Everybody s Book 'OF English Wit -^ .-&* and riumour. . ' - E ^Y. JACOBS & CO. LIBRARY THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SANTA BARBARA PRESENTED BY Miss Rosario Curie tti WJSB /f Everybody's Book of English Wit and Humour Classified under appropriate Subject Headings, with, in many cases, a Reference to a Table of Authors. PHILADELPHIA : G. W. JACOBS & CO., 103, SOUTH FIFTEENTH STREET. ill 111 PREFACE. GLISH WIT AND HUMOUR" is a compilation of some of the best specimens of wit and humour contained in the language, and the most brilliant examples of wit will be found, upon examination, to have been those which were unpremeditated, and which were the result of the contact of two minds upon an unexpected subject ; while the best specimens of humour will be seen to be those in which the humour is unconscious. One example of the latter came to the notice of the compiler after the text of this booklet was printed, and which is too good to be lost. He was talking to the manager of a large bookselling establishment in London, when one of the assistants, who had been asked by a customer for a child's book, took up a copy of " Robinson Crusoe," and said to the manager, "Please, sir, is this a Child's Book?" The latter admitted that this was hard on the literary talent of the establishment. But, reader, pass in ! W. H. HOWE. LIST OF KNOWN WOEKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED. (Indicated in the Text by corresponding members.) 1. Wit and Hitmour . . . (SHIRLEY BROOKS). 2 (SIDNEY SMITH). 3. Broad Grins (MAURICE DA VIES). 4 - (DOUGLAS JERROLD). 5 . (OLIVER GOLDSMITH). 6 (" READING MERCURY ''). 7. Fragments of Classical Fun . > , 7 J ^MAURICE DAVIES). 8. National Fun . . . ) 9. Anecdotes of Dr Johnson . . (MRS PIOZZI). 10 (W. WlLBERFORCE). 11. Anecdotes of the Clergy . . . (JACOB LARWOOD). 12 ("CHAMBERS' BOOK OF DAYS"). 13. Life of Pitt (EARL STANHOPE). 14 ("BLACKWOOD'S MAGA- ZINE"). 15. Life of Archbishop Whateley . . (FITZPATRICK). 16 ("PALL MALL GAZETTE"). 17 ("THE STAR"). WORKS, ETC., QUOTED. 18. Life and Character of John, Howe , (HENRY ROGERS, D.D.). 19 (BUCKLE). 20. .- (W. H.HOWE). 21. . . . . . . (LORD MALMESBUEY). 22. Life of Dr Johnson . . . (BOSWELL). 23 ("THE WORLD"). 24. Johnsoniana (MURRAY). 25. Life of Douglas Jerrold . . (BLANCHARD JERROLD). 26 (Da JOHNSON). 27. Life of Reynolds .... (NORTHCOTE). 28 (THEODORE HOOK). 29. Life of Col-man .... (PEAKE). 30 (ROGER'S TABLE TALK). 31 (T. HOOD). 32. Fragments of Classical Fun . , (MAURICE DAVIES). 33 (DIARY OF T. MOORE). 36 ("BcBNSLEY INDEPEN- DENT "). 37 (SIDNEY SMITH). 38. All the Ymr Roiind . . . (CHARLES DICKENS). CONTENTS. A Bid at an Auction A Bishop on Squinting A Bishop Surprised . A " Bull" in a Pulpit A Carefully-trained Witness A Cautious Referee . A Chat on Blindness A Child proving his Ability to use a Dinner Knife . A Child Thrust A Child's Definition of Happiness A Child's Idea of a "Sister of Charity " . A Church Living in the Nineteenth Century A Clever Coachman . A Clever Juror A Cock that couldn't Crow A Collision Illustrated . A Commission Agent as a Purchaser A Conservative "Zoo" A Consistent Preacher A Consumptive Patient A Convincing Rejoinder . A Cool Reception A Curious Account . A Cutting Answer . A Day after " the Fair " . A Dead Letter A Distinction . Page Page . 140 A Distinction and a Difference 70 . 137 46 A Double Disgrace . A Double-barrelled Answer 114 46 49 A Doubtful Apology 80 ness 95 " A Fellow Feeling makes 55 us Wondrous Kind " . 83 67 A Fool's Knowledge and ty Ignorance 42 75 A Forget-Me-Not . 104 86 A " Friendly " Attitude 122 of A Funny Announcement 124 96 A Gallant Schoolboy's er Clever Toast 181 . 74 A Good Conundrum 97 ie A Good " Judge " in . 146 more Senses than One . 152 52 A Good Judge of Sermons 149 . 100 A Good Move . 77 ow 148 A Good Representative . 61 . 109 A Good Shot . 8? a A Greater Reform than 82 " The Reformation " . 30 19 A Genuine " Turner " 21 44 80 A Grim and Witty Descrip- tion of the Experience of 39 Some Wives . 169 76 A Heavy Charge 31 38 A Highwayman who Failed . 101 in Business . 48 55 "A Host in Himself" is . 101 Sometimes Expensive . 73 67 A Humorous " Cabby A Keen Judge A Keen Request A Keen Thrust A Lawyer's Fee A Lesson on Passive Verbs A Lesson to Clients . A Little Girl's Idea of Cash "A Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing " A Little Previous . A Little Swearing . A Lord's Reason for Seek- ing the Lost Ten Tribes A Madman Saved from Starvation by a Doctor's Wit .... A Materialistic Nobleman A Methodical Maniac A Methodical Organ- Blower. A Musical Wedding A New "Line" for Pub- lishers .... A New Rhyme to an Old Line .... A New Trinity A Novelty in the Way of a Loan .... A Pennyworth of Figs A ' ' Personal " Illustration A Pointed Question and a Rough Answer A Possible Explanation of Changed Opinions A Prayer which could not be Answered A Pretty Retort A Prisoner Pleading for his Lawyer . A Procrastinating Wit A Promise Defined, Sought, and Obtained QNTENTS. 7 Page i Page 167 A Proof that Adam and 115 Eve were English . 47 137 A Quaker's Impatience to 116 see his Visitor ' ' Again " 158 113 97 A Qualifying Proposal A Question which needed 125 70 no Answer . 168 A Recognised Need 160 74 A .Rejected Lover's Re- 44 buke .... 47 130 A Retort not Understood Perhaps 127 173 A Sailor's Explanation of Etiquette . 123 A School for Adults 178 176 A Searching Question 62 142 A Second St Paul in 160 Some Things A Sense of Unworthiness 88 41 81 A Sense of Loneliness 17 138 A Sexton in Trouble 37 A Skeleton Account Col- 40 lector .... 88 A Snob Wittily Snubbed 86 43 "A Stranger, and Ye 41 Took Me In ! " . 139 A Study in Natural His- 103 tory . 147 128 A Thorny Subject . 90 116 A Trade Distinction, with Little Difference . 125 159 A Tribute to Scotch Thrift 163 A True Bishop 138 140 A Typical Wooer . 180 A Well-prepared "Brief" 86 157 A Well-timed "Grace" . 100 128 A Well-timed Reply 128 A Wife's Retort . 113 187 A Witty Cleric and an 142 Aged Bridegroom A Witty Dean Checkmated 113 94 172 A Witty Decision . 141 8 CONTEXTS. Page A Witty Definition of Tact 170 A Witty Description of a Wedding . . 155 A Witty Drunkard . . 159 A Witty Remark on Pos- terity .... 79 A Woman's Reason for preferring Extempore Preaching ... 96 "Abstract" and "Con- crete" ... 61 Accommodating his Auditor 33 Accounting for His Baldness 66 Advantages of Occasion- ally Reading the Bible 75 Afraid to Venture . . 125 " Agricultural " Boys . 184 "All But!" ... 75 "Almost Persuaded" to "Make a Christian of Him" .... 140 " Also " and " Likewise " A "Friendly" Expo- sition .... 126 Amusing Tithe Story . 35 An Accommodating Excise- man .... 98 An Answer by Return . 89 An Apprentice and Early Rising .... 112 An Appropriate Description 30 An Apt Scripture Quotation 131 An Ecclesiastical Comforter 19 An Effective Peroration . 49 An Englishman's Remarks on a Scotchman's Tena- city . i37 An Equitable Exchange . 44 An Excellent Memory, or "Remembering to do Good" . . . 129 An explicit and exact Witness 45 Page An Exposed Intellect . 189 An Important Pre-nuptial Question ... 37 An Important Question . 18 An Improved Accidental 43 An Insignificant M.P. . 146 An Inspiring Hearer . 139 An Old-fashioned Gardener on Scientific Farming 168 An Open Question . . 159 An Opportunity for Boys of the Right Sort . 169 An Opposing Counsel help- ing to find Bail . . 173 An Organ-grinder's Earnings 38 An Unanswerable Argument 129 An Unanswerable Argu- ment against Bigamy . 69 An Up and Down Reply 126 Ante-Reformation Days . 149 Anxious to Put in a Good Word .... 188 Any Change must be an Improvement . . 136 Applied Agnosticism . 18 Applying the Sermon . 67 Appropriate Reproof of One Accustomed to go Mooning About . . 84 As Green as Two Peas . 173 At Home Everywhere but at Home . . .148 " At Home on Thursdays 107 At One Time, Wise At Another, Otherwise . 141 Attending to Each Other's Faults .... 90 Beginning Too Early . 125 Bishop Atterbury's Pad . 121 Bishop Law's Rebuke to an Indolent Clergyman 135 " Blindness " Explained . Blindness Somewhere Boasting of Treasm-e be- fore a Rothschild . Boaz and Ruth Bonner's Humour respecting the Loss of his own Head Book Lore Burning his Idol Bunyan's Test for a False Prophet Calvinists and Tigers . Capturing a Deserter Thirty Years after the Offence Catching Himself Out . Certain Death Either Way " Change " and " Rest " . Charles II. Floored by Stillingfleet . Charles Kean and His Critic .... Childish Wit and Wisdom Clergymen and Corkscrews Clever Contrivance to Ob- tain a Warm Seat' Club Etiquette Learned from Observation . Coals or "Coke"? . Cobbett and the Goose . Colman's Wit and Humour " Coming Home to Roost " ' ' Commentators ' ' Dis- agreeing with the Parson Consoling His Father Contents of a Kitchen Table Drawer ' ' Contingencies " Defined Comparisons are "Hideous" "Composition and De- composition " OXTENTS. 9 Page Page 31 Consolation for an Injured 84 Man .... 154 Counting the Cost . 155 125 Curious Coincidences 53 68 Curious Epistle from One Quaker to Another . 72 ' 138 Curious Letter sent by a 84 Quaker to his Watch- 100 maker .... 102 130 Curious Misconception at a Funeral 147 Curious Provision in a Will 139 55 Curious Sermon on ' ' What a Good Wife should be " 143 Cut it Short . 117 189 Cutting his Comb . 37 33 124 David and Parnell a 93 Contrast . 49 Daylight! 176 183 "Dealing " and " Leading ' 147 Dean Sherlock's ' ' Reasons ' 136 134 Defining a False Witness 91 ! Definition of a Pilgrim . 79 109 132 ; Defying and Abusing the Magistrates . 142 188 Destructive Criticism 93 " Didn't he want to go to 160 Heaven?" . 130 80 Difference between a ' ' Board ' ' 95 and a " Bench " . 183 163 Dining Late . 91 81 Diplomacy or, Silence in View of Possible Prefer- 127 ment .... 90 75 Disgusted 192 Disraeli's Sense of " Fitness " 22 57 Division of Labour in ob- 19 ' 111 serving the Church Calendar 160 Division of Labour, or a 32 Witty Thief 118 10 CONTEXTS. Page " Do you Smoke, Sir ? " 129 Doctor and Patient, and vice versd ... 40 Doing Credit to his Teacher 68 Double Meanings . . 22 Dr Donne " Undone," but not "Done Up " . . 146 Dr Jenner a " Respectable Practitioner" . . 152 Dr Johnson's Advice on Matrimony . . .120 Dr Johnson's Childhood . 113 Dr Johnson on Sermon- Hearers . . . 115 Drawing on his only Fund Humour . . . 175 Driven from the Garden . 114 Driving it Home . . 114 Every >Ian to his own Calling ... 144 Easily Altered . . . 138 Ecclesiastical Learning in the Time of Charles I. . 177 Education . . . 146 Elderly Men not always Wise .... 153 Elegy by a Schoolboy . 59 Erskine's Humour . . 170 Every Little Helps . . 43 Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit . . 117 Exceptions from ' ' The Fall " 46 Extinguishing a " Spark " 82 Faith and Ri< U< s . . 76 "Fast" Day . . .192 Fearful of Contagion . 145 Filial Solicitude and Long Life .... 95 " Filing a Bill" . . 138 Finding Time for a Man who had None . . 79 Page Fine Air but not Fine Enough . . .189 Fishing for a Compliment, and Getting it . . 36 Fools are Best Kept Apart 77 Forced by his own Wit to Compound ... 49 Fragmentary Classical Fun 191 From the Sublime to the Ridiculous . . .107 Fully Qualified to Keep his Promise*. . . 18 Gallant Wit . . *6fc Giving a Good Account of his Stewardship . . 71 Glad that his Rent was to be "Raised" . . 67 Gladstone as a Boy, or, " Coming round to Willie's Opinion " . 30 " Going by " the " Regu- lator " Coach . . 135 Going to "Star "or "To Starve"? . . .158 " Grace before Meat " . 121 " Graceful Criticism " . 132 " Grandfather's Coat " . 130 Granting his Request . 100 "Half-and-half" . . 61 Hard on "The Bench" . 90 Hard on the Donkey . 89 Hardly a Coat Left . . 116 Hats Blocked while you "Wait" . . .151 Hats Off . . . . 78 Hearing Both Sides . 112 He didn't Know Every- thing .... 131 Henry Russell's Singing . 147 Here and There, One 111 CONTESTS. 11 Page | His Birthday Party . .145 His Own with Usury . 91 i "Hogg's Wash" . . 18 Holding for the Rise . 123 Homage to the Scottish Rifles (By a Spiteful Competitor) . . .103 Hood's Humour in his last Illness . . - 146 Hope's Triumph over Ex- perience ... 45 How many Command- ments are there ? . . 78 How a Preacher both Broke and Kept his Promise . 184 How the Widow deceived her Husband's Relatives and Herself . . 41 How to eat Pine-Apple . 69 How to get rid of a Nuis- ance .... 66 How to Treat the Hands 94 Humbug Denned . . 137 "I cannot bear to say Farewell ! " and the Reason why . . 171 ' ' I slept, and O how sweet the dream ! " . . 168 " I'd like to be a Parson ! " 182 Ill-constructed Sentences 133 In return for a Brace of Birds 59 Interesting Conundrum for Asses and Commer- cial Travellers . . 128 It takes Two to Play an Organ .... 76 Johnson and a Clergy- man's Ignorance . 153 Johnson and his Fair Flatterer . 155 Page Johnson and Mr Crawford An Extinguisher . 151 Johnson's Confession of Ignorance . . . 154 Johnson's Definition of Music .... 188 Johnson's Letter to the Earl of Chesterfield . 156 Johnson's Literary Irony 70 Johnson and " Fools " . 157 Johnson on " Derangement " 173 Joseph Gillott and Turner 171 Justice Only Delayed . 110 Kemble and the Crying Child .... 40 Kingly Courtesy and Quaker Consistency . 169 Lamb and Coleridge . 99 Lamb and Mince "Sauce " 101 1 ' Lapsus Linguae " or the Dangers of Imitation . 133 Lawyer and Clients Known at a Glance ... 36 Learning the Truth about Himself ... 40 Leaving Room for a Col- lection and a Correction 115 Lengthening His Days . 39 Lengthening His Name by an Ell . . . 71 Less and Less ... 42 Less Gallant, perhaps, than Accurate . . 82 Letter from a Father in Sunderland, to his Son in Newcastle . . 77 Literary Curiosity . . 58 Local Sympathy ^ . 149 Looking Better when Least Seen . 172 12 CONTENTS. Page Lord Chesterfield and the Dirty Dishes . . 127 Lord North's Drollery . 64 Ludicrous Blunders . . 60 Hiitf 1111111 Malnm . . 119 Maiden Speech in the House of Commons . 65 Making it Look as Well as Possible ... 88 Making Free with a Judge's Character and Office . 69 Making the Most of the Situation ... 69 Making up with Wit what he Lacked in Stature . 189 Marriage A Revenge . 156 Marriage Certificates . 114 Matrimony doth Open the Eyes of the Blind . . 114 Meat or Bones? . . 157 Ministerial Exchanges . 123 Modern Commercial Penalties 97 "Moods" and "Cases" from a Schoolboy's Life 123 More Practical than Patriotic 21 More Witty than Wise . 114 Mortifying Simplicity . Ill Mr Spurgeon on Modern Bonnets ... 88 My Wife's Diary . . 56 X.B. P.S. ... 82 Nathan and David . . 83 Native Wit versus Nor- man Blood . . .188 Necessary Evils . . 99 " Never Forget tne Dear Ones" .... 31 New Thoughts on an Old Text 135 Page "Xo Effects" without Causes . . . .136 No Escaping the Collec- tion on that Occasion . 96 No Inoculation Needed . 122 No " Manners" to Spare 95 Non-Convertible Terms . 89 ' ' Not a Seat to be Had " 21 Not Deaf Enough to go to Concerts ... 99 Not " For Ever ! " . . 98 Not "Home Rule" but "Home Ruin" . . 50 Notice of Non -Responsi- bility for a Wife . . 43 Obeying Orders . . 155 Obliging the Judges . 33 Offering a Premium on Theft .... 145 Often Absent in Disputes 149 Once, Quite Enough . 37 One Example in which a Translation is better than an Original . . 70 One for Jehu and Two for Himself . . .122 One New Leaf Quite Enough for One Turn . 90 One Thankful the Other Glad .... 99 One Way of Recognising a Gentleman . . 38 'Opeless Helocution . 50 Palmerston's Humour in His Last Illness . 145 Patriarchal Longevity Ac- counted for . . . 97 Perfection . . . 81 Perhaps it was the Fault of the Absent One . 159 Perpetual Wits Perpet- ual Thieves .. Piety which is not Reli glOUS ... Pinning Him to the Litei'al Meaning . Piscatorial Discussion at a Musical Party Pitt and Possible* Invasion Pitt's Effort of Memory . Playful Thoughts on Mar- riage ... "Playing the Fool" Playing the Wrong Organ Poetry and Prose Politely Said ; but Left Unsaid Still More Polite Politeness in Prayer Political Fireworks . Political Ophthalmia and its Cause . Poverty a Virtue Preventing the Scapegrace from Sharing in the Will Prevention in this Case the Next Best Thing to Cure ... Probably Money-hunting Proclaiming his Ignorance Promotion and Pride Prophecy Fulfilled . Proving his Words rather Unexpectedly Proving that the Earliest Biser was the Greatest Loser ... Public School Equity Puritan Wit .. Putting on the Finishing Touch .. Putney Bridge in Olden Time . CONTENTS. 13 Page Page Quaker Wooing . . 51 40 Qualification for a Lawyer 66 . Qualification for Burial 128 with Military Honours 66 al Quid Pro Quo . 78 . 154 t Quin and the Coxcomb . Quoting the Fathers 65 102 20 n 132 A.f\ Rebuking a Preacker . 4O and Repenting . 48 OO Referring him to a Good , OO f\{* Authority . 168 yt> n 144 61 L Related by Marriage Reproving Directly and Indirectly . 17 116 t Result of being "Not ite 71 Under the Law " . 172 155 Q1 Rochester's Wit Capped ol by Charles II. 's Humour 117 /j-f Royal Art Critics . 45 ol Royal Precedence . 134 66 36 Rude Wit 172 'ill 69 e Sam Deacon's I'gly Car- 5 riage .... 137 . 54 Saving Him from His ! 72 Rashness . . . 124 26 100 " Saving" the Dinner 133 76 Scarcity and High Prices 137 71 Scholastic Wit 149 r " Second Childhood " 122 44 Sectarian Repartee . 123 t " Seeing Double " . 32 t Seeking Information, and . 119 91 Finding It " Sermons in Stones " 17 153 33 "Seven" and "Eleven" g at Dr Kitchiner's 126 35 " Shaving" the Barber . 72 a " Shaving " Them Both . 65 63 She Left Nothing Behind 35 14 CONTENTS. Page Sheridan's Ability Doubted by his Son . . .181 Shortening Time by Dis- tance . . .83 Silencing a Scoffer . 99 Sin and Size . . 124 Sink-we Scento . 108 Skeleton Humour . 162 Skin and Bone versus Flesh and Blood . . 95 Slow and Sure . . 35 " Smoking " an Explana- tion .... 107 Solomon's System of Self- defence ... 144 Something to Show his Friends ... 41 Splendid Debating Power 117 Sticking at Nothing . 102 Stopping a Leaky Gas-pipe 20 Suet or Dripping ? . .129 Surnames ... 51 Sydney Smith and "A Meeting of the Clergy " 135 Shaking Hands at a Duel 135 Sydney Smith and his Por- trait .... 134 Sydney Smith and the Stout Widow . . 103 Sydney Smith on Official Accuracy (Couleur de "Rose") ... 181 Sydney Smith on the Education of Women . 106 Sydney Smith on the Preaching of the Clergy 110 Sydney Smith's- Descrip- tion of Curates . . 177 Sydney Smith's Descrip- tion of the Irish Clergy 180 Sydney Smith's Political Simile 108 Page Take no Tbongbt . . . wherewithal ye shall be Clothed" . . 120 Taken " Off -Duty ". . 85 Taking Care of the Wrong Key .... 89 Taking Him at His Own Price 112 Taking it Coolly . . 32 Teacher versus Pupil . Ill Temperance (and Intem- perance) in Three Words 1 7 Temptation to Suicide . 48 Thackeray Broadening Carlyle's Vision . . 169 Thankful for Small Mercies 107 The Adulterator's Alphabet 166 The Archbishop and the Archdeacon ... 92 The Ass was " Missing " . 72 The Bishop, the Boy, and the Banbury Cake . 85 The Cost of a Wife accord- ing to Scripture . . 70 The Dean and the Lunatic 101 The Domestic Catechism 87 The First Cake after the Wedding . . .170 The First Person Singular 36 The Fly declining the Spider's Invitation . 96 The ' ' Form " which gives the Eite Meaning . 104 The Gallant Butcher . 98 The Golden Rule . .110 The Human Side of Royalty 103 The Infallibility of every Child's "Papa" . ". 84 The Inflexibility of ' ' Habit " both in Name and Nature 96 The Judge and the Cabman 154 The King, Lord Chester- field, and the Devil . 131 CONTENTS. 15 Page The Lady and the Play . 133 The Lady with Holes in her Stockings . . 118 The Letter H ... 93 The Limit of Debate . 42 The Moods and Tenses of the Money Lender . 122 The Mud-Fish. . . 62 The Only Keason against ParneU's Retirement . 50 The Origin of Evil . . 174 The Origin of the Term, "The Republic of Letters" 20 The Paley Family Arms . 134 The Shortest Grace . . 189 The Plural of Egal . . 62 The Possibilities of Child- hood .... 84 The Power of Emphasis . 93 The Prevailing Sense of the House . . .152 The Promise of the God- Parents . . .129 The Puritan and the Young Lady's Curls . 136 The Quickest Courtship and Marriage on Re- cord ..... 150 The_Ruling Passion Strong in Disappointment . 175 The Ship Chaplain's Ser- mon on Heaven . . 150 The Size of Meanness . 139 The Strength of Political Bias .... 92 The Sweep Turning the Tables on the Parson . 71 " The Tongue can no Man Tame". . . .150 The Treaty Explained . 104 " The Very Worst/' Fol- lowed by a Still Worse 82 Page The Worst "Ism" in Christendom . . 119 The Wrecked Archbishop and the Eleventh Com- mandment . . . 158 Theodore Hook's Power of Improvisation . . 190 Thinking "Nothing of It" . . . . 154 Thoughts on Book-Borrow- ing .... 20 Thoughts on Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister .... 18 Tight-lacing " Good " for Consumption . . 125 Tom Sheridan's Adventure 185 " Too many Cooks " . 108 Too Tame to be Borne . 81 Top and Bottom . . 55 Translated Fun . . 117 Transposition ! . . 156 ' ' Trodden Under Foot " . 116 True Enough, and Enough, Though True . . 156 Truth and Patience . 33 Twelve Pennyworth for One Shilling . . .151 Two Alma Maters Result 111 Two Birds with One Stone 112 Two Boys' "Tall" Talk . 70 Two Examples of French Running ... 73 Two Negatives Imply an Affirmation ... 92 Unused Possessions . 68 Up and "Doing" . . 97 Using his Wit to Hide his Ignorance . . . 187 Very Small for its Age 65 16 CONTENTS. Were they both Insane ? What the Sermon was about What the Scotch cannot Help What the Waits ought to do on Boxing Day What to do with Medicine What's often Thought, but ne'er so well Ex- pressed Whe an Antagonist is Agreeable . When is a Saddle a Mule ? When Thirteen is an Un- lucky Number " Where are We ?" Whistling A good Tem- perance Agent Why he did not get any Pudding Why he wore the Blue Ribbon Why he wouldn't buy Haydn's Music . Why the Bailiffs went away without their Prisoner Page Page 14 Why the Drunkard couldn't 119 get in . Why "The Spectator" ex- 33 22 celled ' ; The Tattler " . 169 Why they were out of 187 Spirits . 68 66 Wilberforce's Candour . I Willing to Wait . 120 42 " Wine Office Court " 19 85 Wisdom which was Ac- 55 quired not Hereditary "Wit" and the "Oppo- 127 80 site " . 84 Wit Denned and Exem- 80 plified .... 79 93 Withdrawing his Support from the Devil 19 120 "Without Knowledge or Understanding" . 98 79 Witty Impromptu . 184 Woman's Position in Re- 74 lation to Beauty . 32 Wordsworth's Mind 141 63 Wordsworth's Prettiest Production . 36 Wrecked on the Coral 153 Reefs .... 39 Everybody's Book of English Wit and Humour. A Sense of Loneliness. "All the world," said an old Quaker to his wife, "is queer, except thee and me and thee is a little queer. " Seeking Information, and Finding It. Coleridge was acknowledged to be a bad rider. One day, riding through a street, he was accosted by a would-be wit : " I say, do you know what happened to Baalam ? " Came the answer sharp and quick : " The same as happened to me. An ass spoke to him ! " Related By Marriage. As my wife and I, at the window one day, Stood watching a man with a monkey, A cart came by, with a " broth of a boy," Who was driving a stout little donkey. To my wife I then spoke, by way of a joke, " There's a relation of yours in that carriage ; " To which she replied, as the donkey she spied, "Ah yes, a relation EY MAKBIAGE !" Temperance (and Intemperance) in Three Words. Theodore Hook, when dining with the author of a work called " Three Words to the Drunkard," was asked to review it. " Oh, my dear fellow, that I have already done in three words pass the bottle." ( 17) 18 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF An Important Question. Sydney Smith was advised, when ill, to take a morning walk upon an empty stomach. " Upon whose ? " was his inquiry. [3] Thoughts on Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. A woman quarrelling with her husband, told him she believed if she was to die he would marry the devil's daughter. " The law does not allow a man to marry two sisters," replied the tender husband. May a man marry his wife's sister ? is a question which can only be properly answered by the sister herself when the widower makes a proposal. Applied Agnosticism. " I am an agnostic," remarked a young man, in a proud and dignified tone of voice. " And an agnostic is what ? " inquired an elderly gentleman. " An agnostic," replied the smart youth, in a manner full of pity for the old man's ignorance, " an agnostic is a fellow, don't you know, who isn't sure of anything." " I see," was the reply ; " but how does it happen that you are so sure you are an agnostic ? " Fully Qualified to Keep His Promise. The late Mr Thorold Rogers used to relate an amusing incident of his experience during the 1885 elections. Some of the replies which he received during the canvass were more expressive than polite, and upon one occasion, in response to the stereotyped request, a voter answered indignantly, "No, I won't : I would see you in h first ! " The Professor received the outburst in a very resigned spirit, and meekly replied, "Well, my friend, in case I do get there, I should say that you will be pretty sure to see m." [17] "Hogg's Wash." Here is another story of that racy humour with which the late Professor Thorold Rogers often delighted his friends, and occasionally offended his opponents. Some few years ago, before he lost his seat, he took a great interest in the condition of the Thames, and did what he could to induce Sir James McGarel Hogg, the chairman of the Metropolitan Board of Works, to improve it ; but his efforts were in vain, and the Professor sought revenge. He went down to the Thames and filled a square bottle with some water that was excellent as a specimen of the objection- ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 19 able qualities of the river, and he labelled this bottle, " Hogg's Wash," and hung it up in the smoking-room of the House of Commons. [16] Withdrawing "His Support from the DeviL Equally amusing was Mr Rogers's reply to the elector who frankly assured him that he would "vote for the devil first." " Very good, sir, very good," said the stoical Professor ; " but in case your friend does not come to the poll, may I hope to be favoured with your support ? " The retort was both happy and effective, for from that day the voter to whom it was addressed was amongst his most enthusiastic supporters. [17] A Conservative "Zoo." During the contest for the new seat given to the Hornsey division of Middlesex by the Redistribution Act, Sir James McGarel Hogg (the late Lord Magheramorne), the Conservative candidate, was addressing a meeting of the electors. Sir James in his rather random remarks, made statements which Mr E H , a son of a prominent Liberal, felt bound to " question" and this more than once. Being nettled at this, Sir James made a digression which cost him more than he bargained for. " There is a young man here," said he, pointing at Mr H , "who behaves as if he thought he had come to the Zoological Gardens." " Yes, so I have," said Mr H , " come to see the Hogg." [20] " Wine Office Court." Douglas Jerrold and a friend had been dining together at "The Old Cheshire Cheese," in Wine Office Court, Fleet Street, when, his friend, having taken too much wine, Douglas took him out into the Court for fresh air. Here, however, his friend became sick. Just at that moment a stranger approached and asked Douglas if that was " Wine Office Court." " No," replied Jerrold, "this is wine off his stomach." " Contingencies "Defined. Theodore Hook used to describe contingencies as " things that never happen." [28] An Ecclesiastical Comforter. Before the first Bishop of New Zealand left England, Sydney Smith, in taking leave, affected to impress upon his friend the dangers of his mission : "You will find," he said, "in preaching to the cannibals, that 20 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF their attention, instead of being occupied by the spirit, will be concentrated on the flesh ; for I am told that they never breakfast without a cold missionary on the sideboard." In shaking hands with the new prelate, as he was leaving the house, Smith added : " Good-bye. We shall never meet again; but let us hope that you may thoroughly disagree with the savage that eats you. " [2] The Origin of the Term, " The Republic of Letters." Tom Hood suggested that the phrase, "republic of letters," washit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not a sovereign amongst them. Piscatorial Discussion at a Musical Party. Theodore Hook was at a musical party, at which a young lady attempted to sing a very difficult song, which she gave with exag- gerated feeling and a great many blunders. " Don't you adore her singing ? " asked a gushing old lady, who sat next Hook ; " it's so full of soul" "Well, madam, for my part," answered the wit, "there seems more of the flounder, than the sole about it." [28] Stopping a Leaky Gas-pipe. Jerrold had a friend who was fond of implying in his conversa- tion that he was very well connected, and who frequently referred to "my friend, Lord" this, and "my chum, Lord" that. Riding out with Douglas Jerrold one day the conversation turned on fish. " Ah," said the swell, " d'you know I was dining at Lord 's the other evening, and I was very much surprised that there was no fish on the table." "No need to be surprised," said Douglas ; "that was because they had eaten it all upstairs." [4] Thoughts on Book-borrowing. Those who have collected books, and whose good nature has prompted them to accommodate their friends with them, will feel the sting at an answer which was made to one who lamented the difficulty which he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes that he lent them. ' Sir/ he said, '' your acquaintance find, I suppose, that it is ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 21 easier to retain the books themselves than what is contained in them. " An English gentleman has the following quotations on a name- plate which he places in every one of his books. At the top it reads : "The wicked borroweth and payeth not again." At the bottom : " Go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves." The beauty of these quotations is that they "hit" none but trans- gressors, and do not touch any who choose to keep themselves out- side their scope, by either buying books or returning those they have borrowed. The unscrupulousness of some borrowers is no doubt tacitly re- ferred to in the Scripture passage : " Lend, hoping for nothing in return." [20] Sir Walter Scott said that bad arithmeticians were often very good look-keepers ; and it is the ' general opinion that more people understand book-keeping than book-i^irning. Why there is less shame felt by people who borrow books and forget or neglect to return them, than is felt on account of other borrowed articles for example, money is a mystery. A Genuine " Turner." Turner the painter was a ready wit. Once, at a dinner, where several artists, amateurs, and literary men were convened, a poet, by way of being very facetious, proposed as a toast the health of the painters and glaziers of Great Britain. The toast was drunk, and Turner, after returning thanks for it, proposed the health of the British paper-stainers. " Not a Seat to Be Had." Dr Johnson treated Mrs Siddons, who called upon him in Bolt Court, with the most marked politeness. Frank, his servant, could not immediately bring her a chair. "You see, madam," said the Doctor, "wherever you go, there isn't a seat to be had." More Practical than Patriotic. A clergyman was descanting to the boys in a day school on the necessity of growing up good and useful citizens. In order to give emphasis to his remarks by appealing to their patriotic feelings, he pointed to a large flag hung up on the wall of the school, and exclaimed, "Boys, what is that for ? ' 22 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF A little urchin, who understood the condition of the room better than the speaker's rhetoric, shouted out, "To hide the dirt, sir!" Disraeli's Sense of "Fitness." Since Lord Rosslyn's death we have seen no allusion to the well- known manner in which he received his appointment as Lord High Commissioner to the Church of Scotland. His services to his party, and his undoubted abilities, made it impossible to pass him over. "What can we do with Bosslyn?" said Dizzy. "Make him Master of the Buckhounds, as his father was," suggested one of his colleagues. "No," said the Premier, "he swears far too much for that ; we will make him High Commis- sioner to the Church of Scotland ! " And an excellent commis- sioner he made. [17] What the Scotch Cannot Help. When Boswell was introduced to Johnson in Mr Davies' back parlour, recollecting the strong prejudice of the great man towards the Scotch, he begged his host not to tell where he came from. This at once put it into Davies' head to introduce him as "from Scotland." Boswell, fearful of the effect this might have, exclaimed, "Mr Johnson, I do indeed come from Scotland, but I cannot help it." He received the crushing answer : " That, sir, I find, is what a very great many of your countrymen cannot help. " [26] Double Meanings. A young man from the country lately volunteered his services to escort a young lady home from a party. On his way he cudgelled his brains for some interesting topic of conversation to amuse her with, but in vain ; he could hit upon nothing until they met several cows, when the swain said, with much simplicity of manner, ' ' Now, isn't it strange, what a motherly appearance a cow has ? " To which the lady replied, " I do not think it strange, sir, that a cow should have a motherly appearance to a calf." The beau was silent during the rest of the walk. A gentleman, who went to take a lodging, asked the maid- servant, a remarkably handsome girl, whether she was to be let with the lodging. She answered, " No, she was to be let alone." Dr A , physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt se EXGL1SH WIT AND HUMOUR. 23 DOUBLE MEANINGS continued. long on the sexton's misconduct, as to raise his indignation so far as to draw from him this expression : "Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as / have covered so many blunders of yours" Pope, who was small and deformed, sneering at the ignorance of a young man, asked if he knew what an interrogation was. "Yes, sir," said he, "'tis a little crooked thing that asks questions." A fellow set out a sign pretending to cure agues, which he spelled egoes. Some one said to Swift, " How does that fellow profess to cure agues?" He replied, "I don't know, but I am sure it is not by spell." Dunning, the celebrated barrister, was addicted to the low and unpardonable vice of turning witnesses into ridicule at their examinations. One morning he was telling Mr Solicitor-General Lee that he had bought a few good manors in Devonshire, near his native village of Ashburton. "I wish," said Lee, "you would bring some of them into Westminster Hall ; for, upon my honour, you have most need of them there." Campbell Forster was once addressing a jury, and was much annoyed by Digby Seymour's carrying on a conversation the while. Presently he lost patience, and in his best brogue said, " Pray, Mr Saymore, be quiet." " My name is not Saymore, but Seymour," corrected Digby ; whereupon Forster angrily rejoined, " Then, sir, see more, and say less." A young lady at school, engaged in the study of grammar, was asked if " Kiss " was a common or proper noun. After some hesitation she replied, " It is both common and proper, according to circumstaEces. " A poor man being laughed at for wearing a short cloak, said, " It will be long enough before I have done with it." One day when a celebrated barrister was on his way to West* 24 EVERYBODY'S BOOR OF DOUBLE MEANINGS continued. minster Hall with his large bag full of briefs, he was impudently accosted by a boy, who asked him if he was a dealer in old clothes. "No," replied the barrister, '"'these are all new suits." "Doctor," said a friend, stopping him in the street, "what do you take for a heavy cold ? " "A fee," replied the doctor, softly, and passed on. A canon of Windsor enjoying a stroll, One day when the evening was fine, Met one of his vicars, a right jolly soul, Now rather elated with wine. "Ah, sir," said the latter, a little dismayed, " To see me, you wonder, no doubt ; I've stayed over long with my friend, I'm afraid, Indeed, we've been spinning it out." "From your manner of walking your tale I don't doubt, Though 'tis wrong in these follies to roam ; I see," he replied, " you've been spinning it out, And now you are reeling it home." A deacon once formed his Sunday-school into line, and marched them along the aisles himself in front singing: "Hold the Fort." The consternation which seized all parties at the second stanza ' ' See the mighty host advancing, Satan leading on " can be better imagined than described. Deacon B. has objected to new methods ever since. At a dinner-party not long since, an eminent Bishop was heard to read the following letter from his housekeeper with a perfectly unmoved countenance : " My lord, the emu has laid an egg; in your lordship's absence, I have put it under the biggest goose." A spunger was reproached one day for dining so often among his friends. . "What would you have me do ? " answered he : !i I am pressed to doit." ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 25 DOUBLE MEANINGS continued. "True," answered Monk Lewis, "there is nothing more pressing than hunger." "Your horse has a tremendous long bit," said a friend to Theodore Hook. " Yes," said he, " it is a lit too long. " My friends," said a builder, whose health had been drunk at a dinner in celebration of the completion of a public hall which he had constructed "My friends, I would gladly express my feelings did I not feel that I am better fitted for the scaffold than for public speaking." " Did you present your account to the defendant ? " inquired a lawyer of a client. " I did, your honour." ' ' And what did he say ? " " He told me to go to the devil." ' ' And what did you do then ? " "Why then I came to you." " I cannot imagine," said Lord Aberdeen, " why the war-party in France are always putting out their tongues at us." " It is very easily explained," replied Lord Brougham : " it is because they want to lick us." The celebrated Dr South, the witty chaplain of King Charles IT., one day called on his old friend and fellow-collegian, Dr Waterford, who pressed him to stay to dinner. Mrs W. , however, thought her arrangements disturbed, and refused to make any addition to the leg of mutton already provided, saying, "she would not be put out of her way that she would not ;" the husband, provoked beyond all patience, declared that, if it were not for the stranger in the house, he would thrash her. Dr South, who heard all this through a thin partition, hallooed out, " Dear doctor ! as we have been friends so long, I beseech you not to make a stranger of me on this occasion. " [11] He was a great bore, and was talking to a crowd about the local coming election. He said, " Jones is a good man ; he is 26 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF DOUBLE MEANINGS continued. capable, honest, fearless, and conscientious. He will make the very kind of officer we need. He once saved my life from drowning." " Do you really want to see Jones elected ? " said a solemn- faced old man. " I do indeed. I'd do anything 1 to see him elected," said the bore. " Then never let anybody know he saved your life," counselled the solemn-faced man. Lord Bridport, when he commanded the Channel Fleet, was called the " whiting catcher," from his being so often in port. At a dinner given by the Mayor of Plymouth, he said : " Captain Trowbridge, I suppose you have DO objection to fill a bumper to the health of our commander-in-chief ? " " Not any," replied the captain ; "but hand me the claret, for I am quite tired of drinking him in port." A schoolmaster inquired of one of his pupils on a cold day in winter what was the Latin word for " cold " ? "I can't remember it at the moment," said the boy, " but I have it at my fingers' ends. " "What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the morning and bang things about, and kick like every thing, just because the coffee is cold ? " "John," responded his wife, " I would make it hot for you." As her words admitted of more than one interpretation, John said nothing more about the coffee. An Editor, in reply to a young writer who wished to know which magazine would give him the highest position quickest, advised, ' ' A powder magazine, especially if you contribute a fiery article." A new story was called "The Editor's Purse." We have seen it. There is nothing in it. Lecturer's Wife: "Well, John, back from your lecture trip at last ? Did you carry your audiences with you \ " ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 27 DOUBLE MEANINGS continued.. Lecturer : " No ; but I could have done so. They were small enough." The Duke of Wellington, in a debate in the House of Commons, stated that two Irish clergymen had been murdered. A noble lord exclaimed : " No, no ; one ! " Whereupon the Duke rejoined : " If I am mistaken, I am sorry for it." A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed author, remarked, "that it was a new edition of 'The Pursuits of Literature,' unbound, but hot-pressed." In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton, who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict mffocation was misprinted stuffocation. On one occasion a large and well-known firm in St Paul's churchyard sent a set of circulars to be printed, announcing a sale of goods in their various departments at an early date. One of the circulars ran thus : ' ' On Monday, the 25th inst. , we shall offer, at wonderfully low prices, the remains of a city merchant." The Printer's reader, when he sent out the proof, put this query in the margin : ' ' Hadn't you better bury them ? " [20] Dr Byles was once arrested, and subsequently tried, convicted, and sentenced to confinement on board a guardship. This sentence was changed to confinement in his own house. A guard was placed over him. After a time the sentinel was removed, afterwards replaced, and again removed, when the doctor ex- claimed that he had been guarded, regarded, and disregarded. [11] After a consultation a lawyer and his client emerged from the office of the former. " Do you always lock your office when you go out ? " asked the client. "Yes, of course," answered the lawyer; "I don't want any rascal to get into my office before I return." At an election for the town of Bedford, Mr Whitbread and Howard the philanthropist were opposed by Sir William Wake 28 E VER YBOD Y 1 S BOOK OF DOUBLE MEANINGS contmu cd. and a Mr Sparrow. A clergyman of the Established Church, a warm supporter of the patriotic candidates, one Sunday morning during the heat of the election, took for his text that passage from St Matthew's Gospel, in which the question is proposed by our Lord to His disciples : " Are not two sparrows sold for a far- thing ? " Whence this encouragement to their perseverance and their fate is deduced : ' ' Fear ye not, therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrotcs." [11] The late Sir Robert Peel was strongly impressed with Hook's conversational powers and the genuine readiness of his wit ; in illustration of this, he used to relate, among others, the follow- ing anecdote : One morning, at Drayton Manor, where Hook was staying as a guest, some one after breakfast happened to read out from the newspaper a paragraph, in which a well- known coroner was charged with having had a corpse un- necessarily disinterred. The ladies were very severe in con- demnation of such unfeeling conduct ; a gallant captain, however, who was present, took up the cudgels in behalf of the accused, maintaining that he was a very kind-hearted man, and incapable of doing anything without strong reasons, cal- culated to annoy the friends of the deceased. The contest waxed warm. "Come," said Captain , at length turning to Hook, who was poring over the Times in a corner of the room, and who had taken no part in the discussion, "you know W , what do you think of him? Is he not a good-tempered, good-natured fellow?" ''Indeed he is," replied Hook, laying aside his paper, " I should say he was the very man to give a body a lift." [28] Daniel Purcell, who was a non- juror,' was telling a friend that when King George the First landed at Greenwich, he had a full view of him. "Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight." "Yes," replied Daniel, " I think I know hixa, lut I can't sicear to 1dm." Douglas Jerrold never learned to talk with -common patience of the translator's office ; and he regarded the adaptor as somebody who managed to cozen a reputation for originality from the ENGLISH WIT AXD RUMOUR. 29 DOUBLE MEANINGS continued . foreigner. Discussing one day with Mr Planche this vexed ques- tion, this gentleman insisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. " Do you remember my baroness in Ask no Questions ? " said Mr Planche. "Yes. Indeed, I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours with- out being struck by your barrenness," was the retort. This closed the discussion with a hearty laugh. [25] A celebrated punster was once asked to make an extemporaneous pun. " Upon what subject ?" inquired the punster. " Upon the King," said one of the company. " Oh," said the wit, " the King is no stibject." A friend let us say Barlow was describing to my father the story of his courtship and marriage how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight. My father listened to the end of the story, and by way of com- ment said, "Ah! she evidently thought Barlow better than nun." [25] We have heard of a minister who, when the anthem had con- cluded, rose and commenced reading Acts xx. : " And after the uproar was ceased." That is a story on the side of the pulpit. We are favoured with the following on the side of the choir. The minister finished his discourse and sat clown, and the choir rose and sang, " It is time to awake from sleep." In the reign of George II., the see of York falling vacant, and his Majesty being at a loss for a fit person to appoint to the exalted office, asked the opinion of the Rev. Dr Mountain, who had raised himself, by his remarkably facetious temper, from being the son of a beggar to the see of Durham. The doctor wittOy replied, "Hadst thou faith as a grain of mustard-seed, thou wouldst say to this Mountain " (at the same time laying his hand'on his breast), " 'Be removed, and be cast into the sea (see).'" The king laughed heartily, and forthwith conferred the prefer- ment on the facetious doctor. [11] A parish minister once took occasion, in the pulpit, to describe 30 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF DOUBLE MEANINGS contin ued. the devotional and solemn effect of the organ in public worship, and to solicit a contribution from the congregation to procure one. On coming out of church a gentleman observed to a friend, " I will give nothing towards the organ. I mean to present the table of commandments." "I advise you," replied the friend, "to keep the commandments, and give something else to the church." The Bishop of Oxford having sent round to the churchwardens in his diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was : " Does your officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversa- tion and carriage consistent therewith ? " the churchwarden of Wallingford replied : " He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage." [11] An Appropriate Description. Theodore Hook said to some man with whom a bibliopolist dined the other day, and got extremely drunk, " Why, you appear to me to have emptied your m'/ie- cellar into your book- seller." [33] A Greater Reform than " The Reformation. " Judge Burnet, son of the famous bishop of Salisbury, when young is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by his father in a very serious humour, " What is the matter with you, Tom?" says the bishop; ''what are you ruminating on ? " " A greater work than your lordship's ' History of the Reforma- tion,' " answered the son. " Ay ! what is that ? " asked the father. " The reformation of myself, my lord," replied the son. Gladstone as a Boy or, " Coming Round to Willie's Opinion." John Gladstone, the father of the ex-premier of Great Britain, trained his children to give a reason for "every opinion they offered. It was in this way that William E. Gladstone was early trained to debate. On one occasion, William and his sister Mary disputed as to where a certain picture ought to be hung. An old Scotch servant came in with a ladder, and stood irresolute while the argument ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 31 progressed, but as Miss Mary would not yield, William gallantly ceased from speech, though unconvinced of course. The servant then hung up the picture where the young lady ordered, but when he had done this he crossed the room and hammered a nail into the opposite wall. He was asked why he did this. "Aweel, miss, that will do to hang the picture on when ye'll have come round to Master Willie's opeenion." The family generally did come round to William's opinion, for the resources of his tongue-fencing were wonderful, and his father, who admired a clever feint as much as a straight thrust, never failed to encourage him by saying, " Hear, hear ! Well said ! Well put, Willie ! " if the young debater bore himself well in the encounter. "Never Forget the Dear Ones." Never forget the dear ones, Buy always of the cheap ; u've a numerous family hich you're obliged to keep. If you Whi No, don't forget the dear ones^ When you a-shopping go ; Or you will soon discover Your purse is getting low. [1] "Blindness" Explained. This is another anecdote told of the late Rev. Robert Hall. When discussing one clay the necessity of church reform with a clergyman, who, after being educated by the Dissenters, obtained a conviction of the purity of the Established Church, and a lucrative living within her pale at the same time, Mr Hall illus- trated this kind of logical process in a way unsurpassed in the history of sarcasm. This gentleman's constant refuge, when hard driven by the arguments of Mr Hall, was, " I can't see it," " I don't see it," "I can't see that at all." At last Mr Hall took a letter from his pocket, and wrote on the back of it with his pencil in small letters the word " God." " Do you see that ? " " Yes." He then covered it with a piece of gold. " Do you see it now ? " " No." " I must wish you good morning, sir," said Hall ; and left him to his meditations. [11] A Heavy Charge. An able and learned judge is said to have been once obliged to deliver the following charge to a jury : " Gentlemen of the jury 32 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF in this case the counsel on both sides are unintelligible ; the wit- nesses are incredible ; and both the plaintiff and defendant are such bad characters, that to me it is indifferent which way you give your verdict." " Composition and Decomposition." One of Bishop Bloomfield's best bons mots was uttered during his last illness. He inquired what had been the subject of his two archdeacons' charges, and was told that one was ' ' On the Art of Making Ser- mons," and the other " On Churchyards." " Oh, I see," said the bishop " Composition and decomposition." Taking it Coolly. A man having published another as a liar, a scoundrel, and a poltroun, the latter complains that he does not spell poltroon correctly. "Seeing Double." When Black-Eyed &iisan was in rehearsal at the Surrey Theatre, an important person in his own estimation strutted upon the stage, and, speaking of Elliston, the bacchanalian manager, exclaimed in an angry voice, " How is this ? I can see a duke or a prime minister any time in the morning, but I can never see Mr Elliston." "There's one comfort," Douglas Jerrold replied, "if Elliston is invisible in the morning, he'll do the handsome thing any after- noon by seeing you twice, for at that time of day he invariably sees double." [25] Woman's Position in the Scale of Beauty. In the year 1880, happening to be in Birmingham during the period covered by the General Election of that year, I called on a jeweller in New Street, to show him some beautiful engravings. While in the act, Dr , a leading Tory, drove up and entered. The jeweller said to me, ' ' Here come's Dr , I will introduce you to him, and he will be pleased to see your engravings." Ac- cordingly he did so, saying : " You are fond of beautiful things, Doctor ; just look here." " Oh, yes, Mr D ," said the Doctor (who was a bachelor), looking at .Mrs D , who was present. " Yes, I'm fond of everything beautiful, from a lady upwards." ENGLISH WIT A XD HUMOUR. 33 " Pardon me, Doctor," said I, advancing ; " I am sure you meant to say, " ' From a lady downwards.'" "You are quite right," said the doctor, laughing heartily ; "of course I meant to say that. And now, will you kindly exchange cards with me ? " This was done, and we shook hands and parted. [20] Obliging the Judges. A barrister was met by a friend the other day in the street' laden with a lot of law-books. Pointing at the books, his friend said, "Why, I thought you carried all that stuff in your head ! " " I do," quickly replied the lawyer with a knowing wink ; " these are for the judges." Catching Himself Out. A good story is told of an ostler, who was sent to the stable to bring forth a traveller's horse. Not knowing which of the two strange horses in the stall belonged to the traveller, and wishing to avoid the appearance of ignorance in his business, he saddled both animals and brought them to the door. The traveller pointed out his own horse, saying, "That's my nag." " Certainly, your honour, I know that very well ; but I didn't know which was the other gentleman's." Truth and Patience. Douglas Jerrold's mot about truth, was that " In this world truth can wait ; she's used to it. " Why the Drunkard Couldn't Get In. The exquisite confusion of Douglas Jerrold's tipsy gentleman, who. after scraping the door for an hour with his latch-key, leans back, and exclaims: "By Jove! some scoundrel has stolen stolen the keyhole ! " comes as near farce as any of his illustra- tions. Accommodating His Auditor. On one saying to another, "You speak foolishly," the latter answered, " It is that you may understand me." Puritan Wit. While the Bill against Occasional Conformity was still under discussion, the following characteristic incident occurred. As B 34 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF John Howe (some time chaplain to Oliver Cromwell) was one day walking in St James's Park, a noble lord, to whom he was well known, sent his footman to say that he desired to speak with him. He then entered into conversation about the obnoxious "Bill," which he assured Howe "he had opposed to the ut- most." Gradually getting warm upon the subject, he so far forgot his company as to say, "Damn those wretches ! for they are mad, and will bring us all into confusion." Howe calmly replied, " My lord, 'tis a great satisfaction to us, who in all affairs of this nature desire to look upwards, that there is a God who governs the world, to whom we can leave the issues and events of things ; and we are satisfied, and may therefore be easy, that He will not fail in due time of making a suit- able retribution to all according to their present carriage. And this great Ruler of the world, my lord, has among other things also declared, He will ma 1 e a difference between him that sweareth, and him that feareth an oath." His lordship was struck with Howe's reply, and after a pause said, " Sir, I thank you for your freedom ; I understand your meaning. I shall endeavour to make a good use of it." Howe adroitly an- swered, " My lord, I have a great deal more reason to thank your lordship, for saving me the most difficult part of a discourse, which is the application." [18] On another occasion, when dining' in company with persons of great respectability, a gentleman at table thought proper to ex- patiate at great length on the merits of Charles I. Howe, observ- ing that he frequently indulged in the most fearful oaths, quietly remarked, "That in his enumeration of the excellences of the Prince he had undertaken to panegyrize, he had totally omitted one, which had been universally ascribed to him." The gentleman was delighted to find Mr Howe a witness in favour of the Prince he so much praised, and was quite impatient to know what was the excellence which had escaped him. Howe suffered him to press for the information some time, and then told him, that " Charles was never known to swear an oath in his common conversation." It is pleasing to add, that the gentleman bore the reproof well, and promised to abandon the habit for the future. [18] At another time, as he was walking along the street, he came up to two persons of rank, who were engaged in a very angry dispute ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 35 with one another. As he passed them he heard them "damn" each other in a most awful manner. On this, Howe taking off his hat, and bowing to them with great courtesy, said, "I pray God save you both." They were so struck with this salutation, that they forgot their anger, and joined in thanking him. [18] Putting on the "Finishing Touch." Returning to London once, Douglas Jerrold was recognised in the railway carriage by a gentleman who wished seeing the enthusiasm with which Jerrold pointed to the beauties of the landscape to ingratiate himself by the assumption of an equal enthusiasm. But the counterfeit was plain and revolting. "I take a book," said the stranger, "retire into some unfre- quented field, lie down, gaze on God's heaven, then study. If there are animals in the field so much the better ; the cow approaches, and looks down at me and I look up at her. " " With a filial smile ? " asked the stranger's annoyed listener. [25] She Left Nothing Behind. " Is all my luggage in the van ? " " Yes, madam. :> " Have I left nothing behind ? " " No, madam ; not even a copper." Slow and Sure. Sydney Smith himself tells a good story in illustration of the deficiency of a sense of fun. He had been treating the company at dinner to one of his best things, and observed all the table, as usual, in a roar, except one phlegmatic gentleman, who showed no symptom of a smile. Some time after the ladies had retired from dessert, this gentleman broke out into a tremendous laugh, and said : "Oh, I see, Mr Smith, you meant that" referring to bis remark during dinner "for a joke, didn't you?" "Well, sir, I rather think I did." It had just penetrated the inappre- ciative strata of his brain. [3] Amusing Tithe Story. A Quaker barber being sued by the clergyman of the village for tithes, went to him and asked why he troubled him, as he never had any dealing with him in his whole life. " Why," said the parson, "it is for tithes." B2 36 EVERYBODTS BOOK OF " For tithes ! " replied the Quaker, " upon what account ? " " Why, for preaching in the church." " Oh, then," replied the Quaker, " I have nothing to pay thee ; for I come not there." " Oh, but you might," objected the clergyman, "for the doors are always open at convenient times." The Quaker immediately entered his action against the reverend for forty shillings. The parson inquired for what he owned the money ? "Truly, friend," replied the Quaker, "for trimming." " For trimming ! why I was never trimmed by you in my life." "Oh," was the reply, "but thou mightst have come and been trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my doors are always open at convenient times as well as thine." [11] Wordsworth's Prettiest Production. Hartley Coleridge once being asked which of Wordsworth's pro- ductions he considered the prettiest, promptly replied, " His daughter Dora." Lawyer and Clients Known at a Glance. Lord Richardson, riding abroad in his coach to take air, and passing by a carman whose horses were of unequal fatness, called out, " Sirrah, sirrah, resolve me one question : Why is your foremost horse so lusty and pampered, and the rest such lean jades ? " The carman, not knowing the judge, but deeming him a lawyer, from his habit, answered, "Why, the reason is plain enough ; my fore horse is the counsellor, and all the rest his clients." The First Person Singular. A supper of sheep's heads was proposed, and presently served. One gentleman present was particularly enthusiastic on the excellence of the dish, and as he threw down his knife and fork, exclaimed, " Well, sheep's heads for ever ! say I." Douglas Jerrold, who was present, at once remarked : " There's egoism." [25] Fishing for a Compliment, and Getting It. A young man having preached for his bishop, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labour of love. The bishop, however, ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 37 did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. " I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the length of my sermon to-day ? " " No sir, not at all ; nor by the depth either ! " Once Quite Enough. " Did you ever," said one preacher to another, " stand at the door after your sermon, and listen to what people said about it as they passed out ? " Replied he : "I did once " a pause and a sisrb " but 111 never do it again." Cutting His Comb. The proud Duke of Somerset employed Seymour the painter to make some portraits of his running horses. One day, at dinner, he drank to him with a sneer : " Cousin Seymour, your health." The painter replied, " I really do believe that I have the honour to be of your grace's family. " The Duke, offended, rose from the table, and sent his steward to pay Seymour and dismiss him. Another painter of horses was sent for, who, finding himself unworthy to finish Seymour's work, honestly told the Duke so. On this the haughty peer condescended once more to summon his cousin. Seymour answered his mandate in these words: "My lord, 1 sliall now prove that I am of your grace's family, for I will not come." An Important Pre-Nuptial Question. Sheridan took his son one day to itasi upon his celibacy, and strongly urged that he should take a wife. " Very well, father," answered Tom, " whose wife shall I take?"" A Serton in Trouble. A visitor strolled into a fashionable church just before the service began. The sexton followed him up, and tapping him on the shoulder, and pointing to a small cur that had followed him into the sacred edifice, said, " Dogs are not admitted." 38 EVERYBODY S BOOK OF " That's not my dog," said the visitor. " But he follows you." "Well, so do you." The sexton growled, and removed the dog with unnecessary violence. One Way of Recognising a Gentleman. Hospitable Host : " Does any gentleman say pudden ? " Precise Guest : " No, sir. No gentleman says ' pudden.' " A Curious Account. Douglas Jerrold's veterinary surgeon at Putney a great character was a favourite subject with him. His bill, especially, was preserved as a most laugbable curiosity, one of the items being put thus (referring to a sick horse) : " His nose was warm, his ears was cold, and \ everything gave signs of approaching > 5s. Od." desolation. ) [25] An Organ-Grinder's Earnings. " What do you make a week ? " said a magistrate to an Italian organ-grinder who charged a man with breaking his instrument the other day. " Vour pound, sare." " Eh, what ? Four pounds for grinding an organ ? " No, sare ; not for grind vor shut up and go away ! " Playful Thoughts on Marriage. A REASON AGAINST MARRIAGE. A celebrated wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. "I know no reason," replied he, "except the great regard we have for each other." MARRIAGE DEFINED : The gate through which the happy lover leaves his enchanted regions and returns to earth. "Did you ever," says Sydney Smith, "hear my definition of marriage ? It is, that it resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated ; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them." [2] A clergyman, while engaged in catechising a number of boys, asked one of' them ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 39 for a definition of matrimony. The reply was, ' ' A place of punish- ment, where some folks suffer for a long time before they can go to Heaven." A POSER. A Roman prelate once asked an old woman how many sacraments there were ? to which she observed that there were but two. " But," said the bishop, " there is marriage ; what prevents you regarding so holy, delightful and happy a state as one of the sacraments ? " " Ah ! sir," replied the old woman, " if it is so very good, what is the reason you have never partaken of it ? " Wrecked on the Coral Reefs. In one of Douglas Jerrold's plays, an old sailor trying to snatch a kiss from a pretty girl as old sailors will received a box on the ear. " There," exclaimed Blue-jacket, "like my luck; always wrecked on the coral reefs." The manager, when the play was read in the green-room, could not see the fun, and the author struck it out. [25] A Convincing Rejoinder. A celebrated man not long since received a just rebuke. A lecturer stated that the aforesaid knew how to make a most ex- cellent cup of coffee. A country parson wrote to him asking for the recipe. His request was granted, but at the bottom of the letter was the following manifestation of stupendous conceit : " I hope that this is a genuine request, and not a surreptitious mode of securing my autograph." To this the parson replied : ' ' Accept my thanks for the recipe for making coffee. I wrote in good faith, and, in order to con- vince you of that fact, allow me to return what it is obvious you infinitely prize, but which is of no value to me your auto- graph." Lengthening His Days. The witty Sheridan was once taken ill in consequence of a fort- night's continued dining out and dissipation. He sent for a cele- brated doctor, who prescribed rigid abstinence, and calling again soon afterwards asked his patient if he was attending to that advice. { The answer being in the affirmative, " Right," said the doctor, " 'tis the only way to secure you length of days." 40 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF "I do not doubt it," said Sheridan, " for these last three days since I began have been the longest to me in my life." Learning the Truth about Himself. Dr Digby, going round to the mews, finds his new coachman's children playing about, and introduces himself : " Well, my little man, and do you know who I am ? " "Yes," said the boy; "you're the man as rides in father's carriage." A New " Line " for Publishers. An old lady went into a Brighton bookstore the other day with an order which was rather difficult to fill. She said to the clerk at the counter : " Do you keep Bibles ? " "Yes, ma'am." "Well, I want a small pocket- Bible in very large print." Kemble and the Crying Child. The following story is related in Tom Moore's "Diary" about John Kemble. He was performing one of his favourite parts, at some country theatre, and was interrupted from time to time by the crying of a child in the gallery, until at length, angered by this rival performance, Kemble walked with solemn steps to the front of the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tones, said : "Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is stopped, the child cannot possibly go on. " Perpetual Wits Perpetual Thieves. A friend of Dr Johnson, in conversation with him, was lament- ing the disagreeable situation in which those persons stood who were eminent for their witticisms, as they were perpetually ex- pected to be saying good things that it was a heavy tax on them. "It is, indeed," said Johnson, "a very heavy tax on them a tax which no man can pay who does not steal." Doctor and Patient, and Vice Versa. A French doctor had just been operating upon Douglas Jerrold. The patient had winced a little, and the operator had said, "Tut ! tut ! It's nothing nothing at all ! " Presently some hot water was brought in. The doctor put his fingers in it, and sharply withdrew them, with an oatk The ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 41 patient, who was now lying, faint, upon the sofa, said, " Tut ! tut ! It's nothing nothing at aU ! " [25] A Sense of Unworthiness. A gardener's boy having gone to sleep under the shade of some fruit trees, "Wretched fellow," cried his master, as he awoke him; "are you not ashamed to sleep instead of working? Go along with you, you vagabond, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you." " That is why I went into the shade," replied the boy. A New Trinity. A gentleman who had been led by curiosity to visit the Posi- tivist Church in London, where the doctrine of Humanity was preached to a select few, being asked what he had found there, replied, "Three persons and no God." Something to Show His Friends. An editor received a letter from a vain and tiresome con- tributor, asking for an opinion on the work he had recently sent in. " I want your opinion," said the contributor, "written in your own hand, so that I can show it to my friends, and socially, I think it will greatly help me. I see that you sometimes write poetry, and it would please me much better if you would write it out in rhyme. You may make it funny if you want to." The editor sent him the following : " Try to be pleasant, and your writings are flat, Try to be funny, and they are worse than that ; Try to be wise, and you're simply a fool Try to be honest, and you're only a tool And it seems that there'# no use in trying it more, For you only succeed, sir, in being a bore." How the Widow Deceived Her Husband's Relatives and Herself. A somewhat amusing incident is told of a woman whose hus- band, a wealthy man, died suddenly without making a will. The widow, desirous of securing the whole of the property, concealed her husband's death, and persuaded a poor shoemaker to take his place while a will could be made. Accordingly he was closely muffled in bed, as if very sick, and a lawyer was called in to write 42 E VER YBOD Y S BOOK OF the will. The shoemaker, in a feeble voice, bequeathed half of the property to the widow. "What shall be done with the remainder?" asked the lawyer. "The remainder," replied he, "I give and bequeath to the poor little shoemaker across the street, who has always been a good neighbour and a deserving man," thus securing a rich be- quest to himself. The widow was thunderstruck with the man's audacious cun- ning, but did not dare to expose the fraud ; and so the two rogues shared the estate. Willing to Wait. A gentleman who introduced his brother to Dr Johnson, was earnest to recommend him to the doctor's notice, which he did by saying, "When we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother grow very entertaining." " Sir," said Johnson, " I can wait." Less and Less. A chimney-sweep's boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf, and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of dough, "you will have the less to carry." "True," replied the lad, and throwing three-halfpence on the counter, left the shop. The baker called after him that he had not left money enough. " Never mind that," said young sooty, "you will have the less to count." The Limit of Debate. Dr Johnson having argued for some time with a very perti- nacious gentleman, his opponent, who had talked in a very puzz- ling manner, happened to say, "I don't understand you, sir;" upon which Johnson observed, ' ' Sir, I have found you an argu- ment, but I am not obliged to find you an understanding." A Fool's Knowledge and Ignorance. John was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and the miller said, ' ' John, some people say you are a fool ! Now, tell me what you do know, and what you don't know." ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 43 " Well," replied John, " I know millers' hogs are fat ! " " Yes, that's well, John ! Now, what don't you know ?" ' I don't know ichose com fats 'em ! " An Improved Accidental. [SCENE : A chapel where the hymns used to be given out (and sung) line by line.] Minister (the pulpit candles not having been lighted) log. : "My eyes are dim, I cannot see." Congregation (singing) : " My eyes are dim, I cannot see ;" Minister : " I speak of mine infirmity ! " Congregation (singing) : " I speak of mine infirmity ; " Minister : " I ONLY SAID, ' MY EYES ARE DIM ! ' " Congregation (singing) : " I only said, ' My eyes are dim : ' " Minister : " I DID NOT MEAN TO SING A HYMN ! " Congregation (singing) : " I did not mean to sing a hymn." A New Rhyme to an Old Line. "Who shall decide when Doctors disagree ? " Punch, who decides that neither shall have fee. [1] Every Little Helps. A friend drops in, and walks across the smoking-room to Douglas Jerrold's chair. The friend wants to enlist Mr Jerrold's sympathies in behalf of a mutual acquaintance who is in want of a round sum of money. But this mutual friend has already sent his hat about among his literary brethren on more than one occasion. Mr 's was becoming an institution, and friends were grieved at the indelicacy of the proceeding. On the occasion to which I now refer, the bearer of the hat was received by Jerrold with evident dissatisfaction. "Well," said Douglas Jerrold, " how much does want this time ? " " Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight " the bearer of the hat replied. Jerrold : " Well, put me down for one of the noughts." [25] Notice of Non-responsibility for a Wife. Julia, my wife, has grown quite rude, She has left me in a lonesome mood ; She has left my board, She has took my bed, 44 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF She has gave away my meat and bread ; She has left me in spite of friends and Church, She has carried with her all my shirts. Now you who read this paper, Since'she cut this reckless caper, I will not pay one single fraction For any debts of her contraction. " A Consistent Preacher. An amusing commentary on his text was afforded one Sunday evening by the curate of a parish which lies between Barnsley and Sheffield, but which it would hardly be fair to indicate further. The reverend gentleman had been preaching from the words, " He that followeth me shall not walk in darkness." Unfortun- ately, it was a very dark night ; and, on the way home, the curate fell into a hole by the wayside where the road was being repaired, and seriously injured his ankle. The accident made the authorities wake up, however, and, during the progress of the repairs, a fire has been kept up burning after that night, and given light to all benighted travellers at that particular part of the road ; and thus it came to pass that the words of the curate's test had a literal fulfilment, for certainly, whatever he may have done himself, those who followed him in the way he took that night have not had to walk in darkness. [36] A Little Previous. The Leeds Express records that Mr Herbert Gladstone was addressing a Woman's Suffrage meeting at Leeds one afternoon, and passed a compliment upon the eloquence possessed by the fair sex, and the pleasure it gave the masculine portion of creation to listen to them. And then a male voice issued from the background with, " Wait a bit, lad ; tha'rt noan wed yet ! " [17] Proving His Words Rather Unexpecteoly. A would-be wit once said, speaking of the fair sex : " Ah, its woman's mission to make fools of men." "And how vexed we are," said a bright-eyed feminine present, '"'to find that nature has so often forestalled us." An Equitable Exchange. Mrs Jerrold perfectly understood her husband, and they were very cordial in their relations with each other, though he often made her the butt for his jokes. He once told her that he thought ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 45 a man might be allowed to treat his wife like a bank-note after she had turned forty, and change her into two twenties ! [16] Royal Art Critics. Mr Cooper, R.A., was once down at Osborne, painting some cattle before the Queen and her Consort. The artist had been defending the presence of some dock-leaves in the foreground of his composition : "Well," said the Prince, jocosely, "they are beautifully painted, and doubtless assist the composition, but they do not give evidence of good farming." Her Majesty smiled ap- preciatively, and, shaking her finger at the Prince, said: "How about the little pool of water in which the heifer's hind-legs are standing ? " " Oh," said His Royal Highness, laughing, " I think it is a beautiful artistic idea, and gives a stamp of nature to the scene." "Yes, Albert," said the Queen, "and I like its introduc- tion much, but it is not evidence of good draining." Upon this they both laughed heartily. [16] An Explicit and Exact Witness. If one is asked to be literal, he can scarcely be too conscien- tiously so, especially in a court of law. " Xow, you must give explicit and exact answers. You said you drove a milk-cart, didn't you ? " "No, sir, I didn't." " Don't you drive a milk-cart ? " "Xo,.sir." " Ah, then, what do you do, sir ? " "I drive a hoss." Hope's Triumph Over Experience. Lord Eldon dining with the late Duke of York, commander-in- chief, there was a large party of military men at table. Amongst other distinguished guests was Greenwood, the great army agent, of whom the Duke himself, as well as half the army, perhaps, had borrowed money in their time. After the wine had been going round the table, a young officer rose and begged his royal highness's permission to propose a toast. This request being graciously granted, the proposer went on to say, much to the amusement of his interested brother officers especially, "Then, your royal highness, I beg to give the health of a gentleman now 46 E J 'ER YBOI) Y'S BOOK OF present a genilemo.n to whom we are all much indebted to whom we are likely long to owe much and whom, indeed, we can never hope to repay ! " The toast was drunk amidst rapturous applause, in which the good-humoured prince most cordially joined. A Double-Barrelled Answer. " Did you, or did you not speak of me, sir, the other night ? " said a peremptory gentleman to a fellow collegian, afterwards an eminent statesman. " I did or did not speak of you," was the prompt answer. Pitt's Effort of Memory. Mr Pitt, speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one, in which we lost the colonies, called it "the last war," Several members cried out: "The last but one;" He took no notice ; and, soon after, repeating the mistake, was inter- rupted by a general cry of "The last war but one ! The last war but one!" "I mean, sir," said Pitt, turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish to remember." The cry of inter- ruption was instantly changed into universal cheering long and loud. Exceptions from "Tne Fall." The late Bishop of Chichester states that at the annual examina- tion of the Charity Schools around the city of Chichester, he was seated in the front row of the school-room, together with his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, when the Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put several questions. To one boy he said, "We have all sinned, and come short of the glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that every one of us has sinned ? " The boy hesitated but, upon a repetition of the question, re- plied, " Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting on the front form." A Bishop Surprised. The same Bishop, at one of his confirmations, saw a school-girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome ; he therefore held up his finger as a warning. These children being accustomed to signs from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare the ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 47 meaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger was an exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens ; they therefore all rose together, and from the middle of the church exclaimed in an exulting tone, "Perpendicular!" to the astonishment and consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear, of not a few of the congregation. A Proof that Adam and Eve were English. When Eve brought woe to all mankind, Old Adam called her ?roe-man ; But when she woo'd with love so kind, He then pronounced it ?poo-man. But now with folly and with pride, Their husband's pockets brimming, The ladies are so full of ickims, That people call them ?rfo' A Rejected Lover's Rebuke. The following lines were sent by Dr Watts to a lady to whom he wished to pay his addresses, upon her saying that she would have no such ill-shaped fellow as he was : "Tis true my shape is somewhat odd, But blaming me is blaming God ; For, had I spoke myself to birth, I'd please the prettiest lass on earth ; And, could I form myself anew, I would not fail of pleasing you. Your charms have long been dear to fame, And half the country boasts your name ; But who that dimpling chin supplied, And lent your cheeks their rosy pride, With hair of jet your temples graced, And with a slender shape your waist ? Thyself, had'st thou thus beauteous made, To thee the praise were duly paid ; But since the Power that fashioned thee, With the same hand created me, Wlio might have touched my frame like thine, And left thee one deformed as mine, For what thou art, that Power adore, And sneer at my odd shape no more ! 48 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF Those eyes that dart destructive rays, E'en let them sparkle to His praise ; Thy breast, the seat of love and snow, Teach it His praise to pant and glow ! Then heaven inspire thy yielding voice To one that's better worth thy choice. And if the rest my suit disdain, The thought shall never give me pain ; But, that I tempt no greater curse, Heaven I'll adore I'm made no worse. A Highwayman who Failed in Business. Tom Sheridan was his father's own son. While at Cambridge, he was pronounced to be the cleverest fellow in the place as in point of wit and fun he very probably was. His father once said to him, " Tom, you have genius enough to get a dinner every day in the week at the first tables in London and that's something ; but that's all, you can go no further." They thoroughly understood each other. The son was equally complimentary to the father, as many oft-repeated anecdotes can testify. On one occasion Tom complained over the bottle to him that his pockets were empty. " Try the highway ! " was the father's answer. "I have," said Tom, "but I made a bad hit; I stopped a caravan full of passengers, who assured me they had not a farthing, for they belonged to Drury-lane Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary." [Tom's father was lessee of the theatre at the time.] Temptation to Suicide. Dr Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their times. At a dinner on one occasion, Dr Parr, in ecstasies with the conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his junior, "My lord, I mean to write your epitaph ! " " Dr Parr," replied the noble lawyer, " your promise is a temp- tation to commit suicide ! " Rebuking a Preacher and Repenting. In the later days of his life the Rev. Rowland Hill used to come to his chapel in a carriage. He got an anonymous letter rebuking him for this, because it was not the way his Heavenly Master ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 49 travelled. He read the letter from the pulpit, and said it was quite true, and that if the writer would come to the vestry with a saddle and bridle he would ride him home. A "Bull" in a Pulpit. " Remember, I beseech you," said a preacher, " that we are all sailing down the stream of time, and must inevitably land, at last, in the great ocean of eternity." Forced by His Own Wit to Compound. As Quin and Foote one day walked out To view the country round, In merry mood they chatting stood, Hard by the village pound. Foote from his poke a shilling took, And said, " I'll bet a penny, In a short space, within this place, I'll make this piece a guinea." Upon the ground, within the pound, The shilling soon was thrown ; "Behold," said Foote, " the thing's made out, For there is one pound one." "I wonder not," says Quin, "that thought Should in your heac be found, Since that's the way your debts you pay One shilling in the pound." An Effective Peroration. Sheridan was one day much annoyed by a fellow member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, " Hear ! hear ! " During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where." exclaimed he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. David and Parnell A Contrast. During a debate of the Hardwicke Debating Society in the Temple, while the retirement of Mr Parnell was still undecided by the Irish Party, a speaker was contrasting Mr Parn ell's offence 50 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF with that of David by way of answering the question why David did not retire from public life. After pointing out the obvious differences between the two men the repentance of David, etc. , he ended up thus : " And then, Sir, there is this last and most important difference of all : David wrote a psalm, and Mr Parnell a manifesto ! " [16] The Only Reason Against ParnelTs Retirement. Among the many epigrams and witticisms on the Irish crisis which are flying about, one of the neatest was originated at the Hardwicke Debating Society by a speaker, who contended that Mr Parnell should retain his leadership. " For why," said this speaker, "should we ask Mr Parnell to retire into private life, when he has proved so conclusively that it is just in the sphere of private relations that this powerful politician does not know how to conduct himself ? " [16] Not " Home Rule," but " Home Ruin." "A group of working men were discussing Parnell in my hear- ing," writes Mr Howard Paul ; "said one, ' I looked on Paruell as the champion of Home Rule, but this O'Shea business suggests that he is even better at Home Piuin.' " [16] 'Opeless Helocution. It would appear from the following that at Kidderminster it is common, if not a local peculiarity, to use the letter H very un- ceremoniously either by denying it its proper functions, or by setting it to work in most uncongenial company : The Letter H Petitions the Inhabitants of Kidderminster : Whereas by you I have been driven From 'ouse, from 'ome,, fuom ope, from 'eaven, And placed by your most learn'd society, In Aexile, languish, and ^anxiety ; And charged, without one just pretence, With ^arrogance and /^impudence : T here demand full restitution, And beg you'll mend your elocution. Answer of the Inhabitants of K idderminster : Whereas we've rescued you, ingrate, From 'anger, 'avoc, and from 'ate ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 51 From 'orse-pond, 'anging, and from 'alter, And consecrated you in Aaltar ; And placed you where you'd never be, In honour and in Aonesty ; We think your talking an intrusion, And shall not mend our elocution. Kidderminster, Jan. 25, 1837. Quaker Wooing. " Martha, does thee love me ?*' asked a Quaker youth, of one at whose shrine this heart's fondest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," answered she, ''we are commanded to love one another, are we not ? " "Ay, Martha ; but does thee regard me with that feeling that the world calls love ? " " I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth : 1 have greatly feared that my heart was an erring one. I have tried to bestow my love on all ; but I may have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share." Surnames. Men once were surnamed for their shape or estate (You all may from history worm it), There was Louis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit ; But now, when the doer-plates of misters and dames Are read, each so constantly varies ; From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames Seem given by the rule of contraries. Mr Wise is a dunce, Mr King is a Whig, Mr Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, And huge Mr Little broke down in his gig While driving fat Mrs Golightly. At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, (A conduct well worthy of Nero), Over poor Mr Lightfoot, confined with the gout, Mr Heavyside danced a bolero. Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr Love, Found nothing but sorrow await her ; She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, That fondest of mates, Mr Hayter. 52 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF Mr Oldcastle dwells in a modern -built hut, Miss Sage is of mad -caps the archest : Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut. Old Mr Youngh us band's the starchest. Mr Child, in a passion, knocked down Mr Rock, Mr Stone like an aspen- leaf shivers ; Miss Pool used to dance, but she stands like a stock Ever since she became Mrs Rivers. Mr Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, He moves as though cords had entwined him : Mr Metcalf ran off upon meeting a cow, With pale Mr Turnbull behind him. Mr Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, Mr Miles never moves on a journey ; Mr Gotobed sits up till half after three, Mr Makepeace was bred an attorney. Mr Gardener can't tell a flower from a root, Mr Wild with timidity draws back, Mr Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, Mr Foot all his journeys on horseback. Mr Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth, Consumed all the fortune his dad won ; Large Mr Le Fever's the picture of health ; Mr Goodenough is but a bad one ; Mr Cruikshank stepped into three thousand a year By showing his leg to an heiress : Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite x:lear, Surnames ever go by contraries. [37] A Clever Coachman. The late Lord Mansfield told the following anecdote about himself from the bench : He had turned off his coachman for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons. The tellow begged his lordship to give him a character. ' What kind of a character can J give you i ' said his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any character your lordship chooses to give me, L shall most thankfully receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows : "The bearer. JOHN , has served me three years in the ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 53 capacity of coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man. I discharged him because he cheated me. (Signed) MANSFIELD." John thanked his lordship, and walked off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he recognised his late coachman. "Why, John," said his lordship, "you seem to have got an excellent place ; how could you manage this with the character I gave you ? " "Oh, my lord," said John, "it was an exceedingly good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it. My new master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recom- mended me as an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' said he, ' are just the qualities I want in a coachman ; I observe his lordship adds that he discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' said he, ' I'm a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat me ! ' " Curious Coincidences. 'Tis curious to find in this overgrown town, While through its long streets we are dodging, That many a man is in trade settled down, Whose name don't agree u-ith his lodging ! ! ! For instance, Jack Munday in Friday-street dwells, Mr Pitt in .Fez-court is residing ; Mr White in Black' s-louil dings greengrocery sells, While East in West- square is abiding. Mr Lamb in Eed Lwn-street perks up his head, To Lamb's Conduit-street Lion goes courting ; Mr Boxer at Battle- bridge hires a bed, While Moon is in &im-street disporting'; Bill Broicn up to 6rree.-street to live now is gone, In Stanhope-mews, Dennett keeps horses Dr Low lives in High-street, Saint Mary-le-bone, In Brovm-street one Johnny White's door sees. But still much more curious it is, when the streets Accord with the names of the tenants ; And yet with such curious accordance one meets In taking a town-tour like Pennant's. For instance, in Crown -street, George King you may note, To Booth in May-fair you go shopping ; 54 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF And Porte/- of Brewer -sir eet rows in a boat To Waters of River -street. Wapping. Mr Sparrow in Bird-street has feathered his nest, Mr Archer in .B' EOOK OF boy had got up before him, and was playing on the side-walk. He told the child to go in. The child wouldn't, and the man spanked him, and went to business. The child went in howling. The mother said, : ' What's the matter? " "Man hit me," blubbered the youngster. "Whatman!" "That man that stays here Sundays." An Accommodating Exciseman. Early in the nineteenth century a countryman was stopped by a revenue-officer, who took from him two casks of spirits, and, carrying the same to the next town a distance of fifteen miles was desired by the countryman to stop and leave it at the first public-house. The officer replied : "No; I have seized it, and it must go to the excise office." "Not so, master," said the countryman ; " I have a little bit of paper here, which, if you'll take the trouble of reading, will convince you I am ri.^ht." The officer, reading his bit of paper, exclaimed: " Why, you rogue, this is a permit. Why did you not show me this sooner ? " " Because," said he, " if I had, you would not have carried the liquor so far for me. " "Without Knowledge or Understanding." "Doctor," said a person once to a surgeon, "my daughter has had a terrible fit this morning ; she continued full half-an-hour without knowledge or understanding. " "Oh," replied the doctor, "never mind f1 mt, many people continue so all their lives. " The Gallant Butcher. In a country market, a lad}-, laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, " I think, Mr , this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on your glove, madam," replied the dealer, : 'and you will think differently." The veal was ordered home without another word of objection. Not " For Ever ! " When Mr Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment sister, an of a new ENGLISH WIT AXD HUMOUR. 99 gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother on which she was saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce for ever f" when she pleasantly observed, " I thank you, gentle- men ; but I cannot agree with you for, really, I do not wish to be J//A-.S- Wilberforce for ever!" Lamb and Coleridge. "Charles," said Coleridge one day to Lamb, "did you ever hear me preach { " " I never heard you do anything else," said Lamb. Necessary Evils. A gentleman was in the habit of calling his servants, before their faces, "Necessary evils." He quarrelled with one of them, who left him in a rage, said he was sick of service, and vowed that he would never enter it again. A few days after, his old master, meeting him in livery, said, " Poh ! you are gone into service after all ! " "Ah, sir, I have found that masters are necessary evils." Not Deaf Enough to go to Concerts. Lord North, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of Win- chester, did. " Ay," replied his lordship, " if I were as deaf as my brother, I would subscribe too. " One Thankful the other Glad. When Dr Johnson had completed his Dictionary, which had quite exhausted the patience of Mr Andrew Miller, his bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the follow- ing note : "Andrew Miller sends his compliments to Mr Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him." To this rude note the Doctor returned the following smart answer : " Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr Andrew Miller, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Miller has the grace to thank God for anything." Silencing a Scoffer. Mr Rees. a well-known preacher, was once accosted by a would-be wag, and questioned as follows: "Do you belie ve*th Bible what it says about the prodigal son and the fatted calf ? " "Certainly I do " D2 100 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF " Well, can you tell me whether the calf that was killed was a male or female calf ? " " Yes, it was a female calf." " How do you know that ? " " Because," said Rees, looking the man in the face, " I see the male is alive now." A Well-timed "Grace." Dr Pease, Dean of Ely, was once at dinner, when just as the cloth was removed, the subject of discourse happened to be that of extraordinary mortality among lawyers. "We have lost," said a gentleman, "not less than six eminent barristers in as many months." The Dean, who was very deaf, rose as bis friend finished his remarks, and gave the company grace : ' For this, and every other mercy, make us truly thankful." Proclaiming his Ignorance. Judge " Your Christian name and surname ? " Prisoner (taken up for vagrancy] " Ah, anybody can see you are new to the place. All your predecessors know me well enough." Burning his Idol. An eminent divine was both a great wag and a great smoker. " Ha, there you are," cried a lady, who surprised him one day with a pipe in his mouth, ' ' at your idol again ! " "Yes, madam," replied he, coolly, "burning it." A Clever Juror. A juror having applied to the judge to be excused from serving on account of deafness, the judge said : " Could you hear my charge to the jury, sir ? " " Yes, I heard your honour's charge," said the juror ; "but I couldn't make any sense out of it." He was excused Granting his Request. " Who's tnere { " said Jenkins, one cold winter night, disturbed in his repose by some one knocking at the street door. "A friend," was the answer. " What do you want ? " " Want to stay here all night.' EXGLISH 1 Vi T A XD H UMO UR. 101 "Queer taste, ain't it ? But stay there by all means," was the benevolent answer. Lamb and Mince " Sauce." Charles Lamb remarked of one of his critics: " The more I think of him, the less I think of him." A Dead Letter. A good story is told answering the late Rev. W. Barnes, the Dorsetshire poet, which will interest spelling reformers. One day he went into a village school where a little boy and girl were sitting together. The girl was crying, and when he asked the reason, she said that Johnny had had the word ' ' psalm " to write in his copy-book, "and," she said, with a fresh burst of tears, ' ' he ha' scope out the ' p ' with his elbow ! " Then Johnny fired up, and said : " What if 'l did scope of en out ? He didn't spell naught, and what was the good of en ? " The Dean and the Lunatic. Dean Stanley had great respect for presence of mind, and used with great delight to tell a story of presence of mind by which he had liberated himself from a dangerous visitor. Since he was willing to see almost any one who asked for him, he once told his servant to usher into his study a gentleman who had called, and who happened to bear a name which was familiar to him. When the gentleman appeared, he proved to be an entire stranger. It was evident there had been some mistake. This became still more evident, when, advancing with an air of great excitement, the gentleman exclaimed : ' ' Sir, I have a message to the Queen from the Most High. I beg that you will deliver it instantly. " "In that case," said the dean, taking up his hat, "there is not a moment to be lost. Let us go at once." They went downstairs into the hall, and, opening the door, the dean requested his visitor to step out. No sooner had he done so than the dean shut the door behind the lunatic. A Cutting Answer. A well-known clergyman was busily searching in the Minster Library, at York, on one occasion, when two young officers of the garrison lounged in. Mistaking him for the verger, they said, " Well, old man, what have you got to show us ? " 102 E \ 'ER YBOD Y : ,b' BOOK OF " Sir," replied the clergyman, " to gentlemen we show the library ; to others, the door." Quoting the Fathers. The first Protestant Duke of Norfolk, carrying the sword of State before James II. to his chapel, stopped at the door, and would go no further. The king said, ' ' Your father would have gone farther ; " to which the Duke answered, " Your father would not have gone so far." Curious Letter sent by a Quaker to his Watchmaker. I send thee, once more, my erroneous watch, which wants thy speedy care and correction. Since the last time he was at thy school, I find by experience he is not benefited by thy instruc- tions. Thou demandest for thy labour the fifth part of a pound sterling, which thou shalt have, but let thy honest endeavours first earn it. I will board him with thee a little longer, and pay for his table if thou requires! it. Let thy whole endeavours and observations be upon him, for he has mightily deviated from the principles of truth. I am afraid he is foul in the inward man I mean his springs. Prove and try him well with the adjusting tools of truth, that, if possible, he may be drawn from the error of his ways. By the index of his tongue he is a liar, and the motion of his body is ever variable and uncertain. I presume his body is foul, as I before observed, therefore brush him well with thy cleansing instruments from all pollutions, that he may vibrate "with regu- larity and truth ; admonish him friendly with patience, and be not too hasty and rash in thy correction, lest, by endeavouring :o reduce him from one error, thou shouldst fling him headlong into another ; for as he is young, and of a malleable temper, he may, with due correction, be brought into the path of truth. In fine, let him visi j often the motion of the sun, and regulate him by his table of equation, and when thou findest them agree, send him home with thy bill of moderation, to thy friend TOBIAS GOSWELL. Sticking at Nothing. Tom Burnet, son of Bishop Burnet, happened to be at dinner at the Lord Mayor's, in the latter part of Queen Anne's reign, when the Tories were for a short space triumphant. After two or three healths, "The Ministry" was toasted. Tom, unwilling to compromise his principles by drinking to a cabinet he could not ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 103 approve of, endeavoured to escape, by telling a story to a person ^ ho sat next him. This, however, would not do with the Lord Mayor, who, observing a full glass on the table, called out, ' ' Gentlemen, where sticks the Ministry ? " "At nothing," replied the Whig, and immediately drank off his glass. Homage to the Scottish Rifles. (By a spiteful competitor. ) It seems that the Scots Turn out much better shots At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are : But this we all knew That a Scotchman could do Make a small piece of metal go awfully far. [1] Sydney Smith and the Stout Widow. As an instance of the way in which Sydney Smith clung to a joke, and would not let it go until he had got all the fun out of it, we may quote his description of a voluminous widow, whom an ambitious young man was about to marry: "Going to marry her!" he exclaimed, bursting out laughing; "going to marry her ! Impossible, you mean a part of her. He could not marry her all himself. It would be a case, not of bigamy, but of tri- gamy. The neighbourhood or the magistrates should interfere. There is enough of her to furnish wives for the whole parish. One man marry her ! It is monstrous ! You might people a colony with her, or give an assembly with her, or perhaps take your morning walk round her always supposing there were frequent resting places, and you were in rude health. I once was rash enough to try walking round her myself, but only got halfway, and gave it up exhausted. Or you might read the Riot Act and disperse her ; in short, you might do anything with her but marry her." [2] A Novelty in the Way of a Loan. "I say, Jack," shouted a Smithfield drover the other day to his pal, "these sheep won't move in this weather, lend us a bark of your dog, will ye." The Human Side of Royalty. A Spanish ambassador one day entered rather unexpectedly into a room in which Henry IV. was discovered on all fours, with his little son upon his back. The king stopped, and looking 104 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF earnestly at the ambassador, said to him, " Pray, sir, have you any children ? " " Yes, sir, several." "Well, then, I shall complete my round,' 1 and he immediately set off on hands and knees again, till both boy and father were tired with the sport. The "Form" which gives the Rite Meaning. At a recent examination of girls in Cheshire for the rite of con- firmation, in answer to the question, " What is the outward and risible sign and form in baptism?" the reply was, "The baby, eir." A Forget-me-not. Douglav Terrold was walking with a party of literati in the country, and in the course of their walk they stopped to notice the gambols of a little donkey. A very sentimental poet present said he should like to send the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," replied Jcrrold, " and tie a piece of paper round its neck, with the motto, ' When this you see, remember me. ' " [4] The Treaty Explained. [The Treaty of Peace concluded after the C'rimean War met with very little favour.] " Papa, you came up to my bed, And Called me ' Little Sleepy-head,' About a month ago, And made me wake and hear the guns, Telling all London-town at once, That there was Peace, you know." My Angel Child, I did by thee That which my father did to me ; You fancied it unkind ; But no, my love, some day you'll tell Your children you remember well When this new Peace was signed. " It was quite kind of you to take The trouble, Pa, to make me wake, Upon that Sunday night ; EXGLIXU \V1TAXDIIUMOUR. 10$ But, Pa, I wish you'd teil me what To tell my children, that we got By all this dreadful fight ? " My darling, yes, I'm very glad That, like a prudent little lad, You ask such questions, dear. We've got a Treaty that is, mind, A Paper which great folks have signed, To put things straight and clear." " A Paper one that I can read ? " No, love, I think you'd not succeed, Although it's a translation. It's made in Chapters, thirty-four, With twenty Protocols, or more, Besides a Declaration. " But tell me, Pa, what it's about : Some one, you know, must make it out] Or nobody's the better." Well, dear, I'll try, if you'll attend The spirit you can comprehend, So never mind the letter. All what we've taken from the Czar, From the beginning of the War, We are to give him back ; Sebastopol, and six more towns, And the Crimean hills and downs, We must surrender, whack. All the strong forts he had before, Along the Black Sea's Asian shore, He is to have again, That he may bring his armies there, And make the brave Circassian bear His long-resisted chain. If he raise and take away The ships he sank, my dear, he may And to the Baltic steer 'em ; 106 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF To have them ready there at need. One of these days the Dane or Swede May find them much too near him. He's not to pay a single sou Of all the cost he's put us to, That forty millions blow him ; Nor give one single guarantee That what he promises shall be Performed and yet we know him. And we ourselves are so polite That we resign the ancient Right We held against the world. 'Twas the old Sea-king's gallant brag The homage paid by every flag, When England's 'flag unfurled. "But, Pa, you've only told me, yet, What these fine Russians are to Get , Tell me what they're to Do : I hoped our men, who fought so brave, Had punished them, and they'd behave Much better didn't you ? !> My love, that's what we're Thankful for, We've gained the Objects of the War, Hearing, from Russian lips, The Czar will let the Turks alone, Will not rebuild some forts of stone, Or build big Black Sea ships. And (years to come, though, I'm afraid) The Danube will be free for trade That's all the gain we reap. ' ' My own Papa, mine Honoured Sire, When those Park guns began to fire, You might have let me sleep." [1] Sydney Smith on the Education of Women. Sydney Smith wrote thug in the Edinburgh Review, on the then vexed question of Female Education : ' ' There is a very general notion that the moment you put the education of women upon a EXGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 10? better foundation than it is at present, at that moment there wilt be an end of all domestic economy ; and that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet. Can anything," he continues, in his own most characteristic style, ' ' be more perfectly absurd than to suppose that the care and per- petual solicitude which a mother feels for her children depends upon her ignorance of G reek and mathematics ; and that she would desert her infant for a quadratic equation ? " [2] Thankful for Small Mercies. An eccentric banker was eyeing with suspicious vision a bill presented to him for discounting, " You need not fear," said the palpitating customer, "one of the parties keeps his carriage." "Ay !" rejoined the banker, " I shall be glad if he keeps his feet." " Smoking " an Explanation. " I wish you would not smoke cigars," said a }'oung lady to her lover. " Why not smoke, as well as your chimney ? " "Because chimneys don't smoke when they are in good order." "At Home on Thursdays." An aristocratic lady, meeting a beggar all in rags, gave him her card, saying : "Here is my address. If you call any time you can have some of my husband's left-off clothes." A few day& after she saw the poor fellow again in the street. " Why did you not come as I told you ? " "Please, ma'am, this is Wednesday,, and on your card it says : ' At home on Thursdays. ' " From the Sublime to the Ridiculous. A good example at once of the limitation the frontier line, so to say, between beauty and wit and at the same time of the single step that separates the sublime and ridiculous, is where the surprise is made to result from a sudden change from the sublime to the ridiculous, as for instance in the following lines : THE GRAVEDIGGEB. " Old man, old man, for whom dig'st thou this grave ? " I asked as I walked along : For I saw in the heart of London streets, A dark and busy throng. 108 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF 'Twas a strange wild deed ; but a stranger wish Of the parted soul to lie 'Midst the troubled numbers of living men, Who would pass Mm idly by ! So I said : "Old man, for whom dig'st thou this grave, In the heart of London town ? " And the deep-toned voice of the digger replied : " We're a-laying a gas-pipe down." [3] Sydney Smith's Political Simile. The most formal shape into which fun can fall is perhaps the simile, and a better instance could not be adduced than Sydney Smith's metaphor of Mrs Partington and her mop, in his speech to the electors at Taunton, on the rejection of the Reform Bill by the Lords : " The attempt of the Lords to stop Reform reminds me very forcibly of the conduct of the excellent Mrs Partington in the great storm off Sidmouth. In the winter of 1824 there set in a great flood upon that town ; the waves rushed in upon the houses, and everything was threatened with destruction. In the midst of this sublime and terrible storm, Dame P. , who lived upon the beach, was seen at the door of her house in mop and pattens, trundling her mop, squeezing out the sea -water, and vigorously pushing away the Atlantic Ocean. The Atlantic was roused ; Mrs P.'s spirit was up ; but I need not tell you that the contest was unequal, The Atlantic beat Mrs Partington. She was excellent at a slop or a puddle ; but she should not have meddled with a tempest. Gentlemen, be at your ease, be quiet and steady. You will beat Mrs Partington. " [2] Sink-we Scento. ' ' After five years the Thames is to receive no sewage. " Sir B. Hall, 1855. In shorter time, kind sir, contrive To purify our drink ; For while your figure is a Five Our river is a Cinq. [1] "Too Many Cooks." A capital story was told the other day by a public speaker, illus- trating the old saying quoted above. The story is about what recently happened to a pair of trousers. The young man to whom ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 109 they belonged had purchased them for his wedding, but on the eve of that auspicious event he discovered that they were two inches too long. So he went downstairs to his mother and two sisters and informed them of the calamity. They were busy just sym- pathised with him vaguely, as people occupied are apt to do, but said no more. To all outward impression the affair had not disturbed them greatly. On the first spare moment, however, that the mother had, she went upstairs, cut two inches off the trousers,- hemmed them, and returned downstairs without being missed. Just as they were sitting down to supper the elder sister sud- denly remembered John's request, slipped away quietly, and went and removed another two inches, hemmed them as her mother had done, and returned to the party without mentioning what she had done. The party broke up, bedtime arrived, and now the younger flew impatiently to remove the difficulty in her brother's attire, and again the trousers were diminished *by two inches. So the story ends. What became of the bridegroom on the morrow, and Vh ether he appeared at church in his shortened garments, or wore another pair, is all left to the imagination. Definition of a Pilgrim. A good story is told of one of Her Majesty's inspectors of mid- England. Examining a school on one occasion, Mr K ; in- quired, " What is a pilgrim ? " After a pause a sturdy little imp boldly answered, " A pilgrim is a man, pie's sir." " A man ? " returned the inspector, severely. " That won't do. Tell me some more about a pilgrim." Another pause, broken by the examiner this time. " 7'm a man, you know," he said, rashly ; "am /a pilgrim?" Here followed no pause, but the prompt rejoinder : " Oh, no, sir ; a pilgrim's a good man, sir. " It was rather the bystanders, than the questioner or the ques- tioned, who did not know which way to look. A Collision Illustrated. One cf our school teachers was endeavouring to explain to a small boy in her class the meaning of the words " collision. " She said : " Suppose two boys running in the street should come to 110 E VER YBOD Y'S BOOK OF pfether bard, what would there be?" "A fight," responded the little fellow, loudly, and with astonishing promptness. The Golden Rule. (Improved from Watts and Gladstone.) Be you to others kind and true, As you'd have others be to you, And neither do nor say to men Whate'er you would not like again ; But ff men do and say to you That which is neither kind nor true, Take a good stick, and say to men, "Don't say or do that same again." [1] Sydney Smith on the Breaching of the Clergy. Apropos of sermons, to wit, Sydney Smith said : "The English, generally remarkable for doing very good things in a very bad man- ner, seem to have reserved the maturity and plenitude of their awk- wardness for the pulpit. A clergyman clings to his velvet cushion with either hand, keeps his eye riveted upon his book, speaks of the ecstasies of joy and fear with a voice and a face which indicate neither, and pinions his body and soul into the same attitude of limb and thought, for fear of being called theatrical and affected. The most intrepid veteran of us all does no more than wipe his face with his cambric sudarium ; if by mischance his hand slip from its ordinary grip of the velvet, he d'raws it back as from liquid brim- stone, or the caustic iron of the law, and atones for his indecorum by fresh inflexibility and more rigid sameness. Is it wonder, then, that every semi-delirious sectary who pours forth his animated nonsense with the genuine look and voice of passion should gesticu- late away the congregation of the most profound and learned divine of the established Church, and, in two Sundays, preach him bare to the very sexton ! " [2] Justice Only Delayed. The late Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion, before he was raised to the bench, when defending a murderer, although he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent. Sentence of death was pronounced, and the day of execution was fixed for, say, the 20th of January. As Lord Cockburn was passiuc the condemned man ENGLISH WIT AXD HUMOUR. Ill the latter seized him by the gown, saying : " I have not got justice, Mr Cockburn I have not got justice ! " To this the advocate coolly replied : " Perhaps not ; but you'll get it on the 20th of January." Comparisons are "Hideous." Some time since a wedding breakfast was given by a substantial farmer blessed with five daughters, the oldest being the bride, when a neighbour, a young farmer, who was honoured with an invitation, thinking no doubt he ought to say something smart and complimentary upon the event, addressing the bridegroom said, " Well, you have got the pick of the batch ! " The counten- ances of the four unmarried ones, as may be imagined, was a study. Here and There, One. Dr B being once in a large company at dinner, was seated between Mrs Lowth and Mrs Sherlock ; the conversation happened to turn upon wives, when Dr B said, that he "believed wives in general were good, though to be sure there might be a bad one here and there," nodding alternately at the two ladies on each side of him. Two Alma Maters Result. A young country clergyman was boasting of having been educated at two colleges. " You remind me," said an aged divine present, of an instance I knew of a calf that sucked two cows." " What was the consequence ? " said a third person. "Why, sir," replied the old gentleman, very gravely, " the con- sequence was, that he was a very great calf." " Mortifying Simplicity. A country gentleman who fills every necessary position to constitute him the head of the village, and who had taken some pains to instruct the rustic inhabitants in the proper signs of respect due to him, being lately on a horse somewhat given to shy, and observing a lad walking before him, called out, "Boy, don't take otf your hat." The youth, turning his head, very innocently answered, " / v:ornt a-going to do." Teacher versus PupiL An incident analogous to that so often associated with the name of Professor Blackie and his classes occurred the other day at a reading school in Gates-head. The pupils, in exuberance of 112 E\ 'ER YBOD Y'S BOOK OF spirits, had just returned to scholastic work after the holidays. and one of the more playful of the number, desirous of aiming a gentle joke at the master, wrote upon the blackboard, " Mr is a donkey." The genial and witty teacher, however, was equal to the occasion, for, on seeing the inscription, he immediately seized the chalk and added the word " driver." This, of course", made all the difference in the world, and the tables were suddenly- turned upon the juvenile scribe and his fellows. Two Birds with One Stone. Dr Wilberforce, Bishop of Winchester, and Lord Palmerston were on a visit in the country. The premier offered to take the bishop to church in his carriage : the bishop chose to go on foot. A shower came on just as the carriage overtook the pedestrian. The prime minister put his head out of the window with : " How blest is he who ne'er consents By ill advice to walk." And the bishop immediately retorted with : " Nor stands in sinners' ways, nor sits Where men profanely talk. " Hearing Both Sides. A father asked a lazy son what made him lie in bed so long. "I am busied," said he, "in hearing counsel every morning. Industry advises me to get up, Sloth to lie still ; and so they give twenty reasons for and against. It is my part to hear what is said on both sides, and. by the time the case is over, dinner is ready. " An Apprentice and Early Rising. An industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him the first morning at a very early hour, by calling out that the family were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over in bed to adjust himself for a new nap, "thank you, but I never eat anything during the night." Taking him at his own Price. A gentleman while skating fell into the water, and ran im- minent risk of his life. A man with some difficulty pulled him out. The gentleman rewarded his preserver with a sixpence. The bystanders expressed some surprise respecting the insuffi- ciency of the sum ; but the man coolly observed, that the ENGLISH H'/r AXD HUMOUR. 113 gentleman knew best what his own life was worth, and walked off. Dr Johnson's Childhood. The trick which most parents play with their children, that of showing off their newly -acquired accomplishments, disgusted Mi- Johnson beyond expression. He had been treated so himself, he said, till he absolutely loathed his father's caresses, because he knew they were sure to precede some unpleasing display of his early abilities ; and he used, when neighbours came visiting, to run up a tree that he might not be found and exhibited, such, as no doubt he was, a prodigy of early understanding. His epitaph upon the duck he killed by treading on it at five years old "Here lies poor duck That Samuel Johnson trod on ; If it had liv'd it had been good luck, For it would have been an odd one" is a striking example of early expansion of mind and knowledge t the mind." [19] A Witty Decision. The Duke of Dorset, John Dryden, Bolingbroke, and Chester- field were in the habit of spending their evenings together ; 'twas in general, " the feast of reason and the flow of soul ; " on one oc- casion, however, ennui had taken possession of the whole : at last it was proposed that the three aristocrats should each write a some- thing, and place it under the candlestick, and that Dryden (who was at that period in very indifferent circumstances) should determine who had written the best thing. It was no sooner proposed than agreed to ; the scrutiny commenced, judgment was given : " My Lords," said Dryden, addressing Bolingbfoke and Chesterfield, " you each of you have proved your wit, but I am sure you will, nevertheless, agree with me, that his grace the Duke of Dorset has excelled ; pray attend my Lords, ' I promise to pay John Dryden, Esq., on demand, One Hundred Pounds Dorset." It scarcely need be observed, that the noble wits subscribed to the judgment. At One Time, Wise At Another, Otherwise. The Rev. Mr Alcock, in the middle of the last century, was rector of Burnsal, near Skipton, in Yorkshire ; he was a learned man and a wit, but so much addicted to waggery that he some- times forgot his office, and indulged in sensible eccentricities, and at others in sallies rather unbecoming a minister, though never- theless he was a sincere Christian. An example of each is here given : On one occasion, when in the pulpit, he found that he had forgotten his sermon ; nowise confused at the loss, he called out to his clerk : " Jonas, I have left my sermon at home, so hand us 142 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF up that Bible, and I'll read them a chapter in Job worth ten of it." On another occasion, one of Mr Alcock's friends, at whose house he was in the habit of calling previously to his entering the church on Sundays, once took occasion to unstitch his sermon and misplace the leaves. At the church, Mr Alcock, when he had read a page, discovered the joke. " Will," said he, "thou rascal ! what's thou been doing with my sermon?" Then turn- ing to his congregation, he said, " Brethren, Will Thornton's been misplacing the leaves of my sermon ; I have not time to put them right ; I shall read on as I find it, and you must make the best of it that you can ; " and he accordingly read through the confused mass, to the utter astonishment of his flock. [11] Defying and Abusing the Magistrates. An old lady was recently brought as a witness before a b*ench of magistrates, and when asked to take off her bonnet, obstinately refused to do so, saying : " There's no law compelling a woman to take off her bonnet. " " Oh," imprudently replied one of the magistrates, " you know the law, do you ? Perhaps you would like to come up and sit here and teach us ? " " No, I thank you, sir," said the woman, tartly ; " there are old women enough there now." A Materialistic Nobleman, On the occasion of the distribution of medals to officers and men who had served in the Crimea, Lord Malmesbury tells us that Mrs Norton, talking about it to Lord Panmure, asked: " Was the Queen touched ? " " Bless my soul, no ! " was the reply. " She had a brass railing before her, and no one could touch her." Mrs Norton then said, " I mean, was she moved ? " " Moved ! " answered Lord Panmure ; "she had no occasion to move." Mrs Norton then gave it up in despair. [21] A Procrastinating Wit. The Rev. Dr Howard, clerical wit, was chaplain to Princess Augusta, Princess- do wager of Wales, and mother of George III. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 143 He was also rector of St George's, Southwark. Delighting much in the good things of this -world, he so far indulged his hunger and thirst after delicacies, that he found himself much in arrears to many of his trading parishioners. Fortunately for himself, he lived within the rules of the King's Bench, which shielded him from the rude intrusion of clamorous creditors. The doctor, however, was a man of humour, and frequently hit upon ex- pedients to keep them in good temper. He once preached a sermon from the following text : " Have patience, and I will oay you all." He expatiated at great length on the virtue and Advantage of patience. "And now, my brethren," said he, "I aii come to the second part of my discourse, which is, f And I wll pay you all ;' but that I shall defer to a future opportunity." On another occasion, when collecting a brief with the parish officers of St George's, he called on a grocer with whom he had a ruming account. As he was always in arrear with his trades- people, the reverend gentleman, to prevent being first asked for a settlement, inquired if he was not some trifle in the grocer's deb. On reference to the ledger, there appeared a balance of seveateen shillings in favour of the shopkeeper. The doctor had recourse to his pocket, and pulled out some halfpence, a little silvar, and a guinea ; the grocer, eyeing the latter with a degree rf surprise, exclaimed : " Good heavens, sir, you have a stranger tiere ! " " Indeed I have, Mr Brown," replied the wit, returning tie guinea into his pocket, "and before we part we shall be better aquainted." [11] Curious Sermons on " What a Good Wife Should Be." [n a wedding sermon, entitled " The Rib Restored," delivered in St Dionis Back Church, in Fenchurch Street, in 1655, by Rbhard Meggot, afterwards Dean of Salisbury, the preacher, speaking of a good wife, says: "A help she must be in her fauily, being not only a wife, but a house-wife ; not a field- wfe, like Dinah ; nor a street-wife, like Thamar ; nor a window- wfe, like Jezebel, but an house-wife." Another preacher enumerated the qualifications of a good wifi in the following antithesis of " To be, or not to be. " She should be like three things, and yet she should not be like those three things. First, she should be like a snail, always keep within her own house ; bvt she should not be like a snail and carry all she has upon her back. Secondly, she should be like an echo, to speak when she is 144 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF spoken to ; but she should not be like an echo, always to have the last word. Thirdly, she should be like a town-clock, always keep time and regularity ; but she should not be like a town-clock to speak so loud that all the town may hear her. [11] Every Man to his Calling. On a trial at the Admiralty sessions, for shooting a seaman, the counsel for the crown asked one of the witnesses which he was for, plaintiff or defendant. " Plaintiff or defendant ? " says the sailor, scratching his head ; " why, I don't know what you mean by ' plaintiff or defendant. ' I come to speak for that man there ? " " You are a pretty fellow for a witness," says the counsel, "no* to know what ' plaintiff or defendant ' means. " Some time after, being asked by the same counsel what part >f the ship he was in at the time " Abaft the binnacle ! " said tie sailor. " Abaft the binnacle ! " replied the barrister, " what ptrt of the ship is that ? " " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " chuckled the sailor ; " an't you a pretty felbw for a counsellor," pointing archly at him with his finger, "not to know what ' abaft the binnacle ' is ! " Solomon's System of Self-defence. t( Do you think it would be wrong for me to learn the ' Noble Art of Self-defence ' ? " a religiously-inclined youth inquired of his pastor. " Certainly not," answered the minister. " I learned it in youti myself, and I have found it of great value during my life." " Indeed, sir ! Did you learn the old English system or SulKvarfs system ? " " Neither. I learned Solomon's system," replied the minister, " Solomon's system ? " "Yes. You will find it laid down in the first verse of tie fifteenth chapter of Proverbs : ' A soft answer turneth awap wrath. ' It is the best system of self-defence of which I havs any knowledge. " Playing the Wrong Organ. The organ-blower in a London church one day fell asleep during 1 service, of which fact the audience soon became conscious by the vigorous blowing of his own organ. The preacher, after bearing it for a while, stopped and remarked : ENGLISH WIT AXD HUMOUR. 145 " I do not object to a quiet nap on a hot day, and am flattered at being able to contribute to anybody's repose. But, while proud at being able to give the beloved sleep, I wish it to be distinctly understood that I draw the line at snores. There is a man snor- ing in the congregation, and I shall be obliged if someone will awaken him." The offender was quickly aroused. Fearful of Contagion. One day when Bishop Thomas was still curate of one of the churches in Thames Street, he was burying a corpse, and a woman came and pulled him by the sleeve, in the midst of the service. " Sir, sir, I want to speak to you." " Pr'ythee," said he, " woman, wait till I have done." "No, sir, I must speak to you imme- diately." " Why, then, what is the matter ?" " Why, sir," says she, "you are burying a man who died of the small-pox next my poor husband who never had it." This anecdote was related by Dr Thomas himself. [11] His Birthday Party. ^L Boy : "Ain't it time to eat the good things ? " Mother: "Certainly not. You must wait until your friends come." Boy : " I guess they won't come, 'cause 1 didn't invite them. I thought I'd rather have it entirely exclusive." Offering a Premium on Theft. A clergyman in the West, who had unfortunately quarrelled with his parishioners, had the misfortune to have some linen stolen from the lines on which it hung to dry, and he posted hand- bills for the discovery of the offender. Next morning, the follow- ing was written at the foot of the copy posted against the church door : " Some thief has stolen the parson's shirts, To skin naught could be nearer : The parish '11 give five hundred pounds To him that steals the wearer. " [11] Palmerston's Humour in His Last Illness. Lord Palmerston's good humour, as a distinct element of his character, is well known. We find it even during his last illness, 146 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF when his physician was forced to mention death. " Die. my dear doctor ! " he exclaimed, " that's the last thing I shall do." Hood's Humour in His Last Illness. In Hood's last illness, when he was wasted to a shadow, a mustard poultice was to be applied to his chest. " Ah, doctor," said the poor patient, smiling faintly, "it is a great deal of mustard to so little meat." Dr Donne " Undone," but not " Done Up." Dr Donne, the celebrated Dean of St Paul's, whose curious monument is still preserved in the crypt, having married Sir George More's daughter without the consent of her parents, was imprisoned in the Fleet Prison, and otherwise treated with severity. Donne, however, wrote a very eloquent and submissive letter to the offended father-in-law, which was signed : "John Donne, Ann Donne, undone." This quibble is said to have been the means of restoring the distressed couple to the parental fwour. [11] Education. : In talking of the education of children, I asked Johnson what he thought was best to teach them first. " Johnson replied : ' Sir, it is no matter what you teach them first, any more than what leg you shall put into your breeches arst, but in the meantime your breech is bare. Sir, while you are considering which of two things you should teach your child first, another boy has learnt them both.' " [22] An Insignificant M.P. A couple of visitors from a rural district were in the Strangers* Gallery, in the House of Commons, trying to pick out members on the floor. ' I can't distinguish him," said one, after a hopeless visual observation. "Of course not," was the honest reply: "he can't even distinguish himself. " A Church Living in the Nineteenth Century. In 1832 the vicarage of Wyburn or Winsburn, in Cumberland, was of the following tempting value : Fifty shillings per annum, a new surplice, a pair of clogs, and feed on the common for one ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 147 goose. This favoured church preferment was then in tne midst of a wild country, inhabited by shepherds. The clerk kept a pot house opposite the church. The service was once a fortnight, and when there was no congregation, the vicar and Moses used to regale themselves at the bar. [11] A Study in Natural History. Professor (lecturing upon the rhinoceros) : "I must beg you to give me your undivided attention. It is absolutely impossible that you can form a true idea of this hideous animal unless you keep your eyes fixed on me." " Dealing " and " Leading." Sir Frederick Thesiger (afterwards Lord Chelmsford) once had occasion to object to the irregularity of a learned serjeant, who, in examining his witnesses, repeatedly put leading questions. " I have a right," maintained the serjeant doggedly, "to deal with my witnesses as I please." " To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick ; "you may deal as you like, but you shan't lead." Curious Misconceptions at a Funeral. A ludicrous mistake happened some time ago at a funeral. The clergyman was reading the service, until he came to that part which says, "our deceased brother or sister," without knowing whether the deceased was a male or a female. He turned round to one of the mourners, and asked whether it was a brother or a sister ? The man very innocently replied, " No relation at all, sir ; only an acquaintance." [11] Henry Russell's Singing. An interesting account of the author of "Cheer Boys, Cheer," has recently appeared in the World, from which we make the following extract : " On one occasion I was invited to Hamey to give a benefit entertainment for the Staffordshire potters, who were in much distress. After I had sung my song, ' There's a Good Time Com- ing, Boys ; Wait a Little Longer,' a man in the crowd rose excitedly and shouted : ' Muster Russell, can ye fix the toime ? ' "Another artisan in the reserved seats stood up and quietly fiaid : ' Shut oop, man ; Muster Russell '11 write to ye ! ' " At Newcastle-on-Tyne I gave the ' Gambler's_Wife; ,I_may.tell 148 E VER TBOD rS BOOK OF you that the wife is awaiting the gambler's return. The clock strikes one. the clock strikes two, and then the clock strikes three. As the clock strikes four, the young wife, clasping her child to her bosom, dies in hopeless despair. A woman stood up in the audience and emphatically declaimed in a shrill shriek : ' Oh, Mr Russell if it had been me, wouldn't I have fetched him home ! ' " In earlier days, as Henry Russell was singing, "Woodman. Spare That Tree," an old gentleman cried : "Mr Russell, was the tree saved ? " " It was, sir." " Thank God for that ! " he answered, with a sigh of relief. The realistic character of Mr Russell's songs, and the impression of actuality which they gave to the minds of the people, is shown in another anecdote : On the "Newfoundland Dog" being sung, a piece which described the dog saving a child's life, a North countryman ex- claimed : " Was the child saved, man ? " " It was. sir." With the anxious look of one asking a great favour, the man pleaded : " Could ye get me a peep ? " At Home Everywhere but at Home. "Ah, old fellow," said a gentleman, meeting another in the street, "so you are married at last ? Allow me to congratulate you, for I hear you have an excellent and accomplished wife. " " I have indeed,'' was the reply. " She is so ! Accomplished ! Why, sir, she is perfectly at home in literature, at home in music, at home in art, at home in science in short, at home everywhere except " : Except what ? " ''Except at home." A Cock that Couldn't Crow. On one occasion when G. F. Cooke, the famous actor, was playing his celebrated character of Richard the Third, the person enacting Ratcliff was very imperfect in his part. Coming on the stage, in the fifth act of the p. 1 ay, in which King Richard, just as he concludes his well-known soliloquy in the tent-scene, inquires "Who's there?" the personator of Ratcliff. on the occasion in question, got as tar in his speech in reply, as " 'Tis I the early village cock " and he could proceed no f urther. After a short ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 149 pause, Cooke, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, said, " Why the deuce don't you crow then ? " Scholastic Wit. Dr John Jegon, of Bennett's College, Cambridge, afterwards Bishop of Norwich, was a most serious man and a grave governor ; yet withal of a most facetious disposition. The following is an instance : While master of the college, he chanced to punish all the undergraduates for some general offence, and the penalty was put on their heads in the buttery. He disdained, however, to apply the money to his own use, and it was expended in white- washing the hall of the college : whereupon a scholar hung up these lines on the screen : " Doctor Jegon, Bennett's College master ; Broke the scholars' heads, and gave the walls a plaster." The doctor, whose ready wit was not the least impaired by age, on reading the paper, wrote under it in pencil the following extempore : " Knew I the wag that writ these lines in bravery, I'd commend him for his wit, but whip him for his knavery." [HJ Local Sympathy. A melting Good Friday sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one man, who being asked why he did not weep as well as the rest? " Oh ! " replied he, "I belong to another parish. " [11] Ante-Reformation Days. The term "Protestantism" reminds us of the prompt answer which was given by Wilks, who, being asked by a Eomanist, " Where was your church before Luther ? " replied, " Where was your face before you washed it this morning ? " [11] Often Absent in Disputes. J ohnson having argued some time with a pertinacious gentleman ; his opponent, who had talked in a very puzzling manner, happened to say, ' ' I don't understand you, sir ; " upon which Johnson observed, "Sir, 1 have found you an argument; but I am not obliged to find you an understanding." [22] A Good Judge of Sermons. The late Bishop Blomfield used to tell a story of his having once, late iu life, preached at the University Church at Cambridge, 150 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF and of having seen a verger there whom he remembered when he was himself an undergraduate. The bishop told the verger he was glad to see him looking so well at such a great age. "Oh, yes, my lord, ' said the man, " I have much to be grateful for. I have heard every sermon that has been preached in this church for fifty years, and, thank God, I am a Christian still." [11] The Ship Chaplain's Sermon on Hea /en. In a storm at sea the chaplain asked one of the crew, if he thought there was any danger. "Why," replied the sailor, "if this continues, we shall all be in heaven before to-morrow morning.'' The chaplain, horrified at these words, cried out, " The Lord forbid !" [11] " The Tongue can No Man Tame." Once at a meeting of ministers a question was started to be de- bated among them. Upon the first proposal of it, a confident young divine said : "Truly, I hold it so." "You hold, sir?" replied the Rev. Philip Henry ; " it becomes you to hold your tongue." [11] The Quickest Courtship and Marriage on Record. Jeremy White, one of Oliver Cromwell's domestic chaplains, paid his addresses to Lady Frances, the Protector's youngest daughter. Oliver was told of it by a spy, who followed the intrigue so closely that he tracked Jerry to the lady's chamber, and ran immediately to the Protector with this news. Oliver, in a rage, hastened thither himself, and entering unexpectedly, found the chaplain on his knees kissing the lady's hand. In a towering passion he asked him what was the meaning of his being in that posture before his daughter ? White replied, " May it please your Highness, I have a long time courted that young gentlewoman there, my lady's woman, and I cannot prevail. I was, therefore, humbly praying her ladyship to intercede for me." The Protector, turning to the young woman, exclaimed : ' What's the meaning of this, hussey ? Why do you refuse the honou* Mr White would do you He is my good friend, and I expect you to treat him as, such.' 1 My lady's woman who desired nothing more, with a very low courtsey, replied : ' If Mr White intends me that honour, I shall not be against him." ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 151 " Say you so, my lass ? " exclaimed Cromwell. " Call Godwyn ! This business shall be done presently before I go out of the room." White had gone too far to retreat. The parson came, and Jerry and my lady's woman were made one flesh in the presence of the Protector. [11] Johnson and Mr Crawford An Extinguisher. " Mr Crawford being engaged to dinner where Dr Johnson was to be, resolved to pay his court to him ; and having heard that he preferred Donne's Satires to Pope's version of them, said, ' Do you know, Dr Johnson, that I like Dr Donne's original Satires better than Pope's 1 ' Johnson said, ' Well, sir, I can't help that. ' " F24] Hats Blocked while You " Wait ! " A thief went into the hall of a Brighton hotel and gathered up all the hats. He was making his way out, when a visitor came in and asked him what he was about. " Oh," says the thief, " I'm taking the gentlemen's hats round the corner, to get them blocked.'' " Well," replied the visitor, " take my hat, too." "Certainly, sir," said the accommodating thief, and vanished. Twelve Pennyworths for One Shilling. In days of yore there lived in Chester an old tradesman who kept a drapery shop, and was remarkable for his imperturbable disposi- tion, so much so that no one had ever seen him out of temper. This remarkable characteristic having become the subject of con- versation, one of his neighbours, who was somewhat of a wag, bet five pounds that he could succeed in ruffling the habitual placidity of -the stoic. He accordingly proceeded to his shop, and asked to see some cloths suitable for a, coat. One piece was shown to him, and then another ; and a third and a fourth were handed from the shelves ; this was too coarse, the other too fine : one was too dark a colour, another too light. Still the old draper continued placid as new milk ; ;,nd no sooner did his customer start an objection to any particular piece than he was met by some other variety being laid before him, until the very last piece in the shop was unfolded to his view. The vendor now lost all hope of pleasing his fastidious purchaser, when the latter, affecting to look at the uppermost piece with satisfaction, exclaimed "Ah. my dear ?ir, you have hit it at last ; thisis the very thing ; 1 will cake a shilling's worth of this pattern," at the same time laying the money plump on the counter before him to show that he was a prompt payer. " You shall have 152 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF it, my good friend," replied the draper, with the utmost serious- ness of speech and manners ; and then, laying the shilling on the surface of the cloth, and applying his ample scissors, he cut it fairly round to the size of the money, and, wrapping it carefully up in a piece of paper, made a low bow, thanked him for his custom, and hoped he would call at his shop when he wanted anything in his line again. A G jod " Judge "in More Senses than One. Mr Justice Mathew, of the Queen's Bench Division, does not give one an impression at first sight of being either a shrewd Lon- doner or a stern dispenser of the law of the land ; one might take him to be perhaps a benevolent and simple country squire. At any rate, some such impression evidently prevailed in the mind of a professional seller of painted sparrows who came up to Sir James one day in the neighbourhood of the Strand, and shewing him one of his birds, asked the learned judge's opinion as to what species it might belong to. Sir James stopped, carefully examined the gaudy little creature, and then replied that he had not seen a bird exactly like that one before, but, judging from the old proverb that " birds of a feather flock together," he should say that it was a gaol-bird. The vendor waited for no further particulars, but instantly shuffled away. The Prevailing Sense of the House. One night during a heated discussion in the House of Commons in which Home Tooke bore the principal part, his chief antagonist said, " I'll take the sense of the House." "And I'll take the non- sense, and I'll beat you," retorted Tooke. Dr Jenner a "Respectable Practitioner." The late Sir William Gull's butler was a great character a small dark man, always white-chokered and dressed in black, with a calm solemn manner. His income from tips must have been large, as the waiting-room was always crammed and the order of audience was settled by him. One day, summoned to the street-door by a more than ordinary fierce knock, he found an excited individual just alighted from a cab. "Sir William Gull in?" "Yes, sir." "I want to see him." "Have you an appointment, sir?" "Appointment? No! I'm very ill. I want to see Sir William." " Impossible, sir, without an appointment." Naughty word emitted by visitor ; then " When can I see him?" "Well, sir" after consulting paper "at eleven on Tuesday ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR* 153 next." " Tuesday next be hanged ! I'm very ill ! I tell you 1 must see some one ! Do you know any one near who could see me ? " Servant, after cogitation : " Well, sir, there's a gentleman over the way a very respectable practitioner named Jenner he might be able to see you." Why the Bailiffs went away without their Prisoner. A ludicrous incident occurred when Carter, the lion king, as he was called, was exhibiting with Ducrow at Astley's. A manager with whom Carter had made and broken an engagement issued a writ against him. The bailiffs came up to the stage-door and asked for Carter. "Show the gentlemen up," said Ducrow. And when they reached the stage there sat Carter composedly in the great cage, with an enormous lion on each side of him. "There's Mr Carter waiting for you, gentlemen," said Ducrow. "Go in and take him. Carter, my boy, open the door." Carter proceeded to obey, at the same time eliciting by a private signal a tremendous roar from his companions. The bailiffs staggered back in terror, rolled over each other as they rushed down-stairs, and nearly fainted before they reached the street. " Sermons in Stones." A gentleman, passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen that he thought it would be an expensive job. " Why, yes," replied he ; "but in my opinion we . shall accomplish what our parson has endeavoured to do for the last thirty years in vain." " What is that ? " said the gentleman. " Why, bring all the parish to repentance." Elderly Men not always Wise. An old gentleman without tact, on meeting some ladies whom he had known as girls in his boyhood, cordially remarked : " Bless me ! How time flies ! Let me see, its thirty-two years come next April since we used to go to school together. I was a little chap then, you remember, and you were fine young women." The old man could never understand why his cordial greeting was received so coldly. Johnson and a Clergyman's Ignorance. " A certain young clergyman used to come about Dr Johnson. The Doctor said it vexed him to be in his company, his ignor- ance was so hopeless. 'Sir,' said Mr Langton, 'his coming about you shows he wishes to help his ignorance.' ' Sir.' said the 154 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF Doctor, ' his ignorance is so great I am afraid to show him the bottom of it.' " [22] Consolation for an Injured Man. One writer I can recall, but will not name, to whom Douglas Jerrold had given almost his first appearance in print, was among the most persevering and unscrupulous of his enemies afterwards. Some friend as friends will mentioned the ingratitude. ' ' Never mind," Douglas Jerrold retorted, "the boy is sick to windward. It'll all fly back in his face. " [25] Finning Him to the Literal Meaning. A young clergyman and an elderly parishioner one day walking homo from church, the elderly man slipped on the muddy path and fell. "Ah," said the clergyman, "sinners stand on slippery places," reaching out his hand to help him up. " So I see," said his parishioner ; " and you certainly keep your footing well. " Johnson's Confession of Ignorance. " A lady once asked Johnson how he came to define Pastern the knee of a horse : instead of making an elaborate defence, as she expected, he at once answered, ' Ignorance, madam, pure ignor- ance.'" [22] The Judge and the Cabman. A cabman brought Mr Justice X. to the judges' entrance to the courts in Carey Street the other morning. Holding out in the vast solitude of his palm the coin given him, he asked indignantly, " What do yer call this ? " His lordship gave no heed to the question, but passed through the doorway. " Well, I'm blowed," exclaimed cabby " and I help to pay that man five thousand quid a year ! " Thinking " Nothing of It." On one occasion, when Dr Lonsdale, Bishop of Lichfield, had spoken on the importance of diligent, painstaking preparation for the pulpit, a verbose young clergyman said : ''Why, my lord, I often go to the vestry even without what text I shall preach upon, yet I go up and preach an extempore sermon, and think nothing cf it." The bishop replied, "Ah, well! that agrees with what I ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 155 hear from your people : for they hear the sermon, and they also think nothing of it." [11] Johnson and his Fair Flatterer. " It was near the close of Johnson's life that two young ladies who were warm admirers of his works, but had never seen himself, went to Bolt Court, and, asking if he was at home, were shown upstairs where he was writing. He laid down bis pen on their entrance ; and as they stood before him one of the females repeated a speech of some length previously prepared for the occasion. It was an enthusiastic effusion, to which, when the speaker had finished, she panted for her idol's reply. What was her mortification when all he said was ' Fiddle-de-dee, my dear.'" [24] A Witty Description of a Wedding. A gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage married again immediately after his wife died : Johnson said, " It was the triumph of hope over experience." [22] Politeness in Prayer. In a country parish the wife of the lord of the manor came to church, after her confinement, to return thanks. The parson, aiming to be courtly, and thinking plain "woman" too vulgar, instead of saying, " Lord ! save this woman ; " said, " Lord ! save this lady ! " The clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him in politeness, answered, "who putteth her ladyship's trust in Thee." [11] Counting the Cost. For a wary and thrifty business man, commend us to a com- mercial traveller who the other day received from a wealthy acquaintance in another city a proposal to marry his daughter. The letter added : "Be sure to come; my daughter is an ac- knowledged beauty, and is sure to please you." Tbe commercial traveller wrote back that he was willing to come, but cautiously inquired : " Suppose, however, she does not please me, will you pay my travelling expenses home again ? " Obeying Orders. The officer on duty for the week gives instructions to his orderly, whose business it is to wait at table : " Before removing the soup-plates always ask each person if he would like any more." 156 E VER VBOD Y'S BOOK OF " Very good, sir." Next day the orderly, respectfully bowing to one of the guests, inquires : " Would the gentleman like some more soup ? " " Yes, please. " " There isn't any left." True Enough, and Enough, Though True. The following epigram was made when Dr Goodenough, Bishop of Carlisle, was one day appointed to preach before the House of Peers : " 'Tis well enough that Goodenough Before the Lords should preach ; For sure enough, they're bad enough He undertakes to teach." When the above prelate was made a bishop, a certain dignitary, whom the public had expected to get the appointment, being asked by a friend how he came not to be the new bishop, replied : " Because I was not Good enough I " [11] Marriage A Revenge. Mrs Stermvife : " Yes, indeed, Miss Firstsummer. I know how exasperating it is to have one's affections trifled with. A young man attempted to trifle with my heart, but I tell you I got even with him." Miss Firstsummer : "You jilted him when he finally proposed, I presume ? " " Mrs Sternwife : " No, I married him." Transposition ! "My dear," said a gentleman to his wife, "our club is going to have all the home comforts." " Indeed," replied she ; "and when is our home going to have all the club comforts ? " Johnson's Letter to the Earl of Chesterfield. ' ' Seven years, my Lord, have now passed since I waited in your outward "rooms or was repulsed from your door ; during which time I have been pushing on my work through difficulties of which it is useless to complain, and have brought it, at last, to the verge of publication, without one act of assistance, one word of encouragement, or one smile of favour. Such treatment I did not expect, for I never had a Patron before. "Is not a Patron, my Lord, one who looks with unconcern on a ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR, 157 man struggling for life in the water, and, when he has reached ground, encumbers him with help ? The notice which you have been pleased to take of my labours, had it been early, had been kind ; but it has been delayed till I am indifferent, and cannot enjoy it ; till I am solitary and cannot impart it ; till I am known, and do not want it. I hope it is no very cynical asperity not to confess obligations where no benefit has been received, or to be unwilling that the Public should consider me as owing that to a Patron which Providence has enabled me to do for myself." [22] Johnson and " Fools. " "Mrs Knowles : 'I hope, Doctor, thou wilt not remain un- forgiving ; and that you will renew your friendship, and joyfully meet at last in those bright regions where pride and prejudice can never enter.' Dr Johnson: ' Meet her.'* I never desire to meet fools anywhere ! '" [22] Meat or Bones ? The Rev. John Newton one day heard a minister preach who affected great accuracy in his discourses, and who had occupied nearly an hour on several laboured and nice distinctions. Hav- ing a high esteem for Mr Newton's judgment, he inquired of him whetner he thought these distinctions were full and judicious ? Mr Newton said he thought them not very full, as a very inr portant one had been omitted. *' What can that be ? " inquired the minister, " for I have taken more than ordinary care to enumerate them fully." "I think not," replied Mr Newton, "for when many of your congregation have travelled several miles for a meal, I think you should not have forgotten the important distinction which must ever exist between meat and bones. " [11] A Prayer Which Could not be Answered. The Rev. Robert Hall had a very large mouth. He was as well aware of this as any one else, and one morning at a breakfast party at Bristol, on the occasion of family prayers, a young minister, referring to a sermon about to be delivered by the distinguished divine, prayed the Lord would "open his mouth wider than ever." When they rose from their knees, Mr Hall said, ' Well sir, did you pray that my mouth might be opened *Miss Jane Harry, who had offended Johnson by becoming a proselyte to Quakerism 158 EVERYBODrS BOOK OF wider? It couldn't well be done, sir, unless it was slit from ear to ear, sir." [11] Going to " Star " or " To Starve " ? Charles Mathews once went to perform at Wakefield, where, owing to the depressed state of trade, the drama received no support. He was afterwards asked how much money he had made at Wakefield, and replied : " Not a shilling !" " Not a shilling ? " repeated his questioner. " Why, I thought YOU went there to star ?" " So I did," replied Mathews ; " but they spell it with a ' ve ' in Wakefield." A Quaker's Impatience to See his Visitor "again." A gentleman of indolent habits made a business of visiting his friends extensively. He was once cordially received by a Quaker, who treated his visitor with great attention and politeness for several days. At last he said : " My friend, I am afraid thee will never visit me again." "Oh yes, I shall," said the visitor; "I have enjoyed my visit much ; I shall certainly come again." "Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee will not visit me again." " What makes you think I shall not come again ? " asked the visitor. "If thee does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again ' ' ' The Wrecked Archbishop and the Eleventh Commandment, Archbishop Usher, when crossing the Channel from Ireland to this country, was wrecked on some part of the Coast of Wales. On this disastrous occasion, after having reached the shore, he made the best of his way to the house of a clergyman, who resided not far from the spot on which he was cast. Without communicating his name or his exalted station, the archbishop introduced himself as a brother clergyman in distress, and stated the particulars of his misfortune. The Cambrian divine, sus- pecting his unknown visitor to be an impostor, gave him no very courteous reception, and having intimated his suspicions, said : "I daresay you can't tell me how many commandments there ENGLISH WIT AXD HUMOUR. 159 are ? " *' There are eleven," replied the archbishop, very meekly. "Repeat the eleventh," rejoined the other, " and I will relieve your distress." " Then you will put the commandment in practice," answered the primate; "A new commandment I give unto you, that you love one another." [11] Perhaps it Was the Fault of the Absent One. A gentleman once told Dr Johnson that a friend of his, looking into the Dictionary which the doctor had lately published, could not find the word ocean. "Not find ' ocean/ " exclaimed our lexicographer ; "sir, I doubt the veracity of your information !" He instantly stalked into his library and, opening the work in question with the utmost impatience, at last triumphantly put his finger upon the subject of research, adding, -''There, sir, there is ocean ! " The gentleman was preparing to apologise for the mistake ; but Dr Johnson good-naturedly dismissed the subject with "Never mind it, sir; perhaps your friend spells ocean with an s." [241 A Witty Drunkard. The following happened on a crowded car. A seedy-looking man, very much the worse for having looked too often on the wine when it was red, rose to give his seat to a lady, when a robust man slipped into the vacated seat, leaving the* lady still standing. "Sa-a-y, you you feller you," said the boozy but chivalrous individual, as he swayed to and fro, hanging to a strap " I I'm drunk, I know, but I I'll git over it, I will ; but you you're a hog, an' you you'll never got over it no, sir, never." And the other passengers agreed with him. A Pointed Question and a Rough Answer. It is related that at Dunvegan, Lady MacLeod having poured out foj Dr Johnson sixteen cups of tea, asked him if a small bas>in would not save him trouble and be more agreeable. "I wonder, Madam/' answered he roughly, "why all ladies ask me such questions. It is to save yourselves trouble, Madam, and not me." The lady was silent, and resumed her task. [27] An Open Question. At a country debating club, the question was discussed, whether there is more happiness in the possession or pursuit of an obiect ? 160 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF " Mr President," said an orator, " suppose I was courtin' a gal, and she was to run away, and I was to run after her ; wouldn't T be happier wken I catch'd her than when I was running after her?" Mr President replied that he could not see how that was to be ascertained before she was caught. A Methodical Maniac. A gentleman of the name of Man, residing near a private mad- house, met one of its poor inhabitants, who had broken from his keeper. The maniac suddenly stopped, and resting upon a large stick, exclaimed, "Who are you, sir ? " The gentleman was rather alarmed, but thinking to divert his attention by a pun, replied, " I am a double man ; I am Man by name, and man by nature." " Are you so?" rejoined the other ; " why, I am a man beside myself, so we two will fight you tico." He then knocked down poor Man, and ran away. A Recognised Need. A stormy discussion arose once in Douglas Jen-old's company, during which a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hand majestically over the excited disputants, he began : " Gentlemen, all I want is common sense." 'Exactly," Douglas Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you do want." The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter. [25] Division of Labour in observing the Church Calendar. There are many ad vantages in variety of conditions, one of which is boasted by a divine, who rejoices that, between both classes, ' all the holidays of the Church are properly kept, since the rich observe the feasts, and the poor observe the fasts. " Club Etiquette Learned from Observation. There have recently been published several very edifying works upon " Etiquette," and the mode of behaving well in company. As no book touching the conduct of Club society has yet appeared, and this is the season of the year atwhkD those admirable institu- tions are making weekly acquisitions in the shape of new inembers, we have thought it might be neither superfluous nor ENGLISH WIT AXD HUMOUR. 16] disagreeable to give the recently admitted candidates a few leading rules for their behaviour, in the way of directions. Thus, in the first place, find fault with everything, and bully the waiters. What do you pay your subscription for, but to secure that privilege ? Abuse the Committee for mismanagement, until you get into it yourself then abuse everybody else. Never shut the door of any room into which you may go, or out of which you may come. When the evening papers arrive, pounce upon three ; keep one in your hand reading, another under your arm, ready to relieve that ; and sit down upon a third. By this means you possess your- self of the opinions of all parties, without being influenced by any one of them. If you wish to dine early and cheap, order some cold meat just before three o'clock it will then be charged as luncheon ; bread, pickles, etc., gratis. Drink table beer, because, as the Scotch gentleman said of something very different, " It is vary pleasant, and costs nothing." If you dine on the joint, get it first, and cut all the best parts off, and help yourself to twice as much as you want, for fear you should never see it again. If you are inclined to read the newspaper when you have finished your meat, make use of the cheese as a reading desk ; it is very convenient, and, moreover, makes the paper smell of cheese, and the cheese taste of paper. If you come in, and see a man whom you know, dining quietly by himself, or two men dining sociably together, draw your chair to their table and volunteer to join them. This they cannot well refuse, although they may wish you at Old Scratch. Then call for the bill of fare and order your dinner, which, as the others had half done before your arrival, will not be served till they have quite finished theirs. This will enable them to enjoy the gratifi- cation of seeing you proceed through the whole of your meal from soup to cheese inclusive, while they are eating their fruit and sipping their wine. If you drink tea, call for a " cup " of tea ; when the waiter has brought it, abuse him for its being too strong, and desire him to fetch an empty cup and a small jug of boiling water ; then divide the tea into the two cups and fill up both with the water. By this method you get two cups of tea for the price of one. N.B. The milk and sugar not charged for. F 162 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF If you are a literary man, always write your books at the club- pen, ink, and paper, gratis ; a circumstance which of itself is likely to make your productions profitable. When there is a ballot, blackball everybody you do not happen to know. If a candidate is not one of your own personal acquaint- ance, he cannot be fit to come there. If you are interested about a friend, post yourself directly in front of his balloting box, and pester everybody, whether you know them or not, to give him a vote ; this, if pertinaciously adhered to, will invariably settle his ate, one way or the other. Always walk about the coffee-room with your hat on, to show your own independence, and your respect for the numerous noble- men and gentlemen who are sitting at dinner without theirs. When you are alone in any of the rooms where writing materials are deposited, help yourself to covers, notepaper, sealing-wax, and black-lead pencils at discretion ; they are as much yours as any other member's, and, as you contribute to pay for them, what difference can it make whether you use them at the club or at home? When you go away, if it is a wet night, and you are without a cloak or great coat, take the first that fits you ; you can send it back in the morning when it is fine : remember you do, and ex- plain that it was taken by mistake. This rule applies equally to umbrellas. Never pay your subscription till the very last day fixed by the regulations ; why should the trustees get the interest of your money for two or three months ? Besides, when strangers come in and see the house, they will find your name over the fire- place, which will show that you belong to the Club. An observance to these general rules, with a little attention to a few minor points, which is scarcely possible to allude to more particularly here, will render you a most agreeable member of the Society to which you belong, and which it will be right to denounce everywhere else as the most execrable hole in London, in which you can get nothing fit either to eat or drink, but in which you, yourself, nevertheless, breakfast, dine, and sup every day, when you are not otherwise engaged. [28] Skeleton Humour. Nothing amuses me more than to observe the utter want of per- ception of a joke in some minds. MrS Jackson called the other day, and spoke of the oppressive heat of last week. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 163 ~, in the Mountaineers. It was soon discovered that he was incompetent ; Colman was in the green-room, and growing fidgety when the new performer came to the line, " I shall weep soon, and then I shall be better." " I'll be hung if you will," said Colman, "if you cry your eyes out." Colman was habitually late to take rest, and was consequently very late in bed during the daytime. On Mr Theodore Hook calling one afternoon at his house, his name was immediately carried up to Colman. "What's the hour?" " Past three, sir." " What, does Mr Hook suppose I rise with the lark ? Ask him to return at any reasonable hour, and I shall be glad to see him." George IV. presented to Colman the commission of Lieu- tenant of the Yeoman of the Guard, in 1820. On the first .birthday that Colman attended officially, in full costume, his Majesty seemed much pleased to see him, and observed, "Your uniform, George, is so well made, that I don't see the hooks and eyes." On which, Colman, unhooking his coat, said, "Here are my eyes ; where are yours ? " At the table of George IV. , when Prince Regent, the royal host said, "Why, Colman, you are older than I am ! " "Oh, no, sir," replied Colman, "I could not take the liberty of coming into the world before your Royal Highness. " Turning to the Duke of Wellington (who was gold-stick in waiting), the king remarked, " George Colman puts me in mind of Pam." "If that is the case," exclaimed Colman, "the only difference between the Duke of Wellington and me, is, that I am the hero of Loo. He, of Wateiloo ! " ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 165 A party of visitors were standing before a whole-length portrait of the celebrated Lord North, in full peer's robes with a long white wand in his hand, which no one appeared to understand. After nodding his head for half a minute, and effecting to rouse, he said, "Eh! white wand? don't know, egad ! but suppose it represents the North Pole ! " When Boaden produced his play of The Italian Moult at the Haymarket, Colman was so jealous of his success, that next morning, at the cutting rehearsal, he said to his stage -manager, " Hang the fellow, we shall now be pestered with his plays, year after year ! " It was of this play that Boaden said he had in it given Billy (Shakespeare) the go-by ; which obtained for him the sobriquet of Billy the-go-by Boaden. John Taylor sent to Colman a volume of his poems which bore the motto, " I left no calling for his idle trade ; " to which Colman added, " For none were blind enough to ask thine aid." Now Taylor was an oculist, but having little or no practice, the satire was the more poignant. Taylor heard of this jeu d' esprit ; and shortly after, being in company with Colman, the word calling was incidentally mentioned by the latter, when Taylor, with great quickness, interrupted him with, "Talking of callings, my dear boy, your father was a great dramatic ' English Merchant ; ' now your dealings are and always will be those of a small Coal-man. I think I had you there ! What, have I paid you for your ' None were blind enough,' eh ? " Colman was evidently hurt. Hackett, the American comedian, had been engaged by Mr Bunn, at Drury Lane. Being in want of a new part, he, or some one for him, had made an alteration in Colman's comedy of Who Wants a Guinea ? substituting a character, Solomon Swap, for the original Solomon Grundy. This amalgamation had to undergo the inspection of the Examiner of Plays, who was also the author of the comedy. Here was a situation ! Colman thus addressed Bunn, the ostensible manager, on the subject : "SiR, In respect to the alterations made by l&rHackett, a mo.st appropriate name on the present occasion, were the established 166 E VER YBOD Y'S BOOK OF play of any living 1 dramatist except myself so mutilated, I should express to the Lord Chamberlain, the grossness and unfairness of the manager who encouraged such a proceeding ; but as the character of Solomon Grundy was originally a part of my own writing, I shall request his grace to license 'the rubbish,' as you call it, which you have sent me. Your obedient servant, G. COLMAN." He was an admirable punster. Sheridan once said, when George made a successful hit, ' ' I hate a pun, but Colman almost recon- ciles me to the infliction." He was once asked if he knew Theodore Hook ? "Oh yes," was his reply, " Hook and I [eye] are old associates." A young man being hardly pressed to sing in a company where Colman formed one of the party, solemnly assured them that he could not sing ; and at last said, rather hastily, " That they only wished to make a butt of him." "Oh, no," said Colman, "my good sir, we only want to get a stave out of you." [29] The Adulterator's Alphabet. A's the mock Auction go, buy if you choose The trash palmed upon you by duffers and Jews. B is the Baker whose loaves sell the faster When made up of alum, potatoes, and plaster. C is the Clergyman mind he don't mix His Rubric with Pusey's or Claphamite tricks. D is the Druggist the Lancet explains How he poisons each drug and increases your pains. E's the Excise that affixes its locks But very queer mixtures come out of the docks. F is the Fellow whose Furniture falls To pieces, as soon as it's set round your walls. Cr is the Grocer the rascal is he, Who puts sand in your sugar and sticks in your tea. H is the Hatter his hats (which you bet) Turn shamefully brown the first time they get wet. I is the Ink -maker, he's a nice fellow His deepest jet black in a week becomes yellow. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 167 J is the Jeweller I know who is sold When you've bought his sham gems really set in sham gold. K is K.G., and a title debased Since Nick and Nurse Ab in the Chapel were graced. L is the Laureate who tenders us for song, A lachrymose whine when we wanted a war-song. M is the Member the place-hunting elf, Selling rubbish he's no right to sell that's himself. N is the Nurse v/ho your suffering insults, Who gives Godfrey to babies and plunders adults. O is the Omnibus Cad who deceives Concerning his route, and who lets in the thieves P is the Publican, neck-deep in sin, With salt in his beer and with turps in his gin. Q's the Queen's Government (that's but a phrase), Who delude their good mistress in all kinds of ways. It's the Romance writer, read with a groan ; What 's good he has prigged, and what 's stupid 's his own. S is the Stock-jobber, none can dispute That a bull or a bear is a low kind of brute. T is the Tailor who makes us all wroth, With his skimping bad fits and his rotten old cloth. U is your Uncle, the usurer Pop, And legalised cheating goes on at his shop. V is the Vintner, you trace when you dine His cnmes in the mess that is brought you for wine. W 5s the Watchmaker, nine times a week His *' warrants >} should bring up himself to the Beak. X /'with an e) 's the Exchequer, which axes All sorts of unjust and irrational taxes. Y is a Yokel when he meets your eyes Look out he's most Ifkely a thief in disguise. 2?s Zadkiel, the quack, who with " Venus " and " Mars," Diddles Zanies by lying reports from the stars. [1] A Keen Judge. Justice Taunton was remarkable for speaking sometimes rather sharply to barristers who occupied unnecessarily the time of the court, or who fell into errors in point of law. On one occasion a 168 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF request was made to him to enlarge a rule. He expressed his intention to do so. Up started a learned serjeant, and exclaimed, "My Lord, in the whole course of my experience I have never known such a rule, under such circumstances, to be enlarged." "Then, my learned brother," replied Taunton, "I shall have the pleasure of enlarging the rule and your experience at the same time." A Question which needed No Answer. Hook's street fun was irrepressible. We read of his walking up to a pompous person in the trottoir in the Strand, and saying to him, "I beg your pardon, sir, but may I ask, Are you anybody particular ? " but he did not wait for the answer of the magnifico. [28] Referring Him to a Good Authority. A late professor taking a country walk, met one of those beings usually called fools. "Pray," says the professor, accosting him, "how long can a person live without brains ? " "I dunno," replied the fellow, scratching his head; "pray, how long have you lived yourself, sir ? " An Old-fashioned Gardener on Scientific Farming. A noble lord, in conversation with his gardener one day, said : " George, the time will come soon when a man will be able to carry the manure for an acre of land in one of his waistcoat- pockets." To which the gardener replied : "I believe it, sir ; but he will be able to carry all the crop in the other pocket." " I Slept, and How Sweet the Dream." I slept, and O how sweet the dream ! In Grange's shop there sat but two : And strawberries red and iciest cream, Were brought to me by I know who. He whispered low, his love was told, In cream the fruit he made me plunge, And if I found the cream too cold, He bade me try a cake of sponge. ENGLISH WIT AXD HUMOUR. 169 He talked of all that makes up life, Of dresses, dances, drives, and drums ; Of ponies which he'd buy his wife, And bracelets costing awful sums. His tones grew low I listened well, The accents changed to " Mary Teggs ! Your Ma have rang the breakfast bell. And if you're late you'll git no heggs." [1] Kingly Courtesy and Quaker Consistency. When Penn stood before Charles II. with his hat on, the king put off his. "Friend Charles," 'said Penn, "why dost thou not put on thy hat?" "'Tis the custom of this place," replied the monarch, "that only one person should be covered at a time.' A Grim and Witty Description of the Experience of Some Wives. Referring to the poverty too often endured by artists, poets, authors, and other men of genius, Douglas Jerrold makes Mr Mammoth tell his wife (in the piece entitled Law and Lions) that "the wives of geniuses live only in the kitchen of im- agination." [25] Why " The Spectator " excelled " The Tattler." When Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator ; but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have comtinued the Spectator than started the Tattler," Thackeray Broadening Carlyle's Vision. Carlyle happened, in the presence of Thackeray, to speak in terms of qualified admiration of Titian. " Oh ! " said he, " they talk a great deal about Titian ; I could never see much in him.' Thackeray tapped him on the shoulder, and whispered, " Do you think that is Titian's fault ? " An Opportunity for Boys of the Right Sort. A farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart, active, brave, tractable, prompt, industrious, clean, pio'.is, 170 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF intelligent, good-looking, reserved, and modest. The superin- tendent wrote back that, unfortunately, they had only human boys in that institution. Erskine's Humour. Mr Espinasse was conversing with Erskine and a Mr Lamb, when Erskine remarked how much habit and the practice of speaking gave a man confidence in addressing the court. "I protest I don't find it so," said Mr Lamb, "for though I've been a good many years at the bar, and have had my share of business, 1 don't find my confidence increase ; indeed, the contrary is rather my case. " "Why," reph'ed Erskine, "it's nothing won- derful that a Lamb should grow sheepish." One night p]rskine was coming out of the House of Commons when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him. "Who's up, Erskine ? " " Windham." was the reply. " What's he on?" "His legs." Erskine was colonel of the volunteer corps called "The Law Association." Someone wishing to quiz him told him that his corps was much inferior to the Excise Volunteers, then notoriously the worst in London. " So they ought to be," good- humouredly observed Erskine, " seeing that the Excise people are all Csesars (seizers)." A Witty Definition of Tact. Sidney Godolphin who held office during several successive reigns, and in that of Queen Anne became Lord High Treasurer, and received the title of earl was noted for his tact, his know- ledge of business, and his capacity for making himself useful. Charles II. said of him, " Sidney Godolphin is never in the way, and never out of the way." The First Cake after the Wedding. Young Wije "What's the matter, my dear? Don't you like pound-cake?" , Hiisland (hesitatingly) " Y-e-s, love ! but I don't care for ten- pound cake." Shortly after marriage my wife produced her first cake on a Sunday afternoon, asking me to cut it. As we were alone, I sug- gested we should not cut it, when niy wife said, "Nonsense we can't have it and eat it too." Putting the knife to it I found ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 171 that it was as hard as plaster of Paris. " No," said I, " but it appears likely that we can have it and can't eat it." That cake was rolled about the garden like a grindstone for a week or two, and the fowls must have worn their beaks very much in their efforts to demolish it. Things have improved since then. [20] " I cannot bear to say Farewell ! "and the Reason why. I cannot bear to say Farewell, And yet I know 'tis right, I sniff the dinner's fragrant smell, I have an appetite. But as thou dost not bid me stay, Of course I cannot stop ; So fare thee well my fare to-day, Will be one mutton chop. [1] Joseph Gillott and Turner. One day, Mr Gillott, the well-known pen manufacturer of Birmingham, sallied from his hotel, determined, at any price, to obtain admission to the enchanted house in Queen Anne Street, where Turner lived among his pictures. He was rich, he was enthusiastic, he believed strongly in the power of the golden key to open any door. He arrived at the blistered dirty door of the house with the black-crusted windows. He pulled at the bell ; the bell answered with a querulous melancholy tinkle. There was a long unhospitable pause ; then an old woman, looked up from the area, and presently ascended, and tardily opened the door. She snappishly asked Mr Gillott's business. He told her in his blandest voice. "Can't let e' in," was the answer, and she tried to slam the door. But during the parley the crafty and determined Dives had put his foot in ; and now, refusing to any longer parley, he pushed past the feeble enraged old she-Cerberus, and hurried upstairs to the gallery. In a moment Turner was out upon him like a spider on another spider who has invaded his web. Mr Gillott bowed, introduced himself, and stated that he had come to buy. "Don't want to sell," or some other rebuff, was the answer ; but Gillott shut his ears to all Turner's angry vituperations. " Have you ever seen any of our Birmingham pictures, Mr Turner \ " was his only remark. 172 E\ 7 ERYBODY'S BOOK OF "Never 'eard of 'em," said Turner. Gillott pulled from his pocket a fragile bundle of Birmingham bank-notes (about 5000 worth). ' ' Mere paper," said Turner with grim humour, a little softened, and enjoying the joke. "To be bartered for mere canvas," said Gillott, waving his hands at the ' ' Building of Carthage " and its companions. "You're a rum fellow," said Turner, slowly entering into negotiations, which ended in Gillott's eventually carrying off in his cab some 5000 worth of Turner's pictures. Rude Wit. orne Tooke, who was as rude as he was republican, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied : " Xo, your Majesty ; the fact is, I cannot tell a King from a Knave." Looking Better when Least Seen. A gentleman who imagined that he possessed gifts for the ministry, went to consult the Rev. Rowland Hill on the subject, and talked about "hiding his talents." Mr Hill, who entertained different views of the matter to what the gentleman himself did, intimated that ' ' for his part, he thought the closer he hid them the better." [11] A Promise Defined, Sought, and Obtained. An elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during a contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh," said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for nothing." " If that is the case," rejoined the elector, " I promise you my vote at once." Result of being " Not Under the Law." One of those commonly called Antinomians one day called on Rowland Hill, to call him to account for his too severe and legal gospei. "Do you, sir," asked Rowland, "hold the Ten Commandments to be a rule of life to Christians ? " " Certainly not," replied the visitor. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 1/3 The minister rang the bell, and on the servant making his ap- pearance, he quietly said, "John, show that man the door, and keep your eye on him until he is beyond the reach of every article of wearing apparel, or other property in the hall ! " [11] Johnson on "Derangement." Johnson would not allow the word derange to be an English word. "Sir, "said a gentleman who had some pretensions to literature, " I have seen it in a book." " Not in a bound book," said Johnson ; disarrange is the word we ought to use instead of it" [22] A Lord's Reason for Seeking the Lost Ten Tribes. There was a meeting in the City to receive a report from the society for the discovery of the lost tribes of Israel. Lord was asked to take the chair. "I take," he replied, "a great interest in your researches, gentlemen. The fact is, I have borrowed money from all the Jews now known, and if you can find a new set I shall feel very much obliged." [25] As Green as Two Peas. Two silly brothers, twins, were very much about town in Hook's time ; and they took every pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. " Well," said Hill, " you will admit that they resemble each other wonder- fully : they are alike as two peas." "They are," retorted Hook, " and quite as green ! " [28] An Opposing Counsel Helping to Find Bail. There is an anecdote related of Serjeant Davy, a great lawyer of the last age. A gentleman once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3000. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 3000?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to 2940. "That's all very good, but you want 60 more to be worth 3000. " " For that sum," replied the gentleman, no way disconcerted, " I have a note of hand of one Mr Serjeant Davy, and I hope he will have the honesty aoon to settle it. :? 174 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF The laughter that this reply excited extended even to the bench. The Serjeant looked abashed. And Lord Mansfield observed in his usual urbane tone, " Well, brother Davy, I think we may accept the bail." The Origin of Evil. In the year 1869, when a student at the Nottingham Institute, I observed on a street wall an announcement that a lecture would be delivered at certain Assembly-rooms, by a lady, on the subject of "Love, Courtship and Marriage, Not Understood! and Why ! " The lady was Mrs H L , who at that time was a "Free Thinker." Never having heard a woman speak in public, I resolved to correct that experience, and went. A reserved seat was at my disposal, and, for the sum of sixpence, I secured a seat in the very front row. It was soon apparent that the place was a nest of free-thinkers. After a short interval the lady began to throw what she called light into our dark minds. The substance of all her arguments was that if the Bible had not been written, evil would not have been suggested, and consequently that we should never have known by experience half the evils with which we are now acquainted. Speaking of the Marriage Laws of England, the lecturer said that these should be reversed so far as woman was concerned, and that as regards "obeying" the husband, she "had an agreement with her gentleman beforehand that she shouldn't mean a word of it. " This confession came after an earnest exhortation to the "young people present " to be truthful and sincere before marriage, in order that their lives might be happy afterwards. The lecture being over, a general invitation to a discussion was given by the chairman. Rising, I asked the lady to tell us " where all the evil came from that was in the world before the Bible was written ; " adding that " the evil there described must have existed before it was described, and was therefore not produced by the description." Next I complimented her on the splendid advice she had given to " young people " on honesty and truthfulness before marriage; but, turning on her, I put the question as to " what good she expected to come of her advice, after she had admitted going to church with a lie in her mouth, which although her husband was not deceived by it, had deceived the clergyman who married ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 175 them. Can you," said I, "fairly charge the Bible with having originated this particular evil?" Her replies were evasive generalities, which left both my questions untouched, and I left the room, telling the lecturer that the Bible had lost nothing in my estimation by her remarks, and that the mystery of the origin of evil was a mystery still. [20] The Ruling Passion Strong in Disappointment. "You'll be the Surrey Shakespeare," said a friend to Douglas Jerrold, on the success of Thomas a Becket. " The sorry Shakespeare, you mean," was the quick retort of Jerrold (referring to his poor remuneration). [25] Drawing on His Only Fund Humour. When Archbishop Seeker was enthroned, or soon after, he gave a charge to his clergy, and among other articles, found great fault with the scanty allowance paid to curates. Mr Patten, curate of Whitstable, was there, though not summoned as the primate, afraid of his remarks, had ordered the proctor to leave him out of the list. He appeared greatly pleased with the sentiments of the prelate, and expressed his satisfaction by rising up and bowing to the Archbishop, saying in a loud voice, "I thank your Grace." After the charge was over, the proctor, by mistake, called the Rev. Mr Patten, who, bustling through the crowd, came up to the Archbishop. His Grace, seeing he could not avoid the interview, began with the usual question, " You are, sir, I think, curate of Whitstable ? " To which Patten replied, " I am, may it please your Grace, and have for it received from your Grace's predecessors the paltry sum of 30 per annum only, although the living brings in above " Don't enlarge, Mr Patten," said the Archbishop. " Xo, but I hope your grace will" rejoined the curate. Patten long refused to read the Athanasian Creed. The Archdeacon, reproving him for that omission, told him that his Grace the Archbishop read it. ' ' That may be, " answered Patten. ' ' Perhaps he may believe it, but I don't. He believes at the rate of 7000 per annum, I at that of less than 50." In his last illness, Patten was in great distress, which Dr Seeker 176 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF hearing, sent him ten guineas (angels) by the Archdeacon ; to whom he made the following acknowledgment : "Thank his Grace most heartily, and tell him, now I know him to be a man of God, for I have seen his good angels," [11] Daylight ! A sailor, in describing the first efforts to become nautical, said that just at the close of a dark night he was sent aloft to see if he could see a light. As he was no great favourite with the lieutenant, he was not hailed for some hours. " Aloft there ? " at length was heard from the lieutenant. " Ay, ay, sir ! " "Do you see a light?" "Yes, sir." "What light?" " Daylight, by jingo. " A Madman Saved from Starvation by a Doctor's Wit. In a lunatic asylum, among the more remarkable patients, was one who was with much difficulty saved from inflicting death upon himself by refusing to take any food. He Was under the impression that he was dead, and declared that dead people never eat. It was obvious to all that the issue must soon be fatal if no plan was found out to disabuse him of the absured notion. The humane doctor resident in the establishment bethought him of the following stratagem to save the madman's life. He got half-a-dozen of the attendants dressed up in white shrouds, and their faces and hands rubbed with cfealk, so as to resemble dead men. He then made them march in single tile, with death- like silence, into a room adjoining that of the patient, where they sat down to a hearty meal. The door was purposely left open, that the man who thought he was dead might see them. "Hallo!" cried he presently to an attendant, "who are these ? " " Dead men," was the reply. 1 ' What ! '" said he. ' ' Do dead men eat ? " " To be sure they do. as you see," answered the attendant. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 177 "If that's the case, then," cried he, "I'll join them, for I'm starving." In this way the spell was instantly broken, and the patient saved from death by voluntary starvation. Rochester's Wit Capped by Charles II. 's Humour. The witty Earl of Rochester, the favourite of Charles II., one day had the audacity to inscribe the following epigram on the door of the king's bed-chamber : " Here lies our sovereign lord the king, Whose word no man relies on ; Who never said a foolish thing, And never did a wise one." When the king read the inscription, "True," said he; "my sayings are my own, but my doings are those of my ministers. " Ecclesiastical Learning in the Time of Charles I. The Assembly of Divines, who, in the time of Charles I., were appointed at Westminster to regulate the ecclesiastical govern- ment, and all matters of religion, consisted of a mixture of laymen and divines, Episcopalians, Independents and Presbyterians. For the most part, they were men of little parts and as little learning, and Selden, who was one of the lay-members, used to take great delight in puzzling them by questions and objections beyond their understanding. A writer of that period, who was well acquainted with them and their proceedings, gives this account of Selden and the Assembly: " Mr Selden visits them as the Persians used to see wild asses fight : when the .Commons have tired him with their new law, these brethren refresh him with their mad gospel. They lately were gravelled betwixt Jerusalem and Jericho; they knew not the distance between those two places one said twenty miles, another ten, and at last it was concluded to be seven, for this strange reason, that fish was brought from Jericho to Jerusalem market. Mr Selden smiled, and said perhaps the fish was salt, and so stopped their mouths. " [11] Sydney Smith's Description of Curates. A Curate there is something which excites compassion in the very name of a Curate ! ! ! How many men of Purple, Palaces, and Preferment, can let himself loose against this poor working man of God, we are at a loss to conceive, a learned man in 178 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF a hovel, with sermons and saucepans, lexicons and bacon, Hebrew books and ragged children good and patient a comforter and a preacher the lirst and purest pauper in the hamlet, and yet showing that, in the midst of his worldly misery, he has the heart of a gentleman, and the spirit of a Christian, and the kindness of a, pastor ; and this man, though he has exercised the duties of a clergyman for twenty years though he has most ample testimonies o p conduct from clergymen as respectable as any Bishop though an Archbishop add his name to the list of witnesses, is not good enough for Bishop Marsh ; but is pushed out in the street, with bis wife and children, and his little furniture, to surrender his honour, his faith, his conscience, and his learning or to starve ! . . . Men of very small incomes, be it known to his lordship, have very often very acute feelings ; and a curate trod on feels a pang- as great as when a bishop is refuted. [2] A School for Adults. In Thomas Hood's time there were, of course, no Board Schools. Amongst the foundations for the promotion of National Education, Hood had heard of schools for Adults ; but he doubted of their existence. ... It seemed too whimsical to contemplate fathers and venerable grandfathers, emulating the infant generation, and seeking for instruction in the rudiments. . . . The picture (wrote Hood) notwithstanding is realised ! Elderly people seem to have considered that they will be as awkwardly situated in the other world, as here, without their alphabet, and Schools for Grown Persons to learn to read, are no more Utopian than New Harmony. The following letter from an old gentleman, whose education had been neglected, confirms me in the fact. It is copied verbatim and literatim, from the original which fell into my hands by accident : Black Heath, Srn'eniber, 1827. DEER BROTHER, My honnerd Parents being Both desist I feal my deuty to give you Sum Acount of the Proggress I have maid in my studdys since last Vocation. You will be gratefied to hear I firn at the Hed of my Class, and Tom Hodges is at its bottom, tho He was Seventy last Burth Day, and I am onely going on for Three Skore I have begun Gografy, and do exsizes on the Globs, Infiggers I am all most out the fore Simples and going into Compounds next weak. In the mean time hop you will aprove my Hand riting as well as my spelling, witch I have took grate panes with, as. you desired. As for the French Tung. Mr Legender says I shall soon get the pronunciation ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 17$ as well as a Parishiner, but the Master thinks its not advisible to begin Lattin at my advanced ears. With respecks to my Pearsonal comfits I am verry happy and mid ling Well, xcept the old Cumplant in my To but the Master is so kind as to let me have a Cushion for my feat. If .their is any thing to cumplane of its the Vittles. Our Cook don't understand Maid dishe. Her Currys is xcrabble. Tom Hodges' Foot Man brings him Evry Day soop from Birches. I wish you providid me the same. On the hole 1 wish on menny Acounts I was a Day border partickly as Barlow sleeps in our Room and coffs all nite long. His brother's Ashmy is wus then his. He has took lately to snuff and I have wishes to do the like. It's very dull after Supper since Mr Grierson took away the fellers Pips, and forbid smocking, and allmost raized a Pdot on that hed, and some of the Boys was to have Been horst for it I am happy (to) say I have never been floged as yet and onely Caind once, and that was for damming at the Cook's chops becous they was so overdun, but there was to have been fore Wiped yeaster day for playing Wist in skool hours, but was Begd off on account of their Lum- cargo. I am sorry to say Ponder has had another Stroak of the perry laticks and has no Use of his Lims. He is Parrs fag and Parr has got the Roomytix bysides very bad but luckly its onely stiffind one Arm so he has still Hops to get the Star for Heliocution Poor Dick Coombs eye site has quite gcrne, or he would have a good chance for the Silvur Pen. Mundy was one of the Feller's Burths Days and we was to have a hole Holiday, but he dyed sudnly over nite of the appoplxy, and disappinted us very much. Two moor was fetcht home last Weak so that we are getting very thin partickly when we go out Wauking, witch is seldom more than three at a time, their is allways so menny in the nusry. I forgot to say Garrat run off a month ago, he got verry Home-sick ever since his Grandchilderen cum to sea him at skool, Mr Grierson has expeld him for running away. On Tuesday a new Schollard cum. He is a very old crusty Chap and not much lick'd, for that resin, by the rest of the Boys, whom all Teas him, and call him Phig, because he is a retired Grosser. Mr Grierson declind another New Boy because he hadn't had the Mizzles. I have red Gay's Febbles and the other books you were so kind to send me and would be glad of moor partickly the Gentlemans, with a Welsh Whig and a Worming 180 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF Pan, when you foreword my Closebox with my clean Lining, like wise sum moor Fleasy Hoshery for my legs, and the Cardmums I rit for with the French Grammer, &c. Also weather I am to Dance next quarter. The Gimnystacks is being interdeuced into our Skool, but is so Voilent no one follows them but Old Parr and He cant get up his Pole. I have no more to rit, but hop this letter will find you as Well as me ; Mr Grierson is in Morning for Mr Linly Murry, of whose loss you have herd of xcept which he is in Quite good Helth and desires his Respective Complements with witch I remane, YOUR DECTIFUL AND LOVING BROTHER. P.S. Barlow and Phigg have just had a fite in the yard about calling names and Phegg has pegged Barlows tooth out, But it was loose before. Mr G. dont allow Puglism, if he nose it among the Boys, as at their Times of Hfes it might be fatle, partickly from puling their Coats of in the open Are. Our new Husher his cum and is verry well Red in his Mother's tung, witch is the mane thing with Beginers, but We wish the Frentch Master was changed on Acount of his Pollyticks and Religun. Brassbrige and him is always Squabling about Bonny- party and the Pop of Room. Has for Barlow we cant tell weather He is a Wig or Tory, for he cant express his Sentymints for Coffing. [31] Sydney Smith's Description of the Irish Clergy. The revenue of the Irish Roman Catholic Church is made of halfpence, potatoes, rags, bones, and fragments of old clothes, .and those Irish old clothes. They worship often in hovels, or in the open air, from the want of any place of worship. Their religion is the religion of three-fourths of the population ! Not far off, in a well-windowed and well-roofed house, is a well-paid Protestant clergyman, preaching to stools and hassocks, and crying ^n the wilderness; near him the clerk, near him the sexton, near him the sexton's wife furious against the errors of Popery, and willing to lay down their lives for the great truths established .at the Diet of Augsburg. [2] A Typical Wooer. It was a young maiden went forth to ride. And there was a wooer to pace by her side : His horse was so little and hers so high, He thought his angel was up in the sky. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR 181 His love was great tho' his wit was small ; He bade her ride easy and that was all. The very horses began to neigh, Because their betters had nought to say. They rode by elm, and they rode by oak, They rode by a church-yard, and then he spoke : " My pretty maiden, if you'll agree You shall always amble through life with me." The damsel answer'd him never a word, But kicked the gray mare, and away she spurr'd. The wooer still follow'd behind the jade ; And enjoyed like a, wooer the dust she made. They rode thro' moss, and they rode thro' moor,- The gallant behind and the lass before : And at last they came to a miry place, And there the sad wooer gave up the chase. Quoth he, " If my nag were better to ride, I'd follow her over the world so wide. Oh, it is not my love that begins to fail, But I've lost the last glimpse of the grey mare's tail ! " [31] A Gallant Schoolboy's Clever Toast. The Girls ! May they add charity to beauty, subtract envy from friendship, multiply genial affections, divide time by in- dustry and recreation, reduce scandal to its lowest denominator, and raise virtue to its highest power. Sheridan's Ability Doubted by His Son. The late R. Brinsley Sheridan threatened to cut his son off with a shilling. He immediately replied : " Ah, father, but where will you borrow that shilling ? " This humour, so like his own, procured the desired pardon. Sydney Smith on Official Accuracy (Couleur de "Rose.") The term official accuracy has of late days become one of very ambiguous import. Mr Kose, we can see, would imply by it the highest possible accuracy as we see office pens advertised in the window of a shop, by way of excellence. The public reports of those, however, who have been appointed to look into the manner in which public offices are conducted, by no means justify this 182 E } 'ER YBOD Y'S BOOK OF usago of the term ; and we are not without apprehensions, that Dutch politeness, Carthaginian faith, Bceotian genius, and official accuracy, may be terms equally current in the world ; and that Mr Rose may, without intending it, have contributed to make this valuable addition to the mass of our ironical phraseology. [2) " I'd Like to be a Parson ! " A curate once did a good thing in his way. While walking along the street at the dinner-hour he passed a lot of bricklayers smoking their after-dinner pipe, and heard one of them say : I'd like to be a parson, and have naught to do but walk about in a long black coat, and carry a walking stick in my fist, and get a lot of brass." Of course there was a laugh at the parson's expense, but he turned sharp round and replied : ' So you'd like to be a parson. How much do you get a week ? '' "Twenty-seven shillings," was the reply. 'Well/ said the curate, "though I'm only a poor man, I'll give you twenty-seven shillings, if you'll come along with me for six days, and see how you like it. Then you'll be better able to talk about it." The bricklayer tried to back out of it, but his mates told him : " Nay man, thou saidst thou'd like it ; thou mun go with the parson chap '' So he put on his coat and started with the curate, amidst a roar of laughter. The parson presently turned down an alley, and told his companion that they were going to see a sick man, and that he must mind not to make a noise going upstairs. ''What might be the matter with him?" asked the brick- layer. ' Small-pox ! " said the parson. 1 Oh, then," said the man, "I'll just wait outside for you, sir, for I've not had it myself, and I've got a wife and children to think of," "That's exactly my case," said the curate; "for I have not had it, and I have a wife and children depending on me. Bat you agreed to come with me wherever I went." The man of bricks began not to like it, and after a moment's hesitation he asked ' And where are you going next ? '' ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 183 The parson told him they would have to visit another house that day, where the father lay in his coffin, and all the family were down with scarlet-fever, and also a house where there was typhus, and on the morrow there would be a longer round. This floored the bricklayer. "Sir," he said, " I'll go back to my old job, if you please, and I'll say no more agin you parsons." So off he went, and, let us hope, he kept his word. Difference Between a " Board " and a " Bench." A Dissenting minister once complaining of the dealing he met with from an ecclesiastical board, to Rowland Hill, observed that "for his part he did not see the difference between a board and a bench, meaning that the rule of his board was as stringent as that of the bishops. " Pardon me, my friend," replied Hill, "I will show you a most essential difference between the two ; a board is a bench that has no legs to stand upon." [11] A Tribute to Scotch Frugality. Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar dying in the streets of Scotland, "I believe, sir, you are very right," says Johnson ; " but this does not arise from the want of beggars, but the difficulty of starving a Scotchman." [22] Charles II. Floored by Stillingfleet. Charles II. was altogether in favour of extemporaneous preach- ing, and was unwilling to listen to the delivery of written sermons. On one occasion he asked the famous Stillingfleet how it was that he always read his sermons before the court, when he preached without book elsewhere ? Stillingfleet answered something about the awe of so noble a congregation and the presence of so great and wise a prince, with which the king appeared very well satisfied. "But pray," continued Stillingfleet, "will your majesty give me leave to ask you a question ? Why do you read your'speeches when you can have none of the same reasons ? " "Why, truly, doctor," answered the king, "your speech is a very pertinent one, and so will be my answer. I have asked the 184 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF two Houses so often, and for so much money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face." Witty Impromptu. Three or four wits had dined together, and while taking their wine, the subject of impromptu, and the difficulty of finding rhymes for certain names, was discussed. A general of brigade named Morris, who was also a poet, challenged any of the party to find a rhyme for his name. The challenge was accepted by an actor present, named Brougham, and the following was the result : " All hail to thee, thou gifted son, The warrior-poet, Morris ; "Pis seldom that we see in one, A Csesar and a Horace." "Agricultural" Boys. Someone was praising the British public schools to Charles Lamb, and said : " All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's Byron, he was a Harrow boy " " Yes," interrupted Charles, " and there's Burns he was a ploughboy." How a Preacher both Broke and Kept His Promise. The Rev. Mr Adams, of Leominster,"was an eccentric character. A neighbouring minister a mild, inoffensive man with whom he was about to exchange, said to him, knowing the peculiar blunt- ness of his character "You will find some panes of glass broken in the pulpit window, and possibly you may suffer from the cold. The cushion, too, is in a bad condition ; but I beg of you not to say anything to my people on the subject ; they are poor," &c. " Oh no ! Oh no ! " said Mr Adams. But ere he left home, he filled a bag with rags, and took it with him. When he had been in the pulpit a short time, feeling somewhat incommoded by the too free circulation of air, he deliberately took from the bag a handful or two of rags, and stuffed them into the window. To- wards the close of his discourse, which was more or less upon the duties of a people towards their clergyman, he became very animated, and purposely brought down both fists with a tremend- ous force upon the pulpit cushion. The feathers flew in all directions, and the cushion was pretty much used up. He instantly checked the current of his thought, and simply exclaim- ing, " Why, how these feathers fly ! " proceeded with his sermon. ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 185 He had fulfilled his promise of net addressing the society on the subject, but had taught them a lesson not to be misunderstood. On the next Sabbath the window and cushion were found in excellent repair. [11] Tom Sheridan's Adventure. Tom Sheridan was staying at Lord Craven's, at Benham (or rather Hampstead), and one day proceeded on a shooting excursion, like Hawthorne, with only "his dog and his gun," on foot, and un- attended by companion or keeper ; the sport was bad the birds few and shy -and he walked and walked in search of game, until, unconsciously, he entered the domain of some neighbouring squire. A very short time after, he perceived advancing towards him at the top of his speed, a jolly, comfortable-looking gentleman, followed by a servant, armed, as it appeared, for conflict. Tom took up a position, and waited the approach of the enemy. "Hallo ! you, sir,'"' said the squire, when within half earshot, " what are you doing here, sir, eh ? " " I'm shooting, sir," said Tom. " Do you know where you are, sir ? " said the squire. " I'm here, sir," said Tom. " Here, sir," said the squire, growing angry ; "and do you know where here is, sir ? These, sir, are my manors ; what d'ye think of that, sir, eh ? " "Why, sir, as to your manners," said Tom, " I can't say they seem over agreeable." " I don't want any jokes, sir," said the squire. " I hate jokes. Who are you, sir ? what are you ? " "Why sir," said Tom, "my name is Sheridan I am staying at Lord Craven's I have come out for some sport I have not had any, and I am not aware that I am trespassing." "Sheridan ! '' said the squire, cooling a little ; " oh, from Lord Craven's, eh ? Well, sir, I could not know that, sir, I' " No, sir,'' said Tom, " but you need not have been in a passion. " " Not in a passion ! Mr Sheridan," said the squire, ' you don't know, sir, what these preserves have cost me, and the pains and trouble I have been at with them ; it's all very well for you to talk, but if you were in my place I should like to know what yon would say upon such an occasion. " 186 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF 1 Why, sir," said Tom, " if I were in your place, under all the circumstances, I should say ' I am convinced, Mr Sheridan, you did not mean to annoy me ; and as you look a good deal tired, perhaps you will come up to my house and take some re- freshment ! ' " The squire was hard hit by this nonchalance, and (as the news- papers say), " it is needless to add," acted on Sheridan's suggestion. "So far," said poor Tom, "the story tells forme now you shall hear the sequel." After having regaled himself at the squire's house, and having said five hundred more good things than he swallowed ; having delighted his host, and more than half won the hearts of his wife and daughters, the sportsman proceeded on his return homewards. In the course of his walk he crossed a farm, on which was a green, in the centre of which was a pond ; in the pond were ducks innumerable swimming and diving ; on its verdant banks a motley group of gallant cocks and pert partlets, picking and feeding. The farmer was leaning over the hatch of the barn, which stood near two cottages on the side of the green. Tom hated to go back with an empty bag ; and having failed in his attempts at higher game, it struck him as a good joke to ridicule the exploits of the day himself, in order to prevent any- one else from doing it for him, and he thought that to carry home a certain number of the domestic inhabitants of the pond and its vicinity would serve the purpose admirably. Accordingly, up he goes to the farmer and accosts him civilly. "My good friend," says Tom, " I'll make you an offer." " Of what, sur ? " says the farmer. "Why," replies Tom, "I've been out all day fagging after birds and haven't had a shot. Now, both my barrels are loaded I should like to take home something ; what shall I give you to let me have a shot with each barrel at those ducks and fo wls I standing here and to have whatever I kill ? " " What sort of shot are you ? " said the farmer. : ' Fairish," said Tom, " fairish." "And to have all you kill ' " said the farmer, "eh (" " Exactly so," Sciid Tom. '' Half a guinea/' said the farmer. "That's too much," said Tom. " I'll tell you what TH do III ENGLISH WIT AX D HUMOUR. 187 give you a seven -shilling piece, which happens to be all the money I have in my pocket. " " Well," said the man, "hand it over." The r-ayment was made Tom, true to his bargain^ took his post b} the barn door, and let fly with one barrel and then with the other ; and such quacking and splashing, and screaming and fluttering had never been seen in that place before. Away ran Tom. and, delighted at his success, picked up first a hen, then a chicken, then fished out a dying duck or two, and so on, until he numbered eight head of domestic game, with which his bag was nobly distended. "Those were right good shots, sir," said the farmer "Yes," said Tom, " eight ducks and fowls were more than you bargained for, old fellow worth rather more, I suspect, than seven shillings, eh ? " "Why, yes," said the man, scratching his head, <( 1 think they b ; but what do I care for that they are none of them mine ! '' " Here," said Tom, " I was for once in my life beaten and made off as fast as I could, for fear the right owner of my game might make his appearance not but that I could have given the fellow that took me in, seven times as much as I did, for his cunning an ? coolness." [28] A Prisoner Pleading for His Lawyer, Judge : " Have you anything to say before the court passes sentence upon you ! " Prisoner : " Well, all I've to say is, I hope yer honour '11 consider the extreme youth of my lawyer, an' let me off easy." Using His Wit to Hide His Ignorance The clerk of a retired parish in North West Devon, who had tc read the first lesson, always used to make a hash of Shadracb, Meshach, and Abednego , and as the names are twelve times repeated in the third chapter of Daniel, after getting through rave face. He had become a fighter with a keener weapon than his dirk had ever proved, when, one day strolling eastward, possibly from the office of his o\va newspaper to thj printing premises of Messrs Bradbury & Evans, in Whitefriars, he was suddenly struck with the form and face of a baker, who, with his load of bread at his back, was examining some object in the window of the surgical-instrument maker who puzzles so many inquisitive passers-by, near the entrance to King's College. There was no mistake Even the flour dredge could not hide the fact. The ex-midshipman walked nimbly to the baker's side, and, rapping him sharply upon the back, said, " I say, my iriend, don't you think you have been rather a long time about that fruit ? " The deserter's jaw fell. Thirty years had not calmed the unquiet suggestions of his conscience. He remembered the fruit and the little middy, for he said, " Lor' ! is it you, sir ?" The midshipman went on his way laughing. [25] Theodore Hook's Power of Improvisation. Words cannot do justice to Theodore Hook's talent for im- provisation : it was perfectly wonderful. He was one day sitting at the pianoforte, singing an extempore song as fluently as if he had had the words and music before him, when Moore happened to look into the room, and Hook instantly introduced a long parenthesis, ENGLISH WIT AND HUMOUR. 191 "And here's Mr Moore, Peeping in at the door," &c. [30] Fragmentary Classical Fun. The characteristics of an epigram were once most emphatically laid down thus : " Omne epigramma sit instar apis, sit aculeus illi, Sint sua mella, sit et corporis exigui ; " which have been variously rendered, thus : " The qualities rare in a bee that we meet, In an epigram never should fail : The body should always be little and sweet And a sting should be left in its tail ; " or, better still, perhaps, " An epigram should be, if right, Short, simple, pointed, keen, and bright A lively little thing Like wasp with taper body, bound By lines not many neat and round, All ending in a sting." Here is an epigram from Martial's first book, which certainly complies with this rule : " I love thee not ; but why I can't display ; I love thee not, is all that I can say." In imitation of this epigram, an Oxford wit wrote the following on Dr John Fell, Bishop of Oxford, who died in 1686 : " I do not love thee, Doctor Fell, The reason why I cannot tell ; But this I'm sure I know full well, I do not love thee, Doctor Fell." Here is an epigram where, as is not always or often the case, the play on words can be preserved. It is translated by Mr Theodore Martin, and may be called : Security. Dear Furius, you may rest assured My country house is well secured. How ? With good timber , stone and plaster, From wind, and rain, and all disaster 'I 192 EVERYBODY'S BOOK OF Ah no, but by a certain skin Which is encased in painted tin ; It is secured for money lent To a curst son of ten-per-cent. The house was mortgaged f Martial nattered* Doniitian ; but Ben Jonson out-Martialed Martial To Martial's Ghost. Martial, thou gav'st far nobler epigrams To thy Domitian than I to my James ; But in my royal subject I pass thee. Thou flatteredst thine ; mine cannot flattered be '. Here is one of Martial's happiest sketches, consummately rendered by Addison. It is from Book xii. : " In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow, Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow ; Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, There is no living with thee or without thee." It is thought that this epigram might have suggested Gold- smith's sketch of Garrick's character in the epigrammatic poem " Retaliation : " "Our Garrick's a salad ; for in him we see Oil, vinegar, sugar, and saltness agree." [32] "Fast" Day. An eccentric dominie, Matthew Byles, seems to have been as inveterate a joker as Sydney Smith. Upon a Fast-day, Dr Byles had negotiated an exchange with a country clergyman. Upon the appointed morning each of them for vehicles were not common then proceeded on horseback to his respective place of appointment. Dr Byles no sooner observed his brother clergy- man approaching at a distance, than he applied the whip, put his horse into a gallop, and with his canonicals flying all abroad, passed his friend at full run. " What is the matter ?" he ex- claimed, raising his hand in astonishment; " why so fast, Brother Bylesf" To which the doctor, without slackening his speed, replied over his shoulder, " It is Fast-day ! " [11]