^Y, 
 
 ANGELES. CALIF. 

 
 B E L L's 
 
 BRITISH THEATRE. 
 
 VOLUME TH* EIGHTH.

 
 BRITIS r H^THEATRE ; 
 
 If tT 
 
 ^/^// /
 
 > 4 | 
 /."* 
 
 B E L L's 
 
 I BRITISH THEATRE, 
 
 Confining of the tnoft eileemed 
 
 ENGLISH PLAYS. 
 
 VOLUME THE EIGHTH. 
 Being the Fourth VOLUME of COMEDIES. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 The FUNERAL, by Sir RICHARD STEELE. 
 LOVE FOR LOVE, by WILLIAM CONGREVE, Efq. 
 The CAHF.T.KRS HUSBAND, by COLLEY CiBBER, 
 
 Efq. 
 
 The TENDER HUSBAND, by Sir RICH. STEELE. 
 The BUSY BoDYbft MTS-CENTLIVRE. 
 
 LONDONs 
 
 printed for JOHN BELL, at the Britifh Library, Strand. 
 
 M DCC LXXX.

 
 *4av: 
 
 Csrtf 
 
 i/otv riots >
 
 E L L'S EDITION. 
 THE 
 
 F U N E R A L; 
 
 O R, 
 
 GRIEF A-LA-MODE. 
 
 A COMEDY, 
 
 As written ly Sir RICHARD STEELS. 
 
 DISTINGUISHING ALSO TK2 
 
 VARIATIONS OF THE THEATRE, 
 
 A3 HIRFORMZD AT THE 
 
 tEijcittre^lcyal in SDiur^lUme. 
 
 Regulatec from the Prcmpt-Book, 
 
 By PERMISSION of the MANGERS, 
 
 By Mr. HOPKINS, Prompter. 
 
 T/f ?aj eondufii florant infunere dicurt, 
 
 Stfaeuittfrofriflura ddcntibus ex anma ; fa 
 
 Veriftr very flus tavdetare mwetur. Ho x 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 i-inteJ for JOHN BELL, near Rxeter-Enkanp, in 
 r.d C. E TKKK INGTON, ac JVii
 
 C 3 3 
 
 To the Right Honourable the 
 
 COUNT ESS 
 
 O F 
 
 ALBEMARLE. 
 
 MADAM, 
 
 AMONG the many novelties with which your Lady- 
 (hip, a ftranger in our nation, is daily entertained, 
 you have not yet been made acquainted with the poetical 
 Englifh liberty, the right of dedication : which entitles 
 us to a privilege of celebrating whatever for its nativ 
 excellence is the juft objeft of praife ; and is an ancient 
 charter, by which the mufes have always a free accefs to 
 the habitation of the graces, 
 
 Hence it is, that this comedy waits on your ladyfliip, 
 and prefumes to welcome you amongft us ; though in- 
 deed, Madam, we are furprifed to fee you bring with 
 you, what we thought was of our growth only, an 
 agreeable beauty: nay, we muft affure you, that we 
 cannot give up fo dear an article of our glory, but aflert 
 it by our right in you : tor if it is a maxim founded on 
 the nobleft human law, that of hofpitality, that every 
 foil is a brave man's country, England has a very julfc 
 pretence of claiming as a native, a daughter of Mr. 
 Scravenmore. 
 
 A 2 But
 
 * 1 
 
 But your Ladyfhip is not only endeared to us by the 
 great fervices of your father, but alfo by the kind offices 
 of your hufband, vvhofe frank carriage falls in with our 
 genius, which is free, open, and unreferved. In this 
 the generoiity of your tempers makes you both excel 
 iafo peculiar a manner, that your good actions are their 
 own reward ; nor can they be returned with ingratitude, 
 for none can forget the benefits you confer fo foon as you 
 do yourfelves. 
 
 Hut ye have a more indifputable title to a dramatic 
 performance, than all thefe advantages ; for you are 
 yourfelves, in a degenerate low age, the nobleft charac- 
 ters which that fine paffion that fupports the itage has 
 infplred ; and as you have praclifed as generous a fide- 
 lity as the fancies of poets have ever drawn in their ex- 
 pecting lovers, fo may you enjoy as high a profperity as 
 ever they have bellowed on their rewarded : this you 
 may poiiefs in an happy fecurity, for your fortunes can- 
 not move fo much envy, as your perfon's love. I am, 
 
 Madam, 
 
 .Tfour Ladyfhip's moil devoted 
 Humble fervant, 
 
 RICHARD STEELE,
 
 I 5 3 
 
 PREFACE; 
 
 THE rehearfal of this comedy was honoured with the- 
 prefence of the duke of Devonfhire, who is as dif- 
 tinguiflied by his fine understanding as high quality ; the 
 innocence of it moved him to the humanity of expref- 
 fing himfelf in its favour. 'Tis his manntr to be pleafed 
 where he is not offended ; a condefcenfion which delicate 
 fpirits are obliged to for their own eafe, for they would 
 have but a very ill time of it, if they fuftcred themfelves 
 - to be diverted with nothing but what could bear their 
 judgment. 
 
 That elegant and illuftrious perfon, will, I hope, 
 pardon my gratitude to the town, which obliges me to 
 report fo fubftantial a reafon for their approbation of this 
 play, as that he permitted it : but I know not in what 
 words to thank my fellow-foldiers for their warmth and 
 zeal m my behalf, nor to what to attribute their uncle- 
 ferved favour, except it be, that 'tis habitual to them to 
 run to the fuccour of thofe they lee in danger. 
 
 The fubjeft of the drama, 'tis hoped, will be accept- 
 able to all lovers of mankind, fmce ridicule is partly 
 levelled at a fet of people who live in impatient hopes to : 
 fee us out of the world, a flock of ravens that attend 
 this numerous city for their carcales ; but indeed, 'tis 
 not in the power of -any pen to fpeak them better than 
 they do themfelves: as for example, on a door, Ijuft 
 now pail by, a great artilt thus informs' us of his cures 
 upon the dead. 
 
 " W. W. Known and approved for his art of em- 
 
 balming, having preferved the corps of a gentlewomaa 
 
 A 3 fweet
 
 I fi ] 
 
 fweet and entire thirteen years, without embovvelling, 
 and has reduced the bodies of feveral perfons of quality 
 to fweetnefs in Flanders and Ireland, after nine months 
 putrefaction in the ground, and they were known by 
 their friends in England. No man performeth the 
 like." 
 
 He muft needs be itrangely in love with this life, who 
 is not touched with this kind invitation to be pickled ; 
 and the noble operator muft be allowed a very ufeful 
 perlbn tor bringing old friends together ; nor would it be 
 unworthy his labour to give us an account at large of 
 the fweet converfation that arofe upon meeting fuch an 
 entire friend as he mentions. 
 
 But to be ferious ; is there any thing, but its being 
 downright fact, could make a rational creature believe 
 'cwere poffible to arrive at this fimtaiHc pofthumous 
 folly ? Not at the fame time but that it were buffoonery 
 rather than fatire, to explode all funeral honours ; but 
 then it is certainly neceflary to make them fuch, that the 
 mourners fhould be in earnelt, and the lamented worthy 
 of our forrow : but this purpofe is fo far from being 
 ferved, that it is utterly deilroyed by the manner of 
 proceeding among us, where the oblequies, which are 
 due only to the be$ and higheft of human race (to ad- 
 mcnifii their fnort furvivors, that neither wit nor valour, 
 nor wiidom, nor glory, can fuipend our fate) are pro- 
 ftituted, and beftowed upon fuch as have nothing in com- 
 mon with men, but their mortality. 
 
 But the dead man is not to pals off fo eafily, for his 
 laft thoughts are aifo to fuifer direction, and it feems 
 there is no art to be learned to fpeak our own fenfe in 
 other men's words, and a man in a gown, that never faw 
 his face, (hall tell you immediately the defign of the de- 
 ceafed, better than all his old acquaintance ; which is fo 
 perreclan Hocus Pocus, that without you can repeat fuch 
 and fuch words, you cannot convey what is in your hands 
 into another's ; but far be it from any man's thought to 
 fay there are not men of ilril integrity of the long robe, 
 inough it is not every body's good fortune to meet with 
 them. 
 
 How-
 
 C 7 3 
 
 However the daily legal villainies we fee committed, 
 will alfo be efteemed things proper to be profecuted by 
 fatire, nor could our enfuing legiflatives do their coun- 
 try a more feafonable office, than to look into the dif- 
 trefles of an unhappy people, who groan perhaps in as 
 much mifery under entangled, as they could do under 
 broken laws ; nor could there be a reward high enough 
 affigned for a great genius, if fuch may be found, who 
 has capacity fufficient to glance through the falfe colours 
 that are put upon us, and propofe to the Englilh world, 
 a method of making juftice flow in an uninterrupted 
 ftream ; there is fo clear a mind in being, whom we will 
 name in words, that of all men breathing can be only faid 
 of him : 'tis he that is excellent. 
 
 Sen linguam caufis acuit^ feu civica jura, 
 Refponfare par at, feu condit amabile carmen, 
 
 Other enemies that may rife againft this poor play are 
 indeed lefs terrible, but much more powerful than thefe, 
 and they are the ladies ; but if there is any thing that 
 argues a fowered man, who laflies all for lady Brumpton ; 
 we may hope there will be feen alfo a devoted heart, that 
 efteems all for lady Chariot. 
 
 PRO.
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 T 
 f 
 j 
 
 e's dtfcrtfd, and drarriati\: art, 
 To dazzle no-rv the eye, has left the heart ; 
 Gay lights and dreffcs, long extended fienes t 
 J)ffmons and Angela moving in machines ; 
 All that can now, or pleafe, or fright the fair 9 
 May be performed without a writer's care, 
 And is the Jkill of carpenter, not player. 
 Old Shakefpeare's days could not thus far eufoatice ; 
 But what's his bnjkin to our ladder dance ? 
 In the mid region ajllkyouth toftand, 
 With that unwieldy engine at command ! 
 Gorg'd with intemperate meals white her e you Jit t 
 Well may you take activity fir wit : 
 Fye t let confufion onfuch dttlnefsfeixe ; 
 Blujbyou'refo pleas' d, as we tbatfo ivepleafe. 
 But we, Jtill kind to your inverted fenfe^ 
 Do mqft unnatural things once more difpexfe* 
 For Jince you'rejlillprepofirous in delight ', "\ 
 
 Our author made, a full houfe to invite y > 
 
 A funeral comedy to-night, J 
 
 Nor does be fear that you will take the hint^ 
 And let the funeral his own be meant ; 
 No, in Old England nothing can beivoic 
 Without a faftion, good or ill be done ; 
 To own (his our frank author dots not fear ; 
 But hopes for a prevailing party here : 
 
 He knaves h'has nufifrous fritvds, nay, knows they'll JhtW rV, 
 And for the fcllow-foldier fave the fact. 
 
 DRA-
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Drury-Lane. 
 
 Covent-Garden* 
 
 Lord Brumpton, Mr. Branfby. 
 Lord//r^,fon to 
 Lord frumpton, Mr. Cautherley. 
 Mr. Cimpley, Mr. Dodd. 
 
 Mr. Clarke. 
 
 Mr. Wroughton* 
 Mr. Lewis. 
 
 Mr.y"r/?y,fteward 
 
 
 to Ld. Brumpton, Mr. Packer. . 
 
 Mr. Hull. 
 
 Cabinet. 
 
 
 Mr. Sable, an un- 
 
 
 dertaker, Mr. Moody. 
 
 Mr. Quick. 
 
 Puzzle, a lawyer, Mr. Baddeley. 
 
 Mr. Dunftall, 
 
 Trim, fervant to 
 
 
 \A. Hardy, Mr. King, 
 
 Mr. Wilfon. 
 
 Tom, the lawyer's 
 
 
 clerk, Mr. Waldron. 
 
 Mr. Jones* 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Lady Brumpton, Mrs. Hopkins. Mifs Barfantl. 
 
 Ly. Chariot, an or- 
 phan, left in ward 
 to Ld. Brumpton, Mifs Young. Mifs Macklin. 
 
 Lady Harriet, her 
 
 fifter, Mrs. Abington. Mrs. Bulkley. 
 
 Mademoifelle 
 
 d'Epingle, Mrs. Crofs. Mifs Valois. 
 
 Tattelaid, Mrs. Love. Mrs. Pitt. 
 
 Mrs. Fardlngale, Mrs. Bradfliaw. Mrs. Green. 
 
 Kate Matchlock, Mr. Griffith. 
 
 Vifitant Ladies, Sable's Servants, Recruits, &c, 
 SCENE, Covtttt-Gar&n.. 
 
 THE
 
 f 3 
 
 THE 
 
 FUNERAL. 
 
 Tie llnei dijilnguijhed by inverted ecmaf, ( (but,'' art ctifilted In tl e 
 reprtfettation. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Enter Cabinet, Sable, and Campley. 
 
 CABINET. 
 
 IBurft into laughter. I can't bear to fee writ over a 
 an undertaker's door, drefles for the dead, and necef- 
 faries for funerals ! ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Sab. Well, gentlemen, 'tis very well, I know you are of 
 the laughers, the wits that take the liberty to deride all 
 things that are magnificent and folemn. 
 
 * Cam. Nay, but after all, I can't but admire Sable's 
 nice difcerning on the fuperfluous cares of mankind, 
 that could lead them to the thought of railing an eftate 
 by providing horfes, equipage, and furniture, for thofe 
 that no longer need 'em . 
 
 * Cab. But is it not ftrangely contradictory, that men 
 can come to fo open, fo apparent an hypocrify, as in 
 the face of all the world, to hire profefled mourners to 
 grieve, lament, and follow in their Head, the neareft re- 
 lations, and fuborn others to do by art, what they them- 
 felves (hould be prompted to by nature ? 
 
 * Sab. That's reasonably enough fiiid, but they regard 
 themfelves only in all they aft ; for the deceas'd, and 
 the poor dead are deliver'd to my cuftody, to be em- 
 balm'd, flafli'd, cut, and dragg'd about, not to do them 
 honour, but tofatisty the vanity or intercil of their fur- 
 vivors.* 
 
 Cam.
 
 iz THE FUNERAL. 
 
 ' Cam. This fellow's everyway an undertaker ! how 
 -well and luckily he talks ! his prating fo aptly, has, 
 methinks, fomething more ridiculous in it, than if he 
 were abfurd !' \Apdeto Cabinet. 
 
 Cab. But, < as Mr. Campley fays,' how could you 
 dream of making a fortune from fo chimerical a founda- 
 tion, as the provilion of things wholly needlefs and infig- 
 nificant ? 
 
 Sab. Alas, Sir, the value of all things under the fun is 
 merely fantaftic : we run, we ftrive, and purchafe things 
 with our blood and money, quite foreign to our intrinfic 
 realhappinefs, and which have a being in imagination on- 
 ly, as you may fee by the pother that is made about pre- 
 cedence, titles, court-favour, maidenheads and china- 
 ware. 
 
 Cam. Ay, Mr. Sable, but all thofe are objects that pro- 
 mote our joy, are bright to the eye, or flamp upon our 
 minds, pleafure and felf-fat is faction. 
 
 Sal. You are extremely miftakeo, Sir ; for one would 
 wonder, toconnder that after all our outcries again ft felf- 
 interefted men, there are few, .very few in the whole world 
 that live to themfelves, but facririce their bofom-blifs to 
 enjoy a vain fhow and appearance of profperity in the eyes 
 of others; and there is often nothing more inwardly dif- 
 trefs'd, than a young bride in her glittering retinue, or 
 deeply joyful, than a young widow in her weeds and black 
 train ; of both which, the lady of this houfe may be an in- 
 ftance, for Ihe has been the one, and is, I'll be iworn, the 
 other. 
 
 Cat. You talk, Mr. Sable, mod learnedly. 
 
 Sab. I have the deepeft learning, Sir, experience : re- 
 member your widow-counn, that inarried laft month. 
 
 Cab. Ay, but how cou'd you imagine file was in all that 
 grief an hypocrite ! could ail thofe fhrieks, thofe fwoon- 
 ings, that rifing falling bofom be conftrain'd ? You're un- 
 charitable, Sabie, to believe it j what colour, what rculou 
 had you for it ? 
 
 Sal. Firft, Sir, her carriage in her concerns with me,, 
 for I never yet could meet with a forrowful relict, bur was 
 herfelf enough to make a hard bargain with me. Yet I 
 muft contefsthey have frequent imcrrupiioub of grief and 
 
 forrow
 
 THE FUNERAL. 13 
 
 Borrow when they read my bill ; but as for her, nothing, 
 flie refolv'd, thatlook'd brighter joyous fliould after her 
 love's death approach her. All her fervants that were not 
 coal black mud turn out; a fair complexion made her 
 eyes and heart ake, fhe'd none but downright jet, and to 
 exceed all example, flie hir'd ray mourning furniture by 
 the year, and in cafe of my mortality ty'd my fon to the 
 fame article ; fo in fix weeks time ran away with a young 
 
 fellow Pry'thee, pufla on brilkly, Mr. Cabinet, now is 
 
 your time to have this widow, for Tattleaid tells me, flie 
 always faid fhe'd never marry 
 
 Cab. As you fay, that's generally the moil hopeful 
 fign. 
 
 Sal. I tell you, Sir, 'tis an infallible one ; you know 
 thote pro-felfions are only to introduce difcourfe of matri- 
 mony and young fellows- 
 
 Cab. But I (wear I could not have confidence, * ev'n 
 
 * after all our long acquaintance, and the mutual love 
 
 * which, his lordihip (who indeed has now been fo kind as 
 
 * to leave us) has fo long interrupted,' to mention a thing 
 of fuch a nature fo unleafonably 
 
 Sab. Unfeafonably ! why I tell you 'tis the only feafon 
 (granting her forrow un feign 'd :) when would you fpeak 
 of paffion, but in the midft of paffions ? there's a what d'ye 
 call, a criiis the lucky minute, that's fo talk'd of, is a 
 moment between joy and grief, which you mull take hold 
 of, and pufh your fortune. But get you in, and you'll bed 
 read your fate in the reception Mrs. Tattleaid gives you : 
 all (he fays, and all flie does, nay, her very love and ha- 
 tred are mere repetitions of her lady (hip's pailions : I'll fay 
 that for her, (he's a true lady's woman, and is herfelf as 
 much a fecond-hand thing, as her cloaths. But I mull beg 
 your pardon, Sir, my people are come, I fee {.v//Cab. 
 
 Enter Sable's Men. 
 
 Where in the naine of goodnefs have you all been ! have 
 you brought the faw-duft and tar for embalming ? have 
 you the hangings and the fixpenny naits, and my lord's 
 soatofarms ? 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Yes, Sir, srnd had come fooner, but I went to the 
 
 herald's for a coat for Alderman Gathcr^reafe that died 
 
 B iaft
 
 I* T H E F U N E R A L, 
 
 laft night he has promifed to invent one againil to- 
 morrow. 
 
 Sub. Ah ! pox take fome of our cits, the firft thing after 
 
 their death is to take care of their birth pox, let him 
 
 bear a pair of (lockings, he is the firft of his family that 
 verwore one; well, come you that are to be mourners 
 in this houfe put on your fad looks, and walk by me that 
 I may fort you. Ha, you ! a little more upon the difmal ; 
 [forming their countenances ] this fellow has a good mor- 
 tal look place him near the corps : that wainfcot face 
 mud be o'top of the flairs ,- that fellow's almoftin a fright 
 (that looks as if he were full-of fome (Irange mifery) at 
 the entrance of the hall So but I'll fix you all myfelf 
 Let's have no laughing now on any provocation : 
 [makes faces.] Look yonder, that haie well-looking pup- 
 py ! You ungrateful fcoundrel, did not I pity you, take 
 you out of a great man's fen-ice, and (hew you the plea- 
 fure of receiving wages ? Did not I give you ten, then 
 fifteen, now twenty (hillings a week, to be forrowful? and 
 the more I give you, I think, the gladder you are. 
 
 Enter a Bty. 
 
 Bey. Sir, the grave-digger of St. Timothy's in the 
 fields would fpeak with you. 
 +$ab. Let him come in. 
 
 Enter Grave-digger* 
 
 Grav. 1 carried home to your houfe the flirowd the 
 gentleman was buried in laft night; I could not get his 
 Ting oft" very eafily, therefore I brought you the finger and 
 all j and, Sir, the fexton gives his fervice to you, and de- 
 iires to know whether you'd have any bodies removed or 
 not : if not, he'll lt them lie in their graves a week 
 longer. 
 
 &?. Give him my fen-ice ; I can't tell readily : but 
 
 our friend, tell him, Dr. Pafleporr, with the powder, has 
 
 promifed me iix or (even funerals this week. I'll fend to 
 
 our country-farm at Kenfington Gravel-Pits, and our 
 
 city-houfe in Warwick-lane for news, you (hall know 
 
 time enough. Hark'ee, be fure there is care taken to 
 
 give my Lady LanguhVs woman a fee to keep out that 
 
 1 young fellow who came laft from Oxford j he'll ruin us 
 
 Eater
 
 THE F U N E R A L. a$ 
 
 * Enter Goaty Trafh. 
 e I wonder, Goody Traili, you could not be more punftu- 
 
 * al ; when I told you I wanted you, and your two daugh- 
 
 * ters, to be three virgins to-night to ftand in white about 
 4 my Lady Catherine Griffel's body, and you know you 
 
 * were privately to bring her home from the man-mid- 
 4 wife's, where Hie died in child-birth, to be buried like a 
 
 * maid ; but there is nothing minded : well, I have put 
 
 * off that till to-morrc;y ; go, and get your bags ot brick- 
 
 * -dull and your whiting. Go, and fell to the cook-maids- ; 
 
 * know who is furteited about town : bring me no bud 
 
 * news,, none of yonr recoveries again.' And you, Mr. 
 blockhead, I Warrant you have not call'd at Mr. Peftle's 
 the apothecary : will that fellow never pay me ? I ftand 
 bound tor all the poifon in that itarving murderer's Ibop : 
 he ferves me juft as Dr. Quibus did, who promited to 
 write a treatife againil water-gruel, a damn'd healthy flop 
 that has done me more injury than all the faculty : look 
 you now,. you are all upon the fnecr, let me have none but 
 downright ftupid countenances I've a good mind to turn 
 you all oif, and take people out of the phy-houfe; but 
 hang them, they are as ignorant of their parti as you are 
 of yours; they never aft but when they fpeak; when 
 .the chief indication of the mind is in thegefture, or indeed 
 in cafeof farrow, in no gefture, except you were to aft a 
 widow, orfo. But yours,, you dolts, is all in dumb fliow, 
 dumb (how. I mean expreflive elegant fhow : as who 
 .can fee fuch an horrid ugly phiz as that fellow's, and not 
 be fhocked, offended and killed of all joy while he beholds 
 it ? But we muft not loiter Ye ftupid rogues, whom I 
 have picked out of the rubbifh of mankind, and fed for 
 your eminent worthleflhefs, attend, and know that I fpeak 
 
 you this moment ftiff and immutable to all fenfe of noife r . 
 mirth or laughter; {Makes mouths at them as they pafs by 
 bun to briug them to a conjlant countenance, \ So, they are 
 
 .pretty well pretty well 
 
 Enter Trufty anJ Z,0n/Brumpton. 
 
 Tru. 'Twas foudnefs, Sir, and tender duty to you r 
 
 who have been fo worthy and fo juft a mafter to me, made 
 
 me ftay- near you ; , they left me fo, and there I found you 
 
 wake from your lethargic flumber; on which I will af- 
 
 fume an authority to befeech you, Sir, to make juft ufe 
 
 B 2 o
 
 16 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 of your revived life, in feeing who are your true friends, 
 and knowing her who has fo wrought upon your nobl 
 nature, as to make it aft againft itfelf in disinheriting your 
 brave fon. 
 
 Ld. B. Sure 'tis impoffible (he fhould be fueh a crea- 
 ture as you tell me My mind reflects upon ten thoufand 
 endearments that plead unanfwerably for her : her chafte 
 reludtant love, her eafy obfervance of all my wayward 
 Jjutnours, to which (he would accommodate herielf with 
 fo much eafe, I could fcarce obferve it was a virtue in her; 
 ihe hid her very patience. 
 
 Trtt. It was all art, Sir, or indifference to you ; for what 
 I fay is downright matter of fait. 
 
 .Ld. J5. Why didft thou ever tell me it ! or why not in 
 my lite-time, for I muft call it fo, nor can I date a minute 
 rniae, after her being falfe ; all paft that moment is 
 death and darknefs : why didft thou not tell me then, I 
 fay? 
 
 Tru. Becaufeyou were too much in love with her to be 
 inform'd ; nor did I ever know a man that touched on 
 conjugal affairs could ever reconcile the jarring humours, 
 but in a common hatred of the intermeddler : but on this 
 moft extraordinary occalion, which feems pointed out by 
 heaven itfelf to difengage you from your cruelty and ba- 
 nifhment of an innocent child. I mult, I will conjure you 
 to be conceal'd, and but contain yourfelf in hearing one 
 difcourfe with that curfed inftrument of all her fecrets, 
 that Tattleaid, and you will fee what I tell you ; you 
 will call me then your guardian and good genius. 
 
 Ld. B. Well, you fhall govern me, but would I had 
 died in earneft ere I had known it ; my head fwims, as it 
 did when I fell into my fit, at the thoughts of it * How 
 dizzy a place is this world you live in !' All human life's 
 a mere vertigo ! 
 
 Tru. Ay, ay, my Lord, fine reflections, fine reflections, 
 but that does no bufinefs. Thus, Sir, we'll ftand con- 
 cealed, and hear, I doubt not, a much fincerer dialogue 
 than ufual between vicious perfons ; for a late accident 
 ha? given a littk jealoufy, which makes them over-aft 
 their love and confidence in each other. [ They retire.
 
 THE FUNERAL 17 
 
 Enter Widow and Tattleaid meeting, and running to 
 
 each other. 
 
 Hid. Oh, Tattleaid! his and our hour is come ! 
 Tat. I always laid by his church-yard cough, you'd 
 
 bury him, butitill you were impatient 
 
 Wid. Nay, thou haft ever been my comfort, my confi- 
 dent, my friend, and my fervant ; and now I'll reward 
 thy pains ; for tho' Ifcorn the whole lex of fellows; I'll 
 give them hopes for thy fake ; every finile, every frown, 
 every geilure, humour, caprice and whimfey of mine,. 
 lhall be gold to thee, girl ; thou flialt feel all the fweets 
 and wealth of being a fine rich widow's woman. Oh! 
 how my head runs my firft year out, and jumps to all the 
 joys of widowhood ! if thirteen months hence a friend 
 ftiould haul one to a play one has a. mind to fee, what plea- 
 fure 'twill be, when my Lady Brumpton's footman's cal- 
 led (who kept a place for that very purpofe) to make a 
 fudden infurrreclion of fine wigs in the pit ami fide-boxes. 
 Then, with a pretty forrow in one's tace, and a willing 
 blulli for being flared at, one ventures to look round, and 
 bow to one of one's own quality. Thus [very dircclly\ to 
 a fnug pretending fellow of no fortune. Thus [as fcarcc* 
 feeing bini] to one that writes lampoons. Thus [fearfully] 
 to one one really loves : Thus [looking </0-zt'| to one- 
 woman-acquaintance; from box to box thus ; [-:^:h 
 looks differently familiar'] and when one has done one's 
 part, obferve the actors do theirs, but with my mind fixed, 
 not on thofe I look at, but thole that look at me ~ 
 Then the ferenades ! the lovers ! 
 
 Tat. Oh, Madam, you make my heart bound within 
 me: I'll warrant you, Madam, I'll manage them all; nnd 
 indeed, Madam, the raen are really very filly creatures, 
 'tis no fuch hard matter they rulers ! they governors ! 
 I warrant you indeed ! 
 
 If "id. Ay, Tatdeaid, they imagine them Pelves mighty 
 things, but government founded on force only, isa brutal, 
 power We rule them by their affections, which blinds 
 them into belief that they rule us, or at lead are in .the 
 government with us Bat in this nation our power is 
 abfolute; ' thus, thus, we fway [Playing her fan.'] A 
 *' fan is both the flaiidard and the nag of England.' I 
 .Ifcugh to fee men go ou o.ur err.mds, ilrut in great offers, 
 B 3 livr
 
 ,3 THEFUNERAL. 
 
 live in cares, hazards and fcandals, to come home and b 
 fools to us in brags of their difpatches, negotiations, and 
 their wifdoms as my good dear deceas'd ufed to enter- 
 tain me; which, I to relieve my felt from would lifp 
 
 fome filly requeft, pat him on the face He fliakes his 
 
 liead at my pretty folly, calls me fimpleton ; gives me a 
 jewel, then goes to bed fo wife, fo fatisfied, and fo de- 
 
 ceiv'd! 
 
 Tat. But I proteft, Madam, I've always wonder'd how 
 you could accomplilh my young Lord's being difinhe- 
 rited. 
 
 Wid. Why, Tatty, you muft know my late Lord 
 how prettily that founds, my late Lord \ but I fay, my 
 late Lord Fribble was generofity I prefs'd him there, and 
 whenever you, by my order, had told him ftories to my 
 fon-in-law's difadvantage, in his rage and refentment, I 
 (whole intereil lay otherwife) always tell on my knees to 
 implore his pardon, and with tears, lighs and importunities 
 for him prevailed againft him : beiides this, you know I 
 had, when I pleafed, fits. Fits are a mighty help in the 
 government of a good-natured man : but in an ill-natured 
 /el low have a care of them he'll Late you for natural in- 
 firmities; will remember your face in its diftortion, and 
 not value your return of beauty. 
 
 Tat. O rare Madam ! your ladyftiip*s a great head- 
 piece ; * but now, dear Madam, is the hard talk, if I 
 
 may take the liberty to fay it to enjoy ail freedoms, 
 
 andfeem to abftain ; to manage the number of preten- 
 ders, and keep the difobliged from prating- 
 * Wiif. Never fear, Tattleaid; while you have riches, if 
 you affront one to abufe, you can give hopes to another 
 to defend you : thefe maxims I have been laying up all 
 my hufband's life-time ; for we muft provide againft 
 calamities.' 
 Tat. But now, Madam, a fine young gentleman with a 
 
 red coat, that dances 
 
 JFid. You may be fure the happy man (if it be in fate 
 that there is a hnppy man to make me an unhappy wo- 
 man) (hall not be an old one again. Age and youth mar- 
 ried is the cruelty in Dryden's Virgil, where Mezentius 
 ties the dead and living together ; I'm fure I was tied to 
 a dead man many a long day before I durfi bury him 
 
 But
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. i$ 
 
 But the day is now my own Yet now I think on't, Tat- 
 tleaid, be fure to keep an obftinate (hynefs to all our old 
 acquaintance : ' let them talk ef favours if they pleafe j 
 if we grant them ilill, they'll grow tyrants to us ; if we 
 difcard them, the chafte and innocent will not believe 
 we could have confidence to do it, were it fo ; and 
 the wife, if they believe it, will applaud our pru- 
 dence.' 
 
 Tat. Ay, Madam I believe, Madam I fpeak, Ma- 
 dam, but my humble fenfe Mr. Cabinet would marry 
 you. 
 
 Wld. Marry me ! No, Tattleaid, he that is fo mean 
 as to many a woman after an affair with her, will be fo 
 bafe as to upbraid that very weaknefs. * He that mar- 
 
 * ries his wench will ufe her like his wench* Such a 
 
 pair muft fure live in a fecret mutual fcorn of each other 
 * and wedlock is Hell, if at lead one fide does not 
 
 * love, as it would be Heaven, if both did; and I believe 
 
 * it fo much Heaven, as to think it was never enjoyed ia 
 4 this world.* 
 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Scrv. A gentleman to Mrs. Tattleaid [#/VTat 
 Wld. Go to him Blefs me, how carelefs and open 
 have I been to this fubtle creature in the cafe of Cabi- 
 net, flic's certainly in his interefts We people of con- 
 dition are never guarded enough againtt thole about us 
 They watch when our minds boil over with joy or grief, 
 to come in upon us. How miferable it is to have one one 
 hates always about one, and when one can't endure one's 
 own reflection upon fome actions, who can bear the 
 thoughts of another upon them ? but me has me by deep 
 
 Ice-rets * The Italians, they fay, can readily remove 
 
 the too much intruded Oh, their pretty feented 
 gloves ! this wench I know has play'd me falfe, and 
 horned me in my gallants. Oh, Italy, I could refign all 
 my female Englifh liberty to thee, for thy much dearer 
 female pleafu re, revenge ! Well, what's the matter, dear 
 
 Tatty 
 
 Enter Tattleaid. 
 
 Tat. The matter, Madam ! why, Madam, Counfellor 
 Puzzle is come to wait on your ted yf hip about the will 
 and the conveyance of the eiUte there mull, it feems, 
 
 be
 
 2 o THE FUNERAL* 
 
 be no time loft for fear of things; fye, rye, Madarttj 
 you a widow thefe three hours, and not look'd on a 
 parchment yet Oh, impious ! to neglect the will of the 
 dead ! 
 
 Wd. As you fay indeed, there is no will of a hufband'a 
 fo willingly obeyed as his laft. But I muft go in, and re- 
 ceive him in my formalities ; leaning on a couch is as ne- 
 ceflary a pofture, as his going behind his deflc when he 
 fpcaks to a client But do you bring him in hither till I 
 
 am ready [Exit. 
 
 Tat. Mr. Counfellor, Mr. Counfellor [Calling. 
 
 JLtifer Puzzle and Clerk. 
 Paz. Servant, good Madam Tattleaid, my ancient 
 
 friend is gone, but buiinefs mull be minded 
 
 Tat. 1 told my lady twice or thrice, as fhe lies in dumb 
 grief on the couch within, that you were here, but 
 fhe regarded me not ; however, (ince you fay it is ot fuch 
 moment, I'll venture to introduce you : pleafe but to re- 
 pofe here a little, while I ilep in ; tor me thinks I would a 
 a little prepare her. [Exit Tattleaid. 
 
 Puz. Alas !" alas ! poor lady ! 
 
 Damn'd hypocrites ! well, this nobleman's death is a. 
 little fudden : therefore pray let me recoiled : open the 
 bag, good Tom. Now Tom thoxi art my nephew, my 
 dear lifter Kate's only fon, and my heir, there tore I will 
 conceal from thee on no occaiion any thing ;. for I would 
 enter thee into bufinefs as foon as poiTible. know then, 
 child, that the lord of this houfe was one of your men of 
 honour, and fenfe, who loie the latter in the former, and 
 are apt to take all men to be like themfel\es : now this 
 gentleman intirely trufted me, and I made the only ufe a 
 man of buiinefs can of a truft, I cheated him ; for I im- 
 perceptibly, before his face, made his whole eftute liable 
 to an hundred per annum for myielr, tor good fervices, 
 &c. As for legacies, they are good or not, as 1 pleafe ; 
 for let me teil you, a man mufl take pen, ink, and paper, 
 fit down by an old fellow, and pretend to take directions, 
 but a true lawyer never makes any man's will but his 
 own ; and as the prieft of old among us got near the 
 dying man, and gave all to the church, fo now the law- 
 yer gives all to the law, 
 
 Clerk,
 
 THEFUNERAL. if 
 
 Clerk. Ay, Sir, butpriefts then cheated the nation by 
 doing their offices in an unknown language. 
 
 Puz. True but ours is a way much furer; for we 
 cheat in no language at all, hut loll in our own coaches, 
 eloquent in gibberifh, and learned in jingle. Pull out 
 the parchment; there's the deed; I made it as long as 
 I could Well, I hope to fee the day, when the inden- 
 ture (hall be theexaft meafure of the land that pafles by 
 it ; for 'tis a difcouragement to the gown, that every ig- 
 norant rogue of an heir fliould in a word or two under- 
 ihmd his father's meaning, and hold ten acres of land by 
 
 half 'an acre of parchment Nay, I hope to fee the 
 
 time * when that there is indeed feme progrefs made in, 
 
 * Jhall be wholly effected ; and* by the improvement 
 of the noble art of tautology, every inn in Holborn an 
 inn of court. Let others think of logic, rhetoric, and I 
 know not what impertinence, but mind thou tautology 
 
 What's the firit excellence in a lawyer ? Tautology. 
 
 W hat's the fecond ? Tautology. What's the third ? Tau- 
 tology : as an old pleader faid of action. But to turn to the 
 deed ; \Pulh out an immeafuralle parchment.] * for the 
 
 * will is of no force if I pleafe, for he was not capable 
 
 * of making one after the former, as I managed it 
 
 * upon which account I now wait on my lady :' by the 
 way,' Tom, do you know the true meaning of the word 
 a deed ? 
 
 C Ifk. Ay, Sir, as if a man fliould fay the deed. 
 
 Puz. Right ; 'tis emphatically fo called, becaufe after 
 it all deeds and a&ions are of no effeft, and you have no- 
 thing to do but hang yourfelf the only obliging thing 
 you can then do. But I was telling you the uie of tau- 
 tology Read toward the middle of that inftrument. 
 
 Clerk. [Reask.] I the faid earl of Brumpton, do give, 
 beftow, grant and bequeath, over and above the faid pre- 
 mifles, all the fite and capital meflliage called by the 
 name of Oatham, and all outhoufes, barns, itables, and 
 other edifices and buildings, yards, orchards, gardens, 
 fields, arbors, trees, lands, earths, meadows, greens, pa- 
 tfures, feedings, woods, underwoods, ways, waters, water- 
 courfes, fifhing-ponds, pools, commons, common of pa- 
 flure, paths, heath-thickets, profits, commodities r and 
 emoluments, with their and every of their appurtenances 
 
 whatfoever,
 
 st T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 whatfoevcr, to the faid capital mef- "} 
 fuage and lite belonging, or in any I Puzzle nodi caul 
 wife appertaining, or vyith the fame \fueers as the Jyno- 
 heretofore ufed, occupied or enjoy- (mous words are 
 ed, accepted, executed, known, or , repeating, whom 
 taken as part, parcel, or member of I Lord Brumproa 
 the fame ; containing in the whole, \fcornfully mimui. 
 by eHimation, four hundred acresj 
 of the large meafure, or thereabouts, be the fame more 
 or lefs ; all and fingular which the faid fite, capital mef- 
 fuage, and other the premiffes, with their and every of 
 their appurtenances, are lituate, lying and being 
 
 Ptex. Hold, hold, good Tom ; you do come on indeed 
 in bufinefs, but don't ufe your cole enough in reading 
 [Reads in a ridiculous low tone till out of breath.] Why, 
 you're quite out ; you read to be underftood let me fee 
 
 it 1 the laid earl Now again, fuppofe this were 
 
 to be in Latin [Runs into Latin terminations.] making 
 
 Latin is only making it no Englifh Ego pr<dil 
 
 Comes de Brumpton iotas meas barties outhoufas & Jla- 
 
 buiasyardos But there needs no further perufal, 
 
 I now recoiled the whole my lord, by this infirument, 
 difiiiherits his fon utterly ; gives all to my lady j and 
 moreover, grants the wards of two fortune wards to her ; 
 i/^ff, to be fold by her ; which is the fubject of my buii- 
 nefs to her ladyfliip, who, methinks, a little overdoes the 
 affair of grief, in letting me wait thus long on fuch wel- 
 come articles But here 
 
 Enter Tattleaid, wiping her eyes. 
 
 Tat. I have, in vain, done all I can to make her re- 
 gard me. Pray, Mr. Puzzle, you're a man of fenfe, 
 come in yourfelf, and fpeak reafon, to bring her to fome 
 conlideratien of herfelf, if poffible. 
 
 Puz. Tom, I'll come down to the hall to you ; dear 
 Madam, lead on. 
 
 [Exit Clerk one way, Puz. Tatt. aitotber+ 
 fj. Brumpton WTrufty advance from their concealment 
 after a long paufe, and flaring at each other. 
 
 Ld. B. Trulty, on thy iincerity, on thy fidelity to 
 me, thy friend, thy patron, and thy mafter, anfwer me 
 cUredljr to one queition Am I rrally alive ? Am I that 
 
 identical.
 
 THE FUNERAL, 23 
 
 identical, that numerical, that very fame Lord Brumpton,' 
 
 Trnf. That very Lord that very Lord Brumpton, the 
 very generous, honell, and good Lord Brumpton, who 
 fpent his ftrong and riper years with honour and reputa- 
 tadon ; but in his age of decay declined from virtue alfo : 
 that very Lord Brumpton, who buried a fine lady, who 
 brought him a fine fon, who is a fine gentleman ; but in 
 his age, that very man, unfeafonnbly captivated with 
 youth tmd beauty, married a very fine young lady, who 
 has dishonoured his bed, diiinherited his brave fon, and 
 dances o'er his grave. 
 
 Ld. B. Oh, that damned tautologiil too! that 
 
 Puzzle, and his irrevocable deed ! [Pavji'ig.] Well, I 
 know I do not really live, but u-ander o'er the place 
 
 where once I had a treafure I'll haunt her, Trufty, 
 
 gaze in that falfe beauteous face, till flie tremble, till 
 ihe looks pale, nay, till fhe bluflies 
 
 Truf. Ay, ay, my lord, you fpeaka ghofl x r ery much ; 
 there's flefli and blood in that expreffion that falfe beau- 
 teous face ! 
 
 Ld. B. Then, fince you fee my weaknefs, be a 
 friend, and arm me with all your care, and all your 
 teafon 
 
 Truf. If you'll condefcend to let me direcl you, you 
 fhall cut off this rotten limb, this hilfe, difloyal wife, and 
 fave your noble parts, your fon, your family, your 
 honour. 
 
 Short is the date in which ill acls prevail, 
 
 But honefty's a rock can never fail. 
 
 [Exeunt* 
 END of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT IL 
 
 Enter Lord Hardy. 
 
 NOW, indeed,! am utterly undone but to expect 
 an evil foftens the weight of it when it happens ; 
 and pain, no more th;m pleafure, is in reality fo great as 
 in expectation. But what will become of me ? How 
 iall I keep myfelf even above worldly want? Shall I 
 
 live
 
 4 T H E FUNERAL. 
 
 live at home, a ftiff, melancholy, poor man of quality ; 
 grow uneafy to my acquaintance as well as myfelf, by 
 fancying I am (lighted where I am not ; with all the 
 thoufand particularities which attend thofe whom lovr 
 fortune and high fpirit make malecbntents ? No ! we 
 have a brave prince on the throne, whofe commiflion I 
 bear, and a glorious war in an honeft ca'ufe approaching, 
 [flapping his hand on hii faord.] in which this fliall cut 
 out bread for me, and may, perhaps, equal that eftate to 
 
 which my birth entitled me But what to do in pre- 
 
 fentpreflures Ha, Trim ! [Calling* 
 
 Enter Trim. 
 
 Trim. My lord. 
 
 Ld. H. How do the poor rogues that are to recruit my 
 company ? 
 
 Trim. Do, Sir ? They have eat you to your laft guinea. 
 
 Ld. H. Were you at the agent's ? 
 
 Trim. Yes. 
 
 Ld. H. Well, and how ? 
 
 Trim. Why, Sir, for your arrears, you may have ele- 
 ven (hillings in the pound } but he'll not touch your 
 growing fubfiilence under three (hillings in the pound in- 
 tereft ; befides which, you muft let his clerk, Jonathan 
 Item, fwear the peace againft you, to keep you from du- 
 elling ; or infure your life, which you may do for eight 
 per cent. On thele terms he'll oblige you, which he 
 would not do for any body elfe in the regiment j but he 
 has a'friendfliip for you. 
 
 Ld. H. Oh, I am his humble fervant ! but he muft 
 have his own terms; we can't (larve, nor muft the fel- 
 lows want. But methinks this a calm midnight ; I have 
 heard no duns to-day. 
 
 Trim. Dun, my lord ! Why, now your father's dentl, 
 and they can't arreft you, I (hall grow a little lefs upon 
 the fmooth with them than I have been. Why, friend, 
 fays I, how often muft I tell you my lord is not ftirring ? 
 fis lordfhip has . nor flept well, you muft come fome 
 other time ; your lordihip will fend tor him when you are 
 at leifure to look upon money affairs; or if they ar fo 
 faucy, fo impertinent as to prels a man of your quality 
 for their own, there are canes, there's Bruitwel, there's 
 ihe flocks for your ordinary tradefmea ; but to an hatigh-
 
 T H E F U N E P. A L. 2$ 
 
 ty, thriving, Covent-Gnrden mercer, filk or laceman, 
 your lordihip gives your nioft humble fervice to him 
 hopes his wife is well , you have letters to write, or yr 
 would lee him yourielf, but you deli re he would be with, 
 you punctually on luch a day, that is to fay, the day af- 
 ter you are gone out of town. 
 
 Ld. //. Go, firrah ; you arc fcurrilous ; I won't be- 
 lieve there are fiich men ot quality d'ye bear, give my 
 ierviye, this nrrernocn, to Mr. Cutpurfe, the agent, and 
 tell him I am obliged to pay him for his leadinefs to 
 lerve me, for I am refolded to pay my debts forthwith 
 [A voice iviii-fut.'] I don't know whether he is within or 
 not. Mr. Trim, is my lord within ? 
 
 Ld. H. Trim, fee who it is ; I am not within, you 
 know [Exit Trim. 
 
 Trim. [Without.] Yes, Sir, my lord is above; pray, 
 walk up 
 
 Ld. H. Who can it be ^ He owns me too. 
 
 Enter Campley and Trim. 
 
 Dear Tom Campley, this is kind You are an extraor- 
 dinary man indeed, who, in the fudden acceffion of a no- 
 ble fortune, can ftill be yourfelf, and vifit your lefs hap- 
 py friends. 
 
 Camp. No, you are, my lord, the extraordinary man, 
 who, on the lots of an almoft princely fortune, can be 
 mafter of a, temper that makes you the envy, rather than 
 pity of your more fortunate, not more happy friends. 
 
 Ld. H. Oh, Sir, your fervant IBut let me gaze on 
 thee a little 1 han't feen thee flnce we came home in- 
 to England moft exa&ly, negligently, genteely drafted 
 
 1 know there is more than ordinary in this. [Beating 
 
 Camplcy'j Ireafi.'} Come, confefs who fliares with me 
 
 here I mull have her real r.nd poetical name Come, 
 
 ihe is in fonnet, Cynthia ; in profe, miftrcfs 
 
 Camp. One you little dream of; thq' flie is in a man- 
 ner of your placing there. 
 * IA.H. My placing there ! 
 
 C.;\ Why, rny lord, all the fine things yon have 
 
 ftid to me in the camp, of my Lais Charlor, your father's 
 
 ward, r?.i; in my head fo very much, that I made it my 
 
 buJinefsto become acquainted iu that famiiv, which I did 
 
 C ' by
 
 i6 T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 by Mr. Cabinet's means, and am now in love in the lame 
 place with your lordfhip, 
 
 Ld. //. How ! in love in the fame place with me, Ivlr. 
 Campley ? 
 
 Camp. Ay, my Lord, with t'other filter, with t'other 
 fitter. 
 
 Ld. H. What a dunce was I, not to know which, 
 without your naming her ? Why, thou art ihe only man 
 
 breathing fit to deal with her But my Lady Chariot j 
 
 there's a woman! fo eafily virtuous ; fo agrreably 
 
 f : vere; her motion fo unaffected, yet ib competed ; her 
 lips breathe nothing but truth, gojd fenfe, and flowing 
 wit. 
 
 Camp. Lndy Harriot ; there's the woman ! fuch lite, 
 fuch fpirit, fuch warmth in her eyes ; fuch a lively, 
 commanding air in her glances ; fo fprightly a mien, 
 that carries in it the triumph of confcious beauty. Her 
 lips are made of gum and balm There is fomething in 
 that dear girl that fires my blood above above above 
 
 Ld. H. Above what ? 
 
 Camp. A grenadier's march. 
 
 Ld. H. A fofi fimile, I muft contefs B-.t, Oh, that 
 
 Ch.irlot ! to rccli.ie this aching head, mil of care, on that 
 te:-.cier, fncwy. faithful bolbm 
 
 Ca-iiji. Oh, that Harriot! to embrace that beauteous 
 
 Ld. H. Ay, Tom ; but methinks your head rum too 
 much on the wedding-night only, to mal\e your happinefs 
 lafting: mine is fixed on the married tt..te ; ' I expert 
 4 my felicity from Lady Chariot, in her friendihip, her 
 ' ccnftaricy, her p:ety, her houihold cares, her ma- 
 ' ternal tendernefs You think not of any excellence 
 
 * of your miftrefs, that is more than fein deep. 
 
 * Camp. When I know her further than Ikin deep, I'll 
 
 * tell you more of my mind. 
 
 Ld. H. ' Oh, fie, Tom ! how can you talk fo lightly 
 
 * of a woman you love with honour' Bat tell me, 
 
 I wonder ho;\ r you make your approaches in t.-lie ging 
 fuch a fort of creature ; fhe that loves addrelTes, gallantry, 
 fiddks ; that reigns and delights in a croud of admirers. 
 Ii I know her, fhe is one of thofe you may euiily have a 
 general acquaintance with, but hard to make particular. 
 
 Ctfw/t You underftaad her very well You mull 
 
 knew,
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 27 
 
 know, I put her out of all her play, by carrying it in a 
 humorous manner ; I took care, in all my actions, before 
 I clifco'vered the lover, that (lie (houU, in general, have a 
 good opinion of me ; and have ever fince behaved myfelf 
 with ail the good humour and eaie I was able ; fo that (he 
 is now extremely at a lofs how to throw me from the fa- 
 miliarity of an acquaintance, into the diftance of a lover; 
 but I laugh her out of it ; when foe begins to frown, and 
 look grave at my mirth, I mimic her tillfhe burflsout a 
 laughing 
 
 Ld. H. That's ridiculous enough. 
 
 CatKp. By Cabinet's interelt over my Lady Brumpton, 
 with gold and flattery to Mrs. Fardingale, an old maid 
 her Ldyfhip has placed about the young ladies, I have 
 eafy accefs at all times, and am this very day to be admit- 
 ted by her into their apartment 1 have found, you 
 
 niuft know, that file is my relation. 
 
 Ld. H. Her ladyfhip has chole an odd companion- for 
 young ladies. 
 
 Camp. Oh, my Lady's a politician; ' (lie told Tattle- 
 * aid, one day, that an old maid was the beft guard for 
 ' young ones ; tor they, like eunuchs in a feraglio, ape 
 "* vigiiant out of envy ot enjoyment they cannot them- 
 ' felves arrive at.' But, as I w.is f;iyin:j, I have fen t my 
 coufin Fardingale a fong, which (he and I are to pra&iie 
 to the fpinnet The young ladies will be by, and I am 
 to be left alone with Laciy Harriot ; then I defign to 
 make my grand attack, and to-day win or lofe her. I 
 know, Sir, this is an opportunity you want If yqu'll 
 meet meat Tom's, have a letter ready, I will, myfelf, 
 deliver it to your miftrefs, conduct you into the houfe, 
 and tell her you are there, and find means ro place you 
 together. You inuft march under my command to-day, 
 as I have many a one under yours. 
 
 Ld. H. But, faith, Tom, 1 (hall not behave myfelf 
 with half the relblution you have under mine ; for, to 
 confefs my weaknels, though I know (he loves me, though 
 I know (lie is as ftedraltly mine, as her heart can make 
 her. I know not how, I have fo fublime an idea of her high 
 value, and fuch a melting tendernefs ditifalves my whole 
 frame when I am near her, that my tongue falters, my 
 nerves fluke, and ray heart fo alternately finks and rift-s, 
 B z that
 
 a8 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 :that my premeditated refolves vaniih into confufion, 
 down-caft eyes, and broken utterance 
 
 Cam, Ha, ha, ha ! this in a campaigner too ! Why, 
 my lord, that's the condition Harriot would have me in, 
 and then (he thinks fhe could have me ; but I, that know 
 her better than fce does herfelf, know fiie would infult 
 me, and lead me a two years dance longer, and, perhaps, 
 in the end, turn me into the herd of the many neglected 
 ; men of better fenfe, who have been ridiculous for her 
 fake - But I fhall make her no fuch facrifice. ' Tis well 
 my Lady Chariot's a woman of fo folid an underftanding ; 
 I don't know another that would not life you ill for your 
 high value. 
 
 Ld. H. But, Tom, I muft fee your fong you have 
 fent your coufin Fardingale, as you call her. 
 
 Camp. This is lucky enough [Jjtde.] No, hang it, 
 my lord, a man makes fo filly a figure when his verfes are 
 reading - Trim, thou haft not left oft" thy loving and 
 thy rhyming ; Trim's a critic ; I remember him a fervi- 
 tor at Oxon : [Gives a paper to Trim.) I give myfelf 
 into his hands, becaufe you fhan't fee them till I am 
 gone - My lord, your lervant you llian't itir, 
 
 Ld. H. Nor you neither, then. Struggling, 
 
 Camp. You will be obeyed. 
 
 [Exeunt ; Lord Hardy waits en him dotvu, 
 
 Trim. What is in this fong; - Ha! don't my eyes 
 lccei ve me ? A Bill of three hundred pounds ! [Reads. 
 
 " Mr. Cadi, 
 
 " Piay pay to Mr. William Trim, or bearer, the fum 
 'of three hundred pounds, and place it to the accompt of, 
 Sir, 
 
 Your humble fervant^ 
 
 THOMAS CAMPLEY." 
 
 [Pulling of bis hat, and lowuig.] Your very humble 
 fervant, good Mr. Campley. Ay, this is poetry : this is 
 a fong indeed Faith, I'll fet it, and fing it myfelf - 
 Pray pay to Mr. William Trim - So far in recitative 
 - Three hundred Singing ridiculoujly .} hun dred 
 hundred - Hundred trice repeated, becaufe 'tis three 
 hundred pounds : I love repetitions in mufic, when there 
 is a good reafon for it -To - ds after the Italian
 
 
 THEFUNERAL. 29. 
 
 manner. If they would bring me fuch fenfible words 
 as thefe, I would out-ftrip all your compofers for the mu- 
 lic prize. This was honeftly .done of Mr. Campley : 
 tho' I have carried him many a purfe from my mailer, 
 when he was eniign to our company in Plunders. 
 
 Kiit if Lard Hardy. 
 My lord, I am your iordlhip's humble fervant. 
 
 Ld. H. Sir, your humble fervanr. But, pray, my 
 good familiar friend, how came you to be fo very much 
 my humble fervant all of a fudden ? 
 
 Trim. 1 beg pardon, dear Sir j my lord, I am not your 
 humble fervant. 
 
 Ld. H. No ? 
 
 Trim. Yes, my lord, I am ; but not as you mean 
 
 but I am I am, my lord In fhort, I am overjoyed* 
 
 Ld. H. Overjoyed ! thou art diflrafted What ails 
 
 the fellow ? Where is Campley's long ? 
 
 Trim. Oh, my lord, one would not think it was in 
 him ! Mr. Campley is really a very great poet As fur 
 the fong, it is only as they all end in rhyme owe, woe ; 
 ifles, kifles ; boy, joy but, my lord, the other in long 
 heroic blank verfe : [Reading it with a great foxe.] Pray 
 
 pay to Mr. William Trim, or order, the ium of- How 
 
 iweetly it runs ! Paftoliau guineas chink in every line. 
 
 Ld. H. How very handfomely this was done in Camp- 
 ley ! I wondered, indeed, he was fo willing to fliew his 
 verfes. In how carelefs a manner that fellow does the 
 greateft actions ! 
 
 Trim. My lord, pray, my lord, flian't I go immediate- 
 ly to Cutpurfe's ? 
 
 Ld. H. No, firrah ; now we have no occafion for it. 
 
 Trim. No, my lord, only to fture him full in the face 
 after I have received this money, not fay a word, but 
 keep my hat on, and walk out : or, perhaps, not hear, if 
 any I meet with fpeak to me ; but grow ftifi", deaf, and 
 Ihort-iighted to all my old acquaintance, like a fudden rich, 
 man as I am ; or, perhaps, my lord, defire Cutpurfe's 
 clerk to let me leave fifty pounds at their houfe, payab c 
 to Mr. William Trim, or order till I come that way- 
 or a month or two hence, may have ocean* on for it I 
 
 don't know what bills may be drawn upon me Then, 
 
 when the clerk begins to ilare at me r till he pulls the 
 C 3 great
 
 3 o THEFUNERAL. 
 
 great eroofe quill from behind his ear, [Pulls a handful 
 ef farthings out.'] I fall a reckoning the pieces, as I do 
 thefe farthings. 
 
 Ld. H. Well, firrah, you may have your humour, 
 but be fure you take fourfcore pounds, and pay my debts 
 immediately if you meet any officer you ever fee me 
 in company with, that looks grave at Cutpurfe's Houfe, 
 nil him I'd fpeak with him We muft help our friends 
 But learn moderation, you rogue, in your good fortune ; 
 be at home all the evening after, while I wait at Tom's 
 
 to meet Cainpley, in order to fee lady Chariot 
 
 My good or ill in her alone is found, 
 
 And in that thought all other cares are drown'd. [Exit. 
 
 Trim. Oh dear, dear, three hundred pounds. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Sable, Lord Brumpton and Trufty. 
 Sal. Why, my lord, you can't in conference put me 
 off fo ; I muft do according to my orders, cut you up, 
 and embalm you, except you'll come clown a little deeper 
 than you talk of ; you don't confider the charges I have , 
 been at already. 
 
 Ld. B. Charges ! for what ? 
 
 Sab. Firft, twenty guineas to my lady's woman for 
 notice of your death (a fee I've before now known the 
 widow heffelf go halves in) but no matter for that iiv 
 the next place, ten pounds for watch ng you all you! 
 
 long fit of ficknefs latt winter 
 
 Ld. P. Watching me ? Why I had none but my own 
 fervnnts by turns. 
 
 Sab. I mean attending to give notice of your death. 
 I had all your long fit of ficknefs laft winter at half a 
 crown a day, a fellow waiting at your gate to bring me in- 
 telligence, but you unfortunately recovered, aixd I loft 
 all my obliging pains for your fervice. 
 
 Ld. B. Ha! ha! ha! Sable, thou'rt a very impudent 
 fellow. Half a crown a day to attend my deceale, and 
 do ft thou redcon it to me ? 
 
 Sab. Look you, gentlemen, don't Hand flaring at me 
 I have a book at home, which I call my doomfday 
 book, where I have every man of quality's age and dif- 
 temperin town, and know when you fliould drop Nay, 
 my lord, if you had reflected upon your mortality half 
 fo much as poor I have for you, you wouid not delire to
 
 
 THEFUNERAL. 31 
 
 return to life thus in (hort, I cannot keep this a 
 
 feciet, under the whole money I am to have for bury- 
 ing you. 
 
 Ld. B. Trufty, if you think it fafe in you to obey 
 my orders after the deed Puzzle told his clerk of, pay 
 it him 
 
 Tru. I fhould be glad to give it out of my own pocket, 
 rather than be without the fatisfacYion of feeing you 
 \vitnefs to it. 
 
 Ld. B. I heartily believe thee, dear Trufty 
 
 Sab. Then, my lord, the fecret of your being alive 
 is now fafe with me. 
 
 Tru. I'll warrant I'll be reveng'd of this unconfci- 
 
 onable dog [^&&] ^7 l r d> you mufl to your 
 
 clofet 1 fear fomebody's coming 
 
 [Exeunt Sable one way, andLd. B. and Trufty another ' 
 
 SCENE draws and difeovcrs Lady Chariot reading at a, 
 
 T'able Lady Harriot playing at a glafe to and fro t 
 
 and viewing herfelf. 
 
 L. Ha. Nay, good fage fifter, you may as well talk to 
 me, [Looking at berfelfasjhefpeaks.] as fit flaring at a 
 book which I know you can't attend Good Dr. Lucas ' 
 may have writ there what he pleafes, but there's no 
 putting Francis lord Hardy, now eari of Brumpton, out 
 of your head, or making him abfent from yoar eyes. 
 Do but look at me now, and deny it if you can. 
 
 L. Cb. You are the maddeil girl [Smiling. 
 
 L. Ha. Look ye, I knew you could not fay it, and 
 forbear laughing \Looking over Chariot.] Oh, I fee his 
 name as plain as you do F r a n Fraa, c-i-s cis, 
 Francis, 'tis in every line of the book. 
 
 L. Cb. [RiJiHg'] Tis in vain, I fee, to mind any 
 
 thing in inch impertinent company but granting 
 
 'twere as you fay, as to my lord Hardy, 'tis more ex- 
 cufable to admire another than one's lelf 
 
 L. Ha. No, I think not Yes, I grant you than 
 
 rea'ly to be va'-n at one's pcrfon, but I don't admire 
 
 myielr" Pilh ! I don't believe my eyes have that 
 
 fortnefs [Looking in the gLifi.] They an't fo piercing : 
 no, 'tis only lluft*, the mzn will be talking Some peo- 
 ple are fuch admirers of teeth Lord, what) fignifies 
 
 teeth !
 
 3 2 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 teeth ! [Shelving her teeth.} A very black-a-moor has 39 
 
 white teeth as I No, fifter, I don't admire myfelf, 
 
 but I've a fpirit of contradiction in me : I don't know 
 I'm in love with myfelf, only to rival the men- 
 
 L. Cb, Ay, but Mr. Campley will gain ground ev'n 
 of that rival of his, your dear felf 
 
 L. Ha. Oh, what have I done to you, that you fhould 
 name that infolent intruder A confident opinionative 
 
 fop No indeed, if I am, as a poetical lover of mine 
 
 lighed- and fung, of Both fexes 
 
 The public envy, and the public care, 
 
 I fhan't be fo eaiily catched- 1 thank him 1 want 
 
 but to be fure, I fhou'd heartily torment him, by ba- 
 niihing him, and then confider whether he fhouid depart 
 this lire or not. 
 
 L. Cb. Indeed, fifter, to be ferious with you, this 
 vanity in your humour does not at all become you. 
 
 L. Ha. Vanity ! All the matter is, we gay people are 
 more fincere than you wife folks : all ynur lire's i.i\ art 
 
 Speak your foul Look you there [Haling 
 
 Ixrto iJHglq/t.] Are you not ft ruck with a fecret pleafure, 
 when you view that bloom in your look, that harmony 
 in you.- fliape, that promptitude of your mien ! 
 
 L. Cb. Well, limpleton, if I am at fait fo filly as to 
 be a little taken vith myfelf, I know it a fault, and take 
 pains to cc.rrecr.it. 
 
 L. Ha. Pihaw ! Pfhaw ! talk this mufry tale to old Mrs. 
 Fardingale, 'tis too foon forme to think at that rate. 
 
 L. Cb. They that think it too foon to underftand them- 
 
 felves, will very foon find it too late But tell me 
 
 honeftly, don't you l ; ke Campley ? 
 
 L. ila. The fellow is not to be abhorred, if the for- 
 ward thing did not think of getting ire fo eafily Oh, 
 
 I hate a heart I can't break whi-u I picaie What 
 
 makes the value of dear china, bjt that 'tis fo brittle ! 
 
 were it not for that, you might as well have ilone 
 
 mugs m your ciofec 
 
 L.C/j.' Hift,hiir, here's Fardiiigale. 
 Enter Fardingale. 
 
 Far. Lady Harriot, lady Chariot I'll entertain 
 
 you now ; I've a newfongjuft ccrae hot out of the poet'* 
 
 krain.
 
 THE FUNERAL. 33 
 
 brain. Lady Chariot, my coulin Campley writ it, and 
 it's fet to a pretty air, I warrant you. 
 
 L. Ha. ' Fis like to be pretty indeed, of his writing. 
 
 [Flings away. 
 
 Far._ Come, come, this is not one of your tringham 
 trangham, witty things, that your poor poets write; 
 no, 'tis well known .my coufin Campley has two thoufand 
 pounds a year But this is all diilimulation in you. 
 
 L. Cb. 'Tis fo indeed, for your couiin's fong's very 
 pretty, Mrs. Fardingale. [Reads* 
 
 Let not love on me beftow, 
 Soft diftrefs, and tender woe ; 
 I know none but fubitantial blifles, 
 Eager glances, folid kifles ; 
 I know not what the lovers feign, 
 Of finer pleafure mix'd with pain ; 
 Then pr'ythee give me, gentle boy, 
 None of thy grief, but all thy joy. 
 But Harriot thinks that a little unreaibnable, to expeft 
 one without enduring t'other. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 Ser. There's your coufin Campley to wait on you 
 
 without 
 
 Far. Let him come in -we fhall have the fong 
 now * 
 
 Enter Campley. 
 
 Cam. Ladies, your moft obedient fervant Your 
 
 fervanr, lady Chariot Servant, lady Harriot 
 
 [Harriot looks grave upon bim.~\ What's the matter, dear 
 lady Harriot Not well ? I protelt to you I'm mightily 
 concerned [Pulls out a bottle.] This is a moft excellent 
 fpirit fnuffit up, Madam. 
 
 L. Ha. Pifh the familiar coxcomb frets me heartily 
 Cam. 'Twill be over, I hope, immediately. 
 L. Cb. Your coufin Fardingale has (hewn us fome of 
 your poetry; there's the fpinnet, Mr. Campley, I know 
 you're mufical. 
 
 Cam. She fhould not have called it my poetry. 
 
 Far. No. Who waits there Pray bring my lute 
 
 out of the next room 
 
 Enter fervant with a lute. 
 
 You maft know I conn'd this fong before I came in, and 
 1 ' find
 
 34. THEFUNERAL. 
 
 find it will go to an excellent air of old Mr. Laws's, who 
 was my mother's intimate acquaintance : my mother's, 
 what do I talk of? I mean, my grand- mother's Oh, 
 here's the lute Cou fin Campley, hold the long upon 
 your hat. \AJUle to him.} 'Tis a pretty gallantry to a re- 
 lation. 
 
 Sings andfqua]ls. 
 Let not love, &c. 
 
 Oh, I have left off thefe things many a day. 
 Camp. No ; I profefs, Madam, you do it admirably 
 but are not affured enough Take it higher [In her 
 eivnfquall.} Thus I know your voice will bear it. 
 
 L. Ha. Oh, hideous ! Oh, the grofs flatterer I fliall 
 
 burit Mrs. Fardirigale, pray go on, the muiic fits 
 
 the words molt apjly Take it higher, as your coufin 
 
 advifes. 
 
 Far. Oh, dear Madam, do you really like it -I do it 
 purely to pleafe you for I can't ilug, alas ! 
 
 L. Ch. We know it, good Madam, we know it * 
 But pray 
 
 Far. Let not love, and fitt>ftantial bliffes, is -lively 
 enough, and ran accordingly in the tune. [Ciirijici ti the 
 company. "\ Now I took it higher. 
 
 L. Ha. Incomparably done ! nothing can equal ic t 
 except your couiinfang his own poetry. 
 
 Cam. Madam, from my lord Hardy [Delivers et 
 
 letter to Lady Chariot.] Ho;v do you fay, my lady Har- 
 riet, except I fing it niyfelf ! then I affure you I will. 
 
 L. Ch. 1 han't patience, I muft go read my letter. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Cam. [Sif.'g!.] Let not love, &c. 
 
 Far. Blels me, what's become of Lady Chariot ? 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 L. ILi. Mrs. Fardingale, Mrs. Fardingale, what, rauit 
 we lofe you ? 
 
 ampley runs to the door Dalies tie kfymtt, and locks her in* 
 What means this infolence ? a plot upon me Do you 
 know who I am ? 
 
 Cam. Yes, Madam, you're my lady Harriot Lovely, 
 with ten thoufand pounds in your pocket ; and I a:n Mr. 
 Campley with two thouiand a year of quality enough 
 to pretend to you-v-And I do defign, before I leave this
 
 THE- FUNERAL. 35 
 
 room, 'to hear you talk like a reafonable woman, as na- 
 ture has m;..de you. Nay, 'tis m vain to flounce, and 
 difcompofe yourl'elf and yourdrefs. 
 
 L. Ha. If there are iwords, if they are men of ho- 
 nour, and not all daitards, cowards, that pretend to this 
 injured perfon [Running round the rnom. 
 
 Cam. Ay, ay, Madam, let 'em come---That's put- 
 ting me in my way, fighting's my trade-- -but you've 
 
 ufed all mankind too ill to exp.'6t ib much fervice in 
 
 {hort, majam, were you a fool, I iliauld not delire to 
 expaftulate with you [Seizing ber band. 
 
 L. Ha. Unhand me, ravifher \Pulh bcr band from 
 bim, chafes round ibe room, Campley after bcr. 
 
 Cam. But, Madam, Madam, Madam, why Madam ! 
 Pr'ythee, Cynthia, look behind you, [Sings. 
 
 Ai^t; and wrinkles will o'ertake you. 
 
 L. H.i. Age, wrinkles, fmall-pox, nay, any thing 
 that's moil abhorrent to youth and bloom, were welcome 
 in the: place of fo detelted a creature. 
 
 Cam. No fuch matter, lady Harriot ; I would not be 
 a vain coxcomb, but I know I am not deteftable, nay, 
 know where you've- faid as much before you understood 
 me for your fcrvant. Was I immediately transformed 
 becaufe I became your lover ? 
 
 L. Ha. My lover, Sir ? did I ever give you realbn to 
 think I admitted you as fuch ? 
 
 Cam. Yes, you did in your ufing me illfor if you 
 did not affume upon the fcore of my pretending to you, 
 how do you anfwer yourlelf fome parts of your behaviour 
 to me as a gentleman 'Tis trivial all this in you, and 
 derogates tVom the good fenfe I know you miftrefs of. 
 Do but conlider, Madam, I have long loved you bore 
 with this fantaitic humour through all its mazes Nay, 
 
 do .not frown for 'tis no better 1 lay, I have bore 
 
 with this humour, but would you tiave me with an un-, 
 rt.anly fervituJe teed it---No, I love with too fmcere, 
 too hone it a devotion, and would you have your mind as 
 fa ult lei's as your perfon, which 'twould be, if you'll lay 
 afide this vanity of being purfued with fighs, with flat- 
 teries, with nonfcnfe. [> l Zv --walks a?>,>ut lefs violently t 
 
 lut more, corf, f:\l.\ Oh, my heart akes nt the did urbane e 
 which I give her, but fhe mull not fee it [/J/ii/e.]' Had 
 
 I not
 
 -6 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 I not better tell you of it now, that when you are in my 
 power ; I fliould be then too generous to thwart your 
 inclination. 
 
 L. Ha. That is indeed very handfbmely faid. Why 
 fhould I not obey reafon as foon as fee it \_dfidc. ~\ 
 Since fo, Mr. Campley, I can as ingenuouily as I fliould 
 then, acknowledge that I have been in an error. 
 
 [Looking dovjn on her fan, 
 
 Cam. Nay, that's too great a condefcenfion. Oh, ex- 
 cellence ! I'repent ! I fee 'twas but juflice in you to de- 
 mand my knees, [Kneeling.'} my fighs, my conftant, 
 tendereft regard'and fen ice--- And you fhall have 'em, 
 iince you are above 'em 
 
 L. Ha. Nay, Mr. Campley, you won't recal me ta a 
 
 fault you have fo lately iV.ewn me 1 will not fuffer 
 
 this no more ecftafies ! But pray, Sir, what was't 
 
 you did to get my lifter out of the room ? 
 
 Cam. You may Icnow it, and I muft defire you to affift 
 
 my lord Hardy there, who writ to her by me P'or he 
 
 is no ravimer, as you called me juft now He is now 
 
 in the houfe And I would fain gain an interview 
 
 L. Ha. That they may have But they'll make little 
 ufe of it : for the tongue is the inftrument of fpeech 
 to us of a lower form ; they are of that high order of 
 lovers, who know none but eloquent filence* and can 
 utter themfelves only by a gefture that fpeaks their 
 paffion inexprem'ble and what not fine things. 
 
 Cam. But pray let's go into your filler's clofet, while 
 they are together. 
 
 L. Ha. I fwear I don't know how to fee my filler 
 flie'll laugh me to death to fee me out of my pantoufles, 
 
 and you and I thus familiar However, I know fhe'll 
 
 approve it. 
 
 Cam. You may boaft yourfelf an heroine to her, and 
 the firft woraan that was ever vanquifhed by hearing 
 truth, and had fincerity enough to receive fo rough an 
 obligation, as being made acquainted with her fault? 
 Come, Madam, Hand your ground bravely, we'll march 
 in- to her thus. ^ \&* leaning on Camplry. 
 
 L. Ha. Who'll believe a woman's anger more? I've 
 betrayed the whole lex to you, Mr. Campley." [Exeunt. 
 
 Re-enter
 
 THEFUNERAL. 37 
 
 Re-enter Lord Hardy and Campley. 
 Camp. My lord, her fitter, who now is mine, will 
 immediately fend her hither But be yourfelf- Charge 
 her bravely ' I wifti (he were a cannon An eigh- 
 
 * teen pounder for your fake Then I know, were 
 
 * there occafion, you'd be in the mouth of her ' 
 
 L. Ha. I long, yet fear to fee her 1 know I am 
 
 unable to utter myfelf 
 
 Camp. Come, retire here 'till ftie appears. 
 Enter Lady Chariot. 
 
 L. Co. Now is the tender moment now approaching. 
 \_Ajule.1 There he is [They approach andfalute each other 
 trembling.] Your lordfliip will pleafe to fit ; [jffter a vciy 
 loiig paufe,Jlokn glances, and irrejolute grfturc s.~\ your lordj- 
 fhip, I think, has travelled thofe parts of Italy where 
 the armies are 
 
 L. H. Yes, Madam. 
 
 L. Ch. I think I have letters from you, dated Mantua. 
 
 L. Ha. I hope you have, Madam, and that their 
 purpofe 
 
 L. Ch. My lord ? [ Looking ferious and confufed. 
 
 L. Ha. Was not your ladyfhip going to fay fome- 
 thing ? 
 
 L. Ch. I only attended to what your lordfhip was go- 
 ing to fay That is, my lord- --But you were, I believe, 
 going to fay fomething of that garden of the world, 
 Italy I am very forry your misfortunes in England 
 are fuch as make you juftly regret your leaving that 
 place. 
 
 L. Ha. There is a perfon in England may make thofe 
 lofles infenfible to me. 
 
 L. Ch* Indeed, my lord, there have fo very few 
 of quality aitended his majefty's in the war, that your 
 birth and merit may well hopp for his favour. 
 
 Ld. Ha. I have, indeed, all the zeal in the world for 
 his majefty's fervice, and moil grateful afteclion for his 
 perfon, but did not then mean him. 
 
 Ld. Ch. But can you indeed impartially fay that our 
 itland is really preferable to the relt of the world, or is 
 it an arrogance only in us to think fo ? 
 
 Ld. Ha, I proicif , Madam, that little I have feen has 
 D but
 
 3* THEFITNERAL, 
 
 but more endeared England to me; for that medley of 
 humours which perhaps diftrafts our public affairs, does, 
 methinks improve our private lives, and makes conver- 
 f ttion more various, and confequently more pleafing 
 Every where elfe both men and things have the fame 
 countenance In Fiance you meet much civility and 
 little friendship ; in Holland, deep attention, but little 
 veflcftion; in Italy, all pleafure, but no mirth But 
 here with us, where you have efcery where pieten- 
 .ders, or maflers in every thing, you can't fall into com- 
 pany, \vherein you (hall not be inttruc"ted or diverted. 
 
 L. Cb. I neveHiad an account of any thing from you, 
 my lord, but I mourned the lofs of my brother, you 
 would have been fo happy a companion for him With 
 that right fenfe of yours My lord, you need not bow 
 fo oblequiouflyi for I do you but juftice But you fent 
 me word of your feeing a lady in Italy very like me 
 Did you vint her often ? 
 
 L. Ha. Once or twice, but I obferved her fo loofe a 
 creature, that I could have killed her for having your 
 perfon. 
 
 L. Cb. I thank you? Sir ; but heaven that preferves 
 me unlike her, will, I hope, make her more like me 
 But your fellow-traveller His relations themfelvea 
 ki ow not a juft account of him. 
 
 L. Ha. The original caufe of his fever was a violent 
 paffion for a fine young woman he had not power to 
 Jpenk to but I told her his regard for her as paffionately 
 as polTible. 
 
 L. Cb. You were to him, what 'Mr. Campley has 
 been to you Whither am I running Poor youririend 
 Poor gentleman. 
 
 Ld. Ha. I hope then as Campley '$ eloquence is 
 greater, fo has been his fuccefs, 
 
 L.C/'. My lord? 
 
 Ld. Ha. Your ladyftip's. 
 
 Enter Lady Harriot. 
 
 L. Ha. Undone ! Undone ! Tattelaid has found, by 
 ibme means or other, that Campley brought my lord 
 ILrdy hither ; we are utterly ruined, ray lady's coming 
 
 Ld. Ha. I'll ftay and conrronther. 
 
 L. Cb. It muft not be we are too much in her 
 power. 
 
 Enter
 
 THEFUNERAL. 39 
 
 Enter Campley. 
 
 Cam. Come, come, my lord, we're routed horfe aid 
 foot Down the back flairs, and fo out. [Exeunt. 
 
 Ladies. Ay, ay 
 
 L. Ha. I tremble every joint of me 
 
 L. Ch. I'm at a ftand a little, but rage will recover 
 ne ; (he's coining in - 
 
 Enter Widow. 
 
 Wid. Ladies, your fervant I tear I interrupt you, 
 have you company ? Lady Harriot, your fervant, lady 
 Chariot, your lervant? What, not a "word Oh, I beg 
 your ladyfliip's pardon Lady Chariot did I fay ? My 
 young lady Brumpton, I wifh you joy. 
 
 L. Ch. Oh, your fervant, lady dowager Brumpton- 
 
 !.-*.>_ _- ii^^r -* i_ 
 
 OU- 
 
 That's an appellation of much more joy to yoi 
 
 Wid. So fmart, Madam ; but you mould, methinks, 
 have made one acquainted Yet, Madam, your conduct 
 is feen through 
 
 L. Cb. My conduct, lady Brumpton ! 
 
 Wid. Your conduct, lady Chariot ! 
 
 \Coming up to eat. b other. 
 
 L. Cb, Madam, 'tis you are feen through all your 
 thin difguifes 
 
 Wid. I feen ? By whom \ 
 
 L. Cb. By an all-piercing eye ; nay, by what you 
 much more fear, the eye of the world---The world fees 
 you, or {hall fee you : it fhall know your fecret intem- 
 perance, your public fafting Loofe poems in your 
 clofer, an homily on your toilette---Your eafy ikilful 
 practifed hypocrify, by which you wrought on your 
 mi (band bafely to transfer the truft and ward of us, two 
 helplefs virgins, into the hands and care of I cannot 
 name it You're a wicked woman. 
 
 L. Ha. \_Afide.~\ Oh, rare fifterj. 'Tis a fine thing to 
 Iceep one's anger in ftock by one ; we that are angry and 
 pleafed every half hour, having nothing at all of all this 
 high-flown fury ! Why, ihe rages like a princefs in a 
 
 tragedy ! Bleflincrs on her tongue 
 
 Wid. Is this the effect of your morning lectures, your 
 felf-examination, all this fury. 
 
 L. Cb. Yes, it is, Madam, if I take pains to govern 
 D z my
 
 40 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 my paffions, it liiall not give licence to others to govern 
 
 'cm for me 
 
 W1J. Well, lady Chariot, however you ill deferve it 
 of me, I ft all take care, while there are locks and bars, 
 to keep you from lord Hardy From being a leiger lady, 
 -from carrying a knapfack. 
 
 L. Cb.' Knapfack ! Do you upbraid the 'poverty youi 
 
 own wicked arts have brought him to Knapfack ! Oh^ 
 
 rant me patience, can I hear this of the man I love ? 
 
 Knapfack 1 I have not words. [Stamps about the room. 
 
 Witk I leave you to cool upon it ; love and anger are 
 
 very warm paffions [Exit. 
 
 L. Ha. She has locked us in 
 
 - L. Cb. Knapfack ? Well, I will break walls to go to 
 him I couki fit down and cry my eyes out ! Dear 
 ' filler, what a rage have I been in ?' Knapfack ! I'll 
 give vent to my juft refentment Oh, how {hall I avoid 
 this bafe woman, how meet that excellent man ! ' What 
 an helplefs condition are you and 1 in now? If we run 
 into the world, that youth and innocence, which 
 ftiould demand affiilance, does but attract invaders. 
 Will Providence guard us ? How do I fee that our fex 
 is naturally indigent of protection ?' I hope 'tis in 
 fate to crown our loves ; fur it is only in the protection 
 i men of honour, that we are naturally truly fate ; 
 ' And woman's happinefs, for all her fcorn, 
 4 Is only by that fide whence (he was born.' 
 
 the SECOND ACT. 
 
 A T. III. 
 
 Eater Lord Hardy, Campley, and Trim. 
 
 LORD HARDY. 
 
 THAT jade Tattelaid faw me upon the flairs, for! 
 had not patience to keep my concealment, but murt 
 peep out to fee what was become of you. 
 
 Cam. But we have advice, however, it feems from 
 the gartifon already this miitrefs of Trim's is a mighty 
 
 Jucky accident 
 
 frlm, Ay, gentlemen, flic has free egrefs and regref? , 
 
 and
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 41 
 
 and you know the French are the beft bred people in th& 
 world flie'll be afliftant but, 'faith, I have one fcru- 
 ple that hangs about me and that is Look you, my 
 lord, we fervants have no matters in their abfence In 
 a word, when I am with Mademoifelle, I talk of your 
 lordfhip as only a particular acquaintance, that I do 
 bufmefs indeed for you fometimes I mull needs fay, 
 cries I, that indeed my lord Hardy is really a perfon 1 
 have a great honour for, 
 
 Ld. Ha. Piih ! is that all ? I underfland you your 
 miftrefs does not know that you do me the honour to- 
 clean my fl-.oes or fo, upon occafion Pr*ythee, Will, 
 make yourfelf as confiderable as you pleafe. 
 
 Trim. Well then, your leflbn is this She out of 
 
 her refpeft to me, and underftanding Mr. Campley was 
 an intimate of my friend my lord Hardy, and conde- 
 fcending (though file is of a great houfe in France) to 
 
 make mamua's for the improvement of the Englifti 
 
 which gives her eafy admittance She, I lay, moved 
 by thefe promifes, has vouchfafed to bring a letter from 
 my lady Harriot to Mr. Campley, and cmne to me ta 
 taring her to him. You are to underlhnd alfb, that fhe 
 is drefled in the lateft French cut ; her drefs is the model 
 of her habit, and herfelf of their manners for fhe is 
 But you fliall fee her [Exit* 
 
 Ld. Ha. This gives me fome life ! Cheer up, Tom 
 but behold the folemnity Do you fee Trim's gallantry ? 
 I fliall laugh out. 
 
 Enter Trim hading in Mademoifelle. 
 
 Trim. My dear lord Hardy, this is Mademoifelle 
 il'Epingle, whofe name you've often heard me Ugh 
 [Lit-flH&rdyfalutes her.'} Mr^ Campley Mademoifelle 
 cPEpingle. [Campley falutes her. 
 
 MaJ. Votre fervante, gentlemen, votre fervante 
 
 Cam. I proteft to you, I never Taw any thing fo be- 
 coming as your drefs---fliall I beg the favour you'd con- 
 defcend to let Mr. Trim lead you once round the room, 
 tint I may admire the elegance of your habit 
 
 [Trim leads her round*. 
 
 Ld. Ha. How could you afk fuch a thing ? 
 
 Cam. Pftiaw, my lord r you're a baihful Englifli fellow 
 
 -You fee fhe is not furprifed at it, but thinks me gal- 
 
 D lane
 
 42 T H E FUNERAL. 
 
 lant in defiring it Oh, Madam ! your air ! The neg- 
 ligence, the dilengagement of your manner ! Oh, ho\v 
 delicate is your noble nation' I fwear, there's none 
 but the clumfy Dutch and Englifti would oppofe fuch 
 
 * polite conquerors' When fhall you fee an Englifb. 
 
 woman fo drefled ? 
 
 Mad. DeEnglife! poor barbarians, poor favages, dey 
 know no more of de drefs, but to cover dere nakednefs 
 [Glides along -the room.] Dey be cloded, but no drefled 
 But, Monlieur Terim, which Monfieur Campley ? 
 
 Trim. That's honeft Tom Campley 
 
 Cam. At yourfervice, Mademoifelle 
 
 Mad. I fear I incur de cenfure, [Pulling out the letter* 
 an d re collcftlng as loth to deliver it. ~\ but Mr. Terim being 
 your intimate friend, and I defigning to honour him in 
 de way of an hu{band--So, fo, how do I runaway in, 
 
 difcourfe-< 1 never make promife to Mr. Terim before, 
 
 and now do it par accident 
 
 Cam. Dear, Will Trim is extremely obliging in having 
 prevailed upon you to do a thing, that the feverity of 
 your virtue, and the greatnefs of your quality, * (though 
 4 a ftranger in the country you now honour by your 
 dwelling in it)' would not let you otherwife condeicend 
 
 Mad. Oh, Monfieur! Oh, Monfieur! youfpeakmy 
 very thoughts Oh, 1 don't know how ! Pardon me to 
 give a billet it fo look ! Oh fy ! I cannot itay after it 
 [Drops //, rum afffftcdly to the other end of the room, 
 then quite out, r-cntcn.] I beg ten thoufand pardons for 
 go fo nval-a-propos. [Curt/ies as going. 
 
 Ld. Ha. Yourfervant, good Madam Mr. Trim, you 
 know you command here pray, if Madame d'Epingle 
 will honour our cottage with longer flay, wait on her ia 
 and entertain her Pray, Sir, be free 
 
 Trim. My lord, you know your power over me, I'm 
 all complaiiimce [Leads her out. 
 
 Cam. Now to my derr epiflle 
 
 " Sir, 
 
 *' There is one thing which you were too generous to 
 touch upon in our laft eonverfation We have reafon to 
 fear the widow's practices in relation to our fortune, if 
 
 you
 
 THE FUNERAL. 4$ 
 
 you are not too quick for her I afk lady Chariot whether 
 this is not her fenfe to Lord Hardy She fays nothing, 
 
 but lets me write on Thefe people always have, and 
 
 will have admittance every where, therefore we may hear 
 from you. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your moft obedient fervant, 
 
 HARRIOT LOVELY.* 
 
 My obedient fervant ! Thy obedience (hall ever be as 
 voluntary as now ten thoufand thoufand kifles on thee 
 
 Thou dear paper Look you, my lord What 
 
 a pretty hand it is ? 
 
 Ld. Ha. Why, Tom, thou doft not give me leave 
 
 to fee it you fnatch it to your mouth ib you'll 
 
 ftifle the poor lady 
 
 Cam. Look you, my lord, all along the lines, here 
 went the pen, and through the white intervals Her fnowy 
 fingers. Do you fee, this is her name 
 
 Ld. Ha. Nay, there's lady Chariot's name too in the 
 
 midil of the letter Why, you'll not be fo uncon* 
 
 fcionable you're fo greedy, you'll give me one kite 
 
 Cam. Well, you fhall, but you're fo eager don't 
 bite me for you fhan't have it in your own hands- 
 there, there, there Let go my hand 
 
 Ld. Ha. What an exquifitc pleafure there is in this 
 foolery But whatftiallwe do? 
 
 Cam. I have a thought; pr'ythee, my lord, call Trim. 
 
 Ld. Ha. Ha, Trim 
 
 Cam. Hold, Mr. Trim You forget his miflrefs. is 
 
 there. 
 
 Ld. Ha. Cra'mercyDear Will Trim, ftep in hither. 
 
 Cam. Ay, that's iomething 
 
 hntcr Trim. 
 
 Trim, have not I feen a young woman fometimes carry 
 Madame d'Epingle's trinkets for her, coining from my 
 lady Brumpton's. 
 
 Trim. Yes, you might have feen fuch a one, fhe waits 
 for her now. 
 
 Cam. Do you think you could not prevail for me to 
 bedrefledin that wench's clothes, and attend your mi f- 
 
 treia
 
 44 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 trefs in her ftead thither ; They'll not dream we fhoulc! 
 fo foon attempt again. 
 
 Trim. Yes, 1*11 engage. 
 
 Cam. Then, we'll truft the reft to our good genius ; 
 
 I'll about it inftantly Harriot Lovely 
 
 [Exit, &jfing the letter. 
 Enltr IViJoiv and Tattleaid. 
 
 #7/7. This was well done of you ; be fure you take care 
 of their young ladyfliips ; you (hall, I promife you, have 
 a fnip in the fale of them. 
 
 Tat. I thank your good ladyfliip. 
 
 WU. Is that the porter's paper of how d'ye's ? 
 
 Tat. Yes, Madam, he jvift fent it up; his general an 
 fwer is, that you are as well as can be.expedW in your 
 condition ; but that you fee nobody. 
 
 Wid. That's right [Reading na;e<.'\ Lady Rigg'e. 
 Lady Formal Oh, that Kiggle ! a pert ogler an indif- 
 creet, filly thing, who is really known by no man, yet ror 
 her carriage juftly thought common to all; and as For- 
 mal has only the appearance of virtue, fo (lie has only the 
 appearance of vice ' What chance, I wonder,' put 
 
 * thefe contradictions to each other into the lame 
 
 * coach, as you fay they called.' Mrs. Frances and Mrs. 
 Winnifred Glebe, who are they ? 
 
 Tat. They are the country great fortunes, have been 
 out of town this whole year ; they are thofe whom your 
 ladyfliip faid upon being very well born, took upon them. 
 to be very ill bred. 
 
 Mid. Did I fay fo ? Really I think it was apt enough ; 
 
 now I remember them Lady Wrinkle i Oh, that 
 
 fmug old weman ! there is no enduring her affectation ot 
 youth ; but I plague her } I always aft whether her 
 daughter in Wiltfhire has a grandchild yet or not 
 
 * Lady Worthy : I can't bear her company, file has fo 
 ' much of that virtue in her heart, which I have in my 
 
 * mouth only. [AftJc.^ ^Mrs. After-day : Oh, that's 
 
 (he that was the great beauty, the mighty toair. about 
 town, that's juft coire out of the fmall-pox ; flie is -hor- 
 ribly pitted, they fay ; I long to fee her, and plague her 
 with my condolence. Tis a pure ill-natured fatistk r tion 
 to fee one that was a beauty unfortunataly move with the; 
 fame languor, and foftnefs of behaviour, that once was 
 
 charming
 
 THE FUNERAL. 45 
 
 charming in her; to fee, I fay, her mortify, thatufedto 
 
 kill ; ha, ha, ha ! The reft are a catalogue of mere 
 
 names or titles they were born to ; an infipid croud of 
 neither good nor bad. But you are fure thefe other la- 
 dies fufpcft not in the leaft that I know of their coming ? 
 
 Tat. No, dear Madam ; they are to alk for me. 
 
 Wid. I hear a coach [Exit Tat. 
 
 I have now an esquilite pleafure in the thought of fur- 
 paffing my Lady Sly, who pretends to have out-grieved 
 the whole town for her hufoand. They are certainly 
 coming. Oh, no ! here let me thus let me fit and think 
 [Jf r ido<vj on her couch ; ''johile Jbe is raving^ as to her~ 
 fclfy Tattleaid foftly introduces the ladies.] Wretched, dif- 
 conlblate as I am ! Oh, welcome, welcome, dear, killing 
 anguifh ! Oh, that I could lie down and die in my prefent 
 heavinefs ! But what how ? Nay, my dear, dear lord, 
 v.hy do you look fo pale, fo ghaiHy at me? Wottoo, 
 Wottoo ! fright thy own trembling, fhivering wife 
 
 Tat. Nay, good Madam, be comforted. 
 
 II r id. Thou (halt not have me [Pnfies Tat. 
 
 Tat. Nay, good Madam, 'tis I, 'tis I, your ladyfliip's 
 own woman. 'Tis I, Madam, that drefs you, talk to you, 
 and tell you all that's done in the houfe every day ; 
 'tis I 
 
 Wid. Is it then poffible ? Is it then poffible that I am 
 left ? Speak to me not, hold me not ; I'll break the 
 liftening walls with my complaints. [Looks furprifed at 
 fte'tng the company^ tbe/i/e<verelyatT?att.\ezid.] Ah Tat- 
 tleaid ! 
 
 1 La. Nay, Madam, be not angry at her; we would 
 come iff fpite of her; we are your friends, and are as 
 concerned as you are. 
 
 W r iiL Ah, Madam, Madam, Madam, Madam, I am 
 an undone woman ! Oh, me! alas, alas ! Oh, Oh! [Ail 
 join in her notes.'] I fwoon ! I expire ! [Faints* 
 
 2 La. Pray, Mrs. Tattleaid, bring fomething that is 
 cordial to her. [Exit Tattleaid. 
 
 3 La. Indeed, Madam, you (hould have patience; hia 
 lordfhip was old. To die is but going before in a jour- 
 -ey we muft all take.
 
 46 THEFUNERAL. 
 
 Enter Tattleaid, loaded with lottks ; 3^ Lady talei a itfft- 
 
 tle from her and drinks. 
 
 4 La. Lord, how my Lady Fleer drinks! I have heard, 
 indeed, but never could believe it of her. \_Drinks alfo. 
 
 1 La. But, Madam, don't you hear what the town 
 fays of the jilt, Flirt, the men liked fo much io the Park ? 
 
 Hark ye was feen with him in a hackney coach 
 
 4 and filk {lockings' key- hole his wig 
 
 on the chair [ItTjifpcrs by interruption. 
 
 2 l^a. Impudent flirt, to be found out ! 
 
 3 IM. But I fpeak it only to you. 
 
 4 La. Nor I, but to one more. \Wblfpers next *M<nnan. 
 
 5 La. \ can't believe it ; nay, I always thought it 
 Madam. \Wbifpers the widow. 
 
 Wid. Sure 'tis impoffible ! the demure, prim thing- 
 Sure all the world is hypocrify Well, I thank my 
 
 ftars, whatfoever fufterings I have, I have none in repu- 
 tation. I wonder at the men ; I could never think her 
 handfome. She has really a good fhape and complexion, 
 but no mien ; and no woman has the ufe of her beauty 
 without mien. Her charms are dumb, they want ut- 
 terance. But whither does diftra&ion lead me to talk of 
 charms ? 
 
 1 La. Charms! a chit's, a girl's charms ! Come, 
 
 let us widows be true to ourielves, keep our countenan- 
 ces and our characters, and a fig for the maids, I mean 
 the unmarried. 
 
 2 La. Ay, fince they will fet up for our knowledge, 
 why Should not we for their ignorance ? 
 
 3 La. But, Madam, o' Sunday morning at church, I 
 curtfied to you, and looked at a great fills in a glaring 
 light drefs, next pew. That ftrong, mafculine thing is a 
 knight's wife, prerends to all the tendernefs in the world, 
 and would fain put the unwieldy upon us, for the fofr, 
 the languid. She has of a fudden left her dairy, and fet$ 
 up for a fine town lady ; calls her maid Cifly, her woman, 
 Ipeaks to her by her furname of Mrs. Cherry-fill, and her 
 great foot-boy of nineteen, big enough for a trooper, is 
 Stripped into a laced coat, now Mr. Page, forfooth. 
 
 4 La. Oh, I have feen her Well, I heartily pitr 
 fome people fbr^ their wealth ; they might have been un'- 
 known elfe You would die, Madam, to fee her and 
 
 her
 
 THE FUNERAL, 47 
 
 her equipage : I thought the honeft fat tits, her horfes, 
 were afhamed of their finery ; they dragged on, as if they 
 were all at plough, and a great bafhful-look'U booby be- 
 hind, grafp'dthe coach, as if had held one. 
 
 5 La. Alas ! fome people think there is nothing but 
 being fine to be genteel : but the high prance of the 
 horfes, and the brifk infolence of the fervants in an equi- 
 page of quality, are inimitable : ' but to our o\vn bealts 
 4 and fervants.' 
 
 1 La. Now you talk of an equipage, I envy this lady 
 the be; -my fl.e will appear in in a mourning coach, it will 
 fb become her complexion ; I conrefs I my felt mourned 
 for two years for no other reafon. Take up that hood 
 there. Oh, that fair face with a veil ! 
 
 [Tkrj take up her bood. 
 
 Will. Fie, fie, ladies ? But 1 have been told, in- 
 deed, black does become 
 
 2 La. Well, I'll take the liberty to fpeak it, there is 
 young Nutbrain has long had (I'll be fvvorn) aparlion for 
 this lady : but I'll tell you one thing I ftarlhe'll dillike, 
 that is, he is younger than fhe is. 
 
 3 La. No, that's no exception ; but I'll tell you one, 
 he is younger than his brother. 
 
 W"ul. Ladies, talk not of fuch affairs. Who could 
 love fuch an unhappy relicl as I am ? But, dear Madam, 
 what grounds have you for that idle ftory ? 
 
 4 La. Why, he toafts you, and trembles where you are 
 fpoke of. It muft be a match. 
 
 Wid. Nay, nay, you rally, you rally; but I know you 
 mean it kindly. 
 
 i La. I fwear we do. 
 
 [Tattleaid ivbifpcrs the WiJmv. 
 
 Wul. But I muft befeech you, ladies, lince you have 
 been fo compailionate as to vifit and accompany my for- 
 row, to give me the oily co-nfort I can now know, to 
 fee my friends chearful, and to honour an entertainment 
 Tattleaid has prepared within for you. If I can find 
 flrength enough, I'll attend you ; but I wifh you would 
 txcule me, for I h^ve no relifli of food or joy, but will 
 try to get a bit down in my own chamber. 
 
 i La. There is no pleafute without you. 
 
 Will. But, Madam, I mult beg of } OUJT ladyfliip not to 
 
 be
 
 4 8 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 be fo importune to my frefh calamity, as to mention Nut- 
 brain any more. I am fure there is nothing in it. In 
 love with me, quoth-a ! [Is led off. 
 
 [Exeunt Ladies, &c. 
 
 Enter Mademoifeile, and Campley in women's clothes^ 
 carrying her things. 
 
 Mad. I am very glad to be in de ladies antichamber ; 
 I was fhamed of you, you yon fuch impudent look : be- 
 fides, me wonder you were not feized by the confiabie*, 
 when you puihed deman into de kennel. 
 
 Camp, Why, (hould I have let him kitted me ? 
 
 Mad. No ; but if you had hit him wit fan; and fay, 
 why, fure, fancy-box, it been enough ; befide, what ycu 
 hitted de gentleman for offer kilfe me? 
 
 Camp. I beg pardon, I did not know you were pleafed 
 with it. 
 
 Mad. Pleafe ! no ; but me rader be kifTe den you, 
 Mr. Terim's friend be found out. Could not you fay, 
 when he kiiTe me, fure, faucy-bor, dat's meat for your 
 matter. Befides, you take fuch ftrides when you walk 
 Oh, fie ! defe little pette tiny bits a woman ileps. 
 
 [Shewing her ftefi. 
 
 Camp. But, pr'ythee, Mademoifeile, why have you 
 loft yourEnglifh tongue, all of a fudden ? Methought, 
 when the fellow called us French whores, as we came 
 along, and faid we came to ftarve their own people, you 
 gave him pretty plain Englifh ; he was a dog, a rafcal, 
 you'd fend to the flocks 
 
 Mad. Ha, ha, ha! I was in a paffion, and betrayed my- 
 felf ; but you are my lover's friend, and a man of honour, 
 therefore know you will do nothing to injure, us. Why, 
 Mr. Campley, you muft know I can fpeak as good Eng- 
 lifh as you ; but I don't, tor fearof lofing my cuftomers : 
 the Englifh will never give a price for any thing they un- 
 <lerftand. Nay, I have known fomeof your fools pretend 
 to buy with good breeding, and give any rate, rather than 
 not be thought to have French enough to know what 
 they are doing ; ' ftrange and far-fetched tnings they on- 
 ' Unlike ; don't you fee how they fwallow gallons of the 
 ' juice of tea, while their own dock-leaves are trod under 
 * toot.' Mum my Lady Harriot.
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 49 
 
 Enter "Lady Harriot. 
 Madame, votre fervante, fervante - 
 
 La. H. Well, Mademoifelle, did you deliver my 
 letter ? 
 
 Man. Oui - 
 
 La. H. Well, and how? Is that it in your hand? 
 
 Mad. Oui - 
 
 La. H t Well, then, why don't you give it me ? 
 
 Mad. Oh, fie, lady ! ciat be fo right Englile; de Eng- 
 life mind only de words of de lovers, but de words of de 
 lovers are often lie, but de action no lie. 
 
 La. Ha. What does the thing mean ? Give me my 
 letter. 
 
 Mad. Me did not deliver your letter. 
 
 La. Ha. No ? 
 
 Mad. No, me tell you me did drop it t Tee Mr. 
 Campley, how cavalier take it up. As defe me did drop 
 it, fo Monfieur run to take it up. 
 
 [They both run to tah it up, Mad. takes it. 
 
 Mad. Dus he do dere de letter - Very well, very 
 well. Oh, 1' amour! You aft de manner Mr. Campley 
 take it up better than I ; do you no fee it ? 
 
 \_Tl.vy both rnn % Harriot gets it, 
 
 La. Ha. {Reads.'} 
 
 " Madam, 
 
 *' I am glad you have mentioned what indeed I did 
 not at that time think of, nor if I had, fliould I have 
 known how to have fpoken of. But blels me more than 
 fortune can, by turning thole fair eyes upon, Madam, 
 Yo\ir moft faithful, 
 
 Moil obedient humble fervanr, 
 
 THOMAS CAMI-LEY/' 
 
 What does he mean ? But blefs me more, by turning 
 Oh, 'tis he himfelr ! {Looking abonf, ofyerves Camp. 
 ' 
 
 Oh, the hoyden ! the romp ! I did not think any 
 thing could add to your native con fide nee ; but you look 
 fo very bold in that drefs, and your arms fall oft', and 
 your petticoats, how they hang - 
 
 Camp. Madcmoifelte voulez vous de falville Teau de 
 
 Hungrie, chev. Monfieur Marchant de Montpelier Dis 
 
 for jour teet. [Shewing Ins trinkfts.'} * De eflence, a little 
 
 E ' book
 
 $o THE F U K E R A L. 
 
 ' book French for teach de elder broders make compli" 
 
 * meats. Will you, I fay, have anything that I have ? 
 
 * Will you have all I have, Madam ? 
 
 " * La. Ha. Yes, and for the humour's fake, will ne- 
 ver part with this box while I live. Ha, ha, ha !' 
 
 Camp. But, Lady Harriot, we inuft not ftand laughing; 
 as you obferve in your letter, delays are dangerous in 
 this wicked woman's cuffody of you ; therefore, I muft, 
 Madam, beieech you, and pray, ftay not on niceties, but 
 be advifed. 
 
 La. H.i. Mr. Campley, I have no will but yours. 
 
 Camp. Thou dear creature ! But [Kifjes her band.} 
 harkV, then you mutt change drelles with M ademoifelle/ 
 and go with me ioifontly. 
 
 La. Ha. What you pleafe. 
 
 Camp, Madame d'Epingle, I muft delire you t comply 
 with a humour of gallantry of ours ; you may be fure I'll 
 have an eye over the treatment you have upon my ac- 
 count, only to change habits with Lady Harriot, and let 
 her go while you ftay. 
 
 Mad. Wit all my heart. \Offers to tindrefs berfclf. 
 
 La. Ha. What, before Mr. Campley ? 
 
 Mad. Oh, Oh, very Anglaife ! Dat is fo Englife ; all 
 women of quality in France are dre.fs and undrefs by a 
 valet de chambre, de man chamber-maid help complexion 
 better den de woman. [Apart to Har. 
 
 La. Ha. Nay, that's a fecret in drefs, Mademoifelle, 
 I never knew before ; and am fo unpolifhed an Englifli- 
 wuman, as to refolve never to learn even to drefs before 
 iny huftand. Oh, indecency ! Mr. Campley, do you 
 hear what Mademoifelle fays f 
 
 Mad. Oh, hift! Bagatelle. 
 
 La. Ha. Well, we'll run in, and be ready in an in- 
 ftant. [E#t**i La. Harriot and Mademoifelle^ 
 
 Camp. Well, I like her every minute better and better. 
 What a delicate chaftity (lie has ! ' There is fomething 
 ' fo grots in the carriage of fome wives, (tho' they are 
 
 * hcnelt too; that they lofe their huftand's hearts for 
 
 * faults, which, if they have either good nature or good 
 4 breeding, they know not how to tell them of. But* 
 how happy am I in fuch a friend as Hardy, fuch a nu'f- 
 ircis as Harriot ! 
 
 Continue,
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 51 
 
 Continue, Heav'n, a grateful heart to blefs 
 With faith in friendfhip, and in love fuccefs. 
 
 [E.\it. 
 END of the THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 Enter Widow and Trufty. 
 
 WIDOW. 
 
 MR. Trudy, you have, I do aflure you, the fame 
 place and power in the management of my Lord 
 pton's eftate, as in his life-time. I am reduced to 
 a necetfuy of trufting him. \Afide.~\ However Tattleaid 
 diffembles the matter, (lie muft be privy to Lady Harri- 
 ot's efcape, and Fardingale is. as deep as them both, and 
 I fear will be their ruin, which it is my care and duty to 
 prevent. Be vigilant, and you fliall be rewarded. I fhall 
 employ you wholly in Lady Chariot's affairs, {he is aWe 
 to pay fervices done for her. You have fenfe, and un- 
 deriland me. [Exit Widow. 
 
 Truf. Yes, I do indeed underftand you, and could vvifli 
 another could with as much deteftation as I do ; but my 
 poor old lord is fo ftrangely, fo bewitchedly enamoured 
 of her, that even 'after this difcovery of her wickednefs, 
 I fee he could be reconciled to her ; and though he is 
 afhamed to confefs to me, I know he longs to fpeak with, 
 her. If I tell Lord Hardy all, to make his fortune, he 
 would not let his father be dishonoured by a public way 
 of reparation. If things are acted privately, I know 
 {he will throw us all ; there is no middle way ; I muft 
 expofe her, to make a re-union impracticable. Alas, 
 how is honeit truth banifhed the world, when we rriull 
 watch the feafons and fort avenues to men's hearts, 
 to gain it entrance, even for their own good and intereft. 
 
 [Exit. 
 Enter Lord Hardy, Campley, <jw*/Trim. 
 
 Ld. //. I forget my own misfortunes, dear Campley, 
 vhen I reflect on your fuccefs. 
 
 Camp. I aflure you it moderates the fwell of joy that 
 
 I am in, to think of your difficulties. 1 hope my telici- 
 
 2 ty
 
 4* THE FUNERAL 
 
 ty is previous to yours : my Lady Harriot gives her fer- 
 vice to you, and we both think it but decent to fufpend our 
 marriage, till your and Lady Chariot's affairs are in the 
 fame pofture. 
 
 Ld. H. Where is my Lady ? 
 
 Camp. She is at my aunt's, my lord. But, my lord, 
 if you don't interpofe, I don't know how I (hall adjuft 
 matters with Mr. Trim, for leaving his miftrefs behind 
 me ; I fear he'll demand fatisfaction of me. 
 
 'Trim. No, Sir ; alas, I can know no fatisfadion while 
 (he is in jeopardy ! therefore would rather be put in a 
 way to recover her by {forming the caftle, or other feat 
 of arms, like a true enamoured (wain as I am. 
 
 * Camp. Since we are all three then expecting lovers, 
 my lord, pr'ythee let us have that fong of your's which 
 * fuits our common purpofe. 
 
 JLd. H. Call in the boy. 
 
 Boy fmgs. 
 
 Ye minutes, bring the happy hour, 
 And Chloe blufhing to the bower j 
 Then {hall all idle flames be o'er, 
 Nor eyes or heart e'er wander more : 
 Both, Chloe, fix'd for e'er on thee ; 
 For thou art all thy fex to me. 
 
 A guilty is a falfe embrace ; 
 Corinna's love's a fairy-chace ; 
 Begone, thou- meteor, fleeting fire, 
 And all that can't furvive defire 
 Chloe my reafon moves and awe ; 
 And Cupid {hot me when he faw. 
 
 Trim. Look you, gentlemen, fince, as you are plea- 
 fed to fay, we are all lovers, and confequently poets, 
 pray do me the honour to hear a little air of mine. You 
 murt know, then, I once had the misfortune to fall in. 
 love betow myfelf ; but things went hard with us at 
 that time, fo that my paffion, or, as I may poetically 
 {peak, my fire, was in the kitchen : it was towards a 
 cook -maid ; but before I ever favv Mrs. Deborah. 
 
 Ld. //. Come on then, Trim, let us have it- 
 
 4 Trim*
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. ft 
 
 * Trim. I muft run into next room for a lute. [Exit. 
 
 * Camp. This mull be diverting. Can the rogue play r~ 
 
 ' Re-enter Trim, ivitb a pair of tongs. 
 
 * Trim* Dear Cynderaxa herfelr very well underitood 
 ' this inftrument, I therefore always lung this long to it, 
 
 * as thus : 
 
 * Cynderaxa, kind and good, 
 
 * Has all my heart and llomach too ; 
 
 * She makes me love, not hate my food, 
 ' As other peevifh wenches do. 
 
 * When Venus leaves her Vulcan's cell, 
 
 * \\ hich all but I a coal-hole call, 
 
 * Fly, fly, ye that above flairs dwell, 
 
 * Her face is wafli'd, ye vaniih all. 
 
 ' And as (lie's fair, (he can impart 
 
 * That beauty to make all things fine ; 
 
 * Brightens the floor with wond'rous art, 
 
 * And at her touch the diflies ihine. 
 
 4 Ld.H. 1 proteft, Will, thou art a poet indeed. And 
 
 * at her touch the diflies ihine And you touch, your 
 
 * lute as finely.' 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Soy. There is one Mr. Trudy below, would fpeak with 
 ray lord. 
 
 Ld. H. Mr. Truity, my father's iteward ! What can 
 he have to fay to me ? 
 
 Camp. He is very honeft, to my knowledge. 
 Ld. H. I remember, indeed, when I was turned out 
 of the houfe, he followed me to the gate, and wept over 
 me, forwhich I have heard he had like to have loft his 
 place. But, however, I mult advife with you a lirtle, 
 about my behaviour to him. Let us in. Boy, bring 
 him up hither ; tell him I'll wait on him prefentiy. 
 
 [Exit Bo?. 
 I (hall want you, I believe, here, Trim. [Exeunt. 
 
 Re-cHttr Ety and Trudy. 
 Boy, My lord will wait on you here immediately. 
 
 [Exit Boy. 
 
 %"ruf, 'Tis vcrv well. Tliefe kd^ings are but homely 
 E 3 tor
 
 54 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 for the Earl of Brumpton. Oh, that damned ftrumpet ? 
 that I (hould ever know my matter's wife for fuch. How 
 many thoufand things does my head run back to ? After 
 my poor father's death, the good lord took me, becauie 
 hevvas a captain in his regiment, and gave me education. 
 I was, I think, three-and-twenty when this young lord 
 was chriftened What ado there was about calling him 
 Francis ! [Wipes bis eyes.'] Thefe are but poor lodgings 
 for him. I cannot bear the joy, to think that I (hall lave 
 the family from which I have had my bread. 
 
 Enter Trim. 
 Trim. Sir, my lord will wait on you immediately. 
 
 Truf. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait on him [As Tram is 
 
 toing.} But, Sir, are not you the young man. that at- 
 tttendcd him at Chriit-church in Oxford, and have fol- 
 lowed him ever iince ? 
 Trim. Yes, Sir, I am. 
 
 Truf. Nay, Sir, no harm ; but you'll thrive the better 
 for it. 
 
 Trim. I like this old fellow ; I fmell more money. 
 
 [JJule. Exit. 
 
 Truf. I think it is now eight years fince I law him ; he 
 was not then nineteen, when I followed him to the gate, 
 and gave him fifty guineas, which I pretended his father 
 fent after him. 
 
 Enter Lord Hardy. 
 
 Ld. H. Mr. Truily, I am very glad to fee you ; you 
 look very hale and jolly ; you wear well ; I am glad to 
 f ce it But your commands to me, Mr. Trufty ? 
 
 Truf. Why, my lord, 1 prefume to wait upon your 
 
 lordfhip My lord, you are ftrangtly grown ; you are 
 
 your father's very picture ; you are he, my lord ; you 
 are the very man that looked fo pleated to lee me look fo 
 line in my laced livery, to go to court. I was his page, 
 when he was juil fuch another as you. He kifled me afore 
 a great many lords, and faid I was a brave man's fun, that 
 had taught him to exercile his arms. I remember he 
 carried me to the great window, and bid me be fure to 
 keep in your mother's light in >11 my finery. She was 
 the fined young creature; * the maids of honour hated 
 * to fee her at court.' My lord then courted my good 
 She was as kind to me on her death-bed j Ihe faid 
 
 to 

 
 THEFUNERAL, tf 
 
 to me, Mr. Trufly, take care of my Lord's fecond mar- 
 riage for that child's lake: fhe pointed as well as fhe 
 could to you; you fell a-crying, and faid, fhe fhould nat 
 die ; but flie did, my Lord ; fhe left the world, and no 
 one like her in it. Forgive me, my honoured mafter, 
 [ Weeps, rum to my Lord y and bugs bim.~\ I've often car- 
 ried you in thefe arms that grafp you, they were ftronger 
 then, but if I die to-morrow you're worth five thoufand 
 pounds by my gift, 'tis what I've got in the family, and 
 I return it to you with thanks but alas, do I live to 
 fee you want it ? 
 
 Ld. //. You confound me with all this tendernefs and 
 
 Tru. I'll trouble you no longer, my Lord but 
 
 Ld. H. Call it not a trouble ; for 
 
 Tru. My good Lord, I will not, I fay, indulge myfetf 
 in talking fond talcs that melt me, and interrupt my 
 fiory : my bufinefs to your lordfliip in one word, is this ; 
 I am in good confidence at prefent with my Lady 
 Dowager, and I know (he has foine fears upon heK, 
 which depend upon the nature of the fettlement to your 
 
 disfavour; and under the rofe be yourfelf I fear 
 
 your father has not h;id fair play for his life ; be compofed 
 my Lord. What is to be done in this ? We'll not apply to 
 publick juftice in this cafe, till we fee farther ; 'twill make 
 it noify, which we muftnot do, if I might advife. You 
 (hall, with a detachment of your company, feize the 
 corbfe as it goes out of the houfethis evening to be inter- 
 red in the country, 'twill only look like taking the admi- 
 niftration upon yourfelf, and commencing a fuit for the 
 eltate ; flie has put off the lying in ftate, and Lady Har- 
 riot's efcape with Mr. Campley makes her fear he will 
 prove a powerful friend, both to the young Ladies and 
 your Lordfhip. * She cannot with decency be fo bufy, 
 4 as when the corpfe is out of the houfe, therefore hafteus 
 ' it. 5 I know your whole affair, leave the care of Lady 
 Chariot to me, I'll pre-acquaint her, that fhe nny'nt be 
 fTightned, and dilpofe of her fafely to obferve the 
 UTuc. 
 
 Ld. H. I wholly underftand you, it fliall be done. 
 Tru. I'm fure I am wanted this moment for your in- 
 tereft at home. This ring fliall be the paflport. of in- 
 telligence,
 
 4& THE FUNERAL. 
 
 telligence, for whom you fend to aflault us, * and the re 5 - 
 mittance of it fealed with this, mall be authentic from 
 ' wirhin the houfe. 
 
 Ld. H. 'Tis very well. 
 
 Tru. Hope all you can wiili, my Lord, from a certain 
 fecret relating to the eftate, which I'll acquaint you 
 with next time I fee you. [Exit. 
 
 Ld. H. Your fervant This fellow's ftrangely ho- 
 
 neft Ha! Will. 
 
 Enter Trim. 
 
 Will, don't the recruits wait for me to fee them at their 
 p;irade before this houfe ? 
 
 Trim. Yes, and have waited thefe three hours, 
 
 Ld. H. Goto them, I'll be there tnyfelf immediately,. 
 we muft attack with them, if the rogues are flurdy, this 
 very evening. 
 
 Trim. I guefs where I'm overjoyed at if. 1*11 war- 
 rant you they do it, if I command in chief. 
 
 Ld. H. 1 defign you (hall [Trim runs out jumping* 
 
 * Camp. You feem, my lord, to be in deep meditation, 
 
 * Ld. H. I am fo, but not on any thing that you may 
 ' not be acquainted with.' 
 
 Enter Trim, with a Company of ragged Fi'llo-ivs, with 
 a Cane. 
 
 1 Sol. Why then I find, Mr. Trim, we fhall come to 
 blows before we fee the French 
 
 Trim. Harkee, friend, 'tis not your affair to guefs or 
 enquire what you are going to do, 'tis only for us com- 
 manders 
 
 2 Scl. The French, pox, they are but a company of 
 fcratching civet-cats They fight ? 
 
 Tr.ta. Harkee, don't blurter were not you a little mi- 
 ftaken in your facings at Steenkirk ? 
 
 2 Sol. 1 grant it ; you know I have an antipathy to the 
 
 French 1 hate to fe.e the dogs Look you here* 
 
 gentlemen, I was 3iot quite through the body Look 
 
 you. 
 
 Trim. Pry'thee, lock, where it entered at your back. 
 
 2 Sol. Look you, Mr. Trim, you will have your joke, 
 
 we know you are a wit Bat what's that to a fighting 
 
 man?
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. # 
 
 Enter Kate. 
 
 Kate. Mr. Trim, Mr. Trim - 
 
 Trim. Things are not as they have been, Mrs. Kate, 
 I now pay the company and we that pay money ex- 
 pert a little more ceremony 
 
 Kate. Will your honour pleafe to tafte fome right French 
 brandy ? 
 
 Trim. Art thou fure, good woman, 'tis right ? [Drinks.] 
 HowFrench pray nay, if I find you deceive me, 
 who pay the men [Drinks* 
 
 Kate. Pray, good matter, have you fpoke to my lord 
 about me ? 
 
 Trim. I have, but you (hall fpeak to him yourfelf 
 thou haft been a true campaigner, Kate, and we muft 
 
 not negletft thee Do you fell grey peafe yet of an 
 
 evening -Mrs. Matchlock [Drinks again* 
 
 Kate. Any thing to turn the penny, but I got more by 
 crying pamphlets this year, than by any thing I have 
 done a great while -Now I am married into the com- 
 pany again, I defign to crofs the feas next year. But, 
 mailer, my hufband, a Temple porter, and a parliament 
 man's footman, laft night by their talk made me think 
 there was danger of a peace j. why, they faid all the 
 prime people were againft a war. 
 
 Trim. No, no, Kate, never fear, you know I keep 
 great company ; all men are for war, but fome would have 
 it abroad, and fome would have it at home in their own 
 country. 
 
 Kate. Ay, fay you fo : drink about, gentlemen, not a 
 farthing to pay ; a war is a war, be it where it will ; * 
 but pray, Mr. Trim, fpeak to my lord, that when thefe 
 gentlemen have fhirts I may wafli for them. 
 
 Trim. I tell you, if you behave well to-night, you 
 (Vail have a fortnight's pay each man as a reward ; but 
 there's none of you induftrious, there's a thoufand things 
 
 you might do to help out about this town as to cry 
 
 puff puff pies. Have you any knives or fciflars 
 
 to grind or late in an evening, whip from Grubftreet 
 
 flrange and bloody news from Flanders votes from the 
 
 Houfe of Commons buns, rare buns-"- old filver 
 
 lace, cloaks, fuits^or coats old fhoes, boots or hats. 
 
 But here, here, here's my lord a coming here's the 
 
 captain,
 
 $S T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 captain ; fall back into the rank There move up in 
 
 the centre. 
 
 Enter Lord Hardy and Cnmpley. 
 
 Ld. H. Let me fee whether my ragged friends are 
 ready and about me. 
 
 Kate. Enfign Campley, enfign Campley, I am over- 
 joyed to fee your honour ; ha', the world's furely altered, 
 ha'. 
 
 Cam. It isfo, 'faith Kate; why art thou true to the 
 caufe, with the company itill, honeft Amazon. 
 
 Kate. Dear foul, not a bit of pride in him ; but won't 
 your honour help me in mybufinefs with my lord ? Speak 
 for me, noble enfign, do. 
 
 Cam. Speak to him yourielf, I'll fecond you. 
 
 Kate. Noble captain, my Lord, - 1 fuppofe Mr. Trim 
 has told your honour about my petition, I have been a 
 great fufferer in the fervice ; 'tis hard for a poor woman 
 to lofe nine huibands in a war, and no notice taken ; nay, 
 three of them, alas, in the fame campaign, here the wo- 
 man (lands that fays it, I never ftripped a man 'till I fir li 
 tried if he could ftand on his legs, and if not, I think 
 'twas fair plunder, except our adjutant, and he was a puppy 
 that made my eighth hu(band run the gauntlet for not 
 turning his toes out. 
 
 Ld. H. Well, we'll confider thee, Kate ; but fall back 
 into the rear. A roll of what ? gentlemen foldiers. 
 
 Trim, to Bumpkin.] Do you hear that, my Jr^rd himfelf 
 can't deny but we are all gentlemen as much as his ho- 
 nour 
 
 Ld. H. reading.] Gentlemen foldiers quartered in and 
 about Guy-Court in Vinegar Yard, in Ruflel-Court in 
 Drury-Lane ; belonging to the honourable Captain Hardy's 
 
 company of foot So, anfwer to your names, and march 
 
 off from the left Corporal Swagger, march eafy that I 
 
 may view you as you pafs by me ; drums, Simon* Ruffle, 
 
 Darby Tatoo there's a (hilling for you Tatto, be 
 
 always ib tight : how does he keep himfelf fo clean ? 
 
 Trim. Sir, he is a tragedy-drum to one of the play- 
 houfes. 
 
 Ld.#. Private gentlemen Alexander Cowitch, 
 
 Humphrey Mundungus, William Faggot, Nicholas Scab, 
 
 Timothy
 
 THE FUNERAL. & 
 
 Timothy Megrim, Philip Scratch, Nehemiah Duft, Hum- 
 phrey Garbage, Nathaniel Matchlock. 
 
 Cam. What, is Matchlock come back to the company ? 
 that's the fellow that brought me off at Steenkirk. 
 
 Ld. H. No, Sir, 'tis I am obliged to him for that ; 
 [Offering to give him Money] there, friend ; you fliall want 
 for nothing, I'll give thee a halbert too. 
 
 Kate. O brave me ! fliall I be a ferjeant's lady i'faith 
 I'll make the drums, and the corporals wives, and compa- 
 ny-keepers know their diftance. 
 
 Cam. How far out of the country did you come to lift? 1 
 Don't you come from Cornwal ? How did you bear your 
 charges ? 
 
 Match. I waswhipt from conftable to conftable 
 
 Trim. Ay, my Lord, that's due by the courtefy oF 
 England to all that want in red coats ; befides, there's an 
 aft that makes us free of all corporations, and that's the 
 ceremony of it. 
 
 Cam. Bat what pretence had they for ufing you fo ill, 
 you did not pilfer ? 
 
 Match. I was found guilty of being poor. 
 
 Cam. Poor devil ! 
 
 Ld. H. Timothy R*gg Oh, Ragg ! I thought when 
 I gave you your difcharge, juft before the peace, we 
 fliould never have had you again ; how came you to lift 
 now ? 
 
 Rag. To pull down the French king. 
 
 Ld. H. Bravely refolved ' but pull your fliirt 
 
 * into your breeches,' in the mean time Jeoffrey Tat- 
 ter what's become of the Ikirts and buttons of your 
 
 coat? 
 
 Tatter. In our laft cloathing, in the regiment I ferved 
 in before, the colonel had one fliirt before, the agent 
 one behind, and every captain of the regimeni a 
 button. 
 
 Ld. //. Hufh you rogue, you talk mutiny. [Smiling. 
 
 Trim. Ay, firrah, what have you to clo with more 
 
 knowledge than that of your right hand from your left ? 
 
 [Hits him a Blow on the He.-><L 
 
 Ld.//. Hugh Clump Clump, thpu growelt a little 
 
 too heavy for marching. 
 
 Tn'vt.
 
 60 THEFUNERAL. 
 
 Trim. Ay, my Lord, but if we don't allow him th 
 pay, he'll Itarve, for he's too lame to get into the hof- 
 pital. 
 
 Ld. H. Richard Bumpkin : Ha ! a perfeft country 
 hick how came you, friend, to beafoldier? 
 
 Bump. An't pleufeyour honour, I have been crofled in 
 love, and am willing to feek my fortune. 
 
 Ld. //. Well I've feen enough of them, if you mind 
 your affair, and acl like a wile general, thefe fellows may 
 
 do come, take your orders. [Trim puts b:s hat on hit 
 
 Jlick, while my Lord is giving him the ring, and ivhifpen 
 orders.] Well, gentlemen, do your buiinefs manfully, 
 and nothing (hall be too good for you. 
 
 All. Blefs your honour. [xe. Har. tfWCampley. 1 
 
 Trim. Now, my brave friends and fellow-foldiers 
 
 \ajidc\ I muft fellow-foldier them juft before battle, like 
 a true officer, though I cane them all the year round be- 
 lide [Strutting about] Major-General Trim, no, pox, 
 
 Trim founds fo very fliort and priggifli that my name 
 
 fhould be a monolyllable ! But the foreign news will 
 write me, I fuppofe, Monfieur or Chevalier Trimont. 
 Seigneur Trimoni, or Count Trimuntz, in the German 
 army, I fnall perhaps be called ; ay, that's all the plague 
 and comfort of us gi eat men, they do fo tofs our names 
 about But, gentlemen, you are now under my com- 
 mand Huzza ! thrice faith, this is very plealing, 
 
 this grandeur ! why, after all, it is upon the neck of luch 
 Icoundrels as thefe gentlemen, that we great captains 
 
 build our renown A million or two of thefe fellows 
 
 make an Alexander, and as that my predeceflbr faid in the 
 tragedy of him on the very fame occafion, going to florm 
 for his Statira, fo do I tor my dear fempllrefs, Madam' 
 d'Epingle. 
 
 When I rufh on, fure none will dare to flay ; 
 
 Tis beauty calls, and glory leads the way. 
 
 of the FOURTH ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 THE FUNERAL. 61 
 
 A C T V. 
 
 Enter Trufty and Lord Brumpton. 
 
 rf . TRUSTY. 
 
 SH E knows no moderation in her good fortune; * fl-e 
 * has, out of impatience to fee herftlfin her weeds, 
 
 * ordered her mantua-woman to ftitch up any thing im- 
 
 4 mediately' You may hear her and Tattleaid laugh 
 
 aloud Hie isfo wantonly merry. 
 
 Ld. 7?. But this of Lady Chariot is the very utmoft of 
 all ill ' Pniy read but I mult fit my late fit 
 
 * of the gout makes me adt with pain and comlraint 
 
 ' let me fee ' 
 
 Tru. She writ it by the page, who brought it me, as I 
 had wheedled him to do all their paflages. 
 
 Ld. 8. [rcadst] 
 
 " You mull watch theoccafion of the fervants being 
 gone out of the houfe with rhe corps ; Tattleaid fb.aH con- 
 duit you to my Lady Chariot's apartment away with her 
 
 -.-and befure you bed her 
 
 Yqur affectionate fitter, Mary Brumpton." 
 
 Bvumpton, The creature She called as Frank's mo- 
 therwas? Brumpton! the fucceba ! What a devil in- 
 carnate have I had in my bofom ? Why, the common 
 abandoned town-women would fcruple fuch an adtion as 
 
 this ' Tho' they have loft all regard to their own 
 
 4 chaitity, they would be tender of another's why 
 
 * lure (hie had no infancy She never had virginity, to 
 
 * have no companion through memory of her own former 
 
 * innocence* This is to forget her very humanity 
 
 her very fex Where is my poor boy ? where'* Frank ? 
 
 does not he want ! how has he lived ail this time ? not 
 
 a fervant I warrant, to attend him what company can 
 
 he keep ? what can he fay of his father ? 
 
 Tru. Though you made him not your heir, he is {till 
 your fon and has all the duty and tendernefs in the 
 world for your memory 
 
 Ld. B. It is irnpoilible, Trufty, it is impoffible I 
 will not rack myfelf with the thought. That one I 
 have injured can be fo very i;ood keep me in counte- 
 nance tell me he hates my very name wou'd net 
 
 F ' aflfumc 

 
 6 2 T H E F U N S II A L. 
 
 afllime my title, becaufe it deicends from me > 
 What's his company ? 
 
 Tru. Young To:n Campley, they are never afunder. 
 
 Ld. B. I am glad he has my pretty tattler the 
 
 chearful innocent Harriot I hope he'll be good 
 
 ta her he's good-natured and well-bred 
 
 Tru. But, my lord, flie was very punctual in order- 
 ing the funeral flie bid Sable be fure to lay you 
 
 deep enough' flie had heard fuch llories of the 
 
 wicked fextons taking up people but I wiih, my 
 
 Lord, you would pleafe to hear her and Tattleaid once 
 
 more 
 
 Ld. B. I know to what thy zeal tends: but I tell 
 
 you, lince you cannot be convinc'd but that I have ftill a 
 
 ibrtnefs for her 1 fay tho' I had fo, it fhould never 
 
 make metranf<nefs that fcrupulov.s honour that becomes 
 
 a peer of England if I could forget injuries done my- 
 
 felt thus grofs 1 never wi'.l thoie done my friends 
 
 You knew Chariot's worthy father no there's no 
 
 need of my feeing more of this woman 1 behold her 
 
 r.ow with the fame eyes that you do there's a mean- 
 
 nels in all fhe fays or does fhe has a great wit but a 
 
 little mind fomething ever wanting to make her appear 
 
 my Lady Brumpton flie has nothing natively great 
 
 you fee I lore her not- 1 talk with judgment of 
 
 her 
 
 Tru. I fee it, my good Lord, with joy I fee it nor 
 
 care how few things I fee more in this world my ia- 
 
 tisfactton is corr.pleat welcome old age -welcome 
 
 decay 'tis not decay, but growth to a latter being. 
 
 [Exit, leading IA. B. 
 Re-enter Trufty meeting Cabinet. 
 Tru. I have your letter, Mr. Cabinet. 
 Cab. I hope, Sir, you'll believe it was not in my na- 
 ture to be guilty of fo much bafenefs ; * but being born a 
 gentleman, and bred out of all road of induftrv in ' 
 that '."le manner too many are, I foon fpent a fmall 
 patrimony; and being debauched by luxury, I fell in- 
 to the narrow mind to dread no infamy like poverty 
 which made me guiltv, as that paper tells you' and 
 had I not writ to you, I am fure I never could have told 
 you of it. 
 
 Tru.
 
 THEFUNERAL. 63 
 
 Tru. It is an ingenious, pious penitence in you m) r 
 
 Lord Hardy (to whom this fecretis ineftimable) is-* 
 
 noble natured man and you fliall find him fuch 
 
 I give you my word 
 
 Cab. I know, Sir, your integrity 
 
 Tru. But pray be there all that you have to do is to 
 aft for the gentlewoman at the houfe at my Lord H-irdy's 
 
 lhe'11 take care of you And pray have patience, 
 
 where me places you, 'till yqu lee me. [Ex. Cab.] 
 My Lord Hardy's being at an houfe where they receive 
 lodgers, has allowed me convenience to place every 
 
 body I think neceflary to be by at her difcovery 
 
 This prodigious welcome fecret ! I fee, however imprac- 
 ticable honeit actions may appear, we may go oc with 
 juft hope. 
 
 All that is ours, is to be juflly bent, 
 And heav'n in its own caufe will blefa th* event. [Exit. 
 * Enter Trim and bis Party. 
 
 4 Trim. March up, march up Now we are near 
 
 the citadel and halt only to give the necellary ordeps 
 for the engagement Ha.! Clump, Clump, YY hen we 
 come to Lord Brumpton's door, and you ice us .conve- 
 niently difpofed about the houfe you are to wait till 
 
 you fee acorpfe brought out of the houfe then to go 
 
 up to him you obferve the direclou, and afk importu- 
 nately for an alms to a poor foldier for which you 
 
 may be fure you {hall have a good blow or two but 
 
 if you have not, be fancy 'till you have Then when 
 
 you fee a file of men got 'between the houfe and the bo- 
 dy A file of men, Bumpkin, is fix men I fay, when 
 you fee the file in fuch a pofture, that half the file may 
 
 face to the houfe, half to the body you are to fail 
 
 down, crying murder, that the .half file faced to the 
 
 body may throw it and themielves over you 1 then 
 
 march to your refcue Then, Swagger, you and your 
 
 party fail in to fecure my rear, while I march oft" with 
 
 the body Thefe are the orders and this, with a 
 
 little improvement of my own, is the fame difpofition 
 Villeroy and Catinat made at Chiari. 
 
 [Marches ffivitb bis party.* 
 F z Eater
 
 64 THE FUNERAL. 
 
 Enter Widow in Jeep mourning, ivitb a dead fqulrrel ott 
 
 her arm, and 1'attleaid. 
 
 *~ Wid. It muftbe fo It muft be your careleflhefs 
 What had the page to do in my bed- chamber ? 
 
 -Tat. Indeed* Madam, I can't tell But I came in and 
 catch'd him wringing round his neck 
 
 Wid. Tell the rafcal from me he (hall romp with 
 
 the footmen no more No I'll fend the rogue ifi 
 
 a frcck to learn Latin among the d'.rty boys that com* 
 to good I will But it is ever fo among thefe creatures 
 that live on one's fuperfluous affeftions ; a lady's womim, 
 page, and fquirrel, are always rivals. 
 
 Poorharmlefs animal pretty ev'n in death. 
 
 Death might have over-lox>k'd thy little life 
 
 How could'ft thou, Robin, leave thy nuts and me ? 
 How vvas't, importunate deareft, thou (hould'lt. die ? 
 
 Thou never didit invade thy neighbour's foils: 
 
 Never maxl'ft war with fpecious (hew* of peace : 
 
 Thou never haft depopulated regions, 
 
 But chearfully didit bear thy little chain, 
 
 Content So I but fed thee with this hand:* 
 Tat. Alas! alas! we are all mortal : confider, Madam, 
 -my Lord's dead too. 
 
 Wid, Ay, but our animal friends do wholly die ; an 
 fiulband or relatio*, after death, is rewarded or tor- 
 
 mented that's ibme coni'oiation ' I know her 
 
 *;rars ai:e falfe, for (he hated Robin always [a/Mr-"] 
 
 #ut flic's a well-bred difhoneil fervant, that never fpeaks 
 a painful truth But I'll refolve to conquer my af- 
 fliction Never fpeak more of Robin Hide him 
 
 rhere But to my drefs How foberly magnificent 
 
 is black and the train I wonder how widows came to 
 wear fuch long tails ! 
 
 Tat. Why, Madam, the flatelieft of all creatures has 
 the longeft tail, the peacock, nay't has of all creatures 
 
 the fineil mien too except your lady (hip, who are a 
 
 phoenix 
 
 Wid. Ho! brave Tattleaid But did not you ob- 
 obferve what a whining my Lady Sly made, when (lie had 
 drank a little ? Did you believe her ? Do you think there 
 are really people forry for their hu(bands ? 
 
 Tat.
 
 THE FUNERAL. i*$ 
 
 Tat. Really, Madam, fome men do leave their for- 
 tunes in fuch diilradtion, that I believe it may be 
 
 [ Speaks witbpias in her mouth. 
 
 1l r 'uL But I fwear I wonder how it came up to drefs 
 
 us thus 1 protxil, when all my equipage is ready,. 
 
 and I move in full pageantry, I fhall Jancy myfelf aiv 
 ambafladrefs from the commonwealth of women, the 
 
 diflrefled tfatex>f Amazonia to treat for men But 
 
 I proteft I wonder how two of us thus clad can meet with 
 a grave face methinks they fliould laugh out like 
 
 * two fortune tellers, or' two opponent lawyers that know 
 each other tor cheats. 
 
 Tat. Ha! ha! ha! I fwcar to you, Madam, your 
 
 Ladyfliip's wit will choke me one time or other 1 h;id 
 
 like to have fwallowed all the pins in my mouth 
 
 * Wld. But, Tatty, to keep houfe fix weeks, that's 
 
 * another barbarous cuftom ; but the reafon of it, I fup- 
 ' pofe, was that the bafe people fliould not fee people of 
 
 * quality may be as afflicted as themfelvts 
 
 ' Tat, No; 'tis becaufe they fliould iiot fee them as 
 
 * merry as themfelves. 
 
 * Hid. Ha ! ha ! ha ! hufley, you never faid that you 
 
 4 fpoke lail why 'tis juft 'tis latire I'm lure 
 
 4 you faw it in my face, that I Avas going to fay it 'twas 
 
 ' too good for you Come lay down that fentence and 
 
 4 the pin-cufliion, and pin up my fhoulder Hark'ye, 
 
 4 hufley, if you fhou'd, as I hope you won't, out-live 
 4 me, take care I an't buried in flannel, 'twould never 
 
 4 become me I'm fure That they can be as merry r 
 
 ' well, I'll tell my new acquaintance What's her 
 
 4 name ? flie that reads fo much, and writes verfes 
 
 4 her hufband was deaf the firft quarter of a year 1 
 
 * forget her name That exprellion flie-'ll like Well, 
 
 4 that woman does divert me ilrangely. I'll be very 
 
 4 great with her fr.e talk'd very learnedly of the ridi- 
 4 cule, 'till flie was ridiculous then fhe fpoke of the de- 
 4 cent of the agreeable of the mfenfible {Tie defigns 
 
 4 to print the difcourfe but of all things I like her 
 
 4 notion of the infenfible. 
 
 ' Tat. Pray, Madam, how was that ? 
 
 4 Wid. A moil uferul dlfcourfe to be inculcated in our 
 
 4 teens the purpofe of it is to difguife ourapprehen- 
 
 4 iiun in this ill bred generation of men, who Ipe.ik be-- 
 F 4 fure
 
 66 T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 * fore women what they ought not to hear As notf 
 
 * fuppole you were a fpark in my company, and you 
 
 * fpoke fome double entendre 1 look thus! but be a 
 
 4 fellow, and you fhall fee how I'll ufe you The in- 
 
 '* fenCble is ufeful upon any occafion, where we feemingly 
 
 * negIecV a nd fecretly approve, which is our ordinary 
 '* common cafe Now fuppofe a coxcomb dancing, 
 
 prating and playing his tricks before me to move me 
 
 * without pleafufe or diftafte in my countenance I look 
 
 * at him juft thus but Ha! ha! ha! I have found 
 out a fupplement to this notion of the infenfible, fo? 
 
 * my own ufe, which is infallible, and that is, to have 
 8 always in my head all that they can fay or do to me 
 ' fo never be furprifed with laughter, the occalion of 
 c which is always fudden . 
 
 ' Tat. Oh, my Lady Brumpton [Tattleaid bows enf 
 
 * eriffgfs.'] My Lady your moft obedient fcrvant 
 
 '* WiJ. Look you, wench, you fee by the art of infen- 
 " fibility I put you out of countenance, though you were 
 
 * prepared for an ill reception 
 
 Tat, Oh! Madam howjuftlyare you formed for 
 
 ' what is now fallen to you, the empire of mankind 
 
 * Wld. O Sir, that puts me out of all my infenfibility 
 
 * at once that was fo gallant \A nolfe within Bring 
 
 b'm along, bring him along.'] Ha ! what noife is that 
 
 t'lat noife of fighting Run, I fay Whither are 
 
 you going What, are you mad Will you leave 
 
 me alone Can't you ftir What, you can't take 
 
 your meflage with you Whatever *tis, I fuppofe you 
 
 a-e not in the plot ; not you Nor that now they're 
 
 b 'caking open my houfe for Charldt Not you Go 
 
 ice what's the matter I iTiy, I have nobody I can trufl . 
 
 One [Exit Tattleaid.] minute I think this wretch honeft, 
 and the next falfe Whither fhall I turn me ? 
 
 Tat. Madam < Madam. [Re-entring. 
 
 Wid. Madam, Madam, will you fwallow me gaping 
 
 Tat. Pray, good my Lady, be not fo out of humour 
 But there is a company of rogues have fet upon our 
 fervants and the burial man's, while others ran away with 
 the corpfe 
 
 Wid* How, what can this mean ? what can they do 
 
 With
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 67 
 
 with it ! * Well, 'twill fave the charge of interment 
 ' But to what end? 
 
 Enter Trufty, and a fervant bloody and dirty, baling in 
 Clump 4</Bumkin. 
 
 Scr. I'll teach you better manners I'll poor foldier 
 
 you You dog you, I will Madam, here are two of 
 
 the rafcals that were in the gang of rogues that carried 
 away the corpfe 
 
 Wid. We'll examine them apart Well, firrah, 
 
 what are you ? whence came you ? what's your name ? 
 firrah. [Clump makes Jigns as a dumb man, 
 
 Ser. O you dog, you could Ipeak loud enough juft now, 
 firrah, when your brother rogues mauled Mr. Sable 
 we'll make you fpeak, firrah 
 
 Wid. Bring the other fellow hither 1 fuppofe you 
 
 will own you knew that man before you faw him at my 
 door ? 
 
 Clump. I think I have feen the gentleman's face. 
 
 \So3tng to Bumkin. 
 
 Wid. The gentleman's ! the villain mocks me 
 But, friend, you look like an honed man, what are you? 
 whence come you ? What are you, friend ? 
 
 Bumb. I'fe at prefent but a private gentleman, but I 
 was lifted to be a ferjeant in my Lord Hardy's company 
 I'fe not afliamed of my name, nor of my kop- 
 
 Wld. Leave the room all. 
 
 [Exeunt <Z//K/ Trufty WTattleaid. 
 
 Mr. Trufty Lord Hardy ! O that impious young man 
 
 thus, with the facrilegious hands of ruffians to divert 
 
 his father's afties from their urn, and reft 1 fufpe6t 
 
 this frllow. \_fiflde.'\ Mr. Trufty, I muft defire you to be 
 
 1H11 near me I'll know the bottom of this, and goto 
 
 Lord Hardy's lodgings as I am, inftantly 'Tis but the 
 
 backfide of this ftrect, I think Let a coach be called 
 
 T-ittleaid, as foon as I am gone conduft my brother 
 and his friends to Lady Chariot, nway with her bring 
 Madamoifelle away to me that flie may not be a witnefs 
 
 Come, good Mr. Trufty. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Ld, Hardy, hading Harriot; Campley and Trim. 
 
 Lady Har. Why then 1 find this Mr. Trim is a perfect 
 general' but I'll aflure you, Sir, I'll never allow you
 
 68 T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 an hero, who could leave your miftrefs behind you ; 
 you fhouid have broke the houfe down, but you flioukl 
 
 have brought Madumoiielle with you. 
 
 Trim. No really, Madam, I have feen fuch ftrange 
 fears come into the men's heads, and fuch ftrange re- 
 folutions into the women's, upon the occafion of ladies 
 following a camp, that I thought it more difcreet to 
 leave her behind me my fucceis will naturally touch 
 
 her as much as if fhe were here 
 
 ' Ludy H. A good intelligent arch fellow this. [rf/-fr.J 
 But were not you faying, my Lord, you believed Lady 
 
 Brumpton would follow hither if fo, pray let me be 
 
 gone 
 
 Ld. H. No, Madam ; I mutt befeech your Ladyfhip 
 to ftay, for there are things alledged againft her which 
 you, who have lived in the family, may perhaps, give 
 light into, and which I can't believe, even fhe could be 
 guilty of. 
 
 Lady Ha. Nay, my Lord, that's generous to a folly, 
 for even for her ufageof you (without regaid to myielt) 
 I am ready to believe fhe would do any thing that can 
 come into the head of a cloie, malicious, cruel, defigning 
 woman. 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Boy. My Lady Brumpton's below 
 
 Lady Ha. I'll run then 
 
 Cam. No, no, fisnd your ground ; you are a foldier's 
 
 wife. Come, we'll rally her "to death 
 
 L. Ha. Pr'ythee entertain her a little, while I go in 
 for a moment's thought on this occiiicn, [_*//. 
 
 Lady liar. She hat more wit th.-n us both 
 
 Cam. -Pfbaw, no matter for that Be fure, as foon 
 
 as the ftntence is out of my mouth to clap in with fome- 
 
 thing elfe and laugh at all I fay; I'll be grateful, 
 
 and burft my felt at my pretty witty wife We'll fall in 
 
 flap upon her, fhe fhan't have time to fay a word of 
 
 the running away. 
 
 Enter Lady Brumpton <wv/Trufl:y. 
 O, my Lady Brumpton, your Ladyfnip's nioft obedient 
 
 fervant. This is my Lady Harriot Campley Why, 
 
 Madam, your Ladythip is immediately in your mourning 
 Nay, as you have- more wit than any body, (fo 
 
 what
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 69 
 
 what feldom wits have) you have more prudence too- 
 Other widows have nothing in readinefs but a fecond 
 hulband but you, I fee, had your very weeds and drefs 
 lying by you 
 
 L. Ha. Ay, Madam ; I fee your Ladyfliip is of the 
 order of widowhood, for you have put on the ha- 
 bit 
 
 Wid. I fee your Ladyftiip is not of the profeflion of 
 virginity, tor you have loft the look on't 
 
 Cam. You're in the habit That was fo pretty, nay, 
 
 ivithout flattery. Lady Harriot, you have a great deal of 
 ivit, ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 L. Ha. No, my Lady Brumpton here is the woman 
 6f wit ; but indeed flie has got but little enough, con- 
 fidering how much her Ladyftiip has to defend. Ha ! 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Wi<l. I am forry, Madam, your Ladyftiip has not 
 ivhat's fufficient for your occafions, or that this pretty 
 gentleman can't fupply them 
 
 [Campley dancing about and trolling. 
 Hey-day ! I find, Sir, your heels are a great help to 
 
 your head They relieve your wit, I fee ; and I 
 
 don't queftion but ere now they have been as kind to your 
 valour ; Ha ! ha ! 
 
 Camp. Pox, I can fay nothing, 'tis always thus with 
 your endeavours to be witty [ajitle.] I faw, Madam, 
 your mouth go, but there could be nothing offered in 
 anfwer to what my Lady Harriot faid 'Twas home 
 'Twas cutting fatire 
 
 L. Ha. Oh, Mr. Campley ! But pray, Madam, ha* 
 Mr. Cabinet vilited your Ladyfliip fince this calamity- 
 How ftands that affair now ? 
 
 Wid. Nay, Madam, if you already want inftru&ions 
 I'll acquaint you how the world ftands, if you 
 are in diftrefs but I fear Mr. Campley overhears 
 us. 
 
 Cam. And all the tune the pipers played, wastoll-toll- 
 
 doroll 1 fvvcar, Lady Harriot, were I not already 
 
 yours, I could have a tendre for this Lady. 
 
 Wid. Come, good folks, I find we are very free with 
 each other What makes you two here ? Do you board 
 my Lord, or he you ? Come, come, ten {hillings a head 
 
 will
 
 ? THEFUNERAL. 
 
 U'ill go s great way in a family What do you fay, Mrs. 
 Campley, is it fo ? Does your ladyftiip go to market 
 yourielf ? Nay, you're in the right or it Come- 
 can you imagine what makes my lord Itay ? He is not 
 
 now with his land iteward not figning leafes I hope ; 
 ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Cam. Hang her, to have more tongue than a man and 
 
 his wife too [dfid** 
 
 Enter Lord Hardy. 
 
 Lord Ha. Becaufe your ladyfliip is, I know, in very 
 
 much pain in company you have injured I'll be 
 
 (hort---Open thofe doors there lies your hufband's, my 
 father's body, and by you ftands the man accufes you of 
 poifoning him ! 
 
 Wid. Of poifoning him ! 
 
 Tru* Thefymptoms will appear upon the corps. 
 
 Lord Ha. 'But 1 amfeized by nature How lhalll vievf 
 & breathlefs lump of clay Plim whofe high veins con,- 
 veyed to me this vital force and motion. 
 I cannot 'bear this fight 
 
 I am as nx'd and motionlefs as he 
 
 \^Ihey open the coffin, out of which jumpt Lady Chariot* 
 Art thou the ghaftly fhape my mind had form'd ! 
 Art thou the cold inanimate Bright maid 1 
 Thou giv'ft new higher life to all around. 
 Whither does fancy, fir'd with love convey me ! 
 * Whither tranfported by my pleafing fury ! 
 ' The feafon vaniihes at thy approach ; 
 
 * 'Tis morn, 'tis fpring 
 
 * Dalfies and Hlies ftrow thy flow'ry way.' 
 Why is my fair unmov'd My heav'hly fair ; 
 Does fhe but fmile at my exalted rapture ? 
 
 L. Cba. Oh, -fenfc of praife to me unfelt before, 
 
 In what, ^nor time, nor age, nor care, nor want can 
 )h, how I joy in thee ' My eternal lover ; [alter.' 
 Immutable as the objed of thy flame ! 
 I love, I'm proud, I triumph that I love, 
 Pure I approach thee Nor did I with empty fnows, 
 Gorgeous attire, or ftudied negligence, 
 
 Or
 
 THE FUNERAL. 7* 
 
 ' Or fong, or fiance, or ball, allure thy foul ; 
 * Nor want, or fear, fuch arts to keep, or loie it :' 
 Nor ru>w .-, ith fond reluctance doubt to enter 
 My i^acious, bright abode, this gallant heart. 
 
 [Reclines on Hardy. 
 
 Lady Ha. Ay marry - thefe are high doings indeed, 
 the greatnefs or the occafion has burft their pallion in- 
 to fpeech - Why, Mr. Campley, when we are near 
 thefe fiae folks, you r.nd I are but mere fweet-hearts 
 I protetl - I'll never be won Ib ; you (hall begin again 
 with me. 
 
 Cam. Pr'ythee, why doft name us poor animals ! They 
 have forgot there are any fuch creatures as their old ac- 
 quaintance Tom and Harriot. 
 
 Lord Ha. So we did indeed, but you'll pardon us. 
 
 Cam. My lord, I never thought to fee the minute 
 wherein I Ihould rejoice at your forgetting me, but now 
 I do heartily. [Embracing^ 
 
 L. C'j. Harriot. 1 , 
 
 I.. Ha. Chariot. ] E"*"""*- 
 
 Wld. Sir, you're at the bottom of all this -I fee 
 you're flvill at clofe conveyances - I'll know the mean- 
 ing inftantly of thefe intricacies ; 'tis not your feeming 
 honefty and gravity {hall lave you from your deferts 
 My hufband's death was fuddcn You and the burial 
 fellow were obferv'd very familiar - Produce my huf- 
 band's body, or I'll try you for his murder; which! 
 find you'd put on me, thou helliih engine ! 
 
 Tru. Look you, Madam, I could anfwer you, but I 
 fcorn to reproach people in mifery - you're undone 
 
 // ':,{. What does the dotard mean ? Produce the body, 
 villain, or the law fhall have thine for it - [Truily, 
 Exit bafiily.~\ Do you defign to let the villain efcape ? 
 How jurtly did your father judge, that made you a beg- 
 gar with that fpiru You mention'd juft now you could 
 not bear the company of thofe you'd injured. 
 
 Lord //. You are a woman, Madam, and my father's 
 widow But fure you think you've highly injured r.-,e. 
 
 y^Jrre my Lord and Truily half enter axd ohfci'-ve. 
 b, Sir, I have not, will not injure you - 1 
 muft obey the will of my deceafcd lord to a tittle I 
 
 mull
 
 jt THE FUNERAL. 
 
 muft juftly pay legacies. Your father, in confideratloa 
 that you were his blood, would not wholly alienate 
 you He left you, Sir, this (hilling, with which eftate 
 you now are earl of Brumpton. 
 
 Lord H. Infolent woman It was not me my good fa- 
 ther diiinherited, 'twas him you reprefented. The guilt 
 was thine, he did an adl of juilice. 
 
 Lord Brumpton entering -with Trufly. 
 
 Ld. B. Oh, unparalleled goodnefs ! 
 * Tatt-elaid anl Mademoifelle at the other door entering, 
 
 ' Tru. Oh, Tattelaid His and our hour is come.' 
 
 Wid. What do I fee, my lord, my mailer, hufband 
 living ! 
 
 Ld. B. [Turning from her, running to hisfon,~\ Oh, mV 
 
 boy, my ion Mr. Campley Chariot Harriot. [M 
 
 kneeling to him.'} Oh, my children * Oh, Oh, thefe 
 
 * pailions are too ilrong for my old frame Oh, the 
 
 ' iweet torture, my fon, my foil !' I iliall expire in 
 the too mighty plealure ! my boy? 
 
 Ld. H. A ton, an heir ! a bridegroom in one hour ! 
 Oh, grant me heaven, grant me moderation ! 
 
 Wid. A fon, an heir ! Am I negleded then f 
 What ! can my lord revive, yet dead to me ? 
 
 Only to me deceafed to me alone. 
 
 Deaf to my fighs, and fenfelefs to .my moan ? 
 
 Ld. B. 'Tis fo long fince I have feen plays, gooil 
 Madam, that I know not whence thou doit repeat, nor 
 can I anfvver. 
 
 Wid. You can remember though a certain fettlement, 
 in which I am thy fon and heir great Noble, that 1 fup- 
 pofe not taken from a play, that's as irrevocable as law 
 can make it, ' that if you fcorn me your death and 
 
 * life are equal Or I'll ilill wear my mourning, 
 
 * 'caufe you're living.' 
 
 Tru. Value her not, my lord, a prior obligation made 
 you incapable of fettling on her, your wife. 
 
 Ld. B. Thy kindnefs, Trufty, does difirafl thee I 
 would indeed difengage myfelfbyany hone ft means, but, 
 alas, I know no prior gift that avoids this to her ' Oh, 
 
 * my child!' 
 
 Tru. Look you, Madam., I'll come again immediately 
 Be not troubled, my dear lords 1 [><>.
 
 THEFUNERAL 73 
 
 Camp. Trufty looks very confident, there is fome good 
 in that. 
 
 Re-enter Trufty with Cabinet. 
 
 Cab. What my lord -Bruin pton living ? nay then 
 7r, Hold, Sir, you muft not ftir, nor can you, Sir, 
 retraft this for your hand-writing - My lord, this 
 gentleman, fince your fuppofed death, has lurked about 
 the houfe to fpeak with my lady, or Tattleaid, who 
 upon your deceafe have fhunned him, in hopes, I fup- , 
 pole, to buy him off for ever - Now as he was 
 prying about, he peeped into your clofet - where he 
 law your lordihip reading (truck with horror, and be- 
 lieving hiinfelf (as well he might) the difru refer of your 
 ghoft for alienation of your fortune from your family 
 he writ me this letter, wherein he acknowledges a pri- 
 vate marriage with this lady, half a year before you ever 
 law her. 
 
 All. How ! [All turn upon her di 
 
 Wid. No more a widow then, but ftill a wife. 
 [Recovering from her 
 I am thy wife thou author of my evil. 
 ' Thou muft partake with me an homely board, 
 
 * An homely board that never {hall be chcarful ; 
 
 * Butev'ry meal embitter'd with upbraidings,' 
 Thou thatcould'rt tell me, good and ill were words, 
 When thou could'ft bafely let me to another, 
 
 Yet could'ft fee fprights, great unbeliever ! 
 Coward ! bugg-bear'd penitent 
 
 * Stranger henceforth to all my joys, my joys. , 
 
 * To thy difhonour ; defpicable thing, 
 
 * Difhonour thee !' Thou voluntary cuckold ! 
 
 Thou difgrace to thy own fex, and the whole human race ! 
 May fcorn and beggary puriV.c thy name, 
 And dark defpair dole up a life or fhame. 
 
 [Cabinet fiitaks off'. Widow flings after him, Tatteleaid 
 
 Ld. B. I fee you're all confufed as well as I - Ye 
 are my children - 1 hold you all fo. And for your own 
 ufevvill fpeak plainly to' you, I cannot hate that woman : 
 nor (hall me ever want. Though I (corn to bear her in- 
 juries --" yet had I ne'er I ecu roulVd 'from that 
 * low paffion to a worthSefs creature - but by Jiiiiain of 
 G her
 
 74 T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 x her attempt on my friend's child.' I am glad that 
 fcorn's confirmed by her being that fellow's 
 
 whom for my own fake I only will contemn. Thee, 
 Trulty, how fliall we profecute with equal praife and 
 thanks for this great revolution in our houie. 
 
 Tru. Never to fpeak on't more, my lord. 
 
 * Ld. B. You are now, gentleman, going into cares 
 
 at a crifis in your country. 
 
 And on this great occafion, Tom I'll mount 
 
 Old Campley which thy father gave me, 
 
 And attend trite a chearful gay old man, 
 
 Into the field to reprefent our country. 
 
 My rough Plebeian Britons, not ye flaves 
 
 To France, fliall mount thy father's fon 
 
 Upon their ilioulders. Echo loud their joy 
 
 U hile I and Trufty follow weeping after ; 
 
 But be thou honeft, firm, impartial, 
 
 Let neither love, nor hate, nor faction move thee, 
 
 DilKnguifh words from things, and men from crimes.; 
 
 Punctual be thou in payments, not bafely 
 
 Screen thy faults 'gain ft law, behind the 
 
 Law thou makert 
 
 But thou againil my death, mil ft learn a fupererogatory 
 morality. [ To Lord Hardy . 
 
 As he is to be ju ft, be generous thou: 
 
 Nor let thy reafonable foul be ftruck 
 
 With founds and appellations ; title is 
 
 No more, if not fignificant 
 
 Of Ibmething that's fuperiorin thyfelf 
 
 To other men, of which thou vnay'ft be 
 
 Confcious, yet not proud But if you fwerve 
 
 From higher virtue than the crowd pollefs, 
 
 Know they that call thee honourable mock thee. 
 
 You are to be a peer, by binh, to judge 
 
 Upon your honour, others lives and fortunes ; 
 
 Bccauie ihat honour's dearer than your own. 
 
 Be good, my fon, and be a worthy lord : 
 
 For when our fhining virtues blefs mankind, 
 
 \Ve dtfappoint the livid malecontents, 
 
 Who long to call our noble order ufelefs, 
 
 Our all% in danger, Sir, nor (hall you dally 
 
 Your youth away with your fiue wives. 
 
 No,
 
 T H E F U N E R A L. 7$ 
 
 No, in your country's caufe you fliall meet death, 
 While feeble we with minds refigned do wait it,. 
 Not but I intend your nuptials as foon as poffible, to 
 draw intails and fettlements. How neceflary fuch 
 things are, I had like to have been a fatal inftance. 
 
 * Camp. But, my lord, here are a couple th.it need not 
 wait fuch ceremonies. Pieafe but to fit ; you have 
 been extremely moved, and muft be tired. You fay we 
 muft not fpend our time in dalliance : you will fee, my 
 lord, the entertainment reminds us alfo of nobler 
 things ; and what I defigned for my own wedding, 111 
 compliment the general with. The bride dances fine- 
 ly Trim, will you dance with her ? 
 
 * Trim. I^would, but I can't There is a country- 
 man of hers without by accident. 
 
 4 Camp. Ay, but is he a dancer ? 
 
 * Trim. Is a Frenchman a dancer ? Is a Welfhman a 
 gentleman ? I'll bring him in 
 
 * [Here a d..nce, and the following foagl. 
 
 SONG I. 
 
 On yonder bed fupinely laid, 
 Behold thy lov'd expecting maid ; 
 In tremor, blufb.es, half in tears, 
 Much, much fhe wiflies, more (he fears* 
 Take, take her to thy faithful arms, 
 Hymen beftows thee all her charms. 
 
 Heav'n to thee bequeaths the fair, 
 To raife thy joy, and lull thy care; 
 Heav'n made grief, if mutual, ccafe, 
 But joy divided, to increafe : 
 To mourn with her exceeds delight, 
 Darknefs with her, the joys of light. 
 
 SONG II. 
 
 * Arife, arife, great dead, for arms renown'd, 
 
 * Rile trom your urns, and fave your dying 
 ' Your deeds will be in dark oblivion drown'd, 
 
 * For mighty William ieizes ail your glory. 
 
 G z * A gam
 
 $6 T H E F U N E R A L. 
 
 ' Again the Britifli trumpet founds ; 
 
 * Again Britannia bleeds ; 
 
 To glorious death, or comely wounds, 
 
 * Her godlike monarch leads. 
 
 * Pay us, kind fate, the debt you owe ; 
 
 * Celeftial minds from clay untie. 
 
 * Let coward fpirits dwell below, 
 
 * And only give the brave to die.' 
 
 Ld. B. Now, gentlemen, let the miferies which 1 
 have but miraculoufly efcaped, adivonifh you to have al- 
 \vays inclinations proper for the ft.'.ge of life you are in. 
 
 * Don't follow love, when nature feeks but cafe, other- 
 ' wife you will fall into a lethargy of your diftionour, 
 
 * when warm purfuits of glory are over with you ; for 
 
 * Fame and reft are utter oppofites.' 
 
 You who the path of honour make your guide, 
 Muft let your paffion with your blood fitbfide. 
 And no untim'd ambition, love, or rage, 
 Employ the moments of declining age ; 
 Elfe boys will in your prefence lofe their fear, 
 And laugh at the' grey head they fliould revere. 
 
 EPI.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Spoken by Lord HARDY. 
 
 T OVR, hope, and far, dcjirc, aver/ion, 
 ^"^ All that can move the foul^ or can ajfit 
 Are drawn in miniature of life, the ftage. 
 Here you can view yourfe lves t and here is jbovtn^ 
 To what you're lorn, in fujferings not your own*. 
 Ihe ftage to wifdom's no fantaftic way Y 
 Athens herfclf learned virtue at a play. 
 Our author me to-night a foldier drew ; 
 But faintly wrif, what warmly you purfue .- 
 To his great purpofe, had he equal fire, 
 He'd not aim to pleafc oily, but infpirc ; 
 He' d Jing what hovering fate attends our (fle r 
 And from bafe pleafure rouje to glorious toil. 
 Full time the earth /' a ne-y decijton brings. 
 While William gives the Roman eagle wings : 
 With arts and arms Jhall Bri lain tamely end,. 
 Which naked Pi8s fo bravely could defend ; 
 The fainted heroes on tb*' invaders prefs, 
 And think their wounds addition to their drefs : 
 la younger years we've been with contjueft blfft 
 And Paris has the Britijb yoke eonfff^d; 
 Is't then in England, in blefs'd England, known 
 Her kings are nam j d from a revolted throne ? 
 
 But iv offend Tou no examples need\ 
 
 In imitation, of yourfclves proceed ; 
 *fis you your country's honour nutft fccure ; 
 Be all your a&ions worthy of Na/nure : 
 With gentle fires your gallantry improve ; 
 Courage is brutal, if untoucli'tl with love. 
 If fao/i our utmojl bravery's not difplay'd, 
 7hink that bright circle- mujl be captives made ;. 
 I.rt thoughti of faving them cmr t^ls beguile^. 
 And they reward our labours with a fmik.
 
 dcfa 
 
 1.0VK IFORl-OVE 
 
 Scent /c.
 
 E L L'S EDITION. 
 
 LOVE for L OF, 
 
 A COMEDY, 
 Written ly Mr. CONGRETZ. 
 
 DISTINGUISHING ALSO THE 
 
 VARIATIONS OF THE THEATRE, 
 
 A3 PERFORMED AT T II K 
 
 . 
 
 tDjeatfC'l&opal m SDjuc^Hanc^ 
 
 Regulated from ihe Prompt-Book, 
 
 By PERMISSION of the MANAGERS, 
 
 By Mr. H O P K I N S, Prompter. 
 
 Nudus agrh, nudut nummit fatern'tS) 
 
 l-.:fan:re farat -certd ratlone modcque. HR. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 ?i;itd for JOHN BELL, near Extter-Exclange> in the StranJt 
 and C. ETHKRiNGTON.at York. " 
 
 MDCCLXXVI,
 
 
 [ 3 1 
 
 To the Right Honourable 
 
 CHAR L . E S 
 
 Earl of DORSET and 1 MIDDLESEX. 
 
 Lord Chamberlain of his Majefty's Houfhold, and KnigKt 
 of the Moll Noble Order of the Garter, &c. 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 A Young poet is liable to the fame-vanity and indlf- 
 cretkm with a young lover: and the great man 
 who fmiles upon one, and the fine woman who looks 
 kindly upon the other, are both of them in danger of 
 Raving the favour publifhed with the firil opportunity. 
 
 But there may be a different motive, .which will a little 
 diftinguilh the offenders. For, though one fliould have 
 a vanity in ruining another's reputation, yet the other 
 may only have an ambition to advance his own. And I 
 beg leave, my lord, that I may plead the latter, both as 
 the caufe and excufe of this dedication. Whoever is king, 
 is alfo the father of his country ; and as nobody can dif- 
 pute your lordfhip's monarchy in poetry ; fo all that 
 are concerned ought to acknowledge your univerfal pa- 
 tronage : and it is only prefuming on the privilege of a 
 loyal fubjedt that I have ventured to make this my ad- 
 drefs of thanks to your lordflup ; which at the fame, 
 time includes a prayer for your protection. 
 
 I am not ignorant of the common form of poetical de- 
 dications, which are generally made up of panegyric*, 
 where the authors endeavour to diftinguiih their patrons, 
 by the fhining characters they give them, above other 
 men. But that, my lord, is nor my bufinefs at this 
 time ; nor is your lordfhip now to be diftinguilhed. I am 
 contented with the honour I do myfelf in this epiftle ; 
 without the vanity to add to, or explain, your lord- 
 fhip's character. 
 
 I con-
 
 C 4 I 
 
 I confefs, it is not without fome ftruggling, that I be- 
 fcav'd myfelf in this cafe, as I ought : for it is very 
 lard to be pleafed with a fubjeft, and yet forbear it. 
 But I chufe rather to follow Pliny's precept, than hia 
 example, when in his panegyric to the emperor Trajan, 
 he fays, Ncc minus confiderabo quid awes cjus pati pojjini t . 
 qm,m quid virtutibus debeafur. 
 
 I hope I may be excufed the pedantry of a quota- 
 tion, when it is fo juflly applied. Here are fome lines 
 in the print (and which your lordlhip read before this 
 play was adted) that were omitted on the ftage ; and par- 
 ticularly one whole fcene in the third act, which not 
 only helps the defign forward with lefs precipitation, 
 but alfo heightens the ridiculous character of Forefight, 
 which indeed feems ft) be maimed without it. But I 
 found myfelf in great danger of a long play, and was 
 glad to help it were I could. Though, notuithftanding 
 my care, and the kind reception it had from the town ; 
 I could heartily wilh it yet (hotter : but the number of 
 different characters reprefeuted in it would have been 
 too much crowded in lefsi room. 
 
 This reflection on prolixity (a fault for which fcarce 
 any one beauty will atone) warns me not to be tedious 
 now, and detain your lordfliip any longer with the tri- 
 fles of. 
 
 My Lord, 
 
 Your Lordfhip's moft obedient, 
 And moft humble Servant, 
 WILLIAM CONGREVE.
 
 P R O L O G U E, 
 
 Spoken at opening the New Houfe. 
 
 ^THE hujlandman in vain renews bis toil, 
 
 To cultivate eachyear a hungry foil ; 
 Andfon-ily hopes for rich and generous fruit, 
 When what Jhou Id feed the tree devours the root 
 It? unladen boughs, be fees, lode certain death , 
 Unlefs iranfpi&nted to more kindly earth. 
 So, the poor hujlands vf the ft age, who found 
 Their labours loft upon ungrateful ground, 
 7 his la ft and any remedy have prov'd ; 
 And hope new fruit from ancient flocks removed. 
 Well may they hope, wbenjoufo kindly aid, 
 Well plant a foil which you fo rich have made* 
 As nature gave the world to man's firjl age, 
 So from jour bounty we receive. this fiage ; 
 The freedom man was born to,yoiive rv^ftffV, "> 
 
 And to our -Morldfuch pler.tyyou afford, > 
 
 Itfeenii like Eden, fruitful of its own accora.] J ' 
 
 Butjince in Paradifc frail flejli gave -u'tfv, 
 AnJwben but FMO were made both went ajlray ; 
 Forleaj-ycurwnndtr, and the fault for give ^ -\ 
 
 If in our larger family vje grieve > 
 
 One falling Adam, and one tempted Eve. j 
 
 We who remain, "Mould gratefully repay ~\ 
 
 Wliat our endeavours can, and bring, this //<jy, i 
 
 The firft -fruit offering , of a virgin play. J 
 
 We hofe there sfomctbing that may pleafe each tafte\ -\ 
 
 And tho 1 of homely fare we make the feajl, i 
 
 Y'etyou will find variety at leaft. j ; 
 
 There* s humour, which far chearfu? friends ivecctf 
 
 And for the thinking party there's a plot. 
 
 We've fometbinv too to gratify ill-nature, 
 
 (If there le any here) and that is fat ire. 
 
 Iho* fatircfcarce dares grin, ' 'tis grown fa mill, . 
 
 Or only Jbc<x sits teeth, as if itjjuiTd. 
 
 As (ijfes thiftles, poets mumble wit. 
 
 And dare not lite, for f-ar of being bit. 
 
 Thiy hold their pens, as piuords ar held hyfools^ 
 
 And arc afraid to life their ov.'fi edge-tools. 
 
 Since the Plain-Dealer^ sfcencs ofjnanly rage t 
 
 Net- one has dar\lto lajb this crying age. 
 
 Tins
 
 C 6 3 
 
 This time, the poet owns the bold cfiay, 
 
 Yet hopes there's no ill-manners in bis play 5. 
 
 Aid he declares by me, he has defign d 
 
 Affront to none, but frankly Jpeaks bis mind. 
 
 Andjhould tb' enfuing fcenes not chance to //, -\ 
 
 He off en but this one excufe, 'twas writ 
 
 Before your late encouragement of wit. j 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Coven t- Gardtn, 
 
 Druty-Latte. . 
 Sir Sampfon Legend, fa- 
 
 ther to Valentine and 
 
 Ben Mr. Love. 
 
 Valentine in love with 
 
 Angelica Mr. Reddifh. 
 
 Scandal, his friend Mr. Palmer. 
 
 Tattle, a half-witted 
 
 beau Mr. Dodd. 
 
 Bin, Sir Sampfon's 
 
 younger fon, de- 
 
 fign'd to marry Mifs 
 
 Prue Mr. Moody. ' 
 
 Torejight, uncle to An 
 
 gelica 
 Jeremy, fervant to Va 
 
 lentine 
 
 Trapland, a fcrivener Mr. Wefton. 
 Buckram, a lawyer Mr. Keen. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 Angelic a, ^niece toFore- 
 
 fight Mifs Younge. 
 
 Mrs. Forefigbt, fecond 
 
 wife to Forefight Mrs. Reddifli. 
 Mrs. Frail, Siller to 
 
 Mrs. Forefight, a 
 
 woman of the town Mrs. Jefferies. 
 Mifs Prue, daughter 
 
 to Forefight by a 
 
 former wife Mrs. Abington. 
 
 Nurje to Mils Mrs. Bradfhaw. 
 
 Jenny Mrs. Simpfon. 
 
 '-leward, Officers, Sailors, and feveral Servants. 
 ^e SCENE in LONDON. 
 
 Mr. Dunftal!. 
 
 Mr. Lewis. 
 Mr. Hull.. 
 
 Mr. Woodward, 
 
 Mr.Wilfon. 
 Mr. Parfons. Mr. Quick. . 
 
 Mr. Baddeley. Mr. Lee Lewes.. 
 Mr. Fox 
 
 Mifs Sherman. 
 Mifs Ambrofe. 
 
 Mifs Barfontu 
 
 Mrs.Mattocks, 
 Mrs. Pitt.
 
 t 7 I 
 
 LOVE for LOVE. 
 
 7-stfcenes bet-ween Scandal, and Mr. and Mrs. Forejigbt, in a& tie 
 third) 'with maty ether lines in this comedy, marked tultb inverted 
 commas, ' thus,' are very jadicioujly omitted in the r(frefentation t 
 tnd tbe lines printed in it alia, are added to conneft tbe f cents. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE, Valentine in bis chamber reading, Jeremy 
 Carting. Several looks upon tbe table* 
 
 VALENTINE. 
 TEREMY. 
 J Jer. Sir. 
 
 Val. Here, take away ; I'll walk a turn,, and digeft 
 what I have read 
 
 Jcr. You'll grow devi Urn fat upon this paper diet. 
 
 \_Afide ', and taking arjjay tbe boolts* . 
 
 Val. And, d'ye hear, go you to breakfaft There's a 
 page doubled down in Epidetus, that is a feaft for an 
 emperor. 
 
 Jcr. Was Epidletus a real cook, or did he only write 
 receipts ? 
 
 Fal. Read, read, firrah, and refine your appetite ; 
 learn to live upon instruction ; feaH your mind, and 
 mortify your flefh ; read, and take your nouri'.hment in 
 at your eyes; fliut up your mouth, and chew the cud ; 
 of underitanding. So Epi&etus adviics. 
 
 y .-->-. Oh, lord! I have heard much of him, when I 
 waited upon a gentleman at Cambridge. Pray, what 
 was that Epidletus ? 
 
 Pal. A very rich man. Not worth a groat. 
 
 Jer. Humph, and fo he has made a very fine feaft 
 where there is nothing to bo eateiu 
 
 Pah Yes.
 
 8 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Jei*, Sir, you're a gentleman, and probably under- 
 fhtnd this fine feeding : but, if you pleafe, I had rather 
 be at board wages. Does your Epiftetus, or your Seneca 
 here, or any of thefe poor rich rogues, teach you hew to 
 pay your debts' without money ? Will they fh'.'t up 
 the mouths of your creditors ? Will Plato be bail for 
 you ? Or Diogenes, becaufe he underftands confinement, 
 and lived in a tub, go to prifon for you ? 'Slife, Sir, 
 what do you mean, to mew yourft-lf up here with three 
 or four mufty books, in commendation of ftarving, and 
 poverty ! 
 
 F'aL Why, firrah, I have no money, you know it ; 
 and therefore refolve to rail at all that have : and in that 
 I but follow the examples of the wifeft andwittieft men 
 
 in all ages ; thefe poets and philofophers whom you 
 
 naturally hate, for juft ftich another reafon ; becaufe 
 they abound in fenfe, and you are a fooL 
 
 jet: Ay, Sir, I am a fool, I know it : and yet, hea- 
 ven help me, I'm poor enough to be a wit But I 
 
 was always a fool, when I told you what your expences 
 would bring you to ; your coaches and your liveries ; 
 your treats and your balls ;, your being in love with 
 a lady, that did not care a farthing for you in your 
 profperity ; and keeping company with wits, that cared 
 for nothing but your profperity, and now when you are 
 poor, hate you as much as they do one another. 
 
 f^al. Well; and now I am poor, I have an opportu- 
 nity to be revenged on them all; I'll purfue Angelica 
 with more love than ever ; and appear more notorioufly 
 her admirer in this reftraint, than when I openly rivalled 
 the rich fops, that mnde court to her; fo fhall my po- 
 verty be a mortification to her pride, and perhaps, "make 
 her compafiionate the love which has principally reduced 
 me to this lownefs of fortune. And for-the wits, I'm 
 fure I am in a cond-ticn to be even with them 
 
 Jer. Nay, your condition is pretty even with theirs, 
 that's the truth on't. 
 
 fa/. I'll take fome of their trade out of their hands. 
 
 Jer. Now heaven of mercy continue the tax upon 
 paper ; you tion't mean to write ? 
 
 Vt.L Yes, I do ; I'll write a play. 
 
 Jer, Hem! Sir, if you pleafe to give me a final! . 
 
 certificate of three lines only to certify thofe whom it 
 
 may
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. * 
 
 may concern ; that the bearer hereof, Jeremy Fetch by 
 name, has for the fpace of feven years truly and faith- 
 fully ferved Valentine Legend, efq. and that he is not 
 now turned away for any mifdemeanor; but does volun- 
 tarily difmifs his mailer from any future authority over 
 him 
 
 Vol. No, firrah, you (hall live with me ilill. 
 
 Jer. Sir, 'tis impottible I may die with you, ftarve 
 with you, or be damned with your works : but to live, 
 even three days, the life of a play, I no more expect it, 
 than to be canonized for a mufe, after my deceafe. 
 
 Pal. You are witty, you rogue, I fhall want your 
 help ; I'll have you learn to make couplets, to tag the 
 ends of acts. D'ye hear, get the maids to crambo in an 
 evening, and learn the knack of rhiming, you may ar- 
 rive at the height of a fong, fent by an unknown hand, or 
 a chocolate houfe lampoon. 
 
 Jer. But, Sir, is this the way to recover your father's 
 favour? Why Sir Sampfon will be irreconcileable. If 
 your younger brother fhould come from fea, he'd never 
 look upon you again. You're undone, Sir ; you're ruined ; 
 you won't have a friend left in the world, if you turn 
 poet Ah, pox confound that Will's coffee-houfe ! it has 
 ruined more young men than the Royal Oak lottery No- 
 thing thrives that belongs to't. The man of the houfe 
 would hare been an alderman by this time with half the 
 
 trade, if he had fet up in the city For my part, I 
 
 never (it at the door, that I don't get double the fiomach 
 that J do at a horfe-race. The air upon Banftead Downs 
 ib nothing to it for a whetter ; yet I never fee it, but the 
 fpirit of famine appears to me, fometimes like a decayed 
 porter, worn out with pimping, and earring billet-doux 
 and fongs ; not like other porters for hire, but for the 
 jeft's fake. Now like a thin chairman, melted down to 
 balf his proportion, with carrying a poet upon tick, to 
 vifit fome great fortune ; and his fare to be paid like the 
 \vages of fin, either at the day of marriage, or the day of 
 death. 
 
 ' Vol. Very well, Sir, can you proceed ? 
 
 * "Jcr. Sometimes like a bilked bookfeller with a meagre 
 ' terrified countenance, that looks as if he had written 
 ' for himfelf, or were refolved to turn author, and bring 
 
 the
 
 10 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 the reft of his brethren into the fame condition : and, 
 laftly, in the form of a worn-out punk, with verfes in 
 her hand, which her vanity had preferred to fettle- 
 ments, without a whole tatter to her tail, but as ragged 
 as one of the mufes ; or as if fhe were carrying her 
 dinner to the paper-mill to be converted into folio- 
 books of warning to all young maids, not to prefer 
 poetry to good fenfe ; or lying in the arms of a needy- 
 wit, before the embraces of a wealthy jboj/ 
 
 Enter Scandal. 
 
 Scan. What, Jeremy holding forth ? 
 VaL The rogue has, with all the wit he could mufter 
 up, been declaiming againft wit. 
 
 Scan. Ay! Why then I'm afraid Jeremy has wit: for 
 where ever it is, it's always contriving its own ruin. 
 
 Jer. Why fo I have been telling my mailer, Sir. 
 Mr. Scandal, for heaven's fake, Sir, try if you can dif- 
 fuacie him from- turning poet. 
 
 Scan. Poet ! He fliall turn foldier firft, and rather de- 
 pend upon the outfide of his head than the lining. 
 Why, what the devil has not your poverty made you 
 enemies enough ? Muft you needs fhew your wit to get 
 more ? 
 
 Jer. Ay, more indeed : for who cares for any body 
 that has more wit than hirnfelf? 
 
 Scan. Jeremy fpeaks like an oracle. Don't you fee 
 how worthlefs great men, and dull rich rogues, avoid a 
 witty man of final 1 fortune ? Why, he looks like a writ, 
 of enquiry into their titles and 'eltates ; and feems com- 
 miffioned by heaven to feize the better half. 
 
 Fal. Therefore I would rail in my writings, and be 
 revenged. 
 
 Scan. Rail ! At whom ? the whole world ? Impotent 
 and vain ! Who would die a martyrto fenfe in -a country 
 where the religion is folly ? You may (land at bay for a 
 while ; but when the full cry is againft you, you lhan't 
 have fair play for your life. If you can't be fairly run 
 down by the hounds, you will be treacheroufiy fnot by 
 the huntlmen. No, turn pimp, flatterer, quack; law- 
 yer, any thing but poet; a modern poet is worfe, more 
 fervile, timorous, and fawning, that any I have named ; 
 without you could retrieve the ancient honours of the 
 
 name..
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. n 
 
 name, recall the ftage of Athens, and be allowed the 
 force of open and honeft fatire. 
 
 yd. You are as inveterate againft our poets, as if your 
 characler h id been lately expofed upon the ftage Nay, 
 I am not violently bent upon the trade [One knocks.] 
 Jeremy, fee who's there. [Jeremy goes to the door.] But 
 tell me what you would have me do ? What do the 
 world fay of me, and my forced confinement ? 
 
 Scan. The world behaves itfelf, as it ufes to do OR 
 fuch cccaiions ; fome pity you, and condemn your fa- 
 ther; others excufe him, and blame you ; only the la- 
 dies are merciful, acd wifh you well; lince love and 
 pleafurable expencf;, have been your greateil faults. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 Fal. How now ? 
 
 Jer. Nothing new, Sir : I have diipatched fome half 
 a dozen duns, with as much dexterity as a hungry judge 
 does caufes at dinner time. 
 
 I ~al. What unfwer have you given *em ? 
 Scan. Patience, I fuppofe, the old receipt. 
 yer. No, faith, Sir ; I have put 'em oft" fo long with 
 patience and forbearance, and other fair words ; that I 
 was forced now to tell 'em in plain downright Engliih 
 Pal. What? 
 
 Jer. That they mould be paid. 
 Pal. When ? 
 Jer. To-morrow. 
 
 Val. And how the devil do you meafn to keep your 
 word ? 
 
 Jer. Keep it ? Not at all ; it has been fo very much 
 ftretched, that I reckon it will break of courfe by to- 
 morrow, and no body be furprized at the matter. 
 [Knocking.] Again ! Sir, if you don't like my nego- 
 tiation, will you be pleafcd to anfwer thefe yourfelf. 
 
 Vol. See who they are. [*//Jer.] By this, Scandal, 
 you may fee what it is to be great; fecretaries of flate, 
 prefidents of the council, and generals of an army lead 
 juft fuch a life as 1 do; havejuit fuch crowds of viii- 
 tants in a morning, all foliciting of paft promifes ; 
 which are but a civiler fort of duns, that lay claim to 
 Toluntary debts. 
 
 Scan. And you, like a true great man, having engaged 
 
 their
 
 32 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 their attendance, and promifed more than ever you in- 
 tended, to perform, are more perplexed to find evafions 
 than you would be to invent the honeft means of keep- 
 ing your word, and gratifying your creditors. 
 
 Vol. Scandal, learn to fpare your friends, and do not 
 provoke your enemies ; this liberty of your tongue, will 
 one day bring a confinement on your body, my friend. 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 Jer. Oh, Sir, there's Trapland the Scrivener, with 
 two fufpicious fellows like lawful pads, that would knock a 
 
 man down with pocket tipltaves. And there's your 
 
 father's fteward, and the nurfe with one of your chil- 
 dren from Twixrkenam. 
 
 Val. Pox on her, could fhe find no other time to fling, 
 my fins in my face. Here, give her this, [Gives nonty.] 
 and bid her trouble me no more : * a thoughtlefs two- 
 
 * handed whore, (he knows my condition well enough, 
 
 * and might have overlaid the child a fortnight ago, if Ihe 
 * had any forecaft in her. 
 
 * Scan. What, is it bouncing Margery, with my god- 
 
 * fon? 
 
 Jcr. Yes, Sir. 
 
 ' Scan. My bleffing to the boy, with this token [GV-vr 
 money.] of my love. And, d'ye hear, bid Margery put 
 
 * more flocks in her bed, fhift twice a week, and not 
 
 * work fo hard, that fhe may not fmell fo vigoroufly. 
 I fhall take the air fhortly. 
 
 * Val Scandal, don't fpoil my boy's milk.' Bid Trap- 
 land come in. If I can give that Cerberus a fop, I Dull 
 be at reft for one day. 
 
 Enter Trapland anil Jeremy. 
 
 Oh, Mr. Trapland ! my old friend ! welcome Je- 
 remy, a chair quickly. A bottle of fack and a toaft 
 fiv achairfirft. ' 
 
 Trap. A good morning to you, Mr. Valentine, and to 
 you, Mr. Scandal. 
 
 Scan. The morning's a very good morning, if you 
 don't fpoil it. 
 
 fal. Come, fit you down, you know his way. 
 
 Trap. [Sits.] There is a debt, Mr. Valentine, of 1500.'. 
 of pretty long Handing
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 13 
 
 Vol. I cannot talk about bufinefs with a thirfty palate. 
 Sirrah, thefack. 
 
 Trap. And I deiire to know what courfe you have taken 
 for the payment ? 
 
 f^al. Faith and troth, I am heartily glad to fee you, 
 my fervice to you, fill, fill, to honeit Mr. Trapland, 
 fuller. 
 
 Trap. Hold This is not to our bufinefs My fervice 
 
 to you, Mr. Scandal. [Drinks.] 1 have forborne 
 
 as long 
 
 r<il. T'other glafs, and then we'll talk. Fill, Jeremy. 
 
 Trap. No more, in truth, I have forborne, I fay 
 
 Vol. Sirrah, fill when I bid you. And how does 
 
 your handfome daughter? Come, a good hufband to 
 
 her. [Drinks. 
 
 Trap. Thank you I have been out of this money 
 
 fal. Drink firit. Scandal, why do you not drink ? 
 
 \Tb<y Jrink. 
 
 Trap. And in fhort I can be put off no longer. 
 
 Val. I was much obliged to you for your fupply : it 
 did me fignal fervice in my neceffity. But you delight 
 
 in doing good. Scandal, drink t3 me, my frit-nd 
 
 Trapland's health. An honefter man lives not, nor one 
 more ready to ferve his friend in diftrefs : though I fay 
 it to his face. Coine, fill each man his glafs. 
 
 Scan, What, I know Trapland has been a whoremafter, 
 and loves a wench {till. You never knew a whoremaftcr, 
 that was not an honeft fellow. 
 
 Trap. Fy, Mr. Scandal, you never knew 
 
 Scan. What, don't I know ? 1 know the buxom 
 
 black widow in the Poultry Pool, a year jointure, 
 
 and20,cool. in money. Ahah ! Old Trap. 
 
 P~al. Say you fo, i'faith. Come, we'll remember the 
 widow : I know whereabouts you are. Come, to the 
 
 Trap. No more, indeed. 
 
 fal. What, the widow's health ; give it him off 
 
 with it. [7/Vv </>/.] A lovely girl, i'faith, black fpark- 
 ling eyes, loft pouting ruby-lips ? Better fealing there, 
 than a bond for a million, hah ! 
 
 Trap. No, no, there's no fuch thing, we'd better 
 mind our bufinefs You're a wag. 
 
 B Pal.
 
 14 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 fed. No, faith, we'll mind the widow's bufinefs ; fill 
 
 again Pretty round heaving breails, a Barbary 
 
 ihape, and a jut wiih her bum, would ttir an anchoret : 
 and the prettieft foot ! Oh, if a man could but fallen his 
 eyes to her feet, as they fteal in and out, and play at 
 bo-peep under her petticoats, ah, Mr. Trapland ! 
 
 Trap. Verily, give me a glafs you're a wag, 
 
 and here's to the widow. [Drinks, 
 
 Scan. He begins to chuckle ; ply him clofe, or 
 
 he'll relapfe into a dun. 
 
 Eater Officer. 
 
 Of. By your leave, gentlemen. Mr. Trapland, 
 
 if we mult do our office, tell us. We have half a 
 
 dozen gentlemen to arrelt in Pall-Mall and Covent-Gar- 
 den ; and if we don't make hafte, the chairmen will be 
 abroad, and block up the chocolate-houfes, and then our 
 labour's loth 
 
 Trap. Udfo, that's true, Mr. Valentine, I love mirth, 
 but bufinefs mult be done, are you ready to . ... 
 
 Jcr. Sir, your father's ftcward fays he comes to make 
 propofals concerning your debts. 
 
 y~al. Bid him come in. Mr. Trapland, fend away 
 your officer, you fliall have an anfwer prefently. 
 
 Trap. Mr. Snap, flay within call. [Exit Officer. 
 
 Enter Jeremy, and Steward, who ivblfpers Valentine. 
 
 Scan. Here's a dog now, a traitor in his wine ; firrah, 
 refund the fack. Jetemy, fetch him fome warm water, 
 or I'll rip up his ftomach, and go the fliorteft way to his 
 confcience. 
 
 Trap. Mr. Scandal, you are uncivil; I did not value 
 your lack; but you cannot expect it again, when I have 
 drank it. 
 
 Scan. And how do you expecT: to have your money 
 again, when a gentleman has fpent it. 
 
 fa!. You need fay no more, I underftand the condi- 
 tions : they are very hard, and my neceffity is very pref- 
 ling ; I agree to 'em. Take Mr. Trapland with you, 
 and let him draw the writing Mr. Trapland, you 
 know this man, he fliall fatisfy you. 
 
 Trap. Sincerely, I am loth to be thus preffing, but 
 
 my neceffity 
 
 >W, No apology, good Mr. Scrivener, you fliall be paid, 
 
 Trap.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 14 
 
 7rap. I hope you forgive me, my bufinefs requires 
 [Exeunt Jeremy and Ste-ivan/. 
 
 Scan. He begs pardon like a hangman at an execution. 
 
 Pal. But I have got a reprieve. 
 
 Scan. 1 am furprized j what does your father relent ? 
 
 Pal. No ; he has fent me the hardeft conditions in the 
 world. You have heard of a booby -brother of mine, 
 that was lent to fea three years ago : this brother, my 
 father hears, is landed ; whereupon he very affectionate - 
 ly fends me word, if I will make a deed of conveyance 
 of my right to his ertate after his death, to my youngei 
 brother, he will immediately furnifli me with fourthou- 
 fand pounds to pay my debts, and make my fortune. This 
 was once propofed before, and I refufed it ; but the pre- 
 fent impatience of my creditors for their money, and my 
 own impatience of confinement, and abfence from An- 
 gelica, force me to conlenr. 
 
 Scan. A very defperate demonftnuion of your love to 
 Angelica: and, I think, (he has never given you any 
 affurance of hers. 
 
 Pal. You know her temper ; flie never gave me any 
 great reafon either for hope or defpair. 
 
 Scan. Women of her airy temper, as they feldom think 
 before they aft, fo they rarely give us any light to guefs 
 at what they mean : but you have little reafon to believe 
 that a woman of this age, who has had an indifference 
 for you in your profperity, will fall in love with jour ill 
 fortune ; befides, Angelica has a great fortune of her 
 own ; and great fortunes either expeft another great for- 
 tune, or a fool. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 Jer. More misfortunes, Sir. 
 
 Pal. What another dun ? 
 
 Jer. No, Sir, but Mr. Tattle is come to wait upon 
 you. 
 
 Pal. Well, I can't help it you muft bring him 
 
 up ; he knows I don't go abroad. [Exit Jeremy. 
 
 Scan. Pox on him, I'll be gone. 
 
 Pal. No, pr'ythee ftay : Tattle and you mould never 
 
 be afunder ; you are light and fliadow, and fhew one 
 
 another ; he is perfectly thy reverie both in humour and 
 
 B 2 under* 

 
 i6 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 undcrftanding ; and as you fet up for defamation, he is 
 a mender of reputations. 
 
 Scan. A mender of reputations ! ay, juft as he is a 
 keeper of fecrets, another virtue that he fets up for in 
 the fame manner. For the rogue will fpeak aloud in the 
 pofture of a whifper; and deny a woman's name, while 
 he gives you the marks of her perfon : he will forfxvear 
 receiving a letter from her, and at the fame time fhew 
 you her hand in the fuperfcripdon : and yet perhaps he 
 has counterfeited the hand too, and fworn to a truth ; 
 
 * but he hopes not to be believed ; and refufes the repu- 
 
 * tation of a lady's favour, as a doftor fays, no, to a 
 
 * bifhoprick, only that it may be granted him.' In 
 
 Ihon, he is a public profeflbr of fecrecy, and makes a 
 proclamation that he holds private intelligence. He's 
 here. 
 
 Enter Tattle. 
 
 Tat. Valentine, good-morrow ; Scandal, I am yours 
 that is when you fpeak well of me. 
 
 Scan. That is, when I am yours; for while I am my 
 own, or any body's elfe, that will never happen. 
 
 Tat. How inhuman. 
 
 Val. Why, Tattle, you need not be much concerned 
 at any thing that he fays : for to converfe with Scandal, 
 is to play at Lofing Loadum ; you muft lofe a good 
 name to him, before you can win it foryourfelf. 
 
 Tat. But how barbarous that is, and how unfortunate 
 for him, that the world (hall think the better of any per- 
 fon for his calumniation ! 1 thank heaven, it has al- 
 ways been a part of my character, to handle the reputa- 
 tions of others very tenderly indeed. 
 
 Scan. Ay, fuch rotten reputations as you have to deal 
 with, are to be handled tenderly indeed. 
 
 Tat, Nay, but why rotten? Why fliould you fay, 
 rotten, when you know not the perfons of whom you 
 ipeak ? How cruel that is ? 
 
 Scan. Not know 'em ? Why, thou never had'ft to d& 
 with any body that did not ftink to all the town. 
 
 Tat. Ha, ha, ha ; nay, now you make a jeft of it 
 indeed. For there is nothing more known, than that no- 
 body knows any thing of that nature of me. As I hope
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 17 
 
 to be faved, Valentine, I never expofed a woman, fince 
 I knew what woman was. 
 
 fal. And yet you have converfed with feveral. 
 
 Tat. To be free with you, I have 1 don't care if I 
 
 own that Nay, more, (I'm going to fay a bold word 
 now) I never could meddle with a woman, that had to 
 do with any body elfe. 
 
 Scan. How ! 
 
 Vol. Nay, faith, I'm apt to believe him. Except 
 
 her hufband, Tattle. 
 
 Tat, Oh, that 
 
 Scan. What think you of that noble commoner, Mrs. 
 Drab ? 
 
 Tat. Pooh, I know Madam Drab has made her brags 
 in three or four places, that I faid this and that, and writ 
 to her, and did I know not what But, upon my repu- 
 tation, flic did me wrong Well, well, that was malice 
 But I know the bottom of it. She was bribed to that 
 by one we all know A man too. Only to bring me into 
 difgrace with a certain woman of quality 
 
 Scan. Whom we all know. 
 
 Tat. No matter for that' Yes, yes, every body- 
 knows no doubt on't, every body knows my fecrets 
 But I loon fatisfied the lady of my innocence ; for I told 
 
 her Madam, fays I, there are fome perfons who 
 
 make it their bufinefs to tell flories, and lay this and that 
 of one and t'other, and every thing in the world - r and, 
 lays I, if your grace 
 
 Scan. Grace ! 
 
 Tat. Oh, lord, what have I faid ? My unlucky tongue ! 
 
 Vol. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Scan. W hy, Tattle, thou haft more impudence than one 
 can in realon expect : I (hall have an efteem for thee j 
 well, and, ha, ha, ha ; well, go on, and what did you 
 fay to her grace ? 
 
 Val. I confels this is fomething extraordinary. 
 
 Tat. Not a word, as I hope to be laved ; an arrant 
 lapfus lingua Come, let's talk of fomething elfe. 
 
 Pal. Well, but how did you acquit yourlelf ? 
 
 Tat. Pooh, pooh, nothing at all, I only rallied with 
 
 you a woman of ordinary rank was a little jealous of 
 
 B 3 me,
 
 i3 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 me, and I told her fortieth ing or other, faith I know 
 
 not what Come, let's talk of fomething elfe. 
 
 [Hums a fang. 
 
 Scan. Hang him, let him alone, he has a mind we 
 Ihould enquire. 
 
 Tat. Valentine, I fupped lad night with your miftrefs, 
 and her untie, old Foreiight. I think your father lies at 
 Forefight's . 
 
 Vol. Yes. 
 
 Tat. Upon my foul Angelica's a fine woman And fo 
 is Mrs. Forefight, and her lifter Mrs. Frail. 
 
 Scan. Yes, Mrs. Frail is a very fine woman, we all 
 know her. 
 
 Tat. Oh, that is not fair. 
 
 Scan. What? 
 
 Tat. To tell. 
 
 Scan. To tell what ? Why, what do you knew of Mrs. 
 Frail ? 
 
 Tat. Who, I ? Upon honour I don't know whether 
 (he be man or woman ; but by the fmoothnefs of her 
 chin, and roundnefs of her hips. 
 
 Scan. No ! 
 
 Tat. No. 
 
 Sean. She fays otherwife. 
 
 Tat. Impoffible! 
 
 Scan. Yes, faith. Afk Valentine elfe. 
 
 Tat. Why then, as I hope to be faved, I believe a 
 woman only obliges a man to fecrecy, that flie may have 
 the pleafure of telling herfelf. 
 
 . No doubt on't. Well, but has (he done you 
 wrong, or no ? You have had her ? Ha ! 
 
 Tat. Though I have more honour than to tell firft ; I 
 have more manners than to contradict what a lady has 
 ikclared. 
 
 Scan. Well, you own it ? 
 
 Tat. I am ftrangeiy furprifed 1 Yes, yes, I can't de- 
 ny't, if (he taxes me with it, 
 
 Scan. She'il be here by and by, fhe fees Valentine 
 e\ery morning. 
 
 Tat. How ! 
 
 yai. She does me the favour I mean of a vifit fome- 
 timc. . I did not think me had granted more to any body. 
 
 Scan. Nor I faiih But Tattle does not uie to belie a 
 
 ladv;
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 19 
 
 lady ; it is contrary to his character How one may be 
 deceived in a woman, Valentine ! 
 
 Tat. Nay, what do you mean, gentlemen ? 
 
 Scan. I'm refolved I'll afk her. 
 
 Tat. Oh, barbarous ! Why did you not tell me 
 
 Scan. No, you told us. 
 
 Tat. And bid me afk Valentine ? 
 
 Val. What did I fay ? I hope you won't bring me to 
 confefs an anfwer, when you never afk'd me the quef- 
 tion ? 
 
 Tat. But, gentlemen, this is the moft inhuman pro- 
 ceeding. 
 
 Val. Nay, if you have known Scandal thus long, and 
 cannot avoid fuch a palpable decoy as this was, the la- 
 dies have a fine time, whofe reputations are in your keep- 
 ing. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 Jer. Sir, Mrs. Frail has fent to know if you are ftir- 
 
 ing ^ 
 
 Val. Shew her up when fhe comes. [Exit Jer. 
 
 Tat. I'll be gone. 
 
 Val. You'll meet her. 
 
 Tat. Is there not a back way ? 
 
 Val. If there were, you have more difcretion than to 
 give Scandal fuch an advantage , why, your running 
 away will prove all that he can tell her. 
 
 Tat. Scandal, you will not be fo ungenerous Oh, I 
 lhall lofe my reputation of fecrecy for ever ! I (hall ne- 
 ver be received but upon public days ; and my vifits will 
 never be admitted beyond a drawing-room : I (hall ne- 
 ver fee a bed-chamber again ; never be lock'd in a clofer, 
 nor run behind a fcreen, or under a table ; never be dif- 
 tinguifh'd among the waiting-women by the name of 
 truity Mr. Tattle more You will not be fo cruel. 
 
 Val. Scandal, have pity on him : he'll yield to any 
 condition-s. 
 
 Tat. Any, any terms. 
 
 Scan. Come then, facrifice half a dozen women of 
 
 good reputation to me prefently Come, where are 
 
 you familiar f And fee that they are women of qua- 
 lity too, the firft quality^ 
 
 Tat. 'Tis very hard Won't a baronet's lady pa r s ? 
 
 SMUT,
 
 ao LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Scan. No, nothing under a right honourable. 
 
 Tat. Oh, inhuman ! You don't expeft their names. 
 
 Scan. No, their titles fliall ferve. 
 
 Tat. Alas, that's the fame thing. Pray fpare me their 
 titks ; I'll defcribe their perfons. 
 
 Scan, Well, begin then : but take notice, if you are 
 fo ill a painter, that I cannot know the peribn by your 
 piftureof her, you muft be condemned, like other bad 
 painters, to write the name at the bottom. 
 
 Tat, Well, firft then the countels or Oh, unfor- 
 tunate ! fhe's come already. Will you have patience till 
 another time ? I'll double the number. 
 
 Scan. Well, on that condition Take heed you don't 
 fail me. 
 
 Enter Mrs-. Frail. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. I {hall get a fine reputation, by coming ta 
 fee fellows in a morning. Scandal, you devil, are you 
 here too ? Oh, Mr. Tattle, every thing is fafe with 
 you, we know. 
 
 Scan. Tattle. 
 
 Tat. Mum Oh, Madam, you do me too much ho- 
 nour. 
 
 Vol. Well, lady galloper, how does Angelica ? 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Angelica ! manners ! 
 
 F~al. What, you will allow an abfent lover- 
 
 Mrs. Fra. No, I'll allow a lover preient with his mif- 
 trefs to be particular : but otherwife I think his paflion 
 ought to give place to his manners. 
 
 Val. But what if he has more paffion than manners ? 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Then let him marry and reform. 
 
 Val. Marriage, indeed, may qualify the fury of his 
 paffion, but it very rarely mends a man's manners. 
 
 Mrs. Fra* You are the moil miftaken in the world : 
 there is no creature perfectly civil, but a hulband ; for 
 in a little time he grows only rude to his wire, and that 
 is tliehigheft good breeding, for it begets his civility to 
 other people. Well, I'll tell you news ; but I fuppofe 
 you hear your brother Benjamin is landed ; and my bro- 
 ther Foreign. 's daughter is corae out of the coantrv 
 
 I aflureyou there's a match talk'd or by the old people 
 Well, if he be but as a great fea-beait^ sis fhe is a land- 
 
 mcnfter, we fliall have a moft amphibious breed The 
 
 pro-
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 21 
 
 progeny will be all otters : he has been bred at fea, and 
 ihe has never been out of the country. 
 
 Val. Pox take 'em, their conjunction bodes me no 
 good, I'm fure. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Now you talk of conjunction, my brother 
 Forefight has caft both their nativities, and pregnoiticates 
 an admiral and an eminent juftice of the peace to be the 
 ifiue-male of their two bodies. 'Tis the moil fuperftitious 
 old foolj He would have perfuaded me, that this was an 
 unlucky day, and would not let me come abroad : but I 
 invented a dream, and fenthim to Arternedorus for inter- 
 pretation, and fo flole out to fee you. Well, and what 
 will you give me now ? Come, I muft have fomething. 
 
 yd. Step into the next room and I'll give you 
 
 fomething. 
 
 Scan. Ay, we'll all give you fomething. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Well, what will you all give me ? 
 
 Vol. Mine's a fecret. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. I thought you would give me fomething 
 that would be a trouble to you to keep. 
 
 yal. And Scandal fhall give you a good name. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. That's more than he has for himfelf. And 
 what will you give me, Mr. Tattle ? 
 
 Tat. I ? My foul, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Pooh, no, I thank you, I have enough to 
 do to take care of my own. Well ; but I'll corae aind 
 fee you one of thefe mornings : I hear you have a great 
 many pictures. 
 
 Tat. I have .a pretty good collection at your fervice ; 
 fome originals. 
 
 Scan. Hang him, he has nothing but the Seafons and 
 the twelve Caefars, paltry copies ; and the Five Senfes, 
 as ill reprefented as they are in himfelf; and he himfelf 
 is the only original you will fee there. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Ay, but I hear he has a clofet of beauties. 
 
 Scan. Yes, all that have done him favours, if you will 
 believe him. 
 
 Mrs. Fja. Ay, let me fee thofe, Mr. Tattle. 
 
 Tat. Oh, Madam, thofe are facred to love and con- 
 templation. No man but the painter and myfelf was 
 ever blefl with the light. 
 
 Mrs. Ft a. Well, but a woman 
 
 Tat.
 
 52 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Tat. Nor woman, till me confented to have her pic- 
 ture there too for then fhe's obliged to keep the fecret. 
 
 Scan. No, no, come to me if you'd fee pictures. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. You ! 
 
 Scan. Yes, faith, I ean {hew you your own picture, and 
 moft of your acquaintance to the life, and as like as at 
 Kneller's. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Oh, lyinp creature Valentine, does not 
 
 he lie ? 1 can't believe a word hefays. 
 
 Vol. No, indeed, he fpeaks truth now : for as Tattle 
 has pictures of all that have granted him favours, he has 
 the pictures of all that have refufed him ; if fatires, de- 
 fcriptions, characters, and lampoons are pictures. 
 
 Scan. Yes, mine are moft in black and unite And 
 yet there are fome fetout in their true colours, both men 
 and women. Li can fliew you pride, folly, affectation, 
 wantonnefs, inconirancy, covetouinels, diffimuiuuon, ma- 
 lice, and ignorance, all in one piece. Then I can {hew 
 you, lying, foppery, vanity, cowardice, bragging, i;n 
 potence and uglinels in another piece ; yet one of thefe 
 is a celebrated beauty, and t'other a profefl beau. I I 
 have paintings too, fome pleafant enough. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Come, let's hear 'em. 
 
 Scan. Why, I have a beau in a bagnio, cupping for a 
 complexion, and fweating for a fhape. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. So. 
 
 Scan. Then I have a lady burning brandy in a cellar 
 with a hackney coachman. 
 
 Mrs. Fra* Oh, devil ! Well but that ftory is not true. 
 
 Scan. I have fome hieroglyphicks too. I have a law- 
 yer with a hundred hands, two heads, and but one face ; 
 a divine with two faces, and one head ; and I have a fol- 
 dier with his brains in his belly, and his heart where his 
 head mould be. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. And no head. 
 
 Scan. No head. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Pooh, that is all invention. ' Hare you 
 
 * ne'er a poet ? 
 
 * Scan, Yes, I have a poet weighing words and fdling 
 
 * praife for praife, and a critick picking his pocket. I 
 
 * have another large piece too, reprefenting a fchoel, 
 
 * where there are huge proportion 'd criticks,. with long 
 
 ' wigs,
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 23 
 
 * wigs, lac'd coats, Steinkirk cravats, and terrible faces ; 
 
 * with cat-calls in their hands, and horn-books about 
 
 * their necks. I have many more of this kind, very 
 ' well paiiited, as you (hall fee.' 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Well, I'll come, if it be but to difprove 
 you. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 jfer. Sir, here's the fteward again from your father. 
 
 Pal. I'll come to him Will you give me leave, I'll 
 wait on you again prefently. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. No, I'll be gone. Come, who fquires me 
 to the Exchange ? I muft call on my fitter Forefight there. 
 
 Scan. I will. I have a mind to your filler. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. Civil ! 
 
 Tat. I will, becaufe I have a tendre for your ladyfhip. 
 
 Mrs. Fra. That's fomewhat the better reafon, to my 
 opinion. [Exeunt Tattle, feV. 
 
 * Scan. Well, if Mr. Tattle entertains you, I have 
 ' the better opportunity to entertain your filler.' 
 
 Vol. Tell Angelica, I am about making hard condi- 
 tions to come abroad, and be at liberty to (ee her. 
 
 Scan. I'll give an account of you, and your proceed- 
 ings. Jl f indifcretion be a fign of love, you are the moft 
 a lover of any body that I know : you fancy that parting 
 with your eftate will help you to your miitrefs In my 
 mind he is a thou^htlefs adventurer, 
 
 Who hopes to purchaie wealth by lelling land ; 
 
 Or win a miiirefs with a lofing hand. [Exeunt. 
 
 END of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE, a Room In ForefightV llouff. 
 ILntcr Forefight and Servant. 
 
 FORESIGHT. 
 
 HEY day ! What, are all the women of my family 
 abroad ? Is not my wife come home ? Nor my 
 ; nor my daughter ? 
 &rv. No, 'Sir. 
 
 Fore. Mercy on us, what can be the meaning of it ? 
 
 Sure
 
 24 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Sure the moon is in all her fortitudes. Is my niece An* 
 gelica at home ? 
 
 Serv. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Fore. I believe you lie, Sir. 
 
 Serv. Sir. 
 
 Fore. I fay you lie, Sir. It is impoflible that any thing 
 Ihould be as I would have it ; for I was born, Sir, when 
 the crab was afcending, and sll my affairs go backward. 
 
 Serv. I can't tell, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Fore, No, I know you can't, Sir : but I can tell, and 
 foretell, Sir. 
 
 .Ew/^r Nurfe. 
 
 Fore. Nurfe, where's your young miftrefs ? 
 
 Nurfe. Wee'ft heart, I know not, they're none of 'em 
 come home yet. Poor child, I warrant (lie's fond o'fee- 
 
 ing the town Marry, pray Heav'n they ha* given her 
 
 any dinner Good lack-a-day ; ha, ha, ha ! Oh, 
 
 ilrange, I'll vow and fwear now, ha, ha, ha, marry, 
 and did you ever fee the like ! 
 
 Fore. Why, how now, what's the matter ? 
 
 Nurfe. Pray Heav'n fend you rworfliip good luck, mar- 
 ry and amen, with all my heart, for you have put OIT 
 one flocking with the wrong fide outward. 
 
 Fore. Ha, how ? Faith and troth I'm glad of it ; and 
 fo I have, that may be good luck in troth, in troth it 
 may, very good luck : nay, I have had fome omens ; I 
 got out of bed backwards too this morning, without pre- 
 meditation; pretty good that too: but then I flumbled 
 coining down flairs, and met a wcafel ; bad omens thofe : 
 fome bad, fome good, our lives are checquer'd : mirth 
 and forrow, want and plenty, night and day, make up 
 
 our time But in troth I am pleas'd at my flecking ; 
 
 very well pleas'd at my flocking Oh, here's my niece ! 
 
 Sirrah, go tell Sir Sampfon Legend I'll wait on him 
 
 if he is at leifure. [Exit Servant.] 'Tis now three a 
 clock ; a very good hour for biifinefs: Mercury governs 
 this hour. 
 
 Enter Angelica. 
 
 Ang. Is it not a good hour for pleafure too, uncle ? 
 Pray lend me your coach, mine's out of order. 
 
 F.orc. What, wou'd you be gadding too ? Sure all fe- 
 males arc mad to-day It is of evil portent, and bodes 
 
 mif-
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 2$ 
 
 rmfchief to the mailer of a family. I remember an old 
 prophecy, written by MefTabala the Arabian, and thus 
 tranflated by a reverend Buckinghamshire bard : 
 
 When houfewives all' the houfe forfake, 
 
 And leave good men to brew and bake, 
 
 Withomen guile, then, be it faid, 
 
 That houfe doch itond upon its head ; 
 
 And when the head is fet in ground, 
 
 Ne marl, if k be fruitful found. 
 
 Fruitful, the head fruitful, that bodes horns ; the fruit of 
 the head is horns. Dear niece, Hay at home ; for by the 
 head of the houfe is meant the hufband ; the prophecy 
 needs no explanation. 
 
 sing. Weil, but I can neither make you a cuckold, 
 uncle, by going abroad ; nor fecure you from being one, 
 by (laying at home. 
 
 Fore. Yes, yes, while there is one woman left, the pro- 
 phecy is not in full force. 
 
 Aug. But my inclinations are in force ; I have a mind 
 to go abroad, and if you won't lend me your coach, I'll 
 take a hackney, or a chair, ' and leave you to eret a 
 * fcheme, and find who is in conjunction with your wife.' 
 Why don't you keep your wife at home, if you are jea- 
 lous of her when (he is abroad ? You know my aunt is a 
 little retrograde (as you call it) in her nature ; uncle, 
 I am afraid you are not lord of the afcendant, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Fore. Well, jill-flirt, you are very pert, and always 
 ridiculing that celeftial fcience. 
 
 Ang. Nay, uncle, don'c be .angry ; if you are, I'll 
 reap up all your falle prophecies, ridiculous dreams, and 
 idle divinations, I'll fwear you are a nuifance to the 
 neighbourhood. What a buftle did you keep againil the 
 laft'invinble eclipfe, laying in provifion as 'twere for a 
 liege ? VVhut a world of fire and candle, matches and tin- 
 der-boxes did you purchafe ? One would have thought 
 we were ever after to live under ground, or at Icuit ma- 
 king a voyage to Greenland, to inhabit there all the dark 
 itafon. 
 
 * Fare. Why, you malapert flut 
 
 ' slug. Will you lend me your coach, or I'll go on ? 
 
 ' N;iv, I 11 declare how you proptu-fied popery was com- 
 
 ing, only becaufe the butler had millaid fome of the 
 
 C apoitle
 
 2(> LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 * apoftle fpoons, and thought they were loft. Away went 
 
 * religion and fpoon-meat together.' Indeed, uncle, 1*1? 
 indite you for jf wizard. 
 
 Fore. How, huffy ! Was there ever fuch a provoking 
 
 mnx 
 
 Nurfe. Oh, merciful father, how flie talks ! 
 Aug. Yes, I can make oath of your unlawful midnight 
 practices ; you and the old nurfe there. 
 
 Nurfe. Marry, Heaven defend ! I at midnight practi- 
 ces 1 . Oh, lord ! what's here to do ? I in unlawful doings 
 with my matter's worfhip ! Why, did you ever hear the 
 like now? Sir, did I ever do any thing * of your mid- 
 * night concerns,' but warm your bed, and tuck you up, 
 and fet the candle, and your tobacco-box, ' and your 
 urinal' by you, and now and then rub the foles of your 
 f ee t ? Oh, lord, I } 
 
 Ang. Yes, I faw you together, through the key-hole of 
 the clofet, one night, like Saul and the witch of Endor, 
 turning the lieve and fheers, and pricking your thumbs, 
 to write poor innocent fervants names in blood, about a 
 little nutmeg grater, which flie had forgot in the caudle- 
 cup - Nay, I know fomething worfe, if I would 
 ipeak of ir. 
 
 Fore. ' I defy you, huffy' - But I'll remember this, 
 hufly ; I'll be revenged on you, cockatrice ; I'll hamper 
 you. You have your fortune in your own hands ; but 
 I'll find a way to make your lover, your prodigal, fpend- 
 thrifc gallant, Valentine, pay for all ; I will. . 
 
 Ang. Will you ? I care not ; but all fhall out then 
 Look to it, nurfe ; I can bring witnefs that you have a 
 great unnatural teat under your left arm, and he ano- 
 ther ; and that you fuckle a young devil, in the flnape 
 of a tabby-cat, by turns ; fo I can. 
 * Nurfe. A teat, a teat ! I an unnatural teat ! Oh, the 
 falie, flandercus thing ! Feel here, if 1 have any thing, 
 but like another chriitian.' 
 Fore. I will have patience, fince it is the will of the 
 ars I fliall be thus tormented. This is the effect of the 
 malicious conjunctions and opppfickms in the third houfe 
 of my nativity: there the curfeof kindred was foretold. 
 But I will have my doors locked up ; I'll punilh you ; 
 not a man fhall enter my houfe.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. *7 
 
 dng. Do, uncle, lock them up quickly, before my 
 aunt comes home : you'll have a letter for alimony to- 
 morrow morning ; but let me be gone firft, and then let 
 no mankind come near the houie : but con verfe with fjn- 
 rits and celeiHal figns, the bull, the ram, and the goat. 
 Biefs me ! there are a great many horned beads among 
 the twelve figns uncle. But cuckolds go to Heaven. 
 
 Fore. But there is but one virgin among the figns, fpit- 
 fire ; but one virgin. 
 
 Avg, Nor there had not been that one, if fhe had had 
 to do with any thing but aftrologers, uncle. That makes 
 my aunt go abroad. 
 
 Fore. How, how ! Is that the reafon ? Come, you 
 know fomething ; tell me, and I'll forgive you ; do, good 
 niece Come, you (hall have my coach and horfes faith 
 and troth you mall * Does my wife complain ? Come, 
 
 * I know women tell one another She is young and 
 
 ' fanguine, has a wanton hazle eye, and was born under 
 ' Gemini, which may incline her to fociety ; (he Las a 
 
 * mole upon her lip, with a moift palm, and an open 
 
 * liberality on the mount of Venus.' 
 dng. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Fore. Do you laugh ? Well, gentlewoman, I'll But 
 come ; be a good girl ; don't perplex your poor uncle ; 
 
 tell me. Won't you fpeak ? Od I'll 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Sir Sampfon is coming down to wait upon you. 
 
 Jlng. Goodbye, uncle Call me a chair I'll find 
 
 out my aunt, and tell her fhe muft not come home. 
 
 [Exeunt Servant and Angelica .. 
 
 fcrf. I am fo perplexed and vexed, I am not fit to re- 
 ceive him ; I (hall fcarce recover myfelf before the hour 
 be part. Go, nurfe, tell Sir Sampfou I am ready to wait 
 on him. 
 
 Nurfe. Yes, Sir. [Exit. 
 
 Fore. Well Why, if I was bom to be a cuckold, 
 
 there is no more to be laid. He is here already. 
 Enter Sir Sampfon Legend with a paper. 
 
 Sir Samp. Nor no more to be done, old boy ; that's 
 
 plain. Here it is ; I have it in my hand, old Ptolomy ; 
 
 I'll make the ungracious prodigal know who begat him ; I 
 
 will, old Noflrodamus. What, I warrant my fon thought 
 
 C 2 nothing
 
 28 LOVE FOR L O V E. 
 
 nothing belonged to a father, but forgivenefs and affec- 
 tion : rfo authority, no correction, no arbitrary power; 
 nothing to be done, but for him to offend, and me to par- 
 don. I warrant you, if he danced till doomfday, he 
 thought I was to pay the piper. Well, but here it is, 
 under black and white, Jtgnatum^Jigillatum^ and ddibcra- 
 tnm, that as foon as rhy fon Benjamin is arrived, he is to 
 makeover to him his right of inheritance. Where is my 
 
 daughter that is to be ? Ha, old Merlin ! Body o'me, 
 
 I'm ib glad I'm revenged on this undutiful rogue 
 
 Fore. Odio, let me fee ; let me fee the paper. Ay, 
 faith and troth, here it is, if it will bin hold. I wilh, 
 things were done, and the conveyance made. When 
 was this figned ; what hour ? Odfo, you fliould have 
 confulted me for the time. Well, but we'll make 
 
 Sir Samp, Hafte ! ay, ay, hafte enough ; my fon Ben 
 will be in town to-night , I have ordered my lawyer to 
 draw up writings of fettlement and jointure : all fliall be 
 done to-night : no matter for the time ; pr'ythee, brother 
 Forefight, leave fuperftition. 'Pox o'the time!' there 
 is no time but the time prefent ; there is no more to be 
 fiiid of what is pad ; and all that is to come will happen. 
 If the fun fhine by day, and the liars by night, why, we 
 fliall know one another's faces without the help of a can- 
 dle ; and that's all the flars are good for. 
 
 Fere. How, how, Sir Sampfon, that all ? Give me leave 
 to contradict you, and tell you, you are ignorant. 
 
 Sir Samp. I tell you I am wife : andjafiens domitiabitur 
 cjtris, there's latin for you to prove it, and an argument 
 to confound your Ephemeris. Ignorant ? I tell you I 
 have travelled, old Fircu, and know the globe. I have 
 feen the Antipodes, where the fun rifes at midnight, and 
 fets at noon-day. 
 
 Fore. But I tell you I have travelled and travelled in 
 the celeftial fpheres ; know thefigns and the planets, and 
 their houjes ; can judge of motions direcl and retrograde, 
 of fextiles, quadrates, trines and oppositions, fiery tri- 
 gons,, and aquatical trigons ; know whether life fliall be 
 long or friort, happy or unhappy, whether difeafes are 
 curable or ir.cur.ible ; if journeys fliall be profperous, 
 
 undertakings
 
 L O V E f FOR LOVE. 29 
 
 undertakings fuccefsful, or goods ftolen recovered ; I 
 
 Sir Samp. I know the length of the emperor of China's 
 foot ; have kifled the Great Mogul's flipper, and rid a 
 hunting upon an elephant with the chain of Tartary 
 Body o'me ! I have made a cuckold of a king, and the pre- 
 fent majefty of Bantam' is the iffue of thele loins. 
 
 Fore. I know when travellers lie or fpeak truth, when- 
 they don't know themfelves. 
 
 Sir Samp. I have known an aftrologer made a cuckold 
 in the twinkling of a ftar; ' and feen a conjurer, that 
 ' could not keep the devil out of his wife's circle.' 
 
 Fore. What, does he twit me with my wife too ? L 
 muft be better informed of this [^-4/if/e.] Do you mean 
 my wife, Sir Sampfon ? Tho' you made a cuckold of the- 
 king of Bantum, yet by the body of the fun 
 
 Sir Samp. By the horns of the moon, you would fay,, 
 brother Capricorn. 
 
 Fore. Capricorn in your teeth, thou modern Mande~ 
 vil ; * Ferdinand Mondez Pinto was but a type of thee^ 
 * thou liar of the firft magnitude.' Take back your pa- 
 per of inheritance ; fend your fon to fea again. I'll wed 
 my daughter to an Egyptian mummy, ere fhe fhall in- 
 corporate with a contemner of fciences, and a defamef 
 pf virtue. 
 
 Sir Samp. Body o'me, I have gone too far; I muft notr 
 provoke honeft Albumazar. \^Afide.'} An Egyptian mum- 
 my is an illuihious creature, my trufty hieroglyphic, 
 and may have fignifications of futurity about him -> 
 odfbud, I would my Ion were an Egyptian mummy for 
 thy fake. What, thou art not angry for a jeft, my good 
 
 Haly 1 reverence the fun, moon, and liars with all 
 
 my heart. What, I'll make thee a prefent of a. mummy :: 
 now I think on't, body o'me, I have a fiioulder of an. 
 Egyptian king, that I purloined from one of the pyra- 
 mids, powdered- with hieroglyphics ; thou (halt have it 
 brought home to thy houfe, and make an entertainment 
 for all the philomaths and ftudents in phyfic and ail'rolo- 
 gy in and about London. 
 
 Fare. But what do you know of my wife, Sir Sampfon ? 
 
 Sir. Samp. Thy wife is a conlrellation of virtues ; fhc- 
 
 isthe moon, and thou art the man in the moon:, nay, 
 
 C 3 (he
 
 3 o LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 fhe is more illuftrious than the moon ; for fiie has her 
 chafiity without her inconftancy. 'Sbud, I was but ill 
 jeft. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 How now ? Who fent for you ? Ha ! What would you 
 have ? 
 
 fore. Nay, if you were but in jeft Who is that 
 
 fellow ? I don't like his phyfiognomy. 
 
 Sir Samp. My fon, Sir ? What fon, Sir ? My fon Ben- 
 jamin, hoh ? 
 
 Jcr. No, Sir, Mr. Valentine, my mafter ; 'tis the firft 
 time he has been abroad fince his confinement, and he 
 comes to pay his duty to you. 
 
 Sir Samp. Well, Sir. 
 
 Enter Valentine. 
 
 y<?r. He is here, Sir. 
 
 Val. Your bleffing, Sir. 
 
 Sir Samp. .You have had it already, Sir ; I think I fent 
 it you to-day, in a bill of four thouiund pound : a great 
 deal of money, brother Forelight. 
 
 fore. Ay, indeed, Sir Sampfon, a great deal of money 
 for a young man ; I wonder what he can do with it. 
 
 Sir Samp. Body o'me, fodo I Hark ye, Valen- 
 tine, if there be too much, refund the iupertiuity; dofl 
 hear, boy ? 
 
 Val. Superfluity, Sir ! it will fcarce pay my debts. I 
 hope you will have more indulgence, than to oblige me 
 to thole hard conditions, which my neceffity fignedto. 
 
 Sir Samp. Sir, how, I befeech you, what were you 
 pleafed to intimate concerning indulgence ? 
 
 Val. Why, Sir, that you would not go to the extre- 
 mity of the conditions, but releafe me, at leaft, from 
 fome part. 
 
 Sir Samp. Oh, Sir, I underftand you That's all, ha ? 
 
 Val. Yes, Sir, all that I prefume to alk : but what 
 you, out of fatherly fondneis, will be pleafed to add, 
 fhall be doubly welcome. 
 Sir ^amp* ' No doubt of it, fweet Sir ; but your filial 
 
 * piety, and my fatherly fondnefs, would fit like two tal- 
 
 * lies.' Here's a rogue, brother Forefight, makes a bar- 
 gain under hand and teal in the morning, and would be 
 
 releafed from it in the afternoon ; here's a rogue, dog ; 
 here's
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 31 
 
 here's confcience and honefty ; this is your wit, now ; 
 this is the morality of your wits. You are a wit, and 
 
 have been a beau, and may be a Why, firrah, is it 
 
 not here, under hand and feal ? Can you deny it r 
 
 y~al. Sir, I don't deny it. 
 
 &> Samp. Sirrah, you'll be hang'd ; I {hall live to fee 
 you go up Holbom-hill. Has he not a rogue's face ? 
 Speak, brother ; you underftand phyfiognomy ; a hang- 
 ing look to me of all my boys, the moil unlike me : he 
 has a damned Tyburn-face, without the benefit o'the 
 clergy. 
 
 Fore. Hum Truly, I don't care to difcourage a 
 
 young man he has a violent death in his face j but 
 
 hope no danger of hanging. 
 
 fr r al. Sir, is this ufage for your fon ? For that old wea- 
 ther-headed fool, I know how to laugh at him ; but you, 
 
 Sir Samp. You, Sir, and you, Sir Why, who are 
 
 you, Sir ? 
 
 l^aL Your fon, Sir. 
 
 - Sir Samp. That's more than I know, Sir ; and I be- 
 lieve nor. 
 
 Val. Faith, I hope not. 
 
 Sir Samp. What, would you have your mother a whore ? 
 Did you ever hear the like ? Did you ever hear the like ? 
 Body o'me-! 
 
 Vol. I would have an excufe for your barbarity and 
 unnatural ufage. 
 
 Sir Samp. Excufe! Impudence! Why, firrah, may 'nt 
 I do what I pleafe ? * Are not you my Have ? Did not I 
 ' beget you ? And might not I have chofen whether I 
 
 * vvould have begot you or no ?' Oons, who are you ? 
 Whence came you ? What brought you into the world ? 
 How came you here, Sir ; here, to Hand here, upon 
 
 -thofe two legs, and look erect with that audacious face, 
 ha t Anfvver me that. Did you come a volunteer into 
 the wurld ? Or did I, with the lawful authority of a pa- 
 rent, prefs you to the fervice ? 
 
 Val. I know no more why I came, than you do why 
 you called me. But here I am ; and if you don't mean 
 to provide for me, I deftre you would leave me as you 
 found me. 
 
 Sir
 
 3* LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Sir Samp. With all my heart : come, uncafe, flrip, and 
 go naked out of the world, as you came into it. 
 
 Vol. My cloaths are foon put off; but you muft 
 
 alfo di veil me of reafon, thought, paflions, inclinations, 
 affections, appetites, fenies, and the huge train of atten- 
 dants that you begot along with me. 
 
 Sir Samp. Body o'me, what a many-headed moniler 
 have I propagated ! 
 
 Val. I am of myfelf a plain eafy fimple creature; and 
 to be kept at fmall ex pence ; but the retinue that you, 
 gave me are craving and invincible; they are fo many 
 devils that you have raifed, and will have employment. 
 
 Sir Samp. 'Oons, what had I to do to get children, 
 can't a private man be born without all thefe followers ? 
 Why nothing under an emperor fliould be born with 
 appetites, Why, at this rare a fellow that has but a groat 
 in his pocket, may have a ftomach capable of a ten flai- 
 ling ordinary . 
 
 Jer. Nay that's as clear as the fun ; I'll make oath of 
 it before any Juitice in Middleiex. 
 
 Sir Samp. Here's a cormorant too r'S'heart this fel- 
 low was not born with you ? 1 did not beget him* 
 
 did I? 
 
 Jer. By the provifion that's made for me, you might 
 
 have begot me too : Nay, and to tell your worfhip 
 
 another truth, I believe you did, for I find I was born 
 with thofe fame whorefon appetites too, that my mailer 
 fpeaks of. 
 
 Sir Samp. Why look you there now, I'll main- 
 tain it, that by the rule of right reafon this fellow ought 
 to have been born without a palate.- S'heart, what 
 fiiould he do with a diftinguifhing tafte ? I warrant 
 you he'd rather eat a phea&nt than a piece of poor John: 
 andfmell, now, why I warrant he can fmell, and loves 
 
 perfume 1 above a ilink Why there's it ; and mu- 
 
 lick, don't you * love mufick,* fcoundrel? 
 
 Jer. Yes, I have a reafonabie good ear, fir, as to jiggs 
 and country dances ; and the like ; I don't much matter 
 vour fob's or fonato's ; they give me the fpleen. 
 
 Sir Samp. The fpleen, ha, ha, ha, a plague confound 
 
 you fob's or fonato's ? 'Oons whofe fon are you ? 
 
 * how were you engendered,' muckworm ?
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 33 
 
 Jer. I am by father thefonofa chairman : my mother 
 foldoyfters in winter, and cucumbers in fummer, and I 
 came up llairs into the world ; for I was born in a 
 a cellar. 
 
 Fore. By your looks, you fliou'd go up flairs out of the 
 world too, fuend. 
 
 Sir Samp. And if this rogue were anatomiz'd now, and 
 diflefted, he has his veflels of digestion and concoction, and 
 fo forth, large enough for the infide of a cardinal, this 
 
 fon of a cucumber Thefe things arc unaccountable and 
 
 unreafonable Body o' me, why was not I a bear ? that 
 
 my cubs might have lived upon fucking their paws ; na- 
 ture has been provident only to bears and fpiders ; the 
 one has its nutriment in his own hands ; and t'other fpins 
 his habitations out of his own entrails. 
 
 Vol. Fortune was provident enough to fupply all the 
 necellities of my nature, if I had my right of inheritance. 
 
 Sir Samp. Again ! 'Oons han't you four thoufand pound 
 if I had it again, I wou'd not give thee a groat, 
 What, would'll thou have me turn pelican, and feed thee 
 
 out of my own vitals ? 'S'heart, live by your wits, 
 
 You were always fond of the wits Now 
 
 let's fee, if you have wit enough to keep yourfelf 
 
 Your brother will be in town to-night, or to-morrow 
 morning, and then look you perform covenants, and fo 
 
 your friend and fervant Come, brother Forefight. 
 
 [Exeunt Sir Simon and Forefight. 
 
 Jer. I told you what your vilit would come to. 
 
 Pal. 'Tis as much as I expected I did not come to fee 
 him: I came to Angelica : but fince fhe was gone abroad, 
 it was ealily turned another way ; and at leait looked well 
 on my fide ; what's here ? Mrs! Forefight and Mrs. Frail, 
 
 they are earneft I'll avoid them Come this way, and 
 
 go and enquire when Angelica will return. [Exeunt, 
 
 Enter Mrs. Forefight and Mrs. Frail. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. What have you to do to watch me ? 'S'life 
 I'll do what I pleafe. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. You will ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Yes, marry will I A great piece of bufi- 
 nefs to go to Covent-Garden Square in a hackney-coach, 
 and take a turn with one's friend. 
 
 Jfr* 

 
 34 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Mrs. Fr*-e. Nay, two or three turns, I'll take tr.y 
 oath. 
 
 Mrs. I rail. Well, what if I took twenty 1 war- 
 rant if you had been there, it had been only innocent re- 
 creation, Lord, where's the comfort of this life, if we 
 can't have the happinefs of converting where we like ? 
 
 Mrs. Fore. But can't you converfe at home? 1 own 
 
 it, I think there is no happinefs like converting with" an 
 agreeable man j I don't quarrel at that, nor I don't think 
 but your converfation was very innocent ; but the place 
 is publick, and to be feen with a man in a hackney-coach 
 is fcandalous ; what if any body elfe fhould have feen 
 
 you alight, as I did ? How can any body.be happy, 
 
 while they're in perpetual fear of being feen and cen- 
 
 fured ? Betides it would not only reflect upon you, 
 
 filler, but me. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Pooh, here's a clutter Why fliou'd it 
 
 reflect upon you ? I don't doubt but you have thought 
 
 yourfelf happy in a hackney-coach before now if I 
 
 had gone to Knightlbridge, or to Chelfea, or to Spring- 
 Garden, or Barn-Elms with a man alone fomething 
 might have been faid. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Why, was I ever in any of thofe places ? 
 What do you mean, fitter ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Wab I ? What do you mean ? 
 
 Mrs. Fore. You have been at a worfe place. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. I at a worfe place, and with a man ! 
 
 Mrs. Fore. I fuppofe you wou'd not go alone to the 
 World's-End. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. The World's-End ! What ! Do you mean 
 to banter me ? 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Poor innocent ! You don't know that 
 there's a place called the World's End ! I'll fwear you 
 can keep your countenance purely, you'd make an admi- 
 rable player. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. I'll fwear you have a great deal of confi- 
 dence, and in my mind too much for the ftage. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Very well, that will appear who has mofl ? 
 You never were at the World's-End ? 
 
 Mrs. FraiL No. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. You deny it pofuively to my face. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Your face, what's your face ? 
 
 if*
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 3 
 
 Mrs. Fore. No matted for that, it's as good a face as 
 yours. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Not by a dozen years wearing. But I do 
 
 deny it pofitivety to your face then. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. I'll allow you now to find fault with my face : 
 
 for I'll fwear your impudence has put me out of 
 
 countenance : But look you here now, where did 
 
 you lofe this gold bodkin ? Oh filter, fitter ! 
 
 Mrs. Frail. My bodkin ! 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Nay, 'tis yours, look at it. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Well, if you go to that, where did you 
 
 find this bodkin? Oh, filter, lifter! fifter every 
 
 way. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. O devil on't, that I could not difcover her, 
 without betraying myfelf. [Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. 1 have heard gentlemen fay, fifter ; that 
 one fliould take great care, when one makes a thruft in 
 fencing, not to lay open one's felf. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. It's very true, fifter: well, fince all's out, 
 and as you fay, fince we are both wounded, let us do what 
 is often done in duels, take care of one another, and grow 
 better friends than before. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. With all my heart ; * our's are but flight 
 
 * flefh wounds ; and if we keep them from air, not at all 
 
 * dangerous.' Well, give me your hand in token of 
 fifterlyfecrefy and affecYion. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Here 'tis with all my heart. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Well ; ' as an earneft of friendfliip and 
 
 * confidence, I'll acquaint you with adefign that I have:' 
 to tell truth, and fpeak openly to one another : I'm 
 afraid the world have obferved us more than we have ob- 
 ferved one another. You have a rich hufband, and are 
 provided tor ; I am at a lofs, and have no great ftock either 
 of fortune or reputation, and therefore mult look fliarply 
 about me. Sir Sampfon has a foil that is expected to- 
 night, by the account I have heard of his education, can 
 be no conjurer : the eftate you know is to be made over to 
 
 him: now if I could wheedle him, finer, ha? you 
 
 underftand me ? 
 
 Mrs. Fore. I do; and will help you to the utmoft of 
 
 my power And 1 can tell you one thing that falls out 
 
 luckily enough ; my awk^rd daughter- in- law, who you 
 
 know
 
 3 6 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 know is defigned to be his wife, is grown fond of Mr. 
 Tattle; now if we can improve that, and make her have 
 an averlion for the booby, it may go a great way to- 
 wards his liking you. Here they come together ; and let 
 us contrive fome way or other to leave them together. 
 Enter Tattle ml Mifs Prue. 
 
 MifsP' Mother, mother, mother, look you here. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Fy, fy, Mils, how you bawl Befides, I 
 
 have told you, you mail not call me mother. 
 
 Mifs P. What muft I call you then, are you not my 
 father's wife? 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Madam ; you muft fiiy Madam By 
 
 my foul, I (hall fancy myfelf ok! indeed, to have this 
 
 great girl call me mother Well, but Mifs, what are 
 
 you fo overjoyed at ? 
 
 Mifs P. Look you here, Madam then what Mr. Tattle 
 has given me Look you here, coufin, here's a fnuff-box ; 
 
 nay, there's fnuffin't ; here, will you have any ? 
 
 Oh, good ! how fweet it is Mr. Tattle is allover fweet, 
 
 his peruke is fweet, and his gloves are fweet, and his 
 handkerchief is fweet, pure fweet, fweeter than rofes 
 
 Smell him mother, Madam, I mean He gave me 
 
 this ring for a kifs. 
 
 Tat. O fy, Mifs; you muft not kifs and tell. 
 
 Mifs P. Yes ; I may tell my mother And he fays 
 he'll give me fomething to make me fmell fo -Oh, pray 
 lend me your handkerchief Smell, coulin ; ' he fays, 
 ' he'll give me fomething that will make my fmock fine 11 
 * this way' Is not it pure ? It's better than lavender, 
 num I'm refolved I won't let nurfe put any more la- 
 vender among my fmocks ha, coufin ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Fy, Mifs ; amongft your linen you muft 
 fay you muft never fay fmock. 
 
 Mife P. Why, it is not bawdy, is it coufin ? 
 
 Tat. Oh, Madam ; you are too fevere upon Mifs ; you 
 muft not find fault with her pretty fimplicity ; it becomes 
 her ftrangely pretty Mifs, don't let them perfuade you 
 out of your innocency. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. * Oh, demm you, toad' I wifh you don't 
 perfuade her out of her innocency. 
 
 7at. Who I, Madam ? Oh lord, "how can your 
 
 Ladyfliip
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE 37 
 
 Ladyfhip have fuch a thought- fare you dont' know 
 
 me ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Ah, devil, fly devil He's as clofe, 
 
 fifter, as aconfeflbr He thinks we don't obierve 
 
 him. 
 
 ' M>$. Fare. A cunning cur; how foon he cou'd find 
 4 out a frefh harmlefs creature ; and left us, filler, pre- 
 
 * fently.' 
 
 Tat. Upon reputation- 
 
 Mrs. Fore. They're all fo, fitter, I warrant i*" 
 
 would break Mr. Tattle's heart, to think that any body 
 elfefllould be beforehand with him. 
 
 Tat. Oh, lord, I fwear I would not for the world 
 
 Mrs. Frail. O hang you ; who'll believe you ? You'd 
 be hang'd before you'd confefs we know you She's 
 very pretty ! ' Lord, what pure red and white ! fho' 
 
 ' looks fo whole fome 1 ne'er ftir, I don't know, but 
 
 I fancy, if I were a man 
 
 Miff P. How you love to jeer one, coufin. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Hark'ee, filler, By my foul the girl is 
 fpoiled already d'ye think fhe'll ever endure a great lub- 
 berly tarpawlm Gad I warrant you, flie won't let him 
 come near her, after Mr. Tatiie. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. O' my foul, I'm afraid not eh ! filthy 
 
 cre.mire, that fmells all ot pitch and tar devil take 
 
 you, you confounded toad ' why did you fee her^ 
 
 4 before (he was married ? You will fupplant the failor.' 
 
 Mrs. Fore, ' Nay, why did we let him' Well, per- 
 haps the match may be better ; but my hufbnnd will 
 hang us He'll think we brought theui acquainted. 
 
 Mrs* Frail. Come, faith, let us be gone if my brother 
 
 Forelight fhou'd lind us with them ; he'd think fo, 
 
 fure enough. 
 
 Mrs. Fare. So he wou'd but then leaving them toge- 
 ther is as bad And he's fuch a fly devil, he'll never mils 
 an opportunity. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. I don't care ; I won't be feen in't. [Exit. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Well, * if you lliould,' Mr. Tattle, 'yov/Il 
 
 * hive a world to an fwer for, remember I ivafti my hruulj 
 ' of it, I'm thoroughly innocent ;' we tm.t to your dir. 
 ere t ion. [Exit. 
 
 D Mifi
 
 3 S LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Mi/s P. What makes diem go a'.v;iy, Mr. Tattle 
 What do they mean, do yoil kuow ? 
 
 Tat. Yes, my dear 1 think I can guefs But 
 
 hang me if I know the reafon of it. 
 
 Mifs P. Come, in uft not we go too ? 
 
 lot. No, no, they don't mean that. 
 
 Mi/s P. No! what then? what ihall you and I do to- 
 gether. 
 
 X^r/. I mu ft make love to you, pretty Mifs ; will you 
 let me make love to you ? 
 
 M : feP. Yes, if you pleafe. 
 
 Tat. Frank, I gad, at leaft. What a plague does Mrs. 
 Forelight mean by this civility ? Is it to make a fool of me ? 
 or does fhe leave us together out of good morality, and 
 do as (he wou'd be done by? Gad I'll underftand it 
 
 Mifs P. Well ; and how will you make love to me 
 
 Come, I long to have you begin muft I make love 
 
 too ? You mud tell me how. 
 
 Tat. You mull let me fpeak, Mifs, you muft not fpeak 
 firft ; I muft alk you queftions, and you muft anfwer. 
 
 Mifs P. ' What, is it like the catechifin?' Come 
 
 then, aft: me. 
 
 Tat. D'ye think you can love me ? 
 
 M!f>P. Yes. 
 
 Tat. Pooh, plague, you muft not fay yes already ; I 
 {han't care a farthing for you then in a twinkling. 
 
 Mifs P. What muft I lay then ? 
 
 Tat. Why you muft fay no, or you believe not, or 
 vou can't tell 
 
 Mifs P. \Yhymuft I tell a lie tfcen? 
 
 Tat. Yes, if you'll be well-bred. All well-bred per- 
 
 fons lie Belldes, you are a woman, you muft never 
 
 fpeak what you think: your words mutt contradict your 
 thoughts ; but your actions may contradict your words. 
 So, when I afk you, if you can love me, you muft fay no, 
 
 but you muft love me too If I tell you you are hand- 
 
 lome, you muft deny it, and fay I flatter you But you 
 
 muft think yourfelf more charming than I fpeak you : 
 and like me for the beauty which I fay you have, as 
 
 much as if I had it myfelf If I alk you to kifs me, vou 
 
 muft be angry, but you muft not refufe me. If I afk yen 
 
 "for
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. ?9 
 
 for more, you mini be more angry, but more comply^ 
 
 ing ; and as foon as ever I make you fay you'll cry out\ 
 }ou iniitr be fure to hold your tongue. . \ 
 
 Mifj P. O lord, I fwear this is pure, 1 like it better\ 
 
 than ourold fafhlbn'd country way of fpeaking one's mind; 
 and muft not you lie too ? 
 
 Tat. Jlum Yes But you muft believe I fpeak 
 
 truth. 
 
 M : /s P. O Gemini ! Well, I always had a great mind 
 
 to tell lits but they frighted me, and fuid it was a 
 
 fin. 
 
 "Fat. Well, my pretty creature ; will you make me 
 happy by giving me a kits ? 
 
 M'-fs P . No, indeed; I'm angry at you. 
 
 [/vj and ki/Jl's him, " 
 
 Tat. Hold, hold, that's pretty well but you fliou-ld 
 
 not have given it me, but have fuffered me to have taken 
 
 ' Mifs P. Well, we'll do't again. 
 
 Tat. With all my heart Now then my little 
 
 angel. [KiJJcsber. 
 
 Mifs P. Plfh. 
 
 Tat. That's right, Again my charmer. \KlJjes again. 
 
 Mifs P. O fy, nay, now I can't abide you. 
 
 Tat. Admirable ! that was as well as if you had been 
 bora and bred in St. James's And won't you fhe\y 
 
 me, prerty Mifs, where your dreffing-room is. 
 
 Mifs P. No, indeed won't I ; but 111 run there, and 
 hide myfelf from you behind the curtain*, 
 
 Tat'. I'll follow you. 
 
 Mifs P. Ah, but I'll hold the door with both hands, 
 
 and be angry ; and you fhall pufli me down before you 
 
 come in. 
 
 Tat. No, I'll come in firft, * andpufli you down after- 
 1 wards.' 
 
 Mifs P. Will you ? then I'll be more angry, and more 
 complying. 
 
 Tat. Then 111 make you cry out. 
 
 Mifs P. Obut you (han't, for I'll hold my tongue. 
 
 Tat. Oh, my dear apt fcholar. 
 
 Mifs P. Well, now I'll run and make more hafle than 
 you. 
 
 D a r,
 
 t 
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Tat. You fhall not fly fo fait, as I'll purfue. 
 Enter Xurfe. 
 
 Nier/f. Mifs, Mifs, MifsPrue Mercy on me, marry 
 
 and amen. Why, what's become of the child r Why 
 Mifs, Mifs Forcfight Sure fhe has locked herfelf up in 
 her chamber, and gone to deep, or to prayers : Mifs, Mils, 
 I hear her Come to your father, child : open the door 
 
 Open the door, M:f. 1 hear you cry hufht 
 
 O lord, who's there ? [Pffps."] What's here to do ? O 
 
 the fafher ! a man with her! Why, Mils, I fay ; 
 
 God's my life, here's fine doing towards O lord, 
 
 we're all undone O you young harlotry. [Knocks] 
 
 Od's my life, won't you open the door? I'll come in the 
 
 back way. [Exit N urfe. 
 
 Enter Tattle WMifs Prue. 
 
 M:fs P. O lord, (lie's coming and fhe'll tell my fa- 
 ther ; what fliall I do now ? 
 
 Tat. Plague take her ; if fhe had (laid two minutes 
 longer, I mould have wifhed for her coming. 
 
 Mifs P. O dear, what (hall I fay ? tell me, Mr. Tattle, 
 tell me a lie. 
 
 Tat. There's no occafion for a lie ; I could never tell 
 
 a lie to nopurpofe But fince we have done nothing, 
 
 wemuft fay nothing. * I think, I hear her.' I'll leave 
 you together, and come off as you can. 
 
 [ Tfjrujls her in t andjhuts the door* 
 
 END of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT III. 
 Enter Valentine, Scandal, and Angelica. 
 
 ANGELICA. 
 
 YO U can't accufe me of inconftancy ; I never told 
 you that I loved you. 
 
 Vol. But I can accufe you of uncertainty, for not telling 
 me whether you did or not. 
 
 - Aug. You miilake indifference for uncertainty ! I ne- 
 ver had concern enough to alk myfelf the queftioru 
 
 Scan.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 41 
 
 Scan. Nor good-nature enough to anfwer him that did 
 slk you : I'll lay that for you, Madam. 
 
 Ang. What are you fetting up for good-nature ? 
 
 Scan. Only for ihe affectation of it, us the women do 
 for ill-nature. 
 
 Ang. Perfuade your friend, that it is all affectation. 
 
 Scan. I (hall receive no benefit from the opinion : for I 
 know no effectual difference between continued affectation 
 and reality. 
 
 Enter Tattle. 
 
 Tat. * Scandal, are you in private difcourfe? any thing 
 
 * offecrefy? [jQlJtteScaB&A* 
 4 Scan. Yes, but I dare truft you. \\'e were talking 
 
 * cr Angelica's love to Valentine ; you won't i'peak of it, 
 
 Tat. No, no, not a fyllable 1 knuw that's a 
 
 * for it is whifpered every where. 
 
 4 Sew. Ha, ha, .ha! 
 
 4 Aug. What i?, Mr. Tattle ? I heard you fay fomething 
 
 * was whifpered every where. 
 
 4 Scan. Your love of Valentine. 
 Ang. How ! . 
 
 Tat. No, Madam ; his love for your Ladylhip 
 4 Gad teke me, I beg your pardon for I never heard a. 
 
 * word of your Ladylliip's pafiion till this inflanr. 
 
 ' Ang. My paflion ! And who told you of my pallion, 
 4 pray^Sir.* 
 
 4 Scan. Why, is the devil in you ? Did not I teli it you 
 
 * for a fecret ? 
 
 * Tat. Gadfo ; but I thought (he might have been 
 
 * trufled with her own affairs. 
 
 4 Scan. Is that your difcretion ? truft a woman wirh. 
 herfelf ? 
 
 * Tat. You fay true ; I beg youv pardon I'll bring 
 
 ' all off. It was impomble, Madam, for me to imagine, 
 4 that a pcrfonofyour Ladyfliip's wit and gallantry could 
 4 have io long received the paffionate addrefles of ihe r,r 
 complifiied Valentine, and yet remain infenfible : 
 4 therefore you will pardon me, if, from a juit weight of 
 4 his merit, with your Lady (hip's good judgment, 1 fop 
 4 med the balance ot a reciprocal affection. 
 
 4 fal. O the devil !. what.damned.collivepx)ct has given 
 thee this leffon oi fuiii;.n to get by rote ? 
 
 D 3 Axf.
 
 4 a .LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 * Aug. I dare fwear, you wrong him ; it is his own <- 
 
 * and Mr. Tattle only judges of the fuccefs of others, from 
 
 * the effects of his own merit ; for, certainly, Mr. Tattle 
 
 * was never denied any thing in his life. 
 
 * Tat. O lord ! yes indeed, Madam, feveral times. 
 
 * Ang. I fwear, I don't think it is poffible. 
 
 * Tat. Yes, I vow and fwear, I have. Lord, Madam 
 
 * I'm the moil unfortunate man in the world, and the 
 mod cruelly ufed by the ladies. 
 
 4 Ang* Nay, now you're ungrateful. 
 
 * Tat. No, I hope not. It is as much ingratitude to 
 
 * own fome favours, as to conceal others. 
 
 4 fal. There, now it is out. 
 
 4 Aug. I don't underftacd you now. I thought you 
 ' had never afked any thing, but what a Lady might nio- 
 
 * deftly grant, and you confefs. 
 
 4 Scan. So, faith, yourbufinefs is done herej now you 
 
 * may go brag fomewhere elfe. 
 
 v 4 Tat. Brag ! O Heavens ! Why, did I name any- 
 4 body? 
 
 4 Ang. No ; I fuppofe that is not in your power ; but 
 
 * you would if you could, no doubt on't. 
 
 " 4 *sfat. Not in my power, Madam i What ! does your 
 4 Lsdyfhip mean, that I have no woman's reputation in 
 
 * my power ? 
 
 4 Scan. Oons, why you won't own it, will you ? 
 
 \AJlth. 
 
 * Tat. Faith, Madam, you are in the right ; no more 
 I have, as I hope to be laved ; I never had it in my 
 power to fay any thing to a Lady's prejudice in my 
 
 life. 5 For, as I was telling yu, Madam, I have been 
 
 the moft unfuccefsful creature living in things of that 
 nature; and never had the good fortune to be truiled 
 once with a Lady's fecret ; not once. 
 
 ' Aug. No! 
 
 4 Fal. Not once, I dare anfwer for him. 
 4 Scan. And I'll anfwer for him ; for, I'm fure if he 
 had, he would have told me. Ifind, Madam, you don't 
 know Mr. Tattle. 
 
 4 Tat. No indeed, Madam, you don't know me at all, 
 I find ; tor fure, my intimate friends would have 
 known
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 43 
 
 * Ang. Then it feems you would have told, if you had 
 e been trufted. 
 
 ' Tat. O pox, Scandal, that was too farput ! Never 
 
 * have told particulars, Madam. Perhaps I might have 
 
 * talked as or a third perfon or have introduced an amour 
 
 * of my own, in converfation, by way of novel ; but ne- 
 
 * ver have explained particulars. 
 
 * Ang. But whence comes the reputation of Mr. Tat- 
 
 * tie's fecrefy, if he was never trufted ? 
 
 * Scan. Why thence it arifes. The thing is prover- 
 
 ' bially fpoken; but may be applied to him. As if 
 
 ' we fhould lay in general terms, He only is fecret, who 
 4 never was trufted ; a fatirical proverb upon our fex. 
 ' There is another upon yours as, She ischafte, who was. 
 6 never aflted the queftion. That's all. 
 
 * F~al. A couple of very civil proverbs, truly. It is 
 6 hard to tell whether the Lady or Mr. Tattle be the more 
 ' obliged to you. For you found her virtue upon the 
 ' backwardnefs of the men ; and his fecrecy upon the 
 
 * millruft of the women. 
 
 4 Tat. Gad, 'tis very true, Madam ; I think we are 
 ' obliged to acquit ourfelves. And for my part but 
 
 * your Ladyfhip is to fpeak firft. 
 
 4 Ang. Am I ? Well, I freely confefs, I have refilled a 
 4 great deal of temptation. 
 
 * Tat. And, egad, I have given fome temptation that 
 ' has not been refitted. 
 
 * fal. Good. 
 
 4 Ang. I cite Valentine here, to declare to the court, 
 4 how fruitlefs he has found his endeavours, and to con- 
 4 fefs all his felicitations and my denials. 
 
 4 fal. I am ready to plead, not guilty, for you j and 
 ' guilty, for my (elf. 
 
 4 Scan. So, why this is -fair ! here's demonu 1 ration, with 
 ' a witnefs. 
 
 4 Tat, Well, my witnefles are not prefent. Yet, I 
 ' confefs, I have had favours from .perlbns; but, as the 
 
 * favours are numberlefs, fo the perfons arenamelefs. 
 
 4 Scan. Pooh, this proves nothing. 
 
 4 Tat. No ? I can fhew letters, lockets, pictures, and 
 
 * rings ; and if there beoccalion for witnefles, I can fum- 
 
 * mon the maids at the chocolate-houfes, all the porters 'at 
 
 < Pall-
 
 44 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Pall-Mall and Covent-Garcen, the door-keepers af the 
 
 * play-houfc, the drawers at Locket's, Pontack, the Rum- 
 
 * mer, Spring- garden, my own landlady and valet de 
 ' chambrej all who (ball make oath, that I receive more 
 4 letters than the fecretary's office ; and that I have more 
 
 * vizor-mafks to enquire tor me, than ever went to fee the 
 
 * hermaphrodite, or the naked prince. And it is notori- 
 4 ous, that, in a country-church, once, an inquiry being 
 
 * made who I was, it was anfwered, " I was the famocis 
 
 * Tattle, who had ruined fo many women.'* 
 
 Vol. * It was there, I fuppofe-, you got the nickname 
 
 * or the Great Turk. 
 
 ' Tat. True; I was called Turk Tattle all over .the 
 parifh. The next Sunday, all the old women kept 
 
 * their daughters at home, and the parfon had not ru-tfr 
 
 * his congregation. He would have brought me into the 
 4 fpirittial court : but I was revenged upon him, for r.e 
 4 had a handfome daughter whom I initiated into the 
 4 fcience. But I repented it afterwards ; tor it was taik- 
 
 * ed of in town. And a lady of quality, th,it (Ira. i be 
 
 * namelefs, in a raging fit ef jealouiy, came down in her 
 4 coach and fix horfe&, and expofed herfelf upon my ac- 
 
 4 count ; 'gad, I was forry for it with all my heart. 
 
 4 You know whom I mean You know where we 
 
 * raffled 
 
 * Scan. Mum, Tattle ! 
 
 * Veil. 'Sdeath, are not you afliamed ? 
 
 * Ang. O barbarous ! I never heard fo infolent apiece 
 
 * of vanity ! Fie, Mr. Tattle ! I'll fwear I could not 
 4 have believed it. Is this your fecrecy ! 
 
 * Tat. Gadfo, the heat 'of my ilory carried me be- 
 
 * yond my difcretion, as the heat of the Lady's paffion 
 
 * hurried her beyond her reputation. But I hope 
 
 * you don't know whom I mean ; for there were a great 
 4 many Ladies raffled. Pox on't, now could I bite off 
 
 * my tongue. 
 
 4 Scan. No, don't ; for then you'll tell us no more. 
 ' Come, I'll recommend a fong. to you, upon the hint of 
 ' my two proverbs ; and I fee one in the next room that 
 1 will fing it. [Goes to the door. 
 
 Tat.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 4$ 
 
 * Tat. For Heaven's fake, if you do guefs, fay nothing. 
 Gad, I'm very unfortunate ! 
 
 * Scan. Pray fing the firft fong in the laft new play. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 A nymph and a f\vain to Apollo once pray 'd, 
 The fwain had been jilted, the nymph been betray'd : 
 Their intent was, to try if his oracle knew 
 *E'er a nymph that was chafte, or a fwainthat was true. 
 
 Apollo was mute, and had like t'have been pos'd, 
 But fagely at length he this fecret difclos'd : 
 He alone won't betray, in whom none will confide : 
 And the nymph may be chafte, that has never been 
 * try'd. 
 
 ,/&> Sampfon, Mrs. Frail, Mfi Prue, and Servant. 
 
 Sir Samp. Is Ben come? Odfo, my fon Ben come? 
 odd, I'm glad on't : Where is he ? I long to fee him. 
 Now, Mrs. Fn.il, you fhall fee nw fon Ben Body o'me, 
 he's the hopes of my family I han't feen him thefe three 
 
 years I warrant he's grown Call him in ; bid him 
 
 make hafte I'm ready to Cry for joy. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Now, Mifs, you fliall fee your hufband. 
 
 Mifs P. Pilh, hefhall be none of my hufband. 
 
 [Afuk to Frail. 
 
 Mrs. frail. Hufh : well he fhan't ; leave that to me 
 I'll beckon Mr. Tattle to us. 
 
 Ang. Won't you flay and fee your brother ? 
 
 Val. We are the twin-ftars, and cannot fhine in one 
 fphere; when he rifes, I muft fet Befides, if I fhould 
 flay, I don't know but my father in good nature may prefs 
 me to the immediate figning the deed of conveyance of my 
 eftate ; and I'll defer it as long as I can Well, you'll 
 come to a refolution. 
 
 Ang. I can't. Refolution muft come to me, or I fl^ll 
 never have one. 
 
 Scan. Come, Valentine, I'll go with you ; I've fome- 
 thing in my head to communicate to you. 
 
 [Exeunt Val. and Scau. 
 
 Sir Samp. What ! Is my fon Valentine gone ? What ! 
 Is he (beaked off, and would not fee his brother ? There's
 
 46 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 an unnatural whelp ! there's an ill-natur'd dog ? What 
 Were you here too, Madam, and could not keep him ! 
 Cou r d neither love, nor duty, nor natural affection oblige 
 him. Odfbud, Madam, have no more to fay to him : he 
 is not worth your confederation. The rogue has not a 
 drachm of generous love about him ; all intereft, all iiite- 
 reft ; he's an undone fcoundrel, and courts your eflate ; 
 body o'me, he does not care a doit for your perfon. 
 
 Aug. I'm pretty even with him, Sir Sampfon ; for if 
 ever I cou'd have liked any thing in him, it fhould have 
 been his eftate too : ' but fince that's gone, the bait's oft", 
 4 and the naked hook appears.' 
 
 Sir Sam. Odfbud, wellfpoken ; and you are a wifer wo- 
 man than I thought you were : * for moft young women 
 * now-a-days are to be tempted with a naked hook.' 
 
 j4ng. Ifl marry, Sir Sampfon, I'm for a good eftate 
 with any man, and for any man with a good eftate : there- 
 fore if I were obliged to make a choice, I declare I'd ra- 
 ther haveyou than your fon. 
 
 Sir Samp. Faith and troth, you're a wile woman, and 
 I'm glad to hear you fay fo ; I was afraid you were in love 
 with the reprobate ; odd, I was forry for you with all my 
 heart: hang him, mungrel ,- caft him off; you fhall fee 
 the rogue fhew himfelf, and make love to foine defponding 
 Caduaof fourfcore for fuflenance. Odd, I love to fee a 
 young fpendthrift forced to cling to an old woman for fup- 
 port, like ivy round a dead oak ; faith I do ; I love to fee 
 them hug and cotton together, like down upon a thiftle. 
 Enter Ben, Legend, and Servant. 
 
 Sen. Where's father ? 
 
 Ser*v. There, Sir, his back's toward you. 
 
 Sir Samp. My fon Ben ! blefs thee my dear boy ; body- 
 o'me, thou are heartily welcome. 
 
 Ren. Thank you, father, and I'm glad tofee.you. 
 
 Sir Samp. Odfbud, and I'm glad to fee thee ; kils me, 
 boy ; kifs me again and again, dear Ben. [Kijfis bin. 
 
 Ben. So, fo, enough father Mefs, I'd rather kns thefe 
 gentlewomen, 
 
 Sir Samp. And fo thou flialt Mts. Angelica, 
 
 my fon Ben. 
 
 Ben. Forfooth if youpleafe [Salutes her\ Nay miftrefs, 
 I'm act for dropping anchor here ; about lUip i'fa'uh
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 47 
 
 \KiJJes Frail.] Nay, and you too, my little cock- 
 buat fo [KiJJcsMifs. 
 
 fat. Sir, you're welcome a-fhore. 
 
 Km. Thank you, thank you, friend. 
 
 Sir Famp. Thou bait been many a weary league, Ben, 
 fince I faw thee. 
 
 Ben. Ey, ey, been ! been far enough, an that be all 
 Well, father, and how do all at home ? how does 
 brother Dick and brother Val ? 
 
 Sir Samp. Dick, body o'me, Dick has been dead thefe 
 two years ; I writ you word, when you were at Leghorn. 
 
 Ben. Mtfs, that's true : marry I had forgot. Dick's 
 
 dead as you fey Well, and how r I have many quef- 
 
 tions to afk you ; well, you ben't married again, father, 
 be you ? 
 
 Sir Samp. No, I intend you fliall marry, Ben ; I 
 would not marry for thy lake. 
 
 Ben. Nay, what does that fignify ? an you marry 
 
 again why then, I'll go to lea again, fo there's 
 
 one for t'other, an that be all Pray don't let me be 
 
 your hindrance ; e'en marry, a god's name, an the wind fit 
 that way. As for my part, may-hap I have no mind to 
 marry. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. That would be pity, fuch a handfome 
 young gentleman. 
 
 Ben. Handfome ! he, he, he, nay forfooth, an you 
 be for joking, I'll joke with you, for I love my jeft, an 
 the fliip were finking, as we fay at fea. But I'll tell 
 you why I don't much iland towards matrimony. I love 
 to roam about fiom port to port, and from land to land : 
 I could never abide ro be port-bound, as we call it : now 
 a man that is married, has as it were, d'ye fee, his feet 
 in the bilboes, and may-hap nuyn't gee 'em out again 
 when he would. 
 
 Sir Samp. Ben's a wag. 
 
 Ben. A man that is married, d'ye fee, is no more ITFef 
 another man, than a galley-Have is like one of us free 
 failors, he is chained to an oar all his lite ; and may-h.ip 
 forced to tug a leaky veflel into the bargain. 
 
 Sir Samp. A very wag, BenV a very wag ; on 1 }* a lit- 
 tle rough, he want's a little policing. 
 
 Mr*. Frail. Not at all j I like his humour mightily,
 
 48 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 it's plain and honeft, I fhould like fuch a humour in a 
 hufband extremely. 
 
 Ben. Say'n you fo forfooth ? marry, and I (houldlike 
 fuch a handfome gentlewoman for a crib-mate hugely ; 
 how fay you, miitrefs, would you like going to fea ? 
 Mefs, you're a tight veffel, and well rigged, and you 
 were but as well manned. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. I fliould not doubt that, if you were maf- 
 ter of me. 
 
 Ben. But I'll tell you one thing, an you come to fea 
 
 in a high wind, or that lady You mayn't carry fo 
 
 much fail o'your head Top and top gallant, by the 
 mefs. 
 
 Mrs. Ft- all. No, why fo ? 
 
 Ben. Why an you do, you may run the rilk to be 
 overfet, and then you'll carry your keels above water, 
 he, he, he. 
 
 Ang. I fwea'r Mr. Benjamin is the verieft wag in na- 
 ture ; anabfolute fea-wit. 
 
 Sir Samp. Nay, Ben has parts, but as I told you be- 
 fore they want a little polilhing : you mull not take any 
 thing ill, Madam. 
 
 Ben. No, I hope the gentlewoman is not angry; I 
 mean all in good part ; for if I give a jell, I'll take a 
 jeft : andfo, forfooth, you may be as free with me. 
 
 Ang. I thank you, Sir, I am not at all offended ; but, 
 methinks, Sir Sampfon, you fliould leave him alone with 
 his miftrefs. Mr. Tattle, we muft not hinder lovers. 
 
 Tat. Well, Mi's, I have your promife. 
 
 ^AJlJc to Mljs. Exeunt Tattle and Angelica. 
 
 Sir Samp. Body o'me, Madam, you fay true : Look 
 
 you, Ben, this is your miftrefs Come, Mils, you 
 
 mull not be fhame raced, we'll leave you together. 
 
 Mifs. I can't abide to be left alone, mayn't my coufm 
 flay with me ? 
 
 Sir Samp. No, no. Come, let's away. 
 
 Ben. Look you, father, mayhap the young woman 
 mayn't take a liking to me. 
 
 Sir Samp. I warrant thee, boy ! Come, come, we'll 
 begone ; I'll venture that. [Exit Sir Samp. 
 
 Ben. Corre, miftrefs, will you pleafe to {it down ? 
 for an you fhnd a ilern a that'n, we lhall never grapple 
 
 ' together.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. t& 
 
 together. Come, I'll haul a chair ; there, an you 
 pleafe to fir, I'll fit by you. 
 
 Mtfs. You need not lit fo near one, if you have any 
 thing to f;iy, I can hear you farther cff, I an't deaf. 
 
 Pen. Why that's true, as you fay, nor I an't dumb, 
 I can be heard as far as another I'll heave off to pleafe 
 you. \_tiis farther rff.} An we were a league afunder, I'd 
 undertake to hold difcourie with you, an 'twere not a 
 main high wind indeed, and full in 'my teeth. Look you 
 forfooth, I am as it were, bound for the land of matri- 
 mony ; 'tis a voyage, d'ye fee, that was none of my 
 feeking, I was commanded by fat! er, * and if you like 
 * of it, mayhap I may Acer into your harbour.' How 
 fay you, niftiefs? the fnorr of the' thing is, that if you 
 line me. and I like you, we may chance to fwing in a 
 hammock together. 
 
 Mlfs. I don't know what to fay to yen, nor I don't care 
 to fpeak with you at all. 
 
 fien. No, I'm ibrry for that. - But pray, why 
 are you fo fcornful. 
 
 Mifs. As long as one mull not fpeak one's mind, one 
 had better not fpeak at all, I think, and truly I won't 
 tell a lie for the matter ? 
 
 Ren, Nay, you fay true in that, it's but folly to lie : 
 for to fpeak one thing, and to think juit the contrary 
 way, is as it were, to look one v/ay, and to rc'.v another. 
 Now, for my parr, d'ye fee, I'm for carrying 
 above board, I'm nat for keepingany thing under hatche.-, 
 
 ingany thin 
 
 fo that if vou ben't as willing ;is I, fay fo a god's narne 
 there's no harm done ; may-hap you may be {name-faced, 
 fome maidens thof ' they love a man well enough, yet 
 they don't care to tell'n fo to's face : if that's the ca!e, 
 why lilence gives c jnfent. 
 
 'M-fi. But 
 than you lhall 
 one fliould always tell 
 
 let my father do what he will ; I'm too big to be whipt, 
 to I'll tell you plainly, I don't like you, nor love you .it 
 all, nor never will, that's more : fo, there's your anfwer 
 for you ; and don't trouble me no more, you ugly thing. 
 
 Ben. Look yvu, young woman, you wnv learn to give 
 
 good word* however. 1 fpoke you fair, d'ye fee, ;>nl 
 
 E civil. 
 
 MVCS content. 
 
 I'm fare it is net fo, for I'll fpeak fooner 
 11 believe that ; and I'll fpeak truth, though 
 Iwsys tell a lie to a man ; and I don't care,
 
 5 * LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 civil. As for your love or your liking, I don't value i 
 of a rope's end ; and mayhap I like you as little as you 
 <lo me : What I faid was in obedience to father ; 'gad, I 
 fear a whipping no more than you do. Bat I tell you 
 one thing, if you Ihould give fuch language at fea, 
 you'd have a cat o'nine-tails laid crofs your fhoulders. 
 Flefh ! who are you ? you heard t'other handibine young 
 woman fpeak civilly to me, of her own accord : what- 
 ever you think of yourfelf, 'gad I don't think you are 
 any more to compare to her, than a kan or fmall-beer to 
 a bowl of bunch. 
 
 Mifs. Well, and there's a handfome gentleman, and a 
 fine gentleman, and a fweet gentleman, that was here 
 that loves me, and I love him ; and if he fees you fpeak 
 to me any more, he'll thraili your jacket for you, he 
 will, you great fea-calf. 
 
 Ben. What, do you mean that fair weather fpark that 
 was here ju ft now ? will he thrafli my jacket ? Let'n 
 let'n. But an he comes near me, may -hap I may have 
 giv'n a fait eel for's fupper, for all that. What does 
 father mean to leave me alone as I come home, with fuch 
 a dirty dowdy Sea-calf! I an't calf enough to lick your 
 
 chalked face, you cheefe-curd you, marry thee ! 
 
 Oons, I'll marry a Lapland witch asfoon, and live upon 
 felling contrary winds, and wrecked veflels. 
 
 Mifs. I won't be called names, nor I won't be abufed 
 thus, fo I won't If I were a man [Cries."] you durfl 
 not talk at this rate No, you dtirilnot, you ilinking tar- 
 barrel. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Fore fight and Mrs, Frail. 
 
 Mrs. Fare. They have quarrelled juit as we could wifli. 
 
 Ben. Tar barrel ! let your fweet-heart there call me 
 fo, if he'll take your part, your Tom Eflence, and I'll 
 fay fomething to him ; 'gad, I'll lace his mufk-doublet 
 for him, ' I'll make him itink ;' he mall fmell more like 
 a weafel than a civet-cat, afore I ha' done with 'en. 
 
 Mrs. Fare. Blefs me, what's the matter, Mifs ? What 
 
 does {he cry ? Mr. Benjamin, what have you done to 
 
 her ? 
 
 Ben. Let her cry : the more flie cries the lefs flie'll' - 
 (he has been gathering foul weather in her mouth, and 
 now it rains out at her eyes. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. jr 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Come, Mifs, come along with me, and tell 
 me, poor child. 
 
 Mrs. frail. Lord, what fhall we do, there's my brother 
 Foreiight, and Sir Sampfon coining. Sifter, do you take 
 Mils down into the parlour, and I'll carry Mr. Benjamin 
 into my chamber, for they muft not know that they are 
 fallen out. Come, Sir, will you venture yourfelf with 
 me ? [Leaking kiiidly onbitn. 
 
 Ben. Venture, mefs, and that I will, though 'twere 
 to iea in a florin. {Exeunt Ben. and Mrs. Frail. 
 
 Enter Sir Sampfon and Forefight. 
 
 Sir Samp. I left 'em together here? what are they 
 gone ? Ben's a brilk boy : he has got her into a corner, 
 father's own fon, fairh y he'll touzlc her, and mouzle 
 her : the rogue's fliarp fet, coming from iea ; if he 
 fliould not ftay for faying grace, old Forefighr, but 
 fall to without the help of a parfon, ha ? odd if he (hould, 
 I could not be angry with him ; 'twould be but like me, 
 A chip of the old block. Ha! thou'rt melancholic, old 
 prognoiHcation ; ss melancholic as if thou hadft fpiltthe 
 
 fait, or pared thy uails on a Sunday : Come, cheer 
 
 up-, look about thee : look up, old ftar-gazer. Now is 
 he poring upon the ground for a crooked pin, or an old 
 horle-nail, with the head towards him. 
 
 Fcrc. Sir Sampfon, we'll have the wedding to-morrow 
 morning. 
 
 Sir Samp. .With all my heart. 
 
 fore. At ten o'clock , punctually at ten. 
 
 Sir Samp. To a minute, to a fecond ; thou (halt fet thy 
 watch, and the bridegroom fliall obferve its motions ; 
 
 * they fhall be married to a minute, go to bed to. a rni- 
 
 * nute; and, when the alarm ftrikes, they fhall keep> 
 ' time like the figures of St. Dunftan's clock, and con* 
 
 * fammatum eft all over the parifh.' 
 
 JEntcr Scandal. 
 * ScanJ. Sir Sampfon, fad news. 
 
 * Fcrc. Blefs us ! 
 
 * Sir Samp. Why, what's the matter ? 
 
 * Scand. Can't you guefs at what ought to afflict you 
 and him, and all of us, more than any thing elfe ? 
 
 4 fiir Samp. Body o'me, I don't know any unive^ 
 
 ' grievance, but a ne*v tax, or the lofs of the Canary 
 
 E 2 * fleet
 
 5* LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 ' fleet unlefs popery fhould be landed in the Weft, or 
 
 * the French fleet were at anchor at Blackwall. 
 
 * ScanJ. No ? Undoubtedly, Mr. Forefight knew all 
 ' this, and might have presented it. , 
 
 ' Fore. ' fis no earthquake .' 
 
 * Scantf. No, not yet; nor whirlwind. But we don't 
 
 * know what it may come to but it has had a conie- 
 
 * quence already that touches us all. 
 
 4 Sir Samp. Why, body o'me, out with it. 
 
 * Scand. Something has appeared to your Ton Valen- 
 ' tine he's gone to bed upon'r, and very ill. He 
 
 * fpeaks little, yet he fays he has a world to fay. Alks 
 
 * tor his father and the wife Forefight.; talks ofRay- 
 "* mond Lully, and the ghoft of Lilly. He has fecrets 
 
 * to impart, I fuppofe, to you two. I can get nothing 
 
 * out of him but fighs. He defires he tfiay fee you in 
 
 * the morning; but would not be difturbed to-night, be- 
 ' caufe he has fome bufinefs to do in a dream. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Sir, Sir. 
 
 Fore. What's the matter ? 
 
 Serv. Mr. Scandnl, Sir, defirts to ffeak to you, tfon 
 tarneft bnfinefs, which mujl be toldyou, hffayi within thit 
 Lour, or 't-vjill be too late. 
 
 Fore. I* II wait on hitri.SirSa?j>foit) your fervent, 
 
 Sir Samp. H hat h tbislufinefi, friend? 
 
 Serv. iSVr, '//j about your fan, falet/.>ie, fomctblng has 
 a/ftiU'uito him in a dream, that makes him pri>pliej\. 
 
 [Exit Servant. 
 
 Sir Samp. Hnity toity, what have I to do with his 
 dreams or his divination - Body o'me, this is a trick 
 to defer figning the conveyance. I warrant the devil 
 will tell him in a dream, that he muft not part with his 
 cihte, but I'll bring him a parfon, to tell him, that the 
 devil's a liar Or if that won't do, I'll bring a lawyer 
 that fiiall out-lie the devil. And fo I'll try whether my 
 black-guard or his fhall get the better of the day. [Exit. 
 
 * kcand. Alas, Mr. Forefight, I am afraid all is not 
 
 * ri^ht You are a wife man, and a confcientious man ; 
 
 * a fearcher into obfcurhy and futurity ; and, if you 
 
 ' com-
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 53 
 
 { commit an error, it is with a great deal of confideni- 
 
 * tion, and difcretion, and caution. 
 4 Fore. Ah, good Mr. Scandal ! 
 
 ' Scand. Nay, nay, Yis manifeft; I do not flatter 
 
 * you. But Sir Sampfon is hafty, very hafty. I'm 
 
 * afraid he is not fcrupulous enough, Mr. Forelight. 
 
 * He has been wicked ; and heaven grant he may mean 
 
 * well in his affair with you ! But my mind gives me, 
 
 * thefe things cannot be wholly infignificant. You are 
 
 * wife,, and fhould not be over-reached ; methinks you 
 
 * fhould not. 
 
 * Fore. Alas, Mr. Scandal Humanutn eft errare ! 
 
 * bcand. You fay true, man will err ; meer man will 
 
 * err but you are fomething more. There have been 
 
 * wife men ; but they were fuch as you -Men who con- 
 
 * fuked the liars, and were obfervers of omens. Solo- 
 
 * mon was wife: but how ? by his judgement in ailro- 
 ' logy. So fays Pineda, in his third book and eighth 
 ' chapter. 
 
 * Fore. You are learned, Mr. Scandal. 
 
 * Scand. A trifler but a. lover of art. And the wife 
 * men of the Eaft owed their inftru&ion to a ilar ; which 
 
 ' is rightly obferved by Gregory the Great, in favour of 
 
 * aftrology ! And Albertus Magnus makes ft the moil 
 
 * valuable fcience becaufe, fays he, it teaches us to 
 
 * confider the caufation of caufes, in the caufes of 
 
 * things. 
 
 * Fore. I proteft, I honour you, Mr. Scandal. I did 
 
 * not think you had been read in thefe matters. Few 
 
 * young men are inclined' 
 
 * Scand. I thank my ftars that have inclined me. 
 ' But I fear this marriage and making over this eftate, 
 
 * this transferring of a rightful inheritance, will' bring 
 
 * judgments upon us. I-prophefyit; and I would not 
 
 * have the fate of Caflandra, not to be believed. Va- 
 
 * lentine is difturbed ; What can be the can fe of that ? 
 
 * aad Sir Sampfon is hurried by an unufual violence 
 
 * I fear he. does not aft wholly from himfelf ; methinks 
 
 * he does not look as he ufed to do. 
 
 * Fore. He was always of an impetuous nature. But 
 ' as to this marriage, I have confulted the itars j and all 
 
 * appearances are profperous. 
 
 3 ScW,
 
 4 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Scand. Come, come, Mr. Forefight ; let not the 
 profpett of worldly lucre carry you beyond your judg- 
 ment, nor again it your confcience. You are not fa- 
 tisfied that you a& juflly. 
 
 * Fore. How ! 
 
 Scand. You are not fatisfied v I fay. I am loth to 
 difcourage you but it is palpable you are not fatisfied. 
 
 * Fore. "How does it appear, Mr. Scandal ? I think I 
 am very well fatisfied. 
 
 ' Sca:id. Either you fuffer yourfelf to deceive your- 
 felt"; or you do not know yourfelf. 
 . Pray explain yourfelf. 
 
 Scand. Do you ileep well o'nights ? 
 
 fere. Very well. 
 
 Scand. Are you certain ? You do not look fo. 
 
 ore. I am in health, I think. 
 
 Scand. So was Valentine this morning ; and looked 
 juft fo. 
 
 4 fore. How ! Am I altered any way ? I don't per- 
 ceive, it. 
 
 ' Scand. That may be ; but your beard is longer thaa 
 it was two hours ago. 
 4 lore. Indeed ! blefs me ! 
 
 ' Enter Mrs. Forefight. 
 
 4 Mrs. Tore. Hufoand, will you go to bed ? It's ten 
 o'clock. Mr. Scandal* your fervanr. 
 4 Scan*!. Pox on her, Ihe has interrupted my defign 
 but I mufl work her into the project. You keep early 
 hours, Madam. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Mr. Forefight is punctual ; we fit up after 
 him. 
 
 * lore . My dear, pfay lend me your glafs, your little 
 looking- glafs. 
 
 * Scand. Pray lend it, Madam I'll tell you the rea- 
 fon. {She fives him the glafi : Scandal andjhe ivbifper.~\ 
 My paiiion for you is grown fo violent that I am 
 no longer mailer of myfelf I was interrupted in the 
 morning, when you had charity enough to give me 
 your attention ; and I had hopes of rinding another 
 opportunity of explaining myfelf to you but was dif- 
 appointed all this day j aud the uneafmefs that has at- 
 
 ' tended
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 55 
 
 tended me ever fince, brings me now hither at this un- 
 feafonable hour. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Was there ever fuch impudence, to 
 make love to me before my hu(band's face ? I'll ("wear, 
 I'll tell him. 
 
 * Scand. Do. I'll die a martyr, rathej than difclaim 
 my paffion. But come a little farther this way ; and 
 I'll tell you what project I had to get him out of the 
 way, that I might have an opportunity of waiting 
 upon you. \Wlrifper. Forefight looking in the glafs. 
 4 Fore. I do not fee any revolution here. Methinks' 
 I look with a ferene and benign afpccl pale, a little 
 pale but the rofes of thefe cheeks have been gathered 
 many years. Ha ! I do not like that fudden flufhing 
 Gone already ! Hem, hem, hem ! faintifh. My 
 heart is pretty good ; yet it beats: and my pulfes, ha ! 
 I have none Mercy on me ! hum ! Yes, here 
 
 they are. Gallop, gallop, gallop, gallop, gallop, 
 
 gallop ! hey ! whither will . they hurry me ? Now 
 they're gone again and now I'm faint again ; and 
 pale again; and, hem ; and my, hem ! Breath, and, 
 hem! grows fhort ; hem ! hem! he, he, rTem ! 
 
 * Scand, It takes : purfue it, in the name of love and 
 
 * pleafure. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. How do you do, Mr. Forefight ? 
 
 * Fore. Hum, not fo well as I thought I was. Lend 
 'me your hand. 
 
 ' Scand. Look you there now. Your lady fays your 
 
 * fleephas been unquiet of late. 
 
 * Fore. Very likely ! 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Oh, mighty reftlefs ! but I was afraid to 
 1 tell him fo. He has been fubjecT: to talking and ilart- 
 
 ' m g- 
 
 ' Scan 1. And did he not ufe to be fo ? 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Never, never ; till within thefe three 
 
 * nights, I cannot fay that he has once broken my reft 
 ' fince we have been married. 
 
 ' Fore. I will go to bed. 
 
 * Scand. Do fo, Mr. Forefight ; and fay your prayers. 
 ' He looks better than he did. 
 
 * Mrs. Forc\ Nurfe, nurfe ! 
 
 * fore. Do you think fo, Mr. Scandal ? 
 
 Scant?.
 
 56 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 * Stand. Yes, yes ; I hope this will be gone by mom- 
 
 ' ing : take it in time. 
 Fare* I 
 
 hope fo. 
 
 4 Enter Nurfe. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Nurfe, your matter is not well ; put him 
 to bed. 
 
 * Scand. I hope you will be able to fee Valentine in 
 the morning. You had beft take a little diacodian and 
 cowfiip-water, and lie upon your back j may be you 
 may dream. 
 
 * Fore, I thank you, Mr. Scandal ; I will. Nurfe, 
 let me have a watch-light, and lay The Crumbs of 
 Comfort by me. 
 
 Nurfe. Yes, Sir. 
 
 * Fore. And hem, hem ! I am very faint. 
 ' Scand. No, no, you look much better. 
 
 * Fore . Do I ? And, d'ye hear bring me, let me fee 
 ' within a quarter of twelve hem he, hem ! juil 
 ' upon the turning of the tide, bring me the urinal. 
 
 * And I hope, neither the lord of my afcendant, nor 
 
 * the moon will be combull ; and then I may d:> we'll. 
 
 * Scaxd. I hope fo. Leave that to me ; I will erecl: a 
 
 * fcheme ; and, I hope, I fliall find both Sol and Venus 
 
 * in the fixth houfe. 
 
 * Fore. I thank you, Mr. Scandal ; indeed that would 
 ' be a great comfort to me. Hem, hem! goodnight. 
 
 4 [*//; 
 
 ' Scand. Good night, good Mr. Forefight. And I 
 ' hope M.;rs and Venus will be in conjunction while 
 
 * your wife and I are together. 
 
 ' Mrs. Fore. Well ; and what ufe do you hope to make 
 ' of this project ? You don't think that you are ever like 
 
 * to fucceed in yourdelign upon me ? 
 
 * Scand. Yes, faith, I do; I have a better opinion 
 ' both of you and myfelf, thtn to defpair. 
 
 4 Mi:s.. J Ft>rc: Did you ever hear fuch a toad ? 
 
 * Hark'ye, devil ; do you think any woman honeft ? 
 
 * Scand. Yes, feveral, very honeft they'll cheat a 
 1 little at cards, fometimes; but chat's nothing.. 
 
 ' Mrs. Fore. Plhaw ! but virtuous, I mean ? 
 
 * Scand. Yes, faith, I believe fome women are vir- 
 
 * tuous too ; but 'tis, as I believe fome men are valiant, 
 
 * through
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 57 
 
 * through fear For why fliould a man court danger, or 
 
 * a woman flum pleafure ? 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Oh, monurous ! What are confcience and 
 
 * honour ? 
 
 ' Scand. Why, honour is a public enemy ; and eon- 
 
 * fcience a domellic thief: and he that would fecure 
 ' his plenfure, muft pay a tribute to one, and go halves 
 4 with t'other! As for honour, that you have fecured ; 
 
 * for you have purchafed a perpetual opportunity for 
 
 * pleafure. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. An opportunity for pleafure ? 
 
 * Scand. Ay, your hulband ; a hulband is an oppor- 
 
 * tunity for pleafure. So you have taken care ot ho- 
 
 * nour, and 'tis the leaft I can do to take care of con- 
 
 * fcience. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. And fo you think we are free for one 
 ' another ? 
 
 * Scand. Yes, faith v I think fo ; I love to fpeak my 
 . mind. 
 
 * Mrs. Fifre. Why then I'll fpeak my mind. Now, as 
 
 * to this affair between you and me. Here you make 
 
 * love to me ; why, I'il confefs it does not difpleafe me. 
 
 * Your perfonis well enough, and your understanding is 
 
 * not amifs. 
 
 ' Scand. I have no great opinion of myfelf j but, I 
 
 * think, I'm ne ; ther deformed, nor a fool. 
 
 ' Mrs. Fore. But you have a villainous character ; you 
 
 * are a libertine in fpeech, as well as practice. 
 
 * Scand. Come, I know what you would fay you 
 
 * think it more dangerous to be feen in conversation 
 
 * with me, than to allow fome other men the laft fa- 
 
 * vour. You miftake ; the liberty I take in talking is 
 ' purely affected, for the fervice of yourfex. He that 
 
 * firit cries out ftop thief, is often he that has ftolen the 
 ' treafure. I am a juggler, that act by confederacy ; 
 ' and, if you pleafe, we'll put a trick upon the world. 
 
 * Mrs. fore. Ay ; but you are fuch an univerfal jug- 
 
 * gler that I'm afraid you have a great many confede- 
 
 * rates. 
 
 ' $--an<l. Faith, I'm found. 
 
 ' Mrs. Fore. Oh, fie ! I'll fwear, you're impudent. 
 
 Scand.
 
 58 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Scanet. I'll fwear, you're handfome. 
 Mrs. Fore. Pifli, you'd tell me fo, though you did 
 c not think fo. 
 
 Scand. And you'd think fo, though I fhould not tell 
 ou fo : and now I think we know one another pretty 
 
 ' Mrs. Fore. Oh, lord ! who's here ? 
 
 ' Enter Mrs. Frail and Ben. 
 ' Sen. Mefs, I love to fpeak my mind Father has 
 
 * nothing to do with me Nay, I can't fay that neither ; 
 
 * he has fomething to do with me. But what does that 
 
 * fignify ? If fo be, that I ben't minded to be lleered 
 
 * by him ; 'tis as tho'f he fhould flrive againft wind and 
 
 * tide. 
 
 * Mrs. Frail. Ay, but my dear, we muft keep it fe- 
 
 * cret 'till the eftate be fettled ; for you know marrying 
 
 * without an eftate, is like failing in a fliip without bal- 
 
 * laft. 
 
 * Ben. He, he, he ; why that's true ; juft fo for all 
 
 * the world it is indeed, as like a* two cable ropes. 
 
 * Mrs. Frail. And though I have a good portion; your 
 
 * know one would not venture all in one bottom. 
 
 ' Ben. Why that's true again, for may-hap one bottom 
 
 * may fpring a leak. You have hit it indeed, mefs, 
 ' you've nicked the channel. 
 
 * Mrs. Frail. Well, but if you fhould forfake me after 
 
 * all, you'd break my heart. 
 
 t ' Ben. Break your heart? I'd rather the Marygold- 
 
 * fliould break her cable in a florm, as well as I love her. 
 
 Flefh, you don't think I'm falfe-hearted, like a land 
 
 man. A failor will be honeil, tho'f may-hnp he ha? 
 
 never a penny of money in his pocket May-hap I 
 
 may not have fo fair a face as a citizen or a courtier j 
 
 * but for all that, I've ;is good blood in my veins, and it 
 
 * heart as found as a bifket. 
 
 ' Mrs. Frail. And will you love me always ? 
 
 ' Ben. Nay, an I love once, I'll flick like pitch ; I'll 
 
 * tell you that. Come, I'll ling you a fong of a failor. 
 
 * Mrs. Frail. Hold, there's my fifter, I'll call her to 
 e hear it. 
 
 ' Mrs. Fore. Well, I won't go to bed to fny hu&and
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. & 
 
 * to-night, becaufe I'll retire to my own chamber, and 
 
 * think of what you have faid. 
 
 ' Sc\t:i. Well, you'll give me leave to wait upon you 
 
 * to your ch: mber-door ; and leave you my lait inilfuc- 
 
 * tions ? 
 
 * Mrs. Fare. Hold, here's my fitter coming towards us. 
 
 * Mrs. Frail. If it won't interrupt you, I'll entertain 
 
 * you with a long. 
 
 4 Ben. The fong was made upon one of our fhips 
 4 crew's wife ; our boat-fwain made the fong, may-hap 
 
 * you may know her, Sir. Before flie married, flic 
 
 * was" called buxom Joan of Deptford. 
 
 4 Scan, I have heard of her. [ 
 
 'BALLAD, 
 
 A foldier and a failor, 
 A tinker, and a taylor, 
 Had once a doubtful ftrife, Sir, 
 To make a maid a wife, Sir, 
 ' Whofe name was buxom Joan, 
 For now the time was ended, 
 When (he no more intended, 
 To lick her lips at men, Sir, 
 And gnaw the flieets in vain, Sir, 
 
 * And lie o'nights alone. 
 
 The foldier fvvore like thunder, 
 
 * He lov'd her more than plunder ; 
 
 ' And (hew'd her many a fear, Sir, 
 
 * That he had brought from far, Sir, 
 
 ' With fighting tor her fake. 
 
 * The taylor thought to pleafe her, 
 
 * With off'riog her his meafure. 
 
 * The tinker too with mettle, 
 
 4 Said he could mend her kettle, 
 
 * And ftopupev'ry leak. 
 
 ' But while thefe three were prating, 
 
 * The failor llily waiting, 
 
 * Thought if it came about, Sir, 
 
 * That they fliould all fall out, Sir, 
 ' He then might play his part. 
 
 * And
 
 4o LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 * And jufl e'en as he meant, Sir, 
 
 * To loggerheads they went, Sir, 
 
 * And then he let fly at her, 
 
 * A fhot'twixt wind and water, 
 
 * That won this fair maid's heart. 
 
 e "Ben. If fome of our crew that came to fee me,, are 
 
 * not gone, you {hall fee that we failors can dance fome- 
 times as well as other folks. \IP7jiJlles.'] I warrant that 
 
 * brings them, if they be withii} hearing. 
 
 * Enter Seamen. 
 
 * Oh, here they be! and fiddles along with them 
 Come, my lads, let's have a round, and I'll make one. 
 
 {Dance. 
 
 We're merry folks, we failors ; we han't much to care 
 ' for. Thus we live at fea ; eat bifcuit, and drink flip ; 
 
 * put on a clean fliirt once a quarter come home, a n d 
 c lie with our landladies once a year, get rid of a little 
 
 * money ; and then put off with the next fair wind. How 
 
 * d'ye Kke us. 
 
 * Mrs. Frail. Oh, you are the happieft, merrieft men 
 ' alive ! 
 
 Mrs. Fore. We're beholden to Mr. Benjamin for this 
 
 * entertainment. I believe it is late. 
 
 * Ben. Why, fovfooth, an you think fo, you had 
 beft go to-bed. For my part, I mean to tofs a can, 
 ' and remember my fweet-heart, afore I turn in; may- 
 
 * hap I may dream of her ! 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Mr. Scandal, you had beft go to bed, and 
 
 * dream too. 
 
 * ScanA. Why, faith, I have a good lively imagina- 
 ti >n ; and can dream as much to the purpofe as another, 
 
 * if I fet about it. But dreaming is the poor retreat of 
 ' a lazy, hopelefs, and imperfect lover; 'tis the lail 
 ' gl'mpie of lotfe to worn-out finners, and the faint 
 
 da>vning of a blifs to wifliing girls and growing boys. 
 ' There's nought but willing waking love that can 
 ' Make blelt the ripen'd maid and fmifli'd man.' 
 
 END of the THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 6 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 S C E N E, Valentine's Lodgings. 
 Enter Scandal and Jeremy. 
 
 SCANDAL. 
 
 WELL, is your matter ready ? does he look madly, 
 and talk madly ? 
 
 jfere. Yes fir ; you need make no great doubt of that ; 
 lie that was fo near turning poet yefterday morning, can't 
 be much to feek in playing the madman to-day. 
 
 Scan. Would he have Angelica acquainted with the 
 reaibn of his defign ? 
 
 Jere. No, fir ; not yet.- He has a mind to try, 
 
 whether his playing the madman, won't make her play 
 the fool, and fall in love with him ; or at leaft own, that 
 fhe has lov'd him all this while, and conceal'd it. 
 
 Scan. I faw her take coach juft now with hermaid ; and 
 think I heard her bid the coachman drive hither. 
 
 Jere. Like enough, fir, for I told her maid this morn- 
 ing, my matter was run ttark mad only for love of her 
 miftrefs ; I hear a coach<ftop ; if it fhould be fhe, fir, 
 I believe he would not fee her, 'till he hears how (he 
 takes it. 
 
 Scan. Well, I'll try her 'Tis fhe, here fhe comes. 
 
 Enter Angelica ivitb Jenny. 
 
 An*. Mr. Scandal, I fuppofe you don't think it a no- 
 velty, to fee a woman vifit a man at his own lodgings in a 
 morning ? 
 
 Scan. Not upon a kind occafion, madam. But when 
 a lady comes tyrannically to infult a ruin'd lover, and 
 make manifeft the cruel triumphs of her beauty; the 
 barbarity of it fomethingfurprifesme. 
 
 Arg, 'l don't like raillery from a ferious face. 
 Pray tell me what is the matter ? 
 
 Jtrf. No ftrange matter, madam ; my matter's mad, 
 that's all : I fuppofe your ladyfhip has thought him fo a 
 great while. 
 
 Ang. How d'ye mean, mad ? 
 
 Jcre. Why faith, madam, he's mad for wnnt of his 
 
 wits, juft as he was poor for want of money ; his head is 
 
 e'sn as light as his pockets ; and any body that has a 
 
 F mind
 
 2 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 mind to a bad bargain, can't i]o better than to beg him 
 for his eftate. 
 
 Ang. If you fpeak truth, your endeavouring at wit is 
 very unfealbnable 
 
 Scan. She's concerned, and loves him. < \A$3t\ 
 
 Ang. Mr. Scandal, you cannot think me guilty of fo 
 much inhumanity as not to be concerned for a man I 
 muft own my felf obliged to pray tell me the truth. 
 
 Scan. Faith, Madam, I wifli telling a lie would mend 
 the matter. But this is no new eftecl of an unfuccefsful 
 paflion. 
 
 Ang. [A/ide} I know not what to think yet I fhould 
 
 be vext to have a trick put upon me may I not fee 
 
 him ? 
 
 Scan, I'm afraid the phyfician is not willing you fliould 
 fee him yet Jeremy, go in and enquire. [Exit Jeremy. 
 
 Ang. Ha! I faw him wink and (mile 1 fancy 'tis 
 
 a trick {'11 try 1 would difguife to all the world a 
 
 failing, which I muft own to you I fear my happinefs 
 depends upon the recovery of Valentine. ' Therefore I 
 
 * conjure you as you are his friend, and as you have com- 
 ' paffion upon one fearful qf affliction, to tell me what 
 ' I am to hope for I cannot fpeak. But you may tell 
 
 * me, for you know what I would afk.' 
 
 Scan. So; this is pretty plain. Be not too much 
 
 concerned, Madam ; I hope his condition is not defpe- 
 rate : an acknowledgment of love from you, perhaps, 
 may work a cure ; as the fear of your averfion occafioned 
 his diftemper. 
 
 Ang. \_Afide,~\ Say you fo ; nay then I am convinced. 
 And if 1 don't play trick for trick, may I never tafte the 
 
 pleafure of revenge Acknowledgment of love ! I find 
 
 you have miftaken my companion, and think me guilty 
 of a weaknefs I am ailranger to. * But I have too much 
 ' fincerity to deceive you, and too much charity to fuf- 
 ' fer him to be deluded with vain hopes.' Good nature 
 and humanity oblige me to be concerned for him ; but to 
 love is neither in my power nor inclination ; ' and if he 
 
 * cannot be cured without I fuck the poifon from his 
 
 * wounds, I am afraid he won't recover his fenfes till I 
 
 * lofe mine.*
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 65 
 
 Scan. Hey, brave woman, I'faith Won't you fee 
 
 him theft, if hedefire it ? 
 
 Aug. What fignify a madman's- defires ? Befides, 
 'nvou'd make me uneafy If I don't fee him, perhaps 
 
 my concern for him may lefTen If I forget him 
 
 'tis no more than he has done by himfelf ; and now the 
 furprife is over, methinks I am not half fo forry as I 
 was. 
 
 Scan. So, faith good nature works apace ; you were 
 confeffing juft now an obligation to his love. 
 
 Ang. But I have confidered that paffions are unreafon- 
 able and involuntary ; if he loves he cannot help it ; and 
 it I don't love, I cannot help it ; no more than he can 
 help his being a man, or I my being a woman ; or no 
 more than I can help the want of inclination to flay lon- 
 ger here Come, Jenny. \_Exeunt Ang. and Jenny. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 Scan. Humph ! An admirable compofition, faith, 
 
 this fame womankind. 
 
 Jerc . What, is file gone, Sir ? 
 
 Scan. Gone ; why fhe was never here, nor any whete 
 elfe ; nor I don't know her if I fee her ; nor you neither. 
 
 Jerc. Good lack ! what's the matter now ? are any 
 more of us to be mad ? why, Sir, my matter longs to fee 
 her ; and is almoil mad in good earneft, with the joyful 
 news of her being here. 
 
 Scan. We are all under a miftake Afk no queftions, 
 for I cannot refolve you ; but I'll inform your mailer. In 
 the mean time, if our projecl: fucceed no better with his 
 father than it does with his miftrefs, he may defcend from 
 his exaltation of madnefs into the road of common fenfe, 
 and be content only to be made a fool with other reafbna- 
 ble people. I hear Sir Sampfon. You know your cue ; 
 I'll to your mailer. [Rxit Scandal. 
 
 Enter Sir Sampfon Legend, ivith a Lawyer. 
 
 Sir Samp. D'ye fee, Mr. Buckram, here's the paper 
 figned with his own hand. 
 
 Buck. Good, Sir. And the conveyance is ready drawtv 
 in this box, if he be ready to iign and feal. 
 
 Sir Samp. Ready ! body o'me, he mull be ready : His 
 
 fham fkknefs (han't excuie him O, here's his fccun- 
 
 drcl. Sirrah, Where's your mafter ? 
 
 F Z cr<*
 
 64 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Jere. Ah, Sir, he's quite gone. 
 
 Sir Samp. Gone! what, he is not dead? 
 
 Jere. No, Sir, not dead. 
 
 Sir Samp. What, is he gone out of town, run away, 
 ha ! has he trick'd me r Speak, varlet. 
 
 Jere. No, no, Sir, he's fafe enough. Sir, an he were 
 but as found, poor gentleman. He is indeed here, Sir, 
 and not here, Sir. 
 
 i/r Hamp. Hey day, rafcal, do you banter me, firrah, 
 
 d'ye banter me ? Speak, lirrah, where is he? for I 
 
 will find him. 
 
 "Jere. Would you could, Sir ; for he has loft himfelf. 
 
 Indeed, Sir, I have almoft broke my heart about him- 
 
 I can't refrain tears when I think of him, Sir; I am as 
 melancholy for him as a paffing-bell, lir ; or a horfe in a 
 pound. 
 
 Sir Samp. A pox confound your fimilitudes, Sir 
 
 Speak to be underftood, and tell me in plain terms what 
 the matter is with him, or I'll crak your fool's Ikull. 
 
 Jere. Ah, you've hit if, Sir; that's the matter with 
 him, Sir ; his Ikull's crak'd, poor gentleman ; he is ftark 
 rnad, Sir. 
 
 f. Mad ! 
 ck. What, is he Non Compos f 
 
 Jere. Quite Non Compos, Sir. 
 
 Suck. Why then all is obliterated, Sir Sampfon, if he 
 be Non Compos Mentis, his aft and deed will be of no ef- 
 feft, it is not good in law. 
 
 Sir Samp. Oons, I won't believe it; let me fee him, 
 Sir Mad, I'll make him find his fenfes. 
 
 'Jere. Mr. Scandal is with him, Sir; I'll knock at the 
 door. 
 
 [Goes to the ftene, ivbich opens and (life-overs Valentine (upon 
 a Couch dij orderly dreffed,) and Scandal. 
 
 Sir Samp. How now, what's here to do ? 
 
 ral. Ha ! Who's that ? [Starting. 
 
 {'can. For heaven's fake, foftly, Sir, and gently ; don't 
 provoke him. 
 
 Fal. Anfvver me ; Who is that ? and that ? 
 
 Sir Samp. Gads bobs, does he not know me ? Is he 
 
 mifchievous ? I'll fpeak gently Val, Val, doft thou 
 
 not kno T .v me, boy ? not know thy own father, Val ! I 
 
 aru 

 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 6^ 
 
 am thy own father, and this is honeft Brief Back ram the 
 lawyer. 
 
 l r al. It may befo- 1 did not kno\V you 
 
 the world is mil : There are people that we do 
 
 know, and people that we do not know ; and yet the fun 
 
 Ihines upon ail alike There are fathers that have 
 
 many children; and there are children that have many 
 
 fathers 'tis ftrange ! but I am honeft, and come to 
 
 give the world the lie. 
 
 S/r >rty). Body o'mc, I kiiow not what to fay to him. 
 
 P'al. Why docs that lawyer wear black ? Does he 
 
 carry his coufcience without lide ? lawyer, whut 
 
 art ihou ? dolt thou know me ? 
 
 Jlnck. O Lord, what mult I fay ? Yes, Sir. 
 
 J'al. Thou lieft, for I am honeit. Tit hard I cannot 
 rer a livelihood amongft you. I have been Avorn out c f 
 
 \Veitminfter Hail the fiiitdayof every term Lettr.e 
 
 fee No matter how long ' But I'll tell you. 
 
 * one thing, it is a queftion that would puzzle an arith- 
 4 metician, if you would alk him, whether the Bible 
 
 * laves more fouls in Weitminfter- Abbey, or damns mere 
 ' iu \Vetfmi after-hall ;' for my part, I am honeft, and 
 cannot tell ; I have very few acquaintance. 
 
 Sir Samp. Body o'me t he talks fenfibly in his madnef. 
 - > Has he no intervals r 
 
 J re. Very fhort, Sir. 
 
 Muck, Sir, I can do you no fervice while he is in this 
 condition : here is your paper, Sir He may do me a 
 
 mifchief if I liay The conveyance is ready, Sir, 
 
 if he recover hisfenfes. [xit Buckram. 
 
 iVr Sainf>. Hold, hold, don't you go yet. 
 
 Scan. You'd better let him go, Sir; and fend for hliy 
 if there be occalion ; for I fancy his prefence provok-. 
 him more. 
 
 VaL Is the lawyer gone? 'tis well, then we may 
 
 drink about without going together by the ears h.is .h 
 
 h:> ! what a clock is it ? my lather here ! your blelliii^, 
 Sir? 
 
 Mr Samp. He recovers blefs thee, Val, 
 
 How doft thou do, boy ? 
 
 {'u'. Thank you, bir, pretty well 1 have beei> 
 
 2 lit tic out of order ; won't } ou pleafe to lit, Sir ? 
 
 F 5 Sir Samp'.
 
 66 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Sir Samp. Ay boy, Come, thou flialt fit down 
 
 by me. 
 
 Vol. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait. 
 
 Sir Samp. No, no, come, come, fit thee do\vn, honeft 
 Val : How doit thou do ? Let me feel thy pulfe 
 Oh, pretty well now, Val : body o'me, I was forry to 
 fee thee indifpofed ; but I am glad thou art better, honeft 
 Val. 
 
 Val. I thank you, Sir. 
 
 Scan. Miracle ! the monfter grows loving. [Afide. 
 
 Sir Samp. Let me reel thy hand again, Val: It does 
 not fhake I believe thou canft write, Val : ha, boy, 
 
 thou canft write thy name, Val ? Jeremy, ftep and 
 
 overtake Mr. Buckram ; bid him make hafte back with the 
 conveyance ; quick ; quick. [/ whifper to Jeremy. 
 
 [Exit Jeremy. 
 
 Scan. That ever I fhould fufpeft fuch a heathen of any 
 remorfe ! [Afide. 
 
 , Sir Samp. Doft thou know this paper, Val ? I know 
 fhou art honeft, and wilt perform articles. 
 
 [Sbe-ivs him the papar, but holds it out of bis reach. 
 
 Veil. Pray let me fee it, Sir. You hold it fo far off, 
 that I cannot tell whether I know it or no. 
 
 Sir Sa-/np. See it, boy ? ay, ay, why thou doft fee it 
 
 'tis thy own hand, Vally. Why let me fee, I cat* 
 
 read it as plain as can be : Look you here [Reads'] The 
 
 Conditions of this Obligation Look you, as plain as can 
 
 be, fo it begins And then at the bottom As ixitneft 
 
 v hand, VALENTINE LEGEND, in 
 great letters. Why, 'tis as plain as the nofe on one's 
 face : what, are my eyes better than thine ? 1 believe I 
 
 eaa read it farther off yet let me fee. 
 
 [Stretches his arm as far as he can* 
 
 Val. Will you pleafe to let me hold it, Sir? 
 
 Sir Samp. Let thee hold it, fay ft thou Ay, with 
 
 all my heart What matter is it who holds it ? What 
 
 seed any body hold it? I'll put it in my pocket 
 
 Val. and then no body need hold it [Puts the paper in his 
 
 pocket.'] There, Val, it's fafe enough, boy But 
 
 thou flialt have it r.s foon as thou haft fet thy hand to ano- 
 ther paper,. Tittle Val. 
 
 JLntef
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 67 
 
 Enter Jeremy with Buckram. 
 
 FaL What, is my bad genius here again ! Oh no, 'tis 
 the lawyer with an itching palm : and he is come to be 
 
 fcratched My nails are not long enough -Let 
 
 me have a pair of red-hot tongs quickly, quickly, and 
 you fliall fee me acl St. Dunftan, and lead the devil by 
 the nofe. 
 
 Buck. O Lord, let me be gone ; I'll not venture my-, 
 felf with a madman. [>/'/ Buck ram. 
 
 ral. Ha, ha, ha ; you need not run fo full, honefty 
 
 will not overtake you Ha, ha, ha, the roguejoun,d 
 
 me out to be in fnrma ^ a -"^j\ prpfrntiljs ' """ 
 
 Sir Samp. Oons ! What a vexation is here ! I know 
 not what to do, or fay, nor which way to go. 
 
 Wai. Who's that, that's out of his way ? I am honeft, 
 andean fet him right Harkee, friend, the ftraight road 
 is the worft way you can go' He. that follows his 
 ' nofe always, will very often be led into a lUnk. Praia-* 
 ' turn eft. But what are you for, religion or politics ? 
 
 * There's a couple of topicks for you, no more like one 
 ' another than oil and vinegar ; and yetthofe two beaten 
 
 * together by a ftatc cook, make fauce for the whole na- 
 
 * tion. 
 
 4 Sir Samp. What the devil had I to do, ever to beget 
 
 * fons ! Why did I ever marry ? 
 
 * VaL Becauie thou wert a monfter j old boy ? The 
 ' two greateft monfters in the world, are a man and a 
 ' woman ? What's thy opinion ? 
 
 ' Sir Samp. Why, my opinion is, that thofe two mon- 
 
 * fters joined together, .make yet a greater, that is a man 
 
 * and his wife.' v 
 Wai. A ha ! Old Turnpenny, fayeftthou fo : thou haft- 
 nicked it but it is wonderful ilrange, Jeremy. 
 
 Jere. What is, Sit? 
 
 Val. That grey hairs mould cover a green head 
 and I make a fool of my father. What's here ! Err* 
 pater, or a bearded fibyl ? If prophecy comes, truth muft 
 give place. 
 
 Enter Forefight, Mrs. Forefight, and Mrs. Frail. 
 
 Fore. What fays he? What, did he prophecy ? Ha, 
 Sir Sampfon, blefs us ! How are we ?
 
 68 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Sir Samp. Are we ? a plague o' your prognofticationi 
 
 -Why, \ve are fools as we ufed to be Oons, that 
 
 you could not forefee, that the moon would predominate, 
 and my fon'be mad* -Where is your oppofitions, 
 your trines, nnd your quadrates ' What did your 
 
 * Cordan and yourPtolomy tell you ? Your MelTahahili 
 
 * and your Lcngomomanus, your harmony of chiroman- 
 c cy with alrrology.' Ah ! pbgue on it, that I that 
 know the 1 world, and men and manners, that don't believe 
 a fy liable in the fky and ftars, and fun and almanacks, and 
 rrafh, fhould be directed by a di earner, an omen-hunter, 
 and defer bulineft in expectation of a lucky hour, when, 
 body o'me, there never was a lucky hour after the firfl 
 opportunity. [Exit Sir Sampibn. 
 
 Fore. Ah, Sir Sampfon, heaven help your head 
 
 This is none of your lucky hour ; ' -n?:-?u o:-!-:.lh>s boris 
 ffipit. What is he gone, and in contempt of fcience ! Ill 
 liars, and unconvertible ignorance attend him. 
 
 Scan. You muft excufe his paflion, Mr. Forefight ; 
 for he has been heartily vexed---His fon is non compos 
 mentis, and thereby incapable of making any conveyance 
 in law ; fo that all his meaiures are difappointed. 
 
 Fore. Ha ! fay you fo ? 
 
 Mrs, Frail. What, has my fen-lover loft his anchor of 
 hope then ? \djidc to Mrs. Forefight. 
 
 Mrs. Fo.'c. Oh, fifier, what will you do with him ? 
 
 Mrs. Fi'a:']. Do frith him, fend him to fea again m the 
 next foul \veather--.-He is ufed to an inconftant element, 
 iiiid won't be furprifed to fee the tide turned. 
 
 Fore. Wherein was I miltakcn, not to forefee thU- ? 
 
 [Covjiders. 
 
 ' Scan. Madam, you and I can tell him fomething elfe 
 ' that he did not forefee, and more particularly relating ui 
 
 * his own fortune ! {dfdeto Mrs. Forefighr. 
 ' Mrs. Fore. What do you mean ? I don't underftand 
 
 ' you. 
 
 4 Scan. Hufh, foftly the pleafures of laft night, my 
 ' dear ; too confiderable to be forgot fo foon. 
 
 4 Mrs. Fore. Lafl night ? and what would your impu- 
 
 dence infer from laft night ? Laft night was like the 
 ' night before, I think. 
 
 ' Scan. 'Scieath, do you make no difference between me 
 
 * and your hufband ? 
 
 ' Mrs.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 6 9 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Not much he's fuperftitious ; and you 
 c are mad, in my opinion. 
 
 * Scan. You make me mad. -You are not ferious ? 
 
 * ' 'Pray recollect yourfeif. 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. O yes, now I remember, you were veiy 
 
 * impertinent and impudent and would have come to 
 
 * bed to me. 
 
 * Scan. And did not ? 
 
 * Mrs. Fore. Did not ! With what face can you afk the 
 4 queftion ? 
 
 * Scand. This I have heard of before, but never be- 
 
 * lieved. I have been told ihe had that admirable quali- 
 
 * ty of forgetting to a man's face in the morning, that ihe 
 
 * had lam with him all night; and denying that (he had 
 
 * done favours with more impudence than (he could grant 
 ' them. ---Madam, I'm your humble fervant, and honour 
 
 * you. You look pretty well, Mr. Forefight. 
 
 * How did you reft lait night ? -.-;. -.- 
 
 ' Fore. Truly, Mr. Scandal, I was fo taken up with 
 
 * broken dreams and diftracted vifions, that I remember 
 
 * little.' 
 
 Scan. But would you not talk with Valentine, perhapi 
 you may underiland him ; I am apt to believe there is 
 fomething myfterious in his difcourfes, and fometimes 
 rather think him infpired than mad. 
 
 Fore. You fpeak with fingular good judgment, Mr. 
 Scandal, traly--I am inclining to your Turkifh opinion 
 in this matter, and do reverence a man whom the vulgar 
 think mad. Let us go to him. 
 
 [E.v?unt Forefight and Scandal. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Sifter, do you go with them ; I'll find out 
 my lover, and give him his difcharge, and come to you. 
 O'my conicience here he comes. [Exit Mrs. Forefight 
 Enter Ben. 
 
 Ben. All mad, I think Flefli, I believe all the 
 
 calentures of the fea are come afliore, for my part. 
 
 Mrs. Frail, Mr. Benjamin in choler ! 
 
 Ben. No, I am pleafed well enough, now I have found 
 you---Mefs, I have had fuch a hurricane upon your ac- 
 count yonder. 
 
 Mrs Frail. My account, pray, what's the matter ? 
 
 Ben. Why, father came and found me fquabbling with 
 
 yoa
 
 7 o LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 von chitty-faced thing, as he would have me marry,---fa 
 he aflced what was the matter ---He aflced in a furly fort of 
 a vvay -(It feerris brother Val is gone mad, and Ib that 
 put'n into a pailion ; but what did 1 know of that, what's 
 
 that to me ?) So he afked in a furly fort of a man- 
 
 ner,---and gad I anfwered 'en as furlily, what tho'f he 
 be my father, lan't bound prentice to 'en : fo faith, I 
 told'n in plain terms, if I were minded to marry I'd 
 marry to pleafe myfelf, not; him : and for the young wo- 
 man that he provided for me, I thought it more fitting 
 for her to learn her fampler, and to make dirt pies, than 
 to look after a hufband; for my part I was none of her man. 
 ---I had another voyage to make, let him take it as he will. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. So then you intend to go to fea again ? 
 
 Ben. Nay, nay, my mind run upon you, but I wou'd 
 not tell him fo much So he laid he'd make my heart ake ; 
 and if fobe that he could get a woman to his mind, he'd 
 many himfelf. Gad, fays I, an you play the fool and 
 marry at thefe years, there's more danger of your head's 
 aking than my heart. He was woundy angry when I 
 gav'ii that wipeHe had'nt a word to fay, and fo I left'n, 
 and the green girl together; may hap the bee may bite, 
 and -he'll marry her himfelf, with all my heart. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. And were you this undutiful and gracelefs 
 wretch to your father? 
 
 Ben. Then why was he gracelefs firft. * If I am 
 
 * undutiful and gracelefs, why did he beget me fo ? I did 
 
 * not get myfelf.' 
 
 Mrs. Frail. O impiety ! how have I been miftaken ! 
 What an inhuman mercilefs creature have I fet my heart 
 upon ? O I am happy to have dilcovered the (helves and 
 quickfands that lurk beneath that faithlefs fmiling face. 
 
 Ben. Hey rofs ! What's the matter now ? why you 
 ben't angry, be you ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. O j fee me no more, -for them wert born 
 amongft rocks, fuckled by whales, cradled in a tempeft, 
 and whiftled to by winds j and thou art come forth with 
 fins andfcales, and three rows of teeth, a moil: outrage- 
 ous fifh of prey. 
 
 Ben. O Lord, O Lord, fhe's mad, poor young woman, 
 love has turned her fenfes, her brain is quite overfet. 
 Well a-day, how fliall I do to fet her to rights ? 
 
 Jfrt*
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 71 
 
 Mrs. Frail. No, no, I am not mad, monfter, I am 
 wife enough to find you out. Hadft thou the impudence 
 to afpire at being a hufband with that ftubborn and difo- 
 bedient temper ? You that know not how to fubmit to a 
 father, prefume to have a fufficient flock of duty to un- 
 dergo a wife? I fhould have been finely fobbed indeed, 
 very finely fobb'd. 
 
 Ben, Harkee forfooth ; if fo be that you are in your 
 right fenfes, d'ye lee ; for ought as I perceive I'm like 
 to be finely fobb'd-~if I have got anger here upon your 
 account, and you are tacked about already. What 
 d'ye mean, after all your lair fpeeches, and ftroaking my 
 cheeks, and killing and hugging, what would you fheer 
 off fo ? Would you, and leave me a-ground ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. No, I'll leave you a-drift, and go which 
 tvay you will. 
 
 Ben. What, are you falfe-h carted then ? 
 
 Mrs. frail. Only the wind's chang'd ? 
 
 Ben. More ihame for you,- the wind's chang'd ? 
 
 It's an ill wind blows nobody good, may-hap I 
 
 have a good riddance on you, it thefe be your tricks - 
 what did you mean all this while, to- make a fool of me ? 
 Mrs. frail. Any fool but a hufband, 
 Ben. Hufband ! Gad I would not be your hufband, if 
 you would have me ; now I know your mind, tho'f you 
 had your weight in gold and jewels, and tho'f I loved you 
 never fo well. 
 
 Mrs. frail. Why, can'il thou love, porpus ? 
 Ben. No matter what I can do ; don't call names. -I 
 don't love you fo well, as to bear that, whatever I did, 
 I am glad you fhew yourfelf, miitrefs : Let them many 
 you, as don't know you :- Gad, I know you too well, by 
 lad experience ; I believe he that marries you will go to 
 
 fea in a hen-peck'd frigate 1 believe that, young 
 
 woman and may -hap may come to an anchor at 
 
 Cuckold's Point ; fo there's a daih for you, take it as you 
 
 will, may-hap you may holla after me when I won't come 
 
 too. Exit Ben. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Ha, ha, ha, no doubt on't, * My true 
 
 love is gone to fea"-- (Sings. 
 
 Enter J//-J. Forefight. 
 
 Mrs. frail. Oh, lifter ! had you come a minute fooner, 
 3. you
 
 72 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 you would have feen the refolution of a lover. Honeil 
 tar and I are parted, and with the fame indifference that 
 we met. O'my life, I am half vexed at the inteniibiiity 
 of a brute that I defpifed. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. What then, he bore it moft heroically ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Mod tyrannically ; for you lee he has got 
 the ftart of me, and "l, the poor forfaken maid, am left 
 complaining on the fr.ore. But I'll tell you a hint that 
 he has given me ; Sir Sampfon is enraged, and talks def- 
 perately of committing matrimony himfelf. If he has a 
 mind to throw himfelf away, he can't do it more efteclu- 
 ally than upon me, if we could bring it about. 
 
 M>-s. Fore. Oh, hang him, old fox, he's too cunning \ 
 befides he hates both you and me. But I have a project 
 in my head for you ; and I have gone a good way to- 
 wards it. I have almoll made a bargain with Jeremy, 
 Valentine's man, to fell his mafter to us. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Sell him ! how ? 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Valentine raves upon Angelica, and took 
 ine tor her, and, Jeremy fays, will take any body for her 
 that he impofes on him. Now I have promiied him 
 mountains, if, in one of his mad fits, he will bring you to 
 him in her ftead, and get you married together, * and put 
 
 to bed together; and after confummation, girl, there's 
 
 no revoking: and if he fliould recover his fenfes, he'll 
 
 * be glad, at leaft, to make you a good fettlement.' Here 
 they come ; Hand afide a little, and tell me how you like 
 ihe defign. 
 
 Enter Valentine, Scandal, Forefight, and Jeremy. 
 
 Scan. And have you given your mafter a hint of their 
 plot upon him ? [To Jeremy. 
 
 Jer. Yes, Sir ; he fays he'll favour it, and miftake her 
 for Angelica. 
 
 Scan. It may make us fport. 
 
 Fore. Mercy on us ! 
 
 yah Huflit interrupt me not I'll whifper pre- 
 diction to thee, and thou Hialt prophefy ; 'lam honeit, 
 
 * and can teach thy tongue a new trick.' I have told 
 thee what's pall ; now I'll tell thee what's to come. Doit 
 thou know what will happen to-morrow? Anfwer ire 
 not ; for I will tell thee : to-morrcw, knaves will thrive 
 thro' trai't, and fools thro' fortune, and honeily will go 
 
 .as
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 73 
 
 as it did, froit-nipt in a fummer-fuit. Alk me queftions 
 concerning to-morrow. 
 
 Scan. Alk him, Mr. Forefight. 
 Fore. Pray, what will be done at court ? 
 AW. Scandal will tell you : I am Honefty ; I never 
 come there. 
 
 l-'orc. In the city ? 
 
 P'al. Oh, prayers will be faid in empty churches at the 
 
 ufual hours : yet you will lee fuch zealous faces behind 
 
 counters, as if religion were to be fold in every (hop. 
 
 Oh, things will go methodically in the city ; the clocks 
 
 will tfrike twelve at noon, and the horned herd buz in the 
 
 Exchange at two. * Wives and hufbands will drive di- 
 
 llincl trades, and care and pleafure feparately occupy 
 
 the family. Coffee-houfes will be full of fmoke and 
 
 ftratagem ; and the cropped 'prentice, that fweeps his 
 
 matter's (hop in the n-.orning, may, ten to one, dirty his 
 
 flieets before night. But there are two things that you 
 
 will fee very ftrange ; which are, wanton wives, with 
 
 legs at liberty, and tame cuckolds, with chains about 
 
 their necks.' But hold, I muft examine you before I 
 
 go further ; you look fufpicioufly. Are you a hufband ? 
 
 Fore. I am married. 
 
 Pal. Poor creature ! Is your wife of Covent-garden 
 parifn ? 
 
 Fore. No ; St. Martin's in the Fields. 
 Fa I. Aliis, poor man ! his eyes are funk, and his hands 
 fhrivelled; his legs dwindled, and his back bowed: 
 pray, pray for a metamorphons : change thy ihape, and 
 fhake off age : get thee Medea's kettle, and be boiled 
 anew ; come forth with labouring, callous hands, a chine 
 of fleel, and Atlas' flioulders. Let Taliacotius trim the 
 calves of twenty chairmen, and make thee pedcftals to 
 Hand erect upon, and look matrimony in the face. Ha, 
 ha, ha ! that a man fhould have a ilomach to a wedding 
 fupper, when the pigeons ought rather to be laid to his 
 feet ; ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Fore. His frenzy is very high now, Mr. Scandal. 
 Fcan. I believe it is a fpring tide. 
 Tare. Very likely truly ; you underftand thefe mat- 
 ters. Mr. Scandal, I (hall be very glad to confer with 
 G you
 
 74 LOVE FOR LOVE, 
 
 you about thefe things which he has uttered. His fay- 
 ings are very myfterious and hieroglyphical. 
 
 Pal. Oh, why mould Angelica be abfent from my eyes 
 fo long ? 
 
 Jer. She's here, Sir. 
 
 Mn. Fore. Now, fitter. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Oh, lord ! what muft I fay ? 
 
 Scan. Humour him, madam, by all means. 
 
 Vol. Where is fhe ? Oh, I fee her ! She comes, like 
 riches, health and liberty at once, to a defpairing, ftar- 
 ving, and abandoned wretch. Oh, welcome, welcome ! 
 
 Mrs. Frail. How d'ye do, Sir ? Can I ferve you ? 
 
 Vol. Hark'e -I have a fecret to tell you Endy- 
 
 mion and the moon (hall meet us upon Mount Latinos, 
 and we'll be married in the dead of night. But fay not 
 a word. Hymen (hall put his torch into a dark lanthorn, 
 that it may be fecret ; and Juno (hall give her peacock 
 poppy-water, that he may fold his ogling tail, and Ar- 
 gus's hundred eyes be fhut, ha ! nobody" (hall know but 
 Jeremy. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. No, no, we'll keep it fecret ; it fliall be 
 done prefently. 
 
 fal. The fooner the better Jeremy, come hither 
 
 clofer, that none may over-hear us Jeremy, I can 
 
 tell you news ; Angelica is turned nun, and I am turning 
 friar ; and yet we'll marry one another in fpite of the 
 
 pope Get me a cowl and beads, that I may play my 
 
 part ; for fhe'll meet me two hours hence in black and 
 white, and a long veil to cover the project ; and we 
 won't fee one another's faces, till we have done fome- 
 thing to be afhamed of; and then we'll blufh once for all. 
 Enter Tattle and Angelica. 
 
 Jer. I'll take care, and 
 
 'Vol. Whifper. 
 
 Ang* Nay, Mr. Tattle, if you make love to me, you 
 fpoil my delign ; for I intended to make you my con- 
 fident. 
 
 Tat. But, Madam, to throw away yourperfon; fuch 
 a perfon, and fuch a fortune, on a madman ! 
 
 Ang. I never loved him till he was mad but don't 
 tell any body fo. 
 
 Scan. How's this ? Tattle making love to Angelica ! 
 
 Tat, Tell, Madam ! Alas, you don't know me ! 1 
 
 have
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 75 
 
 have much ado to tell your ladyfhip how long I have 
 been in love with you : but, encouraged by the impolfi- 
 bility of Valentine's making any more addrefles to you, 
 I have ventured to declare the very inmoft paffion of my 
 heart. Oh, Madam ! look upon us both. There you 
 fee the ruins of a poor decayed creature Here a com- 
 plete and lively figure, with youth and health, and all his 
 five fenfes in perfection, Madam ; and to all this, the 
 moft pallionate lover - 
 
 *4>ig. Oh, fie for fhame, hold your tongue ! a paf- 
 fionate lover, and five fenfes in perfection ! When you 
 are as mad as Valentine, I'll believe you love me ; and 
 the maddett fliall take me. 
 
 Pal. It is enough. Ha ! who's here ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Oh, lord ! her coming will fpoil all. 
 
 [To Jeremy. 
 
 Jer. No, no, Madam, he won't know her; if he 
 fhould, I can perfuade him. 
 
 Fal. Scandal, who are thefe ? Foreigners ? If they 
 are, I'll tell you what I think - Get away all the com- 
 pany but Angelica, that I may difcover my defign to her. 
 
 Scan. I will - 1 have difcovered fomething of Tattle, 
 that is of a piece with Mrs. Frail. He courts Angelica ; 
 if we could contrive to couple them together Hark'e 
 
 [Wbiflxr. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. He won't know you, coufin ; he knows 
 nobody. 
 
 Fore. But he knows more than any body. Oh, niece, 
 he knows things paft and to come, and all' the profound 
 fecrets of time. 
 
 Tat. Look you, Mr. Forefight, it is not my way to 
 make many words of matters ; fo I (han't fay much. 
 But, in fliort, d'ye fee, I will hold you a hundred pounds 
 now, that I know more fecrets than he. 
 
 Fore. How ! I cannot read that knowledge in your 
 face, Mr. Tattle. Pray, what do you know ? 
 
 Tat. Why, d'ye think I'll tell you, Sir ? Read it in 
 my face ! no, Sir, 'tis written in my heart ; and fafer 
 there, Sir, than letters writ in juice of lemon ; for no fire 
 Can fetch it out. I am no blab, Sir. 
 
 I'al. Acquaint Jeremy with it ; he may eafily bring it 
 G 2 about
 
 76 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 shout They are welcome, and I'll tell them fo my- 
 feU". [To Scandal.] What, do you look ftrange upon me ? 
 Then I muft be plain. [Coming up to them.'} I am Ho- 
 neity, and hate an old acquaintance with a new f;ice. 
 
 [Scandal goes a/ide with Jeremy. 
 
 Tat. Do you know me, Valentine ? 
 
 fa/. You ? Who are you ? No, I hope not. 
 
 Tat. I am Jack Tattle, your friend. 
 
 V>.d. My friend ! what to do ? I am no married man, 
 snd hou canft not lie with my wife : I am very poor, and 
 thou canft not borrow money of me. Then what em- 
 plovment have .1 for a friend ? 
 
 Ta>. Ha ! a good open fpeaker, and not to be truiled 
 %vith a fee ret. 
 
 s!ng. Do you know me, Valentine? 
 
 Fal. Oh, very well ! 
 
 Aug. Who am I ? 
 
 Tal. You are a woman ; one to whom Heaven gave 
 teauty, when it grafted rofes on a briar. You are the 
 reflexion of heaven in a pond ; and he that leaps at you 
 is funk. You are all white, a (beet of lovely fpotlefs pa- 
 per, when you firft are born ; but you are to be fcrawled 
 and blotted by every goofe's quill. I know you ; for I loved 
 a woman, and loved her fo long, that I found out a 
 .fi range thing I found out what a woman was good for. 
 
 Tat. Ay ; pr'ythee, what's that ? 
 
 yal. Why, to keep a fecret. 
 ,at. Oh, lord! 
 
 Val. Oh, exceeding good to keep a fecret ; for tho* 
 
 /" ftie ftiould tell, yet fhe is not to be believed. 
 
 " Tat. Ha ! good again, faith. 
 
 * Val. I would have mufic- Sing me the fong that 
 I like 
 
 'S O N G. 
 
 I tell thee, Charmion, could I time retrieve, 
 And could again begin to love and live, 
 To you I (hould my earlieft offering give ; 
 I know my eyes would lead my heart to you, 
 And I fhould all my vows and oaths renew ; 
 But, to be plain, I never would be true. 
 
 For
 
 LOVEFOR LOVE. 77 
 
 For, by our weak and weary truth, I find 
 Love hates to center in a point affign'd, 
 But runs with joy the circle of the mind. 
 Then never let us chain what fliould be free, 
 But for relief of either fex agree : 
 Since women love to change, and fo do we. 
 
 ' No more for I am melancholy.* [Walks muRng. 
 
 Jfr. I'll do it, Sir. 
 
 Scan. Mr. Forefight, we had beft leave him ; he may 
 grow outrageous, and do mifchief. 
 
 Fore* I will be directed by you. 
 
 [Exeunt Scandal and Forefight. 
 
 Jcr. {To Mrs. Frail.] You'll meet, Madam ; I'll take 
 eare every thing fliall be ready. 
 
 Mrs. frail. Thou ihalt do what thou wilt ; in fhort, I 
 will deny thee nothing. 
 
 Tat. Madam, (hall I wait upon you ? [To Angelica. 
 
 dng. No, I'll itay with him ; Mr. Scandal will pro- 
 tect me. Aunt, Mr. Tattle defires you would give him 
 leave to wait on you. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Mr. Tattle might have usMlefs ceremony. 
 [Exeunt Tattle tf^Mrs. Forefight. 
 
 Scan. Jeremy, follow Tattle. [Exit Jeremy. 
 
 Ang. Mr. Scandal, I only itay till my maid comes, and 
 becaufe I had a mind to be rid of Mr. Tattle. 
 
 Scan. Madam, 1 am very glad that I over-heard a bet- 
 ter reafon, which you gave to Mr. Tattle ; for his im- 
 pertinence forced you to acknowledge a kindnefs for Va- 
 lentiae, which you denied to all his fufferings, and my 
 felicitations. So I'll leave him to make ufe of the difco- 
 very ; and your ladyfliip to the free confeffion of your 
 inclinations. 
 
 Ang. Oh, heavens ! you won't leave me alone with a 
 madman ? 
 
 Scan. No, Madam ; I only leave a madman to his re- 
 medy. [Exit Scan. 
 
 I'al. Madam, you need not be much afraid ; for I 
 fancy I begin to come to myfelf. 
 
 Ang. Ay, but if 1 don't fit you, I'll be hang'd. [4/i(fe 
 
 Vol. You fee what difguifes love makes us put on j 
 
 gods have been in counterfeited fliapes for the fame rea- 
 
 G 3 fon;
 
 7 8 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 fen ; and the divine part of me, my mind, has worn this 
 mafque of madnefs, and this motly livery, only as the 
 {lave of love, and the menial creature of your beauty. 
 Ang. IVIercy on me, how he talks ! Poor Valentine ! 
 Vol. Nay, faith, now, let us underftand one another, hy- 
 pocriiy apart : the comedy draws towards an end, and let 
 us think of leaving acting, and be ourfelves ; and fince 
 you have loved me, you mult own, I have at length de- 
 ierved you fhould confefs it. 
 
 Ang. \S : ghs^\ I would I had loved you ; for, Heaven 
 knows, I pity you : and could I have rorefeeu the bad 
 effefts, I would have ftriven but that's too late. [Sighs. 
 .Pal. What fad effects ? What's too late ? My feeming 
 iruidnefs has deceived my father, and procured me time to 
 think of means to reconcile me to him, and preierve the 
 li^ht of my inheritance to his eftate, which, otherwife, 
 by articles, I muft, this morning, haverefigned ; and this 
 I h?.d informed you of to-day, but you were gone, be- 
 fore 1 knew you had been here. 
 
 Ang. How ! I thought your love of me had caufed 
 this tranfport in your foul, which; it feems, you only 
 counterfeited, for mercenary ends, and fordid intereir. 
 
 Fal. Nay, now you do me wrong ; for if any intereft 
 was coulidered, it was yours ; fince I thought I wanted 
 more than love to make me worthy of you. 
 
 Ang. Then you thought me mercenary But how 
 
 am I deluded by this interval of fenfe, to reafon with a 
 madman ? 
 
 yal. Oh, 'tis barbarous to mifunderftand me longer ! 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 Ang. Oh, here is a reafonable creature ! Sure he will 
 not have the impudence to perlevere Come, Jeremy, 
 acknowledge your trick, and confels your matter's mad- 
 nefs counterfeit. 
 
 Jer. Counterfeit, Madam ! I'll maintain him to be as 
 absolutely and fubflantially mad, as any freeholder in 
 Bedlam nay, he's as mad as any projector, fanatic, 
 chymiit, lover, or poet in Europe. 
 f^al. Sirrah, you lie ; I am net mad. 
 Ang. Ha, ha, ha ! you fee he denies ir. 
 Jer. Oh, lord, Madam ! did you ever know any mad- 
 an mad enough to own it ?
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE, 79, 
 
 Pal, Sot, can't you apprehend ? 
 
 An*. Why, he talked very fenlibly juft now. 
 
 Jer. Yes, Madam, he has intervals j but you fee he 
 begins to look wild again, now. 
 
 fs'aL Why, you thick-fkulled rafcal, I tell you the 
 farce is done, and I will be mad no longer. [Beats bim+- 
 
 Anv. Ha, ha, ha ! is he mad or no, Jeremy ? 
 
 Jer. Partly, I think ; for he does not know his own 
 mind two hours. I'm fure I left him jutl now, in the 
 humour to be mad ; and I think I have not found him 
 very quiet at this prefent. Who's there ? [On? knocks.. 
 
 P"al. Go fee, you fot. [Exit Jer.] I am very glad 
 that I can move your mirth, tho' not your companion. 
 
 Ang. I did not think you had apprehenfion ji.ough to 
 be exceptious : ' but madmen (hew themfelves mou, by 
 
 * over-pretending to a found underftanaing ; as dr j . - n 
 ^ men do, by over-acting fobriety. I was half ind'nirg 
 
 * to believe you, till I accidentally touched upon your 
 
 * tender part ;' but now you have reftored me to my for- 
 mer opinion and companion. 
 
 Re-enter Jeremy. 
 
 Jer. Sir, your father has lent to know if you are any 
 better yet. Will youpleafe to be mad, Sir, or how ? 
 
 Vah Stupidity ! You know the penalty of all I'm 
 worth muft pay for the confeffion of my fcnles. I am 
 mad, and will be mad to every body but this lady. 
 
 Jer. So, juft the very reverie of truth- But lying 
 
 is a figure in fpeech, that interlards the greateft part of 
 
 my converfatlon Madam, your ladyftiip's woman. 
 
 [Exit Jeremy. 
 Enter Jenny. 
 
 Aug. Well, have you been there ? Come hither.. 
 
 Jenny. Yes, Madam, SirSampfon will wait upon you 
 prefently \Afide to Angelica.' 
 
 Pal. You are not leaving me in this uncertainty ? 
 Ang. Would any thing but a madman complain of un- 
 certainty ? Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of 
 life. Security is an infipid thing ; and the overtaking 
 and pofleiling of a wiih, difcovers the folly of the chace. 
 Never let us know one another better ; for the pleal'ure 
 of a mafquerade is done, when we come to (hew our 
 fac^s. But I'll tell you two things before I leave you ; 
 j I am
 
 So LOVE FOR LOVE, 
 
 I am not the fool you take me for : and you are mad, and 
 
 dcn't know it. \Exnint Ang. and Jenny. 
 
 Enter Jeremy. 
 
 Vol. From a riddle you can expect nothing but a 
 riddle There is my initruftion, and the moral of my 
 leflbn. 
 
 Jcr. What, is the lady gone again, Sir ? I hope you 
 vmderftood one another before {he went. 
 
 Vah Underftood ! She is harder to be v.nderftood than 
 a piece of Egyptian antiquity, or an Irifli manufcript ; 
 you may pore till you fpoil your eyes, and not improve 
 your knowledge. 
 
 Jer. I have heard them fay, Sir, they read hard He- 
 brew books backwards ; may be you begin to read at the 
 wrong end. 
 
 V&L They fay fo of witches' prayers ; and dreams and 
 Dutch almanacks are to be understood by contraries. 
 
 * But there is regularity and method in that ; (he is a 
 
 * medal without a reverfe or infcription \ for indifference 
 
 * has both fides alike.' Yet while (he does not feem to. 
 hate me, I will purfue her, and know her, if it be pofllble, 
 in fpite of the opinion of my iatirical friend, Scandal, 
 who fays, 
 
 Thar women are like tricks by flight of hand, 
 Which, to admire, we Ihould not underiland. 
 
 END of the FOURTH ACT. 
 
 ACT V. 
 
 SCENE, a room in Forefight'j boufe. 
 Enter Angelica and Jenny. 
 
 ANGELICA. 
 
 WHERE is Sir Sampfon ? Did you not tell me he 
 would be here before me 
 
 Jcn*y. He's at the great glafs in the dining-room, Ma- 
 dam, fettin^ hi=; cravat and wig. 
 
 ' Aug. How ! I'm glad on't. If he has a mind I fhould 
 like him, iris a fign he likes me j and that's more than 
 half my defign. 
 
 Jtnay,.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 81 
 
 yenny. I hear him, Madam. 
 
 sing. Leave me ; and, d'ye hear ? If Valentine fhould 
 come, or lend, I am not to be fpoken with. 
 
 [Exit Jenny, 
 Enter Sir Sampfon. 
 
 Sir Samp. I have not been honoured with the com- 
 irands of a fair lady a great while Odd, Madam, you 
 have revived me Notfince I was five-and-thirty. 
 
 Aug. Why, you have no great reafon to complain, Sir 
 Sampfon ;. that is not long ago. 
 
 Sir Samp. Zooks, but it is, Madam, a very great while, 
 to a man thai admires a fine woman as much as I do. 
 
 Avg. You are an abfolute courtier, Sir Sampfon. 
 . Sir Samp. Not at al), Madam. Odfbud, you wrong* 
 me ; I am not fo old neither, to be a bare courtier, only a 
 man of words. * Odd, I have warm blood about me 
 * yet ; and can. ferve a lady any way.' Come, come, 
 let me tell you, you women think a man old too foon-;- 
 faith and troth you do. Come, don't defpiie fifty ; odd, 
 fifty, in a hale/conftitution, is no fuch contemptible age. 
 
 Ang... Fifty a contemptible age ! Not at all ; a very 
 faflrionable age, I think I affure you, I know very con- 
 fiderable beaus, that fet a good face upon fifty ; fifty ! I 
 have feen fifty in a fide-box, by candle-light, out-bloflbm 
 five-and-twenty. 
 
 Sir Samp. Outfides, outfides ! a pize take them, mere 
 outfides : hang your fide-box beaus ; no, I'm none of. 
 thofe ; none of your forc'd trees, that pretend, to bloflbm 
 in the fail, and bud when they (hould bring forth fruit : 
 lam of along-liv'd race, and inherit vigour; none of 
 my anceftors married till fifty, yet they begot fons and 
 daughters till fourfcore: I am of your patriarchs, I, a 
 branch of one of your antediluvian families, fellows that 
 the flood could not wafli away. Well, Madam, what are 
 your commands? Has any young rogue aftronted you, 
 and (hall I cut his throat ? Or- 
 
 Aug. No, Sir Sampfon, I have no quarrel upon my 
 
 hands 1 have more occafion for your conduct than 
 
 your courage at this time. To' tell you the truth, I am 
 weary of living fingle, and want a hulband. 
 
 Sir Samp. Odlbud, and 'tis pity you fhould Oddt 
 
 would (lie would like me, then I ihould hamper my
 
 8z LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 young rogues: odd, wou'd fhe wou'd: faith and troth 
 (he's devilifli handfome. [AJiJe.'} Msdam, you defervc a 
 good hufoand, and 'twere a pity you fhould be thrown 
 away upon any of thefe young idle rogues about the town. 
 
 Odd, there's ne'er a young fellow worth hanging, 
 
 that is, a very young fellow. 
 
 * Ang. She that marries a fool, Sir Sampfon, forfeits 
 the reputation of her honelty or her underitanding : 
 and fhe that marries a very witty man, is a Have to the 
 feverity and infblent conduct of her hufband. I fliould 
 like a man of wit for a lover, becaufe I would have fuch 
 a one in my power : but I would no more be his wife, 
 than his enemy ; for his malice is not a more terrible 
 confequence of his averfion than his jealoufy is of his 
 love. 
 
 * Sir Samp. None of old Forefight's fibyls ever uttered 
 fuch a truth. Odfbud you have won my heart. I hate 
 a wit: Pize on them, they never think before-hand of 
 any thing ; and if they commit matrimony, 'tis as 
 they commit murder; out of a frolic : and are ready to 
 hang themfelvcs, or to be hanged by the law, the next 
 morning : Odfo, have a care, Madam.* 
 Ang. Therefore I alk your advice, Sir Sampfon : I 
 have fortune enough to make any man eafy that I can 
 like ; if there were fuch a thing as a young agreeable man 
 
 with a reafonable ftock of good-nature and fenle For 
 
 I would neither have an abfolute wit, nor a fool. 
 
 Sir Samp. Odd, you are hard to pleafe, Madam j to 
 find a young fellow that is neither a wit in his own eye, 
 nor a fool in the eye of the world, is a very hard talk. 
 But, faith and troth, you fpeak very difcreetly ; * for I 
 * hate both a wit and a fool.' I hate a wit ; I had a fon 
 that was fpoiled among them ; a good hopeful lad till he 
 
 learned to be a wit And might have rifen in the 
 
 flate But, a pox on't, his wit run him out of his mo- 
 ney, and now his poverty has run him out of his wits. 
 
 A*f. Sir Sampfon, as your friend, I mud tell you, you 
 are very much abufed in that matter ; he's no more mad 
 than you are. 
 
 Sir Samp. How, Madam ! wou'd I cou'd prove it. 
 An*. I can tell you how that may be done But it
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 83 
 
 is a thing that \vou'd make me appear to be too much con- 
 cerned in your affairs. 
 
 Sir Samp. Odfbud, I believe fhe likes me [AJiJe.'] 
 Ah, Madam, ' all my affairs arefcarce worthy to belaid 
 
 * at you feet : and I wifli, Madam, they were in a better 
 
 * pofture, that I might make a moie becoming offer to a 
 
 * lady of your incomparable beauty and merit' 
 
 If I had Peru in one hand, and Mexico in t'other, and the 
 Eaftern empire under my feet, it would make me only a 
 more glorious victim to be offered at the fhrine of your 
 beauty. 
 
 Ang. Blefs me, Sir Sampfon, what's the matter ? 
 
 Sir Samp. Odd, Madam, I love And if you would 
 
 take my advice in a hufband 
 
 Ang. Hold, hold, Sir Sampfon. I alked your advice 
 
 for a hufband, and you are giving me your confent 1 
 
 was indeed thinking to propofe fomething like it in jeft, 
 to fatisfy you about Valentine : for if a match were feem- 
 ingly carried on between you and me, it would oblige him 
 to throw off his difguife of madnefs, in apprehenlion of 
 lofing me : for you know he has long pretended a paffion 
 for me. 
 
 Sir Samp. Gadzooks, a moft ingenious contrivance if 
 we were to go through with it. But why muft the match 
 
 only be feemingly carried on ? Odd, let it be a real 
 
 contract. 
 
 Ang. O fy, Sir Sampfon, what would the world fay? 
 
 Sir Samp. Say, they would fay, you are a wife woman, 
 and I a happy man. Odd, Madam, I'll love you as 
 long as I live, and leave you a good jointure when I 
 die. 
 
 Ang. Ay; but that is not in your power, Sir Sampfon ; 
 for when Valentine confefTes himielf in his fenfes, he 
 muft make over his inheritance to his younger brother. 
 
 Sir Samp. Odd, you're a cunning, a wary baggage? 
 
 Faith and troth I like you the better But, I warrant 
 
 you, I have a proviib in the obligation in favour of my- 
 
 lelf Body o'me, I have a trick to- turn the fettlement 
 
 up;>n the ilTue-male of our two bodies begotten ; odlbud, 
 let us find children, and I'll find an eilate. 
 
 Ang. Will you ? Well, do you find the eftate, and leave 
 
 the t'other to me 
 
 Sir
 
 B4 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Sir Samp, O rogue ! But I'll truft you. And will you 
 <x>nfent ? Is it a match then ? 
 
 Ang-. Let me contult my lawyer concerning this obli- 
 ligation : and if I find what you propofe practicable, I'll 
 give you my anfwer. 
 
 Sir Samp. With all my heart; come in with me, 
 
 and I'll lend you the bond ' You frail conlult your 
 
 ' lawyer, and I'll confult a parfon. Odzooks, I'm a 
 
 * young man, and I'll make it appear Odd, you're 
 
 * devilifh handfome ; faith and troth, you're very hand- 
 ' fome, and I'm very young, and very lufty Odfbud, 
 
 * hufly, you know how to choofe, and fo do I ; Odd, 
 
 * I think we are very well met ; Give me your hand, 
 4 odd, let me kifs it ; 'tis as warm and as foft as what ? 
 4 Odd, as t'other hand Give me t'other hand, 
 
 * and I'll mumble them, antl kifs them 'till they melt in 
 4 my mouth, 
 
 * 'Aug. Hold, Sir Sampfon You're profufe of your 
 
 vigour before your time : you'll fpend your eftate before 
 *' you come to it. 
 
 "* Sir Samp. No, no, only give you a rent-roll of my 
 pofle&opa Ah ! baggage I warrant you for little 
 
 * Sampfon. Odd, Sampfon's a very good name for an 
 able fellow ; your Sampibns were Itrong dogs from the 
 beginning. 
 
 * Ang. Have a care, and don't over-aft your part If 
 
 * you remember, Sampfon, the itrongeft of the name, 
 
 * pulled an old houfe over his head at laft. 
 
 ' Sir Samp. Say you fo, hufly ? Come, let's go then ; 
 
 ' odd, I long to be pulling too ;' come away Odfo, 
 
 here's fomebody coming. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Tattle and Jeremy. 
 
 Tat, Is not that fhe, gone out jutt now ? 
 
 Jcr. * Ay, Sir, flie is juft going to the place of appoint- 
 ' mem.* If you are not very faithful and clofe in this 
 bufmeis, you'll certainly be the death of a perfon that 
 has a moft extraordinary paffion for your honour's fer- 
 vice. 
 . Tat. Ay, who's that ? 
 
 Jer. Even my unworthy felf, Sir Sir, Ihavehr.d 
 
 an appetite to be fed with your commands a great while ; 
 And now, Sir, my former mailer having much trou- 
 
 bled
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. S$ 
 
 bled the fountain of his understanding; it is a very plau- 
 fible occafion for me to quench my thirft at the fpring of 
 your bounty I thought I could not recommend myfe'f 
 better to you, Sir, than by the delivery of a great beauty 
 and fortune into your arms, whom I have heard you li^h 
 for. 
 
 Tat. I'll make thy fortune j fay no more Thou art 
 
 a pretty fellow, and canft carry a meflage to a lady, in a 
 pretty foft kind of phrafe, and with a good perfuading ac- 
 cent. 
 
 Jer. Sir, I have the feeds of rhetoric and oratory in my 
 
 head 1 have been at Cambridge. 
 
 Tat. Ay ; 'us well enough for a fervant to be bred af- 
 an university : but the education is a little too pedantic 
 for a gentleman. I hope you are fecret in your nature s 
 private, clofe, ha ? 
 
 Jer. O Sir, for that Sir, 'tis my chief talent ; I'm as 
 fecret as the head of Nilus. 
 
 'Tat. Ay! who's he, tho' ? a privy counfellor ? 
 Jer. O ignorance ! [A/iJc.~\ A cunning jEgyptian, Sir, 
 that with his arms would over-run the country ; yet no- 
 body could ever find out his head quarters. 
 
 Tat. Clofe dog ! A good whorernaftcr, I warrant him 
 The time draws nigh, Jeremy. Angelica will be veiled 
 like a nun; and I muft be hooded like a friar; ha, Je- 
 remy ? 
 
 Jcr. Ay, Sir, hooded like a hawk, to feize at firir. fight 
 upon the quarry. It is the whim of my matter's madnefs 
 to be fo drelled ; and fhe is fo in love with him, Ihe'll 
 comply with any thing to pleafe him. Poor lady, I'm 
 furc Ihe'll have reafon to pray for me, when (he finds 
 what a happy exchange f;ie has made, between a madman 
 and fo accomplifheda gentleman. 
 
 Tat. Ay faith, fo the will, Jeremy. You're a good 
 
 friend to her, poor creature 1 fvvear I do it hardly fo 
 
 much in consideration of myfelf as compaffion to her. 
 
 Jer. ' Tis an act of charity, Sir, to fave a fine woman 
 with thirty- thoufandpounds, from throwing herfelf away. 
 
 Tat. bo 'tis, faith 1 might have laved feveral others 
 
 in my time ; but I, gad I could never find in my heart to 
 marry any body before. 
 
 Jer. Weil, Sir, I'll go and tell her my mafter's com- 
 ing ; and meet you in half a quarter of an hour, with your 
 H tlilguife,
 
 86 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 difguife, at your own lodgings. You muft talk a little 
 uiadRefs, me won't diftinguifh the tone of your voice. 
 
 [Exit Jeremy. 
 
 Tat. No, no, let me alone for a counterfeit ; I'll 
 
 be ready for you. 
 
 Enter Mifs Prue. 
 
 Mifs P. O Mr. Tattle, are you here ! I'm glad I have 
 found you ; I have been looking up and down tor you like 
 any thing, 'till I'm as tired as anything in the xvorld. 
 
 Tat. O pox, how fhall I get rid of this f oolifti girl ? 
 
 Mifs P. O, I have pure news, I can tell you, pure news 
 
 -I muft not marry the feaman now my father fays 
 
 fo. Why won't you be my huflxmd ? you fay you love 
 me, and you won't be my hufband. And I know you 
 may be my hufbandnow, if youpleafe. 
 
 Tat. O fy, Mifs ; Who told you fo, child ? 
 
 Mifs P. "Why, my father 1 told him that you loved 
 
 me. 
 
 Tat. O fy, Mifs, why did you do fo ? and who told you 
 fo, child ? 
 
 Mifs P. Who ? why you did ; did not you ? 
 
 Tat. O pox, that was yefterday, Mifs, that was a great 
 while ago, child. I have been alleep fince ; flept a whole 
 night, and did not fo much as dream of the matter. 
 
 Mifs P. Pfliaw ! O but I dreamt that it was fo tho'. 
 
 Tat. Ay, but your lather will tell you that dreams 
 
 come by contraries, child O fy ; what, wemufrhot 
 
 love one another now Pfhaw, that would be a fool- 
 
 ifli thing indeed Fy, fy, you're a woman now, and 
 
 muft think of a new man every morning, and forget him 
 ever) 7 niuht No, no, to marry is to be a child again, 
 and play v.'ith the fame rattle ah\ ays : O fy, marrying is 
 a pnw thing. 
 
 !''. Well, but, don't you love me as well as you 
 did laft night then ? 
 
 Tat. No, ho, child, you would not have me. 
 
 Mife P . No ? yes but I would tho'. 
 
 Tat. Pfliaw, but I tell you, you mould not You 
 
 forget you're a woman, and don't know your own mind ? 
 
 MffsP.. But here's my father, and he knows my mind. 
 Enter Forefight. 
 
 lore. O, Mr. Tattle, yourfervant, you are a clofe man; 
 
 but
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 87 
 
 but methinks your love to my daughter was a fecrct I 
 
 might have been trufted with, Or had you a mind to 
 
 try if I could difcover it by my art Hum, ha ! I flhink 
 
 there is fomething in your phyfiognomy, that has a re- 
 femblance of her ; and the girl is like me. 
 
 Tat. And fo you wou'd inter that you and I are alike 
 
 what does the old prig mean ? I'll banter him, and 
 
 laugh at him, and leave him. \_Aftde.~\ I fancy you have a 
 wrong notion effaces. 
 
 Fore. How ? what, a wrong notion ! how fo ? 
 Tat. In the way of art: I have fome taking feature?, 
 not obvious to vulgar eyes ; that are indications of a fud- 
 den turn of good fortune, in the lottery of wives ; and 
 promife a great beaury and great fortune referved alone 
 for me, by a private intrigue of defliny, kept fecret from 
 the piercing eye of perfpicuity ; from all aitrulugers, arul 
 the ftars themselves. 
 
 Fore. How ! I will make it appear, that what you fay 
 is impoffible. 
 
 Tat. Sir, I beg your pardon, I'm in hafle- - 
 
 Fore. For what ? 
 
 Tat. To be marry'd, Sir, marry'd. 
 
 Fore. Ay, but pray take me along with you, Sir 
 
 Tat. No, Sir ; 'tis to be done privately 1 never 
 
 make confidents. 
 
 Fore. Well ; but my confent I mean You won't 
 marry my daughter without my confent ? 
 
 Tat. Who I, Sir? I'm an abiblute flrangerto you and 
 your daughter, Sir. 
 
 Fore. Hey day ! what time of the moon is this? 
 
 Tat. Very true, Sir, and defire to continue fo. I have 
 
 no more love for your daughter, than I have likenefs of 
 
 you, * and I have a fecret in my heart, which you would 
 
 be glad to know, and ihan't know ; and yet you fhall 
 
 know it too, and be forry for it afterwards. I'd have 
 
 you to know, Sir, that I am as knowing as the ftars, and 
 
 as fecret as the night.' And I'm going ro be married 
 
 juft now, yet did not know of it half an hoar ago ; and the 
 
 lady ftays for me, and does not know of it yet There's 
 
 a myfteVy for you 1 know you love to untie diflicul- 
 
 ties Or if you can't folve this ; itay here a quarter 
 of an hour, and I'll come and explain it to you. [.v. Tat. 
 Mfi P. O father, why will you let him go ? Won't 
 you make him to be my hufband ? 
 
 H 2 F*rt.
 
 88 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Fore. Mercy on us, what does thefe lunacies portend 
 alas ! he's mad, child, (lark wild. 
 
 Mifs P. What, and muft not I have e'er a huftand then? 
 what muft I go to bed to nurfe again, and be a child as 
 long as {he's an old woman ? Indeed but I won't. For 
 now my mind is fet upon a man, I will have a man 
 fome way or other. * Oh ! methinks I'm fick when I 
 4 think of a man ; and if I can't have one, I would go to 
 4 ileep all my life : for when I'm awake it makes me wifH 
 
 * and long, and I don't know for what- - and I'd rather 
 
 * be always afleepthanfick with thinking.' 
 
 Fore. O fearful ! I thinft the girl's influenced too, 
 huffy, you (hall have a rod. 
 
 Mlfs P. A fiddle of a rod, I'll have a huftand ; and if 
 you won't get me one, I'll get one for myfelt : I'll marry 
 our Robin the butler, he fays he loves me, and he's a 
 liandfome man, and fiiall be my huftand ; I'll warrant 
 he'il be my hufoand, and thank me too, for he told me 
 fo. 
 
 Enter Scandal, Mrs. Forefight, and Nurfe. 
 
 Fore. Did he Ib - I'll difpatch him for't prefently, 
 rogue! Oh, nurfe, come hither. 
 
 What is your worfliip's pleafure ? 
 
 Yore. Here take your young miilrefs, and lock her up 
 prefently, 'tiil farther orders from me not a word 
 huffy - Do what I bid you, no reply, away. And bid 
 Robin make ready to give an account of his plate and 
 linen, d'ye hear, begone when I bid you. 
 
 [Exeunt Nurfe and Mifs Prue. 
 
 Mrs. Tore. What's the matter, huftand ? 
 
 fore. 'Tis not convenient to tell you now - Mr. 
 Scandal, heav'n keep us all in our fenfes I fear [there is 
 a contagious frenzy abroad. How does Valentine ? 
 
 Scan. O I hope he will do well again - 1 have a mef- 
 fage from him to your niece Angelica. 
 
 Fore. I think fte has not returned fmce {he went abroad 
 with Sir Sampfon. 
 
 Enter Ben. 
 
 Mrs. Fore, Here's Mr. Benjamin, he can tell us if his 
 father be come home. 
 
 Ben. Who, father ? ay, he's come home with a ven- 
 geance. 
 
 Mn. Fare. Why, what's the matter ? 
 
 Ben. Matter ! why he's mad. 
 
 Fore.
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 89 
 
 Fore. Mercy on us, I was afraid of this. 
 
 Ben. And there's the handfome young woman, ftie, 
 as they fay, brother Yal went mad for, (lie's mad too, I 
 think. 
 
 Fore.O my poor niece, my poor niece, is flie gone too ? 
 well, I (hall run mad next. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Well, but how mad ? how d'ye mean ? 
 
 Sen. Nay, I'll give you leave to guefs - I'll under- 
 take to make a voyage to Antigua- --No, hold, I 
 mayn't fay fo neither : - But I'll fail as far as Leg- 
 horn, and back again, before you {hall guefs at the mat- 
 ter, and do nothing elie; mefs, you may take in all the 
 points of the compafs, and not hit right. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Your experiment will take -up a little too 
 much time. 
 
 Sen. Why then I'll tell you ; there's a new wedding 
 upon the flocks, and they two are going to be married to^ 
 
 Who? 
 
 night. 
 
 Sc 
 
 Pen. Why father, and the young woman. I can's 
 hit of her name. 
 
 Scan. Angelica ? 
 
 Ben. Ay, the fame. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. Sir Sampfon and Angelica, impofllble ! 
 
 Ben. That may be - but I'm fure it is as I tell you* 
 
 Scan. 'Sdeath, it's a jeft, I can't believe it. 
 
 Ben. Look you, friend, it's nothing to me, whether you 
 believe it or no. What I fay is true ; d'ye fee, they arc 
 married, or juft going to be married, I know not which. 
 
 Fort. Well, but they are not mad, that is, not luna- 
 tick ? 
 
 Ben. I don't know what you may call madnefs 
 But (he's mad for ahufband, and he's horn mad, I think, 
 or they'd ne'er make a match together - Here they 
 come. 
 
 Enter Sir Sampfon, Angelica, and Buckram. 
 
 Sir Samp. Where is this old footnfuyer ? this uncle of 
 
 mine ele6r ? Aha, old Forefight, uncle Forefight, wifh me 
 
 joy, uncle Forefight, double joy, both as uncle and aftro- 
 
 loger; here's a conjunftion that was not foretold in all 
 
 . your Ephemeris - Thebrighteft ilar in the blue fir- 
 
 mament is Jkot from al>oi'e, * in a jelly of love, and fo 
 
 * forth ;' and I'm lord of the nfcendant. Odd, you are 
 
 an old fellow, Forefight j uncle I mean; a very old tcliow, 
 
 H 3 uncle
 
 9 o LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 uncle Fcrefight, and yet you fliall live to dance at my 
 wedding ; faith and troth you fliall. Odd, we'll have the 
 rnufickof the fpheres for thee, old Lilly, that we will, 
 and thou (halt lead up a dance in via laftea. 
 
 Fare. I'm thunder-ftruck ! you are not married to my 
 niece ? 
 
 Sir Samp. Not abfolutely married, uncle ; but very 
 near it, within a kits of the matter, as you fee. 
 
 [Ki/es Angelica. 
 
 Aug. 'Tis very true indeed, uncle ; I hope you'll be my 
 father, and give me. 
 
 Sir Samp. That he fliall, or I'll burn his globes 
 body o'me, he (hall be thy father, I'll make him thy fa- 
 ther, and thou (halt make me a father, ' and I'll make 
 
 * thee a mother, and we'll beget fons and daughters enow 
 to put the weekly bills out of countenance. 
 
 Scan. Death and hell ! where's Valentine ? 
 
 [A// Scandal. 
 
 Mrs fore. This is fo furpriiing 
 
 Sir Samp. How ! what does my aunt fay ? furprifmg, 
 aunt ! not at all, for a young couple to make a match in 
 
 winter ? not at all It's a plot to undermine cold winter 
 
 weather ; and deftroy that uiurper of a bed called a warm- 
 ing-pan. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. I'm glad to hear you have fo much fire in 
 you, SirSampfon. 
 
 Ben. Mefs, I fear his f.re's little better than tinder; 
 siayhap it will only ferve to light up a match for fome 
 body elfe. The young woman's a handfome young wo- 
 man, I can't deny it : but, father, if I might be your 
 pilot in this cafe, you fliould not marry her. It's jufl the 
 lame thing, as if fo be you fliou'd fail fo faras the Straits 
 without provifion. 
 
 * Sir Samp. Who gave you authority to fpeak, firrah ? 
 to your element, fifh, be mute, fifti, and to fea ; rule 
 your helm, lirrah, don't diret me. 
 ' Ben. Well, well, take you care of your own helm , or 
 
 * you mayn't keep your new veflel fteady.' 
 
 Sir Samp. Why, you impudent tarpaulin! firrah, do 
 you break your forecaftle jefts upon your father ? But I 
 lhall be even with you, I won't give you a groat. Mr. 
 Buckram, is the conveyance fo worded that nothing can 
 poffibly defcend to this fcoundrel ? I wou'd not fo much as 
 have him have the profpecl: of an eftate ; though there
 
 'LOVE FOR LOVE. 91 
 
 fl*ere no way to come to it, but by the North-Eaft paf- 
 fage. 
 
 Buckr. Sir, it is drawn according to your directions ; 
 there is not the leaft cranny of the law unftopt. 
 
 Ben. Lawyer, I believe there's many a cranny and leak 
 
 unftopt in your confcience If fo be that one had a 
 
 pump to your bofom, I believe we ftiou'd difcover a foul 
 hold. They fay a witch will fail in a fieve But I be- 
 lieve the devil wou'd not venture aboard of your con- 
 fcience. And that's for you. 
 
 Sir Samp. Hold your tongue, firrah. How now, who's 
 here ? 
 
 Enter Tattle and Mrs. Frail. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. O lifter, the moft unlucky accident. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. What's the matter ? 
 
 Tat. O, the two moft unfortunate poor creatures in 
 the world we are. 
 
 Fore. Blefs us ! how fo ? 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Ah ! Mr. Tattle and I, [poor Mr. Tattle and 
 I are I can't fpeak it out. 
 
 Tat. Nor I But poor Mrs. Frail and I are 
 
 Mrs. Frail. Married. 
 
 Mrs. Fere. Married ! how ? 
 
 Tat. Suddenly before we knew where we were- 
 That villain Jeremy, by the help of difguifes, trickt us in- 
 to one another. 
 
 Fore. Why you told me juft now, you went hence in 
 hafte to be married. 
 
 Ang. But I believe Mr. Tattle meant the favour to me, 
 I thank him. 
 
 Tat. I did, as I hope to be faved, Madam ; my inten- 
 tions were good but this is the moft cruel thing, to 
 
 marry one does not know how, nor why, nor wherefore 
 
 the devil take me, if ever I was fo much concerned 
 
 at any thing in my life. 
 
 Ang. 'Tis very unhappy, if you don't care for one 
 another. 
 
 Tat. The leaft in the world that is for my part, I 
 
 fpeak for myfelf. Gad, I never had the leaft thought of 
 
 ferious kindnefs 1 never liked any body lefs in my life. 
 
 Poor woman ! gad, I'm furry for her too; for I have no 
 reafon to hate her neither ; but I believe I fhall lead her 
 a damn'd fort of a life. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 92 LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Mrs. Fore. He's better than no hufband at all tho 
 
 he's a Coxcomb. [To Frail. 
 
 : Mrs. frail [To her.] Ay, ay, it's well it's no worfe 
 nay, for my part I always defpifed Mr. Tattle of all things; 
 nothing but his being my hufband could have made me 
 like him lefs. 
 
 Tat. Look you there, I thought as much pox 
 
 on't, I wifh we cou'd keep it fecret, why I don't believe 
 any of this compaqy wou'd fpeak of it. 
 
 Ben. HarKce^ friend, if youfujpetf me, Til leave the 
 rt>o;n. 
 
 Mrs. Frail. But, my dear, that's impoffible ; the parfon 
 and that rogue Jeremy will pubHfh it. 
 
 Tat. Ay, my dear, fo they will, as you fay. 
 
 Ang. O, you'll agree very well in a little time ; cuftom 
 will make iteafy to you. 
 
 Tat. Eafy ! pox on't, I don't believe I fhall fleep to- 
 night. 
 
 Sir Samp. Sleep, quotha: no, why you xvould not fleep 
 o' your wedding night ? I'm aft older fellow than you, 
 and don't mean to fleep. 
 
 Ben. Why there's another match now, as thof a cou- 
 ple of privateers were looking for a prize, and fhould fall 
 foul of one another. I'm forry for the young man with 
 all my heart. Look you, friend, if I may advife you, 
 when (he's going, for that you muft especl:, I have expe- 
 rience of her ; when fhe's going, let her go ; for no ma- 
 trimony is tough enough to hold her ; and if ftie can't 
 drag her anchor along with her, (he'll break her cable, I 
 can tell you that. Who's here ? the madman ! 
 Enter Valentine and Scandal. 
 
 Vol. No ; here's the fool ; and if occafion be, I'll give 
 it under my hand. 
 
 Sir Samp. How now ? 
 
 Vol. Sir, I'm come to acknowledge my errors, and afk 
 your pardon. 
 
 Sir Samp. What, have you found your fenfes at laft 
 then ? in good time, Sir. 
 
 Vol. You were abufed, Sir, I never was diftracled. 
 
 Fore. How ! not mad ! Mr. Scandal. 
 
 Scan. No really, Sir ; I'm his vvitnefs, it was all coun- 
 terfeit. 
 
 Vol. I thought I had reafons but it was a poor con- 
 trivance ; the effect has fhtvvn it futh. 
 
 Sir
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. | 3 
 
 Sir Samp. Contrivance, what to cheat me ? to cheat 
 your father ! firrah, could you hope to profper ? 
 
 f^al. Indeed, I thought, Sir, when the father endea- 
 voured to undo the fon, it was a reafonable return of na- 
 ture. 
 
 Sir Samp. Very good, Sir Mr. Buckram, are you 
 
 ready ? come, Sir, will you fign and leal ? 
 
 Pal. If you pleafe, Sir j but firft I would aft this lady 
 one queftion. 
 
 Sir Samp. Sir, you muft aflc me leave firft ; that lady ? 
 No, Sir; you fhall afk that lady no queftions, 'till you 
 have aiked her bleffing, Sir; that lady is to be my 
 wife. 
 
 fal, I have heard as much, Sir ; but I wou'd have it 
 from her own mouth. 
 
 Sir Samp. That's as much as to fay, I lie, Sir, and you 
 don't believe what I fay. 
 
 Vol. Pardon me, Sir, but I reflect that I very lately 
 counterfeited madnefs ; I don't know but the frolick may 
 go round. 
 
 Sir Samp. Come, chuck, fatisfyhim, anfwerhim ; 
 
 come, come, Mr. Buckram, the pen and ink. 
 
 Ruckr. Here it is, Sir, with the deed, all is ready. 
 
 [Valentinegm to Angelica. 
 
 Aug. 'Tis true, you have a great while pretended love 
 to me ; nay, what if you were fincere ? Still you muft 
 pardon me, if I think my own inclinations have a better 
 right to difpofe of my perfon, than yours, 
 
 Kir Samp. Are you anfwer'd now, Sir ? 
 
 Val. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Samp. Where's your plot, Sir, and your contrivance 
 now, Sir ? Will you lign, Sir ? Come, will you fign and 
 feal? 
 
 Vain With all my heart, Sir. 
 
 Scan. 'Sdeath, you are not mad indeed, to ruin your- 
 felf? 
 
 F~al. I have been difappointed of my only hope; and 
 lie that lofes hope may part with any thing. I never 
 valued fortune, but as it was fubfervient to my pleafure ; 
 and my only pleafure was to pleafe this lady : I have 
 made many vain attempts, and find at laft that nothing 
 but my ruin can effect it ; which, for that reafon, I will 
 fign to Give me the paper. 
 
 Ang. Generous Valentine. [AJiat. 
 
 Eucfo-,
 
 94 , LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 . Euckr. Here is the deed, Sir. 
 
 Val. But where is the bond, by which I am obliged to 
 fign this ? 
 
 Buckr. Sir Sampfon, you have if. 
 
 Ang. No, I have it ; and I'll ufe it, as I wou'd every 
 thing -that is an enemy to Valentine. [Tears the paper. 
 
 Sir Samp. How now ! 
 
 Pal. Ha ! 
 
 Ang. Had I the world to give you, it cou'd not make 
 me worthy of fo generous and faithful a paffion : here's 
 my hand, my heart was always yours, and ftruggled very 
 hard to make this utmoft trial of your virtue. 
 
 [To Vslentine. 
 
 l r al. Between pleafure and amazement, I am loft But 
 on my knees I take the bleffing. 
 
 Sir Samp. Oons, what's the meaning of this ? 
 
 Ben. Mefs here's the wind changed again. Father, you 
 and I may make a voyage together now. 
 
 Ang. Well, Sir Sampfon, iince I have played you a 
 trick, I'll advife you how you may avoid fuch another. 
 JLearn to be a good father, or you'll never get a fecond 
 wife. I always loved your fon, and hated your unforgiv- 
 ing nature. * I was refolved to try him to the utmoft ; 
 * I have tried you too, and know you both. You have 
 ' not more faults than he has virtues;' snd it is hardly 
 more pleafure to me, that I can make him and myfelf 
 Jiappy, than that I can punifliyou. 
 
 Val. * If iny happlnefs cou'd receive addition, this kind 
 ' furprize wou'd make it double.' 
 
 SirSawp. Oon's, you're a crocodile. 
 
 Fore. Really, Sir Sampfcn, this is a fudden eclipfe. 
 
 Sir. Samp. You're an illiterate old fool, and I'm ano- 
 ther, thef.ars are liars, and if I bad breath, Vd curfe them 
 andyou, r,iyfelf and all the world: zounds, to be thus cull* J t 
 svornan boi/tl^ I han't patience. 
 
 Tat. If the gentleman is in diforder for want of a wife, 
 J canfparehim mine. 
 
 Sir amp. Confound you andyour ivife together ! [Exit. 
 ~^ett. Oil, are you there, Sir ? I'm indebted to you for 
 iriy hay-pin ". [To Jeremy. 
 
 Jei\ Sir, I afk you ten thoufand pardons, 'twas an ar- 
 rant mittake- You fee, Sir, my mailer was never 
 
 mad, nor any thing like it Then how could it be 
 
 otherwife ?
 
 LOVE FOR LOVE. 9 
 
 Vol. Tattle, I thank you, you would have interpofed 
 between me and heaveu ; but providence laid purgatory 
 in your way .You have but juftice. 
 
 * Scan. I hear the fiddles that Sir Sampfon provided for 
 
 * his own wedding ; methinks it is a pity they fhould not 
 
 * be employed, when the match is fo much mended. Val> 
 
 * though it be morning we may have a dance. 
 
 * Vol. Any thing, my friend, every thing that looks 
 
 * like joy and tranfporr. 
 
 * Scan. Call them, Jeremy. 
 
 ' Aug. I have done duTembling now, Valentine; and if 
 ' that coldneis, which I have always worn before you, 
 4 fliould turn to an extreme fonduefs, you muft not fufpedt 
 it. 
 
 * Val. I'll prevent that fufpicion for I intend to 
 ' love to that immoderate degree, that your fondnefs Hull 
 
 * never diftingaifli itfelf enough to be taken notice of. If 
 
 * ever you feem to love too much, it mull be only when I 
 
 * can't love enough. 
 
 * An$r. Have a care of promifes : you know you are 
 
 * apt to run more in debt tiian you are able to pay. 
 
 * fa!. Therefore I yield my body as yourprifoner, and 
 
 * make your beft on't. 
 
 * Scan. The mulick flays for you.* . \T)ancc. 
 Scan. Well, Madam, you have done exemplary juitice, 
 
 jn punifhing an inhuman father, and rewarding a faithful 
 lover : but there is a third good work, which I, in parti- 
 cular, mu it thank you for ; I was an infidel to your fex, 
 and you have converted me -For now I am convinced 
 that all women are not like fortune, blind in beftowing 
 favours, either on thofe who do nof merit, or who do not 
 want them. 
 
 Ang. ' Fis an unreafomble accufatioji, that you lay 
 upon our fex : you tax us with injuftice, only to cover 
 your own want of merit. ' You would all have thereward 
 of love ; but few have the conftancy to ft ay till it be- 
 comes your clue. Men are generally hypocrites and in- 
 fidels ; they pretend to worfhip, but have neither zeal 
 njr faith :' how few, like Valentine, would ' perfevere 
 even to martyrdom, and' facriftce their intereft to their 
 conftancy ! In admiring me, you mifplace the novelty, 
 Themirac!" ^-'jayis, that we find 
 A lover true : r.ot that a woman's ki'nd. 
 
 E P I-
 
 C 96 ] 
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Spoken at the Opening of the New Houfe. 
 By Mrs. BRACEGIRDLE. 
 
 C[URE prwtder.ee atfrjl defend this place 
 *-* To be the player's refuge in d:ftrefi j 
 For ftiUin every jlorm, they all run hither, 
 jls to a Jhed, thatjhields them from the weather. 
 But thinking of this change which loft bcfel ns, 
 Iff like ivbat I have beard our fcets tell us : 
 For wber. behind turfcenes, their fui's are pleading. 
 To help their love, fometimes they fl;cw their reading J 
 A' d -wanting ready cajb to pay for hearts, 
 Ttity top their learning en us, and their parts. 
 Once cf philcf'.pl'ers they told us Dories, . . 
 
 Wbtm, as I'tlixk, they called PyPytbagorics, 
 
 Tmfure 'tis feme fucb Latin fame they ^i-oe 'em, 
 
 Andiae, <who know no better, muft believe 'em. 
 
 Nc<u> to thefe men (fay they ) fucb fouls ivere giv' t 
 
 That after death ne'er went to hell, nor bea'v'n, 
 
 But liv'd, I know not bow, in beafls ; and then 
 
 When many years ivere peft, in men again. 
 
 Mcthinks, lue play'rs refemble fucb afoul, 
 
 lhat dees from bodies, ivt from bcufes firoU, 
 
 Thus Arijlotle's foul, of eld that iuas, 
 
 May now be damn'd to animate an afs -, 
 
 Or in this very boufe, for ought tve kr.oiv, 
 
 It doing pairful penance in fame beau : 
 
 jind thus, cur audienci, which did ence refort 
 
 To fliir.ing theatres to fee our f port, 
 
 Kowfndus tofs'd into a Terms- Court, 
 
 Theft walls but t'other day were fir d ivith noife 
 
 Of roai ing gamefters, and your damme: boys ; 
 
 Ibsn bounding 'balls art! rackets they enecmfajt, 
 
 Jlndntnv they 're Jill' d ta,t h jefts and fights, andbonilaft ! 
 
 J vo<u>, I don't muchlike thh tranfmigral'i9tt t 
 
 Strolling from place tt place, Ly circulation. 
 
 Grant, bea-v'n, tve don't return to ourjirftjla;::r, 
 
 J k now not ivbat tbefe think, Lut for my part, 
 
 I can't rejieft -without an atir,g heart, 
 
 Hew ivejhwd end in our original, a cart. 
 
 But we can't fear, Jtnce you're f goad to fave us, 
 
 That you have only Jet us up, to leave us. 
 
 Thus from tbepafl, ive hope for future grace t 
 
 I beg it 
 
 Ar.d feme here knitv I have a I 'egging face* 
 Tbcn pray centime ibis your kind behaviour, 
 Ftr a clear ft age won't da, without ywr fa-vw.
 
 THE CAREL.ESS HCTSBAITD 
 
 '
 
 B E L L^S EDITION. 
 THE 
 
 CARELESS HUSBAND-, 
 
 A C O M E D Y, 
 
 As written by COLLET CIS BE R* Efo 
 
 VARIATIONS OF THE THEATRE, 
 
 AS PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 in SDju 
 
 Regulated fro:n ihs Prompt-Book, 
 
 By PERMISSION of the MANAGERS, 
 
 By Mr. HOPKINS, Frontier. 
 
 Yet nine Sir Fopling, Him or Him can call : 
 He's Ktiigbt ttb' Sb're, and represents yw el!* 
 
 PROL. 
 Qui capit, illc fiicit. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for JOHN BELL, near Extter- Exchange*, in the Strand 
 and C. ETK i R IN CTON, at Yntk* 
 
 MDCCLXXVlti
 
 [ 3 I 
 
 To the mofl Illuftrious 
 
 J H N 
 
 DUKE of ARGYLL. 
 
 THIS play, at laft, through many difficulties, has made 
 way to throw itfelf at your Grace's feet : and con- 
 fidering what well-meant attempts were made to intercept 
 it in its courfe to fo great an honour, I have had reafon not 
 to think it intirely fuccefsful, tiil (where my ambition al- 
 ways defigned it) I found itfafe in your protection : which 
 when feveral means had failed of making it lefs worthy of, 
 the fpleen ended with the old good-nature that was offered 
 to my firll play, viz. that it was none of my own : bat 
 that's a praiie I have indeed fome reafon to be proud of, 
 fi nee your Grace, from evincing circumftances, is able to 
 divide the malice from the compliment. 
 
 The bed critics have long and juftly complained, that 
 the coarfenefs of moil charsclers in our hue ccmed-es, 
 have been unfit entertainments for people of quality, efpe- 
 ciaily the ladits : and tbrrefore I was long in hopes that 
 fo;i:e able pen (whole expectations did not hang upon the 
 profits of i'uccefs) would generoufly attempt to reform the 
 town into a better taile than the world geneially allows 
 thnn : but nothing of that kind having lately appeared, 
 that would give me an opportunity of being wife at ano- 
 ther's exptnce, I found it impollibleany longer to refill the 
 fecret temptation of my vanity, and fo even {truck the firft 
 b,-;w inyfelf : and the event has now convinced me, that 
 whoever fticks clofely to nature, can't eaiily write above 
 the under landing or the galleries, though at the fame 
 time he may poffibly deferveapplaufe of the boxes. 
 
 This play, before its trial on the ftage, was examined by 
 
 feveral people of quality, thatcarae into your Grace's opi- 
 
 A 2 11.011
 
 [ 4 I 
 
 monof its being ajuft, a proper and diverting attempt in- 
 comedy ; but few of them carried the compliment beyond 
 their private approbation : for when I was wifliing fora 
 little farther hope, they ftopp'd ihort of your Grace's pe- 
 netration, and only kindly wifiied me what they feemed to 
 fear, and you allured me of, a general fucceis. 
 
 But your Grace has been pleafed, not only to encourage 
 me with your judgment ; but have likewife, by your fa- 
 vourable influence in the bounties that were railed for me 
 the third and fixrh day, defended me againft any hazards 
 of an entire disappointment from fo bold an undertaking : 
 and therefore, whatever the world may think of me, as 
 one they call a poet, yet I am confident, as your Grace 
 understands me, I fluill not want your belief, when I af- 
 fure you, that this dedication is the refult of a profound 
 acknowledgment, an artlefs inclination, proudly glad and 
 grateful. 
 
 And if the dialogue of the following fcenes flows with 
 moreeafy turn of thought and fpirit, "than what I have 
 ufually produced ; I Ihall not yet blame fome people for 
 faying 'tis not my own, unlefs they knew at the fame time 
 I owe moft of it to the many ftolen obfervations I have 
 made from your Grace's manner of converfmg. 
 
 And if ever the influence of your Grace's more fhining 
 qualities fliould peifuade me to attempt a tragedy, I fliall 
 then, .with the fame freedom, borrow all the ornamental 
 virtues of my hero, where now I only am indebted for 
 part of the fine gentleman. Greatnefs of birth and mind, 
 fweetnefs of temper, flowing from the fixt and native prin- 
 ciples of courage and of honour, are beauties that I referve 
 fora farther opportunity of expreiling the zeal and grati- 
 tude of, 
 
 My Lord, 
 
 Dec. i . Your Grace's moft obedient, 
 
 1704. 
 
 Mcfl obliged and humble fervant, 
 
 COLLEY GIBBER. 
 PRO-
 
 [ 5 ] 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 f~\ F all the various vices of the age, 
 
 Andjhoals of fools exp;s'd upon the ftage, 
 How ffvj are Jajht that call for fatire's rage ! 
 What can you think to fee our plays fo full 
 Of madmen, coxcombs, and the Jrivilixffoolt 
 Of cits, tfjbarpeis, rakes, and roaring bullies, 
 Of cheats, of cuckolds, aldermen and cullies'? 
 Wotid not onef'Mcar, 'twere taken for a rule, 
 
 That fa tire's rod in the dramatick fcbool, I 
 
 fy as only meant fur the incorrigible fool ? 
 As if too vice and folly ivcre confined 
 To the vile (cum alone of human kind, ' 
 Creatures a mufefyou'dfcorn ; juch abjeEl traf!} 
 Defer-'Jcs nntfattre's, but the hangman's lajh. 
 Wretches fo fa>- J}}ut out from fcnfe ofjhams, -^ 
 
 Ncivgafe or Kallam only Jhoiid reclahn ; J, 
 
 Forjalire ne^cr ivas meant to make ivi/d tnonjlers tame. j 
 
 U'e Bather think the pc>- fans fit for plays, 
 Are wey ivkofe birth and education fays 
 Tl'cv'i'e et'ciy help that Jhoidd improve mankind, 
 ~]'( ' /fill I!-~'rflaves to a vile tainted mind ; 
 Such as in vjit are often feen t 1 abound, ~\ 
 
 Andyct havefome vjcak part, where folly's found : 
 
 For follies fpr out like "Meeds, highefl in fruitful ground. j 
 And 'tis ob(erv*J, the garden of the mind -| 
 
 To no infejlive need's fo much inclined, C 
 
 As the rank pride that fame, from afj'cflationjind* J 
 
 A folly too well kno^n to make its court 
 U r ith mojlfucccfs among the better fort. 
 Such arc the perfons ive to-day provide, 
 And nature's fools for once arc laid a/i'c. 
 7 his is the ground on ivbicb our play we build; 
 But in the ftrucfure muft to. judgment yield : 
 And ivberc the poet fails in art, or care, 
 We hegyuur wonted mercy to the player. 
 
 A 3 Dramati*
 
 C 6 ] 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 M E N. 
 
 Drury-Lane. Covent-Garden. 
 
 Lord Morelove, Mr. Jefferfon. Mr. Mattocks. 
 
 Lord foppington, IMr. Dcdd. Mr. Woodward. 
 
 SaCbarhs Eafr, Mr. Reddifh. Mr. Rofs. 
 
 W O M E N. 
 
 Lady Betty Modifi, Mrs. Abington. Mifs Macklin. 
 
 Lady Ea/y, ' Mils Younge. Mrs. V, urd. 
 
 Lady Graveairs, Mrs. Reddiih. Mrs. Vincent. 
 
 Mrs. Edging, Wo- 
 man to Lady 
 
 Eafr, Mifs Pope. Mrs. Green. 
 
 SCENE, Wlndfor. 
 
 THE
 
 [ 7 ] 
 
 THE 
 
 CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 %* The linn dijlinguijbed by inverted comas, ' thus? are omitted in tl t 
 refnftntathn. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE, Sir Charles Eafy'.? Lodgings. 
 Enter Lady Eafy alone. 
 
 LADY EASY. 
 
 WAS ever woman's i'pirit, by an injurious hufband, 
 broke like mine? A vile, licentious man! inuft 
 he bring home his follies too ? Wrong me with my very 
 fervant ! O ! how tedious a relief is patience ! and yet 
 in my condition 'tis the only remedy : for to reproach 
 him with my wrongs, is taking on mylelf the means of a 
 redrefs, bidding defiance to his fallV.ood, and naturally 
 but provokes him to undo me. The uneafy thought of 
 my continual jealoufy may teize him to a fixt averlion ; 
 and hitherto, though he neglects, I cannot think he hates 
 me. - It mull be fo: fince I want power to pleufe him, he 
 never (hall upbraid me with an attempt of making him 
 uneafy My eyes and tongue fliall yet be blind and ulent 
 to my wrongs , nor would I have him think my virtue 
 could fufpedt him, till by fome grofs, apparent proof of 
 his mifdoing, he forces me to fee and to forgive it. 
 Enter Edging kaftlly. 
 
 Edg. O madam ! 
 
 L. Eafy. What's the matter ? 
 
 Ef/g. I have the ftrangeft thing to flievvyour LaJyfliip 
 
 - .1 fuch a difcovery 
 
 2 L. Eajy.
 
 8 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 L. Eafy. You are refolved to make it without much 
 ceremony, I find. What's the bufmefs, pray ? 
 
 EJg. The bufinefs. Madam, I have not patience to 
 tell you ; I am out of breath at the very thoughts on't ; 
 I fhall not be able to fpeak this half hour. 
 
 L. Eajy. Not to the purpole, I believe ! but methinks 
 you talk impertinently with a groat deal of eafe. 
 
 Edg. Nay, Madam, perhaps not fo impertinent as 
 your Ladyihip thinks ; there ss that will ipeak to the. 
 purpofe, I am fure A bafe man [Gives a Letter. 
 
 L. Eajy. What is this ? An open letter ! Whence 
 comes it ? 
 
 Edg. Nay, read it, Madam, you will foon guefs 
 If theie are the tricks of hufbands, keep me a maid itill, 
 fay I. 
 
 L,. Eajy. [Looking on the fuperfcrtptlon ] To Sir Charles 
 Eafy ! Ha ! Too well I know this hateful hand. -O my 
 heart ; but I mult veil my jealoufy, which 'tis not fit 
 this creature fliould fuppofe I am acquainted with. \_Ajide] 
 This direction is to your mailer, how came you by it ? 
 
 Edg. Why, Mad'am, as my matter was lying down, 
 after he came in from hunting, he fent me into his dref- 
 iing-room to fetch his fnurf-box out of his waiiK oat-poc- 
 ket, and fo as I was fearching for the box, m.uinm, there 
 I found this wicked letter from a miftrefs ; which I had 
 nofooner read, but, I declare it, my very blood roie at 
 him again ; methought I could have torn him and her to 
 pieces. 
 
 L. Eajy. Intolerable ! This odious thing's jealous of 
 him herielf, and wants me to join with her in a revenge 
 upon him Sure I am fallen, indeed ! But 'twere to make 
 me lower yet, to let her think I underftand her. \Afde. 
 
 Edg. Nay, pray, Madam, read it, you will be out of 
 patience at it. 
 
 L. Eajy. You are bold, miftrefs; has my indulgence, 
 or your matter's good humour, flattered you into the aflu- 
 rance of reading his letters ? a liberty I never gave my- 
 felf Here - lay it where you had it immediately fhould 
 he know of your faucinefs, 'twould not be my favour 
 could protect you. \Exit L. Eafy. 
 
 Edg. Your favour ! marry come up ! Sure I don't de- 
 pend upon your favour ! it's not come to that, I hope. 
 
 Poo?
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 9 
 
 Poor creature don't you think I am my mailer's mif- 
 trefs for nothing You fhall find, Madam, I won't be 
 fnapt up as I have been Not but it vexes me to think flie 
 mould not be as uneafy as I. I am fure he is a bafe man 
 to me, and I could cry my eyes out that (he fhould not 
 think him as bad to her every jot. If I am wronged, 
 fure flie may very well expect it, that is but his wiie A 
 conceited thing flie need not be fo eafy, neither I 
 am as handfome as flie, I hope Here's my m after I'll 
 try whether I am to be hufPd by her or no. \W~alks behind. 
 Enter Sir Charles Eafy. 
 
 Sir Cha. So ! The day is come again ! Lite but rifes 
 to another ftage, and the fame dull journey is before us. 
 How like children do we judge of happiuefs ! When I 
 was Hinted in my fortune, altnoft every thing was a plea- 
 lure to me, becaufe moft things then being out of my 
 reach, I hud always the pleafure ot hoping for them ; 
 now fortune's in mv hand, ihe is as infipid as an old ac- 
 quaintance It is mighty filly faith, Juft the fame thing 
 by my wife, too ; I am told flie is extremely handfome 
 nay, and have heard a great many people fay flie is cer- 
 tainly the beft woman in the world Why, I don't know 
 but fhe may, yet I eould never find that her perfon or 
 good qualities gave me any concern In my eye the wo- 
 man has no more charms than my mother. 
 
 Edg. Hum ! he takes no notice of me yet I'll let 
 him lee, I can take as little notice of him. {She walks 
 by him gravely, be turns her about and holds her, Jhe 
 firugvles} Pray, Sir! 
 
 Hir Cha. A pretty pert air, thatTil humour it--- 
 What's the matter, child? Are not you well ? Kifs me, 
 huffy. 
 
 EJg. No, the deuce fetch me if I do. 
 
 Sir Cha. Has any thing put thee out of humour, 
 love ? 
 
 Etlg. No, Sir, 'tis riot worth my being out of humour 
 at'--tho' if ever you have any thing to lay to me again, 
 I'll be burned, 
 
 Sir Cha. Somebody has belied me to thee. 
 
 EJg. No, Sir, 'tis you have belied yourfelf to me 
 Did not I a(k you when you firll made a fool of me, if 
 you would be always conilant to me; aad did not you fay, 
 
 I might
 
 io THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 I might be fure you would ? And here, inftead of thaf r 
 you are going on in your old intrigue with my Lady 
 Graveairs. 
 
 SirCba. So 
 
 EJg. Belide, don't you fuffer my lady to huff me every 
 day as if I were her dog, or had no more concern with 
 you I declare I won't bear it, and flie (han't think to 
 huff me foraugTit I know I am as agreeable as flie : and 
 tho' me dares not take any notice of your bafenefs to her, 
 you fhan't think to uie me fo---and fo pray take your nalty 
 letter---! know the hand well enough -for my part I 
 won't ftay in the family to be abufed at this rate : I that 
 have refilled lords and dukes for your fake ; I'd have you 
 to know, Sir, I have had as many blue and green ribbons 
 after me, for aught I know, as would have made me a 
 falbala apron. 
 
 SirCba. My Lady Graveairs ! my nafty letter! and I 
 won't flay in the family ! Death ! I'm in a pretty con- 
 dition ! What an unlimited privilege has this jade got 
 from being a whore ? 
 
 Edg. I luppofe, Sir, you think to ufe every body as 
 you do your wife. 
 
 Sir Cba. My wife, hah ! Come hither, Mrs. Edging ; 
 hark you, drab. [Seizing her ly tbejbouhler. 
 
 Edg. Oh! 
 
 Sir Cba. When you fpeak of my wife, you are to fny 
 your Lady, and you are never to fpeak of your lady to 
 me in any regard of her being my wife ---for 'look you, 
 child, you are not her {trumpet, but mine, therefore I 
 only give you leave to be fancy with me. -In the next 
 place, you are never to fuppofe thers is any fuch perfon 
 as my Lady Graveairs ; and laftly, my pretty one, -how 
 came you by this lettei?? 
 
 Ectg. It's no matter, perhaps. 
 
 Kir Cba. Aye, but if you mould not tell me quickly* 
 how are you fure I won't take a great piece of fl-ih out 
 of your fhoulder ?---My dear. [Sfiakes her.. 
 
 EJg. Olud! O lud! I will tell you, Sir. 
 
 Sir Cba, Quickly then 
 
 EJg. Oh ! I took it out of your pocket, Sir. 
 When?
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. n 
 
 Edg. Oh ! this morning, when you fent me for your 
 .fnuff-box. 
 
 Sir Cha. And your Ladyfliip's pretty curiofity has look- 
 ed it over, I prefume ha [Again. 
 
 Edg. O lud ! dear Sir, don't be angry indeed I'll 
 never touch one again. 
 
 Sir Cha, I don't believe you will, and I'll tell you how 
 you (hall be lure you never will. 
 
 Edg. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Cba. By ftedfaftly believing that the next time you 
 affer it, you will have your pretty white neck twifled be- 
 liind you. 
 
 Edg. Yes, Sir. \pitrt Jyng. 
 
 Sir Cba. And you will be fure to remember every thing 
 I have faid to you ? 
 
 Edg. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Cba. And now, child, I was not angry with your 
 perfon, but your follies ; which, fince I find you are a 
 liule fenfible of- don't be wholly 7 difcouraged for I be- 
 lieve I 1 fliall haveoccafion (or you again . 
 
 Eetg. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Cba. In the mean time let me hear no more of your 
 lady, child. 
 
 Edg. No, Sir. 
 
 Sir Cba. Here {he comes : begone. 
 
 Edg. Yes, Sir Oh ! I was never fo frightened in my 
 life. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Cba. So ! good difcipline makes good foldiers It 
 often puzzles me to think, from my own careleflhefs, and 
 my wife's continual good humour, whether flie really 
 knows any thing of the ttrength of my forces I'll fitt 
 her a little. 
 
 F.rter Lady Eafy. 
 
 My dear, how do you do ? You are dreflcd very early to- 
 day : are you going out ? 
 
 L. Eajy. Only to church, my dear. 
 
 Sir Cha. Is it fo late then ? 
 
 L. Eafy. The bell has juft rung. 
 
 Sir Cha. Well, child, how does Windfor air agree 
 with you ? Do you find yeurfelf any better yet ? or have 
 you a mind to go to Lojidon again ? 
 
 L. Eafr.
 
 M THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 L. Eajy. No, indeed, my dear ; the air is fo very 
 pleafanr, that if it were a place of lefs company, I could 
 be content to end my days here. 
 
 Sir Cba. IVythee, my dear, what fort of company 
 would mod pleafe yen ? 
 
 L. Eafy. When bufinefs would permit ir, yours ; and 
 in your abfence a fincere friend, that were truly happy 
 in an honeft hufoand, to fit a chearful hour, and talk, in 
 mutual praife of our condition. 
 . Sir Cba. Are you then really very happy, my dear ? 
 
 L. Eajy. Why ihould you queition it f [Smiling on him. 
 
 Sir Cha. Becaufe I fancy 1 am not fo good to you as I 
 fhould be. 
 
 L. Eajy. Pfhaw, 
 
 Sir Cba. Nay, the deuce take me if I don't really con- 
 fefsmytelf fobad, that I have often wondered how any 
 woman of your lenfe, rank, and perfpn, could think it 
 worth her while to havefo many uieleis good qualities, 
 
 L. Eajy. Fie, my dear. 
 
 Sir Cba. By my foul, I am ferious. 
 
 L. Eajy. I cannot boaft of my good qualities, nor if I 
 could, do I believe you think thtm ufelefs. 
 
 Sir Cha. Nay, I fubmit to you Don't you find them 
 fo? Do you perceive that I am one tittle the better hulband 
 for your being fo good a wife ? 
 
 L. Eajy. Pihaw ! you jeft with me. 
 
 Sir Cba. Upon my life I don't Tell me truly, was 
 you never jealous of me? 
 
 L. Eafy. Did I ever give you any fignxjf it ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Urn that's true but do you really think I 
 never gave you occafion ? 
 
 L. Eaty. That's an odd queftion but fuppofe you 
 had? 
 
 Sir Cba. Why then, what good has your virtue done 
 you, fince all the good qualities of it could not keep me 
 toyouvfelf? 
 
 L. Eafy. What occalit.n have you given me to fup- 
 pofe I hu.c rot kept you to mvielf ? 
 
 .7. I given you occaRon He! my dear you 
 
 "ire-- 1 look you that : .s rut the thing, but 
 
 ftill a (death what a blunder have I made) a it ill, I 
 
 fay, Madam, you {han't make me believe you have never 
 
 been
 
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. rj 
 
 been jealous of me ; not that you ever had any real 
 caufe, but I know women of your principles have mom 
 pride than thofe that have no principles at all ; and where 
 there is pride, there muft be Ibme jealoufy fo that if 
 you are jealous, my dear, you know you wrong me, 
 and 
 
 L. Eajfc, .Vhy then, upon my wo>d, my dear, I don't 
 know that ever I w> jged )ou that way in my life. 
 
 Sir Cba. But fu| ; ,e 1 had given a real caule to be 
 jealous, how would ou do then ? 
 
 L. Eaf\\ It mull be a very fubitantial one that makes 
 me jealous. 
 
 Sir Cba. Say ic were' a fubfbntial one ; fuppofe now I 
 were well with a woman of your own acquaintance, that, 
 under pretence of frequent vifits to you, fhould only 
 come to carry on an nifatr with me iuppofe now my 
 ^[ady Graveairs *Vid 1 were great ? 
 
 L. Eajy. Would I could not fuppofe it* [^<fr. 
 
 Sir Cba. Jf I come off here I believe I am pretty fafc. 
 \_Afidc , .] Suppofe, I lay, my Lady and I were fovery fa- 
 miliar, that not only yourfelf, but half the town fhouUt 
 fee it ? 
 
 L. Eajy. Then I fhould cry myfelf fick in feme dark 
 
 clofet, and forget my tears when you fpoke kindly to me. 
 
 Sir Cba. The moft convenient piece of virtue fure that 
 
 ever wile was miftrefs of, \_Afide. 
 
 L. Eafyi. But pr?.y, my dear, did you ever think 
 
 that I had any ill thoughts of my Lady Graveairs ? 
 
 Sir Cba, O fie ! child ; only you know fhe and I ufe<f 
 to be a little free fometimes, fo I had a mind to fee if yoi 
 thought there was any harm iu it ; but lince I find you 
 very eafy, I think myfelf obliged to tell you, that upon 
 my foul, my dear, I have fo little regard to her perion, 
 that the deuce take me, if I would not as foon have an affair 
 with thy woman. 
 
 L. Ea(y. Indeed, my dear, I fhould as foon fufpecl: 
 you with one as t'other. 
 
 Sir Cba. Poor dear fhouldtt thou give me akifs. 
 L. Eafy. Pfliaw ! you don't care to kifs me. 
 
 Sir Cba. By my foul, I do 1 wiih I may die, if 
 
 I don't think you a very fine woman. 
 
 I,. Eajy. I only wifh you would think me a good 
 B wile.
 
 *4 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 wife. [KiJ/es ber.~\ But pray, my dear, what has made 
 you fo ftrangely inquifitive ? 
 
 Sir Cha, Inquifitive Why a I don't know, one is 
 always laying one foolifh thing or another Toll le roll. 
 [Sings and talks. ,] My dear, what ! are we never to have 
 any ball here ! Tol le roll. I fancy I could recover my 
 dancing again, if I would but praclife. Toll loll loll ! 
 
 L. Eafy. This excefs of careleflhefs to me excufes half 
 his vices. If I can make him once think fcrioufly 
 lime yet may be my friend. 
 
 Enter a Servant, 
 
 S<rv. Sir, Lord Morelove gives his fervice 
 
 Sir Cha. Lord MoreJove ? where is he ? 
 
 'Serv. At the Chocolate-houfe ; -he called me to him as 
 I went by, and bid me tell your honour he'il wait upon 
 you prefently. 
 
 L. Eajy. I thought you had not expected him here 
 again this feafon, my dear. 
 
 Sir Cha. I thought fo too, but you fee there's no de- 
 pending upon the resolution of a man that's hi love. 
 
 L. Eafy. Is there a chair ? 
 
 Kerv. Yes, Madam. [Exit Servant. 
 
 L. Eajy. I fuppofe Lady Betty Modifh has drawn him 
 hither. 
 
 Sir Cha. Aye, poor foul, for all his bravery, I am 
 afraid fo. 
 
 L. Eafy. Well, my dear, I han't time to ajk my Lord 
 .how he does now ; you'll excuie me to him, but I hope 
 you'll make him dine with us. 
 
 Sir Cha. I'll afk him. If you fee Lady Betty at pray- 
 ers, make her dine too, but don't take any notice of my 
 Lord's being in town. 
 
 L. Eajy. Very well ! if I mould not meet her there, 
 I'll call at her lod'gings. 
 
 Sir Cha. Do fo. 
 
 L. EJy. My dear, your fervant. [Exit L. Eafy. 
 
 Sir Cha, My dear, I'm yours. Well ! one way or 
 
 other this woman will certainly bring about her bufinefs 
 with me at iait ; for though fhe cannot make me happy 
 in her own per ion, fhe lets me be fo intolerably ealy 
 with the women that can, that fhe has at leair, brought 
 me into a fair way of being as weary of them too. 
 
 2 Enter
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 15 
 
 Enter Servant and Lord Morelove. 
 
 Sfrv. Sir, my Lord's come. 
 
 L. Mor. Dear Charles ! 
 
 Sir Lba. My dear Lord ! this is an happinefs undreamt 
 of; I little thought to have fcen you at Windibr again 
 this llafon ! 1 concluded; or courfe, that books and fo- 
 litude had fecuredyou 'tilhvinier. 
 
 L. M.ir. Nay, I did not think of coming myfelf, bus 
 I found myfelf not very well in London, fo I thought 
 a little hunting, and this air 
 
 SirCha. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 L. Mo>-. What do you laugh at ? 
 
 S/V Cba. Only becaufe you fhould not go on with your 
 ftory : If you did but fee how filly a man tumbles for an 
 excufe, when he is a little afrumed of being in Icve, you 
 would not wonder what I laugh at ; ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 L. Mor. Thou art a very happy Fellow nothing 
 
 touches thee always eafy Then you conclude I follow 
 Lady Betty again. 
 
 &ir Cba. Yes, faith do I : and, to make you eafy, my 
 Lord, I cannot fee why a man that can ride fifty miles 
 after a poor flag, fhould be afliamed of running twenty iu 
 chafe of a fine woman, that, in all probability, willfho\r 
 him fo much the better fport too. [Embracing. 
 
 L. Mor. Dear Charles, don't flatter my diftemper, I 
 own I ftill follow her : do you think her charms have 
 power to excufe me to the world ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Aye ! aye ! a fine woman's an excufe for any- 
 thing, ' and the fcandal of our being in jeft, is a je'ft it- 
 ' fell;' we are all forced to be their fools, before we can 
 be their favourites. 
 
 L. Mor. You are willing to give me hope ; but I can't 
 believe flie has the leaft degree of inclination forme. 
 
 Sir Cha. I don't know that I am fure her pride likes 
 you, and that's generally your fine ladies darling paffion. 
 
 L. Mor. Do you fuppofe if I could grow indifferent, it 
 would touch her ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Sting her to the heart Will you take my 
 
 advice ? 
 
 L. Mor. I have no relief but that. Had I not thee now 
 and then to talk an hour, my life were infupportabie. 
 
 Sir Cba. I am forry for that, my Lord j but mind 
 B 2 what
 
 16 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 whfct I fay to you But hold, fail let me know the parti- 
 culars of you" late quarrel with her. 
 
 L. Mor. Why, about theree weeks ago, when I was 
 laft here at \Viudfbr, fhe had for iome days treated me 
 with a little more refer.'., and another with more tretdom 
 than I found myfelf eai at. 
 
 Sir Cba. Who was tha: other ! 
 
 L. Mor. One of my Lord Foppington's gang. 1 the 
 e pert coxcomb that's juft come to a firjall eitate and a 
 ' great periwig.' he that lings himfelt among the wo- 
 men What do you call him He won't fpeak to a com- 
 moner when a lord is in company ' you always fee him 
 
 * with a cane dangling at his button, his breatt ope'-, no 
 
 * gloves, one eye tucked under his^ hat, and a too: 
 
 Startup, that's his name. 
 
 Sir Cba. O ! I have met him in a vifit bu: pray 
 
 go on. 
 
 L. l.Ior. So, difputing with her about the conduct of 
 women, I took the liberty to tell her how far I thought 
 flie erred in hers ; fhe told me I was rude, and that fhe 
 would never believe any man could love a woman that 
 thought her in the wrong in any thing fne had a mind to, 
 at ieait if he dr. red to tell her fo This provoked me into 
 her whole character, with fo much fpirit and civil malice, 
 as I have feen her bellow upon a woman of true beauty, 
 when the men fint toafted her; fo in the middle of my 
 wifdom, fhe told me, fhe defned to be alone, that I would 
 la AC my odious proud heart along with me, and trouble 
 
 her no more 1 bowed very low, and as I left the 
 
 room, vowed I never would, and that my proud heart 
 fliould never be humbled by the outiide of a fine woman 
 ^About an hour after, I whipped into my chaife for 
 London, and have never feen her fince. 
 
 Sir Cba. Very well, and how did you find your proud 
 heart by that time you got to Hounflow ? 
 
 L. Mor. I am almoft afhamed to tell you I found her 
 fo much in the right, that I curfed my pride tor contra- 
 dicting her at all, and began to think, according to her 
 maxim, that no woman could be in the wrong to a man 
 chat flic had in her power. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ha ! ha ! Well, I'll tell you what you fhall do. 
 You can fee her without trembling, 1 hope. 
 
 L. Mare.
 
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 17 
 
 L. Mor. Not if flie receives me well. 
 
 Sir Cba. If flie receives you well, you will have no 
 occafion tor what I am going to fay to you firtt you fhall 
 dine with her. 
 
 L. Mor. How ! where ! when ! 
 
 Sir Cba. Here! here! at two o'clock. 
 
 L. Mor. Dear Charles ! 
 
 Sir Cha. My wife is gone to invite her ; when you fee 
 her fir it, be neither too humble nor too ftubborn ; let her 
 fee, by the eafe in your behavionr, you are ftill pleafed 
 in being near her, while fbe is upon reafonable terms 
 with you. This will either open the door of an eclair- 
 ciffhuent, or quite (hut it againlt you and if fhe is ilill 
 rdolved to kt;ep you out 
 
 L. Mor. Nay, if fhe infults me, then, perhaps, I 
 may recover pride enough to rally her by an over-acted 
 fubinillion. 
 
 Sir. Cba. Why, you improve, my Lord ; this is the 
 very thing I was going to propoie to yon. 
 
 L. Jl/jr. Was it, faith ! hark you, dare you (land by 
 me ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Dare I ! aye, to my laft drop of affurance, 
 a gain ft all the infolent airs of the proudeft beauty in 
 Chriilendum. 
 
 L. Mor. Nay, then defiance to her We two Thou, 
 halt infpired me I find myfelf as valiant as a flattered 
 coward. 
 
 Sir Cba. Courage, my Lord I'll warrant we beat her. 
 
 L. A.W. My blood itirs at the very thought ou't : I 
 long to be engaged. 
 
 Sir Cha., She will certainly give ground, when flic 
 once fees you aie thoroughly provoked. 
 
 L. Mor. Dear Charles, thou art a friend indeed. 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Scrv. Sir, my Lord Foppington gives his fervice, and 
 if your Honour's at leifure, he'll wait on you as foon as 
 he is drefTed. 
 
 L. M.r. Lord Foppington ! Is he in town ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Yes I htrard lait night he was come. Give 
 
 my fervice to his Lordiliip, and tell him I Ihould be glad 
 
 lie will do me the honour of his company here at dinr 
 
 B 3 ncr.
 
 ,8 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 ner. [Exit Seri>.~] We may have occafion for him in our 
 delign upon Lady Betty. 
 
 L. fttpr. What ufe can we make of him ? 
 f-'-r Cba. We'll fee when he comes ; at leaft there is no 
 dan/er in him ; but I fuppofe you know he is your 
 rival. 
 
 L. Mor. Pfiiaw ! a coxcomb. 
 
 Sir Cba. Nay, don't ciefpife him neither he is able 
 to give you advice ; for though he is in love with the 
 fame woman, yet to him (he has not charms enough to 
 give a minute's pain. 
 
 L. JM>r. Pr'ythee, what fenfe has he of love ? 
 Sir Cva. Faith very near as much as a man of fenfe 
 ought to have ; I grant you he knows not how to value a 
 woman truly deferving, but he has a pretty juft efteem 
 for moit ladies about town, 
 
 /,. 3fjr. That he follo\, I grant you for he fek'om 
 vifusany of extraordinary reputation. 
 
 Sir Cba. Have a care, I have feen him at Lady Betty 
 Modifh's. 
 
 L. Mi-r. To be hughe j at. 
 
 Sir Cba. Don't be too confident of that ; the women 
 row begin to laugh with him, not at him : for he really 
 fometimes rallies his own humour with ib much eafe and 
 pleafantry, that a great many women begin to think he 
 has no foll'es at all, and thofe he has, have been as much 
 owing to his youth, and a great eftate, as want of natural 
 wit : 'tis true, he often is a bubble to his pleafures, but 
 he has always been wifely vain enough to keep himfelf 
 from being too much the ladies humble fervant in love. 
 L. Mar. There, indeed, I almoit envy him. 
 Sir Cba. The eafinefs of his opinion upon the fex, will 
 go near to pique you We muft have him. 
 
 L. Mar. As you pleafe but what (hall we do with 
 rurfelves till dinner ? 
 
 Sir Cba. What think you of a party at picquet ? 
 L. M;>r. O ! you are too hard for me. 
 Sir Cba. Fie ! fie ! when you play with his Grace ? 
 L. Afor. Upon my honour, he gives me three points. 
 Sir Cba. Does he? Why then you {hail give me but 
 two Here, fellow, get cards. Allans, [Exeunt* 
 
 ACT
 
 o 
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 19 
 
 ACT IL 
 
 Tie SCENE Lady Betty Modifli'j Lodgings. 
 Enter Lady Betty, and Lady Eafy, meeting. 
 
 LADY BETTY. 
 
 H, my dear ! I am overjoyed to fee you ! I am 
 ftrangely happy to-day ; I have juft received my 
 new fcarr from London, and you are moil critically come 
 to give me your opinion of it. \ 
 
 L. Eafy. Oh, your fervant, Madam, I am a very in- 
 different judge, you know. What, is it with ileeves ? 
 
 L. Bet. Oh, 'tis impoflible to tell you what it is ! < 
 'Tis all extravagance both in mode and fancy, my dear. 
 
 I believe there's iix thoufand yards of edging; in it 
 
 Then fuch an enchanting (lope from the elbow fome 
 thing fo new, fo lively, fo noble, fo coquette and charm- 
 ing but you fhall fee it, my dear 
 
 L. Eafy. Indeed, I won't, my de.ir ; I am refolved to 
 mortify you for being fo wrongfully fond of a trifle. 
 L. Bet. Nay, now, my dear, you are ill-natured. 
 L. Eajy, Why, truly, I'm half angry to fee a woman 
 of your fenfe, fo warmly concerned in the care of her 
 outfide ; for when we have taken our beft pains about it, 
 'tis the beauty of the mind alone that gives us lafting 
 virtue. 
 
 L. Set. Ah, my dear! my dear! you have been a 
 married woman to a fine purpofe indeed, that know fo 
 little of the tafte of mankind. Take my word, a new 
 fafhion upon a fine woman, is often a greater proof of 
 her value, than you are aware of. 
 
 L. Eajy. That I can't comprehend, for you fee among 
 the men, nothing's more ridiculous than a new fafhion. 
 Thofe of the firil fenfe are always the laft that come into 
 'em. 
 
 L. fict. That is, becaufe the only merit of a man is 
 his fenfe ; but doubtlefs the greateft value of a woman 
 is her beauty ; an homely woman at the head of a fafhion, 
 would not be allowed in it by the men, and confequently 
 not followed by the women : fo that to be fuccelsful in 
 one's fancy, is an evident fign of one's being admired, 
 
 and
 
 20 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 and I always take admiration for the beft proof of beau- 
 -ty, and beauty certainly is the fourceof power, as power 
 in all creatures is the height of happinefs. 
 
 L. Ea/y. At this rate you would rather be thought 
 beautiful than good. 
 
 L. Bet. As I had rather command than obey : the 
 vvifeft homely woman can't make a man of fenfe of a 
 fool, but the verieil fool of a beauty (ball make an afs 
 of a ftatefrnan ; fo that, in fhorr, I can't fee a woman of 
 fpirit has any bufinefs in this world but to drefs and 
 mske the men like her. 
 
 L. Eafy. Do you fuppofe this is a principle the men, 
 of fenfe wiT. admire you tor ? 
 
 L. Bet. I do fuppofe, that when I fuffer any man to 
 Tke my perfon, he ihan't dare to find fault with my prin- 
 ciple. 
 
 L. E(jy. But men of ft nfe are not fo eafily humbled. 
 L. Bet. The eaficft of any ; one has teu thoufand 
 imes the trouble with a coxcomb. 
 
 L. Eajy. Nay, that may be ; for I have feen you throw 
 away more good humour, in hopes of tendrcjje from 
 my lord Foppington, who loves all women alike, than 
 would have made my lord Morelove perfectly happy, 
 who loves only you. 
 
 L. Bet. The men of fenfe, my dear, make the beft 
 fools in the world : their finctrity and good breeding 
 throws them fo intirely into one's power, and gives one 
 fuch an agreeable third: of ufing them ill, to Ihew that 
 power 'tis impoffible not to quench ir. 
 
 L. Eajy. But, methinks, my lord Morelove's manner 
 to you might move any woman to a kinder fenfe of his 
 merit. 
 
 L. Bet. Aye, but would it not be hard, my dear, for 
 a poor weak woman to have a man of his quality and re- 
 putation in her power, and not let the world fee him 
 there ? Would any creature fit new drefled all day in her 
 clofet ? Could you bear to have a fweet- fancy 'd fuit, and 
 never fliew it at the play, or the drawing-room ? 
 
 L. Eafy. But one would not ride in't, methinks, or 
 harrafs it our, when there's nooccafion. 
 
 L. Bet. Pooh ! my lord Morlove's a meer Indian da- 
 mafk, one can't wear him out j o'my confcience I mull 
 
 give
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 21 
 
 give him to my woman at lull ; I begin to be known by 
 him : had not [ bell leave him off",* my dear? for, poor 
 foul, I believe I have a little fretted him of late. 
 
 L. Eafy. Now 'tis to me amazing, ho-.v a man of his 
 fpirit can bear to be ufed like a dog tor four or five years 
 together but nothing's a wonder in love ; yet pray 
 when you found you could not like him at urrt, why did 
 you ever encourage him ? 
 
 L. Bet. Why, what would you have one do ? for my 
 
 C, I could no more choofe a man by my eye, than a 
 ; one muft draw them on a little, to fee if they are 
 right to one ? s foot. 
 
 L. Eajy. But I'd no more fool on with a man I could 
 not like, then I'd wear a fhoe that pinched me. 
 
 L. Bet. Aye, but then a poor wretch tells one, he'il 
 widen 'em, or do any thing, and is ib civil and filly, that 
 one does not know how to turn fuch a trifle, as a pair of 
 flioes, or an heart, upon a fellow's hands again. 
 
 L. Ealy, \\ ell ; I confefs you are very happily diftin- 
 guifhed among moft women of fortune, to have a man of 
 my lord Morelove's fenic and quality ib long and honour- 
 ably in love with you ; for now-a-days one hardly ever 
 hears of fuch a thing as a man of quality in love with 
 the wo;nan he would marry. To be in love now, is 
 only to have a defign upon a woman, a modtlh way of 
 declaring war agaiufl her virtue, which they generally 
 attack nrft, by toafting up her vanity. 
 
 L. Bet. Aye, but the world knows, that is not the cafe 
 between my lord and me. 
 
 L. Eafj. Therefore I think you happy. 
 
 L. Bet. Now I don't fee it ; I'll fwear I'm better pleafcd 
 to know there are a great many foolifh fellows of quality 
 that take occafion to toaft me frequently. 
 
 L. Ealy. I vow I (V.ou'd not thank any gentleman for 
 toalting me, and I have often wondered how a woman of 
 your fpirit could bear a great many other freedoms I have 
 feen fo;ne men take with you. 
 
 L. Bet. As how, my dear ? Come, pr'ythee be free 
 with me, for you mutt know, I love dearly to hear my 
 faults Who is't you have obferved to be too free with 
 jnc ? 
 
 L. Eafy. Why, there's my lord Foppington ; could 
 
 any
 
 5 2 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 any woman but you bear to fee him with a refpeclful 
 fleer {hire full in her face, draw up his breath, -an.l cry 
 Gad, you're handfome ? 
 
 L. Bet. My dear, fine fruit will have flies about it ; 
 but, poor things, they-doit no harm : for if yonobferve, 
 people are generally moil apt to choole that the flies have 
 been bufy with, ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 L. Ea(y. Thou art a firange giddy creature. 
 
 * L. Bet. That may be from ib much circulation of 
 4 thought, my dear.' 
 
 L. Eajy. But my lord Foppington's married, and one 
 would not fool with him, for his lady's fake ; it may make 
 her uneafy, and 
 
 L. Bet. Poor creature, her pride indeed makes her 
 carry it cff without taking any notice cf it to me ; tho' I 
 know fne hates me in her heart, and I can't endure ma- 
 licious people, Ib I ufed to dii;e with her once a week, 
 purely to give her diforder ; if you had but feen when 
 my lord and I fooled a little, the creature looked ib ugly. 
 
 L. Eafy. But I fliould not think my reputation fate ; 
 my lord Foppington's a man that talks oitenof his amours, 
 butfeldom i peaks of favours that are refufed him. 
 
 L. Bet. Pfhaw ! will any thing a man fays make a 
 woman lefs agreeable? Will his talking fpoil one's com- 
 plexion, or put one's hair out of order ? and for repu- 
 tation, Icok you, my dear, take it for a rule, that as 
 amongft the lower rank of people, no woman wants beauty 
 that has fortune ; fo among people of fortune, no woman 
 wants virtue that has beauty : but an eftate and be&ury 
 joined, are of an unlimited, nay, a po\ver pontifical, make 
 one not only abfolure, but infallible A fine woman's never 
 in the wrong, or, if we were, 'tis not the itrength of a 
 poor creature's reafon that can unfetter him - Oh, how I 
 love to hear a wretch curfe himfelf for loving on, or 
 
 now and then coming out with a 
 
 Yet for the plague of human race, 
 This devil has an angel's face. 
 
 Lady Ea: At this rate, I don't fee you allow repu- 
 tation to be at all eflential to a fine woman. 
 
 Lady B. Juft as much, as honour to a great man. 
 ' Power is always above fcandal. Don't you hear people 
 
 * fay the king of France owes moft of his conquefb to 
 
 * breaking his word, and would not the confederates 
 
 ' have
 
 THE CARELESS HUSB.VND. 33 
 
 * have a fine time our, if they were only to go to war 
 ' with reproaches.' Indeed, my dear, th.it jewel repu- 
 tation is a very fanciful bulmels ! one (hall not fee an 
 homely creature in town, but wears it in her mouth as 
 inonitroufly as the Indi-.ns do bobs at their lips, arid it 
 really becomes them juft alike. 
 
 Lady E. Have a care, my dear, of trufting too far to 
 power alone : for nothing is more ridiculous than the fall 
 cf pride ; and woman's pride at befl may be iu!"pec~ted to 
 be more a diilruft. than a real contempt of mankind : for 
 when we have faid all we can, a deserving hufoand is 
 certainly our bell happinefs j and I don'c queition but 
 my lord Morelove's merit, in a little time, will make 
 you think fo too; for whatever airs you give yourfelf to 
 the world, I'm lure your heart don't want good-nature. 
 
 Lady B. You are miiiaken, I am very ill-natured, tho* 
 your good humour won't let you fee it. 
 
 Lady E. Then to give me a proof on't, let me fee you 
 refufe to go immediately and dine with me, alter I have 
 promifed Sir Charles to bring you. 
 
 Lady E. Pray don't afk me. 
 
 LadyE. "Why? 
 
 LadyE. Becaufe, to let you fee I hate good-nature, I'll 
 go without aiking, that you mayn't have the malice to 
 fay I did you a favour. 
 
 Lady E. Thou art a mad creature. [Exeunt arm in arm t 
 
 The SCENE changes to Sir Charles'* lodging!. 
 
 Lord Morelove and Sir Charles at Picquet. 
 Sir Cba. Come, my lord, one fingle game for the 
 touf, and fo have done. 
 
 Lor d More. No, Ivtng 'em, I have enough of 'em? 
 ill cards are the dulleit company ill the world Ho\r 
 much is it ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Three parties. 
 
 Lord More. Fifteen pounds very well. 
 
 [Jf^bile Lord Morelove counts out bis moary, a fervant 
 
 gives Sir Charles a litter, ivbicb be reads tobimfelf. 
 
 Sir Cba. [To the fervant.\ Give my fervice, fay I have 
 
 company dhies with me, if I have time I'll call there in 
 
 the afternoon ha ! ha ! ha ! \_Rxlt fewant. 
 
 Lora
 
 34 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord More. What's the matter there 
 
 [Paying the monfj. 
 
 Sir C'ia. The old affair my lady Grave^irs. 
 
 Lord lilor. Oh ! Pr'ythee how does rhat go on ? 
 
 SirCba. As agreer.Hy ;.s a Chancery fuit : for now it's 
 come to the intolerable p:agye of my not being able to 
 get rid on't ; as you may fee [Giving the letter. 
 
 Lord More, [reads.] " Your behaviour fince I came to 
 "Windier, has convinced me of your villainy without my 
 being furprized, or ?r.gry at it. I deiire you would let 
 me lee you at my lodgings immediately, where I fhall 
 have a better opportunity to convince you, that I never 
 can, or pofinvcly wil". be as I have been. Yours, Sec." 
 A veiy whimilcal letter ! Faith, I think fhe has hard 
 luck with you : it" a man were obliged to have a miflrefs, 
 her perfon and condition feem to be cut out for the eafe 
 of a lo\er: for five's a young, handfome, wild, well- 
 jointured widow But what's your quarrel ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Nothing t;:efec-= the coolnefs happens to be 
 firft on my fide, and her bufinefs with me now, I fup- 
 pofe, is to convince me, how heartily file's vexed that fhe 
 was not beforehand with me. 
 
 Lord Mar. Her pride, and your indifference, muft oc- 
 calion a pleafaut Icene, fure ; what do you intend to do ? 
 
 SirCba. Treat her with a cold familiar air, till I piq'JC 
 her to forbid me her fight, and then take her at her word. 
 
 Lord More. Very gallant and provoking. , 
 ILtiter a SffVtuit, 
 
 Serv. Sir, my lord Foppington [Exit. 
 
 Kir Cba. Oh now, my lord, if you have a mind to 
 'be let into the my fiery- of .making love without pain 
 here's one that's a iv.ailtr of the art, and (hail declaim to 
 you 
 
 Enter Lord Foppington. 
 My dear lord Foppington ? 
 
 LcrJVfip. My dear agreeable ! $nc jefembraffe ! Par- 
 di ! fl_ f ; <i cent ans qiti'je ?;c fa! fit my {lord, I am your 
 lordship's moil: obedient humble Servant. ' 
 
 Lord M.re. My loid, I kifs your hands I hope we 
 fhaii have you heie fomfriirne ; you feem to have laid in 
 a ftcck of health to be in at the'diveriions of the place 
 You look extremelyvwell. 
 
 Lord
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. s$ 
 
 Lord Fop. To fee one's friends look fo, my Lord, may 
 afily give a vermcrl/e to one's complexion. 
 
 &> Cha. Lovers in hope, my Lord, always have a vifi- 
 ble brilliant in their eyes and air. 
 
 Lord Fop. What dortthou mean, Charles? 
 
 Sir Cha. Come, come, confefs what really brought 
 you to Windibr, now you have no bufinefs there ? 
 
 Lord Fop. Why two hours, and fix of the beft nags in 
 Chriftendom, or the devil drive me. 
 
 Lord More. You make hafte, my Lord. 
 
 Lord Fop. My Lord, I always fly when I purfue But 
 they are well kept indeed I love to have creatures go as 
 I bid 'em ; you have ieen 'em, Charles, but fo has all the 
 world ; Foppington's long tails are known on every road 
 in England, 
 
 Sir Cha. Wtll, my Lord, but how came they to bring 
 you this road ? You don't ufe to take thefe irregular 
 jaunts without fome dciign in your head of having more 
 than nothing to do. 
 
 Lord Fvj). Pfiiaw ! Pox ! pr'ythee, Charles, thou 
 knoweft I am a fetiovfja/n confequence, bit where I will. 
 
 Sir C/.\i. Nay, nay, this is too rr.ujh among friends, 
 my Lord ; come, come, we mult have it, your real 
 bufinefs here ? 
 
 Lord Fop. Why then, tntre ncus, there is a certa.n^f//* 
 dejoye about the court here, that loves winning at cards 
 better than all the fine things I have been able to fay to 
 her, fo I have brought an odd thoufand bill in my poc- 
 ket that I defign, tete-a-ttte, to play off with her at pic- 
 quet, or fo ; and now the bufinefs is otr. 
 
 Sir Cha. Ah, and a very good bufinefs too, my Lord. 
 
 Lord Fop. If it be well done, Charles 
 
 Sir Cha. That's as you manage your cards, my Lord, 
 
 Lord More. This muft be a woman of confequence, by 
 the value you fet upon her favours. 
 
 Sir Cha. Oh, nothing's above the price of a fine wo- 
 man. 
 
 Lord Fop. Nay, look you, gentlemen, the price may 
 ilot happen to be altogether fo high neither For I fancy 
 I know enough of the game, to make it an even bet I 
 get her for nothing. 
 
 Lord More, How fo, my Lord ? 
 
 C LorJ
 
 26 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord Fop. Becaufe, if (he.hippen to lofe a good fum 
 to me, I (hall buy her with her own money. 
 
 Lord More. That's new, I coiifels. 
 
 Lord Fop. You know, Charles, 'tis not irupoffible but 
 I may be five hundred pounds deep with her---then bills 
 may fall ftiort, and the devil's in't if I want ailurance to 
 aik her to pay fome way or other. 
 
 SirCba. And a man mult be a churl indeed, that won't 
 take a lady's perfonal lecurity ; hah ! hah ! hah ! 
 
 Lord fop. Heh ! heh ! heh ! thou art a devil, Charles. 
 
 Lord More. Death ! how happy is this coxcomb ? 
 
 [AW. 
 
 Lord Fop. But to tell you the truth, gentlemen, I 
 had another preffing temptation that brought me hither, 
 which wasmy wife. 
 
 Lortt More. That's kind, indeed, my lady has been 
 here this month ; flie'll be glad to fee you. 
 
 Lord Fop. That I don't know ; for I defign this after- 
 noon to fend her to London. 
 
 Lord More. What ! the fame day you come, my 
 Lord ? that would be cruel. 
 
 Lord Fop. Aye, but it will be mighty convenient ; for 
 fhe is positively or no manner of ufe in my amours. 
 
 Lord More. That's your fault, the town thinks her a 
 very defcrving woman. 
 
 Lord Fop. If fhe were a woman of the town, perhaps 
 I {hould think fo too ; but (he happens to be my wife, 
 and when a wife is once given to deferve more than her 
 hufband's inclinations can pay, in my mind fr.e has no 
 merit at all. 
 
 Lord More. She's extremely well-bred, and of a very 
 prudent conduct. 
 
 Lord Fop, Urn aye the woman's proud enough. 
 
 Lord Mor, Add to this, all the world allows her hand- 
 feme. 
 
 Lord Fop. The world's extremely civil, my Lord ; 
 and I fliould take it as a favour done me, if they could 
 find an expedient to unmarry the poor woman from the 
 only man in the world that can't think her handfome. 
 
 Lord More. ! believe there are a great many in the 
 world that are forry 'tis not in their power to unmarry 
 her. 
 
 Lord
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 27 
 
 Lord Fop, I am a great many in the world's very hum- 
 ble fervant, and whenever they find 'tis in their power, 
 their high and mighty wifdoms may command me at a 
 quarter of an hour's warning. 
 
 Lord Mr, re. Pray, my Lord, what did you marry for? 
 Lord Fop. To pay my debts at play, and difmherit my 
 younger brother. 
 
 Lord More. But there are fome things due to a wife. 
 Lord Fop. And there are fome debts I don't care to pay 
 to both which I plead hufband, and my Lord. 
 
 Lord More. If I fhould do fo, I fliould expeft to have 
 my own conch ftopt in the itreet, and to meet my wife 
 with the windows up in a hackney. 
 
 Lord Fop. Then would I put in bail, and order a fe- 
 parare maintenance. 
 
 Lord M re. So pay the double the furu of the debt, 
 and be married for nothing. 
 
 Lord Fop. Now I think deferring a dun, and getting 
 rid of one's wife, are two the moil agreeable fwcets in 
 the liberties of an Englifti fubjcft. 
 
 Lord More. If I were married, I would as foon part 
 from my eftate as my wife. 
 
 Lord Fop. Now I would not, fun-burn me if I would. 
 Lord Mor, Death ! but fifcce you are thus inditferent, 
 my Lord, why would you needs marry a woman of fo 
 much merit? Could not you have laid.out your fpleen 
 upon feme ill-natured fhrew, that wanted the plague of 
 an ill hufband, r.nd have let her alone to fome plain, bo- 
 nd! man of quality, that would have deferved her. 
 
 Lord Fop. Why faith, my Lord, that might have been 
 confidered ; but I really grew fo paffionately fond of her 
 fortune, that, curfe catch me, I was quite blind to the 
 reft of her good qualities : for to tell you the truth, if 
 it had been poffible the old put of a peer could have tofied 
 me in t'other five thoufand for 'em, by my confent, fhe 
 fhould have relinquished her merit and virtues to any of 
 her younger lifters. 
 
 Sir Cba, Aye, aye, my Lord, virtues in a wife are good 
 for nothing but to make her proud, and put the world in 
 mind of her hufband's faults. 
 
 LcrdYop. Right, Charles: and, ftrike me blind, but 
 
 the women of virtue are now grown fuch ideois in love, 
 
 C 2 they
 
 28 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 they expect of a man, juft as they do of a coach horfe, 
 that one's appetite, like t'other's flefli, fhould increaie 
 by feeding. 
 
 Sir Cba. Right, my Lord, and don't confider, that 
 ioujours chapons bouiHii will never do with an Englifli ilo- 
 mach. 
 
 Lord Fop. Ha ! ha ! ha ! To tell you the truth, 
 Charles, I have known fo much of that fort of eating, 
 that I now think, for an hearty meal, no wild fowl in 
 Europe is comparable to a joint of Baailead mutton. 
 
 Lord More. How do you mean ? 
 
 Lord Fop. Why that, .for my part, I had rather have 
 a plain flice of my wife's woman, than my guts full of 
 e'er an Ortolan duchefs in Chriftendom. 
 
 Lord More. But I thought, my Lord, your chief bu- 
 iinefs now at Windfor had been your deiign upon a wo- 
 man of quality. 
 
 Lord Fop. That's true, my Lord ; though I don't 
 think your fine lady the befl difh my lei f, yet a man of 
 quality can't be without fuch things at his table. 
 
 Lord More. Oh, then you enly defire the reputation 
 of an affair with her. 
 
 Lord Fop. I think the reputation is the mod inviting 
 part of an amour with moll women of quality. 
 
 Lord More. Why fo, my Lord? 
 
 LordFip. Why, who the devil would run through all 
 the decrees of form and ceremony, that lead one up to 
 the laii favour, if it were not for the reputation of un- 
 tlerfianding the neareft way to get over the difficulty r 
 
 Lord More. But, my Lord, does not the reputation of 
 your being fo general an undertaker frighten the women 
 from engaging with you ? For they fay, no man can love 
 bur one at a time. 
 
 Lcrd Fop. That's juft one more than ever I came up 
 to : for, flop my breath, if ever I loved one in my life. 
 
 Lord More. How 7 do you get 'em, then? 
 
 Lord Fop. Why, fometiraes as they get other people : 
 I drefs, and let them get me; or, if that won't do, as I 
 got my title, I buy 'em. 
 
 Lord More. But how can you, that profefs indifference, 
 think it worth your while to come fo often up to the 
 price of a womau of quality ? 
 
 Lord
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 29 
 
 LordFcp. Becaufeyou muftknow, my Lord, thatmoit 
 of them begin now to come down to reafon; I mean 
 thofe that are to be had, tor ibme die fools : but with 
 the wifer forr, 'tis not, of" late, fo very expenfwe ; now 
 and tken apartie quarre, a jaunt or two in a hack to ad 
 Indian houfe, a little China, an odd thing for a gown, 
 or fo, and in three days after, you meet her at the con- 
 veniency of trying it cbez Mailono'-feUe cTEpingle. 
 
 Kir Cf>a. Aye, aye, my Lord, and when you are there, 
 you knew, what between a little char, a difh of tea, 
 MadeinoiieUe's good humour, and zpetit cbonfon, or two, 
 the d-;vil's iu't if a man can't fool away the time, 'till he 
 lees how it looks upon ker by candle-light. 
 
 Lord Top. Heh ! heh ! well faid, Charles, I'gad I 
 fancy thee and I have unlaced many a reputation there 
 Your great lady is as foon undreffed as her woman. 
 
 Lord Mor. I could never find it fo the fliame or 
 
 fcandal of a repulie ;-.lways made me afraid of attempt- 
 ing wo man or condition. 
 
 Si'- Cba. Ha i ha ! I'gad, my Lord, you deferve tov 
 be ill ultd ; your modefty's enough to fpoil any woman 
 in the world ; but my Lord an<i I undcrliand the fex a 
 little beuer; we Ice plainly that women are only cold, 
 as feme muii are brave, from the modeity or fear ot thofe 
 that attack 'em. 
 
 Lord cp. Right, Chr.ilcs, a mun fhould no more 
 give up hi? heart to 3 woman, th m his iword to a bully ;, 
 they ar<_ bijth as infolent as the devil aher it. 
 
 Sir Cl.'d. How do you like that, my Lord ? 
 
 \_s1JiJc to Lord JMorelove.. 
 
 Lord More. Faith, I envy him But, myXotd, fup- 
 pofe your inclination fliould ftumble upon a woman truly 
 virtuous, would not a i'evere repulie trom fuch an one, 
 put you ftrangelyout of countenance ? 
 
 j',i>rtllcof>. Not at all, my Lord for if a man don't 
 mind a box o' the ear in a fair ftruggle with a frefh coun- 
 try girl, why the deuce fliould .he be concerned at an 
 impertinent frown for an attack upon a woman of qua- 
 lity ? 
 
 Laid More. Then you have no notion of a lady's 
 cruelty ! 
 
 C 3 Lord'
 
 3 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord Ftp. Ha ! ha ! let me blood, if I think there's 
 a greater jeft in nature. I am ready to crack my guts 
 with laughing, to fee a fenfelefs flirt, becaufe the crea- 
 ture happens to have a little pride that flic calls virtue 
 about her, give herfelfall the inlblent airs of refentment 
 and difdain to an honeft fellow, that all the while docs 
 not care three pinches of fnuff if fhe and her virtue were 
 to run with their lail favours through the firft regiment of 
 guards Ha ! ha ! it puts me in mind of an affair of 
 
 mine, fo impertinent 
 
 Lord More. Oh, that's impoffible, my Lord Pray 
 
 let's hear it. 
 
 Lord Fop. Why I happened once to be very well in a 
 certain man of quality's family, and his wife liked me. 
 Lord More. How do you know fhe liked you ': 
 Lord Fop. Why from the very moment I told her I 
 liked her, ihe never durfl trull: herfelf at the end of a 
 room with me. 
 
 Lord More. That might be her not liking you. 
 Lord fop. My Lord Women of quality don't ufe to 
 fpeak ihe thing plain but to fatisfy you I did not want 
 encouragement ; I never came there in my life, but fhe 
 did immediately fmile, and borrow my fnuff box. 
 
 Lord More. She liked your fnuff at leafl Well, but 
 how did fhe ufe you ? 
 
 Lord Fop. By all that's infamous fhe jilted me. 
 Lord More. How ! Jilt you ? 
 Lord Fop. Aye, death's curfe, fhe jilted me. 
 Lord More. 1'ray let's hear. 
 
 Lord Fop. For when I was pretty well convinced fhe 
 had a mind to me, I one day made her a hint of an ap- 
 pointment : upon which, with an inlblent frown in her 
 lace, (that nv.ide her look as ugly as the devil) fhe told 
 me, that if ever I came thither again, her lord fliould 
 know that fhe had forbidden me the houfe before. Did 
 you ever hear of fuch a flut ? 
 Sir Cha. intolerable ! 
 
 Lord More. But how did her anfwer agree with you 
 Lord Fop. Oh, paffionately well ! for I flared full in 
 her face, and burfl out a laughing ; at which fhe turned 
 upgn her heel, and gave a crack with her fan like a coach- 
 whip,
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND, ji 
 
 whip, and bridled out of the room with the air and com- 
 plexion of an incenfed Turkey cock. 
 
 \AfervantwhifpersSh Charles. 
 
 Lord More. What did you then ? 
 
 Lord fop. I looked after her, gaped, threw up the 
 
 fafh, and tell a tinging out of the window fo that you 
 fee, my Lord, while a man is not in love, there's no 
 great affliction in milling one's way to a woman. 
 
 Sir Cba. Aye, aye, you talk this very well, my Lord ; 
 but now let's fee how you dare behave yourfelf upon ac- 
 tion dinner's ferved, and the ladies Itay for us There's 
 one within has been too hard for as brilk a man as your- 
 fell. 
 
 Lord More. I guefs who you mean Have a care, my 
 Lord, fhe'll prove your courage for you. 
 
 Lord Fop. Will flie ? then (lie's an undone creature. 
 For let me tell you, gentlemen, courage is the whole 
 myftery of making love, and of more ufe than conduct 
 is in war ; for the braveft fellow in Europe may beat his 
 brains out againft the ftubborn walls of a town But 
 
 Women, born to be controli'd, 
 
 Stoop to the forward, and the bold. [Exeunt . 
 
 END of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 The SCENE continues. 
 
 Enter Lord Morelove, and Sir Charles. 
 
 ?' 
 LORD MORELOVE. 
 
 SO ! Did not I bear up bravely ? 
 Sir Cba. Admirably \ with the beft bred infolence In 
 nature, j'ou infulted like a woman of quality when her 
 country-bred huiband's jealous of her :n tlie wrong place. 
 Lord More. Ha ! ha ! Did you obferve, when I fi?ft 
 came into the room, how carelefly fhe btufhed her eyes 
 over me, and when the company fuluted me, flood all 
 the while with her face to the window r ha ! ha ! 
 
 Sir Cba. What aitonifhed airs (lie gave herfelf, when 
 you afked her, what made her fo grave upon her old 
 friends ? 
 
 Lord
 
 32 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord Mor. And whenever I offered any thing in talk, 
 what affecled care fhe took to direct her obfervations of 
 it to a third perfon? 
 
 Sir Cba. I obferved (lie did not eat above the rump of 
 a p_igeon all dinner time. 
 
 Lord Mor. And how fhe coloured when I told her, her 
 ladyfhip had loit her ftomach ? 
 
 Sir Cba. If you keep your temper {lie's undone. 
 
 Lord Mor. Provided {he {licks to her pride, I believe I 
 may. 
 
 Sir Cba. Aye! never fear her ; I warrant, in the hu- 
 mour fhe is in, fhe would as foon part with her fenfe of 
 feeling. 
 
 Lord *'Ior. Well, what's to be done next ? 
 
 Kir Cl-a. Only obferve her motions ; for by her be- 
 haviour at dinner, I am fure fhe defigns to gull you with 
 my Lord Foppingtcn : if fo, you muft even lland her 
 fire, and then play my Lady Graveairs upon her, whom 
 I'll immediately pique, and prepare for your purpole. 
 
 Lord Mor. I underftand you the prcperetl wo- 
 man in the world too ; for fhe'll certainly encourage the 
 leufl offer from me, in hopes of revenging her Uights 
 upon you. 
 
 Sir Cba. Right; and the very encourngemtnt fhe 
 gives you, at the fame time will give me a pretence to 
 widen the breach of my quarrel with her. 
 
 Lord Mor. .Be fides, Charles, I own I am fond of any 
 attempt that will forward a mifunderftanding there, for 
 your lady's fake. A woman fotrulv gocd in her nature, 
 ought to have foiriething more from a man, than bare 
 occafions to prove her goodnefs. 
 
 Sir Cba. Why, then, upon honour, my Lord, to give 
 you proof that I am pofitively the be ft hufband in the 
 world, my wife never yet found me out. 
 
 Lord Mor. That may be by her being the belt wife in 
 the world : fhe, may be, won't find you out. 
 
 Sir Cba. Nay, it fhe won't tell a rr.r.n bf his fault?, 
 when fhe fees them, how the deuce fliouid he mend 
 them r But however, you fee I am gt ing to ie^ve them 
 eff as fa ft as I can. 
 
 Lord Mor. Being tired of a woman, is, indeed, a pretty 
 tolerable aflurance of a man's not deligning to fcol en 
 
 with,
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 33 
 
 with her Here fhe comes, and, if I don't miftake, 
 
 brimful of reproaches You can't take her in a better 
 
 time I'll leave you. 
 
 Enter Lady Graveairs. 
 
 Your ladyfhip's mofl humble fervant. Is the company 
 broke up, pray ? 
 
 Lady Gra. No, my Lord, they are juft talking of* 
 baflet ; my Lord Foppington has a mind to tally, if your 
 lordfhip would encourage the table. 
 
 Lord ]\Ior. Oh, Madam, with all my heart ! But Sir 
 Charles, I know, is hard to be got to it ; I'll leave your 
 ladyfliip to prevail with him. [Exit Lard Morelove. 
 [Sir Charles and Lady Graveairs jalute coliily, and trifle 
 
 feme time before they fpcak. 
 
 Lady Gra. Sir Charles, I fent you a note this mor- 
 ning 
 
 i'/r Cba. Yes, Madam ; but there were fome paflages 
 I did not expect from your ladyfliip ; you leem to tax 
 
 me with things that 
 
 Lady Gra. Look you, Sir, 'tis not at all material whe- 
 ther I taxed you with any thing or no ; I don't defire 
 you to clear yourfelf ; upon my word, you may be very 
 eafy as to that matter ; for my part, I am mighty well fa- 
 tisned things are as they are ; all I have to fay to you is, 
 that you need not give yourfelf the trouble to call at my 
 lodgings this afternoon, if you fhould have time, a$ you 
 were pleafed to lend me word and Ib, your fervant, Sir, 
 that's all [Going. 
 
 SirCba. Hold, Madam. 
 
 Lady Gra. Look you, Sir Charles, 'tis not your calh'ug 
 me back that will fignify any thing, I can aflure you. 
 
 Sir Cba. Why this extraordinary hafle, Madam ? 
 
 Lady Gra. In fliort, Sir Charles, I have taken a great 
 many things from you of late, that you know I have often 
 told you I would pofitively bear no longer. But I fee 
 things are in vain, and the more people itrive to oblige 
 people, the lefs they are thanked for it : and fince there 
 mull be an end of one's ridiculoufnefs one time or other, 
 I don't fee any time fo proper as the prefent ; and there- 
 fore, Sir, I defire you would think of things accordingly. 
 Your fervant. [Going, be holds her. 
 
 Sir Cba. Nay, Madam, let us ftartfair, however; you 
 
 ought
 
 34 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 ought, at leaft, to ftay till I am as ready as your ladyfhip ; 
 and then, it we muft part, 
 
 Adieu, ye filent grots, and fhady groves ; 
 
 Ye foft amufements or" our growing loves ; 
 
 Adieu, ye whifper'd fighs, that fann'd the fire, 
 
 And ail. the thrilling joys of young defire. 
 
 Lady Gra. Oh, mighty well, Sir ! I am very glad \\e 
 are at la ft come to a right underfranciing, the only way I 
 have long wifiied for ; not but I'd have you to know, I 
 lee your ddjgn thro' all your painted eafe of refignation : 
 I know you'd give your foul to make me uneafy now. 
 
 . v /r Cba. Oh, fie,' Madam ! upon my word I would not 
 make you uneafy, ii it were in my power. 
 
 LaiiyGra. Oh, dear Sir! you need not take fuch 
 care, upon my word ; you'll find I can part with you 
 without the leaft diforder ; I'll try, at leaft ; "and lo, once 
 inoi'e, and for ever, Sir, your fervant : not but you muft 
 j/ive me leave to tell you, as my h'.ft thought of you too, 
 that I do think - you are a villain. [Exit haftily. 
 
 Sir Cba. Oh, your very humble fervant, Madam ! 
 
 [Bciving lcv.\ 
 
 What a charming quality is a woman's pride, that is 
 ftrong enough to rerufe a man her favours, when he's 
 weary of them - -Ah ! 
 
 Re -enter Lady Graveairs. 
 
 Lad? Gra. Look you, Sir Charles ; don't prefume 
 \ipcn the eafinefa of my temper: for to convince you 
 , that I am politively in earntft in this matter, I defire you 
 would let me have what letters you have had of mine 
 fince you came to \Yindfor; and I expect you'll return 
 the rt:it, as I will yours, as foon as we come to London. 
 
 Sir Cba. Upon my faith, Madam, I never keep any; 
 I always put InufFin them, and fo they wear out. 
 
 Lady Gra. Sir Charles, I muft have them ; for pod- 
 lively I won't ftir without them. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ha ! then I muft be civil, I fee. [jO/Me.] 
 Perhaps, Madam, I have no mind to part with them 
 or you. 
 
 Lady Gra. Look you, Sir, all thofc fort of things are 
 in vain, now there's an end of every thing between us
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 3^ 
 
 If you fay you won't give them, I muft e'en get them as 
 well as I can. 
 
 iVr Cba. Ha ! that won't do then, I find. [A/uk. 
 
 Lady Gra. Who's there? Mrs. Edging- Your 
 
 keeping a letter, Sir, won't keep me, I'll allure you. 
 
 Enter Edging. 
 
 EJg. Did your ladylhip call me, Madam ? 
 Laf/y Gra' Ay, child pray do me the favour to fetch 
 my cloak out of the dining-room. 
 Edg. Yes, Madam. 
 
 Sir Cha. Oh, then there's hope again. [4^'^ 
 
 EJg. Ha! (he looks as if my mailer had quarrelled 
 with her ; I hope (he's going away in a huff fhe fkm't 
 ftay for her cloak, I warrant her This is pure, 
 
 \Afide. Exit failing. 
 
 Lady Gra. Pray, Sir Charles, before I go, give me 
 leave now, after ail, toalk you why you have Cifed me 
 thus ? 
 
 i'/V Cba. What is it you call ufage, Madam ? 
 Lady Gra. Why, then, fince you will have it, how 
 co.r.es it you have been fo grofly carelefs and neglectful 
 of me of late ? Only tell me feriouily, wherein I have 
 tieferved this- 
 
 Sir Cba. Why, then, ferio-jfly, Madam 
 
 Re-enter Edging v.ith a cloak. 
 
 We are interrupted 
 
 Edg. Here is your ladyfhip's cloak, Madam. 
 Lady Gra. Thank you, Mrs Edging Oh, law ! pray 
 will you let fomebody get me a chair to the door. 
 
 EJg. Hump She might have told me .that before, if 
 fhe had been in fuch hnite to go. \_Afidc. E.\it. 
 
 La fly Gra. Now, Sir. 
 
 SVr C/.>a. Then, feri aifly, I fay I am of late grown fo 
 very lazy in my pleasures, ' that 1 had rather lofe a wo- 
 
 * man, than go through the plague and trouble of 1 a- 
 
 * ving or keeping her : and, to be free, I have found lo 
 ' much, even in my acquaintance with you. whom I con- 
 ' tefs to be a mllh'efs in the art or pleaiir.g,' that I ;;m 
 from henceforth rcfolved to fo'.low no pleaiure that arifts 
 
 above the degree of amufement And that woman that 
 
 experts I fliou Id make her my bufmefs ; why lii.c my 
 bulinefs, is then in a fair way of being forgot. When 
 
 once
 
 3 6 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 once flie comes to reproach me with vows and ufage, and 
 fluff I had as lief hear her talk of bills, bonds, and ejeft- 
 ments : her paffion becomes as troublelbme as a law-fuit, 
 and I would as loon converfe with my folicitor. In fliort, 
 I (hall never care lixpeuce for any woman that won't be 
 obedient. 
 
 Lady Gra. I'll fwear, Sir, you have a very free way 
 of treating people ; I am glad 1 am fo well acquainted 
 with your principles, however And you would have 
 me obedient ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Why not ? My wife's fo ; and I think (he has 
 as much pretence to be proud as your ladyfhip. 
 
 Lady Gra. Lard ! is there no chair to be had, I 
 wonder ? 
 
 Enter Edging. 
 
 Edg. Here's a chair, Madam. 
 
 Lady Gra. ' fis very well, Mrs. Edging : pray will you 
 let fomebody get me a glais of fair water ? 
 
 Edg. Humph her huffisalmoft over, I fuppofe 
 I fee he's a villain frill. [-Jjide. Exit. 
 
 Lady Gra. Well, that was the prettieft fancy about 
 obedience, fure, that ever \vas. Certainly, a woman of 
 condition mult be infinitely happy under the dominion of 
 fo generous a lover. ' But how came you to forget 
 kicking and whipping all this while ? Methinks, you 
 
 * fhould not have left fo fafhionable an article out of 
 
 * your fcheme of government. 
 
 * Sir Cha. Um No, there is too much trouble 19 
 
 that ; though I have known them of admirable ufe in 
 
 * reformation of fome humourfome gentlewomen.' 
 Lady Gra. But one thing more, and I have done 
 
 Pray, what degree of fpirit muft the lady have, that is to 
 make herfelf happy under fo much freedom, order, and 
 tranquility ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Oh, flie muft at leafthave as much fpirit as 
 yourladyfliip, or {he'd give me no pleafurein breaking it. 
 
 ].<:JjGra. No, that would be tioublefome. You had 
 tetter take one that's broken to your hand : there are 
 fuch fouls to be hired. I believe; things that will rub 
 your temples in an evening, till you fall fail aileep in 
 their laps ; creatures, too, that thhk their wages their re- 
 ward. I fancy, at laft, that will be the belt method for 
 
 * the
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 3? 
 
 the lazy paflion of a married man, that has out-lived his 
 any other fenfe of gratification. 
 
 'Sir Cba. Look you, Madam ; I have loved you Very 
 well a great while ; now you would have me love you bet- 
 ter and longer, which is not in my power to do ; and I 
 don't think there is any plague upon earth, like a dun 
 that comes for more money than one is ever likely to be 
 able to pay. 
 
 Lady Gra. A dun ! Do you take me for a dun, Sir ? 
 Do I come a dunning to you ? {Walks in a beat. - 
 
 Sir Cba. Hift ! don't expofe you rfelf here's com- 
 pany 
 
 Lady Gra. I care not A dun ! You fhall fee, Sir, 
 
 I can revenge an affront, tho' I defpife the wrerch thiit 
 
 offers it A dun ! Oh-, I could die with laughing at 
 
 the fancy 1 {Exit, 
 
 Sir Cba. So flic's in admirable order Here comes 
 my Lord ; and, I am alraid, in the very nick of his oc- 
 eajion for her. 
 
 Enter L rd Morelove. 
 
 Lord Mor. Oh, ChaYles, undone again ! all is loft and 
 ruined. 
 
 Sir Cba. What's the matter now ? 
 
 l^ord 3/or, I have been playing the fool yonder, even 
 ro contempt ; my fenfelefs jealoufy has conrelFed a weak - 
 nefs I .never (hall forgive myfelf. She has infulted on it 
 
 to that degree too 1 c~n't bear the thought Oh^ 
 
 Charles, this devil (till is miltrefs of my heart ! and I 
 could dafli my brains to'think how grofsly too I have let 
 her know it. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ah, how it would tickle her if (he faw you in 
 this condition ! ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Lord Mor. Pr'ythee, don't torture me : think of fome 
 prelent eafe; or I fhall burft. 
 
 Sir Cba. Well, well, let's hear, pray What has fhe 
 done to you ? Ha, ha ! 
 
 Lord Mor. 'Why, ever firice I left you, flie has treated 
 me with fo much coolnefs and ill- nature, and that rhing 
 of a lord, with ' fo much laughing cafe, fiich an ac- 
 quainted,' fuch fffpiteful familiarity, that, at the laft, (he 
 {aw, and triumphed in my uneafinefs. 
 
 Sir Cba. Well, and fo you left the room in a pet ? Ha ! 
 D
 
 3 . THE .CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord 3 lor. Oh, worfe, worfe ftill ! for at hi!, with 
 half (hame and anger in my looks, I thruil rayfelf between 
 my Lord and her, prefled her by the hand, and in a whif- 
 per, trembling, begged her, in pity of herfelf and me, to 
 {hew her good humour only where (he knew it was truly 
 valued; at which (he broke from me with a cold fmile, 
 fat her down by the peer, whilpered him, and burft into 
 a loud laughter in my tace. 
 
 Sir Cha. Ha, ha ! then would I have given fifty 
 pounds to have feen your face. Why, what, in the name 
 or" common fenfe, had you to do with humility ? Will you 
 never have enough on't ? Death ! 'twas letting a lighted 
 match to gunpowder, to blow yourfelf up. 
 
 Lord Mar. I fee my folly now, Charles. But what 
 fiiall I do with the remains of life that (he has left me ? 
 
 t>ir Cha. Oh, throw it at her feet, by all means ! put 
 on your tragedy face, catch fait hold of her petticoat, 
 whip out your handkerclvef, and, in point blank verfe, 
 defire her, one way or other, to make an end of the bufi- 
 nefs. \ln a whining tone. 
 
 Lord Mor. What a fool doit thou make me ! 
 Sir Cha. I only fl.ew you as you come out of her hands, 
 jny Lord. 
 
 Lord Mor. Kow contemptibly have I behaved my felt '? 
 Sir Cba. That's according as you bear her behaviour. 
 Lord Mor. Bear it ! no I thank thee, Charles ; thou 
 
 haft waked me now ; and if I bear it What have you 
 
 done with my Lady Graveairs ? 
 
 Sir Cha. Your bufinefs, I believe She's ready for 
 
 you ; fhe's juft gone down flairs, and if you don't make 
 hafte after her, I expect her back again, with a knife or a 
 piitol prefently. 
 
 Lord Mor. I'll go this minute. 
 
 Sir Cha. No, itay a little: here comes my Lord; 
 we'll lee what we can get out of him, firit. 
 
 ' Lord Mor, Mtthinks, now, I could laugh at her.* 
 
 Enter Lord Foppington. 
 
 L-.rdFop. Nay, pr'ythee, Sir Charles, let's have a lit- 
 tle of thee We have been fo chagrin without thee, 
 
 tbat, flop my breath, the ladies are gone half afleep to 
 church tor want of thy company. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 59 
 
 Sir Cba. That'; hard, indeed, while your lordlhip was 
 among them. Is Lady Betty gone too ? 
 
 Lord Pop. Shewas juft upon the wing; but I caught 
 her by the fnuft-box, and flie pretends to itay to lee if I'll 
 give it her again, or no. 
 
 Lord Mor. Death ! 'tis that I gave her, and the only 
 
 prefent flie would ever receive from me Aljc him how 
 
 he came by it. \_-4fide to Sir Charles. 
 
 Sir Cha. Pr'ythee don't be uneafy Did fhe give it 
 
 you, my Lord ? 
 
 Lord Fop, Faith, Charles, I can't fay fhe did, or flie 
 did not ; but we were playing the fool, and I took it 
 it la Pfliaw! I can't tell thee in French neither; bat 
 Horace touches it to a nicety 'twas plgnus direptum male 
 pertinaci. 
 
 Lird Mor. So but I muft bear it If your lord- 
 fhip has a mind to the box, I'll {land by you in keeping 
 of it. 
 
 Lord Fop, My Lord, I am paflionately obliged to you ; 
 but I am afraid I cannot anfwer your hazarding fo much 
 of the lady's favour. 
 
 Lord Mor, Not at all, my Lord : 'tis poffible I may 
 not have the fame regard to her frown that your lord- 
 ftiip has. 
 
 Lord Fop, That's a bite, I am fure he'd give a joint 
 of his little finger to be as well with her as I am. \_AJide. ~\ 
 
 But here (he comes Charles, ftand by me Muft not 
 
 man be a vain coxcomb now, to think this creature fol- 
 lowed one ? 
 
 Sir Cha, Nothing fo plain, my Lord. 
 Lord Fop. Flattering devil ! 
 
 Enter Lady Betty. 
 
 Lady Bet. Pfliaw, my Lord Foppington ! pr'ythee 
 don't play the fool now, but give me my fnuft-box 
 Sir Charles, help me to take it from him. 
 SirCba. You know I hate trouble, Madam. 
 LadyKet. Pooh ! you'll make me itay till prayers are 
 half over now. 
 
 Lord Fop. If you'll promife me net to go to church, 
 I'll give it you. 
 
 Lady Bet. I'llpromife nothing at all ; for pofitively I 
 
 will have it. [Stnqsliag with him. 
 
 D 2 Lord
 
 40 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord Fop. Then, comparatively, I won't part with it. 
 Ha, ha ! [Straggles c vjitb her. 
 
 Lady Bet. Oh, you devil, you have killed my arm ! 
 
 Oh ! Well, if you'll let me have it, I'll give you a 
 
 better. 
 
 Lord Mor. Oh, Charles! that lias a view of diftant 
 kindnels in it. \_-AfiJe to $ ir Charles. 
 
 Lord Fop. Nay, now I keep it fuperlatively 1 find 
 
 there's a fecret value in it. 
 
 Lady Bet. Oh, difmal ! Upon my word, I am only 
 afhamed to give it to you. Do you think I would offer 
 fuch an odious fancied thing to any body I had the leaft 
 value for ? 
 
 Sir Cha. Now it comes a little nearer, methinks it does 
 Dot feem to be any kindnefsatall. \_AJide to Lord Morelove. 
 
 Lord fop. Why, really, Madam, upon fecond view, 
 it has not extremely the mode of a lady's utenfil. Are 
 you fure it never held any thing but fnuff? 
 
 Lady Bet. Oh, you monfter ! 
 
 Lord Fop. Nay, I only alk, becaufe it feems to me to 
 have very much the air and fancy of MoniieurSmoak- 
 andfot's tobacco-bos. 
 
 Lord Mor. I can bear no more. 
 
 Sir Cba. Why, don't, then ; I'll ftep in to the compa- 
 ny, and return to your relief immediately. [Exit. 
 ' Lord Mor, [To Lady Bet.] Come, Madam, will your 
 tidyfhip give me leave to end the difference ? Since the 
 i!igh:nefs of the rhing may let you be flow k without any 
 mark of favour, fhaii I beg it of your ladyfhip. 
 
 Lady Bet. Oh, my Lord, nobody fooner J beg you 
 
 give it my Lord. [Looking ear/;eftly on Lord Fop. <a'&?, 
 'ives it to Lord Mor. and then bo^ss gravely to her. 
 d"Mor. Only to have the honour of restoring it to 
 your lordfhip ; and if there be anv other trifle of mine 
 your lordfliip has a fancy to, tho' it were a miftrefs, I 
 don't know, any perfon in the world that has io good a 
 claim to my refignation. 
 
 Lord Fop. Oh, my Lord, this generofity will diftract 
 me! 
 
 Lord Mor. My Lord, I do you but common juftice. 
 But from your converfation, I had never known the true 
 value of the fez. You pofitively understand them the 
 
 bell
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 4 , 
 
 bed of any man breathing ; therefore I think every one 
 of common prudence ought to refign to you. 
 
 Lord Fop. Then, pofitively, your lordfhip is the moft 
 obliging perfon in the world; for I'm fure your judgment 
 can never like any woman that is not the fineft creature 
 in the univetfe. [Bowing to Lady Betty. 
 
 LordMor. Oh, your lordfhip does me too much ho- 
 nour ! I have the worft judgment in the world ; no man 
 has been more-deceived in it. 
 
 Lord Fop. Then, your lordfiiip, I prefume, has been 
 apt to choofe in a mafk, or by candle-light. 
 
 Lord Mor. In a mafk, indeed, my Lord, and of all 
 malks the moll dangerous. 
 
 Lordfop. Pray, what's that, my Lord ! 
 
 Lord Mor. A bare face. 
 
 Lord Fop. Your lordfliip will pardon me, if I don't fcx 
 readily comprehend how a woman's bare face can hide 
 her face. 
 
 Lord Mor. It often hides her heart, my Lord ; and 
 therefore I think it fometimes a more dangerous malk 
 than a piece of velvet : that's rather a mark than a dif- 
 guife of an ill woman. But the mifchiefs Ikulking be- 
 hind a beauteous form give no warning ; they are always 
 lure, fatal, ;mJ innumerable. 
 
 Lady Bel. Oh, barbarous afperfion ! My Lord Fop- 
 p : .ngton, have you nothing to fay for the poor women ? 
 
 Lord Fof. I mil ft contels, Madam, nothing of this na- 
 ture ever happened in my courie ot amours. I al- 
 ways judge the beauteous part of a woman to be the 
 molt agree ible part of her competition ; and when once 
 a lady does me the honour to told that into my arms, I 
 think myfelf obliged, in good nature, not to quarrel 
 about the reft of her t-quipage. 
 
 Lady Bet. Why, ay, my Lord, there's fome good hu- 
 mour in that now. 
 
 'LnrdMoi-. He's happy in a plain Englifli flomach, 
 Madam; I could reaommend a difh that's perfectly to 
 your lordftvp's gout t where beauty is the only lauce to it. 
 
 Lady Bet. So 
 
 Lord Pop. My Lord, when my wine's rght, I never 
 care it fhould be zefted. 
 
 D * Lerd
 
 42 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lord Mor. I know fome ladies would thank you for 
 that opinion. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord Morelove is really grown fuch a 
 churl to the women, I don't only think he is not, -but 
 can't conceive how he ever could be in love. 
 
 Lord Mor. Upon my word, Madam, I once thought I 
 Was. [Sm'ling. 
 
 Lady Bet. Fie, fie ! how could you think fo ? I fancy 
 now, you had only a mind todjinineer over fome poor 
 creature, and fo you thought you were in love, ha, ha ! 
 
 Lord Mor. The lady I loved, Madam, grew fo unfor- 
 tunate in her conduct, that at lad flie brought me to treat 
 her with the faise indifference and civility as I now pay 
 your ladyfliip. 
 
 Lady Bet. And, ten to one, juft at that time, flie never 
 thought you fuch tolerable company. 
 
 Lord Mor. That I can't fay, Madam ; for at that time 
 fhegrew foaffedled, there was no judging other thoughts, 
 at all. [Mimicking her. 
 
 Lady Bet. What, and fo you left the poor lady. * Oh, 
 you inconftant creature ! 
 
 Lord M^r. No, Madam, to have loved her on had 
 been inconftancy ; for flie was never two hours together 
 the fame woman. [JLaJy Bet. and Lord Mor. /le/n to talk. 
 
 Lord Fop [^/kfe.J Ha, ha, ha ! 1 fee he has a mind 
 toabufeher; fo I'll even give him an opportunity of 
 doing his buiinefs with her at once tor ever My Lord, 
 I perceive your lordmip is going to be good company to 
 the lady ; and for her fake, I don't think it good man- 
 ners in me to diiturb you- 
 
 Enter Sir Charles. 
 
 Sir C':a. My Lord Foppington 
 
 Lord Fop. Oh, Charles! I was juft wanting thee- 
 
 Hark thee I have three thoufand fecrets for thee 1 
 
 have made fuch difcoveries ! to tell thee all in one word, 
 Morelove's as jealous of me as the devil, he, he, he ! 
 
 Sir Cba. Is it poffible ? Has flie given him any oc- 
 casion ? 
 
 Lord Fop. Only rallied him to death upon my ac- 
 count ; flie told me, within, juft now, fhe'd ufe him like 
 a dog, and begged me to draw off for an opportunity.
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 45 
 
 S:r Cba. Oh, keep in while the icent lies, and fhe is 
 your own, my Lord- 
 
 Lord Fop. I can't tell that, Charles; but I am fure 
 fhe is fairly unharboured ; and when once I throw oft" 
 my inclinations, I ufually follow them till the game has 
 enough on't : and between thee and I, (he is pretty well 
 blown too ; (he can't Hand long, I believe ; for,' curie 
 catch me, if I have not rid down half a thoufand pounds 
 after her already. 
 
 Sir Cba. What do you mean ? 
 
 Lord Fop. I have loft five hundred to her at picquet 
 fince dinner. 
 
 SY>- Cba. You are a fortunate man, faith ; you are re- 
 folved not to be thrown out, I fee. 
 
 Lord Fop. Hang it, what fliould a man come out for, 
 if he does not keep up to the fport ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Well puihed, my Lord. 
 
 Lord Fop. Tayo ! have at her 
 
 V/> Cba. Down, down, my Lord ah ! 'ware haunches I 
 
 Lord Fop. Ah, Charles! [Embracing him.] Pr'ythee, 
 let's oblerve a little : there's a fooliih cur, now I have 
 run her to a Hand, has a mind to be at her by himfelf, 
 and thou (halt fee, file won't itir out of her way for him. 
 
 [ Tbeyjtand ajide. 
 
 Lord Afar. Ha, ha ! your ladyfhip is very grave of a 
 fndden ; you look as if your lover had infolently reco- 
 vered his common fenfes. 
 
 Lady Bet. And your lordfliip is fo very gay, and un- 
 like yourlelf, one would twear you were juft come from 
 the pleafure of making your miitrefs afraid of you. 
 
 Lord Mar. No, faith, quite contrary ; for, do you 
 know, Madam, I have juil found out, that, upon your 
 account, I have made myfelf one of the moil ridiculous 
 
 puppies upon the face of the earth 1 have, upon my 
 
 faith nay, and fo extravagantly fuch, ha, ha, ha ! that 
 it is at laft become a jeit even to myfelf; and I can't 
 help laughing at it for the foul of me, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. I want to cure him of that laugh, now. 
 \_Apde. ~\ My Lord, fince you are fo generous, I'll tell 
 you another fecret Do you know, too, that I flill find, 
 (fpite of all your great wifdom, and my contemptible 
 Dualities, as you are pleafcd, now and then, to call them) 
 
 do
 
 44. THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 do you know, I fay, that I fee, under all this, that you 
 flill love me with the fame helplefs paffion : and can 
 your vaft forefight imagine I won't ufe you accordingly, 
 for thefe extraordinary airs you are pleafed to give 
 yourfelf? 
 
 Lord Mor. Oh, by all means, Mad::m ! 'tis fit you 
 fhould, and I expeft it. whenever it is in vour power 
 Confufion ! {Afide. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord, you have talked to me this half 
 hour, without confelling pain. \Paufes , and (rjj'cJ[*togape.~\ 
 Only remember it. 
 
 Lord Mor. Hell and tortures ! 
 
 Lady Bet. What did you fay, my Lord ? 
 
 Lord Mor. Fire and furies ! 
 
 Lady Bet. Ha, ha ! he's difordered New I am eafy 
 My Lord Foppington, have you a mind to your re- 
 venge at picquet ! 
 
 Lord Fop. 1 have always a mind taan opportunity of 
 entertaining your ladyfnip, Madam. 
 
 \Lady Betty coquets ivitb Lord Fop. 
 
 Lord Mor. Oh, Charles ! the infolence of this woman 
 might furnifli out a thoufand devils. 
 
 iSVr Cba. And your temper is enough to furnifli out a 
 thoufand fuch women. Come away ; I have bufinefs for 
 you upon the terrace. 
 
 LorJ Mor. Let me but fpeak one word to her. 
 
 Sir Cba. Not a fyllable : the tongue's a weapon you'll 
 always have the word at ; f jr I fee you have no guard, 
 and flie carries adevilith edge. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord, don't let any thing I have faid 
 frighten you away ; for if you have the leaft incliuation 
 to ftay and rail, you knew the old conditions; 'tis but 
 your alking me pardon the next day, and you may give 
 your paffion any liberty you think fit. 
 
 Lord Mor. Daggers :.nd death ! 
 
 fir Cba. Is the man dijlrafled? 
 
 Lord Mor. Let me fpeak to her now, or I fhall burft 
 
 Sir Cba. LTpon condition you'll fpeak no more of her 
 to me, my Lord, do as yau pleafe. 
 
 Lord Mor, Pr'ythee, pardon me I know not what 
 lo do. 
 
 Sir
 
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 4^ 
 
 Sir Cha. Gome along ; I'll fet you to work, I warrant 
 you Nay, nay, none of your parting ogles -Will 
 you go ? 
 
 Lord Mor. Yes and I hope forever 
 
 [Exit Sir d\3.. pulling away Lord Mor. 
 
 I^ord Fop. Ha, ha, ha ! Did ever mortal monfter fet 
 up tor a lover with fuch unfortunate qualifications f 
 
 Lady Bet. Indeed, my Lord Morelove has fomething 
 flrangely fingular in his manner. 
 
 Lord Fop. I thought I fliould have burft to fee the 
 creature pretend to rally, and give himfelf the airs of 
 one of us But, run me through, Madam, yourladyfhip 
 puttied like a fencing- matter ; that laft thruft was 
 a coup dc grace, I believe : I'm afraid his honour will 
 hardly meet your ladyflrip in hafte again. 
 
 Lady Bet. Not unlefs his fecond, Sir Charles, keeps 
 
 him better in practice, perhaps Well, the humour of 
 
 this creature has done me fignal fervice to-day. I muft 
 keep it up, for fear of a fecond engagement. {Afide. 
 
 Lord Fop. Never was poor wit fo foiled at his own 
 weapon, fure ! 
 
 Lady Bet. Wit ! had he ever any pretence to it ? 
 
 Lord Top. Ha, ha ! he has not much in love, I think, 
 tho' he wears the reputation of a very pretty young fel- 
 low, among fome fort of people ; hut, ftrike me (Tupid, 
 if ever I could difcover common fenfe in all the progrefs. 
 of his amours : he expefts a woman mould like him tor 
 endeavouring to convince her, that ihe has not one good 
 quality belonging to the whole compofition of her foul 
 and body. 
 
 Lady Ret. That, I fuppofe, is only in a modeft hope, 
 that ihe'll mend her faults, to qualify herfelf for his vail 
 merit, ha, ha ! 
 
 Lord Fop. Poor Morelove ! I fee flie can't endure 
 him. {4fidc. 
 
 Lady Brt. Or if one really had all thofe faults, he does 
 not confide r that fincerity in love is as much out of fa- 
 ihion as fweet fnuft"; nobody takes it now. 
 
 Lrd Fop. Oh, no mortal, Madam, unlefs it be here 
 and there a 'fquire, that's making his lawful court to the 
 cherry-cheek charms of my Lord Bifhop's great fat 
 daughter in the country.
 
 <6 THE CARELESS HUSBANET, 
 
 Lady Bet. O what a furfeiting couple lias he put toge- 
 ther [Throwing her band car clef sly upon IMS. 
 
 Lord Fop. Fond of me, by all that's tender Poor 
 
 fool, I'll give thee eafe immediately. {Afide.'} But, Ma- 
 dam, you were pleafed juftnow to offer me my revenge at 
 
 piquet Now here's no body within, and I think we 
 
 can't make ufe of a better opportunity. 
 
 Lady Ret. O ! no : not now, my Lord ! 1 have a 
 
 favour I would fain beg of you firft. 
 
 Lord Fop. But time, Madam, is very precious in this 
 place, and I fhall not ealily forgive mylelf if I don't take 
 him by the forelock. 
 
 Lady Bet. But I have a great mind to have a little more 
 fport with my Lord Morelove fiift, and would fain beg 
 your afliltance. 
 
 Lord Fop. O! with all my heart j and, upon fecond 
 thoughts, 1 don't know but piquing a rival in publick 
 may be as .good fport, as beiny well with a miftrefs in 
 private : for, after all, the pleaiure of a fine woman is like 
 that of her virtue, notfo much in the thing, as the repu- 
 tation of having it. \_Afiik.} Well, Madam, but how 
 can I ferve you m this aflair ? 
 
 Lady Bet. Why, methought, as my Lord Morelove 
 went out, hefhewed a jftern reftntment in his look, that 
 feemed to threaten me with rebellion, and downright de- 
 fiance : now I have a great fancy, that you and I fhould 
 follow him to the terrace, and laugh at his refolution be- 
 fore he has time to put it in practice. 
 
 Lord Fop. And fo punifh his fault before he commits 
 it ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. Nay, we won't give him time, if his cou- 
 rage fhould fail, to repent it. 
 
 Lord fop. Ha ! ha ! ha ! let me blood, if I don't long 
 to be at it, ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. O ! 'twill be fuch diverfion to fee him bite 
 his lips, and broil within, only with feeing us ready to 
 fplit our fides in laughing at nothing ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 LordFop. Ha ! ha ! I fee the creature does really like 
 me. \Afide, ,] And then, Madam, to hear him hum a bro- 
 ken piece of a tune, in affection of his not minding us 
 'twill be fo foolifh, when we know he loves us to death all 
 tbe while, ha ! ha !
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 47 
 
 Lady Bet. And if atlail his fage mouth fhouldopen in 
 fv.rh 'contradiction ot our humour, then will we, in pure 
 oppofition to his, immediately fall foul upon every thing 
 that is not gallant and fafhionable : conftancy fhall be the 
 mark of age and uglinefs, virtue ajeft, we'll rally dif- 
 cretion out of doors, lay gravity at our feet, and only love, 
 free love, diforder, liberty, and pleafure, be cur Handing 
 principles. 
 
 Lord F<>p Madam, you tranfport me: for if ever I was 
 obliged to nature for any one tolerable qualification, 
 'twas politively the talent of being exuberantly pleafant 
 upon thisfubjeft I am impatient my fancy's upon the 
 wing already let's fly to him. 
 
 Lady Bet. No, no; ftay till I am juft got out; our 
 going together won't be fo p'roper. 
 
 Lord Fop. As your Ladylhip pleafes, Madam But 
 when this affair is over, you won't forget that I have a 
 certain revenge due. 
 
 Lady K?t. Aye ! aye ! after fupper I am for you Nay 
 you (han't ftir a Hep, my Lord ! [Seeing her to the door. 
 Lord Fop. Only to tell you, you have fixed me yours 
 to the laft exiftenceofmy foui'seternal entity. 
 
 LaJyRct. O, your fen-ant. [Exit. 
 
 Lord Fop. Ha'! ha! itark mad for me, by all that's 
 handfome ! Poor Morelove ! That a follow who has ever 
 been abroad, fhould think a woman of her fpirit is to be 
 taken by a regular fiege, ' as the confederates do towns,' 
 when * fo many of the French fuccefies might have (hewn 
 
 * him' the furelt way is to whifper the governor. ' How 
 ' can a coxcomb give himfelf the fatigue of bombarding 
 
 * a woman's underllanding, when he may with fo much 
 ' eufe make a friend of her coniVitution ' I'll fee if I can 
 fbew him a little French play with Lady Betty let me 
 fee aye, I'll make an end ot it the old way, get her into 
 piquet at her own lodgings not mind one tittle of my 
 play, give her every game before flic's half up, that fhe 
 may judge of the ilfength of my inclination by my hafte 
 of loiing up to her price; then of a fudden, with a fami- 
 liar leer, cry rat piquet fweep counters, cards and mo- 
 ney all upon the floor, & done C off aire eft faitc, \_Exit, 
 
 END of the THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 4 8 THE CARELESS HUSBANP. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE, the Co/lie Terrace. 
 Enter Lady Betty, and Lady Eafy. 
 
 LADY EASY. 
 
 MY dear, you really talk to me as if I were your 
 lover, and not your friend; or elfe I am fo dull, 
 that by all you've faid I can't make the leaft guefs at your 
 real thoughts Can you be ferious for a moment ? 
 
 Lady Bet. Noteafily : but I would do more to oblige 
 you. 
 
 Lady E* Then pray deal ingenuoufiy, and tell me 
 without referve, are you fure you don't love my Lord 
 Morelove ? 
 
 Lady Bet. Then ferioufly I think not But be- 
 
 caufe I won't be pofitive, you fliall judge by the worft of 
 
 my fymptoms Firlt, I own I like his converfation, his 
 
 perfon has neither fault, nor beauty well enough I 
 don't remember I everfecretly wifiied myfelf married to 
 him, or that I everfericully refolved againft it. 
 
 Lady E. Well, fcrfar you are tolerably fafe: But 
 
 come as to his manner of addrelung you, what effect has 
 that had ? 
 
 Lcaly Bet. I am not a little pleafed to obferve few men 
 follow a woman with the fame fatigue and ipirit that he 
 
 decs me am more pk-afed when he lets me ufe him ill ; 
 
 and if ever I have a favourable thought of him, 'tis 
 when I fee he can't bear that ufagc. 
 
 Lady E. Have a care; that laft is a dangerous fymp- 
 
 tom he pleafes your pride, I find. 
 
 Lady Bet. Oh ! perfectly : in that 1 own no mortal 
 
 ever can come up to him. 
 
 Lady E. But now, my dear ! now comes the main 
 
 point Jealoufy ! Are you fure you have never been 
 
 touched with it ? Tell me that with a fafe confcience, and 
 then I pronounce you clear. 
 
 Lady Bet. Nay, then I defy him ; for pofuively I was 
 never jealous in my life. 
 
 Lady E. How, Madam ! have you never been ftirred 
 enough, to think a woman ftrangely forward for being a 
 
 little
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 49 
 
 little familiar in talk with him? Or, are you fure his gal- 
 lantry to another never gave you the leaitdiforder ? Were 
 you never, upon no accident, in an apprehenfion of loling 
 him? 
 
 Lad v Bet. Hah! Why, Madam Blefs me! wh 
 wh why lure you don't calf this jealoufy, my dear ? 
 
 Lar'y K, Nay, nay, that is not the buunefs Have you 
 ever felt any thing of this nature, Madam ? 
 
 Lady Bet. Lord! dcn't be fo haity, my dear any 
 
 thing of this nature O Lud ! I fvvear I don't like it ^ 
 
 dear creature, bring me off here ; for lam half frighted 
 out of my wirs. 
 
 Lady E. Nay, if you can rally upon't, your wound 
 is not over deep, I'm afraid. 
 
 LadyBft. Well, that's comfortably faid, however. 
 
 Lady E. But come to the point How far have you 
 
 been jealous ? 
 
 Lady Bet. Why -O blefs me ! He gave the muficlc 
 
 one night to my Lady Languiih here upon the terrace: 
 and (tho' me and I were very good friends) I remember I 
 could not fpeak to her in a week for't Oh ! 
 
 Lady E. Nay^ now you may laugh if you can : for, 
 
 take my word, the marks are upon you -But come 
 
 what elfe ? 
 
 Lady Bet. O nothing elfe, upon my word, my dear f 
 
 Lady E. Well, one word more, and then I give fen* 
 tence : fuppofe you were heartily convinced, that he ac- 
 tually followed another woman ? 
 
 Lady Bet. But, p/ay, my dear, whatoccafion is there to 
 fuppofe any fuch thing at all ? 
 
 LadyE. Guilty, upon my honour. 
 
 Lady Bet. Pfhaw ! I defy him to fay, that ever I owned 
 any inclination ror him. 
 
 'Lady E. No, but you have given him terrible leave to 
 guels it. 
 
 Lady Bet. If ever you fee us meet again, you'll have 
 but little region to think fo, lean afiure you. 
 
 Lady E. That I fliall fee prefently ; for here comes Sir 
 Charles, and I'm fure my Lord can't be far off. 
 Enter Sir Charles. 
 
 Sir Cba. Servant, Lady Betty my dear, how do 
 
 you do I 
 
 E Lady
 
 $e THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 LadyE. At your fervice, my dear but pray what 
 
 have you done with my Lord Morelove ? 
 
 Lady Ret. Aye, Sir Charles, pray how does your pupil 
 do? Have you any hopes of him r Is he docible ? 
 
 * Sir Cha. Well, jNladam, to confefs your triumph over 
 
 * me, as well as him, I own my hopes of him are loft. I 
 
 * ofter'd what Icou'd to his inftruction, but he is incorri- 
 
 * gibly >" our? 5 a "d undone and the news, I prefume, d\x-s 
 
 * not difpleafe your Ladyfhip. 
 
 1 Lady Bet. Fye, fye, Sir Charles, you difparage your 
 ' friend, I am afraid you don'c take pains with him. 
 
 ' Si" Cha. Ha ! I fancy, Lady Betty, your good-nature 
 
 * won't let you ileep a nights : don't you love dearly to 
 
 * hurt people? 
 
 ' Lady Kct. O ! your fervant : then without a jeir, 
 4 the man is fo unfortunate in his want of patience, that, 
 
 * let me die, if I don't often pity him. 
 
 * S.'r Cha. Ha ! Strange goodneis O that I were your 
 
 * lover for a month or two. 
 
 ' Lady. Bet. What then ! 
 
 * Sir Cha. I wou'd make that pretty heart's blood of 
 
 * yours ake in a fortnight. 
 
 * Lady Bet. Hugh I fhould hate you ; your aflurance 
 ' wou'd make your addrefs intolerable. 
 
 * Sir Cha. I believe it wou'd, tor I'd never addrefs 
 
 * you at all. 
 
 * Lady Bet. O ! you clown you ! 
 
 [Hfttuig b-mtuitb her fan. 
 
 * Sir Cha. Why. what to do r to feed a difealed pride, 
 
 * that's eternally breaking out in the affectation of an 
 
 * ill-nature, that- in my confcience I believe is but 
 
 * affe&ation. 
 
 ' Lady Bet. YOU, nor your friend have no great rea- 
 
 * fon to complain of my fondnefs, I believe. Ha ! 
 ' ha! ha!' 
 
 Sir Cha. [Looking carnejlly on hcr.~\ Thou infolent crea- 
 ture! How can you make a jeft of a man, whole whole 
 Lie's but one continued torment, from your w.-mt of com- 
 mon gratitude ? 
 
 Lady Ect. Torment ! fo *, my part, I really believe him 
 as eafy as you are. 2 
 
 Sir
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 51 
 
 Sir Cba. Poor intolerable affectation ! You know the 
 contrary, you know him blindly yours, you know your 
 power, and the whole pleafure or" your life's the poor and 
 low abufe of it. 
 
 Lady Bet. Pray how do I abufe it if I have any 
 
 power. 
 
 Sir Cba. You drive him to extremes that make him 
 mad, then punifli him for acling againft his reafon 
 you've a hr. oft turned his brain, ' his common judgment 
 ' hiilshirn,' he is now, at this very moment, driven by 
 his defpair upon a project, in hopes to free him from your 
 power, that I am fenlible, and fo mult any one be that has 
 his fenfe, or courfe muft ruin him with you, forever. 
 ' I almoft blufli to think of it, yet your unreafonabie dif- 
 * dain has forced him to it ;' and fhould he now fufpeft I 
 offered but a hint of it to you, and in contempt of his de- 
 fign, I know he'd call my life to anfwer it : but I have no 
 regard to men in madnefs, I rather choofe for once to mill 
 in your good-nature, in hopes the man, whom your un- 
 wary beauty had made miferable, your generality wou'd 
 (corn to make ridiculous. 
 
 Lady Bet. Sir Charles, you charge me very home ; I 
 never had it in my inclination to make any thing ridicu- 
 lous that did not deferve it. Pray, what is this buiinelV 
 you think fo extravagant in him ? 
 
 iSYr Cba. Something fo abfurdly rafh and bold, you'll 
 hardly forgive ev'n me that tell it you. 
 
 Lady Bet. Ofie! If it be a fault, Sir Charles, I (hall 
 confider it as his, not yours. Pray, what is it ? 
 
 ' Lady E. I long to know, methinks.' 
 
 Sir Cha. You may be fure he did not want my diiTua- 
 fions from it. 
 
 Lady Bet. Let's hear it. 
 
 Kir Cba. Why this man, whom I hnve known to love 
 you with fuch excefs of generous defire, whom I have 
 heard in his ecftatic praifes on your beauty talk, till from 
 the foft heat of his diftilling thoughts the tears have 
 fall'n 
 
 Lady Bet. O! Sir Charles [Bl*/bi*g. 
 
 Sir Cha. Nay, grudge not, fince 'tis paft, to hear what 
 
 was (though you contemned it) once his merit : but now 
 
 I own that merit ought to be forgotten. 
 
 E z
 
 $2 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lady Bet. Pray, Sir, be plain. 
 
 Sir Cba. This man, I fay, whofe unhappy paffion ha& 
 fo ill fucceeded with you, at lail has forfeited all his hopes 
 (into which, pardon me, I confefs my friendship had 
 lately flattered him) his hopes of even dei'erving now 
 your lowest pity or regard. 
 
 Lady Set. You amaze me For I can't fuppofe his 
 
 utmoft malice dares aflault my reputation and what 
 
 Sir Cba. No, but he malicioufly prefumes the world 
 will do it for him ; and indeed he has taken no unlikely 
 means to make them bufy with their tongues : for he is 
 this moment upon the open terrace, in the higheft pub- 
 lic gallantry with my Lady Graveairs. ' And to con- 
 vince the world and me, he faid, he was not that tame 
 lover we fancied him, he'd venture to give her in u lie 
 to-night: nay, I heard him, before my face, fpeak to 
 one of the hautboys to engage the reft, and uefired they 
 would all take their directions only from my Lady 
 Graveairs.' 
 Lady Bet. My Lady Graveairs ! truly I think my 
 
 Lord's very much in the right on't for my part, Sir 
 
 Charles, I don't fee anything in this that's fo very ridicu- 
 lous, nor indeed that ought to make me think either the 
 better or the worfe of him for't. 
 
 i>r Cb'i. Pfhaw ! Pfhaw! Madam, you and I know 
 *ti? not in his power to renounce you ; this is but the 
 poor difguife of a refenting paffion, vainly ruffled to a 
 jlorm, which the leart gentle look from you can reconcile 
 ut will, and laugh into a calm again. 
 
 Lady Ret. Indeed, Sir Charles, I {han't give myfelf 
 that trouble, 1 believe. 
 
 Sir Cba. So I told hrm, Madam : are not all your 
 complaints, faid I, already owing to her pride ; and can 
 you fuppofe this public defiance of it (which you know 
 you can't make good too) won't incenfe her more againil 
 
 you ? That's what I'd ha^e, faid he, flaring wildly ; 
 
 I care not what becomes of me, fo I but live to fee her 
 piqued at it. 
 
 Lady Bet. Upon my word. I fancy my Lord will find 
 himieif miftaken I fhan't be piqued, I believe I muft 
 firft have a value for the thing I lofe, before it piques me : 
 piqued ! ha ! ha ! ha ! {Difordcrcd. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. $3. 
 
 Sir Cba. Madam, you've faid the very thing I urged 
 to him ; I know her temper fo well, faid I, that though, 
 fhe doated on you, if you once ftood out againft her r 
 fhe'd fooner burit than fliew the leaft motion of un- 
 ealinefs. 
 
 Lady Bt't. I can aflure you, Sir Charles, my Lord won'c 
 find himfeli deceived in your opinion piqued ! 
 
 Sir Cba. She has it. \Afide. 
 
 ' Lady E. Alas, poor woman ! how little do our paf- 
 
 * fions make us !' 
 
 La.iy Bet. Not but I would advife him to have a little 
 regard to my reputation in this buiinefs ; I would have 
 him take heed of publicly affronting me. 
 
 Sir Cba. Uighr, Madam, that's what I ftriftly warned 
 him of ; for, among friends, whenever the world fees him 
 follow another woman, the malicious tea-tables will be ve- 
 ry apt to be free with your l.idj lliip. 
 
 Lady Ret. I'd have him coniider thar, methinks. 
 
 Sir Cba. But, alas! Madam, 'tis not in his power to 
 think with realon ; his mad refentment has deftroyed even 
 his principles of common ho nelly ; he conliders nothing 
 b.ita fenleleis proud revenge, which in his lit of lunacy 
 'tis impoilible ih.it either threats or danger can diiliiade 
 h;ra Horn. 
 
 Lad'; Bet. What! dees he defy me, threaten met 
 the:i he fir.all fee, that I have pallions too, and know, as- 
 well as he, to il.r my heart agaiiill any pride that dares in- 
 fult mo. Does he fuppofe I fear him t Fear the little ma- 
 lice of a (lighted paffi >n, that my o;vn fcorn has (King into- 
 adefpifedrelentment ! Fear him ! O! it provokes Jne to 
 think he dare have fucli a thought ! 
 
 J..a,<y E, Dear creature, don't diforder yourfelf fo. 
 
 J^arly Bet. Let me but live to fee Iv.m once more with- 
 in my power, and I'll forgive the reft of fortune. 
 
 Lady E. * Well I am certainly very ill-natured ; for 
 though I fee this news has dilturbed my friend, I can't 
 
 * ht Ip being pleafed with any hopes of my Lady Grave - 
 ' airs being otherwife difpoied of.' [AJtde.] My dear, I 
 am afraid you have provoked her a little too far. 
 
 Sir Cha. Oh ! not at all You (hall fee -I'll fweetepi 
 
 her, and flie'li cool like a difli of tea. 
 E 3
 
 54 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Lady Bet. I may fee him with his complaining face 
 again 
 
 SirCba. I am forry, Madam, you fo wrongly judge of 
 what I've told you ; I was in hopes to have llirred your 
 pity, not your anger: I little thought your generofity 
 would pun'ifh him for fault?, which you yourfelf reiblved 
 
 he fliould commit Yonder he comes, and all the 
 
 world with him : might I advife you, Madam v you fliould 
 
 not refent the thing at all 1 would not fo much as 
 
 fey to fee him in his fault ; nay, I'd be the lalt that 
 heard of it : nothing can fting him more, or fo juftly pu- 
 nifli his folly as your utter neglect of it. 
 
 Lady E.'Come, dear creature, be perfuaded, and go 
 home with me ? Indeed it will {hew more indifference to 
 avoid him. 
 
 Lady Bet, No, Madam, I'll oblige his vanity for 
 once, and {lay to let him fee how ftrangely he has piqued 
 me. 
 
 Sir Cba. {AJide.~\ O not at all to fpeak of; you had as 
 good part with a little of that pride of yours, or I fliall 
 yet make it a very troublefome companion to you. 
 
 [Goes from them anJivbifpers Z.0/Y/ Morelove. 
 Enter Lord Foppington ; a little after, Lord Morelove, 
 and Lady Graveairs. 
 
 Lord Top. Ladies, your fervant O! we have wanted 
 you beyond reparation fuch diverfion ! 
 
 Lady Bet. Well ! my Lord ! have you feen my Lord 
 Morelove ? 
 
 LorilFcp. Seen him ! ha ! ha ! ha ! O ! I have fuch 
 things to tell you, Madam you'll die 
 
 Lady Bet. O pray let's hear them, I was never in a 
 better humour to receive them. 
 
 Lord Fop. Hark you. [TkefwbiAer* 
 
 LordMor. So, {he's engag'd already. [To 6/V Cha. 
 
 Kir Cba. So much the better; make but ajult advan 
 tase of my fuccefs, and {he's undone. 
 
 t*15f j Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Lady Bet. } 
 
 Sir Cba. You fee already what ridiculous pains Ihe is 
 taking to f:'r your iealoufy, and cover her own. 
 LordFc.p. | Ha , , , 
 L&!) Bet. \ 
 
 Lr2
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 55 
 
 Lord Mor. O never fear me ; for, upon my word, it 
 now appears ridiculous even to me. 
 
 Sir Cba. And, hark you [Whifpen Z.<vWMore 
 
 Lady Bet, And fo the widow was as full of airs as h ; a 
 lordfhip > 
 
 Sir Cba. Only obferve that, and it is impoffible you caa 
 fail. \AJtie. 
 
 Lord Mor. Dear Charles, you have convinced me, and 
 I thank you. 
 
 Lady Gra. My Lord Morelove ! What, do you leave 
 us ? 
 
 Lord Mor. Ten thoufand pardons^ Madam, I was but 
 j uit 
 
 Lady Gra. Nay, nay, noexcufes, my Lord, foyou will 
 but let us have you again. 
 
 Sir Cba, \_4fide to Lady Graveairs.] I fee you have 
 good humour, Madam, when you like your company. 
 
 Lady Gra. And you, I fee, for all your mighty thirftof 
 dominion, could iloop to be obedient, if one thought it 
 worth one's while to make you fo. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ha ! power would make her an admirable 
 tyrant. [ AJtde. 
 
 Lady E. [Ol'ferving Sir Charles and Lady Graveairs.} 
 So! there's another couple have quarrelled too, I find 
 Thofe airs to my Lord Morelove, look as if defigned to 
 recover Sir Charles into jea'.oufy : I'll endeavour to join, 
 the company, and it may be, that will let me into the 
 ficret. [Ajiile.] My Lord Foppington, I vow this is very 
 uncomplaifant, to engrofs fo agreeable a part of the com- 
 pany to yourfelf. 
 
 Sir ( ba. Nay, my Lord, this is not fair, indeed, to en- 
 ter into fecrets among friends ! Ladies, what fay you ? 
 
 I think we ought to declare againft it. 
 
 Lady Bet. Well, ladies, I ought only to afk your par- 
 don : my Lord's excufable, for I would haul him into a 
 corner. 
 
 Lord Fop. I fwear 'tis very hard, ho! I obferve, two 
 people of extreme condition can no fooner grow particu- 
 lar, but the multitude of both fexes are immediately up, 
 and think their properties invaded 
 
 Lady Bet. Odious multitude 
 
 Lord Fop. Perifli the canaille* 
 
 Lady
 
 5 6 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 LadyGra. O, my Lord, \ve women have all reafon t 
 be jealous of Lady Betty Modifh's power. 
 
 Lord Mor. [ To Lady Betty.] As the men, Madam, all 
 have of my Lord Foppington ; befides, favourites of great 
 merit difcourage thole of an inferior clafs for their prince's 
 fervice ; he has already loft you one of your retinue, 
 Madam. 
 
 Lady Bet. Not at all, my Lord ; he has only made 
 room for another : one muft fometimes make vacancies, or 
 there could be no preferments. 
 
 Lady E. Ha! ha! Ladies favours, my Lord, like 
 places at court, are not always held for life, you know. 
 
 Lady Bet. No, indeed ! if they were, the poor fine 
 women would be always ufed like their wives, and no 
 more minded than the bufinefs of the nation. 
 
 Lady E. Have a care, Madam : an undeferving fa- 
 vourite has been the ruin ot many a prince's empire. 
 
 Lord Yop. Ha ! ha ! Upon my foul, Lady Betty, we 
 muft grow more difcreet ; for positively if we go on at 
 this rate, we fhall have the world throw you under the 
 fcandal of conftancy ; and I fhall have all the fwords of 
 condition at my throat fora monopolift. 
 
 Lord-Mor. O ! there's no great fear of that, my Lord; 
 though the men of fenfe gne it over, there will be always 
 fome idle fellows vain enough to believe their merit may 
 fucceed as well as your Lordfhip's. 
 
 Lady Bet. Or if they fliould not, my Lord, caft-lovers, 
 you know, reed not fear being long out of employment, 
 while there are fo many well-difpofed people in the 
 
 world There are generally neglected wives, ftale 
 
 maids, or charitable widows, always ready to relieve the 
 
 neceffities of a difappointedpaffion and, by the way, 
 
 hark you, Sir Charles 
 
 * Lord Mor. \4fide.'\ So ! flic's ftirr'd, I fee ; for all 
 
 * her pains to hide it flie would hardly have glanced 
 
 * an affront at a woman flie was not piqued at.' 
 
 Lady Gra. \_Aftdc.~\ That wit was thrown at me, I fup- 
 pofe ; but I'll return it. 
 
 Lady Bet. \Softly to Sir Charles.] Pray, how come you 
 all<his while to truft your miftrefs fo eafily ? 
 
 SirCba. One is not fo apt, Madam, to be alarmed at 
 the liberties of an old acquaintance, as ptrhaps vour La- 
 
 dyfl.ip
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. . ST 
 
 dyfhip ought to be at the refentment of an hard-ufed, ho- 
 nourable lover. 
 
 Lady Pet. Suppofe I were alarmed, how does that make 
 you eafy ? 
 
 SlrCba. Come, come, be wife at laft ; my tmfting 
 them together, may eafily convince you, that, (as I told 
 you before,) I know his.addrefles to her are only outward, 
 and it will be your fault now, if you let him go on till 
 the world thinks him in earneft ; and a thoufand bufy 
 tongues are fet upon malicious inquiries into your repu- 
 tation. 
 
 Lady J3ct. Why, Sir Charles, do you fuppofe, while he 
 behaves himfelf as he does, that I won't convince him o 
 my indifference ? 
 
 Sir Cha. But hear me, Madam 
 
 LadyGra, {Afide.~\ The air of that whifper looks as if 
 the lady had a mind to be making her peace again ; and 
 'tis poffible, his worfhip's being i'o bufy in the matter too, 
 may proceed as much from his jealoufy of my Lord with 
 me, as friendlhip to her ; at leaft I fancy fo : therefore 
 I'm refolved to keep her ftill piqued, and prevent it, 
 
 though it be only to gall him Sir Charles, that is not 
 
 fair to take a privilege you juft now declared againft in my 
 Lord Foppington. 
 
 Lord Mor. Well obferved, Madam. 
 
 Lady Gra. Befides, it looks fo affeded to vvh'ifper, 
 when every body guefles the fecret. 
 
 LordMor. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. O ! Madam, your pardon in particular : but 
 it is poffible you may be miftaken: the fecrets of people 
 that have any regard to their actions, are not fo foon 
 gueffed, as theirs that have made a confidant of the whole 
 town. 
 
 Lord fop. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 LadyGra. A coquette in her affe&ed airs of difdain to 
 a revolted lover, I'm afraid muft exceed your Ladyfhip 
 in prudence, not to let the world fee, at the fame time, 
 flie'd give her eyes to make her peace with him : Ha ! ha ! 
 
 LordMor. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Lady Bet. 'Twould be a mortification, indeed, if it 
 were in the power of a fading widow's charms to prevent 
 it \ and the man muft be miferably reduced, fure, that 
 
 could
 
 5$ THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 could bear to live buried in woolen, or take up with the 
 motherly comforts of a Iwan-fkin petticoat. Ha ! ha ! 
 Lord Fop. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Gra. Widows, it feems, are not fo fqueamifh to 
 their intereft; they know their own minds, and take the 
 man they like, though it happens to be one that a froward, 
 vain girl has difobliged, and is pining to be friends with. 
 
 LordMor. Nay, though it happens to be one that con- 
 fefles he once was fond of a piece of folly, and afterwards 
 afhamed on't. 
 
 Lady Bet. Nay, my Lord, there's no Handing againft 
 two ot you. 
 
 Lord Fop. No, faith, that's odds at tennis, my Lord r 
 not but if your Ladyihip pleaies, I'll endeavour to keep 
 your back-hand a little ; though upon my foul you may 
 fafeiy let me up at the line : tor, knock me down, if ever 
 I faw a reft of wit better played, than that laft, in my life 
 
 What fay you, Madam, fhall we engage ? 
 
 Lady Ret. As you pleafe, my Lord. 
 Lord Fop. Ha! ha! ha! Allans ! tout de l>on jouer, mi 
 Lor. 
 
 Lord Mor. O pardon sne, Sir, I fhall never think my- 
 fdf in any thing a match for the lady. 
 Lord Fop. To you, Madam. 
 
 Lady Bet. That's much, my Lord, when the world 
 knows you ha^e been fo many years teazing me to play 
 the fuel with you. 
 
 Lord Fop, /ih ! bicnjr.ue, Ha! ha! ha! 
 LordMor. At that game, I confefs your Ladyfhip has 
 chofen a much properer perfon to improve your hand 
 with. 
 
 Lord Fop. Tome, Madam My Lord, I prefume 
 
 whoever the lady thinks fit to phiy the fool with, will at 
 lead be able to give as much envy as the wife perfon 
 that had not wit enough to keep well with her when he 
 was fo. 
 
 Lady Gra. O ! my Lord ! Both parties muft needs be 
 greatly happy ; for I dare fwear, neither will have any ri- 
 vals todifturb them. 
 LordMor. Ha! ha! 
 
 Lady Bet. None that will diiturb them, I dare fwear. 
 Lord Ftp. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Lord
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 59 
 
 Lord Mor. ~) 
 
 Lady Gra. \ Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. \ 
 
 6Vr Cba. I don't know, gentlefolks but you are all 
 
 in extreme good humour, methinks, I hope there's none 
 of it affected. 
 
 Lady JL. I fhou'd be lo;;h to anfwer for any but "my 
 Lord Foppington. [AJide, 
 
 Lady Bet. Mine is not, I'll fxvear. 
 
 Lord Mor. Nor mine, I'm fure. 
 
 Lady Gra. Mine's fincere, depend upon'r. 
 
 Lord Fcp. And may the eternal frowns of the whole fex 
 doubly deram % if mine is not. 
 
 Lay E. Well, good people, I am might}- glad to hear 
 it. You have all performed extremely well : but if you 
 pleafe, you fhall ev'n give over your wit now, while it is 
 well. 
 
 Lady Bet. [To berfelf.} Now I fee his humour, I'll 
 (land it out, if I were fure to die for'r. 
 
 Sir Cba. You fliou'd not have proceeded fo far with 
 my Lord Foppington, after what I had told you. 
 
 [Ajid'eto Lady Betty. 
 
 Lady Bet. Pray, Sir Charles give me leave to under- 
 hand myfelf a little. 
 
 Sir Cba. Your p.irdon, M^dum. I thought a right 
 undtrftandingwou'dhave been for both yjur intereil aiid 
 reputation. 
 
 Ltdy Bet. For his perhaps. 
 
 Sir Cba. Nay, then, Madam, it's time forme to take 
 care of my friend. 
 
 Lady Bet. I never, in the leaft, doubted your friend- 
 fliip to him in any thing that was to fhew yourfelf my 
 enemy. 
 
 birCba. Siuce I fee, M/tdam, you have fo ungrateful a 
 fenfeof my Lord Morelove's merit, and my tervioe, I 
 (hall never be afh.imed of ufm^ my p.vA'er henceforth to 
 keep him entirelyout of your ladyfliip's. 
 
 Lady Bet. Was ever any thing fo infolent ! I could 
 find in my heart to run the hazard of a downright com- 
 pliance, if it were only to convince him, that my power, 
 perhaps, is not inferior to his. [to b erf df. 
 
 Lady
 
 6o THE CARELESS HUSBAND, 
 
 Lady E. My Lord Foppington, I think you generally 
 lead the company upon thefe occafions. Pray will you 
 think of fome prettier fort of diverlion for us, than parties 
 and whifpers ? 
 
 Lord Fop. What fay you, Ladies, fliall we ftep and fee 
 what's done at the ballet-table ? 
 
 Lath Bet. With all my heart ; Lady Eafy 
 
 Lady E. I think 'tis the beft thing we can do, and be- 
 cauie we won't part to-night, you fliall all fup where you 
 dined What fay you, my Lord ? 
 
 LordMor. Your Ladyfliip may be fure of me, Madam. 
 
 Lord Fop. Aye! aye! we'll all come. 
 
 Lady j. Then pray let's change parties a little. My 
 Lord Foppington, you fnall 'fqiure me. 
 
 Lord Vop. O ! you do me honour, Madam. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord Morelove, pray let me fpeak with 
 you. 
 
 Lord Mor. Me, Madam ? 
 
 Lady Bet. If you plcafe, my Lord. 
 
 Lord Mor. Ha ! that look Ihot through me ? What 
 can this mean ? [Jjide. 
 
 Lady Bet. This is no proper place to tell you what it 
 is, but there is one thing I'd fain be truly anfwered in : 
 I fuppofe you'll be at my Lady Eafy's by and by, and if 
 you'll give me leave there 
 
 Lord Mor. If you pleafe to do me that honour, Ma- 
 dam, I fnall certainly be there. 
 
 La^y Bet. That's all, my Lord. 
 
 LordMor. Is not your Ladyfliip for walking ? 
 
 Lady Bet. If your Lordfliip dares venture with me. 
 
 Lord Mor. Oi Madam! [ Taking be r band. ] How my 
 heart dances ! what heav'nly murk's in her voice, when 
 foftened intokindnefs. \_Afidt. 
 
 LaJy Bet. Ha ! his hand trembles Sir Charles may 
 
 be rrrittaken. 
 
 Lord Fop. My Lady Graveairs, you won't let Sir 
 
 Charles leave us ? [Exeutii. 
 
 [MancntSir Charles and Lady Graveairs. 
 
 LadyGra. No, my Lord, we'll follow you flay a 
 
 little. \ToSir Charles. 
 
 Sir Cba, I thought your Lady (hip defigned to follow 
 them. 
 
 Lady
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 6r 
 
 Lady Gra. Perhaps I'd fpeak with you. 
 Sir Cba. But, Madam, confider, we fhall certainly be 
 ebferred. 
 
 LadyGi-a. Lord, Sir, if you think it fuch a favour. 
 
 [ Exit haftily* 
 Sir Cba. Is flie gone ! let her go, c. [Exitfaging* 
 
 END of the FOURTH ACT. 
 
 ACT V, 
 
 SCENE continues. 
 Enter Sir Charles, and Lord Morelove 
 
 SIR CHARLES. 
 
 COME a little this way My Lady Graveairs had 
 an eye upon me as I ftole off, and I'm apprehenfive 
 will make ufeof any opportunity to talk with me. 
 
 Lord Mar. O! we are pretty fafe here Well, you 
 
 were fpeaking of Lady Betty. 
 
 Sir Cba. Aye, my Lord 1 fay, notwithstanding all 
 
 this fudden change of her, behaviour, I wou'd not have 
 you yet be too lecure of her< * for, betweeigyou and I, 
 
 * iince I told you, I have profefled myielf" an open ene- 
 
 * my to her power with you, 'tis not impoffible but this 
 4 new air of good humour may very much proceed from 
 
 * a little woman's pride, of convincing me you are not yet 
 
 * out of her power, 
 
 LordMor. Not unlikely. But {fill, can we make no 
 
 * ad van rave of it ? 
 
 * Sir Cba. That's what I have been thinking of 
 
 * look you -Death ! my Lady Graveairs ! 
 
 1 Lord Mar. Ha ! {he will have audience, I find. 
 
 * Sir Cba. There's no avoiding her the truth is, 
 I have owed her a little good nature a great while 
 
 I fee there is but one way of getting rid of her I 
 1 muft even appoint her a day of payment at laft.' If 
 you'll ftep into my lodgings, my Lord, I'll juft give her 
 an anfwcr, and be with you in a moment. 
 
 Lord Mor, Very well I'll ftay there for you. 
 
 [Exit Lord Morelore. 
 F
 
 t THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Enter Lady Graveairs on the other Jide. 
 Lady Gra. Sir Charles ! 
 
 Sir Cba. Come, come, no more of thefe reproachful 
 looks ; you'll find, Madam, I have deferved better of you 
 
 than your jealoufy imagines Is it a fault to be tender 
 
 of your reputation ? fye, fye This may be a pro- 
 per time to talk, and of my contriving too you lee I 
 
 juft nowfhook off my Lord Morelove on purpofe. 
 Lady Gra. May I believe you ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Srill doubting my fidelity, and mistaking my 
 discretion for want of good-nature. 
 
 * Lady Gra. Don't think me tronblefome For I 
 
 confefs 'tis death to think of parting with you : fince 
 the world fees for you I hare neglected friends and re- 
 putation, have flood the little infults ordifda'nful prudes, 
 that envied me perhaps your friendfliip ; have borne 
 the freezing looks of Rear and general acquaintance 
 Since this is fo don't le: them ridicule me too, and lay 
 my foolifh vanity undid me ? Don't let them point at me 
 as a caftmiftrefs. 
 
 ' Sir Cba. You wrong me, to fuppofe the thought: 
 ' you'll have better of me when we meet :' Whtn ftiall 
 you be at leifure ? 
 
 LedyQga. I confefs, I would ft-e you once again ; if 
 what I have more to fay prove ineffectual, perhaps it may 
 convince me then, 'tis my interetf to part with you Can 
 you con e to-night ? 
 
 Sir Cba. You know we have company, and I'm atraid 
 they'll iiay too late Can't it be before lupper r What'-s 
 o'clock now ? 
 
 Lady Gra. It's almoft fix. 
 
 Sir Cba. At feven then be fure of me, till when I'd 
 have you go back to the ladies, to avoid iufpicion, and 
 about that time have the vapours. 
 
 Lady Gra. May I depend upon you ? [Exit. 
 
 Sir Cba. Depend on everything A very troublefome 
 
 bufinefs, this Send me once fairly rid on't if ever I'm 
 
 caught in an honourable affair again ! A debt now that 
 
 a little ready civility, and away, would fatisty, a man 
 
 might bear with ; but to have a rent-charge upon one's 
 
 good-nature, with an unconicionable long fcrollof arrears 
 
 too, that would eat out ihe profits -of the bell eftate in 
 
 Z chriften-
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 63 
 
 Chriftcndom ah intolerable ! Well ! I'll even to my 
 Lord, and fliake off the thoughts on't. [Exit. 
 
 * Enter Lady Betty and Lady Eafy. 
 ' Lady Bet I obferve, my dear, you have ufually 
 
 * this great fortune at play, it were enough to make 
 ' one fufpect your good luck with an-hufband. 
 
 * Lady Eafy. Truly I don't complain of my for- 
 ' tune either way. 
 
 ' Lady Bet. IVythee tell me, you are often advifmg 
 
 * me to it ; are there thofe real comfortable advantages 
 
 * in marriage, that our old aunts and grandmothers would 
 
 * perfuade us of? 
 
 * La : !y Eafy. Upon my word, if I had the worft huf- 
 
 * band in the world, I fliould itill think fo. 
 
 ' Lady Betty. Ay, but then the hazard of not having 
 1 a good one, my dear. 
 
 * Lady Eafy. You may have a good one, I dare fay, 
 ' if you don't give airs till you fpoil him. 
 
 ' Lady Bet. Can there be the fame dear, full delight 
 ' in giving eafe, as pain ? Oh, my deae, the thought 
 
 * of parting with one's power is infupportable. 
 
 * Lady Eafy. And the keeping it, till it dwindles 
 ' into no power at all, is mod ruefully foolifti. 
 
 * Lady Bet. But flill to marry before one's heartily 
 
 * in love 
 
 * Lady Eafy. Is not half fo formidable a calamity 
 
 * but if I have any eyes, my dear, you'll run no great 
 
 * hazard of that in venturing on my lord Morelove 
 
 You don't know, perhaps, that within this half hour 
 
 * the tone of your voice is ftrangely foftened to him : 
 
 * ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Lady Bet. My dear, you are positively, one or 
 other, the mod cenforious creature in the world 
 
 * and fo I fee it's in vain to talk with you P fa y 
 
 will you go back to the company ? 
 
 Lady Eafy. Ah ! Poor lady Betty ! [Exeunt.* 
 
 The SCENE changes to Sir Charles'/ Lodgings. 
 
 Enter Sir Charles, and Lord Morelove. 
 Lord More. Charles, you have tranfported me ! you 
 have made my part in the fcene fo very eafy too, 'tis 
 impollible I ftiould fail in it. 
 
 F 2 */r
 
 64 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Sir Cba. That's what I confidered ; for now the more 
 you throw yourielf into her power, the more I fhall be 
 able to force her into your's. 
 
 Lord More, After all, (begging the ladies pardon) your 
 fine women, like bullies, are only flout when they know 
 their men: a man, of an honeft courage may fright 'em 
 into any thing ! Well, I am fully inltructed, and will 
 about itinftantly Won't you go along with me? 
 
 SirCha. That may not be fo proper; befides, I 
 
 have a little bufinefs upon my hands. 
 
 Lord More. Oh, your fervant, SirGood by to you 
 - you fiian't ftir. 
 
 Sir Cha. My Lord, your fervant [Exit Lor.l Mor.] 
 So ! now to difpofe myfelf, ? till 'tis time to think of my 
 Lady Graveairs Umph ! I have no great maw to that 
 bufinefs, methinks -I don't find myfelf in humour enough 
 to come up to the civil things that are ufually expelled 
 
 in the making up of an old quarrel [Edging crojjes tfo 
 
 ftage.] There goes a warmer temptation by half; 
 
 Ha ! into my wife's bedchamber too I queflion if the 
 jade has any great bufinefs there ! I have a fancy {he 
 has only a mind to be taking the opportunity of no 
 body's being at home, to make her peace with me let 
 me fee aye, I fhall have time enough to go to her 
 ladyfiiip afterwards Befides, I want a little fleep, I 
 
 find Your young fops may talk of their women of 
 
 quality- but to me now, there's a ilrange agreeable 
 convenience in a creature one is not obliged to fay much 
 to upon thefe occafions. \Going 
 
 Enter Edging. 
 
 Etlg. Did you call me, Sir ? 
 
 SirCba. Ha! all's right [JJJe.] -Yes, Madam, I 
 did call you. [Sits JDVJX. 
 
 Edg. What would you pleafe to have, Sir ? 
 Sir Cha. Have ! Why, I would have you grow a good 
 girl, and know when you are well iifed, hufly. 
 Edg. Sir, I don't complain of any thing, not I. 
 &'r Cba. Well, don't be uneafy I am not angry with 
 
 you now Come and kifs me. 
 
 EJg. Lard, Sir! 
 
 SirCha. Don't be a fool, now Come hither. 
 
 </. Pfhaw - [Goes to him. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 6$ 
 
 Sir Cha. No wry face >fo lit down. I won't have 
 you look grave neither, let me fee you fmile, you jade, 
 you. 
 
 E.dg. Ha ! ha ! [Laughs and blujbes. 
 
 Sir Cha. Ah ! you melting rogue. 
 
 E.dg. Come, don't you be at your tricks now- 
 Lard ! can't you fit ftill and talk with one ! I am fure 
 there's ten times more love in that, and fifty times the 
 fatisfaftiou, people may fay what they will. 
 
 Sir Cha. Well ! now you're good, you (hall have your 
 own way I am going to lie down in the next room ; 
 and, fince you love a little chat, come and throw my 
 night gown over me, and you mail talk me to deep. 
 
 [Exit Sir Charles. 
 f, I iee helil 
 
 Edge. Ye?, Sir for all his way, I iee he likes me 
 
 ftill. [Exit after him. 
 
 The SCENE changes to the Tcrafs. 
 
 F.ntcr La fiy Betty, Lady Eafy, and Lord Morelove. 
 
 Lord Mor. Nav, Madam, there you are too feverc 
 upon him; for Dating now and then a little vanity, my 
 lord Foppington does not want wit fometimes to make 
 him a very tolerable woman's man. 
 
 Lady Bet. But fuch eternal vanity grows tirefome. 
 
 La<ly Ectfy. Come, if he were not fo loofe in his mo- 
 ral?, his vanity methinks might be ralily excufed, con- 
 iklfring how much 'tis in hiihion : for pray observe what's 
 hull the converfation ot moll of the fine young people 
 about town, but a perpetual affectation of appearing 
 foremcft in the knowledge of manners, new modes, and 
 {can da 1 ? and in that 1 don't ice any body corner up to 
 him. 
 
 Lord Mor. Nor I, indeed and here he comes 
 
 Pray, Madam, let's have a little more of him ; nobody 
 ihews him to more advantage than your ladyfhip. 
 
 Lady Bet. Nay, with all my heart ; you'll fecond me, 
 my Lord. 
 
 Lord Mor. Upon occafion, Madam 
 
 Lady Eajy. Engaging upon parties, my Lord ? 
 
 [Afide andjmiling to Lord Mor. 
 Enter Z.0n/Foppington. 
 
 Lord Fop. So ladies ! what's the affair now ? 
 
 Lady Eft, Why you were, my Lord! I was allowing 
 F 3 ' you
 
 66 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 you a great many good qualities, but lady Eafy fays you 
 are a perfect hypocrite : and that whatever airs you give 
 yourfelf to the women, (he's confident you value no wo- 
 man in the world equal to your own lady. 
 
 Lor it Fop. You fee, Madam, how I am fcandalized 
 upon your account. But it's fo natural for a prude to be 
 malicious, when a man endeavours to be well with any 
 body but herfelf ; did you ever oblerve ftje was piqued at 
 that before ? ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. I'll fwear you are a provoking creature. 
 
 Lord Fop. Let's be more familiar upon't, and give her 
 iiforder! Ha! ha! 
 
 LaJyBet. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Lord fop. Stap my breath, but lady Eafy is an ad- 
 mirable difcoverer Marriage is indeed a prodigious fe- 
 curity of one's inclination : a man's likely to take a world 
 of pains in an employment, where he can't be turned 
 out for his idlenefs. 
 
 Lady Set. I vow, my Lord, that's vaftly generous to 
 all the fine women; you are for giving them a defpotic 
 power in love, I fee, to reward and punifli as they think 
 fit. 
 
 Lord Fop. Ha ! ha ! Right, Madam, what fignifies 
 beauty without power? And a fine woman when ihe's 
 married makes as ridiculous a figure, as a beaten gene- 
 ral marching out of a garrifon. 
 
 Lady Eafy. I'm afraid, Lady Betty, the greateft danger 
 in your ufe of power, would be from a too heedlefs libe- 
 rality ; you would more mind the man than his merit. 
 
 Lord Fnp. Piqued again, by all that's fretful Well, 
 certainly to give envy is a pleasure inexpreffible. 
 
 [To Lady Betty. 
 
 Lady Bet. Ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Eafy. Does not (he fhow him well, my Lord ? 
 
 [Afide to LordMor. 
 
 LordMer. Perfe&ly, and me to myfelf - For now I 
 almoft blufh to think I ever was uneafy at him. 
 
 Lord Fop. Lady Eafy, I afk ten thoufand pardons, I'm 
 afraid I am rude all this while. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Oh, not at all, my Lord, you are always 
 good company, when you pleafe ; not but in feme things. 
 
 indeed
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 67 
 
 indeed, you are apt to be like other fine gentlemen, a 
 little too loofe in your principles. 
 
 Lord Fop. Oh, Madam, never to the offence of the 
 ladies; I agree in any community with them ; nobody 
 is a more conftant churchman, when the fine women are 
 there. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Oh rye, my Lord, you ought not to go 
 for their fakes at all. And I wonder, you that are for 
 being fuch a good hufband of your virtues, are not afraid 
 of bringing your prudence into a lampoon or a play. 
 
 Lady Betty. Lampoons and plays, Madam, are only 
 things to be laughed at. 
 
 Lord Fop. Odib ! Ladies, the court's coming home, I 
 fee ; fliall not we make our bows ? 
 
 Lady Bet. Oh, by all means. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Lady'Betty, I muft leave you : for I am 
 obliged to write letters, and I know you won't give me 
 time after fupper. 
 
 Lady Bet. Well, my dear, I'll make a fhort vifit and 
 be with you. [Exit Ladv Eafy.] Pray what's become of 
 my lady Graveairs ? 
 
 LordMor. Oh, I believe (he's gone home, Madam, {he 
 feemed not to be very well. 
 
 Lord Fop. And where's Sir Charles, my Lord ? 
 
 Lord More. I left him at his own lodgings. 
 
 Lady Bet. He's upon fome ramble, I'm afraid. 
 
 Lord Fop. Nay, as for that matter, a man may ramble 
 at home fometimes But here ccme the chaifes, we muft 
 make a little more hatfe, Madam. [Exeunt ^ 
 
 The SCENE changes to Sir Charlea'j Lodging*. 
 
 Enter Lady Eafy, and a Servant. 
 
 Lady Eafy. Is your maiter come home ? 
 
 Serv. Yes, Madam. 
 
 Lady Eafy. Where is he ? 
 
 Serv. I believe, Madam, he's laid down to flecp. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Where's Edging? Bid her get me fome 
 
 wax and paper iby, it's no matter, now I think on 
 
 it there's forue above upon my toillette * [Ex. fever ally.
 
 68 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 The SCENE opens and difcoven Sir Charles without his 
 Periwig^ and Edging by him, loth ajlcep in tivo eajy 
 Chairs. 
 
 y/jen enter Lady Eafy, ivbo Jlarts and trembles, f,me time 
 
 unable tofpcak, 
 
 Lady Eafy. Ha ! protect me, virtue, patience, reafon ! 
 Teach me to bear this killing light, or let 
 Me think my dreaming fenfes are deceiv'd ! 
 For fure a fight like this, might raife the arm 
 Of duty, ev'n to the bread of love ! At leail 
 I'll throw this vizor of my patience off: 
 Now wake him in his guilt, 
 And barefac'd front him with my wrongs. 
 I'll talk to him tiil heblufhes, nay, till he 
 Frowns on me, perhaps -and then 
 I'm loit again The eafe of a few tears 
 Is all that's left to me 
 And duty too forbids me to infulr, 
 When I have vow'd obedience Perhaps 
 The fault's in me, and nature has not form'd 
 Me with the thoufand little requifites 
 That warm the heart to V"e 
 
 Somewhere there is a fault 
 
 But Heav'n beft knows what both of us deferve : 
 Ha ! bare headed, and in fo found a fleep-! 
 Who knows, while thus espos'd to th' unwholfome air, 
 But Heav'n offended may o'ertake his crime, 
 And, in fame languishing diftemper, leave him 
 A fevere example of its violated laws 
 Forbid it mercy, and forbid it love. 
 This may prevent it. 
 
 [Takes a Steink.rk off her rr, and lays itgtntly on. his head* 
 
 And if he Should wake offended at my too buiV care, let 
 
 my heart-breaking patience, duty, and my fond affection 
 
 plead my pardon . [ Exit. 
 
 \_AfterJks has been out fame t:'me, a bell rings ; 
 
 Edging wakes and Jin s Sir Charles. 
 
 Edg. Oh ! 
 
 Sir Cha. How now ! what's the matter ? 
 
 Edg. Oh, blefs my foul, my lady's come home. 
 
 Sir Cha, Go, go then, \Bdlrings.
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 6> 
 
 Eag. Oh, lud! My head's in fuch a condition too. 
 [Runs to the glafs.~\ I am coming, Madam Oh, lad ! 
 
 here's no powder neither Here, Madam. {Exit, 
 
 SlrCha. How now? [feeling the Steinkirk upon hh bad.} 
 What's this ? How came it here ? [Puts on bis wig.'] 
 
 Did not I fee my wife wear this to-day ? ' Death ! 
 
 (lie can't have been here, fure It could not be jea- 
 loufy that brought her home for my coming was -ac- 
 cidental fo too, I fear, might hers How carelefs 
 have I been ? not to fecure the door neither 'Twas 
 foolifh It muft be fo ! She certainly has feen me here 
 fleeping with her woman : if fo, 'how low an hypo- 
 crite to her muft that fight have proved me ? The 
 thought has made me deipicable ey'n to myfelf How 
 mean a vice is lying, and how often have thefe empty 
 pleafures lulled my honour and my confcience to le- 
 thargy, while I grofsly have Jibufed her, poorly 
 fkulking behind a thoufand falfehoods ? Now I re- 
 flect, this has not been the firft of her difcoveries ' 
 How contemptible a figure muft I have made to her ? 
 A crowd of recollected circumftances confirms me now, 
 {he has been long acquainted with my follies, and yet 
 with what amazing prudence has (he borne the fecrct 
 pangs of injured love, and wore an everlafting fmile to 
 
 me ? This afks a little thinking -fomething mould be 
 
 done I'll fee her inftantly, and be refolved from her 
 behaviour. [*/'/. 
 
 7/je SCENE changes to another Raom 
 
 Enter Lady Eafy, and Edging. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Where have you' been, Edging ? 
 
 Edg. Been, Madam ! I I I I came as fbon as I 
 heard you ring, Madam. 
 
 Lady Eajy. How guilt confounds her ! but (he's below 
 my thought Fetch my laft new fack hither I have a 
 mind to alter it a little make hafte. 
 
 Edg. Yes, Madam 1 lee flie does not fufpedt any 
 
 thing. [Exit, 
 
 Lady Eajy. Heigh ho! [Sitttaf JfW*.] I had forgot 
 
 but I'm unfit for writing now 'Twas an hard conflict 
 
 yet it's a joy to think it over : a fecret pride, to tell 
 
 tpy heart_ my conduct has been juft How low are vi- 
 cious
 
 70 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 cious minds that offer injuries, how much fuperior inno- 
 cence that bears 'em Still there's a pleafure ev'n in 
 
 the melancholy of a quiet confluence Away, my fears, 
 it is not yet impofiible for while his human nature is not 
 quite fhookof, I ought not to defpair. 
 
 Re-enter Edging, with a Sack. 
 
 Edg* Here's die fack, Madam. 
 
 Lady Eafy. So, fit down there and, let me fee 
 here Rip off all that filver. 
 
 Edg. Indeed, I always thought it would become your 
 
 ladyfhip better without it But now fupppfe, Madam, 
 
 you carry'd another row of gold round the fcoilops, and 
 then you take' and lay this filver plain all along the ga- 
 thers, and your ladyfhip will perfectly fee, it will give 
 the thing ten thoufand times another air. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Pr'ythee don't be impertinent ,- do as I 
 bid you. 
 
 Edg. Nay, Madam, with all my heart, your lad} fhip 
 may do as you pleafe. 
 
 Lady %ajy. This creature grows fo confident, and I 
 dare not part with her, left he fhculd think it jealoufy. 
 
 [A/Me. 
 Enter . c z> Charles. 
 
 Sir Cba. So, my dear ! What, at work ! how are you 
 employed, pray ? 
 
 Lady Eajj. I was thinking to alter this fack here. 
 
 Sfr Cha. What's amifs ? Methinks it's very pretty. 
 
 Edg. Yes, Sir, it's pretty enough for that matter, but 
 Tny Lady has a mind it fliould be proper too. 
 
 Sir Cba. Indeed ! 
 
 Lady Eajy. I fancy plain gold and black would become 
 me better. 
 
 Sir Cha. That's a grave thought, my dear. 
 
 Edg. O, dear Sir, not at all, my lady's much in the 
 right ; I am fure, as it is, it's fit for nothing but a girl. 
 
 Sir Cba. Leave the room. 
 
 Edg. Lord, Sir ! I can't flir 1 muft ftay to 
 
 Sir Cba. Go [Angrily* 
 
 Edg. [Throwing doivn tbe work baftily^ and<:rying^ afideC\ 
 If ever I fpeak to him again, I'll be burned. 
 
 [Exit Edging. 
 
 Sir Cba, Sit flill, my dear, I came to talk with you
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 71 
 
 and which you well may wonder at, what I have to 
 fay is of importance too, but 'tis in order to my hereafter 
 always talking kindly to you. 
 
 Lady Eajy You words were never difobliging, nor can 
 I charge you with a look that ever had the appearance of 
 being unkind. 
 
 SirCha. The perpetual fpring of your good humour, 
 lets me draw no merit trom what I have appeared to be, 
 which mjikes me curious now to know your thoughts of 
 what I really am : and ..ever h.n-ing afked you this before, 
 it puzzles me : nor can I (my ilrnnge negligence con- 
 -lidereJ) reconcile to reafon, your firft thoughts of ven- 
 turing upon marriage with me. 
 
 Lady E.ajy, I never thought it fuch a hazard. 
 
 Sir Cba. How could a woman of your reilraint in 
 principles, fedatenefs, fenfe, and tender difpofition, pro- 
 pofe to lead an happy life with one (now I reflect) that 
 hardly took an hours pains, ev'n before marriage, to ap- 
 pear but what I am : a loofe, unheeded wretch, abfent 
 in all I do, civil, and as often rude without deiign, un- 
 feafonably thoughtful, eaiy to a fault, and in my beft of 
 praife, but carelefsly good-natured r How fliall I recon- 
 cile your :emptr with having nindefo it range a choice ? 
 
 Lady a/y. Your own words may aniwer you Your 
 having never feemed to be, but what you really were ; 
 and through that careleflhefs of temper there lull flione 
 forth to me an undefigning bouefty, I always ddlibted of 
 in fmoother faces : thus while I uw you took leail pains 
 to win me, you plea fed and woo'd me moil : nay, I have 
 thought, that fuch a temper could never be deliberately 
 unkind : or, at the worft, I knew that errors from want 
 of thinking might be borne ; at leai>, when probably one 
 momeiii's ferioas thought would end 'em : thtie 'were 
 my worll of fears, and thefe, when weighed by growing 
 love again It my folid hopes, were nothing. 
 
 Sir CLa. My dear, vour undemanding llartles me, nnd 
 juftly calls my own in queftion: I biufli to think I've 
 worn fo bright a jewel u. my bofom, and till this hour, 
 have fcarce been curious once to look upon its luttre. 
 
 Lady EaJ). You let t>;.> high a value on the common 
 qualities of an eafy wife. 
 
 Sir Cba. Virtues, like benefits, are double, when con- 
 cealed :
 
 ?a THE CARELESS HUSBAND, 
 cealed : and I confefs, I yet fufpeft you of an higher 
 value far, than I have fpoke you. 
 
 Lady Eajy. I understand you not. 
 
 Sir ICha. I'll fpeak more plainly to you be free and 
 tell me Where did you leave this handkerchief ? 
 
 Lady Eajy. Ha ! 
 
 Sir Cba. What is it you flart at? You hear the 
 
 * queflion. 
 
 * Lady Eajy. What (hall I fay ? my fears confound 
 me.' 
 
 Sir Cba. Be not concerned, my dear, be eafy in the 
 truth, and tell me. 
 
 Lady. Eafy. I cannot fpeak and I could wilh you'd 
 not oblige me to it 'tis the only thing I ever yet refufed 
 you and though I want reaf^n for my will, let me not 
 snfvver you, 
 
 Sir Cba. Your will then be a reafon ; and fmce I fee 
 you are fo generoufly tender of reproaching me, it is fit I 
 Ihould be eafy in my gratitude, and make what ought to 
 be my fhame my joy ; let me be therefore pleafed to tell 
 you now, your wondrous conduct has waked me to a fenle 
 of your difquiet pail, and refolution never to ditfurb it 
 more And (not that I ofler it as a merit, but yet in blind 
 compliance to my will) let me beg you would immedi- 
 ately difcharge your woman. 
 
 Lady. Eafr. Alas ! I think not of her O, my dear, 
 diftraft me not with this excels of ^oodnefs. [H'crping. 
 
 Sir Cba. Kay, praife me not, left i reflect how little I 
 have deftrved it ; ' I fee you are in pain to gjve me this 
 
 * confufion.' Come, I will not (hock your foftnefs by my 
 untimely blufh for what is pait, but rather footh you to 
 a plealure at my fenfe of joy, for my recovered happi- 
 net's to come. Give then to my new-born love, what 
 name you pieafe, it cannot, fhall not be too kind : O ! 
 it cannot be too fuft for what my foul fwells up with emu- 
 lation to deferve Receive me then entire at laft, and 
 take what yet no woman ever truly had, my conquered 
 heart. 
 
 Lady. Eajy. * O the foft treafure ! O the dear reward of 
 
 * long c'eierving love' Now I am bleft indeed to fee you 
 kind without the expence of pain in being fo, to make 
 you mine with eailneis ; thus ! thus to have you mine is 
 
 fome-
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 73 
 
 ibmething more than happinefs, 'tis double life, and 
 madnefs of abounding joy. But it was a pain intolerable 
 to give you a confulion. 
 
 Sir Cha. O thou engaging virtue ! But I am too flow 
 in doing juftice to thy love : I know thy foftnefs will re- 
 fufe me ; but remember, linfift upon it let thy woman 
 be difcharged this minute. 
 
 lady Eajy. No, my dear, think me not fo low in faith 
 to fear that after what you have faid, it will ever be in her 
 power to do me future injury : when I can conveniently 
 provide for her, I'll think on it : but to difcharge her 
 now, might let her guefs at the occafion ; and methinks 
 I would have our difference, like our endearments, be 
 equally a fecret to our fervants. 
 
 Sir Cha. Still my fuperior every way be it as you 
 
 have better thought Well, my dear, now I'llconfefs 
 
 a thing that wab not in your power to accufe me of; to 
 be (horr, I own this creature is not the only one I have 
 been to blame with. 
 
 Lady Eajy. I know (he is not, and was always lefs 
 concerned to find it fo, for conflancy in errors might 
 have been fatal to me. 
 
 Sir Cha. What is it you know, my dear? [Surprized. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Come, I am not afraid to accufe you now 
 my Lady Graveairs. -Your careleflhefs, my dear, 
 let all the world know it, and it would have been hard 
 indeed, had it been only to me a fecret. 
 
 Sir Cha. My dear, I will aflc no more queftions, for 
 fear of being more ridiculous ; I do confefs, I thought 
 my difcretion there had been a mafter-piece Hovf 
 contemptible muft I have looked all this while ! 
 
 Lady Eajy. You (han't fay fo. 
 
 Sir Cba. Well, to let you fee I had fome fliame, as well 
 as nature in me, I had writ this to my Lady Graveair 
 upon my firft diicovering that you knew I had wronged 
 you : read it. 
 
 Lady Eajy. [Reads] " Something has happened, that 
 " prevents the vifit I intended you ; and 
 " I could gladly wifh, you never would 
 " reproach me if I tell you, 'tis utterly 
 ** inconvenient that I Ihould c'ver fee you 
 more." 
 
 G This
 
 f4 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 This indeed was more than I had merited. 
 Enter a Servant, 
 
 Sir Cha. Who is there ? Here Step with this to my 
 
 Lady Graveairs. [Seals the letter^ and gives it to the fer~ 
 cvat.~\ 
 
 Serv. Yes, Sir Madam, my Lady Betty's come. 
 
 Lady Eajy. I'll wait on her. 
 
 Sir Cba. My dear, I am thinking there may be other 
 things my negligence may have wronged you in ; ' but be 
 * aflured as I difcover, all (hall be corrected.' Is there 
 any part or circumftance in your fortune that I can change 
 or yet make carter to you ? 
 
 Lady Eajy. None, my dear, your good-nature never 
 tinted me in that ; and now, methinks, I have lefs occa- 
 iion there than ever. 
 
 Re-enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Sir, my Lord Morelove's come. 
 
 Sir Cba. I am coming 1 think I told you of the de- 
 
 fign we had laid againil: Lady Betty. 
 
 Lady Eajy. You did, and I fhoukl be pleafed to be my- 
 felf concerned in it. 
 
 Sir Cha. I believe we may employ you : I know he 
 waits for me with impatience. But, my dear, won't you 
 think me taftelefs to the joy you have given me, to fuf- 
 fer at this time any concern but you to employ my 
 thoughts .? 
 
 Lady Eafy. Seafons muft be obeyed ; and fince I know 
 your friend's happinefs depending, I could not tafte my 
 own, fhould you neglect it. 
 
 Sir Cba. Thou eafy fweetnefs O ! what a wafte on 
 
 thy neglected love, has my unthinking brain committed ! 
 but time and future thrift of tendernefs fliall yet repair it 
 all. The hours will come when this foft gliding ilream 
 that fwells my heart, uninterrupted {hull renew its 
 courfe 
 
 And like the ocean after ebb, fiiall move 
 
 With conflant force of due returning love. [Exeunt. 
 
 The SCENE changes to another Room. 
 And then re-enter Lady Eafy and Lady Betty. 
 
 Lady j&?/.You have been in tears, my dear, and yet 
 you look pleafed too, 
 
 Lady Eajy. You will pardon me, if I cannot let you 
 
 into
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 7$ 
 
 into circumftances : but be fatisfied, Sir Charles has 
 made me happy, even to a pain of joy. 
 
 Lady Bet. Indeed I am truly glad of it, though I ara 
 forry to find that any one who has generofity enough to 
 do you juftice, fhcmld unprovoked be fo great an enemy 
 to me. 
 
 Lady Eafy. Sir Charles your enemy ! 
 . Lady Bet. My dear, you will pardon me if I alwaya 
 thought him lo, but now I am convinced of it. 
 
 L. Eajy. In what, pray ? I cannot think you will find 
 him ib. 
 
 Lady Betty. O ! Madam, it has been his whole bufinefa 
 of late to make an utter breach between my Lord More- 
 love and me. 
 
 Lady Eafy. That may be owing to your ufage of my 
 Lord : perhaps he thought it would not dilbblige you. 
 I am confident you are millakenin him, 
 
 Lady Betty. O ! I don't ufe to be out in things of thi 
 nature ; I can lee well enough r but I fhall be able to tell 
 you more when I have talked with my Lord. 
 
 L. Eajy. Here he comes ; and becaufe you Ihall talk 
 
 with him '-No excufes for pofidvely I will leave 
 
 you together. 
 
 Lady Betty. Indeed, my dear, I deflre you will flay 
 then ; for I know you think now, that I have a mind to 
 
 Lady Eajy. To to ha! ha! ha! [Go/wgv 
 
 Lady Bet. Well ! remember this. 
 
 Enter Lord Morelove. 
 
 Lord Mor. I hope I don't fright you away, Madam ? 
 
 Lady Eafy. Not at all, my "Lord; but I muft beg 
 your pardon for a moment ; I will wait upon you imme- 
 diately. [Exit. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lady Eafy gone ? 
 
 Lord Mor. Perhaps, Madam, in friendfhip to you ; 
 fhe thinks I may have deferved the coldnefs you of late 
 have (hewn to me, and was willing to give you this op 
 portunity to convince me, you have not done it without 
 juft grounds and reafon. 
 
 Lady Bet. How handfomely does he reproach me ! but 
 
 I cannot bear that he Ihould think I kaow it \_Afldt. ] 
 
 My Lord, whatever has parted between you and roe, I 
 G 2 d*
 
 76 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 dare fwear that couid net be her thoughts at this time : 
 for when two people have appeared profefled enemies, (h 
 cannot but think one will as little care to give, as the 
 other to receive a juftification of their actions. 
 
 Lord Mar. Pailion indeed often does repeated injuries 
 on both fides, but I don't remember in my heat of error 
 lever yet profefled myfelf your enemy. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord, I {hall be very free with you 
 I confefs I do think now I have not a greater enemy in the 
 world. 
 
 Lord Mar. If having long loved you, to my own dif- 
 quiet, be injurious, I am contented then to iland the 
 foremoft of your enemies. 
 
 Lady Bet. O ! my Lord, there's no great fear of your 
 being my enemy that way, I dare fay 
 
 Lord Mor. There is no other way my heart cr.n bear 
 to offend you now, and J forefee in that it will perfift to 
 to my undoing. 
 
 Lady Bet. Fie, fie, my Lord, we know where your 
 heart is well enough. 
 
 Lord Mor. My condu& has indeed deferred this fcorn, 
 
 and therefore 'tis but juft I fhould fubmit to your re- 
 
 fentment, and beg (though I am aflured in vain) for 
 
 pardon. \Knetls, 
 
 Enter Sir Charles. 
 
 Sir Cba. How, my Lord ! [Lord Mor. rifes. 
 
 Lady Bet. Ha ! He here ! This was unlucky. [Afide. 
 
 * Lord Mor. O pity my confufion ? [To Lady Bet.' 
 
 Sir Cba. I am forry to fee you can fo foon forget your- 
 felf : methinks the infultsyou have borne from that lady, 
 by this time fhould have warned you into a dilguil of her 
 regardlefs principles. 
 
 Lord Mor. Hold, Sir Charles ! while you and I are 
 friends, I defire you would fpeak with honour of this la- 
 dy 'Tis fufficient I have no complaint againft her, and 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord, I beg you would refent this 
 thing no farther : an injury like this, is better punifhed 
 with our contempt; apparent malice fhould only be laugh- 
 ed at. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ha ! ha ! the old refource, Offers of any 
 hopes to delude him from his refentment, ' and then as 
 * the Grand Monarque did with Cavalier :' and then you 
 are fure to keep your word with him. 
 
 Ladj Bef,'
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 77 
 
 Lady Pet. Sir Charles, to let you know how far I an* 
 above your little fpleen, my Lord, your hand from this 
 
 hour 
 
 Sir Cka. Pfhaw ! pfhaw ! all defign ! all pique ! meer 
 artifice, and difappoimed woman. 
 
 Lady Bet. Look you, Sir, not that I doubt my Lord's 
 
 opinion of me ; yet 
 
 Sir Cha. Look you, Madam, in fliort, your word ha 
 been too often taken, to let you make up quarrels, as you 
 uled to do, ^vith a foft look, and a fair promife you never 
 intended to keep. 
 
 Lady Bet. Was ever fuch infolence ! He won't give me 
 leave to fpeak. 
 
 Lord Mor. Sir Charles ! 
 
 Lady Bet. No, pray, my Lord, have patience j and 
 fmce his malice feems to grow particular, I dare his woril, 
 and urge him to the proof on't : Pray Sir, wherein caa 
 you charge me with breach of promife to my Lord ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Death, you won't deny it ? How often, to 
 piece up a quarrel, have you appointed 1 him to vifityou 
 alone; and though you have promifed to fee no other 
 company the whole day, when he was-come he has found 
 you among the laugh of noify fops, coquets, and 4 cox- 
 combs, diflolutely gay, while your full eyes ran over with 
 tranfport of their flattery, and your own vain power of 
 p'eaiing ? How often, I fay, have yoti been known to 
 throw away, at lealr, four hours ot your good humour 
 upon fuch wretches ; and the minute they were gone,, 
 grew only dull to him, funk into adiilafteful fpleen, com- 
 plained you had talked yourfelf into the head-ach, and 
 then indulged upon the dear delight of feeing him in 
 pain : and by that time you had ftretched and gaped 
 him heartily out of patience, of a fudden moil impor- 
 tantly remember you had outfat your appointment with 
 my Lady Fiddle-faddle ; and immediately order your 
 coach to the park. 
 
 Lady Bet. Yet, Sir, have you done ? 
 
 Sir Cba No though this might ferve to flie.v the 
 
 nature of your principles : but the noble conqueft you 
 have gained at lart over defeated fenfeof reputation too, 
 has made your fame immortal. 
 Lord Mor. How, Sir ? 
 Lady Bet. My reputation ? 
 
 G 5 Sir Cba*
 
 -8 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Sir Cha. Aye, Madam, your reputation- --My LorJ, 
 if I advance a falfhood, then refent it.--I fay, your repu- 
 tation It has beenyonr life's whole pride of late to 
 
 be the common toaft of every public table, vain even in 
 the infamous addrefles of a married man, my Lord Fop- 
 pington ; let that be reconciled with reputation, I will 
 now fhake hands with fhame, and bow me to the low 
 contempt which you deferve from him ; not but I fup- 
 pofe you will yet endeavour to recover him. Now you 
 find ill ufage in danger of lofing your conqueft, 'tis pof- 
 fible you will ftop at nothing to preferve it. 
 
 Lady Bet. Sir Charles [Walks dijordered^ and be 
 after her. ] 
 
 Sir Cha. I know your vanity is fo voracious, it will 
 even wound itfelf to feed itfelf; offer him a blank, per- 
 haps to fill up with hopes of what nature he pleafes, and 
 yart even with your pride to keep him. 
 
 Lady Bet. Sir Charles, I have not deferred this of 
 
 you. [Burfting into tears. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ah ! true woman, drop him a foft difiem- 
 
 blmg tear, and then his juft refentment muft be huflied, 
 
 of courfe. 
 
 Lord Mcr. O Charles ! I can bear no more, thofe tears 
 are too reproaching. 
 
 Sir Cba. Hift, for your life ! [Jfitte, and then aloud.} 
 My Lord, if you believe her, you are undone ; the very 
 next fight of my L&rd Foppington, would make her yet 
 forfwear all that fhe can promife. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord Foppington ! Is that the mighty 
 crime that muft condemn me then ? You know I ufed him 
 but as a tool of my . refenrment, which you yourfelf, by 
 a pretended friendfhip to us both, moft artfully provoked 
 
 -me to 
 
 Lord Mor. Hold, I ccry;.e you, Madam, I want not 
 this conviclion. 
 
 Lady Bet. Send for him this minute, and you and he- 
 ftr.ll both be witnefles of the contempt and deteilation I 
 have for any forward hopes his vanity may have given 
 him, or your malice would infinuate. 
 
 Yr Cba. Death ! you would as foon eat fire, as foon 
 
 part with your Luxurious tatie of folly, as dare to own the 
 
 3 half
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 79 
 
 Jialf of this before his face, or any one, that would make 
 you bKifli to deny it to - Here comes my wife, now we 
 ihall fee - Ha ! and my Lord Foppington with her _ - 
 Now ! now, we fhall fee this mighty proof of your fin- 
 cerity - Now ! my Lord, you'll have a warning, fur-, 
 and henceforth know me for your friend indeed - 
 
 Enter Lady Eafy, and Lord Foppington. 
 Lady Eafy. In tears, my dear! what's the'matter ? 
 Lady Betsy. O, my dear, all I told you is true : Sir 
 Charles rws fhewn huwfelf ib-inveterably my enemv, 
 that if I believed I defervcxi but half his hate, 'twould 
 make me hate myfelf. 
 
 Lord fop. Hark you, Chatles, pr'ythee what is this 
 bufiuefs ? 
 
 Sir Cba. Why yours, my Lord, for aught I know 
 I have made fuch a breach betwixt them - 1 cannot 
 promife much- for the courage of a woman ; but if hers 
 holds, I am fure it is wide enough ; you may enter tea 
 abreaft, my Lord. 
 
 Lord Fcf. Say'ft thoufo, Charles? then I hold G# to 
 four, I am the firft man in the town. 
 
 Lady Eajy. Sure there muft be fome miflakc in this : I 
 hope he has not made my Lord your enemy. 
 Lady Bet. I know not what he has done. 
 Lord Mor. Far be that thought ! alas ! I am too much 
 in fear myfelf, that what I have this day committed, ad- 
 vifed by his miflakeu triendfnip, may have done my love 
 irreparable prejudice. 
 
 Lady Bet, No, my Lord, fince I perceive his little 
 arts have not prevailed upon your good-nature to my pre- 
 judice, I am bound in gratitude, Sn^..'}' to myielf and 
 to the confeffion you have made, my Lord, to acknow- 
 ledge now, I have been to blame too. 
 
 Lord Mor. Ha ! is ic poiBble j can you own fo much ? 
 ' O my tranfported heart !' 
 
 Lady Bet. He fays I have taken pleafure in feeing you 
 uneafy - 1 own it - but 'twas when that uneafirefs I 
 thought proceeded from your love; aod if you did love 
 - 'twill not be much to pardon it. 
 
 Lord Mor. O let my foul, thus bending to your power, 
 
 adore this Co ft dcfceiKiir.g gojdnefs. 
 
 ce the giddy woman's flights I have 
 (he*vn you too often, have bcen'pablic, 'us fit at laft the 
 
 Lady Ret. And fiuce
 
 So THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 amends and reparation fhould be fo : therefore what I 
 offered to Sir Charles, I now repeat before this company, 
 my utter deteftation of any palt or future gallantry, that 
 has or (hall be offered by me, to your uneafmefs. 
 
 Lord Mor. O be lefs generous, or teach me to deferve 
 
 it Now blufh, Sir Charles, at your injurious accufa- 
 
 tion. 
 
 Lord Fop. Aah ! Pardi, Voila guel^ue cbofe tfcxtra- 
 ordinalre. 
 
 Laity Bet. As for my Lord Foppington, I owe him 
 thanks for having been fo friendly an inftrument of our 
 reconciliation ; for though in the little outward gallantry 
 I received from him, I did not immediately truft him with 
 my deii^n in it, yet I have a better opinion of his under- 
 (landing, than to fuppofe he could miftake it. 
 
 Lord Fop. I am ftruck dumb with the deliberation of 
 her affurance ; and do not pofitively remember, that the 
 nnncbalcnce of my teiwper ever had fo bright an occalion 
 to (hew itfelf before. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord, I hope, you will pardon the free- 
 dom I have taken with you. 
 
 Lord Fop. O, Madam, do not be under the confufion 
 of an npology upon my account ; for in cafes of this na- 
 ture, I ara never disappointed, but when I find a lady of 
 
 the fame mind two hours together Madam, I have 
 
 loft a thoufand fine women in my time ; but never had the 
 ill manners to be out of humour with any one for refuting 
 me, fince I was born. 
 
 Lady Bet. My Lord, that's a very prudent temper. 
 
 Lord Fop. Madam, to convince you that I am in aa 
 univerfal peace with mankind, fince you own I have fo 
 far contributed to your happinefs, give me leave to have 
 the honour of compleating it,, by joining your hand 
 where you have already offered up your inclination. 
 
 Lary Bet. My Lord, that's a favour I can't refufe you 
 
 Lord Mor. Geuerous, indeed, my Lord. 
 
 \Lord Foppington joins their bands* 
 
 Lord Fop. And', ftap my breath, if ever I was better 
 pleafed fir.ce my firft entrance into human nature. 
 
 Sir Cha. How now, my Lord ! what ! throw up the 
 cards before you have loft the game ? 
 
 Lord Fop. Look you, Charles, 'tis true, I did defiga 
 to have played with her alone ; but he that will keep we)* 
 
 with
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. Si 
 
 with the ladies, muft fomedms be content to make one 
 at a pool with them ; and fince I know I muft engage her 
 in my turn, I don't fee any great odds in letting him take 
 the firft game with her. 
 
 Sir Cba. Wifely confidered, iny Lord. 
 
 Lady fiet. And now, Sir Charles 
 
 Sir C'ba. And now, Madam, I'll fave you the trouble 
 of a long fpeech ; and, in one xvord, conrefs, that every- 
 thing that I have done in regard to. you this day was 
 purely artificial I faw there was no way to fecure you 
 to my Lord Morelove, but by alarming your pride with 
 the danger of lofing him : and Cnce the fuccefs muft: 
 have by this time convinced you, that in love nothing is 
 more ridiculous than an over-ated averfion ; I am fure 
 you' won't take it ill. if we at laft congratulate your good- 
 nature, by heartily laughing at the fright we had put you 
 in : ha ! ha ! ha! 
 
 Lady Ectjy. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Bet. Why well I declare it now, I hate you 
 
 worfe than ever. 
 
 Sir Cba. Ha ! ha ! ha ! And was it afraid they would 
 take away it's love from it . .Poor Lady Betty ! 
 
 ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Eajy. My dear, I beg your pardon ; but it is im- 
 poffible not to laugh when one is fo heartily pleafed. 
 
 Lord fop. Really, Madam, I am afraid the humour 
 of the company will draw me into your difpleafure too ; 
 but if I were to expire this moment, my laft breath 
 would pofitively go out with a laugh. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Lady Set. Nay, I have deferved it all, that's the truth 
 on't but I hope, my Lord, you were not in this defign 
 againft me. 
 
 Lord Mor. As a proof, Madam, I am inclined never to 
 deceive you more I do conrels I had my fhare in it. 
 
 Lady Bet. You do, my Lord then I declare it was 
 
 a defign, one or other the beft carried on, that ever I 
 knew in my life ; and (to my fhame own it) for aught 
 I know, the only thing that could have prevailed upon 
 my temper ; 'twas a fooliui pride that has coft me many 
 a bitten lip to fupport it I wifli we don't both repent, 
 my Lord. 
 
 Lord Mor* Don't you repent without me, and wo 
 never fhalJ. 
 
 Sir Cha
 
 ** THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 
 
 Sir Cba. Well, Madam, now the worfl that the world 
 can fay of your paft conduft, is that my Lord had con- ' 
 ftancy, and you have tried it. 
 
 ' Enter a Servant to Lord Morelove. 
 
 * Serv. My Lord, Mr. le Fevre's below, anddefires to 
 
 * know what time your Lordfhip will pleafe to have the 
 
 * mufic begin. 
 
 * Lord Mar. Sir Charles what fay you ? will you give 
 
 * me leave to bring them hither ? 
 
 * Sir Cba. As the ladies think fit, my Lord. 
 
 1 Lady Bet. O ! by all means, 'twill be better here, 
 4 unlefs we could have the terrace toourlelves. 
 
 * Lord Mor. Then, pray defire them to come hither 
 
 * immediately. 
 
 ' Serv. Yes, my Lord. [.v// Serv. 
 
 * Enter Lady Graveairs. 
 
 * Sir Cba. Lady Graveairs ! 
 
 ' Lady Grav. Yes ! you may well ftart ! but don't 
 1 fuppoie I am now coine, like a poor tame fool, to up- 
 
 * braid your guilt; but if I could to blaft you with a look. 
 
 * Sir Cba. Come, come, you have fenfe, don't ex- 
 
 * pofe yourfelf you are unhappy, and I own myfclf the 
 
 * caufe, the only fatisfaction I can offer you, is to pro- 
 
 * teft no new engagement takes me from you ; but a liu- 
 ' cere reflection of the long negleft, and injuries I have' 
 
 * done the belt of wives ; for whofe amends and only fake 
 
 * I now muft part with you, and all the inconvenient plea- 
 
 * fures of my life. 
 
 * Lady Grav. Have you then fallen into the low con- 
 ' tempt of expofing me, and to your wife too ? 
 
 * Sir Cba. 'Twas impoffible ; without it, I could ever 
 
 * be fincere in my converfion. 
 
 1 Lady Grav. Defpicable ! 
 
 * Sir Cba. Do not think fo for my fake I know 
 
 * fhe'll not reproach you nor by her carriage, ever let 
 
 * the world perceive you have wronged her. My 
 
 * LadyE -fy. Lady Graveairf, I hope you'll fup with us. 
 
 * Lady Grav. I cannot refute fo much good company, 
 ' Madam. 
 
 4 Sir Cba. You fee the word of her refcntment 
 
 * In the mean time, don't endeavour to be her friend, and 
 
 * flie'H never be your enemy, 
 
 Lady Grav*
 
 THE CARELESS HUSBAND. 83 
 
 1 Lady Grav. I am unfortunate 'tis what n?y folly 
 
 ' has deferved, and I fubmit to it. 
 * Lord More. So ! here is the mufic. 
 Lady Eajy. Come, ladies, fliall we fit ? 
 
 <S O N G. 
 
 * SABINA with an angel's face, 
 
 4 By love ordain'd for joy, 
 
 * Seems of the Siren's cruel race, 
 
 * To charm and then deftroy. 
 
 * With all the arts of look and drefs, 
 
 * She fans the fatal fire ; 
 
 * Through pride, miftaken oft for grace, 
 
 1 She bids the fwains expire. 
 
 ' The god of love enrag'd to fee 
 
 * The nymph defy his flame, 
 
 ' Pronounc'd his mercilefs decree 
 \Againfl the haughty dame; 
 
 * Let age with double fpeed o'ertake her. 
 
 * Let love the room of pride fupply ; 
 
 * And when the lovers all forfake her, 
 
 ' A fpotlefs virgin let her die.' 
 
 Sir Charles comes forward with Lady Eafy. 
 
 Sir Cha. No, my dear, I find my happinefs grow fail 
 upon me ; in all my paft experience of the fex, I found, 
 even among the better fort, Ib much of folly, pride, ma- 
 lice, paffion, and irrefolute defire, that I concluded thee 
 but of the foremoft rank, and, therefore, fcarce worthy 
 my concern ; but thou haft ftirred me with fo fevere a 
 proof of thy exalted virtue, it gives me wonder equal to 
 my love It then the unkindly thought of what I have 
 been, hereafter (hall intrude upon thy growing quiet, let 
 this reflection teach thee to be eafy : 
 
 Thy wrongs when greateft, moil thy virtue prov'd ; 
 
 And from that virtue found, I blufli'd and truly lov'd. 
 
 [Exeunt* 
 
 E P I-
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 eft and freedom are at length our own, - 
 
 f alfe fears of Jlav'ry no more are jh own ; I 
 
 "Nor dread of paying tribute to a foreign throne. 
 All ftations now the fruits of conqiieft Jhare, ^ 
 
 Except (if fmall with great things may compare) . > 
 IV opprcfs'd condition of the laboring player. J 
 
 We're ft ill in fears (aiyou of late in France) 
 Of the defpotic power of fang and dance : 
 for while fubfcription, like a tyrant reigns, -\ 
 
 Nature's neglcEled, and the ft age in chains, I 
 
 And Englijb a&orsjlavcs tojwell the Frenchman's gains. J 
 Jjike ASfi'p's crow, the poor out-witted ft age, 
 yhatliv'd on whnlefome plays ? the. latter age, 
 Deluded once to ftng, ev'n jujily ferv'd, 
 I,ct fall her chcefe to the Fox mouth, audftarrfd : 
 O that our judgment, as your courage has - 
 
 Your fame extended, would nffert our caitfc, I 
 
 That nothing Englijb might fubmit to foreign laws : J . 
 
 If we but live to fee that joyful day, -j 
 
 'J hen of the Englify .ftage, revived we may, \ 
 
 As of your honour novo, with proper application, fay. J 
 
 So when the Gallic fox by fraud of peace, 
 .Had lulled the Rritijh lion into eafe, 
 
 And faw that fteep compos 'J his couchant head, ~\ 
 
 He bids him wake, and fee himfclf betrayed (. 
 
 Jn toils of treacherous politicks around him laid : J 
 
 tfhctvs him how one clofe hour of Gallic thought 
 Retook thofe towns for which he years had fought. 
 At this th' indignant favage rolls his fiery eyes, 
 J)aunt!efs, tho> Uujlnng at the bafe furprife, 
 
 Paufcs awhile But finds delays are vain : 
 
 Compelled to fight, hejhakeshisjhaggymane; \ 
 
 He grinds his dreadful fangs; andftalksto Blenhehii's plain; f" 
 
 There with ere fled creft, and horrid roar, 
 
 He furious plunges on, through ft reams 'of gore, 
 
 And dies with falfe Bavarian blood the purple Danube's | 
 
 Jbore ; 
 
 Jn one pujl:t battle frees the defti>?d ftavcs ; 
 Revives old Englijh honour, and an empire faves. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 THE TENDER HTSHASTD . 
 
 / 
 
 /,/ /
 
 B E L L'S EDITION. 
 THE 
 
 FENDER HUSB4ND; 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 ACCOMPLISHED FOOLS. 
 
 A COMEDY, 
 
 A* written ly Sir RICHARD STEELED 
 
 DISTINGUISHING ALSO T H K 
 
 VARIATIONS OF THE THEATRE, 
 
 in 
 
 Regulated from the Prompt- Book, 
 
 By PERMISSION of the MANAGERS, 
 
 By Mr. HOPKINS, Prompter. 
 
 ut is %ui audiat, cogitet flura %uam viJeat, 
 
 TVLL. do Ortot 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for JOHN BSLL, near Exeter-Exchange, in the S;rtnd', 
 and C. ETHKRINGTON, at Ttrk 
 
 MDCCLXXVII,
 
 C 3 I 
 T O 
 
 Mr. A D D I S O N. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 YOU will be furprifed, in the midft of a daily and fa- 
 miliar converfation, with an addrefs which bears fo 
 diflant an air as a public dedication : but, to put you out 
 of the pain which I know this will give you, I allure you 
 I do not defign in it, what would be very needlefs, a pa- 
 negyric on yourfelf, or what, perhaps, is very neceflary, 
 a defence ot the play. In the one I fhould difcover too 
 much the concern of an author, in the other too little tho 
 freedom of a friend. 
 
 My purpofe, in this application, is only to (hew the 
 efteem I have for you ; and that I look upon my intima- 
 cy with you, as one of the moft valuable enjoyments ot' 
 my life. At the lame time, I hope I make the town no 
 ill compliment for their kind acceptance of this comedy, 
 in acknowledging that it has fo far raifed my opinion of 
 it, as to make me think it no improper memorial of an in- 
 violable friendfliip. 
 
 I fhould not offer it to you as fuch, had I not been very 
 careful to avoid everything that might look ill-natured, 
 immoral, or prejudicial to what the better part of man- 
 kind hold facred and honourable. 
 
 Poetry, under fuch reflraints, is an obliging fervice to 
 human iociety ; efpecially when it is ufed, like your ad- 
 mirable vein, to recommend more ufeful qualities in your- 
 felf, or immortalize characters truly heroic in others. I 
 am, here, in danger of breaking my promife to you ; 
 therefore ihall take the only opportunity that can offer it- 
 felf of refitting my own inclinations, by complying with 
 yours. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Yeur mofr, faithful 
 
 Humble fervant, 
 
 RICHARD STEELE, 
 
 As PRO-
 
 C 4 ] 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Written by Mr. ADDISON. 
 
 TN the Jlrft 'ri/l- and infamy of farce, 
 
 When fools were many, and when pi ys were fcarce t 
 Ihe raw, wtfro&ifd authors could, with eafe, 
 A ^young and unexperienced audience pleafe : 
 Ko Jingle chnraRer bad e*er leerijhowh, 
 But the whole herd of fops was all their own j 
 Rich, in originals^ they fct to view, 
 In ev'ry piece, a coxcomb that was new. 
 But now our Britijh theatre can loafi 
 *J3ro!ls of all kind's, a vaft unthinking hojl ! 
 \ Fruitful of folly and of vice, it Jho-ws 
 Cuckolds, and cits, and bawJs, and pimp-, and JieatiS j 
 Rough country knights are found of c^ry Jhlrc^ 
 Of ev'ry fajhion gentle fc/>; appear ; 
 ^nd punks of dffifent characters ivc jneet > 
 As frequent en the ftage as in the pit : \ 
 Our modern wets are forced to pick and cull t 
 And here and there, by chance, glean up a fool ; 
 Lonf. ere they find the necsffary /park, 
 'They fearch the town, and Icat about the Park j 
 To ail his mojl frequented haunts rcfort^ . 
 Oft dog him to the Ring, and oft to court, 
 Jls love of pleafure or of place invites : 
 j4nd fomctimcs cafcl him taking fnuff at IVl'iles.. 
 Howe^er, to do you right, the prefent age 
 Breeds very hopeful monjlcrs for the ft age, 
 Tf:at fcorn the paths their dull forefathers trod, 
 And won't le blockheads in the common road. 
 Do lut fwuey this crowded boufe to-night : 
 Ifcre's Jlill encouragement for tbcfe that ti'r/*, 
 Our auth'or, to divert his friends to-day, 
 Stocks with variety of fools his play ; 
 And, that there may be fomething gay and nsw t 
 Two ladies errant has expos' J to vietu : 
 The Jirft a damfel traveirdin romance, 
 The t'other more refirfd, Jhe comes from "France : 
 Rtfcue, like courteous knights, the nymph from danger , 
 And kindly treat, like well-bred men, the granger. 
 
 A SONG,
 
 C S 3 
 A SONG, 
 
 Defigned for the fourth Aft, but not fet, 
 
 SEE, Britons, fee, with awful eyes, 
 Britannia from her leas arife ! 
 Ten thoufand billows round me roar, 
 
 While winds and waves engage, 
 That break in froth upon my ftiore, 
 
 And impotently rage. 
 Such were the terrors, which, of late, 
 Surrounded my afflicted ftate ; 
 United fury thus was bent 
 
 On my devoted feats, 
 'Till all the mighty force was fpent 
 
 In feeble fwells, and empty threats. 
 
 But now with rifing glory crown'd, 
 "My joys run high, they know no bound ; 
 Tides of unruly pleafure flow 
 
 Thro' ev'ry 1 well ing vein, 
 New raptures in my bofom glow, 
 
 And warm me up to youth again. 
 Faffing pomps my flreets adorn j 
 Captive fpoils in triumph born, 
 
 Standards of Gauls, in fight fubdu'd, 
 
 Colours in hoftilc; blood embru'd, 
 Enfigns of tyrannic might, 
 Foes to equity and right, 
 In courts of Britifii juftice wave on high, 
 Sacred to law and liberty. 
 My crowded theatres repeat, 
 In fongs of triumph, the defeat. 
 
 Did ever joyful mother fee 
 
 So bright, ib brave a progeny, 
 
 Daughters with fo much beauty crown'dj 
 
 Or fons for valour fo renown'd ? 
 
 But, Oh ! I gaze, and feek in vain, 
 To find, ^midftthis warlike train, 
 Mv abfent fons, that us'd to grace 
 With decent pride this joyous place; 
 
 A 3 Unhappy
 
 [ 6 ] 
 
 Unhappy youths ! how do my forrows rife, 
 Swell my breaft, and melt my eyes, 
 
 While I your mighty lofs deplore ? 
 Wild, and raging with diftrefs, % 
 
 I mourn, I mourn my ownfuccefs, 
 
 And boait my vifbries no more. 
 Unhappy youths ! far from their native fky, 
 On Danube's banks interr'd they lie. 
 Germania, give me back my (lain, 
 Give me my ilaughter'd fons again. 
 Was it for this they rang'd fo tar, 
 To free thee from oppreffive war ? 
 
 Germania, feV. 
 
 Tears of forrow while I filed 
 O'er the manes of my dead, 
 Lafting altars let me raife 
 To my living heroes' praife ; 
 Heaven give them a longer ftny, 
 As glorious acTions todifplay, 
 Or perifli on as great a day. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS 
 M E N. 
 
 Sir Harry Gvbllu 
 Humphry Guljin, 
 Mr. Tifkin % 
 Clerimont fen. 
 Capt. Clerimont^ 
 Mr. Po xnce, 
 
 W O M E N. 
 
 Mrs. 
 
 Aunt, 
 
 Niece, 
 
 Fain'o-vp, 
 
 Jenny, maid to Mrs. Ckri??:ont, 
 
 Mr. Baddeiev. 
 Mr. Dodd. * 
 Mr. Hartry. 
 Mr. Packer. 
 Mr. Reddifl>. 
 Mr. Akkin. 
 
 Mifs Younge. 
 Mis. Love. 
 Mrs. Abington* 
 Mrs. Greville, 
 
 THE
 
 [ 7 J 
 THE 
 
 TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 ** Tbe.liiKt marked tu'iib inverted comtrtat, ' teas,' are omitted in (be 
 refreJtntAtian. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Enter Clerimont, Sen. and Fainlove. 
 
 CLERIMONT, Sen. 
 
 WELL, Mr. Fainlove, how do you go on In your 
 amour with my wife ? 
 
 Fain. I am very civil, and very diilant; if flie fmiles, 
 or fpeaks, I bow and gaze at her ; then throw down my 
 eyes, as if oppreffed by fear of offence ; then fteal a look 
 again till fhe again fees me This is my general method. 
 
 Cler. Sen. And 'tis right ; for fuch a fine lady has no 
 guard to her virtue, but her pride ; therefore you. mull 
 conftantly apply yourfelf to that. But, dear Lucy, as 
 you have been a very faithful, but a very coilly wench 
 to me, fo, my fpoufe alfo has been conftant to-my bed,, 
 but carelefs of my fortune. 
 
 Fain. Ah, my dear ! how could, you leave your poor 
 Lucy, and run into France fio fee lights, and Ihew your 
 gallantry with a wife ? Was not that unnatural ? 
 
 Cler. Sen. She brought m< a noble fortune, and I 
 thought fhe had a right to fhare it ; therefore carried her 
 to fee the world, forfooth, and make the tour of France 
 and Italy, where (lie learned to lofe her money graceful- 
 ly, to admire every vanity in curfex, and contemn every 
 virtue in her own, which, with ten thoufund other per- 
 fections, are the ordinary improvements of a travelled 
 lady. Now, I can neither mortify her vanity, that I 
 may live at eaie with her; or quite difcard her, till I 
 have catched her. a little enlarging her innocent hccdoms, 
 

 
 S THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 as (he calls them : for this end I am content to be a 
 French hufband, tho', now and then, with the fecret 
 pangs of an Italian one ; and therefore, Sir, or Madam, 
 you are thus equipped to attend and accoit her ladyihip : 
 
 it concerns you to be diligent: if \ve wholly part 1 
 
 need fay no more : if we do not I'll fee thee well pro- 
 vided for. 
 
 Fain. I'll do all I can, I warrant you ; but you are not 
 to expect I'll go much among the men. 
 
 Cler. Sen. No, no, you mull not go near the men ; you 
 are only, when my wife goes to a play, to fit in a lide- 
 box, with pretty fellows. I don't deiign you to perfonate a 
 real man ; you are only to be a pretty gentleman. Not 
 to be of any ufe orconfequencein the world, as to your- 
 felf; but merely as a property to others : ' fuch as you 
 
 * fee, now and then, have a life in the intail of a great 
 
 * eftate, that ieem to have come into the world only to 
 ' be tags in the pedigree of a wealthy houfe.' You muft 
 have teen many of that fpecies. 
 
 Fain. I apprehend you ; fuch as ftand in aflemblies, 
 with an indolent foftnefs, and contempt of all around 
 them; wbo make a figure in public, and are fcorned in 
 private. I have feen fuch a one, with a pocket-glafs to 
 Ite his own face, and an affected perfpective to know 
 others. [Imitates each* 
 
 Cler. Sen. Ay, ay, that's my man Thou dear rogue ! 
 
 Fain. Let me alone. I'll lay my life I'll horn you ; 
 that is, I'll make it appear I might, if I could. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Ay, that willpleafeme quite as well. 
 
 Fain. To fliew you the progrefs I have made, I lait 
 night won of her five hundred pounds, which I have 
 brought you fafe. [Giving him bills. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Oh, the damned vice ! That women can 
 imagine all houfhold care, regard to pofterity, and fear of 
 poverty, muft he facrificed to a game at cards. Supppie 
 fiie had it not to pay, and you had been capable of finding 
 your account anorherway 
 
 Fain. That's but a fuppofe 
 
 Cler. Sat. I fay, fhe muft have complied with every 
 thing you aiked, 
 
 Fain. But flie knows you never limit her expences 
 I'll gain him irom her for ever, if I can \_;ijide, 
 
 Uer.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 9 
 
 Cler, Sen, -With this you have repaid me two thoufand 
 pounds ; and if you did not refund thus honeftly, I 
 
 ton Id nor have fupplied her We mufthave parted. 
 
 fain* Then you (hall part, if t'other way fails. \Afide. ~\ 
 However, I can't blame your tondnefs of her, (he has fo 
 many entertaining qualities with her vanity Then (lie 
 has fuch a pretty unthinking air, v/hilc flie faunters round 
 
 a room, and prattles fentences 
 
 Cler, iSVw. That was her turn from her infancy ; fhe 
 always had a great genius for knowing every thins; but 
 what it was neceflary fne (hould.' * The wits of the age, 
 4 the great beauties, and fhort-lived people of vogue, 
 * were always her difcourfe and imitation.' Thus the 
 cafe flood when (lie went to France ; but her fine follies 
 improved fo daily, that tho' I was then proud of her being 
 called Mr. Clerimcnt's wife, I am now as much out of 
 countenance to hear myfelf called Mrs. Clerimom's huf- 
 band, foinuch is the fuperiority on .her fide. 
 
 Fti:n. I urn fure, if ever I gave myfelf a little liberty, 
 I never found you ("o indulgent. 
 
 Cler. Sen. I ihould have the whole fex on my back, 
 fhould I pretend to retrencha lady fo well vifited as mine 
 is: therefore I muft bring it about that it (hall appear her 
 own a&, if fhe reforms ; or elfe I (hall be pronounced 
 
 jealous, and have ray eyes pulled out for being open 
 
 But I hear my brother Jack coining, who, I hope, has 
 
 brought yours with him Hid ! not a word. 
 
 Rnter Captain Clcrimont anil Pounce. 
 
 Cap. Cler. 1 have found him out at laft, brother, and 
 
 brought you the obfequious Mr. Pounce ; I faw him at a 
 
 diftance in a crowd, whifpering in their turns with all 
 
 ^bout him. He is a gentleman fo received, fo courted, 
 
 and fo traded 
 
 Pounce. I am very glad if you faw any thing like that ; 
 if the approbation of others can recommend me (where 
 1 much mone deli re it) to. this company. 
 
 Cler, Sen. Oh, the civil pcrfon- ! But dear Pounce, 
 
 you know I am your profefled admirer; ' I always cele- 
 ' brated you for your excellent fkill and addrefs, for that 
 4 happy knowledge of the world, which makes you feem 
 
 * born for living with the perfons you are with, where - 
 
 * ever you come.' Now, my brother and I want your 
 
 help
 
 io THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 help in a bufinefs that requires a little more dexterity than 
 we ourfelves are matters of. 
 
 Pounce. You know, Sir, my character is helping the 
 diilrefled, which I do freely, and without referve ; while 
 others are for diitinguiihing rigidly on the juftice of the 
 occaiion, and fo lofe the grace of the benefit Now 'tis 
 my profelfioii to affiit a free-hearted young fellow againfr. 
 an unnatural long-lived father to difencumber men of 
 pleafure of the vexation of unwieldy eftates, to fupport a 
 feeble title to an inheritance, to 
 
 Cler. Sen. I have been well acquainted with your merits 
 everfince I law you, with fomuch compailion, prompt a 
 
 hammering witnefs in Weftminfter-Hall that wanted 
 
 inftruftion 1 love a man that can venture his ears with 
 
 fo much bravery for his friend 
 
 Pounce. Dear Sir, fpare my modefly, and let me know 
 to what all this panegyric tends. 
 
 Cler. ben. Why, Sir, what I would fay is in behalf of my 
 brother the captain here, whole misfortune it is that I was 
 born before him. 
 
 Pounce. I am confident he had rather you fhould have 
 been fo, than any other man in England. 
 
 Cap. Cler. You do me juftice, Mr. Pounce But, 
 
 though 'tis to that gentleman, I am ftill a younger brother, 
 and you know we that are fo, are generally condemned to 
 ihops,* colleges, or inns of court. 
 
 Pounce. But you, Sir, have efcaped them ; you have 
 been trading in the noble mart of glory 
 
 Cap. Cler. That's true But the general makes fuch 
 
 hafteto finifhthe war, that we red coats may be foon out 
 
 of fafhicn and then I am a fellow of the mod eafy, 
 
 indolent difpofition in the world : I hate all manner of 
 bufinefs. . 
 
 Pounce. A compofed temper, indeed ! 
 
 Cap. Cler. In fuch a cafe, I ftould have no way of liveli- 
 hood, butcallingover this gentleman's dogs in the coun- 
 try, drinking his Hale beer to the neighbourhood, or mar- 
 rying a fortune. 
 
 Cler. Sen. To be fhort, Pounce 1 am putting Jack 
 
 upon marriage , and you are fo public an envoy, or rather 
 plenipotentiary, from the very different nations of Cheap- 
 tide, Covent-Garden, and St. James's ; you have, too, the 
 
 mien
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. ir 
 
 inieii and language of each place fo naturally, that you 
 are the propereft inftrument I know in the world, to help 
 an honeft young fellow to favour in one of them, by cre- 
 dit in the other. 
 
 Pounce. By what I underftand of your many prefaces, 
 gentlemen, the purpofe of all this is That it would 
 not, in the leaft, difcompofe this gentleman's eafy, indo- 
 lent difpolition, to fall into twenty thoufand pounds, tho* 
 it came upon him never fo fuddeniy. 
 
 Cap. Clcr. You are a very difcerning man How 
 
 -could you fee fo far through me, as to know I love a fine 
 woman, pretty equipage, good company, and a clean habi- 
 tation ? 
 
 Pounce. Well, though I am fo much a conjuror 
 What then ? 
 
 Cler. Sen. You know a certain perfon, into whofe 
 hands you now and then recommend a young heir, to be 
 relieved from the vexation of tenants, taxes, and fo 
 
 forth 
 
 Pounce. What ! my worthy friend, and city-patron, 
 Hezekiah Tipkin, banker, in Lombard-ftreet ; would the 
 noble captain lay any fums in his hands ? 
 
 Cap. Cler. No But the noble captain would have trea- 
 fure out of his handsWYou know his niece. 
 
 Pounce. To my knowledge, ten thoufand pounds in 
 money. 
 
 Cap. Cler. Such a flat u re ! fuch a blooming counte- 
 nance ! fo eafy a fliape ! 
 
 Pounce. In jewels of her grandmother's five thou- 
 fand 
 
 Cap. Cler. Her wit fo lively, her mien fo alluring ! 
 Pounce. In land a thoufand a year. 
 Cap. Cler. Her lips have that certain prominence, that 
 fwellingfoftnefs, that they invite to a preflltre ; her eyes 
 that languifh, that they give pain, though they look only 
 
 inclined to reft Her whole perfon that one charm 
 
 Pounce. Raptures ! Raptures ! 
 
 * Cap. Cler. How can it, fo infenfibly to itfelf, lead us 
 
 * through cares it knows not, through fuch a wildernefs 
 ' of hopes, fears, joys, forrows, defires, defpairs, ecfta- 
 
 * cies, and torments, with fo fweer, yet fo anxious vi- 
 
 * ciffitude! 
 
 Pounce.
 
 12 THE TENDER KUS3AND. 
 
 P-ouncc. Why I thought you had never feen her 
 
 Cap. Cler. No more I ha'n't. 
 
 Po>:cc. vVho told vou, then, of her inviting lips, her 
 foft ileepyeye; ? : 
 
 Cap. Cler. You yourfelf 
 
 V-vuncc. Sure you rave ; I never fpoke of her afore to 
 you. 
 
 Cap. Cler. Why, you won't face medoirn Did you not 
 juft now fay, flie had ten ti-'K^anj rounds in monev, five 
 in jewels, and a thoufand a year ? 
 
 Pounce. Iconfefs my own iVjplcity, and her charms 
 Why, if you were to meet, you would certainly pleafe her; 
 you have the cant of loving ; but, pray, may we be free ? 
 That young gentleman 
 
 Cap. Cler. A very honefr, modeft gentleman of my ac- 
 quaintance ; one that -h.is much more in him than he 
 appears to have ; you ihall know him better, Sir ; this 
 is Mr. Pounce. Mr. Pounce, this is Mr. Fainlove; I 
 inuft deli re you to let him be known to you, and your 
 friends. 
 
 Povic-:. I fliall be proud Well, then, fmce we may 
 be free, you mull ivnderuand, the young ladv, by being 
 kept tram the world, has made a world of her own 
 She has fpent all her fclittide m reading romances ; her 
 head is full of (Viepherds-, knights, flowery meads, groves, 
 and ftreains ; fo that it you talk like a man of this world 
 to her, you do nothing. 
 
 Cap. Cler. Oh, let me alone I have been a great tra- 
 veller in Fairy Land myfelf ! I know Oroondates, Cafian- 
 dra ; Ailrea and Clelia are my intimate acquaintance. 
 
 * Go, my heart's envoys, tender %hs make haile, 
 
 And with your breathJ well the.ibft Zephyr's blaiT: ; 
 
 * Then near that lair one, iryou chance- to fly, 
 
 * Tell her, in whiipers, 'tis for her I die.' 
 
 Pounce. That would do, that would do -her very 
 
 language. 
 
 C.lfr. $tn. Why then, dear Pounce, I know thou art 
 the only man living that can fene him. 
 
 Pounce. Gentlemen, you mini pardon me, I am fo- 
 liciting the marriage fectlemcnt between her and a 
 country-booby, hercoufin, Humphry Gubbm, S;r Har- 
 ry's
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. TJ 
 
 i-y's heir, who is come to town to take pofleffion of 
 her. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Well, all that I can fay to the matter is, 
 that a thoufand pounds on the day of Jack's marriage 
 to her, is more than you'll get by the difpatch of thol'e A 
 deeds. 
 
 Pounce. Why, a thoufand pounds is a pretty, thing, 
 efpecially when 'tis to take a lady fair out of the hands 
 of an obftinate ill-bred clown, to give her to a gentle 
 fwain, a dying enamour'd knight. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Ay, dear Pounce confider but that the 
 juftice of the thing. 
 
 Pounce. Befides, he is juft come from the glorious 
 Blenheim ! Look ye, Captain, 1 hope you have learned 
 an implicit obedience to your leaders. 
 Cap. Cler. 'Tis all I know. 
 
 Pounce. Then, if I am to command make no one 
 ftep without me and fince we may be free I am alfo to 
 acquaint you, there will be more merit in bringing this 
 matter to bear than you imagine Yet right meafures 
 make all things poffible. 
 
 Cap. Cler. We'll follow yours exactly. 
 Pounce. But the great matter againft us is want of time, 
 for the nymph's uncle, and fquire's father, this morning 
 
 mer, and made an end of the matter But the difficulty 
 
 of a thing, Captain, fliall be no reafon againft attempting 
 it. 
 
 Cap. Cler. I have fo great an opinion of your conducl, 
 vhat I warrant you we conquer all. 
 
 Pounce. I am fo intimately employed by old Tipkin, 
 and fo neceflary to him tfiat I may, perhaps, puzrlc 
 things yet. 
 
 Cler. Sen. I have fcen thee cajole the knave very 
 dextroufly. 
 
 Pounce. Why, really, Sir, generally fpeaking, 'tis 
 but knowing what a man thinks of himfelr, and giving 
 him that, to make him what elfe you pleafe Now Tip- 
 kin is an abfolute Lombard-flreet wit, a fellow that 
 drolls on the ftrength of fifty thoufand pounds : he it 
 called on 'Change/ Sly-boots, and by the force of a 
 very good credit, arid very bad confcience, he is a lead- 
 nig perfon ; but we mult be quick, or -he'll fneer old 
 B Str
 
 34- THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Sir Harry out of hisfenfes, and ftrike up the fale of his 
 niece immediately. 
 
 Cap. Cler. But my rival, what's he - 
 
 Pounce. There's Come hopes there, for I hear the booby 
 as as averfe, as his father is inclined to it - One is as 
 obftinate, as the other cruel. 
 
 Cler. Sen. He is, they fay, a pert blockhead, and very 
 lively out of his father's fight. 
 
 Pounce. He that gave me his character, called him a 
 docile dunce, a fellow rather abfurd, than a diredt fool 
 When his father's abfent, he'll purfue any thing he's put 
 upon But we muft not lofe time Pray be you two bro- 
 thers at home to wait for any notice from me -- While 
 that pretty gentleman and I, whofe face I have known, 
 take a walk and look about for them - So, fo - 
 young lady - \djicle to Fainlove.] 
 
 Enter Sir Harry Gubbin <m?Tipkin. 
 
 Sir Har. Look ye, brother Tipkin, as I told you be- 
 fore, my bufinefs in town i-s to difpofe of an hundred head 
 of cattle, and my fon. 
 
 Tip. Brother Gubbin, as I fignified to you in my latf, 
 bearing date September i^th, my niece has a thoufand 
 pounds per annum, and becaufe I have found you a plain- 
 dealing man (particularly in the eafy pad you put into my 
 hands lalt fummer) I was willing you fhould have the refu- 
 |al of my niece, provided that I have adifcharge from all 
 retro fpecls while her guardian, and one thoufand pounds 
 for my care. 
 
 Sir Har. Aye, but brother, you rate her too high, the 
 war has fetched down the price of women : the whole 
 nation is over-run with petticoats ; our daughters He 
 upon our hands, brother Tipkin ; girls are drugs, Sir, 
 mere drugs. 
 
 Tip. Look ye, Sir Harry - let girls be what they 
 will ' - a thoufand pounds a year, is a thoufand pounds a 
 year : and a thoufand pounds a year is neither girl nor 
 boy. 
 
 Sir Har. Look ye, Mr, Tipkin, the main article with 
 me is, that foundation of wives rebellion, and hufbands 
 cockoldom, that curfed pin-money five hundred 
 jpounds/w annum pin-money. 
 
 Tip.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. ij 
 
 Tip. The word pin-money, Sir Harry, is a term 
 
 Kir Har. It is a term, brother, we never had in our 
 family, nor ever will Make her jointure in widow-hood 
 accordingly large, but four hundred pounds a year is 
 enough to give no account of. 
 
 Tip. Well, Sir Harry, Cnce you can't fwallow thefe 
 pins, I will abate to four hundred pounds. 
 
 Sir Har. And to mollify the article as well as 
 
 fpecify theufes, we'll put in the names of feveral female 
 utenfils, as needles, knitting-needles, tape, thread, 
 fciflars, bodkins, fans, play-books, with other toys of 
 that nature. And now, fince we have as good as con- 
 cluded on the marriage, it will not be improper that the 
 young people fee each other. 
 
 Tip. I don't think it prudent till the very infiant of mar- 
 riage, left theyftiould not like one another. 
 
 Sir Har. They fliallmeet As for the young girl 
 
 file cannot diilike Numps ; and for Numps, I never dif- 
 fered him to have any thing he liked in his life. He'll be 
 here immediately ; he has been trained up from his child- 
 hood under fuch a plant as this in my hand 1 have 
 
 taken pains in his education. 
 
 Tip. Sir Harry, I approve your method ; for fince you 
 have left off hunting, you migisrGtherwife want exercife, 
 and this is a fubtle expedient to preferve your own health, 
 and your fon's good manners. 
 
 Sir Har. It has been thecuftom of the Gubbins to pre- 
 ferve lever ity and difcipline in their families I myfeU: 
 was caned the day before my wedding. 
 
 Tip. Aye, Sir Harry, had you not been well cudgelled 
 in youryouth, you had never been the man you are. 
 
 Sir Har. You fay right, Sir, now I feel the benefit of it 
 There's a crab-tree near our houfe, which flourishes for 
 the good of my pofterity, and has brufhed our jackets, 
 from rather to fon, for feveral generations 
 
 Tip I am glad to hear you have all things neceflary for 
 the family within yourfelves 
 
 Sir Har. Oh ! yonder, I fee Numps is coming 
 I have dreffed him in the very fuit I had on at my own 
 wedding j 'tis a moil becoming apparel. 
 
 B 2 Enter
 
 16 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Enter Humphry Gubbin. 
 
 Tip. Truly, the youth makes a good marriageable 
 figure. 
 
 Sir Har. Come forward, Numps, this is your uncle 
 Tipkin, your mother's brother, Numps, that is fo kind as 
 to beftow his niece upon you. Don't be foglum, firrah, 
 don't bow to a man with a face as if you'd knock him 
 down, don't, firrah. [Apart. 
 
 Tip. I am glad to fee you, coufin Humphry He is 
 
 not talkative, I obferve already. 
 
 Sir Har. He is very fhrewd, Sir, when he pleafes ; do 
 you fee this crab-fuck, you dog ! [Apart.] Well, Numps, 
 don't be out of humour. Will you talk? [Apart.] Come 
 we're your friends, Numps, ccme, lad. 
 
 Hump. You are a pure fellow for a father. This is 
 always your tricks, to make a great fool of one before com- 
 pany. [Apart to bis father.] 
 
 Sir Har. Don't difgrace me, firrah : you grim, grace- 
 
 lefs rogue [Apart.] Brother, he has been bred up 
 
 to re!pet and fiience before his parents -'Yet did you 
 
 but hear what a noife he makes fometimes in the kitchen, 
 or the kennel, he's the loudeft of them all. 
 
 Tip. Well, Sir Harry, fince you aflure me he can fpeak, 
 I'll take your word for it. 
 
 Hump. I can fpeak when I fee occafion, and I can hold 
 my tongue when I fee occafion. 
 
 Sir Har. Wellfaid. Numps firrah, I fee you can do 
 
 wejl, if you will. [Apart. ] 
 
 Tip. Pray walk up to me, coufin Humphrey. 
 
 Sir Har. Aye, walk to and fro between us, with 
 your hat under your arm. Clear up your countenance. 
 [Apart.] 
 
 Tip. Ifee, Sir Harry, you han't fethim a capering un- 
 der a French dancing -mailer : he does not mince it : he 
 ha's not learned to walk by a courant, or a boree His 
 paces are natural Sir Harry. 
 
 Hump. I don't know but it is, fo we walk in the weft of 
 England. 
 
 Sir Har. Aye, right, Numps, and fo we do Ha! 
 
 ha ! ha ! pray, brother, obferve his make, none of your 
 lath-backed wifhy wafhy breed Come hither, Numps. 
 Can't you ftand dill ? [Apart.] 
 
 [Meafuring kisfieulders. 
 
 Tip.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 17 
 
 Tip. I prefume this is not the firft time, Sir Harry, you 
 have mealured his flioulders with your cane. 
 
 Sir Har. Look ye, brother, two foot and an half in the 
 fhoulders. 
 
 Tip. Two feet and an half ? We mud make fome fettle- 
 ment on the younger children. 
 
 Sir Har, Not like him, quotha' ! 
 
 Tip. He may fee his coulinwhenhe pleafes. 
 
 Hump. But hark ye, uncle, I have a fcruple I had better 
 mention before marriage than after. 
 
 Tip. What's that ?' What's that ? 
 
 Hump. My coufin, you know, is a-kin to me, and I 
 don't think it lawful for a young man to marry his own 
 relations. 
 
 Sir Har. Hark ye, hark ye, Numps, we have got a way 
 to folve all that: firrah ! Coniider this cudgel! Your 
 coufin ! Suppofe I'd have you marry your grandmother ; 
 what then ? {Apart. ~\ 
 
 Tip. Wei!, has your father fatisfied you in the point, 
 Mr. Humphry ? 
 
 Hump. Aye, aye, Sir, very well : I have not the leaft 
 fcruple remaining ; no, no, not in the leaft, Sir. 
 
 Tip. Then hark ye, brother ; we'll go take a whet, and 
 fettle the whole affair. 
 
 Sir Har. Come, we'll leave Numps here he knows 
 
 the way. Not marry your own relations, lirrah ! [Apart.] 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Hump. Very fine, very fine ; how prettily this park is 
 flocked with ibldiers, and deer, and ducks, and Indies 
 Ha ! where are the old fellows gone ? where can tfyey be, 
 
 tro' I'll afk thefe people 
 
 , Enter Pounce and Fainlove. 
 
 Hump. Ha, you pretty young gentleman, did you fee 
 my father ? 
 
 Fain. Your father, Sir ? 
 
 Hump. A weazel- faced crofs old gentleman, with fpin- 
 dlefhanks? . 
 
 Fain. No, Sir. 
 
 Hump. A crab-tres ftick in his hand ? 
 
 Pounce. We ha'n't met any body with thefe marks, hut 
 fure I have feen you before Are not you Mr. Humphry 
 Gubbin, fon and heir to Sir Henry Oubbin ? 
 
 B 3 Hump*
 
 i8' THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Hump. I am his Ton and heir But how long I 
 
 fhall be fo I can't tell, for he talks every day of dilin- 
 heriting me. 
 
 Pounce. Dear Sir, let me embrace you Nay, don't 
 
 be offended if I take the liberty to kifs you ; Mr. Fain- 
 love, pray [Fain love ^//fo.] kifs the gentleman Nay, 
 dear Sir, don't flare and be furprifed, for I have had "a 
 defire to be better known to you ever lince I fiuv you one 
 day clinch you fift at your father, when his back was 
 
 turned upon you For I muft own I very much admire 
 
 a young gentleman of fpirit. 
 
 Hump. Why, Sir, would it not vex a man to the 
 heart, to have an old fool fnubbing a body every minute 
 afore company. 
 
 Pounce. Oh, fye ! he ufes you like a boy. 
 
 Hump. Like a boy ! He lays me on, now and then, 
 as if I were one of his hounds You can't think what a 
 rage he was in this morning, becaufe I boggled a little at 
 marrying my own coulin. 
 
 Pounce. A man can't be too fcrupulous, Mr. Humphry ; 
 a man can't be too fcrupulous. 
 
 Hump. Sir, I could as foon love my own flefh and 
 blood ; we fhould fquabble like brother and lifter ; do 
 
 you think we fhould not, Mr. ? Pray, gentlemen, 
 
 may I crave the favour of your names ? 
 
 Pounce. Sir, I am the very perfon that have been em- 
 ployed to draw up the articles of marriage between you 
 and your con fin. 
 
 Hump. Aye, fay you fo ? Then you can inform me in 
 
 feme things concerning myfelf ? Pray? Sir, what 
 
 eftate am I heir to ? 
 
 Peunce. To fifteen hundred pounds a year, an intailed 
 eitate 
 
 Hump. I am glad to hear it, with all my heart ; and 
 
 can you fatisfy me in another queition Pray how old 
 
 am I at prcient ? 
 
 Pounce. Three and twenty laft March. 
 
 Hump. Why, as flire as you are there, they have kept 
 ir.e back. I have been told by fome of the neighbour- 
 hood, that I was born the very year the pigeon houfe 
 was built, and every body knows rhe pigeon-houfe is 
 three and twenty Why, I find there has been tricks 
 2 played
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 19 
 
 played me ; I have obeyed him all along, as if I had 
 been obliged to it. 
 
 Pounce. Not at all, Sir ; your father can't cut you out 
 of one acre of fifteen hundred pounds a year. 
 
 Hum. What a fool have I been, to give him his head 
 fo long ! 
 
 Pounce. A man of your beauty and fortune may find 
 out ladies enough that are not a-kin to you. 
 
 Hump. Look ye, Mr. What-d'ye-call As to my beau- 
 ty, I don't know but they may take a liking to that 
 But, Sir, mayn't I crave your name? 
 
 Pounce. My name, Sir, is Pounce, at your fervice. 
 
 Hump. Pounce, with a P ! 
 
 Pounce. Yes, Sir, and Samuel with an S . 
 
 Hump. Why then, Mr. Samuel Pounce, do you know 
 any gentlewoman that you think I could like ? For, to 
 tell you truly, I took an antipathy to my coulin ever fince 
 my father propofed her to me And lince every body 
 knows I came up to be married, I don't care to go down, 
 and look baulked. 
 
 Pounce. I have a thought juft come into my head - 
 Do you fee this young gentleman ? He has a lifter, a 
 prodigious fortune 'Faith, youtwofhall be acquainted. 
 
 Fain. I can't pretend to expect fo accomplifhed a gen- 
 tleman as Mr. Humphrey for my filler ; but, being your 
 friend, I'll be at his fervice in the affair. 
 
 Hump. If I had your filler, fhe and I fhould live like 
 two turtles. 
 
 Pounce. Mr. Humphrey, you flian't be fool'd -any 
 longer. I'll carry you into company ; Mr. Fainlove > 
 you fliall introduce him to Mrs. Clerimont's toilette. 
 
 Fain. She'll be highly taken with him, for (he loves a 
 gentleman whofe manner is particular. 
 
 Pounce. What, bir, a perfon of your pretenfions, a 
 clear eftate, no portions to pay! Tis barbarous, your 
 treatment Mr. Humphry, I'ra afraid you want money 
 There's for you What, a man of your accomplifli- 
 ments! . [Giving a purfe. 
 
 Hvmp* And yet you fee, Sir, how they ufe me 
 
 Dear Sir, you are the bell friend I ever met with in all 
 my life Now I am flufh of money, bring me to your 
 filler, and 1 warrant you for my behaviour A man's 
 
 qu'uc
 
 20 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 quite another thing with money in his pocket you 
 
 know. 
 
 Pounce. How little the oaf wonders why I fhould give 
 him money ! You (hall never want, Mr. Humphry, 
 \vhile I have it, Mr. Humphry; but, dear friend, I 
 iniul take my leave of you, I have fome extraordinary 
 bufinels on my hands ; I can't ftay ; but you mull not 
 fay a word. 
 
 Fain. But you muft be in the way half an hour hence, 
 and I'll introduce you at Mrs. Clerimont's. 
 
 Poicncc. Make 'em believe you are willing to have 
 your coufin Bridget, 'till opportunity ferves. Farevvel, 
 dear friend . [ Exeun t Pounce and Fain. 
 
 Hump. Farewel, good Mr. Samuel Pounce But 
 
 let's fee my cafli 'tis very true, the old faying, a man 
 
 meets with more friendfhip from Grangers, than his own 
 
 relations Let's fee my cafli, one, two, three, four, 
 
 there on that fide one, two, three, four, on that fide ; 
 'tis a foolifh thing to put all one's money in one pocket, 
 'tis like a man's whole eftate in one county Thefe five 
 in my fobI'll keep thefe in my hand, left I Ihould 
 have a prefeut occafion But this town's full of pick- 
 pockets I'll go home again. \JLxit nxbijlling, 
 
 END of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enier Pounce, and Captain Clerimont ivitb his arm In A 
 Scarf. 
 
 POUNCE. 
 
 YOU are now well enough initructed both in the aunt 
 and niece to form your behaviour. 
 Cap. Ckr. But to talk with her apart is the great mat- 
 ter. 
 
 Poif>:ce. The antiquated virgin has a mighty affectation 
 for youth, and is a great lover of men and money 
 One of thefe, at leaft, I am fure I can gratify her in, 
 1 by turning her pence in the annuities, or the flocks of 
 ' one of the companies,' fome way or other I'll find to 
 cutertiiin her, anil engage you with the young lady. 
 
 ' Capt.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. z, 
 
 Capt. Cler. Since that Is her ladyfhip's turn, fo bufy 
 and fine a gentleman as Mr. Pounce muft needs be in her 
 good graces. 
 
 Pounce. So'ftia!! you too But you muft not be feen 
 
 with me at firft meeting; I'll dog 'em, while you watch 
 
 at a diflance. [Exeunt. 
 
 En far Aunt and Niece. 
 
 Niece. Was it not my gallant that whiffled fo charm- 
 ingly in the parlour, before he went out this morning ? 
 He's a mod accomplished cavalier. 
 
 Aunt. Come, niece, comeYou don't do well to 
 make fport with your relations, efpeciaily with a young 
 gentleman that has fo much kindnefs for you. 
 
 Niece. Kindnefs for me ! What a phrafe is there to ex- 
 prefs the darts and flames, the lighs and languimings of 
 an expecting lover ! 
 
 Aunt. Pray, niece, forbear this idle trafli, and talk 
 like other people. Your coufin Humphry will be true 
 and hearty in what he fays, and that's a great deal better 
 than the talk and compliment of romances. 
 
 Niece. Good Madam, don't wound my ears with fuch 
 expreffions ; do you think I can ever love a man that's 
 true and hearty ! What a peafant-like amour do thefe 
 ccarfe words import ? True and hearty ! Pray, aunt, 
 endeavour a little at the embellifhment of your ftile. 
 
 Aunt. Alack-a-day, coufm Biddy, thefe idle romances 
 have quite turned your head. 
 
 Niece. How often muft I defire you, Madam, to lay 
 afide that familiar name, coufm Biddy ? I never hear it 
 
 without blufhing Did you ever meet with an heroine, 
 
 in thofe idle romances as you call 'em, that was termed 
 Biddy ? 
 
 Aunt. Ah, coufm, coufm Thefe are meer vapours, 
 
 indeed Nothing but vapours. 
 
 Niece* No, the heroine has always fomething foft and 
 engaging in her name---Something that gives us a no- 
 tion of the fweetnefs of her beauty and behaviour. A 
 name that glides through half a dozen tender fyllables, 
 as Elifmunda, Clidamira, Deidamia, that runs upon 
 vowels of the tongue, not hilling through one's teeth, 
 
 cr breaking them with conibnants 'Tis ftrange rude- 
 
 nefs thofe familiar names they give us, when there is 
 
 Aurelia,
 
 22 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Aurelia, SaccharifTa, Gloriana, for people of condition j 
 and Celia, Chloris, Corinna, Mopfa, for their maids and 
 thofe of lower rank. 
 
 Aunt. Look ye, Biddy, this iq not to be fupported--- 
 I .know not where you learned this nicety ; but I can tell 
 you, forfooth, as much as you dei'pife it, your mother 
 was a Bridget before you, and an excellent houfewife. 
 
 Niece. Good Madam, don't upbraid me with my mo- 
 ther Bridget, and an excellent houfewife. 
 
 Aunt. Yes, I fay, {he was, and fpent her time in 
 better learning than ever you did not in reading of 
 fights and battles of dwarfs and giants ; but in writing 
 out receips for broths, poflets, caudles and furfeit-wa- 
 ters, as became a good country gentlewoman. 
 
 Niece. My mother, and a Bridget ! 
 
 Aunt. Yes, niece, I fay again your mother, my fitter, 
 was a Bridget ! the daughter of her mother Margery, of 
 her mother Sifly, of her mother Alice. 
 
 Niece. Have you no mercy ? Oh, the barbarous ge- 
 nealogy ! 
 
 Aitnt. Of her mother Winifred, of her mother Joan. 
 
 Niece. Since you will run on, then I muft needs tell 
 you I am not fatisfied in the point of my nativity. Many 
 an infant has been placed in a cottage with obfcure pa- 
 rents, 'till by chance fome ancient fervant of the family 
 has known it by its marks. 
 
 Aunt. Aye, you had beft be fearched That's like 
 
 your calling the winds the fanning gales, before I don't 
 know how much company ; and the tree that was blown 
 by it, had, forfooth, a fpirit imprifoned in the trunk 
 of it. 
 
 Nit-ce. Ignorance ! 
 
 Aunt. Then a cloud this morning had a flying dragon 
 in it. 
 
 Niece. What eyes had you that you could fee nothing ? 
 For my part I look upon it to be a prodigy, and exped 
 fomething extraordinary will happen to me before night 
 
 But you have a grofs relifh of things. What noble 
 
 defcriptions in romances had been loll, if the writers had 
 been perfons of your gout ? 
 
 Aunt. I wilh the authors had been hanged, and their 
 books burnt, before you had feeu 'em.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 23 
 
 Niece. Simplicity ! 
 
 Aunt. A parcel of improbable lies 
 
 Niece. Indeed, Madam, your raillery is coarfe 
 
 Aunt. Fit only to corrupt young girls, and fill their 
 heads with a thoufand foolifh dreams of I don't know 
 what. 
 
 Niece. Nay, now, Madam, you grow extravagant. 
 
 Aunt. What I fay is not to rex, but advife you for 
 your good. 
 
 Niece. What, to burn Philocles, Artaxerxes, Oroon- 
 dates, and the reft of the heroic lovers, and take my 
 country booby, coufin Humphry, for an hufband ! 
 
 Aunt. Oh, dear, Oh, dear, Biddy ! Pray, good dear, 
 learn to ad and fpeak like the reft of the world ; come, 
 come, you fhali marry your coufin, and live comfort- 
 ably. 
 
 Niece. Live comfortably ! What kind of life is that ? 
 A great heire/s live comfortably ! Pray, aunt, learn to 
 *aife your ideas "What is, I wonder, to live comfort- 
 ably ? 
 
 Aust. To live comfortably, is to live with prudence 
 and frugality, as we do in Lombard-ftreet. 
 
 Niece. As we do That's a fine life indeed, with 
 
 ene fervant of each fex Let's fee how many things 
 
 our coachman is good for He rubs down his horfes, 
 
 lays the cloth, whets the knives, and fometimcs makes 
 beds. 
 
 Aunt. A good fervant fliould turn his hand to every 
 thing in a family. 
 
 Niece. Nay, there's not a creature in our family, that 
 has not two or three different duties ; as John is butler, 
 footman, and coachman ; fo Mary is cook, laundrefs, 
 and chamber-maid. 
 
 Aunt. Well, and do you laugh at that ? 
 
 Niece. No not I nor at the eoach-horfes, tho' 
 
 one has an eafy trot for my uncle's riding, and t'other an 
 eafy pace for your fide-faddle 
 
 Aunt. And fo you jeer as the good management of 
 your relations, do you ? 
 
 Niece. No, I'm well fatisfied that all the houfe are 
 creatures of bufinefs ; but indeed was in hopes that my 
 poor little lap-dog might have lived with me upon my 
 
 fortune
 
 24 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 fortune without an employment ; but my uncle threatens 
 every clay to mske him a turn-fpit, that he too, in his 
 fphere, may help us to live comfortably - 
 
 Aunt. Hark ye, coufm Biddy. 
 
 Nicer. I vow I'm out of countenance, when our but- 
 ler, with his careful face, drives us all flowed in a cha- 
 riot drawn by one horfe ambling, and t'other trotting 
 with his provitions behind tor the family, from Saturday 
 night till Monday morning, bound for Hackney - 
 Then we make a comfortable figure, indeed. 
 
 Aunt. So we do, and fo wi.l you always, if you marry 
 your coufin Humphry. 
 
 Niece. Name not the creature. 
 
 Aunt. Creature ! what your own coufin a creature ! 
 
 Niece. Oh, let's be going ; I fee yonder another crea- 
 ture that does my uncle's law bufinefs, and has, I believe, 
 made ready the deeds, tlnofe barbarous deeds ! 
 
 Aunt. \Vhat, Mr. Pounce a creature too! Nay, now, 
 I'm fure you're ignorant You fliall ftay, and you'll 
 learn mote wit from him in an hour, than in a thouiand 
 of yburfoolifh books in an age -- Your Tenant, Mr, 
 Pounce. 
 
 Enter Pounce. 
 
 Pounce. Ladies, I hope I don't interrupt any private 
 difcourfe. 
 
 Axnt. Not in the lead, Sir. 
 
 Pounce. I fliould be loth to be efleem'd one of thofe 
 who think they have a privilege of mixing in all com- 
 panies, without any bufinefs, but to bring forth a loud 
 laugh, or vain jeft. 
 
 Niece. He talks with the mien and gravity of a Paladin. 
 
 Pounce. Madam, I bought the other day at three and 
 an half, and fold at feven. 
 
 Aunt. Then pray, Sir, fell for me in time. Niece, 
 mind him ; he has an infinite deal of wit 
 
 Pounce. This that I fpenk of was for you - 1 ne- 
 ver negleft fuch opportunities to ferve my friends. 
 
 Aunt. Indeed', Mr. Pounce, you are, I proteft, with- 
 out flatten-, the wittieft man in the world. 
 
 P-viiHce. I allure you, Madam, I faid Inft night, before
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 2$ 
 
 an hundred head of citizens, that Mrs. Barflieba Tipkiri. 
 Was the moft ingenious young lady in the liberties. 
 
 Aunt. Well, Mr. Pounce, you are fo facetious- 
 But you are always among the great ones -'Tis no 
 
 wonder you have it. 
 
 Niece. Idle ! idle ! 
 
 Pounce, But, Madam, you know Alderman Grey- 
 
 goofe, he's a notable joking man. Well, fays he, 
 
 here's Mrs. Barfheba's health She's my miftrefs. 
 
 Aunt. That man makes me fplit my fides with laugh- 
 ing, he'sfuch a wag (Mr. Pounce pretends Grey- 
 
 goofe faid all this, but I know 'tis his own wit, for he's 
 in love with me.) [AJide. 
 
 Pounce. But, Madam, there's a certain affair I fliould 
 communicate to you. [Apart, 
 
 Aunt. Aye, tis certainly fo He wants to break his 
 mind to me. [/!fi<lc.~\ [Captain Cleiimont faffing. 
 
 Pounce. Oh, Mr. Clerimont, Mr. Clerimont---Ladies, 
 pray let me introduce this young gentleman, he's my 
 friend, a youth of great virtue and goodnefs, for all he is 
 in a red coat. 
 
 Aunt. If he's your friend, we need not doubt his 
 virtue. 
 
 Capt.Clcr. Ladies, you are taking the cool breath of 
 the morning. 
 
 Niece. A "pretty phrafe. \_AJMe 
 
 Aunt. That's the pleafanteft time this warm weather. 
 
 Capt. Ckr. Oh, 'tis the feafon of the pearly dews, and 
 gentle zcpyhrs. 
 
 Niece. Aye ! pray mind that again, aunt. \_Afide. 
 
 Pounce. Shan't we repofe ourfelves on yonder feat ? I 
 love improving company, and to communicate. 
 
 Aunt. 'Tis certainly 'fo He's in love with me, 
 
 and wants opportunity to tell me fo 1 don't care if 
 
 ue do He's a moft ingenious man. 
 
 [Exeunt Aunt and Pounce. 
 
 Capt. Ckr. We enjoy here, Madam, all the pretty 
 land icapes of the country, without the pains of going 
 thither. 
 
 Niece. Art and nature are in a rivalry, or rather a 
 confederacy, to adorn this beauteous park with all the 
 agreeable variety of water, lluule, walks, and air.
 
 2 6 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 What can be more charming than thefe flowery lawns ? 
 
 Capt. Cler. Or thefe gloomy (hades ? 
 
 Niece. Or thefe embroider'd vallies ? 
 
 Capt, Cler. Or that tranfparent ftream ? 
 
 Niece. Or thefe bowing branches on the banks of if, 
 that feem to admire their own beauty in the cryftal mir- 
 rour ? 
 
 Capt. Cler. I am furprifed, Madam, at the delicacy of 
 your phrafe Can fuch expreffiuns come from Lom- 
 bard -ftreet ? 
 
 Niece. Alas ! Sir, what can be expected from an inno- 
 cent virgin, that has been immur'd almoft one and twenty 
 years from the converfation of mankind, under the care 
 of an Urganda of an aunt ? 
 
 Capt. Cler. Blefs me, Madam, how have you been 
 abus'd ! Many a lady before your age has had an hun- 
 dred lances broken in her fervice, and as many dragons 
 cut to pieces in honour of her. 
 
 Niece. Oh, the charming man ! \_Ajidc. 
 
 Capt. Cler. Do you believe Pamela was one and twenty 
 before fhe knew Mufidorus ? 
 
 Niece. I could hear him ever. \Afl3e. 
 
 Capt. Cler. A lady of your wit and beauty might have 
 given occasion for a whole romance in folio before that 
 age. 
 
 Niece. Oh, the powers ! Who can he be? Oh, youth 
 unknown ! But let me, in the firft place, know whom 
 I talk to, for, Sir, I am wholly unacquainted both with 
 your perfon, and your hi(tory---You feem, indeed, by 
 your deportment, and the diftinguifhing mark of your 
 bravery which you bear, to have been in a conflict- May 
 I not know what cruel beauty obliged you to fuch adven- 
 tures, till fhe pitied you ? 
 
 Capt. Cler. Oh, the pretty coxcomb ! \_AJtde.~\ Oh, 
 Blenheim, Blenheim ! Oh, Cordelia, Cordelia ! 
 
 Niece. You mention the place of battle -I would 
 
 fain hear an-exacl: defcription of it Our public pa- 
 pers are fo defective, they don't fo much as tell us how 
 
 the fun rofe on that glorious day Were there not a 
 
 great many flights of vultures before the battle began r 
 
 Capt. Cler. Oh, Madam, they have eaten up half my 
 acquaintance.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 27 
 
 Niece. Certainly never birds of prey were fo feafled : 
 by report, they might have lived half a year on the very 
 legs and arms our troops left behind them. 
 
 Cap. Clcr. Had we not fought near a wood, we fliould 
 never have got legs enough to have come home upon. 
 The joiner of the foot guards has made his fortune by it. 
 
 A'.Ycr. I (hall never forgive your general ; he has put 
 all my ancient heroes out of countenance; he has pulled 
 down Cyrus and Alexander, as much as Louis le Grand. 
 But, your own part in that aclion ? 
 
 Cap. Cler. Only that flight hurt ; for the aftrologer 
 faid, at my nativity : Nor fire, nor (word, nor pike, nor 
 mufquet fhall deftroy this child ; let him but avoid fair 
 eves. But, Madam, mayn't I crave the name of her that 
 has captivated my heart ? 
 
 Niece. I can't guefs whom you mean by that defcrip- 
 tion ; but, if you afk my name, I muft confefs, you put 
 me upon revealing what I always keej> as the greateft le- 
 cret I have : for, would you believe it ? they have 
 called me I don't know how to own it but they have 
 called me Bridget. 
 
 Cap. Cler. Bridget ? 
 
 Niece. Bridget. 
 
 Cap. Cler. Bridget ? 
 
 Niece. Spare my confufion, I befeech yofl, Sir ; and 
 if you have occafion to mention me, let it be by Farthe- 
 niifa ; for that's the name I have affumed ever fince I came 
 to years of difcretion. 
 
 Gtptder* The inlltppertable tyranny of parents, to fix 
 names on helplefs infants which they muft blufh at all 
 their lives after ! I don't think there's a firname in the 
 world to match it. 
 
 Niece. No ! What do you think of Tipkin ? 
 
 Cap. Ckr. Tipkin ! Why, I think, if I was a young 
 lady that had it, I'd part with it immediately. 
 
 Niece. Pray, how would you get rid of it ? 
 
 Cap. Ckr. I'd change it for another. I could recom- 
 mend to you three very pretty fyllables What do you 
 think of Clerimont ? 
 
 Niece. Clerimont ! Clerimont ! Very wellBut what 
 right have I to it ? 
 
 Qtp. Clcr. If you will give me leave, I'll put you in 
 C 2 pofleffiott
 
 *8 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 poflefficn of It. By a very few words, I can make it over 
 to you, and your children after you. 
 
 Tltfce. Oh, fie ! whither are you running ? You know 
 a lover fcould figh in private, and languifh whole year?, 
 before he reveals his paffion ; he fhould retire into feme 
 folitary grove, and make the woods and wild hearts his 
 confidents. You fliould have told it to the echo half a 
 year before you had difcovered it even to my handmaid. 
 
 And yet, befides, to talk to me of children Did you 
 
 ever hear of a heroine with a big belly ? 
 
 Cap. Cler. What can a lover do, Madam, now the race 
 of giants is extincl: f Had I lived in thofedays, there had 
 not been a mortal fix feet high, but fhould have owned 
 TarthenifTa for the paragon of beauty, or meafured. his 
 
 length on the ground PartheniiTa fhould have been 
 
 heard by the brooks snd defarts at midnight ; the echo's 
 burden, and the river's murmur. 
 
 Niece. That had been a golden age, indeed ! But fee, 
 my aunt has left her grave companion, and is coming to- 
 wards us. I command you to leave me. 
 
 Cap, Cler. Thus Oroondates, when Statira difmifTed 
 him her prefence, threw himfelf at her feet, and implored 
 permiflion but to live. \Pff cr ^ n S to kneel. 
 
 Niece, And thus Statira r?.5fed him from the earth, 
 permitting him to live and love. [Exit Cap, Cler. 
 
 Enter Aunt, 
 
 Aunt. Is not Mr. Pounce's converfation very im- 
 proving, niece? 
 
 Niece. Is not Mr. Clerlrnont a very pretty name* aunt I 
 
 Aunt. He has fo much prudence. 
 
 Niece. He has fo much gallantry. 
 
 Aunt. So fententious in his expreffions. 
 
 Niece. So poliflied in his language. 
 
 Aunt. All he fays, is, methinks, fo like a fermon. 
 
 ffzece, AH he fpeaks favours of romance. 
 
 Aunt. Romance, niece ! Mr. Pounce ! what, favours 
 of romance ? 
 
 Niece. No, I mean his friend, the accomplifhed Mr. 
 Clerimont. 
 
 Aunt. Fie ! for one of your years to commend a young 
 
 fellow 
 
 Niece*
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 29 
 
 Niece. One of my years is mightily governed by ex- 
 ample You did not diflike Mr. Pounce. 
 
 Aunt. What, cenforious too ? I find there is no trufting 
 you out of the houfe : a moment's frelh air does but 
 make you ftill the more in love with Grangers, and de- 
 fpife your own relations. 
 
 Niece. I am certainly, by the power of an enchantment 
 placed among you ; but, I hope, I, this morning, em- 
 ployed one to feek adventures, and break the charm. 
 
 Aunt. Vapours, Biddy, indeed ; nothing but vapours, 
 Couiin Humphry {hall break the charm. 
 
 Niece. Name him not Call me itill Biddy, rather 
 
 than name that brute. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Captain Clerimont and Pounce. 
 Cap. Clcr. A perfeft Quixote in petticoats ! I tell thee, 
 Pounce, the governs herfelf wholly by romance. It has 
 got into her very blood. She flarts by rule, and blufhea 
 by example. Could I but have produced one inllanee of 
 a lady's complying at firft fight, I fhould have gained her 
 promife on the fpot. How am I bound tocurfe the cold 
 conftitutions of the Philoclea's and Statira's ? I am un- 
 done for want of precedents. 
 
 Pounce. I am fure I laboured hard to favour your con- 
 ference ; and plied the old woman all the while with 
 fomething that tickled either her vanity or her covetouf- 
 nefs ; ' I confidered all the flocks, old and new company, 
 her own complexion and youth, partners for i'word- 
 blades, chamber of London, banks for chanty, and 
 mine adventurers, till fhe told me I had the repute of 
 the moft facetious man that ever came to Garra- 
 way's : for, you muft know, public knaves and flock- 
 jobbers pafs for wits at her end of the town, as com- 
 mon cheats and gamefters do at yours.' 
 Cap. Cler. I pity the drudgery you have gone through ; 
 but what is next to be done, towards getting my pretty 
 heroine ? 
 
 Pounce. What fhould next be done, in ordinary me- 
 thod of things ? You have feen her ; the next regular 
 approach is, that you cannot fubfift a moment, without 
 fending forth mufical complaints of your misfortune, by 
 way of ferenade. 
 
 Cat, Clcr. I can nick you there, Sir. I have a fcrib- 
 C'3 Wing
 
 ;o THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 ' bling army friend, that has wrote a triumphant, rare, 
 ' noify fong, in honour of the late victory, that will hit 
 * the nymph's fantafque to a hair.' I'll get every thing 
 ready as foon as poflible. 
 
 Pounce. While you are playing upon the fort, I'll be 
 within, and obferve what execution you do, and give you 
 intelligence accordingly. 
 
 Cap. Clcr. You mutl have an eye upon Mr. Humphry, 
 while I feed the vanity of Parthenifla : for I am fo expe- 
 rienced in thefe matters, that I know none but coxcombs 
 think to win a woman by any defert of their own. No, 
 jt muftbedone rather by complying with fome prevailing 
 humour of your miflrefs, than exerting any good quality 
 in yourfelf. 
 
 'Tis not the lover's merit wins the field, 
 
 But to themfelves alone the beauteous yield. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 END of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 ILnter Mrs. Clerimont, Fainlove, carrying her lap-Jog^ 
 and Jenny. 
 
 JENNY. 
 
 MADAM, the footman that's recommended to you 
 is below, if your ladyfhip will pleafe to take him. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Oh, fie ! don't believe I'll think on't It is 
 impoffible he fhould be good for any thing The Englifh 
 are fo fancy with their liberty I'll have all my lower fer- 
 vants French There cannot be a good footman born out 
 of an abfolute monarchy. 
 
 Jen. I am beholden to your ladyfhip, for believing fo 
 well of the maid-fervams in England. 
 
 Mrs. Clcr. Indeed, Jenny, I could wifhthou wert real- 
 ly French: for thou art plain Englifh, in fpite of ex- 
 ample. Your arms do but hang on, and you move per- 
 fectly upon joints. Not with a fwim of the whole per- 
 
 ion But I am talking to you, and have not adjufled 
 
 jnyfelf to-day. What pretty company a glafs ! to have 
 another feif ! [Kffif the dog.~\ The converie in folilcquy ! 
 
 To
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 31 
 
 To have company that never contradi&s or difpleafes us ! 
 The pretty, vifible echo of our actions ! [Rifles the dog,'} 
 How eafy, too, it is to be difenc umbered with itays, 
 where a woman has any thing like fliape ; if no fhape, 
 
 a good air But I look beft when I'm talking. 
 
 [KiJJes the lap-dog in Fainlove'j arms, 
 
 Jen. You always look well. 
 
 Mrs. Cicr. For I'm always talking; you mean fo ; that 
 difquiets thy fallen Englifh temper; but really I don't 
 look fowell when I am filent. it I do but offer tofpeak, 
 then I may fay that - Oh, blefs me Jenny ! I am fopale, I 
 am afraid of myfelf "; I have not laid on half red enough- 
 What a dough-baked thing was I, before I improved my- 
 felf, and travelled for beauty However, my face is 
 very prettily defigned to-day. 
 
 Fain. Indeed, Madam, you begin to have fo fine a 
 hand, that you are younger every day than other. 
 
 Mrs. Clcr. The ladies abroad ufed to call me Mademoi- 
 felle Titian, I was fo famous for my colouring. But, 
 pr'ythee, wench, bring me my black eye-brows out of 
 the next room. 
 
 Jen. Madam, I have them in mv hand. 
 
 fain. It would be happy for all that are to fee you to- 
 day, if you could change your eyes too. 
 
 Mrs. Clcr. Gallant enough No, hang it, I'll wear 
 thefe I have on ; this mode of vifage takes mightily; I 
 had thre~e ladies, laft week, came over to my complexion. 
 I think to be a fair woman this fortnight, till I find I am 
 aped too much I believe there are an hundred copies of 
 me already. 
 
 Jen. Dear Madam, won't your ladyfhip pleafe to kc 
 me be of the next countenance you leave off? 
 
 M'-s. Clcr. You may, Jenny ; but I afTure you it is a 
 very pretty piece of ill-nature for a woman that has any 
 genius for beauty, to obferve the fervile imitation of her 
 manner, her motion, her glances, and herfmiles. 
 
 .Fain. Ay, indeed, Madam, nothing can be fo ridicu- 
 lous as to imitate the inimitable. 
 
 Mrs. Clcr. Indeed, as you fay, Fainlove, the French 
 mien is no more to be learned than the language, without 
 going thither Then again, to fee fome poor ladies, who 
 have clownifh, penurious English huibands, turn and tor- 
 ture
 
 3 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 ture their old cloaths into fo many forms, and dye them 
 into fo many colours, to follow me What fayeft, Jenny ? 
 What fayeft ? Not a word ? 
 
 Jen. Why, Madam, all that I can fay 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Nay, I believe, Jenny, thou haft nothing- 
 to fay, any more than the reft of thy country women 
 The iplenetics fpeak juft as the weather lets them ; they 
 are mere talking barometers. Abroad, people of quality 
 go on fo eternally, and ftill go on, and are gay, and enter- 
 tain In England, difcourfe is made up of nothing but 
 queftion and anfvver. I was t'other day at a vifit, where 
 there was a profound filence, for, I believe, the third 
 part of a minute. 
 
 Jen, And your ladyftiip there ? 
 
 Mrs. Cler. They infe6ted me with their dulnefs. Who 
 can keep up their good humour at an Englifh vifit ? They 
 lit as at a funeral, filent in the midil of many candles 
 One, perhaps, alarms the room 'Tis very cold weather 
 then all the mutes play their fans till fome other quef- 
 tion happens, and then their fans go off again. 
 ' Enter Boy. 
 
 4 JRny. Madam, your fpinnet mafter is come. 
 
 * Mrs. Cler. Bring him in ; he's very pretty company. 
 
 * Fain. His fpinnet is ; he never fpeaks himfelf. 
 
 ' Mrs. Cler. Speak, fimpleton ! What then ? He keeps 
 
 * out lilence, does not he ? 
 
 ' Enter Vajier. 
 
 * Oh, Sir, you muft forg'iTe me ; I have been very id!e. 
 
 * Well, you pardon me. \Maftcr lows.'] Did you think 
 1 I was perfect in the fong ? [7?<ni'j.] But, pray, 1st me 
 
 * hear it once more. Let us fee it. [Reads. 
 
 'SONG. 
 
 With ftudied airs, and pracYis'd fmiles,. 
 Flavia my ravifh'd heart beguiles : 
 The charms we make, are ours alone, 
 Nature's works are not our own. 
 
 * Her fkilful hand gives ev'ry grace, 
 
 * And fliews her fancy in her face ; 
 
 ' She feeds with art an am'rous rage, 
 ' Nor fears the force of coming age, 
 
 You
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 33 
 
 You ling it very well j but, I confefs, I wifii you'd 
 give more into the French manner Obierve me hum 
 it a la Fran^olfe. 
 
 fr With itudied airs, CSV. 
 
 The whole perfon, every limb, every nerve fings 
 
 The Englifli way, is only being, for that time, a mere 
 mufical mftrument, juft fending forth a found, without 
 knowing they do ib. Now I'll give you a. little of it 
 like an Englifh woman You are to fuppoie I have 
 denied you twenty times, looked filly, and all that ; 
 then, with hands and face infenfible I have a mighty 
 
 cold.- 1 With itudied airs, sV.' 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Madam, Captain Clerimont, and a very ftrange 
 gentleman are come to wait on you. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Let him and the very ftrange gentleman 
 come in. 
 
 Fain. Oh, Madam ! that's the country gentleman I 
 was telling you of. 
 
 Enter Humphry and Captain Clerimont. 
 Madam, may I t)o myfelf the honour to recommend Mr. 
 Gubbin, fen and heir to Sir Harry Gubbin, to your la- 
 dy /hi p's notice ? 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Mr. Gubbin, I am extremely pleafed with 
 your fuit ; 'tis antique, and originally from France. 
 
 Hump. It is always locked up, Madam, when I'm in 
 the country. My father prizes it mightily. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. 'Twould make a very prety dancing fuit in 
 a mafk. Oh, Captain Clerimont ! I have a quarrel 
 with you. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Madam, your ladyfhip's hufband defires to know 
 whether you fee company to-day, or not. 
 Mrs. Cler. Who, you clown ? 
 Scrv. Mr. Clerimont, Madam. 
 Mrs. Cler. He may come in. 
 
 Enter Clerimont, Senior. 
 Mrs. Cler. Your very humble fervant. 
 Cler. Sen. I was going to take the air this morning, in 
 my coach, and did myfelf the honour, before I went, to 
 receive your commands, finding you law company. 
 Mrs. Cler. At any time, when you know I do, you may 
 
 let
 
 34 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 let me fee you. Pray, how did you deep lait night ? 
 If I had not aflted him that queftion, they might have 
 thought we lay together. \_Afede.'} [Here Fainlove, looking 
 through a perfpcSlive^ t>ows to Clerimont, Senior.] But, 
 Captain, I have a quarrel with you I have utterly for- 
 got thofe three coupees you promifed to come again, and 
 ihew me. 
 
 Cler, Sen. Then, Madam, you have no commands this 
 morning ? 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Your humble fervanr, Sir But, Oh ! 
 
 \As foe is going to be led ly the Captain.~\ Have you figned 
 that mortgage, to pay off my Lady Faddle's winnings 
 at ombre ? 
 
 Cler. Sen. Yes, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Then all's well, my honour's fafe. [Exit. 
 Clermont, Sen.] Come, Captain, lead me this ilep, for 
 I'm apt to make a falfe one you fliall (hew me. 
 
 Cap. Cler. I'll fhew you, Madam ; 'tis no matter for a 
 fiddle : I'll give you them the French way, in a teaching 
 tune. Pray, more quick Mademoifclle que faitcs 
 *vousA moi There again Now flide, as it were, with 
 and without meafure There you out-did the gypfey 
 and you have all the fmiles of the dance to a tittle. 
 
 * Mrs. Cler. Why, truly, I think that the greateft 
 4 part. I have feen an Englifli woman dance a jig with 
 4 the fe verity of a veftal virgin.* 
 
 Humph. If this be French dancing and finging, I fancy 
 I could do it Haw ! Haw ! [Capers a/Uf, 
 
 Mrs. Cler. I proteft, Mr. Gubbin, you hare alinoft the 
 
 Give me 
 -That's 
 this fpark 
 
 Cler, 
 
 Humph. This cutting fohigh, makes one's money jingle 
 confoundedly; I'm refolved I'll never carry above one 
 pocket-full hereafter. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. You do it very readily. You amaze me. 
 Humph. Are the gentlemen in France generally fo 
 well bred as we are in England ? Are they, Madam ? 
 Ha : But, young gentleman, when flaall I fee this fifter ? 
 
 Haw I
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 3$ 
 
 Haw ! haw ! haw ! Is not the higher one jumps, the 
 better ? 
 
 Fain. She'll be mightily taken with you, I'm fure. 
 One would not think 'twas in you you are fo gay, and 
 dance fo very high 
 
 Humph. What fliould ail me ? Did you think I was 
 wind-galled ? I can fing, too, if I pleale ; but I won't, 
 till I fee your filler. This is a mighty pretty houfe. 
 
 Mrs. Clcr. Well, do you know that I like this gentle- 
 man extremely ? I fhoulu be glad to form him. But, 
 were you never in France, Mr. Gtibbin ? 
 
 Humph. No; but I'm always thus pleafant, if my fa- 
 ther is not by. I proteft, I'd advife your filler to have 
 me. I'm for marrying her at once. Why fliould 1 iland 
 fhilly-flially, like a country bumpkin ? 
 
 Fain. Mr. Gubbin, I dare fay (he'll be as forward as 
 you ; we'll go in and fee her. [Apart. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Then he has not yet feen the lady he is in 
 love with. I proteft, very new and gallant. Mr. Gub- 
 bin, fne mull needs believe you a frank perfon. Fain- 
 Jove, I mufl fee this filler too. I am refolved fhe {hall 
 Tike him. 
 
 There needs not time true paffion to difcover : 
 
 The moft believing is the mod a lover. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Niece. 
 
 Oh, ClerimontjClerimont ! To be ftruck at firft fight ! 
 I'm afliamed of rny weaknefs ; I find in myfelf all the 
 fymptoms of a raging amour ; I love folitude ; I grow 
 pale : I figh frequently ; I call upon the name of Cleri- 
 mont when I don't think of it ; his perfon is ever in 
 my eyes, and his voice in my ears. Methinks I long to 
 lofe myfelf in fome penfive grove, or to hang over the 
 head of fome warbling fountain, with a lute in my hand, 
 foftening the murmurs of the water. 
 Enter Aunt. 
 
 Aunt. Biddy, Biddy ! Where's Biddy Tipkin? 
 
 Niece. Whom do you enquire for ? 
 
 Aunt. Come, come ; he is juft a coming at the park 
 door. 
 
 Niece. Who is coining ? 
 
 Aunt. Your coufin Humphry Who fliould be 
 
 coming ? Your lover, your hufband that is to be. Pray, 
 i my
 
 5 6 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 my dear, look well, and be civil, for your credit, and 
 mine too. 
 
 Niece. If he anfvvers my idea, I fhall rally the ruilic 
 to death. 
 
 - Aunt. Hift here he is. 
 
 Enter Humphry. 
 
 Humph. Aunt, your humble fervant Is that 
 Ha! aunt? 
 
 Aunt. Yes, coufin Humphry, that's your coufin 
 Bridget. Well, I'll leave you together. 
 
 {Exit Aunt. They fit. 
 
 Humph. Aunt does as flie'd be done by, coufin Bridget, 
 does not (he, coufin f ha ! What, are you a Londoner, 
 and not fpeak to a gentleman ? Look ye, coufin, the old 
 folks refolving to marry us, I thought it would be proper 
 to fee howl liked you, as not caring to buy a pig in a poke ; 
 for I love to look before I leap. 
 
 AVar. Sir, your perfon and addrefs bring to my mind 
 the whole hiilory of Valentine and Orfon. What, would 
 they marry me to a wild man ? Pray, anfwer me a quef- 
 tion or two. 
 
 Humph. Ay, ay, as many as you pleafe, coufin Bridget. 
 
 Niece. What wood were you taken in ? How long' 
 have you been caught ? 
 
 Humph. Caught ! 
 
 Niece. Where were your haunts? 
 
 Humph. My haunts ! 
 
 Niece. Are not cloaths very uneafy to you ? Is this 
 Grange drefs the firft you ever wore ? 
 
 Humph. How! 
 
 Niece. Are you not a great admirer of roots, and raw 
 flefh ? Let me look upon your nails. Don't you love 
 blackberries, haws, and pig-nuts mightily ? 
 
 Humph. How ! 
 
 Niece. Canft thou deny that thou wert fuckled by a 
 wolf? You han't been fo barbarous, I hope, fince you 
 came amongrt men, as to hunt your nurfe; have you ? 
 
 Humph. Hunt my nurfe! Ay, 'tis fo; flie isdiftracled, 
 as fure as a gun. Hark ye, coufin ; pray, will you let 
 ine afk you a queftion or two ? 
 
 Niece. If thou haft yet learned the ufe of language, 
 fpeak, monfter. 
 
 Humph.
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 37 
 
 Humph. How long have you been thus ? 
 
 Niece. Thus ! What wouidft thou fay ? 
 
 Huinph. What's the caufe of it ? Tell me truly now. 
 Did you never love any body before me-? 
 
 Niece. Go, go ; thou'rt a favage, [ Rifes* 
 
 Humph. They never let you go abroad, I fuppofe. 
 
 Niece. Thou'rt a monfler, I tell thee. 
 
 Humph. Indeed, couiin, tho' 'tis folly to tell thee fo, 
 I am afraid thou art a mad woman. 
 
 Niece. I'll have thee iutofome foreft. 
 
 Humph. I'll take thee into a dark room. 
 
 Niece. I hate thee. 
 
 Humph. I wifli you did ; there is no hate loft, I a'flure 
 you, coufin Bridget. 
 
 Niece. Coufin Bridget, quotha ! I'd ai foon claim kin- 
 dred with a mountain bear. I tleteft thee. 
 
 Humph. You never do any harm In theie fits, I hope- 
 But do you hate me in earneft ? 
 
 Niece. Dolt thou alk it, ungentle forefter? 
 
 Humph. Yes ; for I've a reafon, look ye. It happens 
 very well, if you hate me, and are in your fenfes : for, 
 to fell you truly, I don't much care for you ; and there 
 15 another fine woman, as I am informed, that is in fome 
 hopes of having me. 
 
 Niece. This merits my attention. [AJide. 
 
 Humph. Look ye, d'ye fee, as I faid, fince I don't care 
 for you, I would not have you fet your heart on me ; 
 but if you like any body elfe, let me know it, and I'll find 
 out a way for us to get rid of one another, and deceive 
 the old folks, that would couple us, 
 
 Niece. This wears the face of an amour. There is 
 fomething in that thought, which makes thy prefence lefs 
 unfuppoi table. 
 
 Humph. Nay, nay, now you are growing fond ; if you 
 come with thefe maids tricks, to fay you hate at firft, and 
 .afterwards like me, you'll fpoil the whole dengn. 
 
 Niece. Don't fear 'it- When I think of conforting 
 
 with thee, may the wild boar defile the cleanly ermine, 
 may the tiger be wedded to the kid ! 
 
 Humph. When I of thee, may the pole-cat catterwaul 
 with the civet ! 
 
 D Kiccc.
 
 3? THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Niece. When I harbour the leaft thought of thee$ may 
 the filver Thames forget its courfe ! 
 
 Humph. When I like thee, may I he fous'd over head 
 
 and ears in a horfe-pond ! But do you hate me ? 
 
 Enter Aunt. 
 
 "Niece. For ever ; and you me ? 
 
 Humph. Molt heartily. 
 
 Aunt. Ha ! I like this They are come to pro- 
 
 trnfes and proteftations. \sLjitle. 
 
 Hump. I am very glad I have found a way to pleafe 
 you. 
 
 Niece. You promife to be conftant. 
 
 Hum. Till death. 
 
 N-ece. Thou be ft f favages ! 
 
 Hump. Thou beft of favages ! Poor Biddy. 
 
 Aunt. Oh, the pretty couple, joking on one another. 
 Well, how do you like your coulin Humphry now ? 
 
 Niece. Much better than I thought I mould He's 
 
 <juite another thing than what I took him for > We 
 
 have both the fame paffions for one another. 
 
 Hutnp. We wanted only an occafion to open our 
 hej rts Aunt. 
 
 Aunt. Oh, how this will rejoice my brother, and Sir 
 Harry ! we'll go to 'em. 
 
 Hump. No, I muft fetch a walk with anew acquain- 
 tance, Mr. Samuel Pounce. 
 
 Aunt. An excellent acquaintance for your hufband ! 
 Come, niece, come. 
 
 Niece. Farewel, roftic. 
 
 Hump. B'ye, Biddy. 
 
 Aunt. Ruitic ! Biddy ! Ha ! ha ! pretty creatures 
 
 [Exeunt, 
 
 EtfD of the THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 Enter Captain Clerimont and Pounce. 
 CLERIMONT, 
 
 DOES ihe expeft me, then, at this very in 
 itant ? 
 
 Pour.ce.^l tell you, flie ordered me to bring the pain- 
 ter at this" very hour precifely, to draw her niece. * for 
 
 4 to
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 39, 
 
 to make her picture peculiarly charming, fhe has now 
 that down-Call pretty fhame, that warm cheek, glow- 
 ing with the tear and hope of to-day's fate, with the 
 inviting, coy affectation of a bride, all in her face at 
 once.' No\v I know you are a pretender that way.' 
 Capt. Cler. Enough, I warrant to perfonate the cha- 
 rafter on fuch an inipiring occaiion. 
 
 Pounce. * You mull have the fong I fpoke of per- 
 
 * form'd at this window at the end of which 1*11 
 
 * give you a fignal Every thing is ready tor you,. 
 
 ' your pencil, your canvas ftretched your' Be 
 
 lure you play your part in humour : to be a painter for a 
 lady, you're to have the exceffive flattery of a lover, the 
 ready invention of a poet, and the eafy gefture of a 
 player. 
 
 L'apt. Clcr. Come, come, no more inftructions ; my 
 imagination out-runs all you can lay : Begone, begone ! 
 
 [Exit Poiuice* 
 S O N G. 
 
 * Why, lovely charmer, tell me why, 
 
 * So very kind, and yet fo ihy ? 
 
 * Why does the cold forbidding air 
 
 ' Give damps of ibrrow and defpair ? 
 
 * Or why that fmile my foul fubdue, 
 
 * And kindle up my flames anew ? 
 
 * In vain you ftrive with all your art, 
 
 ' By turns to freeze and fire my heart ; 
 ' When I behold a face Ib fair, 
 
 ' So fweet a look, fo foft an air, 
 ' My ravifli'd foul is charm'd all o'er, 
 
 ' I cannot love thee lefs nor more. 
 
 ' After the fong Pounce appears beckoning the Captairt*- 
 ' Pounce. Captain, Captain.' [Exit Capt. Cler. 
 
 SCENE, Niece's Lodgings two Chairs and a Table. 
 
 Enter Aunt and Niece. 
 
 Aunt. Indeed, niece, I am as much overjoy'd to fee 
 your wedding day, as if it were my own. 
 
 Niece. But, why muft it be huddled up fo ? 
 Aunt. Oh, my dear, a private wedding is much bet- 
 ter ; your mother had fuch a buftleat hers, withfcttBM 
 D z and.
 
 40 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 ar.d tooling : befides, they did not go to bed 'till two in 
 the morning. 
 
 Elect. Since you underrtand things fo well, I wonder 
 you never married yourfelf. 
 
 Aunt. My dear, "l was very cruel thirty years ago, and 
 Bcbody aflc'd me lir.ce. 
 Niece. Atos-a-day ! 
 
 s'unt. Yet, I aflure you, there were a great many 
 matches proposed to me There was Sir Gilbert Jolly ; 
 but he, torfooth, could not pleafe : he drank ale, and 
 fmoak'd tobacco, and was no fine Gentleman, forfooth 
 but, then again, there was young Mr. Peregrine 
 Shapely, who had travel'd, and fpoke French, and 
 {mil'd at all I faid; he was a fine gentleman but then he 
 was confumptive : and yet again to fee how one may be 
 miitaken ; Sir Jolly died in half a year, and my Lady 
 Shapely has by that thin flip eight children, that fhould 
 have been mine ; but here's the bridegroom. So coufin, 
 Humphry ! 
 
 Enter Humphry. 
 
 Humfi. Your fen-ant, ladies So, my dear 
 aY.Vi.-f. So, :ny favage ..... - 
 Aunt. O fie, no more of that to your hufband, 
 Biddy. 
 
 Hump. No matter, I like it as well as duck or 
 
 bve ; I know my couiiu loves me as well as I do her. 
 
 Aunt. I will leave you together ; I rmitf go and get 
 
 ready aq entertainment for you xvhen you come home. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Hump. Well, coufin, are you conilant ? Do you hate 
 me iHll ? 
 
 Niece. As much as ever. 
 
 HaiJ. What an happinefs it is, when people's incli- 
 
 you get no body, d'ye think, to marry you ? 
 Nifu: Oh, Clerimont, Clerimont ! Where 
 
 here art thou ? 
 
 Enter Aunt, and Captain Clerimont difgulfed. 
 
 Aunt. This, Sir, is the lady, whom you are to draw 
 
 You fee, Sir, as good flefli and blood as a man would 
 
 defire to put in colours I muft have her maiden picture. 
 
 Hump. Then the painter rauft make halte Ha, 
 
 couiin ! 
 
 Kctt*
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 4r 
 
 Wiecc* Hold thy tongue, good favage. 
 
 Cnpt. Cli-r. Madam, I'm generally forc'd to new-mould 
 every feature, and mend nature's, handy-work ; but here 
 fhe has made fo finilhed an original, that I defpair of my 
 copy's coming up to it. ; 
 
 Aunt. Do you hear that niece ? 
 
 Niece. I don't delire you to make graces where you 
 find none. 
 
 Caff. Cler. To fee the difference of the fair fex ! 1 
 
 protert to you, Madam, my fancy is utterly exhaufted. 
 with inventing faces for thole that lit to me. The firfl 
 entertainment I generally meet with, are complaints 
 tor want of deep ; they never look'd fo pale in their 
 lives, as when they lit lor their pictures. Then fo many 
 
 touches and retouches, when the face is rmifh'd That 
 
 wrinkle ought not to have been, thofe eyes are too lan- 
 guid, that colour's too weak, that fide-look hides the 
 mole on. the left cheek. In Ihorr, the whole likenefs is 
 ftruck out : but in you, Madam, the higheil I can come, 
 up to will be but rigid juftice. 
 
 Humpi A comical dog, this ! 
 
 Aunt, Truly the gentleman feems to underftand his- 
 bufinefs. 
 
 Niece. Sir, if your pencil flatters like your tongue, 
 you are going to draw a picture that won't be at all like. 
 me.*-Sure I have heard that voice fomevvhere. [AJidt.. 
 
 Caft.Cler. Madam, be pleafed to place yourfelf near 
 me, nearer flill, Madam, here falls the belt light You 
 mult know, Madam, there are three kinds of airs which 
 
 the ladies moil delight it There is your haughty 
 
 your mild, and your penfive air The haughty 
 
 my be exprefled with the head a little more erect than or- 
 dinary, and the countenance with a certain difdain in it, 
 fo as file may appear almoft, but not quite, inexorable :. 
 This kind of air is generally heightened with a little knit- 
 ting of the brows 1 gave my Lady Scornwell her 
 
 choice of a dozen "frowns, before flie could find one to 
 har liking. 
 
 Niece. But what's the mild air ? 
 
 Capt. Clcr. The mild air is compofedof a languifh, and 
 a fmile But if I might advil'e, I'd rather be a pen- 
 five beauty ; the penfive ufually feels her pulfe, leana 
 on one arm, or fits ruminating with a book in her hand 
 D 3 which:
 
 42 -THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 which converfation flie is fuppofed to chufc, ra- 
 ther than the endlefs importunities or lovers. 
 
 Hump. A comical dog 
 
 Aunt. Upon my word he understands his bufinefs well ; 
 
 I'll tell you, niece, how your mother was drawn 
 
 She had an orange in her hand, and a nofegay in her bo- 
 ibm, but a look fo pure and freih-coloured, you'd have 
 taken her for one of the feafons. 
 
 Capt, Cler. You feem, indeed, Madam, molt inclin'd 
 to the peniive The penlive delights alfo in the rail 
 of waters, rrailoral figures,- or any rural view fuitable to a 
 t'air lady, who with a delicate fpleen, has retired from 
 the world, as fick of its flattery and admiration. 
 
 Niece. No fince there is room for fancy in a 
 
 piture, I would be drawn like the Amazon Thaicftris, 
 with a fpear in my hand, and an helmet on a table before 
 
 me At a diftance behind, let there be a dwarf,, 
 
 holding by the bridle a milk-white palfrey 
 
 Capt, Cler. Madam, the thought is full of fpirit ; and 
 if you pleafe, there (hall be a Cupid Healing away your 
 helmet, to {hew that love fhould have a part in all gallant 
 actions. 
 
 Niece. Thatcircumftance may be very pifturefque. - 
 
 Capt. Clere. Here, Madam, (hall be your own picture, 
 here the palfrey, and here the dwarf .The dwa?f 
 
 jnuft be very little, or we fnan't have room for him 
 
 Niece. A dwarf can't be too little. 
 
 Capt. Clere. I'll make him a blackamoor, to diiHnguifh 
 iiim from the other too powerful dwart - '[S'/gfe.] the 
 
 Cupid Til place that beauteous boy near you, 'twill 
 
 look very natural He'll certainly take you for his 
 
 mother Venus. 
 
 Nii-cr. I leave thefe particulars to your own fancy. 
 
 Capt.. Cler. Pleafe, Madam, to uncover your neck a 
 little ; a little lower frill a little, little lower. 
 
 Nifcf. I'll be drawn thus, if you pleafe, Sir. 
 
 Capt.Clcr. Ladies, have you heard the news of a late 
 marriage between a young laciy of a great fortune, and. a 
 younger brother of a good family ? 
 
 JJunt. Pi ay, Sir, how is it ? 
 
 Capt. Cler. This young gentleman, ladies, is a partt- 
 eukr jicquaintance of mine, and much about my age, and 
 ftature ; (look me full iii the face, Madam ;.). he acci- 
 dentally
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 4,3 
 
 Mentally met the young lady, who had in her all the per- 
 fections ot' herfex; (holdup you head, Madam, that's 
 right ;) flie let him know that his perfon and difcourfe 
 were not altogether difagreeable to her The difficulty 
 was, how to gain afecond interview, (your eyes full upon 
 mine, Madam ;) for never was there fuch a figher in all 
 the valleys of Arcadia, as that unfortunate youth, during 
 the abfence of her he lov'd. - 
 
 Aunt. A-lack-a-day poor young gentleman ! 
 
 Niece. It muft be he what a charming amour is this ! 
 
 Capt.Cler. At length, ladies, he bethought himfeif of 
 an expedient; he dreft himfeif juft at I am now, and 
 came to draw her picture ; (your eyes full upon mine, 
 pray, Madam.) 
 
 Hump. A fubtle dog, I warrant him. 
 Capt. Cler. And by that means found an opportunity of 
 carrying her off, and marrying her. 
 
 Aunt. Indeed, your friend was a very vicious young 
 man. 
 
 Niece. Yet, perhaps the young lady was not difpleas'd 
 at what he had done. 
 
 Capt. Cler. But, Madam, what were the tranfports of 
 the lover, when (he made him that confeflion ? 
 
 Niece. I dare fay (he thought herfelf very happy, when 
 fhe got out of her guardian's hands. 
 
 Aunt. 'Tis very true, niece There are abundance of 
 thofe head-ftrong young baggages about town. 
 
 Capt. Cler. The gentleman has often told me, he was 
 ftrangely ftruck at firft fight ; but when fhe fat to him for 
 her picture, and aflumed all thofe graces that are proper 
 for the occafion his torment was ib exquifite, his paf- 
 fions fo violent, that he could not have lived a day, had 
 he not found means to make the charmer of his heart his 
 own. 
 
 Hump. 'Tis certainly the foolifheft thing in the world 
 to (land fhall-fliaily about a woman, when one has a mind 
 to marry her. 
 
 Capt. Cler. The young painter turn'd poet on the fub- 
 jeft ? I believe I have the words by heart. 
 Niece. A fonnet ! pray repeat it. 
 Capt, Cler. When gentle Parthenifla walks, 
 
 And fweetly fmiles, and gaily talks, 
 
 A thoufand ftmfts around her fly, 
 
 A thoufaad iwaias unheeded die, Ii r
 
 44 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 If then flie labours to be feen, 
 With all her killing air and mien ; 
 From fo much beauty, fo much art, 
 What mortal can fecure his heart ? 
 Hump. I fancy if 'twas fung, 'twould make a very 
 pretty catch. 
 
 Capt. Ckr. My fervant has a voice, you fliall hear it. 
 
 [Here it is fung. 
 
 Aunt. Why, this is pretty. I think a painter fhoiiid 
 never be without a gocd linger It brightens the fea- 
 tures ftrangely I profefs I am mightily pleafed ; I'll 
 but juft ftep in, and give fome orders, and be with you 
 prefently. [Exit. 
 
 Niece. Was not this adventurous painter called Cleri- 
 niont ? 
 
 Capt. Clcr. It was Clerimonr, the fervant of Parthe- 
 nifla ! but let me befeech that beauteous maid to refolve, 
 and make the incident I feign'd to her a real one Conli- 
 der, Madam, you are environed by cruel and treacherous 
 guards, which would force you to a difagreeable mar- 
 riage ; your cafe is exactly the fame with the Princefs of 
 the Leontlnes in Clelia. 
 
 Niece. How can we commit fuch a folecifm againft all 
 rules ! What, in the fiift leaf of our hiftory to have the 
 marriage ? You know it cannot be. 
 
 Capt. Chr. The pleafanteft part of the hiflory will be 
 after marriage. 
 
 Niece. No ! I never yet read of a knight that entered 
 tilt or tournament after wedlock 'Tis not to be ex- 
 pected When the hufband begins, the hero ends; 
 
 all that noble impulfe to glory, all the generous paffion 
 for adventures is confumed in the nuptial torch; I don't 
 know how it is, but Mars and Hymen never hit it. 
 
 Hump. [Lift'ning.^ Confum'd in the nuptial torch ! 
 Mars and Hymen ! What can all this mean ! I am very 
 
 glad I can hardly read They could never get theie 
 
 fbolifh fancies into my head 1 had always a ftrong 
 
 brain. \Afide >~\ Hr.rk ye, coufin, is not this painter a 
 comical dog ? 
 
 Niece. I 'think he's very agreeable company 
 
 Hump. Why then I tell you what marry him A 
 painter's a very genteel calling He's an ingenious fellow, 
 and certainly poor. I fancy he'd be glad on't ! I'll keep 
 
 my
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 45 
 
 my aunt out of the room a minute or two, that's all the 
 time you have to coniider [Exit, 
 
 Capt. Cler. fortune points out to us this only occafion 
 ef our happinefs : love's of celeiHal origin, and needs no 
 long acquaintance to be manifeft. Lovers, like angels, 
 fpeak by intuition their fouls arq in their eyes 
 
 Niece. Then I fear he fees mine. [d/ide.] But I can't 
 think of abridging our amours, and cutting off all far- 
 ther decorations of difguife, ferenade, and adventure. 
 
 Capt. Cler. Nor would I willingly loie the merit of 
 long fervices, midnight fighs, and plaintive folitudes 
 were there not a neceffity. 
 
 Niece. Then to be feiz'd by tfealth ! 
 
 Caff. Cler. Why, Madam, you are a great fortune, 
 nnd fhould not be married the common way. Indeed, 
 Madam, you ought to be ftol'u ; nay, in ilri&nefs, I 
 don't know but you ought to be ravifh'd. 
 
 Niece. But then hiflory will be fo fliort. 
 
 Capt. Cler. I grant it ; but you don't confider there's a 
 device in another's leading you inftead of this perlbn 
 that's to have you ; and, Madam, tho* our amours can't 
 furnifti out a roirunce, they'll make a very pretty novel. 
 Why fmiles my lair ? 
 
 Niece. I am almoit of opinion, that had Oroondates 
 been as preffing as Clerimonr, Cailandra had been but a 
 pocket-book : but it looks fo ordinary, to go out at a door 
 to be married Indeed, I ought to be taken out of a 
 window, and run away with. 
 
 Enter Humphry and Pounce. 
 
 Hump. Well, coufin, the coach is at the door. If you 
 pleafe I'll lead you. 
 
 Niece. I put myfelf into your hands, good favage ; 
 but you promife to leave me. 
 
 Hump. I tell you plainly, you mu ft not think of hav- 
 ing me. 
 
 Pounce. [To Capt. C/er.] You'll have opportunity 
 enough to carry her off; the old fellows will be bufy 
 with me I'll gain all the time I canj but be bold and 
 profper. 
 
 fV-'fc-f. Clerimont, you follow us. 
 
 Ca.pt.Cler. Upon the wings of love. 
 
 END of the FOURTH ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 4 6 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 A C T V. 
 
 Enter Clerimont Sen. and Fainlovc. 
 
 CLERIMONT SENIOR. 
 
 THEN (he gave you this letter, and bid you read it as 
 a paper of verfes ? 
 
 Fain. This is the place, the hour, the lucky minute 
 
 Now am I rubbing up my memory, to recoiled all 
 
 you faid to me when you firil ruined me, that I may attack 
 her i ight. 
 
 Cler. Sifi. Your eloquence would be needlefs 'ti$ 
 
 fo unmodifh to need perfuafion : modefty makes a lady 
 einbaraired But myfpoufe is above that, as for exam- 
 ple, [Reading her letter.} " Fainlove, you don't feem ta 
 want wit therefore I need fay no more, than that diftance 
 to a woman of the world is becoming in no man, but an, 
 hufband : an hour hence come up the back flairs to my 
 clofet. Adieu, Man Mignonl* 
 
 I am glad you are punctual, I'll conceal myfelf to ob- 
 ferve your interview Oh, torture ! but this wench 
 ruuft not fee it \_AfiJe* 
 
 Fain. Be fure you come time enough to fave my repu- 
 tation. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Remember your orders ; diilance becomes nq 
 man but an hulband, 
 
 Fain. I am glad you are in fo good humour on the oc- 
 caiion ; but you know me to be but a bully in love, that 
 can bluiler only till the minute of engagement But I'll 
 top my part, and form my conduct by my own fentiments 
 If flie grows coy, I'll grow more faucy 'twas fo I was 
 won myfelf 
 
 Cler. Sen. Well, my dear rival your affignation draws 
 n ]gh_ < you are to put on your tranfport, you/ impa- 
 
 * tient throbbing heart won't let you wait her arrival 
 
 * Let the dull family-thing and hufband, who reckons his 
 
 * moments by his cares, be content to wait, but you are a 
 < gallant, and meafure time by extafies.' 
 
 Fain. I hear her coming to your port good huf- 
 band, know your duty, and don't be in the way when 
 your wife has a mind to be in private To your poft, into 
 the coal-hole. 
 
 . JLnter Mrs. Clerimont. 
 
 Welcome, my dear, my tender charmer ' ...Oh ! to 
 
 my
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 47 
 
 my longing arms feel the heart pat, that falls and rifes 
 as you tmile or frown Oh, the extatic moment ! 
 
 I think that was fomething like what has been faid to 
 me. \Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Very well Fainlove I proteft I value 
 myfelf for my difcerning I knew you had fire through 
 all the refpecl: you (hewed me But how came you to 
 make no direft advances, young gentleman ? Why was 
 I forced to admonifh your gallantry. 
 
 Fain. Why, Madam, I knew you a woman of breed- 
 ing, and above the fenlelefs niceties of an Englifh wife 
 The French way is, you are to go fo far, whether they arc 
 agreeable or not : if you are fo happy as to pleafe, no- 
 body that is not of a conibrained behaviour, is at a lois to 
 
 let you know it Befides, if the humble fervant makes 
 
 the firit approaches, he has the impudence of making a 
 requeft, but not the honour of obeying a command. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Right a woman's man mould conceal paf- 
 (ion in a familiar air of indifference Now there's Mr. 
 Clerimont ; I can't allow him the leaft freedom, but the 
 unfalliionable fool grows fo fond of me, he cannot hide it 
 in public 
 
 Fain. Aye, Madam, I have often wondered at your La- 
 
 ctyfhip's choice of one that feems to have fo little of the 
 
 beau monde, in his carriage, but jult what you force him to 
 
 while there were fo many pretty gentlemen 
 
 [Dancing* 
 
 Mrs. Cler. O young gentleman, you are mightily mifta- 
 Icen, if you think fuch animals as you, and pretty Beau 
 Titmoufe, and pert Billy Butterfly, though I iufTer you to 
 come in, and play about my rooms, are any ways in com- 
 petition with a man whole name one would wear. 
 
 Far'n. Oh, Madam ! then I find we are : 
 
 Mrs. Cler. A woman of fenfe mull have refpect fora 
 man of that character; but, alas ! refpetVt ^What is re- 
 fpecl: ? Refpeft is not the thing Refpetf has fomething 
 
 too folemn for foft moments You things are more pro- 
 per for hours of dalliance. 
 
 Clcr. Sen. [Peeping.] How have I wrong'd this fine la- 
 dy ! 1 find I am to be a cuckold out of her pure 
 
 ^iteem forme. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Befides, thofe fellows for whom we have re- 
 fpcft, have none for us j I warrant on fuch an
 
 4 8 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Clerimont would have ruffled a woman out of all form, 
 while you 
 Cltr. Sen. A good hint now my caufe comes on. 
 
 [4/Ut. 
 
 Fain. Since, then, you allow us fitter for foft moments, 
 why do we mifeinploy them. Let me kifs that beauteous 
 hand, and clafp that graceful frame. 
 
 3 Irs. Cler. How, Fainlove ! What, you don't defign to 
 be impertinent .. But my lips have a certain roughnefs 
 on them to-day, han't they ? 
 
 Fain. \Kifflng.'] No they are all foftnefs 
 
 Their delicious fweetnefs is inexpreflible Here 
 
 language fails -Let me applaud thy lips not by the ut- 
 terance but by the touch of mine. 
 
 Enter Clerimont Senior, dreeiving klifivord. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Ha, villain ! raviflier ! invader of my bed and 
 honour ! draw. 
 
 Mn. Cler. What means this jnfolence thisintru- 
 
 fion into my privacy ? What, do you come into my very 
 clofet without knocking r Who put this into your 
 head? 
 
 Cler. Sen. My injuries have alarmed me, and I'll bear 
 no longer, but facrifice your bravado, the author of 
 them. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. O poor Mr. Fainlove Muft*he dir 
 
 for his eomplaiiance, and innocent freedoms with me ? 
 How could you, if you might r Oh ! the fweet youth ! 
 What, fight Mr. Fainlove r What will the ladies fay ! 
 
 Fain. Let me come at the intruder on ladies private 
 
 tours The unfafhionable moniter I'll prevent ail 
 
 future interruption from him Let me come 
 
 Mrs. Cler. O the brave pretty creature ! Look at his 
 youth and innocence He is not made for fuch rough 
 
 encounters Stand behind me Poor Fainlove ? 
 
 There is not a vilit in town, Sir, where you (hall not 
 be diiplayed at full length for this intrufion I banifli 
 you for ever from my fight and bed. 
 
 Cler. Sen. I obey you, Madam, for diftance is becom- 
 ing in no man but an hulband [Giving k-r the /nvv, 
 
 which Jhc rrads t and falls Into a fivoon.~\ ' I've gone too 
 
 * far [Kijjinv hcr.~\ The impertinent was guilty ot 
 
 * nothing but what my indifcretion led her to This i* 
 
 4 the firit kifs I've hadthete fix weeks but (he awaVes :* 
 
 4 -Well,
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 49 
 
 Well, Jenny, you topp'd your part, indeed Come 
 
 to my arms thou ready willing fair one Thou haft no 
 
 vanities, no niceties ; but art thankful for every inflance 
 .of love that I beftovv on thee [Embracing her* 
 
 Mrs. Ckr. What, am I then abufed ? Is it a wench then 
 of his? Oh, me ! Was ever poor abufed wife, poor inno- 
 cent lady, thus injured ! 
 
 [Runs atxtfeizes Fainlove'syatw//, 
 
 Cler, Sen. Oh, the brave pretty creature ! Hurt 
 
 Mr. Fainlove ! Look at his youth, his innocence 
 Ha ! ha ! [Inter pnfing. 
 
 Fain. Have a care, have a care, dear Sir I know by 
 myfelf ftie'll have no mercy." 
 
 Mrs. Cler. I'll be the death of her let me come 
 
 on Stand from between us, Mr. Clerimont I would 
 
 not hurt you. [Pujbing and crying* 
 
 Cler, Sen. Run, run, Jenny. [F.xit Jenny. 
 
 [Looks at her uplra'ulingly before befpeakf, 
 Well, Madam, are the fe the innocent freedoms you claim- 
 ed of me ? Have I deferved this ? How has there been a 
 moment of yours ever interrupted with the real pangs I 
 fufter ? The daily importunities of creditors, who become 
 fo by ferving your profufe vanities. Did I ever murmur at 
 fupplying any of your diverlions, while I believed them 
 (as you called them) harmlefs ? Mult, then, thofe eyes, 
 that ufed to glad my heart with their familiar brightness, 
 hang down with guilt ? Guilt has transformed thy whole 
 peribn ; nay, the very memory of it Fly from my grow- 
 ing palHon. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. I cannot fly, nor bear it Oh ! look not 
 
 Cler. ha. What can you fay ? Speak quickly. 
 
 [Offering to dram. 
 
 Mt-s. Cler. I never faw you mov'd before Don't 
 
 murder me, impenitent ; I'm wholly in your power as a 
 criminal, but remember I have been fo in a tender re- 
 gard. 
 
 Cler. Sen. But hoxv have you confidercd that regard ? 
 
 Mrs. Ckr. Is it poffiblc you can forgive what you en- 
 
 fnartd me into? Oh! look at me kindly You know 
 
 I have only erred in my intention, nsr law my danger, 
 till, by this honeft art, you had fliown me what it is to 
 venture to the utmoil limit of what is lawful. ^ You laid 
 that train, I'm fure, to alarm, not to betray, my innocence 
 E "Mr.
 
 S3 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Mr. Cleriraont fcorns fuch bafenefs ! Therefore I kneel 
 
 *-I weep, I am convinced. [Kneels. 
 
 Cler. Sen. takes her up, embracing her, 
 
 Cltr. Sen, Then kneel, and weep no more my faireft 
 my reconciled ! Be fo in a moment, for know I cannot 
 (without wringing my own heart,) give you the leaft 
 compunction Be in humour It (hall he your own fault, 
 if ever there's a ferious word more on this fubjed. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. I muft correct every idea that rifes in my 
 mind, and learn every gefture of my body a-new I deteft 
 the thing I was. 
 
 Cler. Sen. No, no You muft not do fo Our joy and 
 grief, honour and reproach, are the fame ; you muft Hide 
 out of your foppery, by degrees, fo that it may appear 
 your own aft. 
 
 Afrj. Cler. But this wench ! 
 
 Cler. Sen. She is already out of your way You fhai' 
 fee the cataftrophe of her rate yourielf- But ftill keep up 
 the fine lady till we go out of town You may return to 
 
 it with as decent airs as you pleafe And now I have 
 
 fhown you your error, I'm in fo good humour as to re- 
 peat you a couplet on the occalion 
 
 4 They only who gain minds, true laurels wear : 
 
 * 'Tis lefs to conquer, than convince, the fair.' [Ex. 
 
 Enter Pounce, with papers. 
 [A table i chairs, pen, ink and paper."] 
 
 Pounce. Tis a delight to gall thefe old rafcals, and fet 
 them at variance about Hakes, which I know neither of 
 them will ever have pofleffion of. 
 
 Et.ter Tipkin, and Sir Harry. 
 
 .Tip. Do you delign, Sir Harry, that they (hall hnve an 
 eftate in their own hands, and keep houie themfelves, 
 pcor things ? 
 
 Sir Har. No, no, Sir, I know better ; they fliall go 
 down into the country, and live with me, not touch a far- 
 thing of money, but having all things necd&ry provided, 
 they iliall go tame about the houfe, and breed. 
 
 Tip. Well, Sir Harry, then confidering that all human 
 things are fubjeft to change, it behoves every man 
 that has a juft fenfe of mortality, to take care of his 
 money. 
 
 Sir Har. I don't know what you mean, brother 
 What do you drive at, brother ? 
 
 4 *t*
 
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. j t 
 
 Tip. This inftrument is executed by you, your fon, and 
 j>y niece, which difcharges me of all retrofpecls. 
 
 SVr Har. It is confefled, brother ; but what then ? 
 
 Tip. Ail that remain is, that you pay me for the young 
 lady's twelve years board, as alfo all other charges, aa 
 wearing apparel, &c. 
 
 Sir Har. What is this you fay ? Did I give you my dif- 
 charge from all retrofpefts, as you call it, and after all do 
 you come with this and t'other, and all that ? I find you 
 are, I tell you, Sir, to your face, I find you are 
 
 Tip. I find, too, what you are, Sir Harry. 
 
 &r Har. What am I, Sir ? What am I ? 
 
 Tip. Why, Sir, you are angry. 
 
 Sir Har. 6ir, I fcorn your words, I am not angry -Mr. 
 Pounce is my witnefs, 1 am as gentle as a lamb Would it 
 not make any flefli alive angry, to fee a clofc hunks come 
 after all with a demand of 
 
 Tip. Mr. Pounce, pray inform Sir Harry in this point. 
 
 Pounce. Indeed, Sir Harry, I mull tell you plainly, 
 that Mr. Tipkin, in this, demands nothing but what he 
 may recover For though this cafe may be confidered mul~ 
 tifariam ; that is to fay, as 'tis uftially, commonly, vica- 
 tim, or vulgarly exprefled Yet, I fay, when we on- 
 ly obferve, that the power is fettled as the law requires, 
 
 affenfu patris, by the confent of the father That cir- 
 
 cumftance imports you are well acquainted with the advan- 
 tages which accrue to your family, by this alliance, which 
 corroborates Mr. Tipkin's demand, aad avoids all objec- 
 tions that can be made. 
 
 Sir Har. Why then I find you are his advifer in all 
 this 
 
 Pounce. Look ye, Sir Harry, to {how you I love to pro- 
 mote among my clients a good underftanding ; tho' Mr 
 Tipkin may claim four thoufand pounds, I'll engage for 
 him, and I'know him fo well, that he (hall take three thou- 
 fand nine hundred and ninety -eight pounds, four {hillings, 
 and eight-pence farthing. 
 
 Tip. Indeed, Mr. Pounce, you are too hard upon me. 
 
 Pounce. You muft coufider a little, Sir Harry is your 
 brother. 
 
 Sir Har. Three thoufand nine hundred and ninety -eight 
 pounds, four {hillings, and eight-pence farthing ! For 
 what, I fay ? for whar, Sir .' 
 
 Pounce. For what, Sir ! For what flie wanted, Sir, a fine 
 E z lady
 
 53 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 lady is always in want, Sir Her very cloaths would come 
 to that money in half the time. 
 
 Sir Har. Three thoufand nine hundred and ninety- 
 eight pounds, four (hillings and eight-pence farthing tor 
 cloaths ! Pray how many fuits does {he wear out in a 
 year ? 
 
 Pounce. Oh, dear Sir, a fine lady's cloaths are not old 
 by being worn, but by being feen. 
 
 Sir Har. Well, 1'llfave her cloaths for the future, after 
 1 have got her into the country I'll warrant herfhe fliall 
 not appear more in this wicked town, where cloaths are 
 
 worn out by figh-t And as to what you demand, I tell 
 
 you, Sir, it is extortion ? 
 
 'Tip. Sir Harry, do you accufe me of extortion-? 
 
 Sir Har. Yes, I fay extortion. 
 
 Tip. Mr. Pounce, write down that There are very 
 
 good laws provided againfl fcandal and calumny Lois 
 
 of reputation may tend to lofs of money 
 
 Pounce. Item, For having accufed Mr. Tipkin of ex- 
 tortion. 
 
 Sir Har. Nay, if you come to your items Look ye, 
 
 Mr. Tipkin, this is an inventory of fuch goods as were 
 left to my niece Bridget by her deceafed father, and 
 which I expert fliall be forth-coming at her marriage to 
 my fon 
 
 Imprimis, A golden locket of her mother's, with fome- 
 thing very ingenious in Latin on the infide of it - 
 
 Item, A couple of mufquets^ with two fiioulder-belta 
 and bandeliers. 
 
 Item, A large filver caudle-cup, with a true flory en- 
 graven on it. 
 
 Pounce. But, Sir Harry 
 
 Sir Har. Item, A bale viol, with almoft all the firings to 
 it, and only afmall hole on the back. 
 
 Pounce. But neverthelefs, Sir 
 
 Sir Har, This is the furniture of my brother's bed- 
 chamber that follows A fuit of tapeftry hangings, with 
 the (lory of Judith nd Holofernes, torn only where the 
 head fliould have been off an old bedftead curioufly 
 wrought about the pofls, confiftingof two load of timber. 
 A hone, abafon, three razors, and a comb-cafe Look ye, 
 Sir, you fee I can item it. 
 
 Pounce. Alas ! Sir Harry, if you had ten quire of items t 
 it is all arfwered in the word retrofpect. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. & 
 
 Sir Har. Why then, Mr. Pounce and Mr. Tipkin, you 
 are both rafcals. 
 
 Tip. Do you call me rafcal, Sir Harry ? 
 
 Sir Har. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Tip. Write it down, Mr. Pounce at the end of the 
 leaf. 
 
 Sir Har. If you have room, Mr. Pounce Put down 
 villain, fon oi a whore, curmudgeon, hunks, and fcoun- 
 drel. 
 
 Tip. Not fo fail, Sir Harry, he cannot write fo fair, 
 you are at the word villain Son of a whore, I take it,, 
 was next You may make the account as large as you 
 pleafe, Sir Harry. 
 
 Sir Har. Come, come, I won't be ufed thus Hark ye, 
 
 firrah, draw What do you do at this end of the towa 
 
 without a fword ? Draw, I fay 
 
 Tip. Sir Harry, you are a military man, a colonel of the 
 militia. 
 
 Sir Har I am fo, firrah, aad will run fuch an extort- 
 ing dog as you through the guts, to fhow the militia is 
 nfeful. 
 
 Pounce. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! How am I concerned 
 
 to fee perfonsof your figure thus moved The wed. 
 
 ding is coming la We'll fettle thefe things after- 
 wards. 
 
 Tip. lam calm. 
 
 Sir Har. Tipkin, live thefe two hours but expeft 
 
 Enter Humphry leading Niece, Mrs. Clerimont led Ij 
 
 Fainlove, Copt. Clerimont, and Clerimont Sen. 
 
 Pounce. Who are thefe? Hey-day, who are thefe, Sir 
 Harry ? Ha ! 
 
 Sir Har. Some frolick, rt is wedding-day no mat- 
 ter. 
 
 Hump. Haw, haw : fathermatter uncle Come, 
 
 you mult ftir your itumps, you -rau-ft dance Come, ol^ 
 
 lads, kifs the ladies 
 
 Mn.Cler. Mr. Tipkin, Sir Harry, 1 beg pardon 
 
 for an introduction fo mal-ti-propos 1 know fudden fa- 
 
 miiiarity is not the Englifh way Alas, Mr. Gubbin, 
 
 this father and uncle of yours muft be new modelled 
 How they ftare both of them ! 
 
 Sir Har. Hark ye, Numjw, who is this you hava 
 brought hither? Is it not the famous fiue lady Mrs. 
 
 *> T f*\\ * 
 
 E 3
 
 54 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 Clerimont What a pox did you let her come near 
 
 your wife 
 
 Hump. Look ye, don't expofe yourfelf, and play fbme 
 
 mad country prank to difgrace me before her 1 fhall 
 
 fee laughed at, becaufefhe knows I underlbnd belter. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. I congratulate, Madam, your coming out 
 
 of the bondage of a virgin ftate A woman can't do 
 
 what fliewill properly till (he's married. 
 
 Sir Har, Did you hear what flie faid to your wife ? 
 Enter Aunt before afervice of dljhes. 
 
 Aunt. So, Mr. Bridegroom, pray take that napkin, and 
 ferve yourfpoufe to-day, according to cuftom. 
 
 Hump. Mrs, Clerimont, pray know my aunt. 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Madam, I mud beg your pardon ; I can't 
 poffibiy like all that vaft load of meat that you are fend- 
 ing into table befides, it is fo oftenfively fweet, it 
 
 wants that baut-^out we are fo delighted with in 
 France. 
 
 Aunt. You'll pardon it, fince we did not expeft you. 
 Who is this ? \AJMe. 
 
 Mr*. Cltr. Oh, Madam, I only fpeak for the future ; 
 
 little faucers are fo much more polite Look ye. 
 
 I'm perfectly for the French way ; whene'er I'm admit- 
 ttd, I take the whole upon me. 
 
 Sir Har. The French, Madam, I'd have 'you to 
 
 know 
 
 Mrs. Cler. You'll not like it at firft, out of a natural 
 Englifh fullennefs, hut that will come upon you by de- 
 grees When I firft went into France, I was mortally 
 
 afraid of a frog, but in a little time I cou'd eat nothing 
 clfe, except fallads. 
 
 Aunt. Eat fro^s ! have I killed one that has eat frogs 
 Paw ! Paw ! 
 
 Mrs. Cler. Oh, Madam A frog and a fallad are deli- 
 cious fare * 'tis not long come up in France itielf, but 
 
 their glorious monarch has introduced the diet which 
 
 makes them fo fpiritual He eradicated all grois food 
 
 ^^ by taxes, and for the glory of the monarch lent the fub- 
 jeft a grazing ; but I fear I defer the entertainment and 
 
 diverfion of the day.' 
 
 Hump. Now father, uncle before we go any fur- 
 ther, I think 'tis necefiary we know who and who's toge- 
 ther then I give either of you two hours to guefs which 
 k ray wife And 'tis not my coufin fo far I'll tell you. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE TENDER HUSBAND. tf 
 
 Sir Har. How ! What do you fay ? But, Oh ! you mean 
 
 (lie is not your coufin now flic's nearer a-kin ; that's 
 
 well enough Well faid, Numps Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Hump. No, I don't mean fo ; I tell you I don't mean 
 fo --My wife hides her face under her hat. 
 
 [All looking at Fainlove. 
 
 Tif. What does the puppy mean ? His wife under a 
 hat J 
 
 Hump. Aye, aye, that's flie, that's flie a good jeft, 
 
 'faith 
 
 Sir Har. Hark ye, Numps what doft mean, child ? 
 Is that a woman, and are you really married to her ? 
 Hump. I am fure of both. 
 
 Sir Har. Are you fo, firrah ? Then, firrah, this is your 
 wedding-dinner, firrah, Do you fee, firrah, here's roaft 
 meat. 
 
 Hump. Oh, ho ! what, beat a married man ! Hold 
 him, Mr. Clerimont, brother Pounce, Mr. Wife j ab>- 
 body ftand by a young married man ? 
 
 [Runs behind Farntoire. 
 
 Sir Har. Did not the dog fay, Brother Pounce ? What, 
 is this Mrs. Ragout This Madam Clerimont ! Who- 
 the devil are you all ? but efpecially, who the devil are 
 you two ? 
 
 [Beats Humphry and Fainlove off the Jt age ^ following. 
 Tip. [Afide.] Matter Pounce, all my niece's fortune 
 will be demanded now for I fuppofe that red coat has her 
 Don't you think you and I had better break ? 
 
 Pounce. You may as foon as you pleafe, but it is my in.- 
 tereft to be honed a little longer. 
 
 Tip. Well, Biddy, fince you would not accept of 
 your coufin, I hope you han't difpofed of yourfelf elfe- 
 where. 
 
 Niece. If you'll for a little while fufpend your curiofity, 
 you (hall have the whole hiHory of my amour to this my 
 nuptial day, under the title of the loves of Clerimont aud 
 Partheniffa. 
 
 Tip. Then, Madam, your portion is in fafe hands 
 Cap. Chr. Come, come, old Gentleman, 'tis in vain t 
 contend ; here's honett Mr. Pounce fliall be my engineer, 
 aud I warrant you we beat you out of all your holds 
 dunt* What, then, is Mr. Pounce a rogue ? He muft 
 
 have
 
 j6 THE TENDER HUSBAND. 
 
 have fome trick, brother; it cannot be; he muft have 
 cheated t'other fide, for I'm Cure he'shoneft. 
 
 Cler. Sen. Mr. Pounce, all your fifler has won of this 
 
 lady, (he has honeftly put into my hands, and I'll return 
 
 it her, at this lady's particular requeft. [To Pounce. 
 
 Pounce. Arid the thoufand pounds you promifed in 
 
 your brother's behalf, I'm willing fhould be hers alfo. 
 
 * Cap. Cler. Then go in, and bring them all back to 
 * make the beft of an ill game ; we'll eat the dinner and 
 .' have a dance together, or we (hall tranfgrefs all form.' 
 
 * Re-enter Fainlove, Humphry, and Sir Harry.' 
 Sir Har. Well, finceyou fay you are worth foraething, 
 and the boy has fet his heart upon you, I'll have patience 
 till I fee further. 
 
 Pounce. Come, come, Sir Harry, you (hall find my al- 
 liance more confideraMe than you imagine; the Pounces 
 are a family that will always have money, if there's any 
 in the world, - * Come, fiddles. [Dance here* 
 
 C. Cler. You've feen th* extremes of the domeftic life. 
 A fon too much confin'd too free a wife ; 
 By generous bonds you either fhou'd reftraiflj 
 And only on their inclinations gain ; 
 Wives to obey mull love, children revere, 
 While only flaves are govem'd by their fear. 
 
 END of the FIFTH Acr. 1 
 
 nnn 
 
 LH/.1 
 
 *' 
 
 E P 1.
 
 t 57 3 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 73R1TONS, who conftant war, with faftiom rage, T 
 For liberty againft each other wage, > 
 
 From foreign infultfave this Englijhjlage. J 
 
 No more th' Italian f quailing tribe admit, 
 In tongues unknown ; 'tis popery in ivit. 
 ^Thefongs (their fclves confefe) from Rome they bring t 
 And 'tis high-mafs, for aughtyou know, theyfing. 
 Hujbanets, take care, the danger may come nigher^ 
 The ivowenfay their eunuch is a friar. 
 But is it not aferious ill, to fee 
 Europe's great arbiters fo mean can be ; 
 Pajfive, ivith an ajfettedjoy to fit, 
 Sufpend their native tajle of manly <wit ; 
 Neglefi their comic humour, tragic rage, 
 For kiorivn defers of nature and of age f 
 Arifc, for Jbame,yc conquering Britons, rife j 
 Such unadorn* d effeminacy defpife: 
 Admire, (if you luilldoat on foreign ivit,) 
 Not what Italians /ing, but Romans writ. 
 Sojhall Icfs works, fuch as to-night's flight play, 
 At your command with juftice die aivay ; 
 fill then, forgive your writers, that can't bear ^ 
 
 Youjhou'dfuch very Tramontanes appear, L 
 
 ffie nations, iihich contemn you, to revere. J 
 
 Let Anna's foil be known for all its charms ; 
 As f am' d for lib'ralfciences, as arms : 
 "Let thofe derijion meet, who would advance 
 Manners, orfpcech, from Italy or France. 
 Let them Icarnyou, who wou 'dyour favour 
 And EngliJJ} be the language of mankind.
 
 THE B17SYBODY 
 
 t/
 
 B E L L'S EDITION. 
 THE 
 
 BUST B D T. 
 
 A COMEDT, ly Mrs. CENTLI^RE. 
 
 AS FKKFOKMED Af THE 
 
 ia 
 
 Regulated from the Prompt-Book, 
 
 By PERMISSION of the MANAGERS, 
 
 By Mr. HOPKINS, Prompter. 
 
 Quern tulit ad fcenam vetttofo glorit curru, 
 
 Exanimat Icntut ffeftator, fedu/us inflat. 
 
 Sic Icve, fie far-van eft, animum quod laudlt tvaram 
 
 Submit, autrtfclt HoRAT. Epift. I. Lib.if 
 
 L N D N t 
 PriutaJ for JOHN BELL, near Exetcr-Excbang e t ifl the Stramt, 
 
 and Ci ETHERINC, TON,at York* 
 
 MDCCLXXTI.
 
 r 3 ] 
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 CTHCy modern prophets ncere expo; 'd of late t 
 The author could not p'nphejy lier fate : 
 
 Jf ivitb fucb fcen.es an auJience had been fir* d, 
 
 The pott muft have really been infpir'd* 
 
 But tbefe, alas ! are melancholy days, 
 
 For moderx prophets, and for modern plays. 
 
 Ytt fince prophetic lies pleafe fooh o'fajbion, 
 
 And tvnmtn are fo fond&f agitation ; 
 
 Tf men of jtvfe, Vll propbefy anew, 
 
 And tell you wond'rous things that --will prove true. 
 
 *' Undaunted colonth ivill to camps repair; 
 
 ** Ajfar'd tberfllbe mjktrmijhei this year .-" 
 
 Ox cur own terms kvtiljfau the waffidfar peace, 
 
 jfttivarS) except 'twixt man and wife, luill ceafe. 
 
 The Grand Monarque may ivijh bit/tin a tbrone t 
 
 But hardly vjlll advance to loft bis own, 
 
 Thisfeafon moji things bear afmilingface ; ^ 
 
 But play* rs infummer have a dijmatcafe f > 
 
 Since your appearance only is our aft of grace* J 
 
 Court ladies nvill to country feats be gone ^ 
 My lord can't all the year live great in ttivn ; 
 Where wanting Operas, Baflet, and a Play* 
 
 Tbiy'lljtgb and Jl itch a goiun, to pafs the time away. 
 
 Gay city wives at Tunbridge ivill appear y 
 
 Wbofe htijbandi long have laboured for an heir ; 
 
 Where many a courtier may their ivants rtlitve. 
 
 But by the waters only they conceive. 
 
 The \eet-ttreet/em/tr,fs~.ToaJ of Tern pie fparki^ 
 
 That runs Jf race neckcloths for attornies tleris, 
 
 At Cupid'j gardens ivill her hours regale, 
 
 Sing Fair Dorinda, and drink bottled ale. 
 
 jit all ajfemllies rakes are up and down, 
 
 And gamcfters , iibere they ttink they are not knewn. 
 
 Should I denounce our author's fate to-day, 
 To cry down prophecies, jou'd damn the play. 
 Tet nubims like thefe havefmnetimes made you laugh \ 
 'Tis tattling all, liki Kaac Bickerftaff. 
 
 Since -~var and f laces claim the bards that ivritt t 
 J3e kind, and bear a woman's treat to-night ; 
 Lftycur indulgence all her fears allay, 
 And none but n.omen-haters damji this play.
 
 [ 4 3 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 DRURY-LANE. 
 
 Sir George Airy, a gentlemen of four-j 
 
 thoufand a year, in love with Mi- > Mr. Smith. 
 
 Sir Francis Gripe, guardian to Mir an- ~} 
 
 da and Marplot, father to Cba&s, > Mr. Parfons. 
 
 in love with Miranda 3 
 
 Charles friend to Sir George, in love 1 M Brereton . 
 
 with Ijabinda J 
 
 Sir Jealous Traffick, a merchant that > 
 
 had lived fometime \nSpain, father > Mr. Baddeley. 
 
 to Ijabinda j 
 
 Marplot, a fort of filly fellow, coward-") 
 
 ly, but very inquifitive to know > Mr. King, 
 every body's bufinefs 3 
 
 WtyifpCTi fe-rvant to Charles Mr. Burton. 
 
 Miranda, an heirefs, worth thirty! 
 
 thoufand pounds, really in love I , T . r v 
 with Sir George, but pretends to f MifsYounge. 
 be fo with her guardian Sir Francis j 
 Ifalinda, daughter to Sir Jealous, in-| 
 
 love with Charles, butdefigned for I MifsHopkins. 
 a Spanifo merchant by her father J 
 
 Patch, her woman Mrs.Davies. 
 
 Scentwell, woman to Miranda Mrs.Bradfliaw- 
 
 COVEN T-G A R D E N. 
 
 Sir George Airy Mr. Lewis. 
 
 Sir Francis Gripe Mr. Shuter. 
 
 Charles Mr. Wroughton. 
 
 Sir Jealous Traffick Mr. Dunftall. 
 
 Marplot Mr. Woodward. 
 
 Wbifrtr Mr. Thorn pfon. 
 
 Miranda . Mifs Macklin. 
 
 Ifalinda Mifs Dayes. 
 
 Patch Mrs. Pitt. 
 
 Scentwell Mrs. Pouffin. 
 
 THE
 
 E s 3 
 
 THE 
 
 BUSY BODY. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE the Park. 
 
 Sir George Airy meeting Charles. 
 
 CHARLES. 
 
 HA ! Sir George Air}', a birding thus early ! 
 What forbidden game rous'd you fo Coon ? for 
 no lawful occafion could invite a perion of your figure 
 abroad at inch unhifliionable hours. 
 
 Sir Gco. There are fome men, Charles, whom for- 
 tune has left free from inquietudes, who are dili- 
 gently ftudious to find out ways and means to make 
 themielves uneafy.. 
 
 Cba. Is it poffible that any thing in nature can ruffle 
 the temper of a man, whom the four lealbns of the 
 year compliment with as many thoufand pounds, nay, 
 and a father at reft with his anceilors ? 
 
 Sir Gen. Why, there it is now! A man that wants 
 money thinks none can be unhappy that has it ; but 
 my affairs are in fuch a whimfical pofture, that it will 
 require a calculation of my nativity to find if ray 
 gold will relieve me or not. 
 
 Cba. Ha, ha, ha ! never confult the ftars abou c 
 
 that ; gold has a power beyond them ; * gold unlock* 
 
 A 3 * th c
 
 6 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 the midnight councils ; gold outdoes the wind, be- 
 calms the (hip, or fills her fails ; gold is omnipotent 
 below ; it makes whole armies fight, or fly ; it buys 
 even fouls, and bribes wretches to betray their 
 country :' then what can thy bufinefs be, that 
 gold won't ferve thee in ? 
 Sir Geo. Why, I'm in love. 
 
 Cba. In love! Ha, ha, ha, ha; in love I- 
 Ha, ha, ha, ha. With what, pr'ythee ? a cherubin ! 
 Sir Geo. No, with a woman. 
 Cba, A woman ! good. Ha, ha, ha, ha ; and gold 
 not help thee ! 
 
 Sir Geo. But fuppofe I'm in love with two 
 
 Cba. Ay, if thou'rt in love with two hundred, gold 
 will fetch 'em, 1 warrant thee, boy. But who are 
 they ? who are they ? come. 
 
 Sir Geo. One is a lady whofe face I never faw, but 
 witty to a miracle ; the other, beautiful as Venus 
 Cba. And a fool- 
 Sir Geo. For aught I know ; for I never fpoke to 
 her; but you can inform me. I am charm'd by the 
 wit of the one, and die for the beauty of the other. 
 Cba. And pray, which are you in queft of now ? 
 Sir Geo. I prefer the fcnfual pleafure ; I'm for her 
 I've feen, who is thy father's ward, Miranda. 
 
 Cba. Nay, then I pity you ; for the Jew my father 
 will no more part with her and thirty thoufand pounds, 
 than he would with a guinea to keep me from ftarv- 
 ing. 
 
 Sir Geo. Now you fee gold can't do every thing, 
 Charles. 
 
 Cba. Yes ; for 'tis her gold that bars my father's 
 gate againil you. 
 
 Sir Geo. Why, if he be this avaricious wretch, how 
 cam'ft thou by fuch a liberal education ? 
 
 Cba. Not a foufe out of his pocket, I aflure you. 
 I had an uncle who defrayed that charge ; but for 
 fome little wildnefTes of youth, though he made me 
 his heir, left dad my guardian, till I came to years of 
 difcretion, which, I prelume, the old gentleman will 
 never think I am ; and now he has got the eilate into 
 
 his
 
 THE BUSY BODY; r 
 
 his clutches, it does me no more good than if it lay 
 in Prefter John's dominions. 
 
 Sir Geo. VVliat, canft thou find no ftratagem to re- 
 deem it ? 
 
 Cha. I have made many efT-iys to no purpofe ; 
 though want, the miftrels or" Invention, ftill tempts 
 me on, yet ilill the old fox is too cunning for me I 
 am upon my laft project, which, if it fails, then for 
 my laft refuge, a brown mufquet. 
 
 SirGeo. What is't? Can I aflift thee ? 
 
 Cha. Not yet ; when you can, I have confidence 
 enough in you toafkit. 
 
 Sir Geo. I am always ready. But what does he in- 
 intend to do with Miranda ? Is me to be fold in pri- 
 vate ? Or will he put her up by way of auction, at 
 who bids moft ? If fo, egad, I'm for him ; my gold, 
 as you fay, '.Tiall be fubfervientto my pleafure. 
 
 Cha. To deal ingenuoufly with you, Sir George, 
 I know very little of her, or home ; for fince my 
 xmcle's death, and my return from travel, I have never 
 been well with my father ; he thinks my expences 
 too great, and I his allowance too little ; he never fees 
 me, but he quarrels ; and to avoid that, I fhun his 
 houfe as much as poffible. The report is, he intends 
 to marry her himtelr. 
 
 Sir Geo. Can me confent to it ? 
 
 Cha. Yes, faith, fo they fay ; but I tell you, lam 
 wholly ignorant of the matter. * Miranda and I 
 4 are like two violent members of a contrary party ; 
 ' I can fcarce allow her beauty, though all the world 
 * does ; nor me me civility, for that contempt.' I 
 fancy (he plays the mother-in-law already, and fets 
 the old gentleman on to do mifchief. 
 
 Sir Geo. Then I have your free content to get her ? 
 
 Cha. Ay, and my helping hand, if occafum be. 
 
 Sir Geo. Poh, yonder's a fool coming this way, let's 
 avoid him. 
 
 Cha. What, Marplot ? No, no, he's my inftru- 
 ment ; there's a thoufand conveniences in him ; he'll 
 lend me his money when he has any; run of my 
 errands, and be proud on it ; in fhort, he'll pimp 
 
 for
 
 8 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 for me, lie for me, drink for me, do any thing but 
 fight tor me, and that I truft to my own arm for. 
 
 Sir Gco. Nay, then he's to be endur'd ; I never 
 knew his qualifications betore. 
 
 Enter Marplot, ivitb a patch crofs bis face* 
 Mar. Dear Charles, yours Ha ! Sir George 
 Airy, the man in the world I have an ambition to 
 be known to. \AJtde ^\ Give me thy hand, dear 
 boy 
 
 Cba. A good aflbrance ! But, hark ye, how came 
 your beautiful countenance clouded in the wrong 
 place ? 
 
 Mar. I muft confefs, 'tis a little mal-a-propos ; but 
 HO matter for that. A word with you, Charles. 
 Pr'ythee, introduce me to Sir George he is a man 
 
 of wit, and I'd give ten guiner.s to 
 
 Cba. When you have 'em, you mean. 
 AW. Ay, when I have 'em ; pugh, pox, you cut 
 the thread of my difcourfe I would give ten guineas, 
 1 fay, to b;.> raiik'd in his acquaintance. ' Weil, 
 'tis a vail addition to a man's fortune, according to 
 the rout of the world, to be feen in the company of 
 leading men ; for then we are all thought to be 
 politicians, or whigs, or jacks, or high fliers, or 
 low fliers, or levellers and lo forth ; for you mull 
 know, we all herd in parties now. 
 
 * Cba. Then a fool for diverfion is out of fafhion, 
 I find. 
 
 * Mar. Yes, without it be a mimicking fool, and 
 they are darlings ever}' where ;' bur, pr'ythee, in- 
 troduce me. 
 
 Cba. Well, on condition you'll give us a true ac- 
 count how you came by that mourning nole, I will. 
 
 Mar. I'll do it. 
 
 Cba. Sir George, here's a gentleman has a paflio- 
 nate defn e to kifs your hand. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh, I honour men of the fword ; and I 
 prefume this gentlemen is lately come from Spain or 
 Portugal by his fears.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. , 
 
 Mar. No, really, Sir George, mine fprung from 
 civil fury. Happening lafl night into the Groom 
 Porter's I had a ftrong inclination to go ten guineas 
 with a fort of a, fort of a kind of a milk lop, as 
 I thought. A pox of the dice, he flung out, and 
 my pockets being empty, as Charles knows they 
 often are, he proved a furly North Briton, and broke 
 my face for my deficiency. 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha ! ha ! and did not you draw ? 
 
 Mar. Draw, Sir! Why, I did but lay my hanJ 
 upon my fword to make a fwift retreat, and he roar'd 
 out, Now the deel a ma fol, Sir, gin ye touch yer 
 Heel, Ife whip mine through yer wem. 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Cba. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! fafe was the word. So you 
 walk'd off, I fuppofe. 
 
 Mar. Yes, for I avoid fighting, purely to be fer- 
 viceable to my friends, you know 
 
 Sir Geo. Your friends are much oblig'd to you, 
 Sir : I hope you'll rank me in that number. 
 
 Mar. Sir George, a bow from the fide-box, or to 
 be feen in your chariot, binds me ever yours. 
 
 Sir Geo. Trifles; you may command 'em when 
 you pleafe. 
 
 Cha. Provided he may command you. 
 
 Mar. Me ! why I live for no other purpofe Sir 
 George, I have the honour to be carefs'd by moft of 
 the reigning toafts of the town. I'll tell 'em you are 
 the fined gentleman 
 
 Sir Geo. No, no, pr'ythee let me alone to tell the 
 ladies my parts Can you convey a letter upon oc- 
 cafion, or deliver a meflage with an air of bufinefs, 
 ha? 
 
 Mar. With the afluranceof a page, and the gra- 
 vity of a ftatefman. 
 
 Sir Geo. You know Miranda. 
 Mar.. What, my fitter ward ? Why, her guardian 
 is mine, we are fellow fufferers. Ah ! he is a cove- 
 tous, cheating, fan&ified curmudgeon ; that Sir 
 Francis Gripe is a damn'd old hypocritical
 
 io THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Cba. Hold, hold,, I fuppofe, friend, you forget 
 that he is my father. 
 
 Marp* Egad, and fo I did, Charles I alk your 
 pardon, Charles ; but it is for your fake I hate him. 
 Well, I fay the world is miftaken in him ; his out- 
 fide piety makes him every man's executor, and his 
 infide cunning makes him every heir's gaoler. Egad, 
 Charles, I'm half perfuaded that thou'rt fome ward 
 too, and never of his getting : *for never were two 
 things fo unlike, as you and your fatlxr ; hefcrapes it 
 every thing, and thou fpcncfjl every thing ^ every boay is- 
 indebted to him, and toon aft indebted te every body. 
 
 Char* Ton are very free, Mr* Marplot* 
 
 Mar. Ay, I give and take t Cbarle*Tou may be at 
 free ivitb me, you know* 
 
 Sir Geo. A pleafant fellow. 
 
 Cba. The dog is diverting fometimes, or there 
 would be no enduring his impertinence. He is prefs- 
 ing to be employed, and willing to execute ; but fome 
 ill fate generally attends all he undertakes, and he 
 oftener i'poils an intrigue than helps it. 
 
 Mar. I have ahvaysyour good word, $/ if I mif- 
 carry, 'tis none of my fault ; I follow my induc- 
 tions. 
 
 Cba. Yes, witnefs the merchant's wife. 
 
 Mar, Pifh,, pox, that was an accident. 
 
 Sir. Geo. What was it, pr'ythee ? 
 
 Mar. Nay, Charles, now dorft expofe yo ur friend ? 
 
 Cba. Why, you muft know, 1 had lent a cer- 
 tain merchant my hunting horfes, and was to have 
 met his wire in his abfence. bending him along 
 with my groom to make the compliment, and to de- 
 liver a letter to the lady at the fame time ; what does 
 he do, but gives the hufband the letter, and offers 
 her the horfes. 
 
 Mar. Why to be fur c, I did offer her the horfes, and 
 I remember you was even with me, for you deny'd 
 
 * The following linsj, and all thofe which are printed in 
 italics, are not in the original piece, but have been added in the re- 
 pi'efentaticn>and ars now retiiined torthe fatisfa&ion of the reader. 
 
 the
 
 THE BUSY BODY. it 
 
 the letter to be yours, and fwore I had a defign upo 
 her, which my bones paid for. 
 
 Cha. Come, Sir George, let's walk round, if you 
 are notengag'd, for I have fent my man upon a little 
 earnefl bulinefs, and I have ordered him to bring me 
 the anfwer into the park. 
 
 Mar. Buiinefs, and I not know it ! Egad, I'll 
 watch him. 
 
 Sir GCD. I muft beg your pardon, Charles, I am 
 to meet your father ! 
 
 Cha. My father ! 
 
 Sir Gco. Ay ! and about the oddetf bargain per- 
 haps you ever heard of; but I'll not impart till I 
 know 'the fucccfs. 
 
 Mar. What can his bufinefs be with Sir Francis ? 
 Now would I give all the world to know it. Why 
 the devil fhould not one know every man's concerns ! 
 
 [.Ifulc. 
 
 Cba. Profperity to't, whatever it be ; I have private 
 affairs too ; over a bottle we'll compare notes. 
 
 Mar. Charles knows I love a glafs as well as any 
 man ; I'll make one ; ihall it be to-night ? Add, 
 long to know their fecrets. [AJiJe. 
 
 Enter Whifper. 
 
 li'hifp. Sir, Sir, Mrs. Patch fays Ifabinda's Spanifli 
 father has quite fpoil'd the plot, aud Die can't meet 
 you in the park ; but he infallibly will go out this 
 afternoon, ihefays. But I mutt ftep again to know 
 the hour. 
 
 Mar. What did Whifper fay now ? I (hall go tfark 
 mad, if I'm not let into the lecret. [d/ide. 
 
 Cha. Curfl misfortune! 
 
 Mar. Curfl ! What's citrjl, Charles f 
 
 Cha. Come along with me, my heart feels pleafure 
 at her name, Sir George, yours ; we'll meet at the 
 old place the ufual hour. 
 
 >. Agreed ; I think I fee Sir Francis yonder. 
 
 [ Exit. 
 Cba.
 
 12 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Cba. Marplot, you muft excufe me, I am engag'd. 
 
 [*'/. 
 
 Mar. Engag'd ! Egad I'll engage my life I'll kno\r 
 what your engagement is. [Exit. 
 
 Mir. [Coating out of a chair.~\ Let the chair wait. 
 My fervant, that dodg'd Sir George, faid he was in 
 the Park. 
 
 Enter Patch. 
 
 Ha ! Mifs Patch alone ! Did not you tell me you had 
 contriv'd a way to bring Ifabinda to the Park ? 
 
 Patch. Oh, Madam, your ladyfhip can't imagine 
 what a wretched difappointroent we have met with : 
 juft as I had fetch'd a fuit of my cloaths for a dif- 
 guife, comes my old matter into his clofet, which is 
 right againil her chamber door ; this {truck us into a 
 terrible fright At length, I put on a grave face, and 
 alk'dhimifhe was at leifure for his chocolate, in 
 hopes to draw him out of his hole ; but he fnap'd my 
 nofe off ; " No, I {hall be bufy here thefe two hours !" 
 At which, my poor miftrefs, feeing no way of efcape, 
 ordered me to wait on your ladyfhip with the fad re- 
 lation. 
 
 Mir, Unhappy Ifabinda ! Was ever any thing fo 
 unaccountable as the humour of Sir Jealous Traffick ? 
 
 Patch. Oh, Madam, it's his living fo long in Spain ; 
 he vows he'll fpend half his eftate, but he'll be a par- 
 liament-man, on purpofe to bring in a bill for women 
 to wear veils, and other odious Spanifli culloms He 
 fwears it is the height of impudence to have a woman 
 feen bare-fac'd, even at church ; and fcarce believes 
 there's a true-begotten child in the city. 
 
 Miran. Ha ha, ha ! how the old fool torments 
 himfelf ! Suppofe he could introduce his rigid rules 
 Does he think we could not match them in con- 
 trivance r No, no, let the tyrant man make what 
 laws he will, if there's a woman under the govern- 
 ment, I warrant {lie finds a way to break 'em. Is his 
 mind fet upon the Spaniard for his fon-in-law uill ? 
 
 Patch. Ay, and he expefts him ty the next fleet, 
 which drives his daughter to melancholy and defpair. 
 
 But,
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 13 
 
 Bur, Madam, I find you retain theia me giy, ehear- 
 tul Ipirit you had when I waked on your ladyihip 
 My lady is mighty good hutnour'd too ; and I have 
 found a way to make Sir Jealous believe I am wholly 
 in his intereft, when my real defign is to ferve her ; 
 he makes me her gaoler, and I fet her at liberty. 
 
 filiran. I knew thy prolific brain would be of fin- 
 gular lervice to her, or I had not parted with thee to 
 her father. 
 
 Patch. But, Madam, the report is, that you are 
 going to marry your guardian. 
 
 Miran. It is necefiary fuch a report (hould be, 
 Patch. 
 
 Patch. But, is it true, Madam ? 
 
 Miran. That's not absolutely neceflary. 
 
 Patch. I thought it wag only the old ftrain, coax- 
 ing him ftill for your own, and railing at all the 
 young fellows about town: in my mind, now, you 
 are as ill plagu'd with your guardian, Madam, as my 
 lady is with her father. 
 
 Miran. No, I have liberty, wench ; that (he wants ; 
 what would (he give, now, to be in this defhabille, 
 in the open air; nay, more, in purfuit of the young 
 fellow (he likes; for that's my cafe, I aflure you. 
 
 Patch. As for that, Madam, (he's even with you ; 
 for tho* (he can't come abroad, we have a way to bring 
 him home, in fpite of old Argus. 
 
 Miran, Now, Patch, your opinion of my choice, 
 for here he comes Ha ! my guardian with him : 
 what can be the meaning of this ? I'm fure Sir Fran- 
 cis can't know me in this drefs Let's obferve 'em. 
 
 \Ybey withdraw* 
 
 Enter Sir Francis Gripe, and Sir George Airy. 
 Sir Fran. Verily, Sir George, thou wilt repent 
 throwing away thy money ib ; for I tell thee, fin- 
 cerely, Miranda, my charge, does not love a young 
 fellow ; they are all vicious, and ieldoin make good 
 hufbands : in fober fadnefs, (he cannot abide 'em. 
 B
 
 LJ. THE SUSY BODY. 
 
 Miraa. [P efftivg,\ nfober faduefs, you are mifta- 
 ken What can this mean ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Look ye, Sir Francis, whether (he can or 
 cannot abide young fellows, is not the bufmefs; will 
 you take the fifty guineas ? 
 
 Sir Fran. In good truth, I will not for I knew 
 thy father, he was a hearty, wary man, and I can- 
 not confent that his fon friould fquander away what 
 he fav'd, to no purpofe. 
 
 lliran. [Peeping.'] Now, in the name of wonder, 
 what bargain can he be driving about me, for fifty 
 guineas t 
 
 Patch. I \vifh it bcn't for the firft night's lodging, 
 Madam. 
 
 'Sir Geo. Well, Sir Francis, fince you are fo con- 
 fcientious for my father's fake, then permit me the 
 favour, gratis. 
 
 Miran. [Peeping.] The favour ! O'my life, I be- 
 lieve 'tis as you faid, Patch. 
 
 Sir Fran. No, verily, if thou doft not buy thy 
 experience, thou wilt never be wife ; therefore, give 
 me a hundred, and try thy fortune. 
 
 Sir Gee. The fcruples arofe, I find, from the fcanty 
 fum Let me fee a hundred guineas [Takes 'em out 
 afafurfc, and clinks J cm.] Ha! they have a very 
 pretty found, and a very pleafing look But then, 
 Miranda But if flie fhould be cruel 
 
 Miran. [Peeping.] As ten to one I fhall 
 
 Sir Frax. Ay, do, coniider on't. He, he, he! 
 
 Sir Geo. No, I'll do't. 
 
 Patch. Do't \ what, whether you will or no, 
 Madam ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Come, to the point ; here's the gold, 
 fum up the conditions 
 
 Sir Fran. [Putting out a paper.] 
 
 Afiran. [Peeping.] Ay, for Heaven's fake, do, for 
 my expectation is on the rack. 
 
 Sir Fran. Well, at your peril be it, 
 
 Sir Geo. Ay, ay, go on. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. i^ 
 
 Sir Fran. Imprimis, you are to be admitted into 
 my houfe, in order to move your fuit to Miranda, 
 for the fpace of ten minutes, without let or molefta- 
 tion, provided I remain in the fame room. 
 
 Sir Gco. But out ofear-fhot. 
 
 Sir Frai, Well, well, I don't defire to hear what 
 you fay ; ha, ha, ha ! in confideration I am to have 
 that purfe, and a hundred guineas. 
 
 Sir Geo. Take it [Gives him the pur ft. 
 
 Mir an. [Peeping.] So, 'tis well it's no worfe ; I'll 
 fit you both 
 
 Sir Gco. And this agreement is to be perform'd ; 
 to-day. 
 
 Sir Fran. Ay, ay, the fooner the better. Poor 
 fool ! how Miranda and I (hall laugh at him Well, 
 Sir George, ha, ha, ha ! take the laft found of your 
 guineas, ha, ha, ha. [Cbinks 'em.] [Exit. 
 
 Mir an. [Peeping.] Sure he does not know I am 
 Miranda. 
 
 Sir Geo. A very extraordinary bargain I have made, 
 truly ; if me fhould be really in- love with' this old 
 
 cuff, now Pfha, that's morally impoffible But, 
 
 then, what hopes have I to fucceed. I never fpoke 
 to her 
 
 Miran. [Peeping.] Say you fo ? Then I am fafe. 
 
 Sir Geo. What, tho' my tongue never fpoke, my 
 eyes faid a thoufand things, and my hopes flatter'd 
 me her's anfwer'd 'em. If I'm lucky if not, it is 
 but a hundred guineas thrown away. 
 
 [Miranda and Patch come forward. 
 
 Miran. Upon what. Sir George ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha! my incognita upon a woman,. 
 
 Madam. 
 
 Miran. They are the worft things you can deal in, 
 and damage the fooneft ; your very breath deftroys 
 'em, and I fear you'll never fee your return, Sir 
 George, ha, ha. 
 
 Sir Geo. Were they more brittle than china, and 
 
 dropped to pieces with a touch, every atom of her I 
 
 have ventur'd at, if flic is but miftrefs of thy wit, 
 
 B 2 balances
 
 i6 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 balances ten times the fum Pr*ythee let me fee thy 
 face.' 
 
 Miran. By no means ; that may fpoil your opinion 
 f my fenfe 
 
 Sir Geo. Rather confirm it, Madam. 
 
 Patch, So rob the lady of your gallantry, Sir. 
 
 Sir Geo. No, ehild, a difh of chocolate in the 
 morning never fpoils my dinner; the other lady, I 
 defign a fet meal ; fo there's no danger. 
 
 Miran. Matrimony ! Ha, ha, ha ! What crimes 
 have you committed againft the god of love, that he 
 fhould revenge 'em fo feverely, to- flamp hufKind 
 upon your forehead ? 
 
 Sir Geo. For my follv, in having fo often met you 
 here, without purfuing the laws of nature, and exer- 
 
 cifmg her command But I refolve, ere we part 
 
 now, to know who you are, where you live, what 
 kind of flefh and blood your face is ; therefore, un- 
 mafk, and don't put me to the trouble of doing it 
 for you. 
 
 Miran. My face is the fame flefh and blood with 
 my hand, Sir George, which, if you'll be fo rude 
 to provoke 
 
 Sir Geo. You'll apply it to my cheek The ladies* 
 favours are always welcome } but I muft have that 
 cloud withdrawn. [Taking bold of her. ~\ Remember 
 you are in the Park, child ; and what a terrible thing 
 would it be to lofe this pretty white hand ? 
 
 Miran. And how will it found in a chocolate-houfe, 
 that Sir George Airy rudely pulled off" a lady's mafk, 
 when he had given her his honour, that he never 
 would, directly nor indirectly, endeavour to know 
 her, till fhe gave him leave. 
 
 ' Patch. 1 wifh we were fafe out.* 
 
 Sir Geo. But if that lady thinks fit to purfue and 
 meet me at every turn, like fome troubled fpirit, 
 fhall I be blam'd if I enquire into the reality ? I 
 would have nothing diifatisfied in a female fhape. 
 
 Miran. What fhall I do ? [Paufes. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 17 
 
 Sir Geo. Ay, pr'ythee confider, for thou malt find 
 me very much at thy fervice. 
 
 Patch. Suppofe, Sir, the lady mould be in lov^ 
 with you ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh ! I'll return the obligation in a mo- 
 ment. 
 
 Patch. And marry her ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha ! That's not the way to love 
 her, child. 
 
 Mir an. If he difcovers me, I (hall die Which 
 
 way (hall 1 efcape ? Let me fee. [Paufes. 
 
 SirG. Well, Madam 
 
 Miran. I have it Sir George, 'tis fit you flic uld - 
 allow fomething ; if you'll excufe my face, and turn 
 your back (if you look upon me, 1 fhall (ink, even 
 mafk'd as I am) I will confefs why I have engag'd 
 you fo often, who I am, and where I live. 
 
 Sir Geo. Well, to fliew you I'm a man of honour, - 
 I accept the conditions. Let me but once know thofe, 
 and the face won't be long a fecret to me. 
 
 Patch. What mean you, Madam ? 
 
 I\liran. To get off. 
 
 Sir Geo. 'Tis fomething indecent to turn one's 
 back upon a lady ; but you command, and I obey. 
 [7ums his back.~\ Come, Madam, begin 
 
 Mir. Firft, then, it was my unhappy lot to fee 
 you at Paris, [Draws back a little way, and fpeaks.] ',. 
 at a ball, upon a birth-day ; your fhape and air 
 charm'd my eyes ; your wit and complaifance my 
 foul ; and from that fatal night 1 lov'd.you. 
 
 [Drawing back* 
 
 And when you left the place, grief feiz'd me fo, 
 
 No reft my heart, nd ileep my eyes could know. 
 
 Lafr, I relblv'd a hazardous point to try, 
 
 And quit the place in fearch of liberty. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Geo. Excellent I hope (he's handfome Well," 
 now, Madam, to the two other things; your name, 
 
 and where you live ! 1 am a gentleman, and this- 
 
 confcffion will not be loft upon me. -Nay, pr'ythee 
 B 3 don t
 
 i8 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 don't weep, but go on for I find my heart melts IB 
 thy behalt ipeak quickly, or I fhall turn about 
 Not yet Poor lady, fhe experts I fhould comfort 
 her; and, to do her jufHce, fhe has laid enough to 
 encourage me. [Turns about. ~\ Ha ! gone i The devil ! 
 jilted! Why, what a tale has fhe invented of Paris, 
 balls, and birth-days ! Egad I'd give ten guineas to 
 know who the gipi'y is A curfe of my folly I de- 
 ierve to lofe her. What woman can forgive a man. 
 that turns his back ! 
 
 The bold and refolute in love and war, 
 
 To conquer, take the right and fwiftelt way ; 
 
 The boldclt lover fooneil gains the fair, 
 As courage makes the rudeft force obey. 
 
 Take no denial, and the dames adore ye, 
 
 Clofely purfue them, and they fall before ye* 
 
 The END of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enter Sir Francis Gripe and Miranda. 
 
 Sir FRANCIS. 
 
 HA, ha, ha, ha ! 
 Mir. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! Oh, I fnall 
 ith laughing The moil romantic adventure 
 Ha, ha, ha ! What does the odious young fop mean * 
 A hundred pieces, to talk ten minutes with me ! ha, 
 ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Sir Fran. And I am to be by, too ; there's the jeft : 
 adod, if it had been in private, J fhould not have 
 car'd to truft the young dog. 
 
 Mir. Indeed and indeed, but you might, gardy - 
 Now, methinks there's nobody handfomer than you : 
 foneat, fo clean, Ib gocd-hurnour'd, and fo loving 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. i g 
 
 Sir Fran, Pretty rogue, pretty rogue; and fo them 
 fhalt fiud me, if thou doft prefer thy garcly before 
 thefe caperers of the age ; thou fhalt out-fhine the 
 queen's box on an opera night ; thou fhalt be the en- 
 vy of the ring (for I will carry thee to Hyde-park); 
 and thy equipage (hall furpats the what d'ye call 'em 
 unbailador's. 
 
 Mir. Nay, I am fure the d'fcreet part of my fex 
 will envy me more for the iniide furniture, when you 
 arc in it, than my outfide equipage. 
 
 Sir Fran. A cunning baggage ! I'fauh thou art, and 
 a wile one, too ; and to fhew thee thou haft not chofe 
 amifs, I'll this moment disinherit my fun, and fettb 
 my whole eft ate upon thee. 
 
 Mir. There's an old rogue, no\v. [AJtdf."\ No, 
 gardy, I would not have your name be ib black in the 
 world You know my father's will runs, that I am 
 not topoflefs my eftate, without your confent, 'rill I 
 am five-and-twenty ; you fhnll only abate the odd 
 feven years, and make me millrefsof my eitate to-day, 
 and I'll make you mafler of my perfon to-morrow. 
 
 Sir Fi an. Humph ! that may not be fafe No r 
 chargy, I'll fettle it upon thee for pin-money ; and 
 that will be every bit as well, thou kuow'it. 
 
 Mir. Unconfciomble old wretch! Bribe me with 
 my own money ! \Vhich way fhall I get out of his 
 hands ! {Afidi. 
 
 Sir Fran. Well, what art thou thinking on, my 
 girl, ha ? how to banter Sir George ? 
 
 Mir. I uwit not pretend to banter ; he knows my 
 tongue too well. [d/iJe.] No, gardy, I have thought 
 of a way will confound him more than all I could lay, 
 if I mould talk to him feven years. 
 
 Sir Fran. How's that ? Oh! I'm tranfported, I'm 
 ravifh'd, I'm mad - 
 
 Mir. It would make you mad, if you knew all-. 
 I'll not anfwer him a word, but be dumb to 
 
 all he lays. 
 
 Sir Fran. Dumb ! good ; ha, ha, ha ! Excellent ! 
 ha. ha, ha ! I think I have you now, Sir George. 
 
 Dumb !
 
 20 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 dumb! he'll go diftraaed Well, file's the wittieft 
 rogue. Ha, ha, dumb ! I can but laugh, ha, ha, to 
 think how damn'd mad he'll be, when he finds he has 
 given his money away for a dumb fhow. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Mir. .Nay, gardy, if he did but know my thoughts 
 of him, it would make him ten times madder. Ha, 
 ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Fran. Ay, fo it would, chargy, to hold him 
 in fuch derifion, to fcorn to anfwer him, to be dumb ! 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Enter Charles. 
 
 Sir Fran. How now, lirrah ! Who let you in ? 
 Cka. My neceilities, Sir. 
 
 Sir Fran. Your neceflities are very impertinent, 
 and ought to have fent before they enter'd. 
 
 .Cha. Sir, I knew 'twas a word would gain admit- 
 tance no where. 
 
 Sir Fran. Then, Sirrah, how durft you rudely 
 thruft that upon your father, which nobody elle> 
 would admit ? 
 
 Cha. Sure the name of a fon is a fufficient plea. I 
 afk this lady's pardon, if I have intruded. 
 
 Sir Fran. Ay, ay, afk her pardon, md her bleffing- 
 too, if you expeft any thing from me. 
 
 Mir. I believe yours, Sir Francis, in a purfe of 
 guineas, would be more material. Your ion may- 
 have buGneis with you ; I'll retire. 
 
 Sir Fran. I guels his buiinefs, but I'll difpatcli 
 him 5 I expect the knight every minute: you'll be 
 in readinefs ? 
 
 Mir. Certainly ! My expectation is more upon the 
 wing than yours, old gentleman. [Exit. 
 
 SirFr**. Well, Sir? 
 
 Chn. Nay, it is very ill, Sir ; my circumftances are, 
 I'm lure. 
 
 Sir Fran. And what's that to me, Sir ? Your ma- 
 nagement fliould have made 'em better. 
 
 Cha. If you pleaie to intruit me with the manage- 
 ment of my eflate, I fhall endeavour it, Sir.. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. si 
 
 Sir Fran. What, to fet upon a card, and buy a 
 lady's favour, at the price of a thoufand pieces ; to 
 rig out an equipage for a wench ; or, by your care- 
 leilhefs, to enrich your fieward, to fine Vor fheriff, or 
 put up for parliament- in an ? 
 
 Cba. I hope I fhould not fpend it this way : hov/- 
 ever, I alk only for what my uncle left me ; your* 
 you may difpofe of as you pleafe, Sir. 
 
 Sir fran. That I fhall, out of your reach, I aflure 
 you, Sir. Adod thefe young fellows think old men 
 get eftates for nothing but them to fquander away, 
 in dicing, wenching, drinking, dreiling, and fo forth. 
 
 Cba. I think I was born a gentleman, Sir ; I'm 
 fure my uncle bred me like one. 
 
 Sir fran. From which you. would infer, Sir, that 
 gaming, whoring, and the pox, are requifites for a 
 gentleman. 
 
 Cba.. Monftrous ! When I would alk him only for 
 a fupport, he falls into thefe unmannerly reproaches ; 
 I muit, thp' againfi my will, employ invention, and 
 by ftratagem relieve myfelf. \_dfide. 
 
 Sir fran. Sirrah ; what is it you mutter, firrah ? 
 ha ! \Holds up bis cane.~\ I fay you fhan't have a groat 
 out of my hands till 1 pleafe and may be I'll ne- 
 ver pleafe ; and what's that to you ? 
 
 Cba. Nay, to be robb'd, or have one's throat cut, 
 is not much 
 
 Sir Fran. What's that, firrah ? Would you rob me, 
 or cut my throat, ye rogue * 
 
 Cba. Heaven fonbid, Sir ! I faid no fuch thing. 
 
 Sir fran. Mercy on me ! What a plague it is to 
 have a fon of one-and-twenty, who wants to elbow 
 one out of one's life, to edge himfelf into the eilate ! 
 
 Exter Marplot. 
 
 Mar. Egad he's here I was nfraid I had loft him r 
 his fecret could not be with his father ; his wants are 
 public there -Guardian, your fervant O Charles! 
 are you there ? 1 know by that forrowful countenance 
 
 of
 
 ? 2 THE BUSYBODY. 
 
 thine, the old man's fift is as clofe as his ftrong box- 
 But I'll help thee. 
 
 Sir Fran. So ! Here's another extravagant cox- 
 comb, that will fpend his fortune before he comes 
 to't; but he fhall pay fwingeing intereft,;md fo let the 
 fool go on Well, what does neceffity bring you too, 
 Sir? 
 
 Mar. You have hit it, guardian I want a hua- 
 dred pounds. 
 
 Sir Fran. For what ^ 
 
 Mar. Pogh, for a hundred things ; I can't for my 
 life tell you for what. 
 
 Cba. 'Sir, I fuppofe, I have receiv'd all theanfwer 
 I am like to have. 
 
 Mar. Oh, the devil ! if he gets out before me, I 
 {hall lofe him again. 
 
 Sir Fran. Ay, Sir ; and you may be marching as 
 foon as you pleafe I muft fee a change in your tem- 
 per ere you find one in mine. 
 
 Mar. Pray, Sir, difpatch, me ; the racney, Sir; 
 I'm in mighty hafte. 
 
 Sir Fran. Fool, take this, and go to the cafliier, I 
 flian't be longplagu'd with thee. [Gives him a note. 
 
 Mar. Devil take the cafliier, I (hall certainly have 
 Charles gone before I comeback again. [Runs out. 
 
 Cba. Well, Sir, I take my leave But, remember, 
 you expofe an only fon to all the miferies of wretched 
 poverty, which too often lays the plan tor fcenes of 
 tniichief. 
 
 Sir Fran v Stay, Charles, I have a fudden thought 
 come into my head, may prove to thy advantage. 
 
 Cba. Ha, does he relent ? 
 
 Sir Fran. My lady Wrinkle, worth forty thoufand 
 pounds, lets up for a handfome young hulband ; (he 
 prais'd thee t'other day ; tho' the match-makers caa 
 get twenty guineas for a fight of her, I can introduce 
 thee for nothing. 
 
 Cha.^flj lady Wrinkle, Sir ! why (he has but one 
 eye- 
 Sir
 
 TH E B U S Y B O D Y. , 5 
 
 'Sir Fran. Then (he'll fee but half your extrava- 
 gance, Sir. 
 
 Cba. Condemn me to fuch . a piece of deformity ! 
 Toothlefs, dirry, wry-neck'd, hunch'd-back'd hag! 
 
 Sir Fran. Hunch'd-back'd ! fo much the better, 
 then fhe has a reft for her misfortunes ; for thou wilt 
 load her fwingeingly. Now, I warrant you think, this 
 is no offer of a father; forty thoufand pound is no- 
 thing with you. 
 
 Cba. Yes, Sir, I think it is too much ; a young 
 beautiful woman with half the money would be more 
 agreeableI thank you, Sir ; but you chute better for 
 yonrfelf, I find. 
 
 Sir Fran. Out of my doors, you dog ! You pretend 
 to meddle with my marriage, firrah ! 
 
 Cba. Sir, I obey. But 
 
 Sir Fran. But me no butts Begone, Sir ! Dare to 
 
 afk me for money again Refufe forty thoufand 
 
 pounds ! Out of my doors, I fay, without reply. 
 
 [Exit Cha, 
 
 Eater Marplot, running. 
 
 3&r. Ha ! gone-! is Charles gone, guardy ? 
 
 Sir Fran. Yes, and I defire your wife worfhip to 
 walk after him. 
 
 Mar. Nay, egad I fliull run, I tell you that. A 
 pox of the calhier for detaining me fo long ; where 
 the devil (hall I find him now ? I (hall certainly lofe 
 this fecret, and I bad rather by half lofe my money 
 Wlierejhall I find him ycwVye know where Charles 
 is gone, guardy ? 
 
 Sir Fran. Gone to the devil, and you may go after 
 him. 
 
 Mar. Ay that I ivitt as faft as I can. [Going re- 
 turns.] Haveyou any commands there, guardy ? [Ex. 
 
 Sir Fran. What is the fellow diftraded ? 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 Ser. Sir George Airy enquires for you, Sir. 
 
 3 S*
 
 24 THEBUSYBODY. 
 
 Sir Fran, Defire Sir George to walk up Now 
 for a trial of flcill that will make me happy, and him a 
 fool. Ha, ha, ha ! in my mind he looks like an afs 
 already. 
 
 Enter Sir George. 
 
 Well, Sir George, do you hold in the fame mind, or 
 would you capitulate ? Ha, ha, ha ! Look, here ( are 
 the guineas. [Chinks tbcm,~\ Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Not if they were twice the fum, Sir 
 Francis : therefore be brief, call in the lady, and take 
 your poft. 
 
 Sir Fran. Agreed. Miranda! t [Exit. 
 
 Sir Geo, If (he's a woman, and not feduc'd by 
 witchcraft to this old rogue, I'll make his heart ach ; 
 for if fhe has but one grain of inclination about her, 
 I'll vary a thoufand ftiapes but find it. 
 
 Enter Miranda and Sir Francis. 
 
 Sir Fran. There, Sir George, try your fortune. 
 
 [Takes out bis watch. 
 Sir Geo. So from the eaftern chambers breaks the 
 
 fun, 
 
 Difpels the clouds, and gilds the vales below. 
 [Salutes her. 
 
 Sir Fran. Hold, Sir, killing was not in our agree- 
 aient. 
 
 Sir Geo. Oh ! that's by way of prologue : IVythee, 
 old Mammon, to thy poft. 
 
 Sir Fran. Well, young Timon, 'tis now four exact- 
 ly ; ten minutes, remember, is your utmoil limit, not 
 a minute more. [Retires to the bottom oftheftagc. 
 
 Sir Ceo. Madam, whether you'll excufe or blame 
 my love, the author of this ra'fli proceeding, depends 
 upon your pleafure, as alfo the life of your admirer ; 
 your fparkling eyes fpeak a heart fuiceptible of love ; 
 your vivacity, a foul too delicate to admit the embra- 
 ces of decayed mortality. 
 
 Mr. \_AJide. ~\ Oh ! that I durft fpeak 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 2$ 
 
 Sir Gca* Shake off this tyrant guardian's yoke ; af" 
 fume yourfelr, and dafh his bold afpiring hopes' 
 The deity of his defires is avarice ; a heretic in love 
 and ouuht to be banifli'd by the queen of beauty* 
 See, Madam, a faithful fervant kneels, and begs to 
 be admitted in the number of your Haves. 
 
 [Miranda gives him her hand to raife him. 
 Sir Fran. * f wifh I cou'd hear what he fays now.* 
 [Running uf.~\ Hold, hold, hold ! no palming, that's 
 contrary to articles 
 
 Sir Geo. 'Sdeath, Sir, keep your diftance, or I'll 
 write another article in your guts. 
 
 [Lays bis band to bis fivord. 
 
 Sir Fran. [Going back."] A bloody-minded fellow! 
 Sir Geo. Not antwer me ! perhaps (he thinks my 
 addrefs too grave: I'll be more tree Can you be 
 fo unconfcionable, Madam, to let me fay all thefe 
 fine things to you without one ilngle compliment in 
 return ? View me well ; am I not a proper handtbrne 
 fellow, ha ? Can you prefer that old, dry, whither'd, 
 fap!efs log of iixty-five, to the vigorous, gav, fpright- 
 ly love of twenty-four? With fnoriiig only he'll 
 awake thee ; but I, with ravhliiug delight, would 
 make thy ienfes dance in concert with the joyful mi- 
 nutes -3 Ha! not yet? * Sure flic's dumb' Thus 
 wou'd I itenl and touch thy beauteous hand, [fake* 
 bold of her batift.~\ till by degrees I reach'd thy inowy 
 breaits, then ravilh kifles thus. 
 
 [Embraces her ivit/) exta/v, 
 
 Mir. [Struggles and flings from him.] Oh, Heavens ! 
 
 I lhall not be able to contain myfelf. [/ifitle. 
 
 Sir Fran. [Running up,ivitb bis watch in blsha.'ni.\ 
 
 Sure flie did not fpeak to him There's five of the 
 
 ten minutes gone, Sir George Adod, I don't like 
 
 thofe clofe conference* 
 
 Sir Geo. More interruptions you will have it, Sn ! 
 [ Lf>ys bit band to bis J\vorJ. 
 
 Sir Fran. [GvingtiacL'] No, no, you fhan'r hnre 
 
 her neither. [dfid' 
 
 C ' Si*
 
 26 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Sir Gto. Dumb ftill Sure this old dog has en- 
 
 join'd her filence ; I'll try another way ' I mull 
 
 * conclude, Madam, that in compliance to your guar- 
 dian's humour, you ref ufe to anfwer me. Confi- 
 
 * der the injuitice of his injunction.' Madam, 
 
 thefe few minutes coft me a hundred pounds and 
 
 would you anfwer me, I could purchafe the whole day 
 fo. However, Madam, you muft give me leave to 
 make the beft interpretation I can for my money, and 
 tike the indication of your filence for the fecret liking 
 of my perfon : Therefore, Madam, I will htftruct 
 you how to keep your word inviolate to Sir Francis, 
 and yet anfwer me to every queftion : as for example, 
 when I alk any thing to which you would reply in 
 the affirmative, gently nod your head thus ; [Nods.} 
 and when in the negative, thus; [Shakes bis bead.] 
 and in the doubtful, a tender figh, thus. \Sigbs. 
 
 Mir. How every action charrns me but I'll fit 
 
 him forfigns, I warrant him. \_djlde* 
 
 ' Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha! poor Sir George, ha, ha, 
 ' ha ! \_Aftdf. 
 
 SlrGeo. Was it by his defire that you are dumb, 
 Madam, to ail I can fay ? [Miranda nods."} Very 
 
 well ! flic's tractable, I find And i? it pofljble that 
 
 you can love him ? [Miranda noJs.~\ Miraculous ! 
 garden the bluntnefs or my questions, for my time is 
 fhort. May I not hope to fupplant him in your 
 efteem ? [Miranday^Af.j Good, file anfwers me as I 
 
 could wifli You'll not confent to marry him then ? 
 
 [Miranda jtghs.'} How ! doubtful in that : Undone 
 
 again Humph ! but that may proceed from his 
 
 power to keep her out of her euate till twenty-five ; 
 
 I'll try that Come, Madam, I cannot think you 
 
 hefitateon this affair out of any motive but your for- 
 tune Let him keqyit till th'ofe few years are ex- 
 
 pir'd ; make me happy with your perfon, let him en- 
 joy your wealth [Miranda holds up her bands.'} Why, 
 what fign is that now ? Nay, nay, Madam, except 
 you obierve my leflbn, I can't undeiftand your mean- 
 ing. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSYBODY. 27 
 
 Sir Fran. What a vengeance, are they talking by 
 figns ! 'ad, I may be fool'd here. What do you mean, 
 Sir George ? 
 
 Sir Geo. To cut your throat, if you dare mutter 
 another fyllable. 
 
 Sir Fran, Od ! I wifli he were fairly out of my 
 houfe. 
 
 Sir Geo. Pray, Madam, will you anfwer me to the 
 purpofe? [ Miranda flakes her bead, and points to 6Vr 
 Francis.] What does ftie paean ! (he won't anfwer me 
 to the purpofe, or is (he afraid yon old cuff fliou'd 
 
 understand her figns ? Ay, it muft be that. I 
 
 perceive, Madam, you are too apprehenfive of the 
 promife you have made to follow my rules ; therefore 
 
 I'll fuppofe your mind, and anfwer for you Firit, 
 
 for myielf, Madam, that I am in love with you is an 
 infallible truth. Now for you : [Turns on her JiJc.] 
 
 Indeed, Sir, and may I believe it? As certainly, 
 
 Madam, as that 'tis day -light, or that I die if you 
 perfiit in filence Blefs me wiih the rnufic of your 
 voice, and raife my fpirits to their proper Heaven : 
 Thus low let me intreat, e'er I'm oblig'd to quit thU 
 place, grant me fome token of a favourable reception 
 to keep my hopes alive. \_Arifes bajlily, turns on her 
 Jidc.~\ Rife, Sir ; and fmce my guardian's prefence 
 will not allow me privilege of tongue, read that, and 
 reft aflur'd you are not indifferent to me. [Offers her 
 a letter, Jbejlr ikes it down.] Ha, right woman! But 
 no matter, I'll go on. 
 
 S\rFran. Ha ! what's that ! a letter! Ha, ha, 
 
 ha ! 'fhou art baulk'd. 
 
 Mir. The beft a flu ranee I ever faw C^*,' 
 
 Sir Gco. Ha ! a letter ! Oh ! let me kifs it witU 
 the fame raptures that I would do the dear hand that 
 touch'd it. {Opens it.] Now for a quick fancy, and a 
 long extempore What's here ? [Rcath.] "Dear 
 " Sir George; this virgin mufe I confecrate to you, 
 " which when it has receiv'd the addition of your 
 " voice, 'twill charm me into a defire of liberty to 
 ** love; which you, and only you can fix." My 
 C a- angel !
 
 a 8 
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 angel ! Oh, you tranfport me ! [Kijjes tie letter.} 
 And fee the power of your command ; the god or" 
 ' love has fet the verfe already; the flowing numbers 
 . dance into a tune, and I'm uifpir'd with a voice to 
 
 * fing it. 
 
 Mir. I'm fure thou art infpir'd with impudence 
 
 * enough. r dfcfr. 
 
 * 
 
 Great love infpire him j 
 Say I admire him. 
 Give me the lover, 
 That can discover 
 Seciet devotion 
 From filent motion ; 
 Tl-.eii don't betray me, 
 But hence convey me. 
 
 SirC. ^ [Taking bold of Miranda.] With all my 
 * heart,' this moment let's retire. 
 
 \Sir Francis coming up ha/illy* 
 
 fir Fran. The time is expir'd, Sir, and you muft 
 
 take your leave. There, my girl, there's the hundred 
 
 pounds, which thou haft won. Go, I'll be with you 
 
 pieiently, ha, ha, ha, ha ! [Exit Miranda. 
 
 Sir Gt-o. Ads-heart, Madam, you won't leave me 
 
 juft in the nick, will you r 
 
 SirJVda. Ha, ha, ha! fl.e has nick'd you, Sir 
 George, I think, ha, ha, ha ! Have you any more 
 hundred pounds to throw away upon courtfhip ? Ha, 
 ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Gfo. He, he, he, he ! A curfe of your fleering 
 jefts Yet, however ill I fucceeded. I'll venture the 
 lame wager, fhe does not value thee a fpoonful of 
 fnuff Nay, more, thoxigh you enjoin'd her filence to 
 me, you'll never make her fpeak to the purpofe with 
 yourlelf. 
 
 Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha! Did I not tell thee thou 
 would'it repent thy money ? Did I r.ot fay, (he hated 
 young fellows ? Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 SiiGco. And I'm pofuive flic's not in love with age. 
 
 Sir
 
 T H E B U S Y B O D Y. 
 
 29 
 
 Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha ! no matter for that, ha, ha ! 
 flic's not taken with your youth, nor your rhetoric to 
 boot ; Ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Whate'er her reafons are for difliking of 
 me, I am certain {he can be taken with nothing about 
 thee. 
 
 Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha ! how he fwells with envy~ 
 Poor man, poor man Ha, ha, ha ! I muft beg your 
 pardon, bir George ; Miranda will be impatient to- 
 have her (hare of mirth. Verily we fliall laugh at 
 thee moft egregioufly. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Geo. With all my heart, faith - 1 {hall laugh 
 in my turn, too For if you dare marry her, old Bel~ 
 zcbub, you will be cuckolded moft egregioufly : re- 
 member that, and tremble - 
 
 * She that to age her beauteous felf refigns, 
 
 * Shews witty management for dole defigns. 
 
 * Then if thou'rt grac'd with fair Miranda's bed, 
 
 * Adaeon's horns fhe means {hall crown thy head.. 
 
 Pjbfe. 
 * Sir Fran.. Ha, ha, ha ! he is mad. 
 
 * Thefe fluttering fops imagine they can wind, 
 
 * Turn, and decoy to love all woman-kind : 
 
 * But here's a proof of wifdom in my charge, 
 
 * Old men are conuant, young men live at large j 
 ' The frugal hand can bills at fight defray, 
 
 ' When he that lavifli is. has naught to p.iy 
 
 SCENE changes to Sir Jealous Traffick's houfe.. 
 
 Enter Sir Jealous, Ifabinda and Patch folloiwng. 
 
 Sir J. What, in the balcony again, notwithftand- 
 ing my pofitive commands to the contrary ? Why 
 don't you write a bill on your forehead, to {hew pal- 
 fen gers there's fomething to be let ? - 
 
 If. What harm can there be in a little frcfh air, Sir ? 
 
 Sir J. Is your conftitution fo hot, mithefs, that it 
 
 wants cooling, ha? Apply the virtuous Spanifli rules-; 
 
 C bamfli
 
 5 o T H E B U S Y B O D V. 
 
 banifh your tafte, and thoughts of fle (h ; feed upon 
 roots, and quench your thirit with \vater. 
 
 Ji~. That and a clofe room wou'd certainly make 
 me die of the vapours. 
 
 Sir y. No, mulrcfs, 'tis your high-fed, lufly, ram- 
 bling, rampant ladies that are troubled with the 
 vapours: 't.s your latifia, perfico, cinnamon, citron, 
 2nd Jpirit of clara, caufe fuch fvvimming in the . 
 brain, tbat carries many a guinea full tide to the doc- 
 tor. But you are not to be bred this way : no gal- 
 loping abroad, no receiving viiits at home ; for in 
 cur loofe country, the women are as dangerous as the 
 men. 
 
 Patch. So I tcld her, Sir ; and that it was not de- 
 cent to be feen in a balcony But flic threatened 
 
 to flap my chops, and told me, I was her fervanr, not 
 her goverriefs. 
 
 Sir J. Did fhe fo ? But I'll make her to know that 
 you are her duenna. Oh, that incomparable cuflom 
 of Spain ! Why here's no depending upon old wo- 
 men in my country for they are as wanton at eighty, 
 as a girl of eighteen ; and a man may as fafely truft 
 to Afgil's tranflation, as to his gieat grandmother's not 
 marrying again. 
 
 Jj. Or to the Spanifh ladies veils and duennas, for 
 the fafeguard of their honour. 
 
 Sir J. Dare to ridicule the cautious conduct of that 
 wife nation, and I'll have you lock'd up this fortnight 
 without a peep-hole. 
 
 If. If we had but the ghoflly helps in England, 
 which they have in Spain, I might deceive you if you 
 did' Sir, 'tis not the reitraint, but the innate prin- 
 ciple, fecures the reputation and honour of our 
 
 fex' Let me te:lyou,'Sn, confinement fharpens 
 
 the invention, as v.f.nc of fight ftrengthens the other 
 fenfes, and is uften more pernicious than the recrea- 
 tion that innocent liberty allows. 
 
 Sir y. Say you fo, miflrefs ! Y\ r ho the devil taught 
 you the art of renlbning t I allure you, they muft 
 have a greater faith than I ptetend to, that can think 
 
 any 
 4
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 31 
 
 any woman innocent who requires liberty. There- 
 fore, Patch, to your charge 1 give her ; lock her up 
 till I come back from Change. I fhall have ibine 
 fauntring coxcomb, with nothing but a red coat and a 
 leather, think, by leaping into her arms, to leap into 
 my cftate But I'll prevent them ; fhe Ihall be only 
 Signior Babinetto's. 
 
 Patch. Really, Sir, I wifh you would employ any 
 body elfe in this aftair; I lead a life like a dog, with 
 obeying your commands. Come, Madam, will you 
 pleafe to be locked up ? 
 
 If. Ay, to enjoy more freedom than he is aware 
 of/[4/^.] [Exit with Patch. 
 
 Sir J. I believe this wench is very true to my inte- 
 reft. I am happy I metwith her, if I can but keep 
 my daughter from being blown upon 'till Signior Ba- 
 binetto arrives, who {hall marry her as foon as he 
 comes, and carry her to Spain as foon as he has mar- 
 ried her. She has a pregnant wit, and I'd no more 
 have her an Englilh wife, than the Grand Signior's 
 iniftrefs. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Whifper. 
 
 Wlnfp. So, I faw Sir Jealous go out j where (hall I 
 find Mrs. Patch now? 
 
 Enter Patch. 
 
 Patch. Oh, Mr. Whifper ! my lady faw you out 
 at the window, and order'd me to bid you fly, and let 
 you mafter know (he's now alone. 
 
 Wbifp. Hulh, fpeak foftly ; I go, I go. But hark 
 ye, Mrs. Patch, (hall not you aad I have a little 
 confabulation, when my matter aud your lady are 
 engag'd ? 
 
 Patch. Ay, ay, farewel. [Cces in, andjhuts the door. 
 
 Re-enter Sir Jealous Traffic, meeting Whifper. 
 Sir 7. Sure whilft I was talking with Mr. Trade- 
 well. I heard my door clap. [Seeing Whifper.J Ha ! 
 
 a man
 
 32 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 a man lurking about my houfe : Who do you want 
 there, Sir ? 
 
 Whlfp. Want want, a pox, Sir Jealous ! What 
 muft I fay now ! 
 
 Sir J. Ay, want ! ' Have you a letter or meflage for 
 
 any body there ? O' my confcience, this is fome 
 
 he bawd 
 
 ll^jifp, Letter or meflage, Sir ? 
 
 Sir J. Ay, letter or meflage, Sir. 
 
 Wbi/fi. No, not I, Sir. 
 
 Sir J. Sirrah, firrah ! I'll have you fet in ths 
 flocks, if you don't tell your bufinefs immediately. 
 
 Whifp. Nay, Sir, my bufmefb is no great matter 
 of bufinefs, neither ; and yet 'tis bufinefs of confe- 
 fjuence, too. 
 
 Sir J. Sirrah, don't trifle with me. 
 
 U^jifp. Trifle, Sir ! have you found him, Sir ? 
 
 Sir J. Found what, you rafcal ? 
 
 Wl?ifp. Why Trifle is the very lap-dog my lady loft, 
 Sir ; I fancy'd I faw him mrrinto this houfe. I'm 
 glad you have him Sir; my lady will be overjoy 'U 
 that I have found him. 
 
 Sir J . Who is your lady, friend ? 
 
 WTy'ifp. My lady Love-puppy, Sir. 
 
 Sir J. My lady Love-puppy, Sir ! Then pr'ythee 
 carry thyfelf to her, for I know no other whelp that 
 belongs to her ; and let me catch you no more puppy- 
 hunting ab ut my doors, left I have you preft into the 
 fervice, firrah. 
 
 Wlnfp. By no means, Sir Your humble fervant ; 
 I muft watch whether he goes or no, before I can tell 
 my mafter. [Exit* 
 
 Sir J. This fellow has the officious leer of a pimp, 
 and I half fufpeft a defign ; but I'll be upon them 
 before they think on me, I warrant 'em. [Exit, 
 
 SCENE 3
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 33 
 
 SCENE, Charles's lodging,. 
 
 Enter Charles and Marplot. 
 
 Cl. Honeft Marplot, I thank thee for this fupply. 
 I expert my lawyer with a thoufand pounds I have 
 order'd him to take up, and then you lhall be repaid. 
 
 Mar. Pho, pho, no more of that : Here comes, 
 Sir George Airy. 
 
 Enter Sir George. 
 
 Curfedly out of humour at his difappointment. See 
 how he looks ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 SirG. Ah, Charles, I am fo humbled in my pre- 
 tenfions to plots upon women, that I believe I fhall 
 never have courage enough to attempt a chamber- 
 maid again. I'll tell thee 
 
 C/j. Ha, ha ! I'll fpare you the relation, by telling 
 
 you Impatient to know your bufmefs with my 
 
 father, when I faw you enter, I dipt back into the 
 next room, where I overheard every fyllable. 
 
 Mar. Did you , Charles? 2 iv//6 1 had been with" 
 you. 
 
 Sir G. That I faid But I'll be hang'd if you 
 
 heard her anfwer But pr'ythee tell me, Charles, 
 
 is fhe a fool ? 
 
 Ch. I never fufpe&ed her for one ; but Marplot 
 can inform you better, if you'll allow him a judge. 
 
 Mar. A fool ! 1'lljuftify fhe has more wit than all 
 the reft of her fex put together. Why, fhe'll rally me 
 till I han't a word to fay for myfelf. 
 
 Ch. A mighty proof of her wit, truly 
 
 Mar. There muft be fome trick in' t, Sir George ; 
 egad I'll find it out, if it coft me the fum you paid 
 ior't. 
 
 Sir G, Do, and command me 
 
 Mar, Enough, let me alone to trace a fecret 
 
 Enter
 
 34 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Enter Whifper, andfpeaks ajide to bis majler. 
 The devil ! he here again ? Damn that fellow, he 
 never fpeaks out. Is this the fame or a new fecret ? 
 You may f peak out^ here are none but friends. 
 
 Ch. Pardon me, Marplot , 'tis aftcret. 
 
 Mar. A ftcret ! Ay, or ecod I^wulJ not give a for- 
 th: ng for it. Sir George, won't you afk Charles what 
 news Whifper brings ? 
 
 SirG. Not I, Sir; I fuppofe it does not relate to 
 me. 
 
 Mar. Lord, Lord, how little curiofity fome peo- 
 ple have ? Now my chief pleafure is in knowing 
 every body's bufinefs. 
 
 Sir G. I fancy, Charles, thou haft fome engagement 
 upon thy hands ? 
 
 Mar Hav/you, Charles f 
 
 Sir G. I have a little bufinefs too. 
 
 Mar. 'Havejwij Sir George ? 
 
 Sir G. Marplot, if it falls in your way to bring me 
 any intelligence from Miranda, you'll find me at the 
 Thatch'd-houfe at fix 
 
 Mar. You do me much honour. 
 
 Ch. You guefs right, Sir George ; wifh me fuccefs. 
 
 Sir G. Better than attended me. Adieu. [Exit. 
 
 Ch. Marplot, you muft excufe me 
 
 Mar. Nay, nay^ ; what need of any excufe amongft. 
 friends ; I'll go with you. 
 
 Ch. Indeed you muft not. 
 
 Mar. No ; then I fuppofe 'tis a duel, and I will 
 gotofecure you. 
 
 Ch. Well, but tis no duel, confequently [no dan- 
 ger. Therefore pr'ythee be anfwer'd. 
 
 Mar. What is'c a miftrefs, then ? Mum You 
 
 know I can be filent upon occafion. 
 
 Ch. I wifh you could be civil too : I tell you, you 
 neither muft nor fhall go with me. Farewel. [Exit. 
 
 Mar. Why then I muft and will fallow you. 
 
 [Exit. 
 ' END of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 35 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Enter Charles. 
 
 CHARLES. 
 
 WELL, here's the houfe which holds the lovely 
 prize, quiet and ferene : here no noify foot- 
 men throng, to tell the world that beauty dwells 
 within ; no ceremonious vifit makes the lover wait ; 
 no rival to give my heart a pang. Who would not 
 fcalethe window at midnight, without fear of the 
 jealous father's piftol, rather than fill up the train of 
 a coquet, wheie every minute he is joftled out of 
 place > [Knocks foftly.} Mrs. Patch, Mrs. Patch ! 
 
 Enter Patch. 
 
 Patch* Oh, are you come, Sir? All's fafe. 
 Cba, So in, in then. 
 
 Enter Marplot. 
 
 Mar. There he goes : who the devil lives here ? 
 Except I can find out that, I am as far from knowing 
 his bufinefs as r evcr ; 'gad I'll watch ; it may be a 
 bawdy-houfe, and he may have his throat cut ; if 
 there (hould be any mifchief, 1 can make oath he 
 went in. Well, diaries, in fpite of your endeavours 
 to keep me out of the fecret, I may fave your life 
 for aught I know. At that corner I'll plant myfelf, 
 there 1 (hall fee whoever goes in, or comes out. Gad, 
 I love dilcoveiies. [Exit* 
 
 SCENE draws, anddifcevers Charles, Ifabinda, and 
 Patch. 
 
 If. Patch, look out (harp ; have a care of dad. 
 
 Patch. I warrant you. 
 
 If. Well, Sir, if 1 may judge your love by your 
 -courage, I ought to believe: you lincere ; for you 
 venture into the lion's dcu when you come to iee me.
 
 3 6 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Ch. If you'd confent, whilft the furious beaft is 
 abroad, I'd free you from the reach of his paws. 
 
 If. That would be but to avoid one danger by run- 
 ning into another; * like poor wretches who fly the 
 ' burning (hip, and meet their fate in the water.' 
 Come, come, Charles, I fear if I confult my reaibn, 
 confinement and plenty is better than liberty and 
 itarving. 1 I know you'd make the frolic pleafmg for 
 a little time, by faying and doing a world of tender 
 things ; but when our fmall fubftance is exhaufted, 
 and a thoufand requifites for life are wanting ; love, 
 who rarely dwells with poverty, would alfo fail us. 
 
 Cba. Faith, I fancy not ; methinks, my heart 
 has laid up a ftock will laft for life: to back 
 which, I have taken a thoufand pounds upon my 
 uncle's eftate ; that furely will fupport us till one of 
 our fathers relent. 
 
 Ifac. There's no trufting to that, my friend ; I 
 doubt your father will carry his humour to the grave, 
 and mine till he fees me fettled in Spain. 
 
 Cba. And can you then cruelly refolve to ftay till 
 that curs'd Don arrives, and fufter that youth, beauty, 
 fire, and wit, to be facrificed to the arms of a dull 
 Spaniard, to be immured, and forbid the fight of any 
 thing that's human ? 
 
 Ifab. No, wherr it comes to that extremity, and no 
 flratagem can relieve us, thou ftalt lift for a foldier, 
 and I'll carry thy knapfack after thee. 
 
 Cba. Bravely refolv'd ! Theworld cannot be more 
 favage than our parents, and fortune generally affifts 
 the bold ; there fore confent now : why mould fhe put 
 it to a future hazard? Who knows* when we (hall 
 have another opportunity ? 
 
 Ifcb. Oh, you have your ladder of ropes, I fvip- 
 poie, and the clofet -window Hands iuft where it did ; 
 and if you han't forgot to write in characters, Patch 
 will find a way for our aliignutions. Thus much ot 
 the Spanifli contrivance my father's fever"; ty has 
 taught me, I thank him ; though I hate the nation, 
 I admire their management in thefe affairs. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE BITSY feODY. 37 
 
 Enter Patch. 
 
 Patch. Oh, Madam, I fee my mailer coming uu 
 the ftreer. 
 
 Ch. Oh, the devil, would I had my ladder now. 
 I thought you had not expected him till night. Why, 
 why, why, why, what fhall I do, Madam ? 
 
 If. Oh ! for heaven's fake, don't go that way ; 
 you'll meet him full in the teeth. ' Oh, unlucky 
 * moment !' 
 
 Cb. Adiheart, can you flntt me into no cupboard, 
 nor ram me into a chert, ha ? 
 
 Patch. Impoffible, Sir, he fearches every hole in 
 the houfe. 
 
 If. Undone for ever ! If he fees you, I {hall never 
 fee you more. 
 
 Patch. I have thought on it: run you to your 
 chamber, Madam ; and, Sir, come you along with 
 me ; I'm certain you may euiily get down from the 
 balcony. 
 
 Ch. My life, adieu Lead on, guide. [Exit. 
 
 If. Heaven preferve him ! [Exit. 
 
 SCENE changes '.o the Street. 
 
 Enter Sir Jealous, i>j>tb Marplot behind him. 
 Sir J. I don't know what's the matter, but I have 
 a ftrong fufpic'ion all is not right within ; that fellow's 
 launtering about my door, and his tale of a puppy 
 had the face of a he, methought. By St. la'go, if 
 I fhould find a man in the houfe, I'd make mince- 
 meat of him 
 
 Mar. Mined neat! Ah, poor Charles! JJKV I 
 
 fiveatfor thce ! Egad, he's old 1 fancy I might 
 
 bully him, and make Charles have an opinion of my 
 courage. E%ad^ r II pluck /, and have a tench wit& 
 him. 
 
 Sir J. My own key fhall let me in ; I'll give them 
 no warning. [Feeling for hii kiy. 
 
 Mar. What's that you fay, Sir ? 
 
 [Going up to Sir Jealous. 
 D Sir,
 
 38 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Sir J. What's that to you, Sir ? 
 
 \Turns quick jtpnn him. 
 
 Mar. Yes, 'tis to me, Sir: forthe gentleman you 
 threaten is a very honeil gentleman. Look to't ; for 
 if he comes not as fafe out of your houfe as he went 
 
 Sir J. Wliat is he in then ? 
 
 Mar. T"es, &>, he is then ; and, I fay, if he floes 
 not come out, I have half a dozen Myrmidons hard by 
 ftiall beat your houfe about your ears. 
 
 Sir J. Ah! a combination to undo me I'll 
 
 Myrmidon you, ye dog, you Thieves ! thieves 1 
 
 [Beats Marplot all the while he cries thieves. 
 
 Mar. Murder, murder ! I was not in your houfe, 
 Sir. 
 
 Enter Servant-, 
 
 Serv. What's the matter, Sir ? 
 
 Sir J. The matter, rafcal ! You have let a maa 
 into my houfe; but I'll flea him alive; follow me, 
 I'll not leave a moufe-holeunfearch'd ; ifl find him, 
 by St. lago I'll equip him for the opera. 
 
 Mar. A deuce of his cane, there's no rrufting fo 
 ageWhat (hall I do to relieve Charles ? Egad, I'll 
 
 raife the neighbourhood Murder! murder! 
 
 \CharlesArcp; down upon him from the balcony.} Charles, 
 faith, I'm glad to fee thee fate out, with all ny heart. 
 
 Ch. A pox of your bawling : how the devil cam* 
 you here? 
 
 Mar. Egad, if 3 -very <av// fur you that I was here ; 
 I have done you a piece of fervice. I told the olci 
 thunderbolt, that the gentleman that was gone in, 
 was 
 
 Ch. Was it you that told him, Sir ? [Laying hold 
 t>f hi',n,~\ 'Sdeath, I could crirfh thee into atoms. 
 
 [ Exit Charles. 
 
 Mar. What ! will you choak me for my kindnefs ? 
 
 Will my enquiring foul never leave fearching into 
 
 other people's affairs, till it gets fqueez'd out of my 
 
 ' I dare not follow him now, for my blood, 
 
 he's in fuch a paifion I'll to Miranda ; if I can dil- 
 
 cover
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 39 
 
 cover aught that may oblige Sir George, it may be 
 a means to reconcile me again to Charles. 
 
 Sir J. [within.] Look about ! fear cb ! find htm out* 
 Mar. Ob, the devil ! there's old cralftick again. 
 
 [Exit. 
 Enter Sir Jealous -and his Servants. 
 
 Sir J. Are you fure you have fearch'd- every where ? 
 
 Serv. Yes, from the top of the houfe to the bot- 
 tom. 
 
 Sir J. Under the beds, and over the beds ? 
 
 Serv. .Yes, and in. them too ; but found nobody, 
 Sir.;* 
 
 Sir J. Why, what could th'u rogue mean ? 
 
 Enter Ifabinda and Patch. 
 
 Patch. Take courage, Madam, I faw him fafe out. 
 
 [Aflde to Ifab. 
 
 Ifab. Blefsme! what's the matter, Sir? 
 
 Sir J. You know belt Pray where's the man that 
 was here juft now ? 
 
 If. What man, Sir ? I faw none. 
 
 Patch. Nor I, by the truftyou repofe in me. Do 
 you think I wou'd let a man come within thefe doors, 
 when you are abfent ? 
 
 Sir y. Ah, Patch, (he may be too cunning for thf 
 honefly ; the very fcout, that he had fet to give 
 warning, difcovered it to me and threatened me 
 with half a dozen Myrmidons - But I think I 
 maul'd the villain. Thefe afflictions you draw upon 
 me, miftrefs ! 
 
 If. Pardon me, Sir, 'tis your own ridiculous hu- 
 mour draws you into thefe vexations, and gives every 
 fool pretence to banter you. 
 
 Sir y. No, 'tis your idle conduct, your coquettifli 
 flirting into the balcony Oh ! with what joy fhall I 
 relign thee into the arms of Don Diego Babinetto. 
 
 If. And with what induftry fliall 1 avoid him. 
 
 . Certainly, that rogue had a meiTage from 
 fomebody or other; but being baulk'd by my 
 D 2 coming,
 
 4 o THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 coming, popp'd that (ham upon me. Come along, ye 
 fots, let's fee if we can find the dog again. Patch, 
 lock her up ; d'ye hear ? 
 
 Patch. Yes, Sir Ay, walk till your heels ake, 
 you'll find nobody, I promife you. 
 
 If. Who cou'd that fcout be which he talks of? 
 
 Patch. Nay, I can't imagine, without it was 
 Whifper. 
 
 If. Well, dear Patch, let's employ all our thoughts 
 how to efcape this horrid Don Diego j my very heart 
 finks at his terrible name. 
 
 Patch. Fear not, Madam, Don Carlo fhall be the 
 man, or I'll lofe the reputation of contriving ; and 
 tfaen what's a chamber-maid good for ? 
 * If. Say'ft thou fo, my girl ? Then 
 
 * Let dad be jealous, multiply his cares, 
 
 * Whilft love inftruft me to avoid the fnares ? 
 
 * I'll, fpighfcof all his Spanifh caution, fhow . 
 4 How much for love a Britifh. maid can do.' 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 SCENE, Sir Francis Gripe'* Houfe. 
 
 Sir Francis and Miranda meeting. 
 
 "Mir* Well, gardy, how did I perform the dumb 
 fcene ? 
 
 Sir F. To admiration Thou dear little rogue ; 
 let me bufs thee for it: nay, adod, I will, chargy, 
 fo muzzle and tuzzle, and hug thec ; I will, i'iaith, 
 
 Mir. Nay, gardy, don't be folaviih. Who would 
 ride poft, when the journey lafts for life ? 
 
 Sir F. Ah wag, ah wag ! I'll bufs thee again, for 
 that. Oh, I'm transported ! When, when, my dear, 
 wilt thou convince the world of the happy day? 
 When fhall we marry, ha ? 
 
 Mir. There's nothing wanting but your confent, 
 Sir Francis. 
 
 Sir F. My confent ! What does my channcr 
 mean ? 
 
 Mir. Nay, 'tis only a whim ; but I'll have every 
 
 thing
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 41 
 
 thing according to form Therefore when you fign 
 an authentic paper, drawn up by an able lawyer, 
 that I have your leave to marry, the next day makes 
 me yours, gardy. 
 
 Sir F. Ha, ha, ha ! a whim indeed ! why is it not 
 demonuration I give my leave when I marry thee ? 
 
 Mir. Not for your reputation, gardy ; the ma- 
 licious world will be apt to fay you trick me into 
 marriage, and fo take the merit from rny choice. 
 Now I will have the aft my own, to let the idle fops 
 fee how much I prefer a man loaded with years and 
 wifdom. 
 
 Sir F. Humph ! Pr'ythee leave out years, chargy, 
 I'm not fo old, as thou Ihalt find : Adod, I'm young ; 
 there's a caper for ye. [Jumjti, 
 
 Mir. Oh, never excufeit; why, I like you tlr.s 
 better for being old But I (hall fufpeft you don't love 
 me, if you refufe me this formality. 
 
 Sir F. Not love thee, chargy! Adod, I do love 
 thee better than, than, than, better than what 
 (hall I fay? Egad, better than n>oney; i '.faith, I 
 do 
 
 Mir. That's falfe, I'm.fure. \Afi<lt.~\ .To prove it, 
 dt this, then. 
 
 Sir Fr. Well, I will do it, chargy, provided I 
 bring a licence at the fame time ? 
 
 Mir. Ay, and a parfon too, if you pleafe. Ha, ha, 
 ha ! I can't help laughing to think how all the young 
 coxcombs about town will be mortified when they 
 hear of our marriage. 
 
 Sir F. So they will, fo they will; ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Mir. Well, 1 fancy I fhall be fo happy with my 
 gardy 
 
 Sir F. If wearing pearls and jewels, or eating gold, 
 as the old faying is, can make thee happy, thou (halt 
 be fa, my fweeteit, my lovely, my charming, my 
 verily I know not v.hat to call thee. 
 
 Mir. You muft know, gardy, that I am fo eager 
 to have this bufmefs concluded, that 1 have em- 
 ployed my woman's brother, who is a lawyer in the 
 D 3 Tun-
 
 42 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Temple, to fettle matters juft to your liking; you 
 are to give your conient to my marriage, which is to 
 yourfelf, you know : but mum, you muft take no no- 
 tice of that. So then I will, that is, with your leave, 
 put my writings into his hands ; then to-morrow \ve 
 come flap upon them with a wedding that nobody 
 thought on ; by which you feize n~e and my eftate, 
 and I fuppofe make a bon6re of your own act and 
 deed. 
 
 Sir F. Nay, but chargy, if 
 
 Mtr. Nay, gardy, no ifs Have I refus'd three 
 northern lords, two Britifh peers, and half a fcore 
 knights, to have p it in your ifs ? 
 
 Sir Fr. So thou haft, indeed, and I will trull to 
 thy management. 'Od, I'm all of a fire. 
 
 Mjr 'Tis a wonder the dry ftubble does not blaze. 
 
 Eater Marplot. . 
 
 Sir F. How now, who fent for you, Sir ? What's 
 the hundred pound gone al read; ? 
 
 Mar. No, Sir, I don't wan r :-.,-ney now, gardy. 
 
 Sir F. No; that's a miracle! but there's one 
 thing you want, I'm fure. 
 
 Mart Ay, what's that ? 
 
 Sir F. Manners! What had I no fervants with- 
 out? 
 
 Mar. None that could do my bufinefs, guardian, 
 which is at prefent with this lady. 
 
 Mir. With me, Mr. Marplot ! What is it, I be- 
 feech you ? 
 
 Sir F. Ay, Sir, what is it ? Any thing that relates 
 to her may be delivered to me. 
 
 Mar. I deny that. 
 
 Mir. That's more than I do, Sir. 
 
 Mar. Indeed, Madam ! Why then to proceed ; 
 Fame fays, ycu know left whether jbe lies or not, that 
 you and my moft conicionable guardian here defign'd, 
 contriv'd, plotted, and agreed, to choufe a very
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 43 
 
 civil, houeft, honourable gentleman, out of a hun- 
 dred pounds. Guilty or not ? 
 
 Mir. That I contriv'd it ! 
 
 Mar. Ay, you You faid never a word againfl 
 
 it, fo far you are guilty. 
 
 Sir F. Pray tell that civil, honeft, honourable gen- 
 tleman, that if he has any more fuch fums to fool 
 away, they (hall be received like the laft. Ha, ha, 
 ha ! chous'd, quotha 1 But. hark ye, let him know, 
 at the fame time, that if he dare t^ report I trick'd 
 him of it, I ftall recommend a lawyer to him fhall 
 fhew him a trick for twice as much. D'ye hear ? 
 tell him that. 
 
 Mar. So, and this is the way you ufe a gentle- 
 man, and my friend? 
 
 Mir. Is the wretch thy friend ? 
 
 Mar. The wretch ! Look ye, Madam, don't call 
 names ; egad, I won't take it. 
 
 Mir. Why, you won't beat me, will you ? Ha, ha ! 
 
 Mar. I don't know whether I will or rfo. 
 
 Sir F. Sir, I fhall make a fervant ihew you out at 
 the window, if you are faucy. 
 
 Mar. 1 am your moft humble fervant, guardian; 
 I deiign to go out the fame way I came in. I would 
 only alk this lady one queftion, Don't you think he's a 
 Jine gentleman ? 
 
 Sir Fr. Who* 3 a fine gentleman ? 
 
 Mar. Notjyou, gardy, not you ! Don*t you think 
 in your foul, that Sir George Airy is a very fine 
 gentleman ? 
 
 Mir. He drefles well. 
 
 Sir Fr. Which is chiefly owing to his taylor and 
 valet de chambre. 
 
 Mar. Well! and <wbo is your drcfs owing to, baf 
 There's a Icau, Ma am Do but look at him! 
 
 Sir Fran. Sirrah ! 
 
 Mir. And if being a beau be a proof of his being 
 a fine gentleman, he may be fo. 
 
 Mar. Hemaylefo! Why, Ma'am, the judicious 
 part of the world allow him wit, courage, gallantry,
 
 44 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 ay, and ceconomy too ; though I think he forfeited 
 that character, when he flung away a hundred pounds 
 upon your dumb ladyfhip. 
 
 Sir Fr. Does that gall him ? Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Mir. So Sir George, remaining in deep difcontenr, 
 has fent you, his trufty 'fquire, to utter his com- 
 plaint ; ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Mar. Ye?, Madam ; and you, like a cruel, hard- 
 hearted Jew, value it no more than I wou'd your 
 ladyfhip, were I Sir George, you, you, you 
 
 Mir. Oh, don't call names ; I know you love to be 
 employed, and I'll. oblige you, and you fhall carry 
 him a meflage from me. 
 
 Mar. According as I like it. What is it ? 
 
 Mir, Nay, a kind one, you may be fure Firft 
 tell him, I have chofe this gentleman to have and to 
 hold, and fo forth. 
 
 [Clapping her band into Sir Francis',}. 
 
 Mar. Mud} good may do you. 
 
 Sir Fr. Oh, the dear rogue, how I doat on her ! 
 
 Mir. And advife his impertinence to trouble me no, 
 more ; for I preterSU Francis for a hulband before all 
 the fops in the univerfe. 
 
 Mar. Oh, lord, oh, lord! fhe's bewitch'd, that's 
 certain: here's a hufband for eighteen here's a t-t- 
 titfor ayoung izdy btre^s ajbabe^ an. air. and a grace 
 he re's bones rattling in a leathern bag. [Turning 
 Sir Francis about.~\ here's buckram and canvas to 
 fcrub you to repentance. 
 
 Sir Fr. Sirrah, my cane fhall teach you repentance 
 prefently. 
 
 Mar. No, faith, I have felt its twin brother from 
 juft fuch a wither'd hand too lately. 
 
 Mir. One. thing more; advife him to keep from 
 the garden-gate on the left hand ; for if he dare to 
 faunter there about the hour of eight, as he ufed to 
 do, he fhall be faluted with a piftol or a blunderbufs.. 
 
 Sir Fr. Oh, monftrous ! Why, chargy, did he 
 vie, to come to the garden-gate ?. 
 
 Mir.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 45 
 
 Mir. The gard'ner defcribed juft fuch another man 
 that always watch'd his coming out, and tain wuu'd 
 have brib'd him for his entrance Tell him he {hall 
 find a warm reception if he comes this night 
 
 Mar. Piitols and blunderbufles ! Egad, a warm 
 reception, indeed ; 1 fliall take care to inform h.m of 
 your kindnefs, and advife him to keep farther oft. 
 
 Mir. I hope he will underitand my meaning bet- 
 ter, than to follow your advice. \Ajide. 
 Sir Fr. Thou haft iign'd, feal'd, and ta'en poilei- 
 fion of my heart for ever, chargy, ha, ha, ha ! and for 
 you, Mr. Sauce-box, let me have no more of your 
 mefTages, if ever you defign to inherit your eltate, 
 gentleman. 
 
 Mar. Why there 'tis, now. Sure I mall be out of 
 your clutches one day Well, guardian, I fay no 
 more: but if you be not as arrant a cuckold, as e'er 
 drove bargain upon the Exchange, or paid attendance 
 to a court, I am the fon of a whetftone j and fo your 
 humble fervant. [jLxit. 
 
 Mir. Mr. Marplot, don't forget the meflage ; ha, 
 ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Mar. Nang, nang, nang ! [Exit. 
 Sir F. I am fo provok'd 'tis well he's gone. 
 Mir. Oh, mind him not, gardy, but let's lign ar- 
 ticles, and then 
 
 Sir F. And then Adod, I believe I am metamor- 
 phos'd ; my pulfe beats high, and my blood boils, 
 
 methinks \K-\ffi n S. an<i ^ lu && in S / Jer * 
 
 Mir. Oh fie, gardy, be not fo violent ; coniider, 
 the market lafts all the year Well ; I'll in, and fee if 
 the lawyer be come ; you'll follow ? [Exit. 
 
 Sir t\ Ay, to the world's end, my dear. Well, 
 Frank, thou art a lucky fellow in thy old age, to 
 have fuch a delicate morfel, and thirty thoufand 
 pounds, in love with thee ; 1 fhall be the envy of 
 batchelors, the glory of married men, and the won- 
 der of the town. Some guardians would be glad to 
 compound for part of the eftate, at difptching an 
 heirefs; but I engrofs the whole: O! mini praeteri- 
 tos referet fi Jupiter annos.
 
 46 THE BUSY E O D T. 
 
 SCENE changes to a tavern ; difc overs Sir George 
 and Charles, iviib -ivine be/ore tbcm^ and Whii'per 
 waiting. 
 
 Sir G. Nay, pr'ythee don't be grave, Charles : 
 misfortunes will happen. Ha, ha, ha ! 'tis feme com- 
 fort to have a companion in our fufterings. 
 
 Cb. 1 am orJy apprehenfive for Ifabind?. ; her fa- 
 ther's humour is implacable ; and how far his jea- 
 loufy may tranfport him to her undoing, Ihocks my 
 foul to think. 
 
 Sir G. But fince you efcap'd undifcoverM by hiroj 
 his rage will quickly lafh into a calm, never fear it. 
 
 Cb^ But who knows what that unlucky dog, Mar- 
 plot, told him ; nor can I imagine what brought him 
 hither; that fellow is ever doing mifchief; and yet, 
 to give him bis due, he never defigns it. This is 
 fome blundering adventure, wherein he thought to 
 Ihew his friendship, as he calls it ; a curfe en him ! 
 
 Sir G. Then you muft forgive him. What faid he ? 
 
 Ch. Said ! Nay, I had more mind to cut his throat* 
 than to hear his excufes. 
 
 SirG. Where is he? 
 
 Wlnfp. Sir, I jaw him go into Sir Francis Gripe's 
 jiift now. 
 
 Cb. Oh ! then he's upon your bufinefs, Sir George ; 
 a thoufand to one but he makes ibme miilake there, 
 too. 
 
 Sir G. Impoffible, without he huffs the lady, and 
 makes love to Sir Francis. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draw. Mr. Marplot is below, gentlemen-, and de- 
 fires to know if he may have leave to wait upon ye. 
 
 Cb. How civil the rogue is, when- he has done 
 a fault ! 
 
 Sir G. Ho ! defire him to walk up. Pr'ythee, 
 Charles, throw off this chagrin, and be good company. 
 
 Cb. Nay, hang him, I'm not angry with him : 
 Whifper, fetch roe pen, ink, and paper.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 47 
 
 Wbifp. Yes, Sir. {Exit Whifp 
 
 Enter Marplot. 
 
 CJ*. Do but mark his flieepifh look, Sir George. 
 
 Mar. Dear Charles, don't overwhelm a man al- 
 ready under infupportable affliction. I'm Cure I al- 
 ways intend to ferve my friends ; but if my malicious 
 ftars deny the happinefs, is the fault mine ? 
 
 Sir G. Never mind him, Mr. Marplot; he is eat 
 up with fpleen. But tell me, what fays Miranda ? 
 
 Mar. bays ! nay, we are all undone there, too. 
 
 Cb. I told you fo ; nothing profpers that he un- 
 dertakes. 
 
 Mar. Why, can I help her having chofe your fa- 
 ther for better for worfe? 
 
 Cb. So : there's another of fortune's ftrokes. I 
 fuppofe I {hall be edg'd out of my eftate with twins 
 every year, let who will get 'em. 
 
 Sir G, What, is the woman really poflefs'd ? 
 
 Mar. Yes, with the fpirit of contradiction: flic 
 rail'd at you moft prodigioufly. 
 
 Sir G. That's no ill fign. 
 
 Enter Whifper, with fen, ink, and paper. 
 
 Mar. You'd fay it was no good fign, if you knew 
 all. 
 
 Sir G. Why, pr'ythee ? 
 
 Mar. Hark'e, Sir George, let me warn you ; pur- 
 fue your old haunt no more ; it may be dangerous. 
 
 [Charles//* down to write. 
 
 Sir G. My old haunt! What do you mean ? 
 
 Mar. Why, in fhort, then, iince you will have 
 it, Miranda vows, if you dare approach the garden 
 gate at eight o'clock, as you us'd, yonjball meet iuit& 
 a ivarm reception. 
 
 Sir G. A ivarm reception ! 
 
 Mar. ^y, a very warm reception You fhall be fa- 
 luted with a blumlerbufs, Sir. Thefe were her very 
 words ; nay, (he bid me tell you fo, too. 
 
 Sir G. Ha ! the garden gate, at eight, as I us'd to 
 
 do!
 
 4* T.H E B u s y B o D Y. 
 
 do ! There mud be meaning in this. Is there fuch a 
 gate, Charles? 
 
 Mar. Is therefucbagatt, Charles ? 
 
 Cb. Ye?, yes it opens into the Park ; I fuppofc her 
 lad) iliip has made many a fcamper thro' it. 
 
 Sir G. It mult be an affignation, then. Ha ! my 
 heart fprings for joy ; 'tis a propitious omen. My 
 dear Marplot, let me embrace thee; thou art my 
 friend, my better angel 
 
 Mar. What do you mean, Sir George ? 
 
 Sir G. No matter what I mean. Here, take a 
 bumper to the garden gate, you dear rogue you. 
 
 Mar, You have reafon to be tranfported,SirGeorge; 
 I have fav'd your life. 
 
 Sir G. My life ! thou haft fav'd my foul, man. 
 Charles, ifthoudoft not pledge this health, may'lt 
 thou never tafte the joys of love. 
 
 Cb. Whifper, be fure you take care how you de- 
 liver this. [Gives him the letter.'} Bring me the anfwer 
 to my lodgings. 
 
 Wbifp. I warrant you, Sir. 
 
 Mar. Whither doe's that letter go t Now, dare not 
 I aflc, for my blood That fello-iu knows more facrets 
 than I do. [/Whifp. 
 
 Cb. Now I'm for you. 
 
 Sir G.' To the garden gate, at the hour of eight 
 Charles ; along, Huzza ! 
 
 Cb. I begin to conceive you. 
 
 Mar. That's more that I do, egad to the garden 
 gate, Huzza! [i)rjb.] But I hope you defign te 
 keep far enough off on't, Sir George. 
 
 Sir G. Ay, ay, never fear that"; fhe flinty, fee I 
 ctefpife her frowns ; let her ufe the blunderbufs a- 
 gainft the next fool ; me fhan't reach me with the 
 fmoak, I warrant her ; ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Mar. Ah, Charles, if you could receive a difap- 
 pointment thus en cavalier, one fhould have fome 
 comfort in being beat for you. 
 
 Cb. The fool comprehends nothing. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 4^ 
 
 Sir G. Nor would I have him. Pr'ythee take him 
 along with thee. 
 
 Cb. Enough. 
 
 Sir G. I kits both your hands And now for the 
 garden gate. 
 
 It's beauty gives the affignation there, 
 
 And love too powerful grows t'admit of fear. [Exit. 
 
 Ch. Come, you (hall go home with me. 
 
 Mar. Shall I! And are we friends, Charles? lam 
 glad of it. 
 
 Ch, Come along. [E xit Charles. 
 
 Mar. Egad, Charles' alking me to go home with 
 him, gives me a fhrevvd fulpicion there's more in the 
 garden gate than I comprehend. Faith I'll give him 
 the drop, and away to gardy's, and find it out. [Exit. 
 
 The END of the THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE, the outjide of Sir Jealous Traffick'j beitfe^ 
 Patch peeping out of the door* 
 
 Enter Whifper. 
 
 WHISPER. 
 
 HA, Mrs. Patch, this is a lucky minute, to find 
 you fo readily ; my mafter dies with impa- 
 tience. 
 
 Patch. My lady imagin'd fo ; and by her orders, I 
 have been icouting this hour in fearch of you, to in- 
 form you that Sir Jealous has invited tome hiends to 
 lupper with him to-night, which gives an opportuni- 
 ty to your matter to make ufe of his ladder oi ropes. 
 The
 
 s , THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 The clofet window fliall be open, and Ifabinda ready 
 to receive him. Bid him come immediately. 
 
 Whlfp. Excellent ! He'll not difappoint, I warrant 
 kirn. But hold, I have a letter here, which I'm to 
 carn^ an anfwer to. I can't think what language the 
 direction is. 
 
 Patch. Pho, 'tis no language, but a character 
 which th-e lovers invented, to avert difcovery. Ha! 
 I hear my old mafter coming down flairs ; it is im- 
 poffible you fhould have an anfwer ; away, and bid 
 him come hrmfelf for that. Begone, we're ruin'd if 
 you're -Teen; for he has doubled his care, fmce the 
 laft accident. 
 
 Wl.nfb. I go, I go. [Exit. 
 
 Patch. There, go tliou into my pocket. [Pitts it 
 If fine, audit faV.s Oowa'.] Now, Til up the back ftairs, 
 left I meet him. Well, a dextrous chamber-maid is 
 the ladies beft utenfil, 1 fay. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir Jealous, ivitb a letter in Ins hand. 
 Sir y. So, this is fome comfort ; this tells me, that 
 Signior Don Diego Bjbinetto is fafely arriv'd. He 
 fhall marry my daughter the minute he comes Ha, 
 ha ! what's here ? [Takes up the letter Patch drop fid.} 
 A letter ! 1 don't know what to make of the fuper- 
 fcription. I'll fee what's within fide; [opens //.] 
 hraph 'tis Hebrew, I think. What can this mean ! 
 There muft be fome trick in it ; this was certainly 
 defign'd for my daughter ; but I don't know that fhe 
 tan (peak any language but her mother tongue. No 
 matter for that ; this may be one of love's hiero- 
 glyphicks ; and I fancy 1 law Patch's tail fweep by : 
 that wench may be a flut ; and, inftead of guarding 
 my horour, betray it. I'll find it out, I'm refolv'd 
 
 * Who's there ( 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 * What anfwer did you bring from the gentlemen I 
 
 * fent you r o invite . 
 
 Serv. That they'd all wait on you, Sir, as I told 
 
 * you before ; but 1 fuppofe you forgot, Sir. 
 
 ' Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. JT 
 
 * Sir J. Did I fo, Sir ? But I (han't forget to 
 ' break your head, if any of them come, Sir. 
 
 ' Serv. Come, Sir ! Why, did not you fend me to 
 
 * defire their company, Sir ? 
 
 4 Sir J. But I fend you .now to defire their ab- 
 
 * fence. Say I have fomething extraordinary fallen 
 
 * out, which calls me abroad contrary to expectation, 
 
 * and afk their pardon ; and, d'ye hear, fend thebut- 
 
 * ler to me. 
 
 * Sery. Yes, Sir. [*//* 
 
 ' Enter Butler. 
 
 * Sir J. If this paper has a meaning, I'll find it 
 ' L?.y the cloth in my daughter's chamber, and 
 
 * bid the cook fend fuppcr thither prefently. 
 
 ' Butl. Yes, Sir. Hey-day ! what's the matter 
 4 now ? [Ex. : ft. 
 
 * Sir J. He wants the eyes of Argus, that has a 
 
 * young, handfome daughter in this 'town; but my 
 
 * comfort is, I (hall not be troubled long, with her. 
 ' He that pretends to rule a girl once in her teeny, 
 
 * had better be at fea in a norm, and would be ia 
 
 * lefs danger ; 
 
 4 For let him do or counfel all he can, 
 
 4 She thinks and dreams of nothing elfe but man. 
 
 IStut. 
 SCENE, Ifabinda'j chamber* 
 
 Ifabinda and Patch. 
 
 If. Are you fure nobody faw you fpeak to Whifper_? 
 
 'Patch. Yes, very fure, Madam; But I heard Sir 
 Jealous coming down flairs, fo clapt his letter into my 
 pocket. [Fcehfor the Utter* 
 
 If. A letter ! Give it me quickly. 
 
 Patch. Blefs me ! what's become on ? t I m fure 
 put it [SearchingJlilK 
 
 If. Is it poffible thou could'ft be fo carelefs ? Oh ! 
 I'm undone for ever, if it be loft. 
 
 Patch. I mud have dropt it upon the flairs. But 
 
 E 2 *' h y
 
 S 2 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 why are you fo much alarm'd ? If the worft happens, 
 nobody can read it, Madam, nor find out whom it 
 was defign'd for. 
 
 If. It it falls into my father's hands, the very fi- 
 gure of a letter will produce ill confequences. Run 
 and look for it upon the flairs this moment. 
 
 Patch. Nay, I'm fure it can be no where elfe 
 \_AsJhe is going out of the door, meets the butler, .] How 
 now, what do you want ? 
 
 Eutl. My matter ordered me to lay the cloth here 
 for fupper. 
 
 //". Ruin'd, part redemption [A/Me. 
 
 Pafc/j. You miitake, fure. What fhall we do? 
 If. I thought he expected company to-night Oh, 
 poor Charles ! Oh, unfortunate'lfabinda ! 
 
 Bull. I thought fo too, Madam ; but I fuppofehe 
 has alter'd his mind. [Lays the do tb, and exit. 
 
 If. The letter is the caufe. This heedlefs aftion has 
 undone me. Fly, and faflen the clofet window, which 
 will give Charlesnotice to retire. Ha ! my father ! 
 Oh, confufion ! 
 
 Enter Sir Jealous. 
 
 Sir J. Hold, hold, Patch, whither are you go- 
 ing? I'll have nobody ftir out of the room, till after 
 fupper. 
 
 Patch. Sir, I was going to reach your eafy chair 
 Oh, wretched accident ! 
 
 Sir J. I'll have nobody ftir out of the room. I 
 don't want my eafy chair. 
 
 If. What will be the event of this ! \AfMe. 
 
 Sir J. Hark ye, daughter; do you know this 
 hand ? 
 
 If. As I fufpecled Hand, do you call it, Sir ? 
 'tis fome fchool-boy's fcrawl. 
 
 Patch. Oh, invention ! thou chamber-maid's beft 
 friend, aflift me. 
 
 Sir J. Are you fure you don't underftand it ? 
 
 [Patch feels in her bofom, and fiakes her coats. 
 If. Do you underftand it, Sir ? 
 Sir J. 1 wifh 1 did.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. s $ 
 
 If. Thank Heaven you do not. \Af.Jc.~} Then I 
 know no more of it than you do, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Patch. Oh Lord ! O Lord ! what have you done; 
 Sir ? Why, the paper is mine ; I dropp'd it out of my 
 bofom. [Snatching it from oinn. 
 
 Sir J. Ha ! your's, miftrefs ? 
 
 * If. W hat does fr.e mean by owning, it ? 
 
 Patch. Yes, Sir, it is. 
 
 Sir J. What is it ? Speak. 
 
 Patch. Yes, Sir, it is a charm for the looth-ach 
 I have worn it thefe feven years ; 'twas given me by 
 an angel, for aught I know, when I was raving; 
 with the pain ; for nobody knew from whence he 
 came, nor whither he went. He charg'd me never 
 to open it, left Ibme dire vengeance befal me, and 
 Heaven knows what will be the event. Oh ! orue) 1 
 misfortune, that I fhould drop it, and you fliould. 
 open it If you had not open'd it 
 
 If. Excellent wench ! {Afide.* 
 
 Sir J. Pox of your charms and whims, forme; i 
 that be all, 'tis well enough ; there, there, burn it,, 
 and I warrant you, no vengeance will follow. 
 
 Patch. So, all's right again, thus far. \_Afi Je, 
 
 If. I would not lofe Patch for the world I'll take- 
 courage a little, \_rfjidc.~], Is this ufagefor your daugh- 
 ter, Sir ? Muft my virtue and conduct be fufpedted for* 
 every trifle ? You immure me like fome dire offender 
 here, and deny me all the recreations which my fex 
 enjoy ; and the cuftom ot the country ' and modefly*"' 
 allow ; yet, not content with that, you make my con- 
 finement more intolerable, by your miltrufts and jea- 
 loufics ; wou'd I weve dead, fo I were free from this* 
 
 Sir J\ To-morrow rids you of, this tirefome load ;. 
 Don Diego Babinetto will be here, and then my care: 
 ends, and hia begins. 
 
 If. Is he come^ then ? Oh, how (hall I avoid this 
 hated marriage ?- 
 
 Enter Servants, 
 Sir J. Come, will you fit clown
 
 THE BUSY B O D Y." 
 If. I can't eat, Sir. 
 
 vvhilft I do. 
 
 If. I have fuch a cold, I can fcarce fpeak, Sir, 
 much lefs fing. How fhall I prevent Charles coming 
 in-? \Afide. 
 
 Sir J. I hope you have the ufe of your fingers, 
 Madam. Play a tune upon your fpinnet, vvhilft your 
 woman lings me a fong. 
 
 Patch. I'm as much out of tune as my lady, if he 
 knew all. 
 
 If. lihall make excellent mufic. [Sits down to play. 
 
 Patch. Really, Sir, I am fo frighted about you 
 opening this charm, that I can't remember one fong. 
 
 Sir J. Pifh ! hang your charm ; come, come, fing 
 any thing. 
 
 Patch. Yes, I'm likely to fing, truly. [Afide^ 
 Humph, humph ; blefs me ! I cannot raife my voice, 
 my heart pants fo. 
 
 Sir J. Why, what, does your heart pant fo, that 
 you can't play, neither ? Pray, what key are you 
 in, ha? 
 
 Patch. Ah, would the key was turn'd on you, 
 once. \_-Ajide. 
 
 Sir 7- Why don't you fing, I fay ? 
 
 Patch. When Madam has put her fpinnet in tune, 
 Sir ; humph, humph - 
 
 If. I cannot play, Sir, whatever ails me. [Ri/ing. 
 
 Sir J. Zounds, fit down, and play me a tune, or 
 I'll break the fpinnet about your ears. 
 
 I/'. What will become of me ? [Sits down, and plays. 
 
 Sir J. Come, rniitrefs. [To Patch. 
 
 Patch. Yes, Sir. [Sings, but horridly out of tune* 
 
 Sir J. Hey, hey ! why, you are a-top of the houfe, 
 and you are down in the cellar. What is the meaning 
 of this ? Is it on purpofe to crofs me, ha ? 
 
 Patch Pray, Madam, take it a little lov/er, I can- 
 not reach that note Nor any note, I fear.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 55 
 
 If, Well, begin Oh, Patch ! we fhall be dif- 
 
 cover'd. 
 
 Patch. I fink with apprehenlion, Madam Humph, 
 humph [Sings.] [Charles opens the clofet door t 
 
 Cba. Mufic and finging ! 
 
 'Tis thus the bright celeftial court above, 
 Beguiles the hours with mufic and with love. 
 
 Death! her father there ! {The ^uomenjhriek.'] then I 
 muft fly [Exit Into the clofet.] [Sir Jealous rifes up 
 baftijy, feeing Charles^^ back into the clofat. 
 
 Sir J. Hell and furies, a man in the clofet ! - - 
 
 Patch. Ah! a ghoft, a ghoft ! he muft not enter 
 the clofet [Ifabinda throws herfdf down before the 
 clofet door, as in a fkvoon. 
 
 'Sir 7. Thedevil! I'll make a ghoft of him, I war- 
 rant you. [Strives to get by. 
 
 Patch. Oh, hold, Sir, have a care ; you'll tread 
 upon my lady Who waits there ? Bring fome water. 
 Oh ! this comes of your opening the charm. Oh, 
 oh, oh, oh ! [Weeps aloud. 
 
 Sir J. I'll charm you, houfewife. Here lies the 
 charm that conjur'd this fellow in, I'm lure on't. 
 Come out, you rafcal, do fo. Zounds ! take her from 
 the door, or I'll fpurn her from it, and break your 
 neck down ftairs. 
 
 If. He's gone ; I heard him leap down. 
 
 \Jfide to Patch. 
 
 Patch. Nay, then, let h'mi enter * Here, here, 
 ' Madam, fmell to this ; come, give me your hand ; 
 ' come nearer to the window ; the air will do you 
 * good. 
 
 Sir J. I wou'd flie were in her grave. Where are 
 youjfirrah'? Villain! robber of my honour ! Ill pull 
 you out of your neft. . [Goes into the clofet. 
 
 ^ Patch. You'll be miftaken, old gentleman ; the 
 bird is flown. 
 
 If. I'm glad I have 'fcap'd fo well. I was almoft 
 dead in earneft, with the fright. 
 
 Re-enter
 
 56 THE BUSY BOD Y. 
 
 Re-enter Sir Jealous out of the clofet. 
 Sir J. Whoever the dog were, he has efcap'd out 
 of the window ; tor the f'afh is up. But tho' he is, 
 
 got out of my reach, you are not. And firil, Mrs. 
 Pandar, with your charms for the tooth-ach, get out 
 of my houfe, go, troop ; yet hold, flay, 1*11 lee you 
 
 out of my doors myfelf ; but I'll fecure your charge, 
 ere f go. 
 
 Ij\ What do you mean, Sir ? Was fhe not a crea- 
 ture of your own providing ? 
 
 Sir y. She was of the devil's providing, for aught 
 I know. 
 
 Patch. What have I done, Sir, to merit your dif- 
 pleafure ? 
 
 Sir J. I don't know which of you have done it ; 
 but you fhall both fufter for it, 'till I can difcovert 
 whole guilt it is. Go, get in rhere ; 111 move you 
 from this fide of the houfe \Pufies Ifabinda in at the 
 door, and locks it, puts the key in bis pocket.] I'll keep 
 the key myfelf ; I'll try what gholt will get into that 
 room. And now, forfooth, I'll wait on you down 
 flairs. 
 
 Patch. Ah, my poor lady Down flairs, Sir ! But- 
 
 1 won't go out, Sir, till I have lock'd up my cloaths. 
 
 Sir J. If thou wert as naked as thou wert born,. 
 
 thou fhould'ft not flay to put on a Imock. Come 
 
 along, I fay. When your miftrefs is marry 'd, you 
 
 fhall have your rags, and every thing that belongs to 
 
 you, but till then - [Exit, pulling her out* 
 
 Patch. Oh, barbarous ufage, for nothing.! 
 
 Re-enter, at the lower end. 
 
 Sir J. There, go, and come no more within fight 
 of my habitation thefe three days, I charge you. 
 
 \_Slaps the. door after her, 
 Patch. Did ever any body lee fuch an old monfter ?. 
 
 Enter Charles. 
 
 Patch. Oh! Mr. Charles, your affairs and mine, 
 are in aji ill poflure t 
 
 Ch,.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 57 
 
 Ch. I am inur'd to the frowns of fortune ; but what 
 has befall'n thee ? 
 
 Patch. Sir Jealous, whofe fufpicious nature is al- 
 ways on the watch ; nay, even while one eye fleeps, 
 the other keeps centinel ; upon fight of you, flew in- 
 to fuch a violent paffion, that I cou'd find no ftrata- 
 gem to appeafe him ; but, in fpite of all arguments, 
 lock'd his daughter into his own apartment, and 
 turn'd me out of doors. 
 
 Cb. Ha ! Oh, Ifabinda ! 
 
 Patch. And fwears fhe (hall fee neither fun nor 
 moon, till (he is Don Diego Babinetto's wife, who 
 arrived laft night, and is expected with impatience. 
 
 Ch. He dies ! Yc?, by all the wrongs of love, he 
 fliall ! Here will I plant myfelf, and through my 
 breaft he (hall make his paiTage, if he enters. 
 
 Patch. A moft heroic refolution ! There might be 
 ways found out more to your advantage. Policy is 
 often preferr'd to open force. 
 
 Ch. I apprehend you not. 
 
 Patch. What think you of perfonating this Spaniard, 
 impofing upon the father, and marrying your miilrefs 
 by his own confent ? 
 
 Ch. Say'ft thou fo, my angel ! Oh, cou'd that be 
 done, my life to come wou'd be too fliort to recom- 
 penfe thee : but how can I do that, when I neither 
 know what (hip he came in, nor from what part of 
 Spain ; who recommends him, or how attended. 
 
 Patch. I can foive all this. He is from Madrid, 
 his father's name Don Pedro Quefto Portenco Babi- 
 netto. Here's a letter of his to Sir Jealous, which 
 he dropt one day. You underftand Spanifli, and the 
 hand may be counterfeited. You conceive me, Sir ? 
 
 Cb. My better genius ! thou haft reviv'd my droop- 
 ing foul : I'll about it inftantly. Come to my lodg- 
 ings, and we'll concert matters. [Extunt. 
 
 SCENE
 
 58 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 SCENE, a garden gate, open, Scentwell waiting 
 
 iu it bin. 
 
 Enter Sir George Airy. 
 
 Sir G, So, this is the gate, and moil invitingly 
 open. If there (hould be a blunderbufs here, now, 
 what a dreadful^dmy would my fall make for fools ; 
 and what a jeft for the wits ! How my name would 
 be roar'd about the ftreets : Well, I'll venture all. 
 
 Scentw. Hift, hift! Sir George Airy [Enters. 
 
 Sir G. A female voice ! Thus far I'm fafe. My 
 dear. 
 
 Scent-tv. No, I'm not your dear; but I'll conduft 
 you to her. Give me yur hand ; you muft go thro* 
 many a dark paffage, and dirty ftep, before you ar- 
 rive 
 
 Sir G. I know I muft, before I arrive at Paradife ; 
 therefore be quick, my charming guide. 
 
 Sccntw. For aught you know ; come, come, your 
 hand, and away. 
 
 Sir G. Here, here, child ; you can't be half f 
 fwitt as my defires. \Excunt 
 
 SCENE, the loufe. 
 
 Enter Miranda. 
 
 Mir. Well, let me reafon a little with my mad felf. 
 Now, don't I tranfgrefs all rules, to venture upon a 
 man, without the advice of the grave and wife ? 
 But then, a rigid, knavifh guardian, who would have 
 
 marry'd me to whom ? even to his naufeous felf, or 
 
 nobody. Sir George is what I have try'd in conver- 
 fation, inquir'd into his character, and am fatisfied 
 in both. Then, his love ! Who would have given a 
 hundred pounds only to have feen a woman he had 
 not infinitely lov'd ? So I find my liking him has fur- 
 nifh'd me with arguments enough of his iiiie ; and 
 
 now,
 
 THE BUSY BODY. $<y 
 
 r>ow, the only doubt remains, whether he will come 
 or no. 
 
 Enter Scentwell and Sir George. 
 
 Scent. That's refolv'd, Madam, for here's the 
 knight. [Exit Scentwell. 
 
 Sir G. And do I once more behold that lovely ob- 
 ject, whofe idea fills my mind, and forms my pleafing 
 dreams ! 
 
 Mi>-. What! beginning again in heroics! Sir 
 
 George, don't you remember how little fruit your 
 laft prodigal oration produc'd? Not one bare fmgle 
 word in anfwer. 
 
 Sir G. Ha ! the voice of my incognita ! Why 
 
 did you take ten thoufand ways to captivate a heart 
 your eyes alone hadvanquifh'd ? 
 
 Mir. ' IVythee,' no more of thefe flights ; ' for 
 * our time's but fhort, and we muft fall to butinefs.' 
 Do you think we can agree on that fame terrible bug- 
 bear, matrimony, without heartily repenting on both 
 fides ? 
 
 Sir G. It has been my wifli fince firft my longing 
 eyes beheld you. 
 
 4 Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleafing 
 news, I had thirty thoufand pounds. 
 
 4 Sir G. Unkind ! Did I not offer you in thofe 
 
 purchas'd minutes to run the rifle of your fortune, 
 
 fo you wou'd but fecure that lovely perfon to my 
 
 arms ? 
 
 * Mir. Well, if you have fuch love and tender- 
 
 nefs, fince our wooing has been fhort, pray referve 
 
 it for our future days, to let the world fee we are 
 
 lovers after wedlock ; 'twill be a novelty. 
 
 Sir G. Halle, then, and let us tie the knot, and 
 prove the envy'd pair 
 
 Mir. Hold ! not fo fail ! I have provided better 
 than to venture on dangerous experiments headlong 
 My guardian, trailing to my diflembled love, has 
 g'tren up my fortune to my own difpofal ; but with 
 
 this
 
 60 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 this provifo, that he to-morrow morning weds me. 
 He is now gone to Doctors Commons for a licence. 
 
 Sir G. Ha ! a licence ! 
 
 Mir. But I have planted emnTaries that infallibly 
 take him down to Epfom. under a pretence that a bro- 
 ther ufurer of his is to make him his executor, the 
 thing on earth he covets. 
 
 Sir G. 'Tis his known character. 
 
 Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this man 
 is dying, and he fends me word he goes this minute. 
 It muft be to-mornow e'er he can be undeceiv'd. That 
 time is ours. 
 
 Sir G. Let us improve it, then, and fettle on our 
 coining years, endlefs, endlefs happinefs. 
 
 Mir. I dare not fHr till I hear he's on the rqad 
 then I, and my writings, the molt material point, are 
 foon remov'd. 
 
 Sir G. I have one favour to afk : if it lies in your 
 power, you vvou'd be a friend to poor Charles ; tho* 
 the fon of this tenacious man, he is as free from all 
 his vices as nature and a good education "can make 
 him ; and what now I have vanity enough to hope 
 will induce you, he is the man on earth I love. 
 
 Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it on as 
 it help'd my defigns on his father. It his uncle's 
 eftate ought to be in hispofiellion, which I ihrewdly 
 iufpet, I may do him a lingular piece of fervice. 
 
 Sir G. You are all goodnefs. 
 
 Enter Scentwell. 
 
 Scent. Oh, Madam, my m after and Mr. Marplot 
 are juft coming into the houfe. 
 
 Mir. Undone, undone ! If he finds you he- in 
 this crifis, all my plots are unravel'd. 
 
 Sir Gco. What fl.all I do ? Can't I get back into the 
 garden ? 
 
 Scent. Oh, no ! he comes up thofe flairs. 
 Mir. Here, here, here ! Can you condefcer.d to 
 ftand behind this chimney -board, Sir George ? 
 
 Sir 
 4
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 6r 
 
 Sir G. Any where, any where, dear Madam, with- 
 out ceremony. 
 
 Scent. Come, come, Sir ; lieclofe 
 
 [They put him behind the chimney-board. 
 
 Enter Sir Francis and Marplot ; Sir Francis peeling an. 
 orange. 
 
 Sir F. I cou'd not go, though 'tis upon life and 
 death, without taking leave of dear chargy. Be- 
 fides this fellow buzz'd into my ears, that thou raight'ft 
 be fo defperate as to fhoot that wild rake which haunt* 
 the garden-gate ; and that would bring us into trou- 
 ble, dear 
 
 Mir. So, Marplot brought you back, then ? 
 
 Mar. Tes, I brought him back. 
 
 Mir. I'm oblig'd to him for that, I'm fure. 
 
 \Frowning at Marplot afi&e. 
 
 Mar. By her looks (he's means (he's not oblig'd to 
 me. I have done fome mifchief now ; but what, I 
 can't imagine. 
 
 Sir F. Well, chargy, I have had three meflengers 
 to come to Epfom to my neighbour Squeezum's, who 
 for all his vait riches, is departing. [Sighs* 
 
 Mar. Ay, fee what all you ufurers muft come to. 
 
 Sir F. Peace, you young knave ! Some forty years 
 hence I may think on't But, chargy, I'll be with 
 thee to-morrow, before thofe pretty eyes are open ; 
 I will, I will, chargy, I'll route you, i'faith Here, 
 Mrs. Scentwell, lift up your lady's chimney-board, 
 that I may throw my peel in, and not litter her 
 chamber. 
 
 Mr. Oh, my ftars ! what will become of us now ? 
 
 Seen "Oh, pray, Sir give it me ; I love it above 
 all things in nature ; indeed I do. 
 
 Sir F. No, no, hufly ; you have the green-pip al- 
 ready, I'll have no apothecary's bills. 
 
 [Goes toivarJs the chimney, 
 
 Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear guardy, I have a, a, 
 
 a, a, a, monkey, fhut up there; and if you_ open it 
 
 before the man comes that is to tame it, 'tis fo wild 
 
 1<~ 'twill
 
 T H E B U S Y B O D Y v 
 
 break all my chin?, or get away, and that 
 would break my heart ; for I'm fond on't to diftrac- 
 tion, next thee, dear gardy. [In a flattering tone. 
 
 Sir F. Well, well, chargy, I won't open it ; fhe 
 ihall have her monkey, poor rogue. Here, throw this 
 ptel out of the window. [Exit. Scentwell. 
 
 Mar. A monkey ! Dear Madam let me fee it ; I 
 can tame a monkey as well as the beft of them all. 
 Oh ! how I love the little miniatures of man ! 
 
 Mir. Be quiet, mlfchief, and tfand farther from the 
 
 chimney You fhall not fee my monkey why 
 
 lure 1 [Striving <~vitb him* 
 
 Mar. For HeavVs fake, dear Madam, let me but 
 peep, to fee if it be as pretty as my lady Fiddle Fad- 
 die's. Has it got a chain ? 
 
 Mir. Not yet ; but I defign it one mall laft its 
 
 Hfetimc.5 Nay, you (hail not lee it Look, gardy, 
 
 how he teazes me ! 
 
 Sir F. [Getting lict-iuffn bun and the chimney "] Sir- 
 rah, firrkh, let my chargy's monkey alone, or bamboo 
 ihall fly about your ears. What ! is there no dealing 
 with you ? 
 
 Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey ! Here's a rout ! 
 I wiili he may rival you. 
 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Serv. Sir, they have put two more horfes to the 
 coach, as you order'd, and 'tis ready at the door. 
 
 Sir F. Well, I am going to be executor ; better 
 for thee, jewel. B'ye chargy, one bufs ! I'm glad 
 thou haft gota monkey to divert thee a little. 
 
 Mir. Thank'e, dear guardy Nay, I'll fee you 
 
 to the coach. 
 
 SirF. That's kind. adod. 
 
 Mir. Come along, impertinence. [To Marplot. 
 Mir. [Stepph/i* back.'} Egad, I will fee the mon- 
 key now. [Lifts up the Board, and dlfcovers Sir 
 George.] O Lord, O Lord ! Thieves ! Thieves ! 
 Murder ! 
 
 Sir G. Dam'ye, you unlucky dog ! 'tis I. Which 
 way fhall I get out? Shew me inftantly, or I'll cut 
 vour throat. 
 
 Mar.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 63 
 
 Mar. Undone, undone. ! At that door there. * But 
 * hold, hold, break that china, and' I'll bring you 
 off. 
 [He runs off at the corner, and throws down fame cbiti* 
 
 Re-enter Sir Francis, Miranda, and Scentwell. 
 
 Sir F. Mercy on me ! what's the matter ? 
 
 Mir. O you toad ! what have you done ? 
 
 Mar. No great harm ; I beg of you to forgive me, 
 Longing to lee the monkey, I did but juft raife up 
 the board, and it flew over my flioulders, fcratch'd all 
 my face, broke yon china, and whilk'doutofthewm* 
 dow. 
 
 S'ir F. WT>ere, <vjhere is :t,Jirrab ? 
 
 Mar. There, there. Sir Francis, uponyour neighbour 
 Parmazan's pantiles. 
 
 Sir F. Was ever fuch an unlucky rogue ! Sirrah, 
 I forbid you my houfe. Call the fervants to get the 
 monkey again. Pug, fugifug* I wou'd flay inyfelf 
 to look it, but that you know my earneft bufinefs. 
 
 Scent. Oh, my lady will be beft to lure it back : 
 all them creatures love my lady extremely. 
 
 Mir. Go, go, dear guardy, I hope I fhall recover 
 it. 
 
 Sir F. B'ye, b'ye, dearee. Ah, mifchief ! how 
 you look now ! b'ye, b'ye. [Exit. 
 
 Mir. Scentwell, fee him in the coach, and bring 
 me word. 
 
 Scent. Yes, Madam. [Exit. 
 
 Mir. So, Sir, you have done your friend a fignal 
 piece of fervice, I fuppofe. 
 
 Mar. Why, look you, Madam, if I have commit- 
 ed a fault thank yourlelf ; no man is more ferviceable 
 when I am let into a fecret, and none more unlucky 
 at finding it out. Whocou'd divine your meaning ; 
 when youtalk'd of a blunderbufs, who thought or a 
 rendezvous ; and when you talk'd of a monkey, who 
 the devil dreamt of Sir George? 
 
 Mir. A fign you converfe but little with our fex, 
 when you can't reconcile contradictions. 
 
 F 2 Enter
 
 6f THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Enter Scentwell. 
 
 Scent. He's gone, Madam, as fail at the coach and 
 fix can carry him 
 
 Enter Sir George. 
 
 Sir G. Then I may appear. 
 
 Mar. Here's pug, Ma'am Dene Sir George, make 
 my peace'! On my foul, I never tookyon for a monkey 
 before. 
 
 Sir G. I dare (Wear thou didft not. Madam, I beg 
 you to forgive him. 
 
 Mr. Well, Sir George, if he can be fecret. 
 
 Mar. Od's heart, Madam, I'm- as fecret as a prieft, 
 when I'm trufted. 
 
 SirG. Why 'tis with a prieft our bufinefs is, at 
 prefent. 
 
 Scent. Madam, here's Mrs. Ifabinda's woman to 
 wait on you. 
 
 Mir. Bring her up. 
 
 Enter Patch. 
 
 How do ye, Mrs. Patch ? What news from your 
 ^lady ? 
 
 Patch. That's for your private ear, Madam. Sir 
 George, there's a friend of yours has an urgent occa- 
 iion for your affiftance. 
 
 Sir G. His Name ? 
 
 Patch. Charles. 
 
 Mar. Ha ! then there's fomething afoot that I 
 know nothing off. I'll wait on you, Sir George. 
 
 Sir G. A third perfon may not be proper, perhap?. 
 As foon as I have difpatched my own affairs, I am at 
 his fervice ; I'll fend my fervant to tell him I'll wait 
 on him in half an hour. 
 
 Mir. How came you employed in this meflage, 
 Mrs. Patch ? 
 
 Patch. Want of bufinefs, Madam; I am difcharg'ci 
 by my matter, but hope to ferve my lady ftill. 
 
 Mr.
 
 THE BUSY BOD Y. 63 
 
 Mir. How ! difeharg'd ! You muft tell me the 
 whole ftory within. 
 
 Patch. With all my heart, Madam. 
 
 Mar. fillit here, Mrs. Patch. Pith! Pox, I wiflx 
 I were fairly out of the houie. I find marriage is the 
 end or" this fecret ; and now I am halt" mad to know 
 tvhat Charles want's him for. \AJidt. 
 
 Sir G. Madam. I'm doubly prefs'd by love and 
 friendfhip : this exigence admits of no delay; (hall 
 we make Marplot or the party ? 
 
 Mir. If you'll run the hazard, Sir George ; I 
 believe he means well. 
 
 Mar. Nay, nay, for my part, I dcfire to be let into 
 nothing; I'll begone, therefore pray don't miilruft 
 inc. [Going. 
 
 Sir G. So, now he has a mind to be gone to 
 Charles : * But not knowing what a flairs he may have 
 ' upon his hands at prefent,' I'm relblv'd he flian't 
 flir. No, Mr. Marplot, you mull not leave us, we 
 want a third pcrfon. [Takes held of him, 
 
 Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in my 
 life. 
 
 Mir. Come along then ; if we fail in the voyage, 
 thank yourfelf for taking this ill-ibrr'd gentleman 
 onboard. 
 
 Sir G. That vefli-1 ne'er can unfuccefsful prove, 
 
 Whofe freight is beauty, and whole pilot's 
 love. [Exit Sir George and Mir 
 
 Mar. Tyty ti t tyty ti. [Steals off the other way. 
 
 Re-enter Sir George. 
 
 Sir G. Marplot ! Marplot .' 
 
 Mar. [Entering.] Here ! I was coming, Sir George^ 
 Lore* ! cant you let one tie up on '$ garter. [Exeunt. 
 
 END of the FOURTH ACT. 
 
 F 3 ACT
 
 66 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 ACT V. 
 
 Enter Miranda, Patch, and Scentwtll. 
 
 MIRANDA. 
 
 WELL, Patch, I have done a ftrange bold thing ; 
 my fate is determin'd, and expectation is no 
 more. Now to avoid the impertinence and roguery 
 of an old man, I have thrown myieir into the extra'- 
 vagance of a young one; if he fhould defpife, fligh-t, 
 or ufe me ill, there's no remedy from a hulband but 
 the grave ; and that's a terrible fanduary to one of" 
 my age and con dilution. 
 
 Patch. O ! fear not, Madam, you'll find your ac- 
 count in Sir George Airy ; it is impoflible a man of 
 ienfe fhould ufe a woman ill, endued with beauty, 
 wit, and fortune. It muft be the lady's fault if fhe 
 does not wear the unfafhionable name of wife eafy, 
 xvhen nothing but complaifance and good hnmour is 
 requifite on either fide to make them happy. 
 
 Mir. I long till I am out of this houie, left any 
 accident fnr-ki bring my guardian back. Scentwell, 
 put my beU jewels into the little cafket, Hip them 
 into thy pocket, and let us march off to Sir Jealous's. 
 
 Scent, It fhall be done, Madam. [Exit Scent. 
 
 Patch. Sir George will be impatient, Madam. If 
 their plot fucceeds, we fhall be well receiv'd; if not, 
 he will be able to protect us. Befides, I long to know 
 how my young lady fares. 
 
 Mir. Farevvel, old Mammon, and thy detefled walk! 
 'Twill be no more, fweet Sir Francis ; I fhall be com- 
 pell'd to the odious talk of difiembling no longer to 
 get my own, and coax him with the wheedling names 
 of my precious, my dear, dear gardy. O Heav'ns ! 
 
 Enter
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 67 
 
 Enter Sir Francis lebind. 
 
 S\rF. Ah, my fvveet chargy, don't be frighted ! 
 [Shcjiarts.~] But thy poor gardy has been abus'd, 
 cheated, fool'd, betray'd. But nobody knows by 
 vrhom. 
 
 Mir. Undone, paft redemption ! \_AJtJe. 
 
 SirF. What ! won't you (peak to me, chargy ? 
 
 Mir. lamfofurpriz'd with joy to fee you, I know 
 not what to fay. 
 
 Sir F. Poor dear girl ! But do ye know that my 
 fon, or fome fuch rogue, to rob or murder me, or 
 both, contriv'd this journey? For upon the road I 
 met my neighbour Squeezum, well, 'and coming to 
 town. 
 
 Mir. Good lack ! good lack ! what tricks are there 
 in this world ! 
 
 Enter Scentwell, ivitb a diamond necklace in her hand, 
 not feeing Sir Francis. 
 
 Scent. Madam, be pleas'd to tie this necklace on, 
 for [ can't get into the [Seeiyg Sir Fran, 
 
 Mir. The wench is a fool, I think \ Could you 
 not have carried it to be mended, without putting it 
 in the box ? 
 
 Sir F. What's the matter ? 
 
 Mir. Only, dearee, I bid her, I bid her Your ill 
 ufage has put every thing out of my head. But 
 won't you go, gardy, and find out thefe fellows, and 
 have them punilhed ? and, and 
 
 Sir F. Where fhould I look for them, child ? No, 
 I'll fit me down contented with my fafety, nor ftir 
 Ot of m.y own doors, till I go with thee to a parfon. 
 
 Mir. [A/ide.~\ If he goes into his clofet, I am 
 ruin'd. Oh ! blefs me, in this fright, I had forgot 
 Mrs. Patch. 
 
 Patch. Ay, Madam, and I ftay for your fpcedy 
 anfwer. 
 
 Mir. [4/iJe.] I muft get him out of the houfe. 
 Now afiiil me, Fortune. 
 
 Sir
 
 68 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Sir Fran. Mrs. Patch ! I profefs I did not fee you : 
 How doft thou do, Mrs. Patch ? Well, don't you 
 repent leaving my chargy. 
 
 Patch. Yes, every body muft love her but I come 
 now Madam, what did I come for? My in- 
 vention is at the laft ebb. \.-^fe^ e to Miranda. 
 
 SirFr. Nay, never whil'per, tell me. 
 
 Mir. She came, dear gardy, to invite me to her 
 lady's wedding, and you fhall go with me, gardy ; 'tis 
 to be done this moment, to a Spnnifh. merchant. Old 
 Sir Jealous keeps on his humour ; the firit minute he 
 fees her, the next he marries her. 
 
 Sir Fr. Ha, ha, ha ! I'd go, if I thought the fight 
 of matrimony wou'd tempt chargy to perform her 
 promiie. There was a fmile, there was a contenting 
 look with thole pretty twinklers, worth a million. 
 Ods-precious, 1 am happier than the great Mogul, 
 the emperor of China, or all the potentates that are 
 not in wars. Speak, confirm it, make me leap out 
 of my Ikin. 
 
 Mi ran. When one has refolved, 'tis in vain to Hand, 
 fhill I, fhall I; if ever I marry, poiuively this is my 
 wedding day. 
 
 Sir Fr. Oh ! happy, happy man -Verily, 
 
 I will beget a fon the firlt night fhall difinheril that 
 dog, Charles. I have eftate enough to purchafe a 
 barony, and be the immortalizing the w r hole family 
 of the Gripes. 
 
 Mir. Come then, gardy, give me thy hand, lets 
 to this houfe of Hymen. 
 
 My choice is fix'd, let good or ill betide. 
 
 Sir Fr. The joyful bridegroom I, 
 
 Mir* And I the happy bride. [Exeunt, 
 
 Enter Sir Jealous, meeting a Servant. 
 
 Serv. Sir, here's a couple of gentlemen enquire 
 for you : one of them calls himielf Signior Diego 
 Babinetto. 
 
 Sir J. Ha ! Signior Babinetto ! Admit 'em in- 
 
 flantly Joyful minute j I'll have my daughter 
 
 marry'd to-night. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE BUSYBODY. 69 
 
 Enter Charles in a Spanifli Hallt, with Sir George 
 
 drejjed like a Merchant. 
 
 Sir J. Senhor, befo las manos vueftra merced es 
 muy bien venido en efta tierra. 
 
 Ch. Senhor, foy muy humilde, y mtiy obligndo 
 cryado de vueftra merced : mi padre' embia a vueftra 
 merced, los mas profondos de fus refpetos ; y a com- 
 miffionado efte mercadel ingles, de concluyr un ne- 
 gocio, que me haze el mas dichofs hombre del mtindo, 
 haziendo me fu yerno. 
 
 Sir J. I am glad on't, for I find I have loft much 
 of my Spanifh. Sir, I am your moft humble fer- 
 T'ant. Signior Don Diego Babinetto has informed me 
 that you are commiffionedby Signior Don Pedro, &c. 
 his worthy father 
 
 Sir Geo. To fee an affair of marriage confummated, 
 between a daughter of yours and Signior Diego Babi- 
 netto his fon here. True, Sir, fuch a truft is repos'd 
 in me, as that letter will inform you. I hope 'twill 
 pafs upon him. \_dfiJc.'] [Gives him a letter* 
 
 Sir y. Ay, 'tis his hand. [Seems to read. 
 
 Sir Gco. Good, you have counterfeited to a nicety, 
 Charles. [A/Me to Charles. 
 
 Cba. If the whole plot fucceeds as well, I'm happy. 
 Sir y. Sir, I find by this, that you are a man of 
 honour and probity ; I think, Sir, he calls you Mean- 
 well. 
 
 Sir Gco. Meanwell is my name, Sir. 
 Sir J. A very good name, and very fignificant. 
 Cb. Yes, faith, if he knew all. [ASJe. 
 
 Sir y. For to mean well is to be honeft, and to be 
 honeft is the virtue of a friend, and a friend is the 
 delight andfupportof human fociety. 
 
 Sir Geo. You fliall find that I'll difcharge the part 
 
 of a friend in what I have undertaken, Sir Jealous. 
 
 Char. But little does he think to whom. [Afide. 
 
 Sir Geo. Therefore, Sir, I muft intreat the pre- 
 
 fence of your fair daughter, and the afliftance of your 
 
 chaplain ; for Signior Don Pedro ftriftly enjoined me 
 
 to fee the marriage rites performed as foon as wr 
 
 fhould
 
 7,o THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 fhould arrive, to avoid the accidental overtures of 
 Venus. 
 
 Sir jf. Overtures of Venus ! 
 
 SirGeo. Ay, Sir; that is, thofe little hawking fe- 
 males that traverfe the park and the play-houfe, to 
 put oft" their damag'd ware They fatten upon fo- 
 reigners like leeches, and watch their arrival as cave- 
 fully as the Kentifli men do a ihipwreck. I warrant 
 you they have heard of him already. 
 
 Sir J. Nay, I know this town fwarms with them. 
 
 Sir Gco. Ay, and then you know the Spaniards are 
 naturally amorous, but very conflant ; the firft face 
 fixes 'ern ; and it may be very dangerous to let him 
 ramble e'er he is tied. 
 
 Cba. Well hinted. 
 
 Sir J. Pat to my purpofe Well, Sir, there is but 
 one thing more, and they {hall be married inftantly . 
 
 Cba. Pray heaven that one thing more don't fpoil 
 all. m {Afidc. 
 
 Siry. Don Pedro writ me word, in his la ft but 
 one, that he defigned the fum of five thoufand crowns 
 by way of jointure for my daughter; and that it 
 fhould be paid into my hand upon the day of mar- 
 riage 
 
 Cba. Oh ! the devil. [dJtJe. 
 
 Sir J. In order to lodge it in feme of our funds, 
 in cafe {he mould become a widow, and return for 
 England , 
 
 Sir Geo. Pox on't, this is an unlucky turn. What 
 fcall I fay ? [4fiJe. 
 
 Sir J, And he does not mention one word of it in 
 this letter. 
 
 Cba. I don't know how he fliould. \ARdt* 
 
 Sir Gco. Humph ! True, Sir Jealous, he told me 
 fuch a thing, but, but, but, but he, he, he, he 
 he did not imagine that you would infift upon the 
 very day ; for, tor, for, for money, you know, is 
 dangerous returning by fea, an, an, an, an 
 
 Cba. Zounds, fay we have brought it in commodi- 
 ties. [AJide to Sir George. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 71 
 
 Sir Geo. And fo, Sir, he has fent it in merchan- 
 dize, tobacco, fugars, fpices, lemons, and fo forth, 
 which mail be turn'd into money with all expedition : 
 in the mean time, Sir, if you pleafe to accept of my 
 bend for performance 
 
 Sir y. It is enough, Sir; I am fo pleas'd with the 
 countenance of Signior Diego, and the harmony of 
 your name, that I'll take your word, and will fetch 
 my daughter this moment. Within there ! [Knter 
 Servant.] defire Mr. Tackum, my neighbour's chap- 
 lain, to walk hither. 
 
 Serv. Yes, Sir. [Exit. 
 
 Sir jf. Gentlemen, I'll return in an inftant. [Exit. 
 
 Cba. Wond'rous well, let me embrace thee. 
 
 Sir Geo. Egad, that five thoufand crowns had like 
 to have ruined the plot. 
 
 Cba. But that's over ! And if Fortune throws no 
 more rubs in our way 
 
 Sir Geo. Thou'lt carry the prize But hilt, here 
 
 he comes. 
 
 Enter Sir Jealous, dragging in Ifabinda. 
 
 Sir y. Come along, you flubborn baggage you, 
 come along. 
 
 Ifab. Oh, hear me, Sir ! hear me but fpeak one 
 
 word ; 
 
 Do not deflroy my everlafting peace: 
 My foul abhors this Spaniard you have chofe, 
 * Nor can I wed him without being curlt.' 
 
 Sir y. How's that ! 
 
 Ifab, Let this pofture move your tender nature. 
 
 [Kncch. 
 
 For ever will I hang upon thefe knees, 
 Nor loofe my hands till you cut oft" my hold, 
 If you refuie to hear me, Sir. 
 
 Cba. Oh ! that I cou'd difcover myfelf to her ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Have a care what you do, You had 
 trufl to his obftinacy. [^f 
 
 Sir
 
 72 THEBUSYBODY. 
 
 Sir J. Did you ever fee fuch a perverfe flut ? Off, I 
 fay ; Mr. Meanwell, pray help me a little. 
 
 Sir Geo. Rile, Madam, and do not difoblige your 
 father, who has provided a hufband worthy of you, 
 one that will love you equal with his foul, and one 
 that you will love, when once you know him. 
 
 If. Oh ! never, never. 
 Could I fufped that falfhood in my heart, 
 I would this moment tear it from "my brealr, 
 And ftreight prefent him with the treacherous part. 
 
 * C/ja. Oh! my charming faithful dear. [Afidc. 
 
 Sir y. Falmood ! Why, who the devil are you in 
 love with ? Don't provoke me, for by St. lago I {hall 
 beat you, houfewife; 
 
 Cba. Heaven forbid ! for I fiiall infallibly difcover 
 myfelf if he {hould. ^ 
 
 Sir Gco. Have patience, Madam ! and look at him : 
 Why will ye prepoflefs yourfelf againrt a man that is 
 mailer of all the charms you would defire in a huf- 
 band ? 
 
 Sir J. Ay, look at him, Ifabinda. Senhor pafe 
 vind adelante. 
 
 4 Cba.. My heart bleeds to fee her grieve, whom 
 4 I imagined would with joy receive me. Senkora 
 ' obl'gueme vueftra merced de fa mano.' 
 
 Sir J. [Pulling up her bead.'] Hold up your head, 
 hold up your head, huffy, and look at him. Is there 
 a properer, handlbmer, better fnaped fellow in Eng- 
 land, ye jade you ? Ha ! fee, fee the obftmate bag- 
 gage (huts her eyes ; by St. lago, I have a good mind 
 to beat 'em out. \PuftefLcr down. 
 
 If. Do, then, Sir, kill me, kill me inilantly. 
 'Tis much the kinder a&ion of the two ; 
 For 'twill be worfe than death to wed him. 
 
 Sir Geo. Sir Jealous, you aretoopaflionate. Give 
 me leave, I'll try, by gentle words r to work her to 
 your purpofe. 
 
 Sir J. I pray do, Mr. Meanwell, I praj^ do ; 
 
 {he'll break my heart. [Jf-'ccps.'] There is in that, jewels 
 
 of the value of three thoufand pounds, which wens 
 
 a her
 
 THE BUSY B.ODY. 73 
 
 her mother's, and a paper wherein I have fettled one 
 half of my eftate upon her now, and the whole 
 when I die ; but provided fhe marries this gentle- 
 man ; elfe by St. lago, I'll turn her out of doors to 
 beg or ftarve. Tell her this, Mr. Meanwell, pray 
 do^ \W'alks off. 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha ! this is beyond expectation Truft 
 to me, Sir, I'll lay the dangerous conlequence of dif- 
 obeying you at this juncture before her, I warrant 
 you. 
 
 ' Cba. A fudden joy runs through my heart like a 
 4 propitious omen. \Aftde? 
 
 Sir Geo. Come, Madam, do not blindly cart your 
 life away, juft in the moment you would wiili to fave it. 
 
 If. Pray, ceafe your trouble, Sir ; I have no wim 
 but fudden death to free me from this hated Spaniard. 
 If you are his friend, inform him what I fay ; my 
 heart is given to another youth, whom I love with 
 the fame ftrength of paffion that I hate this Diego; 
 with whom if I am forced to wed, my own hand ihall 
 cut the gordian knot. 
 
 Sir Geo. Suppofe this Spaniard, which you drive 
 to fhun, mould be the very man to whom you'd fly ? . 
 
 If. Ha! 
 
 Sir Geo. Would you not blame your rafh refolve, 
 tmd curfe your eyes that would not look on Charles ? 
 
 If. On Charles ! * Oh, you have infpired new 
 * life, and collected every wandering fcnfe.' Where 
 is he ? Oh ! let me fly into his arms. [Rifes. 
 
 Sir Gc. Hold, hold, hold. 'Sdeath, Madam, 
 you'll ruin all ! Your father believes him to be Signior 
 Babinetto. Compofe yourfelf a little, pray Madam. 
 [He runs to Sir Jealous. 
 
 Cba. Her eyes declare (he knows me. ['#?<*' 
 
 Sir Geo. She begins to hear reafon, Sir ; the fear 
 of being turned out of doors has done it. 
 
 [Runs back to Ifabinda. 
 
 If. 'Tis he ! Oh, my ravifli'd foul ! 
 
 Sir Geo. Take heed, Madam, you don't betray 
 
 yourfelf. Seem with reluctance to confenr, or you 
 
 G are
 
 74 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 are undone ; [Runs to Sir Jealous.] fpeak gently to 
 her, Sir ; I'm fure ihe'll yield ; I lee it in her face. 
 
 Sir J. Well, Ifabinda, can you refufe to blefs a 
 father, vvhofe only care is to make you happy, as 
 Mr. Meanwell has informed you ? Come, wipe thy 
 eyes; nay, pr'ythee do, or thou wilt break thy fa- 
 ther's heart. See, thou bring'ft the tears in mine, 
 to think of thy undutiful carriage to me. \_Weeps. 
 
 If. Oh, do not weep, Sir ! Your tears are like a 
 poignard to my foul. Do with me what you pleafe, I 
 am all obedience. 
 
 'S\r y. Ha! then thou art my child again. 
 
 Sir Geo. 'Tis done, and now, friend, the day's thy 
 own. 
 
 Cha. The happieft of my life, if nothing intervene. 
 
 Sir y. And wilt thou love him ? 
 
 If. I will endeavour it, Sir. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Scrv. Sir, here is Mr. Tackum. 
 Sir y. Shew him into the parlour. Senhor tome 
 vind fueipora ; cette momento les junta les manos. 
 
 [Gives her 'to Charles. 
 
 Cha. * Ohtranfport! Senhor, yo la recibo como 
 fe deve un teforo tan grande. ' Oh ! my joy, my 
 * life, my foul.' [Embrace. 
 
 * If. My faithful everhfting comfort.' 
 
 Sir y. Now, Mr. Meanwell, let's to the parfon, 
 Who, by his art, will join this pair for life, 
 Make me the happieft father, her the happieft wife. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 SCEN E changes to the Street lefore Sir Jealous'/ Door. 
 
 Enter Marplot, folus. 
 
 Mar. I have hunted all over the town for Charles, 
 but can't find him ; and by Whifper's fcouting at the 
 end of the tfreet, I fufped he muft be in the houfe 
 again. ! am informed, too, that he has borrowed a 
 Spanim habit out of the play -houfe : what can it 
 mean ? 
 
 Enter
 
 
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 75 
 
 Enter a Servant of Sir Jealous'.* to him out of the Hovfe. 
 Hark'e, Sir, do you belong to this houfe ? 
 
 Serv. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Mar. Is nt your name, Richard f 
 
 Serv. No, Sir, Thomas. 
 
 Mar. Ob, ay, Thomas Wett^ Thomas, there's a 
 filling for you . 
 
 Ser/. Tbankyon, Sir. 
 
 Mar. Pray, Thomas, can you tell if there be a 
 gentleman in it, in a Spanifti habit ? 
 
 Serv. There's a Spanifh gentleman within, that 
 juft a going to marry my young lady, Sir. 
 
 Mar. Are you fure he is a Spanifh gentleman ? 
 
 Serv. I'm i'ure he fpcaks no Englifh, that I hearof. 
 
 Mar. Then (hat can't be him I want ; for 'tis an 
 Englifh gentleman that I enquire after ; he maybe 
 drefled like a Spaniard, for ought I know. 
 
 Serv . Ha ! Who knows but this may be an impof- 
 tor ? 1*11 inform my matter ; for if he mould be im- 
 pos'd upon, he'll beat us all round. \_Afidt. ~\ Pray, 
 come in, Sir, and fee if this be the perfon you en- 
 quire for. 
 
 Mar. Jy, V 11 follow you Now for it. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE changes to the Infide of the Houfe. 
 
 Enttr Marplot and Servant. 
 
 Serv. Sir, pleafe tojtay-here^ VII fend my mafter to 
 you. [Exit. 
 
 Mar. So, this was a good contrivance. If this be 
 Charles, now he will wonder how I found him out* 
 
 Enter Servant and Sir Jealous. 
 
 Sir y. What is your earnefl bufinefs, blockhead,, 
 that you muft fpeak with me before the ceremony'* 
 part ? Ha ! who's this ? 
 
 Serv. Why this gentleman, Sir, wants another 
 gentleman in a Spanifh habit, he fays.
 
 76 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Sir J. In a Spanifh habit ! 'Tis fome friend of Sig- 
 nior Don Diego's, I warrant. Sir^ your fer<v ant. 
 
 Mar. Tour fervant, Sir. 
 
 Sir J. I fuppofe you would fpeak with Signior 
 Babinetto. 
 
 Mar. Sir! 
 
 Sir J. I fay, I fuppofe you would fpeak with Sig- 
 nior Babinetto. 
 
 Mar. Hey day ! what the devil does he fay now ? 
 Sir, I don't underftand you. 
 
 Sir J. Don't you underftand Spanifh, Sir ? 
 
 Mar. Not I, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Sir J. I thought you had know Signior Babinetto. 
 
 Mar. Not I, upon my word, Sir. 
 
 Sir J. What then, you'd fpeak with his friend, the 
 Englifh merchant, Mr. Meanwell ? 
 
 Mar. Neither, Sir, not I ; I dctft mean any fucb 
 tiring. 
 
 Sir J. Why, who are you then, Sir ? And what 
 do you want ? [/ an angry tone* 
 
 Mar. Nay, nothing at all, not 1, Sir. Pox on him ! 
 I wiih I were out, he begins to exalt his voice ; I fhall 
 be beaten again. 
 
 Sir J. Nothing at all, Sir! Why, then, what 
 bufinefs have you in my houfe ? ha ! 
 
 Serv. You faid you wanted a gentleman in a Spanifh 
 habit. 
 
 Mar. Why, ay, but his name is neither Babinetto 
 nor Meanwell. 
 
 Sir J. What is his name, then, lirrah ? ha ! Now 
 I look at you again, I believe you are the rogue that 
 threatened me with half a dozen myrmidons 
 
 Mar. Me, Sir! I never fa=w your face in all my life 
 lefore. 
 
 Sir J. Speak, Sir, who is it you look for? or, 
 
 Mar. A terrible old dog ! Why, Sir, only 
 
 an honeft young fellow of my acquaintance I 
 thought that here might be a ball, and that he might 
 have been here in mafquerade. 'Tis Charles, Sir 
 
 Francis
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 77 
 
 Francis Gripe's fon, becaufe I know he us'd to come 
 hither fometimes. 
 
 Sir J. Did he fo ? Not that I know of, I'm fure. 
 
 Pray heaven that this be Don Diego If I fhould 
 
 be trick'd now Ha ! my heart mifgives me pla- 
 
 guily Within there ! flop the marriage Run,, 
 firrah., call all my fervants ! I'll be fatisfied that this 
 is Signior Pedro's fon, e'er he has my daughter. 
 
 Mar. Ha ! Sir George ! What have I done now ? 
 
 Enter Sir George with a drawnfwordy lefiieea the 
 fcenes* 
 
 Sir Geo. Ha! Marplot here -Oh, the unlucky 
 dog What's the matter, Sir Jealous ? 
 
 Sir J. Nay, I don't know the matter, Mr. Mean- 
 well. 
 
 Mar. Upon my foul, Sir George 
 
 [Going up to Sir George. 
 
 Sir J. Nay, then, I'm betray'd, ruin'd, undone- 
 Thieves, traitors, rogues! \Offen to go in.] Stop the 
 marriage, I fay 
 
 Sir Geo. I fay, go on, Mr. Tackum. Nay, no 
 
 entering here ; I- guard this paflage, old gentle- 
 man : the act and deed were both your own, and I'll 
 fee 'em fign'd, or die for'u 
 
 Enter Servant* 
 
 Sir 7. A pox on the a& and deed ! Fall on, knock 
 him down. 
 
 Sir Geo. Ay, come on, fcoundrels : I'll prick your 
 jcakets for you. 
 
 Sir y. Zounds, firrah, I'll be reveng'd on you. 
 
 [Keats Marplot. 
 
 Sir Geo.. Ay, there your vengeance is due. Ha, ha ! 
 Mar. Why, what do .you beat me for ? I han't 
 marry'd yourdaughter. 
 
 Sir J. RafcalsT why don't you knock him down ? 
 Strv. We are afraid of his fword, Mr ; if you'll 
 take that from him, we'll knock him down piefenrly. 
 G 3 ttr
 
 I 
 78 THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 Enter Charles and Ifabinda. 
 Sir y. Seize her, then. 
 
 Cbtu Raicais, retire ! (lie's my wife ; touch her if 
 you dare ; I'll make dog's meat of you. 
 
 Mar. ,/fy, /'// make dog's meat ef you, rafcal, 
 Sir J. Ah ! downright Englifti Oh, oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Enter Sir Francis Gripe, Miranda, Patch, Scentwell, 
 and Whifper. 
 
 Sir Fran. Into the houfe of joy we enter without 
 
 knocking. Ha ! I think 'tis the houfe of forrow, 
 
 Sir Jealous. 
 
 Sir J. Oh, Sir Francis, are you come ? What, 
 was this your contrivance, to abufe, trick, and choufe 
 me out of my child ? 
 
 Sir Fran. My contrivance ! What do you mean ? 
 
 Sir y. No, you don't know your ion there in a 
 Spanifii habit ! 
 
 SirFrtfa.How ! my fon in a Spanifh habit. Sirrah, 
 you'll come to be hang'd. Get out of fight, ye dog 1 
 get out of my light. 
 
 Sir J. Get out of your fight, Sir ! Get out with 
 your bag?. Let's lee what you'll give him now to main- 
 tain my daughter on. 
 
 Sir Fmn. Give him ! he (hall never be the better for 
 a penny of mine and you might have look'd after 
 your daughter better, Sir Jealous. Trick'd, quotha: 
 Egad, I think you defign'd to trick me : but look ye, 
 gentlemen, I believe I fhall trick you both. This 
 lady is my wife, do you fee ? And my eflate ftiall 
 defcend ccly to the heirs of her body. 
 
 Sir Gee. Lawfully begotten by me I fhall be ex- 
 tremely obliged to you, Sir Francis. 
 
 Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! poor Sir George ? You 
 fee your project was of no ufe. Does not your hun- 
 dred pound ft'ck in your ftomach ? Ka, ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Gee. No, faith, Sir Francis, this lady has given 
 
 me a cordial for that. [Takti her l>y the hand. 
 
 4 Sir
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 79 
 
 Sir Fran. Hold, Sir, you have nothing to fay to 
 this lady. 
 
 Sir G. Nor you nothing to do with my wife, Sir. 
 
 SirFr*. Wife, Sir! 
 
 Mir. Ay, really, guardian, 'tis even fo. I hope 
 you'll forgive my firft offence. 
 
 Sir Fran. What, have you chous'd me. out of my 
 confent, and your writings, then, miftrefs, ha ? 
 
 Mir. Out of nothing but my own, guardian. 
 
 Sir y. Ha, ha, ha ! 'tis fome comfort, at leaft, to 
 fee you are over-reach'd as well as myfelf. Will you 
 fettle your eftate upon your fon, now ? 
 
 Sir F. He (hall itarve firft. 
 
 Mir. That I have taken care to prevent. There, 
 Sir, are the writings of your uncle's eftate, which 
 have been your due thefe three years. 
 
 [Gives Charles papers. 
 
 Cb. I (hall ftudy to deferve this favour. 
 
 Mar. Now, bo-w the devil could Jbe get tbofe writings^ 
 and I know netbing of it. 
 
 Sir Fran. What, have you robb'd me too, miftrefs ! 
 
 Egad I'll make you reftore 'em Huffy, I 
 
 will fo. 
 
 Sir y. Take care I don't make you pay the arrears, 
 Sir. 'Tis well it's no worfe, fmce 'tis no better. 
 Come, young man, feeing thou haft outwitted me, 
 take her, and blefs you both. 
 
 Cb. I hope, Sir, you'll beftow your bleffing too ; 
 'tis all I aflc. [Kneels. 
 
 Mar. Do, gardy^ do. 
 
 Sir Fr. Confound you all ! [Exit. 
 
 Mar. Mercy upon us, how he looks ! 
 
 Sir G. Ha, ha, ha ! ue'er mind his curfes, Charles ; 
 thou'lt thrive not one jot the worle for 'em. Since 
 this gentleman is reconcil'd, we are all made happy. 
 
 Sir" J. I always lov'd precaution, and took care to 
 avoid dangers. But when a thing was paft, I ever 
 had philofophy to be eafy. 
 
 Cb. Which is the true fign of a great foul. I lov'd 
 
 your
 
 8o THE BUSY BODY. 
 
 your daughter, and fhe me, and you (hall have no 
 reafon to repent her choice. 
 
 If. You will not blame me, Sir, for loving my 
 own country beft. 
 
 Mar. So, here's every body happy, I find, but poor 
 pilgarlick. I wonder what fatisfa&ion I (hall have, for 
 being cufPd, kick'd, and beaten in your fervice. 
 
 Sir y. I have been a little too familiar with you, 
 as things are fallen out ; but fince there's no help 
 for't, you muft forgive me. 
 
 Mar. Egad I think fo but provided that you be 
 not fo familiar for the future. 
 
 Sir G. Thou haft been an unlucky rogue. 
 
 Mar. But very honeft. 
 
 Cb. That I'll vouch for ; and freely forgive thee.. 
 
 Sir G. And I'll do you one piece of fervice more, 
 Marplot. I'll take care that Sir Francis make you 
 mafter of your eftate. 
 
 Mar. That will make me as happy as any of you. 1 
 
 Patch. Your humble fervant begs leave to remind 
 you, Madam. 
 
 If. Sir, 1 hope you'll give me leave to take Patch 
 into favour again. 
 
 Sir J. Nay, let your hufband look to that ; I have 
 done with my care. 
 
 Cb. Her OWH liberty fhall always oblige me. 
 1 Here's nobody but honeft Whifper, and Mrs. Scent- 
 
 * well to be provided for, now. It fhall be left ta 
 
 * their choice, to marry, or keep their fervices. 
 
 * Wlnfp. Nay, then, I'll ilick to my mailer. 
 
 ' Sccnfvo. Coxcomb ! and I prefer my lady before 
 
 * a footman. 
 
 * Sir J. Hark, I hear the mufic ; the fidlers finelL 
 
 * a wedding. What fay you, young fellows, will 
 
 * you have a dance ? 
 
 * Sir G. With all my heart ; call 'em in 
 
 A DANCE. 
 
 Sir 7.
 
 THE BUSY BODY. 8r 
 
 Sir J. Now, let us in and refrefh ourfelves with a 
 chcarful glafs, in which we'll bury all animofities. 
 And, 
 
 By my example let all parents move, 
 
 And never flrive to crofs their children's love ; 
 
 But dill fubmit that care to Providence above. 
 
 END of the FIFTH ACT.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 TN we you fee one Bufy Body mere ; 
 
 T ho' you may have enough of one before. 
 With epilogues, the Bujy Body's way, 
 We ftrive to help, butjsmetimesmaraplay. 
 At this madfe/fions, half condemn' d ere try'd, 
 Some, in three days, have been turned off, and dy'd. 
 Infpite of par ties ) their attempts are vain, 
 For, likefalfe prophets, they ne'er rife again : 
 Too late, when cajt, your favour one befeecbis, 
 And epilogues frove execution fpeeches. 
 Yet fare Iffy no Bujy Bodies here, 
 And one may pafs, fence they do ev'ry where. 
 $/>ur criticks, time, and breath, and cenfures ivajie t 
 And baulk your pleafures to rejineyour ta(te : 
 One bufy Don, ill-tim'd high tenets preaches \ 
 Another, yearly, Jhews himfelf in fpeeches: 
 Some J'niv' ling cit <woald have a peace for fpite^ 
 To Jlarve thofe warriors who Jo bravely fght ; 
 Still of a foe upon his knees afraid, 
 Whofe well- bang* d troops want money heart, and bread: 
 Old beaux, ijuho none, not fen them/elves, canpleafe, 
 Are bufy Jlill, for nothing but to teaze '. 
 The young, fo bujy to engage a heart, 
 The mifchief done, are bujy moft to part : 
 Ungrateful nur etches ! <u>hojlilt crofs one's <iv///, 
 When they more kindly might be bufy Jlill .- 
 One to a hujband, who ne'er dreamt of horns, 
 Shews herd) dearfpoufe, with friend, his brows adorn* : 
 Th' officious tell- tale fool (hejhould repent it) 
 Parts three kindfwls, that liv'd at peace contented : 
 Some with law quirks fet houfes by the ears j 
 Withphyjic, one, what he would heal, impairs ; 
 Like that dark mop' d-up fry , that neighb'ring curfe t 
 Who, to remove love's pains, bejlow a worfe. 
 Since, then, this meddling tribe infefl the age ; 
 Bear one a-while expos' d upon the flage ; 
 Let none but Bufy Bodies vent their fpite^ 
 And, with good-humour , pleafure crown the night.
 
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