930 UC-NRLF B 3 3^b bm 111 ^ sxs THE STAGE GUILD PLAYS s^ HERO OF SANTA MARIA By KENNETH SAWYER GOODMAN and BEN HECHT NEW YORK a>e FRANK SHAT ^ PUBLISHER Plays Worth Reading THE HERO OF SANTA MARIA - A Comedy in One Act .50 By K. S. Goodman and Ben Hecht THE WONDER HAT - - A Harlequinade in One Act .50 By K. S. Goodman and Ben Hecht THE GREEN SCARF - - - A Comedy in One Act .50 By K. S. Goodman THREE WISHES . - - - A Comedy in One Act .50 By Thomas Wood Stevens BLACK 'ELL A Play in One Act .50 By Miles Malleson BEFORE BREAKFAST - - - A Play in One Act .35 By Eugene O'Neill ANOTHER WAY OUT ... A Satire in One Act .35 By Lawrence Langer THE LAST STRAW .... A Play in One Act .35 By Bosworth Crocker LOVE OF 6nE'S neighbor - - A Satire in One Act .35 By L. Andreyev POLLY OF POGUE'S RUN - An Historical Play in One Act .35 By W. O. Bates THE MORNINGSIDE PLAYS HATTIE: a drama By Elva De Pue ONE A DAY: a comedy By Caroline Briggs MARKHEIM: a dramatization - - - By Zeflah MacDonald THE HOME OF THE FREE: a comedy - By E. L. Reizenstein (Introduction by Barrett H. Clark) - Paper, .75 FRANK SHAY - - NEW YORK THE STAGE GUILD PLAYS NO. I The HERO of SANTA MARIA A RIDICULOUS TRAGEDY IN ONE ACT BY KENNETH SAWYER GOODMAN AND BEN HECHT FRANK SHAY . . . NEW YORK LOAN STACK COPYRIGHT, 1920, by FRANK SHAY All Rights Reserved Characters NATHAN FISHER (Known as "Nate") MARTIN FISHER (Known as "Marty") ELMIRA FISHER EDWARD MARTIN FISHER (Known as "Toady") JAMES MERRYWEATHER HINES (Known as the "Squire," or "Heinie") BERNARD R FOSS THEODORE Q. WILKINSON The Hero of Saxta I\Iaria was originally presented by the Washington Square Players, at the Comedy Theatre. Xew York, on the night of February 12th. 1917. NOTE: READ CAREFULLY The acting rights of this play are reserved by the author. Performance is strictly forbidden unless his express con- sent, or that of his representatives, has first been obtained, and attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any infringement of liis rights, as follows: "Sec. 4966 : — Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been ob- tained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musi- cal composition or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subse- quent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the un- lawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon convic- tion be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." — U. S. Re- vised Statutes, Title 60, Chap. 3. Applications for permission to produce THE HERO OF SAXTA MARIA must be made to Frank Shay, 26-28 Horatio St.. Xew York. X'o performance may be given without his consent. COMPLETE LIST OF PLAYS UPOX REQUEST 1^4 '''^^ d THE HERO OF SANTA MARIA f The Scene is the living room of the Fisher home. : A scrti^ ^ pulously neat room of the late horse-hair and ivax floiver period. At the hack is the "front door" and near it a zvindow looking towards the street. At the left is a door leading into Marty's bed-room, and at the right a door leading into a room sacred to Nate. Over Marty's door is a printed sign "Trespassers unll be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." On the right zvall is a crayon portrait of Nate in G. A. R. uniform. The uni- form is draped with small American flags. In the center of the room is a table with two stiff chairs beside it. There are also articles of furniture, including an- other small table with a drawer in it. Among the knick- knacks on the center table is a plush covered family album. The time is about ten in the morning of a pleasant spring day. When the curtain rises the stage is empty. Immediately the street doors open and Marty peers cautiously into the room.. He then enters and closes the door behind him. Marty.- Hey! Anybody home? (He listens, then goes cautiously to the door at the right, opens it, and listens again.) Hullo, Nate, are y' in there? (Evidently satisfied that the room is empty, he tiptoes across to the door at the left, stands before it and raps softly and W'ith precision. He then squats down and addresses the occupant of the room through the keyhole.) Pssst! Toady! (Receiving no response, he looks about anxiously and again speaks into the keyhole, in a slightly louder voice.) Psst! Toady. A sleepy voice from inside: What d'you want? Marty. Open the door. It's me, Uncle Marty. The Voice: Oh! (A bolt is shot and Toady Fisher stands on the threshold, rubbing his eyes. Marty produces two bot- tles of beer and a paper bag, zchich he places on the center table.) Toady.— (Stretching his arms.) Oh hum! 1 J 655 Marty. Wake up. . . I've brought ^er breakfast. Toady. — {Glancing at the clock.) You took yer time about it. Marty. If I'd snuck so much as a doughnut out of our own kitchen yer Aunt Ehnira'd been wise to us in a min- ute. She's tighter than the skin on a prize pig, she is. Toady. Well, what you got? Marty. A couple of bottles of beer and a fried egg sand- wich from Hopper's Hotel. Toady. — {Examining the supplies.) — Huh, is that all? Marty. — {Looking into his hat ivhich he takes off for the first time.) — I had a pair of fried fish-cakes in the top of my hat. Guess I must lost 'em when I tipped it to Mrs. Sprud- der down by the corner. Toady. — {Pulling up a chair to the table.) — Say get me a glass and a, plate, can't you? Marty. — {Seizing his arm.) — Xo you don't; not out here. They'll spot you sure. Toady. Rats ! Pa wouldn't have m.e arrested. Marty. You ain't lived with him for sixty-seven years like I have. Toady. He can't pin it on me that I ever seen his fifty dollars. Marty. I reckon everybody knows it left town along about the same time you did. Toady. — {Beginning to eat the sandn'ich.) — Well, I ain't got it now, that's a cinch. Marty. Look here, who's running this family reconcilia- tion, me or you? Toady. — {His month full.) — Aw, can the prodigal son stuff, can it. Marty. Xow, Toady, don't go and spoil it all. Toady. I wouldn't have stoppe4 off in no flea-bitten burg like this only I was sick of bumming my way on freights. All I want's enough coin to get me to Chicago like a gen- tleman. ;Marty. You don't know how much I've missed you. Why, I can't even take a couple of drinks no more without cry- ing. Go on in there like a good boy and mebbe I'll run up to the barber shop and borrow the police gazette for you to read. 2 Toady.— (Getting np.)—l give you fair warning, I ain't going to sit in that hole all day. Marty. You'll be safe. Even Elmira daresn't put her foot in my room. Toady. — (Picking up one of the beer bottles and the sand- z.'ich and moving toivard the door at the left.) — Aw, all right ! All right ! ^^Iarty. I'll steal something nice for your dinner, honest to gawd I will. Some cold banana pudding. Toady.— (^-ran'/y)— AH right! All right! (Marty pushes Toady through the door and closes it.) Marty. Now lock it on the inside. An don't you open your head except I give you the high sign. Toady.— (/row inside)— AW right! (The bolt is shot. Mar- ty listens a moment then goes back to the center table and picks up the remaining bottle of beer just as the street door opens and Elmira Fisher enters. She has a letter in her hand.) Elmira— (nj a rasping voice)— Well, what are you doing home at this time of day? (Marty startled, turns and switches the bottle of beer be- hind him.) Marty. Eh ? Elmira. You heard what I said. AIarty. So help me, I — Elmira. You've been drinking. I can smell it on you from here. Marty. That's a nice way for a sister to talk, ain't it? Elmira. I'd like to forget I was your sister. Marty. I ain't laying nothing in the way to hinder you trying. (He makes a move tozvard the street door.) Elmira. Where you going now? Marty. Mebbe I'm going back to sweep the court house and then again mebbe I'm going fishing. Elmira. Fishing! Huh! AIarty. Well, fishing'-? respectable, aint it? It's mention- ed in the Bible, ain't it? I guess that'll hold you. The Lord said to his disciples go out and dig bait, or something— Elmira. Martin Henry Fisher, you're a blaspheming good- for-nothing — Marty. Aw, dry up! 3 Elmira. You'll lose 3'our job, and serve you right, too. Marty. Needn't let that wear on your nose. I'm a polit- ical appointee, I am. I've got influence in Forkvilie. Elmira. — {turning on him) — Influence! You've got in- fluence all right. Bad influence, that's what you've got. It was your influence made a thief out of your own nephew Ed- ward and damned his immortal soul for him. Marty. I ain't responsible for Toady. He ain't my son. Elmira. It don't matter whose son he is — Marty. Aw, lay off! Elmira. What's that you're hiding under your coat tails ? Marty. — {realizing that further concealment of the beer bottle is useless) — Just a plain bottle of beer registered un- der the Pure Food Act to contain five per cent, alcohol. Elmira. I knew it ! So that's what you keep hidden in that pig-sty of a room of yours. {She advances toz^'ard the door at the left.) Marty. — {in alarm) — Hold on there. Where you going. Elmira. To bust in that door if I have to take an axe to it. I'm going to clear this house of every drop of devil's rum you've had the indecency to bring into it. Marty. — {getting betu'een Elmira and the door) — No you don't! I own one-third of this house the same as you and Nate. Take a squint at that sign over my door. "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." You keep out of my place and I'll keep out of yours. Don't have no- thing more to do with me than you can help and I'll return the favor, all right. But, by cricky, if you so much as set one of your flat feet acrost that sill, I'll have a warrant out for you. {Marty has backed up against the door and Elmira stands glaring at him. Nathan Fisher enters from the street unnoticed in time to hear the last line.) Elmira. — {to Marty) — You — you viper. Nate. — (gruffly) — Here, what's going on? Marty. Howdy, Nate. I was just going out. Elmira. It would be a God's mercy if you'd go for good. Nate. — {coming toi^'ard the table) — It ain't likely he'll oblige us that far. What can't be helped has got to be en- dured. Marty. Amen, that goes for both sides of the family. l^ATE.— (picking up the letter from the table and peering at it) — When did this come? Elmira. I just fetched it from the postoffice, Xate. — (feeling in his pockets) — I must have left my specks in my other coat. Here, Marty, where's it from? (He hands the letter to Marty and sits down.) Marty. — (reading from the corner of the envelope) — Four- teen eighteen F Street, Washington, D. C. ^ate. Huh ! Elmira. Give it here to me. Marty. Don't get in a twitter. I'm doing this. Xate. Well, why don't you open it? (Marty deliberately tears open the envelope and shakes out the letter.) Marty. — (reading from the letter.) Mr. Xathan Fisher, Forkville, Indiana. Dear Sir: Our Mr. Gray has again looked into the evi- dence upon which you propose to base your fourth appli- cation for pension as a veteran of the Civil War, and we regret that in our opinion, it is not sufficient to warrant us in going further with the case. The records clearly show that you were drafted into the army March 14th. 1864, and had not left training camp at the close of hostilities. There is. however, one possibiHty, to which we call your attention. We understand that the Honorable Bernard P. Foss is a fellow citizen of yours. Mr. Foss is doubtless well known to you, and if willing to bring his personal influence to bear in your behalf could undoubtedly induce the Board of Pensions to take favorable action. We herewith enclose bill for services to date, trusting that they have been entirely satisfactory and that our suggestion in regard to Mr. Foss will prove helpful. Yours respectfully, DODSOX & GRIFFIX, Attorneys at Law. Xate. — (with bitter resignation) — That settles it, con- sarn 'em! Old Foss wouldn't lift a finger if I was drown- ing. Elmira. How much is the bill? Marty. Eighty-seven dollars. Elmira. The robbers! Nate. — (bctzcccii his teeth) — That's it, robbers! The hull country's in the hands of a bunch of dirty political crooks. If fellers like Squire Hines and Ted Wilkinson had an ounce of red blooded patriotism, the}- wouldn't stand to see a sol- dier of the Rebellion turned out of his nation's history. AIarty. Haw haw ! Elmira. You act like you seen something funny in paying out eighty-seven dollars for nothing. Marty. I reckon it takes a smarter liar than Xate to fool 'em in Washington. Nate. Who's a liar? Ain't I marched in every Decora- tion Day parade for forty years? Ain't I a mercber of the G. A. R. Post, Number 5s'inety-two ? Elmira. Not to count being a deacon and an officer of the Sunday School. Marty. Being a Bo's'un in the Baptist Church don't en- title you to Clothing this, side of the Golden Gate. Elmira. You're a low-down blaspheming likker snake. Marty. Well, as Toady used to say, mebbe it's better to be soaked in rum than vinegar. (Elmira begins to iK.'hiin- pcr.) Nate. I told you never to mention that scallywag's name in liis house. Ain't it enough misfortune to be cheated out of sixteen hundred dollars back pension and a regular pension twice a month without you lorever reminding me that I'm a father of a thief? Marty. — (glancing apprehensively at the bed-room door) — You hadn't ought to be so hard and unforgiving. Like as not Toady'll turn out a credit to the family yet. Nate. — (bitterly) — I never had an ounce of comfort out of him all the days of his life and I never expect to. Marty. Supposing he was to come home — I'm only say- ing supposing. Nate. — (bringing his fist doivn) — I'd have him in jail, that's where I'd have him. He's a liar and a drunkard and a thief. There ain't anything bad enough to call him. noth- ing! Marty. Hold on ! You don't have to yell. Elmira. There's Squire Hines now. Nate. Eh ! Who ? Elmira. Squire Hines. He's coming up the walk! Nate. — (confused between his anger at Toady and his 6 anger over the pension) — He's another one of 'em, damn 'em! They're all of a piece, conspiring to keep a man out of his rights. Darn the hull pack of 'em. Elmira. Xate ! Xate. He'd better keep out of here. I got scores to set- tle with him. Marty. You ain't thinking of the! editorial he wrote the time Toady was up for throwing the dead calf down Eben Fosdick's well? The one where he said the father was re- sponsible for the sins of his son? Xate. I ain't saying what I'm thinking — AIarty. 'Cause you'd oughtn't to blame a newspaper edi- tor for thinking things out in an uncommon way. {There is a knock at the door. Elmira hesitates and looks at Xate. The knock is repeated.) Nate. — (to Elmira) — You heard him knock, didn't you. {Elmira opens fjie street door, Squire Mines, enters pomp- ously with his hat in his hand. The others regard him sus- piciously li'ithout speaking.) Nate. Well. HiXES. Mr. Fisher, sir, I realize that under ordinary cir- cumstances I would not be a welcome visitor in your home. Marty, I guess you're about right on that. HiNES. I feel, however, that in view of what has so re- cently and unexpectedly transpired, all petty rancors and animosities should be swept aside. I come, friends, as the bearer of sad, but glorious news, which tonight will thrill the national conscience and set the hearts of every man and wom- an in the State beating high with pride and sorrow. Elmira. Well, we're listening to you. HiNES. To be as brief as possible; my paper has just re- ceived a dispatch from the Associated Press, dated this morning. AIarty. No wonder you're excited. I bet it's about the first time the Bugle's had a piece of news less than a couple of days old. HiNES. — (impressively) — Your levity, sir, is ill timed. The dispatch to which I refer recounts the heroic death of your brother's only son, Edward Martin Fisher. Marty. Eh ? Nate. — (taken back)— How's that? Elmira. It's all a mistake. Toady wasn't the kind to ex- pose himself. 7 HixES. So I thought myself, Miss Fisher, but I was wrong. Toady,, as you so lovingly call him, showed him- self, when ^the crisis came, to be a man of honor fit to take his place beside the heroes of the past. Marty. — (zvith a glance at the bed-room) — Say, you could knock me down with a feather ! Nate. Where did it happen? HiXES. At Santa Alaria del something-or-other,, on the Mexican border, the Company of United States Cavalry in which your son had enlisted — Elmira. Xow I know it's a mistake. Toady never rode a horse his life. HiXES. — {ignoriugi the {)iterntptioii) — I repeat, sir, his company crossed the river under a murderous fire to dis- lodge a party of snipers. At the very foot of the enemy's position, Edward gloriously gave up his life for our beloved flag, the first American killed. Marty. — (zviping his face icith his handkerchief) — Phew! Nate. You're sure of what you're saying? HiXES. When you have been duly informed of j'our be- reavement by the War Department, the remains will be ship- ped here for interment, via El Paso, Texas. Marty. I never was a funeral fan like Elmira, but this here corpse is one I'll take a heap of interest looking at. Elmira. — {to Mart\) — You're a callous, unfeeling rep- tile. HiNES. I have no wish to add to your burden of afflic- tion, but I warn you in advance that the features have been mutilated beyond' recognition. He was indentified only by the card sewed in his uniform. Marty. — {slapping his knee as a light suddenly dazcns on him) — Haw, haw, haw! So that's it? Elmira. — {sei::ing Marty by the collar) — So that's what? AIarty. Take your hands off me. I got a right to be upset by my grief the same as the rest of you, ain't I? HiXES. li I may be allowed to say so, your grief ought to be somewhat tempered by the knowledge that your loss has given the youth of America an example of noble and self sacrificing courage. Nate. I knew it. Marty. Eh ? Nate. Any son of mine v/as bound to have the right stuff in him. Yes, sir, I knew it all along. Marty. Well, I'll be damned!. Nate. And it's about time the nation waked up to what me and mine has done for it. HiXES. That's just the point I was coming to. We have decided, with your permission, Mr. Fisher, to hold a large public demonstration of Pridd and Sorrow, a Military fu- neral, the expenses of which. I am authorized to say, will be borne jointly by the Bugle. Congressman-elect Foss and the Honorable Theodore Q. Wilkinson, our Democratic candi- date for Sheriff at the coming county elections. Marty. Seems to me the offer ain't to be sneezed at. HiNES. To be perfectly frank, that's the way I look at it. Nate. No ! Elmira. You mean you ain't going to let them? Nate. They can't pay me off cheap and make a good thing out of it for 'themselves at the same time. HiNES. Am I to understand— Nate. You're to understand you can't make nothing off me. I've suffered enough for my country and been disowned by it. I ain't going to sit by and see my own son's funeral turned into a rallv for the Democrat?'- party that wouldn't lift a finger to get me my just rights. No, sir! He'Jl be buried with only family members and close personal friends attending, and if there's any credit coming, it ain't going to the bunch of political shysters that has turned me down. Hines. I give you my word, Mr. Fisher— Marty. Nate's right for once. If he lets you pull votes for Ted Wilkinson and boom the circulation of the Bugle, there ought to be something in it besides brass bands and immortelles. Nate. I've given my own flesh and blood that might have been a comfort and a "support to me in my old age. Elmira. It's no more'n right, they should,' do something for him. Hines. I'm deeply pained by your attitude, deeply dis- appointed. Marty. It don't seem exactly fair we should deprive the Squire of a chance to make a couple of speeches. Hines. The committee are at the Bugle office now, draft- ing a set of resolutions which we had intended to present la- 9 ter in the day I feel, however, that under the circumstances, any further offer from us might be misunderstood. Marty. You needn't be shy about making a proposition. This ain't a sensitive family. HixES. — (to Nate) — In that case, may I venture to sug- gest that if; Mr, Foss would undertake to push your own claim for a pension and that if the Bugle would draft and circulate a petition endorsing it? — Elmira. Do you mean that? Marty. There's sixteen hundred dollars of back pension due him, according to his own reckoning, HiXES. I dare say the Government will not be niggardly in its recognition of your brother's patriotic service when the facts are presented by the proper fjersons. Nate. — I ain't saying it's a bargain. Elmira, If there was some way, of fixing it so as Xate's pension was mentioned in the resolutions, and Mr. Foss couldn't crawl out of i't afterwards. Marty. I always said that woman had ought to been a lawyer. HiNES. Well? Xate. Mebbe if you could fix it like Elmira says. HiNES. — {glancing at his zvatch) — Done! A public fu- neral it is then. {He has lost his unctiousncss and the others have appare)itly lost sight of the gravity of the event upon ZL'hich they are basing their bargain.) I'll be back in fifteen minutes with the committed Xate. I ain't promising nothing yet. HixES — {genially) — That, sir, to put it vulgarly, is up to us. Good morning all. (H^ goes briskly out at the street door. Elmira goes to the zvindoiv and looks after him.) Elmira. — {thoughtfully) — Eighty-seven dollars from six- teen hundred — Marty. I never thought twenty minutes ago I'd be the uncle of a hero and the brother of a bonyfidy pensioned vet- eran. {He fills his pipe.) Elmira. Well, it won't benefit you none. You'll pay your keep out of what you can earn for yourself same as ever. Marty. ]Mebbe so and then again, mebbe not. {He strikes a match.) Elmira. Don't you dast light that pipe in here ! 10 Marty. Aw, close your face ! Xate. It's hard enough to lose an only son without hear- ing you two jawing each other. AIarty. Yes, and mebbe it's a darnsight harder'n you think to lose a son like) yours. Elmira. What d'you mean by that? Marty. There's a little piece of business has got to be settled amongst ourselves before the Squire gets back with them resolutions. Xate. — (suspiciously) — Eh ! Marty. — {going to the bed-room door and opening it) — Hey! Come out of there. {Toad\\ appears in the doorivay — Xate and Elmira regard him in speechless consternation,') Toady. Howdy, pa. Xate. — (bitterly) — So! You wasn't killed after all? Marty. At least his face ain't any worse mutilated than usual. Come on, Toady, don't be bashful. You ain't buried yet. Elmira. I might have known there was some mistake. X'ate. Mistake nothing ! It's a game they put up on me, the two of 'em. Yes, and Hines was in it, and Foss, and the hull damn bunch like as not. Toady. Xo they wasn't. AIarty. This here is just a quiet family funeral. (He be- gins Miming the pages of the family album on the table.) Xate. I'll — I'll get even with you. I'll — Toady. There's gratitude for yoa Elmira. I like your impnidefice. Toady. It ain't every son has done as much for his old man as I've done for you, pa. X'ate. I'll call the constable and have you in jail. Yes, sir, and I'll have Marty — Marty. You needn't pay no further attention to me. (He extracfs a photograph from the album and goes to the small table where he opens a drau'er and takes out a hammer and some tacks.) Xate. — (to Toady) — You heard what I said. Xow git! Toady. I ain't in no particular rush. You can't pin noth- ing on me. I'll tell 'em Aunt Elmira swiped your fifty dol- lars for the Baptist mission. (Marty draws a chair to the 11 side of the room, climbs on it and begins tackingi up the photograph in a conspicuous place.) Elmira. — You're a deserter from the United States Arm3\ They'll get you for that anyhow. Toady. Say, you make me laugh. When I heard old Hiny shooting off that bunk about me wading acrost the Rio Grandy with a flag in my mit, you could have butchered mt with a dish rag. Marty. — (pointing zvith his hammer to the flags over Nate's crayon portrait.) — ^Will you reach me them flags, El- mira, please? Elmira. — (turning) — Eh? Land of Goshen, what are you doing on my best chair. Marty. Just putting up an old photo of the dear depart- ed for his loving relatives to admire. (He gets down from the chair and goes for the flags himself.) Toady. That's right. You'd ought toi have a decorated picture of the Hero of Santa Maria. I guess you can't jump over Uncle Marty for a sob artist, Elmira. — (advancing on Toady) — I'm going to get to the inside of this if I have to shake the skin off you. Toady. Hold on, will you, I'm busy. (He turns to Marty who has returned zcith the flags and begun adjusting them.) Say, Unk, you're sticking them flags a little crooked. Nate. If Hines and Foss ain't putting up a game on me, how'll I look when they find out? Toady. I guess that's something you got to figure out for yourself. Nate. You've fixed my chances for a pension. It's a con- spiracy ! Elmira. Yes, and Marty was in it. AIarty. So help me, I never laid eyes, on Toady till he came tapping at my window last night. Elmira. You needn't tell me. Toady. If you all shut up, I'll give you the straight dope. On the level, I will. Marty. Make it short if you don't want your pa to have apoplexy. Toady. I met a feller in the park one night last winter. Elmira. What park? Toady. Madison Square Park, New York City. He was a little red headed feller with bow legs, and say but he had 12 a bad eye, believe me ! His name was Christian Dane O'Houlihan. Elmira. What's that got to do with it? Toady. For cat's sake, who's telling this, me or you? Xate. Let him alone. Toady. *'Gee," I sez to him, "if I had a flossy label like \onrs, I bet I wouldn't have to be no free lunch hound." 'Tf vou like it." he sez. "you're welcome to it. You can't do no worse with it than what I've done. If I had a nice plain name like Edward ^Martin Fisher, I'd go and enlist in the cavalry with it." "Go ahead," I sez, "you're on." So we swapped names and I got a job washing dishes in a dairy lunch. Marty. And the red-headed feller's getting shipped from Santa Maria via El Paso, Texas, to be buried at the ex- pense of the local option Democrats of Forkville, Indiana. Toady. I guess that's about the answer. My name was more unluckier than his'n. Elmira. What did you come back for? Why couldn't you let the only sensible thing you ever done stay done. Toady. Oh, I got a heart all right. I almost had a m.ind to light out and keep my mouth shut when I saw how puffed up Pa was over having me killed. I'd have done it, too, only I heard you driving that bargain with Hines aboirt my fu- neral. Elmir.\. Well, what do you want? I know you want something. Toady. I give you just one guess. Xate. No, sir, I don't give him a cent. I'll be doing my country another service by putting a crook like him behind the bars. Toady.— (cheerfully) — All right. Turn me up and blooie goes the pension. Marty. You sort of owe it to the family reputation. Kate, to keep him dead. Elmira. If your pa gives you twenty-five dollars will you get out and leave us be? Toady, Come around to the other ear. You don't talk loud enough. Xate. I tell you I won't be a party to no fraud. Elmira. That ain't the question. When he's gone we can decide what's best according to our own conscience. 13 Marty. I'd like to put some money on the way 'Miry's conscience'll jump. Elmira. — (to Toady, paying no aftentioii to Marty) — Sup- pose he makes it fifty dollars. Toady. What d'you take me for. a boob? I guess I know what me and the red-headed feller has done for pa all right. Twenty-five per cent. cash. Them's my best terms. (He turns and surveys the decorated portrait.) Say, Uncle Marty, that looks swell. Elmira. I never heard such gall in my life. Toady. I want four hundred dollars, or I'll walk down the street to Hopper's Hotel, and get drunk where the hull town'll see me. Nate. That's a fine way for a son to talk to his father. Here's Hines and Foss come around to do the right thing after ten years' crookedness and just when it's all fixed up for me to get my just deserts — Marty. Hold on ! Elmira. Yes and mebbe your pa'd have got his pension long ago except for your carryings on, putting everybody against us. Toady. Don't make me laugh. Everybody's heard how pa tried to buy a substitute when he was drafted only he couldn't raise the coin. Xate. That's a lie, you blackmailing young skunk ! Toady. I got my feelings the same as other people and just for that word skunk it'll cost you an extra hundred be- fore I leave this house. Marty. They'll be back here any minute v.'ith them res- olutions. Xate.— (n".f/;/^)— I'll— I'll— Marty. You'll get your regular thirty a month all the same. Nate. — (to Toady) — I'll — I'll — take a stick to you. I'll beat you till there ain't a hull bone in your carcass. (He seises his stick.) Toady. All right, sail in. I could lick you with one hand, but I'll let you beat me if you want to. (Xate makes a move toivard Toady.) Elmira. For the love of heaven, Nate, be careful. Toady. Only for every belt you give me, I'll holler like the Bull of Basham. We'll have all the neighbors in here 14 to see you basting the Hero of Santa Maria. (Xate stands trembling icitli rage, the stick clenched in his hand.) Martv. Walloping- the corpse back to Hfe'll settle things quick enough. (A band is heard faintly in the distance. El- viira puts her hand suddenly to her heart.) Elmira. Glory be! What's that? {They all listen a mo- ment.) Marty. It's Hinie coming back with his bandwagon load of Pride and Sorrow. Toady.— (f/uv/-/«//v)— Well, Pa, what's the good word? Xate. You — you — Toady. I meant to be easy on you, but when they turn the court-house corner, I'll have to make it eight hundred for the suspense you're causing me. Xate. — (inarticulate zi'ith rage)— You W— you'll— (T lie mu- sic grozi'S suddenly louder.) Marty. There they go around the corner into Main street. Elmira. — (i^-ringing her hands) — You better give in, Xate. Three quarters is better'n nothing. Toady. It ain't three-quarters any longer. I've been rea- sonable and honest but you've kir-d of pushed me too far. I've got to have eight hundred cold, iron dollars. Elmira. We ain't got four hundred to our names, let alone eight hundred. (The band stop^ and there is only the sound of the drums tapping a sloic inarch.) Toady. I'll take one hundred in cash and Pa's note for eight hundred, six months at seven per cent, interest. Seven hundred to the order of Christian Dane O'Houlihan, that's me, for services rendered, and the rest to Uncle ^Nlarty for acting as my agent. How's that, Marty? Marty. Sounds fair to m.e. Toady. Marty can hold the notes and if they ain't taken up on the dot. I'll come back and we'll all get jugged to- gether for defrauding the Government. ;Marty. — (tiS the z^'indoiu) — You better decide pretty quick, Xate. They're almost in front of the house. Xate. Xo, by God! You can't rob a man that's been honest all his life. I'll— Marty. They're stopping in the gate. Foss has got his plug hat ^on. 15 Xate. They ain't here any too quick to suit me. I'll have the both of you up for robbery and blackmail. Elmira. You'd better think what you're doing, Nate. Xate. That's fine advice for a deaconess to give, ain't it? Elmira. I'm only thinking what's best in the end. Nate. No, sir ! I'm honest and I'll see you all damned before I'll — Toady. — (sootliiiigly) — It's all right. Pa. I know you ain't yourself. I'm going back in Uncle Marty's room and if you want to go through with it, the stuff's on. I meail it, I'll skin out tonight and stay a corpse. (He picks up the bottle of beer from the table.) Of course, if you want me to come and get pinched, all you got to do is call me. Nate. — (sullenly) — I ain't saying what I'll do. (There is another knock. Toady goes into the bed-room and closes the door softly. Elmira goes to the s&eet door and opens it, disclosing Foss, Mines and Wilkinson. Foss wears a frock coat and carries a silk hat in one hand and a roll of papers in the other. The three dignitaries advance into the room. Behind than is a group of neighbors framed\ in the door zvay. Wilkinson shakes Xate by the hand rather abruptly and awkardly.) Wilkinson. — (attempting to come at once to the point) — Howdy, Mr. Fisher. The Squire's (he indicates Mines zvith a hitch of his thumb) already put you wise to what we're here for. HiNES, — (cutting in on Wilkinson and taking Kate's re- luctant hand) — Quite so! (Me points to the decorated por- trait.) — See, gentlemen, what loving hands have already done. Nothing we can say or do more sincerely voices the poig- nancy of this moment than those simple flags and that sim- ple photograph. Foss.— (taking Xate's hand in turn) — In this room, sir, where the hero of the Santa Maria so recently lived and had his being — (Marty glances'^ apprehensively at the bed-room door) — our sympathy must seem a poor and inadequate thing — Nate. I ain't said I wanted your sympathy, I — Elmira. — (cutting in) — Don't mind what he says, Mr. Foss. He's been that upset — Foss. — (^till zvringiuf^ Nate's /;a;irf)— Spartan firmness, M'am. I admire him for it. 16 Wilkinson. I'll just leave some of my campaign cards on vour table in case the neighbors— (Hi;/ r^ shoots him on ugly look.) Foss. We will not intrudq on you long, Mr. Fisher. I have delegated myself — Wilkinson. Been delegated. Foss. Been delegated by the citizens of Forkville to act as their spokesman on this solemn occasion and to read you these er — {he adjusts his eyeglasses.) Wilkinson. You'll find them O. K., Mr. Fisher. HiNES. W^e have inserted a clause explicitly recognizing your own patriotic services. Marty. D'you hear that, Xate? Xate. Yes, I hear it. But I got something to say first. (Elmira plants a ehair against the bed-room door and sits dozi'H in it.) Foss. — (unrolling his document.) — Spare yourself, my friend. We all know the strain you've been laboring under. Perhaps, later at the public demonstration — (Xate glances at him.) HiNES. The Governor and Senator Tinblatter have wired us — Wilkinson. Say. that's a fine stunt. A little talk, eh? Telling the folks how Edward wasj always a good Demo- crat. {Xate glares at him.) HiNES. The Governor and Senator Tinblatter have wired us promising to speak. Perhaps after that. Elmira. D'you hear. Xate? The Governor and Senator Tinblatter. Xate. I ain't said there'd be no demonstration. Marty. You'll be getting telegrams from Washington next. \ Wilkinson. You bet! Joe Finks is on the piazza now with a fist full. {A man steps forzcard from the group in the doorzi'ay and hands Xate a packet of yellozi' envelopes. Xate looks at fJieni helplessly.) ] Marty. The hull Democratic party's going to see this thing done up right. Foss. — (clearing his throat and reading from the paper) — We, the citizens of Forkville. Indiana, offer the following: Whereas, this day has become for us a day of er — Marty. — (under his breath) — Pride and sorrow. 17 Elmira.— (/'(^ Marfy)—Shut up! Foss. Whereas, facing his country's foes on foreign soil Edward Martin Fisher, son of our respected citizen, Nathan Fisher, himself an intrepid defender of our national exist- ence in the Civil War, yesterday gave up his life; Whereas, by his courageous death and example, the said Edward Alartin Fisher has performed an inestimable serv- ice to each and everyone of us — Marty. That's right! Foss. Be it resolved, that we evidence! our esteem and gratitude fto the bereaved father by circulating an endorse- ment of his own claim to the proper and lawful pension here- tofore unaccountably denied him by the national government. And be it further and finally resolved, that Edward Alartin Fisher be buried with full military honors and all other tok- ens of love and respect of which this city and the Sovereign State of Indiana are capable. (Signed) BERNARD P. FOSS, Member of Congress, JAMES MERRYWEATHER HINES, THEODORE Q. WILKINSON, Committee on Arrangements. (Foss rolls up the paper. Elmira, unable to stand the ten- sion, sobs in partial hysieria. Xate's face has undergone va- rious changes during the reading. He is rapidly losing his desire for revenge on Toady under the influence of the adu- lation of his neighbors. He stands undecided, crumpling the telegrams in his hand.) Wilkinson. I guess that about covers it. (They all re- gard Nate as if expecting a definite ansiver.) Marty. — (seeing that Nate has practically given in) — You better say something, Nate. Nate. I — I don't know exactly how to put it, gentle- men — Marty. You was( mighty keen to talk a minute ago. Elmira. — (betzveen her sobs, afraid that Marty may spoil everything) — Let him alone, can't you. Nate... It's all come on mQ sort of sudden-like, but I guess I know what I done for the United States, — yes, and what my son Edward done for 'em, too. The Crowd in the Doorway. Hear ! Hear ! Nate. I'd kind of set my heart on a — a — 18 ^^Iarty. a quiet, family funeral — Foss. Exactly, but under the circumstances — Xate. It ain't for me to set myself up against what's expected of me. Wilkinson. — (extending his hand)— Fut it here, iMr. Fish- er. HiNES. Then we're\ to understand? Xate. I reckon I got to accept your resolutions. Foss.— (shaking Xate by the hand)— I can see how, sir. that your son was a chip off the old black. Marty. That's about the truest thing anybody's said yet. Curtain. A complete list of The Stage Guild Plays will be found on the next page. 19 By Kexxeth Saw\t:r Goodman. THE GREEN SCARF; a comedy in one act. THE GAME OF CHESS; a play in one act. EPHRAIM AXD THE WINGED BEAR; a Christmas Eve Nightmare. DUST OF THE ROAD ; a play in one act. DANCING DOLLS ; a comedy in one act. BACK OF THE YARDS; a play in one act. BARBARA; a plav in one act. A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST; a comedy in one act. By Kexxeth Sawyer Goodmax axd Bex Hecht THE HERO OF SANTA MARIA ; a comedy in one act. THE WONDER HAT; a fantasy in one act. By Kexxeth Sawyer Goodmax axd Thomas Wood Stevexs HOLBEIN IN BLACKFRIARS; a comedy in one act. THE DAIMIO'S HEAD; a masque. THE MASQUE OF MONTEZUMA; in five scenes. CAESAR'S GODS ; a bvzantine masque. RAINALD AND THE RED WOLF; a masque. A PAGEANT FOR INDEPENDENCE DAY; in four scenes. By Thomas Wood Stevens THREE WISHES; a comedy in one act. By Thomas Wood Stevexs axd Wallace Rice THE CHAPLET OF PAN; a masque. Each 50 cents, postpaid. FRANK SHAY 26-28 Horatio Street. New York City 20 Stewart Kidd Modem Plays Edited by FR.\NK SHAY To meet the immensely increased de- mands of the play-reading public and those interested in the modern drama, Stewart &- Kidd Company are issuing, under the general editorship of Frank Shay, a series of plays from the pens of the world's best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the performer and producer. The titles are : SHAM - - By Frank G. Tompkins THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE By Holland Hudson MANSIONS - - By Hildegarde Planner HEARTS TO MEND - By H. A. Overstreet Others to follow shortly Bound ill Art Paper. 50c to 75c each. FRANK SHAY 26-28 Horatio St., New York 21 MORMIMGSIDE PLAYERS THE MORNINGSIDE PLAYS HATTIE; a drama. By Elva De Pue. ONE A DAY; a comedy. By Caroline Briggs. MARKHEIAI; a dramatization. By Zellah MacDonald. THE HOME OF THE FREE; a comedy. By E. L. Reizenstein. (Introduction bv Barrett H. 22 Clark.) Paper, 75c The Provincetown Plays Edited and Selected by George Cram Cook and Frank Shay. A record of the work of the most serious and important of all new theatre move- ments in America. The plays, which are distinctively American, are a notable con- tribution to our stage, and go far towards indicating America's place in the world of the theatre. The contents are: ARIA DE CAPO - By Edna St. Vincent Millay STRING OF THE SAMISEN - By Rita Wellman NIGHT - - By James Oppenheim THE ANGEL INTRUDES - By Floyd Dell SUPPRESSED DESIRES - , ^ ^, „ By George Cram Cook and Susan Glaspell BOUND EAST FOR CARDIFF - ^ _,^, ,, By Eugene G. O'Neill COCAINE - - By Pendleton King ENEMIES - ByNeithBoyceandHutchinsHapgood NOT SMART - By Wilbur Daniel Steele THE WIDOW'S VEIL - By Alice Rostetter Octavo. sUk cloth, iHt top. net $3.00. FRANK SHAY 26-28 Horatio St., New York u= Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Edited and Selected t>> Frank Shay and Pierre Loving This volume contains fifty representa- tive one act plays of the modern theatre, chosen from the dramatic works of con- temporary writers all over the world. Some of the countries represented are : Austria, Belgium, Bolivia, France, Germany, Hol- land, Hungary, Great Britain, India, Ire- land, Italy, Russia, Spain, Sweden, United States and the Yiddish Theatre. The editors have scrupulously sifted countless plays, and have selected the best available in English. Both Frank Shay and Pierre Loving have been connected for many years with little theatres in the United States. This has af- forded them an exceptional opportunity for testing the validity of many one act plays, both as to their literary value and dramatic possibilities in actual production. An exhaustive bibliography will be found at the end of the volume. Special Circular Ui>on Request. Lartfe Sto. oloth r^ot S5.00 FRANK SHAY 26-28 Horatio St.. New York