," she be gun to say. "They orter know who made em any time ! " says I, short s pie-crust. " Children," says I next, can you repeat the Ten Commandments ? " This time they didn t try to answer ; they jest looked at one nother and squirmed round and grinned. " Perhaps the lady will kindly repeat em to you," says the teacher very perlite, but I could see that she thought she d got me." " I didn t come here to teach," says I, " that s your business. I m simply findin out what these scholars know and what they dont know." Wall, I asked ern a number o questions, and they couldn t answer one on em proper ; they couldn t even repeat the Ten Commandments. " There s one thing we can do," says I when 1 got through with my questions, " we can show em what perliteness is, can t we, children ? Now all put your hands behind ye and make your man ners so" says I, standin up and makin a ham- some bow. " I want you to do it all together, unanymous, and then turn and go to your seats still s mice," and I made em do it ; but I had to work a while fust. They d never done it before in their lives, you know. When I set down the teacher smiled, and says ADVENTURES OF Aiv OLD MAID. 97 she, " You ought to go into the business, madam." Now, wasn t it real nice and forgivin in her to say that after I d took her down so ? I think she must have had an oncommon good dis position anyway. When she d dismissed the school and we was left alone I shook hands with her, and says I, " I m obleeged to ye for lowin me so much liberty with your scholars, and you must excuse me if I ve hurt your feelin s. Don t be discour aged ; you^re young and you ll improve. Only give the Ten Commandments and a few other things a leetle more prominence and pay more tention to order you do lack order that s your great failin . Why, woman alive with sech bright, affectionate children, you ought to be able to keep per feck order." " Madam," says she, straightenin up a little haughty, "I beg leave to insist that my scholars are under per feck control. You mistake the freedom of our system for disorder, and you make a great mistake. I do assure you." " You can assure me all you want to," says 1, " but you can t deny that them children have acted like Sam Hide this forenoon, now can ye ? " says I. " I ve no acquaintance with the boy you men tion," says she, " but one thing is sartin, these same scholars that you find so bright and wide awake to-day would appear only ordinary under the restrictions of the old method." Sofrony she d been nudgin me and makin 1 signs to me to come along for some time, so now I says, 98 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " Wall, wall, never mind. Let s shake hands agin and part friends, and good day to you." She said " Good day " as pleasant as could be, and we come away. " Sofrony," says I as soon as we was out o hearin , them be the smartest set o boys and girls I bout ever come acrost, that s a fact. I wa n t a goin to give in to her, ye know, but between vou n me, I shouldn t wonder if their new mctliod was a pretty good one after all, only they had ought to learn em the Ten Commandments ; I ll stick to that." " Stick to it then all you want to," snapped Sofrony, " but for my part I m all wore out, and I wish to massy I hadn t a gone ! LV let s hurry home and git a good cup o tea ! ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 99 SHE GOES TO THE DENTIST. I can t say I like these ere modern improve ments in dentistry. Years ago, old Doctor Dwight did some work on my teeth, and I re member I felt, when he got through, as if it had been kind of a mutual thing, and he d suffered a most as much as I had myself. He pulled out one tooth and filled another, and wall, the fillin didn t hurt much ; only the scrapin and borin ruther tried my narves. But on the whole, t want a great sight wuss than cleanin up a kittle that plum sass or hasty pud- din has burnt onto. But the pulliri , t/iat was a different thing! I hild on to the chair with all my might and main, and the old doctor he hild on to the tooth, and when he give the final jerk, as you might call it, it was a wonder he didn t hist me and the chair and all clean up through the sky light ! He would if the chair hadn t been fastened down pretty strong. I remember I give one groan, enough to wake the dead, and theie stood the old doctor a sweatin and puffin , but holdin up my tooth in triump ! Then he and me, we congratulated one nother, and I went away feelin that we was friends and feller bein s. That s a good many years ago, as I said, but the other day I had casion to go to the dentist s agin, and as Doctor D wight is dead, I went to his 100 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. successor, naterally. The new dentist is a ham- some, smart lookin young feller, as one could wish to see, and he come out o his little room, smilin and hummin a tune. His shirtbosom and wris buns was as white as snow, and he looked spick and span all over. He was a master nice, clean lookin feller, and I took tew him to once. Wall, he said how t he could tend right tew m, so I laid off my bunnit and went in and set down in his big chair, and watched him while he was gittin ready for me. He was goin to dew the fillin fust, he said ; so he went round from one drawer to another, collectin his things to gether. Fust he brought out a great tray kiv- ered with little steel instruments that looked jest like croshay hooks, of different sizes ; then a little box o gold leaf and a thin sheet of injy rubber. He hummed away at his tune all the time, and seemed as happy as if he was gittin ready to go and see his girl. I told him so, and he laughed but didn t say nothin , and I wondered whuther or no he was a married man. When he d got all his tools and things laid out handy he brought along a couple of nice, clean, white napkins and laid em in my lap. " Oh la, now, you take them away, and I ll use my handkerchif," says I, " save jest so much vvashin ye know." " Oh," says he, smilin, " that s no consequence : my wife does her own washin ." So he was married, and he didn t care how hard his \vife worked, nuther ! Wall, the next thing he did was to shove a curis lookin machine up alongside o my chair, ADVEN l UKES OF AN OLD MAID. IOI and after examinin my teeth a minnit he actew- ally put the little end o that machine into my mouth and vvorkin it with one foot, begun to drill away at my tooth as if I d been a stun or a statu ! As quick as it begun to grind and buz, I twitched his hand away, machine and all, and says I, " Look a here, young man, I ain t use ter bein run by machinery, and I want to inquire into this a little. How does your machine know when to stop, and so on ? What s to hender it s goin clear through me, as you might say ?" He smiled as innercent as a baby, and says he, " Oh, I ll look out for it ; it shan t do any harm, I promise you !" Then he went on to explain how it was the greatest invention of the age. Said " all the Icadin dentists in the country used em," and so forth. " If that s the case," I says "go ahead. I ll try to be accommodatin , but you must leave off singin and tend right to your machine every min nit, and I do hope you ll bear in mind that it s a human cretur, and not a stun, that you re a drillin of." He promised he would and in a few minnitshe had my tooth ready to fill. Then come some- thin wust of all yit. He picks up that littk square sheet of injy rubber, claps it inter my mouth quick s a wink, and stretches it over my lower jaw somehow, so that only the tooth he was workin on, stuck through, and fastens it down with a sort of clamp. 102 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. At fust I couldn t breathe nor swaller much less speak but I managed to let him know by signs and fistin what I thought on t, and he be gun to explain agin. " It s all right, I assure you, madam," says he, very perlite, " and you won t be inconvenyenced after you git a little customed to it." " Customed to it !" thinks I to myself, " I shall die fust !" and I should a gone into histericks, but I couldn t laugh with that thing in my mouth, so I tried to carm down and think I could stan it if other folks could. But I never suffered so much in the hull course o my life ; and I cun l say I was in actewal pain nuther ! The fact was, I was mad! I wa n t willin to be run by machinery, as I said afore, nor to have my mouth filled up with injy rubber or any pizen thing he see fit to stuff in ! But after all, I blamed sience the most. What bizness had sience to go and invent sech disagreeable, disrespeckful ways o tloin things ! Wall, that young man worked away half an hour as if he enjoyed every minnit of it, if 1 didn t, and I tried to be patient, knowin it couldn t last forever. I was beginning to git into quite a resigned and comfortable frame o mind, when all to once he stops work and pricks up his ears to listen. Sure enough, there was a hand orgin out in the street, an oncommon good one, too, and it was play in a tune from the opery of " Patience." " How propriate," thinks I to myself, "that s jest what I m in need of -patience 1 Then, what does that dentist do but drop his ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. IO3 croshay hook and pick up his hat in a hurry. " Excuse me one moment, madam," he says to me, "and don t you on any account move your head or stir while I m gone ; I ll be right back." Upon that, he runs down stairs and leaves me a settin there with my mouth propped wide open, wonderin what had struck him all of a sudden. Wall, I waited five minnits by the clock and he didn t come back. I begun to feel worried about him ; thought p raps he d fell in a fit, or broke his neck or somethin . But bimeby, I left off worryin about him and began to think ex- cloosively of myself! Oh, how tired I was ! My neck ached and my jaws ached, and I was in cramps and pains all over ! I didn t dare to move much, for I didn t know whatmischif it might do, ye know ; but I did move a little mite, and then I set and waited fifteen minnits or so more, till I couldn t stan it no longer. Then I kicked over his old drillin machine and the tray of croshay hooks, and got up and looked out o the winder. As true as I m a livin woman, there stood that dentist on the sidewalk smokin a cigar and watchin a performin bear ! The hand orgin was still playin lively, and there was quite a crowd o men and boys gethered round, but there wa n t one o the lot enjoyin himself so much as my dentist ! Oh, I was ravin , tear in mad ! I d a gin a dol lar bill in a minnit to been able to speak to him, but I couldn t ye know, on account o the injy rubber, so I took my sun-shade and pounded on the winder like all possesst. When he turned and see me, he bust out a IO4 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. laughin ! I s pose I did look redickerlous enough but wan t it aggravatin ! As quick as he come in I pulled at the old injy rubber and tore round, till he see it had got to come out to once. My face was hot as fire, and I guess he suspicioned he d ketch it whenever I could speak, for he was the longest while gettin on t out o my mouth tellin me all the time in that smooth way o his n how sorry he was and so on. " Madam," says he, kinder mournful like, " I ve been subjeck to sech fits of abstrackshun for a number o years, and my wife she s beginnin to feel worried about me." I told him I should think she would, and ad* vised him as a friend to take somethin for em right off, or they might git him into trouble, and he promised me he d do so. He urged me to stop and have the job finished. " Why," says he, " I ll willingly dew it for nothin ruther n have you go off so." " Young man," says I, " I m bleeged to ye, but if you d pull out every tooth in my head for nothin , I wouldn t stay five minnits longer. I m all wore out, and the sooner I git home the better." That was all I said. I hadn t the heart to scold him after I heerd about them Jits. " Poor ere- tur," thinks I to myself, " I don t wonder your wife feels worried about ye." ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. IO$ THE SCHOOL OF PHILOSOPHY. Cousin Tripheny she went down to old cord this summer, and tended the School o Filosofy ; so when she come back she was chuck full on t. Between you n me I don t believe she had much idee of what it all meant, but she thought it was a great thing, any way, and she talked so much about it to the sewin circle and the litterary meetin s that she created quite a fury, and bimeby nothin would dew but we must have a Wimmiris School o Filosfy there in Craney Holler. So one afternoon Tripheny and Mis Giddins they come down to my house together to talk it over with me ; they wanted me to jine ; in fact, they invited me to be the " deen " or deeness, same s Perfessor Harris was, you know. " All these things have a head says Tripheny, "and to my mind, you, Ruth Ann, are peremi- nently suited to fill that high posishion." " I declare I m obleeged to ye," says I (for I did predate the honor and no mistake), " but I don t feel as if I was fit. I m free to confess that 1 don t know nothin about the things they discussed on to them meetin s this summer more n the cat does. I tried faithful to read some o the lecturs re ported in the newspapers, but I had to give em up. I think s like enough they was too deep for rne; 106 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. but I wouldn t be afraid to ventur my repertation as a sensible woman, that there wa n t one single practical idee to the bottom on em ! Anc 5 what s the use o breakin your neck to go so awful deep, when there aint nothin wuth goin after !" Oh, wall," says Tripheny, sniffin and fidgetin round in her chair, "if you feel that way, we can t do anything with you, of course, but I m real disappinted. Ruth Ann, I am disappinted !" She looked so sorter took down and reproach ful that I felt bad for her. So after thinkin a minnit " See here," says I, "if you ll le mme se- ieck some of your subjecks I dunno but what I ll consent to sarve, and be your what-ye-may-call-it Deeness is it ? Upon that they both brightened up. "Agreed, of course," they says ; " now lets perceed to business." So we went on to consider who should belong to it. Tripheny said it was best to invite all them we wanted to have jine, so s to keep out " the rabble." "There wa n t no rabble to the Concord School, I tell you," says she. "And furthermore there .can t be no young girls ; that is, no good lookiri ones. There wa n t a single decent lookin woman in the hull Concord School ! / was the best lookin one o the lot ; and you know I haint got no beauty to brag on," she said, laughin . (She is mortal homely.) " If that s the case," says I, " p raps / ain t homely enough." " Oh la, you ll dew," says Mis Giddins. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID IO? " That s all right," says Tripheny. They vva n t so complimentary as they might be, but I didn t care for that ; I had an objeck in view. " But I dunno," says I, hangin back ; " I ain t willin to shet out the young and harnsome ; they d orter have priveleges same s other folks. My idee is, that harnsome girls is naterally jest as bright and sensible as homely ones. The trouble is, we set sech high vally on beauty, that we re apt to think nater can t afford to give brains along with it, and so don t look for em. Better give the pretty girls a chance," says I. " Dew have everything your own way then !" snapped Tripheny, kinder out o patience. Then she laughed and shrugged up her shoulders, and says she, " After all, I ain t one mite afeared any harn some girls 11 want to jine bein s there ain t no men folks in the consarn." "That s so," says Mis Giddins. Wall, we went ahead and orginized, and the upshot on t was, that we held our fust meetin the next Tuesday evenin in the old yeller school- house at the middle o the town. As Tripheny was the founder of the school she picked out the fust subjeck and handed it round aforehand, so s all the members might be perpared. Her subjeck was "Molecules? When I heard it I says, "Molecules! for the land s sake, what be them ? Some kind o ani mals I s pose ; but who knows anything about em r " You re mistakened ; they ain t animals," says 108 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Tripheny, shettin her lips together, and lookin awful knovvin . " I dew hope and trust, Tripheny," says I, " that you ve chose a good moral subjeck." (To tell the truth, I hain t no great opinion of Tripheny s judgment.) She tossed up her head a good mind to bemad, and says she, "It was one o the fust Concord subjecks, any way ; and I guess what s good enough for them orter be good enough for us /" " All right," says I, " only I m afraid you ll have to dew most o the talkin and explatteratin yourself. Seem s if some more common subjeck would a been better for the fust." "No sech thing!" she says. "Let em study it up. It ll dew em good to use their brain,} a little ! They can all go to the dictionary, a.ad there s other books. Then, some on em has got college edjicated husbands ; they orter know some- thin about molecules," says she. Wall, I didn t make much preperation for the meetin myself ; it wa n t necessary. I was the deeness, you know, and my main business was to set on the platform and keep em in order, &c. I wa n t obliged to diskuss unless I wanted to. When the meetin was fairly throwed open, I called on the Square s wife to speak fust, and stated that afterwards I hoped the others would all feel free to take part and arger and diskuss promisc ous. When I set down, the Square s wife riz up and crossed her arms over her stummuck, awful im- ADVENTURES OF A A OLD MAID. I0g posin and digherfied, and begun jest as she al- wers does to the prayer meetins ! " My dear brutheren and sisters, I feel " birt here Tripheny stopped her by givin her a tre- men jus nudge. " Molecules / molecules ! " whispered Tripheny, to remind her where she was and what a dewin . The Square s wife looked at her savage as a meat ax, and begun agin jest as she did afore, exackly. " My dear brutheren and sisters, I feel as if the subjeck afore us this evenin was a very mo* mentuous one very," Tripheny drawed in a long breth, and every body leaned forrard and listened. " I ve give this subjeck all the attention that my multiflorious dooties would allow, and I con fess I find it a deep one an awful deep one." As nigh as I can make out, molecules is minuti- cal small ; smaller than a grain o sand or a mote in a sunbeam, and a muskeeter s eye is big long side o one ! Fact is, you can t see a molecule, nor begin ter, not with the naked eye." Here she stopped a minnit to take a pinch o snuff, and Mis Deacon Jones broke in : " If that s the case," said she, sniffin up her nose contemptewous, " I shouldn t consider em wuth mentionin . Any thing you can t see at all with the naked eye must be pooty small pertaters. There s plenty o bigger things to talk about ; why not take an animal with some size tew it ?" The Square s wife give her a witherin look. " It s plain to be seen," says she, " that you are mournfully ignorant of the hull subjeck. There- 110 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. fore and consequentially you undervally it. But small things ain t to be despised by no manner o means. Have you forgot how St. Paul says, Take care d the minutes and the hours will take care d themselves ? and agin the butiful poim that begins, Little drops of water ? More n all, have you forgot (though it s doubt ful if you ever knew) the proverb, Many a little makes a mickle, 1 which is Latting for much ! That s it : Many molecules make a big thing. Besides, and moreover, molecules is in every thing." She stopped to take another pinch o snuff (she s an awful snuff-taker), and Tripheny thinkin she d said bout enough picks it up and goes on. " There s one very sollum thought occurs to my mind in connection with this subjeck," says she, " and that is that the soul o man, as many believe, was originally a molecule a mere speritooal atom as it were and now see the grand thing it has growed to be !" " Hum !" says Mis Deacon Jones, " that s easy enough to believe ; some on em hain t growed a bit to this day ! But when you undertake to tell me that them ere molecules is in everything, I can t swaller it, and whafs more, I wont ! " says she, gittin excited. I rapped on the table, and says very firm, " Let us obsarve becomin order and dignerty in this ere school, ladies." " Wall," says the deacon s wife, carmin down a grain, " I should like to ask the Square s wife one question." ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Ill " Sartingly," says the Square s wife dretful con- descendin ; " as many as you please." " Do you mean to tell me, then, that there s moelcules in my currant jell that I had ter bile three mortal hours by the clock (for the currants was too ripe, and it wouldn t jell a minnit sooner) ? I s pose now that there jell is full o them cret- urs, alive and kickin ?" says she, sarcastic. " I s pose no amount o bilin would kill em ? " " Ondoubtedly," says the Square s wife, " for cordin to science they re alwers in motion, and if they was biled dead, how could they move ? You cant kill em." So say in she looked round in triump. " Wall, then," says the deacon s wife, most a cryin "all I ve got to say is that they re horrid pesky creturs, and no credit to science -nor Pro vidence nuther ! " That remark did sound kind o unchristian for a deacon s wife to make, didn t it ? We was all shocked, and Tripheny jumped up in a hurry and says she : " Massy sakes alive ! you don t think mole cules is real animals, dew ye ? Why, don t the dictionary say distinckly that they re particles o matter, and they haint no signs of life about em, only they have motion, that s all ! Twouldn t hurt ye if you should swaller a mote from a sun beam, would it ? Wall, molecules is jest the same, only smaller." " Oh, la, now, I dew feel relieved !" says Mis Jones. " I s posed they was somethin like em mets, and emmets I hate wuss n pizen ? But some folks" with a meanin nod towards the H2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Square s wife, " orter know a leetle grain more before they undertake to instruck their nabors." The Square s wife she never took no notice ; she just set down and pulled out her knittin and went to work. There wan t many more speakers, and when they got done we wound up with a kind of so ciable pow-wow, and everybody got to feelin pleasant and happy as could be. When the clock struck nine I riz up and pounded on the table. " Ladies o the Craney Holler School o Fil- osophy," says I : "The subjeck to be discussed at our next session is one of an altogether different natur from that we have considered to-night ; to wit, namely Wimmiris Extravagance : and be the Men to Blame for t?" They all seemed to think favorable, for they clapped their hands and looked dretful pleased. Then we ajourned. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, THE DEACON S WIFE SPEAKS. At the close of the fust meetin of the " Wim- min s School o Filosofy," you ll remember that I nounced the next subjeck as " Wimmin s Ex travagance ; and wherein be the men to blame for t ?" Wall, the deacon s wife she come right down the next day to see me and talk it over. She was mazin exercised about it. " Ruth Ann," says she to me, shakin her head dubious, " I m awful fraid this ere school of ourn is goin to make a rumpus twixt us and the men-folks, ain t you? Specially if we go to layin blame onto em for any of our doin s, they ll feel dretful crossgrained and hard agin us, and massy knows tain t any tew easy to git along with some on em now. I, for one, don t say for dewin anything to stir em up and git em mad. The deacon don t prove o this school no way. He s been pickin out chapters for family devo tions this fortnight all bearin on female submis sion, and so on. This mornin I spunked up and told him I didn t think the postle Paul s opinion o wimmin s duty amounted to shucks. " What does an old bachelder know bout wim- min ?" says I. " And what does a pack of old maids know bout men / says he, firin up. "Wan t that real mean, Ruth Ann ?" 114 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. I laughed. "Mis Jones," says I, "you might a told him that we know all we wanter know bout men, unless it s better ! But we needn t fret ; our school ain t a wimmin s rights consarn by no manner o means, and you can explain to him, that we should a invited the men to jine, only we felt kinder modest ; thought we could do better by ourselves ; same s female prayer meetin , you know. How could we git up and say any thing in the presence of our sooperiors?" says I. "Oh now you re makin fun o the men !" says the deacon s wife, laughin , " and I don t blame you. They re a consaited, pigheaded lot ! and I will say it, if / be a married woman !" says she, lookin over her shoulder to make sure the deacon wa n t nowheres round. "There s lots o good men in the world," says I, carm and candid. " Oh, the deacon s^y^enough, for that matter, but I d ruther he d be a little more agreeable, if he wa n t so awful good !" " That s a little mite hard on the deacon," says I, laughin . " I don t care if tis !" she snapped. " It s the truth, any way !" Then she went on with her knittin and seemed to feel better. " This subjeck you ve picked out is a fustrate one," she resoomed bimeby ; "but there s a good many ways o lookin at it, I guess." " Yes," says I ; "extravagance is a word that s been misapplied and bused about as much as any w^rd in the English language. Mean, stingy folk* call that extravagant that ain t only jest A&VEN1URES OF AN OLD MAID. 11$ comfortable ; and then agin what s extravagant for the poor to do, ain t only jest right and propei for rich folios ; don t you see?" " Yes, 1 dew," says the deacon s wife, "and that s what riles me so when the deacon insists on my skimpin and pinchin as a dooty. If we wan t well off, with money in the bank, I wouldn t say a \vord. But Ruth Ann, I tell you I wouldn t dars to say it to everybody the way that man contrives to save does beat all ! " Sometimes his notions is laughable ! The hat he wore when we was married, and for a good many years afterwards too, is up in the garret long with other old things that s laid there this thirty year, for he never lows me to give a thing away ; says everything comes in course some time. But this hat is a white stovepipe jest sech a hat as Yankee Jonathan always wears in Mister Nast s picters. I spose it looked all right in the day on t but noiv oh, dear ! " Wall, every spring in house cleanin time, when I m up garret puttin things to rights up he comes reg lar, to make sure all his old sculch is safe ! His stove funnels and cracked cider jugs, and old cart wheels oh, and I d o rter mentioned long with the hat, a black silk vest with picters of George Washin ton all over it. It used to be his uncle s, and he left it there when he died ; it s all ragged now, a sight to see. " Wall, year after year, as sure as the spring and house cleanin comes round, the deacon follers me up garret, and the fust thing he spies out is gin* erally the old hat. He picks it up, puts it on his head and turns to me and says, very severe : il6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " Betsey, what s the matter with this ere hat f Why is it laid one side ? " And I laugh invariable and say, Why, John Henry, how forgitful you be ! don t you know that ere was your weddin hat ? it s been up here this thirty year. " Is that so ? says he, takin it off and lookin at it. But I don t see as anything ails \\ good enough to wear to rthe barn any way. " So he puts the redickerlous thing on his head and goes on rummagin round. " Bimeby he comes acrost the old vest hangin in a corner, takes it down, looks it over careful and finally puts that on tew, top of his stri-ped frock, and comes to me and says agin severer than ever: " I tell ye now, Betsey, once for all, we can t afford to throw away good clo es, and I wont have it ! What s the matter o this ere vest ? "Then, Ruth Ann, I -look up at him standin there you know how fat he is, and what a fig- ger with that short waisted rag of a vest but toned acrost his stummuck, and his stri-ped frock hangin down, his blue overhalls tucked into his boots, and that weddin hat set one side of his head and I jest laugh, and screech, and holler, Jill I m bout givn out ; and the deacon gits mad and tarin , and like enough the white stovepipe rolls off on to the floor, or the valooable vest splits out somewheres, and that tickles me all the more ! " Then the deacon sets tew and lecturs me, and ginerally winds up by sayin : " A pooty deacon s wife you be ! you ve got bout as much dignerty as a four year old colt ! ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 117 "But I can t help it," says she ; " it s enough to make Lot s wife laugh, after she was turned into the pillar of salt !" When we had got done laughin the deacon s wife wiped her eyes and turned to me real serious. " Ruth Ann," she says, " I come over a purpose to see about that next meetin of ourn. I tell you I ain t a-goin to let the Square s wife set clown on ire agin and don t you forgit it ! I reckon I know as much about this subjeck as what she does. But there, I ve done all the talkin so fur, now I ll keep still and give you a chance." " I reckon," says I, "that a good many folks is accused o bein extravagant that ain t so at all. There s them Dodge girls on the hill ; you know how stylish and well dressed they alwers look, specially Mariar, the oldest one. Wall, she s harnsome as a picter to begin with got one o them nateral pink and white complexion-s that ll wash and bile, as you might say, and a figger that don t need no five dollar corsets to fetch it into shape, and whatever she puts on she looks dressed out to kill, don t she ? I ve heard the Square s Lizy Jane say many a spiteful thing bout Mariar Dodge s extravagance, when the fact is, Mariar never pertends to wear anything better n a cash meer in winter or a pretty muslin in summer. " But it takes silks and satings and all creation to rig out Lizy Jane, and then she looks more like a feather bed with a string tied round the middle than anything else. Though she ain t to blame for her looks as I know on." " No," says the deacon s wife, "only its a pity she can t be a leetle more pleasant in her ways, to IlS ADVENTURES OF AN OLD kinder make up for bein so homely. But I ve noticed, that, as a general thing, the \vuss folks look, the more disagreeable tney act. Now, 1 never see a hunchback in my life, that wa n t as consaited and hateful as he could be." " There may be some truth in that," says I ; " I ve often thought so myself. But let s consider the last part of our subjeck, wherein be the men to blame ? " " Oh, wall," says the deacon s wife, rollin up her knittin and gettin ready to go, " I guess per haps we married wimmri hadn t better arger that pint much. We ll kinder talk round it and lead tip teiv it as it were and then you and Sera- phine and the rest o the young girls can take hold. Not that I m afraid, but, as I said afore, I don t want to create no hard feelin s among the men." When she got to the door, though, she looked back, and says she : " All the same, Ruth Ann, if the Square s wife happens to pitch into the men Tuesday night, 1 shall foller soot ! She ain t a-goin to git ahead o me this time, not if the deacon sues for a di- 7 oice the very next mornin !" ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 119 MODERN IMPROVEMENTS. Some o these ere modern improvements don t amount to much, cordin to my way o thinkin 1 . But it is wonderful, and no mistake, how many inventions and machines there is now-day s. I think s likely the time is comin when machines 11 do all the work and run themselves! And what a heaven upon arth that will be for lazy folks, won t it ! Haymakers can lay on the grass then, and drink molasses and water all the time, and hired girls can look out o the winder and chew gum from mornin till night. But I m kinder old fashioned, and these new fangled things put me out and plague me enough sight more n they help me. I don t want no patent coffy-pots nor meat- bakers nor steamers. No, nor ile stoves scentin 1 up the house and takin away your appertite before hand ; nor gas stoves, to be bustin when you least expect. Nothin o the kind for me ! I couldn t git a decent meal o vittles with em to save my life. Them that wants em can have em for all me ! But I ve seen a good many articles o furnitoor, easy chairs and lounge-bedstids, and so on, that was real comfortable. Then agin, there is some so-called patent comforts that is tortures, and the men that invented em orter be hung. When I was in Jersey visitin my nefew, John I2O ADI EtfTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Longly, he had jest bought out a patent head-rest consarn, and he was all carried away with it. Thought it was goin to make his fortin in no time. It was a contrivance to screxv on to the back of a chair, or any kind of seat, so s you could lean back somethin like lyin down. It was specially designed for folks travellin in the cars. Wall, I found out after I d been with em a while that Mary, his wife, was a perfeck marter to that machine. She told me as much herself. Said whenever they went to any public place, or rode in the cars, John alwers took some o the head-rests along, and made her set with her head screwed into one, to advertise em. And she said it was awful, the pain she suffered. But she didn t dars to complain, for fear John would think she didn t take no interest. One day there was an excursion on the cars, ever so many miles out into the country, and John invited Mary and me to go. I was pleased with the idee, and Mary would a been, only for dread- in the head-rest. "Oh, dear, Ruth Ann," says she, "I thinks likely he ll put one on to both of us !" " Don t worry !" says I, shettin my teeth to gether like a trap, so I shouldn t let out no more. You see I d thought the thing over, and I d made up my mind to larn John a little lesson if I had a chance. Well, we went to the excursion. We enjoyed the fust part o the ride, lookin out o the winder and watchin the folks round us ; a queer lot they was. You know all sorts ginerally goes to excur sions. There was one family right in front of ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 121 us that didn t seem to be makin a pint of enjoyin themselves, whatever else they was doin . It was a woman and three little girls. I s pose the woman was their mother, but no old maid ever lived that was half so fussy as what she was. She wouldn t let them children wink hardly. It was scold and fret the whole durin time. If one on em leaned forrard or backards a mite or nes led round, or stood up, it was, " Don t, Jane Mariar 1 don t, Sary Ellen ! or don t, Car line Elizy !" I did pity the poor little things ; they looked as if they didn t dars to breathe nateral. Finally, the woman gives the littlest one (she vva n t much more n a baby) a smart shakin , and says she, " Now, Sary Ellen, if you don t set down and keep still, you shall take a big spunful o caster He, quick s we git home !" Upon that the poor little creatur crep into a corner of the seat, and began to whimper pitiful. " Caster He!" says I to Mary. " If that don t beat all for a punishment !" " I never looked upon ix as much else," says Mary, laugh in . " 1 don t care ; she s an onhuman mother, any way !" says I, and I was jest thinkin how I d like to make her swaller a whole bottle full, when John come along in with a couple o head-rests under his arm. He d sold a number in the forrard cars, and he was feelin pretty well over it. " Ruth Ann, and Mary," says he, "you must be gittin tired ; le m me put you on a rest ? They tell me," says he, awful elated, "that this ere rest is wuth its weight in gold ! I alwers knew there 122 ADVENTURE* OF AN OLD MAID. was money in it, and I didn t make no mistake, now don t you forgit it !" "Oh, yes," says I to John, "I should admire to have one on ! They must be a dretful com fort." Mary, she stared as if she didn t know what un-.ler the sun to make of me, but she didn t speak. He put mine on fust, and then Mary s, and givin us some directions in case folks wanted to know the price or buy, he went off into the smokin car. After he d gone, we set and looked at one nother a spell, and then we begun to squirm. " Mary," says I, carm and candid, " this ere head rest may be a boon to a hearty man with narves of steel and sinews of iron, but you n me hain t got the constitushion for it." She smiled a sickly smile, and that was all. Pretty soon I begun to be in crampy pains all over, specially down the spine o my back. I tried to move a grain, but in doin so, I give my neck a wrench that made me scream right out. " Mary," says I, " I do believe I ve got serrybro spinal-get is." "Oh, dear!" she says, " I hope not. How do you feel ?" " I feel as if I should fly all to pieces ! That s how I feel !" says I. savage as a meat ax. "Oh, hush! Don t speak so loud. Folks 11 hear, and then they won t buy. We mustn t spile the sales! But, oh dear me," she went on in a faint whisper, " I believe it s wuss n common to-day . " ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 123 She was pale as death, and her eyes looked tumble pitiful. The sight of her seemed to be the last straw with me, and I got so excited that I was on the pint o doin some desperate thing, when I looked up, and there w^as John, sarnterin along in smilin , pleasant as a baskit o chips. And I remembered my little plan. " Hullo ! How do you like it ? says he, lookin at us and then round on the folks in the car, as much as to say, " Ladies and gentlemen, what luxury !" " Oh," says I, bracin every narve in my body to speak common and ordinary, " it s complete ! I shall buy some to take home with me. But I want to understand all about em fust ; how they work and everything. You jest take our n off now, and let Mary show me how to put one on } r ou, then I shall understand." He was awful pleased to find me so took with his machine. He let us out, and settin down oppersite to us, stretched out his legs, and lay back as if he was goin in for solid comfort now. Mary looked dumfoundered, but she showed me how to screw the long part on to the back of the seat, and how to fix the clamps, one on each side of John s head, and tighten em up. I give em an extra turn or tew, and I m free to confess that I enjoyed doin of it. " I guess you ve got em screwed up a lee tie tight" says John, smilki gastly. "Oh, no," says I : "they re jest where ourn was, and ourn was ^ Dutiful and easy." He set for a minnit, and tried to look carrn 124 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. and comfortable, but finally begun to move rounii and squirm jest as we did. " I guess/ says he, "that I must have it took off now. I should love dearly to set with ye and rest longer, but I must go I must go and see a man" " Nonsense !" says I, " set still and enjoy your self ; we can t spare you yet. Besides, folks are all lookin at ye and thinkin how comfortable you look. You ll spile your sales if you go jest now." He mopped his face with his hankerchif. " Wall, then," says he, " you ll have to loosen these clamps a grain. They don t seem to fit my head jest right somehow." " Fit your head !" says I. "Why, I thought they fitted everybody s head ! We didn t have no trouble, did we, Mary?" I fumbled round and pertended to loosen em, but I didn t ; I tightened em, if anything. He was ashamed to say any more, but he looked savage. I took out my knittin and set down side of him, and begun to talk careless and happy as a cricket. I joked and laughed and made fun, and didn t take a mite o notice of his sufferin s. Mary, she begun to see what I was up tew, but she didn t hardly dars to interfere. She was most a cryin ; she couldn t bear to have her great strong husband suffer what she had herself. 2 could though, for I knew it would dew him good. Bimeby he couldn t set still a single minnit, he was in sech pain. I knew jest how he felt. " Why, John," says I, " how res less you be ; keep ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 2$ still now, and try to have a nap. I won t talk to you no more." But jest at that ere pint of time I s pose he give out, for he threw up both legs and arms, give his neck a twist that snapped the old machine into a dozen pieces, and streaked it out o that car, so quick that you couldn t hardly see him. How folks stared. " Nightmare !" says I, real loud. " He s dretful subjeck to nightmare when ever he falls asleep. Pity to spile the valuable head-rest, wa n t it, though ?" Then I stooped down to pick up the pieces and most died a laughin . I had a letter from Mary the other day, and she says that John has gone out o the head-rest busi ness. Moril : There s nothin like personal expert-* ence. I guess that head-rest was a humbug sure enough, and everybody found it out, that had any- thing to do with it, but of course there is inven tions that seem to be real blessin s to mankind. There s one that s ginerally considered sech that Fm dead set aginst, and while I m on this subjeck I ll jest give it a little hit. I refer to the electrick light. I say it is a flantin , darin , blasfemous thing ! A slap in the face o natur , as you might say ! Gas was bad enough, but it didn t put out the moon and stars, and make all the lights in God s fundament look sick and silly ! I think it becomes human natur to be kinder rev rent and umble, seein we re only the dust of the arth, and I tell you the electrick light won t prosper ! 126 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. One thing: it makes everybody look like dead folks, and I m glad of it ! Nobody won t have it in their houses, seein it ain t becotnin ! I ain t afraid o the electrick light though, wicked as it is, but I am afraid of the telcfone ! I don t dars to use it ; never tempted tew but once. That was when I was visitin to brother Lonzo s. He had one in his store and another in his house, and sister-in-law Sarah seemed totake solid com fort talkin through it. It was right m the front entry fastened up aginst the wall, and I declare I used to hate to go past it for fear it would speak or dew somethin tew me. Sarah she tried to git me to use it ; said I wouldn t feel so about it after I d used it a few times ; but I didn t git up my courage to try, till one day when she was out, I thought I d go alone and speak through it ; then if anything happened nobody d be there to laugh at me. Wall, I took the trumpit that hangs tied 01 to it, and put it up to my ear, and pounded down the button twice, jest as I d seen Sarah dew, and buzz, buzz, whir, whir, went the most on- arthly noise you ever heard ; then snap, snap, and crackle, and out of it all, a terrible voice from way off somewheres said, " F II call for yo^t, to-night > Be ready! " I dropped that trumpit and flopped down into a chair, all cf a heap ! There Sarah found me, fainted clean awav ! I told her about the noises * and the words that was spoke, and she said it wa n t nothin oncommon. Somebody else was talkin on the same line. But I couldn t get red o the notion that it was the evil one himself, and I S OF AN OLD MAID. more n half expected he d be round after me that night, to cairy me off bodily, but he didn t come. I guess he thought a good scare was all I des- arved. They laughed at me and argered with me, but I d got enough, and I haint never tam pered with a telefone from that day to this. I must tell ye how Deacon Jones got fooled, when I was to his house last summer. You know the deacon s awful savin , and he hadn t took no newspaper for years ; said how he could hear enough o the wicked doin s of the world without payin money to read about em. Wall, he went over to Bangton one mornin to carry some butter and eggs, and buy groceries and one thing n other they was needin , and Mis Jones and me v e had a good long day all to our selves. Between sundown and dark, we was settin to gether knittin and talkin , when the deacon come in. He laid his bundles down on the table with out sayin a word. He alwers invariable used to say, " There, wife, there s your groceries ; use em sparin , use em sparin ." So this time we didn t know what to make on him. He looked oncom- mon sober, too. " Father," says Mis Jones, " what s the matter? Didn t the things sell well ?" " Yes, the things sold well enough," says he, "but I found out somethin down to Bangton that s jest about upset me." "The bank haint failed " No, no ! For the land sake, ain t there no troubles in this world but money troubles !" says the deacon real snappish. 128 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. "Why, yes, of course," says Mis Jones, "but dew tell us what is the matter !" Then he set down and told us. " You know Widder Grimes oldest boy, James, has been to work in Barker s grocery store for more n a year. You remember what a nice boy he s alwers been, good habits and all that, and sence his father died he s the main stay o the family, as you might say. It was only the other day his mother was tellin me bout him ; how well he was gettin along, and how Barker meant to take him in pard- ner this fall. She seemed so proud and happy over it. She s jest bound up in that boy ! But I ll tell ye how it was. After I d done my arrants and packed all the bundles away under the buggy seat, I went back into Barker s store and set down on a box to eat a bite o lunch and rest me a minnit, when James Grimes come in. I noticed he looked kinder queer. He steered straight for the back end o the store, and leanin up agin the wall, begun to go through with the silliest lot o performances I ever see. If he hadn t been more n six year old, I should a thought he was makin believe at some kind o child s play ! He pertended to be talkin to somebody, hollered "hullo!" and "all right !" and a whole mess o stuff, then laughed as hearty as could be, at his own nonsense. I couldn t believe it of James, and I turns to Jeff Adams, standin by me, Drunk, ain t he ? says I. Jeff didn t make no answer, only winked one eye and grinned. It was a good joke to him I s pose, but it wa n t to me ; I teli you I felt like death, and I went and got out my team and come away as quick s I could. And ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. the wust on t is, it 11 jest about kill the.Widder Grimes !" Mis Jones wiped her eyes, " Poor woman, God help her !" says she. All of a suddin an idee popped into my head. I says to the deacon : " Did James say Hullo ! when he fust begun to talk ?" " Yes. He kep sayin on t over n and over." " And didn t he hold somethin up to his ear ?" " I didn t mind. There was a lot o things all cluttered up hangin on the wall behind him ; corn poppers, and tin-ware, and so on but why, what are you drivin at, Ruth Ann ?" " Wall," says I, " I think James was jest talkin through a telefone one o them talkin machines, you know." "Telefone!" says the deacon, all struck of a heap. " I ve heerd on em. Do you s pose they ve got one in Barker s store ? I dunno." " How should ye know anything^ for that mat ter, when we don t take no newspaper !" said his wife, kinder spiteful. "I swanny !" says the deacon, "if I don t be lieve you re right, Ruth Ann ! James wouldn t git drunk I might a knowed it !" He went off post haste over to neighbor Fuller s to make inquiries, and he found out that Barker had got a telefone, and that James Grimes was stiddy as an eight-day clock, jest as he alwers had been. The best on t was, the deacon concluded to take a newspaper. I3O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE. Have you ever had anything to do with this ere life insurance business ? If you hain t you d orter be thankful that you never got drawed into it. Like enough it s a good thing in some cases, but then agin it makes a sight o mischief. You remember Uncle Joe and Aunt Betsey Flanders up to Dobson s Corner ? Everybody knows em that ever lived nigh the Corner. They ve alwers been considered likely folks, only ruther tight and graspin at least Uncle Joe. I guess Aunt Betsey is free-handed enough. Wall, I jest wanted to tell ye what a piece o work that insurance business made with them. In the fust place, it did seem as if a eperdem- ick of all sorts o travellin consarns had struck the town that summer. There was patent medi cine men, healin mejums, fortin -tellers and lightnin -rod men, and last of all an insurance agent come along, and he got hold of Uncle Joe the fust thing, and followed him up. He fairly harnted the poor man till he finally give in he d have his life insured if his wife would have hern. Wall, one day Uncle Joe come home to din ner. I remember we had biled dish that day. It was his favorite dinner; seemed as if he couldn t never git enough, specially of cabbage. lie often used to say to his wife : "Betsey, there ain t nothin so eood on the AN INSURANCE AGENT GOT HOLD OF UNCLE JOE AND FOLLOWKI, HIM UP, TILL HE FINALLY GIVE IN HE D HAVE HIS LIKE INSURED. (Page 130.) I3 2 ADVEXTV RES OF AN OLD MAID. face o the airth as pork and cabbage ! " So they had it once and sometimes twice a week. But that day I speak on he might as well been eatin chips and water for all sense he took on t. He seemed to be thinkin out somethin awful deep and serious, and there he set and sometimes most forgot to eat. Aunt Betsey she noticed it, and bimeby she says, " For pity s sake, father, what s the matter with ye ? Ain t you goin to eat your cabbage ? That s only your fust help, too. I hope to massy you ain t sick ! " "Sick! no," says Uncle Joe, startin up as if he was shot. " Do I look sick ?" " Why, no, I dunno as you dew, but you haint spoke sence you set down to the table, and why don t you eat your dinner ? " says she. " Do lemme be," says he. " Can t I have no chance to think in my own house ? " " Oh, sartin, sartin ; think all you want ter," says Aunt Betsey. " But you ain t in the habit o doin much heavy brain work while pork and cabbage sets afore ye." That s all there was said till we d finished our dinners. Uncle Joe ate his biled injun puddin jest as he had the rest on t without seemin to taste or sense it at all ; then he laid down his knife and fork, tilted his chair back agin the wall, and, fixin a sharp look onto his wife s face, be gun : " Wife," he says, " I ve been thinkin whuther no it wouldn t be a good plan J $ git our lives in sured" " Good Lordy massy ! " scr< J.-TJS Aunt Betsey. ADVENTURES OF AK OLD MAID. 133 droppin the puddin dish and breakin it all to smash, " what put that idee into your head ? Don t ye do no sech thing, father ; you ll be sure to up and die. I never knew it to fail ! " " Do talk like a sensible critter," says Uncle Joe. " There s a man here repersentin a mutual life insurance consarn ; it s different from most on em. We both insure- you and me and then if I die fust you git the money, and if you die fust / git the money ! Don t ye see ? " Aunt Betsey she stood and stared at him for much as a minute, a piece o the puddin dish in her hand and her mouth wide open ; then she dropped down into a chair all of a heap and be gun to cry and take on. " Oh, Joseph Flanders," says she, " have we lived together in peace and harmony now goin on thirty year to begin all to once to trade arid barter and gamble in one nother s lives ? I wouldn t a believed it, I wouldn t." Uncle Joe he explained arid scolded and coaxed, but it didn t do no good, and he finally went off to work. But in the evenin he fetched round the insurance man- he was a dretful ily, smooth-tongued feller and the upshot on t was that, somehow between em, they finally got Aunt Betsey to say she d go and be examined and have her life insured, though she stuck to it she didn t approve on t no more n ever. The next mornin Uncle Joe started right off with her to the insurance office, for fear if he waited she d change her mind. They found the doctor there all ready to examine em, and a clerk with a list o questions a yard long before him, 134 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. set scribblin away at a table. When they was all ready, he picks up the list, and says to Aunt Betsey without lookin up : " Colored or ivJiite 9 " " What ! " says Aunt Betsey. He says it agin, just as if he was a machine. " Colored or white ? " "Young man, if you mean am / colored or white, jest look and see for yourself. I never was took for a nigger yet ! " says Aunt Betsey. " Married or single ? " he continnered,- scratch- in awav. y "You sassy boy !" she screams. " Do I look like an old maid ? And ain t my husband along with me ? Ketch me here if it wa n t for him," she grumbled. Then he asked her how old she was, and how old her father and mother and gran father and gran mother was when they died, and what they died of, and a lot more. Then they went through the same rigmarole with Uncle Joe, and got em both so tuckered out and mixed up that when they come to the children they couldn t make out between em whuther it was their darter Sary Ellen that died o the measles and John Henry o the scarlet fever, or Sary Ellen of the fever and John Henry o the measles. After a good deal o talk the agent said it wa n t essenshul, and put somethin down and let it go. Then the doctor he took em in hand. He took Uncle Joe fust. Fie rapped on his back, sounded his lungs, and measured his chist. " You re a tough old chap, ain t ye ?" says he. when he got through. Live to be a hundred year ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 135 old if you don t die of apperplexy. Good feeder, ain t ye ?" givin him a punch in the stummuck. Now Uncle Joe s stummuck is prommynent, and he knows it, and he took every word the doctor said in dead arnest. "Apperplexy /" he gasps ; " you don t mean to say I m inclined that way, do ye, doctor?" It tickled the doctor to see how he d scairt him, and he says, very sollum : " If we hadn t all got the seeds o death in us, we shouldn t never die." Aunt Betsey she knew well enough what he was up to, and she pulled Uncle Joe s coat-tail : " Don t ye see, father, he s only jokin ," she whis pered. But he was scairt and nervous, and he couldn t git over it so easy. Then they examined Aunt Betsey ; they meas ured her round the waist for one thing. " I hain t got no call to be proud o my waist now, I know," she says to the doctor, " but I ve seen the day I wore a eighteen-inch corset !" " Is that so? Twice eighteen s thirty-six," says the doctor. " You ain t no silph now, that s a fact." " I hope not," says Aunt Betsey ; " I hope I m a decent woman," she says, dravvin herself .up some. " Oh," says the doctor, " I guess silphs is good likely women enough, only they don t generally have much waist to em." " Oh ? I shouldn t wonder if they pinch em in some women do," says Aunt Betsey. " Like enough, like enough !" says the doctor, winkin one eye at the clerk. l?,6 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. After they d got done measurin they sounded her lungs, and so on. " My inward orgins is all right, I guess," says she, laughin ; " if they ain t I never hear nothin from em." "What! don t your heart never go \vhipperty whop, when you get berlated to meetin , and have to hurry down stairs, with your gloves and bun- nit and parisol and him-book and clean handker- chif in one hand, and your husband s clean col- lor in t other ?" " Yes, it does," agrees Aunt Betsey, laughin harty, " specially when I find father s gone off after all, without even changin his shirt !" But Uncle Joe didn t smile. " Do you think there s anything the matter with mother s heart ?" he asks. " As I told ye before, so I tell ye now," says the doctor, sollum as a judge, " if the seeds o death wa n t in us all, we shouldn t never die." "La, now, father," says Aunt Betsey, "don t you worry. My heart is sound s a nut. The doctor can t scare me" The doctor didn t say nothin , only he winked one eye agin to the clerk, and the clerk laughed. I think that doctor was real mean. I always did hate these winky men. Anyway, he got Uncle Joe so kinder narvous and worked up, that he went home with his head full o notions about his own health, and his wife s too. Not long after, Aunt Betsey come to me one mornin , and says she, " Ruth Ann, I can t stan it ! I hain t had a decent night s rest sence we got our lives insured. If I even turn over in my ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 137 sleep, or snore the leastest mite in the world, your uncle springs up on end, and asks me if I ain t sick ? Where I feel bad ? and so on. Last night, after he d waked me up once or twice, I says to him, " Father, do for pity s sake lemmc alone ! If I ain t sick now, I shall be pretty soon, in good arnest ! if I ve got to be broke o my rest every night in this way ! And you don t sleep at all, yourself, do ye ? What ails ye ? What makes ye so dretful wakeful and anxious ? For the land s sake, don t lay awake to worry about me I m all right !" says I. " Be you sure, mother?" he says. " Don t you feel no trouble about your chist nowheres ? I thought you breathed kinder queer." "What under the canopy be you drivin at? You make me narvous !" says I, out o patience. "Oh, nothin , nothin ," says he, " only you know what the doctor said when you was exam ined. I should hate to have ye took away suddin and I not know it." I begun to understand. " Oh, that s it, is it ?" says I. " Wall, if you lay awake to see me die, vou ll have a long job of it ! That doctor was foolin , and if you wa n t a gump and a fool you d know it ! I hain t got no heart disease, more n you have, and I mean to live to be a widder yet ! says I, "for I was kinder mad to find him right on hand, as you might say, to have me die." He didn t wake her up no more o nights, but. he seemed so absent-minded and queer, that we begun to feel afraid his brains was affected. The wust thing he did, and what worried Aunt Betsey more n all the rest, was that he bout as 138 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. good as left off eatin . It was curls to watch him at the table he was naterally sech a hearty eater, ye see but now, he d set and pick over his vittles and chew away an awful while on next to nothin , and git up from the table lookin hungry and miserble. Aunt Betsey watched him till she couldn l stan it no longer, and one day she says to him, " Father, what are ye layin out to dew ? Anybody d most think ye was tryin ter starve yourself to death. I bet you ve lost ten pound o flesh within a month !" " Do you think so T says Uncle Joe, lookin as pleased as could be. "Guess I must git weighed and see." After that he ate a little more free, but not like himself, and Aunt Betsey contin- nered to fret. " I declare," she says to me, " I don t take a mite o comfort cookin for your uncle now-days ; he don t seem to relish a single thing ! There s them last mince pies that I took sech pains to make extry nice he hain t even tasted on em ! And did you hear what he said to-day bout cab bage ? When I went to help him to some, he says, says he, I guess I won t take none, Betsey ; cabbage is ruther Jiearty for me." " Ruther hearty /" says I, " for the land s sake, what does a strong workingman like you want, if it ain t suthin hearty ! I thought cabbage was your favorite, too," says I. " Wall, wall," says he, as cross as a bear, " can t a man change his mind? Do lemme eat what I wan ter, cant ye?" " Sartin," says I, "only if you ve made up your ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 139 mind to live without eatin , jest say so, and I won t work and slave cookin for nothin here after," says I. " Oh, wall," says he, " I thought I d kinder diet for awhile and see if my health wouldn t be better." "Die it!" I says, "guess you will, if you keep on, but you ain t sick now, more n the cat is, not a mite !" John Hodge, one o the neighbors, dropped in next even in , and he got to talkin , mong other things, about smokin . " Smokin ," says he, " is a injurous habit. My father declared in his last sickness that he hadn t no doubt but what it had shortened his life by full ten year, and I believe he was right." This idee so struck Uncle Joe that he most jumped out of his chair. " Strange, I never thought o that afore," he muttered kinder to himself. " I should say he lived long enough, in all con science," says Aunt Besey. " Who d wan ter live to be more n eighty-seven year old ?" Wall, if you ll believe if, from that night Uncle Joe begun to give up his pipe ! and a more mis- er ble, restless critter I never wan ter see. One evenin he held his old pipe in his mouth till bedtime, and there he set, seemin ly wrastlin with the longin to smoke. He couldn t read his paper, nor settle down to do nothin . Aunt Bet sey, she d seen what was goin on all along, and hadn t said a word for, nor aginst ; but that night he was so oncommon oneasy that she felt real bad for him. She goes down suller and draws a 140 ADVENTURES Of AN OLD MAID. great mug o cider and fetches it in, long with a dish o nuts and apples. But Uncle Joe didn t take no notice on em. So bimeby she lays her hand onto his shoulder and says real coaxin : " Come, now, father ; I don t believe it s a good plan for a man of your age to give up his pipe do you ? I can t see as it ever did you a speck o hurt, and I wouldn t torment myself no longer. Come, lemme light your pipe now, and you have a good smoke, and git carmed down and go to bed." He knocked the pipe out of her hand, and started up like a crazy critter. " Clear out, and hold your tongue, will ye !" he shouted. " A pretty wife you be ! If you s a decent woman you d be helpin me to perlong my life, instid o doin all you can to shorten it !" " Heavens and airth !" cries Aunt Betsey, " have you gone ravin crazy, father ! What do you mean !" I mean," says he, savage as a meat ax, "that you ve been all your life helpin on my apper- plexy ; stuffin me up with your dumbed mince pies, and the old Harry n all ! And that ain t enough, but now you must coax me to keep on smokin when you know it s goin to shorten my life by ten year or more ! But I can see through your little game, and I ll outwit ye. Yes, I ll outlive ye yet !" He yelled it out, glarin at her like a mad man, and brought his fist down on to the table with a blow that tipped over the cider-mug and sent the apples rolljn all over the floor. It a most took away Aunt Betsey s breath for ADTENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 14! a minute, but she looks him square in the eye, and says she, " Joseph Flanders, you are either a consummit raskil, or less your brains is fected bad one or t other. But you haint got no apperplexy, and you never have had not an atom ; and if you wa n t a gump and a fool you d know it ! That miserable insurance business is to the bottom on t all ! I see it now ! Fust you was goin to have me die o heart disease, and when I didn t fall in with that, you goes to work to per- long your own life. In plain English you re stewin and plannin for fear you shan t outlive me, and so git hold o the four thousan dollars ! Oh, Joe !" she sobs, " if I wa n t so tarnal mad, I b lieve my heart would bust !" And she sets down and rocks herself back ards and for ards and takes on bitter. When she spoke about her heart, Uncle Joe pricked up his ears, and looked at her sharp ; then he takes up the candle and goes off to bed, with out another word. When he d gone Aunt Betsey wiped up her eyes, and set and set, turnin on t over in her mind. Bimeby she says to me, " Ruth Ann, I ve been actin like a born fool ! This ere ain t the fust time your uncle s got off the hooks ; though I wouldn t own it to everybody but I ve alwers fetched him round, alwers ; and I will this time, inside of twenty -four hours, too, or my name ain t Betsey Flanders ! He sets the world by me your uncle does ; but between you n me, he ain t very well ballunced, and the least thing turns him one side. I tell ye, these men are alwers gittin some contr y kink or n other into their heads, and H2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. you ve got to be perpared for em. Now," says she, laughin , "you jest hold on, and see how I ll fix him !" I couldn t help wonderin what in the world she meant, but she didn t say another word, and I didn t feel free to be inquisitive. Next mornin (it was Sunday mornin ) Uncle Joe come to my door fore I was awake, and rapped. " Ruth Ann," says he, " you ll have to git right up, and see to your aunt ; she ain t well this mornin ." I was scairt to death in a minute. " Oh, Uncle Joe," says I, "is anything the matter of her heart ?" " I m fraid so, I m fraid JQ ; Ruthy," says he, his voice shakin . You dress ye as quick s you can ; I m goin right off to git the doctor." Wall, there wa n t much I could do for >er. She seemed to be in dretful distress, and every little while she d lay her hand onto her heart and roll up her eyes and groan pitiful. It peared as if she couldn t live any time at all, if she didn t git help. When the doctor come she asked to see him alone a few minutes, and Uncle Joe and I tiptoed out, and left em together. Wall, you wouldn t a believed it possible for a man to change his tune so quick s Uncle Joe did his n ! I d got a comfortable breakfast sech as we alwers had a Sunday mornin beans and brown bread and coffy, and I made him set down to the table with me ; but la ! he acted more like a crazy critter than I ever see him before ! He d jump up every few minutes, and go to the door, ADVENTURES OF ./A OLD MAID. 143 then come back and set down and groan and take on. " Oh, Ruth Ann ! " says he to me. " I know I ve been a miserable, wicked scoundrel, and I don t desarve to have her live ! But if she dies," he goes on, tarin round the room, " if she dies, I ll murder that ily-tongued insurance chap, and / // buy a kag d powder and blow up the house and my own miserable carkis in it ! " I tried to carm him.. "Mebby she ain t so bad she may git over it," says I. " Let s wait and see what the doctor says." " Oh, no, she won t never git over it," says he. " But she might a lived for years if it hadn t been for me and my cussed cruelty. She confessed finally that she had trouble with her heart, and she suffered agernies all night, but she wouldn t let me go away from her for fear she d drop away and I not with her. And she forgiv me, Ruth Ann, she forgiv me over n over ! Yes, she did, bless her ; she s an angel ! Ruth Ann," he groans agin, comin and wringin my hand, "what shall I dew without my pardner ? What s all the world to me without Betsey ? Who cares anything about me but Betsey? Ruth Ann, if she does git well I ll deed this ere house and farm to her and every cent o property I ve got in the world besides, and she shall ride in her own horse and kerridge and have a hired gal ten of em forty, if she wants, as true as my name is Joseph Flan ders !" After this he seemed a little more easy, and drank part of a cup of coffy ; then he goes on 144 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " Yes, I ll dress her with the best, and I ll treat her as she desarves bless her." Just here the doctor come out, and I dunno what made me, but I slipt past him, without stoppin to ask how she was or anything, and went into the bedroom. There I found Aunt Betsey settin up in bed, stuffin the bedclo es into her mouth and actin dretful queer. When she see twas me she hauled me down to her. "Oh, Lord ! oh, Lord! I shall die, Ruthy, 1 shall die / " she whispered, laughin and shakin as if she d go into fits. " I heerd every word your uncle said," said she. " So I m goin to have forty hired gals and ride in my kerridge and dress like a lady, be I ? Didn t he come down harnsome ? What did I tell ye, though, Ruth Ann ? Don t / know how to manage Joseph Flanders ? Not that I shall ever take the leastest mite of advantage bless him ; he s got the most lovin heart in the world after all ! " " But, Aunt Betsey," says I, " do you mean to say you hain t been sick at all ? " "Oh, yes," says she, "I ve been dretful sick, " and I m just wore out with groanin and takin on. It s hard work, Ruthy, and hungry work, and the minnit your uncle goes to the barn to feed the critters I want you to fetch me in a big plate o beans and brown bread and a cup o coffy. The doctor told me to take a little nour ishment," says she, laughin . Wall. I didn t git the hull truth through my head for some time, but when the doctor come in with Uncle Joe and said his wife had had a narrer escape (he didn t say from what), but with ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. M5 caic ne might live now to a good old age, and I see him go to the winder to laugh, then I begun to understand. At fust Uncle Joe was completely overcome. Then he set down on the side of the bed and held Aunt Betsey s hands, and asked her over n over to forgive him, and told her what he was a goin to dew to make her happy. They both cried a little, and bimeby Aunt Betsey says : " Father, ain t ye fraid them poor critters to the barn are gittin hungry ? " " I declare, I fergot all about em " says Uncle Joe, and he went off to fe> d em. Then I slipt out into the kitchen and back with a plate o beans, and so on, and after Aur>t Betsey had eat em she felt as good as new, and wanted to git up and dress herself. " But," she says. ir l s pose I shall have to lay abed a little while for decency s sake ; it s an aw ful punishment, and I desarve it for takin in that poor innercent man so." To make a long story short, Uncle Joe was as good as his word, so fur as his wife was con- sarned, and they took a sight o comfort together after that. He give up the idee o havin ? the ap- perplexy, and took to mince pies and cabbage agin as hearty as ever. They let that insurance policy run out in fact never paid the furst cent on it, and to this day they both hate the very sight of a life insurant agent. 146 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. HIGH ART AND ESTHETICS. I visited to cousin Harnden s when I was down country. You know his wife s been dead a num ber o year, and his oldest daughter, Juliet, keeps house for him. I s pose Joshua s wuth no end o money, for they ve got a great house as big as Square Jones s barn, with everything in it, and plenty o servants to wait on em. Anybody d thought they might a took solid comfort ; and so they would, if Juliet hadn t a been so crazy-silly and all over nothin , and wuss than nothin ! The name on t whatever it was that ailded her was "High Art and Esthetics" and she had it awful bad. Now, I can t give you a defmishun of what that is not in one word, but if you ll have patience and hear me through, you ll know what it means, as well as / dew, t any rate. In the furst place, I should say twas kind of an epidcmick that rages mong folks that have got plenty o money, and nothin pertick lar to do. It don t seem ter be compattyble with poverty. Poor folks never have it, any way. Them that has it, run of a notion that they must foller the rules of "High Art" in everything. That is, their furnitoor and dresses, and all their ways and doin s, must be what they call " artistick" And as nigh s I can make out, they git their notions and rules from travellin in furrin parts, and from ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. \tf studyin over musty old books and picters. The oldest, wust lookin things please em the best ; they did Juliet, anyways. She run to everything dismal and doleful. "rSubdood Effecks" she ealled em. I never see a single cheerful, good- lookin effeck not one. Juliet s own room was what she called a "sim fony " in blue ; the color o things was mostly blue, a dull, dirty blue. And there wasn t a rock- in chair nor a single comfortable piece o furni- toor in the hull room. The only cheerful lookin thing was a dear little picter of a bunch of golden rod, jest as nateral as life. It hung right over the mantletry shelf. I \vas surprised and pleased when I see it, and I said to Juliet, " Wall, there ! you ve got one pretty thing, haint ye ?" "Oh, yes," says she, "that s o^e o the har monies" " Nonsense !" says I, taint nuther no sech thing ! I guess I know golden rod, it grows every wheres to home, common s dirt," says I. My room tew was dretful stiff and uncomfort able. I couldn t feel home-like in it no more n I could shet up in the suller. Finally, one day, I went a foragin . I got Johnny and Sue them s the two younger children, ye know to take me up into the garret chambe r , and there we found a lot o things stowed away enough sight better n them we was usin . Wall, I brought down a rockin -chair and a lounge, and a braided rug _>r tew. I found an old Pilgrim s Progress, and ( took that along foi company ; alwers have it on my table to home ; read it every day same s 1 do my bible. Wall, I 148 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID, put em all into my room, and it seemed more like home after that. Another thing I fetched down at the same time, turned out to be a great success. You see I d found out Juliet didn t have no mercy on her par. She d even took possession o the libr y where he alvvers set to read his paper, do his vvritin and so on, and she d furnished it all over in her high-falutin way ; put in that dis- tressid straight-backed, hard-bottomed kind o furnitoor, that s enough to make a young person s bones ache to set on, to say nothin of a man sixty years old ! She d took up every rag o carpetin on the floor, and had it shined and polished up till twas jest as slippery as glass. Why, it was bout as much as your neck was wuth to walk acrost it. Her poor par had actilly fell down a number o times, and it was a wonder he hadn t broke his bones ! I told Juliet how t he would sures s fate, sooner or later. She only said " Oh, he ll get customed to it." It was a pitiful sight to see that old man of an evenin , a settin up there, stiff s a poker, in his straight-backed, high-art chair, all alone in that great, dark, lonesome room I There was only one little lamp, and that hung right over his head. I s pose it was awful classick, but it wa n t any kind of a lamp, and never burnt wuth a cent. Why, it didn t begin to give as much light as one o your karysene lamps! But Juliet said how it looked dim and skerlastick; and I should say it did, and wuss. Then, them high-backed chars and things cast great, black shadders all over the room, and ori ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 149 the hull it was the sollumest, lonesomest place I ever got into in my life ! i used to go and set with Joshua evenin after evenin , for company ye know ; and sometimes John Aiken would come down from the parlor, where he was spark- in Juliet, and set with us, and we d have a real good time together. John Aiken was a great favorite o Brothei Harnden s, and he d been glad to seen Juliet mar ried tew him. They d been keepin company to gether a good while, and I guess Juliet set enough by John, only sence she got into her art tantrums she seemed to be kinder haulin off. But la, he knew more n the hull pack o them estheticks put together ! He was tew well ballunced to go inter fits over an old piece o furnitoor, or the color of a gownd ! But Juliet used to snub him unmerci ful sometimes, and 1 <vondered at his pa tience. But I was goin to tell you what else I fetched down out o the garret that day. Among the other things there was a great big armchair, all kivered nice with luther, and stuffed out in good shape. As soon as I set eyes on it I said to my self " that s jest the chair for Joshua, and he shall have it!" So I got one o the servants to help, and we lugged it down into the libr y ; and that evenin Joshua set in a decent chair for the fust time in a good while. He seemed pleased as could be, and laughed, and said how it seemed a little like the good old times, before the grand art innervation. Juliet was mad when she see it said it didn t 11 harmonize," etsetery ; but her par had his own ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. way for once in his life, and the chair stayed, and it did my soul good to see him set in it. Juliet played the planner, and she could play beautiful, if she was a min to ; but she generally played what she called fewges, and simfonies, and sonnarters. Oh, they was horrid ! There wa n t the least mite o tune tew em, and they made me feel like a cat when her fur is stroked the wrong way. Then she spent mornin s and mornin swith her dressmakers a gittin up her "coschumes" as she called em. I used to hear her and her lady friends speak o their suits as " harmonies in gray," :t simfonies in blue" and so on. It ivas enough to make a cat sick, that s a fact ! And then their manners! Wall, I can t describe em. You know how subdood and soft like anybody ll go round when there s a person lyin dead in the house ? Wall, that was the way with them all the time. I never heard one on em laugh or speak above her breath, and when they walked they ]estglid along like shadders or ghosts. They acted for all the world as if it was aginst the law to make any noise, or show any signs of life, or dew anything nateral. Wall, that s how it was with Juliet ; and when I see it all, I says to myself, " It s a bad way for her, and for all consarned," and I kep a turnin it over in my mind, whuther no I couldn t dew somethin to kinder fetch her to her senses, as you might say. One mornin I went out into the garden before breakfast. Everything seemed fresh and sweet as a baby jest waked up from his nap. There d been a little sprinklin o rain in ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Kl the night, and the flowers and grass was sparklin ail over with drops, harnsomer n any dimonds. I was ahvers a master hand for flowers, you know, and I picked a great, big bunch on em ; roses and pinks and all kiads mostly good smellin ones, for naterally I like them best and carried em into the dinin -room. None o the family hadn t come down yet, and I took one o them long-necked humly lookin" vases of Juliets (she called it a " vaze"~} and put the flowers into it. They hain t got a decent lookin vase in the house, cordin to my way o thinkin . I d ruther have that white chiny one o your n there, with the violets painted on it, than any o theirn. But some on em cost a mint o money ! I shouldn t dars to say how much ; nobody in this town wouldn t believe me ! There s two monster big ones standin each side o the door in the recepshion room, as they call it, and they cost I don t know how many hundred dol lars ! They re as tall as that barrel, and all kiv- ered over with the horridest picters ! I nevei could bear the sight of em but Juliet said they was priceless anteeks" I told her " I didn t care if they was, they was humly as fury any way ! " Wall, as I was sayin I put the flowers in the vase, and set em on the table. Says I ter my self, " that s the fust good lookin bokay I ve seen sence I left home," and I made up my mind that I d see t we had one every mornin . It made the dingy old room look cheerfuller, somehow. Jest as I got it fixed and turned best side tew, the door opened, and Juliet come loppin along in. with her eyes not more n half open, and her dirt- 152 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. colored gownd a hangin oi\to her like a wet rag on a bean-pole. (I believe they call the color o that gownd sage green, but it wa n t the color o no sage t ever I see !) When she d got bout half way into the room, she spied the flowers : " Oh mercy !" says she, leanin aginst a chair as if she was goin to faint away, " What desercration /" " Yes, ain t they nice ? I m goin to pick some for the table every mornin," says I, takin em up for her to smell on. But she put out her hand to push em away, and gasped as if she was chokin to death. " Aunt, Aunt !" she finally managed to say, " I must beg you not to arrange any more flowers for the rooms ! Your absence of all sense of the esthetic k is painful /" " Oh, that s it, is it ?" says I. " Wall, p raps I am lackin in that kind o sense, but I ve got some common sense, and that s what you need bad ! Ain t ye shamed, Juliet Harnden, to be so put out with a little innercent bunch o flowers ! I know it would be diffikilt to fix a bokay humly enough to go with this room 1 declare the sight on t is enough to give any healthy person an emetick ! If you d foller nater you d do better ! Nater can t be beat not as a gineral thing," says I, " and don t you forgit it !" " Oh, you don t understand !" says she, givin me a witherin look. " Of course you don t.; how can you ?" and she waved her hand as much as to say " what s the use o talkin ? Enough said." But my dander was up. Now was my time to give her that overhaulin that I d had in mind so ADVRNTURRs, OF AN OLD MAID. 153 long. So I looked her right straight in the eye and begins : "Juliet Harnden," says I, " was you alwers jest as you be now ? I didn t know you when you was young" says I (bearin on to the young a little grain, for she was turnin twenty-five, and I could see she winked). " Wa n t there never no time when you looked and acted nateral ? When you put up your back hair careless in the mornin , ducked your face all over in cold water, put on the fust gownd that come handy, and slid down the bannisters all rosy and wide-awake to kiss your par and mar good mornin ? " Didn t you never love nobody so s you d be will in to jump inter the fire for em ? Didn t you never hate nobody so s t you d like ter cut em up into inch pieces ! Didn t you never git mad and scratch, nor feel bad and cry whole buckets o tears ! Have ye got any heart m\&feeliris any way, sech as other women have ? that s what I want to know !" says T. I stopped for want o brerth. Her eyes was open wider n I d ever seen em afore in the world, but she didn t speak, and T went on, "Juliet," says I, "you are my own sister s child, and I want ter see ye happy, and I want you to make your pai and the children happy. A happy home is wut.h more n all the art in the world. And the color o the chair kivers, the picters on the walls even the bokay on the table can t make nor mar it. "Juliet," says I, "your par s gittin old, and he likes his ease and comfort better n anteek lamps and artistick furnitoor. Them children, 154 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. too, would have more fun and grow faster, in clo es that they could romp and play in, if they didn t look so much like picters. One other pint and I m done. It s aginst nater for a smart, high- sperited young man like John Aiken, to stand bein put down and set on for any length o time, and if you care anything about him and you know you do why not treat him different ? Think on t Juliet, think on t ! I want you to be happy," says I, beginnin to break down for I d made a long speech for me " and what s to hender ?" says I, then I bust out cryin . Upon that, Juliet riz up without a word, and went out o the room very still, and shet the door behind her. I didn t know hardly what I d done, and I set and cried for sometime. I d freed my mind, anyway that was one consolation. But it all turned out for the best ; for at dinner time Juliet came up to me of her own accord, and kissed me quite affectionate, and says she " Aunt Ruthy, you was right about some things you said this mornin . Not another word ; but that was a good deal for Juliet, and I felt encour- I come home a little while after, but I met Joshua to Square Bailey s golden weddin , and he said how t Juliet wa> a new girl, and I was the means ont. He said she was gittin to be a fust, rate house-keeper, and they all took heaps o com fort together. They ve set the day to be married, at last she and John Aiken and they insist that I shall go to the weddin whuther or no. So I ve been settin up nights lately, to git the second ADVENTURES Of AM OLD MAID. 15$ r ir o cream-colored silk stockin s finished off. ?n r-irry to Juliet, and I flatter myself that them e.e btockin s is good enough for any girl to wear whuther she s high art or low art, or only jest common folks. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. SHE GOES WEST IN THE SLEEPING CAR THE PUNKIN SIFTER MAN. Yes, I ve been out West; I went all of a sud den too, as you might say. You see, the fares was way down that fall, beyend all account, and they kep goin lower n lower, till bimeby, when it got so s t we could go to Chicago for five dollars, I says to mother, " Mother, I do declare that s cheaper n dirt! I m a good mind ter start and go out to Illinoise and visit sister Gusty !" That was the very fust word I d said about it, and it struck mother all of a heap; but after think- in on t over, she was very favorable. " I don t s pose you ll ever have a better chance," says she. " Taint likely I ever shall," says I. So we flew round for fear the fares would go up agin", and in a few days I was all ready to start. I d got to ride two nights, and mother says to me, " Ruth Ann, you d better take a sleepin car and go comftable. I should hate to have ye git into Chicago all tuckered out." " Wall," says I, " I s pose I might as well go the hull figger while I m about it ; I don t travel West every day." So I paid another five dollars for a berth as they called it, and I tell you I didn t begrudge it nuther, when I found out how com ftable it was. But it was somethin new to me ; I wa n t never in one ?. f ore. When I paid the conductor for it, he giv me HE LOOKED AT MY CHECK AND PINTED ON AHEAD TO A SKAT (Page 158.) 158 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. the check and number o my section, as he called it, and I went along into the car ; but I couldn t see nothin o no bedroom nor no place to sleep. It looked jest like any other car, only nicer. So I says to the black man that seemed to be waitin round a-purpose to answer folks es questions, " Where s my section, my bedroom, you know ?" He looked" at my check and pinted on ahead to a seat. " That s it, marm," says he. " We don t make up the beds till night, unless they re specially wanted." " Wall, mine s specially wanted, " says I. " But I don t see no bedstid nor nothin do we sleep on the floor ? I ain t a goin to pay no five dol lars extry to sleep on the floor, I tell you now !" says I. " Oh, we have a way to fix it butiful, marm," says he ; and he pulled out a kind *)f a shelf and showed me how it went. " Wall," says I, " s pos n you fix it now. I want my room in order to once." " Oh, sartin," says he, grinnin from ear to ear. " But do you wish to retire so early in the day ? I hope you ain t onwell, marm !" " Don t you worry about that ; you jest go ahead and put my bedroom in order as I tell ye," says I. " I want to set down and enjoy myself." By this time all the folks in the car was lookin at us, and I see some smilin . One lady steps for ard and comes up close to me, and speaks low, so st nobody couldn t hear but jest me, and says she, " Madam, you ll excuse me, if I advise you not to have your bed made up now ; it isn t cus tomary, ye know, and it might seem queer to the ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 59 rest of em. I wouldn t have anything done till night if I was you, and then you ll find it all right, I can promise you. I ve travelled a good deal," says she. "Come and set down here and look out o the winder; there s lots to see." She seemed so pleasant and friendly that I couldn t dew otherwise than thank her kindly and take her advice. So I told the waiter he might be excused for the present ; when I wanted him, I d let him know. Wall, I enjoyed the ride that afternoon real well, and long towards night I eat my lunch, and the black waiter porter, they called him got me a cup o tea, and it made me as good a supper as I wanted. Bimeby it grew dark, and them that had chil dren along with em begun to have their beds made up, so I had a good chance to see jest how it was done, and when my turn come I knew all about it. There was curtins to let down all round the bed as cozy as you please, though I found out pretty quick that I was goin to smother, and hacl to open the winder a crack. It seemed awful queer at fust, and I thought to my soul I should roll out onto the floor in spite o hemp ; but after a while I got used to the motion of the cars and dropped off to sleep. I knew we should go through the Hoosack Cunnil right in the middle o the night, but I meant ter see it all the same, and I told the por ter to wake me up jest afore we got to it. So about leven o clock he spoke to me and said we was jest a mile from the entrance o the tunnil. 1*30 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. I set up in bed and looked out o the winder> and I declare I wouldn t a missed seein that sight for no mount o money ! It was a clear, moonlight night, and we was ridin through a sort of valley with hills on both sides on t. And them hills seemed to grow bigger n bigger, and creep jp nearer n nearer, till finally they shet us in like iunjin walls. Bimeby there wa n t no sky to be seer, overhead only a little line o light, and that grew smaller n smaller till it was all dark everywheres. Then the injine give one onearthly shriek, and vve plunged and dove right into the bowels of the mounting, as you might say ! It grew deathly :old, and damp as the grave, and I was glad to pull the bedclo es up round me. It seemed as if we was a long time goin through, but I found out it was jest fifteen min utes, and the tunnil is five miles long. I tell you, I felt pretty sollum settin there alone in the mid dle o the night, away from all my folks, ridin at lightnin speed through the insidesof a mounting . I had some curis, awful thoughts. Think s I, " what s ter hender this ere mounting from falhn down onto us, and buryin us all up alive ?" I was thankful enough when we come out into the blessed moonlight once more, I tell ye ! But it was some time fore I could go to sleep agin, and when I did, it wa n t for long. I guess I hadn t much more n got to sleep fore I was waked up by the sound o wimmin s voices, scoldin away to a great rate. I peeked through my curtins, and I see two vvimmin and two children, all four on em loaded iown with clo es and luggage, and they was in a ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 1 terrible stew. It seemed the sleepin -car they was in had broke down, and all the passengers had to leave their beds and find places in the other cars. One o the wimmin, the one that talked so loud, was a great fat woman, and she was busin the railroad and all them that run it. How she did pile it on to em ! And when she come to put the girl and boy to bed she biled over. " Where s Mary s night-sack, I should like ter know?" she screamed to the other woman. " I dunno more n you do !" says the other woman. "Jimmy s night-shirt is gone too, and both the children s stockin s and shoes !" And then one on em lost her puss, and that was wust of all, and they tore round cordin ly. The porter he waited on em as well s he could, and promised to hunt up their things, and so on ; but itwa n t no kindo use, they wouldn t be pas- sified. "A Jot o good they ll do us, after these poor children 1 ive to go into Chicago nakid !" says the fat woman. "And where s the money to buy em some more, with the puss gone that ^: what I want to know !" says she. To make a long story short, after they d waked up everybody in the car with their hullabaloo, ami got some o the men to swearin , they found their things puss and all jest where they put em, I think s likely, and they did simmer down the quickest ! We didn t hear another word out o their heads that night. Next mornin it was interestin to see the folk r 02 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. come out o their berths and dress themselves, and so on. Some couldn t find nothin they wanted, and some o the men and boys got their shoes changed, or lost them altogether. I got up real early and washed and dressed me, and had my bed put out o the way, and then set down with my knittin to watch the rest. I could tell an old bachelder the minute he stepped out o his berth ; he seemed handy about dressin himself, you know. But la, how awkerd the married men that hadn t their wives along, was ! They d tug away at the buttons and neck ties till they got sweaty and red in the face. I noticed one man in partick lar. He was a-tryin to get his necktie right. I watched the great bunglin creatur till I fairly got narvous, and I couldn t stand it no longer. I threw down my knittin and went over to him, and says I, " Do le mme fix your necktie for ye, now !" He looked as pleased as could be, and says he, "Thank you, madam; I find I miss my darter bout these fixin s." Come to git up close to him he wa n t so old a man as I s posed he was from his head s bein so bald on top. He couldn t a been much older n what I was, and I felt ruther cheap. But I tied as harnsome a bow-not as I could and made him kind of a kerchey and went back to my knittin . Bimeby, all them that wanted to went out into the dinin -car for breakfast. The fat woman and the two children went along, but the other woman stayed behind. When the fat woman come back, you orter heard her go on about it. " That dinin -car," says she, " is a mean, swin ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. l6j dlin humbug jest of a piece with all the rest o the doin s on this miser ble road. "They have the face out there," says she, "to charge seventy-five cents whuther you eat their breakfast or not. All I wanted was a cup o coffy and a biskit, and I told em so ; but that sassy nigger kep sayin seventy-five cents, madam all same seventy-five cents for break fast, madam ! My explainin didn t do no sort o good ; so when I found they was goin to charge me full price any way, I was bound I d eat that bill o fare clear through if it killed me ! And I did," says she, " and I drinked two cups o cony, and I feel like death expect nothin but I shall have one o my dretful bilyous turns to p^y foi it!" Wall, that man I tied the necktie for went out to breakfast too. and what do you think he come luggin along back to me ? A great plate o the nicest of everything, and a nigger follerin on behind with a cup o coffy and a dish o fruit ! " I thought mebby you didn t feel like goin out, marm," says he, " and I hope you ll be so kind as to accept these vittles. One good turn desarves another, you know," says he. I was so Clustered that I didn t know what to say, but I J ried to thank him somehow. Afterwards I asked the woman that said she was used to travellin if she thought twas proper for me to take the things, and if I hadn t orter offer to pay for em. She laughed, and says she, "Take all you can git. The old chap looks as if he was akin to spend his money. He s rich as mud, I know. Let him spend it if he wants tew." 104 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. " But," says I, "his wife she may be savin , I m fraid she mightn t like it." "Mis wife!" says she. "Don t you fret: mebhy he hain t got none. Didn t you see that crape on his hat ?" " No, I didn t," says I. I couldn t help feelin kinder worked up, and I detarmined to steer clear o that man the rest o the time if it was a possible thing. So I set and knit away industrious all day, and tended to my own meals promp , so he didn t git no chance to do anything more for me if he d wanted to. But long towards night, I was lookin out o the winder (I had laid by my knittin , for the heel was ready to set, and I thought I d let it be till lamp-light) I was lookin out o the winder, as I said, and kinder dreamin an^ thmkin , when some body comes along and stands still right beside o my seat. I don t s pose you ll believe me. but be fore I turned round to see who it was, I felt in my very bones that it \vas my necktie man ! And it was ; and pretty soon he spoke, and says to me very respeckful, "Madam, you remind me of a friend o mine, so strong, that I hope you ll pardin me if I in quire your name." I told him my name. " Mrs.?" says he. " No ; Miss," says I, my cheeks burnin like a live coal. Then he set down on the seat facin me. " Ain t it ruther dull settin alone ?" says he. "Why, no," says I. "I hadn t thought on t." "You hain t the same name as the friend I ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. I&5 spoke on," he continners, "but you do look enough like her to be a twin sister. Perhaps you be related. Her name was Dorsey Polly Dor- sey and she was my wife s second cousin." " So he has got a wife," thinks I to myself, and I answers up pretty stiff and haughty, " No, sir," says I, " I ain t no relation to her more n Adam !" Then I picked up my knittin - work and says I, " I wish to massy this ere heel was set, so s t I could have somethin to dew." He looked at me kinder bewildered as if he didn t hardly know what to make o my remark, and says he, "Oh !" " Yes," says I, " I alwers like to have my knit- tin when I hain t nothin to think on ; it s com pany." He hitched around in his seat a little oneasy and says he, " I I hope I don t intrude, marm ?" He said it so gentle and dignerfied that I felt a little shamed o myself. " Oh, no," says I, " not at all, sir." " You women have ruther the advantage of us men," he went on. "You can help along the lonesone hours in so many little ways," pintin to my knittin -work. " If I could only knit now," says he, laughin . I laughed too, the idee was so redickerlous. "How does it happen," says I, "that you re travellin alone ? I sh d thought you d took your wife along, for company, if nothin more. But mebby travellin don t agree with her ?" says I. " My wife is dead, marm says he, soft and sollum. " She s been dead now goin on three year," l65 ADVE.NTUKES OF AN OLD MAID. ] was dumfoundered ! I picked up my stockiiV and begun to knit away like all perscsst ; I didn t care if the heel wa n t set ! Nary one on us spoke agin for some minutes. I dunno s I should a spoke till this time if he hadn t took out his handkerchif and blovved his nose like the last trumpit. That kinder started me up and brought me tew, as it were, so that by clearin my throat a number o times I man aged to say, " How dretful bad it must be to lose a pardner !" and so on. Then we both made a business o lookin out the winder for quite a while. Finally he turns to me and says he, " Tain tno more n fair, to tell you my name now, seein s you ve told yourn." " Wall, I dunno s I m very partick ler," says I, knittin away. I was dyin to know all about him, but I didn t want to be bold nor for ard, so I says, " I dunno s I m very partick ler." " My name," says my necktie man, layin his hand on to his chist with as graceful a gestur as I ever sees, " My name is one I ain t ashamed to own. I am Hannibal Hazukins Major Hanni bal Hawkins, of Punkinville ; and I am the sole and only inventor, perprietor, and owner of the celerbrated Hawkins Punkin Sifter !" So sayin , he riz up till he was six feet tall or more, and bent over and made me a harnsome bow ! I declare I was overcome ! Jest to think, there was that old punkin sifter of mother s to home, that I d used this ten year, and his very identikle name on it in black letters ! I d read it to my self a thousand times "Hannibal Hawkins /" ADVENTURES OF AX OLD MAID. 1 67 and htre was the man standin before me ! I felt as if we d been acquainted all our lives. " I wan ter know," says I, as soon as I could make out to speak, " I wan ter know if you re the punkin sifter man ! Why, we ve used one o your sifters to home a good many year. Couldn t keep house without it. I m sure I m real glad to make your quaintance, Mister Hawkins." He was pleased enough. " Why, yes," says he, rubbin his hands, "you n me orter be friends, sartin !" Then he set down agin, this time beside o me. and fore long he knew all about my folks, and I his n. Wall, to cut my siory short, i:he next day, when we got to Chicago, he said he was goin to be in the city some little time, and asked leave to call on sister Gusty and me. So I told him where to find us, and we shook hands and parted. When I come to look at my knittin , it most set me into fits ! As true as I live, that ere stockin leg was as long as a pillar cae, and not a sign oi a heel set to k ! 1 68 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAW. IN CHICAGO. When I got to Chicago, I was pretty tired, hut I never felt happier in my life. You see the punkin sifter man had made it real pleasant for me ; and, between you n me, there is somethin in knowin that somebody kinder likes ye, that warms the heart like a cup o tea, now ain t there ? I told Gusty all about him, and we expected a call from him right away, but he didn t come. Two or three weeks went by, and still he didn t come, and finally we had to give him up. I didn t know what to think. Gusty did, and she says to me, " Ruth Ann, you ve jest got dretfully took in, that s all. I know the men you can t put no dependence on em. It s out o sight, out o mind with them !" and so on and so forth. "Gusty," says I, "is that the way with- your husband ?" (Everybody knows her husband is a perfeck slave to her a good man too, if ever there was one.) " Why, no," says Gusty, " I can t say s I ve got any fault to find with George Henry." "Wall, then," says I, "don t, for pity s sake, speak that way ! If a woman s got a decent hus band, she orter make a pint o stickin up for mankind in gineral to pay for t. As for me, mebby I ve got took in, and mebby I hain t. There ain t no bones broke, and if there was twouldn t mend em to buse the men. But one ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 69 thing, Gusty, the less said about it to me the bet ter." That was the end on t ; only in my own mind I sollumly believed in Hannibal Hawkins, and fully expected he d turn up some day and make it all right. Did you ever go to Chicago ? If not, you never went nowheres, as you might say. " Boston ?" Boston s well enough ; I love Bos ton. But you take one of her streets and double it in wedth, and piece it out a few mile in length, and you have a street in Chicago. Then make all the grand stores grander and bigger. And set a lawger-beer saloon, with a sign o the Dutchman holdin up a mug o beer and lookin at it, between every third or fourth store, and you have a street in Chicago. You might add to this, a bad smell, plenty o mud, and crowds of very good-natered, perlite folks. One thing I want to say right here about the Chicago wimmin. They hain t got no bigger feet than Boston wimmin ! 1 took partick lar pains to notice. I went round sight-seein a good deal with Ned, Gusty s little boy ; he knew the hull city like a book, and bein it was vacation, he was right on hand for goin . One day he took me into a Chinese laundry. It was way down suller, where they had to keep the gas burnin all the time to see. They didn t mind nothin bout our comin in : they knew Ned, he d been there a good many times. They grinned when they see him, and kep right on with their work. One on em was sprinklin clo es I s pose he called it. He bad a hull mess o clo es on a table, and he kep a turn- I7O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. in on em ovcr n over, sq iirtin the water out on to em from between his teeth, somehow. It looked curis enough, but awful shif less, cordin to my way -o thinkin . There was two more ironin , and one seemed to be cookin somethin on the stove. I was alwers interested in tl:c hethin used to think I d like to go missionary- in ; and when I looked round on them poor be- nited creetur s, I felt for em. To think they didn t even know how to sprinkle r.io eF in a decent Christian way ! I went up to the table where the two men was ironin and says to one of em, " My good friend, do you know who made you ?" He set his iron down quick s a flash, and bowed very perlite way down to the floor : then he dusted off a stool with his big sleeve and offered it to me to set on, but he didn t speak a single word. I says agin, a little louder and speakin s plain as I could, " Do you know who made you ?" The man shook his head and bowed himself down to the floor agin. "No speakee Melican," says he, and pinted to the man sprinklin clo es. So I goes over to him and asks, " How long have you been in this country ?" " Oh, velly long timee," holdin up his fingers, one, two, fou r . " Do you know who made you?" He smiled very innercent-like, nodded his head, and went on squirtin . " See here !" says I, forgittin all about who made him, "dew let me show you how to sprinkle clo es like a civilized bein !" And I put my hand into the bowl and showed him how ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. \7\ My stars ! you orter see that Chinyman jump and hyper round ! His pigtail flopped most up to the plasterin ! He seemed to think I was goin to wet him, and I guess water is somethin they don t low ter touch only in the way o business. When he see I only threw it over the clo es, he carmed down, and smiled and nodded his head. " Velly good, velly good," he said, Jest then another big Chinee that I hadn t seen afore, and a little boy, come in, each on em bringin a dish o somethin steamin hot that they put on the table. I says to the big one, " Be you a man or a woman?" for they was all dressed pretty much alike in long frocks with great floppin sleeves to em. They all laughed when I asked that question, and the big fat one pinted fust to herself and then to me, and says, " I samee lady allee samee lady." I was glad to hear that, and I shook hands with her and felt more to home. We stopped to see em eat dinner. They wa n t a mite bashful, and they grinned at us and seemed mitily tickled. I must say they was as civil, good-natered folks as I ever come acrost, if they was he thin . There didn t seem to be but two kinds o vit- tles. There was a big dish o rice, and another of cabbage, all tore up into little pieces, with a mess o ile poured over it. They brought up their stools all to once, and set down together. Each one took a little bowl of rice and hild it close under his chin, and opened his mouth and pushed the rice in with two round sticks, and kep a pushin on t in till his mouth was runnin 1/2 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. over full, as if it had been a rat hole he was stop- pin up ! They never chewed a mite nor shet their jaws together till they had put in a bowlful ! " But, after all," thinks I to myself, " I ve seen good Christian church members to church suppers show wuss table manners than what these hethin Chinymen do." As long as they couldn t understand me very well I thought I wouldn t try to improve em any more, and we left em to finish their dinner in their own way. After that we went into a bird store, where they kep all kinds o birds and a good many animals, specially monkeys. There was one man there lookin at the monkeys, that thought he knew all about monkeys and the human race, too. He talked all the time stiddy to somebody, and final ly he fastened on to me. " Madam," says he, " I m a Darwinyan." Then he went on to tell how our forefathers and fore- mothers way back was monkeys and baboons, till I got all out o patience with him. I tried to shet him up or git away from him, but he kept follei- in me round and talk, talkin . Finally, we stopped before an old gray-headed monkey, with a smooth face, that did look jest like a human bein , I must confess. The Darwin man pinted to the monkey and turned to me with a look of triump . " There ! says he, significant. " Yes, sir," says I, lookin fust at the monkey, and then at him, " I dew see a strikin resem blance ! He does look enough like ye to be your twin brother, that s a fact !" ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1 73 He didn t stay long after that, and he let me nLme. I guess he was satisfied ; he d carried his pint anyway Alter IV been in the city quite a spell and knew my way round some, I used to go out shop- pin alone. One day I d been tradin in a great dry goods store the biggest in the city and was jest thinkin I d got bout through, when, in passin by the lace department, my eye lit on to a harnsome lace shawl hangin up for show. I m dretful fond o nice laces, and I dew enjoy to see em, if I can t wear em. Wall, I was lookin at that shawl, kinder idle, not thinkin of anything in particular, when a man stepped up to me and clapped his hand on to my shoulder, and turnin to a clerk standin by, he says, " Here s my woman, Davis." I was awful scairt, and I tried to twitch away , but he hild on to me. I knew somethin was wrong, and as quick as I could git my breath so s to speak carrn and rashinal, I looked the man right in the face, and says I, " You re mistaken, sir ; I ain t your woman nor anybody s else. I never was married." You see I didn t know but his wife, or somebody s wife, had run away, and he was after her but he laughed, and so did the other man. " Mister," says I agin, " I don t know you, but I see by your coat you re a perliceman,- -won t you be so kind as to tell me what I ve been a do- in of? I m a stranger here, and like enough I ve broke some o your rules without knowin on t," says I, try in hard to keep from cryin . That perliceman he jest shet up one big eye A. MAN STEPPED UP TO ME AND CLAPPED HIS HAND ON TO Ml SHOULDER, AND HE SAYS, "HERE S MV WOMAN." (Page 173.) 174 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 175 and looked at me out o t other, and says he, " Oh, we all know how innercent you be, we do; that s why we eall ye Simple Susan j ye know Come along Susan, I ve seenj)/0 before." " I never seejy*?^ before, and I hope to massy I never shall agin!" says I, gettin mad at bein spoke to so. "And, moreover, I want you to understand that my name aint "Simple Susan" nor nothin like it ; and I won t go one step out o this store with ye, till you teil me what for and where tew not if you pull me to pieces !" says I. " Where tew and w hat for ?" says the perlice- man. " For stealiri a $200 lace shawl right here yesterday afternoon and you re goin to the lock-up. Now you know jest as well as you did afore," and they both laughed as if it was a good joke. " Where s the man that owns this store ? I should like to see him," says I. They sent for him, and he come right along. He was a great noble lookin man, and he had a good face ; I took to him to once. "Mister," says I, "can these men take me off to the lobby when I haint done nothin ? Can t you tell me what to dew ?" He looked me over carm and serious. " I should say at fust sight it was Simple Susan, sartin ," says he ; " but after all, there s somethin about her that makes me think she ain t no thief. Perhaps we re mistakened, Davis." "Oh, I beg pardin, sir," speaks up the perlice- man, touchin his hat, " but I should know the woman in Afriky. Her picter s been in the Rogues ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Gallery for years. Lord, sir, the more innercent they look, the vvuss they be ! I know em !" " Oh, you dew !" thinks I, growin madder every minnit. " Mister perliceman," says I, " taint the wust thing in the world to look innercent, but its better to be so. And unless your looks belie ye, your own picter orter be hangin in that ere gallery you spoke on." The other men smiled a little, and he turned red s fire. " Wall," says he, scowl- in at me awful fierce, " I can t stand round here all day ; I guess you ll have to come with me." Mister Flood (I found out afterwards that was the store-keeper s name), he looked at me onde- cided and troubled. " There don t seem to be no other way jest now," says he, " but I ll call round and see you bimeby, and if you re the honest woman I more n half believe you to be, we ll find some way out o this." I was so dumfonnded and mad, and shamed, that all I could think or dew was to wish the airth would open and swaller me ! Me bein took off to the lobby for stealiri f The tears come so fast I couldn t see to walk, and I went stumblin along. I s pose everybody thought I was a drunken woman. The fust rashional thought I had was, " What would my friend Hannibal Hawkins say, if he see me now! I happened to look up jest at that pint o time, and there, comin straight towards us as fast as his long legs could fetch him, his eyes stickin out of his head with astonishment, was the very person I had in mind my punkin-siftet man / ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 1/7 When we come up with one n other, of course he see by my tears and so on, and by the com pany I was in, that somethin dretful had hap pened. He grabbed my hand, and says he, " h it thus we meet at last ! What is wrong with you my friend, what is wrong ?" The perlicernan and I, we explained together ; only our stories didn t exackly tally, and the per- liceman ordered him to " make himself scarce, and not interfere with an officer o justice in the discharge of his dooty !" Mister Hawkins he drawed himself up to his full statur of feet and inches, and says he, " I will accompany this lady to the place o her desterna- tion and find out a way to sarve her." He looked so grand and so detarmined that the perliceman didn t see fit to objeck, and we all went along together. Wall, when we got to the lobby buildin , who should be standin on the steps waitin for us but Mister Flood and brother-in-law George Henry ! So I didn t have to be locked up after all ! You see when I went away with the perliceman I left my bag behind in the store, and Mister Flood in lookin over its contints found George Henry s business card, and he happened to know him well. So he took the card and bag Over to his store, post-haste, and they started out after us together. George Henry laughed at me for bein so stoopid as not to think to tell who I was, and where a visitin . It was stoopid, sure enough, but I was so worked up I couldn t think o nothin . 178 ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. Perhaps he would a been jest as stoopid in my place. Wall, then I interdooced the punkin -siftei man, and he explained how he found a telegraph waitin for him that mornin we rived together in Chicago, sayin his mother was dyin , and he went right back home. But he hadn t never fcigot me, and as soon as he could, he started agin for the West ; and here he was, carpet bag in hand, as grand and harnsome as ever ! I felt proud enough I tell ye, and I crowed over Gusty well. It had all come out jest as I had faith to believe it would, hadn t it ? When George Henry come home that night he said, how t they d got the real thief the real Simple Susan this time. "And I have seen her picter," says he, "and I do declare for t, Ruth Ann, you dew look enough alike to be twins ! I couldn t blame nobody after I see that picter !" I lay awake half the night thinkin how curis it all was, and wonderin if I couldn t do somethin to help that woman that looked so much like me. i was so happy myself that I couldn t bear to think of misery comin to any other woman. " She can t enjoy sech a business," thinks I to myself. " I know now how it feels to be took up for stealin , and I m sure she can t enjoy it." In the mornin I says to George Henry : " George Henry, I want you to take me over to the lobby and let me see that woman. I believe it is my dooty to go to her." Fust, he said how t I shouldn t do no sech thing; and Gusty, she begged on me not to go. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD AIAID. l?<) " It s a disgraceful thing from.beginnin to end," says she, "and to do that would be vvust of all. I wouldn t go nigh her. What would Mister Hawkins say ?" Knowin how good he was, I knew well enough what he would say. " He set me an example of bein good to thieves," says I, half laughin , half cryin , "and I mean to foller it; I m a goin ," says I. "Wall, if you must go, dew for pity s sake put on a thick vail," say^ Gusty. So I did, and we went along. I think s likely you never happened to meet a person that looked so much like ye that you had to pinch yourself to find out which was which, as it were ; so you can t imagine how queer I felt when I see " Simple Susan." She seemed to feel queer tew, for when I took off my vail she drawed in her breath, and says she, with a curis smile, " I heerd bout you bein took for me yesterday ; I do hope you won t feel lifted up on account o lookin like the celerbrated thief ^ Simple Susan, " says she, sarkastical. " Strange, ain t it, that a woman can look innercent as a baby and be a thief and a smart one, too !" " Oh, don t brag on t ; don t Susan !" says I, " it makes me feel bad." " If you come. here to preach you can go long quick s you please," says she ; and there was a turrible hard look in her eyes. " I didn t come to preach, Susan ; fur from it," says I, "though you may need it bad enough. But when I found out you looked so much like me, I felt kinder interested and sorry for you, i&O ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. and jest called round to see if I couldn t dew somethin to help you." " Respectable folks ain t in the habit o caljin 1 on thieves," says she, lookin at me sharp and suspicious. "Ain t you fraid I ll pick your pocket fore you git out, now ? " I clapped my hand to my pocket quick s a wink ; then I was shamed o myself and my face turned blazin red. " Forgive me, Susan," says I, " I did it fore I thought." She laughed and shrugged up her shoulders. " I never steal from anybody but rich folks," says she. " But is it pleasant business ? It s so awful resky, I don t see how you can enjoy it," says I. " I should want to know where I was goin to sleep nights at least." She laughed agin. " It s profterble some times," she says, " and then, it s vittles and drink to me to steal from the rich folks, I hate em so ! " And she looked so fierce I said to myself I hope to massy I never looked like that. I hove a sigh, I couldn t help it. " Wall," says I, " pretty likely you know what s right and what s wrong s well s I do. Mebby you went to church and read your Bible when you was a gal to home with your mar ?" " Oh, yes ; you needn t mention them things," says she, kinder off hand. "Susan," says I, finally, "have you got any family ?" I see a change come over her face in a minnit. tier lips begun to woik, and she looked as if she was goin to cry. " Because," I ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. l8l continnered, " if you have, mebby I could do somethin for em or take some message to em. " I ve only got a little boy," says she. " Me goes round the streets all day playin his violin. I s pose he s at it now, and he don t know I m shet up, so he ll go home to-nignt, and when he don t find his mammy, he ll take on and grieve and break his little heart ! " Then she began to rock herself back ards and for ards and sob and cry and take on bitter. " He s all I ve got in the world," she said, " and I d give every drop o blood in my body for him. But he ll grieve for his mammy he ll grieve for his rnammy ! " I went up to her with the tears streamin down my cheeks. " Tell me where to find him," says I, "and I ll look after him a little, ^nd perhaps I can bring him to see you." She riz up then and grabbed my hand, and kissed it and pressed it to her heart, but she never spoke a word. " Mebby," says I, " for his sake, you ll be willin to think bout bout goin into some other biisiness. Wouldn t it be better for the boy ? Try to think on t." She told me where to find the child Julian Fin net was his name and I went away. Wall, I thought I wouldn trouble the folks this time, so I never said a word, but went alone and hunted up the little violin-player. He was as pretty a boy as I ever set eyes on. He seemed to be a good boy, too, and the neighbors all spoke well on him. He was most distracted bout his "mammy" as he called her -and it was a good 1 82 ADVENTURES OF AN OL MAID. while fore I could do anything with him. Finally I got him to play for me, and the music seemed to carm him more than anything else. I ain t no judge o music, but it did seem to me as if there was somethin oncommon about the child s playin , and I meant to find out if I was right. Now what do you think I did ? I went over to that big store and called on Mister Flood. " Mister Flood," says I, " I knew you was a good man, the minnit I set eyes on ye, and 1 hear that you do a great deal for your feller bein s one way n another. Now I believe here s a chance, and I ve took the liberty to come and tell you about it. Then I told him how I visited Simple Susan," and how I believed there was good in her that we could git at through her lit tle boy. I asked him to hear him play, and do somethin for him, if he thought best. Wall, the upshot on t was, Mister Flood dis- kivered that the boy was & genyus, and he got him a teacher and took care on him while his mother was in the lobby. And he was sech a good little feller, and so interestin that Mister Flood got real tached to him, and the boy fairly worshipped him. They managed to git the mother off, so she didn t have to go to jail, and when she found out all that had been done for Julian, and who done it she seemed all made over new. T any rate the last I heard from her she was livin an honest life, and her boy was playin at concerts for good prices. One thing more and I am done. The mornrn ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAID. 183 / me and Mister Hawkins started to come back East, little Julian come over and brought a box from Mister Flood, sayin it was a weddiri present. and I mustn t e pen it till I got home. When I did open it, I found a harnsome lace shawl and a jrt V laces for my neck and sleeves. And inside on the kiver was writ the giver s name and * God Bless Aunt Rutk." THE ADVENTURES OF A BASHFUL IRISHMAN. CHAPTER I. DOCTOR KILLQUICK AND 1. My name is O Blarnoy. I was born beside a hedge, under an umbrella, during" a shower, about a stone s throw from my father s farm-house. The night pre vious to my introduction into this vale of tears was marked by a singular occurrence. My mother, a plump philanthropist of forty, dreamed that she was de livered of a rope, a circumstance which the gossips in the neighborhood, one and all, agreed was ominous of a rather unpleasant event in my career. My father w r as a middle-aged farmer, in the usual indifferent circumstances. In his notions of business this gentleman was a staunch advocate of the free-trade system, and, from his vicinity to the sea-coast, he had frequent opportunities of reducing his favorite theory to practice. Such being the two-fold nature of his vocation (hat is to say, being a farmer by day and a smuggler by night he had little or no time to throw away upon my education, and I, accordingly, shot up from infancy to boyhood as wild and undisciplined as a colt. The history of all childhood is pretty nearly tho (7) 8 bOCTOK KILLQUIUK AND I. same; I shall therefore pass it by, and come at once to the period when I attained my seventeenth year. At this epoch I was placed in the shop of a certain village doctor, by the name of Killquick, a waggish, good- humored little fellow, who was famous throughout the district for the invention of specifics, by the help ot which he wrought the most surprising cures. As the doctor in his personal appearance passed the verge ol the extraordinary and approached to the miraculous, 1 must pause to give a sketch of him. He had the head of a giant fixed upon the shoulders of a dwarf. His eyes were of a gooseberry color ; his nose was gathered up in a bunch in the middle, just as if Dame Nature had, in a frolicsome mood, tied it in a double knot; his teeth were tusks in shape and size; he had a split in his upper lip, which enabled him to give a full and perfect development to the broadest grin that ever threw a stranger into hysterics; his mouth was not so much a mouth as a huge gash scored at random across his face; and he had two big red ears, which projected from each side of his head like the lamp lights of a mail-coach. Next to the doctor, the greatest curiosity in the county was the doctor s horse; which, having long been the subject of-its master s experiments, had been physicked into a most promising state of atrophy. The very lean est hackney coach-horse that ever crawled would have blushed to have been seen in his company. Of course, the doctor was proud of such an evidence of his medical skill, and it was as rich a treat as eyes could behold, to see him mounted on its back, swaying to and fro like a scarecrow in a steady wind, while every little ragged urchin for miles around would take flight at his approach, as if only to look were to be physicked. Under this original, my genius for pharmacy (which at a subsequent period, as tne reader will find, I turned to account, developed itself with such precocity that the doctor spoke of me everywhere as the most promising pupil he ever had; and even went so far as to intrust DOCTOR KILLQUICB AND I me with the secret of his recipes at which, in process of time, I fully equaled, if not surpassed, him. More over, he imbued me with my first notions of th* drama: for, strange to tell, he imagined he had a gift that way; and whenever a new company made its appearance, he always took me with him to witness their perform ances. His favorite character was Hamlet, whick, he contended should be played in a straight waistcoat, a& furnishing a lively and original comment upon the peculiarities of the character. It is a pity that such a versatile genius should die; but doctors, like the rest of mankind, are mortal more especially when they are in the habit of taking their own physic and, accordingly, it came to pass that my excellent master quitted his patients in this world to rejoin those who crowded the other, in consequence of having, in a moment of forgetful ness, drank, a hearty draught of one of his own elixirs. From his hands I was transferred to Father O Flan- naghan a round, rosy, comfortable ecclesiastic of the old school, who, had seen much of the world and prided himself not a little on his discernment of char acter. He prophesied my rise in life from having marked the attention with which I listened to his remarks, and the facility with which I adapted my self to his habits. The respect of youth is the most effective compliment that can be paid to age. Worldly natures are peculiarly alive to this flattery. They imagine it the outpouring of artlessness and sincerity, which, experience has taught them, it is all but vain to expect from those of their own age and standing. Father O Flannaghan felt my deference to his opinions as a compliment in its fullest acceptation, and showed that he felt it by the way in which he repaid me with exhortation. " Ever bear in mind, Terence, 1 he was often in the habit of saying, " The great ob ject of existence is the acquisition of power. Gain this conscientiously if you can; but, at all events, gain it for the world respects you solely for your influence; 10 DOCTOR KILLQUICK ANJ? 1 it has neither leisure nor inclination to canvass the means by which you gained it. Remember, also, thai man is the natural prey of man, and that, if you ret rain from turning your friend to a rational and profitable account, you will do him no service, but yourself much injury." Such, with few or no variations, was the usual sub stance of Father O Flannaghan s admonitions, which, I may say, almost moulded my entire habits of thought and action. I continued with this good man up to the period of my twenty-first birthday, when I returned to my father s roof, wiser, certainly more self-confident and more am bitious; but quite as poor as when I quitted it. About this period, my mother was accidentally killed by her own brother in one of those pugnacious moods with which the best of Irishmen are at times afflicted. It is soothing to reflect that the worthy lady died in excellent spirits, and that, on the Sunday following her wake, one-half the town appeared with their heads hound up. Passing over a host of unimportant incidents, I ap proach the period of my first love. My first love! What a world of ineptitude and insanity is comprised in those two words! The object of my attachment was the only daughter of Mr. Mahoney. She was a grace ful, sprightly young creature, a piquant mixture of the coquette and the prude, with an eye blacker than coal; hair soft and dusky as twilight; a mouth small, flexible, expressive, and in the angles of which an arch smile perpetually nestled; a bust formed on the purest classic model; and a figure tall, slim, yet just sufficiently plump and rounded to convey the idea of perfect health and symmetry. i had beeii in the habit of encountering Miss Mahoney in the course of my daily strolls about the neighborhood, and, though I cannot assert that she made me the object of any very marked scrutiny, yet a thousand casual acts of attention made me fancy DOCTOK KILLQU1CK AND J. 11 that I was not altogether indifferent to her. When once this nattering notion had fixed itself in my thoughts, it was astonishing how it contrived to feed and thrive on air. There is nothing like idleness to nourish the sentimentalities and conceits of youth. Once, as I was guiding a remarkably handsome young English oih cer towards Gralway, whither his regiment had been lately ordered, Miss Mahoney passed us on horseback, when I instantly detected a blush on her countenance. These, with other trivial circumstances, which I cannot stop to explain, brought home to my mind the delightful assurance that I was not unbe- loved by the finest girl in all the land. We moved, to be sim>, in different circles; but what of that? Love is a Jeweler whose pride it is to over throw all the obstacle? which circumstance and situa tion may oppose to his progress. I was proverbially sanguine, and from the first moment of my encounter with Miss Mahoney I felt persuaded that f:v ;o had destined us for each other. This idea hauntoM me incessantly. I became shadowy and transparent affected the moonlight, and sought for sympathy i l the stars. If I went out for a ramble, it was to steal a glance at Mi.ss Mahoney. If I smiled, it was on Miss Mahoney. If I prayed, it was for Mi-> Mahoney. If I rhymed, it was on Miss Mahoney. If I swore, it, was by Miss Mahoney. If I dreamed, it was of Miss Mahoney. My father and I were seated together one niirht. be side the fire; when, .aroused by a sigh which involun tarily escaped me, he laid down his paper, and looking at me with a serio-comic air said "Terence, what ails you: " For the life of mo I could not answer. " By the power.-,, the boy s bewitched!" rejoined my father. " Right, sir, 1 am bewitched." " Aisy, lad, &.\id tell me all about it; sure, then, it * myself will soe you righted at least, so there s no law iu the ^>se." MY FUtST LOVE. CHAPTER H. JIT FIRST LOVE. There was a plausibility about this that at once gained cay attention; for I could not but remember that my father had, himself, in early life, been a martyr to the tender passion, therefore, I felt I had every right to look for sympathy; so, after a moment s hesitation, when he had twice repeated his question, I burst out with, " Father, I m in love!" I thought he would go oft in a fit at this confession. "Father, I m in love, " no said, mimicking the touch ing sadness of my voice and countenance. "Ha, Ha, Ha! was ever such a thing heard of! And pray, Terence, who are you in love with?" When I mentioned the lady s name, my father s laughter broke out with more violence than ever. " Oh, murder!" he exclaimed digging the tears out of h s eyes with his knuckles, "this lad 11 be the death of me!" "Then, sir," I suddenly replied, " since you turn my sufferings into ridicule, and give me not an atom of encouragement, I shall go and hang myself." " And what good 11 that do hey, Terence;" The question was a striking one, and reconciled me at once to existence. Nevertheless, despairing of re ceiving any further serviceable suggestions from a man who was fast hastening to pass the boundary line of sobriety, I resolutely refused to answer any more of his interrogatories; but wrapping myself in the silence of a lofty indignation, quitted the room and retired to bed. The next day the conversation of the preceding night was resumed. But, singularly enough, my fath er s notions had undergone a change. Instead of ridi- MY FIRST LOVE. 13 ruling- my presumption or giving up my case as hope less, he now advised me to persevere, and even went the length of urging me to indite what he called "a tine flourishing" love-letter to Miss Mahoncv, to which 1 added a postscript, stating that the individual to whom the note referred would, himself, wait for a reply the next day in a certain lane, whose position I took care to lay down with accuracy. Well, the letter, penned, folded, and addressed, was consigned to my father s custody, who set out to deliver it into the hands, if possible, of the lady herself; while I spent the interval of his absence in conjuring up a thousand flattering anticipations. Within an hour the old man returned. He had delivered my missive, he said, with an arch smile, to a footman at the hall- door, and, after waiting fully ten minutes fora reply, was informed by the servant, at the command of his mis tress, that none was needed. Silence gives consent. I, at least, was not willing to suppose otherwise, and so persuaded myself that I had but to make my appearance, in decent trim, at the place of rendezvous, to be received as my merits de served. Decent trim! The phrase was an awkward one, and replete with discouraging reminiscences. I was, in truth, most delicately situated in this respect. My coat was a fragment; and my hat had lost its crown. In the move secluded villages, possessions such as the.se are acquired by inheritance, or left by will as legacies. No man dreams of purchasing them on his own ac count; I was not an exception to the general rule, con sequently my ancestral wardrobe was in a sorry condi tion; nothing but the ingenuity and perseverance of my father, who assisted me in the endeavor to render it again fit for service, enabled me at length to work out my ideas of decent trim. It was a delightful morning- when I set out on my sentimental journey. The birds were singing on every hedge they could find to sing on; the wild colts were 14 MY FIKST LOVE. running races on the moor; the spirit of universal happiness lay soft and sunny upon the earth. On I went till I caught the first glimpse of the r.p- pointed lane; when, halting close under the shadow of an elm, I began to frame an address Avorthy of my self and Miss Mahoney. I felt that I had but to speak to conquer. Thus absorbed, 1 came within sight of the place of rendezvous. On reaching it, I halted and cast a hurried glancearound me to asceitain if the shape of a female form were moving before me. But all was still and breathless. Presently, I heard a rustling I listened the branches parted with a crash but, in stead of the laughing figure I expected to see bound through the aperture, an old cow stared me full in the face! At length, the sound of footsteps came quickly up the lane, and in a few minutes, three men, in whose faces I was not slow to recognize mischief, advanced towards me. The foremost Avas a favorite English groom of Mr. Mahoney. "What," said I, "can this import? Nothing but disappointment! Yet I cannot have been mistaken in my anticipations! Those smi Ics that look, can they have V No, no it must not, can not be! Courage, then all will yet be well!" And, thus I boldly resolved to await the result of circum stances. Terence," said the vile Saxon, "is this your letter:" "Yes," I replied, in a tone of becoming confidence. "And you hope to receive an answer from my young lady in person?" "Undoubtedly." "Truly, a very modest confession." "Sir," said I, "it is not Avith you that I want to speak; when I need your counsel, I will not fail to ask it." The Avretch turned to his fellows Avith a sneer. I caught the expression, and prepared for instant flight. But the man had evidently anticipated some such jlY FIRST LOVE. 15 maneuver; and before I hud time to enter into satisfac tory explanations, made a sign to his companions, who, with an alacrity which I shall never think of without disgust, seized me by the Legs and arms, and trotted otF with me towards a neighboring field, where a mob was anxiously expecting my arrival. On seeing me approach, the whole assembly burst into uproarious laughter, and in an incredibly short space of time adjusted a blanket, threw me right into the middle of it and sent me, head over heels, high up into the astonished sky. I forbear to enumerate the reluctant somersets I threw: I shrink from details of the height to which I rose, or the depth to which I fell: suffice it to say that at one moment I was as near to heaven as a doctor s patient, and the next as far removed from it as a lawyer. For at least half an hour, I kept rising and sinking in this very indecorous fashion now, impersonating the sublime, and now, the pathos at the expiration of which time I was set once more on my legs, and com plimented on my termination to "Love s young dream!" Overcome with shame and offended* delicacy, I was preparing to sneak from. the field, when whom should I encounter but my father! The old man said noth ing; but when he winked his eye, and laid his fore finger beside his nose, at the same time casting a sly glance at the blanket, I thought I should have gone distracted. To be thus outraged by a mob and jeered by a parent to have one s sensibilities thus blighted, as it were, in the bud flesh and blood could not endure the shock, so, like a maniac, I rushed from the scene nor halted till many long miles lay between me and the scene of my humiliation. After three hours walking, during which my fancy had shaped out a thousand plans for the future for, resolved never to return home, I already looked on myself as a citizen of the world I was compelled from exhaustion to come to a halt; so seating myself a tew yards iroiii the road, 1 reviewed, as dispassionately Iti HUMAN NATUKE. as the state of my ribs would allow, the events of the last few hours. "Had I possessed but ordinary assurance," I said, "I should not have been thus situated. What had I to do with sneaking about waiting for stolen interviews with young ladies? I should have known better what was due to the dignity of manhood have gone boldly up to the house pleaded my cause in person and trusted to my stars for the result. Instead of which, I have proved myself a spooney! Is it wonderful that I am treated with contempt: Is not a blanketing the legit imate inheritance of such a ninny? Oh, fool! fool! this confounded modesty will be my ruin!" Turning from this reverie, I proceeded to discuss the plan of my future the advice of Father O Flan- naghan recurred tome with healing effect. "Yes," I exclaimed. "I will neither despond nor become desper ate, Fortune is rarely coy to those who know how to contend for her favors. If one thing fails, I will try another. I have talents, I have something of educa tion; and Nature, if she has cursed me with shame- facedness, has, it is to be hoped, blessed me with suffi cient energy to neutralize it. By this time, the day was wearing on, and as my afflic tions, though severe, had not deprived me of appetite, I made all possible haste towards the nearest town. My speed \vas uuincumbered with bag and baggage, tor my whole wardrobe was on my back, and my whok stock of cash consisted of very little. CHAPTER III. HUMAN NATURE. By twilight, I reached a village, and entering a small inn, called for the landlord and ordered supper in that tone of authority which implies the possession of the ways and means. HUMAN NATURE. 17 The man hastened to obey my summons, and in a few minutes returned with some cheese, (by no means improved by age) hot potatoes, a loaf of home-made bread, and, what I feel justified in asserting was, very passable coffee. The sharp edge of appetite was soon blunted on these viands, to which a bowl of coffee lent the finest possible relish and rendered me insensible to all anx ieties. In the course of the evening the room gradually filled; and just when my spirits had attained an envia ble point of elevation, and I was ripe for any frolic, a random remark, let fall by an individual who was drinking with some others at a table at the far end of the room, gave rise to a tart rejoinder from, one of his companions, to which he as tartly replied. A crowd was soon gathered about the disputants; the strife of tongues began to wax loud and louder, till at length, a blow, aimed at the author of the fray brought on what was indeed a lovely "scrimmage." No one dreamed of siding either with this party or with that; impartiality being the order of the clay, all you were expected to do was to pitch into your next neighbor and get as much fun out of him as possible. Was I idle all this time? No! It was not in human certainly not in Irish nature to resist the tempta tion. In a wonderfully short space of time, therefore, I found myself in the very thick of the battle, anchored alongside the individual whose Avild rattle had origi nated it. Scarcely had I taken up this position, when such a terrific blow was aimed at my neighbor s head as must infallibly have demolished him, if I had not intercepted it by dexterously interposing the leg of a broken stool with which I had armed myself. On seeing this, he turned round and giving me alook, as much as to say, "I am too busy now, but will thank you when it is all over," set to work again, in conceit with myself, with such well-directed energy, while the others were all hammering away at random, that when 18 . HUAIAN NATURE. the landlord rushed in to separate the combatants, we \verc the onlyjtwo who were not lavishly embellished with black eyes, and other such pugilistic illustrations. After a cleverly-sustained affair of about half an hour, peace was restored. Some quitted the coffee-room for the purpose of anointing their wounds; others resumed their places in high glee at the entertainment they had just received; while the stranger whom IhaiJ so opportunely befriended, after squeezing me by the hand a dozen times, took his seat beside me and insisted making my better acquaintance. Something there was about this individual a certain knowing air, half-comic, half-disconsolate, betokened the reckless adventurer whose entrance into a coffee- room is the signal for the landlord to take away the- silver spoons. In the course of conversation with the stranger, we slided imperceptibly into that most attractive of all topics, the state of our mutual affairs. My story was soon told, though not without repeated interruptions from the laughter of my companion, who inquired, when I had brought it to a close, what I intended to be my next plan of proceeding. I have been considering whether I should not make the best of my way to the city and endeavor to pro. cure a situation with some chemist or apothecary. I have had some little experience in that line." "Killed your man, no doubt What say you to offer ing your services to some of the farmers hereabouts? This is just the right time, you know." "Sir!" said I indignantly, "I was born for nobler objects than to walk at the plow." Ambitious! Gad, I like your spirit." "Yes, Father O Flannaghan used often to say that if I played my cards well, I should rise in the world. 4 The lad is not without genius, was his frequent remark to my father." "Genius! Curse the phrase! I never hear it but I think of a detective. Nothing flourishes that has the HUMAN NATURE. 19 slightest connection with it. Look at me I shouM have been a rich man by this time, if it had not been lor my genius." "Yet Father O Flannaghan used to say that genius, properly Hang Father O Flannaghan! He knew nothing about the matter. AVill genius fill your purse when it is empty will it go bail for you will it even pay your bill to-night? But let us drop the subject. Are you fond of the stage!"" "Very. In fact, I believe I have a turn that way; for when living with Dr. Killquick, I was a constant visitor at the theater." Indeed! Then, perhaps, I may bo able to do some thing for you. I am an actor myself." "Is it possible?" said I, in a most deferential manner; "yet, now I come to look more closely into your feat ures, I do think I saw you play Hamlet one night at least, I remember a performer being hissed off the stage in that character." "Sir, you have a very absurd way of expressing your self. I never played Hamlet and never mean to do so. The people are wholy incapable of appreciating a man of mind in such a part." I was convinced by this I was right, though I dis creetly kept my opinion to myself, while the actor pro ceeded as follows: "Yes, sir, I am not only an actor of experience; but, unfortunately, also of just sufficient genius to "Excite the jealousy of your brother actors." "Egad, you have hit it. In the last corps to which 7 attached myself, I was a deserved favorite!" "How, then, came you to leave it?" "Leave it? It was impossible to stay. Why, siv, would you believe it, notwithstanding the houses 1 drew as "Brulgruddery," the manager, jealous of ray gen iu*. put another man into the part", and, not content wito thu, actually stuck his name in large red letters at ta top of the play-bill, while he printed mine in the very 20 HUMAN NATURE. smallest type at the bottom Scandalous! Wasn t it?" "Yes; but what brings you to this out-of-the-way placer" "I have been assisting at a friend s benefit and am now on my way to join the company by the by, just talk of pleasure! The actor is the only man who really knows what it means. At one moment, flush of wealth; at another, without a sixpence; this night, figuring in a gorgeous theater; the next, in a homely barn; now, sipping champagne with squires; and now, swipes with vagrants; hanging loose on the skirts of society, a very Arab in independence there is no condition in life so replete with all the elements of change, and conse quently, of interest, as that of the actor. True, he has his cares! But, despite my own ill-luck, your stroller is the happiest dog in existence." "You don t say so!" said I, catching the infection of his convivial enthusiasm. "Indeed, but I do, though! Conceive the ecstacy of a first appearance! The crowded house the glittering lights the inspiring music the stiire of approving crit ics from the pit the fond gaze of beauty from the boxes and then, as the first wave of your plumage is caught from the side-wings, the profound, universal hush, so sudden, so intense, that were a god but to blow his nose, there would be an instant cry from all parts of the house of Throw him over conceive all this, I say, and allow, with me, that the actor s life is the only one to which the name of pleasure can really apply!" My fancy was fired with this description! In idea, I was already a Garrick! My companion marked my emotion. "You would make a capital actor!" he con tinued; "but I will not press the question further at present. I see you re affected ; probably by to-morrow you will be inclined to entertain a favorable opinion of my project. Meantime, I ll give you a toast Success to the stage. All the world s a stag-e, as the divine Billy says. Not, bad, hey?" We sat talking till long past midnight; when, the HUMAN NATURE. 21 candles low in the sockets, and the landlord imperative, we retired to our rooms. The next morning I awoke with a desperate headnehr, which was still further increased by the amount of the bill sent in by the landlord; who, deceived by my ap pearance, had charged me at a most exorbitant rate. This comes of looking like a gentleman! The hour of reckoning is the most melancholy in the whole twenty-four. I found it so; and was ruminating sadly on my destitute state, when my new friend came to my assistance. "I can (guess your^thoughts," said he; "whenever a man puts on a long face, it is always for want of money." "You have guessed right. I am seriously troubled, just now, on that score." "No wonder ! all scores are troublesome. But be of good cheer, man, I will pay the reckoning. Nay, no apologies; besides, I have taken a fancy to you." "But, my dear sir "Not a word. Remember, I am now in your debt, for last night you saved me from a broken head. If, how ever, your pride dislikes the idea of obligation to a stranger, you have it in your power to appease your conscience by accepting an engagement. I am sure I shall be able to get you one; for our company is sadly in want of a novelty." Needs must when the devil drives ; so, I allowed my friend to discharge the entire reckoning, which task performed, we set forward on our journey, under the refreshing influence of a slow drizzle which threat ened to keep us company the whole way 22 THEATRICALS., CHAPTER IV. THEATRICALS. Contrary, I believe, to nine ont often theatrical aspi rants, I commenced my campaign under very flatter ing auspices. Thanks to the dramatic predilections of Doctor Killqnick, and the license allowed me in my studies by Father O Flannaghan! I had been in the habit, during my unbewhiskered juvenility, of devour ing a vast variety of plays ; so that when I entered on my stage career, with these and the additional ad vantages of a few preliminary lessons from my new acquaintance, it was not altogether a novelty to me. After my first appearance in Romeo, the editor of the leading journal there, published, the day after my debut the following- striking and pertinent remarks : "Last night a Mr. Terence^ Felix O Blarney made his first appearance here as Romeo. This young aspirant possesses every qualification for the part. He has ex cellent lungs; is exceedingly vigorous in his move ments; and stands nearly, if not quite, six feet in his shoes. His dress was singularly picturesque, and he was received with enthusiasm by a most respectable and fashionable audience. We understand, he appears to-morrow night as Harlequin. Judging from his Romeo, we should conceive he would play this very difficult part to admiration. Both characters have many points in common; both are young, active, in love, and fond of leaping, and cqndcmned to experience the most startling vicissitudes. We wish Mr. O Blarney all the success that his genius so richly merits." This able criticism brought me into instant notice. Indeed, such and so sudden was my reputation, that be fore my first month had expired, I was promoted, with the offer of a free benefit at the close of the season. THEATRICALS. 23 My second and third appearances were as Hamlet and Harlequin, both of which trying characters I person ated the same evening. Public opinion was seriously divided on this occasion. The more intellectual among the community preferred rny Hainlet; the more mer curial, my Harlequin. If, on so delicate a topic, it may be permitted me to volunteer an opinion, I should say- that my Hamlet was the triumph of mind, my Harle quin of muscle. In consequence of my flattering success, I was in vited to play the leading parts at every theater and barn in that civilized quarter of Ireland. This desul tory mode of life introduced me to many odd charac ters, and engaged me in many odd adventures, some of a tragic, others of a comic character. One in particu lar, of the latter class, took place under circumstances of marked singularity. The manager had announced for representation a melo-drama, in which, among other attractions, was to be introduced a view of the Lakes of Killarney, painted expressly for the occasion. The announcement took prodigiously, and on the appointed night the barn was crowded to suffocation. So far. all was well; but, un luckily, just at the moment when we were preparing to draw up the curtain, we discovered that our scene- painter, in revenge for some real or fancied affront of fered him by the manager, had inoculated the entire landscape with charcoal , and, not content with this lively sample of indepeiidence, had actually eloped, and, accompanied by the treasurer, had carried off with him the night s proceeds Here was a dilemma ! What, in Heaven s name, was to be done ? This question we kept perpetually asking each other ; but, alas ! not one of us could answer it. Meantime the audience became clamorous for the curtain to draw up Squalls, shouts of laughter, and threats of vengeance pealed in all directions, and even the orchestra notwithstanding it consisted of two cracked fiddles failed to allay the storm. 24 THEATRICALS. In this predicament, our manager proposed an ap peal to the audience. But here, again, a difficulty pre sented itself. Who was to be the spokesman:* Each declined the honor in favor of the other, until, at length no better scheme presenting itself it was re solved that we should all of us attempt our escape out of a window at the rear of the stage. The manager Avas the ir.st to make the experiment, and being of a thin, spare habit, succeeded to his heart s content. The rest followed in rotation, until it cama to the manager s wife s turn, who was an immensely fat woman, with a singular exuberance of bustle, and consequently stuck fast in the window, with her neck and shoulders out, but the rest of her person hanging suspended over the stage. In this grotesque position, she kicked, shoved, and strove to wriggle herself through the aperture; but in vain her obesity put a veto on all hopes of emancipation. I think I never saw a tighter fit ! At this critical juncture I was the only one left upon the stage. There was evidently no chance of escape; so, as a last resource for the audience had by this time become furious I summoned the orchestra, bade them strike up "St. Patrick s Day," and then, slowly drawing aside the curtain, advanced in front of the stage, made a profound obeisance, and, pointing to the fat dame who hung wriggling from the window, exclaimed aloud: "Ladies and gentlemen, behold a view of tho Lakes of Killarncy!" Whether the likeness struck them or not, I cannot say; but never was any appeal more successful. The audience literally shouted with laughter, nor was peace restored till they had testified the excess of their satis faction by a general fight, in the bustle of which I effected my escape. How the manager s wife effected hers, I know not possibly she is sticking in the win dow to this hour. For nearly two seasons, I continued acting. My por trait, or something like a portrait, was exhibited at THEATRICALS. 25 every shop; my witticisms repented at every table; my attitudes were the envy of the men, my countenance the admiration of the women. Among the number of those to whom my convivial abilities especially recommended themselves was a rich, retired old tradesman, by the name of O Brien. This man had a niece, who, though perhaps not much of a beauty, and still less of a chicken in point of age, inas much as she was fully four years my senior, was the acknowledged heiress of all her uncle s property. It was chiefly through this lady s maneuvers that I first got a footing in the old man s house; for she had seen me in most of my favorite characters, and, being smitten with the faculties of the actor, was prepared to extend her predilection to the man. When a woman is once determined on a point, there is little doubt but that she will in the long run accom plish it. Convinced that I was the only man who would, could, should, or ought to make her happy, Catharine soon contrived to give me a hint of the nature of her feelings towards me. In vain did her uncle,who found means to gain possession of her secret, protest, entreat, threaten; in vain forbid me to visit his house; in vain talk of disinheriting his niece; in vain point out to her the madness of marrying a fellow whose sole stock in trade was his assurance; the young lady s spirit was up, and she vowed, with a saucy toss of the head, that she would marry the man of her choice, and him alone. I, of course, reciprocated these sentiments, but fre quent and various were the hazards I encountered in my efforts to impress them on the heart of Catharine. Once, while waiting for her at midnight by the garden gate, I was mistaken by her uncle for a robber, and very nearly brought clown at a long shot; on another occasion, I was saluted with the contents of a slop-pail from a garret-window; and in a third instance, I was kept cooling my heels a full hour beneath the moon light, till my teeth chattered like a pair of castanets. Making love by midnight, when the thermometer is 2P> OUR WEDDING JOURNEY. below zero, is harder work than most people seem to have any idea of. But perseverance does wonders ! I contrived to ob tain first one secret interview then a second then a third then a fourth, fifth and sixth until, at length, it became but too clear that nothing was left but an elope ment. Mr. O Brien was panic-stricken when the intelligence of this impending event first reached his ears. But finding that every expedient failed, he made a virtue of necessity and finally consented to our union. Within a week from the day when the nuptial-knot was tied, Mrs. O Blarnev and myself started off for the wedding tour. Old O Brien, who, notwithstanding his munificence to Catharine, was very contracted and tradesman-like in his notions, was almost paralyzed at the grandeur of our intentions, and would have kept us under his own eye; but the lady was bent on seeing the world, and would listen neither to advice nor remon strance. CHAPTER V. OUR WEDDING JOURNEY. Our first stay of any duration was in Paris. I had long heard that this city was famous for the Fine Arts, and, truly, I never met with such finished specimens of cookery! After a short stay, we quitted the French capital for Frankfort, whence we made a hasty tour through some of the minor principalities. The magnificence of a few of these German quite astounded me. Think of his Serene Highness the Prince of Saxe Schweig- hausen, with upwards of sixty quarterings on his .-inns, being absolute lord and master of a territory contain ing nearly ten thousand inhabitants, yielding a c)ear revenue of almost nine hundred pounds per annum, and OUH WEDDING JOUKNEY. 27 supporting an army of some twelve dozen private sol diers, exclusive of six field-officers, and a band worthy to vie with the orchestra of one of our minor theaters! To this most puissant sovereign I had the honor of being publicly presented at court. To be sure, the ex hibition cost me half-a-crown in fees. But what of that ? Royalty is not an every-day show. Besides, his Highness was, without exception, the fattest man 1 had ever seen, and in England, it would have cost me a shil ling to see a prize ox. We found the metropolis of this mighty monarch s king dom in a grievous state of excitement. An Italian singer at that time quite the rage on the Continent had en gaged to give a series of vocal performances at Schweighausen, but, just at the very moment when the royal family and noblesse w r ere all anxious expectation, the fair cantatrice split upon terms, and declared off. Here was a shock to the grand monarqud Never had such an affront been put upon himself or his princi pality 1 It became quite a national affair. A cabinet council was instantly summoned, which, after some hours deliberation, despatched a courier, with sealed despatches, to the contumelious vocalist; while, from the hurryings to and fro of the dames of honor, and the grave, mysterious looks of the courtiers, you would have sworn a revolution was impending. How the af fair ended I know not, as I did not stay to see; but I heard, subsequently, that the cabinet, deeming it be neath the national dignity to reinforce the army and proclaim war against a woman, wisely came to her terms, which were so exorbitant that they crippled the exchequer for months afterward. With our visits to Paris, Frankfort, Switzerland and the other et cateras incidental to such an ex pensive mode of life, I found, after a fortnight s resi dence on the Strada Chiaja, that my wife s fortune was daily oozing out of my possession; so, in order to sup ply the deficiency, I was compelled to have recourse to 28 OUR AVEDDLN G JOURN EY. For a long time, I concealed this propensity from Mrs. O Blarney. But what can escape the lynx eye of curiosity ? It so happened that she was one day smit ten with a sudden fancy to make a purchase of some tempting goods; when, on applying to me, she found that I was wholly unable to accommodate her with cash. In the course of the evening a mutual explanation took place, when I candidly told Catharine that, unless she assigned over to me the annuity which the suspi cions of her uncle had settled on her, I should infallibly become a ruined man. To my astonishment she re fused, adding that in future nothing should prevent her doing that justice to herself which I had so scandal ously neglected. The remark was cutting, and, under the circumstances, ungenerous; though its severity was somewhat blunted by the promise which my wife shortly after made me, of writing to Mr. O Brien a statement of our embarrassments, with a request that he would render us prompt pecuniary assistance. To this note I attached a postscript, inclosing a Neapolitan physician s receipt for the gout. By the earliest post for the old man prided himself on his punctuality an answer was returned to our ap plication. But, alas ! its import was anything but flat tering. The writer began by observing that he could not think of advancing money to people so little acquainted with its value; that he had always anticipated this would be the result of Catharine s ill-advised marriage, which, she might do him the justice to remember, he had resolutely opposed from the first; that he thought, un der the circumstances, the best thing we could both -do would ba to retrench our household expenditure, and, in the bosom of a strict and cheap seclusion, strive to regain that composure of which, it was but too evi dent, we both stood in need. The letter concluded by thanking me for my receipt for the gout, which, how ever, the churlish old fox asserted, whether intended to do so or not, had made him infinitely worse than he was before he had recourse to it. OUR WEDDING JOURNEY. 29 Tula reply decided my fate. Poverty having come in at the door, timid Love, as a matter of course, "got orer the back fence." Henceforth, I mot with nothing but reproaches from my wife. For some weeks, how ever, I bore her altered conduct with submissivencss. When I espied a frown on her brow, I strove with words of endearment to avert the thunder-cloud; I re minded her of the days of our courtship, when she was my Juliet and I was her Romeo; but, alas ! at the very moment when her heart was softening, the slightest allusion to the annuity would bring back all her unpo- etic notions of self-interest Day by day, hour by hour, Mrs. O Blarney s ill-humor increased. If, one moment, she was comparatively se rene, the next, she blew a hurricane. Having 1 been a spoiled child from her very .cradle, she had little or no command of IVT temper. To soften her was difficult to subdue, impossible. As well might I have attempted to check Niagara with a bulrush. Such was my domestic position when one disastrous evening after I had earnestly supplicated my wife to accommodate me, if only by way of loan, with the usual half-yearly allowance which she had just received from her uncle, in order that I might disembarrass my self of certain pecuniary obligations, and be enabled to turn over a ne\v leaf, the impetuous lady not only re fused my petition; but pointed her refusal by some scornful allusions to what she called my general profli gacy. Stung to the quick by her manner, I threatened to take leave of her forever, on which she replied "Oh, do pray go ! I desire nothing better; the very sight of you is odious to me. Would to Heaven I had never met with such a monster!" "Monster, forsooth! you must have been looking in your glass lately, my dear, which has made the monstrous familiar to you." The cool way in which I said this had quite an elec trical effect on my wife, who forthwith proceeded to 30 A WARM RECEPTION. pour on me such a torrent of abuse that at last my patience wholly gave way, and springing down stairs, I was out of sight in an instant. On reaching the street, I kept wandering up and down, cursing my evil -destiny, and endeavoring to shape out some plans for the future, till, finding that I could settle down to nothing, I dismissed all further reflec tion, and bent my steps toward one of the public cafe s, With a brain heated by excitement, I strolled into the San Carlos, where, after looking about me for some time, and being challenged to try my luck at a game of hazard, I threw down a piece of gold was successful threw down a second, a third then trebled and quadrupled my stakes, till at length, after an hour s play, without the slightest effort of skill,! came away the winner of upwards of a hundred pounds. Such a run of good luck completely upset what little judgment I ever possessed. I felt my heart warm again to my wife; and, immediately on quitting the gaming-table, Hew homeward, fully resolved, in the wild glee of the moment, to make her the amende honorable , though I must confess, at the same tune, that I was in that feverish, unsettled state of mind when a sneer, or even a frown, is sufficient to turn the sr-ale, and upset all one s best resolutions. CHAPTER VI. A WARM RECEPTION. "So you have come back!" said my wife, miscon struing the motives of my return; "and in a pretty condition you have returned!" for my flushed counte nance was too marked to escape her notice. "Catharine, be quiet, or else "Don t think to frighten me, sir; I care nothing for A WARM RECEPTION. 31 the threats of a man I despise. You have insulted me too grossly to be forgiven, and now, by way of atonement, you come back in a state of intoxication. Shame on you ! I wonder you can dare to look me in the face!" "Catharine," said I, with an effort at calmness, "listen to me, and for the last time. I have come back, believe me or not, as you please, solely for the purpose of making reparation for "Reparation! Is it by your drunkenness you hope to make reparation ?" "Perhaps so, perhaps not. However, be this as it may, my return is now prompted by the best of motives." "Oh, yes," replied my wife, with a sneer, "I know the motives well. I can see through them, sir." "Hear me out!" said I, in a voice of thunder. "I won t." "Spiteful, unforgiving old " The word "old" touched my wife in the sorest point. "Spiteful" she might have passed over; "unforgiving" she might have smiled at; but "old" there was too much truth in the phrase to be readily digested; so, despairing, in the frenzy of the moment, of finding words adequate to her feelings, she actually flew for assistance to the foot-stool discharged it, without ceremony, at my head and then, as 1 rushed a second time from the house, flew after me, crying at the very top of her voice, "Aye, go ! Do go ! I dare you to go ! Brute! Monster! Barbarian! Old, indeed!" This last insult was not to be borne; and when I re fleeted on the motives that had drawn me home again- that I had sought my wife in a frank, conciliator] spirit, and instead of being met by answering courtesy had been treated worse than a clog I became [ar unusual thing with me] quite beside myself wit! passion, and before I was well aware of my proximity found myself standing close beside the quay. Kight was now drawing on, and it so happened thul 32 A \VARM RECEPTION. si vessel, taking advantage of a favoring wind, was just about to set sail for Marseilles. The opportunity was irresistible. Judgment, discretion, principle all, all obeyed the headlong impulse of the moment; and with my wife s taunts still ringing in my ears, the foot stool still whistling about my head, and a busy devil at my elbow goading me on to ruin, I sought out the captain of the vessel caught him just as he was stepping into a boat, and concluded with him. for a conveyance to Marseilles. An instant after, and I was on board. The signal was made for sailing; the vessel shot merrily through the waters, and I was far advanced on my voyage arcoss the bay, ere I called to mind my deserted wife! Infatuated man! But remorse was then of no avail. It was too late to return. Besides, had it even been possible, I felt convinced I could never have mustered assurance enough again to face the woman, whom, I could not but feel, iThad wronged. My very modesty rose in arms against me. After a brief voyage the vessel reached Marseilles, where I waited just one day to make some necessary purchases and then set off for England. The first few mornings after my arrival in London were spent in a survey of the various public buildings in and about the metropolis I remember in particular being much struck with Newgate while my evenings were devoted to the theaters. "With respect to a profession, my first serious views w r ere, of course, directed to the stage, and accordingly, when I had devoted quite sufficient time to the gentle man-like occupation of doing nothing, I presented my self early one morning at the theater; inquired of a servant in attendance whether the great lessee were within; and if so, whether he could honor me with an audience. The man glanced at the modest, humble expression of iny countenance; I understood the hint, and kiiew the manager \vas out. A WARM RECEPTION. &j The next day I called and met with the like success the great man was busy, and could not be disturbed. The third day he was at rehearsal; the fourth, he was reading a new piece in the green-room; the fifth, he was negotiating an amicable arrangement with the hind-legs of a;i elephant, both of which had struck for an advance of wages; but on the sixth, as he had only two small melo-dramatists with him, he condescended to favor me with an audience. On entering his august presence, I opened the pro ceedings by a few brief allusions to my astonishing success in Ireland; but saw at once, from the expression of his face, and the shrug of his broad, fat shoulders, that I had not the slightest chance. Indeed, he hinted as much before I had well finished my exordium, and then, starting off from the subject, began to bewail his hard fate in being compelled to sacrifice health, time, and inclination on the altar of public interest; spoke of the important calls on his attention that daily beset him, from individuals of the highest rank and influence in the kingdom, and that, consequently, I might deem myself fortunate in the opportunity of seeing him but for ten minutes; rang the bell, and brought round him i whole host of theatrical subalterns, to each of whom he issued his mandates, with all the air of a despot; and then cast a sidelong glance at me, to see whether I were duly impressed with a sense of his temporal grandeur. i neither fainted nor went off in hysterics, but, perfectly unruffled, as though I were talking to a nere unit like myself, said, "I presume, then, sir, you dscline my services?" "Unquestionably, my good fellow;" then, as if he had committed himself by too much familiarity, he added, with a formal bend of the head, "You may retire, young man; we have business of importance to transact with our worthy friends here, just now." And so ended my first and last interview with the manager of a theater! 34 A WARM RECEPTION. My next speculation was in periodical literature. But here, too, I was as unsuccessful as with the stage. All the editors of all the current magazines scorned to have conspired to drive me frantic with disappointment. Grave as well as gay, prose as well as verse, every tale, essay, criticism, and epigram I contributed, met with precisely the same treatment. This, however, was to have boon expected, for what author who dates from a first-floor front with a French dancing-master con stantly practicing on a violin over his head, and a great healthy vagabond crying "Rats!" every hour of the day under his window, can hope to write anything worth reading? Luckily, about this time, I was in the frequent habit of meeting with the late Colonel . This well known old man, whose brain was a perfect granary of fashionable anecdote, and who had been closely con nected with royalty in its most convivial and confiden tial moments, was never so happy, or so much in his element, as when he could procure a respectful listener, and as I suited him admirably in this respect never yawning, never looking incredulous, and, above all, never laughing in the wrong place he took a pro digious fancy to me, and entertained me with lots of sly, quaint, piquant anecdotes, in which I could not but fancy I perceived the germs of more than one fashionable novel. Following up this bright idea, I took care to glean all the various stores of gossip the old man possessed; after which I proceeded to clothe them from the ward robe of my own invention ; super-added a plot full of delicate entanglements; an impassioned love-intrigile or two; an intensely" interesting heroine, who, wore her zone loosened; and a brisk Bond-street Adonis, more accomplished than a Crichton, hut more pro fligate than a Rochester, This done, behfdd a fashion able novel ! So far, so good. My next endeavor was to secure the (assistance of some stirring, influential pubiiflher. In THE RESULT OF CRITICISMS. 35 this I succeeded beyond my hopes (chiefly in consequence of my Carlton House anecdotage); and, in the course of a few weeks, had the satisfaction of seeing m> "Bon Ton" duly advertised among the forthcoming liovelties of the season, as "A tale of real life, by an author of the highest distinction." No sooner had the work appeared than public atten tion was still further attracted towards it, by a series of mysterious paragraphs in the papers, indirectly ascribing it to the eloquent and sprightly pen of his Royal Highness the Duke of ; and, that nothing might be wanting to confirm its celebrity, a fresh string of advertisements was issued, with the following extracts from the literary journals of the day attached to them by way of rider: "Bon Ton" is a tale of first-rate ability; the author is the Scott of fashionable life. London Museum. A most talented tale, full of point, wit, and sarcasm. The writer forcibly reminds us of Sheridan. Weekly Lit. Miscellany. We have been favored with an early copy of this work (which is yet unpublish ed), and may conscientiously say of the author that he is quite a prose Uyron. Town and Country Magazine. Transcendent! astoniehingl superlative! Star. It is truly refreshing, in this age of cant and humbug, to meet u-ifh a novel like Bon Ton, ptnned in the good old spirit of Smollett and Fielding. Weekly Repository. The puns of this exceedingly facetious noveust are worthy of Mr. Rogers, the eminent banker. John Bull. CHAPTER THE RESULT OP CRITICISMS. From these discriminating criticisms, it will naturally he concluded that "Bon Ton" created quite a sensation in the world of fashion and literature. But no, nothing of the sort. Notwithstanding 1 I attired my hero in lavender-colored slippers; made him sarcastic on port wine; intolerant of those abandoned miscreants who eat fish with a knife and fork ; learned on all gastro nomic matters; notwithstanding all this, "Bon Ton" 36 THE RESULT OF CRiriCISjVTS. fell as stillborn from the press as if no royal duke had been conjectured to be its author! Having thus faile 1 in fact, I thought, 1 would next have recourse to fiction. Nothing venture, nothing gain; so I set about a History of Italy, with which my residence at iS aples had of course made me familiarly acquainted. Strange to tell, my book, even though fiilel with elaborate descriptions of Rome a city which nothing but an accident prevented me from visit- ing-? met with as discouraging a reception as "Bon Ton" nay, I may even add, a worse, for on bargaining for a portmanteau a few months afterward, I found it lined with one of my most impassioned apostrophes to the glory of ancient Rome ! This was vexatious, but it was not my only grievance. Misfortunes never drizzle upon a man s head. They always pour down on him in torrents. The land lady Oh, sound of fear! tTnpleasing to an author s ear at whose house I boarded, having long suspected my condition, now began to look after me with that rest less curiosity which a discreet father exhibits towards an only son who has evinced a predilection for the sea. At first, the good dame s inquisitiveness was confined within the pale of politeness; but at length, as my arrears with her increased, she exchanged the oblique glance for the direct frown, and daily vented her spleen in coarse allusions to my appetite. My situation was now become really critical. My money was nearly all expended, and my entire ward robe was on my back. This last was the "unkindest cut of nil," for any one acquainted with life knows that a good coat is half the secret of success. Boy dress well from vanity; men, from policy. Such was my condition when, one day while seated at a coffee-shop, I chanced to read in the Times journal gome proposals for the establishment of a new literary institution in the metropolis. Without a moment s SESTTLT OF CRITICISM* <*? delay, I despatched a long, elaborate letter to Broug ham, who was mentioned as being one of the warmest patrons of the institution, in which, after enumerating my intellectual qualifications, I proposed myself as a lecturer on whatever branch of knowledge he might feel inclined to suggest. I added that, I did not object to teach mathematics, metaphysics, chemistry, moral philosophy, jurisprudence, the fine arts, elocu tion, music, or even dancing. Within the week I received an answer to this appli cation, in which, after complimenting me in the most flattering terms on my modesty, the illustrious states man declined my services, on the very natural plea that they would excite universal envy. Well, this avenue to fortune closed, a variety of others suggested themselves. First, I thought of a merchant s counting-house; but this idea was no sooner suggested than it was laid aside, for where and how was I to procure the requisite certificate of character, ability, and so forth ? Next, I bethought me of the law. This, while it lasted, was an agreeable illusion enough, fraught with imposing images of the bench, the woolsack,"and the king s conscience. But when I came to look at the question in a worldly, common-sense spirit,more espec ially when I reflected that without impudence a law yer is as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal, I f It with a sigh that the defects of nature were insuperable. At last, a grand idea struck me, I resolved to try the press. I had often heard and read of those sprightly adventurers who contrive to earn a subsistence by pick ing up, or, in case of need, inventing accidents, etc., for the newspapers; so I presented myself at a dull period at the Planet newspaper office, with an affecting report of a young lady who had swallowed a teacupful of ar senic and water, under the influence of derangement brought on by the "diabolical" conduct of a young ohiardsman. Tbis paragraph being well timed, was much approved , 38 THE RESULT OF CRITICISMS. became the subject of an indignant leading article in many of the ensuing Sunday journals, "on the de moralized condition of the higher classes," and went the round of the provincial press under the title of "Shocking Suicide." My next Jterary perpetration was a police report, wherein I detailed the particulars of a pugilistic en counter between two men in a style of the most ram pant vivacity. About this time, too, I contributed about a foot and a half of good jokes weekly to the Looker-on, for which the editor, who was himself a wag of the first water, and liked, as he said, to encourage genius, remunerated me at a very handsome rate. But my chief reliance was on the Planet newspaper, on which, by adroit flattery of the proprietor an odd little fellow, with a style of writing " peculiarly his own " I contrived to gain so strong a hold, that after a month s probation, I was declared to be master of my business, and placed on the establishment as a sort of flying reporter of all work. In this capacity, I exhibited powers of invention that would have done honor to a Scotch novelist. Scarcely a day passed but a Mrs. Tomkius and her only daugh ter fell from a one-horse chaise in Tavistock or Bruns wick squares; or a Mr. Sibthorpe, a stout rentleman ot sixty, with a wig and six children, brokers leg by stumbling over a bit of orange-peel which some urchin had inconsiderately flung upon the pavement. My phenomena were equally creditable to my tancy. The Planet abounded in accounts of extraordinary goose berries, which measured four inches around the waist; of Irish potatoes, on which could be clearly traced the words "Daniel O Connell;" of three children born im promptu at a birth; of goats without beards; cows with live legs; and donkeys with horns like my Lord Not unfrequently, when "extra hands" were wanted I made my appearance in the gallery in the House of Commons infinitely to the annoyance of the practice^ and well-educated gentlemen who attended there noV THE RESULT OF CRITICISMS. 39 one of whom, however, came near me, whether in elo- quence of style, originality of metaphor, or vivacity of logic. They stuck to fact, I expatiated in the airy regions of fiction. But ingratitude is the vice of public men in England, I had actually not distinguished myself above a dozen times in the gallery, when I was summoned to the bar, ibr a breach of privilege contained in a report of one of Sir William Wiseacre s orations; reprimanded by the Speaker in a style that brought the blood of a hundred ancestors into my cheeks; and then formally dismissed from the Planet establishment. In justification of his complaint, Sir William urged ^hat he was not in the House at the time I attributed to him the speech in question, and that nothing but the unparalleled impu dence of the forgery should have But I need say no more. Men of bashful temperament will at once ap preciate the motive for my silence. I should have mentioned, that while engaged on the Planet, I had, in order to fill up my leisure time, been in the habit of occasionally advertising as a private teacher of the classics, arithmetic, etc., to which adver tisements I had hitherto received no satisfactory re plies. It chanced, however, that a few days previous to my dismissal from the gallery, a letter dated Wai- worth was brought to me, wherein the writer stated that having seen A. B. s advertisement, and be ing in want of a tutor for his son, he would feel obliged if said A. B. would "step up," when, if terms and so forth were approved, the parties might " do business " together. The quaint, dry wording of this missive gave me no great hopes of success. However, it did not become me to be fastidious; so, flinging distrust to the winds, I made the best of my way ^to the place pointed out in the address. I 00 TO 6BB SFIHKB. CHAPTER I GO TO 8EE 8PINKS. The writer, Mr. Stephen Spinks, a cheesemonger, was at home when I called, busily engaged with somo customers behind the counter. On learning the pur port of my visit, he made no more ado, but came at once tc the point with me; while, at the same time, in order that business might not be neglected, he de spatched matters with his customers. "So, Mr. What- dye-call-um," he began, "you re the A. B., I s pose, as is to teach my Dick classics. Clever boy, Dick, sharp as a needle; has got Omer at his fingers ends; do your heart good to hear him;" then turning to his shop-lad, "I say, Jack, why don t you serve that ere gentleman ? he s been waiting these five minutes So, as I was saying, sir, Dick s as sharp as A pound of Stilton, ma am ? We never sells it by the pound; very sorry, ma am; very sorry indeed, but twouldn t pay And so Mr. What>d ye-call-um, you see my boy Dick Jack, I say, Jack, don t forget to send them two Cheshires up to Mrs. Jenkins, and, d ye hear, mind and take the bill along with em; she s one as requires looking arter. Excuse my bluntness, Mr. What-d ye-call-um, I m plain. Heyday, Mrs. Jackson, what, you here too ! Well, and how goes the world with you ? and how s your good man, and how s the little uns ? I m sorry to say my Polly s ill abed of the measles. Beg your pardon, Mr. ~, for keeping you waiting; but business must be minded, you know. 1 entreated him not to apologize, as my time was his, and then proceeded to seat myself leisurely in a remote corner of the shop, while the sly fox kept watching every movement of my hands, with the same keenness and pertinacity with which a tom-cat w&t^bes a mouse- 1 GO TO SEE SPINKS. 41 la a few minutes, having got rid of all his customers^ ae whipped off his apron, and led the way into a back room, whither I followed. There was no need of ceremony; we plunged, therefore, without a moment s delay, into the thick of the business. I proposed my terms; he proposed his; but there being, even on this preliminary point, a material pecuniary difference be tween us. Mr. Spinks, moreover, with the wary shrewdness of the tradesman, persisting in putting a variety of questions to me touching the vouchers I was prepaied to furnish him with, as to talent, respecta bility, and so forth, I at once broke off the negotiation, and stalked from his presence in the same sullen dig nity in which Ajax turned from Ulysses in the shades. I retraced my steps towards my lodgings, still in a state of mind far from enviable. Absorbed in the re flection that I was the helpless victim of bashfulness, I seated myself moodily on one of the buttresses of the bridge, casting ever and anon a glance on the \vater, much to the horror of an old lady who was taking the air on the opposite side, and no doubt mistook me fcr an interesting martyr to unrequited love, when sud denly I heard my name pronounced, and, looking up, saw a brother colleague on the Planet establishment, a smart, active fellow > who had always shown a dispo sition to cultivate my acquaintance. On the present occasion he was all sympathy ; and as we strolled up and down the bridge together, he said, " You are unlucky, O Blarney, but what think you of editing a Sunday newspaper ?" "lam willing to try my hand at it, provided the principles of the journal are such a I can conscien tiously advocate." " On, it you come to talk of conscience, I have done with you ! Your case is hopelessP - Donovan," said I, with solemnity, "would you de prive me of the only luxury I have left ? y " Yes, for the very reason that it is a luxury. Whefi a gentleman is in difficulties, what we the first 42 I GO TO SEE SPINKS. he retrenches ? Why, his luxuries, to be sure. Con science, forsooth ! A pretty wall you are building to knock your head against. How can you ever expect to get on with such a stumbling-block in your way ? Pray, get rid of it as soon as possible, or assign it over to your tailor or attorney; they stand more in need of it than you do." ff I am convinced; let me hear your proposals." " You must know, then, that, in conjunction with a pushing young book-seller, I have just purchased the copyright ot the Squib journal; but, as neither of us have sufficient leisure to do it justice, we are on the look-out for some one who will devote his chief time and attention to it. Under these circumstances I offer youthe editorship; but, as there is not a moment to be lost you must decide at once." " I agree to your proposals." " And you will throw overboard all romantic notions of you understand me f" "Nature will attimes prevail; but I will do my best to weed out the delicate infirmity." The bargain was accordingly struck, and within a fortnight from the period of my dismissal from the Planet establishment I was installed editor of a certain flashy, sport ing Sunday journal. This situation necessarily brought me into contact with many of the more puffing and mushroom class of hook-sellers, by whose means 1 was introduced to clivers small literary characters, artists, actors, etc., until at length, notwithstanding my diffidence, I began to feel that I was something more than a mere cipher in the republic of letters. The course of true love never did run smooth;" and the same remark applies with equal force to the course of a public journalist. One day, when I was seated at my desk reading a report of a grand Tory dinner given to Mr. Canning^at Liverpool, the office-boy knocked at my door, with information that two gentlemen were below who were desirous of speaking with the sditor I GO TO SEE SPINKS. 43 on business of importance, which admitted of no delr.y. Before I had time to consider what answer should be given to this pressing 1 application, the strangers entered sans ceremonie, and, walking straight up to my desk, the taller of the two, a perfect elephant of a man, drew the preceding Sunday s publication from his pocket, and, pointing with a smile to a particular paragraph, asked if I was the author of that brilliant squib. I am rarely thrown off my guard; but on this occa sion my vanity got the better of my discretion, and, contrary to all etiquette, I at once avowed the author ship, expressing, at the same time, my gratification that it had afforded them amusement. "So much amusement," said the taller of the two, "that my friend here and myself have come in person to offer our express acknowledgments." "Yes, sir," added his companion, "the paragraph in question is one that cannot be too promptly acknowl edged. It is a base, unwarrantable calumny on a lady with whom we have the honor to be acquainted." "Calumny!" said I; "believe me, gentlemen, you are wholly in error. The paragraph contains nothing of the sort; it is a mere harmless jeu cC esprit, penned hastily in a moment of overpowering sprightliness." "And do you presume to call this sprightliness?" interrupted the giant, slowly reading over the article, and laying a malignant emphasis on each word; "I tell you, sir, it is an infamous falsehood, such as no gentle man would have dared to circulate. However, I did not come here to talk, but to act;" and so saying, he drew forth a horsewhip from beneath his cloak, and half-strangling me with one hand, so as to render me utterly incapable of defence, laid it across my shoulders with the other. There is a natural dislike in man to have his nose pulled, and the same disinclination extends, I have generally observed, to a horsewhipping. It will not appear surprising, therefore, that, partaking of the common prejudice of humanity, I indignantly resisted 44 I GO TO SEE SPINKS. this encroachment on tho liberty of the subject. "Sir," said I, "this ruffian personality is not to be endured, and if there be law or " "Personality, my good sir!" said the fellow who had planted himself before the door, "we have no wish to be personal; our quarrel is with the public editor, not the private individual. I trust we have too nice a sense of propriety not to discriminate between the two char acters." This was adding- insult to injury, and being followed up by a brisk application of the other ruffian s boot to my rearward Adam as he let go his hold, after having nearly throttled me, wound me up to such a pitch of desperation, that, making- a sudden rush to the door, I knocked down the sophistical scoundrel who guarded it, and was off like lightning to Donovan s lodgings. There is nothing like passion to give wings to a man s speed; it would make a mercury of a Dutchman. Hardly had I lost sight of the office, when, behold! I was at Donovan s door. My appearance struck him with astonishment. My 15 ps quivered, my legs trem bled, my clothes exhibited samples of every crossing from Fleet street to the Strand. "So," said I, "a pretty condition you have reduced me to, Mr. Donovan! But you shall give me satisfaction, sir, instant satisfaction no ruffian shall horsewhip me with impunity." "Horsewhip? Nonsense you must be joking, surely." "Sir it is no joke to me, whatever it may be to you. I tell you I have been insulted, bullied, and horsewhip ped into the bargain, and all in consequence of that confounded paragraph about Lady A , and her re* sorted liaison with " DOJTOVAN f* CONSOLATION. 45 CHAPTER IX. DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. "Sir Bore Brocas. I remember it perfectly; and so> for this harmless squib, you have actually, you say, been horsewhipped? Upon my word, O Blarney, this is a monstrous lucky affair. It will give quite a lift to the paper. And then the damages! "Indeed!" said I, with a most bitter smile; "but you forget my shoulders, Mr. Donovan." "Don t mention it; tis a mere trifle, not worth think ing- about." "Trifle, sir!" "To besurs; what is a horsewhipping compared with the eclat it will give our paper? Tis a mere nothing when one s used to it. But," continued Donov;in, see ing, that so far from being- convinced, I began to man ifest increased passion. " Be resigned, O Blarney, after all, a horsewhipping is nothing more than & dispute taking a practical turn. Besides, assaults usually carry damages; ten to one it conjures a cool five hundred out of Sir Bore s pocket into yours. I look on this affair as quite a god-send, and I beg leave to offer you my sin- cerest congratulations. Of course, you ll prosecute. Consider, your honor, is at stake." "My honor, Mr. Donovan? Why, sir, my very seat of of honor is at stake! Would you believe it, the ruffian "You need not go on, I can guess what is to come; there are no half-measures in affairs of this sort; so the ruffian having done his business in a workman-like style, it is now your turn to do yours. Let me see. In the first place, you must enter an action of assault and battery against Sir Bore Brocas; secondly " 4(5 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. At this stage of the conversation, a lad entered the room with a most suspicious, lawyer-like note, which he said had been left for the proprietor and editor of the /Sf/m b journal. Donovan opened the note, but before he had perused three lines his countenance visibly lengthened. I watched the change, and, delighted with an oppor tunity of repaying banter with banter for I had been more annoyed by his irony than I chose to confess said, " Heyday ! what s the matter now? Is there a second horsewhipping in the wind V" " Don t talk so like a fool," replied Donovan sulkily; "this is no time for joking." " So I thought when you were favoring me just now with your facetious essay." " O Blarney, you re enough to drive one mad ! Here is a notice of action for a libel contained in our paper of Sunday fortnight. However, it s your business, not mine. It is monstrous that the innocent should suffer for the guilty." " Capital ! So you are to monopolize all the profits of the paper, and I the horsewhippiugs and libels !" "Why, are not you the editor ?" " And you the proprietor r" "Granted; but when I engaged you, it was far from my intention to stand godfather to your libels. Ko, no, sir, you must come forward and acknowledge your own paternity. I will have no order of affiliation made on me. How, in the name of common-sense, could yon be fool enough to meddle with the private character of a cabinet minister ?" "And how could you be fool enough to allow the paragraph to be inserted ?" "Well, well, this recrimination is childish; what s done cant be undone; therefore our mutual safety is what we must now look to. I despise that sort of chiv alrous spirit which would induce one man to go to jail for another; at the same time, mark me, I would not wish to do anything unjust or " DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 4? * Ahem ! I clearly understand you> sir." After some further conversation of this nature, which terminated, as might have been anticipated, in a quarrel for I could not but see that Donovan meditated throwing- all the onus of the libel on my already suf ficiently" afflicted shoulders I left him with the fixed but secret determination of resigning my editorial func tions, and never again venturing my person near the office. This resolution was no sooner formed than executed. I instantly removed from my old lodgings, kept my new place of abode a more than Eleusinian mystery, and never once, for a whole fortnight, ventured out, except like a bat or a burglar, by night. Meantime, the myrmidons of the law were not inac tive, and within a very brief period from my resigna tion of the editorship the morning papers made me ac quainted with the fact that Patrick Donovan, having been found guilty of a libel on a distinguished member of his Majesty s Government, was to be brought up the ensuing term for judgment. About the same time, through the influence of a re spectable news-aofent, who alone was in my confidence, the editorship of a country journal, entitled the Hum bug Flying Reporter, was offered me, for which town I forthwith took my departure, with the avowed inten tion of henceforth cutting all connection with a metrop olis where my industry and abilities had met with so unworthy a recompense. It was on a chilly, foggy April evening that I took my seat inside the Humbug Mercury. My prospects were gloomy, my spirits still more so. Gradually, however, this despondency wore away, and gave place to livelier sensations. A night s journey in a stage coach is an excellent recipe for the blues. A thousand little incidents are perpetually at work to call off the attention from self. There is the casual and often diver- tingly characteristic chit-chat; the whimsical settling- down of the more practiced insiders into a snug nook for a nap; the cheering sound of the guard s hern. 48 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. as the horses clatter along the stones of some provirv cial town; the snatch of supper at the appointed inn, with tho bright fireside and the blazing candles; then, again, the abrupt departure, with the "Good-night" of my landlord, and the" All right "of the regenerated coachman these, and divers other minutia?, though trifling enough, you will say, have at least a tendency to divert the mind, and so far re-assured me, that by the time I reached Humbug, I had wholly regained my serenity, notwithstanding, I had for fourteen hours been wedged fas\, between two elderly ladies, one of whom took Scotch snuff, and the other talked inces santly of her son Tom. Within a walking distance of the borough of Hum bug dwelt Miles Snodgrass, Esq., who was rich, conse quently respectable, and possessed of considerable local influence. As the artificer of his own fortune, Mr. Snodgrass held himself in no slight estimation. His father had for years been the town-clerk; but dying suddenly when Miles was yet a boy, left him heir to little but his virtues and his wardrobe. The lad, how- ever, being tractable, bustling, and gifted with what the experienced in such matters call " an eye to busi ness," was taken notice of by the parochial authorities who contrived to get him bound apprentice to an old friend of his father, a wealthy linen-draper of Humbug, in which capacity he rendered himself so generally useful, that at the expiration of his servitude his mas ter, finding he could not do without him, took the ycung man into partnership, and, in process of time, as ne himself waxed old and indolent, invested him with the entire superintendence of the concern. Years rolled on, and each successive one found Miles Snodgrass rising into gradual importance in the neigh borhood. By the death of his patron he became sole proprietor of the concern, which enabled him to enlarge the sphere of his ambition, and espouse the wealthy daughter of a retired butcher. But his good luck did not stop here. Some men are DONOVAN S CON8OLAHOK. 49 born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and Miles Snodgrass was one of these lucky few. A successful speculation in cottons rendered him, shortly after his carriage, so wholly independent of trade as to justify him in withdrawing his name from the concern, and be coming a " silent partner." It is from this period that his standing in society and his election as an alderman may be dated. At the ur gent intercession of his eldest daughter, who was now fast advancing to womanhood, he exchanged his snug private house in the main street for a spacious man sion. Suddenly he discovered that his family was of ancient extraction; and once, in a moment of enthu siasm was heard to talk of his ancestors. Not longafter my meeting the gentleman, I wc*s invit ed by him to his house to a party. I accepted the invita tion. The hall-clock was just on the stroke of six as I entered Mr. Snodgrass drawing~room,where I found all the family present, except the eldest and youngest sons, the former of whom was putting the finishing stroke to his education at Cambridge. His mother spoke in rap tures of this young man s precocity, in which she was joined by Miss Anna Maria Snodgrass, a spinster ad dicted to Sunday-schools and the patronage of all the rising geniuses of the district; and whose face, broad at the forehead and peaked at the chin, like a kite ar.d which, by the by, she rarely showed but in profile gave undeniable token that she was of an intellectual turn of mind. The youngest daughter, Isabel, was in every respect the reverse of her sister. The one was grave and predis posed to sanctity; the other, all smiles and ecstacy. The one was a blue, the other a torn-boy. The one seemed astonished at nothing; the other at every thing. The one was tall, lean, and straight from bead to foot like a bed-post; the other, short, fat, and remarkable for a fine expanse of foot, which, spreading out semi-circularly, like a lady s fan, at the toes, lent peculiar weight and safety to her tread. 50 DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. As fci Mrs. Snodgrass, she was a plump, buxom rei ic of the old school a cross between the mistress and the housekeeper. She dressed invariably in the brightest colors, wore pockets, and persisted in carrying about with her a huge bunch of keys. In temper, she was the perfection of homely, hearty good-humor, and was fond of seasoning her talk with parentheses, and indulging in allusions to her brother, a barrister in some practice at the Chancery-bar. During dinner, a more than ordinary taciturnity pre vailed. The alderman, in particular, who hekl all con versation during meals as an act of folly, if not pro- fanencss, said little or nothing* The very utmost li cense of speech he allowed himself, even on that sub ject which lay next his heart, tbe election, was a stray remark or two, thrown off between the courses. "Why, yes," he would say on such occasions, in reply to observations previously made by one or other cf the party, "your opinion cf Gilcbrist is very just. Maria Izzy, are those artichokes near yen ? And c. c for the corporation, O Blarney, 1 agree with you that v/ith a little dexterous management we may contrive to win them over. Mrs. S. that haunch looks so tempting that I really think I must venture again. Besides, Sly boots is almost the only man among them all whose principles may be said to be fixed. Maria, I ll thank you fora wing of one of those partridges; don t trouble yourself, O Blarney, Maria is a capital carver." I did trouble myself, however, and with my usual luck; for in attempting to anatomize the bird, I hap pened bashful men are always awkward to baptize Miss Snodgrass with the gravy, and despatched a leg over the way to her sister. This catastrophe elicited a loud laugh from the frolicsome girl, for which her mother thought fit to apologize. " "She is so full of life, Mr. O Blarney (Izzy, my dear, you ve got no veg etables; you know I dislike your eating meat without them) quite the chad of nature; indeed, her spirit* ire too much for her strength." DONOVAN S CONSOLATION. 51 "I was not laughing at Mr. O Blarney. mamma," replied Isabel, and was proceeding still further to vindi cate her innocence, when her father bluntly checked her by saying, "Hold your tongue, child, and attend to your business;" shortly after which, the cloth being withdrawn, he took off his spectacles, placed a dry crust beside him, which remained ove" from the cheese, and looked about him with the benignant air of one who has just fulfilled a sacred duty. There is nothing like a good dinner to bring out the humanities. "John," said Mrs. Snodgrass, as the footman was ar ranging the dessert, "you have forgotten to place a chair for Master Samuel." The mar* hastened to repair his omission, after which the bell was rung twice, and. almost instantly followed by the entrance of a mischievous-looking urchin, about six years old, with his hair combed straight over his forehead, and his face shining with soap and water. This imp had no sooner taken his seat than he bc gnn helping himself to everything within reach of his taJons. I was convinced by this that he was a spoiled child; soj, coaxing him towards me with the offer of an orange, I planted him on my knee, and, patting him on the head, said, "Well, my fine little fellow, and what s your name Y" "Samuel Charlton," replied the boy, as demurely as if he were answering the first question in the cate chism. "I have named him Charlton," observed his father with emphasis, "after a gentleman of that name, to whom I dedicated the printed copy of a speech I made during my mayoralty." "I see you re fond of children," said the gratified mother; "Sam takes to you quite naturally. Would you believe it, Mr. O Blarney ?" "O Blarney !" said the urchin, with a grin, "what a funny name !" "Sweet simplicity !" resumed the good lady; "would you believe it, sir Maria, do pray take that knife out ,52 SAM S PECULIARITIES. of Izzy s hands young as lie is, he has already ^rot the multiplication table by heart ! Sammy, dar, hold up your head, and tell the gentleman how much twice nine makes." "Tea 1" screamed the lad. CHAPTER X. SAM S PECULIARITIES. "Oh, fy ! guess again/ "Eleven T "No." "Twelve !" "No." " Eighteen ? "Right, Sam, 1 said his father; "that lad, 1m think ing Mr. O Blarney, will make a figure in the world/ I was just about to reply, when a sudden acute twinge caused me involuntarily to cry out, "Oh, mur der !" and, on directing my attention to the part af fected, I caught the promising Samuel busily engaged in driving his father s toothpick into my knee. "Dear me what s the matter ?" inquired Mrs. Snod- grass, with an air of much concern. "A mere trifle," I replied, striving hard to look good- natured; "the sprightly little fellow has been boring a hole in my knee-pan that s all; but children, boys especially, are so engaging at his age! It s quite impossible to be angry with them. I thought Isabel would have gone into fits at this explanation, which so tickled her brother, who even at that early age was impressed with a notion that he was a wag, that he played off a variety of other tricks, until at length, his pranks became so intolerable that his mother, in self-defence, was compelled to order him np-stairs to bed. But here ensued a scene that baffles all description. SAM S PECULIARITIES. 53 Notwithstanding his mother s coaxings, the brat refused to stir; and, while the nurse was preparing to carry him up-stairs, freed himself by a desperate affort from her grasp, clung to the green baize for pro tection, pulled it half off the table, and brought plates, glasses, and decanters to the ground. In an instant all was confusion. The alderman started up to save as much as he could from the wreck; but happening to make a false step was thrown for ward on Mrs. Snodgrass, who, upset by the shock of this novel impetus, plunged backward with a scream; while, to make matters worse, a tom-cat on which her husband had trodden, roused from a nap on the hearth rug, dug his claws into his calf; so that, with the yell- ings of the cat, the screaming of Mrs. Snodgrass, and the astonishment, mixed with laughter, of the rest of the group, the scene was one of the richest farce I ever remember. In about half an hour, tranquillity was restored, and the alderman, having appeased his wrath by a bumper of claret, said, " You ll excuse what I am going to say, Mr. O Blarney curse the cat, how she has scratched my leg! but the fact is sir, I always make a point of taking a nap after dinner; no matter who may be here, I never give up my nap; but help j^ourself, don t mind me. Mrs. S-. you ll take care of Mr. O Blarney;" and so saying, without further ceremony, the alderman threw himself back in his arm-chair, and in a few minutes was fast asleep. "Have you read Only a Woman s Heart the new novel?" asked Miss Snodgrass, as she beheld her father s chin give its first decided bob against his chest. "I cannot say I have; my time of late has been too much occupied for such reading." "That s just my case, Mr. O Blarney," observed Mrs. Snodgrass. Mamma, how can you say so? you know it is not a month since you finished the tale !" " Oh! true, love, I remember, I read it at the recom- 54 SAM S PECULIARITIES. mendation of my brother; and, if I recollect rightly Izzy, don t sit with your legs crossed there was something in it about a grand dinner, which reminded me, as I mentioned to you at the time, of your father s mayor s feast." "So Lord George Gilchrist has really arrived in the neighborhood?" interrupted Miss Snodgrass testily. "Yes," I replied; "are you acquainted with him:" "Not at all. I have seen him once or twice; he is quite a young man, apparently not more than thirty." "Do you call that young, Maria?" inquired Isabel; "I call it being quite old." "Old!" said Miss Snodgrass; "you don t know what you are talking about, child." " His lordship must have felt it a great sacrifice to quit town at this gay season," I observed; "and for such a troublesome business as an election, too. Of course, you know what a London spring is, Miss Snod grass?" " I am ashamed to say I never was in London but on one occasion, and then for a very short time. For the last five years, papa has talked regularly ot indulging us with a trip there; but one thing or other always interferes to prevent it. In the first place, ue hates being put out of his way; then mamma has her objections " "I have objections, certainly, Maria. To say noth ing of the trouble of packing up, and the chance of damp sheets in one s lodgings, the expense of a season in London is, I am told, beyond what could be con ceived." " Expense, my dear madam!" I replied, in no little alarm; " surely you must be under a misapprehension!" I then proceeded to expatiate on the advantages of an occasional residence in the metropolis; to Miss Snod grass I talked of the agreeable tone of its literary society; while I whetted her sister s curiosity by dwell ing on its various public exhibitions, balls, theaters, dances, and so forth. SAM S PECULIARITIES. 55 The bait took as I desired. "O mamma!" said Isabel, jumping up, and clapping her hands in ecstacy, "how delightful! Do, pray, let us leave this horrid dull place, I shall never be happy till I go to London. Oh, I do so want to see all the sights! And the danc ing, too! I m so fond of dancing, you can t think! When shall we go, ma?" Before her mother could reply, the alderman woke up from his nap, which was the signal for the ladies retiring into the drawing-room. When the door had closed on them, he said, putting on a look of official dignity,"! never talk of business before women; but now they are gone, we can discuss matters at our ease." He then inquired minutely into all the partic ulars of my reception by an election committee, which he had sent me to interview; complimented me on my address to the electors, and vowed that, if he expended his last cent, he would let people see he was not quite the fool they took him for. "Of course, I was all admiration of such conduct " But," I added, in my most persuasive manner, " Mr. Snodgrass, must be aware that in contests of tins nature ready money is the main desideratum , if, therefore, you will place at my disposal certain sums which are requisite for the service of the committee, who have done me the honor to place themselves under my guid ance, I will stake all my Irish estates on the chances of your success?" This direct allusion to money-matters put the old felloAv on his mettle. In an instant he was all caution. "Ahem! we ll talk of this to-morrow. Help yourself." "But, my dear sir, consider that in these cases promptitude is the life and soul of business." " True, very true, but still "I know what you would say; but remember sir, the old adage, Nothing venture, nothing gain. An elec tion I will not deny the fact is like everything else, a lottery; but, in this particular instance, it is a lottery iii which a prize is all but certain. And what a prize! 56 SAM S PECULIARITIES. To you, sir, whose eloquence is so well known, it must be beyond all price. I .almost fancy I see you rising, for the first time, in the House. Republicans are in de spair the Democrats in ecstacies; while the news papers next morning, in noticing your triumphant debut, says, Loud cheers followed the conclusion of the speech. " " Enough, enough," said the alderman, in that pecu liar manner which betrays marked satisfaction, while it would fain affect indifference; " nothing, as you say, is to be done without ready money," and he acceded to my demand; but then, as if glad to get rid of an un gracious topic, he rose from his seat, and led the way to the drawing-room. During tea-time I took my station beside Miss Snod- grass, who had a thousand gossiping nothings to say about Lord George and the election, while her father occupied himself by poring over the contents of the newspaper. When the equipage was cleared away, my fair neigh bor went into the drawing-room, and returned almost immediately after with a splendidly bound album, ^Jiich she placed in my hands, adding, " I am sure you are fond of elegant literature by your conversa tion, though perhaps you are too modest to gay so." it is astonishing what keen insight women have into character "remember, therefore, that I shall depend on you for a contribution; nay, no excuse, you are com promised." "Compromised!" said her father, throwing aside his paper, " Who says I am compromised?" then, instantly recovering himself, he added, in a gayer tone, "Pooh! pooh! my brain is always running upon politics." " The choice of subject," continued Miss Snodgrass, taking no notice of this interruption, " I leave to your self, though I had rather it should be something in verse, for of all things, poetry is " " A pack of rubbish," said the alderman; " if I had my will, I d clap every poet in the stocks; I never had dealings with any but one, and he " ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 57 ** I know of whom you are thinking, papa poor young Atkinson, your clerk, whom you dismissed last year for setting fire to his bed-curtains. But you should make allowances for the eccentricities of genius." " Genius, fcrsooth! why the fellow could not cast up a sum in addition But enough of him. O Blarney, do you play whist?" No." " Sorry for that; for Mrs. S. and myself love a quiet rubber, now and then. Backgammon ?" No." " Well, then, suppose you sing us a song or two, Maria. Mr. O Blarney, I dare say, is fond of music." To be sure I was: indeed it was quite a passion with me a confession which raised me still higher in the good graces of the young lady. But let no man vaunt his love of music. It is a dangerous boast, and never fails to carry its own pun ishment along with it. Miss Snodgrass chirped one, two, three Italian airs; then came a duet with Isabel; then a French canzonet; and lastly, the well known "In the Gloaming" sung with a twist of the mouth peculiarly provocative of passion. But, as all matters must have an end, a termination was at length put even to Miss Snodgrass musical dis play; and at a late hour I quitted the house; but not before the alderman had insisted on my making his house my home, whenerer I found it convenient. CHAPTER XI. ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. To the consternation of the alderman, the election terminated in favor of his opponent by a meagre ma jority of twelvel This result was chiefly owing to 58 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. their maneuvers. "With admirable tact they kept their opinions to themselves till the proper season came for putting them forth, looked on the apostacy of one of their fraternity as a sort of reflection on the whole body. Even Alderman Slyboots "unkindest cut of all!" was found among the number of Mr. Snodgrass opponents. This defeat was a grievous blow to my interests. It at once demolished all the fine castles which, for weeks past, I had been erecting in the air; for, by the aid of the alderman s influence, I had hoped, not only to establish myself among the elite of Humbug, but per- adventure even to become nearly connecter! with his family, But if my disappointment was great, far greater was the alderman s. On him the disastrous tidings burst like a thunder-clap. The spell of my influence was now broken; and just in proportion as 1 had risen, so did I fall in the alder man s estimation. For one whole week he confined himself to retirement admitting no one to his presence but an attorney, whom he engaged to prosecute minute inquiries into the way in which I had disposed of cer tain electioneering sums intrusted to my superintend ence; his suspicions being roused by the election hav ing been lost by the very same number of votes which he had supplied me with funds to purchase! The result of these inquiries was, I soon found out, unsatisfactory; for when I ventured, a few days after the election, to send in my card, I was informed that my presence was no longer desirable. A man of more brass than I can possibly pretend to, would have insisted at once on being confronted with the alderman and his attorney; but my disastrous diffi dence in this, as in every other instance, got the better of me. I imagined, too, that by remaining quiet for a time, the storm would blow over, and Mr. Snodgrass be brought to regard my conduct with a more unprejudiced eye, especially as I had every reason to believe I should find a warm advocate in his eldest daughter; so lallowed ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 5& the golden moment to escape, and the sand in the hour-glass to run out, till it became almost too late to retrieve myself. At length, as I was turning an angle of the road that led sharp round to the gates, I suddenly encountered Mrs. Snodgrass on her way on foot to Humbug. The good lady recognized me in an instant. Well," she exclaimed, "I always said everything would be cleared up; though, to tell you the truth, Mr% O Blarney, the alderman has been in a sad way about you. Some one has put it into his head that you ve been making a cat s-paw of him, though, as I told him at the time, My clear Mr. S., said I, what matters it what people say? they will talk, you know; so let em, and when they re tired they ll hold their tongues. Those were the very words I used, Mr. O Blarney; for I knew you must have a good heart by your taking so much notice of Sam." "Ah, my Mttle playfellow Sammy!" said I, with affec tionate vivacity, "how is the dear little fellow:* It may be a weakness, Mrs. Snodgrass, but I never see children without feeling my heart warm towards them, as if they were my own. And your fair daughters are they, too, in good health?" The old lady shook her head. "Tory odd, Mr. O Elar ney, but Maria takes the loss of the election mere to heart than even Mr. S.I I can t conceive what s come to the girl. She says nothing except that she is re signed to the visitation, and that if it be the will of God she must submit. Sad business! She s not half the girl she was." "I m glad to sec that you, at least, bear up against these afflictions, Mrs< Snodgrass." "Who, I? Oh, I ve lots of trouble too,only I haven t time to be down-hearted. Who would look after the servants, if I were to lay up? But I must not stay gossiping; so good-bye, Mr. O Blarney. I wish you success with Mr. S. ; but, pray, don t take him up too short, if he should be a little hot at first. 60 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. Far different was my interview with the alderman Six men on whose faces tribulation was written at full- length, and in the clearest type, were just quitting the house as I reached the hall-door a circumstance which convinced me that I should have need of all my temper and address. Xo sooner had I announced my name than I heard the alderman s surly voice in the passage, desiring the footman to "send in that fellow." On entering the study, Mr. Snodgrass, who was seated at the table, neither looked up nor rose to meet me, but kept his eyes riveted on the table. His personal appearance was by no means improved by his late dis appointment. His face was yellow asa crocus: a beard of at least two days growth threw his chin into what artists would call a fine shadow; and he perpetually shifted his position, like a man in a high state of nerv ous excitement. I could not but feel for his situation, and was just beginning to express my regret at finding him so much of an invalid, when he interrupted me fiercely with, "Aye, you may well condole with me; none but an egregious blockhead would have listened for an instant to such an adventurer!" I made allowance tor his outburst, and calmly replied, "Mr. Snodgrass, you do me injustice. I am no advent urer, sir, but a man who, on principle, and this only, sought to interest you in behalf of the party. I was prepared for a more difficult task than I encountered. The alderman here started from his seat, then, recol lecting himself, he said "What is this matter that ycu say you have to explain? Tell it at once, and be off." "Language like this, Mr. gnodgrass, scarcely deserves a reply. However, to show you that I am not vindic tive, and can make every allowance for your situa tion" "My situation? what do you mean by that, sir? Think of your own. Yet what, after all, is yours compared with mine! I have lost everything. For the money I care nothing it is gone, and there s an end of it; but ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. 61 where is my standing? where is my influence? where is my character for consistency?" "Have courage, sir, and all will yet be well." The alderman continued, " To be bamboozled, para graphed, and held up to ridicule by both parties; a man of my years and station to be treated in this manner, and all through the trickery of an obscure adventurer - tis not to be Ah, what, you re there still, sir? 1 1 ughing, no doubt, in your sleeve, at my egregious folly." "Folly, Mr. Snodgrass!" "Well, wisdom then, if you like it better, for wise indeed I have shown myself to be your dupe! You knew from the first I had no chance. But what did that mat ter so long as you could feather your own nest? But proceed with your story, sir." "It is very plain and simple. In one word, Mr. Snod grass, for I perceive you are not in a tit state calmly to consider the details of my proposition, I have every reason to believe that George s election has been car ried solely by means of bribery and corruption; and that, if you think fit to petition against his return, there can be no doubt that the House will decide in your favor. To be sure, we are far from immaculate cur- selves; but fortunately our maneuvers h ve been man aged with skill and secrecy, whereas Grecrgc s party have been openly boasting of theirs." "Well, sir, and what then?" "Merely this that it remains with yoorself to decide. Your chance is, I am persuaded, better tl.ar. ever. "Indeed!" said the alderman, drawling ou the word, as if he were half-asleep; "and pray, sir, tor your valu able assistance in this matter, what further sums may be necessary? Will another hundred pounds satisfy you?" "I understand your sneer, and, as an honest man, meet it with the contempt it deserves." "What! and have you the impudence to call yourself an honest man? 62 ELECTION UNCERTAINTIES. This stung me to the ^uick; "Oh, Mr. Snodgrass, Mr. Snodgrass," said "i, "it grieves me to the soul to see such powers of sarcasm and eloquence as you pos sess thrown away on an obscure individual like myself. Reserve it 1 beseech you, These words wrought quite a talismanic effect on the alderman. "Quit the room, sir !" said he; I, in the mildest possible terms continued, " With respect to this election, Mr. Snodgrass, there is yet one way left by which I think you may manage to dismcuuiber yourself of the pecuniary obligations attending it." In an instant the old man was all attention, and said, "Free myself from these election debts, did you say ? Where when how t my excellent young friend. I am hasty, it is true, but always open to con viction." "Oh, my plan is scarcely worth mentioning; it merely regards pecuniary matters, which, as you ob- Sv-rvcd just now, weigh nothing in your estimation compared with the loss of your character for consist ency." " True, I did say so, nevertheless " " You are anxious to hear it. Be it so, though I am by no means sanguine, that a person of your distinction will adopt it. However, such as it is, it is at your serv ice. You may have heard, sir, in the course of your long commercial experience " said I, pausing be tween each word, " of " Yes, yes, very good, go on." "Of an act entitled the Insolvent Debtor s Act. It is one of singular "Knave! swindler! rascal! Is it thus you add insult to injury:" " You complain of your debts. I propose to you a remedy. Am I to be blamed for this ?" "Quit the room instantly, sir ! I disgrace myself by holding conversation with you." WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 63 CHAPTER XII. WHERE THE MONEY WENT There is no need of bluster, Mr. Snodgrass," said I, "I quit your house far more readily than I entered it, fully convinced that when you have regained your senses, you will do me that justice which your blind passion just now withholds " "By Jove! I ll Just at this instant a gaunt, sulky man forced his way into the room, and, after stammering out one or two awkward words of condolence, approached Mr. Snodgrass, and thrusting forward something that bore the semblance of a bill, was just commencing with, "Touching this little account," when the alderman snatched the paper from the dun s talon s, and, throw ing it at me exclaimed, " This, fellow, is your affair, not mine. You have had the money, and must and shall be responsible." - Responsible ! And for your debts too ! No, no, Mr. Snodgrass, I have no objection to be just, but I really cannot afford to be generous." " Wretch ! this impudence surpasses belief ! What, have you not had my cheques for those twelve voters, to not one of whom you ever paid a penny ? Nay, more, sir, have you not, throughout the whole business, been bent on my own ruin ? Yes, sir, my ruin, I say." " What s that to the purpose, you " Aye, what indeed ?" interrupted the man, who, began to tremble for his account. "I shall look to you for payment, Mr. Snodgrass. I know nothink of this here gemman. These are hard times, Mr. S., and I mean no offence, but justice is justice, and law s law, sir; and so, sir," putting on his hat with a vehement thump on the crown, "I wish you good-morning, sir. 64 WHERE THE JVIOXETf WENT. "And I shall follow this worthy man s example. Possibly, Mr. Snodgrass, you and I may never meet again; I avail myself, therefore, of this opportunity to declare that, despite your conduct towards me, I pity and forgive you;" and I stalked from the apartment. 1 was not in the slightest degree surprised at the al derman s indignation; though I had no idea he would carry it to the extreme length of holding me publicly forth as an adventurer and a swindler. True, certain sums intrusted by him to me for distribution did not exactly reach their destination; but surely this did not justify the atrocious paragraphs that now daily appeared against me ! The truth is, that in the hurry and bustle necessarily attendant on a contested election, the money had been overlooked; but I put it to any man of feeling anddelicacy, whether, under the peculiar circumstances of the case, such an act of forgetfulness was not per fectly natural; or, if an error, whether it were not one of omission rather than of commission. But I have a better plea to urge than that of mere omission. As principal agent for Mr. Snodgrass, it was of course necessary that I should make a parade of superior respectability in fact, keep all but open house. Now, this could not be done on the wee kly pittance I received from the Flying Reporter, and I was compelled in consequence to appropriate a portion of the sums received from the alderman; and pray, to what more fitting or laudable purpose could I devote his money than to secure the interests of his election ? For nwself, individually, I neither asked nor received one farthing for my labors; they were undertaken solely with reference to the public good; arid the reward I met with for such heroic disinterestedness was, first, to be denounced as a swindler; secondly, to be dismissed from my editorial functions ! In this predicament, with a name tainted throughout Humbug, and but one paltry hundred dollars left, I felt I had no alternative but to appeal once more to the sense and justice of Mr. Snodgrass. Accordingly, after WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 65 much deliberation and blotting of paper, I despatched a pathetic letter to him, to which no reply being vouch safed, I allowed a week to elapse, and then sat down and penned a second. This missive, strange to say, shared the fate of the former; on which I despatched a third, wherein I specially requested that Mr. Snodgrass would "do me the favor to consider himself horsewhipped;" and, not satisfied with this revenge, wrote and printed for general distribution a most combustible pamphlet, in which I attacked the public and private character of the alderman; branded him as an apostate, a liar, a coward; and, in short, laid about me with such zeal, that Mr. Snodgrass, stung to the quick, commissior.ad his attorney to enter an action against me for libel. This was the very thing I most desired, for it not only afforded me an opportunity of publicly vindicat ing my character; but also of mixing up my case with the great question of the liberty of the press. But, let no man trust to his innocence for acquittal by a jury. Law is a game of hazard, where luck decides everything. Within a fortnight from the publication of my pamphlet, among the trials which engrossed public attention was that of "Snodgrass vs- O Blarney," in which, after the plaintiff s counsel had inveighed elaborately against the licentiousness of the press, and the defendants had insisted, with equal pertinacity, on its perfect freedom both, in the fer vor of their eloquence, losing sight of the main features of the case the jury brought in a verdict of guilty; and I was sentenced to six months imprison ment, and a fine, which I had no earthly chance of ever being able to liquidate. What a change had the last few days wrought in my condition ! But one short month before, I was in no incon siderable repute in Humbug; I was now the proscribed inmate of a county jail. My position was indeed a hope less one, and the mean, dark, cheerless apartment I in habited was by no means, calculated to raise my spirits. 66 WHERE THE MONEY WENT. Mr. Graves, the jailor, who, affected by my prompt munificence for I had slipped a five dollar bill into his hand only the day preceding came to propose tome "a turn" in the courtyard, to which I readily assented. I found it filled with prisoners, who were pacing up and down in groups of twos and threes. While he was pointing out to my notice some of the more notorious among them, which he did with an emphasis amounting almost to reverence, we were joined by a grave, stout, formal personage, with an enormous bullet-head, firmly fixed (with little or no intervention of neck) between two massive shoulders. This stranger, whom I soon discovered to be a piquant mixture of the scamp and the pedant, making me a profound obeisance; while at the same time he eyed me from head to foot with an air of scientific dis crimination, expressed his regret at my presence in a place so ill-calculated to improve my moral or physical condition. "But, sir," he added with amazing pomp of manner, "you have the consolation of knowing no matter what be the cause that brought you here that you are, like myself, the victim of destiny. Vice and virtue, sir, are mere matters of impulse, I have come to the conclusion that, do what we will, neither the best nor worst of us can control our actions, that the sum and substance of all human wisdom may be com prised in this one sentence what will be, will be." "A very sagacious conclusion, Mr. I beg your pardon, but may I ask whom I have the honor of addressing?" I inquired. "Stubbs, sir, Justinian Stubbs, late professor of lan guages at the Humbug Charity School a gentleman and, I trust I may add, a scholar, who, by one of those sudden vicissitudes to which the best of us are liable, has been but just subjected to persecution. "Indeed!" "May I inquire the cause of such an accident?" "O 1 certainly, sir; I need have no reserves with one of your respectability. It was my fate some months WHERE THE MONEY WENT. 67 since to be detected in certain verbal inaccuracies touching- the amount of a few corporation subscriptions for the Humbug Charity School, and to be publicly exhibited, in conseqence, to the gaze of the most un polished rabble I think I ever saw." "They certainly did let fly uncommon sharp," inter posed the jailor; "the cabbage-stumps flew like any thing." "Vulgar beast!" whispered the fatalist. "You could scarcely have expected otherwise Mr. Stubbs," I replied. "Sir, your position is unanswerable. After the most impartial consideration I fan give to the subject, I fin I it impossible to reconcile myself to the idea that it is either an elegant or creditable exhibition. Still, like everyting else, it has its redeeming points." "Mow so?" "Why, sir, you must at least allow that it teaches the oppressed a lesson of forbearance; to endure adver sity with becoming resignation." "Sweet are the uses of adversity," I observed, "You are right, sir. It is the very Paradise of such sweets." "You seem to entertain a very soothing recollection of them." "And why not? Conscious that I was the victim of destiny, I bade defiance to the storm around me. I yet had not my ears cropped, like that illustrious sage Defoe." " Why, no," said I, "it is plain they are as long as sver." "You re a wag, sir, I conjecture and I partake your mirth. By the way, could you oblige me with a quarter?" The abruptness of this request, following high-flown sentiments, astounded me. However, I acceded to the petition, he instantly left me, with a low bow and a profusion ot apologies. 68 I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. CHAPTER I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. "\Yhcn we met again next day in the courtyard, OUT Conversation turned on "my late experiment on Alder man Snodgrass. My resolution to abide the result of the trial astonished him. "Doubtless," said he, "it was a heroic determination, but utterly lost, as you now find to your cost, on an unreflecting age like the pres ent. You should have quitted Humbug, sir, the instant your degenerate patron had lost his election." "1 confess my weakness, Mr. Stubbs; but society, you know "Society ! " interrupted he ; "talk not to me of society. It is diseased to the heart s core. Look at me, sir; I am an instance in point. Why am I here?" "Because you can t get out, I suppose." "lain here, because accident was, in my case, miscon strued into design. Hence a year s imprisonment! ButI have one consolation it could not have been otherwise." \Ve were here interrupted by a red-faced young fellow, who, taking a cigar from his mouth, and address ing me with an air of affected courtesy, exclaimed, "Proud to have the honor of your acquaintance, sir; I presume, like the rest of us, you are the sport of Fortune. Singular, how the blind goddess always per secutes the diligent and the deserving! "But I see an old acquaintance yonder; I must go and join him," said Stubbs, and away he went. No sooner had he quitted us than Wilde said, "There goes one of the biggest rogues in all England, who, while he grasps you cordially with one hand, will pick your pocket with the other. He sounded the depths of mine within en minutes of our first acquaintance, while I was listening to a long story about Helvetius." I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. 69 "I have heard twice of that author already," said I. "Then, sir, you have paid dearly for your knowl edge. Stubbs is no advocate for gratuitous instruc tion." "No," I replied, after a diligent examination of my pockets, "fortunately all s right. .Nevertheless, I thank you for your caution." " I am not unreasonable enough," continued Wilde, "to condemn our friend for wishing to keep his hand in practice such a wish is creditable to his ambition as an artist. For, after all, sir, what difference is there between the thief and the conqueror? I protest I can see none. But perhaps I am partial." "The main difference lies in, that society adjusts a rope to the neck of the thief. I trust, Mr. Wilde, you are in no danger of the latter distinction?" "God forbid! I am, indeed, condemned to undergo excuse my speaking professionally the last penalties of the law for an awkward sort of night blunder, made on the premises of Alderman Squarestern, last spring, (one is apt to make mistakes in the dark, you know); but, luckily, on my trial a doubtful point arose, which induced the judge to grant me a respite till he had consulted the whole twelve. "And can you feel at ease while in such a state of suspense?" -"Suspense ! Nonsense ! My attorney says "Mr. Wilde, Mr. Wilde," said I, in a solemn but affectionate tone, "the less you have to do with attor neys the better. Rely on it, sir, they are not safe or creditable associates for gentlemen of your character. But, I beg pardon for interrupting you, what about your attorney?" "Why, he assures me that the point in question is all but decided in my favor already. "My dear sir, I am transported to hear it." "No, personalities, I beg. I hate that word trans ported; tis a villanous phrase, and should never be uspd among decent folks. Another man, now, woulU 70 I CONFESS MY "WEAKNESS. be offended by such an expression; "hut I am a citizen ,f the world, and take things coolly." At present, however, I see Graves yonder preparing to lock up. Wilde was in the habit of conversing with me in this flippant style whenever we happened to encounter each other in the courtyard. As I became better acquainted with him, I found that he was a wit, and without one atom of real moral or physical fortitude. He boasted of his past achievements just as if they were not to be deeply regretted. Meanwhile the time drew on "when "Wilde s destiny was to be decided. I could detect a very visible altera tion in his feelings. He began to shrink from the so ciety of his former crony, who exhorted him to prepare himself for the worst; and he clung more tenaciously tome, with whom he held repeated discussions on the subject of his chances of acquittal; and, though both oi us came to the same conclusion I, from good-nature, and he, from sheer incapacity to brave the worst still it was impossible not to see, from his strange, fitful al ternations of mirth and melancholy, that an uneasy something was perpetually hanging about him. One night, by permission of the jailor, and at Wilde s earnest intercession, I accompanied him to his cell. He Wits in rather more equable spirits than usual, abound ing in anecdotes of his past life, and speculations as to his future course of conduct. He was tired, he said, of his old habits, and had serious thoughts, if only for the novelty of the thing, of turning over a new leaf. I ap proved highly of this project, and was dwelling on its advantages, when suddenly, "Hark !" exclaimed the poor fellow, turning on the instant as white as a corpse, "I hear a foot-step." "Nonsense," I replied, " tis mere fancy; or, perhaps, they re locking up for the night." But the quick instinct of fear was correct; for, while I was yet speaking, we heard a heavy, measured tread, accompanied by the clanking of keys, proceeding I CONFESS MY WEAKNESS. 7] the passage. An instant, and the step was at the door. "It is the jailor," said Wilde, fetching a breath from the very bottom of his heart ; and as he spoke the door opened, and in walked that important official with a written paper in his hand. I looked anxiously into his face, and saw at once that there was no hope. Wilde, too, caught the glance, but instantly closed his eyes, and waved off ^the man with an impetuous movement of his hand. "Jonathan Wilde," commenced the jailor, clearing his throat with a few solemn hems, "it is my painful duty" "Xot a word I will not hear a word. It is false, and you know it. Come, come, Mr. Graves, confess now you are joking;" and the poor wretch clutched the jailor by his arm like a madman. But the man only shook his head. "It is it must be false. Oh, Mr. Graves ! my best, my only friend, as you hope for mercy hereafter as you would not have the curse of a dying man on your " Then abruptly breaking off as the word "dying" struck on his half-bewildered brain "Dying, indeed ! Faith, this is excellent. Hah! hah! hah! Who s afraid!" and he broke out into a fierce laugh, while the blood, surging upward to his forehead, gorged the veins there till I thought they would burst. "Mr. Wilde," resumed the jailor, "my duty, however painful, must bo performed. Prepare yourself for the worst you have but two days to live." A moment s pause succeeded this awful intimation- At length, "O Blarney," said Wilde, in a whisper, such as a curse is breathed in, "take my hat off quick quick it binds my temples." "Hat, man ! sure, you re dreaming. You ve got no hat on." But he heard me not. Sense and feeling were alike crushed out, and, dashing his doubled fists against his forehead, he dropped, as if shot through the heart. 72 RELEASE FROM BONDAGE. CHAPTER XIV. RELEASE FROM BONDAGE. A few days after this sad occurrence, as, full of seri ous and painful thoughts, I was gazing on the stump of the old tree where I had last seen Wilde seated, I was joined by Mr. Justinian Stubbs, who, observing my melancholy, said, "Doubtless, sir, you are thinking of the poor young man who made such a disastrous exit the other morning. It was a sad business, certainly; but is so far satisfactory, inasmuch as it confirms the great philosophic axiom, that what will be, will be. Our de funct friend, sir, was born to be hanged. Often and often, did the humble individual who has the honor to address you, delicately hint to him this ungracious truth; but the young man, with a thousand estimable, and some few brilliant qualities, was strangely regard less of all that militated against his own view of a question. However, I do not blame, I only pity him. It was a shocking case. Do you take snuff :" "You would indeed have pitied him, had you wit nessed his death." "I believe you, sir; death is at all times an awkward matter. But enough of this for the present; Graves is beckoning us;" and, putting his arm through mine, we strolled back to our respective cells. In the course of the evening, while I was still sadly pondering on Wilde s melancholy end, my meditations were put an end to by a tremendous uproar, and the shouts of many hundred voices outside the prison- gates. A few minutes after the jailor rushed into my apartment, breathless with astonishment and conster nation. "Hey-day, Mr. Graves !" said I, "what s the matter ucw ? You seem completely at your wit s end-" RELEASE :FROM BONDAGE. 73 "Matte? .1 Why, there s a mob outside, who have broken every window in town, and set Ere to the mayor s house. They hav<3 now come up here in a body of eight hundred or a thousand strong; and swear, if we don t set all the prisoner s free, they ll burn the jail down. I m blessed if I know which way to turn." "Have you not sufficient force within to beat them off f I inquired, and my heart leaped with delight at the probability of my liberation. "Force ! bless your heart, what can force ilo against a hark! there they go again. They re at it now in right earnest." Knowing well the innate ferocity of all mobs, I prof fered Mr. Graves the most disinterested advice in my power, by exhorting him at once to throw open he prison-gates; "Otherwise," said I, "you may rely on it your life will be in jeopardy, and it will be but a poor consolation to you when dangling from the prison- wall to know that you have done your duty. Our first duty is to our own necks; our second, to our country." But the man was deaf to my exhortations. "Bless your soul," he argued, "if I were to do as you O Lord ! O Lord ! what shall I do? Hark, how they re banging away at the gates !" "Break open the doors set fire to the jail," thun dered a thousand hoarse voices outside the prison- walls. These shouts were followed up by a terrific attack on the gates. Hammers, brickbats, bludgeons, and huge beams of wood were all at once pressed into the service of the mob, who cheered each other s progress in the work of destruction, which were as loudly replied to by the prisoners. In little more than half-an-hour from the commence ment of the assault, the efforts of the rioters were crowned with success. The huge brazen gates groaned s yawned, and finally gave way beneath the rush of an infuriated rabble, who poured like a cataract into the jail, bearing down all before them. 74 RELEASE FROM BON DAG F- My apartment, being nearest the gates, was the first they entered. The jailor made no opposition indeed, from the first, he had stood stnpified, like one bereft of all his faculties; but holding forth the keys, mechanic ally as it were, thrust them into the hands of the fore most rioter, who acknowledged the receipt by a blow ivhich compelled poor Graves to salute his mother earth. To rush out with the keys, unlock all the cells, and then set fire to the jail, were the acts of almost one and the same moment. I profited by the confusion, and, forcing my way over heaps of drunken rioters who lay sprawling in all directions, gained at length the ex terior of the prison. Here the first person that met my eyes was the sage Justinian. I hurried forward with Justinian towards the market place. On our way thither, at the bend of a dingy, narrow lane, we saw beneath the dim glimmer of a lamp at the door of a small house, a forlorn, solitary female figure, sitting with her head buried in her hands. I cannot, unmoved, pass a woman in affliction. I halted, accordingly, and, addressing a few kind words to tho poor creature, inquired whether I could render her any service; but she made me no other reply than a low moan; when one of the neighbors came up, and in an swer to my questions informed me that the mourner was a widow, whose husband had been killed in the forenoon at the riots, and that from the moment his corpse had been brought into her house, she had per sisted, despite the entreaties of her neighbors, in sitting where we now saw her, like one bereft of reason. This explanation shot a sudden pang to my heart, for it brought to my mind my own wife whom I had almost forgotten. Just as I had passed the corner of the market-place, I saw a carriage, the dashing panels of which I at once recognized, and farther on, at a distance of about a hundred yards, the plump figure of Alderman Snod- grass, who had but just reached Humbug, and was busy THE TABLES TURNED. 75 receiving 1 information from, and giving directions to some three or four tradesmen. He was as full of bustle as ever, talking at the very top of his voice, and turn ing every now and then a wrathful glance in the direc tion of the prison. Though aware of the hazard of accosting my perse cutor, I could not resist the temptation. I^stepped for ward, and, making him the pro foundest of bows, ad dressed him: "I am most happy, Mr. Snodgrass, in this opportunity of again meeting with a gentleman whose generosity of spirit has, no doubt, taught him by this time, to dome justice. I hope, sir, all the members of your excellent family are well; and that the fair Miss Maria it is my intention to pay my respects to th<s young lady to-morrow, when I trust that my modesty may not again prove a bar to my good fortune. You look well, Mr. Snodgrass, whence I conclude that the little unpleasantnesses are already forgotten " CHAPTER XV. THE TABLES TURNED. During all this time, the alderman had stood like one bewildered; but no sooner had I mentioned the word "unpleasantness," than the blood rushed to his face, and he gave vent to his astonishment and wrath in such broken sentences as, "Well, I never! Gracious heavens, is it possible ! Prodigious impudence ! But you shall not escape me this time;" and, seizing me by the collar, he endeavored to drag me back, when I freed myseH from his grasp; while Justinian, who was but a few dozen yards in advance, attracted by the scuffle, turned back to offer me his aid. His presence did not in the slightest degree daunt Mr. Snodgrass, who swore he would not rest satisfied till he had again seen me consigned over to justice, 76 THE TABLES TURNED. hurling, in his passion, epithets, such as " rogue, swindler, vagabond," in my teeth; whereupon, seeing a raw-looking constable a few yards ahead, I requested Justinian to prevent the alderman s escape, and, running up to the man, said, " Are you a stranger to Humbug: 1 " " Yes, I I was only sworn in this morning." " Well, then, follow me; I want you to take charge of a suspicious character." " This gentleman and myself have proof that he is one of the incendiaries who set fire to the jail." The constable instantly laid fast hold of Mr. Snod- frass, who roared out, " Hold off, villain ! Do you now who I am ?" "Yes; you are one of the incendiaries." "Rascal, I am Alderman Snodgrass." "A loikely story !" said the constable, leering at me with a knowing wink. "Alderman Snodgrass!" said I, "how dare you use the name of that much respected individual? Take him uway, constable." I had the satisfaction of seeing him safely walked off to the watch-house. For appearance s sake we followed the constable and his prisoner for a few minutes; but soon gave them both the slip, and, turning down a narrow arched passage, were instantly lost to sight. After threading a variety of lanes and alleys, we reached a low, dingy brick building, with a square courtyard before it, at the end of which a solitary lamp was burning, Here, making a sudden halt, "My friend," said the philosopher solemnly, do you see yon edifice?" "Yes, what of it ? It looks like a lock-up house." "A what!" replied Justinian, "a lock-up house ! Sir, that building, is neither more nor less than the cele brated Humbug Charity School ! His meditations were here abruptly put an end to by a cry of "Stop thief!" which was followed by a crowd of boys and men, who came rushing in the direction where we stood. This ominous interruption wrought THE TABLES TURNED. 11 ft talismanic effect on Justinian s nerves. His enthusi asm was below /ero in an instant; in plain English, he ran away. In vain I conjured him to stop, assuring him that there was no cause for apprehension. The more nimbly I cried " Stop," the more nimbly he shot forward; while I could with difficulty keep up with him. Away he flew, up this street, down that, and when ever he showed symptoms of flagging I kept him at full speed by maliciously crying out, " On, on ! they re just behind us." Having at length cleared the town, he stopped an instant to draw breath, when, suddenly looking behind me, I again exclaimed, with affected dismay, that the constables were close at our heels. "Oh, mercy!" cried the philosopher, perspiring like an alderman in the dog-days; "it s all over with me, so I may as well die here." "Nonsense, man ! I tell you we must run." " Run ! Ah ! it s all very well for you to talk of running, but for me, with this weight of However, I suppose there s no help for it;" and he made one more desperate effort, when, having reached the high-road, he shot across it, and thence head-foremost, through a quick-set hedge, into some secluded meadows, leaving Humbug a few hundred yards behind. Here, halting to wipe the perspiration from his fore head, he was beginning to pour forth his plaintive lamen tations, when he said " My friend, pardon the sud denness of my resolution, but I must here bid you farewell. Fain would I proceed, but a certain twitch ing in the calves of my legs to say nothing of my ribs, -warns me that I must either sink with fatigue, or make the best of my way to Humbug. Will you ac company me ?" "Never ! the alternative is too hazardous." " Oh, as to that, so far as I am concerned, I feel con vinced that my disguise will afford me quite sufficient protection, while you Tis of no use talking, Stubbs; my resolve is taken." 78 THE TABLES TURNED. " And whither does your destiny lead you ?" "I know not. Possibly to South Wales, which it easiest of access from this neighborhood, where I shall remain secluded till my late adventures are forgotten." "Arcadian simplicity! The idea is not amiss in theory, but defective, I fear, in " Practice. Possibly so; but, to say the truth, I am sick to death of all literary turmoil; I now intend to become a mere passive spectator of other men s doings. * "Farewell, then," said Justinian, grasping me fer vently by th^ hand; "not a moment is to be lost; so farewell, my friend, for ever 1 A few days since, and I could have borne our parting with indifference; but now forgive the starting tear I feel the man triumph over the philosopher;" and he applied a handkerchief to his eyes. I was not a little astonished at this pathetic exhibi tion; but before I had time to recover myself, Justinian, who had marked my emotion, continued "I see my sensibilit^y surprises you, and no wonder, for I am not apt to be thus overcome; but the truth is, my young friend, from the very first moment we met, there was a certain something about you that irresisti bly won my affection !" " I thought I could sympathize only with tho many. Alas! I feel I have a tear for the one." The phil osopher, after again bidding me farewell, and straining me to his breast, in what he called " a long and last em brace," hurried back as fast as his legs would carry him to Humbug. No sooner was he out of sight than, a strange pre sentiment flashing across my min 1, I plunged my hand into my coat-pocket, and found that this accomplished rascal, while busy hugging me in his arms, had actually found means to elope with my pocket-book ! I have detested the word " philosophy " ever since. It was on a warm, mellow summer evening, that a stranger, manifestly young, intelligent, and perhaps handsome, but with his expressive features sicklied ever MY CRAVING APPETITE. 7?J with melancholy, stood alone, with folded arms and downcast eyes, on the highest summit of Llynn-y-van. That interesting stranger was myself! Disgusted with England, I had no sooner quitted Humbug than chance, led my steps in the direction of South Wales. As I stood among the lofty peaks, I exclaimed aloud, "Yes, here indeed is a Paradise in which even I may find repose! Here, will I set up my tent, and enjoy the sweet solace of life. Hope, thy visions have faded! Ambition, thy dream is at an end! On the summit of this wind-swept orag, in this saddening twilight, I bid ye both farewell! Lo! I shake the dust of England from ofT my feet. Within this secluded valley I shall find gentle hearts and unsophisticated heads; the busy slanders of the great world cannot pierce these moun tain ramparts. Here, then, I may be free from perse cution and detection. Hark! the bells from yonder village warn me onward. See, even while I speak, day drops behind the groves." From this high-flown soliloquy, the reader will per ceive that I can accommodate myself to circumstances. I can conform to the peculiarities of every position into which circumstances may throw me. No mode of life, no turn of thought, comes amiss. With the satirist, I can sneer; with the good-natured, I can laugh; with the mournful, I can sigh. I was to adapt myself to new society, and lo! I felt already prepared for the change. Strange, that a man so shy and bashful should possess such qualifications. CHAPTER XVI. MY CRAVING APPETITE. On I went, right down the mountain-side, till I found a countryman squatted on a hillock, and tying together a broken lash, with which he held a goat. 80 MY CRAVING APPETITE. Had this encounter, at such an hour, occurred in a more < ivilized country, I should have been robbed, mur dered, and buried in a ditch, to be dug- up again a fort night at tor in a state of perplexing decomposition. The man replied to my inquiries by informing me that Llandwarrys (the name of the nearest village) was at least three miles off; but this news, did not dis concert me; so I pushed forward again, amusing myself, with framing shapes out of the shadows that twilight flung upon the earth. One in particular, thrown by a short, squat blackthorn across my path, struck me as bearing a flattering likeness to old Snodgrass. But fancy ill accords with an empty stomach. I have yet to discover what mental specific can take the edge off a craving appetite. Hunger is not to be argued into submission. It is stubborn, it knows its rights and will maintain them. At length, after incredible toil, I was lucky enough to stumble against a cottage-garden which jutted out beside the cross-road. Availing myself of my good fortune, I knocked at the half-open door, and com menced putting questions touching the distance to Llandwarrys, and the possibility of reaching it in time to obtain accommodation for the night. I found that I was still three miles off, even taking the nearest road, which was difficult to find in the dark; I had better, therefore, wait till the moon-rise, when I should be able to find my way. After an hour s halt I had the satisfaction of seeing the first beams of the rising .noon glimmer in at the lattice. "\o\v," said mine host, you may proceed with safety; but as the first part of your road may perhaps give you some little trouble, I will accompany you as far as Llyn-ym-dwarrys, w r hen you will be within a mile of the town, and can no longer make a miss of your way." He then proceeded to put on a pair of thick wooden clogs, and whistling to his dog, which came bounding over the garden-fence at the well-known summons, led the way down the cross-road. MY CRAVING APPETITE. 81 It was a fine starlight night, with a brisk wind that kept hurrying- the clouds in rapid succession across the moon s disk, and chequering the landscape with spec tral varieties of light and shade. Now and then the breeze came in sharp, shrill gusts, that whirled the dead leaves by hundreds across our path, and brought to our ears the hooting of the owl or the trickling of many a shy streamlet. We had held on our course for some two miles or more, and I was beginning anxiously to speculate on the chancc-s of a speedy termination to it, when, 0:1 round ing the brow of a low hill, we at length came in sight of Llyn-ym-d\varrys. My companion here made a halt. "Yonder is the town," said he; "you have now only to keep straight ahead till you reach the Red Lion. Good night, sir. Rhys," continued he, whistling to his dog, "we must be quick back, or the old woman will think we re going to make a night of it. The lights were still twinkling in the houses of Lland-warrys as I passed the churchyard. Jn a few minutes more I had entered the town, and was safely housed in the snug sanded front parlor of the Rel Lion. What luxury was mine at this moment! I contend there is no enjoyment equal to that which a jaded traveler experiences when, his day s travel at an end, he ex changes two tight boots for a spacious pair of slippers. I had now been nearly a month resident at Lland- warrys, and the pittance I had been able to preserve from the wreck of my fortune at Humbug indepen dently of that portion with which the philosophic otubbs had eloped was fast dwindling away. Domes tics, whom, 1 had imagined void of guile, materially assisted the diminution of my funds. Nothing escaped their clutches. But this was far from constituting my sole grievance. As autumn drew on, the cottage, which, under the in fluence of sunshine and dry weather, I had fancied so attractive, became not only damp, but positively 82 MY C HAVING APPETITE. untenable. The walls and ceilings began to thaw, while that domestic insect which Sir J. Banks once endeav ored to boil into a lobster took possession of every nook and cranny in my bed-chamber. To wind up the sum of my annoyances, a flood one night came down from the mountains, burst open my pantry-door, and committed a burglary on all that my servants had left untouched. When I arose the next morning, the valley was one broad shoet of water. The Towy roared and chafed like an angry sea;, and I just reached my ground-floor in time to see two boiled fowls swim off in hasty pur suit of a cold turkey; and a fillet of veal "clear out" from the lower pantry-shelf, for a voyage down the Towy to Llandilo. I should observe, in addition to these vexations, that my pursuits answered the purpose neither cf amuse ment nor utility. My horticultural experiments just sufficed to convince me that a man must have genius to superintend the education of fruits and vegetables; when, "with fishing rod in hand, I took a saunter along the banks of the Towy, I was constantly hooking the calf of my leg, jerking my hat into the water, or pulling up a huge weed in mistake for a salmon. The fish, I often thought, entertained a very mean opinion of my abilities. On specifying these grievances to the apothecary, he consoled me by the assurance that they were mere mat ters of course, to which a few months endurance would not fail to reconcile me. I refused to be comforted; ind, by w\ay of effectual safeguard, I proposed to the apothecary, for the future, to take up my abode with him. For the better enforcement of this abrupt proposition, I pointed out the various services I might be the means of rendering him. I stated that medicine had been my fovorite study ever since the period when I first com menced it, under the auspices of a celebrated physician; that I was conversant with the infirmities of poor, weak, THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER. 83 shivering humanity though I did not for a moment presume to compete with him in medical ability; and that, such being the case, I considered it almost a mat ter of course that a mutual connection would turn out profitable to both of us. I concluded with the payment of my rent. The apothecary partook, in some degree, of my emo tion In common with the rest of the world that is to say, of that illustrious and influential portion of it which constituted the club at the Ked Lion he hel.l my talents in exceeding respect; and was prepared to augur well of my success in business, from having 1 so recently witnessed the skill with which I had converted into friends and admirers those who had at first re ceived me as an alien and an intruder. Still, he had his doubts of the propriety of my partnership project. I was young I was a stranger I was inexperienced. Granted; but I was industrious, persevering; at home in the theory, if not quite so much so in the practice, of medicine; and was, besides, in possession of a recipe (imparted to me by the famous Dr. Killquick,) which had effected the most miraculous cures. I saw that the apothecary was staggered by my reasoning, so followed up blow after blow with all the zeal I could muster, for I felt that everything depended on perseverance; and after a week of doubts and dcmurrings on his part, I had the satisfaction of finding my efforts crowned with success. Drop by drop, water will in time wear out the toughest rock. CHAPTER XVII. THE APOTHECARY S WIDOAVED SISTER. About this time another change took place in or-. domestic condition. I allude to my marriage with tbw 84 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER. apothecary s widowed sister a catastrophe which too* place after a month s acquaintance with the lady, on an erroneous supposition that she was worth money. And here, it may be possibly urged that I was guilty of a grievous backsliding, inasmuch as my first wife was most probably still alive. I plead guilty to the charge; but may state, in extenuation that such was the havoc which repeated disappointments had wrought on my memory, that not till the ceremony was con cluded did it occur to me that I had committed bigamy. When, however, the dreadful conviction flashed on my mind, the shock it occasioned was inconceivable! I should be trifling with the credulity of 1113 readers, and militating against the sacred interests of truth Avere I to assert that my second wife realized all that a romantic fancy could conjure up of loveliness and sensibility. She was neither a Helen nor a Juliet; and when displeased with . what she called my extrava gance, was fond of instituting comparisons between me and her first husband, which made me notwith standing my general forbearance more than once express a wish that he and I could change places. It was some weeks, however, before her peculiarities fully developed themselves. For the first fortnight or so, she was all smiles and civility; for her brother s business, from the time I took a share in it, and began to bestir myself, exhibited such a satisfactory increase as to enable us to indulge in the luxury of an assistant, and even give occasional dinners to friends at the Red Lion. It was just about the close of the honeymoon that, after trying a variety of Dr. Killquick s recipes with but indifferent success, I hit upon one of which, from having once tasted it, I retained a very vived recollec tion. I had observed that the lower classes were in ordinately fond of stimulants, so persuaded myself that I had but to hit this prevalent fancy to bring my self into repute among them. The recipe in question possessed all the requisite THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER, 85 ingredients for notoriety; so much so, that, when I explained its character to Mr. Davis, that unsophis ticated apothecary opened his mouth wider than ever it the idea of such an experiment being tried on Christian bowels. Why, you must be joking, surely!" said he; "the dose you speak of would kill a crocodile!" "So, for Heaven s sake, think better of it." Put I was deaf to all his expostulations. I was con- Tinced, I replied, that the experiment would succeed; and justified myself for making trial of it." The "Infallible Resuscitating Elixir," as I styled my new specific, was a medicine composed, in nearly equal quantities, of bark, brickdust, gin, and gun powder, boiled over a slow fire, and flavored with Scotch snuff! Its success at first was equivocal; but when its virtues had been duly insisted upon in all the public journals, it brought a world of patients of the lower orders to my shop; and I had the tact to confine it exclusively to them (well knowing that your civilized stomach is apt to be fastidious), just as if it were the balsam of Fairy Bias, whose singular property it was to kill one-half of the community while it cured the other. The neighboring small farmers and their serving- men were among the first to honor my elixir with their patronage. The bark was so bracing, the brickdust so cleansing, the gunpowder so stimulating, the gin so palatable, that, no matter what the disorder might be- one ingredient or the other was sure to suit. If the bark failed, there was still a chance for the brickdust; while the gin, acting in spirited accordance with the gunpowder, produced an internal commotion, which, in cases where the gastric juice was languid, wonder fully facilitated digestion. One of my patients took a hearty draught every day, and always, as he said, felt the better for it, though "a little sickish at first," he grew gradually worse. The gunpowder, I rather suspect, disagreed with him; for 86 THE APOTHECARY S WIDOWED SISTER. he went off one night like a shot, after having taken it twice during the night in currant-jelly. 1 did not quit this worthy man s bedside until the last, when, with a doleful heart I made the best of my way home. It was a dark, moonless night, and my road lay close to the churchyard. AY hen I neared the old Avail that bound in the last resting places of the dead, I heard the wind moan and sigh through the trees, my pace in stinctively quickened, my heart beat quick and loud, and a nervous apprehension of something horrible flit ted across my mind. Involuntarily I thought of my patients, one or two of whose graves lay close under neath the wall which I had yet "to pass. "If they could rise, from the earth wherein they lie full six feet deep if they could rear up their shadowy forms across my path, what, in the name of Heaven, should I do or say? How convince such skeptics that their exit from lire was the work of fate, not of mortal agency? Disembodied spirits, I have heard, are Hah! whose are those eyes glaring full on me from between the chinks of yon tombstone: Methinks,! should know that threatening countenance! Hark! is that a voice? Fool, tis but the wind!" and I rushed homeward with the speed of an antelope. I found my wife up and waiting to let me in, with her brow clouded, her eye full of tempest, and her tem per in a high state of fermentation. "So, sir, this is a pretty time for a married man to be out! I dare say you will tell me you ve been attend ing one of your patients. But I know better; there s my brother has been in bed these two hours." Without vouchsafing any answer, I strode past my wife into the parlor. At a small table., was placed my supper. I glanced at the repast with an expression of disgust. My wife understood the hint, and exclaimed peevishly, "You need not turn up your nose so, Mr. Fitzmaurice" was the alias I had assumed, "the supper is MY REFI ECTIONS AND SUPPER. 87 quite as good as you have a right to expect at this hour But it s no use talking " "None in the least." The more I do the less thanks 1 get. Good nature is always sure to be imposed upon. Ah! times are sadly altered since poor dear Mr. Evans " "Hang Mr. Evans!" My wife took no notice of this repartee, but con tinued, "I ll tell you what it is, Mr. Fitzmaurice, I ve just been looking over our last month s bills, and have come to the resolution of keeping no more dinner "Fray, go to bed, my dear; this is no time for dis cussing such matters." "Aye, that s always the way you put me off; nothing I say or do is done at the proper time." "Well, well, we ll talk of these things to-morrow. At present, I have some medicine to make up; so light two fresh candles and leave me." "Two fresh candles, Mr. Fitzmaurice! where am I to get them at this late hour?" "What, are there none in the house?" "Only one "That must do then; so fetch it quickly, and go to bed. I m sure your delicate constitution must suffer by sitting up so late." Sullenly, and with many an ominous shake of the head, my wife drew forth a candle and, having lit and placed it on the table, admonished me to be sure to put it out when 1 had done with it, and quitted the room MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. Left to my own reflections, I sat wistfully down for, to eat, and digest my supper was wholly out of the question and busied myself in contrasting my present 88 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. with my past situation. I called to mind the ambitious dreams that beset me on my first commencing my theat rical career: on the hopes which buoyed me up on my road to London; and more especially on my connection with the Snodgrasses, which I had once thought would fairly set me on the high road to fortune. All these had now passed away, and here I was, the child of mystery and misfortune an alias and alien, rooted in an obscure, semi-barbarous village; unable to venture forth again into the world; and raised from utter penury only by my marriage with a skinflint, and my chance profits as an apothecary in the healthiest situation in all Wales. The solemn silence of the hour the spectral gloom of the apartment, lit only by a miserable candle, which threw its flickering "darkness visible" on walls naked as unfigleafed Adam, and old-fashioned mahog any chairs with elbows as high as the cheek-bones of a Scotchman the excitement produced by the sudden death of my patient, the thrilling recollection of the churchyard, all these associations deepened my despon dency, till, worn out with exhaustion, I sunk fast asleep in my arm-chair. But, alas! even slumber itself failed to bring relief. I dreamed that I was seated in my shop, gazing upwards at the shelf where stood, ranged in due order, a row of elixir bottles, when whiz! out flew the corks, and out too, from each bottle popped the head of a defunct pa tient! I was astonished at their numbers; but surprise was soon lost in horror, for, just as I was attempting an escape, the goblins leaped with a bound on the floor, pulled me back by the coat-skirts, caught hold of me, this one by the legs, and that by the arms, I implored pity, but in vain the phantoms were inexorable; when, suddenly, the ghost of the exciseman I knew him by his nose! starting up from the inside of a pill-box, forced open my reluctant jaws; drenched me with my own elixir; and then, caught up a pestle, and kept pounding and pounding away at my ribs, till in the a irony ort my struggles I awoke to find my wife MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. 89 stooping down beside me to pick up the nightcap which J had dislodged from her head. "Gracious heavens! Mr. Fitemaurice, are you mad? or are you going to murder me by way of gratitude for my affection? Why, it is now near daybreak, Fitz! Fitz! your extravagance is past all bearing!" Too much depressed to reply, I rose from my seat and hurried up-stairs to bed. A Mr. Gryffyths, a squire of ancient descent, who re sided within a mile or so of the town, before the week s end, had a case of the rheumatic-gout that chained him fast down by both legs to his arm-chair. In this predicament, the good squire bethought him self of his usual medical adviser, Mr. Davis; but, as my brother happened to be from home when the summons for his immediate attendance at Gryffyths arrived, I caught at such a favorable opportunity of making my self known to the elite of the district, and volunteered to go in his stead. As my road lay by the Rupee House, I called in just to pay a passing visit, I found him airing a damp news paper by a fire that might have roasted an ox. As usual, he was in great affliction. "I have been reading Buchan s Domestic Medicine, " he began, u since I last saw you ; and, strange to say, there is scarcely a single disorder mentioned in it that I have not got some symptoms of. Very hard, but nothing seems to do me good. Thickskull was here yesterday, and advised me to try the blue-pill. He begins now to 3 think that the seat of my complaint is the liver, and that the affection at the chest is merely a secondary symptom. Well, well, be this as it may, I can assure you, Mr. Fitzmaurice, I ve long since shaken hands with the world, and shall be far trom sorry to bid it good-night. I made the very same remark to Caustic, when he was pestering me about making a will. It s very odd, how persevering that man is ! I once acci dentally let drop some intention of the sort, he has never let me have a moment s peace since. I wonder 90 MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPER. he can like to talk on such a subject; but he is such an egotist !" The old hypochondriac was running on in this dismal fashion, when his attention, most opportunely for me, was called off by the yelping of his dog Venus, the only creature on earth in which he ever seemed to take the slightest interest. On hastening to the door to see who or what it was that was thus wounding the sensibilities of his pet, he discovered that the offender was no less a personage than Roger his " treasure " Roger ! who, having forced the cur up into a corner in the passage, was belaboring it with a bamboo-cane, and cursing it between whiles with an energy that might have created a sensation at Portsmouth. The nabob seemed quite thunderstruck at this unac countable behavior of his "treasure." "I am astonished, Roger," he said, "at your conduct! What do you mean by your cruelty to that harmless animal r" " What do I mean ?" replied the fellow, who chanced to be in one of those surly humors with which men with only half a liver are apt to be visited; " why, I mean to thrash her that s what I mean. She s almost bit my thumb off," and forgetting, in the rage of the moment, his usual respect for his master, he aimed an other blow at the animal, which, instead of reaching her, took an oblique direction, and alighted upon Mr. Rupee s shin-bone. The unexpected impudence of this reply, and still more the assault by which it was accompanied, set the nabob trembling from head to foot. I never saw him in such a state of excitement. He turned white; he turned red; he turned yellow; he absolutely foamed with rage; and at length, with incredible difficulty, while he kept standing on one leg, like a stork, and giving sharp jerks with the other, by way of easing the pain, he stammered out, " Quit my service instantly, sir. D ye hear ? Quit it this instant!" Roger, whose blood was quite as much up as his master s, was about making another saucy "answer, MY REFLECTIONS AND SUPPEB. 91 which would infallibly have ended in his beuag knocked down either by himself or the nabob, when 1 stopped him by placing my hands on his shoulders, and driv ing him before me to the back door; after which, hav ing seen him fairly ejectedfrom the premises, I returned into the parlor, where I found Mr. Rupee taking quick, frenzied strides up and down the room, like a man who has just read his banker s name in the list of failures. For a few minutes, indignation was the one predomi nant feeling in his mind; but when I had prevailed on him to resume his seat, to my inconceivablesurpri.se, he burst into a violent fit of laughter. "Well," said he, " this is, without exception, the most ridiculous piece of business I ever was engaged in. I could not have believed it possible that anything would have power to rouse me so. It has actually made me feel quite strong again." " And no wonder," said I; "depend on it, there is nothing like a good honest passion to brace the nerves, and set the blood in motion. Whenever we are low- spirited, we make a point of pitching into our next neighbor, and it is astonishing the good it does noth parties. Bravo ! I protest you look quite hearty. * " Hearty !" replied he, rubbing his hands with ecsi asy; " why, sir, I m full twenty years younger. Haven t 1 a fine color in my face i* 1 feel strong enough to do any thing. I ll get up by clay -light to-morrow, and go fox-hunting ! I ll poke the fire out, and sit without one! I ll toss my physic out of the window, ana " For God s sake, Mr. Rupee, don t do anything so rash. It may be your death. No doubt your late ex citement has done you good; but the relapse, sir, that is what we have most to dread in a case of this sort. If you will be advised by me, you will double your usual close to-night, and early in the morning I will send up a few tonics, which, with one or two composing draughts, a box of pills, and a mild blister, will set you all to rights. Physic, Mr. Rupee, physic, sir aflei ail, there is nothing like physic." I PHYSIC A PATIENT. CHAPTER XIX. I PHYSIO A PATIENT. At this moment the door gently openeil, and in walked :he penitent Roger, who, halting a few paces off the table, where his master was seated, was commencing a most submissive and elaborate apology for what he called his "little indiscretion," when the nabob cut him short with, " Go your ways, Roger, go your ways, and think no more about it. If you were hasty, so was I;" and then turning tome, he added, "As you were saying, Mr. Fitzmaurice, we must take care to guard against a relapse; but surely you have no apprehen sions on this score r" Oh, dear, no, sir! A little physic, judiciously ap plied, will prevent anything ot the sort, particularly as you re just now in such a fine train for recovery." "That is, if 1 don t fall back," replied the nabob, whose ecstasies were by this time beginning to get u. little moderated. "And if you should," said I, with a waggish and most unprofessional smile, which, however, I could not for the life of me resist, " you have your remedy in your own hands." "And what is that?" " Thrash Roger !" and so saying, I made a precipi tate retreat, and hurried on to Gryffyths. My time was now, for the first time since my en trance into South Wales, beginning to pass very much to my satisfaction. I was here, there, and everywhere; now sentimentalizing, now waxing convivial with the squire, and now discussing local politics with Caustic and my brother-in-law at the hotel. I must confess I should have preferred a more enlarged sphere of ac tion; but this being just now wholly out of the I PHYSIC A PATIENT. 93 question, I had nothing left for it but to make the most of my situation. But prosperity, like adversity, is not without its drawbacks. If it was fortunate for me in one sense that I extended my connections among the more respectable circles, in another it was far otherwise; for it called forth the jealousy of the narrow-minded co terie at the lied Lion, who could not understand upon what principle of justice or common-sense it was that I was more looked up to than themselves. JM .ich of my luck was attributed, as a matter of course, to my pro fession; still the club, with the exceptions of Caustic and Mr. Davis, could not, or would not, be brought to acknowledge that a man who but the other day came among them as an adventurer, with scarce a penny in his pocket, had now any right to affect the superior. For some few weeks, however, thei r feel i ngs were con fined to sneering insinuations and significant shrugs of the shoulders, whenever my name happened to be men tioned; but by decrees they assumed a more offensive character. First it was hinted that I gave myself un warrantable airs; and secondly, that there was some thing mysterious about me; whereupon the gossips would revert to my first appearance, withoutany osten sible motive, among them, and hope that all would be right "this time next year." Unfortunately, so far from endeavoring to soften this hostile disposition, I only increased its acerbity by my show of utter indifference an act of suicidal folly which was very soon brought home to me in a way that T could never have anticipated. It happened, one day when I dined with Mr. Gryfi- yths, he was so delighted with my queer, broad stories that, in the exuberance of his satisfaction, he promised that when Lord Dwarrys returned he would take an opportunity of introducing me to him. This was the very thing I most coveted, for I knew that, if I could but once gain such an influential patron, there was nothing A> the way of professional advancement that 1 might 94 I PHYSIC A PATIENT. not calculate on during my stay in South Wales; so hurrying home in high glee, I just stopped to commu nicate the news to my wife, and then stepped over thf way to the Red Lion. Never was I in better condition never fuller of anec dote and vivacity than on this disastrous evening. Not a remark was thrown off as Mr. Gryffyths would say but I followed in full cry at its heels with some oppo site pun or joke; and this with so little effort, and such invincible good-nature, that, despite their late preju dices, the coterie again began to look on me, if not with positive good-will, at least with something not very fur removed from it. But one among the assembled party ominous unit! was silent amid the general mirth. Where others affected the conciliatory, he merely sneered, at the same time keeping his eyes fixed on mine with a marked per tinacity that attracted the attention of the whole room, and at length so annoyed me that, thrown off my guard, I said, cavalierly : "Are my face and figure to your liking, sir?" "Less, perhaps, than you may suppose," replied the fello\v, "for I have seen both before, and that not very long since, under circumstances which " "Circumstances !" exclaimed one and all in a breath; "what circumstances:" "Oh, no matter. Mr. Fitz What-d ye-call- em" (with a sneer), "I dare say, will understand me." My nerves misgave me at this trying moment, and I began to run over in my mind what the fellow could possibly allude to. Had he known me as an actor, or as an editor; 1 Had he been engaged with me in the scenes at Humbug ? Had he been an eye-witness of my flight from prison? Impossible! for surely I should have recollected him. Still, despite this conviction, I felt far from comfortable, and w r ould gladly have beaten a retreat; but for the life of me, I could not summon up a plausible excuse, so there I sat, nailed to my chair, while not less than a dozen pair of eyes, opened I PHYSIC A PATIENT. 95 to their widest extent, kept glaring- on me like so many burning-glasses; The suspicions of the company being once roused, they insisted on following up the conversation, not withstanding I made repeated attempts to divert it; till, driven to desperation, like a stag at bay, I fixed r menacing look on the stranger, and said : "Who o> what you may be, sir, that thus claim an acquaint ince "Acquaintance, sir? God forbid !" "Why, what is the meaning of all this?" said Caus tic, peevishly; "if you have anything to say against Fitzmaurice, sir, out with it. No friend of mine shall have his character sneered away in this manner. Fair play s a jewel; so on with your story, man, and be "Aye, on with it!" cried out a dozen voices at once. I was so much struck with Caustic s generous blunt- ness, that for a few minutes I was wholly unable to say a word; at length, deriving confidence from the reflec tion that I had at least one friend in the room, I re sumed my address to the stranger as follows: "Who, or what you may be, sir, that thus affect a recol lection of me, I know not; I have mixed much with the world in my time, especially in the metropolis; and mj friend, the auctioneer here, who has done the same knows well that under such circumstances amanmeeU with strange acquaintances. JN T o offense to you, sir." I threw out this flattering insinuation for the pu? pose of conciliating the auctioneer, who, however, tool no notice of it further than by a surly "Humph!" 01 which I continued my address : "It is not unlikely dherefore, sir, that I may have met with you before but most assuredly, wherever it was that this encounte took place, there can be no circumstances attending it which I should wish to forge t." The stranger was stung with the determined cool ness of my manner, which was not without its effect 01 the company, and, being moreover somewhat touches by frequent libations of brandy and water, he replied EXPOSURE. "Since you say that you have no wish to forget the circumstances under which I last met you 5 I can have no hesitation in publicly bringing them to your recol lection. But first of all, I should tell you that I am traveler for the firm of Hoax & Co., wholesale drug gists, in Humbug." CHAPTER XX. EXPOSURE. The club pricked up their ears at this exordium. The attorney was particularly attentive, and no sooner hoard the word "Humbug" mentioned, than he stole quietly out of the room a movement which filled me with dismay. "Humbug! Humbug!" said I; "true, I passed through it some months since on my road to South Wales; and, now, I think of it, I do remember having had the good fortune to spend an evening with you. I am glad you bring the matter to my recollection. Your health I hope you left your family well at home?" I could see that the company were disappointed at this simple solution of what had appeared to them a most important mystery; the auctioneer especially muttered halt-audibly between his teeth : "Pshaw ! is that all?" But, together with the others, he was soon relieved from his disappointment by the stranger re plying : "You re mistaken, sir; I have no family, nor am I married !" "Bless me, how forgetful I am ! I recollect, you told me you were a bachelor, and amused me uncommonly, too, by your quizzical allusions to the married state. What a capital joke that was of yours about the fat widow of Clifton !" I added; for necessity is the mother of invention, and I felt the importance of putting the fellow into good humor. EXPOSURE. y? The man stared at me as if I had been a ghost. "Fat widow! Clifton! Sir, I never spent an evening with you. never told you a story about a fat widow. I never joked with you about the married state. I arn a plain, blunt man of business, and detest joking. I never cracked a joke in all my life, and never meant it." " Well, my good sir, I might have known from your face you were no joker." "And from yours I might have known, what I ll take care the company shall know, too, that you are a swindler. There, sir, what do you think of that for a joke?" My face burned like scarlet at this insult. "Sir," I replied, "you are a scoundrel, but your condition pro tects you. It is clear to me that you are drunk. I might have told you so before, but a false delicacy pre vented me." "And no false delicacy shall prevent my exposing you as you deserve." The fellow then, with the most tedious circumlocution, went through the history of my connection with Alderman Snodgrass; of my con duct during the election, where he first saw me on the hustings; of the proceedings that had been instituted against me, in consequence of my "deliberate frauds on one who had proved himself my best friend;" of my arrest, imprisonment, flight in a word, of the whole of my political career during my residence in that most villainous of all towns. "But his name:" inquired the attorney, who had re- entered the room while the man was in the midst of his statement; "you have forgotten to tell us that." "His name is O Blarney; though, it seems, he now calls himself Fitzmavricc." "So I thought," replied the man of law, "and" wink ing sagaciously at the company "I have had my sus picions a long time on the subject, though I said noth ing about it; but now, in order to be quite sure of my man, I have brought with me an old number of the Humbug paper, wherein thia same Mr. O B , alias 98 EXPOSURE. Mr. F , is described as not only having been guilty oi all that this gentleman has alleged against him, but as having been seen on the night of the conflagration in company with a convicted felon who assisted to rob the clergyman of the jail." The parson here fairly groaned aloud. "What, rob & clergyman? O i, the sacrilegious villain! Hanging is too good for him!" "I an sorry for you, Mr. Fitz O Blarney or what ever else may be your name," said Caustic. "Your pecuniary difficulties I could have sympathized with, forall gentlemen are liable to accidents of this sort; but your ingratitude to your friend and benefactor this is what no man of honor can overlook; so the sooner you vanish the better." "Right, captain," said the auctioneer, "I never half liked the fellow s looks." "And he s my brother-in-law !" gasped forth Mr. Davis. Before I could reply, the attorney had pulled out the Humbug journal from his pocket, and, putting on his spec-tax Ics, commenced reading it aloud; but scarcely h:id ho got through the first sentence, when I snatched it from nis hands, tore it into a thousand fragments, a-; 1, Hinging them into his face, said : "This is a mon strous conspiracy, got up for the sole purpose of ruin ing an innocent man; but, sir," turning fiercely to wards the traveler, "rely on it, you shall pay dearly for your outrageous calumnies, arid this before another week is Dver your head;" and so saying, I rushed towards the door, taking the company so completely by surprise that not a soul attempted to stop me. Wlicu I reached the street, I stood for a moment like Dne bewildered, so sudden had been the blow, and with such stunning severity had it fallen on me. Neverthe less an immediate decision was necessary. Ruin stared me in the face. By the morrow the stranger s calumnies would be in general circulation throughout the valley; and not only would my prospects be forever blasted . EXPOSURE. 99 in South Wales, but intelligence also of the place of my retreat would reach Humbug. The last consideration decided me, and remember! p.^ luckily that the Miltbrd coa -!i would in a few minutes pass the end of the street, I resolved on taking my de parture by it but whither, I was not just then sulH cient master of myself to determine. Having come to this decision, I rushed full speed home. My wife met me at the door. -Good news glorious news, my dear," snicl I, rubbing n;y hands with affected ecstasy; "I have just heard from a friend that my old uncle you must remember my often speak ing of him now lies at the point of death and desires to see me instantly, with the view, no doubt, of making me heir to his vast property." "Well I declare,?* replied Mrs. Fitzmaurice, "flu s is just what I expected. I said only at breakfast-time, some luck would befall us, for I dreamed last night " "Quick, quick, my dear, I have no time to listen to dreams now. The coach will pass within ten minutes; so give me one hundred dollars for my traveling ex penses, as I may perhaps be detained some little time at Pembroke." "One hundred dollars, Fitzmaurice! I should think fifty would do." "No, no; nothing under one hundred and do pray, be quick. There is net a moment to lose." Grumbling, yet with more alacrity than she ever before evinced on such occasions, Mrs. Fitzmaurice hastened to her secret escritoire, and in a few minutes returned with the requisite sum, just as I heard the coach clattering along the end of the street, and the well-known footstep of Mr. Davis hastening across the road. "There, Fitzmaurice," said my wife, thrusting the money into my hands, "there s one hundred dollars! Now, mind you husband it carefully. You ll have no need to stop on the road, and with respect to the coachman " "(yood-bye, my dear, I " 100 EXPOSURE. "You ll be sure to write and let me Know bow youi mcle is." "Yes, yes." "And with respect to the coachman " [ can t wait, God bless you;" and with these words I hurried off iiiy wit e calling after mo, "Be sure you only oive the coachman a quarter; some folks, I know, <rivo rifly c; n s; but you will go outside, of course, so a (jii irlcr will be quite enough." And thus abruptly terminated my rustication in that village to the great vexation of the undertaker. L uid of my earliest and best affections Too long have I been a reluctant wanderer from thy shores; but now I return, friendless indeed, but in manhood s prime, to associate myself to thine injured sons, to live with them-to plead for them-to suffer forthem-and, if neces sary, to die tor them. Oh what are the enjoyments of wealth, rank or intellect, com pared with those which visit the pilgrim s heart, when, after many wanderings by sea and land; after many misfortunes, aggravated haply by his own indiscretions 01% what is oftener the case, by the ingratitude of others, le once more treads the green grass of his native land Oh, nvver till now did I feel the full magic of that little word country. Now, indeed, I am at home. Every face I see wears a friendly and familiar smile; every tongue is tipped with a brogue f hat is more than music to my ear!" Such were my reflections as 1 sat alone in my lodg ings in Dublin, gazing from an open window at the rrowds that passed below. Soon, however, my reverie was cut short by a tremendous chorus of voices raised in every conceivable variety of intonation. Looking up the street, to see what occasioned such dissonance, I beheld, slowly advancing along the pavement, a bill, bmly gentleman, followed closely by a pretty consid erable sprinkling of the population. As the stranger drew near the spot over which I was stationed, I had ample leisure to scrutinize him. Apparently he was b^twwn forty and fifty years ot age: EXPOSURE. 10} cheerful and comely in face, with an eye slightly puck ered up to the angles, and expressing infinite sbrewd- ness and humor, His build wn.s athletic, particularly about the shoulders, which looked as though they were capable of sustaining 1 any weight. And who was this Patagonian peripatetic, who walked and talked as though he should say, "I am Sir Oracle, let no dog bark when 1 clo speak!" Who bub the mighty Agitator O Croimvell! On what trifles do the leading events of IT; at <imes depend! The fall of an apple made Newton a philoso pher! The sight of O Cromwell confirmed me a pa triot! My wandering resolves my undecided specula tions were called home and fixed at once. I felt the soul of Brut us stir within me. "Yes," said 1, in a sudden trans port of enthusiasm, "I too will devote myself, body and soul, on the altar of my country. I have got the bast of all patriotic requisites, an empty pocket." It is aston ishing what a fierce, outrageous love of country throbs in the bosom of him who has scarcely asixpence in the world. Oh, to be as powerful as O Cromwell! To be fol lowed, like him, by the shouts of admiring thousands; to have the pulses of a nation beat as those of an individ ual, at one s si ightest word and action ; to be the barome ter by which the funds are regulated and the movements of troops decided; to be the bugbear of cabinets, free dom s bulwark and despotism s scourge; idolized on the banks of the St. Lawrence, execrated beside the Danube and the Neva. Oh, for but one day, one hour, to wield the sceptre of this mighty demagogue! Such were the ambitious aspirations of my oawly awakened patriotism* 102 AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. CHAPTER XXL AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. Xext day, a grand meeting was held at the Corn Exchange. I went, and lo, the Agitator! He was seated in smiling dignity at the upper end of the room, listening to a thin, sallow, acetous orator who looked as if he had been begotten of a crab-apple on a vinegar-cruet; and who was pouring forth hot words of passion, while his every feature appeared convulsed. No sooner had he resumed his seat, than silence for a few minutes ensued; and then a loud, unanimous call for O Cromwell, which that individual was not slow to obey. lie commenced in dulcet accents; but when fairly launched into his theme the enormous injuries inflicted on Erin he recapitulated those injuries in a style and with a spirit that absolutely electrified his audience, whose attention he kept on the stretch for full four hours; when, the business of the day being at an end, he sailed away triumphant with a tumultuous mob in his wake; and next day six columns of his "winged words" were on their way to every nook and corner of the three kingdoms. "Here s fame!" said I, as I slowly and thoughtfully quitted the place of meeting, "Here s power! Here s all that man can desire! No Avonder that the weaver quits his loom the smith his forge the laborer his plow the clerk his desk the apprentice his counter that all professions, all trades are at a stand-still when expert enthusiastic patriots like these, ply hourly the wholesome task of agitation." On my road back to my lodgings, I heard a familiar voice pronounce my name; and looking round, beheld my old colleague Donovan, with whom, it mav bo AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 103 recollected, I had had a little dispute in London, touch ing a certain libel for which he wished to make me re sponsible. He was now engaged as a reporter for a Dublin journal, and filled up Ins leisure hours by occa sionally holding forth at the Corn Exchange. To meet Donovan, and to ask him to dinner, were the acts of one and the same moment. I had long since forgiven his behavior to me, and as he seemeo equally disposed to be conciliatory, we agreed to pass a social evening together. There are few greater pleasures in life few that more actively call forth our dormant sympathies than sudden meetings of this sort; more especially after time, absence, and continual commerce with the world have wrought their usual blighting effects on our feel ings. In the course of the evening, when the good cheef had opened our hearts, Donovan gave me the history of that -cursed libel," which, it seems, had not only been the means of subjecting him to fine and inprison- ment;but had saddled him, besides with a host of legal expenses, which he was only enabled to liquidate by the sale, at a heavy loss, of his Sunday journal. "How ever," ho added with vivacity, when he had brought his narrative to a close, "these things are all done with now; I have quitted London forever, and am here a fixed resident in Dublin, where I have been upwards of three months. But what brings you over the water? A truant disposition, or a pressing necessity?" "Oh, the old story, necessity," I replied. And with out entering too minutely into the history of my advent ures since wo last parted (for I am naturally delicate in alluding to my own private affairs), I contented my^ self with a brief rambling sketch, and then proceeded to ask advice as to the best and readiest means of putting my new resolves into execution. "My good fellow," answered Donovan, "your inten tions are every way worthy of you; but here, they will be found, I fear, impracticable," 104 Atf AGREEABLE SURPRISE. "Then what am 1 to do? where betake myself?" "Those are questions more easily asked than answered." "But surely your tact and experience can help me to some suggestion?" "No indeed, I can t. All I know is, that you have not the slightest chance. Why, even I have made r.o great hit as yet, whatever I may do hereafter; how then, can you? But J hate comparisons: let s talk oi something else." But this was not what I wanted; so, in a few minutes, J returned to the charge by announcing my intention of offering my services to the editors ot the journals: whereupon Donovan, jealous, no doubt, of such a competitor, said, "A good idea has just struck me! Why not try the provincial press? A county newspaper will be the very thing for you. You will find no rivals there; and by exerting due tact, may make yourself as popular as you please." "But the arena is so circumscribed?" "Stuff 1 How can you tell till you try? "Yes; but to fall back again, after all one s efforts to emerge from it, to a condition ot bankruptcy "Better that than nothing." "Oh, of course; but I an? by no means sure that my case is yet so desperate. However, let us drop the subject for the present; to-morrow evening I will call an 1 acquaint you with my decision." The next, day, without hinting a syllable of my inten tions to Donovan, I made the round of the morning airl evening papers, with an offer of my services ; but meet ing with equal discouragement at every office I visited I resolved on adopting Donovan s suggestion. "I congratulate you," said he, when we met pur suant to agreement, "on your decision. In what way do you propose to proceed?" "By advertising. I know of no other method." "Humph! Better to work through private connection- r AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 105 "But I have no private connection, unless you can assist me." "Maybe I can. What say you to a trip, by way of experiment, to Ballinabroguei " "Why do you ask?" "For five good reasons. First, because the district is most decidedly the best. Secondly, because it affords a fine opening for constitutional agitation. Thirdly, because the inhabitants are wealthy. Fourthly, because an important meeting is to be held there within the month, at which you may exhibit your eloquence to advantage. And, lastly, because the editor and pro prietor of the leading Ballinabrogue journal is my ^ery particular friend. Here is a goodly show of reasons for you!" "And equally unanswerable." "Then you will think seriously of my proposal?" "I accede to it at once." "Good; and I will pave the way for you by a letter of introduction to the proprietor in question, who, as my friend, will put you in the way at acquiring a connection, which you may extend or not as you please; and possibly, should the editorial chair be vacant, enthrone you in that seat of honor." ,,My dear fellow," said I, grasping him warmly by t he hand, "I am eternally your debtor." "Just what my confounded tailor says of me, when ever I chance to meet him." "What is the name of the gentleman to whom you are going to introduce me?" "Flannaghan, and you ll find him as able and will ing to assist you as any man that ever breathed." "Thank God for that; I never was in more need of a friend!" with which words we parted; and early on the following day, having received testimonials, letters of introduction, and so forth, I mounted his majesty s mail, and made the best of my way to Ballinabrogue. 106 ONCE MORE AN EDITOB. CHAPTER XXIL ONCE MORE AN EDITOR. Nothing* of the slightest importance occurred during the journey, except that the coach was stopped on the road, the guard robbed of the mail bags, and the coach man twice shot at from behind a hedge. The first thing I did on reaching Ballinabrogue was to ensconce myself in a suitable lodging; the second, to mid out the proprietor of the county journal, by whom, as an old acquaintance of Donovan, I calculated on being favorably received. Mr. Flannagham, however, happened to be out when I called, engaged as witness on a trial; whereupon, leaving my credentials enclosed in an explanatory note, I placed it in the clerk s hands, with a special request that he would tell his employer, the instant he came back, that the person who left the letter would, him self call for an answer in the course of the day. In the evening, accordingly, I presented myself again at the office, and was ushered into the proprie tor s private room. I found him just as Donovan had described him, a frank, jovial, good-natured man one of that class of beings with whom one is at home in an instant. He was held in general esteem among his neighbors; moved in excellent circles and, in point of fortune, was in what may be called "easy circum stances;" and this, independently of the emoluments he derived from his journal, which, being the oldest and the most liberal, enjoyed a great circulation. Such a connection was quite a god-send to a patriot like myself, and more especially was it of value, because from the fact of his being a man of substance, rendered the conduct of his journal not a little irk some to him. ONOE MORE AN EDITOK. 10? tinder these circumstances, he naturally looked on me as an angel sent from heaven to his deliverance; so the question of writing, and upon what terms, was broached, even on our first interview: in the course of which, I took care to let drop a discreet sketch of the rise, progress, and termination of my connection with the London press, to which Mr. Flannaghan listened with marked attention; but taking for granted that> like a man of the world, he would believe only one- half of what I said, I was resolved that one-half should be such as to ensure me a favorable verdict. It was not till a late honr, after an agreeable and, considering the circumstances, quite a confidential fete a-lete, that I took leave of my hospitable host. The best part of the next day I spent in drawing up a political communication in the form of a "letter from a correspondent, with a view to keep alive public interest in favor of the approaching meeting. I am willing to suppose that it was skill fully executed; at any rate, it answered its purpose; for, being peppery and personal, it drew from Mr. Flannaghun the acknowledgment that he could not have done it better himself. I should think not. But I did not say so. This communication was followed up by some five or six leading articles, which I had the good fortune to find favorably noticed in the neighborhood so favor ably, indeed, and so opportunely, as to induce Mr. Flannaghan, without further hesitation, to make over to me his editorial functions, to which he attached a weekly stipend, just sufficient to enable me to keep my head above water. But this was not the only kindness I received at the hands of this estimable individual. As our acquaint ance strengthened, he introduced me to many respect able people, who, fascinated by my modest demeanor, by the consummate knowledge I appeared to possess, and above all, by my freshness and enthusiasm, treated me with signal respect and courtesy. The day appointed for the meeting was now fast 108 A FOOLISH QUARliEL. approaching. For some time previous, it had been the theme of general discussion throughout the country. CHAPTER XXIII. A FOOLISH QUARREL. On the evening preceding it I paid a visit to Mr Flannaghan, who had taken up his residence in a cot tage just outside the town. As it was late when I called, I found him seated with a friend and neighbor, one Kelly, a lean, pompous attorney, with a short body and long legs, like a pair of tongs, w r hom I had seen in his company once or twice before, and who, in common with many other persons of the same persua sion, bore with Mr. Flannaghan s politics in considera tion of his excellent qualities as a man. Mr. Flannaghan had evidently been just delivered of one of his smartest anecdotes; for Avhen I entered, a dying grin still lingered on his guest s countenance. "I can guess, O Blarney," said the former, "what brings you here at this late hour. It is about to-mor row s meeting." "Yes; I am anxious to know whether you will attend or not." "That will depend on the weather. You ll speak, of course?" "I can t avoid it, for the committee have placed in my hands one of the most important resolutions. But surely, sir, you ll say something, as well as the rest of us?" "No, no," replied Mr. Flannaghan; "at my age, men begin to sicken of public life." "I wish to fortune, Flannaghan," said Mr. Kelly, "that all men were as sensible as yourself." "Why, I certainly do flatter myself," drawled out mine host, stroking his chin with an air of mucfc A FOOLISH QUARREL 10 ( J elf-complacency, "I do flatter myself that if I have one redeeming quality beyond another, it is just a suf ficient stock of common sense to enable me to steer clear of all extremes. "That s precisely my way of thinking," rejoined Mr. Kelly, "and, therefore, it is that I feel such pleasure in chatting with you. Though we sometimes differ, (as who do not?) yet we always do so with temper." "I wish I could say as much for some other friends ot ours. Do you remember Hourgan last Sunday at the news-room? What an ass he made of himself about your Attorney-general! "Come, come/ rejoined Mr. Kelly, with a good-hum ored smile; "you are too severe, Flannaghan. The fel low was warm, certainly; but then, consider he had the best of the argument." "The worst, you mean; men in the right never los their temper." "Why, surely, my good fellow, you won t pretend to deny that Saurin is a man of first- rate powers of mind? Even his bitterest enemies, allow that." . "If, for <mmd , you will substitute brass/ I will agree with you with all my heart." "Hah! hah! I love a joke in season as well as any one, but this trifling is a little mis-tuned. "I acknowledge him," replied Mr. Flannaghan, "to be a shrewd, bold, active "You are hasty, my dear sir- take time and digest your thoughts. Come, suppose we replenish;" and so saying, Mr. Kelly filled his glass, and handed over the ladle to mine host. By this time the punch was beginning to tell; seeing which, I tried to turn the conversation. But my cii orts were fruitless. The demon of politics had taken full possession of both gentlemen, who, though usually shy of discussing public matters; yet seemed resolved, on this occasion, to make up for past reserves by an inor dinate exhibition of candor. "For Heaven s sake, gentlemen, cease these persoualK 110 A rOOUSH QUAXKSX. tiesl They re unworthy of friends, who, in their coole* moments mutually respect each other," I said. "Respect!" thundered Mr. Kelly, "what respect can I have for -ne who has the assurance to condemn a man of whom he confesses to know nothing." "That is to say I know about as much as you." "Oh, very well; I see there s no contending with ignorance." "This to me, in my own house!" exclaimed mine host, starting up, and thrusting his chair behind him; "there s the door, sir!" Mr. Kelly rose at the same moment, and with equal heat, while I, by endeavoring to appease him, only drew down his wrath on myself. "What business is it ol yours (" he said; "who asked you for your opinion, siir Then, before I could re ply, he continued, "as for you, Mr. Flannaghan, from this time forward, I shall take care that we never ex change another syllable together," and he rushed from the house, banging the street door after him like a whirlwind. No sooner was he gone, than "I can t help pitying Kelly, O Blamey," said Mr. Flannaghan, "did you observe how foolish he looked?" I did not tell Mr. Flannaghan that he was in pre cisely the same predicament; but passed a variety of delicate encomiums on ray host s singular candor and magnanimity, which I could see gave me a wonderful rift in his good opinion. Omnipotent Flattery Lri. them say what they \vi!) of Caesars, and Napoleons, but thou art the ou y conqueror. FK1ZK14W ill CHAPTEB XXTV. NEW FRIENDS. To a relation by the na*no of Mahon, Mr. Flanna- ghan made a point of introducing me. Mr. Mabon was a widower in easy circumstancesj +riih one only child, to whom he was devotedlj attached. With this young lady, whose lightest word was law at Bellevue (the namo of her father s resi dence), I, of course, did my best to ingratiate myself, in which I so far succeeded that my visits were generally looked forward to with satisfaction; for Mr. Mahon, whose mind the untimely death of his wife had touched, but not soured, with gloom, had been for sometime gradually withdrawing himselt trorn society; and all the world knows how cheering, under such cir cumstances, <e the casual dropping in of a sprightly accommodating visitor, who has all the gossip ot the neighborhood at his fingers ends, and is ever ready tc be merry or grave, silent or talkative, as suits his host s humor. The departure of Mr. Flannaghan, dia not at all diminish my influence at Bellevue; indeed, it served rather to strengthen it, for it made the inmates especially Ellen, with whom solitude had not yet bocomt source of enjoyment more dependent on me foi tht: resources of an agreeable companionship. An intimacy soon sprung up between Ellen and J, which increased to such a height, that when ever my official duties we re closed for the weok, 1 invariably hastened over to the enchanting solitude of Bellevue. The spot was indeed a paradise, and Ellen was its Eve. This young creature just emerging from girl- bcxxl, was exquisitely beautiful in face and figure; full of *utk> hie * a summer wisd; oi a fond confiding li> NEW disposition j artless and playful as a Lamb L, rxnng, in fact, wholly made up of sensibility. Oh, aow different were her good sense and simplicity from the nordmat vanity of my first v/ife, 3r ttoe ?tern cold avarice of rny second! Neither of these had ever engaged aiy affec tions; the connection on both sides originated solely in interested motives, but Ellen was all disinterested ness. She loved me for myself alone. And no wonder, foi 1 am a handsome fellow, afcd I care not who knows it. Miss Mahon and 1 were much together; yet, strange to tell, notwithstanding such favorable opportunities, I .-oiild DDt bring myself to turn them to account. Fission and principle kept perpetually clutching at my heartstrings whenever any thing like an avowal of love rosn to my lips. Meantime, scarce a day elapsed but i found some excuse or other for making my appearance at tfeilevue. I had always a new book to lend or to borrow, a new political topic to discuss with Mr. Mahon, or a new speech to read over to him. On these occasions, a bed was always at my service, and, after dinner, when papa dropped asleep in iiis arm-chair, Ellen and I would in dulge in a commonplace tete-a-tete, or a more express ive silence; for, as my conscience would not allow me to betray myself by my tongue, I had nothing left for it but to discourse with my ayes. Sometimes, when the weather permitted, we would take a stroll togetheralong the glsn, or rouna by some iojiantic rocks. In the evening the music-room was our usual place of resort, for Ellen s harp was always *:.l hand, and there was a certain something m the Act ot tinging and listening that accorded woudrously weil with the inclinations of both parties. \Vhen the summons to tea hurried us from the music-room, Mr. Mahon, invigorated by his brief snatch of sleep, would join us, and then politics would usurp the p. ace of sentiment, ana the night would b wound up by a game at chess, or backgammon, m botb A whicu fc.r.s iioet deiigbted, the more so, ^ i .uv i t r row rairaras, * point of being beaten; with a nattering show of reluctance; or should Mr. Flannaghan, which h* frequently did, dror> in, we would engage in a sober rubber at whist, till it was time to retire to bed. We may bo singular in our wisdom; but there is no fear of our standing atone in our folly. Even Gibbon bent the knee to love; why, then, should I hesitace to plead guilty to the delicate indictment. In tnis delicious state of intoxication, then passed the only happy fortnight I have ever known a fort night of such full rare sunshine, that it brought all my dormant virtues into blossom. But, alas 1 My sun had attainrd its meridian, and was already journeying westward. "Well, Q Blarney," said Mr. Flannagnan, calling unexpectedly one morning at my lodgings, while I was busy making additions to my private journal, "any new** to-day? What say the Dublin papers ?" " Nothing of moment. The truth is, O EUrney, k don t half like these inflammatory articles of yours. That mischief-making Kelly is already talking about the necessity of proclaiming the district. " Why you have cooled down of late Mr. Flanna- ghan," said I, with an arch smile. " I have no longer a taste for patriotic martyrdom. Besides, Kelly, who is not without influence he^, ; .s so enraged with me on account of that foolish quarrel the other night " " Well, then, if Kelly still cherishes anger towards you, it is solely because you were the means of making me known here. He has already been heard publbly to declare, that he will not rest till he has reduced me to what he calls my level." " Well, no matter; so long as you keep within the limits of discretion. I do not ask you to cry enough, but simply to take care. But I am forgetting the object of my visit, which was to ask you, as 1 suppose you have finished your labor for the week, to accompany me over to BeUevue. 114 STEW FRIENDS. " Nothing will give me greater pleasure," I replied Then let us be off at once; for the weather at this season of the year is not to he dependent upon from one moment to another," and he hurried me from the room, with such extreme impatience that in the haste and confusion of the moment I left my MS journal open on my desk. When \ve reached Bellevue, we found Mr. Mahon bird at work in his garden, and Ellen with her bonnet on, just preparing to go out. Leaving the two gentle men together, I offered my services as an escort to Miss Mahon, which she readily accepted, and we wandered away for two or three hours. Jn the course of the evening Mr. Flannaghan and hia host sat down to their wonted game of backgammon while Ellen and myself flew off to the piano. Among the airs, "Has Sorrow Thy Young Days Shaded ?" particularly caught my fancy; whereupon Ellen sung it for me with a sweetness and simplicity that 1 have never heard surpassed rarely equalled. When she had finished sinking, " Miss Mahon," said I, "you are fast spoiling me tor my duties, by bidding me lose all sense of public injury in that of private happiness. Oh! she replied, laughingly, "if you are to be di verted from your path by every will-o -the-wisp that may happen to flit across it, there is little left in you for me to spoil. But, tell me, what do you think of this last ballad of Moore s? fi Though tender and plaintive, it is too monotonous. I am loathe to speak against Moore; yet you must allow, Miss Mahon, that, as a national poet, he has defects, and great ones too?" "Indeed; but I will allow no such thing." " What is all this you are talking about?" said Mr. Flannaghan, rising up from the game which he had just finished, and advancing towards us. "Oh, nothing of consequence, sir,* replied Ellen; M we were merely chatting about Moore." AJ9 UNEXPECTED VISITOR. 115 " So I could have sworn. Whenever two or three jroung folks are clustered together about a piano, Moore is always sure to be the theme oi their discourse. But come, we must be going, O Blarney; it s later than I supposed;" and accordingly we took leave of our hosts, and returned together to Ballinabrogue. CHAPTE& XXV. A>? UNEXPECTED VISITOR. When I reached my room, the first thing I learned from the servant who sat up to let me in was, that a lady had called who refused to give her name; but, mentioning that she was an old acquaintance, had re quested to be shown up-stairs, where she remained full naif an hour, till finding that I did not return, -she de parted, leaving word that she would take an early op portunity of repeating her visit. Concluding, from the servant s description of the strange female, that she was Mr. J lannaghan s maiden Gister, who now and then did me the honor of a visit; but whom my informant had not yet seen, I took no further notice of the circumstance, but burned to bed. (Xe tine evening, after an early dinner, Mr. Mabon. who chanced to be in better spirits than u^ual, accurn- panied Ellen and myself in one of our favorite strolls. Our road, selected oy him, lay through a narrow rocky p*iss, which opened, at the distance ot about a quartei of a mile, upon a tolerably expansive valley, which wa." closed in on every side by ranges of sloping hills. The pass was one that would have done credit even to the Highlands. It was narrow, deep sunk, and walled in on both sides by a rampart of rocks. When we reached this romantic spot, which was ren dered still more impressive t>y the fitful shadows of evening, Mr. Mabou halted, and turning round to me 116 A3 UNEXPECTED VTSITOB. (foi T was close behind him, with Ellen leaning on rny arm), said, "Ellen will tell you that this is a <lui ; MI- social spot, fit only to inspire abhorrence." " And indeed so it is, papa," replied the lively girt, " What a gloom these frowning rocks fling down upon us! JSo bird ever sings here, for the poor thing would be startled at the sound of ite own voice. Pray let us hasten on to the valley. " But listen, Miss Ellen, your old friend the night-owl i* beginning his song again," I observed. " Aly friend! No, uo, he is too dismal a songster for me. Owls are fit only to be listened to by grave phil osophers, or crabbed politicians, or gentlemen who have no ear for the melody of Moore s verses. Now, don t look so cross; you know it is quite impossible I can mean you." Thus chatting, we mended our pace, and soon reached the extremity of the pass. Ellen insisted on toy admiring the various beauties of the valley. Mr. Mahon proposed a return home, lor a brisk wind nurried before it such heavy masses of clouds as betokened an inclement night. Accordingly, I drew Ellen s arm closer within mine, while her father preceded us by a few yards; and, led i>n by the enchanting frankness and familiarity of her mariner, which had been gradually assuming a more flattering character towards me forgetting, also, in the impulse of the moment, all my virtuous resolves I seized the favorable opportunity, at once avowed ny love, and but why dwell on the painful topic? Suffice it to say, that the trembling arm of the gentle listener the half-averted face, and low, deprecating voice, struggling to conceal what the heart toe strongly felt, convinced me that I had not pleaded m vain. No sooner had my declaration escaped me, and Ellnn some indistinct words of reply, than, aa if awakened to the embarrassment of bci she insisted on my joining her fathar wi made the best of our way h*ck AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR. 117 towards the pass, where Mr. Mahon stool wm ting for us, when, just as wo had reached its dark rocky portal, we were startled by the sound of footsteps, and, at the same instant, a female figure of most for bidding aspect, started up right before our path. I know not why it was, but my spirits sunk as I beheld this intruder, who, fixing her eyes full on me, as if she would have blasted me with their lightning glance, disclosed the countenance of my first wife, Catharine that wife whom I had quarrelled with, and quitted, my first love. From the expression of my wife s countenance, 1 saw at once that I was recognized; nothing, therefore, I felt persuaded, was to be done, but to make up my mind for a scene; so, summoning my utmost presence of mind, I addressed myself to Mr. Mahon: "I think we had better hasten on, the sky looks threatening, and if we loiter here, we may be caught in a storm." "You are right; but stay, let us hear what this stranger has to say for herself. "Oh! yes, she is a poor maniac," I replied, catching p.t the first wild random idea that crossed my brain, as a drowning man catches at a straw, whom I have met occasionally in my walks from Ballinabro^ue to Bclle- vue, and who, because I have relieved ner once or twice, and thereby established a sort of claim on her attention, imagines, unhappy creature! that we aro bound together. Would you believe it, sir!" 1 added, in the same under-tone, "she has actually got a strange whim into her head that I am her husband! Ver) ridiculous, isn t it?" But my wife, who had hitherto stood at a shgb\ distance, with all her jealous feelings aroused into action by the sight of Ellen s youthful countenance ami figure, was resolved I should not escape exposure; so. planting herself right before Mr. Mahon, she exclaimed, "But one word, sir but one word, as " "Poor tiling!" said Mr. MaLon, waving her from the path, anil &t the same time preparii^j to move on. 113 AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR. "I do not ask your pity, sir," she replied, "1 ask only your justice. Hear me, Mr. Manon; not one inch will I stir from this spot until I have exposed the real character of that man who stands beside you." "Catharine," said I, letting go Ellen s arm, and advancing close up to my wife, "if you have been wronged, roly on it 1 will see you righted." "Righted! yes, when disgrace and ruin "Hush! Catharine, not so loud. Why should we expose our domestic differences to strangers? For give but the past, and anything every thing you may demand, I will at once agree to. Come, let us be friends. Has Juliet so soon forgotten Romeo?" "Friends!" she replied, with a loud voice and flash ing eye, "yes, when ruin stares you in the -face, then from every apprehension you will do me justice. But mark me, sir! I seek other justice than you can afford to bestow. Mr. Mahon," she added, turning to that gentleman, whose suspicions began to be aroused, "that man whom you have so prematurely called your friend, was nay, is still, my husband!" Ellen here earnestly besought her father to proceed, which drew down on her a cutting reproach from my wife; till, finding that Mr. Mahon seemed disposed to. lend a favorable ear to whatever explanation she might have to offer, she somewhat softened her tone, and proceeded to detail the history of her first acquaintance .vith me of our subsequent marriage and departure for the Continent; of the frequent altercations that had taken place between us at Xaples in every one of which I, of course, was represented as the sole party in fault; of my abandonment of her, and her own consequent return to Mollyrnoreen, where she found Mr. O Brien at the last gasp; and of the solemn vow she had made to apply what sums remained to her from the wreck of his fortune in exploring every quarter of Ireland, for the purpose of discovering and denouncing me. Bearing in mind the profession to which I originally .FOUND -AT LAST. 119 belonged, and thinking it far from unlikely that neces sity might have compelled me to resume it, she made a point, at every town she visited, of first directing her attention to the theater. But all her inquiries were fruitless; not a single manager, of the number to whom she applied, could give her the slightest information of my "whereabouts." Vexed at her ill-luck, she returned to Mollymoreen, where she lived for some time secluded, a prey to chagrin; when one day, as she was passing by the theater, she suddenly encountered an individual, whose features, she imagined, were not altogether unknown to her. The stranger seemed equally surprised at so unexpected an encounter, and addressing her by the name of Fitzgerald, made himself know to her as the actor who had been the main instrument in forwarding her marriage with me. CHAPTER XXVI FOUND AT LAST. This led to further inquiries, when the fellow of course, unacquainted with all the circumstances of our subsequent estrangement frankly informed her that he had seen her husband but a short time before, in one of the boxes of the theater at Ballinabrogue! " From this moment," said she, " I felt inspired with new life; the certainty that I had, at length, revenge within my grasp gave me the first sensation of joy that I had known since I quitted Naples; and, hurrying without an hour s delay to Ballinabrogue, I laid my whole case before a magistrate, by name Kelly " "Kelly !" said I, unable longer to control my agita tion. "Yes, Kelly," resumed my wife; "and at his express instigation, I took the opportunity of this wretch s 1? - , FOUND AT LAST. absence to rail a few da}^ since at his lodgings, and there make such inquiries as I thought might tend to substan tiate my case; nay, even to possess myself of certain docu ments which proved, not only that he was my husband, but the husband also of another woman in South Wales." By this time, I could not but see that all was over. My wife, it was clear, had perused my journal, which, on that disastrous morning, in my hurry to accompany Mr. Flannaghan to Bellevue, I had indeed left open on my desk. " Mark me, sir," she went on to say, " your hour is come! A letter has been despatched; ay, and an answer returned too, which proves your guilt beyond all question. Moreover," she added waving her hand to some figures, who now, for the first time, I perceived had been watching all our movements in the distance " here come those who wilt conduct you back to Ballin- abrogue, as such a wretch deserves to be conducted." It was but too true. To the astonishment of Mr. Mahon, his daughter s affright, and my extreme dis gust, three policemen, who must have been purposely concealed in the neighborhood, no sooner saw the sig nal, than, before I had time to arrange my thoughts, they rushed up and secured me without opposition. 1 resolved to venture on one final appeal to Mr. Mahon. But that gentleman was far too indignant to hear a wore!; and, drawing his daughter s arm, who was nearly fainting, poor girl, hastily through his, left me to the custody of the policemen; who, on our road back to Bal- li nab rogue, informed me, at my particular request, of a 1 1 the circumstances attending my detection. It seemed Mrs. Fitzmaurice oxpressed no unwillingness to bear evidence against me, provided she could be assured of reimbursement for traveling expenses, etc. As I listened to this statement, a gleam of hope shot athwart my soul. If my wife, thought I, refuse to come over, the main link of evidence will be wanting. But, alas Mr. Kelly volunteered to satisfy her demands. UNPLEASANT RESULTS. 121 CHAPTER XXVH UNPLEASANT RESULTS. A month had now elapsed since the events detailed in the last chapter, during which time scarce a day passed but I was busy in consultation with my attorney. As this person entered into my case with remarkable zeal, in the hope of gaining eclat by my acquittal, I was not without hopes of a favorite result; "in which case," saidjl, "so far from doing me injury, my trial may actually be productive of good; for my countrymen, who cannot but see that political motives have been at the bottom of it, will, no doubt, bear in mind that I am a sufferer in their cause, and recompense me for my sufferings by a handsome public subscription." This idea kept up my spirits during the protracted term of my imprisonment. The second day was the one appointed for my trial, the particulars of which, I shall take simply as I find them reported in the columns of my own journal. Strange that the very paper which had so long borne testimony to my patriotism, should be the very one to chronicle my disgrace ! "FrrzMAURiCE vs. O BLARNEY This long expected trial came on this morning. From an early hour the court was crowded to excess; in one corner of the court, close behind the jury-box, we, ourselves, counted not less than six individuals whose united ages amounted to upwards of four hundred and fifteen years! "The learned judge took his seat on the bench pre cisely at eleven o clock, when the prisoner, O Blarney, was ordered to be placed at the bar. The appearance of this young man is remarkably prepossessing. He is of middle size, and well proportioned with a face full of intelligence and sensibility. Tiare is nothing io 122 UNPLEASANT RESULTS. his look or manner to denote the criminal; indeed, there is an air of bashfulness about him. He was dressed in deep mourning, with a small shamrock sprig 1 in his waistcoat button-hole, just above his heart a modest and unassuming trait of patriotism,whieh seemed to produce quite a pathetic effect. Each of the jury having been duly sworn, Mr. Sheilly opened the case in the following energetic speech, " May it please your lordship, Gentlemen of the jury, Never in the discharge of my professional avocations did I rise with such painful feelings of embarrassment as oppress me on the present awful occasion. I have heard that no noxious insect can thrive in the consecrated soil of Erin. Alas 1 the sweltering reptile at the bar proves the fact a fiction. With these few remarks, wrung from me in the agony of my spirit, I proceed to lay before you the particulars of this heart-rending case. The plaintiff is a young lady of Mollymoreen, who resided, up to the period of her inauspicious nuptials, with a venerable and univer sally adored uncle. The name of this estimable individual was O Brien, and his niece bore the same patronymic. She was a lady of the highest accomplish" ments the most consummate beauty simple, unso phisticated and twenty-six slim, susceptible, and a spinster. In an evil hour, however, when her guardian genius slumbered at his post, it was her fate to descry, through an opera-glass from the dress-boxes of the Mollymoreen theater, the unparalleled prisoner at the bar. His person filled her with admiration, and he re ciprocated the sentiment. But, alas ! his love was not the inspiration of Cupid, but of Mammon. He fixed a fond gaze, not on the plaintiff s person, but on her purse. The plaintiff s guardian with the wary sagacity of age, soon fathomed the nature of the defendant s attachment. But his discovery was made too late . Finding this to be the case, Mr. O Brien had no other alternative left, than to sob forth a reluctant consent to tiie nuptials. UNPLEASANT RESULTS. 123 " Gentlemen, continued Mr. Sheilly, I shall now proceed without further comment, to the details of the prisoner s second marriage. This took place at Lland- warrys, in South Wales. The unoffending victim, was a lovely, intelligent widow, universally respected by all who had the honor of her acquaintance. Oh, that sorrow should have spared the infant bud, only to blight the full-blown blossom! Of the prisoner s two victims, I scarce know which most deserves your commiseration. The one was green and sportive spring; the other, the mellow and voluptuous autumn. But the defendant gave the perference to neither. " Gentlemen of the jury, you are fathers you are husbands you are men your are Christians and, by these sacred titles, I implore you to mark your sense of the prisoner s attrocity by a verdict which shall brand him, like Cain, with the stamp of imperishable infamy. The learned gentleman sat down amid the most vociferous acclamations from all parts of the court, which were so long continued as to awaken the vener able judge, who rubbing his eyes, and looking angrily about him, in the direction of the jury-box, exclaimed, Officer of the court, wake the foreman of the jury! after which the certificates of both marriages were put in, and Mr. Sheilly proceeded to call witnesses in corroboratio n of his statements, who were subjected to a rigid cross-examination. When the case for the prosecution had closed, my counsel arose for the defence. The following is as cor rect a report as we could give of the learned gentle man s speech, considering that he was inaudible at times, owing to the great confusion that prevailed throughout the court : " May it please your lordship, Gentlemen of the jury, I am well aware that to a certain extent judge ment must pass against my client. I mean not to deny the fact of his first, nor yet of his second, marriage; but this I will maintain, tLat notwithstanding the 124 FAREWELL! A LONG FAREWELL. eloquent vituperation of my learned friend, the evi dence you have this day heard proves that defendant has been far "more sinned against than sinning." In considering your verdict, gentlemen, I trust you will take this fact into your consideration. Besides, do not let it escape your attention, that this prosecution has at least as much to do with politics as justice. The magistrate Kelly, who takes such extraordinary pains to promote it, does so solely for political reasons. Oh, my beloved countrymen, when shall we be free from this galling chain? Where is there a lovelier climate? Oh, it galls me to the quick, to think that where God has been so bountiful, man has been so base! We were designed to be a nation we were designed to be happy we are miserable. " Gentlemen, I repeat my former statement, this prosecution is almost wholly political. "VYhen the learned gentleman had concluded, the venerable judge commenced summing up the evidence; after which, the jury returned a verdict of guilty: whereupon his lordship sentenced the prisoner to transportation for life. CHAPTER XXVLTL * FARE WELL! A LONG FAREWELL!" My narrative now draws to a close. After my trial J was conveyed back to prison. The Mahons had blotted me out of their recollec tion, and even Mr. Flaunaghan had abandoned me to my fate. The very peasantry, of whom I had so lately been the idol, treated me with equal indifference. Such is popularity! On the evening of the second day after my trial, as I was seated in my cell, companioned onlv by my cheer less thoughts, a letter was delivered to rae by the FAllEWELL ! A LONG FAltEWELL. 125 jailor. I saw that it was in the handwriting of my first wife; and concluding, that it might bo of a forgiv ing character, I hastily broke it open; but judge of my astonishment when I found that it consisted of only this one sentence! "You once called me old you were right, I am old far too old ever to hope to live long enough to wel come your return from transportation ! "CATHARINE." Oh, woman, woman! what a mystery is that heart of thine! One was enough to set all Troy in flames; can T wonder, then, that two have been my ruin? Who could have believed it possible that a sneer, thrown out in a hasty, thoughtless moment, should lead to such disastrous results ? Well, never again will I ven ture to call a woman old. Henceforth, she shall bloom an evergreen in my speech." Scarcely had I recovered from the astonishment into which the perusal of this vindictive communication had thrown me, when the door of my cell was again un locked, and the jailor entered, with the information that a lady was waiting without, who expressed a wish to be admitted into my presence. Pausing for a mo ment, I said, "I can guess who is the applicant, so show her in; she can not possibly treat me worse than her predecessor." The man accordingly quitted the room, and in a few minutes returned, leading in my second wife, Mrs. Fitzmaurice. I rose to greet her; Oh, Mr. Fitz O Blarney, how could you have the heart to use me so? Such a wife as I always was to you ! And to think you would run away and leave me with a horrid Irish name that does not belong to either of us!" "If you felt so much for me as you say, why did you appear against me?" "Because my brother and all Llandwarrys insisted on it I was told that it was the only way I could clear my character in the eyes of the world. The attorney, too, kept constantly telling me that if 136 FAREWELL 1 A LONQ FAREWELL. I did not come over, the law would compel me to do so. In fact, the whole town cried shame on you! with the exception of the undertaker, who always stood your friend. But I think I can partly guess the reason of that." " Pray, come to the point, and tell me the object of this visit." " AY^ell, then," rejoined my wife, drawing a small Bible from her pocket, and placing it in my hands, "though I know you think I have come to upbraid you yet, believe me, I came here with the kindest intentions merely to present you with this volume, in the hope that it may be the means of bringing you to a proper sense of your condition. You will do me the justice to remember that I always prophesied ycur ruin. Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! To think that a woman at my time of life should be so situated as scarcely even to know her own name ! In this strain, Mrs. Fitzmaurice con tinued for the best part of half an hour, when our con ference was terminated by the ringing of the prison- bell, which was the signal for the departure of all visit ors, and the locking-up of the jail. She moved towards me for the purpose of bidding me farewell; I could see her hand shake, and her counte nance visibly alter. She struggled to conceal her feel ings; but the effort was beyond her power. I could see tears real tears rolling down her cheeks. I tried to speak, but could not; so there I stood, rooted to the floor, with my wife s cold hand fast locked in mine. "Come, come," said the jailor, " this will never do. I am sorry for the poor woman, but she must turn out. It s as good as my place is worth, to let her remain here after lock-up hours." " Good-by, then," said my wife, " God bless you, I forgive you from the very bottom of my heart;" and so saying, she hurried towards the door; but just as she reached it, stopped, turned once more round, then tore herself away, and the door closed on her forever. It was on a charming summer morning, that the most FAREWELL 1 A LONG FAREWELL, 127 aggrieved patriot that ever quitted the Irish shores stepped on board the vessel that was to waft him to a new world. "Oh, Erin!" I exclaimed, I have sacri ficed my all in your behalf; and I am rewarded with banishment. Had I acquired titles, or heaped up riches, you might justly have distrusted my zeal; but I have neither pension nor peerage; nay, I quit your service poorer than when I entered on it. Such was ever the patriot s lot ! Belisarius begged his bread, and I am driven forth to herd with the kangaroos of Australia! But bashfulness first sowed the seeds of my ruin, and patriotism has since reaped the harvest. Ye, whom I may perchance have wronged, be content; ye have now an ample revenge. Ye, who have unques tionably wronged me, be content also; from my inmost soul I forgive you." Just as I concluded this touching soliloquy, I cast my eyes toward the shores of my native land, and I felt that I had seen green Erin for the last time. The " Bashful Irishman " is concluded; and the auto- biographer himself, his task accomplished, vanishes into thin air. I am now happy as possible for one to be under my present difficulties and can only advise all people to overcome their bashfulness, if they CMJ. List of Rooks In THE FAVORITE EDITION. \vitli tills Book. Sold by all Dealers. Uniform No. 1. At War with Herself. Dora Thorne. 2. Allan Quartermain. Haggard. 8. Ac Bay. Alexander. [Albums. 4. Album Verses for Autograph 5. Adventures of an Old Maid, (ireene. 6. Adventures of a Bashful Irishman. T. As in a Looking-Glass. Philips. 8. Bound by a Spell. Conway. 9. By Woman s Wit. Mrs. Alexander. 10. Beaton s Bargain. Mrs. Alexander. 11. Battle for Bread. Talmage. 12. Broken Heart, A. Dora Thorne. 13. Bad Boy at Home, The. Gray. 14. Bad Boy Abroad, The. Gray. 15. Bad Boy and his Sister. 16. Buffalo Bill. Ned Buntline. 17. Brother against Brother. Mustek. IS. Beyond Pardon. Dora Thorne. 19. Bright Wedding Day. Dora Thorne. 20. Broken Wedding Ring. 21. Crimson Stain. Bradshaw. 22. Bede s Charity. Stretton. 23. Called Back. Comvay. 24. Circumstantial Evidence. Conway. 25. Cardinal Sin, A. Conway. 26. Cobwebs and Cables. Stretton. 27. Dark Days. Conway. 28. Dawn. Haggard. 29. Duchess, The. The Duchess." 80. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 81. Detective Trio, The. Taylor. 32. Dark Marriage Morn, A. S3. Dora Thorne. Brame. 34. Drops of Blood. Curry. 85. Donald Dyke, the Detective. 36. Dangerous Marriage, A. Fothergill. 37. Eureka Recitations. 1st Series. 88. Eureka Recitations. 2d Series. 89. EastLynne. Wood. 40. Ed. Sommers, the Detective. 41. False Vow, The. Dora Thorne. 42. File No. 115. A Detective Story. 43. From Out the Gloom. 44 Fatal Wedding, A. Dora Thorne. 45. Fallen Idol, A. Anstey. 46. Family Affair, A. Conway. 47. Fun for All. Greenway. 48. Good News. By Jones and Small. 49. Gipsy Blair, the Detective. 50. Garfleld, Life and Death of J. A. 51. Guilty River, A. Collins. 62. Hilda s Lover. Dora Thorne. 53. House Party. "Ouicla." 54. Harry Pinkerton, the Detective. 55. Her Martyrdom. Dora Thorne. 56. Her Marriage Vow. Dora Thorne. 57. Her Second Love. Dora Thorne. 58. Haunted Chamber. "The Duchess." 59. History of the U. S. Childs. 60. Hand-Book of Information. 81. In Thraldom. Mead. $2. In Prison and Out. Stretton. 63. Joyful Tidings. Jones and Small. 64. Jess. Haggard. J. S. OGILVIE 67 Rose Street, New York; No. 65. Janet s Repentance. Eliot. CO. King Solomon s Mines. Haggard. 67. Lady Valworth s Diamonds. 68. Lost and Found. Elmore. 69. Love s Conflict. Dora Thorn*. 70. Luke Darby, the Detective. 71. Lord s Purse-Bearer, The. 72. Living or Dead. Conway. 73. Mental Struggle, A. 74. Mrs. Hopkins on Her Travels. 75. Mohawks. Braddon. 76. Miss Jones Quilting. 77. Merry Men, The. Stevenson. 78. Me; A companion to "She. 79. Missing Will, The. Conway. 80. Married in Haste. Dor?. Thorne. 81. Midnight Marriage. Holmes. 82. Macon Moore, the Southern Detective. 83. Modern Circe, A. "Tue Duchess." 84. Mrs. Rasher s Curtain Lectures. 85. Not Forsaken. Giberne. 86. Nellie, the Clockmaker s Daughter 87. Nancv Hartshorn at Chautauqua. 88. Ned Bachman, the New Orleani Detective. 89. Ogilvie s Popular Recitations. 90. Only a "VVoman s Heart. Young. 91. One against Many. Dora Thorue. 92. Ostler Joe and other Recitations. 93. One Thousand Popular Quotations 94. Phil Scott, the Detective. 95. Pomfret Mystery, The 96. People s Etiquette Book. The. 97. People s Cook Book. The. 98. Paradise Almost Lost. Shaw. 99. Perdita. Ella Wheeler Wilcox. 100. Repented at Leisure. 101. Slings and Arrows. Conway. 102. Story of a Sculptor. Conway. 103. Secrets of Success. Donovan. 104. "She." Haggard. 105. Sunshine and Roses. 106. Seven Days in a Pullman Car. 107. Sheer Off. A. L. O. E. 108. Sketches from "Texas Sittings." 109. Shadowed by a Detective. 110. Ten Days with D. L. Moody. 111. Tale of Three Lions, A. Haggard. 112. Thorns and Orange Blossoms. 113. Two Thousand Funny Things. 114. Twelve Complete Stories. 115. Three Thousand Things Worth Knowing. [Reading-. 116. Two Hundred Recitations a1 117. Vice Versa. Anstey. 118. Witch s Head, The. Haggard. 119. Wedding Ring, The. Talmage. 120. Wife s Honor, A. Young. 121. Woman s Vengeance, A. Holmel 122. W T oman Against Woman. " 123. Wedded and Parted. 124. Wife in Name Only. 125. Woman s Temptation, A. Publisher f Wabash Avenue, Chicago* THE FAVORITJE EDITION Continued. 1*4. WIFE IN NAME ONLY By "Author of Dora Thome." 1^5. WOMAN S TEMPTATION, A By "Author of Dora Thome." 126. WOMAN: HER POWER AND PRIVILEGES By Rev. T. DeWitt Talmage. 127. NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD.. By Prof. II. Drummond. 128. DAVID COPPERFIELD. Vol.1 By Charles Dickens. 129 DAVID COPPERFIELD Vol. 2 By Charles Dickens. 130. MONA S CHOICE By Mrs. Alexander. 131. CELL 13 By Edwin H. Trafton. 132. A LIFE INTEREST By Mrs. Alexander. 133. FOR HIS BROTHER S SAKS. By a Popular Author. 134. A WOMAN S FACE ,.. By Florence Warden. 133. A YOUNG VAGABOND ,.., By Z. R. Bennett. 136. MR. MEESON S WILL By H. Rider Haggard. 13?. THE LAMPLIGHTER , By Maria S. Cummins. 138. UNDER-CURRENTS By "The Duchess." 139. MISS BRETHERTON By Author of " Robert Elsmere." 140. THE WORLD OF CANT A Companion Book to Robert Elsmere." 141. DOCTOR GLENNIE S DAUGHTER By B. L. Farieon. 142. TOM BROWN S SCHOOL DAYS AT RUGBY By Thomas Hughes. 143. THE MYSTERIOUS. ISLAND By Jules Verne 144. GRIMM S FAIRY TALES. 145. TOUR OF THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS By Jules Verne. 146. 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA By Jules Verne. 147. GULLIVER S TRAVELS By Dean Swift. 148. PILGRIM S PROGRESS, Illustrated ByBunyan. 149. THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON. 150. ROBINSON CRUSOE By Daniel Defoe . 151. AESOP S FABLES, 100 Illustrations. 152. HANS ANDERSEN S FAIRY TALES. 150 Illustrations. 153. THE ARABIAN NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS. 154. THROWN ON THE WORLD By " Author of Dora Thorne." 155. TWO FAIR WOMEN By "Author of Dora Thorne." 156. A HEART S IDOL By "Author of Dora Thorne." 157. THE DUKE S SECRET By "Author of Dora Thorne." 158. ONE HUNDRED PRIZE DINNERS: How to Provide a Dinner for Four 159. ADVENTURES OF MISS VOLNEY By Ella Wheeler Wilcoi. 160. A CLOSE CALL By J. L. Berry. 161. A DOUBLE LOVE By Olive P. Fairchild. 162. MYSTERY OF A HANSOM CAB by Fergus W. Hume. 163. PLAYING WITH FIRE By Gay Parker. 164. MR. PERKINS OF NEW JERSEY By Gay Parker. 165. MADAME MIDAS By Fergus W. Hume. 166. A MILLIONAIRE S FOLLY By "Le Jemlys." 167. THE TRAIL OF THE BARROW By James Mooney. 168. FIFTEEN DETECTIVE STORIES By Police Captains of New York. 169. IVANHOE By Sir Walter Scott. 170. ROBERT ELSMERE, VOL. 1 By Mrs. Humphry Ward . 171. ROBERT ELSMERE, VOL. 2 By Mrs. Humphry Ward. 172. THE STORY OF AN AFRICAN FARM By Ralph Iron . 173. POEMS By "The Long Island Farmer Poet." 174. FROM FARM BOY TO SENATOR By Horatio Alger, Jr. 175. CLEOPATRA By H. Rider Haggard. 176. CHILD S HISTORY OF ENGLAND By Charles Dickens. 177. LAST DAYS OF POMPEII By Bulwer. 178 A CROOKED PATH By Mrs. Alexander. 179 THADDEUS OF WARSAW By Jane Porter. 180 FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON , , , By Jule* Vera* University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 305 De Neve Drive - Parking Lot 17 Box 951388 LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90095-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. A 000 548 839