ilifornia 
 ional 
 
 :ij4-,.
 
 UNIVERSITY of CALIFORNIA 
 
 AT 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 LIBRARY
 
 HAIR POWDER; 
 
 A 
 
 PLAINTIVE EPISTLE 
 
 T O 
 
 Mr. PITT, 
 
 By PErER^ PINDAR, Esq, 
 
 Yet, if refolvM to worry TFigs and Hair, 
 And, Herod-like, not little Children {^zxti 
 Say, (for methinks the Land has much to dread) 
 How long in fafety may we wear the Head? 
 
 TO WHICH IS ADDED (wiTH CONSIDERABLE AUGMENTATION), 
 
 FROGMORE FETE, 
 
 AN ODE FOR MUSIC, 
 
 FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL, 
 
 VULGARLY CALLED ALL FOOLS DAT. 
 
 " — — Trahit fua qiiemque Voluptas,^^ 
 
 " In various things (fays Virgil) folks delight j*' 
 And fo it really is in our great Nation ! 
 
 In meannefs, avarice, y^w^ — revenge and fpite, 
 Dutch Fairs, mock-charities, and oftentation. 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR J.WALKER, PATERNOSTER-ROW; J. BELL, OJFORD-STREET J 
 J. LADLEY, MOUNT-STREET, EERKELEY-SCVUaRE; AND 
 E. JEFFREY, PALL-MALL, 
 
 M. DCC. XCV. 
 
 [Pr;V(f Ti-co Shillings and Si^:*ience,'\ 
 f> <*^ <f> -r% r>
 
 CHAPTER OF CONTENTS. 
 
 A' fuhlime Exordium J containing a great compliment to Mr, Pitt — The 
 Poet fagely advifeth the Minister — obferveth to him the effedi of 
 Time on the heads of Beaux and Old Maids — The hard fate of poor 
 carroty-polled Phillis — Lubin'j- and Hodge'j difappoifitmenty by 
 means of this cruel Tax — A great and ^economical Judge'j mor" 
 t if cation ; and exultation of his fur- clad Brother at the tax ou 
 hair -powder — A melancholy pidfure of the Hair-dressers and 
 Barbers — The PoetV eye fas Shakefpear fayeth J , ** in a fine frenzy 
 rolling," beholdeth the chafe of a powdered Poll -, the capture -, the re- 
 demption ; and puni/Jjment of the Informers /« London — afo Poll- 
 chafes in the country y illuf rated by an apt (imile — Peter exclaimeth at 
 the Minister, and compareth him to a bard-hearted Fellow that 
 lived upon executions — Peter praifeth Mr. Pitt'j powers of 
 oratory — He attacketh the pride of the Minister ; wiJJjing him to 
 take a little retrofpeSi of humble days — A Kite and beautiful Bat^ 
 comparifon — Another charming comparifon of the Boy and his Trunk, 
 — Peter telleth firange and unbelievable things, and give th two moji 
 gracious fpeeches — ^zter pra'feth the twofpeechesy and giveth alarming 
 advice — He exhibiteth a part of his political creed — Peter fieweth 
 his profound knowledge ^ Emperors ^W Kings ^?;;^ Queens, &c. 
 and maketh JJorewd obfervations thereon ; concluding with a compliment 
 to Mr. Fox — Peter prayeth fervently for the Royal Family — The 
 Poet fujpecleth the effeB of the Minister's eloquence — Peter 
 prayeth to Mr, Pitt — England wittily and properly chrijiened an 
 old Cow; alfo America — The Poet afketh a pertinent queftio7i 
 relative to royal exemption from the tax, and admiriifereth laudable 
 counfel — Petsr gravely and ingenioufy point eth out a tax on 
 
 Christian
 
 Christian Skins; alfo fome (not all indeed) of the great advan- 
 tages of human hides in the way of trade — Tihe convertible ufe of 
 Mr. Justice Bullek's tender hide ^ of the Duke of Glocesteh's ; 
 of the Duchess o/" Cumber l an d'j^ ; of Lord Brudenell'j 
 (the Lord help him!) ; of the Duke of Ricumoi^d's, &c. &c, — The 
 Poet ajketh inihere the Powder-tax ivas born, and, like a certain 
 Great Man, anfwereth the qiieftion himfelf. — The Poet telleth the 
 Minister aforrowful tale — Afinki?igy yet beautiful (imile — Pe te R 
 prophefeth — Serious and good advice to Mr, Pitt — Political and deep 
 refledlions — Peter feeth a vifion full of horror — He affcBeth a fmile, 
 hut it feemeth to be rather the rifus fardonicus — Peter counfelleth 
 (butt he thinketh, in vain) the Minister a?jd his Colleague 
 Harry Dundas/(? run the gantlet — The Conclufion^
 
 PLAINTIVE EPISTLE, ^c. 
 
 \J Mighty Matter of the ways and means 
 , To flake the golden thirft of Kings and Queens ; 
 To gorge the cavern of each greedy chefl: 
 With all the wonders of the bleeding Eaft; 
 To lull with opiate draughts a Kingdom's groans*^ r^ 
 
 Patch ragged crowns, and cobble crazy thrones ; 
 The modeft Bard, for five fliort minutes, bear ; 
 Nor may the Muse's wifdom wound thine ear. 
 
 B Sick
 
 C « J 
 
 Sick of thy taxes,, while the v/earied Nation 
 Drags her laft penny forth, and iz2x.% Jlarvation ; lo 
 
 Whofe voice is loud, and daily waxing louder \ 
 Lift tO'the ferious found, and damn the Powder*^ 
 To thesy refponfible for ev'ry blunder. 
 Her mildefi murmurs fhould be claps of thundei- 
 
 Pleas'd with thy fav'rite folly, mark old Time,, 15 
 
 Wide-grinning at the Beau beyond his prime 5; 
 And many a Maid, beyond life's blooming day, 
 Whofe curls his wonted malice turn'd to gray I 
 
 ^ Lo, the poor Girl, whom carrot-colour fliocks. 
 Pines penriylels, and blufhes for her locks ! 20 
 
 Refus'd to fly to Powder's friendly aid. 
 She bid$ them feek in caps the fecret fliade^ 
 
 No
 
 I 3 ) 
 
 No ringlets now around her neck to wave^ 
 
 Philus mull hide the redd'ning fhame, or fiiave L 
 
 At ^iee fb€ flings her curfes, Pitt^ and aies— 25 
 
 At ^/jee £he darts the lightnings of her eyes ; 
 
 And thinks that Love ne'er warm'd Him: who could veX;^ 
 
 With v.- an ton ftrokes of cruelty^ die Sex* 
 
 On Sundays trim, to give his head an aiVj 
 Poor LuBiN fhook the dredge-box o'er his hair^ 30 
 
 Hodge dipped his caxon 'mid the faek of flour i 
 But now they execrate the arm of pov/'r j 
 LuBiN no longer dares the dredge-box fliake^ 
 Nor Hodge to fliove his caxon in the fkck> 
 
 Yet fee a nohler Mourner ! K , lo F 35 
 
 The faving Judge has felt a fliunning blow r. 
 
 Bi 
 
 rs.
 
 C 4 ] 
 His hawk-economy won't thank thee for't, 
 Which flops his pretty nipperkin of Port. 
 Not fo Judge Blood, who glories in deceit ; 
 His life one murder, and his foul a cheat — 40 
 
 He loves a law, and hugs the man who made.it, 
 To hang a culprit, and himfelf evade it. 
 
 See groups of HaiPv-dresshrs all idle ftand, 
 A melancholy, niute, and mournful band ; 
 And Barbers eke^ v/ho lift the crape-clad Pole, 45 
 
 And round and round their eye* of horror roll ; 
 Pefponding, pale, like Hosier's ghofts fo white, 
 Who told their for rows 'mid the moony light. 
 
 Verfe 38. Nipperkin of Port.'] Such is the laudable moderation of this 
 fecond Sir John Cutler, or Mr. Elwes, that he allows himfelf and Lady at 
 and after dinner no more than this little mcafure of wine ! A fine example for 
 the fons of difTipation ! It has been fuppofed that the economical Judge has 
 furpafled the famous miracle of the loaves and filhes, by making one bottle 
 of wine ferve for double the number of fouls, or rather bodies^ that have come 
 with open mouths to Lincoln's-Inn-Fields. I do not think they have gone 
 av/ay/o zvclljalisfed. 
 
 But
 
 [ 5 ] 
 But fee! each hopelefs wight with fury foams ; 
 His curling-iron bi-eaks, and fnaps his combs ; 50 
 
 Ah ! doom'd to fliut their mouths as well as fhops ; ' 
 For dead is cuftom,. 'mid the world of Crops.. 
 
 In fancy now I mark the frequent race ; 
 1 fee th' Inpormer polls of pow^der chafe ! 
 On this, on that, a Footman, Maid of mop,. 55 
 
 Fierce as the tiger from liis ambuili, pop ; 
 Now in hi5 cruel clutches, fharp and ftrong, 
 To Bow-ftreet drag his powder'd prey along : 
 And now I fee the Mor., in Mercy's caufe, 
 Hedeem the vidlim from his favage paws y 60 
 
 Verfe 52. PForld'af Cropsi] Such is the univerfal difguft at the Powder-tax, 
 that many thdufands of the male fex have already facrificed their favourite curls, 
 to difappoint.the rapacity of a Minister. 
 
 G. And
 
 [ 6 ] 
 
 And now the tyrant to a horfe-pond draw. 
 
 To qviench the red-hot thunderbolt of law. 
 
 Amidft our villages, in Fancy's eye, 
 
 I fee Informers chafe, and culprits fly — 
 
 Rude Pikes fo hungry, putting to the rout, 65 
 
 Voracious darting, a poor hofl: of Trout. 
 
 Who would not hide the temple's white and gray ? 
 
 ^' Your money. Sirs — remove the mafk, or pay,'* ' 
 
 Is now thy language to a groaning nation ! 
 
 Pitt, Pitt, thou haft no bowels of compafTion. 70 
 
 How mean (for money fuch thy boundlefs rage) 
 
 Thus to expofe the cruel pow'r of Age 1 
 
 Much like the Man art thou, and hard as he, 
 
 Who let his fcaffold out at Tyburn tree ; 
 
 Where, as the great and famous Doctor Dodd 75 
 
 Gave by a rope his finful foul to God, 
 
 Thus
 
 [ 7 ] 
 
 Thus on his boards aloft, amid the crowd, 
 
 Th' unfeeling wretch of wretches bawlM aloud, 
 
 (So anxious people's pockets to be picking) 79 
 
 *' Up, up — who mounts here ? — all alivcy and kicking*'^ 
 
 I grant thine eloquence's happy flow ; 
 But Truth fhould bear it company, I trow — 
 Hypocrisy, the knave, to keep his place, 
 Too often borrows Virtue's honeft face, 
 
 I know thy pride vaults high — but what of that ? 85 
 The tow'ring column often rais'd a rat. 
 Though tofs'd aloft by ftone-blind Fortune's pow'r. 
 Awake thy mem'ry to thy humhUr hour : 
 Though nov) a Kite — ah ! ojice a Bat^ how fmall I 
 Flick'ring around for flics in yonder Hall ! 90' 
 
 Verfe 90. In yonder Hall. "l Weflminfter-Hall. 
 
 But,
 
 [ 8 ] 
 But, drunk with honours, " No," thou cryeft, " no i 
 *' I thank thee, but I cannot look fo low."- 
 Thus a poor Country Boy to India goes ; 
 A fmall portmanteau all the wealth he knows ; 
 Arrives, with awkward legs and arms and mien , g^ 
 
 But, ere a twelvemonth pafs, how changed the fcene I 
 He mounts his elephant, treats, wh— s, gets drunk:^ 
 And, ah ! forgets his friend the Ikile TrunL 
 
 Know, man, no more of taxes now we want ; 
 
 Lo, generous M y prepar'd to grant. roo 
 
 Hark to a voice divjne /— *^ Pitt, Pitt, hae, Pitt ; 
 
 " No more, no more for taxes whet thy wit ; 
 
 *' ril pay, ril pay the foldier, and the tar—. 
 
 '^ My millions, Pitt, fhall pay the glorious war; 104 
 
 ** I'll give fheep, lamb, ram, turkey, duck, boar, fow, 
 
 ** Goofe, gofling, cock, hen, heifer, bull, calf, cow ; 
 
 4 And
 
 C 9 ] 
 
 ^VAnd, Pitt, has, hx ? at Smithfield, Pitt, IJhme^ 
 
 ^^ Mine's the beft beef — yes, mine — what, what ? — yes^ 
 mine : 
 
 " I'll empty ev'ry gulnea-cheft, and fack ; 
 
 '' Yes, yes, the people ought to have it back: no 
 
 " My money in the flocks, my wood, my hay ; 
 
 " Yes, yes, I'll give my all, my all away ;. 
 
 Verfe ii i. My wood.'] Here I muft candidly condemn a part ofthe people^ 
 whofe caufe, in the affair of Hair-powder, I am fo padietically pleading. 
 ** Such (fays the Windfor Chronicle) was the unparalleled effrontery of the 
 inhabitants of Brentford, during the late unexampled frofl, when they fhould 
 have thought of nothing but dyingj that thofe very people, not worth a 
 groat, flarving, fhivering, and in rags, dared to proceed in a body, amidft the 
 dead filence of the night, with their unhallowed fe^t, into the facred Gardens 
 of Richmond and Kew ; where they wickedly, inhumanly, and felonioufly, 
 cut down and maimed a number of trees, many of which they had the impu- 
 dence to carry away to their own fcrub chimnies, to warm their own vile 
 bones, becaufe, forfooth, certain Great People happened fortunately to be in 
 "^oQ^it^ion oi enormous qua7itities oi '^ood J during the great fcarcity, and chofe 
 not to give it away in idle charity , nor Jell it at the the?: current price, which 
 had every probability of mounting higher : as though they had not an equal 
 right to turn a penny in an honefi way^ with any coal-jhed man in the village of 
 Brentford. But behold how they behaved on this infulting, provoking, 
 ftealing, and trying occafion ! So far from advertifing handfome rewards for 
 difcovering the rogues, and bringing them tojuftice j fuch was their clemency, 
 that - they ordered the affair to be hufhed up, and buried in perpetual 
 oblivion ! 1 1'* 
 
 D "-' Yes,
 
 [ 10 ] 
 
 ** Yes, yes, I know, I know the hounds are howling— 
 " God, Pitt, I don't, I don't much like their growling : 
 ^^ Hae, hxy growl, growl — what, what? things don't go right ; 
 *' Why quickly, quickly, Pitt, the dogs may il^e — ii6 
 '^ That would be bad, bad, bad, — a fad mifhap — 
 *' HXi Pitt — hx, has ? I fhould not like 3,f;mp,** 
 
 Such are the founds to ftun thofe ears of thine, 
 Where truth and fpeed and oratory fliine. 120 
 
 And hark, another voice ! and thus it cries : 
 *' I geef my chewells to de peepel's fighs— 
 ** All tings from Mistress Hastings as I gote; 
 *' I geef de fine pig diamond of Arcote ; 
 
 Verfe 124. Diamond of Arcote.'] The famous Diamond, fo i^famaujly 
 •obtained by Mr. R. j conflituting a curious piece of Afiatic hiftory. 
 
 " Ifs,
 
 [ " ] 
 
 " Ifs, dat vich Rhumblod geef, Igeef again, 125 
 
 ** Rader den fee de peepels fuffer pain : 
 
 " De Emp'ror prefents. Lord ! I vil not tufli, 
 
 '^ Although de duty cofs fo very mufli. 
 
 *' I turn off Mister Wyat,* dat I fal ; 
 
 ^' And geef up Frogmore — Ifs, I geef up all ; 130 
 
 " Geef up mine di'mond ftomacher indeed ; 
 
 *^ All, all, mufti rader dan de peepels bleed : 
 
 " Ifs, ifs, I geef up all, fhuft like de K — , 
 
 <* For bankrup nation be quite deflifli ting* 
 
 Verfe 128. Dufy cojs Jo very mu/hj] I am really afraid to touch upon this 
 ticklifh topic. The late procefTion of imperial prefents from the India-Houfe 
 
 to was attended by a dirty Cuftom-houfe-ofEcer ; but for what 
 
 nqfm, the L — of the T can beft explain. It has been rumoured, and 
 
 believed, that a fmall order from a certain quarter can overpower an Afl of 
 Parliament ; which, if true, maketh a fecond edition of little David knocking 
 down the great Giant of Gatht 
 
 * The Archite<5V. 
 
 ^' Vat
 
 [ 12 1 
 
 <« Vat fignifie de millions In our purfes, 135 
 
 ^^ If .money do profoke de peepels curfes? 
 
 *^ We won't haf tumult — no fufli tirig mufs fpread— 
 
 '* Mine Gote ! half loaf h^ better dan 7io bread, 
 
 " Peety to make de Englis peepels groan ; 
 
 ^' So goote as poote de Prences 'pon de tronc ; 14© 
 
 " Who foon, mine Gote I may take it in der brain, 
 
 ^' Vat dey poote upy dey may pull down again*" 
 
 What founds of wifdom, Pitt, to make thee fhrink ! 
 Beware I — thou ftand'ft on Danger's giddy brink : 
 
 VeiTei35. Vat fig7nfe de millions.'] Notwithftanding her M 's immenfe 
 
 property, in one thing and another , fhe pofTefiTes the moft economical circum- 
 fpe<5lion : witnefs the following pretty tale. A Mifs J-n-r, of Gloucefterfhire, 
 with her mother, viewing the Palace of St. James's, and entering her 
 
 M 's drefTing-room, where a curtiion /«// of pins lay on her toilette, the 
 
 young Lady expreffed a ftrong defire for having one of the ^---s fins to carry 
 into the country, and was reaching out her hand to take one ; when the 
 Attendant, (Iruck with a fudden horror, caught her arm, and told- her it was 
 
 impofllble to be granted, as her M would certainly fnd it out. — " D'ye 
 
 think I might change a pin ?" fighed the young Lady; with anxiety. " Mifs," 
 
 replied the Attendant, after fom»c confideration, " it is probabls her M 
 
 may not find it out, but I'll run the rirU." 
 
 Know,
 
 [ '3 ] 
 
 Know, that a fingle grain, or half grain more, 145 
 
 May turn the balance, man, and heave thee o'er : 
 
 And fliouldft thou tumble down the rock of Fate, 
 
 No/eas of tears fhall wail thy fliorten'd date. 
 
 Go, copy the good Pair whom all adore^ , 
 
 Who fpurn the Proud, and hug the humble Poor. 150 
 
 Though from my foul I hate mad Diffipation, 
 That beggars and infults a generous Nation ; 
 Too from my foul the Avarice I hate, 
 That, thirfty, fqueezes like a fpunge the State : 
 Wifhing from trees (fo keen the gold it grapples) 155 
 To fliake down guineas, juft like pears and apples. 
 Think not I court a Tumult's lawlefs hour. 
 And wifli a Mob\ wild^arm the fword of pow'r : 
 
 Vcrfe 150. Who/^urn the Proud.'] Parcere fubjedis ct debellare fuperbos. 
 
 E No!
 
 [ 14 3 
 
 No! let a Titus, let an Alfred rule ; 
 
 Who fighs not for a King, I deem a fool. i6o 
 
 Like thofe were Europe's Monarchs ! in thy ear, 
 
 What from a people hadyJ^cZ* Forms to fear ? 
 
 Safe 'mid the ardour of a realm's embrace. 
 
 Kings never fall but by their own difgrace. 
 
 I murmur not at Kings, if good for aught ; 165 
 
 I only quarrel when they're good for 7ioughi» 
 
 'Tis whifper'd that I never reverenc'd Thrones : 
 Granted — I never woxQiiTp Jlocks nor Jl ones ; 
 
 Nor look I for wife Emperors, or Kings — 
 
 'Tis Expectation's madnefs— Quixote things. 170 
 
 The man to titles, and to riches born, 
 
 Amid the world of fcience, how forlorn \ 
 
 To fpeak, to think, unable, mark his air I 
 
 Heav'ns ! what an idcot gape, and ideot flare ! 
 
 3 Though
 
 [ 15 ] 
 
 Though lord oi millions y gilt with titles o'er— 175 
 
 A ftatue in a library I — no more I 
 
 He deems the butterflies of Folly, treafure ; 
 
 And fhuns chafte Wisdom, for the ftrumpet Pleasure. 
 
 'Tis true, gay Pleasure courts us to the joy. 
 
 While Wisdom to her fvvains is always coy. 180 
 
 The brain muft labour^ or it proves the fport 
 
 Of Wisdom's circle, though it charm a Court. 
 
 Seek we corporeal ftrength ? the mine, the plough, 
 
 Of Jlro7tg examples, furnifli us enow. 
 
 Search we the fpot which mental ^ow^v contains ? 185 
 
 Go where man gets his living by his brains. 
 
 Had Charles^ frjl popp'd into the world, I ween. 
 
 That world a very diffWent Charles had feen. 
 
 *' What had Charles been?" is afk'd with wonder — Even 
 
 That good, fat, honeft, fleeping fellow — Stephen,\ 190 
 
 * Mr. Fox. t The late Lord Holland, elder brother of Mr. Fox. 
 
 O may
 
 [ >6 ] 
 
 may of Princes a long race fucceed! 
 
 Such DoveSy fuch harmlefs Doves as 7iow we feed ; 
 
 Not Eagles^ fcreaming with infatlate maw, 
 
 Wild in our hearts to plunge the beak and claw ! 
 
 And yet too oft, to damn the coward age, 1 95 
 
 Our Ifle has trembled at a Tyrant's rage. 
 
 Thus 'mid the fmiles of Nature's fair domain, 
 
 Where blooming Health and Plenty lead their train ; 
 
 Where, rob'd with verdure, wind the rills along. 
 
 And ev'ry vale refounds with cheerful fong ; 200 
 
 See o'er th' Elyfian fcene, with lofty head, 
 
 The blood-ftain'd gibbet dafli the foul with dread ! 
 
 1 own an eloquence's ftream, but know, 
 Too oft for England's welfare periods flow : 
 
 Verfe 202. The hlood-ftain'd gibbet.'] In France, Switzerland, &c, are many 
 of thefe pretty monuments of Pride. 
 
 A truce
 
 [ '7 } 
 
 A tiuce to all fuch metaphonc breath : 205 
 
 So foft, they drop into our ears with death. 
 
 How like the fnows, wide-ermininor the air. 
 
 So gently finking, killing, all fo fair \ 
 
 Falling on fimple fheep, and foon, alas ! 
 
 Overwhelming^ killing'^ with the courteous mafs, 210 
 
 Mercy to England yield, the poor lean Cow ! 
 
 Thy bufy fingers have forc'd milk enow : 
 
 Though frequent rufhing the lank teats to teaze, 
 
 How patiently the beaft has borne thy fqueeze ! 
 
 Juft fliak'd her head, and wincing whilk'd her tail, 2 1 5 
 
 When oft thou fiU'dfl: a puncheo7i for a pail : 
 
 But now ftie bufhing roars, and makes a pudder, 
 
 Afraid thy hardened hands may fteal her udder ^ 
 
 Think on America, our cow oi yore^ 
 
 Which oft the hand with Job-like patience bore; 220 
 
 F Who,
 
 Who, pinch'd, and yet denied a lock of hay, 
 
 Kick'd the hard Milkman off*, and march'd away. 
 
 In vain he try'd by ev'ry art to catch her ; 
 
 To wound, to hamftring, nay, knock down, difpatch her \ 
 
 Far off* flie kept, where Love, where Freedom rules ; 
 
 Mocking the fruitlefs rage of rogues and fools^ 226 
 
 Speak, Pitt, (for know at times Tm rather du] 
 Why from thy tax exempt a royal fkuU ? 
 Why free each creeping thing about a Court ? 
 The grumbling Nation will not thank thee for't. 23® 
 
 Let Hawksb'ry frown, and bull-face Brudenell roar ; 
 They well may club, to cafe the Nation's fcore : 
 Their purfe-ftrings, nay, let all thy colleagues draw> 
 Difgorging a poor guinea from each maw. 
 
 Let
 
 [ 19 J 
 
 Let Queenss'ry nobly pinch his Cyprian finnings, 235 
 And ftately Cumberland her Faro winnings ; 
 
 Let Madam S g make up wry faces, 
 
 Something {hould come in troth from fales of places. 
 
 Say, what the tax thy brain will next provide ? 
 
 Alas ! why not attack the Human Hide ? 240 
 
 Lord, Lord ! how much it muft the Nation aid. 
 
 Folks may bey^^^V with fafety — why VioX. flay df 
 
 'Tis verily a fhame — a crying fin, 
 
 The world fliould bear about a ufelefs ikin ; 
 
 Verfe 236. And fiat ely Cumherland.1 As one of the great Supporters of 
 Morality, for fuch every Mufe fhould be, I have feveral times had it in 
 contennplation to give this Danne a public rap on the knuckles for certain 
 parfinaony to fome of the poor difbanded and faithful fcrvants of her houfchold, 
 after the death of her fimple Duke. The tale however is too full of matter for 
 a folitary Note, and may, fome time or other, give importance to an Ode. 
 
 Verfe 237. Let Madam S -g,'\ This great Lady kept one of the firR 
 
 Salc-fhops in England, 
 
 What's
 
 [ 20 ] 
 
 What's vvorfe, that fkins fliould in the grave be laid, 24.5 
 
 So beautiful an article of trade. 
 
 Think of the fpatterdafhes, boots and flioes ; 
 
 And think thou of the vtilUons people ufe : 
 
 Such formed from human hides, would brave the weather^ 
 
 And {2iWQfuch quantities of foreign leather. 250 
 
 Thus would our Britain annual thoufands gain, 
 
 And rival all the cows and calves of Spain. 
 
 Afk'fl: thou what other ufe our hides can boafl ? 
 
 Books may be bound, my Friend — the lettered hoft : 
 
 Cafes of confciencey Buller's fkin fhould bind ; 255 
 
 Good folios upon mercy to mankind : 
 
 Gloster^s, a book on wedlock' sy^^^/ tranquillity ; 
 
 His Sifter Cumberland's, upon humility : 
 
 Brudenell's, on beauty, witty converfation, 
 
 On manners, mufic, ratiocination : 260 
 
 5 Richmond's,
 
 [ 21 ] 
 
 Richmond's> on courage \ modefty, Dundas's ; 
 State-fycophants, a volume upon Asses : 
 The — — 's, on elocution, hay and hogs, 
 Calves, politics, tithes, civil-lift, and logs : 
 
 The 's, on di'monds, pearls, and cuftom-dues^ 265 
 
 Old gowns, old petticoats, old hofe, old fhoes ; 
 Good nature, ftate-extravagancy-lopping, 
 Pins, mantua-makers, milliners, and fliopping : 
 
 To clofe th' illuftrious lift, and founding line, ' 
 
 On delegates, reform,' and powder, thine. 270 
 
 O fay, where firft was plann'd thy Powder fcheme ? 
 
 At Wimbledon arofe the golden dream ; 
 
 Where thou, and honeft RuMBOLD-hunting Harry, 
 
 Projed, and r^-projedl, and oft mifcarry ? 
 
 Two Graziers^ cheap'ning hogs to fill your ftyes \ 275 
 
 Two Spiders^ weaving lines for fimple flies. 
 
 G Rich
 
 . [ " ] 
 
 Rich fpot ! whence Millions take their eafy wing, 
 
 To bribe an Emp'ror, and ?'efrej}j a King ; 
 
 Where, bleft, ye bumper it in Engbnd's caufe. 
 
 Belch Opposition's fall, and hiccup laws ; 280 
 
 With equal fpirit, where each work fucceeds, 
 
 A Bottle now, and now a Nation bleeds^ 
 
 Ah, Pitt ! of late thy counfels draw difgraee: 
 The fpring-tide of thy fortune ebbs apace. 
 When reputation ^i:^^;^^, toll is vain — 285 
 
 No nojlrtun gives the bloom of health again \. 
 No more (fo grateful to the fenfe) a rofe ; 
 It drops, a putrid carcafe^ to the crows. 
 I mark the pompous column of thy fame, 
 Faft crumbling to the duft from whence it came ; 290 
 
 Verfc 273. Andrefrejld a King.'] His moj^ honourable Majcfly, our Uttgood^ 
 and/r?;; Ally, the King of Pruffia, like the GenJemcn of the Bar, requires wcry 
 often a refrejker before his Cannon can plead. 
 
 Verfe 287. No more (Jo grateful to thejenje) a ro/e.] To avoid an ambiguity 
 here (for I have been qutftiori.d abont it), I mean the fvveet-fmeiling ro/e of 
 thejidds, not Mr. George Rofe, of the Treafury, 
 
 And
 
 [ 23 ] 
 
 And fee thy thund'ring day in lilence clofe, 
 
 While Wisdom triumphs o'er the pale reoofe. 
 
 Too much thou courteft Danger's dizzy height ; 
 
 The treach'rous fands may fink beneath thy feet — 
 
 Thy kite, that reeling, fhifting, mounts the fl:orm> 295 
 
 May force heav'n's flafh upon thy feeble form ! 
 
 Think not I wifh with Satire's blade to play^ 
 
 And, charm'd with man's difgraces, felfifh fay, 
 
 *' Let folly root in Minifters and Kings— 
 
 " While rank and thick like Aconite it fprings, 300 
 
 ** Delighted on the precious load I look, 
 
 ^■^ And hail a harveft for the Muse's hook," 
 
 Still to h^ferlous^ Pitt, before we part : 
 
 Let Mercy melt the mill-ftone of thy heart. 
 
 How 
 
 Verfe 304. Let Merct melt the mlll-fione of thy heart. '\ I principally allude 
 in this place to the plitical character of this Statefman, which is rather marked 
 
 with
 
 [ 24 ] 
 
 How nobler far, for honeft fame to toil, ' 305 
 
 And change a Kingdom's curfes for 'xfjniU ! 
 
 Yetj if refolv'd to worry wigs and hair^ 
 
 And, Herod-like, not little children fpare, 
 
 Say, (for methinks the land has much to dread) 
 
 How long in fafety may we wear the head F 310 
 
 Enough our necks have bow'd beneath the yoke ; 
 
 Enough our fides have felt the goad and flroke ; 
 
 Then ceafe to make, by further irritation, " 
 
 Our patience the fole rock of thy falvation. 
 
 Of late hath Glory quarrell'd with thy fame ; 315 
 
 Poor Public Credit foundcr'd ! — lame, quite lame — 
 
 with feverity. As for the domejiict it poflefTes fome traits belonging to 
 the Jolly God. Even Parliannent laft year faw him enter the walls of Saint 
 Stephen, arnn in arm with his dear colleague and conftant companion Honeft 
 Harry Dundas ; both fortunately conduced to the Treafiiry Bench without 
 a fall, by the boozing reeling Deity, where ^' Palmurus nodded at the 
 helm." 
 
 3 Rapacity
 
 [ 23 ] 
 
 Rapacity too oft extends her jaw, 
 
 Frefli whets her fang, and points her iron daw ! 
 
 The arm of Vengeance drops not lightly down ; 
 
 Not quite 2i feather on a culprit's crown — 320 
 
 Profusion vilely fofter'd — Honour dead ; 
 
 Resentment's eye looks dangeroufly red. 
 
 Believe me, Pitt, not yet is thine the realm, 
 
 Not thifie the fliip, becaufe thou hold 'ft the helm : 
 
 Such is the voice of Truth ! — perhaps it wounds — 325 
 
 Friend to thy/elf 2iVi6. England, heed the founds ; 
 
 Sounds to alarm^^2.nd let not, though fevere, 
 
 The breath of Folly brufh them from thine ear. 
 
 Vain is rough blufter — vainly dar'ft thou fay, 
 
 *' Poh ! danger I I have met its trying day" — 330 
 
 For, ah ! too often, boaftful of his wars. 
 
 Rank Cowardice ^affumes the mien of Mars, 
 
 Verfe 330. Poh! Danger!'] At the Old B::iley lately, in the affair of Mr, 
 HoRNE TooKE, on the fubjed of Delegation. 
 
 H Dim
 
 [ 26 1 
 Dim though thy beam, the Muse's eagle eye 
 Beholds a tempeft in the diftaut flcy ; 
 Dull though thy ty?npanum^ her nicer ear 33.5 
 
 Catches a thunder-growl from yonder fphere ^ 
 She fees fliarp Fate amid the gathering gloom; 
 A cloud of vengeance, black with mortal doom j 
 But dares not name the Melancholy Form, 
 Whom Guilt has mark'd the viBim of the ftorm. 3.40 
 
 Now to be gay again — {hould Famine rife, 
 
 The meagre fpedre, on a S — • — 's eyes, 
 
 And fliould the groan of Britain's, bleeding wound 
 
 Prefs on the fhrinking ear — a killing found ; 
 
 Be whiilles blown, and bells of children rung ; 345 
 
 The fav'rite little farthing rufh-light fung ; 
 
 Let dancing-dogs, delighting, form their ball^ 
 
 Whips crafh, and grinding hurdy-gurdies fquall ;. 
 
 While
 
 [ 27 1 
 
 While crownM with chimney-fweepers on their way, 
 
 In deep-tonM unifons the affes bray j 350 
 
 Such as at Frogmore,* form'd to pleafe a Pair, 
 
 The true Sublime of Monarchs, a Dutch Fair! 
 
 And as again, on Frogmore's happy Green, 
 
 More JJjows fliall gladden our good King and Queen y-f 
 
 Suppofe DuNDAS and Thou (a Princely Iport) 355 
 
 Play fome farce- charadler to charm the Court, 
 
 And boldly run the gauntlope through a mob,. 
 
 That execrates, that damns the Powder job ; 
 
 Where Barbers, Hair-dreflers, Perfumers, throng,, 
 
 To hoot and huftle as ye courfe along ; 360 
 
 Dafh with their powder-bags your brains about. 
 
 With many a kick, and feoff, and grunt, and iTiout ; 
 
 * A Villa near Windfor, belonging to the Queen. 
 
 j; This is abfolutely deternciined on, in the Frogmorc Senate, 
 
 - Each
 
 [ 2^ ] 
 
 Each face with tallow and with dripping fmeer ; 
 
 And with hot pincers tweak each nofe and ear I 
 
 Lo ! fliould it mifs the royal approbation, 365 
 
 ril anfvver for the plaudit of the Nation, 
 
 Such is the fong — and do not thou, fevere, 
 With treajon^ treafon^ fill a royal ear. 
 A gentle joke, at times, on Queens and Kings, 
 Are pkafant, taking, nay, inJlruBive things : 370 
 
 Yet fome there are, who reliili not the fport. 
 That flutter in the funfhine of a Court ; 
 Who, [eavful/ong might mar their high ambition, 
 Loofe the gaunt dogs of State, and bawl *^ Sedition /"
 
 FROGMOPvE FETE; 
 
 ANODE* FOR MUSIC, 
 
 FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL, 
 Vulgarly called All Fools Day, 
 
 1 WAS at the royal feat on Frogmore Green, 
 With Britain's gold, iiprear'd by Britain's ^een ; 
 
 r 
 
 To charm a Court, a Princefsf turn'd her head ; 
 
 ■* The reader will, at the firfl glance, perceive a refemblance between my 
 Ode, and the celebrated Ode for St, Cecilia's Day by Dryden, and know per- 
 haps to which he muft yield t\\Q preference. In fpite of all the praifes bellowed 
 on Alexander's Feast, I dare pronounce it, a downright drunken Bartho- 
 lomew-Fair fcene ; the poetry too, not fuperior to the Juhje5f : whereas the 
 Frogmore Gala was of the order of fublinnity ; and as for the merits of wy 
 Muse on the glorious occafion, (though indeed I could fay a great deal in her 
 favour) my good old Friend, the Public, muil decide. 
 
 Verfe i. 'Twas at the Royal Scat.'] 
 
 " 'Twas at the Royal Feaft for Perfia won." Dryden. 
 
 t '^^1^ Princefs Elizabeth. 
 
 I At
 
 I 30 ] 
 
 At length delivered was her lovely brain, 
 
 And, lo ! on Frogmore's happy happy plain, r 
 
 « I -i 
 Wonders on wonders foon were brought to bed. 
 
 Sublime the Pair of England fate i 
 Staring with moft enormous ftate, 
 
 The family of Orange by their fide ; 
 With all the pretty offspring round, lO 
 
 That flruck the mob with awe profou72d ; 
 
 Sweet State, untainted by one gi^ain of pride f 
 
 And bold ht£\^z them fat each valiant Peer ; 
 
 Carpmeal, and courtly Chesterfield, were there; 14 
 
 Vcrfe 13. Each valiant Veer, \ 
 
 " His valiant Peers were plac'd around." Dryden. 
 
 To the ignorant in punauation, this pafTage may fcem degrading-, as though 
 the Poet meant Meffieurs Carpmeal, Macmanus, Townsend, and Jealgus, 
 as a ^«r/ of the Peers-, whereas no fuch idea was intended. I neverthelefs 
 entertain a high refpeft for thofe Gentlemen, as very ufeful members of focietyi 
 yet I cannot place them> high-^\i is fo aftonifhing a leap from Bow-ftreer. 
 
 ^ MaCMANUSj
 
 [ 3» 3 
 
 Macmanus, ftar-clad Salisb'ry, Tow^ntshend, Jealous, 
 
 The Guards of England's Sovereigns — furious Fellows I 
 With combs, puiFs, powder-bags, their temples bound ; 
 In golden letters, Guinea Pigs, around. 
 
 *^ Kings love 7nean company^'' quoth Edmund Burke — 
 Making indeed with royal tafte fliort work : 20 
 
 But thus Kings honour and exalt the Low! 
 How like the God that gives the golden day ; 
 Who through a little hole can dart his ray, 
 
 And bid the dungeon with his radiance glow ; 
 Nay, from its filth too, bid a vapour rife, 2 5 
 
 And make it a gay cloud amid the fkies ! 
 
 Verfe iS. In golden letters y Guinea Pigs, around.'] 
 
 " Their brows with rofes and with myrtles bound." Dryden. 
 
 Verfe 25. Bid a vapour rife,] "Witnefs Lord H y. Lord A d, 
 
 Mr. G. R-SE, Mrs. H , &c. whole origins may be traced (as Mr. Burkt: 
 
 emphatically exprefled himfelf on a particular occafion) " to the Jwinijh 
 nndtitude^'* 
 
 But
 
 [ 32 ] 
 
 But Pitt and Grenville were not there, 
 To whom a puppet-fliow is dear— 
 
 Too fmall decorum on a certain debt, 
 Repeird tlie Pair from royal fport, 3^ 
 
 Whofe want of manners put the Court, 
 
 Like four fmall beer, indeed, upon the fret. 
 
 No, no — the Cousins were not aik'd indeed ! 
 
 Broad hints, though giv'n, by no means could fucceed ; 
 
 Nought could prevail, alas ! nor tears, nor fighs 1 3 5 
 The Zephyr, that fcarce moves the lily% head, 
 As foon might lift Old Ocean from his bed, 
 
 And dalh his wild of waters from xSi'^Jkies, 
 
 Verfe 29. Too fmall decorum.'] Not a fingle card of invitation was fent froitl 
 Windfor or Carleton-Houfe. Violent were the r — 1 difpleafures in the beginning j 
 but die Poet, in the true fpirit of Chriftianity, hopes that lie fiiall not be able 
 to fay, like the Liturgy, " As it was in the beginnings is now, and ever Jhall 
 hCf world mthout end,'* 
 
 SauntVing
 
 I 33 3 
 
 Saunt'ring Saint James's Park were feen the Pair, 
 
 While buftling Frogmore triumphed La her Fair. 40 
 
 And now to charm our gracious Queen and King, 
 
 Afcending on a public ftagc, 
 
 The tuneful wonder of the age, 
 Hight Incledon, began with bows to fing. 
 
 Of war he chanted — glorious war j . 45 
 
 Of millions, millions, fent afar. 
 
 To aid of falling Monarchy the caufe ; 
 
 When, lo I the lofty Great all fmiFd applaufe. 
 
 Now to the happy, fimp'ring, courtly crowd, 
 In fweeteft melody he fung aloud, 5 c 
 
 A lift of evry Hanoverian hide ; 
 
 K Sklnv
 
 [ 34 ] 
 Skins of thofe mighty men, by bullets bor*d, 
 Worth tliirty pounds a-piece to their high Lord, 
 For whofc great glory and defence they dyd. 
 
 Dear is Hanoverian-fkinning ! SS 
 
 Money well is worth the winning — 
 
 Fighting ftill, and ftill deftroying ; 
 
 Hide-money is worth enjoying : 
 
 Cutting, kiUing, drowning, ftarving ; 
 
 Soldiers Ikins are well worth carving. 60 
 
 And now he chofe a plaintive ftrain — 
 The Embassy acrofs the main, 
 
 Verfe c^c^. Dear is Hanoverian-Jkinning.'] 
 
 " War, he fung, is toil and trouble i 
 " Honour but an empty bubble ; 
 " Never ending, ftill beginning, 
 
 " Fighting ftill, and ftill deftroying : 
 " If the world be worth thy winning, 
 
 " Think, O think \t worth enjoying." Dryden. 
 
 Of
 
 i 3S ] 
 
 Of poor Macartney, and fad Stauntok, Knight j 
 Forc'dj forc'd to enter, cheek hj jowl, 
 With hogs, dogs, jack-affes, Jehol — 65 
 
 A fad proceffion ! — a tumultuous fight I 
 
 The Lord and Knight, difgrac'd, and tir'd, and fretting, 
 
 Amidfl: the dufty hurlyburly fweating — 
 
 Ah Embaffy ! to which v/e may compare 
 
 A drove of oxen fent to Smithfield Fair, 70 
 
 The pinions of Importance pluck' d, 
 Thrice to the earth their heads they duck'di 
 And thrice did they with bluflies rife, 
 With not a friend to clofe their eyes. 
 
 Verfe 74. With not a friend to clofe their eyes."] 
 
 " On the bare earth expos'd he lies, 
 " "W ith not a friend to clofe his eyes." Drvden. 
 To this degrading eeremony of proftration before his Chinefe Majefty, it is 
 faid, our E iibafly fubmitted. But how could it be helped ? Even/ thing, to 
 be fure, that could be devifed for the honour and glory of Great Britain, was 
 attempted by Ambajfador and Co, j but beggars mufl cot be choofers. 
 
 Thus
 
 I 36 ] 
 
 Thus fuffer'd British Majesty difgrace, 75 
 
 So we/I fupported by the B k Race ! 
 
 At this the Court of FROGMOREy^^V— 
 
 And now he fang of more and worfe difgrace ; 
 Sang how the Emp'ror fliew'd an angry face j 
 
 Swearing the bold adventurers fhould be ty'd 80 
 
 To a cart's tail. 
 
 Should they dare fail 
 To leave the city in two days, poor clan ! 
 When off they mov'd all mournful, beaft and man. 
 
 At this the Court of Frogmore dropp'd a tear ; 8 r 
 
 For pity dwells with Q^-- and K — and Peer* 
 
 ** Yet O think," the Songfter faid, 
 
 *< Of the pretty fmuggling trade ! 
 
 5 *^ Court
 
 [ Zl 1 
 
 *' Court and Cobbler this purfues : 
 
 <' Smuggling, juggling, 90 
 
 '' Juggling, fmuggling, 
 ** Never mind the cuftom-dues/' 
 
 At this the Court refum'd the cheerful fmile ; 
 For fmuggling cannot courtly folk defile : 
 
 Courts may fmur^le what they pleafe— 95 
 
 Mob alone ^ Exchequers feize. 
 
 And now he fung the little Eox^ and old, 
 
 That caught the Sovereign's wild and raptur'd gaze 5 
 
 Which, 
 
 Verfe 95. Courts may Jmuggle what they fleafe.'] Lady H — rn — sse and 
 her private Card-parties know more of this matter than the Poet. 
 
 Verfe 97. The little Box.~\ A prefent, containing a fcrap of complimentary 
 rhymey manufadlured by Kien Long himjelfy in anfwer to the Latin Letter 
 fent by the King of Great Britain (but not of his own compofition) to the 
 Emperor of China. Poor Sir George Staunton was made overfeer of 
 the Latinity j but as the Knight had long forgotten his propria qu^ maribus, 
 the literary vigour of a German was employed for the occafion. Are our Uni- 
 
 L verfities 
 
 -92323
 
 [ 38 ] 
 
 Which, oh ! when open d, a fad ftory told ! 
 
 Difplaymg pot-kooks f not a Bu/fes blaze. lOO 
 
 What are rhymes to wejlern Kings ? 
 Paltry, ftupid, jingling things : 
 Learning is a Monarch' sy^ijr/-— 
 Wisdom never goes to Court, 
 
 Now came a groan, that feem'd to fay, " A p-x 105 
 
 " On all the jingle of th' old Driv'ler's Box!'* 
 
 Of taxes now the fweet Mufician fung— 
 
 The Court, the chorus join'd, 
 
 And fiird the wond'ring wind ; 
 And taxesy taxes^ through the garden rung. iio 
 
 verficies still in disgrace ? Will nothing but Gotttngen go down ? In the 
 facred nanie of Literature, what have our Princes imported from thence to 
 ajlonifjjy that could not have been given by Cambridge and Oxford ? 
 
 N, B. The verfes of Kien Long to his Brother King are in a courfe of 
 tranflatiop, and will be fiommunicated to the Public in due lime. 
 
 7 Monarchs
 
 t 39 1 
 Monarchs firft. of taxes think : 
 
 Taxes are A) Monarch's I treafure: ' 
 " Sweet the. pleafure^l m^itos 
 ** Rich the treafure ;7. gnhif. 
 Monarchs love a guinea's chink. nr 
 
 And now to Avarice he tun'd the ftrain, 
 , That fuck'd a Nation like a fpunge— ^ 
 And now to Dissipation's madding train, 
 
 Who in diftrefs a People plunge; 
 A People that from ruin fcarce can 'fcape — 120 
 
 And now the Court began to gape. 
 
 Gaping is the mouth's difeafe, 
 'Vhen 2ifubjeSi fails to pleafe. 
 
 ■Jtx{^ 112. ^ axes are a Monarch's treafure.'] 
 " Bacchus' blefTings are a treafure, 
 " Drinking is the foldier's pleafure," &-c. Drydei^. 
 Vhat a poetical and fublime compliment to the military of that day ! 
 
 Now
 
 [ 4« ] 
 
 Now to fad France his plaintive voice he tun'd— 
 
 Sunk by the wicked SANS-CilLOTTEsfo low 5 125 
 
 Dealing poor Despotism fo dire a blow !■ . 
 
 When, mark! the melting Audience 2ilino9i fwoon d ! 
 
 The Songster now 2i graver fubje^^ chofe— 
 " Who is to pay Performers that compofe 
 
 " This charming Fete of Frogmore?" were the words r 
 With much furprife, 131 
 
 And rolling eyes, 
 The Court heard tylldbles^'that flabb'd like fWorJs ^ ^' 
 
 ■' :'§pd TA Ok 
 
 Now voices came — ^^ Mine Gote ! — enufF, enufF." — 
 
 . .lib ZLiUiom Oiij c.- ;i]nif.;j>D 
 " How ! how ! what, v/hat ? ftufF, Incledon, ftuff, 'fluff." 
 
 ** fFe pay ! no, no ! mine Gote, we haf more wit." — 
 
 ** Go, go to Parliament — afk Pitt, afk Pitt." 137 
 
 ., "Vith 
 
 .ru: i c I . L 
 
 i
 
 I 41 ] 
 
 With loaded fubjeBs^ ah ! we fee 
 A Jack-afs in the next degree ; 
 
 When foon appeared the emblematic brutes, 140 
 
 With chimney-fweepers on their baclcs, 
 That kicK'd^ zxidi fpurr d^ and laflod their hacks — 
 
 And well with fuch t aim fools the treatment fuits. 
 
 Off gallop'd, for royal amufement, the Affes ; 
 Mid the haycocks they fcamper'd, and knock'd down the 
 laffes — 145 
 
 Girls fquaird, the Court laugh'd,andthejack-affes bray'd 
 At the fight of the legs by the tumble difplay'd. 
 
 Verfes 138 and 139. With loaded fubjefts, ah] we fee 
 A Jack-afs in the next degree."] 
 " The mighty mafter fmil'd to fee, 
 " That Love was in the next degree." Dryden. 
 
 M Now
 
 [ 42 1 
 Now a Couple leap'd down from their ftate to the Pr angers, 
 Musicians and Racers, Tune-grinders, and Dancers ; 
 Shaking all by the hand, who, in compliment clever^ 150 
 Roar'd aloud, '' Kings and Queens, Fun and Frogmore, 
 
 [or ever 
 
 I ! !" 
 
 Ytti't 148. Now a Couple lee fd- down f &c.J 
 
 " Thais led the wav." Dryoen, ^ 
 
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