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 RETURN TO 
 WALT Di 3TUDIO 
 
 GAG I
 
 THE 
 
 PUNSTER'S POCKET-BOOK, 
 
 ENLARGED. 
 
 BY 
 
 BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE EVGLISH SPY, ETC. ETC. ETC. 
 
 Give me the man, when all is done, 
 That wisely cracks a jest or pun." 
 
 Martini. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED WITH 
 
 JBumrroujj SDrtginat JDegiffnjS 
 BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, GILBERT, AND PIPER, 
 . PATERNOSTER-ROW. 
 
 -1826.
 
 , .Hi 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 VRINTF.D BY THOMAS DAVISOJf, WHITF.FR I ARS.
 
 BRLF 
 URL 
 
 TO 
 
 ?i?i?> ^tlo^t Gracious 
 KING GEORGE THE FOURTH, 
 
 THE ARBITER ELEGANTIARUM, 
 THE PATRON, 
 
 THE LOVER, 
 AND THE JUDGE OF WIT, 
 
 THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED, 
 
 WITH THE MOST FERVENT LOYALTY, 
 
 THE MOST SINCERE ADMIRATION, 
 
 AND THE MOST PROFOUND RESPECT, 
 
 BY HIS DEVOTED SERVANT, 
 
 AND FAITHFUL SUBJECT,
 
 WORD 
 
 THE WITTY AND THE WISE. 
 
 Wit led the way with sportive jest, 
 Next, Humour, most fantastic drest ; 
 The Graces, eldest of the Nine, 
 Followed collecting from each shrine, 
 Where Genius shed a ray of light, 
 Which might improve, instruct, delight. 
 
 MESSIEURS THE PUNSTERS, 
 
 I MAY with great propriety contend, that under 
 
 such merry designation, I am addressing a very 
 
 large portion of the British public. If, beneath 
 
 your patronage, this little work should prove as
 
 Vlll 
 
 Lancaster, surrounded by the rival roses. The Scriptures 
 opened are appropriate to the Tudor family ; and their na- 
 tional emblem, the thistle, is considered most emblematical 
 of the Stuart race. A lion, with the cap of liberty, denotes 
 the benefits England has derived from their successors, the 
 Prince of Orange ; and the unicorn chained to the scroll is 
 indicative of Hanover attached to the sovereignty of Great 
 Britain. The imperial crown of Charlemagne, which sur- 
 mounts Brunswick, is nearly obscured and lost behind the 
 crown and sceptre of a British sovereign, George the Fourth, 
 
 WHOM GOD PRESERVE.
 
 ..irc^sL-
 
 PROLEGOMENA ON PUNNING. 
 
 RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED 
 
 TO PUNSTERS IN GENERAL. 
 
 LITERARY FIREWORKS. 
 
 What are Puns, and Jests, and Quirks ? 
 But Literary Fireworks. 
 
 Here are squibs for dull November ; 
 Crackers, too, for gay December ; 
 Rockets, charged with wit and fun ; 
 Wild-Jires made to touch and run j 
 Blue-lights from the Em'rald Isle ; 
 British-balls, to chase the bile; 
 Jioman fires, an&jeux d'esprits; 
 From Vatican, and Thuilleries ; 
 And here's BLACKMANTLE punning elf- 
 To personate GUY VAUX himself. 
 
 IT will doubtless be the opinion of many a reader 
 that a Prefatory Essay on such a subject as Punning 
 can possess little of interest, and nothing of novelty. 
 I would, however, request any one entertaining 
 this idea to suspend his judgment till he has given 
 the matter ampler consideration. 
 
 I
 
 2 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 In addressing these preliminary remarks to pun- 
 sters in general, I think I have taken effectual means 
 to render them of universal interest. When a cer- 
 tain author, who had dedicated one of his volumes 
 " to those who think" was charged with want of 
 judgment in catering for such a limited number of 
 individuals, he justified his discernment by observ- 
 ing, that, however little numerous the body of think- 
 ing people might be, every reader would at least rank 
 himself in that class. Our question can stand on 
 much broader ground ; for we assert, without fear 
 of contradiction, that of the many judicious persons 
 who, without doubt, will peruse and patronise these 
 pages, not one will be found who is not only, seju- 
 dice, a punster, but who has not, probably " many 
 a time and oft," exhibited among his boon com- 
 panions whatever portion of talent he may possess 
 in that line of wit. It has been asked by a well- 
 known writer, " Did any man of liberal education 
 ever go through his teens without perpetrating the 
 crime of making verses ?" I am contented to wave 
 the narrow distinction, by which uneducated per- 
 sons would be excepted, and, with respect to the 
 nobler and far more generally diffused art of pun- 
 ning, would inquire, Does any one, whatever be his 
 rank or attainments, reach his twentieth year, with-
 
 ON PUNNING. 
 
 out (we will not speak so inaccurately as to say, 
 perpetrating the crime, but) contributing one or 
 more puns to the common stock ? Certainly not. 
 What the ancients rather hyperbolically asserted 
 of writing (for the many, who were uninstructed in 
 the mechanical part of that art, could not by possi- 
 bility have exercised ii),Scribimus indocti doctique, 
 is literally true as applied to punning : lettered and 
 unlettered, all alike pun away. From the humble 
 son of Crispin, who, having nothing but one of his 
 sutorial weapons at hand wherewith to despatch his 
 cotelette de bceitf, remarked that his all was at stake, 
 to the gifted Sheridan, who discovered that Doc- 
 tors' Commons was the greatest thoroughfare in 
 England, in virtue of the old adage, " where there 
 is a WILL, there is a WAY," each man sports his 
 calembourg. 
 
 Still, as it frequently happens that what is most 
 generally practised, is far from being best under- 
 stood, so is it with punning. It has been too much 
 the case to treat it with levity and inconsiderateness ; 
 to regard it as mere trifling ; to view it at best as a 
 feeble missile from the armoury of wit, only adapted 
 for the " puny (query punny ?) whipster," and 
 which those who are qualified to wield more va-
 
 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 luable weapons would scarcely deign to employ. 
 I trust that, in the course of these introductory ob- 
 servations, I shall effectually dispel all such er- 
 roneous prejudices, and shall satisfactorily assert 
 the true dignity of the art, so that my readers may 
 join with me in exclaiming, 
 
 " Punica se quantis attollet gloria rebus !" 
 
 and may perceive, that it is not only venerable 
 from its antiquity, and supported by the authority 
 of persons of taste and learning, who have inva- 
 riably cultivated it, but is likewise highly beneficial 
 to the bodily health, moral feeling, and intellectual 
 improvement of the community. 
 
 With respect to its antiquity, we find it treated 
 of by the most eminent writers upon rhetoric among 
 the ancients, who not only class it among the beau- 
 ties -of language, but have stamped it with the dig- 
 nity of a distinct figure of speech, assigning to it an 
 appropriate name. I make no observations upon 
 the injudicious attempts of some modern commen- 
 tators to ally it to the paranomasia, it being evi- 
 dently the antanaclasis of the rhetoricians. The 
 great Aristotle (Rhet. ch. 11.) enumerates two or 
 three different species of irafay^a/xjoiara, the name
 
 ON 1'UNNIXG. 5 
 
 he gives to puns, in his remarks upon this figure, 
 and cites examples of each kind, with expressions 
 of commendation, from some of the most celebrated 
 Greek authors. In Cicero's treatise on Oratory, a 
 variety of instances of the antanaclasis are quoted, 
 and highly praised by him for their wit. His own 
 puns, with which his works abound, are more di- 
 stinguished for their number than their excellence : 
 humour does not appear to have been his forte, but 
 his frequent attempts at punning sufficiently evince 
 the high estimation in which it was held by himself 
 and his contemporaries. The ancient poets, strange 
 as it may appear, were not, in general, adepts in 
 this art, if we except Aristophanes among the 
 Greeks, and Ovid and Martial among the Latins. 
 From the two last mentioned writers (the former of 
 whom indeed would readily furnish a cento of puns) 
 I beg leave to select two examples. The one is 
 where Ovid makes Leander say, " POSITO cum 
 veste timoreT the other is the well-known epigram 
 by Martial on the emperor Nero : 
 
 " Quis negai JEnece natum de stirpe Neronem ? 
 SUSTULIT hie matrem, SUSTULIT ille patrem." 
 
 I adduce these examples, because Addison, after 
 erroneously defining a pun to be merely " a conceit
 
 O PROLEGOMENA 
 
 arising from the use of two words that agree in the 
 sound, but differ in the sense, 1 ' goes on to inform us 
 that if translated into a different language, it will 
 vanish in the experiment ; in fact he would re- 
 present it as vox et prtelerea nihil, a sound, and 
 nothing but a sound. Unquestionably there are a 
 multitude of puns that might answer this de- 
 scription, but it is far from being applicable to all. 
 In the two instances I have just brought forward, 
 the words posito and sustulit can be exactly trans- 
 lated into English, and both the sense and the pun 
 retained. The truth is, that Addison, like many 
 more who have thought proper to be very severe on 
 the talents of the punning fraternity, was evidently 
 not very accurately acquainted with the nature of 
 what he was attacking. 
 
 If the plea of antiquity can thus be justly ad- 
 vanced in favour of punning, the continued ad- 
 herence of all nations in all periods to the practice, 
 may likewise with reason be urged in its support. 
 Nor are its ramifications of slight importance. It 
 may be considered as the origin of technical terms, 
 most of which, if properly analysed, will prove to 
 be virtual puns or conundrums ; as the parent of 
 double entendre of every description ; and even as 
 containing the germs of that slang formerly con-
 
 ON PUNNING. 7 
 
 fined to the lower walks of life, but, in our more 
 cnb'ghtened days, emulously studied even among 
 the Corinthian pillars of polished society. 
 
 The number of final letters, which among the 
 French are mere ciphers in pronunciation, has al- 
 ways given them a decided advantage in puns of 
 mere words over every other nation. Their writings 
 and conversation are alike replete with them ; but 
 they are almost invariably of that kind alluded to 
 by Addison, which are lost if clothed in any but 
 their native dress. Indeed this is almost a necessary 
 consequence of the very circumstance already al- 
 luded to, which ensures them such superior facility 
 in the production of puns. A brace of these I shall 
 present my readers with, both as exhibiting a strong 
 confirmation of what I have above said, and as being 
 of modern date, and, in my opinion, of sterling 
 excellence. The first of these is the reply made by 
 a Parisian wit, to a person who asked him what 
 was the true distinction between a flea and a louse. 
 He answered that they were only disciples of dif- 
 ferent philosophers: the lice being followers of 
 Epictetus (dcs pique-teles), and the fleas of Epi- 
 curus (des piqueurs). The other is an epigram, 
 much talked ofF at the time of its appearance in the 
 French metropolis, written by some wag, under a
 
 8 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 picture of Louis XVIII. painted by Le Gros, and 
 placed in one of the public exhibitions. The 
 striking resemblance of the head and neck of that 
 monarch to those of a rabbit is well known ; and of 
 this circumstance the malicious epigrammatist thus 
 happily avails himself in the pasquinade referred 
 to: 
 
 Le Gros 1'a peint ! (legros lupin !) 
 
 Le Gros 1'a peint ! 
 
 Notre bon souverain. 
 
 De la peinture admirez la magic : 
 
 Tout le raonde a la fois s'ecrie, 
 
 Le Gros 1'a peint I 
 
 Le Gros 1'a peint ! 
 
 As I have assumed the privilege in these re- 
 marks of being as desultory and digressive as I 
 please, I shall here notice what I term macaroni 
 punning, effected by a fictitious melange of different 
 languages. Sometimes this will arise from the in- 
 spection of a single word. Who, for instance, 
 can forbear smiling at the curious orthoepical coin- 
 cidence by which an accommodating fair one is in 
 Latin designated meretrix? This, however; is the 
 simplest effort of the macaroni class, and far from 
 implying that ingenuity visible in higher flights of 
 the same kind, which are frequently conspicuous
 
 ON PUNNING. y 
 
 for their wit and pithiness. Lord Erskine's in- 
 scription on his tea chest, Tu doces, is of great 
 merit in its way. Lord Norbury, I believe, has 
 the reputation of having observed, upon seeing 
 some young fellow vain of his personal attractions 
 almost in tears at contemplating the manner in 
 which the nocturnal attacks of a band of jumpers 
 had disfigured his face, " Fle-bit, he will weep." 
 His countryman Currants reply to his rival counsel 
 Egan, will not easily be forgotten. The latter, 
 coming out of court, and observing on Currants 
 coat a certain disgrace to the poll, addressed him 
 in the words of Virgil : 
 
 " Die mihi, Damceta, cujum pecus ? an Meliboei ?" 
 
 Curran immediately replied by completing the 
 passage : 
 
 " Non, verum JEooNis : nuper mihi tradidit JEooN." 
 
 Probably, however, Swift's impromptu quotation 
 on seeing a Cremona violin swept off a table by a 
 lady's mantua : 
 
 " Mantua, vse ! miserse nimium vicina Cremona?," 
 
 will always stand at the head of puns of this class. 
 I own that I am particularly delighted with a
 
 10 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 good macaroni pun. It necessarily implies, not 
 only superior wit, but a considerable fund of learn- 
 ing, on the part of the punster. And what is still 
 better, it shows that this learning is free from the 
 rust of pedantry, tending to enliven those around 
 him, and not to create in him a repulsive conceit, 
 and a haughty estrangement from society. His 
 candle is not hidden under a bushel, but freely and 
 cheerfully dispenses its light : His treasure is not 
 kept in the form of useless hoarded bullion, but is 
 converted into a valuable circulating medium, the 
 coin being liberally and extensively distributed by 
 its owner. 
 
 The inmates of universities have usually been 
 remarked for their attachment to punning. The 
 men of Cambridge, in particular, have ever, from 
 their foundation, been distinguished by their excel- 
 lence as paragrammatists. It surely not a little 
 exalts this noble art, that those who have enjoyed 
 peculiar opportunities of justly appreciating every 
 thing connected both with abstruse and polite li- 
 terature, should have sedulously cultivated it. And 
 I think I may be allowed to say, in contradiction 
 to the reiterated attempts of prejudice and stupidity 
 to undervalue it, that I never met with a person
 
 ON PUNNING. 11 
 
 incapable of some degree of excellence in punning, 
 who was remarkable for any species of wit above 
 the practical jokes of a merry-andrew. 
 
 But it is not only on its high antiquity, its ex- 
 tensive diffusion, or the distinguished authorities 
 that can be adduced in support of it, that the claims 
 of punning are founded. The philosopher who 
 defined man to be ro faov yeXwt, certainly selected 
 the only characteristic besides that of speech, which 
 particularly and exclusively distinguishes man from 
 the brute creation. 
 
 " 'Twas said of old, deny it now who can, 
 The only laughing animal is man. 
 The bear may leap, its lumpish cubs in view, 
 Or sportive cat her circling tail pursue ; 
 The grin deep-lengthen pug's half-human face, 
 Or prick'd up ear confess the siinp'ring ass : 
 In awkward gestures awkward mirth be shown, 
 Yet, spite of gesture, man still laughs alone." 
 
 Now to the exercise of this high and distinguished 
 prerogative of our nature, what is a more certain 
 stimulant than a pun ? If it be good, you laugh 
 at the pun ; if bad, at the punster ; and in either 
 case, he is almost certain to laugh himself. More-
 
 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 over, the punster is one of all others, " qtietnjocus 
 risusque circumvolat " not only witty himself, but 
 the cause. of wit in others; for it is rarely, indeed, 
 in the social circle, that one pun is not the signal 
 for a series of others. The cards are generally 
 played after the first is led, till the suit is fairly 
 out. 
 
 But laughter is not only one of the principal fa- 
 culties which distinguish man from inferior animals ; 
 it likewise contributes greatly to the promotion and 
 preservation of health. " Laugh and grow fat, 11 is 
 a very old and a very wise adage. 
 
 And observe, the fat which thus increaseth the 
 ribs is wholesome, good, firm fat, bearing no re- 
 semblance whatever to the adipose envelope of the 
 bloated and corpulent. Those who are clothed 
 with laughter-begotten fat are, moreover, in ge- 
 neral, of humour frank and free, cordial, cheerful, 
 and enterprising ; as dissimilar to the indolent, 
 arthritic, or the selfish gourmand, as to the cada- 
 verous, saturnine, acetous beings who stalk about 
 like so many skeletons, galvanised into temporary 
 motion, and presenting a memento mori to all they 
 meet. And if such be the genial, the beneficial, 
 effects of laughter, can we laud too highly the
 
 CW PUNNING. 13 
 
 practice of punning, that most apt and prompt in- 
 strument of promoting it ? 
 
 In another point of view, too, this art doth not a 
 little contribute to the advancement and improve- 
 ment of moral feeling. How often have the aspe- 
 rities incident to conversation been instantly soft- 
 ened down by the means of a well-timed pun? 
 How many a rising storm of colloquial debate and 
 controversial wrath has been dispelled by the same 
 salutary agency, when wisdom would have failed 
 to convince, or mediation to conciliate ? The able 
 punster has perhaps more frequent opportunities 
 than any other character, of securing the blessing 
 pronounced upon the peace-maker. 
 
 The pious Dr. Watts, in his Introduction to 
 Logic, has commented on the moral as well as 
 literary evils arising from the number of equivocal 
 and the comparative paucity of univocal words. 
 Now the knowledge of a disease being half its cure, 
 who is so likely to be exempt from the evils arising 
 from the above-mentioned sources as the punster? 
 Every fresh touch of his art may be considered as 
 a discovery of some more of these dangerous equi- 
 vocals, and indeed his whole life may be regarded 
 as a philanthropic voyage in quest of them, com-
 
 14 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 birring the double advantage of exciting mirth by 
 their timely production, and affording a salutary 
 warning to the hearer against the employment of 
 such Proteus terms in grave and serious discussion. 
 Thus again we see the paragrammatist enabled to 
 contribute in a high degree to the social enjoyment, 
 literary improvement, and moral amelioration of 
 his fellow creatures. 
 
 If wit consists principally, as the first of modem 
 philosophers has affirmed, in the unexpected asso- 
 ciation of ideas apparently far removed in their na- 
 ture from each other, punning must, in its very 
 essence, claim to rank in the highest class of wit. 
 And how must the frequent exercise of searching 
 for such associations, and bringing them however 
 recondite to light, sharpen the intellect of the indi- 
 vidual engaged in it ! We have already adverted 
 to the general practice of this art among the mem- 
 bers of our universities ; we may likewise observe 
 that the learned body of the law, a body distin- 
 guished perhaps beyond any other for their su- 
 perior shrewdness, and extent of general informa- 
 tion, are universally partial to it. The barrister 
 who pleads, and the judge who directs, are alike 
 ambitious to display their excellence in this highly
 
 ON PUNNING. 15 
 
 prized art ; and justice herself, though for the sake 
 of her character she must needs be blind, is rarely 
 found deaf to the sallies of the punster. 
 
 Ohe ! jam satis est. Sufficient, we are persuaded, 
 has been said to satisfy all persons of the value 
 and excellence of punning, except indeed the ob- 
 stinately incredulous; and such, as a just pu- 
 nishment, we would excommunicate for ever from 
 the enjoyment of puns, and the society of punsters. 
 Can we pronounce a severer doom ? 
 
 But as the best of things are the most liable to 
 abuses, so has the cause of punning suffered much 
 from the want of judgment evinced by many of its 
 votaries. Anxious, as far as possible, to contribute 
 to maintaining this noble art in the possession of 
 its well-merited reputation, we venture a few words 
 of caution to some of its professors on the errors 
 too frequently committed by them. 
 
 Imprimis, a pun, like an epigram, is worth little 
 indeed if the point can be anticipated. Hence 
 proper names, though they have in some few in- 
 stances been successfully worked upon, are in ge- 
 neral bad materials for the punster. The attempt 
 to pun upon Black, White, Green, Brown, Scott, 
 England, and id genus omne, if productive of any
 
 16 PROLEGOMENA 
 
 laughter, is of that only which is excited by 
 the imbecility and empty pretensions of him who 
 makes it. In justice to our contemporary JOHN 
 BULL, we must observe that on this very dangerous 
 ground, he is almost the only person who has had 
 the singular felicity of uniformly appearing with 
 success. 
 
 For the same reason that we object to proper 
 names, we need scarcely observe that all trite puns 
 are detestable. There are a number of words, 
 such as heart, love, soul, last, grave, and a host of 
 others, that have been fairly worn thread-bare in 
 the service. Let him whose wit is not competent 
 to discover some other sources than these hackneyed 
 ones, be a listener, but by no means a speaker in a 
 circle of punsters. Decies repetita placebit, how- 
 ever just it may be as the criterion of merit in a 
 poem, will never do for a pun, one of whose chief 
 excellencies is novelty, nay, which often, however 
 rich at the moment of its utterance, will not suc- 
 cessfully admit of repetition, even to those who 
 have never before heard it, at another time and 
 under different circumstances. 
 
 A pun can rarely be considered very good, which 
 involves a difference of orthography. It appears
 
 ON PUNNING. 17 
 
 like a descent from its true dignity to the level of 
 a common conundrum. 
 
 Lastly, let every punster bear in mind, that 
 punning is only the sauce of conversation, and that 
 he who thinks to entertain by introducing it con- 
 tinually into his discourse, resembles a man who 
 should present me with a dish of Cayenne pepper 
 alone by way of a meal. It may likewise be ob- 
 served, that what is usually called an inveterate, 
 is never a good punster. The constant desire of 
 display, by accustoming himself to be contented 
 with mediocrity, or something below it, almost 
 disqualifies him from uttering any thing above it. 
 We may say with justice, " a pun spoken in good 
 season, how good is it P Time, and place, and 
 persons too, must be regarded. The punster, while 
 he enlivens conversation, is one of the greatest ac- 
 quisitions to a company ; when he only interrupts 
 it, he is one of its greatest nuisances. Much more 
 could we add concerning both the theory and 
 practice of this art, but we would not willingly 
 become tedious. Gentle reader, whosoever thou art, 
 receive in good part what we have here written ; 
 imbue thyself with such a love of punning, and 
 such a sense of its dignity, that thy efforts may 
 exalt and not degrade it : so shalt thou merit the 
 
 c
 
 18 
 
 PROLEGOMENA, &C. 
 
 good wish which, with a sincere heart, we now 
 bestow upon thee : Mayest thou become one of the 
 warmest admirers of punning, and shine as one of 
 the first of punsters !
 
 THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING 
 
 FROM PLATO S SYMPOSIACKS. 
 
 BY DR. SHERIDAN. 
 
 ONCE on a time in merry mood, 
 Jove made a Pun of flesh and blood : 
 A double two-faced living creature, 
 Androgynes, of two-fold nature, 
 For back to back with single skin 
 He bound the male and female in ; 
 So much alike, so near the same, 
 They stuck as closely as their name. 
 Whatever words the male exprest, 
 The female turn'd them to a jest ; 
 Whatever words the female spoke, 
 The male converted to a joke : 
 So, in this form of man and wife 
 They led a merry punning life. 
 
 The gods from heaven descend to earth, 
 Drawn down by their alluring mirth ;
 
 20 THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING. 
 
 So well they seem'd to like the sport, 
 
 Jove could not get them back to court. 
 
 Th' infernal gods ascend as well, 
 
 Drawn up by magic puns from hell. 
 
 Judges and furies quit their post, 
 
 And not a soul to mind a ghost. 
 
 ' Heyday !' says Jove : says Pluto too, 
 
 ' I think the Devil's here to do; 
 
 Here's hell broke loose, and heaven's quite empty ; 
 
 We scarce have left one god in twenty. 
 
 Pray what has set them all a-running ?' 
 
 'Dear brother, nothing else but punning. 
 
 Behold that double creature yonder 
 
 Delights them with a double entendre? 
 
 1 Odds-fish,' says Pluto, ' where 's your thunder ? 
 Let's drive, and split this thing asunder !' 
 * That's right,' quoth Jove ; with that he threw 
 A bolt, and split it into 'two ; 
 And when the thing was split in twain, 
 Why then it punn'd as much again. 
 
 6 'Tis thus the diamonds we refine, 
 The more we cut, the more they shine ; 
 And ever since your men of wit, 
 Until they're cut, can't pun a bit. 
 So take a starling when 'tis young, 
 And down the middle slit the tongue,
 
 THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING. 
 
 With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter, 
 You'll find the bird will doubly chatter. 
 
 ' Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know, 
 'Tis well I did not slit my Juno ! 
 For, had I done't, whene'er she'd scold me, 
 She'd make the heavens too hot to hold me.' 
 The gods, upon this application, 
 Return'd each to his habitation, 
 Extremely pleas'd with this new joke ; 
 The best, they swore, he ever spoke.
 
 ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM; 
 
 ART OF PUNNING, 
 
 THE FLOWER OF LANGUAGES: 
 
 IN SEVENTY-NINE RULES: 
 
 FOR THE FURTHER IMPROVEMENT OF CONVERSATION, 
 AND HELP OF MEMORY. 
 
 LABOUR AND INDUSTRY OF TOM PUN-SIBI. 
 
 K\ ambigua dicta vel argutissima putantur ; sed non semper in 
 joco, saepe etiam in gravitate versantur. Ingeniosi enim videtur, 
 vim verbi in aliud atque caeteri accipiant, posse ducere." 
 
 Cicero, de Oratore, Lib. ii. 61, 2.
 
 TO 
 
 THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 SIR JOHN SCRUB, BART. 
 
 AND WINE-MERCHANT, 
 
 THIS DEDICATION IS HUMBLY PRESENTED BY THE 
 AUTHOR. 
 
 YOUR honour's character is too well known in the 
 world to stand in need of a dedication ; but I can 
 tell you, that my fortune is not so well settled but 
 I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since 
 I am to write a dedication, I must, for decency, 
 proceed in the usual method. 
 
 First, I then proclaim to the world your high 
 and illustrious birth : that you are, by the father's 
 side, descended from the most ancient and cele- 
 brated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mo- 
 ther's, from Earl Percy. Some indeed have been 
 so malicious as to say, your grandmother kilPd-hcr- 
 kin: but, I think if the authors of the report were 
 found out, they ought to be hampered. I will 
 allow that the world exclaims deservedly against 
 your mother) because she is no. friend to the bottle ;
 
 26 DEDICATION. 
 
 otherwise they would deserve a. firkin, as having no 
 grounds for what they say. However, I do not 
 think it can sully your fine and bright reputation ; 
 for the credit you gained at the battle of Hogshed, 
 against the Duke of Burgundy, who felt no sham- 
 pain, when you forced him to sink beneath your 
 jx)wer, and gave his whole army a brush, may in 
 time turn to your account ; for, to my knowledge, 
 it put his highness upon the fret. This indeed 
 was no less racking to the king his master, who 
 found himself gross-lee mistaken in catching a tartar. 
 For the whole world allowed, that you brought him 
 a peg lower, by giving him the parting-blow, and 
 making all his rogues in buckram to run. Not to 
 mention your great a-gillity, though you are past 
 your prim-age ; and may you never lack-age, with 
 a sparkling wit, and brisk imagination ! May your 
 honour also wear long, beyond the common scant- 
 ling of human life, and constantly proceed in your 
 musical diversions of pipe and sack-but, hunting 
 with tarriers, &c. and may your good humour in 
 saying, " / am-pJior-a-bottle^ never be lost to the 
 joy of all them that drink your wine for nothing, 
 4ind especially of, 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 TOM PuN-SiBi.
 
 A SPECIMEN; 
 A SPICE I MEAN. 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 Htec nos, ab imis Pun-icorum annalibiis 
 Prolata, longo tempore edidimus tibi. FKST. 
 
 I've raked the ashes of the dead, to show 
 Puns were in vogue five thousand years ago. 
 
 THE great and singular advantages of PUNNING, 
 and the lustre it gives to conversation, are com- 
 monly so little known in the world, that scarce one 
 man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, 
 appears to have the least tincture of it in his dis- 
 course. This I can impute to nothing but that it 
 hath not been reduced to a science; and indeed 
 Cicero seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may 
 gather from his second book de Oratore *, where 
 he has this remarkable passage: " Suavis autem 
 est et vehementer saepe utilis jocus et facetiae cum 
 
 * Lib. ii- liv.
 
 28 PREFACE TO THK 
 
 a)nbiguitate in quibus tu longe aliis men sententia, 
 Caesar, excellis : quo magis mihi etiam testis esse 
 potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, 
 earn nos tu potissimum docebis." " Punning is 
 extremely delightful, and oftentimes very profitable; 
 in which, as far as I can judge, Caesar, you excel 
 all mankind ; for which reason you may inform me, 
 whether there be any art of Punning ; or, if there 
 be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct me 
 in it." So much was this great man affected with 
 the art, and such a noble idea did he conceive of it, 
 that he gave Caesar the preference to all mankind, 
 only on account of that accomplishment ! 
 
 Let critics say what they will, I will venture to 
 affirm, that Punning, of all arts and sciences, is 
 the most extraordinary : for all others are circum- 
 scribed by certain bounds ; but this alone is found 
 to have no limits, because to excel therein requires 
 a more extensive knowledge of all things. A Pun- 
 ner inust be a man of the greatest natural abilities, 
 and of the best accomplishments : his wit must be 
 poignant and fruitful, his understanding clear and 
 distinct, his imagination delicate and cheerful ; he 
 must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far 
 above all mean and low conceptions ; and these 
 must be sustained with a vivacity fit to express his
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 29 
 
 ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and 
 sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble 
 and sublime. 
 
 And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing 
 upon my reader, I must entreat him to consider 
 how high Plato has carried his sentiments of this 
 art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen 
 farther into Heaven than any Heathen either before 
 or since). Does not he say positively, in his Cra- 
 tylus, " Jocos et Dii amant,"" the gods themselves 
 love Punning? whicli I arn apt to believe from 
 Homer's a,<r@s<rrof yeKioc, unextinguished laughter ; 
 because there is no other motive could cause such 
 continued merriment among the gods. 
 
 As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it 
 to be very early among the Chaldeans ; which any 
 one may see at large, who will read what he says 
 upon the word rvtf Pun, Vocula est Chaldaeis fami- 
 liarissima, &c. " It is a word that is most fre- 
 quently in use among the Chaldeans,"" who were 
 first instructed in the methods of punning by their 
 magi, and gained such reputation, that Ptolema?us 
 Philo-punnaeus sent for six of those learned priests, 
 to propagate their doctrine of puns in six of his 
 principal cities ; which they did with such success, 
 that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a
 
 30 PREFACE TO THE 
 
 full collection of all the puns made within his do- 
 minions for three years past ; and this collection 
 filled one large apartment of his library, having 
 this following remarkable inscription over the door : 
 
 " The shop of the souPs physic *." 
 
 Some authors, but upon what ground it is un- 
 certain, will have Pan, who in the ^Eolic dialect is 
 called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because, they 
 say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and 
 Punning free of all languages, it is highly probable 
 that it owes its first origin, as well as name, to this 
 god : others again attribute it to Janus, and for 
 this reason Janus had two faces ; and of conse- 
 quence they conjectured every word he spoke had 
 a double meaning. But, however, I give little 
 credit to these opinions, which I am apt to believe 
 were broached in the dark and fabulous ages of the 
 world; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad, 
 there can be no great dependence upon profane 
 history. 
 
 * Vide Joseph. Bengor. Chronic, in Edit. Georg. Horae- 
 didse. Seriem Godoliae Tradit. Hebraic. Corpus Paradoseon 
 Titulo Megill. c. i. 8. Chronic. Samarit. Abulphetachi. 
 Megillat. Taanit.
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 31 
 
 I am much more inclined to give credit to Bux- 
 torf ; nor is it improbable that Pythagoras, who 
 spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies, 
 brought this art, together with some arcana of phi- 
 losophy, into Greece ; the reason for which might 
 be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual 
 assistance to each other : " For," says he, *< puns 
 are like so many torch-lights in the head, that give 
 the soul a very distinct view of those images, which 
 she before seemed to grope after as if she had been 
 imprisoned in a dungeon.' 1 From whence he looked 
 upon puns to be so sacred, and had such a regard 
 to them, that he left a precept to his disciples, for- 
 bidding them to eat beans, because they were called 
 in Greek ituwoi. " Let not, 11 says he, " one grain 
 of the seeds be lost ; but preserve and scatter them 
 over all Greece, that both our gardens and our 
 fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on ac- 
 count of its name, not only brings an honour to our 
 country, but, as it disperses its effluvia in the air, 
 may also, by a secret impulse, prepare the soul for 
 punning, which I esteem the first and great felicity 
 of life. 11 
 
 This art being so very well recommended by so 
 
 . great a man, it was not long before it spread 
 
 through all Greece, and at last was looked upon to
 
 32 PREFACE TO THE 
 
 be such a necessary accomplishment, that no person 
 was admitted to a feast who was not first examined, 
 and if he were found ignorant of punning, he was 
 dismissed with 'Exa$ ere, feZyhot, " Hence, ye pro- 
 fane !" 
 
 If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let 
 him consult the apophthegms of Plutarch, who, 
 after he had passed several encomiums upon this 
 art, gives some account of persons eminent in it ; 
 among which (to shorten my preface) I choose one 
 of the most illustrious examples, and will entertain 
 the courteous reader with the following story : 
 " King Philip had his collar-bone broken in a 
 battle ; and his physician expecting money of him 
 every visit, the king reproved him with a pun, 
 saying he had the key in his own hands. 11 For the 
 word xAf/;, in the original, signifies both a key and 
 a collar-bone *. 
 
 We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes 
 Laertius 1 s " Lives of the Philosophers ;" and those 
 made by the wisest and gravest men among them, 
 even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pre- 
 tending to withstand the irresistible charms of pun- 
 ning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer 
 
 * Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177.
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 33 
 
 Yet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for 
 he was a tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, 
 that Scaliger said, " He would rather have been 
 
 O * 
 
 author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is 
 as follows : Didymus (not Didymus the commen- 
 tator upon Homer, but a famous rake among the 
 ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a 
 virgin's eye that was sore, had this caution given 
 him by Diogenes, " Take care you do not corrupt 
 your pupil." The word xo'^a signifies both the 
 pupil of the eye and a virgin *. 
 
 It would be endless to produce all the authorities 
 that might be gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, 
 Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergaeus, Dionysius Hali- 
 carnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Me- 
 nander, Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, 
 Demosthenes, Euripides, Thucydides, Plato, Aris- 
 totle, &c. ; from every one of which I should have 
 produced some quotations, were it not that we are 
 so unfortunate in this kingdom not to have Greek 
 types sufficient for such an undertaking -f- : for 
 
 * See Laertius. 
 
 t Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer 
 to be without Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious 
 complaint at Dublin in 1719.
 
 34 PREFACE TO THE 
 
 want of which, I have been put to the necessity, in 
 the word xopa, of writing an alpha for an eta. 
 
 However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring 
 some few testimonies, to show in what great esteem 
 the art of punning was among the most refined wits 
 at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will 
 appear from the following quotations. 
 
 Quinctilian says *, " Urbanitas est virtus quaedam, 
 in breve dictum, verum sensu duplici, coacta, et 
 apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus trans- 
 lated, " Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short 
 expression, with a double meaning, and fitted to de- 
 light the ladies." 
 
 Lucretius also, 
 
 Quo magis sternum da dictis, Diva, leporem. 
 " Goddess, eternal puns on me bestow." 
 
 And elsewhere, 
 
 Omnia enim lepidi magis admirantur, amantque 
 Germanis quae sub verbis latitantia cernunt : 
 Verbaque constituunt simili fucata sonore, 
 Nee simili sensu, sed quse mentita placerent. 
 
 " All men of mirth and sense admire and love 
 Those words which like twin-brothers doubtful prove , 
 
 * Institut. Orator, lib. vi. p. 265.
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 35 
 
 When the same sounds a different sense disguise, 
 In being deceived the greatest pleasure lies." 
 
 Thus Claudian : : n . fi 
 
 Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque .jocosse, 
 Vim duplicem rident, lacrymosaque gaudia miscent. 
 
 " From word to word th' ambiguous sense is play'd ; 
 Laughing succeeds, and joyful tears are shed." 
 
 And Martial : 
 
 Sit mihi, China, conies, salibus dictisque facctus, 
 Qui sapit ambiguos fundere ab ore sonos. 
 
 " Cinna, give me the man, when all is done, 
 That wisely knows to crack a jest and pun." 
 
 Petronius likewise will tell you, 
 
 Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum, 
 Ingenii facilis qua; documenta dabunt. 
 
 " Jokes, repartees, and laugh, and pun polite, 
 Are the true test to prove a man is right." 
 
 And Lucan : 
 
 Illi egt imperium risus, qui fraude leporis 
 Ambigua fallens, humeros quatit usque solutis 
 Nexibus, ac tremuli trepidant curvamina dorsi, 
 Et jecur, et cordis fibras, et pandit anhelas 
 Pulmonis late-bras 
 
 " He's king of mirth, that slightly cheats our sense 
 With pun ambiguous, pleasing in suspense ; 
 The shoulders lax become, the bending back 
 Upheaved with laughter, makes our ribs to crack ; 
 E'en to the liver he can joys impart, 
 And play upon the fibres of the heart ; 
 
 D2
 
 36 PREFACE TO THE 
 
 Open the chambers of longues *, and there 
 Give longer life in laughing, than in air." 
 
 But to come nearer home, and our own times ; 
 we know that France, in the late reign, was the 
 seat of learning and policy ; and what made it so, 
 but the great encouragement the king gave punners 
 above any other men : for it is too notorious, to 
 quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand gave 
 a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made 
 upon an abbot, who died in a field, having a lily 
 growing out of his a : 
 
 " Habe mortem prae oculis. 
 Abbe mort en prez au culiz." 
 
 Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry 
 de Lageltre the painter (though the pun and the 
 picture turned against himself), who drew his ma- 
 jesty shooting, and at some distance from him an- 
 other man aiming at the same fowl, who was with- 
 held by a third person, pointing at the king, with 
 these words from his mouth, 
 
 " Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant ?" 
 
 Having now, from the best authorities, plainly 
 proved the antiquity and excellence of the art of 
 
 * Potius lungs, as a Dutch commentator would observe.
 
 ART OF TUNNING. 37 
 
 punning, nothing remains but to give some general 
 directions as to the manner how this science is to 
 be taught. 
 
 1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it. 
 
 2. Let her be appointed to teach her children. 
 
 3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all 
 the rest, and that every morning before the master 
 and mistress are up. 
 
 4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule 
 every day, with the examples ; and every visiting- 
 day be brought up, to show the company what fine 
 memories they have. 
 
 5. They must go ten times through the book, 
 before they be allowed to aim at a pun. 
 
 6. They must every day of their lives repeat 
 six synonymous words, or words like in sound, 
 before they be allowed to sit down to dinner, 
 such as 
 
 Assent, Ascent. 
 A Lass, Alas. 
 Bark, Barque. 
 
 Alter, Altar. 
 A Peer, Appear. 
 Barbery, Barberrie. 
 
 They are all to be found in metre, most labo- 
 riously compiled by the learned author of " The 
 English School-master," printed anno 1641, London 
 edit. p. 52.
 
 38 PREFACE TO THE 
 
 7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain 
 to this science, let him be disinherited as non- 
 compos, and the estate given to the next hopeful 
 child. 
 
 Si quid novisti rectius istis, 
 
 Candidas imperti : si non, his utere mecum *. 
 
 " If any man can better rules impart, 
 
 I'll give him leave to do't with all my heart!" 
 
 PARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACE 
 THAT WAS OMITTED, 
 
 WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT OR 
 DISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES. 
 
 THERE is a remarkable passage in Petronius 
 Arbiter, which plainly proves, by a royal example, 
 that punning was a necessary ingredient to make an 
 entertainment agreeable. The words are these : 
 " Ingerebat nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, 
 Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem 
 
 * Hor. Ep. I. i. 67.
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 3U 
 
 toties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui cum 
 qui supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. 
 At ille qui saepius ejusmodi ludos spectaverat, 
 Vides, inquit, ilium qui obsonium carpit, Carpus 
 vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem 
 verbo et vocat et imperat." And it is further re- 
 markable, that every day of his life he made the 
 same pun at dinner and supper.
 
 A SECOND PREFACE. 
 
 LEST my modesty should be called in question, 
 for venturing to appear in print, in an age so fa- 
 mous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am 
 bound to say this in my own defence, that these 
 few sheets were not designed to be made public, as 
 being written for my own private use: but what 
 will not the importunity of friends conquer ? they 
 were no sooner discovered in my study, but my 
 merry friend George Rochfort, my learned ac- 
 quaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured 
 patron Jonathan Swift, all unanimously agreed, 
 that I should do my own reputation and the world 
 that justice, as to send " such a treasure of know- 
 ledge" (as they were pleased to express themselves) 
 to the press. As for the work itself, I may ven- 
 ture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and 
 entirely unattempted before. For which reason, I 
 hope the candid reader will be favourable in his 
 judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in
 
 A SECOND PREFACE. 41 
 
 their infancy have been weak and feeble. The 
 next age may supply where I have been defective ; 
 and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in 
 punning. We know that logicians first spun out 
 reason in categories, predicaments, and enunciations ; 
 and at last they came to wind up their bottoms 
 in syllogisms, which is the completing of that 
 science. 
 
 The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which 
 the Egyptians flourished. Then these, crossing the 
 sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came into 
 Greece, where they were improved very much by 
 Pythagoras, Anaxagoras, and OEnopides of Chios. 
 These were followed by Briso, Antipho, Hippo- 
 crates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art 
 was begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence 
 as is conceived the word algebra took its rise), and 
 was much since improved by Cardanus, Tartaglia, 
 Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. 
 Van Schooten, Florida de Beaune, &c. 
 
 But to return to the Art of Punning again ; the 
 progress and improvement of which, I hope, will be 
 equal to the sciences I have mentioned ; or to any 
 superior to them, if there be such : reader, I must 
 trespass a little longer on your patience, and tell 
 you an old maxim, Bonum quo communius^ eo me-
 
 42 A SECOND PEEFACE. 
 
 lius, " Good, the more common, the better it is."" 
 You see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee 
 gathered my honey from various flowers ; but yet 
 I cannot say, without some diminution and loss to 
 the persons from whom I have taken the examples 
 to my rules, who are likely never to use their puns 
 again. 
 
 And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, 
 I must declare to the world, that my worthy friend 
 
 Dr. R , who is singularly remarkable for his 
 
 unparalleled skill in punning, and a most indus- 
 trious promoter of it, has been a very great instru- 
 ment in bringing this work to light, as well by ani- 
 mating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to 
 procure a good letter for the impression. 
 
 The favourable acceptance that my puns have 
 met with in some private companies, makes me 
 flatter myself, that my labours therein will be can- 
 didly accepted, as they have been cordially intended 
 to serve my native country. 
 
 TOM PUN-SIBI. 
 
 From my Study, up one Pair of 
 Stairs, ill-contrived Street- 
 wards, August Sib,, 1719-
 
 THE 
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 " PUNNATA dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, alio- 
 rum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud 
 referuntur." 
 
 Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have 
 a relation to something else ; or, if they have not, 
 any other reason why will serve as well. 
 
 The Physical Definition of Punning, according to 
 Cardan. 
 
 Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon 
 words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling 
 upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in 
 those parts ; and this being conveyed by the animal 
 spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles 
 of the heart. 
 
 The Moral Definition of Punning. 
 Punning is a virtue that most effectually pro- 
 motes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing.
 
 44 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 N. B. I design to make the most celebrated 
 punners in these kingdoms examples to the following 
 rules. 
 
 RULE 1 . The capital Rule. He that puns, must 
 have a head for it ; that is, he must be a man of 
 letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, what- 
 ever men may think of his judgment ; like Dr. 
 Swift *, who said, when a lady threw down a cre- 
 mona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua, 
 
 " Mantua vae miserse nimium vicina Cremonse !" 
 
 Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. 
 Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. 
 Vid. Popish Legend, torn. Ixxviii. p. 15,000. ' 
 
 R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have 
 
 good assurance, like my Lord B , who puns in 
 
 all companies. 
 
 R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better 
 
 assurance, like Brigadier C , who said, ' That, 
 
 as he was passing through a street, he made to a 
 country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick 
 over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him 
 whether it was his own hair, or a perriwig ?' whereas 
 it is a notorious Oxford jest. 
 
 * In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is 
 ascribed to Dr. Delany.
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 45 
 
 1 
 
 R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must 
 have the best assurance, like Dr. D , who, 
 although I had in three fair combats worsted him, 
 yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth 
 time. 
 
 R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man^s 
 puns about half an hour after he has made them ; 
 as Dr. E and Mr. F frequently do. 
 
 I remember one day I was in company with 
 
 them, and upon Major G saying, l That he 
 
 would leave me the gout for a legacy, 1 I made an- 
 swer, and told the company, * I should be sorry to 
 have such a leg as he."* They both snapped it up 
 in their turns, and had as much applause for the 
 pun as I had. 
 
 R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All pans 
 made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so 
 much old gold. Ex. gr. suppose two famous 
 punsters should contend for the superiority, and a 
 man should wittily say, < That is a Carthaginian 
 war:' 
 
 Q. How, sir ? 
 
 A. Why, sir, it is a Pun~ick war. 
 
 R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by 
 way of question and answer. 
 
 Q. Who was the first drawer ?
 
 46 ART OF PUNNINCf. 
 
 A. Potiphar. 
 
 Q. Which is the seat of the spleen ? 
 
 A. The hips. 
 
 Q. Who were the first bakers ? 
 
 A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, 
 quoth Capt. Wolseley). 
 
 Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come 
 from? 
 
 A. Middle-sex. 
 
 Q. What part of England has the most dogs ? 
 
 A. Baric-shire. 
 
 Q. From whence come the first tumblers ? 
 
 A. From Somerset. 
 
 Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land? 
 
 A. The people of Cumber-land. 
 
 Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers ? 
 
 A. Your red-haired men, because they always 
 carry their jire-locks upon their shoulders. 
 
 Q. Why should a man in debt be called a 
 diver ? 
 
 A. Because he has dipped over head and ears. 
 
 Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified 
 for hunting ? 
 
 A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow. 
 
 Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, 
 &c. said to be vermin ?
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 47 
 
 A. Because they are in-sects. 
 
 Q. Where were the first breeches made ? 
 
 A At Thy-atira. 
 
 Q. Who were the first gold-finders ? 
 
 A. The Turditani. 
 
 Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs 
 in? 
 
 A. Lap-land. 
 
 Q. What prince in the world should have a boar 
 for his arms ? 
 
 A. The duke of Tusk-any. 
 
 Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live ? 
 
 A. At Leg-horn. 
 
 Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the 
 best racers ? 
 
 A. Because their heels are given to running. 
 
 Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so 
 much afraid of base violins and fiddles ? 
 
 A. Because they are strung with cat-gut. 
 
 Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be 
 a tory, or vice versa, why should his gown be 
 stripped off? 
 
 A. Because he is guilty of sham-party. 
 
 Q. How many animals are concerned in the for- 
 mation of the English tongue ?
 
 48 AKT OF PUNNING. 
 
 A. According to Buck-anan, a great number ; 
 viz. cat-egorical, dog-medical, crow-nological, Jlea- 
 botomy, fah-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, 
 mouse-olceum, pus-illanimity, hare-editary , ass-tro- 
 nomy,jay-ography, stag-yrite, duck-tllity. 
 
 Q. Where were the first hams made? 
 
 A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter 
 Hammon, by the Hamadryades ; one of them (if 
 we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as 
 a present to a gentleman in Ham-sJiire, of the fa- 
 mily of the Ham-Utons, who immediately sent it to 
 Ham-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string 
 in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the 
 English phrase ham-strung. 
 
 Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, 
 By questions useful since to all mankind ; 
 For, when the purblind soul no farther saw, 
 Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law, 
 His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight, 
 And so he taught his pupils with day-light. 
 
 R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the 
 company be engaged in a discourse of the most 
 serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to in- 
 terrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them 
 poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, 
 without offence, ask them ' How go squares with
 
 AttT OF PUNNING. 49 
 
 them r" You may say too, ' That, being too intent 
 upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. 
 sickly-eyed; for which they are a pack of loga- 
 rithms, i. e. loggerheads? Vide R. 34. 
 
 R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be 
 the first that laughs at his own pun ; as Martial 
 advises : 
 
 " Qui studet alterius risum capture lepore, 
 Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum" 
 
 " He that would move another man to laughter, 
 Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after." 
 
 R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if 
 a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most 
 of them, in the same kind. As for instance : Sir 
 
 W sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's 
 
 scholars, and desired my advice as to the manage- 
 ment of them : 
 
 Miss-Chief, the ringleader. 
 
 Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint. 
 
 Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid. 
 
 Miss- Application, who has not done one letter in 
 her sampler. 
 
 Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet. 
 
 Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.
 
 50 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's 
 needle. 
 
 Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping. 
 
 Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the 
 dirt. 
 
 Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and 
 milk where the cat got at it. 
 
 Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run 
 out at heels for want of darning. 
 
 For which I sent the following masters : 
 
 Master-Stroke, to whip them. 
 
 Master- Workman, to dress them. 
 
 Master-Ship, to rig them. 
 
 Master-Lye, to excuse them. 
 
 Master- Wort, to purge them. 
 
 Master- Piece, to patch them. 
 
 Master-Key, to lock them up. 
 
 Master-Pock, to mortify them. 
 
 If these can't keep your ladies quiet, 
 Pull down their courage with low diet. 
 Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel 
 To feed them on plain water-gruel ; 
 But take my word, the best of breeding \ 
 As it is plain, requires plain feeding. 
 
 Fide Roscommon.
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 51 
 
 R. 11. The Rule of Repetition : You must 
 never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment 
 upon it till every one in the company both hears 
 and understands it ; ex. gr. Sir, I have good wine 
 to give you ; excellent pontack, which I got "*pon 
 tick ; but, sir, we must have a little pun-talk over 
 it ; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam. 
 There is pun-talk upon pontacfc, and ^pon tick 
 too, hey. 
 
 R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your 
 elements, whether you have Jish,fowl 9 or Jlesh, for 
 dinner : As for instance, Is not tliisjish which Mr. 
 Pool sent me, ex-stream sweet ? I think it is main 
 good, what say you ? O 1 my sole., I never tasted 
 better, and I think it ought to take plaice of any 
 that swims : though you may carp at me for saying 
 so, I can assure you that both Dr. Spi'att and Dr. 
 WJialey are of my mind. This is an excellent 
 fowl, and a fit dish for liigh-jlyers. Pray, sir, 
 what is your o-pinion of this wing" '$ As for the 
 leg, the cook ought to be clapper-clawed for not 
 roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why 
 should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. 
 Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not 
 at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a 
 grape-lover; i. e. grey plover^ Are you for any
 
 52 ART OF FUNKING. 
 
 of this mutton, sir ? If not, I can tell you, that 
 you ought to be lamb-asted; for you must know 
 that I have the best in the country. My sheep 
 bear away the bell, and I can assure you that, all 
 weathers, I can treat my friends with as good 
 mutton as this : he that cannot make a meal of it, 
 ought to have it ram-med down his throat. 
 
 R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this 
 you may recal a discourse that has been past two 
 hours, and introduce it thus: * Sir, as you were 
 saying two hours ago you bought those stockings 
 in Wales ; I believe it, for they seem to be 'well- 
 chose, i. e. Welsh-hose.'' ' Sir, you were saying, if 
 I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers 
 have the speediest justice. I agree with you in 
 that ; for they are never without red-dress? 
 
 R. 14. The Rule of Transition ; which will serve 
 to introduce any thing that has the most remote 
 relation to the subject you are upon ; ex. gr. If a 
 man puns upon a stable, you may pun upon a corn- 
 Jield, a meadow, a liorse-park, a smith's or Sadler's 
 shop ; ex. gr. One says, ' His horses are gone to 
 rackC Then you answer, ' I would turn out the 
 rascal that looks after them. Hay, sir, don't you 
 think I am right ? I would strike while the iron is 
 hot; and pummel the dog to some purpose. 1
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 53 
 
 R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges 
 you, when people are disputing hotly upon a sub- 
 ject, to pitch upon that word which gives the 
 greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. 
 This has not only occasioned peace in private com- 
 panies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in 
 parliaments and convocations, which otherwise 
 would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as 
 Horace says, Ridiculum acri, &c. ; and very often it 
 
 is found so. Sir once, in parliament, 
 
 brought in a bill which wanted some amendment ; 
 which being denied him by the house, he frequently 
 repeated, ' That he thirsted to mend his bill.' 
 Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 
 ' Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member 
 thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to 
 mend his draught? This put the house into such 
 a good humour, that his petition was granted. 
 
 R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons 
 pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. 
 Ay, says one, ' I went to my shoe-maker's to-day 
 for a pair of shoes which I bespoke a month ago ; 
 and when all came to aZ/, the dog bristles up to me 
 with a thousand excuses, that I thought there 
 would never be an end of his discourse : but, upon 
 my calling him a rascal, he began to wax warm,
 
 54 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 and had the impudence to bid me to vamp oft', for 
 he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he 
 was going to dinner : which vexed me indeed to the 
 very sole. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in 
 a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might 
 be his last? Says another, ' I went to a tanner's 
 that owed me some money ; and (would you think 
 it ?) the pitiful fellow was fleshed at it, insomuch 
 that forsooth he could not hide his resentment, but 
 told me, that it was enough to set a man horn mad 
 to be dunned so early in a morning : and, as for 
 his part, he would curry favour no longer with me, 
 let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly cur 
 barked at me, &c.' 
 
 R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a 
 man's saying which he never spoke, and making 
 a pun upon it, as, ' Ay, sir, since you say he was 
 born in Bark-shire, I say he is a son of a bitch.'' 
 
 R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of in- 
 troducing puns which we have studied before; 
 e.v. gr. By talking of Truelock the gun- smith, his 
 very name will provoke some person in the company 
 to pun. Then you proceed: * Sir, / smell powder, 
 but you are plaguy weak in your mainspring for 
 punning ; I would advise you to get a better stock, 
 before you pretend to let off: though you may
 
 AHT OF PUNNING. 55 
 
 think yourself prime in this art, you are much 
 mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a 
 match for you. Ay, sir, you may cock and look 
 big; but, u-pan my word, I take you to be no 
 more than ajiash; and Mrs. Skin-flint, my neigh- 
 bour, shall pun with you for a pistole, if I do not 
 lose my aim, &c.' 
 
 R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, 
 when you have conned over in your mind a chain 
 of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, 
 after this manner : ( Say Tan-pit, if you dare.' 
 
 R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear 
 a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author 
 of it ; as Dr. S served Capt. W , who was told 
 how a slater, working at his house, fell through all 
 the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this 
 accident he said, 'He loved to see a man go 
 cleverly through his work." 1 < That is mine, by 
 ,' said the Doctor. 
 
 R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making 
 a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody 
 else can put in a word till you have exhausted the 
 subject ; ex. gr. There was one John Appleby, 
 a gardener, fell in love with one Mrs. Curran, for 
 her jherrycheelcs and her lily white hand ; and 
 soon after he got her consent to graft upon her
 
 56 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 stock. Mr. Link the parson was sent for, who 
 joined the loving pair together; Mr. Rowintree 
 and Mr. Holy-oak were bride-men. The company 
 were, my lady Joan Keel, who came-a-mile on foot 
 to compliment them; and her maid Sally, re- 
 markable for her carrots, that rid upon a chestnut. 
 There was Dr. Burr age too-, a constant medlar in 
 other people's affairs. He was lately im-peacttd for 
 murdering Don Quick-set. Mrs. Lettice Skirret 
 and Mrs. jRose-merry were the bride-maids; the 
 latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an 
 arch wag called a funeral dirge : but, notwith- 
 standing this, our friend John began to thrive upon 
 matrimony like a twig in a bush. I forgot to tell 
 you, that the tailor had so much cabbage out of the 
 wedding suit, there was none at all for supper. 
 
 R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a 
 person makes an excellent pun, and you immedi- 
 ately fix another upon it ; as Dean Swift one day 
 said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob 
 wig, * Sir, the dam of your wig is a rchiskeri upon 
 which I came in very d propos, and said, ' Sir, 
 that cannot be, for it is but an ear-wig." 1 
 
 R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to 
 bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it 
 out : as, suppose you should hear a man say the
 
 AltT OF PUNNING. 67 
 
 word incomparable Then you proceed, in-com- 
 
 incom-par-par-rable-rable So let the other 
 
 make his best of it. 
 
 R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a 
 jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made 
 a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was 
 just coming out with it. One night, I remember, 
 
 Mr. served Dr. so. The former saying 
 
 over a bottle, ' Will, I am for my mistress here.' 
 4 How so? 1 says Tom. ' Why, I am for Wine-if- 
 red." 1 ' By this crooked stick *,' said Tom, ' I was 
 coming out with it. 1 
 
 R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man 
 hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of 
 a word : as for example, I am asked, * What is 
 the best word to spend an evening with?' I an- 
 swered, & PotatoS; for there is popotpota 
 potat potato, and the reverse sot-a-top? 
 
 R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man 
 having got the thanks and laugh of a company for 
 a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read 
 it in " Cambridge Jests." This is such an in- 
 version of it, that I think I may be allowed to make 
 examples of these kind of people in verse : 
 
 * Cane-a-wry, i. e. Canary.
 
 58 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 Thus puppies, that adore the dark, 
 Against bright Cynthia howl and bark ; 
 Although the regent of the night, 
 Like us, is gay with borrow'd light. 
 
 R. 57. The Professionary Rule * is, to frame a 
 story, and swear you were present at an event 
 where every man talked in his own calling ; ex. gr. 
 
 Major swears he wap present at the seizing of 
 
 a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield ; and 
 that he heard 
 
 A Tailor say, * Send the dog to hdV 
 The Cook, < Let me be at him, I'll baste him.' 
 The Joiner, ' It is plain the dog was caught in 
 the fact ; I saw him.' 
 
 The Blacksmith, ' He is a fine spark indeed !' 
 The Butcher, ' Knock down the shambling cur.' 
 The Glazier, ' Make 'the light shine through 
 him.' 1 
 
 The Bookseller, ' Bind him over.' 
 The Sadler, * Pummel him.' 
 The Farmer, < Thrash the dog.' 
 
 * An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, 
 in his " Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to 
 the Gallows."
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 59 
 
 A Popish Priest going by, * I'll make the Devil 
 fly out of him? 
 
 R. 28. The Brazen- head Rule is, when a punster 
 stands his ground against a whole company, though 
 there is not one to side with him, to the utter de- 
 struction of all conversation but his own. As for 
 instance says one, ' I hate a pun? Then he, 
 ' When a pun is meant) is it a punishment?' 
 
 * Deuce take your quibbling i 1 * Sir, I will not 
 bate you an ace. cinque me if I do ; and I'll make 
 you know that I am a sice above you.' ' This 
 fellow cannot talk out of his element." 1 ' To divert 
 you was all I meant.'' 
 
 R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you sup- 
 pose things hardly consistent to be united, for the 
 sake of a pun : as for instance suppose a person 
 in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs 
 upon every part of his face but the handle of it; 
 why should he make the longest verses in the 
 world ? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, i. e. All-eggs- 
 and-dry-nose. 
 
 R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that pun- 
 ning is free of all languages : as for the Latin 
 Romanes you may say * Roman nose ' Temeraria, 
 
 * Tom, where are you T Oxonice prospectus, * Pox 
 on you, pray speak to us. For the French quelque
 
 60 
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 chose, you may say in English 4 kick shoes. 1 When 
 one says of a thief, * I wish he was transported ;"* 
 answer, he is already fur enough.' Dr. Swift 
 made an excellent advantage of this rule one night : 
 when a certain peevish gentleman in his company 
 had lost his spectacles, he bid him ' have a good 
 heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would 
 find them in the morning.'' ' Pray, how so ? 
 * Why, sir, 
 
 ' Nocte pluit tota, redeunt spectacula mane.' 
 
 R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man 
 speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some 
 good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in 
 it, then he is to say, ' You have hit it P As Major 
 Grimes did : complaining that he staid at home by 
 reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning 
 to run, he was answered by Mr. , ' I wonder that 
 you should be confined who have such running legs." 1 
 The Major replied, ' You have hit it ; for I meant 
 thai: 
 
 R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak 
 well of another punster ; ex. gr. t Who, he ! Lord, 
 sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo ;' or 
 ( He does not know the meaning of synonymous
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 Gl 
 
 words ;"" or, ' He never rose so high as a conundrum 
 or a carry whichit.' 
 
 R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a 
 man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out 
 of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for 
 your own : as for instance ; mustard happened to 
 be mentioned in company where I was, and a gen- 
 tleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at 
 Mus vrnis, sinapi sinapi snap eye bite nose; 
 One in the company, over-hearing him, bit him, 
 and snapped it up, and said, Mustard is the stoutest 
 seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by 
 the nose? 
 
 R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change 
 one syllable for another ; by this, you may either 
 lop off, insert, or add to a word ; ex. gr. 
 For Church Kirk. 
 '. . . Bangor Clangor- 
 . . . Presbyter Has-biter. 
 
 This rule is of such consequence, that a man was 
 once tried for his life by it. The case was thus : 
 A certain man was brought before a judge of assize 
 for murder : his lordship asked his name, and being 
 answered Spillman, the judge said, ' Take away 
 Sp, and his name is Ill-man ; put K to it, and it 
 is Killman : away with him, gaoler ; his very name
 
 62 ART OF TUNNING. 
 
 has hanged him*.' This 34th rule, on this oc- 
 casion, became a rule of court, and was so well 
 liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, 
 applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him 
 upon the same account, after this manner : ' Come, 
 sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's 
 justices of the peace, to tell me your name.' ' My 
 name, an't please you, is Watson." 1 ' O ho, sir ! 
 Watson ! mighty well ! Take away Sp from it, and 
 it is lU-man, and put K to it, and it is Kill-man : 
 away with him, constable, his very name will hang 
 him.' 
 
 Let us now consider a new case ; as for instance, 
 ' The church of England, as by law established.' 
 Put a T before it, and it is Test-ablished: take 
 away the Test and put in o, and it is Abolished. 
 
 How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious 
 author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that 
 very natural story which he framed concerning the 
 preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation 
 
 * A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exem- 
 plify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great 
 enemy of mankind : ' Take away D, and it is Evil, take 
 away the E, and it is File, take away the V, and it is /// 
 ///, File, Evil, Devil.'
 
 AUT OF PUNNING. 
 
 called the minister an Humbassandor for an Am- 
 bassador *. 
 
 Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend 
 to your perusal and practice this most excellent 
 
 * The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 
 ' A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King 
 Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish 
 Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as 
 follows : ' There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a 
 living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and 
 two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in be- 
 coming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, 
 and a journeyman in the country ; his curate and his coach- 
 horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged 
 cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his 
 spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, 
 to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to 
 receive the wages of his embassy ; and then, sometimes in 
 an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he 
 vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in 
 the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes 
 the whole parish to rest ; but the doctor one day denouncing 
 himself the Lord's Ambassador with greater fire and loudness 
 than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused 
 a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour 
 with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?' 'Ay,' says Tom, 
 yawning, ' what does he say ?' ' Say ?' answered the other, 
 ' he says a plaguy lie, to be sure ; he says as how he is my 
 Lord's Humbassandor, but I think he is more rather the 
 Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take 
 money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, 
 a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in
 
 G4> ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 rule, which is of such universal use and advantage 
 to the learned world, that the most valuable disco- 
 veries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are 
 made by it; nay, further, I will venture to say, 
 that all words which are introduced to enrich and 
 make a language copious, beautiful, and harmo- 
 nious, arise chiefly from this rule. Let any man 
 but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what 
 useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has 
 made by the help of this rule ; or, indeed, poor 
 Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach 
 of making ' a. fox eat outs? had not the learned 
 doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found 
 out nitedula to be a blunder of the librarians for 
 vulpecula ; which nitedula, the doctor says, signifies 
 a grass-mouse, and this clears up the whole matter, 
 because it makes the story hang well together : for 
 all the world knows, that weazles have a most 
 tender regard and affection to grass mice, whereas 
 they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, 
 all various lections are to be attributed to this rule : 
 so are all the Greek dialects ; or Homer would 
 
 England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the 
 price of napping ; and such mighty odds are there between 
 a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection 
 of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.
 
 AKT OF PUN'NfXU. 65 
 
 have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. But 
 the greatest and best masters of this rule, without 
 dispute, were the Dorians, who made nothing of 
 saying tin for soie, tenon for ekeinos^ surisdomes for 
 surizomen, &c. From this too we have our quasis 
 in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that 
 the Samaritan, Chaldee, ^Ethiopic, Syriac, Arabic, 
 and Persian languages were formed from the ori- 
 ginal Hebrew ? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. 
 And among our modern languages, are not the 
 Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and French, derived 
 and formed from the Latin by the same power? 
 How much poets have been obliged to it, we need 
 no further proof than the figures prothesis, epen- 
 thesis, apocope, paragoge, and ellipsis. Trimming 
 and fitting of words to make them more agreeable 
 to our ears, Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken 
 notice of, in his book * De Compositione Vocum/ 
 where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers 
 of words to masons with hammers, who break oft' 
 rugged corners of stones, that they may become 
 more even and firm in their places. 
 
 But after all, give me leave to lament, that I 
 cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor 
 of this incomparable rule : though I solemnly pro- 
 test, upon the word of an author (if an author may 
 
 F
 
 60 ART OF PUNNING. 
 
 have credit), that I never had the least hint toward 
 it, any more than the ladies' letters and young 
 children's pronunciation, till a year after I had 
 proposed this rule to Dr. , who was an excel- 
 lent judge of the advantage it might be to the 
 public; when, to my great surprise, tumbling over 
 the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71 , right loth to be- 
 lieve my eyes, I met with the following passage : 
 " Ambigua multam faciunt ad hanc rem, oujusmodi 
 exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in 
 ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permu- 
 tatione syllabarum et vocum, ut pro Decretum, 
 D/scretum ; pro Medicus, Mendicus et Merdicus : 
 pro Poly carpus, Polyeopros. Item ex syllabarum 
 ellipsi, ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil, convers. pro 
 Casimirus, J*rus ; pro Marcus, Arcus ; pro Vinosus, 
 Osus ; pro Sacerdotium, Otium. Sic, additione li- 
 terae, pro Urbanus, Turbanus :" which exactly 
 corresponded to every branch and circumstance of 
 my rule. Then, indeed, I could not avoid breaking 
 out into the following exclamations, and that after 
 a most pathetic manner : " Wretched Tom Pun- 
 Sibi ! Wretched indeed ! Are all thy nocturnal 
 lucubrations come to this ? Must another, for being 
 a hundred years before thee in the world, run away 
 with the glory of thy own invention ? It is true, he
 
 ART OF PUNNING. 67 
 
 must. Happy Alstedius ! who, I thought, would 
 have stood me in all-stead^ upon consulting thy 
 method of joking ! All's tedious to me now, since 
 thou hast robbed me of that honour which would 
 have set me above all writers of the present age. 
 And why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi ? did we not 
 jump together like true wits? But, alas! thou art 
 on the safest side of the bush ; my credit being 
 liable to the suspicion of the world, because you 
 wrote before me. Ill-natured critics, in spite of all 
 my protestations, will condemn me, right or wrong, 
 for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing 
 of thy own ; but pillage and trespass upon all that 
 ever wrote before thee: search among dust and 
 moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, 
 study ; from this moment I abandon thee : for, 
 wherever I can get a paragraph upon any subject 
 whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head shall 
 have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed !" 
 And this method, I hope, will help me to swell 
 out the Second Part of this work. 
 
 THE END OF THE FIRST PART. 
 
 F2
 
 TOM PUN-SIBI; 
 
 THE GIBER GIB'D*. 
 
 Mirandi novitate movebere mostri. OVID. 
 
 TOM was a little merry grig, 
 Fiddled and danced to his own jig ; 
 Good-natured, but a little silly ; 
 Irresolute, and shally-shilly : 
 What he should do, he cou'dn't guess. 
 Swift used him like a man at chess ; 
 
 The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin 
 in 1719, immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty 
 generally ascribed to Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that 
 in this instance the Dean was only an assistant ; the piece 
 having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and corrected and im- 
 proved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. Al- 
 though it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, 
 it however called forth the above Satire from the pen of 
 Dr. Tisdal.
 
 TOM PUN-SIBI, ETC. 69 
 
 He told him once that he had wit, 
 But was in jest, and Tom was bit. 
 Thought himself second son of Phrebus, 
 For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus. 
 He took a draught of Helicon, 
 But swallowed so much water down, 
 He got a dropsy ; now they say, 'tis 
 Turn'd to poetic diabetes ; 
 For all the liquor he has pass'd, 
 Is without spirit, salt, or taste : 
 But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit, 
 And so he writ, and writ, and writ : 
 He writ the famous Punning Art, 
 The Benefit of p s and f t ; 
 He writ the Wonder of all Wonders ; 
 He writ the Blunder of all Blunders ; 
 He writ a merry farce or poppet, 
 Taught actors how to squeak and hop it ; 
 A treatise on the Wooden-man *, 
 A ballad on the nose of Dan ; 
 The art of making April fools, 
 The four-and-thirty quibbling rules. 
 The learned say, that Tom went snacks 
 With Philomaths, for almanacks ; 
 
 * The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin.
 
 70 TOM PUN-SI fli ; 
 
 Though they divided are, for some say, 
 He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey *. 
 Hundreds there are, who will make oath, 
 That he writ almanacks for both ; 
 And, though they made the calculations, 
 Tom writ the monthly observations ! 
 
 Such were his writings, but his chatter 
 Was one continual clitter-clatter. 
 Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk, 
 Cry, ( Cup o' sack,' and ' Walk, knave, walk P 
 And fitted little prating Pall 
 For wire-cage, in Common-Hall ; 
 Made him expert at quibble-jargon, 
 And quaint at selling of a bargain. 
 Pall, he could talk in different linguos, 
 But he could not be taught distinguos : 
 Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat, 
 Into a spaniel turned the parrot ; 
 Made him to walk on his hind-legs, 
 He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs ; 
 Then cuts a caper o'er a stick -f-, 
 Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick : 
 Swift put a bit upon his snout, 
 Poor Tom ! he daren't look about ; 
 
 * Famous Irish almanack makers. 
 
 t This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan.
 
 OR, THE GIBER GIB^D. 71 
 
 But when that Swift does give the word, 
 
 He snaps it up, though 'twere a t . 
 
 Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual, 
 
 And then he makes him lick his spittle. 
 
 Sometimes he takes him on his lap, 
 
 And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap. 
 
 He sets the little cur at me ; 
 
 Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee ; 
 
 I took him by the neck to shake him, 
 
 And made him void his attnim Grcecum. 
 
 ' Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him !' 
 
 Quoth Swift : though Swift could sooner want any 
 
 Thing in the world, than a Tanta-ny, 
 
 And thus not only makes his grig 
 
 A parrot, spaniel, but his pig. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 THE Second Part of this Work will be published 
 with all convenient expedition : to which will be 
 added, A small Treatise of CONUNDRUMS, CARRI- 
 WHICHITS, and LONG-PETITES ; together with the 
 WINTER-FIRE'S Diversion; The Art of making 
 REBUSES ; The Antiquity of HOOP-PETTICOATS 
 proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calnuina and 
 Delbora, &c. &c. &c.
 
 PUNNING LETTER 
 
 EARL OE PEMBROKE, 
 
 PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE, 
 WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON ASHE, WAS 
 NICK-NAMED DILLY. 
 
 TOM ASHE died last night. It is conceived he 
 was so puffed up by my lord lieutenant's favour -, 
 that it struck him into a. fever. I here send you 
 his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a 
 friend in short-hand. It is something long, and 
 a little incoherent ; but he was several hours de- 
 livering it, and with several intervals. His friends 
 were about the bed, and he spoke to them thus ; 
 
 My Friends, 
 
 Tt is time for a man to look grave, when he has 
 one foot there. I once had only a punnic fear of 
 death ; but of late I have jjundred it more seriously- 
 Every fit of coughing hath put me in mind of my
 
 THE DYlNtt SPEECH, ETC. 73 
 
 cojfin , though dissolute men seldomest think of dis- 
 solution. This is a very great alteration : I, that 
 supported myself with good wine, must now be 
 myself supported by a small bier. A fortune-teller 
 once looked on my hand, and said, This man is 
 to be a great traveller ; he will soon be at the Diet 
 of Worms, and from thence go to Ratisbone? But 
 now I understand his double meaning. I desire to 
 be privately buried, for I think a public funeral 
 looks like Bury fair ; and the rites of the dead too 
 often prove wrong 1 to the living. Methinks the 
 word itself best expresses the number, neither few 
 nor all. A dying man should not think of obsequies, 
 but ob se quies. Little did I think you would so 
 soon see poor Tom stown under a tomb stone. But 
 as the mole crumbles the motdd about her, so a man 
 of small mould, before I am old, may moulder away. 
 Sometimes I've ravd that I should revive-, but 
 physicians tell me, that, when once the great artery 
 has drawn the heart awry, we shall find the cor di 
 all, in spite of all the highest cordial. Brother, 
 you are fond of Daffy's elixir ; but, when death 
 comes, the world will see that, in spite of Daffy 
 down Ditty, whatever doctors may design by their 
 medicines, a man in a dropsy (hops he not, in spite 
 of Goddard's drops, though none are reckoned such
 
 74 THE DYING SPEECH 
 
 high drops ? I find death smells the blood of an 
 Englishman : a fee faintly Jumbled out will be a 
 weak defence against \\\&fee-fa-fum. P. T. are no 
 letters in death's alphabet ; he has not half a bit of 
 either : he moves his scythe, but will not be moved 
 by all our sighs. Every thing ought to put us in 
 mind of death. Physicians affirm, that our very 
 food breeds it in us ; so that in our dieting, we may 
 be said to di eating. There is something ominous, 
 not only in the names of diseases, as e?/-arrho2a, di- 
 abetes, eft-sentery, but even in the drugs designed 
 to preserve our lives ; as di-acodium, di-apente, di- 
 ascordium. I perceive Dr. Howard (and I feel 
 how hard) lay thumb on my pulse, then pulls it 
 back, as if he saw lethnm in my face. I see as bad 
 in his ; for sure there is no physic like a sick phiz. 
 He thinks I shall decease before the day cease; 
 but, before I die, before the bell hath tolfd, and 
 Tom Tollman is told that little Tom, though not 
 old, has paid nature's toll, I do desire to give some 
 advice to those that survive me. First, let game- 
 sters consider that death is Itazard and passage^ 
 upon the turn of a die. Let lawyers consider it 
 as a hard case. And let punners consider how 
 hard it is to die jesting, when death is so hard in 
 digesting.
 
 OF TOM ASHE. 75 
 
 As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of Mun~ 
 gomerry^ I am sure he be-wales my misfortune; 
 and it would move him to stand by, when the car- 
 penter (while my friends grieve and make an odd 
 splutter) nails up my coffin. I will make a short 
 affidavi-t, that, if he makes my epitaph, I will take 
 it for a great honour ; and it is a plentiful subject. 
 His excellency may say, that the art of punning is 
 dead with Tom. Tom has taken all puns away 
 with him. Omne tu lit pun-Tom. May his ex- 
 cellency long live tenant to the queen in Ireland. 
 We never Herberd so good a governor before. 
 Sure he mun-go-merryhome, that has made a king- 
 dom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish 
 a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have 
 let many a pun go, which did never pungo ; there- 
 fore the world must read the bad as well as the 
 good. Virgil has long foretold it : Punica mala 
 
 leges. 1 have had several forebodings that I 
 
 should soon die : I have of late been often at com- 
 mittees, where I have sat de die in diem. 1 con- 
 versed much with the usher of the black rod : I saw 
 his medals , and woe is me dull soul, not to con- 
 sider they are but dead men's faces stampt over 
 and over by the living, which will shortly be my 
 condition.
 
 76 THE DYIN'G SPEECH, &C. 
 
 Tell Sir Anthony Fountain, I ran clear tp the 
 bottom, and wish he may be a late a river where I 
 am going. He used to brook compliments. May 
 his sand be long a running; not quick sand like 
 mine ! Bid him avoid poring upon monuments and 
 books; which is in reality but running among 
 rocks and shelves, to stop his course. May his 
 waters never be troubled with mud or gravel, nor 
 stopt by any grinding stone! May his friends be 
 all true trouts, and his enemies laid as flat as 
 flounders! I look upon him as the most fluent of 
 his race; therefore let him not despond. I foresee 
 his black rod will advance to a pike, and destroy 
 all our ills. 
 
 But I am going ; my wind in lungs is turning 
 to a winding sheet. The thoughts of a pall begin 
 to a pall me. Life is but a vapour, car elle va 
 pour la moindre cause. Farewell : I have lived 
 ad aLmicorumfastidium, and now behold how^a^ / 
 dium! 
 
 Here his breath failed him, and he expired. 
 There are some false spellings here and there ; but 
 they must be pardoned in a dying man.
 
 LETTER 
 
 GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF 
 
 A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR. 
 
 a 
 
 SIR, 
 
 You must give me leave to complain of a pesti- 
 lent fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always 
 beating mortar; yet I cannot find he ever builds. 
 In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want 
 a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not 
 gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most houses 
 where he visits. He makes his prentice his gaily 
 slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet 
 he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring 
 his shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by their 
 leaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal 
 of mischief. He is full of scruples; and so very 
 litigious, that he Jiles bills against all his ac- 
 quaintance : and, though he be much troubled 
 with the simples, yet I assure you he is a Jesuitical 
 dog ; as you may know by his bark. Of all poetry 
 he loves the dram-a-tick. I am, SEC.
 
 PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY. 
 
 Worthy Mr. PENNYFEATHER, 
 
 MADAM Johnson has been very ill-used by her 
 servants ; they put shillings into her broth instead 
 of groats, which made her stamp. I hear they 
 had them from one Tom Ducket, a tenant to Major 
 Noble, who I am told is reduced to nine-pence. 
 We are doubting whether we shall dine at the 
 Crown or the Angel. Honest Mark Cob, who has 
 been much moydored of late, will dine with us, but 
 'Squire Manypenny and Captain Sterling desire to 
 be excused, for they are engaged with Ned Silver 
 to dine in CAawgv-alley. They live in great har- 
 mony; they met altogether last week, and sate as 
 loving as horses in a pound. I suppose you have 
 heard of the r^iwo-ceros lately arrived here. A 
 captain was co*7fc-iered on Wednesday. A sca- 
 venger abused me this morning, but I made him 
 down with his dust, which indeed was a. far-thing 
 from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a pi-stole
 
 GOD'S REVENGE, &C. 79 
 
 from her ; I would a' g'mny'e a good deal for such 
 another. Mrs. Dingley has made a souse for your 
 collard-eel. Alderman Coyn presents his service 
 to you. I have nothing but half-pens to write 
 with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of 
 my seals fell into a chink. I am, without alloy, 
 Your most obedient, 
 
 TOM MITE. 
 
 P. S. Mr. Cole presents his service to you, of 
 which I am ^-tester. 
 
 GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING, 
 
 BY DR. ARBUTHNOT; 
 
 SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OP 'PERSONS ADDICTED 
 TO THIS CRYINO SIN IN COURT AND TOWN. 
 
 MANiFOLDhavebeen the judgmentswhich Heaven, 
 from time to time, for the chastisement of a sinful 
 people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when 
 the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the 
 punishment should be general: Of this kind, in 
 our own unfortunate country, was that destructive 
 }>estilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep
 
 80 GOD'S REVENGE 
 
 away, if Sir William Petty may be believed, five 
 millions of Christian souls, besides women and 
 Jews. 
 
 Such also was that dreadful conflagration en- 
 suing, in this famous metropolis of London, which 
 consumed, according to the computation of Sir 
 Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention 
 churches and stables. 
 
 Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these 
 funest disasters, when the abomination of play- 
 
 ises rose up in this land : from hence hath an 
 inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and 
 overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured 
 walls of holy temples with exorbitant represen- 
 tations of the members of generation : nay, no 
 sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wick- 
 edness enough to write the names thereof in large 
 capitals : an enormity observed by travellers to be 
 found in no country but England. 
 
 But when whoring and popery were driven hence 
 by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly 
 offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whis- 
 tonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a 
 manner become universal. 
 
 And yet still, after all these visitations, it has 
 pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion more
 
 AGAINST PUNNING. 81 
 
 epidemical, and of consequence more fatal: this 
 was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled 
 eclipse in 1714 ; secondly, by the dreadful corus- 
 cation in the air this present year; and, thirdly, 
 by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, 
 by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others : a 
 contagion that first crept in among the first quality, 
 descended to their footmen, and infused itself into 
 their ladies I mean the woeful practice of PUN- 
 NING. This does occasion the corruption of ou 
 language, and therein of the word of God trans- 
 lated into our language, which certainly every 
 sober Christian must tremble at. 
 
 Now such is the enormity of this abomination, 
 that our very nobles not only commit punning over 
 tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, 
 and in the king v s chapel : therefore, to deter men 
 from this evil practice, I shall give some true and 
 dreadful examples of God's revenge against pun- 
 sters. 
 
 The Right Honourable (but it is not 
 
 safe to insert the name of an eminent nobleman in 
 this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one 
 has been seen ,- which is all we can say, considering 
 the largeness of his sleeves) This young nobleman 
 was not only a flagitious punster himself, but was
 
 82 GOD'S REVENGE 
 
 accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by 
 provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the 
 evil committed ; for which the Lord mercifully 
 spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation 
 wryed his nose. 
 
 Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty 
 of the same crime, was made the punisher of him- 
 self with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at 
 box and dice ; whereby this unfortunate young 
 gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his 
 aged grandmother. 
 
 A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the 
 same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of a 
 Datilah, who may one day cut off his curious hair, 
 and deliver him up to the Philistines. 
 
 Colonel F , an ancient gentleman of 
 
 grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in 
 his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to 
 speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be 
 understood. 
 
 Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, 
 banished to Minorca. 
 
 Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer 
 in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury- 
 Fort. 
 
 Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of
 
 AGAINST PUNNING. 83 
 
 the King^ English in Ireland, is quite deprived of 
 his reason, and now remains a lively instance of 
 emptiness and vivacity. 
 
 Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, de- 
 prived of his wits. 
 
 One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward at- 
 tempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath 
 been visited all his life after with bulls and 
 blunders. 
 
 George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in 
 Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it 
 with so much success, that his neighbours gave 
 out he was a wit. Which report coming among 
 his creditors, nobody would trust him ; so that he 
 is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable 
 condition. 
 
 Divers eminent clergymen of the university of 
 Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, be- 
 came great drunkards and Tories. 
 
 From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy 
 defend us all, &c. &c.
 
 THE BIRTH OF A PUN *. 
 
 WHEN Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe, 
 From the garden of Eden were driven ; 
 They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair, , 
 That a boon he would grant them from heaven. 
 'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition 
 
 strove, 
 
 Madame Juno determined to grapple 
 His arguments keen ; said the thunderer's queen, 
 " Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple ? 
 " Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg, 
 " To earth's now disconsolate son ; 
 " And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve, 
 " For the gods have enclosed them a Pun" 
 Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight, 
 And cracking the shell on the floor, 
 Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun, 
 And sadness they never knew more. . 
 
 * ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS, 
 
 By the learned Author of Hermes. 
 
 On the subject of puns the late learned author of HERMES 
 and Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and 
 extracts :
 
 ANTIQUITY OF PUNS. 85 
 
 A PUN seldom regards MEANING, being chiefly confined 
 to SOUND. 
 
 HORACE gives a sad example of this spurious wit, where 
 (as Dryden humorously translates it) he makes Persius the 
 buffoon exhort the patriot Brutus to kill Mr. KING, that is, 
 Rupilius Rex, because Brutus, when he slew Ccesar, had 
 been accustomed to KING-KILLING. 
 
 Hunc REGEM occide ; operum 
 Hoc mihi crede tuorum est. 
 
 We have a worse attempt in Homer, where Ulysses makes 
 Polypheme believe his name was OTTIS, and where the dull 
 Cyclops, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his 
 brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done 
 by OTTIS, that is, by NOBODY. 
 
 ENIGMAS are of a more complicated nature, being involved 
 either in pun or metaphor, or sometimes in both. 
 
 'Ai$p iov Tffi/fi ^aXxov ITT' avs'pi xoXXwavra. 
 
 / saw a man, who, unprovoked with ire, 
 Stuck brass upon another's back byjfire. 
 
 This ENIGMA is ingenious, and means the operation of 
 cupping; performed in ancient days by a machine of brass. 
 
 In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good meta- 
 phor and good writing, a perplexity is caused, not by accident, 
 but by design, and the pleasure lies in the being able to 
 resolve it.
 
 THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR 
 PUNNING ON NAMES. 
 
 THE English are noted for punning on people's 
 names, in allusion to their talent or profession. 
 Grimaldi was called, from his " grim faces,"" Grim- 
 all-day; Macready, from his quick study, " Make 
 ready ;"" Young, from his youthful appearance, 
 " the young actor ;" Kean, from his new readings, 
 " the keen actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful 
 voice, " Mr. Sing clear;" Miss Tree, the lovely 
 vocalist, " the Mystery" Sec. &c. See. : innumerable 
 are the instances in the political world, but quant, 
 sujf. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the 
 present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, 
 the stockbroker's name ; he was then at the head 
 of one of the most respectable tea-dealing esta- 
 blishments in London. His friends sunk his Chris- 
 tian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely 
 called him Mr. Tea Bish: perhaps the joke was 
 borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the 
 tea-dealer, viz. 
 
 " How curiously names with professions agree, 
 For Twining would be wining, dispossess'd of his T. 
 
 But we shall favour the reader with a few of the 
 best modern examples.
 
 OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 
 
 MEN once were surnamed from their shape or estate, 
 
 (You all may from history worm it :) 
 There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, 
 
 John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. 
 But now, when the door-plates of misters and 
 dames 
 
 Are read, each so constantly varies 
 From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, sur- 
 names 
 
 Seem given by the rule of contraries. 
 
 Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his 
 fist, 
 
 Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, 
 Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist, 
 
 Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel. 
 Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig, 
 
 Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, 
 And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig 
 
 While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.
 
 88 PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 
 
 Mrs. Drink water's apt to indulge in a dram, 
 
 Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury, 
 And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb 
 
 Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. 
 At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, 
 
 (A conduct well worthy of Nero,) 
 Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout, 
 
 Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero. 
 
 Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. 
 Love, 
 
 Found nothing but sorrow await her : 
 She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, 
 
 That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. 
 Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut, 
 
 Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest ; 
 Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, 
 
 Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest. 
 
 Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock, 
 Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers, 
 
 Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a 
 
 stock 
 Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers.
 
 PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 89 
 
 Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, 
 He moves as though cords had entwined him ; 
 
 Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow, 
 With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him. 
 
 Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, 
 
 Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, 
 Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three, 
 
 Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney. 
 Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root, 
 
 Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back ; 
 Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, 
 
 Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback. 
 
 Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth, 
 
 Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won, 
 Large Mr. Le Fever 's the picture of health, 
 
 Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. 
 Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year 
 
 By showing his leg to an heiress : 
 Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite 
 clear 
 
 Surnames ever go by contraries. 
 
 New Monthly Magazine.
 
 AN EPITAPH, 
 
 OR 
 
 PUNNING RUN MAD. 
 
 HERE lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the 
 
 Sun, 
 He never had an ail, unless when all his ale was 
 
 done : 
 The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun 
 
 was on, 
 
 No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon. 
 Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get ; 
 But he declared no soda-hack should ever share his 
 
 whet. 
 His burnished sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was 
 
 his cheer, 
 And quaffing of good porter long kept him from 
 
 his bier. 
 As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were 
 
 so good, 
 And many a noble draught has he taken from the 
 
 wood,
 
 PUNNING RUN MAD. 91 
 
 Rare spirited productions, with tasty views near 
 
 Cork; 
 And then he had a score or two rum characters in 
 
 chalk. 
 
 Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was naiTd, 
 And though he had lost one eyesight, his hop-ticks 
 
 never faiFd. 
 Good ale and cider sold here, oft made the soldier 
 
 halt, 
 And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard 
 
 his malt ; 
 
 Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair, 
 Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare ; 
 While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay, 
 And swear it was both sweet and nice as any shrub 
 
 in May. 
 At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk 
 
 with drink ; 
 His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to 
 
 shrink ; 
 Tho 1 mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the 
 
 sugar-candy, 
 And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the 
 
 brandy. 
 
 His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast, 
 And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels 
 
 breathed their last ;
 
 92 PUNNING RUN MAD. 
 
 And when he treated all hands his Hollands ran away, 
 Nor reap'd he fruit from any seed for aniseed to pay. 
 And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still 
 
 increased, 
 He puff'd the more parfait au cceur till all his efforts 
 
 ceas'd. 
 The storm, alas ! was brewing, the brewer drew his 
 
 till, 
 And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her 
 
 bill. 
 
 Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind ; 
 He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could 
 
 find; 
 But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd 
 
 him on the head, 
 So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye 
 
 see, he's dead. 
 
 Literary Gazette.
 
 .cO- 
 
 BENJAMIN BASHFUL 
 
 ON 
 
 THE VICE OF PUNNING. 
 
 THE PUNSTER S FOE. 
 
 Who's he, that from our hoard is running ? 
 He, Sir's an enemy to punning, 
 A hashful foe, who loves not wit 
 Ergo, because he's none of it 
 Within his cranium ; and at table 
 Sits like the fox in ^sop's fable, 
 Watching the grapes he'd fain devour, 
 And disappointed, calls them sour. 
 A laugh would decompose his metal, 
 And like a dog, with a tin kettle 
 Dangling at his tail, he runs 
 From witty wags who deal in puns. 
 
 TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. 
 
 Sir, v 
 
 IT has just been communicated to me, that' you 
 are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket-
 
 94 ON THE VICE OF PUNNIVG. 
 
 Book, for the express purpose of promoting that 
 pei-nicious vice, which is already much too pre- 
 valent. As an antidote to the evil, I hope you 
 will not Jail to insert this my special protest. 
 
 B. BASHFUL. 
 
 I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, 
 to use the phrase of the mode, have just come out, 
 and made my entre into the world with the repu- 
 tation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could 
 wish you to notice a minor evil in society which 
 tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, 
 by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing 
 back the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice 
 of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit 
 and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the 
 greatest degree, the young and inexperienced. 
 
 It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable 
 dilettanti, each of them capable of sustaining a part 
 in rational discourse, and of conducting the intel- 
 lectual conflict with some share of vigour and 
 learning ; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter 
 away time, patience, and attention, with a series of 
 unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of 
 the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid crea- 
 tions of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation
 
 ON THE VICE OF TUNNING. 95 
 
 presents a motley intermixture of shreds of wit and 
 patches of conceit, a chequer-work of incongruities, 
 the very orts and scraps of the " Feast of Reason, 11 
 the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If 
 I relate to this group of punsters the most affecting 
 circumstance, I am heard with impatience and in- 
 attention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word 
 susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. 
 The mischievous spark of folly immediately ignites, 
 the moral interest of my tale is undermined, and a 
 loud report of laughter announces the explosion. 
 The genius of orthography frowns in vain : puns 
 are, by the law of custom, entitled to claim en- 
 trance into the sensorium either by the eye or the 
 ear : but when a pseudo pun (" for indeed there 
 are counterfeits abroad") is perceptible to neither 
 sense when read, its wit is not discoverable ; and 
 when heard, it cannot be understood : to avoid the 
 horror of an explanation, I find myself obliged to 
 perjure my senses by laughing in ignorance and 
 very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the 
 practice I would fain abolish. The evil is sub- 
 versive of the first principle of society. Is it little 
 to hunger for the bread of wisdom, and to be fed 
 with the husks of folly ? Is it little to thirst for
 
 96 
 
 ON THE VICE 0V PUNNING. 
 
 the Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted 
 in sport or malice? Is it little to seek for the in- 
 terchange of souls, and find only the reciprocity of 
 nonsense ? 
 
 P. S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. 
 
 To which complaint, I add this note 
 And sketch, by way of antidote, 
 The glorious art can life enhance, 
 A Pun will cause a Bear to dance, 
 And as we here have proof, provoke 
 A bashful man to stand a joke.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING, 
 
 ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT 
 PERSONS. 
 
 THE PUNSTER 8 BOWL. 
 
 The sovereign medicine of life, 
 
 The antidote to care and strife 
 
 Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl, 
 
 When humour meets a kindred soul : 
 
 Then flows the epigram, and pun, 
 
 From starry eve, to morning's sun ; 
 
 And Laughter, " holding both his sides," 
 
 The rubs and jeers of life derides. 
 
 Then honest hearts, elate with glee, 
 
 Forget the world, and black ennui; 
 
 For nought like punch, and puns, can drown, 
 
 The supercilious rich man's frown, 
 
 Or free the heart, a prey to care, 
 
 From fortune's ills and fell despair. 
 
 BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men." 
 
 Addixon, Spectator, No. 61. 
 
 ROYAL PUNS. 
 
 EIGHT DIVINE. 
 
 AMONG the few highly favoured individuals who 
 were included in the select evening parties of his 
 present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at 
 the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend 
 J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested 
 to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention 
 he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke 
 dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D. D. 
 on which the reverend jocularly observed, " The 
 king can do no wrong."" Then, said his Majesty, 
 " Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I 
 have * Wright Divine* on my side." 
 
 COOKE AND KITCHEN. 
 
 Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said 
 to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. 
 When the king was told of it, he said, " It wns 
 
 H2
 
 100 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 very natural that a Cooke should be fond of Kitchen 
 stuff", but if he meddles with the Coles he will get 
 out of the frying-pan into the fire."" The Coles 
 were cousins to the lady. 
 
 A DOWN HILL PUN. 
 
 Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, 
 and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was 
 among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney 
 remarked, that Sir George was getting old and 
 feeble " If I mistake not,' 1 replied the king, " he 
 is going down hill very rapidly."" 
 
 " HUME and CHOKER had a sharp contest last 
 night,"" said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, 
 " but it ended in smoke? " I don't wonder at that," 
 replied the monarch ; " The Fire of Croker was 
 sure to smoke like Irish tfwr/'beneath the weight of 
 Scotch Hume-i-dity" 
 
 SIR EDMUND NAGLE said he wondered that the 
 king of France did not feel offended at the squibs 
 let off against him in the English newspapers. 
 " Pshaw !" said the king, " he would be a fool 
 indeed to be frightened at a squib in London,
 
 EXAMPLE^TN PUNNING. 101 
 
 when at Paris he is sitting on a barrel of gun- 
 powder." 
 
 LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT. 
 In an application to his Lordship for an in- 
 junction to restrain the proprietors of the " Ga- 
 zette of Fashion" from selling the song of " We're 
 a 1 Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling 
 nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, 
 observed, " I will dismiss both parties, by granting 
 an injunction against Cease your Funning" 
 
 LORD STOWELL, 
 
 On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in 
 the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the 
 advocates, if they had any motion to move : and 
 being answered in the negative, the judge very 
 good humouredly replied, " Then, gentlemen, the 
 best thing we can do will be to move ourselves" 
 
 GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST. 
 
 Kicking the Bucket. 
 
 As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were 
 walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, 
 by accident, against a small pail, (which some
 
 102 EXAMPLES IN PCNNING. 
 
 careless servant had left at the door), and turned it 
 over ; " Why, your lordship has kicked the bucket? 
 said the facetious orator ; " No, not so bad as that, 
 George," replied the witty earl, " Tve only turned 
 a little pale (i. e. pail)" 
 
 LORD ERSKINE. 
 
 Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of 
 punning upon the ancient languages than his lord- 
 ship. For instance, on one of the articles of his 
 breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed Tu 
 doces> literally Thou Tea Chest. 
 
 THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION. 
 
 " Your Grace speaks without reason, and too 
 much in a passion" said a Spanish brunette to 
 whom he had made a proposal, and was pressing it 
 somewhat close, " Ah ! my dear little angel," said 
 the great captain, " reason has nothing to do with 
 lov e ; and passion is very desirable when we are on 
 the point of entering" into immediate action." 
 
 TURN IN 'AND TURN OUT. 
 
 A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke 
 of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morning
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 103 
 
 of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying 
 on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his 
 Grace " had not room to turn himself. 11 The Duke 
 immediately replied, " When you have lived as 
 long as I have, you will know that when a man 
 thinks of turning in his bed, it is time he should 
 turn out of it." 
 
 THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE 
 
 Being told that a great public defaulter had mar- 
 ried his kept-mistress, observed, " That fellow is 
 always robbing the public.'''' 
 
 KOGEHS ON TASTE. 
 
 When the Marquis of Hertford opened his 
 splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one 
 of the visitors present much to the annoyance of 
 certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an ob- 
 servation of hers, upon the splendour and magni- 
 ficence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers 
 archly remarked, that, " besides splendour, there 
 was so much good taste in the ornaments and so- 
 ciety every thing in the rooms was so chaste and 
 delicate"
 
 104 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 LADY HAMILTON. 
 
 The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her 
 table given " Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, 
 and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she 
 .cried, " Come, come, my Lord, you must not 
 sham Abraham."" 
 
 JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT. 
 
 A friend consoling with the comedian during a 
 severe attack of the gout, observed, that the disease 
 prolonged life, and added, " Any body might take 
 a lease of yours."" " Then it must be," quoth Jack 
 writhing with pain, " at a rack rent" 
 
 HOSPITALITY. 
 
 Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the 
 Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister 
 kingdom, was asked if he had ever been at Cork ? 
 " No," replied the wit, " but I have seen a great 
 many drawings of it." 
 
 LUTTRELL AND ROGERS. 
 
 Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the 
 Chinese Saloon the other day. " This must be a 
 famous speculation," said Sam ; " I think the pro- 
 prietor of the Anatomie Vivante should take his 
 motto from my favourite epistle in Horace 
 
 ' Aunonae prosit 
 Vir BONUS.' "
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 105 
 
 " Why," said Luttrell, " I think the man a hum- 
 bug ; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our 
 hospitals so I think a better motto may be found 
 for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted 
 
 so often 
 
 ' Vir BONUS est QUIZ.' " 
 
 THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX. 
 
 C. J.Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend,both much in- 
 commoded by duns, were together in a house, when 
 seeing some very shabby men about the door, they 
 were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. 
 Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to 
 ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to 
 them, said, " Pray, gentlemen, are you Fox-hunt- 
 ing, or Hare-hunting ?"" 
 
 LORD ROSS. 
 
 The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money 
 in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit 
 his purse. On his way he happened to meet with 
 Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in 
 a lofty phaeton, with six fine dun-coloured horses. 
 " Sir Murrough," exclaimed his Lordship, " what 
 a contrast between you and me ! I have left my 
 duns behind me ; you are driving your duns be- 
 fore you.
 
 106 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 DR. JOHNSON. 
 
 Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the 
 end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd col- 
 lected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it 
 meant, was informed that one Vowel was going to 
 be hanged for forgery. " Well,"" replied the 
 Doctor, " it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither 
 (/nor// 1 
 
 AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY. 
 
 Dr. Johnson. 
 
 A pert young fellow who had made some abor- 
 tive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding 
 the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent 
 terms with himself, had long been labouring for an 
 opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and 
 at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to 
 Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be 
 frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own 
 fond imagination, was "j'ama super athera notum" 
 he sat for some time in expectation of being ac- 
 costed by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, 
 that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to 
 break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a 
 smile of self-sufficiency, " My name, Doctor John- 
 son," said he, "is - ; you have probably
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 107 
 
 heard of me as being of some celebrity in the liter- 
 ary world.' 1 " Yes, I have indeed," was the sar- 
 castic reply he received, " of very unfortunate 
 celebrity? 
 
 DR. PARR ON WANTS. 
 
 The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness 
 was secure in proportion to the small number of 
 his wants ; and he added, that, all his life, he had 
 endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them 
 in himself. A Mr. KETCH, on hearing this, said 
 to him, " Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness 
 is, to cut down your zvants" " Suspend your 
 puns, Mr. Ketch? said the Doctor, " and / will 
 drop you the hint : My secret is, not to let them 
 groiv up? 
 
 GEORGE COLMAN. 
 
 George Colman being once asked if he were ac- 
 quainted with Theodore Hook, replied, " Oh yes ; 
 Hook and I (eye) are old associates." 
 
 JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER. 
 
 " We shall jump into summer all at once," said a 
 friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the 
 early part of the year. " Stop," said the punster, 
 " if it is leap year, you must take a good spring 
 first."
 
 10$ EXAMPLES- IN PUNNING. 
 
 SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART THE SCORE 
 
 OF MERIT. 
 
 Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir 
 George Smart being knighted, said, " It must 
 have been on the merit of his score *, and not on 
 the score of his merit" 
 
 MR. WILLIAM SPENCER. 
 
 Classical Pun. 
 
 As William Spencer was contemplating the ca- 
 ricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out 
 to him Cruickshanks's design of the " Ostend 
 packet in a squall ;" when the wit, without at all 
 sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of 
 the faces represented in the print, exclaimed, 
 
 " Quodcunque Ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi." 
 REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST. 
 
 The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her 
 friends who take grog, should mix equal quantities 
 
 * The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then 
 Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over 
 rich.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 109 
 
 of spirits and water, though she never observes the 
 rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a 
 glass under her directions, was asked by the lady 
 "Pray, Sir, is it As You Like It?"" No, 
 Madam," replied the dramatist, " it is Measure 
 for Measure? 
 
 HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS. 
 
 The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian. 
 The first time that Henderson, the player, re- 
 hearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick 
 came into the boxes, saying as he entered, " I only 
 come as a spectator." Soon after he made some 
 objection to Henderson's playing, when the young 
 actor retorted " Sir, I thought you were only to 
 be a Spectator , instead of that you are turning 
 Tatler? " Never mind him, Sir," said David 
 Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he 
 will, I'll be the Guardian" 
 
 ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN. 
 
 The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written 
 to some years since, with an offer for a good en- 
 gagement from a manager, who, on a former occa- 
 sion, had not behaved altogether well to him.
 
 110 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 Cherry sent him word, that he had been bit by him 
 once, and lie was resolved, that he should not make 
 two bites of A. Cherry. 
 
 MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE. 
 Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. 
 Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing 
 counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, " If Raine was 
 ever known to do any good to Hay ? " 
 
 RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER. 
 
 A Fault in Candles. 
 
 Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said 
 he hoped they would be better than the last. The 
 chandler said he was very sorry to hear them com- 
 plained of, as they were as good as he could make. 
 " Why," says Ralph, t( they were very well till 
 about half burnt down, but after that they would 
 not burn any longer." 
 
 C. J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE " SUBLIME AND 
 BEAUTIFUL." 
 
 Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund 
 Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were 
 served with dishes more elegant than substantial.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. Ill 
 
 Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far 
 from relishing the kickshaws that were set before 
 him, and addressing his companion " These 
 dishes, Burke," said he, " are admirably calcu- 
 lated for your palate they are both sublime and 
 beautiful.' 1 ' 1 
 
 HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON " TIT BITS."" 
 
 Home Tooke, author of the Epea Pteroenta, 
 was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees 
 in conversation. He once received an invitation 
 to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. 
 " What !" said Home Tooke, " go to meet a 
 country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and 
 Latin scraps ! that will never do." Some time 
 after tljis, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and ad- 
 dressed him with, " Ah ! my dear Parr, is it you? 
 how gratified I am to see you !" " What, me? 11 
 replied Parr, " a mere country schoolmaster, a 
 man of Greek and Latin scraps ?" " Oh my good 
 friend," rejoined Home Tooke immediately, " those 
 who told you that never understood me ; when I 
 spoke of the scraps I meant the tit-bits"
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE. 
 During Lord Westmoreland's administration, 
 when a number of new corps were raised in Ire- 
 land (and given as jobs and political favours), it 
 was observed, that, when inspected there, the esta- 
 blishment of each regiment was nominally reported 
 to be complete at embarkation for England, but 
 when landed at the other side, many of them had 
 not a quarter of their numbers. " No wonder," 
 said Mr. Curran, " for after being mustered, they 
 are afraid of being peppered, and off they fly, not 
 wishing to pay for the roast" 
 
 COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE. 
 
 A gentleman being severely cross-examined by 
 Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he 
 did not li ve within the verge of the court, at length 
 answered that he did. { < And pray, sir," said 
 Dunning, " why did you take up your residence 
 in that place ?" " In order to avoid the imperti- 
 nence of dunning" answered the witness. 
 
 LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET. 
 
 Bleeding in Chancery. 
 
 On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained 
 against that useful work the Lancet, the Lord
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 113 
 
 Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and " hoped there 
 would be no more bleeding" to which Mr. Hart 
 replied, not much, as there was only one operator 
 retained by each side. Ay, but, said his lordship, 
 they may stick to their patient like a LEACH. 
 
 R. B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR 
 ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. 
 
 One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into 
 the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak : 
 " But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish 
 cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." 
 He swallowed it, another, and another. " Now, 
 (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On 
 which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote 
 the following impromptu,: 
 
 The Prince came in, said it was cold, 
 Then put to his head the rummer ; 
 
 Till swallow after swallow came, 
 When he pronounced it summer. 
 
 CHARLES BANNISTER. 
 
 Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his 
 custody, and asking his offence, was told he had 
 stolen a bridle. " Then (said Charles) he wanted 
 to touch the bit" 
 
 i
 
 114 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING. 
 
 That very sober pious personage, Mr. Wilber- 
 force, reproved his friend Sheridan thus: " My 
 good Sir, (said he) you have drunk a little too 
 much.' 1 '' " Have I ? (hiccupped the other) and you, 
 my good Sir, have drunk much too little.' 1 '' 
 
 THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD. 
 
 The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knot- 
 ting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was 
 doing? " Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. 
 Whitfoord, can you knot? 1 " He answered, " / 
 can-not.' 1 '' 
 
 JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED. 
 
 The judge told an old man with a long beard, who 
 was being examined as a witness, that he " supposed 
 he had a conscience as long as his beard."" If, replied 
 the old man, we were all to be judged of by that 
 rule, your lordship would be deemed a most un- 
 conscionable judge *. 
 
 LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY. 
 
 " Sic sine Morte Mori" was given by some wag 
 as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Ty- 
 
 * Jefferics had no beard.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNINO. 115 
 
 rawley were both present, at a very advanced age, 
 when Lord Chesterfield said, " Tyrawley and I 
 have been dead these two years; but we don't 
 choose to have it known." 
 
 SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH. 
 
 A German baron at a gaming-house, being de- 
 tected in an odd trick, one of the players fairly 
 threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. 
 On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who 
 told him u never play so high again."" 
 
 FELIX M'CARTHY. 
 
 Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, 
 and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, 
 was advised to complain to the Principal, which he 
 did thus : " I have been abused here by some of 
 the rascals of this inn, and I come to acquaint you 
 of it, as I understand you are the Principal" 
 
 TIERNEY V. FOX. 
 
 Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, " If any 
 thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom 
 I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not 
 lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then 
 in administration) whispered to his neighbour, " If 
 he could not lie on his pillow with ease, he can lie 
 in this house with ease." 
 
 i 2
 
 116 EXAMPLES IN FUNNING. 
 
 LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS. 
 
 Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor at- 
 tacked him : " I allow no person (said he) to kill 
 game on my manor but myself; and I'll shoot you, 
 if I find you here again." " What! (said the 
 comedian) do you mean to make game of me T" 1 
 
 CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW. 
 
 The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, 
 Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following 
 hits took place : 
 
 W. I fear, Charles, you lose a great deal of time 
 with this fiddling. 
 
 S. Sir, I endeavour to keep time. 
 
 W. You mean rather to kill time. 
 
 S. No, I only beat time. 
 
 JOHN KEMBLE MUEDERING TIME. 
 
 When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung 
 by Richard Cceur de Lion, Shaw, the leader of 
 the band, called out from the orchestra, " Mr. 
 Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are murdering 
 time.' 1 ' 1 Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch 
 of snuft', said, " My dear Sir, it is better for me to 
 murder Time at once than be continually beating 
 him as you do." 
 
 SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE. 
 
 Sheridan complained that Congreve's " Love for
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 117 
 
 Love" had been so much altered and modified to suit 
 the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was 
 quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern 
 marriages, with very little of " Love for Love" in 
 it. " His plays,"" said the wit, " are, I own, some- 
 what licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them : 
 they are like horses ; when you deprive them of their 
 vice, they lose their vigour." 
 
 THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT. 
 
 An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon 
 after thrown into the King's Bench ; on which the 
 following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post : 
 " Mr. A., who lately quitted the pulpit for the bar, 
 has been promoted to the bench" 
 
 SIR J. PARNELL 
 
 Became a general toast in Ireland after the Union, 
 by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, " his 
 bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he 
 was told, " Ah ! but it's amply made up to you in 
 toast" 
 
 HORACE TWISS, M. P. 
 
 A special Pun. 
 
 Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of 
 Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth : when the 
 hero questions the witches what they are doing,
 
 118 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 they answer, *' a deed without a name." Our coun- 
 sellor, whose attention was at that moment directed 
 more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, 
 catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, " A 
 deed without a name ! why, 'tis void." 
 
 RALPH WEWITZER. 
 
 The comedian meeting a young friend, observed 
 how well he looked. " Ay, (says the other) I have 
 a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be 
 well satisfied ; in the first place, every morning I 
 eat a great deal to breakfast." " Then (observes 
 the former) I presume you breakfast in a timber- 
 yard.^ 
 
 JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER. 
 
 A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. 
 John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting 
 of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a 
 friend, " I may be an actor, but I will not attempt 
 to be a Shooter? 
 
 LORD NELSON'S ARMS. 
 
 The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, 
 having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put 
 up his arms, and change the name of the inn to 
 The Nelson Hotel ; his lordship returned for an- 
 swer, that he was perfectly welcome to his name, 
 but he must be sensible that he had no arms to 
 npare.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. Ill) 
 
 SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST. 
 
 A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an 
 assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lord- 
 ship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him 
 to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. 
 " If it were hung (said his lordship), I would try 
 it.' 1 " If you were to try it (replied Curran), it 
 would be sure to be hung." 
 
 CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE. 
 On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister 
 to " Coventry" for refusing to fight a duel, " Sure," 
 said the wit, " that is carrying the joke a little 
 toofar." 
 
 CAPITAL JOKES. 
 
 While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, 
 a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. 
 Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he 
 saw. " You joke,"" said the barrister. " If (re- 
 plied Mr. Curran) you have many such jokes in 
 your head, the sooner you crack them the better. 11 
 
 ON DISCIPLINE. 
 
 MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he 
 had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Re- 
 bellion he was seized with a military ardour, and 
 when the different volunteer corps were forming in
 
 120 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meet- 
 ing with Curran, MacNally said, " My dear friend, 
 these are not times for a man to be idle ; I am de- 
 termined to enter the Lawyers 1 Corps, and follow 
 the camp." " You follow the camp, my little limb 
 of the law !" said the wit, " tut, tut, renounce the 
 idea ; you never can be a disciplinarian."" " And 
 why not, Mr. Curran ?" said MacNally. " For 
 this reason," said Curran, " the moment you were 
 ordered to march you would halt." 
 
 LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL. 
 A gentleman told Lord North, that from a va- 
 riety of losses, he had found himself compelled to 
 reduce his establishment. " And what (said his 
 lordship) have you done with the fine mare you 
 used to ride?" " I have sold her." Then you 
 have not attended to Horace's maxim : 
 
 ' EQUAJI memento rebus in arduis 
 Servure' " 
 
 MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND. 
 
 Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas 
 More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and 
 thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, ob- 
 served, " Honores mutant Mores.' 1 '' " No, my lord 
 (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in 
 English, Honors change Manners."
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 121 
 LORD BYEON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING. 
 
 Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning 
 was the lowest species of wit. " True (said the 
 other), it is the foundation" 
 
 THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE. 
 
 Pun beneficial. 
 
 Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, de- 
 lighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with 
 him the first time after the decease of his lady, he 
 said he feared the company would not find things 
 in so good order as they were in the time of poor 
 Mary, adding with a sigh, " Ah ! she was indeed 
 Mare Pacificum? A curate, who pretty well knew 
 the truth of the matter, got himself completely into 
 favour by observing, " Ay, my lord, but she was 
 first Mare Mortuum" 
 
 ' DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS. 
 
 A pun spoiled. 
 
 At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought 
 in, become almost grey with age. " Carry these 
 pease to Kensington !" said one of the party. " Why 
 to Kensington ?" said another. " Because it's the 
 way to TurrCem green? Dr. Goldsmith going 
 home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, 
 observed, that he would have given five pounds to 
 make so excellent a pun. " You shall have the 
 opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when
 
 122 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 you are to dine with me, and none of the same 
 company will be present." Tuesday came, and 
 the dinner was served up ; amongst the other 
 dishes a plate of pease of the same description. 
 " Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. 
 " Why so ?" " Because it's the way to make them 
 green /" 
 
 DR. BROWN'S TOAST. 
 
 Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses 
 to a young lady, whom he used always to give as 
 a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter 
 filling his glass, said, " Come, doctor, I'll give you 
 your favourite toast." He answered, " You may 
 do as you please ; but for myself, I have already 
 toasted her too long without being able to make her 
 Brown." 1 " 1 
 
 R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M. P. 
 
 " Sir," said the humane M. P. to the facetious 
 dramatist (praising his own bill), " instead of the 
 drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as for- 
 merly, you will shortly see them applying opodeldoc 
 to their wounds." " Ay ;"" rejoined the punster, 
 " Steer's of Cory-lane."" 
 
 R. PEAKE AND WINSTON. 
 
 The punster, having occasion to call upon the 
 stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his 
 room, when the servant remarked, " he feared Mr.
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 123 
 
 Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a 
 stage screw lying upon the table before him, took it 
 up and replied, " I perceive he has left his card 
 and name behind him." 
 
 ARNOLD AND PEAKE. 
 
 A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the pro- 
 prietor of the English Opera, was an ill-tempered 
 man, but a fortunate one, Charles Westmacott 
 replied, " he knew that to be true, for he was in- 
 debted for both his cash and success to pique" 
 (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.) 
 
 PEAKE'S " STOUT MAN" 
 
 Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of 
 the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when 
 Arnold observing that the piece did not run ac- 
 cording to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, 
 " How can you expect a stout man to run in such 
 very hot weather?" 
 
 CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS. 
 
 The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. 
 Parsons into a shop where there was an electric eel, 
 the latter said, " Charles, what sort of a pie would 
 that eel make ?" He answered, " A shock-ing one? 
 
 THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES. 
 
 Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing 
 a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and 
 skill of a waterman, observed, " Your grace is
 
 124 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for 
 by your skull you could always keep your head 
 above water" 
 
 BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN. 
 
 Simplicity v. Wit. 
 
 A country booby boasting of the numerous acres 
 he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, " For 
 every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit. 11 
 The other, filling his glass, said, " My service to 
 you, Mr. Wise-acre /" 
 
 DENNIS THE FUNSTER. 
 
 Triajuncta in uno. 
 
 Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, 
 and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed 
 for it in a copy. of verses by three gentlemen, whose 
 names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall ; 
 he answered them in the following manner : " If 
 Good be the better half of thy name, it is so little 
 in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in con- 
 junction with thy friend Jofm, thou hast helped to 
 make such a noble copy of verses that they ought 
 to be engraven on stone. I would have given 
 steel the preference, if a certain person did not Mar 
 your works, so shall say no more of the matter."
 
 W. R. V.-ANA. 
 
 THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER. 
 
 " A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." 
 
 [There are very few literary persons in London, at 
 least among those connected with the public press, 
 who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, 
 punning, conversational powers of my friend 
 W. R. V. whose whim,, wit, and great good 
 nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected 
 manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle 
 him to.] 
 
 Some one observed, " Matches are made in 
 Heaven." " Yes," answered he, " and they are 
 very often dipped in the other place." 
 
 Two men contending at a tavern upon the point 
 of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, 
 " Blow, blow, thou wintry wjnd !". one said Ben 
 Jonson ; the other said Shakspeare.. R. V. to ad- 
 just their differences, observed, " They must have 
 written it between them, for each was a-verse to 
 ingratitude." 
 
 A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name 
 of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and 
 starved to death, applied to the punster " Yau-go- 
 lean- OT was the reply. *-
 
 126 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 " A tailor is the ninth part of a man,' 1 observed 
 a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the 
 sheers : " But," answered R. V. " a fool's no part 
 at all." 
 
 " He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed 
 an old cynic. " You speak from experience" was 
 the stopper to this vinegar cruet. 
 
 Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole 
 tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith : R. V. 
 hoped that as he had so long answered the bell, the 
 Bell would now answer him. 
 
 One asked him what works he had in the press. 
 " Why, the History of the Bank, with notes ; the 
 Art of Cookery, with plates ; and the Science of 
 Single Stick, with wood cuts" 
 
 A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when 
 he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. " I 
 am surprised at that," said he ; " his father took 
 his chop at HatchetCs? 
 
 A barber recommended him his aromatic es- 
 sence for the improvement of his hair. " No, no ; 
 don't waste your fragrance on the desert hair" 
 
 A friend remarked of a gentleman with very 
 large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. " Poor 
 fellow ; don't you see he's lock-jawed^ 
 
 " How well you put on your cravat," said a crony : 
 " that tie 's something new. 1 ' " Yes ; it's a novel- 
 tie^
 
 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 127 
 
 He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by 
 observing, " I should not like to go up in a balloon 
 with you, for fear of our falling out." 
 
 Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work 
 of his from the press to his bookseller, " Dear me !" 
 he exclaimed, " what a weight is off my mind" 
 
 " What a swell you are in your new frock coat, 11 
 said a quiz to him one day. " Don't you like it ? 
 I do : indeed I'm quite Wrapped up in it" 
 
 The same person meeting him one day in the 
 city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if 
 it was a city cut. " No, 11 answered he, " it's a 
 west-cut." 
 
 Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a 
 wine glass : the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently 
 let it fall " Zounds ! I did not ask you for a 
 tumbler /" 
 
 Sitting in company with one of those people who 
 find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indif- 
 ferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old 
 fellow. " True, true ; we have nothing new or 
 good now-a-days : Waterloo bridge is a catchpenny t 
 HerschelTs telescope all my eye, the steam engine 
 a bottle of smoke, and the safety-coach a complete 
 take in? 
 
 Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learn- 
 ing was pabulum animi, food of the mind. " Yes, 11
 
 128 . EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 
 
 replied he, " and that's the reason, I suppose, the 
 collegians wear trencher caps. 1 ' 
 
 On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, 
 the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his fo- 
 raging cap, greatly inconveniencing him : a brave 
 officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood 
 near, presented His Majesty with his own, which 
 the King graciously accepted, and wore until he 
 got to his carriage. This drew from him the fol- 
 lowing impromptu : 
 
 " Whether in peace or war, 
 
 If hostile dangers frown, 
 It is the soldier's care 
 
 To guard his Monarch's crown." 
 
 He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever 
 work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stu- 
 pidity. " My book wanted a title" was the reply. 
 " Oh !" he observed, "but it might otherwise have 
 been peer-less? 
 
 On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating 
 the affair that deprived him of his rank as General 
 being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they 
 should refuse him even a major-ity. n 
 
 Being proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, 
 he asked when they met : " Every Saturday even- 
 ing during the winter." " Then," said he, " I shall 
 never make a Phoenix, for I catft rise from iliejire."
 
 NORBURYANA*; 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORB (TRY'S 
 
 BEST PUNS, 
 |jJu ag UmpctteD. , 
 
 THE PUNNING LAWYERS. 
 The counsel archly crack their joke 
 On every word the witness spoke ; 
 The Jury, laughing, like the fun, 
 And Norbury sums up with a Pun, 
 
 A GOOD Pun has, from time immemorial, been 
 quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good 
 plea; and not unusually has proved successful with 
 the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely 
 to the more weighty arguments of precedents and 
 rejoinder^ would only have produced a temporary 
 suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's 
 talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon 
 all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound : 
 scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the 
 sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the hu- 
 mourist is after the last good thing of the Chief 
 Justice^ ; and, if he fails to encounter a new pun, 
 he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without 
 game for the morrow ; for pun-less, he is quite as 
 
 * Many of these whims have never before appeared in 
 print. 
 
 K
 
 130 NORBURYANA. 
 
 miserable as if he was penny-less ; and if he cannot 
 crack a new joke at the club, he is like to go cracked 
 himself with vexation in consequence. 
 
 It is one of the evils attending eminence in any 
 art, that many loose performances will be attri- 
 buted to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which 
 would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented 
 individual under whose cognomen they are surrep- 
 titiously launched forth into public life. Every 
 new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether in- 
 vented in the Four Courts of Dublin, or at the 
 midnight orgies held in the broad and narrow 
 Courts of London, at the Fives Court or the Tennis 
 Court, the King^s Court, or the Courts of law and 
 equity, are all heaped upon the great original, 
 Lord Norbury ; who has, in consequence, as many 
 sins of this sort to bear with, as any criminal 
 that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In 
 selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of 
 this little book has endeavoured to affix to the 
 Noble Punster, only, the legitimate offspring of his 
 mvn creation ; or at least such, if any one has stolen 
 in, as may not disgrace his witty family. 
 
 LORD NORBURY''S MOTTO 
 
 Is, "Right can never die;'" then, said his lordship, 
 punning thereon, " right must be left, for ever."
 
 NORBURYANA. 131 
 
 AN AMOROUS PUN. 
 
 ** Who is that lovely girl ?" exclaimed Lord Nor- 
 bury, riding in company with his friend Counsel- 
 lor Grahaarty. " Miss Glass," replied the barrister. 
 "Glass!" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love 
 which man bears to woman, I should often become 
 intoxicated, could I press such & glass to my lipsF 
 
 THE JOKER'S RETORT. 
 
 The numerous and severe animadversions on 
 Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only 
 afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supple, 
 mental criticism, viz. " That the English Broom 
 (Brougham) wanted an Irish stick to it ;" an ap- 
 pendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's 
 career, he certainly would have been very ready to 
 
 furnish. 
 
 
 
 PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE. 
 
 The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the 
 appellation of Bully Egan, from his rough courage, 
 got into the Irish parliament during the admini- 
 stration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and 
 joined with the Whigs of that day in a most out- 
 rageous opposition to the administration of the 
 noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when 
 
 K2
 
 132 NORBURYANA. 
 
 the opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited 
 regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The 
 Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without 
 beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of 
 the political field. Not content with this retreat, 
 the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the 
 noble Marquis, by way of post obit, and to heap all 
 those maledictions upon his administration, when 
 defunct, which they had so indefatigably done 
 while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the 
 course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in 
 his speech an episode, in which he proposed, " Now 
 that the Marquis was politically dead, to pencil his 
 epitaph ;"" and this he did in such coarse and pon- 
 derous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord 
 Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan, 
 penciling with a pickaxe. 
 
 TIME AND ETEENITY. 
 
 On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner 
 who had been convicted of privately stealing a time 
 piece, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enor- 
 mity of his crime, concluded a very impressive 
 speech by observing, that he had been grasping at 
 time, and caught eternity.
 
 NORBURYANA. 33 
 
 THE CANAL AND LOCKS. 
 
 Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was pos- 
 sessed of considerable property in a distant part of 
 the country, and in whose welfare he had taken 
 great interest, particularly during the progress of a 
 bill through parliament for draining her lands, he 
 
 accosted her, " Ah, my dear Mrs G , how d'ye 
 
 do? how goes on your water ways'l I must 
 come and take a view of your little canal and 
 locks" 
 
 DROPPING THE SUBJECT. 
 
 A man having been capitally convicted before 
 Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to 
 say why judgment of death should not pass against 
 him " Say !" replied he, " why, I think the joke 
 has been carried far enough already, and the less 
 that is said about it the better ; so if you please, 
 my lord, we'll drop the subject." " The subject 
 may drop" replied his lordship. 
 
 JAM SATIS. 
 
 A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie 
 made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have 
 some more fruit? "Jam satis," replied the punster.
 
 134 NORBURYANA. 
 
 THE CRITICS CURTAILED. 
 
 " Lord Byron calls his abusers dogs" said a 
 friend to Lord Norbury ; " No doubt he wishes 
 them and their censures cur-tailed" was the reply. 
 
 SHAKE-SPEAKE. 
 
 Riding one day with a friend of the name of 
 SPEARE, whose horse appeared to jolt him very 
 much, his Lordship could not help observing it. 
 " He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may 
 mend," said Speare. " By the bye, my Lord, I 
 want a name for him." " It must be Shdke-speare, 
 then," retorted his Lordship. 
 
 KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS. 
 
 Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of 
 Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from 
 giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so 
 offensive to the King James's party. JAMES, the 
 next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave 
 it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was 
 present, could not help observing, " You are no 
 friend to King, James"
 
 NORBURYANA. 135 
 
 CURLED HAIR. 
 
 Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, 
 the mattrass-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, 
 who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her 
 on having so long delayed sending home his order : 
 " Sure your Lordship," said the good woman, with 
 great naivete, " there's no curled hair to be had 
 now in Dublin, neither for love nor money" " By 
 the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking 
 amorously, " but it was very plentiful in this city, 
 Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a curly boy" 
 
 TRIAL OF A HORSE. 
 
 Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury 
 had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious 
 and long trial, when they retired to make up their 
 verdict, a barrister got. up to make a motion re- 
 specting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey 
 for not being sound. His lordship complained of 
 his being much tired after the business of the day, 
 and begged they would postpone the business till 
 Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward 
 the business, said it would only occupy him a few 
 minutes to try it. His Lordship rising, said in his 
 usual dry way : " Gentlemen, to-morrow is a ho- 
 liday ; you will have time and leisure to try the 
 horse yourselves"
 
 NORBURYANA. 
 A DRY WIPE. 
 
 Lord Norbury being in company with some 
 lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that 
 was written by CTGrady, in which he was reflected 
 on ? replied, " Yes, yes, I took it to the water- 
 t closet with me."" When told who was the author, 
 lie replied, " Ha ! I did not think my friend Grady 
 intended me such a wipe." 
 
 HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE. 
 
 Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled 
 with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon 
 Carrol accordingly opened the temporal artery; 
 and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship 
 said to him, " Carrol, I believe you were never 
 called to the bar ?" " No^ my Lord, I never was, 11 
 . replied the surgeon. " Well, I am sure, Doctor, 
 I can safely say you have cut a figure in the 
 Temple" 
 
 THE GAME JOKE. 
 
 On being informed, last autumn, of the elope- 
 ment of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was 
 Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, " Then we must 
 look out our fleecy hosiery." " Why so, my Lord 7" 
 " Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, 
 long, and severe winter to see, so early in the 
 season, the Woodcocks Jbrsake the Moors.""
 
 NORBU11YANA. 
 
 137 
 
 MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED. 
 
 Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of 
 Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horse- 
 back in the Phoenix Park, took occasion to admire 
 the beauty of their horses : " The gift of His 
 Majesty," said her Ladyship artlessly : " and 
 Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present." " Then 
 I understand," said Lord Norbury, " His Majesty 
 mounts you both" 
 
 A SPORTING PUN. 
 
 A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship 
 some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that 
 he had lately shot thirty-three hares before break- 
 fast. " Thirty-three hares /" exclaimed Lord Nor- 
 bury : " Zounds, Sir ! then you must have been 
 firing at a wig? 
 
 THE FEMALE LINGUIST. 
 
 A report having reached his Lordship that a 
 female pedant, who was well known as a blue 
 stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he 
 observed, " He could answer for her disposition to 
 conjugate, but feared she would have no oppor- 
 tunity of declining?
 
 138 NORBURYANA. 
 
 HOPE AND JOY. 
 
 At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an 
 eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a 
 certain cause, apologized to the court for the ab- 
 sence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it 
 would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who 
 was engaged in another court, would return. Some 
 time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the 
 bar, saying, " Gentlemen, I think we had better 
 proceed with the business of the day although 
 
 ' Hope told a flattering tale, 
 That Joy would soon return.' " 
 
 A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD. 
 
 A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, 
 in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an ac- 
 quaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he 
 did not come there to be queered by the old one. 
 Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in 
 his own cant t " Tin old, 'tis true, and I'm rum some- 
 times and for once Til be queer, and send you to 
 quod?
 
 NORBURYANA. 139 
 
 A LATE DINNER. 
 
 Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, 
 when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, 
 which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler 
 was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran 
 walking towards his house, said, " Do not forget, 
 Curran, you dine with me to-day." " I rather 
 fear, my friend, 1 ' replied Mr. Curran, " it will be 
 so long first, that you may forget it." 
 
 CUT AND COME AGAIN. 
 
 In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was 
 plaintiff, and Mr. Allpress of Abbey-street, de- 
 fendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, 
 Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one 
 or two more very fat barristers were employed for 
 the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably 
 thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Penny- 
 father, &c. Mr. Johnson, in defending his client 
 from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument 
 said, " My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the 
 opposite party stand forth like Shylock in the play, 
 with their knife outstretched to cut from us the 
 very pound of flesh ! " Lord Norbury very tritely 
 interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, " Mr. 
 Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive you 
 can spare it better."
 
 140 NORBURYANA. 
 
 A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED. 
 
 When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence 
 of transportation to Botany Bay was passed upon 
 the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in 
 clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry - 
 room table, after the collection for the Charity 
 Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 
 1819, he jocosely replied, " that he thought it very 
 hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have note 
 takers at all such public meetings." 
 
 , CLOSE SHAVING. 
 
 The Persian Ambassador having, among other 
 public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, 
 in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court 
 of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business 
 was suspended for a short time, to view so extraor- 
 dinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the 
 eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had 
 retired, one of. the Judges asked Lord Norbury 
 what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily 
 replied, " he might be a very clever mem, but he 
 was certain he was not a close shaver." 
 
 THE RACKET COURT. 
 
 The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so 
 decorous and attentive as they should be. During
 
 NORBURYANA. 141 
 
 the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury had 
 occasion once or twice to request silence ; when the 
 man, in a reply to a question from his lordship re- 
 lative to his occupation, answered that " he kept a 
 racket court" " Indeed," said the judge, and 
 looking archly at the bar, continued, " and I am 
 very sorry to say that I am Chief Justice of a 
 racket court much too often." 
 
 POT LUCK. 
 
 A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very 
 irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental 
 friends on a particular evening in every week at his 
 own house ; when some wags, more desirous of pro- 
 moting discord than harmony, used to assemble un- 
 der his windows, making the most hideous noises, 
 or in the Irish phraseology, " giving him ashaloof 
 upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a 
 certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some 
 passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. 
 For this assault an action was brought and tried 
 before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case 
 to the jury, good humouredly observed, " that the 
 plaintiffs must be considered in the light of unin- 
 vited guests, and it could not be denied that they 
 had been treated by the defendant with pot-luck." 
 
 In a humorous trial between the rival managers,
 
 142 NORBURYANA. 
 
 Messrs. Daly and Astley, respecting the right of 
 the latter to perform the farce of " My Grand- 
 mother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's 
 counsel stated, that the penalties recoverable 
 from the defendant, for his infringement of the 
 rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to 
 that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. 
 Toler, in reply, observed, " That it was notorious, 
 no man in Dublin had contributed more largely, in 
 one way, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly ; 
 and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this 
 action, that he should send them the cash. But," 
 continued the facetious counsel, " although Mr. 
 Daly's attachment to good pieces is proverbial, we 
 do not choose that he shall monopolize all the good 
 pieces in Dublin, from ' My Grandmother 1 down 
 to * Miss in her Teens' " 
 
 LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH. 
 
 SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF 
 
 He's dead ! alas, facetious punster, 
 Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir : 
 From heaven's high court, a tipstaff" 1 s sent, 
 To call him to his jtmn-ishment : 
 Stand to your ropes ! ye sextons, ring ! 
 Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding ! 
 NOR-BURY him without his due, 
 He was himself a TOLER * too ! 
 
 * The Learned Judge's name.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 THE SPORTING PUNSTERS. 
 
 Two merry wags, of Cockney land, 
 
 Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand, 
 
 Where tavern wits choice puns let fly, 
 
 Resolved their dogs and guns to try. 
 
 Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit, 
 
 With jacket, belt, and net to boot, 
 
 Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise, 
 
 To take the pheasants by surprise. 
 
 And what will strange appear, though true, 
 
 A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view, 
 
 Uprising 'tween the punning elves, 
 
 Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves. 
 
 Condoling on their hapless gunning, 
 
 They yet could not desist from punning : 
 
 " Ne'er mind, TOM, peasants each we've hit." 
 
 " Why leave the aitc/t, NED, out of it ?" 
 
 " Because," quoth NED, " I'd fain forget 
 
 The aitch that frets my body yet" 
 
 " Still pop for pop," quoth TOM again. 
 
 Says NED, " I feel a shooting pain ; 
 
 But then I've heard, those who aspire 
 
 To be good sportsmen must stand fire." 
 
 " Agreed," cries TOM, " and in my head 
 
 'Tis now engraved in molten kad." 
 
 By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. 
 
 ON SIR. THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF 
 ENGLAND. 
 
 When More had few years Chancellor been, 
 
 No more suits did remain ; 
 The like shall never more be seen,. 
 
 Till More be there again !
 
 144 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 R. B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT. 
 The nation is pawrid ! we shall find to our cost, 
 And the minister since has the duplicate lost. 
 We shall all be undone by the politic schemer, 
 Who, though " Heav'n-born *," will not prove a 
 Redeemer. 
 
 ON " RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE 
 LATE R. C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON." 
 
 A mighty DULL ASS is old prosing DALLAS, 
 And quite as dull and prosing is his Son 
 
 What ! fifteen shillings for the book ! Alas ! 
 No pleasant " Recollection" 1 am done. 
 
 DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER. 
 
 Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he 
 had taken a public house. " And what's your 
 sign ?" said the Dean. " Oh, the pole and bason ; 
 and if your worship would just write me a few lines 
 to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt 
 but it would draw me plenty of customers." The 
 Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following 
 couplet, which long graced the barber's sign : 
 Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, 
 Where nought excels the shaving but the beer" 
 
 * In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so de- 
 signated.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 145 
 
 G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE, 
 
 Impromptu, on Miss M. Trees intended marriage and 
 retirement from the. stage. 
 
 You bloom and charm us ! still the bosom grieves, 
 When Trees of your description take their leaves. 
 
 TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR, 
 On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla. 
 
 Dear Captain Parry, you are right 
 To give the belles a levee ; 
 
 God grant your dancing may be light, 
 For oh ! your book is heavy. 
 
 . - ' ' 'I . !. ( 
 
 SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB. 
 
 Ella's Pen. 
 Says Elia, "Zounds, this pen is hard !" 
 
 Quoth Samuel Rogers, " Do not huff, 
 But write away, my honey bard, 
 
 You soon can make it soft enough." 
 
 tWOiiOJ 
 
 FRI V. DAY. 
 
 Good Friday rain'd, Sam Rogers dined 
 On soles, for fish were all the go ; 
 And Sam allowed the Fri was good, 
 Although the day was but so so. 
 
 L
 
 146 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 TO THE LATE MR. COUTT8. 
 
 Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of 
 Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the 
 Marquis of Huntley. 
 
 An apple, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace, 
 Who from Paradise quickly was driven ; 
 
 But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case, 
 For a Melon transports you to heaven. 
 
 TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW. 
 
 Her mourning is all make-believe ; 
 
 'Tis plain there's nothing in it ; 
 With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve, 
 
 The while she's laughing in it. 
 
 IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE, 
 ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE. 
 
 'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain ; 
 
 For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne. 
 
 TO C. J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE; 
 
 God's noblest work's an honest man, 
 
 Says Pope's instructive line ; 
 To make an honest woman, then, 
 
 Most surely is divine.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 147 
 
 TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY. 
 
 You move the people, when you speak, 
 For one by one, away they sneak. 
 
 COWPER S HOMER. 
 
 Any-mad-versions when like this I see, 
 Animadversions they will draw from me. 
 
 TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR. 
 
 JVikh his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the 
 Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton. 
 
 Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire, 
 For I wish not to keep it a minute ; 
 
 What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire, 
 Is sure to be instantly in it. 
 
 ON THE COUNTESS OF B , WHO WAS RUINED AT 
 
 THE GAMING TABLE. 
 
 Card-table epitaph. 
 
 Clarinda reign'd the queen of hearts, 
 Like sparkling diamonds were her eyes ; 
 
 Till by the knave of clubs' 1 false arts, 
 Here bedded by a spade she lies. 
 
 L2
 
 148 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 ADAM AND MACADAM. 
 
 " The Macadamized streets are extremely dusty."' 
 
 Morning Paper. 
 
 Adam was made of borrowed dust ; 
 
 So says the Bible ; and, 'tis plain, 
 Macadam, to discharge the trust, 
 
 To dust turns all the ways of men. 
 
 THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN. 
 
 A hint to clever men employed on such occasions. 
 " Poor Peter Pike is drowned, and neighbours say 
 The jury mean to sit on him to day. 11 
 " Know'st thou for what ?" said Tom. Quoth 
 
 Ned, " no doubt 
 'Tis merely done to squeeze the water out? 
 
 BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX. 
 
 Royal Pun-Dit. 
 Come, lament, all ye Rogers, of punning renown, 
 
 Whose praises are sung by the * Puss sex, 
 For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town 
 
 Is the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex. 
 
 * Puss, a domestic animal allegorically a mature spinster 
 -a tabhy. JOHNSON.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. J49 
 
 In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts, 
 And telling the names of its Patrons, 
 
 He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street 
 
 boasts, 
 No matter if spinsters or matrons. 
 
 First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss : 
 Said his Grace " Were such joys ever given ! 
 
 We enter the first for the way we can't miss : 
 We enter the second 'tis Heaven r 
 
 r*! niiKJH^r.tj bfu frii i'ii>i. > v > -; Jj ' :iT 
 
 TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF " BRUTUS." 
 
 Your prose and verse alike are bad, 
 
 Methinks you both transpose ; 
 Your prose e'en like your verse runs mad, 
 
 And all your verse is prose. 
 
 DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER. 
 
 The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Com- 
 poser, for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, 
 by his friend Peter Pindar. 
 
 Son of the string, (I do not mean Jack Ketch, 
 Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones,} 
 
 Oh ! yield thy pity to a starving wretch, 
 
 And for to-morrow's treat, pray send thy bones !
 
 150 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 BY LORD BYRON, 
 
 On Southeys house being on fire* 
 Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates, 
 
 Abstulit : hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phoebe, placet ? 
 O scelus, 6 magnum facinus, crimenque deorum, 
 Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus. 
 
 Martial, Lib. xi. Epig. 94. 
 
 The Laureate's house hath been on fire ! the Nine 
 All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine : 
 But, cruel fate ! Oh damnable disaster ! 
 The house the house is burnt, and not the master ! 
 
 GEORGE TIERNEY, M. P. 
 
 The Inclosure Bill. 
 If 'tis a crime in man or woman, 
 A goose to pilfer from a common ; 
 What can a parliament excuse, 
 
 To steal a common from a goose ? 
 
 f 
 
 ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE, 
 
 A lady remarkably short in stature. 
 Thrice happy Tom I think him so ; 
 
 For mark the poet's song, 
 " Man wants but little here below, 
 
 Nor wants that little long"
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 151 
 
 ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN 
 AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS. 
 
 His time was quick, his touch was fleet, 
 
 Our gold he nimbly finger d ; 
 Alike alert with hands and feet, 
 
 His movements have not lingered. 
 
 Where lies the wonder of the case ? 
 
 A moment's thought detects it ; 
 His practice has been thorough-bass, 
 
 A chord will be his exit. 
 
 SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM. 
 
 A father and son much addicted to drink, 
 
 Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee ; 
 Said the parent, " Why, Tom, thou dost drink 
 
 mighty deep, 
 Though you'll say that you take after me." 
 
 " No, father," cried Tom, " I will never say so, 
 
 Nor do so, I hope, by St. Paul ; ' 
 For, 'tis certain, that if I did take after you, 
 
 I should drink scarcely any at allT 
 
 BY LORD HARBOROUGH. 
 
 If Lovers aflame, as ancient poets prove, 
 Ah, me ! how cold 's thejire of my Love.
 
 152 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 ON A PAINTED FAIR. 
 
 Ye ladies who paint, may most safely declare, 
 With Horace, that dust and a shadow ye are. 
 
 CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM. 
 An epigram, what is it, honey ? 
 A little poem, short and funny ; 
 About four lines in length,^not more : 
 Then this is one, for here are four. 
 
 ON A MISER NAMED MORE. 
 
 Iron was his chest, 
 
 Iron was his door ; 
 His hand was iron, 
 
 And his heart was More. 
 
 ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE. 
 
 Written during the O. P. contest. 
 Actor and Architect, he tries 
 
 To please the critics, one and all ; 
 This bids the private tiers to rise, 
 And that the public tears to fall. 
 
 MAIDS AND BACHELORS. 
 
 Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes ; 
 It may be true but, tarry 
 They're bachelors that fill those shapes 
 Because they did not marry.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 153 
 
 ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN 
 ARM IN ARM. 
 
 How D. I>. swaggers, M. D. rolls ! 
 
 I dub them both a race of noddies : 
 Old D. D. has the cure of souls, 
 
 And M. D. has the care of bodies. 
 Between them both, what treatment rare 
 
 Our souls and bodies must endure ! 
 One has the cure without the care, 
 
 And one the care without the cure. 
 
 ONE LAWYER MORE. 
 
 " Pray does one MORE, a lawyer, live hard by ?" 
 " I do not know of one" was the reply ; 
 " But if one less were living, I am sure, 
 Mankind his absence safely might endure." 
 
 PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC. 
 
 In critics this country is rich ; 
 
 In friendship and love who can match 'em : 
 When writers are plagued with the itch, 
 
 They hasten most kindly to scratch 'em.
 
 154 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE 
 INNS OF COUKT. 
 
 The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron 
 bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters, 
 cattle, or other nuisances from coming in, it 
 called forth the following lines from a "fat 
 single gentleman" to the principal and ancients. 
 
 Ye principal and ancient men, attend 
 To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers, 
 
 Whose studies make him lusty; oh ! befriend ! 
 Or I shall surely call you ancient codgers. 
 
 'Tis true I came here, looking to the bar, 
 And hop'd to have a call some day unto it ; 
 
 But at your entrance now there many are, 
 Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it. 
 
 " / can't get out" as Sterne's poor starling said, 
 Unless I ask the porter to unlock it ; 
 
 This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed, 
 
 Or 'gainst my corpus you must strike a docket. 
 
 This may reduce me to a decent size, 
 
 And let me pass your cursed bars of iron ;
 
 PUNNING EPIGltAMS. 155 
 
 Put up to keep us from the London cries, 
 Which now your sanctum sanctorum environ. 
 
 For if I can't be taken in, 'tis clear 
 
 I cannot be let out; and that gives trouble. 
 
 Ye principal and ancient men, oh ! hear ! 
 
 And let me pass the bar I'm DAVID DOUBLE. 
 
 ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY. 
 That Homer should a bankrupt be 
 Is not so very Odd-d'ye-see , 
 If it be true, as I am instructed, 
 So Ill-he-had his books conducted. 
 
 WALKING FOR LIFE. 
 
 On a Gentleman bringing on a severe Jit of illness, by 
 an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his 
 health. 
 
 Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus 
 
 your breath ; 
 
 'Tis in vain these exertions you make : 
 And to " walk for your life" against sure-footed 
 
 death, 
 Is the very " worst step you can take /"
 
 156 EUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW. 
 
 On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which toere used 
 as nine cellars : 
 
 There's a spirit above and a spirit below, 
 
 A spirit of Joy and a spirit of woe: 
 The spirit above is a spirit divine; 
 
 The spirit below is a spirit of wine. 
 
 THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH. 
 
 Two musical parties to Bladud belong, 
 To delight the old rooms and the upper : 
 
 One gives to the ladies a supper, no song; 
 The other a song and no supper. 
 
 ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER. 
 
 Though nature thee of thy right hand bereft, 
 Right well thou writest with the hand that's left. 
 
 PRINTER'S KISS. 
 Print on my lips another kiss, 
 
 The picture of thy glowing passion 
 Nay, this wont do nor this nor this 
 
 But How Ay, that's a proof impression.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 157 
 
 TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER. 
 
 Though much you're scar'd by Mars in arms, 
 
 Atjighting much dejected ; 
 Yet Venus, with her naked charms, 
 
 Has seen you MoRE-affected. 
 
 THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN. 
 From the French. 
 
 Woman is 
 In infancy a tender flower, 
 
 Cultivate her ; 
 A floating bark in girlhood's hour, 
 
 Softly freight her. 
 A fruitful vine when grown a lass, 
 
 Prune and please her ; 
 Old, she's a heavy charge, alas ! 
 
 Support and ease her. 
 
 THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER. 
 
 On a Lady Jar advanced in years, who was a great 
 Card-player, having married her Gardener. 
 
 Trumps ever rul'd the charming maid, 
 Sure all the world must pardon her ; 
 
 The destinies turned up a spade ; 
 She married John the gardener.
 
 158 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE. 
 
 The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia. 
 
 The Lamb, the lawyer's innocence declares ; 
 
 The Horse, their expedition in affairs ; 
 
 Hail, happy men ! such emblems well describe 
 
 The specious cunning of your legal tribe : 
 
 For say what client can expect a loss 
 
 From Lamb-like lawyers, fleeter than a Horse ? 
 
 No more let Chancery's ills be endless counted, 
 
 Since on the Pegasus of Law ye're mounted. 
 
 And ye, poor suitors ! mark your simple fate 
 
 The shorn lambs ye that crowd the Temple gate. 
 
 ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON. 
 
 '* Some demon, sure," says wond'ring Ned, 
 " In Newton's brain has fix'd his station ! " 
 
 " True," Dick replies, " you've rightly said, 
 I know his name,- 'tis demon-stration? 
 
 TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES. 
 
 Ladies ! the stags (as wise men say) 
 Change horns but once a-year : 
 
 Whereas your stags change ev'ry day, 
 As plainly does appear.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 159 
 
 ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH. 
 
 Some men brush on, and some brush off, 
 
 And some brush out of sight ! 
 While Grieves's * brush makes thousands rush 
 
 To see it every night. 
 
 ON THE HYDE PAHK ACHILLES. 
 
 If on this pedestal we see 
 
 Our great Achilles and Protector, 
 
 Why then the inference must be, 
 
 He whom he vanquished was a Hector. 
 
 EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V. 
 
 On reading- that Madame Fodor had endangered her 
 life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shape. 
 
 Against Fodor^s existence, it may truly be said, 
 That custom has raised an unnatural strife ; 
 
 For if she gets fat she loses her bread ; 
 And if she gets thin she loses her life. 
 
 * The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have 
 been for a series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery 
 produced at Covent Garden Theatre.
 
 160 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent -Garden Theatre, on 
 thejirst night of the appearance of Miss Dance. 
 
 Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first, 
 
 But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant 
 
 trance, 
 And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is 
 
 just, 
 
 Where Melpomene's self comes to welcome the 
 Dance. 
 
 On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely 
 played by Miss Tree. 
 
 Where's Ariel? that is, where is Tree? 
 
 Whose voice and form so truly suit in't ; 
 Surely the public must agree, 
 
 The Manager has put his Foot in't. 
 
 On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and 
 on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Black- 
 friars Bridge. 
 
 England's friendly to all, let folks say what they 
 
 will, 
 
 From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover ; 
 Her Commons first passed the Catholic Bill, 
 And the very next day vote for the Pass over.
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 161 
 
 On reading thut Captain Parry embarked on board the 
 " Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion Week. 
 
 Parry's rage for discovery exceeds all, no doubt, 
 For both captain and crew in a Fury set out ; 
 But still some excuse will appear for this freak, 
 When we learn the affair took place in Passion 
 week. 
 
 On reading in the Paper a supposition that Skakspeare 
 was lame. 
 
 That Shakspeare was lame, from his sonnets you'd 
 
 But halt ere such men with weakness you're brand- 
 
 ing; 
 
 An abler hand never guided a pen, 
 And his works plainly show he'd a strong under- 
 
 standing. 
 
 ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE ; 
 
 The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and' not 
 as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreath. 
 
 Pistrucci, in thine art divine, 
 
 Thou never wast more clever ; 
 Long may the laurel mark our Sovereign's line, 
 
 But may the /. V. never ! 
 
 1C
 
 162 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 
 
 IMPROMPTU 
 
 On Captain Fitz-Clarence' s life being preserved by the 
 interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the 
 Conspirators in Cato Street. 
 
 When war destruction on the soldier deals, 
 Some seek from death a refuge in their heels ; 
 E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife, 
 We find indebted to his Legge for life ! 
 
 MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT. 
 
 Jack from his box surveys the house around, 
 Views in the pit a friend with glass erect, 
 Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound 
 First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut 
 direct. 
 
 " How now," cries Will ! (whilst all around him 
 
 heard), 
 " Cut an old friend ! why, Jack, what are you 
 
 after? 
 
 Oh, oh, the coat ! 'pon honor that's absurd ; 
 Charles is so droll, IVe cracked my sides with 
 
 laughter"
 
 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 163 
 
 TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL. 
 
 That U follows Q 
 Is not always true ; 
 When your pigtail I view, 
 Then queue follows you. 
 
 ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING 
 THE LATE RAINS. 
 
 When British flags triumphant scour'd the main, 
 Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain ; 
 But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags. 
 Oh that the main would scour the British flags ! 
 
 ,, 
 
 TO THE AUTHOR OF " PEN OWEN. 
 rf . j , i j 
 
 If wit and elegance combined, 
 With harmless satire glowing, 
 Can gain applause, or charm the mind, 
 It is to your Pen-owing. 
 
 ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART. 
 When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose ; 
 With a " Deluge" of music the house overflows ; 
 His (Boxer) Bochsa beats time, who's forced to 
 
 impart 
 
 Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's 
 Smart. 
 
 if 9
 
 164 PUNNING EPIGRAMS; 
 
 A SNEER ANSWERED. 
 
 " Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill, 
 " Give me a bon mot if you will." 
 " A what ? a bon mot ! how absurd ! 
 Whoever gave you a good word." 
 
 A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ox HIS DOG. 
 
 Here lies, who living never lied, 
 A friend sincere, of courage tried; 
 No slave to wealth, to vice unknown, 
 Though oft reduced to pick a bone. 
 Patched was his coat, both red and white, 
 And shaggy too his outwarti plight ; 
 Yet grateful still his master serv'd, 
 And from allegiance never swerved. 
 A sportsman true, who at a word 
 Would point, and oft bring down his bird : 
 Or fetch, or carry, hunt, orjind, 
 Whatever was of the feather'd kind. 
 " By no disease no blast he fell, 
 " But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well, 
 " Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time, 
 " As clock that can no longer chime :" 
 Here CARLO stopp'd for want of breath, 
 Outrun at last by Nimrod death. 
 
 BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
 
 PUNSTER'S COURT; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN. 
 
 VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT. 
 
 For Illustration, see Vignette to Title. 
 
 GREAT PLATO and HOMER, and half a score sages, 
 
 Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages, 
 
 Have all of them prov'cl, if their writings you'll seek, 
 
 That Puns were esteem'd both by Hebrew and Greek : 
 
 Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun, 
 
 And their merriment owed to the mirth-making Pun. 
 
 There's BUXTORF, a learned Chaldean, hath told, 
 
 That Ptolemaeus Philo-punnaeus, of old, 
 
 Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city, 
 
 To propagate punning and make the folks witty : 
 
 And so well did the priests with the people succeed, 
 
 That their Puns were collected, and thus 'twas decreed ; 
 
 " In a temple devoted to punning and wit, 
 
 " In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ; 
 
 " ' The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'" 
 
 Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole. 
 
 Here JANUS contended with PAN for the throne, 
 
 When his double-faced godship unrivalled shone ; 
 
 For no matter how wittily PAN punn'd away, 
 
 JANUS turn'd round his head from the " grave to the gay," 
 
 Till the audience, rill'd with amazement and wonder, 
 
 Decided for JANUS'S double entendre. 
 
 BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
 
 FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES; 
 
 OB* 
 
 JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR. 
 
 " Touch but his gunpowder wit with a merry fire, and 
 you shall instantly hear a good report." 
 
 " A punster's wit, what is it like ?" 
 " The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en ;" 
 
 " Or gunpowder/' says merry Mike, 
 " Touch it, you bid adieu to pain." 
 
 PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON. 
 
 Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, 
 playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, 
 that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the 
 room throwing the dice, and addressing himself al- 
 ternately to his visitors, said 
 
 " If I bate you an ace, 
 
 Deuce take me ; 
 
 for it would be-tfro?/ a weakness 
 
 in a man who could not cater for himself. 
 
 Therefore sink me 
 
 if you do size."" 
 
 A NEGATIVE PUN. 
 
 " I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you 
 have succeeded to a large landed property !" " And 
 I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless.""
 
 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS, &C. 167 
 
 A PUN. THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER. 
 
 In the Latin version of the Bible there is the fol- 
 lowing passage : Tu es PETRUS, et super hanc pe~ 
 tram cedificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in 
 rendering these words into their own tongue, con- 
 vert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner 
 stone here spoken of Tu es PIERRE, et sur cette 
 pierrej^edlfierai mon eglise!!! 
 
 A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN. 
 
 An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the 
 pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully 
 annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to 
 whose " loud sounds'" he was unfortunately placed. 
 He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the 
 performer made use of the word " man-milliner" once 
 or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. " Man- 
 milliner !" said the gentleman, " I am none, but 
 you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with." 
 
 A BACKSLIDER'S PUN. 
 
 A gentleman asked another if he would have a 
 skait on the Serpentine ; " Most certainly ; but 
 I can't trust to my soles and heels : besides, I should 
 lose my character." " Lose your character !" 
 " Aye, I should become a back-slider. " Oh," 
 answered his friend, " come along; you'll do, if you 
 commence on fundamental principles."
 
 168 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 
 
 AN HERALDIC PUN. 
 
 A gentleman employing a porter whose name 
 was liussel, asked him jocularly, " Pray is your 
 coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's ?" 
 " Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, 
 pretty much alike ; but there is a confounded dif- 
 ference in our coats.' 1 '' 
 
 A CANONICAL PUN. 
 
 A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks 
 since ; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in 
 that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he 
 
 said" So, Canon H is dead !" " Indeed !" 
 
 replied the other, " I was not aware that cannons 
 went o^in that way." " Yes, they do," rejoined 
 the first, " for I have just heard the report /" 
 
 . AN APOTHECARY'S PUN. 
 " Does your husband expectorate?" said an 
 
 apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long 
 visited his shop for her sick husband " Expect to 
 ate, yer honour no sure, and Paddy does not expect 
 to ate he ""s nothing at all to ate !" The humane 
 man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of 
 
 soup then smoking on his table. 
 
 
 
 A BITTER PUX. 
 
 An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were 
 hot " Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter 
 cold day?
 
 AND PURPOSES. 169 
 
 A SMUGGLER'S PUN. 
 
 When the Custom-house corps first made their 
 public appearance, it was observed by one, that 
 they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders, 
 " Rather say," said another, " that they appear more 
 like Seizers" (Caesars.) 
 
 COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN. 
 
 Two Oxonians dining together, one of them 
 noticing a spot of' grease on the neckcloth of his 
 companion, said, " f see you are a Grecian" 
 " Pooh !" said the other, " that's far-fetched " 
 " No, indeed," says the punster, " I made it on the 
 spot."" 
 
 A CUANIOLOGICAL PUN. 
 
 A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing 
 the merits of their several professions; says the 
 Skullist, " What we cannot get into their noddles, we 
 get out of them." " Yes," says the physiognomist, 
 " God help the heads saddled with such a theory ! 
 for whilst one galls, toother spiers 'em? 
 
 A CITY PUN. 
 otiiiuiurl ."!t 
 
 A wag, upon seeing the name of " Mr. Ledger, 
 conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of 
 deaths, observed, " Ah ! poor fellow ! his day-book's 
 closed, and he 's posted, I suppose, to his long ac- 
 count" " By no means improbable," said another, 
 " seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life !"
 
 170 PUNS FOR ALL PEHSONS 
 
 A PHYSICAL PUN. 
 
 A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to 
 a celebrated physician " Oh, ; ' replies he, " I have 
 called several times, but he 's always out." " Why 
 then," observes his friend, " try another." " Who ?" 
 " Who .' why Sir Ever-hard-Home" 
 
 A COLLEGE PUN. 
 
 A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to 
 the Latin classics, for the best " Carmen" to cele- 
 brate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, 
 sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he 
 knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the 
 festive season, as they had been " keeping it up" 
 for the last fortnight. 
 
 A LADY'S PUN. 
 
 A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, 
 being one season at Margate, in the house with six 
 others, her relations, and only one gentleman to 
 attend the whole ; when one regretting that they 
 had not more of the male creation, she replied, " If 
 we complain of not being well manned* I am sure 
 we are well rigged." 
 
 A COBBLER'S PUN. 
 
 A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, 
 exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the 
 Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the 
 bullet wound was; " Och, (said the fellow from 
 .the sister country) it's been healed lately.' 1
 
 AND PURPOSES. 171 
 
 A JUDICIAL PUN. 
 
 One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, 
 who told him he was his kinsman. " Well (re- 
 plied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon 
 till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim. 1 ' 
 
 A BACCHANALIAN PUN. 
 
 A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a 
 zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend 
 who met him, whence he 'came ? He said, " I have 
 been spinning' out the evening with my neighbour 
 Freeport." " And now (replied the other), you are 
 reeling it home/' 
 
 A GERMAN PUN. 
 
 A young man of the name of Caesar having mar- 
 ried a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon 
 his door, " Cave, Caesar, ne tua Roma fiat respub- 
 
 A WHISTLING PUN. 
 
 A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin 
 of punning. His father, who detested a pun not 
 less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine 
 of half a crown for each commission of this offence. 
 One day the father and son passing along, saw a 
 man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely re- 
 frain from a pun with which he was big. The pre- 
 sence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he 
 indulged his wit by whistling, " Through the wood, 
 laddie."
 
 172 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 
 
 A MANAGER'S PUN. 
 
 A new comedy, on its third representation, being 
 thinly attended, the author observed that it was 
 all owing to the war. " No (said the manager) I 
 fear it is owing to the piece" 
 
 THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN. 
 
 A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill 
 of wine, which was brought him in a. glass. He 
 said it was the French custom to bring wine in a 
 measure. The waiter answered, " Sir, we wish for 
 no French measures here." 
 
 A CLERICAL PUN. 
 
 A person asked the minister of his parish what 
 was meant by " He, was clothed with curses as with 
 a garment.' 1 '' " My good friend (said the minister), 
 it means that he had got a habit of swearing" 
 
 A SELFISH PUN. 
 
 A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster- 
 shop as an appendage to his other establishment, 
 was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as 
 being ungenerous and selfish. "And why (said 
 he), would you not have me seU-fishT' 
 
 A GAMBLING PUN. 
 
 At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, 
 M. de C. found himself vis-a-vis at atabled'ecarte, 
 with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away 
 some days before. " This time at least," said M.
 
 AND PURPOSES. 173 
 
 de S. to whom the circumstance was related, " this 
 time, at least, he knew whom he had to deal with !" 
 
 A STAYMAKER'S PUN. 
 
 A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, 
 thus vented his miserable complaint : " Shame 
 that I should be without bread ; I that have stayed 
 the stomachs of thousands !"" 
 
 CLERICAL PUNS. 
 
 At a church in Ireland, where there was a po- 
 pular call for a minister, as it is termed, two can- 
 didates offered to preach, whose names were Adam 
 and Low. The latter preached in the morning, 
 and took for his text, " Adam^ where art thou ?" 
 He made a very excellent discourse, and the con- 
 gregation were much edified. In the afternoon 
 Mr. Adam preached upon these words, " Lo ! here 
 am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained 
 him the appointment. 
 
 HORNE TOOKE 1 S PEDIGREE. 
 
 Home Tooke having, in a political argument, 
 obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded 
 by saying, " his irritable friend looked as red with 
 vexation as a Turkey Cock" The other, thinking 
 to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this 
 sarcasm, observed " that he dared to sav Mr. Tooke
 
 174 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 
 
 had quite forgotten who his father was ?" " Oh ! 
 no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, " he was a 
 Turkey Merchant, (i. e. a Poulterer.)"" 
 
 A JOE MUNDEN. 
 
 It being told the comedian, during his stay at 
 Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand 
 pounds for Byam-House, Munden exclaimed, 
 " My wigs and eyes ! five thousand pounds to buy- 
 a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next ?" 
 
 PARISIAN PUNS. 
 
 1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a 
 fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other 
 respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his 
 paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and 
 clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of 
 treason. The result was, that, in order to save his 
 life, he gave up his possessions ; on which the wits 
 of Paris made this pun " 77 donnoit Sedan (ses 
 dents) pour sauver sa tete." 
 
 2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for 
 her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, 
 but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. 
 Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an 
 empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, 
 and placed herself in an attitude to display her
 
 AND PURPOSES. 175 
 
 figure to advantage ; but unluckily one of her feet 
 peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to 
 look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, " O le vilain 
 Pic-de-stal r 
 
 3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador 
 from the court of France to the Ottoman Porte, 
 was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to 
 the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial 
 being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of 
 that place. This gave occasion to the wits of 
 Paris to observe, that he was still " ambassadeur 
 a la Porte" 
 
 COMMERCIAL PUNS. 
 
 FROM " TRAVELLER'S HALL," " English Spy" 
 
 " I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. 
 Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a 
 London traveller to a timber merchant. " No, 
 sir," said the humourist, " it is not to be seen until 
 you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the 
 'wing is seldom discernible in such mahogany- 
 coloured wine as this." " Sir, I blush like rose- 
 wood at your impertinence." " Ay, sir, and you '11 
 soon be as red as logwood, or as black as ebony, if 
 you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. 
 " There is no being cross-grained with you," said
 
 176 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 
 
 the timber-merchant. " Not unless you cut me," 
 retorted Blackstrap, " and you are not sap enough 
 for that." " Gentlemen," continued the facetious 
 wine-merchant, " if we do not get a little fruit, I 
 shall think we have not met with our dessert- and 
 although there be some among us whose principals 
 are worth a, plum, there are very few of their repre- 
 sentatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections 
 to my reasons.'" 
 
 A COCKNEY & PUN. 
 
 , 
 
 A Londoner told his frienfl that he was going to 
 Margate for a change of 7*air ; " You had better," 
 said the other, " go to the wig-maker's shop? 
 
 AN IRISH PUN. 
 The two T ay men. 
 
 About the time of the issue of the new crown- 
 pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising 
 tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, 
 for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to 
 their credit, a reformation in the price and quality 
 of the " fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, 
 fond of a cup of " good mixed," thought, what 
 much more sensible people do, that the above 
 worthies were no less than patriots; but she even 
 went further; on being asked by a neighbour the
 
 AND PURPOSES. 177 
 
 ,. - 
 
 meaning round the edge of the coin of " Decus et 
 Tutamen," said she, " By the powers I suppose 
 Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are 
 the Two Taymen^ 
 
 A SPORTING PUN. 
 
 Managing the Pack. 
 
 A country gentleman, who was celebrated for 
 taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, 
 became so much reduced in circumstances by his 
 attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of 
 dealer at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews' s 
 Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, 
 " that he continued to follow his old predilection, 
 for he still managed the pack" 
 " BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE 
 
 BANKERS. 
 
 " In the city, while Currie was Raiking to- 
 gether his cash, Sir Jolm Lubbock Fostered his 
 Clarices; Sir William Kay knew his Price ; Rogers 
 felt Toogood to smash ; one house in Fleet-street 
 Praed to get through it ; and while another chuckled 
 like a Child, the Goslings were looking Sharp after 
 their concerns poor Hodsoll" added the dunce, 
 " was obliged to give up his Stirling capital} but 
 Stevenson knew his partner was worth his Salt ; 
 Dorien, Magens, and Dorien, got Mello with re- 
 joicing, and Jansen was never near being ( done 
 
 N
 
 178 PUNS FOB ALL PERSONS 
 
 Brown; 1 Paxton and Cockerell, according to culi- 
 nary custom, sent their Trail to take care of the 
 long-bills ; and though Fry might have been in a 
 Stew for a time, he (like the Smiths of Mansion 
 House-street) soon had his Payne removed. 
 
 "At the west end of the town, though Scott Claude 
 up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay 
 again ; Kinnaird said he could Ransom his credit 
 whenever he chose ; while the other house in Pall- 
 mall declared they had More-land than would settle 
 the claims of all their creditors ; and although Mar- 
 ten expected a Call on Arnold, they were equally 
 steady with the house of Cocks (^suet-Ridges) at 
 Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own 
 stability ; every body knows, said the wag, that 
 Green-wood never breaks, and as for Thomas's in 
 Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that 
 there, all was Wright.'''' 
 
 A HARROW PUN. 
 
 Receiving a youth back who has been expelled 
 for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be 
 severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of 
 healing the breech. 
 
 A SOLDIER'S PUN. 
 
 The peculiar new mode of 'drilling the soldiers 
 in St, James's Park, ought, from the variety of 
 their evolutions, to be termed quadrilling.
 
 AND PURPOSES. 179 
 
 A PROFESSIONAL PUN. 
 
 Speaking of professions, there must be somebody 
 in every way. ' c Ay," replied Taylor the flute 
 player, " and there is a great number of folks in 
 one another's way." 
 
 A MUSICAL PUN. 
 
 To make a competent double bass player, it re- 
 quires a head-piece, while a wind instrument per- 
 former wants only a mouth-piece (I. e. a reed). 
 
 A BREAD AND MEAT PUN. 
 
 A needy adventurer coming to London, who 
 was very thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he 
 only wanted to pick up a little bread among the 
 musical profession ; to which the joker replied, " If 
 you can pick up a little Jlesh at the same time, it 
 will not be amiss." 
 
 A PUN UPON MY HONOR ! 
 
 A person who was addicted to " pledge his honor' 
 upon all occasions, observed, on looking through 
 the window, " It rains, upon my honor" " Yes," 
 said Taylor, " and it will rain upon MY honor if 
 I go out." 
 
 CLASSICAL PUN. 
 
 " Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, 
 " why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to
 
 180 FUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 
 
 pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an 
 ancient lyric song ? Because it is An-acre-on-tick, 
 
 A WARM PUN. 
 
 " You are never witty," said a friend, " until you 
 are well warmed with wine" " That may be," re- 
 plied the punster : " but it is no reason, good sir, 
 that I am to be well-roasted? 
 
 THE. EXCISE-OFFICE V. THE STAMP-OFFICE. 
 
 Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre 
 
 . y 
 (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) 
 
 'happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing 
 out of time. Shaw, the leader, began to stamp 
 violently, and said, " Why don't you play in better 
 time, you member of the Excise Office ?" Upon 
 which Foster replied, " None of your jeers to 
 members of the Exc'se Office: you seem to be a 
 member of the Stamp Office yourself." 
 
 HARPING UPON A FIGURE. 
 
 A professional harpist (who was a very incom- 
 petent performer), one night at Drury Lane 
 Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the 
 head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight 
 guineas the cutting of it. Foster immediately ex- 
 claimed, " Sir, if I played upon the harp, I would 
 endeavour to cut a figure myself."
 
 AND PURPOSES. 181 
 
 029391 j'JOIJ'lll IK^'f. i. V9HOfn-9a&ffotUU 3 fit- /'.U . 
 A PUNSTER S REQUISITES FOR AN M. P. 
 
 " To get into the gallery of the House of 
 Commons," said a punster, " a man must have 
 the ribs of a rhinoceros ; to obtain a good place 
 in the body of the house, the qualities of a 
 cornelian ; to secure a seat on the treasury bench, 
 he must not fear to tread-a-wry. Opposition he 
 must write thus ' oppo'-site position ; ministerial, 
 men-ivho-steer-well. Private bills he may quote as 
 examples of private punishment ; the speaker's 
 dinners, a speechless banquet, where every guest 
 leaves politics for polite-tricks. To speak well and 
 long, you must display artificial feelings, have 
 leathern lungs, a face of brass, an elephant's saga- 
 city, and a lions courage ; and, with all these quali- 
 fications, you may perchance be considered bear- 
 able ; without them you are certain to come in for 
 
 a scrape*. 
 
 A PUNSTERS APHORISMS. 
 
 If you mean to be a domestic animal, never marry 
 
 ^flt /jrT(,<;: ^'ii.;'^ < . '-ill L 
 
 a woman of a wild disposition. An ugly helpmate, 
 though she may have the wealth of Plutus, and the 
 
 virtues of an angeL can never be considered as a 
 blui " .,raiaJa 
 
 * Alluding to the practice of the members scraping their 
 feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.
 
 182 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS, &C. 
 
 lovely wife. If you would live happily, always 
 whistle when your wife whines or scolds. If she 
 should grow furious, take yourself into the cool air, 
 without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes 
 himself to a storm is sure to get pelted. Never 
 offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or 
 indelicate expression : \hefairest mirror is stained 
 by a passing breath. Never marry a woman for 
 money, lest, obtaining the honey, you are stung by 
 the queen bee. Never lose an opportunity for 
 making a good pun, when you can do it consistent 
 with good nature, and without endangering the 
 esteem of good friends. A pun, to pass current, 
 should bear the stamp of wit, and be struck off in 
 the mint of originality. A genuine bad pun is not 
 always a bad joke. Late hours make lazy servants, 
 a loquacious wife, and end in making a long purse 
 light, a long illness heavy, and long life very un- 
 certain. 
 
 BEKNAUD BLACKMANTLE. 
 
 TARTANl's DREAM A TAIL PIECE. 
 
 BLACKMANTLE'S labours here, are done, 
 Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel ; 
 
 Approve each epigram and pun, 
 And BERNARB proves a merry devil.
 
 A 
 
 PUNNING ESSAY 
 
 ON THE 
 
 ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, 
 
 BY 
 
 THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK *;' 
 
 Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, 
 discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey. 
 
 A FRAGMENT. 
 
 WE observe in Homer's Batruchomyomachia, that the 
 instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse Pterno- 
 glt/phus, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield 
 and jumps into the lake : and this confirms our etymo- 
 logy of the mouse's name, Turn ugly face. 
 
 * This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered, 
 was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's ' Stranger in Ireland ;' and a 
 more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found 
 in the English language. The book is now out of print, and only 
 to be met with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to 
 suppose that the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his 
 work, much as I should have had to regret the loss of these articles 
 here, I certainly would not have taken them to do injury to their 
 own witty and original parent.
 
 184 I'DNNtNG ESSAY. 
 
 In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse 
 called Lichenor, which some, who, like certain commen- 
 tators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the 
 Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying one 
 addicted to licking, but here we see the imbecility of 
 foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. 
 Their explanation is certainly something near the 
 mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the 
 matter is ours Lick and gnaw ? It is true, that I 
 may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, 
 but even granting them the full latitude of understand- 
 ing by their words, as applied to our military mouse, 
 that he was one addicted to licking- or conquering-, yet 
 is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in 
 our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that 
 Lichenor was not so much " addicted to licking" as to 
 being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him 
 through the body with a rush. See 1. 202. 
 
 At v. 244, we have the mouse Sitophagus, who like 
 many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels 
 and betook himself to a snug dry ditch r^aro 8'sg 
 roKpov. I had always some suspicion that this name 
 was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the 
 foregoing circumstance has, fortunately for the literary 
 world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to 
 place the etymology of this coward's title beyond all 
 doubt : Set off" again his invariable custom on these 
 occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied 
 the art m'ditaire in Hudibras, where he learnt that 
 
 Timely niiiiiii'g't no main purl 
 
 Of conduct in the martial tut.
 
 PUNNING ESSAY. 185 
 
 Sitojthagus, from Set off again, is perfectly within 
 the canon of parce dctorta, which it may not be amiss 
 here to repeat : 
 
 " New words are allowable, if they descend," says 
 Horace, "from the English* spring, with a sparing 
 distortion." 
 
 I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through 
 the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle 
 of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must 
 be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are all 
 derived from one source. Such, however, as occur to 
 me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very 
 different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dis- 
 pelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of 
 truth. 
 
 Pallas. This word should be written thus 'Pallas, 
 with an apostrophe, as in the instance of 'fore for afore. 
 Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so 
 called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, 
 that had the power of killing or turning into stone, 
 which was indeed enough to Appal vs. 
 
 In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled 
 Stafford's Niobe, I find something like an attempt to 
 prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name of 
 Pallas from the Paleness she occasions in her followers. 
 The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverieis 
 paleness,'' which, if allowed to have any etymological 
 b'rbiJt3<8iTr/ir?i(i orjjnrwo ttjufh^Hj aftTCdbiifa ^aoiagooo 
 
 JfiiiJ Jjpii-ji oii I'Oiiv .- ii ?'Sj>MVttvv i> srft 
 
 * Anglo fonte cadant, parce detarta. 
 
 So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, 
 correcting the corruption (Grceco fonte) which has so long obtained) 
 lo the injury of truth and good letters.
 
 186 I'UNNING ESSAt. 
 
 4 
 
 bearing, will, from their date, at once deprive me of all 
 credit for originality in this department of philology. 
 The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point, 
 
 Venus, from wean us, as it is even now elegantly pro- 
 nounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that 
 power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, 
 namely, to itiean us from all other earthly things, and 
 hence the undoubted derivation. 
 
 'Hysfwux, or Egemon, with the Greeks, meant a ge- 
 neral, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar 
 phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the 
 office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to 
 egg ''em on. It will be observed, that I have sunk the 
 aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, 
 as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. 
 " Hi ham" for I am. 
 
 Macrones, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I 
 should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, 
 and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable 
 for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an 
 abbreviated pronunciation of Macaronies. 
 
 Celsus. This philosopher composed a treatise against 
 the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the 
 Christians, in a merry mood, said, he sells us, and from 
 that moment he bore his present name. 
 
 L. Mummius, a Roman consul, who acquired his cog- 
 nomen of mummius, or mummy us, from being sent 
 against the Achaeans, whom he beat most unmercifully. 
 
 Boreas, This wind was long without a name, until 
 the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly 
 troublesome, would be continually crying, " how they 
 bore K.V /" which in time gave rise to the word borea-s,
 
 PUNNINO KSSAY. 187 
 
 or as it was originally pronounced bore us. Here we 
 presently come at the etymology of the verb to bore, 
 which has hitherto baffled all research and made futile 
 every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the 
 Persian Boreus, and Borus the son of Perieres, had their 
 names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attri- 
 buted to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess 
 what they were, and are by no means willing to ven- 
 ture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is 
 worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these 
 gentlemen are mentioned by Polysenus and Apollodorus, 
 but without a word in the Stratagems of the one, or in 
 the Bibliotheca of the other, that throws any light on 
 the matter. 
 
 Philostratus. A famous sophist, and very liberal and 
 expensive in his entertainments, from which circum- 
 stance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen 
 ofjlll tis, treat us. The penultimate of Philostratus is 
 short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly 
 excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the 
 description of parce detorta. 
 
 Mannus. It is imagined that this divinity obtained 
 
 his name from having once undertaken to furnish some 
 
 Jlett with men ; but from being a German God, and for 
 
 other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in 
 
 this etymology. 
 
 JEsymnus. This anxious politician's consulting 
 Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legis- 
 lation, made the witlings of his time call the God his 
 nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim ease him nurse, 
 which speaks for itself. 
 
 Bacchus, or Back its; and admirably so called, be-
 
 188 
 
 PUNNING ESSAY. 
 
 cause he is found to be the second best in the world, in- 
 spiring courage even in a coward. 
 
 Confucius. About the etymology of the title of this 
 famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark ; 
 but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he ob- 
 tained it from being a philosopher of the modern de- 
 scription, who put every thing into confusion. 
 
 Damon. This poet received his name from a cir- 
 cumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. 
 When the sentence was brought to him, he began 
 d ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the offi- 
 cer, a rough fellow, said, " Oh, you may Damn on as 
 long as you like, it does nut signify, you must go." 
 And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who 
 are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observa- 
 tions repeated, nicknamed him Damon, or as it was for- 
 merly written and spoken, Dammon. 
 
 Alula. The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. 
 Athen. So called because the moment she took the 
 field on any side, that side had the battle all hollow. 
 
 sEsacus. He persecuted a nymph so much who did 
 not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and 
 was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still 
 continued to exclaim, as she was wont, he's a curse, 
 which soon became the lover's appellation. 
 
 3111 
 
 Titans. A title given to the sons of Crelus and 
 Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. 
 They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c. ; 
 but when the god heard that they were about to fight 
 with him, he smiled, and cried, " Ay, ay, ecod they're 
 tig/it 'un.'i !" and this name has distinguished them 
 ever since.
 
 PUNNING ESSAY. 189 
 
 The above word reminds me of an eastern one f 
 or Abaddon, which will as indubitably as a thousand 
 instances of the like nature, prove the superior antiquity 
 of the English language over that of the Jews, as well 
 as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, in an 
 equal degree, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon 
 is a name belonging to the devil, and the most ignorant 
 will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its 
 expressive etymology in A bad 'un, 
 
 In fine sunt certi denique jlnes There have been 
 writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war 
 "& local habitation and a name ;" others go still fur- 
 ther, and say that no such man as Homer, the author 
 of the Iliad, ever existed ; and a third party, proceeding 
 another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there 
 never -were any ancients. But one wise man (with whom 
 I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those 
 who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of 
 the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who 
 live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of 
 past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the 
 just and legitimate ancients. This, being reasonably 
 substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm 
 the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native 
 tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the 
 irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have 
 no more doubt than I have with respect to any thing 
 yet stated, that it will ultimately prove to be the MI*. 
 
 usrital language. 
 
 i ,:, v<soj. i, !' <*aJ nsnw.iBd, 
 
 n s 9rit ixx^-^-.v.* (A ** t lK>tr.i hsifc .boitiiio 91! v
 
 OR 
 
 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS. 
 A FRAGMENT. 
 
 " Comitantibus armis, 
 PUNica se attollet gloria." Virg. JEn. iv. 
 
 PREFATORY remarks on the art of punning its an- 
 tiquity from Homer's outis, through Sophocles, Cicero, 
 &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. 
 Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it a 
 lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. 
 Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, 
 nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well- 
 known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, 
 &c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruc- 
 tion of three-quarters of what are called the wits of our 
 times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers. 
 
 Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, 
 a man might as well go into a gambling house without 
 knowing how to play, as into company without knowing 
 how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are 
 necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what 
 Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, 
 be said of me, with regard to punning " Magister 
 crat."
 
 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 191 
 
 In the rules divide thus puns for every day, in one 
 week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, 
 in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, 
 varied according to the class of life, and the rank held 
 in the particular establishment, &c. &e. 
 
 MASTER OF A FAMILY. 
 
 First day Sketch to be jilted up. 
 
 Sunday. This is a day of rest for all things but 
 women's tongues and puns they have none. You go 
 to church, of course, to set a good example to your fa- 
 mily, but let them attend to the parson, you may be 
 preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a 
 party. 
 
 The man of the house is nothing without his wife. 
 It is becoming that she should assist you she is your 
 help-mate. Connive together, and let her put leading 
 questions. Half an hour before dinner company come. 
 
 All very stupid as usual. Mrs. observes, that she 
 
 fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was 
 obliged to take Adam, the footman, to the park, on ac- 
 count of the children. The husband immediately re- 
 marks, that Adam may be the jirst of men, but he is a 
 damn slow fellow. 
 
 Mrs. . My dear Tom, you deserve a Cane for 
 
 that. 
 
 Mr. . Ay, if you were Able to give it to me, 
 
 who am a host to-day. Perhaps you were on the Eve 
 of saying this ; well, there 's as much chance in these 
 things as in a Pair o' dice. 
 
 (A general laugh.)
 
 192 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 
 
 Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I 
 don't know that any thing more can be made of it. 
 
 N. B. Hire no man unless his name is Adam, or he 
 will suffer you to call him so. 
 
 Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and 
 Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the 
 father. Call your daughter, Lucy, because, if you are 
 a profound scholar, you can frequently bring in " luce 
 clarior." Your other girl, Sally, ran away with an 
 apothecary. Mrs. will say this, and you '11 ex- 
 claim, " Ah, SAL volatile !" 
 
 Invite a poor French priest* to your table at these 
 times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, 
 " Est ce quits sont tous par la meme mere ?" 
 
 When you are to reply " Yes, I believe they are all 
 by the same mare, but I won't answer for the horse t." 
 
 This is not very complimentary to your wife ; but it 
 would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be 
 lost for such a trifling consideration. 
 
 If you consult decency too much, there 's an end of 
 wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over 
 squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. may say, ' ' My 
 dear Tom, I wish the man would bring up the dinner." 
 
 Mr. . " Bring up the dinner, my love ? Heaven 
 
 forbid ! As Dido says, that 's ' sic sic,' so so J ." 
 
 * The word Emigre, which appears in this article as before printed, 
 would at once destroy the unquestionable right Swift has to the honour 
 of this MS. for Emigre did not obtain in our language till long 
 after his death. 
 
 f This has been given to Foote ; but dates decide. 
 
 \ JEa. iv. 650.
 
 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 193 
 
 You must not be too nice, as I observed before. 
 
 (Mrs. rings the bell.) 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Mrs. . Is dinner ready ? 
 
 Mr. (Looking- round.) The chops are, I'm sure. 
 Adam. It is dishing now, ma'am. 
 
 (A crash, heard as if an accident.) 
 Mr. Dishing indeed I fear it's dished. 
 
 Dinner all seated. 
 
 Mrs. . Will any body take soup ? 
 
 Mr. . What, before grace, you graceless rogues. 
 
 There 's no parson here, I see, though we are 'not with- 
 out some of the cloth. Well, I'll say it grace at 
 dinner is meet. 
 
 [[A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder 
 of good-humour.] 
 
 Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table 
 empty. 
 
 Mr. . Why what the devil 's this no salt ! 
 
 Mrs. . (As planned.) You have salt enough, 
 
 I 'm sure, my dear. 
 
 Mr. . " Ego ^wwior ipse^' Ovid. Very well, 
 
 very well ! my wife is not amiss: but the salt, Adam. 
 
 Adam. Sir, the house-keeper 's gone out, and I don 't 
 know where to get any. ' 
 
 Mr. . Why an 't here four salt' SELLERS ? 
 
 [The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is 
 to laugh heartily nevertheless.] 
 
 O J J 
 
 Mrs. . Here, Adam ; take this key, and you'll 
 
 find some in the store-room, at the top of the house. 
 Mr. i . Attic salt, eh ! ha, ha, ha ! Well, come
 
 194 EVEEY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER 
 
 let 's fall to ; this meat will keep no longer without 
 salt. 
 
 Mrs. . My dear Tom, that rich dish will only 
 give you the gout. 
 
 Mr. -. Pooh ! " Chacun a son gout." Why 
 
 should not I eat it, as well as another ? 
 
 Mrs. Bless me, how you mangle that duck. 
 
 Mr. . Mangle it, my love. Well, I think that 's 
 
 better than to wash and iron it ; but tell me how you '11 
 have it done, and you shall find me ductile. 
 
 [Many opportunities will offer of making obscene puns, 
 but I give no rules for these ;. they come naturally to 
 every punster ! All I shall say is, that they must never 
 
 be neglected.] 
 
 , * ^ * 
 
 Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your 
 ,.,,, , , . . - 
 
 little boys must inquire for some. 
 
 Mr. -. My dear, this is Sunday; you know we 
 
 can 't have pancakes till jPrz-day. 
 
 [Many more puns must be introduced. Champaign, 
 real pain ; after all cheese is best, &cQ 
 
 The company will, probably, add some, and you may, 
 also, by accident 3 however, you '11 have this advantage 
 over your friends, that you '11 be certain of all these 
 while you 're with your wife, and at home. Your ac- 
 quaintance, of course, have names, and if they have no 
 other merit, it 's very hard if you can 't make something 
 of them in the pun way. Any blockhead can do that. 
 
 DESSERT. 
 
 Mr.-e . " Give ever,y man his deserts" Shakspeare. 
 Mrs. . I. . My love,, shall I send you a peach ?
 
 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 195 
 
 Mr. . Yes, and if it isn't a good one, 1 11 itt- 
 
 peach your judgment. 
 
 By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer 
 you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he 's sorry it is 
 not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. 
 You then reply Ay, I see it 's one of the &W-BEENS. 
 
 Mrs. . Oh ! that 's too bad. 
 
 Mr. . Why, it 's wit at a pinch, at any rate ; 
 
 therefore it need not make you bate- I, as if I had got 
 into the wrong box. (Turning to the boys.)~ What 's 
 Latin for goose, eh ! 
 
 Boys. Brandy, papa! 
 
 Mrs. . You '11 kill yourself with that vile liquor. 
 
 Mr. . How can that be Isn 't it eau de vie ? 
 
 Mrs. , at some time, must call for the nutmeg 
 
 grater. You take it, and address your neighbour : Sir, 
 you are a great man, but here is a grater. 
 
 The sweetmeats will be praised of course. 
 
 Mr. ' . . All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable 
 woman, I assure you ; but I 'm more not able than she 
 is, an 't I, my dear ? 
 
 Ladies all rise. 
 
 Mrs. . (Blushing.) I can take a hint. My 
 
 dear, pray touch the bell. 
 
 Mr. . (Chucking- a young lady under the chin.) 
 
 Yes, my love, I '11 touch the belle. 
 
 Mrs. . ( Going.) You wag ! 
 
 Mr. . No, I think you ivag, but (bffvoing) I 
 
 bow to you. 
 
 The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. 
 They will all have recourse to their mother tongue, and
 
 196 EVEEY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTEE. 
 
 the most ignorant will shine the most. The master 
 must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make 
 himself agreeable, and the conversation general *. 
 
 THE TEA TABLE. 
 
 Mr. . (Entering after all the rest.) Ah ! Mrs. 
 
 , what I see you are at home to a T to-night. 
 
 Boys. Pa, we have had no tea. 
 
 Mr. . " Sine te juventas." That's wrong. It 
 
 is right that you should not be left out. 
 
 Mrs. purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, 
 without sugar, of which she complains. 
 
 Mr . (Handing the sugar basin.) Well, ma'am, 
 
 if you do not like it, you may lump it. 
 
 [TYIiss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in 
 her first attempt.] 
 
 Mrs. ~ (As planned.) That comes of playing at 
 
 sight. 
 
 Mr. . At sight! Why what the deuce would 
 
 come if she was to shut her eyes ? 
 
 If any thing like serious or sensible conversation 
 should be introduced, and there's no knowing what 
 some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once 
 
 * Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' 
 retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary. Swift could not help 
 indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of 
 the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a 
 query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the 
 puns for & farmer. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him 
 Pray send me men to mow rye ? and he is to return a skulL 
 Memento mori Don't you see ? But query will mowing rye do 
 for any but our Irish farmers ?
 
 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 197 
 
 with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the 
 Pun-iv war, and say that in your battles you are with 
 Livy " Punctim magis quam coesim peto hostem." 
 If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and 
 say you expect soon to have a son in arms, &c. Should 
 he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is 
 greater, the DOLPHIN of France or the Prince of 
 WALES? solving the question immediately with Ju- 
 venal's 
 
 " Delphinig Baloena JSritannica major." 
 Than DOLPHINS greater is the BRITISH WHALE. 
 
 Now something about going into .Bedfordshire and 
 the land of Nod will wind up what is commonly called 
 a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. 
 I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add any 
 practical jokes, which lead to puns, and fall at all short 
 of murder, the treat will be improved. 
 
 Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did 
 not know there was any harm. Break his shin that 's 
 leg-al. Pull away his chair * when he is sitting down 
 you 've good ground for it. Run your head against his 
 two heads are better than one. Overturn the milk- 
 
 * Memorandum. This joke is recommended, by the surgeons, for 
 all seasons ; but, in my system, better arranged, it will be proper to 
 distinguish. In the winter, when the carpet's down, you are glad to 
 bring that affair on the tapis. In the spring, the earth begins to 
 tear every thing. In the summer, it's " summum jus," because it's 
 " summa injuria," and the carpet being up, you give him board with 
 a deal of pleasure, that's plain : and in the autumn, you allude to 
 Ihefall. Besides, what does he do in a chair all flesh is grass 
 hay!
 
 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 
 
 jug on him then he 's in the milky taay. So with the 
 urn then he 's in hot water. When he hops about, say 
 he seems in a /arwe-ntable way. Let the boys knock the 
 candle into some lady's lap this you may call a ivick-ed 
 thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such ami- 
 able pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a com- 
 manding majority in every assembly in the country), 
 will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your 
 ingenuity. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 
 Dedication to the King . . i 
 
 A Word to the Witty and' the Wise V^J . , . . ... . iii 
 
 Description of Frontispiece . vii 
 
 Prolegomena on Funning ...... 1 
 
 Origin of Punning ''- '* . . . 1-0 
 
 Art of Punning, by Swift and Sheridan . . .. . 23 
 
 Satire on Sheridan, by Dr. Tisdal . .. . .- .- 68 
 
 Djing Speech of Tom Ashe ^ . 7S 
 
 A Pestilent Neighbour . 77 
 
 Punning Epistle on Money . ...-..'. J8 
 
 God's Revenge against Punning, by Dr. Arbuthnot . . Jd 
 
 The Birth of a Pun ....-..>.. 84 
 
 Antiquity of Puns .... . .- . .- .- 85 
 
 Punning on Surnames . 86 
 
 Punning run mad 90 
 
 Bashful on Punning *>.*'/, * 98 r 
 
 Bxamples in Punning fff' 
 
 W.R. Vana .. .'. . 126 
 
 Norhuryana . .... . . .c .. 129 
 
 Funning' Epigrams . 143 
 
 The Punster's Court 165 
 
 Puns for all Purposes 166 
 
 A Punning Essay 183 
 
 Every Man his own Punster 190
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS, 
 
 Page 
 
 1. Vignette to Title The Punster's Court. 
 
 2. The Dance of Wit . . . . . . . T 
 
 3. Squibs and Crackers, a 5th of November scene . . 1 
 
 4. The Androgynes, or Jove's Pun .... 19 
 
 5. The Art of Punning 23 
 
 6. The Lord's Humbassador 63 
 
 7. The Dancing Punster -70 
 
 8. The Birth of a Pun 84 
 
 9. The Bashful Punster . . ... .' . 93 
 
 10. The Magic of Punning 96 
 
 11. The Punster's Bowl 97 
 
 12. Lord Norbury and Court 129 
 
 13. The Sporting Punsters 143 
 
 14. Death of Poor Carlo . 164 
 
 16. Gunpowder Wit . . . . . . .166 
 
 16. Tartani's Dream 182 
 
 With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work.
 
 yeuo 
 
 BTUJOJI]