THE MINOR DRAMA
Z\)t ^ctfng lSti(tfon.
No. CLVIII.
THE
VILLAGE LAWYER.
Ilf TWO A0T3.
TO WHICH ARE ADDED
A description of the CoBtume— Cast of tlie Cliftracters— Entrannoa and £xit«'
Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage, and the whole of tha
Stage Business.
AS PEKFOKMED AT THB
PRINCIPAL ENGLISH AND AMERICAN THEATRES,
NEW YORK:
SAMUEL FRENCH,
122 Nassau Street, (Up Stairs.)
A f^
MIM 3HT
CAST OF THE CHARACTERS.— [The Village Lawyer.]
Haymarktt, Philadelphia. Laura Keene'Sf
London, 1826. N. Y., 1858.
Scout Mr. J. Reeve. Mr. Jeflferson. Mr. JefiFerson,
Snarl Mr. Williams. Mr. Francis. Mr. Burnett
Charles Mr. Cooke. Mr. Baker. Mr. Duncombe.
Mittimus Mr. Lee. Mr. Hathwell. Mr. Burke.
Countryman . . . Mr. Parker.
\st Constable. . . Mr. Murray.
2d Constable Mr. Martin.
Sluepface Mr. Wilkinson. Mr. Blisset. Mr. Peters.
Kate Miss Wood. Mrs. Bloxten. Miss Mary Wells.
Mrs. Scout Mrs. Kendall. Mrs. Francia. Miss Bishop.
MBHARY
^ WNIVEKSITY til' CAIIFORNl,!
r*^ I SA.\TA UAKHAHA
THE VILLAGE LAWYEE.
ACT I.
SCENE I. — A Rural Prospect with house painted on r h., with jn-iKticaUe
door.
Enter Scout and Mrs. Scout, /rww house.
Sco2it. Nay, nay, good wife, not so loud, or I vanish. Five and
twenty years have I exposed my organs of hearing (ay, and though 1
Pay it without whining too,) to the encounter of the toughest lungs
in Westminster Hall, with no worse effect as yet, than a modreate
deafness of the left ear, and a whizzing from time to time in the
right. l)ut that dear lovely indefatigable tongue of thine so far out-
dins the bar itself, that though a lawyer
Mr.". S. A lawyer! why in that trim, you look more like a client
than a lawyer ; and no one to see you in such a dress, would imagine
yon had ever carried ou a suit in any one'ijname but your own. Out
upon you ! you are a disgrace to the profession, and had you a grain
of spirit
Scout Spirit ! oh, there at least you wrong me, and I defy any
practitioner of twice my standing to j)r()duce more instances of spirit
than I have ; who e.xposes himself to the displeasure of the judges,
or the censure of the courts. Show me the man that sets the pedantic
regulations of common practice more at defiance than I have done ;
haven't, I been obliged to quit the London courts only for displaying
loo much spirit on a certain occasion?
.I/as-. S. Very fine truly ! and do you boast of your blunders, and
make a merit of your disgrace 1
Scout. This accident to be sure, forces me to try my talents in the
obscurity of rural practice ; and yet. since our removal to this vil-
lage, though next door to Justice Mittimus, the best accustomed
magistrate in the whole country, no favoral)le opportunity has offer-
ed ; not a hare has been snared, or a head broke, or (what a stranger
Btill) a single bastard born, though we have been here a whole fort-
4 THE VILLAGE LAWA'ER.
night, nay, the very cattle keep out of pound, to spite m" But
come, have a little patience, times will mend.
J/rs. ^. And in the meantime, your wife is to .starve, and your
daughter to lose the opportunity of settling herself in the world,
by a match with one or other of the young men who court her, and
whom the poverty of your appearance frighten away.
Scout. Why. to gay the truth, there is nothing in my dress that can
bring either lovers to my daughter, or clients to myself. Mankind
is governed by show, and the surest way to obtain the countenance
of the world is never to appear to want it. Could I hut once put on
the appearance of business, the reality perhaps would soon follow, let
me see —couldn't I — yes. I have it, I'll go and purchase me a hand-
some suit of clothes immediately.
Mrs. S. A handsome suit of clothea! what, without a farthing in
your pocket?
Seoul. Why not? in London all your handsome suits are purchased
the same way. What color shall I choose? bat'.s-wing — or
Mm. S. Oh. no matter for the color, if you can find any one kind
enough to trust you with the clothes.
Scuut. Ttien to lose no time, I'll step over the way to the rich dra-
per's, my neighbor Snarl's.
Mrs. S. To neighbor Snarl's! have a care what you do there. You
know his son Charles is in love with our Harriet, and would have
married her before now, but for fear of his father ; I would not for
the world you should do anything to overthrow my daughter's
hope.
Scout. Never fear. Step in and fetch my hat and gown. [Exit'M'RS.
S., into hou.^e.] I have just time to slip it on ; it will give me a more
creditable appearance before old Snarl, and these rags of mine into
the bargain.
Enter Mrs. Scout, with gmcn and hat.
Ay, this will do. How many sleek, spruce, demure-looking gowns
are there in the world, as well as this ; good for nothing else, but
covering things net fit to be seen. \_Exeunt, L. H.
SCENE n. — SnarVs shop, door in c. desJc, day book, pe?i and ink. */ooi-
chairs, cloth on counter.
Enter Snarl a)id Charles, t. h., rou^h door.
Snarl. Well, son, I ordered you to inquire me out a shepherd in-
stead of that dog Sheepface ; didn't 1 1
Char. Why, surely, father, you have no fault to find with Sheep-
face.
Snarl. No ; only that he is a thief! an arrant thief!
Chiir. I ul'.vays found Sheepface a very faithful servant.
Snarl. To you he may. but not to me ; he has been but a month in
my service, and there are fourteen of my wethers mis.sing ; now it is
impossible so great a pumber in so short a time could die of the rot
as he says.
Char. You don't consider what a havoc a disorder sometimes
makes.
THE VILLAGE tAWTER. 6
Snarl. With the help of a doctor, I grant yon, but my sheep had no
doctor, poor things ! yet they could not have made more haste if they
had been prescribed for by the whole faculty. As for that dog,
Sheepface, I have suspected him for some time ; but last night I
caught him in the act. and this morning I mean to bring him l)efore
Justice Mittimus ; but first of all, I must know exactly what's my
loss. Reach me the account of the flojk. [.%.? down.'\ And if neigh-
bor Gripe, the constable, inquires for me, send him this way.
Enter Sheepface, t. h., rough door.
Char. [Aside to Sueepface.] Sheepface, all's out, I find, father's
confoundedly angry, try what you can do to soften it, but beware of
speaking. Exit, l. h.
Snarl. Let me see : ''Bought of farmer Clod."
Sheep. Save your good worship, sweet master Snarl.
Snarl. How, villian.have you the impudence to appear in my sight,
after the tricks you have played me 1
Sheep. Only to tell your wor?-hip, that neighbor Gripe has been
talking to me about sheep-stealing, and Justice Mittimus, and your
worship, and a power of things, and so I said I wouldn't make a .«ecret
of it to my good master's worship any longer.
Snarl. Your affected innocence sha'n't save you, you rascal; didn't I
catch you last night killing one of the fattest of my wethers.
Sheep. Only to keep it from dying.
S/i"rl. Kill it to keep it from dying !
Slieep. Of the rot, and please your worship, it's a secret I learn
from the doctor in our town. He cured most of his patients the same
way.
Smirl. The doctor, rascal ! the doctor has a license to kill from the
college. Such sheep as mine, too, there was not in all England, such
another breed for Spanish wool.
Sheep. Be satisfied your worship with the blows you gave me,
and let's make up matters, if it's your worship's sweet will and plea-
sure.
SiKol. My will and pleasure is to hang you, rascal, to bang you.
Sheep. Consider, your worship, I was married but yesterday ; leave
me to myself, a week or two, and who knows but I may save you the
trouble.
Snarl. No, rascal, the gallows is the quickest remedy of the two,
and every bit as sure as t'other.
Sheep. Heaven give you good luck of it then, if it must be so,
sweet master Snarl. I must go look for a lawyer, I see, or might will
overcome right. Oh, dear, that an honest man should be treated so,
only for killing a fVwsheep to save 'em from dying. [Exit, ii. ii.
Snarl. [Sitling down.] A dog! but he shall pay lor this. Let me
see — two, and two are lour
Enter ScouT, through door.
Scoiit. The coast is clear at last, now or never.
Snarl. And seven — no, nine
Scout. [A:iide ] Yonder's a piece of cloth now would suit me to a
hair. Give me leave, sir, to
6 THE VILLAGE LAWYER.
Snarl. Who's there ? Gripe, I suppose. Wait a moment, honefil
Gripti.
Sc(M. I am lawyer Scout, your neighbor— I am come to
Snarl. I am lawyer Seoul my ueighbor's very humble servant :
but h" and I have no busiuess together, that I know of, '-carried
ovi r'"
Scout. You'll havf? another story to tell to-morrow, or I'm much
mistaken. [Askk.] 1 liud. sir. upon looking; over my late father's pa-
pers, an aceouut of a debt left uapiiid. and I am come
Snail. U's no business of mine ; 1 owe no man a farthing.
Scout. I wish I ciiuld say as much for niy.self ; but [ find that wy
father was indebted lo i/ours in asinsll balance of lifty pounds, and
as a man of honor, 1 am Come here to pay it to you.
Snarl. [Risiny.'] My dear sir. ten ihousand pardons for my forget-
fulaess. 1 recollect you [lertectly now. Ves, you lived in the next
villagi and you and I were sworn comrades formerly. Piay, sir. I)e
seated. [Hands a chair.
Scout. Dear, sir, if those who are indebted to me, had a little of my
punctuality, I shoubl be a richer man than I am ; but to have my
name in any one's l>ook is a tiling; I can't bear.
Snarl. And yet tlie geneiality of people bear it very patiently.
Scout. I am upon thorns in a manner, while I owe one a farthing,
and for that reason I am come to know when you'll be at leisure to
receive the money.
Snarl. No time like the present.
Scout. True, I have it at home, ready told ; but as I have the
manugement of my father's effects, only as a guardian for my daugh-
ter Harriet, it'.-^ proper that the other guardians should be by at the
payment.
Snurl. Very true, sir, then what do you think of to-morrow at three
o'clock.
Seoul. With all my heart, but I have interrupted you, perhaps. IKises.]
Why, sir, you do more business than all the shopkeepers in this part
ol the country put together.
Snarl. I can't complain.
Scout. No, you have such a way with you, that tho.-!e who buy once,
can't lor the blood of them, help coming to you again. A pretty bit
of cloth, this
Siuirl. Very pretty.
Seoul. One meets in your shop such a generosity of treatment,
a politeness of behavior, that it makes it pieasauter \o pay money to
you than to receive it elsewhere. The wool seems tolerable fine.
Snarl. Right Spanish wool, every hair of it, sir.
Scout. So I thought; uow we talk of Spanish wool, if I am not
mi.-tiken. Mr. Snail, you and 1 went to school together formerly.
Snarl. What, to old Iroutist '.'
Scout The satiie ; you were a very handsome youth, I remember.
Snarl. So my moiber always ^aid.
Scout. Egad, lor old acquaintance sake, you and I must eat a bit of
dinner loi^eiher to d.iy. 1 have a fine goose at home, that a client
sent me from Norfolk.
XriE VILLAGE LAWYER. /
Snarl. Goose ! that's my favorite dish.
Sfout. And my wifn .sh-.iU dress it by a ftimity receipt. It'.s a trea-
6'arc, that recipe's a perli ct treasure. Her uncle, the late Alderman
Dumpling, passed through the whole circle of corporatiou huiiorp,
and died mayor by virtue of that receipt.
Snarl. Ay. ay !
Seoul Then Mrs. Scout will bo happy to see you ; now I think on"t,
I promi'sed h:'r that you should have ray custom for the future, and
to make a l)cginning I don't care if I have the pattern of a suit of
clothes from you now.
Snarl. Very happy to accommodate you, sir ; what color would you
choose.
Scuitt. Color? Why here's a pretty one enough, to my mind,
sir.
Snarl. Very pretty indeed, sir ; it's an iron-gray. Shall I cut off
the quantity you want, to have it ready 1
Seoul. To have it ready ! uo, .Mr. Snarl, pay as you go, that's my
rule ; pay as you go.
Siuirt. Ecod, an excellent rule it is.
Seoul. Do you remember, Mr. Snarl, the evening we were together
at the goo^e and gridiron ?
Snarl. What, the evening I so roasted our curate?
Scout. The same ; you were very severe on him. You had a world
of it. Pray, what must I pay you a yard for this cloth 1
Snarl. Why. sir, another should pay me nineleeaand sixpence ; but
come, you shall have it at nineteen shillings — now I think of it, here's
your quantity ready cut.
Scout. Rtady cut, that's lucky, indeed.
[Snatches up the cloth.
Snarl. Stop a moment, till I measure it before you.
Seoul. Oh, fie, do you think I have any doubt of you 1
Smrrl. But the price
Seoul. I*ooh, I never haggle with a friend ; I leave all that to you.
(xood-day.
Snarl, [..et my shopman carry it over, and brink back —
Scaut. No, no, don't take him from business. It is but a step, you
know, and I'll carry it twice as far to oblige you. Compliments to
Mrs. Snarl ; good-bye to you, good-bye.
[Exit, Ss\Rh follouft through door.
SCENE III.— Scout's house.
Enter Kate n7id Shkf.pfact:. h. ii.
Kate. Lookye, if you want a lawyer to bring you out of a scrape,
my master's the man for your money.
Sheep. I know it, he stood my friend once when brother and I were
put to trouble ; would you l)elievo it, only for m-'uding thi' complex-
ion of a bald face horse ; but I have s^uch a tiea(;h"rons memory, I
don't know how it came about, but somehow or other I forgot to pay
him.
Kate. He'll uot think of that, perhaps ; at any rate take care not to
8 THE VILLAGE LAWTER.
tell him who the plaintiff is ; for I know he would not on any ac-
count be concerned a,i,^ainst Mr. Snarl.
Sheep. I'll onlj tell him of my master, without mentioning any
name ; and he'll think I mean the farmer I !ive4 with, when I cour-
ted you tir.st.
Kate. Do so, here he comes. [Exil, u. H.
Enter Scout.
Scmd. Sure I should know that face, I think — yes, the same.
Harkye, did'ut I save you and your brother from being hanged some
time since at York.
Sheep. Yes, your worship, yes.
Scout. By tlie same token one of you forgot to pay me.
Sheep. Yes, that was brother.
Scout. The other was sick at the trial, and died some time after in
prison.
Sheep. That was not I.
Scout. So I see.
Sheep. For all that I was sicker nor brother ! and so as I was say-
ing, I am come to beg of your worship to speak for me before the
justice against his wor.-^hip, my master.
Scout. VVliat, the great farmer in the neighborhood'?
Sheep. He lives in the neighborhood sure enough, and your worship
shall be paid to your heart's content.
Scout. Let me hear your case, and be sure you tell it without dis-
guise.
Sheep. You must know then, and please your worship, my master
give me but little wages, very small wages, indeed : and so, to make
amends for that, without doing him any damage, I thought as how
I'd best do a little business on my own account with a worthy
neighbor, a butcher by trade.
Scout. And what kind of business do you carry on?
Sheep. Under favor. I hinder .sheep from dying of the rot.
Scout. There's no harm in that : how do yon contrive —
Sheep. Please your worship, I cut their throats before they have
time to catch it.
Scout. A very effectual remedy truly ; and your master perhaps, is
unreasonable enough to say you do so only to sell the carcasses, and
keep the money to yourself.
Sheep. Yes, your worship, and I can't l)eat it out of his head, be-
cause last night he saw me — I mean — [ — must I tell th; truth 1
Scout. Yes. tell the truth here, or how shall we be able to lie to any
purpose elsewhere.
Sheep. The truth of the matter then is. that last night after I was
married, having a little leisure time upon my hands, I took a walk as
far as our pt'ns. and there, as T was musing on, I don't know what,
I takes my knife, and so happening by mere accident to put it, crav-
iug your worship's pardon, under the throat of a fat wether. I don't
know how it came al)ont. but it was not long before the wether died
all of a sudden as a body may say.
Scout. And there was somebody looking on the whole time, eh ?
THE VILLAGE LAWYER. \i
Sheep. Yes, master, from bt'liind the hedge, and fo he will have it
that fourteea wethers, which I ^aved Iroin catchiiiiz t'n- rol. died all
along: of me And so, as your WDrship may see. he laid such a sho\v'.
er of blows upon me as put the hride out ol temper the whole iup:ht ;
but I hope j'our worship will stand my friend, and not let me lo^e
the (ruits ol my iionest industry all at ouce.
Scoid. 1 utid'-rstiind you ; there are two ways of proceeding in this
affair ; the first wou'r put you to a farthia of expease.
Sheep. Lets try that by all means.
Sc'/ut. With all my heart ; you have scraped up something hand-
some in the course of your practice on your ma.ster's sheep.
Sheep. Heaven knows 1 Lave been up late and early for it.
Seoul. Vour savings are all iu hard cash, I suppose.
Sheep. Yes. your wor>hip.
Scout. You mu-t hide the wliole sum immediately in the safest
place you can think of.
Sheep. That I will, wiiliout fail.
Scoiit. Your master will be obliged to pay all costs and charges.
Sheep. So he ought ; he can atiord it.
Scout.' And without a penny out of your pocket.
Sheep. Just as I would have it.
Scout. He'll l)e put to the trouble of having you hanged.
Si.eep. Zounds, let's try the Other way lirst.
Scout. Wt'll, then, you are to be brought before Justice Mitti-
TiUR.
Sheep. So I am told.
Scout. T;ike no notice of this.
Sheep. Never tear me.
Scout. To every qviestion asked you, either by court, the plaintiff,
lawyer, or myself, make no reply but in the language of your own
r.iuri wheu they call their lamb.s ; you can speak that language, can"i
}nu.
SIic'p. It's my mother tongue
Scout. The blows you have r(!ceived on your head, have suggesteJ
a schc!me, which, a.'-sisted by Mittimus's credulity may perhaps save
;;'ou ; but I e.xpect to be well paid.
Stieep. That you shall, as I am an honest man ; good-day your wor-
ship Lord, Lord ! what troubles we poor folks have to keep our
own in this world. Your servant, your worship : I shall reuiembir.
Baa. baa baa. [Kxit. L. u
Scout. So, if the contrivance I have thouglit of to elude my neigh-
bor's demand, does not succeed ; the money I get from this new cli-
ent may stop his mouth, perhaps. [Exit, r. u.
END OK ACT I.
10 THE VILLAGE LAWTBR.
ACT II.
SCENE I. — A Rural Prospect, same as Act I. Scene I.
EnUr Snarl, l. u*
Snarl. This is a very busy day with me. I am to receive different
suras of money from my worthy neiglibor, Lawyer Scout, and to eat
a goose with him, dressed after a receipt of the late worshipful Alder-
man Dumpling. Well, I always said the aldermen were a useful body
of men. But suppose I call in to see how matters stand, by way of
asking how he does ; here's a savory smell. Egad ! they have put down
the goose already. I'll go and have a sop in the pan.
[Exit, into house.
SCENE II. — A Room in Scmd's House. Scout^s goivn and wig lying mi
table; chairs. Sfc.
Enter Scout and Mrs. Scout, k. n.
Scout. Quick, quick ! old Snarl is coming up— I hear him on the
Btairs. Now miud your cue, wife.
Mn. S. Never fear me ; I'll be a good nurse, I warrant me.
Enter SiVARL, l. h.
Scout. [In a chair, as sick.] Wi-f-e, here's the apo-thecary.
Smirl. The apothecary !
Scout. He brings me the cooling mixture.
Snarl. The cooling mixture.
Mrs. S. Oh, dear sir! I hope you have brought something to give
my poor husband a little ease. He has been in the condition you see
this fortnight past.
Snarl. This fortnight, woman ! why
Mrs. S. Yes, this day fortnight, of all the good days in the year, he
was taken with a lunacy fit, and has not been out of the room since.
Snarl. Zounds! not out of the room! AVhy he came to my house
this morning ; by the same token he bought four yards of my iron-
gray cloth of me, and I come for the money. Good morrow, Mr.
Scout.
Scout. Good morrow, geod Mr. Drench.
Snarl. Mr. Drench !
Mrs. S. He takes you for the apothecary, sir. Pray leave the room,
for heaven's sake, if you can give him no relief.
Snarl. But patience. You remember, Mr. Scout, this morning
Scout. Yes ; this morning, I bid my wife lay by for you
Snarl. Ay, I knew he would remember it.
Scout. I bid her lay by for you, carefully, a large glass-full of my —
Snarl. A glass-full! I am come for my money. Zounds! is that
the coin I am to be paid in ?
3Irs. S. Dear sir. retire.
SnarL When I am paid, and not before.
THE VILLAGE LAWYER. 11
Scoat. I bewech you let me have no more of thoee odious pills ; they
had like to have made me give up the ghost.
Snarl. I wish they had made you give up my cloth.
Scoid. IRisifig.} Wife, see, see ! three large buzzing butterflies, with
amber heads, and crystal wings! There they go ! there! Tally oh !
hoics,»hoics ! tally oh!* ho! ho!
StmH. I see none of them.
Mrs. S. But you ser> he raves.
Scotit. [Falling hack in chair.] Save me, good folks, from the doctor,
and a fig for the disease!
Snurl. Oh, he talks good sense how. Now I'll speak to him. Neigh- .
bor Scout,
Scout IJumping up.] My client! my lord ! Sir Hugh Witheriugtoo!
Snarl. Sir Hugh Witherington !
Scout. Charges the defendant. Sir Hugh Montgomery
Smtrl. Gomery ! Why, it is possible I could have mistaken another
for him.
Mrs. S. Nay. now you have tormented the poor man sufficiently ;
let liini have a little rrst.
Sn/irl. Stay ; he looks as if he would speak to me.
Seoul. Ob, dear Mr. Snarl !
Snarl. He knows me ! I said so.
Scout. I beg ten tliousand pardons
Snarl. No apologies — well
Scout That since my arrival in this village, I haven't been to see
you.
Snarl. Not been to see me ! Why. this very day, you know
Scout. Yes ; to-day, to make my excuses, I sent an attorney of my
acquaintance.
Snarl. An attorney! Eh! shall I never see my cloth again ? But
it's all a sham; you yourself was the very person. By the same
token your father owed mine fifty pounds. Ay, ay, you may shake
your h'-ad, but I sha'u't quit the place without either my cloih or my
money.
Scuul. This won't do, I find ; I must try another method. lAaide.]
Wife, wife! don't, you hear tln'iu ? The thieves are breaking in at the
door; but I'll bite 'em this way. Here they come! My musket!
I'll shoot 'em! Stop thief ! [Cy/ter^sSxAUi-.] My musket! my musket 1-i
[ExU, R. H. 'J*
Snarl. A thief! my musket! Ecod, it may be dangerous to argue '
with a madman and a blunderbuss.
Re-enter Scout, r. ji., with a birch-broom, which he levels a' Snarl, who,
supposing it a musket, scrambUn off, l. u.. crying out :
Oh Lord ! Oh dear !
Scout. Ila, ha, ha ! He's gone at last.
Mrs. S. Yes, yes, he's gone. You have no further occasion for me ;''
but stay you here for fear of his return. [Exit, r. h.
Scout. So I have got a reprieve for some time at least. Here he
comes again. Stop thief! stop thief! stop thief I Oh! it'? my new
clieat.
12 TEE VILLAGE LAWYER.
Enter Sheepface, l. h.
Sheep. At your worship's service ; Justice Mittimus is ready, and
tht! court will sit immediately.
Scout. Wait till I put on my gown, and be sure you remember the
instructions I gave you. .
Sheep. Never fear, your worship. Baa! Practice makes perfect, they
say.
Scout. This way ; we have no time to lose.
Sheep. I have been improving myself this half-hour past, in ourpens",
and now I am so fluent in talking like a sheep, that I question if his
worship and the whole bench together could beat me at it. Baa!
baa ! [Exeunt, i.. H.
SCENE III. — The Court at the Justice's. Table and Jive chairs.
Mittimus discovered ; two Justices, b. h., and Sxap.l discovered, l. h.
Mil. Well, the court is assembled, and the parties may appear.
Where is your lawyer, neighbor Snarl ?
Snarl. I am my own lawyer.
Enter ScouT, Sheepface, and Constables, l. h.
Scout. [Aside to Sheepface.] How, rascal, you have imposed upon
me. Is that the plaintiff?
Sheep. Yes, that's his worship, my good master.
Scout. [Asid.e.] How shall I get out of this scrape 1 If I go off, it
will rouse his suspicions. I'll e'en stay, and outface him.
Snarl. [Seeing Scout.] Hey-day ! who have we here 1 The very
fellow, as I live.
Mil. Neighbor Snarl, you are the plaintiff; begin.
Smirl. Then you must know, that this thief
Mit. Come, come, no abuse.
Snarl. The short and the long of it then is, that this scoundrel,
shephurd of mine that was, has robbed me of fourteen wethers.
Scout. That remains to be proved.
Snarl [Aside,'] His voice, by Jupiter 1
Mit. What proof have you ?
Snarl. Proof — why I — I sold them this morning — no, I don't mean
that — I gave him in charge Jour yards — no, I don't mean that — four-
score .«heep, I should say, and there are but threescore and six forth-
coming.
Scout. I deny the fact.
Snarl. Well, if I had not left the other in a lunacy fit, I should
swear this was the very man.
Mit. This is the very man, without doubt ; but that is not the point,
at present. The fact, neighbor Snarl, prove the fact.
Snarl. I prove it by my oath — I mean by the count of my flock.
What's become of the four yards — fourteen sheep, I should say — that
are missing?
Scout. They are dead of the rot.
Snarl. Zounds ! 'tis he himself.
Mit. Again, why I tell you once more, neighbor, nobody doubts
THK VILLAOK LAWYER. l3
that. It is asserted that your shnep died of the rot. What do jou
answer to that ?
Snarl. I answer that it is a confounded lie, and the proof oii't is. I
was hiding behind the hedge, when who should come up liut this fel-
low, and laying hold of one of the fattest of my wethers, sits d'.wn
beside me, and after cajoling me for awhile about Wiiherington,
Gomery, lie makes no more ado, but carries off four yards of it.
Mil. Four yards of your wethers?
Snarl. Eh ! no— my cloth — I say my cloth — the other
3fU What other, neighbor, what other?
Scout. Dear sir, he's mad, raving mad.
Mit. I fear so. Harliye, neighbor Snarl ; not all the justices in the
country — no. nor their clerks either — could make anything of your
evidence. You talk of fourteen wethers stole from you, and you
jumble up with that four yards of cloth, and Wittington. and 1 don't
know what. Stick to your wethers, I say, or I must discharge the
prisoner. But the shortest way is to examine him himself. Come
here, my good fellow ; hold up your head. What is your name ?
S/iee}). Baa!
Snarl. He lies ; his name is Sheepface.
Mil. Well. Sheeplaco or Baa, no matter for the name. Tell me, is
it true that Mr. Snarl gave you fourscore sheep in charge ?
Sheep. Baa !
Mit. How ? Oh ! his fears get the better of him, perhaps. Come,
come, don't be alarmed ; did Mr. Snarl catch you at night killing one
of his wethers ?
Sheep. Baa !
Mit. Hey-day! what can this mean'?
Scoitt. Why, sir, the blows the plaintifiF gave the poor fellow on his
head, have ati'ected his brain, and put him, as your worship .sees, be-
side himself. He's to be trepanned as soon as the court breaks up,
and Mr. Mincemeat, the surgeon, says it is the whole materia medica
to a dose of jalap that he never recovers.
Snarl. Oh ! for the matter of that, it was a dark night; and when-
ever I strike, I always strike home, and when and where I can.
Scout. There, sir, he confesses the fact ; a voluntary confession.
3fU. Ay, ay, a voluntary confession. Release the prisoner ; I find
no cause o!' complaint against him. [Exit Co.NSTAnLKS. l. ii.
Snarl. But I appeal. As to you, Mr. Irongray, we shall meet.
[ To ScoiT.
Mil. Oh fie, Mr. Snarl ! you are much to blame.
Snarl. To blame, quotha ! One runs off with my clolli : the other
cuts the throats of my wethers ; one pays me with (Jomery. and the
other with baa : yet, after all, I am to blame! As lor you. Mr. .lus-
lice, I'll appeal to a higher court, and that you shall find. .Mr. Wise-
acre. [Exit, I. u.
Scoui. [To Shekpface.] Go thank his worship, go.
Shetf. Baa, baa !
Mit. Enough, enough. Poor fellow! go and be trepaniu'd (iireclly;
go. [Exit, It. u.
Sheep. Baa !
14 THE VILLAGK LAWYER.
Scout. W(ll, I have brought you oflf with flying colors, you see ; and
you are a man of your word, I know ; and I am sure you will pay me
generously, as you have promised me.
Slieep. ]>aa !
Scout. Yes, yes ; you played your- part very well, but that isn't the
point now. My lee — do you see ? — my fee.
Sheep. Baa !
Scout. What, am I to be outwitted by a walking scrubbing post? a
two-legged bull-wether? a
Sheep. Baa !
Scout. So I am outdone here, I find. But come, will you assist in
lu'inging about n)y daughter's marriage? If the scheme succeeds — if
you and your wife, my maid Kate, play your parts well, I shall think
myself sufficiently paid — if not, I'll show you what it is to attempt
cheating a — lawyer. But to your hiding-place, scoundrel, do you
hearl
Sheep. Baa, baa ! [Exit, L. H.
Scout. The devil baa you. But come, his worship seems so persuaded
of the fellow's dangerous situation, that it will be no hard matter to
persuade him that he's at the point of death. But here he comes, and
Kate along with him. The work's begun, I see ; I must stay and lend
a hand.
Enter Mittimus and Kate, b. h.
Mil. Poor fellow ! Dead do you say, and so suddenly, too 1
Kale. Yes— ye — es, sir. Oh, oh! oh dear! {Crying.
Scout. Poor wench ! An ugly affair this for Mr. Snarl.
Mit. Don't weep so, child ; I'll see justice done you.
ji Kate. Oil, my husband! my poor dear husband ! oh, oh, oh, oh !
.. Mit. Nay. be comforted ; consider, you were married yesterday
morning, and
Kate. Ay, that's the reason ; had he lived a day or two longer, it
would have been some con-so-la-tion ! Oh, oh, oh!
Mit. The murderer shall be punished ; I have given the necessary
orders already, and you will shortly have the comfort of seeing him
hanged.
Scoid. Hanged ! Poor neighbor Snarl ! So valuable a member of
the community too. He'll be a public loss, neighbor Mittimus, a
public loss.
Alii. True, he was a useful man in the country. But what can I
do 1 here's a man murdered, and his widow demands justice.
Scout. But what service would it be to you, Kate, to have Mr. Snarl
hanged ? Would it not be better to
Kale. Why. sir, I am not revengeful, and if there was any friendly
way of making up matters, you know how I love your worship's god
daughter.
Mit. My god-daughter! what concerns has .she in this affair"?
Kate. Why. an' please your worship, Charles, Mr. Snarl's only son
is in love with Miss Harriet, your worship's god-daughter ; but Mr.
Snarl won't consent to the marriage. Now your worship is a man ol
learning, and if you set about it, I'm sure you might contrive some-
thing to please all parties.
THE VILLAGE LAWYER. 15
Mit. I have it. We'll hush matters up on condition that Mr. Snarl
consents to Ihe match. But neighbor Scout, do you consent ?
Scout. Why, I had no intention of marrying my daughter yet ; but
to save Mr. Snarl from being hanged, come, I consent.
Mit. They are bringing him this way, I see ; leave us together.
Scout, ni but ju.st fill up the blanks of a band, which you'll oblige
bim to sign ; otherwise he might retract, you know.
lEzii Scout and Kate, k. h.
Enter Snarl and Coxstables, l. h.
Mit. Well, neighbor Snarl, the poor wretch you beat they fay is
dead ; and you confessed the fact, you know.
Snarl. I did ; a blister on my tongue for it.
Mit. The law must take its course. But first let me know whether
you would rather be banged or consent to your son's wedding.
Snarl. Neither one nor t'other.
Mit. Lawyer Scout has a daughter— jbeautiful, and well-accom-
plished — and your son is in love with her.
Snarl. What's that to me ?
Mit. Now matters might be hushed up if you consent to their mar-
riage.
Snarl. I'll be banged first.
Mil. Away with him to prison then.
Snarl. Hold, hold ! I'll consent.
Enter Sconr and Charles, l. h.
Scout. Here's a bond ready for signing ; and Mr. Snarl, if any of
my family can be of service to you in your present misfortune, you
may command me.
Snarl. Eh, what ! do you want another four yards of cloth, rascal ?
Bnt come, give me this bond. There. [Signs it.
Mit. Come, Charles, you and I will be witnesses. So you have had
a fortunate escape, neighbor Snarl ; I wish you joy of your good
luck.
Snarl. Yes, this has been a lucky day for me, truly,
Enter two Countrymen, dragging in Sheepface, l. h.
Coun Bring him along.
Sheep. Mercy, good folks !
Mit. Whence comes this ghost 1
Coun. Why. an't please your worship, we found this fellow hid under
a heap of barley in our barn, so we brought him before your worship
to make him give an account of himself.
Mit. What's become of the blows your master gave you on the head ?
Sheep. Gone along with the fourteen wethers.
Snarl. What, rascal, you are not dead then ?
Sheep. Baa !
Snarl. Let me come at him ! I have paid for the killing, and it is
but fair I should have the worth of my money ; so, if I'm not allowed
to choke him, I retract the consent I gave.
16 THE TILL AG K LAWYER.
Scout. With all my heart ; fo you may pay the penalty of your
bond, which is two thousand guinea?.
Snarl. Two thousand devils ! But come, joking apart, you'll pay
me the fifty pounds your father owod mine 1
Scout. Yes, when you can produce nie his note.
Snarl. Mercy upon me ! But tljcu my (our yards of cloth.
Scout. I'll wear them at your sou's wedding.
Snarl. Well, at any rate, give m*' my sl)aie of the goose.
Scout. It flew back this morning to Norlnlk.
Snarl. Then this rascal shall pay for all. and I'll begin by having
him hanged.
Cliar. 'Tis time I own the truth, father. He has done nothing but
by my direction, and to supply my necessities ; therefore, suffer me
to meet your future indulgence by the means of conquering all such
temptations hencefoward.
Snarl. Hem ! well, it must be so then, I think ; and, to prevent any
future abuse, I'll sell off all my sheep, and then they'll neither die
of the rot. nor shall I need a shepherd.
Scout. Well, so far have I succeed fully, both for myself and client:
but a cause in which we are all interested, remains yet to be deter-
minod, which we must learn from the decision of this tribunal —
whether the Village Lawter is to be struck off the roll, or not.
THE END.
Ljciulord ^=
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