EUNIVER5/A. 
 ~ 
 
 55 c/ " y 
 ^ -r*. 
 
 g 
 
 i I 
 
 
 i l 
 
 
 St 
 
 3 3 
 
 o u. 
 
 3 
 
 2 
 
 %ojnv3-jo^
 
 \UFO% 
 
 2) 
 ML 
 
 S IOS-ANCEI 
 
 
 OUNCEltfe 
 
 JJ 1 ? 
 
 r V 2 u- 
 
 < 1 
 
 ^IFO% 
 ^^\ 
 
 
 1 1
 
 THE 
 
 NEW BATH GUIDE:' 
 
 o R 
 
 MEMOIRS' 
 
 OF THE 
 
 B N R D FAMILY. 
 
 IN A SERIES OF' 
 
 POETICAL EPISTLES. 
 
 Nullus in orbc locus Bali' prjelucet aracems. HOR, 
 
 THE ELEVENTH EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 I D RINTED FOR J. DODSLEYJ IN PALL-MALI, 
 
 M.DCC.LXXIX.
 
 Stack 
 Annex 
 
 5 
 
 TO THE READER. 
 
 JL Here prefent you with a collection of letters, written 
 by a family during their refidence at BATH. The firft 
 of them from a romantic young lady, addrefled to her 
 friend in the country, will bring you acquainted with the 
 reft of the characters, and fave you the trouble of read- 
 ing a dull introductory preface from 
 
 Your humble fervant, 
 
 THE EDITOR.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PART I. 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 A view from the Parades at Bath, with fome account of 
 the DRAMATIS PERSONA. 3 
 
 LETTER II. 
 
 Mr. B N R rD's reflections on his arrival at Bath. 
 The cafe of himfdf and company. The acquaintance 
 he commences, &c. &c. 12 
 
 LETTER III. 
 
 The Birth of FASHION, afpecimen of a modern ode. 19 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 
 A confutation of PHYSICIANS. , 28 
 
 LET-
 
 vi. CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER V. 
 
 SALUTATIONS of Balk, and an adventure of Mr. 
 B N a D'S in confequence thereof. 35 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 Mr. B N R D gives a defcription of BATHING. 43 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 A Panegyric on Bath, and a MORAY IAN HYMN. 52 
 
 LETTER VIII. 
 
 Mr. B N R D goes to the Rooms. His opinion of 
 GAMING. ,58 
 
 PART II. 
 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 JOURNAL: With a Song upon an eminent Cook at 
 Bath. 69 
 
 LET-
 
 QONTENTS. vii. 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 TASTE and SPIRIT. Mr. B N R D commences a 
 BEAU GAR? ON. 86 
 
 LETTER XL 
 
 A defcription of the BALL, with an epifode on BEAU 
 NASH - 93 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 HEAD-DRESS, with a little POLITE CON- 
 VERSATION. . 108 
 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 A PUBLIC BREAKFAST -- Motives for the fame. 
 A lift of the company. A tender fcene. An un- 
 fortunate incident. 117 
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B N R D informs Lady BETTY 
 how flie has been ele&ed to METHODISM by a 
 VISION. 129 
 
 S 
 
 LET-
 
 viJi. CONTENTS, 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 
 Serious REFLECTIONS of Mr. B-N--R--D. His BILL 
 of EXPENCES. The. DISTRESSES of the FAMILY. . 
 A FAREWELL to BATH. 133 
 
 P I L O G U E. 
 
 TO THE 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 CRITICISMS, and the GUIDE'S CONVERSATION with 
 three LA DIES of Piety, Learning, and Difcretion. 143 
 
 A Letter to Mifs JENNY W D R at Bath, from Lady 
 ELIZ. M D ss, her friend in the country; a young 
 Lady of neither Fafhion, Tafle, nor Spirit. 149 
 
 The CONVERSATION continued. The LADIES' Re- 
 ceipt for a NOVEL. The GHOST of Mr. QUIN. 160 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 NEW BATH GUIDE. 
 
 PART the FIRST. 
 
 B
 
 The New BATH GUIDE. 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 Mifs JENNY W D R, to Lady ELIZ. M-D-SS, 
 at . Caftle, North. 
 
 A View from the Parades at BATH, with forne Account 
 of the PRAMATIS PERSON. E. 
 
 OWc 
 
 r eet are yon' hills that crown this fertile vale ! 
 Ye genial fprings! PIERIAN waters, hail! 
 
 Hail woods and 1 lawns! Yes oft I'll tread 
 
 Yon' pine-clad mountain's fide, 
 Oft trace the gay enamelPd mead, 
 
 Where AVON rolls his prule. 
 
 B 2 Sure,
 
 ( 4 ) 
 
 Sure, next to fair CASTALI A'S ftreams, 
 
 And PINDUS' flow'ry path, 
 APOLLO moft the fprings efteems, 
 
 And verdant meads of Bath. 
 
 The Mufes haunt thefe hallow'd groves, 
 
 And here their vigils keep, 
 Here teach fond fwains their haplefs loves 
 
 In gentle ftrains to weep. 
 
 From water fprung, like flow'rs from dew, 
 What troops of bards appear ! 
 
 The god of verfe and phyfic too, 
 Infpires them twice a year. 
 
 Take
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 Take then, my friend, the fprightly rhyme, 
 While you inglorious wafte your prime, 
 At home in cruel durance pent, 
 On dull domeftic cares intent, 
 Forbid, by parent's harm decree, 
 To fhare the joys of Bath with me. 
 Ill-judging parent ! blind to merit, 
 Thus to confine a nymph of fpirit ! 
 With all thy talents doom'd to fade 
 And wither in th* unconfcious made ! 
 I vow, my dear, it moves my fpleen, 
 Such frequent inftances I've feen 
 Of fathers, cruel and unkind, 
 To all paternal duty blind. 
 
 What
 
 ( 6 )' 
 
 What wretches do we meet with often, 
 
 Whofe hearts no tendernefs can {often ! 
 
 Sure all good authors fhould expofe 
 
 Such parents, both in verfe and profe, 
 
 And nymphs infpire with refolution 
 
 Neier to fubmit to perfecution. 
 
 This wholefome fatire much enhances 
 
 The merit of our beft romances. 
 
 And modern plays that I could mention, 
 
 With judgment fraught, and rare invention, 
 
 Are written with the fame intention. 
 
 But, thank my ftars ! that worthy pair, 
 
 Who undertook a guardian's care, 
 
 My fpirit never have confin'd ; 
 
 (An inftance of their gen'rous mind)
 
 ( 7 ) 
 
 For Lady B N R D, my aunt, 
 Herfelf propos'd this charming jaunt; 
 All from redundancy of care 
 For SIM, her fav'rite fon and heir; 
 To him the joyous hours I owe 
 That Bath'?, enchanting fcenes beftow ; 
 Thanks to her book of choice receipts 
 That pamper'd him with fav'ry meats; 
 Nor lefs that day deferves a blefling 
 She cramm'd his fifter to excefs in : 
 For now {he fends both fon and daughter 
 For crudities to drink the water. 
 v And here they are, all bile and fpleen, 
 The flrangeft fifh that e'er was feen ; 
 With TABBY RUNT, their maid, poor creature, 
 The queereft animal in nature. 
 
 B 4 I'm
 
 ( 8 ) 
 
 I'm certain none of HOGARTH'S {ketches 
 E'er form'd a fet of ftranger wretches. 
 I own, my dear, it hurts my pride, 
 To fee them blundering by my fide ; 
 My fpirits flag, my life and fire 
 Is mortify'd an defefpoir, 
 When SIM, unfafhionable ninny, 
 In public calls me coujin Jenny ; 
 And yet, to give the wight his due, 
 He has fome (hare of humour too, 
 A comic vein of pedant learning 
 His converfation you'll difcern in, 
 The oddeft compound you can fee 
 Of (hrewdnefs and fimplicity, 
 With natural ftrokes of aukward wit, 
 That oft, like PARTHIAN arrows, hit; 
 
 For
 
 ( 9 ) 
 
 For when he feems to dread the fee, 
 He always ftrikes the hardeft blow ; 
 And when you'd think he means to flatter, 
 His panegyrics turn to fatire ; 
 But then no creature you can find 
 Knows half Co little of mankind, 
 Seems always blundering in the dark, 
 And always making fome remark ; 
 Remarks that fo provoke one's laughter, 
 One can't imagine what he's after : 
 And fure you'll thank me for exciting 
 In SIM a wonderous itcl) for writing; 
 With all his ferious grimace 
 To give defcriptions of the place. 
 No doubt his mother will produce 
 His poetry for general ufe, 
 
 And
 
 And if his bluntnefs does not fright you, 
 His obfervations muft delight you ; 
 For truly the good creature's mind 
 Is honeft, generous, and kind : 
 If unprovok'd, will ne'er difpleafe ye, 
 Or ever make one foul uneafy. 
 III try to make his filter PRUE 
 Take a fmall trip to Pindus too. 
 
 And Me the Nine fhall all infpire 
 To tune for thee the warbling lyre : 
 For thee the Mufe (hall every day 
 Speed, by the pofl, her rapid way. 
 For thee my friend, I'll oft explore 
 Deep treafures of romantic lore : 
 
 Nor
 
 Nor wonder if I gods create, 
 
 As all good bards have done of late ; 
 
 'Twill make my verfe run fmooth and even, 
 
 To call new deities from heaven : 
 
 Come then, thou goddefs I adore ! 
 
 But foft my chairman's at the door, 
 
 The ball's begun my friend, no more. 
 
 BATH, 1766. J W D~R 
 
 LET.
 
 LETTER II. 
 
 Mr.SiMKiNB N R D to Lady B N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Mr. B N R D'S reflexions on his arrival at Bath. 
 The cafe of himfelf and company. The 
 acquaintance he commences, &c. &c. 
 
 V V E all are a wonderful diftance from home ! 
 Two hundred and fixty long miles are we come ! 
 And fure you'll rejoice, my dear mother, to hear 
 We are fafely arriv'd at the fign of the Bear. 
 
 'Tis
 
 ( '3 ) 
 
 'Tis a plaguy long way ! but I ne'er can repine, 
 As my ftomach is weak, and my fpirits decline : 
 For the people fay here, be whatever your cafe, 
 You are fure to get well if you come to this place.- 
 Mifs JENNY made fun, as (he always is wont, 
 Of PRUDENCE my fitter, andTABiTHA RUNT; 
 And every moment fhe heard me complain, 
 Declar'd I was vapour'd, and laugh'd at my pain. 
 What tho' at Devizes I fed pretty hearty, 
 And made a good meal, like the reft of the party, 
 When I came here to Bath, not a bit could I eat, 
 Tho' the man at the Bea'r had provided a treat : 
 And fo I went quite out of fpirits to bed, 
 With wind in my ilomach, and noife in my head. 
 
 At
 
 As we all came for health (as a body may fay) 
 
 I fent for the doftor the very next day, 
 
 And the doftor was pleas'd, tho' fo fhort was the warning, 
 
 To come to our lodging betimes in the morning; 
 
 He look'd very thoughtful and grave, to be fure, 
 
 And I faid to myfelf, There's no hopes of a cure ! 
 
 But I thought I fhould faint, when I faw him, dear mother, 
 
 Feel my pulfe with one hand, with a watch in the other; 
 
 No token of death that is heard in the night 
 
 Could ever have put me fo much in a fright ; 
 
 Thinks I 'tis all over my fentence is paft, 
 
 And now he is counting how long I may laft. 
 
 Then he look'd at , and his face grew fo long, 
 
 I'm fure he thought fomething within me was wrong. 
 He determin'd our cafes, at length, (G d preferve us.') 
 I'm bilious, I find, and the women are nervous; 
 
 Their
 
 Their fyftems relax'd, and all turn'd topfy-turvy, 
 
 With hypochondriacs, obftruftions, and fcurvy; 
 
 And thefe are diftempers he muft know the whole orr, 
 
 For he talk'd of the peritoneum and colon, 
 
 Of phlegmatic humours opprefling the women, 
 
 From fceculent matter that fwells the abdomen ; 
 
 But the noife I have heard in my bowels like thunder, 
 
 Is a flatus, I find, in my left hypochonder. 
 
 So plenty of med'cines each day does he fend 
 
 Pojljingulas liquidas fedes fumencT 
 
 Ad crepitus vefper 1 ? man' promovend'; 
 
 In Englifli to fay, we mufl fwallow a potion 
 
 For driving out wind after every motion ; 
 
 The fame to continue for three weeks at leaft, 
 
 Before we mav venture the waters to tafle. 
 
 Five
 
 Five times have I purg'd, yet I'm fony to tell ye 
 
 I find the fame gnawing and wind in my belly ; 
 
 But, without any doubt, I (hall find myfelf ftronger, 
 
 When I've took the fame phyfic a week or two longer. 
 
 He gives little TABBY a great many dofes, 
 
 For he fays the poor creature has got the Ckloro/is, 
 
 Or a ravenous Pica, fo brought on the vapours 
 
 By fwallowing fluff me had read in the papers; 
 
 And ofte'n I've marvell'd Ihe fpent fo much money 
 
 In Water-dock Fffence, and Balfam of Honey; 
 
 Siidi tin&ures, elixirs, fuch pills have I feen, 
 
 I never could wonder her face was fo green. 
 
 Yet he thinks he can very foon fet her to right 
 
 With Teflic* Equin that me takes every night; 
 
 And when to her fpirits and ftrengthhe has brought her, 
 
 lie thinks me may venture to bathe in the water. 
 
 But
 
 ( '7 ) 
 
 But PRUDENCE is forc'd every day to ride out, 
 For he fays fhe wants thoroughly jumbling about. 
 Now it happens in this very houfe is a lodger, 
 
 Whofe name's NICODEMUS, but fome call him ROGER, 
 And ROGER'S fo kind as my lifter to bump 
 On a pillion, as foon as fhe comes from the pump ; 
 He's a pious good man, and an excellent fcholar, 
 And I think it is certain no harm can befall her; 
 For ROGER is confhmly laying his prayers, 
 Or fmging Come fpiritual hymn on the flairs. 
 But my coufm Mifs JENNY'S as frefh as a rofe, 
 And the Captain attends her wherever {he goes : 
 The Captain's a worthy good fort of a man, 
 For he calls in upon us whenever he can, 
 And often a dinner or fupper he takes here, 
 And JENNY and he talk of MILTON and SHAKES? EAR: 
 C For
 
 For the life of me now I can't think of his name, 
 But we all got acquainted as foon as we came. 
 
 Don't wonder, dear mother, in verfe I have writ, 
 For JE N N Y declares I've a good pretty wit ; 
 She fays that me frequently fends a few verfes 
 To friends and acquaintance, and often rehearfes : 
 Declares 'tis the fafliion; and all the world knows 
 There's nothing fo filthy, fo vulgar as profe. 
 And I hope, as I write without any connection, 
 I fliall make a great figure in DODS LEY'S Collection; 
 At leaft, when he choofes his book to encreafe, 
 I may take a fmall flight as a fugitive, puce. 
 But now, my dear mother, I'm quite at a (land, 
 So I reft your moft dutiful fon to command. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B N R
 
 LETTER III. 
 
 Mifs JENNY W D R, to Lady ELIZ. M-D-SS, 
 At CaHle, North. 
 
 The BIRTH of FASHION, a fpecimen of a 
 Modern Ode. 
 
 URE there are charms by Heaven afljgn'd 
 Tomodiflb life alone; 
 A grace, an air, a tafte refin'd, 
 To vulgar fouls unknown. 
 
 C 2 Nature,
 
 ( 20 ) 
 
 Nature, my friend, profufe in vain, 
 
 May every gift impart ; 
 If unimprov'd, they ne'er can gain 
 
 An empire o'er the heart. 
 
 Drefs be our care in this gay fcene 
 
 Of Pleafure's bleft abode: 
 
 t 
 Enchanting Drefs! if well I ween, 
 
 Meet fubjea for an Ode. 
 
 i 
 
 Come then, nymph of various mien, 
 
 * 
 Votary true of Beauty's queen, 
 
 Whom the young and ag'd adore, 
 And thy different arts explore, 
 FASHION, come : On me a- while 
 Deign, fantaftic nymph, to fmile. 
 
 MORIA
 
 ( 21 ) 
 
 MoRiA*thee, in times of yore, 
 To the motley PROTEUS bore ; 
 He, in bifhop's robes array'd, 
 Went one night to mafquerade, 
 Where thy fimple mother ftray'd: 
 She was clad like hannlefs quaker, 
 And was pleas'd my lord mould take ber 
 By the waift, and kindly make her; 
 And, with look demure, faid me, 
 " Pray, my Lord, do you know me? '* 
 He, with foothing, flattering arts, 
 Such as win all female hear*, 
 Much extoll'd her wit and beauty, 
 And declar'd it was his duty, 
 
 * The Goddefs of FOLX.Y; 
 
 3 As
 
 As (he was a maid of honour, 
 To confer his blefling on her. 
 There, 'mid drefs of various hue, 
 Crimfon, yellow, green, and blue, 
 All on furbelows and laces, 
 Slipt into her chafte embraces ; 
 Then, like fainted rogue, cry 'd he, 
 " Little quaker - you know me" 
 
 Fill'd with thee me went to France, 
 Land renown'd for complaifance, 
 Vers'd in fcience debonair, 
 Bowing, dancing, dreflinghair; 
 There (he chofe her habitation, 
 Fix'd thy place of education.
 
 Nymph, at thy aufpicious birth, 
 HEBE ftrew'd with flow'rs the earth; 
 Thee to welcome, all the Graces 
 Deck'd in ruffles, deck'd in laces, 
 With the God of Love attended, 
 And the CYPRIAN queen defcended. 
 Now you trip it o'er the globe, 
 Clad in party-colour'd robe, 
 And, with all thy mother's fenfe, 
 Virtues of your fire difpenfe. 
 
 Goddefs, if from hand like mine, 
 Aught be worthy of thy flirine, 
 Take the flow'ry wreath I twine. 
 
 Lead,
 
 Lead, oh! lead me by the hand, 
 Guide me with thy magic wand, 
 Whether deck'd in lace and ribbons, 
 Thou appear'fl like Mrs. GIBBON&, 
 Or the nymph of fmilinglook, 
 AtBatk yclept JAN ETTA COOK. 
 Bring, O bring thy eflence-pot, 
 Arrber, mufk, and "bergamot, 
 Eau de chipre, eau dc luce, 
 Sans pareil, and citron juice. 
 Nor thy band-box leave behind, 
 Fiil'd with ftores of every kindj 
 All th' enraptur'd bard fuppofes, 
 Who to FANCY odes compofesj 
 
 All
 
 All that FANCY'S felf has feign'd, 
 In a band-box is contain'd : 
 Painted lawns, and chequer'd fliades, 
 Crape, that's worn by love-lorn maids, 
 Water'd tabbies, flower'd brocades ; 
 Vi'lets, pinks, Italian pofies, 
 Myrtles, jeffamin, and rofes, 
 Aprons, caps, and 'kerchiefs clean, 
 Straw-built hats, and bonnets green, 
 Catguts, gauzes, tippets, ruffs, 
 Fans, and hoods, and feather'd muffs, 
 Stomachers, and pans-nets, 
 Earings, necklaces, aigrets, 
 Fringes, blonds, and mignionets; 
 Fine vermilion for the cheek, 
 Velvet patches a la grecqu,e, 
 
 Come,
 
 Come, bat don't forget the gloves. 
 Which, with all the fmiling loves, 
 VENUS caught young CUPID picking 
 From the tender bread of chicken ; 
 Little chicken, worthier far, 
 f Than the birds of J u N o' s car, 
 Soft as CYTHEREA'S dove, 
 Let thy {kin my Ikin improve ; 
 Thou by night (halt grace my arm, 
 And by day {halt teach to charm. 
 
 Then, O fweet goddefs, bring with thee 
 Thy boon attendant Gaiety, 
 Laughter, Freedom, Mirth and Eafe, 
 And all the fmiling deities ; 
 
 Fancy,
 
 ( 2 7 ) 
 
 Fancy, fpreading painted fails, 
 Loves that fan with gentle gales. 
 
 But hark ! methinks I hear a voice, 
 
 My organs all at once rejoice ; 
 
 A voice that/zyj, orjeems to fay^ 
 
 " Sifter, haften, fifter gay, 
 
 " Come to the pump room come away." 
 
 ATH, 1766. J W 
 
 LET-
 
 LETTER IV, 
 
 Mr. SIM KIN B N R D to LadyB N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 A CONSULTATION of PHYSICIANS. 
 
 JL-/EAR mother, my time has been wretchedly fpent 
 With a gripe or a hickup wherever I went, 
 My ftomach all fwell'd, till I thought it would hurft, 
 Sure never poor mortal with wind was fo curft! 
 .If ever I ate a good (upper at night, 
 I dream'd of the devil, and wak'd in a fright : 
 
 And
 
 And fo, as I grew ev'iy day worfe and worfe, 
 
 The do&or advis'd me to fend for a nurfe, 
 
 And the nurfe was fo willing my health to reftore, 
 
 She begg'd me to fend for a few doctors more ; 
 
 For when any difficult work 's to be done, 
 
 Many heads can difpatch it much fooner than one; 
 
 And I find there are doftors enough at this place, 
 
 If you want to confult in a dangerous cafe! 
 
 So they all met together, and thus began talking: 
 
 *' Good doctor, I'm your's 'tis a fine day for walking 
 
 *' Sad news in the papers G-d knows who's to blame! 
 
 " The colonies feem to be all in a flame 
 
 " Thisftamp aft, no doubt, might be good for the crown 
 
 41 But I fear 'tis a pill that will never go dowri 
 
 " What can Portugal mean ? Isjkc going to ftir up 
 
 " Convulfions and heats in the bowels of Europe ? 
 
 " Twill
 
 ( 3" ) 
 
 " Twill be fatal if England relapfes again, 
 
 " From the ill blood and humours of Bourbonzn&Spain. 
 
 Says I, ' My good doclors, I can't understand 
 
 ' Why the deuce ye take fo many patients in hand ; 
 
 Ye've a great deal of practice, as far as I find, 
 
 * But fince ye're come hither, do pray be fo kind 
 
 ' To write me down fomething that's good for the wind. 
 ' No doubt ye are all of ye great politicians, 
 
 * But at prefent my towels have need of phyficians : 
 
 * Confider my cafe in the light it deferves, 
 
 ' And pity the ftate of my flomach and nerves.' ~ 
 But a tight little doftor began a difpute 
 About adminiflrations, NEWCASTLE and BUTE, 
 Talk'd much of ceconomy, much of profufenefs. 
 Says anotherWThis cafe, which at firft was a loofenefs
 
 ( 3' ) 
 
 ** Is become a Tene/mut, and all we can do 
 
 " Is to give him a gentle cathartic or two ; 
 
 \ 
 " Firft get ofFthe phlegm that adheres to the Pliccc, 
 
 " Then throw in a med'cine that's pretty and fpicy ; 
 " A peppermuit draught, or a Come, let's be gone, 
 *' We've another bad cafe to consider at one/* 
 
 So thus they brufh'd off, each his cane at his nofe, 
 When JENNY came in, who had heard all their profe; 
 " I'll teach them," fays fhe, " at their next confultation, 
 " To come and take fees for the good of the nation." 
 I could not conceive what a devil {he meant, 
 But me feiz'd all the fluff that the doctor had fent, 
 And out of the window (he flung it down foufe, 
 As the firft politician went out of the houfe. 
 
 Decoclions
 
 Decoftions and fyrups around him all flew, 
 
 The pill, bolus, julep, and apozem too ; 
 
 His wig had the luck a cathartic to meet, 
 
 And fquafh went the gallipot under his feet. 
 
 She faid, 'twas a fhame I mould fwallow fuch fluff^ 
 
 When my bowels were weak, and the phyfic fo rough ; 
 
 Declar'd (he was fhock'd that fo many mould come 
 
 To be doftor'd .to death fuch a diftance from home, 
 
 At a place where they tell you that water alone 
 
 Can cure all diflempers that ever were known. 
 
 But, what is the pleafanteft part of the ftory, 
 
 She has order'd for dinner a piper and dory ; 
 
 For to-day Captain CORMORANT'S coming to dine, 
 
 That worthy acquaintance of JENNY'S and mine. 
 
 Tis a (name to the army, that men of fuch fpirit 
 
 Should never obtain the reward of their merit; 
 
 For
 
 ( 33 ) 
 
 For the Captain's as gallant a man, I'll be fworn, 
 And as honefl a fellow as ever was born : 
 After fo many hardfhips, and dangers incurr'd, 
 He himfelf thinks he ought to be better preferr'd. 
 And ROGER, or what is his name, NICODEMUS, 
 Appears full as kind, and as much to efleem us ; 
 Our PRUDENCE declares he's an excellent preacher, 
 And by night and by day is fo good as to teach her ; 
 His doftrinc fo found with fuch fpirit he gives, 
 She ne'er can forget it as long as fhe lives. 
 I told you before that he's often fo kind 
 To go out a riding with PRUDENCE behind, 
 So frequently dines here without any preffing, 
 And now to the filh he is giving his bleffing ; 
 
 D And
 
 ( 34 ) 
 
 And as that is the cafe, tho' I've taken a griper, 
 I'll venture to peck at the dory and piper. 
 And now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 BATH, 1766 S B N R D. 
 
 
 LETTER
 
 ( 35 ) 
 
 LETTER. V 
 
 Mr.SiMKiN B NT R D to La<ty B N RD.-, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 SALUTATIONS of BATH, and an adventure of 
 M r . B N R D'S in confequence thereof. 
 
 JL il O city, dear mother, this city excels 
 In charming fweet founds both of fiddles and bells ; 
 I thought, like a fool, that they only would ring 
 For a wedding, or judge, or the birth of a king; 
 
 D 2 But
 
 ( 36 ) 
 
 But I found 'twas for me, that the gooi-natur'd people 
 Rung fo hard that I thought they \vould pull down the 
 
 ileeple ; 
 
 So I took out my purfe, as I hate to be fhabby, 
 And paid all the men when they came from the abbey; 
 Yet fome think it flrange they fbould make fuch a riot 
 In a place where fick folk would be. glad to be quiet ; 
 But I hear 'tis the bus'nefs of this corporation 
 To welcome in all the great men of the nation ; 
 For you know there is nothing diverts or employs 
 The minds of great people like making a noife : 
 So with bells they contrive all as much as they can 
 To tell the arrival of any fuch man. 
 If a broker, or ftatefman, a gamefter, or peer, 
 A nat'raliz'd Jew, or a bifhop comes here, 
 
 Or
 
 ( 37 ) 
 
 Or an eminent trader in cheeft mould retire 
 Juft to think f the bus'nefs the Hate may require, 
 With horns and with trumpets, with fiddles and drums, 
 They'll ftrive to divert him as foon as he comes : 
 Tis amazing they find fuch a number of ways 
 Of employing his thoughts all the time that he ftays ! 
 If by chance the great man at his lodging alone is, 
 ' He may view from his window the colliers' ponies 
 On both the parades, where they tumble and kick, 
 To the great entertainment of thofe that are fick : 
 What a number of turnfpits and builders he'll find 
 For relaxing his cares, and unbending his mind, 
 While notes of fweet mufic contend with the cries 
 Qt fne potted laver,freJJi oyjters, and pies! 
 And mufick's a thing I mail truly revere, 
 Since the city-muficians fo tickled my ear ; 
 
 Da For
 
 For when we arriv'd here at Bath t'other day, 
 
 They came to our lodgings on purpofe to "play ; 
 
 And I thought it was right, as the mufic was come, 
 
 To foot it a little in TABITHA'S room; 
 
 For practice makes perfeft, as often I've read, 
 
 And to heels is of fervice as well as the head : 
 
 But the lodgers were fhock'd fuch a noife we fhould make, 
 
 And the ladies declar'd that we kept them awake ; 
 
 Lord RINGBONE, who lay in the parlour below, 
 
 On account of the gout he had got in his toe, 
 
 Began on a fudden to curfe and to fwear : 
 
 I proteft, my dear mother, 'twas mocking to hear 
 
 The oaths of that reprobate gouty old peer : 
 
 " All the devils in hell fure at once have concurr'd 
 
 P To make fuch a noife here as never was heard ; 
 
 '' Some
 
 ( 39 ) 
 
 '* Some blundering blockhead, while I am in bed, 
 " Treads as hard as a coach-horfe juft over my head; 
 " 1 cannot conceive what a plague he's about: 
 Are the fiddlers come hither to make all this rout 
 " With their d 'd fqueaking catgut, that's worfe than 
 
 " the gout ? 
 
 " If the aldermen bad 'em come hither, I fwear, 
 " I wifli they were broiling in hell with the may'r; 
 " May flames be my portion if ever I give 
 " Thofe rafcals one farthing as long as I live !" 
 So while they were playing their mufical airs, 
 And I was juft dancing the hay round the chairs, 
 He roar'd to his Frenchman to kick them down flairs. . 
 The Frenchman came forth with his outlandifh lingo, 
 Juft the fame as a monkey, and made all the men go ; 
 
 D 4 I could
 
 ( 40 J 
 
 I could not make out what he faid, not a word, 
 And his lordfhip declar'd I was very abfurd. 
 Says I, Matter RINGBON E, Iv'e nothing to fear, 
 ' Tho' you be a Lord, and your man a Mo UN SEER, 
 " For the may'r and the aldermen bad them come here : 
 
 ' As abfur'd as I am, 
 
 ' I don't care a damn 
 
 * For you, nor your valee dcjham : 
 ' For a lord, do you fee, 
 
 ' Is nothing to me, 
 
 ' Any more than a flea ; 
 
 1 And your Frenchman fo eager, 
 
 ' With all his foup meagre, 
 
 * Is no more than a moufe, 
 4 Or a bug, or a loufe, 
 
 And I'll do as I pleafe while I ftay in the houfe : 
 
 'For
 
 ' For the B N R D family all can afford 
 * To part with their money as free as a Lord.' 
 
 So I thank'd the muficians, and gave them a guinea, 
 Tho' the ladies and gentlemen call'd me a ninny ; 
 And I'll give them another the next time they play, 
 For men of good fortune encourage, they fay, 
 All arts and all fciences too in their way ; 
 So the men were fo kind as to halloo and bawl, 
 " God blefs you, Sir, thank you, good fortune befall 
 " Yourfelf, and the B N R D family all." 
 
 Excufe any more, for I very well know 
 Both my fubjecl and verfe is exceedingly low ; 
 
 But
 
 But if any great critic finds fault with my letter, 
 He has nothing to do but to fend you a better. 
 And now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S BN R D, 
 
 LET-
 
 ( 43 ) 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 Mr.SiMKiw B -N R- D to LadyB N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Mr. B N-*-R D gives a defcription of the 
 BATHING, 
 
 JL HIS morning, dear mother, as foon as 'twas light t 
 I was wak'd by a noife that aftonifh'd me quite ; 
 For in TABITH A's chamber I heard fuch a clatter, 
 I could not conceive what the deuce was the matter ; 
 
 And,
 
 ( 44 ) 
 
 And, wou'd you believe it, I went up and found her 
 In a blanket with two lufty fellows around her, 
 Who both feera'd a going to carry her off in 
 A little black box juft the fize of a coffin : 
 ' Pray tell me,' fays I, ' what ye're doing of there?' 
 " Why, mafter, 'tis hard to be bilk'd of our fare, 
 ' And fo we were thrufting her into a chair ; 
 " We dont fee no reafon for ufing us fo, 
 " For (he bad us come hither, and now {he won't go : 
 " We've earn'd all the fare, for we both came and knock'd 
 
 "her 
 
 " Up, as foon as 'twas light, by advice of the doftor; 
 " And this is a job that we often go a'ter 
 " For ladies that choofe to go into the water," 
 'But pray,' fays I, TABITHA, what is your drift 
 ' To be cover 'd in flannel inftead of a fhift? 
 
 'Tis
 
 ( 45 ) 
 
 * Tis all by the doctor's advice, I fuppofe, 
 
 ' That nothing is left to be feen but your nofe : 
 
 I think, if you really intend to go in, 
 
 ' Twould do you more good if you flript to the ficin ; 
 
 ' And if you've a mind for a frolick, i'fa'th, 
 
 ' I'll juft ftep and fee you jump into the bath.' 
 
 So they hoifted her down juft asfafe and as well 
 
 And as fnug as a hodmundod rides in his (hell : 
 
 I fain wou'd have gone to fee TABITH A dip, 
 
 But they ttirn'd at a corner and gave me the flip, 
 
 Yet in fearching about I had better fuccefs, 
 
 For I got to a place where the ladies undrefs : 
 
 Thinks I to myfelf, they are after fome fun, 
 
 And I'll fee what they're doing as fure as a uu : 
 
 So I peep'd at the door, and I faw a great mat 
 
 That cover'd the table, and got under that, 
 
 And
 
 ( 46 ) 
 
 And laid myfelf down there as fnug and as ftill, 
 (As a body may fay) like a thief in a mill : 
 And of all the fine fights I have feen, my dear mother, 
 I never expeft to behold fuch another : 
 Hew the ladies did giggle and fet up their clacks, 
 All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs ! 
 Oh 'twas pretty to fee them all put on their flannels, 
 And then take the water like fo many fpaniels; 
 And tho' all the while it grew hotter and hotter, 
 They fwarn, jufl as if they were hunting an otter. 
 Twas a glorious fight to behold the fair fex 
 All wading with gentlemen up to their necks, 
 And view them fo prettily tumble and fprawl 
 In a great fmoaking kettle as big as our hall : 
 And to-day, many perfons of rank and condition 
 Were boil'd by command of an able phyfician : 
 
 Dean . 

 
 ( 47 ) 
 
 DeanSpAViN,DeanMANGEY,andDo6lorDE'sQUiRT, 
 Were all fent from Cambridge to rub off their dirt ; 
 Judge BANE, and the worthy old Councellor PEST, 
 Joiridifluc. at once, and went in with the reft ; 
 And this they all faid was exceedingly good 
 For ftrength'ning the fpirits and mending the blood. 
 It pleas'd me to fee how they all were inclin'd 
 To lengthen their lives for the good of mankind j 
 For I ne'er wou'd believe that a bifhop or judge 
 Can fancy old SATAN may owe him a grudge ; 
 Tho' fome think the lawyer may choofe to demur ; 
 And the prieft till another occafion defer ; 
 And both to be better prepar'd for herea'ter, 
 Take a fmack of the brimftone contain'd in the water. 
 But, what is furprizing, no mortal e'er view'd 
 Any one of the phyfical gentlemen flew 'd ; 
 
 Since
 
 ( 48 ) 
 
 Since the day thatKingB LAD uo*firft found out thefe bogs, 
 And thought them fo good for himfelf and his hogs, 
 Not one of the faculty ever has try'd 
 Thefe excellent waters to cure his o%vn hide ; 
 Tho' many a (kilful and learned phyfician, 
 With candour, good fenfe, and profound erudition, 
 Obliges .the world with the fruits of his brain, 
 Their nature and hidden effeU to explain. 
 Thus CHIRON advis'd Madam THETIS to take 
 And dip her poor child in the Stygian lake, 
 But the worthy old doftor was not fuch an elf 
 As ever to venture his carcafe himfelf. 
 So JASON'S good wife us'd to fet on a pot, 
 And put in at once all the patients me got, 
 
 * Vide OLD BATH GUIDK. 
 
 But
 
 ( 49 ) 
 
 But thought it fufficient to give her direction, 
 Without being coddled to mend her complexion : 
 And I never have heard that me wrote any treatife 
 To tell what the virtue of water and heat is. 
 You cannot conceive what a number of ladies 
 Were wafli'd in the water the fame as our maid Is : 
 Old Baron VANTEAZER, a man of great wealth, 
 Brought his lady the Baronefs here for her health ; 
 The Baronefs bathes, and me fays that her cafe ' 
 Has been hit to a hair, and is mending apace : 
 And this is a point all the learned agree on, 
 The Baron has met with the fate of ACTEON ; 
 Who, while he peep'd into the bath, had the luck 
 To find lumfelf fuddenly chang'd to a buck. 
 Mifs SCRATCH IT went in, and the Countefs of SCALES, 
 Both ladies of very great fafhion in WALES ; 
 
 E Then
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 Then all on a fudden two perfons of worth, 
 My Lady PANDORA MAC'SCURVY came forth, 
 With General SULPHUR arriv'd from the North. 
 So TABBY, you fee, had the honour of warning 
 With folks of diftinftion, and very high fafhiori ; 
 But in fpite of good company, poor little foul, 
 She fhook both her ears like a moufe in a bowl. 
 
 Ods bobs ! how delighted I was unawares 
 With the fiddles I heard in the room above Hairs ; 
 For mufick is wholefome, the doQors all think, 
 For ladies that bathe, and for ladies that drink; 
 And that's the opinion of ROBIN our driver, 
 Who whittles his nags while they (land at the river: 
 They fay it is right that for every glafs 
 A tune you mould take, that the water may pafs,
 
 So while little TABBY was wafhing her rump s 
 The ladies kept drinking it out of a pump. 
 
 I've a deal more to fay, but am loth to intrude 
 On your time, my dear mother, fo now I'll conclude. 
 
 BATH, 1766. 
 
 2 LET-
 
 5 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 Mr.SiMKiN B N R D,toLadyB N R D, 
 at - Caftle, North. 
 
 A PANEGYRIC on BATH, and a MORAVIAN HYMN. 
 
 F all the gay places the world can afford, 
 By gentle and fimple for paflime ador'd, 
 Fine balls, and fine concerts, fine buildings, and fprings, 
 Fine walks, and fine views, and a thoufand fine things, 
 (Not to mention the fweet fituation and air) 
 What place, my dear mother, with Bath can compare ? 
 Let Briftol for commerce and dirt be renown'd, 
 At Sarjbury pen-knives, and fciflars be ground ; 
 
 The
 
 ( 53 ) 
 
 The towns of Devizes, of Bradford, and Frame, 
 
 May boaft that they better can manage the loom ; 
 
 I believe that they may ; but the world to refine, 
 
 In manners, in drefs, and politenefs to mine, 
 
 O Bath ! let the art, let the glory be thine. 
 
 I'm fure I have travell'd our county all o'er, 
 
 And ne'er was fo civilly treated before; 
 
 Would you think, my dear mother, (without the leaft hint 
 
 That we all mould be glad of appearing in print) 
 
 The news-writers here were fo kind as to give all 
 
 The world an account of our happy arrival ? 
 
 You fcarce can imagine what numbers I've met, 
 
 (Tho* to me they are perfectly ftrangers as yet) 
 
 Who all with addrefs and civility came, 
 
 And feem'd vailly proud of SUBSCRIBING our name. 
 
 E 3 Young
 
 ( 54 ) 
 
 Young TIMOTHY CANVASS is charm'd with the place, 
 Who, I here, is come hither, his fibres to brace ; 
 Poor man! at th' election he threw, t'other day, 
 All his victuals, and liquor, and money away ; 
 And fome people think with fuch hafte he began, 
 That foon he the conftable greatly outran, 
 And is qualify'd now for a parliament man : 
 Goes every day to the coflfee-houfe, where 
 The wits and the great politicians repair ; 
 Harangues on the funds, and the flate of the nation, 
 And plans a good fpeech for an adminiftration, 
 In hopes of a place, which he thinks he deferves, 
 As the love of his country has ruin'd his nerves. 
 Our neighbour, Sir EASTERLIN WIDGEON, has fwore 
 He ne'er will return to his bogs any more : 
 
 The
 
 ( 55 ) 
 
 The ThickfcuW s are fettled ; we've had invitations 
 With a great many more on the fcore of relations : 
 The Lounger -.rare come too. Old STUCCO hasjufl fent 
 His plan for a houfe to be built in the Crejcent ; 
 'Twill foon be complete, and they fay all their work 
 Is as ftrong as St. Paul's, or the minfter at York. 
 Don't you think 'twould be better to leafe our eftate, 
 And buy a good houfe here before 'tis too late ? 
 You never can go, my dear mother, where you 
 So much have to fee, and fo little to do. 
 
 I write this in hafte, for the Captain is come, 
 And fo kind as to go with us all to the room ; 
 But be fure by the very next poft you (hall hear 
 Of all Iv'e the pleafure of meeting with there : 
 
 4 For
 
 ( 56 ) 
 
 For I fcribble my verfe with a great deal of eafe, 
 And can fend you a letter whenever I pleafe ; 
 And while at this place I've the honour to ftay, 
 I think I can never want fomething to fay. 
 But now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S - B N R D. 
 
 POSTSCRIPT, 
 
 I'm forry to find at the city of Bath, 
 Many folks are uneafy concerning their faith : 
 NICODEMUS, the preacher, ftrives all he can do 
 To quiet the confcience of good filler PRUE ; 
 But TABBY from fcruples of mind is releas'd 
 Since (he met with a learned MORAVIAN prieft, 
 
 Who
 
 ( 57 ) 
 
 Who fays, There is neither tran/grejjion nor Jin ; 
 A doftrine that brings many cuflomers in. 
 She thinks this the prettieft ode upon earth, 
 Which he made on his infant that dy'd in the birth. 
 
 O D E.* 
 
 Chicken bleffed 
 And careffed, 
 
 Little bee on JESU'S breaft! 
 
 Prom the hurry 
 
 And the flurry 
 
 Of the earth thou'rt now at reft. 
 
 * The learned MORAVIAN has pirated this Ode from 
 Count ZINZENUORJ'S Book of HYMNS. Vid, H. 33. 
 
 LET.
 
 LETTER VIII, 
 
 Mr.SiMKiN B N R D to Lady B N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Mr.B N R D goes to the ROOMS. His opinion of 
 GAMING. 
 
 A ROM the earlieft ages, dear mother, till now, 
 All ftatefmen and great politicians allow- 
 That nothing advances the good of a nation, 
 Like giving all money a free circulation: 
 This queflion from members of parliament draws 
 Many fpeeches that meet univerfal applaufe ; 
 
 And
 
 ( 59 ) 
 
 And if ever, dear mother, I live to be one, 
 I'll fpeak on this fubjeft as fare as a gun : 
 For Bath will I fpeak, and I'll make an oration 
 Shall obtain me the freedom of this corporation ; 
 I have no kind of doubt but the Speaker will beg 
 All the members to hear when I fet out my leg. 
 " Circulation of cam circulation decay 'd 
 " Is at once the deftru&ion and ruin of trade ; 
 " Circulation I fay circulation it is, 
 " Gives life to commercial countries like this:" 
 What thanks to the city of Bath then are due 
 From all who this patriot maxim pin-fuel 
 For in no place whatever that national good 
 Js pra&is'd fo well, and fo well underftood. 
 What infinite merit and praife does fhe claim in 
 Her ways and her means for promoting of ganging / 
 
 And
 
 ( 60 ) 
 
 And gaming, no doubt, is of infinite ufe 
 
 That fame circulation of cafh to produce. 
 
 What true public-fpirited people are here, 
 
 Who for that very purpofe come every year ! 
 
 All eminent men, who no trade ever knew 
 
 But gaming, the only good trade to purfue : 
 
 All other profeffions are fubjeft to fail, 
 
 "But gaming' & abus'nefs will ever prevail; 
 
 Befides, 'tis the only good way to commence 
 
 An acquaintance with all men of fpirit and fenfe; 
 
 We may grub on without it thro' life, I fuppofe, 
 
 But then 'tis with people that nobody knows. 
 
 We ne'er can expeft to be rich, wife, or great, 
 
 Or look'd upon fit for employments of ftate: 
 
 Tis your men of fine heads, and of nice calculations, 
 
 That afford fo much fervice to adminiftrations, 
 
 Who
 
 ( 61 ) 
 
 Who by frequent experience know how to devife 
 The fpeedieft methods of raifmg fupplies : 
 Tis fuch men as thefe, men of honour and worth, 
 That challenge refpecl from all perfons of birth ; 
 And is it not right they mould all be careft, 
 When they're all fo polite, and fo very well dreft, 
 When they circulate freely the money they've won, 
 And wear a lac'd coat, tho' their fathers wore none ? 
 
 Our trade is encourag'd as much, if not more, 
 By the tender foft fex I (hall ever adore; 
 But their hufbands, thofe brutes, have been known to 
 
 complain, 
 And fwear thev will never fet foot here a^ain. 
 
 Ye
 
 ( 62 ) 
 
 Ye wretches ingrate ! to find fault with your wives, 
 The comfort, the folace, and joy of your lives ; 
 Oh ! that women, whofe price is fo far above rubies, 
 Should fall to the lot of fuch ignorant boobies ! 
 Docfn't SOLOMON fpeak of fuch women with rapture 
 In verfe his eleventh and thirty -firft chapter ? 
 And furely that wife king of IJrad knew 
 What belong'd to a woman much better than you ! 
 He fays, " if you find out a virtuous wife, 
 " She will do a man good all the days of her life ; 
 " She deals like a merchant, (he fitteth up late." 
 And you'll find it is xvritten in verfe twenty-eight, 
 *' Her bufband is fure to be known at the gate. 
 " He never hath need or occafion for fpoil, 
 " When his wife is much better employ 'd all the while; 
 
 She
 
 ( 63 ) 
 
 M She feeketh fine wool, and fine linen flie buys, 
 
 " And is cloathed in purple and fcarlet likewife." 
 
 Now pray don't your wives do the very fame thing, 
 
 And follow th' advice of that worthy old king ? 
 
 Do they fpare for expences themfelves in adorning ? 
 
 Don't they go about buying fine things all the morning ? 
 
 And at cards all the night take the trouble to play, 
 
 To get back the money they fpent in the day ? 
 
 And fure there's no fort of occafion to (hew 
 
 Ye are known at the gate, or wherever ye go. 
 
 Pray are not your ladies at Bath better pla:'d 
 
 Than the wife of a king, who herfelf fo dilgrac'd, 
 
 And at Ithaca liv'd \r\ fuch very bad tajle? 
 
 Poor foul! while her hufband thought proper to leave her, 
 
 She flav'd all the day like a Spitalfidds weaver, 
 
 And
 
 ( 64 ) 
 
 And then, like a fool, when her web was half fpun, 
 Pull'd to pieces at night all the work (he had done : 
 But thefe to their hufbands more profit can yield, 
 And are much like a lilly that grows in the field ; 
 They toil not indeed, nor indeed do they fpin, 
 Yet they never are idle when once they begin, 
 But are very intent on increafing their ftore, 
 And always keep fhuffling and cutting for more : 
 Induftrious creatures ! that make it a rule 
 To fecure half the fifti, while they manage tl^e pool ; 
 So they win to be fure ; but I very much wonder 
 Why they put fo much money the candleftick under ; 
 For up comes a man on a fudden, flapdam, 
 Snuffs the candles, and carries away all the cam : 
 And as nobody troubles their heads any more, 
 I'm in very great hopes that it goes to the poor.* 
 
 Methinks
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 Methinks I fhould like to excel in a trade 
 
 By which fuch a number their fortunes have made. 
 
 I've heard of a wife, philofophic^l Jew, 
 
 That muffles the cards in a manner that's new; 
 
 One JON AS, I think : And could wifh for the future 
 
 To have that illuftrious fage for my tutor ; 
 
 And the Captain, whofe kindnefs I ne'er can forget, 
 
 Will teach me a game that he calls LANSQUENET, 
 
 So I foon fhall acquaint you what money I've won ; 
 
 In the mean time I reft your moft dutiful fon, 
 
 BATH, 1766 S B N RD. 
 
 THE END of the FIRST PART.

 
 THE 
 
 NEW BATH GUIDE, 
 
 PART the SECOND.
 
 PART THE SECOND. 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 Mifs JENNY W D R, to Lady ELIZ. M-D-SS, 
 At Caftle, North. 
 
 A JOURNAL. 
 
 To 
 
 humbler ftrains, ye Nine, defcend, 
 And greet my poor fequefter'd friend. 
 Not odes, with rapid eagle flight, 
 That foar above all human fight, 
 
 3 Not
 
 ( 7 ) 
 
 Not Fancy's fair and fertile field, 
 To all the fame delight can yield. 
 But come, CALLIOPE, and fay 
 How pleafure waftes the various day; 
 Whether thou art wont to rove 
 By Parade, or Orange Grove, 
 Or to breathe a purer air 
 In the Circus or the Square ; 
 Wherefoever be thy path, 
 Tell, O tell the joys of Bath, 
 
 Ev'ry morning, ev'ry night, 
 Gayeft fcenes of frefh delight ; 
 When AURORA fheds her beams, 
 Wak'd from foft Eh/fian dreams, 
 
 Mufic
 
 ( 7' ) 
 
 Mufic calls me to the fpring, 
 Which can health and fpirits bring : 
 ThereHYGEiA, goddefs, pours 
 Bleffings from her various ftores ; 
 Let me to her altars hafte, 
 Tho' I ne'er the waterc tafte, 
 Near the pump to take my ftand, 
 With a nofegay in my hand, 
 And to hear the Captain fay, 
 " How d'ye do, dear Mifs, to-day ?" 
 The Captain ; Now you'll fay, my dear, 
 Methinks I long his name to hear : 
 Why then but don't you tell my aunt ; 
 The Captains name is CORMORANT : 
 But hereafter, you muft know, , 
 I mall call him ROMEO, 
 
 F 4 An4
 
 ( 7* ) 
 
 And your friend, dear lady BET, 
 JENNY no more but JULIET. 
 
 O ye guardian fpirits fair, 
 All who make true love your care, 
 May I ofr my ROMEO meet, 
 Oft enjoy his converfe fweet ; 
 I alone his thoughts employ, 
 Through each various fcene of joy! 
 Lo ! where all the jocund throng 
 From the pump-room haftes along, 
 To the breakfaft all invited 
 By Sir TOBY, lately knighted. 
 See with joy my ROMEO comes! 
 He conduces me to the Rooms;
 
 ( 73 ) 
 
 There he whifpers, not unfeen, 
 Tender tales behind the fcreen ; 
 While his eyes are fix'd on mine, 
 See each nymph with envy pine, 
 And, with looks of forc'd difdain, 
 Smile contempt, but figh in vain! 
 
 O the charming parties made ! 
 Some to walk the fouth Parade, 
 Some to LINCOMB'S fhady groves, 
 Or to SIMPSON'S proud alcoves ; 
 Some for chapel trip away, 
 Then take places for the play ; 
 Or we walk about in pattins, 
 Buying gauzes, cheap'ning fattins : 
 
 Or
 
 ( 74 ) 
 
 Or to PAINTER'S we repair, 
 
 Meet Sir PEREGRINE HATCHET there, 
 
 PJeas'd the artift's fkill to trace 
 
 In his dear Mifs GORGON'S face: 
 
 Happy pair 1 who fix'd as fate 
 
 For the fvveet connubial ftate, 
 
 Smile in canvafs tete-a-tete. 
 
 If the weather, cold and chill, 
 
 Calls us all to Mr. GILL, 
 
 ROMEO hands to me the jelly, 
 
 Or the foup of vermicelli : 
 
 If at TOYSHOP I ftep in, 
 
 He prefents a diamond pin; 
 
 Sweeteft token I can wear, 
 
 Which at once may grace my hair, 
 
 And,
 
 ( 75 ) 
 
 And, in witnefsofmy flame, 
 Teach the glafs to bear his name : 
 See him turn each trinket over, 
 If for me he can difcover 
 Aught his paffion to reveal, 
 Emblematic ring or feal, 
 CUPID whetting pointed darts, 
 For a pair of tender hearts ; 
 HYMEN lighting facred fires, 
 Types of chafte and fond defires. 
 Thus enjoy we ev'ry blefTmg, 
 Till the toilet calls to dreffing ; 
 Where's my garnet, cap, and fprig ? 
 Send for SINGE to drefs my wig: 
 Bring my filver'd mazarine, 
 Sweeteft gown that e'er was feen : 
 
 i TABITHA,
 
 TABITHA, put on my ruff: 
 
 Where's my dear delightful muff ? 
 
 Muff, my faithful ROMEO'S prefent ! 
 
 Tippet too from tail of pheafant ! 
 
 Muff from downy breaft of fwan ' 
 
 O the dear enchanting man ! 
 
 Muff that makes me think how JOVE 
 
 Jlew to LED A from above 
 
 Muff that TABBY, fee who rapt then. 
 
 " Madam, Madam, 'tis the Captain !" 
 
 Sure his voice I hear below, 
 
 Tis, it is my ROMEO! 
 
 Shape and gait, and carelefs air, 
 
 Diamond ring, and folitaire, 
 
 Birth and fafliion all declare. 
 
 How
 
 ( 77 ) 
 
 How his eyes that gently roll, 
 Speak the language of his foul ! 
 See the dimple on his cheek, 
 See bimfmile and fweetly fpeak; 
 " Lovely nymph, at your command, 
 " I have fomething in my hand, 
 " Which I hope you'll not refufe, 
 " 'Twill us both at night amufe : 
 " What tho' Lady WHISKER crave it, 
 " And Mifs BADGER Jongs to have it, 
 " 'Tis, by JUPITER I fwear, 
 " 'Tis for you alone, my dear : 
 " See this ticket, gentle maid, 
 " At your feet an offering laid : 
 11 Thee the loves and graces call 
 " To a little private ball : 
 
 " And
 
 " And to play I bid adieu, 
 
 " Hazard, lanfquenct, and loo, 
 
 *' Faireft nymph, to dance with you." - 
 
 I with joy accept his ticket, 
 
 And upon my bofom flick it : 
 
 Well I know how ROMEO dances, 
 
 With what air he firil advances, 
 
 With what grace his gloves he draws on, 
 
 Claps, and calls up Nancy Dawfon ; 
 
 Me thro' ev'ry dance conducting, 
 
 And the mufic oft inflrufting; 
 
 See him tap, the time to (hew, 
 
 With his light fantaftic toe ; 
 
 Skill'd in ev'ry art to pleafe, 
 
 From the fan to waft the breeze, 
 
 Or
 
 ( 79 ) 
 
 Or his bottle to produce, 
 Fill'd with pungent Eau de. Luce. 
 Wonder not, my friend, I go, 
 To the ball with ROMEO. 
 
 Such delight's if thou canft give, 
 Bath, at thee I choofe to live. 
 
 BATH, 1766. J W D R. 
 
 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 Inclos'd you'll find fome lines, my dear, 
 Made by a hungry poet here, 
 
 A happy
 
 A happy bard, who rhymes and eats, 
 And lives by uttering quaint conceits ; 
 Yet thinks to him alone belong 
 The laurels due to modern fong, 
 
 SONG.
 
 SONG. 
 
 A C H A R G E to the POETS. 
 
 Written at Mr.GiLi/s, an eminentCook at BATH. 
 -KtzyTos i<n\v atprwon xxAo>?. Frag. Vet. Poet. 
 
 E bards who fing the hero's praife, 
 Or lafs's of the mill, [Forte* 
 
 A loftier theme invites your lays, 
 Come tune your lyres to GILL. 
 
 Of all the cooks the world can boaft, 
 
 However great their fluJl, 
 To bakes or fry, to boil, or roafl, 
 
 There's none like Matter GILL. 
 
 G Sweet
 
 ( 82 ) 
 
 Sweet rhyming troop, no longer ftoop 
 
 To drink CASTALIA'S rill, 
 Whene'er ye droop, O tafte the foup 
 
 That's made by Matter GILL. 
 
 O tafte this foup, for which the fair, 
 
 When hungry, cold, and chill, 
 forfake the Circus and the Square 
 
 To eat with Matter GILL. 
 
 'Tis this that makes my CHLOE'S lips" 
 
 Ambrofial fweets diflill ; \Affdtuofo*. 
 
 For leeks and cabbage oft (he fips 
 In foup that's .made by GILL. 
 
 Immortal
 
 Immortal bards, view here your wit, 
 The labours of your quill, 
 
 To fmge the fowl upon the fpit 
 Condemn'd by Matter GILL; 
 
 My humble verfe that fate will meet, 
 
 Nor fhall I take it ill; 
 But grant, ye gods ! that I may eat 
 
 That fowl, when dreft by GILL. 
 
 Thefe are your true poetic fires 
 That dreft this fav'ry grill ; 
 
 E'en while I eat the mufe infpires, 
 And tunes my voice to GILL. 
 
 G 2 When
 
 ( 84 ) 
 
 C-^ - ftrikes the vocal lyre, 
 Sweet LYDIAN meafures thrill; 
 But I the gridir'n more admire, 
 When tun'd by mafter GILL. 
 
 ' Come take my fage of ancient ufe,' 
 
 Cries learned Doftor H LL : 
 " But what's the fage without the goofe ?" 
 
 Replies my Mafter GILL. 
 
 He who would fortify his mind, 
 
 His belly firft mould fill ; [Forte. 
 
 Roaft beef 'gainft terrors beft youll find ; 
 
 " Tfie Greeks knew this" fays GILL. 
 
 Your
 
 Your fpirits and your blood to ftir, 
 
 Old GALEN gives a pill ; 
 But I the forc'd-meat ball prefer, 
 
 Prepar'd by Matter GILL. 
 
 While he fo well can broil and bake, 
 
 I'll promife and fulfil, 
 No other phyfic e'er to take 
 
 Than what's prefcrib'd by GILL. 
 
 Your bard has liv'd at Bath fo long, [fiano* 
 
 He dreads to fee your bill 
 Inftead of cafh accept this fong, [Pianijfimo* 
 
 My worthy Matter GILL* 
 
 03 LET-
 
 LETTER X, 
 
 Mr.SiMKiN B N R DjtoLadyB N R D, 
 at - Hall, North. 
 
 TASTE and SPIRIT. - Mr. B N R D commences 
 a BEAU GAR9ON. 
 
 lively, fo gay, my dear mother, I'm grown, 
 I long to do fomething to make myielf known; 
 For perfons of tafle and iruejpirit, I find, 
 Are fond of attracting the eyes of mankind : 
 What numbers one lees, who, for that very reafon, 
 Come to make fuch a figure at Bath ev'ry feafon ! 
 
 >Tis
 
 this that provokes Mrs. SHENKIN AP-LEEK 
 To dine at the ord'nary twice in a week, 
 Tho' at home (he might eat a good dinner in comfort, 
 Nor pay fuch a curfed extravagant fum for't : 
 But then her acquaintance would never have known 
 Mrs. SHENKIN AP-LEEK had acquir'd the bon ton-, 
 Ne'er Ihewn how in tafte the AP-LEEKS can excel 
 The Dutchefs of TRUFFLES, and Lady MORE LL ; 
 Had ne'er been ador'd by Sir PYE MACARONI, 
 And Count VERMICELLI, his intimate crony ; 
 Both men of fuch tafte, their opinions are taken 
 From an ortolan down to a raflier of bacon. 
 
 What makes KITTY SPICER, and little Mifs SAGO, 
 To auctions and milliners mops ev'ry day go ? 
 
 G 4 What
 
 ( 88 ) 
 
 What makes them to vie with each other, and quarrel 
 Which fpends the mofl. money for fplcndid apparel ? 
 Why, Spirit to (hew they have much better fenfe 
 Than their fathers, who rais'd it by fhillings and pence. 
 What fends PETER TEWKSBURY every night 
 To the play with fuch infinite joy and delight? 
 Why, PETER'S a critic, with true Attic fait, 
 Can damn the performers, can hifs, and find fault, 
 And tell when we ought to exprcfs approbation, 
 By thumping, and clapping, and vociferation ; 
 So he gains our attention, and all muft admire 
 Young TEWKSBURY'S judgment, his /pirit and fire. 
 But JACK DILETTANTE defpifes the play'rs, 
 To concerts and mufical parties repairs, 
 With benefit tickets his pockets he fills, 
 Like a mountebank doctor diflributes his bills ; 
 
 And
 
 And thus his importance and intereft fliews, 
 
 By conferring his favours wherever he goes ; 
 
 He's extremely polite both to me and my coufm, 
 
 For he often defires us to take off a dozen ; 
 
 He has tafle, without doubt, and a delicate ear, 
 
 No vile oratorios ever could bear ; '. 
 
 But talks of the op'ras and his Signiora, 
 
 Cries bravo, benifji.mo, bravo, encora! 
 
 And oft is To kind as to thruft in a note 
 
 While old Lady CUCKOW is draining her throat, 
 
 Or little Mifs WREN, who's an excellent finger; 
 
 Then he points to the notes, with a ring on his finger; 
 
 And {hews her the crotchet, the quaver, and bar, 
 
 All the time that {he warbles and plays the guitar ; 
 
 Yet, I think, though {he's at it from morning 'till noon, 
 
 Her queer little thingumbob's never in tune. 
 
 Thank
 
 ( 9 ) 
 
 Thank Heaven ! of late, my dear mother, my face is 
 Not a little regarded at all public places ; 
 For I ride in a chair, \vith my hands in a muff, 
 And have bought a filk coat, and embroider'd the cuff; 
 But the weather was cold, and the coat it was thin, 
 So the taylor advis'd me to line it with fkin: 
 But what with my Ntvernois' hat can compare, 
 Bag-wig, and lac'd ruffles, and black folitaire ? 
 And what can a man of true fafhion denote, 
 Like an ell of good ribbon ty'd under the throat? 
 My buckles and box are in exquifite tafte, 
 The one is of paper, the other of pafte : 
 And fure no Camaytu was ever yet feen 
 Like that which I purchas'd at WICKSTED'S machine:
 
 ( 9' ) 
 
 My ftockings, of filk, are juft come from the hofier, 
 
 For to-night I'm to dance with the charming MifsToz IE R.J 
 
 So I'd have them to know, when I go to the ball, 
 
 I fliall {hew as much tafte as the heft of them all : 
 
 Fbr a man of great fafhion was heard to declare 
 
 He never beheld fo engaging an air, 
 
 And fwears all the world muft my judgment confefs, 
 
 Myjbtidity, fenfe, under/landing in drefs ; 
 
 My manners fo form'd, and my wig fo well curl'd, 
 
 I look like a man of the veryfirjl world: 
 
 But my perfon and figure you'll heft underftand 
 
 From the pifture I've fent, by an eminent hand : 
 
 Shew it young Lady BETTY, by way of endearance, 
 
 And to give her a fpice of my mcin and appearance. 
 
 Excufe
 
 Excufe any more, I'm in hafle to depart, 
 
 For a dance is the thing that I love at my heart, 
 
 So now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B N R D. 
 
 LET-
 
 ( 93 ) 
 LETTER XL 
 
 Mr.SiMKiN R N R D to LadyB N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 A Defcription of the BALL, with an epifode on 
 BEAU NASH. 
 
 W HAT joy at the ball, what delight have I found, 
 By all the bright circle encompafs'd around ! 
 Each moment with tranfport my bo Com felt warm, 
 For what, my dear mother, like beauty can charm ? 
 The remembrance alone, while their praife I rehearfe, 
 Gives life to my numbers, and flrength to my verfe : 
 
 Then
 
 ( 94 ) 
 
 Then allow for the rapture the Mufes infpire, 
 
 Such (hemes call aloud for poetical fire. 
 
 Iv'e read how the GoddefiTes meet all above, 
 And throng the immortal aflemblies of JOVE, 
 When join'd with the Graces fair VENUS appears, 
 Ambrofial fweet odours perfume all the fpheres ; 
 But the Goddefs of Love, and the Graces and all, 
 Muft. yield to the beauties I've feen at the ball; 
 For JOVE never felt fuch a joy at his heart, 
 Such a heat as thefe charming fweet creatures impart. 
 In fliort there is fomething in very fine women, 
 When they meet altogether that's quite overcoming. 
 
 Then fay, O ye nymphs, that inhabit the fliades 
 Of Pindus' fweet banks, Heliconian maids, 
 
 Celeftial
 
 ( 95 ) 
 
 Celeftial Mufes, ye powers divine, 
 
 O fay, for your memory's better than mine, 
 
 What troops of fair virgins afiembled around 
 
 What fquadrons of heroes for dancing renown'd, 
 
 Were rous'd by the fiddles harmonious found. 
 
 What goddefs {hall firft be the theme of my fong, 
 
 Whofe name the clear AVON may murmur along, 
 
 And echo repeat all the vallies among ! 
 
 Lady TETTATON'S fitter, Mifs FUBBY FATARMIN, 
 
 Was the firft that prefented her perfon fo charming, 
 
 Than whom more engaging, more beautiful none, 
 
 A goddefs herfelf among goddeffes fhone, 
 
 Excepting the lovely MifsTowzER alone. 
 
 'Tis me that has long been the toaft of the town, 
 
 Tho' all the world knows her complexion is brown : 
 
 If
 
 ( 96 ) 
 
 If fome people think that her mouth be too vi 
 Mifs TOWZEB. has numberlefs beauties befide ; 
 A countenance noble, with fweet pouting lips, 
 And a delicate ftiape from her waift. to her hips ; 
 Bcfides a prodigious rough black head of hair 
 All is frizzled and curl'd o'er her neck that is bare : 
 I've feen the fweet creature but once, I confefs, 
 But her air and her manner, and pleafmg addrefs, 
 All made me feel fomething I ne'er can exprefs. 
 
 But lo ! on a fudden what multitudes pour 
 From Cambrian mountains, from Indian more ; 
 Bright maidens, bright widows, and fortunate fwains, 
 \Vho cultivate LIFFY'S fweet borders and plains, 
 
 And
 
 ( 97 ) 
 
 And they who their flocks in fair ALBION feed, 
 
 Rich flocks and rich herds, (fo the gods have decreed) , 
 
 Since they quitted the pleafanter banks of the Tweed. 
 
 Yet here no confufion, no tumult is known, 
 
 Fair order and beauty eftablifh their throne ; 
 
 For order, and beauty, and juft regulation, 
 
 Support all the works of this ample creation. 
 
 For this, in companion to mortals below, 
 
 The gods, their peculiar favour to (hew, 
 
 Sent HERMES to Bath in the fliape of a BEAU : 
 
 That grandfon of ATLAS came down from above 
 
 To blefs all the regions of pleafure and love; 
 
 To lead the fair nymph thro' the various maze, 
 
 Bright beauty to marmal, his glory and praife ; 
 
 To govern, improve, and adorn the gay fcene, 
 
 By the Graces inilru6led,' and Cyprian queen : 
 
 H As
 
 As when in a garden delightful and gay, 
 Where FLORA is wont all her charms to difplay, 
 The fweet hyacinthus with pleafure we view 
 Content with narciflus in delicate hue ; 
 The gard'ner induftrious trims out his border, 
 Puts each odoriferous plant in its order; 
 The myrtle he ranges, the rofe and the lilly, 
 With iris, and crocus, and dafFa-down-dilly ; 
 Sweet peas and fweet oranges all he difpofes 
 At once to regale both your eyes and your nofes : 
 Long reign'd the great NASH, this omnipotent Lord, 
 Refpefted by youth, and by parents ador'd ; 
 For him not enough at a ball to prefide, 
 The unwary and beautiful nymph would'he guide ; 
 Oft tell her a tale, how the credulous maid 
 t By man, by perfidious man, is betray'd ; 
 
 Taught
 
 (' 99 ) 
 
 Taught Charity's hand to relieve the diflreft, 
 
 While tears have his tender compaflion expreft : 
 
 But alas ! he is gone, and the city can tell 
 
 How in years and in glory lamented he fell ; 
 
 Him mourn'd all the Dryads on CLAVE RTON'S mount ; 
 
 Him AVON deplor'd, him the nymph of the Fount, 
 
 The Cryftalline ftreams. 
 
 Then perifh his pifture, his flatue decay, 
 
 A tribute more lafting the mufes fliall pay. 
 
 If true what philofophers all will allure us, 
 
 Who diflent from the Doclrine of great EPICURUS, 
 
 That the fpirit's immortal : as poets allow, 
 
 If life's occupations are follow'd below : . 
 
 In reward of his labours, his virtue and pains, 
 
 He is footing it now in th' Elyfian plains, 
 
 H 2 Indulg'd,
 
 Indulg'd, as a token of PROSERPINE'S favour, 
 To prefide at her balls in a cream-colour'd beaver ; 
 Then peace to his afhes our grief be fuppreft, 
 Since we find fuch a phoenix has fprung from his neft : 
 Kind Heaven has fent us another profeflbr, 
 Who follows the fteps of his great predeceflbr. 
 
 But hark ! now they flrike the melodious firing, 
 The vaulted roof echoes, the manfions all ring; 
 At the found of the hautboy, the bafs and the fiddle, 
 Sir BOREAS BLUBBER fteps forth in the middle, 
 Like a holy-hock, noble, majeftic, and tall, 
 Sir BOREAS BLUBBER firft opens the ball: 
 Sir BOREAS, great in the minuet known, 
 Since the day that for dancing his talents were (hewn, 
 Where the fcience is pra&is'd by gentlemen grown. 
 
 For
 
 For in every fcience, in ev'ry profeflion, 
 
 We make the beft progrefs at years of difcretion. 
 
 How he puts 011 his hat, with a fmile on his face, 
 
 And delivers his hand with an exquifite grace! 
 
 How genteely he Coffers Mifs CARROT before us, 
 
 Mifs CARROT FITZ.OOZER, a niece of LordPoRUs! 
 
 How nimbly he paces, how aftive and light ! 
 
 One never can judge of a man at firfl fight ; 
 
 But as near as I guefs from the fize of his calf 
 
 He may weigh about twenty-three ftone and a half. 
 
 Now why fhould I mention a hundred or more, 
 
 Who went the fame circle as others before, 
 
 To a tune that they play'd us a hundred times o'er ? 
 
 See little BOB JEROM, old CHRYSOSTOM'S fon, 
 
 With a chitterlin (hirt, and a buckle of ftone, 
 
 What a crop head of hair the young parfon has on ! 
 
 H 3 Emerg'd
 
 ( 102 ) 
 
 Emerg'd from his grizzle, th' unfortunate prig 
 
 Seems as if he was hunting all night for his wig; 
 
 Not perfelly pleas'd with the coat on his back, 
 
 Tho' the coat's a good coat, but alas, it is black! 
 
 With envious eyes he is doom'd to behold 
 
 The Captain's red fuit that's embroider'd with gold! 
 
 How feldom mankind is content with their lot ! 
 
 BOB JEROM two very good livings has got: 
 
 Yet ftill he accufes his parents deceas'd, 
 
 For making a man of fuch fpirit a prieft. 
 
 Not fo Mailer MARMOZET, fweet little boy, 
 
 Mrs. DANGLECUB'S hopes, her delight and her joy : 
 
 His pigeon-wing'd head was not drefl quite fo foon; 
 
 For it took up a barber the whole afternoon ; 
 
 His jacket's well lac'd, and the ladies proteft 
 
 Mafter MARMOZET dances as well as the beil: 
 
 Yet
 
 10 3 
 
 Yet fome think the boy would be better at fchool; 
 But I hear Mrs. DANGLECus'snot fuch a fool 
 To fend a poor thing with a fpirit fo meek, 
 To be flogg'd by a tyrant for Latin and Greek; 
 For why fhould a child of diftinftion and famion 
 Lay a heap of fuch filly nonfenfical trafh in ? 
 She wonders that parents to Eton fhould fend 
 Five hundred great boobies their manners to mend, 
 When the m after that left it (tho' no one objects 
 To his care of the Boys in all other refpefts) 
 Was extremely remifs, for a fenfible man, 
 In never contriving fome elegant plan 
 For improving their perfons, and mewing them how 
 To hold up their heads, and to make a good bow, 
 
 H 4 When
 
 104 
 
 When they've got fuch a charming long room for a ball, 
 Where the fcholars might praftife, and mafters and all : 
 But, what is much worfe, what no parent would choofe, 
 He burnt all their ruffles, and cut off their queues : 
 So he quitted the fchool with the utmoft difgrace 
 And juft fuch another's come into his place. 
 She fays that her fon will his fortune advance, 
 By learning fo early to fiddle and dance ; 
 So me brings him to Bath, which I think is quite right, 
 For they do nothing elfe here from morning till night ; 
 And this is a leflbn all parents mould know, 
 
 To train up a child in the way he mould go ; 
 
 v 
 For, as SOLOMON fays, you may fafely uphold, 
 
 He ne'er will depart from the fame when he's ld.
 
 ( "5 ) 
 
 No doubt fhe's a woman of fine underftanding, 
 
 Her air and her prefence there's fomething fo grand in; 
 
 So wife and difcreet; and to give her her due, 
 
 Dear mother, file's juft fuch a woman as you. 
 
 But who is that bombazine lady fo gay, 
 So profufe of her beauties, in fable array ? 
 How die refts on her heel, how me turns out her toe,' 
 How me pulls down her ftays, with her head up, to (hew 
 Her lilly-white bofom that rivals the fnow ! 
 TisthewidowQuiCL ACKiT,whofe hufband laflweek,' 
 Poor STEPHEN, went fuddenly forth in a pique, 
 And pufh'd of his boat for the Stygian creek: 
 Poor STEPHEN ! he never return'd from the bourn, 
 But left the difconfolate widow to mourn ; 
 
 Three
 
 Three times did me faint when fhe heard of the news ; 
 Six days did fhe weep, and all comfort refufe; 
 But STEPHEN, no forrow, no tears can recall : 
 So fhe hallows die feventh, and comes to the ball. 
 
 For mufic, fweet mufic, has charms to controul, 
 And tune up each paflion that ruffles the foul! 
 What things have I read, and what ftories been told 
 Of feats that were done by muficians of old ! 
 I've heard a whole city was built from the ground 
 By magical numbers, and mufical found ; 
 And here it can build a good houfe in the fquare, 
 Or raife up a church where the godly repair. 
 I faw, t'other day, in a thing call' dan ode, 
 As it lay in a fnug little houfe on the road, 
 
 How
 
 How SAUL was reflor'd, tho* his forrow was {harp, 
 When DAVID, the Bdhlemite, play'd on the harp : 
 'Twas mufic that brought a man's wife from Old Nick, 
 And at Bath has the pow'r to'recover the fick : 
 Thus a lady was cur' d ? other day. But 'tis time 
 To feal up my letter, and finiflj my rhyme. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B-^N R D. 
 
 LET.
 
 io8 > 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 Mr.SiMKiNB N R D,toLadyB N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 A MODERN HEAD-DRESS, \vith a little POLITE 
 CONVERSATION 
 
 V V HAT bafe and unjuft accufations we find 
 Arife from the malice and fpleen of mankind ! 
 Onewould hope,mydear mother, that fcandal would fpare 
 The tender, the helplefs, and delicate Fair ; 
 
 "But
 
 ( 10 9 ) 
 
 But alas! the fweet creatures all find it the cafe 
 
 That Bath is a very cenforious place. 
 
 Would you think that a perfon I met fince I came, 
 
 (I hope you'll excufe my concealing his name) 
 
 A fplenetic ill-natur'd fellow, before 
 
 A room- full of very good company, fwore 
 
 That, in fpite of appearance, 'twas very well known, 
 
 Their hair and their faces were none of their own ; 
 
 And thus without wit, or the leaft provocation, 
 
 Began an impertinent formal oration: 
 
 | 
 
 " Shall Nature thus lavifli her beauties in vain 
 
 " For art and nonfenfical fafhion to ftain ? 
 
 " The fair JBZEBELLA what art can adorn, 
 
 '* Whofe cheeks are like rofes that blufh in the morn ? 
 
 " As bright were her locks as in heaven are feen 
 
 " Prefented for ftars by th' Egyptian queen; 
 
 "But
 
 " But alas! the fweet nymph they no'longer mud deck, 
 
 " No more fhall they flow o'er her ivory neck ; 
 
 " Thofe trefles which VENUS might take as a favour, 
 
 " Fall a vi&im at once to an outlandifh (haver ; 
 
 " Her head has he robb'd with as little remorfe 
 
 " As a fox-hunter crops both his dogs and his horfe : 
 
 " A wretch that, fo far from repenting his theft, 
 
 " Makes a boaft of tormenting the little that's left: 
 
 " And firft at her porcupine head he begins 
 
 ' To fumble and poke with his irons and pins, 
 
 " Then fires all his crackers with horrid grimace, 
 
 " And puffs his vile Rocambol breath in her face 
 
 " Discharging a (learn tliat the devil would choak, 
 
 ' From paper, pomatum, from powder, and fmoak. 
 
 " The patient fubmits, and with due refignation 
 
 " Prepares for her fate in the next operation. 
 
 " When
 
 ( m) ) 
 
 " When lo ! on a fudden, a monfter appears, 
 " A horrible monfter, to cover her ears; 
 " What fign of the Zodiac is it he bears? 
 " Is itfaurus's tail or the tete de mouton > 
 " Or the beard j)f the goat that he dares to put on ? 
 " Tis a wig en vergette, that from Paris was brought, 
 " Une tcte comme ilfaut, that the varlet has bought 
 " Of a beggar, whofe head he has (hav'd for a groat; 
 " Now fix'd to her head, does he frizzle and dab it ; 
 " 'Tis a foretop no more. 'Tis the flcin of a rabbit. 
 " 'Tis a muff 'tis a thing, that by all is confefl 
 " Is in colour and (hape like a chaffinch's neft. 
 
 " O ceafe, ye fair virgins, fuch pains to employ,. 
 " The beauties of nature with, paint to deftroy; 
 
 'See
 
 ( 1" ) 
 
 ' See Venus lament, fee the Loves and the Graces, 
 " All pine at the injury done to your faces ! 
 " Ye have eyes, lips,and nofe, but your headsare no more 
 " Than a Dolls' that is plac'd at a milliner's door*" 
 
 I'm aftiam'd to repeat what he faid in the fequel, 
 Afperfions fo cruel as nothing can equal ! 
 I declare I am fhock'd fuch a fellow fhould vex, 
 And fpread all thefe lies of the innocent fex, 
 For whom, while I live, I will make proteftation 
 I've the higheft efteem and profound veneratation ; 
 I never fo ftrange an opinion will harbour, 
 That they buy all the hair they have got of a barber : 
 Nor ever believe that fuch beautiful creatures 
 Can have any delight in abufing their features : 
 
 One
 
 ( "3 ) 
 
 One thing the* I wonder at much, I confefs, is 
 Th' appearance they make in their different drefles, 
 For indeed they look very much like apparitions 
 When they come in the morning to hear the muficians 
 And fome I am apt to mi (lake, at firft fight, 
 For" the mothers of thofe I have feen over night : 
 It Ihocks me to fee them look paler than aflies, 
 And as dead in the eye as the bufto of NASH is, 
 Who the evening before were fo blooming and plump ; 
 I'm griev'd to the heart when I go to the pump : 
 For I take cv'ry morning a fup at the water, 
 Juft to hear what is paffing and fee what they're a'ter; 
 For I'm told the difcourfes of perfons refin'd 
 Are better than books for improving the mind ; 
 But a great deal of judgment's requir'd in the fkimming 
 The polite converfation of fenfible women, 
 
 I For
 
 ( "4 ) 
 
 For they come to the pump, as before I was faying, 
 And talk all at once while the mufic is playing ! 
 Your fervant Mifs FiTCHET." " Good morning Mifs 
 
 " STOTE." 
 
 My dear Lady RICGLEDUM, how is your throat? 
 " Your ladyfhip knows that I fent you a fcrawl, 
 " Laft night to attend at your ladylhip's call, 
 " But I hear that your ladyfhip went to the ball." 
 Oh FiTCHET don't afk me good heavens pre- 
 
 *' ferve 
 
 " I wim there was no fuch a th'ng as a nerve; 
 " Half dead all the night, I proteft and declare ; 
 " My dear little FITCHET, who drcfles your hair ? 
 You'll come to the rooms, all the world will be there.. 
 " Sir ToiiY MAC' NEGUS is going to fettle 
 ' His tea-drinking night with Sir PHILIP O'KETTLE." 
 
 " I hear
 
 ( "5 ) 
 
 " I hear that they both have appointed the fame ; 
 
 " The majority think that Sir PHILIP'S to blame; 
 
 " I hope they won't quarrel, they're both in a flame : 
 
 " Sir TOBY MAC' NEGUS much fpirit has got, 
 
 " And Sir PHILIP O'KETTLE is apt to be hot." 
 
 " Have you read the Bafk Guide, that ridiculous poem? 
 
 " What a fcurrilous author ! does nobody know him ?" 
 
 " Young BILLY PEN WAGGi.E.andSiMiusCHATTER 
 
 " Declare 'tis an ill-natur'd half-witted fatire." 
 
 " You know I'm engag'd, my dear creature, with you, 
 
 " And Mrs. PAMTICKLE, this morning at Loo ; 
 
 " Poor thing ! tho' (he hobbled lad night to the ball, 
 
 " To-day {he's fo lame that (he hardly can crawl ; 
 
 " Major LIGN u M has trod on the firfl. joint of her toe 
 
 " That thing they play'd laft was a charming concerto; 
 
 la "I don't,
 
 ' I don't recolleft I have heard it before ; 
 
 " The minuet's good, but the jig I adore; 
 
 " Pray fpeak to Sir TOBY to cry out encore" 
 
 Dear mother, I think this is excellent fun, 
 
 But if all I muft write, I fhould never have done, 
 
 So myfelf I fubfcribe your moil dutiful fon, 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B N R D. 
 
 LET.
 
 ( "7 ) 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 Mr.SiMKiNB N-^-R D,toLadyB K R D, 
 at- Hall, North. 
 
 A PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 Motives for the fame, A lift of the company. -A tender 
 fcene. An unfortunate incident* 
 
 V V HAT bleflings attend, my dear mother, all thofe 
 Who to crowds of admirers their perfons expofe! 
 Do the gods fuch a noble ambition infpire ; 
 Or gods do we make of each ardent defire ? 
 O generous paflion ! 'tis yours to afford 
 The fplendid aflembly, the plentiful board; 
 
 1 3 T
 
 To thee do I owe fuch a breakfaft this morn, 
 
 As I ne'er faw before, fmce the hour I was born ; 
 
 'Twas you made my Lord RAGAMUFFIN come here, 
 
 Who they fay has been lately created a Peer, 
 
 And to-day with extreme complaifance and refpeft afk'd 
 
 All the people at Bath to a general breakfaft. 
 
 Youv'e heard of my Lady BUN BUTTER, no doubt, 
 How me loves an a/fembly t fand&ngo, or rout; 
 No lady in London is half fo expert 
 At a fnug private party, her friends to divert; 
 But they fay, that of late, flic's grown fick of the town, 
 And often to Bath condefcends to come down : 
 Her ladyfhjp's favourite houfe is the Bear: 
 Her chariot, and fervants, and horfes are there :
 
 ( "9 ) 
 
 My Lady declares that retiring is good ; 
 As all with a feparate maintenance fhould : 
 For when you have put out the conjugal fire, 
 Tis time for all fenfible folk to retire; 
 If HYMEN no longer his fingers will fcorch, 
 Little CUPID for others can whip in his torch, 
 So pert is he grown, fince the cuflom began 
 To be married and parted as quick as you can. 
 
 Now my Lord had the honour of coming down poft, 
 To pay his refpe&s to fo famous a toafl ; 
 In hopes he her Ladyfhip's favour might win, 
 By playing the part of a hoft at an inn. 
 I'm fure he's a perfon of great refolution, 
 Tho' delicate nerves, and a weak conftitution ; 
 
 1 4 For
 
 For he carried us all to a place crofs the river, 
 
 And vow'd that the rooms were too hot for his Liver : 
 
 He faid it would greatly our pleafure promote, 
 
 If we all for Spring-Gardens fet out in a boat: 
 
 I never as yet could his reafon explain, 
 
 Why we all fallied forth in the wind and the rain ; 
 
 For fure, fuch confufion was never yet known ; 
 
 Here a cap and a hat, there a cardinal blown : 
 
 While his Lorfhip, embroider'd, and powder'd all o'er, 
 
 Was bowing, and handing the ladies a fhore : 
 
 How the mifles did huddle and fcuddle, and run : 
 
 One would think to be wet muft be very good fun; 
 
 For by waggling their tails, they all feem'd to take pains 
 
 To moiften their pinions like ducks when it rains; 
 
 And 'twas pretty to fee how, like birds of a feather, 
 
 The people of quality flock'd all together ; 
 
 A\V
 
 All prefling, addrefling, carefling, and fond, 
 Juft the fame as thofe animals are in a pond : 
 You've read all their names in the news, I fuppofe, 
 But, for fear you have not, take the lift as it goes : 
 There was Lady GREASEWRISTER, 
 And Madam VAN-TWISTER, 
 Her Ladyftiip's fifter. 
 Lord CRAM, and Lord VULTER, 
 Sir BRANDISH O'CULTER, 
 With Marfhal CAROUZER, 
 And Old Lady MOUZER, 
 
 And the great Hanoverian Baron PANSMOWZER: 
 Befides many others who all in the rain went, 
 On purpofe to honour this great entertainment : - 
 
 The
 
 The company made a moft brilliant apperance, 
 And ate Bread and Butter with great perfeverance ; 
 All the chocolate too, that my Lord fet before 'em, 
 The ladies difpalch'd with the utmoft decorum. 
 Soft mufical numbers were heard all around, 
 The horns and the clarions ecchoing found : 
 
 Sweet were the flrains, as od'rous gales that blow 
 O'er fragrant banks, where pinks and rofes grow. 
 The Peer was quite ravilh'd, while clofe to his fide 
 Sat Lady BUNBUTTER, in beautiful pride! 
 Oft turning his eyes, he with rapture furyey'd 
 All the powerful charms (he fo nobly difplay'd. 
 As when at the feaft of the great ALEXANDER, 
 TIMOTHEUS, the mufical fon of THERSANDER, 
 Breath'd heavenly meafures; 
 
 The
 
 The prince was in pain, 
 
 And could not contain, 
 While THAIS was fitting befide him ; 
 
 But, before all his peers, 
 
 Was for fliaking the fpehres, 
 Such goods the kind gods did provide him. 
 
 Grew bolder and bolder, 
 
 And cock'd up his fhoulder, 
 Like thefon of great JUPITER AMMON, 
 
 Till at length quite oppreft, 
 He funk on her breaft, 
 And lay there as dead as a falmon. 
 
 O had I a voice that was ftronger than fteel, 
 With twice fifty tongues to exprefs what I fee], 
 
 And
 
 ( "4 ) 
 
 And as many good mouths, yet I never could utter 
 All the fpeeches ray Lord made to Lady BUNBUTTER! 
 So polite all the time, that he ne'er touch'd a- bit, 
 While (he ate up his rolls and applauded his wit: 
 For they tell me that men of true, tajle. when they treat, 
 Should talk a great deal, but they never mould eat : 
 And if that be the fafhion, I never will give 
 Any grand entertainment as long as I live : 
 For I'm of opinion 'tis proper to chear 
 The ftomach and bowels, as well as the ear. 
 Nor me did the charming concerto of ABEL 
 Regale like the breakfaft I faw on the table : 
 I freely will own I the muffins preferr'd 
 To all the genteel convention I heard, 
 
 E'en
 
 ( "5 ) 
 
 E'en tho' I'd the honour of fitting between 
 
 My Lady STUFF-DAMASK, and PEGGY MOREEN, 
 
 Who both flew to Bath in the nightly machine. 
 
 Cries PEGGY, " This place is enchantingly pretty; 
 
 " We never can fee fuch a thing in the city : 
 
 " You may fpend all your life-time in Catcaton-Jlrett, 
 
 And never fo civil a gentleman meet; 
 
 " You may talk what you pleafe; you may fearch London 
 
 " through ; 
 
 " You may go to Carlifle's, and to Almanac's too; 
 " And I'll give you my head if you *ind fuch a hoft, 
 44 For coffee, tea, chocolate, butter, and toaft : 
 " How he welcomes at once all the world and his wife, 
 " And how civil to folk he ne'er faw in his life !"- 
 " Thefe horns, cries my Lady, fo tickle one's ear, 
 " Lard ! what would I give that Sir SIMON was here! 
 
 "To
 
 " To the next public breakfaft Sir SIMON (hall go, 
 " For I find here are folks one may venture to know : 
 " Sir SIMON would gladly his Lordfhip attend, 
 And my Lord would be pleas'd with fochearful a friend." 
 
 So when we had wafted more bread at a Breakfaft 
 Than the poor of our parifh have ate for this week paft, 
 I faw, all at once, a prodigious great throng 
 Come buftling, and ruflling, and joflling along: 
 For his Lordlhip was pleas'd that the company now 
 To my Lady BUNB UTTER mould curt'fey and bow : 
 And my Lady was pleas'd too, and feem'd vaftly proud 
 At once to receive all the thanks of a croud : 
 And when, like Chaldeans, we all had ador'd 
 This beautiful image fet up by my Lord, 
 
 Some
 
 ( "7 ) 
 
 Some few infignificant folk went away, ' 
 
 Juft to follow th' employments and calls of the day; 
 
 But thofe who knew better their time how to fpend, 
 
 The fiddling and dancing all chofe to attend. 
 
 Mifs CLUNCH and Sir TOBY perform 'd a Cotillion, 
 
 Juft the fame as our SUSAN and BOB the poltilion; 
 
 All the while her mamma was exprefling her joy, 
 
 That her daughter the morning fo well could employ, 
 
 Now why Qiould the mufe, my dear mother, relate 
 The misfortunes that fall to the lot of the great! 
 As homeward we came 'tis with forrow you'll hear 
 What a dreadful difafter attended the peer: 
 For whether fome envious god had decreed 
 That a Naiad mould long to ennoble the breed ; 
 
 Or
 
 Or whether his Lordfhip was charm'd to behold 
 His face in the ftream, like NARCISSUS of old; 
 In handing old Lady BUMFIDGIT and Daughter, 
 This obfequious Lord tumbled into the water; 
 But a nymph of the flood brought him fafe to the boat 
 And I left all the ladies a'cleaning his coat. 
 
 Thus the feaft was concluded, as far as I hear, 
 To the great fatisfa&ion of all that were there. 
 O may he give breakfafls as long as he flays, 
 For I ne'er ate a better in all my born days. 
 In hafle I conclude, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B N R 
 
 LE: 
 
 302 NEW BATH GUIDE, or Memoirs of the B N u D Fa- 
 
 inily, a series of Poetical Epistles, written by a family during their 
 
 residence at Bath, illustrated with curious pretty steel cnyravinys by 
 
 Taylor and others, 12mo, calf, 1797, scarce 10s
 
 C "9 ) 
 
 LETTER XIV, 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B - N R -D to Lady ELI z. 
 M D ss, at Cattle, North. 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B N R D informs Lady BETTY that 
 flie has been elefted to METHODISM by a VISION. 
 
 JTlEARKEN, Lady BETTY, hearken, 
 
 To the difmal news I tell ; 
 How your friends are all embarking 
 
 For the fiery gulph of hell. 
 
 K Brother
 
 Brother SIMKIN*S grown a rakehell, 
 Cards and dances ev'ry day, 
 
 JENNY laughs at tabernacle, 
 TABBY RUNT is gone altray. 
 
 Blefled I, tho' once rejefted^ 
 Like a little wand'ring flieep, 
 
 Who this morning was elefted 
 By a vifion in my fleep : 
 
 For I dream' d an apparition 
 
 Came, like ROGER, from above; 
 
 Saying, By divine commiflion 
 I mull fill you full of love.
 
 Juft with ROGER'S head of hair on, 
 ROGER'S mouth, and pious fmile; 
 
 Sweet, methinks, as beard of AARON* 
 Dropping down with holy oil. 
 
 I began to tall a kicking, 
 Panted, ftruggled, ftrove in vain; 
 
 When the fpirit whipt fo quick in, 
 I was cur'd of all my pain. 
 
 Firft I thought it was the night-mare 
 
 Lay fo heavy on my breaft ; 
 But I found new joy and light there, 
 
 When with heavenly love pofleft. 
 
 K 2 Come
 
 Come again, then, apparition, 
 Finifli what thou haft begun ; 
 
 ROGER, flay, thou foul's phyfician, 
 I with thee my race will run. 
 
 Faith her chariot has appointed, 
 Now we're ftretching for the goal ; 
 
 All the wheels with grace anointed, 
 Up to heav'nto drive my foul. 
 
 The editor, for many reafons, begs to be excufed giv* 
 ing the public the fequel of this young lady's letter ; but 
 if the reader will pleafe to look into the Eifhop of Exe- 
 ter's book, intitled, " The Enthufiafm of Methodifts and 
 * Papift's compared," he will find many inftances, (parti- 
 cularly of young people j who have been elected in the 
 manner above. 
 
 LET-
 
 LETTER XV. 
 
 Mr. SIM KIN B N--R -D to LadyB N R -D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Serious REFLECTIONS of Mr. B N R D. His 
 BILL of EXPENCES. The DISTRESSES of the 
 FAMILY. A FAREWELL to BATH. 
 
 A 
 
 XJLLAS, my dear mother, our evil and good 
 By few is diftinguifli'd, by few underftood ! 
 How oft are we doom'd to repent at the end, 
 The events our pleafanteft profpefts attend! 
 As SOLON declarM, in thelaft fcene alone, 
 All the joys of our life, all our forrows are known. 
 
 K 3 When
 
 ( 134 ) 
 
 When firft I came hither for vapours and wind, 
 To cure all diftempers, and ftudy mankind, 
 How little I dream'd of the tempeft behind! 
 I never once thought what a furious blaft, 
 What ftorms of diftrefs would o'erwhelra me at laft, 
 How wretched am I ! what a fine declamation 
 Might be made on the fubjeft of my fituation ! 
 I'm a fable! an inftance ! and ferve to difpenfe 
 An example to al! men of fpirit and fenfe, 
 To all men of fafhion, and all men of wealth, 
 Who come to this place to recover their health : 
 For my means are fo fmall, and my bills are fo large, 
 I ne'er can come home till you fend a difcharge. 
 Let the Mufe fpeak the caufe, if a Mufe yet remain 
 To fupply me with rhymes, and exprefs all my pain* 
 
 Psid
 
 ( '35 ) 
 
 Paid bells, and Muficians, 
 Drugs, nurfe, and phyficians, 
 
 Balls, raffles, fubfcriptions, and chairs ; 
 Wigs, gowns, fkins, and trimming, 
 Good books for the women, 
 
 Plays, concerts, tea, negus, and prayers. 
 
 Paid the following fchemes, 
 
 Of all who it feems 
 Make charity-bus'nefs their care: 
 
 A gamefter decay'd, 
 
 And a prudifli old maid 
 By gaiety brought to defpair:
 
 A fidler of note, 
 
 Who, for lace on his coat, 
 To his taylor was much in arrears : 
 
 An author of merit, 
 
 Who wrote with fuch fpirit 
 The pillory took of his ears, 
 
 A fum, my dear mother, far heavier yet, 
 Captain CORMORANT won when I learn'd lanfquenet ; 
 Two hun.dred I paid him, and five are in debt. 
 For the five I had nothing to do but to write, 
 For the Captain was very well bred and polite, 
 And took, as he faw my expences were great, 
 My bond, to be paid on the Ciodpole eftate ; 
 
 And
 
 ( '37 ) 
 
 And afks nothing more while the money is lent, 
 Than intereft paid him at twenty per cent 
 But I'm (hock'd to relate what diftrefies befall 
 Mifs JENNY, my fifter, and TABBY and all: 
 Mifs JENNY, poor thing, from this Bath expedition, 
 Was in hopes very foon to have chang'd her condition ; 
 But rumour has brought certain things to her ear, 
 Which I ne'er will believe, yet am forry to hear; 
 
 * That the Captain, her lover, her dear RoMEO f 
 
 * Was banifh'd the army a great while ago : 
 
 ' That his friends and his foes he alike can betray, 
 
 ' And picks up a fcandalous living by play.' 
 
 But if e'er I could think that the Captain had chealed, 
 
 Or my dear coufm JENNY unworthily treated, 
 
 By all that is facred I fwear, for his pains 
 
 J'd cudgel him firft, and then blow out his brains. 
 
 For
 
 ( '38 ) 
 
 For the man I abhor like the devil, dear mother, 
 Who one thing conceals, and profeffes another. 
 
 O how (hall we know the right way to purfue ! - 
 
 Do the ills of mankind from religion accrue! 
 
 Religion, defign'd to relieve all our care, 
 
 Has brought my poor fitter to grief and defpair: 
 
 Now me talks of damnation, and fcrews up her face; 
 
 Then prates about ROGER, and fpiritual grace: 
 
 Her fenfes, alas ! feem at once gone aftray 
 
 No pen can defcribe it, no letter convey. 
 
 But the man without Jin, that Moravian Rabbi, 
 Has perfectly cur'd the Chlorofis of TABBY; 
 And, if right I can judge, from her fhape and her face, 
 She foon may produce him an infant of grace. 
 
 Now
 
 Now they fay that all people, in our fituation, 
 Are very fine fubje&s for regeneration ; 
 But I think, my dear mother, the beft we can do, 
 Is to pack up our all, and return back to you. 
 
 Farewell then, ye firearm, 
 
 Ye poetical themes ! 
 Sweet fountains for curing the fpleen ! 
 
 I'm griev'd to the heart 
 
 Without cam to depart, 
 And quit this adorable fcene ! 
 
 Where gaming and grace 
 
 Each other embrace, 
 Diflipation and piety meet : 
 
 Ma/
 
 ( '40 ) 
 
 May all, who've a notion 
 Of cards or devotion, 
 Make Bath their delightful retreat ! 
 
 BATH, 1766*. S-*- B N R D. 
 
 EPILOUGE
 
 EPILOGUE 
 
 TO THE 
 SECOND EDITION; 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 CRITICISMS, and the GUIDE'S CONVERSATION with 
 three LADIES of Piety, Learning, and Difcretion, 
 
 A Letter to Mifs JENNY W D a at Bath, from Lady 
 ELIZ. M D ss, her friend in the country; a young 
 Lady of neither Fafhion, Tafte, nor Spirit* 
 
 The CONVERSATION continued. Their LADYSHIPS Re- 
 ceipt for a NOVEL. The GHOST of Mr, QUIN.
 
 ( 143 ) 
 
 EPILOGUE; 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 CRITICISMS and the GUIDE'S CONVERSATION with three 
 LADIES of Piety, Learning, and Difcrction. 
 
 L HERE 
 
 are who complain that my verfc is fevere, 
 And what is much worfe that my Book is too dear: 
 The Ladies protefl that I keep no decorum 
 In fetting fuch patterns of folly before 'em : 
 Some cannot conceive what the GUIDE is about, 
 With names fo unmeaning to make fuch a rout. 
 
 Lady
 
 ( '44 ) 
 
 Lady DOROTHY SCRAWL would engage to befpeak 
 
 A hundred fuch things to be made in a week : 
 
 Madam SHUFFLEDUMDOO, more provoking than that. 
 
 Has fold your poor GUIDE for two fifh and a mat; 
 
 A fweet medium paper, a book of fine fize, 
 
 And a print that I hop'd would have fuited her eyes. 
 
 And another good lady, of delicate tafte, 
 
 Cries, " Fie ! Mr. Bookfeller, bring me fome pafte ; 
 
 " I'll clofe up this leaf, or my daughter will fkim 
 
 " The cream of that vile methodiflical hymn." 
 
 Then ftuck me down fad fo unfit was my page 
 
 To meet the chafte eyes of this virtuous age. 
 
 G u i D E .1 fpare me good Madam, it goes to my heart 
 With my fweet methodiJlical letter to part. 
 
 Away
 
 ( *45 ) 
 
 Away with your pafte! 'tis exceedingly hard 
 
 Thus to torture and cramp an unfortunate bard : 
 
 How my mufe will be mock'd, when fhe's juft taking 
 
 flight, 
 To find that her pinions are faften'd fo tight ! 
 
 Fir/1 LADY.] Why you know, beyond reafon and ~j 
 
 decency too, 
 
 Beyond all refpe6l to religion that's due, 
 Your dirty fatirical work you purfue. 
 I very well know whom you meant to affront 
 In the pictures of PRUDENCE, and TABITHA RUNT. 
 
 GUIDE.] Indeed, my good ladies, religion and virtue 
 Arc things that I never defign'd any hurt to. 
 
 All
 
 All poets and painters, as HORACE agrees, 
 May copy from nature what figures they pleafe; 
 Nor blame the poor poet, or painter, if you 
 In verfe or on canvas your likenefs mould view. 
 I hope you don't think I would write a lampoon; 
 I'd be hang'd at the foot of Parnaffus as foon. 
 
 Second LADY,] Prithee don't talk to me of your 
 
 HORACE and FLAGCUS, 
 
 When you come like an impudent wretch to attack us. 
 What's Parnaffus to you ? Take away but your rhime, 
 Arid the drains of the bellman are full as fublime. 
 
 Third LADY.] Doft think that fuch fluff as thou writ'ft 
 
 upon TABBY, 
 Will procure thee a buflo in WeJlminfter-Abbey ? 
 
 GUIDE]
 
 ( '47 ) 
 
 GUIDE.] Tis true, on Parna/us I never did dream, 
 Nor e'er did I tafte of fweet Helicon's ftream : 
 My (hare of the fountain I'll freely refign 
 To thofe who are better belov'd by the Nine : 
 Give bufto's to poets of higher renown, 
 I ne'er was ambitious in marble to frown : 
 Give laurels to thofe, from the God of the lyre 
 Who catch the bright fpark of ethereal fire; 
 Who, fldll'd every paflion at will to impart, 
 Can play round the head while they fteal to the heart ; 
 Who, taught by APOLLO to guide the bold fleed, 
 Know when to give force, when to temper his fpeed : 
 My nerves all forfake me,' my voice he difdains, 
 When he rattles his pinions, no more hears the reins, 
 
 L2 But
 
 But thro* the bright ether fublimely he goes, 
 
 Nor earth, air, or ocean, or mountains oppofe. 
 
 For me, 'tis enough that my toil I purfue, 
 
 Like the bee drinking fweets that exhale from the dew, 
 
 Content if MELPOMENE joins to my lay 
 
 One tender foft ftrain of melodious GRAY ; 
 
 Thrice happy in your approbation alone, 
 
 If the following ode for my hymn can attone. 
 
 A LET-
 
 A LETTER 
 
 To Mifs JENNY W D R, at B A T K 
 
 FROM 
 
 Lady ELIZ. M D ss, her Friend in the 
 Country ; 
 
 A Young Lady of neither Fa(hion, Tafte, nor Spirit. 
 
 V>/FT I've invok'd th' Aonian quire, 
 
 And PHOEBUS oft in vain, 
 Like thee, my friend, to tune ray lyre, 
 
 Like thee to raife ray ftrain : 
 
 T . o And
 
 And when, of late, I fought their aid 
 
 The flow'ry bank befide, 
 Methought, along the filent glade 
 
 I heard a voice, that cry'd 
 
 " Miftaken Maid! why idly wafte 
 " Your hours in fruitlefs toil ? 
 
 14 You ne'er the hallow'd brook can tafle, 
 " Or tread poetic foil. 
 
 " For fince your friend purfues the path 
 ** Where wit and pleafure reigns, 
 
 " With her has fled each Mufe to Bath, 
 " From thefe neglefted plains. 
 
 " There
 
 " There many a bard's infpir'd with fong, 
 
 " With epigram, and ode ; 
 " And one, the meaneft of the throng, 
 
 " Takes fatire's thorny road. 
 
 " For him Bath's injur'd genius now 
 " The hemlock juice prepares, 
 
 44 And deadly night-fhade o'er his brow 
 " For laurel wreath's he wears. 
 
 " Him, like the Thracian bard mail curfe 
 " Each nymph, each angry dame ; 
 
 " Tho' far inferior be his verfe, 
 " His haplefs fate the fame. 
 
 Torn
 
 " Torn be the wretch, whofe impious ftrains 
 
 " Profan'd their beauty's pridr, 
 <: No mufe to gather his remains 
 
 " That flow down Avon's tide ; 
 
 " But him {hall many a drone purfue 
 " That hums around the ftream ; 
 
 44 Him frantic priefts, an infeft crew 
 " That cloud LIGHT'S heav'nly beam. 
 
 " Then, left his deftiny you fhare, 
 " Rafh nymph, thy ftrains give o'er! 
 
 " Be warn'd by me, of rhyme beware !" 
 The voice wai heard no more. 
 
 /ct
 
 ( '53 ) 
 
 Yet tho' I ceafe my artlefs lay, 
 Nor longer court the Nine, 
 
 This faithful tribute will I pay 
 At friendfhip's facred flirine. 
 
 Here will I ofler incenfe fweet, 
 Here light the hallow'd fires: 
 
 And oh ! with kind acceptance meet 
 What true regard infpires. 
 
 Nor let my friendly verfe offend 
 *That poor deluded maid, 
 
 Whofejfoz^ I ne'er can comprehend, 
 Or grace in dreams convey'd. 
 
 *Mifs PRUDENCE B -ND RH D. 
 
 May
 
 ( 54 } 
 
 May no fuch grace my thoughts employ, 
 
 Nor I with envy view 
 Thofe fcenes of diffipated joy, 
 
 So well defcrib'd by you. 
 
 Think not a parent's harfli decrees 
 From me thofe fcenes withhold ; 
 
 His foft requeft can ne'er difpleafe, 
 Who ne'er my joys control'd. 
 
 But pining years oppreft with grief 
 
 My tender care demand; 
 The bed of ficknefs aflcs relief 
 
 From my fupporting hand. 
 
 Well
 
 ( '55 ) 
 
 Well do I know how forrow preys, 
 
 E'er fince the hour that gave 
 The partner of his happier days 
 
 To feek the filent grave. 
 
 In that fad hour my lips {he preft, 
 
 Bedew'd with many a tear ; 
 And " Take," fhe cry'd, " this laft bequefl, 
 
 " A dying mother's pray'r. 
 
 " O let the maxims I convey 
 
 ' Sink deep into thy breaft, 
 44 When I no more direft thy way, 
 
 " Retir'djo endlefs reft. 
 
 "Look
 
 " Look on thy aged father's woe ! 
 
 ' 'Tis thine to foothe his pain : 
 " With GRACE like this, Religion (hew, 
 
 " And thus her caufe maintain. 
 
 " Nor is't enough that GRACE difplays, 
 
 " Or FAITH her light divine; 
 
 " In all thy works, in all thy ways, 
 
 ' " Let heav'nly VIRTUE (hine: 
 
 " O ! may the Fountain of all truth 
 " Each PERFECT GIFT impart, 
 
 " With INNOCENCE proteft thy youth, 
 " With HOPE fupport thy heart. 
 
 S
 
 ( '57 ) 
 
 " So may'ft thou learn thyfelf to know, 
 
 " Of all extremes beware, 
 ** Nor find in age thy cup o'erflow 
 
 " With (hamc, remorfe, and care : 
 
 " Then (hall no madmen LIGHT reveal, 
 
 " No vifionary prieft, 
 " With falfliood, ignorance, and zeal, 
 
 ' Torment thy peaceful breaft ; 
 
 " Then (hall no fears thy foul diftrefs, 
 " RELIGION'S doubts (hall ceafe ; 
 
 * Her ways are ways of pleafantnefs, 
 ' And all her paths are peace." 
 
 Such
 
 ( '58 ) 
 
 Such were the truths e're loft in death 
 
 Her parting voice convey'd ; 
 Such may I keep 'till lateft breath, 
 
 Thou dear lamented {hade! 
 
 What tho' no Mufe will deign, my friend, 
 
 My homely joys to tell ; 
 Tho' FASHION ne'er will condefcend 
 
 To feek this humble cell; 
 
 Yet freedom, peace, and mind ferene, 
 
 Which modifh life difdains, 
 (Perpetual fweets !) enrich the fcene 
 
 Where confcious virtue reigns : 
 
 Bleft
 
 ( '59 ) 
 
 Bieft fcenes ! fuch unrepented joys, 
 Such true delights ye give, 
 
 Remote from fafliion, vice, and noife, 
 Contented let me live. 
 
 Euz. MODELESS. 
 
 The
 
 C &> ) 
 
 The CONVERSATION continued. The LADIES 
 
 Receipt for a NOVEL. The GHOST of Mr. 
 
 QUIN. 
 
 GuiDE.]lN|OW I hope that this letter from young 
 
 Lady BETTY, 
 
 Will be reckon'd exceedingly decent and pretty : 
 That, you, my good ladies, who ne'er could endure 
 A hymn fo ineffably vile, and impure, 
 My indelicate mufe will no longer bewail, 
 Since a fweet little moral is pinn'd to her tail : 
 If not, as fo kindly I'm tutor 'd by you, 
 Pray tell a poor poet what's proper to do. 
 
 Firjl
 
 Firft LADY.J Why if thou muft write, thou had'ft 
 
 better compofe 
 
 Some novels, or elegant letters in profe. 
 Take a fubjeft that's grave, with a moral that's good, 
 Throw in all the temptations that virtue withftood 
 In epiftles like PAMELA'S chafte and devout. 
 A book that my family's never without.- 
 
 Second LADY."] O ! pray let your hero be handfome 
 
 and young, 
 
 Tafte, wit, and fine fentiment, flow from his tongue, 
 His delicate feelings be fure to improve 
 With paflion, with tender foft rapture and love. 
 
 M Third
 
 1 
 
 7/k></L,ADY.] Add fome incidents too, which I like 
 
 above meafure, 
 Such as \hokwhick I've, heard ate efteem'd asa treafure 
 In a book that's intitled TA* Woman of Plfafure. 
 Mix well, and you'll find 'twill a novel produce 
 Fit for mode ft young ladies fo keep it for ufe. 
 
 GUIDE.} Damnation (afide) Well, ladies, I'll do 
 
 what I can, 
 
 And ye'll bind it, I hope, with your Duty of Man. 
 Guide, mutters^] Take afubjeft that's grave, with a moral'} 
 
 that's good! 
 
 Thus mufing, I wander'd in fplenetic mood 
 Where the languid old CAM rolls his willowy flood, j 
 
 Wher
 
 When lo ! beneath the poplar's glimm'ring made, 
 Along the ftream where trembling oziers play'd, 
 What time the bat low-flitting {kirns the ground, 
 When beetles buz, when gnats are felt around, 
 And hoarfer frogs their am'roas defcant found. 
 Sweet fcenes ! that heav'nly contemplation give, 
 And oft in mufical defcription live ! 
 When now t-he moon's refulgent rays begin 
 O'er twilight groves to fpread their mantle thin, 
 Sudden arofe the awful form of QUIN : 
 A form that bigger than the life appear'd, 
 And head like Patagonian hero reai'd. 
 Aghaft I flood! whenlo! with mild command 
 And looks of courtefy, he wav'd his hand, 
 Me to th' embow'ring grove's dark path convey'd, 
 And thus began the venerable Shade : 
 
 M 2 " Forth
 
 " Forth from ELYSIUM'S bleft abodes I come, 
 
 ' Regions of joy, where Fate has fix'd my doom : 
 
 ** Look on my face I well remember thine : 
 
 ** Thou knew'ft. me too, when erft in life's decline 
 
 " At Bath I dwelt there late repos'd mine age, 
 
 And unrepining left this mortal ftage : 
 
 " Yet do thofe fcenes, once confcious of delight, 
 
 " Rejoice my focialghoft! there oft' by night 
 
 " I hold my way: 
 
 " And from the mullet, and the fav'ry jole, 
 
 " Catch fragrant fumes, that ftill regale my foal ! 
 
 " Sweet Bath, which thou thefe dreary banks along 
 
 ** Oft mak'ft the fubjeft of thy wayward fong." 
 
 GUIDE.] O fpare me, bleft fpirit 
 
 GHOST.
 
 GHOST.] Quit thy vain fears; I come not to accufe 
 The motley labours of thy mirthful Mufe, 
 For well I ween, if rightly underftood, 
 Thy themes are pleafant, and thy moral good. 
 Oft have I read the laughter-moving phrafe, 
 And fplayfoot meafuresofthy SIMKIN'S lays, 
 Nor aught indecent or obfcene I find, 
 That virtue wounds, or taints the virgin's mind: 
 Beware of that O ! why mould I defcribe 
 What ills await the caiitoSJcribbling tribe ? 
 Firft fee the mob who novels lewd difpenfe, 
 The bane of virtue, modefty and fenfe : 
 Next that infernal crew, detra&ors bafe, 
 Who pen lampoons ; true fatire's foul difgrace: 
 
 M 3 
 
 Nor
 
 ( '66 ) 
 
 Nor lefs the punifhment in realms below 
 For thofe who praifc unmerited bellow, 
 Thofe pimps in fcience, who, with dulnefs bold, 
 The facred Mufes proflitute for gold : 
 Thofe too whom zeal to pious wrath inclines, 
 Pedantic, proud, polemical divines : 
 Bad critics lafl, whom RnADAMANTH'fevere 
 Chaflifes firft, then condefcends to hear: 
 All, all in fiery PHLEGETHON muft flay, 
 Till gall, and ink, and dirt, of fcribbling day, 
 In purifying flames are purg'd away. 
 
 GUIDE.] O truft me, bleft fpirit, I ne'er would offend 
 One innocent virgin, one virtuous friend : 
 
 From
 
 ( >6 7 ) 
 
 From nature alone are my characters drawn, 
 From little BOB JEROM to bifliops in lawn r 
 Sir BOREAS BLUBBER, and fuch ftupid faces, 
 Are at London, at Bath, and at all public places; 
 And if to Newmarket I chance to repair, 
 'Tis oddshut I fee CAPTAIN CORMORANT there: 
 But he who his cam on phyficians beftows, 
 Meets a tight little doElor wherever he goes. 
 
 GHOST.] Tis true, fuch infeas as thy tale has fliewn 
 Breathe not the atraofphere of Bath alone, 
 Tho' there, in gaiety's meridian ray, 
 Vain fools, like flies, their gaudy wings difplay ; 
 Awhile they flutter, but, their funfliine paft, 
 Their fate, like SIMKIN, they lament at laft. 
 
 M 4
 
 Worfe ills fucceed; oft Superftition's gloom 
 Sheds baneful influence o'er their youthfull bloom- 
 Such heav'n avert from fair BRITANNIA'S plains, 
 To realms where bigotry and flavery reigns ! 
 No more of that. But fay, thou tim'rous bard, 
 Claim not the WIN ES of Bath thy juft regard ? 
 Where oft, I ween, the brewer's cauldron flows 
 With elder's mawkifh juice, and puck'iing floes, 
 Cyder and hot geneva they combine, 
 Then call the fatal compofition WIXE, 
 By CERBERUS! fwear, not thofe vile crews, 
 Who vend their poisonous med'cines by the news, 
 For means of death, air, earth, and feas explore, 
 Have fent fuch numbers to the Stygian fliore : 
 
 Shnu
 
 Shun thou fuch bafe potations; oft I've thought 
 My fpan was mort'ned by the noxious draught, 
 But foft, my friend! is this the foil, the clime, 
 That teaches GRANTA'S tuneful fons to rhime ? 
 On me unfavoury vapours feem to fix, 
 Worfe than COCYTUS or the pools of STYX; 
 Infpir'd by fogs of this flow-winding CAM, 
 O fay, does prefume thy ftrains to damn ? 
 Heed not that mifcreant's tongue; purfue thy ways 
 Regardlefs of his cenfure, or his praife. 
 
 GUIDE.] But if any oldlady,knight,prieft,orphyfician, 
 Should condemn me for printing a fecond edition, 
 If good madam SQUINTUM my work mould abufe, 
 May I venture to give her a fmack of my Mufe ? 
 
 GHOST.]
 
 ( 170 ) 
 
 GHOST.] By all manner of means : if thou find'fl"] 
 
 that the cafe, 
 
 Tho' Ihecant, whine,and pray, never mind her grimace, j 
 Take the mafk from her d-mn'd hypocritical face. J 
 
 GUIDE.] Come on then, ye Mufes, I'll laugh down 
 
 my day, . 
 
 In fpite of them all will I carol my lay ; 
 But perifh my voice, and untun'd be my lyre, 
 If my verfe one indelicate thought {hall infpire : 
 Ye angels ! who watch o'er the (lumbering fair, 
 Protefl: their fvveet dreams, make their virtue your care ! 
 Bear witnefs yon moon, the chafle emprefs of night! 
 Yon flars that diffufe the pure heavenly light! 
 
 How
 
 How oft have I mourn'd that fuch blame mould accrue 
 From one wicked letter of pious Mifs PRUE ! 
 May this lazy ftream, who to GRANT A beftows 
 Philofophical (lumbers and learned repofe, 
 To GRANTA,fweet GRANTA, (where fludious of eafc 
 Seven years did I fleep, and then loft my ^degrees) 
 May this drowzy current (as oft he is wont) 
 O'erflow all my hay, may my dogs never hunt, 
 May thofe ills to torment me, thofe curfes confpire, 
 Which fo oft plague and crulh an unfortunate 'Squire, 
 Some may'r to cajole me, fome lawyer to chowfe, 
 For ajeven months feat in the parliament-houfe, 
 There to finim my nap, for the good of the nation, 
 'Wake-frank and be thank'd-by the whole corporation: 
 
 *Vide Univerfity Regifter, Pro&ors Books, &c. 
 
 Then
 
 Then a poor tenant come, when my cafli is all fpent, 
 With a bag-full of tax-bills to pay me his rent , 
 And O ! may fome daemon, thofe plagues to complete,- 
 Give me tq/le to improve an old family feat 
 By lawning an hundred good acres of wheat ! 
 Such ills be my pbrtino, and others much worfe, 
 If flander or calumny poifon my verfe, 
 If ever my well-behav'd Mufe (hall appear 
 Indecently droll, impolitely fevere. 
 
 Good ladies, uncenfur'd Bath's pleafures purfue, 
 May the fprings of old BLADUD your graces renew ! 
 I never mail mingle with gall the pure ftream, 
 But make your examples and virtue my theme : 
 
 Nor
 
 ( '73 ) 
 
 Nor fear, ye fweet virgins, that aught I fliali fpeak 
 To call the chafte blufii o'er your innocent cheek. 
 O ! frown not, if haply your poet once more 
 Should feek the delightful Avonian (hore, 
 Where oft he the winter's dull feafon beguiles, 
 Drinks health, life, and joy, from your heavenly fmiles. 
 
 To the GHOST. 
 
 For thee, who, to vifit thefe regions of fpleen, 
 Deign'ft. to quit the fweet vales of perpetual green, 
 For fake, happy Shade, this Baotian air, 
 Fly hence, to Eiyjium^ pure ether repair, 
 RoWE,DRYDEN,andOTWAY thySHAKESPEARE 
 
 is there : 
 
 There
 
 >74 
 
 There THOMSON, poor THOMSON, ingenuous bard, 
 
 Shall equal thy friendfhip, thy kindnefs reward, 
 
 Thy praife in mellifluous numbers prolong, 
 
 Who cherifh'd his mufe and gave life to his fong. . 
 
 And O may thy genius, bleft fpirit, impart 
 
 To me the fame virtues that glow'd in thy heart, 
 
 To me, with thy talents convivial, give 
 
 The art to enjoy the fliort time I mail live ; 
 
 Give manly, give rational mirth to my foul, 
 
 O'er the focial fweet joys of the full-flowing bowl! 
 
 So ne'er may vile fcribblers thy memory ftain, 
 
 Thy forcible wit may no blockheads profane, 
 
 Thy faults be forgotten, thy virtues remain. 
 
 Farewell!
 
 ( '75 ) 
 
 Farewell ! may the turf where thy cold reliques reft, 
 Bear herbs, odoriferous herbs o'er thy breaft, 
 There heads thyme, and /age, andpot-marjora?nwAve 9 
 And fat be the gander that feeds on thy grave! 
 
 FINIS.
 
 *
 
 .jJtHMIVBM/A. 
 
 ^ 
 
 I! 
 
 
 \ = 
 
 S S 
 
 
 I 1 
 
 
 
 
 II 
 
 
 I i 
 
 c 
 
 i 
 
 ^/mn\n.j^
 
 
 ii 
 
 S 
 
 A 000026843 3 
 
 _ J i^ s 
 i 
 
 % 
 
 i 
 
 \ 
 
 o E 
 
 = 3 
 
 ii