UC-N 
 
 flM 732 
 
GIFT OF 
 Class of 1887 
 
 i^B 
 

 Neighborhood 
 letters 
 
Neighborhood 
 Letters 
 
 For Private Circulation 
 
Nf 
 
 
 
 6> 
 
APOLOGY 
 
 The letters that appear on the follow- 
 ing pages were designated "Neighbor- 
 hood Letters" at the time they were 
 written, and were intended solely for 
 the perusal and possible amusement of 
 a number of friends and neighbors of 
 the writer, most of whom had made the 
 European tour and were familiar with 
 the scenes and objects referred to. The 
 letters bore no address, but each con- 
 tained a request that it be passed around 
 among mutual friends, thus necessitat- 
 ing the least possible exertion on the 
 part of a lazy correspondent. 
 
 I make this explanation on account 
 of the familiar tone and somewhat flip- 
 pant style of the communications, which 
 I hope will not be regarded by anyone 
 as an indication that I did not take some 
 note of, and interest in, the many se- 
 rious things to be seen abroad. These, 
 
 3 
 
 745198 
 
However, have been so often described 
 ~by worthier and more able pens that I 
 did not attempt to add anything to 
 the present store of knowledge regard- 
 ing such matters. 
 
 Since my return the recipients of the 
 letters have spoken of them in the most 
 flattering manner and urged their pres- 
 ervation in some form; which is my ex- 
 cuse for embalming them in type. 
 
 G. F. B. 
 
 San Francisco, August 30, 1912 
 
AN BORD 
 
 DES DAMPFERS "HAMBURG/- 
 DEN 6 APRIL, 1912. 
 
 Note above how I speak German already 
 yet vunce, and only two days out. 
 
 Well, we are just loafing along. Fine 
 day when we left New York. Rained a 
 little yesterday and last night, but no sea 
 yet to speak of. There is a horse, also a 
 camel, on board. I have ridden them both 
 this morning, had my liver massaged and 
 my cervical vertebrae manicured by an un- 
 feeling and brutal electrical apparatus; 
 and now me for the "Herren Bad." 
 
 The beer on board is good, and both 
 this and the "Rrheinwein" appear to be 
 the real thing. The steward (who, by the 
 way looks like the Kaiser), is going to 
 give us a special luncheon today, so I 
 suppose we shall have wiener schnitzel, 
 kalbsnier en-bra ten, kartoffel kloese and 
 then some. 
 
 Only about 1 50 first-class passengers 
 on board. The crowd in the steerage 
 gives us a foretaste (also a foresmell) of 
 Italy. They are pretty thick, but not 
 otherwise pretty. 
 
AFTER LUNCHEON 
 
 Or rather after "Gabelfriihst&k." which we End 
 is the same thing. 
 
 Well, I made a poor guess; what we 
 really had was gefliigel kraftbriihe, ge- 
 backene, ochsenzunge und pflaumenkom- 
 pott." Now, you guess. 
 
 If my handwriting looks strange and 
 unfamiliar to you, please remember the 
 things I have to eat; also that this is my 
 German hand. 
 
 TWO DAYS LATER 
 
 Some of those things he ate put little 
 Willie on the blink. Think I must have 
 swallowed one of those German words 
 without trimming off the corners and 
 couldn't digest it. All right now. 
 
 Say, but there is a lot of water between 
 New York and Naples just water and 
 sky ! Rolled a bit yesterday and we didn't 
 care for our Easter dinner, thank you. 
 Never mind why. 
 
SOME LATER 
 
 Just exchanged some real money with 
 the purser for Italian currency. I never 
 before had such a quantity of money. 
 The size of the sheet on which it is printed 
 corresponds to the denomination of the 
 bill, and so a hundred "lire" note is ten 
 times the size of a ten lire note. This is 
 surely frenzied finance. You ought to 
 see me. I look as though I were carrying 
 around a Sunday morning newspaper in 
 my inside pocket. 
 
 LATER STILL 
 Any old day Doesn't matter. 
 
 Just water and sky still. Passed the 
 Azores a few days ago and expect to 
 make Gibraltar after a while, where I 
 shall mail this and perhaps you can tell 
 by the stamp what date it is. 
 
 P. S. The lady is doing the dolce far 
 niente act this morning. That is Ger- 
 man (Yes? No?) for lying in bed and 
 taking a little orange juice and a cup of 
 bum coffee. 
 
ROME 
 
 APRIL 23rd. 
 
 Having now been in Europe a whole 
 week I naturally feel qualified to write 
 my impressions of the country and the 
 people especially the latter after hav- 
 ing rubbed elbows with several puissant 
 Knights of the Order of the Garlic and 
 a few of the Little Sisters of the Society of 
 the Green Onion. I have listened to the 
 cry of the cabmen until I think I must 
 ejaculate "Ha-a-a!" in my sleep. I have 
 watched the macaroni jugglers until they 
 made me dizzy, and now I, too, eat it with 
 a spoon. I have seen some roasted chest- 
 nuts from the ruins of Pompeii that were 
 nearly two thousand years old. (I had 
 previously heard some roasted chestnuts 
 that I think must have been nearly as 
 old). 
 
 I have been told not to drink the water 
 of the country, and have carefully ob- 
 served that injunction. I have seen 
 things in the museums and elsewhere 
 that can be spoken of only in Italian; 
 and as I have not yet mastered the lan- 
 guage, I shall not attempt to describe 
 them. I have seen some costumes at 
 
this hotel that should be worn only after 
 the lights are out. I have seen every- 
 thing smoke, from a gray-haired matron 
 to Mount Vesuvius. I have been nearly 
 drowned in the Blue Grotto and slept 
 in a Capuchin monastery. I have eaten 
 some fearful and wonderful dishes that 
 were not, however, nearly so bad as they 
 looked in print or sounded when pro- 
 nounced. I have learned to make change 
 in the coin of the realm so expertly that 
 I hardly think I lose more than fifty 
 per cent of its face value. I have seen 
 the "troubled Tiber chafing with its 
 shores," and think I know what troubled 
 it; it is as muddy as the Sacramento and 
 not half so majestic ; so that, when Caesar 
 and Cassius came out after that little 
 natatorial exhibition that Shakespeare des- 
 cribes, they must have needed a real bath. 
 We have visited three churches today. 
 This was quite a novelty, as I do not 
 remember having been to church before 
 for a long time. Besides, this is getting 
 along quite swimmingly, as we now have 
 only 372 more to do in this town, so that 
 we ought to finish by the middle of 
 summer or early autumn. 
 
Seriously, however, there are many 
 things to see here that are intensely in- 
 teresting in fact, the whole is so stupen- 
 dous that one is overwhelmed in trying 
 to comprehend it all in so short a time 
 as we have at our disposal. 
 
 We shall probably remain here a week 
 or more longer and then go to Florence. 
 
 ROME, APRIL 28. 
 
 I don't see how a devout Catholic 
 ever gets through Italy at all. If they 
 stop to bow before every shrine, every 
 altar and every crucifix it would take 
 more than one life time. 
 
 Well, I have now eaten so many 
 Christian science breakfasts, or, "cawn- 
 tinental" breakfasts, as the English say, 
 that I don't think I can ever look a dish 
 of ham and eggs in the face again. 
 
 We have a "concierge" at this hotel 
 that would make the big Swede who 
 stands in front of the St. Francis look 
 like small change. He is such a gorgeous 
 looking being that I at first thought he 
 must be the Pope or the King; or at 
 least the owner of the hotel, but I offered 
 him some coins and he refused them 
 not. 
 
 10 
 
The old Romans appear to have been 
 very strong on baths, but some of their 
 descendants are strong from the lack of 
 them. 
 
 I never went to church so much in 
 my life; and all the time we continue to 
 meet with evidence tending to show that 
 most of the old painters, priests and 
 popes knew a few things besides their 
 prayers. What a busy time Brother 
 Parkhurst would have over here! And 
 then there are the bones and skulls and 
 skeletons that are shown to one, and of 
 which we have seen enough to sink a 
 ship. All very interesting, but, as you 
 know, there is another side to the picture; 
 and back of all this buried art and this 
 pomp and splendor of the churches and 
 palaces, there is a vast multitude of the 
 descendants of the Caesars living here 
 today in hopeless poverty, shameless ig- 
 norance and utter destitution. This side 
 of the picture is not pretty; and yet here 
 is a place where nature has done more 
 than her share in providing the comforts 
 of man, and which, it would seem, under 
 proper laws, properly administered, ought 
 to be a smiling land of plenty. But that 
 will do for preaching, even though today 
 is Sunday. 
 
 11 
 
Went to Tivoli and Frascati today. 
 Fine ride and good luncheon. Few days 
 more here, then Florence. 
 
 This city is dead after eight o'clock 
 in the evening. Perhaps that is the 
 reason why we see so many "remains" 
 in the day time. 
 
 ROME, APRIL 30. 
 
 "Casptta ! Corpo di Bacco / 
 Diavolo Subito ! ' 
 
 Oh, I am learning! The above is what 
 I heard the cabman say to his horse this 
 morning. I don't know what it means, 
 and from his actions I don't think the 
 horse did either; but it was a relief after 
 "Ha-a-a" and the incessant cracking of 
 whips at Naples. 
 
 Among other things, I have learned 
 that if you want to do any business with 
 Cook & Sons it is best to go around a 
 day or two in advance and prepare them 
 for the shock; then when the day on 
 which you want something done arrives, 
 get up early. We nearly missed our train 
 at Naples by not following this simple 
 plan. 
 
 In another letter I said we had eaten 
 some queer dishes. Well, there is a Brit- 
 isher here at the hotel who eats bacon 
 
 12 
 
with mustard for breakfast. I don't think 
 Italy has anything on him. 
 
 This will be our last full day here, so 
 I must go out now and see if we have 
 overlooked anything. Will finish this 
 later. 
 
 FLORENCE, MAY 2. 
 
 Well, this is later and we have moved. 
 It has been raining a good deal in sunny 
 Italy of late. Of course, they say it is 
 very unusual. 
 
 Do you remember the little hard rolls 
 they give you everywhere over here for 
 breakfast the kind that you have to 
 jump on with both feet in order to 
 break them open? It is thought that they 
 are a species of volcanic formation 
 thrown up by Vesuvius. 
 
 Here is something new: The song, 
 "Rings on my fingers, Bells on my toes" 
 will have to be made to include "Gems 
 in my nose," for we have here a dusky 
 East Indian lady who wears a diamond 
 in her nose. Fact; one nostril is pierced 
 and the gem is perched up on one side 
 of her nose. Looks real cute. 
 
 Well, I am just getting accustomed to 
 thinking in francs, so to speak, or lire, 
 which is the same thing and when I 
 
 13 
 
reflect that in a few days I must change 
 the system and think in marks, and 
 shortly thereafter go back to francs, and 
 still later pass to shillings, with a few 
 "kronen" interspersed, I realize that it 
 will be quite a severe strain on a deli- 
 cately wrought intellect like mine. 
 
 We will now go out and buy some 
 gloves. I am already wearing two pairs at 
 once and if it keeps up I shall soon be 
 wearing them night and day. You know 
 they are so cheap, and we cannot afford 
 to miss the opportunity to save money. 
 
 To the theater here last night to hear 
 Puccini's "Girl of the Golden West." 
 The music was fine, but the rest of it 
 was fierce. The cowboys, I think, were 
 all from Naples. The horses they rode 
 were pre-historic. The performance 
 lasted until after midnight. 
 
 FLORENCE. MAY 4. 
 
 When we reached this place we illus- 
 trated by our actions the words of a cer- 
 tain "coon" song. We had been advised 
 to go to the "Hotel Grand Bretagne" 
 (sounds good, doesn't it?) Well, we 
 went ; but a brief inspection was enough ; 
 
 14 
 
so "We walked right in and we turned 
 around and we walked right out again," 
 and came here ("Hotel Italic"), where 
 everything is very satisfactory. 
 
 The other place must date from the 
 fifth century, I think, but whether B. C. 
 or A. D., would be difficult to judge. 
 We have now grown so accustomed to 
 shaking hands with old dates that a few 
 hundred years more or less matters little. 
 
 Struck a new line of churches here. 
 Find that a hat is almost a superfluous 
 article of wearing apparel, as, being con- 
 stantly in church, I must carry it in my 
 hand most of the time. 
 
 I am afraid I shall get curvature of the 
 spine from looking up at ceilings so 
 much. I wonder why they don't pro- 
 vide a special form of head rest for this 
 sport. It would give them one more 
 chance for graft, for, of course, there 
 would be a charge. Also a supply of 
 shock absorbers would, I think, sell well 
 to some of the people going through the 
 galleries here. 
 
VENICE, MAY 8. 
 
 Here we are in the wet city. This is 
 getting strenuous! I am now so full of 
 paintings, statuary, mosaics, "lapus lin- 
 gerie," "Tarara" marble, Holy families, 
 last suppers, pictures of the old masters, 
 (and some of their old mistresses), gon- 
 dolas, spaghetti, Tuscany wine and 
 guides' English, that I hardly remember 
 my own name. 
 
 Since coming here, have bought a few 
 gloves and looked at some lace. Don't 
 think we shall remain here long; they are 
 too fond of showing off the tones of 
 their church bells at night; and every- 
 thing that has a steam whistle betrays 
 the same weakness. So it is hardly a 
 "nice quiet place" as it once was. 
 
 I will start this along and as soon as 
 I feel a little stronger, some days hence, 
 I will try again. 
 
 16 
 
MILAN, MAY II. 
 
 The whole Turkish army went down 
 the street in front of this hotel about two 
 o'clock this morning, frantically pursued 
 by the entire population of the place, 
 headed by the fire department, to the 
 accompaniment of all the church bells of 
 the city. I did not see this, but I know 
 from the noise they made that that was 
 what took place. Every few minutes 
 during the night they kill a man in the 
 street under our windows. His death 
 cries are something horrible; at least, that 
 is what it sounds like, although he may 
 be only selling fish. Any nervous person 
 seeking a quiet restful place to stay 
 should select one of these Italian cities, 
 and especially one where there are plenty 
 of church bells, all of which work over- 
 time, and where the silver-throated (?) 
 street hawker never sleeps. 
 
 But, despite these little drawbacks, we 
 like this place. Came here from Venice 
 two days ago. Must rest here long 
 enough to have our wardrobe and our 
 persons cleaned up a bit. 
 
 17 
 
LATER 
 
 Things are looking up. Had a piece 
 of real ham for breakfast 'smorning; 
 just thought I would try a change from 
 glucose and buns. By the way, the staple 
 breakfast food over here appears to be 
 about the only thing that can defy the 
 tooth of time (and man). Bronze, 
 marble, granite all decay, but the 
 ubiquitous hard-shell biscuit endures, and 
 bids fair to remain for centuries to come. 
 
 We have been to one more gallery 
 today and seen a few more Last Suppers, 
 a few more Holy Families and a few 
 more pictures of that human pin cushion, 
 Saint Sebastian, who, if he wore some- 
 thing besides a suit of arrows, would 
 look just like a real lady. 
 
 Of course, we have visited the Cathed- 
 ral. It is truly magnificent. 
 
 Think we shall go to Nice tomorrow, 
 return here a few days later and then 
 head northward toward the lakes. 
 
 Everything O. K. thus far, only we 
 miss you all very much. 
 
 18 
 
MILAN, MAY 14 
 
 Saw a flower garden the other day a 
 hundred miles long all the way from 
 Genoa to Nice; and all of it bordering 
 on the blue Mediterranean. It was very 
 beautiful. 
 
 I suppose it would not be nice not to 
 say nice things about Nice, so I will 
 just observe that we thought Nice a 
 nice place not noisy nor naughty; but 
 as for that *road-house a short distance 
 this side oh well, I managed to make 
 my expenses there, and then some. 
 
 Why didn't some of you tell me that 
 the Italian railroads are mostly under- 
 ground? But we do get occasional short 
 glimpses of the sky and the landscape. 
 Someone has compared it with a trip 
 through a flute, looking out as you pass 
 the holes, and that is not bad. 
 
 Nice is the only city I have ever seen 
 where everyone is in the hotel business 
 and where all the buildings are hotels. 
 They say there are about 250 of them. 
 
 Had a letter from the H's today. They 
 are just ahead of us and I feel that we 
 shall run across them somewhere before 
 long. I also think we shall find the L's 
 at Milan. 
 *Monte Carlo. 
 
 19 
 
Getting warm. Why doesn't some one 
 write? Don't you like us any more? 
 
 BELLAGIO, MAY 15. 
 
 At Monte Carlo the other day the 
 orchestra played "Alexander's Rag" and 
 "Beautiful Lady" in the cafe, and for a 
 moment or two we almost imagined we 
 could see the "entertainers" walking up 
 and down the room at Tait's; and at 
 this place last night they played "Yip I 
 Addy"; so you see we are not so very far 
 away. 
 
 As we go northward the butter blos- 
 soms grow smaller and smaller. Of 
 course you remember them. I suppose 
 we shall soon reach the zone where the 
 butter shrub does not flourish at all, being 
 replaced by the Anheuser-Busch, so to 
 speak. Oh, that's an awful joke, for it's 
 "Pilsner" that is ahead of us. I think 
 someone must be looking over my 
 shoulder and can stand this no longer, 
 for at this point I was rudely interrupted 
 and dragged away to 
 
 20 
 
STRESA, MAY 17. 
 
 this place, which is very beautiful. To- 
 morrow we shall leave sunny Italy, after 
 a stay of just one month. Before going 
 I want to say that I think the greatest 
 institution in this country (after the 
 Pope) is the Concierge. He is truly a 
 wonder a walking encyclopedia, guide 
 book and time table all in one volume, 
 who speaks all languages and knows all 
 things; a patient, polite, polished gentle- 
 man. I usually purchase one on arrival at 
 one of these places. I find I can acquire a 
 very good article of concierge for from one 
 to five francs, and it is a good paying in- 
 vestment, as I can always extract from 
 him a vast amount of information that 
 is not obtainable elsewhere or, if it is, 
 the source is carefully concealed. This 
 man with the brass buttons and gold lace 
 will do anything and everything for you 
 if properly hypnotized in advance. 
 
 Next after him, and of scarcely less 
 importance, is the gentle and faithful 
 "facchino." What should we do without 
 him? He is the only person connected 
 with the railroads that appears to care 
 a , well, who appears to care any- 
 thing whatever for the passenger. True, 
 
 21 
 
the paternal government which operates 
 the railroads has taken care at every pos- 
 sible opportunity to so arrange matters as 
 to make two jobs grow where one grew 
 before for the facchino, but he deserves 
 all he gets, and you may be sure he gets 
 all he can. 
 
 Another interruption this time for 
 dinner. 
 
 LUCERNE, MAY 20. 
 
 There are three places in Europe that 
 I am going to buy as soon as I make one 
 more million. One is Sorrento, and this 
 place is the other two. I am thinking of 
 remaining here permanently, but don't 
 see how I can; so I am just thinking of it. 
 
 I have now trod in the footsteps 
 of Caesar, stood on the rostrum where 
 Antony delivered his celebrated funeral 
 sermon, got a bad fall on the bridge 
 where the sporty young Venetians rated 
 honest old Shylock "about me monies 
 and me usances,'* seen several balconies 
 any one of which might have served for 
 that cheap little scene between Romeo 
 and Juliet, and been photographed as one 
 of "Two Gentlemen at Verona"; and 
 
 22 
 
today, in this region, I have been to the 
 alleged birth-place of the great Swiss pa- 
 triot, where I viewed the statue on the 
 gates of Altorf, "which looks life, yet 
 neither breathes nor stirs," and find myself 
 wondering how much of it all is true, and 
 asking* 'Can Wm. Tell?" : ; ("Hurry 
 officer! He's all cut to pieces!"). 
 
 We go to Innsbruck next; then I think 
 Munich. We are now meeting the Duke 
 of Limburger and Prince "Pilsner" quite 
 frequently, and find them very pleasant 
 company. 
 
 We looked your way and tried to see 
 you all from the summit of Rigi. 
 
 Will somebody please write? 
 
 INNSBRUCK, MAY 22. 
 
 It must be very discouraging to be 
 born a calf anywhere in Southern Europe. 
 The poor creature never has any prospect 
 whatever of growing up to a happy and 
 useful cowhood, so to speak, but is sure 
 to be slaughtered to provide the universal 
 veal that is served everywhere here daily 
 at least twice. There is an old saying 
 "Weal, wine and winegar are werry good 
 wittles, I wow." Well, I can "wow" as 
 
 23 
 
to the wine and vinegar, but as for the 
 veal, if I never get any again that will 
 be soon enough. Those of you who do 
 not eat veal must have practiced vege- 
 tarianism over here. 
 
 I never heard that the Swiss are a 
 humorous people, but I have proof that 
 they have a highly developed sense of 
 humor. In the Schweizerhof hotel at Lu- 
 cerne there was a notice posted in all the 
 rooms to the effect that guests are earn- 
 estly requested not to fee the employes! 
 Now what do you think of that? I can 
 tell you what the employes think of it. 
 They don't think of it at all; they forget 
 it. 
 
 We had one of the finest rides today 
 that we have yet had anywhere, from 
 Lucerne through Zurich to this place. 
 It was magnificent, but I don't know how 
 Innsbruck is going to turn out; raining 
 tonight. 
 
 24 
 
MUNICH, MAY 24. 
 
 I wonder why the Germans sleep under 
 their beds instead of on them, as we do. 
 I refer to the practice of wearing a 
 feather bed over one*s self at night. I 
 wear mine on the floor. 
 
 This morning I bet the head waiter 
 seven "heller" against nine "pfennig** that 
 eggs and coffee cannot be brought to the 
 table at the same time. He lost, but I 
 have not yet been able to figure out how 
 much he owes me. Really these financial 
 contortions as we go from one country 
 to another are a great strain. 
 
 We arrived at this place without inci- 
 dent. The customs examinations at vari- 
 ous points are, as you know, most rigid 
 not. It is usually a farce ; in fact, if I had 
 only had the foresight to bring along a 
 piece of chalk I think I could have worked 
 the whole thing myself at most places. 
 The inspectors are generally content with 
 looking at the outside. One fellow did, 
 however, on one occasion pat one of my 
 grips quite affectionately; and yesterday 
 a bewhiskered German in this town re- 
 quired me to open a trunk. He then 
 feasted his eyes on an old shoe and a 
 paif of "as is** corsets, somewhat oyer- 
 
 25 
 
worked. Next he addressed me in what 
 I suppose were a few well chosen words, 
 although to the present time I have not 
 the remotest idea what he said. For all 
 I know he may have asked me if I was 
 friendly disposed toward the Kaiser, or 
 how I liked the beer of the country. 
 However, with great presence of mind 
 I replied in my choicest German "nein," 
 whereupon everything was duly chalked 
 and we were allowed to proceed. There 
 is no telling what might have happened 
 
 had I suddenly grown nervous and said 
 
 ten. 
 
 Raining here ever since we arrived; 
 so, gallery 'smorning theatre 'sevening. 
 Tomorrow, if it continues to rain Beer. 
 
 MUNICH, MAY 25. 
 
 Well, it did continue to rain. The 
 guide book says that the greatest industry 
 of Munich (or Miinchen), is the making 
 of beer. This is wrong. The greatest 
 industry of this place is the drinking of 
 beer. Only a comparatively small num- 
 ber of the inhabitants are engaged in 
 making the beer, while the entire popu- 
 lation appears to be busy from morning 
 till night or rather, until the next morn- 
 
 26 
 
ing at the (to them) delightful occu- 
 pation of drinking it. No wonder the 
 guide book says that the beer halls are 
 one of the greatest sights of the place. 
 I went to one on a Saturday night that 
 was one of the wettest sights I have ever 
 seen anywhere the famous Hofbrau- 
 haus. Ach! * Don't Munchen it! The 
 best thing we found there was the cab 
 that brought us away. 
 
 NUREMBERG, MAY 28. 
 
 We arrived at this place on what I 
 learned was Whit Sunday. At home I 
 should not have known it or cared a 
 whit about it, but here it seems it is 
 "some" holiday. The city was full of 
 strangers; streets decorated, procession, 
 etc. We got the only remaining room 
 in this hotel. It is about two by twice, 
 but I presume the bill will be two by three 
 times at least, for they appear to have a 
 wonderfully good system and nothing 
 is allowed to get away. 
 
 We have stopped buying gloves and 
 are now mostly shopping for laces out- 
 side the shops, which is a harmless and 
 inexpensive pastime. 
 
 27 
 *Have a (Jernuui uu^rprdt this frkt 
 
I said the chief industry of Munich is 
 the drinking of beer. The chief industry 
 of this place is the eating of sausages. 
 "Ach, de sausages!" 
 
 PRAGUE. MAY 30. 
 
 Did you ever notice that when a for- 
 eigner addresses you in his native tongue, 
 which you understand no more than a 
 cat would, all of the customary signs 
 and head shakings that usually denote 
 that you do not understand what is being 
 said, have no effect whatever upon him? 
 He keeps right on talking until he is out 
 of breath. I have had this experience 
 several times ; but now I have a new plan. 
 When I find that my head-shake, waving 
 of arms and legs and other protestations 
 are not heeded, I throw a few phrases 
 of Hawaiian at him. This always has 
 a quieting effect, and he stares at me, 
 probably wondering how many kinds of 
 
 a fool I am. He has already made 
 
 me feel like one kind. 
 
 There is certainly a mixture of tongues 
 here in this quaint old city. There is also 
 great hostility between the German in- 
 habitants and the Czechs (pronounced 
 Cheks). 
 
 zs 
 
BERLIN, JUNE 1. 
 
 I had to pinch myself today to see if 
 I were awake or dreaming. I seemed to 
 be on a beautiful green field, just outside 
 the city, witnessing a review of 25,000 
 troops, in bright parade uniforms, by the 
 War Lord of the German Empire; and 
 sure enough, it was all true. There was 
 the Kaiser, right in front of me, on horse- 
 back, surrounded by a score or two of 
 officers, all in brilliant uniforms; and in 
 the background, or rather all over the 
 field, the troops themselves infantry and 
 artillery, making a very beautiful and 
 striking picture. 
 
 The Emperor is rather short in stature 
 and, mounted on a small horse as he was, 
 did not look paticularly fierce or warlike. 
 We saw him twice thereafter on the same 
 day and I took a photograph of him. 
 
 They are telling a very good lese 
 majeste story here at the present time. 
 It is said that two citizens of the empire, 
 holding socialistic views, were walking 
 along the street one day, finding fault 
 with everything, criticizing the consti- 
 tuted authorities and in general comport- 
 ing themselves in a truly socialistic man- 
 ner. 
 
Finally one of them said "The Em- 
 peror is an idiot." The remark was 
 overheard by a policeman, who touched 
 the speaker on the shoulder and informed 
 him that he was under arrest. When 
 he demanded to know the nature of his 
 offence the officer told him that he had 
 just heard him call the Emperor an idiot. 
 
 "Oh, but wait a minute," said the 
 other; "I was referring to the Emperor 
 of Russia.** "Oh no,** replied the cop, 
 "that will not work; there is only one 
 Emperor who is an idiot; you come with 
 me.** 
 
 Hoch der Kaiser! 
 
 AMSTERDAM, JUNE 8. 
 
 Well, after seeing the Kaiser three 
 times in one day, visiting "dear old 
 Heidelberg,*' and floating down the 
 storied Rhine, I don*t see how I can ever 
 work again. 
 
 I don*t remember where I wrote from 
 last, but think it was Berlin. Since then 
 we have been to Hamburg, Frankfort, 
 Heidelberg, Cologne. If you compare 
 dates you will see that we are touching 
 only the very high places. It is begin- 
 ning to get a little wearing and we shall 
 
 30 
 
be glad to get to dear, quiet, restful Paris 
 and take a long breath (preparatory to 
 starting in). 
 
 The predicted collision with the H's 
 took place at Frankfort a few days ago. 
 No one was injured beyond a few slight 
 lip bruises. They were about to leave 
 for Nuremberg. 
 
 The L's are now back in Paris, so there 
 is a possibility of another collision; also 
 we may run across some of our P. P. I. 
 E. Embassadors, who, I notice, are visit- 
 ing the crowned heads and the banquet 
 halls over here. 
 
 At this place I encountered one more 
 money complication that I had not 
 counted on. Here you know it is the 
 * 'guelder" equal to about forty-one 
 cents in real money. Oh! what's the 
 use? 
 
 Prices are rather high here and we 
 hear a joke to the effect that the pur- 
 chasing power of a guelder is almost 
 equal to that of a German mark twen- 
 ty-four cents; and it is not so much of 
 a joke, either. 
 
 Going out now to do some more 
 shopping outside the shops. 
 
 Later: Bought some gloves. 
 
 31 
 
BRUSSELS, JUNE 12. 
 
 My word! But aren't the hotels all over 
 Europe proud of their "lifts"? Down 
 in Italy they are so anxious to have it 
 known that they possess such a con- 
 venience that they actually paint the 
 announcement of it upon the face of the 
 rocks about Sorrento and elsewhere in 
 letters six feet long or more. And such 
 lifts as they are! They make an Ameri- 
 can smile. They are all of the electric 
 type and many of them will carry but 
 two passengers besides the small boy who 
 operates them and who, I have no doubt, 
 is selected for the place on account of 
 his light weight. But this same boy, 
 dressed in livery, with innumerable brass 
 buttons and wearing a sort of military 
 cap, usually presents a very smart ap- 
 pearance, and his manner and bearing are 
 quite soldierly as he opens the awkward 
 doors with which all their elevators are 
 equipped, steps out and salutes as you 
 enter or leave the cage; although his 
 eternal "grazie," "bitte" or, if he hap- 
 pens to know a word of English, "pleece" 
 gets on one's nerves after a while, when 
 repeated every time an elevator door is 
 opened. 
 
 32 
 
They also have another curious cus- 
 tom among servants over here, espec- 
 ially hotel and restaurant waiters. If 
 you ask one of them to do you some ser- 
 vice, bring you some article of food or the 
 like, when he complies with your request 
 he always says, ' Thank you,'* leaving 
 you with nothing to say. This really 
 seems absurd. 
 
 PARIS, JUNE 17. 
 
 Here is the dear old place at last, with 
 the accent on the dear. They seem rather 
 glad to see us, and I suppose this feeling 
 will last as long as the money does; but 
 I will not say much of this feature after 
 Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Volendam and 
 the other Dutch cities with profane 
 names. The people of those thrifty 
 burgs are past masters in the art of 
 separating a man from his money. 
 
 The weather here is very cool. Rained 
 fiercely all yesterday forenoon and to 
 keep out of the wet we went into the 
 Louvre and walked past a few miles of 
 pictures. Saw on the walls many of our 
 old friends of the past two months: 
 Saint Sebastian is still getting stuck at 
 every throw, so to speak, and poor Su- 
 
 33 
 
sannah is still making unsuccessful at- 
 tempts to get a bath. She has now tried 
 every way; first in the supposed seclusion 
 of her boudoir, where, apparently, she 
 forgot to lock the door; next in a place 
 that looks like a beer hall in the picture; 
 and finally, as you remember, was driven 
 into a garden, where she made a last 
 stand among the shrubbery. But it was 
 no use; the two old "Elders," with their 
 scrambled hair and whiskers were on 
 hand at every turn, so that Susannah, 
 who was a shy, retiring damsel, has 
 accomplished nothing in the bathing line 
 up to this stage except to get her feet 
 washed and her toe-nails manicured in 
 the garden by a rather good looking 
 blonde handmaiden; and now the latest 
 is the picture where they are trying the 
 girl. Surely she has had a very trying 
 experience. I think the Elders should 
 have been tried, and I doubt if Susannah 
 was as bad as she is painted. This, how- 
 ever, is faint praise, for some of her 
 pictures are awful. 
 
 To go back a bit; I think you all told 
 me that in Holland everyone speaks 
 English. Well, perhaps they do; here 
 is a specimen I got from the hotel con- 
 cierge at Amster in reply to an in- 
 
 34 
 
quiry as to the location of a certain place: 
 (pointing) "It is here down before turn- 
 ing to the left and then straight up." 
 Lucid, wasn't it? I adopted the only 
 safe course in such cases took a cab. 
 
 PARIS, JUNE 25. 
 
 The weather has been hot, and little 
 Willie, with his accustomed contrariness, 
 has caught a very bad cold. This morn- 
 ing I could not speak. I met a man from 
 home, who asked "How are you?" but 
 I couldn't tell him except by making 
 signs. But I know how it happened. 
 We went to a variety show Saturday 
 night (and Sunday morning), where the 
 girls on the stage wore so little clothing 
 that it gave me a chill. One or two more 
 specimens like that and I will guarantee 
 to go through any gallery in Europe with- 
 out blinders. 
 
 "A street there is in Paris famous 
 For which no rhyme our language yields. 
 Rue Neuve Des Petit Champs its name is, 
 The new street of the little fields." 
 
 Now that was well enough for Thack- 
 eray, who merely wanted to sing the 
 praises of a dish of Bouillibaisse (if that's 
 
 35 
 
the way to spell it), eaten in a "cabinet 
 particular" in that street, with pleasant 
 company, but the present atmosphere 
 about here is more suggestive of some- 
 thing like the following: 
 
 A street there is in Paris famous, 
 Where only millionaires should stray; 
 Rue de la Pay its proper name is, 
 For all who enter there must pay. 
 
 For me the only safe way to navigate 
 Rue de la Paix is to invest a franc in a 
 cab and keep as near the center of the 
 street as possible. 
 
 Well, our stay here is drawing to a 
 close and I begin to realize that within 
 a few days, or just as I have begun 
 to speak the language of the coun- 
 try (albeit with great difficulty es- 
 pecially for my hearers), and drink the 
 wine fluently, I must tear myself away 
 and exchange "thy cornfields green and 
 sunny vines, oh pleasant land of France'* 
 for gloomy England; exchange the shiny 
 franc for the grimy shilling and once 
 more adjust what remains of my tired 
 intellect to a new system of reckoning 
 money. But there is one comforting 
 reflection in connection with this feature; 
 it cannot last long, for the money is 
 almost gone. 
 
 36 
 
My conclusion is that "gay Paree" is 
 sadly in need of having its face washed. 
 
 This opinion is confirmed by those who 
 have been here before, and the condition 
 is reluctantly admitted by the natives. 
 And to what do you suppose they at- 
 tribute it? To the Americans, of course. 
 The Americans, they say, have spoiled 
 Paris; but I notice the Parisians appear to 
 greatly enjoy the spoiling process. 
 
 I have just learned the rule for pro- 
 nouncing the names of some of these 
 French places. You pronounce the word 
 the way you think is wrong and you us- 
 ually find that you are taken for a French- 
 man. By the way, if A-u-t-e-u-i-l spells 
 "Ohtye" (and they say it does), why 
 doesn't O-a-t-m-e-a-l spell "Oh my*'? 
 Don't you think I had better come home 
 after that? 
 
 In a former letter I think I spoke of 
 noises in Italian cities. Why, the people 
 of those places are mere amateurs at noise 
 making compared with the Parisians. 
 The variety of noises the latter produce 
 and their powers of endurance are some- 
 thing marvelous. 
 
 I will conclude this series of disjointed 
 vaporings in London, D. V. 
 
 37 
 
LONDON, JULY 4. 
 
 We escaped from the boiler works (I 
 nearly wrote broiler there were a few 
 there), at noon on Saturday, arriving here 
 same evening, via Calais and Dover. The 
 much dreaded Channel was as smooth as 
 a French waiter's countenance. 
 
 Up to this point, while we have seen 
 many intensely interesting things, and 
 been in many historical spots, yet the at- 
 mosphere about such places has seemed 
 distinctly foreign; but on arriving at Ca- 
 lais and getting on board a steamer 
 where you hear your mother tongue all 
 about you, and see the counterpart of 
 familiar objects and methods, I believe 
 the average American is likely to ex- 
 perience a slight tightening of the muscles 
 of the throat and a feeling that now he 
 is among his own kind at home, and 
 will take an even deeper interest in what 
 he sees about him, representing, as it 
 does, what has been accomplished 
 throughout the centuries by people of 
 his own race. 
 
 As we approached the English coast, I 
 noticed a somewhat familiar looking ob- 
 ject perched high upon the cliff in the shape 
 of a bill board, and shortly thereafter I 
 
 38 
 
was able to read a familiar legend em- 
 blazoned thereon, namely: 
 
 "CARTER'S LITTLE LIVER PILLS." 
 
 Then, indeed, did we feel that we were 
 coming into our own. 
 
 As it was rather late before we were 
 ready for dinner after arrival, we had 
 a steak and a mug of stout, egad, Sir! 
 Thereafter my side whiskers commenced 
 to grow, and now I am going to get a 
 square-crowned hat and a pair of top 
 boots. I already have the red face, and, 
 alas, I fear I have the embonpoint to 
 complete the picture. 
 
 The next day I took tea in the "ahftuh- 
 neune." Awfully jolly I don't think. 
 
 More pictures here, that simply must be 
 seen. All the old friends here again. The 
 old Rubberneck Brothers still spying on 
 Susannah, and Saint Sebastian still losing. 
 
 One more opportunity here to save 
 money by buying gloves. The more 
 gloves you buy, the more money you save ; 
 at least, that is the way it sounds. 
 
 The weather here is rather "nahsty" 
 raining a good deal of the time and cold, 
 but we manage to get about. 
 
 39 
 
LONDON. JULY 10. 
 
 At home we hear a great deal about 
 the absolute control over street traffic ex- 
 ercised by the London police. I think this 
 is misleading. There is no more inherent 
 force in a policeman of this city than 
 there is in "wan of the foinest" in New 
 York, or any other large American city. 
 
 The secret of the London man's success 
 lies in the greater respect for the law on 
 the part of those conducting the traffic 
 than is commonly met with in our coun- 
 try; and "pity 'tis 'tis true." The out- 
 stretched arm of the policeman here is 
 regarded, not as a warning, but merely 
 as a guide; and, so far as I can judge, 
 there is never any attempt at evasion, nor 
 any disposition to question the holding 
 up of a line of vehicles of all kinds a 
 block or two in length. The man who 
 gives the signal often with his back 
 turned represents the law, and that is 
 enough. The signal is implicitly obeyed 
 without complaint. 
 
 The London policeman is not a particu- 
 larly impressive looking individual ; rather 
 the opposite, with his simple uniform, 
 dearth of brass buttons, and absence of 
 any kind of weapon; but they seem to 
 
 40 
 
be very patient and obliging in the matter 
 of answering questions, and also well in- 
 formed. I have not seen a gray-haired 
 man among them. 
 
 This town is full of "those rude Ameri- 
 cans, you know"? also full of rude 
 American dollars, and both appear to be 
 quite popular. Last night we went to see 
 "The Pink Lady," done by an American 
 company. During the performance an 
 English lady sitting near us said to her 
 companion, "But can you understand 
 what they say?" And this, in spite of 
 the fact that the English admit that the 
 Americans speak the language better 
 than they themselves do. 
 
 LONDON, JULY 11. 
 
 I attended a session of the House of 
 Commons, yesterday, and also the House 
 of Lords. Saw Asquith, Churchill, Red- 
 mond, Lloyd George, Austen Chamber- 
 lain and several other heavy weights. 
 Parliament always seems to have it in for 
 the Irish. In the Commons they were dis- 
 cussing the foot and mouth disease, which 
 recently broke out among cattle, they 
 claim in Ireland, from whence it was 
 
 41 
 
brought into England, and is causing quite 
 a stir here. The papers are full of it daily; 
 and in the Lords they were discussing 
 Irish standard time; that is, they were 
 attempting to have Ireland adopt the 
 Greenwich standard instead of the Dublin 
 which is now used. You may be sure there 
 was strong opposition, as there is to most 
 measures proposed by England to be ap- 
 plied to Ireland in fact, standard time in 
 the Emerald Isle would seem to be a hard 
 time. 
 
 At first it seemed a little strange to 
 hear these supposedly august bodies of 
 law makers legislating on such common- 
 place subjects as cattle disease and stand- 
 ard time, until I reflected that here there 
 is no inferior body, corresponding to our 
 state legislature, hence parliament must 
 handle small as well as great matters. 
 
 There doesn't appear to be much more 
 to remain here for. The King and Queen 
 have seen us twice, which ought to satisfy 
 them; and so we expect to sail FOR 
 HOME on the 14th, from Southampton. 
 
 And now, gentle reader, if I may antic- 
 ipate the usual question "Are you go- 
 ing again?" I will answer Yes, I hope 
 
 42 
 
to make the trip again after I get strong 
 enough, z/by that time the style of ladies' 
 wearing apparel shall have changed to the 
 extent that gowns hook up in front instead 
 of at the back. 
 
 Sorrowfully, 
 
 LITTLE WILLIE 
 
 43 
 
745198 
 
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 /Vf 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY