The Works of Charles Dickens In Thirty-four Volumes. WITH INTRODUCTIONS, GENERAL ESSAY, AND NOTES BY ANDREW LANG. VOL. II. THE PICKWICK PAPERS. VOL. II. Printed from the Edition that was carefully corrected ly the Author in 1867 and 1868. The Posthumous Papers OF THE PICKWICK CLUB By CHARLES DICKENS WITH INTRODUCTION AND NOTES BY ANDREW LANG In Two Volumes. Vol. II. WITH THE ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS NEW YORK CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS 1898 Stack Annex fie CONTENTS OF VOL. II. CHAPTEE XXX. PACK How the Pickwickians made and cultivated the Acquaintance of a couple of nice Young Men belonging to one of the Liberal Pro- fessions ; how they disported themselves on the Ice ; and how their first Visit came to a conclusion 1 CHAPTER XXXI. Which is all about the Law, and sundry Great Authorities learned therein 15 CHAPTER XXXII. Describes, far more fully than the Court Newsman ever did, a Bachelor's Party given by Mr. Bob Sawyer at his Lodgings in the Borough 34 CHAPTER XXXIII. Mr. Weller the elder delivers some Critical Sentiments respecting Literary Composition ; and, assisted by his son Samuel, pays a small Instalment of Retaliation to the account of the Reverend Gentleman with the Red Nose .... 51 CHAPTER XXXIV. Is wholly devoted to a full and faithful Report of the memorable Trial of Bardell against Pickwick 71 vi CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXXV. PAGE In which Mr. Pickwick thinks he had better go to Bath ; and goes accordingly .......... 100 CHAPTER XXXVI. The chief features of which, will be found to be an authentic Version of the Legend of Prince Bladud, and a most extra- ordinary Calamity that befell Mr. Winkle . . . .119 CHAPTER XXXVII. Honourably accounts for Mr. Weller's Absence, by describing a Soiree to which he was invited, and went ; also relates how he was entrusted by Mr. Pickwick with a Private Mission of Delicacy and Importance 133 CHAPTER XXXVIII. How Mr. Winkle, when he stepped out of the Frying-pan, walked gently and comfortably into the Fire ..... 149 CHAPTER XXXIX. Mr. Samuel Weller, being entrusted with a Mission of Love, pro- ceeds to execute it ; with what success will hereinafter appear 166 CHAPTER XL. Introduces Mr. Pickwick to a new, and not uninteresting Scene, in the great Drama of Life ....... 185 CHAPTER XLI. What befell Mr. Pickwick when he got into the Fleet ; what Prisoners he saw there ; and how he passed the Night . . 200 CHAPTER XLII. Illustrative, like the preceding one, of the old Proverb that Ad- versity brings a Man acquainted with strange Bed-fellows. Likewise containing Mr. Pickwick's extraordinary and start- ling announcement to Mr. Samuel Weller .... 216 CONTENTS. vii CHAPTER XLTII. PACE Showing how Mr. Samuel Weller got into Difficulties . . . 234 CHAPTER XLIV. Treats of divers little Matters which occurred in the Fleet, and of Mr. Winkle's mysterious Behaviour ; and shows how the poor Chancery Prisoner obtained his Release at last . . . 250 CHAPTER XLV. Descriptive of an Affecting Interview between Mr. Samuel Weller and a Family Party. Mr. Pickwick makes a Tour of the diminutive World he inhabits, and resolves to mix with it, in future, as little as possible ....... 267 CHAPTER XLVI. Records a touching Act of delicate Feeling, not unmixed with Pleasantry, achieved and performed by Messrs. Dodson and . . .288 CHAPTER XLVII. Is chiefly devoted to Matters of Business, and the temporal Ad- vantage of Dodson and Fogg. Mr. Winkle re-appears under extraordinary circumstances. Mr. Pickwick's Benevolence proves stronger than his Obstinacy 301 CHAPTER XLVIII. Relates how Mr. Pickwick, with the assistance of Samuel Weller, essayed to soften the heart of Mr. Benjamin Allen, and to mollify the wrath of Mr. Robert Sawyer . . . .316 CHAPTER XLIX. Containing the Story of the Bagman's Uncle .... 332 CHAPTER L. How Mr. Pickwick sped upon his Mission, and how he was re- inforced, in the Outset, by a most unexpected Auxiliary . 353 viii CONTENTS. CHAPTER LI. PAGE In which Mr. Pickwick encounters an old Acquaintance. To which fortunate circumstance the Reader is mainly indebted for matter of thrilling interest herein set down, concerning two great Public Men of might and power . . . .371 CHAPTER LII. Involving a serious Change in the Weller Family, and the untimely Downfall of the red-nosed Mr. Stiggins 389 CHAPTER LIII. Comprising the final Exit of Mr. Jingle and Job Trotter ; with a Great Morning of Business in Gray's Inn Square. Concluding with a Double Knock at Mr. Perker's door .... 404 CHAPTER UV. Containing some Particulars relative to the Double Knock, and other Matters, among which certain Interesting Disclosures relative to Mr. Snodgrass and a Young Lady are by no means irrelevant to this History 420 CHAPTER LV. Mr. Solomon Pell, assisted by a Select Committee of Coachmen, arranges the Affairs of the elder Mr. Weller . . .439 CHAPTER LVI. An important Conference takes place between Mr. Pickwick and Samuel Weller, at which his Parent assists. An old Gentle- man in a snuff-coloured Suit arrives unexpectedly . . . 454 CHAPTER LVI I. In which the Pickwick Club is finally dissolved, and everything concluded to the satisfaction of everybody .... 469 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. VOL. II. PAGE MR. PICKWICK SLIDES Frontispiece THE FIRST INTERVIEW WITH MR. SERJEANT SNUBBIN . . 29 THE VALENTINE 56 THE TRIAL .81 THE CARD-ROOM AT BATH 117 MR. WINKLE'S SITUATION WHEN THE DOOR " BLEW TO " . . 131 CONVIVIALITY AT BOB SAWYER'S 158 MR. PICKWICK SITS FOR HIS PORTRAIT 198 THE WARDEN'S ROOM 208 DISCOVERY OP JINGLE IN THE FLEET 228 THE RED-NOSED MAN DISCOTJRSETH 276 MRS. BARDELL ENCOUNTERS MR. PICKWICK IN THE PRISON . 299 MR. WINKLE RETURNS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES 309 THE GHOSTLY PASSENGERS IN THE GHOST OF A MAIL . . 341 MR. BOB SAWYER'S MODE OF TRAVELLING 357 THE RIVAL EDITORS 385 MARY AND THE FAT BOY 429 WELLE B AND HIS FRIENDS DRINKING TO MR. PELL . . . 447 POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB. CHAPTER XXX. HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINT- ANCE OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PROFESSIONS ; HOW THEY DISPORTED THEM- SELVES ON THE ICE; AND HOW THEIR FIRST VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION. " WELL, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick as that favoured servitor entered his bed-chamber with his warm water, on the morning of Christmas Day, " Still frosty ?" "Water in the wash-hand basin's a mask o 1 ice, sir," re- sponded Sam. " Severe weather, Sam," observed Mr. Pickwick. "Fine time for them as is well wropped up, as the Polar Bear said to himself, ven he was practising his skating," replied Mr. Weller. " I shall be down in a quarter of an hour, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, untying his nightcap. "Wery good, sir," replied Sam. "There's a couple o' Sawbones down stairs." " A couple of what ! " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sitting up in bed. "A couple o 1 Sawbones," said Sam, VOL. ii. B 2 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "What's a Sawbones?"" inquired Mr. Pickwick, not quite certain whether it was a live animal, or something to eat. " What ! Don't you know what a Sawbones is, sir ? " inquired Mr. Weller. "I thought everybody know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon.* "Oh, a Surgeon, eh?" said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. "Just that, sir," replied Sam. "These here ones as is below, though, aint regular thorough-bred Sawbones ; they're only in trainin'." " In other words they're Medical Students, I suppose ? " said Mr. Pickwick. Sam Weller nodded assent. " I am glad of it," said Mr. Pickwick, casting his nightcap energetically on the counterpane, " They are fine fellows ; very fine fellows.; with judgments matured by observation and reflection ; tastes refined by reading and study. I am very glad of it." " They're a smokin* cigars by the kitchen fire," said Sam. " Ah ! " observed Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands, " over- flowing with kindly feelings and animal spirits. Just what I like to see." "And one on 'em," said Sam, not noticing his master's interruption, u one on 'em's got his legs on the table, and is a drinkin' brandy neat, vile the tother one him in the barnacles has got a barrel o' oysters atween his knees, wich he's a openin' like steam, and as fast as he eats 'em, he takes a aim vith the shells at young dropsy, who's a sittin' down fast asleep, in the chimbley corner." " Eccentricities of genius, Sam,' 1 said Mr. Pickwick. " You may retire." Sam did retire accordingly ; Mr. Pickwick, at the expiration of the quarter of an hour, went down to breakfast. "Here he is at last!" said old Mr. Wardle. "Pickwick, this is Miss Allen's brother, Mr. Benjamin Allen. Ben we call him, and So may you if you like. This gentleman is his very particular friend, Mr. I 1 * MR. BOB SAWYER. 3 " Mr. Bob Sawyer," interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen ; where- upon Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen laughed in concert. Mr. Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer, and Bob Sawyer bowed to Mr. Pickwick; Bob and his very particular friend then applied themselves most assiduously to the eatables before them ; and Mr. Pickwick had an opportunity of glancing at them both. ^Mr. Benjamin Allen was a coarse, stout, thick-set young man, with black hair cut rather short, and a white face cut rather long. He was embellished with spectacles, and wore a white neckerchief. Below his single-breasted black surtout, which was buttoned up to his chin, appeared the usual number of pepper-and-salt coloured legs, terminating in a pair of imperfectly polished boots. Although his coat was short in the sleeves, it disclosed no vestige of a linen wristband ; and although there was quite enough of his face to admit of the encroachment of a shirt collar, it was not graced by the smallest approach to that appendage. He presented, alto- gether, rather a mildewy appearance, and emitted a fragrant odour of full-flavoured Cubas. Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was habited in a coarse blue coat, which, without being either a great-coat or a surtout, partook of the nature and qualities of both, had about him that sort of slovenly smartness, and swaggering gait, which is peculiar to young gentlemen who smoke in the streets by day, shout and scream in the same by night, call waiters by their Christian names, and do various other acts and deeds of an equally facetious description. He wore a pair of plaid trousers, and a large rough double-breasted waistcoat; out of doors, he carried a thick stick with a big top. He eschewed gloves, and looked, upon the whole, something like a dissipated Robinson Crusoe. Such were the two worthies to whom Mr. Pickwick was introduced, as he took his seat at the breakfast table on Christmas morning. 4 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Splendid morning, gentlemen," said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the proposi- tion, and asked Mr. Benjamin Allen for the mustard. "Have you come far this morning, gentlemen?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. '* Blue Lion at Muggleton," briefly responded Mr. Allen. "You should have joined us last night,"" said Mr. Pickwick. " So we should," replied Bob Sawyer, " but the brandy was too good to leave in a hurry : wasn't it, Ben ? v " Certainly," said Mr. Benjamin Allen ; " and the cigars were not bad, or the pork chops either: were they, Bob?" " Decidedly not," said Bob. The particular friends resumed their attack upon the breakfast, more freely than before, as if the recollection of last night's supper had imparted a new relish to the meal. "Peg away, Bob," said Mr. Allen to his companion, en- couragingly. " So I do," replied Bob Sawyer. And so, to do him justice, he did. "Nothing like dissecting, to give one an appetite," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, looking round the table. Mr. Pickwick slightly shuddered. "By the bye, Bob," said Mr. Allen, "have you finished that leg yet?" "Nearly," replied Sawyer, helping himself to half a fowl as he spoke. " It's a very muscular one for a child's." "Is it?" inquired Mr. Allen, carelessly. " Very," said Bob Sawyer, with his mouth full. "I've put my name down for an arm, at our place," said Mr. Allen. " We're clubbing for a subject, and the list is nearly full, only we can't get hold of any fellow that wants a head. I wish you'd take it." " No," replied Bob Sawyer ; " can't afford expensive luxuries." "Nonsense !" said Allen. " Can't indeed," rejoined Bob Sawyer. " I wouldn't mind a brain, but I couldn't stand a whole head." ARABELLA AND HER BROTHER. 5 " Hush, hush, gentlemen, pray," said Mr. Pickwick, " I hear the ladies." As Mr. Pickwick spoke, the ladies, gallantly escorted by Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, returned from an early walk. "Why, Ben!" said Arabella, in a tone which expressed more surprise than pleasure at the sight of her brother. " Come to take you home to-morrow," replied Benjamin. Mr. Winkle turned pale. "Don't you see Bob Sawyer, Arabella ?" inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, somewhat reproachfully. Arabella gracefully held out her hand, in acknowledgement of Bob Sawyer's presence. A thrill of hatred struck to Mr. Winkle's heart, as Bob Sawyer inflicted on the proffered hand a perceptible squeeze. "Ben, dear!" said Arabella, blushing; "have have you been introduced to Mr. Winkle?" " I have not been, but I shall be very happy to be, Arabella," replied her brother gravely. Here Mr. Allen bowed grimly to Mr. Winkle, while Mr. Winkle and Mr. Bob Sawyej- glanced mutual distrust out of the corners of their eyes. The arrival of the two new visitors, and the consequent check upon Mr. Winkle and the young lady with the fur round her boots, would in all probability have proved a very unpleasant interruption to the hilarity of the party, had not the cheerfulness of Mr. Pickwick, and the good humour of the host, been exerted to the very utmost for the common weal. Mr. Winkle gradually insinuated himself into the good graces of Mr. Benjamin Allen, and even joined in a friendly conversation with Mr. Bob Sawyer; who, enlivened with the brandy, and the breakfast, and the talking, gradually ripened into a state of extreme facetiousness, and related with much glee an agreeable anecdote, about the removal of a tumour on some gentleman's head : which he illustrated by means of an oyster-knife and a half-quartern loaf, to the great edification of the assembled company. Then, the whole train went to 6 THE PICKWICK CLUB. church, where Mr. Benjamin Allen fell fast asleep : while Mr. Bob Sawyer abstracted his thoughts from worldly matters, by the ingenious process of carving his name on the seat of the pew, in corpulent letters of four inches long. "Now," said Wardle, after a substantial lunch, with the agreeable items of strong-beer and cherry -brandy, had been done ample justice to ; " what say you to an hour on the ice ? We shall have plenty of time." " Capital ! " said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Prime!" ejaculated Mr. Bob Sawyer. " You skate, of course, Winkle ? " said Wardle. " Ye-yes ; oh, yes," replied Mr. Winkle. " I I am rather out of practice." " Oh, do skate, Mr. Winkle," said Arabella. " I like to see it so much." "Oh, it is so graceful," said another young lady. A third young lady said it was elegant, and a fourth expressed her opinion that it was "swan-like." "I should be very happy, I'm sure," said Mr. Winkle, reddening; "but I have no skates." This objection was at once overruled. Trundle had a couple of pair, and the fat boy announced that there were half-a-dozen more down stairs : whereat Mr. Winkle expressed exquisite delight, and looked exquisitely uncomfortable. Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of ice ; and the fat boy and Mr. Weller, having shovelled and swept away the snow which had fallen on it during the night, Mr. Bob Sawyer adjusted his skates with a dexterity which to Mr. Winkle was perfectly marvellous, and described circles with his left leg, and cut figures of eight, and inscribed upon the ice, without once stopping for breath, a great many other pleasant and astonishing devices, to the excessive satisfaction of Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, and the ladies : which reached a pitch of positive enthusiasm, when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen, assisted by the aforesaid Bob Sawyer, performed some mystic evolutions, which they called a reel. MR. WINKLE ON SKATES. 7 All this time, Mr. Winkle, with his face and hands blue with the cold, had been forcing a gimlet into the soles of his feet, and putting his skates on, with the points behind, and getting the straps into a very complicated and entangled state, with the assistance of Mr. Snodgrass, who knew rather less about skates than a Hindoo. At length, however, with the assistance of Mr. Weller, the unfortunate skates were firmly screwed and buckled on, and Mr. Winkle was raised to his feet. "Now, then, sir," said Sam, in an encouraging tone; "off vith you, and show 'em how to do it. 11 " Stop, Sam, stop ! " said Mr. Winkle, trembling violently, and clutching hold of Sam's arms with the grasp of a drowning man. " How slippery it is, Sam ! " "Not an uncommon thing upon ice, sir," replied Mr. Weller. " Hold up, sir !" This last observation of Mr. Welter's bore reference to a demonstration Mr. Winkle made at the instant, of a frantic desire to throw his feet in the air, and dash the back of his head on the ice. " These these are very awkward skates ; ain't they, Sam ? " inquired Mr. Winkle, staggering. "I'm afeerd there's a orkard genTm'n in 'em, sir," replied Sam. "Now, Winkle," cried Mr. Pickwick, quite unconscious that there was anything the matter. " Come ; the ladies are all anxiety." "Yes, yes," replied Mr. Winkle, with a ghastly smile. " I'm coming." "Just a goin' to begin," said Sam, endeavouring to dis- engage himself. "Now, sir, start off!" "Stop an instant, Sam," gasped Mr. Winkle, clinging most affectionately to Mr. Weller. " I find I've got a couple of coats at home that I don't want, Sam. You may have them, Sam." " Thank'ee, sir," replied Mr. Weller. 8 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Never mind touching your hat, Sam," said Mr. Winkle, hastily. " You needn't take your hand away to do that. I meant to have given you five shillings this morning for a Christmas-box, Sam. I'll give it you this afternoon, Sam." " You're wery good, sir," replied Mr. Weller. " Just hold me at first, Sam ; will you ? " said Mr. Winkle. "There that's right. I shall soon get in the way of it, Sam. Not too fast, Sam ; not too fast." Mr. Winkle stooping forward, with his body half doubled up, was being assisted over the ice by Mr. Weller, in a very singular and un-swan-like manner, when Mr. Pickwick most innocently shouted from the opposite bank : " Sam ! " "Sir?" " Here. I want you." " Let go, sir," said Sam. " Don't you hear the governor a callin'? Let go, sir." With a violent effort, Mr. Weller disengaged himself from the grasp of the agonised Pickwickian, and, in so doing, administered a considerable impetus to the unhappy Mr. Winkle. With an accuracy which no degree of dexterity or practice could have insured, that unfortunate gentleman bore swiftly down into the centre of the reel, at the very moment when Mr. Bob Sawyer was performing a flourish of unparal- leled beauty. Mr. Winkle struck wildly against him, and with a loud crash they both fell heavily down. Mr. Pickwick ran to the spot. Bob Sawyer had risen to his feet, but Mr. Winkle was far too wise to do anything of the kind, in skates. He was seated on the ice, making spasmodic efforts to smile ; but anguish was depicted on every lineament of his counte- nance. " Are you hurt ? " inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, with great anxiety. " Not much," said Mr. Winkle, rubbing his back very hard. "I wish you'd let me bleed you," said Mr. Benjamin, with great eagerness. ON THE ICE. 9 " No, thank you," replied Mr. Winkle hurriedly. "I really think you had better, 11 said Allen. " Thank you," replied Mr. Winkle ; " Pd rather not." " What do you think, Mr. Pickwick ?" inquired Bob Sawyer. Mr. Pickwick was excited and indignant. He beckoned to Mr. Weller, and said in a stern voice, "Take his skates off." " No ; but really I had scarcely begun," remonstrated Mr. Winkle. " Take his skates off," repeated Mr. Pickwick firmly. The command was not to be resisted. Mr. Winkle allowed Sam to obey it in silence. " Lift him up," said Mr. Pickwick. Sam assisted him to rise. Mr. Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the by-standers ; and, beckoning his friend to approach, fixed a searching look upon him, and uttered in a low, but distinct and emphatic tone, these remarkable words : " You're a humbug, sir." "A what?" said Mr. Winkle, starting. "A humbug, sir. I will speak plainer, if you wish it. An impostor, sir." With those words, Mr. Pickwick turned slowly on his heel, and rejoined his friends. While Mr. Pickwick was delivering himself of the sentiment just recorded, Mr. Weller and the fat boy, having by their joint endeavours cut out a slide, were exercising themselves thereupon, in a very masterly and brilliant manner. Sam Weller, in particular, was displaying that beautiful feat of fancy-sliding which is currently denominated "knocking at the cobbler's door," and which is achieved by skimming over the ice on one foot, and occasionally giving a postman's knock upon it with the other. It was a good long slide, and there was something in the motion which Mr. Pickwick, who was very cold with standing still, could not help envying. "It looks a nice warm exercise that, doesn't it?" he inquired of Wardle, when that gentleman was thoroughly 10 THE PICKWICK CLUB. out of breath, by reason of the indefatigable manner in which he had converted his legs into a pair of compasses, and drawn complicated problems on the ice. "All, it does indeed," replied Wardle. "Do you slide ?" " I used to do so, on the gutters, when I was a boy, 111 replied Mr. Pickwick. "Try it now," said Wardle. " Oh do please, Mr. Pickwick ! " cried all the ladies. "I should be very happy to afford you any amusement," replied Mr. Pickwick, "but I haven't done such a thing these thirty years." " Pooh ! pooh ! Nonsense ! " said Wardle, dragging off his skates with the impetuosity which characterised all his pro- ceedings. " Here ; Til keep you company ; come along ! " And away went the good tempered old fellow down the slide, with a rapidity which came very close upon Mr. Weller, and beat the fat boy all to nothing. Mr. Pickwick paused, considered, pulled off his gloves and put them in his hat: took two or three short runs, baulked himself as often, and at last took another run, and went sloAvly and gravely down the slide, with his feet about a yard and a quarter apart, amidst the gratified shouts of all the spectators. " Keep the pot a bilin 1 , sir ! " said Sam ; and down went Wardle again, and then Mr. Pickwick, and then Sam, and then Mr. Winkle, and then Mr. Bob Sawyer, and then the fat boy, and then Mr. Snodgrass, following closely upon each other's heels, and running after each other with as much eagerness as if all their future prospects in life depended on their expedition. It was the most intensely interesting thing, to observe the manner in which Mr. Pickwick performed his share in the ceremony ; to watch the torture of anxiety with which he viewed the person behind, gaining upon him at the imminent hazard of tripping him up ; to see him gradually expend the painful force he had put on at first, and turn slowly round A CATASTROPHE. 11 on the slide, with his face towards the point from which he had started ; to contemplate the playful smile which mantled on his face when he had accomplished the distance, and the eagerness with which he turned round when he had done so, and ran after his predecessor : his black gaiters tripping pleasantly through the snow, and his eyes beaming cheerfulness and gladness through his spectacles. And when he was knocked down (which happened upon the average every third round), it was the most invigorating sight that can possibly be imagined, to behold him gather up his hat, gloves, and handkerchief, with a glowing countenance, and resume his station in the rank, with an ardour and enthusiasm that nothing could abate. The sport was at its height, the sliding was at the quickest, the laughter was at the loudest, when a sharp smart crack was heard. There was a quick rush towards the bank, a wild scream from the ladies, and a shout from Mr. Tupman. A large mass of ice disappeared ; the water bubbled up over it ; Mr. Pickwick's hat, gloves, and handkerchief were floating on the surface ; and this was all of Mr. Pickwick that any- body could see. Dismay and anguish were depicted on every countenance, the males turned pale, and the females fainted, Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle grasped each other by the hand, and gazed at the spot where their leader had gone down, with frenzied eagerness: while Mr. Tupman, by way of rendering the promptest assistance, and at the same time conveying to any persons who might be within hearing, the clearest possible notion of the catastrophe, ran off across the country at his utmost speed, screaming " Fire ! M with all his might. It was at this moment, when old Wardle and Sam Weller were approaching the hole with cautious steps, and Mr. Benjamin Allen was holding a hurried consultation with Mr. Bob Sawyer, on the advisability of bleeding the company generally, as an improving little bit of professional practice it was at this very moment, that a face, head, and shoulders, 12 THE PICKWICK CLUB. emerged from beneath the water, and disclosed the features and spectacles of Mr. Pickwick. " Keep yourself up for an instant for only one instant ! " bawled Mr. Snodgrass. " Yes, do ; let me implore you for my sake ! "" roared Mr. Winkle, deeply affected. The adjuration was rather unneces- sary ; the probability being, that if Mr. Pickwick had declined to keep himself up for anybody else's sake, it would have oc- curred to him that he might as well do so, for his own. "Do you feel the bottom there, old fellow?" said Wardle. " Yes, certainly, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick, wringing the water from his head and face, and gasping for breath. " I fell upon my back. I couldn't get on my feet at first." The clay upon so much of Mr. Pickwick's coat as was yet visible, bore testimony to the accuracy of this statement ; and as the fears of the spectators were still further relieved by the fat boy's suddenly recollecting that the water was nowhere more than five feet deep, prodigies of valour were performed to get him out. After a vast quantity of splashing, and cracking, and struggling, Mr. Pickwick was at length fairly extricated from his unpleasant position, and once more stood on dry land. " Oh, he'll catch his death of cold," said Emily. "Dear old thing! 11 said Arabella. "Let me wrap this shawl round you, Mr. Pickwick." "Ah, that's the best thing you can do, 11 said Wardle; "and when youVe got it on, run home as fast as your legs can carry you, and jump into bed directly." A dozen shawls were offered on the instant. Three or four of the thickest having been selected, Mr. Pickwick was wrapped up, and started off, under the guidance of Mr. Weller : pre- senting the singular phenomenon of an elderly gentleman, dripping wet, and without a hat, with his arms bound down to his sides, skimming over the ground, without any clearly defined purpose, at the rate of six good English miles an hour. But Mr. Pickwick cared not for appearances in such an extreme case, and urged on by Sam Weller, he kept at the THE JOVIAL PARTY BREAKS UP. 13 very top of his speed until he reached the door of Manor Farm, where Mr. Tupman had arrived some five minutes before, and had frightened the old lady into palpitations of the heart by impressing her with the unalterable conviction that the kitchen chimney was on fire a calamity which always presented itself in glowing colours to the old lady's mind, when anybody about her evinced the smallest agitation. Mr. Pickwick paused not an instant until he was snug in bed. Sam Weller lighted a blazing fire in the room, and took up his dinner ; a bowl of punch was carried up afterwards, and a grand carouse held in honour of his safety. Old Wardle would not hear of his rising, so they made the bed the chair, and Mr. Pickwick presided. A second and a third bowl were ordered in ; and when Mr. Pickwick awoke next morning, there was not a symptom of rheumatism about him : which proves, as Mr. Bob Sawyer very justly observed, that there is nothing like hot punch in such cases : and that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a preventive, it was merely because the patient fell into the vulgar error of not taking enough of it. The jovial party broke up next morning. Breakings up are capital things in our school days, but in after life they are painful enough. Death, self-interest, and fortune's changes, are every day breaking up many a happy group, and scattering them far and wide ; and the boys and girls never come back again. We do not mean to say that it was exactly the case in this particular instance; all we wish to inform the reader is, that the different members of the party dispersed to their several homes; that Mr. Pickwick and his friends once more took their seats on the top of the Muggleton coach; and that Arabella Allen repaired to her place of destination, wherever it might have been we dare say Mr. Winkle knew, but we confess we don't under the care and guardianship of her brother Benjamin, and his most intimate and particular friend, Mr. Bob Sawyer. Before they separated, however, that gentlemen and Mr. 14 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Benjamin Allen drew Mr. Pickwick aside with an air of some mystery : and Mr. Bob Sawyer thrusting his forefinger between two of Mr. Pickwick's ribs, and thereby displaying his native drollery, and his knowledge of the anatomy of the human frame, at one and the same time, inquired : "I say, old boy, where do you hang out? 11 Mr. Pickwick replied that he was at present suspended at the George and Vulture. "I wish you'd come and see me, 11 said Bob Sawyer. "Nothing would give me greater pleasure, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick. , gjjf "There^ my lodgings, 11 said Mr. Bob Sawyer, producing a card. " Lant Street, Borough ; ifs near GuyX and handy for me, you know. Little distance after youVe passed Saint George's Church turns out of the High Street on the right hand side the way. 11 "I shall find it, 11 said Mr. Pickwick. "Come on Thursday fortnight, and bring the other chaps with you, 11 said Mr. Bob Sawyer, " I'm going to have a few medical fellows that night. Mr. Pickwick expressed the pleasure it would afford him to meet the medical fellows ; and after Mr. Bob Sawyer had informed him that he meant to be very cosey, and that his friend Ben was to be one of the party, they shook hands and separated. We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the inquiry whether Mr. Winkle was whispering, during this brief conversation, to Arabella Allen ; and if so, what he said ; and furthermore, whether Mr. Snodgrass was conversing apart with Emily Wardle; and if so, what fie said. To this, we reply, that whatever they might have said to the ladies, they said nothing at all to Mr. Pickwick or Mr. Tupman for eight-and- twenty miles, and that they sighed very often, refused ale and brandy, and looked gloomy. If our observant lady readers can deduce any satisfactory inferences from these facts, we beg them by all means to do so. CHAPTER XXXI. WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES LEARNED THEREIN. SCATTERED about, in various holes and corners of the Temple, are certain dark and dirty chambers, in and out of which, all the morning in Vacation, and half the evening too in Term time, there may be seen constantly hurrying with bundles of papers under their arms, and protruding from their pockets, an almost uninterrupted succession of Lawyers 1 Clerks. There are several grades of Lawyers' Clerks. There is the Articled Clerk, who has paid a premium, and is an attorney in perspective, who runs a tailor's bill, receives invitations to parties, knows a family in Gower Street, and another in v Tavistock Square : who goes out of town every Long Vacation to see his father, who keeps live horses innumerable ; and who is, in short, the very aristocrat of clerks. There is the salaried clerk out of door, or in door, as the case may be who devotes the major part of his thirty shillings a week to his personal pleasure and adornment, repairs half-price to the Adelphi Theatre at least three times a week, dissipates majestically at the cider cellars afterwards, and is a dirty caricature of the fashion which expired six months ago. There is the middle-aged copying clerk, with a large family, who is always shabby, and often drunk. And there are the office lads in their first surtouts, who feel a befitting contempt for boys at day-schools : club as they go home at night, for . 16 THE PICKWICK CLUB. saveloys and porter: and think there's nothing like "life. 11 There are varieties of the genus, too numerous to recapitulate, but however numerous they may be, they are all to be seen, at certain regulated business hours, hurrying to and from the places we have just mentioned. These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal profession, where writs are issued, judgments signed, declarations iiled, and numerous other ingenious machines put in motion for the torture and torment of His Majesty's liege subjects, and the comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the law. They are, for the most part, low-roofed, mouldy rooms, where innumerable rolls of parchment, which have been perspiring in secret for the last century, send forth an agreeable odour, which is mingled by day with the scent of the dry rot, and by night with the various exhalations which arise from damp cloaks, festering umbrellas, and the coarsest tallow candles. About half-past seven o'clock in the evening, some ten days or a fortnight after Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned to London, there hurried into one of these offices, an individual in a brown coat and brass buttons, whose long hair was scrupulously twisted round the rim of his napless hat, and whose soiled drab trousers were so tightly strapped over his Blucher boots, that his knees threatened every moment to start from their concealment. He produced from his coat pockets a long and narrow strip of parchment, on which the presiding functionary impressed an illegible black stamp. He then drew forth four scraps of paper, of similar dimensions, each containing a printed copy of the strip of parchment with blanks for a name; and having filled up the blanks, put all the five documents in his pocket, and hurried away. The man in the brown coat, with the cabalistic documents in his pocket, was no other than our old acquaintance Mr. Jackson, of the house of Dodson and Fogg, Freeman's Court, Cornhill. Instead of returning to the office from whence he came, however, he bent his steps direct to Sun Court, and MR. JACKSON ON BUSINESS. 17 walking straight into the George and Vulture, demanded to know whether one Mr. Pickwick was within. " Call Mr. Pickwick's servant, Tom," said the barmaid of the George and Vulture. "Don't trouble yourself," said Mr. Jackson, "I've come on business. If you'll show me Mr. Pickwick's room I'll step up myself." " What name, sir ? " said the waiter. "Jackson," replied the clerk. The waiter stepped up stairs to announce Mr. Jackson ; but Mr. Jackson saved him the trouble by following close at his heels, and walking into the apartment before he could articulate a syllable. Mr. Pickwick had, that day, invited his three friends to dinner; they were all seated round the fire, drinking their wine, when Mr. Jackson presented himself, as above described. "How de do, sir?" said Mr. Jackson, nodding to Mr. Pickwick. That gentleman bowed, and looked somewhat surprised, for the physiognomy of Mr. Jackson dwelt not in his recol- lection. " I have called from Dodson and Fogg's," said Mr. Jackson, in an explanatory tone. Mr. Pickwick roused at the name. " I refer you to my attorney, sir : Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn," said he. " Waiter, show this gentleman out." " Beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick," said Jackson, deliberately depositing his hat on the floor, and drawing from his pocket the strip of parchment. "But personal service, by clerk or agent, in these cases, you know, Mr. Pickwick nothing like caution, sir, in all legal forms ? " Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on the parchment ; and, resting his hands on the table, and looking round with a winning and persuasive smile, said : " Now, come ; don't let's have no words about such a little matter as this. Which of you gentlemen's name's Snodgrass ? " VOL. ii. c 18 THE PICKWICK CLUB. At this inquiry Mr. Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised and palpable start, that no further reply was needed. " Ah ! I thought so," said Mr. Jackson, more affably than before. "I've got a little something to trouble you with, sir. 1 ' " Me ! exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass. " It's only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the plaintiff," replied Jackson, singling out one of the slips of paper, and producing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket. "It'll come on, in the settens after Term; fourteenth of Febooary, we expect; we've marked it a special jury cause, and it's only ten down the paper. That's yours, Mr. Snodgrass." As Jackson said this he presented the parchment before the eyes of Mr. Snodgrass, and slipped the paper and the shilling into his hand. Mr. Tupman had witnessed this process in silent astonish- ment, when Jackson, turning sharply upon him, said: " I think I ain't mistaken when I say your name's Tupman, am I?" Mr. Tupman looked at Mr. Pickwick; but, perceiving no encouragement in that gentleman's widely-opened eyes to deny his name, said : "Yes, my name is Tupman, sir." "And that other gentleman's Mr. Winkle, I think?" said Jackson. Mr. Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative ; and both gentlemen were forthwith invested with a slip of paper, and a shilling each, by the dexterous Mr. Jackson. "Now," said Jackson, "I'm afraid you'll think me rather troublesome, but I want somebody else, if it ain't inconvenient. I have Samuel Weller's name here, Mr. Pickwick." "Send my servant here, waiter," said Mr. Pickwick. The waiter retired, considerably astonished, and Mr. Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat. There was a painful pause, which was at length broken by the innocent defendant. LEGAL SERVICE. 19 " I suppose, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, his indignation rising while he spoke ; " I suppose, sir, that it is the intention of your employers to seek to criminate me upon the testimony of my own friends ? " Mr. Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left side of his nose, to intimate that he was not there to disclose the secrets of the prison-house, and playfully rejoined : "Not knowing can't say." " For what other reason, sir," pursued Mr. Pickwick, " are these subpoenas served upon them, if not for this ? " "Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick," replied Jackson, slowly shaking his head. "But it won't do. No harm in trying, but there's little to be got out of me." Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more upon the company, and, applying his left thumb to the tip of his nose, worked a visionary coffee-mill with his right hand : thereby performing a very graceful piece of pantomime (then much in vogue, but now, unhappily, almost obsolete) which was familiarly de- nominated " taking a grinder. ' "No, no, Mr. Pickwick," said Jackson, in conclusion; " Perker's people must guess what we've served these subpoenas for. If they can't, they must wait till the action comes on, and then they'll find out." Mr. Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his unwelcome visitor, and would probably have hurled some tremendous anathema at the heads of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, had not Sam's entrance at the instant interrupted him. "Samuel Weller?" said Mr. Jackson, inquiringly. " Vun o' the truest things as you've said for many a long year," replied Sam, in a most composed manner. " Here's a subpoena for you, Mr. Weller," said Jackson. " What's that in English ? " inquired Sam. " Here's the original," said Jackson, declining the required explanation. "Which?" said Sam. "This," replied Jackson, shaking the parchment. 20 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Oh, that's the 'rig'nal, is it ? ' said Sam. " Well, I'm wery glad I've seen the 'rig'nal, cos it's a gratifyin' sort o' thing, and eases vun's mind so much." " And here's the shilling," said Jackson. " It's from Dodson and Fogg's.' "And it's uncommon handsome o' Dodson and Fogg, as knows so little of me, to come down vith a present," said Sam. " I feel it as a wery high compliment, sir ; it's a wery hon'rable thing to them, as they knows how to reward merit werever they meets it. Besides wich, it's affectin' to one's feelin's." As Mr. Weller said this, he inflicted a little friction on his right eye-lid, with the sleeve of his coat, after the most approved manner of actors when they are in domestic pathetics. Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sam's proceedings ; but, as he had served the subprenas, and had nothing more to say, he made a feint of putting on the one glove which he usually carried in his hand, for the sake of appearances; and returned to the office to report progress. Mr. Pickwick slept little that night; his memory had received a very disagreeable refresher on the subject of Mrs. Bardell's action. He breakfasted betimes next morning, and, desiring Sam to accompany him, set forth towards Gray's Inn Square. "Sam!" said Mr. Pickwick, looking round, when they got to the end of Cheapside. "Sir?' said Sam, stepping up to his master. "Which way?" " Up Newgate Street." Mr. Pickwick did not turn round immediately, but looked vacantly in Sam's face for a few seconds, and heaved a deep sigh. "What's the matter, sir?" inquired Sam. "This action, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "is expected to, come on, on the fourteenth pf ^?xt month." CELEBRATED SASSAGE FACTORY. 21 "Remarkable coincidence that 'ere, sir," replied Sam. " Why remarkable, Sam ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Walentine's day, sir, 11 responded Sam ; " regular good day for a breach o' promise trial. 1 ' Mr. Welter's smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his master's countenance. Mr. Pickwick turned abruptly round, and led the way in silence. They had walked some distance : Mr. Pickwick trotting on before, plunged in profound meditation, and Sam following behind, with a countenance expressive of the most enviable and easy defiance of everything and everybody : when the latter, who was always especially anxious to impart to his master any exclusive information he possessed, quickened his pace until he was close at Mr. Pickwick's heels ; and, pointing up at a house they were passing, said : " Wery nice pork-shop that 'ere, sir." " Yes, it seems so," said Mr. Pickwick. " Celebrated Sassage factory," said Sam. "Is it?" said Mr. Pickwick. " Is it ! " reiterated Sam, with some indignation ; " I should rayther think it was. Why, sir, bless your innocent eyebrows, that's where the mysterious disappearance of a 'spectable tradesman took place four year ago." " You don't mean to say he was burked, Sam ? " said Mr. Pickwick, looking hastily round. " No, I don't indeed, sir," replied Mr. Weller, " I wish I did ; far worse than that. He was the master o 1 that 'ere shop, sir, and the inwenter o 1 the patent-never-leavin'-off sassage steam ingine, as ud swaller up a pavin' stone if you put it too near, and grind it into sassages as easy as if it was a tender young babby. Wery proud o 1 that machine he was, as it was nat'ral he should be, and he'd stand down in the celler a lookin 1 at it wen it was in full play, till he got quite melancholy with joy. A wery happy man he'd ha 1 been, sir, in the procession o' that ere ingine and two more lovely hinfants besides, if it hadn't been for his wife, who was a most 22 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ow-dacious wixin. She was always a follerin' him about, and dinnin' in his ears, 'till at last he couldn't stand it no longer. * 111 tell you what it is, my dear,' he says one day ; * if you persewere in this here sort of amusement,'' he says, 'I'm blessed if I don't go away to 'Merriker; and that's all about it.' ' You're a idle willin,' says she, ' and I wish the 'Merrikins joy of their bargain.' Arter wich she keeps on abusin' of him for half an hour, and then runs into the little parlour behind the shop, sets to a screamin', says he'll be the death on her, and falls in a fit, which lasts for three good hours one o' them fits wich is all screamin' and kickin'. Well, next mornin', the husband was missin'. He hadn't taken nothin' from the till, hadn't even put on his great-coat so it was quite clear he warn't gone to Merriker. Didn't come back next day; didn't come back next week; Missis had bills printed, sayin that, if he'd come back, he should be forgiven everythin' (which was very liberal, seem' that he hadn't done nothin' at all); the canals was dragged, and for two months artervards, wenever a body turned up, it was carried, as a reg'lar thing, straight off to the sassage shop. Hows'ever, none on 'em answered ; so they gave out that he'd run avay, and she kep on the bis'ness. One Saturday night, a little thin old gen 1'm'n comes into the shop in a great passion and says, 'Are you the missis o' this here shop?' 'Yes, I am,' says she. 'Well, ma'am,' says he, 'then I've just looked in to say that me and my family ain't a goin' to be choked for nothin'; and more than that, ma am,' he says, 'you'll allow me to observe, that as you don't use the primest parts of the meat in the manafacter o' sassages, I think you'd find beef come nearly as cheap as buttons.' ' As buttons, sir ! ' says she. 'Buttons, ma'am,' says the little old gentleman, unfolding a bit of paper, and shewin' twenty or thirty halves o' buttons. 'Nice seasonin' for sassages, is trousers' buttons, ma'am.' ' They're my husband's buttons ! ' says the widder, beginnin' to faint. ' What ! ' screams the little old gen'l'm'n, turnin' wery pale. 'I see it all,' says the widder ; ' in a fit LEGAL FICTIONS. 23 of temporary insanity he rashly converted his-self into sassages ! ' And so he had, sir," said Mr. Weller, looking steadily into Mr. Pickwick's horror-stricken countenance, "or else he'd been draw'd into the ingine ; but however that might ha' been, the little old genTm'n, who had been remarkably partial to sassages all his life, rushed out o' the shop in a wild state, and was never heerd on artervards ! " The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master and man to Mr. Perker's chambers. Lowten, holding the door half open, was in conversation with a rustily-clad, miserable-looking man, in boots without toes and gloves without fingers. There were traces of privation and suffering almost of despair in his lank and care-worn countenance; he felt his poverty, for he shrunk to the dark side of the staircase as Mr. Pickwick approached. "It's very unfortunate, 1 ' said the stranger, with a sigh. " Very," said Lowten, scribbling his name on the door-post with his pen, and rubbing it out again with the feather. " Will you leave a message for him ? " " When do you think he'll be back ? n inquired the stranger. " Quite uncertain," replied Lowten, winking at Mr. Pickwick, as the stranger cast his eyes towards the ground. " You don't think it would be of any use my waiting for him ? " said the stranger, looking wistfully into the office. " Oh no, I'm sure it wouldn't," replied the clerk, moving a little more into the centre of the door- way. " He's certain not to be back this week, and it's a chance whether he will be next ; for when Perker once gets out of town, he's never in a hurry to come back again." " Out of town ! " said Mr. Pickwick ; " dear me, how un- fortunate ! " " Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick," said Lowten, " I've got a letter for you." The stranger seeming to hesitate, once more looked towards the ground, and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. Pickwick, as if to intimate that some exquisite piece of 24 THE PICKWICK CLUB. humour was going forward, though what it was Mr. Pickwick could not for the life of him divine. "Step in, Mr. Pickwick," said Lowten. "Well, will you leave a message, Mr. Watty, or will you call again ? " " Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done in my business, 1 said the man ; " for God's sake don't neglect it, Mr. Lowten." "No, no; I won't forget it," replied the clerk. "Walk in, Mr. Pickwick. Good morning, Mr. Watty ; it's a fine day for walking, isn't it ? " Seeing that the stranger still lingered, he beckoned Sam Weller to follow his master in, and shut the door in his face. "There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the world began, I do believe ! " said Lowten, throwing down his pen with the air of an injured man. " His affairs haven't been in Chancery quite four years yet, and Pm d d if he don't come worrying here twice a week. Step this way, Mr. Pickwick. Perker is in, and he'll see you, I know. Devilish cold," he added, pettishly, "standing at that door, wasting one's time with such seedy vagabonds ! " Having very vehemently stirred a particularly large fire with a particularly small poker, the clerk led the way to his principal's private room, and announced Mr. Pickwick. " Ah, my dear sir," said little Mr. Perker, bustling up from his chair. "Well, my dear sir, and what's the news about your matter, eh? Anything more about our friends in Freeman's Court? They've not been sleeping, / know that. Ah, they're very smart fellows; very smart, indeed." As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic pinch of snuff, as a tribute to the smartness of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. " They are great scoundrels," said Mr. Pickwick. "Aye, aye," said the little man; "that's a matter of opinion, you know, and we won't dispute about terms ; because of course you can't be expected to view these subjects with a professional eye. Well, we've done everything that's necessary. I have retained Serjeant Snubbin." CONFERENCE WITH MR. PERKER. 25 " Is he a good man ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Good man ! " replied Perker ; " bless your heart and soul, my dear sir, Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession. Gets treble the business of any man in court engaged in every case. You needn't mention it abroad ; but we say we of the profession that Serjeant Snubbin leads the court by the nose."" The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this communication, and nodded mysteriously to Mr. Pickwick. " They have subpcena'd my three friends," said Mr. Pickwick. " Ah ! of course they would,"" replied Perker. " Important witnesses ; saw you in a delicate situation." "But she fainted of her own accord," said Mr. Pickwick. " She threw herself into my arms." "Very likely, my dear sir," replied Perker; "very likely and very natural. Nothing more so, my dear sir, nothing. But who's to prove it?" " They have subpcena'd my servant too," said Mr. Pickwick, quitting the other point ; for there Mr. Perker's question had somewhat staggered him. " Sam ? ' said Perker. Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. " Of course, my dear sir; of course. I knew they would. I could have told you that, a month ago. You know, my dear sir, if you will take the management of your affairs into your own hands after intrusting them to your solicitor, you must also take the consequences." Here Mr. Perker drew himself up with conscious dignity, and brushed some stray grains of snuff from his shirt frill. "And what do they want him to prove?" asked Mr. Pickwick, after two or three minutes'" silence. "That you sent him up to the plaintiff's to make some offer of a compromise, I suppose," replied Perker. " It don't matter much, though ; I don't think many counsel could get a great deal out of him "I don't think they could," said Mr. Pickwick; smiling, 26 THE PICKWICK CLUB. despite his vexation, at the idea of Sam's appearance as a witness. "What course do we pursue ?" " We have only one to adopt, my dear sir," replied Perker ; " cross-examine the witnesses ; trust to Snubbing eloquence ; throw dust in the eyes of the judge ; throw ourselves on the " And suppose the verdict is against me ? " said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, stirred the fire, shrugged his shoulders, and remained expressively silent. "You mean that in that case I must pay the damages?"" said Mr. Pickwick, who had watched this telegraphic answer with considerable sternness. Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke, and said " I am afraid so."* " Then I beg to announce to you, my unalterable determina- tion to pay no damages whatever," said Mr. Pickwick, most emphatically. " None, Perker. Not a pound, not a penny, of my money, shall find its way into the pockets of Dodson and Fogg. That is my deliberate and irrevocable determination." Mr. Pickwick gave a heavy blow on the table before him, in confirmation of the irrevocability of his intention. " Very well, my dear sir, very well," said Perker. " You know best, of course." " Of course," replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. " Where does Serjeant Snubbin live?" "In Lincoln's Inn Old Square," replied Perker. "I should like to see him," said Mr. Pickwick. " See Serjeant Snubbin, my dear sir ! " rejoined Perker, in utter amazement. " Pooh, pooh, my dear sir, impossible. See Serjeant Snubbin ! Bless you, my dear sir, such a thing was never heard of, without a consultation fee being previously paid, and a consultation fixed. It couldn't be done, my dear sir ; it couldn't be done." Mr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind not only WITH THE SERJEANTS CLERK. 27 that it could be done, but that it should be done ; and the consequence was, that within ten minutes after he had received the assurance that the thing was impossible, he was conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of the great Serjeant Snubbin himself. It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, with a large writing-table drawn up near the fire : the baize top of which had long since lost all claim to its original hue of green, and had gradually grown grey with dust and age, except where all traces of its natural colour were obliterated by ink-stains. Upon the table were numerous little bundles of papers tied with red tape ; and behind it, sat an elderly clerk, whose sleek appearance, and heavy gold watch-chain, presented imposing indications of the extensive and lucrative practice of Mr. Serjeant Snubbin. "Is the Serjeant in his room, Mr. Mallard?" inquired Perker, offering his box with all imaginable courtesy. "Yes, he is,' 1 was the reply, "but he's very busy. Look here ; not an opinion given yet, on any one of these cases ; and an expedition fee paid with all of 'em. 11 The clerk smiled as he said this, and inhaled the pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness for snuff and a relish for fees. "Something like practice that," said Perker. " Yes," said the barrister's clerk, producing his own box, and offering it with the greatest cordiality ; " and the best of it is, that as nobody alive except myself can read the Serjeant's writing, they are obliged to wait for the opinions, when he has given them, till I have copied 'em, ha ha ha ! " " Which makes good for we know who, besides the Serjeant, and draws a little more out of the clients, eh ? " said Perker ; " Ha, ha, ha ! " At this the Serjeant's clerk laughed again ; not a noisy boisterous laugh, but a silent, internal chuckle, which Mr. Pickwick disliked to hear. When a man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself; but when he laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other people. 28 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " You haven't made me out that little list of the fees that I'm in your debt, have you?" said Perker. " No, I have not," replied the clerk. "I wish you would," said Perker. "Let me have them, and ril send you a cheque. But I suppose you're too busy pocketing the ready money, to think of the debtors, eh ? ha, ha, ha ! " This sally seemed to tickle the clerk amazingly, and he once more enjoyed a little quiet laugh to himself. "But, Mr. Mallard, my dear friend," said Perker, suddenly recovering his gravity, and drawing the great man's great man into a corner, by the lappel of his coat; "you must persuade the Serjeant to see me, and my client here." " Come, come," said the clerk, " that's not bad either. See the Serjeant ! come, that's too absurd." Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal, however, the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing of Mr. Pick- wick; and after a short conversation conducted in whispers, walked softly down a little dark passage, and disappeared into the legal luminary's sanctum : whence he shortly returned on tiptoe, and informed Mr. Perker and Mr. Pickwick that the Serjeant had been prevailed upon, in violation of all estab- lished rules and customs, to admit them at once. Mr. Serjeant Snubbin was a lantern-faced, sallow-com- plexioned man, of about five-and-forty, or as the novels say he might be fifty. He had that dull-looking boiled eye which is often to be seen in the heads of people who have applied themselves during many years to a weary and laborious course of study; and which would have been sufficient, with- out the additional eye-glass which dangled from a broad black riband round his neck, to warn a stranger that he was very near-sighted. His hair was thin and weak, which was partly attributable to his having never devoted much time to its arrangement, and partly to his having worn for five-and-twenty years the forensic wig which hung on a block beside him. The marks of hair-powder on his coat-collar, and the ill-washed and worse tied white handkerchief round his throat, showed WITH THE SERJEANT. 29 that he had not found leisure since he left the court to make any alteration in his dress : while the slovenly style of the remainder of his costume warranted the inference that his personal appearance would not have been very much improved if he had. Books of practice, heaps of papers, and opened letters, were scattered over the table, without any attempt at order or arrangement ; the furniture of the room was old and ricketty ; the doors of the book-case were rotting in their hinges; the dust flew out from the carpet in little clouds at every step ; the blinds were yellow with age and dirt ; the state of everything in the room showed, with a clearness not to be mistaken, that Mr. Serjeant Snubbin was far too much occupied with his professional pursuits to take any great heed or regard of his personal comforts. The Serjeant was writing when his clients entered; he bowed abstractedly when Mr. Pickwick was introduced by his solicitor ; and then, motioning them to a seat, put his pen carefully in the inkstand, nursed his left leg, and waited to be spoken to. " Mr. Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick, Serjeant Snubbing said Perker. "I am retained in that, am I?" said the Serjeant. "You are, sir,' 1 replied Perker. The Serjeant nodded his head, and waited for something else. "Mr. Pickwick was anxious to call upon you, Serjeant Snubbin," said Perker, "to state to you, before you entered upon the case, that he denies there being any ground or pretence whatever for the action against him ; and that unless he came into court with clean hands, and without the most conscientious conviction that he was right in resisting the plaintiffs demand, he would not be there at all. I believe I state your views correctly ; do I not, my dear sir ? " said the little man, turning to Mr. Pickwick. "Quite so," replied that gentleman. Mr. Serjeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses, raised them to 30 THE PICKWICK CLUB. his eyes ; and, after looking at Mr. Pickwick for a few seconds with great curiosity, turned to Mr. Perker, and said, smiling slightly as he spoke : " Has Mr. Pickwick a strong case ? " The attorney shrugged his shoulders. " Do you purpose calling witnesses ? " "No." The smile on the Serjeant's countenance became more defined ; he rocked his leg with increased violence ; and, throwing himself back in his easy-chair, coughed dubiously. These tokens of the Serjeant's presentiments on the subject, slight as they were, were not lost on Mr. Pickwick. He settled the spectacles, through which he had attentively regarded such demonstrations of the barrister's feelings as he had permitted himself to exhibit, more firmly on his nose ; and said with great energy, and in utter disregard of all Mr, Perker's admonitory winkings and frownings; " My wishing to wait upon you, for such a purpose as this, sir, appears, I have no doubt, to a gentleman who sees so much of these matters as you must necessarily do, a very extraordinary circumstance."" The Serjeant tried to look gravely at the fire, but the smile came back again. " Gentlemen of your profession, sir," continued Mr. Pickwick, " see the worst side of human nature. All its disputes, all its ill-will and bad blood, rise up before you. You know from your experience of juries (I mean no disparagement to you, or them) how much depends upon effect : and you are apt to attribute to others, a desire to use, for purposes of deception and self-interest, the very instruments which you, in pure honesty and honour of purpose, and with a laudable desire to do your utmost for your client, know the temper and worth of so well, from constantly employing them yourselves. I really believe that to this circumstance may be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of your being, as a body, suspicious, distrustful, and over-cautious. Conscious as I am. MR. PHUNKY. 31 sir, of the disadvantage of making such a declaration to you, under such circumstances, I have come here, because I wish you distinctly to understand, as my friend Mr. Perker has said, that I am innocent of the falsehood laid to my charge ; and although I am very well aware of the inestimable value of your assistance, sir, I must beg to add, that unless you sincerely believe this, I would rather be deprived of the aid of your talents than have the advantage of them." Long before the close of this address, which we are bound to say was of a very prosy character for Mr. Pickwick, the Serjeant had relapsed into a state of abstraction. After some minutes, however, during which he had reassumed his pen, he appeared to be again aware of the presence of his clients; raising his head from the paper, he said, rather snappishly, " Who is with me in this case ? " "Mr. Phunky, Serjeant Snubbin," replied the attorney. "Phunky, Phunky," said the Serjeant, "I never heard the name before. He must be a very young man."" " Yes, he is a very young man," replied the attorney. " He was only called the other day. Let me see he has not been at the Bar eight years yet." "Ah, I thought not," said the Sergeant, in that sort of pitying tone in which ordinary folks would speak of a very helpless little child. "Mr. Mallard, send round to Mr. Mr. ." " Phunky's Holborn Court, Gray's Inn," interposed Perker. (Holborn Court, by the bye, is South Square now). "Mr. Phunky, and say I should be glad if he'd step here, a moment. 11 Mr. Mallard departed to execute his commission ; and Serjeant Snubbin relapsed into abstraction until Mr. Phunky himself was introduced. Although an infant barrister, he was a full-grown man. He had a very nervous manner, and a painful hesitation in his speech ; it did not appear to be a natural defect, but seemed rather the result of timidity, arising from the consciousness of being "kept down" by want of means, or interest, or 32 THE PICKWICK CLUB. connexion, or impudence, as the case might be. He was overawed by the Serjeant, and profoundly courteous to the attorney. "I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before, Mr. Phunky," said Serjeant Snubbin, with haughty condescension. Mr. Phunky bowed. He had had the pleasure of seeing the Serjeant, and of envying him too, with all a poor man's envy, for eight years and a quarter. "You are with me in this case, I understand ? " said the Serjeant. If Mr. Phunky had been a rich man, he would have instantly sent for his clerk to remind him ; if he had been a wise one, he would have applied his fore-finger to his forehead, and endeavoured to recollect, whether, in the multiplicity of his engagements he had undertaken this one, or not; but as he was neither rich nor wise (in this sense at all events) he turned red, and bowed. " Have you read the papers, Mr. Phunky ? " inquired the Serjeant. Here again, Mr. Phunky should have professed to have for- gotten all about the merits of the case; but as he had read such papers as had been laid before him in the course of the action, and had thought of nothing else, waking or sleeping, throughout the two months during which he had been retained as Mr. Serjeant Snubbin's junior, he turned a deeper red, and bowed again. "This is Mr. Pickwick," said the Serjeant, waving his pen in the direction in which that gentleman was standing. Mr. Phunky bowed to Mr. Pickwick with a reverence which a first client must ever awaken ; and again inclined his head towards his leader. "Perhaps you will take Mr. Pickwick away," said the Serjeant, "and and and hear anything Mr. Pickwick may wish to communicate. We shall have a consultation, of course." With this hint that he had been interrupted quite long enough, Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, who had been gradually A LONG CONFERENCE. 33 growing more and more abstracted, applied hie glass to his eyes for an instant, bowed slightly round, and was once more deeply immersed in the case before him : which arose out of an interminable lawsuit, originating in the act of an individual, deceased a century or so ago, who had stopped up a pathway leading from some place which nobody ever came from, to some other place which nobody ever went to. Mr. Phunky would not hear of passing through any door until Mr. Pickwick and his solicitor had passed through before him, so it was some time before they got into the Square; and when they did reach it, they walked up and down, and held a long conference, the result of which was, that it was a very difficult matter to say how the verdict would go ; that nobody could presume to calculate on the issue of an action ; that it was very lucky they had prevented the other party from getting Serjeant Snubbin; and other topics of doubt and consolation, common in such a position of affairs. Mr. Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of an hour's duration ; and, bidding adieu to Lowten, they returned to the City. VOL. II. CHAPTER XXXII. DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY MR. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH. THERE is a repose about Lant Street, in the borough, which sheds ft gentle melancholy upon the soul. There are always a good many houses to let in the street : it is a bye-street too, and its dulness is soothing. A house in Lant Street would not come within the denomination of a first-rate residence, in the strict acceptation of the term ; but it is a most desirable spot nevertheless. If a man wished to abstract himself from the world to remove himself from within the reach of temptation to place himself beyond the possibility of any inducement to look out of the window he should by all means go to Lant Street. In this happy retreat are colonised a few clear-starchers, a sprinkling of journeymen bookbinders, one or two prison agents for the Insolvent Court, several small housekeepers who are employed in the Docks, a handful of mantua-makers, and a seasoning of jobbing tailors. The majority of the inhabitants either direct their energies to the letting of furnished apartments, or devote themselves to the healthful and invigorating pursuit of mangling. The chief features in the still life of the street are green shutters, lodging-bills, brass door-plates, and bell-handles ; the principal specimens of animated nature, the pot-boy, the muffin youth, and the MR. SAWYER EXPECTS COMPANY. 35 baked-potato man. The population is migratory, usually disappearing on the verge of quarter-day, and generally by night. His Majesty's revenues are seldom collected in this happy valley; the rents are dubious; and the water com- munication is very frequently cut off. Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire, in his first-floor front, early on the evening for which he had invited Mr. Pickwick ; and Mr. Ben Allen the other. The preparations for the reception of visitors appeared to be completed. The umbrellas in the passage had been heaped into the little corner outside the back-parlour door; the bonnet and shawl of the landlady's servant had been removed from the bannisters ; there were not more than two pail's of pattens on the street- door mat, and a kitchen candle, with a very long snuff, burnt cheerfully on the ledge of the staircase window. Mr. Bob Sawyer had himself purchased the spirits at a wine vaults in High Street, and had returned home preceding the bearer thereof, to preclude the possibility of their delivery at the wrong house. The punch was ready-made in a red pan in the bed-room ; a little table, covered with a green baize cloth, had been borrowed from the parlour, to play at cards on ; and the glasses of the establishment, together with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the public- house, were" all drawn up in a tray, which was deposited on the landing outside the door. Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these arrangements, there was a cloud on the countenance of Mr. Bob Sawyer, as he sat by the fireside. There was a sympathising expression, too, in the features of Mr. Ben Allen, as he gazed intently on the coals ; and a tone of melancholy in his voice, as he said, after a long silence : " Well, it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn sour, just on this occasion. She might at least have waited till to-morrow. 1 " "That's her malevolence, that's her malevolence," returned Mr. Bob Sawyer, vehemently. " She says that if I can afford 86 THE PICKWICK CLUB. to give a party I ought to be able to pay her confounded 4 little bill." 1 " How long has it been running ? " inquired Mr. Ben Allen. A bill, by the bye, is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that the genius of man ever produced. It would keep on running during the longest lifetime, without ever once stopping of its own accord. "Only a quarter, and a month or so," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. Ben Allen coughed hopelessly, and directed a searching look between the two top bars of the stove. " It'll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head to let out, when those fellows are here, won't it? 11 said Mr. Ben Allen at length. "Horrible, 1 ' replied Bob Sawyer, "horrible." A low tap was heard at the room door. Mr. Bob Sawyer looked expressively at his friend, and bade the tapper come in ; whereupon a dirty slipshod girl in black cotton stockings, who might have passed for the neglected daughter of a superannuated dustman in very reduced circumstances, thrust in her head, and said, "Please, Mister Sawyer, Missis Raddle wants to speak to Before Mr. Bob Sawyer could return any answer, the girl suddenly disappeared with a jerk, as if somebody had given her a violent pull behind ; this mysterious exit was no sooner accomplished, than there was another tap at the door a smart pointed tap, which seemed to say, " Here I am, and in I'm coming." Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject apprehension, and once more cried " Come in. 1 ' The permission was not at all necessary, for, before Mr. Bob Sawyer had uttered the words, a little fierce woman bounced into the room, all in a tremble with passion, and pale with rage. "Now, Mr. Sawyer," said the little fierce woman, trying to appear very calm, "if you'll have the kindness to settle MRS. RADDLE APPLIES FOR RENT. 37 that little bill of mine Fll thank you, because Fve got my rent to pay this afternoon, and my landlord's a waiting below now.'* Here the little woman rubbed her hands, and looked steadily over Mr. Bob Sawyer's head, at the wall behind him. " I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob Sawyer, deferentially, "but ' " Oh, it isn't any inconvenience," replied the little woman, with a shrill titter. "I didn't want it particular before to- day; leastways, as it has to go to my landlord directly, it was as well for you to keep it as me. You promised me this afternoon, Mr. Sawyer, and every gentleman as has ever lived here, has kept his word, sir, as of course anybody as calls himself a gentleman, does." Mrs. Raddle tossed her head, bit her lips, rubbed her hands harder, and looked at the wall more steadily than ever. It was plain to see, as Mr. Bob Sawyer remarked in a style of eastern allegory on a subse- quent occasion, that she was " getting the steam up." " I am very sorry, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob Sawyer with all imaginable humility, " but the fact is, that I have been disappointed in the City to-day." Extraordinary place that City. An astonishing number of men always are getting disappointed there. "Well, Mr. Sawyer," said Mrs. Raddle, planting herself firmly on a purple cauliflower in the Kidderminster carpet, "and what's that to me, sir?" "I I have no doubt, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob Sawyer, blinking this last question, " that before the middle of next week we shall be able to set ourselves quite square, and go on, on a better system, afterwards." This was all Mrs. Raddle wanted. She had bustled up to the apartment of the unlucky Bob Sawyer, so bent upon going into a passion, that, in all probability, payment would have rather disappointed her than otherwise. She was in excellent order for a little relaxation of the kind : having just exchanged a few introductory compliments with Mr. R. in the front kitchen. 38 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Do you suppose, Mr. Sawyer,* said Mrs. Raddle, elevating her voice for the information of the neighbours, "do you suppose that I'm a-going day after day to let a fellar occupy ray lodgings as never thinks of paying his rent, nor even the very money laid out for the fresh butter and lump sugar that's bought for his breakfast, and the very milk that's took in, at the street door? Do you suppose a hard-working and industrious woman as has lived in this street for twenty year (ten year over the way, and nine year and three quarter in this very house) has nothing else to do but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle fellars, that are always smoking and drinking, and lounging, when they ought to be glad to turn their hands to anything that would help 'em to pay their bills ? Do you " "My good soul," interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen, soothingly. " Have the goodness to keep your observashuns to yourself, sir, I beg," said Mrs. Raddle, suddenly arresting the rapid torrent of her speech, and addressing the third party with impressive slowness and solemnity. "I am not aweer, sir, that you have any right to address your conversation to me. I don't think I let these apartments to you, sir." "No, you certainly did not," said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Very good, sir," responded Mrs. Raddle, with lofty politeness. " Then p'raps, sir, you'll confine yourself to breaking the arms and legs of the poor people in the hospitals, and keep yourself to yourself, sir, or there may be some persons here as will make you, sir." "But you are such an unreasonable woman," remonstrated Mr. Benjamin Allen. " I beg your parding, young man," said Mrs. Raddle, in a cold perspiration of anger. " But will you have the goodness just to call me that again, sir?" "I didn't make use of the word in any invidious sense, ma'am," replied Mr. Benjamin Allen, growing somewhat uneasy on his own account. MRS. RADDLE RELIEVES HER MIND. 39 * I beg your parding, young man, 1 ' demanded Mrs. Raddle in a louder and more imperative tone. " But who do you call a woman ? Did you make that remark to me, sir ? " " Why, bless my heart ! " said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Did you apply that name to me, I ask of you, sir?" interrupted Mrs. Raddle, with intense fierceness, throwing the door wide open. " Why, of course I did," replied Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Yes, of course you did," said Mrs. Raddle, backing gradually to the door, and raising her voice to its loudest pitch, for the special behoof of Mr. Raddle in the kitchen. " Yes, of course you did ! And everybody knows that they may safely insult me in my own 'ouse while my husband sits sleeping down stairs, and taking no more notice than if I was a dog in the streets. He ought to be ashamed of himself (here Mrs. Raddle sobbed) to allow his wife to be treated in this way by a parcel of young cutters and carvers of live people's bodies, that disgraces the lodgings (another sob), and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse; a base, faint-hearted, timorous wretch, that's afraid to come up stairs, and face the ruffinly creatures that's afraid that's afraid to come ! " Mrs. Raddle paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt had roused her better half; and, finding that it had not been successful, proceeded to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable : when there came a loud double knock at the street door : whereupon she burst into an hysterical fit of weeping, accompanied with dismal moans, which was prolonged until the knock had been repeated six times, when, in an uncontrollable burst of mental agony, she threw down all the umbrellas, and disappeared into the back parlour, closing the door after her with an awful crash. " Does Mr. Sawyer live here ? " said Mr. Pickwick, when the door was opened. " Yes," said the girl, " first floor. It's the door straight afore you, when you gets to the top of the stairs." Having given this instruction, the handmaid, who had been brought 40 THE PICKWICK CLUB. up among the aboriginal inhabitants of Southwark, disappeared, with the candle in her hand, down the kitchen stairs : perfectly satisfied that she had done everything that could possibly be required of her under the circumstances. Mr. Snodgrass, who entered last, secured the street door, after several ineffectual efforts, by putting up the chain ; and the friends stumbled up stairs, where they were received by Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been afraid to go down, lest he should be waylaid by Mrs. Raddle. "How are you?" said the discomfited student. "Glad to see you, take care of the glasses." This caution was addressed to Mr. Pickwick, who had put his hat in the tray. " Dear me," said Mr. Pickwick, " I beg your pardon." "Don't mention it, don't mention it," said Bob Sawyer. " I'm rather confined for room here, but you must put up with all that, when you come to see a young bachelor. Walk in. You've seen this gentleman before, I think?" Mr. Pickwick shook hands with Mr. Benjamin Allen, and his friends followed his example. They had scarcely taken their seats when there was another double knock. " I hope that's Jack Hopkins ! " said Mr. Bob Sawyer. " Hush. Yes, it is. Come up, Jack ; come up." A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs, and Jack Hopkins presented himself. He wore a black velvet waistcoat, with thunder-and-lightning buttons ; and a blue striped shirt, with a white false collar. "You're late, Jack?" said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Been detained at Bartholomew's," replied Hopkins. "Anything new?" "No, nothing particular. Rather a good accident brought into the casualty ward." " What was that, sir ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs' window ; but it's a very fair case very fair case indeed." " Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. ANECDOTE OF A NECKLACE. 41 "No," replied Hopkins, carelessly. "No, I should rather say he wouldn't. There must be a splendid operation though, to-morrow magnificent sight if Slasher does it."" "You consider Mr. Slasher a good operator?" said Mr. Pickwick. "Best alive," replied Hopkins. "Took a boy's leg out of the socket last week boy ate five apples and a gingerbread cake exactly two minutes after it was all over, boy said he wouldn't lie there to be made game of, and he'd tell his mother if they didn't begin." " Dear me ! " said Mr. Pickwick, astonished. " Pooh ! That's nothing, that ain't," said Jack Hopkins. " Is it, Bob ? " " Nothing at all," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. " By the bye, Bob," said Hopkins, with a scarcely perceptible glance at Mr. Pickwick's attentive face, " we had a curious accident last night. A child was brought in, who had swallowed a necklace." " Swallowed what, sir ? " interrupted Mr. Pickwick. "A necklace," replied Jack Hopkins. "Not all at once, you know, that would be too much you couldn't swallow that, if the child did eh, Mr. Pickwick, ha! ha!" Mr. Hopkins appeared highly gratified with his own pleasantry ; and continued. "No, the way was this. Child's parents were poor people who lived in a court. Child's eldest sister bought a necklace ; common necklace, made of large black wooden beads. Child, being fond of toys, cribbed the necklace, hid it, played with it, cut the string, and swallowed a bead. Child thought it capital fun, went back next day, and swallowed another bead." " Bless my heart," said Mr. Pickwick, " what a dreadful thing ! I beg your pardon, sir. Go on." " Next day, child swallowed two beads ; the day after that, he treated himself to three, and so on, till in a week's time he had got through the necklace five-and-twenty beads in all. The sister, who was an industrious girl, and seldom 42 THE PICKWICK CLUB. treated herself to a bit of finery, cried her eyes out, at the loss of the necklace ; looked high and low for it ; but, I needn't say, didn't find it. A few days afterwards, the family were at dinner baked shoulder of mutton, and potatoes under it the child, who wasn't hungry, was playing about the room, when suddenly there was heard a devil of a noise, like a small hail storm. 'Don't do that, my boy,' said the father. ' I ain't a doin' nothing,' said the child. ' Well, don't do it again,' said the father. There was a short silence, and then the noise began again, worse than ever. * If you don't mind what I say, my boy,' said the father, ' you'll find yourself in bed, in something less than a pig's whisper.' He gave the child a shake to make him obedient, and such a rattling ensued as nobody ever heard before. 'Why, damme, it's in the child ! ' said the father, * he's got the croup in the wrong place ! ' * No I haven't, father,' said the child, beginning to cry, * it's the necklace ; I swallowed it, father.' The father caught the child up, and ran with him to the hospital : the beads in the boy's stomach rattling all the way with the jolting; and the people looking up in the air, and down in the cellars, to see where the unusual sound came from. He's in the hospital now," said Jack Hopkins, "and he makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about, that they're obliged to muffle him in a watchman's coat, for fear he should wake the patients ! " " That's the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said Mr. Pickwick, with an emphatic blow on the table. "Oh, that's nothing," said Jack Hopkins; "is it, Bob?" " Certainly not," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. "Very singular things occur in our profession, I can assure you, sir," said Hopkins. " So I should be disposed to imagine," replied Mr. Pickwick. Another knock at the door, announced a large-headed young man in a black wig, who brought with him a scorbutic youth in a long stock. The next comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with pink anchors, who was closely PREPARATIONS FOR SUPPER. 43 followed by a pale youth with a plated watchguard. The arrival of a prim personage in clean linen and cloth boots rendered the party complete. The little table with the green baize cover was wheeled out ; the first instalment of punch was brought in, in a white jug ; and the succeeding three hours were devoted to vingt-et-un at sixpence a dozen, which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors ; in the course of which, the scorbutic youth intimated a burning desire to pull the nose of the gentleman with the emblems of hope : in reply to which, that individual expressed his decided unwillingness to accept of any " sauce " on gratuitous terms, either from the irascible young gentleman with the scorbutic countenance, or any other person who was ornamented with a head. When the last " natural * had been declared, and the profit and loss account of fish and sixpences adjusted, to the satisfac- tion of all parties, Mr. Bob Sawyer rang for supper, and the visitors squeezed themselves into corners while it was getting ready. It was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine. First of all, it was necessary to awaken the girl, who had fallen asleep with her face on the kitchen table ; this took a little time, and, even when she did answer the bell, another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her a faint and distant glimmering of reason. The man to whom the order for the oysters had been sent, had not been told to open them ; it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp knife or a two-pronged fork ; and very little was done in this way. Very little of the beef was done either; and the ham (which was also from the German-sausage shop round the corner) was in a similar predicament. However, there was plenty of porter in a tin can ; and the cheese went a great way, for it was very strong. So upon the whole, perhaps, the supper was quite as good as such matters usually are. 44 THE PICKWICK CLUB. After supper, another jug of punch was put upon the table, together with a paper of cigars, and a couple of bottles of spirits. Then, there was an awful pause ; and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common occurrence in this sort of places, but a very embarrassing one notwithstanding. The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses. The estab- lishment boasted four; we do not record the circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs. Raddle, for there never was a lodging-house yet, that was not short of glasses. The land- lady's glasses were little thin blown glass tumblers, and those which had been borrowed from the public-house were great, dropsical, bloated articles, each supported on a huge gouty leg. This would have been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with the real state of affairs ; but the young woman of all work had prevented the possibility of any mis- conception arising in the mind of any gentleman upon the subject, by forcibly dragging every man's glass away, long before he had finished his beer, and audibly stating, despite the winks and interruptions of Mr. Bob Sawyer, that it was to be conveyed down stairs, and washed forthwith. It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good. The prim man in the cloth boots, who had been unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted, saw his opportunity, and availed himself of it. The instant the glasses disappeared, he commenced a long story about a great public character, whose name he had forgotten, making a particularly happy reply to another eminent and illustrious individual whom he had never been able to identify. He enlarged at some length and with great minuteness upon divers collateral circumstances, distantly connected with the anecdote in hand, but for the life of him he couldn't recollect at that precise moment what the anecdote was, although he had been in the habit of telling the story with great applause for the last ten years. " Dear me," said the prim man in the cloth boots, " it is a very extraordinary circumstance." DEMAND FOR WARM WATER. 45 "I am sorry you have forgotten it," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, glancing eagerly at the door, as he thought he heard the noise of glasses jingling; "very sorry." "So am I," responded the prim man, "because I know it would have afforded so much amusement. Never mind ; I dare say I shall manage to recollect it, in the course of half- an-hour or so." The prim man arrived at this point, just as the glasses came back, when Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been absorbed in attention during the whole time, said he should very much like to hear the end of it, for, so far as it went, it was, without exception, the very best story he had ever heard. The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady. His face brightened up, and he began to feel quite convivial. "Now, Betsy," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with great suavity, and dispersing, at the same time, the tumultuous little mob of glasses the girl had collected in the centre of the table: "now, Betsy, the warm water; be brisk, there's a good girl." "You can't have no warm water," replied Betsy. "No warm water!" exclaimed Mr. Bob Sawyer. "No," said the girl, with a shake of the head which expressed a more decided negative than the most copious language could have conveyed. "Missis Raddle said you warn't to have none." The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new courage to the host. " Bring up the warm water instantly instantly ! " said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with desperate sternness. "No. I can't," replied the girl; "Missis Raddle raked out the kitchen fire afore she went to bed, and locked up the kittle." " Oh, never mind ; never mind. Pray don't disturb your- self about such a trifle," said Mr. Pickwick, observing the 46 THE PICKWICK CLUE. conflict of Bob Sawyer's passions, as depicted in his counte- nance, "cold water will do very well." " Oh, admirably," said Mr. Benjamin Allen. " My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement," remarked Bob Sawyer with a ghastly smile; "And I fear I must give her warning." "No, don't," said Ben Allen. " I fear I must," said Bob with heroic firmness. " Til pay her what I owe her, and give her warning to-morrow morning." Poor fellow ! how devoutly he wished he could ! Mr. Bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to rally under this last blow, communicated a dispiriting influence to the company, the greater part of whom, with the view of raising their spirits, attached themselves with extra cordiality to the cold brandy and water, the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman in the shirt. The belligerents vented their feelings of mutual contempt, for some time, in a variety of frownings and snortings, until at last the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to come to a more explicit understand- ing on the matter; when the following clear understanding took place. " Sawyer," said the scorbutic youth, in a loud voice. "Well, Noddy," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. "I should be very sorry, Sawyer," said Mr. Noddy, "to create any unpleasantness at any friend's table, and much less at yours, Sawyer very ; but I must take this opportunity of informing Mr. Gunter that he is no gentleman." " And / should be very sorry, Sawyer, to create any disturb- ance in the street in which you reside," said Mr. Gunter, " but I'm afraid I shall be under the necessity of alarming the neighbours by throwing the person who has just spoken, out o' window." "What do you mean by that, sir?" inquired Mr. Noddy. "What I say, sir," replied Mr. Gunter. "I should like to see you do it, sir," said Mr. Noddy. A PERSONAL MISUNDERSTANDING. 47 "You shall feel me do it in half a minute, sir," replied Mr. Gti nter. " I request that you'll favour me with your card, sir," said Mr. Noddy. " Til do nothing of the kind, sir," replied Mr. Gunter. "Why not, sir?" inquired Mr. Noddy. " Because you'll stick it up over your chimney-piece, and delude your visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to see you, sir," replied Mr. Gunter. "Sir, a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning," said Mr. Noddy. " Sir, I'm very much obliged to you for the caution, and I'll leave particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons," replied Mr. Gunter. At this point the remainder of the guests interposed, and remonstrated with both parties on the impropriety of their conduct; on which Mr. Noddy begged to state that his father was quite as respectable as Mr. Gunter's father; to which Mr. Gunter replied that his father was to the full as respectable as Mr. Noddy's father, and that his fathers son was as good a man as Mr. Noddy, any day in the week. As this announcement seemed the prelude to a recommencement of the dispute, there was another interference on the part of the company ; and a vast quantity of talking and clamouring ensued, in the course of which Mr. Noddy gradually allowed his feelings to overpower him, and professed that he had ever entertained a devoted personal attachment towards Mr. Gunter. To this Mr. Gunter replied that, upon the whole, he rather preferred Mr. Noddy to his own brother; on hearing which admission, Mr. Noddy magnanimously rose from his seat, and proffered his hand to Mr. Gunter. Mr. Gunter grasped it with affecting fervour; and everybody said that the whole dispute had been conducted in a manner which was highly honourable to both parties concerned. "Now," said Jack Hopkins, "just to set us going again, Bob, I don't mind singing a song." And Hopkins, incited 48 THE PICKWICK CLUB. thereto, by tumultuous applause, plunged himself at once into " The King, God bless him," which he sang as loud as he could, to a novel air, compounded of the " Bay of Biscay," and " A Frog he would.'" The chorus was the essence of the song; and, as each gentleman sang it to the tune he knew best, the effect was very striking indeed. It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse, that Mr. Pickwick held up his hand in a listening attitude, and said, as soon as silence was restored : " Hush ! I beg your pardon. I thought I heard somebody calling from up stairs." A profound silence immediately ensued; and Mr. Bob Sawyer was observed to turn pale. "I think I hear it now," said Mr. Pickwick. "Have the goodness to open the door." The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject was removed. " Mr. Sawyer ! Mr. Sawyer ! " screamed a voice from the two-pair landing. "It's my landlady, said Bob Sawyer, looking round him with great dismay. " Yes, Mrs. Raddle." "What do you mean by this, Mr. Sawyer?" replied the voice, with great shrillness and rapidity of utterance. " Ain't it enough to be swindled out of one's rent, and money lent out of pocket besides, and abused and insulted by your friends that dares to call themselves men : without having the house turned out of window, and noise enough made to bring the fire-engines here, at two o'clock in the morning? Turn them wretches away." " You ought to be ashamed of yourselves," said the voice of Mr. Raddle, which appeared to proceed from beneath some distant bed-clothes. " Ashamed of themselves . " said Mrs. Raddle. " Why don't you go down and knock 'em every one down stairs? You would if you was a man." "I should if I was a dozen men, my dear," replied Mr, BREAK UP OF THE PARTY. 49 Raddle, pacifically, " but they've the advantage of me in numbers, my dear." "Ugh, you coward!" replied Mrs. Raddle, with supreme contempt. " Do you mean to turn them wretches out, or not, Mr. Sawyer?" "They're going, Mrs. Raddle, they're going," said the- miserable Bob. " I am afraid you'd better go," said Mr. Bob Sawyer to his friends. " I thought you were making too much noise." " It's a very unfortunate thing, said the prim man. " Just as we were getting so comfortable too ! " The prim man was just beginning to have a dawning recollection of the story he had forgotten. "It's hardly to be borne," said the prim man, looking round. " Hardly to be borne, is it ? " "Not to be endured," replied Jack Hopkins; "let's have the other verse, Bob. Come, here goes ! " " No, no, Jack, don't," interposed Bob Sawyer ; " it's a capital song, but I am afraid we had better not have the other verse. They are very violent people, the people of the house." Shall I step up stairs, and pitch into the landlord?" inquired Hopkins, "or keep on ringing the bell, or go and groan on the staircase? You may command me, Bob." " I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good nature, Hopkins," said the wretched Mr. Bob Sawyer, "but I think the best plan to avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at once." "Now, Mr. Sawyer!" screamed the shrill voice of Mrs. Raddle, "are them brutes going?" "They're only looking for their hats, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob ; " they are going directly." " Going ! " said Mrs. Raddle, thrusting her night-cap over the banisters just as Mr. Pickwick, followed by Mr. Tupman, emerged from the sitting-room. " Going ! what did they ever come for ? " 50 THE PICKWICK CLUB. *'My dear ma'am," remonstrated Mr. Pickwick, looking up. " Get along with you, you old wretch ! " replied Mrs. Raddle, hastily withdrawing the night-cap. " Old enough to be his grandfather, you willin ! You're worse than any of <> em. TI Mr. Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence, so hurried down stairs into the street, whither he was closely followed by Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Ben Allen, who was dismally depressed with spirits and agitation, accompanied them as far as London Bridge, and in the course of the walk confided to Mr. Winkle, as an especially eligible person to intrust the secret to, that he was resolved to cut the throat of any gentleman except Mr. Bob Sawyer who should aspire to the affections of his sister Arabella. Having expressed his determination to perform this painful duty of a brother with proper firmness, he burst into tears, knocked his hat over his eyes, and, making the best of his way back, knocked double knocks at the door of the Borough Market office, and took short naps on the steps alternately, until daybreak, under the firm impression that he lived there, and had forgotten the key. The visitors having all departed, in compliance with the rather pressing request of Mrs. Raddle, the luckless Mr. Bob Sawyer was left alone, to meditate on the probable events of to-morrow, and the pleasures of the evening. CHAPTER XXXIII. Mil. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS RESPECTING LITERARY COMPOSITION ; AND, ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL, PAYS A SMALL INSTALMENT OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMAN WITH THE RED NOSE. THE morning of the thirteenth of February, which the readers of this authentic narrative know, as well as we do, to have been the day immediately preceding that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs. BardelPs action, was a busy time for Mr. Samuel Weller, who was perpetually engaged in travelling from the George and Vulture to Mr. Porker's chambers and back again, from and between the hours of nine o'clock in the morning and two in the afternoon, both inclusive. Not that there was anything whatever to be done, for the consultation had taken place, and the course of proceeding to be adopted, had been finally determined on ; but Mr. Pickwick being in a most extreme state of excitement, persevered in constantly sending small notes to his attorney, merely containing the inquiry, "Dear Perker. Is all going on well ? " to which Mr. Perker invariably forwarded the reply, "Dear Pickwick. As well as possible; 11 the fact being, as we have already hinted, that there was nothing whatever to go on, either well or ill, until the sitting of the court on the following morning. But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken forcibly 52 THE PICKWICK CLUB. there, for the first time, may be allowed to labour under some temporary irritation and anxiety : and Sam, with a due allowance for the frailties of human nature, obeyed all his master's behests with that imperturbable good humour and unruffable composure which formed one of his most striking and amiable characteristics. Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable little dinner, and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which Mr. Pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues of his morning's walks, when a young boy of about three feet high, or thereabouts, in a hairy cap and fustian over-alls, whose garb bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in time the elevation of an hostler, entered the passage of the George and Vulture, and looked first up the stairs, and then along the passage, and then into the bar, as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a commission ; whereupon the barmaid, conceiving it not improbable that the said commission might be directed to the tea or table spoons of the establishment, accosted the boy with " Now, young man, what do you want ? " " Is there anybody here, named Sam ? " inquired the youth, in a loud voice of treble quality. "What's the t'other name?" said Sam Weller, looking round. " How should I know ? " briskly replied the young gentle- man below the hairy cap. " You're a sharp boy, you are," said Mr. Weller ; " only I wouldn't show that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, in case anybody took it off. What do you mean by comin' to a hot-el, and asking arter Sam, vith as much politeness as a vild Indian ? n "'Cos an old gen'l'm'n told me to," replied the boy. " What old gen'l'm'n ? " inquired Sam, with deep disdain. "Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour," rejoined the boy. "He told me yesterday mornin' to come to the George and Wultur this arternoon, and ask for Sam." A SUDDEN REMINDER. 53 "It's my father, my dear," said Mr. Weller, turning with an explanatory air to the young lady in the bar ; " blessed if I think he hardly knows wot my other name is. Veil, young brockiley sprout, wot then ? " " Why, then," said the boy, " you was to come to him at six o'clock to our ouse, 'cos he wants to see you Blue Boar, Leaden'all Markit. Shall I say you're comin' ? " "You may wenture on that 'ere statement, sir," replied Sam. And thus empowered, the young gentleman walked away, awakening all the echoes in George Yard as he did so, with several chaste and extremely correct imitations of a drover's whistle, delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume. Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr. Pickwick, who, in his then state of excitement and worry was by no means displeased at being left alone, set forth, long before the appointed hour, and having plenty of time at his disposal, sauntered down as far as the Mansion House, where he paused and contemplated, with a face of great calm- ness and philosophy, the numerous cads and drivers of short stages who assemble near that famous place of resort, to the great terror and confusion of the old-lady population of these realms. Having loitered here, for half an hour or so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his way towards Leadenhall Market, through a variety of bye streets and courts. As he was sauntering away his spare time, and stopped to look at almost every object that met his gaze, it is by no means surprising that Mr. Weller should have paused before a small stationer's and print-seller's window ; but without further explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have no sooner rested on certain pictures which were exposed for sale therein, than he gave a sudden start, smote his right leg with great vehemence, and exclaimed with energy, " If it hadn't been for this, I should ha' forgot all about it, till it was too late ! " The particular picture on which Sam Weller's eyes were 54 THE PICKWICK CLUB. fixed, as he said this, was a highly coloured representation of a couple of human hearts skewered together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern attire : the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same : were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine gravel path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted as superintending the cooking ; a representation of the spire of the church in Langham Place, London, appeared in the distance; and the whole formed a " valentine, 11 of which, as a written inscription in the window testified, there was a large assortment within, which the shopkeeper pledged himself to dispose of, to his countrymen generally, at the reduced rate of one and sixpence each. " I should ha 1 forgot it ; I should certainly ha 1 forgot it ! "" said Sam ; so saying, he at once stepped into the stationer's shop, and requested to be served with a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter-paper, and a hard-nibbed pen which could be warranted not to splutter. These articles having been promptly supplied, he walked on direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round pace, very different from his recent lingering one. Looking round him, he there beheld a sign- board on which the painter's art had delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing that this was the Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the house, and inquired concerning his parent. " He won't be here this three quarters of an hour or more," said the young lady who superintended the domestic arrange- ments of the Blue Boar. "Wery good, my dear, 11 replied Sam. "Let me have nine penn'orth o' brandy and water luke, and the inkstand, will you, miss?" The brandy and water luke, and the inkstand, having been earned into the little parlour, and the young lady having A VALENTINE. 55 carefully flattened down the coals to prevent their blazing, and earned away the poker to preclude the possibility of the fire being stirred, without the full privity and concurrence of the Blue Boar being first had and obtained, Sam Weller sat himself down in a box near the stove, and pulled out the sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, and the hard-nibbed pen. Then looking carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it, and dusting down the table, so that there might be no crumbs of bread under the paper, Sam tucked up the cuffs of his coat, squared his elbows, and composed himself to write. To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves practically to the science of penmanship, writing;a letter is no very easy task ; it being always considered necessary in such cases for the writer to recline his head on his left arm, so as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the paper, while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing, to form with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond. These motions, although unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original composition, retard in some degree the progress of the writer ; and Sam had unconsciously been a full hour and a half writing words in small text, smearing out wrong letters with his little finger, and putting in new ones which required going over very often to render them visible through the old blots, when he was roused by the opening of the door and the entrance of his parent. "Veil, Sammy," said the father. " Veil, my Prooshan Blue, 11 responded the son, laying down his pen. "What's the last bulletin about mother-in-law?"" "Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is uncommon perwerse, and unpleasant this mornin 1 . Signed upon oath, S. Veller, Esquire, Senior. That's the last vun as was issued, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, untying his shawl. " No better yet ? " inquired Sam. "All the symptoms aggerawated," replied Mr. Weller, shaking his head. "But wofs that, you're a doin 1 of? Pursuit of knowledge under difficulties, Sammy ? " 56 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "I've done now, 1 ' said Sam with slight embarrassment ; " I've been a writin'." "So I see," replied Mr. Weller. "Not to any young 'ooman, I hope, Sammy?" 'Why it's no use a sayin' it ain't," replied Sam, "It's a walentine." "A what!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently horror- stricken by the word. "A walentine," replied Sam. " Samivel, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, " I didn't think you'd ha' done it. Arter the warnin' you've had o' your father's wicious propensities; arter all I've said to you upon this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein' and bein' in the company o' your own mother-in-law, vich I should ha' thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha' forgotten to his dyin' day ! I didn't think you'd ha' done it, Sammy, I didn't think you'd ha' done it ! " These reflections were too much for the good old man. He raised Sam's tumbler to his lips and drank off its contents. " Wot's the matter now ? " said Sam. "Nev'r mind, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, "it'll be a wery agonizin' trial to me at my time of life, but I'm pretty tough, that's vun consolation, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the London market." " Wot'll be a trial ? " inquired Sam. " To see you married, Sammy to see you a dilluded wictim, and thinkin' in your innocence that it's all wery capital," replied Mr. Weller. "It's a dreadful trial to a father's feelin's, that 'ere, Sammy." "Nonsense," said Sam. "I ain't a goin' to get married, don't you fret yourself about that; I know you're a judge of these things. Order in your pipe, and I'll read you the letter. There ! " We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the pipe, or the consolatory reflection that a fatal disposition SAM READS THE VALENTINE. 57 to get married ran in the family and couldn't be helped, which calmed Mr. Welter's feelings, and caused his grief to subside. We should be rather disposed to say that the result was attained by combining the two sources of consola- tion, for he repeated the second in a low tone, very frequently ; ringing the bell meanwhile, to order in the first. He then divested himself of his upper coat ; and lighting the pipe and placing himself in front of the fire with his back towards it, so that he could feel its full heat, and recline against the mantelpiece at the same time, turned towards Sam, and, with a countenance greatly mollified by the softening influence of tobacco, requested him to "fire away.' 1 Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections, and began with a very theatrical air : " ' Lovely .' " "Stop," 'said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. "A double glass o' the inwariable, my dear."" " Very well, sir," replied the girl ; who with great quickness appeared, vanished, returned, and disappeared. "They seem to know your ways here," observed Sam. " Yes," replied his father, " I've been here before, in my time. Go on, Sammy." "'Lovely creetur,'" repeated Sam. " 'Tain't in poetry, is it ? " interposed his father. "No, no," replied Sam. "Werry glad to hear it," said Mr. Weller. "Poetry's unnat'ral ; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin', or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows ; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy." Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as follows : " ' Lovely creetur i feel myself a dammed ' ." "That ain't proper," said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth. "No; it ain't 'dammed'," observed Sam, holding the letter 58 THE PICKWICK CLUB. up to the light, " it's ' shamed,' there's a blot there 4 1 feel myself ashamed.' " " Werry good/' said Mr. Weller. " Go on." '"Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir ' I forget what this here word is," said Sam, scratching his head with the pen, in vain attempts to remember. " Why don't you look at it, then ? " inquired Mr. Weller. "So I am a lookin' at it," replied Sam, "but there's another blot. Here's a 'c,' and a 'i,' and a 'd.'" " Circumwented, p'haps," suggested Mr. Weller. " No, it ain't that," said Sam, " circumscribed ; that's it." "That ain't as good a word as circumwented, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, gravely. "Think not?" said Sam. " Nothin' like it," replied his father. " But don't you think it means more ? " inquired Sam. " Veil p'raps it is a more tenderer word," said Mr. Weller, after a few moments' reflection. " Go on, Sammy." "'Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a dressin' of you, for you are a nice gal and nothin' but it.'" "That's a werry pretty sentiment," said the elder Mr. Weller, removing his pipe to make way for the remark. "Yes, I think it is rayther good," observed Sam, highly flattered. "Wot I like in that 'ere style of writin'," said the elder Mr. Weller, "is, that there ain't no callin' names in it, no Wenuses, nor nothin' o' that kind. Wot's the good o' callin' a young 'ooman a Wenus or a angel, Sammy?" "Ah! what, indeed?" replied Sam. "You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a unicorn, or a king's arms at once, which is werry well known to be a col-lection o' fabulous animals," added Mr. Weller. "Just as well," replied Sam. " Drive on, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows ; MR. WELLER THE ELDER APPROVES. 59 his father continuing to smoke, with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency, which was particularly edifying. " * Afore I see you, I thought all women was alike. 1 " " So they are," observed the elder Mr. Weller, parenthetically. "'But now," continued Sam, 'now I find what a regular soft-headed, inkred'lous turnip I must ha 1 been; for there ain't nobody like you, though / like you better than nothin 1 at all. 1 I thought it best to make that rayther strong," said Sam, looking up. Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed. " ' So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dear as the genTm'n in difficulties did, ven he valked out of a Sunday, to tell you that the first and only time I see you, your likeness was took on my hart in much quicker time and brighter colours than ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen (wich p'raps you may have heerd on Mary my dear) altho it does finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete, with a hook at the end to hang it up by, and all in two minutes and a quarter. 1 " "I am afeerd that werges on the poetical, Sammy, 11 said Mr. Weller, dubiously. "No it don't," replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoid contesting the point : "'Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think over what IVe said. My dear Mary I will now con- clude.' Thai's all," said Sam. "That's rather a sudden pull up, ain't it, Sammy?" in- quired Mr. Weller. " Not a bit on it," said Sam ; " she'll vish there wos more, and that's the great art o 1 letter writin 1 ." " Well," said Mr. Weller, " there's somethin' in that ; and I wish your mother-in-law 'ud only conduct her conwersa- tion on the same gen-teel principle. Ain't you a goin' to sign it?" "That's the difficulty," said Sam; "I don't know what to sign it." 60 THE PICKWICK CLUB, "Sign it, Veller," said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name. "Won't do," said Sam. "Never sign a walentine with your own name.' 1 " Sign it ' Pickvick,' then," said Mr. Weller ; " it's a werry good name, and a easy one to spell." " The wery thing," said Sam. " I could end with a werse ; what do you think ? " "I don't like it, Sam," rejoined Mr. Weller. "I never know'd a respectable coachman as wrote poetry, 'cept one, as made an affectin' copy o' werses the night afore he wos hung for a highway robbery; and he wos only a Cambervell man, so even that's no rule." But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred to him, so he signed the letter, "Your love-sick Pickwick." And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed a down-hill direction in one corner: "To Mary, Housemaid, at Mr. Nupkins's Mayor's, Ipswich, Suffolk ; " and put it into his pocket, wafered, and ready for the General Post. This important business having been transacted, Mr. Weller the elder proceeded to open that, on which he had summoned his son. "The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. " He's a goin' to be tried to-morrow, ain't he ? " "The trial's a comin' on," replied Sam. " Veil," said Mr. Weller, " Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'haps to prove a alleybi. I've been a turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice 'ud be this here never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing." Mr. Weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion ; and burying his nose in MR. WELLER'S LEGAL OPINION. 61 his tumbler, winked over the top thereof, at his astonished son. " Why, what do you mean ? " said Sam ; " you don't think he's a goin' to be tried at the Old Bailey, do you ? " " That ain't no part of the present con-sideration, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "Verever he's a goin' to be tried, my boy, a alleybi's the thing to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that 'ere manslaughter, with a alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldn't save him. And my 'pinion is, Sammy, that if your governor don't prove a alleybi, he'll be what the Italians call reg'larly flummoxed, and that's all about it." As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction that the Old Bailey was the supreme court of judicature in this country, and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever, he totally disregarded the assur- ances and arguments of his son, tending to show that the alibi was inadmissible; and vehemently protested that Mr. Pickwick was being " wictimised." Finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further, Sam changed the subject, and inquired what the second topic was, on which his revered parent wished to consult him. " That's a pint o' domestic policy, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. "This here Stiggins " " Red-nosed man ? " inquired Sam. "The wery same," replied Mr. Weller. "This here red- nosed man, Sammy, wisits your mother-in-law vith a kindness and constancy as I never see equalled. He's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, that wen he's avay from us, he can't be comfortable unless he has somethin' to remember us by." "And I'd give him somethin' as 'ud turpentine and bees'- vax his memory for the next ten years or so, if I wos you," interposed Sam. " Stop a minute," said Mr. Weller ; " I wos a going to say^ he always brings now, a flat bottle as holds about a 62 THE PICKWICK CLUB. pint and a-half, and fills it vith the pine-apple rum afore he goes avay." "And empties it afore he comes back, I s'pose?" said Sam. " Clean ! " replied Mr. Weller ; " never leaves nothin' in it but the cork and the smell ; trust him for that, Sammy. Now, these here fellows, my boy, are a goin' to-night to get up the monthly meetin' o' the Brick Lane Branch o' the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association. Your mother-in-law wos a goin', Sammy, but she's got the rheumatics, and can't ; and I, Sammy I've got the two tickets as wos sent her."" Mr. Weller communicated this secret with great glee, and winked so indefatigably after doing so, that Sam began to think he must have got the tic doloureux in his right eye-lid. " Well ? " said that young gentleman. "Well," continued his progenitor, looking round him very cautiously, "you and Fll go, punctiwal to the time. The deputy shepherd won't, Sammy ; the deputy shepherd won't." Here Mr. Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles, which gradually terminated in as near an approach to a choke as an elderly gentleman can, with safety, sustain. " Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,"" exclaimed Sam, rubbing the old gentleman's back, hard enough to set him on fire with the friction. " What are you a laughin' at, corpilence ? " "Hush! Sammy," said Mr. Weller, looking round him with increased caution, and speaking in a whisper : " Two friends o' mine, as works the Oxford Road, and is up to all kinds o' games, has got the deputy shepherd safe in tow, Sammy; and ven he does come to the Ebenezer Junction, (vich he's sure to do: for they'll see him to the door, and shove him in if necessary) he'll be as far gone in rum and water as ever he wos at the Markis o' Granby, Dorkin', and that's not sayin* a little neither." And with this, Mr. Weller once more laughed immoderately, and once more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation, in consequence. VISIT TO BRICK LANE. 63 Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Welle^s feelings, than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the red-nosed man ; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting, the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane : Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general post-office as they walked along. The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association, were held in a large room, pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious ladder. The president was the straight-walking Mr. Anthony Humm, a converted fireman, now a schoolmaster, and occasionally an itinerant preacher ; and the secretary was Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandler's shop-keeper, an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel, who sold tea to the members. Previous to the commencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and drank tea, till such time as they considered it expedient to leave off; and a large wooden money-box was conspicuously placed upon the green baize cloth of the business table, behind which the secretary stood, and acknowledged, with a gracious smile, every addition to the rich vein of copper which lay concealed within. On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming extent ; greatly to the horror of Mr. Weller senior, who, utterly regardless of all Sam's admonitory nudgings, stared about him in every direction with the most undisguised astonishment. "Sammy,'" whispered Mr. Weller, "if some o' these here people don't want tappin' to-morrow morning I ain't your father, and that's wot it is. Why, this here old lady next me is a drowndin' herself in tea." "Be quiet, can't you," murmured Sam. "Sam," whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone of deep agitation, "mark my vords, my boy. If that 'ere secretary fellow keeps on for only five minutes more, he'll blow hisself up with toast and water." 64 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Well, let him, if he likes," replied Sam; "it ain't no bis'ness o' yourn." " If this here lasts much longer, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, in the same low voice, "I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein 1 , to rise and address the cheer. There's a young 'ooman on the next form but two, as has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and she's a swellin' wisibly before my wery eyes." There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried his benevolent intention into immediate execution, if a great noise, occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers, had not very fortunately announced that the tea-drinking was over. The crockery having been removed, the table with the green baize cover was carried out into the centre of the room, and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man, with a bald head, and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, at the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs encased in the drab shorts, and said : "Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr. Anthony Humm, into the chair." The ladies waved a choice collection of pocket handkerchiefs at this proposition ; and the impetuous little man literally moved Mr. Humm into the chair, by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a mahogany- frame which had once represented that article of furniture. The waving of handkerchiefs was renewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek, white-faced man, in a perpetual perspiration, bowed meekly, to the great admiration of the females, and formally took his seat. Silence was then proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts, and Mr. Humm rose and said That, with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch brothers and sisters, then and there present, the secretary would read the report of the Brick Lane Branch committee ; a proposition which was again received with a demonstration of pocket- handkerchiefs. The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, and the cough which always seizes an assembly, when anything COMMITTEE'S REPORT. 65 particular is going to be done, having been duly performed, the following document was read : "REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANE BRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND JUNCTION EBENEZER TEMPERANCE ASSO- CIATION. "Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past month, and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following additional cases of converts to Temperance. "H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in better circumstances, owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale and beer ; says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week, for twenty years, taste 'dog's nose,' which your committee find upon inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter, moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg (a groan, and 'So it is ! ' from an elderly female.) Is now out of work and pennyless; thinks it must be the porter (cheers) or the loss of the use of his right hand ; is not certain which, but thinks it very likely that, if he had drank nothing but water all his life, his fellow work-man would never have stuck a rusty needle in him, and thereby occasioned his accident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water to drink, and never feels thirsty (great applause). "Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out charing and washing, by the day ; never had more than one eye, but knows her mother drank bottled stout, and shouldn't wonder if that caused it (immense cheering). Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained from spirits, she might have had two eyes by this time (tremendous applause). Used, at every place she went to, to have eighteen pence a day, a pint of porter, and a glass of spirits ; but since she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch, has always de- manded three and sixpence instead (the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with deafening enthusiasm). " Henry Seller was for many years toast-master at various VOL. II. F 66 THE PICKWICK CLUB. corporation dinners, during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine ; may sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him ; is not quite certain of that, but is sure if he did, that he drank the contents. Feels very low and melancholy, is very feverish, and has a constant thirst upon him ; thinks it must be the wine he used to drink (cheers). Is out of employ now : and never touches a drop of foreign wine by any chance (tremendous plaudits). "Thomas Burton is purveyor of cat's meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs, and several members of the Common Council (the announcement of this gentleman's name was received with breathless interest). Has a wooden leg; finds a wooden leg expensive, going over the stones; used to wear second-hand Avooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin and water regularly every night sometimes two (deep sighs). Found the second-hand wooden legs split and rot very quickly ; is firmly persuaded that their constitution was undermined by the gin and water (prolonged cheering). Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks nothing but water and weak tea. The new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, and he attributes this solely to his temperate habits (triumphant cheers). 11 Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song. With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment, brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of " Who hasn't heard of a Jolly Young Waterman ? " to the tune of the Old Hundredth, which he would request them to join him in singing (great applause). He might take that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the errors of his former life, had written that song to show the advantages of abstinence. It was a temperance song (whirlwinds of cheers). The neatness of the young man's attire, the dexterity of his feathering, the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words of the poet,, to " Row along, thinking of nothing at all," THE SOFT SEX. 67 all combined to prove that he must have been a water-drinker (cheers). Oh, what a state of virtuous jollity! (rapturous cheering.) And what was the young man's reward ? Let all young men present mark this : " The maidens all flock'd to his boat so readily." (Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example ! The sisterhood, the maidens, flocking round the young waterman, and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance. But, was it the maidens of humble life only, who soothed, consoled, and supported him? No! " He was always first oars with the fine city ladies." (immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man he begged pardon, to a female rallied round the young waterman, and turned with disgust from the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane Branch brothers were watermen (cheers and laughter). ' That room was their boat ; that audience were the maidens ; and he (Mr. Anthony Humm), however un- worthily, was "first oars" (unbounded applause). "Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy? 11 inquired Mr. Weller, in a whisper. "The womin," said Sam, in the same tone. " He ain't far out there, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller; " they must be a soft sex, a wery soft sex, indeed if they let themselves be gammoned by such fellers as him." Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short by the announcement of the song, which Mr. Anthony Humm gave out, two lines at a time, for the information of such of his hearers as were unacquainted with the legend. While it was being sung, the little man with the drab shorts disappeared; he returned immediately on its conclusion, and whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest importance. " My friends," said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a deprecatory manner, to bespeak the silence of such of the stout old ladies as were yet a line or two behind ; " my friends, 68 THE PICKWICK CLUB. a delegate from the Dorking branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, attends below." Out came the pocket-handkerchiefs again, in greater force than ever; for Mr. Stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of Brick Lane. "He may approach, I think," said Mr. Humm, looking round him, with a fat smile. "Brother Tadger, let him come forth and greet us." The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother Tadger, bustled down the ladder with great speed, and was immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the reverend Mr. Stiggins. "He's a comin', Sammy," whispered Mr. Weller, purple in the countenance with suppressed laughter. "Don't say nothin' to me," replied Sam, "for I can't bear it. He's close to the door. I heard him a-knockm 1 his head again the lath and plaster now." As Sam Weller spoke, the little door flew open, and brother Tadger appeared, closely followed by the reverend Mr. Stiggins, who no sooner entered, than there was a great clapping of hands, and stamping of feet, and flourishing of handkerchiefs ; to all of which manifestations of delight, Brother Stiggins returned no other acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye, and a fixed smile, at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table : swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a very unsteady and uncertain manner. " Are you unwell, brother Stiggins ? " whispered Mr. Anthony Humm. "I am all right, sir," replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in which ferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance ; " I am all right, sir." " Oh, very well," rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, retreating a few paces. "I believe no man here, has ventured to say that I am not all right, sir?" said Mr. Stiggins. " Oh, certainly not," said Mr. Humm. MR. STIGGINS IS "ALL RIGHT." 69 " I should advise him not to, sir ; I should advise him not," said Mr. Stiggins. By this time the audience were perfectly silent, and waited with some anxiety for the resumption of business. ""Will you address the meeting, brother?" said Mr. Humm, with a smile of invitation. " No, sir," rejoined Mr. Stiggins ; " No, sir. I will not, sir." The meeting looked at each other with raised eye-lids; and a murmur of astonishment ran through the room. " It's my opinion, sir," said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat, and speaking very loudly; "it's my opinion, sir, that this meeting is drunk, sir. Brother Tadger, sir ! " said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly increasing in ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts, "/OM are drunk, sir ! " With this, Mr. Stiggins, entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting, and to exclude therefrom all improper characters, hit brother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim, that the drab shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning. Brother Tadger had been knocked, head first, down the ladder. Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal screaming ; and rushing in small parties before their favourite brothers, flung their arms around them to preserve them from danger. An instance of affection, which had nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, being extremely popular, was all but suffocated, by the crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck, and heaped caresses upon him. The greater part of the lights were quickly put out, and nothing but noise and confusion resounded on all sides. " Now, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, taking off his great coat with much deliberation, "just you step out, and fetch in a watchman." " And wot are you a goin' to do, the while ? " inquired Sam. " Never you mind me, Sammy," replied the old gentleman ; " I shall ockipy myself in havin' a small settlement with that 'ere Stiggins." Before Sam could interfere to prevent it, his 70 THE PICKWICK CLUB. heroic parent had penetrated into a remote corner of the room, and attacked the reverend Mr. Stiggins with manual dexterity. "Come off!" said Sam. " Come on ! " cried Mr. Weller ; and without further invita- tion he gave the reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, and began dancing round him in a buoyant and cork-like manner, which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect marvel to behold. Finding all remonstrance unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmly on, threw his father's coat over his arm, and taking the old man round the waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street ; never releasing his hold, or per- mitting him to stop, until they reached the corner. As they gained it, they could hear the shouts of the populace, who were witnessing the removal of the reverend Mr. Stiggins to strong lodgings for the night: and could hear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association. CHAPTER XXXIV. IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK. " I WONDER what the foreman of the jury, whoever he'll be, has got for breakfast," said Mr. Snodgrass, by way of keeping up a conversation on the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February. " Ah ! " said Perker, " I hope he's got a good one." " Why so ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Highly important ; very important, my dear sir," replied Perker. "A good, contented, well-breakfasted juryman, is a capital thing to get hold of. Discontented or hungry jurymen, my dear sir, always find for the plaintiff." "Bless my heart," said Mr. Pickwick, looking very blank; "what do they do that for?" "Why, I don't know," replied the little man, coolly; " saves time, I suppose. If it's near dinner-time, the foreman takes out his watch when the jury has retired, and says, ' Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to five, I declare ! I dine at five, gentlemen.' 'So do I,' says every body else, except two men who ought to have dined at three, and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles, and puts up his watch: 'Well, gentlemen, what do we say, plaintiff or defendant, gentlemen? I rather think, so far as I am concerned, gentlemen, I say, I rather think, but don't let that influence you I rather think the 72 THE PICKWICK CLUB. plaintiff's the man.' Upon this, two or three other men are sure to say that they think so too as of course they do; and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably. Ten minutes past nine ! " said the little man, looking at his watch. "Time we were off, my dear sir; breach of promise trial court is generally full in such cases. You had better ring for a coach, my dear sir, or we shall be rather late." Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell ; and a coach having been procured, the four Pickwickians and Mr. Perker ensconced themselves therein, and drove to Guildhall ; Sam Weller, Mr. Lowten, and the blue bag, following in a cab. " Lowten," said Perker, when they reached the outer hall of the court, "put Mr. Pickwick's friends in the students' box; Mr. Pickwick himself had better sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this way." Taking Mr. Pickwick by the coat- sleeve, the little man led him to the low seat just beneath the desks of the King's Counsel, which is constructed for the convenience of attorneys, who from that spot can whisper into the ear of the leading counsel in the case, any instruc- tions that may be necessary during the progress of the trial. The occupants of this seat are invisible to the great body of spectators, inasmuch as they sit on a much lower level than either the barristers or the audience, whose seats are raised above the floor. Of course they have their backs to both, and their faces towards the judge. "That's the witness-box, I suppose?" said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a kind of pulpit, with a brass rail, on his left hand. "That's the witness-box, my dear sir," replied Perker, disinterring a quantity of papers from the blue bag, which Lowten had just deposited at his feet. "And that," said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on his right, "that's where the jurymen sit, is it not?" " The identical place, my dear sir," replied Perker, tapping the lid of his snuff-box. Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation, and IN COURT. 73 took a glance at the court. There were already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators in the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs, in the barristers 1 seats : who presented, as a body, all that pleasing and extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the bar of England is so justly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as had a brief to carry, carried it in as conspicuous a manner as possible, and occasionally scratched their noses therewith, to impress the fact more strongly on the observation of the spectators. Other gentlemen, who had no briefs to show, carried under their arms goodly octavos, with a red label behind, and that underdone-pie-crust-coloured cover, which is technically known as " law calf." Others, who had neither briefs nor books, thrust their hands into their pockets, and looked as wise as they conveniently could ; others, again, moved here and there with great restlessness and earnestness of manner, content to awaken thereby the admira- tion and astonishment of the uninitiated strangers. The whole, to the great wonderment of Mr. Pickwick, were divided into little groups, who were chatting and discussing the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner possible, just as if no trial at all were coming on. A bow from Mr. Phunky, as he entered, and took his seat behind the row appropriated to the King's Counsel, attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention; and he had scarcely returned it, when Mr. Serjeant Snubbin appeared, followed by Mr. Mallard, who half hid the Serjeant behind a large crimson bag, which he placed on his table, and, after shaking hands with Perker, withdrew. Then there entered two or three more Serjeants ; and among them, one with a fat body and a red face, who nodded in a friendly manner to Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, and said it was a fine morning. " Who's that red-faced man, who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to our counsel ? " whispered Mr. Pickwick. " Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz," replied Perker. " He's opposed to us ; he leads on the other side. That gentleman behind him is Mr. Skimpin, his junior." 74 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring, with great abhorrence of the man's cold-blooded villany, how Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, who was counsel for the opposite party, dared to presume to tell Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, who was counsel for him, that it was a fine morning, when he was interrupted by a general rising of the barristers, and a loud cry of " Silence ! " from the officers of the court. Looking round, he found that this was caused by the entrance of the judge. Mr. Justice Stareleigh (who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice, occasioned by indisposition), was a most particularly short man, and so fat, that he seemed all face and waistcoat. He rolled in, upon two little turned legs, and having bobbed gravely to the bar, who bobbed gravely to him, put his little legs underneath his table, and his little three-cornered hat upon it; and when Mr. Justice Stareleigh had done this, all you could see of him was two queer little eyes, one broad pink face, and somewhere about half of a big and very comical-looking wig. The judge had no sooner taken his seat, than the officer on the floor of the court called out " Silence ! " in a com- manding tone, upon which another officer in the gallery cried "Silence!" in an angry manner, whereupon three or four more ushers shouted " Silence ! " in a voice of indignant remonstrance. This being done, a gentleman in black, who sat below the judge, proceeded to call over the names of the jury; and after a great deal of bawling, it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were present. Upon this, Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz prayed a tales; the gentleman in black then proceeded to press into the special jury, two of the common jurymen; and a green-grocer and a chemist were caught directly. "Answer to your names, gentlemen, that you may be sworn," said the gentleman in black. "Richard Upwitch." " Here," said the green-grocer. "Thomas Groffin." " Here," said the chemist. THE CHEMIST SWORN ON THE JURY. 75 "Take the book, gentlemen. You shall well and truly try" "I beg this court's pardon," said the chemist, who was a tall, thin, yellow-visaged man, " but I hope this court will excuse my attendance. 1 ' 1 " On what grounds, sir ? " said Mr. Justice Stareleigh. " I have no assistant, my Lord," said the chemist. "I can't help that, sir," replied Mr. Justice Stareleigh. " You should hire one." " I can't afford it, my Lord," rejoined the chemist. "Then you ought to be able to afford it, sir," said the judge, reddening; for Mr. Justice Stareleigh's temper bordered on the irritable, and brooked not contradiction. "I know I ought to do, if I got on as well as I deserved, but I don't, my Lord," answered the chemist. " Swear the gentleman," said the judge, peremptorily. The officer had got no further than the " You shall well and truly try," when he was again interrupted by the chemist. " I am to be sworn, my Lord, am I ? " said the chemist. "Certainly, sir," replied the testy little judge. "Very well, my Lord," replied the chemist, in a resigned manner. "Then there'll be murder before this trial's over; that's all. Swear me, if you please, sir;" and sworn the chemist was, before the judge could find words to utter. " I merely wanted to observe, my Lord," said the chemist, taking his seat with great deliberation, " that I've left nobody but an errand-boy in my shop. He is a very nice boy, my Lord, but he is not acquainted with drugs; and I know that the prevailing impression on his mind is, that Epsom salts means oxalic acid; and syrup of senna, laudanum. That's all, my Lord." With this, the tall chemist composed himself into a comfortable attitude, and, assuming a pleasant expression of countenance, appeared to have prepared himself for the worst. Mr. Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the deepest horror, when a slight sensation was perceptible 76 THE PICKWICK CLUB. in the body of the court ; and immediately afterwards Mrs. Bardell, supported by Mrs. Cluppins, was led in, and placed, in a drooping state, at the other end of the seat on which Mr. Pickwick sat. An extra sized umbrella was then handed in by Mr. Dodson, and a pair of pattens by Mr. Fogg, each of whom had prepared a most sympathising and melancholy face for the occasion. Mrs. Sanders then appeared, leading in Master Bardell. At sight of her child, Mrs. Bardell started; suddenly recollecting herself, she kissed him in a frantic manner; then relapsing into a state of hysterical imbecility, the good lady requested to be informed where she was. In reply to this, Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders turned their heads away and wept, while Messrs. Dodson and Fogg intreated the plaintiff to compose herself. Serjeant Buzfuz rubbed his eyes very hard with a large white hand- kerchief, and gave an appealing look towards the jury, while the judge was visibly affected, and several of the beholders tried to cough down their emotions. "Very good notion that, indeed," whispered Perker to Mr. Pickwick. " Capital fellows those Dodson and Fogg ; excellent ideas of effect, my dear sir, excellent." As Perker spoke, Mrs. Bardell began to recover by slow degrees, while Mrs. Cluppins, after a careful survey of Master BardelPs buttons and the button-holes to which they severally belonged, placed him on the floor of the court in front of his mother, a commanding position in which he could not fail to awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of both judge and jury. This was not done without considerable opposition, and many tears, on the part of the young gentleman himself, who had certain inward misgivings that the placing him within the full glare of the judge's eye was only a formal prelude to his being immediately ordered away for instant execution, or for transportation beyond the seas, during the whole term of his natural life, at the very least. " Bardell and Pickwick," cried the gentleman in black, calling on the case, which stood first on the list. THE PLAINTIFFS CASE OPENED. 77 " I am for the plaintiff, my Lord, 11 said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz. " Who is with you, brother Buzfuz ? " said the judge. Mr. Skimpin bowed, to intimate that he was. " I appear for the defendant, my Lord," said Mr. Serjeant Snubbin. " Anybody with you, brother Snubbin ? " inquired the court. "Mr. Phunky, my Lord, 11 replied Serjeant Snubbin. "Serjeant Buzfuz and Mr. Skimpin for the plaintiff, 11 said the judge, writing down the names in his note-book, and reading as he wrote; "for the defendant, Serjeant Snubbin and Mr. Monkey. 11 "Beg your Lordship^ pardon, Phunky. 11 " Oh, very good," said the judge ; " I never had the pleasure of hearing the gentleman's name before. 11 Here Mr. Phunky bowed and smiled, and the judge bowed and smiled too, and then Mr. Phunky, blushing into the very whites of his eyes, tried to look as if he didn't know that everybody was gazing at him : a thing which no man ever succeeded in doing yet, or in all reasonable probability, ever will. " Go on, 11 said the judge. The ushers again called silence, and Mr. Skimpin proceeded to " open the case ; " and the case appeared to have very little inside it when he had opened it, for he kept such particulars as he knew, completely to himself, and sat down, after a lapse of three minutes, leaving the jury in precisely the same advanced stage of wisdom as they were in before. Serjeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty and dignity which the grave nature of the proceedings demanded, and having whispered to Dodson, and conferred briefly with Fogg, pulled his gown over his shoulders, settled his wig, and addressed the jury. Serjeant Buzfuz began by saying, that never, in the whole course of his professional experience never, from the very first moment of his applying himself to the study and practice of the law had he approached a case with feelings of such deep emotion, or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility 78 THE PICKWICK CLUB. imposed upon him a responsibility, he would say, which he could never have supported, were he not buoyed up and sus- tained by a conviction so strong, that it amounted to positive certainty that the cause of truth and justice, or, in other words, the cause of his much-injured and most oppressed client, must prevail with the high-minded and intelligent dozen of men whom he now saw in that box before him. Counsel usually begin in this way, because it puts the jury on the very best terms with themselves, and makes them think what sharp fellows they must be. A visible effect was produced immediately; several jurymen beginning to take voluminous notes with the utmost eagerness. " You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen," con- tinued Serjeant Buzfuz, well knowing that, from the learned friend alluded to, the gentlemen of the jury had heard just nothing at all "you have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen, that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage, in which the damages are laid at ,1,500. But you have not heard from my learned friend, inasmuch as it did not come within my learned friend's province to tell you, what are the facts and circumstances of the case. Those facts and circumstances, gentlemen, you shall hear detailed by me, and proved by the unimpeachable female whom I will place in that box before you. 1 ' Here Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, with a tremendous emphasis on the word "box," smote his table with a mighty sound, and glanced at Dodson and Fogg, who nodded admiration of the serjeant, and indignant defiance of the defendant. "The plaintiff, gentlemen," continued Serjeant Buzfuz, in a soft and melancholy voice, "the plaintiff is a widow; yes, gentlemen, a widow. The late Mr. Bardell, after enjoying, for many years, the esteem and confidence of his sovereign, as one of the guardians of his royal revenues, glided almost imperceptibly from the world, to seek elsewhere for that repose and peace which a custom-house can never afford." At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr. Bardell, SERJEANT BUZFUZ CONTINUES. 79 who had been knocked on the head with a quart-pot in a public-house cellar, the learned Serjeant's voice faltered, and he proceeded with emotion : " Some time before his death, he had stamped his likeness upon a little boy. With this little boy, the only pledge of her departed exciseman, Mrs. Bardell shrunk from the world, and courted the retirement and tranquillity of Goswell Street ; and here she placed in her front parlour-window a written placard, bearing this inscription ' Apartments furnished for a single gentleman. Inquire within.''" Here Serjeant Buzfuz paused, while several gentlemen of the jury took a note of the document. " There is no date to that, is there, sir ? " inquired a juror. " There is no date, gentlemen, 11 replied Serjeant Buzfuz ; " but I am instructed to say that it was put in the plaintiffs parlour- window just this time three years. I intreat the attention of the jury to the wording of this document. ' Apartments furnished for a single gentleman "* ! Mrs. BardelFs opinions of the opposite sex, gentlemen, were derived from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualities of her lost husband. She had no fear, she had no distrust, she had no suspicion, all was confidence and reliance. *Mr. Bardell, 1 said the widow; 'Mr. Bardell was a man of honour, Mr. Bardell was a man of his word, Mr. Bardell was no deceiver, Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself; to single gentlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for comfort, and for consolation; in single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr. Bardell was, when he first won my young and untried affections; to a single gentleman, then, shall my lodgings be let. 1 Actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse (among the best impulses of our imperfect nature, gentlemen,) the lonely and desolate widow dried her tears, furnished her first floor, caught the innocent boy to her maternal bosom, and put the bill up in her parlour- window. Did it remain there long? No. The serpent was on the watch, the train was laid, the mine was 80 THE PICKWICK CLUB. preparing, the sapper and miner was at work. Before the bill had been in the parlour-window three days three days gentlemen a Being, erect upon two legs, and bearing all the outward semblance of a man, and not of a monster, knocked at the door of Mrs. BardelPs house. He inquired within ; he took the lodgings ; and on the very next day he entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick Pickwick, the defendant. 1 ' Serjeant Buzfuz, who had proceeded with such volubility that his face was perfectly crimson, here paused for breath. The silence awoke Mr. Justice Stareleigh, who immediately wrote down something with a pen without any ink in it, and looked unusually profound, to impress the jury with the belief that he always thought most deeply with his eyes shut. Serjeant Buzfuz proceeded. "Of this man Pickwick I will say little; the subject presents but few attractions ; and I, gentlemen, am not the man, nor are you, gentlemen, the men, to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness, and of systematic villany. 11 Here Mr. Pickwick, who had been writhing in silence for some time, gave a violent start, as if some vague idea of assaulting Serjeant Buzfuz, in the august presence of justice and law, suggested itself to his mind. An admonitory gesture from Perker restrained him, and he listened to the learned gentleman's continuation with a look of indignation, which contrasted forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders. " I say systematic villany, gentlemen, 11 said Serjeant Buzfuz, looking through Mr. Pickwick, and talking at him; "and when I say systematic villany, let me tell the defendant Pick- wick, if he be in court, as I am informed he is, that it would have been more decent in him, more becoming, in better judgment, and in better taste, if he had stopped away. Let me tell him, gentlemen, that any gestures of dissent or dis- approbation in which he may indulge in this court will not A LITTLE DIVERGENCE. 81 go down with you; that you will know how to value and how to appreciate them ; and let me tell him further, as my lord will tell you, gentlemen, that a counsel, in the discharge of his duty to his client, is neither to be intimidated nor bullied, nor put down; and that any attempt to do either the one or the other, or the first, or the last, will recoil on the head of the attempter, be he plaintiff or be he defendant, be his name Pickwick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or Thompson." This little divergence from the subject in hand, had of course, the intended effect of turning all eyes to Mr. Pick- wick. Sergeant Buzfuz, having partially recovered from the state of moral elevation into which he had lashed himself, resumed . " I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years Pickwick continued to reside constantly, and without interruption or intermission, at Mrs. BardelFs house. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell, during the whole of that time waited on him, attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen for the washerwoman when it went abroad, darned, aired, and prepared it for wear, when it came home, and, in short, enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you that, on many occasions, he gave halfpence, and on some occasions even sixpences, to her little boy ; and I shall prove to you, by a witness whose testimony it will be im- possible for my learned friend to weaken or controvert, that on one occasion he patted the boy on the head, and, after inquiring whether he had won any alley tors or commoneys lately (both of which I understand to be a particular species of marbles much prized by the youth of this town), made use of this remarkable expression : * How should you like to have another father? 1 I shall prove to you, gentlemen, that about a year ago, Pickwick suddenly began to absent himself from home, during long intervals, as if with the intention of gradually breaking off from my client ; but I shall show you also, that his resolution was not at that time sufficiently VOL. II G 82 THE PICKWICK CLUB. strong, or that his better feelings conquered, if better feelings he has, or that the charms and accomplishments of my client prevailed against his unmanly intentions; by proving to you, that on one occasion, when he returned from the country, he distinctly and in terms, offered her marriage : previously however, taking special care that there should be no witness to their solemn contract; and I am in a situation to prove to you, on the testimony of three of his own friends, most unwilling witnesses, gentlemen most unwilling witnesses that on that morning he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and soothing her agitation by his caresses and endearments."" A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the learned Serjeant's address. Drawing forth two very small scraps of paper, he proceeded : "And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters have passed between these parties, letters which are admitted to be in the hand-writing of the defendant, and which speak volumes indeed. These letters, too, bespeak the character of the man. They are not open, fervent, eloquent epistles, breathing nothing but the language of affectionate attach- ment. They are covert, sly, underhanded communications, but, fortunately, far more conclusive than if couched in the most glowing language and the most poetic imagery letters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eye letters that were evidently intended at the time, by Pickwick, to mislead and delude any third parties into whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first : * Garraway's, twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. B. Chops and Tomata sauce. Yours, PICKWICK.' Gentlemen, what does this mean? Chops and Tomata sauce. Yours, Pickwick ! Chops ! Gracious heavens ! and Tomata sauce ! Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away, by such shallow artifices as these ? The next has no date whatever, which is in itself suspicious. ' Dear Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till to-morrow. Slow coach.' And then follows this very SERJEANT BUZFUZ CONCLUDES. 83 remarkable expression. * Don't trouble yourself about the warming-pan.' The warming pan! Why, gentlemen, who does trouble himself about a warming-pan? When was the peace of mind of man or Woman broken or disturbed by a warming-pan, which is in itself a harmless, a useful, and I will add, gentlemen, a comforting article of domestic furniture ? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnestly entreated not to agitate herself about this warming-pan, unless (as is no doubt the case) it is a mere cover for hidden fire a mere substitute for some endearing word or promise, agreeably to a precon- certed system of correspondence, artfully contrived by Pick- wick with a view to his contemplated desertion, and which I am not in a condition to explain ? And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean ? For aught I know, it may be a reference to Pickwick himself, who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow coach during the whole of this transac- tion, but whose speed will now be very unexpectedly accele- rated, and whose wheels, gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon be greased by you ! " Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz paused in this place, to see whether the jury smiled at his joke; but as nobody took it but the green-grocer, whose sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned by his having subjected a chaise-cart to the process in question on that identical morning, the learned serjeant considered it advisable to undergo a slight relapse into the dismals before he concluded. " But enough of this, gentlemen," said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, "it is difficult to smile with an aching heart; it is ill jesting when our deepest sympathies are awakened. My client's hopes and prospects are ruined, and it is no figure of speech to say that her occupation is gone indeed. The bill is down but there is no tenant. Eligible single gentlemen pass and repass but there is no invitation for them to inquire within or without. All is gloom and silence in the house; even the voice of the child is hushed ; his infant sports are disregarded when his mother weeps; his 'alley tors 1 and 84 THE PICKWICK CLUB. his 'commoneys' are alike neglected; he forgets the long familiar cry of ' knuckle down, 1 and at tip-cheese, or odd and even, his hand is out. But Pickwick, gentlemen, Pickwick, the ruthless destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell Street Pickwick, who has choked up the well, and thrown ashes on the sward Pickwick, who comes before you to-day with his heartless Tomata sauce and warming-pans Pickwick still rears his head with unblushing effrontery, and gazes without a sigh on the ruin he has made. Damages, gentlemen heavy damages is the only punishment with which you can visit him ; the only recompence you can award to my client. And for those damages she now appeals to an enlightened, a high-minded, a right-feeling, a conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathising, a contemplative jury of her civilised countrymen." With this beautiful peroration, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz sat down, and Mr. Justice Stareleigh woke up. " Call Elizabeth Cluppins," said Serjeant Buzfuz, rising a minute afterwards, with renewed vigour. The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Tuppins; another one, at a little distance off, demanded Elizabeth Jupkins ; and a third rushed in a breathless state into King Street, and screamed for Elizabeth Muffins till he was hoarse. Meanwhile Mrs. Cluppins, with the combined assistance of Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, Mr. Dodson, and Mr. Fogg, was hoisted into the witness-box ; and when she was safely perched on the top step, Mrs. Bardell stood on the bottom one, with the pocket-handkerchief and pattens in one hand, and a glass bottle that might hold about a quarter of a pint of smelling salts in the other, ready for any emergency. Mrs. Sanders, whose eyes were intently fixed on the judge's face, planted herself close by, with the large umbrella: keeping her right thumb pressed on the spring with an earnest countenance, as if she were fully prepared to put it up at a moment's notice. "Mrs. Cluppins," said Serjeant Buzfuz, "pray com- pose yourself, ma'am. 1 ' Of course, directly Mrs. Cluppins was desired to compose herself she sobbed with increased MRS. CLUPPINS IN THE BOX. 85 vehemence, and gave divers alarming manifestations of an approaching fainting fit, or, as she afterwards said, of her feelings being too many for her. "Do you recollect, Mrs. Cluppins?" said Serjeant Buzfuz, after a few unimportant questions, "do you recollect being in Mrs. Bardell's back one pair of stairs, on one particular morning in July last, when she was dusting Pickwick's apartment ? " " Yes, my Lord and Jury, I do," replied Mrs. Cluppins. "Mr. Pickwick's sitting-room was the first-floor front, I believe ? " "Yes, it were, sir," replied Mrs. Cluppins. "What were you doing in the back room, ma'am?"" in- quired the little judge. " My Lord and Jury," said Mrs. Cluppins, with interesting agitation, " I will not deceive you." " You had better not, ma'am," said the little judge. "I was there," resumed Mrs. Cluppins, "unbeknown to Mrs. Bardell ; I had been out with a little basket, gentlemen, to buy three pound of red kidney purtaties, which was three pound tuppense ha'penny, when I see Mrs. Bardell's street door on the jar." "On the what?" exclaimed the little judge. "Partly open, my Lord," said Serjeant Snubbin. " She said on the jar," said the little judge, with a cunning look. "It's all the same, my Lord," said Serjeant Snubbin. The little judge looked doubtful, and said he'd make a note of it. Mrs. Cluppins then resumed : "I walked in, gentlemen, just to say good mornm', and went, in a permiscuous manner, up stairs, and into the back room. Gentlemen, there was the sound of voices in the front room, and " "And you listened, I believe, Mrs. Cluppins?" said Serjeant Buzfuz. "Beggin' your pardon, sir," replied Mrs. Cluppins, in a 86 THE PICKWICK CLUB. majestic manner, "I would scorn the haction. The voices was very loud, sir, and forced themselves upon my ear. 11 "Well, Mrs. Cluppins, you were not listening, but you heard the voices. Was one of those voices, Pickwick's ? " " Yes, it were, sir. 1 ' And Mrs. Cluppins, after distinctly stating that Mr. Pick- wick addressed himself to Mrs. Bardell, repeated, by slow degrees, and by dint of many questions, the conversation with which our readers are already acquainted. The jury looked suspicious, and Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz smiled and sat down. They looked positively awful when Serjeant Snubbin intimated that he should not cross-examine the witness, for Mr. Pickwick wished it to be distinctly stated that it was due to her to say, that her account was in sub- stance correct. Mrs. Cluppins having once broken the ice, thought it a favourable opportunity for entering into a short dissertation on her own domestic affairs; so, she straightway proceeded to inform the court that she was the mother of eight children at that present speaking, and that she entertained confident expectations of presenting Mr. Cluppins with a ninth, some- where about that day six months. At this interesting point, the little judge interposed most irascibly ; and the effect of the interposition was, that both the worthy lady and Mrs. Sanders were politely taken out of court, under the escort of Mr. Jackson, without further parley. "Nathaniel Winkle! 11 said Mr. Skimpin. "Here! 11 replied a feeble voice. Mr. Winkle entered the witness box, and having been duly sworn, bowed to the judge with considerable deference. "Don't look at me, sir," said the judge, sharply, in acknow- ledgment of the salute; "look at the jury. 11 Mr. Winkle obeyed the mandate, and looked at the place where he thought it most probable the jury might be ; for seeing anything in his then state of intellectual complication was wholly out of the question. MR. WINKLE IN THE BOX. 87 Mr. Winkle was then examined by Mr. Skimpin, who, being a promising young man of two or three and forty, was of course anxious to confuse a witness who was notoriously predisposed in favour of the other side, as much as he could. " Now, sir," said Mr. Skimpin, " have the goodness to let his Lordship and the jury know what your name is, will you?" and Mr. Skimpin inclined his head on one side to listen with great sharpness to the answer, and glanced at the jury mean- while, as if to imply that he rather expected Mr. Winkle's natural taste for perjury would induce him to give some name which did not belong to him. "Winkle,"" replied the witness. "What's your Christian name, sir?" angrily inquired the little judge. "Nathaniel, sir." " Daniel, any other name ? " "Nathaniel, sir my Lord, I mean." " Nathaniel Daniel, or Daniel Nathaniel ? " " No, my Lord, only Nathaniel ; not Daniel at all." " What did you tell me it was Daniel for, then, sir ? " inquired the judge. " I didn't, my Lord," replied Mr. Winkle. "You did, sir," replied the judge, with a severe frown. " How could I have got Daniel on my notes, unless you told me so, sir ? " This argument, was, of course, unanswerable. " Mr. Winkle has rather a short memory, my Lord," inter- posed Mr. Skimpin, with another glance at the jury. " We shall find means to refresh it before we have quite done with him, I dare say." " You had better be careful, sir," said the little judge, with a sinister look at the witness. Poor Mr. Winkle bowed, and endeavoured to feign an easiness of manner, which, in his then state of confusion, gave him rather the air of a disconcerted pickpocket. " Now, Mr. Winkle," said Mr. Skimpin, " attend to me, if 88 THE PICKWICK CLUB. you please, sir; and let me recommend you, for your own sake, to bear in mind his Lordship's injunction to be careful. I believe you are a particular friend of Pickwick, the defendant, are you not ? " " I have known Mr. Pickwick now, as well as I recollect at this moment, nearly " "Pray, Mr. Winkle, do not evade the question. Are you, or are you not, a particular friend of the defendant's ? " "I was just about to say, that " " Will you, or will you not, answer my question, sir ? " " If you don't answer the question you'll be committed, sir," interposed the little judge, looking over his note-book. " Come, sir," said Mr. Skim pin, " yes or no, if you please." " Yes, I am," replied Mr. Winkle. " Yes, you are. And why couldn't you say that at once, sir ? Perhaps you know the plaintiff, too ? Eh, Mr. Winkle ? " "I don't know her; I've seen her." "Oh, you don't know her, but you've seen her? Now, have the goodness to tell the gentlemen of the jury what you mean by that, Mr. Winkle." "I mean that I am not intimate with her, but I have seen her when I went to call on Mr. Pickwick in Goswell Street." "How often have you seen her, sir?" "How often?" " Yes, Mr. Winkle, how often ? I'll repeat the question for you a dozen times, if you require it, sir." And the learned gentleman, with a firm and steady frown, placed his hands on his hips, and smiled suspiciously at the jury. On this question there arose the edifying brow-beating, customary on such points. First of all, Mr. Winkle said it was quite impossible for him to say how many times he had seen Mrs. Bardell. Then he was asked if he had seen her twenty times, to which he replied, "Certainly, more than that." Then he was asked whether he hadn't seen her a hundred times whether he couldn't swear that he had seen DAMAGING EVIDENCE. 89 her more than fifty times whether he didn't know that he had seen her at least seventy-five times and so forth; the satisfactory conclusion which was arrived at, at last, being, that he had better take care of himself, and mind what he was about. The witness having been by these means reduced to the requisite ebb of nervous perplexity, the examination was continued as follows : "Pray, Mr. Winkle, do you remember calling on the defendant Pickwick at these apartments in the plaintiff's house in Goswell Street, on one particular morning, in the month of July last ? " " Yes, I do." " Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the name of Tupman, and another of the name of Snodgrass ? " " Yes, I was." "Are they here? " Yes, they are, 11 replied Mr. Winkle, looking very earnestly towards the spot where his friends were stationed. " Pray attend to me, Mr. Winkle, and never mind your friends," said Mr. Skimpin, with another expressive look at the jury. " They must tell their stories without any previous consultation with you, if none has yet taken place (another look at the jury). Now, sir, tell the gentlemen of the jury what you saw on entering the defendant's room, on this particular morning. Come; out with it, sir; we must have it, sooner or later." "The defendant, Mr. Pickwick, was holding the plaintiff in his arms, with his hands clasping her waist," replied Mr. Winkle with natural hesitation, " and the plaintiff' appeared to have fainted away." " Did you hear the defendant say anything ? " "I heard him call Mrs. Bardell a good creature, and I heard him ask her to compose herself, for what a situation it was, if any body should come, or words to that effect." "Now, Mr. Winkle, I have only one more question to ask you, and I beg you to bear in mind his lordship's caution. 90 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Will you undertake to swear that Pickwick, the defendant, did not say on the occasion in question, 'My dear Mrs. Bardell, you're a good creature ; compose yourself to this situation, for to this situation you must come, 1 or words to that effect ? " " I I didn't understand him so, certainly," said Mr. Winkle, astounded at this ingenious dove-tailing of the few words he had heard. "I was on the staircase, and couldn't hear distinctly ; the impression on my mind is " " The gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on your mind, Mr. Winkle, which I fear would be of little service to honest, straightforward men," interposed Mr. Skimpin. " You were on the staircase, and didn't distinctly hear; but you will not swear that Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have quoted? Do I understand that?" "No, I will not," replied Mr. Winkle; and down sat Mr. Skimpin with a triumphant countenance. Mr. Pickwick's case had not gone off' in so particularly happy a manner, up to this point, that it could very well afford to have any additional suspicion cast upon it. But as it could afford to be placed in a rather better light, if possible, Mr. Phunky rose for the purpose of getting some- thing important out of Mr. Winkle in cross-examination. Whether he did get anything important out of him, will immediately appear. "I believe, Mr. Winkle," said Mr. Phunky, "that Mr. Pickwick is not a young man ? " " Oh no," replied Mr. Winkle, " old enough to be my father." "You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr. Pickwick a long time. Had you ever any reason to suppose or believe that he was about to be married ? " " Oh no ; certainly not ; " replied Mr. Winkle with so much eagerness, that Mr. Phunky ought to have got him out of the box with all possible dispatch. Lawyers hold that there are two kinds of particularly bad witnesses : a reluctant AN UNFORTUNATE ADMISSION. 91 witness, and a too-willing witness ; it was Mr. Winkle's fate to figure in both characters. " I will even go further than this, Mr. Winkle,"" continued Mr. Phunky in a most smooth and complacent manner. "Did you ever see anything in Mr. Pickwick's manner and conduct towards the opposite sex, to induce you to believe that he ever contemplated matrimony of late years, in any case?" " Oh no ; certainly not," replied Mr. Winkle. " Has his behaviour, when females have been in the case, always been that of a man, who, having attained a pretty advanced period of life, content with his own occupations and amusements, treats them only as a father might his daughters ? " Not the least doubt of it," replied Mr. Winkle, in the fulness of his heart. " That is yes oh yes certainly." " You have never known anything in his behaviour towards Mrs. Bardell, or any other female, in the least degree sus- picious ? " said Mr. Phunky, preparing to sit down ; for Ser- jeant Snubbin was winking at him. "N n no," replied Mr. Winkle, "except on one trifling occasion, which, I have no doubt, might be easily explained." Now, if the unfortunate Mr. Phunky had sat down when Serjeant Snubbin winked at him, or if Serjeant Buzfuz had stopped this irregular cross-examination at the outset (which he knew better than to do; observing Mr. Winkle's anxiety, and well knowing it would, in all probability, lead to some- thing serviceable to him), this unfortunate admission would not have been elicited. The moment the words fell from Mr. Winkle's lips, Mr. Phunky sat down, and Serjeant Snubbin rather hastily told him he might leave the box, which Mr. Winkle prepared to do with great readiness, when Serjeant Buzfuz stopped him. "Stay, Mr. Winkle, stay!" said Serjeant Buzfuz, "will your lordship have the goodness to ask him, what this one instance of suspicious behaviour towards females on the part of this gentleman, who is old enough to be his father, was ? " 92 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "You hear what the learned counsel says, sir," observed the judge, turning to the miserable and agonized Mr. Winkle. " Describe the occasion to which you refer." "My lord," said Mr. Winkle, trembling with anxiety, " I Fd rather not.' "Perhaps so," said the little judge; "but you must." Amid the profound silence of the whole court, Mr. Winkle faltered out, that the trifling circumstance of suspicion was Mr. Pickwick's being found in a lady's sleeping apartment at midnight; which had terminated, he believed, in the breaking off of the projected marriage of the lady in question, and had led, he knew, to the whole party being forcibly carried before George Nupkins, Esq., magistrate and justice of the peace, for the borough of Ipswich ! "You may leave the box, sir," said Serjeant Snubbin. Mr. Winkle did leave the box, and rushed with delirious haste to the George and Vulture, where he was discovered some hours after, by the waiter, groaning in a hollow and dismal manner, with his head buried beneath the sofa cushions. Tracy Tupman, and Augustus Snodgrass, were severally called into the box ; both corroborated the testimony of their unhappy friend ; and each was driven to the verge of despera- tion by excessive badgering. Susannah Sanders was then called, and examined by Serjeant Buzfuz, and cross-examined by Serjeant Snubbin. Had always said and believed that Pickwick would marry Mrs. Bardell ; knew that Mrs. Bardell's being engaged to Pickwick was the current topic of conversation in the neighbourhood, after the fainting in July ; had been told it herself by Mrs. Mud- berry which kept a mangle, and Mrs. Bunkin which clear- starched, but did not see either Mrs. Mudberry or Mrs. Bunkin in court. Had heard Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to have another father. Did not know that Mrs. Bardell was at that time keeping company with the baker, but . '(;;!'. .tuotn l Mt oirt i . jjaotl ,iminLfur

b ono oini buol twntii 10 ; 't fed-ad &sdi hi< ilt 'io drft e*Ri--' ! iiiii'ib 'to {r.K? o/fi ;< '.['* .vi'ru ,.; nj'.Tt ji'jis aifi bins ^wxl iw o*t i .livf i-iwi' 1 -^ ,J!Hon f)iuurt. ffenk aw 41 ' Ji J! - . - ; , M H,,,; -Jj-Kj' ov/j ''> i-foiil'-'f ' trf Ifu biiarf JB >nJb fij ^oht uriT I- .tpbn&fri Jt vlinhit oa : tarf |J if ' CHAPTER XLV. DESCRIPTIVE OF AN* AFFECTING INTERVIEW BETWEEN MR. SAMUEL WELLER AND A FAMILY PARTY. MR. PICKWICK MAKES A TOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE WORLD HE INHABITS, AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT, IN FUTURE, AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. A FEW mornings after his incarceration, Mr. Samuel Weller, having arranged his masters room with all possible care, and seen him comfortably seated over his books and papers, with- drew to employ himself for an hour or two to come, as he best could. It was a fine morning, and it occurred to Sam that a pint of porter in the open air would lighten his next quarter of an hour or so, as well as any little amusement in which he could indulge. Having arrived at this conclusion, he betook himself to the tap. Having purchased the beer, and obtained, moreover, the day-but-one-before-yesterday's paper, he repaired to the skittle-ground, and seating himself on a bench, proceeded to enjoy himself in a very sedate and methodical manner. First of all, he took a refreshing draught of the beer, and then he looked up at a window, and bestowed a Platonic wink on a young lady who was peeling potatoes thereat. Then he opened the paper, and folded it so as to get the police reports outwards; and this being a vexatious and difficult thing to do, when there is any wind stirring, he took another draught of the beer when he had accomplished it. Then, he read two lines of the paper, and stopped short, to 268 THE PICKWICK CLUB. look at a couple of men who were finishing a game at rackets, which being concluded, he cried out "wery good" in an approving manner, and looked round upon the spectators, to ascertain whether their sentiments coincided with his own. This involved the necessity of looking up at the windows also; and as the young lady was still there, it was an act of common politeness to wink again, and to drink to her good health in dumb show, in another draught of the beer, which Sam did ; and having frowned hideously upon a small boy who had noted this latter proceeding with open eyes, he threw one leg over the other, and, holding the newspaper in both hands, began to read in real earnest. He had hardly composed himself into the needful state of abstraction, when he thought he heard his own name pro- claimed in some distant passage. Nor was he mistaken, for it quickly passed from mouth to mouth, and in a few seconds the air teemed with shouts of " Weller ! " "Here!"" roared Sam, in a stentorian voice* "Wots the matter? Who wants him? Has an express come to say that his country-house is a-fire ? " "Somebody wants you in the hall, 11 said a man who was standing by. "Just mind that ^re paper and the pot, old feller, will you? 11 said Sam. "I'm a comin 1 . Blessed, if they was a callin 1 me to the bar, they couldn^ make more noise about it! 11 Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of the young gentleman before noticed, who, unconscious of his close vicinity to the person in request, was screaming " Weller ! " with all his might, Sam hastened across the ground, and ran up the steps into the hall. Here, the first object that met his eyes was his beloved father sitting on a bottom stair, with his hat in his hand, shouting out "Weller! 11 in his very loudest tone, at half-minute intervals. "Wot are you a roarin 1 at? 11 said Sam impetuously, when the old gentleman had discharged himself of another shout ; SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER 269 " makin' yourself so precious hot that you looks like a aggra- wated glass-blower. Wot's the matter?" " Aha ! " replied the old gentleman, " I began to be afeerd that you'd gone for a walk round the Regency Park, Sammy."" " Come, 1 ' said Sam, " none o 1 them taunts agin the wictim o' avarice, and come off that 'ere step. Wot are you a settin' down there for? I don't live there." 1 "I've got such a game for you, Sammy," said the elder Mr. Weller, rising. "Stop a minit," said Sam, "you're all vite behind." "That's right, Sammy, rub it off," 1 said Mr. Weller, as his son dusted him. " It might look personal here, if a man walked about with whitevash on his clothes, eh, Sammy?" As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symp- toms of an approaching fit of chuckling, Sam interposed to stop it. " Keep quiet, do," said Sam, " there never vos such a old picter-card born. Wot are you bustin 1 vith, now?" "Sammy," said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, "I'm afeerd that vun o' these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy, my boy." "Veil, then, wot do you do it for?" said Sam. "Now; wot have you got to say?" " Who do you think's come here with me, Samivel ? " said Mr. Weller, drawing back a pace or two, pursing up his mouth, and extending his eyebrows. "Pell?" said Sam. Mr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheek expanded with the laughter that was endeavouring to find a vent. " Mottled-faced man, p'r'aps ? " suggested Sam. Again Mr. Weller shook his head. "Who then?" asked Sam. "Your mother-in-law," said Mr. Weller; and it was lucky he did say it, or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked, from their most unnatural distension. " Your mother-in-law, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, " and the 270 THE PICKWICK CLUB. red-nosed man, my boy; and the red-nosed man. Ho! ho! ho!" With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter, while Sam regarded him with a broad grin gradually over- spreading his whole countenance. "They've come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. "Don't let out nothin' about the unnatural creditor, Sammy." " Wot, don't they know who it is ? " inquired Sam. " Not a bit on it," replied his father. " Vere are they ? " said Sam, reciprocating all the old gentle- man's grins. "In the snuggery," rejoined Mr. Weller. "Catch the red-nosed man a goin' any vere but vere the liquors is ; not he, Samivel, not he. Ve'd a wery pleasant ride along the road from the Markis this mornin', Sammy," said Mr. Weller, when he felt himself equal to the task of speaking in an articulate manner. "I drove the old piebald in that 'ere little shay-cart as belonged to your mother-in-law's first wenter, into vich a harm-cheer wos lifted for the shepherd ; and I'm blest," said Mr. Weller, with a look of deep scorn : " I'm blest if they didn't bring a portable flight o' steps out into the road a front o' our door, for him to get up by," " You don't mean that ? " said Sam. "I do mean that, Sammy," replied his father, "and I vish you could ha' seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get up, as if he wos afeerd o" being precipitayted down full six foot, and dashed into a million o' hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, and avay he vent ; and I rayther think, I say I rayther think, Samivel, that he found his self a little jolted wen ve turned the corners." "Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?" said Sam. "I'm afeerd," replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of winks, " I'm afeerd I took vun or two on 'em, Sammy ; he wos a flyin' out o' the harm-cheer all the way." APOPLECTIC SYMPTOMS. 271 Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, and was seized with a hoarse internal rumbling, accompanied with a violent swelling of the countenance, and a sudden increase in the breadth of all his features ; symptoms which alarmed his son not a little. "Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frightened,"" said the old gentleman, when, by dint of much struggling, and various convulsive stamps upon the ground, he had recovered his voice. " It's only a kind o' quiet laugh as I'm a tryin' to come, Sammy. 11 "Well, if that's wot it is," said Sam, "you'd better not try to come it agin. You'll find it rayther a dangerous inwention." "Don't you like it, Sammy?" inquired the old gentleman. " Not at all," replied Sam. " Well," said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down his cheeks, " it 'ud ha' been a wery great accommodation to me if I could ha' done it, and 'ud ha' saved a good many vords atween your mother-in-law and me, sometimes; but I am afeerd you're right, Sammy : it's too much in the apple- plexy line a deal too much, Samivel." This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery, into Avhich Sam pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder, and cast a sly leer at his respected progenitor, who was still giggling behind at once led the way. " Mother-in-law," said Sam, politely saluting the lady, "wery much obliged to you for this here wisit Shepherd, how air you ? " " Oh, Samuel ! " said Mrs. Weller. " This is dreadful." " Not a bit on it, mum," replied Sam. " Is it, shepherd ? " Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, till the whites or rather the yellows were alone visible ; but made no reply in words. "Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled vith any painful com- plaint?" said Sam, looking to his mother-in-law for ex- planation. 272 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " The good man is grieved to see you here, Samuel, 1 " replied Mrs. Weller. Oh, that's it, is it?" said Sam. "I was afeerd, from his manner, that he might ha" 1 forgotten to take pepper vith that 'ere last cowcumber he eat. Set down, sir; ve make no extra charge for the settin 1 down, as the king remarked wen he blowed up his ministers." " Young man," said Mr. Stiggins, ostentatiously, " I fear you are not softened by imprisonment." "Beg your pardon, sir," replied Sam; "wot wos you graciously pleased to hobserve?" "I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for this chastening," said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice, " Sir," replied Sam, " you're wery kind to say so. I hope my natur is not a soft vun, sir. Wery much obliged to you for your good opinion, sir." At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorously approaching to a laugh, was heard to proceed from the chair in which the elder Mr. Weller was seated ; upon which Mrs. Weller, on a hasty consideration of all the circumstances of the case, considered it her bounden duty to become gradually hysterical. "Weller," said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in a corner) ; " Weller ! Come forth." "Wery much obleeged to you, my dear," replied Mr. Weller; "but I'm quite comfortable vere I am." Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears. " Wofs gone wrong, mum ? " said Sam. " Oh, Samuel ! " replied Mrs. Weller, " your father makes me wretched. Will nothing do him good?" "Do you hear this here?" said Sam. "Lady wants to know vether nothin 1 'ull do you good." "Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her po-lite inquiries, Sammy," replied the old gentleman. "I think a pipe vould benefit me a good deal. Could I be accommodated, Sammy ? " MR. STIGGINS IS ATMIRST. 273 Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. Stiggins groaned. " Hallo ! Here's this unfortunate genTnVn took ill agin," said Sam, looking round. " Were do you feel it now, sir ? " " In the same place, young man," rejoined Mr. Stiggins: "in the same place." " Were may that be, sir ? " inquired Sam, with great out- ward simplicity. "In the buzzim, young man," replied Mr. Stiggins, placing his umbrella on his waistcoat. At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable to suppress her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated her convic- tion that the red-nosed man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, senior, ventured to suggest, in an undertone, that he must be the representative of the united parishes of Saint Simon Without, and Saint, Walker Within. " I'm afeerd, mum," said Sam, " that this here genTm'n, with the twist in his countenance, feels rayther thirsty, with the melancholy spectacle afore him. Is it the case, mum ? " The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply ; that gentleman, with many rollings of the eye, clenched his throat with his right hand, and mimicked the act of swallowing, to intimate that he was athirst. "I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him so, indeed," said Mrs. Weller, mournfully. " Wot's your usual tap, sir," replied Sam. "Oh, my dear young friend," replied Mr. Stiggins, "all taps is vanities ! " " Too true, too true, indeed," said Mrs. Weller, murmuring a groan, and shaking her head assentingly. " Well," said Sam, " I des-say they may be, sir ; but which is your partickler wanity. Vich wanity do you like the flavour on best, sir ? " " Oh, my dear young friend," replied Mr. Stiggins, " I despise them all. If," said Mr. Stiggins, " if there is any one of them less odious than another, it is the liquor called rum. VOL. n. T 274 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Warm, my dear young friend, with three lumps of sugar to the tumbler."" "Wery sorry to say, sir," said Sam, "that they don't allow that particular wanity to be sold in this here establish- ment."" "Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!" ejaculated Mr. Stiggins, " Oh, the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors ! " With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, and rapped his breast with his umbrella; and it is but justice to the reverend gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared very real and unfeigned indeed. After Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman had com- mented on this inhuman usage in a very forcible manner, and had vented a variety of pious and holy execrations against its authors, the latter recommended a bottle of port wine, warmed with a little water, spice, and sugar, as being grateful to the stomach, and savouring less of vanity than many other compounds. It was accordingly ordered to be prepared. Pending its preparation the red-nosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at the elder W. and groaned. " Well, Sammy," said that gentleman, " I hope you'll find your spirits rose by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful and improvm' conwersation, ain't it, Sammy ?" " You're a reprobate," replied Sam ; " and I desire you won't address no more 0"* them ungraceful remarks to me." So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elder Mr. Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin ; and this inexorable conduct causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, and rock themselves to and fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner, he furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicative of a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins : the performance of which, appeared to afford him great mental relief. The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in one instance; for Mr. Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrival of A DROP OF NEGUS. 275 the negus, brought his head in smart contact with the clenched fist with which Mr. Weller had been describing imaginary fireworks in the air, within two inches of his ear, for some minutes. " Wot are you a reachin' out your hand for the tumbler in that 'ere sawage way for?"" said Sam, with great prompti- tude. "Don't you see you've hit the genTm'n?" "I didn't go to do it, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, in some degree abashed by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident. " Try an in'ard application, sir," said Sam, as the red-nosed gentleman rubbed his head with a rueful visage. "Wot do you think o' that, for a go o' wanity warm, sir ? " Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner was expressive. He tasted the contents of the glass which Sam had placed in his hand; put his umbrella on the floor, and tasted it again : passing his hand placidly across his stomach twice or thrice; he then drank the whole at a breath, and smacking his lips, held out the tumbler for more. Nor was Mrs. Weller behind-hand in doing justice to the composition. The good lady began by protesting that she couldn't touch a drop then took a small drop then a large drop then a great many drops ; and her feelings being of the nature of those substances which are powerfully affected by the application of strong waters, she dropped a tear with every drop of negus, and so got on, melting the feelings down, until at length she had arrived at a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery. The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens with many manifestations of disgust, and when, after a second jug of the same, Mr. Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, he plainly evinced his disapprobation of the whole proceed- ings, by sundry incoherent ramblings of speech, among which frequent angry repetitions of the word " gammon " were alone distinguishable to the ear. 'Til tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy," whispered the 276 THE PICKWICK CLUB. old gentleman into his son's ear, after a long and steadfast contemplation of his lady and Mr. Stiggins ; " I think there must be somethin 1 wrong in your mother-in-law's inside, as veil as in that o' the red-nosed man." " Wot do you mean ? " said Sam. "I mean this here, Sammy," replied the old gentleman, " that wot they drink, don't seem no nourishment to 'em ; it all turns to warm water, and comes a' pourin' out o' their eyes. Tend upon it, Sammy, it's a constitootional infirmity." Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory frowns and nods ; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, and concluding that they bore some disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr. Stiggins, or to both, was on the point of becoming infinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on his legs as well as he could, proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for the benefit of the company, but more especially of Mr. Samuel, whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was cast ; to abstain from all hypocrisy and pride of heart ; and to take in all things exact pattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in which case he might calculate on arriving, sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion, that, like him, he was a most estimable and blameless character, and that all his acquaintance and friends were hopelessly abandoned and profligate wretches. Which consideration, he said, could not but afford him the liveliest satisfaction. He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the vice of intoxication, which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine, and to those poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth, are said to filch away the memory. At this point of his discourse, the reverend and red-nosed gentleman became singularly incoherent, and stag- gering to and fro in the excitement of his eloquence, was fain to catch at the back of a chair to preserve his perpen- dicular. Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their AN EDIFYING DISCOURSE. 277 guard against those false prophets and wretched mockers of religion, who, without sense to expound its first doctrines, or hearts to feel its first principles, are more dangerous members of society than the common criminal ; imposing, as they necessarily do, upon the weakest and worst informed, casting scorn and contempt on what should be held most sacred, and bringing into partial disrepute large bodies of virtuous and well-conducted persons of many excellent sects and persuasions. But as he leant over the back of the chair for a considerable time, and closing one eye, winked a good deal with the other, it is presumed that he thought all this, but kept it to himself. During the delivery of the oration, Mrs. Weller sobbed and wept at the end of the paragraphs : while Sam, sitting cross-legged on a chair and resting his arms on the top-rail, regarded the speaker with great suavity and blandness of demeanour; occasionally bestowing a look of recognition on the old gentleman, who was delighted at the beginning, and went to sleep about half-way. "Brayvo; wery pretty!" said Sam, when the red-nosed man having finished, pulled his worn gloves on : thereby thrust- ing his fingers through the broken tops till the knuckles were disclosed to view. "Wery pretty." "I hope it may do you good, Samuel,' 1 said Mrs. Weller solemnly. " I think it vill, mum," replied Sam. " I wish I could hope that it would do your father good," said Mrs. Weller. " Thankee, my dear," said Mr. Weller, senior. " How do you find yourself arter it, my love ? " " Scoffer ! " exclaimed Mrs. Weller. " Benighted man ! " said the reverend Mr. Stiggins. " If I don't get no better light than that" 'ere moonshine o' yourn, my worthy creetur," said the elder Mr. Weller, "it's wery likely as I shall continey to be a night coach till I'm took off the road altogether. Now, Mrs. We, if the piebald stands at livery much longer, he'll stand at nothin' as we go 278 THE PICKWICK CLUB. back, and p'raps that 'ere harm cheer 'till be tipped over into some hedge or another, with the shepherd in it." At this supposition, the reverend Mr. Stiggins, in evident consternation, gathered up his hat and umbrella, and proposed an immediate departure, to which Mrs. Weller assented. Sam walked with them to the lodge-gate, and took a dutiful leave. "A-do, Samivel," said the old gentleman. "Wot's a-do?" inquired Sammy. "Well, good-bye, then,"" said the old gentleman. " Oh, that's wot you're a aimin' at, is it ? " said Sam. Good-bye!" " Sammy," whispered Mr. Weller, looking cautiously round ; " my duty to your gov'ner, and tell him if he thinks better o' this here bis'ness, to commoonicate vith me. Me and a cab'net-maker has dewised a plan for gettin' him out. A pianner, Samivel, a pianner ! " said Mr. Weller, striking his son on the chest with the back of his hand, and falling back a step or two. "Wot do you mean?" said Sam. "A pianner forty, Samivel," rejoined Mr. Weller, in a still more mysterious manner, "as he can have on hire; vun as von't play, Sammy." "And wot 'ud be the good o' that?" said Sam. "Let him send to my friend, the cab'net-maker, to fetch it back, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "Are you avake, now?" "No," rejoined Sam. "There ain't no vurks in it," whispered his father. "It 'ull hold him easy, vith his hat and shoes on, and breathe through the legs, vich his holler. Have a passage ready taken for 'Merriker. The 'Merrikin gov'ment will never give him up, ven they find as he's got money to spend, Sammy. Let the gov'ner stop there, till Mrs. Bardell's dead, or Mr. Dodson and Fogg's hung (wich last ewent I think is the most likely to happen first, Sammy), and then let him come back and AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE. 279 write a book about the 'Merrikins as 1 !! pay all his expenses and more, if he blows 'em up enough."" Mr. Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his plot with great vehemence of whisper ; then, as if fearful of weakening the effect of the tremendous communication, by any further dialogue, he gave the coachman's salute, and vanished. Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure of counte- nance, which had been greatly disturbed by the secret com- munication of his respected relative, when Mr. Pickwick accosted him. " Sam," said that gentleman. "Sir," replied Mr. Weller. "I am going for a walk round the prison, and I wish you to attend me. I see a prisoner we know coming this way, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. "Wich, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller; "the genTm'n vith the head o' hair, or the interestin' captive in the stockin's ? " " Neither," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. " He is an older friend of yours, Sam." "CT mine, sir?" exclaimed Mr. Weller. " You recollect the gentleman very well, I dare say, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, "or else you are more unmindful of your old acquaintances than I think you are. Hush! not a word, Sam ; not a syllable. Here he is." As Mr. Pickwick spoke, Jingle walked up. He looked less miserable than before, being clad in a half- worn suit of clothes, which, with Mr. Pickwick's assistance, had been released from the pawnbroker's. He wore clean linen too, and had had his hair cut. He was very pale and thin, however ; and as he crept slowly up, leaning on a stick, it was easy to see that he had suffered severely from illness and want, and was still very weak. He took off his hat as Mr. Pickwick saluted him, and seemed much humbled and abashed at sight of Sam Weller. Following close at his heels, came Mr. Job Trotter, in the catalogue of whose vices, want of faith and attachment 280 THE PICKWICK CLUB. to his companion could at all events find no place. He was still ragged and squalid, but his face was not quite so hollow as on his first meeting with Mr. Pickwick, a few days before. As he took off his hat to our benevolent old friend, he murmured some broken expressions of gratitude, and muttered something about having been saved from starving. "Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick, impatiently interrupting him, "you can follow with Sam. I want to speak to you, Mr. Jingle. Can you walk without his arm?*" "Certainly, sir all ready not too fast legs shaky head queer round and round earthquaky sort of feeling very." "Here, give me your arm," said Mr. Pickwick. " No, no," replied Jingle ; " won't indeed rather not." " Nonsense," said Mr. Pickwick, "lean upon me, I desire, sir." Seeing that he was confused and agitated, and uncertain what to do, Mr. Pickwick cut the matter short by drawing the invalided stroller's arm through his, and leading him away, without saying another word about it. During the whole of this time, the countenance of Mr. Samuel Weller had exhibited an expression of the most over- whelming and absorbing astonishment that the imagination can portray. After looking from Job to Jingle, and from Jingle to Job in profound silence, he softly ejaculated the words, " Well, I am damn'd ! " Which he repeated at least a score of times : after which exertion, he appeared wholly bereft of speech, and again cast his eyes, first upon the one and then upon the other, in mute perplexity and bewilder- ment. " Now, Sam ! " said Mr. Pickwick, looking back. " I'm a comin', sir," replied Mr. Weller, mechanically follow- ing his master ; and still he lifted not his eyes from Mr. Job Trotter, who walked at his side, in silence. Job kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some time. Sam, with his glued to Job's countenance, ran up against the people A CHANGE FOR THE WORSE. 281 who were walking about, and fell over little children, and stumbled against steps and railings, without appearing at all sensible of it, until Job, looking stealthily up, said : " How do you do, Mr. Weller ? " " It is him ! " exclaimed Sam : and having established Job's identity beyond all doubt, he smote his leg, and vented his feelings in a long shrill whistle. "Things has altered with me, sir," said Job. "I should think they had," exclaimed Mr. Weller, survey- ing his companion's rags with undisguised wonder. "This is rayther a change for the worse, Mr. Trotter, as the genTnTn said, wen he got two doubtful shillings and sixpenn'orth o' pocket pieces for a good half-crown." "It is, indeed," replied Job, shaking his head. "There is no deception now, Mr. Weller. Tears," said Job, with a look of momentary slyness, "tears are not the only proofs of distress, nor the best ones." " No, they ain't," replied Sam, expressively. "They may be put on, Mr. Weller," said Job. "I know they may," said Sam; "some people, indeed, has 'em always ready laid on, and can pull out the plug wenever they likes." " Yes," replied Job ; " but these sort of things are not so easily counterfeited, Mr. Weller, and it is a more painful process to get them up." As he spoke, he pointed to his sallow sunken cheeks, and, drawing up his coat sleeves, dis- closed an arm which looked as if the bone could be broken at a touch: so sharp and brittle did it appear, beneath its thin covering of flesh. "Wot have you been a doin' to yourself?" said Sam, recoiling. ** Nothing," replied Job. " Nothin' ! " echoed Sam. "I have been doin' nothing for many weeks past," said Job ; " and eating and drinking almost as little." Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr. Trotter's thin 282 THE PICKWICK CLUB. face and wretched apparel ; and then, seizing him by the arm, commenced dragging him away with great violence. "Where are you going, Mr. Weller?" said Job, vainly struggling in the powerful grasp of his old enemy. " Come on," said Sam ; " come on ! " He deigned no further explanation until they reached the tap ; and then called for a pot of porter, which was speedily produced. " Now,"" said Sam, " drink that up, ev'ry drop on it, and then turn the pot upside down, to let me see as you've took the med'cine." " But, my dear Mr. Weller," remonstrated Job. " Down vith it ! " said Sam, peremptorily. Thus admonished, Mr. Trotter raised the pot to his lips, and, by gentle and almost imperceptible degrees, tilted it into the air. He paused once, and only once, to draw a long breath, but without raising his face from the vessel, which, in a few moments thereafter, he held out at arm's length, bottom upward. Nothing fell upon the ground but a few particles of froth, which slowly detached themselves from the rim, and trickled lazily down. "Well done!" said Sam. "How do you find yourself arter it?" " Better, sir. I think I am better," responded Job. " O 1 course you air," said Sam, argumentatively. " It's like puttin' gas in a balloon. I can see with the naked eye that you gets stouter under the operation. Wot do you say to another o 1 the same di-mensions ? " "I would rather not, I am much obliged to you, sir," replied Job, "much rather not." " Veil, then, wot do you say to some wittles ? " inquired Sam. "Thanks to your worthy governor, sir," said Mr. Trotter, "we have half a leg of mutton, baked, at a quarter before three, with the potatoes under it to save boiling." " Wot ! Has he been a purwidin 1 for you ? " asked Sam, emphatically. MR. WELLER CONFIDES A SECRET. 283 " He has, sir," replied Job. " More than that, Mr. Weller ; my master being very ill, he got us a room we were in a kennel before and paid for it, sir; and come to look at us, at night, when nobody should know. Mr. Weller," said Job, with real tears in his eyes, for once, "I could serve that gentleman till I fell down dead at his feet" "I say!" said Sam, "Til trouble you, my friend! None o 1 that!" Job Trotter looked amazed. " None o 1 that, I say, young feller," repeated Sam, firmly. "No man serves him but me. And now we're upon it, 111 let you into another secret besides that," said Sam, as he paid for the beer. "I never heerd, mind you, nor read of in story-books, nor see in picters, any angel in tights and gaiters not even in spectacles, as I remember, though that may ha 1 been done for anythin 1 I know to the contrairey but mark my vords, Job Trotter, he's a regular thorough-bred angel for all that ; and let me see the man as wenturs to tell me he knows a better vun." With this defiance, Mr. Weller buttoned up his change in a side pocket, and, with many confirmatory nods and gestures by the way, proceeded in search of the subject of discourse. They found Mr. Pickwick, in company with Jingle, talking very earnestly, and not bestowing a look on the groups who were congregated on the racket-ground ; they were very motley groups too, and worth the looking at, if it were only in idle curiosity. "Well," said Mr. Pickwick, as Sam and his companion drew nigh, "you will see how your health becomes, and think about it meanwhile. Make the statement out for me when^you feel yourself equal to the task, and I will discuss the subject with you when I have considered it. Now, go to your room. You are tired, and not strong enough to be out long." Mr. Alfred Jingle, without one spark of his old animation with nothing even of the dismal gaiety which he had 284 THE PICKWICK CLUB. assumed when Mr. Pickwick first stumbled on him in his misery bowed low without speaking, and, motioning to Job not to follow him just yet, crept slowly away. "Curious scene this, is it not, Sam?" said Mr. Pickwick, looking good-humouredly round. "Wery much so, sir, 1 ' replied Sam. " Wonders 'ull never cease," added Sam, speaking to himself. "Fm wery much mistaken if that 'ere Jingle worn't a doin' somethin 1 in the water-cart way ! " The area formed by the wall in that part of the Fleet in which Mr. Pickwick stood, was just wide enough to make a good racket court; one side being formed, of course, by the wall itself and the other by that portion of the prison which looked (or rather would have looked, but for the wall) towards St. Paul's Cathedral. Sauntering or sitting about, in every possible attitude of listless idleness, were a great number of debtors, the major part of whom were waiting in prison until their day of "going up" before the Insolvent Court should arrive; while others had been remanded for various terms, which they were idling away, as they best could. Some were shabby, some were smart, many dirty, a few clean ; but there they all lounged, and loitered, and slunk about, with as little spirit or purpose as the beasts in a menagerie. Lolling from the windows which commanded a view of this promenade, were a number of persons, some in noisy conversa- tion with their acquaintance below, others playing at ball with some adventurous throwers outside, others looking on at the racket-players, or watching the boys as they cried the game. Dirty slipshod women passed and re-passed, on their way to the cooking-house in one corner of the yard ; children screamed, and fought, and played together, in another; the tumbling of the skittles, and the shouts of the players, mingled perpetually with these and a hundred other sounds; and all was noise and tumult save in a little miserable shed a few yards off, where lay, all quiet and ghastly, the body A WHISTLING-SHOP. 285 of the Chancery prisoner who had died the night before, awaiting the mockery of an inquest. The body ! It is the lawyer's term for the restless whirling mass of cares and anxieties, affections, hopes, and griefs, that make up the living man. The law had his body ; and there it lay, clothed in grave clothes, an awful witness to its tender mercy. "Would you like to see a whistling-shop, sir?" inquired Job Trotter. " What do you mean ? " was Mr. Pickwick's counter inquiry. " A vistlin' shop, sir," interposed Mr. Weller. "What is that, Sam? A bird-fancier's?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Bless your heart, no, sir," replied Job ; " a whistling-shop, sir, is where they sell spirits." Mr. Job Trotter briefly explained here, that all persons, being prohibited under heavy penalties from conveying spirits into debtors'* prisons, and such commodities being highly prized by the ladies and gentlemen confined therein, it had occurred to some speculative turnkey to connive, for certain lucrative considerations, at two or three prisoners retailing the favourite article of gin, for their own profit and advantage. "This plan, you see, sir, has been gradually introduced into all the prisons for debt," said Mr. Trotter. "And it has this wery great advantage," said Sam, "that the turnkeys takes wery good care to seize hold o' ev'ry body but them as pays 'em, that attempts the willainy, and wen it gets in the papers they're applauded for their wigilance; so it cuts two ways frightens other people from the trade, and elewates their own characters." " Exactly so, Mr. Weller," observed Job. "Well, but are these rooms never searched, to ascertain whether any spirits are concealed in them ? " said Mr. Pick- wick. "Cert'nly they are, sir," replied Sam; "but the turnkeys knows beforehand, and gives the word to the wistlers, and you may wistle for it wen you go to look." 286 THE PICKWICK CLUB. By this time, Job had tapped at a door, which was opened by a gentleman with an uncombed head, who bolted it after them when they had walked in, and grinned; upon which Job grinned, and Sam also ; whereupon Mr. Pickwick, thinking it might be expected of him, kept on smiling to the end of the interview. The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared quite satisfied with this mute announcement of their business, and, producing a flat stone bottle, which might hold about a couple of quarts, from beneath his bedstead, filled out three glasses of gin, which Job Trotter and Sam disposed of in a most workmanlike manner. " Any more ? " said the whistling gentleman. No more, 11 replied Job Trotter. Mr. Pickwick paid, the door was unbolted, and out they came; the uncombed gentleman bestowing a friendly nod upon Mr. Roker, who happened to be passing at the moment. From this spot, Mr. Pickwick wandered along all the galleries, up and down all the staircases, and once again round the whole area of the yard. The great body of the prison population appeared to be Mivins, and Smangle, and the parson, and the butcher, and the leg, over and over, and over again. There were the same squalor, the same turmoil and noise, the same general characteristics, in every corner; in the best and the worst alike. The whole place seemed restless and troubled; and the people were crowding and flitting to and fro, like the shadows in an uneasy dream. "I have seen enough," said Mr. Pickwick, as he threw himself into a chair in his little apartment. " My head aches with these scenes, and my heart too. Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my own room." 11 And Mr. Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this determina- tion. For three long months he remained shut up, all day; only stealing out at night, to breathe the air, when the MR. PICKWICK'S RESOLUTION. 287 greater part of his fellow prisoners were in bed or carousing in their rooms. His health was beginning to suffer from the closeness of the confinement, but neither the often-repeated entreaties of Perker and his friends, nor the still more fre- quently-repeated warnings and admonitions of Mr. Samuel Weller, could induce him to alter one jot of his inflexible resolution. .-< M& ' i&ttii itucMitfc'; ' ' : Unfa r\'ti lJ T.H'I. CHAPTER XLVI. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY MESSRS. DODSON AND FOGG. IT was within a week of the close of the month of July, that a hackney cabriolet, number unrecorded, was seen to proceed at a rapid pace up Goswell Street ; three people were squeezed into it besides the driver, Avho sat in his own particular little dickey at the side ; over the apron were hung two shawls, be- longing to two small vixenish-looking ladies under the apron ; between whom, compressed into a very small compass, was stowed away, a gentleman of heavy and subdued demeanour, who, whenever he ventured to make an observation, was snapped up short by one of the vixenish ladies before-men- tioned. Lastly, the two vixenish ladies and the heavy gentle- man were giving the driver contradictory directions, all tending to the one point that he should stop at Mrs. Bardell's door; which the heavy gentleman, in direct opposition to, and defiance of, the vixenish ladies, contended was a green door and not a yellow one. "Stop at the house with the green door, driver, 11 said the heavy gentleman. "Oh! You perwerse creetur!" exclaimed one of the vixenish ladies. "Drive to the ouse with the yellow door, cabmin. 11 Upon this, the cabman, who in a sudden effort to pull up THE WRONG HOUSE. 289 at the house with the green door, had pulled the horse up so high that he nearly pulled him backward into the cabriolet, let the animal's fore legs down to the ground again, and paused. " Now vere am I to pull up ? " inquired the driver. " Settle it among yourselves. All I ask is, vere?" Here the contest was renewed with increased violence; and the horse being troubled with a fly on his nose, the cabman humanely employed his leisure in lashing him about on the head, on the counter-irritation principle. "Most wotes carries the day!" said one of the vixenish ladies at length. "The ouse with the yellow door, cabmin." But after the cabriolet had dashed up, in splendid style, to the house with the yellow door : " making," as one of the vixenish maidens triumphantly said, "acterrally more noise than if one had come in one's own carriage" and after the driver had dismounted to assist the ladies in getting out the small round head of Master Thomas Baraell was thrust out of the one pair window of a house with a red door, a few numbers off. " Aggrawatin 1 thing ! " said the vixenish lady last mentioned, darting a withering glance at the heavy gentleman. " My dear, it's not my fault," said the gentleman. "Don't talk to me, you creetur, don't," retorted the lady. "The house with the red door, cabmin. Oh! If ever a woman was troubled with a ruffinly creetur, that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracing his wife on every possible occasion afore strangers, I am that woman ! " " You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Raddle," said the other little woman, who was no other than Mrs. Cluppins. "What have I been a doing of?" asked Mr. Raddle. " Don't talk to me, don't, you brute, for fear I should be penvoked to forgit my sect and strike you ! " said Mrs. Raddle. While this dialogue was going on, the driver was most ignominiously leading the horse, by the bridle, up to the 290 THE PICKWICK CLUB. house with the red door, which Master Bardell had already opened. Here was a mean and low way of arriving at a friend's house ! No dashing up, with all the fire and fury of the animal ; no jumping down of the driver ; no loud knocking at the door; no opening of the apron with a crash at the very last moment, for fear of the ladies sitting in a draught ; and then the man handing the shawls out, afterwards, as if he were a private coachman ! The whole edge of the thing had been taken off; it was flatter than walking. "Well, Tommy ," said Mrs. Cluppins, "How's your poor dear mother ?" "Oh, she's very well," replied Master Bardell. "She's in the front parlour, all ready. I'm ready too, I am." Here Master Bardell put his hands in his pockets, and jumped off and on the bottom step of the door. "Is anybody else a goin\ Tommy?" said Mrs. Cluppins, arranging her pelerine. "Mrs. Sanders is going, she is," replied Tommy, "I'm going too, I am." "Drat the boy," said little Mrs. Cluppins. "He thinks of nobody but himself. Here, Tommy, dear." "Well," said Master Bardell. "Who else is a goin', lovey?" said Mrs. Cluppins in an insinuating manner. "Oh! Mrs. Rogers is a goin'," replied Master Bardell, opening his eyes very wide as he delivered the intelligence. " What ! The lady as has taken the lodgings ! " ejaculated Mrs. Cluppins. Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets, and nodded exactly thirty-five times, to imply that it was the lady lodger, and no other. " Bless us ! " said Mrs. Cluppins. " It's quite a party ! " "Ah, if you knew what was in the cupboard, you'd say so," replied Master Bardell. " What is there, Tommy ? " said Mrs. Cluppins, coaxingly. " You'll tell me, Tommy, I know." MASTER BARBELL UNCOMMUNICATIVE. 291 " No, I won't," replied Master Bardell, shaking his head, and applying himself to the bottom step again. "Drat the child!" muttered Mrs. Cluppins. "What a prowokin' little wretch it is ! Come, Tommy, tell your dear Cluppy." * Mother said I wasn't to," rejoined Master Bardell, " I'm a goin' to have some, I am." Cheered by this prospect, the precocious boy applied himself to his infantile treadmill, with increased vigour. The above examination of a child of tender years, took place while Mr. and Mrs. Raddle and the cab-driver were having an altercation concerning the fare : which, terminating at this point in favour of the cabman, Mrs. Raddle came up tottering. "Lauk, Mary Ann! what's the matter?" said Mrs. Cluppins. " It's put me all over in such a tremble, ifctsy," replied Mrs. Raddle. " Raddle ain't like a man ; he leaves everythink to me." This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr. Raddle, who had been thrust aside by his good lady in the commence- ment of the dispute, and peremptorily commanded to hold his tongue. He had no opportunity of defending himself, however, for Mrs. Raddle gave unequivocal signs of fainting ; which, being perceived from the parlour window, Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, the lodger, and the lodger's servant, darted precipitately out, and conveyed her into the house : all talking at the same time, and giving utterance to various expressions of pity and condolence, as if she were one of the most suffering mortals on earth. Being conveyed into the front parlour, she was there deposited on a sofa ; and the lady from the first floor running up to the first door, returned with a bottle of sal volatile, which, holding Mrs. Raddle tight round the neck, she applied in sail womanly kindness and pity to her nose, until that lady with many plunges and struggles was fain to declare herself decidedly better. 292 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Ah, poor thing ! r said Mrs. Rogers, " I know what her feelin's is, too well." " Ah, poor thing ! so do I," said Mrs. Sanders : and then all the ladies moaned in unison, and said they knew what it was, and they pitied her from their hearts, they did. Even the lodger's little servant, who was thirteen years old, and three feet high, murmured her sympathy. "But what's been the matter?" said Mrs. Bardell. "Ah, what has decomposed you, ma'am? 1 " inquired Mrs. Rogers. " I have been a good deal flurried," replied Mrs. Raddle, in a reproachful manner. Thereupon the ladies cast indig- nant looks at Mr. Raddle. " Why, the fact is," said that unhappy gentleman, stepping forward, "when we alighted at this door, a dispute arose with the driver of the cabrioily " A loud scream from his wife, at the mention of this word, rendered all further explanation inaudible. "You'd better leave us to bring her round, Raddle," said Mrs. Cluppins. "She'll never get better as long as you're here." All the ladies concurred in this opinion ; so Mr. Raddle was pushed out of the room, and requested to give himself an airing in the back yard. Which he did for about a quarter of an hour, when Mrs. Bardell announced to him with a solemn face that he might come in now, but that he must be very careful how he behaved towards his wife. She knew he didn't mean to be unkind; but Mary Ann was very far from strong, and, if he didn't take care, he might lose her when he least expected it, which would be a very dreadful reflection for him afterwards; and so on. All this, Mr. Raddle heard with great submission, and presently returned to the parlour in a most lamb-like manner. "Why, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am," said Mrs. Bardell, "you've never been introduced, I declare ! Mr. Raddle, ma'am ; Mrs. Cluppins, ma'am; Mrs. Raddle, ma'am." INTRODUCTION OF MRS. ROGERS. 293 "Which is Mrs. Clapping's sister, 11 suggested Mrs. Sanders. " Oh, indeed ! " said Mrs. Rogers, graciously ; for she was the lodger, and her servant was in waiting, so she was more gracious than intimate, in right of her position. "Oh, indeed ! " Mrs. Raddle smiled sweetly, Mr. Raddle bowed, and Mrs. Cluppins said " she was sure she was very happy to have a opportunity of being known to a lady which she had heerd so much in favour of, as Mrs. Rogers." A compliment which the last-named lady acknowledged with graceful condescen- sion. "Well, Mr. Raddle," said Mrs. Bardell; "Tm sure you ought to feel very much honoured at you and Tommy being the only gentlemen to escort so many ladies all the way to the Spaniards, at Hampstead. Don't you think he ought, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am?" " Oh, certainly, ma'am," replied Mrs. Rogers ; after whom all the other ladies responded " Oh, certainly." " Of course I feel it, ma'am," said Mr. Raddle, rubbing his hands, and evincing a slight tendency to brighten up a little. "Indeed, to tell you the truth, I said, as we was a coming along in the cabrioily " At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many painful recollections, Mrs. Raddle applied her hand- kerchief to her eyes again, and uttered a half-suppressed scream ; so Mrs. Bardell frowned upon Mr. Raddle, to intimate that he had better not say anything more, and desired Mrs. Rogers's servant, with an air, to "put the wine on." This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the closet, which comprised sundry plates of oranges and biscuits, and a bottle of old crusted port that at one and nine with another of the celebrated East India sherry at fourteenpence, which were all produced in honour of the lodger, and afforded unlimited satisfaction to everybody. After great consternation had been excited in the mind of Mrs. Cluppins, 294 THE PICKWICK CLUB. by an attempt on the part of Tommy to recount how he had been cross-examined regarding the cupboard then in action, (which was fortunately nipped in the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted " the wrong way," arid thereby endangering his life for some seconds,) the party walked forth, in quest of a Hampstead stage. This was soon found, and in a couple of hours they all arrived safely in the Spaniards Tea- gardens, where the luckless Mr. Raddle's very first act nearly occasioned his good lady a relapse ; it being neither more nor less than to order tea for seven, whereas (as the ladies one and all remarked), what could have been easier than for Tommy to have drank out of anybody's cup or every- body's, if that was all when the waiter wasn't looking : which would have saved one head of tea, and the tea just as good ! However, there was no help for it, and the tea-tray came, with seven cups and saucers, and bread and butter on the same scale. Mrs. Bardell was unanimously voted into the chair, and Mrs. Rogers being stationed on her right hand, and Mrs. Raddle on her left, the meal proceeded with great merriment and success. " How sweet the country is, to-be-sure ! " sighed Mrs. Rogers ; " I almost wish I lived in it always. 1 * " Oh, you wouldn't like that, ma'am," replied Mrs. Bardell, rather hastily ; for it was not at all advisable, with reference to the lodgings, to encourage such notions; "you wouldn't like it, ma'am." " Oh ! I should think you was a deal too lively and sought- after, to be content with the country, maVim," said little Mrs. Cluppins. "Perhaps I am, ma'am. Perhaps I am," sighed the first- floor lodger. "For lone people as have got nobody to care for them, or take care of them, or as have been hurt in their mind, or that kind of thing," observed Mr. Raddle, plucking up a little cheerfulness, and looking round, "the country is all very well. The country for a wounded spirit, they say." UNMANLY CONDUCT OF MR. RADDLE. 295 Now, of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could have said, any would have been preferable to this. Of course Mrs. Bardell burst into tears, and requested to be led from the table instantly; upon which the affectionate child began to cry too, most dismally. "Would anybody believe, ma'am," exclaimed Mrs. Raddle, turning fiercely to the first-floor lodger, "that a woman could be married to such a unmanly creetur, which can tamper with a woman's feelings as he does, every hour in the day, ma'am ? " "My dear," remonstrated Mr. Raddle, "I didn't mean anything, my dear." " You didn't mean ! " repeated Mrs. Raddle, with great scorn and contempt. " Go away. I can't bear the sight on you, you brute." " You must not flurry yourself, Mary Ann," interposed Mrs. Cluppins. " You really must consider yourself, my dear, which you never do. Now go away, Raddle, there's a good soul, or you'll only aggravate her." "You had better take your tea by yourself, sir, indeed," said Mrs. Rogers, again applying the smelling-bottle. Mrs. Sanders, who according to custom was very busy with the bread and butter, expressed the same opinion, and Mr. Raddle quietly retired. After this, there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell, who was rather a large size for hugging, into his mother's arms : in which operation he got his boots in the tea-board, and occasioned some confusion among the cups and saucers. But that description of fainting fits, which is contagious among ladies, seldom lasts long; so when he had been well kissed, and a little cried over, Mrs. Bardell recovered, set him down again, wondered how she could have been so foolish, and poured out some more tea. It was at this moment, that the sound of approaching wheels was heard, and that the ladies, looking up, saw a hackney-coach stop at the garden-gate. 296 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " More company ! " said Mrs. Sanders. " It's a gentleman, 11 said Mrs. Raddle. " Well, if it ain't Mr. Jackson, the young man from Dodson and Fogg's ! " cried Mrs. Bardell. " Why, gracious ! Surely Mr. Pickwick can't have paid the damages." " Or hoffered marriage ! " said Mrs. Cluppins. "Dear me, how slow the gentleman is," exclaimed Mrs. Rogers: "Why doesn't he make haste?" As the lady spoke these words, Mr. Jackson turned from the coach where he had been addressing some observations to a shabby man in black leggings, who had just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash stick in his hand, and made his way to the place where the ladies were seated; winding his hair round the brim of his hat as he came along. "Is anything the matter? Has anything taken place, Mr. Jackson?" said Mrs. Bardell, eagerly. "Nothing whatever, ma'am," replied Mr. Jackson. "Ho\v de do, ladies? I have to ask pardon, ladies, for intruding but the law, ladies the law." With this apology Mr. Jack- son smiled, made a comprehensive bow, and gave his hair another wind. Mrs. Rogers whispered Mrs. Raddle that he was really a elegant young man. "I called in Goswell Street," resumed Jackson, "and hearing that you were here, from the slavey, took a coach and came on. Our people want you down in the city directly, Mrs. Bardell." "Lor!" ejaculated that lady, starting at the sudden nature of the communication. " Yes," said Jackson, biting his lip. " It's very important and pressing business, which can't be postponed on any account. Indeed, Dodson expressly said so to me, and so did Fogg. I've kept the coach on purpose for you to go back in." " How very strange ! " exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. The ladies agreed that it was very strange, but were unani- mously of opinion that it must be very important, or Dodson SPECIAL MESSENGER FOR MRS. BARDELK 297 and Fogg would never have sent ; and further, that the business being urgent, she ought to repair to Dodson and Fogg's without any delay. There was a certain degree of pride and importance about being wanted by one's lawyers in such a monstrous hurry, that was by no means displeasing to Mrs. Bardell, especially as it might be reasonably supposed to enhance her conse- quence in the eyes of the first-floor lodger. She simpered a little, affected extreme vexation and hesitation, and at last arrived at the conclusion that she supposed she must go, "But won't you refresh yourself after your walk, Mr. Jackson ? " said Mrs. Bardell, persuasively. "Why, really there ain't much time to lose," replied Jackson ; " and I've got a friend here," he continued, looking towards the man with the ash stick. " Oh, ask your friend to come here, sir, 1 " said Mrs. Bardell. "Pray ask your friend here, sir." "Why, thankee, I'd rather not," said Mr. Jackson, with some embarrassment of manner. "He's not much used to ladies' society, and it makes him bashful. If you'll order the waiter to deliver him anything short, he won't drink it off at once, won't he ! only try him ! " Mr. Jackson's fingers wandered playfully round his nose, at this portion of his discourse, to warn his hearers that he was speaking ironically. The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentle- man, and the bashful gentleman took something ; Mr. Jackson also took something, and the ladies took something, for hospitality's sake. Mr. Jackson then said he was afraid it was time to go ; upon which, Mrs. Sanders, Mrs. Cluppins, and Tommy (who it was arranged should accompany Mrs. Bardell : leaving the others to Mr. Raddle's protection), got into the coach. " Isaac," said Jackson, as Mrs. Bardell prepared to get in : looking up at the man with the ash stick, who was seated on the box, smoking a cigar. 298 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Well ? " " This is Mrs. Bardell." "Oh, I know'd that, long ago, 11 said the man. Mrs. Bardell got in, Mr. Jackson got in after her, and away they drove. Mrs. Bardell could not help ruminating on what Mr. Jackson's friend had said. Shrewd creatures, those lawyers. Lord bless us, how they find people out ! " Sad thing about these costs of our people's, ain't it ? " said Jackson, when Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders had fallen asleep ; " your bill of costs, I mean." " I'm very sorry they can't get them," replied Mrs. Bardell. "But if you law-gentlemen do these things on speculation, why you must get a loss now and then, you know." " You gave them a cognovit for the amount of your costs, after the trial, I'm told?" said Jackson. " Yes. Just as a matter of form," replied Mrs. Bardell. "Certainly," replied Jackson, drily. "Quite a matter of form. Quite." On they drove, and Mrs. Bardell fell asleep. She was awakened, after some time, by the stopping of the coach. " Bless us ! " said the lady. " Are we at Freeman's Court?" " We're not going quite so far," replied Jackson. "Have the goodness to step out" Mrs. Bardell, not yet thoroughly awake, complied. It was a curious place : a large wall, with a gate in the middle, and a gas-light burning inside. "Now, ladies," cried the man with the ash stick, looking into the coach, and shaking Mrs. Sanders to wake her, " Come ! " Rousing her friend, Mrs. Sanders alighted. Mrs. Bardell, leaning on Jackson's arm, and leading Tommy by the hand, had already entered the porch. They followed. The room they turned into, was even more odd-looking than the porch. Such a number of men standing about! And they stared so ! " What place is this ? " inquired Mrs. Bardell, pausing. MRS. BARBELL AT THE FLEET 299 " Only one of our public offices," replied Jackson, hurrying her through a door, and looking round to see that the other women were following. " Look sharp, Isaac ! " " Safe and sound," replied the man with the ash stick. The door swung heavily after them, and they descended a small flight of steps. " Here we are, at last. All right and tight, Mrs. BardellT said Jackson, looking exultingly round. "What do you mean?" said Mrs. Bardell, with a palpita- ting heart, "Just this,"' replied Jackson, drawing her a little on one side ; " don't be frightened, Mrs. Bardell. There never was a more delicate man than Dodson, ma'am, or a more humane man than Fogg. It was their duty, in the way of business, to take you in execution for them costs; but they were anxious to spare your feelings as much as they could. What a comfort it must be, to you, to think how it's been done ! This is the Fleet, ma'am. Wish you good night, Mrs. Bardell. Good night, Tommy ! " As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the ash stick, another man with a key in his hand, who had been looking on, led the bewildered female to a second short flight of steps leading to a doorway. Mrs. Bardell screamed violently ; Tommy roared ; Mrs. Cluppins shrunk within herself; and Mrs. Sanders made off. without more ado. For, there, stood the injured Mr. Pickwick, taking his nightly allowance of air; and beside him leant Samuel Weller, who, seeing Mrs. Bardell, took his hat off with mock reverence, while his master turned indignantly on his heel. " Don't bother the woman," said the turnkey to Weller : " she's just come in." " A prisoner 1 " said Sam, quickly replacing his hat. " Who's the plaintives? What for? Speak up, old feller." "Dodson and Fogg," replied the man; "execution on cognovit for costs." " Here Job, Job ! " shouted Sam, dashing into the passage. 300 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Run to Mr. Perker's, Job. / want him directly. I see some good in this. Here 1 s a game. Hooray ! were^s the govtoor ? " But there was no reply to these inquiries, for Job had started furiously off, the instant he received his commission, and Mrs. Bardell had fainted in real downright earnest. CHAPTER XLVII. IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS, AND THE TEM- PORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGG. MR. WINKLE RE-APPEARS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES. MR. PICKWICK'S BENEVOLENCE PROVES STRONGER THAN HIS OBSTINACY. JOB TROTTER, abating nothing of his speed, ran up Holborn ; sometimes in the middle of the road, sometimes on the pavement, sometimes in the gutter, as the chances of getting along, varied with the press of men, women, children, and coaches, in each division of the thoroughfare; regardless of all obstacles, he stopped not for an instant until he reached the gate of Gray's Inn. Notwithstanding all the expedition he had used, however, the gate had been closed a good half hour when he reached it, and by the time he had discovered Mr. Perker's laundress, who lived with a married daughter, who had bestowed her hand upon a non-resident waiter, who occupied the one-pair of some number in some street closely adjoining to some brewery somewhere behind Gray's Inn Lane, it was within fifteen minutes of closing the prison for the night. Mr. Lowten had still to be ferreted out from the back parlour of the Magpie and Stump; and Job had scarcely accomplished this object, and communicated Sam Weller's message, when the clock struck ten. " There, 11 said Lowten, "itfs too late now. You can't get in to-night ; " youVe got the key of the street, my friend." 802 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Never mind me, 1 ' replied Job. "I can sleep anywhere. But won't it be better to see Mr. Perker to-night, so that we may be there, the first thing in the morning?" '* Why," responded Lowten, after a little consideration. " if it was in anybody else's case, Perker wouldn't be best pleased at my going up to his house; but as it's Mr. Pickwick's, I think I may venture to take a cab and charge it to the office." Deciding on this line of conduct, Mr. Lowten took up his hat, and begging the assembled company to appoint a deputy chairman during his temporary absence, led the way to the nearest coach-stand. Summoning the cab of most promising appearance, he directed the driver to repair to Montague Place, Russell Square. Mr. Perker had had a dinner party that day, as was testified by the appearance of lights in the drawing-room windows, the sound of an improved grand piano, and an improvable cabinet voice issuing therefrom, and a rather overpowering smell of meat which pervaded the steps and entry. In fact a couple of very good country agencies happening to come up to town, at the same time, an agreeable little party had been got together to meet them : comprising Mr. Snicks the Life Office Secretary, Mr. Prosee the eminent counsel, three solicitors, one commissioner of bankrupts, a special pleader from the Temple, a small-eyed peremptory young gentleman, his pupil, who had written a lively book about the law of demises, with a vast quantity of marginal notes and references; and several other eminent and distinguished personages. From this society, little Mr. Perker detached himself, on his clerk being announced in a whisper; and repairing to the dining-room, there found Mr. Lowten and Job Trotter looking very dim and shadowy by the light of a kitchen candle, which the gentleman who condescended to appear in plush shorts and cottons for a quarterly stipend, had, with a becoming contempt for the clerk and all things appertaining to " the office," placed upon the table. "Now, Lowten," said little Mr. Perker, shutting the door. MR. FERRER'S PRIVATE RESIDENCE. 303 " what's the matter ? No important letter come in a parcel, is there?" " No, sir," replied Lowten. " This is a messenger from Mr. Pickwick, sir." " From Pickwick, eh ? " said the little man, turning quickly to Job. " Well, what is it ? " "Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs. Bardell in execution for her costs, sir," said Job. " No ! " exclaimed Perker, putting his hands in his pockets, and reclining against the sideboard. " Yes," said Job. " It seems they got a cognovit out of her, for the amount of 'em, directly after the trial." "By Jove!" said Perker, taking both hands out of his pockets, and striking the knuckles of his right against the palm of his left, emphatically, " those are the cleverest scamps I ever had anything to do with ! " "The sharpest practitioners / ever knew, sir," observed Lowten. " Sharp ! " echoed Perker. " There's no knowing where to have them." "Very true, sir, there is not," replied Lowten; and then, both master and man pondered for a few seconds, with animated countenances, as if they were reflecting upon one of the most beautiful and ingenious discoveries that the intellect of man had ever made. When they had in some measure recovered from their trance of admiration, Job Trotter discharged himself of the rest of his commission. Perker nodded his head thoughtfully, and pulled out his watch. "At ten precisely, I will be there," said the little man. " Sam is quite right. Tell him so. Will you take a glass of wine, Lowten ? " " No, thank you, sir." "You mean yes, I think," said the little man, turning to the sideboard for a decanter and glasses. As Lowten did mean yes, he said no more on the subject, 304 THE PICKWICK CLUB. but inquired of Job, in an audible whisper, whether the portrait of Perker, which hung opposite the fire-place, wasn^t a wonderful likeness, to which, Job of course replied that it was. The wine being by this time poured out, Lowten drank to Mrs. Perker and the children, and Job to Perker. The gentleman in the plush shorts and cottons considering it no part of his duty to show the people from the office out, consistently declined to answer the bell, and they showed themselves out. The attorney betook himself to his drawing- room, the clerk to the Magpie and Stump, and Job to Covent Garden Market to spend the night in a vegetable basket. Punctually at the appointed hour next morning, the good-humoured little attorney tapped at Mr. Pick- wick"^ door, which was opened with great alacrity by Sam Weller. " Mr. Perker, sir, 11 said Sam, announcing the visitor to Mr. Pickwick, who was sitting at the window in a thoughtful attitude. "Wery glad youVe looked in accidentally, sir. I rather think the goVnor wants to have a word and a half with you, sir. 11 Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam, intimating that he understood he was not to say he had been sent for: and beckoning him to approach, whispered briefly in his ear. "You don't mean that ^re, sir? 11 said Sam, starting back in excessive surprise. Perker nodded and smiled. Mr. Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer, then at Mr. Pickwick, then at the ceiling, then at Perker again ; grinned, laughed outright, and finally, catching up his hat from the carpet, without further explanation, disappeared. "What does this mean? 11 inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at Perker with astonishment. "What has put Sam into this most extraordinary state? 11 " Oh, nothing, nothing, 11 replied Perker. " Come, my dear THE OLD STORY. 305 sir, draw up your chair to the table. I have a good deal to say to you." " What papers are those ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick, as the little man deposited on the table a small bundle of documents tied with red tape. "The papers in Bardell and Pickwick," replied Perker, undoing the knot with his teeth. Mr. Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against the ground ; and throwing himself into it, folded his hands and looked sternly if Mr. Pickwick ever could look sternly at his legal friend. "You don't like to hear the name of the cause?" said the little man, still busying himself with the knot. "No, I do not indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Sorry for that," resumed Perker, "because it will form the subject of our conversation." " I would rather that the subject should be never mentioned between us, Perker," interposed Mr. Pickwick, hastily. "Pooh, pooh, my dear sir," said the little man, untying the bundle, and glancing eagerly at Mr. Pickwick out of the corners of his eyes. "It must be mentioned. I have come here on purpose. Now, are you ready to hear what I have to say, my dear sir? No hurry; if you are not, I can wait. I have this morning's paper here. Your time shall be mine. There ! " Hereupon, the little man threw one leg over the other, and made a show of beginning to read with great composure and application. " Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick, with a sigh, but softening into a smile at the same time. " Say what you have to say ; it's the old story, I suppose ? " " With a difference, my dear sir ; with a difference," rejoined Perker, deliberately folding up the paper and putting it into his pocket again. " Mrs. Bardell, the plaintiff in the action, is within these walls, sir." " I know it," was Mr. Pickwick's reply. "Very good," retorted Perker. "And you know how she VOL. II. X 306 THE PICKWICK CLUB. comes here, I suppose; I mean on what grounds, and at whose suit? 11 " Yes ; at least I have heard Sara's account of the matter," said Mr. Pickwick, with affected carelessness. "Sam's account of the matter," replied Perker, "is, I will venture to say, a perfectly correct one. Well now, my dear sir, the first question I have to ask, is, whether this woman is to remain here?" " To remain here ! " echoed Mr. Pickwick. "To remain here, my dear sir," rejoined Perker, leaning back in his chair and looking steadily at his client. " How can you ask me ? " said that gentleman. " It rests with Dodson and Fogg; you know that, very well." " I know nothing of the kind," retorted Perker, firmly. " It does not rest with Dodson and Fogg; you know the men, my dear sir, as well as I do. It rests solely, wholly, and entirely with you." " With me ! " ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, rising nervously from his chair, and reseating himself directly afterwards. The little man gave a double knock on the lid of his snuff-box, opened it, took a great pinch, shut it up again, and repeated the words, "With you." " I say, my dear sir," resumed the little man, who seemed to gather confidence from the snuff; " I say, that her speedy liberation or perpetual imprisonment rests with you, and with you alone. Hear me out, my dear sir, if you please, and do not be so very energetic, for it will only put you into a perspiration and do no good whatever. I say," continued Perker, checking off each position on a different finger, as he laid it down ; " I say that nobody but you can rescue her from this den of wretchedness ; and that you can only do that, by paying the costs of this suit both of plaintiff and defendant into the hands of these Freeman's Court sharks. Now pray be quiet, my dear sir." Mr. Pickwick, whose face had been undergoing most sur- prising changes during this speech, and who was evidently on A WAY OUT. 307 the verge of a strong burst of indignation, calmed his wrath as well as he could. Perker, strengthening his argumentative powers with another pinch of snuff, proceeded. " I have seen the woman, this morning. By paying the costs, you can obtain a full release and discharge from the damages ; and further this I know is a far greater object of consideration with you, my dear sir a voluntary statement, under her hand, in the form of a letter to me, that this business was, from the very first, fomented, and encouraged, and brought about, by these men, Dodson and Fogg; that she deeply regrets ever having been the instrument of annoyance or injury to you; and that she entreats me to intercede with you, and implore your pardon." " If I pay her costs for her, 1 ' said Mr. Pickwick, indignantly. " A valuable document, indeed ! " " No ' if in the case, my dear sir," said Perker, triumphantly. "There is the very letter I speak of. Brought to my office by another woman at nine o'clock this morning, before I had set foot in this place, or held any communication with Mrs. Bardell, upon my honour." Selecting the letter from the bundle, the little lawyer laid it at Mr. Pickwick's elbow, and took snuff for two consecutive minutes, without winking. "Is this all you have to say to me?" inquired Mr. Pick- wick, mildly. " Not quite," replied Perker. " I cannot undertake to say, at this moment, whether the wording of the cognovit, the nature of the ostensible consideration, and the proof we can get together about the whole conduct of the suit, will be sufficient to justify an indictment for conspiracy. I fear not, my dear sir; they are too clever for that, I doubt. I do mean to say, however, that the whole facts, taken together, will be sufficient to justify you, in the minds of all reasonable men. And now, my dear sir, I put it to you. This one hundred and fifty pounds, or whatever it may be take it in round numbers is nothing to you. A jury has decided against you; well, their 'verdict is wrong, but still they 308 THE PICKWICK CLUB. decided as they thought right, and it w against you. You have now an opportunity, on easy terms, of placing yourself in a much higher position than you ever could, by remaining here; which would only be imputed, by people who didn't know you, to sheer dogged, wrongheaded, brutal obstinacy : nothing else, my dear sir, believe me. Can you hesitate to avail yourself of it, when it restores you to your friends, your old pursuits, your health and amusements; when it liberates your faithful and attached servant, whom you other- wise doom to imprisonment for the whole of your life ; and above all, when it enables you to take the very magnanimous revenge which I know, my dear sir, is one after your own heart of releasing this woman from a scene of misery and debauchery, to which no man should ever be consigned, if I had my will, but the infliction of which on any woman, is even more frightful and barbarous. Now I ask you, my dear sir, not only as your legal adviser, but as your very true friend, will you let slip the occasion of attaining all these objects, and doing all this good, for the paltry con- sideration of a few pounds finding their way into the pockets of a couple of rascals, to whom it makes no manner of difference, except that the more they gain, the more they'll seek, and so the sooner be led into some piece of knavery that must end in a crash? I have put these considerations to you, my dear sir, very feebly and imperfectly, but I ask you to think of them. Turn them over in your mind as long as you please. I wait here most patiently for your answer."" Before Mr. Pickwick could reply ; before Mr. Perker had taken one twentieth part of the snuff with which so unusually long an address imperatively required to be followed up ; there was a low murmuring of voices outside, and then a hesitating knock at the door. "Dear, dear,"" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had been evidently roused by his friend's appeal ; " what an annoyance that door is! Who is that?" "Me, sir, 11 replied Sam Weller, putting in his head. A PLEASANT SURPRISE. 509 " I can't speak to you just now, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. " I am engaged, at this moment, Sam. 1 ' "Beg your pardon, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller. "But here's a lady here, sir, as says she's somethin' wery partickler to disclose." "I can't see any lady," replied Mr. Pickwick, whose mind was filled with visions of Mrs. Bardell. "I vouldn't make too sure o' that, sir," urged Mr. Weller, shaking his head. "If you know'd who was near, sir, I rayther think you'd change your note. As the hawk remarked to himself with a cheerful laugh, ven he heerd the robin redbreast a singin' round the corner." " Who is it ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. "Will you see her, sir?" asked Mr. Weller, holding the door in his hand as if he had some curious live animal on the other side. " I suppose I must," said Mr. Pickwick, looking at Perker. "Well then, all in to begin!" cried Sam. "Sound the gong, draw up the curtain, and enter the two con-spiraytors." As Sam Weller spoke, he threw the door open, and there rushed tumultuously into the room, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle: leading after him by the hand, the identical young lady who at Dingley Dell had worn the boots with the fur round the tops, and who, now a very pleasing compound of blushes and confusion and lilac silk and a smart bonnet and a rich lace veil, looked prettier than ever. "Miss Arabella Allen!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, rising from his chair. "No," replied Mr. Winkle, dropping on his knees, "Mrs. Winkle. Pardon, my dear friend, pardon ? " Mr. Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence of his senses, and perhaps would not have done so, but for the corroborative testimony afforded by the smiling countenance of Perker, and the bodily presence, in the background, of Sam and the pretty housemaid; who appeared to contemplate the proceedings with the liveliest satisfaction. 310 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Oh, Mr. Pickwick ! "" said Arabella, in a low voice, as if alarmed at the silence. "Can you forgive my im- prudence ? " Mr. Pickwick returned no verbal response to this appeal; but he took off his spectacles in great haste, and seizing both the young lady's hands in his, kissed her a great number of times perhaps a greater number than was absolutely necessary and then, still retaining one of her hands, told Mr. Winkle he was an audacious young dog, and bade him get up. This, Mr. Winkle, who had been for some seconds scratching his nose with the brim of his hat, in a penitent manner, did; whereupon Mr. Pickwick slapped him on the back several times, and then shook hands heartily with Perker, who, not to be behind-hand in the compliments of the occasion, saluted both the bride and the pretty housemaid with right good will, and, having wrung Mr. Winkle's hand most cordially, wound up his demonstrations of joy by taking snuff' enough to set any half dozen men with ordinarily constructed noses, a sneezing for life. "Why, my dear girl," said Mr. Pickwick, "how has all this come about ? Come ! Sit down, and let me hear it all. How well she looks, doesn't she, Perker ? " added Mr. Pickwick, surveying Arabella's face with a look of as much pride and exultation, as if she had been his daughter. " Delightful, my dear sir, 11 replied the little man. " If I were not a married man myself, I should be disposed to envy you, you dog. 11 Thus expressing himself, the little lawyer gave Mr. Winkle a poke in the chest, which that gentleman reciprocated; after which they both laughed very loudly, but not so loudly as Mr. Samuel Weller. Who had just relieved his feelings by kissing the pretty housemaid, under cover of the cupboard-door. "I can never be grateful enough to you, Sam, I am sure, 11 said Arabella, with the sweetest smile imaginable. "I shall not forget your exertions in the garden at Clifton. 11 "Don't say nothin 1 wotever about it, ma^, 11 replied Sam. EXPLANATIONS. 311 "I only assisted natur', ma'm ; as the doctor said to the boy's mother, arter he'd bled him to death." "Mary, my dear, sit down," said Mr. Pickwick, cutting short these compliments. "Now then; how long have you been married, eh ? " Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master, who replied, " Only three days. 1 " "Only three days, eh?" said Mr. Pickwick. "Why, what have you been doing these three months ? " " Ah, to be sure ! " interposed Perker ; " come ! Account for this idleness. You see Pickwick's only astonishment is, that it wasn't all over, months ago." "Why, the fact is," replied Mr. Winkle, looking at his blushing young wife, " that I could not persuade Bella to run away, for a long time. And when I had persuaded her, it was a long time more, before we could find an opportunity. Mary had to give a month's warning, too, before she could leave her place next door, and we couldn't possibly have done it without her assistance." "Upon my word," exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who by this time had resumed his spectacles, and was looking from Arabella to Winkle, and from Winkle to Arabella, with as much delight depicted in his countenance as warm-heartedness and kindly feeling can communicate to the human face: "upon my word! you seem to have been very systematic in your proceedings. And is your brother acquainted with all this, my dear?" "Oh, no, no," replied Arabella, changing colour. "Dear Mr. Pickwick, he must only know it from you from your lips alone. He is so violent, so prejudiced, and has been so so anxious in behalf of his friend, Mr. Sawyer," added Arabella, looking down, * l that I fear the consequences dread- fully." "Ah, to be sure," said Perker gravely. "You must take this matter in hand for them, my dear sir. These young men will respect you, when they would listen to nobody else. 312 THE PICKWICK CLUB. You must prevent mischief, my dear sir. Hot blood, hot blood. 11 And the little man took a warning pinch, and shook his head doubtfully. "You forget, my love, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, gently, "you forget that I am a prisoner."" "No, indeed I do not, my dear sir, 11 replied Arabella. "I never have forgotten it. I have never ceased to think how great your sufferings must have been in this shocking place. But I hoped that what no consideration for yourself would induce you to do, a regard to our happiness, might. If my brother hears of this, first, from you, I feel certain we shall be reconciled. He is my only relation in the world, Mr. Pickwick, and unless you plead for me, I fear I have lost even him. I have done wrong, very, very wrong, I know. 11 Here poor Arabella hid her face in her handkerchief, and wept bitterly. Mr. Pickwick's nature was a good deal worked upon, by these same tears; but when Mrs. Winkle, drying her eyes, took to coaxing and entreating in the sweetest tones of a very sweet voice, he became particularly restless, and evi- dently undecided how to act. As was evinced by sundry nervous rubbings of his spectacle-glasses, nose, tights, head, and gaiters. Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecision, Mr. Perker (to whom, it appeared, the young couple had driven straight that morning) urged with legal point and shrewd- ness that Mr. Winkle, senior, was still unacquainted with the important rise in life's flight of steps which his son had taken ; that the future expectations of the said son depended entirely upon the said Winkle, senior, continuing to regard him with undiminished feelings of affection and attachment, which it was very unlikely he would, if this great event were long kept a secret from him; that Mr. Pickwick, repairing to Bristol to seek Mr. Allen, might, with equal reason, repair to Birmingham to seek Mr. Winkle, senior; lastly, that Mr. Winkle, senior, had good right and title A CONCESSION. 313 to consider Mr. Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and adviser of his son, and that it consequently behoved that gentleman, and was indeed due to his personal character, to acquaint the aforesaid Winkle, senior, personally, and by word of mouth, with the whole circumstances of the case, and with the share he had taken in the transaction. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass arrived, most opportunely, in this stage of the pleadings, and as it was necessary to explain to them all that had occurred, together with the various reasons pro and con, the whole of the arguments were gone over again, after which everybody urged every argument in his own way, and at his own length. And, at last, Mr. Pickwick, fairly argued and remonstrated out of all his resolutions, and being in imminent danger of being argued and remonstrated out of his wits, caught Arabella in his arms, and declaring that she was a very amiable creature, and that he didn't know how it was, but he had always been very fond of her from the first, said he could never find it in his heart to stand in the way of young people's happiness, and they might do with him as they pleased. Mr. Weller's first act, on hearing this concession, was to despatch Job Trotter to the illustrious Mr. Pell, with an authority to deliver to the bearer the formal discharge which his prudent parent had had the foresight to leave in the hands of that learned gentleman, in case it should be, at any time, required on an emergency; his next proceeding was, to invest his Avhole stock of ready money, in the purchase of five-and-twenty gallons of mild porter : which he himself dispensed on the racket ground to everybody who would partake of it ; this done, he hurra'd in divers parts of the building until he lost his voice, and then quietly relapsed into his usual collected and philosophical condition. At three o'clock that afternoon, Mr. Pickwick took a last look at his little room/ and made his way, as well as he could, through the throng of debtors who pressed eagerly forward to shake him by the hand, until he reached the 314 THE PICKWICK CLUB. lodge steps. He turned here, to look about him, and his eye lightened as he did so. In all the crowd of wan, emaciated faces, he saw not one which was not the happier for his sympathy and charity. "Perker," said Mr. Pickwick, beckoning one young man towards him, "this is Mr. Jingle, whom I spoke to you about"" "Very good, my dear sir," replied Perker, looking hard at Jingle. " You will see me again, young man, to-morrow. I hope you may live to remember and feel deeply, what I shall have to communicate, sir." Jingle bowed respectfully, trembled very much as he took Mr. Pickwick's proffered hand, and withdrew. "Job you know, I think?" said Mr. Pickwick, presenting that gentleman. "I know the rascal," replied Perker, good-humouredly. " See after your friend, and be in the way to-morrow at one. Do you hear ? Now, is there anything more ? " " Nothing," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. " You have delivered the little parcel I gave you for your old landlord, Sam ? " "I have, sir," replied Sam. "He bust out a cryin', sir, and said you wos wery gen'rous and thoughtful, and he only wished you could have him innokilated for a gallopin 1 con- sumption, for his old friend as had lived here so long, wos dead, and he'd noweres to look for another." "Poor fellow, poor fellow!" said Mr. Pickwick. "God bless you, my friends ! " As Mr. Pickwick uttered this adieu, the crowd raised a loud shout. Many among them were pressing forward to shake him by the hand, again, when he drew his arm through PerkerX and hurried from the prison: far more sad and melancholy, for the moment, than when he had first entered it. Alas! how many sad and unhappy beings had he left behind ! A happy evening was that, for, at least, one party in the George and Vulture ; and light and cheerful were two of the ADIEU TO THE FLEET. 315 hearts that emerged from its hospitable door next morning. The owners thereof were Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller, the former of whom was speedily deposited inside a comfortable post coach, with a little dickey behind, in which the latter mounted with great agility. " Sir," called out Mr. Weller to his master. " Well, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, thrusting his head out of the window. " I wish them horses had been three months and better in the Fleet, sir." " Why, Sam ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. "Wy, sir," 1 exclaimed Mr. Weller, rubbing his hands, "how they would go if they had been ! " CHAPTER XLVIII. RELATES HOW MR. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF MR. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF MR. ROBERT SAWYER. MR. BEN ALLEN and Mr. Bob Sawyer sat together in the little surgery behind the shop, discussing minced veal and future prospects, when the discourse, not unnaturally, turned upon the practice acquired by Bob the aforesaid, and his present chances of deriving a competent independence from the honourable profession to which he had devoted himself. " Which, I think," observed Mr. Bob Sawyer, pursuing the thread of the subject, " which, I think, Ben, are rather dubious. 11 " What's rather dubious ? " inquired Mr. Ben Allen, at the same time sharpening his intellects with a draught of beer. "What's dubious?" "Why, the chances," responded Mr. Bob Sawyer. " I forgot," said Mr. Ben Allen. " The beer has reminded me that I forgot, Bob yes ; they are dubious." "It's wonderful how the poor people patronise me," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, reflectively. "They knock me up, at all hours of the night; they take medicine to an extent which I should have conceived impossible; they put on blisters and leeches with a perseverance worthy of a better cause ; they make additions to their families, in a manner which is quite A WANT OF TASTE. 317 awful. Six of those last-named little promissory notes, all due on the same day, Ben, and all intrusted to me ! " "It's very gratifying, isn't it. ?T> said Mr. Ben Allen, holding his plate for some more minced veal. " Oh, very," replied Bob ; " only not quite so much so, as the confidence of patients with a shilling or two to spare, would be. This business was capitally described in the advertisement, Ben. It is a practice, a very extensive practice and that's all." " Bob," said Mr. Ben Allen, laying down his knife and fork, and fixing his eyes on the visage of his friend: "Bob, Til tell you what it is." " What is it ? " inquired Mr. Bob Sawyer. "You must make yourself, with as little delay as possible, master of Arabella's one thousand pounds." " Three per cent, consolidated Bank annuities, now standing in her name in the book or books of the Governor and Company of the Bank of England," added Bob Sawyer, in legal phraseology. "Exactly so," said Ben. "She has it when she comes of age, or marries. She wants a year of coming of age, and if you plucked up a spirit she needn't want a month of being married." "She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me." " It's my opinion that she don't know what she does like," said Mr. Ben Allen, contemptuously. "Perhaps not," remarked Mr. Bob Sawyer. "But it's my opinion that she does know what she doesn't like, and that's of more importance." " I wish," said Mr. Ben Allen, setting his teeth together, and speaking more like a savage warrior who fed on raw wolfs flesh which he carved with his fingers, than a peaceable young gentleman who ate minced veal with a knife and fork, 318 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " I wish I knew whether any rascal really has been tampering with her, and attempting to engage her affections. I think I should assassinate him, Bob."" "Fd put a bullet in him, if I found him out," said Mr. Sawyer, stopping in the course of a long draught of beer, and looking malignantly out of the porter pot. "If that didn't do his business, Td extract it afterwards, and kill him that way." Mr. Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his friend for some minutes in silence, and then said : "You have never proposed to her, point-blank, Bob?" " No. Because I saw it would be of no use, 11 replied Mr. Robert Sawyer. " You shall do it, before you are twenty -four hours older, 11 retorted Ben, with desperate calmness. " She shall have you, or Til know the reason why. Til exert my authority. 11 "Well, 11 said Mr. Bob Sawyer, "we shall see. 11 "We shall see, my friend, 11 replied Mr. Ben Allen, fiercely. He paused for a few seconds, and added in a voice broken by emotion, " You have loved her from a child, my friend. You loved her when we were boys at school together, and, even then, she was wayward, and slighted your young feelings. Do you recollect, with all the eagerness of a child's love, one day pressing upon her acceptance, two small caraway-seed biscuits and one sweet apple, neatly folded into a circular parcel with the leaf of a copybook ? " "I do," replied Bob Sawyer. " She slighted that, I think ? " said Ben Allen. " She did, 11 rejoined Bob. " She said I had kept the parcel so long in the pockets of my corduroys, that the apple was unpleasantly warm. 11 "I remember,"" said Mr. Allen, gloomily. "Upon which we ate it ourselves, in alternate bites. 11 Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the circumstance last alluded to, by a melancholy frown ; and the two friends remained for some time absorbed, each in his own meditations. ARRIVAL OF A FLY. 319 While these observations were being exchanged between Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen; and while the boy in the grey livery, marvelling at the unwonted prolonga- tion of the dinner, cast an anxious look, from time to time, towards the glass door, distracted by inward misgivings regarding the amount of minced veal which would be ultimately reserved for his individual cravings; there rolled soberly on through the streets of Bristol, a private fly, painted of a sad green colour, drawn by a chubby sort of brown horse, and driven by a surly-looking man with his legs dressed like the legs of a groom, and his body attired in the coat of a coachman. Such appearances are common to many vehicles belonging to, and maintained by, old ladies of economic habits; and in this vehicle, sat an old lady who was its mistress and proprietor. " Martin ! " said the old lady, calling to the surly man, out of the front window. "Well?" said the surly man, touching his hat to the old lady. "Mr. Sawyer's," said the old lady. " I was going there," said the surly man. The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this proof of the surly man's foresight imparted to her feelings; and the surly man giving a smart lash to the chubby horse, they all repaired to Mr. Bob Sawyer's together. " Martin ! " said the old lady, when the fly stopped at the door of Mr. Robert Sawyer late Nockemorf. "Well? "said Martin. "Ask the lad to step out, and mind the horse." "I'm going to mind the horse myself," said Martin, laying his whip on the roof of the fly. "I can't permit it, on any account," said the old lady; "your testimony will be very important, and I must take you into the house with me. You must not stir from my side during the whole interview. Do you hear?" "I hear," replied Martin. 320 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Well ; what are you stopping for ? " "Nothing," replied Martin. So saying, the surly man leisurely descended from the wheel, on which he had been poising himself on the tops of the toes of his right foot, and having summoned the boy in the grey livery opened the coach-door, flung down the steps, and thrusting in a hand enveloped in a dark wash-leather glove, pulled out the old lady with as much unconcern in his manner as if she were a bandbox. " Dear me ! " exclaimed the old lady. " I am so flurried, now I have got here, Martin, that I'm all in a tremble." Mr. Martin coughed behind the dark wash-leather glove, but expressed no sympathy ; so the old lady, composing herself, trotted up Mr. Bob Sawyer's steps, and Mr. Martin followed, Immediately on the old lady's entering the shop, Mr. Benjamin Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been putting the spirits and water out of sight, and upsetting nauseous drugs to take off the smell of the tobacco-smoke, issued hastily forth in a transport of pleasure and affection. "My dear aunt," exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, "how kind of you to look in upon us! Mr. Sawyer, aunt; my friend Mr. Bob Sawyer whom I have spoken to you about, regard- ing you know, aunt." And here Mr. Ben Allen, who was not at the moment extraordinarily sober, added the word "Arabella," in what was meant to be a whisper, but which was an especially audible and distinct tone of speech, which nobody could avoid hearing, if anybody were so disposed. "My dear Benjamin," said the old lady, struggling with a great shortness of breath, and trembling from head to foot : "don't be alarmed, my dear, but I think I had better speak to Mr. Sawyer, alone, for a moment. Only for one moment." "Bob," said Mr. Ben Allen, "will you take my aunt into the surgery?" "Certainly," responded Bob, in a most professional voice. " Step this way, my dear ma'am. Don't be frightened, ma'am. We shall be able to set you to rights in a very short time, A MISUNDERSTANDING. 321 I have no doubt, ma'am. Here, my dear ma'am. Now then ! " With this, Mr. Bob Sawyer having handed the old lady to a chair, shut the door, drew another chair close to her, and waited to hear detailed the symptoms of some disorder from which he saw in perspective a long train of profits and advantages. The first thing the old lady did, was to shake her head a great many times, and begin to cry. " Nervous," said Bob Sawyer complacently. " Camphor- julep and water three times a-day, and composing draught at night." "I don't know how to begin, Mr. Sawyer," said the old lady. "It is so very painful and distressing." "You need not begin, ma'am," rejoined Mr. Bob Sawyer. " I can anticipate all you would say. The head is in fault." " I should be very sorry to think it was the heart," said the old lady, with a slight groan. "Not the slightest danger of that, ma'am," replied Bob Sawyer. "The stomach is the primary cause." "Mr. Sawyer!" exclaimed the old lady, starting. " Not the least doubt of it, ma'am," rejoined Bob, looking wondrous wise. " Medicine, in time, my dear ma'am, would have prevented it all." " Mr. Sawyer," said the old lady, more flurried than before, "this conduct is either great impertinence to one in my situation, sir, or it arises from your not understanding the object of my visit. If it had been in the power of medicine, or any foresight I could have used, to prevent what has occurred, I should certainly have done so. I had better see my nephew at once," said the old lady, twirling her reticule indignantly, and rising as she spoke. " Stop a moment, ma'am," said Bob Sawyer ; " I'm afraid I have not understood you. What is the matter, ma'am ? " " My niece, Mr. Sawyer," said the old lady ; " your friend's sister." " Yes, ma'am," said Bob, all impatience ; for the old lady, VOL. II. Y 322 THE PICKWICK CLUB. although much agitated, spoke with the most tantalising deliberation, as old ladies often do. "Yes, ma'am.' " Left my home, Mr. Sawyer, three days ago, on a pretended visit to my sister, another aunt of hers, who keeps the large boarding-school just beyond the third mile-stone where there is a very large laburnum tree and an oak gate, 11 said the old lady, stopping in this place to dry her eyes. " Oh, devil take the laburnum tree ! ma'am,"" said Bob, quite forgetting his professional dignity in his anxiety. " Get on a little faster; put a little more steam on, ma'am, pray."" " This morning, 1 " 1 said the old lady, slowly, " this morning, she " "She came back, ma'am, I suppose,"" said Bob, with great amimation. " Did she come back ? " "No, she did not; she wrote, 11 replied the old lady. "What did she say? 11 inquired Bob, eagerly. " She said, Mr. Sawyer, 11 replied the old lady " and it is this, I want you to prepare Benjamin's mind for, gently and by degrees ; she said that she was I have got the letter in my pocket, Mr. Sawyer, but my glasses are in the carriage, and I should only waste your time if I attempted to point out the passage to you, without them ; she said, in short, Mr. Sawyer, that she was married." " What ! " said, or rather shouted, Mr. Bob Sawyer. "Married, 11 repeated the old lady. Mr. Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more; but darting from the surgery into the outer shop, cried in a stentorian voice, " Ben, my boy, she's bolted ! " Mr. Ben Allen, who had been slumbering behind the counter, with his head half a foot or so below his knees, no sooner heard this appalling communication, than he made a precipitate rush at Mr. Martin, and, twisting his hand in the neckcloth of that taciturn servitor, expressed an intention of choking him where he stood. This intention, with a promptitude often the effect of desperation, he at once commenced carrying into execution, with much vigour and surgical skill. AN EXCITING SCENE. 323 Mr. Martin, who was a man of few words and possessed but little power of eloquence or persuasion, submitted to this operation with a very calm and agreeable expression of countenance, for some seconds; finding, however, that it threatened speedily to lead to a result which would place it beyond his power to claim any wages, board or otherwise, in all time to come, he muttered an inarticulate remonstrance and felled Mr. Benjamin Allen to the ground. As that gentleman had his hands entangled in his cravat, he had no alternative but to follow him to the floor. There they both lay struggling, when the shop door opened, and the party was increased by the arrival of two most unexpected visitors : to wit, Mr. Pickwick, and Mr. Samuel Weller. The impression at once produced on Mr. Weller's mind by what he saw, was, that Mr. Martin was hired by the establish- ment of Sawyer late Nockemorf, to take strong medicine, or to go into fits and be experimentalised upon, or to swallow poison now and then with the view of testing the efficacy of some new antidotes, or to do something or other to promote the great science of medicine, and gratify the ardent spirit of inquiry burning in the bosoms of its two young professors. So, without presuming to interfere, Sam stood perfectly still, and looked on, as if he were mightily interested in the result of the then pending experiment. Not so, Mr. Pickwick. He at once threw himself on the astonished combatants, with his accustomed energy, and loudly called upon the by-standers to interpose. This roused Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been hitherto quite paralysed by the frenzy of his companion. With that gentleman's assistance, Mr. Pickwick raised Ben Allen to his feet. Mr. Martin finding himself alone on the floor, got up, and looked about him. "Mr. Allen," said Mr. Pickwick, "what is the matter, sir ? " "Never mind, sir!" replied Mr. Allen, with haughty defiance. 324 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "What is it?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at Bob Sawyer. " Is he unwell ? " Before Bob could reply, Mr. Ben Allen seized Mr. Pickwick by the hand, and murmured, in sorrowful accents, " My sister, my dear sir; my sister. 1 ' " Oh, is that all ! " said Mr. Pickwick. " We shall easily arrange that matter, I hope. Your sister is safe and well, and I am here, my dear sir, to " "Sorry to do anythin' as may cause an interruption to such wery pleasant proceedings, as the king said wen he dissolved the parliament," interposed Mr. Weller, who had been peeping through the glass door; "but there's another experiment here, sir. Here's a wenerable old lady a lyin' on the carpet waitin' for dissection, or galwinism, or some other rewivin' and scientific inwention." " I forgot," exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen. " It is my aunt." " Dear me ! " said Mr. Pickwick. " Poor lady ! Gently, Sam, gently." "Strange sitivation for one o' the family," observed Sam Weller, hoisting the aunt into a chair. "Now, depitty Sawbones, bring out the wollatilly!" The latter observation was addressed to the boy in grey, who, having handed over the fly to the care of the street- keeper, had come back to see what all the noise was about. Between the boy in grey, and Mr. Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Benjamin Allen (who having frightened his aunt into a fainting fit, was affectionately solicitous for her recovery) the old lady was, at length, restored to consciousness; then Mr. Ben Allen, turning with a puzzled countenance to Mr. Pickwick, asked him what he was about to say, when he had been so alarmingly interrrupted. " We are all friends here, I presume ? " said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his voice, and looking towards the man of few words with the surly countenance, who drove the fly with the chubby horse. This reminded Mr. Bob Sawyer that the boy in grey was A MAGNANIMOUS DENUNCIATION. 325 looking on, with eyes wide open, and greedy ears. The incipient chemist having been lifted up by his coat collar, and dropped outside the door, Bob Sawyer assured Mr. Pickwick that he might speak without reserve. " Your sister, my dear sir, 1 " said Mr. Pickwick, turning to Benjamin Allen, " is in London ; well and happy." " Her happiness is no object to me, sir, 11 said Mr. Benjamin Allen, with a flourish of the hand. "Her husband is an object to me, sir," said Bob Sawyer. "He shall be an object to me, sir, at twelve paces, and a very pretty object Fll make of him, sir a mean-spirited scoundrel ! " This, as it stood, was a very pretty denuncia- tion, and magnanimous withal; but Mr. Bob Sawyer rather weakened its effect, by winding up with some general observa- tions concerning the punching of heads and knocking out of eyes, which were commonplace by comparison. "Stay, sir," said Mr. Pickwick; "before you apply those epithets to the gentleman in question, consider, dispassionately, the extent of his fault, and above all remember that he is a friend of mine." " What ! " said Mr. Bob Sawyer. " His name ! " cried Ben Allen. " His name ! " "Mr. Nathaniel Winkle," said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spectacles beneath the heel of his boot, and having picked up the pieces, and put them into three separate pockets, folded his arms, bit his lips, and looked in a threatening manner at the bland features of Mr. Pickwick. "Then ifs you, is it, sir, who have encouraged and brought about this match ? " inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen at length. " And it's this gentleman's servant, I suppose," interrupted the old lady, " who has been skulking about my house, and endeavouring to entrap my servants to conspire against their mistress. Martin ! " " Well ? " said the surly man, coming forward. 326 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Is that the young man you saw in the lane, whom you told me about, this morning ? " Mr. Martin, who, as it has already appeared, was a man of few words, looked at Sam Weller, nodded his head, and growled forth, " That's the man ! " Mr. Weller, who was never proud, gave a smile of friendly recognition as his eyes encountered those of the surly groom, and admitted, in courteous terms, that he had "knowed him afore. 11 "And this is the faithful creature,' 1 exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, " whom I had nearly suffocated ! Mr. Pickwick, how dare you allow your fellow to be employed in the abduction of my sister ? I demand that you explain this matter, sir. 11 "Explain it, sir! 11 cried Bob Sawyer, fiercely. "It's a conspiracy," said Ben Allen. "A regular plant, 11 added Mr. Bob Sawyer. "A disgraceful imposition, 11 observed the old lady. "Nothing but a do, 11 remarked Martin. "Pray hear me, 11 urged Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Ben Allen fell into a chair that patients were bled in, and gave way to his pocket-handkerchief. "I have rendered no assistance in this matter, beyond that of being present at one interview between the young people, which I could not prevent, and from which I conceived my presence would remove any slight colouring of impropriety that it might otherwise have had ; this is the whole share I have taken in the transaction, and I had no suspicion that an immediate marriage was even contemplated. Though, mind, 11 added Mr. Pickwick, hastily checking himself, "mind, I do not say I should have pre- vented it, if I had known that it was intended."" " You hear that, all of you ; you hear that ? n said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "I hope they do," mildly observed Mr. Pickwick, looking round, "and, 11 added that gentleman: his colour mounting as he spoke : " I hope they hear this, sir, also. That from what has been stated to me, sir, I assert that you were by no means justified in attempting to force your sister's MR. WELLER EXPLAINS MATTERS. 327 inclinations as you did, and that you should rather have endeavoured by your kindness and forbearance to have supplied the place of other nearer relations whom she has never known, from a child. As regards my young friend, I must beg to add, that in every point of worldly advantage, he is, at least, on an equal footing with yourself, if not on a much better one, and that unless I hear this question discussed with becoming temper and moderation, I decline hearing any more said upon the subject.'' 1 "I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition to wot has been put forard by the honorable genTnVn as has jist give over,' 1 said Mr. Weller, stepping forth, "wich is this here : a indiwidual in company has called me a feller." "That has nothing whatever to do with the matter, Sam, 1 ' interposed Mr. Pickwick. "Pray hold your tongue. 11 "I ain't a goin 1 to say nothin 1 on that ere pint, sir, 1 ' replied Sam, "but merely this here. P'raps that genTm'n may think as there wos a priory 'tachment ; but there worn't nothin 1 o' the sort, for the young lady said, in the wery beginnin 1 o' the keepin 1 company, that she couldn't abide him. Nobody 1 s cut him out, and it 'ud ha' been jist the wery same for him if the young lady had never seen Mr. Vinkle. That's wot I wished to say, sir, and I hope I've now made that 'ere genl'mVs mind easy. 11 A short pause followed these consolatory remarks of Mr. Weller. Then Mr. Ben Allen rising from his chair, protested that he would never see Arabella^ face again : while Mr. Bob Sawyer, despite Sam's flattering assurance, vowed dreadful vengeance on the happy bridegroom. But, just when matters were at their height, and threatening to remain so, Mr. Pickwick found a powerful assistant in the old lady, who, evidently much struck by the mode in which he had advocated her niece's cause, ventured to approach Mr. Benjamin Allen with a few comforting reflections, of which the chief were, that after all, perhaps, it was well it was no worse ; the least said the soonest mended, and upon 328 THE PICKWICK CLUB. her word she did not know that it was so very bad after all ; what was over couldn't be begun, and what couldn't be cured must be endured : with various other assurances of the like novel and strengthening description. To all of these, Mr. Benjamin Allen replied that he meant no disrespect to his aunt, or anybody there, but if it were all the same to them, and they would allow him to have his own way, he would rather have the pleasure of hating his sister till death, and after it. At length, when this determination had been announced half a hundred times, the old lady suddenly bridling up and looking very majestic, wished to know what she had done that no respect was to be paid to her years or station, and that she should be obliged to beg and pray, in that way, of her own nephew, whom she remembered about five-and- twenty years before he was born, and whom she had known, personally, when he hadn't a tooth in his head? To say nothing of her presence on the first occasion of his having his hair cut, and assistance at numerous other times and ceremonies during his babyhood, of sufficient importance to found a claim upon his affection, obedience, and sympathies, for ever. While the good lady was bestowing this objurgation on Mr. Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer and Mr. Pickwick had retired in close conversation to the inner room, where Mr. Sawyer was observed to apply himself several times to the mouth of a black bottle, under the influence of which, his features gradually assumed a cheerful and even jovial expression. And at last he emerged from the room, bottle in hand, and, remarking that he was very sorry to say he had been making a fool of himself, begged to propose the health and happiness of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, whose felicity, so far from envying, he would be the first to congratulate them upon. Hearing this, Mr. Ben Allen suddenly arose from his chair, and, seizing the black bottle, drank the toast so heartily, that, the liquor being strong, he became nearly as black in the face as the MR. PICKWICK RETURNS TO THE BUSH. 329 bottle. Finally, the black bottle went round till it was empty, and there was so much shaking of hands and inter- changing of compliments, that even the metal-visaged Mr. Martin condescended to smile. " And now,' 1 said Bob Sawyer, rubbing his hands, " well have a jolly night. 1 ' "I am sorry, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, "that I must return to my inn. I have not been accustomed to fatigue lately, and my journey has tired me exceedingly. 11 " You'll take some tea, Mr. Pickwick ? 11 said the old lady, with irresistible sweetness. "Thank you, I would rather not, 11 replied that gentleman. The truth is, that the old lady's evidently increasing admira- tion, was Mr. Pickwick's principal inducement for going away. He thought of Mrs. Bardell; and every glance of the old lady^ eyes threw him into a cold perspiration. As Mr. Pickwick could by no means be prevailed upon to stay, it was arranged at once, on his own proposition, that Mr. Benjamin Allen should accompany him on his journey to the elder Mr. Winkle's, and that the coach should be at the door, at nine o'clock next morning. He then took his leave, and, followed by Samuel Weller, repaired to the Bush. It is worthy of remark, that Mr. Martin's face was horribly convulsed as he shook hands with Sam at parting, and that he gave vent to a smile and an oath simultaneously: from which tokens it has been inferred by those who were best acquainted with that gentleman's peculiarities, that he ex- pressed himself much pleased with Mr. Weller's society, and requested the honour of his further acquaintance. "Shall I order a private room, sir?" inquired Sam, when they reached the Bush. x "Why, no, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick; "as I dined in the coffee room, and shall go to bed soon, it is hardly worth while. See who there is in the travellers' room, Sam." Mr. Weller departed on his errand, and presently returned to say, that there was only a gentleman with one eye ; and 330 THE PICKWICK CLUB. that he and the landlord were drinking a bowl of bishop together. " I will join them,"" said Mr. Pickwick. "He's a queer customer, the vun-eyed vun, sir," observed Mr. Weller, as he led the way. " He's a gammonin' that 'ere landlord, he is, sir, till he don't rightly know wether he's a standing on the soles of his boots or the crown of his hat." The individual to whom this observation referred, was sitting at the upper end of the room when Mr. Pickwick entered, and was smoking a large Dutch pipe, with his eye intently fixed on the round face of the landlord : a jolly looking old personage, to whom he had recently been relating some tale of wonder, as was testified by sundry disjointed exclamations of, " Well, I wouldn't have believed it ! The strangest thing I ever heard! Couldn't have supposed it possible ! " and other expressions of astonishment which burst spontaneously from his lips, as he returned the fixed gaze of the one-eyed man. "Servant, sir," said the one-eyed man to Mr. Pickwick. " Fine night, sir." " Very much so indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick, as the waiter placed a small decanter of brandy, and some hot water before him. While Mr. Pickwick was mixing his brandy and water, the eye-eyed man looked round at him earnestly, from time to time, and at length said : " I think I've seen you before." " I don't recollect you," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. " I dare say not," said the one-eyed man. " You didn't know me, but I knew two friends of yours that were stopping at the Peacock at Eatanswill, at the time of the Election." " Oh, indeed ! " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. " Yes," rejoined the one-eyed man. " I mentioned a little circumstance to them about a friend of mine of the name of Tom Smart. Perhaps you've heard them speak of it." THE ONE-EYED BAGMAN. 331 "Often," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling. "He was your uncle, I think?" " No, no ; only a friend of my uncle's," replied the one- eyed man. " He was a wonderful man, that uncle of yours, though," remarked the landlord, shaking his head. " Well, I think he was, I think I may say he was," answered the one-eyed man. " I could tell you a story about that same uncle, gentlemen, that would rather surprise you." " Could you ? " said Mr. Pickwick. " Let us hear it, by all means." The one-eyed Bagman ladled out a glass of negus from the bowl, and drank it ; smoked a long whiff out of the Dutch pipe; and then, calling to Sam Weller who was lingering near the door, that he needn't go away unless he wanted to, because the story was no secret, fixed his eye upon the landlord's and proceeded, in the words of the next chapter. CHAPTER XLIX. CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMAN^S UNCLE. " MY uncle, gentlemen,"" said the bagman, " was one of the merriest, pleasantest, cleverest fellows that ever lived. I wish you had known him, gentlemen. On second thoughts, gentle- men, I don't wish you had known him, for if you had, you would have been all, by this time, in the ordinary course of nature, if not dead, at all events so near it, as to have taken to stopping at home and giving up company : which would have deprived me of the inestimable pleasure of addressing you at this moment. Gentlemen, I wish your fathers and mothers had known my uncle. They would have been amazingly fond of him, especially your respectable mothers ; I know they would. If any two of his numerous virtues predominated over the many that adorned his character, I should say they were his mixed punch and his after supper song. Excuse my dwelling on these melancholy recollections of departed worth; you won't see a man like my uncle every day in the week. " I have always considered it a great point in my uncle's character, gentlemen, that he was the intimate friend and companion of Tom Smart, of the great house of Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, City. My uncle collected for Tiggin and Welps, but for a long time he went pretty near the same journey as Tom ; and the very first night they met, my uncle took a fancy for Tom, and Tom took a fancy for my uncle. They made a bet of a new hat before they had known each THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE. 333 other half an hour, who should brew the best quart of punch and drink it the quickest. My uncle was judged to have won the making, but Tom Smart beat him in the drinking by about half a salt-spoon-full. They took another quart a-piece to drink each other's health in, and were staunch friends ever afterwards. There's a destiny in these things, gentlemen ; we can't help it. " In personal appearance, my uncle was a trifle shorter than the middle size; he was a thought stouter too, than the ordinary run of people, and perhaps his face might be a shade redder. He had the j oiliest face you ever saw, gentlemen : something like Punch, with a handsomer nose and chin ; his eyes were always twinkling and sparkling with good humour; and a smile not one of your unmeaning wooden grins, but a real, merry, hearty, good-tempered smile was perpetually on his countenance. He was pitched out of his gig once, and knocked, head first, against a mile-stone. There he lay, stunned, and so cut about the face with some gravel which had been heaped up alongside it, that, to use my uncle's own strong expression, if his mother could have revisited the earth, she wouldn't have known him. Indeed, when I come to think of the matter, gentlemen, I feel pretty sure she wouldn't, for she died when my uncle was two years and seven months old, and I think it's very likely that, even without the gravel, his top-boots would have puzzled the good lady not a little : to say nothing of his jolly red face. However, there he lay, and I have heard my uncle say, many a time, that the man said who picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if he had tumbled out for a treat, and that after they had bled him, the first faint glimmerings of returning animation, were, his jumping up in bed, bursting out into a loud laugh, kissing the young woman who held the basin, and demanding a mutton chop and a pickled walnut. He was very fond of pickled walnuts, gentlemen. He said he always found that, taken without vinegar, they relished the beer. " My uncle's great journey was in the fall of the leaf, at 334 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which time he collected debts, and took orders, in the north : going from London to Edinburgh, from Edinburgh to Glasgow, from Glasgow back to Edinburgh, and thence to London by the smack. You are to understand that his second visit to Edinburgh was for his own pleasure. He used to go back for a week, just to look up his old friends; and what with breakfasting with this one, lunching with that, dining with a third, and supping with another, a pretty tight week he used to make of it. I don't know whether any of you, gentlemen, ever partook of a real substantial hospitable Scotch breakfast, and then went out to a slight lunch of a bushel of oysters, a dozen or so of bottled ale, and a noggin or two of whiskey to close up with. If you ever did, you will agree with me that it requires a pretty strong head to go out to dinner and supper afterwards. "But, bless your hearts and eye-brows, all this sort of thing was nothing to my uncle ! He was so well seasoned, that it was mere child's play. I have heard him say that he could see the Dundee people out, any day, and walk home afterwards without staggering; and yet the Dundee people have as strong heads and as strong punch, gentlemen, as you are likely to meet with, between the poles. I have heard of a Glasgow man and a Dundee man drinking against each other for fifteen hours at a sitting. They were both suffocated, as nearly as could be ascertained, at the same moment, but with this trifling exception, gentlemem, they were not a bit the worse for it. " One night, within four-and-twenty hours of the time when he had settled to take shipping for London, my uncle supped at the house of a very old friend of his, a Baillie Mac some- thing and four syllables after it, who lived it the old town of Edinburgh. There were the baillie's wife, and the baillie's three daughters, and the baillie's grown-up son, and three or four stout, bushy eye-browed, canny old Scotch felloAvs, that the baillie had got together to do honour to my uncle, and help to make merry. It was a glorious supper, There were WHISKEY TODDY. 335 kippered salmon, and Finnan haddocks, and a lamb's head, and a haggis a celebrated Scotch dish, gentlemen, which my uncle used to say always looked to him, when it came to table, very much like a cupid's stomach and a great many other things besides, that I forget the names of, but very good things notwithstanding. The lassies were pretty and agreeable ; the baillie's Avife was one of the best creatures that ever lived ; and my uncle was in thoroughly good cue. The consequence of which was, that the young ladies tittered and giggled, and the old lady laughed out loud, and the baillie and the other old fellows roared till they were red in the face, the whole mortal time. I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper ; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of * Willie brewed a peck o 1 maut ; ' and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going : especially as drinking had set in at seven o'clock, in order that he might get home at a decent hour, But, thinking it might not be quite polite to go just then, my uncle voted himself into- the chair, mixed another glass, rose to propose his own health, addressed himself in a neat and complimentary speech, and drank the toast with great enthusiasm. Still nobody woke ; so my uncle took a little drop more neat this time, to prevent the toddy from disagreeing with him and, laying violent hands on his hat, sallied forth into the street. " It was a wild gusty night when my uncle closed the baillie's door, and settling his hat firmly on his head, to prevent the wind from taking it, thrust his hands into his pockets, and looking upward, took a short survey of the state of the weather. The clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed : at one time wholly obscuring her : at another, suffering her to burst forth in full splendour and shed her light on all the objects around : anon, driving over 336 THE PICKWICK CLUB. her again, with increased velocity, and shrouding everything in darkness. l Really, this won't do,' said my uncle, addressing himself to the weather, as if he felt himself personally offended. ' This is not at all the kind of thing for my voyage. It will not do, at any price, 1 said my uncle very impressively. Having repeated this, several times, he recovered his balance with some difficulty for he was rather giddy with looking up into the sky so long and walked merrily on. "The baillie's house was in the Canongate, and my uncle was going to the other end of Leith Walk, rather better than a mile's journey. On either side of him, there shot up against the dark sky, tall gaunt straggling houses, with time- stained fronts, and windows that seemed to have shared the lot of eyes in mortals, and to have grown dim and sunken with age. Six, seven, eight stories high, were the houses ; story piled above story, as children build with cards throwing their dark shadows over the roughly paved road, and making the dark night darker. A few oil lamps were scattered at long distances, but they only served to mark the dirty entrance to some narrow close, or to show where a common stair communicated, by steep and intricate windings, with the various flats above. Glancing at all these things with the air of a man who had seen them too often before, to think them worthy of much notice now, my uncle walked up the middle of the street, with a thumb in each waistcoat pocket, indulging from time to time in various snatches of song, chaunted forth with such good will and spirit, that the quiet honest folk started from their first sleep and lay trembling in bed till the sound died away in the distance ; when, satisfying themselves that it was only some drunken ne'er-do-weel finding his way home, they covered themselves up warm and fell asleep again. "I am particular in describing how my uncle walked up the middle of the street, with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, gentlemen, because, as he often used to say (and with great reason too) there is nothing at all extraordinary in this AULD REEKIE. 337 story, unless you distinctly understand at the beginning that he was not by any means of a marvellous or romantic turn. " Gentlemen, my uncle walked on with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, taking the middle of the street to himself, and singing, now a verse of a love song, and then a verse of a drinking one, and when he was tired of both, whistling melodiously, until he reached the North Bridge, which, at this point, connects the old and new towns of Edinburgh. Here he stopped for a minute, to look at the strange irregular clusters of lights piled one above the other, and twinkling afar off so high, that they looked like stars, gleaming from the castle walls on the one side and the Calton Hill on the other, as if they illuminated veritable castles in the air; while the old picturesque town slept heavily on, in gloom and darkness below: its palace and chapel of Holyrood, guarded day and night, as a friend of my uncle's used to say, by old Arthur's Seat, towering, surly and dark, like some gruff genius, over the ancient city he has watched so long. I say, gentlemen, my uncle stopped here, for a minute, to look about him ; and then, paying a compliment to the weather which had a little cleared up, though the moon was sinking, walked on again, as royally as before ; keeping the middle of the road with great dignity, and looking as if he would very much like to meet with somebody who would dispute posses- sion of it with him. There was nobody at all disposed to contest the point, as it happened ; and so, on he went, with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, like a lamb. " When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk, he had to cross a pretty large piece of waste ground which separated him from a short street which he had to turn down, to go direct to his lodging. Now, in this piece of waste ground, there was, at that time, an enclosure belonging to some wheelwright who contracted with the Post-office for the purchase of old worn-out mail coaches ; and my uncle, being very fond of coaches, old, young, or middle-aged, all at once took it into his head to step out of his road for no other VOL. IL z 338 THE PICKWICK CLUB. purpose than to peep between the palings at these mails about a dozen of which, he remembered to have seen, crowded together in a very forlorn and dismantled state, inside. My uncle was a very enthusiastic, emphatic sort of person, gentlemen ; so, finding that he could not obtain a good peep between the palings, he got over them, and sitting himself quietly down on an old axletree, began to contemplate the mail coaches with a deal of gravity. " There might be a dozen of them, or there might be more my uncle w r as never quite certain on this point, and being a man of very scrupulous veracity about numbers, didn't like to say but there they stood, all huddled together in the most desolate condition imaginable. The doors had been torn from their hinges and removed ; the linings had been stripped off: only a shred hanging here and there by a rusty nail ; the lamps were gone, the poles had long since vanished, the iron-work was rusty, the paint was worn away; the wind whistled through the chinks in the bare wood work; and the rain, which had collected on the roofs, fell, drop by drop, into the insides with a hollow and melancholy sound. They were the decaying skeletons of departed mails, and in that lonely place, at that time of night, they looked chill and dismal. " My uncle rested his head upon his hands, and thought of the busy bustling people who had rattled about, years before, in the old coaches, and were now as silent and changed ; he thought of the numbers of people to whom one of those crazy mouldering vehicles had borne, night after night, for many years, and through all weathers, the anxiously expected intelligence, the eagerly looked-for remittance, the promised assurance of health and safety, the sudden announcement of sickness and death. The merchant, the lover, the wife, the widow, the mother, the schoolboy, the very child who tottered to the door at the postman's knock how had they all looked forward to the arrival of the old coach. And where were they all now ! OLD MAIL COACHES. 339 "Gentlemen, my uncle used to say that he thought all this at the time, but I rather suspect he learnt it out of some book afterwards, for he distinctly stated that he fell into a kind of doze, as he sat on the old axletree looking at the decayed mail coaches, and that he was suddenly awakened by some deep church-bell striking two. Now, my uncle was never a fast thinker, and if he had thought all these things, I am quite certain it would have taken him till full half-past two o'clock, at the very least. I am, therefore, decidedly of opinion, gentlemen, that my uncle fell into the kind of doze, without having thought about any thing at all. "Be this, as it may, a church bell struck two. My uncle woke, rubbed his eyes, and jumped up in astonishment. " In one instant after the clock struck two, the whole of this deserted and quiet spot had become a scene of most extraordinary life and animation. The mail coach doors were on their hinges, the lining was replaced, the iron-work was as good as new, the paint was restored, the lamps were alight, cushions and great coats were on every coach box, porters were thrusting parcels into every boot, guards were stowing away letter-bags, hostlers were dashing pails of water against the renovated wheels ; numbers of men were rushing about, fixing poles into every coach ; passengers arrived, portmanteaus were handed up, horses were put to ; in short, it was perfectly clear that every mail there, was to be off directly. Gentlemen, my uncle opened his eyes so wide at all this, that, to the very last moment of his life, he used to wonder how it fell out that he had ever been able to shut ""em again. " ' Now then ! ' said a voice, as my uncle felt a hand on his shoulder, 'You're booked for one inside. You'd better get in.' " ' / booked ! ' said my uncle, turning round. " ' Yes, certainly.' "My uncle, gentlemen, could say nothing; he was so very much astonished. The queerest thing of all, was, that although there was such a crowd of persons, and although fresh faces 340 THE PICKWICK CLUB. were pouring in, every moment, there was no telling where they came from. They seemed to start up, in some strange manner, from the ground, or the air, and disappear in the same way. When a porter had put his luggage in the coach, and received his fare, he turned round and was gone ; and before my uncle had well begun to wonder what had become of him, half-a-dozen fresh ones started up, and staggered along under the weight of parcels which seemed big enough to crush them. The passengers were all dressed so oddly too ! Large, broad-skirted laced coats with great cuffs and no collars; and wigs, gentlemen, great formal wigs with a tie behind. My uncle could make nothing of it. " ' Now, are you going to get in ? ' said the person who had addressed my uncle before. He was dressed as a mail guard, with a wig on his head and most enormous cuft's to his coat, and had a lantern in one hand, and a huge blunderbuss in the other, which he was going to stow away in his little arm- chest. 'Are you going to get in, Jack Martin?' said the guard, holding the lantern to my uncle's face. " ' Hallo ! ' said my uncle, falling back a step or two. ' That's familiar ! n " ' It's so on the way-bill,' replied the guard. "'Isn't there a "Mister" before it?' said my uncle. For he felt, gentlemen, that for a guard he didn't know, to call him Jack Martin, was a liberty which the Post-office wouldn't have sanctioned if they had known it. "'No, there is not,' rejoined the guard coolly. " ' Is the fare paid ? ' inquired my uncle. " ' Of course it is,' rejoined the guard. " ' It is, is it ? said my uncle. ' Then here goes ! Which coach ? ' "'This,' said the guard, pointing to an old-fashioned Edinburgh and London Mail, which had the steps down, and the door open. ' Stop ! Here are the other passengers. Let them get in first.' "As the guard spoke, there all at once appeared, right in A FAIR PASSENGER. 341 front of my uncle, a young gentleman in a powdered wig, and a sky-blue coat trimmed with silver, made very full and broad in the skirts, which were lined with buckram. Tiggin and Welps were in the printed calico and waistcoat piece line, gentlemen, so my uncle knew all the materials at once. He wore knee breeches, and a kind of leggings rolled up over his silk stockings, and shoes with buckles; he had ruffles at his wrists, a three-cornered hat on his head, and a long taper sword by his side. The flaps of his waistcoat came half way down his thighs, and the ends of his cravat reached to his waist. He stalked gravely to the coach-door, pulled off his hat, and held it above his head at arm's length: cocking his little finger in the air at the same time, as some affected people do, when they take a cup of tea. Then he drew his feet together, and made a low grave bow, and then put out his left hand. My uncle was just going to step forward, and shake it heartily, when he perceived that these attentions were directed, not towards him, but to a young lady who just then appeared at the foot of the steps, attired in an old- fashioned green velvet dress with a long waist and stomacher. She had no bonnet on her head, gentlemen, which was muffled in a black silk hood, but she looked round for an instant as she prepared to get into the coach, and such a beautiful face as she disclosed, my uncle had never seen not even in a picture. She got into the coach, holding up her dress with one hand ; and, as my uncle always said with a round oath, when he told the story, he wouldn't have believed it possible that legs and feet could have been brought to such a state of perfection unless he had seen them with his own eyes. "But, in this one glimpse of the beautiful face, my uncle saw that the young lady cast an imploring look upon him, and that she appeared terrified and distressed. He noticed, too, that the young fellow in the powdered wig, notwithstand- ing his show of gallantry, which was all very fine and grand, clasped her tight by the wrist when she got in, and followed himself immediately afterwards. An uncommonly ill-looking 34,2 THE PICKWICK CLUB. fellow, in a close brown wig and a plum-coloured suit, wearing a very large sword, and boots up to his hips, belonged to the party ; and when he sat himself down next to the young lady, who shrunk into a corner at his approach, my uncle was confirmed in his original impression that something dark and mysterious was going forward, or, as he always said himself, that * there was a screw loose somewhere.' It's quite surprising how quickly he made up his mind to help the lady at any peril, if she needed help. " ' Death and lightning ! ' exclaimed the young gentleman, laying his hand upon his sword as my uncle entered the coach. " Blood and thunder ! ' roared the other gentleman. With this, he whipped his sword out, and made a lunge at my uncle without further ceremony. My uncle had no weapon about him, but with great dexterity he snatched the ill- looking gentleman's three-cornered hat from his head, and, receiving the point of his sword right through the crown, squeezed the sides together, and held it tight. " ' Pink him behind ! ' cried the ill-looking gentleman to his companion, as he struggled to regain his sword. " ' He had better not, 1 cried my uncle, displaying the heel of one of his shoes, in a threatening manner. ' Til kick his brains out, if he has any, or fracture his skull if he hasn't. 1 Exerting all his strength, at this moment, my uncle wrenched the ill-looking man's sword from his grasp, and flung it clean out of the coach-window : upon which the younger gentleman vociferated ' Death and lightning ! 1 again, and laid his hand upon the hilt of his sword, in a very fierce manner, but didn't draw it. Perhaps, gentlemen, as my uncle used to say with a smile, perhaps he was afraid of alarming the lady. "'Now, gentlemen,' said my uncle, taking his seat deliberately, 'I don't want to have any death, with or without lightning, in a lady's presence, and we have had quite blood and thundering enough for one journey ; so, if you please, we'll sit in our places like quiet insides. Here, guard, pick up that gentleman's carving-knife. 1 COOLNESS OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE. 343 " As quickly as my uncle said the words, the guard appeared at the coach-window, with the gentleman's sword in his hand. He held up his lantern, and looked earnestly in my uncle's face, as he handed it in : when, by its light, my uncle saw, to his great surprise, that an immense crowd of mail-coach guards swarmed round the window, every one of whom had his eyes earnestly fixed upon him too. He had never seen such a sea of white faces, red bodies, and earnest eyes, in all his born days. " ' This is the strangest sort of thing I ever had anything to do with, 1 thought my uncle ; ' allow me to return you your hat, sir." 1 "'The ill-looking gentleman received his three-cornered hat in silence, looked at the hole in the middle with an inquiring air, and finally stuck it on the top of his wig with a solemnity the effect of which was a trifle impaired by his sneezing violently at the moment, and jerking it off again. " * All right ! ' cried the guard with the lantern, mounting into his little seat behind. Away they went. My uncle peeped out of the coach-window as they emerged from the yard, and observed that the other mails, with coachmen, guards, horses, and passengers, complete, were driving round and round in circles, at a slow trot of about five miles an hour. My uncle burnt with indignation, gentlemen. As a commercial man, he felt that the mail bags were not to be trifled with, and he resolved to memorialise the Post-office on the subject, the very instant he reached London. "At present, however, his thoughts were occupied with the young lady who sat in the farthest comer of the coach, with her face muffled closely in her hood ; the gentleman with the sky-blue coat sitting opposite to her; the other man in the plum-coloured suit, by her side ; and both watching her intently. If she so much as rustled the folds of her hood, he could hear the ill-looking man clap his hand upon his sword, and could tell by the other's breathing (it was so dark he couldn't see his face) that he was looking as big as if he were going to devour her at a mouthful. This roused my uncle more and 344 THE PICKWICK CLUB. more, and he resolved, come what come might, to see the end of it. He had a great admiration for bright eyes, and sweet faces, and pretty legs and feet ; in short, he was fond of the whole sex. It runs in our family, gentlemen so am I. ' Many were the devices which my uncle practised, to attract the lady's attention, or at all events, to engage the mysterious gentlemen in conversation. They were all in vain; the gentlemen wouldn't talk, and the lady didn't dare. He thrust his head out of the coach-window at intervals, and bawled out to know why they didn't go faster? But he called till he was hoarse; nobody paid the least attention to him. He leant back in the coach, and thought of the beautiful face, and the feet and legs. This answered better ; it whiled away the time, and kept him from wondering where he was going, and how it was that he found himself in such an odd situation. Not that this would have worried him much, any way he was a mighty free and easy, roving, devil-may-care sort of person, was my uncle, gentlemen. " All of a sudden the coach stopped. * Hallo ! ' said my uncle, 'What's in the wind now? 1 "'Alight here,' said the guard, letting down the steps. " * Here ! ' cried my uncle. "'Here,' rejoined the guard. " ' I'll do nothing of the sort,' said my uncle. '"Very well, then stop where you are,' said the guard. " ' I will,' said my uncle. " ' Do,' said the guard. "The other passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention, and, finding that my uncle was determined not to alight, the younger man squeezed past him, to hand the lady out. At this moment, the ill-looking man was inspecting the hole in the crown of his three-cornered hat. As the young lady brushed past, she dropped one of her gloves into my uncle's hand, and softly whispered, with her lips so close to his face that he felt her warm breath on his nose, the single word ' Help ! ' Gentlemen, my uncle leaped GHOSTLY TRAVELLING. 345 out of the coach at once, with such violence that it rocked on the springs again. " < Oh ! YouVe thought better of it, have you ? ' said the guard when he saw my uncle standing on the ground. " My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds, in some doubt whether it wouldn't be better to wrench his blunderbuss from him, fire it in the face of the man with the big sword, knock the rest of the company over the head with the stock, snatch up the young lady, and go off in the smoke. On second thoughts, however, he abandoned this plan, as being a shade too melodramatic in the execution, and followed the two mysterious men, who, keeping the lady between them, were now entering an old house in front of which the coach had stopped. They turned into the passage, and my uncle followed. " Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever beheld, this was the most so. It looked as if it had once been a large house of entertainment ; but the roof had fallen in, in many places, and the stairs were steep, rugged, and broken. There was a huge fire-place in the room into which they walked, and the chimney was blackened with smoke ; but no warm blaze lighted it up now. The white feathery dust of burnt wood was still strewed over the hearth, but the stove was cold, and all was dark and gloomy. "'Well, 1 said my uncle, as he looked about him, 'A mail travelling at the rate of six miles and a half an hour, and stopping for an indefinite time at such a hole as this, is rather an irregular sort of proceeding, I fancy. This shall be made known. I'll write to the papers."* " My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice, and in an open unreserved sort of manner, with the view of engaging the two strangers in conversation if he could. But, neither of them took any more notice of him than whispering to each other, and scowling at him as they did so. The lady was at the farther end of the room, and once she ventured to wave her hand, as if beseeching my uncle's assistance. 346 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "At length the two strangers advanced a little, and the conversation began in earnest. " ' You don't know this is a private room ; I suppose, fellow ? 1 said the gentleman in sky-blue. " ' No, I do not, fellow, 1 rejoined my uncle. ' Only if this is a private room specially ordered for the occasion, I should think the public room must be a "very comfortable one ; ' with this my uncle sat himself down in a high-backed chair, and took such an accurate measure of the gentleman, with his eyes, that Tiggin and Welps could have supplied him with printed calico for a suit, and not an inch too much or too little, from that estimate alone. " ' Quit this room/ said both the men together, grasping their swords. " ' Eh ? ' said my uncle, not at all appearing to comprehend their meaning. " ' Quit the room, or you are a dead man," 1 said the ill- looking fellow with the large sword, drawing it at the same time and flourishing it in the air. " ' Down with him ! ' cried the gentleman in sky-blue, drawing his sword also, and falling back two or three yards. * Down with him ! ' The lady gave a loud scream. "Now, my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness, and great presence of mind. All the time that he had appeared so indifferent to what was going on, he had been looking slyly about, for some missile or weapon of defence, and at the very instant when the swords were drawn, he espied, standing in the chimney corner, an old basket-hilted rapier in a rusty scabbard. At one bound, my uncle caught it in his hand, drew it, flourished it gallantly above his head, called aloud to the lady to keep out of the way, hurled the chair at the man in sky-blue, and the scabbard at the man in plum-colour, and taking advantage of the confusion, fell upon them both, pell-mell "Gentlemen, there is an old story none the worse for being true regarding a fine young Irish gentleman, who A NOISY COMBAT. 347 being asked if he could play the fiddle, replied he had no doubt he could, but he couldn't exactly say, for certain, because he had never tried. This is not inapplicable to my uncle and his fencing. He had never had a sword in his hand before, except once when he played Richard the Third at a private theatre : upon which occasion it was arranged with Richmond that he was to be run through, from behind, without showing fight at all. But here he was, cutting and slashing with two experienced swordsmen: thrusting and guarding and poking and slicing, and acquitting himself in the most manful and dexterous manner possible, although up to that time he had never been aware that he had the least notion of the science. It only shows how true the old saying is, that a man never knows what he can do, till he tries, gentlemen. " The noise of the combat was terrific ; each of the three combatants swearing like troopers, and their swords clashing with as much noise as if all the knives and steels in Newport market were rattling together, at the same time. When it was at its very height, the lady (to encourage my uncle most probably) withdrew her hood entirely from her face, and disclosed a countenance of such dazzling beauty, that he would have fought against fifty men, to win one smile from it, and die. He had done wonders before, but now he began to powder away like a raving mad giant. "At this very moment, the gentleman in sky-blue turning round, and seeing the young lady with her face uncovered, vented an exclamation of rage and jealousy, and, turning his weapon against her beautiful bosom, pointed a thrust at her heart, which caused my uncle to utter a cry of apprehension that made the building ring. The lady stepped lightly aside, and snatching the young man's sword from his hand, before he had recovered his balance, drove him to the wall, and running it through him, and the panelling, up to the very hilt, pinned him there, hard and fast. It was a splendid example. My uncle, with a loud shout of triumph, and a 348 THE PICKWICK CLUB. strength that was irresistible, made his adversary retreat in the same direction, and plunging the old rapier into the very centre of a large red flower in the pattern of his waistcoat, nailed him beside his friend ; there they both stood, gentlemen, jerking their arms and legs about, in agony, like the toy-shop figures that are moved by a piece of packthread. My uncle always said, afterwards, that this was one of the surest means he knew of, for disposing of an enemy ; but it was liable to one objection on the ground of expense, inasmuch as it involved the loss of a sword for every man disabled. " * The mail, the mail ! ' cried the lady, running up to my uncle and throwing her beautiful arms round his neck ; * we may yet escape.' "'May!" 1 cried my uncle; 'why, my dear, there's nobody else to kill, is there ? ' My uncle was rather disappointed, gentlemen, for he thought a little quiet bit of love-making would be agreeable after the slaughtering, if it were only to change the subject. "'We have not an instant to lose here,' said the young lady. ' He (pointing to the young gentleman in sky-blue) is the only son of the powerful Marquess of Filletoville.' " * Well, then, my dear, I'm afraid he'll never come to the title,' said my uncle, looking coolly at the young gentleman as he stood fixed up against the wall, in the cockchafer fashion I have described. You have cut off the entail, my love.' "'I have been torn from my home and friends by these villains,' said the young lady, her features glowing with indignation. 'That wretch would have married me by violence in another hour.' " ' Confound his impudence ! ' said my uncle, bestowing a very contemptuous look on the dying heir of Filletoville. " ' As you may guess from what you have seen,' said the young lady, 'the party were prepared to murder me if I appealed to any one for assistance. If their accomplices find us here, we are lost. Two minutes hence may be too late. The mail ! ' With these words, overpowered by her feelings, GALLANTRY OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE. 349 and the exertion of sticking the young Marquess of Filletoville, she sunk into my uncle's arms. My uncle caught her up, and bore her to the house-door. There stood the mail, with four long-tailed, flowing-maned, black horses, ready harnessed ; but no coachman, no guard, no hostler even, at the horses 1 heads. " Gentlemen, I hope I do no injustice to my uncle's memory, when I express my opinion, that although he was a bachelor, he had held some ladies in his arms, before this time ; I believe indeed, that he had rather a habit of kissing barmaids ; and I know, that in one or two instances, he had been seen by credible witnesses, to hug a landlady in a very perceptible manner. I mention the circumstance, to show what a very uncommon sort of person this beautiful young lady must have been, to have affected my uncle in the way she did; he used to say, that as her long dark hair trailed over his arm, and her beautiful dark eyes fixed themselves upon his face when she recovered, he felt so strange and nervous that his legs trembled beneath him. But, who can look in a sweet soft pair of dark eyes, without feeling queer? / can't, gentlemen. I am afraid to look at some eyes I know, and that's the truth of it. " ' You will never leave me,' murmured the young lady. "'Never,' said my uncle. And he meant it too. "'My dear preserver!' exclaimed the young lady. 'My dear, kind, brave preserver ! ' " ' Don't,' said my uncle, interrupting her. " ' Why ? ' inquired the young lady. "'Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak,' rejoined my uncle, 'that I'm afraid I shall be rude enough to kiss it.' "The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not to do so, and said no, she didn't say anything she smiled. When you are looking at a pair of the most delicious lips in the world, and see them gently break into a roguish smile if you are very near them, and nobody else 350 THE PICKWICK CLUB. by you cannot better testify your admiration of their beautiful form and colour than by kissing them at once. My uncle did so, and I honour him for it. "'Hark!' cried the young lady, starting. 'The noise of wheels and horses ! ' " ' So it is, 1 said my uncle, listening. He had a good ear for wheels, and the trampling of hoofs ; but there appeared to be so many horses and carriages rattling towards them, from a distance, that it was impossible to form a guess at their number. The sound was like that of fifty breaks, with six blood cattle in each " * We are pursued ! ' cried the young lady, clasping her hands. * We are pursued. I have no hope but in you ! ' "There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face, that my uncle made up his mind at once. He lifted her into the coach, told her not to be frightened, pressed his lips to hers once more, and then advising her to draw up the window to keep the cold air out, mounted to the box. " ' Stay, love, 1 cried the young lady. " ' What's the matter ? 1 said my uncle, from the coach-box. "'I want to speak to you, 1 said the young lady; 'only a word. Only one word, dearest. 1 "'Must I get down?' inquired my uncle. The lady made no answer, but she smiled again. Such a smile, gentlemen ! It beat the other one, all to nothing. My uncle descended from his perch in a twinkling. " ' What is it, my dear ? ' said my uncle, looking in at the coach window. The lady happened to bend forward at the same time, and my uncle thought she looked more beautiful than she had done yet. He was very close to her just then, gentlemen, so he really ought to know. " ' What is it, my dear ? ' said my uncle. " ' Will you never love any one but me ; never marry any one beside?' said the young lady. " My uncle swore a great oath that he never would marry any body else, and the young lady drew in her head, MAIL-COACH GHOSTS. 351 and pulled up the window. He jumped upon the box, squared his elbows, adjusted the ribands, seized the whip which lay on the roof, gave one flick to the off leader, and away went the four long-tailed flowing-maned black horses, at fifteen good English miles an hour, with the old mail coach behind them. Whew ! How they tore along ! "The noise behind grew louder. The faster the old mail went, the faster came the pursuers men, horses, dogs, were leagued in the pursuit. The noise was frightful, but, above all, rose the voice of the young lady, urging my uncle on, and shrieking, * Faster ! Faster ! ' "They whirled past the dark trees, as feathers would be swept before a hurricane. Houses, gates, churches, haystacks, objects of every kind they shot by, with a velocity and noise like roaring waters suddenly let loose. Still the noise of pursuit grew louder, and still my uncle could hear the young lady wildly screaming, ' Faster ! Faster ! ' " My uncle plied whip and rein, and the horses flew onward till they were white with foam ; and yet the noise behind increased ; and yet the young lady cried ' Faster ! Faster ! ' My uncle gave a loud stamp on the boot in the energy of the moment, and found that it was grey morning, and he was sitting in the wheel Wright's yard, on the box of an old Edinburgh mail, shivering with the cold and wet and stamping his feet to warm them ! He got down, and looked eagerly inside for the beautiful young lady. Alas! There was neither door nor seat to the coach. It was a mere shell. " Of course, my uncle knew very well that there was some mystery in the matter, and that everything had passed exactly as he used to relate it. He remained staunch to the great oath he had sworn to the beautiful young lady : refusing several eligible landladies on her account, and dying a bachelor at last. He always said, what a curious thing it was that he should have found out, by such a mere accident as his clambering over the palings, that the ghosts of mail-coaches and horses, guards, coachmen, and passengers, were in the 352 THE PICKWICK CLUB. habit of making journeys regularly every night. He used to add, that he believed he was the only living person who had ever been taken as a passenger on one of these excursions. And I think he was right, gentlemen at least I never heard of any other." " I wonder what these ghosts of mail-coaches carry in their bags,' 1 said the landlord, who had listened to the whole story with profound attention. " The dead letters, of course," said the Bagman. " Oh, ah ! To be sure, 11 rejoined the landlord. " I never thought of that. 11 CHAPTER L. HOW MR. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY. THE horses were put to, punctually at a quarter before nine next morning, and Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller having each taken his seat, the one inside and the other out, the postillion was duly directed to repair in the first instance to Mr. Bob Sawyer's house, for the purpose of taking up Mr. Benjamin Allen. It was with feelings of no small astonishment, when the carriage drew up before the door with the red lamp, and the very legible inscription of "Sawyer, late Nockemorf," that Mr. Pickwick saw, on popping his head out of the coach- window, the boy in the grey livery very busily employed in putting up the shutters : the which, being an unusual and an un-business-like proceeding at that hour of the morning, at once suggested to his mind, two inferences ; the one, that some good friend and patient of Mr. Bob Sawyer's was dead ; the other, that Mr. Bob Sawyer himself was bankrupt. "What is the matter? 11 said Mr. Pickwick to the boy. "Nothing's the matter, sir, 11 replied the boy, expanding his mouth to the whole breadth of his countenance. " All right, all right ! " cried Bob Sawyer suddenly appear- ing at the door, with a small leathern knapsack, limp and 354 THE PICKWICK CLUB. dirty, in one hand, and a rough coat and shawl thrown over the other arm. " I'm going, old fellow." " You ! " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. "Yes," replied Bob Sawyer, "and a regular expedition we'll make of it. Here, Sam! Look out!" Thus briefly bespeaking Mr. Weller's attention, Mr. Bob Sawyer jerked the leathern knapsack into the dickey, where it was imme- diately stowed away, under the seat, by Sam, who regarded the proceeding with great admiration. This done, Mr. Bob Sawyer, with the assistance of the boy, forcibly worked him- self into the rough coat, which was a few sizes too small for him, and then advancing to the coach window, thrust in his head, and laughed boisterously. " What a start it is, isn't it ! " cried Bob, wiping the tears out of his eyes, with one of the cuffs of the rough coat. " My dear sir," said Mr. Pickwick, with some embarrassment, " I had no idea of your accompanying us." " No, that's just the very thing," replied Bob, seizing Mr. Pickwick by the lappel of his coat. " That's the joke." " Oh, that's the joke ? " said Mr. Pickwick. Of course," replied Bob. " It's the whole point of the thing, you know that, and leaving the business to take care of itself, as it seems to have made up its mind not to take care of me." With this explanation of the phenomenon of the shutters, Mr. Bob Sawyer pointed to the shop, and relapsed into an ecstasy of mirth. "Bless me, you are surely not mad enough to think of leaving your patients Avithout anybody to attend them ! " remonstrated Mr. Pickwick in a very serious tone. "Why not?" asked Bob, in reply. "I shall save by it, you know. None of them ever pay. Besides," said Bob, lowering his voice to a confidential whisper, " they will be all the better for it ; for, being nearly out of drugs, and not able to increase my account just now, I should have been obliged to give them calomel all round, and it would have been certain to have disagreed with some of them. So it's all for the best." A VOLUNTEER. 355 There was a philosophy, and a strength of reasoning, about this reply, which Mr. Pickwick was not prepared for. He paused a few moments, and added, less firmly than before : "But this chaise, my young friend, will only hold two; and I am pledged to Mr. Allen." "Don't think of me for a minute," replied Bob. "I've arranged it all ; Sam and I will share the dickey between us. Look here. This little bill is to be wafered on the shop door: * Sawyer, late Nockemorf. Enquire of Mrs. Cripps over the way. 1 Mrs. Cripps is my boy's mother. 'Mr. Sawyer's very sorry,' says Mrs. Cripps, 'couldn't help it- fetched away early this morning to a consultation of the very first surgeons in the country couldn't do without him would have him at any price tremendous operation.' The fact is," said Bob in conclusion, " it'll do me more good than otherwise, I expect. If it gets into one of the local papers, it will be the making of me. Here's Ben ; now then, jump in ! " With these hurried words, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed the post- boy on one side, jerked his friend into the vehicle, slammed the door, put up the steps, wafered the bill on the street door, locked it, put the key in his pocket, jumped into the dickey, gave the word for starting, and did the whole with such extraordinary precipitation, that before Mr. Pickwick had well began to consider whether Mr. Bob Sawyer ought to go or not, they were rolling away, with Mr. Bob Sawyer thoroughly established as part and parcel of the equipage. ' So long as their progress was confined to the streets of Bristol, the facetious Bob kept his professional green spectacles on, and conducted himself with becoming steadiness and gravity of demeanour ; merely giving utterance to divers verbal witticisms for the exclusive behoof and entertainment of Mr. Samuel Weller. But when they emerged on the open road, he threw off his green spectacles and his gravity together, and performed a great variety of practical jokes, which were calculated to attract the attention of the passers-by, and to render the carriage and those it contained, objects of more 356 THE PICKWICK CLUB. than ordinary curiosity ; the least conspicuous among these feats, being, a most vociferous imitation of a key-bugle, and the ostentatious display of a crimson silk pocket-handkerchief attached to a walking-stick, which was occasionally waved in the air with various gestures indicative of supremacy and defiance. "I wonder," said Mr. Pickwick, stopping in the midst of a most sedate conversation with Ben Allen, bearing reference to the numerous good qualities of Mr. Winkle and his sister : " I wonder what all the people we pass, can see in us to make them stare so. 11 "It's a neat turn-out," replied Ben Allen, with something of pride in his tone. " They're not used to see this sort of thing, every day, I dare say."" "Possibly," replied Mr. Pickwick. "It may be so. Per- haps it is. 1 ' Mr. Pickwick might very probably have reasoned himself into the belief that it really was : had he not, just then happening to look out of the coach window, observed that the looks of the passengers betokened anything but respectful astonishment, and that various telegraphic communications appeared to be passing between them and some persons out- side the vehicle : whereupon it occurred to him that these demonstrations might be, in some remote degree, referable to the humorous deportment of Mr. Robert Sawyer. " I hope," said Mr. Pickwick, " that our volatile friend is committing no absurdities in that dickey behind." "Oh dear, no," replied Ben Allen. "Except when he's elevated, Bob's the quietest creature breathing." Here a prolonged imitation of a key -bugle broke upon the ear, succeeded by cheers and screams, all of which evidently proceeded from the throat and lungs of the quietest creature breathing, or in plainer designation, of Mr. Bob Sawyer himself. Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen looked expressively at each other, and the former gentleman taking off his hat, and DEMONSTRATIONS OUTSIDE. 357 leaning out of the coach-window until nearly the whole of his waistcoat was outside it, was at length enabled to catch a glimpse of his facetious friend. Mr. Bob Sawyer was seated : not in the dickey, but on the roof of the chaise, with his legs as far asunder as they would conveniently go, wearing Mr. Samuel Welter's hat on one side of his head, and bearing, in one hand, a most enormous sand- wich, while, in the other, he supported a goodly-sized case bottle, to both of which he applied himself with intense relish : varying the monotony of the occupation by an occasional howl, or the interchange of some lively badinage with any passing stranger. The crimson flag was carefully tied in an erect position to the rail of the dickey ; and Mr. Samuel Weller, decorated with Bob Sawyer's hat, was seated in the centre thereof, discussing a twin sandwich, with an animated counte- nance, the expression of which betokened his entire and perfect approval of the whole arrangement. This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr. Pickwick's sense of propriety, but it was not the whole extent of the aggravation, for a stage-coach full, inside and out, was meeting them at the moment, and the astonishment of the passengers was very palpably evinced. The congratulations of an Irish family, too, who were keeping up with the chaise, and begging all the time, were of rather a boisterous description ; especially those of its male head, who appeared to consider the display as part and parcel of some political, or other procession of triumph. "Mr. Sawyer!" cried Mr. Pickwick, in a state of great excitement. "Mr. Sawyer, sir!" " Hallo ! " responded that gentleman, looking over the side of the chaise with all the coolness in life. "Are you mad, sir?" demanded Mr. Pickwick. Not a bit of it," replied Bob ; " only cheerful." "Cheerful, sir!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. "Take down that scandalous red handkerchief, I beg. I insist, sir. Sam, take it down." 358 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Before Sam could interpose, Mr. Bob Sawyer gracefully struck his colours, and having put them in his pocket, nodded in a courteous manner to Mr. Pickwick, wiped the mouth of the case-bottle, and applied it to his own ; thereby informing him, without any unnecessary waste of words, that he devoted that draught to wishing him all manner of happiness and prosperity. Having done this, Bob replaced the cork with great care, and looking benignantly down on Mr. Pickwick, took a large bite out of the sandwich, and smiled. " Come, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, whose momentary anger was not quite proof against Soft's immovable self-possession, " pray let us have no more of this absurdity."" "No, no, 11 replied Bob, once more exchanging hats with Mr. Weller ; " I didn't mean to do it, only I got so enlivened with the ride that I couldn't help it" " Think of the look of the thing," expostulated Mr. Pick- wick ; " have some regard to appearances. 11 " Oh, certainly, 11 said Bob, " it's not the sort of thing at all. All over, governor."" Satisfied with this assurance, Mr. Pickwick once more drew his head into the chaise and pulled up the glass ; but he had scarcely resumed the conversation which Mr. Bob Sawyer had interrupted, when he was somewhat startled by the apparition of a small dark body, of an oblong form, on the outside of the window, which gave sundry taps against it, as if impatient of admission. " Whafs this ? " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. " It looks like a case-bottle ; " remarked Ben Allen, eyeing the object in question through his spectacles with some interest ; " I rather think it belongs to Bob. 11 The impression was perfectly accurate ; for Mr. Bob Sawyer having attached the case-bottle to the end of the walking-stick, was battering the window with it, in token of his wish that his friends inside would partake of its contents, in all good fellowship and harmony. "What's to be done?" said Mr. Pickwick, looking at MILK-PUNCH. 359 the bottle. "This proceeding is more absurd than the other." " I think it would be best to take it in," replied Mr. Ben Allen ; " it would serve him right to take it in and keep it, wouldn't it?" "It would," said Mr. Pickwick: "shall I?" " I think it the most proper course we could possibly adopt," replied Ben. This advice quite coinciding with his own opinion, Mr. Pickwick gently let down the window and disengaged the bottle from the stick : upon which the latter was drawn up, and Mr. Bob Sawyer was heard to laugh heartily. "What a merry dog it is!" said Mr. Pickwick, looking round at his companion with the bottle in his hand. " He is," said Mr. Allen. "You cannot possibly be angry with him," remarked Mr. Pickwick. " Quite out of the question, 1 * observed Benjamin Allen. During this short interchange of sentiments, Mr. Pickwick had, in an abstracted mood, uncorked the bottle. " What is it ? " inquired Ben Allen, carelessly. " I don't know," replied Mr. Pickwick, with equal careless- ness. " It smells, I think, like milk-punch." "Oh, indeed?" said Ben. " I think so," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, very properly guarding himself against the possibility of stating an untruth : " mind, I could not undertake to say certainly, without tasting it." " You had better do so," said Ben ; " we may as well know what it is." " Do you think so ? " replied Mr. Pickwick. " Well ; if you are curious to know, of course I have no objection." Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the wishes of his friend, Mr. Pickwick at once took a pretty long taste. " What is it ? " inquired Ben Allen, interrupting him with some impatience. " Curious," said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips, " I hardly 360 THE PICKWICK CLUB. know, now. Oh, yes ! " said Mr. Pickwick, after a second taste. " It is punch." Mr. Ben Allen looked at Mr. Pickwick ; Mr. Pickwick looked at Mr. Ben Allen ; Mr. Ben Allen smiled ; Mr. Pickwick did not. " It would serve him right,"" said the last-named gentleman, with some severity, "it would serve him right to drink it every drop. 1 "The very thing that occurred to me, 11 said Ben Allen. 1 "Is it indeed?"" rejoined Mr. Pickwick. "Then here's his health ! " With these words, that excellent person took a most energetic pull at the bottle, and handed it to Ben Allen, who was not slow to imitate his example. The smiles became mutual, and the milk-punch was gradually and cheer- fully disposed of. "After all, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, as he drained the last drop, "his pranks are really very amusing; very entertaining indeed. 11 "You may say that, 11 rejoined Mr. Ben Allen. In proof of Bob Sawyer's being one of the funniest fellows alive, he proceeded to entertain Mr. Pickwick with a long and circum- stantial account how that gentleman once drank himself into a fever and got his head shaved ; the relation of which pleasant and agreeable history was only stopped by the stoppage of the chaise at the Bell at Berkeley Heath, to change horses. " I say ! WeVe going to dine here, aren't we ? " said Bob, looking in at the window. " Dine ! " said Mr. Pickwick. " "Why, we have only come nineteen miles, and have eighty-seven and a half to go. 11 "Just the reason why we should take something to enable us to bear up against the fatigue, 11 remonstrated Mr. Bob Sawyer. Oh, it's quite impossible to dine at half-past eleven o'clock in the day, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick, looking at his watch. " So it is, 11 rejoined Bob, " lunch is the very thing. Hallo, you sir ! Lunch for three, directly, and keep the horses back REFRESHMENTS BY THE WAY. 361 for a quarter of an hour. Tell them to put everything they have cold, on the table, and some bottled ale, and let us taste your very best Madeira."" Issuing these orders with monstrous importance and bustle, Mr. Bob Sawyer at once hurried into the house to superintend the arrangements ; in less than five minutes he returned and declared them to be excellent. The quality of the lunch fully justified the eulogium which Bob had pronounced, and very great justice was done to it, not only by that gentleman, but Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Pickwick also. Under the auspices of the three, the bottled ale and the Madeira were promptly disposed of; and when (the horses being once more put to) they resumed their seats, with the case-bottle full of the best substitute for milk-punch that could be procured on so short a notice, the key-bugle sounded, and the red flag waved, without the slightest oppo- sition on Mr. Pickwick's part. At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury, they stopped to dine; upon which occasion there was more bottled ale, with some more Madeira, and some Port besides ; and here the case-bottle was replenished for the fourth time. Under the influence of these combined stimulants, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen fell fast asleep for thirty miles, while Bob and Mr. Weller sang duets in the dickey. It was quite dark when Mr. Pickwick roused himself sufficiently to look out of window. The straggling cottages by the road-side, the dingy hue of every object visible, the murky atmosphere, the paths of cinders and brick-dust, the deep-red glow of furnace fires in the distance, the volumes of dense smoke issuing heavily forth from high toppling chimneys, blackening and obscuring everything around ; the glare of distant lights, the ponderous waggons which toiled along the road, laden with clashing rods of iron, or piled with heavy goods all betokened their rapid approach to the great working town of Birmingham. As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares leading to the heart of the turmoil, the sights and sounds of earnest 362 THE PICKWICK CLUB. occupation struck more forcibly on the senses. The streets were thronged with working-people. The hum of labour resounded from every house, lights gleamed from the long casement windows in the attic stories, and the whirl of wheels and noise of machinery shook the trembling walls. The fires, whose lurid sullen light had been visible for miles, blazed fiercely up, in the great works and factories of the town. The din of hammers, the rushing of steam, and the dead heavy clanking of engines, was the harsh music which arose from every quarter. The postboy was driving briskly through the open streets, and past the handsome and well-lighted shops which intervene between the outskirts of the town and the Old Royal Hotel, before Mr. Pickwick had begun to consider the very difficult and delicate nature of the commission which had carried him thither. The delicate nature of this commission, and the difficulty of executing it in a satisfactory manner, were by no means lessened by the voluntary companionship of Mr. Bob Sawyer. Truth to tell, Mr. Pickwick felt that his presence on the occasion, however considerate and gratifying, was by no means an honour he would willingly have sought; in fact, he would cheerfully have given a reasonable sum of money to have had Mr. Bob Sawyer removed to any place at not less than fifty miles 1 distance, without delay. Mr. Pickwick had never held any personal communication with Mr. Winkle, senior, although he had once or twice corresponded with him by letter, and returned satisfactory answers to his inquiries concerning the moral character and behaviour of his son ; he felt nervously sensible that to wait upon him, for the first time, attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen, both slightly fuddled, was not the most ingenious and likely means that could have been hit upon to prepossess him in his favour. " However," said Mr. Pickwick, endeavouring to re-assure himself, " I must do the best I can. I must see him to-night, AT THE OLD ROYAL. 363 for I faithfully promised to do so. If they persist in accom- panying me, I must make the interview as brief as possible, and be content to hope that, for their own sakes, they will not expose themselves." As he comforted himself with these reflections, the chaise stopped at the door of the Old Royal. Ben Allen having been partially awakened from a stupendous sleep, and dragged out by the collar by Mr. Samuel Weller, Mr. Pick- wick was enabled to alight They were shown to a comfort- able apartment, and Mr. Pickwick at once propounded a question to the waiter concerning the whereabout of Mr. Winkle's residence. "Close by, sir," said the waiter, "not above five hundred yards, sir. Mr. Winkle is a wharfinger, sir, at the canal, sir. Private residence is not oh dear no, sir, not five hundred yards, sir." Here the waiter blew a candle out, and made a feint of lighting it again, in order to afford Mr. Pickwick an opportunity of asking any further questions, if he felt so disposed. "Take anything now, sir?" said the waiter, lighting the candle in desperation at Mr. Pickwick's silence. "Tea or coffee, sir? Dinner, sir?" " Nothing now." "Very good, sir. Like to order supper, sir?" " Not just now." " Very good, sir." Here, he walked softly to the door, and then stopping short, turned round, and said, with great suavity : " Shall I send the chambermaid, gentlemen ? " " You may if you please ; " replied Mr. Pickwick. "If you please, sir." " And bring some soda water," said Bob Sawyer. " Soda water, sir ? Yes, sir." With his mind apparently relieved from an overwhelming weight, by having at last got an order for something, the waiter imperceptibly melted away. Waiters never walk or run. They have a peculiar 364 THE PICKWICK CLUB. and mysterious power of skimming out of rooms, which other mortals possess not. Some slight symptoms of vitality having been awakened in Mr. Ben Allen by the soda water, he suffered himself to be prevailed upon to wash his face and hands, and to submit to be brushed by Sam. Mr. Pickwick and Bob Sawyer having also repaired the disorder which the journey had made in their apparel, the three started forth, arm in arm, to Mr. Winkle's ; Bob Sawyer impregnating the atmosphere with tobacco smoke as he walked along. About a quarter of a mile off, in a quiet, substantial- looking street, stood an old red-brick house with three steps before the door, and a brass plate upon it, bearing, in fat Roman capitals, the words, "Mr. Winkle. 11 The steps were very white, and the bricks were very red, and the house was very clean ; and here stood Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Benjamin Allen, and Mr. Bob Sawyer, as the clock struck ten. A smart servant girl answered the knock, and started on beholding the three strangers. " Is Mr. Winkle at home, my dear ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " He is just going to supper, sir, 11 replied the girl. " Give him that card if you please, 11 rejoined Mr. Pickwick. "Say I am sorry to trouble him at so late an hour; but I am anxious to see him to-night, and have only just arrived." The girl looked timidly at Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was ex- pressing his admiration of her personal charms by a variety of wonderful grimaces; and casting an eye at the hats and great coats which hung in the passage, called another girl to mind the door while she went up stairs. The sentinel was speedily relieved ; for the girl returned immediately, and begging pardon of the gentlemen for leaving them in the street, ushered them into a floor-clothed back parlour, half office and half dressing-room, in which the principal useful and ornamental articles of furniture, were a desk, a wash-hand stand and shaving glass, a boot-rack and boot-jack, a high stool, four chairs, a table, and an old eight-day clock. Over THE PATERNAL WINKLE. 365 the mantel-piece were the sunken doors of an iron safe, while a couple of hanging shelves for books, an almanack, and several files of dusty papers, decorated the walls. "Very sorry to leave you standing at the door, sir, 11 said the girl, lighting a lamp, and addressing Mr. Pickwick with a winning smile, "but you was quite strangers to me; and we have such a many trampers that only come to see what they can lay their hands on, that really " There is not the least occasion for any apology, my dear, 11 said Mr. Pickwick good humouredly. " Not the slightest, my love, 11 said Bob Sawyer, playfully stretching forth his arms, and skipping from side to side, as if to prevent the young lady's leaving the room. The young lady was not at all softened by these allurements, for she at once expressed her opinion that Mr. Bob Sawyer was an " odous creetur ; " and, on his becoming rather more pressing in his attentions, imprinted her fair fingers upon his face, and bounced out of the room with many expressions of aversion and contempt. Deprived of the young lady^ society, Mr. Bob Sawyer proceeded to divert himself by peeping into the desk, looking into all the table-drawers, feigning to pick the lock of the iron safe, turning the almanack with its face to the wall, trying on the boots of Mr. Winkle, senior, over his own, and making several other humorous experiments upon the furniture, all of which afforded Mr. Pickwick unspeakable horror and agony, and yielded Mr. Bob Sawyer proportionate delight. At length the door opened, and a little old gentleman in a snuff-coloured suit, with a head and face the precise counter- part of those belonging to Mr. Winkle, junior, excepting that he was rather bald, trotted into the room with Mr. Pickwick's card in one hand, and a silver candlestick in the other. " Mr. Pickwick, sir, how do you do ? 11 said Winkle the elder, putting down the candlestick and proffering his hand. " Hope I see you well, sir. Glad to see you. Be seated, Mr. Pickwick, I beg, sir. This gentleman is " 366 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "My friend, Mr. Sawyer," interposed Mr. Pickwick, "your son's friend." " Oh," said Mr. Winkle the elder, looking rather grimly at Bob. " I hope you are well, sir." "Right as a trivet, sir," replied Bob Sawyer. " This other gentleman," cried Mr. Pickwick, " is, as you will see, when you have read the letter with which I am entrusted, a very near relative, or I should rather say a very particular friend of your son's. His name is Allen." " That gentleman ? " inquired Mr. Winkle, pointing with the card towards Ben Allen, who had fallen asleep in an attitude which left nothing of him visible but his spine and his coat collar. Mr. Pickwick was on the point of replying to the question, and reciting Mr. Benjamin Allen's name and honourable dis- tinctions at full length, when the sprightly Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a view of rousing his friend to a sense of his situation, inflicted a startling pinch upon the fleshy part of his arm, which caused him to jump up with a shriek. Suddenly aware that he was in the presence of a stranger, Mr. Ben Allen advanced, and, shaking Mr. Winkle most affectionately by both hands for about five minutes, murmured, in some half- intelligible fragments of sentences, the great delight he felt in seeing him, and a hospitable inquiry whether he felt disposed to take anything after his walk, or would prefer waiting " till dinner-time ; " which done, he sat down and gazed about him with a petrified stare, as if he had not the remotest idea where he was, which indeed he had not. All this was most embarrassing to Mr. Pickwick, the more especially as Mr. Winkle, senior, evinced palpable astonish- ment at the eccentric not to say extraordinary behaviour of his two companions. To bring the matter to an issue at once, he drew a letter from his pocket, and presenting it to Mr. Winkle, senior, said : "This letter, sir, is from your son. You will see, by its contents, that on your favourable and fatherly consideration CONFUSION OF MR. BOB SAWYER 367 of it, depend his future happiness and welfare. Will you oblige me by giving it the calmest and coolest perusal, and by discussing the subject afterwards, with me, in the tone and spirit in which alone it ought to be discussed? You may judge of the importance of your decision to your son, and his intense anxiety upon the subject, by my waiting upon you, without any previous warning, at so late an hour ; and,"" added Mr. Pickwick, glancing slightly at his two companions, "and under such unfavourable circumstances."" With this prelude, Mr. Pickwick placed four closely written sides of extra superfine wire-wove penitence in the hands of the astounded Mr. Winkle, senior. Then reseating himself in his chair, he watched his looks and manner: anxiously, it is true, but with the open front of a gentleman who feels he has taken no part which he need excuse or palliate. The old wharfinger turned the letter over; looked at the front, back, and sides; made a microscopic examination of the fat little boy on the seal ; raised his eyes to Mr. Pick- wick's face ; and then, seating himself on the high stool, and drawing the lamp closer to him, broke the wax, unfolded the epistle, and lifting it to the light, prepared to read. Just at this moment, Mr. Bob Sawyer, whose wit had lain dormant for some minutes, placed his hands upon his knees, and made a face after the portraits of the late Mr. Grimaldi, as clown. It so happened that Mr. Winkle, senior, instead of being deeply engaged in reading the letter, as Mr. Bob Sawyer thought, chanced to be looking over the top of it at no less a person than Mr. Bob Sawyer himself; rightly conjecturing that the face aforesaid was made in ridicule and derision of his own person, he fixed his eyes on Bob with such expressive sternness, that the late Mr. Grimaldi's linea- ments gradually resolved themselves into a very fine expression of humility and confusion. " Did you speak, sir ? " inquired Mr. Winkle, senior, after an awful silence. "No, sir," replied Bob, with no remains of the clown 368 THE PICKWICK CLUB. about him, save and except the extreme redness of his cheeks. " You are sure you did not, sir ? " said Mr. Winkle, senior. " Oh dear, yes, sir, quite," replied Bob. "I thought you did, sir," rejoined the old gentleman, with indignant emphasis. "Perhaps you looked at me, sir?" " Oh, no ! sir, not at all," replied Bob, with extreme civility. "I am very glad to hear it, sir," said Mr. Winkle, senior. Having frowned upon the abashed Bob with great magnifi- cence, the old gentleman again brought the letter to the light, and began to read it seriously. Mr. Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from the bottom line of the first page to the top line of the second, and from the bottom of the second to the top of the third, and from the bottom of the third to the top of the fourth ; but not the slightest alteration of countenance afforded a clue to the feelings with which he received the announcement of his son's marriage, which Mr. Pickwick knew was in the very first half-dozen lines. He read the letter to the last word ; folded it again with all the carefulness and precision of a man of business; and, just when Mr. Pickwick expected some great outbreak of feeling, dipped a pen in the inkstand, and said as quietly as if he were speaking on the most ordinary counting-house topic : "What is Nathaniel's address, Mr. Pickwick?" " The George and Vulture, at present," replied that gentle- man. " George and Vulture. Where is that ? " " George Yard, Lombard Street." "In the City?" "Yes." The old gentleman methodically indorsed the address on the back of the letter ; and then, placing it in the desk, which he locked, said as he got off the stool and put the bunch of keys in his pocket: A MAN OF BUSINESS. 369 " I suppose there is nothing else which need detain us, Mr. Pickwick? 11 " Nothing else, my dear sir ! " observed that warm-hearted person in indignant amazement. " Nothing else ! Have you no opinion to express on this momentous event in our young friend's life? No assurance to convey to him, through me, of the continuance of your affection and protection ? Nothing to say which will cheer and sustain him, and the anxious girl who looks to him for comfort and support ? My dear sir, consider. 11 "I will consider, 11 replied the old gentleman. "I have nothing to say just now. I am a man of business, Mr. Pickwick. I never commit myself hastily in any affair, and from what I see of this, I by no means like the appearance of it. A thousand pounds is not much, Mr. Pickwick. 11 " You're very right, sir, 11 interposed Ben Allen, just awake enough to know that he had spent his thousand pounds without the smallest difficulty. " YouVe an intelligent man. Bob, he's a very knowing fellow this. 11 " I am very happy to find that you do me the justice to make the admission, sir, 11 said Mr. Winkle, senior, looking contemptuously at Ben Allen, who was shaking his head profoundly. "The fact is, Mr. Pickwick, that when I gave my son a roving license for a year or so, to see something of men and manners (which he has done under your auspices), so that he might not enter into life a mere boarding-school milk-sop to be gulled by everybody, I never bargained for this. He knows that, very well, so if I withdraw my coun- tenance from him on this account, he has no call to be surprised. He shall hear from me, Mr. Pickwick. Good night, sir. Margaret, open the door. 11 All this time, Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr. Ben Allen to say something on the right side; Ben accordingly now burst, without the slightest preliminary notice, into a brief but impassioned piece of eloquence. " Sir, 11 said Mr. Ben Allen, staring at the old gentleman, VOL. II. 2 B 370 THE PICKWICK CLUB. out of a pair of very dim and languid eyes, and working his right arm vehemently up and down, "you you ought to be ashamed of yourself. 1 ' "As the lady's brother, of course you are an excellent judge of the question," retorted Mr. Winkle, senior. " There ; that's enough. Pray say no more, Mr. Pickwick. Good night, gentlemen ! " With these words the old gentleman took up the candlestick, and opening the room door, politely motioned towards the passage. " You will regret this, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, setting his teeth close together to keep down his choler; for he felt how important the effect might prove to his young friend. " I am at present of a different opinion," calmly replied Mr. Winkle, senior. " Once again, gentlemen, I wish you a good night." Mr. Pickwick walked, with angry strides, into the street. Mr. Bob Sawyer, completely quelled by the decision of the old gentleman's manner, took the same course. Mr. Ben Allen's hat rolled down the steps immediately afterwards, and Mr. Ben Allen's body followed it directly. The whole party went silent and supperless to bed ; and Mr. Pickwick thought, just before he fell asleep, that if he had known Mr. Winkle, senior, had been quite so much of a man of business, it was extremely probable he might never have waited upon him, on such an errand. CHAPTER LI. IN WHICH MR. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AX OLD ACQUAINTANCE. TO WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR MATTER OF THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SET DOWN, CONCERNING TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF MIGHT AND POWER. THE morning which broke upon Mr. Pickwick's sight, at eight o'clock, was not at all calculated to elevate his spirits, or to lessen the depression which the unlooked-for result of his embassy inspired. The sky was dark and gloomy, the air was damp and raw, the streets were wet and sloppy. The smoke hung sluggishly above the chimney-tops as if it lacked the courage to rise, and the rain came slowly and doggedly down, as if it had not even the spirit to pour. A game-cock in the stable-yard, deprived of every spark of his accustomed animation, balanced himself dismally on one leg in a corner; a donkey, moping with drooping head under the narrow roof of an outhouse, appeared from his meditative and miserable countenance to be contemplating suicide. In the street, umbrellas were the only things to be seen, and the clicking of pattens and splashing of rain -drops, were the only sounds to be heard. The breakfast was interrupted by very little conversation ; even Mr. Bob Sawyer felt the influence of the weather, and the previous day's excitement. In his own expressive language he was " floored." So was Mr. Ben Allen, So AVOS Mr. Pickwick. 372 THE PICKWICK CLUB. In protracted expectation of the weather clearing up, the last evening paper from London was read and re-read with an intensity of interest only known in cases of extreme desti- tution ; every inch of the carpet was walked over, with similar perseverance; the windows were looked out of, often enough to justify the imposition of an additional duty upon them ; all kinds of topics of conversation were started, and failed ; and at length Mr. Pickwick, when noon had arrived, without a change for the better, rang the bell resolutely and ordered out the chaise. Although the roads were miry, and the drizzling rain came down harder than it had done yet, and although the mud and wet splashed in at the open windows of the carriage to such an extent that the discomfort was almost as great to the pair of insides as to the pair of outsides, still there was something in the motion, and the sense of being up and doing, which was so infinitely superior to being pent in a dull room, looking at the dull rain dripping into a dull street, that they all agreed, on starting, that the change was a great improve- ment, and wondered how they could possibly have delayed making it, as long as they had done. When they stopped to change at Coventry, the steam ascended from the horses in such clouds as wholly to obscure the hostler, whose voice was however heard to declare from the mist, that he expected the first Gold Medal from the Humane Society on their next distribution of rewards, for taking the postboy's hat off; the water descending from the brim of which, the invisible gentleman declared must inevitably have drowned him (the postboy), but for his great presence of mind in tearing it promptly from his head, and drying the gasping man's countenance with a wisp of straw. "This is pleasant," said Bob Sawyer, turning up his coat collar, and pulling the shawl over his mouth to concentrate the fumes of a glass of brandy just swallowed. "Wery," replied Sam, composedly. "You don't seem to mind it," observed Bob. CONCERNING POSTBOYS AND DONKEYS. 373 " Vy, I don't exactly see no good my mindin' on it 'ud do, sir," replied Sam. " Thai's an unanswerable reason, anyhow," said Bob. "Yes, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller. "Wotever is, is right, as the young nobleman sveetly remarked wen they put him down in the pension list 'cos his mother's uncle's vife's grand- father vunce lit the king's pipe vith a portable tinder-box." "Not a bad notion that, Sam," said Mr. Bob Sawyer approvingly. "Just wot the young nobleman said ev'ry quarter-day arterwards for the rest of his life," replied Mr. Weller. "Wos you ever called in," inquired Sam, glancing at the driver, after a short silence, and lowering his voice to a mysterious whisper: "wos you ever called in, ven you wos 'prentice to a sawbones, to wisit a postboy?" "I don't remember that I ever was," replied Bob Sawyer. "You never see a postboy in that 'ere hospital as you walked (as they says o' the ghosts), did you ? " demanded Sam. ' No," replied Bob Sawyer. " I don't think I ever did." "Never know'd a churchyard were there wos a postboy's tombstone, or see a dead postboy, did you?" inquired Sam, pursuing his catechism. " No," rejoined Bob, " I never did." "No!" rejoined Sam, triumphantly. "Nor never vill ; and there's another thing that no man never see, and that's a dead donkey. No man never see a dead donkey, 'cept the gen'l'm'n in the black silk smalls as know'd the young 'ooman as kep a goat ; and that wos a French donkey, so wery likely he warn't wun o' the reg'lar breed." " Well, what has that got to do with the postboys ?" asked Bob Sawyer. "This here," replied Sam. "Without goin 1 so far as to as-sert, as some wery sensible people do, that postboys and donkeys is both immortal, wot I say is this; that wenever they feels theirselves gettin' stiff and past their work, they 374 THE PICKWICK CLUB. just rides off together, wun postboy to a pair in the usual way ; wot becomes on 'em nobody knows, but it's wery pro- bable as they starts avay to take their pleasure in some other vorld, for there ain't a man alive as ever see, either a donkey or a postboy, a takin' his pleasure in this ! " Expatiating upon this learned and remarkable theory, and citing many curious statistical and other facts in its support, Sam Weller beguiled the time until they reached Dunchurch, where a dry postboy and fresh horses were procured ; the next stage was Daventry, and the next Towcester; and at the end of each stage it rained harder than it had done at the beginning. " I say," remonstrated Bob Sawyer, looking in at the coach window, as they pulled up before the door of the Saracen's Head, Towcester, " this won't do, you know." " Bless me ! " said Mr. Pickwick, just awaking from a nap, "I'm afraid you're wet." "Oh you are, are you?" returned Bob. "Yes, I am, a little that way. Uncomfortably damp, perhaps." Bob did look dampish, inasmuch as the rain was streaming from his neck, elbows, cuffs, skirts, and knees ; and his whole apparel shone so with the wet, that it might have been mistaken for a full suit of prepared oilskin. " I am rather wet," said Bob, giving himself a shake, and casting a little hydraulic shower around, like a Newfoundland dog just emerged from the water. " I think it's quite impossible to go on to-night," interposed Ben. "Out of the question, sir," remarked Sam Weller, coming to assist in the conference ; " it's a cruelty to animals, sir, to ask 'em to do it. There's beds here, sir," said Sam, address- ing his master, "everything clean and comfortable. Wery good little dinner, sir, they can get ready in half an hour pair of fowls, sir, and a weal cutlet; French beans, 'taturs, tart, and tidiness. You'd better stop vere you are, sir, if I might recommend. Take adwice, sir, as the doctor said." THE SARACEN'S HEAD, TOWCESTER. 375 The host of the Saracen's Head opportunely appeared at this moment, to confirm Mr. Weller's statement relative to the accommodations of the establishment, and to back his entreaties with a variety of dismal conjectures regarding the state of the roads, the doubt of fresh horses being to be had at the next stage, the dead certainty of its raining all night, the equally mortal certainty of its clearing up in the morning, and other topics of inducement familiar to innkeepers. " Well," said Mr. Pickwick ; " but I must send a letter to London by some conveyance, so that it may be delivered the very first thing in the morning, or I must go forward at all hazards." The landlord smiled his delight. Nothing could be easier than for the gentleman to inclose a letter in a sheet of brown paper, and send it on, either by the mail or the night coach from Birmingham. If the gentleman were particularly anxious to have it left as soon as possible, he might write outside, " To be delivered immediately," which was sure to be attended to ; or " pay the bearer half-a-crown extra for instant delivery,"" which was surer still. " Very well," said Mr. Pickwick, " then we will stop here." " Lights in the Sun, John ; make up the fire ; the gentle- men are wet ! " cried the landlord. " This way, gentlemen ; don't trouble yourselves about the postboy now, sir. Ill send him to you when you ring for him, sir. Now, John, the candles." The candles were brought, the fire was stirred up, and a fresh log of wood thrown on. In ten minutes 1 time, a waiter was laying the cloth for dinner, the curtains were drawn, the fire was blazing brightly, and everything looked (as everything always does, in all decent English inns) as if the travellers had been expected, and their comforts prepared, for days beforehand. Mr. Pickwick sat down at a side table, and hastily indited a note to Mr. Winkle, merely informing him that he was detained by stress of weather, but would certainly be in 376 THE PICKWICK CLUB. London next day ; until when he deferred any account of his proceedings. This note was hastily made into a parcel, and despatched to the bar per Mr. Samuel Weller. Sam left it with the landlady, and was returning to pull his master's boots off, after drying himself by the kitchen fire, when, glancing casually through a half-opened door, he was arrested by the sight of a gentleman with a sandy head who had a large bundle of newspapers lying on the table before him, and was perusing the leading article of one with a settled sneer which curled up his nose and all his other features into a majestic expression of haughty contempt. " Hallo ! " said Sam, " I ought to know that 'ere head and them features; the eye-glass, too, and the broad brimmed tile ! Eatansvill to vit, or I'm a Roman." Sam was taken with a troublesome cough, at once, for the purpose of attracting the gentleman's attention ; the gentleman starting at the sound, raised his head and his eye-glass, and disclosed to view the profound and thoughtful features of Mr. Pott, of the Eatanswill Gazette. "Beggin' your pardon, sir," said Sam, advancing with a bow, "my master's here, Mr. Pott." "Hush, hush!" cried Pott, drawing Sam into the room, and closing the door, with a countenance of mysterious dread and apprehension. "Wot's the matter, sir?" inquired Sam, looking vacantly about him. "Not a whisper of my name," replied Pott; "this is a buff neighbourhood. If the excited and irritable populace knew I was here, I should be torn to pieces." " No ! Vould you, sir ? " inquired Sam. "I should be the victim of their fury," replied Pott. " Now, young man, what of your master ? " "He's a stopping here to-night on his vay to town, vith a couple of friends," replied Sam. "Is Mr. Winkle one of them?" inquired Pott, with a slight frown. MR. POTT IN THE BUFF CAMP. 377 "No, sir. Mr. Vinkle stops at home now,"" rejoined Sam. " He's married." " Married ! " exclaimed Pott, with frightful vehemence. He stopped, smiled darkly, and added, in a low, vindictive tone : " It serves him right ! " Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of deadly malice and cold-blooded triumph over a fallen enemy, Mr. Pott inquired whether Mr. Pickwick's friends were " blue ? " Receiving a most satisfactory answer in the affirmative from Sam, who knew as much about the matter as Pott himself, he consented to accompany him to Mr. Pickwick's room, where a hearty welcome awaited him. An agreement to club dinners together was at once made and ratified. " And how are matters going on in Eatanswill ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick, when Pott had taken a seat near the fire, and the whole party had got their wet boots off, and dry slippers on. " Is the Independent still in being ? " "The Independent, sir, 1 ' replied Pott, "is still dragging on a wretched and lingering career. Abhorred and despised by even the few who are cognizant of its miserable and disgraceful existence; stifled by the very filth it so profusely scatters ; rendered deaf and blind by the exhalations of its own slime; the obscene journal, happily unconscious of its degraded state, is rapidly sinking beneath that treacherous mud which, while it seems to give it a firm standing with the low and debased classes of society, is nevertheless, rising above its detested head, and will speedily engulf it for ever." Having delivered this manifesto (which formed a portion of his last week's leader) with vehement articulation, the editor paused to take breath, and looked majestically at Bob Sawyer. " You are a young man, sir," said Pott. Mr. Bob Sawyer nodded. " So are you, sir," said Pott, addressing Mr. Ben Allen. Ben admitted the soft impeachment. "And are both deeply imbued with those blue principles, 378 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which, so long as I live, I have pledged myself to the people of these kingdoms to support and to maintain ? "" suggested Pott. "Why, I don't exactly know about that, 11 replied Bob Sawyer. "lam 1 ' "Not buff, Mr. Pickwick, 11 interrupted Pott, drawing back his chair, "your friend is not buff, sir? 11 " No, no, 11 rejoined Bob, " I'm a kind of plaid at present ; a compound of all sorts of colours. 11 " A waverer," said Pott, solemnly, " a waverer. I should like to show you a series of eight articles, sir, that have appeared in the Eatanswill Gazette. I think I may venture to say that you would not be long in establishing your opinions on a firm and solid blue basis, sir. 11 "I dare say I should turn very blue, long before I got to the end of them, 11 responded Bob. Mr. Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some seconds, and, turning to Mr. Pickwick, said,: "You have seen the literary articles which have appeared at intervals in the Eatanswill Gazette in the course of the last three months, and which have excited such general I may say such universal attention and admiration ? " "Why, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick, slightly embarrassed by the question, "the fact is, I have been so much engaged in other ways, that I really have not had an opportunity of perusing them. 1 " " You should do so, sir, 11 said Pott, with a severe counte- nance. "I will, 11 said Mr. Pickwick. " They appeared in the form of a copious review of a work on Chinese metaphysics, sir, 11 said Pott " Oh, 11 observed Mr. Pickwick ; " from your pen, I hope ? " "From the pen of my critic, sir, 11 rejoined Pott with dignity. " An abstruse subject I should conceive, 11 said Mr. Pickwick. " Very, sir, 11 responded Pott, looking intensely sage. " He CHINESE METAPHYSICS. 379 crammed for it, to use a technical but expressive term ; he read up for the subject, at my desire, in the Encyclopaedia SritarmicaJ" "Indeed! 11 said Mr. Pickwick; "I was not aware that that valuable work contained any information respecting Chinese metaphysics. 11 "He read, sir,"" rejoined Pott, laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick"^ knee, and looking round with a smile of intellectual superiority, "he read for metaphysics under the letter M, and for China under the letter C, and combined his informa- tion, sir? 11 Mr. Pott's features assumed so much additional grandeur at the recollection of the power and research displayed in the learned effusions in question, that some minutes elapsed before Mr Pickwick felt emboldened to renew the conversa- tion ; at length, as the Editor's countenance gradually relaxed into its customary expression of moral supremacy, he ventured to resume the discourse by asking: "Is it fair to inquire what great object has brought you so far from home ? " "That object which actuates and animates me in all my gigantic labours, sir, 11 replied Pott, with a calm smile; "my country's good. 11 "I supposed it was some public mission, 11 observed Mr. Pickwick. "Yes, sir, 11 resumed Pott, "it is. 11 Here, bending towards Mr. Pickwick, he whispered in a deep hollow voice, "A buff ball, sir, will take place in Birmingham to-morrow evening. 11 " God bless me ! " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. "Yes, sir, and supper, 11 added Pott. "You don't say so! 11 ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. Pott nodded portentously. Now, although Mr. Pickwick feigned to stand aghast at this disclosure, he was so little versed in local politics that he was unable to form an adequate comprehension of the importance of the dire conspiracy it referred to ; observing 380 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which, Mr. Pott, drawing forth the last number of the Eatanswill Gazette, and referring to the same, delivered him- self of the following paragraph : " HOLE-AND-CORKER BuFFERY. "A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered forth his black venom in the vain and hopeless attempt of sullying the fair name of our distinguished and excellent representative, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey that Slumkey whom we, long before he gained his present noble and exalted position, predicted would one day be, as he now is, at once his country's brightest honour, and her proudest boast : alike her bold defender and her honest pride our reptile contemporary, we say, has made himself merry, at the expense of a superbly embossed plated coal-scuttle, which has been presented to that glorious man by his enraptured constituents, and towards the purchase of which, the nameless wretch insinuates, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey himself contributed, through a confidential friend of his butler's, more than three-fourths of the whole sum subscribed. Why, does not the crawling creature see, that even if this be the fact, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey only appears in a still more amiable and radiant light than before, if that be possible? Does not even his obtuseness perceive that this amiable and touching desire to carry out the wishes of the constituent body, must for ever endear him to the hearts and souls of such of his fellow townsmen as are not worse than swine ; or, in other words, who are not as debased as our contemporary himself? But such is the wretched trickery of hole-and-corner Buffery ! These are not its only artifices. Treason is abroad. We boldly state, now that we are goaded to the disclosure, and we throw ourselves on the country and its constables for protection we boldly state that secret preparations are at this moment in progress for a Buff ball ; which is to be held in a Buff town, in the very heart and centre of a Buff population ; which is to be conducted by a Buff master of A WELCOME DINNER. 381 the ceremonies ; which is to be attended by four ultra Buff members of parliament, and the admission to which, is to be by Buff tickets! Does our fiendish contemporary wince? Let him writhe, in impotent malice, as we pen the words, WE WILL BE THERE."" " There, sir, 11 said Pott, folding up the paper quite exhausted, " that is the state of the case ! "" The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner, caused Mr. Pott to lay his finger on his lips, in token that he considered his life in Mr. Pickwick^ hands, and depended on his secrecy. Messrs. Bob Sawyer and Benjamin Allen, who had irreverently fallen asleep during the reading of the quotation from the Eatanswill Gazette, and the discussion which followed it, were roused by the mere whisper- ing of the talismanic word " Dinner " in their ears : and to dinner they went with good digestion waiting on appetite, and health on both, and a waiter on all three. In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it, Mr. Pott descending, for a few moments, to domestic topics, informed Mr. Pickwick that the air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady, she was then engaged in making a tour of different fashionable watering-places with a view to the recovery of her wonted health and spirits ; this was a delicate veiling of the fact that Mrs. Pott, acting upon her often repeated threat of separation, had, in virtue of an arrangement negociated by her brother, the Lieutenant, and concluded by Mr. Pott, permanently retired with the faithful body-guard upon one moiety or half-part of the annual income and profits arising from the editorship and sale of the Eatanswill Gazette. While the great Mr. Pott was dwelling upon this and other matters, enlivening the conversation from time to time with various extracts from his own lucubrations, a stern stranger, calling from the window of a stage-coach, outward bound, which halted at the inri to deliver packages, requested to know, whether, if he stopped short on his journey and 382 THE PICKWICK CLUB. remained there for the night, he could be furnished with the necessary accommodation of a bed and bedstead. " Certainly, sir," replied the landlord. " I can, can I ? " inquired the stranger, who seemed habitually suspicious in look and manner. " No doubt of it, sir," replied the landlord " Good," said the stranger. " Coachman, I get down here. Guard, my carpet-bag ! " Bidding the other passengers good night, in a rather snappish manner, the stranger alighted. He was a shortish gentleman, with very stiff black hair cut in the porcupine or blacking-brush style, and standing stiff and straight all over his head ; his aspect was pompous and threatening ; his manner was peremptory; his eyes were sharp and restless; and his whole bearing bespoke a feeling of great confidence in himself, and a consciousness of immeasurable superiority over all other people. This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned to the patriotic Mr. Pott ; and the waiter remarked, in dumb astonishment at the singular coincidence, that he had no sooner lighted the candles than the gentleman, diving into his hat, drew forth a newspaper, and began to read it with the very same expression of indignant scorn, which, upon the majestic features of Pott, had paralysed his energies an hour before. The man observed too, that whereas Mr. Potf s scorn had been roused by a newspaper headed The Eatanswill Inde- pendent, this gentleman's withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper entitled The Eatanswill Gazette. "Send the landlord," said the stranger. "Yes, sir," rejoined the waiter. The landlord was sent, and came. " Are you the landlord ? " inquired the gentleman. "I am, sir," replied the landlord. " Do you know me ? " demanded the gentleman. " I have not that pleasure, sir," rejoined the landlord. "My name is Slurk," said the gentleman. MR. SLURK. 383 The landlord slightly inclined his head. " Slurk, sir," repeated the gentleman, haughtily. " Do you know me now, man?" The landlord scratched his head, looked at the ceiling, and at the stranger, and smiled feebly. * Do you know me, man ? " inquired the stranger, angrily. The landlord made a strong effort, and at length replied: " Well, sir, I do not know you." " Great Heaven ! " said the stranger, dashing his clenched fist upon the table. " And this is popularity ! * The landlord took a step or two towards the door; the stranger fixing his eyes upon him, resumed. " This," said the stranger, " this is gratitude for years of labour and study in behalf of the masses. I alight wet and weary; no enthusiastic crowds press forward to greet their champion ; the church- bells are silent ; the very name elicits no responsive feeling in their torpid bosoms. It is enough," said the agitated Mr. Slurk, pacing to and fro, "to curdle the ink in one's pen, and induce one to abandon their cause for ever." " Did you say brandy and water, sir ? " said the landlord, venturing a hint. " Rum," said Mr. Slurk, turning fiercely upon him. " Have you got a fire anywhere?" "We can light one directly, sir," said the landlord. " Which will throw out no heat until it is bed-time," interrupted Mr. Slurk. " Is there anybody in the kitchen ? " Not a soul. There was a beautiful fire. Everybody had gone, and the house door was closed for the night. "I will drink my rum and water," said Mr. Slurk, "by the kitchen fire." So, gathering up his hat and newspaper, he stalked solemnly behind the landlord to that humble apartment, and throwing himself on a settle by the fireside, resumed his countenance of scorn, and began to read and drink in silent dignity. Now, some demon of discord, flying over the Saracen's 384 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Head at that moment, on casting down his eyes in mere idle curiosity, happened to behold Slurk established comfortably by the kitchen fire, and Pott slightly elevated with wine in another room; upon which the malicious demon, darting down into the last-mentioned apartment with inconceivable rapidity, passed at once into the head of Mr. Bob Sawyer, and prompted him for his (the demon's) own evil purposes to speak as follows : "I say, we've let the fire out. It's uncommonly cold after the rain, isn't it?" " It really is," replied Mr. Pickwick, shivering. "It wouldn't be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire, would it ? " said Bob Sawyer, still prompted by the demon aforesaid. "It would be particularly comfortable, 7 think," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Mr. Pott, what do you say?" Mr. Pott yielded a ready assent; and all four travellers, each with his glass in his hand, at once betook themselves to the kitchen, with Sam Weller heading the procession to show them the way. The stranger was still reading ; he looked up and started. Mr. Pott started. "What's the matter?" whispered Mr. Pickwick. "That reptile !" replied Pott. "What reptile?" said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him for fear he should tread on some overgrown black beetle, or dropsical spider. "That reptile," whispered Pott, catching Mr. Pickwick by the arm, and pointing towards the stranger. "That reptile Slurk, of the Independent ! " "Perhaps we had better retire," whispered Mr. Pickwick. "Never, sir," rejoined Pott, pot-valiant in a double sense, "never." With these words, Mr. Pott took up his position on an opposite settle, and selecting one from a little bundle of newspapers,, began to read against his enemy. Mr. Pott, of course, read the Independent, and Mr. Slurk, THE RIVAL EDITORS. 385 of course, read the Gazette; and each gentleman audibly expressed his contempt of the other's compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs ; whence they proceeded to more open expressions of opinion, such as "absurd," "wretched," "atrocity," "humbug," "knavery," "dirt," "filth," "slime," " ditch-water," and other critical remarks of the like nature. Both Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Ben Allen had beheld these symptoms of rivalry and hatred, with a degree of delight which imparted great additional relish to the cigars at which they were puffing most vigorously. The moment they began to flag, the mischievous Mr. Bob Sawyer, addressing Slurk with great politeness, said : " Will you allow me to look at your paper, sir, when you have quite done with it ! " "You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this contemptible thing, sir," replied Slurk, bestowing a Satanic frown on Pott. " You shall have this presently," said Pott, looking up, pale with rage, and quivering in his speech, from the same cause. " Ha ! ha ! you will be amused with \h\s < fellow's audacity." Terrific emphasis was laid upon this " thing " and " fellow ; " and the faces of both editors began to glow with defiance. " The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting," said Pott, pretending to address Bob Sawyer, and scowling upon Slurk. Here, Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and folding up the paper so as to get at a fresh column conveniently, said, that the blockhead really amused him. "What an impudent blunderer this fellow is," said Pott, turning from pink to crimson. " Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, sir ? " inquired Slurk, of Bob Sawyer. " Never," replied Bob ; " is it very bad ? " " Oh, shocking ! shocking ! " rejoined Slurk. " Really ! Dear me, this is too atrocious ! " exclaimed Pott, at this juncture ; still feigning to be absorbed in his reading. 386 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " If you can wade through a few sentences of malice, mean- ness, falsehood, perjury, treachery, and cant," said Slurk, handing the paper to Bob, " you will, perhaps, be some- what repaid by a laugh at the style of this ungrammatical twaddler." "What's that you said, sir?" inquired Mr. Pott, looking up, trembling all over with passion. "What's that to you, sir?" replied Slurk. "Ungrammatical twaddler, was it, sir?" said Pott. "Yes, sir, it was," replied Slurk; "and blue bore, sir, if you like that better ; ha ! ha ! " Mr. Pott retorted not a word to this jocose insult, but deliberately folded up his copy of the Independent, flattened it carefully down, crushed it beneath his boot, spat upon it with great ceremony, and flung it into the fire. "There, sir," said Pott, retreating from the stove, "and that's the way I would serve the viper who produces it, if I were not, fortunately for him, restrained by the laws of my country." " Serve him so, sir ! " cried Slurk, starting up. " Those laws shall never be appealed to by him, sir, in such a case. Serve him so, sir ! " " Hear ! hear ! " said Bob Sawyer. "Nothing can be fairer," observed Mr. Ben Alien. "Serve him so, sir!" reiterated Slurk, in a loud voice. Mr. Pott darted a look of contempt, which might have withered an anchor. " Serve him so, sir ! " reiterated Slurk, in a louder voice than before. " I will not, sir," rejoined Pott. "Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?" said Mr. Slurk, in a taunting manner ; " you hear this, gentlemen ! He won't ; not that he's afraid ; oh, no ! he won't. Ha ! ha ! " " I consider you, sir," said Mr. Pott, moved by this sarcasm, " I consider you a viper. I look upon you, sir, as a man who has placed himself beyond the pale of society, by his most ASSAULT AND BATTERY. 387 audacious, disgraceful, and abominable public conduct. I view you, sir, personally and politically, in no other light than as a most unparalleled and unmitigated viper." The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this personal denunciation ; for, catching up his carpet-bag which was well stuffed with moveables, he swung it in the air as Pott turned away, and, letting it fall with a circular sweep on his head, just at that particular angle of the bag where a good thick hair-brush happened to be packed, caused a sharp crash to be heard throughout the kitchen, and brought him at once to the ground. "Gentlemen," cried Mr. Pickwick, as Pott started up and seized the fire-shovel, " gentlemen ! Consider, for Heaven's sake help Sam here pray, gentlemen interfere, some- body. 1 ' Uttering these incoherent exclamations, Mr. Pickwick rushed between the infuriated combatants just in time to receive the carpet-bag on one side of his body, and the fire- shovel on the other. Whether the representatives of the public feeling of Eatanswill were blinded by animosity, or (being both acute reasoners) saw the advantage of having a third party between them to bear all the blows, certain it is that they paid not the slightest attention to Mr. Pickwick, but defying each other with great spirit plied the carpet-bag and the fire-shovel most fearlessly. Mr. Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered severely for his humane inter- ference, if Mr. Weller, attracted by his master's cries, had not rushed in at the moment, and, snatching up a meal-sack, effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it over the head and shoulders of the mighty Pott, and clasping him tight round the shoulders. "Take avay that 'ere bag from the t'other madman," said Sam to Ben Allen and Bob Sawyer, who had done nothing but dodge round the group, each with a tortoise-shell lancet in his hand, ready to bleed the first man stunned. "Give it up, you wretched little creetur, or I'll smother you in it." 388 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Awed by these threats, and quite out of breath, the Inde- pendent suffered himself to be disarmed ; and Mr. Weller, removing the extinguisher from Pott, set him free with a caution. "You take yourselves off to bed quietly, 11 said Sam, "or Til put you both in it, and let you fight it out vith the mouth tied, as I vould a dozen sich, if they played these games. And you have the goodness to come this here vay, sir, if you please. 11 Thus addressing his master, Sam took him by the arm, and led him off', while the rival editors were severally removed to their beds by the landlord, under the inspection of Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen ; breathing, as they went away, many sanguinary threats, and making vague appointments for mortal combat next day. When they came to think it over, however, it occurred to them that they could do it much better in print, so they recommenced deadly hostilities without delay; and all Eatanswill rung with their boldness on paper. They had taken themselves off in separate coaches, early next morning, before the other travellers were stirring; and the weather having now cleared up, the chaise companions once more turned their faces to London, CHAPTER LII. INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF THE RED-NOSED MR. STIGGINS. CONSIDERING it a matter of delicacy to abstain from intro- ducing either Bob Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young couple, until they were fully prepared to expect them, and wishing to spare Arabella's feelings as much as possible, Mr. Pickwick proposed that he and Sam should alight in the neighbour- hood of the George and Vulture, and that the two young men should for the present take up their quarters else- where. To this, they very readily agreed, and the pro- position was accordingly acted upon ; Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer betaking themselves to a sequestered pot- shop on the remotest confines of the Borough, behind the bar-door of which their names had in other days very often appeared, at the head of long and complex calculations worked in white chalk. " Dear me, Mr. Weller," said the pretty housemaid, meeting Sam at the door. "Dear me I vish it vos, my dear," replied Sam, dropping behind, to let his master get out of hearing. " Wot a sweet lookin 1 creetur you are, Mary ! " " Lor, Mr. Weller, what nonsense you do talk ! * said Mary. 0h! don't, Mr. Weller." 390 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Don't what, my dear?" said Sam. "Why, that," replied the pretty housemaid. "Lor, do get along with you." Thus admonishing him, the pretty housemaid pushed Sam against the wall, declaring that he had tumbled her cap, and put her hair quite out of curl. "And prevented what I was going to say, besides," added Mary. "There's a letter been waiting here for you four days ; you hadn't been gone away, half an hour, when it came ; and more than that, it's got, immediate, on the outside." Vere is it, my love ? " inquired Sam. " I took care of it, for you, or I dare say it would have been lost long before this," replied Mary. "There, take it; it's more than you deserve." With these words, after many pretty little coquettish doubts and fears, and wishes that she might not have lost it, Mary produced the letter from behind the nicest little muslin tucker possible, and handed it to Sam, who thereupon kissed it with much gallantry and devotion. " My goodness me ! " said Mary, adjusting the tucker, and feigning unconsciousness, "you seem to have grown very fond of it all at once." To this Mr. Weller only replied by a wink, the intense meaning of which no description could convey the faintest idea of; and, sitting himself down beside Mary on a window- seat, opened the letter and glanced at the contents. " Hallo ! " exclaimed Sam, " wot's all this ? " "Nothing the matter, I hope?" said Mary, peeping over his shoulder. " Bless them eyes o' yourn ! " said Sam, looking up. "Never mind my eyes; you had much better read your letter," said the pretty housemaid; and as she said so, she made the eyes twinkle with such slyness and beauty that they were perfectly irresistible. Sam refreshed himself with a kiss, and read as follows : AN AFFECTING LETTER. 391 " Markis Gran By darken "My dear Sammle, "I am weiy sorry to have the pleasure of bein a Bear of ill news your Mother in law cort cold consekens of impru- dently settin too long on the damp grass in the rain a hearin of a shepherd who warnt able to leave off till late at night owen to his havin vound his-self up vith brandy and vater and not being able to stop hisself till he got a little sober which took a many hours to do the doctor says that if she'd svallo'd varm brandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightn't have been no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and everythink done to set her agoin as could be inwented your farther had hopes as she vould have vorked round as usual but just as she wos a turnen the corner my boy she took the wrong road and vent down hill vith a welocity you never see and notvithstandin that the drag wos put on drectly by the medikel man it wornt of no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes afore six o'clock yesterday evenin havin done the jouney wery much under the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven taken in wery little luggage by the vay your father says that if you vill come and see me Sammy he vill take it as a wery great favor for I am wery lonely Samivel n b he vill have it spelt that vay vich I say ant right and as there is sich a many things to settle he is sure your guvner wont object of course he vill not Sammy for I knows him better so he sends his dooty in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours "ToNY VELLER." "Wot a incomprehensible letter," said Sam; "who's to know wot it means, vith all this he-ing and I-ing ! It ain't my father's writin', 'cept this here signater in print letters; that's his." 392 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him, and signed it himself afterwards," said the pretty housemaid. " Stop a minit," replied Sam, running over the letter again, and pausing here and there, to reflect, as he did so. " You've hit it. The gen'l'm'n as wrote it wos a tellin' all about the misfortun' in a proper vay, and then my father comes a lookin' over him, and complicates the whole concern by puttm' his oar in. That's just the wery sort o' thing he'd do. You're right, Mary, my dear." Having satisfied himself on this point, Sam read the letter all over, once more, and, appearing to form a clear notion of its contents for the first time, ejaculated thoughtfully, as he folded it up : " And so the poor creatur's dead ! I'm sorry for it. She warn't a bad-disposed 'ooman, if them shepherds had let her alone. I'm wery sorry for it." Mr. Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner, that the pretty housemaid cast down her eyes and looked very grave. "Hows'ever," said Sam, putting the letter in his pocket with a gentle sigh, "it wos to be and wos, as the old lady said arter she'd married the footman. Can't be helped now, can it, Mary ? " Mary shook her head, and sighed too. " I must apply to the hemperor for leave of absence," said Sam. Mary sighed again. The letter was so very affecting. " Good bye ! " said Sam. "Good bye," rejoined the pretty housemaid, turning her head away. "Well, shake hands, won't you?" said Sam. The pretty housemaid put out a hand which, although it was a housemaid's, was a very small one, and rose to go. " I shan't be wery long avay," said Sam. "You're always away," said Mary, giving her head the slightest possible toss in the air. "You no sooner come, Mr. Weller, than you go again." LEAVE OF ABSENCE GRANTED. 393 Mr. Weller drew the household beauty closer to him, and entered upon a whispering conversation, which had not pro- ceeded far, when she turned her face round and condescended to look at him again. When they parted, it was somehow or other indispensably necessary for her to go to her room, and arrange the cap and curls before she could think of presenting herself to her mistress; which preparatory ceremony she went off to perform, bestowing many nods and smiles on Sam over the banisters as she tripped up stairs. "I shan't be avay more than a day, or two, sir, at the farthest," said Sam, when he had communicated to Mr. Pick- wick the intelligence of his father's loss. " As long as may be necessary, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, "you have my full permission to remain. 11 Sam bowed. " You will tell your father, Sam, that if I can be of any assistance to him in his present situation, I shall be most willing and ready to lend him any aid in my power,"" said Mr. Pickwick. " Thankee, sir," rejoined Sam. " I'll mention it, sir." And with some expressions of mutual good-will and interest, master and man separated. It was just seven o'clock when Samuel Weller, alighting from the box of a stage-coach which passed through Dorking, stood within a few hundred yards of the Marquis of Granby. It was a cold dull evening ; the little street looked dreary and dismal ; and the mahogany countenance of the noble and gallant Marquis seemed to wear a more sad and melancholy expression than it was wont to do, as it swung to and fro, creaking mournfully in the wind. The blinds were pulled down, and the shutters partly closed ; of the knot of loungers that usually collected about the door, not one was to be seen ; the place was silent and desolate. Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any preliminary questions, Sam walked softly in. Glancing round, he quickly recognised his parent in the distance. 394 THE PICKWICK CLUB. The widower was seated at a small round table in the little room behind the bar, smoking a pipe, with his eyes intently fixed upon the fire. The funeral had evidently taken place that day; for attached to his hat, which he still retained on his head, was a hatband measuring about a yard and a half in length, which hung over the top rail of the chair and streamed negligently down. Mr. Weller was in a very abstracted and contemplative mood. Notwithstanding that Sam called him by name several times, he still continued to smoke with the same fixed and quiet countenance, and was only roused ulti- mately by his son's placing the palm of his hand on his shoulder. " Sammy, 1 ' said Mr. Weller, " you're welcome."" " I've been a callin' to you half a dozen times," said Sam, hanging his hat on a peg, " but you didn't hear me." "No, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, again looking thought- fully at the fire. "I wos in a referee, Sammy." " Wot about ? " inquired Sam, drawing his chair up to the fire. "In a referee, Sammy," replied the elder Mr. Weller, " regarding her, Samivel." Here Mr. Weller jerked his head in the direction of Dorking churchyard, in mute explanation that his words referred to the late Mrs. Weller. "I wos a thinkin', Sammy," said Mr. Weller, eyeing his son, with great earnestness, over his pipe ; as if to assure him that however extraordinary and incredible the declaration might appear, it was nevertheless calmly and deliberately uttered. "I wos a thinkin', Sammy, that upon the whole I wos wery sorry she wos gone." " Veil, and so you ought to be," replied Sam. Mr. Weller nodded his acquiescence in the sentiment, and again fastening his eyes on the fire, shrouded himself in a cloud, and mused deeply. " Those wos wery sensible observations as she made, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, driving the smoke away with his hand, after a long silence. vSENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS. 395 " Wot observations ? " inquired Sam. "Them as she made, arter she was took ill," replied the old gentleman. "Wot was they?" "Somethin' to this here effect. 'Veller,' she says, Tin afeard I've not done by you quite wot I ought to have done ; you're a wery kind-hearted man, and I might ha' made your home more comfortabler. I begin to see now,' she says, * ven it's too late, that if a married 'ooman vishes to be religious, she should begin vith dischargin' her dooties at home, and makin' them as is about her cheerful and happy, and that vile she goes to church, or chapel, or wot not, at all proper times, she should be wery careful not to con-wert this sort o' thing into a excuse for idleness or self-indulgence. I have done this,' she says, 'and I've vasted time and substance on them as has done it more than me; but I hope ven I'm gone, Veller, that you'll think on me as I wos afore I know'd them people, and as I raly wos by naturV * Susan,' says I, I wos took up wery short by this, Samivel ; I von't deny it, my boy 'Susan,' I says, * you've been a wery good vife to me, altogether ; don't say nothin' at all about it ; keep a good heart my dear; and you'll live to see me punch that 'ere Stiggins's head yet.' She smiled at this, Samivel," said the old gentleman, stifling a sigh with his pipe, " but she died arter all ! " " Veil," said Sam, venturing to offer a little homely consola- tion, after the lapse of three or four minutes, consumed by the old gentleman in slowly shaking his head from side to side, and solemnly smoking; "veil, gov'ner, ve must all come to it, one day or another." " So we must, Sammy," said Mr. Weller the elder. "There's a Providence in it all," said Sam. "O' course there is," replied his father with a nod of grave approval. "Wot 'ud become of the undertakers vithout it, Sammy ? " Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by this 396 THE PICKWICK CLUB. reflection, the elder Mr. Weller laid his pipe on the table, and stirred the fire with a meditative visage. While the old gentleman was thus engaged, a very buxom - looking cook, dressed in mourning, who had been bustling about, in the bar, glided into the room, and bestowing many smirks of recognition upon Sam, silently stationed herself at the back of his father's chair, and announced her presence by a slight cough : the which, being disregarded, was followed by a louder one. " Hallo ! " said the elder Mr. Weller, dropping the poker as he looked round, and hastily drew his chair away. " Wot's the matter now?" " Have a cup of tea, there's a good soul," replied the buxom female, coaxingly. "I von't," replied Mr. Weller, in a somewhat boisterous manner, " 111 see you " Mr. Weller hastily checked himself, and added in a low tone, "furder fust." " Oh, dear, dear ! How adversity does change people ! " said the lady, looking upwards. "It's the only think 'twixt this and the doctor as shall change my condition," muttered Mr. Weller. "I really never saw a man so cross," said the buxom female. "Never mind. It's all for my own good; vich is the reflection vith wich the penitent schoolboy comforted his feelin's ven they flogged him," rejoined the old gentleman. The buxom female shook her head with a compassionate and sympathising air; and, appealing to Sam, inquired whether his father really ought not to make an effort to keep up, and not give way to that lowness of spirits. " You see, Mr. Samuel," said the buxom female, " as I was telling him yesterday, he will feel lonely, he can't expect but what he should, sir, but he should keep up a good heart, because, dear me, I'm sure we all pity his loss, and are ready to do anything for him ; and there's no situation in life so bad, Mr. Samuel, that it can't be mended. Which is what PERILOUS POSITION OF A WIDOWER. 397 a very worthy person said to me when my husband died. 11 Here the speaker, putting her hand before her mouth, coughed again, and looked affectionately at the elder Mr. Weller. "As I don't rekvire any o 1 your conversation just now, mum, vill you have the goodness to re-tire ?" inquired Mr. Weller in a grave and steady voice. "Well, Mr. Weller," said the buxom female, "I'm sure I only spoke to you out of kindness. 1 ' 1 "Wery likely, mum," replied Mr. Weller. "Samivel, show the lady out, and shut the door arter her." This hint was not lost upon the buxom female ; for she at once left the room, and slammed the door behind her, upon which Mr. Weller, senior, falling back in his chair in a violent perspiration, said : "Sammy, if I wos to stop here alone vun veek only vun veek, my boy that 'ere 'ooman 'ud marry me by force and wiolence afore it was over.' 1 " Wot ! Is she so wery fond on you ? " inquired Sam. " Fond ! " replied his father, " I can't keep her avay from me. If I was locked up in a fire-proof chest vith a patent Brahmin, sheM find means to get at me, Sammy." " Wot a thing it is, to be so sought arter ! " observed Sam, smiling. "I don^ take no pride out on it, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, poking the fire vehemently, " it's a horrid sitiwation. I'm actiwally drove out o' house and home by it. The breath was scarcely out o' your poor mother-in-law's body, ven vun old 'ooman sends me a pot o' jam, and another a pot o' jelly, and another brews a blessed large jug o' camomile-tea, vich she brings in vith her own hands." Mr. Weller paused with an aspect of intense disgust, and, looking round, added in a whisper: "They wos all widders, Sammy, all on 'em, 'cept the camomile-tea vun, as wos a single young lady o' fifty-three." Sam gave a comical look in reply, and the old gentleman having broken an obstinate lump of coal, with a countenance 398 THE PICKWICK CLUB. expressive of as much earnestness and malice as if it had been the head of one of the widows last-mentioned, said : "In short, Sammy, I feel that I ain't safe anyveres but on the box. 11 " How are you safer there than anyveres else ? " interrupted Sam. "'Cos a coachman's a privileged indiwidual," replied Mr. Weller, looking fixedly at his son. "'Cos a coachman may do vithout suspicion wot other men may not; 'cos a coach- man may be on the wery amicablest terms with eighty mile o' females, and yet nobody think that he ever means to marry any vun among 'em. And wot other man can say the same, Sammy ? " "Veil, there's somethin' in that," said Sam. "If your gov'ner had been a coachman," reasoned Mr. Weller, "do you s'pose as that 'ere jury 'ud ever ha' con- wicted him, s'posin' it possible as the matter could ha' gone to that extremity ? They dustn't ha' done it. 11 " Wy not ? " said Sam, rather disparagingly. "Wy not!" rejoined Mr. Weller; "'cos it 'ud ha 1 gone agin their consciences. A reg'lar coachman's a sort o' con- nectin' link betwixt singleness and matrimony, and every practicable man knows it." "Wot! You mean, they're gen'ral fav'rites, and nobody takes adwantage on 'em, p'raps ? " said Sam. His father nodded. " How it ever come to that 'ere pass," resumed the parent Weller, "I can't say. Wy it is that long-stage coachmen possess such insiniwations, and is alvays looked up to a- dored I may say by ev'ry young 'ooman in ev'ry town he vurks through, I don't know. I only know that so it is. It's a reg'lation of natur a dispensary, as your poor mother-in- law used to say." "A dispensation," said Sam, correcting the old gentleman. " Wery good, Samivel, a dispensation if you like it better," returned Mr. Weller ; " / call it a dispensary, and it's alvays INVESTMENTS. 399 writ up so, at the places vere they gives you physic for nothin" 1 in your own bottles ; that's all." With these words, Mr. Weller re-filled and re-lighted his pipe, and once more summoning up a meditative expression of countenance, continued as follows : "Therefore, my boy, as I do not see the adwisability o' stoppin 1 here to be marrid vether I vant to or not, and as at the same time I do not vish to separate myself from them interestin' members o' society altogether, I have come to the determination o' drivin' the Safety, and puttin' up vunce more at the Bell Savage, vich is my nat'ral-born element, Sammy."" " And wot's to become o' the bis'ness ? " inquired Sam. " The bis'ness, Samivel," replied the old gentleman, " good- vill, stock, and fixters, vill be sold by private contract; and out o' the money, two hundred pound, agreeable to a rekvest o" 1 your mother-in-law's to me a little afore she died, vill be inwested in your name in wot do you call them things agin?" " Wot things ? " inquired Sam. "Them things as is always a goin' up and down, in the City." " Omnibuses ? " suggested Sam. " Nonsense," replied Mr. Weller. " Them things as is alvays a fluctooatin', and gettin' theirselves inwolved somehow or another vith the national debt, and the checquers bills, and all that." " Oh ! the funds," said Sam. "Ah!" rejoined Mr. Weller, "the funs; two hundred pounds o' the money is to be inwested for you, Samivel, in the funs ; four and a half per cent, reduced counsels, Sammy." "Wery kind o' the old lady to think o' me," said Sam, "and I'm very much obliged to her." "The rest vill be inwested in my name," continued the elder Mr. Weller ; " and ven I'm took off the road, it'll come to you, so take care you don't spend it all at vunst, my boy, 400 THE PICKWICK CLUB. and mind that no widder gets a inklin' o' your fortun', or you're done." Having delivered this warning, Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with a more serene countenance ; the disclosure of these matters appearing to have eased his mind considerably. " Somebody's a tappin' at the door, 11 said Sam. " Let 'em tap," replied his father, with dignity. Sam acted upon the direction. There was another tap, and another, and then a long row of taps ; upon which Sam inquired why the tapper was not admitted. " Hush," whispered Mr. Weller, with apprehensive looks, " don't take no notice on 'em, Sammy, it's vun o' the widders, p'raps." No notice being taken of the taps, the unseen visitor, after a short lapse, ventured to open the door and peep in. It was no female head that was thrust in at the partially opened door, but the long black locks and red face of Mr. Stiggins. Mr. Weller's pipe fell from his hands. The reverend gentleman gradually opened the door by almost imperceptible degrees, until the aperture was just wide enough to admit of the passage of his lank body, when he glided into the room and closed it after him with great care and gentleness. Turning towards Sam, and raising his hands and eyes in token of the unspeakable sorrow with which he regarded the calamity that had befallen the family, he carried the high-backed chair to his old corner by the fire, and, seating himself on the very edge, drew forth a brown pocket- handkerchief, and applied the same to his optics. While this was going forward, the elder Mr. Weller sat back in his chair, with his eyes wide open, his hands planted on his knees, and his whole countenance expressive of absorb- ing and overwhelming astonishment. Sam sat opposite him in perfect silence, waiting, with eager curiosity, for the termination of the scene. Mr. Stiggins kept the brown pocket-handkerchief before his eyes for some minutes, moaning decently meanwhile, and ANXIOUS INQUIRIES. 401 then, mastering his feelings by a strong effort, put it in his pocket and buttoned it up. After this, he stirred the fire ; after that, he rubbed his hands and looked at Sam. "Oh my young friend," said Mr. Stiggins, breaking the silence in a very low voice, " here's a sorrowful affliction ! " Sam nodded, very slightly. "For the man of wrath, too! 1 ' added Mr. Stiggins; "it makes a vessel's heart bleed ! " Mr. Weller was overheard by his son to murmur some- thing relative to making a vessel's nose bleed; but Mr. Stiggins heard him not. "Do you know, young man," whispered Mr. Stiggins, drawing his chair closer to Sam, "whether she has left Emanuel anything?" "Who's he?" inquired Sam. " The chapel," replied Mr. Stiggins ; " our chapel ; our fold, Mr. Samuel." " She hasn't left the fold nothin', nor the shepherd nothin', nor the animals nothin'," said Sam, decisively ; " nor the dogs neither." Mr. Stiggins looked slyly at Sam; glanced at the old gentleman, who was sitting with his eyes closed, as if asleep ; and drawing his chair still nearer, said : " Nothing for me^ Mr. Samuel ? " Sam shook his head. " I think there's something," said Stiggins, turning as pale as he could turn. " Consider, Mr. Samuel ; no little token ? " " Not so much as the vorth o' that 'ere old umberella o' yourn," replied Sam. "Perhaps," said Mr. Stiggins, hesitatingly, after a few moments' deep thought, "perhaps she recommended me to the care of the man of wrath, Mr. Samuel ? " " I think that's wery likely, from what he said," rejoined Sam ; " he wos a speakin' about you, jist now." "Was he, though?" exclaimed Stiggins brightening up. " Ah ! He's changed, I dare say. We might live very VOL. li. 2 D 402 THE PICKWICK CLUB. comfortably together now, Mr. Samuel, eh ? I could take care of his property when you are away good care, you see." Heaving a long-drawn sigh, Mr. Stiggins paused for a response. Sam nodded, and Mr. Weller, the elder, gave vent to an extraordinary sound, which being neither a groan, nor a grunt, nor a gasp, nor a growl, seemed to partake in some degree of the character of all four. Mr. Stiggins, encouraged by this sound, which he under- stood to betoken remorse or repentance, looked about him, rubbed his hands, wept, smiled, wept again, and then, walking softly across the room to a well-remembered shelf in one corner, took down a tumbler, and with great deliberation put four lumps of sugar in it. Having got thus far, he looked about him again, and sighed grievously; with that, he walked softly into the bar, and presently returning with the tumbler half full of pine-apple rum, advanced to the kettle which was singing gaily on the hob, mixed his grog, stirred it, sipped it, sat down, and taking a long and hearty pull at the rum and water, stopped for breath. The elder Mr. Weller, who still continued to make various strange and uncouth attempts to appear asleep, offered not a single word during these proceedings; but when Stiggins stopped for breath, he darted upon him, and snatching the tumbler from his hand, threw the remainder of the rum and water in his face, and the glass itself into the grate. Then, seizing the reverend gentleman firmly by the collar, he suddenly fell to kicking him most furiously : accompanying every application of his top-boots to Mr. Stiggins's person, with sundry violent and incoherent anathemas upon his limbs, eyes, and body. " Sammy, 1 ' said Mr. Weller, "put my hat on tight for me." Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hatband more firmly on his father's head, and the old gentleman, resuming his kicking with greater agility than before, tumbled with Mr. Stiggins through the bar, and through the passage, out MR. STIGGINS IS EJECTED. 403 at the front door, and so into the street; the kicking con- tinuing the whole way, and increasing in vehemence, rather than diminishing, every time the top-boot was lifted. It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see the red- nosed man writhing in Mr. Welter's grasp, and his whole frame quivering with anguish as kick followed kick in rapid succession ; it was a still more exciting spectacle to behold Mr. Weller, after a powerful struggle, immersing Mr. Stiggins's head in a horse-trough full of water, and holding it there, until he was half suffocated. " There ! " said Mr. Weller, throwing all his energy into one most complicated kick, as he at length permitted Mr. Stiggins to withdraw his head from the trough, "send any vun o 1 them lazy shepherds here, and Fll pound him to a jelly first, and drownd him artervards ! Sammy, help me in, and fill me a small glass of brandy. Fm out o" 1 breath, my boy." CHAPTER LIII. COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF MR. JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER; WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAY^S INN SQUARE. CONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE KNOCK AT MR. PERKER^S DOOR. WHEN Arabella, after some gentle preparation, and many assurances that there was not the least occasion for being- low-spirited, was at length made acquainted by Mr. Pickwick with the unsatisfactory result of his visit to Birmingham, she burst into tears, and sobbing aloud, lamented in moving terms that she should have been the unhappy cause of any estrangement between a father and his son. "My dear girl,"" said Mr. Pickwick, kindly, "it is no fault of yours. It was impossible to foresee that the old gentle- man would be so strongly prepossessed against his son's marriage, you know, I am sure," added Mr. Pickwick, glancing at her pretty face, "he can have very little idea of the pleasure he denies himself." "Oh my dear Mr. Pickwick," said Arabella, "what shall we do, if he continues to be angry with us?" "Why, wait patiently, my dear, until he thinks better of it," replied Mr. Pickwick, cheerfully. ** But, dear Mr. Pickwick, what is to become of Nathaniel if his father withdraws his assistance ? " urged Arabella. " In that case, my love," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, " I will venture to prophesy that he will find some other friend who will not be backward in helping him to start in the world." EARLY VISIT TO GRAY'S INN. 405 The significance of this reply was not so well disguised by Mr. Pickwick but that Arabella understood it. So, throwing her arms around his neck, and kissing him affec- tionately, she sobbed louder than before. " Come, come, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, taking her hand, " we will wait here a few days longer, and see whether he writes or takes any other notice of your husband's communication. If not, I have thought of half a dozen plans, any one of which would make you happy at once. There, my dear, there ! " With these words, Mr. Pickwick gently pressed Arabella's hand, and bade her dry her eyes, and not distress her husband. Upon which, Arabella, who was one of the best little creatures alive, put her handkerchief in her reticule, and by the time Mr. Winkle joined them, exhibited in full lustre the same beaming smiles and sparkling eyes that had originally capti- vated him. " This is a distressing predicament for these young people, 11 thought Mr. Pickwick, as he dressed himself next morning. " I'll walk up to Perker's, and consult him about the matter. 11 As Mr. Pickwick was further prompted to betake himself to Gray's Inn Square by an anxious desire to come to a pecuniary settlement with the kind-hearted little attorney without further delay, he made a hurried breakfast, and executed his intention so speedily, that ten o'clock had not struck when he reached Gray's Inn. It still wanted ten minutes to the hour when he had ascended the staircase on which Perker's chambers were. The clerks had not arrived yet, and he beguiled the time by looking out of the staircase window. The healthy light of a fine October morning made even the dingy old houses brighten up a little : some of the dusty windows actually looking almost cheerful as the sun's rays gleamed upon them. Clerk after clerk hastened into the square by one or other of the entrances, and looking up at the Hall clock, accelerated or decreased his rate of walking according to the time at which his office hours nominally commenced ; 406 THE PICKWICK CLUB. the half-past nine (/clock people suddenly becoming very brisk, and the ten o'clock gentlemen falling into a pace of most aristocratic slowness. The clock struck ten, and clerks poured in faster than ever, each one in a greater perspiration than his predecessor. The noise of unlocking and opening doors echoed and re-echoed on every side; heads appeared as if by magic in every window ; the porters took up their stations for the day; the slipshod laundresses hurried off; the postman ran from house to house; and the whole legal hive was in a bustle. " You're early, Mr. Pickwick, 11 said a voice behind him. "Ah, Mr. Lowten, 11 replied that gentleman, looking round, and recognising his old acquaintance. "Precious warm walking, isn't it? 11 said Lowten, drawing a Bramah key from his pocket, with a small plug therein, to keep the dust out. " You appear to feel it so, 11 rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling at the clerk, who was literally red hot. "I've come along rather, I can tell you, 11 replied Lowten. "It went the half hour as I came through the Polygon. Tin here before him, though, so I don't mind. 11 Comforting himself with this reflection, Mr. Lowten ex- tracted the plug from the door-key, and having opened the door, replugged and repocketed his Bramah, and picked up the letters which the postman had dropped through the box. He then ushered Mr. Pickwick into the office. Here, in the twinkling of an eye, he divested himself of his coat, put on a threadbare garment which he took out of a desk, hung up his hat, pulled forth a few sheets of cartridge and blotting-paper in alternate layers, and sticking a pen behind his ear, rubbed his hands with an air of great satisfaction. " There you see, Mr. Pickwick, 11 he said, " now Fm complete. I've got my office coat on, and my pad out, and let him come as soon as he likes. You haven^ got a pinch of snuff about you, have you ? " " No, I have not, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick. MR. JINGLE'S BUSINESS. 407 "Tin sorry for it,"" said Lowten. "Never mind. I'll run out presently, and get a bottle of soda. Don't I look rather queer about the eyes, Mr. Pickwick ? " The individual appealed to, surveyed Mr. Lowten's eyes from a distance, and expressed his opinion that no unusual queerness was perceptible in those features. " I'm glad of it," said Lowten. " We were keeping it up pretty tolerably at the Stump last night, and I'm rather out of sorts this morning. Perker's been about that business of yours, by the bye." " What business ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Mrs. Bardell's costs ? " "No, I don't mean that," replied Mr. Lowten. "About getting that customer that we paid the ten shillings in the pound to the bill discounter for, on your account to get him out of the Fleet, you know about getting him to Demerara." "Oh? Mr. Jingle?" said Mr. Pickwick, hastily. "Yes. Well?" "Well, it's all arranged," said Lowten, mending his pen. "The agent at Liverpool said he had been obliged to you many times when you were in business, and he would be glad to take him on your recommendation." "That's well," said Mr. Pickwick. "I am delighted to hear it." " But I say," resumed Lowten, scraping the back of the pen preparatory to making a fresh split, "what a soft chap that other is ! " "Which other?" "Why, that servant, or friend, or whatever he is; yon know; Trotter." "Ah?" said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. "I always thought him the reverse." " Well, and so did I, from what little I saw of him," replied Lowten, "it only shows how one may be deceived. What do you think of his going to Demerara, too ? " 408 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "What! And giving up what was offered him here! 11 exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. "Treating Perker's offer of eighteen bob a- week, and a rise if he behaved himself, like dirt," replied Lowten. " He said he must go along with the other one, and so they persuaded Perker to write again, and they've got him some- thing on the same estate ; not near so good, Perker says, as a convict would get in New South Wales, if he appeared at his trial in a new suit of clothes. 1 " "Foolish fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, with glistening eyes. "Foolish fellow." "Oh, it's worse than foolish; it's downright sneaking, you know," replied Lowten, nibbing the pen with a contemptuous face. " He says that he's the only friend he ever had, and he's attached to him, and all that. Friendship's a very good thing in its way : we are all very friendly and comfortable at the Stump, for instance, over our grog, where every man pays for himself; but damn hurting yourself for anybody else, you know ! No man should have more than two attachments the first, to number one, and the second to the ladies; that's what I say ha ! ha ! " Mr. Lowten concluded with a loud laugh, half in jocularity, and half in derision, which was prematurely cut short by the sound of Perker's footsteps on the stairs : at the first approach of which, he vaulted on his stool with an agility most remarkable, and wrote intensely. The greeting between Mr. Pickwick and his professional adviser was warm and cordial ; the client was scarcely ensconced in the attorney's arm chair, however, when a knock was heard at the door, and a voice inquired whether Mr. Perker was within. " Hark ! " said Perker, " that's one of our vagabond friends Jingle himself, my dear sir. Will you see him ? ** "What do you think?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, hesitating. " Yes, I think you had better. Here, you sir, what's your name, walk in, will you ? " In compliance with this unceremonious invitation, Jingle MR. JINGLE AT MR. PERKER'S. 409 and Job walked into the room, but, seeing Mr. Pickwick, stopped short in some confusion. "Well," said Perker, "don't you know that gentleman?" " Good reason to," replied Mr. Jingle, stepping forward. "Mr. Pickwick deepest obligations life preserver made a man of me you shall never repent it, sir." "I am happy to hear you say so," said Mr. Pickwick. " You look much better." "Thanks to you, sir great change Majesty's Fleet unwholesome place very," said Jingle, shaking his head. He was decently and cleanly dressed, and so was Job, who stood bolt upright behind him, staring at Mr. Pickwick with a visage of iron. " When do they go to Liverpool ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick, half aside to Perker. "This evening, sir, at seven o'clock," said Job, taking one step forward. "By the heavy coach from the city, sir." " Are your places taken ? " "They are, sir," replied Job. " You have fully made up your mind to go ? " "I have, sir," answered Job. "With regard to such an outfit as was indispensable for Jingle," said Perker, addressing Mr. Pickwick aloud, "I have taken upon myself to make an arrangement for the deduction of a small sum from his quarterly salary, which, being made only for one year, and regularly remitted, will provide for that expense. I entirely disapprove of your doing anything for him, my dear sir, which is not dependent on his own exertions and good conduct.*' " Certainly," interposed Jingle, with great firmness. " Clear head man of the world quite right perfectly." "By compounding with his creditor, releasing his clothes from the pawnbroker's, relieving him in prison, and paying for his passage," continued Perker, without noticing Jingle's observation, " you have already lost upwards of fifty pounds." "Not lost," said Jingle, hastily. "Pay it all stick to 410 THE PICKWICK CLUB. business cash up every farthing. Yellow fever, perhaps can't help that if not " Here Mr. Jingle paused, and striking the crown of his hat with great violence, passed his hand over his eyes, and sat down. " He means to say,' 1 said Job, advancing a few paces, " that if he is not carried off by the fever, he will pay the money back again. If he lives, he will, Mr. Pickwick. I will see it done. I know he will, sir, 11 said Job, with energy. "I could undertake to swear it. 11 "Well, well, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, who had been bestowing a score or two of frowns upon Perker, to stop his summary of benefits conferred, which the little attorney obstinately disregarded, "you must be careful not to play any more desperate cricket matches, Mr. Jingle, or to renew your acquaintance with Sir Thomas Blazo, and I have little doubt of your preserving your health. 11 Mr. Jingle smiled at this sally, but looked rather foolish notwithstanding; so, Mr. Pickwick changed the subject by saying, " You don't happen to know, do you, what has become of another friend of yours a more humble one, whom I saw at Rochester? 1 ' " Dismal Jemmy ? " inquired Jingle. " Yes. 11 Jingle shook his head. " Clever rascal queer fellow, hoaxing genius Job's brother." " Job's brother ! " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. " Well, now I look at him closely, there is a likeness." " We were always considered like each other, sir," said Job, with a cunning look just lurking in the corners of his eyes, "only I was really of a serious nature, and he never was. He emigrated to America, sir, in consequence of being too much sought after here, to be comfortable; and has never been heard of since." " That accounts for my not having received the page from the romance of real life, 1 which he promised me one morning A LAST CHANCE. 411 when he appeared to be contemplating suicide on Rochester Bridge, I suppose," said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. " I need not inquire whether his dismal behaviour was natural or assumed."" " He could assume anything, sir," said Job. " You may consider yourself very fortunate in having escaped him so easily. On intimate terms he would have been even a more dangerous acquaintance than " Job looked at Jingle, hesitated, and finally added, " than than myself even." " A hopeful family yours, Mr. Trotter," said Perker, sealing a letter which he had just finished writing. " Yes, sir," replied Job. " Very much so."" " Well," said the little man, laughing ; " I hope you are going to disgrace it. Deliver this letter to the agent when you reach Liverpool, and let me advise you, gentlemen, not to be too knowing in the West Indies. If you throw away this chance, you will both richly deserve to be hanged, as I sincerely trust you will be. And now you had better leave Mr. Pickwick and me alone, for we have other matters to talk over, and time is precious." As Perker said this, he looked towards the door, with an evident desire to render the leave- taking as brief as possible. It was brief enough on Mr. Jingle's part. He thanked the little attorney in a few hurried words for the kindness and promptitude with which he had rendered his assistance, and, turning to his benefactor, stood for a few seconds as if irresolute what to say or how to act. Job Trotter relieved his perplexity; for, with a humble and a grateful bow to Mr. Pickwick, he took his friend gently by the arm, and led him away. " A worthy couple ! " said Perker, as the door closed behind them. "I hope they may become so," replied Mr. Pickwick. " What do you think ? Is there any chance of their per- manent reformation ? " Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully, but observing Mr. Pickwick's anxious and disappointed look, rejoined : 412 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Of course there is a chance. I hope it may prove a good one. They are unquestionably penitent now; but then, you know, they have the recollection of very recent suffering fresh upon them. What they may become, when that fades away, is a problem that neither you nor I can solve. However, my dear sir, 11 added Perker, laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick^ shoulder, "your object is equally honourable, whatever the result is. Whether that species of benevolence which is so very cautious and long-sighted that it is seldom exercised at all, lest its owner should be imposed upon, and so wounded in his self-love, be real charity or a worldly counterfeit, I leave to wiser heads than mine to determine. But if those two fellows were to commit a burglary to-morrow, my opinion of this action would be equally high. 11 With these remarks, which were delivered in a much more animated and earnest manner than is usual in legal gentlemen, Perker drew his chair to his desk, and listened to Mr. Pick- wick^ recital of old Mr. Winkled obstinacy. "Give him a week, 11 said Perker, nodding his head pro- phetically. " Do you think he will come round ? " inquired Mr. Pick- wick. " I think he will, 11 rejoined Perker. " If not, we must try the young lady^ persuasion; and that is what anybody but you, would have done at first. 11 Mr. Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with various gro- tesque contractions of countenance, eulogistic of the persuasive powers appertaining unto young ladies, when the murmur of inquiry and answer was heard in the outer office, and Lowten tapped at the door. " Come in ! " cried the little man. The clerk came in, and shut the door after him, with great mystery. "What's the matter? 11 inquired Perker. " YouVe wanted, sir. 11 "Who wants me?" MESSRS. DODSON AND FOGG. 413 Lowten looked at Mr. Pickwick, and coughed. " Who wants me ? Can't you speak, Mr. Lowten ? " "Why, sir," replied Lowten, "it's Dodson; and Fogg is with him." " Bless my life ! " said the little man, looking at his watch, "I appointed them to be here, at half-past eleven, to settle that matter of yours, Pickwick. I gave them an undertaking on which they sent down your discharge; it's very awkward, my dear sir ; what will you do ? Would you like to step into the next room ? " The next room being the identical room in which Messrs. Dodson and Fogg were, Mr. Pickwick replied that he would remain where he was : the more especially as Messrs. Dodson and Fogg ought to be ashamed to look him in the face, instead of his being ashamed to see them. Which latter circumstance he begged Mr. Perker to note, with a glowing countenance and many marks of indignation. " Very well, my dear sir, very well," replied Perker, " I can only say that if you expect either Dodson or Fogg to exhibit any symptom of shame or confusion at having to look you, or anybody else, in the face, you are the most sanguine man in your expectations that / ever met with. Show them in, Mr. Lowten." Mr. Lowten disappeared with a grin, and immediately returned ushering in the firm, in due form of precedence : Dodson first, and Fogg afterwards. " You have seen Mr. Pickwick, I believe ? " said Perker to Dodson, inclining his pen in the direction where that gentle- man was seated. " How do you do, Mr. Pickwick ? " said Dodson in a loud voice. " Dear me," cried Fogg, " how do you do, Mr. Pickwick ? I hope you are well, sir. I thought I knew the face," said Fogg, drawing up a chair, and looking round him with a smile. Mr. Pickwick bent his head very slightly, in answer to 414 THE PICKWICK CLUB. these salutations, and, seeing Fogg pull a bundle of papers from his coat-pocket, rose and walked to the window. " There's no occasion for Mr. Pickwick to move, Mr. Perker," said Fogg, untying the red tape which encircled the little bundle, and smiling again more sweetly than before. "Mr. Pickwick is pretty well acquainted with these proceedings. There are no secrets between us, I think. He ! he ! he ! " "Not many, I think," said Dodson. "Ha! ha! ha!" Then both the partners laughed together pleasantly and cheerfully, as men who are going to receive money, often do. "We shall make Mr. Pickwick pay for peeping," said Fogg, with considerable native humour, as he unfolded his papers. "The amount of the taxed costs is one hundred and thirty three, six, four, Mr. Perker." There was a great comparing of papers, and turning over of leaves, by Fogg and Perker, after this statement of profit and loss. Meanwhile, Dodson said in an affable manner to Mr. Pickwick : "I don't think you are looking quite so stout as when I had the pleasure of seeing you last, Mr. Pickwick." "Possibly not, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, who had been flashing forth looks of fierce indignation, without producing the smallest effect on either of the sharp practitioners ; "I believe I am not, sir. I have been persecuted and annoyed by Scoundrels of late, sir." Perker coughed violently, and asked Mr. Pickwick whether he wouldn't like to look at the morning paper? To which inquiry Mr. Pickwick returned a most decided negative. "True," said Dodson, "I dare say you have been annoyed in the Fleet ; there are some odd gentry there. Whereabouts were your apartments, Mr. Pickwick ? " "My one room," replied that much-injured gentleman, "was on the Coffee Room flight." "Oh, indeed!" said Dodson. "I believe that is a very pleasant part of the establishment." "Very," replied Mr. Pickwick drily. MR. DODSON BEARS NO ILL-WILL. 415 There was a coolness about all this, which, to a gentleman of an excitable temperament, had, under the circumstances, rather an exasperating tendency. Mr. Pickwick restrained his wrath by gigantic efforts ; but when Perker wrote a cheque for the whole amount, and Fogg deposited it in a small pocket-book with a triumphant smile playing over his pimply features which communicated itself likewise to the stern countenance of Dodson, he felt the blood in his cheeks tingling with indignation. " Now, Mr. Dodson, 11 said Fogg, putting up the pocket-book and drawing on his gloves, " I am at your service." "Very good, 11 said Dodson, rising, "I am quite ready."" "I am very happy, 11 said Fogg, softened by the cheque, " to have had the pleasure of making Mr. Pickwick's acquaint- ance. I hope you don^ think quite so ill of us, Mr. Pickwick, as when we first had the pleasure of seeing you. 11 "I hope not, 11 said Dodson, with the high tone of calum- niated virtue. " Mr. Pickwick now knows us better. I trust : whatever your opinion of gentlemen of our profession may be, I beg to assure you, sir, that I bear no ill-will or vindictive feeling towards you for the sentiments you thought proper to express in our office in Freeman^ Court, Cornhill, on the occasion to which my partner has referred. 11 " Oh no, no ; nor I, 11 said Fogg, in a most forgiving manner. "Our conduct, sir, 11 said Dodson, "will speak for itself, and justify itself I hope, upon every occasion. We have been in the profession some years, Mr. Pickwick, and have been honoured with the confidence of many excellent clients. I wish you good morning, sir. 11 " Good morning, Mr. Pickwick, 11 said Fogg. So saying, he put his umbrella under his arm, drew off" his right glove, and extended the hand of reconciliation to that most indignant gentleman : who, thereupon, thrust his hands beneath his coat tails, and eyed the attorney with looks of scornful amazement. "Lowten! 11 cried Perker at this moment. "Open the door. 11 416 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Wait one instant," said Mr. Pickwick, "Perker, I will speak."" "My dear sir, pray let the matter rest where it is, 1 ' said the little attorney, who had been in a state of nervous apprehension during the whole interview ; " Mr. Pickwick, I beg! 11 " I will not be put down, sir, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. " Mr. Dodson, you have addressed some remarks to me. 11 Dodson turned round, bent his head meekly, and smiled. "Some remarks to me, 11 repeated Mr. Pickwick, almost breathless; "and your partner has tendered me his hand, and you have both assumed a tone of forgiveness and high- mindedness, which is an extent of impudence that I was not prepared for, even in you. 11 " What, sir ! " exclaimed Dodson. " What, sir ! " reiterated Fogg. "Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots and conspiracies ? " continued Mr. Pickwick. " Do you know that I am the man whom you have been imprisoning and robbing? Do you know that you were the attorneys for the plaintiff, in Bardell and Pickwick? 11 " Yes, sir, we do know it, 11 replied Dodson. " Of course we know it, sir, 11 rejoined Fogg, slapping his pocket perhaps by accident. "I see that you recollect it with satisfaction, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, attempting to call up a sneer for the first time in his life, and failing most signally in so doing. "Although I have long been anxious to tell you, in plain terms, what my opinion of you is, I should have let even this opportunity pass, in deference to my friend Perker^ wishes, but for the unwarrantable tone you have assumed, and your insolent familiarity. I say insolent familiarity, sir, 11 said Mr. Pickwick, turning upon Fogg with a fierceness of gesture which caused that person to retreat towards the door with great expedition. "Take care, sir, 11 said Dodson, who, though he was the biggest man of the party, had prudently intrenched himself A PIECE OF MR. PICKWICK'S MIND. 417 behind Fogg, and was speaking over his head with a very pale face. " Let him assault you, Mr. Fogg ; don't return it on any account." " No, no, I won't return it," said Fogg, falling back a little more as he spoke; to the evident relief of his partner, who by these means was gradually getting into the outer office. " You are," continued Mr. Pickwick, resuming the thread of his discourse, "you are a well-matched pair of mean, rascally, pettifogging robbers." "Well," interposed Perker, "is that all?" "It is all summed up in that," rejoined Mr. Pickwick; " they are mean, rascally, pettifogging robbers." " There ! " said Perker in a most conciliatory tone. " My dear sirs, he has said all he has to say. Now pray go. Lowten, is that door open?" Mr. Lowten, with a distant giggle, replied in the affirmative. "There, there good morning good morning now pray, my dear sirs, Mr. Lowten, the door ! " cried the little man, pushing Dodson and Fogg, nothing loath, out of the office; "this way, my dear sirs, now pray don't prolong this dear me Mr. Lowten the door, sir why don't you attend?" "If there's law in England, sir," said Dodson, looking towards Mr. Pickwick, as he put on his hat, "you shall smart for this." "You are a couple of mean " "Remember, sir, you pay dearly for this," said Fogg. " Rascally, pettifogging robbers!" continned Mr. Pick- wick, taking not the least notice of the threats that were addressed to him. " Robbers ! " cried Mr. Pickwick, running to the stair-head, as the two attorneys descended. " Robbers ! " shouted Mr. Pickwick, breaking from Lowten and Perker, and thrusting his head out of the staircase window. When Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, his countenance was smiling and placid ; and, walking quietly back into the office, he declared that he had now removed a great weight VOL. II. 2 E 418 THE PICKWICK CLUB. from his mind, and that he felt perfectly comfortable and happy. Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuff- box, and sent Lowten out to fill it, when he was seized with a fit of laughing, which lasted five minutes ; at the expiration of which time he said that he supposed he ought to be very angry, but he couldn't think of the business seriously yet when he could, he would be. " Well, now," said Mr. Pickwick, " let me have a settlement with you." "Of the same kind as the last?" inquired Perker, with another laugh. "Not exactly," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, drawing out his pocket-book, and shaking the little man heartily by the hand, " I only mean a pecuniary settlement. You have done me many acts of kindness that I can never repay, and have no wish to repay, for I prefer continuing the obligation." With this preface, the two friends dived into some very complicated accounts and vouchers, which, having been duly displayed and gone through by Perker, were at once discharged by Mr. Pickwick with many professions of esteem and friend- ship. They had no sooner arrived at this point, than a most violent and startling knocking was heard at the door ; it was not an ordinary double knock, but a constant and uninterrupted succession of the loudest single raps, as if the knocker were endowed with the perpetual motion, or the person outside had forgotten to leave off. " Dear me, what's that ! " exclaimed Perker, starting. "I think it is a knock at the door," said Mr. Pickwick, as if there could be the smallest doubt of the fact ! The knocker made a more energetic reply than words could have yielded, for it continued to hammer with surprising force and noise, without a moment's cessation. " Dear me ! " said Perker, ringing his bell, " we shall alarm the Inn. Mr. Lowten, don't you hear a knock ? " REPEATED KNOCKING. 419 " Til answer the door in one moment, sir," replied the clerk. The knocker appeared to hear the response, and to assert that it was quite impossible he could wait so long. It made a stupendous uproar. ' It's quite dreadful," said Mr. Pickwick, stopping his ears. "Make haste, Mr. Lowten," Perker called out, "we shall have the panels beaten in." Mr. Lowten, who was washing his hands in a dark closet, hurried to the door, and turning the handle, beheld the appearance which is described in the next chapter. CHAFFER LIV. CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG WHICH CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE TO MR. SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANS IRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY. THE object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonished clerk, was a boy a wonderfully fat boy habited as a serving lad, standing upright on the mat, with his eyes closed as if in sleep. He had never seen such a fat boy, in or out of a travelling caravan; and this, coupled with the calmness and repose of his appearance, so very different from what was reasonably to have been expected of the inflicter of such knocks, smote him with wonder. "What's the matter?" inquired the clerk. The extraordinary boy replied not a word ; but he nodded once, and seemed, to the clerk^s imagination, to snore feebly. " Where do you come from ? " inquired the clerk. The boy made no sign. He breathed heavily, but in all other respects was motionless. The clerk repeated the question thrice, and receiving no answer, prepared to shut the door, when the boy suddenly opened his eyes, winked several times, sneezed once, and raised his hand as if to repeat the knocking. Finding the door open, he stared about him with astonishment, and at length fixed his eyes on Mr. Lowten's face. MR. WARDLE AT GRAY'S INN. 421 " What the devil do you knock in that way for ? " inquired the clerk, angrily. "Which way?" said the boy, in a slow and sleepy voice. " Why, like forty hackney-coachmen,"" replied the clerk. " Because master said, I wasn't to leave off knocking till they opened the door, for fear I should go to sleep,"" said the' boy. " Well," said the clerk, " what message have you brought ? " " He's down stairs, 11 rejoined the boy. "Who?" " Master. He wants to know whether you're at home." Mr. Lowten bethought himself, at this juncture, of looking out of the window. Seeing an open carriage with a hearty old gentleman in it, looking up very anxiously, he ventured to beckon him ; on which, the old gentleman jumped out directly. "That's your master in the carriage, I suppose? 1 ' said Lowten. The boy nodded. All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of old Wardle, who, running up stairs, and just recognising Lowten, passed at once into Mr. Perker's room. " Pickwick ! " said the old gentleman. " Your hand, my boy ! Why have I never heard until the day before yesterday of your suffering yourself to be cooped up in jail ? And why did you let him do it, Perker ? " " I couldn't help it, my dear sir, 11 replied Perker, with a smile and a pinch of snuff: "you know how obstinate he is. 11 " Of course I do, of course I do," replied the old gentleman. "I am heartily glad to see him, notwithstanding. I will not lose sight of him again, in a hurry." With these words, Wardle shook Mr. Pickwick's hand once more, and, having done the same by Perker, threw himself into an arm-chair ; his jolly red face shining again with smiles and health. " Well ! " said Wardle. " Here are pretty goings on a 422 THE PICKWICK CLUB. pinch of your snuff, Perker, my boy never were such times, eh ? " " What do you mean ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Mean ! " replied Wardle. " Why, I think the girls are all running mad ; that's no news, you'll say ? Perhaps it's not ; but if s true, for all that." "You have not come up to London, of all places in the world, to tell us that, my dear sir, have you ? " inquired Perker. " No, not altogether, 11 replied Wardle ; " though it was the main cause of my coming. How's Arabella ? " "Very well," replied Mr. Pickwick, "and will be delighted to see you, I am sure."" "Black-eyed little jilt!" replied Wardle, "I had a great idea of marrying her myself, one of these odd days. But I am glad of it too, very glad." " How did the intelligence reach you ? " asked Mr. Pickwick. "Oh, it came to my girls, of course," replied Wardle. " Arabella wrote, the day before yesterday, to say she had made a stolen match without her husband's father's consent, and so you had gone down to get it when his refusing it couldn't prevent the match, and all the rest of it. I thought it a very good time to say something serious to my girls ; so I said what a dreadful thing it was that children should marry without their parents' consent, and so forth ; but, bless your hearts, I couldn't make the least impression upon them. They thought it such a much more dreadful thing that there should have been a wedding without bridesmaids, that I might as well have preached to Joe himself." Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh ; and having done so to his heart's content, presently resumed. "But this is not the best of it, it seems. This is only half the love-making and plotting that have been going forward. We have been walking on mines for the last six months, and they're sprung at last." MORE MARRYING. 423 "What do you mean!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning pale; "no other secret marriage, I hope?" " No, no," replied old Wardle ; " not so bad as that ; no." "What then?" inquired Mr. Pickwick; am I interested in it ? " "Shall I answer that question, Perker?" said Wardle. " If you don't commit yourself by doing so, my dear sir." "Well then, you are," said Wardle. " How ? " asked Mr. Pickwick anxiously. " In what way ? " "Really," replied Wardle, "you're such a fiery sort of young fellow that I am almost afraid to tell you ; but, how- ever, if Perker will sit between us to prevent mischief, I'll venture." Having closed the room-door, and fortified himself with another application to Perker's snuff-box, the old gentleman proceeded with his great disclosure in these words. " The fact is, that my daughter Bella Bella, who married young Trundle, you know." " Yes, yes, we know," said Mr. Pickwick impatiently. "Don't alarm me at the very beginning. My daughter Bella, Emily having gone to bed with a headache after she had read Arabella's letter to me, sat herself down by my side the other evening, and began to talk over this marriage affair. 'Well, pa, 1 she says, 'what do you think of it?' ' Why, my dear,' I said, * I suppose it's all very well ; I hope it's for the best.' I answered in this way because I was sitting before the fire at the time, drinking my grog rather thoughtfully, and I knew my throwing in an undecided word now and then, would induce her to continue talking. Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother, and as I grow old I like to sit with only them by me ; for their voices and looks carry me back to the happiest period of my life, and make me, for the moment, as young as I used to be then, though not quite so light-hearted. ' It's quite a marriage of affection, pa,' said Bella, after a short silence. 'Yes, my dear,' said I, ' but such marriages do not always turn out the happiest.' " 424 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " I question that, mind ! " interposed Mr. Pickwick, warmly. "Very good," responded Wardle, "question anything you like when it's your turn to speak, but don't interrupt me." " I beg your pardon," said Mr. Pickwick. "Granted," replied Wardle. "'I am sorry to hear you express your opinion against marriages of affection, pa, 1 said Bella, colouring a little. ' I was wrong ; I ought not to have said so, my dear, either,' said I, patting her cheek as kindly as a rough old fellow like me could pat it, * for your mother's was one, and so was yours.' * It's not that, I meant, pa,' said Bella. 'The fact is, pa, I wanted to speak to you about Emily.' " Mr. Pickwick started. "What's the matter now?" inquired Wardle, stopping in his narrative. " Nothing," replied Mr. Pickwick. " Pray go on." "I never could spin out a story," said Wardle abruptly. "It must come out, sooner or later, and it'll save us all a great deal of time if it comes at once. The long and the short of it is, then, that Bella at last mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was very unhappy ; that she and your young friend Snodgrass had been in constant correspondence and communication ever since last Christmas ; that she had very dutifully made up her mind to run away with him, in laudable imitation of her old friend and schoolfellow ; but that having some compunctions of conscience on the subject, inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly disposed to both of them, they had thought it better in the first instance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I would have any objection to their being married in the usual matter-of- fact manner. There now, Mr. Pickwick, if you can make it convenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again, and to let me hear what you think we ought to do, I shall feel rather obliged to you ! " The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered this last sentence was not wholly unwarranted; for MR. PICKWICK IS CONFOUNDED. 425 Mr. Pickwick's face had settled down into an expression of blank amazement and perplexity, quite curious to behold. " Snodgrass ! Since last Christmas ! " were the first broken words that issued from the lips of the confounded gentleman. "Since last Christmas," replied Wardle; "that's plain enough, and very bad spectacles we must have worn, not to have discovered it before." " I don't understand it," said Mr. Pickwick, ruminating ; " I really cannot understand it." "It's easy enough to understand," replied the choleric old gentleman. " If you had been a younger man, you would have been in the secret long ago ; and besides," added Wardle after a moment's hesitation, "the truth is, that, knowing nothing of this matter, I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months past, to receive favourably (if she could ; I would never attempt to force a girl's inclinations) the addresses of a young gentleman down in our neighbourhood. I have no doubt that, girl-like, to enhance her own value and increase the ardour of Mr. Snodgrass, she has represented this matter in very glowing colours, and that they have both arrived at the conclusion that they are a terribly persecuted pair of unfortunates, and have no resource but clandestine matrimony or charcoal. Now the question is, what's to be done?" " What have you done ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. "I!" *'I mean what did you do when your married daughter told you this?" " Oh, I made a fool of myself, of course," rejoined Wardle. "Just so," interposed Perker, who had accompanied this dialogue with sundry twitchings of his watch-chain, vindictive rubbings of his nose, and other symptoms of impatience. " That's very natural ; but how ? " "I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into a fit," said Wardle. " That was judicious," remarked Perker ; " and what else ? " " I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a great 426 THE PICKWICK CLUB. disturbance," rejoined the old gentleman. "At last I got tired of rendering myself unpleasant and making everybody miserable; so I hired a carriage at Muggleton, and, putting my own horses in it, came up to town, under pretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella." "Miss Wardle is with you, then? 11 said Mr. Pickwick. " To be sure she is, 11 replied Wardle. " She is at Osborne's hotel in the Adelphi at this moment, unless your enter- prising friend has run away with her since I came out this morning. 11 " You are reconciled, then ? " said Perker. " Not a bit of it, 11 answered Wardle ; " she has been crying and moping ever since, except last night, between tea and supper, when she made a great parade of writing a letter that I pretended to take no notice of. 11 "You want my advice in this matter, I suppose? 11 said Perker, looking from the musing face of Mr. Pickwick to the eager countenance of Wardle, and taking several consecutive pinches of his favourite stimulant. " I suppose so," said Wardle, looking at Mr. Pickwick. " Certainly," replied that gentleman. "Well then," said Perker, rising and pushing his chair back, "my advice is that you both walk away together, or ride away, or get away by some means or other, for I'm tired of you, and just talk this matter over between you. If you have not settled it by the next time I see you, Til tell you what to do. 11 " This is satisfactory," said Wardle, hardly knowing whether to smile or be offended. "Pooh, pooh, my dear sir," returned Perker. "I know you both a great deal better than you know yourselves. You have settled it already, to all intents and purposes." Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman poked his snuff-box, first into the chest of Mr. Pickwick, and then into the waistcoat of Mr. Wardle, upon which they all three laughed, but especially the two last-named gentlemen, who at THE FAT BOY SEES A SIGHT. 427 once shook hands again, without any obvious or particular reason. " You dine with me to-day," said Wardle to Perker, as he showed them out. " Can't promise, my dear sir, can't promise,"" replied Perker. "Til look in, in the evening, at all events."" "I shall expect you at five," said Wardle. "Now, Joe!" And Joe having been at length awakened, the two friends departed in Mr. Wardle's carriage, which in common humanity had a dickey behind for the fat boy, who. if there had been a foot-board instead, would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first nap. Driving to the George and Vulture, they found that Arabella and her maid had sent for a hackney-coach immediately on the receipt of a short note from Emily announcing her arrival in town, and had proceeded straight to the Adelphi. As Wardle had business to transact in the city, they sent the carriage and the fat boy to his hotel, with the information that he and Mr. Pickwick would return together to dinner at five o'clock. Charged with this message, the fat boy returned, slumbering as peaceably in his dickey, over the stones, as if it had been a down bed on watch-springs. By some extraordinary miracle he awoke of his own accord, when the coach stopped, and giving himself a good shake to stir up his faculties, went up stairs to execute his commission. Now, whether the shake had jumbled the fat boy's faculties together, instead of arranging them in proper order, or had roused such a quantity of new ideas within him as to render him oblivious of ordinary forms and ceremonies, or (which is also possible) had proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling asleep as he ascended the stairs, it is an undoubted fact that he walked into the sitting-room without previously knocking at the door ; and so beheld a gentleman with his arms clasping his young mistress's waist, sitting very lovingly by her side on a sofa, while Arabella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorbed in looking out of a window at the other end of 428 THE PICKWICK CLUB. the room. At sight of this phenomenon, the fat boy uttered an interjection, the ladies a scream, and the gentleman an oath, almost simultaneously. "Wretched creature, what do you want here?" said the gentleman, who it is needless to say was Mr. Snodgrass. To this the fat boy, considerably terrified, briefly responded, " Missis." " What do you want me for ? " inquired Emily, turning her head aside, " you stupid creature ! " " Master and Mr. Pickwick is a going to dine here at five,"" replied the fat boy. " Leave the room ! " said Mr. Snodgrass, glaring upon the bewildered youth. " No, no, no," added Emily hastily. " Bella, dear, advise me." Upon this, Emily and Mr. Snodgrass, and Arabella and Mary, crowded into a corner, and conversed earnestly in whispers for some minutes, during which the fat boy dozed. "Joe," said Arabella, at length, looking round with a most bewitching smile, " how do you do, Joe ? " "Joe," said Emily, "you're a very good boy; I won't forget you, Joe." "Joe," said Mr. Snodgrass, advancing to the astonished youth, and seizing his hand, "I didn't know you before. There's five shillings for you, Joe ! " "Til owe you five, Joe," said Arabella, "for old acquaint- ance sake, you know ; " and another most captivating smile was bestowed upon the corpulent intruder. The fat boy's perception being slow, he looked rather puzzled at first to account for this sudden prepossession in his favour, and stared about him in a very alarming manner. At length his broad face began to show symptoms of a grin of proportionately broad dimensions ; and then, thrusting half- a-crown into each of his pockets, and a hand and wrist after it, he burst into a hoarse laugh : being for the first and only time in his existence. " He understands us, I see," said Arabella. MARY DINES WITH THE FAT BOY. 429 "He had better have something to eat, immediately,'"' remarked Emily. The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion. Mary, after a little more whispering, tripped forth from the group, and said : " I am going to dine with you to-day, sir, if you have na objection."" "This way," said the fat boy, eagerly. "There is such a jolly meat pie !" With these words, the fat boy led the way down stairs ; his pretty companion captivating all the waiters and angering all the chambermaids as she followed him to the eating-room. There was the meat-pie of which the youth had spoken so feelingly, and there were, moreover, a steak, and a dish of potatoes, and a pot of porter. " Sit down," said the fat boy. " Oh, my eye, how prime ! I am so hungry." Having apostrophised his eye, in a species of rapture, five or six times, the youth took the head of the little table, and Mary seated herself at the bottom. " Will you have some of this ? " said the fat boy, plunging into the pie up to the very ferules of the knife and fork. " A little, if you please," replied Mary. The fat boy assisted Mary to a little, and himself to a great deal, and was just going to begin eating when he suddenly laid down his knife and fork, leant forward in his chair, and letting his hands, with the knife and fork in them, fall on his knees, said, very slowly : " I say ! How nice you look ! " This was said in an admiring manner, and was, so far, gratifying ; but still there was enough of the cannibal in the young gentleman's eyes to render the compliment a double one. "Dear me, Joseph," said Mary, affecting to blush, "what do you mean ? "" The fat boy gradually recovering his former position, 430 THE PICKWICK CLUB. replied with a heavy sigh, and remaining thoughtful for a few moments, drank a long draught of the porter. Having achieved this feat he sighed again, and applied himself assidu- ously to the pie. "What a nice young lady Miss Emily is!" said Mary, after a long silence. The fat boy had by this time finished the pie. He fixed his eyes on Mary, and replied : " I knows a nicerer." " Indeed ! " said Mary. " Yes, indeed ! " replied the fat boy, with unwonted vivacity. "What's her name?" inquired Mary. "What's yours?" "Mary." "So's hers," said the fat boy. "You're her." The boy grinned to add point to the compliment, and put his eyes into something between a squint and a cast, which there is reason to believe he intended for an ogle. " You mustn't talk to me in that way," said Mary ; " you don't mean it." " Don't I, though ? " replied the fat boy ; "I say ! " "Well." "Are you going to come here regular?" " No," rejoined Mary, shaking her head, " I'm going away again to-night. Why ? " " Oh ! " said the fat boy in a tone of strong feeling ; " how we should have enjoyed ourselves at meals, if you had been ! " "I might come here sometimes, perhaps, to see you," said Mary, plaiting the table-cloth in assumed coyness, " if you would do me a favour." The fat boy looked from the pie-dish to the steak, as if he thought a favour must be in a manner connected with something to eat ; and then took out one of the half-crowns and glanced at it nervously. "Don't you understand me?" said Mary, looking slyly in his fat face. TENDER AS WELL AS FAT. 431 Again he looked at the half-crown, and said faintly, " No." " The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentle- man about the young gentleman having been up stairs; and I want you too." "Is that all?" said the fat boy, evidently very much relieved as he pocketed the half-crown again. " Of course I ain't a going to."" " You see," said Mary, " Mr. Snodgrass is very fond of Miss Emily, and Miss Emily's very fond of him, and if you were to tell about it, the old gentleman would carry you all away miles into the country, where you'd see nobody." " No, no, I won't tell," said the fat boy, stoutly. " That's a dear," said Mary. " Now it's time I went up stairs, and got my lady ready for dinner." "Don't go yet," urged the fat boy. " I must," replied Mary. " Good bye, for the present." The fat boy, with elephantine playfulness, stretched out his arms to ravish a kiss ; but as it required no great agility to elude him, his fair enslaver had vanished before he closed them again; upon which the apathetic youth ate a pound or so of steak with a sentimental countenance, and fell fast asleep. There was so much to say up stairs, and there were so many plans to concert for elopement and matrimony in the event of old Wardle continuing to be cruel, that it wanted only half an hour of dinner when Mr. Snodgrass took his final adieu. The ladies ran to Emily's bedroom to dress, and the lover taking up his hat, walked out of the room. He had scarcely got outside the door, when he heard Wardle's voice talking loudly, and looking over the banisters, beheld him, followed by some other gentlemen, coming straight up stairs. Knowing nothing of the house, Mr. Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room he had just quitted, and passing from thence into an inner apartment (Mr. Wardle's bed-chamber), closed the door softly, just as the persons he had caught a glimpse of, entered the sitting-room. 432 THE PICKWICK CLUB. These were Mr. Wardle, Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle, and Mr. Benjamin Allen, whom he had no difficulty in recog- nising by their voices. "Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them,' 1 thought Mr. Snodgrass with a smile, and walking on tiptoe to another door near the bedside ; " this opens into the same passage, and I can walk, quietly and comfortably, away."" There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comforcably away, which was that the door was locked and the key gone. " Let us have some of your best wine to-day, waiter," said old Wardle, rubbing his hands. "You shall have some of the very best, sir," replied the waiter. "Let the ladies know we have come in." "Yes, sir." Devoutly and ardently did Mr. Snodgrass wish that the ladies could know he had come in. He ventured once to whisper "Waiter!" through the keyhole, but as the probability of the wrong waiter coming to his relief, flashed upon his mind, together with a sense of the strong resemblance between his own situation and that in which another gentleman had been recently found in a neighbouring hotel (an account of whose misfortunes had appeared under the head of " Police " in that morning's paper), he sat himself on a portmanteau, and trembled violently. " We won't wait a minute for Perker," said Wardle, looking at his watch ; " he is always exact. He will be here, in time, if he means to come ; and if he does not, it's of no use waiting. Ha! Arabella!" "My sister!" exclaimed Mr. Benjamin Allen, folding her in a most romantic embrace. " Oh, Ben, dear, how you do smell of tobacco," said Arabella, rather overcome by this mark of affection. "Do I?" said Mr. Benjamin Allen, "Do I, Bella? Well, perhaps I do." MR. BEN ALLEN MEETS HIS SISTER. 433 Perhaps he did; having just left a pleasant little smoking party of twelve medical students, in a small back parlour with a large fire. "But I am delighted to see you," said Mr, Ben Allen. " Bless you, Bella ! " " There," said Arabella, bending forward to kiss her brother ; " don't take hold of me again, Ben dear, because you tumble me so." At this point of the reconciliation, Mr. Ben Allen allowed his feelings and the cigars and porter to overcome him, and looked round upon the beholders with damp spectacles. "Is nothing to be said to me?" cried Wardle with open arms. "A great deal," whispered Arabella, as she received the old gentleman's hearty caress and congratulation. "You are a hard-hearted, unfeeling, cruel, monster ! " " You are a little rebel," replied Wardle, in the same tone, " and I am afraid I shall be obliged to forbid you the house. People like you, who get married in spite of everybody, ought not to be let loose on society. But come ! " added the old gentleman aloud, " Here's the dinner ; you shall sit by me. Joe ; why, damn the boy, he's awake ! " To the great distress of his master, the fat boy was indeed in a state of remarkable vigilance ; his eyes being wide open, and looking as if they intended to remain so. There was an alacrity in his manner, too, which was equally unaccountable ; every time his eyes met those of Emily or Arabella, he smirked and grinned ; once, Wardle could have sworn he saw him wink. This alteration in the fat boy's demeanour, originated in his increased sense of his own importance, and the dignity he acquired from having been taken into the confidence of the young ladies; and the smirks, and grins, and winks, were so many condescending assurances that they might depend upon his fidelity. As these tokens were rather calculated to awaken suspicion than allay it, and were somewhat embarrassing besides, they were occasionally answered by a frown or shake 434 THE PICKWICK CLUB. of the head from Arabella, which the fat boy considering as hints to be on his guard, expressed his perfect understand- ing of, by smirking, grinning, and winking, with redoubled assiduity. " Joe," said Mr. Wardle, after an unsuccessful search in all his pockets, " is my snuff-box on the sofa ? " "No, sir," replied the fat boy. "Oh, I recollect; I left it on my dressing-table this morning," said Wardle. "Run into the next room and fetch it." The fat boy went into the next room ; and having been absent about a minute, returned with the snuff-box, and the palest face that ever a fat boy wore. " What's the matter with the boy ! " exclaimed Wardle. " Nothen's the matter with me," replied Joe, nervously. "Have you been seeing any spirits?" inquired the old gentleman. "Or taking any?" added Ben Allen. " I think you're right," whispered Wardle across the table. " He is intoxicated, I'm sure." Ben Allen replied that he thought he was; and as that gentleman had seen a vast deal of the disease in question, Wardle was confirmed in an impression which had been hovering about his mind for half an hour, and at once arrived at the conclusion that the fat boy was drunk. " Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes," murmured Wardle. "We shall soon find out whether he is or not." The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a dozen words with Mr. Snodgrass : that gentleman having implored him to make a private appeal to some friend to release him, and then pushed him out with the snuff-box, lest his prolonged absence should lead to a discovery. He ruminated a little with a most disturbed expression of face, and left the room in search of Mary. But Mary had gone home after dressing her mistress, and the fat boy came back again more disturbed than before, THE FAT BOY IS MYSTERIOUS. 435 Wardle and Mr. Ben Allen exchanged glances. " Joe ! " said Wardle. " Yes, sir." "What did you go away for?" The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of everybody at table, and stammered out, that he didn't know. "Oh," said Wardle, "you don't know, eh? Take this cheese to Mr. Pickwick."" Now, Mr. Pickwick being in the very best health and spirits, had been making himself perfectly delightful all dinner-time, and was at this moment engaged in an energetic conversation with Emily and Mr. Winkle : bowing his head, courteously, in the emphasis of his discourse, gently waving his left hand to lend force to his observations, and all glowing with placid smiles. He took a piece of cheese from the plate, and was on the point of turning round to renew the conversation, when the fat boy, stooping so as to bring his head on a level with that of Mr. Pickwick, pointed with his thumb over his shoulder, and made the most horrible and hideous face that was ever seen out of a Christmas pantomime. " Dear me ! " said Mr. Pickwick, starting, " what a very eh ? " He stopped, for the fat boy had drawn himself up, and was, or pretended to be, fast asleep. " What's the matter ? " inquired Wardle. "This is such an extremely singular lad!" replied Mr. Pickwick, looking uneasily at the boy. " It seems an odd thing to say, but upon my word I am afraid that, at times, he is a little deranged." " Oh ! Mr. Pickwick, pray don't say so," cried Emily and Arabella, both at once. " I am not certain, of course," said Mr. Pickwick, amidst profound silence, and looks of general dismay ; " but his manner to me this moment was really very alarming. Oh ! " ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, suddenly jumping up with a short scream. " I beg your pardon, ladies, but at that moment he ran some sharp instrument into my leg. Really he is not safe." 436 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "He's drunk," roared old Wardle, passionately. "Ring the bell ! Call the waiters ! He's drunk." " I ain't," said the fat boy, falling on his knees as his master seized him by the collar. " I ain't drunk." " Then you're mad ; that's worse. Call the waiters," said the old gentleman. "I ain't mad; I'm sensible," rejoined the fat boy, beginning to cry. "Then, what the devil do you run sharp instruments into Mr. Pickwick's legs for ? " inquired Wardle, angrily. "He wouldn't look at me," replied the boy. "I wanted to speak to him." "What did you want to say?" asked half a dozen voices at once. The fat boy gasped, looked at the bedroom door, gasped again, and wiped two tears away with the knuckle of each of his forefingers. " What did you want to say ? " demanded Wardle, shaking him. "Stop!" said Mr. Pickwick; "allow me. What did you wish to communicate to me, my poor boy?" " I want to whisper to you," replied the fat boy. "You want to bite his ear off, I suppose," said Wardle. "Don't come near him; he's vicious; ring the bell, and let him be taken down stairs." Just as Mr. Winkle caught the bell-rope in his hand, it was arrested by a general expression of astonishment ; the captive lover, his face burning with confusion, suddenly walked in from the bedroom, and made a comprehensive bow to the company. " Hallo ! " cried Wardle, releasing the fat boy's collar, and staggering back, " What's this ! " "I have been concealed in the next room, sir, since you returned," explained Mr. Snodgrass. " Emily, my girl," said Wardle, reproachfully, "I detest meanness and deceit ; this is unjustifiable and indelicate in the THE CAPTIVE LOVER'S EXPLANATION. 437 highest degree. I don't deserve this at your hands, Emily, indeed ! " "Dear papa," said Emily, "Arabella knows everybody here knows Joe knows that I was no party to this conceal- ment. Augustus, for Heaven's sake, explain it ! " Mr. Snodgrass, who had only waited for a hearing, at once recounted how he had been placed in his then distressing predicament ; how the fear of giving rise to domestic dissensions had alone prompted him to avoid Mr. Wardle on his entrance ; how he merely meant to depart by another door, but, finding it locked, had been compelled to stay against his will. It was a painful situation to be placed in ; but he now regretted it the less, inasmuch as it afforded him an opportunity of acknowledging, before their mutual friends, that he loved Mr. Wardle's daughter, deeply and sincerely ; that he was proud to avow that the feeling was mutual ; and that if thousands of miles were placed between them, or oceans rolled their waters, he could never for an instant forget those happy days, when first and so on. Having delivered himself to this effect, Mr. Snodgrass bowed again, looked into the crown of his hat, and stepped towards the door. "Stop!" shouted Wardle. "Why, in the name of all that's " " Inflammable," mildly suggested Mr. Pickwick, who thought something worse was coming. "Well that's inflammable," said Wardle, adopting the substitute ; " couldn't you say all this to me in the first instance ? " " Or confide in me ? " added Mr. Pickwick. " Dear, dear," said Arabella, taking up the defence, " what is the use of asking all that now, especially when you know you had set your covetous old heart on a richer son-in-law, and are so wild and fierce besides, that everybody is afraid of you, except me. Shake hands with him, and order him some dinner, for goodness gracious sake, for he looks half-starved ; 438 THE PICKWICK CLUB. and pray have your wine up at once, for you'll not be tolerable until you have taken two bottles at least."" The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabella's ear, kissed her without the smallest scruple, kissed his daughter also with great affection, and shook Mr. Snodgrass warmly by the hand. "She is right on one point at all events, 11 said the old gentleman, cheerfully. " Ring for the wine ! " The wine came, and Perker came up stairs at the same moment. Mr. Snodgrass had dinner at a side table, and, when he had despatched it, drew his chair next Emily, with- out the smallest opposition on the old gentleman's part. The evening was excellent. Little Mr. Perker came out wonderfully, told various comic stories, and sang a serious song which was almost as funny as the anecdotes. Arabella was very charming, Mr. Wardle very jovial, Mr. Pickwick very harmonious, Mr. Ben Allen very uproarious, the lovers very silent, Mr. Winkle very talkative, and all of them very happy. CHAPTER LV. MR. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACH- MEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER MR. WELLER. " SAMIVEL," said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on the morning after the funeral, "I've found it, Sammy. I thought it wos there. "Thought wot wos were?"" inquired Sam. "Your mother-in-law's vill, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. " In wirtue o 1 vich, them arrangements is to be made as I told you on, last night, respectin' the funs."" " Wot, didn't she tell you were it wos ? " inquired Sam. "Not a bit on it, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "We wos a adjestin' our little differences, and I wos a cheer-in* her spirits and bearin' her up, so that I forgot to ask anythin* about it. I don't know as I should ha" 1 done it indeed, if I had remembered it," added Mr. Weller, " for it's a rum sort o' thing, Sammy, to go a hankerin' arter anybody's property, ven you're assistin 1 'em in illness. It's like helping an outside passenger up, ven he's been pitched off a coach, and puttin' your hand in his pocket, vile you ask him vith a sigh how he finds hisself, Sammy." With this figurative illustration of his meaning, Mr. Weller unclasped his pocket-book, and drew forth a dirty sheet of letter paper, on which were inscribed various characters crowded together in remarkable confusion. "This here is the dockyment, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. 440 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "I found it in the little black teapot, on the top shelf o' the bar closet. She used to keep bank notes there, afore she vos married, Samivel. I've seen her take the lid off, to pay a bill, many and many a time. Poor creeter, she might ha' filled all the teapots in the house vith vills, and not have incon- vvenienced herself neither, for she took wery little of anythin' in that vay lately, 'cept on the Temperance nights, ven they just laid a foundation o' tea to put the spirits a-top on ! " " What does it say ? " inquired Sam. " Jist vot I told you, my boy," rejoined his parent. "Two hundred pound vurth o' reduced counsels to my son-in-law, Samivel, and all the rest o' my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever to my husband, Mr. Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole eggzekiter." " That's all, is it ? " said Sam. "That's all," replied Mr. Weller. "And I s'pose as it's all right and satisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested, ve may as veil put this bit o' paper into the fire." " Wot are you a-doin' on, you lunatic ? " said Sam, snatching the paper away, as his parent, in all innocence, stirred the fire preparatory to suiting the action to the word. " You're a nice eggzekiter, you are." "Vy not?" inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly round, with the poker in his hand. " Vy not ! " exclaimed Sam. " 'Cos it must be proved, and probated, and swore to, and all manner o' formalities." "You don't mean that?" said Mr. Weller, laying down the poker. Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; inti- mating by a look, meanwhile, that he did mean it, and very seriously too. "Then I'll tell you wot it is," said Mr. Weller, after a short meditation, " this is a case for that 'ere confidential pal o' the Chancellorship's. Pell must look into this, Sammy. He's the man for a difficult question at law. Veil have this here, brought afore the Solvent Court directly, Samivel." WIDTH AND WISDOM. 441 " I never did see such a addle-headed old creetur ! " exclaimed Sam, irritably, " Old Baileys, and Solvent Courts, and alleybis, and ev'ry species o' gammon alvays a runnin' through his brain ! You'd better get your out o' door clothes on, and come to town about this bisness, than stand a preachin' there about wot you don't understand nothin' on." " Wery good, Sammy, 11 replied Mr. Weller, " I'm quite agreeable to anythin' as vill hexpedite business, Sammy. But mind this here, my boy, nobody but Pell nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser." "I don't want anybody else," replied Sam. "Now, are you a-comin' ? " "Vait a minit, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, who, having tied his shawl with the aid of a small glass that hung in the window, was now, by dint of the most wonderful exertions, struggling into his upper garments. "Vait a minit, Sammy; ven you grow as old as your father, you von't get into your veskit quite as easy as you do now, my boy." "If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm blessed if I'd vear vun at all," rejoined his son. "You think so now," said Mr. Weller, with the gravity of age, "but you'll find that as you get vider, you'll get viser. Vidth and visdom, Sammy, alvays grows together." As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maxim the result of many years' personal experience and observation he con- trived, by a dexterous twist of his body, to get the bottom button of his coat to perform its office. Having paused a few seconds to recover breath, he brushed his hat with his elbow, and declared himself ready. "As four heads is better than two, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, as they drove along the London Road in the chaise cart, "and as all this here property is a wery great tempta- tion to a legal gen'l'm'n, ve'll take a couple o' friends o' mine vith us, as'll be wery soon down upon him if he comes anythin' irreg'lar; two o' them as saw you to the Fleet that day. They're the wery best judges," added Mr. Weller 442 THE PICKWICK CLUB. in a half whisper, " the wery best judges of a horse, you ever know'd." "And of a lawyer too?" inquired Sam. "The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can form a ackerate judgment of any thin 1 , 1 ' replied his father ; so dogmatically, that Sam did not attempt to controvert the position. In pursuance of this notable resolution, the services of the mottled-faced gentleman and of two other very fat coachmen selected by Mr. Weller, probably, with a view to their width and consequent wisdom were put into requisition ; and this assistance having been secured, the party proceeded to the public-house in Portugal Street, whence a messenger was despatched to the Insolvent Court over the way, requiring Mr. Solomon PelPs immediate attendance. The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon Pell in court, regaling himself, business being rather slack, with a cold collation of an Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy. The message was no sooner whispered in his ear than he thrust them in his pocket among various professional documents, and hurried over the way with such alacrity, that he reached the parlour before the messenger had even emancipated himself from the court. " Gentlemen, 11 said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, " my service to you all. I don't say it to flatter you, gentlemen, but there are not five other men in the world, that I'd have come out of that court for, to-day."" "So busy, eh? 11 said Sam. " Busy ! " replied Pell ; " I'm completely sewn up, as my friend the late Lord Chancellor many a time used to say to me, gentlemen, when he came out from hearing appeals in the House of Lords. Poor fellow ! he was very susceptible of fatigue; he used to feel those appeals uncommonly. I actually thought more than once that he'd have sunk under 'em ; I did indeed. 11 Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused ; on which, the FURTHER GLIMPSES OF MR. PELL. 443 elder Mr. Weller, nudging his neighbour, as begging him to mark the attorney's high connections, asked whether the duties in question produced any permanent ill effects on the con- stitution of his noble friend. " I don't think he ever quite recovered them,"" replied Pell ; "in fact I'm sure he never did. 'Pell, 1 he used to say to me many a time, 'how the blazes you can stand the head-work you do, is a mystery to me/ 'Well, 1 I used to answer, '/ hardly know how I do it, upon my life. 1 'Pell, 1 he'd add, sighing, and looking at me with a little envy friendly envy, you know, gentlemen, mere friendly envy; I never minded it ' Pell, you're a wonder ; a wonder.' Ah ! you'd have liked him very much if you had known him, gentlemen. Bring me three penn'orth of rum, my dear." Addressing this latter remark to the waitress in a tone of subdued grief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his shoes, and the ceiling; and, the rum having by that time arrived, drunk it up. " However," said Pell, drawing a chair to the table, " a professional man has no right to think of his private friend- ships when his legal assistance is wanted. By the bye, gentlemen, since I saw you here before, we have had to weep over a very melancholy occurrence." Mr. Pell drew out a pocket-handkerchief, when he came to the word weep, but he made no further use of it than to wipe away a slight tinge of rum which hung upon his upper lip. "I saw it in the Advertiser, Mr. Weller," continued Pell. "Bless my soul, not more than fifty-two! Dear me only think." These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the mottled-faced man, whose eyes Mr. Pell had accidentally caught ; on which, the mottled-faced man, whose appre- hension of matters in general was of a foggy nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and opined that indeed, so far as that went, there was no saying how things was brought about; 444 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which observation, involving one of those subtle propositions which it is difficult to encounter in argument, was controverted by nobody. " I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman, Mr. Weller," said Pell in a sympathising manner. " Yes, sir, she wos," replied the elder Mr. Weller, not much relishing this mode of discussing the subject, and yet thinking that the attorney, from his long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor, must know best on all matters of polite breeding. "She wos a wery fine 'ooman, sir, ven I first know'd her. She wos a widder, sir, at that time." " Now, it's curious," said Pell, looking round with a sorrowful smile; "Mrs. Pell was a widow. 1 ' "That's very extraordinary," said the mottled-faced man. " Well, it is a curious coincidence," said Pell. "Not at all," gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Weller. "More widders is married than single wimin." "Very good, very good," said Pell, "you're quite right, Mr. Weller. Mrs. Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman ; her manners were the theme of universal admiration in our neighbourhood. I was proud to see that woman dance ; there was something so firm and dignified, and yet natural, in her motion. Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicity itself. Ah ! well, well ! Excuse my asking the question, Mr. Samuel," continued the attorney in a lower voice, " was your mother- in-law tall?" "Not wery," replied Sam. " Mrs. Pell was a tall figure," said Pell, " a splendid woman, with a noble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, formed to command and be majestic. She was very much attached to me very much highly connected, too. Her mother's brother, gentle- men, failed for eight hundred pounds, as a Law Stationer." "Veil," said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather restless during this discussion, " vith regard to bis'ness." The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been revolving in his mind whether any business was to be transacted, or TESTAMENTARY BUSINESS. 445 whether he had been merely invited to partake of a glass of brandy and water, or a bowl of punch, or any similar pro- fessional compliment, and now the doubt was set at rest without his appearing at all eager for its solution. His eyes glistened as he laid his hat on the table, and said : " What is the business upon which um ? Either of these gentlemen wish to go through the court ? We require an arrest ; a friendly arrest will do, you know ; we are all friends here, I suppose ? 11 " Give me the dockyment, Sammy,' 1 said Mr. Weller, taking the will from his son, who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly. " Wot we rekvire, sir, is a probe o 1 this here." " Probate, my dear sir, probate," said Pell. " Well, sir, 11 replied Mr. Weller sharply, " probe and probe it, is wery much the same ; if you don't understand wot I mean, sir, I dessay I can find them as does. 11 No offence, I hope, Mr. Weller, 11 said Pell, meekly. " You are the executor, I see, 11 he added, casting his eyes over the paper. "I am, sir, 11 replied Mr. Weller. " These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, are they ? " inquired Pell with a congratulatory smile. "Sammy is a leg-at-ease, 11 replied Mr. Weller; "these other genTnVn is friends o 1 mine, just come to see fair; a kind of umpires. 11 " Oh ! " said Pell, " very good. I have no objections, Tni sure. I shall want a matter of five pound of you before I begin, ha ! ha ! ha ! " It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be advanced, Mr. Weller produced that sum ; after which, a long consultation about nothing particular, took place, in the course whereof Mr. Pell demonstrated to the perfect satisfac- tion of the gentlemen who saw fair, that unless the manage- ment of the business had been intrusted to him, it must all have gone wrong, for reasons not clearly made out, but no doubt sufficient. This important point being despatched, 446 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Pell refreshed himself with three chops, and liquids both malt and spirituous, at the expense of the estate ; and then they all went away to Doctors' Commons. The next day, there was another visit to Doctors' Commons, and a great to do with an attesting hostler, who, being inebriated, declined swearing anything but profane oaths, to the great scandal of a proctor and surrogate. Next week, there were more visits to Doctors' Commons, and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty Office besides, and there were treaties entered into, for the disposal of the lease and busi- ness, and ratifications of the same, and inventories to be made out, and lunches to be taken, and dinners to be eaten, and so many profitable things to be done, and such a mass of papers accumulated, that Mr. Solomon Pell, and the boy, and the blue bag to boot, all got so stout that scarcely anybody would have known them for the same man, boy, and bag, that had loitered about Portugal Street, a few days before. At length all these weighty matters being arranged, a day was fixed for selling out and transferring the stock, and of waiting with that view upon Wilkins Flasher, Esq., stock- broker, of somewhere near the Bank, who had been recom- mended by Mr. Solomon Pell for the purpose. It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties were attired accordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were newly cleaned, and his dress was arranged with peculiar care; the mottled- faced gentleman wore at his button-hole a full-sized dahlia with several leaves; and the coats of his two friends were adorned with nosegays of laurel and other evergreens. All three were habited in strict holiday costume; that is to say, they were wrapped up to the chins, and wore as many clothes as possible, which is, and has been, a stage-coachman's idea of full dress ever since stage coaches were invented. Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the appointed time ; even Mr. Pell wore a pair of gloves and a clean shirt much frayed at the collar and wristbands by frequent washings. A SUBSTANTIAL LUNCHEON. 447 " A quarter to two," said Pell, looking at the parlour clock. " If we are with Mr. Flasher at a quarter past, we shall just hit the best time." "What should you say to a drop o' beer, genTm'n?" sug- gested the mottled-faced man. " And a little bit o' cold beef, 1 ' said the second coachman. " Or a oyster, 1 ' added the third, who was a hoarse gentle- man, supported by very round legs. "Hear, hear!" said Pell; "to congratulate Mr. Weller, on his coming into possession of his property : eh ? ha ! ha ! " "I'm quite agreeable, gen'l'm'n," answered Mr. Weller. " Sammy, pull the bell." Sam complied ; and the porter, cold beef, and oysters being promptly produced, the lunch was done ample justice to. Where everybody took so active a part, it is almost invidious to make a distinction ; but if one individual evinced greater powers than another, it was the coachman with the hoarse voice, who took an imperial pint of vinegar with his oysters, without betraying the least emotion. " Mr. Pell, sir," said the elder Mr. Weller, stirring a glass of brandy and water, of which one was placed before every gentleman when the oyster shells were removed, "Mr. Pell, sir, it wos my intention to have proposed the funs on this occasion, but Samivel has vispered to me " Here Mr. Samuel Weller, who had silently eaten his oysters with tranquil smiles, cried " Hear ! " in a very loud voice. " Has vispered to me," resumed his father, " that it vould be better to dewote the liquor to vishin' you success and prosperity, and thankin 1 you for the manner in which you've brought this here business through. Here's your health, sir." " Hold hard there," interposed the mottled-faced gentleman, with sudden energy, " your eyes on me, gen'l'm'n ! " Saying this, the mottled-faced gentleman rose, as did the other gentlemen. The mottled-faced gentleman reviewed the company, and slowly lifted his hand, upon which every man (including him of the mottled countenance) drew a long 448 THE PICKWICK CLUB. breath, and lifted his tumbler to his lips. In one instant the mottled-faced gentleman depressed his hand again, and every glass was set down empty. It is impossible to describe the thrilling effect produced by this striking ceremony. At once dignified, solemn, and impressive, it combined every element of grandeur. "Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, "all I can say is, that such marks of confidence must be very gratifying to a pro- fessional man. I don't wish to say anything that might appear egotistical, gentlemen, but I'm very glad, for your own sakes, that you came to me : that's all. If you had gone to any low member of the profession, it's my firm conviction, and I assure you of it as a fact, that you would have found yourselves in Queer Street before this. I could have wished my noble friend had been alive to have seen my management of this case. I don't say it out of pride, but I think how- ever, gentlemen, I won't trouble you with that. I'm gene- rally to be found here, gentlemen, but if I'm not here, or over the way, that's my address. You'll find my terms very cheap and reasonable, and no man attends more to his clients than I do, and I hope I know a little of my profession besides. If you have any opportunity of recommending me to any of your friends, gentlemen, I shall be very much obliged to you, and so will they too, when they come to know me. Your healths, gentlemen." With this expression of his feelings, Mr. Solomon Pell laid three small written cards before Mr. Weller's friends, and, looking at the clock again, feared it was time to be walking. Upon this hint Mr. Weller settled the bill, and, issuing forth, the executor, legatee, attorney, and umpires, directed their steps towards the City. The office of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, of the Stock Exchange, was in a first floor up a court behind the Bank of England; the house of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was at Brixton, Surrey ; the horse and stanhope of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, were at an adjacent livery stable; the groom of ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE. 449 Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was on his way to the West End to deliver some game ; the clerk of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, had gone to his dinner; and so Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, himself, cried, " Come in," when Mr. Pell and his companions knocked at the counting-house door. "Good morning, sir," said Pell, bowing obsequiously. " We want to make a little transfer, if you please." " Oh, come in, will you ? " said Mr. Flasher. " Sit down a minute ; Til attend to you directly." "Thank you, sir," said Pell, "there's no hurry. Take a chair, Mr. Weller." Mr. Weller took a chair, and Sam took a box, and the umpires took what they could get, and looked at the almanack and one or two papers which were wafered against the wall, with as much open-eyed reverence as if they had been the finest efforts of the old masters. " Well, Til bet you half a dozen of claret on it ; come ! " said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, resuming the conversation to which Mr. PelPs entrance had caused a momentary interrup- tion. This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore his hat on his right whisker, and was lounging over the desk, killing flies with a ruler. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was balancing himself on two legs of an office stool, spearing a wafer-box with a pen-knife, which he dropped every now and then with great dexterity into the very centre of a small red wafer that was stuck outside. Both gentlemen had very open waistcoats and very rolling collars, and very small boots, and very big rings, and very little watches, and very large guard chains, and symmetrical inexpressibles, and scented pocket-handkerchiefs. "I never bet half a dozen," said the other gentleman. " Til take a dozen." " Done, Simmery, done ! " said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. P. P., mind," observed the other. "Of course," replied Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. Wilkins VOL. II. 2 G 4.50 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Flasher, Esquire, entered it in a little book, with a gold pencil-case, and the other gentleman entered it also, in another little book with another gold pencil-case. "I see there's a notice up this morning about Boffer," observed Mr. Simmery. " Poor devil, he's expelled the house ! " " I'll bet you ten guineas to five, he cuts his throat," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "Done," replied Mr. Simmery. " Stop ! I bar," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, thoughtfully. "Perhaps he may hang himself." "Very good," rejoined Mr. Simmery, pulling out the gold pencil-case again. "I've no objection to take you that way. Say, makes away with himself." "Kills himself, in fact," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. " Just so," replied Mr. Simmery, putting it down. " ' Flasher ten guineas to five, Boffer kills himself.' Within what time shall we say ? " "A fortnight?" suggested Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "Con-found it, no;" rejoined Mr. Simmery, stopping for an instant to smash a fly with the ruler. "Say a week." "Split the difference," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. " Make it ten days." "Well; ten days," rejoined Mr. Simmery. So, it was entered down in the little books that Boffer was to kill himself within ten days, or Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was to hand over to Frank Simmery, Esquire, the sum of ten guineas ; and that if Boffer did kill himself within that time, Frank Simmery, Esquire, would pay to Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, five guineas, instead. " I'm very sorry he has failed," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. " Capital dinners he gave." "Fine port he had too," remarked Mr. Simmery. "We are going to send our butler to the sale to-morrow, to pick up some of that sixty-four." " The devil you are," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. " My man's going too. Five guineas my man outbids your man." AT THE BANK OF ENGLAND. 451 " Done." Another entry was made in the little books, with the gold pencil-cases ; and Mr. Simmery having, by this time, killed all the flies and taken all the bets, strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what was going forward. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, now condescended to receive Mr. Solomon Pell's instructions, and having filled up some printed forms, requested the party to follow him to the Bank : which they did : Mr. Weller and his three friends staring at all they beheld in unbounded astonishment, and Sam encountering everything with a coolness which nothing could disturb. Crossing a court-yard which was all noise and bustle ; and passing a couple of porters who seemed dressed to match the red fire engine which was wheeled away into a corner ; they passed into an office where their business was to be transacted, and where Pell and Mr. Flasher left them standing for a few moments, while they went up stairs into the Will Office. " Wot place is this here ? " whispered the mottled-faced gentleman to the elder Mr. Weller. " Counsel's Office, 11 replied the executor in a whisper. " Wot are them genTmen a settin' behind the counters ? " asked the hoarse coachman. "Reduced counsels, I s'pose," replied Mr. Weller. "Ain't they the reduced counsels, Samivel ? " "Wy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is alive, do you?" inquired Sam, with some disdain. "How should I know?" retorted Mr. Weller; "I thought they looked wery like it. Wot are they, then ? " " Clerks," replied Sam. "Wot are they all a eatin' ham sangwidges for?" inquired his father. "'Cos it's in their dooty, I suppose," replied Sam, "it's a part o 1 the system ; they're alvays a doin' it here, all day long ! " Mr. Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to reflect upon this singular regulation as connected with the 452 THE PICKWICK CLUB. monetary system of the country, when they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, who led them to a part of the counter above which was a round black board with a large Wr on it. "Wot's that for, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller, directing Pell's attention to the target in question. " The first letter of the name of the deceased," replied Pell. " I say," said Mr. Weller, turning round to the umpires. "There's somethin' wrong here. We's our letter this won't do." The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the business could not be legally proceeded with, under the letter W, and in all probability it would have stood over for one day at least, had it not been for the prompt, though, at first sight, undutiful behaviour of Sam, who, seizing his father by the skirt of the coat, dragged him to the counter, and pinned him there, until he had affixed his signature to a couple of instruments; which from Mr. Welter's habit of printing, was a work of so much labour and time, that the officiating clerk peeled and ate three Ripstone pippins while it was performing. As the elder Mr. Weller insisted on selling out his portion forthwith, they proceeded from the Bank to the gate of the Stock Exchange, to which Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, after a short absence, returned with a cheque on Smith, Payne, and Smith, for five hundred and thirty pounds ; that being the sum of money to which Mr. Weller at the market price of the day, was entitled, in consideration of the balance of the second Mrs. Weller's funded savings. Sam's two hundred pounds stood transferred to his name, and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, having been paid his commission, dropped the money carelessly into his coat pocket, and lounged back to his office. Mr. Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the cheque in nothing but sovereigns : but it being represented by the umpires that by so doing he must incur the expense THE ACCOUNTS ARE AUDITED. 453 of a small sack to carry them home in, he consented to receive the amount in five-pound notes. "My son, 11 said Mr. Weller as they came out of the banking-house, "my son and me has a wery particular engagement this arternoon, and I should like to have this here bis^ess settled out of hand, so let's jest go straight avay someveres, vere ve can hordit the accounts. 11 A quiet room was soon found, and the accounts were produced and audited. Mr. PelPs bill was taxed by Sam, and some charges were disallowed by the umpires ; but, notwith- standing Mr. Pell's declaration, accompanied with many solemn asseverations that they were really too hard upon him, it was by very many degrees the best professional job he had ever had, and one on which he boarded, lodged, and washed, for six months afterwards. The umpires having partaken of a dram, shook hands and departed, as they had to drive out of town that night. Mr. Solomon Pell, finding that nothing more was going forward, either in the eating or drinking way, took a friendly leave, and Sam and his father were left alone. "There! 11 said Mr. Weller, thrusting his pocket-book in his side pocket. "Vith the bills for the lease, and that, there's eleven hundred and eighty pound here. Now, Samivcl, my boy, turn the horses 1 heads to the George and Wulter ! ' CHAPTER LVI. AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN MR. PICK- WICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTS. AN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF-COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY. MR. PICKWICK was sitting alone, musing over many things, and thinking among other considerations how he could best provide for the young couple whose present unsettled con- dition was matter of constant regret and anxiety to him, when Mary stepped lightly into the room, and, advancing to the table, said, rather hastily : " Oh. if you please, sir, Samuel is down stairs, and he says may his father see you ? " "Surely," replied Mr. Pickwick. " Thank you, sir," said Mary, tripping towards the door again. "Sam has not been here long, has he?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Oh, no, sir," replied Mary eagerly. " He has only just come home. He is not going to ask you for any more leave, sir, he says." Mary might have been conscious that she had communicated this last intelligence with more warmth than seemed actually necessary, or she might have observed the good-humoured smile with which Mr. Pickwick regarded her, when she had finished speaking. She certainly held down her head, and SAM'S REWARD. 455 examined the corner of a very smart little apron, with more closeness than there appeared any absolute occasion for. "Tell them they can come up at once, by all means," said Mr. Pickwick. Mary, apparently much relieved, hurried away with her message. Mr. Pickwick took two or three turns up and down the room ; and rubbing his chin with his left hand as he did so, appeared lost in thought. "Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick at length, in a kind but somewhat melancholy tone, "it is the best way in which I could reward him for his attachment and fidelity ; let it be so, in Heaven's name. It is the fate of a lonely old man, that those about him should form new and different attach- ments and leave him. I have no right to expect that it should be otherwise with me. No, no," added Mr. Pickwick more cheerfully, " it would be selfish and ungrateful. I ought to be happy to have an opportunity of providing for him so well. I am. Of course I am." Mr. Pickwick had been so absorbed in these reflections, that a knock at the door was three or four times repeated before he heard it. Hastily seating himself, and calling up his accustomed pleasant looks, he gave the required pel-mission, and Sam Weller entered, followed by his father. " Glad to see you back again, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. " How do you do, Mr. Weller ? " "Wery hearty, thankee, sir," replied the widower; "hope I see you well, sir." " Quite, I thank you," replied Mr. Pickwick. "I wanted to have a little bit o 1 conwersation with you, sir," said Mr. Weller, "if you could spare me five minits or so, sir." " Certainly," replied Mr. Pickwick. " Sam, give your father a chair." " Thankee, Samivel, I've got a cheer here," said Mr. Weller, bringing one forward as he spoke ; " uncommon fine day ifs 456 THE PICKWICK CLUB. been, sir," added the old gentleman, laying his hat on the floor as he sat himself down. "Remarkably so indeed, 11 replied Mr. Pickwick. "Very seasonable. 11 " Seasonablest veather I ever see, sir, 11 rejoined Mr. Weller. Here, the old gentleman was seized with a violent fit of coughing, which, being terminated, he nodded his head and winked and made several supplicatory and threatening gestures to his son, all of which Sam Weller steadily abstained from seeing. Mr. Pickwick, perceiving that there was some embarrassment on the old gentleman's part, affected to be engaged in cutting the leaves of a book that lay beside him, and waited patiently until Mr. Weller should arrive at the object of his visit. "I never see sich a aggerawatin 1 boy as you are, Samivel, 11 said Mr. Weller, looking indignantly at his son; "never in all my born days." "What is he doing, Mr. Weller? 11 inquired Mr. Pickwick. " He von't begin, sir, 11 rejoined Mr. Weller ; " he knows I ain't ekal to ex-pressin 1 myself ven there's anythin 1 partickler to be done, and yet hell stand and see me a settin 1 here takin 1 up your walable time, and makin 1 a reglar spectacle o 1 myself, rayther than help me out vith a syllable. It ain't filial conduct, Samivel, 11 said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead ; " wery far from it. 11 " You said you'd speak, 11 replied Sam ; " how should I know you wos done up at the wery beginnin 1 ? 11 "You might ha 1 seen I warn't able to start, 11 rejoined his father ; " I'm on the wrong side of the road, and backin 1 into the palins, and all manner of unpleasantness, and yet you von't put out a hand to help me. Fm ashamed on you, Samivel. 11 "The fact is, sir, 11 said Sam, with a slight bow, "the gofer's been a drawin 1 his money. 1 ' " Wery good, Samivel, wery good," said Mr. Weller, nodding his head with a satisfied air, " I didn't mean to speak harsh MR. TONY WELLER'S PROPERTY. 457 to you, Sammy. Wery good. That's the vay to begin. Come to the pint at once. Wery good indeed, Samivel." Mr. Weller nodded his head an extraordinary number of times, in the excess of his gratification, and waited in a listening attitude for Sam to resume his statement. " You may sit down, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, apprehending that the interview was likely to prove rather longer than he had expected. Sam bowed again and sat down ; his father looking round, he continued, "The gov'ner, sir, has drawn out five hundred and thirty pound." "Reduced counsels," interposed Mr. Weller, senior, in an undertone. " It don't much matter vether it's reduced counsels, or wot not," said Sam; "five hundred and thirty pound is the sum, ain't it?" " All right, Samivel," replied Mr. Weller. " To vich sum, he has added for the house and bisness " " Lease, good-vill, stock, and fixters," interposed Mr. Weller. "As much as makes it," continued Sam, "altogether, eleven hundred and eighty pound." " Indeed ! " said Mr. Pickwick. " I am delighted to hear it. I congratulate you, Mr. Weller, on having done so well." "Vait a minit, sir," said Mr. Weller, raising his hand in a deprecatory manner. " Get on, Samivel." "This here money," said Sam, with a little hesitation, "he's anxious to put someveres, vere he knows it'll be safe, and I'm wery anxious too, for if he keeps it, he'll go a lendin' it to somebody, or inwestin' property in horses, or droppin' his pocket-book down a airy, or makin' a Egyptian mummy of his-self in some vay or another." "Wery good, Samivel," observed Mr. Weller, in as com- placent a manner as if Sam had been passing the highest eulogiums on his prudence and foresight. "Wery good." "For vich reasons," continued Sam, plucking nervously at 458 THE PICKWICK CLUB. the brim of his hat; "for vich reasons, he's drawd it out to-day, and come here vith me to say, leastvays to offer, or in other vords to " " To say this here,"" said the elder Mr. Weller, impatiently, " that it ain't o' no use to me. I'm a goin' to vork a coach reg'lar, and ha'nt got noveres to keep it in, unless I vos to pay the guard for takin' care on it, or to put it in vun o' the coach pockets, vich 'ud be a temptation to the insides. If you'll take care on it for me, sir, I shall be wery much obliged to you. P'raps,"" said Mr. Weller, walking up to Mr. Pickwick and whispering in his ear, "p'raps it'll go a little vay towards the expenses o' that 'ere conwiction. All I say is, just you keep it till I ask you for it again." With these words, Mr. Weller placed the pocket-book in Mr. Pickwick's hands, caught up his hat, and ran out of the room with a celerity scarcely to be expected from so corpulent a subject. "Stop him, Sam!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, earnestly. "Overtake him; bring him back instantly! Mr. Weller here come back ! " Sam saw that his master's injunctions were not to be disobeyed ; and catching his father by the arm as he was descending the stairs, dragged him back by main force. "My good friend," said Mr. Pickwick, taking the old man by the hand; "your honest confidence overpowers me." " I don't see no occasion for nothin' o' the kind, sir," replied Mr. Weller, obstinately. "I assure you, my good friend, I have more money than I can ever need ; far more than a man at my age can ever live to spend," said Mr. Pickwick. " No man knows how much he can spend, till he tries," observed Mr. Weller. " Perhaps not," replied Mr. Pickwick ; " but as I have no intention of trying any such experiments, I am not likely to come to want. I must beg you to take this back, Mr. Weller." AN AWFUL THREAT. 459 "Wery well," said Mr. Weller with a discontented look. " Mark my vords, Sammy. Til do somethin' desperate vith this here property ; somethin' desperate ! " " You'd better not," replied Sam. Mr. Weller reflected for a short time, and then, buttoning up his coat with great determination, said : "Til keep a pike." " Wot ! " exclaimed Sam. "A pike," rejoined Mr. Weller, through his set teeth; "I'll keep a pike. Say good bye to your father, Samivel. I dewote the remainder o' my days to a pike." This threat was such an awful one, and Mr. Weller besides appearing fully resolved to carry it into execution, seemed so deeply mortified by Mr. Pickwick's refusal, that that gentleman, after a short reflection, said : "Well, well, Mr. Weller, I will keep the money. I can do more good with it, perhaps, than you can." "Just the wery thing, to be sure," said Mr. Weller, brightening up ; " o' course you can, sir." "Say no more about it," said Mr. Pickwick, locking the pocket-book in his desk ; " I am heartily obliged to you, my good friend. Now sit down again. I want to ask your advice." The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphant success of his visit, which had convulsed not only Mr. Weller's face, but his arms, legs, and body also, during the locking up of the pocket-book, suddenly gave place to the most dignified gravity as he heard these words. " Wait outside a few minutes, Sam, will you ? " said Mr. Pickwick. Sam immediately withdrew. Mr. Weller looked uncommonly wise and very much amazed, when Mr. Pickwick opened the discourse by saying : "You are not an advocate for matrimony, I think, Mr. Weller?" Mr. Weller shook his head. He was wholly unable to speak ; 460 THE PICKWICK CLUB. vague thoughts of some wicked widow having been successful in her designs on Mr. Pickwick, choked his utterance. "Did you happen to see a young girl down stairs when you came in just now with your son?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, " Yes. I see a young gal,"" replied Mr. Weller, shortly. " What did you think of her, now ? Candidly, Mr. Weller, what did you think of her?" " I thought she wos wery plump, and veil made," said Mr. Weller, with a critical air. " So she is," said Mr. Pickwick, " so she is. What did you think of her manners, from what you saw of her ? " "Wery pleasant," rejoined Mr. Weller. "Wery pleasant and conformable." The precise meaning which Mr. Weller attached to this last-mentioned adjective, did not appear; but, as it was evident from the tone in which he used it that it was a favourable expression, Mr. Pickwick was as well satisfied as if he had been thoroughly enlightened on the subject. " I take a great interest in her, Mr. Weller," said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Weller coughed. " I mean an interest in her doing well," resumed Mr. Pick- wick ; " a desire that she may be comfortable and prosperous. You understand ? " "Wery clearly," replied Mr. Weller, who understood nothing yet. "That young person," said Mr. Pickwick, "is attached to your son." " To Samivel Veller ! " exclaimed the parent. " Yes," said Pickwick. " It's natural," said Mr. Weller, after some consideration, " nat'ral, but rayther alarmin\ Sammy must be careful." "How do you mean?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Wery careful that he don't say nothin' to her," responded Mr. Weller. "Wery careful that he ain't led avay, in a MORE ABOUT SAM'S REWARD. 461 innocent moment, to say anythink as may lead to a con- wiction for breach. You're never safe vith 'em, Mr. Pick- wick, ven they vunce has designs on you ; there's no knowin' vere to have "em; and vile you're a-considering of it, they have you. I wos married fust, that vay myself, sir, and Sammy wos the consekens o' the manoover." "You give me no great encouragement to conclude what I have to say," observed Mr. Pickwick, "but I had better do so at once. This young person is not only attached to your son, Mr. Weller, but your son is attached to her." " Veil," said Mr. Weller, " this here's a pretty sort o' thing to come to a father's ears, this is ! " "I have observed them on several occasions," said Mr. Pickwick, making no comment on Mr. Weller's last remark ; "and entertain no doubt at all about it. Supposing I were desirous of establishing them comfortably as man and wife in some little business or situation, where they might hope to obtain a decent living, what should you think of it, Mr. Weller?" At first, Mr. Weller received, with wry faces, a proposition involving the marriage of anybody in whom he took an interest; but, as Mr. Pickwick argued the point with him, and laid great stress on the fact that Mary was not a widow, he gradually became more tractable. Mr. Pickwick had great influence over him, and he had been much struck with Mary's appearance; having, in fact, bestowed several very unfatherly winks upon her, already. At length he said that it was not for him to oppose Mr. Pickwick's inclination, and that he would be very happy to yield to his advice ; upon which, Mr. Pickwick joyfully took him at his word, and called Sam back into the room. "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his throat, "your father and I have been having some conversation about you." "About you, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, in a patronising and impressive voice. " I am not so blind, Sam, as not to have seen, a long time 462 THE PICKWICK CLUB. since, that you entertain something more than a friendly feeling towards Mrs. Winkled maid," said Mr. Pickwick. "You hear this, Samivel?" said Mr. Weller in the same judicial form of speech as before. " I hope, sir," said Sam, addressing his master : " I hope there's no harm in a young man takin 1 notice of a young 'ooman as is undeniably good-looking and well-conducted." "Certainly not," said Mr. Pickwick. "Not by no means," acquiesced Mr. Weller, affably but magisterially " So far from thinking there is anything wrong, in conduct so natural," resumed Mr. Pickwick, "it is my wish to assist and promote your wishes in this respect. With this view, I have had a little conversation with your father; and finding that he is of my opinion " "The lady not bein' a widder," interposed Mr. Weller in explanation. " The lady not being a widow," said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. "I wish to free you from the restraint which your present position imposes upon you, and to mark my sense of your fidelity and many excellent qualities, by enabling you to marry this girl at once, and to earn an independent livelihood for yourself and family. I shall be proud, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, whose voice had faltered a little hitherto, but now resumed its customary tone, " proud and happy to make your future prospects in life, my grateful and peculiar care." There was a profound silence for a short time, and then Sam said, in a low husky sort of voice, but firmly withal : "I'm very much obliged to you for your goodness, sir, as is only like yourself; but it can't be done." " Can't be done ! " ejaculated Mr. Pickwick in astonishment. " Samivel ! " said Mr. Weller, with dignity. "I say it can't be done," repeated Sam in a louder key. " Wot's to become of you, sir ? " "My good fellow," replied Mr. Pickwick, "the recent changes among my friends will alter my mode of life in MR. SAMUEL WELLER'S DETERMINATION. 463 future, entirely; besides, I am growing older, and want repose and quiet. My rambles, Sam, are over." " How do I know that 'ere, sir ? " argued Sam. " You think so now ! S'pose you wos to change your mind, vich is not unlikely, for you've the spirit o' five-and-tventy in you still, what 'ud become on you vithout me ? It can't be done, sir, it can't be done." "Wery good, Samivel, there's a good deal in that," said Mr. Weller, encouragingly. "I speak after long deliberation, Sam, and with the certainty that I shall keep my word," said Mr. Pickwkk, shaking his head. "New scenes have closed upon me; my rambles are at an end." "Wery good," rejoined Sam. "Then, that's the wery best reason wy you should alvays have somebody by you as understands you, to keep you up and make you comfortable. If you vant a more polished sort o' feller, veil and good, have him ; but vages or no vages, notice or no notice, board or no board, lodgin' or no lodgin', Sam Veller, as you took from the old inn in the Borough, sticks by you, come what come may; and let ev'rythin' and ev'rybody do their wery fiercest, nothin' shall ever perwent it ! " At the close of this declaration, which Sam made with great emotion, the elder Mr. Weller rose from his chair, and, forgetting all considerations of time, place, or propriety, waved his hat above his head, and gave three vehement cheers. "My good fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller had sat down again, rather abashed at his own enthusiasm, "you are bound to consider the young woman also, "I do consider the young 'ooman, sir," said Sam. "I have considered the young 'ooman. I've spoke to her. I've told her how I'm sitivated ; she's ready to vait till I'm ready, and I believe she vill. If she don't, she's not the young 'ooman I take her for, and I give her up vith readiness. You've know'd me afore, sir. My mind's made up, and nothin' can ever alter it." 464 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Who could combat this resolution? Not Mr. Pickwick. He derived, at that moment, more pride and luxury of feeling from the disinterested attachment of his humble friends, than ten thousand protestations from the greatest men living could have awakened in his heart. While this conversation was passing in Mr. Pickwick's room, a little old gentleman in a suit of snuff-coloured clothes, fol- lowed by a porter carrying a small portmanteau, presented himself below; and after securing a bed for the night, in- quired of the waiter whether one Mrs. Winkle was staying there, to which question the \vaiter, of course, responded in the affirmative. " Is she alone ? " inquired the little old gentleman. " I believe she is, sir,"" replied the waiter ; " I can call her own maid, sir, if you " " No, I don't want her," said the old gentleman quickly. "Show me to her room without announcing me." "Eh, sir?" said the waiter. "Are you deaf?" inquired the Jittle old gentleman. "No, sir." " Then listen, if you please. Can you hear me now ? " "Yes, sir." "That's well. Show me to Mrs. Winkle's room, without announcing me." As the little old gentleman uttered this command, he slipped five shillings into the waiter's hand, and looked steadily at him. "Really, sir," said the waiter, "I don't know, sir. whether " "Ah! you'll do it, I see," said the little old gentleman. " You had better do it at once. It will save time." There was something so very cool and collected in the gentleman's manner, that the waiter put the five shillings in his pocket, and led him up stairs without another word. "This is the room, is it?" said the gentleman. "You may go." MRS. WINKLE, I BELIEVE? 465 The waiter complied, wondering much who the gentleman could be, and what he wanted; the little old gentleman waiting till he was out of sight, tapped at the door. "Come in," 11 said Arabella. "Urn, a pretty voice at any rate," murmured the little old gentleman ; " but that's nothing."" As he said this, he opened the door and walked in. Arabella, who was sitting at work, rose on beholding a stranger a little confused but by no means ungracefully so. "Pray don't rise, ma'am,"" said the unknown, walking in, and closing the door after him. "Mrs. Winkle, I believe? 1 ' Arabella inclined her head. "Mrs. Nathaniel Winkle, who married the son of the old man at Birmingham ? " said the stranger, eyeing Arabella with visible curiosity. Again, Arabella inclined her head, and looked uneasily round, as if uncertain whether to call for assistance. " I surprise you, I see, ma'am,"" said the old gentleman. "Rather, I confess," replied Arabella, wondering more and more. "I'll take a chair, if you'll allow me, ma'am," said the stranger. He took one; and drawing a spectacle-case from his pocket, leisurely pulled out a pair of spectacles, which he adjusted on his nose. " You don't know me, ma'am ? " he said, looking so intently at Arabella that she began to feel alarmed. "No, sir," she replied timidly. " No," said the gentleman, nursing his left leg ; " I don't know how you should. You know my name, though, ma'am." "Do I?" said Arabella, trembling, though she scarcely knew why. " May I ask what it is ? " " Presently, ma'am, presently," said the stranger, not having yet removed his eyes from her countenance. "You have jbeen recently married, ma'am ? " 466 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " I have,"" replied Arabella, in a scarcely audible tone, laying aside her work, and becoming greatly agitated as a thought, that had occurred to her before, struck more forcibly upon her mind. " Without having represented to your husband the propriety of first consulting his father, on whom he is dependent, I think ? " said the stranger. Arabella applied her handkerchief to her eyes. "Without an endeavour, even, to ascertain, by some indirect appeal, what were the old man's sentiments on a point in which he would naturally feel much interested ? " said the stranger. " I cannot deny it, sir, 1 ' said Arabella. " And without having sufficient property of your own to afford your husband any permanent assistance in exchange for the worldly advantages which you knew he would have gained if he had married agreeably to his father's wishes? 1 ' said the old gentleman. "This is what boys and girls call disinterested affection, till they have boys and girls of their own, and then they see it in a rougher and very different light!" Arabella's tears flowed fast, as she pleaded in extenuation that she was young and inexperienced ; that her attachment had alone induced her to take the step to which she had resorted ; and that she had been deprived of the counsel and guidance of her parents almost from infancy. "It was wrong," said the old gentleman in a milder tone, " very wrong. It was foolish, romantic, unbusiness-like." " It was my fault ; all my fault, sir," replied poor Arabella, weeping. " Nonsense," said the old gentleman ; " it was not your fault that he fell in love with you, I suppose? Yes it was though," said the old gentleman, looking rather slyly at Arabella. "It was your fault. He couldn't help it." This little compliment, or the little gentleman's odd way of paying it, or his altered manner so much kinder than it FATHER AND SON. 467 was, at first or all three together, forced a smile from Arabella in the midst of her tears. "Where's your husband? 11 inquired the old gentleman, abruptly ; stopping a smile which was just coming over his own face. " I expect him every instant, sir,"" said Arabella. " I persuaded him, to take a walk this morning. He is very low and wretched at not having heard from his father. 11 " Low, is he ? " said the old gentleman. " Serve him right ! * " He feels it on my account, I am afraid, 11 said Arabella ; "and indeed, sir, I feel it deeply on his. I have been the sole means of bringing him to his present condition. 11 "Don't mind it on his account, my dear, 11 said the old gentleman. " It serves him right. I am glad of it actually glad of it, as far as he is concerned." The words were scarcely out of the old gentleman's lips, when footsteps were heard ascending the stairs, which he and Arabella seemed both to recognise at the same moment. The little gentleman turned pale, and making a strong effort to appear composed, stood up, as Mr. Winkle entered the room. " Father ! " cried Mr. Winkle, recoiling in amazement. "Yes, sir, 11 replied the little old gentleman. "Well, sir, what have you got to say to me ? " Mr. Winkle remained silent. "You are ashamed of yourself, I hope, sir?" said the old gentleman. Still Mr. Winkle said nothing. "Are you ashamed of yourself, sir, or are you not?" inquired the old gentleman. "No, sir, 11 replied Mr. Winkle, drawing Arabella's arm through his. " I am not ashamed of myself, or of my wife either. 11 " Upon my word ! " cried the old gentleman, ironically. " I am very sorry to have done anything which has lessened your affection for me, sir, 11 said Mr. Winkle; "but I will 468 THE PICKWICK CLUB. say, at the same time, that I have no reason to be ashamed of having this lady for my wife, nor you of having her for a daughter."" " Give me your hand, Nat, 11 said the old gentleman in an altered voice. "Kiss me, my love. You are a very charming little daughter-in-law after all ! " In a few minutes 1 time Mr. Winkle went in search of Mr. Pickwick, and returning with that gentleman, presented him to his father, whereupon they shook hands for five minutes incessantly. "Mr. Pickwick, I thank you most heartily for all your kindness to my son, 11 said old Mr. Winkle, in a bluff straight- forward way. "I am a hasty fellow, and when I saw you last, I was vexed and taken by surprise. I have judged for myself now, and am more than satisfied. Shall I make any more apologies, Mr. Pickwick ? " " Not one, 11 replied that gentleman. " You have done the only thing wanting to complete my happiness. 11 Hereupon, there was another shaking of hands for five minutes longer, accompanied by a great number of compli- mentary speeches, which, besides being complimentary, had the additional and very novel recommendation of being sincere. Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Bell Sauvage, when, on returning, he encountered the fat boy in the court, who had been charged with the delivery of a note from Emily Wardle. "I say," said Joe, who was unusually loquacious, "what a pretty girl Mary is, isn't she ? I am so fond of her, I am ! " Mr. Weller made no verbal remark in reply ; but eyeing the fat boy for a moment, quite transfixed at his presumption, led him by the collar to the corner, and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious kick. After which, he walked home, whistling. CHAPTER LVII. IX WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED, AND EVERYTHING CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION OF EVERYBODY. FOR a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr. Winkle from Birmingham, Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller were from home all day long, only returning just in time for dinner, and then wearing an air of mystery and importance quite foreign to their natures. It was evident that very grave and eventful proceedings were on foot; but various surmises were afloat, respecting their precise character. Some (among whom was Mr. Tupman) were disposed to think that Mr. Pickwick contemplated a matrimonial alliance ; but this idea the ladies most strenuously repudiated. Others, rather inclined to the belief that he had projected some distant tour, and was at present occupied in effecting the preliminary arrangements; but this again was stoutly denied by Sam himself, who had unequivocally stated when cross-examined by Mary that no new journeys were to be undertaken. At length, when the brains of the whole party had been racked for six long days, by unavailing speculation, it was unanimously resolved that Mr. Pickwick should be called upon to explain his conduct, and to state distinctly why he had thus absented himself from the society of his admiring friends. With this view, Mr. Wardle invited the full circle to 470 THE PICKWICK CLUB. dinner at the Adelphi ; and, the decanters having been twice sent round, opened the business. "We are all anxious to know," said the old gentleman, "what we have done to offend you, and to induce you to desert us and devote yourself to these solitary walks. " "Are you?" said Mr. Pickwick. "It is singular enough that I had intended to volunteer a full explanation this very day; so, if you will give me another glass of wine, I will satisfy your curiosity."" The decanters passed from hand to hand with unwonted briskness, and Mr. Pickwick looking round on the faces of his friends, with a cheerful smile, proceeded : "All the changes that have taken place among us," said Mr. Pickwick, "I mean the marriage that has taken place, and the marriage that will take place, with the changes they involve, rendered it necessary for me to think, soberly and at once, upon my future plans. I determined on retiring to some quiet pretty neighbourhood in the vicinity of London ; I saw a house which exactly suited my fancy; I have taken it and furnished it. It is fully prepared for my reception, and I intend entering upon it at once, trusting that I may yet live to spend many quiet years in peaceful retirement, cheered through life by the society of my friends, and followed in death by their affectionate remembrance." Here Mr. Pickwick paused, and a low murmur ran round the table. "The house I have taken," said Mr. Pickwick, "is at Dulwich. It has a large garden, and is situated in one of the most pleasant spots near London. It has been fitted up with every attention to substantial comfort; perhaps to a little elegance besides; but of that you shall judge for yourselves. Sam accompanies me there. I have engaged, on Perker's representation, a housekeeper a very old one and such other servants as she thinks I shall require. I propose to consecrate this little retreat, by having a ceremony in which I take a great interest, performed there. I wish, SETTLING DOWN. 471 if my friend Wardle entertains no objection, that his daughter should be married from my new house, on the day I take possession of it. The happiness of young people,"" said Mr. Pickwick, a little moved, " has ever been the chief pleasure of my life. It will warm my heart to witness the happiness of those friends who are dearest to me, beneath my own roof." Mr. Pickwick paused again : Emily and Arabella sobbed audibly "I have communicated, both personally and by letter, with the club," resumed Mr. Pickwick, "acquainting them with my intention. During our long absence, it had suffered much from internal dissensions ; and the withdrawal of my name, coupled with this and other circumstances, has occa- sioned its dissolution. The Pickwick Club exists no longer. "I shall never regret, 1 " said Mr. Pickwick in a low voice, " I shall never regret having devoted the greater part of two years to mixing with different varieties and shades of human character: frivolous as my pursuit of novelty may 'have appeared to many. Nearly the whole of my previous life having been devoted to business and the pursuit of wealth, numerous scenes of which I had no previous conception have dawned upon me I hope to the enlargement of my mind, and the improvement of my understanding. If I have done but little good, I trust I have done less harm, and that none of my adventures will be other than a source of amusing and pleasant recollection to me in the decline of life. God bless you all ! " With these words, Mr. Pickwick filled and drained a bumper with a trembling hand, and his eyes moistened as his friends rose with one accord, and pledged him from their hearts. There were very few preparatory arrangements to be made for the marriage of Mr. Snodgrass. As he had neither father nor mother, and had been in his minority a ward of Mr. Pickwick's, that gentleman was perfectly well acquainted with his possessions and prospects. His account of both was quite 472 THE PICKWICK CLUB. satisfactory to Wardle as almost any other account would have been, for the good old gentleman was overflowing with hilarity and kindness and a handsome portion having been bestowed upon Emily, the marriage was fixed to take place on the fourth day from that time : the suddenness of which preparations reduced three dress-nlakers and a tailor to the extreme verge of insanity. Getting post-horses to the carriage, old Wardle started off, next day, to bring his mother up to town. Communi- cating his intelligence to the old lady with characteristic impetuosity, she instantly fainted away; but being promptly revived, ordered the brocaded silk gown to be packed up forthwith, and proceeded to relate some circumstances of a similar nature attending the marriage of the eldest daughter of Lady Tollimglower, deceased, which occupied three hours in the recital, and were not half finished at last. Mrs. Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty preparations that were making in London, and being in a delicate state of health was informed thereof through Mr. Trundle, lest the news should be too much for her; but it was not too much for her, inasmuch as she at once wrote off to Muggleton, to order a new cap and a black satin gown, and moreover avowed her determination of being present at the ceremony. Hereupon, Mr. Trundle called in the doctor, and the doctor said Mrs. Trundle ought to know best how she felt herself, to which Mrs. Trundle replied that she felt herself quite equal to it, and that she had made up her mind to go ; upon which the doctor, who was a wise and discreet doctor, and knew what was good for himself as well as for other people, said that perhaps if Mrs. Trundle stopped at home she might hurt herself more by fretting, than by going, so perhaps she had better go. And she did go ; the" doctor with great attention sending in half a dozen of medicine, to be drunk upon the road. In addition to these points of distraction, Wardle was intrusted with two small letters to two small young ladies SETTLED DOWN. 473 who were to act as bridesmaids ; upon the receipt of which, the two young ladies were driven to despair by having no "things'" ready for so important an occasion, and no time to make them in a circumstance which appeared to afford the two worthy papas of the two small young ladies rather a feeling of satisfaction than otherwise. However, old frocks were trimmed, and new bonnets made, and the young ladies looked as well as could possibly have been expected of them. And as they cried at the subsequent ceremony in the proper places, and trembled at the right times, they acquitted them- selves to the admiration of all beholders. How the two poor relations ever reached London whether they walked, or got behind coaches, or procured lifts in wagons, or carried each other by turns is uncertain; but there they were, before Wardle; and the very first people that knocked at the door of Mr. Pickwick's house, on the bridal morning were the two poor relations, all smiles and shirt collar. They were welcomed heartily though, for riches or poverty had no influence on Mr. Pickwick ; the new servants were all alacrity and readiness ; Sam was in a most unrivalled state of high spirits and excitement ; Mary was glowing with beauty and smart ribands. The bridegroom, who had been staying at the house for two or three days previous, sallied forth gallantly to Dulwich Church to meet the bride, attended by Mr. Pickwick, Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Tupman; with Sam Weller outside, having at his button-hole a white favour, the gift of his lady love, and clad in a new and gorgeous suit of livery invented for the occasion. They were met by the Wardles, and the Winkles, and the bride and bridesmaids, and the Trundles ; and the ceremony having been performed, the coaches rattled back to Mr. Pickwick's to breakfast, where little Mr. Perker already awaited them. Here, all the light clouds of the more solemn part of the proceedings passed away ; every face shone forth joyously ; 474 THE PICKWICK CLUB. nothing was to be heard but congratulations and commenda- tions. Everything was so beautiful ! The lawn in front, the garden behind, the miniature conservatory, the dining- room, the drawing-room, the bed-rooms, the smoking-room, and above all the study with its pictures and easy chairs, and odd cabinets, and queer tables, and books out of number, with a large cheerful window opening upon a pleasant lawn and commanding a pretty landscape, dotted here and there with little houses almost hidden by the trees ; and then the curtains, and the carpets, and the chairs, and the sofas ! Everything was so beautiful, so compact, so neat, and in such exquisite taste, said everybody, that there really was no deciding what to admire most. And in the midst of all this, stood Mr. Pickwick, his countenance lighted up with smiles, which the heart of no man, woman, or child, could resist: himself the happiest of the group: shaking hands, over and over again with the same people, and when his own hands were not so employed, rubbing them with pleasure : turning round in a different direction at every fresh expression of gratification or curiosity, and inspiring everybody with his looks of gladness and delight. Breakfast is announced. Mr. Pickwick leads the old lady (who has been very eloquent on the subject of Lady Tollim- glower), to the top of a long table ; Wardle takes the bottom ; the friends arrange themselves on either side; Sam takes his station behind his master's chair ; the laughter and talking cease ; Mr. Pickwick, having said grace, pauses for an instant, and looks round him. As he does so, the tears roll down his cheeks, in the fulness of his joy. Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments of unmixed happiness, of which, if we seek them, there are ever some, to cheer our transitory existence here. There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast. Some men, like bats or owls, have better eyes for the darkness than for the light. We, who have no such optical powers, are better pleased to take our last parting SUMMING UP. 475 look at the visionary companions of many solitary hours, when the brief sunshine of the world is blazing full upon them. It is the fate of most men who mingle with the world, and attain even the prime of life, to make many real friends, and lose them in the course of nature. It is the fate of all authors or chroniclers to create imaginary friends, and lose them in the course of art. Nor is this the full extent of their misfortunes ; for they are required to furnish an account of them besides. In compliance with this custom unquestionably a bad one we subjoin a few biographical words, in relation to the party at Mr. Pickwick's assembled. Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, being fully received into favour by the old gentleman, were shortly afterwards installed in a newly-built house, not half a mile from Mr. Pickwick's. Mr. Winkle, being engaged in the City as agent or town corre- spondent of his father, exchanged his old costume for the ordinary dress of Englishmen, and presented all the external appearance of a civilised Christian ever afterwards. Mr. and Mrs. Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell, where they purchased and cultivated a small farm, more for occupa- tion than profit. Mr. Snodgrass, being occasionally abstracted and melancholy, is to this day reputed a great poet among his friends and acquaintance, although we do not find that he has ever written anything to encourage the belief. There are many celebrated characters, literary, philosophical, and otherwise, who hold a high reputation on a similar tenure. Mr. Tupman, when his friends married, and Mr. Pickwick settled, took lodgings at Richmond, where he has ever since resided. He walks constantly on the Terrace during the summer months, with a youthful and jaunty air which has rendered him the admiration of the numerous elderly ladies of single condition, who reside in the vicinity. He has never proposed again. 476 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Bob Sawyer, having previously passed through the Gazette, passed over to Bengal, accompanied by Mr. Benjamin Allen ; both gentlemen having received surgical appointments from the East India Company. They each had the yellow fever fourteen times, and then resolved to try a little absti- nence; since which period, they have been doing well. Mrs. Bardell let lodgings to many conversable single gentle- men, with great profit, but never brought any more actions for breach of promise of marriage. Her attorneys, Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, continue in business, from which they realise a large income, and in which they are universally con- sidered among the sharpest of the sharp. Sam Weller kept his word, and remained unmarried, for two years. The old housekeeper dying at the end of that time, Mr. Pickwick promoted Mary to the situation, on condition of her marrying Mr. Weller at once, which she did without a murmur. From the circumstance of two sturdy little boys having been repeatedly seen at the gate of the back garden, there is reason to suppose that Sam has some family. The elder Mr. Weller drove a coach for twelve months, but being afflicted with the gout, was compelled to retire. The contents of the pocket-book had been so well invested for him, however, by Mr. Pickwick, that he had a handsome independence to retire on, upon which he still lives at an excellent public-house near Shooter's Hill, where he is quite reverenced as an oracle : boasting very much of his intimacy with Mr. Pickwick, and retaining a most unconquerable aversion to widows. Mr. Pickwick himself continued to reside in his new house, employing his leisure hours in arranging the memoranda which he afterwards presented to the secretary of the once famous club, or in hearing Sam Weller read aloud, with such remarks as suggested themselves to his mind, which never failed to afford Mr. Pickwick great amusement. He was much troubled at first, by the numerous applications made SUMMING UP. 477 to him by Mr. Snodgrass, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Trundle, to act as godfather to their offspring; but he has become used to it now, and officiates as a matter of course. He never had occasion to regret his bounty to Mr. Jingle ; for both that person and Job Trotter became, in time, worthy members of society, although they have always steadily objected to return to the scenes of their old haunts and temptations. Mr. Pickwick is somewhat infirm now ; but he retains all his former juvenility of spirit, and may still be frequently seen, contemplating the pictures in the Dulwich Gallery, or enjoy- ing a walk about the pleasant neighbourhood on a fine day. He is known by all the poor people about, who never fail to take their hats off, as he passes, with great respect. The children idolise him, and so indeed does the whole neighbour- hood. Every year, he repairs to a large family merry-making at Mr. Wardle's; on this, as on all other occasions, he is invariably attended by the faithful Sam, between whom and his master there exists a steady and reciprocal attachment which nothing but death will terminate. NOTES ON PICKWICK. CHAPTER XXXII. Laut Street. In that street, in the back attic of a house occupied by " an Insolvent Court agent," Dickens lodged, in the second period of his employment in the blacking warehouse. CHAPTER XXXIII. " My Prooshan Blue." This term of endearment has greatly engaged the attention of scholiasts. Mr. Dickens himself, according to Sir Walter Besant, was unable to explain a phrase which he may "have heard in a crowd." I would diffidently observe that, in 1829, Lockhart wrote to Scott to the follow- ing effect : " The King " (George IV.) " is dreaming of dressing the Guards, and afterwards all the infantry, in blue. This is the Duke of Cumberland's Prussian nonsense." Rumours of His Majesty's intentions may have reached the public, and given rise to the phrase, " My Prooshan Blue." Or, like the effigy of the Marquis of Granby, it may have survived from the days of our ally, the Protestant hero. I only, in the phrase of Calverley's Examina- tion Paper, " hazard a conjecture explanatory of the expression." A writer in The World offers another theory of "Prooshan Blue : " "The following explanation, a simple one, was given to the late Mr. Charles Dickens, but not in time for his Jubilee edition of Pickwick. When Blucher and his staff appeared in London after Waterloo, the mob dubbed them the ' Prooshian Blues ' (Proosia and Roosia being the pro- nunciation of the period) on account of their unfamiliar uniform. The colour, adopted here, was long known as Prussian blue, subsequently as 4 royal ' blue, and after a long eclipse is now again fashionable. ' He's a regular Prooshian Blue,' the equivalent of 'brick' or 'trump,' was a familiar phrase up to a later period than that of Dickens's childhood." " The Prof eel Machine." Doubtless that by which silhouettes were taken, not in " bright colours." The machine is illustrated in The Strand, November, 1896. "Tipcheese." Probably Tip-cat was meant ; the game at which Bunyan was dis- tinguishing himself when he "had a call." 480 NOTES ON PICKWICK. CHAPTER XXXVIIT. "Fanteegs." Any explanation or etymology of this obscure word must be con- jectural. CHAPTER XLI. The Fleet Prison. Imprisonment for debt is now disguised as imprisonment for contempt of court. The once famous Countess with the Cats endured this incar- f court. The once famous Countess says was the original of one of ceration, on Pickwickian principles, says Mr. Charles Dickens the younger. This lady, it is said, in her youth Thackeray's most notable characters. CHAPTER XLIII. A red-faced Nixon. Nixon is said to have been a Cheshire prophet. His date and even existence are dubious. Nixon's prophecies, like those of Thomas the Rhymer, seem to have been in demand during the Rising of 1745. In a curious Whig tract, undated, but clearly of 1745, called "Observations on the Persons of Note now engaged in the Chevalier's Service in Scotland," we find " the Hon. William Murray " accused of studying Nixon, and his predictions about "The Miller with Three Thumbs," under the tuition of an old woman. A dark saying about a stone in a wood is explained as referring to the restoration of the Catholic Church, "or something of that sort." Apparently a Murray of the Elibank family is the person referred to, unless there is a confusion with John Murray of Broughton. Otherwise Nixon was not much regarded in Scotland, which was rich in prophets of her own. A note in the Stuart Papers, by Prince Charles, shows him a student of Nixon. See also Mr. Ashton's " Chapbooks of Eighteenth Century," p. 92. CHAPTER XLIV. The crumpets. The story is told about muffins by Topham Beauclerk (Boswell's Johnson in Birkbeck Hill's edition, iii. 384). Croker says that Mr. Fitzherbert was the suicide, but it seems that he hanged himself ; and, as Beauclerk was arguing that two pistols are useful in cases of suicide, and were used by the hero of the muffins, the case of Mr. Fitzherbert would not be in point. THE END. PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECC.LES. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is PUE on the last date stamped below. A 000017922 6 A