o o Vo 
 
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 EMANUEU? 
 ILUUSTRATEDBlf! 
 
 CECIL ALDI^f 
 
 LONDON: BRABBUKT- AGNEV 6| CO • LiniTED
 
 
 ^ ('^'K^'Ciy^ 
 
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 THE DOGS OF WAR
 
 By the same Author 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY CECIL ALDIN 
 
 ■icth Thousand 
 
 '"• '"'"" A DOG DAY 
 
 "The tonl..t dog book Iha. h.. .v.t app.Ted. ■-iiv.r/.o.l 
 
 Mercury „. 
 
 '"A Dog Day' is delightful." -Twes 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY CECIL ALDIN 
 
 znd Edition 
 
 THE SNOB 
 
 : ' A Dog Day ' was good, but this is much heiie^rspcctator 
 •A unique and delightfully amusing book.' -BooAman 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY JOHN HASSALL 
 ind Edition 
 
 THE ZOO— A SCAMPER 
 
 •• A delicious book."— E^tf/"-"! „ Mr Fmannel 
 
 tion in P«*«c'» every week."-A/««c;t.s(.. Courier
 
 THE ATTACK ON "THE LUMP OF FAT.
 
 The DOGS OF WAR 
 
 WHEREIN THE HERO-WORSHIPPER POR- 
 TRAYS THE HERO AND INCIDENTALLY 
 GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF THE GREAT- 
 EST DOGS' CLUB IN THE WORLD, 
 
 By WALTER EMANUEL 
 
 WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
 
 CECIL ALDIN 
 
 BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO., LTD., 
 
 lOj BouvERiE Street, London, E.C. 
 
 ■ J » » J J J J 
 
 • » ' » > > J ' , 
 
 ' 1 J J 
 
 J » J J 
 
 1 1 > t ) 
 
 » 3 * > >
 
 Copyright, 1906, /« the United States of America 
 by Charles Scribner's Sons. 
 
 BRADBURY, AGKEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. 
 
 • • • • 
 • « • * • 
 
 
 • • • 
 
 • " • • 

 
 
 TO THE HERO-WORSHIPPER WHOM I LOVE DEARLY 
 IN SPITE OF HIS NOT THINKING MUCH OF ME. 
 
 W. K.
 
 CD 
 
 3 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Why the Book is Written 
 My Early Life . 
 
 Town 
 
 I Meet the Captain . 
 
 The Captain's Parents 
 
 The Captain gives me some Advice 
 
 The Captain makes a Dog of me . 
 
 I BECOME' the Captain's chosen Companion 
 
 The Captain confers on me a coveted Distinction 
 
 The Dogs of War 
 
 My Fellow-Clubmen 
 
 CM 
 
 a. 
 ui 
 
 CO 
 
 or 
 t-u 
 or 
 
 CO 
 
 The Map 
 
 Internal Disputes 
 
 Personal Matters 
 
 Concerning Toys 
 
 Concerning Foreigners and other Undesirables 
 
 War 
 
 The Danger of Words with Two Meanings . 
 Our Sunday Conversaziones .... 
 The Pretty Wit of the Captain . 
 The Dog Show Tale 
 
 PAGE 
 
 3 
 
 7 
 II 
 
 15 
 
 23 
 
 27 
 
 35 
 
 39 
 
 47 
 
 51 
 
 59 
 67 
 
 75 
 85 
 91 
 99 
 I eg 
 121 
 
 125 
 129 
 
 135 
 
 •if H. >V V-- ft > ■»■ > 
 
 'rJi-'^-
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 The Looney 
 
 The ^U.^•- Hater 
 
 The Captain's Attitude to Humans 
 The Great Food Question 
 
 My People 
 
 Smith 
 
 The Captain .^_nd the Fair Sex 
 Further Fine Qualities of the Captain 
 The End ...... 
 
 Postscript 
 
 PAGE 
 
 H3 
 
 151 
 155 
 175 
 185 
 199 
 
 215 
 219 
 
 227 
 
 241
 
 WHY THE BOOK IS WRITTEN
 
 WHY THE BOOK IS 
 WRITTEN 
 
 I AM getting an old dog now, and infirm, 
 and, before my powers fail me, I wish to 
 set down all I remember of the Captain, 
 that the World may see what it lost in 
 him. 
 
 Never was there such a dog as the Captain, 
 and never again shall we see the like of him. 
 That I was fortunate enough to be his trusted 
 intimate was the one great privilege of my 
 life. Such friendship as is only possible be- 
 tween members of the sterner sex was ours. 
 The Captain was all-in-all to me. When the 
 Captain lived, I lived. When the Captain 
 died, I died. Since he left us, I have merely 
 existed. 
 
 Any good that there may be in me I owe 
 to the Captain. 
 
 5t B 2
 
 WHY THE BOOK IS WRITTEN 
 
 Had the Captain not been cut off in the 
 prime of his life, he might have risen to any 
 position. What an intellect was his I
 
 MY EARLY LIFE
 
 MY EARLY LIFE 
 
 YSELF, I come of a very old Norfolk 
 family, but one which has never 
 been notable for brains, however 
 much it may have distinguished 
 
 ^tAv^f'i 
 
 OF ME THEY COULD NOT EVEN MAKE A SPORTSMAN. 
 
 itself in the world of sport. Of me they could 
 not even make a sportsman. They tried to 
 train me to fetch game, but failed to teach me. 
 My brief life in the country was very unhappy, 
 
 7
 
 MY EARLY LIFE 
 
 and the wonder is that I did not have all the 
 spirit beaten out of me, for the game-keepers 
 were as cruel as they were ignorant. Fortu- 
 nately they gave me up as a bad job before 
 it was too late, and I was sent to Town. 
 
 8
 
 TOWN
 
 TOWN 
 
 TO one who has lived in the quiet 
 country, Town, at first, is over- 
 whelming. My new master and mis- 
 tress seemed inclined to be kind to 
 me, but, after the treatment to which I had 
 been accustomed, it was long before I could 
 get over my mistrust of humans of any sort. 
 And the first time they took me out for a walk 
 in the crowded streets I wished myself dead. 
 To me it was a new form of torture. The 
 traffic! Never had I seen anything so pro- 
 digious, and so dangerous. It amuses me, 
 with my present hearty contempt of it all, 
 to think that I should ever have been so simple. 
 For quite a week my brain reeled whenever 
 I was in the streets, and I was as one in a 
 dream, and if my mistress had not kept a close 
 eye on me. Heaven knows what would have 
 become of me. I dreaded going out, and I had 
 
 to be dragged the first part of the journey. The 
 
 II 

 
 TOWN 
 
 motor-cars and the horses filled me with terror. 
 All, for me, had but one object, and that was to 
 run over me. I saw myself being used as a 
 football by the horses, while they kicked me 
 from one to the other, with horrible grating 
 laughs. No dog could survive for long, I felt 
 sure, and, in my ignorance, I thought that 
 
 the butchers' shops 
 and the fur stores 
 explained what be- 
 came of us after 
 death, and the sight 
 of them turned me 
 cold. Once when a 
 fire-engine tore past 
 me I frankly fainted. 
 A mere look from another dog would throw 
 me into a palsy. And then there were the 
 tradesmen's boys, who, seeing that I was 
 nervous, would shout at me, at which I would 
 run off at full speed with my tail between my 
 legs, and baskets and things would be thrown 
 after me. The town streets dazed me. As I said, 
 although these terrors were very vivid at the time, 
 it now fills me with amusement to recall them. 
 
 12 
 
 A MERE LOOK FROM ANOTHER DOG WOULD 
 THROW ME INTO A PALSY.
 
 I MEET THE CAPTAIN
 
 I MEET THE CAPTAIN 
 
 IT was the Captain who cured me of my 
 traffic-funk. 
 I remember well my first meeting with 
 him. He belonged to some relatives of 
 my master, who lived in the neighbourhood. 
 One day my master took me to see these 
 relatives. On entering the house, I was terri- 
 fied to find another dog there, for at that time 
 I had a wholesome dread of all town dogs, 
 and I even tried to run away. However, my 
 master held me, and called the strange dog, 
 and patted both of our heads, and said, 
 " Now, you two, you're going to be friends. 
 You won't hurt one another, I know." I 
 recollect thinking that the latter part of the 
 statement might be true about me, but I was 
 not so sure about the stranger. My master 
 then left us, and I trembled slightly. 
 
 I recollect, also, that my first impression of 
 
 15
 
 I MEET THE CAPTAIN 
 
 the Captain was that he was an ugly dog. I 
 cannot understand how I came to be so mistaken, 
 and I have often reproached myself for it. But 
 even at that time, I remember, I was not so 
 
 t< 
 
 'k^ 
 
 M ^ 
 
 MV MASTER THEN LEFT OS, AND 1 TREMBLED SLIGHTLY. 
 
 stupid as not to be struck by a certain air of 
 distinction about him which I had noticed in 
 no other dog. 
 
 As a matter of fact, he was a dog who, though 
 of small stature, would attract attention in any 
 assemblage. 
 
 i6
 
 I MEET THE CAPTAIN 
 
 His face was the face of a setter, with 
 something of the dignity of a blood-hound, and 
 all the intelligence of a St. Bernard. His 
 body was a fox-terrier's, and his tail, like 
 his brain, his own. 
 
 ON HIS COAT WAS A MOST CLEVER DESIGN, IN BLACK, 
 OF A PUPPV KISSING A PIGEON. 
 
 Further, he was the only illustrated dog I 
 have ever met. On his coat was a most clever 
 design, in black, of a puppy kissing a pigeon, 
 and he would have been remarkable for this, if 
 for nothing else. 
 
 D.W. 
 
 17
 
 I MEET THE CAPTAIN 
 
 I should also mention his beautiful ultra- 
 marine eyes, which played havoc with the fair 
 sex. 
 
 HIS SUNNY SMILE I SHALL NOT ATTEMPT TO DESCRIBE. 
 
 His sunny smile I shall not attempt to 
 describe. 
 
 In two minutes we were friends, in five I 
 was his slave. 
 
 i8
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S PARENTS
 
 AS A PUP HE WAS KNOWN AS "THE LITTLE NIPPER."
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S PARENTS 
 
 SUBSEQUENTLY I learnt that the 
 Captain's father was an all-sorts dog 
 of a lively, though irresponsible nature. 
 His mother — and I think that this, 
 perhaps, is what unconsciously drew us to 
 one another — was a field-spaniel, like myself. 
 Curiously enough, there was not in the Captain 
 one single feature of either parent. But this 
 was only characteristic of the Captain's origi- 
 nality. His mother, I hear — and I can well 
 believe it — was a very sweet creature, and she 
 died beloved and respected by all who knew 
 her, both dogs and humans. Her end is said 
 to have been caused by the fact that, because 
 she was considered to have married beneath 
 her, she was brutally cut by her own relations. 
 Being of an exceptionally affectionate disposi- 
 tion, she pined away. The Captain was the 
 child of their old age, and I believe it not 
 
 23
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S PARENTS 
 
 infrequently happens that such offspring are 
 preternaturally sharp. As a pup he was known 
 as " The Little Nipper," and he was inde- 
 pendent of his mother in an exceptionally short 
 
 HE WAS INDEPENDENT OF HIS MOTHER IN AN EXCEPTIONALLY SHORT TIME. 
 
 time. When a mere stripling, great things were 
 prophesied for him. He was, all recognised, 
 a dog with a future. 
 
 24
 
 THE CAPTAIN GIVES ME SOME 
 
 ADVICE
 
 THE CAPTAIN GIVES ME 
 SOME ADVICE 
 
 AS I have said, almost from the first 
 moment of our meeting the Captain 
 and I were friends, and in a very 
 few minutes I found myself making 
 a confidant of him. We were, we discovered, 
 both orphans, and I think that was a bond 
 between us. I told him all about my unhappi- 
 ness, and my wretched nervousness, and instead 
 of chaffing me, as some fellows would have 
 done, he gave me good advice. He told me 
 that I was neurotic (which frightened me), and 
 advised me to eat as much meat as possible 
 (which pleased me). He pointed out how 
 foolish and dangerous it was for me to be 
 panic-stricken in the streets, and that I must 
 learn to keep a cool head. And he took some 
 
 pains to show me how unnecessary it was to 
 
 27
 
 THE CAPTAIN GIVES ME ADVICE 
 
 be afraid of horses. " Long noses," he called 
 them, contemptuously. 
 
 " Why, the poor devils cannot call their souls 
 their own," he said. " Note how they are forced 
 to keep to the roadway, and note how they submit 
 to it without a murmur. See, again, in what a 
 servile manner they will stop when a policeman 
 merely holds his hand up — realising, no doubt, 
 that they would get a rap on the nose from his 
 truncheon if they refused. Frequently I come 
 on a whole row of them drawn up like this, 
 and what do I do ? I stroll across the road in 
 front of them with what swagger I am capable 
 of, chaffing them as I go, and all that the silly 
 cattle do to show their irritation is to move 
 their ears about in a stupid way. Why, I would 
 rather be a motor-car than a horse any day. 
 Horses work the hair off their backs, and get 
 more kicks than halfpence for their pains. 
 The fools scarcely ever seem to think of pro- 
 testing. Last year ninety-two policemen were 
 bitten by dogs, but only six by horses. In this 
 world, if you want freedom, you must fight 
 for it." 
 
 How eloquent, and how true! And he told 
 
 28
 
 THE CAPTAIN GIVES ME ADVICE 
 
 me how to deal with the tradesmen's boys. 
 " Sniff and snarl at their ankles as though you 
 
 liie'ii ' 
 
 IT LL BE THEY WHO WILL RUN THEN. 
 
 dined off tradesmen's boy every day. It'll be 
 they who will run then." 
 
 And he gave me many other useful hints. 
 For instance, I told him of the difficulty I 
 
 29
 
 THE CAPTAIN GIVES ME ADVICE 
 
 experienced in running downstairs with humans 
 — how I always got in their way, or they in 
 mine. He showed me a capital method of 
 avoiding this. 
 
 " Treat the treads of the stairs, next to the 
 wall, as a dog-way. Humans never walk there, 
 and you will be safe from their unintentional 
 clumsiness." 
 
 It was a small matter, but the Captain's tip 
 made for comfort. And the Captain asked me 
 what my people fed me on. I told him, " Mainly 
 puppy biscuits." 
 
 "Nonsense!" said the Captain. ** A young 
 fellow of your age — over two, I should say ? " 
 
 " Fact," said I. 
 
 "Well, don't you put up with it," he said. 
 " No wonder you suffer from nerves." 
 
 " But how am I to stop it ? " I asked. 
 
 " Easy enough," answered the Captain; "re- 
 fuse to eat the P.B.'s." 
 
 "But then I shall starve," I said. 
 
 " Not a bit of it," said the Captain. " They 
 won't let a valuable dog like you starve." And, 
 by Jove, he was right ! In a couple of days 
 I had dog biscuits. 
 
 30
 
 ON MY WAV HOME I BARKED AT A TOWN CAT. 
 31
 
 THE CAPTAIN GIVES ME ADVICE 
 
 When the time came for my master to leave, 
 he actually had to drag me away from the 
 Captain, so disinclined was I to part with my 
 newly found friend, and I remember my master 
 was greatly amused at this. 
 
 "Well, good-bye, old fellow" (how the "old 
 fellow " pleased me !), said the Captain, and he 
 made arrangements to take me out one day. 
 " Meanwhile, buck up," were his parting words. 
 
 The Captain's inspiriting talk made me feel 
 a different dog, and on my way home I barked 
 at a town cat — and I still remember her look 
 of amused surprise. 
 
 32
 
 THE CAPTAIN MAKES A DOG 
 
 OF ME
 
 THE CAPTAIN MAKES A 
 DOG OF ME 
 
 THUS were the seeds sown of a friend- 
 ship which was only ended by the 
 grave. My meeting with the Captain 
 was the beginning of a new era in 
 my life — or, rather, I should say, the begin- 
 ning of my life. Almost from the first, when 
 I was in the Captain's company, the streets 
 ceased to have any terrors for me, and the day 
 came ultimately when not only did I not fear 
 any man, dog, or thing in the world, but when 
 most men, and all dogs and things, feared me. 
 Of course this came gradually. At first, not 
 even cats ran away from me. Then, to my 
 delight— which seems childish to me now — one 
 windy day a number of leaves in the road took 
 to flight when they saw me, then birds, then 
 cats. And, at length, a dog! 
 
 D.W. 35 D
 
 THE CAPTAIN MAKES A DOG OF ME 
 
 I have even barked defiantly at a whole 
 troop of mounted soldiery, any one of whom 
 
 AT LENGTH A DOG RAN 4.WAY FROM ME. 
 
 could have run me through, or shot me — had 
 he possessed the necessary pluck. 
 
 36 
 
 II
 
 I BECOME THE CAPTAIN'S CHOSEN 
 
 COMPANION 
 
 D 2
 
 I BECOME THE CAPTAIN'S 
 CHOSEN COMPANION. 
 
 I WAS now constantly in the Captain's 
 company, and, when I think of it, how 
 good and noble of him it was for a dog 
 in his position to consort with one who, 
 after all, at that time was a mere ignorant 
 yokel — a bumpkin. Never, I realised, could I 
 repay what I owed him, though I should try 
 to do so by a life-long devotion. He put me 
 on my legs. He showed me about town. But 
 for him, I, a simple countryman, would have 
 been victimised one hundred times, for the 
 Cockneys are a sharp race. 
 
 When I thanked him, he merely said, "I have 
 taken a fancy to you. Ears " — for that was the 
 nickname he gave me. 
 
 I soon discovered that the Captain was a 
 dog of immense influence, and the effect of his 
 
 39 
 
 • >»*y 
 
 'tir-ife'Wl^a/^J-'
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S CHOSEN COMPANION 
 
 friendship was instantaneous. When I first 
 came to town the natives cold-shouldered me. 
 As soon as it was noticed how much I was with 
 the Captain, a marked change took place. In- 
 numerable little dogs now paid me court — kow- 
 towed to me — as being a favourite of the 
 
 Captain. It was all 
 most pleasant. 
 
 Every morning, 
 before breakfast, I 
 would run round to 
 the Captain's, and 
 have a romp with 
 him in the big 
 garden at the back 
 of his house, where 
 dogs were forbidden. 
 And, nearly every 
 day, in addition to this, we would go for a long 
 walk together — for the Captain impressed on 
 me the importance of taking plenty of exercise to 
 keep oneself in condition. Sometimes I would 
 call for him, and sometimes he for me. It 
 was characteristic of the Captain that, although 
 
 I lived in a smaller house than he, he was 
 
 40 
 
 " THANKS, OLD FELLOW, BUT I DO NOT 
 SLUM."
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S CHOSEN COMPANION 
 
 /; 
 
 K V'^}^)/^ 
 
 superior to all silly social restrictions — so dif- 
 ferent from a conceited beast of a greyhound 
 whom, in my early 
 days, I once in- 
 vited to call and 
 who answered, 
 ''Thanks, old fel- 
 low, but I do not 
 slum." 
 
 I shall never 
 forget how excited 
 I was the first time 
 the Captain came 
 to my place, and 
 ate some of my 
 biscuits. I think 
 that if my people 
 had tried to turn 
 him out I would 
 have strewn the 
 house with their 
 corpses. 
 
 Some days, when it was raining, my people 
 would keep me in, and then I would sit looking 
 out of the window, and, as likely as not, the 
 
 41 
 
 CATCHING SIGHT OF HIM, I WOULD SET UP 
 SUCH A BARKING AND A FRISKING,
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S CHOSEN COMPANION 
 
 Captain would trot down for me, and then, on 
 catching sight of him, I would set up such a 
 barking and a frisking, that for the sake of peace 
 — thank Heaven, my master used to suffer from 
 neuralgia — I would soon be let out. And fre- 
 quently, at night-time, the Captain and I would 
 go cat-scaring together. 
 
 The Captain was the most entertaining of 
 companions, for he was so wonderfully well- 
 informed. He knew all about everything. His 
 astonishing accumulation of knowledge was 
 mainly due, he told me, to a habit his mistress 
 had of reading out the most interesting items 
 from the newspaper, at breakfast, to the rest of 
 the family. The Captain would always listen 
 attentively — in which respect, by the way, he was 
 more polite than the others. Thus it came about 
 that there was nothing you could ask the Cap- 
 tain which he could not answer. He knew all 
 the big words, and I still remember my delight 
 when he told me I was a "Quadruped," for I had 
 had no idea that I was anything so important. 
 Half-an-hour's conversation with the Captain was 
 a liberal education in itself, and whatever I have of 
 polish, and choice of diction, I owe to the Captain. 
 
 42
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S CHOSEN COMPANION 
 
 We were inseparables. Jealous dogs chaffed 
 us about our friendship and constant com- 
 
 I BECAME TO OTHER DOGS THE MOST FIERCE OF ANIMALS. 
 
 panionship, and asked us satirically when we 
 were going to get married, and my people 
 laughed at what they called my infatuation. 
 Let them laugh. They too were jealous. 
 
 43
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S CHOSEN COMPANION 
 
 The effect on me was most remarkable. In a 
 very short time you would not have recognised 
 in me the timid creature of yesterday. From 
 being a poltroon I became to other dogs the 
 most fierce of animals. I, who used to suffer an 
 insult in silence, would now let nothing pass. 
 And if any dog dared to say a word against the 
 Captain, by Jove, I'd murder him I Humans, 
 too, had to look after themselves. Once my 
 master dared to raise his hand against the 
 Captain because he scratched the front door ; 
 rightly enough, by the by, as the servant had 
 kept him waiting for upwards of five minutes. 
 When I saw my master catch hold of the 
 Captain, at first I could hardly believe my eyes. 
 To say the least, it was a disgraceful breach 
 of hospitality. Then my anger knew no bounds, 
 and I growled furiously, and it was only a 
 restraining look from the Captain which pre- 
 vented my biting my master all over. To the 
 Captain's generous views as regards humans 
 I shall refer later. After this incident the 
 Captain, who was always dignified, kept away 
 from the house for a month — and serve my 
 master jolly well right ! 
 
 44
 
 \ 
 
 \ 
 
 V 
 
 1 
 
 THE CAPTAIN CONFERS ON ME A 
 COVETED DISTINCTION
 
 THE CAPTAIN CONFERS ON 
 ME A COVETED DIS- 
 TINCTION 
 
 HE Captain was not slow to mark 
 the change in me, and eight weeks 
 after my first meeting him he made 
 me a member of his Club. 
 
 47
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR 
 
 THIS was the greatest distinction that 
 could be conferred upon a dog. My 
 gratitude knew no bounds, but all 
 that the Captain said in reply to 
 my protestations was, " I like you. Ears." 
 
 It was the most famous dogs' club in the 
 world. I need scarcely say that I refer to " The 
 Dogs of War " — known to our rivals as " The 
 Mongrelians," "The Hooligans," "The Gar- 
 goyles," and other sobriquets as insulting as they 
 are stupid. 
 
 This club, as is well known, was founded by 
 the Captain as a monument to his mother. The 
 Captain's mother, it will be remembered, made 
 a love match. She was considered, however, to 
 have married out of the pale, was cut by all 
 thorough-breeds, and fretted herself to death. 
 
 To avenge this heartless piece of snobbery, 
 The Dogs of War was formed. Its motto was 
 
 D.W. 51 E
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR 
 
 " Defiance not Defence," and all thorough-breeds 
 giving themselves airs were to be attacked on 
 
 sight. 
 
 The rules and regulations of the club were 
 many, and I do not propose to set them out at 
 length. In all of them the master-mind of 
 
 the Captain was 
 apparent. 
 
 Females and 
 children were in- 
 eligible for mem- 
 bership. A pro- 
 posal to form a 
 junior branch was 
 rightly rejected by 
 
 ^ 
 
 — ThJ 
 
 THE YOUNGSTERS WOULD BE MORE BOTHER 
 THAN THEY WERE WORTH. 
 
 the Captain. As 
 he pointed out, the 
 youngsters, with 
 their constant infantile ailments, would be more 
 bother than they were worth'. And, unless a 
 special dispensation — the word is the Captain's 
 — were obtained, the members must remain 
 bachelors. And no black dogs were admitted : 
 the line was drawn at coloured gentlemen. 
 
 The Captain alone chose the members. If 
 
 52 
 
 ,
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR 
 
 a likely young fellow applied to him, or were 
 introduced by a member, the Captain would 
 place the candidate on probation for a month. 
 During those four weeks the Captain would 
 receive reports on its habits and customs, and 
 would personally test it in many ways. For 
 instance, he would 
 meet one of the 
 little novices out 
 with its mistress. 
 The Captain 
 would beckon to 
 it. The novice 
 would advance to- 
 wards the Captain. 
 The mistress 
 would call it back. 
 The Captain would beckon again. The novice 
 would once more run to the Captain. The Captain 
 would detain it for five minutes, and say, " Now 
 you may go back." It would get a beating from 
 its mistress. The Captain would meet the same 
 dog in similar circumstances the next day, and, if 
 then it did not come at the first summons, the 
 Captain would let it know he had no use for it. 
 
 53 
 
 THE LINE WAS DRAWN AT COLOURED 
 GENTLEMEN. 
 
 E 2
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR 
 
 Nor did we have the rule of " Once a mem- 
 ber, always a member." The Captain reserved 
 to himself the right of expulsion. It was the 
 only way, he explained, to keep us up to the 
 
 THE BARREL DECIDED THAT THE INSDLT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL. 
 
 mark. One member was expelled, soon after 
 I joined, for cowardice. It was a very painful 
 affair. He was a personal friend of the Cap- 
 tain's, but the Captain felt he must make an 
 example of him. He was a small dog, known 
 
 54
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR 
 
 as " The Barrel " from his shape. One day a 
 Newfoundlander, who came up suddenly behind 
 him, cried out, '* Hello, here's one of the dirty 
 Mongrelians." The Barrel turned round, and 
 looked at the Newfoundlander, and found him 
 so big, that he decided that the insult was 
 not intentional. The incident, however, was 
 reported, and The Barrel had to leave. The 
 Captain took an especially serious view of the 
 matter, as the insult was to the Club and 
 not to the member personally. I used to see 
 the outcast occasionally afterwards, but, if he 
 caught sight of one of us, he would always 
 slink away, and I used to pity him, he looked 
 so miserable. 
 
 Expulsion, too, would take place occasion- 
 ally for slackness, and disobedience. 
 
 Without obedience, the Captain held, nothing 
 was possible. We were never to question his 
 commands. He was a stern disciplinarian, and 
 the message " The Captain wants to speak to 
 you " has made many a dog tremble in his day. 
 And, with it all, the Captain was scrupulously 
 just, and this, I think, was appreciated by the 
 members, and was perhaps the secret of his 
 
 55
 
 THE DOGS OF WAR 
 
 marvellous influence over us. We have seen 
 how he would not spare even his personal 
 friend. His impartiality was wonderful. I 
 have even known him decide against me in a 
 dispute with another member. And once he 
 threatened to expel me because I growled when 
 he asked me to give him my bone, greedy 
 brute that I was. 
 
 He was a splendid dictator. No wonder he 
 so often led us to victory. 
 
 56
 
 MY FELLOW CLUBMEN
 
 MY FELLOW CLUBMEN 
 
 WE numbered, on the average, forty 
 members. Indeed, we have been 
 called " The Fighting Forty." 
 Each of us was known by a nick- 
 name — with one exception. It was significant 
 of the respect in which our leader was held that 
 there was no nickname for him. He was always 
 
 ^<i. 
 
 '"^'^t& 
 
 THE PIPE-CLEANER. 
 
 just simply The Captain. I was Ears. Other 
 prominent members were The Hog, The Hip- 
 popotamus, The Snipe, The Silly Sheep, The 
 Wolf, The Turnip, The Carrot, The Pipe-Cleaner, 
 The Berlin Wool Shop, The International Fur 
 
 59
 
 MY FELLOW CLUBMEN 
 
 Stores, The Map, The Torpedo, The Mummer 
 (an interesting fellow, this : he was on the 
 stage for many years, and had performed at 
 all the principal hippodromes in Europe), The 
 Dook (who claimed to be the second cousin of 
 a pedigree dog, and was the only one of us 
 
 KING LEER. 
 
 THE SNIPE. 
 
 who was careful of his toilet ; it was even 
 rumoured that he used coat-gloss), The Dys- 
 peptic (who was absurdly touchy). King Leer 
 (who was always ogling the women). Nobody's 
 Darling, Bulgy, The Man-Hater, The Looney, 
 The Braggart (he boasted, among other things, 
 
 that he was the Derby dog in 1901), The Cat, 
 
 60
 
 MY FELLOW CLUBMEN 
 
 The Spotted Dog, The Ghost, The Parricide 
 (he slew his father in a fight), and Adam (who 
 refused to wear even a collar, and was frequently 
 
 NOBODY S DARLING. 
 
 taken up by the police for being insufficiently 
 clothed). Of some of these I propose to speak 
 at greater length later on. We were not, per- 
 haps, a pretty lot to look at, but we were 
 
 6i
 
 MY FELLOW CLUBMEN 
 
 businesslike, and always ready for action. We 
 would not shun a fight for fear that our hair 
 might get disarranged. By the by, I should 
 mention that it was at one time proposed by 
 The Hippopotamus that the members, instead of 
 
 THE PARRICIDE. 
 
 having sobriquets which were apt to cause un- 
 necessary pain, should be called that species of 
 dog which they most resembled. The Captain, 
 however, declared that he would never have 
 sufficient time at his disposal to decide such 
 knotty questions as would then arise. 
 Poor old Hippo ! 
 
 62
 
 THE MAP
 
 
 THE SUGGESTED DEMARCATIONS WERE THEN MADE IN INDELIBLE INK.
 
 THE MAP 
 
 BUT The Hippopotamus was by no 
 means our most unfortunate-looking 
 member. The Map was this. I 
 challenge any other club to produce 
 a member like The Map. We were proud 
 of The Map. 
 
 He was a dog who was divided up, all over, 
 by means of black lines — he was completely 
 criss-crossed in this way — and on each piece of 
 territory so marked off there was writing ; and 
 it was all done in the most untidy manner. 
 You never saw such a sight as The Map — he 
 was the laughing-stock of the neighbourhood — 
 and, had I been he, I should only have walked 
 abroad at night. 
 
 His tale was a sad one. The Map had 
 suffered much. 
 
 He started life, he told me one day, as a 
 smooth-coated all-white — like The Ghost. His 
 
 67
 
 THE MAP 
 
 youth was not unhappy. Then, one day, he was 
 presented to a family of six children, and his 
 martyrdom began. 
 
 It would have been all right if he had been 
 given to one of them, but he was given to all of 
 them, and they were exceptionally quarrelsome 
 children. On the very day of his arrival there 
 was a big row because the eldest boy claimed 
 him by right of primogeniture. This privilege 
 of the first-born, it seems, had never been dis- 
 puted till then. It extended to all things, in- 
 cluding the right of being served first at meals, 
 so that the next eldest longed for the heir's 
 death, for he did not relish the idea of having 
 to wait till, perhaps, he was seventy before 
 he was entitled to the first slice of pudding. 
 But, as regards their new present, the younger 
 sons would have none of this, and there was 
 bloodshed threatened, until the Nurse said 
 angrily, " It's all of your dogs, of course, and, 
 what's more, if you don't stop quarrelling, it 
 shan't be any of your dogs I " This threat 
 sobered the children a bit, but by the end of 
 the day the poor Map was tired to death, for 
 they all tried to stroke him at the same time, 
 
 68
 
 THE MAP 
 
 and there was not room on him for this, and 
 he was pushed and buffeted until he felt in- 
 clined to drop. As time went on, things did 
 not improve, and there was not a day on 
 which The Map was not the cause of some dis- 
 pute — to his great inconvenience. Sometimes, 
 as a punishment to the children, he would be 
 locked in a dark cellar for the entire day, so 
 that none of them could have him. 
 
 Then, one afternoon, the Outrage took place. 
 
 The idea was that of a school-friend who 
 had come to tea, and who had been reading 
 about the partition of Africa. 
 
 This young savage noticed what a source of 
 contention The Map was — especially when he 
 asked to whom the dog belonged, and received the 
 answers, " Me 1 " " Me ! I " " Me ! 1! " " Me I I I I " 
 "MellM!" and " Me 1 1 ! 1 I ! " 
 
 "Why don't you partition him?" asked the 
 guest. At this The Map, who thought he was 
 actually to be cut up, made for the door, but it 
 was shut before he could escape. 
 
 "How?" asked the children. 
 
 The savage then explained. They were to 
 decide on a scheme of allotment, and then, with 
 
 D.W. 69 F
 
 THE MAP 
 
 a paint brush and some marking ink, he would 
 stake the dog out. The proposal was received 
 with acclamation, and, after a great deal of 
 squabbling, it was decided that the eldest boy 
 should have the head (with the sole right to 
 
 feed — a nice thing 
 for The Map, who 
 had hitherto re- 
 ceived food from 
 all of them), the 
 others were each 
 to have a stretch 
 of the body, while 
 the tail — which, 
 for some reason or 
 other, was much 
 coveted — was 
 divided into six. 
 The Map, all trembling, was then seized, and the 
 suggested demarcations were made in indelible 
 ink, and the children's names written on the 
 appropriate parts. At the last moment the 
 school-friend said he thought he ought to have 
 a piece as originator of the idea, and this was 
 
 agreed to. This necessitated some of the lines 
 
 70 
 
 YOU NEVER SAW SUCH A MESS.
 
 THE MAP 
 
 being deleted, and The Map suffered agonies 
 under an abortive attempt to alter him with 
 ink-eraser. Finally, the lines which were to 
 be shifted had to be scratched out in ink, and 
 when this was done, and, in the excitement, 
 several blots made on the poor beast, one may 
 imagine how he looked. You never saw such 
 a mess. 
 
 And even this vile plan did not mean peace 
 for my unfortunate friend. There was soon 
 trouble about his tail. The owner of one 
 section commanded him to wag it, and the 
 owner of another section forbade him to wag 
 his part. And, before the party broke up, one 
 boy had swopped a piece of his territory, half- 
 way down the back, for a collection of postage 
 stamps, and further alterations were made. 
 
 No wonder some dogs get soured. 
 
 That night The Map ran away. He did 
 not stop running until the next morning. 
 Then the Captain met him, and The Map 
 became one of our most valued members. 
 For he was now an enemy of society, and 
 therefore a good fighter, and the Captain liked 
 to surround himself with such as he. 
 
 71 F 2
 
 THE MAP 
 
 The Map, I should mention, was always 
 most sensitive about his appearance, and it was 
 a bold dog who dared to joke about it in his 
 presence. 
 
 72
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES 
 
 SOME dogs eat, and drink, and sleep, 
 and that is all they do. That is not 
 Life. We dogs of the Club did not 
 sit all day waiting for something to 
 turn up. 
 
 We had Club runs every Monday and 
 Friday, wet or fine ; on Tuesday and Thurs- 
 day evenings we hunted the lowly Cat ; we had 
 Sports (such as Head-in-Lion's Mouth, Touch- 
 last, French-and-German, &c., in which the 
 Captain always excelled) on Wednesdays, and 
 Conversaziones on Sundays, while Saturdays 
 were usually devoted to the settling of our 
 internal disputes. 
 
 For we had such disputes, and the Captain 
 did not altogether discourage them, for he held 
 that anything was better than slackness, and 
 therefore did not prohibit little private scraps. 
 The only condition he made was that anything 
 
 75
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES 
 
 of that sort should take place on a piece of 
 waste ground at the back of his house. The 
 
 SATtJRDAYS WERE USUALLY DEVOTED TO. THE SETTLING OF OUR 
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES. 
 
 Captain would not allow us to fight among our- 
 selves in the public streets, as he held that 
 that would lower the prestige (the word is his) 
 
 of the Club. 
 
 76
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES 
 
 IT WAS THE AMBITION OF EVERY MEMBER TO EAT THE CLUB BONE. 
 
 Our principal quarrels concerned the tem- 
 porary ownership of the Club Bone. This was 
 a bone (supposed to be of great age) which was
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES 
 
 discovered in a garden by the Captain, and 
 it was the ambition of every member to eat it, 
 but, being of exceptional toughness, it resisted 
 every attempt. However, when one had no- 
 thing else to do, it was the correct thing to try 
 and negotiate the Club Bone. 
 
 One day, by the way, the Club Bone was 
 missing — it was shortly before the Captain's 
 death — and, when The Braggart appeared, he 
 said he had eaten it. Two days afterwards 
 it was found hidden in a water-butt, and The 
 Braggart was expelled. 
 
 Blows, again, would sometimes be exchanged 
 as the climax of a little gentle chaff, such as, 
 " Hello, Long Nose," " Go home, Freak Face," 
 "Who spoke to you. Bandy Legs?" If the 
 Captain were present he would tell us we were 
 behaving like a litter of puppies, and command 
 us to shut up. Not infrequently a scuffle 
 between ourselves would have the pleasant de- 
 velopment of a combined attack on a common 
 enemy who had stood by jeering. 
 
 And sometimes there would be bad blood 
 between rough-coated and smooth-haired mem- 
 bers, especially in the hot weather. We 
 
 78
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES 
 
 rough-coated dogs would become very touchy 
 then, and if, when we were perspiring profusely 
 and scarcely able to drag ourselves along, a 
 little short-haired dog were to trot past us, 
 as cool as a lump of ice and in the pink of 
 
 IN THE HOT WEATHER. 
 
 condition, there would be trouble were he to 
 dare to pity us. 
 
 By the by, sometimes the Captain and I 
 would have great fun when we met. We would 
 have what the Captain called " Pow^der Play." 
 We would pretend to fight, make any amount 
 of snarleyow noise, get a crowd round us, 
 and then, when the loafers were thoroughly 
 
 79
 
 INTERNAL DISPUTES 
 
 interested, we would run oft* the best of friends, 
 and pretty fools the loafers would look. 
 
 I should mention, before I leave the subject 
 of internal disputes, that the most frequent 
 fights were between two brothers named Robert 
 and James Brown. They would scarcely ever 
 meet without falling out. We called them 
 "The Inseparables," as, when they fought, it 
 was impossible to part them. 
 
 80
 
 PERSONAL MATTERS
 
 
 OUR ORDERS WERE NOT TO KILL, BUT ONLY TO ALTER THE PERSONAL APPEARANCE.
 
 PERSONAL MATTERS 
 
 STILL, as a rule, we got on fairly well 
 together, and reserved our fighting 
 energy for our natural enemies, the 
 Thorough-breeds. 
 Now and then we would have what the 
 Captain would call in his impressive way a 
 " Levee en masse " — for he knew even German, 
 did the Captain — but this would only happen 
 when the honour of the Club, as a Club, had 
 been assailed. As regards insults by outsiders 
 to individual members of the Club, at first 
 these had been treated as Club affairs — with 
 the exception of personal remarks concerning 
 The Map or The International Fur Stores — 
 but ultimately the Captain found it necessary 
 to extend the exception to all of us. So each 
 had to fight his own fight. 
 
 After The Map, and The International Fur 
 Stores, I was kept the most busy. I was the 
 
 85
 
 PERSONAL MATTERS 
 
 only thorough-bred member of the Club, and, 
 as such, was a special object of hatred to the 
 enemies of the Club. I was the recipient each 
 day of an astonishing number of insults. I 
 could scarcely move a step from my house 
 without being called " Blackleg," " Traitor," 
 "Judas," and the rest of the poll-parrot terms. 
 Possibly there was something in the charge, 
 but I never stopped to think then. I was the 
 Captain's man. 
 
 It had the effect, anyhow, of my soon be- 
 coming an expert fighter, and, if there was a 
 desperate errand, the Captain would usually 
 send me on it. " You are always as keen as 
 mustard, Ears," he has said to me more than 
 once. 
 
 Our orders were not to kill, but only to 
 alter the personal appearance of such thorough- 
 breeds as invited our attention. Killing, the 
 Captain said, was liable to have unpleasant 
 consequences for our masters — as to whom the 
 Captain, if I may say it without appearing dis- 
 respectful to his memory, was always absurdly 
 considerate. However, I am responsible for 
 one extinct monster, and I am not ashamed to 
 
 86
 
 PERSONAL MATTERS 
 
 own it. He was a black Esquimo beast who 
 settled in our neighbourhood. As a rule he 
 ensconced himself safely behind the bars of his 
 garden — he was one of a large class of area 
 sneaks who do that — and made nasty remarks 
 as we passed. He was known to us as " Satan." 
 I called upon him more than once to come 
 out and settle accounts, at which he merely 
 became more abusive. One day I met him in 
 the street. He wore a muzzle, as he always 
 did when he was out of doors. 
 
 "Good-morning, Judas," he said, running off. 
 But I, too, could run. 
 
 " Good-morning, Satan," I hissed, as I came 
 up with him, and at that I bit through his 
 muzzle — for I flatter myself I am always a 
 sportsman — and we set to. In five minutes 
 Satan had justified his mourning. The subse- 
 quent legal proceedings did not interest me. 
 
 One day, too, I almost settled a fox-terrier 
 who, in my presence, asked sarcastically "What 
 sorts oi dog" the Captain was. "You imperent 
 cur I " I cried, as I sprang at his throat, and, 
 by Jove ! if he had not apologised in the nick of 
 
 time, I would have sent him to his reckoning. 
 D.w. 87 G
 
 PERSONAL MATTERS 
 
 They might laugh at my long ears as much 
 as they liked, but not one word would I hear 
 against the Captain. 
 
 The poor old Hippo, by the by, was also 
 
 said to be a mur- 
 derer. One morn- 
 ing, in rounding a 
 (Ml '^JfT''^ '^^ "^Kk corner, he acciden- 
 
 tally collided with 
 a little Yorkshire 
 terrier. " Where 
 are you coming to, 
 you great lout ? " 
 snarled the York- 
 shire terrier. Now 
 The Hippo was 
 always short-tempered. Anyhow, the little York- 
 shire terrier was never seen again, and it was 
 currently believed that the greater contained 
 the less. When The Hippo was twitted about 
 it, all he would say was that till that date he 
 had never suffered from indigestion. 
 
 IT WAS CDRRENTLY BELIEVED THAT THE 
 GREATER CONTAINED THE LESS. 
 
 88
 
 CONCERNING TOYS
 
 I
 
 CONCERNING TOYS 
 
 WE had special instructions from the 
 Captain as to our treatment of 
 animals known as Toy Dogs — 
 though why they are called Dogs 
 I never could understand. At first I used to 
 excite myself very much when this riff-raff gave 
 themselves airs, and would sometimes answer 
 them back, and more than once proposed that 
 we should wipe out the entire brood. But the 
 Captain issued an order that we were to ignore 
 them. It was, of course, the best plan. As 
 a rule the self-important little trollops would 
 become a picture of impotent rage under this 
 treatment. The Captain had just as great con- 
 tempt for these insects as I had. " Hundreds 
 and Thousands " he called them, after the 
 sweets of that name ; and once he said quite 
 truly that it might be possible to make one 
 decent dog out of fifty of them. The Captain 
 
 91
 
 CONCERNING TOYS 
 
 / 
 
 / 
 
 / 
 
 IF YOU WANT TO SEE A SECOND-HAND REMNANT, LOOK AT ONE OF THEM AFTER 
 
 HE HAS BEEN OUT IN THE RAIN. 
 
 92
 
 CONCERNING TOYS 
 
 liked a dog to be a dog, and not a kid glove, 
 or a bit of fluff. What drew him to me origi- 
 nally, he told me, was my rugged appearance, 
 and he saw at once that I could be licked into 
 shape. These so-called Toy Dogs are a dis- 
 grace to their fur, and only bring the rest of 
 us into disrepute. They are a painful sight 
 under any circumstances, but, if you want to 
 see a second-hand remnant, look at one of 
 them after he has been out in the rain. Yet 
 they are overweeningly conceited, and at times 
 I found it difficult to obey the Captain's in- 
 structions. Once, actually, a weedy youth 
 named Carlo told me that the reason why I 
 ignored him was that I dared not touch him. 
 At that — I could not help it : it was a distinct 
 challenge — I took Master Carlo in my mouth, 
 and shook him like a rat until he holloaed for 
 mercy. I could never make up my mind 
 whether Carlo was more like a mosquito or a 
 penwiper. He was known, I believe, as a 
 Butterfly Dog. The Butterflies are welcome to 
 such as he — with his petulant little falsetto 
 voice. 
 
 We were, as I have said, to ignore the Toy 
 
 93
 
 CONCERNING TOYS 
 
 Dogs. But there was one exception. We were 
 to strip them of any finery they might be 
 wearing. The Captain was a martinet in all 
 matters of dress. He would tolerate nothing 
 but a collar— and that must be a plain one. 
 The Toy Dogs would frequently wear bows, 
 and were supposed to be responsible for that 
 absurd expression which riles us so much, 
 *' bow-wows." So the Captain made a rule 
 that, whenever we met a dog wearing a bow, 
 we were to remove it — which was easily done 
 by tugging at one end of the ribbon — and 
 bring it to the Club. Birthday or no birth- 
 day, it had to come off. When a member had 
 fifty bows to his credit, he was absolved from 
 this duty, which was considered a somewhat 
 menial one — he became a Veteran, for whom 
 sterner tasks were reserved. Now and then we 
 would secure a collar, and a Collar Day was 
 always a great event with us. By the by, we 
 were puzzled to know what to do with the 
 accumulation of ribbons until The Hog joined 
 us. He ate them, until he died of appendicitis. 
 
 94
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS AND 
 OTHER UNDESIRABLES
 
 ---■- "■•■ 
 
 14: 
 
 WE WOULD LEAVE THE CLUB BONE IX THE ROAD AS A DECOY.
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 AND OTHER UNDESIR- 
 ABLES 
 
 TO come now to more worthy oppo- 
 nents, the principal ones were mem- 
 bers of such rival organisations as 
 " The Blue Bloods," " The Junior 
 Blue Bloods," "The Gentlemen's Club" {pshawl), 
 "The Upper Ten," the " Dachshund- Verein," 
 and the " Ligue des Patriotes." 
 
 Few, I expect, have any idea of the number 
 of Dogs' Clubs there are in existence. All big 
 towns are honeycombed with them. 
 
 We were specially down on foreigners, and 
 as a rule there would be short shrift for 
 Schipperkes, melancholy Danes, Chows, Dachs- 
 hunds, Poodles, Pekinese Spaniels, Maltese 
 Terriers, Russian Boar-hounds, Spitz dogs, and 
 the rest of the undesirable aliens. I recollect 
 
 99
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 
 well my scrap with Liane de Pougy. She was 
 a poodle. All poodles are either fops or 
 
 "YOUR FACE IS AS DIRTY AS MINE, YOU FILTHY BRUNETTE," 
 
 clowns. Liane was a fop, and a saucy 
 one at that. She had long ropes of hair reach- 
 ing to the ground. One day, by way of retort 
 to my quite harmless remark, " Get your hair 
 
 100
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 
 cut I " she had the cheek to reply, in broken 
 English, " Go 'ome and wash you ze dirty face I " 
 That got my blood up, and with the words, 
 " Your face is as dirty as mine, you filthy 
 brunette, if we could only see it," I rushed at 
 Liane, and did some amateur hair-cutting my- 
 self, entirely removing some of the ropes, and 
 shortening others — even though her owner 
 jabbed at me all the time with her parasol. 
 You never saw such a piece of shabby finery 
 as was Liane when I had done with her, and 
 it was not the slightest good her reminding me 
 of the Entente. She kept at home for some 
 days after that, and, when next she met the 
 Club, she was clean-shaven ; all her beautiful 
 curls were gone. How we roared with laughter. 
 Dachshunds would get on our nerves, even 
 more than poodles. These caterpillars would 
 sometimes toady up to us, and we would not 
 always think them worth powder and shot. 
 Once, for instance, I remember, we were 
 having Sports, and a Dachshund named Hans 
 Blumberg crawled up, and stood watching us 
 longingly, and finally had the cool audacity to 
 ask if he might join in. " No," said the 
 
 lOI
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 
 Captain, sharply. "We don't play with centi- 
 pedes, specially German ones," and then we all 
 barked at him in concert, and he ran away, 
 terrified, to complain to his Kaiser. 
 
 I cannot stand Dachshunds at any price. 
 It tires me to look at them. Before I have 
 carried my eye from the snout to the tail I 
 
 am bored. 
 
 And I found 
 King Charles 
 Spaniels especially 
 hard to tolerate. 
 These microbes 
 actually had the 
 impertinence to 
 pretend that they 
 were "correct," and that I was wrong. It is, of 
 course, perfectly obvious to any impartial person 
 that they are cheap editions of me — field 
 spaniels stunted in their youth by frequent 
 doses of gin. A more pretentious crew I have 
 never seen. One morning, when I was out with 
 the Captain, I met one of them whom his 
 owner was leading by a leash. '' Self-satisfied 
 little muff!" I hissed, as I passed. "If I could 
 
 102 
 
 BEFORE I HAVE CARRIED MY EYE FROM THE 
 SNOUT TO THE TAIL I AM BORED.
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 
 only get at you," he had the cheek to retort, 
 " I'd make mincemeat of both of you 1 ", and 
 he pretended to tug at his leash. Thereupon 
 the Captain turned back, and cleverly bit 
 through the leash — and you never saw anyone 
 
 YOU NEVER SAW ANYONE SKURRY SO QUICKLY IN THE WRONG DIRECTION AS 
 
 MASTER CHARLIE. 
 
 skurry so quickly in the wrong direction as 
 
 Master Charlie. So much for King's blood ! 
 
 At times, if we were good-tempered, we 
 
 would content ourselves with a little mild chaff 
 
 and horse-play. For example, there was a 
 
 pampered little beast known to us as "The 
 
 Lump of Fat," whom we would frequently 
 
 meet. He was so stout that he could scarcely 
 
 103
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 
 waddle along, and he used to be dragged out 
 for walks by an old one-legged crossing- 
 sweeper. "The Lump of Fat" rather fancied 
 himself as an aristocrat, and we used to have 
 great fun by pretending we thought that the 
 old one-legged crossing-sweeper was his master. 
 And then we would bark and snap at the heel 
 of the one-legged crossing-sweeper, and both 
 he and " The Lump of Fat " would almost 
 die of fright. 
 
 But we would never show any mercy to 
 Pug-dogs, whether of British or foreign make. 
 Pug-dogs are imperence incarnate, and their 
 look of self-satisfaction was always treated by 
 us as a direct challenge ; and our members 
 took more little bits out of pugs than out of 
 any other sort of dog — the over-fed toads. 
 There is an ugly brute named " Fairy " who 
 will not forget me in a hurry, I fancy. He 
 cottoned up to me one day when we were 
 alone. The next afternoon he cut me when he 
 was out with a friend. But I soon reminded 
 him of my existence. " Meat," I remarked, as I 
 took a deep bite, "is sweetest nearest the bone," 
 
 and I can still hear the little snob's squeal. 
 
 104
 
 CONCERNING FOREIGNERS 
 
 Sometimes, if we felt frolicsome, we would 
 not wait for trouble to come to us, but we 
 would even make it. This we managed by 
 means of the Club Bone. We would leave 
 the Club Bone in the road, as a decoy. 
 Then we would hide round the corner, and, 
 as soon as a thorough-breed began to tackle 
 the bone, we would all rush out and angrily 
 accuse him of trying to rob the poor. 
 
 D.w. 105 H
 
 WAR
 
 WAR 
 
 THE " Grandes battues ^' when the Dogs 
 of War put forth their whole 
 strength, took place comparatively 
 rarely — not more often, on the 
 average, than once in two months — for the 
 Captain would not have us waste our corporate 
 strength on what he considered unworthy 
 objects. But, when a big fight did take place, 
 we were almost invariably successful. Which 
 was only what was to be expected, for, apart 
 from our having the Captain — who, with his 
 wonderful organising power, was a host in 
 himself — mixed breeds are always more intelli- 
 gent than thorough-breeds. Even humans, who 
 sometimes stumble on the truth, acknowledge 
 this, and, if you wanted proof of the stupidity 
 of the thorough-breeds, you have their ignorance 
 of this fact. 
 
 It is astonishing, when I come to think of 
 
 109
 
 WAR 
 
 the number of engagements in which I have 
 
 taken part, how seldom I came to any harm. 
 
 " Fortune favours the brave " was the flattering 
 
 explanation given by the Captain, who had an 
 
 apt quotation for everything. In a way, of 
 
 course, I was armour-clad. I refer to my rough 
 
 hair. We rough-coated dogs have a distinct 
 
 advantage in a scuffle, as it takes an opponent 
 
 a long time to work through to our flesh, and 
 
 the probability is that, before he reaches it, 
 
 he will have swallowed so much hair that he 
 
 will be incapacitated by a fit of coughing. 
 
 And that is the time when we drive home any 
 
 advantage that we may already have obtained. 
 
 And I had something else in my favour. My 
 
 sort are usually very affectionate dogs, with no 
 
 fight in them. This would put the others off 
 
 their guard, and I would get in first bite. 
 
 The Captain, too, was wonderfully immune 
 
 from damage. Yet, perhaps, in his case this 
 
 was not remarkable, for, like all good officers, 
 
 he, more often than not, directed operations 
 
 from a distance. The Captain was the brain 
 
 of our army, I its right arm. There was an 
 
 astonishing difference between us. The Captain 
 
 no
 
 WAR 
 
 was always as cool as a cucumber ; I, on 
 the other hand, was all flurry and fluster, if 
 any thinking had to be done. As the Captain 
 told me more than once, I had not the head 
 of a great leader. My impulsive nature was 
 against me. 
 
 I remember that this was the case when I 
 received word one day that the president of " The 
 Gentlemen's Club" had referred to "The Dogs of 
 War" as "an association of cads, loafers, traitors, 
 and freaks." I rushed off hot-haste to the 
 Captain, and advised that we should attack at 
 once. The Captain agreed that if ever there 
 was justification for a fight it was this. But 
 he advised a few days' delay, not only that the 
 necessary dispositions might be made, but also 
 with a view to putting the "Gentlemen" off 
 their guard, for they would imagine by then 
 that we had come to the conclusion that the 
 indictment was true, and that therefore we did 
 not resent it. Clever little Captain ! Of course, 
 he was right. We duly surprised the enemy, 
 and gave them the trouncing they deserved. 
 
 One of our most notable achievements was 
 
 the entire subjugation of "The Upper Ten," 
 
 III
 
 WAR 
 
 whose overbearing demeanour had become 
 intolerable to us. They were all big fellows, 
 and it was an uphill struggle. It lasted two 
 days. The first day we reduced them to "The 
 
 (§^-1 ^J 
 
 THIS WAS THE SIGN OF SURRENDER. 
 
 Upper Eight," The Map disabling one, and I 
 another. The next morning the Hippopotamus 
 put a third out of action, and I lamed their 
 leader. In the afternoon this leader limped 
 up to the Captain, turned over on his back, 
 
 112
 
 WAR 
 
 and flung up his legs. This was the sign of 
 surrender. The Captain led him aside, and 
 terms were discussed. As finally agreed, they 
 were generous — far too generous, in my opinion. 
 The Upper Ten were to cease from insulting us 
 either in speech or by gesture, they were always 
 to address us as "Sir" when they spoke to any 
 of us, and to stand aside as we passed. That 
 was the end of The Upper Ten. 
 
 This defeat caused considerable alarm 
 among the smaller thoroughbred dogs' clubs, 
 and there was some talk of forming a Federa- 
 tion, but it came to nothing. At the same time 
 what the Captain always feared was that "The 
 Blue Bloods " and " The Junior Blue Bloods " 
 might amalgamate, for, together, these might 
 have been strong enough to smash us. How- 
 ever, there was generally a certain amount of 
 friction between the two, and the Captain 
 cleverly added fuel to the fire by circulating 
 false reports as to nasty remarks made by 
 members of the one club concerning members 
 of the other. Our delight may therefore be 
 imagined when one day we heard that hos- 
 tilities had actually broken out between them, 
 
 113
 
 WAR 
 
 and that all fears of a combination were at 
 an end. 
 
 "The Blue Bloods" alone, however, were a 
 powerful organisation, and it was only due 
 to the superior generalship of the Captain that 
 we were ultimately able to inflict a blow on 
 them from which they never really recovered. 
 
 The Captain on this occasion showed 
 superb strategy. By the by, I do not think I 
 have mentioned yet that the Captain's people 
 called him " Nap," which is short for Napo- 
 leon, who was a great general something like 
 the Captain. Curiously enough, I have been 
 told, he too was of small stature. 
 
 Information had reached us that "The Blue 
 
 Bloods " were to hold a business meeting to 
 
 discuss the affairs of their club at a certain 
 
 fashionable Square on a certain day. Shortly 
 
 before this we had been called Poltroons by 
 
 one of their number. The Captain now saw 
 
 a chance of a coup. On the day in question 
 
 we mustered every man we could place in 
 
 the field, and met at an agreed spot. The 
 
 Captain then gave us our directions. We were 
 
 split up into three parties, and each of such 
 
 114
 
 WAR 
 
 parties was, at a given signal, to rush into 
 the Square by a different road, and surprise 
 and overcome the enemy. 
 
 VOU LILY-LIVERED HOUND ! 
 
 I ■' 
 
 The plan was completely successful. It was 
 a glorious fight, lasting two hours. A number 
 of tradesmen's boys kept the ring ; pailfuls of 
 
 115
 
 WAR 
 
 blue blood ran, ladies fainted and shrieked, but, 
 though out-numbered, we won ultimately, and 
 the police did not appear upon the scene until 
 "The Blue Bloods" were in full retreat. It was 
 on this occasion that I saved the Captain's life. 
 A great black beast, like an undertaker, had 
 downed the little fellow. With the words, 
 "You lily-livered hound 1" I flew at the black 
 beast's throat, and half throttled him. I got 
 bitten in the leg, but what cared I ? The 
 Captain escaped, and I had saved his life. 
 
 Yes, we were nearly always successful — 
 though our enemies often circulated lying 
 reports of victories. In fact, I can only 
 remember one genuine defeat. That was the 
 Barking fiasco. We felt, one day, that we 
 would like to take on an easy job for a 
 change. Someone suggested, " Why not make 
 a raid on Barking? Barking dogs don't bite, 
 you know." It seemed to us a good idea, and 
 we set out. It was a long way off, and we 
 were tired when we arrived there. Suddenly, 
 while we were looking round, we were ourselves 
 attacked by as ugly a swarm of dogs as you 
 ever saw. Amusingly, they called us " toffs." 
 
 ii6
 
 WAR 
 
 We were completely taken by surprise, and not 
 one of us escaped without injury. Even the 
 Captain suffered a slight contusion, though I 
 looked after him as well as I could. I myself 
 had one of my ears split. You never saw such 
 a tatterdemalion crew as we were after the 
 fight. On the Captain's instructions, each of 
 us returned home by a different route, as it 
 would have been bad for the prestige of the 
 Club for us to be seen in a body in that con- 
 dition. So much fur was lost that day that 
 several members caught severe colds, and it is 
 supposed that the seeds of consumption which 
 ultimately carried off The Pipe-Cleaner were 
 then sown. My own idea is that the Barking 
 dogs had been warned of our coming — I believe 
 by a former member of the Club, whom the 
 Captain had expelled with ignominy a short 
 time before for telling falsehoods. I met this 
 dog on my way back, and I fancy he smiled. 
 Anyhow, he will not smile again. 
 
 117
 
 THE DANGER OF WORDS WITH 
 
 TWO MEANINGS
 
 THE DANGER OF WORDS 
 WITH TWO MEANINGS 
 
 THAT Barking affair showed the 
 danger of ambiguous words. A 
 very dear friend of mine met with 
 his death from the same cause. He 
 was told of a clever dog who, upon receiving 
 a copper from his master, would run with it to 
 a neighbouring baker's, and obtain in exchange 
 quite a quantity of biscuits. My friend, upon 
 hearing this, thought he would do likewise. So 
 he went out and fastened his teeth into the 
 first policeman he met, and tried to drag him 
 into a confectioner's. The copper, however, re- 
 sisted strenuously, and, in the scuffle that 
 ensued, my poor friend received a blow on the 
 head which proved fatal. 
 
 D.W. 121
 
 OUR SUNDAY CONVERSAZIONES
 
 I
 
 OUR SUNDAY CONVERSA- 
 ZIONES 
 
 BUT enough of War. Let us turn now 
 from the scenes of strife to the more 
 pleasing picture of our Sunday Con- 
 versaziones. At these social reunions 
 there was scarcely a subject that was not dis- 
 cussed, and when the Captain, with his wonder- 
 ful culture, was present no topic came up which 
 was not illumined by his trite and shrewd 
 remarks, so that I reckon it one of the greatest 
 privileges of my life to have been present on 
 such occasions. 
 
 125
 
 THE PRETTY WIT OF THE 
 CAPTAIN
 
 THE PRETTY WIT OF THE 
 
 CAPTAIN 
 
 WHAT made the Captain's con- 
 versation especially charming was 
 the fact that he was possessed 
 of a pretty wit. He would say 
 things which would even make a cat laugh. 
 He was, indeed, first in Peace and first in War. 
 He has been called, with justice, one of the 
 wittiest dogs of the century. Many of his 
 sayings I have treasured up. 
 
 He was asked, one day, what he thought of 
 the one-meal-a-day diet for dogs which was 
 being advocated by the digestion reformers. 
 He replied that he had no objection to it so 
 long as the meal lasted all day. 
 
 A poodle was bragging of his pedigree. 
 " My ancestors came over with the Conqueror," 
 he said. " Oh," retorted the Captain, with his 
 
 inimitable drawl, " from your appearance I 
 
 129
 
 THE PRETTY WIT OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 should have thought it was Richard Cur de 
 Lion." 
 
 To another conceited hound he once said, 
 "Call yourself a stud dog? You look more like 
 the missing link." 
 
 The Captain was not above a pun if he 
 thought it a good one — which, of course, it 
 always was. 
 
 One night I returned very late from cat- 
 scaring. The house had been locked up, and 
 my master had to come down in his dressing- 
 gown to let me in, and he made a fuss 
 about it. 
 
 "What excuse did you offer?" asked the 
 Captain. 
 
 "Couldn't think of any," I said. 
 
 The Captain's eye twinkled. " You silly old 
 Ears," he said; "why didn't you say you could 
 not tell the time as you did not meet a watch- 
 dog?" Upon another occasion he recommended 
 me to call a wire-haired terrier and send a 
 telegram to say that I should be late for 
 dinner. He made me roar sometimes with his 
 remarks. And it was all done so easily, with 
 
 no apparent effort. A member of the Club 
 
 130
 
 THE PRETTY WIT OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 received a legacy under the will of his mistress. 
 " I suppose you'll put the money in the Dogger 
 Bank," remarked the Captain. 
 
 He once described The Dyspeptic as "a 
 dog of a very cross breed." Again, talking of 
 toy dogs, he remarked, " Sometimes I feel 
 inclined to buy a pennyworth of weed-killer 
 and dispose of the lot of them." And I have 
 heard him frighten one of these almost out of 
 his skin by saying, " Do you know, sir, that 
 my men eat two or three of you for breakfast 
 every morning ? " 
 
 He always put things wonderfully well. 
 One of our members was guilty of some little 
 peccadillo — I forget now what it was — and the 
 Captain decided to give him one more chance. 
 " You say," said the Captain, " you are the son 
 of a retriever. Very well. Go now and retrieve 
 your character." To another member — I think 
 it was The Turnip — he said one day, "You call 
 yourself a well-bred dog. Why, you haven't got 
 a single manner." Once he gave us a lecture 
 on the subject of falsehoods. " Let sleeping 
 dogs lie," he wound up, ''you always speak the 
 truth." 
 
 131
 
 THE PRETTY WIT OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 I could, indeed, fill a volume with the 
 Captain's dry remarks. And, if he could crush 
 with a cutting word, he could also comfort by 
 a bright idea. For instance, when my ear was 
 split in two, and I was suffering great pain, I 
 remember how he bucked me up with the 
 words, " Never mind, old fellow, it has in- 
 creased your value. You are by way of being 
 a curio now. You are probably the only dog in 
 the world with three ears." I smiled through 
 my tears. 
 
 132
 
 THE DOG SHOW TALE
 
 THE DOG SHOW TALE 
 
 AND the Captain was an admirable 
 raconteur. No one could spin a 
 yarn so well as he. His best tale, 
 I think, was the one he told to 
 demonstrate the value of Dog vShow honours. 
 The Captain declared it to be true, and we 
 were never tired of hearing it. 
 
 There was a gentleman, said the Captain, 
 living in Ireland who owned an Irish terrier 
 named Kathleen. One day Kathleen presented 
 her master with two of the queerest-looking 
 pups that ever saw daylight. Their sire, it 
 was said, was a French poodle, and one could 
 well believe that this was at least the truth. 
 You never saw such freaks. About a year 
 after their birth, their master heard that a 
 Dog Show was to be held in a village where 
 he happened to be staying at the time. Being 
 of a sportive disposition, he decided that, for 
 
 135
 
 THE DOG SHOW TALE 
 
 the fun of the thing, he would enter his mar- 
 vellous mongrels in the " Any other variety " 
 class, under the name of " Burmese Setters." 
 To his intense surprise and amusement they 
 were promptly awarded First and Second Prize. 
 The man's appetite was now whetted, and 
 when, some six months later, the announce- 
 ment of a really important Dog Show which 
 was to be held in a neighbouring town was 
 brought to his notice, he resolved to let the 
 Twins try their luck once more. This time he 
 decided that they should be " Thibetan Eel 
 Dogs." Shortly after he had deposited them 
 at the Show, a note reached him from the 
 Secretary stating that the Committee were 
 greatly interested in his exhibit, but unfor- 
 tunately none of them was acquainted with 
 the points of Thibetan Eel Dogs, and the 
 Committee would be obliged if the exhibitor 
 would kindly let them have a few lines about 
 them. The exhibitor saw no reason why he 
 should not oblige the Committee. So, after 
 dinner, he wrote to say that a Thibetan Eel 
 Dog was the means by which the Thibetan 
 
 highlander secured his dinner. The dog waded 
 
 136
 
 THE DOG SHOW TALE 
 
 into the shallow upland streams, and knelt 
 down. The eels then became entangled in 
 the dog's long and shaggy coat, and, when 
 sufficient eels had been trapped, the Thibetan 
 whistled his dog out of the water, and dined. 
 
 This explanatory note was printed in full 
 in the official catalogue, the dogs attracted a 
 vast amount of attention, and carried off a 
 Second and Third Prize. 
 
 But they caused trouble. 
 
 Among the visitors to the Town Show was 
 an individual who had been also to the Village 
 Show. He wrote a most indignant letter to 
 the Press, saying that the Committee, for all he 
 knew, might be nice amiable gentlemen, but 
 they were certainly profoundly ignorant about 
 dogs, for they had given two prizes to what 
 were described as Thibetan Eel Dogs while 
 anyone who knew anything at all about dogs 
 must have recognised at once that they were 
 Burmese Setters ! 
 
 The correspondence raged for a number of 
 weeks, and there was scarcely a so-called 
 authority on dogs who did not take part in it. 
 
 Lord, how we laughed ! 
 
 D.W. 137 K
 
 THE LOONEY
 
 ^y 
 
 ONE HOT SUMMERS DAY THE LOONEY LOST SUCH LITTLE REASON AS HE HAD.
 
 THE LOONEY 
 
 ALTHOUGH the Captain was easily 
 the most brilliant talker amongst 
 us, he was by no means the only 
 one whose conversation was worth 
 listening to. 
 
 There was, for instance. The Looney. 
 The Looney was quite one of our most 
 interesting members. This crack-brained fellow 
 undoubtedly had a spark of genius in his 
 composition. It was a pity that he was always 
 so absurdly unpractical. He was essentially a 
 dreamer, and not a dog of action. He was 
 always thinking out wonderful schemes, which 
 came to nothing. For example, he once pro- 
 pounded to us a most fantastic plan for besting 
 cats. His idea was that we should, by hook 
 or by crook, get hold of a number of cat- 
 skins, and envelop ourselves in them. This 
 would enable us to gain the confidence of the 
 
 143
 
 THE LOONEY 
 
 felines, who would think we were of their 
 number, and we could then massacre them. 
 The Captain, I remember, always practical. 
 
 
 THE LOONEY. 
 
 pulled up The Looney with the question, "But 
 
 how about the difference in voices?" To which 
 
 The Looney answered weakly that he dared say 
 
 that with a little practice we could soon learn 
 
 to miaouw. 
 
 144
 
 THE LOONEY 
 
 Another idea to which The Looney devoted 
 much time, but which he never perfected, was the 
 invention of a means by which dogs could take 
 their own skins on and off. As he pointed out, 
 this would get over the great washing difficulty. 
 All dogs loathe having a bath, and if only we 
 could send our clothes to be cleaned, as the 
 humans do, there would be no necessity to wash. 
 However, like all The Looney's wonderful ideas, 
 it came to nothing. 
 
 One of The Looney's weirdest theories con- 
 cerned little girls. According to The Looney, 
 little girls are an undeveloped — a primitive — 
 form of dog. He called our attention to the 
 fact that they have tails at the back of their 
 heads, and, one day, he said, they would walk 
 like us. Indeed, he had heard that some little 
 girls who gave performances at music-halls, and 
 called themselves contortionists and acrobats, 
 already did so. 
 
 And it was The Looney who proposed, one 
 Sunday, that we should make horses honorary 
 dogs, and so increase our numbers. He asked 
 — and in this instance I consider there was 
 perhaps something in his suggestion — why, if 
 
 145
 
 THE LOONEY 
 
 King Charles Spaniels and St. Bernards are 
 both called dogs, the idea should not be carried 
 a step further? But the Captain said it would 
 be lowering ourselves, and that settled it, of 
 course. 
 
 One hot summer s day The Looney lost such 
 little reason as he had, and was shot, after a 
 cruel custom of the humans. 
 
 146
 
 THE MAN-HATER
 
 
 BELIEVE ME, HUMANS ARE NOT VERY FINE FELLOWS THEN.
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 THE chosen companion of The Looney 
 was The Man-Hater. He, too, was a 
 fluent talker, and had ability of a sort, 
 and might have shone in an assemblage 
 where the Captain, with his giant intellect, was 
 not present. Indeed, after the Captain's death. 
 The Man-Hater founded the only club which had 
 any measure of success. 
 
 For a long time a member known as The 
 Socialist had been The Man-Hater's closest 
 friend. But this miserable fellow became a 
 backslider. We missed The Socialist one day, 
 and, when next we met him, he, who had always 
 been the most disreputable of us in appearance, 
 was not only well groomed, but wearing a coat 
 with a crest in the corner, if you please ! I 
 need scarcely say that the coat was in shreds 
 in a very few minutes. It seems that The 
 Socialist had been adopted by a wealthy maiden 
 
 151
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 lady, and had openly renounced his former 
 views on the subject of the redistribution of 
 property. Upon the death of the old lady The 
 Socialist inherited a large share of her property, 
 and became one of the wealthiest dogs in the 
 country, and the last we heard of him was that 
 he had been elected vice-president of the Gentle- 
 men's Club. May he die of fatty degeneration 
 of the heart I 
 
 The Man-Hater was made of most curious 
 material. It was not fur at all, but a kind of 
 mixture of cotton and silk. He told us he 
 was very valuable, and we never disillusionised 
 him. It was wonderful how The Man-Hater 
 fancied himself. The Captain said it proved that 
 there was a Providence. 
 
 The Man-Hater had no master. He lived 
 by his wits, and was a good one for rats. 
 Originally he had belonged to a faddist who 
 held that dogs ought to have nothing but plain, 
 wholesome food, and that only once a day, and 
 not too much then. Chafing under this in- 
 humane treatment. The Man-Hater went off one 
 day for a week's tour in the company of some 
 dog friends, with a view, to bringing his master 
 
 152
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 m i/ 
 
 2J6 
 
 CF- R) •/W-U» TO Alt' 
 CDS Cuc^or y^i/NEiJ 
 
 mm 
 
 THE MAN-HATER. 
 
 to his senses. On the third day his master 
 came to the conclusion that his dog was 
 lost, and judge of the pained surprise of The 
 
 153
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 Man-Hater (who had always had a high opinion 
 of himself) when, on his way home, he saw in a 
 shop window a notice headed " Half-a-crown 
 Reward," followed by a most insulting descrip- 
 tion of himself, which wound up with the words, 
 " Of no value to anyone except owner!' 
 
 The Man-Hater turned back with an angry 
 growl, and decided that his master might keep 
 his half-crown. Since then, as I have said, The 
 Man-Hater has lived by his wits, and, like not 
 a few of us, has known what it is to walk 
 about with an empty pouch. 
 
 Adversity has soured The Man-Hater. 
 
 Many of us were vegetarians, but The Man- 
 Hater would not hesitate to bite a man if he 
 thought it necessary. I have met him more 
 than once with a sample of trousering in his 
 mouth. His hatred of humans amounted almost 
 to a mania, and the Captain frequently declared 
 him to be no more sane than The Looney. 
 Myself, I must confess, I was very often much 
 impressed by what The Man-Hater said. At 
 times he would quite unsettle me. 
 
 The Man-Hater was never tired of dilating 
 on the injustices which we dogs suffered at the 
 
 154
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 hands of humans. He would refer to the 
 insulting notices, " No dogs admitted," which 
 one meets with everywhere. He had even seen 
 one, he said, at a Post-office — the very place 
 where the taxes which are so unjustly imposed 
 on us are paid. He was furious about this, and 
 wanted to form at once a " Society for Biting 
 Postmen." And you cannot take up a dog 
 paper — all edited, to our shame, by humans — 
 without finding its pages sullied by vile adver- 
 tisements of disinfectants. In the largest city 
 in the world there is only one periodical. The 
 Spectator, which is run with the object of 
 showing how clever dogs are. Then again he 
 would draw our attention to expressions which 
 humans frequently used in addressing one 
 another, such as ''You dirty dog!", "You 
 hound ! ", " Give a dog a bad name and hang 
 him ", " It's a night on which I wouldn't even 
 send a dog out" {event), "Leading a dog's 
 life," and so on. In using phrases such as 
 these, humans, he declared, let the cat out of the 
 bag, and showed what they really thought of us, 
 for all their hypocritical pretence of liking us. 
 And The Man-Hater made a good point 
 
 155
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 when he said that the fact that the humans 
 tried to make us believe that they liked us 
 proved how they secretly feared us. He was 
 constantly urging us dogs to assert ourselves 
 more than we did. Humans were only kept 
 in power by our stupidity. If we liked to 
 combine, he said, and sink our own little 
 differences, we could carry all before us. He 
 asked the Captain one day how many dogs 
 there were in London. The Captain, whose 
 encyclopaedic knowledge was never appealed to 
 in vain, answered, " About 100,000." 
 
 " Very well," said The Man-Hater, " there 
 are 100,000 of us. Just imagine what we could 
 do if the whole 100,000 formed a solid phalanx, 
 and marched through the West End, biting all 
 whom we met. Who could stand against us ? " 
 
 I must admit that the picture appealed to 
 me — but then I was always easily carried away 
 by enthusiasm. The Captain merely smiled, and 
 said, " Well, bring me your hundred thousand 
 dogs, and then I'll consider the idea." 
 
 The only occasions, by-the-by, on which I 
 felt the slightest irritation against the Captain 
 were when he threw cold water on some grand 
 
 156
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 scheme like this. The Man-Hater, however, 
 stuck to his guns, and said he was convinced 
 that if we only showed a bold front the whole 
 human dynasty would crumble to pieces. All 
 that held it together at present was our own 
 misjudgment of our powers. JVe underrated 
 ourselves, while the humans overrated them- 
 selves. Human conceit, indeed, seemed to 
 know no limits. At times it was actually 
 amusing. He had seen, for instance, the other 
 day, in a book-shop window, a volume entitled 
 " All about Dogs." Self-satisfaction such as 
 that really made one smile. As though any 
 man knew all about dogs I They knew, of 
 course, just so much as we let them know. 
 
 Humans never seemed to guess. The Man- 
 Hater would continue, how unfavourably they 
 compared with dogs. Why, they could not 
 even do such a simple thing as to follow you 
 when you went out for a walk. He remem- 
 bered that when he had a master and was 
 running on ahead he would have to look round 
 every other minute to see whether the fellow 
 was following or not. Humans think they are 
 
 intelligent, but they are really the crassest fools 
 D.w. 157 L
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 on the face of the earth. "Take, for instance, 
 the question of food," said The Man-Hater ; 
 "they have as much to eat as they like. Yet 
 — I have frequently watched them at meals — 
 they will often leave something on the table. 
 Show me the dog who would do that ! A dog 
 would take his opportunities." This was all 
 wonderfully true. "And then see what rotten 
 little families humans have. If they have 
 triplets they think no end of themselves, and 
 they receive the Royal Victorian Order, or 
 something. Look, on the other hand, at our 
 families. When we do a thing we do it well. 
 If we decide to have children there is no half- 
 heartedness about us, and a proud mother of 
 duodecimplets is almost an everyday affair. 
 And note how much more quickly we mature 
 than humans. Compare one of us when a year 
 old with that squealing, helpless mass of pulp 
 known as a baby." 
 
 And so he would go on. There was, of 
 course, a great deal in what he said. There is 
 a large amount of make-believe about humans. 
 Humans think they are very impressive, and 
 all that, but I happen to have seen them at 
 
 158
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 their amusements. Once, for example, I peeped 
 in at a " Dance." There they were turning each 
 other round and round for hours together, with 
 stupid expressions on their faces. And I have 
 seen my master in pyjamas. Believe me, 
 humans are not very fine fellows then. 
 
 And The Man-Hater would, with a view to 
 weaning us from our respect for humans, 
 impress on us our great value. Dogs, he 
 declared, were frequently sold for as much as 
 ;^ioo, and he would call upon us to show him 
 the man who would fetch that price. He had 
 even heard of the enormous sum of ;^8oo being 
 given for a dog ; and, by a characteristic piece 
 of sharp practice, the dog himself was never 
 allowed to touch the money he had earned. 
 The injustice of this he brought home to 
 us by pointing out that ;^8oo carefully 
 invested would bring in j^'^i a year. "Think 
 of the bones one could buy with that ! ", he 
 cried excitedly. Statements of this sort would 
 be received by the majority of us with loud 
 yapping. Value, The Man-Hater held, should 
 carry with it corresponding rights. At a 
 moderate estimate he calculated that the 100,000 
 
 159 L 2
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 dogs in London were worth ;;^7 0,000, coo. This 
 figure he arrived at from the fact that he had 
 seen it stated that a recent exhibition of 3,500 
 of the most worthless sort of dogs, namely, 
 Show dogs, had represented a value of ;^25o,ooo. 
 So much for their capital value. The earning 
 capacity of dogs, too, was immense. At the 
 Jubilee Show of the Kennel Club they had 
 made ;;^6,900 in prizes, and it was significant 
 that, when dogs did care to compete at Dog 
 Shows, they invariably carried all before them. 
 " If only we dogs had a little better idea 
 of our value and showed a united front we 
 could get rid of all our disabilities," he declared 
 again and again. " Let us not be afraid to 
 demonstrate our power. On the few occasions 
 when we have done so we have always been 
 successful. Some of us are old enough to re- 
 member the time when a law was passed that 
 every dog was to wear a muzzle. But we dogs 
 would not stand interference in such a private 
 matter as dress, and what happened? The 
 obnoxious statute was withdrawn. Moreover, I 
 would remind such of you as champion humans 
 
 that whenever there has been any anti-dog 
 
 160
 
 THE MAN-HATER 
 
 legislation it has always emanated from humans. 
 How long are you meekly going to put up 
 with this? At present we dogs — or some of 
 us — protect our so-called masters. If you liked 
 to put forth your power all this might be 
 altered, and the more pleasant picture might 
 be seen of humans lying outside dog-kennels 
 at night guarding their far more valuable 
 occupants. Drive home your power, dogs. The 
 humans already acknowledge it to a certain 
 extent. Take, for example, the notice ' Cave 
 Caneni,' which the Captain will tell you is 
 foreign for ' Beware of the Dog.' These mere 
 words, with no dog behind them, are sufficient 
 to inspire terror in the hearts of humans. 
 There is a tribute to you 1 Consider what it 
 means. Wake up, dogdom 1 " And I would 
 growl, but the Captain would merely smile and 
 shake his head. 
 
 i6i
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S ATTITUDE TO 
 
 HUMANS
 
 THE CAPTAIN'S ATTITUDE 
 TO HUMANS 
 
 UNLIKE the rest of us, the Captain 
 would always refuse to be impressed 
 by The Man-Hater. He let him make 
 speeches, he said, because it amused 
 him. But The Man-Hater, he held, ranted, and 
 did not talk practical politics. One day, I 
 recollect, after The Man-Hater had delivered an 
 impassioned oration proving conclusively the 
 inferiority of Man, the Captain said to him 
 quietly, " By-the-by, my young friend, were 
 you not thrashed within half-an-inch of your 
 life last night by a butcher for stealing a 
 chop?", and The Man-Hater slunk off. The 
 Captain had a way of making one feel small 
 like that. 
 
 And one of the Captain's trite sayings was, 
 " Recognise things as they are. Never forget 
 
 165
 
 CAPTAIN'S ATTITUDE TO HUMANS 
 
 that the Isle of Man is bigger than the Isle 
 of Dogs." 
 
 The Captain, himself, was strangely tolerant 
 of humans. He was, indeed, inclined to spoil 
 them. For instance, if, when I was out with 
 
 'S^1jB»» 
 
 THE MAN-HATER SLUNK OFF. 
 
 my people, we were to meet the Captain, he 
 
 would always say " How-do-you-do " to my 
 
 people before passing the time of day to me. 
 
 And he would behave in the same way when 
 
 he came to my house. I always felt it, but 
 
 the Captain held that politeness cost nothing, 
 
 and might mean a biscuit. " Never quarrel 
 
 with your food " was one of his rules of life. 
 
 i66
 
 CAPTAIN'S ATTITUDE TO HUMANS 
 
 The Captain, further, had a theory that the 
 majority of humans were really well-meaning, 
 and that most of the mistakes they made were 
 due to ignorance rather than to malice. We 
 must remember, he said, that even when they 
 thrash us for attacking other dogs they pro- 
 bably have not heard what has been said to 
 us ; and we should at the same time remember 
 this — that we are sometimes called good dogs 
 when we are not that. " Think of the hundreds 
 of whackings you have all earned and not 
 received." And we should not forget that they 
 often take considerable pains to make them- 
 selves understood by us. For example, when 
 they are going out for a walk, they put on 
 hats. To show us it is dinner-time, they don 
 evening dress. When they are leaving town 
 they put themselves to the trouble of taking 
 huge boxes with them. And even the fire- 
 engine men, against whom so many dogs 
 rail, have the decency to shout themselves 
 hoarse to give us a chance of getting out of 
 the way. 
 
 But, just as the Captain held that it was 
 
 unfair to hate humans, so he considered it 
 
 167
 
 CAPTAIN'S ATTITUDE TO HUMANS 
 
 absurd to envy them to the extent that some 
 dogs did. Beyond the fact that humans have 
 unlimited food, and need not take baths unless 
 it is their hobby, he considered that all the 
 advantage was on the side of the dogs. " It 
 might, in fact," he once remarked, " almost be 
 said that humans are our slaves. They earn 
 our food, and even wait on us, while we sit 
 at home in luxury and ease." 
 
 One of the Captain's maxims was, " Let 
 dogs be dogs, and let humans be humans." 
 Nothing riled him more than to see dogs 
 copying humans, especially in matters of dress, 
 and he told me that once he was frankly sick 
 under the table when his mistress read an article 
 from the paper on " Fashions for Dogs," from 
 which it transpired that many dogs now wear 
 sealskin jackets, with pockets for perfumed hand- 
 kerchiefs, and carry any amount of jewellery ; 
 while some little fops are actually dyed to 
 match their mistress's dress, so that a scarlet 
 fox terrier or a squash-strawberry bull-dog may 
 yet be seen. By-the-by, the next issue of the 
 paper contained an anonymous letter protesting 
 
 strongly against all this tomfoolery, and I have 
 
 i68
 
 CAPTAIN'S ATTITUDE TO HUMANS 
 
 a pretty shrewd idea as to who wrote it. It 
 certainly contained the word " degeneracy," which 
 I have heard the Captain use more than once ; 
 and, when I asked the Captain if the letter were 
 his, he did not deny it. 
 
 169
 
 THE GREAT FOOD QUESTION
 
 ^S'
 
 EVEN THE CAPTAIN WENT THROUGH THE PERFORMANCE KNOWN AS BEGGING.
 
 THE GREAT FOOD 
 QUESTION 
 
 THERE was only one respect in which 
 the Captain would unreservedly allow 
 that humans left much to be desired. 
 I refer to Food. The Captain had a 
 fine appetite, and he frequently found it thwarted. 
 I did what little I could for him myself. I held 
 that an exceptional fellow like the Captain should 
 be bound by no ordinary dog rules, and, when 
 he came to my house, he always had the run 
 of my bones and biscuits. Indeed I have often 
 gone hungry for the Captain. 
 
 Humans are undoubtedly the greediest 
 animals in existence. They have four meals a 
 day, and make a fuss if one of us asks for a 
 mouthful. 
 
 The Hog used to say that no dog need 
 
 starve. But that is nonsense. Not all of us 
 D.w. 175 M
 
 THE GREAT FOOD QUESTION 
 
 have The Hog's wonderful digestion, and not all 
 
 of us care to convert ourselves into stock-pots. 
 
 And not only do we starve in the midst of 
 
 plenty, but the price 
 we have to pay for 
 such crumbs as we 
 get is loss of self- 
 respect. 
 
 Even the Cap- 
 tain sat on the floor 
 during mealtime 
 waiting servilely for 
 scraps from the rich 
 man's table. It 
 would irritate nie, 
 so the effect on one 
 of the Captain's dig- 
 nity may easily be 
 imagined. It was an 
 insult to his position. 
 And then the uncertainty of the thing. We 
 never know how much we are going to get. 
 When they give us something from the table 
 they never say whether more is coming. Con- 
 sequently, we bolt what is thrown us, so as 
 
 176 
 
 waiting for scraps from the rich 
 man's table.
 
 THE GREAT FOOD QUESTION 
 
 not to keep them waiting if they should want 
 to give us a second bit. But, in ninety-nine 
 cases out of a hundred that second bit never 
 comes. All you have in its place is heart- 
 racking remorse at the thought that you might 
 have lingered longer over the first bit. 
 
 And at times insult is added to injury. 
 Frequently my master, on offering me some- 
 thing from the hoarded store on his plate, has 
 said, '* Now, don't snatch ! " Let him practise 
 what he preaches. I have frequently heard 
 him say that he himself had snatched a hasty 
 meal during the day. 
 
 And some people seem to think, amusingly, 
 that empty praise can take the place of food. 
 They will admire my alert expression when 
 they are talking to me, and studiously ignore 
 the fact that I am straining every muscle of 
 my brain to try and hear some mention of 
 eatables. A remark that is frequently made is, 
 " How intelligent he looks, sitting there. He 
 takes in everything." But they seldom give 
 you a chance of showing how you could take 
 in a lump of the pudding the greedy beasts 
 are eating. 
 
 177 M 2
 
 THE GREAT FOOD QUESTION 
 
 Humans starve you, and then, if, maddened 
 by the pangs of hunger, you become a thief, 
 you never hear the end of it. The wonder is 
 that so few dogs join the criminal classes. I 
 only stole once. It was game. Some dogs 
 like biscuits, others bones. I would sell my 
 soul for game. There was a duck for dinner, 
 and none was given me. So I helped myself 
 afterwards to its entire carcase. I was whipped 
 for it. But it was worth the whipping. I got 
 the best of the bargain. 
 
 The Captain held that, to obtain food, 
 almost anything short of murder was justifi- 
 able. He even went through the performance 
 known as "Begging" for it — though I fancy 
 this was never known to the other members 
 of the Club. The scandal that one in his posi- 
 tion should be forced to such humiliating means 
 of earning his bread must be patent to all. 
 
 As for myself, I was often reduced to 
 eating flies. They make unsatisfactory food, 
 but they are better than nothing. They say 
 that fly-eating makes you thin — but don't you 
 believe it : that idea was cleverly set on foot 
 
 by the flies themselves. I became in course of 
 
 178
 
 THE GREAT FOOD QUESTION 
 
 time something of an expert at catching them. 
 I would lie down by the fire, and sham dead. 
 The unsuspecting flies would then think them- 
 selves safe, and try all sorts of dare-devil tricks 
 with me — and pretty fools they would look 
 when I suddenly ate them. 
 
 Talking of flies reminds me of a whimsical 
 idea of the Captain's. He was asked, one day, 
 when a youngster, what he would like to be if 
 he were not a dog. He answered promptly, 
 " A fly." Pressed for his reason, he stated, 
 " Because it is so jolly to be able to get a ride 
 on horse-back whenever you want to." 
 
 179
 
 MY PEOPLE
 
 
 MY MISTRESS EVEN MADE ME SALUTE,
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 I TOO, had to perform parlour tricks for 
 my food. It was hard on a warrior 
 to be forced thus to bemean himself 
 * — still, as the Captain said, this is a 
 world of compromise. My mistress even 
 made me salute, with an absurd three-cornered 
 paper cap on my head. The only redeem- 
 ing feature of this tomfoolery was the slight 
 military touch about it. She tried, too, to 
 make me " shake hands " whenever I entered 
 the room in the morning. I did this at first 
 when it meant a lump of sugar, but, when 
 she dropped giving me the sugar, I cured her 
 of her love for the trick. It was one of the 
 Captain's smart ideas. I would go out into 
 the road before my mistress came down to 
 breakfast, get my feet thoroughly dirty, and, 
 when she said " Shake," she would find a 
 damp, muddy paw in her hand. Another of 
 
 185
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 her tricks was to plant a biscuit on my nose, 
 and refuse to let me eat it until she gave me 
 permission. Sometimes she would keep me 
 like this for several minutes, and I often won- 
 dered what would become of my prestige if 
 
 a member of the 
 Club were suddenly 
 to come in. Some- 
 times, for a lark, my 
 mistress would press 
 her fingers on my 
 nose for a second, 
 and make me be- 
 lieve a biscuit was 
 there, and, at the 
 words, " Now you 
 may have it I ", I 
 would throw up my 
 nose, but of course 
 nothing would come off. The first time my 
 mistress did this, I remember, I growled at her 
 when I discovered the deception. I also re- 
 member that the next moment I was so ashamed 
 of myself that I went under the table of my 
 own accord. After that I always humoured her, 
 
 i86 
 
 I CURED HER OF HER LOVE FOR THE 
 TRICK.
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 and made her think that I believed that there 
 really was a biscuit there, even when I knew 
 there was none. 
 
 For I have always been fond of my mistress, 
 even though her opinions and mine as to what 
 constituted over-feeding did not coincide, and 
 even though she sometimes whipped me for 
 fighting other dogs without considering what 
 the provocation had been. The Captain used to 
 say that I was in love with her, but that was 
 nonsense. I had, however, a healthy admira- 
 tion for her, which is more than I had for 
 my master. I would do almost anything for 
 my mistress, and, even when she had given 
 me a beating, after sulking for a time I 
 would lick her hand to show that I had for- 
 given her. Indeed, she came to rely on this, 
 and sometimes, when she had friends, and had 
 punished me in their presence, she would say, 
 " See, he'll kiss my hand, to show he is sorry." 
 Then, as likely as not — it would depend on 
 my humour — I would refuse for some minutes 
 to do so, to prevent her getting too cocky. 
 Besides, she should not have beaten me when 
 strangers were present. 
 
 187
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 She had many good points, had my mistress. 
 She dressed smartly, and I was always proud 
 to be seen out with her. Then, again, her sister 
 had a baby, and no dog. My mistress had a 
 dog, and no baby. I was always glad that there 
 was no family. The Captain's people had a 
 number of sons, and I should say it was a 
 nuisance having so many masters. Still, he 
 managed them all right, as he did everything 
 well. 
 
 And my mistress used to brush and comb 
 me. I liked that. It is soothing, and after- 
 wards one has the gentlemanly feeling for a 
 time. 
 
 Some of the happiest evenings in my life, 
 too, have been spent in the company of the 
 Captain and my mistress. I refer to the Biscuit 
 Races organised by my mistress. She would lie 
 on the sofa, with some biscuits by her side, and 
 we two dogs would sit on the floor, looking 
 up. Suddenly she would seize a biscuit, and 
 throw it as far away as she could, and the 
 Captain and I would race for it. It was rare 
 fun. The Captain used to get the biscuit more 
 
 often than I, but he never guessed it was because 
 
 i88
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 I let him. What an appetite he had ! Would 
 that I had let him have them all 1 
 
 The Captain, who understood all about such 
 things, once told me that the reason why I 
 preferred my mistress to my master was that 
 we naturally like our opposites. But I think 
 there was something more in it than this. 
 
 My master, for all I know, may have been 
 an admirable citizen, son, husband, and all 
 the rest of it, and he certainly worked hard 
 for my mistress and me, but he never suc- 
 ceeded in gaining my affections. He had 
 silly ways. For instance, he had a cowardly 
 method of punishing me when I had done 
 wrong — or, I should say, mispleased him. 
 He would say, ''Ah, that's a pity now, old 
 man. If you had not done that, I was going 
 to have allowed you to walk about on the 
 table this evening when dinner was laid, and 
 you would have been permitted to take any- 
 thing you liked " — and so on. I half believed 
 it was not true : still, it might have been, 
 and the thought would madden me. If it was 
 an attempt at being funny, it was in very 
 
 bad taste. I like a joke as well as anyone, 
 
 189
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 but I do not consider food a fit subject for 
 jest — in which I fancy all dogs will agree 
 with me. And I shall not forget in a hurry 
 the silly fuss he made when I stole the duck's 
 skeleton. When I appeared in the hall the 
 next morning ready for a walk, he declared 
 that he could not go out with a thief — that 
 he should not care to be seen in my company 
 — that everyone would point a finger at him 
 as being the friend and associate of bad 
 characters, etc., etc., until, finally, I turned 
 round and went back to the kitchen, for his 
 meanness over a piece of dirty duck fairly 
 disgusted me, and I decided that / should not 
 care to be seen out with him. As a matter 
 of fact, I seldom went for a walk with him, 
 for, if I did, as likely as not he would fool 
 me. I would imagine that we were off for a 
 nice long jaunt, when suddenly he would jump 
 into an omnibus, or a cab, or dive under- 
 ground, and with the words, '' Duped, by !" 
 
 I would have to turn back. It was a dirty 
 trick, but I soon got to know it, and some- 
 times he would beg me to accompany him, 
 but not a step would I stir. 
 
 igo
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 By-the-by, at times I would have fun with 
 him. I would start for a walk with my 
 mistress and him, and, if my mistress was 
 carrying the whip, I would, when we had gone 
 some way, leave them. Then, as my mistress 
 still had the whip, but there was no dog with 
 her, everyone must have imagined that she 
 was carrying the whip because her husband 
 was liable to be troublesome. 
 
 Perhaps I liked my master least when he 
 took to patronising us, as he sometimes did. 
 Once I overheard him telling a friend that he 
 was not so sure that he did not prefer dogs 
 to humans. The sting was in the " not so 
 sure." 
 
 And I have known him stand between a 
 cat and a dog. There was a yellow beast 
 named Tabby Ochre who lived near us, and, 
 one day, when The Torpedo had almost done 
 for her, my master coolly interfered, and The 
 Torpedo lost the chance of a lifetime. This 
 cat, who was a well-known sprinter, had for 
 long merited extermination for a treacherous 
 attack on the Captain. One day the Captain 
 found her just about to tackle a saucer of 
 
 191
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 milk. " Let's share it," said the Captain, who, 
 when he wished, could fascinate anyone or any- 
 thing. Tabby Ochre consented, and the Captain 
 actually persuaded her to let him have first 
 go-in. Now the Captain was never one to 
 lose an opportunity, and, before Tabby Ochre 
 
 liSci 
 
 k'^ 
 
 THE CATTAIN AND TABBY OCHRE. 
 
 realised what was happening, the Captain had 
 
 wolfed the lot. Tabby Ochre was furious, and 
 
 demanded an explanation. " It's all right," said 
 
 the Captain, " Fve left you the saucer as your 
 
 share." Which was witty, but show me the cat 
 
 who can take a joke, and the Captain was an 
 
 192
 
 MY PEOPLE 
 
 awful sight when Tabby Ochre had done with 
 him. She was promptly placed on our execu- 
 tion list, but she escaped again and again 
 owing to her fleetness of foot. 
 
 Still, no one, I suppose, is all bad, and I 
 once had occasion to admire even my master. 
 One afternoon, when I was out for a walk by 
 myself, I was, to my huge surprise, suddenly 
 arrested by a constable, and dragged to a police 
 station. My master — it was smart of him to 
 smell where I was so quickly — appeared in the 
 evening, and demanded the reason of my 
 arrest. " He was wandering about not under 
 control," said the smooth-tongued officer. This, 
 of course, was a lie. It is true that I almost 
 lost control of myself upon hearing this mis- 
 statement, but at the time of my arrest I had 
 myself under perfect control. To my master's 
 credit he defended me with some heat, declaring 
 that I could find my way about anywhere, and 
 the upshot of it was that we left the police 
 station together, better friends than we had 
 been for some time, and the lying constable 
 looked pretty small. 
 
 D.W. 193 N
 
 SMITH
 
 ^
 
 (g^'l ,o J 
 
 MY WORD, BUT I WAS SURPRISED.
 
 SMITH 
 
 MENTION of my people reminds me 
 of Smith. 
 Smith was a blot on my repu- 
 tation, just as Shah was on the 
 Captain's. 
 
 The Captain and I — though it never leaked 
 out — both had cat friends. 
 
 I believe that such secret breaches of dog 
 etiquette are not altogether uncommon, though 
 seldom confessed. Indeed, there are not want- 
 ing those — and among them, the Captain — who 
 hold that it shows a certain generosity of 
 temperament — a fine freedom from prejudice — 
 to admit one cat, as an exception, to all the 
 privileges of our friendship. Still such views 
 were never aired in public, for they would only 
 have been misunderstood by the lesser minds. 
 The Captain suffered a handsome but proud 
 
 Persian to be his friend and contemporary — in 
 
 199
 
 SMITH 
 
 his home. I shall never forget how thunder- 
 struck I was when, by accident, I first made 
 the discovery. I found the creature hiding 
 under a chair in the Captain's dining-room, and 
 was proceeding to rush her out, when the Cap- 
 tain, livid with rage, cried, "How dare you?" 
 I had never seen him so angry, and I said, " I 
 beg your pardon, but I thought it was a cat." 
 
 " So it is," he answered, " and don't you 
 dare to touch her." 
 
 "Hoity-toity!", said I, losing my temper in 
 turn. " Likewise what-ho I ", and I made for 
 the door. The Captain barred my way, and 
 his tone altered slightly. 
 
 " Naturally, what you have seen is confiden- 
 tial," he said. I agreed, for my tantrums were 
 always soon over. "And if you dare to tell a 
 soul," he added, " I'll hound you out of the 
 town." He need not have threatened me. 
 Still, he was the Captain, and in a minute I 
 was asking his pardon for having forgotten 
 myself. My word, but I was surprised. 
 
 Soon afterwards. Smith, who was just an 
 ordinary tabby — grey fur, lined inside with pink 
 — stepped into my life. 
 
 200
 
 SMITH 
 
 She came to us 
 please my mis- 
 tress, I befriended 
 her. 
 
 The awf u 1 
 name Smith she 
 received from my 
 master. My mis- 
 tress begged that 
 it might, at any 
 rate, be Smythe, 
 but my master 
 was a bit of a 
 tyrant. He in- 
 sisted on naming 
 all the cats who 
 came to his house 
 Smith, and the 
 previous one had 
 
 left 
 
 on 
 
 that 
 
 ac- 
 
 as a tiny kitten, and, to 
 
 ^: 
 
 SMITH — GREV VVR, LINED INSIDE WITH PINK. 
 
 count. There was 
 
 nothing funny about it : it was merely silly and 
 
 tyrannical. 
 
 As a kitten. Smith was somewhat trying. 
 She would insist on my playing with her, 
 
 201
 
 SMITH 
 
 whether I was in the mood or not. She grew 
 up, however, into a lady-like, genteel young 
 person, and something of an athlete. She was 
 not so aristocratic in appearance as Shah, but 
 nevertheless I was not ashamed of her. 
 
 SHE WOULD INSIST ON MV PLAYING WITH HER. 
 
 It was a great thing to have had the train- 
 ing of her from infancy, and I sometimes won- 
 dered whether the objectionable qualities in 
 other cats might not, after all, be due, to a 
 large extent, to their bringing up. It was won- 
 derful how fond I became of the little beggar, 
 
 202
 
 SMITH 
 
 and she, I felt, both loved and respected me. 
 I fancy, in fact, that to Smith I was the Cap- 
 tain — and I rather liked the feeling. I would 
 often surprise her gazing admiringly at me. I 
 
 I FANCY THAT TO SMITH I WAS THE CAPTAIN. 
 
 was to her, it was evident, the embodiment of 
 
 beauty and physical strength. 
 
 And I took pains not to disillusionise her 
 
 in regard to the latter point. At the cost of 
 
 some inconvenience, when she pricked me, I 
 
 203
 
 SMITH 
 
 often pretended that I did not feel it. And I 
 informed her that if I liked I could brain her 
 with one blow from my paw. And I would tell 
 her tales of combats with other dogs which would 
 make her hair stand on end, so that the nervous 
 little thing would beg me to take more care of 
 myself. Sometimes I could not resist the temp- 
 tation, and I would stick it on a bit, and tell 
 her, for instance, how I had had a fight with 
 a couple of horses and easily overcome them, or 
 that I had chased half-a-dozen policemen for 
 over two miles. Smith was curiously simple- 
 minded, and it was the easiest thing in the 
 world to stuff her. I told her that dogs really 
 had claws, only they were too good-natured to 
 use them. One day, again, she confessed to 
 me that she had an immense admiration for 
 flies — she thought it so clever of them to walk 
 upon the ceiling. At this I informed her that 
 it was really quite easy, and that, when I was 
 younger, I would think nothing of running 
 round the ceiling two or three times before 
 breakfast. And she believed it, Lord forgive 
 me ! It was wonderful the opinion Smith had 
 of me. 
 
 204
 
 SMITH 
 
 Now and then Smith would try a little 
 mild bragging. For example, one morning 
 she informed me that she too was a Quad- 
 ruped, and I almost died of laughing. It 
 seems that another cat had told her so. Trust 
 cats, when they get together, to talk either non- 
 sense or scandal. Which reminds me that the 
 vile Tabby Ochre once declared to Smith that 
 the Captain was one of the most cowardly dogs 
 she had ever met. Smith had the decency, 
 and the pluck, to tell her she was a liar. 
 That, anyhow, was the explanation Smith gave 
 of a nasty scar on her nose. By-the-by, some 
 of Smith's mouse tales took a lot of believing. 
 
 A point about Smith for which I could not 
 help having a hearty admiration was her agility. 
 Smith used to say " Everything that a cat can 
 get belongs to her," and, if she were hungry, 
 she would, with the greatest ease, jump on to a 
 shelf and help herself — while, if I were to have 
 attempted such a feat, I know the dish would 
 have come down with a clatter. 
 
 Naturally enough Smith and I influenced 
 each other's habits and customs to some extent. 
 I taught Smith how to lie down in a dignified 
 
 205
 
 SMITH 
 
 manner, with her paws straight out in front, 
 and she taught me how to curl up comfortably. 
 It used to amuse me to see how Smith aped 
 me in a hundred and one ways. She even 
 took to scratching herself. And she would eat 
 plain bread like I did, because she thought it 
 manly. And I taught her to wag her tail when 
 she was pleased, like a civilised person, instead 
 of when she was angry. This was great fun, 
 as humans would be doing what she liked, and 
 then they would suddenly stop, as they thought 
 she disliked it. 
 
 By the way, the Captain once told me that 
 the disagreement between dogs and cats owed 
 its origin to tail-wagging. At the beginning 
 of things, when animals had just been invented, 
 the dogs declared that it was the correct 
 thing to wag your tail when you were pleased, 
 while the cats took the opposite view, and they 
 have been fighting about it ever since. 
 
 The one thing that I feared in regard to 
 
 Smith was that she would try to accompany 
 
 me out of doors. I did all I could to frighten 
 
 her off the idea by drawing a highly coloured 
 
 picture of the dangers of the streets. I ran 
 
 206
 
 SMITH 
 
 motor-cars for all they were worth. I told her 
 how the machinery of the cars, to their owners' 
 
 " WOULD YOU RUIN ME ! " I HISSED, 
 
 great annoyance, was constantly getting clogged 
 up with cats. I also told her how the motorists 
 wore coats lined with cat-skins, and how many 
 cats, especially tabbies, were kidnapped for the 
 
 207
 
 SMITH 
 
 sake of their valuable clothes, stripped, and left 
 naked by the roadside. In spite of this, one 
 fine morning, judge of my alarm, on looking 
 round, to find Smith following me ! My rage 
 knew no bounds. " Would you ruin me 1" I 
 hissed. Smith, I fancy, had never seen me so 
 angry before. She crouched down, as though 
 fearing I would hit her, and then slunk back, 
 a picture of misery. It was, of course, a 
 flagrant act of disobedience, and I am glad to 
 say it was never repeated. It was the last 
 time I had occasion to make any complaint to 
 her. Taking her all in all she was a very 
 good little thing, and, my word, how the little 
 baggage adored me ! 
 
 The Captain's attitude to Smith was some- 
 what peculiar. The first time they met. Smith 
 ran up to the Captain, and anyone who did 
 not know the Captain would have said he was 
 afraid, for he moved off very quickly. After 
 that Smith would frequently attempt to play 
 with the Captain, as she often did with me. 
 She would try all her arts of coquetry — for she 
 was a bit of a flirt, was Smith — but the Captain 
 would always ignore her. Officially, it was 
 
 208
 
 "I I 
 
 ANYONE WHO DID NOT KNOW THE CAPTAIN WOULD HAVE SAID HE WAS AFRAID.
 
 SMITH 
 
 evident, the Captain had resolved to deny her 
 'existence. Smith sometimes complained of this 
 to me, but, as I told her, it was not for the 
 likes of her to expect one of the Captain's rank 
 and position to take notice of a little ordinary 
 tabby cat named Smith. 
 
 211
 
 THE CAPTAIN AND THE FAIR SEX 
 
 D.W. 
 
 O
 
 THE CAPTAIN AND THE 
 
 FAIR SEX 
 
 A WORD now as to the Captain and 
 the Fair Sex. 
 The Captain never dallied with 
 females in my time. Some say that 
 he had suffered a disappointment in his youth, 
 and he certainly often referred to women as 
 " fickle cattle." But the real reason, I feel 
 sure, was a far loftier one. He thought that 
 the example would be bad for the rest of us. 
 
 It was certainly not for want of encourage- 
 ment that the Captain was so abstemious. Any 
 number of designing females set their caps at 
 him, and some of them, in their attempts to 
 capture him, seemed dead to all feelings of 
 modesty. One of them, *' Black Maria," even 
 went so far, after the Captain's death, as to 
 
 declare that she had been engaged to him. It 
 
 215 o 2
 
 THE CAPTAIN AND THE FAIR SEX 
 
 was a falsehood. The only one of his many 
 admirers for whom the Captain ever showed the 
 slightest partiality was the dog Rose. She was a 
 handsome wench, and, so far as the Captain had 
 a tenderness for any woman, it was for her. 
 Indeed, he even issued instructions that, although 
 a thorough-breed, she was not to be molested by 
 any of our members, and this naturally set a 
 number of tongues wagging. But the Captain 
 was never engaged to her, let alone to Black 
 Maria. He went so far one day as to tell me 
 in confidence that, if he had been a marrying 
 man, Rose would have been the girl for his 
 money. In appearance she would have been a 
 worthy consort, and they would certainly have 
 been a good-looking couple. However, it was 
 not to be. The Captain never married, and, 
 when he died, his line died with him, while 
 Rose, I hear, remained an old maid all her life 
 for love of the Captain. 
 
 2l6 
 
 .'•\
 
 FURTHER FINE QUALITIES OF 
 THE CAPTAIN
 
 FURTHER FINE QUALITIES 
 OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 THIS account of the never-to-be-forgotten 
 Captain now approaches its close, and 
 if I have not mentioned all the Cap- 
 tain's splendid qualities, it is because, 
 to do the Captain adequate justice, many bulky 
 volumes would be required. I would have 
 liked to dilate on his wonderful ingenuity. 
 He rose to any difficulty. I recollect one day 
 when we went visiting an aunt of my people's, 
 who was always very generous to us, we 
 found the iron gate of the garden shut. The 
 Captain tried to push it open, but he was 
 not heavy enough. The dear little fellow next 
 put his head through the bars, but that was 
 no good. Then he retired a few steps and 
 rushed full pelt at the gate. The impact opened 
 it, and he succeeded in withdrawing his head 
 
 219
 
 FINE QUALITIES OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 and getting in before the gate closed again by 
 its own weight. Upon trying to imitate the 
 
 I, WITH MY USUAL CLUMSINESS, GOT MY HEAD THROUGH THE RAILS. 
 
 Captain's tactics I, with my usual clumsiness, 
 got my head through the rails, but could not 
 get it back again, and had to be rescued by a 
 passer-by. Which was characteristic of me. 
 
 220
 
 FINE QUALITIES OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 And then his extraordinary up-to-dateness, 
 if I may use the expression. He it was who 
 persuaded us to give up barking at motor-cars. 
 He told me that they were bound to come, and 
 we had better make the best of them ; it was 
 waste of energy to try and frighten them. 
 
 And his marvellous intuition I Once, when 
 my mistress returned home after being away 
 for a month, I rushed round to tell the Captain. 
 Before I had said a word the Captain cried, 
 " Your mistress is back 1 " I asked him after- 
 wards how he knew, and he said, " By the light 
 in your eyes, Ears." 
 
 And he was incapable of jealousy or sus- 
 picion. Only once in the course of our long 
 friendship did I know him for one moment to 
 distrust me. My people had bought me a 
 kennel. I invited the Captain round to see 
 my new villa, as I called it. It was a very 
 handsome one, and, when the Captain saw it, his 
 face clouded for a moment. " Ears," he said, 
 "are you aiming at the Captaincy ? " The next 
 moment I could see he was sorry. But the 
 Captain never apologised ; that was a quality I 
 rather admired in him. 
 
 221
 
 FINE QUALITIES OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 Only once did he bite me, and then it was 
 excusable, even if it was not, as I half believe, 
 
 I WAS RAINING KISSES ON HIM, AND I DID NOT KNOW HE HAD A SICK 
 
 HEADACHE. 
 
 an accident. I was raining kisses on him, as 
 I often would, and I did not know he had a 
 sick headache. 
 
 222
 
 FINE QUALITIES OF THE CAPTAIN 
 
 As a rule he had wonderful spirits. In 
 fact, I remember only one occasion when he 
 was really depressed. The Captain had a secret 
 larder behind some railings at the side of a 
 house near his. It was his holy of holies, and 
 even I was not allowed to enter. One day I 
 found the Captain in tears. Wire had been 
 placed over the bars of the railings, and he 
 could not get through. They might at least 
 have allowed him to clear out his larder first. 
 I took the poor little man home and gave him a 
 blow-out from my own store. This was shortly 
 before the end. 
 
 223
 
 THE END
 
 THE END 
 
 AND now I come to the Last Chapter. 
 And it will be a difficult one for me 
 to tell, for the thought of the Cap- 
 tain's end still cuts me like a knife. 
 Yes, he died, did this great dog, whose por- 
 trait I have attempted to draw. Would that 
 I had been taken in his place, for the world 
 could better have spared me. One cannot 
 understand these things. 
 
 How vividly I remember it all I How 
 strange that he who had never had a day's 
 serious illness in his life should go out sud- 
 denly like he did ! 
 
 On the evening before the end, he came 
 round to me. I offered him food. He refused 
 it. ''Captain," I said, "you're ill." He then 
 told me that all the afternoon he had been 
 suffering from dreadful pains in the underneath. 
 He had come round to me in the hope that a 
 
 227
 
 THE END 
 
 little walk might do him good. Even as he 
 told me this he was shaken by a dreadful 
 spasm, and I advised him to get home as 
 quickly as he could and go to bed. It was 
 evident that he had eaten something which had 
 disagreed with him. I then saw him home, 
 though it was only with the greatest difficulty 
 that he could walk, so frequent now were the 
 spasms. I did not offer to go in, as I could 
 see he would rather be left alone. So, with a 
 " Good-bye, old man ; keep yourself warm, and 
 I'll be round in the morning," I left him, little 
 thinking that that would be the last time I 
 should see the dear fellow. I remember that 
 as I spoke to him he looked up gratefully 
 at me. 
 
 Stupidly, I did not realise how serious 
 the matter was. The Captain had had similar 
 attacks in a small way before, and they had 
 always passed off overnight. I had often told 
 him that he was not sufficiently particular as 
 to what he ate. Sometimes, when very hungry, 
 he would pick up things in the road. 
 
 Yet, in a vague sort of way, I seemed to 
 have a kind of premonition of what was going 
 
 228
 
 THE END 
 
 to happen. I could not sleep, and, as soon as 
 the gate was unlocked in the morning, I rushed 
 up to the Captain's house. When I came to 
 the corner where the Captain, with his bright 
 little face, usually ran down to meet me, there 
 was no Captain there, and all the wag went 
 from my tail. I walked up to his door, but 
 there was still no Captain. With sinking 
 heart I sat down and whined until a servant 
 opened the door. Her eyes were red with 
 weeping. She patted my head, and all she 
 said was, " Poor, poor doggie 1 " 
 
 Then I knew. 
 
 I do not know how I dragged myself home. 
 I was as one stunned. The sense of over- 
 whelming misfortune seemed to numb me, and 
 my legs almost gave way under me. I could 
 not eat anything, and I remember my master, 
 who did not know what had happened, tried to 
 joke with me. In the afternoon my people 
 must have heard the news, for they were both 
 extra nice to me, and my mistress petted me 
 and tried in vain to tempt me with all sorts 
 of niceties from her special sugar-biscuit box. 
 
 Later in the afternoon I made another 
 D.w. 229 P
 
 THE END 
 
 journey to the house, for, on thinking it over, 
 I could not believe it. Somehow I thought the 
 Captain had so much influence that he would 
 never die ; and on reaching his street my heart 
 gave a great leap, for I noticed that in none of 
 the houses were the blinds drawn. In my ex- 
 citement I scratched the door impatiently, and 
 when it was opened I rushed into every room 
 crying "Captain! Captain!," but the only 
 answer I received was the servant's sobs, and 
 then indeed I knew that my dear friend was 
 no more. 
 
 Subsequently I learned that he had passed 
 away early in the morning, and the doctor who 
 was called in said it was Gastritis. So I was 
 wrong in thinking it was stomach trouble. The 
 Captain, I fancy, would have liked the big 
 word. 
 
 He was buried in the dead of the night at 
 
 some unknown spot. By reason of his being 
 
 hurried into a secret grave I was prevented, to 
 
 my eternal regret, from carrying out his last 
 
 wishes. The Captain had always feared lest 
 
 he should be buried alive, and he had made 
 
 me promise that, if he predeceased me, the 
 
 230
 
 THE END 
 
 most approved scientific method of ascertaining 
 whether there was still life in him should be 
 employed. So I was to have offered him a 
 biscuit. 
 
 Dear old fellow, I hope he knows it was 
 not my fault. 
 
 The suddenness of it all was appalling. 
 
 On the day following his death I was 
 summoned to a mass meeting of the Club, 
 which had been hastily called together by 
 interested parties. It was the fullest meeting 
 ever held. It had been rumoured that the 
 Captain had been poisoned by one of the rival 
 clubs, and there were angry threats of reprisals. 
 But there was very little genuine affection 
 for the Captain shown. It seemed to me that 
 I was the only one who was really heart- 
 sore. The question of a new Captain was 
 raised with indecent haste, and I think I was 
 the only one not mentioned for the post, as I 
 did not mention myself. As a matter of fact, 
 the Captain had once said, while dining at my 
 house, that, if anything were to happen to 
 him, he wished me to be his successor. But 
 I did not speak. I came away before the 
 
 231 p 2
 
 THE END 
 
 meeting was over, for it sickened me to hear 
 them wrangling over the leadership, and the 
 Captain scarcely gone. Mongrels 1 
 
 I had done with them. This was the respect 
 they paid to the memory of the Captain, who 
 had made them what they were — who had 
 slaved for them, and watched over them like 
 a father. Never again would I have anything 
 to do with the petty crew. Blood will tell, 
 after all. Bids were subsequently made for 
 me by the thorough-breeds, but their advances, 
 too, were rejected by me. I owed that to the 
 Captain. I was willing to become a social out- 
 cast. Thanks to the Captain, I was now strong 
 enough to stand alone. 
 
 The Club survived the Captain for about a 
 week. Then it split up into about a dozen 
 different societies and associations, some of 
 which comprised only two members, each with 
 the rank of Captain. 
 
 So the Captain's life work perished with him. 
 
 I, too, nearly died. For days I could not 
 touch food, and it was only thanks to the 
 loving care of my mistress, and the gentle con- 
 cern of Smith, that I was brought round. At 
 
 232
 
 SEATED ON HIS OWN DOORSTEP — SURROUNDED BY DEVOTED FRIENDS
 
 THE END 
 
 times I even thought of doing away with 
 myself, and that the first motor-car I met 
 might have me. But my mistress and Smith 
 made me feel that they would miss me. They, 
 and even my master, were very good to me, so 
 that I begin to see that the Captain was right 
 in his opinion of humans — as, of course, he was 
 right in everything. 
 
 What a rare fellow he was I The dear 
 Captain 1 Have I pictured him, I wonder ? 
 It is impossible, I fear, with my poor voca- 
 bulary, and my memory is not what it was. 
 
 Were I a sculptor, what a statue I would 
 raise to him ! Seated on his own doorstep — 
 surrounded by devoted friends, all looking up 
 to him — the wise head on the young shoulders. 
 How fine he looked then ! 
 
 By-the-by, it is good to know that his 
 name will not die out. In a grocer's shop, 
 the other day, I saw a tin of his favourite 
 biscuits. They are now called "Captain biscuits." 
 
 Sometimes I try to persuade myself that 
 the Captain's death was all for the best. 
 Latterly the poor old fellow had been haunted 
 by the fear that he was getting stout; He 
 
 235
 
 THE END 
 
 often asked me whether it was so, and I always 
 said " No." But it was so. 
 
 Still that does not make me miss him the 
 less. I am always, always thinking of him. 
 I have never recovered from the blow of 
 his loss. I am fond of my mistress, and 
 I am fond of Smith, but I have only been in 
 love once, and that was with the Captain: 
 
 No one, I suspect, would recognise in me 
 now the former dog of spirit. My master 
 calls me, jestingly, "The Fire Dog," for in the 
 long winter evenings I sit staring into the fire, 
 and thinking of the Captain, and wondering 
 whether I bored him with my love, and 
 reproaching myself for ever having been cross 
 with him even for a minute. Sometimes I 
 dream of him, Only last night, I had been 
 sleeping, and I woke up barking with joy, and 
 I pranced about the room, and made my 
 master open the street door, for I had dreamt 
 that the Captain was without. But I only 
 found Darkness there. My people seemed to 
 understand, and, when I cried, they patted me, 
 and tried to soothe me. 
 
 Well, well, I expect I am getting a foolish 
 
 236
 
 THE END 
 
 old fellow now, and soon, I suppose, I shall 
 solve that question of whether there is a Para- 
 dise for dogs. Of one thing, at any rate, I am 
 certain, that if Paradise there be, then the 
 Captain is there — and he is looking out for me. 
 
 237
 
 POSTSCRIPT
 
 POSTSCRIPT 
 
 A NOTE BY THE AUTHOR'S OWNER 
 
 /HAVE read this book naturally with 
 great interest. It is all quite true. I 
 am sorry to learn that my dog is not so 
 fond of 7ne as I am of him, and that 
 he does not think much of 7ne—but it shall 
 make no difference. In a way, I suppose, 
 my case is his own over again in regard to 
 the non- return of my affection. For the 
 Captain, so far as I could see, did not care a 
 rap for my dog. My dog gave the Captain of 
 the best of his love, and the Captain returned 
 none. 
 
 IVhile I knew that the Captain was one of 
 the leading dogs of the neighbourhood, I cer- 
 tainly never guessed, until I read this book, 
 what an important position he held. He was 
 undoubtedly a dog of fine intellect, and of 
 
 241
 
 POSTSCRIPT 
 
 extraordinary influence, but I cannot help think- 
 ing that, in the simplicity of his nature, my 
 dog over-rated the Captains character. My 
 dog has tried, I think, to play the role of the 
 impartial historian. Note how he mentions the 
 Captains cat. And, in attempting to portray 
 the Captain, he has succeeded in portraying 
 himself. But, had I been asked my opinion of 
 the Captain, I should have said without hesita- 
 tion that he was greedy, heartless, and lacking 
 in physical courage. The Captain was the 
 smart cockney, my dog the honest countryman. 
 
 I cannot speak too highly of my own dog. 
 He has many fine and generous qualities, and 
 is affectionate to a degree. His behaviour to 
 Smith is worthy of all praise. It is chivalry 
 in its finest form. When she is eating or 
 drinking, he never helps her, like dogs of less 
 fine material would do. 
 
 However, of one thing there is no doubt. 
 I refer to the gap which the Captains death 
 has made in my dogs life. I knew my dog, 
 of course, in the Sturm und Drang of his 
 youth. The difference now is painftil. All 
 the spring is gone from him; the spirit of 
 
 242
 
 POSTSCRIPT 
 
 adventure in him is dead. He leads a pur- 
 poseless, objectless existence, and old age has 
 come on him very suddenly. Still, I do not 
 share his gloomy forebodings, and I hope he 
 will be spared to tis for many years to come, 
 for a better dog — a more perfect gentleman — / 
 have never 7net. 
 
 IV. E. 
 
 BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. 
 
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 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES 
 
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