A Ll^E PORTRAIT; TUB ONLY ONK TO J5j: IIKLIED ON, AS IT AVAS PHOTOGRAPHED BY A SON OF HIS OWN. ■ V lames miller, 436 Broabma^ J J > y y\ 3 3 3 3 J>3 'j'-»»» >J3 J &t ^raiifb AND ISIEpaEIM:} iMSKi'SlSi OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN. ?#^ ILLUSTRATED BY ALFRED CROWQUILL. NEW YORK : JAMES MILLER, 486 BROADWAY. MUCCCLX. ^; TO THE PUBLIC. Having heard, for the first time, that my adventures have been doubted and looked upon as jokes, I feel bound to come forward and vindicate mj character foi' veracity^ by paying three shillings at the Mansion House of this great city for the afiidavits hereto tippended. This I have been forced into in regard of my own honor, although I have retired for many years from public and private life ; and I hope that this, my last edition, will place me in a proper light with my readers. AT THE CITY OF LONDON, ENGLAND. We^ the undersigned, as true believers in the j^rofit^ do most solemnly affirm, that all 4 TO THE PUBLIC. the adventures of our friend Baron Munchau- sen, in whatever country they may lie^ are positive and simple facts. And^ as we have been believed, whose adventures are tenfold more wonderful, so do we hope all true be- lievers will give him their full faith and credence. GULLIYEE. ^ SINBAD. cb ALADDIN". 4. Sworn at the Mansion House^ 9th Nov. last^ in the absence of the Lord Mayor. JOHN {the Porter). CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. The Baron relates an Account of his first Travels— The astonishing Effects of a Storm— Arrives at Ceylon ; combats and conquers two extraordinary Opponents — Returns to Holland Page 13 CHAPTER II. In which the Baron proves himself a good Shot — He loses his Horse, and finds a Wolf— Makes him draw his Sledge— Promises to entertain his Company with a Relation of such Facts as are well deserving their Notice 21 CHAPTER III. An Encounter between the Baron's Nose and a Door-post, with its wonderful effects- Fifty Brace of Ducks and other Fowl destroyed by one Shot— Flogs a Fox out of his skin — Leads an old Sow home in a new way, and vanquishes a "Wild Boar 26 chapit:r IV. Reflections on Saint Hubert's Stag— Shoots a Stag with Cherry-stones ; the wonderful effects of it— Kills a Bear by extraordinary Dexterity ; his Danger patlietically described— Attacked by a Wolf, which he turns inside out— Is assailed by a Mad Dog, from which he escapes —The Baron's Cloak seized with Madness, by which his whole Wardrobe is thrown into Confusion 80 CONTENTS. CHAPTER V. The effects of great Activity and Presence of Mind — A favorite Honnd described, which pups while pursuing a Hare ; the Hare also litters while pursued by the Hound — Presented with a famous Horse by Coiint Przobossky, with which he performs many extraordinary Feats 34 CHAPTER VI. % The Baron is made a Prisoner of War, and sold for a Slave — Keeps the Sultan's Bees, Avhich are attacked by two Bears — Loses one of his Bees ; a Silver Hatchet, which he throws at the Bears, rebounds and flies up to the Moon ; brings it back by an ingenious Invention ; falls to the Earth on his Return, and helps himself out of a Pit — Ex- tricates himself from a Carriage which meets his in a narrow Road, in a manner ne'ver before attempted, nor practised since — The won- derful Effects of the Frost upon his Servant's French-horn 42 CHAPTER YII. The Baron relates his Adventures on a Voyage to North America, which are well worth the Reader's Attention — Pranks of a Whale — A Sea-gull saves a Sailor's Life — The Baron's Head forced into his Stomach — A dangerous Leak stopped a Posteriori 47 CHAPTER VIII. Bathes in the Mediterranean— Meets an imexpected Companion — Ar- rives unintentionally in the Regions of Heat and Darknesf}, from which he is extricated by dancing a Hornpipe — Frightens his Deliv- erers, and returns on Shore 51 CHAPTER IX. Adventures in Turkey, and upon the River Nile — Sees a Balloon over Constantinople ; shoots at and brings it down ; finds a French Ex- perimental Philosopher suspended from it — Goes on an Embassy to Grand Cairo, and returns upon the Nile, where he is thrown into an unexpected Situation, and detained six weeks .54 CONTENTS. CHAFl^ER X. Pays a Visit during the Siege of Gibraltar to his old Friend General Elliot — Sinks a Spanish Man-of-War — Wakes an old Woman on the African Coast — Destroys all the Enemy's Cannon — Frightens the Count d'Artois, and sends him to Paris — Saves the Lives of two English Spies, with the identical Sling that killed Goliah, and raises the Siesre 60 CHAPTER XI. An interesting Account of the Baron's Ancestors — A Quarrel relative to the Spot where Noah built his Ark — The History of the Sling, and its Properties — A favorite Poet introduced upon no very reputa- ble Occasion — Queen Elizabeth's Abstinence — The Baron's Father Crosses from England to Holland, upon a Marine Horse, which he sells for Seven Hundred Ducats 68 CHAPTER XII. The Frolic ; its Consequences — Windsor Castle — St. Paul's — College of Physicians, Undertakers, Sextons, &c., almost ruined — Industry of the Apothecaries 72 CHAPTER XIII. The Baron sails with Captain Phipps — Attacks two large Bears, and has a very narrow Escape — Gains the Confidence of these Animals, and then destroys Thousands of them ; loads the Ship with their Hams and Skins ; makes Presents of the former, and obtains a gen- eral Invitation to all City Feasts — A Dispute between the Captain and the Baron, in which, from Motives of Politeness, the Captain is suffered to gain his Point — The Baron declines the Honor of a Throne, and an Empress into the Bargain 75 CHAPTER XIV. Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all Comparison ; yet fails in part of his Attempt — Gets into Disgrace with the Grand Seignior, who orders his Head to be cut off — Escapes, and gets on board a Vessel, in which he is carried to Venice — Baron Tott's Origin, with some Account of that great Man's Parents — Pope Ganganelli fond of Shell- tish 82 8 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XV. A. further Account of the Journey from Harwich to Helvoetsluys — De- scription of a number of Marine Objects, never mentioned by any Traveller before — Eoeks seen in this Pa.ssage, equal to the Alps in Magnitude: Lobsters, Crabs, &c., of an extraordinary Magnitutle — A Woman's Life saved ; the Cause of her Falling into the Sea ; Dr. Hawes's Directions followed with Success 88 CHAPTER XVI. This is a very short Chapter, but contains a Fact for which the Baron's Memory ought to be dear to every Englishman, especially those who may hereafter have the Misfortune of being made Prisoners of War 93 CHAPTER XVII. Voyage Eastward — The Baron introduces a Friend, who never de- ceived him ; wins a Hundred Guineas by pinning his Faith upon that Friend's Nose — Game started at Sea — Some other Circumstances, which will, it is hoped, afford the Reader no small Degree of Amuse- ment 95 CHAPTER XVIII. A second Visit (but an accidental one) to the Moon — The Ship driven by a Whirlwind a Thousand Leagues above the Surface of the Wa- ter, where a new Atmosphere meets them, and carries them into a capacious Harbor in the Moon — A Description of the Inhabitants, and their Manner of coming into the Lunarian World — Animals, Customs, Weapons of War, Wmes, Vegetables, &c 98 CHAPTER XIX. The Baron crosses the Thames without the Assistance of a Bridge, Ship, Boat, Balloon, or even his own Will ; rouses himself after a Long Nap, and Destroys a Monster, who lived upon the Destruction of others 105 CHAPTER XX. The Baron slips through the World ; after paying a Visit to Mount Etna, he finds himself in the South Sea ; visits Vulcan in his Pass- age ; gets on board a Dutchman; arrives at an Island of Cheese, CONTENTS. . 9 surrounded by a Sea of Milk ; describes some very extraordinary Objects — Lose their Compass ; their Ship slips between the Teeth of a Fish unknown in tliis part of the "World ; their Difficulty in escap- ing from thence ; amve in the Caspian Sea — Starves a Bear to Death — A few Waistcoat Anecdotes — In this Chapter, which is the lon- gest, the Baron moralizes upon the Virtue of Voracity 107 SUPPLEMENT. Extraordinary Flight on the Back of an Eagle over France to Gibral- tar, South and North America, the Polar Eegions, and back to Eng- land, within Six-and-Thirty Hours 124 Preface to the Second Volume 139 CHAPTER XXL The Baron insists on the Veracity of his former Memoirs — Forms a Design of making Discoveries in the interior Parts of Africa — His Discourse with Hilaro Frosticos about it — His Conversation with Lady Fragrantia — The Baron goes with other Persons of Distinction to Court; relates an Anecdote of the Marquis de Bellecourt 143 CHAPTER XXII. Preparations for the Baron's Expedition into Africa — Description of his Chariot ; the Beauties of its interior Decorations ; the Animals that drew it ; and the Mechanism of the Wheels 151 CHAPTER XXIIL The Baron proceeds on his Voyage — Convoys a Squadron to Gibraltar — Declines the Acceptance of the Island of Candia — His Chariot damaged by Pompey's Pillar and Cleopatra's Needle — The Baron outdoes Alexander — Breaks his Chariot and splits a great Eock at the Cape of Good Hope 156 CHAPTER XXIV. Tlie Baron secures his Chariot, &c., at the Cape, and takes his Passage for England in a homeward-bound Indiaman — Wrecked upon an Island of Ice near the Coast of Guinea — Escapes from the Wreck. 10 CONTENTS. and rears a variety of Vegetables upon the Island — Meets some Ves- sels belonging to the Negroes bringing White Slaves from Europe, in Retaliation, to work upon their Plantations in a^old Climate near the South Pole — Arrives in England and lays an Account of his Expedition before the Privy Council — Great Preparations for a new Expedition — The Sphinx, Gog and Magog, and a great Company attend him — The Ideas of Hilaro Frosticos respecting the Interioi Parts of Africa 162 CHAPTER XXV. Count Gosamer thrown by Sphinx into the Snow on the Top of Tene- riffe — Gog and Magog conduct Sphinx for the rest of the Voyage — The Baron arrives at the Cape, and unites his former Chariot, &c., to his new retinue — Passes into Africa, proceeding from the Cape northward— Defeats a Host of Lions by a curious Stratagem — Travels through an immense Desert — His whole Company, Chariot, &c., overwhelmed by a Whirlwind of Sand — Extricates them, and arrives in a fertile Country 170 CHAPTER XXVI. A Feast on live Bulls and Kava — The Inhabitants admire the Euro- pean Adventurers — The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him great Compliments — The Inhabitants of the centre of Af- rica descended from the people of the Moon, proved by an Inscrip- tion in Africa, and by the analogy of their Language ; which is also the same with that of the ancient Scythians — The Baron is declared Sovereign of the Interior of Africa, on the Decease of the Emperor — He endeavors to abolish the Custom of eating live Bulls, which excites much discontent — The advice of Hilaro Frosticos upon the Occasion — The Baron makes a Speech to the Assembly of the States, which only excites greater Murmurs— He consults with Hilaro Fros- ticos 180 CHAFIER XXVII. A Proclamation by the Baron — Excessive Curiosity of the People to know what Fudge was— The People in a general Ferment about it — They break open all the Granaries in the Empire— The Afl'ections of the People conciliated — An Ode performed in Honor of the Baron — His Discourse with Fragrantia on the Excellence of the Music. . .192 CONTENTS. 11 CHAPTER XXVin. The Baron sets all the People of the Empire to work to build a Bridge from their Country to Great Britain — His contrivance to render the Arch secure — Orders an Inscription to be engraved on the Bridge — Eeturns with all his Company, Chariot, &c., to England — Surveys the Kingdoms and Nations under him from the Middle of the Bridge 199 CHAPTER XXEX. The Baron's Retinue is opposed in an heroic Style by Don Quixote, who in his turn is attacked by Gog and Magog — Lord Whittington with the Lord Mayor's Show comes to the Assistance of Don Quixote — Gog and Magog assail his Lordship — Lord Whittington makes a Speech, and deludes Gog and Magog to his Party — A general Scene of Uproar and Battle among the Company ; until the Baron, with great Presence of Mind, appeases the Tumult 204 CHAPTER XXX. The Baron arrives in England — The Colossus of Rhodes comes to con- gratulate him. Great Rejoicings on the Baron's Return, and a tre- mendous Concert — The Baron's Discourse with Fragrantia, and her Opinion of the Tour to the Hebrides 212 CHAPTER XXXI. A litigated contention between Don Quixote, Gog, Magog, &c. — A grand Court assembled upon it — The Appearance of the Company — The Matrons, Judges, &c. — The Method of Writing, and the Use of the fashionable Amusement Quizzes — Wauwau arrives from the Country of Prester John, and leads the whole Assembly a Wild- goose Chase to the Top of Plinlimmon, and thence to Virginia — The Baron meets a Floating Island in his Voyage to America — Pursues Wauwau with his whole Company through the Deserts of North America — His curious Contrivance to seize Wauwau in a Morass. .217 CHAPTER XXXII. The Baron harangues the Company, and they continue the Pursuit — The Baron wandering from his Retinue, is taken by the Savages. 12 CONTENTS. scalped, and tied to a Stake to be roasted ; but he contrives to extri- cate hiinst'lf, and kills the Savages— The Baron travels overland through the Forests of North America, to the Confines of Eussia — Arrives at the Castle of the Nareskin Kowskimowmowsky, and gal- lops into the Kingdom of Loggerheads — A Battle, in which the Baron fights the Nareskin in single Combat, and generously gives hiiu his Life — Arrives at the Friendly Islands, and discourses with Omai — The Baron with all his Attendants goes from Otaheite to the Isthmus of Darien ; and having cut a Canal across the Isthmus, re- turns to England 226 CHAPTER XXXIII. The Baron goes to Petersburgh, and converses with the Empress — Persuades the Eussians and Turks to cease cutting one another's Throats, and in concert cut a Canal across the Isthmus of Suez — The Buron discovers the Alexandrian Library, and meets with Hermes Trismegistus — Besieges Seringapatam, and challenges Tippoo Saib to single Combat — They fight — The Baron receives some Wounds on his Face, but at last vanquishes the Tyrant — The Baron returns to Europe, and raises the Hull of the Eoyal George 238 CHAPTER XXXIV. The Baron makes a Speech to the National Assembly, and drives out all the Members — Eouts the Fishwomen and the National Guards — Pursues the whole Eout into a Church, where he defeats the National Assembly, &c., with Eousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their Head, and liberates Marie Antoinette and the Eoyal Family 247 TRAVELS OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN. [the baron is supposed to relate these adventures to his friends, over a bottle.] OME years before my beard an- nounced approaching manhood, or, in other words, when I was neither man nor boy, but be- tween both, I expressed in re- peated conversations a strong desire of seeing the world ; from which I was discouraged by my parents, though my father had been no inconsiderable traveller himself, as will ap- pear before I have reached the end of my singular, 14 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF and, I may add, interesting adventures. A cousin, by my mother's side, took a liking to me, often said I was a tine forward youth, and was much inclined to gratify my curiosity. His eloquence had more effect than mine, for my father consented to my ac- companying him in a voyage to the island of Cey- lon, where his uncle had resided as governor many years. We sailed from Amsterdam with dispatches from their High Mightinesses the States of Holland. The only circumstance which hapj)ened on our voyage worth relating, was the wonderful effects of a storm, which had torn up by the roots a great nimaber of trees of enormous bulk and height, in an island where w^e lay at anchor to take in wood and w^ater. Some of these trees weighed many tons, yet they were car- ried by the wind so amazingly high, that they ap- peared like the feathers of small birds floating in the air, for they were at least five miles above the earth : however, as soon as the storm subsided, they all fell perpendicularly into their respective places, and took root again, except the largest, which happened, when it was blown into the air, to have a man and liis wife, a very honest old couple, upon its branches. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 15 gathering cucumbers (in this part of the globe that useful vegetable grows upon trees). The weight of this couple, as the tree descended, overbalanced the trunk, and brought it down in an horizontal posi- tion : it fell upon the chief man of the island, and killed him on the spot ; he had quitted his house in the storm, under an apprehension of its falling upon him, and was returning through his own garden when this fortunate accident happened. The word fortunate, here, requires some explanation. This chief was a man of a very avaricious and oppres- sive disposition, and though he had no family, the natives of the island were half starved by his op- pressive and infamous impositions. The very goods which he had thus taken from them were spoiling in his stores, while the poor wretches from wdiom they were plundered were pining in poverty. Though the destruction of this tyrant was accidental, the people chose the cucum- ber-gatherers for their governors, as a mark of their gratitude for destroying, though accidentally, their late tyrant. After we had repaired the damages we sustained in this remarkable storm, and taken leave of the 16 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF Qew governor and his ladj, we sailed with a fair wind for the object of our voyage. In about six weeks we arrived at Ceylon, where we were received with great marks of friendship and true politeness. The following singular adven- ture may not prove unentertaining. After we had resided at Ceylon about a fortnight, I accompanied one of the governor's brothers upon a shooting-party. He was a strong, athletic man, and being used to that climate (for he had resided there some years), he bore the violent heat of the sun much better than I could ; in our excursion he had made a considerable progress through a thick wood when I was only at the entrance. Kear the banks of a large piece of water, which had engaged my attention, I thought I heard a rustling noise behind ; on tm'ning about, I w^as al- most petrified (as who would not?) at the sight of a lion, which was evidently approaching with the intention of satisfying his appetite with my poor carcass, and that without asking my consent. What w^as to be done in this horrible dilemma ? I had not even a moment for reflection ; my piece was only charged with swan-shot, and I had no other THE BARON RELATING HIS ADVENTURES. BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 17 about me ; however, though I could have no idea of killing such an animal with that weak kind of ammunition, yet I had some hopes of frightening him by the report, and perhaps of wounding him also. I immediately let fly, without waiting till he was within reach; and the report did but enrage him, for he now quickened his pace, and seemed to approach me full speed : I attempted to escape, but that only added (if an addition could be made) to my distress ; for the moment I turned about, I found a large crocodile, with his mouth extended, almost ready to receive me ; on my right hand was the piece of water before mentioned, and on my left a deep precipice, said to have, as I have since learned, a receptacle at the bottom for venomous creatures : in short, I gave myself up as lo8t, for the lion was now upon his hind-legs, just in the act of seizing me ; I fell involuntarily to the groimd with fear, and, as it afterwards appeared, he sprang over me. I lay some time in a situation which no lan- guage can describe, expecting to feel his teeth or tiilons in some part of me every moment: after waiting in this prostrate situation a few seconds, I heard a violent but unusual noise, diflerent from 18 OKIGINAL TKAVELS OF any sound that had ever before assailed my ears ; uov is it at all to be wondered at, when I inform you from whence it proceeded. After listening for some time, I ventured to raise my head and look round, when, to my unspeakable joy, I perceived the lion had, by the eagerness with wliich he sprung at me, jumped forward, as I fell, into the crocodile's mouth, which, as before observed, was wide open : the head of the one stuck in the throat of the other, and they were struggling to extricate themselves. 1 fortunately recollected my couteau de chasse, which was by my side; with this instrument I severed the lion's bead at one blow, and tbe body fell at my feet. I then with the but-end of my fowling-piece rammed the head further into the throat of the crocodile, and destroyed him by suifo- cation, for he could neither gorge nor eject it. Soon after I had thus gained a complete victory over my two powerful adversaries, my companion arrived in search of me ; for finding I did not fol- low him into the wood, he returned, apprehending I had lost my way, or met with some accident. After mutual congratulations, we measured the crocodile, which was just forty feet in length. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 19 As soon as we had related this extraordinary ad- venture to the governor, he sent a wagon and ser- vants, who brought home the two carcasses. The lion's skin was properly preserved, with its hair on ; after which it was made into tobacco-pouches, and presented by me, upon our return to Holland, to the burgomasters, wdio, in return, requested my accept- ance of a thousand ducats. The skin of the crocodile was stuffed in the usual manner, and makes a capital article in their public museum at Amsterdam, where the exhibitor relates the whole story to each spectator, with such addi- tions as he thinks proper : some of his variations are rather extravagant ; one of them is, that the lion jumped quite through the crocodile, and was making his escape at the back-door, when, as soon as his head appeared. Monsieur the Great Baron (as he is pleased to call me) cut it off, and three feet of the crocodile's tail along with it ; nay, so little at- tention has this fellow to the truth, that he some- times adds, as soon as the crocodile missed his tail, he turned about, snatched the couteau de chasse out of Monsieur's hand, and swallowed it with such 20 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF eagerness that it pierced his heart and killed him immediately. The little regard which this impudent knave has to veracity, makes me sometimes apprehensive that my real facts may fall under suspicion, by being found in company with his confounded inventions. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 21 (dU^Vi^v Ww$. '^^ SET off from Rome on a journey to Russia, in the midst of winter, from a just notion that frost and snow must of course mend the roads, which every traveller had described as uncommonly bad through the northern parts of Germany, Poland, Courland, and Livonia. I went on horseback, as the most convenient manner of travelling ; I was but lightly clothed, and of this I felt the inconve- nience the more I advanced northeast. What must not a poor old man have suffered in that severe weather and climate, whom I saw on a bleak common in Poland, lying on the road, help- less, shivering, and hardly having wherewithal to cover his nakedness ! I pitied the poor sonl ! Though I felt the severity of the air myself, 1 22 ORIGINAL TKAVELS OF threw my mantle over liim, and immediately 1 lieard a voice i\?> snow had melted away ; and what in the dark I had taken to be a stump of a little tree appearing above the snow, to which I had tied my horse, proved to have been the cross or weather-cock of the steeple. Without long consideration, I took one of my pis- tols, shot the bridle in two, brought down the horse, and proceeded on my journey. [Here the Baron seems to have forgot his feelings ; he should cer- tainly have ordered his horse a feed of corn, after fasting so long.] He carried me w^ell. Advancing into the interior parts of Kussia, I found travelling on horseback rather unfashionable in winter ; therefore I submit- ted, as I always do, to the custom of the country, took a single-horse sledge, and drove briskly to- wards St. Petersburg!!. I do not exactly recollect whether it was in Eastland or Jugemanland, but I remember that in the midst of a dreary forest, 1 spied a terrible wolf making after me, with all the speed of ravenous winter hunger. He soon over- took me. There was no possibility of escape. Me- chanically I laid myself down flat in the sledge, and let my horse run for our safety. What I wished, but hardly hoped or expected, happened 24 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF immediately after. The wolf did not mind me in the least, but took a leap over me, and falling fu- riously on the horse, began instantly to tear and de- vour the hind part of the poor animal, which ran the faster for his pain and terror. Thus unnoticed and safe myself, I lifted my head slyly up, and with horror I beheld that the wolf had ate his way into the horse's body ; it was not long before he had fairly forced himself into it, when I took my advan- tage, and fell upon him w^ith the but-end of my whip. This unexpected attack in his rear fright- ened him so much, that he leaped forward with all his might; the horse's carcass dropped on the ground ; but in his place the wolf was in the har- ness, and I on my part whipping him continually, we both arrived in full career safe to St. Peters- burgh, contrary to our respective expectations, and very much to the astonishment of the spectators. I shall not tire you, gentlemen, w^ith the politics, arts, sciences, and history of this magnificent me- tropolis of Russia ; nor trouble you with the various intrigues and pleasant adventures I had in the po- liter circles of that country, where the lady of the house always receives the visitor with a dram and a BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 25 salute. I shall confine myself rather to the greater and nobler objects of your attention, horses and dogs, my favorites in the brute creation; also to foxes, wolves, and bears, with which, and game in general, Russia abounds more than any other part of the world ; and to such sports, manly exercises, and feats of gallantry and activity, as show the gentleman better than musty Greek or Latin, or all the perfume, finery, and capers of French wits, or ^etiirinaAtres. 26 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF (t\x^l)ttx l^\xttt. T was some time before I could obtain a commission in the armj, and for several months I was per- fectly at liberty to sport away my time and money in the most gen- tleman-like manner. You may easily imagine that I spent much of both out of town, with such gallant fellows as knew how to make the most of an open forest country. The very recollection of those amusements gives me fresh spirits, and creates a warm wish for a repeti- tion of them. One morning I saw through the windows of my bedroom, that a large pond, not far off, was covered with wild ducks. In an instant I took my gun from the corner, ran down-stairs and out of the house in such a hurry, that I imprudent- ly struck my face against the door-post. Fire flew BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 27 out of my eyes, but it did not prevent my inten- tion ; I soon came within shot, when, levelling my piece, I observed, to my sorrow, that even the flint had sprung from the cock, by the violence of the shock I had just received. There was no time to be lost. I pres*ently remembered the effect it had on my eyes, therefore opened the pan, levelled my piece against the wild fowls, and my fist against one of my eyes. [The Baron's eyes have retained fire ever since, and appear particularly illumina- ted when he relates this anecdote.] A hearty blow drew sparks again ; the shot went off, and I killed fifty brace of ducks, twenty widgeons, and three couple of teals. Presence of mind is the soul of manl}^ exercises. If soldiers and sailors owe to it many of their lucky escapes, hunters and sportsmen are not less beholden to it for many of their suc- cesses. In a noble forest in Russia, I met a fine black fox, whose valuable skin it would have been a pity to tear by ball or shot. Reynard stood close to a tree. In a twinkling I took out my ball, and placed a good spike nail in its room, fired, and hit him so cleverly that I nailed his brush fast to the tree. I now went up to him, took out my hanger, 28 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF gave him a cross-cut over the face, laid hold of my whip, and fairly flogged him out of his fine skin. Chance and good luck often correct our mis- takes ; of this I had a singular instance soon after, when, in the depth of a forest, I saw a wild pig and sow running close behind each oth^r. My ball had missed them, yet the foremost pig only ran away, and the sow stood motionless, as fixed to the ground. On examining into the matter, I found the latter one to be an old sow, blind with age, which had taken hold of her pig's tail, in order to be led along by filial duty. My ball having passed between the two, had cut his leading-string, which the old sow continued to hold in her mouth ; and as her former guide did not draw her on any longer, she had stopped of course ; I therefore laid hold of the remaining end of the pig's tail, and led the old beast home without any farther trouble on my part, and without any reluctance or apprehension on the part of the helpless old animal. Terrible as these wild sows are, yet more fierce and dangerous are the boars, one of which I had once the misfortune to meet in a forest, unprepared for attack or defence. I retired behind an oak-tree, BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 29 just when the furious animal levelled a side-blow at me, with such force that his tusks pierced through the tree, by which means he could neither repeat the blow nor retire. Ho, ho ! thought I, I shall soon have you now ; and immediately I laid hold of a stone, wherewith I hammered and bent his tusks in such a manner, that he could not retreat by any means, and must wait my return from the next village, whither I went for ropes and a cart, to secure him properly, and to carry him off safe and alive, in which I perfectly succeeded. 30 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (Klurpti^v |aur. ^ ^ OU have heard, I dare say, of the hunter's and sportsman's saint and j)rotector St. Hnbert ; and of the noble stag, which appeared to him in tlie forest, with the holy cross between his antlers. I have paid mj homage to that saint every year in good fellowship, and seen this stag a thousand times, either painted in churches, or embroidered in the stars of his knights ; so that, upon the honor and conscience of a good sportsman, I hardly know whether there may not have been formerly, or whether there are not such crossed stags even at this present day. But let me rather tell what I have seen myself. Having one day spent all my shot, I found myself unexpectedly in presence of a stately stag, looking at me as un- concernedly as if he had known of my empty pouches. I charged immediately with powder, and BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 31 upon it a good handful of clierry-stones, for I had sucked the fruit as far as the hurry would permit. Tlius I let fly at him, and hit him just on the mid- dle of the forehead, between his antlers ; it stunned him — he staggered — yet he made off. A year or two after, being with a party in the same forest, I beheld a noble stag with a fine full-grown cherry- tree above ten feet high between his antlers. I im- mediately recollected my former adventure, looked upon him as my property, and brought him to the ground by one shot, whicli at once gave me the haunch and cherry-sauce ; for the tree was covered with the richest fruit, the like I had never tasted before. Who knows but some passionate holy sportsman, or sporting abbot, or bishop, may have shot, planted, and fixed the cross between the ant- lers of St. Hubert's stag, in a manner similar to this ? They have always been, and still are, famous for plantations of crosses and antlers ; and in a case of distress or dilemma, which too often happens to keen sportsmen, one is apt to grasp at any thing for safety, and to try any expedient, rather than miss the favorable opportunity. I have many times found myself in that trying situation. 32 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF What do you say of this, for example ? Daylight and powder were spent one day in a Polish forest. When I was going home, a terrible bear made up to me in great speed, with open mouth ready to fall upon me ; all my pockets were searched in an instant for powder and ball, but in vain. I found nothing but two spare flints ; one I flung w^ith all my might into the monster's open jaws, down his throat. It gave him pain and made him turn about, so that I could level the second at his back-door, which, in- deed, I did with wonderful success ; for it flew in, met the first flint in the stomach, struck fire, and blew up the bear with a terrible explosion. Though I came off safe that time, yet I should not wish to try it again, or venture against bears with no other ammunition. There is a kind of fatality in it. The fiercest and most dangerous animals generally came upon me when defenceless, as if they had a notion or an in- stinctive intimation of it. Thus a frightful wolf rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close, that I could do nothing but follow mechanical instinct, and thrust my fist into his open mouth. For safe- ty's sake I pushed on and on, tilt my arm was fairly BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 33 in up to the shoulder. How should I disengage myself? I was not much pleased with my awk- ward situation — with a wolf face to face — our ogling was not of the most pleasant kind. If I withdrew my arm, then the animal would fly the more fu- riously upon me ; that I saw in his flaming eyes. In short, I laid hold of his tail, turned him inside out like a glove, and flung him to the ground, where I left him. The same expedient would not have answered against a mad-dog, which soon after came running against me in a narrow street at St. Petersburgh. Run who can, I thought ; and to do this the better, I threw off my fur-cloak, and was safe within-doors in an instant. I sent my servant for the cloak, and he put it in the wardrobe with my other clothes. The day after I was amazed and frightened by Jack's bawling, 'Tor God's sake, sir, your fur- cloak is mad!" I hastened up to him, and found almost all my clothes tossed about and torn to pieces. The fellow was perfectly right in his apprehensions about the fur-cloak's madness. I saw him myself just then falling upon a fine full-dress suit, which he shook and tossed in an unmerciful manner. 34 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (£\xn\iittv iivt. LL these narrow and lucky es- capes, gentlemen, were chan- ces turned to advantage, by presence of mind and vig- .^, orous exertions ; which taken together, as everybody knows, make the fortunate sportsman, sailor, and soldier; but he would be a very blamable and imprudent sportsman, admiral, or general, who would always depend upon chance and his stars, without troub- ling himself about those arts which are their j^artic- ular j)nrsuits, and without providing the veiy best implements which insure success. I was not blamable either way ; for I have always been as re- markable for the excellency of my horses, dogs, guns, and swords, as for the proper manner of using and managing them, so that upon the whole I may hope BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 35 to be remembered in the forest, upon the turf, and in tlie field. I shall not enter here into any detail of my stables, kennel, or armory ; but a favorite bitch of mine I cannot help mentioning to you — she was a greyhound, and I never had or saw a bet- ter. She grew old in my service, and was not re- markable for her size, but rather for her uncommon swiftness. I always coursed with her. Had you seen her, you must have admired her, and would not have wondered at my predilection, and at my coursing her so much. She ran so fast, so much, and so long in my service, that slie actually ran off her legs ; so that, in the latter part of her life, I was under the necessity of working and using her only as a terrier, in which quality she still served me many years. Coursing one day a hare, which appeared to me uncommonly big, I pitied my poor bitch, being big with pups, yet she would course as fast as ever. I could follow her on horseback only at a great dis- tance. At once I heard a cry as it were of a pack of hounds — but so weak and faint that I hardly knew what to make of it. Coming up to them, I was greatly surprised. The liare had littered in 3« 36 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF running; the same had happened to my bitch in coursing — and there were just as many leverets as pups. By instinct the former ran, the latter coursed ; and thus I found myself in possession at once of six hares, and as many dogs, at the end of a course wliich had only begun with one. I remember this, my wonderful bitch, with the same pleasure and tenderness as a superb Lithua- nian horse, which no money could have bought. He became mine by an accident, which gave me an opportunity of showing my horsemanship to a great advantage. I was at Count Przobossky's noble country-seat in Lithuania, and remained with the ladies at tea in the drawing-room, while the gentle- men were down in the yard, to see a young horse of blood, which had just arrived from the stud. We suddenly heard a noise of distress ; I hastened down-stairs, and found the horse so unruly, that no- body durst approach or mount him. The most res- olute horsemen stood dismayed and aghast; de- spondency was expressed in every countenance, when, in one leap, I was on his back, took him by surprise, and worked him quite into gentleness and obedience, with tlie best display of horsemanship I BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 37 was master of. Fully to show this to the ladies, and save them unnecessary trouble, I forced him to leap in at one of the open windows of the tea-room, walked round several times, pace, trot, and gallop ; and at last made him mount the tea-table, there to repeat his lessons, in a pretty style of miniature — which was exceedingly pleasing to the ladies, for he performed them amazingly well, and did not break either cup or saucer. It placed me so high in their opinion, and so well in that of the noble lord, that, with his usual politeness, he begged 1 would accept of this young horse, and ride him full career to conquest and honor, in the campaign against the Turks, which was soon to be opened, under the command of Count Munich. I could not indeed have received a more agreea- ble present, nor a more ominous one at the opening of that campaign, in which I made my apprentice- ship as a soldier. A horse so gentle, so spirited, and so fierce — at once a lamb and a Bucephalus — put me always in mind of the soldier's and the gen- tleman's duty ; of young Alexander, and of the as- tonishing things he performed in the field. We took the field, among several other reasons. 38 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF it seems, with an intention to retrieve the character of the Russian arms, which had been blemished a little by Czar Peter's last campaign on the Pruth ; and this we I'nlly accomplislied by several very fa- tiguing and glorious campaigns under the com- mand of that great general I mentioned before. Modesty forbids individuals to arrogate to them- selves great successes or victories, the glory of which is generally engrossed by the commander, nay, which is rather awkward, by kings and queens, who never smelt gunpowder but at the field-days and reviews of their troops ; never saw a field of battle, or an enemy in battle array. Nor do I claim any particular share of glory in the great engagements with the enemy. We did our duty, which, in the patriot's, soldiers, and gen- tleman's language, is a very comprehensive word, of great honor, meaning, and import, and of which the generality of idle quidnuncs and coffee-house politicians can hardly form any but a very mean and contemptible idea. However, having had the command of a body of hussars, I went upon several expeditions, with discretionary powers ; and the success I then met with is, I think, fairly and only BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 39 to be placed to my account, and to that of tlie brave fellows whom I led on to conquest and to victory. We had very hot work once in the van of the army, when we dro^^e the Turks into Ocza- kow. My spirited Lithuanian, had almost brought m.e into a scrape ; I had an advanced fore-post, and saw the enemy coming against me in a cloud of dust, which left me rather uncertain about their ac- tual numbers and real intentions : to wrap myself up in a similar cloud was common prudence, but would not have much advanced my knowledge, or an- swered the end for which I had been sent out ; therefore I let my flankers on both wings spread to the right and left, and make what dust they could, and I myself led on straight upon the enemy, to have a nearer sight of them ; in this I was gratified, fur they stood and fought, till, for fear of my flank- ei's, they began to move off rather disorderly. This was the moment to fall upon them with spirit ; — we broke them entirely — made a terrible havoc among them, and drove them not only back to a walled town' in their rear, but even through it, con trary to our most sanguine expectation. The swiftness of my Lithuanian enabled me to b« 40 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF foremost in the pursuit ; and seeing the enemy fairly flying througli the opposite gate, I thought it would be prudent to stop in the market-place, to order the men to rendezvous. I stopped, gentlemen; but judge of my astonishment, when in this market- place I saw not one of my hussars about me ! Are they scouring the other streets ? or what is become of them ? They could not be far off, and must, at all events, soon join me. In that expectation I walked my panting Lithuanian to a spring in this market-place, and let him drink. He drank un- commonly — with an eagerness not to be satisfied, but natural enough, for when I looked round for my men, what should I see, gentlemen — the hind- part of the poor creature, croup and legs, were miss- ing, as if he had been cut in two, and the water ran out as it came in, without refreshing or doing him any good ! How it could have hajDpened was quite a mystery to me, till I returned with him to the town-gate. There I saw, that when I rushed in pell-mell with the flying enemy, they had dropped the portcullis (a heavy falling door, with sharp spikes at the bottom, let down suddenly, to prevent the entrance of an enemy into a fortified town), un- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 41 perceived by me, which had totally cut off his hind part, that still lay quivering on the outside of the gate. It would have been an irreparable loss, had not our farrier contrived to bring both parts togeth- er while hot. He sewed them up with sprigs and young shoots of laurel that were at hand. The wound healed ; and what could not have happened but to so glorious a horse, the sprigs took root in his body, grew up, and formed a bower over me ; so that afterwards I could go upon many other expe- ditions in the shade of my own and my horse's laurels. 4* 42 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (&\tix\)ttx cfixtft. WAS not always successful. I had the misfortune to be overpowered by numbers; to be made prisoner of war ; and what is worse, but al- ways usual among the Turks, to be sold for a slave. [The Baron was afterwards in great favor with the Grand Seignior, as will appear hereafter.] In that state of humiliation, my daily task was not very hard and laborious, but rather singular and irksome. It was to drive the Sultan's bees every morning to their pasture- grounds, to attend them all the day long, and against night to drive them back to their hives. One even- ing I missed a bee, and soon observed that two bears had fallen upon her to tear her to pieces for the honey she .carried. I had nothiug like an offen- sive weapon in my hands but the silver hatchet, BARON AiUNCHAUSEN. 43 wliicli is the badge of the Sultan's gardeners and farmers. I threw it at the robbers witli an inten- tion to frighten them away, and set the poor bee at liberty ; bnt, by an unlucky turn of my arm, it flew upwards, and continued rising till it reached the moon. How should I recover it? how fetch it down again ? I recollected that Turkey-beans grow very quick, and run up to an astonishing height. I planted one immediately : it grew, and actually fast- ened itself to one of the moon's horns. I had no more to do now but to climb up by it into the moon, where I safely arrived, and had a troublesome pjece of business before I could find my silver hatchet, in a place where every thing has the brightness of sil- ver : at last, however, I found it in a heap of chaff and chopped straw. I was now for returning ; but, alas ! the heat of the sun had dried up my bean ; it was totally useless for my descent : so I fell to work, and twisted me a rope of that chopped straw, as long and as well as I could make it. This I fastened to one of the moon's horns, and slid down to the end of it. Here I held myself fast with the left hand ; and, with the hatchet in my right, I cut tlie long, now useless end of the upper part, which. 44 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF when tied to the lower end, brought me a good deal lower. This repeated splicing and tying of the rope did not improve its quality, or bring me down to the Sultan's farms. I was four or five miles from the earth at least, when it broke : I fell to the ground with such amazing violence, that I felt my- self stunned, and in a hole nine fathoms deej) at least, made by the weight of my body falling from BO great a height. I recovered, but knew not how to get out again : however, I dug slopes or steps with my finger-nails [the Baron's nails were then of forty years' growth], and easily accomplished it. Peace was soon after concluded with the Turks ; and gaining my liberty, I left St. Petersburg at the time of that singular revolution, when the emperor, in his cradle, his mother, the Duke of Brunswick, her father. Field-marshal Munich, and many others Avere sent to Siberia. The winter was then so un- commonly severe all over Europe, that ever since the sun seems to be frost-bitten. At my return to this place, I felt on the road greater inconveniences than those I had experienced on my setting out. I travelled post, and finding myself in a narrow lane, bid the postillion give a signal with his horn. BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 45 that other travellers might not meet us in the narrow passage. He blew with all his might ; but his en- deavors were in vain, he could not make the horn sound ; which was unaccountable, and rather unfor- tunate, for soon after we found ourselves in the presence of another coach coming the other way. There was no proceeding ; however, I got out of my carriage, and being pretty strong, placed it, wheels and all, upon my head. I then jumped over a hedge about nine feet high (which, considering the weight of the coach, was rather difficult) into a field, and came out again by another jump into the road beyond the other carriage. I then went back for the horses, and placing one upon my head, and the other under my left arm, by the same means brought them to my coach, put to, and proceeded to an inn at the end of our stage. I should have told you, that the horse under my arm was very spirited, and not above four years old : in making my second spring over the hedge, he expressed great dislike to that violent kind of motion, by kicking and snorting ; however, I confined his hind-legs, by putting them into my coat-pocket. After we arrived at the inn, my postillion and I refreshed ourselves : he hung his 46 ORIGINAL TRAVELS, ETC. horn on a peg near the kitchen fire ; I sat on the other side. Snddenly we heard a Tereng ! tereng ! teng ! teng ! We looked around, and now found the reason why the postillion had not been able to sound his horn ; his tunes were frozen up in the horn, and came out now by thawing, plain enough, and much to the credit of the driver ; so that the honest fellow en- tertained us for some time with a variety of tunes, without putting his mouth to the horn — The King of Prussia's March — Over the Hill and over the Dale — with many other favorite tunes : at length the thawing entertainment concluded, as I shall this short account of my Russian travels. Some travellers are ajyt to advance more than is perhaps strictly true j if any of the comjpany enter- tain a doubt of my veracity^ I shall only say to such^ I pity their want of faith^ and must request they will take leave hefore Ihegin the second part of my adventures^ which are as strictly founded in fact as those I have already related. THE CAR ON CARRIES THE COACH ON HIS BACK. TRAVELS OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN. PAR Til. (^lx^)ttx 3t\!tnUx. EMBAEKED at Portsmouth in a first-rate English man-of-war, of one hundred guns, and fourteen hundred men, for North America. - ]^othing worth relating happened till we arrived within three hun- dred leagues of the river St. Lawrence, when the ship struck with amazing force against (as we supposed) a rock ; however, upon heaving the lead, we could find no bottom, even with three hundred fathom. What made this circumstance the more wonderful, and indeed beyond all comprehension, was, that the 48 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF violence of the shock was such that we lost our rud- der, broke our bowsprit in the middle, and split all our masts from top to bottom, two of which went by the board. A poor fellow, who was aloft, furling the main-sheet, was flung at least three leagues from the ship ; but he fortunately saved his life by laying hold of the tail of a large sea-gull, who brought him back, and lodged him on the very spot from whence he was thrown. Another proof of the violence of the shock was the force with which the people between-decks were driven against the floors above them; my head particularly was pressed into my stomach, where it continued some months before it recovered its natural situation. Whilst we were all in a state of astonishment at the general and unac- countable confusion in which we were involved, the whole was suddenly explained by the appearance of a large whale, who had been basking asleep, with- in sixteen feet of the surface of the water. This ani- mal was so much displeased with the disturbance which our ship had given him, for in our passage we had with our rudder scratched his nose, that he beat in all the gallery and part of the quarter-deck with his tail, and almost the same instant took the main- BAKON xMUNCHAUSEN. iO sheet anchor, which was suspended, as it usually is, from the head, between his teeth, and ran away with the ship, at least sixty leagues, at the rate of twelve leagues an hour, when fortunately the cable broke, and we lost both the whale and the anchor. How- ever, upon our return to Europe some months after, we found the same whale within a few leagues of the same spot, floating dead upon the water ; it measured above half a mile in length. As we could take but a small quantity of such a monstrous ani- mal on board, we got our boats out, and with much difficulty cut off his head, where, to our great joy, we found the anchor, and above forty fathom of the cable concealed on the left side of his mouth, just un- der his tongue. [Perhaps this was the cause of his death, as that side of his tongue was much swelled, with a great degree of inflammation.] This was the only extraordinary circumstance that happened on this voyage. One part of our distress, however, I had like to have forgot : while the whale was running away with the ship, she sprung a-leak, and the wa- ter poured in so fast, that all our pumps could not keep us from sinking ; it was, however, my good fortune to discover it first. I found ii a large hole 50 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF about a foot in diameter. You will naturally sup- pose this circumstance gives me infinite pleasure, when I inform you, that this noble vessel was pre- served, with all its crew, by a most fortunate thought ! In short, I sat down over it, and could have dispensed with it had it been larger ; nor will you be surprised when I inform you I am descended from Dutch parents. [The Baron's ancestors have but lately settled there ; in another part of his adven- tures he boasts of royal blood.] My situation, while I sat there, was rather cool, but the carpenter's art soon relieved me. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 51 WAS once in great danger of be- ing lost in a most singular man- ner in the Mediterranean : I was bathing in that pleasant sea near Marseilles, one summer's afternoon, when I discovered a very large fish, with his jaws quite extended, approaching me with the greatest velocity : there was no time to be lost, nor could I possibly avoid him. I immediately reduced myself to as small a size as possible, by clos- ing my feet and placing my hands also near my sides, in which position I passed directly between his jaws, and into his stomach, where I remained some time in total darkness, and comfortably warm as you may imagine: At last it occurred to me, that by giv- ing him pain he would be glad to get rid of me : as I had plenty of room, I played my pranks, such 52 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF as tumbling, hop, step, and jump, &c., but nothing seemed to disturb him so much as the quick motion of mj feet in attempting to dance a hornpipe. Soon after I began, he put me out, by sudden fits and starts. I persevered : at Last he roared horridly, and stood up almost perpendicular in the water, with his head and shoulders exposed, by which he was discovered by the people on board an Italian trader, then sailing by, who harpooned him in a few min- utes. As soon as he was brought on board, I heard the crew consulting how they should cut him up, so as to preserve the greatest ue you, whilst amazement struck tlicm dumb. After taking some refreshment, and jumping into the sea to cleanse mvself, I swam t(» mv clothes, Wiiich la}* where I had left them on the shore. As near as I can calculate, I w^as near four hours and a iialf confined in the stomacU of this animal. 50 54 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF ffiftapt^r §itith* HEN I was in the service of the Turks, I frequently amused my- self in a pleasure-barge on the Marmora, which commands a view of the whole city of Con- stantinople, including the Grand Seignior's seraglio. One morning, as I was admiring the beauty and serenity of the sky, I observed a globular sub- stance in the air, which appeared to be about the size of a twelve-inch globe, with somewhat suspend- ed from it. I immediately took up my largest and longest barrel fowling-piece, which I never travel or make even an excursion without, if I can help it : I charged with a ball, and fired at the globe ; but to no purpose, the object being at too great a distance. I then put in a double quantity of powder, and five or six balls : this second attempt succeeded ; all the ^ BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 55 balls took effect, and tore one side open, and brouglit it down. Judge my surprise, when a most elegant gilt car, with a man in it, and part of a sheep which seemed to have been roasted, fell within two yards of me. When my astonishment had in some degree subsided, I ordered my people to row close to this strange aerial traveller. I took him on board my barge (he was a native of France) : he was much indisposed from his sud- den fall into the sea, and incapable of speaking ; af- ter some time, however, he recovered, and gave the following account of himself, viz. : " About seven or eight days since, I cannot tell which, for I have lost my reckoning, having been most of the time where the sun never sets, I ascended from the Land's End in Cornwall, in the island of Great Britain, in the car from which I have been just taken, suspended from a very large balloon, and took a sheep with me, to try atmospheric experiments upon : unfortu- nately, the wind changed within ten minutes after my ascent ; and, instead of driving towards Exeter, where I intended to land, I was driven towards the sea, over which I suppose 1 have continued ever since, but much too high to make observations. 56 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF " The calls of hunger were so pressing, that the intended' experiments upon heat and respiration gave way to them. I was obliged, on the third day, to kill the sheep for food ; and being at that time infinitely above the moon, and for upwards of six- teen hours after so very near the sun that it scorched my eyebrows, I placed tlie carcass, taking care to skin it first, in that part of the car where the sun had sufficient power, or, in other words, where the balloon did not shade it from the sun, by which method it was well roasted in about two hours. This has been my food ever since." Here he paused, and seemed lost in viewing the objects about him. When I told him the buildings before us were the Grand Seignior's seraglio at Constanti- nople, he seemed exceedingly affected, as he had supposed himself in a very different situation. " The cause," added he, " of my long flight, was owing to the failure of a string which was fixed to a valve in the balloon, intended to let out the in- flammable air; and if it had not been fired at, and rent in the manner before mentioned, I might, like Mahomet, have been suspended between heaven and earth till doomsday." BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 57 The Grand Seignior, to whom I was introduced by the Imperial, Russian, and French ambassadors, employed me to negotiate a matter of great impor- tance at Grand Cairo, and which was of such a na- ture that it must ever remain a secret. I went there in great state hj land ; where, hav- ing completed the business, I dismissed almost all my attendants, and returned like a private gentle- man. The weather was delightful, and that famous river the Nile was beautiful beyond all description ; in short, I was tempted to hire a barge, to descend by water to Alexandria. On the third day of my voyage the river began to rise most amazingly (you have all heard, I presume, of the annual overflowing of the Nile), and on the next day it spread the whole country for many leagues on each side ! On the fifth, at sunrise, my barge became entangled with what I at first took for shrubs ; but as the light became stronger, I found myself surrounded by al- monds, which were perfectly ripe, and in the high- est perfection. Upon plumbing with a line, my people found we were at least sixty feet from the iiTound, and unable to advance or retreat. At about CD ' eight or nine o'clock, as near as I could judge by 58 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF the altitude of the sun, the wind rose suddenly, and canted our barge on one side : here she filled, and I saw no more of her for some time. Fortunately we all saved ourselves (six men and two boys) by clinging to the tree, the boughs of which were equal to our weight, though not to that of the barge : in this situation we continued six weeks and three days, living upon the almonds ; I need not inform you we had plenty of water. On the forty-second day of our distress, the water fell as rapidly as it had risen, and on the forty-sixth we were able to venture down upon terra firma. Our barge was the first pleasing object we saw, about two hundred yards from the spot where she sunk. After drying every thing that was useful by the heat of the sun, and loading ourselves with necessaries from the stores on board, we set out to recover our lost ground ; and found by the nearest calculation, w^e had been carried over garden-walls, and a variety of inclosures, above one hundred and fifty miles. In four days, after a very tiresome journey on foot, with thin shoes, we reached the river, which was now confined to its banks, related our adventures to a boy, who kindly accommodated all our wants, and sent us forward in BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 59 a barge of his own. In six days more we arrived at Alexandria, where we took shipping for Constanti- nople. I was received kindly by the Grand Seignor, and had the honor of seeing the Seraglio, to which his highness introduced me himself. 60 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF dftairt^r S^tttft. ^"^^^rC^^ TJRmG the late siege of Gib- raltar, I went with a provision- fleet under Lord Rodney's command to see my old friend General Elliot, who has, by his T distinguished defence of that place, acquired laurels that can never fade. After the usual joy which generally attends the meeting of old friends had subsided, I went to examine the state of the garrison, and view the operations of the ene- my, for w^hich purpose the General accompanied me. I had brought a most excellent refracting telescope with me from London, purchased of Dollond, by the help of which I found the enemy were going to dis- charge a thirty-six pounder at the spot where we stood. I told the General what they were about ; he looked through the glass also, and found my con- ILVUON MUNCHAUSEN. CI jeciurc's right. I immediately, by his perniissioii, ordercHl ii forty-eight pounder to be brought from a neighboring battery, which I placed with so mucli exactness (having long studied the art of gunnery) ihat I was sure of my mark. 1 continued watching the enemy till I saw the match placed at the touch-liole of their piece ; at that very instant I gave the signal for our gun to be fired also. About midway between the two pieces of cannon, the balls struck each other with amazing force, and the effect was astonishing ! Tlie enemy's ball re- coiled back with such violence as to kill the man who had discharged it, by carrying his head fairly off, with sixteen others, which it met with in its })rogress to the Barbary coast ; where its force, after passing through three masts of vessels that then lay in a line behind each other in the harbor, was so much spent, that it only broke its w^ay through the roof of a poor laboi^r's hut, about two hundred yards inland, and destroyed a few teeth an old wo- man had left, who lay asleep upon her back with her mouth open. The ball lodged in her tliroat. Her husband soon after came home, and endeavored 6 G2 OKIGINAL TKAVELS OF to extract it ; but finding that impracticable, by the assistance of a rammer he forced it into her stomach. Our ball did excellent service ; for it not only re- pelled the other in the manner just described, but, proceeding as I intended it should, it dismounted the very piece of cannon that had just been em- ployed against us, and forced it into the hold of the ship, where it fell with so much force as to break its way through the bottom. The ship immediately filled and sank, with above a thousand Spanish sail- ors on board, besides a considerable number of sol- diers. This, to be sure, was a most extraordinary exploit : I will not, however, take the whole merit to myself; my judgment was the principal engine, but chance assisted me a little ; for I afterwards found, that the man who charged our forty-eight pounder put in, by mistake, a double quantity of powder, else we could never have succeeded so much beyond all expectation, especially in repelling the enemy's ball. General Elliot would have given me a commis- sion for this singular piece of service ; but I de- clined every thing, except his thanks, which I re- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 63 ceived at a crowded table of officers at supper on the eveuing of that very day. As I am very partial to the English, who are be- yond all doubt a brave people, I determined not to take my leave of the garrison till I had rendered them another piece of service, and in about three weeks an opportunity presented itself. I dressed myself in the habit of a Po])ish Priest^ and at about one o'clock in the morning stole out of the garrison, passed the enemy's lines, and arrived in the middle of their camp, where I entered the tent in which the Prince d'Artois was, with the commander-in- chief, and several other officers, in deep council, concerting a plan to storm the garrison next morn- ing. My disguise was my protection ; they suffered me to continue there, hearing every thing that passed, till they went to their several beds. When I found the whole camp, and even the sentinels, were wrapped up in the arms of Morpheus, I began my work, which was that of dismounting all their cannon (above three hundred pieces), from forty- eight to twenty-four pounders, and throwing them three leagues into the sea. Having no assistance, I found this the hardest task I ever undertook, ex- 64: OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF cept swimming to the opposite shore with the fa- mous Turkish piece of ordnance, described bj Baron de Tott in his Memoirs, which I shall hereafter mention. I then piled all the carriages together in the centre of the camp, which, to prevent the noise of the wheels being heard, I carried in pairs under my arms; and a noble appearance they made, as high at least as the rock of Gibraltar. I then light- ed a match, by striking a flint-stone, situated twenty feet from the ground (in an old wall, built by the Moors, when they invaded Spain), with the breech of an iron eight-and-forty pounder, and so set fire to the whole pile. I forgot to inform you, that I threw all their ammunition-wagons upon the top. Before I applied the lighted match, I had laid the combustibles at the bottom so judiciously, that the whole was in a blaze in a moment. To prevent suspicion, I was one of the first to express my sur- prise. The whole camp was, as you may imagine, petrified with astonishment : the general conclusion was, that their sentinels had been bribed, and that seven or eight regiments of the garrison had been employed in this horrid destruction of their artillery. Mr. Drink water, in his account of this famous siege, BARON ML:N('IIAUS1':X. G5 mentions the enemy sustaining a great loss by a lire which happened in their camp, but never knew the cause : how should he ? as I never divulged it be- fore (though I alone saved Gibraltar by this night's business), not even to General Elliot. The Count d'Artois and all his attendants ran away in their fright, and never stopped on the road till they reached Paris, which they did in about a fortnight ; this dreadful conflagration had such an eflect upon them, that they were incapable of taking the least refreshment for three months after, but, chameleon- like, lived upon the air. If any gentleman will say he doubts the trtith of this story ^ I will fine hira a gallon of hrandy^ and make him drink it at one draught. About two months after I had done the besieged. this service, one morning, as I sat at breakfast with General Elliot, a shell (for I had not time to destroy their mortars, as Avell as their cannon) entered the apartment we were sitting in. It lodged upon our table. The General, as most men would do, quitted the room directly ; but I took it up before it burst, 6« 66 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF and carried it to the top of the rock ; when, look- ing over the enemy's camp, on an eminence near the sea-coast, I observed a considerable number of people, but could not, with my naked eye, discover how they were employed. I had recourse again to my telescope, when I found that two of our officers, one a general, the other a colonel, with whom I had spent the preceding evening, and who went out into the enemy's camp about midnight as spies, were taken, and then were actually going to be executed on a gibbet. I found the distance too great to throw the shell with my hand ; but most fortunately recollecting that I had the very sling in my pocket which assisted David in slaying Goliah, I placed the shell in it, and immediately threw it in the midst of them. It burst as it fell, and destroyed all present, except the two culprits, who were saved by being suspended so high, for they were just turned oif : however, one of the pieces of the shell flew with such force against the foot of the gibbet, that it im- mediately brought it down. Our two friends no sooner felt terra firma, than they looked about for the cause ; and, finding their guards, executioner and all, had taken it in their heads to die first, they BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 67 directly extricated each other from their disgraceful cords, and then ran down to the sea-shore, seized a Spanish boat with two men in it, and made them row to one of our ships, which they did with great safety ; and in a few minutes after, when I was j-elating to General Elliot how I had acted, they both took us by the hand, and, after mutual con- gratulations, we retired to spend the day with fes- tivity. C'S ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (S\xix\iiitv (BltvtntU, OU wish (I can see by your coun- tenances) I would inform you how I became possessed of such a treasure as the sling just men- tioned. (Here facts must be lield sacred.) Thus then it was: I am a descen- dant of the wife of Uriah, whom we all know David was intimate with. She had several child- ren by his majesty : they quarrelled once upon a matter of the first consequence, viz., the spot where Noah's ark was built, and where it rested after the flood. A separation consequently ensued. She had often heard him speak of this sling, as his most valuable treasure : this she stole the night they parted ; it was missed before she got out of his dominions, and she was pursued by no less than six of the king's body-guards : however, by using it l^AIIUN MUNCHAUSEN. (J9 herself, she hit the first of them (for one was more active in the pursuit than the rest) where David did Goliah, and killed him on the spot. His compan- ions were so alarmed at his fall, that they retired, and left Uriah's wife to pursue her journey. She took with her, I should have informed you before, her favorite son by this connection, to whom she bequeathed the sling ; and thus it has, without in- terruption, descended from father to son till it came into my possession. One of' its possessors, my great- great-great-grandfather, who lived about two hun- dred and fifty years ago, was upon a visit to Eng- land, and became intimate with a poet, who was a great deer-stealer ; I think his name was Shak- speare : he frequently borrowed this sling, and with it killed so much of Sir Thomas Lucy's venison, that he narrowly escaped the fate of my two friends at Gibraltar. Poor Shakspeare was imprisoned, and my ancestor obtained his freedom in a very singular manner. Queen Elizabeth was then on the throne, but grown so indolent, that every trifling matter was become a trouble to her ; dressing, undressing, eating, drinking, and some other offices, which shall be nameless, made life a burden to her : all these 70 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF ft things lie enabled her to do without, or by a depu- ty ! And what do you think was the only return she could prevail upon him to accept for such eminent services ? Setting Shakspeare at liberty. Such was his affection for that famous writer, that he would have shortened his own days to add to the number of his friend's. I do not hear that any of the queen's subjects, particularly the heef-eaters^ as they are vulgarly called to this day, however they might be struck with the novelty at the time, much approved of her living totally without food. She did not survive the practice herself above seven years and a half. My father, w^ho w^as the immediate possessor of this sling before me, told me the following anec- dote : — He was walking b}'" the sea-shore at Harwich, with this sling in his pocket. Before his paces had covered a mile, he was attacked by a fierce animal, called a sea-horse, open-mouthed, who ran at him with great fury. He hesitated a moment, then took out his sling, retreated back about a hundred yards, stooped for a couple of pebbles, of which there were plenty under his feet, and slung them both so dex BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 71 terously at the animal, that each stone put out an eye, and lodged in the cavities which their removal had occasioned. He now got upon his back* and drove him into the sea ; for the moment he lost his sight, he lost also his ferocity, and became as tamo as possible. The sling was placed as a bridle in his mouth ; he was guided with the greatest facility across the ocean, and in less than three hours they both arrived on the opposite shore, which is about thirty leagues. The master of tlie Three Cups, at Helvoetsluys, in Holland, purchased this marine horse to make an exhibition of, for seven hundred ducats, which w^as upwards of three hundred pounds ; and the next day my father paid his pas sage back in the packet to Harwich. 1^^ My father made several curious observations in this passage^ which I will relate hereafter. 72 OEIGINAL TRAVELS OF (RMvln ®w^Utft, .^^ HIS famous sling makes the pos- sessor equal to any task he is desirous of performing. I made a balloon of such ex- ^ \ tensive dimensions, that an ac- count of the silk it contained would exceed all credibility : every mercer's shop and weaver's stock in London, Westminster, and Spitalhelds, contrib- uted to it. With this balloon and my sling I played many tricks, such as taking one house from its sta- tion, and placing another in its stead, without dis- turbing the inhabitants, who were generally asleep, or too much employed to observe the peregrina- tions of their habitations. When the sentinel at Windsor castle heard St. Paul's clock strike thir- teen, it was through my dexterity ; I brought the buildings nearly together that night, by placing the BAKON MUNCHAUSEN'. 73 castle in St. George's Fields, and carried it back again before daylight, without waking any of the inhabitants. JSTotwithstanding these exploits, I should have kept my balloon and its properties a secret, if Montgollier had not made the art of flying so public. On the 30th of September, when the College of Physicians chose their annual officers, and dined sumptuously together, I filled my balloon, brought it over the dome of their building, clapped the sling round the golden ball at the top, fastening the other end of it to the balloon, and immediately ascended with the whole college to an immense height, where I kept them upwards of three months. You will naturally inquire what they did for food such a length of time? To this I answer — Had I kept them suspended twice the time, they would have experienced no inconvenience on that account, so amply, or rather extravagantly, had they spread their table for that day's feasting. Though this was meant as an innocent frolic, it was productive of much mischief to several respect- able characters among the clergy, undertakers, sex- tons, and grave-diggers. They were, it must be 74 OKlGmAL TRAVELS OF acknowledged, sufferers ; for it is a well known fact that during the three months the college w^as sus- pended in the air, and therefore incapable of attend- ing their patients, no deaths happened, except a few who fell before the scvthe of Father Time, and some melancholy objects, who, perhaps to avoid some trifling inconvenience here, laid the hands of violence upon themselves, and plunged into misery infinitely greater than that which they hoped by such a rash step to avoid, without a moment's con- sideration. If the apothecaries had not been very active dur- ing the above time, half the undertakers, in all prob- ability, would have been bankrupts. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 76 (R1x^iit(v W\xxvtttnt\i. E all remember Capt. Phipps's (now Lord Mulgrave) last voy- age of discovery to the north. I accompanied the captain, not as an officer, but a private friend. When we arrived in a high northern latitude, I was viewing the objects around me with the telescope which I introduced to your notice in my Gibraltar adventures. I thought I saw two large white bears in violent ac- tion upon a body of ice considerably above the masts, and about half a league distance. I immedi- ately took my carbine, slung it across my shoulder, and ascended the ice. When I arrived at the top, the unevenness of the surface made my approach to those animals troublesome and hazardous beyond expression : sometimes hideous cavities opposed me, 76 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF which I was obliged to spring over ; in other parts the surface was as smooth as a mirror, and I was continually falling. As I approached near enough to reach them, I fonnd they were only at play. 1 immediately began to calculate the value of their skins, for they were each as hii-ge as a well-fed ox. Unfortunately, at the very ii. extant I was presenting my carbine, my right foot slipped, I fell upon my back, and the violence of the blow deprived me to- tally of my senses for nearly half an hour : however, when I recovered, judge of my surprise at finding one of those large animals I have been just describ- ing had turned me upon my face, and was just lay- ing hold of the waistband of my breeches, which were then new and made of leather. He was cer- tainly going to carry me feet foremost, God knows where, when I took this knife [showing a large clasp-knife] out of my side-pocket, made a chop at one of his hind-feet, and cut off three of his toes : he immediately let me drop and roared most horridly. I took up my carbine and fired at him as he ran off : he fell directly. The noise of the piece roused sev- eral thousand of these white bears, who were asleep upon the ice within half a mile of me : they came I7IT iJARox .\[L'Xciial:sex. -77 immediately to the spot. There was no time to be lost. A most fortunate thought arrived in my peri- 3ranium just at that instant. I took off the skin and head of the dead bear in half the time that some people would be in skinning a rabbit, and wrapped myself in it, placing my own head directly under Bruin's: the whole herd came round me immedi- ately, and my apprehensions threw me into a most piteous situation to be sure. However, my scheme turned out a most admirable one for my own safety. They all came smelling, and evidently took me for a brother Bruiii ; I wanted nothing but bulk to make an excellent counterfeit : however, I saw several cubs amongst them not much larger than myself. After they had all smelt me, and the body of their de- ceased companion, whose skin was now become my protecter, we seemed very sociable, and I found I could mimic all their actions tolerably well ; but at growling, roaring, and hugging, they were quite my masters. I began now to think how I might turn the general confidence which I had created amongst these animals to my ad- vantage. I had heard an old army surgeon say, a wound in 78 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF the spine was instant death. I now determined to try the experiment, and had again recourse to my knife, with which I stuck the largest in the back of the neck, near the shoulders, but under great apprehen- sions, not doubting but the creature would, if he sur- vived the stab, tear me to pieces. However, I was remarkably fortunate ; for he fell dead at my feet without making the least noise. I was now re- solved to demolish them every one in the same manner, which I accomplished without the least difficulty ; for although they saw their companions fall, they had no suspicion of either the cause or the effect. When they all lay dead before me, I felt myself a second Samson, having slain my thousands. To make short of the story, I went back to the ship, and borrowed three parts of the crew to assist me in skinning them, and carrying the hams on board, which we did in a few hours, and loaded the ship with them. As to the other parts of the animals, they were thrown into the sea, though I doubt not but the whole would eat as well as the legs, were they properly cui-ed. As soon as we returned, I sent some of the hams, BAKOX MUN'CHAUSEN, 79 in the captain's name, to the Lords of the Admiralty, others to the Lords of the Treasury, some to the Lord Mayor and Corporation of London, a few to eacli of the trading companies, and the remainder to my particular friends, from all of whom I received warm thanks ; but from the city I was honored with substantial notice, viz., an invita- tion to dine at Guildhall annually on Lord May- or's Day. The bear-skins I sent to the Empress of Russia to 'clothe her majesty and her court in winter, for which she wrote me a letter of thanks with her own hand, and sent it by an ambassador extraordinary, inviting me to share the honors of her bed and crown ; but as I never was ambitious of royal digni- ty, I declined her majesty's favor in the politest terms. The same ambassador had orders to wait and bring my answer to her majesty personally^ upon which business he was absent about three months. Her majesty's reply convinced me of the strength of her affections, and the dignity of her mind : her late indisposition was entirely owing (as she, kind creature ! was pleased to express herself in a late conversation with the Prince Dolgoroucki) 80 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF to my cruelty. What the sex see in me I cannot conceive, but the Empress is not the only female sov- ereign who has offered me her hand. Some people have very illiberally reported, that Captain Phipps did not proceed as far as he might have done upon that expedition. Here it becomes my duty to acquit him ; our ship was in a very proper trim, till I loaded it with such an immense quantity of bear-skins and hams, after which it would have been madness to have attempted to proceed further, as we were now scarcely able to combat a brisk gale, much less those mountains of ice which lay in the higher latitudes. The captain has since often expressed a dissatis- faction that he had no share in the honors of that day, which he emphatically called the hear-sTcin day. He has also been very desirous of knowing by what art I destroyed so many thousands, without fatigue or danger to myself : indeed, he is so ambitious of di- viding the glory with me, that we have actually quar- relled about it, and we are not now upon speaking terms. He boldly asserts I had no merit in deceiv- ing the bears, because I was covered with one of their skins ; nay, he declares there is not, in his opin- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 81 ion, in Europe, so complete a bear naturally as him- self among the human species. He is now a noble peer, and I am too well ac- quainted with good manners to dispute so delicate a point with his lordship. 82 ORIGINAL TKAVELS OF (RUMhUx |0Ut?t^^tttft. AEON DE TOTT, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade of a single act, as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing the different parts of the globe : for my part, if 1 had been blown from Europe to Asia, from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted less of it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turk- ish piece of ordnance. What he says of this won- derful gun, as near as my memory will serve me, is this — " The Turks had placed below the castle, and near the city, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous piece of ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of eleven hundred pounds weight. " I was inclined," says Tott, " to fire it, but I was willing first to judge of its effect. The BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 83 crowd about me trembled at this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not only the castle, but the city also ; at length their fears in part subsided, and I was permited to discharge it. It required not less than three hundred and thirty pounds weight of powder; and the ball weighed, as before men- tioned, eleven hundred weight. When the engi- neer brought the priming, the crowds who were about me retreated back as fast as they could ; nay, it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded the Pacha, who came on purpose, there was no danger : even the engineer who was to discharge it by my direction, was considerably alarmed. I took my stand on some stone work behind the cannon, gave the signal, and felt a sliock like that of an earthquake. At the distance of three hundred fathom, the ball burst into three pieces ; the frag- ments crossed the strait, rebounded on the opposite mountain, and left the sui-face of the water all in a foam, tlirough the whole breadth of the channel." This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, I^aron Tott's account of the largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not long b i.ce, the anecdote uf Tott's tiring this tremendous 84 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF piece was mentioned as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage. I was determined not to be outdone by a French- man ; therefore took this very piece upon my shoul- der, and, after balancing it properly, jumped into the sea with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence I unfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place. I say unfortunately, for it slipped a little in my hand, just as I was going to discharge it, and in consequence of that, it fell into the middle of the channel, where it now lies, with- out a prospect of ever recovering it : and notwith- standing the high favor I was in with the Grand Seignior, as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he heard of the loss of his famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off my head. I was immediately informed of it by one of the Sul- tanas, with whom 1 was become a great favorite, and she secreted me in her apartment while the officer charged with my execution was, with his assistants, in search of me. That very niglit I made my escape on board a ves- sel bound to Venice, which was then weighing an- chor to proceed on her voyage. BAROX MUXCHAUSKX. 85 The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of men- tioning, as I miscarried in the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the bargain ; how- ever, as it contains no impeachment of my honor, I would not withhold it from yon. Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity. I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncing Tott. His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland ; his profession was that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys, vulgarly called a scav- enger. His mother was a native of the mountains of Savoy, and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck, common to both sexes in that part of the ♦vorld. She left her parents when young, and sought her fortune in the same city which gave his father birth. She maintained herself while single by acts of kindness to our sex, for she never was known to refuse them any favor they asked, pro- vided they did but pay her some compliment before- hand. This lovely couple met by accident in the street, in consequence of their being both intoxica- ted ; for, by reeling to one centre, they threw each 86 OUIGINAL TUAVELS OF other down. Tliis created mutual abuse, in which they were complete adepts : they were both carried to the watch-house, and afterwards to the liouse of correction. They soon saw the folly of quarrelling, and made it up, became fond of each other, and married ; but madam returning to her old tricks, his father, who had high notions of honor, soon separated himself from her: she then joined a fami- ly who strolled about with a puppet-show. In time she arrived at Rome, where she kept an oyster- stand. You have all heard, no doubt, of Pope Ganganelli, commonly called Clement XI Y. ; he was remarkably fond of oysters. One Good Friday, as he was passing through this famous city in state, to assist at high mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman's oysters (which were remarkably fine and fresh) ; he could not proceed w^ithout tasting them. Tliere were about five thousand people in his train ; he ordered them all to stop, and sent word to the church he could not attend mass till next day : then alighting from his horse (for the Pope always rides on horseback upon ihese occasions) he went into her stall, and ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired into the cellar where she had a BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 87 few more. This aubterraneous apartment was her kitchen, parlor, and bedchamber. He liked his sit- MAJOK-S nation so mnch that he dis- 1^ charged all his ft|^ attendants, and, to make a short story, His Ho- iness passed the night there. 88 ORIGINAL TKAVELS OF fflftapt^r iiUHXitU. OMITTED several very material parts in my father's journey across the English Channel to Holland, which, that they may not be total- ly lost, I will now faithfully give you in his own words, as I heard him relate them to his friends several times. " On my arrival," says my father, " at Helvoet- sluys, I was observed to breathe with some difficul- ty : upon the inhabitants inquiring into the cause, I informed them that the animal upon whose back I rode from Harwich across to their shore, did not swim ! Such is their peculiar form and disposition, that they cannot float or move upon the surface of the water; he ran with incredible swiftness upon the sands from shore to sliore, dj-iviiioj fish in millions before him, many of which wore quite different BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 89 from any I had yet seen, carrying their heads at the extremity of their tails. I crossed," continued he, " one prodigious range of rocks, equal in height to the Alps (the tops or highest part of these marine moun- tains are said to be upwards of one hundred fathoms below the surface of the sea), on the sides of which there were a great variety of tall, noble trees, load- ed with marine fruit, such as lobsters, crabs, oysters, scollops, muscles, cockles, &c., &c. ; some of which were a cart-load singly ! and none less than a por- ter's ! All those which are brought on shore, and sold in our markets, are of an inferior dwarf kind, or properly, waterfalls, i. e. fruits shook off the branch- es of the tree it grows upon, by the motion of the water, as those in our gardens are by that of the wind. The lobster-tree appeared the richest, but the crab and oysters were the tallest. The periwinkle is a kind of shrub ; it grows at the foot of the oyster- tree, and twines round it as the ivy does the oak. I observed the effect of several accidents by ship- wreck, &c., particularly a ship that had been wreck- ed by striking against a mountain or rock, the top of which lay within three fathoms of the surface. As she sunk, she fell upon her side, and forced a very 8» 90 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF large lobster-ti*ee out of its place. It was in the spring, when the lobsters were very young, and many of them being separated by the violence of the shock, they fell upon a crab-tree which was growing below them ; they have, like the farina of plants, united, and produced a fish resembling both. I en- deavored to bring one with me, but it was too cum- bersome, and my salt-water Pegasus seemed much displeased at every attempt to stop his career whilst I continued upon his back: besides, I was then, though galloping over a mountain of rocks that lay about midway the passage, at least five hundred fathoms below the surface of the sea, and began to find the want of air inconvenient ; therefore I had no inclination to prolong the time. Add to this, my sit- uation was in other respects very unpleasant : I met many large fish, who were, if I could judge by their open mouths, not only able, but really wished to de- vour us : now, as my Rosinante was blind, I had these hungry gentlemen's attempts to guard against, in addition to to my other difficulties. " As we drew near the Dutch shore, and the body of water over our heads did not exceed twenty fath- oms, I thought I saw a human figure in a female BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 91 dress then lying on tlie sand before nie with some signs of life : when I came close I perceived her hand move : I took it into mine, and brought her on shore as a corpse. An apothecary, who had just been instructed by Dr. Hawes [the Baron's father must have lived very lately, if Dr. Hawes was his precep- tor] of London, treated her properly, and she recov- ered. She was the rib of a man who commanded a vessel belonging to Helvoetsluys. He was just go- ing out of port on a voyage, when she, hearing he liad got a mistress with liim, followed him in an open boat. As soon as she liad got on the quarter-deck, she flew at her husband, and attempted to strike him with sucli impetuosity, that he thought it most prudent to slip on one side, and let her make the im- pression of her fingers upon the waves rather than his face. He was not much out in his ideas of the i .>nsec|uence ; for meeting no opposition, she went directly overboard, and it was my unfortunate lot to lay the foundation for bringing this happy pair too:etlier ao:ain. " I can easily conceive what execrations the hus- band loaded me with, when, on his return, he found this gentle creature waiting his arrival, and learned 92 oKIGINAL TRAVELS OF tlie means by which she came into the woi-ld again. However, great as the injury is whicli I have done this poor devil, I hope he will die in charity with me, as my motive was good, though the consequences to him are, it must be confessed, horrible." BAK(J.\ MUiNCIlAUc^tiN. i&Hx^Htx ^x%tttnt\x. K my return from Gibraltar, I travelled by way of France to England. Being a foreigner, tlii8 was not attended with any ^-:^r^^s^^^^^^^ inconvenience to me. I found in the harbor of Calais a ship just arrived, with a number of English sailors, as prisoners of war. I im- mediately conceived an idea of giving these brave fellows their liberty, which I accomplished as fol- lows. After forming a pair of large wrings, each of them forty yards long, and fourteen wide, and annex- ing them to myself, I mounted at break of day, when every creature, even the watch upon deck, was fast asleep. As I hovered over the ship, I fastened three grappling irons to the tops of the three masts, with my sling, and fairly lifted her several yards out of the water, and then proceeded across to Dover, where I 1)1 okigi:nal tkavels of arrived in lialf an hour. Having no further occasion for these wings, I made them a present to the gover- nor of Dover Castle, where they are now exhibited to the curious. As to the prisoners, and the Frenchmen who guarded them, they did not awake till they had been near two hours on Dover Pier. Tlie moment the English -understood their situation, they changed places with their guard, and took back what they had been plundered of; but no more, for they were too generous to retaliate, and plunder them in return. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 95 i^^ N a voyage which I made to the A^ East Indies with Captain Hamil- ton, I took a favorite pointer with me. He was, to use a common phrase, worth his weight in gold, for he never deceived me. One day when we were, by the best observations we could make, at least three hundred leagues from land, my dog pointed. I observed him for near an hour with astonishment, and mentioned the circumstance to the captain and every officer on board, asserting that we must be near land, for my dog smelt game. This occasioned a general laugh ; but that did not alter in the least the good opinion I had of my dog. After much conversation pro and co?i, I boldly told the captain, I placed more confidence in Tray's nose, than I did in the eyes of every seaman on board ; 96 OlilGLXAL TlvAVELS OF and therefore boldly proposed laying the sum I had agreed to pay for my passage (viz., one hundred guineas) that we should find game within half an hour. The captain (a good hearty fellow) laughed again, desired Mr. Crawford, the surgeon, who was prepared, to feel my pulse ; he did so, and reported me in perfect health. The following dialogue be- tween them took place ; I overheard it, though spo- ken low, and at some distance. Captain. His brain is turned ; I cannot with honor accept his wager. Surgeon. I am of a different opinion ; he is quite sane, and depends more upon the scent of his dog, than he will npon the judgment of all tlie officers on board : he will certainly lose, and he richly merits it. Captain. Such a wager cannot be fair on my side. However, I'll take him up, if I return his money afterwards. During the above conversation. Tray continued in the same situation, and confirmed me still more in my former opinion. I proposed the wager a second time : it was then accepted. Done ! and done ! were scarcely said on both sides, BARON MUNCHAUSEN, 97 when some sailors who were fishing in the long- boat, which was made fast to the stern of the ship, harpooned an exceedingly large shark, which they brought on board and began to cut up for the pur- pose of barrelling the oil, when, behold, they found no less than six 'brace of live ^arti'idges in this ani- mal's stomach. They had been there so long in that situation, that one of the hens was sitting upon four eggs, and a fifth was hatching when the shark was opened. This young bird we brought up, by placing it with a litter of kittens that came into the world a few minutes before. The old cat was as fond of it as any of her own four-legged progeny, and made herself very unhappy when it flew out of her reach till it returned again. As to the other partridges, there were four hens among them : one or more were, during the voyage, constantly sitting, and consequently we had plenty of game at the cap- tain's table ; and in gratitude to poor Tray (for be- ing the means of winning one hundred guineas), I ordered him the bones daily, and sometimes a whole bird. 98 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (ffiftuptjer (Bxtilxtttntlx. z^^ HAYE already informed you of one trip I made to the Moon, in search of my silver hatchet ; I af- terwards made another in a much pleasanter manner, and stayed in it long enough to take notice of several things, which I will endeavor to describe as accurately as my memory will permit. I went on a voyage of discovery, at the request of a distant relation, who had a strange notion that there were people to be found equal in magnitude to those described by Gulliver in the empire of Beob- DiGNAG. For my part, I always treated that ac- count as fabulous ; however, to oblige him, for he had made me his heir, I undertook it, and sailed for the South Seas, where we arrived without meet- ing witli any thing remarkable, except some flying BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 99 men and women who were playing at leap-frog, and dancing minuets in the air. On the eigliteenth day after we had passed the island of Otaheite, mentioned by Captain Cook as the place from whence they brought Omai, a hurri- cane blew our ship at least one thousand leagues above the surface of the water, and kept it at that height till a fresh gale arising tilled the sails in every part, and onward we travelled at a prodigious rate. Thus we proceeded above the clouds for six weeks". At last we discovered a great land in the sky, like a shining island, round and bright ; where, coming in- to a convenient harbor, we went on shore, and soon found it was inhabited. Below us we saw another earth, containing cities, trees, mountains, rivers, seas, &c., which we conjectured was this world which we had left. Here we* saw huge figures riding upon vultures of a prodigious size, and each of them having three heads. To form some idea of the magnitude of these birds, I must inform you that each of their wings is as wide and six times the length of the main-sheet of our vessel, which was about six hundred tons burden. Thus, instead of riding upon horses, as we do in this world, the in- 100 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF habitants of the Moon (for we now found we were in Madam Luna) fly about on these birds. The king, we found, was engaged in a war with the Sun, and he ofl:ered me a commission, but I declined the honor his majesty intended me. Every thing in this world is of extraordinary magnitude ; a common flea being much larger than one of our sheep. In making war, their principal wea]3ons are radishes, which are used as darts : those who are wounded by them die immediately. Their shields are made of mushrooms, and their darts (when radishes are out of season) of the tops of asparagus. Some of the natives of the Dog-star are to be seen here ; com- merce tempts them to ramble : their faces are like large mastiff's, with their eyes near the lower end or tip of their noses : they hav^e no eyelids, but cover their eyes with the end of their tongues when they go to sleep : they are generally twenty feet high. As to the natives of the Moon, none of them are less in stature than thirty-six feet: they are not called the human species, but the cooking animals, for they all dress their food by fire, as \yq do, but lose no time at their meals, as they open their left side, and place the whole quantity at once in their BARON MUNCHAUf?EN. '-lOi stomach, then shut it again till the same day in the next month; for they never indulge themselves with food more than twelve times a year, or once a month'. All but gluttons and epicures must pre- fer this method to ours. There is but one sex either of the cooking or any other animals in the Moon ; they are all produced from trees of various size and foliage : that which produces the cooking animal, or human species, is much more beautiful than any of the other ; it has large straight boughs and flesh-colored leaves, and the fruit it produces are nuts or pods, with hard shells at least two yards long ; when they become ripe, which is known from their changing color, they are gathered with great care, and laid by as long as they think proper : when they choose to animate the seed of these nuts, they throw them into a cal- dron of boiling water, which opens the shells in a few hours, and out jumps the creature. Nature forms their minds for different pursuits before they come into the world; from one shell comes forth a warrior, from another a philosopher, from a third a divine, from a fourth a lawyer, from a fifth a farmer, from a sixth a clown, &c. &c., and 9» 102 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF each of them iiniiiediately bcghi t(j perfect them- selves, by practising what they before knew only in theory. When they grow old, they do not die, but turn into air, and dissolve like smoke ! As for their drink, they need none ; the only evacuations they have are insensible, and by their breath. They have but one finger upon each hand, with which they per- form every thing in as perfect a manner as we do who have four besides the thumb. Their heads are placed under their right arm ; and when they are going to travel, or about any violent exercise, they generally leave them at home, for they can consult them at any distance. This is a very common prac- tice ; and when those of rank or quality among the Lunarians have an inclination to see what's go- ing forward among the common peo23le, they stay at home, i. e. the body stays at home, and sends the head only, which is suffered to be present incog. ^ and return at pleasure with an account of what has passed. The stones of their grapes are exactly like hail ; and I am perfectly satisfied that when a storm or high wind in the moon shakes their vines, and BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 103 breaks the grapes from tlie stalks, the stones fall down and form onr hail-showers. I would advise those who are of my opinion to save a quantity of these stones when it hails next, and make Lunarian wine. It is common beverage at St. Luke's. Some material circumstances I had nearly omitted. Tliey put their bellies to the same use as w^e do a sack, and throw whatever they have occasion for into it, for they can shut and open it again when they please, as they do their stomachs. They are not troubled with bowels, liver, heart, or any other in- testines ; neither are they encumbered with clothes, nor is there any part of their bodies unseemly or indecent to exhibit. Their eyes they can take in and out of their places when they please, arid can see as well with them in their hands as in their heads ! and if hy any ac- cident they lose or damage one, they can borrow or purchase another, and see as clearly with it as their own. Dealere in eyes are on that account very nu- merous in most i^arts of the Moon, and in this arti- cle alone all the inhabitants are whimsical : some- times green and sometimes yellow eyes are the fashion. I know these things appear strange ; but 104 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF if the shadow of a doubt can remain on any per- son's mind, I say, let him take a voyage there himself, and then he will know I am a traveller of veracity. lira BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 105 (^\xix\)itx W^wtUtnilt, first visit to England was about the beginning of the present king's reign. I had occasion to go down to Wapping, to see some goods shipped, which I was sending to some friends at Hamburg : after that business was over, I took the Tower Wharf in my way back. Here I found the sun very powerful, and I was so much fa- tigued that I stepped into one of the cannon to compose me, where I fell fast asleep. Tliis was about noon. It was the fourth of June : exactly at one o'clock these cannon were all discharged in memory of the day. They had been all charged that morning ; and having no suspicion of my situation, I Avas shot over the houses on the op- posite side of the river, into a farmer's yard, be- 100 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF tween Bermondsey and Deptfort, where I fell upon a large hay-stack, without waking, and continued there in a sound sleep till hay became so extrava- gantly dear (which was about three months after), that the farmer found it his interest to send his whole stock to market. The stack I was reposing upon was the largest in the yard, containing above five hundred load : they began to cut that first. I waked with the voices of the people who had as- cended the ladders to begin at the top, and got uj), totally ignorant of my situation : in attempting to run away, I fell upon the farmer to whom the hay belonged, and broke his neck, yet received no injury myself. I afterwards found, to my great consolation, that this fellow was a most detest- able character, always keeping the produce of his grounds for extravagant markets. BARON MUNCHAUSEN, 107 (filtt^tpt^v W\vt\xixH\i. E. DRYBONES' travels to Sicily, which I had read with great pleasure, in- duced me to pay a visit to - Mount Etna: my voyage to this place was not attended with any circum- stances worth relating. One morning early, tliree or four days after my arrival, I set out from a cottage where I had slept, witliin six miles of the foot of the mountain, determined to explore the internal parts, if I perished in the attempt. After three hours' hard labor, I found myself at the top. It was then, and had been for upwards of three weeks, raging : its appearance in this state has been so frequently noticed by different travellers, that I will not tire you with descriptions of objects you are already ac- quainted with. I walked round the edge of tlie 108 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF crater, which appeared to be lifty times at least as capacious as the Devil's Punch-Bowl near Peters- field, on the Portsmouth Road, but not so broad at the bottom, as in that part it resembles the con- tracted part of a funnel more than a punch-bowl. At last, having made up my mind, in I sprang, feet foremost. I soon found myself in a warm berth, and my body bruised and burned in various parts by the red-hot cinders, which, by their violent ascent opposed my descent : however, my weight soon brought me to the bottom, where I found myself in the midst of noise and clamor, mixed with the most horrid imprecations. After recovering my senses, and feeling a reduction of my pain, I began to look about me. Guess, gentlemen, my astonishment, when I found myself in the company of Yulcan and his Cyclops, who had been quarrelling for the three weeks before mentioned, about the observation of good order and due subordination, and which had occasioned such alarms for that space of time in the world above. However, my arrival restored peace to the whole society, and Yulcan himself did me the honor of applying plasters to my wounds, which healed them immediately ; he also placed refresli- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 109 meuts before me, particularly nectar, and other rich wines, such as the gods and goddesses only aspire to. After this repast was over, Yulcan ordered Yenus to show me every indulgence which my sit- uation required. To describe the apartment and the couch on which I reposed, is totally impossible, therefore I will not attempt it ; let it suffice to say, it exceeds the power of language to do it jus- tice, or speak of that kind-hearted goddess in any terms equal to her merit. Yulcan gave me a very concise account of Mount Etna. He said it was nothing more than an accu- mulation of ashes thrown from his forge ; that he was frequently obliged to chastise his people, at whom, in 'his passion, he made it a practice to throw red-hot coals at home, which they often par- ried with great dexterity, and then threw them up into the world, to place them out of his reach, for they never attempted to assault him in return, by throwing them back again. " Our quarrels," added he, '^ last sometimes three or four months, and these appearances of coals or cinders in the world are what I find you mortals call eruptions." Mount Yesuvius, he assured me, was another of his shops, 10 110 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF to wliich he had a passage three hundred and fifty leagues under tlie bed of the sea, where similar quarrels produced similar eruptions. I should have continued liere as an humble attendant uj)on Madam Yenus ; but some busy tattlers, who delight in mischief, whispered a tale in Yulcan's ear, which roused in him a fit of jealousy not to be appeased. Without the least previous notice, he took me one morning under his arm, as I was waiting upon Yenus, agreeable to custom, and carried me to an apartment I had never before seen, in which there was, to all appearance, a well^ with a wide mouth : over this he held me at arm's length, and saying, " Ungrateful mortal^ return to the world from whence you came^^ without giving me the least op- portunity of reply, dropped me in the centre. I found myself descending with an increasing rapidi- ty, till the horror of my mind deprived me of all re- flection. I suppose I fell into a trance, from which I was suddenly roused by plunging into a large body of water illuminated by the rays of the sun. I could, from my infancy, swim well, and play tricks in the water. I now found myself in Para- dise, considering the horrors of mind I had just been BARON MUNCHAUSEN. Ill released from. After looking about me some time, I could discover nothing but an expanse of sea, ex- tending beyond the eye in every direction; I also found it very cold, a different climate from Master Ynlcan's shop. At last I observed at some distance, a body of amazing magnitude, like a huge rock, approaching me. I soon discovered it to be a piece of floating ice. I swam round it till I found a place where I could ascend to the top, which I did, but not without some difficulty. Still I was out of sight of land, and despair returned wdth double force ; however, before night came on, I saw a sail, which we approached very fast. When it was within a very small distance, I hailed them in German ; they answered in Dutch. I then flung myself into the sea, and they threw out a roj^e, by which I was taken on board. I now inquired where we were, and was informed in the great Southern Ocean ; this opened a discovery which removed all my doubts and difficulties. It was now evident that I had passed from Mount Etna through the centre of the earth to the South Seas : this, gentlemen, was a much shorter cut than going round the world, and which no man has accomplished, or ever at- 112 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF tempted, but myself: however, the next time I per- form it, I will be much more particular in my ob- servation. I took so;xie refreshment, and went to rest. The Dutch are a very rude sort of peoj)le : I related the Etna passage to the officers, exactly as I have done to you, and some of them, particularly the Captain, seemed by his grimace and half-sentences to doubt my veracity ; however, as he had kindly taken me on board his vessel, and was then in the very act of administering to my necessities, I pocketed the af- front. I now in my turn began to inquire where they were bound. To which they answered, they were in search of new discoveries ; " and if^'' said they, " your story is trice ^ a new passage is really discov- ered^ and we shall not return disappointed.^'^ We were now exactly in Captain Cook's first track, and arrived the next morning in Botany Bay. This place I would by no means recommend to the Eng- lish government as a receptacle for felons, or place of punishment ; it should rather be the reward of merit, nature having most bountifully bestowed her best gifts upon it. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 11 3 We stayed here but three days : the fourth after our departure a most dreadful storm arose, which in a few hours destroyed all our sails, splintered our bowsprit, and brought down our topmast; it fell directly upon the box that inclosed our compass, which, with the compass, was broken to pieces. Every one who has been at sea, knows the conse- quences of such a misfortune. We now were at a loss where to steer. At length the storm abated, which was followed by a steady brisk gale, that carried us at least forty knots an hour for six months [we should suppose the Baron has made a little mistake, and substituted months for days]^ when we began to observe an amazing change in eveiy thing about us : our spirits became light, our noses were regaled with the most aromatic effluvia im- aginable : the sea had also changed its complexion, and from green became white. Soon after these wonderful alterations we saw land, and not at any great distance an inlet, w^hich we sailed up near sixty leagues, and found it wide and deep, flowing- wit h milk of the most delicious taste. Here we landed, and soon found it was an island consisting of one large cheese : we discovered this by one of io« 114 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF the company fainting away as soon as we landed: this man alwavs liad an aversion to cheese. When he recovered, he desired the cheese to be taken from under his feet: upon examination we found him perfectly right, for the whole island, as before observed, was nothing but a cheese of immense magnitude. Upon this the inhabitants, who are amazingly numerous, principally sustain themselves, and it grows every night in proportion as it is con- sumed in the day. Here seemed to be plenty of vines, with bunches of large grapes, which, upon being pressed, yielded nothing but milk. We saw the inhabitants running races upon the surface of the milk : they were upright, comely figures, nine feet high, have three legs, and but one arm ; up- on the whole, their form was graceful : and when they quarrel, they exercise a straight horn, which OTOws in adults from the centre of their foreheads, with great adroitness ; they did not sink at all, but ran and walked upon the surface of the milk, as w^e do upon a bowling-green. Upon this island of cheese grows great plenty of corn, the ears of which produce loaves of bread, ready made, of a round form like mushrooms. We BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 115 discovered in our rambles over this cheese, seven- teen other rivers of milk, and ten of wine. After thirty-eight days' jonrney, we arrived on the opposite side to that on which we landed : here we found some blue mould, as cheese-eaters call it, from whence spring all kinds of rich fruit ; instead of breeding mites, it produces peaches, nectarines, apricots, and a thousand delicious fruits, which we are not acquainted with. In these trees, which are of an amazing size, were plenty of birds' nests : amongst others w^as a king-fisher's, of prodigious magnitude ; it was at least twice the circumference of the dome of St. Paul's Church in London. Up- on inspection, this nest was made of huge trees curiously joined together ; there were, let me see {^for I make it a rule always to sjpeak within com- pass\ there were upwards of five hundred eggs in this nest, and each of them was as large as four common hogsheads or eight barrels, and we could not only see, but hear the young ones chirping within. Having, with great fatigue, cut open one of these eggs, we let out a young one unfeathered, considerably larger than twenty full-grown vultures. Just as we had given this youngster his liberty, the 116 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF old king-Usher lighted, and seizing our captain, who had been active in breaking the egg, in one of her claws, flew with him above a mile high, and then let him drop into the sea, but not till she had beaten all his teeth out of his mouth with her wings. Dutchmen generally swim well: he soon joined us, and we retreated to our shij). On our return we took a different route, and observed many strange objects. We shot two wild oxen, each with one horn, also like the inhabitants, except that it sprouted from between the eyes of these animals ; we were afterwards concerned at having destroyed them, as we found, by inquiry, they tame these creatures, and use them as we do horses, to ride up- on and draw their carriages ; their flesh, we were informed, is excellent, but useless where people live upon cheese and milk. When we had reached within two days' journey of the ship, we observed three men hanging to a tall tree by their heels; upon inquiring the cause of" their punishment, I found they had all been travellers, and upon their return home had deceived their friends, by describ- ing places they never saw, and relating things that BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 117 never happened : tliis gave me no concern, as I have ever confined myself to facts. As soon as we arrived at the ship, we unmoored, and set sail from this extraordinary country, when, to our astonishment, all the trees upon shore, of which there were a great number very tall and large, paid their respects to us twice, bowing to ex- act time, and immediately recovered their former posture, wliich was quite erect. By what we could learn of this Cheese, it was considerably larger than the continent of all Eu- rope. After sailing three months, we knew not where, being still without compass, we arrived in a sea which appeared to be almost black : upon tasting it, we found it most excellent wine, and had great diffi- culty to keep the sailors from getting drunk with it : however, in a few hours we found ourselves sur- rounded by wdiales and other animals of an immense magnitude ; one of which appeared to be too large for the eye to form a judgment of ; we did not see him till we were close to him. This monster drew our ship, with all her masts standing and sails bent, bv suction into his mouth, between his teeth, which 118 OKlGi:^AL TKxiVELS OF were much larger and taller than the mast of a first-rate man-of-war. After we had been in his mouth some time, he opened it pretty wide, took in an immense quantity of water, and floated our ves- sel, which was at least -^Ye hundred tons burden, in- to his stomach ; here we lay as quiet as at anchor in a dead calm. Tlie air, to be sure, was rather warm and very offensive. We found anchors, cables, boats, and barges in abundance, and a considerable number of ships, some laden and some not, which this creatm-e had swallowed. Every thing was transacted by torch-light ; no sun, no moon, no planet, to make observations from. We were all generally afloat and aground twice a-day : whenever he drank, it became high water with us ; and when he evacuated, we found ourselves aground : upon a moderate computation, he took in more water at a single draught than is generally to be found in the Lake of Geneva, though that is above thirty miles in circumference. On the second day of our con- finement in these regions of darkness, I ventured at low water, as we called it, when the ship was aground, to ramble with the Captain, and a few of the other ofiicers, with lights in our hand ; we met BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 119 with people of all nations, to the amount of upwards of ten thousand ; they were going to hold a council how to recover their liberty ; some of them having lived in this animal's stomach several years : there were several children here who had never seen the world, their mothers having lain in repeatedly in this warm situation. Just as the chairman was go- ing to inform us of the business upon w4iich we were assembled, this plaguy fish, becoming thirsty, drank in his usual manner : the water poured in with such impetuosity, that we were all obliged to retreat to our respective ships immediately, or run the risk of being drowned ; some were obliged to swim for it, and with difficulty saved their lives. In a few hours after, we were more fortunate, we met again just after the monster had evacuated. I was chosen chairman, and the first thing I did was to propose splicing two main-masts together ; and the next time he opened his mouth to be ready to wedge them in, so as to prevent his shutting it. It was unanimously approved. One hundred stout men were chosen upon this service. We had scarce- ly got our masts properly prepared, when an op- portunity offered, tlie monster opened his mouth, 120 OlilGINAL TRAVELS OF immediately the top of the mast was placed against the roof, and the other end pierced his tongue, which efiectually ])revented him from shut- ting his mouth. As soon as every thing in his stom- ach was afloat, we manned a few boats, who rowed themselves and us into the world. The daylight, after, as near as we could judge, three months' con- finement in total darkness, cheered our spirits sur- prisingly. When we had all taken our leave of this capacious animal, we mustered just a fleet of ninety-five ships, of all nations, who had been in this confined situation. We left the two masts in his mouth, to prevent others being confined in the same horrid gulf of darkness and filth. Our first object was to learn what part of the world we were in ; this we were for some time at a loss to ascertain : at last I found, from former observations, that we were in the Cas- pian Sea ! which washes part of the country of the Calmuck Tartars. 'How we came here, it was impos- sible to conceive, as this sea has no communication with any other. One of the inhabitants of the Cheese Island whom I had brought with me, ac- counted for it thus: that the monster, in whose BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 121 stomach we had been so long confined, had carried us here through some subterraneous passage; how- ever, we pushed to shore, and I was the first who landed. Just as I put my foot upon the ground, a large bear leaped upon me with his fore-paws ; I caught one in each hand, and squeezed him till he cried out most lustily ; however, in this position I lield him till I starved him to death. You may laugh, gentlemen, but this was soon accomplished, as I prevented him licking his paws. From hence I travelled up to St. Petersburg a second time : here an old friend gave me a most excellent pointer, de- scended from the famous bitch before mentioned, that littered while she was hunting a hare. I had the misfortune to have him shot soon after by a blundering sportsman, who fired at him instead of a covey of partridges which he had just set. Of this creature's skin I have had this waistcoat made [showing his waistcoat], which always leads me in- voluntarily to game if I walk in the fields in the prop- er season, and when I come within shot, one of the huttons constantly flies off^ and lodges upon the spot where the s'port isj and as the birds rise, being al- ways primed and cocked, I never miss them. Here n 1:^:^ ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF are now but three buttons left. I shall have a new set sewed on against the shooting season com- mences. "When a covej of partridges is clisturbed in this manner, by the button falling amongst them, they always rise from the ground in a direct line before each other. I one day, by forgetting to take my ramrod out of my gun, shot it straight through a leash, as regularly as if the cook had spitted them. I had forgot to put in any shot, and the rod had been made so hot with the powder, that the birds were completely roasted by the time I reached home. Since my arrival in England I have accomplish- ed what I had very much at heart, viz., providing for the inhabitant of the Cheese Island, whom I had brought with me. My old friend, Sir William Chambers, who is entirely indebted to me for all his ideas of Chinese gardening, by a description of which he has gained such high reputation — I say, gentlemen, in a discourse which I had with this gentleman, he seemed much distressed for a contri- vance to light the lamps at the new buildings, Som- erset House ; the common mode with ladders, he BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 123 observed, was both dirty and inconvenient. My native of the Cheese Island popped into my head ; he was only nine feet high when I first brought him from liis own country, but was now increased to ten and a half: I introduced him to Sir William, and he is appointed to that honorable office. lie is also to carry, under a large cloak, a utensil in each coat pocket, instead of those four which Sir William has very properly fixed for private purposes in so conspicuous a situation, the great quadrangle. He has also obtained from Mr. Pitt, the situation of messenger to his Majesty's lords of the bedcham- ber, whose principal employment will now be, di- vulging the secrets of the Eojal Household to their worthy Patron. 124 OKlGmAL TRAVELS OF ^uvvltnxtwt. to be finished soon. BOUT the beginning of his pres- ent Majesty's reign, I had some business with a distant relation who then lived on the Isle of Thanet ; it was a family dispute, and not likely I made it a practice during my residence there, the weather being fine, to walk out every morning. After a few of these excur- sions, I observed an object upon a great eminence about three miles distant : I extended my walk to it, and found the ruins of an ancient temple. I ap- proached it with admiration and astonishment; the traces of grandeur and magnificence which yet re- mained were evident proofs of its former splendor : here I could not help lamenting the ravages and. devastations of time, of which that once noble struc- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 125 tare exhibited such a melancholy proof. I walked round it several times, meditating on the flefeting and transitory nature of all terrestrial things : on the eastern end were the remains of a lofty tower, near forty feet high, overgrown with ivy, the top appar- ently flat. I surveyed it on every side very minute- ly, thinking that if I could gain its summit, I should enjoy the most delightful prospect of the circumja- cent country. Animated with this hope, I resolved, if possible, to gain the summit, which I at length effected by means of the ivy ; though not without great difficulty and danger: the top I found cov- ered with this evergreen, except a large chasm in the middle. After I had surveyed with pleasing wonder the beauties of art and nature that conspired to enrich the scene, curiosity prompted me to sound the opening in the middle, in order to ascertain its depth, as I entertained a suspicion that it might probably communicate with some unexplored sub- terranean cavern in the hill ; but having no line, I was at a loss how to proceed. After revolving the matter in my thoughts for some time, I resolved to drop a stone down and listen to the echo. Having found one that answered my purpose, I placed my- 11- 126 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF self over the liole, with one foot on each side, and stooping down to listen, I dropped the stone, which I had no sooner done than I heard a rustling below, and suddenly a monstrous eagle put up its head right opposite my face, and rising up with irresist- ible force, carried me away seated on its shoulders. I instantly grasped it round the neck, which was large enough to fill my arms ; and its wings, when extended, were ten yards from one extremity to the other. As it rose with a regular ascent, my seat was perfectly easy, and I enjoyed the prospect be- low with inexpressible pleasure. It hovered over Margate for some time, was seen by several people, and many shots were fired at it : one ball hit the heel of my slioe, but did me no injury. It then di- rected its course to Dover Cliff, where it alighted, and I thought of dismounting, but was prevented by a sndden discharge of musketry from a party of marines that were exercisins^ on the beach : the balls flew about my head, and rattled on the feath- ers of the eagle like hailstones ; yet I could not perceive it had received any injury. It instantly reascended and flew over the sea towards Calais ; but so very high that the Channel seemed to be no BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 127 broader than the Thames at London Bridge. In a quarter of an hour I found myself over a thick wood in France, where the eagle descended very rapidly, which caused me to slip down to the back part of its head ; but alighting on a large tree, and raising its head, I recovered my seat as before, but saw no possibility of disengaging myself without the dan- ger of being killed b}^ the fall : so I determined to sit fast, thinking it w^ould carry me to the Alps, or some other high mountain, where I could dismount without any danger. After resting a few minutes, it took wing, flew several times round the wood, and screamed loud enough to be heard across the English Channel. In a few minutes, one of the same species arose out of the wood, and flew direct- ly towards us ; it surveyed me with evident marks of displeasure, and came very near me. After fly- ing several times round, they both directed their course to the southwest. I soon observed that the one I rode upon could not keep pace with the other, but inclined towards the earth, on account of my weight. Its companion perceiving this, turned round and placed itself in such a position that the other could rest its head on its rump : in this manner they 128 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF proceeded till noon, when I saw the rock of Gibral- tar very distinctly. The day being clear, notwith- standing my degree of elevation, the earth's surface appeared just like a map, where land, sea, lakes, rivers, mountains, and the like, were perfectly dis- tinguishable ; and having some knowledge of geog- raphy, I was at no loss to determine w^hat part of the globe I was in. "Whilst I was contemplating this wonderful pros- pect, a dreadful howling suddenly began all around me, and in a moment I was invested by thousands of small, black, deformed, frightful-looking crea- tures, who pressed me on all sides in such a manner that I could neither move hand nor foot: but I had not been in their possession more than ten minutes, when I heard the most delightful music that can possibly be imagined ; which was suddenly changed into a noise, the most awful and tremendous, to -which the report of cannon, or the loudest claps of thunder, could bear no more proportion than the gentle zephyrs of the evening to the most dreadful hurricane : but the shortness of its duration pre- vented all those fatal effects which a prolongation of it would certainly have been attended with. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 129 The music commenced, and I saw a great number of the most beautiful little creatures seize the other part}^, and tlirow them with great violence into something like a snuif-box, which they shut down, and one threw it away with incredible velocity. Then turning to me., he said, they whom he had se- cured were a party of devils, who had wandered from their proper habitation ; and that the vehicle in which they were inclosed would fly with unaba- ting rapidity for ten thousand years, when it would burst of its own accord, and the devils would re- cover their liberty and faculties, as at the present moment. He had no sooner finished this relation than the music ceased, and they all disappeared, leaving me in a state of mind bordering on the con- fines of despair. When I had recomposed myself a little, and looking betore me with inexpressible pleasure, I observed that the eagles were preparing to light on the peak of Teneriffe. They descended on the top of a rock ; but seeing no possible means of escape if 1 dismounted, determined me to remain wliere I was. The eagles sat down seemingly fatigued, when the heat of the sun soon caused them both to 130 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF fall asleep; nor did I long resist its fascinating power. In the cool of the evening, when the sun liad retired below the horizon, I was roused from sleep by the eagle moving under me ; and having stretched myself along its back, I sat up, and reas- sumed my travelling position, when they both took wing, and having placed themselves as before, di- rected their course to South America. The moon shining bright during the whole night, I had a fine view of all the islands in those seas. About the break of day we reached the great continent of America, that part called Terra Firma, and descended on the top of a very high mountain. At this time the moon, far distant in the w^est, and obscured hy dark clouds, but just afforded light sufficient for me to discover a kind of shrubbery all around, bearing fruit something like cabbages, which the eagles began to feed on very eagerly. I endeavored to discover my situation, but fogs and passing clouds involved me in the thickest dark- ness ; and what rendered the scene still more shoclv- ing, was the tremendous howling of wild beasts, some of whicli appeared to be very near : however, I determined to keep my seat, imagining that the BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 131 eagle would cany me away if any of them should make a hostile attempt. When daylight began to appear, I thought of examining the fruit which I had seen the eagles eat ; and as some was hanging, which I could easily come at, I took out my knife and cut a slice ; but how great was my surprise to see that it had all the appearance of roast beef, reg- ularly mixed, both fat and lean ! I tasted it, and found it well flavored and delicious ; then cut sev- eral large slices and put in my pocket, where I found a crust of bread which I had brought from Margate ; took it out, and found three musket-balls that had been lodo-ed in it on Dover Cliff. I ex- tracted them, and cutting a few slices more, made a hearty meal of bread and cold beef fruit. I then cut down two of the largest that grew near me, and tying them together with one of my garters, hung them over the eagle's neck for another occasion, filling my pockets at the same time. While I was settling these affairs, I observed a large fruit like an inflated bladder, which I wished to try an experi- ment upon ; and striking my knife into one of them, a flue pure liquor like Hollands gin gushed out, which the eagles observing, eagerly drank up from 132 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF the ground. I cut down the bladder as fast as I could, and saved about half a pint in the bottom of it, which I tasted, and could not distinguish it from the best mountain wine. I drank it all, and found myself greatly refreshed. By this time the eagles began to stagger against the shrubs. I endeavored to keep my seat, but was soon thrown to some dis- tance among the bushes. In attempting to rise, I put my hand upon a large hedgehog, which hap- pened to lie among the grass upon its back : it in- stantly closed round my hand, so that I found it impossible to shake it off. I struck it several times against the ground without effect ; but while I was thus employed, I heard a rustling among the shrub- bery, and looking up, I saw a huge animal within three yards of me. I could make no defence, but held out both my hands, when it rushed upon me and ^eized -that on which the hedgehog was fixed. My hand being soon relieved, I ran to some dis- tance, where I saw the creature suddenly drop down and expire with the hedgehog in its throat. When the danger was past, I went to view the eagles, and found them lying on the grass fast asleep, being intoxicated- with the liquor they had BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 133 clranlc. Indeed, I found myself considerably eleva- ted by it, and seeing every thing quiet, I began to search for some more, which I soon fomid ; and having cut down two large bladders, about a gallon each, I tied them together, and hung them over the neck of the other eagle ; and two smaller ones I tied with a cord round my own waist. Having se- cured a good stock of provisions, and perceiving the eagles begin to recover, I again took my seat. In half an hour they arose majestically from the place, without taking the least notice of their in- cumbrance. Each reassumed its former station ; and directing their course to the northward, they crossed the Gulf of Mexico, entered North America, and steered directly for the polar regions, which gave me the linest opportunity of viewing this vast continent that can possibly be imagined. Before we entered the frigid zone, the cold began to affect me; but piercing one of my bladders, I took a draught, and found that it could make no impression on m.e afterwiu*ds. Passing over Hud- son's Bay, I saw several of the Companj^'s sliips lying at anchor, and many tribes of Indians march- ing with their furs to market. 12 134r OKIGINAL TKAVELS OF By this time I was so reconciled to my seat, and become such an expert rider, that I could sit up and look around me ; but in general I lay along the eagle's neck, grasping it in my arms, with my hands immersed in its feathers, in order to keep them warm. In these cold climates I observed that the eaajles flew with greater rapidity, in order, I suppose, to keep their blood in circulation. In passing Baffin's Bay I saw several large Greenlandmen to the east- ward, and many surprising mountains of ice in those seas. AVhile I was surveying these wonders of nature, it occurred to me that this was a good opportunity to discover the northwest passage, if any such thing existed, and not only obtain the reward of- fered by government, but the honor of a discovery pregnant with so many advantages to every Euro- pean nation. But while my thoughts were ab- sorbed in this pleasing reverie, I -was alarmed by the first eagle striking its head against a solid, trans- parent substance ; and in a moment that which I rode experienced the same fate, and both fell down seemingly dead. EAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 135 Here our lives must inevitably have terminated, had not a sense of danger, and the singularity of my situation, inspired me with a degree of skill and dex- terity which enabled us to fall near two miles per- pendicular with as little inconvenience as if we had been let down with a rope ; for no sooner did I per- ceive the eagles strike against a frozen cloud, which is very common near the poles, than (they being close together) I laid myself along the back of the foremost, and took hold of its wings to keep them extended, at the same time stretching out my legs behind to support the wings of the other. This had the desired effect ; and we descended very safe on a mountain of ice, which I supposed to be about three miles above the level of the sea. I dismounted, unloaded the eagles, opened one of the bladders, and administered some of the liquor to each of them, without once considering that the horrors of destruction seemed to have conspired against me. The roaring of waves, crashing of ice, and the howling of bears, conspired to form a scene the most awful and tremendous : but notwithstand- ing this, uiy concern for the recovery of the eagles was so great, that I was insensible of the danger to 136 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF which I was exposed. • Having rendered them ever}^ assistance in my power, I stood over them in painful anxiety, fully sensible that it was only by means of them that I could possibly be delivered from these abodes of despair. But suddenly a monstrous bear began to roar be- hind me, with a voice like thunder. 1 turned round, and seeing the creature just ready to devour me, having the bladder of liquor in my hands, through fear I squeezed it so hard, that it burst, and the liquor flying in the eyes of the animal, to- tally deprived it of sight. It instantly turned from me, ran away in a state of distraction, and soon fell over a precipice of ice into the sea, where I saw it no more. The danger being over, I again turned my atten- tion to the eagles, whom I found in a fair way of recovery, and suspecting that they were faint for want of victuals, I took one of the beef fruits, cut it into small slices, and presented them with it, which they devoured with avidity. Having given them plenty to eat and drink, and disposed- of the remainder of my provision, I took possession of my seat as before. After composing BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 137 myself, and adjusting every thing in the best man- ner, I began to eat and drink very heartily ; and through tlie effects of tlie Mountain, as I called it," was very cheerful, and began to sing a few verses of a song, which I had learned when I was a boy : but the noise soon alarmed the eagles, who had been asleep through the quantity of liquor which they had drank, and they arose seemingly much terrified. Happily for me, however, when I Avas feeding them I had accidentally turned their heads towards the southeast, which course they -pursued with a rapid motion. In a few hours I saw the western isles ; and soon after had the inexpressible pleasure of seeing Old England. I took no notice of the seas or islands over which I passed. The eagles descended gradually as they drew near the shore, intending, as I supposed, to alight on one of the Welsh mountains ; but when they came to the distance of about sixty yards, two guns were fired at them, loaded with balls, one of which took place in a bladder of liquor that hung to my waist ; the other entered the breast of the foremost eagle, who fell to the ground, while that which I 12» 138 ORIGINAL TRAVELS. rode, having received no injniy, flew away with amazing swiftness. This circumstance ahirmed me exceedingly, and I began to think that it was impossible for me to escape with my life ; but recovering a little, I once more looked down upon the earth, when to my in- expressible joy, I saw Margate at a little distance, and the eagle descending on the old tower whence it had carried me on the morning of the day before. It no sooner came down than I threw myself off, happy to find that I was once more restored to the world. The eagle flew away in a few minutes, and I sat down to compose my fluttering spirits, which I did in a few hours. I soon paid a visit to my friends, and related these adventures. Amazement stood in every coun- tenance ; their congratulations on my returning in safety were repeated with an unaffected degree of pleasure, and we passed the evening as we are doing now, every person present paying the highest compliments to my Courage and Yeeacity. • PKEFACE TO THE SECOND VOLUME. AEOK MUNCHAUSEN has certainly been productive of much benefit to the ^^^Q) literary world : the numbers of egregious travellers have been such, that they demanded a very Gulliver to surpass them. If Baron de Tott dauntlessly discharged an enormous piece of artil- lery, the Baron Munchausen has done more ; he has taken it and swam with it across the sea. When travellers are solicitous to be the heroes o'f their own story, surely they must admit to superiority, and blush at seeing themselves outdone by the renowned Munchausen. I doubt whether any one hitherto, Pantagruel, Gargantua, Captain Lemuel, or De Tott, has been able to outdo our Baron in this species of excellence: and as at present our curiosity seems 140 PREFACE. mucli directed to the interior of Africa, it must be edifying to have the real relation of Muncliausen's adventures there before any further intelligence ar- rives ; for he seems to adapt himself and his ex- ploits to the spirit of the times, and recounts what he thinks should be most interesting to his au- ditors. I do not say that the Baron, in the following stories, means a satire on any political matters whatever. IS^o, but if the reader understands them so, I cannot help it. If the Baron meets with a parcel of negro ships carrying whites into slavery to work on their plan- tations in a cold climate, should we therefore im- agine that he intends a reflection on the present traffic in human flesh? And that, if the negroes should do so, it would be simple justice, as retalia- tion is the Taw of God ! If we were to think this a reflection on any present commercial or political matter, we should be tempted to imagine, perhaps, some political ideas conveyed in every page, in every sentence of the whole. Whether such things are or are not tlie intentions of the Baron, the reader must j udge. PREFACE. 14:1 We have had not only wonderful travellers in this vile world, bnt splenetic travellers, and of these not a few, and also conspicuous enough. It is a pitj, therefore, that the Baron has not endeavored to surpass them also in this species of story-telling. Who is it can read the travels of Smellfungus, as Sterne calls him, without admiration? To think that a person from the north of Scotland, should travel through some of the finest countries in Europe, and find fault with every thing he meets — nothing to please him ! And therefore, methinks, the Tour to the Hebrides is more excusable ; and also per- haps Mr. Twiss's Tour in Ireland. Dr. Johnson, bred in the luxuriance of London, with more reason should become cross and splenetic in the bleak and dreary regions of the Hebrides. The Baron, in the following work, seems to be sometimes philosophical ; his account of the lan- guage of the interior of Africa, and its analogy with that of the inhabitants of the Moon, show him to be profoundly versed in the etymological antiquities of nations, and throw new light upon the abstruse his- tory of the anient Scythians and the Collectanea. His endeavor to abolish the custom of eating 142 PREFACE. live flesh in the interior of Africa, as described in Brace's Travels, is truly humane. But far be it from me to suppose, that by Gog and Magog, and the Lord Mayor's Show, he means a satire upon any person, or body of persons whatever ; or, by a tedious litigated trial of blind judges and dumb matrons following a wild goose chase all round the world, he should glance at any trial whatever. ISTevertheless, I must allow that it was extremely presumptuous in Munchausen to tell half the sover- eigns of the world that they were wrong, and advise them what they ought to do ; and that instead of ordering milHons of their subjects to massacre one another, it would be more to their interest to em- ploy their forces in concert for the general good ; as if he knew better than the Empress of Russia, the Grand Yizier, Prince Potemkin, or any other butcher in the world. But that he should be a roy- al aristocrat, and take the part of the injured Queen of France in the present political drama, I am not at all surprised ; but I suppose his mind was tired by reading the pamphlet written by Mr. Burke. THE SECOND VOLUME mxixiHtt ^Wf^nUj'iix^t. LL that I have related before, said the Baron, is gospel ; and if there be any one so hardy as to deny it, I am ready to fight him with any weapon he pleases. Yes, cried he, in a more elevated tone as he started from his seat, I will condemn him to swallow this decanter, glass and all, perhaps and filled with kerren-wasser [a kind of ardent spirit distilled from cherries, and much used in some parts of Germany]. Therefore, my dear friends and companions, have confidence in what I say, and pay honor to the tales of Mun- chausen. A traveller has a right to relate and em- 144: OKIGINAL TKAVELS OF bellish his adventures as he pleases ; and it is very impolite to refuse that deference and applause thej deserve. Having passed some time in England since the completion of my former memoirs, I at length be- gan to revolve in my mind what a prodigious field of discovery must be in the interior part of Africa. I could not sleep with the thoughts of it ; I therefore determined to gain every proper assistance from government, to penetrate the celebrated source of the Xile, and assume the viceroyship of the interior kingdoms of Africa, or, at least, the great realm of Monomotapa. It was happy for me that I had one most powerful friend at court, whom I -shall call the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos. You per-- chance know him not by that name ; but we had a language among ourselves, as well we may ; for, in the course of my peregrinations I have acquired precisely nine hundred and ninety-nine leash of languages. — What ! gentlemen, do you stare ? Well, I allow there are not so many languages spoken in this vile world ; but then, have I not been jn the Moon ? and trust me, whenever I write a Treatise upon Education, I shall delineate methods of incul BARON MUKCHAUSEN. 145 eating whole dozens of languages at once, French, Spanish, Greek, Hebrew, Cherokee, &c., in such a style as will shame all the pedagogues existing. Having passed a whole night without being able to sleep for the vivid imagination of African discov- eries, I hastened to the levee of my illustrious friend Hilaro Frosticos ; and having mentioned my inten- tion with all the vigor of fancy, he gravely consider- ed my words, and after some awful meditations, thus he spoke : Oloiigh^ ma genesat^ istiom fullanah^ cum dera hargos helgarasah eseum halgo hartigos triangu- lissimits ! However, added he, it behooveth thee to consider and ponder well upon the perils and the multitudinous dangers in the way of that wight who thus advanceth in all the perambulation of adven- tures : and verily, most valiant Sire and Baron, I hope thou wilt demean thyself with all that lauda- ble gravity and precaution which, as is related in the three hundred and forty-seventh chapter of the Prophilactics, is of more consideration than all the merit in this terraqueous globe. Yes, most truly do I advise thee unto thy good, and speak unto thee, most valiant Munchausen, with the greatest esteem, and wush thee to succeed in thy voyage ; for it is 13 146 OEIGINAL TRAVELS OF said, that in the interior reahns of Africa there are tribes that can see but jnst three inches and a half beyond the extremity of their noses; and verily thou shouldest moderate thyself, even sure and slow : they stumble who walk fast. But we shall bring you unto the Lady Fragrantia, and liave her opinion of the matter. He then took from his pocket a cap of dignity, such as described in the most honorable and antique heraldry, and placing it upon my head, addressed me thus: — "As thou seemest again to revive the spirit of ancient adven- ture, permit me to place upon thy head this favor, as a mark of the esteem in which I hold thy valor- ous disposition." The Lady Fragrantia, my dear friends, was one of the most divine creatures in all Great Britain, and was desperately in love with me. She was drawing my portrait upon a piece of white satin, when the most noble Hilaro Frosticos advanced. He pointed to the cap of dignity which he had placed upon my head. " I do declare, Hilaro," said the lovely Fragrantia, " 'tis pretty, 'tis interesting. I love you, and I like you, my dear Baron," said she, putting on another plume ; "this gives it an air more BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 147 delicate and more fantastical. I do thus, my dear Munchansen, as your friend — yet you can reject or accept my present, just as you please ; but I like the fancy ; 'tis a good one, and I mean to improve it : and against whatever enemies you go, I shall have the sweet satisfaction to remember you bear my favor on your head." I snatched it with trepidation, and gracefully dropping on my knees, I three times kissed it with all the rapture of romantic love. " I swear," cried I, " by thy bright eyes, and by the lovely whiteness of thine arm, that no savage, tyrant, or enemy up- on the face of the earth shall despoil me of this fa- vor, while one drop of the blood of the Munchausens doth circulate in my veins ; I will bear it triumphant through the realms of Africa, whither I now intend my course, and make it respected even in the court of Pr ester John." "I admire your spirit," replied she, "and shall use my utmost interest at court to have you dispatched w^ith every pomp, and as soon as possible : but here comes a most brilliant company indeed. Lady Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs, Lord Spigot, and Lady Faucet, and the Countess of Belleair." 148 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF After the ceremonies of introduction to this com- pany were over, we proceeded to consult upon the business ; and as the cause met with general ap- plause, it was immediately determined that I should proceed without delay, as soon as I obtained the sov- ereign approbation. " I am convinced," said Lord Spigot, " that if there be any thing really unknown and worthy of our most ardent curiosity, it must be in the immense regions of Africa; that country, wliich seems to be the oldest on the globe, and yet with the greater part of which we are almost utter- ly unacquainted. "What prodigious wealth of gold and diamonds must not lie concealed in those tor- rid regions, when the very rivers on the coast pour forth continual specimens of golden sand ! 'Tis my opinion, therefore, that the Baron deserves the ap- plause of all Europe for his spirit, and merits the most powerful assistance of the sovereign." So flattering an approbation, you may be sure, was delightful to my heart ; and with every confi- dence and joy, I sufifered them to take me to court that instant. After the usual ceremonies of intro- duction, sufiice it to say, that I met with every honor and applause that my most sanguine expecta- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 149 tions could demand. I had always a taste for the fashionable je ne sais quoi of the most elegant so- ciety, and in the presence of all the sovereigns of Europe I ever found myself quite at home, and ex- perienced from the whole court the most flattering esteem and admiration. I remember, one particu- lar day, the fate of the unfortunate Marquis de Bellecourt. — The Countess of Kassinda, who accom- panied him, looked most divinely. — "Yes, I am con- fident," said the Marquis de Bellecourt to me, " that I have acted according to the strictest sentiments of justice, and of loyalty to my sovereign. * What stronger breastplate than a heart untainted? and though I did not receive a word nor a look, yet I cannot think — no, it were impossible — to be mis- represented. Conscious of my own integrity, I will try again — I wdll go boldly up." The Marquis de Bellecourt saw the opportunity ; he advanced three paces, put his hand ujDon his breast and bowed. "Permit me," said he, "with the most profound respect, to ." His tongue faltered — he could scarcely believe his sight ; for at that moment the whole company were moving out of the room. He found himself almost alone, deserted by every 13« 150 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF one. " What!" said he, " and did he turn upon his heels with the most marked contempt? Would he not speak to me ? Would he not even hear me utter a word in my defence?" His heart died within him — not even a look, a smile from any one. " My friends ! Do they not know me ? Do they not see me ? Alas ! they fear to catch the contagion of my . Then," said he, "adieu! — 'tis more than I can bear — I shall go to my country-seat, and never, never will return. Adieu, fond court, adieu ! — " The Venerable Marquis de Bellecourt stopped for a moment ere he entered his carriage. Thrice he looked back, and thrice he wiped the starting tear from his eye. " Yes," said he, " for once at least, Truth shall be found — in the bottom of a well." Peace to thy ghost, most noble marquis, — a King of kings shall pity thee ; and thousands who are yet unborn shall owe their happiness to thee, and have cause to bless thee ; thousands, perhaps, that shall never even know thy name but Mun- chausen's self shall celebrate thy glory. BARON MUNCHAUSEN, 151 (&\xix\)ttv l&wtwUj'^tti^nA. 'J/ '^/ YERYTHING being concluded, and having received ray instruc- tions for the voyage, I was con- ducted by the illustrious Hilaro . Frosticos, the Lady Fragrantia, * and a prodigious crowd of no- bility, and placed sitting upon the summit of the whale's bones at the palace ; and having remained in this situation for three days and three nights, as a trial ordeal, and a specimen of my perseverance and resolution, the third hour after midnight they seated me in the chariot of Queen Mab. It was of a prodigious dimension, large enough to contain more stowage than the tun of Heidelberg, and globular like a hazel-nut ; in fact, it seemed to be really a hazel-nut grown to a most extravagant dimension, 152 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF and that a great worm of proportionable enormity had bored a hole in the sliell. Through this same entrance I was ushered. It was as large as a coach- door, and I took my seat in the centre, a kind of chair self-balanced without touching any thing, like the fancied tomb of Mahomet. The whole interior surface of the nutshell appeared a luminous repre- sentation of all the stars of heaven, the fixed stars, the planets, and a comet. The stars were as large as those worn by our first nobility ; and the comet, excessively brilliant, seemed as if you had assem- bled all the eyes of the beautiful girls in the kingdom, and combined them, like a peacock's plumage, into the form of a comet — that is, a globe, and a bearded tail to it, diminishing gradually to a point. This beautiful constellation seemed very sportive and delightful. It was much in the form of a tadpole! and without ceasing, went full of playful giddiness up and down, all over the heaven, on the concave surface of the nutshell. One time it wonld be at that part of the heavens under my feet, and in the next minute would be over my head. It was never at rest, but forever going east, west, north, or south, and paid no more respect to BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 153 the different worlds than if they were so many lanterns without reflectors. Some of them he would dash against and push out of their places ; others he would burn up and consume to ashes ; and others again he would split into fritters, and their fragments would instantly take a globular form, like spilled quicksilver, and become satellites to whatever other worlds they should haj^pen to meet Avitli in their career. In short, the whole seemed an epitome of the creation, past, present, and future ; and all that passes among the stars during one thousand years, was here generally performed in as many sec- onds. I surveyed all the beauties of the chariot with wonder and delight. " Certainly," cried I, " this is heaven in miniature !" In short, I took the reins in my hand. — But before I proceed on my adventures, I shall mention the rest of my attendant furniture. The chariot was drawn by a team of nine bulls har- nessed to it, three after three. In the first rank was a most tremendous bull, named John Mow- mowsky ; the rest were called Jacks in general, but not dignified by any particular denomination. They were all shod for the journey, not indeed like 154 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF horses, "with iron, or as bullocks commonly are, to drag on a cart ; but were shod with men's skulls. Each of their feet was, hoof and all, crammed into a man's head, cut off for the purpose, and fastened therein with a kind of cement or paste, so that the skull seemed to be a part of the foot and hoof of the animal. With these skull-shoes the creatures could perform astonishing journeys, and slide upon the water, or upon the ocean, with great velocity. The harnesses w^ere fastened with golden buckles, and decked with studs in a superb style ; and the creatures were ridden by nine postillions, — crickets of great size, as large as monkeys, who sat squat upon the heads of the bulls, and were continually chirping at a most infernal rate, loud in proportion to their bodies. The wheels of the chariot consisted of upwards of ten thousand springs, formed so as to give the greater impetuosity to the vehicle, and were more complex than a dozen clocks like that of Strasburg. The external of the chariot w^as adorned with banners, and a superb festoon of the laurel that formerly shaded me on horseback. And now, having given you a verj- concise description of my BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 155 machine for travelling into Africa, which you must allow to be far superior to the apparatus of Monsieur Yaillant, I shall proceed to relate the exploits of my voyage. 156 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (S%it\Htt ^wtnt^4Uxx&. AKIISTG the reins in my hand, while the music gave a general salute, I cracked my whip — away they went — and in three hom's I found myself just be- tween the Isle of Wight and the main-land of England. Here I remained four days, until I had received part of my accompaniment, which I was ordered to take under my convoy. 'Twas a squad- ron of men-of-war that had been a long time pre- pared for the Baltic, but which were now destined for the Mediterranean. By the assistance of large hooks and eyes, exactly such as are worn in our hats, but of a greater size, some hundred-weight each, the men-of-war hooked themselves on to the wheels of the vehicle : and, in fact, nothing could be more simple or convenient ; because they could BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 157 be hooked or unhooked in an instant with the ut- most facility. In short, having given a general discharge of their artillery, and three cheers, I cracked my whip ; away we went, helter-skelter, and in six jiffies I found myself and all my retinue, safe and in good spirits, just at the rock of Gibraltar. Here I unhooked my squadron, and having taken an affectionate leave of the officers, I suffered them to proceed in their ordinary manner to the place of their destination. The whole garrison were highly delighted with the novelty of my vehicle ; and at the pressing solicitations of the governor and officers, I went ashore, and took a view of that barren old rock, about which more powder has been fired away than would purchase twice as much fertile ground in any part of the world. Mounting my chariot, I took the reins, and again made forward, in mad career, down the Mediterranean, to the isle of Candia. Here I received dispatches from the Sublime Porte, entreating me to assist in the war against Russia, with a reward of the whole island of Candia for my alliance. At first. I hesitated, thinking that the island of Candia would be a most valuable acquisi- tion to the sovereign who at that time employed me, u 168 ORIGINAL travp:ls of and that the most delicious wines, sugar, &c., in abundance would flourish on the island ; yet, when I considered the trade of the East India Company, which would most probably suffer by the inter- course with Persia through the Mediterranean, I at once rejected the proposal, and had afterwards the thanks of the Honorable the House of Commons for my propriety and political discernment. Having been properly refreshed at Candia, I again proceeded, and in a short time arrived in the land of Egypt. Tlie land of this country, at least that part of it near the sea, is very low, so that I came upon it ere I was aware ; and the Pillar of Pompey got entangled in the various wheels of the machine, and damaged the whole considerably. Still I drove on through thick and thin, till passing over that great obelisk, the Needle of Cleopatra, the work got entangled again, and jolted at a miserable rate over the mud and swampy ground of all that country ; yet my poor bulls trotted on with astonishing labor across the Isthmus of Suez into the Red Sea, and left a track, an obscure channel, which has since been taken by De Tott for the re- mains of a canal cut by some of the Ptolemies from BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 159 the Red Sea to the Mediterranean ; but, as you per- ceive, was in reality no more than the track of my chariot, the car of Queen Mab. As the artists at present in that country are noth- ing wonderful, though the ancient Egyptians, 'tis said, were most astonishing fellows, I could not pro- cure any new coach-springs, or have a possibility of setting my machine to rights in the kingdom of Egypt ; and as I could not presume to attempt another journey overland, and the great mountains of marble beyond the source of the Nile, I thought it most eligible to make the best way I could, by sea, to the Cape of Good Hope, where I supposed 1 should get some Dutch smiths and carpenters, or perhaps some English artists ; and my vehicle be- ing properly repaired, it was my intention thence to proceed, overland, through the heart of Africa. The surface of the water, I well knew, afforded less resistance to the wheels of the machine, — it passed along the waves like the chariot of Neptune ; and in short, having gotten upon the Red Sea, we scud- ded away to admiration, through the pass of Ba- belmandel to the great western coast of Africa, where Alexander had not the courage to venture. 160 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF And really, my friends, if Alexander had ven- tured towards the Cape of Good Hope, he most prob- ably would have never returned. It is difficult to determine whether there were then any inhabitants in the more southern parts of Africa or not ; yet, at any rate, this conqueror of the world would have made but a nonsensical adventure ; his miserable ships, not contrived for a long voyage, would have become leaky, and foundered, before he could have doubled the Cape, and left his Majesty fairly be- yond the limits of the then known world. Yet it would have been an august exit for an Alexander, after having subdued Persia and India, to go wan- dering the Lord knows where, to Jupiter Ammon, perhaps ; or on a voyage to the moon, as an Indian chief once said to Captain Cook. But, for my part, I was far more successful than Alexander — I drove on with the most amazing ra- pidity ; and thinking to halt on shore at the Cape, I unfortunately drove too close, and shattered the right side-wheels of my vehicle against the rock, now called the Table Mountain. The machine went against it wdth such imj)etuosity, as completely shivered the rock in a horizontal direction ; so that BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 161 the summit of the mountain, in the form of a semi- sphere, was knocked into the sea; and the stee]) mountain becoming thereby flattened at the top, has since received the name of the Table Mountain, from its similarity to that piece of furniture. Just as this part of the mountain was knocked off, the ghost of the Cape, that tremendous sprite, which cuts such a figure in the Lusiad, was discov- ered sitting squat, in an excavation formed for him in the centre of the mountain. He seemed just like a young bee in his little cell before he comes forth, or like a bean in a bean-pod ; and when the upper part of the mountain was split across and knocked off, the superior half of his person was discovered. He appeared of a bottle-blue color, and started, daz- zled with the unexpected glare of the light : hear- ing the dreadful rattle of the wheels, and the loud chirping of the crickets, he was thunderstruck, and instantly giving a shriek, sunk down ten thousand fathoms into the earth ; while the mountain, vomit- ing out some smoke, silently closed up, and left not a trace behind. 14* 162 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (&U)x\)itx 3tvjeuti}-f0uvtb* ^^ PEKCEIYED with grief and con- sternation the miscarriage of all my apparatus ; yet I was not absolutely dejected : a great mind is never known but in adversity. With per- mission of the Dutch governor, thje chariot was properly laid up in a great storehouse, erected at the water's edge, and the bulls received every refreshment possible after so terrible a voyage. Well, you may be sure they deserved it ; and there- fore every attendance was engaged for them, until I should return. As it was not possible to do any thing more, I took my passage in a homeward- bound Indiaman, to return to London, and lay the matter before the Privy Council. We met with nothing particular until we arrived upon the coast of Guinea, where, to our utter aston- BARON laONCHAUSEN. 163 ishment, Ave perceived a great hill, seemingly of glass, advancing against us in the open sea : the rays of the sun were reflected upon it with such splendor, that it was extremely difficult to gaze at the phenomenon. I immediately knew it to be an island of ice, and, though in so very warm a lati- tude, determined to make all possible sail from such horrible danger. We did so, but all in vain, for about eleven o'clock at night, blowing a very hard gale, and exceedingly dark, we struck upon the island. Nothing could equal the distraction, the shrieks, and despair of the whole crew, until I, knowing there was not a moment to be lost, cheered up their spirits, and bade them not despond, but do as I should request them. In a few minutes the vessel was half full of water; and the enormous castle of ice that seemed to hem us in on every side, in some places falling in hideous fragments upon the deck, killed the one half of the crew ; upon which, getting upon the summit of the mast, I con- trived to make it fast to a great promontoiy of the ice, and calling to the remainder of the crew to follow me, we all escaped from the wreck, and got upon the summit of the island. 164 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF The rising sun soon gave us a dreadful prospect of our situation, and the loss, or rather icefication, of the vessel ; for being closed in on every side with castles of ice during the night, she was abso- lutely frozen over and buried, in such a manner that we could behold her under our feet, even in the central solidity of the island. Having debated what was best to be done, we immediately cut down through the ice, and got up some of the cables of the vessel and the boats, which making fast to the island, we towed it with all our might, determined to bring home island and all, or perish in the at- tempt. On the summit of the island we placed what oakum and dregs of every kind of matter we could get from the vessel ; which, in the space of a very few hours, on account of the liquefying of the ice, and the warmth of the sun, were transformed into a very fine manure ; and as I had some seeds of exotic vegetables in my pocket, we shortly had a sufficiency of fruits and roots growing upon the island to supply the whole crew ; — especially the bread-fruit tree, a few plants of which had been in the vessel ; and another tree, which bore plum- puddings so very hot, and with such exquisite pro- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 165 portion of sugar, Iruit, &c., that we all acknowl- edged it was not possible to taste any thing of the kind more delicious in England : in short, though the scurvy had made such dreadful progress among the crew before our striking upon the ice, the sup- ply of vegetables, and especially the bread-fruit and pudding-fruit, put an almost immediate stop to the distemper. We had not proceeded thus many weeks, ad- vancing with incredible fatigue by continual towing, when we fell in with a fleet of Negromen, as they call them. These wretches, I must inform you, my dear friends, had found means to make prizes of those vessels from some Europeans upon the coast of Guinea ; and tasting the sweets of our luxury, had formed colonies in several new discovered islands, near the south pole, where they had a vari- ety of plantations of such matters as would only grow in the coldest climates. As the black inhab- itants of Guinea were unsuited to the climate, and excessive cold of the country, they formed the dia- bolical project of getting Christian slaves to work for them. For this purpose, they sent vessels every year to the coast of Scotland, the northern parts of 166 - OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF Ireland and Wales, and were even sometimes seen off the coast of Cornwall. And having purchased, or entrapped, by fraud or violence, a great number of men, women, and children, they proceeded with their cargoes of human flesh to the other end of the Tvorld, and sold them to their planters, where they were flogged into obedience, and made to work like horses all the rest of their lives. My blood ran cold at the idea, while every one on the island also expressed his horror that such an iniquitous traffic should be sufiered to exist. But, except by open violence, it was found impossible to destroy the trade, on account of a barbarous preju- dice, entertained of late by the negroes, that the white peoj)le have no souls ! — However, we were determined to attack them, and steering down our island upon them, soon overwhelmed them ; we saved as many of the white people as possible, but pushed all the blacks into the water again. — The poor creatures we saved from slavery were so over- joyed, that they wept aloud through gratitude ; and we experienced every delightful sensation, to think what happiness we should shower upon their parents, their brothers, and sisters, and children, by bringing BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 167 them home safe, redeemed from slavery, to the bosom of their native country. Having happily arrived in England, I immedi- ately laid a statement of my voyage, &c., before the Privy Council, and entreated an immediate assist- ance to travel into Africa, and, if possible, refit my former machine, and take it along with the rest. Every thing was instantly granted to my satisfac- tion, and I received orders to get myself ready for departure as soon as possible. As the Emperor of China had sent a most curious animal as a present to Europe, which was kept in the Tower, and it being of an enormous stature, and capable of performing the voyage with edat^ she was ordered to attend me. She was called Sphinx, and was one of the most tremendous though mag- nificent figures I ever beheld. She was harnessed wdth superb trappings to a large flat-bottomed boat, in which was placed an edifice of wood, exactly resembling Westminster Hall. Two balloons were placed over it, tackled by a number of ropes to the boat, to keep up a proper equilibrium, and prevent it from overturning, or filling, from the prodigious weight of the fabric. 168 ORIGINAL TKAVELS OF The interior of the edifice was decorated with seats, in the form of an amphitheatre, and crammed as full as it could hold with ladies and lords, as a council and retinue for your humble servant. Nearly in the centre was a seat elegantly decora- ted for myself, and on either side of me was placed the famous Gog and Magog in all their pomp. The Lord Yiscount Gosamer being our postillion, we floated gallantly down the river, the noble Sphinx gambolling like the huge leviathan, and towing after her the boat and balloons. Thus we advanced, sailing gently, into the open sea : being calm weather, we could scarcely feel the motion of the vehicle, and passed our time in grand debate upon the glorious intention of our voyage, and the discoveries that would result. '' I am of opinion," said my noble friend, Hilaro Frosticos, " that Africa was originally inhabited for the greater part, or, I may say, subjugated by lions ; which, next to man, seem to be the most dreaded of all mortal tyrants. The country in general, at least what we have been hitherto able to discover, seems rather inimical to human life : the intolerable dryness of the place, the burning sands that over- BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 169 whelm whole armies and cities in general ruin, and the hideous life many roving hordes are compelled to lead, incline me to think, that if ever we form any great settlements therein, it will become the grave of our countrymen. Yet it is nearer to us than the East Indies ; and I cannot but imagine, that in many places every production of China, and of the East and West Indies, would flourish, if prop- erly attended to. And as the country is so prodi- giously extensive and unknown, what a source of discovery must not it contain ! — In fact, we know less about the interior of Africa than we do of the moon ; for, in this latter, we measure the very prominences, and observe the varieties and inequal- ities of the surface through our glasses — '' Forests and mountains on her spotted orb. " But we see nothing in the interior of Africa, but what some compilers of maps or geographers are fanciful enough to imagine. What a happy event, therefore, should we not expect from a voyage of discovery and colonization, undertaken in so mag- nificent a style as the present — what a pride — what an acquisition to philosophy !" 15 170 OKIGIJSAL TRAVELS OF ((iU^Htx '^wtnUj-UUTx. HE brave Count Gosamer, with a pair of hell-fire spurs on, rid- ing upon Sphinx, directed the whole retinue towards the Ma- deiras. But the Count had no small share of an amiable vanity ; and perceiving great multitudes of people, Gascons, &c., assembled upon the French coast, he could not refrain from showing some singular capers, such as they had never seen before ; but especially when he observed all the members of the E'ational Assembly extend themselves along the shore, as a piece of French politeness, to honor this expedition, with Eousseau, Yoltaire, and Beelzebub at their head ; he set spurs to Sphinx, and, at the same time, cut and cracked away as hard as he could, holding in the reins with BARON MUNCHAUSEN. ITI all his might, striving to make the creature plunge and show some uncommon diversions. But sulky and ill-tempered was Sphinx at the time : she plunged indeed — such a devil of a plunge, that she dashed him in one jerk over her head, and he fell precipitately into the water before her. It was in the Bay of Biscay, all the world knows a very bois- terous sea ; and Sphinx, fearing he would be drown- ed, never turned to the left or the right out of her way, but advancing furious, just stooped her head a little, and supped the poor Count off the water into her mouth, together with a quantity of two or three tons of water, which she must have taken in along with him, but which were to such an enormous creature as Sphinx, nothing more than a sjioonful woiild be to any of you or me. She swallowed him, but when she had got him in her stomach, his long spurs so scratched and tickled her, that they pro- duced the effect of an emetic. ]^o sooner was he in, but out he was squirted with the most horrible im- petuosity, like a ball or a shell from the calibre of a mortar. Sphinx was at this time quite sea-sick ; and the unfortunate Count was driven forth like a sky-rocket, and landed upon the Peak of Teneriffe, 172 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF plunged over head and ears in the snow — requiescat in pace ! I perceived all this mischief from my seat in the ark, but was in such a convulsion of laughter, that I could not utter an intelligible word. And now. Sphinx, deprived of her postillion, went on in a zigzag direction, and gambolled away after a most dreadful manner. And thus had every thing gone to wreck had I not given instant orders to Gog and Magog to sally forth. They plunged into the water, and swimming on each side, got at length right before the animal, and then seized the reins. Thus they continued swimming on each side, like tritons, holding the muzzle of Sphinx ; while I, sallying forth astride upon the creature's back, steered for- ward on our voyage to the Cape of Good Hope. Arriving at the Cape, I immediately gave orders to repair my former chariot and machines, which was very expeditiously performed by the excellent artists I had brought with me from Europe. And now every thing being refitted, we launched forth upon the water : perhaps there never was any thing seen more glorious or more august. 'Twas magnifi- cent to behold Sphinx make h.r obeisance on the BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 173 water, and the crickets chirp upon the bulls in return of the salute ; while Gog and Magog advan- cing, took the reins of the great John Mowmowsky, and leading towards us chariot and all, instantly disposed of them to the fore-part of the ark by hooks and eyes, and tackled Sphinx before all the bulls. Thus the whole had a most tremendui;:- and triumphal appearance. In front floated for- ward the mighty Sphinx, with Gog and Magog on each side ; next followed in order the bulls with crickets upon their heads ; and then advanced the chariot of Queen Mab, containing the curious seat and orrery of heaven ; after which appeared the boat and ark of council, overtopped with two balloons, which gave an air of greater lightness and elegance to the whole. I placed in the galleries under the balloons, and on the backs of the bulls, a number of excellent vocal performers, with martial music of clarionets and trumpets. They sung the Watery Dangers, and the Pomp of deep Ceru- lean ! — The sun shone glorious on the water, while the procession advanced towards the land, under five hundred arches of ice, illuminated with colored lights, and adorned in the most grotesque and 174 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF fanciful style with sea-weed, elegant festoons, and shells of every kind ; while a thousand water-spouts danced eternally before and after us, attracting the water from the sea in a kind of cone, and suddenly uniting; with the most fantastical thunder and lio^htnino;. Having landed our whole retinue, we immediate- ly began to proceed towards the heart of Africa ; but first thought it expedient to place a number of wheels under the ark for its greater facility of advancing. We journeyed nearly due north for several days, and met with nothing remarkable except the astonishment of the savage natives to behold our equipage. The Dutch Government at the Cape, to do them justice, gave us every possible assistance for the expedition. I presume they had received instruc- tion on that head from their High Mightinesses in Holland. However, they presented us with a spe- cimen of some of the most excellent of their Cape wine, and showed us every politeness in their power. As to the face of the country, as we advanced, it appeared in many places capable of every cultiva- tion and of abundant fertility. The natives and Hot- BARoN MUNCHAUSEN. 175 tentots of tins part of Africa liave been frequently described by travellers, and therefore it is not ne- cessary to say any more about them. But in tlio more interior parts of Africa the appearance, man- ners, and genius of the people are totally different. We directed our course by the compass and the stars, getting every day prodigious quantity of game in the woods, and at night encamping within a pro- ])er inclosure, for fear of the wild beasts. One whole day in particular we heard on every side, among the hills, the horrible roaring of lions, resounding from rock to rock like broken thunder. It seemed as if there was a general rendezvous of all these savage animals to fall upon our party. That whole day we advanced with caution, our hunters scarcely ventur- ing beyond pistol-shot from the caravan, for fear of dissolution. At night we encamped as usual, and threw up a circular intrenchment round our tents. We had scarce retired to re]3ose when we found ourselves serenaded by at least one thousand lions, approaching equally on every side, and within a hundred paces. Our cattle showed the most horri- ble symtoms of fear, all trembling, and in cold perspiration. I directly ordered the whole compa- 176 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF ny to stand to their arms, and not to make any noise by firing till I should command them. I then took a large quantity of tar, which I had brought with our caravan for that purpose, and strewed it in a continued stream round the encampment; within which circle of tar I immediately placed another train or circle of gunpowder : and having taken this precaution, I anxiously waited the lions' ap- proach. These dreadful animals, knowing, I pre- sume, the force of our troop, advanced very slowly, and with caution ; approaching on every side of us with an equal pace, and growling in hideous concert, so as to resemble an earthquake, or some similar convulsion of the world. When they had at length advanced and steeped all their paws in the tar, they put their noses to it, smelling it as if it were blood, and daubed their great bushy hair and whiskers with it equal to their paws. At that very instant, when, in concert, they were to give the mortal dart upon us, I discharged a pistol at the train of gunpowder, which instantly exploded on every side, made all the lions recoil in general uproar, and take to flight with the utmost pre- cipitation. In an instant, we could behold them BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 177 scattered throngli the woods at some distance, roar- ing in agony, and moving abont like so many Will-o'-tlie- Wisps, tlieir paws and faces all on fire from the tar and the gunpowder. I then ordered a general pursuit : we followed them on every side through the woods, their own light serving as our guide, until, before the rising of the sun, we fol- lowed into their fastnesses and shot or otherwise destroyed every one of them : and during the whole of our journey after, we never heard the roaring of a lion ; nor did any wild beast presume to make another attack upon our party, which shows the excellence of immediate presence of mind, and the terror inspired into the most savage enemies by a proper and well-timed proceeding. We at length arrived on the confines of an im- measurable desert — an immense plain, extending on every side of us like an ocean. ITot a tree, nor a shrub, nor a blade of grass was to be seen, but all appeared an extreme fine sand, mixed with gold-dust and little sparkling pearls. The gold-dust and pearls appeared to us of little value, because we could have no expectation of returning to England for a considerable time. We 178 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF • observed at a great distance something like a smoke arising jast over the verge of the horizon, and look- ing with om* telescopes, we perceived it to be a whirlwind tearing up the sand and tossing it about in the heavens with frightful impetuosity. I inune- diatelj ordered my company to erect a mound around us of great size, which we did with astonish- ing labor and perseverance ; and then roofed it over with certain planks and timber, which we had with us for the purpose. Our labor was scarcely finished when the sand came rolling in like the waves of the sea; 'twas a storm and river of sand united. It continued to advance in the same direction, without intermission, for three days, and completely covered over the mound w^e had erected, and buried us all within. The intense heat of the place was intolera- ble ; but guessing, by the cessation of the noise, that the storm was passed, we set about digging a passage to the light of day again, which w^e effected in a very short time ; and ascending, perceived that tlie whole had been so comj)letely covered with the sand, that there appeared no hills, but one contin- ued plain, with inequalities or ridges on it, like the waves of the sea. We soon extricated our vehicle BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 179 and retinue from the burning sands, but not with- out great danger, as the heat was verj violent, and began to proceed on our voyage. Storms of sand of a similar nature several times attacked us, but by using the same precautions we preserved ourselves repeatedly from destruction. Having travelled more than nine thousand miles over this inhospita- ble plain, exposed to the perpendicular rays of a burning sun, without ever meeting a rivulet, or a shower from heaven to refresh us, we at length be- came almost desperate ; when, to our inexpressible joy, we beheld some mountains at a great distance, and on our nearer approach, observ^ed them covered w^ith a carpet of verdure, and groves and woods. Nothing could appear more romantic or beautiful than the rocks and precipices intermingled with flow- ers and shrubs of every kind, and palm-trees of such a prodigious size as to surpass any thing ever seen in Europe. Fruits of all kinds appeared growing wild in the utmost abundance, and antelopes, and sheep, and bufi'aloes wandered about the groves and val- leys in profusion. The trees resounded witli the melody of birds, and every thing displayed a gen- eral scene of rural happiness and joy. 180 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (&Un\Htv iwr^ntjj-JSJixtft- AYING passed over the near- est mountains we entered a delightful vale, where we perceived a multitude of per- sons at a feast of living bulls, whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the creature's carcase, — serenaded by the bellowing of the unfor- tunate animal. Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast but Jcava, made as described in Cook's Voyages ; and at the conclu- sion of the feast we perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drank with the utmost avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea of univer- sal benevolence, I determined to abolish the custom of eating live flesh, and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a thing could not be immediately BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 181 effected, whatever in future time miglit be per- formed. Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out towards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our appearance was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. The multitude looked upon Spliinx, tlie bulls, the crickets, the balloons, and the whole company, as something more than terrestrial ; but especially the thunder of our fire-arms, which struck horror and amazement into the whole nation. We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a noble river ; and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in grand proces- sion to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a dromedary, royally caparisoned, wdth all his attendants on foot, through respect for his Majesty. He was rather above the middle stature of that country, four feet three inches in height, with a countenance like all his countrymen, as white as snow ! He was preceded by a band of most ex- quisite music, according to the fashion of the country, and his whole retinue halted within about fifty paces of our troop. We returned the salute 16 182 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF by a discharge of miisketiy, and a flourish of our trumpets and martial music. I commanded our caravan to halt, and dismounting, advanced un- covered, with only two attendants, towards his Majesty. The emperor was equally polite, and descending from his dromedary, advanced to meet me. "I am happy," said he, *''to have the honor to receive so illustrious a traveller, and assure you that every thing in my empire shall be at your disposal." I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and ex- pressed how happy I was to meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa ; and that I hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem, by introducing the arts and sciences of Europe among the people. I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does not appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the inhabitants of the Moon ; because the principal language spoken there, and in the centre of Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and method of writing are pretty much the same, and show the extreme antiquity of this people, and their exalted origin. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 183 I liere give you a specimen of their writing [ Vide Otrckocsus de Grig. Hung. p. 46] : — sregnah, dna skoolitop. These characters I have submitted to the inspec- tion of a celebrated antiquarian ; and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one in his next volume, what an immediate intercourse there, must have been between the inhabitants of the Moon and the ancient Scythians ; which Scythians did not, by any means, inhabit a part of Russia, but the central part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my very learned and laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters, are sregnah dna skoohtop / that is, the Scythians are of heavenly ori- gin. The word sregnah^ which signifies Scythians^ is compounded, of sreg or sre j whence our present 184 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF English word sire, or sir : and nali^ or gnah^ knowl- edge ; because the Scythians united the essentials of nobility and learning together: dna signifies heaven, or belonging to the moon, from duna^ who was anciently worshipped as goddess of that lumin- ary. And shoohtop signifies the origin or beginning of any thing, from skoo^ the name used in the moon for a point in geometry ; and top or htop^ vegeta- tion. These words are inscribed at this day upon a pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly at the source of the river [N'iger ; and if any one refuses his assent, he may go there to be convinced. The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of his courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that African magnificence could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on any ex- pedition without consulting us ; and looking upon us as a species of superior beings, paid the greatest respect to our opinions. He frequently asked me about the States of Europe, and the kingdom of Great Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave him of our shipping, and the im- mensity of the ocean. We taught him to regulate tlie gov^ernment nearly on the same plan with the BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 185 British constitution, and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility. His Majesty was the last of his royal line ; and on his decease, with the unani- mous consent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire. The nobility and chiefs of the coun- try immediately waited upon me with petitions, entreating me to accept the government. I consult- ed with my noble friends Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was agreed that I should accept the government, not as actual and independ- ent monarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of England. I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live flesh and drinking of kava ; and for that purpose used every persuasive method to wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my astonishment, was not taken in good part by the nation, and they looked with jealousy at those strangers who wanted to make innovations among them. ]N'evertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures could be capable of such bar- barity. I did every thing that a heart fraught with universal benevolence and good-will to all mankind 1G« 186 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF could be capable of desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion and incitement. I did not harshly reprove them ; but I invited frequently whole thousands to dine after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted meat. Alas, 'twas all in vain ! my goodness nearly excited a sedition. They murmur- ed among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild and ambitious views, as if I, O heaven ! could have had any personal interested motive in making tiiem live like men, rather than like crocodiles and ligers. In fine, perceiving that gentleness could be <;f no avail — veil knowing that when complaisance can eftect nothing from some spirits, compulsion ex- cites respect and veneration — I prohibited, under the pain of the severest j)enalties, the drinking of kava, or eating of live flesh, for the space of nine days, within the districts of Angalinar and Papha- galna. But this created such a universal abhorrence and detestation of my government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally pasquinadoed ; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were shower- ed upon the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned ; and in fine, there never was a gov- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 187 ernment so imicli detested, or with sucli little rea- son. In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource ; for the rest of the council, who had advised me to the former meth- od, had given but a poor specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I should have succeeded more happilj. In short, he addressed himself to me and to the council as follows : — " It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavors to compel or force these people to a life to w^iich they have never been accustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple pies, pudding, roast beef, minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet, that wine is exquisite. Alas, they cannot, they will not comprehend what deliciousnesS is, what sweetness, or what the flavor of the grape. And even if they were convinced of the superior excellence of your way of life, never, never would they be persuaded ; and that, if for no other reason, but because force or persuasion is em- ployed to induce them to it. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us tiy another method. 188 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF My opinion, therefore, is, that we should at once cease all endeavors to compel or j^ersuade them. But let us, if possible, procure a quantity of fudge from England, and carelessly scatter it over all the country : and from this disposal of matters, I pre- sume, nay, I have a moral certainty, that we shall reclaim this people from horror and barbarity." Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violently opposed in the council ; but now, when every other attempt had failed, when there seemed no other resource, the majority will- ingly submitted to they knew not what; for they absolutely had no idea of the manner, the possibili- ty of success, or how they could bring matters to bear. However, 'twas a scheme ; and as such they submitted. For my part, I listened with ecstasy to the words of Hilaro Frosticos ; for I knew that he had a most singular knowledge of humati kind, and could humor and persuade them on to their own happiness and universal good. Therefore, accord- ing to the advice of Hilaro, I dispatched a balloon with four men over the desert to the Cape of Good Hope, with letters to be forwarded to England, re- quiring, without delay, a few cargoes of fudge. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 189 The people had all this time remained in a gen- eral state of ferment and murmur. Every thing that rancor, low wit, and deplorable ignorance could conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The most worthy, even the most be- neficent actions, every thing that was amiable, were perverted into opposition. The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to be insensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the whole kingdom ; and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled with an idea of such continued ingrati- tude, I spoke as pathetic as possible, not methought beneath my dignity, to make them feel for me : that the universal good and happiness of the people were all I wished or desired — that if my actions had been mistaken, or improper surmises formed, still I had no wish, no desire, but the public wel- fare, &c., &c. Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much dis- turbed ; he looked sternly at me — he frowned ; but I w^as so engrossed with the warmth of my heart, my intentions, that I understood him not : in a min- ute I saw nothing but as if through a cloud (such is 190 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF the force of amiable sensibility) — lords, ladies, chiefs — the whole assembly seemed to swim before my sight. Tlie more I thought on my good inten- tions, the lampoons which so much affected my delicacy, good-nature, tenderness — I forgot myself — I spoke rapid, violent — ^beneficence — lire — tender- ness — Alas ! I melted into tears. "Pish ! pish !" said Hilaro Frosticos. jSTow, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirized, carribonadoed, bepickled, and bedev- illed. One day, w^ith my arm full of lampoons, I started up as Hilaro entered the room — the tears in my eyes — " Look, look here, Hilaro ! how can I bear all this ? It is impossible to please them ; I will leave the government — I cannot bear it ! See what pitiful anecdotes — what surmises — I will make my people feel for me- — I will leave the gov- ernment." " Pshaw !" says Hilaro. At that simple mono- syllable, I found myself changed as if by magic ; for I ever looked on Hilaro as a person so expe- rienced — such fortitude — such good sense. "There are three sail under the convoy of a frigate," added Hilaro, "just arrived at the Cape, after a fortunate BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 191 passage, laden with the fudge that we demanded. No time is to be lost ; let it be immediately con- ducted hither, and distributed through the principal granaries of the empire." 192 ORIGINAL TKAVELS OF OME time after, I ordered the " fol- lowing proclamation to be pub- lished in the Court Gazette, and in ail the other papers of the empire : — BY THE MOST MIGHTY AND PUISSANT LORD, HIS EXCELLENCY THE LOED BAEON MUISTCHAUSE]^. WHEEEAS a quantity of fudge has been dis- tributed through all the granaries of the empire for particular uses ; and as the natives have ever expressed their aversion to all manner of European eatables, it is hereby strictly forbidden, under pain of the severest penalties, for any of the officers, charged with the keeping of the said fudge, to give, sell, or suffer to be sold, any part or quantity what- BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 193 ever of the said material, until it be agreeable unto our good-will and pleasure. Munchausen. Dated in our Castle of Gristariska, this Triskill of the month of Griskish, in •the year Moulikasra-uavas-kashna- vildash. This proclamation excited the most ardent curios- ity all over the empire. " Do you know what this fudge is?" said Lady Mooshilgarousti to Lord Darnarlaganl. "Fudge!" said he — "fudge! — no: what fudge !" — " I mean," replied her Ladyship, " the enormous quantity of fudge that has been disti'ibuted under guards in all the strong places in the empire, and which is strictly forbidden to be sold, or given to any of the natives under the sever- est penalties." "Lord!" replied he, "what in the name of wonder can it be ? — Forbidden ! why it must ; — but pray do you. Lady Fashashash, do you know what this fudge is? — Do you. Lord Trastil- lauex ? — Or you. Miss Gristilarkask ! — What ! no- body knows what this fudge can be ?" It engrossed for several days the chit-cnat of the whole empire. Fudge, fudge, fudge, resounded in 17 194 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF all companies, and in all places, from the rising until thcsetting of tlie sun ; and even at night, when gentle sleep refreshed the rest of mortals, the ladies of all that country were dreaming of fudge. " Upon my honor," said Kitty, as she was adjust- ing her modesty piece before the glass, just after getting out of bed, "there is scarce any thing I would not give to know what this fudge can be." "La! my dear," replied Miss Killnariska, "I have been dreaming the whole night of nothing but fudge ; I thought my lover kissed my hand, and pressed it to his bosom, while I, frowning, endeavored to wrest it from him : that he kneeled at my feet. IsTo, never, never will I look at you, cried I, till you tell me what this fudge can be, or get me some of it. Begone ! cried I, with all the dignity of offended beauty, majesty, and a tragic queen — Begone! never see me more, or bring me this delicious fudge. He swore on the honor of a knight that he would wan- der o'er the world, encounter every danger, perish in the attempt, or satisfy the angel of his saul." The chiefs and nobility of the nation, when they met together to drink their kava, spoke of nothing but fudge. Men, women, and children, all, all talked BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 195 of nothing but fudge. 'Twas a fury of curiosity, one general ferment, a universal fever — nothing but fudge could allay it. But in one.resi3ect they all agreed, that govern- ment must have had some interested view in giving such positive orders to preserve it, and keep it from . the natives of the country. Petitions were address- ed to me from all quarters, from every corporation and body of men in the whole empire. The majori- ty of the people instructed their constituents, and the parliament presented a petition, praying that I would be pleased to take the state of the nation un- der consideration, and give orders to satisfy the people, or the most dreadful consequences were to be apprehended. To these requests, at the entreaty of my council, I made no reply, or at best but unsat- isfactory answers. Curiosity was on the rack ; they forgot to lampoon the government, so engaged were they about the fudge. The great assembly of the states could think of nothing else. Instead of enact- ing laws for the regulation of the people, instead of consulting what should seem most wise, most excel- lent, they could think, talk, and harangue of no- thing but fudge. In vain did the Speaker call to 196 ORIGINAL. TRAVELS OF order ; the more checks they got, the more extrava- gant and inquisitive they were. In short, the populace in many places rose in the most outrageous and tumultuous manner, forced open the granaries in all places in one day, and triumphantly distributed the fudge through the whole empire. Wliether on account of the longing, the great curiosity, imagination, oj the disposition of the people, I cannot say — but they found it infinitely to their taste ; 'twas an intoxication of joy, satisfac- tion, and applause. Finding how much they liked this fudge, I pro- cured another quantity from England, much greater than the former, and cautiously bestowed it over all the kingdom. Thus were the affections of the peo- ple regained ; and they, from hence, began to ven- erate, applaud, and admire my government more than ever. Tlie following Ode was performed at the castle, in the most superb style, and universally admired : — ODE. Ye bulls and crickets, and Gog, Magog, And trump'ts high chiming anthrophog, BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 197 Come sing blithe clioral all in og^ Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog ! Great and superb appears tliy cap sublime, Admired and worshipped as the rising sun ; Solemn, majestic, wise, like hoary Time, And fam'd alike for virtue, sense, and fun. Then swell the noble strain with song And elegance divine, While Goddesses around shall throng, And all the Muses Nine. And bulls, and crickets, and Gog, Magog, And trumpets chiming anthrophog. Shall sing blithe choral all in o(jy Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog ! This piece of poetry was much applauded, ad- mired, and encored in every public assembly ; cele- brated as an astonishing effort of genius ; and the music, composed by Minheer Gastrashbark Gkrghh- barwskhk, was thought equal to the sense !— Never was there anything so universally admired, the summit of the most exquisite wit, the keenest praise, the most excellent music. 17- 198 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF " Upon my honor, and the faith I owe my love," said I, " music may be talked of in England ; but to possess the very soul of harmony, the world should come to the performance of this Ode." — Lady Fragrantia was at that moment drumming with her fingers on the edge of her fan, lost in a reverie, thinking she was playing upon Was it a forte piano? " Ko, my dear Fragrantia," said I, tenderly tak- ing her in my arms while she melted into tears ; " never, never, will I play upon any other !" O ! 'twas divine, to see her like a summer's morning, all blushing and full of dew ! BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 199 (Hhaptev SJw^ttttj-^iflHtlt. now, most noble Baron," said the illustrious Ililaro Frosticos, " now is the time to make this people proceed in any business that we find conv^enient. Take them at this present ferment of the mind, let them not think, but at once set them to work." In short, the whole nation went heartily to the business, to build an edifice such as was never seen in any other country. I took care to supply them with their favorite kava and fudge, and they worked like horses. The tower of Babylon, which, according to Ilermogastricus, was seven miles high, or the Chinese wall, was a mere trifle, in comparison to this stupendous edifice, which was completed in a very short space of time. 200 OEIGINAL TRAVELS OF It was of an immense heiglit, far bejond any thing that ever had been before erected; and of sudi gentle ascent, that a regiment of cavalry with a train of cannon could ascend with perfect ease and facility. It seemed like a rainbow in the heavens, the base of which appeared to rise in the centre of Africa, and the other extremity seemed to stoop into Great Britain. A most noble bridge indeed, and a piece of masonry that has outdone Sir Chris- topher Wren. Wonderful must it have been to form so tremendous an arch, especially as the artists had certain difficulties to labor against, which they could not have in the formation of any other arch in the world ; I mean, the attraction of the moon and planets : because the arch was of so great a height, and in some parts so elongated from the earth, as in a great measure to diminish in its grav- itation to the centre of our globe ; or rather, seemed more easily operated upon by the attraction of the planets : so that the stones of the arch, one w^ould think, at certain times, were ready to fall xvjp to the moon, and at other times to fall down to the earth. But as the former was more to be dreaded, I se- cured stability to the fabric by a very curious con- BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 201 trivance. I ordered the architects to get the heads of some hundred numbskulls and blockheads, and fix them to the interior surface of the arch, at cer- tain intervals, all the whole length ; by which means the arch was held together firm, and its in- clination to the earth eternally established ; because of all the things in the world, the skulls of these kind of animals have a strange facility of tending to the centre of the earth. The building being completed, I caused an in- scription to be engraved in the most magnificent style upon the summit of the arch, in letters so great and luminous, that all vessels sailing to the East or West Indies might read them distinct in the heavens, like the motto of Constantine : KARDOL BAGARLAN KAI TON FARINGO SARGAL RA MO PASHROL VATmEAO OAL COLNITOS RO NA FILNAT AGASTRA SA DINGANNAL FANO. That is to say, " As long as this arch and bond of union shall exist, so long shall the people be happy. ISTor can all the power of the world aftect them, unless the moon, advancing from her usual sphere, should so much attract the skulls as to cause a sud- 202 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF den elevation ; on which the whole will fall into the most horrible confusion.'' An easy intercourse being thus established between Great Britain and the centre of Africa, numbers travelled continually to and from both countries, and at my request mail-coaches were or- dered to run on the bridge between both empires. After some time, having settled the government per- fectly to my satisfaction, I requested permission to resign, as a great cabal had been excited against me in England ; I therefore received my letters of re- call, and prepared to return to Old England. In fine, I set out upon my journey, covered with applause and general admiration. I proceeded with the same retinue that I had before. Sphinx, Gog, and Magog, &c., and advanced along the bridge, lined on each side with rows of trees, adorned with festoons of various flowers, and illu- minated with colored lights. We advanced at a great rate along the bridge, which was so very ex- tensive that we could scarce perceive the ascent, but proceeded insensibly until we arrived on the centre of the arch. The view from thence was glo- rious beyond conception ; 'twas divine to look down BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 203 on the kingdoms, and seas, and islands under ns. Africa seemed in general of a tawny brownish color, burned up by the sun ; Spain seemed more inclining to a yellow, on account of some fields of corn scattered over the kingdom ; France appeared more inclining to a bright straws-color, intermixed with green ; and England appeared covered with the most beautiful verdure. I admired the appear- ance of the Baltic Sea, which evidently seemed to have been introduced between those countries by the sudden splitting of the land ; and that originally Sweden was united to the western coast of Den- mark : in short, the whole interstice of the Gulf of Finland had no being, until these countries, by mutual consent, separated from one another. Such were my philosophical meditations, as I advanced, when I observed a man in armor with a tremen- dous spear or lance, and mounted upon a steed, advancing against me. I soon discovered, by a tele- scope, that it could be no other than Don Quixote, and promised myself much amusement in the ren- counter. 204 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (Rlxixvttx W\vt\xt\j-nxnt\i. ^H AT art thou ?" exclaimed Don Quixote on liis potent steed. " Who art thou ? Speak, — ov by the eternal vengeance of niine arm, tliy whole machinery sluiU perish at sound of this my trumpet!" Astonislied at so rude a salutation, the great Sphinx stopped short, and bridling up herself, drew in her head, like a snail when it touches something it does not like ; the bulls set up a horrid bellow- ing ; the crickets sounded an alarm ; and Gog and Magog advanced before the rest. One of these powerful brothers had in his hand a great pole, to the extremity of which was fastened a cord of about two feet in length, and to the end of the cord was fastened a ball of iron, with spikes shooting from it like the rays of a star: with this weapon he pre- pared to encounter ; and advancing, thus he spoke : BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 205 " Audacious wight, that thus, in complete steel arrayed, doth dare to venture cross my way, to stop the great Munchausen ! Know then, proud knight, that thou shalt instant perish 'neath my potent arm." When Quixote, Mancha's knight, responded firm : " Gigantic monster ! leader of witches, crickets, and chimeras dire ! know thou, that here before yon azure heaven, the cause of truth, of valor, and of faith right pure shall ordeal counter try it !" Thus he spoke, and brandishing his mighty spear, would instant prodigies sublime performed, had not some wight placed 'neath the tail of dark Eosinante furze all thorny base ; at which, quadrupedanting, plunged the steed, and instant on the earth the knight roar'd credo for his life. At that same moment, ten thousand frogs started from the morions of Gog and Magog, and furiously assailed the knight on every side. In vain lie roared, and invoked fair Dulcinea del Toboso ; for frogs wild croaking seemed more loud, more sonor- ous than all his invocations. And thus in battle vile the knight was overcome, and spawn all swarmed upon his glittering helmet. "Detested miscreants!" roared the knight; 18 206 ORIGNIAL TRAVELS OF " avaimt ! Enchanters dire and goblins could alone this arduous task perform ; to rout the knight of Mancha, foul defeat, and war, even such as ne'er was known before. Then hear, O del Toboso ! hear my vows, that thus in anguish of mj soul I urge, 'midst frogs, Gridalbin, Hecaton, Kai, Talon, and the Rove ! (for such the names and definitions of their qualities, their separate powers.) For Mer- lin plumed their airy flight, and then in watery moonbeam dyed his rod eccentric. At the touch, ten thousand frogs, strange metamorphos'd croaked even thus : And here they come, on high behest to vilify the knight, that erst defended famed virgin- ity, and matrons all bewronged, and pilgrims hoar, and courteous guise of all ! But the age of chivalry is gone, and the glory of Europe is extinguished for- ever !" He spake, and sudden good Lord Whittington, at head of all his raree-show, came forth, armor antique of chivalry, and helmets old, and troops, all streamers, flags and banners glittering gay, red, gold, and purple ; and in every hand a square of gingerbread all gilded nice, was brandished awful. At a word, ten thousand thousand Naples biscuits, BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 207 buns, and flannel-cake, and hats of gingerbread, encounter'd in mid air in glorious exaltation ; like some huge storm of mill-stones, or when it rains whole clouds of dogs and cats. The frogs, astonished, thunderstruck, forgot their notes and music, that before had seemed so terrible, and drowned the cries of knight renown ; and mute in wonder heard the words of Whittington, pro- nouncing solemn : — " Goblins, chimeras dire, or frogs, or whatsoe'er enchantment thus presents in antique shape, attend and hear the words of peace ; and thou, good Herald, read aloud the Riot Act !" He ceased, and dismal was the tone that softly breathed from all the frogs in chorus, who quick had petrified with fright, unless redoubted Gog and Magog both with poles, high topped with airy blad- ders by a string dependent, had not stormed against his lordship. Ever and anon the bladders, loud resounding on his chaps, proclaimed their fury against all potent law, coercive mayoralty : When he, submissive, thus in cunning guile addressed the knights assailant : — " Gog, Magog, renowned and famous ! what, my sons, shall you assail your father, friend, and chief confessed ! Shall you, thus armed 208 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF with bladders vile, attack my title, eminence, and pomp sublime ! Subside, vile discord, and again return to your true 'legiance. Think, my friends, how oft your gorgeous pouch I've cramm'd, all calapash, green fat, and calapee. Remember how you've feasted, stood inert for ages, until size im- mense you've gained. And think, how different is the service of Munchausen, where you o'er seas, cold, briny, float along the tide, eternal toiling like to slaves Algiers and Tripoli. And e'en on high, balloon like, through the heavens have journeyed late, upon a rainbow or some awful bridge stretched eminent; as if on earth he had not work sufficient to distress your potent servitudes, but he should also seek in heaven dire cause of labor ! Recollect, my friends, even why or wherefore should you thus assail your lawful Magistrate, or why desert his livery ? or for what or wherefore serve this German Lord Munchausen, who for all your labors shall alone bestow some fudge and heroic blows in war ? Tlien cease, and thus in amity return to friendship aldermanic, bungy, brown, and sober." Ceased he then, right worshipful, when both the warring champions instant stemmed their battle, BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 209 and in sign of peace and unity returning, 'neath their feet reclined their weapons. Sudden at a sig- nal either stamped his foot sinistrine, and the lond report of bursten bladder stunned each ear sur- rounding, like the roar of thunder from on high convulsing heaven and earth. 'Twas now upon the saddle once again the knight of Mancha rose ; and in his hand far balan- cing his lance, full tilt against the troops of bulls opposing ran. And thou, shrill crillitrilkril, than whom no cricket e'er on hob of rural cottage, or chimney black, more gladsome tuned his merry note, e'en thou didst perish, shrieking gave the ghost in empty air the sport of ev'ry wind ; for e'en that heart so jocund and so gay was pierced, harsh spitted by the lance of Mancha, while undaunted thou didst sit between the horns that crowned Mow- mowsky. And now Whittington advanced, 'midst armor antique and the powers Magog and Gog ; and with his rod enchanting touched the head of every frog, long mute and thunderstruck ; at which, in universal chorus and salute, they sung blithe jocund, and amain advanced rebellious 'gainst ni}- troop. 18« 210 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF While Sphinx, though great, gigantic, seemed in- stinctive base and cowardly, and at the sight of storming gingerbread, and powers Magog and Grog, and Quixote, all against her, started fierce, o'erturn- ing boat, balloons, and all ; loud roared the bulls, hideous ; and the crash of wheels, and chaos of con- fusion drear, resounded far from earth to heaven. And still more fierce in charge the great Lord "Whit- tington, from poke of ermine his famed Grimalkin took. She screamed, and harsh attacked my bulls confounded; lightning-like she darted, and from lialf the troop theii* eyes devouring tore. 'Nov could the riders, crickets throned sublime, escape from rage, from fury less averse than cannons murder o'er the stormy sea. The great Mowmowsky roared amain and plunged in anguish, shunning every dart of fire-eyed fierce Grimalkin. Dire the rage of warfare, and contending crickets, Quixote and great Magog ; when Whittington advancing — " Good, my friends and wan*iors, headlong on the foe bear down impetuous !" He spoke, and waving high the mighty rod, tipped wonderful each bull, at which more fierce the creatures bellowed, while enchantment drear devoured their vitals. And all BARON MUNCHAUSEN 211 had gone to wreck in more than mortal strife, unless, like Neptune orient from the stormy deep, I rose, e'en towering o'er the ruins of my fighting troops. Serene and calm I stood, and gazed around undaunt- ed ; nor did aught oppose against my foes impetu- ous. But sudden from chariot, purses plentiful of fudge poured forth, and scattered it amain o'er all the crowd contending. As when old Catharine or the careful Joan doth scatter to the chickens bits of bread and crumbs fragmented, while rejoiced they gobble fast the profi'ered scraps in general plenty and fraternal peace, and " hush," she cries, "hush! hush!" . ' 212 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (SU^Htx ^\txttxttlx. AYINQ arrived in England once more, the greatest re- joicings were made for my return; the whole city seem- ed one general blaze of illu- mination ; and the Colossus of Rhodes, hearing of my astonishing feats, came on purpose to England to congratulate me on such unparalleled achievements. But above all other rejoicings on my return, the musical oratorio and song of triumph were magnificent in the extreme. Gog and Magog were ordered to take the maiden tower of Windsor, and make a tamborine or great drum of it. For this purpose they extended an elephant's hide, tanned and prepared for the design, across the summit of the tower, from parapet to parapet ; so that in proportion this extended ele- BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 213 phant's hide was to the wliole of the castle what the parchment is to a drum ; in such a manner that the whole became one great instrument of war. To correspond with this, Colossus took Gaildhall and Westminster Abbey, and turning the founda- tions towards the heavens, so that the roofs of the edifices w^ere upon the ground, he strung them across with brass and steel wire from side to side ; and thus, when strung, they had the appearance of most noble dulcimers. He then took the great dome of St. Paul's, raising it off the earth with as much facility as you would a decanter of claret. And when once risen up, it had the appearance of a quart bottle. Colossus instantly, with his teeth, cracked off' the superior part of the cupola, and then applying his lips to the instrument, began to sound it like a trumpet. 'Twas martial beyond descrip- tion — tantara ! — tara — ta ! During the concert I walked in the park with Lady Fragrantia : she was dressed that morning in a chemise d la reine. "I like," said she, "the dew of the morning, 'tis delicate and ethereal, and, by thus bespangling me, I think it will more approximate me to the nature of the rose (for her looks were like 214 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF Aurora) ; and to confirm the vermilion I shall go to Spa." "And drink the Pouhon spring," added I, gaz- ing at her from top to toe. " Yes," replied the love- ly Fragrantia, " with all my heart — 'tis the drink of sweetness and delicacy ; never were there any crea- tures like the water-drinkers at Spa ; they seem like so many thirsty blossoms on a peach-tree, that suck up the shower in the scorching heat. There is a certain something in the waters that gives vigor to the whole frame, and expands every heart with rap- ture and benevolence. Tliey drink ! good gods ! how they do drink ! and then, how they sleep ! Pray, my dear Baron, were you ever at the Falls of Niagara?" — "Yes, my lady," replied I (surprised at such a strange association of ideas); "I have been, many years ago, at. the Falls of ^N^iagara, and found no more difiiculty in swimming up and* down the cat- aracts, than I should to move a minuet." At that moment she dropped her nosegay — "Ah," said she, as I presented it to her, " there is no great variety in these polyanthuses. I do assure you, my dear Baron, that there is taste in the selection of flowers as well as every thing else ; and were I a girl of sixteen, I should wear some rose-buds in my bosom ; BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 215 but at five-and- twenty, I think 'twould be more apropos to wear a full-blown rose, quite ripe, and ready to drop off tlie stalk for want of being pulled — lieigli lio!" — "But pray, my lady," said I, "liow do you like the concert?" — "Alas!" said she, languish- ingly, while she laid her hand upon my shoulder ; " what are these bodiless sounds and vibrations to me? and yet what an exquisite sweetness in the songs of the northern part of our island : — ' Thou art gone awcC from me, Mary P How pathetic and divine the little airs of Scotland and the Heb- rides ! But never, never can I think of that same Doctor Johnson — that Olonstabie, as Fergus Mac- Leod calls him — but I have an idea of a great brown full-bottomed wig and a hogshead of porter ! Oh ! 'twas base to be treated everywhere with po- liteness and liospitality, and in return invidiously to smellfungus them all over ; to go to the country of Kate of Aberdeen, of Auld Eobin Gray, 'midst rural innocence and sweetness, take up their plaids, and dance. O Doctor, Doctor." "And what would you say, Fragrantia, if you were to write a * Tour to the Hebrides V " — " Peace to the heroes," replied she in a delicate and theatri- 216 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF cal toue ; " peace to the heroes who sleep in the isle of lona ; the sons of the wave, and the chiefs of the dark-browu shield ! The tear of the sympathiz- ing stranger is scattered by the wind over the hoary stones as she meditated sorrowfully on the times of old. Such could I say, sitting upon some druidical heap or tumulus. The fact is this, there is a right and wrong handle to every thing ; and there is more pleasure in thinking with pure nobility of heart, than with the illiberal enmities and sarcasm of a blackguard." BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 217 Clto^pt^t ^UxxUj'txx^l. , HE contention between Gog and Magog, and Sphinx, Hilaro Fros- ticos, the Lord Whittington, &c., was productive of infinite litiga- tion. All the lawyei'S in the kingdom were employed, to render the affair as 'complex and gloriously uncertain as possible, and, in fine, the whole nation became interested, and were divided on both sides of the question. Colos- sus took the part of Sphinx, and the affair was at length submitted to the decision of a grand council in a great hall, adorned with seats on every side in form of an amphitheatre. The assembly appeared the most magnificent and splendid in the world. A court or jury of one hundred matrons occupied the principal and most honorable part of the amphi- theatre ; they were dressed in flowing robes of 19 218 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF sky-blue velvet, udorned with testoons of brilliants and diamond stars ; grave and sedate looking matrons, all in uniform, with spectacles upon their noses ; and opposite to these were placed one hun- dred judges, with curly white wigs flowing down on each side of them to their very feet ; so that Solomon in all his glory w^as not so w^ise in appear- ance. At the ardent request of the whole empire, I condescended to be the president of the court; and being arrayed accordingly, I took niy seat be- neath a canopy erected in the centre. Before every judge was placed a square inkstand, contain- ing a gallon of ink, and pens of a proportionable size ; and also right before him an enormous folio,- so large as to serve for table and book at the same time. But they did not make much use of their pens and ink, except to blot and daub the paper ; for, that they should be the more impartial, I had ordered that none but the blind should be honored with the employment : so that when they attempted to write any thing, they uniformly dipj)ed their pens into the machine containing sand ; and having scraw^led over a page as they thought, desiring then to dry it with sand, would spill half a gallon of ink ^ BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 219 upon the paper, and thereby daubing their fingers, would transfer the ink to their face whenever they leaned their cheek upon their hand for greater gravity. As to the matrons, to prevent an eternal prattle that would drown all manner of intelligibil- ity, I found it absolutely necessary to sew up their mouths; so that between the blind judges and dumb matrons, methought the trial had a chance of being terminated sooner than it otherwise would. The matrons, instead of their tongues, had other instruments to convey their ideas : each of them had three quizzes, one quiz pendant from the string that sewed up their mouth, and another quiz in either liand. When she wished to express her negative, she darted and recoiled the quizzes in her right and left hand ; and when she desired to ex- press her afiirnjative, she, nodding, made the quiz pendant from her mouth flow down and recoil again. The trial proceeded in this manner for a long time, to the admiration of the whole empire ; when at length I thought proper to send to my old friend and ally, Prester John, entreating him to forward to me one of the species of wild and curious birds found in his kingdom, called a Wauwau. 220 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF Tills creature was brought over the great bridge before mentioned, from the interior of Africa, by a balloon. The balloon was placed upon the bridge, extending over the parapets on each side, with great wings or oars to assist its velocity ; and under the balloon was placed pendant a kind of boat, in which were the persons to manage the steerage of the machine, and protect Wauwau. This oracular bird arriving in England, instantly darted through one of the windows of the great hall, and perched upon the canopy in the centre, to the admiration of all present. Her cackling appeared quite prophet- ic and oracular ; and the first question proposed to her by the unanimous consent of the matrons and j udges was. Whether or not the moon was composed of green cheese ? The solution of this question was deemed absolutely necessary, before they could proceed farther on the trial. Wauwau seemed in figure not very much difier- ing from a swan, except that the neck was not near so long, and she stood after an admirable fashion like to Yestris. She began cackling most sonorous- ly, and the whole assembly agreed that it was ab- solutely necessary to catch her, and having her in BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 221 their immediate possession, nothing more would be requisite for the termination of this litigated aftair. For this purpose the whole house rose up to catch her, and approached in tumult, the judges brandish- ing their pens, and shaking their big wigs, and the matrons quizzing as much as possible in every direc- tion, which very much startled Wauwau ; who, clap- ping her wrings, instantly flew out of the hall. The assembly began to proceed after her in order and style of precedence: together with my whole train of Gog and Magog, Sphinx, Ililaro Frosticos, Queen Mab's chariot, the bulls and crickets, &c., preced- ed by bands of music ; while Wauwau, descending on the earth, ran on like an ostrich before the troop, cackling all the way. Thinking suddenly to catch this ferocious animal, the judges and matrons would suddenly quicken their p^ce ; but the creature would as quickly outrun them, or sometimes fly away for many miles together, and then alight to take breath until we came within si^ht of her affain. Our train journeyed over a most prodigious tract of country in a direct line, over hills and dales, to the summit of Plinlimmon, where we thought to have seized Wauwau ; but she instantly took flight, and 19» 222 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF never ceased until she arrived at tlie moutli of the Potomac river, in Virginia. Our co]n]3any immediately embarked in the ma- chines before described, in which we had journeyed into Africa, and after a few days' sail, arrived in ]N^orth America. We met with nothiug^curions on our voyage, except a floating island, containing some very delightful villages, inhabited by a few whites and negroes ; the sugar-cane did not thrive there well, on account, as I was informed, of the variety of the climates ; the island being sometimes driven up as far as the north pole, and at other times wafted under the equinoctial. In pity to the poor islanders, I got a huge stake of iron, and driv- ing it through the' centre of the island, fastened it to the rocks and mud at the bottom of the sea; since which time the island has become stationary, and is well known at present by the name of St. Christopher's, and there is not an island in the world more secure. Arriving in IS'orth America, we were received by the President of the United States with every honor and politeness. He was pleased to give us all the information possible relative to the woods and BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 223 immense regions of America, and ordered troops of the difierent tribes of the Esquimaux to guide ns through the forests in pursuit of Wauwau ; who, ^^•c at length found, had taken refuge in the centre of a morass. The inhabitants of the country, who loved hunting, were much delighted to behold the manner in which we attempted to seize upon Wauwau ; the chase was noble and uncommon. I determined to surround the animal on every side ; and for this purpose ordered the judges and matrons to sur- round the morass with nets extending a mile in height ; on various parts of which net the company disposed themselves, floating in the air, like so many spiders upon their cobwebs. Magog, at my com- mand, put on a kind of armor that he had carried with him for the purpose, corslet of steel, with gauntlets, helmets, &c., so as nearly to resemble a mole. He instantly plunged into flie earth, mak- ing way with his sharp steel head-piece, and tearing up the ground with his iron claws ; and found not much difficulty therein, as morass in general is of a soft and yielding texture. Thus he hoped to under- mine Wauwau, and suddenly rising, seize her by the foot : while his brother Gog ascending the air in 22-i ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF a balloon, hoping to catch her if she should escape Magog. Thus the animal was surronnded on every side, and at iirst was very much terriiied, knowing not which way she had best to go. At length, hear- ing an obscure noise under ground, Wauwau took flight before Magog could have time to catch her by the foot. She flew to the right, then to the left, north, east, west, and south; but found on every side the company prepared upon their nets. At length she flew right up, soaring at a most aston- ishing rate towards the sun, while the company on every side set up one general acclamation. But Gog in his balloon soon stopped Wauwau in the midst of her career, and snared her in a net, the cords of which he continued to hold in his hand. "Wauwau did not totally lose her presence of mind, but, after a little consideration, made several violent darts against the volume of the balloon ; so fierce, as at length to tear open a great space, on which the inflammable air rushing out, the whole appa- ratus began to tumble to the earth with amazing- rapidity. Gog himself was thrown out of the ve- hicle, and letting go the reins of the net, Wauwau got liberty again, and flew out of sight in an instant. BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 225 Gog had been above a mile elevated from the earth when he began to fall ; and as he advanced, the rapidity increased, so that he went like a ball from a cannon into the morass, and his nose strik- ing against one of the iron-capped hands of his brother Magog, just then rising from the depths, he began to bleed violently, and, but for the softness of the morass, w^ould have lost his life. 226 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF &UixvUx mxi}i-^i^icj(ji\x&. Y Friends, and very learned and profound Judiciarii," said I, " be not disheart- ened that Wauwau has es- caped from you at present ; persevere, and we shall yet succeed. You should never despair, Munchausen being your general ; and therefore be brave, be courageous, and fortune shall second your endeavors. Let us advance undaunted in pursuit, and follow the fierce Wau- wau even three times round the globe, until we entrap her." My words filled them with confidence and val- or, and they unanimously agreed to continue the chase. We penetrated the frightful deserts and gloomy woods of America, beyond the source of the Ohio, through countries utterly unknown before. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 227 I frequently took the diversion of sliooting in the woods; and one day that I happened with three attendants to wander far from our troop, w^e were suddenly set upon by a number of savages. As we had expended our powder and shot, and happened to have no side arms, it was in vain to make any resistance against hundreds of enemies. In short, they bound us, and made us walk before them to a gloomy cavern in a rock, where they feasted upon what game they had killed : but which not being sufficient, they took my three unfortunate compan- ions and myself and scalped us. The pain of losing the flesh from my head was most horrible ; it made me leap in agonies, and roar like a bull. They then tied us to stakes, and making great fires around us, began to dance in a circle, singing with much distortion and barbarity, and at times putting the palms of their hands to their mouths, set up the war-whoop. As they had on that day also made a great prize of some wine and spirits belonging to our troop, these barbarians finding it delicious, and unconscious of its intoxicating quality, began to driiik it in profusion, while they beheld us roasting; and in a very short time they were all completely 22 S ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF drunk, and fell asleep around the fires. Perceiv- ing some hopes, I used most astonishing efforts to extricate myself from the cords with which I was tied, and at length succeeded. I immediately unbound my companions, and though half roasted, they still had power enough to walk. We sought about for the flesh that had been taken off our heads, and having found the scalps, we immediately adapted them to our bloody heads, sticking them on with a kind of glue of a sovereign quality, that flows from a tree in that country, and the parts united and healed in a few hours. We took care to revenge oui-selves on the savages, and with their own hatchets put every one of them to death. We then returned to our troop, who had given us up for lost; and they made great rejoicings on our return. We now proceeded in our journey through this prodigious wilderness, Gog and Magog acting as pioneers, hewing down the trees, &c., at a great rate, as we advanced. We passed over numberless swamps, and lakes, and rivers, until at length we discovered a habitation at some distance. It ap- peared a dark and gloomy castle, surrounded with strong ramparts and a broad ditch. We eaUed a BAKON MUNCHAUSEN. 229 council of war, and it was determined to send a deputation with a trumpet to the walls of the castle, and demand friendship from the governor, whoever he might be, and an account if aught he knew of Wauwau. For this purpose our whole caravan halted in the wood, and Gog and Magog reclined among the trees, that their enormous strength and size should not be discovered, and give umbrage to the lord of the castle. Our embassy approached the castle, and having demanded admit- tance for some time, at length the drawbridge was let down, and they were suffered to enter. As soon as they had passed the gate it was immediately closed after them, and on either side they perceived ranks of halberdiers, who made them tremble with fear. " We come," the herald proclaimed, '' on the part of Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whit- tington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchau- sen, to claim friendship from the governor of this puissant castle, and to seek Wauwau." — '' The most noble governor," replied an officer, " is at all times happy to entertain such travellers as pass through these immense deserts, and will esteem it an honor that the great Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord 20 230 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF WliittiDgtoii, and tlie tlirice-renowned Baroii Mun- chausen, enter his castle walls." In short, we entered the castle. The governor sat w^ith all our company to table, surrounded by his friends, of a very tierce and warlike appearance. They spoke but little, and seemed very austere and reserved, until the first course was served up. The dishes were brought in by a number of bears walk- ing on their hind-legs ; and on every dish was a fric- assee of pistols, pistol-bullets, sauce of gunpowder, and aqua-vitae. This entertainment seemed rather indigestible by even an ostrich's stomach : when the governor addressed us, and informed me that it was ever his custom to strangers, to offer them for the first course a service similar to that before us : and if they were inclined to accept the invitation, he would fight them as much as they pleased ; but if they could not relish the pistol bullets, &c., he would conclude them peaceable, and try what bet- ter politeness he could show them in his castle. In short, the -first course being removed untouched, we dined ; and after dinner the governor forced the company to push the bottle about with alacrity and to excess. He informed us, that he was the Nare- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 231 skin Rowslvimowmowsky, who liad retired amid these wilds, disgusted with the court of Petersburg. I was rejoiced to meet him ; I recollected my old friend whom I had known at the court of Russia, when I rejected the hand of the Empress. Tlie Nareskin, with all his knights-companions, drank to an astonishing degree, and we all set oif upon hobby-horses in full cry out of the castle. ISTever was there seen such a cavalcade before. In front galloped a hundred knights belonging to the castle, with hunting horns and a pack of excellent dogs ; and then came the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, Gog and Magog, Hilaro Frosticos, and your humble Servant, hallooing and shouting like so many demo- niacs, and spurring our hobby-horses at an infernal rate, until we arrived in the kingdom of Logger- heads. The kingdom of Loggerheads was wilder tlian any part of Siberia, and the Nareskin had here built a romantic summer-house in a Gothic taste, to which he would frequently retire with his company after dinner. The Nareskin had a dozen bears of enormous stature that danced for our amusement, and their chiefs performed the minicet de la cour to admiration. And here the most noble Ilihiro Fros- 232 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF ticos thought proper to ask the Nareskin some intel- ligence about Wauwau, in quest of whom we had travelled over such a tract of country, and encoun- tered so many dangerous adventures : and also in- vited the Nareskin Rowskimowniowsky to attend us with all his bears in the expedition. The Nare- skin appeared astonished at the idea ; he looked with inlinite hauteur and ferocity on Hilaro, and affecting a violent passion, asked him, "Did he imagine that the Nareskin Kowskimowmowsky could condescend to take notice of a Wauwau, let her fly what way she would ? Or did he think, a chief possessing such blood in his veins, could en- gage in such a foreign pursuit? By the blood of all the bears in the kingdom of Loggerheads, and by the ashes of my great-great-grandmother, I would cut off your head !^' Hilaro Frosticos . resented this oration, and in short a general riot commenced. The bears, to- gether with the hundred knights, took the part of the E'areskin ; and Gog and Magog, Don Quixote, the Sphinx, Lord Whittington, the bulls, the crick- ets, the judges, the matrons, and Hilaro Frosticos, made noble warfare against them. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 233 I drew my sworcl, and challenged the Nareskiii to single combat. lie frowned, while his eyes sparkled fire and indignation ; and bracing a buck- ler on his left arm he advanced against me. I made a blow at him with all my force, which he received upon his buckler, and my sword broke short. Ungenerons Nareskin ! seeing me disarmed, he still pushed forward, dealing his blows upon me with the utmost violence, which I parried with my shield and the hilt of my broken sword, and fought like a game-cock. An enormous bear at the same time attacked me: but I ran my hand still retaining the hilt of my broken sword down his throat, and tore up his tongue by the roots. I then seized his carcass by the hind legs, and whirling it over my head, gave the ISIareskin such a blow with his own bear as ev- idently stunned him. I repeated my blows, knock- in o- the bear's head against the Nareskin's head, until, by one happy blow, I got his head into the bear's jaws; and the creature being still somewhat alive and convulsive, the teeth closed upon him like nut-crackers. I threw the bear from me, but 20» 234 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF the Nareskin remained sprawling, unable to extri- cate his Lead from the bear's jaws, imploring for mercy. I gave the wretch his life — a lion preys not upon carcasses. At the same time my troop had effectually routed the bears and the rest of their adversaries. I was merciful, and ordered quarter to be given. At that moment I perceived Wauwau, flying at a great height through the heavens, and we instant- ly set out in pursuit of her, and never stopped until we arrived at Kamschatka — thence we passed to Otaheite. I met my old acquaintance Omai, who had been in England with the great navigator, Cook ; and I was glad to find he had established Sunday-schools over all the islands. I talked to him of Europe, and his former voyage to England. " Ah !" said he, most emphatically, " the English, the cruel English, to murder me with goodness and refine upon my torture — took me to Europe, and showed me the court of England, the delicacy of exquisite life : they showed me gods, and showed me heaven, as if on purpose to make me feel the loss of them." From these islands we set out, attended by a fleet BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 235 of canoes with iiglitiiig-stages and tlie cliiefest war- riors of the islands, commanded by Omai. Tlius the chariot of Queen Mab, my team of bulls and the crickets, the ark, the Sphinx, and the balloons, with Hilaro Frosticos, Gog and Magog, Lord Whit- tington, and the Lord Mayor's show, Don Quixote, &c., with my fleet of canoes, altogether cut a very formidable appearance on our arrival at the Isthmus of Darien. Sensible of what general benefit it would be to mankind, I immediately formed a plan of cutting a canal across the Isthmus from sea to sea. For this purpose I drove my chariot with the greatest impetuosity repeatedly from shore to shore, in the same track, tearing up the rocks and earth thereby, and forming a tolerable bed for the wa- ter. Gog and Magog next advanced at the head of a million of people, from the realms of ISTorth and South America, and from Europe; and with infinite labor cleared away the earth, &c., that I had ploughed up with my chariot. I then again drove my chariot, making the canal wider and deeper; and ordered Gog and Magog to repeat their labor as before. The canal being a quarter of a mile broad and three hundred yards in depth, I 236 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF thought it sufficient, and iuimediately let in the waters of the sea. I did imagine that, from the rotatory motion of the earth on its axis from west to east, the sea would be higher on the eastern than the western coast ; and that on the uniting of the two seas there would be a strong current from the east — and it happened just as I expected. The sea came in with tremendous magnificence, and en- larged the bounds of the canal, so as to make a passage of some miles broad from ocean to ocean, and made an island of South America. Several sail of tradins: vessels and men-of-war sailed throujj^h this new channel to the South Seas, China, &c., and saluted me with all their cannon as they passed. I looked through my telescope at the moon, and perceived the philosophers there in great commo- tion. They could plainly discern the alteration on the surface of our globe, and thought themselves somehow interested in the enterprise of their fellow-mortals in a neighboring planet. They seem- ed to think it admirable, that such little beings as we men should attempt so magnificent a per- formance, that would be observable even in a separate world. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 237 Thus having wedded the Atlantic Ocean to the South Sea, I returned to England, and found Wau- wau precisely in the very spot whence she had set out, after having led us a chase all round the world. 238 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF (ffiluujtier SUitty-tfti^^t* '•')^ EIZED with a fury of canal-cutting, I took it in my head to form an im- mediate communication between the Mediterranean and the Ked Sea ; and therefore set out for Petersburg. The sanguinary ambition of the empress would not listen to my proposal, until I took a private opportunity, taking a cup of coffee with her Majesty, to tell her that I would absolutely sacrifice myself for the general good of mankind ; and if she would accede to my proposal, would, on the completion of the canal, ijpsofacto^ give her my hand in marriage. '' My dear, dear Baron," said she, " I accede to every thing you please ; and agree to make peace with the Porte on the conditions, you mention : and," added she, rising with all the majesty of the Czarina, Empress of half the world, — " be it known BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 239 to all subjects, that we ordain tliese conditions, for such is our royal will and pleasure." I now proceeded to the Isthmus of Suez, at the head of a million of Russian pioneers, and there united my forces with a million of Turks, armed with shovels and pickaxes. They did not come to cut each other's throats, but, for their mutual in- terest, to facilitate commerce and civilization, and pour all the wealth of India by a new channel into Europe. " My brave fellows," said I, " consider the immense labor of the Chinese to build their celebra- ted wall ; think of what superior benefit to man- kind, is our present undertaking; persevere, and. fortune w^ill second your endeavors. Remember it is Munchausen who leads you on, and be convinced of success." Saying these words, I drove my chariot with all my might in my former track, that vestige mentioned by the Baron de Tott ; and when I w^as advanced considerably, I felt my chariot sinking "jnder me. I attempted to drive on, but the ground, or rather immense vault, giving way, my chariot and all went down precipitately. Stunned by the fall, I was some moments before I could recollect myself; when at 240 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF leiigtli, to my amazement, I perceived myself fallen into the Alexandrine Library, overwhelmed in an ocean of books — thousands of volumes came tum- bling on my head amid the ruins of that part of the vault through which my chariot had descended, and for a time buried my bulls and all beneath a heap of learning. However, I contrived to extricate myself, and advanced with awful admiration through the vast avenues of the library. I perceived on every side innumerable volumes and repositories of ancient learning, and all the science of the Antediluvian world. Here I met with Hermes Trismegistus and a parcel of old philosophers, debating upon the politics and learning of their days. I gave them inexpressible delight, in telling them in a few w^ords all the discoveries of ]N"ewton, and the history of the world, since their time. These gentry, on the contrary, told me a thousand stories of antiquity, that some of om* antiquarians would give their very eyes to hear. In short, I ordered the library to be preserved ; and I intend making a present of it, as soon as it arrives in England, to the Royal Society, together with Hermes Trismegistus, and half a dozen old BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 241 philosophers. I have got a beautiful cage made, in which I keep these extraordinary creatures, and feed them with bread and honey, as they seem to believe in a kind of doctrine of transmigration, and will not touch flesh. Hermes Trismegistus especially is a most antique-looking being, with a beard half a yard long, covered with a robe of golden embroid- ery, and prates like a parrot. He will cut a very brilliant figure in the Museum. Having made a track with my chariot from sea to sea, I ordered my Turks and Kussians to begin ; and in a few hours we had the pleasm-e of seeing a fleet of British East Indiamen in full sail through the canal. The officers of this fleet were very polite and paid me every applause and congratula- tion my exploits could merit. They told me of their aff'airs in India, and the ferocity of that dreadful warrior, Tippoo Saib ; on which I resolved to go to India and encounter the tyrant. I travelled down the Red Sea to Madras, and at the head of a few Sepoys and Europeans pursued the flying army of Tippoo to the gates of Seringapatam. I challenged him to mortal combat ; and, mounted on my steed, rode up to the walls of the fortress amid a storm of 21 242 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF slid Is and cannon-balls. As fast as the bombs and cannon-balls came upon me, I caught them in my hands like so many pebbles, and throwing them against the fortress, demolished the strongest ram- parts of the place. I took my mark so direct that whenever I aimed a cannon-ball or shell at any per- son on the ramparts, I was sure to hit him : and one time perceiving a tremendous piece of artillery pointed against me, and knowing the ball must be so great it would certainly stun me, I took a small cannon-ball, and just as I perceived the engineer going to order them to fire, and opening his mouth to give the word of command, I took aim and drove my ball precisely down his throat. Tippoo, fearing that all would be lost, that a gen- eral and successful storm would ensue if I continu- ed to batter the place, came forth upon his elephant to fight me — I saluted him, and insisted he should tire first. Tippoo, though a barbarian, was not deficient in politeness, and declined the compliment ; upon which I took of ni}^ hat, and bowing, told him it was an advantage Munchausen should never be said to accept from so gallant a warrior : on which Tip- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 243 poo instantly discharged his carbine, the ball from which hitting my horse's ear, made him plnngc with rage and indignation. In return, I discharged my pistol at Tippoo, and shot off his tnrban. lie had a small field-piece mounted with him on liis elephant, which he then discharged at me, and the grape-shot coming in a shower, rattled in the laurels that covered and shaded me all over, and remained pendant like berries on the branches. I then, advan- cing, took the proboscis of his elephant, and turning it against the rider, struck him repeatedly with the extremity of it on either side of the head, until I at length dismounted him. [N'othing could equal the rage of the barbarian on finding himself thrown from his elephant. He rose in a fit of despair, and rushed against my steed and myself : but I scorned to fight him at so great a disadvantage on liis bide, and di- rectly dismounted to fight him Imiid to hand. Never did I fight with any man who bore himself more nobly than this adversary ; he parried my blows, and dealt home his own in return with as- tonishing precision. The first blow of his sabre I received upon the bridge of my nose ; and, but for the bony firmness of that part of my face, it would 244 OKIGINAL TRAVELS OF have descended to mj mouth. I still bear the mark upon my nose. He next made a furious blow at my head, but I, parrying, deadened the force of his sabre, so that I received but one scar on my forehead ; and at the same instant, by a blow of my sword, cut off his arm ; and his hand and sabre fell to the earth ; he tot- tered for some paces, and dropped at the foot of his elephant. The sagacious animal seeing the danger of his master, endeavored to protect him by flom-- ishing his proboscis round the head of the Sultan. Fearless, I advanced against the elephant, desir- ous to take alive the haughty Tippoo Saib ; but he drew a pistol from his belt, and discharged it full in my face as I rushed upon him, which did me no further harm than wound my cheek-bone, which disfigures me somewhat under my left eye. I could not withstand the rage and impulse of that moment, and with one blow of my sword separated his head from his body. I returned overland from India to Europe with admirable velocity ; so that the account of Tippoo's defeat by me has not as yet arrived by the ordinary passage, nor can you expect to hear of it for a con- BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 245 siderable time. I simply relate tlie encounter as it happened between the Sultan and me ; and if there be any one who doubts the truth of what I say, he is an iniidel, and I will fight him at any time and place, and with any weapon he pleases. Hearing so many persons talk about raising the Koyal George, I began to take pity on that fine old ruin of British plank, and determined to have her up. I was sensible of the failure of the various means hitherto employed for the purpose, and therefore inclined to try a method difi'erent from any before attempted. I got an immense balloon, made of the toughest sail-cloth ; and, having de- descended in my diving-bell, and properly secured the hull with enormous cables, I ascended to the surface, and fastened my cables to the balloon. Prodigious multitudes were assembled to behold the elevation of the Royal George ; and as soon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable air, the vessel evidently began to move : but when my bal- loon was completely filled, she carried up the Royal George with the greatest rapidity. The vessel ap- pearing on the surface occasioned a universal shout of triumph from the millions assembled un the 21- 24:6 ORIGINAL TRAVELS' OF occasion. Still tlie balloon continued ascending, trailing the hull after like a lantern at the tail of a kite, and in a few minutes appeared floating among the clouds. It was then the opinion of many philosophers, that it would be more difficult to get her down than it had been to draw her up. But I convinced them to the contrary, by taking my aim so exactly with a twelve-pounder, that I brought her down in an instant. I considered that if I should break the bal- loon with a cannon-ball, while she remained with the vessel over the land, the fall would inevitably occasion the destruction of the hull, and which, in its fall, might crush some of the multitude ; therefore I thought it safer to take my aim when the balloon was over the sea, and point- ing my twelve-pounder, drove the ball right through the balloon ; on which the inflammable air rushed out with great force, and the Royal George descend- ed like a falling star into the very spot from whence she had been taken. There she still re- mains; but I have convinced all Europe of the possibility of taking her up. BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 247 (R\xix\)itic W\nxUj'fmxtU. ASSING through Switzerland, on my return from India, I was in- formed that several of the Ger- man nobility had been deprived of the honors and immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of the amiable Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that had threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these Anthro- pophagi, assembled to debate, and gracefully put- ting the hilt of my sword to my lips — " I swear," cried I, " by the sacred cross of my sword, that if you do not instantly reinstate your king and his nobility, and your injured queen, I will cut the one half of you to pieces." On which the President, taking up a leaden ink- stand, flung it at my head. I stooped to avoid the 248 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF h\ow, and rushing to the tribunal, seized the Speak- er, who was fuhninating against the Aristocrats ; and taking the creature by one leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me most noblj, drove them all out of the house, and, locking the doors, put the key in my pocket. I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him — " Sire," said I, " your enemies have all fled ; I alone am the IS'ational Assembly at present ; and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and the nobility ; and in future, if your Majesty pleases, I will be your Parliament and Council." He thanked, me, and the amiable Marie Antoinette, smiling, gave me her hand to kiss. At that moment I perceived a party of the Na- tional Assemblv, who had rallied with the IS^ational Guards, and a vast procession of fish-women, advan- cing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place of safety, and with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three hundred fish-women, with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands, came hallooing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned to defile my sword with their blood, but seized the first that came up, and mak- BAEON MUNCHAUSEN. 249 ing her kneel down, knighted her with my sword ; which so terrified the rest, that they set up a fright- ful yell, and ran away as fast as they could for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood. As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put them to flight ; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled them to take down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its place. I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most noble edifice dazzled my sight ; noble and sacred it was, but now converted to the vilest purposes, their monument de grands homines, a Christian Church that the Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst open the doors and en- tered sword in hand. Here I observed all the I^a- tioual Assembly marching round a great altar erect- ed to Yoltaire ; there was his statue in triumph, and the fish-women with garlands decking it, and sing- ing, "• Qa ira !" I could bear the sight no longer ; but rushed upon these pagans, and sacrificed them by dozens upon the spot. The members of the As- sembly, and the fish- women continued to invoke their great Voltaire, and all their masters in this 250 ORIGINAL TRAVELS OF monnnient de grands homines^ imploring them to come down and succor them against the Aristocrats, and the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were horrible, like the shrieks of watches and enchanters versed in magic and the black art ; while the thun- der growled, and storms shook the battlements, and Rousseau, Yoltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible spectres : one all meagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous, seemed death, that hideous skeleton, — it was Yoltaire, and in his hands were a Ijre and dagger. On the other hand was Rousseau, with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand ; and be- tween them was their father Beelzebub ! I shuddered at the sight ; and with all the enthu- siasm of rage, horror, and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Yoltaire, and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had advanced ; and while he spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the whole assembly shrieked, and their pandemonium began to tumble in hideous ruin on their heads. I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into my arms, weeping tenderly. " Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she ; " were BARON MUNCHAUSEN. 251 all the nobles of France like tliee, we should never have been brought to this !'' I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphin ascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant was to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within a few miles of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my assistance, hoped that I would not trouble myself any farther, as he was then, he presumed, out of danger ; and the Queen also with tears in her eyes, thanked me on her knees, and presented the Dauphin for my bless- ing. In short, I left the King eating a mutton- chop. I advised him not to delay, or he would cer- tainly be taken ; and setting spurs to my horse, wished them a good evening, and returned to Eng- land. If the King remained too long at the table, and was taken, it was not my fault. THE END. co^aaaoso^