ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 FRANCES COURTENAY BAYLORS 

 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 
 
 
 
 IB* 
 

 
 ? / 2 
 

 
 s 
 
 TORIES BY 
 
 FRANCES COURTENAY BAYLOR. 
 
 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 I2mo. Cloth, $1.25. 
 
 " A novel, entertaining from beginning to end, with brightness that 
 never falls flat, that always suggests something beyond the mere amuse 
 ment, that will be most enjoyed by those of most cultivation, that is clever, 
 keen, and intellectual enough to be recognized as genuine wit, and yet 
 good-natured and amiable enough to be accepted as the most delightful 
 humor. It is not fun, but intelligent wit; it is not mere comicality, but 
 charming humor; it is not a collection of bright sayings of clever people, 
 but a reproduction of ways of thought and types of manner infinitely en 
 tertaining to the reader, while not in the least funny to the actor, or 
 intended by him to appear funny. It is inimitably good as a rendering of 
 the peculiarities of British and of American nature and training, while it 
 is so perfectly free from anything like ridicule, that the victims would be the 
 first to smile." The Critic. 
 
 BEHIND THE BLUE RIDGE. 
 
 I2mo. Cloth, $1.25. 
 
 " It is lightened through and through by humor as subtle and sponta 
 neous as any that ever brightened the dark pages of life history, and is 
 warmed by that keen sympathy and love for human nature which trans 
 figures and ennobles everything it touches." Chicago Tribune. 
 
 " Intensely dramatic in construction, rich in color, picturesque in de 
 scription, and artistic in its setting. No more delightful picture of the 
 every-day life of the Virginia mountaineers could well be imagined." 
 Philadelphia Record. 
 
 A SHOCKING EXAMPLE, 
 
 AND OTHER SKETCHES. I2mo. Cloth, $1.25. 
 
 " Rarely have we enjoyed a more delightful series of literary enter 
 tainments than have been afforded by the handsome volume containing 
 fourteen stories and sketches from the bright pen of Frances Courtenay 
 Baylor, whose ' On Both Sides' has won for her so enviable a reputation 
 on both sides of the Atlantic." Boston Home Journal . 
 
 Miss Baylor's complete works (" A Shocking Example," " On 
 Both Sides," and " Behind the Blue Ridge"), three volumes, in 
 box, $3.75. 
 
 For sale by all Booksellers. Sent by the Publishers, 
 post-paid, on receipt of the price. J. B. Lippincott 
 Company, 715 and 717 Market Street, Philadelphia.
 
 OJST BOTH SIDES. 
 
 A NOYEL. 
 
 BY 
 
 FRANCES COURTENAY BAYLOR. 
 
 TENTH EDITION. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY. 
 
 1892.
 
 Copyright, 1885, by FRANCES COURTENAY BAYWR-
 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 "ON BOTH SIDES" originally appeared in " Lippincott's 
 Magazine" in two stories, or rather a story in two parts, 
 called "The Perfect Treasure" and "On this Side," 
 supposed to be illustrative of certain phases of so 
 cial life in England and the United States. These 
 are ro^v bound together (as I earnestly trust that John 
 Bull and his cousin Jonathan may be in the future, 
 however divided in the- past), and have been rechris- 
 tened, to avoid a wealth of title which the author fears 
 would only illustrate afresh the dcceitfulness of riches, 
 since no one story any more than one individual can 
 reasonably be expected to carry out all that would be 
 
 promised and vowed in three names. 
 
 F. C. B. 
 
 ELM WOOD, August 26, 1885. 
 
 550621
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE.

 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 
 
 i. 
 
 IIATE in the autumn of '73, Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher, 
 wealthy and refined Americans of the best type, re 
 turned to England after an extended tour on the Con 
 tinent, and decided to spend the winter in Cheltenham, 
 one of the gayest and most agreeable of the English 
 watering-places still, though not as fashionable as in the 
 palmy days when poor George III. sipped the waters 
 of the Eoyal Wells, and the fine gentlemen and cqurt 
 beauties danced, drank, gamed, raced, laughed, loved, 
 lived in the .idle profligacy and splendor of the period, 
 and brought in their train such a crowd of tradesmen, 
 parasites, henchmen, tire- women, lackeys, pleasure- 
 seekers, and snobs as sent the place up from a village to 
 a large town more rapidly than if a gold-mine had been 
 discovered in the neighborhood. 
 
 It was agreed that Mrs. Fletcher should stay there 
 while her husband " ran over to New York," as he 
 phrased it, and put his affairs upon a footing that would 
 admit of their devoting the following summer to Nor 
 way and Sweden and perhaps another winter to some 
 unexplored country to be decided upon later. Both 
 were inveterate travellers, and had the health, the 
 
 1* 5
 
 6 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 spirits, and the intelligence which can alone make the 
 social nomadism of our day either pleasant or profitable, 
 to say nothing of a purse that gave to their journeys 
 all the comfort of a royal progress without its ennui. 
 They were not alone; for where is the American who 
 has the courage or the heart to travel abroad with no 
 other companion than the wife of his bosom ? He may 
 hate going about the world with a menagerie, and 
 shrink from the prospect of rambling over strange 
 countries in charge of several thread-paper females, 
 being held accountable for the safety of sixteen Sara 
 toga trunks, wrangling in unknown tongues, and pay 
 ing enormous bills. He may feel that to regulate the 
 largest business interests in the United States and 
 manage any number of banks and factories and rail 
 roads is nothing to such an undertaking. He may even 
 be the slave of the lamp, and have rubbed away half 
 his physical and mental layers of strength and sensi 
 bility for twenty years that Mrs. Aladdin may live on 
 Fifth Avenue and have a roc's-egg chandelier, and he 
 may have always looked forward to a time when it 
 would no longer be necessary to sacrifice himself to the 
 American Moloch "business," and he could take that 
 admirable modern substitute for the wings of a dove, 
 a Cunarder, and with another "dearer self" seek the 
 relaxation and amusement so sadly needed. But who 
 ever carried out this delightful and impossible day 
 dream ? From the moment a trip to Europe is decided 
 upon, the stars in their courses fight against such an 
 arrangement. He tells his wife, who straightway com 
 municates the interesting fact to their joint families, 
 who think it (with certain modifications) "perfectly
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 7 
 
 splendid ! It would be so nice for sister Lucy to go !" 
 or, "Margaret is out of health, and nothing else will 
 cure her ;" or " Kate has a wonderful voice, which must 
 be cultivated ;" or, " Mother has always wanted to go 
 abroad ;" or, " Jack ought really to be sent to Heidel 
 berg." And so that most unselfish and generous of all 
 male creatures (who ought always to be painted with a 
 nimbus around his head), the American husband, gives 
 in, after one or two feeble remonstrances, perhaps, and 
 Bails on the " Scythia" or the ".Russia" with a full comple 
 ment of petticoated barnacles, and wears his necklace 
 of millstones ever after with the beautiful unconscious 
 grace of the hero and none of the airs of a martyr, and 
 hosts of foreigners hold up their hands and puzzle their 
 heads over the strange spectacle. At least they did, 
 until experience taught them it was a national pecu 
 liarity. 
 
 But this is straying from my theme, and is a very 
 roundabout way of saying that Mrs. Fletcher was not 
 left to languish alone in Cheltenham, but had the society 
 of a rather low-spirited mother-in-law, a cheerful sister, 
 and a charmingly pretty and accomplished cousin. A 
 furnished house on the Promenade was taken for these 
 ladies, and two hours after their effects were moved in 
 from the Plough Hotel one might have supposed that 
 the establishment had been organized for twenty years. 
 
 Not only was it in perfect order and provided with 
 every comfort and luxury, including a staif of well- 
 trained servants as noiseless as the white cats of the 
 fairy-tale, but some minor details had been attended to 
 that made their arrival seem almost like a home-coming. 
 The jardinieres in the windows wero a mass of color;
 
 8 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 cut-flowers were placed about the reception-room ; the 
 London papers, aired and the leaves cut, had been laid 
 on the drawing-room table; and two small red-plush 
 tea-tables and sleepy-hollow chairs had been drawn 
 near a glowing coal fire which was doing its best to 
 take the chill off the November day. A comfortable- 
 looking, round-bodied bronze tea-kettle hissed on the 
 hob ; a brisk, busy little clock ticked cheerfully on the 
 mantel-shelf; and the ladies had hardly laid aside their 
 wraps when Walton the butler appeared with a huge 
 silver tray, which he bore in with as much dignity as 
 if he had been offering them the keys of the city on a 
 velvet cushion, or figuring in a Lord-Mayor's show. 
 
 On that tray was a set of dainty Worcester china, 
 with a gorgeous tea-cosey extinguishing the too volatile 
 butterflies on the teapot, and the thinnest possible slices 
 of buttered bread, and a covered dish of the incomparable 
 Cheltenham muffins, than which nothing can be lighter 
 or browner or more buttery or more entirely satisfac 
 tory. And when Walton had asked in a husky whisper 
 whether they "would be pleased to ring if there was 
 anything more required," and vanished, there was an 
 amount of tea-drinking done that would have shocked 
 Dr. Johnson. " The trimmings," as Mr. Fletcher face 
 tiously put it, were not neglected ; and I doubt whether 
 the accumulated noises of the solemn old house for the 
 past century would have amounted to as much cheerful 
 racket as was made by the merry family party. 
 
 " I am glad I am going home," said Mr. Fletcher, 
 " instead of staying here in the trying role of master to 
 that very superior domestic Walton. I couldn't do it : 
 he would find me out in a week. I should never dare
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 9 
 
 to be helped thrice to anything, unless it was ' cold 
 boiled missionary,' of which he might approve, for he 
 looks like an archbishop. I felt that he was my master 
 the moment he took my overcoat down-stairs. I lost 
 confidence in my tailor on the spot. I felt as though I 
 had come home from school for the holidays, or done 
 something that I could only atone for by assuming an 
 apologetic attitude and entering upon a course of sys 
 tematic propitiation." 
 
 " Nonsense, Ned ! how absurd you are !" commented 
 his wife. " Besides, he who propitiates under such cir 
 cumstances is lost." 
 
 " Oh, you may be sure I didn't give way to the im 
 pulse. I frowned, and looked as though my temper 
 was bad, and got up-stairs as soon as possible. I 
 shouldn't in the least mind meeting the Prince of 
 Wales, or the Lord Chancellor ; but there is something 
 inexpressibly awe-inspiring about the British flunkey. 
 Deny it as we may, very few Americans can honestly 
 say that they feel themselves a match for the majestic, 
 inscrutable creature." 
 
 " Dear me, Kate ! you have never kept house in Eng 
 land ; and, though you are a famous manager at home, 
 don't you rather dread the idea?" said the rather- 
 alarmed Lucy; but Mrs. Fletcher lowered her calm 
 eyelids and replied, " You'll see I'll be a match for them, 
 f shall make mistakes, of course, at first ; but I shall 
 get one of the natives to enlighten me as to their sys 
 tem as soon as we present our letters, and show myself 
 plus royaliste que le roi, a rigid stickler for all my rights, 
 and a great respecter of theirs. It is the only way to 
 get along comfortably with servants anywhere."
 
 10 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " Katherine pants for the fray, as anybody can see," 
 said Mr. Fletcher. " When I get back from New York 
 I shall expect to find the magisterial Walton meekly 
 engaged on the knives and boots, and the other servants 
 mere door-mats. Even in the ' land of the free,' you 
 know, there was something about her that made 
 Bridget stammer when asking if she was the woman 
 that wanted a ' gurl' and announcing that ' she was the 
 lady that had come for the washing.' " 
 
 " We shall be fearfully cheated, and had much better 
 have stayed at the hotel, as I suggested," said Mrs. 
 Fletcher senior from behind the " Times," in a muffled 
 voice of disapprobation. 
 
 The dressing-bell put an end to this discussion. Lucy 
 and Jenny Meredith, who had been rambling about the 
 room admiring the cabinets and old china, were promptly 
 sent to their rooms, and the other ladies soon followed, 
 encountering two rosy maids armed with hot- water cans 
 in the hall outside. 
 
 A capital little dinner was served by the "arch 
 bishop," assisted by a very young and irresolute foot 
 man, who made wild dashes at the side-tables when 
 anything was asked for, and was always headed off by 
 his superior, who paralyzed him with a look, set down 
 the dish he carried, substituted the proper vegetable or 
 condiment with noiseless despatch, and retired into the 
 background to await further orders. Indeed, he made 
 a "function" of the meal, and the ladies exchanged 
 glances when, on Mr. Fletcher's asking for a second 
 supply of game, Walton glided forward and said re 
 spectfully, " Beg pardon, sir, it has all been served." 
 
 When the door finally closed on him after coffee had
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 11 
 
 been served, Jenny burst out with " What a relief! 
 Really, Kate, that man makes a 'cold baked meats' 
 affair of every meal ; and, as for me, I feel like what I 
 once heard called at a funeral ' the dear remains.' The 
 oppressive stillness and overpowering gentility of this 
 arrangement is quite stifling, and tells on my democratic 
 nerves. Why not take one of those rosy pretty little 
 creatures in stuff dresses and white caps as parlor-maid 
 instead ? The way we all discussed the state of Ireland 
 and the Tichborne case and the elections was something 
 delightful to hear!" 
 
 " I've often thought," said Mr. Fletcher, " that, as we 
 never can talk of anything that interests us before 
 servants, it would only be fair to ask them what sub 
 jects would most interest them." 
 
 "And I think intelligent servants a fearful bore. 
 You know in the South we are rather apt to think of 
 them as ' it,' an impersonal contrivance for giving us 
 what we want, without any embarrassing or disagree 
 able features whatever," Jenny replied. 
 
 " Walton has a secret grief, or only one lung, or a 
 great enthusiasm, or something that lifts him above his 
 fellow-men, and the menial estate in which we find him 
 only adds to his melancholy without obscuring his in 
 herent dignity," said Mr. Fletcher. "Have you noticed, 
 Kate, how like our print of Melancthon he is ?" 
 
 " I notice that he is my beau-ideal of a servant ; and 
 if I could only give him half my income and induce him 
 to go home with us, I should feel it a bargain to be 
 proud of. The conversation, though, is losing its intel 
 lectual tone, isn't it?" And Mrs. Kate led the way to 
 the drawing-room.
 
 12 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 In the course of the following week the Fletchers 
 presented their letters of introduction to two influential 
 families, and were received with the kindness which 
 characterizes English hospitality when a guest is 
 properly i.e., formally commended, and which, al 
 though less promiscuous than our own often indis 
 criminate entertainment of man and beas*, is equally 
 genuine and hearty in its way. Mr. Fletcher was put 
 up at the club as a visitor, though he protested that it 
 was not worth while, under the circumstances. Tickets 
 were sent for the approaching assembly, and invitations 
 to luncheons, teas, drums, dinners, and parties of every 
 kind poured in upon them. As a family they were 
 received with great favor, and society was engaged in 
 dealing, and Walton in shuffling, cards diligently for 
 several weeks. 
 
 Mr. Fletcher was pronounced " an uncommonly gen 
 tlemanly, agreeable fellow." Mrs. Fletcher senior, who 
 wore the blackest possible dresses and the whitest pos 
 sible caps, was evidently of quite appalling respecta 
 bility; and her manner, which had a curious rigidity 
 that passed for hauteur, together with a way she had of 
 trampling people down with the heel of assertion on all 
 occasions, seemed to make a very favorable impression. 
 Indeed, she was called " a most aristocratic old gentle 
 woman" by a certain mondaine, and took up the study 
 of " Debrett's Peerage" and convinced herself that be 
 cause her grandmother was a McSomething she waw 
 descended from Rob Roy. 
 
 People soon found that young and handsome as Mrs. 
 Kate was, in the large, fair order of loveliness, she was 
 not in the very least degree fast or flirtatious : so she
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 13 
 
 received the high meed of praise embodied in "good 
 form." As for the girls, they were both admired, though 
 in very different degrees. Lucy, who had a pretty little 
 figure, the national clothes-wearing faculty, and a pair 
 of wonderfully fine eyes, with a yard or so of eyelashes 
 veiling them, was thought " a nice girl," simply ; but 
 Jenny created a furor. She was a thorough-paced 
 American beauty, of the flower-like and ethereal type, 
 and had an air of distinction that was far more charm 
 ing than any merely physical charm. She had been the 
 belle of a second-rate Southern city, indulged beyond 
 belief, and had really scarcely any education except such 
 as a refined home and a love of reading had given her, 
 and where she learned to dress, walk, dance, talk, and 
 appear as she did, is a mystery which can only be solved 
 by her versatile and clever countrywomen who achieve 
 the same feat every day. Music was part of her family 
 inheritance, and she played brilliantly. Always a deli 
 cate girl, she had not been kept closely at her books, yet 
 gave every one the impression that she was very highly 
 educated. Accustomed to the informal social atmos 
 phere of a provincial tOAvn, she somehow never offended 
 against the rigid convenances of English life, and in any 
 capital of Europe would have been singled out for 
 admiring notice. 
 
 None of the party had ever been long enough in 
 England to know anything of its social aspects. Mrs. 
 Kate's first care was to master the details of English 
 housekeeping. She began by consulting a new friend, 
 an old lady who had the reputation of being a domestic 
 Wellington, and together they went into the ques 
 tions of beer-money, board-wages, charwoman's perqui-
 
 14 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 sites, tradesmen's books, coal-siftings, bread soakings, 
 cheese parings, and the like marvels of good manage 
 ment. When Mrs. Kate got home that day, she said to 
 the girls, " Well, I used to think that I knew something 
 about housekeeping and economy, and all that, but it 
 seems that I have been an ignorant and wasteful house 
 wife after all. I find that I could have supported a 
 couple of families on what I have always thrown away, 
 and that in a well-ordered Northern household !" 
 
 The very next day, as she was looking over the week's 
 bills, with their confusing ha'pennies and farthings, the 
 cook tapped at the door, entered, courtesied, and said, 
 " If you please, mem, you have not yet mentioned what 
 you want me to do with the drippings." 
 
 "Good gracious! what can the woman be talking 
 about ?" thought the mistress ; but, like Mr. Toots at 
 the commercial dinner when his neighbor suddenly de 
 manded fiercely what he would do with the raw mate 
 rial, she replied, " Cook it," with diplomatic vagueness. 
 
 " Yes, mem, I quite understood about that ; but what 
 then?" urged cook. 
 
 " Why, set it aside to cool," replied Mrs. Kate calmly. 
 
 "And after that, mem?" said cook, driving her mis 
 tress unconsciously into a corner. 
 
 " I have not quite decided yet, but I will let you know 
 to-morrow when I come down to give the orders. You 
 can go now," responded the mistress with decision. 
 
 Go she did ; and Mrs. Kate, putting on her bonnet, 
 rushed around to her Mentor, and was? told that " drip 
 pings," the fatty substance exuding from the various 
 meats, formed an important perquisite in some house 
 holds for cook, who sold \t for eighteenpence a pound j
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 15 
 
 while in others an untold saving was effected by using 
 it to make cakes and fry fish. 
 
 The cook was in a state of subdued radiance when 
 she was informed that alf the drippings were to be hers, 
 and great was the amusement of the Americans over the 
 episode. Mrs. Fletcher had demonstrated her capacity 
 for governing, and from that time everything went as 
 smoothly as possible. She found in Walton an invalu 
 able aide-de-camp. A dozen times a day one or other 
 of the ladies, who had had the most afflicting experience 
 of the domestic service of America, would break out 
 into warm praise of that " perfect treasure," that swift, 
 noiseless, capable, respectful, honest creature. "Walton 
 paid their bills and accounted scrupulously for every 
 penny; he picked up and returned careless Jenny's 
 purse over and over again ; he ordered their bouquets, 
 bought gloves, matched ribbons with feminine discre 
 tion and success. He escorted them to and from all 
 sorts of places, was invaluable on picnics and excur 
 sions, and several times went up to London on errands 
 for them. He was never tired, or pert, or saucy. He 
 never once forgot or neglected a duty, or seemed to see 
 or hear anything not intended for him. His talent for 
 admitting the right and excluding the wrong callers 
 was not the least remarkable of his gifts. In short, as 
 his mistress once exclaimed, with rapture, he was " the 
 most perfect product o European civilization, and there 
 isn't such a servant on the whole American continent." 
 Mrs. Fletcher senior was so impressed by the thoughtful 
 care for her comfort evinced by his sending the footman 
 with galoshes, wraps, and umbrella to church for her 
 whenever it rained, without waitiag for orders, that she
 
 16 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 confidentially told her greatest friend the widow of a 
 general officer, much interested, like herself, in such 
 matters that she was quite sure that Walton came 
 morganatically or surreptitiously of good blood, and 
 added that " the last of the Plantagenets died a butcher." 
 
 While he was developing all these excellencies in the 
 seclusion of the servants' hall, the young ladies of the 
 house were finding in the festivities of the season and 
 the novelty of their surroundings a fresh and piquant 
 interest. At the first dinner-party to which they went, 
 two or three things happened that gave unusual zest to 
 the prosaic occupation of eating. Lucy was taken in 
 by a stout gentleman, who, like Thackeray's aldermen, 
 seemed to have but one idea, " gorging, guzzling, and 
 gormandizing," and did not address her until coffee 
 appeared, when he suddenly roused himself, and, mis 
 taking her for her Southern cousin, asked whether it 
 was " her father or her grandfather who was a black.'' 
 
 Lucy had barely succeeded in setting forth her claim 
 to be regarded as a member of the Caucasian race, when 
 the conversation turned upon women's rights, and she 
 was obliged to disclaim the distinction of belonging to 
 that party, which no doubt reassured her companion as 
 to her feminine cast of character; for he presently 
 asked her if she was fond of sewing, and if she em 
 broidered her flannel petticoats, as his sisters were in 
 the habit of doing. , 
 
 Meanwhile, Jenny had fallen to the lot of a very High- 
 Church, pensive-looking young clergyman, and was con 
 verting him, sentimentally, into pulp, while he was 
 trying to gain some insight into her favorite pursuits 
 by putting questions that puzzled her. " Do you col-
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 17 
 
 lect?" said he, with an earnest glance at his pretty 
 neighbor. 
 
 "He means subscriptions, of course," thought Jenny; 
 then, 'aloud, " No, never. I can't ask people for money 
 for anytb'ng. They either refuse altogether or patronize 
 one for six months afterward on the strength of a fifty- 
 cent subscription." 
 
 " You have quite misunderstood me," put in the curate 
 hastily, with a little blush. " I was talking of stamps, 
 and autographs, and that kind of thing, you know." 
 
 Whereupon Jenny announced that she did not, and 
 never would, " collect," and the conversation trickled 
 feebly in another direction for a while. 
 
 Presently he said, with a profoundly interested air, 
 "Do you splutter?" 
 
 " Splutter ! splutter !" thought Jenny. " "What can 
 the man mean ? Do I fall down in an epileptic fit occa 
 sionally and foam at the mouth ?" Then, aloud, " No, 
 not often. Do you?" 
 
 " I don't ; but they all do at home. My six sisters 
 are always at it." 
 
 "The whole family! It can't be fits!" thought 
 Jenny, thoroughly mystified. "Dear me!" she ex 
 claimed. " Do tell me how they manage it." 
 
 The curate, enchanted by her dimpled vivacity, gave 
 a very elaborate description of a process by which, with 
 a comb, a tooth-brush, and a bottle of India ink, the 
 exact impression of any fern can be transferred to 
 paper, linen, or satin ; and Jenny hypocritically prom 
 ised to " try it some dull day when she had got herself 
 on her hands." 
 
 That night the girls exchanged experiences as they 
 b 2*
 
 18 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 put on their dressing-gowns and took down their back- 
 hair, and they agreed that the impossibility of knowing 
 what would be said next gave an indescribable charm 
 to the social situation in England ; though Jenny, de 
 scended from a Virginian signer of the Declaration, and 
 immensely proud, within well-bred limits, of her English 
 ancestry, was rendered speechless on hearing that she 
 had been supposed to be one or two removes from " a 
 black." 
 
 Nor did their impression of the astounding lengths 
 to which English frankness can go lose force as time 
 went on : indeed, it seemed to them that all the things 
 about which Americans are habitually most reticent 
 were being dragged into the light. Family affairs, family 
 scandals, money-matters, a thousand topics that at home 
 were either never mentioned at all or discussed with 
 closed doors in family councils, while furnishing food 
 for the mild or malignant gossip of the world, they here 
 found proclaimed from the house-tops by the people 
 most concerned, and that with entire simplicity, as a 
 mere statement of facts, with no apologies, no attempts 
 at justification, and no faintest evidence of feeling per 
 sonally implicated or compromised on the part of the 
 narrator. It took the girls some time to adapt them 
 selves to the change and wear just the right face when 
 these surprising revelations were made. It was evident 
 that no one else was at all astonished by them. 
 
 One afternoon some amis de la maison dropped in 
 for five-o'clock tea. and in the course of conversation 
 the subject of kleptomania came up. When everybody 
 had contributed his or her share to the general stock of 
 experience, anecdote, and comment, a charming young
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 19 
 
 fellow, who was leaning against the mantel-shelf, lazily 
 sipping his tea, smiled blandly, shifted his position BO 
 as to catch Jenny's eye, and said, " Queer thing, isn't 
 it ? My aunt was had up for it in London." 
 
 The statement was made with perfect simplicity and 
 an air of bonhommie which seemed to give it the aspect 
 of any other agreeable on dit : it was received by the 
 English people present as a matter of course, and ex 
 cited neither amazement nor amusement. 
 
 Jenny and her cousin with difficulty smothered the 
 desire to laugh outright, murmured some commonplace 
 intended to be sympathetic, stole a glance at each other, 
 though both knew it to be a lapse from good breeding, 
 and were obliged to have rec6urse to their handker 
 chiefs to conceal the smiles that would play around 
 their mobile lips. 
 
 Later on, a discussion arose as to whether the Arabs 
 were right in saying that no amount of age or experi 
 ence avails a man in buying a horse or choosing a wife, 
 when another young swell gave his emphatic assent to 
 the truth of the proverb, and proceeded to illustrate his 
 views as follows : " There's my grandfather. The old 
 beggar had three wives, and, at the age of eighty, was 
 about to marry his cook, when he died. Lucky thing, 
 wasn't it?" 
 
 These incidents provoked much lively comment when 
 our Americans were again alone, and renewed laughter. 
 Some of the party could not believe that they were not 
 exceptional, and ought not to be set down to personal 
 eccentricity rather than a national habit of mind. All 
 thought that mortal frankness could no further go ; but 
 in this they were mistaken.
 
 20 Oy BOTH SIDES. 
 
 The next day a gentleman called, sat up very straight, 
 holding his hat at the correct angle and wearing an air 
 of mild expectancy, and, when the usual inquiries and 
 greetings had been exchanged, turned to Mrs. Fletcher, 
 and said, " I suppose you have heard about my brother 
 Hugh ?" 
 
 " Not I. Is anything amiss ?" she asked. 
 
 " Well, yes. You see, Hugh always was a bad lot. 
 He is the greatest rascal in England ; regular blackleg. 
 He has been going to the bad ever since he was weaned, 
 and now he has run off with his wife's governess. 
 Pretty little devil ; been angling for him for months. 
 Wife's a fool ; crying her eyes out about him." 
 
 The visit over, the girls went off to get ready for a 
 visit they had promised to make at a country-house 
 fifty miles away. Jenny was tying her bonnet-strings, 
 when the postman's rap was heard, and presently the 
 maid brought in a letter from the lady who had invited 
 them. Jenny tore it open, and read : 
 
 "THE LODGE, Tuesday, 10 A.M. 
 
 " MY DEAR Miss MEREDITH, I write to say that my 
 brother arrived quite unexpectedly last night from 
 Bournemouth, with his keeper ; and, as he is quite mad, 
 and seems rather excitable just now, though harmless 
 enough in the main, poor dear ! it occurs to me that 
 you and your cousin would prefer to come to us after 
 he has left, say Thursday of next week, and by the 
 same train." 
 
 ;< I should rather think we would," commented Jenny, 
 with empressemmt. " Was there ever such a people for
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 21 
 
 lolling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the 
 truth ? ' Tout se sgaif in England, certainly. They all 
 live morally in the Palace of Truth, with every door 
 and window wide open. Only fancy the elaborate fibs 
 that an American hostess similarly placed would have 
 told, even if every creature of her acquaintance knew 
 quite well that she had a brother in an insane asylum. 
 I am not quite sure that I like English frankness. It 
 often strikes me as indelicate, and always as astounding ; 
 but, after all, there is a good deal to be said in its favor. 
 What is lost in refinement and finesse is gained in sim 
 plicity and sincerity. There is something very refresh 
 ing in the absence of the transparent social fictions to 
 which we arc accustomed. It is quite delightful to 
 hear people say simply that they can't afford to do this 
 or that, or to go here or there, instead of perjuring their 
 snobbish little souls in fifty distinct directions in wild 
 and wholly unsuccessful efforts to convince a sceptical 
 public that black is white. There is Mrs. Harford, at 
 home, for instance, whose daughter has been stretched 
 on a couch for years with spinal disease, which the 
 mother always speaks of as 'a little weakness of the 
 muscles of the back.' And Mrs. Travers, who says that 
 she has ' come out just to do some shopping in a simple 
 foulard,' which anybody can see is a black alpaca of the 
 rustiest description. Don't you remember how amused 
 we were by that preposterous girl from New Jersey 
 who wasn't going to Newport because her health was 
 so shattered that nothing but a summer in a farm-house 
 (with board at twenty dollars a month) could restore 
 her? One is reminded of Scribe's diplomate, and the 
 reputation for Machiavellian astuteness that he-achieved
 
 22 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 as accidental envoy at a petty court by simply telling 
 the truth (which not a soul could be brought to believe) 
 about himself and his affairs. I really think it would 
 be the only way for Americans to deceive each other 
 about such matters now, we have put so much talent 
 and ingenuity into our social white lies." 
 
 " Well, I hope it isn't immoral, but I prefer our sys 
 tem, decidedly," said Lucy. " First, there is the intel 
 lectual gratification of a clever fiction, if it is clever, or 
 the satisfaction of thinking one could easily have in 
 vented a better, if stupid ; with the comfortable arriere- 
 pensee that one is not being the least bit in the world 
 deceived by it in either event. And I don't care to be 
 taken into people's closets and shown their skeletons. I 
 like them dressed d la mode and properly presented in 
 the drawing-room. When I first came over, Jenny, I 
 thought there was something about me that invited the 
 confidence of the British public, and that it would be 
 as unpardonable for me to repeat what was told me to 
 you or Kate as for a priest to publish confessions. But 
 I know better now. What is one to say when a man 
 announces, as Mr. Battersby did yesterday, that he 
 thinks, and has always thought, his wife the most thor 
 oughly disagreeable woman in England ? It is really a 
 most uncomfortable position to be placed in." 
 
 The conversation was here cut short by a second 
 knock at the door. This time it was Walton, who an 
 nounced " a young person from Debenton & Freeman's," 
 and, having received orders to show her up, disappeared 
 for a moment, and presently returned, followed by a 
 tall, handsome girl, carrying two large boxes of cloaks* 
 and mantles, which she asked to be allowed to display
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 23 
 
 Permission was readily granted ; and it is needless to say 
 that the remainder of the afternoon was devoted to the 
 sacred mysteries of shopping, the trio twittering away 
 like so many sparrows under the eaves, as the " young 
 person," with many blushes and modest mien, tried on 
 a succession of wraps, each of which looked a shade 
 more stylish than the other on the slim, graceful figure. 
 That evening, as the girls were rolling up the Prom 
 enade, en route to a dinner-party, they caught a glimpse 
 of the " young person," who had exchanged her black 
 silk the property of the shop for a cheap print and 
 a shabby shawl, and was hurrying home in the twilight 
 to a cottage three miles away, where a widowed mother 
 and five little sisters and brothers lived principally upon 
 her munificent salary. 
 
 II. 
 
 EARLY in the Cheltenham season the Fletchers wero 
 invited to come to " tiffin" at " The Bungalow," a charm 
 ing little villa on the outskirts of the town, with French 
 windows looking out on a model English lawn in front, 
 and verandas covered with wisteria running around the 
 other three sides. It was a delicious little nest, bursting 
 with books, prints, souvenirs of travel, good bits of 
 china and odds and ends that cried out to be examined, 
 rugs with a bloom on them like a plum, snug corners 
 that invited irresistibly the most insensible visitor and
 
 24 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 rewarded him with unexpected glimpses of the grounds, 
 the conservatory, or the Malvern Hills, and everywhere 
 the last indescribable touch which showed that it was 
 a home, not a museum or a bric-a-brac shop, and that, 
 after all, its best furniture was the master and mistress 
 of the establishment. Very clever, cultivated people 
 they were, a retired officer (often described in the 
 community as " an old Indian," in allusion to his past 
 military service) and his accomplished wife. They had 
 taken a fancy to the Fletchers on first meeting them, 
 and had shown them marked attention, producing so 
 favorable an impression that poor Mr. Fletcher's letters 
 from England were one hymn of praise of the Yenables, 
 and he wrote back that he hoped he might, without 
 giving offence, say that he wished he either knew the 
 Venables and could therefore share the enthusiasm of 
 the family, or that they didn't and could not therefore 
 bore him further with accounts of their friends' as 
 tounding perfections. A series of luncheons was one 
 feature of the intimacy, and the one in question was a 
 rather more formal affair than usual, given by Mrs. 
 Tenable with the view of introducing her American 
 friends to some English cousins lately arrived in the 
 place, Sir Eobert Heathcote and his nephew and heir. 
 The baronet was a fresh-colored, well-preserved man 
 of sixty-five, with rather a brandy-and-watery eye, 
 genial manners, and that general bouquet of prosperity 
 which the possession of thirty thousand pounds a year 
 never fails to impart when it comes by inheritance. 
 His nephew was an extremely good-looking young fel 
 low, of the conventional London stamp, not very bright, 
 but with plenty of conversational sixpences that passed
 
 THE PERFEV'l TREASURE. 25 
 
 current everywhere and were often declared to be sov 
 ereigns by British matrons with marriageable daughters, 
 a simple-hearted officer in one of the household regi 
 ments, and wonderfully unspoiled, considering that he 
 had been brought up in the purple who knew perfectly 
 wf.ll the advantages as well as the disadvantages of 
 being a bon parti, and never meant to be taken alive by 
 any matron in the land, charm she never so wisely. 
 Besides these gentlemen, there were only two other 
 guests present, a very shy, fair girl, who blushed 
 deeply whenever she was directly addressed, Mabel 
 Vane by name, and a quiet young London barrister, 
 who had the good fortune to be seated next to Jenny. 
 
 Sir Robert, with Mrs. Fletcher on one side of him 
 and Lucy on the other, naturally began (in a large, 
 hearty voice) to talk of America, and Astonished them 
 quite as much by his breezy familiarity with the history, 
 climate, population, and peculiarities of Chicago, on 
 which he evidently greatly prided himself, as by his 
 utter ignorance of the rest of the country. He had 
 never crossed the Atlantic, he said, but fully meant to 
 do so, as he had a distant cousin out there who had a 
 town-house in Ohm) and a country-place in Saint Louih 
 (pronounced in the French fashion), to say nothing of 
 a friend, a Southern general, " quite the gentleman," 
 who had done something very remarkable during the 
 war. he really couldn't say what; only of one thing ho 
 was sure, the general had been with Grant on the 
 Potomac. The ladies made polite responses to all this, 
 and, without meaning to do so, lapsed into the local 
 standard of pronunciation in naming the American 
 localities ; but Sir Robert did not mind it. He clunjr 
 B 3
 
 26 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 firmly to his preconceived idea of the way the names 
 ought to be pronounced, said " Just so" to all their ob 
 jections, and insisted that, according to the Indian 
 standard, he was right. Nobody present having the 
 faintest idea what the aboriginal standard was, the dis 
 cussion naturally fell to the ground, leaving Sir Eobert 
 wearing the wreath and the smile of the victor. 
 
 His nephew was less fortunate. Attracted by tho 
 delicate high-bred beauty of his neighbor, he had made 
 unusual efforts to monopolize her attention, only to find 
 that Jenny persistently appealed to her host or hostess, 
 to Mabel Vane, or to the quiet man with the keen, 
 clever face, on her right, for sympathy, or, if she turned 
 to him at all in talking, did so evidently from a well- 
 bred desire not to ignore him altogether. Her fresh 
 and original way of putting things interested then all, 
 and so piqued his languid interest that he did not lose 
 a word, and before the meal was over felt quite viciously 
 toward the unoffending barrister, whom he mentally 
 scored as " a poor devil with not more than five hundred 
 a year." The truth was that Mr. Heathcote, from a 
 long habit of looking down upon women as dangerous 
 or disagreeable creatures, all more or less bent upon 
 marrying the heir to " The Towers," securing the ueual 
 settlements, and wearing the Heathcote diamonds, had 
 contracted a moral squint which showed itself in some 
 ugly little ways, well veneered .as he was, and really 
 well intentioned in' the main, and this Jenny, with the 
 esprit de I'escalier of the sex, had at once divined and 
 resented. Jenny having mentioned that she hoped to 
 have a season in London before going home, he said, 
 with animation, " Oh, yes ; you really ought, you know.
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 27 
 
 You will have no end of a good time. Pretty girls 
 always do. But I am afraid I shall not be allowed to do 
 more than make my bow. English girls never look at 
 me in their first season, they all feel booked for a duke ; 
 but in the second they can see me across the Park ; and 
 in the third you have no idea how irresistible I am, and 
 how the dear mamma dotes on me." 
 
 " Come, now, Arthur ; you really ought not to make 
 fun of the poor mothers," put in his hostess. " Only 
 fancy what agonies of mind a woman with five daugh 
 ters undergoes in England! We were only two, you 
 know, but all the same when we both got engaged the 
 same year I really thought mamma would have died of 
 
 joy !" 
 
 The Americans thought this quite the most delightful 
 speech they had heard for an age, and joined heartily 
 enough in the general laugh that followed it, which had 
 not yet died away, when the door opened and a tall 
 elderly woman in deep mourning appeared. The host 
 ess seemed a little disconcerted, but rose and greeted her 
 cordially, saying, "Just in time for a nice pate, Miss 
 Frynno !" made a place for the new-comer beside her, 
 and introduced her to the Fletchers. Miss Frynne had 
 a perfectly stolid, expressionless face, a wandering eye, 
 and a rather fidgety manner. She fingered her knife, 
 fork, spoons, and napkins nervously until she was served, 
 and then fell to and ate steadily and ravenously, with 
 swift despatch but without grossness. Learning from 
 some remark of Sir Robert that there were Americana 
 present, something like a flash of intelligence passed 
 over her face, and she said with animation, to nobody 
 in particular, " Do the birds sing there ?" Now, th
 
 28 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 girls had been asked so many absurd tbings about their 
 native country that tbey were rather sick of lecturing 
 on the subject, and, besides, misunderstood the temper 
 of this inquiry, and fancied it patronizing in tone : eo 
 Jenny said quickly, " Oh, dear, no ! they wouldn't dream 
 of taking such a liberty in a new country !" and Lucy, 
 " Why, of course! What an odd question!" almost at 
 the same moment ; whereupon Miss Frynne hurriedly 
 begged pardon, and said, 
 
 " No offence meant, I assure you. only they don't in 
 Australia," astonishing the girls in her turn. After this 
 she devoted herself to her pudding again, which she 
 pronounced "beautiful." But no words could paint 
 Jenny's amazement when, chancing to look at her a 
 few minutes later, she saw her put down her spoon, 
 clap both hands behind her ears, press some springs, 
 take off an auburn wig that covered a head as bare as a 
 billiard-ball, wave it about a few times, clap it on again, 
 settle the springs, pick up her spoon, and go on with 
 her pudding, quite unembarrassed by the performance 
 It had been done so quickly and quietly that no one but 
 the cousins and their hostess had seen it. Mrs. Venable 
 gave the girls a meaning glance, and they said nothing ; 
 but from that moment conversation was almost out of 
 the question for them, and they were always stealing 
 furtive glances at Miss Frynne to see what she was 
 about. Presently a general move was made, and, as 
 they filed into the drawing-room, Mrs. Venable dropped 
 behind, and said to the girls, in a perfectly tranquil, 
 matter-of-fact way, 
 
 " She is a little touched, you see, but quite harmless, 
 poor dear, and not often as disagreeable as gho was
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 29 
 
 to-day. She used to be a great friend of my deai 
 mother's." 
 
 " But is she allowed to go about like this ?" asked 
 Lucy. And Jenny put in " All alone ?" 
 
 " Not quite ; I dare say we shall find her sister wait 
 ing for her." 
 
 In this Mrs. Venable was not mistaken, for on the 
 first sofa they found Miss Anastasia Frynne, a cheerful, 
 brisk little old lady, who took her sister and put her 
 down in a corner with a book of photographs, saying 
 authoritatively, " Sit there, dear, for a bit. We shall be 
 going presently," and then came over to talk to the 
 Fletchers, who, she said, were the very first Americans 
 she had ever met. " You see, being in mourning, I go 
 out very little" (the girls glanced at the bright scarlet 
 cloak that enveloped her, at the magenta cravat tied in 
 her throat, and the bow of cardinal ribbon that fastened 
 her collar, Avorn, it is true, with a black dress, and 
 thought that grief wore a cheerful face in England), 
 " and so miss seeing people. Barbara is very confining, 
 too. But I am sure I should find Americans most in 
 teresting, really most interesting. I have read a great 
 many books about America, a very great many, if I 
 could only remember what they said, the conversion 
 of the natives, and all tkat. Is that work going on now, 
 do you know ? I should like to know more about it. 
 Do the natives wear clothes ? And what do'they speak ? 
 Surely they aren't all as fair as you and your sister. Of 
 course time and education, and all that, would make a 
 difference, I can quite see." 
 
 Miss Anastasia was evidently laboring under an im 
 pression that the girls were reclaimed Indians, and they 
 
 34*
 
 30 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 were framing some sort of indignant explanation, when 
 she burst in again : 
 
 " Now, do tell me, what do people do in America to 
 amuse themselves?" 
 
 " Very much what people do elsewhere, I suppose," 
 said Jenny. " They have dinners, and balls, and parties, 
 and go to the theatre and opera, and all that." 
 
 " Do they, now, really f Poor things !" exclaimed 
 Miss Anastasia, in the tone people employ when talking 
 of a Christmas dinner at an almshouse or Thanksgiving 
 Day at the penitentiary, adding, presently, " How very 
 interesting!" Then, getting up, she announced her in 
 tention of going, made her sister put on her things, and, 
 coming back to the girls, said, 
 
 " You will let me come and see you, won't you ? And 
 should you mind if I bring Barbara ? Some people do ; 
 but I don't see why they should, she is so very harm 
 less ; and she enjoys going about tremendously, though 
 you wouldn't think it, perhaps." 
 
 Lucy, though fully aware of the rudeness of the act, 
 could not stand this, and gave Jenny's elbow a warning 
 pinch. In Vain : Jenny only smiled, and said she was 
 sure her cousin, Mrs. Fletcher, would be very happy to 
 see both sisters. 
 
 When they had gone, Mrs. Venable came up, and the 
 girls could not resist the temptation to repeat the choicer 
 portions of Miss Anastasia's conversation, spiced with 
 their own amusing comments, and afterward Mrs. Ven- 
 ablo explained that the two sisters had lived all their 
 lives in that county, had only twice been up to London, 
 even, and might be pardoned a good deal on the score 
 of extreme provincialism.
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 31 
 
 " Ob, Katherine, what a delicious time we are hav 
 ing!" exclaimed Jenny as they drove home. "Talk of 
 the discovery of America ! what is it compared to the 
 discovery of England? To find all these foreigners 
 speaking my own tongue, to speak their tongue and 
 feel myself a foreigner, and to be at home and abroad all 
 day long, is just perfection. Don't dream of taking us 
 on the Continent : it couldn't interest us half as much." 
 
 A discussion of the people they had just left followed, 
 and the hope was expressed that they might see more 
 of them except Miss Barbara. 
 
 " And Mr. Heathcote," Jenny put in. 
 
 In this they were not destined to be disappointed, for 
 their new acquaintances all called early and often, and 
 were, besides, met .elsewhere at every turn (the maiden 
 ladies excepted), and so became on more or less intimate 
 terms with the Fletchers. 
 
 The Heathcotes, indeed, soon came to the house as 
 regularly as the postman, and more regularly than the 
 sun, and with a better knowledge of the pair came a 
 cordial liking of the elder man, and a good-natured 
 tolerance of the younger as a well-meaning but not 
 particularly interesting and certainly very conceited 
 person. Sir Robert delighted the ladies in many ways. 
 He was so kind, simple, and sincere so genuine, in 
 short that they really grew fond of him ; and he was 
 never happier or more entirely at ease than in their 
 congenial and sympathetic society. He brought the 
 girls books and music, sent Mrs. Fletcher's cablegrams, 
 talked Spurgeon to Mrs. Fletcher senior (whose heart 
 was much set on the destruction of the world, and who 
 muddled herself continually with the prophecies and
 
 32 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 their interpretation by various divines), and made him 
 self, as he expressed it, " a house-cat," really a trusted 
 friend. At first they were much amused by what struck 
 them as oddities and eccentricities. He was an enthu 
 siast about cricket, and constantly went to see the col 
 lege matches, took part when ho got a chance, and 
 talked rapturously of the play. Then, urged by the 
 girls, who had heard from his nephew that he was 
 musical, he would, after dinner, get up before a roomful 
 of people, and, without any consciousness, apologies, or 
 even accompaniment, roar out with capital spirit, if not 
 much voice, hunting-songs, Border songs, Irish songs, 
 in a simple, hearty fashion that was delightful. One 
 evening, when the talk happened to turn upon national 
 dances, what did Sir Eobert do but get on the floor, and, 
 with Lucy for a pa'rtner, go through the sword-dance 
 and an Irish jig ! The family being alone, and the girls 
 dull, this performance was rapturously applauded and 
 encored. Suddenly Sir Robert snapped his fingers and 
 wrung them violently as though he had been stung by 
 something, and started off with amazing celerity, his 
 coat-tails spread out like a fan, jigging and hopping 
 away for dear life in the Highland fling. When it was 
 finished, he dropped into the nearest arm-chair and 
 turned the reddest, jolliest, kindest face that ever beamed 
 upon a delighted audience toward the girls, crying out, 
 " See what you have beguiled me into, you rogues !" 
 adding, as he mopped and composed himself, " I used tc 
 be a famous hand at that kind of thing when I was & 
 youngster; but, God bless my soul! I haven't tried it 
 for an age." 
 Sir Eobert had only been giving a rather unusual
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 33 
 
 proof that he was like the' rest of his countrymen ; for 
 even the cleverest Englishmen men distinguished in 
 every walk of life, men who have held the highest 
 positions of public trust, men of the most liberal edu 
 cation, extensive travel, and widest experience seem 
 to retain to the last a certain childlike quality of mind, 
 a relish for simple pleasures, a natural, homely, clean- 
 hearted way of looking at things that is beautiful. 
 rare in our young people, and confounded with child- 
 shness by many of our men. 
 
 " We should think Jay Gould or one of our Cabinet 
 officers quite mad if he had behaved like Sir Robert 
 to-night ; but if I were a little boy I shouldn't at all 
 mind asking Mr. Gladstone to join me in a game of 
 marbles. I don't think he would trouble himself much 
 about the loss of personal dignity, and would put more 
 heart into it than into the reception of a Parliamentary 
 committee," said Jenny to Mrs. Fletcher, as they took 
 up their bedroom candles and filed up-stairs that night. 
 
 " True, Jane ; but all the same I have no desire to see 
 the Stock Exchange and both Houses of Congress 
 doing the racket," that lady replied. 
 
 Next day, about eleven o'clock, the ladies were com 
 fortably established around the drawing-room fire, and 
 Lucy was reading Froude aloud, when an interruption 
 came in the person of "Walton, who tapped, entered, 
 stood near the door, and finally approached Mrs. 
 Fletcher, but still said nothing. Impatient to go on 
 with her book, Lucy at last said, by way of dismissal, 
 "-We did not ring, Walton, and require nothing." But 
 that functionary lingered, and presently said, his eyes 
 on the carpet, his whole manner intensely respectful,
 
 34 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " If you please, 'm, there is a party" (here he coughed 
 discreetly behind his hand) " a person describin' him 
 self as a relation of the family from America, which 
 I was to say the name is Ketchum, Mr. Job Ketchum. 
 is what I was told." 
 
 Walton made little pauses between his clauses. He 
 felt that he was impressive. Having finished, he cast 
 one swift glance around the group, caressed thought 
 fully his luxuriant side-whiskers, and dropped his eyes 
 again, waiting for orders. 
 
 "Job Ketchum!" cried out Mrs. Fletcher senior, in a 
 tone of horrified amazement. 
 
 " Cousin Job !" echoed her daughter-in-law feebly. 
 " What on earth " " can have brought him here ?" she 
 was about to say, but, catching Walton's deferential 
 eye, she changed it into " can have prevented his tele 
 graphing or writing to us to expect him ?" 
 
 The look of gayety and cheerful comfort had quite 
 died out of the little circle, and, feeling that they were 
 betraying their consternation too plainly, Kate paid no 
 attention to Jenny's plaintive "Who is Cousin Job?" 
 but rose, saying, 
 
 " Well, we must go down to see him." And with the 
 elder lady she walked out of the room and down the 
 stairs. Walton, who had seated "the person" on one 
 of the hall chairs until his claims should be investi 
 gated, had preceded them, and was hanging up a shabby 
 overcoat and a new soft felt hat, hopelessly limp in the 
 crown, on the rack, making a feint of brushing the 
 latter carefully, that he might be present at the inter 
 view without seeming to wait for it,. 
 
 Divested of his outer shell, Cousin Job appeared a
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 35 
 
 man of medium stature, carelessly arrayed in slop-shop 
 garments, having a pleasant, shrewd face, and a stamp 
 of immense vitality and energy about him. He hur 
 ried to meet his aunt, imprinted a sounding kiss on her 
 cheek, and said, 
 
 " Well, this is nice, to see relations in this strange 
 land ! Been in London for a week, where I didn't know 
 a soul. I am delighted to see you all," with a hearti 
 ness and an air of feeling himself entirely welcome, now 
 that he had got among his kindred, that made both 
 ladies instantly ashamed of their secret sentiment, and 
 infused something more than politeness into Kate's 
 reception of him. 
 
 " Where is your luggage, Job ?" she asked ; " for of 
 course you are going to stay with us ?" 
 
 " That's all the luggage I've brought" (pointing to a 
 shiny black portmanteau on the hall floor). " I didn't 
 want to bother with more, just for a flying trip. I knew 
 I could rig myself out over here if I needed anything ; 
 but I guess I'll do as I am. When did you hear from 
 your husband?" said he, mounting the stairs as he 
 spoke. Then over his shoulder to Walton, "Here! 
 Bring that along up to my room, and get me some 
 water." 
 
 The ladies winced at this peremptory way of address 
 ing " the archbishop," and were prepared for a revolt ; 
 but Walton said, with his usual respectful air, "Yes, 
 sir. At once, sir," and, seizing the bag, disappeared 
 into the back premises. 
 
 " Hold on," said Cousin Job to the ladies ; " I've got 
 something for you." And, running down the steps, ho 
 undid a gigantic yellow-paper parcel he had brought
 
 36 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 with him, and displayed a remarkably fine bunch of 
 bananas. " Those are for you, aunt. I remembered 
 you were fond of them when I saw them hanging in a 
 big fruit-store on Regent Street, and brought them 
 along. They ain't as good as you get over in New 
 York, but it was the best they had. Nice place that 
 was. There was the prettiest girl in there I've seen 
 since I landed. And, if you'll believe me, aunt, I saw 
 five little sweet potatoes, no bigger than an egg, hang 
 ing up in the window, labelled ' Madeira fruit.' I told 
 the man they'd kill themselves laughing at the idea out 
 in Tecumseh, Michigan, where I came from ; and he 
 looked like an owl that's been hit over the head with a 
 shingle." 
 
 Displaying in his amusement a splendid set of white, 
 even teeth, and with an eye that twinkled with the 
 remembrance of his London adventure, Mr. Ketchum 
 rejoined his relatives on the landing, and together they 
 made their way to the drawing-room, to which the 
 girls, who had been hanging over the balusters mean 
 while, had now prudently retreated. Here he was duly 
 introduced to Lucy, whom he had not seen since she 
 was a child, and to Jenny, whom he had never met, 
 and, remarking, as he walked about the room, that they 
 were "fixed up first-rate," and that their "parlor" was 
 unlike most English rooms, which he said were " hardly 
 big enough to swing a cat in," seated himself near the 
 fire and poured out a vivacious account of his trip across 
 the Atlantic, his detestation of and disappointment in 
 Liverpool, the English climate and hotels, and indeed 
 almost everything except the English beefsteak. Of 
 his private affairs, too, he talked with the utmost frank
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 37 
 
 ness. " I was pretty well cleaned out three years ago," 
 said he, as he crossed his legs and contemplated a neat 
 boot (which was the one evidence of dandyism about 
 him, and flowed naturally from his having an uncom 
 monly small foot), "but I kept a stiff upper lip, and I 
 said to myself, ' Don't you let yourself get down in the 
 mouth, Job Ketchum: you'll light on your feet yet.' 
 And, sure enough, I made a change, and went into 
 partnership with a friend of mine, and just prospered 
 right along. And here lately I made a hundred thou 
 sand at a clip, on wheat. That'll do for a start, I guess. 
 And I got tired seeing Sam Bates, the biggest man in 
 Tecumseh he thinks himself, swelling around the place 
 like the President of the United States, talking about 
 Europe and what he did when he was ' abrard :' so I 
 just put twenty thousand to my credit at Brown 
 Brothers', and determined, if there was anything to see 
 over here, I'd see it, as sure as my name was Job Ket 
 chum. And here I am, ready for fightin' or fiddlin' or 
 feastin', as the Irishman said." 
 
 The luncheon-bell interrupted the flow of his elo 
 quence, and, looking at his watch, he exclaimed, " Why, 
 what time do you have dinner at this ranch ?" 
 
 "At six. But we will have something now," said 
 Kate. 
 
 " That's right. I like to be fashionable when I can 
 afford it. I used to take dinner when I could get it 
 about twelve out in the mines in Colorado, and two is 
 the hour in Tecumseh ; but you are all high-flyers over 
 here. Well, when I'm in good health I'm as good for 
 dinner any time as five cents is for a ginger-cake. 
 "Don't put yourselves out for me," he replied, and, noticing 
 
 4
 
 38 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 the girls' smiling faces, said to his aunt, "Nice lot of 
 goods, these, aunt. AH silk, and more than a yard 
 wide, if I'm not mistaken." 
 
 At which' the smiles developed into hearty laugh 
 ter. 
 
 The afternoon proved a rainy one, and, for a wonder, 
 no one called : so the ladies had Cousin Job all to them 
 selves, a state of affairs they were far from regretting. 
 Learning that he proposed to spend a month (and, 
 seeing their countenances fall, he reassuringly added, 
 " And longer, if I like it") before " going the big cir 
 cuit," they employed it in trying to give him some idea 
 of the formalities and conventionalities of English soci 
 ety, insinuated a good deal of advice disguised as gen 
 eral information, which they hoped and prayed he 
 would lay to heart, and with infinite tact contrived to 
 set before him some of the most prominent reforms 
 that would be expected of him. 
 
 " There is a capital tailor here, Cousin Job ; and 
 clothing is so cheap in England, you really ought not 
 to go home without a complete outfit. Let me see: 
 you will need a Park suit, and an evening suit, and a 
 couple of morning suits, at once," said Kate. 
 
 "Nonsense!" said he. "Ain't this all right? And 
 I've got another one in my bag that is better still. They 
 ought to last me for three years, made of th< very 
 best broadcloth. Why, I could get married in this out 
 West : it's fine enough for anything." He looked down 
 complacently at himself as he spoke, and Kate was 
 obliged to yield the point for the moment. 
 
 She shifted her ground. " I dare say we shall have 
 you ' the glass of fashion and the mould of form' in a
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 39 
 
 httle while, a regular Bond Street swell," she said. 
 " Of course you know that you will have to sacrifice 
 your felt hat promptly, cousin. You wouldn't like to 
 be conspicuous." 
 
 " Oh, no ; I'm sure he wouldn't," put in Lucy, sweetly. 
 
 " Everybody who is anybody wears a silk hat in Eng 
 land, except when they are in the country, and then a 
 pork-pie is permissible," announced Mrs. Fletcher senior, 
 with an aggravating air of being a supreme court and 
 giving a final verdict. 
 
 This was unfortunate. "With a thousand good quali 
 ties, Mr. Ketchum had some faults, and, for one thing, 
 was as obstinate as a mule. He scented a feminine con 
 spiracy, and planted all four feet firmly. He was not 
 going to be led, no, not he, still less to be driven. 
 So he made what he and a great many of his country 
 men consider the proper response to any suggestion 
 looking to the imprisonment of one of Columbia's free- 
 born sons in the strait-jacket of European convention 
 alities, and, though not generally profane, lost his 
 temper, and said hotly, " Damn it ! I am an American, 
 and I shall do as I please." 
 
 After this, as may be supposed, an embarrassing half 
 nour followed for all parties, which was broken by the 
 girls saying that they must go and dress for dinner, as 
 the Heathcotes were coming. Mrs. Kate followed them, 
 and, leaving her dressing-room door open, wandered in 
 and .out of the girls' room while they were all engaged 
 in this rite, reciting Mr. Ketch urn's biography in frag 
 ments : 
 
 "You know, his mother ran away with a man the 
 family detested, and went out to the West to livej and
 
 40 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 this was the only son, and she indulged him to the top 
 of his bent and let him run perfectly wild. He came 
 on to New York when he was about twenty, and elec 
 trified the family." (Disappearing for a while, and 
 then coming back.) "And what was I saying? Ohl 
 Well, before he was twenty-five be had run through 
 everything he had, and the last we heard of him he was 
 washing bottles at a beer-saloon out in Colorado and 
 leading a very dissipated life. In fact, he was supposed 
 to have gone to the dogs altogether." 
 
 " It is no wonder, Kate, that you turned positively 
 green when you heard his name," said Jenny. 
 
 " Mamma asked him about it to-day, and he said it 
 was a pure invention ; that he was really working in 
 the mines, and that the only thing he regrets about it 
 is that he sold a claim for fifty dollars to some man who 
 got thirty thousand out of it," said Lucy. 
 
 " It can't have been all true. At all events, he seems 
 all right now. But, I must say, I wish he hadn't turned 
 up here. Of course he is a gentleman at heart, and all 
 that, but he is dreadfully rough, and has absolutely no 
 usages de monde; and English people are so formal! 
 And I can't manage him a bit, as you see. "What will 
 the Heathcotes think of him ? What on earth is he put 
 ting on for dinner, I wonder ! I pined to beg him not 
 to wear that awful green cotton necktie, but I didn't 
 dare. Oh, you may laugh, Jenny ; but I don't find it 
 amusing at all," said Mrs. Kate, as she swept in for the 
 last time, fully arrayed. 
 
 The objectionable necktie was not visible when they 
 got down. Cousin Job had put on the other suit, which 
 looked to them an aggravated form of the first one,
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 41 
 
 more hopelessly ill fitting as to the coat, baggier in the 
 trousers, shorter in the waistcoat, cut neither high nor 
 low, with linen bulging carelessly above it, and a very 
 narrow black cravat tied in a wild bow, with long ends, 
 and already showing a disposition to work around under 
 the left ear. He looked decidedly worse than before, 
 and all the more so by contrast with the Heathcoto 
 men, who, in full , canonicals and displaying about an 
 acre of spotless linen, had an easy unconsciousness of 
 being well dressed and the general millefleurs cachet 
 about them of their caste. Cousin Job looked at them, 
 and having long ago made up his mind that any man 
 who parted his hair in the middle must be a fool, made 
 no exception to this valuable rule in the case of the 
 uncle and nephew. They probably thought him in 
 deed, young Heathcote said as much, later " an awfully 
 rum chap ;" but both saw reason before dinner was over 
 to modify these impressions considerably. For, in spite 
 of the anxiety of Kate and the incongruous element 
 introduced at the eleventh hour, the meal went off ver^ 
 pleasantly, oven gayly. Sir Eobert seemed delighted to 
 have an opportunity of learning something " from an 
 eye-witness" of Colorado and the Far West generally. 
 He asked some ton thousand questions about mining, 
 milling, the various ores, the climate, population, agri 
 cultural peculiarities, and geographical situation of the 
 border States, said " Just so" perpetually, as though he 
 had known it all before, and listened with avidity to all 
 Coiisin Job said in reply. 
 
 Knowing the ground thoroughly, the American lost 
 sight of himself, talked not only fluently, but well, and 
 so appeared to advantage. Sir Robert grew more and 
 
 4*
 
 42 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 more interested, and harked back to particular points 
 about which he said he was " not quite clear," begging 
 everybody's pardon if ho was becoming a bore, and so 
 beguiled Cousin Job into further statements, and on to 
 reminiscences, and then to jokes, given in his native 
 vernacular, and of the flavor which is so relished by 
 English palates. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum had shown himself a man of sense and 
 wit, and knew it. His amour-propre soothed, he was no 
 longer on the defensive, and he grew every moment 
 more at ease. As for young Heathcote, he seemed ex 
 quisitely tickled either by the matter or the manner of 
 this recital, broke into what he considered frightfully 
 indecorous and unseemly guffaws, only to cork himself 
 up again with the utmost suddenness, and at last, when 
 Mr. Ketchum said something incidentally about " the 
 business end of a tin tack," gave way altogether, and 
 burst into the most uproarious and infectious fit of laugh 
 ter. He went so far, indeed, as to slap his knee in his 
 ecstasy, referred to the tack with a fresh outburst of 
 hilarity several times during the evening, and repeated 
 the story the very first thing at his club next morning, 
 where, indeed, Sir Robert buttonholed old General 
 Bludger and poured out a mass of statistics about a 
 certain portion of America which he had been " credibly 
 informed was the greatest grazing-region of the world," 
 advising his friend to send his sons out there. 
 
 But to return to the dinner. When Sir Eobert took 
 up the conversational ball, he drifted into some of his 
 hunting experiences in various parts of Europe, Africa, 
 and India, and Cousin Job was obliged to concede men 
 tally that the connection between the premises of his
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 43 
 
 favorite theory was not as perfect as he had supposed, 
 and that he might be mistaken in his conclusion ; in 
 short, that " a creature bearing the outward semblance 
 of a man, and not of a monkey," might have something 
 in a head of which the hair was parted right down the 
 middle that entitled him to the respect of his fellow-men. 
 Having decided this, he ordered Walton to fill Sir 
 Robert's glass, and insisted on giving as a toast, " Tho 
 Anglo-Saxon race, first, last, and all the time." It was 
 well received ; and, the talk turning upon yachting, Mr. 
 Ketchum said that he had met an English fellow out on 
 the Plains two years before, who, he had heard, owned 
 the fastest yacht afloat, a splendid fellow, he said, 
 named Bartow, and from Liverpool, he thought. 
 
 "I've met that fellow somewhere," put in young 
 Heathcote. " Big, black man, isn't he, with a cast in 
 one eye ?" 
 
 " Well, he wasn't what we should call a black man, 
 or even a ' colored pusson,' but he was dark, and there 
 was a tendency to bolt the ticket in the right optic, I 
 remember," assented Mr. Ketchum. " Who is he ? What 
 is he?" 
 
 " I don't know. I can't say, really. I've heard he 
 was a kind of a " (he hesitated, striving to pierce the 
 aristocratic haze that veiled such occupations in his 
 mind, and then went on) "a sort of cotton fellow. 
 Poor devil !" 
 
 This amused Mr. Ketchum in his turn, and, the entente 
 cordiale being now complete, he ordered more cham 
 pagne, and it was not long before Kate fancied that he 
 had already taken rather too much, and heard with 
 dreadful anxiety his demands to have his glass refilled.
 
 44 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Walton, whom nothing escaped, caught her eye as it 
 iravelled toward her cousin for the twentieth time, and 
 understood the whole situation. His conduct from that 
 moment was worthy of Talleyrand. The way he con 
 trived to 1)6 deaf and blind, and out of the way, and 
 coming presently but never got there, and only half 
 filled the glass once after that, was masterly ; but he 
 reserved his great coup for the moment when Kate had 
 given the signal for the ladies to retire (with outward 
 calm, but a sinking heart) and Mr. Ketchum had ordered 
 him to " bring up a half-dozen bottles of that cham 
 pagne." Then, inscrutable as the Sphinx, he stepped 
 up, with his usual quietly respectful air, to his mistress, 
 and said, " I beg pardon, 'm, but it is all out. The order 
 was not left in time, and Brown & Wentworth's young 
 man has just been round to say it will be sent in first 
 thing in the morning, and hoped you would excuse it." 
 
 Kate, being a woman, understood like a flash, and 
 with graceful apologies insisted that the gentlemen 
 should forsake the dining-room as soon as they had en 
 joyed a cigar, unless they preferred the Continental 
 fashion of accompanying the ladies. Cousin Job would, 
 she knew, with his American ideas of gallantry. 
 
 Thus appealed to, Cousin Job rose, young Heathcote 
 opened the door, and they all trooped back to the draw 
 ing-room, where the remainder of the evening passed 
 delightfully. 
 
 Before leaving, Sir Eobert confided to Kate that her 
 cousin was " a most shrewd, clever fellow, a delightful 
 fellow," and had offered to put him up for the club, in 
 spite of a meaning cough from his nephew. 
 
 When they had gone, Job very much surprised the
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 45 
 
 ladies by saying, " "Well, Kate, you were right, after ah. 
 I guess my clothes ain't quite the cheese. I'll go and 
 get myself fixed up to-morrow at that place you were 
 talking of to-day. What's the name ?" and allowed 
 that lady to tell him that his cravat had slipped quite 
 round behind, and that he must remember to put a pin 
 in when he dressed himself, without showing the least 
 annoyance. 
 
 III. 
 
 COUSIN JOB was as good as his word. Before the 
 girls were down next morning he went out for a walk 
 on the Promenade, and came home to find his aunt 
 enjoying the fashionable intelligence in the " Looker- 
 On," in which, among the arrivals, figured the name of 
 " Mr. Joseph Ketchum, United States." " Call that a 
 newspaper!" said he indignantly when his attention 
 was called to the interesting fact. He took it in his 
 hand, flipped it scornfully with his thumb and middlo 
 finger, and, after careful examination, protested that it 
 was not to be compared for one moment to the " Te 
 cumseh Clarion." He was still talking about it when 
 Kate came in and changed the current of his thoughts. 
 " Well, you are all a lazy set here !" said he in greeting. 
 " I have been up for two hours, and been pretty much 
 all over the place, and I stopped at that store you told 
 me about, and told the man to make me the finest suit 
 he knew how to turn out, and to be quick about it 
 There was a chap there that smiled me in and smiled
 
 46 ON BOTH SWKS. 
 
 mo out, and wanted me to buy everything on the shelves 
 bad. He soft-sawdered me for half an hour, and offered 
 to make me an overcoat like the one they had just sent 
 the Prince of Wales, at ' living rates.' But I laid my 
 fingers on my nose and told them I sabed all that, and 
 that if he thought we weren't up to snuff in America 
 he was mistaken, only it was General Grant's coat over 
 there, and that I was used to making up my own mind; 
 if I wanted anything I would get it, and if I didn't he 
 would have to get up very early in the morning to sell 
 it to me. And he begged my pardon when he saw he 
 had waked up the wrong passenger, and said that he 
 hadn't meant to try any tricks of trade ; theirs was a 
 most respectable house; only if I had any 'herders' 
 they would be glad to execute them." 
 
 " What did you say to that, Job ?" asked Kate. 
 
 " I told him if he would stick to that programme he 
 might make something out of me yet ; but that as the 
 prince and I weren't running in the same fire-brigade, 
 it didn't matter about our being dressed exactly alike." 
 
 Great was the amusement of the ladies as they thought 
 of the interview, and they exchanged eloquent glances 
 across the table, while Mr. Ketchum devoted himself 
 alternately to his breakfast and a map of the town 
 which was spread out beside him. 
 
 " Cards to the Benedicts' ball on the 21st, girls, and u 
 very kind note from Sir Robert, to say that he means 
 to get a ticket for Cousin Job," said Kate. " Isn't it 
 nice of him ? It is the ball of the season, you know, 
 and if there were pasteboard admittance to heaven it 
 could hardly be more coveted than cards to the Bene 
 dicts'."
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 47 
 
 " I am delighted !" cried Jenny and Lucy in a breath, 
 Doth girls having known for some time of the coming 
 event, and having dresses from Paris ordered for the 
 occasion and worthy of it. 
 
 " But, Kate, I do so wish we could get a ticket for 
 Mabel Vane and take her with us. Only think of it ! 
 she is eighteen, and as pretty as a pink, and has never 
 been to a ball in her life ! Such a frightful case of des 
 titution in the upper classes has never come under my 
 notice," said Jenny. " This is the way I came to know 
 it. She was here yesterday, and was saying that she 
 supposed we were very gay, and I asked if she was 
 going to this ball, and she said, ' Oh, no ! I can't afford 
 it, even if there was a chance of my getting a ticket, 
 which there isn't. Papa, you know, was a poor clergy 
 man, and since his death mamma and I have always lived 
 in lodgings, and we have no great friends, and can't en 
 tertain, and so we are quite out of the current. I ofteu 
 wonder how it would seem to be like other girls. Mamma 
 says that there are five hundred girls here, and only one 
 hundred men, and that if I could go out it wouldn't 
 be the least use, that it would only be a great expense 
 for nothing, I should never get an offer, and I am better 
 as I am. But I don't care for that, and I do so long to 
 go to one dance, even if I had to sit against the wall all 
 the evening.' Poor child ! her eyes were full of tears, 
 nnd I felt so sorry for her, and yet her English way of 
 putting it was so comical that I could hardly keep my 
 countenance." 
 
 " It is a shame ! It's perfectly abominable !" put in 
 Lucy. " Why, if I have been to one party I've been to 
 five hundred of various kinds; and Mabel says that she
 
 48 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 thinks herself awfully lucky to be asked in after dinner 
 at a few houses, or occasionally to luncheon. And she 
 is such a sweet little thing, and such a thorough lady." 
 
 " I wonder at it," said Mrs. Fletcher senior pensively. 
 " I have heard that her father was a third-cousin of the 
 Earl of Carsford,- or is it the Marquis of Wolhampton ?" 
 
 But this nice genealogical point was never settled; 
 for Cousin Job, who had been breaking three eggs into 
 a tumbler and stirring them with the most unnecessary 
 display of energy, while "Walton, unable to bear the 
 sight, had retired precipitately to the butler's pantry to 
 avoid losing any portion of his specific gravity, now 
 looked up and said, " I can't understand how girls can 
 get so far below par in England. Buyers seem to be 
 backward in bidding, and holders anxious to realize. 
 The old lady in Threadneedle Street is carrying more 
 petticoats than her trade will warrant. Now, about 
 that young friend of yours, Kate. If money will do it, 
 just get her a ticket, and we will take her along with 
 us and see that she has a splendid time ! Why, out 
 West she'd have eight or ten felloAvs haunting the house 
 every night, and sending her bouquets, and serenading 
 her, and ready to jump over the moon to please her." 
 
 "Money can't do it, but influence can, Cousin Job, 
 and we will see what can be done," replied Kate. " She 
 shall go if we can possibly manage it." 
 
 By what arts and machinations it was managed will 
 never be known, but, although a member of the Bene 
 dicts' Club had offered twenty pounds for a ticket that 
 very morning, and failed to get it, Jenny, on the next 
 afternoon, received from her friend the barrister, with 
 Mr. Lindsay's compliments, a large square envelope
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 49 
 
 containing an enclosure requesting the pleasure of Miss 
 Vane's company on Wednesday the 21st at the Assembly 
 Rooms. Putting on her bonnet, she rushed round to 38 
 Portarlington Gardens and demanded Miss Vane so im 
 periously that the small " slavey" who opened the door 
 asked " what ever was hup," lingering on the landing 
 after ushering Jenny up-stairs to catch if possible some 
 hint of the news she scented. The whole house was 
 " hup" when her errand became known. Mabel could 
 hardly believe her senses, and was radiant with delight, 
 Mrs. Vane equally fluttered and profuse in thanks. 
 The question of raiment for this lily of the field coming 
 up, Mrs. Botts, the landlady, who had once been maid 
 to a countess, was called in, and gave her opinion at 
 great length : the dress must be white tarlatan, she 
 should say, over a silk slip, with a " top" cut low in the 
 neck, a white satin sash and slippers to match, which 
 was what her ladyship had worn on an even greater 
 occasion, and it would set off Miss Mabel " wonderful." 
 Miss Marsh, an old lady on the second floor, who 
 walked nine times round the square every day at the 
 same hour, starting out for this cheerful tramp, was 
 attracted by the sound of voices and looked in, heard 
 what was going on, and, trotting back to her room, 
 brought down a box of Roman pearls, which she said 
 had belonged to a dead sister, and would Mabel do her 
 the favor to wear them ? Mabel would not, but thanked 
 her as prettily as possible, and, it being generally agreed 
 that the " stuff for the gown" must be bought at once, 
 the two girls started off in high glee, and shopped so 
 briskly and sensibly that in half an hour the foundation- 
 stone of Mabel's palace of delights was safely laid : the
 
 50 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 dress, the gloves, the slippers, the satin, were being 
 borne home in parcels that bulged delightfully and fore 
 told to one pair of blue eyes at least a world of bliss ! 
 
 The intervening days dragged their slow length along 
 for the girls, and were improved by Cousin Job in sight 
 seeing, which he went about in a perfectly fanatical 
 way, determined that nothing should escape him, and 
 being guided solely by what his "hand-book" said, and 
 not in the least by what he himself wished to see. Sir 
 Eobert put him up at the Club, where he amused him 
 self by initiating certain gentlemen into the mysteries 
 of draw-poker, and teaching them, as he put it, "to 
 brew egg-nog on scientific, old- Virginia-forever princi 
 ples." The first was decorously christened " American 
 whist" by Sir Eobert, who explained to General Bludger 
 that the latter was " one of the American drinks, 
 something like the ' eye-opener' and the ' raise-the- 
 dead,' " two beverages that he firmly believed to bo 
 national in reputation. 
 
 At a flower-show in the Montpelier Gardens, which he 
 facetiously dubbed a " shower-flow," because everybody 
 was driven into the tents and summer-houses three 
 times during the afternoon, Mr. Ketchum met Mabel 
 Yane, and, taking a tremendous fancy to her, showed it 
 by staying gallantly by her side and shielding her from 
 the rain with his enormous umbrella. Finding that she 
 had on thin shoes, he disappeared for a moment, and 
 greatly surprised her a little later by turning up with 
 her overshoes and mackintosh, which he had sent one of 
 the Park guards for. Poor Mabel, whose only experi 
 ence of the sex so far had been one of scant civility or 
 utter indifference, was quite overpowered by such a proof
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 51 
 
 of thouglitfulness, and blushed herself into a state of 
 damask-rosiness in acknowledgment of it that gave 
 gratitude a new and very beautiful complexion to Mr. 
 Ketchum, who was accustomed to rendering such little 
 services on all occasions, and rather used to their being 
 taken, more or less, as a matter of course. 
 
 The day of the ball arrived. Mr. Ketchum, when the 
 arrangements for the evening were being discussed, in 
 sisted on getting a carriage and taking Mabel to the 
 ball, and Kate had great difficulty in making him un 
 derstand that it would positively shake Cheltenham to 
 its centre and be flying in the face of all English con 
 ventionalities, that Mabel wouldn't go, and that it was 
 not to be thought of. She had settled all that. Wal 
 ton, who was perfectly trustworthy, should go for her 
 in Mrs. Fletcher's carriage and bring her down to them; 
 and, once under the wing of a chaperon, she would, 
 with the other girls, be taken " properly" to the As 
 sembly Rooms. 
 
 "And do you mean to tell me, Kate Fletcher, that 
 they trust a girl over here with a footman sooner than 
 with a gentleman ?" he demanded hotly. 
 
 " Yes, I do. I can't help it, and I am sorry you are 
 vexed, Job, but indeed it wouldn't do," said she, which 
 set him off in one of his eager, emphatic orations, call 
 ing upon heaven and earth to witness the absurdity of 
 such a social regulation, and winding up with, 
 
 " Well, I shall send her a bouquet, anyway. I sup 
 pose that isn't a scandalous proceeding ?" 
 
 " Oh, no ! quite proper. It isn't often done, unless 
 people are engaged j but still " 
 
 "Oh, go along, Kate! You must have lost your
 
 52 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 senses !" lie interrupted, and, clapping on his hat, left 
 the house. 
 
 He had been gone some hours. The girls were in 
 the drawing-room, entertaining the Heathcotes and Ven- 
 ables ; and Kate, a little apart from the others in the 
 bow-window, which commanded a view of the street 
 and front steps, heard a ring. She bent forward to see 
 who it was, and caught a glimpse of a man in a tower 
 ing white beaver hat, and, even at that distance, with 
 something queer about him. Another look, a stranger 
 in full evening dress, at one o'clock in the day ! Another, 
 the stranger turns, and oh, horror! oh, "agony, 
 rage, and despair!" it is Cousin Job! 
 
 It may be an ignominious pang that rends her bosom, 
 but Kate is a woman of the world ; she feels it to be 
 quite equal for the moment to battle, murder, or sudden 
 death. In five minutes he will be in that room, and 
 there is that odious young snob of a Heathcote, who is 
 always sneering covertly at Cousin Job as it is, and 
 doesn't understand him at all, sitting opposite, immacu 
 lately arrayed, his hat held in his hand at an eminently 
 correct angle, his offensive eye-glass screwed firmly in 
 his eye! It is a perfectly unbearable situation, she 
 thinks. There is nothing that can be done, and, with 
 a crimson face, she sits still, waiting to hear the fatal 
 step on the stair. It doesn't come, and she glides out 
 of the room and down as far as the first landing, where, 
 looking down, she sees Walton and Cousin Job parleying 
 near the front door. 
 
 " Who is up-stairs ?" asks Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " The Miss Frynnes, sir, I believe ; but cook answered 
 the door."
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 53 
 
 Walton knows that Mr. Ketchum detests these esti 
 mable women for some reason, and takes his chance. 
 Fixing his shrewd, gray eyes on him, he adds, after a 
 pause, " The tailor sent home some things for you, sir, 
 and would be greatly obliged by your trying them on 
 at once. His man will be back in 'arf an 'our to know 
 if they suit." 
 
 Mr. Ketchum still hesitated, holding his hat in his 
 hand and rubbing the nap energetically with his silk 
 handkerchief. " Tell him to come back to-morrow," said 
 he, and moved toward the stair. 
 
 " Oh ! And, if you please, sir, I took a note up to 
 your room, brought a moment since, which the maid 
 from Portarlington Gardens said was to be give you as 
 soon as you came in." 
 
 Mr. Ketchum stopped : for the life of him he couldn't 
 help blushing, and, to hide it, he turned brusquely away 
 and walked off to his room. 
 
 Walton had gained the day, and, unconscious that he 
 was being observed, leaned against the wall, and, throw 
 ing back his head, laughed the laugh of the successful 
 diplomat whose skilful evasion of some obstacle has 
 enabled him to carry his point. 
 
 It was the first time Kate had ever seen the real 
 Walton, and it gave her rather a startled and unpleas 
 ant sensation, a feeling that he was too clever by half, 
 thankful as she was to have the social calamity averted 
 that she had so much dreaded. But the sensation was 
 only momentary. " He is doubtless attached to the 
 family, and knew we should be mortified. It was very 
 nice of him. Really, Walton is a nonpareil among ser 
 vants," she thought. 
 
 5*
 
 54 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 As she was making her way back, the drawing-room 
 door opened ; farewells were being exchanged, and in a 
 few moments the guests were safely out of the house, 
 and she was relating the agonizing experience of the 
 last half-hour to the girls. 
 
 Jenny laughed until the tears ran down her cheeks : 
 " Oh ! to think of his putting it on at the shop and 
 wearing it home ! And with a white hat !" she cried. 
 
 "And that awful green cravat! My dear, it is my 
 belief that he means to be buried in that cravat," said 
 Kate. " It was a fearfully narrow escape !" 
 
 " Why didn't you let him come up ? It would have 
 been such a crucial test of the breeding of those people. 
 Sir Robert and the Venables would have been a shade 
 nicer than ever; but can't you fancy the galvanic shock 
 it would have been to young Heathcote? But no, 
 Kate. Seriously speaking, I wouldn't for the world 
 have had Mr. Ketchum put in such a disagreeable posi 
 tion before that horrid man. He is a kind, generous, 
 splendid fellow, and worth a dozen of such people ; but 
 all the same he would have looked exquisitely ludicrous, 
 and we should have been obliged to go about a VAnglaise 
 and tell people that he was a little mad, and we hoped 
 they didn't mind. It is the drollest thing I ever heard 
 of. You are such a worldling, Kate, that I wonder 
 there is a particle of coloring-matter left in a single 
 tube of your hairs." 
 
 " I shall tell him that he may break all the Com 
 mandments, and blow up the House of Parliament, 
 and set fire to Windsor Castle, and trample on the 
 union jack, and throw vitriol in the face of the Princess 
 oi Wales, if he likes, but that he is never, NEVER to put
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 55 
 
 on a dress-suit before nightfall in England, on pain of 
 death" said Kate. "I know he has grown up out of 
 the world, on the frontier ; but, still, how could he do 
 such a thing?" 
 
 No spectator was present at the interview that en 
 sued, of which Kate only reported that she said very 
 tittle, and that Cousin Job took it in good part. 
 
 When nine o'clock came, Mabel appeared, looking too 
 quaint and pretty for anything. Her dress was cut in 
 the fashion of a very remote period, with what was 
 known then as a "baby-waist," and queer half-long 
 sleeves. She was sitting bolt upright on the edge of 
 the sofa when Kate came down, evidently afraid of 
 crushing her dress and soiling her gloves. Her eyes 
 shone with pleasure, and a more charming picture of 
 youth and innocence it would be impossible to find. 
 She was as fair and simple as an English daisy, Kate 
 thought, as she came forward with an air of modest 
 self-possession and her usual charming little blush : 
 " Do you like me. Mamma says that I do very well, 
 but that no one will notice me among so many splendid 
 people in Worth gowns and all that, and that I had 
 better give over thinking of myself at all and make up 
 my mind to enjoy looking on." 
 
 Kate noticed that she had on a white carnelian neck 
 lace, shamed into looking almost blue by the white, 
 lovely neck, and said, " Come here, dear, and let me 
 see," gave a disapproving frown to the English over- 
 skirt, which she found fearfully and wonderfully looped, 
 sent for some pins, and rearranged it tastefully in a 
 twinkling, pinned a charming bunch of natural flowers 
 in her dress, insisted on giving her a little silver ehato-
 
 56 ON 50777 SIDES. 
 
 laine, turned her about, giving any number of those 
 mysterious touches which produce such an effect when 
 given by a woman with a genius for dress, and at last 
 pronounced her " an ideal ingenue" and assured her that 
 if she lacked anything it was rouge, pinching the girl's 
 rosy cheek. She then went off to tie Mr. Ketchum's 
 cravat, and that gentleman presently returned with her, 
 looking extremely well, and protesting that she had tried 
 to get him to wax his moustache and part his hair in 
 the middle, but that this was against the constitution 
 and by-laws of the State of Michigan, and that he was 
 " quite enough of a Tussaud wax figger" as it Avas. 
 
 Jenny and Lucy, coming in resplendent in Paris 
 dresses, walked up and down to give the family a pri 
 vate view of these artistic constructions ; much oscuU 
 tion followed between the girls, everybody suddenly dis 
 covered that it was very late, and, after much muffling 
 and shawling, they all- rolled away at last to the ball. 
 
 The ball had the three great requisites for such an 
 entertainment, good music, a capital floor, and a sup 
 per calculated to compensate all the heavy dowagers 
 and sleepy papas for their sufferings as chaperons. 
 The spacious rooms were beautifully decorated, the 
 orchestra from London was fiddling away in the gal 
 lery, the dancers were spinning and whirling at a tre 
 mendous rate in the circles chalked off on the floor, the 
 master of ceremonies, who was nearly as imposing a 
 "Walton (and no earthly dignitary could be more so), 
 stood near the door. Our party advanced. Sir Eobert 
 stepped out from a mob of gentlemen and offered his arm 
 to Mrs. Fletcher senior, and Jenny had already taken 
 that of a certain young barrister (in preference to Mr
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 57 
 
 Heathcote, who consoled himself with Lucy), and a 
 stout clergyman, who had just finished waltzing what 
 he called the " troy temps" offered to escort Kate. 
 Mabel slipped a timid hand under Mr. Ketchum's awk 
 wardly-proffered elbow, and they all made for the 
 benches on the upper side of the room, where they cast 
 anchor. Jenny looked about her, and felt as an actress 
 does when she gets a whiff from the footlights; Mabel 
 was terrified by the glare and the crush and the crowd, 
 and felt herself morally a grain of mustard-seed and 
 the least of all these birds of Paradise ; Kate began to 
 scan the toilets, Mrs. Fletcher to look up the great ones 
 of the company ; Mr. Ketchum remarked that it was 
 the biggest fandango he had seen, and that the Assem 
 bly Rooms compai'ed favorably with any hall that he 
 knew " on the other side of the pond." Kate offered 
 to introduce him to some of the girls, but he declined 
 for the present, and stood behind Mabel, looking down 
 admiringly upon the fair head bent every now and then 
 over his huge bouquet, which had already created a 
 sensation at Portarlington Gardens. 
 
 Jenny, as a belle and beauty of recognized position, 
 was soon surrounded by men, and, generously intent 
 upon " Mabel's having a good time," brought them all 
 up and presented them in turn, having previously in 
 terested them in her protegee. The consequence was 
 that Mabel's programme was soon half filled up. Out 
 of the twenty-three dances she was engaged for twelve, 
 and Mr. Ketchum, who was already down for four of 
 them, was begging for a fifth, when her first partner 
 arrived, and she tripped off joyously with him and 
 joined the dancers. Job saw her making vain efforts to
 
 58 0^ BOTH SIDES. 
 
 catch his step (with small success), her pretty face wear 
 ing its most anxious expression. He seemed to combine 
 in his own person the worst traits of all three classes 
 of bad dancers, the teetotums, the wobblers, and the 
 go-aheads. When he ought to have gone ahead, he 
 spun around for five minutes, as if his operations were 
 confined to a hearth-rug ; when he ought to have tem 
 porized for lack of space, he dashed madly ahead ; and 
 whenever called upon to guide his partner decisively in 
 any direction, he wobbled infuriatingly first to the right 
 and then to the left in an embarrassing series of false 
 starts, very trying to a novice. Job was secretly de 
 lighted. Like most Americans, he could use his feet 
 with the same dexterity as a French actress does her 
 hands, and he waited impatiently for his turn to come, 
 which it did very soon. 
 
 Mabel came back to her chaperon looking flushed and 
 harassed, made a meek little speech expressive of her 
 regret at not being able "to quite catch his step" (skips 
 would have been nearer the mark for a performance 
 which was a mixture of waltz, polka, mazourka, High 
 land fling, and Irish jig), and, with a " Now-then !" ex 
 pression of triumphant satisfaction, Mr. Ketchum had 
 taken his place. At what " fandangos" he had gradu 
 ated in the graceful art is not known, but he danced 
 beautifully, and Mabel, who had taken lessons and had 
 moreover been practising the "American reverse" for a 
 week before a dingy old pier-glass at her lodgings, felt 
 herself borne along in an inspired whirl, forgot that she 
 was dancing at all, in the technical sense, and did not 
 stop until the last strains of the " Morgenblatter" had 
 died away. In all her experience, confined hitherto to
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 59 
 
 a lonely Welsh curacy and Portarlington Gardens, there 
 bad been nothing like it, and she was radiant. 
 
 Meanwhile, Jenny had taken several turns, and was 
 resting for a while in a little bower of ferns and foliage- 
 plants that opened into the ball-room. She was with 
 her friend the barrister, who was commenting upon the 
 ecene before him. " Who is that girl there in yellow ?" 
 he asked. 
 
 " Where ? Oh, in the corner. Smythe is her name, 
 I believe. Pretty, isn't she ?" 
 
 " No. Not according to my ideas. She looks as 
 though she didn't tub. Dash of the tar-brush there, I 
 should say." 
 
 " Oh, no ! Impossible ! You should not say such 
 tbmgs, really. Besides, she isn't so dark at all." 
 
 ' It isn't her skin only : her hair has got that awful 
 kink. I hate it. One of my aunts went out to New 
 Zealand in the early days and got carried off by a Maori 
 chief; and I often wonder what I should do if a lot of 
 blackamoor cousins turned up in the Park on some 
 sunny day in the height of the season and laid claim to 
 me. Awful lark it would be, wouldn't it ?" 
 
 Jenny burst out laughing, and agreed that it would 
 certainly not be pleasant : " I have never heard you 
 mention any of your relatives before. Have you a 
 mother and sisters?" 
 
 " I've got the usual supply of mother, arid shoals of 
 sisters. My mother came down from town to-day with 
 one of them, Edith, the eldest." 
 
 " Did she ?" replied Jenny, with animation. " Why 
 didn't you bring her with you to-night ? But I suppose 
 U was too late to get a card."
 
 60 UN BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " Oh, she never goes to balls. She is on the shady 
 side of forty, and never goes in for anything in the 
 shape of amusement, except penny readings for the de 
 serving poor and those awful parish tea and harvest- 
 home things. She got me to one of them once, but I 
 don't think she will ever do it a second time. She is a 
 district visitor, and has a soup-kitchen and all that : she 
 really is an excellent creature, but she'll never get a 
 husband in the world." 
 
 " What are the others like ?" asked Jenny, delighted 
 with this brief biographical sketch. 
 
 " The next one is named Gertrude, and she is quite 
 passee, too, and rather like Edith : curates, and croquet, 
 and that kind of thing, you know. She is awfully plain, 
 poor thing ! and makes herself no end of a frump by the 
 way she dresses. The third one is very pretty, and is 
 married to a fellow in the Carbineers ; and the fourth 
 was thought the best-looking girl that was presented 
 the season she came out. She is down in the country 
 now, though she hates it most awfully. It is a con 
 founded shame to keep her there ; but the governor says 
 she has had two seasons, and played her cards very 
 badly, going and getting engaged to a missionary, 
 and can't have any more. I dare say he will take her 
 up, though, when he comes round. I wrote her to-day 
 to give the old chap his head and not oppose him, and 
 it would all come right." 
 
 " And is that all ?" asked Jenny, hoping that it wa3 a 
 large family. " How very sad for your sister ! People 
 can't always control such things, and I suppose she had 
 forgotten that Cupid has sovereigns for wings nowadays 
 and always perches near the Bank of England."
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 61 
 
 " I am sorry for her, too. She is my favorite sister, 
 and she was awfully cut up about it. But what was 
 the use ? There is another, Caroline, just out of the 
 school-room, and disgustingly slangy and horsey and 
 doggy. I'd like to shake it all out of her, but she is the 
 governor's favorite, and does exactly as she pleases. 
 The three others are still in the nursery, thank heaven 1" 
 
 "What a lot of you!" exclaimed Jenny. 
 
 " Do you think so ? We don't consider ourselves a 
 large family at all. The mater was one of sixteen." 
 
 A pause followed this statement, and then Jenny 
 began again. 
 
 " Is yours a pretty part of England ? Not that I need 
 ask, for it is all lovely, so far as I can see." 
 
 " Pretty well. Good hunting country, but rather flat. 
 1 don't like it. I prefer London fifteen months out of 
 the year. I have just got myself a tiny little bandbox 
 of a house in May Fair, and shall get myself a cat or a 
 dog and settle down as a selfish old bachelor. I can't 
 marry: I've nothing but a beggarly allowance and a 
 confiding tailor while the governor lives, which will be 
 forever. I went to see his medical man not long ago, 
 and he told me he was good for fifty years yet. I went 
 off then and signed the lease for my house.* There will 
 be a capital town-house, and all that, when I come into 
 the property ; but I am tired of the life I have been 
 leading, and want a den of my own, where I can be as 
 much of a bear as I choose." 
 
 " How long is your lease ?" 
 
 " Seventy years." 
 
 " Why, what possessed you to lease a house for seventy 
 years?" asked Jenny, in utter surprise.
 
 62 ' 0^ 0777 SIDES. 
 
 " Oh, I thought I might get used to it and want to 
 stay ; and I wasn't going to be bundled into the streets 
 any day." 
 
 Jenny could not conceal the amusement afforded her 
 by this idea : " An American would as soon think of 
 flying. I never heard anything so absurd. Why, you 
 are thirty years old now I May I ask if you expect to 
 live to be a hundred ?" 
 
 " I don't know. One of my great-aunts got to ninety- 
 nine, and her physician said he could have made it an 
 even century if she hadn't eaten a Welsh-rarebit for 
 supper one night. He was awfully savage about it. 
 You see, she lived at Bath, and it would have given 
 him a tremendous boost with all the other old women 
 there, if he could have managed it." 
 
 Just then a couple whisked past the door, and Jenny 
 remarked, 
 
 " That Miss Porter is lovely, and dances better than 
 any girl here, I think." 
 
 " If I tell you something, will you be vexed ?" 
 
 " No ; certainly not." 
 
 " I am afraid you will." 
 
 " Not unless you are very rude ; and i am sure you 
 won't be that." 
 
 "Are you sure you won't mind a bit of criticism ?" 
 
 " Of course not," she replied, much puzzled. 
 
 " Well, then, you dance beautifully, but you don't 
 kick out your legs enough at the back." 
 
 At this perfectly unlooked-for and astounding remark 
 Jenny turned into a peony. Quite misunderstanding 
 her furious blush, he said, 
 
 " There, now ! You are angry ! I said you would be
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 63 
 
 vexed! I'm always putting my foot into it. "What 
 1 meant was that I admired Lady Florence Fos 
 ter's way of dancing. Look at her. Here she comes, 
 now." 
 
 Jenny looked, and saw a huge blonde girl with a 
 pronounced attack of " Grecian bend" (which was a la 
 mode then), who certainly was making lively play with 
 her heels, her body bent forward at a most extraordi 
 nary angle. When she could utter anything in answer 
 to his penitent apologies for having "vexed" her, she 
 said that she was " not angry, exactly, but " 
 
 " What ! You don't like her dancing ?" he asked. 
 
 "No; I think it frightful!"- she declared, and was 
 spared further argument, for at that moment a tall, fair, 
 languid man, who had been introduced that evening, 
 approached her. When immediately in front of her, he 
 stopped, glanced at his programme and then at her, and 
 said pensively, 
 
 " I think I'll give you No. 10." 
 
 " I beg your pardon, but I don't think you will," sho 
 replied, angry indeed now. (Jenny, who had had an 
 embarrassment of riches in the matter of partners ever 
 since she went to dancing-school, a belle in white frocks 
 and a blue sash ! Jenny, who had been in the habit at 
 home of dividing her dances between two or three eager 
 aspirants, and had always been made to feel that she 
 conferred an honor on the object of even this temporary 
 preference !) Outwardly civil, there was something in 
 the ring of her voice that made him glance with interest 
 at the fierce little thing looking up at him with such a 
 flash of scorn in her brilliant eys. 
 
 "No. 11, then?" he said.
 
 54 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " I am engaged," she replied curtly, without referring 
 to her programme. 
 
 " ~No. 12, say, or 13, then," he perseveringly suggested. 
 
 "My card is qxiite full," she answered, with no con 
 ventional regrets. 
 
 "A supper-dance, then," he stupidly insisted. 
 
 " I must definitely decline the honor." And, rising, 
 she bestowed upon him the faintest inclination that 
 ever did duty for a bow, and, taking Mr. Lindsay's arm, 
 moved away. " It takes my breath away, quite," she 
 said to him. " Did you ever hear of such a piece of 
 impertinence ? I rage when I think of it ! He'll give 
 me No. 10, forsooth ! Good heavens ! Do you mean to 
 say that English girls put up with that sort of thing ?" 
 
 " No ; of course not. At least, nice girls don't. Some 
 girls might. It is they who make themselves cheap, 
 and they ought not to complain. But the fellow's a 
 cad : anybody can see that. Don't mind him. He is 
 an awful ass." 
 
 He seemed much annoyed by the episode, and, seeing 
 this, she dropped the subject. Some time afterward she 
 heard that the mirror of chivalry, whom she had so 
 roundly snubbed, felt very sore on the subject, and had 
 spoken of her to the Venables as "a spiteful little 
 Yankee." 
 
 That night was a memorable one for Jenny in many 
 ways. For one thing, Mr. Heathcote, who, as an eligi 
 ble parti, had undergone agonies of mind first, misled 
 by her gay and gracious manner, lest she should marry 
 him, and next, when he better understood her, lest she 
 should not, having come to the conclusion that she was 
 essential to his happiness, plucked up his courage.
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 65 
 
 proposed, and was " definitely" refused as a partner for 
 life. 
 
 Meanwhile, Mr. Ketchum had been making a brilliant 
 record for himself. The good-natured fellow took out 
 at least a dozen of the young ladies who sat round the 
 room in long and melancholy rows, fair, fresh, stout- 
 looking girls most of them, in pink and blue and green 
 and white, a partnerless generation, rather heavy all 
 round, it must be confessed, with, in consequence, only 
 a few names here and there on their programme, and 
 awful gaps (and gapes, indeed) between. It was a dis 
 mal business for many of them ; and why they went 
 at all to such a harrowing form of entertainment was a 
 mystery to our Americans. They were quite grateful 
 for Mr. Ketchum's politeness, and it may be safely 
 averred that he lost nothing by it with the mammas, to 
 whom he was likewise most attentive, taking relays of 
 them up to supper, and rendering them a thousand good 
 offices, with his usual amiability and unselfishness. He 
 even forgot his dislike to Miss Frynne when he saw her 
 sitting neglected and forlorn in a corner, carried her off 
 to the supper-room, got her a liberal supply of oysters 
 and pate de foie gras, ordered a bottle of champagne,- - 
 to which she did full justice, he thought, accustomed as 
 he was to the abstemiousness of his countrywomen, 
 and, on her stating that she wished to go home, took 
 her to the cloak-room and put her into her modest 
 eab. 
 
 When Mrs. Fletcher senior was quite worn out, and 
 
 the feat of collecting the girls for the third time had 
 
 been accomplished, after Lucy had begged for the in- 
 
 evi table " one more," which Mr. Ketchum had taken for 
 
 e 6*
 
 66 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 granted, and was spinning out with Mabel, the party 
 followed Miss Frynne's example. 
 
 While waiting for their carriage in the passage, Mabel 
 met an old lady whom she knew. " Hasn't it been a 
 delicious ball?" she cried. "Only to think of it! I 
 have danced every dance. I haven't sat out one. 
 Mamma will never believe it." 
 
 " Yes, yes, my dear. I saw you. It was all very fine. 
 I only hope it will last," said the matron severely, 
 shaking her head dubiously by way of farewell. 
 
 When they got home, Walton had a blazing fire for 
 them and a nice little supper, over which they lingered 
 for some time, Mabel having been dropped at Port- 
 arlington Gardens en route. 
 
 " Six dances with Mabel, Mr. Ketchum ! Take care, 
 or you will have to put on your explanation-coat. The 
 affections of the British virgin are not to be trifled with 
 in this reckless way. You are not in America now, 
 where men devote themselves to every pretty face they 
 fancy and girls pride themselves on being engaged six 
 deep," said Kate, as she rose from the table and shook 
 a finger warningly at her husband's cousin. 
 
 " She hath two eyes, so soft and blue : 
 Take care ! Beware !" 
 
 sang Jenny. And, relapsing into prose, " And remember 
 that I will not have the daisy trampled upon. No flir 
 tations permitted on the premises." 
 
 " I am not flirting," protested Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " Oh, then you are in earnest ?" she replied, putting 
 him promptly on the other horn of the dilemma. 
 "Flirtation is attention without intention, you re-
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 67 
 
 member. Good-night." And Jenny laughingly disap 
 peared. 
 
 " She's a pretty one to lecture me about flirting ! She 
 has been mopping up the pavement with Heathcote for 
 a month, and will have him asking to pay her board-bill 
 for the rest of her life in another week. Anybody can 
 see which way that cat is going to jump. Oh, the 
 women! the women! Do you think Miss Jenny likes 
 that London barrister, Kate? I hope not. He tells 
 me he can't put up the necessary securities, to say 
 nothing of margin ; and a poor man engaged to a poor 
 girl is like a pig under a gate, he can neither get in 
 nor out." And with this characteristic aphorism Mr. 
 Ketohum betook himself to bed. 
 
 IV. 
 
 THE playful warnings Mr. Ketchum had received had 
 no effect upon his relations with Miss Vane, unless, in 
 deed, they served to accelerate the pace of his wooing, 
 for such it now was. But for this attraction, he would 
 long since have exhausted the sights of a provincial 
 town and bolted the historic scenes of the neighborhood 
 at a gulp, as it were, and then rushed off to do the same 
 thing elsewhere with the same fretful haste and joyless 
 expenditure of energy. And, in spite of his infatuation, 
 Mr. Ketchum felt that he was wasting precious time, 
 of which he should not be able to give any satisfactory 
 account to his recording enemy Sam Bates, who was 
 always standing in the background of his mind, asking
 
 68 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 him what he had seen " abrard." His ideal had been to 
 " do" England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, France, Bel 
 gium, Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Italy, and the Holy 
 Land " inside of three months." This was the time he 
 had allowed himself for that hurried race over many 
 thousand miles of foreign territory with its insane 
 jumble of hotels, railway-carriages, cathedrals, picture- 
 galleries, scenery, peoples, and tongues which once in 
 a lifetime the American " business-man" allows himself, 
 usually when already threatened with softening of the 
 brain and most in need of repose. 
 
 Whether moved by this consideration or not, Mr. 
 Ketchum certainly conducted his sentimental campaign 
 with vigor and discretion. He tipped the little slavey 
 so magnificently that when she saw him coming she 
 flew to the door as though she had been shot out of a 
 mortar, and on opening it gave him a series of court 
 esies and quite flattened herself against the wall. She 
 thought him, as she confided to Mabel, " the 'andsomest 
 and most liberal gentleman as ever was," and took a 
 burning interest in the progress of the affair, as indeed 
 all the women in the house did. She would knock at 
 the Vanes' door and say, " The American gentleman is 
 down below again, mem : is he to be allowed up ?" Or, 
 " The gentleman said as 'ow you wasn't to be disturbed 
 on no account, and this package was to be give partic 
 ular into Miss Yane's h'own 'ands, w'ich I 'ope you'll 
 overlook the thumbmark, seein' I was a-doin' the grates." 
 She wore a chronic air of repressed excitement all the 
 while, and quite neglected the penny-dreadful romances 
 on which she was wont to feed her youthful imagination, 
 for a moro fascinating reality.
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 69 
 
 Mr. Ketchum came to know Mrs. Butts by sight, and 
 always had a pleasant word and smile for her. One day 
 he met the old lady on the first floor, and, hearing that 
 she had lost her favorite cat, sent her a beautiful Mal 
 tese mouser, almost all tail, to fill the aching void. He 
 astounded Mrs. Yane by the number, the variety, and 
 the generosity of his benefactions in all directions, and 
 poured a Pactolian stream of flowers, books, and music, 
 the only things he could offer, upon Mabel's head. Hear 
 ing of a crippled lad in whom they were interested, he 
 sent him ten pounds, and, being asked by a clergyman 
 to subscribe to a " Home for Disabled Seamen," of which 
 he was chairman, amazed that gentleman by giving him 
 a check for a hundred. His reputation for liberality 
 grew apace. Cabmen fought for him, beggars followed 
 him, florists sent him specimen bouquets, tradesmen 
 inundated him with 'cards, and begging-letter-writers 
 exhausted all their arts upon him, without, however, 
 making a penny out of this shrewd creature, who knew 
 better than most men how to make, save, and spend 
 money. But, if he had an eye for and hatred of shams, 
 he had a heart easily moved by real distress, and, un 
 happily, there is only too much of that in England, so 
 that ho was always giving, if not to the daughters of 
 the horse-leech, to consumptive widows and reduced 
 gentlefolks, orphan children and old women. It was no 
 part of a scheme for conquering Miss Yane's heart, of 
 course ; but if it had been he could not have better suc 
 ceeded in winning her confidence. To these two lonely 
 women, accustomed to the rigid economies and colorless 
 vistas of a tiny fixed income in which there was room 
 for neither hope nor despair, which curbed every gen-
 
 70 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 erous impulse and tamed every wild dctiire, Mr. Ketchum 
 was a constant source of wonder. He brought with him 
 a breath of his native prairies, and his large ideas, hopes, 
 views of life and its possibilities, the breadth of his 
 horizon, the force of his energy, impressed them more 
 and more. He seemed the splendid flower of conditions 
 undreamt of in their world, a world in which every 
 ounce of tea was carefully weighed and the caddy 
 watched with a vigilance that was never to sleep from 
 the cradle to the grave, in which a gnawing anxiety as 
 to how much was being cut off the leg of mutton down 
 stairs was one of the gravest interests of an immortal 
 soul, the cleaning of soiled gloves and remodelling of 
 old dresses religious rites. 
 
 It amused him beyond measure, when admitted on 
 a sufficiently intimate footing to know of such things, 
 to find that he had been agonizing Mrs. Vane by his 
 reckless way of picking up the poker and vigorously 
 uprooting the fire. She had feebly remonstrated in 
 a playful way once, telling him that " one could not 
 punch a friend's fire until one had known him seven 
 years," and he had said, " Well, I suppose two can 
 do it if one can't, and Miss Mabel can help me if she 
 likes." He never realized the enormity of his offence, 
 until he discovered that, though ostensibly a Christian 
 Englishwoman, Mrs. Yane was really at heart a fire- 
 worshipper. She had a grate half full of clay balls that 
 retained the heat and effected an untold saving in her 
 " coals." The sacred fire was built up and renewed at 
 stated hours by the slavey in lieu of a vestal, and then 
 became to all intents and purposes an altar which no 
 one was ever allowed to desecrate by a touch. " Why
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 71 
 
 don't you have a fire ?" ho would ask, in entire good 
 faith, on coming in on bitterly cold days and finding the 
 ladies in a chilly room, decorously engaged on some bit 
 of needle-work before a handful of coals built into a 
 pyramid in the centre of the grate. 
 
 " We have got one ! There was a beautiful blaze not 
 five minutes ago. Mabel, dear, you might lift that lump 
 a little on the right, and stir it very gently, if Mr. 
 Ketchum feels cold." 
 
 Such as it was, Mr. Ketchum sat by it a good deal, 
 warmed, let us hope, by a more sacred flame. He got 
 two severe colds, it is true, that resulted in quinsy and 
 a swelled face, by sitting in that cheerless lodging- 
 house; but they did not cool the ardor of his suit, 
 ?hich a refrigerator would have been powerless to 
 affect, and Mabel was not sorry when he was well 
 enough to resume his visits. 
 
 Curious affairs they must have been, those intermin 
 able talks between people who differed in a thousand 
 things and agreed perhaps in a dozen. It was a duet, 
 chiefly, between Job and Mrs. Yane, punctuated by 
 Mabel's bright smiles and blushes and neat platitudes, 
 for she was a gentle, good little girl, obedient to a fault, 
 accustomed to see life over her mother's shoulders, and 
 it would have seemed to her quite shockingly bold to 
 have taken a leading part in any conversation. It 
 seemed the most unlikely thing in the world that these 
 two should ever have cared for each other, yet somehow 
 the great Leveller smoothed the way to a perfect under 
 standing and affection between them, she seeing and 
 valuing the fine qualities, the real refinement and good 
 ness, that lay hidden under what had struck her aa
 
 72 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 roughness and eccentricity, and he recognizing under 
 the conventional crust of a formal manner a sweetness 
 and unselfishness and womanliness that seemed to him 
 little short of adorable. 
 
 Matters were at this interesting and satisfactory 
 stage when Mrs. Yane became suspicious and put a 
 sudden stop to their further progress. Hearing that 
 Mr. Ketchum visited and sent bouquets to other young 
 ladies of his acquaintance, as indeed he did, being of a 
 gallant and amiable turn of mind, she took it into her 
 foolish old head to think of him, and, what is more, 
 speak of him, as " a desperate flirt." Mabel was im 
 pressively warned not to believe a word that he said. 
 She was kept up-stairs when he called. She was made 
 to return, with polite, frigid little notes, as loans, the 
 books he had given her. If they met on the Promenade. 
 Mrs. Vane was always there too, and gave Mabel's arm 
 a warning squeeze, which said that she was to bow and 
 cross the street. The poor child was not even allowed 
 to walk in the square opposite Portarlington Gardens, 
 for fear of meeting the ogre who- was crunching all the 
 young women's bones in the place. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum was completely mystified by this fine 
 display of feminine tactics, and confided his woe to 
 Kate at great length. Not only was life valueless and 
 existence unendurable, but, among other things, a picnic 
 that he had long planned was completely spoiled, since 
 Mabel would not come to it. 
 
 "Are you sure she won't?" said Kate the comforter. 
 " I don't know about that. Let me ask her." 
 
 To this he joyfully assented, and, for some reason, 
 she was not only cordially received, though she went
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 73 
 
 as his ambassadress, but Mrs. Vane accepted the invita 
 tion for herself and her daughter. 
 
 Hearing this, Mr. Ketchum threw himself with more 
 than his usual energy into the preparations for the oc 
 casion. He ordered the luncheon from London, and, 
 when the caterer murmured something about its being 
 an expensive proceeding, exclaimed. 
 
 " Oh, blow the expenses ! That isn't your lookout 
 This is my funeral. I want an A 1 lunch, I tell you, 
 and the whole thing done as well as you know how to 
 do it. No rag and bobtail odds and ends, now, and 
 wine that will bore a hole through our sides ! I want 
 the best that is to be had, and am willing to pay the 
 piper. And look here: I don't want a teaspoonful of 
 ice-cream in a butter-plate, either! And send plenty 
 of those fellows of yours in swallow-tails, to run the 
 thing as smooth as greased lightning. Do you under 
 stand ?" Just such instructions had never been left at 
 that shop ; but there was no misunderstanding the gen 
 eral tenor of them, and in spirit they could not have 
 been better carried out, as was shown when the day 
 came. 
 
 " These people have been polite to you, Kate, and I 
 don't want you to be under any obligations to them. 
 Ask them all," he had said. She replied that, in her 
 husband's absence, she had not entertained to any great 
 extent, but that she had given a number of small affairs 
 and did not feel herself weighed down by her social 
 obligations. 
 
 " Well, never mind ! ask them anyway. We'll take 
 the town and paint it red!" said he, as he went off 
 whistling " Captain Jinks of the Horse Marines." 
 D 7
 
 74 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 A large party assembled on the day chosen, a fine, 
 mild day, full of suggestions of spring, and as well 
 adapted for the expedition as though it had been 
 ordered on purpose. A long string of carriages went 
 rattling out of the town into the lovely country be 
 yond, past Cranham "Wood to Witcomb, where it had 
 been agreed that the remains of a Roman villa should 
 be visited. Arrived at the spot, the party came to a 
 halt, and, after endless chatter and delay, dismounted 
 and formed into a straggling procession, which struck 
 into a foot-path that led through a farmyard full of 
 comfortable-looking animals, hay-ricks, and poultry into 
 a succession of fields, and brought up at two small stone 
 thatched huts near the border of the wood. Entering 
 the largest of these in detachments, all the ladies fell 
 into the regulation fit of rapture over what remained 
 of the remains, and gazed with enthusiasm at certain 
 spots in the tessellated mosaic pavement which, with 
 the aid of a vivid imagination and the eye of faith, 
 could be made out to have been intended for fishes. 
 Most of the guests felt but a languid interest in this 
 piscatorial display ; but Mr. Ketch um got out a foot- 
 rule and went to poking and peeping and measuring 
 with much zeal and intelligence. He discovered that 
 the lintels of the door- way leading into the next room 
 were of massive stone and more than six feet high ; 
 that the floor of the room rested on pillars three feet 
 high, and each about one foot square, set sufficiently far 
 apart to permit combustibles to be thrust in between 
 them and the whole room heated. He tipped the guide 
 and got two bits of the tesserae and dug up a bit of the 
 cement. "Hang it! I must find out how those old
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 75 
 
 scalawags did this ! They beat the world at it !" said 
 he, as lie tied the relics up in a corner of his handker 
 chief. He stared for ten minutes at the hypocaust 
 under the flooring, calculated the amount of wood and 
 coal it would take to '.'run" it, and declined to leave, 
 though Kate assured him the others were getting rest 
 less, until he had satisfied himself as to what became of 
 the ashes, and wondered what people in Tecumseh 
 would say if he bought it and transported it bodily 
 there. The interest he exhibited in this antiquarian 
 research surprised his relatives, who could not under 
 stand the attraction it had for his practical mind. 
 
 At last he consented to move, and, taking carriages, 
 they drove rapidly to Birdlip and up to the door of 
 ' The Black Horse" Inn, where everything wore an ex 
 tremely festive air and a small army of servants was 
 drawn up to meet them. Entered from the street, the 
 house was in no way remarkable, but it .must have been 
 artfully contrived to heighten the effect produced on tho 
 mind when, walking straight through a long, narrow, 
 dark passage, they came out suddenly upon a lovely 
 garden laid out on the very verge of a cliff which sloped 
 almost perpendicularly several hundred feet to the val 
 ley of the Severn and commanded one of the most ex 
 tended, varied, and beautiful views in all England. The 
 Americans were especially enraptured by it, and, long 
 after the other ladies had gone in to lay aside their 
 wraps, Jenny and Kate and Lucy and Mrs. Fletcher, 
 stood in a group on the terrace, picking out and admir 
 ing in detail the white Roman road stretching straight 
 across the valley, the Severn winding through it, the 
 towns of Gloucester and Worcester with their spires
 
 76 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 and cathedrals dotting it, the abbey tower of Tewkes- 
 bury rising out of the woods in its centre, the beautiful 
 Malvern and Shropshire hills that encircled it, and a 
 thousand features besides of this most charming land 
 scape. 
 
 By this time the party had assembled in a closed pa 
 vilion, which, thanks to the upholsterer and the florist, 
 had been completely transformed. The dull gray light 
 of an English winter's day had been shut out ; it was 
 brilliantly lit, and the long, bare, dismal room was ga;> 
 with bunting and mirrors and flowers, and at the upper 
 end an orchestra was playing delightfully. Mr. Ketchum 
 had kept his preparations a secret even from his rela 
 tives, and, like his other guests, they found this feature 
 of the entertainment a most agreeable surprise. On 
 their complimenting him upon it, he said that he was 
 "determined it shouldn't be a one-horse, Jim Crow 
 blow-out, if he had anything to do with it." Mrs. Vane 
 stood transfixed when she arrived at the door, near 
 which her host was standing. "Look here! Why 
 don't you leave your gums outside ?" said he, glancing 
 down at her feet. 
 
 " What ? What did you say ?" she exclaimed. 
 
 " Your gums. You have forgotten to take them off." 
 
 " Take off my gums I What on earth do you mean ? 
 How can I ? or why should I, if I could ? I beg pardon, 
 but I really can't have understood you," said she, put 
 ting on her glasses and peering at him in her near 
 sighted way, completely mystified. 
 
 " Why, your shoes I am talking about. Don't you 
 dee ?" said he, pointing at them as he spoke. 
 
 "Oh!" she exclaimed, a full, long-drawn English
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 77 
 
 "Oh!" with volumes in it, "you mean my galoches." 
 And then she sat down and laughed more heartily than 
 she had done most likely for twenty years over what 
 was to her mind an exquisitely absurd mistake, and, 
 seizing Miss Frynne, who was passing, began, " What 
 do you suppose they call galoches in America, my dear ? 
 Glims!" and she related what had passed, and both 
 ladies found in it a whole comic almanac. They are 
 I'elating it to this day, no doubt, amidst cries of " Really, 
 now !" and " How very remarkable !" " What very 
 curious people the Americans must be !" from their as 
 tonished friends, who, truth to tell, are easily surprised, 
 and find the least variation from English customs amaz 
 ing in a people who, though they went to housekeeping 
 three thousand miles away a good while ago, and have 
 naturally got to calling some things by different names, 
 are in the main more easily understood than the worthy 
 inhabitants of Scotland, Ireland, Wales, or even Eng 
 land, outside the large towns and below a certain rank. 
 When the dancing had gone on with immense spirit 
 for a couple of hours, luncheon was announced. It was 
 called that, but was really an elaborate banquet, in which 
 every delicacy that Covent Garden Market could fur 
 nish and a French chef convert into delicious plats was 
 served to perfection. At each lady's plate there was a 
 lovely bouquet and a charming little souvenir of some 
 kind, ordered from Paris by Mr. Ketch um, each one an 
 elegant and tasteful trifle, and as nearly as possible of 
 equal value. To each was fastened a card, with " Mr. 
 Job Ketchum, Tecumseh, Michigan," engraved on it in 
 large letters, and, though there have been prettier names 
 and better-known places, I doubt whether any gontle- 
 
 7*
 
 78 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 man's card ever gave more entire satisfaction. There 
 was the prettiest possible little flutter around the table 
 as each package was opened and its contents admirec 
 and compared, and beaming glances and cordial thanks 
 were poured out on the smiling host, who I am afraid 
 lost a good deal of both in his effort to catch Mabel's 
 timid, pleased glance as she unrolled the tissue-papers 
 folded around her dainty tortoise-shell fan. 
 
 " If you please, 'm, one lady has been overlooked," 
 whispered Walton (who was presiding over the affair 
 with a dignity and omnipresence remarkable even in 
 him) to young Mrs. Fletcher. " "What would you wish 
 done about it ? "Would one of the family, beggin' your 
 pardon for making so bold, be willing to give up " 
 
 " Certainly. You see everything, Walton. Take 
 mine," she said. And a moment later Miss Frynne, 
 who was quite at the other end of the table, received, 
 with a neat apology from Walton, her share of the 
 goods the gods had provided. Partaken of under un 
 usual circumstances and in such pleasant company, the 
 little feast seemed a piquant improvement upon ordinary 
 entertainments, and put every one into a state of bril 
 liant good humor. 
 
 All the conditions for thawing English reserve were 
 in force, and although the entire party did not make as 
 much noise as ten average Americans would have made 
 under the same circumstances, there was plenty of ani 
 mation in the subdued current of sound, and it was 
 evident that pleasure was at the helm as well as Walton, 
 who, to pursue the simile, had taken command of all 
 Higginson and Chuffey's young men early in the day, 
 and felt as bold as an admiral on his ^wn quarter-deck.
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 79 
 
 When they rose from the table, Mr. Ketchum walked 
 round to where Mabel Vane was sitting, took a lovely 
 rose from one of the epergnes and oifered it to her. "With 
 a shy look at him and an anxious one in the direction 
 of her mother, she accepted it and held it in her hand. 
 
 "Put it in your dress," he commanded rather than 
 suggested, and Mabel, flushing painfully, and mindful 
 of her mother's instructions, began to say, in her low 
 voice, 
 
 " I I would rather not. At least " here she caught 
 Mrs. Vane's eye, and saw with surprise that she was 
 smiling and nodding amicably in Mr. Ketchum's direc 
 tion. Mrs. Vane had been hearing from Miss Frynne 
 that Mr. Ketchum had " pots of money, and was no end 
 of a catch." She had been deeply impressed by the 
 present display, and had suddenly concluded that she 
 would reverse her policy of the past two weeks. Glad 
 of the permission implied by her mother's glance, Mabel 
 said, by way of reparation, " I am afraid it will fade. 
 However " She did not finish the sentence, but put 
 the rose in her belt. Mrs. Vane joined them, and was 
 overpoweringly civil to Mr: Ketchum. She was too sorry 
 to have missed him so often lately, but she had been 
 selfishly absorbed in some private matters, and Mabel 
 had been obliged to keep her room a good deal. Dear 
 child ! her throat was so delicate ! But ho must come 
 very soon again and spend a nice long morning and tell 
 them some more about his exciting adventures in what 
 was the name of the place ? Colorado. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum did not understand the situation at 
 all, but, nothing loath, promised readily enough, and 
 promptly asked Mabel for a dance, which she cheerfully
 
 80 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 accorded. Everybody had drifted back to the pavilion 
 by this time, and dancing was going on with more zest 
 than ever. In the course of the afternoon Mr. Ketchum 
 danced five times with Miss Vane, and not much with 
 any one else. 
 
 " Depend upon it, he is in earnest, dear Mrs. Yane ! 
 I am sure your Mabel is about to make a most brilliant 
 match," whispered Miss Frynne. " Only do be sure 
 about the money. It is so very difficult to find out 
 anything about foreign fortunes." 
 
 And, though she parried her friend's congratulations 
 discreetly and affected to pooh-pooh the idea, Mrs. Yane 
 revolved in her own mind a dozen schemes for landing 
 the big fish that had strayed into her net, and marked 
 out her own line of conduct definitely. 
 
 It was almost nightfall, and Mr. Ketchum was dis 
 posing of his guests in the various carriages, when he 
 heard a hubbub in the inn, and turned back to see what 
 was the matter. It was briefly this : Lucy had gone 
 back to the edge of the cliff to get a last view of the 
 valley, which came very near being her last view of 
 anything, for her foot slipped in some way, and she slid 
 down ten feet, stopping on a ledge that, fortunately, 
 jutted out just there. How it happened that Walton 
 heard her shriek, and, seizing one of Chuffey's men and 
 a couple of table-cloths, managed in a few minutes to get 
 her back on terra firma, and bear her, half fainting, to 
 the house, she never knew ; but it was one of that in 
 valuable servant's most striking peculiarities that he 
 was never out of the way and never in it. Here was a 
 sensation that afforded ample food for comment as the 
 party drove home in the twilight.
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 81 
 
 " Where did you get that fellow ?" Sir Eobert asked 
 Mrs. Fletcher senior. " He is one of the best servants 
 I ever saw. If you are not thinking of taking him to 
 America with you, 1 should like to take him into my 
 service. He is a quick-witted chap, and a plucky one, 
 too, by Jove ! That was a neat thing of his, getting 
 your daughter up from that place like that. Most ser 
 vants would have left her to tumble off into the valley 
 while they ran all over the place collecting a mob of 
 people and pointing out the wrong spot." 
 
 "And hasn't he a good face, Sir Eobert? Such an 
 honest, open countenance ! I am sure we never, never 
 can repay him," she replied. 
 
 The lights of Cheltenham were twinkling in the dis 
 tance, and Mr. Ketchum, who had saved a seat for him 
 self next to Mabel, was wishing the town a good deal 
 farther off, when Mrs. Vane bent forward and addressed 
 him : " If you have no engagement, could I see you 
 to-morrow ?" 
 
 " Why, of course you can," he replied, heartily. " 1 
 am always at the service of the ladies. About what 
 
 " In the morning, some time. About eleven, I think, 
 if convenient." 
 
 Not long afterward, they were all exchanging faro- 
 wells and telling Mr. Ketchum what a " charming affair" 
 and " immense success" the expedition had been. 
 
 " I hope you have had a happy day," Mr. Ketchum 
 said to Mabel, " and that I shall see you to-morrow. 1 
 have said ' Damn it !' pretty often lately when I have 
 found that door shut on me, though I generally draw 
 things mild. Shall you be at homo?"
 
 82 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Before Mabel could answer. Mrs. Vane interfered: 
 "No: Mabel, unfortunately, is obliged to go to the den 
 tist's to-morrow. You must put up with an ugly old 
 woman for once," she said, with what she meant for a 
 meaning glance, Mabel standing by and hearing of this 
 arrangement for the first time. 
 
 At the appointed hour next day Mr. Ketchum made 
 his appearance in Portarlington Gardens, and was 
 almost instantly admitted and taken up to Mrs. Vane's 
 shabby-genteel little drawing-room, where she was 
 waiting to receive him. As far as he had thought of 
 the interview at all, he had quite made up his mind 
 that he was to be consulted on some business matter. 
 " "Women are always getting into a muddle in money 
 matters and sending generally when it is too late for 
 some man to pull them out," he said to himself. He 
 was confirmed in his impression by Mrs. Vane's thank 
 ing him effusively for his kindness in coming and apol 
 ogizing for the inroad she was making upon his time. 
 He saw that she was ill at ease and somewhat nervous 
 in manner, and, with a view to helping her, said kindly, 
 " Well, now, what is it ? Here I am, ready to do 
 anything in the world that I can for you and Miss 
 Mabel." 
 
 " You are very kind ; really, most kind. Thank you 
 very much for it," she murmured, putting down the 
 cushion on which she was making macrame lace and 
 looking at him. 
 
 " Oh, no, I ain't. What are men for?" he rejoined. 
 
 " I am about to approach you upon a very delicate 
 matter, a very delicate matter indeed, and it is highly 
 embarrassing. But I have a sacred duty to perform ,
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 83 
 
 and 1 must do it, no matter what impression I may 
 make upon you," she went on. 
 
 " Now, don't you bother your cdbeza about that, my 
 dear madam. I have told you already that you can 
 count on yours truly to command," said he, leaning 
 back in his chair and thinking, " In a mess with her 
 stocks and bonds : I'd bet my bottom dollar on that." 
 Then, aloud, " You are in some sort of fix now, ain't 
 you ?" 
 
 " If you mean trouble and anxiety, you are right, 
 dear Mr. Ketchum. Never was a woman more sorely 
 perplexed ; and, reluctant as I am to say anything to 
 you that " 
 
 " Oh, that's all right. Go ahead. Never mind," ho 
 interrupted. 
 
 " Then, if you will pardon the natural solicitude of a 
 parent, the only surviving parent of a most lovely and 
 interesting young girl, placed in a position of most ter 
 rible responsibility" (here she took out a black-bordered 
 handkerchief and put it up to her eyes, while Job shuf 
 fled uneasily in his seat, thinking, " Great Scott ! I hope 
 she isn't going to let on her water-works!"), "I beg 
 of you not to be offended, dear Mr. Ketchum, if I ask 
 you what your intentions are in regard to my dearest 
 child." 
 
 "What's that?" exclaimed Mr. Ketchum, sitting bolt 
 upright in his chair and staring at her with a fierce 
 frown, his whole body galvanized into immediate in 
 terest. "What's that you are saying?" ho repeated 
 curtly. 
 
 Mrs. Vane trembled inwardly at the change in his 
 manner, but went boldly on : "I am asking what your
 
 84 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 intentions are with respect to my daughter, Miss Vane," 
 she said, putting the case more formally. " You cannot 
 be blind to the fact that from the very first you have 
 gone out of your way in every place and company 
 where you have met us to shower upon her the most 
 pronounced and compromising attentions. You have 
 singled her out repeatedly ; you know that you have, 
 perfectly well. It is useless to deny it. And I have a 
 right to ask whether, after coming here day after day 
 for weeks, and sending my child books and flowers and 
 music and boxes upon boxes of sweets, and dancing 
 with her in public five times in succession, you mean to 
 go away from here without making her a proposition 
 of marriage ?" 
 
 Her temper had risen ; gone were her mellifluous 
 accents, and her voice was as sharp and rasping as a 
 fish- wife's as she turned and glared at poor Mr. Ketchum, 
 who, instead of attempting to answer any of the charges 
 on which he was arraigned at the maternal bar, only 
 sank back in his chair, and exclaimed, " Well ! If this 
 don't beat the Jews!" He was so completely taken 
 aback that he was positively speechless for several min 
 utes, and returned Mrs. Yane's stare with interest. 
 Then, to that lady's intense astonishment, he suddenly 
 burst into a roar of laughter, and, getting up from his 
 neat, walked rapidly up and down the room, shaking his 
 head from side to side, waving his long arms about, and 
 exclaiming, " This beats everything ! This gets me, and 
 no mistake !" 
 
 When the paroxysm of laughter had spent itself, ho 
 resumed his seat without apology and turned a quizzical 
 face and a pair of twinkling eyes upon Mrs. Yane, who
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 85 
 
 had spent the interval in bouncing about on the sofa in 
 a state of fury. 
 
 " Is it, has it been your intention all along to compro 
 mise my daughter by engaging in a meaningless and 
 contemptible flirtation ?" she jerked out. 
 
 "Not if the court knows itself," he replied coolly. 
 " But. if it comes to that, I should say that you are 
 doing a great deal more to compromise her than I have 
 done. "What have I done, by the by? I should say 
 that, on a rough estimate, I had paid five hundred girls 
 as much attention in my time, and nobody ever thought 
 anything of it." 
 
 This was a direct realization of Mrs. Yane's worst 
 fears and suspicions, and she broke out upon him: 
 " That sort of thing may be customary in America, Mr. 
 Ketchum, where I have heard that the relations between 
 the sexes are of a most extraordinary character ; but let 
 me tell you that it will not do in respectable English 
 families. You have done my daughter a great wrong. 
 You have blighted her future and kept off other men." 
 
 A fresh twinkle lit up Mr. Ketchum's eye at the idea 
 jf his being supposed to have frightened off a hundred 
 or two of Miss Vane's suitors, when that guileless child 
 had already told him that he was the only man who, as 
 she put it, " had ever been at all well, you know, nice 
 to me," or whom she had known intimately. 
 
 " I don't want to crowd the mourners," said he. "If 
 she wants any fellow to take my place, I'm ready to 
 take a back seat. I'll ask her about that/-' 
 
 " You shall do nothing of the sort," snapped mamma. 
 
 " I have a good deal to say to her about that and 
 several other little matters," rejoined he calmly.
 
 86 OAT BOTH SIDES. 
 
 And she, seeing that the battle was going against her, 
 had recourse to the last refuge and safety-valve of the 
 sex, and burst into tears. She loved Mabel, and was 
 really distressed and upset by the result of her inter 
 ference. She dared not -let the child know what she 
 had done, feeling instinctively that it would be regarded 
 as unpardonable. "Don't tell her," she whimpered 
 " She would never forgive me. And I thought I was 
 acting for the best." 
 
 This speech not only changed the whole current of 
 his feelings toward her, for he saw in it a genuine 
 expression of maternal affection and solicitude, but it 
 brought the delightful assurance that Mabel knew 
 nothing about her mother's little plan for bringing him 
 to book. " Now, look here ! You stop crying," he said 
 in his usual friendly tones. " I love your daughter, and 
 I mean to ask her to be my wife. I'm a rough fellow, 
 and I ain't fit for such a dainty, pretty piece of goods 
 as that; but I made up my mind to it the first time I 
 ever set eyes on her sweet face. But you oughtn't to 
 have tried to hurry up the corpse as you have done. It 
 may be the custom over here, but it ain't a pretty one, 
 to my thinkin'. A man ought to be ready to go down 
 on his knees before a woman like that, and it hurts him 
 to think of her being speculated with. If I thought 
 Miss Mabel had a hand in this, I'd take the next 
 steamer. But I know she hasn't. It would never 
 come into her innocent mind. She'd never do anything 
 she oughtn't to. She's the sweetest woman that ever 
 trod shoe-leather." He spoke very gently, and made 
 little pauses after each sentence, while Mrs. Vane cried 
 copiously in her corner. " You haven't got anything to
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 87 
 
 fear from me. I want to do what's right and square," 
 he went on presently. " I'll ask her this very day, if 
 you say so. Lord ! I wish I'd been a better man !" 
 
 At this Mrs. Vane took her hands down suddenly 
 from her face, and, with a real burst of womanly feel 
 ing, grasped his hand and shook it warmly, half crying 
 all the while. " You are a good man, Mr. Ketchum ! 
 You have made me ashamed of myself. If Mabel will 
 marry you, I shall be glad and proud to have such a 
 son !" she cried. 
 
 Five minutes later, this stormy interview had ended 
 and Mr. Ketchum was walking down the long beautiful 
 avenue of elms that leads from the Queen's Hotel to the 
 Promenade, when whom should he see, "timid, and 
 stepping fast," but Mabel, looking a thousand times 
 lovelier than ever in the light of his new resolution. 
 " You are a cheerful-looking young lady to be coming 
 from the dentist's," he cried out gayly as he advanced 
 to meet her. " You can't have suffered any to hurt." 
 
 " No, I haven't. It was all a mistake. When I got 
 there, the man told me that his appointment was with 
 mamma for next week ! I can't think how she could 
 have supposed it was I. She has a book for engage 
 ments, and is so very accurate about her entries, as a 
 rule. It is very odd. But I was not sorry to escape. 
 I went off to Heath's at once, and only fancy! I 
 found quite a new azalea, the Princess Maude, a lovely 
 thing ! I ordered a pot of it to be sent home, and meau 
 to surprise mamma with it at breakfast." 
 
 Mr. Ketchum had joined her, and was walking back 
 with her to Portai lington Gardens, which was five 
 squares off, and at which they arrived three hours
 
 88 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 later, after a long walk in the country beyond Lans 
 downe Crescent and the outlying villas, down several 
 lanes that led they had no idea where, and over daisy- 
 starred fields that to them formed a tolerable substi 
 tute for the garden of Eden ; returning in a shower 
 under one umbrella, a blissful, bedraggled, engaged 
 couple I 
 
 ' Well, Kate," said Mr. Ketchum to his cousin that 
 evening, " I have gone and done it at last ! I have 
 played my last card, and, if I know anything about it, 
 it's the biggest trump in the pack. I'm engaged to 
 Mabel Yane." 
 
 Enthusiastic exclamations of " Goodness gracious ! 
 You don't mean it ! How perfectly delightful ! I am 
 so glad !" and a hearty embrace followed. 
 
 " Yes," he resumed thoughtfully, poking the fire for 
 once in a tranquil way, " it seems too good to be true. 
 A plain, rough fellow like me. It's wonderful ! But 
 one thing is certain : she might have taken a handsomer 
 man, and a more palavering man, and she- could have 
 found a better one easy, but none of them could treat 
 her any better than I mean to. She shall have every 
 thing on top of this green earth that I can give her ! 
 And you were right, Kate. That mother of hers got 
 out her lariat to-day and tried to rope me in ! I never 
 was so surprised in all my life. I was completely euchred 
 for a while. The bottom fell right out of my tub." 
 
 " Oh, dear ! How delicious ! Do tell me all about it. 
 Begin at the beginning," cried Kate in her most eager, 
 excited voice. 
 
 He related what had passed, and they were still talk 
 ing when Walton slipped in with his usual cat-like tread
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 89 
 
 to announce dinner. The last thing Mr. Ketehum said 
 was, " I cut loose from all my rough associates long ago ; 
 I got tired of that life. And one thing more, Kate, 
 I've shaken hands with whiskey. I don't mean to so 
 much as look at an empty beer-bottle without having 
 blue goggles on. I've said it ; and when I say a thing 
 I mean it." 
 
 A week later the personal surroundings of the 
 Fletchers had considerably changed. Mr. Ketchum 
 had gone off at last to the Lakes, the Heathcotes to 
 Surrey, and the Yenables to the Isle of Wight. A fort 
 night later Mr. Fletcher arrived, having come over 
 partly on business and partly to take his family home, 
 and causing a sensation by his announcement that ho 
 meant to catch the next Cunarder. 
 
 Ladies, unlike stones, collect a larger amount of moss 
 the more rolling they do, and it took vast quantities of 
 packing-cases to hold all the things that Mrs. Fletcher 
 had bought because they were "so cheap, and would 
 cost five times as much in New York." 
 
 It would have been a tremendous undertaking to get 
 ready in so short a time, but for Walton, who contrived 
 that everything in the house should go on as usual, 
 while he ordered, selected, packed, with incomparable 
 judgment and despatch, the Fletchers' personal effects, 
 verified the inventory of the house and replaced what 
 was missing, took notes, left cards, and did a thousand 
 last things as no one else could have done them. Mr. 
 Fletcher was so charmed that he offered him a largo 
 advance on his wages if he would go to America with 
 them ; but he respectfully refused, with many expres 
 sions of gratitude for the esteem in which he was hold. 
 
 8*
 
 90 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 11 What do you thirk of doing, Walton ?" asked Mrs. 
 Fletcher. 
 
 " I'm going abroad, 'm ; I have heard of something 
 there that will suit," he replied, and they reluctantly 
 forbore to press him further about remaining in their 
 service. 
 
 When they finally tore themselves away from the 
 charming town in which they had grown to feel at 
 home, and where they had received great kindness and 
 hospitality, Walton accompanied them as far as Liver 
 pool, was useful indeed, invaluable up to the last 
 moment, and went down the Mersey with them in the 
 tug, in charge of their smaller pieces of luggage, and 
 especially of one dressing-bag of Mrs. Fletcher's con 
 taining several thousand dollars' worth of diamonds and 
 a quantity of other valuables. Each member of the 
 party tipped him handsomely and parted from him with 
 effusion, almost tearfully, indeed, knowing that they 
 should ne'er look upon his like again until they returned 
 to Europe. As he was stepping on the tug, Mr. Fletcher 
 said to him, 
 
 " What did you do with that bag, the bag, Walton ?" 
 
 '' If you please, sir, I gave it to Mrs. Fletcher." 
 
 " Oh, all right. Good-by, again !" 
 
 Ten minutes before, Mrs. Fletcher had made the same 
 inquiry, and he had made the same response, except 
 that in the confusion of the moment, doubtless he 
 had substituted "Mr." for Mrs. Fletcher. When they 
 were well out to sea, Kate asked her husband what he 
 had done with her bag, and, after a long discussion, end 
 ing in a quarrel, they concluded that there had been 
 some dreadful mistake, which Walton would be sure to
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 91 
 
 rectify, and that they must telegraph as soon as tkey 
 reached New York. 
 
 We must go back to mention that Mr. Heathcote and 
 Mr. Lindsay came down to see them off, bearing Sir 
 Eobert's " regrets at not being able to have the same 
 miserable satisfaction." The poor man at a cricket- 
 match a few days before had received a ball almost full 
 in the face and been terribly hurt. His nephew was 
 disgusted. " They wired for me, they thought it so 
 serious, and when I got there I went up to his room on 
 tip-toe. And when the old chap heard my step he sat 
 up suddenly in bed, all bandaged and bloody, a perfect 
 spectacle, and called out what do you suppose? 
 ' Who won ?' Did you ever hear of such an infatuated 
 old idiot in all your life ?" he remarked to Jenny, to 
 whom he renewed a former proposal, only to get the 
 same answer. " Is there any one else ?" he asked, coming 
 back again after he had said good-by all round, and 
 Jenny, with one of her rare, deep blushes, said simply, 
 " Yes : he is waiting for me in New York now." And 
 Mr. Heathcote rushed off without another word, or so 
 much as a last look. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum made a portion of the grand tour he 
 had planned, and returned to America with the under 
 standing that he was to claim Mabel in a year. 
 
 Mrs. Vane said something to him about " settlements," 
 very meekly, before he left. 
 
 "What's that for? Mabel will have all I've got," 
 said he, much annoyed. 
 
 " But suppose you lost your money. It would be so 
 dreadful for my iear MaboJ, away off there among 
 strangers."
 
 92 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum was not convinced, but yielded. " Yery 
 well, then. I will settle fifty thousand on her; and 
 don't you mother-in-law me any more." 
 
 Mrs. Vane was too enraptured to mind his vexation 
 in the least, and he, repenting of his little speech, sent 
 her twenty pounds of English breakfast-tea before sail 
 ing, " to keep that caddy of hers full without her sitting 
 up with it day and night." 
 
 When he got home he forwarded some credentials for 
 which she had asked. They consisted of four letters, 
 one from his uncle, one from a member of Congress, one 
 from a Methodist minister, and one from a firm of 
 bankers. They reached Mrs. Yane at breakfast one 
 morning under cover from her prospective son-in-law, 
 and Mabel sat opposite and assisted at the tremendous 
 ceremony of opening and mastering their contents. 
 The first one that Mrs. Yane picked up was written on 
 immaculate paper in a rather illegible but gentleman 
 like hand, and sealed with a crest, at which she peered 
 curiously for five minutes. It ran as follows : 
 
 " WABASH AVENUE, CHICAGO, April 3. 
 
 " MY DEAR MADAM, My nephew, Mr. Ketchum, writes 
 me that he has had the good fortune to win the affec 
 tion of your only daughter, and begs me, with all the 
 ardor of a lover, to do what I can to promote his suit. 
 I don't think that I could do more than justice to his 
 many fine qualities, and will only say that while he has 
 grown up under peculiar conditions, and has lacked 
 some of the advantages to which he is entitled by 
 birth, he is, as you have doubtless discovered, a man of 
 sterling vorth and innate refinement, kindly in temper
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 93 
 
 and generous to a fault. He has the ability to surround 
 your daughter, if she should marry him, with every 
 comfort, and I know will, as far as possible, guard her 
 from every breath of hardship or misfortune. He has 
 been a devoted son and brother, and in a man I believe 
 these are generally regarded as good guarantees that 
 he will not be found wanting in a nearer relation. My 
 wife writes by this mail to Miss Vane, and, with cordial 
 regards to her, I am, my dear madam, 
 
 " Faithfully yours, 
 
 "ALEXANDER FORBES." 
 
 "How very charming! How entirely satisfactory 
 this is!" Mrs. Vane exclaimed as she handed the letter 
 across the table to her daughter and took up the second. 
 She raised her brows; the envelope was yellow; on 
 being opened it disclosed a sheet of ruled paper, and in 
 what she thought a queer hand she read, 
 
 " WARSAW, INDIANA, April 5. 
 
 ' This is to certify that I have known Job Ketchum, 
 man and boy, now for more than twenty years, and 
 believe him to be an honest, correct, and respectable 
 young man. Any mother could, in my opinion, trust a 
 daughter in his hands. The only fault I find with him 
 is that he is not a professing Christian; but I hope 
 there will yet be an abundant outpouring of grace upon 
 him, and that he will then connect himself with the 
 church of which his father was a member in good 
 standing up to the day of his death. In the bonds of 
 Christian fellowship, 
 
 " EBENEZER D. BOOT."
 
 94 0./V BOTH SIDES. 
 
 11 Mabel, dear, this is really too puzzling for anything. 
 It seems to be from some sort of Dissenting minister. 
 Can Job's family have been chapel-people ? And it 
 sounds like a character for a gardener or footman. 
 You mustn't mind my saying so, but it really doe^ 
 And that ' Warsaw.' There must be a settlement of 
 Poles out there. But I never heard of any Polish dis 
 senters. Did you ? I can't make it out." 
 
 "While Mabel was trying to read the riddle, Mrs. Vane 
 opened the third letter, at the head of which were the 
 name and address of a firm of bankers and brokers in 
 Lansing, Michigan. It was addressed to Mr. Ketchum: 
 
 " JOB KETCHUM, ESQ. : DEAR SIR, Your favor of the 
 13th inst. received. Contents noted. We take pleasure 
 in stating that we have had extensive business dealings 
 with you for five years past, and can bear witness that 
 we have always found you a reliable gentleman of the 
 highest integrity. Your credit and standing among 
 business-men is first-rate, and we endorse you without 
 the least hesitation. 
 
 " Yery respectfully, 
 
 " Yr. obdt. servants, 
 
 "PRATT, HAYNES & Co., 
 " Per J. B. Hodges." 
 
 Mrs. Vane knew nothing whatever of business-men, 
 but was impressed by the practical tone of this letter, 
 and gave it to Mabel, with a smile, saying, " From dear 
 Job's bankers. If he has to be in ti*ade, it is as well 
 that his credit should be so good." 
 
 The smile deepened into a little laugh of satisfaction
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 95 
 
 as she picked up the fourth letter and saw the heading, 
 " House of Eepresentatives, Washington, D. C., March 
 29." 
 
 "From a member of the American Parliament!" she 
 exclaimed. " How very nice !" 
 
 And Mabel, who, with her usual reserve, had said 
 nothing all along, jumped up, and, running round to the 
 back of her mother's chair, read the letter over her 
 'houlder : 
 
 " DEAR MADAM, This will be sent you, I understand, 
 by my talented young friend Colonel Ketchum, one of 
 the most elegant gentlemen it has ever been my happi 
 ness to meet, a leading citizen of my State, and one of 
 the stanchest champions of the people in their present 
 godlike struggle with the bloated monopolists now prej 
 ing on their vitals and sucking away their very life- 
 blood. As a man and as a patriot, General Ketchum 
 needs no endorsement from me, the humblest of the 
 people's servants. 
 
 " Hoping to welcome him and his lovely lady before 
 long to our broad prairies and hospitable hearths, I 
 remain, madam, 
 
 " Yours truly, 
 
 "ANDREW JACKSON SINGER." 
 
 When they had got at the end, mother and daughter 
 looked at each other. 
 
 " Dear ! dear ! I had no idea politics were running so 
 high in America. Things seem in a very bad way," 
 ejaculated Mrs. Vane. "And what does the man mean 
 by his ' lovely lady ?' Why can't he say wife, pray ?
 
 96 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 It really is most unpleasantly ambiguous. And 
 odd it is that they should all lay such stress upon his 
 being a gentleman ! What else should he be ? Well, 
 dear, let us hope it is all right; though it is most 
 awfully queer." 
 
 On some points, what she considered the important 
 ones, Mrs. Vane's mind was quite at rest, and she made 
 no difficulties, indeed, took Job to her heart at once, 
 and wrote him so many letters that she nearly drove 
 him wild, polite correspondence, conducted with unfail 
 ing regularity, not being much in his line. 
 
 " I am not engaged to your mother that I know of," 
 he wrote to Mabel ; " but it seems to me that I hear 
 from her by every mail, and she expects an answer to 
 every one of her letters. Do explain to her that I only 
 write to my own mother once a week." 
 
 At the appointed time he went to Cheltenham, and 
 he and Mabel were duly married with a wealth of car 
 riages, postilions, and wedding-favors that made him 
 wretched from the house of Mabel's third cousin, who, 
 as she was making a good match, " took her up" for the 
 first time and gave her a gorgeous wedding-breakfast. 
 
 From England they went to Paris, where Mr. Ket- 
 chum spent a small fortune on his gentle, dazzled little 
 wife ; and from there he took her all over the Continent 
 and the East, and brought her back triumphantly to 
 America, where he installed her in a lovely home of her 
 own. 
 
 The English mother-in-law thinks herself lucky if 
 she is allowed to spend a month every year with a mar 
 ried daughter; but Kate was not surprised when Mabel 
 wrote, " Mamma is to come to me and make her home
 
 THE PERFECT TREASURE. 97 
 
 with us and be at no expense whatever. Was there ever 
 anything so noble and generous as my dear husband?" 
 
 Is it necessary to say the Fletchers never got back 
 that bag, and, after much telegraphing and writing and 
 the employment of the best detective talent, only traced 
 Walton as far as Spain, and found out that the dignified, 
 able, incomparable " perfect treasure" was a ticket-of- 
 leave man ? 
 
 He had, before entering the Fletchers' service, been 
 for two years in the service of an English officer, who 
 thought as highly of him as they had done. 
 
 "I shall never get over it, never!" exclaimed Jenny. 
 " The foundations of society are completely broken up 
 for me. I wouldn't trust Cardinal Newman now, or Mr. 
 Gladstone, or Charles Francis Adams I" 
 
 " Well, Jenny, Walton was an excelloni servant, none 
 better, but there was always something about his ex 
 pression that I didn't like," commented Mrs. Fletcher 
 senior, who, like the Pope, had set up as infallible, and 
 could not afford to be surprised by an earthquake.
 
 ON THIS SIDE
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 
 
 i. 
 
 ONE day in the spring of 1878, Mr. Job Ketchum, r/jf 
 the firm of Ketchum & Kichardson, brokers, Kalsing, 
 Michigan, came down to his office an hour earlier than 
 was his custom, in order, as he told his wife, that he 
 might "buckle down to his work and get things ship 
 shape again," which was his way of saying that he 
 meant to attack the business * jid correspondence that 
 had accumulated in an absence of six weeks from home. 
 Arrived there, he seated himself before a large desk 
 abounding in pigeon-holes and strewn with papers, en 
 ergetically unlocked three drawers in turn, glanced into 
 and relocked them, and then looked about him, uncer 
 tain where to begin when there was so much to be done 
 at once. His clerk, a sharp-faced young fellow, who 
 had greeted him familiarly on his entrance in high- 
 pitched, nasal tones, now approached, picked up a letter 
 from a heap on the desk, perched himself on a table 
 close by, swung his feet idly, and with a rasping laugh 
 called attention to certain peculiarities in the envelope 
 and address of the document in his hand. 
 
 " Hero's a communication from one of your fine Brit 
 ish friends," he said, " postmarked Leemington, Wah- 
 
 9* 101
 
 102 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 wickshire." (Pronounced in a broadly American fashion, 
 that would have puzzled an inhabitant of the town in 
 question not a little.) " Big seal, with some tomfoolery 
 or other on it, and addressed, as sure as my name is Tom 
 Price, to ' J. Ketchum, Esq., Kalsing, Colorado, Michi 
 gan' ! There's an idiot for you, full-blown." 
 
 " I don't believe it. Give it here !" exclaimed his em 
 ployer, holding out his hand for the letter ; then, recog 
 nizing the handwriting, he could but smile a little to 
 find the accusation true and have fresh evidence that 
 English haziness about America is pretty much now 
 what it was when Mr. Joseph Ball, barrister, of London, 
 used to send voluminous epistles across the Atlantic to 
 his beloved nephew " Major George Washington, at the 
 Falls of the Rappahannock, or elsewhere in Virginia." 
 
 "Queer," commented Mr. Ketchum, "they " Hei-e 
 he looked up, caught the look of impudent triumph on- 
 his clerk's face, and broke off to say, " Not that it's any 
 business of yours, Tom Price, that I can see. I don't 
 take much interest in your wash-list to speak of, and 
 I'll thank you to leave my letters alone in future. Per 
 haps you may have heard of the man who made a large 
 fortune by attending strictly to his own affairs. You 
 are as sharp as a steel-trap about most things, but 
 you've got no more notion of being a gentleman than a 
 pig has of being a gazelle." 
 
 " Oh, pshaw ! I guess I'm as much of a gentleman 
 as most," replied Mr. Price, not at all offended, his amia 
 bility being as invincible as his vulgarity. " And I don't 
 care if I ain't," he added frankly. " I don't see that it 
 would put anything in my pocket. What are you so 
 mad about, anyway ? Correspondin' with high and
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 103 
 
 mighty Britishers don't agree with you. Pity you 
 can't teach 'em a little geography ; but I suppose they're 
 above learnin' it." 
 
 " I suppose you are good at it, now, ain't you ?" asked 
 the artful Mr. Ketchum, in a voice full of flattering 
 suggestion. 
 
 " I believe you," was the prompt response ; and Mr. 
 Price got down and swaggered around the office with 
 his hands in his pockets. " Before I was six years old 
 I knew the capital of every State in the country, and 
 most of the rivers and big towns. I knew Colorado 
 wasn't in Michigan before I cut my first tooth. I never 
 heard of such disgraceful ignorance in all my born days, 
 never!" 
 
 " Well, if you know so much about geography, sup 
 pose you just tell me where Yorkshire is," said Mr. 
 Ketchum, coming to the point. 
 
 "Yorkshire?" stammered Mr. Price, blushing furi 
 ously and taken suddenly quite out of his depth. 
 "Yorkshire? Yorkshire? Why, it is in Scot no, 
 England, to be sure," he said boldly, his shrewd eyes 
 fixed on his employer's face. 
 
 " That was pure guess-work," commented Mr. Ket 
 chum, mercilessly. " Well, what part of England ?" 
 
 " Why, it's in the south " (here Mr. Ketchum nodded 
 affirmatively) "western, that is to say, eastern part, 
 ain't it ?" hazarded Mr. Price slowly. 
 
 " No, it ain't !" exclaimed Mr. Ketchum. " You get 
 you a map of England, young man, and don't you talk 
 any more about ignorance until you have studied it a 
 little and are better posted. You had better sing small 
 about geography for a while. Because you've lit your
 
 104 OAT BOTH SIDES. 
 
 little tallow candle and got twenty feet or so into the 
 tunnel, don't you go supposing that you know all about 
 the bowels of the earth. Put that in your pipe and 
 smoke it. Lay it down as a fixed fact, Tommy, that 
 what you don't know is a good deal more remarkable 
 than what you do, and that running up three columns 
 at a time is pretty smart, but it isn't squaring the circle." 
 Mr. Price muttered something to the effect that no 
 body knew or cared to know anything about such an 
 out-of-the-way place ; but he was as nearly abashed as 
 it was possible for him to be, and it was some time be 
 fore the flush died out of his thin face, as he bent over 
 a ponderous ledger. Not to be "posted" was acutely 
 humiliating to him, for he prided himself upon being 
 habitually in that mysterious state of knowingness 
 which is not culture, but a substitute for it with men 
 of his calibre ; and his discontent finally took shape in 
 a determination to change his subscription from the 
 local newspaper to a New York daily of repute. As 
 for Mr. Ketchum, he leaned back in his chair, not ill 
 pleased with his share in the late discussion, one of 
 many such into which he was continually being drawn, 
 and in which he felt obliged to sustain the role of cham 
 pion of all England, partly because he was a better 
 judge of international questions than most of his coun 
 trymen and liked to see fair play, and partly from love 
 and loyalty to his wife, a shy, timid little Englishwoman, 
 who never took up the cudgels for her native land, no 
 matter how preposterous the statements made about it, 
 but only rolled her eyes beseechingly at her husband, 
 as much as to say, " Dear Job, do you hear them ? Do 
 tell them it isn't true at all "
 
 0^ THIS SIDE. 105 
 
 Thus inspired, it is no wonder that Mr. Ketch um 
 grew quite eloquent in defence of English institutions 
 sometimes, and rather against his convictions was silent 
 at others. But, at the same time, he did not develop 
 the faintest symptom of Anglomania, as a weaker man 
 would have done. There was no change in his dress, 
 speech, or habits, and when he went to England he be 
 came at once the champion of all America, showed the 
 most ardent patriotism, and in all places and companies 
 was a national standard-bearer, defending republican 
 institutions with immense spirit, if somewhat whimsi 
 cally, and gaining the respect even of those who dif 
 fered from him most widely and radically. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum had no sooner made himself acquainted 
 with the contents of his letter than he sprang out of 
 his chair, seized the morning paper, looked at the ship 
 ping-news, made a rapid mental calculation, and put 
 himself at the telephone, which was hardly invented 
 before he had adopted it (connecting his house and 
 office, for one thing) and subscribed for all the shares 
 he could get. In a little while he succeeded in estab 
 lishing communication with his wife, thanks to his 
 masterly use of an instrument which requires a full 
 half-hour of "Hello!" and "What's that?" treatment 
 before it can be induced to repeat the simplest message 
 for most people. 
 
 It was : 
 
 " Is that you, Daisy ? Are you there ?" 
 
 " Yes, love. It is I." 
 
 " Good news for you, Mrs. K. I have just had a letter 
 from Sir Robert Heathcote, saying that he is on his way 
 to this country with his nephew, another fellow, coming
 
 106 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 out here to settle, and some women-folks, your cousin 
 among them." 
 
 Mrs. K., evidently aghast : " Dear me ! Is she com 
 ing ? Only fancy !" 
 
 " Not fancy at all, my dear, but a melancholy fact. 
 She they will all get in to-morrow." 
 
 " You don't mean it I Are they coming out West ?" 
 (plaintively.) 
 
 " Yes, of course." 
 
 " Then you might ask them to stop over from the 
 Saturday until the Monday, if they come this way." 
 
 Mr. K., energetically : " From Saturday until Mon 
 day? Why, Daisy Ketchum, I wonder you ain't 
 ashamed to say such a thing! As if I'd do such a 
 thing, especially to people who have come three thou 
 sand miles and very likely been sea-sick the whole 
 way ! I wonder at you ! I thought I had cured you of 
 all that ' Saturday-until-Monday' business. We might 
 ask them to stop and take a glass of water with us as 
 they cross the continent, if you are bent on being hos 
 pitable." 
 
 Mrs. K., answering the accusation made against hei;by 
 implication : " It isn't that ; but you know what a piece 
 of business it is to entertain my cousin. She will give 
 more trouble than the Emperor of Germany could and 
 all his suite, and she will not care for America a bit ; 
 and how on earth shall we amuse her? I don't like 
 her, and I don't want her, and that is the truth, dear." 
 
 " With the bark on. No more do I ; but she is in the 
 country, and it won't do not to ask her, especially as she 
 is with friends of ours." 
 
 Mrs. K., with resignation: "Perhaps you are right.
 
 ON -THIS SIDE. 107 
 
 dear. She'll have to come. Awful nuisance! Ask 
 them, then, for a week." 
 
 " A month, you mean." 
 
 Mrs. K., desperately: "Job, if you ask her for a 
 month I shall be quite wretched." 
 
 " I can't make it less. A month at least, Mabel." 
 
 Mrs. K., submissively : " Very well, dear. You know 
 best. As you please." 
 
 " I please to make it three weeks, then, good child." 
 
 " Thank you. Three weeks of my cousin is equal to 
 a cycle of anybody else. How she will hate America !" 
 
 Mr. Ketchum whistles a few bars of Yankee Doodle 
 defiantly, and then says, " Hear that ?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " There are several lines of steamers plying between 
 this country and Europe, I believe. 
 
 " I wish she was going home in one of them, instead 
 of coming out." 
 
 " Now, Mabel, don't worry. I'll take the whole thing 
 off your shoulders, and get a housekeeper and order 
 everything from New York in first-rate style." 
 
 " Is Mr. Price there ?" 
 
 " No, he has just gone out." (Frightful fib on Mr. 
 Ketchum's part, and the two men exchange glances.) 
 
 " Then here's a kiss for the dearest husband in the 
 world! Do come up to breakfast soon, stewed kid 
 neys and buttered toast !" 
 
 "All right. I'll be up directly, as soon as I have 
 answered Sir Robert's letter. And Mr. Price hasn't 
 been out at all, Daisy." 
 
 A faint, indignant " Oh, Jcb! How could you?" and 
 the telephone closed.
 
 JOS ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 Mr. Ketchum was late for breakfast, after all, but ex- 
 plained his detention satisfactorily : " I sent Sir Robert 
 a batch of letters of introduction, one to the Browns, 
 and promised and vowed in your name that you 
 would write to your cousin by the fii st mail to say that 
 you were pining for a sight of some English relative in 
 your miserable American home." 
 
 " You are not in earnest ? Surely you didn't say 
 that?" Mrs. Ketchum queried, rather anxiously, for sho 
 was a very literal person, and was never quite certain 
 whether her husband spoke in jest or earnest. 
 
 " "Well, you will find it safer not to take all my re 
 marks at their face value," was his reply. " You ought 
 to have heard Tom Price trying to pump me this morn 
 ing about the party. He's got curiosity enough to set 
 up a dozen villages and two dozen convents. He'll not 
 close an eye now until he finds out every single blessed 
 mortal thing about every one of them. He asked 
 Richardson what he gave for his new carriage, and got 
 no satisfaction ; that was six months ago ; and, if you 
 believe me, he no sooner saw him come in to-day than 
 he stepped up to him and said, ' You needn't have been 
 so close about that carriage of yours. I've found out 
 all about it. It isn't new at all. It's second-hand, and 
 you gave four hundred and thirty dollars for it, and 
 forty more to have it done over.' You ought to have 
 seen Richardson's face. He could have bit a ten-penny 
 nail in two ; not that he cared so much about that, but 
 it's everything. If he steps into a restaurant to take a 
 dozen oysters, there is Tom. If he goes into a bar 
 room, Tom mentions it at the dinner-table, Tom is his 
 wife's brother, you know, and lives with them. If he
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 109 
 
 buys a new suit, Tom finds out what he gave for it ; 
 likewise cigars, buggy-drives, and treats of all kinds. 
 If he owes any money, Tom knows about that. In 
 fact, there's nothing he don't know. Not that he has 
 camped on Richardson's trail, but just because he is a 
 born detective and would cross-question a corpse if ho 
 got the chance. He is a calamity on casters. Richard 
 son isn't an ornament of the Young Men's Christian 
 Association exactly, or superintendent of a Sunday- 
 school, and hates being dogged around like poison ; but 
 he might as well try to escape death as Thomas J." 
 
 " His sister Lucy is not at all a nice person, I think," 
 commented Mrs. Ketchum. 
 
 " Oh, I can't stand her at all. She is nine distinct 
 varieties of born fool, and would talk the ears off a brass 
 monkey. He has sense, at least, and is a good-hearted 
 chap, as easy to get on with as an old shoe. I don't 
 mind telling him when I had the measles, and what I 
 paid the doctor, and how old my grandmother was that 
 nursed me, and what her maiden name was, and her 
 husband's name, and the names and sex of all her chil 
 dren, and how well off she was left, and a few dozen 
 other things, unless I happen to be busy, and then I 
 give him a file to gnaw, pretty quick." 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum was accustomed to her husband's way 
 of putting things, but was now listening to him with 
 the ears of her English cousin. 
 
 " Dear Job," she said, " how you do talk ! What 
 curious expressions you use !" 
 
 " What do you mean ? I talk like other men, don't 
 I ?" he said quickly. " I haven't taken out a patent for 
 it, at any rate. I know what you mean. You mean 
 
 10
 
 110 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 that I don't talk like an Englishman. Don't you?" he 
 demanded, with some asperity. 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum colored violently, and then said gently 
 but honestly, " Yes, dear. Don't be vexed at my think 
 ing that. I don't really wish you to be different in 
 anything from what you are." 
 
 " "Well, it is lucky that you don't," he replied, his face 
 relaxing, but his tones still emphatic, " at least as far as 
 making an imitation Englishman of myself is concerned. 
 I was born an American, and I expect, with the blessing 
 of heaven and the permission of the court, to live and 
 die one. Not that I don't like the English,- and respect 
 them, too. Any sensible man with a level head is bound 
 to do the last, whether he does the first or not, and it's 
 all nonsense Americans being down on them. It is true 
 that they made the mistake for a while of giving us twc 
 fingers when we were holding out both hands with our 
 hearts in them ; but they know better now, and it is 
 stupid to harp any longer on that old string. They are 
 fine, brave fellows, and tell the truth thirteen times in 
 the dozen, and if they are not our relations I don't know 
 where we are to look for any, for my part. I don't 
 want any Frenchmen or Italians in mine, thank you. 
 It is my belief that the Lord has divided the footstool 
 between us and asked us to stand sponsors for the 
 human race. But all the same, when I see some of 
 those fellows in the East, with their plaid suits that it 
 would take two men to show the pattern, and their side- 
 whiskers, and their umbrellas, and bath-towels pinned 
 ai'ound their hats, hawhawing and swelling around, 
 hoping to be mistaken for Englishmen or anything but 
 Americans, I swear I'd give my Susquehanna preferred 9
 
 O.V THIS SIDE. HI 
 
 if I could put every mother's son of them to rounding 
 up cattle out on my Colorado ranch for ten years, until 
 they came to their senses. There's Sam Bates, now, 
 Sam's last is to call the whole of this continent outside 
 the city of New York ' the provinces' ! I asked him 
 when the king his father was going to make him gov 
 ernor-general of them, but the gump only simpered and 
 looked as if I had paid him a compliment." 
 
 " Is he a New-Yorker ?" 
 
 " No o ! Not any more than I am a South-Sea Is 
 lander. He was born and raised right here in Tecumseh. 
 His father had no frills. He was as good an old grocer 
 as ever sanded sugar, took to shaving notes, made a pile 
 which Sam got and spends in ' Noo York,' as he calls 
 it, and was gathered about ten years ago. Pity old 
 Bates can't see how it's going : he'd regret ever having 
 made a dime. A fortune is like a razor, and, unfortu 
 nately, parents never can tell whether a son will shave 
 with it or cut his throat. I hope that youngster of 
 ours, Daisy, will turn out a man, and not a monkey or 
 any other sort of brute." 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum, as proud possessor of the dearest and 
 downiest little baby in the world, was quite shocked by 
 this speech, and said decisively, " Of course he will. 
 How can you doubt it, dear ? You ought not to speak 
 so harshly of Mr. Bates. Perhaps he is just naturally 
 a foolish sort of creature." 
 
 " Well, I do try to remember that the Lord made 
 him, but he is certainly one of heaven's light-weights. 
 I'll try not to square at him any more than I can help, 
 though." 
 
 With this concession the meal cloned; indeed, for Mr
 
 112 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Ketchum it had pi actically come to an end some time 
 before, for the most elaborate dinner never occupied his 
 attention for more than twenty minutes, the simpler 
 meals an incredibly short time ; and after having taken 
 what he wanted it was usually his custom to walk about 
 the room while his wife calmly and leisurely attended to 
 all her little duties, slowly poured out her tea, chipped 
 away at her egg more slowly still, and ate slowest 
 of all, wholly uninfluenced by his restlessness. He 
 would stop for a moment, sometimes, to watch, with a 
 bantering twinkle in his eye, the calm movements of 
 her pretty, white, beringed fingers and tell her that 
 "threescore years and ten was all she could count 
 upon, though there was Thomas Parr, to be sure." And 
 she would smile, and say that " one must breakfast 
 comfortably," and assure him that it was " quite unne 
 cessary to fidget about so, time saved not always being 
 time gained." But neither ever succeeded in either ac 
 celerating or retarding the natural pendulum that ticked 
 so busily and incessantly in his case, with such long, 
 reposeful swing in hers. 
 
 Being in a talkative mood on this particular morning, 
 Mr. Ketchum grew reminiscent over his cigar, and had 
 a great deal to say about Cheltenham, the beautiful 
 English town in which he had met and married his wife, 
 the people he had known there, and so on by natural 
 transition to their expected guests, for whom, in Amer 
 ican fashion, he was willing to put himself out to any 
 extent, anxious only that they should see and enjoy as 
 much as possible, and generously ready to meet any and 
 every demand that might be made upon his time or 
 purse. As for trouble, he was quite willing to take that.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. HJt 
 
 too, but all unconsciously, the word being either left out 
 of the American host's Worcester Unabridged or trans 
 lated as pleasure. 
 
 It was not often that the husband and wife got such 
 a long, quiet talk, for reasons that will presently be ex 
 plained. 
 
 When he finally discovered how late it was, he ex 
 claimed, " This ain't business much, but I have enjoyed 
 it. We are not exactly wretched without our old ladies 
 are we, now ? I wonder if they wouldn't like a trip to 
 California or Cuba some time? Good-by, Daisy. See 
 that Frawlein gets her beef-tea at twelve." 
 
 This is clearly the place to make the reader acquainted 
 with all the persons just mentioned, and to explain their 
 connection with the Ketchums. When Mr. Ketchum 
 transplanted his English daisy from the meadows of 
 Gloucestershire to his native prairies, he felt in duty 
 bound to offer the same advantage to the parent-root, 
 which he thought must otherwise pine and droop, for 
 lorn and miserable, away from its fair little flower. To 
 drop metaphor, he thought himself the natural guardian 
 and protector of his wife's widowed mother, and as a 
 simple matter of course asked her to make her homo 
 with him. From the moment she came under his roof 
 he treated her with the indulgence which alone was 
 possible to him in any intimate relation with women, 
 and for a whole year that lady revelled in a luxurious 
 suite of apartments set apart for her exclusive use, 
 her own carriage and servants, and the belief that she 
 \vould sooner or later get entire control of her daugh' 
 ter's establishment. A the end of that time Mr. Ket 
 chum brought his own mother home, for reasons aa 
 h 10*
 
 114 O.V BOTH SIDES. 
 
 obvious and natural, and installed her on the same floor, 
 across the hall, with exactly the same privileges, indul 
 gences, and comforts. 
 
 lie congratulated himself upon this arrangement very 
 much, if a little prematurely. 
 
 " Your ma has had a hard life of it, and so has mine," 
 he said to his wife ; " and they are both getting old, and 
 I am determined that they shall have everything they 
 want. I've got plenty to do it with, and we'll just nil 
 live along together hero as snug as sardines. I ain't 
 a-going to make any difference between them, down to 
 a paper of pins, and I know you ain't the woman to do 
 it either." 
 
 In accordance with these views, Mr. Ketchum gave 
 both ladies exactly the same allowance of pin-money, 
 christened them facetiously " Mother and T'other," put 
 one on his right hand and one on his left at table, and 
 behaved with the most absolute fairness and the most 
 admirable kindness in everything, from the greatest to 
 the smallest question that came up. Mabel, who loved 
 and admired her husband's generosity, imitated it as 
 well, and never was there less room given for jealousy 
 or heart-burning in any household that was ever organ 
 ized. Mr. Ketchum himself saw to their comforts, 
 their bedroom fires, port, steaks, tonics, and what not, 
 and Mrs. Ketchum was an affectionate, respectful 
 daughter to both alike, anxious to consult their tastes, 
 anticipate their wishes, and obey their very distracting 
 and somewhat imperious commands, for their advice 
 and counsels were apt to take the latter shape. A more 
 cjmplete and ideal paradise for two weary old women, 
 who had been battling with poverty and misfortune
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 115 
 
 respectively for sixty and sixty-five years, it would be 
 impossible to conceive ; yet, such is the perversity of 
 human nature, neither of them was satisfied, happy, or 
 particularly grateful. One would have supposed that 
 there was no room for the serpent to wriggle in, try as 
 he might ; yet he was there, in envy and jealousy, mal 
 ice and all uncharitableness, pride and love of dominion. 
 All Mr. Ketchum's thoughtfulness, generosity, and ben 
 efactions were poisoned to each by the thought that the 
 other shared them. Did he bring home a box of par 
 ticularly fine grapes for Mrs. Yane, that lady was certain 
 that its counterpart was reserved for her rival. Did he 
 surprise his mother by sending her up a handsome silk 
 dress of the most superior quality, she knew quite well 
 that another dress had been cut from the same piece for 
 Mrs. Vane. And so the honest fellow got but tepid 
 thanks, and went delicately, like King Agag, fearing to 
 tread on one or other of the sensitive plants, whose 
 "feelings" would hardly bear being breathed upon, 
 though they had small care for the feelings of others ; 
 and Mabel was ever gentle and good and patient, and 
 the two foolish old bodies squabbled over everything 
 that came up, and made themselves very ridiculous and 
 very miserable. The usual attitude of the belligerents 
 was one of ill-repressed sniffs and sneers : the warfare 
 was illogical and deathless, though rarely did it find 
 vent in open outbreaks. These, when they came, oc 
 curred always when Mr. Ketchum's restraining influence 
 was removed, for, with all his indulgence, he was em 
 phatically master of his own house, and could, as he 
 expressed it, "put his foot down," indeed, plant both 
 feet firmly and squarely and stamp on other feet that
 
 116 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 got in his way. Once at table when Mrs. Ketchum 
 senior had openly taunted Mrs. Vane with being a de 
 pendant on her son's bounty, and Mrs. Vane had taken 
 the ground that the third-cousin of an English earl con 
 ferred an honor in accepting anything at the hands of 
 social inferiors who were only too glad to purchase good 
 blood at any price, Mr. Ketchum had got into one of 
 his rare rages, and had frightened them so thoroughly 
 and rebuked them so sternly that for a month afterward 
 all was as beautifully calm and bright as moonlight in 
 the tropics. 
 
 As a rule, he would good-naturedly laugh and joke 
 away the little clouds that arose on the domestic hori 
 zon, or whisper to his wife, " The ladies ! God bless 
 'em I" and she would say, " Dear mamma is really most 
 trying at times." Husband and wife were in perfect 
 accord and sympathy, and quite resolved to do their 
 duty, no matter how disagreeable. 
 
 But, as if this situation were not enough to try the 
 temper and exercise the tact and forbearance of any 
 couple, a third element of discord had been added some 
 time before the period of which this treats. It hap 
 pened in this way. Mr. and Mrs. Ketchum had spent 
 the previous summer in England, and while there the 
 latter was much shocked to receive one day a letter 
 from a former governess, written actually from the 
 union, into which the worthy woman had drifted, owing 
 to a complication of misfortunes, the failure of a bank 
 containing her little savings, ill health, and old age. 
 She begged to see her " theure allerliebste Schulerin" and 
 of course Mabel went to her at once, and had her gentle 
 heart much touched by the friendless and forlorn state
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 117 
 
 in which she found her old friend. And what should 
 Job do but go and see the poor creature himself, carry 
 ing more life and sunshine into a dingy institution and 
 a despairing soul than either had ever known before ! 
 
 Fraulein Faustina Schmidt was certainly not the 
 loveliest of her sex at her best, much less in the faded 
 print bed-gown that served her for every-day wear and 
 the black hood that framed her broad, roughly-hewn 
 German face (restless Mr. Ketchum had insisted on 
 seeing her at once, and would hardly have waited had 
 it been the queen instead, desirous of appearing before 
 him in her coronation-robes) ; but had she been young 
 and lovely, and an heiress besides, she could not have 
 met with more kind and considerate treatment from our 
 American. 
 
 How she ever gathered the gist of her visitor's 
 eccentrically- worded conversation and quavered out her 
 assent, surprise, and gratitude, no one knows, but in a 
 very brief time the royal-hearted fellow had settled all 
 her future, hired a nurse for her, ordered her clothes 
 packed on the morrow, and herself to be transported 
 bodily to Brighton to convalesce. After this he went 
 all over the establishment, made various shrewd and 
 searching comments on what he saw, resisted several 
 direct and indirect attempts to lighten him of a shilling, 
 and finally left behind him enough money to give the 
 inmates what he called " a good, sqiiare meal, reckoning 
 eight to a turkey and trimmings," and to provide 
 enough tobacco for the luckless old men and tea for the 
 peevish old women to last three full months. 
 
 As he was about to drive off, a fancy struck him, and 
 he hailed the functionary with whom he had just parted.
 
 118 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 l " What would it cost to stuff 'em with oysters ?" he 
 said. 
 
 " Beg pardon, sir ?" 
 
 " The turkeys, I'm talking about. I'd like those poor 
 old dead-beats to know an oyster when they meet it in 
 the next world." 
 
 The official stared, confounded by the proposition and 
 the terms in which it was made. 
 
 " For us, sir, you mean, I suppose. Thank you, sir. 
 It would be a matter of " 
 
 " I mean for the whole lay-out." 
 
 " For them paupers, sir ? You never can be meanin' 
 to do such a wicked thing, beggin' pardon for makin' 
 so bold." 
 
 " Oh, that's your opinion, is it ? Well, it ain't mine. 
 I guess I'll be forgiven for it. They don't have such a 
 lively time, that you should grudge 'em this little blow 
 out. Poor things ! it would be money in their pockets 
 if they never had been born. Well, speak up : what's 
 the damage ?" 
 
 Thus rebuked and solicited, the official named twice 
 the sum necessary for the purpose, and was told that 
 oysters must be considerably dearer in the country than 
 in London, and got something more than half; and 
 away rattled Mr. Ketchum, having first announced that 
 he was " coming down to see the thing out." This he 
 actually did, ten days later, and a chapter might be 
 written about his visit and his interviews with the 
 clergyman of the parish, the doctor, and various local 
 magnates. 
 
 He gave his wife a- lively enough account of the affair 
 afterward: "They were all out in all their war-paint
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 119 
 
 and feathers, regular paper-mill display ; had been 
 getting ready, evidently, for a week," he said. " Poor 
 things ! I took down a lot of gooseberry champagne, 
 and when the corks began to pop every eye was glued 
 to the nearest bottle and glittered like the Ancient 
 Mariner's. Nobody said a word. When it was poured 
 out, some gulped down the glassful and seemed to huve 
 a palate a mile long, and others seemed to dole it out 
 almost a drop at a time. You could see it was kingdom- 
 come to 'em. I haven't had as much fun for a coon'n 
 uge. And you ought to have seen them when the 
 first oyster struck 'em full and fair all round and went 
 straight to the spot ! I would have given anything for 
 their photographs taken in the act. Mean, coppery 
 little things I thought 'em, no more like our Blue Points 
 than chalk's like cheese; but they didn't know the 
 difference. We drank the queen's health, and the 
 President's, and the army, and the navy, and the church, 
 if you please, and they tried to get in a lot of the ' gen 
 erous benefactor' business, but I put a stop to that 
 mighty quick. There was one old champion gorman 
 dizer, about ten thousand years old, that ought to bu 
 dead to-day if he isn't. And Lord, Lord ! the songs ! 
 It was worth every cent of the money, and more too." 
 Then, after a long pause, " There is nothing for the old 
 lady but blood-letting, and we that is, the United States 
 have got to hold the basin, Daisy," he concluded. 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum had not bargained for such complete 
 success as resulted from her attempt to awaken her 
 husband's interest in her ex-governess, and, when ho 
 announced that he meant to take Fraulein Schmidt 
 home with them, she could not believe her ears. A
 
 120 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 small a very small pension was as much as she had 
 dreamed of, and to her mind would have been a munifi 
 cent return for such services. 
 
 " To live with us ! You surely can't mean it, love ? 
 What an extraordinary idea !" she said, in quite a loud 
 voice for her. " What put it into your head ?" 
 
 " Why, you see, she hasn't got a friend on the face 
 of the green earth except us," he replied simply, as 
 if that covered the whole ground. He turned a frank, 
 pleasant faco toward his wife for a moment as he said 
 this, quite unshadowed by doubts or misgivings, and 
 then went on brushing the short-cut, bristling hairs on 
 his head, as if his object was to brush them off, for this 
 conversation took place early in the morning, when 
 Mr. Ketchum was effecting a toilet by means of his 
 usual energetic methods. 
 
 " But to live with us ?" murmured his wife. 
 
 "Yes. Why not? All she wants is a seat in a 
 chimney-corner for a few years with kind people. She 
 has taught school for fifty years, and has got nothing 
 but rheumatism to show for it and death to look for 
 ward to. I guess, now, we can take her in out of the 
 cold, can't we, Daisy ?" 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum had all the acquiescent meekness of 
 the English wife, and would have submissively con 
 sented to almost any proposition of her husband's, but 
 she had something more, and it was this quality that 
 led to a rather unusual and impulsive demonstration on 
 her part. She ran swiftly across the room, put both 
 arms gently around her husband's neck (it was impos 
 sible for her to be other than gentle), gave him several 
 kisses, and then stood off and admired him unaffectedly.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 121 
 
 'Why, hello, Daisy! What's up? Want fifty 
 pounds ?" said he. 
 
 " No. It's only that you are such a dear !" she ex 
 plained, in her ordinary tranquil tones. " There never 
 was any one like you, my dear husband, and I do love 
 you for it." Woman-like, she did not state what " it" 
 was, but she did better, she understood and sympa 
 thized with it. 
 
 " But what will the mothers say ?" she presently 
 asked. " They will never submit to it, not even for a 
 twelvemonth, never ! I really think they would leave 
 the house first." 
 
 " Oh, no, they wouldn't," said Mr. Ketchum coolly. 
 " They are a great deal too sharp for that. They are 
 not going to saw themselves off a limb for a bird's 
 nest." 
 
 The astute Mr. Ketchum was not mistaken, and 
 Fraiilein Schmidt was soon successfully grafted on 
 the family tree, rested thankfully in its wide-spread 
 ing shade, and ate gratefully of its generous fruit 
 without frightening away other birds of gayer plu 
 mage with a better claim to lodge in its branches. 
 Mr. Ketchum, to be sure, displayed some tact and 
 generalship in the affair. That is, he gave the enemy 
 no notice of the intended movement beforehand, of 
 fered no apology at any time, and left his wife to 
 make all the explanations. In his jolly, off-hand man 
 ner there was a tinge of authority that the mothers 
 correctly interpreted, as he introduced Fraulein Schmidt 
 to them and then installed her himself in a comfortable 
 room and told her that she was "just to make herself 
 at home." 
 
 F 11
 
 122 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " If you don't see what you want, ask for it, as the 
 stores say. I guess you'll do now, won't you?" he 
 said to his protegee, who shed copious tears, called upon 
 "loved heaven" and "the dear God" a dozen times in 
 a vain attempt to express her gratitude, and could 
 scarcely believe her good fortune, which seemed made 
 of the stuff that dreams are, until she had spent a 
 week in unpacking a certain hair-trunk (blistered and 
 labelled and brass-nailed to a wonderful extent) and 
 had arranged and rearranged its contents in the ward 
 robe-bureau, closet, and chest of drawers with which 
 she was lavishly supplied. 
 
 The rival mothers were completely taken aback. 
 They thought it best to temporize for a day or two, 
 and then open fire. Mrs. Ketchum senior accordingly 
 came into the room where her son was on the third 
 morning after his arrival, prepared for conflict. She 
 was a delicate, refined-looking woman, with very large, 
 light-blue eyes, emphasized by arched brows, which 
 she sent up in an aggrieved way almost to the roots of 
 her white hair as she took a rocking-chair, apparently 
 that she might make a virtue of sitting bolt upright in 
 it, and demanded imperiously an ansAver to certain 
 questions. " Is it possible, Job, that you mean that 
 horrid German creature, that eats with her knife and 
 is perfectly odious in every way, to stay here perma 
 nently ?" she said, after some talk between them. 
 
 " That's it, ma'am. You've hit the nail right on the 
 head. She'll stay here until the undertaker asks to seo 
 heron a little ' matter of business ; and I shall expect 
 everybody in this house to treat her with politeness 
 and respect," he replied.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 123 
 
 " I'll have nothing to do with her, nothing what 
 ever," she snapped. " How many more foreigners are 
 you going to take upon yourself to support, pray ?" 
 
 " I can't say, really. I ain't an emigration-agent, 
 exactly, no fellow can be who wouldn't rather tell a 
 lie on credit than the truth for cash, but I rather like 
 founding a house for indignant females as far as I've 
 got. It keeps things moving along lively. Look here, 
 mother : don't let's have any more of this. You've got 
 all you want, haven't you ? If you haven't, you know 
 very well you can have it quick enough. What do you 
 want to go pounding the saw-dust out of that old 
 Dutch doll for ? Live and let live." 
 
 " You mean that you are going to keep her ?" 
 
 " Yes. She is here, and here she is going to stay. 
 And, mind, she's got to be treated right ; and that's all 
 about it." 
 
 " Well, my son, far be it from me to dictate, or even 
 advise, any course of conduct to any "one in this house. 
 Only, I'll not stay here any longer. I'll go to my 
 brother John's, where, if I am to be overrun at all, it 
 will not be by foreigners and paupers. And mark my 
 words : you'll fail in business yet fooling your money 
 away as you do, and buying " 
 
 " You mean my uncle John's ?" 
 
 " Yes, of course." 
 
 " Well, I didn't know. You seemed to lay so much 
 strens on his being your brother, I thought perhaps 
 there was some mistake. Now, here is the way that 
 is : You know I am more than glad to have you stay 
 with me as long as you find it agreeable, mother ; but if 
 you would rather be wi^h your brother John of course f
 
 124 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 won't interfere. My object is to make you as happy 
 and as comfortable as I can. "When would you like to 
 go?" 
 
 Here was a dilemma out of which there was but one 
 way, and that a way Mrs. Ketchum was not disposed 
 to take just then; so she said, "To-morrow," very 
 haughtily and huffily, and left the room. "Whereupon 
 her son wore his shrewdest smile, being privately con 
 vinced that she would either not go at all, or, going, 
 would remain a very short time indeed. 
 
 At the same time, in another part of the house, 
 Mrs. Vane was taking her daughter very roundly to 
 task about the same thing. She was a large, florid 
 woman, who, in order to give effect to the position she 
 took up as martyr, on such occasions was wont to put 
 on her dressing-gown, tie a handkerchief around hei 
 forehead, and, vinaigrette in hand, approach the griev 
 ance of the moment, whatever it might be, warding off 
 every return-blow in the discussion by pathetic allu 
 sions to her " poor head" (which never ached so badly 
 as to prevent the fullest expression of her own views 
 and sentiments), and retiring when utterly worsted 
 behind a huge miniature-brooch of her husband, than 
 which no warrior ever had a more effective shield. 
 
 " "What is this most extraordinary news," she began, 
 "that I hear from the servants the servants, mark 
 you about that foolish, half-witted old body, Frawlein 
 Schmidt?" 
 
 " What do you mean, mamma ?" 
 
 " That she is regularly unpacked, and calls this her 
 ' so beautiful home.' Weak as you are, you never can 
 have asked her to stay here for any length of time.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 125 
 
 And what duplicity to keep from me the fact that she 
 was coming!" 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum explained her husband's wishes and 
 views, and Mrs. Vane burst out afresh : 
 
 " I never heard such a mad idea in my life ! You 
 should really see a doctor about your husband without 
 his knowledge. Keep her for life I A creature that has 
 no more claim upon him than any other beggar in the 
 street ! And do you mean to say that you have given 
 in to the arrangement ?" 
 
 " Would you have me oppose my husband, mamma, 
 and anger him without just cause ?" 
 
 " You have cause enough, I should think. The mad 
 dest idea ! Pray, are there no hospitals or asylums in 
 America, that gentlemen's houses are to be turned into 
 such ? Assert yourself, Mabel, assert yourself, and 
 send the woman away this very day when Mr. Ket 
 chum is gone to his shop, or office, or whatever he calls 
 it." 
 
 " I cannot, mamma ; and I would not do anything so 
 wrong, if I could. How can you wish me to displease 
 or deceive my husband ?" 
 
 " No gentleman would ask such a thing of his wife." 
 
 " Mamma ! How dare you ! I will not allow will 
 not tolerate" 
 
 " Mabel ! This to your widowed mother I "What 
 would your dear papa say if he could hear you ?" (point 
 ing impressively to her brooch.) 
 
 " I beg your pardon, mamma. I did not mean to 
 speak rudely or forget the respect due you ; but you 
 must not, you must not, mamma, say such cruel things 
 of my dear husband. He is the best of men, the kindest, 
 
 11*
 
 126 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 the most indulgent, the most delicate in all his dealings 
 with me, and forgive me for saying so with y.ou, and 
 with everybody. I brought husband nothing, as you 
 know, mamma. I have no right to object to his asking 
 anybody that he sees fit to his house for as long a time 
 as he deems best. Everything here is his, to do as he 
 pleases with. Not that he would have Fraulein here if 
 I objected. But I don't object. I wish whatever he 
 wishes. I am quite willing to be guided by him in 
 everything. And it certainly is not a proper thing for 
 you to object, you, to whom he has been more generous 
 and considerate than any English son we have ever 
 known, you, whose every wish has been consulted, for 
 whom every luxury has been provided, whose allowance 
 is larger than that of any duke's daughter at home, and 
 who owe everything to the man-who you say is not a 
 gentleman. Not a gentleman, indeed ! Oh, oh, oh, oh, 
 mamma ! oh, oh !" 
 
 Mabel had probably never spoken with anything like 
 the same energy and boldness in her whole life ; but the 
 fire of indignant eloquence was soon quenched in tears. 
 
 " My poor head !" murmured Mrs. Yane, and applied 
 her vinaigrette first to one nostril and then to the other ; 
 but her daughter was wounded to the heart and was 
 wholly unmoved by her terrific sufferings. Indeed, she 
 sobbed so violently as quite to alarm the mother, who 
 had always seen her quiet and self-controlled. " My 
 dearest child ! My own love ! You must not excite 
 yourself so about nothing. You must really be calm," 
 she said. " I have said nothing to put you about so. 
 I don't deny that Mr. Kctchum is a most worthy man, 
 at excellent man "
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 127 
 
 " Go away, mamma, I beg, and leave me to my? elf." 
 
 " That's right, love ; lie down for a while until you 
 are more composed. You are getting as nervous as the 
 American women, really. Dawkins shall bring you a 
 cup of tea." 
 
 " I wish nothing, except to be left alone," Mrs. Ket- 
 chum maintained, in a choked voice. 
 
 " What ! Am I to consider myself ordered from the 
 room ?" called out Mrs. Vane tragically. " Very well. 
 So be it. I leave not only this room, but this house. 
 I am going home. But remember, ungrateful, wicked 
 daughter that you are, you have a child!" 
 
 With these mysterious and threatening words Mrs. 
 Vane stalked out of the room, all offended majesty, 
 unopposed and unrecalled. 
 
 Is it necessary to say that, in spite of these stormy 
 passages between certain members of the Ketchum 
 household and the distinct declarations of war and 
 choice of exile made by both mothers, Mrs. Ketchum 
 senior's " brother John" had no demand made upon him 
 for hospitality or protection, and Mrs. Vane's passage to 
 England was not secured in any steamer whatever ? 
 
 That very night Mabel found a deeply-affectionate, 
 remonstrant, apologetic note from her mother pinned 
 to her dressing-table. It was a fad of that lady's to 
 address numbers of such to her about anything and 
 everything, although they were under the same roof, 
 and she was doubtless glad to have such a topic to dis 
 cuss at length with the fatal fluency, the profusion of 
 adjectives, the scarcity of ideas, and the utter absence 
 of punctuation that characterized her style. Mabel 
 read the production with a serious face, as of one per-
 
 128 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 forming a disagreeable duty, and it took so long that 
 her husband asked who her correspondent was. 
 
 On being told he laughed gleefully, and, as he kicked 
 off a boot, said, "What the mischief is she always 
 writing to you for, when she sees you all day long and 
 can say anything she wants to? Lord, how she must 
 love it 1 It's my belief that she makes pot-hooks and 
 hangers on the slate, now, and sends them to the young 
 one in his cradle ; and how she is ever going to recon 
 cile her mind to dying and going out of this world, 
 knowing that she can't write back and tell all her rela 
 tions and friends and acquaintances what it's like in the 
 other one, I can't imagine. I hope it won't rile you for 
 me to say so, but your mother's letters always remind 
 me of old Peck's sermons, Daisy. I took you to hear- 
 him once, in Tecumseh, you remember. You never know 
 where you are, and there is no stop in 'em. It's ' firstly,' 
 and ' secondly,' and ' thirdty, my brethren,' and ' whereas,' 
 and ' moreover,' and ' in this connection,' and ' again,' and 
 'nevertheless,' and 'now,' and 'lastly,' and 'again,' and 
 ' to sum up,' and ' again,' and ' in conclusion ;' and you 
 ain't done then for twenty minutes or safe until you 
 hear the Doxology. What's all that about, anyway ?" 
 
 Mabel gave him a moderate and medicated account of 
 the interview she had had with her mother, and he 
 listened with much interest. 
 
 " Why, my moth'er took off her collar and let herself 
 loose to-day on the same subject," he said ; " but she saw 
 it was no use, and knocked under this afternoon, finding 
 that I was bent and determined on having Frawlein's 
 plank in the platform, no matter who bolted. Women 
 arc mortal queer, savin' your ladyship's prfisence, any-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 129 
 
 way. When I was sowing enough wild oats for ten, ma 
 was as good and kind to me as if I had been all the 
 twelve apostles instead of only one, and that the wrong 
 one. She never blamed me nor reproached me ; she 
 didn't even sit up for me and weep over me, but just 
 loved me right along through the whole thing and waited 
 for me to come to my senses. But now that I am a good 
 little boy, comparatively, with a pocket full of Sunday- 
 school tickets from my teacher, she finds fault with 
 pretty nearly everything I do, it seems to me. Well, 
 now that the fire is out and the engines have gone 
 home, I hope we'll have peace ; but it isn't going to bo 
 peace on any terms, I can tell you." 
 
 When Mabel awoke next morning she detected Daw- 
 kins, her mother's maid, in the very -act of fastening 
 another note to her pin-cushion, an unconditional 
 surrender this time. 
 
 But all the same Mr. Ketchum had only won one of 
 the victories which are worse than a defeat. The char 
 acter alone of the warfare was changed, and from hav 
 ing been deadly enemies the mothers became allies 
 welded together by a common prejudice, intent upon 
 defeating a common enemy. The new system was so 
 subtle, so ingenious, and, above all, so thoroughly femi 
 nine that it worked to a charm for some time, under 
 Mr. Ketchum's very eye and superintendence, as it 
 were. Poor old Schmidt was sent to Coventry, was 
 snubbed, was beaten with many rods, all small ones, 
 was cuffed and collared morally twenty times a day, if 
 such violent terms can apply to buffetings and assaults 
 to which she offered no more resistance than if she had 
 been the softest of feather pillows. She dearly loved
 
 130 OAT BOTH SIDES. 
 
 to go to her room and read her Jean Paul or Klopstoctc 
 or Goethe until some time after midnight, but, being 
 forbidden to do so, meekly extinguished the gas in her 
 room at nine o'clock and made no complaint. She tried 
 to train some ivy that she had brought with her inside 
 the sill of her window, near which she was wont to sit 
 with her sewing ; but when the allies declared that it 
 would inevitably attract spiders and earwigs, and swept 
 it all away, she submitted without a word. At table 
 the allies never offered her anything, took her seat 
 whenever it suited their convenience, without apology, 
 and took great pains to show her that they considered 
 her conversationally a non-combatant and socially an 
 inferior. Of some of these petty persecutions Mabel 
 was ignorant ; to others she closed her eyes as the least 
 of two evils. At last, one day, Mrs. Vane, emboldened 
 by what she thought her son-in-law's obtuseness, pushed 
 rudely past poor Fraulein as they entered the dining- 
 room and seated herself in that lady's chair at the 
 breakfast-table, waving her hand to Fraulein, and say 
 ing, " You can go down there somewhere anywhere." 
 
 Fraulein obeyed : she would have sat under the table, 
 had she been ordered to do so, quite without remon 
 strance. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum's eye followed her. " Isn't that Fraw- 
 lein's seat that you have taken by mistake ?" he asked 
 of Mrs. Yane. 
 
 "Yes; but that don't matter," she replied. "She'll 
 do where she is." 
 
 " I disagree with you. I must ask you to take youi 
 own, and to keep it in future," he said, with more 
 lignity than she had ever seen in him.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 131 
 
 " Don' move, I beg, I bray," pleaded Fraulein, much 
 alarmed by the domestic situation. 
 
 " Do you mean to say that you give a governess pre 
 cedence over me f" Mrs. Vane indignantly demanded 
 of her son-in-law. 
 
 " Who's talking of precedence, madam ? I mean you 
 to be polite in my house to my guests. That's what I 
 mean," said Mr. Ketchum, in a low, distinct voice, and 
 said no more. 
 
 Mrs. Vane did not rage, did not weep, did not quit 
 the table. She, to the amazement of her ally, the con 
 sternation of Fraulein Schmidt, and the surprise of her 
 own daughter, said, " I beg your pardon. I have been 
 rude. I am in the wrong," and went to her own place, 
 a conquered woman. 
 
 " Precedence, indeed ! I'll see whether Frawlein 
 Schmidt is ever again insulted in my house, as I know 
 she has been in more ways than one," said Mr. Ketchum 
 to his wife. 
 
 Next day when the dinner-bell rang, what should he 
 do but march up to poor old Schmidt, offer her his arm, 
 take her in to dinner, put her on his right hand, and 
 help her first to all that was furnished forth on his 
 mahogany ! Nor was this a mere caprice. He made it 
 an invariable rule henceforth, no matter who Came to 
 the house, and was neither to be reasoned, coaxed, nor 
 ridiculed out of it, to the end of the chapter. It was 
 his idea of precedence ; and, although it was not that 
 of Debrett or the " Almanach do Gotha," we get more 
 than a hint of it in a much older work, the Book of 
 Books. 
 
 Fraulein Schmidt after this enjcyed all her privileges,
 
 132 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 rights, and immunities. She had a studout-lamp, for 
 one thing, and flowers in all her windows, and a cat, 
 and a canary, and the pleasure of darning and mending 
 her benefactor's clothes, the last being a luxury that 
 she insisted on. Terrified at first to find herself so con 
 spicuously distinguished by Mr. Ketchum, she soon 
 grew accustomed to it, and dwelt securely and happily 
 in that best of all asylums, a good man's home. As foi 
 the mothers, if they were away when this story opened 
 it was entirely due to their wish to see Niagara, a 
 satisfaction that Mr. Ketchum was willing to give them, 
 if only to mark his approbation of the angelic behavior 
 that followed and flowed from the stand he had taken 
 about a certain guest. 
 
 II. 
 
 MR. KETCHUM was somewhat mistaken in the calcula 
 tions he had made as to the probable time the " Britannia" 
 would take to reach New York. That steamer, with 
 his friends and friends' friends on board, to say nothing 
 of other passengers in whom he felt no interest, was 
 off Bedloe's Island a good ten hours earlier than he 
 had supposed possible, to the distraction of a certain 
 florist who had been ordered by telegraph to send off 
 " the finest basket of roses to be had in New York" by 
 the pilot-boat, to greet the strangers before they had so 
 much as set foot on American soil. Interpreting his in 
 structions liberally, this artist had taken groat pains to
 
 ON -THIS SIDE 133 
 
 prepare one of the chefs-d'oeuvre on which he prided 
 himself, an enormous wire structure full of hot-house 
 beauties, with a parasol of maiden-hair and rose-buds 
 suspended above it, the whole requiring the best efforts 
 of two able-bodied seamen to deposit it in the cabin of 
 the " Britannia." There it was much admired by the pas 
 sengers while the steward hurried away in search of a 
 certain gentleman, who presently came back with him, 
 a somewhat elderly, squarely-built, stout man, with 
 iron-gray side-whiskers, dressed in a pepper-and-salt 
 travelling-suit, having a field-glass slung across his 
 ample chest, wearing a cork helmet that he removed 
 as he descended the gangway smoking a brier-root pipe, 
 which disappeared about the same time in one of his 
 pockets, and diffusing a genial air of good feeling and 
 high living, breeding, and fashion, in short, Sir Robert 
 Heathcote. 
 
 If this gentleman had in an eminent degree the inde 
 finable everything that announces to the looker-on, not 
 only of Yienna, but from Dan to Beersheba, an Eng 
 lishman, and to a practised eye can no more be counter 
 feited than the flavor of oyster or olive to the cultivated 
 palate, the two young men accompanying him may be 
 said to have fairly reeked of Bond Street, St. James, 
 Kensington Gardens, Pall Mall, the G-uards' Club, Tatter- 
 sail's, Lord's, any and all resorts where English men- 
 about-town are wont to congregate. Both were tall, 
 both handsome, but the good looks of Mr. Heathcote 
 (Sir Robert's nephew) were of the dark, worn, and dis 
 sipated order, while his friend Mr. Hugh Ramsay was a 
 young Adonis of five-and-twenty, such as is frequently 
 to be seen in London parks, of average brains and 
 
 12
 
 134 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 baroly respectable attainments, a model of manly 
 beauty, simple and honorable in character, modestly 
 self-reliant in manner, rosy as any girl, with a girl's 
 trick of blushing, and a voice which it is no exaggera 
 tion to call delicious, the sort of man that always 
 looks and seems about to be charming, yet really says 
 little and does less to justify the fervid liking he is apt 
 to inspire in the breasts of most women, and a good 
 many men, almost at sight. 
 
 He approached the table now and fell into one of his 
 usual graceful attitudes as easily as a kitten or a child 
 might have done, and, though it would not seem diffi 
 cult of accomplishment to sit on the arm of an easy- 
 chair, holding a Scotch cap in the right hand, while the 
 left arm describes a curve that enables a shapely hand 
 (well cared for and adorned by a handsome cat's-eye 
 ring) to rest lightly on the left hip, another man would 
 have found it an impossible feat after a month of pos 
 turing and posing, at least so far as achieving the same 
 result is concerned. Mr. Eamsay had a great and hap 
 pily unconscious gift for attitudes, and did the simplest 
 things in an especial and incomparable manner of his 
 own. He did not even take a seat like other men; 
 while his manner of rolling his umbrella or drawing on 
 his gloves had all the effect of a new idea, and seemed 
 an exhibition as original as it was attractive, not in the 
 least a matter of course. 
 
 The florist had disappeared by this time, but a card 
 dangled from the handle of the pretty parasol which 
 said all that was necessary, and, having examined it, 
 Sir Eobert looked with some interest at the flowers, and 
 said, " Very friendly of Kotohum, upon my word I Very
 
 ON THIS SJDE. 135 
 
 friendly indeed ! He is the man I was telling you of 
 this morning, Eamsay, that lived out here, in the 
 Western part. A very good fellow ; an original : one 
 doesn't meet his like every day. In trade, of course, 
 but not in the least like our Brummagem fellows. Just 
 so ! We must have the ladies out to see these/' 
 
 " The beggar must have pots of money, to throw it 
 away like this," said Mr. Eamsay, half enviously. 
 
 Looking around for a servant to take a message, Sir 
 Eobert saw the unctuous steward bearing down upon 
 him with another large bouquet, less elaborate than 
 Mr. Ketchum's, but also beautiful. 
 
 " If you please, sir, this has just been left by a per 
 son," said the man, with a fatuous air of personal grati 
 fication. 
 
 Sir Robert, without a word, looked at the card at 
 tached, which was glazed and had written on it, in 
 fashionable-boarding-school characters, " For the ladies 
 of Sir Eobert Heathcote Baronet's party," and under 
 neath, " From Miss Bijou Brown." 
 
 " This is from a Miss Brown, some friend of Ketchum's, 
 I dare say," he said, with an amused but genial smile. 
 " Very kind, I am sure. Let the ladies know that I 
 wish to see them here" (turning to the steward). 
 
 "The plot thickens!" exclaimed young Eamsay. 
 " There will be a third presently, for that chap and 
 myself" (nodding toward Mr. Heathcote, who was lean 
 ing languidly against the wall, an impassive witness of 
 what was going on). "A lyre, most likely. Do they 
 do this sort of thing often over here?" 
 
 " Can't say, really," replied Mr. Heathcote. " Never 
 baen here before. I should like to land at least before
 
 136 O^r BOTH SIDES 
 
 setting myself up as an authority on American customs, 
 though I know a chap that wrote a book about it with 
 out ever leaving his rectory in Dorset, not half a bad 
 book, either, giving the Americans what they would 
 call ' particular all-fired fits.' " 
 
 Mr. H^athcote said this with the air of a man who is 
 being witty and knows it. He considered himself an 
 authority on American slang, though he had just dis 
 claimed any knowledge of American customs, and was 
 in the habit of using it a good deal (with a certain ele 
 phantine clumsiness and dislocation of terms) at his 
 club, where it met with hearty uncritical appreciation, 
 as well as in many drawing-rooms, where mothers with 
 marriageable daughters were apt to be convulsed as by 
 a second Talleyrand, called him " a clever, satirical, 
 malicious creature," and told him that he ought to be 
 ashamed to make those poor Americans so ridiculous. 
 Mr. Eamsay laughed now, having always had an infatu 
 ated admiration for what ho called " Heathcote's Far- 
 Western expressions," and, having exhausted this sen 
 sation, consulted his watch, saying, "How goes the 
 enemy ? I must toddle. I've got some things to put 
 up. Oh, I beg pardon !" 
 
 This last was addressed to a young girl against whom 
 he had jostled in turning round, one of the ladies of 
 his party, who was closely followed by the other two. 
 
 " What lovely nosegays ! Where did they come from, 
 Ethel dear ?" asked the eldest of the trip, the Honorable 
 Augusta Noel, an elderly gentlewoman of charming 
 appearance and dignified bearing. 
 
 " Dear ! dear ! I had no idea there were such roses 
 in America !" exclaimed her friend Mrs. Arundel Sykes,
 
 0^ THIS SIDE. 137 
 
 in a deep chest-voice, that reverberated as if it had 
 come from a female bassoon, but was harsh in tone, 
 exaggeratedly English in its inflections, and distinctly 
 patronizing. " How very kiawrious ! And what au 
 extravagant profusion ! Whose are they ?" 
 
 " Yours, partly," said Sir Robert, and explained the 
 situation. 
 
 " Most civil and kind of them," commented the Hon 
 orable Augusta. " It is so very pleasant to be welcomed 
 like this to a foreign country." 
 
 "Yours were sent by Mabel Vane's husband, you 
 say ? They must have been grown under glass. What 
 does the man want of you? Depend upon it, he is 
 trying to make something out of you," said Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 "Not at all. You quite mistake him," replied Sir 
 Robert quickly. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes took up Miss Brown's card and inspected 
 it : " ' Miss Bijou Brown.' What an extraordinary com 
 bination ! And glazed ! And with that ' Baronet,' too. 
 Very queer indeed! And who is Miss Bijou Brown 
 when she is at home? And why should she be sending 
 us flowers ? I don't understand," she said. 
 
 "It is simple enough. She is a friend of the Ketch- 
 ums, no doubt, and, being here in New York, has sent 
 these out of politeness and regard for them. There is 
 nothing remarkable about it that I can see," said Sir 
 Robert, " except that it is remarkably civil." 
 
 " Oh, yes, to be sure. That is all very well. Only, 1 
 suppose we shall have to know her ; and that may be 
 awkward. I don't wish to know her, I'm sure," said 
 Mrs. Sykes, speaking with conviction, and thinking of 
 the card. (Mrs. Sykes would not have cared to know 
 
 12*
 
 138 ON BOTH SWES. 
 
 Joan of Arc or St. Paul had either used glazed paste 
 board, at leabt until they had received the hall-mark of 
 society in spite of the awful fact.) " "Well, well, we are 
 in America now, and I suppose it doesn't matter. We 
 must expect everything in the way of indiscriminate 
 association in a country where there are no class 
 distinctions." 
 
 " None ? Surely you exaggerate, do you not ?" asked 
 Miss Noel. 
 
 " Oh, not in the least, I ashore you," affirmed Mrs. 
 Sykes, with warmth. " I've read Miss Alcott's books, 
 and a lot of other American works, and they all tell the 
 same story. Not only do the gentry, or what we are 
 used to regard as such, visit the tradespeople, but if the 
 cook should develop a talent for music, or painting, or 
 anything of the kind, the family rejoice like the Biblical 
 female over the lost piece of money, send her abroad to 
 cultivate it at their expense, and seem quite charmed to 
 have her come home and marry the son of the house." 
 
 " Dear me ! How very dreadful ! I can't fancy it for 
 a moment! So very destructive of personal dignity, 
 and subversive of social order," said Miss Noel. "I 
 almost regret having brought Ethel." 
 
 "Pooh! stuff! Ethel is all right," said Sir Eobert. 
 " You don't suppose I am going to have Tom, Dick, and 
 Harry introduced to my niece ! I shall be the judge of 
 all that. To be sure, it is rather difficult to place them. 
 I have known numbers of them, and the only thing I 
 have learned is that, as a general rule, it is safest to 
 avoid officials. They must hold titles in republican 
 contempt, to judge from some of the people they bestow 
 them upon. The most vulgar fellow I ever knew in all
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 139 
 
 my life was their minister to Karlsbaten, and one of the 
 most delightful was a man I met out in Egypt, a most 
 accomplished, clever, gentlemanly fellow, a dentist. 
 Just so ! But all the same, depend upon it, they have 
 their share of social distinctions : their society could not 
 hold together otherwise, and caste is one of the funda 
 mental natural laws of all society, whether it rests on 
 an aristocratic, plutocratic, bureaucratic, or simply 
 inherent foundation. However, my rule is to take 
 people as I find them, and among fifty millions of people 
 I should think it would be quite possible for us to find 
 some who are our equals, perhaps a few who are even 
 our superiors." 
 
 " Oh, really !" said Mrs. Sykes, in scornful dissent, 
 and had no time to say more, for there now came up to 
 her certain fellow-passengers a Mrs. "Washington Hitch 
 cock and her two daughters intent upon making their 
 adieux and final compliments. This was accomplished 
 on their part with grace and warmth, and met with a 
 civil response from the Horfbrable Augusta, a neutral 
 one from Ethel Heathcote, who, in the face of recent 
 disclosures, dared not give expression to the wish she 
 had formed to know more of the new acquaintances, 
 and a distinctly haughty and repressive one from Mrs. 
 Sykes, who thought it one thing to know people at sea 
 and quite another thing to know them on land. 
 
 Friendliness with her was a fluid condition of mind 
 and manner, adapted to ocean and watering-place life, 
 but apt to form into a thick deposit of ice across which 
 she skated to terra firma at the close of a voyage or 
 season, leaving rueful or indignant acquaintances to 
 think what they pleased. She now made it so clear
 
 140 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 that she considered her relations with the Hitchcocks 
 to have been of this temporary character that those 
 ladies bowed themselves stiffly off the scene. Ethel 
 hastened after the girls and shook hands again, mur 
 mured something about the pleasure she had had 
 with them, and " the awfully jolly voyage," and also 
 expressed a hope that they might meet " somewhere" 
 again, blushing a good deal while she made this atone 
 ment, and feeling extremely uncomfortable. 
 
 Her aunt took Mrs. Sykes to task as follows : " Surely, 
 Georgina, it was not necessary for you to be so well, 
 positive. I fear you have given offence. And you 
 know Mrs. Hitchcock kindly gave up her cabin to you 
 when she found- it was making you so ill to be near the 
 screw, besides showing us other civilities. Eeally, I 
 feel concerned that you should have repulsed her as you 
 did." 
 
 " Oh, never fear. That kind of people who dress up 
 to the nines and wear their diamonds when they travel, 
 are in the habit of putting out small attentions at 
 interest and quite used to the cold shoulder in return. 
 They are accustomed to being sat upon. They like it, 
 expect it, thrive upon it, I assure you. It is the only 
 way to deal with them," replied Mrs. Sykes coolly. " I 
 met two families at Scarborough last year that I did 
 not care to keep up with afterward, though they 
 amused me at the time, so I cut them all dead in the 
 Park a month ago. But they didn't mind it in the least, 
 with the exception of one daughter, a red-haired dowdy 
 of a girl with whom I had been rather intimate in a 
 way. She was perfectly furious" (Mrs. Sykes called it 
 '* fiawrious' ) ; " but the others, on the contrary, bowed
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 141 
 
 most graciously to ine after that at the opera, and told 
 a friend of mine that I was the most delightful woman 
 they had ever met. I should never have taken them 
 up but that I got the use of a drawing-room facing the 
 sea out of them without its costing me a penny, and I 
 knew I could drop them whenever I liked. A vulgar 
 lot, of whom I am well rid." 
 
 " You surprise me," said her companion, though 
 " disgust" would have better expressed her meaning. 
 "But the Hitchcocks are not at all vulgar, a little 
 over-dressed perhaps, but not more so than a good many 
 people in the highest society at home. I can't think 
 why they wear their diamonds in the daytime. It is 
 such an extraordinary thing to do." 
 
 Sir Robert, who had walked away at the beginning 
 of \he conversation, now came back again to ask if 
 they were quite ready to land, and the two ladies, 
 remembering a number of last things that required 
 their attention, retired to their cabins again, where 
 Mrs. Sykes's deep voice might have been heard giving 
 explicit directions about her "darling Bobo," a Dandie 
 Dinmont about which she gave herself endless concern, 
 and for which she felt apparently all the fondness that 
 the most doting parent could lavish on a favorite child. 
 Mrs. Sykes had once been a mother, but always a 
 devotee to dogs, and, when people complimented her 
 upon the appearance of her little daughter during the 
 brief stay it made in a world of woe, she was wont to 
 reply, " My baby is all very well, of course" (tepidly) ; 
 " but" (with enthusiasm) " you should see my dog ! 
 He has got no nose at all !" 
 
 Perhaps it may bo well to take this opportunity of
 
 142 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 saying that Mrs. Sykes was a middle-aged widow of 
 ample fortune and aristocratic connections, who be 
 longed to the genus lately and accurately defined as 
 "globe-trotter;" an aggressively clever, well-informed 
 woman, an insatiably curious woman, who yet travelled 
 all over the world that she might enjoy the eclat of 
 having seen and done everything and been everywhere 
 rather than for any pleasure it gave her, unless indeed 
 it was a pleasure to assure herself (and everybody else) 
 that there was " no place like England ;" a woman 
 coarse of nature, destitute of tact, and profoundly sel 
 fish, who could make herself very agreeable or perfectly 
 insufferable, just as she saw fit. Eeturning from Si am 
 three months before Sir Robert planned his tour in 
 America, and hearing that he meant to take with him 
 his niece and nephew and their maternal aunt, ;the 
 Honorable Augusta Noel, she skilfully fastened herself 
 on the party, knowing from experience that it was cer 
 tainly less expensive and might prove more agreeable 
 to travel in that way than alone, and stating frankly 
 that she had to do America, everybody was doing 
 America, and she had best get it over and done 
 with. 
 
 Another addition was made to the party later, in the 
 person of Mr. Hugh Malcom Farquharson Milman 
 Ramsay, the younger son of a younger son, who, grow 
 ing tired of supporting this wealth of title and its 
 possessor on the salary of a Foreign-Office clerk, had 
 conceived the idea of making a future for himself in 
 America, where, although he knew nothing whatever 
 of business and had the habits and tastes of a man with 
 thirty thousand a year rather than eighty, he had
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 143 
 
 mapped out for himself an abnormally successful and 
 brilliant career. 
 
 " I give myself five years in which to make a million 
 and come back to England," he said to young Heathcote. 
 
 " How are you going to do it ?" his friend inquired. 
 
 " Oh, in mines and things," explained the sanguine 
 innocent. " You watch your chance and put in a little 
 capital out there, and before you know where you are 
 you find yourself rolling in money. I have been read 
 ing a lot about it lately. You strike a vein, don't you 
 see, or a railroad comes along, and there you are. Not 
 that I mean to live in America, I can tell you. When 
 high tide comes, I'll sell out and put every shillin' of it 
 in the Bank of England, and come home and turn coun 
 try gentleman, and marry, and all that." 
 
 In this easy and agreeable fashion did Mr. Ramsay 
 lay up much wealth for himself in imagination and pre 
 pare to eat, drink, and be merry, not knowing what 
 would be required of him in the way of knowledge, 
 capacity, and energy in order to earn so much as one 
 trade dollar making up in piety the weight it lacks in 
 silver. Acting on this belief, he drew out of the funds 
 his entire fortune, consisting of a thousand pounds left 
 him by a maiden aunt, and with immense eagerness and 
 delight set himself to take the plunge he had determined 
 upon, ordered fourteen suits of clothes of Poole, bought 
 the newest and best gun, the most ingeniously jointed 
 and reeled fishing-rod, the most gorgeous dressing-case 
 to be found in London, not to mention equipments for 
 twelve horses, a great bundle of canes and umbrellas, 
 a case of pistols, a travelling-clock, despatch-boxes, 
 Cockle's pills. Pears' soap, Lubin's " White Rose," eau
 
 144 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 de Cologne, and a thousand other things suggested in 
 " Bell's Life" by army-men who had been stationed in 
 Canada, by friends who had " done the States," and by 
 the general public, with something less than fifty pairs 
 of shoes, boots, gaiters, slippers, tennis- and racquet- 
 Oxfords, and the trees to keep them in shape ; all of 
 which he regarded as essentials for the intending colo 
 nist which it was unlikely he could procure in America 
 " anything like so good, if at all." 
 
 To purchase all these things and have them packed 
 under his own eye, to pick up his rifle and, shutting one 
 eye, aim at an imaginary buffalo in full gallop, and drop 
 it again with a click of the tongue and a radiant ex 
 pression betokening sated ambition and intoxicating 
 victory, to set up his rod and give it a dexterous whirl 
 worthy of Izaak Walton, that sent his fly into the far 
 thest corner of the hall adjoining his bedroom at his 
 London lodgings, and draw in an enormous mountain- 
 trout from California, to examine every buckle arid strap 
 of his saddle and fancy himself careering across the 
 prairies on a wild mustang in pursuit of some sort of 
 game, was the keenest pleasure this enthusiastic sports 
 man had ever known or was likely to know. He told 
 all his acquaintances, with an awkward shamefacedness 
 that betrayed his satisfaction, how tired he had grown 
 of England, which was always the same old two-and- 
 six, and how he meant to " cut it" and go out to the 
 backwoods of America. He also continued to buy this 
 or that up to the last moment and to give the tradesmen 
 very particular instructions about furnishing articles 
 adapted to his great purpose. Altogether he contrived 
 to get a great amount of satisfaction out of the journey
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 145 
 
 before it began at all, and when he got on board the 
 " Britannia" was able to boast with good reason that, 
 from his tent and his portable shower-bath to his English 
 breakfast-tea and a sovereign's worth of gold-beaters' 
 skin, nothing had been forgotten. "While the others had 
 not given individually such scope to their desires or 
 taken such comprehensive views of the situation, all of 
 them had brought about five times more stuif than there 
 \vas any necessity for, unless, indeed, they had been 
 going into the heart of Africa for an indefinite period ; 
 and the collective total was so various and extensive 
 that Sir Robert felt called upon to make some sort of 
 apology for it to the custom-house authorities in New 
 York. Those officials were still peering dubiously at 
 the Ward case for plants of Mrs. Sykes and the com 
 plete photographic apparatus of Mr. Heathcote, when 
 a gentleman came up to Sir Robert and introduced him 
 self as Mr. Brown, explained that he had been asked 
 by his friend Mr. Ketchum to make their acquaintance, 
 shook hands formally with the three men, bowed gravely 
 to the ladies, and made some polite inquiries about their 
 trip. This gave them time to observe that Mr. Brown 
 had an air of spotless-cambric respectability and a 
 family-prayers voice, was very well and very quietly 
 dressed, and had a dignified cordiality of manner that 
 was admirable. 
 
 " My carriage is waiting to take you to your hotel," 
 he said, when the last chalk-mark had been scrawled on 
 the last trunk. " There it is" (waving his hand toward 
 where a handsome carriage was standing, drawn by a 
 beautiful pair of Kentuckian thoroughbreds). 
 
 Sir Robert looked inquiringly at the ladies, and Mrs. 
 Q k 13
 
 146 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Sykes, ever eager to save a sixpence, came forwarft 
 graciously, saying, " We shall be very pleased to avail 
 ourselves of your kindness, I am shore. Miss Noel ? 
 Ethel ?" 
 
 Those ladies were close behind her, and with Parsons, 
 a prim elderly maid of indescribable stoniness. boni- 
 uess, and efficiency, now followed Mrs. Sykes's lead, and 
 were assisted into the landau. Mr. Brown, when they 
 had rolled away, told Sir Eobert that ho would call very 
 soon, pleaded a business-engagement, and called a cab. 
 Before getting into it he put his carriage at Sir Eobert's 
 disposal and that of his party during their stay in New 
 York, without either ostentation or Orientalism, in all 
 simplicity and sincerity, and so was driven rapidly off 
 on his own errands. The three Englishmen followed 
 him in another cab, and as they peered out curiously at 
 the unfamiliar streets through which they were passing, 
 Sir Robert said, " Mr. Brown is a man of ability, I should 
 judge. Fine head. Remarkable frontal development. 
 I observed him with interest. I wonder if his is the na 
 tional type. There must be a national type, you know. 
 Stimson had a paper in the ' Fortnightly' lately in sup 
 port of his theory that the Americans are rapidly re 
 verting to, or rather assuming, the aboriginal type, 
 high cheek-bones, coarse hair, and so on ; but all the 
 same I shall trust only to the results of personal obser 
 vation and maintain an independent judgment mean 
 while. Yery curious and interesting speculation, is it 
 not, how far a race can be affected by climatic conditions, 
 diet, and all that ? Attractive man Brown, very. And 
 extremely civil of him, I must say, to offer his trap for 
 our use."
 
 OiV THIS SIDE. 147 
 
 " A fellow with horses like those at home would 
 hardly do as much for his own brother," replied Mr. 
 Heathcote. 
 
 Arrived at the hotel, chosen because it was the 
 hotel of the country and not kept on the European plan, 
 Sir Eobert faced that great American fountain of 
 absolute authority and irresponsible power, the clerk, 
 with the unconscious courage that animates a boy in 
 his first battle. He did not know the danger, and so 
 knew no fear, and had no idea of what he was doing, 
 when, after stating particularly that he wished a room 
 with a southern exposure and being assigned one with 
 a northern one, a fact ascertained by taking his bear 
 ings with a pocket compass as soon as he was installed, 
 he marched down-stairs and boldly rebuked the gor 
 geous young man with the solitaire pin who had 
 betrayed his confidence, and who, paralyzed perhaps 
 by such audacity, forgot to either threaten or command, 
 but called a servant and bade him "take that there 
 lord's things up to 36 from 24, and be quick about it, 
 too." 
 
 Sir Robert had not been long in his new quarters 
 when a telegram was brought to him from Mr. Ketchum, 
 which read as follows : 
 
 " Delighted to know that you are on the right side of 
 the pond at last. Would have run on to meet you if it 
 had been possible. String of the latch on the outside, 
 remember, now and always." 
 
 The next day's post brought letters also from Mr. and 
 Mrs. Ketchum urging the whole party to come " right 
 out to the West and make Raising their head-quarters 
 during their stay in the country." At least, this was
 
 148 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 what Mr. Kotchum wrote. His wife said that she 
 would be very pleased to receive them whenever they 
 might appoint a time, and suggested their taking a 
 "sleeper" from New York, besides giving them the 
 exact distance and a good deal of information about 
 the trains. 
 
 Established at the hotel, the various members of the 
 party proceeded to occupy or amuse themselves as best 
 suited their respective tastes and characters for a fort 
 night. Miss Noel went promptly to Trinity the first 
 afternoon, to return thanks for a safe voyage, after which 
 she came back and rested quietly in her room. Mrs. 
 Sykes, who was made of equal parts of steel and whale 
 bone and did not know the meaning of fatigue, bought 
 a guide-book (shop-worn, at a reduction), and, accom 
 panied by Parsons, tramped up and down Broadway 
 until tired of the full pulse of trade, when she took 
 the elevated road up town, honored with a rapid and 
 supercilious survey the Metropolitan Museum, asked 
 there what three churches were considered best worth 
 seeing in the city, tramped to each of them in succes 
 sion only to give a brief stare of detraction, and re 
 turned to the hotel satisfied, at least with herself. 
 
 " A narrow, dirty street," she reported of Broadway ; 
 " but the shops well supplied, at ruinous prices. I met 
 the Hitchcocks. "Wasn't it odd? And who do you 
 suppose was walking with them, and actually stopping 
 at the house? The Duke of Marlshire. I've seen him 
 often at home, and am not mistaken. I stopped and 
 told her we were here, but she was as haughty as Mrs. 
 Siddons, if you please. After that I went up to a mu 
 seum with a lot of stuff in it of one sort or other;
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 149 
 
 there wasn't time to see much, bui I got quite enough 
 of it ; and then I did a few churches, very tame and 
 uninteresting. How did you like Trinity, which I 
 believe is the crack church ? I was told to go there, 
 but didn't." 
 
 Miss Noel had liked Trinity, had thought "the ser 
 vice respectably conducted and the hymn-tunes pretty," 
 and had not found the changes in the ritual as numer 
 ous or startling as she had expected. 
 
 " Oh, my dear," Mrs. Sykes went on, " what do you 
 think that bouquet cost that Mabel's husband sent Sir 
 Robert ? I passed the shop on Broadway and recog 
 nized the name, which was peculiar, and thought I 
 would just ask. Fifty dollars! Ten pounds! Wan 
 there ever such a senseless piece of ostentation ! And, 
 talking of flowers, I noticed a most curious Yankee 
 fashion to-day. In the windows of a great many 
 houses that I passed there were huge bouquets flattened 
 against the panes, so as to be seen from the street and 
 impress the passers-by, I suppose. I had never seen 
 such a thing, so I stood stock-still at one place and 
 gazed rural-fashion, and pointed it out to Parsons with 
 my umbrella. And just then a lady came out of the 
 house, and I said, ' What's that for ? Can you tell me ? 
 Why do you make a vulgar show of the flowers you 
 get, instead of keeping them about your rooms for your 
 private enjoyment?' And, would you believe it? the 
 rude ci'eature walked off without a word. American 
 manners, I suppose." 
 
 In the hotel Mrs. Sykes certainly found ample food 
 for her peculiar order of intelligence, and made almost 
 hourly " returns," in election parlance, of all that was 
 
 13*
 
 150 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 happening around her to Miss Noel, who, being differ 
 ently constituted, did not enjoy the same advantages 
 for observing the singular people among whom she 
 found herself. " So very odd," Mrs. Sykes would say 
 in her throaty, strident tones, and laughing her guttural 
 laugh. " There are five women in one of the ' parlors,' 
 seated in five rocking-chairs, and they have been plung 
 ing backwards and forwards without intermission for 
 the last two hours like mad women, trying to find some 
 vent for their nervousness, and not one of them usefully 
 employed. I saw it myself. The door was ajar, and I 
 caught a sight of three of them, and I pushed it open 
 a little to get a better view, and found two more doing 
 the same thing. The woman I noticed at dinner, the 
 one in yellow satin and point-lace and diamonds, of 
 course (as far as I can see, every other woman in New 
 York wears a black silk and solitaire ear-rings, even in 
 the tramway, but this creature's dress was a satin mer- 
 veilleux of the best quality), well, my dear, that woman, 
 arrayed as a duchess might be for a garden-party at Marl- 
 borough House, is the wife of a draper's clerk, and gets 
 herself up like that everyday for a four-o'clock dinner 
 at the tqble-d'hote. I expected- to hear that she was 
 some great personage, the wife of a cabinet officer, or 
 something of the sort. A draper's clerk ! Fancy the 
 wife of the floor-walker at Whiteley's or Marshal & 
 Snelgrove's going on like that." 
 
 " Most likely a silly woman who puts everything on 
 her back and doesn't know how lacking in good taste 
 and good sense she is not to dress as becomes her sta 
 tion and lay by for a rainy day," was Miss Noel's placid 
 reply.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 151 
 
 But, if these and other things gave occasion for dis 
 approving or sarcastic comment on Mrs. Sykes's part, 
 there was at least one other that struck her in a more 
 favorable light. And this was the bill of fare. Sh 
 scanned it closely the first day, and ordered but a mod 
 erate share of the good things set forth, under the 
 impression that she was paying a certain sum for each 
 dish. But when the steward, sharply interrogated as 
 to the cost of each viand, explained the system on 
 which the hotel was managed and the great fact dawned 
 upon her that she could have anything and everything 
 on the menu without its costing her a penny more than 
 if she were to dine on pulse and water, a marked change 
 was observed in the lady. 
 
 " That is quite another thing," she very truly said ; 
 and now it took two experienced waiters to minister to 
 the widest range of gastronomic experiment that can 
 be imagined. Always blessed with an enormous appetite, 
 and feeling the opportunity a golden one, there was 
 scarcely a dish that she did not order at least once, and 
 certain expensive luxuries she was never without, while 
 in the matter of ices it must be confessed that letters 
 three can alone describe her conduct. She studied the 
 bill of fare, if possible, more earnestly than ever, though 
 with a different object in view, and has got a pile of 
 them now among her papers somewhere, mournful sou 
 venirs of a bright and beautiful past that will never 
 come again. 
 
 Sir Robert was likewise struck by this feature of 
 American hotel-life. 
 
 " I don't care for all the glare and glitter of this place, 
 and I can't see why they should fetch me a jug of iced
 
 152 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 water every time I ring my bell, but I certainly like the 
 American plan of paying a fixed sum for inn accommo 
 dation and no extras. The way I have been regularly 
 fleeced on the Continent with bougies alone is really a 
 scandal," he said. 
 
 All the party did the regulation sight-seeing, but Mrs. 
 Sykcs went at it with tireless, deathless energy, and 
 kept Mr. Brown's carriage dashing over the city morn 
 ing, noon, and night. It had been devoted to the ladies' 
 service, and Mrs. Sykes, who was the sort of woman 
 whom the French describe as maitresse femme, took it 
 upon herself to give all the orders in connection with it, 
 and used it so unsparingly that at last Miss Noel, after 
 many remonstrances to which no heed was paid, spoke 
 to Sir Robert about it. He gave Mrs. Sykes " the Eng 
 lish of the thing," which was that she had behaved 
 shamefully, and that he would not permit Mr. Brown's 
 kindness to be so grossly abused, so that the carriage 
 was dismissed at the end of five days, with a handsome 
 tip to the coachman and a note of apology and thanks 
 to his master. 
 
 Mr. Eamsay and Mr. Heathcote had a small adventure 
 that was amusing at the time and became a standing 
 joke with them in after-years. Going out to see the 
 town on the day of their arrival, they got over a great 
 deal of ground, made various sage reflections on what 
 they saw, and found themselves about noon a long way 
 from their hotel and decidedly hungry. Not long after 
 making this discovery, they came upon an inviting- 
 looking French restaurant and agreed to have luncheon 
 there. Both were extravagantly fond of oysters, and, 
 after some consultation, called the Alsatian attendant
 
 (Xtf THIS SIDE. 153 
 
 and ordered in good quatre-ving-sang French "sans 
 weeters" being, as they expressed it, " peckish, uncom 
 monly sharp-set," and feeling quite equal to the order. 
 They also asked persistently for Vale pale de Bass, think 
 ing thus to describe accurately their national beverage, 
 but, in spite of this handsome concession to his nation 
 ality, succeeded only in puzzling Alphonse thoroughly. 
 Finally that genius had an inspiration. " Ah I c'est de 
 la biere /" he exclaimed, and forthwith produced several 
 stubby bottles with the right trade-mark. They asked 
 for " biscuits," but for answer had a French loaf and 
 accompanying pats of butter furnished them, after 
 which Alphonse disappeared for so long that they were 
 about to make violent demonstrations of some sort, 
 when he returned, gravely bearing a huge tray contain 
 ing dishes full of enormous oysters, and followed by 
 other waiters bearing other trays loaded in the same 
 manner. The tiny room was quite blocked with them 
 finally, and the two young men first stared with all their 
 eyes, and, seeing at last the difference in size between 
 the English and American oyster, burst into a perfect 
 roar of laughter, in which they were joined by Alphonse 
 and his crew, who had simply thought the order another 
 evidence of English eccentricity. 
 
 I am afraid it cannot be denied that both of these 
 young men were bored by the Astor Library, which 
 they visited next day; but perhaps it was only that 
 they reserved their admiration for purely American in 
 stitutions. It is certain that they went into a bar-room 
 of the best class, and watched with keenest interest the 
 accomplished gentleman who brewed two different bev 
 erages at the same time, poured the contents of one
 
 154 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 glass into another at impossible distances, and described 
 a sherry-cobbler rainbow behind his back without spill 
 ing so much as a drop in the effort. Moreover, they 
 each bet a half-sovereign that they could imitate his 
 feats successfully, tried to do so, and failed. Being 
 asked to name what they would take, they chose two 
 concoctions called " Moses's Milk" and "Settler's Friend," 
 which they assured him were well-known American 
 drinks, but of which he had never heard. They drowned 
 their defeat in a delicious preparation for which that 
 bar-room was noted, and then went back to the hotel, 
 where they spent the next hour drenching themselves 
 with water in a futile attempt to reproduce the rainbow 
 that had so fascinated their imagination. 
 
 They had just given up in despair and joined the 
 ladies in the drawing-room, when Miss Bijou Brown's 
 card was brought in, and that young lady followed 
 closely upon it. 
 
 A tall, graceful girl, with what in more poetical days 
 used to be called " a kiss-worthy face," fresh, bright, and 
 sweet, eyes like two patches of brown velvet, but with 
 spikes in the iris, a quick, bird-like turn of the head, a 
 wave of the gold-brown hair wholly unconnected with 
 pins, irons, or papillotes, small feet, small hands, and a 
 rather thin voice as full of light and shade as the face 
 in its varying inflections, such was the lady who, with 
 an aplomb that made elderly Miss Noel feel positively 
 shy and awkward, came forward, made herself known 
 to each member of the party, and, dropping into a chair, 
 straightway seized the helm of conversation, and kept 
 it during her entire visit. With a great flow of lan 
 guage and pleasant glances to the right and left, Miss
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 155 
 
 Brown acquitted herself of her social devoir with a frank 
 naturalness that was not the ease or simplicit}' of the 
 highest breeding, but was very attractive, and with an 
 entire absence of embarrassment and constraint which 
 girls in other countries are not apt to achieve at eighteen. 
 Ethel made round eyes at her, as if still in the nursery, 
 Mrs. Sykes listened to her with an amused smile of 
 superiority and Miss Noel with one of kindly interest, 
 as she fluently explained that the Ketchums were her 
 next-door neighbors in Raising, where she spent her 
 summers and until recently had passed the winters as 
 well, that she was intimate with them and thought 
 Mabel " perfectly lovely," and was very happy to make 
 acquaintance with her friends, and so on. 
 
 " She was not thought a beauty at home," put in Mrs. 
 Sykes. " Nice-looking, rather, but certainly not lovely. 
 Still, over here I suppose she would be above the average. 
 I am forgetting that the Americans consider themselves 
 to have the prettiest women in the world, though I must 
 say that I have not seen even a moderately good-looking 
 one since I landed." 
 
 At this speech Ethel colored with annoyance, and 
 Mr. Ramsay shuffled his feet uneasily ; but Miss Brown 
 only laughed, and said, " Haven't you ? I didn't mean 
 that Mrs. Ketchum was a beauty. She is such a fine 
 woman, though, we all think, and is liked by every 
 body." 
 
 " A fine woman you call her ?" exclaimed Mrs. Syket>, 
 with animation. " Then she must have grown at least 
 a foot and expanded to match. She used to be rather 
 undersized than otherwise : there was never very much 
 of her."
 
 156 ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 Miss Brown felt puzzled, but, it being evident to her 
 that they were talking at cross-purposes, she changed 
 the subject by saying that her especial object in coming 
 that morning had been to ask them all to a theatre- 
 party she was giving the same night. 
 
 "What! Do you hire a theatre and give all your 
 friends an invite ?" demanded Mrs. Sykes, prepared for 
 anything, in the way of American extravagance. " What 
 is it like ? What do you do ? Is it one of your favorite 
 amusements here ? I never heard of one before, but 
 can guess a little what it is like." 
 
 " There wouldn't be many of them if we had to go 
 to all that expense," replied Miss Brown, answering one 
 of these questions. " Oh, no ! we all go to the theatre 
 together and have a little supper at Delmonico's after 
 ward, that is all ; but we think it a pleasant way of 
 entertaining our friends." 
 
 "And how are we expected to get there?" asked 
 Mrs. Sykes', ruthlessly rubbing the bloom off an intended 
 courtesy. It was not only that she was utterly desti 
 tute of tact, but that, possessing it, she would have 
 thought it much too expensive a luxury to indulge in, 
 when there was a question of her being, as she after 
 ward said to Miss Noel, " let in for the hire of a cab 
 both ways." 
 
 " Don't bother about that. Popper will send for you , 
 and you had better have an early dinner, perhaps, for it 
 is Salvini, and he's perfectly splendid !" replied Miss 
 Brown, rising to go. " There will be another English 
 man in the party," she added, and looked brightly 
 around ; but, if her new acquaintances felt this to be a 
 gratifying piece of intelligence, they all concealed it
 
 ON THIS SIDE. . 157 
 
 under aspects of varying stolidity and unexpressed dis 
 approval, and she got no reply but "Oh, really!" from 
 Mrs. Sykes, which expressed a good deal, if she had 
 only understood it. 
 
 " I asked him on purpose, thinking it would be so 
 pleasant for you to meet, and that it would be nice for 
 Miss Ethel to have somebody from her own country to 
 talk to and flirt with," she went on. " He's a lovely 
 little man. The girls here are all wild about him." 
 
 " You are very kind, my dear, and we shall be pleased 
 to go with you," said Miss Noel, " but you mustn't be 
 putting ideas into my Ethel's head." 
 
 " Goodness gracious alive ! Has she had to come all 
 the way to America to get that idea, at her age ?" in 
 quired Miss Brown, with her merriest laugh. 
 
 "What is my age?" asked Ethel, smiling, and ad 
 dressing the visitor for the first time. 
 
 " I can't tell a bit. You are as fresh as though you 
 were fifteen, and as grave as though you were fifty, at 
 least when your aunt is around," was Miss Brown's 
 audacious reply, at which the two girls looked at each 
 other and laughed, and, with the Free-Masonry of their 
 age and sex, decided on the spot to be friends. So much 
 good nature and friendliness had not been thrown away 
 upon Ethel, though she had only rewarded it with 
 monosyllables. Miss Noel now thanked Bijou for the 
 flowers sent on shipboard, and, after more ladies' last 
 words, the pretty visitor was gallantly escorted down 
 stairs and put into her carriage by Mr. Ramsay. 
 
 She had hardly driven off when an old friend of Sir 
 Robert's and flame of his nephew's Mrs. De "Witt, nee 
 Jenny Meredith came to call. Sir Robert, who had 
 
 14
 
 158 OA T BOTH SIDES. 
 
 been writing letters previously in strict seclusion, was 
 addressing a note to " The Lord Bishop of Maryland" 
 when this interruption came. Down dropped the pen 
 instantly, and he was soon shaking Mrs. De Witt's 
 hands with an enthusiasm and heartiness he did not 
 often exhibit. Mr. Heathcote slipped in a few phrases 
 somewhere among his uncle's fluent greetings, and then 
 retired to the fireplace, from which he blushingly and 
 pensively regarded his lost love during the remaindei 
 of her stay, paying small attention to Sir Robert's 
 " God bless my souls," his assurances of his delight at 
 meeting her again, his inquiries for mutual friends and 
 protestations that she was handsomer than ever, but 
 hearing clearly every word of her clever and gracious 
 replies, and acknowledging to himself that she was, if 
 anything, more charming than in the old Cheltenham 
 days. 
 
 " Ass that I was ever to have thought that I could 
 confer any distinction on that woman by asking her to 
 be my wife," he thought. " She would grace a throne ; 
 and but for my confounded conceit she might have 
 married me. That disgusted her utterly, and no won 
 der!" It will be seen from this that time and dis 
 appointment had had a wholesome effect upon Mr. 
 Heathcote's character and given him a much more 
 modest opinion of himself than he had once enter 
 tained ; but he was mistaken in his conclusion, for 
 Jenny Meredith had been attached to Colonel De Witt 
 for two years before she went to England, and had 
 engaged herself to him the day she sailed. Sir Eobert 
 had thought that Mrs. De Witt was in California, and 
 it appeared that she had only very recently come to
 
 OAT THIS SIDE. 159 
 
 New York, and had, through his banker, accidentally 
 learned of his arrival and that of his relatives. 
 
 "We have the tiniest little house that ever was, near 
 Babylon, Long Island," she said, " and, like Mrs. Ske^r- 
 ton, I always sleep with my head in the parlor and my 
 feet in the kitchen. But it is a great saving in house 
 maids, and I am by no means the most miserable of my 
 sex. You must come out and see the ' nut-shell,' as we 
 call it. Name a day when you can come and take a 
 high tea with me. With paupers like us on mange, mais 
 on ne dine pas." 
 
 " Babylon did you say ? Did I understand you to say 
 that you lived at a place called Babylon ?" quoth Mrs. 
 Sykes. " How very extraordinary !" 
 
 " Yes ; but, you see, I am a woman of nerve, and my 
 husband a soldier by profession. And there are worse 
 places. We have tried Versailles, Kentucky, and Whis 
 key City in the West, and it is a distinct improvement 
 on both places, I assure you," said Mrs. De Witt, laugh 
 ing, and so took her leave, having made herself so 
 agreeable that even the "globe-trotter" had something 
 amiable to say of her. 
 
 " Keally, quite a charming person, and not bad-loot 
 ing. But she can't be so frightfully poor as all that. 
 Her lace was lovely, and real, I know, for I came up 
 behind her- while she was bidding Ethel good-by and 
 felt it," was her characteristic comment. "I am glad 
 we are asked to drink tea with her. She said her hus 
 band had some photographs of those curious cliff-cities 
 of the Mexican Americans in Anazona, or whatever it 
 is, and I mean to get a couple out of him for my diary 
 if I can."
 
 160 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes and Sir Eobert both kept diaries, hers 
 being an illustrated one, and forming part of a series 
 which she had kept in all the countries where she had 
 Ravelled, very entertaining reading, and made more 
 attractive by her really admirable sketches, supple 
 mented by photographs. 
 
 In spite of Miss Brown's suggestion about an early 
 dinner, it was rather late when the party from the 
 hotel presented themselves in her father's box, where 
 she was seated awaiting them, looking her prettiest 
 and as if clad in white samite, an immense bouquet on 
 the railing in front of her, and a crimson sortie de bal 
 thrown over the back of her chair. 
 
 She received them quietly, assigned them their seats, 
 and introduced them to the two other guests present, 
 Mrs. Conway, a gorgeous matron in blue velvet, stout 
 and stupid, and the Englishman of whom she had 
 spoken. Bows were exchanged between the opposite 
 sexes. Sir Robert and Mr. Heathcote met their coun 
 tryman with the affectionate effusiveness for which 
 Britons are* noted ; that is, they gave him a haughty 
 stare and then shook hands with him limply and ignored 
 him utterly. In the confusion attendant upon getting 
 seated, no one noticed a little scene that took place in 
 the back of the box between Mr. Ramsay and Mr. 
 Drummond of London, as the stranger was called by 
 Miss Brown when she presented him to the others. 
 
 " What the deuce are you doing over here ?" demanded 
 Mr. Ramsay, by way of greeting. 
 
 " I don't see that it is any business of yours," replied 
 Mr. Drummond coolly, returning with interest the scowl 
 he had received.
 
 OiV THIS SIDE. 161 
 
 '' Oh ! all right !" said Mr. Eamsay, and took a seat 
 as far from him as possible and proceeded to look as 
 disdainful and as thoroughly out of humor as a man 
 very well could for some time, indeed, until Miss 
 Brown diverted his thoughts into more agreeable chan 
 nels. Even this adoucissement did not last long, for 
 when that young lady in her capacity of hostess turned 
 round and addressed various pleasant remarks to Mr. 
 Drummond, Mr. Eamsay straightway relapsed into his 
 former mood, and, not being an adept at concealing his 
 feelings, was either offensively silent or disagreeably 
 curt of speech the whole evening. 
 
 While Mr. Eamsay, like a grown-up school-boy, was 
 giving vent to his disgust with the incurable honesty 
 and constitutional incapacity for sophistication which 
 causes Englishmen of his type to be liked and trusted 
 or disliked and ridiculed according to the mental habits 
 and moral bias of the people with whom they are 
 thrown, another member of the party was in a state 
 of mind that precluded the possibility of enjoying Sal- 
 vini's performance, though her discontent arose from a 
 much more trivial cause. This was Ethel Heathcote, 
 who had been placed in a front seat, under the full glare 
 of a chandelier as well as in full view of the audience, 
 and, owing to having been hurried off by an imperative 
 uncle, had forgotten to bring her gloves. Now, Ethel, 
 like many English girls, was afflicted with hands that 
 had an awful trick of turning red, yea, like unto the 
 lobster, and had given much time and the most anx 
 ious thoughts to curing this defect, but so far with no 
 result but that of aggravating the unfortunate peculi 
 arity. Not only did the hands appear to grow uglier 
 / 14*
 
 162 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 every day under cosmetic treatment, but the objection 
 able rose-flush mounted slowly but surely to her very 
 elbows, and made her wretched. She was sitting tugging 
 furtively at her uncompromisingly short elbow-sleeves, 
 with tears of vexation in her pretty blue eyes, when 
 Bijou noticed the movement and asked what was 
 wrong. 
 
 " Oh, dear, it is so tiresome ! Do \et me hide myself 
 somewhere. I came off without my gloves, and only 
 see these awful hands of mine ! Scarlet ! Positively 
 scarlet!" murmured Ethel, in a distressed whisper. 
 " Dear, dear ! what shall I do with them ?" she added, 
 pulling a fold of her overskirt over the objectionable 
 members. 
 
 " Wait a minute. They are not so bad at all. You 
 only think so because they are yours. Hold on, and 
 I'll look in my coat-pocket and see. I think I've got a 
 pair there that will fit you," whispered Bijou back 
 again, consolingly. Accordingly, Miss Brown looked, 
 found no gloves, put her head out of the door, spoke to 
 an usher whom she found there, and returned to her 
 seat. Five minutes later there was a knock at the door, 
 which Ethel did not hear, owing to her interest in 
 Desdemona. An envelope was handed to Bijou, which, 
 when unobserved, she quietly tore off, and, going back 
 to Ethel, slipped into her hand a pair of eight-buttoned 
 gants de Suede. The relief of Sebastopol was nothing 
 compared to Ethel's as she breathed out a fervent 
 " Thank you very much indeed ; but a fresh pair?" and 
 hastily drew them on. It may not be out of place to 
 mention that Bijou got another pair next day, with an 
 ftminently lady-like note stating, in Ethel's bold hand
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 163 
 
 but rather weak style, "that some girls would have 
 been rathei glad to see another placed at a disadvan 
 tage, and other girls would not at all have cared how 
 other girls appeared ;" also that " one would not so 
 much have minded how one was dressed in one's own 
 country, but that one did not like to make one's self 
 ridiculous in the eyes of foreigners," as well as that 
 the writer was hers affectionately, " Ethel Maude 
 Ileathcote," from which it will be seen that if Miss 
 Brown did a little kindness she was certainly paid for 
 >t in the right kind of coin. Rich as Mrs. Sykes was, 
 perhaps she was bankrupt in this particular, for, having 
 occasion to borrow Bijou's exquisite fan during the 
 evening, she kept and used it during her whole stay in 
 New York, and finally sent it home, a good deal the 
 worse for wear, wrapped up in a fragment of news 
 paper, without a line of acknowledgment, by Parsons, 
 who for very shame invented a civil message on her 
 own responsibility. But for these episodes, the evening 
 passed very much like others of its kind. Mrs. Sykes 
 talked a little in a patronizing way to Mrs. Conway, 
 put the usual number of questions, swept the audience 
 from side to side again and again with her lorgnon, 
 and gave such attention to the great artist who was 
 playing as she had to spare. Sir Robert and Mr. Brown 
 talked incessantly between the acts, and intermittently 
 during the performance. The girls were vaguely moved 
 by it, and Mr. Ramsay at certain points very much so ; 
 as, for instance, when Othello springs like a tiger upon 
 the crouching lago. "If I had that chap I'd break 
 every bone in his rascally skin ! What does he let him 
 off for like that?'' he askel, with sparkling eyes.
 
 164 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 When they had all helped to murder a most lovely 
 and unfortunate lady, and the curtain had fallen and 
 Salvini had committed the unpardonable sin of appear 
 ing before it, they went off to Delmonico's and had a 
 delightful little supper, at which Mr. Ramsay continued 
 pointedly to ignore the existence of Mr. Drummond, 
 and Miss Brown was always casting herself d la Quin- 
 tus Curtius into the gulf that separated them ; and so 
 the affair ended. 
 
 When Miss Brown got home that night she felt an 
 unaccountable sense of disappointment in thinking over 
 the events of the evening. " He's the handsomest and 
 the ' swellest' fellow, as they say here, that I ever saw, 
 but I am afraid he has got an awful temper," was one 
 conclusion that she jumped to. 
 
 Driving back to the hotel in their cab, Mr. Ramsay 
 said to Mr. Heathcote suddenly, " Who do you think 
 that chap was that they had there? That was my 
 cousin, Arthur Plummer." 
 
 There seemed to be a voluminous biography in the 
 bare statement. 
 
 " The deuce it was !" exclaimed Mr. Heathcote. " I 
 thought there was something familiar about his face, 
 but I haven't seen him since we were at Eton together. 
 I thought he had been transported or hanged long 
 since." 
 
 "And so he would have been, if he had got his 
 deserts," rejoined Mr. Ramsay. " They haven't heard 
 of him at home for years. I was never so astonished 
 in all my life as when he showed up on this side. I 
 wonder where he got the money to come ? If it hadn't 
 been for the women and all that, I'd have kicked him
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 165 
 
 out of that, pretty quick. He isn't fit to sit in the 
 same theatre with them. If he thinks I am not going 
 to tell of him, he is vastly mistaken, that's all. I shall 
 go to Mr. Brown the first thing in the morning and 
 expose him. Hang it all ! To think of his turning up 
 over here now !" 
 
 Mr. Brown was out of town when Mr. Eamsay called 
 next day at his house, but was expected back in a few 
 days, the servant said, so that, after spending several 
 minutes in trying to decide whether he would ask for 
 the daughter and pour into her ear the particularly 
 plain and entirely unvarnished tale he had come to tell, 
 his shyness got the better of him, and he left cards 
 instead. These being promptly taken up to Miss Brown, 
 that young lady exclaimed, " Too bad!" and darted to 
 the window to get a glimpse of the retreating visitor, 
 after which she inspected the cards again with an 
 interest hardly justified by the narrow strips of paste 
 board on which was inscribed, in plain text, " Mr. Ram 
 say, of Ferneyhaugh," and, in pencil, " Ninth Avenue 
 Hotel." 
 
 III. 
 
 "LAY out my red satin gown, Parsons," said Mrs. 
 Sykes to Miss Noel's maid, when the time came to dress 
 for the De Witts' entertainment. " It is nearly gone 
 now, to be sure, after three seasons' wear ; but it will 
 do nicely for America." 
 
 "And what shall I do about the spots all down the
 
 1(}6 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 front, mem ?" inquired Parsons. " And the bottom 
 flounce do look 'opeless; there's nothink to bo done 
 with it, as I can see." 
 
 Parsons's services had been " occasionally" proffered 
 to Mrs. Sykes by her mistress, and she was already 
 tired of the endless demands made upon her. 
 
 " Oh, all that will not be noticed. It really doesn't 
 matter over here. It will answer quite well as it is, I 
 am sure, for this kind of thing," said Mrs. Sykes, 
 serenely convinced that any dress of hers was good 
 enough to grace an American entertainment given by 
 people who confessed themselves poor and who lived 
 near Babylon, Long Island. 
 
 Parsons did what she could to furbish up the dis 
 gracefully-shabby robe in question (with an eye tc 
 future perquisites, it must be confessed), but it remained 
 a piece of tawdry finery, and a very unbecoming one 
 besides, for the day was warm, and it imparted an ad 
 ditional flush to a face already as highly colored as a 
 chromo, vivid blue as to the eyes, almost magenta as 
 to the cheeks, auburn-haired, and boasting an array of 
 very white, large teeth. 
 
 But if nature had added to these tints prominent 
 features and a chin which, as the one retiring thing 
 about Mrs. Sykes, surely needs no apology, she had 
 given her one of those beautiful figures which she 
 seems to reserve especially for her ugliest daughters, 
 and fortune had added other figures which are thought 
 by some persons to be much more satisfactory in the 
 long run. Mrs. Sykes was tall, perfectly proportioned, 
 graceful, and occasionally dressed as well as any French 
 woman.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 167 
 
 " Americans have a silly idea that all Englishwomen 
 are frumps, and I'll take one box of my French things 
 to show them that they are not the only women in the 
 world who know how to dress; hut that will be for 
 great occasions, should there be such by any chance. 
 I don't mean to waste my best things on them, as a 
 rule. I'll go in for ' republican simplicity,' " she had 
 laid on leaving London. 
 
 It will be seen, then, that if she wore her oldest gown 
 to the De Witts' it was from insolence, and not in the 
 least from indigence; and she saw her mistake when 
 she got there, and repented in satin instead of sack 
 cloth. 
 
 Nor was she better satisfied with the toilets of her 
 companions. Miss Noel came down in a rick silk, cut 
 in a wonderful way, the skirt much longer in front 
 than at the back, most eccentrically looped in a series 
 of little pleats set very far apart on the sides, long and 
 plain in the bodice, and enlivened about the neck with 
 a wide fall of cotton lace, and no less than five neck 
 laces, graduated from a velvet band and brooch about 
 the throat to a long string of lapis-lazuli beads that fell 
 almost to the waist. But all the same she looked the 
 handsome and refined old gentlewoman that she was, 
 and kept the Chesterfieldian "ton de la parfaitement 
 bonne compagnie" in a costume that would have vulgar 
 ized many women of great pretensions to gentility. 
 As for Ethel, she was got up as only an English girl of 
 the provincial type ever could be. 
 
 " The two of you are bad advertisements for Par 
 sons," observed Mrs. Sykes, with her usual unbridled 
 frankness, when she saw them. " Not that it matters
 
 168 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 very much. Miss Noel must be past caring for such 
 things, and you are a good little thing, Ethel, but you 
 are one of the girls that no man would ever look at 
 twice. But, really, to put you in a short black slip 
 and a trained overdress of tarlatan and a beaded cash 
 mere jacket is too bad of Parsons. I'had not thought 
 it of her. To be sure, she is country-bred, and has 
 only had the annual hunt ball to provide for, but still 
 she must see that you are a couple of guys." 
 
 " You are extremely uncivil, and I don't agree with 
 you at all," said Miss Noel. " This is a good, service 
 able gown, that I expect to last me for years, and all 
 done over quite recently ; it can't have been three years 
 since it was turned upside down and inside out and all 
 this lace put on. What is the matter with it ? As to 
 dear Ethel, she looks as nice as possible, I think. She 
 wore that very frock to an archery meeting at the 
 castle before we left, and the countess asked to be 
 allowed to take off the pattern of her josie, saying 
 that she had not seen anything like it before." 
 
 " That I can well believe," replied Mrs. Sykes coolly. 
 " She never will, out of the provinces. I always think 
 when I go down there that it is easy to see what be 
 came of the three thousand dresses that Queen Eliza 
 beth left behind her. They drifted into the remote 
 counties, where the women have been making them 
 over once in fifty years ever since. No, no. If Ethel 
 is to make anything of a figure in the world, or hook 
 BO much as a fifty-pound curate, she will have to get a 
 London maid, a French one she can't afford. A girl 
 with no beauty and no money must have clothes. Thank 
 heaven ! I shall never have any daughters to marry
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 169 
 
 oft'. When I think of my four sisters out season after 
 season husband-hunting, and the youngest a good thirty- 
 three, I feel that I can't be too thankful that I married 
 when I did. Excuse my speaking so plainly about your 
 dress, but I never could see the good of mincing mat 
 ters; and you'd better act on it as soon as you get 
 home, and not wait until Ethel begins to go off, when 
 it may be too late." 
 
 Poor Ethel, who had come down-stairs with an 
 agreeable consciousness of being well dressed, was 
 much disturbed by these comments. Nor was she 
 reassured by her brother, who presently camo in. 
 
 "What is the matter with you, Ethel?" he said. 
 " There is something wrong with you, but I can't tell 
 what it is. You seem to wear the same things that 
 these American women do, but you don't look as they 
 do. You can't know how to put them on. It can't be 
 the thing to see a yard of carpet between your gingham 
 petticoat " 
 
 "It is a silk slip, and was five-and-six a yard, I'm 
 sure," Ethel put in ruefully. 
 
 "Well, silk, then and that frazzled Darwin thai 
 goes over it of muslin." 
 
 " Tarlatan, dear." 
 
 " Well, tarlatan, if that's the name of the stuft. 
 Hang it! all I know is that you are a regular scare 
 crow in it " 
 
 " Oh, Arthur !" 
 
 "And a pretty laughing-stock you'll be to these 
 Americans," he concluded. 
 
 " You know I have only thirty pounds for my allow 
 ance, and that my maid's wages come out of that," she 
 IT 15
 
 170 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 remonstrated. " You don't know what it costs to dress 
 like an American. Bijou Brown told mo only yesterday 
 that she gets a hundred and all her worst bills paid, 
 and no question of a maid, and lots of presents." 
 
 " "Why don't you send Parsons packing, and do your 
 own hair and all that, like the American girls ?" 
 
 " Do my own hair ? I never could. I haven't the 
 least idea how to go about it." 
 
 " Then }^ou are a great stupid, that's all," remarked 
 Mr. Heathcote, with all a brother's talent for making 
 himself agreeable. 
 
 " Perhaps, if it is so bad, I had best stay at home," 
 Ethel said to her aunt. " I can see that Arthur is 
 ashamed of me and considers me a fright." 
 
 " Nonsense, my dear. Don't mind him ; and" (lower 
 ing her voice) " don't mind Mrs. Sykes either. An Eng 
 lish lady does not wish to look as though she had just 
 stepped out of a fashion-plate. I consider that Mrs. 
 Sykes has lived too long on the Continent to be a judge 
 of such matters. It is all very well for tradespeople 
 and parvenues to lay such stress upon apparel, but you 
 can afford to dress as you please, within certain limits. 
 I have always thought myself that French costumes 
 look best on French actresses. It is no ambition of 
 mine to see my niece enter such lists. Really, my love, 
 you look unusually well this afternoon ; and though 
 Mrs. Sykes evidently thinks me dreadfully old-fash 
 ioned, my own idea is very different. It seemed to me 
 that this top looked a little fast looped up like this. I 
 should have preferred to have it plainer ; only Parsons 
 was so set about it that I yielded." 
 
 The " nut-shell" proved to be a charming little villa
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 171 
 
 set in well-kept grounds, gay with flowers and striped 
 awnings, and having more than its share of veranda, 
 wide, steep-roofed, and invitingly cool. There was the 
 usual entourage of such places, a windmill, a tennis- 
 court, hammocks, benches on which lay books not over- 
 wise, and a merry, unpretentious little fountain that 
 plashed pleasantly all the summer long on a remarkably 
 small capital in the way of water, thanks to the engi 
 neering skill of a certain officer who had diverted him 
 self and a small stream at the same time, devised pumps, 
 laid down pipes, and spent a good deal of time and 
 money proving that " anybody can have a fountain at 
 a trifling outlay." 
 
 Across the front lawn, sloping graciously toward a 
 westering sun, came Mrs. De Witt when she heard the 
 carriages stop at the gate, looking almost as nice as she 
 was in the coolest, freshest of white dresses, and hav 
 ing the warmest welcome for her guests, whom she re 
 ceived in her own gay and gracious fashion. She was 
 merely eager to meet them as promptly and cordially 
 as possible ; but Mrs. Sykes at once set the little atten 
 tion down as a recognition of her superior rank, and 
 was hardly out of the phaeton before she fell to pat 
 ronizing the place and its mistress as affably as possible, 
 in a way that set Miss Noel's teeth on edge. 
 
 " Quite a pretty place* you have got here, quite a 
 pretty place, though dreadfully out of the way. And 
 a nice lawn, the best bit of turf I have seen since I 
 landed. Yes, really ; I am sincere. I think it would be 
 thought a nice lawn at home. Quite English." 
 
 " Oh, we shouldn't dream of having English turf over 
 here," said Mrs. De Witt, in her very clear treble. "Wo
 
 172 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 know our place better. "We can only offer you a little 
 sparse and defective American verdure here and there 
 that dies away in a green and yellow melancholy later 
 in the season." 
 
 " And what shrubs have you got there ? I never saw 
 them before. When they are grown they may prove 
 quite ornamental, though I don't think them well 
 grouped, I must say. You want to open out the view, 
 not shut it in; and there should be more variety of 
 tint in the plantations over there. What are those 
 rather thinnish bushes with long, glossy leaves ?" 
 
 " Mere native shrubs. I forget the name. Not worthy 
 of your notice, I assure you. As common as possible," 
 replied Jenny. " Dear Miss Noel, I am so pleased that 
 you should take all this trouble to come to us. Ah! 
 here comes my husband, Sir Eobert, Colonel De Witt, 
 the only colonel in America, as you will soon find." 
 
 She then presented him to each of them more par 
 ticularly, for, though he had called upon them, they had 
 not met, and as they sauntered back to the house even 
 Mr. Heathcote admitted to himself that his successful 
 rival was a remarkably handsome man, of polished 
 manners. He had been accustomed to think of him as 
 " a Yankee chap," and he was prejudiced against Yan 
 kees. He had met a good many florid specimens of the 
 race on the Continent, whom h*e chose to consider typi 
 cal Americans, and of whom he was disposed to say, 
 with Jaques, " God be with you ! Let's meet as seldom 
 as we can." 
 
 As they approached the veranda they got clearer and 
 clearer views of a party of five ladies and six gentlemen 
 assembled there. On their arrival, more introductions
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 173 
 
 followed, after which Mrs. De "Witt carried the English 
 ladies off up-stairs to lay aside their wraps. Even in 
 her hasty transit through the house Mrs. Sykes had 
 time to observe through open doors certain effects of 
 portieres, family portraits, bric-a-brac, and what not, 
 that were reassuring, and to see that the villa was a 
 gem of a place, small but perfect, having about it not 
 only an air of great refinement, but a stamp of orig 
 inality. It was irregular, to be sure, to be shown up 
 stairs by her hostess ; but " autre pays autre mceurs." 
 She was less sure of her ground, somehow, and miti 
 gated her condescensions considerably. She prepared 
 to make herself agreeable according to her best lights, 
 and, on their return to the veranda, took the easiest of 
 the easy-chairs and voluntarily renewed her acquaint 
 ance with Mrs. Hitchcock, who was of the party. That 
 lady, however, almost immediately made some excuse, 
 and slipped away to another seat. 
 
 " That woman has a perfect detestation to me," 
 thought Mrs. Sykes. " I suppose that insignificant 
 little man of the same name is her husband, and that it is 
 they who have brought the duke. These De Witts must 
 be people of more consideration than I had thought. 
 The men seem du monde, and the women too, which is 
 a better criterion. And a bishop of something, too,- 
 not that colonial bishops amount to much. Still " 
 Here her reflections were cut short by the prelate in 
 question, a divine of much port and presence, in whose 
 creed turtle-soup and moselle counted for two of the 
 Thirty-Nine Articles, and whose broad person savored 
 far more of New York or London than of the New 
 Jerusalem. The bishop took the seat vacated by Mrs. 
 
 15*
 
 174 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Hitchcock, put his finger-tips together easily in semi- 
 clerical fashion, and diffused bland remarks in a fat 
 voice that issued from the back of a thick throat made 
 up of three tiers of chins. He spoke of England as 
 " the nursing-mother, under Providence, of the Church," 
 and described his visits to his "brothers of London and 
 York." He really liked England, went there as often 
 as he could, had no objection whatever to being called 
 " my lord," and always got into his apron and knicker 
 bockers the day he landed in Liverpool. He was quite 
 lionized there, and felt that he presented a pleasing 
 contrast to other American bishops of inferior social 
 gifts. Indeed, he once explained the difference between 
 himself and a gaunt, careworn territorial missionary, 
 whose lawn sleeves were utterly destitute of worldly 
 starch, and who cut a sorry figure at a certain general 
 council, by whispering impressively to the nearest Eng 
 lish prelate, " Converted from the Methodists !" " Ah ! 
 I see," said his lordship. 
 
 As for Mrs. Sykes, she talked away in her most ani 
 mated strain on a great variety of topics, and, being a 
 clever, a widely-travelled, and a well-read woman,, made 
 a very pleasant impression for some time, indeed, 
 until she began to show the cloven foot which it was 
 simply impossible for her long to conceal. 
 
 " You consider yourselves to have some sort of con 
 nection with the Establishment, do you not ?" she said. 
 
 " Friendly relations, but no entangling alliance. You 
 recognize the quotation, of course. It is our religious 
 no less than our political policy," the bishop replied. 
 
 A sharp course of cross-questioning ensued as to the 
 organization, position, and influence of the Episcopal
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 175 
 
 Church in America. Mrs. Sykes was surprised to find 
 that the Church did not boast a single archbishop. The 
 bishop as good as promised her one before another 
 decade, and signified that New York would be the see 
 to furnish him. 
 
 " You'd like to be chosen, wouldn't you ? You would 
 be a very good man for it," said she. 
 
 The bishop blushed with gratification at finding such 
 appreciation, though it was disconcerting to hear a pri 
 vate conviction publicly expressed. Mrs. Sykes was a 
 delightful woman. He disclaimed the honor, of course. 
 " New York is not my diocese, you know," he said. 
 
 " Never mind. Perhaps you'll get it all the same by 
 some fluke," said Mrs. Sykes encouragingly, and then 
 pursued her inquiries. Having grasped the idea that 
 the Church had no subsidies from the government, no 
 tithes, nothing, she went into practical considerations, 
 and wound up by asking the bishop point-blank what 
 his salary was, and how he managed to " screw" it out 
 of the faithful. 
 
 The bishop was annoyed. He mentioned the sum 
 collected, but was silent as to the manner of collection. 
 
 "Why, that's less than the cook at the 'Reform' 
 gets !" cried Mrs. Sykes, on hearing it. The bishop was 
 disgusted. Mrs. Sykes was odiously gross now. Hap 
 pily, a musical bell tinkled in the hall at this juncture, 
 and he was spared the necessity for -a reply, for this 
 meant that tea was about to be served, and a gentleman 
 from Boston, who had been talking to Sir Robert, came 
 forward and offered Mrs. Sykes his arm, Mr. Porter by 
 name, a cool, severe-looking man, a kind of abstract 
 of the exact sciences, with weak eyes and a trick of
 
 176 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 looking beyond the person with whom he conversed, at 
 some fixed point, real or imaginary. There were women 
 rather foolish ones, be it said who would sooner 
 have been shot from a cannon, like the Barnum prodigy, 
 than to have endured a prolonged tete-d-tete with him, 
 and men of some intellectual pretensions and even 
 achievements who would have shrunk from it as an 
 ordeal, for Mr. Porter was a kind of reagent, which, 
 applied to vanity, affectation, pretentious ignorance, or 
 charlatanism, exposed them mercilessly. But he and 
 Sir Robert got on common ground at once and had a 
 delightful talk. They began with the bird-fauna of the 
 United States, and the occasional additions made to it 
 from Mexico, Central America, and the West Indies, 
 and from this went on to ornithology in general, geol 
 ogy, botany, the Mauvaises Terres, the Dismal Swamp, 
 the Great Canons and Salt Lake, the Mississippi River, 
 valley, and delta, the Yosemite regions, the oil-wells of 
 Pennsylvania, and so on. Then followed a discussion 
 of the Quakers, the Shakers, the various communistic 
 societies established from time to time in the country, 
 the Mormons, the Penitents of New Mexico. Finally, 
 they had an argument as to whether the religion of the 
 American Indians was or was not a pure theism, bring 
 ing out a few legends and other specimens from Mr. 
 Porter's mine of information about the aboriginal tribes 
 which especially- charmed Sir Robert, who asked per 
 mission to make a note of what had been said, and 
 began with an important entry to the effect that " pol- 
 lywog was the Indian name for tadpole." He also put 
 down "a curious and most poetical belief that the rain 
 bow is the heaven of the flowers/' and "a remarkable
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 177 
 
 prejudice of the Cherokee women against hair on the 
 face of their warriors, which it is their practice to pluck 
 out as fast as it appears, in order, as George Eliot said, 
 to keep it ' distinctly human.' Extremes meet here, 
 certainly." There was another note, for which Mr. 
 Porter was not responsible. It was this : " The houses 
 of the early settlers in America were built of rude logs, 
 to which long, thin boards were nailed, which, doubtless 
 from the haste in which such buildings were constructed, 
 came to be called clap-boards, being clapped on without 
 loss of time by the natives, impatient to secure shelter 
 as soon as possible." 
 
 It had not escaped Sir Eobert all this time that Mr. 
 Porter had high cheek-bones, a tall, lithe figure, and a 
 delicate, aquiline nose. Could this be a national type ? 
 Was it the beginning of a reversion to the aboriginal 
 model ? He put some questions. Mr. Porter acknowl 
 edged that he often felt himself disagreeably cramped 
 by the artificial restraints of a high state of civilization, 
 and irresistibly impelled to throw them off; he confessed 
 to a fondness for bright colors ; he was never happier 
 than when shooting or fishing in the Adirondacks. 
 There seemed to be something of a case for Stimson, 
 and Sir Robert's eye brightened. But here Mr. Porter's 
 savage impulses ended, and further inquiry elicited the 
 fact that his mother was Scotch, and that he only 
 represented the second generation born in this country, 
 his grandfather having been an Englishman, so that it 
 was too soon for him to have " reverted" to any extent 
 to the Choctaw or Tonkaway type as a result of climatic 
 conditions. Nor did the physique of the other men 
 present shed any light on these interesting problems.
 
 178 ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 Colonel De "Witt looked more like an Italian than any 
 thing else, though he came of an old family, as American 
 families go. The bishop might have been English, 
 Danish, Swedish, German, anything that was fair, 
 ruddy, ample. As for Mr. Hitchcock, he was as nearly 
 featureless as possible, a sort of pasty nonentity phys 
 ically, though a magnate financially. But Sir Robert 
 reflected that it was too soon to generalize and reach 
 conclusions. Great patience in collecting data, and 
 elasticity in applying them so that a given result 
 (determined beforehand ?) may be reached, are the two 
 indispensable essentials of scientific investigation. He 
 would be patient. 
 
 The two young Englishmen had all this time been 
 amusing themselves admirably, sitting metaphorically 
 at the feet of Beauty in the persons of three attractive 
 girls, Edith Bascome, of Baltimore, the youngest and 
 prettiest member of a family that had been producing 
 belles and beauties for quite a century, and two sisters, 
 the Parker girls, from Philadelphia, as unlike as possible, 
 one being tall and as fair as Faust's Marguerite before 
 the footlights, the other a midget of a woman, of a dark, 
 striking, handkerchief-box type of loveliness, dressed in 
 a sheeny stun of old gold, with a great bunch of Jacque 
 minots at her round little waist. Mrs. De Witt glanced 
 at them more than once, pleased by their good looks, 
 smiles, and vivacious nothings, more especially by the 
 familiar air of the two men, handsome and high-bred, 
 whose every word and look, attitudes and platitudes, 
 brought back a long train of associations, the amuse 
 ments, impressions, and dormant recollections generally 
 of her own life in England.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 179 
 
 " What an air of education English legs have, to bo 
 sure !" she mused. " "Walking or dancing, standing or 
 sitting, they seem always to be playing a part rather 
 than executing a natural and involuntary function. 
 There is something studied about every one of Mr. Ram 
 say's incomparable attitudes, graceful and easy as they 
 are, yet he can hardly have acquired them of some 
 Turveydrop, the lazy grace with which he has just 
 wiped his face and tucked his handkerchief in the front 
 of his waistcoat, for instance. What is that he is say 
 ing about his brother Bill? I didn't catch it, but 
 nothing flattering, I am sure, from the queer expression 
 of the girls. Something about his ' nasty temper' and 
 its being impossible for his wife to live with him. 
 Certainly the English have less reason to dread the 
 awful day when the secrets of all hearts shall be re 
 vealed than any other people, for everybody will have 
 heard theirs, with the fullest particulars, beforehand. 
 I wonder if Mr. Heathcote admires Edith ?" 
 
 Edith was Mrs. De Witt's cousin, and it was a dis 
 puted point in the family whether Edith or Jenny had 
 given the more perfect expression to the well-knowr 
 Bascome features, complexion, and hair. 
 
 " I was told before I left home that I had better ' al> 
 squatulate' Baltimore if I wanted to preserve my peace 
 of mind, as it had two American institutions in perfec 
 tion, pretty women and canvas-back ducks, and it wat 
 < a tarnation deal' easier to go there than to get away 
 again," Mr. Heathcote was saying to Miss Bascome 
 " But, no matter if I am ' flabbergasted,' as you say 
 over here, I am going all the same. I met a fellow in 
 Paris last winter who was from there and made mo
 
 180 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 promise I'd come. He's a kind of ' top-boss' there, I 
 fancy, and promised to do me the honors." 
 
 "Couldn't we skedaddle over there together some 
 time or other?" asked Mr. Ramsay, anxious to show 
 that he also had a certain command of American 
 idioms. " Bill was there when he came over here, and 
 said it wasn't half bad fun." 
 
 " Do come," said Miss Bascome. " I really think you 
 will amuse yourselves for a little while famously. Why 
 not go there at once from here ?" 
 
 Mr. Heathcote instinctively grew cautious. " I can't 
 do that. In fact, it is altogether uncertain whether I 
 go at all," he said. 
 
 " I shall not be there ; but mamma and papa and the 
 boys are at home, and they will be delighted to receive 
 you and put you up at the club, and all that. And 
 everybody will be as nice as can be to you. English 
 men, when they are nice, are very well received there," 
 she hospitably urged. 
 
 "Thank you for the implied compliment. I didn't 
 know before that I was nice. I would rather go there 
 when when you are at home, Miss Bascome," said Mr. 
 Heathcote, rather sotto voce and feeling that he was 
 committing himself quite seriously. He had been 
 much struck by a certain resemblance, and had been 
 comparing the cousins privately all the afternoon to 
 see how far it went. Something oj the same freshness 
 and spontaneity of manner there was, but he was not 
 yet ready to admit that anybody could be as charming 
 as Jenny Meredith, as he always called Mrs. De Witt 
 in his own mind. Edith had not Mrs. De Witt's bril 
 liancy and quick sympathies and i-are fibre of soul; but
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 181 
 
 tme had a charm of her own. She was a thoroughly 
 refined girl, a sufficiently intelligent one, more consci 
 entious and practical than most of her ugly contempo 
 raries in all that appertained to her metier defemme, and 
 distractingly pretty. Now, Mr. Heathcote was accus 
 tomed to girls who looked more or less agitated when 
 he approached or accosted them, much more paid them 
 compliments, but no faintest trace of consciousness or 
 gratification was visible in Edith's face. She neither 
 blushed and looked down nor smiled and looked up over 
 this compromising declaration, or any other of the 
 speeches that Mr. Heathcote hazarded during the even 
 ing. She apparently regarded him as indifferently as 
 though he had been his own grandfather, and said care 
 lessly, " Very well. I shall not be back for a month ; 
 but if you chance to come then I'll take you about and 
 present you to all the prettiest girls in the place and 
 do what I can to make it a pleasant visit." 
 
 She was not intending to monopolize him, then, as 
 some girls had tried to do before now, and she was will 
 ing to introduce him to any number of possible rivals, 
 unlike a certain young woman who had told him 
 only a fortnight before, at a Brighton ball, that " she 
 never introduced eligible men to other girln, not even 
 her dearest friend, as she was not going to lose a lot 
 of dances, and perhaps a chance of settling herself for 
 life, when it could easily be avoided by a little manage 
 ment and judicious fibbing." He knew that a nice 
 English girl would never have said such a thing, and 
 had been disgusted; but he also knew that, grossly or 
 adroitly, he had been flattered, followed, and angled for 
 ever since he attained his majority, and remembered 
 
 16
 
 182 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 with a feeling of relief that the relations between the 
 sexes Avere said to be entirely different in America. Ho 
 did not know what they were, but it would be pleasant 
 to find out, to lay aside the social strait- waistcoat that 
 had bored him so of late and forget that the matrimonial 
 net was spread for his feet. " I shall certainly come, 
 in about a month," he said, and then, from force of habit, 
 ndded, " But it will not suit my book at all to stay long." 
 
 "You will bring your sister, of course," said Edith. 
 
 " Oh, no ; not at all. Why should I?" said he. 
 
 " "Why shouldn't you, pray ? Wouldn't she like it ?" 
 
 " I dare say. She's always as pleased as Punch to be 
 taken about by me ; but it is a bother having women 
 around." 
 
 " A bother, indeed ! You should feel it an honor to 
 have a sister to protect and care for and make happy 
 in every way possible," concluded Edith, in a tone of 
 decided disapproval. 
 
 This was a new gospel, and Mr. Heathcote received 
 it in silence. He had eight sisters, quite enough to 
 protect him, ho thought. He was by no means madly 
 devoted to any of them, but was least indifferent to 
 Ethel. As to making them happy, such an idea had 
 never been so much as suggested to him before. On 
 the contrary, it had been the mission of the girls to 
 make him happy; at least they had been trained to 
 give up to him and submit to him in everything. " I 
 have dozens of them, a whole covey. If I did that, 
 I should never do anything else," he said, after a 
 moment. 
 
 " Very woll. What of that ? You couldn't be better 
 employed It would be as good for you as for them,"
 
 O.V THIS SIDE. 183 
 
 said Edith severely. "And that's what men are for. 
 They were not put in the world to amuse and gratify 
 and pamper themselves from morning till night." 
 
 " I expect that is, a fellow expects to deny himself 
 lots of things and give in and philander around his 
 wife, Miss Bascome, that is, if he ever marries," re 
 plied Mr. Heathcote, making the remark as much of an 
 impersonal and abstract aphorism as possible. " But a 
 sister, now, is a different thing." 
 
 " Do you think so ? I don't agree with you at all. 
 And I am sorry for the wife. Bad brothers are not apt 
 to develop in a few weeks into good husbands. For my 
 part, I wouldn't marry any man, not if I loved him 
 with all my heart, that was unkind to his mother anfl 
 sisters. I wouldn't be such a fool as to suppose that I 
 could transform him into a devoted husband." 
 
 Mr. Heathcote stared. Her decision of tone and 
 manner amused him, as did the didactic tone of her re 
 marks. The plump way in which she brought out the 
 " not if I loved him with all my heart," and that round, 
 unvarnished "fool," was very novel. An English girl 
 of her class would have blushingly said something about 
 " liking" the man in question, and avoided the last ex 
 pression altogether as unladylike. He was interested. 
 
 " Then you expect to get a devoted husband ?" he 
 said. 
 
 " I hope to," said Edith honestly, " when if " And 
 uow at last came her blush, the dearest little blush 
 that ever rose to a girl's cheek and vanished again. 
 
 Mr. Ramsay all this time had been rattling away in 
 the most cheerful manner to the Parkers, who put in 
 an animated "Is that so?" or "How perfectly lovely!"
 
 1& 4 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 or " What an awful shame !" as the circumstances de 
 manded. For the last five minutes he had been talking 
 to them of London slang. 
 
 Edith had caught a " Tell us some more, do," from 
 the youngest Miss Parker, who now broke in with, 
 " It's just too funny for anything, Edith. A ' tizzy' is a 
 sixpence, and a ' bobby' is a shilling, twenty-five cents 
 of our money, and a ' pony' is a hundred dollars." 
 
 The two gentlemen laughed. 
 
 " No, no ; a ' bob.' A ' bobby' is a policeman," ex 
 plained Mr. Eamsay. And all the party being at the 
 age when it is possible to laugh at everything 01 
 nothing, availed themselves merrily of the privilege. 
 
 This was the only information imparted ; and the 
 conversations were not at all like the one Sir Robert 
 was having with Mr. Porter, a few feet off; neither 
 were there any bon mots, jeux d' esprit, or witticisms of 
 any kind ; yet every member of the quintette had 
 found it extremely pleasant and amusing. 
 
 Ethel had fallen to the lot of a certain young lawyer 
 of the self-confident, aggressive type spoken of by 
 many persons as " a smart man," and reputed to have 
 " a great flow of language." Fluent he was, in a showy, 
 superficial sort of way ; but his talk was all machine- 
 made, and only " flowed" on the coffee-mill principle, 
 as he ground out the same thing over and over again 
 at successive entertainments, without often finding so 
 good a listener as Miss Heathcote. An interest he had 
 for her that he little suspected. He fancied that he 
 was captivating her by the play of his mind. The real 
 truth was that he sported a " goatee," the first that she 
 had ever seen, and she found a sort of fascination for
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 185 
 
 while in watching the singular tuft as it rose and fell 
 with each phrase or smile : indeed, so absorbed was she 
 in the contemplation of this unique hirsute adornment 
 that once or twice she quite forgot to make a proper 
 response to what he was saying. His manner struck 
 her as familiar, audacious, " shoppy :" it was smart, and 
 had none of the deference that need not be spoken but 
 should always be felt. He asked Ethel how she liked 
 America, and, on her saying, " It is all different to 
 England, but has been very diverting so far," exclaimed, 
 " ' Different' ! I should rather hope it was," and then 
 went on to express an intense dislike for her native 
 country and all its institutions, founded upon a brief 
 tour in it taken the year before. The hotels, people, 
 manners, and customs had all alike failed to please him. 
 The royal family were imbecile all the way through ; 
 the prince would never come to the throne; the aris 
 tocracy was doomed; London society was the most 
 corrupt in the world. All this knowledge, and much 
 more, he had gained in a two weeks' residence at the 
 " Langham." He had never been able to get a glass of 
 iced water outside of that institution. The climate 
 was the worst on earth. The House of Lords dropped 
 Its /i's habitually, and the Earl of he couldn't remem 
 ber the title had said that " It wasn't the 'unting that 
 'urt the 'orses, but the 'ammer, 'ammer, 'ammer on the 
 'ard "ighroad." 
 
 Ethel listened indignantly to all this intelligent criti 
 cism, and even when his uproarious laughter died away 
 she could find no words in which to confute it. The 
 largeness of the statements and the invincibility of the 
 Ignorance confounded her. She was still trying to give 
 
 16*
 
 186 OJV BOTH SIDES. 
 
 some adequate expression to her excited feelings, when 
 he, noticing and rather enjoying her chagrin, had the 
 fine tact to add, " You are very wise to come over here. 
 Perhaps one of our Yankee boys will take a fancy to 
 you, and then you'll be all right. America is the only 
 country that is fit to live in." 
 
 " An English gentleman dropping his h's I You don't 
 snow anything about England ; and I wouldn't marry 
 a Yankee, not if " she began warmly. 
 
 But at that moment Colonel De Witt came up, and 
 laughingly said, " Don't be rash, Miss Heathcote. Here 
 is the most charming young fellow, a ' Yankee' officer, 
 waiting to take you inside, and perhaps ultimately to 
 the altar." 
 
 The lawyer rose. " Take this chair near Miss Ethel : 
 I am going," he said to the gentleman who now joined 
 Colonel De Witt. 
 
 " Odious creature ! The idea of his daring to call me 
 ' Miss Ethel,' when I never saw him before !" thought 
 Ethel, more angry than ever. 
 
 " I've made her furious," the offender said to Colonel 
 De Witt, as they walked off. " They can't bear to be 
 told about their A's. But she needn't talk. She says 
 'at tome' and ' 'oteP herself." 
 
 Colonel De Witt felt annoyed. By an unlucky chance 
 the lawyer had dropped in on them that afternoon : ho 
 had not been invited. " They give to ' hotel,' as to the 
 word ' trait,' its original French pronunciation," he said. 
 
 " Oh, pshaw ! They don't know how to speak their 
 own language," the lawyer replied, with conviction. 
 " In some parts they didn't understand me at all at 
 6rst."
 
 O^ THIS SIDE. 187 
 
 Miss Noel had been placed between the bishop's wife 
 and another dignitary, a major-general in the regular 
 army, of commanding presence and much social pres 
 tige. This officer sat bolt upright in an uncompro 
 misingly straight-backed chair, and talked in short, 
 staccato sentences in a huffy, bluffy, chuffy way which 
 suited him, somehow, as a vieux moustache. His body 
 had always the air of being on drill, while his legs 
 seemed always on furlough. He turned his whole body 
 when he wanted to look to the right or left, but his 
 legs he continually twisted and untwisted about the 
 rounds of his chair like clumsy creepers, or shot them 
 out suddenly in front of him, to withdraw them as 
 suddenly. 
 
 Miss Noel recognized the tenue militaire, although he 
 was not in uniform, and asked the general if he had 
 seen much foreign service " in Mexico and South Amer 
 ica and about there ;" deplored " the sad struggle be 
 tween the Northern and Southern Americans, whose 
 wounds she feared were hardly yet healed ;" and rejoiced 
 that slavery was done away with forever. 
 
 " It is more than I am," said the general, whose turn 
 of mind was pessimistic. " I'd put every one of them 
 back to-morrow if I could. It is the only system for 
 them. My son has an orange-plantation in Florida 
 that ought to have yielded him seven thousand this 
 year, and he didn't get seven hundred. And why? 
 Stolen ! Stolen by those miserable darkies down there. 
 Don't talk to me of the future of that race. They've 
 got no future. unless you call the almshouse and the 
 penitentiary one." 
 
 " Dear mo ! How very dreadful I Can't the govern-
 
 188 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 mcnt restrain such lawlessness in some way? Elaa 
 their moral sense been appealed to ?" 
 
 " Moral sense ? Moral fiddlesticks 1" said the general. 
 " Excuse my warmth. You might as well appeal to a 
 leopard and ask him to change his spots. I'd like to 
 tie every one of them up by the thumbs for a week. 
 The country is topsy-turvy, and has been ever since 
 the Fourteenth Amendment passed. There isn't a 
 servant in it, not even in the army now. We are in 
 the hands of the Irish ; and you know what that is, 
 anarchy at home, disgrace abroad." 
 
 " You surprise me," said Miss Noel. " What a state 
 of affairs!" 
 
 " It is all true. Politics are in a pretty state when 
 you can't pick up a paper without seeing that the Irish 
 vote must be conciliated and the German vote gained : 
 it will be the Swedish vote soon, and the Chinese vote, 
 and the French vote, and the Italian vote, not the 
 American vote at all. The only sensible party this 
 country has ever produced was the Know-Nothing 
 party. Who ought to rule this country ? The people 
 who were here before all these foreigners poured in, 
 the American people, of course, madam. And who 
 does rule it ? The riff-raff of Europe." 
 
 Miss Noel listened most attentively, and ejaculated 
 " Only fancy !" when he had finished. 
 
 " And where are the Indians now ?" she asked, with 
 unconscious irony. " I hope they are not giving trouble, 
 too ?" 
 
 " Breaking out all the time, on the contrary, mur 
 dering the whites right and left whenever they get a 
 chance." said the general.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 189 
 
 " Is it possible ? In what part is that ? I had sup 
 posed that they were being rapidly civilized." 
 
 " Out West," said the general. 
 
 " Eeally ! Sir Eobert can't know that, surely ! That 
 is where we are going, the Western part, the State 
 of Michigan," said Miss Noel anxiously, visions of being 
 scalped and tortured and made prisoner running through 
 her mind. 
 
 " Oh, there is no danger there, none whatever," said 
 the general reassuringly. 
 
 "What do you think would be the best policy to 
 adopt in dealing with them ?" asked Miss Noel. 
 
 " Shoot 'em," said the general decisively. " Kill the 
 last one of 'em, and then we shall have peace, and so 
 will they, and not until then." 
 
 Miss Noel wrote nine letters next morning before 
 breakfast, and gave in several of them a comical enough 
 resume of the condition of affairs in America as gleaned 
 from " an official of wide experience and high rank," 
 showing that the country was a prey to factions of 
 the most ignorant and turbulent kind, that the experi 
 ments of freeing the slaves and civilizing the aborigines 
 had proved utter failures, and prophesying the worst 
 things. 
 
 " They carry the seeds of disunion in their own 
 bosom," she wrote, " and the late war was only the first 
 of a long series of struggles more gigantic and terrible 
 than any the world has yet known, I fear." Congratu 
 lations on the British constitution followed, and the 
 wisdom of being born in the right place, and then the 
 remark, " The fourteen new amendments to the Consti 
 tution seem to be working very badly, and it is to be
 
 190 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 hoped may soon be repealed. And the worst of it Is 
 that there seems to be no remedy for all this ; for when 
 T asked the official with whom I was talking (whoso 
 name I reserve, having met him at a private house) 
 why the government did not take such and such meas 
 ures, he said bitterly, ' Congress ? Is it possible you 
 expect anything from Congress ? Ah, you are a for 
 eigner.' And when I asked if there were not other 
 
 O 
 
 tribunals, he said, ' Yes ; there was a Supreme Court, 
 that had falsified election returns and put into office a 
 President never elected by the people.' Of course with 
 a corrupt judiciary all is lost." 
 
 There was a good deal more talk between Miss Noel 
 and the bishop's wife, and even the general, with which 
 we are not immediately concerned, it being high time 
 to say something about a high tea which has already 
 been kept waiting too long. 
 
 A model meal it was, not ostentatious, yet elegant, 
 well cooked, faultlessly served, and bounded at the head 
 and foot by a host and hostess who could almost have 
 made pulse fhd water ambrosial, so perfectly did they 
 understand the art of entertaining. A seat had been 
 added for the very superfluous lawyer, Mr. Crosby, who 
 had not had the breeding to take himself off, and he 
 was just beginning to grind, when his neighbor, Miss 
 Noel, looked across the table and saw Mrs. Sykes with 
 her eye-glass up staring fixedly at the handsome silver 
 epergne before her. 
 
 "Dear me!" said that lady alertly. " Can that be a 
 crest that I see ?" 
 
 " On the epergne ?" asked Mrs. De Witt. " Yes. My 
 husband's. An old family piece, that has quite recently
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 191 
 
 come into our possession through the kindness of a 
 friend, who, strange to say, found it at a jeweller's in 
 Charleston, and rescued it just in time to prevent its 
 being melted down and converted into teaspoons." 
 
 "An old piece, you say ? How very extraordinary ! 
 I thought Americans had no grandfathers," said Mrs. 
 Sykes, restoring her glass to its place, her brows still 
 keeping the arch of surprise. 
 
 Mrs. De Witt flushed, and was about to retaliate, but, 
 remembering that she was in her own house, stopped. 
 She caught Miss Noel's uneasy look, and felt repaid for 
 her self-control. 
 
 "Unlike the Smiths," she said, "who, according to 
 their delightful representative, ' invariably sealed their 
 letters with their thumbs,' wo have arms ; but I know 
 better than to sport a crest, as if I were a peeress in 
 my own right, or a reigning princess, and my husband, 
 as far as I can see, uses his nose, but he is so painfully 
 near-sighted that I am never sure what he is about." 
 
 " We don't want any crests and idiotic stuif of that 
 kind in this country. We have done with all that 
 nonsense," said Mr. Crosby, sweeping away paltry dis 
 tinctions with his right hand. " We don't care a cent 
 what a man i; we aim to be free and equal. We have 
 got no aristocracy over here, thank heaven, and never 
 will have." 
 
 "Ah!" said the duke. "Do I understand you coi- 
 rectly ? Your position is that of absolute political and 
 social equality? You visit your butcher and baker, 
 then, and sit at table with your servants? Logical, 
 but scarcely agreeable, I should fancy." 
 
 "Nothing of the sort," snapped Mr. Crosby angrily.
 
 192 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " I never sat down to a meal with a servant in my life, 
 any more than you have." 
 
 " I beg your pardon. I did not mean to be discour 
 teous, but the fact is that, to be consistent, that is what 
 you ought to do. You hold yourself aloof on the 
 ground of his being the inferior and you the superior. 
 There you have a distinction at once. You republicans 
 all want to level up, but not to level down. It has 
 often struck me forcibly that the one thing Americans 
 do want is distinctions, if they would be honest enough 
 to confess it. They are determined to do and be every 
 thing ; they are out-and-out the most ambitious people 
 I have ever known. It is laudable ambition for the 
 most part, but has lately found less honorable expres 
 sion in the genealogical and heraldic craze, with its 
 attendant search for distinguished ancestors, family 
 portraits, spindle-legged furniture, and heirlooms gen 
 erally. I am a good deal in America, as you know, and 
 have amused myself by observing its growth. When 
 I first used to visit here, I could count on the fingers 
 of one hand the carriages having any heraldic device ; 
 and now every other trap one sees has a regular soup- 
 plate of an affair on the panel that would do for the 
 Guelphs and Habsburghs, only that they very likely 
 would prefer a quiet brougham with perhaps not so 
 much as a monogram on it. I take it that those of you 
 who are really entitled to bear arms and the number 
 is greater than you think---have either let them fall 
 into disuse or used them under protest intermittently, 
 and taken up an apologetic attitude toward the Ameri 
 can people for having unwittingly been born gentlemen. 
 And now a whole lot of cads, that have no more right
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 193 
 
 to a coat of arms than I have to the mitre of my friend 
 the bishop here or the gown of the chief justice, have 
 coolly manufactured out of whole cloth the most ridicu 
 lous insignia that were ever seen, aided and abetted 
 by certain bogus ' heralds' colleges' that do a thriving 
 business, I am told." 
 
 " I know of two such," said Colonel De Witt. " And 
 I have heard that the manager of one of them was 
 once an undertaker in San Francisco. It is to be 
 hoped that he lets the dead past of his patrons bury 
 its dead." 
 
 There was a laugh, and the duke went on : "I give 
 you my word that I passed by a handsome house in a 
 certain city, not long ago, that had a stone escutcheon 
 carved over the door on which there was nothing but 
 a bar sinister 1 I could not help it I roared with laugh 
 ter ! Honest man ! he had no more idea that he was 
 proclaiming to the world that he was a bastard than 
 another man would have that he was a bore. And an 
 other day I saw a carriage standing in front of a shop, 
 very w T ell set-up, so much so that it attracted my atten 
 tion, and, if you please, it had on it the Percy arms, 
 with the motto of the Aglonbys, a north-country 
 family that I know." 
 
 " Ah, poor human nature !" sighed the bishop. 
 " Vanity and vexation of spirit." 
 
 "Yes, that is it," said the duke. "Human nature 
 will have distinctions of some sort, and titles too. The 
 Quakers, in their effort to get rid of forms, have become 
 rigid formalists, and, in trying not to dress like the 
 world's people, stickle for a particular color or shade 
 and give themselves twice the trouble that their neigh- 
 i n 17
 
 194 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 bors take. I have no idea that Mr. Crosby there would 
 be mortally offended if he saw his name in the morning 
 papers (as I did another fellow's) as ' Grand Potentate 
 of the Ancient Arabic Order of the Mystic Shrine,' 
 whatever that is. Let me see. I noticed another. Ah, 
 yes ! A lady at a ball given by our minister in Wash 
 ington, < Mrs. Assistant-Fish-Commissioner Kobin- 
 ,son.'" 
 
 " The only title that I ever thought entirely satisfac 
 tory was that of the Emperor of China, ' Brother of 
 the Sun and Moon, and Grandfather of the Fixed 
 Stars,' " said Mr. Porter. 
 
 " That is final : there is no going behind that record, 
 not even in a Presidential canvass ; it will bear any 
 amount of scrutiny," said Colonel De Witt. 
 
 " Well, as I said before," remarked Mrs. Sykes, " I 
 never knew that there were any grandfathers in 
 America." 
 
 The duke turned upon her a look that certainly did 
 not express admiration, and said, " You are out there 
 entirely." Then, addressing himself to Mrs. De Witt, 
 he said, "You have, and have always had, a gentry 
 in this country, men of more or less good birth, ante 
 cedents, achievements, refinement. I could mention a 
 number of names at the North and the South that are 
 as well known in this country and as highly thought 
 of as the O'Connor Don in Ireland, the Master of Napier 
 in Scotland, the Howards and Stanleys of England. 
 The only difference I see between England and America 
 is that with us the fact is officially recognized and 
 regulated. It does seem to me that the whirligig of 
 time is revenging the South, which has been so tremen-
 
 O^ THIS SIDE. 195 
 
 dously laughed at for its aristocratic pretensions and 
 ' first families of Virginia' by the North. You must ex 
 cuse these comments, Mrs. De Witt, as well as my 
 rudeness in monopolizing so much of the conversation. 
 In interests and in heart I am quite half American, 
 and I have made them in that capacity, not at all as a 
 foreigner." 
 
 " A foreigner ! God bless my soul ! I never thought 
 of it before, but I must be one, too, over here," exclaimed 
 Sir Robert. At which there was another laugh, and 
 many kind assurances from his hostess that he was 
 nothing of the sort, as well as a choky speech from the 
 general to the effect that he was a brevet American. 
 Mr. Crosby's batteries were silenced, but he swelled and 
 raged inwardly, and was so curt to Ethel that she 
 turned from him to the general on the other side, and 
 was rewarded by hearing that officer's views on certain 
 ecclesiastical points. 
 
 " I hate bigotry ; that is what I hate. That is why 1 
 can't stand the Roman Catholics and the Episcopalians. 
 I'd like to put a barrel of gunpowder under those two 
 churches and blow them both up," said that apostle of 
 charity. Such moderation was rather alarming to 
 Ethel, who wondered that a man of his rank should be 
 " a Dissenter," and a Dissenter the general was, though 
 not in her sense. 
 
 The talk ceased to be general, but was very briskly 
 kept up, especially by Mrs. Sykes, who " pumped" Mr. 
 Porter about the De Witts, the bishop, and others 
 searchingly, and was getting very dry answers, when 
 the move was made to return to the drawing-room, or 
 parlor, as Mrs. De Witt persistently called it, on tho
 
 196 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 ground that "a withdra wing-room" did not match a 
 cottage, and a " parloir" exactly expressed the use to 
 which she put the pretty little apartment in question. 
 
 " Some musique de digestion is what we want now," 
 said Mrs. De Witt to Mr. Earn say. "I am told you 
 sing. Do give us something." 
 
 He seemed reluctant to comply with the request, and 
 declared that he was " an awful duffer at that kind of 
 thing, and would be sure to make a mess of it," but 
 yielded finally. Mrs. De Witt played the accompani 
 ment to " O Fair Dove ! O Fond Dove !" admirably, and 
 Mr. Eamsay, in one of his best attitudes, looked ineffably 
 handsome, and "mourned, and mourned, and mourned," 
 without expressing any grief whatever, or so much as 
 a shade of expression, in a mellow voice of agreeable 
 tone and no cultivati'on, to the enslavement of all the 
 *adies present, especially the youngest Miss Parker. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes was then asked to sing; and, after the 
 usual conventional excuses, and making as much of her 
 condescension in consenting as Patti could have done, 
 she swept over to the piano, took her seat, arranged 
 her skirts elaborately and her music still more elabo 
 rately, and favored the company with " Non e ver" in 
 the style of an actor in a certain London burlesque, 
 who repeats three verses of a song and then says, 
 " Ladies and gentlemen, these are the words ; you will 
 find the air outside." Lessons a many Mrs. Sykes had 
 had, from Campana, and Trebelli, and heaven knows 
 who. One saw that she had received good training. 
 She took her notes properly, and paid attention to all 
 the "fortes" and "pianos," and died away utterly at 
 il con sentimento," but voice she had none, past or present.
 
 0^ THIS SIDE. 197 
 
 Wild applause followed, except from Ethel, who said to 
 her aunt, " "What does she mean by singing my song ?" 
 with that extraordinary proprietorship in a printed 
 composition which Englishwomen alone claim, and 
 Mrs. De Witt, out of courtesy, asked for another. This 
 done, Mrs. De Witt and her cousin played Schubert's 
 " Les Inseparables" charmingly, and a waltz of Wald- 
 teufel. Then Ethel's turn came, and, refusing to sing, 
 she played a sonata of Beethoven very conscientiously ; 
 and then Miss Parker played the zither as if for Titania's 
 court; and last of all her sister was asked to sing, 
 having been kept, like good wine, for a farewell bumper. 
 She might have sung " Au bon Pere," for she gave " O 
 Rest in the Lord 1" like an artist or an angel, whichever 
 you prefer, being a passionately-musical creature, with 
 a noble voice and the advantage of five years' hard 
 study abroad. Everybody was charmed, or nearly 
 everybody. 
 
 "Professional, of course," said Mrs. Sykes. "No? 
 Then going to be. People don't sing in that theatrical, 
 pronounced style in private life. You will see, she will 
 go on the stage." 
 
 There is no kno\^ng how long the party would have 
 gone on urging Miss Parker to give them " one more," 
 or "just this," but Mrs. Sykes rose and began making 
 her adieux while it was still early, and would not hear 
 of staying. So carriages were ordered, and they were 
 soon rolling away in the darkness, leaving the De Witts 
 to talk the affair over, the extraordinary good looks 
 of Mr. Eamsay, the ducal behavior and that of Mr. 
 Crosby, Miss Parker's voice, Mrs. Sykes, and even Miss 
 Noel's ovcrskirt, which Jenny pronounced " delightful, 
 
 17*
 
 198 ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 as English as Windsor Castle." Its owner she thought 
 " a high-bred, charming old gentlewoman." Her opin 
 ion of Mrs. Sykes was not so favorable. 
 
 " She belongs, I can see, to what I call the Crom- 
 wellian class in England, because they cause the English 
 name to be dreaded in the remotest parts of the globe," 
 she said. 
 
 Many other entertainments were given to the party 
 during the fortnight of their stay in New York, all of 
 them far more brilliant than the modest one described, 
 and set down in Mrs. Sykes's letters to her sister as 
 "fully up to the mark of May Fair." The French 
 costumes appeared at them, and Mrs. Sykes herself 
 was as gracious as she knew how to be, and secretly 
 much impressed. Mrs. Hitchcock and her daughters 
 showed Ethel and Miss Noel every attention. They 
 did not call at all upon Mrs. Sykes, finding out that she 
 was not a relative or even intimate friend, and explain 
 ing that she had been rude to them. But that lady did 
 not stand upon ceremony, and, from motives of purest 
 curiosity, went to see them one day with Ethel, and 
 inspected and criticised their handsome house, furniture, 
 and pictures with all her own sangfroid. 
 
 Of one of the latter she remarked, " That may be 
 thought good here, but at home we should call it third- 
 rate," and when she left she said to Ethel, " The idea 
 of an English duke staying in a house with a door-plate 
 to it, like a veterinary surgeon's or a dressmaker's ! If 
 it had been a foreign title, one could have understood it. 
 ] can't make it out at all." 
 
 Several ladies at the hotel called as soon as the party 
 registered without having any knowledge of them or
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 199 
 
 pretence for doing so, and with no object in view, as far 
 as they could discover, unless it was to find out " which 
 one the lord was," and what their plans were, and why 
 they had come over. As might have been expected,, 
 these did not prove very desirable acquaintances ; but 
 one of them, who was very rich, and whose heart was 
 better than her grammar, asked Mrs. Sykes to join a 
 party that she had invited to go some distance up the 
 Hudson. Mrs. Sykes was dubious about it until she 
 found that she would be at no expense, and then was 
 " delighted." She announced to Miss Noel that she was 
 going, and that lady was surprised, but only said, 
 
 " Ah, well ! I shall be a good deal absorbed by some 
 friends of my own, Americans. I met them in Switz 
 erland three years ago, and only think of their coming 
 a distance of two hundred miles to see me ! Is it not 
 the friendliest thing possible ? And they seem to think 
 nothing of it, I assure you." 
 
 Mrs. Sykes took all her prejudices with her, and 
 looked at nothing from a stand-point of good will. She 
 found no resemblance whatever to the Ehine in the 
 Hudson, which is not an unpardonable sin. She com 
 plained of the boat, ridiculed the passengers, patronized 
 her benefactress, and destroyed all that worthy woman's 
 pleasure in the outing by holding her personally respon 
 sible for everything that displeased her, or that failed 
 to come up to her standards, or that she thought un 
 sightly, the hardness of the pillows, the flies, the 
 advertisements posted up, the roads, the dust, the very 
 weather! She made the whole party change their 
 plans to suit her whims, and, when they returned, po 
 litely informed her hostess that she was " precious glad
 
 200 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 to be back again, and had had quite enough of rural 
 America." She also atoned for the loss of dignity she 
 had sustained in putting herself under an obligation to 
 a person whom she thought her social inferior by taking 
 no further notice of her, beyond bowing distantly when 
 they chanced to meet. Miss Noel told her that the 
 Browns had left town for Kalsing, and that her friends 
 had come and gone as well. 
 
 " They were too dear and kind for anything ; and, 
 only fancy, they asked me and Ethel to spend six 
 months with them! Did you ever hear of such a 
 thing?" 
 
 All the members of the party had amused themselves 
 so well in New York that they left it with regret ; but 
 their plans were made, and they never thought of 
 altering them. 
 
 On the day fixed, Sir Robert sent off a packet to his 
 solicitor, telling him where to address him and asking 
 him to number his letters, paid the hotel bills, counted 
 his change methodically, entered the amount expended 
 in his note-book, and was ready to move. Mr. Ramsay, 
 who was supposed to have applied himself to and to 
 have mastered the American system of checking bag 
 gage, bought the tickets, and showed Ethel what he 
 called " the brasses," saying he hoped he wouldn't lose 
 them, as it would be " confoundedly awkward" if he 
 did, and there would be " no end of a piece of business 
 te recover the luggage." Parsons became again a peri 
 patetic mass of parcels. Mrs. Sykes sold her red-satin 
 gown to the housekeeper for more than she had given 
 for it originally, and gave the chambermaid who harl 
 attended her ten cents. Final courtesies flowers.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 201 
 
 books, notes poured in upon them, and they left for 
 Washington and the West "much pleased with what 
 they had seen of the Northern Americans." 
 
 Lest any one should accuse Mrs. Sykes of ingrati 
 tude, it should be said that when the duke (who had 
 been barely civil to her, though very nice to the others) 
 called on the morning of departure and wrote down an 
 address for which she had asked him, she was deeply 
 appreciative of the trifling service, and brown-sugared 
 her voice to any extent in making her acknowledg 
 ments. 
 
 " Thank you so very much," she said. " It will be of 
 the greatest use to me ; and I do hope to have the honor 
 and pleasure of meeting your gracfc again some day." 
 
 To which his grace made no reply whatever. 
 
 IV. 
 
 THE most brilliant and attractive of American cities 
 was looking its best when " the allied forces," as the 
 English party laughingly called themselves, invested it. 
 Congress was still in session, pleasure very much at the 
 helm. The numerous parks were lovely with the first 
 vivid flush of green, and already boasted their fairest 
 flowers, the little children just escaped from their 
 winter hot-houses. The streets were gay with throngs 
 of people, even at other hours than those when the 
 Departments give up their employees. Smart carriages 
 rolled smoothly down the wide asphalt avenues by day.
 
 202 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 containing maids or matrons, richly dressed, poring in 
 tently over their social ledgers and day-books in the 
 shape of visiting-lists, making an occasional entry 
 under protest, or scoring off thankfully, almost de 
 voutly, entries already made, as they stopped at first 
 one house and then another and either left the cus 
 tomary heaps of pasteboard or stopped to make a call. 
 And at night the same carriages took half the dear five 
 hundred to meet the other half at innumerable enter 
 tainments, and everybody agreed that flesh and blood 
 could not stand the wear and tear of such a life much 
 longer, but continued to go everywhere all the same. 
 The wives of certain officials felt that they at least had 
 stood it as long as 'mortal woman could, and envied 
 Miss Kilmansegg one of her golden possessions, while 
 counting their "days," that they might apply their 
 hearts unto other matters, if not to wisdom. The soul 
 of the eligible young man sickened at the sight of fresh 
 invitations or the thought of chicken-salad. The heart 
 of the susceptible young lady had been broken over 
 and over again by naval officers, army officers, foreign 
 attaches, and agreeable strangers at large. But, like 
 that thrilling story in which the hero swallows the con 
 tents of a vial of arsenic, shoots himself through the 
 head, and then leaps from London Bridge into the river, 
 exclaiming, " The end is not yet !" the season held its 
 own, in spite of all its tragedies, comedies, romances, 
 and sensations of every kind. And, to look on that 
 social surface on whose brow " Time writes no wrin 
 kles," one would have supposed that Moore's millen 
 nium had come, and that "not tear nor aching heart 
 could in this world be found."
 
 CW THIS SIDE. 203 
 
 Mrs. Sykes had opposed stopping in "Washington, on 
 the ground that it was "quite unnecessary," as the 
 Capitol, which was " the great card of the place," could 
 be distinctly seen from the train as it moved in. Left 
 to herself, she would certainly have bought the little 
 book of views of the city offered for sale en route, trans 
 ferred them to her diary with a rechauffe of the de 
 scriptions attached, and gone her way more than con 
 tent. But she was overruled ; and even she found a 
 little that she could admire here and there, in the public 
 buildings, the handsome avenues, and the charmingly 
 individualized houses, that have so entirely the air of 
 having been built for homes, instead of being run up by 
 the block to contractors' orders and then converted into 
 homes. 
 
 They put up at the hotel recommended by the Do 
 Witts ; and next morning Sir Eobert, being desirous of 
 making certain inquiries, was told that " Mr. Maffy, at 
 the office," would " post him" about everything. The 
 official to whom he was thus referred proved to be a 
 very pale young gentleman, with a general air of having 
 sat up all night, a rapid utterance, and a perfect wil 
 lingness to impart all the information desired as to the 
 situation of the post-office and the nearest bank, the 
 hours when the foreign mails closed, and so on. He 
 was so obliging, too, as to add certain supplementary 
 suggestions " wrinkles," he called them, and certainly 
 ' extras," though not charged as such as to what Sir 
 Jlobert should do, see, and avoid, not only there, but 
 throughout America. There was no difficulty, either, 
 about finding out where the residence of his minister 
 was, latitude being reckoned from there, instead of from 
 
 \
 
 204 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Greenwich, in Washington, real-estate agents making 
 their " ad" (captandum vulgus) of a house as " in the 
 immediate neighborhood of," " twelve blocks north of," 
 or " on a line of cars leading directly to, the British Min 
 ister's." Affecting spectacle of American respectability 
 sheltering itself under the aegis of St. George ! 
 
 Having got all this information, Sir Eobert posted 
 certain letters and notes, and then said to Mr. Maffy, 
 " Should you think it likely to remain fine ? Have you 
 usually good weather at this season ?" 
 
 "First-rate," replied Mr. Maffy confidently. "Yes 
 terday was a sample of what we get about now. How 
 are your ladies this morning ? All right, I hope ; b*ut 
 if they are tired, and would like to stay in their rooms, 
 I'll see that their meals are fixed up to suit them and 
 sent up. And if they would like anything to read, I'll 
 send them up something. I've g"ot all Messrs. Bulwer 
 and Dickens's works, and I subscribe* for several maga 
 zines." 
 
 Deathless, unquenchable gallantry was the key-note 
 of Mr. Maffy's character ; but Sir Robert did not under 
 stand the situation at all, and stared in an evidently 
 perplexed way at the speaker. 
 
 " "What should they stay shut up in their bedrooms 
 for on a beautiful day like this ?" he asked. " If they 
 want anything to read, they can send out and get it in." 
 
 With this he took himself off, leaving Mr. Maffy with 
 an impression that he was " not a polite gentleman at 
 all, probably jealous" and carrying away a confused 
 idea that Mr. Maffy was "an impudent fellow," who 
 had meant he could not say what ; whereas the truth 
 was that Mr. Maffy prided himself on bfjng " a polite
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 205 
 
 gentleman," and was not conscious of any social gulf 
 between himself and the people stopping at the hotel 
 that could not be bridged by these small attentions, 
 which he was very much in the habit of showing. 
 
 The ladies were much amused when told of the inci 
 dent, said he must be " a most droll, curious creature," 
 and thought Mr. Maffy was " trying to take them in, 
 perhaps, in some way." 
 
 " What do you say to a good, brisk spin ?" suggested 
 Sir Robert. " I have not stretched my legs, except to 
 potter about a bit in New York, since I landed, and I 
 am longing to get out in the country again." 
 
 It seemed that they all felt the need of a constitu 
 tional, and off they tramped accordingly to Georgetown, 
 and far beyond, enjoying their walk as people do with 
 whom walking is not merely the getting over so much 
 ground in a given time at a certain pace, but a fine art. 
 Nothing escaped them. The earth, air, and sky, the 
 rocks, trees, plants, the note of every bird, came in for 
 a share of notice. They botanized a little, and Sir 
 Robert whipped out a trowel that he had brought, and 
 Miss Noel had her pocket-microscope with which to 
 inspect each treasure-trove as he enthusiastically trans 
 ferred it either to his pockets or, when those began to 
 overflow, to her basket ; and both were quite charmed 
 by " the plants of the country." They found a fern 
 just beginning to uncurl its fronds which neither of 
 them had ever seen before, and which awakened an in 
 toxicating hope that they might be "the first to intro 
 duce it into England ;" a lily something like their own 
 Thames water-lily, and " quite worthy of an English 
 garden ;" an anemone which Sir Robert remembered to 
 
 18
 
 206 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 have seen in Palestine and considered to be the one 
 that eclipsed Solomon in all his glory ; " delicious" bits 
 of moss, "fascinating fungi," and delight without end. 
 While Sir Kobert was cutting off buds, twigs, leaves, 
 and bits of bark to be inspected and dissected at his 
 leisure, Mrs. Sykes, quite fresh from Murchison and 
 Hugh Miller, was interesting herself in various stones 
 and pebbles which she had observed or picked up. 
 Even Ethel and the two young men, having been 
 trained to use their eyes, found a great deal to enjoy. 
 The scenery was by no means unappreciated, and the 
 ladies did a little sketching, Miss N"oel making two 
 water-color blurs representing nothing whatever to the 
 ordinary eye, and Mrs. Sykes dashing off a very clever 
 and spirited outline of a view that pleased her, to be 
 worked up later. The " spin" was an affair of twelve 
 miles, and they came back to a late luncheon as fresh, 
 to all appearance, as when they started, ravenous, and 
 delighted to have gathered more than thirty plants 
 quite new to them. 
 
 They intended to repeat the experience very often, 
 but it proved the only quiet, tranquil episode in their 
 stay, for their letters of introduction, having been pre 
 sented, met with an immediate and generous response, 
 and they were sucked at once into the social whirlpool, 
 from which it would have required a strong effort of 
 will to release themselves. Invitations of every kind 
 fairly rained upon them, and visitors poured in without 
 end. They dined at the White House, at least some 
 of them did, at their own minister's and other minis 
 ters', went to parties and receptions at the houses of 
 the Cabinet officers, teas, luncheons, dejeuners-d-la-four-
 
 OA 7 THIS SIDE. 207 
 
 chette, Germans, entertainments innumerable, to say 
 nothing of concerts and lectures and operas. They made 
 acquaintance with hosts of people, who vied with each 
 other, it seemed to them, in showing them every kind 
 ness and a most lavish hospitality, people from Maine 
 and California and Illinois and Cuba and the countries 
 lying between, very charming people most of them, and 
 a few as odd as possible, Washington being a net that 
 catches every kind of fish, from a whale to a minnow, 
 and some varieties rarely seen elsewhere. They dif 
 fered so radically from each other in appearance, man 
 ner, voice, and speech, and opened such an extensive 
 field for observation and comparison, that Sir Robert's 
 search for a national type became a very serious busi 
 ness indeed, especially as so many other things claimed 
 his time and attention. A busier baronet was never 
 seen. He attended the Congressional debates and took 
 a lively interest in the questions discussed, pronounced 
 the Senate the most dignified legislative body that he 
 had ever seen, and the House " an alert, business-like, 
 practical set of fellows, though not particularly states 
 man-like in appearance and behavior." He thought 
 " the speaking surprisingly good," and compared the 
 speakers with this and that orator in the French Cham 
 ber of Deputies or the Reichstag. He made " thumb 
 nail sketches," as he called them, of the more prominent 
 members, often hitting off a likeness admirably in a 
 few lines, and a precis of the most eloquent speeches, 
 for the diary, together with an account of the lines 
 upon which the two great parties were laid down, and 
 of their leaders. He looked up Indian legends at the 
 public libraries, and transferred euch as pleased him to
 
 208 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 the diary. He went all over the Treasury, and in 
 formed himself as far as possible about the < -rrency, 
 especially its more interesting features, the c ins now 
 rare and no longer in use, such as the Continen .il paper 
 money, the pine-tree shillings, the Granby and Carolina 
 elephant coppers, the golden eagle of 1796. The na 
 tional banks and the financial condition of the country 
 nad to be looked into, and the result was recorded in 
 the diary in facts and figures that would have satisfied 
 Mr. Gradgrind, formidable statements that fairly bris 
 tled with statistics, tabulated expositions of the imports, 
 exports, cotton-, tobacco-, and corn-crops of the Tjnited 
 States for about fifty years, with more than incidental 
 mention of the war debt, and an argument in favor of 
 a national floating debt. He went to the Patent-Office, 
 and came back with his head one nightmare of screws, 
 rods, boilers, engines, pistons, patents, to express in the 
 diary a profound respect for " the amazing inventive 
 talent of the Americans." He revelled in the Smithso 
 nian, and made an acquaintance that developed into 
 intimacy with a savant there, " who laid him under a 
 considerable obligation" (vide the diary) by presenting 
 him, " on the first occasion of meeting," with a fish 
 from Lake Champlain of a period when it was a la 
 mode for fishes to wear their bones externally, as Aus 
 tralian cherries still do their stones. He made a pilgrim 
 age to Mount "V ernon, and the diary glowed with honest 
 admiration of and veneration for " the great and good 
 Washington, who had the genius of Napoleon without 
 his selfish ambition and cruelty." He went to Arling 
 ton also, and proved conclusively in the diary that 
 "Washington and Lee were really Englishmen once
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 209 
 
 removed." He carefully measured what Mr. Ramsay 
 called " the chimney they are puttin' up down by the 
 river to John Washington," and contrasted it in .the 
 diary with other public monuments in various parts of 
 the world. He got histories, maps, geographies, biog 
 raphies, and went about his American studies with an 
 energy and thoroughness which never relaxed during 
 his stay in the country, and which made him eventu 
 ally better informed about it than ninety-nine men out 
 of a hundred born in it. Englishmen are apt to be 
 either grossly ignorant of it or to know it in this way. 
 And with all this he returned scrupulously every call 
 made upon him, neglected none of the social duties, and 
 enjoyed its pleasures, dining nightly with judges, pro 
 fessors, admirals, generals, Senators, and personages 
 generally. It is not surprising that he thought Wash 
 ington " an uncommonly pleasant place," and declared 
 with truth that he " met every day a great number of 
 very interesting and agreeable people." 
 
 As for the young people, they amused themselves 
 with equal success, if in quite different ways. Mr. 
 Ramsay achieved his usual immediate popularity. The 
 leader of the German paled before him. If he could 
 have taken himself apart in sections, like a telescope, 
 he could not have accepted half his invitations ; and at 
 parties, although he danced badly in spite of the most 
 painstaking attention to his steps, it would have re 
 quired a wheelbarrow, almost, to carry away the favors 
 he received. Although so remarkably handsome, he 
 was not conceited or spoiled, but so perfectly simple, 
 natural, and human, indeed, that as an ugly man he 
 would have been agreeable, and it was he attracted and 
 o 18*
 
 210 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 pleased everybody. Mr. Hoathcote was also liked. 
 Instead of keeping up his London habits and sharing 
 the immortality of the famous Hussar regiment, whose 
 officers give beautiful balls and attend them, but only 
 with the distinct understanding that " the Tenth don't 
 dance," let girls sit partnerless and hostesses plead as 
 they will, he suddenly abandoned the Turkish position 
 entirely. He waltzed, and gallopaded, and quadrilled, 
 and would have polked if he could have got a partner. 
 He tried to learn several new dances, and might have 
 been seen twirling away like a "West Point cadet until 
 all hours in the morning, when there could be no phil 
 anthropic motive whatever for such exertions. Part 
 ners were plentiful, and it seemed to him that he was 
 simply being numbered with the fogies by holding aloof; 
 and then the girls were so pretty, and danced so well, 
 and the floor and music were so good ! 
 
 As for Ethel, whom should she meet at her very first 
 ball but the young officer whom Colonel De Witt had 
 presented to her in New York, Captain Kendall! A 
 fortunate encounter; for, accustomed to the beautiful 
 toilets, bright vivacity, and gracious manners of Ameri 
 can girls, the men present were rather disposed to think 
 Ethel " heavy," and to avoid her in consequence. She 
 was certainly very solid in tissue, somewhat stolid and 
 lymphatic in temperament, unbecomingly dressed, and 
 lacking in grace ; yet any one looking below the sur 
 face could not but have felt the charm of her sincerity 
 and simplicity, would have noted the clear truthfulness 
 of her eyes, the perfection of her complexion, the gen 
 eral refinement of her face, with its regular features, 
 and hair drawn with uncompromising plainness straight
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 211 
 
 back from the temples to be coiled in a low knot. The 
 captain had certainly done so. Her shy and stiff man 
 ner had not repelled him, her sensible and thoughtful 
 replies pleased him, he had remembered her with un 
 common distinctness, and was more than satisfied to 
 find her in Washington. He devoted himself to her 
 almost exclusively that evening, he called upon her 
 promptly next day, and caused a small commotion by 
 asking thoughtlessly for her alone, though he had the 
 pleasure of seeing Miss Noel as well. He would have 
 taken her to the theatre, also alone, had not Miss Noel, 
 startled by these unusual demonstrations, insisted on 
 her declining, Ethel having rejected the only compro 
 mise offered, namely, that she should " take Parsons 
 along." He sent her very lovely bouquets, and might 
 have made the most decided impression upon a very 
 true heart, had not that always unmanageable, univer 
 sally troublesome organ chosen to attach itself to Mr. 
 Ramsay, whom she had known from childhood, who 
 called her by her Christian name and was very fond of 
 her in a way, though not at all in the same way, and 
 who was entirely unconscious of the state of her feel 
 ings. 
 
 Stimulated by Sir Eobert's industry, as well as by 
 meeting so many incarnations of American geography 
 in the persons of ladies from the North and South, East 
 and W.est, Miss Noel got a huge map, which she tacked 
 up on the wall ; also a paper of pins. Every time any 
 one called, she would, on finding out where they were 
 from, stick a pin at once in her map, and so gradually 
 got quite an idea of the overwhelming whole. " You 
 can't think what a capital plan it is for one who is dull
 
 212 0^" BOTH SIDES. 
 
 and hasn't a good memory," she said. " The names of 
 the places are so very odd, and the distances so great, 
 that I should never be able to master the subject ab 
 stractly. But this plan answers nicely, and impresses 
 localities on my mind quite wonderfully. When some 
 one says, ' I am a Californian,' I think, ' Oh, that is a 
 place I know. That nice, attractive Mrs. Hudson lives 
 there that told me about the vineyards, and the Chinese 
 servants, and the marvellous climate, and fruits, and 
 flowers.' And if another visitor proves to be a Maine 
 what do you say ? not Maniac, I hope, I immediately 
 say to myself, ' That very superior woman Miss Mar 
 lowe was from Maine ; and how delightfully she talked 
 of the forests, and the loggers, and the life there!' I 
 shall really get very well up on it in a little while, and 
 in such a pleasant way ! I get things a little mixed 
 sometimes, but one must expect that ; yesterday, for 
 instance, when I asked Mrs. Blair if the cotton-fields of 
 Massachusetts were not very beautiful when the bolls 
 were maturing, and she had to tell me that I was talk 
 ing arrant nonsense ; not in those words, though : she 
 was far too polite for that. I am sure I saw the cotton- 
 fields of Massachusetts represented in a panorama once 
 at Bath, called ' America in Sixty Views,' to which I 
 went as a girl with dear mamma. There was a dreadful 
 slave-driver, I remember, carrying a wand with an iron 
 tip heated red-hot, and the blacks all wore orange and 
 red turbans, poor things ! But perhaps there has been 
 some great change of climate, owing to the forests hay 
 ing been cut down, and it can no longer be grown there. 
 And you heard Miss Marlowe laughing at me for say 
 ing, ' Kansaw,' following the pronunciation of Arkan-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 213 
 
 saw. But still I am learning a great deal every day, 
 learning how very ignorant I am, for one thing." 
 
 " If you consider yourself ignorant, what do you 
 think of the gross ignorance of the American women ?" 
 said Mrs. Sykes. " They know nothing of the natural 
 productions of their own country whatever. Their 
 knowledge of the vegetable world is confined to edibles, 
 and I doubt if they would know those if they saw them 
 growing in the garden. As for the rest, I don't believe 
 they know gorse from heather, or fungus from moss. 
 You know that you have not been able to get any in 
 formation about the plants you got the other day, ex 
 cept from Miss Marlowe. Geology they have barely 
 heard of. I haven't met one who knew so much as the 
 order in which the strata succeeded each other from 
 the primitive rocks up to the cretaceous, tertiary, and 
 alluvial formations, or the principal fossils found in them. 
 I doubt if they know granite from chalk. It is really 
 lamentable ! They are merely painted, affected, arti 
 ficial dolls ! that is what they are, extravagant and 
 idle beyond belief, as far as I can see. I can't make out 
 how they ever got the name of being charming." 
 
 Miss Noel conceded that the fair sex in America had 
 " not been trained to love and observe nature," but sho 
 qtoutly defended them from the other charges, without, 
 however, succeeding in silencing Mrs. Sykes, who had 
 mounted her favorite cheval de bataille. According to 
 her, American women were "most disappointing" in 
 every respect. They were all "too pale," "too thin," 
 " too dark," too something, they had no " figgere," they 
 were " forward," and " boisterous," and " vulgar," and 
 "dreadfully overrated." But, such as they wore, she
 
 214 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " would say one thing for them," they were " vastly 
 superior to the men," whom she was always asking to 
 account for the fact. She was much vexed with Miss 
 Noel sometimes for not agreeing with her. The truth 
 was that, while Miss Noel regarded everything and 
 everybody in her own kindly fashion, pleased and pleas 
 ing, liking and being liked, praising where she could 
 honestly do so, and excusing the faults and defects that 
 she saw for the sake of the virtues and merits that so 
 greatly outweighed them, Mrs. Sykes looked at the new 
 world in which she found herself through what the 
 Duke of Argyll calls " the glass of custom and tradi 
 tional opinion," a short-sighted, unfortunate substitute 
 for that large vision which sees the traits, peculiarities, 
 habits, customs, manners in short, the social and po 
 litical condition of other nations than one's own 
 through a sympathetic and therefore true medium, and 
 finds, consequently, much that is deserving of admira 
 tion and imitation as well as condemnation. Too many 
 English people take these glasses wherever they go, and 
 like them none the less because they can see nothing 
 but England through them, no matter what part of 
 Europe, Asia, or Africa they may- be in. Mrs. Sykes 
 had a pair of uncommon magnifying power. If a 
 thing was " English," it was superlatively excellent. 
 If it was not " English," it was ridiculous and odious. 
 All the inevitable differences between England and 
 America (neither numerous nor striking when certain 
 facts are remembered) she set down as so many in 
 stances of hopeless degeneration and perversity. The 
 Virginians of to-day, who are much more like the Eng 
 lish people of two hundred years ago than the present
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 215 
 
 inhabitants of the great little island, might with equal 
 justice reproach the latter with having changed (as 
 they think) for the worse and lost that fine old flavor 
 of rigid conservatism and invincible prejudice which 
 true Britons and Churchmen should always preserve at 
 any cost. 
 
 The one thing that Mrs. Sykes did understand and 
 respect in America was its riches. Attentions and cour 
 tesies were worse than wasted upon her. So utterly 
 did she misinterpret the meaning of her reception, with 
 all its delicate thoughtfulness and generous hospitality* 
 that she only grew ruder, more patronizing, more in 
 sufferable, with every fresh proof of what she chose to 
 regard as her importance, until Miss Noel was thor 
 oughly ashamed of her, and Sir Eobert protested that 
 if he had known what sort of woman she was, nothing 
 could have induced him to allow her to join his party. 
 She was not sensitively alive to their disapproval, how 
 ever, and only felt herself to be making a kind of royal 
 progress through her loyal provinces, receiving the 
 homage that was her due, and dispensing such scant 
 approbation, haughty recognition, or severe blame aa 
 became her position and as the circumstances called for. 
 Still, her subjects were sometimes perverse and rebel 
 lious, as subjects have been known to be. A good many 
 people came between the wind and her nobility, and 
 nothing was ordered quite to suit her. It is just pos 
 sible, too, that in spite of her satisfaction with herself, 
 her French dresses, and her Mayfair manners, she was 
 vaguely conscious that she was by no means as popular 
 as the other members of the party. She would have 
 been less popular still if the people who were showing
 
 216 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 her, in her capacity of stranger, various attentions could 
 have heard her saying again and again, " How tremen 
 dously we are being run after, to be sure ! I was never 
 so made up to in all my life." 
 
 Other outlets for her energies soon presented them 
 selves besides social ones. Miss Noel had one day 
 wheeled a little table before her, and, with her herba 
 rium outspread on it, was -intently classifying and ar 
 ranging a new acquaintance half pansy, half violet 
 which she was loath to crush between two stiff boards, 
 when the door opened, and Mrs. Sykes burst in upon 
 her, looking extremely animated, not to say excited. 
 " "What do you think ? Who do you suppose is staying 
 in this house ?" she said. " The most wonderful luck ! 
 You'll never guess, so I may as well tell you at once. 
 A Mormon elder from Utah ! Isn't it delightful ? I am 
 quite wild about it ! Such a chance! I shall send him 
 my card, get up some story about wishing to buy prop 
 erty out there, or something, and ask to see him. I 
 dare say there will be no trouble about it ; and I have 
 dozens of things to ask him." 
 
 " You would not do such a thing, really ?" remonstrated 
 Miss Noel. " You can't mean to have anything to say 
 to the creature. What would your friends at home say 
 if they knew it ?" 
 
 " Oh, they wouldn't mind, at all. Most of them would 
 quite envy me the opportunity. Besides, it 'doesn't 
 matter much what one does over here : it can't affect 
 one's position there," Mrs. Sykes replied. 
 
 " You will not seek the man, surely ?" said Miss Noel, 
 horrified. 
 
 "Oh, won't I, just!" said Mrs. Sykes. "I'll see him
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 217 
 
 before another twelve hours goes over my head. I may 
 go out there, you know, and he would be very useful to 
 me : so I mean to butter him up one side and down the 
 other beautifully, and play my cards so as to get asked to 
 stay at his house, if possible, and then put down every 
 thing I see. I should adore visiting a Mormon family : 
 shouldn't you ?" 
 
 " I should expect the roof to fall in upon me. Not 
 for any consideration, short of absolute necessity or the 
 clearest demand of duty, would I cross such a thresh 
 old," said Miss Noel. " I don't at all like his being here. 
 How did you hear of it ?" 
 
 Mrs. Sykes made no reply. She would not have 
 minded giving her authority, but she was already ab 
 sorbed in her prospective interview, and was maturing 
 her method of cross-examination so as to leave nothing 
 unasked that she could wish to know, or that would 
 add to the interest of her diary ; not that she adhered 
 fanatically to facts in that voluminous record, but be 
 cause truth in this case might be far more dramatic 
 than any of her fictions. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes had no British reserve, or, indeed, reserve 
 of any kind, and always interrogated everybody pro 
 miscuously that she met when she reached a place. She 
 had just learned this interesting piece of information 
 from a housemaid whom she saw gossiping and snig 
 gering in the hall as she pointed out to a sister maid a 
 tall, dark, severe-looking man of the most rigid aspect 
 who was going down-stairs. All that day she thought 
 of scarcely anything else, and she felt that Fortune 
 favored her when, the following morning, as she was 
 leaving the hotel-restaurant, she espied through an open 
 K 19
 
 218 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 door the object of her deepest interest, reading the 
 papers in a small parlor opening into the passage she 
 was traversing. Without a moment's indecision, she 
 walked into the room. " Excuse me intruding like this," 
 she said briskly. " Here is my card. I am travelling 
 in America, and I wish to talk with you particularly, 
 if you are not too much engaged." 
 
 The gentleman whom she addressed looked at the 
 card, and bowed stiffly as he said, in a sepulchral sort 
 of voice, " Be seated, madam : I am at your service." 
 
 " I have heard of you," Mrs. Sykes began, " and I 
 have been curious to meet you." 
 
 The stranger bowed solemnly again and unbent some 
 what. He wondered whether his arduous service ir 
 and devotion to a certain cause were getting abroad. 
 
 " I never was more curious than I have been to see 
 some of your people," Mrs. Sykes went on, " not even 
 the Singhalese, who reverse the thing, you know. I 
 am very much interested in them, I assure you. They 
 must be quite out of the common, the life, and all 
 that." 
 
 " If you are making any stay in this country, madam, 
 you will have every opportunity of making their ac 
 quaintance ; and I trust that you will carry back with 
 you agreeable impressions of the American people," 
 replied the stranger, with the national desire to propi 
 tiate the foreign critic. " In the course of my mission 
 ary labors I have travelled all over this country pretty 
 much, and I don't think there can be a more beautiful 
 or prosperous one in the wide world. How do you like 
 what you have seen ?" 
 
 " Oh, it's all very well, I dare say, very rough and
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 219 
 
 new, of course, and there has not been time enough to 
 ornament it yet, I suppose. But you were saying your 
 missionary labors took you about a great deal. Have 
 you had much success ? Is that what you are doing 
 here ? I should think that you would do better in the 
 poorer parts, among more ignorant people; at least I 
 have been informed so," said Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 " I have done very well in Washington, far better 
 than I had thought at all likely. I have secured in a 
 month's stay over two hundred names. It is true that 
 the wealthy do not respond to the call as the earnest 
 of more moderate means, often the poor, do ; but still 
 I have no reason to feel discouraged, and I would like 
 to say to you " 
 
 The stranger was interrupted by what he felt to be a 
 rude and frivolous demonstration on the English lady's 
 part. Mrs. Sykes had thrown herself back on the sofa, 
 and she laughed unrestrainedly as he spoke. 
 
 " It is no sort of use appealing to me ; none whatever," 
 she said, and laughed afresh. " What fun it will be to 
 tell them of it at home !" she thought. 
 
 " Very well. I never intrude myself upon persons 
 who are prejudiced against the cause. It is useless, and 
 does more harm than good," said the stranger, with 
 dignity. 
 
 " Quite so," agreed Mrs. Sykes. " And, now that 
 there is no question of making a ' 'vert,' I should like 
 to ask you a few questions immensely. I suppose yours 
 is very flourishing society, and gaining in numbers and 
 influence every day ?" 
 
 " It is, I am glad to say." 
 
 " And you don't think it a shame and a scandal to be
 
 220 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 running about the country on such an errand ? You 
 feel that you are doing religion a service, e.h ?" 
 
 " Certainly ; most certainly. How could I think any 
 thing else ? How could anybody ?" 
 
 " Well, that is a matter of opinion, you knoAv," said 
 Mrs. Sykes. " A good many people disagree with you. 
 You are married, of course ?" 
 
 "I am a widower, madam," replied the lugubrious 
 one, much surprised. 
 
 " Not much of one, I suppose," said Mrs. Sykes viva 
 ciously. " You will be taking another in that one's 
 place shortly, shall you not? How many have you 
 had?" 
 
 " I lost my all a few months ago. I shall not marry 
 again," affirmed the stranger, with decision, wondering 
 whether the lady before him " could possibly well, ex 
 actly " He did not frame the thought more clearly. 
 
 " You don't you can't mean to say that you have 
 only had one wife ?" exclaimed Mrs. Sykes, feeling it 
 impossible that she should be so grossly defrauded. 
 
 "Two, madam.' Both dead now," sighed the unfor 
 tunate husband. "Amiable, excellent women, both of 
 them, helpmates in the truest sense of the word, but 
 gone now, gone to the better country." 
 
 " Only two f Why, I thought you would have had 
 at least a dozen!" expostulated Mrs. Sykes in a most 
 aggrieved voice, deprived of an expected sensation. 
 
 " A dozen, madam ! May I ask what you mean by 
 uch an extraordinary speech ?" demanded the stranger. 
 
 "Extraordinary? Not extraordinary at all. Aren't 
 yon a Mormon elder, Elder Stebbins, from Salt Lake, 
 pray ?" replied Mrs. Sykes, with spirit.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 221 
 
 " No, madam. Permit me to inform you that I am 
 nothing of the sort ; nothing of the sort, madam. I 
 am the agent of the American Tract Society, madam, 
 and a Presbyterian minister," said the stranger, with 
 heat. 
 
 " How very tiresome ! How disappointing ! Why 
 didn't you say so at once ?" exclaimed Mrs. Sykes, in 
 dignant as at a deception attempted instead of an 
 impertinence achieved ; and, without a word of explana 
 tion or apology, she swept out of the room, leaving a 
 highly respectable member of society almost paralyzed 
 by the interview. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes's sense of humor was not strong ; but when 
 her vexation had worn off at the untoward result of 
 investigations conducted in a perfectly business-like 
 spirit, she related amusingly enough to her companions 
 her late adventure. " To think of my having got hold 
 of a ' meenister' of the Kirk, a dreadful old tombstone 
 of a man, and bored myself like that, and wasted all 
 that time ! It is really too provoking, and yet, in a 
 way, laughable," she said. 
 
 " I hope you mean to write him a note of apology. 
 He must have been scandalized ; and no wonder," sug 
 gested Miss Noel. " You owe it to him, really. Pray 
 do it at once." 
 
 " Oh, dear, no ; I shan't bother about him any more. 
 But how can I get to see the other one? I had rather 
 it seemed accidental, if it can be managed," replied 
 Mrs. Sykes reflectively. 
 
 So well did she apply herself to this problem that, 
 aided by Mr. Many, she conceived and carried out that 
 very day a plan for seating herself at the same table 
 
 19*
 
 222 OAT BOTH SIDES. 
 
 with the elder, fell most casually into conversation with 
 him, and displayed some ingenuity as well as exercised 
 unusual self-restraint in making her inquiries. But, 
 alas ! she was not the first person who had tried this 
 little game. The saint, a very commonplace-looking 
 person, answered politely enough the initial questions 
 about the climate, scenery, and industries of Utah ; but 
 when, warming with her subject, Mrs. Sykes fired a 
 whole group of interrogation-points at him, all bearing 
 directly upon his most private and personal affairs and 
 peculiar religious views, the elder quietly informed her 
 that he made it a point never to gratify gentile curiosity 
 about his domestic arrangements, and, without further 
 ceremony, left the room, to her great disgust. 
 
 " It doesn't signify in the least," she reported. " 1 
 am going out there, and trust me for finding out all 
 there is to know. But fancy his impertinence ! And 
 do you know ? it is a curious thing he spoke with 
 a Devonshire accent. I meant to ask him about it, only 
 he took himself off so suddenly." 
 
 It was a sensation for the entire party when, later in 
 the day, the elder sought out Sir Robert and announced 
 that he had been born on his estate, and had lived there 
 until he was a lad of twelve, when he ran away to 
 London and from there had eventually come to America. 
 Sir Robert with some difficulty recalled him as " old 
 Widow Pratt's grandchild ;" and the elder asked effu 
 sively after " the old place" and such people as he re 
 membered. He answered in his turn all the questions 
 put by the baronet, and offered to do the honors of 
 Utah should he come there. He also asked who Mrs. 
 Sykes was, and remarked that, she was " a rare one for
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 223 
 
 pokiu' and pryin' into other folks' business ; but he was 
 not going ' te-u' give her any satisfaction." 
 
 Before leaving, he also expressed a whole political 
 essay in his imperfect fashion. He had given much 
 cogitation to the pros and cons of expatriation, first and 
 last ; and, although no longer a British subject, he had 
 enough loyalty left to be offended and perplexed by a. 
 rumor that had reached him. 
 
 " They tell me, sir, that her majesty has written a, 
 book that can be had for fifteen cents," he said, and 
 then, after a moment's reflection, added, " It was time 
 to leave." 
 
 On the strength of the tie between them, Sir Robert 
 went so far as to remonstrate with his late tenant on 
 his faith and practice, but quite without effect. 
 
 " God bless my soul ! I can't get over it. I remember 
 him a curly-headed, rosy-cheeked little beggar, hanging 
 over the fence with his hands full of buttercups. And 
 to think of him now ! He is a precious rascal, of course, 
 but I was rather glad to see the fellow, I must confess," 
 said the baronet to Miss Noel. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes met the elder in the hall after hearing all 
 this. 
 
 " Ah, Stebbins ! Is that you ?" she said, stopping him 
 promptly and putting up her glass, as if uncertain 
 about so insignificant an identity. " Sir Robert has 
 been telling me of you. Quite a romance, to be sure. 
 Very likely I shall be out in Utah before long, and you 
 may be of service to me in some little ways." 
 
 Stebbins shuffled his feet awkwardly and blushed, 
 and then habit, the habit that is second nature, asserted 
 itself. He was no longer a Mormon elder, no longer an
 
 224 ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 American citizen ; he was just " Stebbius," "Widow 
 Pratt's grandson, " one of the lower classes," and Mrs. 
 Sykes was Sir Eobert's acquaintance and equal. 
 
 " Yery w'ell, mem. Let me know when you come," 
 he muttered, and so shuffled away, uneasy, but subju 
 gated by one blow from the lion's paw. Mrs. Sykes's 
 change of attitude had forced from him the natural, 
 involuntary tribute that an ex-private pays to a general 
 officer when his hand flies to his cap in a military salute 
 before he has time to reflect that he is out of the 
 service. 
 
 " The idea of my wasting civilities on Stebbins !" said 
 the victorious Mrs. Sykes, giving an account of the 
 way she had " sat upon" the elder, " and of his being 
 so uppish to-day. He'll not presume again, I warrant ; 
 and I'll make use of him." 
 
 "Ah, that was before the Mormon conquest," Sir 
 Eobert replied laughingly. " Stebbins may be founding 
 an aristocracy, or helping to, out in Utah, for all we 
 know. You should be careful how you offend him. 
 Curious problem that, the Mormon one, and growing 
 more serious every day, I hear. Perhaps history will 
 be talking of the Mormon conquest in earnest some 
 day. Given unlimited fanaticism and unlimited pros 
 perity, and why not ? The government does not seem 
 able to cope with it at present, from all I can gather. 
 It strikes me, looking on the surface, that it is a weak 
 administration; or perhaps the fault lies deeper, I 
 think it does myself, in the republican principles un 
 derlying it. I keep my eyes open, I observe for myself, 
 and several things have struck me. The people seem 
 to have no respect for the authoi'ities ; and that is a
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 225 
 
 bad sign. Only yesterday I heard his Excellency the 
 President grossly ridiculed by a cabman ; and having 
 occasion to get into the tram, not that I take it if I 
 have three ' blocks,' as they say here, to go, like the 
 Americans, but I was some miles off and late for dinner, 
 well, in it were two young fellows who were chaffing 
 each other all the way. And one of them said, ' Billy, 
 why don't you get yourself up in style, and wear a 
 diamond pin and a stove-pipe hat and sport a gold- 
 headed cane ?' And his friend said, ' What do you take 
 me for ? Do you take me for a member of Congress ? 
 I wouldn't be found dead in that rig. I am sorry my 
 style doesn't suit you ; but I get fifty dollars a month, 
 and I am poor, but honest, instead of coming of rich 
 but respectable parents.' I understood. Official corrup 
 tion, you see. This morning, too, when that negress 
 brought home my washing, she surprised me by asking 
 if I had any influence. ' Influence, my good woman!' I 
 said; 'what do you want with influence? Whose in 
 fluence do you want ?' ' I wants infloonce, sah. I wants 
 to get de Patent-Office washin' ; dat's what I wants in 
 floonce fur,' she said. 
 
 " A remarkable state of affairs, is it not, my dear 
 Augusta ? I was talking of it with a member of the 
 Upper House last night at dinner, and he admitted 
 that everything w r as got by political influence. He 
 seemed a good deal amused, I thought, but still there 
 was the fact. And he granted that the civil service 
 of America was not in an ideal condition. Merit, length 
 of service, and fitness for it count for very little, 1 
 judge; and the fact that the thousands of govern 
 ment employees in this place alone live with the sword
 
 226 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 of Damocles suspended above their heads, good, bad, 
 and indifferent, the public servant of three months and 
 thirty years alike, speaks for itself. It is not only that 
 they have no assured future in the shape of pensions 
 and regular promotion, but that they have no present. 
 They can make no plans, they dare not establish 
 themselves in homes that may have to be broken up 
 any day ; and they are quite as liable to be dismissed 
 for no fault as for the gravest offence. How such a 
 service manages to get or keep intelligent, conscientious, 
 and faithful servants is a mystery to me. I have learned 
 all this from a good many sources, and, wishing to 
 verify it, asked my host last night, a member of Con 
 gress with whom I dined at Waelcker's, whether my 
 information was correct. He admitted reluctantly that 
 it was. A very well informed man, an able man 1 
 should say, who would give trouble on the opposition 
 bench, but he did a most extraordinary thing ! I was 
 never so taken aback in my life. It was after dinner, 
 and I was waiting for the servant to bring me a light 
 for my cigar, when he positively drew a match across 
 the sole of his boot and offered it to me, saying, 'Here 
 you are. Go ahead.' A thing I should have discharged 
 a footman for, and very embarrassing in a host. He 
 meant nothing by it, I saw, any more than by another 
 thing later, when I asked for a glass of water, and, the 
 butler not hearing, he nodded toward me, and said to 
 the man, ' Give him some water,' in the most cavalier 
 fashion, and went on with his conversation. Just so. 
 As to matches, I see that an American will draw a 
 match anywhere. I do not think his mother's grave 
 would be safe from it."
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 227 
 
 The dinner-party to which Sir Robert alluded was 
 anything but a tame affair, and, although bo did not 
 know it, he himself had somewhat grated upon the 
 sensibilities of his host. 
 
 One of the guests, also a member (with a rabid dis 
 like to England), was not long in directing the con 
 versation into international channels, and inevitably 
 odious comparisons were soon drawn, mildly by the 
 baronet, as if it were not worth while to insist too 
 ardently upon the value, stability, and perfection of 
 English institutions, any more than upon the value of 
 the sun to the earth, strongly by the member, who 
 defended everything American promiscuously, because 
 it was American, with immense spirit, with so much 
 energy, indeed, that the glasses rattled as if in a San 
 Franciscan earthquake as he brought his fist down on 
 the table with more and more emphasis. A looker-on 
 could not but have been amused to see the two men, 
 the member burly and pugnacious, his elbows on the 
 table, one sleeve pulled up nervously a little, a clinched 
 hand, doubled up in a way to show nails anything but 
 immaculate, flushed of face, pushing away the plates 
 and glasses, and laying down the law as if it were the 
 gospel and there could be no mistake in his assertions 
 or appeal from his decisions ; Sir Robert as cool as the 
 ice that tinkled in his glass, genuinely, not affectedly, 
 indifferent, presenting a politely impassive exterior, and 
 offending far more by saying too little than if he had 
 said too much, while he imperturbably ate and drank, 
 exchanged parenthetic courtesies with his neighbors on 
 the right and left, begged pardon for the momentary 
 inattention, and displayed other advantages besides the
 
 228 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 physical one of handsome hands with nails as pink and 
 polished as a girl's. 
 
 It was not until " that quarrelsome, unpleasant fellow." 
 as Sir Eobert mentally dubbed the vehement member, 
 had poured out the last phial of his wrath that discus 
 sion or conversation became possible, and then the 
 national colors fell into the hands of " the member of 
 the Upper House," whose reserved and dignified bearing 
 had already contrasted Conspicuously with that of his 
 colleague throughout. The Senator had been listening 
 to the member with the intellectual impatience of a 
 clever man who sees a good cause weakened in the 
 defence, and was not sorry to have an opportunity of 
 setting things right. A lawyer of distinction, an 
 authority on international law, thoroughly familiar 
 with English politics, diplomacy, history, with either 
 no temper at all or one that he kept habitually on ice, 
 and an intellect of a high order, highly trained and 
 disciplined, he entered the lists with no fanfaronade 
 whatever, and dropped rather than threw down the 
 glove, as if by accident. There was no direct, intem 
 perate assault now, no apparent partisanship, not so 
 much as an insinuation that could anger. The Senator 
 was not bitter or scornful, wearisome or dictatorial. 
 He did not enter into long expositions or protracted 
 arguments. When Sir Robert spoke, he listened to 
 perfection, intelligently and quietly, interjecting now 
 and then a calm assent to some statement, or a courteous 
 objection, a brief palliative of some damaging fact or 
 explanation of a particular point. And when his own 
 turn came, he gave full and eloquent expression to his 
 views, and handled the subject with the felicity of
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 229 
 
 illustration and apt repartee of a wit, the breadth of a 
 statesman, the ease of a man of the world. The keen, 
 cool, rapier-like play of his mind, so skilful of thrust 
 and parry, so adroit of fence, so swift to see and sure to 
 pierce the weak or unguarded points, and the vigorous 
 and able resistance offered by his opponent, made the 
 conversation a delightful one, and the other men present 
 felt all the interest and fascination of such a contest, 
 and some justifiable pride in their brilliant champion. 
 Did Sir Robert arraign the Indian policy of America 
 before the bar of justice, the Senator had a Eoland for 
 his Oliver in the Indian policy of England. Did Sir 
 Eobert deprecate the possible annexation of Canada or 
 Mexico by the United States as " unpardonable rapacity," 
 and insist on the moral right of the feeblest State to the 
 preservation of its autonomy and the management of 
 its own affairs, the Senator was able to show that the 
 invariable policy of England had always been to get all 
 she could and keep all she got, and took it for granted 
 that Sir Eobert was a Home Euler. Was it a question 
 of bribery and corruption in American elections, the 
 Senator was ready with extracts from Parliamentary 
 reports and respectable English journals, showing that 
 the "right little, tight little island" was not Arcadia, 
 or Liberals and Conservatives on one side of the water 
 much purer and nobler than Eepublicans and Democrats 
 on the other. And so on with various issues and 
 questions, until a break of some kind made the talk 
 general again. 
 
 This had hardly been done when the member, who 
 was as dull as he was dogmatic, and had not been over- 
 pleased at having the part of principal in the late duel 
 
 20
 
 230 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 taken out of his hands, brought up what he considered 
 a Krupp, and, a jyropos of nothing, stated that the Eng 
 lish had blown five regiments of Sepoys from their 
 guns after the Mutiny. To this Sir Kobert deigned no 
 response whatever, but the Senator pared it down to its 
 proper proportions, and the host whisked the company 
 off on a siding by asking if Sir Robert had been to 
 Mount Vernon. Sir Eobert had enjoyed, he would not 
 say that pleasure, but that honor, and had seen as well 
 the " home of the great Virginian, Lee." 
 
 Some one now began speaking of the various Presi 
 dents and their administrations ; and, Johnson being 
 mentioned, the member expressed an ardent admiration 
 of him, and stated, with the uncalled-for emphasis that 
 characterized any expression of his opinions, that John 
 son was the " finest" President the countiy had ever 
 had, and was as " perfect a gentleman as ever stepped." 
 
 Why this particular speech should have annoyed Sir 
 Eobert rather than the others, there is no knowing, but 
 it was certainly distasteful to him. " It takes nine 
 tailors to make a man ; I don't know how many would 
 be required to make a gentleman," he said, his side- 
 whiskers bristling a little and his mouth drawn down 
 at the corners. " A man of integrity, a man of talent, 
 if you like." 
 
 " An elegant gentleman, every inch of him," insisted 
 the member, determined not to abate a jot or tittle of 
 the ex-Presid 3nt's aristocratic claim. 
 
 " You carrit mean to call the fellow a gentleman /" 
 i$aid Sir Robert incredulously, laying do\vn his knife 
 and fork and looking at the member. 
 
 " As much of a gentleman as you are, or me, or any-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 231 
 
 body!" shouted the member, and added a past participle 
 that need not be given here, and a most awful thump 
 on the table. 
 
 Sir Robert had gone far enough, he thought, a good 
 deal farther than he had intended, he knew. But he 
 hated to retreat. " Ah ! yes, to be sure," he said. 
 " Just as you please. As much of a gentleman as you 
 are, as you say. I yield the point. Here is his very 
 good health," (sipping his sherry). " Is he still alive, 
 by the bye ?" (To the Senator), " How completely out 
 of office seems to mean out of sight and mind in the 
 ^ase of Presidents ! At least we never hear of them at 
 home afterward. It is oblivion not even tempered by 
 revolution or assassination. You remember that squib 
 in ' Punch' about ' Abdul Aziz and Abdul as was' ? When 
 I was in the East " Sir Robert grew agreeably rem 
 iniscent for a while, and so got off the ground that 
 sounded so hollow beneath his feet. 
 
 Later in the evening, however, he said to the Senatoi, 
 " Talking of politicians, who is this Honorable Alfred 
 Hodges, of the State of Oheeo, that I have been reading 
 about in the papers ? He seems to be very celebrated 
 over here, though quite unknown to me. Let me see . 
 I think I have got about me a cutting from the morning 
 paper that tells of him." He looked in his pocket-book 
 as he spoke, and produced a paragraph which he read 
 aloud, and which stated that the Honorable Alfred 
 Hodges was " the equal of Clay, "Webster, Calhoun, or 
 Crittenden," that he was " a man of matchless eloquence 
 and acute mentality" as well as "adamantine princi 
 ple," that he was sweeping everything before him in 
 his own " section," and was to be the next candidate for
 
 232 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 President, although he abhorred public life and would 
 never have sought any office had he been left in the 
 obscurity so congenial to him, instead of being carried 
 forward struggling by his friends. The Senator listened 
 with a smile. Most Americans have heard these limpid, 
 artless versions of the eternal verities, and he was not 
 startled. 
 
 When Sir Robert had restored it to its place, where 
 a good many other choice items were waiting to be 
 embodied in the diary, he dryly said, " The Honorable 
 Alfred, in the first place, is not an Honorable ; in the 
 second, he is a local politician of no particular note ; in 
 the third, he is advocating with his ' adamantine prin 
 ciples' the repudiation of the State debt. That waiter 
 yonder will be President as soon as he. And as for 
 office, there is not one so mean that he would not cringe 
 to his worst enemy and deceive his best friend to get it, 
 if he could not get a better. His is the old definition 
 Politics, the art of getting a place ; Patriot, a candidate 
 for that place." 
 
 " Is that an American saying ? If so, universal suf 
 frage has " began Sir Robert. 
 
 " That is Fielding, my dear Sir Robert," replied the 
 Senator, with a bow. 
 
 The two men laughed. 
 
 " ' I owe you one,' as Dr. Ollapod would say. But 
 really, now, a gifted, powerful demagogue like that may 
 do a lot of mischief. A dangerous fellow, I should think, 
 a great orator, and so unscrupulous," Sir Robert con 
 tinued. 
 
 "He is not at all dangerous, I assure you. And I 
 never heard a more ordinary speaker. A penny
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 233 
 
 trumpet, believe me, to which no one pays much atten 
 tion." 
 
 "You surprise me! The newspaper speaks as re 
 spectfully of him as though he were a Gladstone or 
 Eeaconsfield," said Sir Eobert. 
 
 "Ah! yes. Newspapers must be newspapers, you 
 know. And politics will be politics." 
 
 "Well, say what you please about politics, for real 
 freedom and individual liberty mark you, I don't say 
 license there is no place like England," concluded Sir 
 Robert, with conviction. 
 
 Late as it was when he got back to his hotel, ho 
 found a gentleman waiting to see him, in the shape of 
 a reporter, w r ho had been instructed to " interview" him 
 and find out whether the rumor that he owned seven 
 hundred thousand acres in Wyoming, and represented 
 an English syndicate bent upon buying five million 
 acres more, was true or not ; also his opinion of the 
 Rugby Colony, its founder, and a dozen other subjects, 
 germane and foreign to it. " The representative of the 
 ' Columbia Eagle,' " as introduced by himself, was a very 
 tired and sleepy young man, who had been sitting, pen 
 gii and book in hand, for more than an hour waiting for 
 Sir Robert to come in, and who was not unnaturally 
 anxious to dispatch the business in hand as soon as 
 possible and recoup himself by a little supper and such 
 slumber as might follow. Long experience of the crass 
 dulness and almost inconceivable vanity, garrulity, and 
 rudeness of the " interviewed" (of which little account 
 is taken in estimating the crime of the unhappy re 
 porter who earns an honest living by the sweat of his 
 soul, often) may have had its effect upon the gentleman, 
 
 20*
 
 234 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 who, with a brief explanation of his mission, said, with 
 brisk, business-like directness, ' I tell you what you 
 want to do. You need not talk at all. You just answer 
 my questions, and I'll fix the rest." 
 
 It certainly would have saved a great deal of trouble 
 if the baronet had acted on this suggestion in all sim 
 plicity and sincerity. But in all that related to his 
 private affairs Sir Robert was almost as reserved as the 
 Englishman whose servant told an inquiring friend that 
 his master was dead, but did not wish it to be generally 
 known. He abhorred such English papers as were said 
 to have adopted " the American method" and dealt in 
 personalities disguised as " fashionable intelligence." 
 
 " To think that a man cannot be the heir to the 
 throne or the Premier of England without being like a 
 beetle under a microscope and having a calcium light 
 cast continually upon his home is bad enough; but 
 when it comes to describing a private gentleman's bed 
 room and telling the world that he always uses Pears' 
 soap and Turkish towels at his bath, I, for one, will do 
 something more than complain of the insufferable im 
 pertinence. I will prosecute to the full extent of the 
 law any one presuming to show me up in the publiw 
 prints before I have done something to disgrace myself," 
 he would say. 
 
 As the owner of a " show place," Sir Eobert had his 
 trials, and, in the spirit of the ancestor who had built 
 the beautiful old house in which he lived and had then 
 carved over the entrance, " Walk, knave ! what lookst 
 at ?" he had sternly forbidden his servants to admit any 
 one connected with the press, had once discharged the 
 whole staff for disobeying his orders, and had put up a
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 
 
 board in his grounds on which was inscribed, instead 
 of the usual warnings to trespassers, " No authors, edi 
 tors, reporters, or scribblers of any kind admitted here." 
 In the matter of notices he was apt to be a little eccen 
 tric, as was witnessed by another version of a prohibi 
 tion grown so stale that it is seldom heeded : " Idiot, 
 keep off the grass !" It is hardly remarkable, then, 
 that in a very few minutes after negotiations began the 
 representative of the " Columbia Eagle" was racing 
 down the street with a feverish energy born of much 
 tnward heat, and a temper ruffled almost beyond prece 
 dent, while Sir Robert was congratulating himself upon 
 " sending that chap off with a flea in his ear." 
 
 Mrs. Sykes's exquisite delicacy received a severe 
 shock when she heard of it. " Was there ever anything 
 to equal the impudence of these Yankees ?" she asked. 
 " Fancy the clerk of this 'otel trying to introduce to 
 me one of the women stopping here to-day ! I sent for 
 him to come up to me in the drawing-room, that I might 
 explain to him about sending off my packets to England, 
 and the other things to go to Canada by parcels express, 
 and having my boxes mended, that have been more in 
 jured already than in going round the world. I shall 
 have them thoroughly overhauled they have needed 
 it for some time and relined, and all that, and send the 
 bill to the railway company. Yes, a regular introduc 
 tion : ' Mrs. Arundel Sykes, Mrs. Valentine Mrs. Yal- 
 entine, Mrs. Arundel Sykes ;' they always give my name 
 in full here. I took no notice of it, of course ; but fancy I" 
 It will be seen that Mrs. Sykes, with her usual acumen, 
 had found ways of utilizing what might otherwise have 
 been a wasted force,- Mr. Maffy's gallantry.
 
 236 ON BOTH SIDES, 
 
 " I had an idea I don't know where I got it that 
 society over here would be organized on a rigidly Puri 
 tanic basis of plain living and high thinking, and that 
 I should be citizen Heathcote, as it were," said Sir 
 Eobert. " It seems, on the contrary, if not so long es 
 tablished, as well defined *A our own, and fully as luxu 
 rious and artificial; more ostentatious, I should say. 
 Americans may disclaim caste as much as they please, 
 but what of their cliques shading by remarkably fine 
 degrees from the class of which the duke was speaking 
 at the De "Witts', and the highest official class, through 
 the wholesale grocer who will not visit the retail grocer, 
 and the dress-maker who will not know the butcher's 
 wife, down to my friend the ' lady' who has got the 
 Patent-Office washing and objects to being confounded 
 with ' dose low niggers dat warn't raised by de quality,' 
 and that she ' don't have nuffin' to do wid, noway' ? I 
 don't say that I understand the system. On the con 
 trary, it is quite a mystery to me ; many of the dis 
 tinctions made seem very arbitrary, uncommonly fine 
 we should think them ; but I see that it exists. As to 
 titles, if they deny them to their own people, they cer 
 tainly do not to others. I have been more Sir-Eoberted 
 here in a few weeks than in the whole previous course 
 of my life. It is tacked to every sentence, almost. I 
 don't like it, especially in public places ; but I see that 
 they use it as the French do ' Monsieur,' and not in the 
 least from a snobbish liking for the sound, as English 
 people of a certain class would. Just so. And I can't 
 agree with you in calling them impudent, except that 
 newspaper fellow who wanted to ' interview' mo. They 
 evidently respect themselves too much not to respect
 
 ON THIS SIDE 237 
 
 others. I notice that very much. I keep my eyes as 
 wide open as possible. I wish to form just ideas of 
 the country for myself, instead of taking second-hand, 
 ready-made opinions. Its material civilization has as 
 tonished me, and cannot but surprise any European ; 
 but its social order, moral progress, and political exper 
 iments interest me far more." 
 
 " What I most notice and admire in them," said MisS 
 Noel, "is their politeness. It is most striking. I do 
 not now speak of their attentions to us, although those 
 have certainly been such as we could have had no right 
 to expect, but of their treatment of each other. I ob 
 serve that they ask of each other a thousand little ser 
 vices without any thought of being denied or rebuked, 
 and accord them as a matter of course, not as a favor. 
 It is a very unselfish and charming feature in the na 
 tional character. I was looking about in the street one 
 day in New York for the nearest pillar-post, and, not 
 seeing one, asked the first passer-by, a workingman, who 
 not only gave me the information civilly, but offered to 
 post the letter himself, which is more than a Parisian 
 ouvrier would have done, I am sure. In the tramway, 
 too, I was not only invariably offered a seat, if it proved 
 to be crowded, as a woman of the better class, well 
 dressed, might expect, but I saw with pleasure that 
 when a poor woman with a great basket or little chil 
 dren got in, or out, there was always some one to 
 help her. The general good nature and willingness to 
 oblige seem almost universal. It is not so with us, you 
 must acknowledge. We apologize elaborately before 
 making any demand upon a stranger, and he does not 
 always stop to hear our excuses, much loss the request.
 
 238 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 'Would you mind?' doing so and so, is one of our for 
 mulas for the reason that people generally do mind, and 
 don't relish being called upon to do anything or being 
 put out in any way. I am sorry to say it, but it is quite 
 true. And as for courtesies, you know, Robert, that if 
 you were caught out in the rain at home and some one 
 offered you an umbrella, you would say what should 
 you say ?" 
 
 " ' Confound the fellow ! What does he mean by 
 offering me his umbrella?' most likely," replied Sir 
 Robert laughingly. " You are right, Augusta. We have 
 got a ridiculous amount of buckram about us. But 
 when it is all taken out of us, as it sometimes is by long 
 residence abroad, there seems nothing left but a coarse 
 sieve through which nearly everything has run that 
 makes an English gentleman. And I agree with you 
 about American politeness : it is the genuine thing, and 
 not the French veneer. Have you noticed that in the 
 shops one is treated with civility, but not servility ? 
 Many of our tradesmen cringe when they must, and 
 bully when they can, in a way that is disgusting." 
 
 " I have found, so far, but one exception to this polite, 
 self-respecting behavior, and that was the other day 
 when I took my umbrella to a little shop in a back 
 street : it was my dear father's, and this is its twenty- 
 sixth new coat. After I had waited some time, a young 
 person in flaunty attire, with her hair in curl-papers at 
 noon, came in and quite shouted from the back of the 
 shop, ' What do you want ?' I beckoned to her, and she 
 at last condescended to come forward and hear what 1 
 had to say ; but she was very crusty and sullen, and 
 would hardly give herself the trouble to look for tho
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 239 
 
 stuff I required, but just turned over a few things and 
 said she was out of it. So I told her that she was not 
 likely to succeed as a shopkeeper if she behaved in that 
 way, and she got angry, and said that she wasn't a 
 shopkeeper, she was a ' saleslady, and as good as any 
 body.' It did no good, of course, and Ethel laughed 
 at me afterward for doing it, but I could not help 
 reading her a little lecture and telling her that rude 
 ness was not republicanism, and that if equality meant 
 anything it meant equal regard for the rights and 
 wishes of others on the part of individuals of every 
 class." 
 
 " As you admire everything American," said Mrs. 
 Sykes, " I suppose you noticed the dressing in the train 
 and liked that. Every other woman in a twenty-guinea 
 silk and diamonds. They evidently think of nothing 
 but dress. Even the bishop's wife at the De Witts' wa8 
 more interested in the fashions of this world, even if 
 they do pass away, than in anything else. But then, 
 to be sure, there are all those daughters of hers, six 
 of them, and the bishop with no dean, chapter, curates, 
 or so much as a private chaplain, as far as I can find 
 out, to palm them off upon in return for good livings. 
 Mr. Porter told mo all about them, and I asked her after 
 dinner if, as there was so many of them, and all plain, 
 with no private fortune, I understood, their settlement 
 in life did not weigh heavily upon her. But she seemed 
 to have no Belgravian anxieties whatever. She said 
 she never thought of it; that if the Lord intended them 
 to marry he would provide them with husbands, which 
 even in a clergyman's wife does seem to be presumption. 
 I told her that in England they would not have the
 
 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 ghost of a chance, but that men were more plentiful 
 over here, I knew." 
 
 "Why did you say that to her?" said Miss Noel. 
 " It is like your putting up your glass and looking at 
 the De "Witts' epergne as you did. You will give great 
 offence, really." 
 
 " Oh, no, I shan't ! And it doesn't matter very much 
 if I do. I shall never see any of them again after I 
 leave America," replied Mrs. Sykes calmly. " I have 
 taken good care of that. I don't mean to be overrun 
 by them when I go back, as you very likely will be. I 
 have only met two people so far that I cared to keep up 
 with, and to those I have given my proper address. To 
 the others I always give my bankers', and if I am in 
 quired for there I shall instruct them to say that I have 
 gone abroad. They come over now in hordes every 
 year, you know, and if one did not take some such pre 
 caution one would never be safe. They would be asking 
 themselves down to stay indefinitely at the most incon 
 venient seasons, and all that." Mrs. Sykes laughed 
 cheerfully over her little ruse as she spoke, but Miss 
 Noel flushed with indignation. 
 
 "You are very much mistaken if you think that," she 
 said warmly. " Indeed, you mistake them altogether. 
 You do not in the least understand them." 
 
 " I don't pretend to understand them, or like them 
 either," retorted Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 "And I, if I do not quite understand them yet, like 
 them immensely," insisted Miss Noel. And so the little 
 conversation between them, one of many, ended. Sir 
 Eobert had not stayed to hear its conclusion, having an 
 appointment with a friend to listen to an argument in
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 241 
 
 the Supreme Court, where Justice seemed to hold the 
 scales more evenly for wearing a gown, although the 
 connection between them is not always evident, as Mrs. 
 Sykes was proving at that very time. That lady em 
 broiled herself afresh that night at a party to which 
 she went, where she met Sir Robert's friend the Senator. 
 A quiet alcove and a comfortable sofa, or rather sofas, 
 made a pleasant refuge for the non-dancing and flirta 
 tious members of the assembly during the evening, the 
 former being represented at one time by Mrs. Sykes and 
 the Senator, the latter by the beau Ramsay and a belle 
 Louisianaise. For a while M^s. Sykes contented her 
 self with affable generalities, to which her companion 
 made courteous if not copious response; but, considering, 
 probably, that there had been quite enough preluding 
 done, she was soon introducing the theme of her heart, 
 her American experiences, and was expressing great 
 disappointment at not having found the magnificent 
 primeval forest that she had expected. " I have seen 
 no really fine, wide-spreading, ornamental timber," she 
 said. " Nothing that can compare with our Warwick 
 shire oaks and Gloucestershire elms, for instance. They 
 tell me here in the North that the British destroyed it, 
 and I dare say at the South they will declare that the 
 Yankees burnt it all down ; but my belief is that it 
 never existed." 
 
 The Senator gave her one of his cool, quiet glances 
 and took her measure, but only said that the early set 
 tlers in America, and their successors, had been very 
 reckless about cutting down fine trees, and added, " We 
 still have a sapling or two, though, that would compare 
 favorably even with English trees, especially in Cali- 
 
 L q 21
 
 242 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 fornia." The talk then drifted away to the timber of 
 other countries for a few minutes ; but Mrs. Sykes was 
 soon ready with two questions, unusually fine examples 
 of her powers of interrogation. 
 
 " Sir Robert tells me that you are a member of the 
 Upper House ; and I should like to ask you whether it 
 is true, as I have heard, that American politicians are 
 sadly lacking in political honesty, and have not very 
 much education, don't go to universities, and all that, 
 you understand ?" she said. 
 
 " Perfectly," said the Senator dryly. " Most of them 
 read quite fluently, EngKsh, of course, and they can 
 all cipher a little, say on the Alabama Claims and such 
 problems. As for honest men, madam, I refer you to 
 Diogenes's' experience. If that philosopher were to 
 turn his bull's-eye upon either Parliament or Congress, 
 who shall say what he would find ? You surely do not 
 mean to force me personally to reveal the crimes that 
 have disfigured my official career ?" 
 
 Question second was not to be stayed by sarcasm or 
 badinage. " There is another thing," said Mrs. Sykes. 
 " Why is it that American men are so conspicuously 
 and notoriously inferior to their wives, mothers, and 
 sisters, who are often nice, really ? Some of the pret 
 tiest and most accomplished women in American society 
 are married to such oafs and clowns !" Mrs. Sykes felt 
 that she had made the most liberal concessions to the 
 Senator's nationality in what she had said, and awaited 
 his response with what she meant for a smile and a look 
 of flattering interest. 
 
 " Ah, my dear Mrs. Sykes, there is no explaining such 
 things," said he very suavely. " I don't know why it
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 243 
 
 is, unless it is that our women can't be equalled. But 
 come, now, you surely can account for the fact -that 
 Englishmen are notoriously better looking, better 
 dressed, and better bred than Englishwomen. The 
 reason must be the same, if we could only get at it. 
 It is evidently the same law operating differently in 
 the two countries." The Senator did not really think 
 all these ungallant things, but he had intuitively under 
 stood the Sykes and comprehended that this was a case 
 in which the bludgeon and not the rapier was required. 
 He preserved, too, such an air of abstract speculation 
 that Mrs. Sykes was quite checkmated for once, and 
 could only mutter gruffly something about " an extraor 
 dinary idea." 
 
 Five minutes later the Senator had bowed himself 
 out of the alcove ; but Mr. Eamsay, who remained, had 
 overheard the latter part of the conversation, and re 
 peated it to Mr. Heathcote that night. " Nasty one for 
 Mrs. Sykes, wasn't it?" he said. "But she deserved it 
 richly. Why doesn't she keep a civil tongue in her 
 head ? She is always pitching into the Americans, and 
 I wonder they put up with it." 
 
 " She is a scrub," replied Mr. Heathcote. " I have 
 never liked her. Fetlock somewhere. Think I've 
 heard the grandfather was a corn-chandler, or some 
 thing. Awfully good-natured, kind people, these ; been 
 as nice to her as possible. That is the mistake they 
 have made. If they would ' everlastingly scrouge' her. 
 as they call it, she would behave herself, and not go 
 about with her nose in the air, giving two fingers to 
 people who are as superior to her as possible in real 
 refinement. We have got a lot of that kind of people
 
 244 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 in England, and we understand how to deal with them 
 They require to be sat upon, hard. It isn't a pleasant 
 thing to do, but it has to be done ; and how they do 
 thrive upon it!" 
 
 " I know. I hate 'em," said Mr. Ramsay. " I saw 
 Mrs. Sykes most beautifully served out, though, the 
 other day. Neatest thing I ever heard. It was at that 
 ladies' luncheon at the Rainsfords'. Gorgeous house, 
 gorgeously furnished, and nice people. I was the only 
 man asked, you know, and I was in an awful funk for 
 a while. The ladies of the President's family were 
 there : the thing was a swell affair given to them. And 
 when luncheon was ready Mrs. Sykes was standin' near 
 the door, and she pushed most rudely past everybody 
 and marched into the dining-room first, saying, ' You've 
 got no precedence in this country, and I'll just take my 
 place.' You should have seen Mrs. Rainsford. You 
 know her? Stunning woman. Looks your hat off, as 
 some fellow says. "Well, she followed her, and said, so 
 that every one could hear, ' It is quite true. Will you 
 take a seat somewhere there, near the foot of the table T 
 I was so disgusted to think she was an Englishwoman 
 behavin' like that, that I could hardly face it out, and I 
 gave her a piece of my mind afterward. I told Mrs. 
 Rainsford, too, what I thought of it, and she said, ' It 
 was very rude, but pray don't feel annoyed about it. 
 None of us can afford to bo responsible for what our 
 countrymen do. I should have enough to blush for, ] 
 know, if I made a personal thing of all the ill-bred acts 
 committed by Americans abroad. And, to tell the 
 truth, I am rather ashamed of myself for taking any 
 ootice of it.' Awfully nice of her, wasn't it?"
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 245 
 
 Mr. Heath cote agreed, and they had some further 
 talk, in which he 'asked Mr. Kamsay if he was keeping 
 a bright lookout for his future. 
 
 " Agreeable sort of place this, but I don't see any 
 thing to suit me," he replied. " You know I had 
 a lot of letters to business-men in New York that I 
 presented ; but nothing came of it. They evidently 
 took me for a counter-jumping Liverpool clerk of some 
 sort ; but I told them I hadn't come out here to slave 
 away at that sort of thing, that my intention was to 
 make a lot of money out of hand and go home again. 
 None of them seemed to know of any opening in mines 
 and things ; but they said they would bear me in mind. 
 It don't matter. Something is sure to turn up, old 
 fellow, and I'd like to have a little fling and a chance at 
 some big game before settling down." 
 
 One thing he had done in New York which he con- 
 idered to be a marvel of pioneer forethought, and that 
 was to have a richly-chased gold whistle made from a 
 design of his own at Tiffany's, on which was inscribed, 
 " Look out for the locomotive when the whistle blows," 
 a sentence that, for some reason, had fascinated him 
 at American stations and become a permanent mental 
 possession. "I shall find it awfully useful, you know, 
 out on the prairies," he explained. He had been in the 
 habit of using a plain one when driving at home, to warn 
 people that he was in the rear of them when he wished 
 them to pull aside and let him pass, or wanted to 
 attract the attention of some smock-frocked rustic and 
 get a gate opened ; but what application he meant to 
 make of it to the conditions of life in Colorado deponent 
 knoweth not. Probably there had been some delightful 
 
 21*
 
 246 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 vision of driving a team of mustangs at a dashing pace 
 across a vast plain, and whistling down buffaloes, wild 
 cattle, Indians, or whatever might be in the way. 
 
 Novel as the life of the American capital was to the 
 party, they had begun to feel at home in it, when an 
 occurrence took place just before they left the city that 
 revealed such unexpected social possibilities, such 
 heights of Democratic aspirations and depths of Eepub- 
 lican toleration, as utterly puzzled and confounded them, 
 and reduced them to the position of strangers and aliens 
 again for a time. It was this : Sir Eobert came back to 
 
 O 
 
 the hotel one afternoon when they had no thought of 
 seeing him until dinner, and announced (a VAnglaise), 
 rather than suggested, that Miss Noel and Ethel should 
 go to the President's reception, then already in prog 
 ress. 
 
 "But, my dear Eobert, how is it possible?" objected 
 Miss Noel. " Parsons asked leave of me to go off on an 
 expedition somewhere, she did not say where, but she 
 was to be with some friends she has made here ; and 
 you know how dreadfully dependent I am upon her. 
 I don't see how I could get myself up for a state affair 
 like that." 
 
 " Oh, pooh ! make Ethel see to your buttons and 
 strings," insisted Sir Eobert. " Go you must. I have 
 my reasons." 
 
 Go they did, en grande tenue, accompanied by Mrs. 
 Sykes, and squeezed themselves somehow through the 
 outlying crowd and got into line. Mrs. Sykes was their 
 pilot, and so unscrupulously and vigorously did she push 
 and elbow her way that she soon got them far ahead 
 of the irresolute or indifferent majority. They had
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 247 
 
 nearly reached the President, when they caught sight 
 of a very familiar back, the back of a lady at that 
 moment shaking hands with his Excellency, in short, 
 Parsons ! Parsons, looking quite as respectable as hei 
 neighbors, in her best black silk, her velvet bonnet, her 
 handsome Paisley shawl, but still Parsons ! 
 
 The shock to Miss Noel was so great that she fairly 
 stood still for a moment and gaped. Then she felt her 
 self pushed forward by the impatient procession, and 
 followed exactly in her maid's wake, enjoying precisely 
 the same honor, and hardly to be distinguished from 
 her, as she indignantly felt. The wave which had 
 carried her on now spent itself in ever- widening circles, 
 and she could overtake the offending Abigail. 
 
 Parsons's expression when she heard herself called by 
 name, and, turning, saw her usually gentle mistress all 
 petrified dignity and offended majesty, was a sight foi 
 Hogarth or Gilroy. Her mistress, whom she supposed 
 housed for the afternoon, her mistress at the same 
 entertainment with herself, and looking like the Duke 
 of "Wellington in petticoats ! 
 
 " You here!" said Miss Noel, a fiery spark in her 
 usually mild eyes. "You HERE, Parsons? You have 
 presumed to come HEEB ? Go home at once !" 
 
 Home Mrs. Parsons went, and Miss Noel was too 
 much upset to remain much longer. Instant dismissal 
 was the very least penalty she could think of for such a 
 flagrant liberty and impropriety. But she was a pei- 
 fectly helpless old lady in a strange country, and Parsons 
 was a model maid who had been with her for twelve 
 years. And so, after much discussion with Sir Robert, 
 her nephew, Ethel, and Mrs. Sykes, Miss Noel decided
 
 248 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 to "overlook it this time," and gave Parsons a long 
 lecture instead, to which she listened respectfully as she 
 went about her usual tasks. And then feminine curios 
 ity came in. " I can't think how it is that you were 
 allowed in. What did you think of it ? So very wrong 1 
 of you to go," she said to her a few days later. 
 
 " Yes, mem, I was allowed in, there was no trouble 
 about that; but it was no great sight, after all. I've 
 seen far finer at 'ome, when I lived in Upper Grosvenor 
 Street and used to see 'er Majesty going to the drawing- 
 rooms, and again when we fought the Russians and 
 beat them, and all London was illuminated, you re 
 member, mem. All London was up and about, and 
 Primrose '111 one blaze, and me, and Mrs. Rich, the 
 'ousekeeper, and two of the men-servants was out till 
 two o'clock. Not but that I'm glad I went, to be able 
 to say that I've shook 'ands with the President of the 
 United States, beggin' your pardon for sayin' so, mem." 
 
 " I suppose we shall be meeting Parsons wherever we 
 go now," said Mrs. Sykes. " A beautiful state of 
 affairs !" 
 
 " I don't know, I'm sure. I can't make it out, try as 
 I will," replied Miss Noel. 
 
 They did not understand the situation any better 
 when they were told that there was not one bit more 
 probability of their meeting Parsons at any other house 
 in Washington than in their own set in London. 
 
 " The Chief Magistrate's. I really can't understand 
 it," repeated Miss Noel. " If she goes there, why not 
 to other officials', everywhere ?" 
 
 " Of course you can't. You are hopelessly mixed, 
 and no wonder. The woman Mr Maffy introduced to
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 249 
 
 me the other day, if you please, was a great swell. 
 She is staying here. I met her at the French minister's 
 last night, and she turned her back on me. The wife 
 of a member of the Cabinet, and introduced to one 
 by the clerk of the 'otel! Good heavens! what a 
 f Country 1" 
 
 Y. 
 
 " IT is very odd : we have not seen any one in the least 
 like ' Yankee' Eobinson yet. I wonder what part it is 
 that they live in?" said Mr. Ramsay to Sir Robert, 
 alluding to a London actor who has been representing, 
 or rather misrepresenting, an American for some years 
 in a costume never seen on this continent and speaking 
 a dialect never heard anywhere. 
 
 " I have no idea. One would have supposed that at 
 the capital every type, almost, would be represented, 
 and a national one clearly defined. But it seems to me 
 that all the things I counted upon seeing either do not 
 exist at all or have not come under my notice ; and I 
 was not prepared in the least for America as I find it, 
 it is so different from America as I fancied it," replied 
 Sir Robert. " I have not got enough mental elasticity 
 to take it all in at once, but I see that the first step 
 toward learning anything about it is to recognize that 
 I know nothing, and that the language, unless I am 
 careful, will only help to keep me in a fog. A most 
 fruitful source of misunderstandings I find it. I really
 
 250 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 think sometimes that I should understand better if 
 French or German were spoken instead, it is so mis 
 leading to hear familiar words and terms with totally 
 different meanings attached. But all the same why 
 did that woman to whose house we went on Tuesday, 
 Pennypacker? Was that it? American names arc 
 many of them so queer that I can't keep them in my 
 head, why did she speak French to me and make her 
 daughters do the same, I wonder? I have a fair 
 knowledge of French, and answered a question or two; 
 but, seeing they were .for keeping it up, I said to her, 
 as politely as possible, 'My dear madam, you are an 
 American and I am an Englishman. Why in heaven's 
 name should we play the fool like this ?' Yet she was 
 offended. I saw that." 
 
 " She took you for a Frenchman, and so she began 
 with her ' Parlez-vous, Oui monsieur, Son soir, Au revoir. 1 " 
 (Mr. Eamsay made a rhyme of this, with his " mushew" 
 and, like his companion, spoke with an aggravated " qua- 
 tre ving-sang accent" that put him above suspicion, if, 
 as has been said, no Englishman who speaks French 
 without an accent is to be trusted. He laughed, too, 
 and exhibited the finest teeth, if not wit, imaginable.) 
 
 "Take me for a Frenchman! Stuff! Impossible! 
 If there is a thing that I thank my God for, it is that 
 I am not a Frenchman ; and no one in his senses could 
 mistake me for one," said Sir Robert. 
 
 " Can it be that quite the highest class here speak 
 that language habitually ?" inquired Miss Noel. " I 
 know they do in Russia. And I have noticed that in 
 conversation a great number of phrases from it are 
 used. In the case of that nice South-American girl
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 251 
 
 from the State of New Orleans that 1 met so often 
 everywhere it was very noticeable. You remember, 
 Ethel dear, how she rolled her r's and used French 
 idioms translated into English. She doubled all her 
 vowels in a curious way, and drawled out her words ; 
 but there was something soft and pleasing about her. 
 Not but that I liked Miss Marlowe better, she is so 
 superior ; and so is her brother, though I am almost 
 sure he doesn't like England. He always stays in Paris 
 when he is abroad, at least makes that his headquar 
 ters." 
 
 " Not like England ! God bless my soul ! What does 
 he like, then ? I should not have expected that of an 
 American. It is inconceivable that there* should be 
 such narrow-minded prejudice against the mother-coun 
 try," exclaimed Sir Robert in a disappointed tone, as 
 unconscious as his neighbors of being at all inconsistent. 
 "You should not say the State of New Orleans, Au 
 gusta, when you mean the city. Louisiana is the name 
 of the State." Sir Robert had not studied the map for 
 nothing. 
 
 " How very stupid of me !" said Miss Noel in mild 
 lament. " I was always dull about geography, even as 
 a child. It is down on my list" (taking a paper out of 
 her satchel), " I see, as a State ; but I suppose I must 
 have mixed my pins. I took black ones for States, and 
 white ones for the principal places. But you must ac 
 knowledge, my dear Robert, that it is no trifle to mas 
 ter the mere outlines. I shall never do more, I feel ; 
 for when it comes to detail, what with dozens of Wash- 
 ingtons, and villanous villes of all kinds, and Indian 
 impossibilities as bad as "Welsh ones, and then Sparta
 
 252 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 and Corinth, Athens, Eome, Yersailles, and a most mar 
 vellous jumble of places one knows already and is 
 amazed to find over here, and a great many that sound 
 like bad jokes, such as Eed Cow, and Lickskillet, and 
 Bad Axe, I really must say that American geography 
 will always be more or less of a muddle to me. It has 
 given me three bad headaches in one week ; and I can't 
 find the Amazon anywhere, try as I will, though I have 
 looked and looked, and I sure it was there when I 
 was in the school-room, for I remember going with 
 out my pudding and being kept in the house all one 
 afternoon to impress it on my mind, after missing it in 
 my lesson. I was asking that South American about 
 the native* along there being converted, and telling her 
 what an admiration I had of the missionaries sleeping 
 in the bamboo huts and living on a handful of rice for 
 years in order to Christianize and civilize them, cleverly 
 arousing their sympathies by making a black Madonna, 
 just like themselves. I forget where I read the account, 
 but I know I gave one pound ten to it and sent it as 
 a 'Protestant Christian.' And it can't have been true, 
 after all ; for she said that she was a Eoman, but that 
 she had never heard of anything of the kind in Louisi- 
 arner. She asked me if I meant the aborigines by the 
 natives ; and I said, ' Of course.' And then she said 
 they were dying out very fast, or had been sent away, 
 and were wedded to a wild life for the most part, and 
 very miserable, wretched creatures. Poor things J 
 Speaking of color, have you noticed how extraordinarily 
 the blacks resemble each other ? I can't tell one from 
 another. They all look alike. And I can't say I like 
 having them about me. It often gives me quite a tun*
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 253 
 
 when I see a black hand offering me a dish at table, or 
 when I glance up into their faces, which are really 
 alarming and look capable of everything that is bad, 
 somehow. I am not as foolish as Parsons there, though. 
 She is afraid to stay in the same room with one of them 
 alone. Eh, Parsons ?" 
 
 " They people do look that dreadful, mem, as I should 
 fear to be murdered if I crossed 'em," replied Parsons. 
 " And this precious pet" (embracing Blanche, Miss 
 Noel's cat) " won't go near 'em, coa^ as they will. It's 
 sornethink about the heye. Even the 'ead-waiter 'ad it 
 at the 'otel, though in general respectable, free with the 
 plum-cake, and willin' to bring what I harst for. I've 
 seen the same in a Hitalian I kep' company with from 
 Christmas till Michaelmas one year, w'ich he drew a 
 knife on me, and us as good as called." 
 
 " Why, that was a low proceeding for a ' Hightalian,' 
 Parsons, upon my word, and a narrow escape for you," 
 commented Mr. Heathcote jocularly. " But don't de 
 spair yet : you may get another chance, you know, over 
 here." 
 
 Miss Noel looked reprovingly at her nephew. 
 
 The decorous Parsons smiled significantly. " To tell 
 the truth, I 'ave 'ad one already, sir," she said. 
 
 " An offer, Parsons ? Really /" exclaimed Mrs. Sykes. 
 " One of our acquaintances, very likely," she added be 
 hind her fan to Miss Noel. " Who was it, pray ?" 
 
 " Tell us all about it. What did he say ?" urged Mr. 
 Heathcote. 
 
 " Yes, tell us at once," Mr. Eamsay laughingly in 
 sisted. "I'd like to know how they do the thing in 
 this country." 
 
 22
 
 254 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " How is it that I have not heard of this before ?" said 
 Miss Noel. 
 
 " Go on, Parsons. What fun !" cried Ethel. 
 
 Parsons felt herself quite a heroine, and indeed had 
 been not a little gratified by the episode. 
 
 " It was a young man, a grocer in a small way of 
 business on Heighteenth Street, mem," she said, address 
 ing herself to her mistress rather than to the company 
 at large. " And he not more than 'arf my hage. Very 
 foolish of 'im, as I told 'im ; but he wanted a settled 
 person to keep the shop, as could be trusted." 
 
 " Not half a bad thing for you, Parsons, if you like 
 boys," said Sir Robert. 
 
 " Yes, sir ; I suppose so. But it was all nonsense 'im 
 thinkin' of me. And I couldn't bear to give up the 
 old country and 'ome and friends besides. I told 'im 
 I 'ad no wish to marry in America, not if I could 'ave 
 the very President. You see, sir, I shouldn't know 
 which end I stood on ; I'd never know what my station 
 was ; and the 'abits different, and messy victuals, and 
 English not rightly spoke, and 'im a Papist, it was 
 not to be thought of," explained the obdurate fair one. 
 
 " Quite right, Parsons. I'd not live here if the whole 
 country were given me on that condition," said Mrs. 
 Sykes sneeringly. 
 
 "Stuff! What nonsense you are talking! I'd not 
 like to try you with an estate or two if I were an 
 American," grumbled Sir Robert from his corner. " I 
 Know that." 
 
 " I wonder what they are all about in Washington 
 now," said Mr. Heathcote irrelevantly. " I suppose 
 that queer genius that bored me so with his wonderful
 
 ON THIS SWE. 255 
 
 gun that he had been trying to get the government to 
 adopt for ten years, and that 'recoiled backward,' 
 strange to say, is still hanging around button-holing 
 strangers, like the Ancient Mariner." 
 
 " I remember that fellow," put in Mr. Eamsay. " I 
 used to see him at the Capitol. They called him a 
 ' crank.' Splendid word, ' crank.' My governor is one, 
 and I'm glad to get a name for him. He'll never let 
 my mother be ill in her own house. He sends her 
 straight away out of the house until she recovers, and 
 then she is allowed back. And it is just the same with 
 the rest of us, that is, it was when we were at home," 
 replied Mr. Ramsay, with an air of bonhommie. " Some 
 times we were packed off to hospitals with hired nurses, 
 and sometimes put in lodgings and a ' sister' got down 
 from town ; but out we bundled the moment we got 
 measles, or typhoid fever, or so much as a rash from in 
 digestion. My father never takes any medicine himself 
 or sees a doctor, and he says he is not going to have hin 
 house poisoned up by anybody and infested by a lot of 
 quacks. Bill and I shammed several times when we got 
 tired of being at home during the holidays, and got sent 
 off to Eastbourne or Scarborough for a fortnight. Bill 
 was a jolly old boy in those days, and we hit it off beau 
 tifully together. I can't think how it is he is so changed. 
 He hasn't done anything. He is a respectable ass enough, 
 but he has the nastiest temper I know, and is always lec 
 turing me about getting on in the world, and altogether 
 I know I was precious glad to see the last of him." 
 
 " I hate being sermonized myself. It's an awful bore," 
 said Mr.. Hoathcote. " Some people have a talent for 
 boring others. There was that dreadful woman that I
 
 256 OX BOTH SIDES. 
 
 took in to dinner the other day, who would talk about 
 the royal family, anecdotes, you know, about the 
 queen, and the prince consort, and the Duchess of 
 Kent, and what the Duke of Cambridge thought of the 
 prince, and how the prince never dared to sit down in 
 the queen's presence, and how Wales can't smoke be 
 cause his mother objects, and all that stuff. I felt like 
 asking her what the deuce it mattered to her what any 
 or all of them did ; but I only said that I knew nothing 
 about them whatever, which is true, except what the 
 papers say. I never was at court but once in my life, 
 and I had nothing to say about them. But I couldn't 
 get her off the subject for the longest while, and when 
 I did she went off upon another quite as bad, a law 
 lord that she had met abroad, and a mayor fellow, Sir 
 Peter something, that got knighted somehow. Very 
 great people she thought them. At last I thought I 
 would give her aristocratic feelings a shock, so I told 
 her that my grandfather was a Ramsgate tradesman, 
 and that my associations had been principally with my 
 mother's people, chapel people, and the very salt of 
 the earth, which I knew was more thought of in 
 America than any mere worldly distinctions. And I 
 also said that I had come over here to get a position as 
 commercial traveller. It was such fun to see how she 
 rose to it and swallowed the whole thing, hook, sinker, 
 line, and pole, and gave herself airs of social superiority 
 at once, and she an avowed republican !" 
 
 Mr. Ramsay laughed gleefully over this little fiction 
 of his friend : " Oh, she is nothing compared to that old 
 maid from Vermont that kept chasin' me up into cor 
 ners to talk about John Bright. She knew all about
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 257 
 
 him already, where he was born, and where he was 
 educated, and all that, lots more than I did. She 
 quoted from two of his speeches as pat as possible 
 about the franchise and all that, you know. I couldn't 
 think what was up, when she suddenly clasped her 
 hands and shook her curls at me, and said, ' I take the 
 deepest interest in his noble career, with all its grand 
 devotion to liberty. He has been a clear, strong re 
 former all the way through. And what a passionate 
 love of the humanities he has ! What is he doing now 
 especially ?' I told her that I didn't know at all what 
 he was up to now in the way of stirrin' up a mob, and 
 that, in fact, all I did know was that he was one 
 of those radical fellows that are tryin' to ruin England, 
 and that I'd like to transport the lot of them to Botany 
 Bay if I could. And so I would, like a shot. I says to 
 
 / / 
 
 her, ' Why, some of those chaps object to. the queen's 
 birthday bein' celebrated !' And she rolls her eyes at 
 me and says, ' If you want a royal birthday you should 
 celebrate his instead, the birthday of a royal nature, 
 instead of that of a mere royal accident. I am sur 
 prised to hear a youth, an English youth, at the very 
 period when all generous enthusiasm should glow most 
 brightly' " 
 
 " The old party was evidently punning," put in Mr. 
 Heathcote. " Go on." 
 
 " I forget the rest. Talkin' like that, she meant. She 
 talked like a book. Fancy me keepin' John Bright's 
 birthday ! I'd sooner keep Nebuchadnezzar's. That's 
 my horse. The governor named him that, he said, be 
 cause he went on all-fours and ate grass. There's some- 
 thing about it in the Bible. The governor's an awfully 
 r 22*
 
 258 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 clever fellow, you know. He is down there now. I 
 couldn't afford to keep him in town. And the governor 
 is chargin' me quite enough for his keep, too. He is 
 very near, is the governor ; in fact, an awful screw." 
 
 " How did you get rid of your old woman ?" aske** 
 Mr. Heathcote. 
 
 " Oh, she left me in high disgust. ' Have you n 
 beautiful ideals, then ? no large desires or earnest aspi 
 rations? What are your hopes and ambitions? Is 
 there nothing you would like to do ? Is there not some 
 thing you would like to be ?' she says to me. ' Yes : I 
 should like to be the best cricketer in England, or to go 
 about the world killin' big game as fast as I could load 
 and fire. That would be glorious,' I says ; ' and when 
 I've made my fortune over here I'm goin' home to hunt 
 six days in the week as long as I can sit in the saddle, 
 or be tied in, like old Lord Mainwaring, who is over 
 eighty and rides to cover strapped into place like an 
 old mummy.' She got quite excited at that, and says 
 she, ' You look as though you came off the facade of a 
 Greek temple ; and if life were an Olympic game, you 
 and such as you would be well fitted for it. But there 
 is the higher life. You should either go back to bar 
 barism and work out on a higher plane, or make your 
 electric light a coal from the altar of the gods.' Wasn't 
 it a rum speech ? ' I haven't the least idea what you 
 are talking about, I give you my word,' I says. ' Whom 
 the gods would destroy they first make deaf,' says she : 
 ' I don't suppose you do.' ' I'm not deaf,' I says : < I 
 can hear a view-halloo across a dozen fields and the 
 wind not in my favor.' ' Oh, you hopeless Philistine 1' 
 says she, and marches off. Awfully queer people, some
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 259 
 
 of these Americans. Why am I a Philistine? I am 
 nothing of the kind. I'd like to have been with Sam 
 son, though, when he took the three hundred foxes and 
 tied them tail and tail with firebrands and turned them 
 into the corn-fields. That must have been jolly good 
 fun. Such sport ! They read that in church the last 
 time I went, and I thought it uncommonly lively for 
 church, you know. Fact is, she was talkin' over my 
 head ; I saw that ; but it was deucedly queer, now, 
 wasn't it? I thought the Americans were not very 
 well educated, and "all that, but hanged if they can't lay 
 ine over! I met a girl of sixteen the other day that 
 set a lot of people laughin' at my expense. I'm not a 
 clever man, you see, and I always did hate readin'. 
 ' Which of Thackeray's characters do you admire most V 
 I shall never forgive you if you don't adore my dear, 
 dear Colonel Newcome. I have been in love with him 
 for years,' says she. ' Have you ? Really, I don't know 
 which I like best,' I says; for it was true. I didn't 
 know one from another, and the only Colonel Newcomb 
 that I know is that fellow that I see by ' Bell's Life' is 
 sellin' off his stud. Wouldn't I like to buy 'em ! She 
 was down on me again in a minute. ' No wonder you 
 can't decide between them, they are all so interesting. 
 Ah ! I see how it is : you prefer Dickens. Now, which 
 of his books do you like best ? I've read them all, over 
 and over again,' she says. I was a 'possum up a gum- 
 bush, as they say over here, then, I can tell you. But 
 the governor is awful nuts on Dickens's books, and is 
 always talkin' about them, so I thought I was all right 
 and had remembered one when I said, ' Nicholas Cop- 
 perby.' You should have seen them tryin' not to laugh I
 
 260 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 I saw I had put my foot into it, and I told 'em I had 
 been lyin' and hadn't read one of 'em, and that it was 
 no sort of use shammin'. The girl was nice about it. 
 She pinched her lips in a bit, and got very quiet, and 
 said that gentlemen didn't get much time' to read, but 
 that she was sure I would enjoy both authors when I 
 got the leisure. She didn't keep the thing up at all." 
 
 " If gentlemen can't get time to read, I wonder who 
 can ? You can put in a lot of that sort of thing out on 
 the prairies if you like," said Mr. Heathcote. 
 
 " That's it, you see. I don't like,-" replied Mr. Earn- 
 say honestly. " It bores me tremendously. But I really 
 must do a little of it some time or other when there is 
 nothin' goin' on. Macaulay's History is about the only 
 stiff piece of readin' I've ever done. My godmother 
 gave me five guineas for doin' that, and put me through 
 a toughish exam, afterward, and that impressed it on 
 my mind. I tried Plutarch's Lives the summer Haw 
 kins, my cousin, and his coach spent with us, but it was 
 awfully dull work, all those dead men, I couldn't tell 
 them apart, and the weather was fine, and fellows 
 dropped in, and we'd take a b. and s. all round, and go 
 for a walk, or cricket, or somethin', and I didn't man 
 age more than fifty pages of the stuff. The govei^or 
 was in such a wax about it, I remember." 
 
 These conversations took place in the westward- 
 bound train in which our party were speeding away 
 from "Washington, which they had left behind them 
 steeped in sunshine, the dome of the Capitol clear-cut 
 against a sky that Sir Eobert unreservedly pronounced 
 as blue as any he had ever seen in Italy. Mrs. Sykes 
 had fixed her eyes on the ugly buildings in the vicinity
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 261 
 
 instead, and complained loudly of "the intolerable 
 glare," finding that part of the city " a perfect eyesore," 
 and its chief ornament " an absurdly pretentious, badly- 
 proportioned pseudo-Grecian structure, thoroughly out 
 of keeping with its surroundings." 
 
 " Have you noticed the guard ?" Miss Noel said to 
 her when they had been under way for a couple of 
 hours. 
 
 " I never notice the guard," that lady very truthfully 
 replied, " any more than I do the engine." 
 
 " I observe faces very closely, on the contrary. It is 
 a habit I have formed, I rather think, from drawing 
 heads so much. And the lines in his face are very 
 strong. His expression, too, is so kindly and benevo 
 lent. It is not belied, either, by his conduct, as far as 
 one can judge on the surface. You see what a comfort 
 able bed he has made up for me, on hearing that I was 
 not well, with Parsons's help. He brought a couple of 
 boards and turned over a seat, and then with the wraps 
 and dressing-bag he improvised a very tolerable substi 
 tute for a couch, for which I am grateful, as my head is 
 really very bad. I see, too, that he is very thoughtful 
 in other directions. I have amused myself watching 
 him dose that poor woman at the back of the carriage. 
 Just now he made a paper windmill for that poor baby 
 of hers, that has got into such a fret." 
 
 " He is paid for all that, you may be sure. I don't 
 see anything to gush over, I must say," replied Mrs. 
 Sykes. 
 
 " I have no wish to ' gush,' as you call it, but it is 
 very nice to see how obliging he is, helping people on 
 and off the train, and carrying such quantities of bags
 
 262 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 and parcels. I can't think it is all done with an eye to 
 the money he is going to get." 
 
 " I should think not. You had better be careful how 
 you insult the American citizen who is acting as a 
 guard by offering him a tip. I got into trouble that 
 way myself the other day. He won't take it ; and it's 
 a toss-up whether he won't stop the train and put you 
 off for your pains, aunt," put in Mr. Heathcote. " I 
 really didn't believe tJbere was such a rara avis in the 
 world. I'd like to instil the sentiment into certain 
 classes at home, I know. At a place where I was 
 shooting last year I really thought of taking up a col 
 lection among the servants to pay my expenses back to 
 town." 
 
 " I can't afford to go to any but the smallest estab 
 lishments," said Mr. Eamsay. " If it wasn't that my 
 brother-in-law takes pity on me and gives me some 
 shootin' every year, I'd never get a chance at anything, 
 unless it was a cat or two among the chimney-pots. It 
 amounts to blackmail, that is what it does ; and when 
 I make my fortune and go back home I mean to dis 
 charge every servant that takes a shillin' from a guest 
 of mine, much less five or ten pounds. Lots of poor 
 devils like me haven't got it, don't you see, and can't 
 rob a church once a week. I tell you what I do to save 
 appearances at my brother-in-law's, at least what I 
 did, for I blurted it out right before the servants last 
 time, and shan't be able to repeat it. AAvfully stupid 
 of me, wasn't it? But then I am a duffer, you know, 
 and it was at luncheon, and I thought they had all been 
 dismissed. It was this : I'd borrow it of the master 
 and pay it out handsomely with a grand air to the ser-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 263 
 
 vants. Capital idea, wasn't it ? How I did haw-haw, 
 to be sure, when I looked round and saw Thomas be 
 hind my chair tryin' to look as though he hadn't heard ! 
 And what a fury my sister was in ! I'd never have paid 
 a penny to shoot there in the world. Higgs that's my 
 brother-in-law is a cotton-spinning fellow, anxious to 
 have the name of havin' good shootin', and he'd get his 
 birds down from town, and after they were killed they 
 were all sent back to Leadenhall Market. I was never 
 allowed to keep a bird, and it was only to keep my hand 
 in that I shot at all. Higgs can shoot. No doubt about 
 that. He put out his brother's eye, and has winged 
 three guests at different times. I always make him 
 keep his distance when we are out together ; and it is 
 just as dangerous to have him in the front as behind." 
 
 They were laughing over this when the conductor 
 came round on an inspecting tour. When he got near 
 Miss Noel, she stopped him. " Would you tell me if 
 we are to stop anywhere soon ? I have a severe head 
 ache, which will not be any better until I get a cup of 
 tea," she said. 
 
 "A headache? Why, that's too bad. I'm mighty 
 sorry for you. They are mean things to have, I know. 
 I'm subject to them myself. I've got some bay-rum back 
 yonder that I'll bring you presently to put on it. That's 
 about as good as anything, I reckon, for it : at least it 
 helps me. I'll fix you up some with some ice-water," 
 responded the conductor, with friendly concern. " Mj 
 wife always makes me take some with me when I start 
 out on the road, and that's how I happen to have it. 
 She looks out for me, I can tell you. As for that tea, I 
 am afraid you'll have to go without that, ina'am."
 
 2(54 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 He walked on. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes looked after him. " What an impudent 
 fellow ! To offer his bay-rum, and presume to say that 
 he was subject to them. As if anybody cared about his 
 head ! Putting himself on an equality, as far as ho 
 could, like that !" she exclaimed. 
 
 " I really don't think he meant it," pleaded Miss Noel. 
 " I think he meant to be kind. I do indeed. One can 
 see that he is just a simple, homely creature." 
 
 " Meant it, indeed ! Abominable familiarity, I call it. 
 His wife made him put it up ! A little more, and he'd 
 have grown insufferable," Mrs. Sykes protested. " Give 
 these Americans an inch and they will take a mile." 
 
 " I think it rather interesting to know that he is sub 
 ject to them," said Mr. Heathcote. " And I think very 
 well of his wife, thoughtful soul ! It will be delightful, 
 aunt, to see you anointing your poor head with the 
 guard's hair-tonic, or whatever it is. You really must 
 not be so giddy and receive such attentions from strange 
 gentlemen, or I shall tell of you when we get back." 
 
 " What am I to do ? One can't take his bay-rum ; 
 and one wouldn't for the world hurt the poor man's 
 feelings," said Miss Noel, seriously concerned as to her 
 future course. 
 
 " Couldn't you pretend to, aunt dear, and throw it 
 out of the window when his back is turned ?" suggested 
 Ethel. 
 
 "I never heard such stuff, never! Send the man 
 about his business, and rebuke his impertinence prop 
 erly," counselled Mrs. Sykes impatiently. 
 
 Miss Noel laid back her head: contention made it 
 worse.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 265 
 
 " Is your friend sick ? "Won't she have some of my 
 cologne ?" asked a lady opposite, holding out a bottle 
 as she spoke. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes stiffly declined, making a distinction which 
 conveyed no sense of difference. " She is not sick ; she 
 is ill. Her head aches," she said, with hauteur. 
 
 Miss Noel had not expected the conductor to reappear 
 for some time, or that when he did he would come from 
 another direction. He turned up, however, quite un 
 expectedly at her elbow a few minutes after this, a col- 
 lapsion cup in his hand. 
 
 " Here you are, all right. This isn't the bay-rum : 
 got this from a doctor in the next car. Here." And, 
 without further ceremony, the worthy man took up the 
 handkerchief lying in her lap, dipped it in the cup, and 
 laid it, ice-cold and grateful, on her burning forehead. 
 
 " Oh ! oh ! Eeally !" exclaimed Miss Noel, startled 
 and half struggling up ; but he was off again, and she 
 saw only the smiles of her friends. 
 
 " I wonder at you, feally ! How can you permit such 
 a thing ?" said Mrs. Sykes indignantly. 
 
 " I wasn't consulted. You must have seen that. Ana 
 really it is very grateful, very. I was -very surprised, 
 of course, very. But I don't think he meant anything," 
 Miss Noel plaintively replied. 
 
 In ten minutes more he was back again. " I dunno 
 about that cup of tea. We are behind time now. But 
 I'll see. I'll pull up if I can somewhere and hold the 
 train till I can get it for you," he said, in his slow way 
 and low voice. 
 
 " Not if we are behind time. Pray don't do that, 1 
 beg. Pray don't" remonstrated Miss Noel, a remem- 
 M 23
 
 266 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 brance of " American recklessness" and the risk of col 
 lision flashing before her. 
 
 "Lor' bless your heart! I ain't a-going to run no 
 risks. No, indeed," he replied, and shook his head 
 wisely as he walked away again. 
 
 After a bit Miss Noel sat up, and presently, when th 
 train came to a full stop, she looked out of her window 
 and saw the conductor outside. He had hurriedly 
 seized a train-boy, and was saying, " Kite it up to Col 
 onel Barlow's farm, and bring back a cup of tea, if 
 they've got it, and a slice of light bread. And hurry 
 all you know how, my son." 
 
 " Is that his son ? What a very dirty little boy ! But, 
 then, one does get such a sweep in travelling, and, 
 living on the train as he does, he can't keep himself 
 tidy," she thought. 
 
 It was not long before the conductor came beaming 
 down the aisle toward her, saying, " Here it is. Nice 
 green tea ; hot and strong. I don't drink tea myself, 
 but I know the ladies like it. I hope it'll do you good." 
 
 " Thank you very much. How good of you !" ex 
 claimed Miss Noel, who was glad indeed to get the 
 refreshment her exhausted system demanded, and 
 eagerly devoted herself to it at once. 
 
 " Not at all ; not at all," said her smiling benefactor. 
 " I like to be accommodating when I can, especially to 
 a lady." He moved off again, with a last, " Don't men 
 tion it, ma'am." 
 
 " Well, I must say that the American guard is quite 
 the most remarkable thing I've seen in the country yet," 
 commented Mr. Heathcote. 
 
 " Fancy holding a train over for a thing like that in
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 267 
 
 England!" said Sir Robert; but nobody could fancy it 
 for one moment. 
 
 " He is a kind creature, you see," said Miss Noel, 
 between her spoonfuls. "And respectful, too, in his 
 way. He said ' ma'am ;' though he neglected to touch 
 his hat." 
 
 " I've not had a hat touched to me since I landed, 
 except by the Hitchcocks' Irish coachman and English 
 footmen," said Sir Eobert. " I must really go and thank 
 the fellow, if you are sure it wouldn't do to tip him and 
 that thanks is all he will have." 
 
 Sir Robert rose, and was gone some time. " Quite a 
 character," he said on his return, dropping back into 
 his seat. " A warrior, and a bit of a philosopher, and a 
 Christian, I should think, unless he is a humbug. When 
 I thanked him, he said, ' That's nothing. You like to 
 be accommodating when you can, don't you ? I reckon 
 we wuz put here to help each other along. Life is 
 travelling all the way through for us all, and when we 
 hand in our checks we'll feel bad if we ain't done no 
 thing to help each other along. Now, won't we ? It 
 warn't no trouble for me to send up to Colonel Barlow's. 
 He's a friend of mine, an elegant gentleman. He often 
 sends down things that way.' I told him that I shouldn't 
 like to offer him money for a service of the kind ; but I 
 said it rather doubtfully, I suppose, for he said, as if 
 shocked, ' Money for waiting on a lady T and I hastened 
 to make the amende honorable. He told me he had been 
 in the Southern army ; and he's called ' Cap'n,' I notice, 
 a non-commissioned officer, perhaps ; but I don't think 
 there can be any doubt that he was in Stonewall Jack 
 son's command, and that is title enough. ' Old Bluo-
 
 268 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Lights' he called him. He boasts of having been ten 
 years in the service of this company as though it were 
 forty, and thinks it, he told me, < the greatest road on 
 the top of the earth,' which is certainly conclusive, 
 though not proved. Altogether, I was amused by my 
 talk with him ; and he was a little too ' accommodating' 
 about one thing, introductions to two or three men 
 sitting there." 
 
 " Fancy being introduced to people by the guard !" 
 Mrs. Sykes exclaimed; but this also was an effort to 
 which the English imagination was wholly unequal. 
 " I wonder where it stops ! Do bootblacks and sweeps 
 introduce their patrons to each other? Is there no 
 limit to this dreadful radicalism ? What kind of men 
 were they ?" asked Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 " Two of them appeared to be gentlemen ; the third 
 looked to be a respectable grazier, or something of that 
 sort," said Sir Kobert. 
 
 As a matter of fact, the two " gentlemen" were a 
 couple of clean-looking, well-dressed, side-whiskered 
 Boston drummers, with handsome portmanteaus con 
 taining " samples," light overcoats, velvet caps, and an 
 easy air of proprietorship of the train and lordly su 
 periority to their fellow-passengers that had not been 
 without its eifect, while the " grazier" was a judge of 
 the Supreme Court of the State through which he was 
 passing, a man of property and influence, whose address 
 was better than his dress, fortunately, and whose repu 
 tation could stand the clothes-test when it was applied 
 to him, though it never occurred to him that such a 
 test would be applied, much less that he might with 
 advantage give a little more time and thought to the
 
 0^ THIS SIDE. 269 
 
 adornment of the outer man. The caps aroused Sir 
 Robert's envy. " So stupid of me not to have provided 
 mj'self with something of the sort. This stiff hat of 
 mine is not the thing at all for these long journeys. I 
 wonder Let me see," said he. And, opening his 
 Gladstone bag, he presently fished out a white cotton 
 night-cap with a red tassel, and, putting it on, settled 
 himself for a nap, saying, " Yery comfortable substitute, 
 very. I wonder I did not think of it before." 
 
 He did not see the ripple of amusement that ran 
 through the car over this incongruous addition to the 
 toilet of a highly-respectable elderly gentleman; but 
 it would have made no difference if he had. He had 
 not given a thought to its effect on his fellow-travellers, 
 but would have been quite indifferent to any such ex 
 pression of public opinion, knowing the impossibility 
 of his ever being ridiculous. 
 
 He was still asleep when they reached Point of Rocks, 
 where they were to change cars for the West. As soon 
 as they could collect their various effects, they scram 
 bled down the steps of their car, near which the con 
 ductor was standing with a lantern, the engine of tho 
 next train puffing impatiently as it pulled in alongside. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes was first, and was met by a warning 
 caution, " Mind you don't step there. This way." 
 
 Then came Miss Noel. The conductor seized her 
 arm firmly. " Be careful, grandma. Mind that broken 
 rail sticking up there," he said. And then to Ethel, 
 " Come on, young miss ;" and to Parsons, " Give me 
 them things, lady. This way. Follow me." 
 
 A general scramble ensued, after which they found 
 themselves transferred to the new train, and caught a 
 
 23*
 
 270 ON BOTH SIDES 
 
 glimpse of their "accommodating" ex-conductor climb 
 ing up the steps of the car they had vacated, with a fat 
 baby in his arms, or rather left arm, and a carpet-bag 
 in the right hand, both the property of a lady he had 
 just assisted to enter. 
 
 " He called Parsons ' my lady,' " commented Mrs. 
 Sykes, when they had somewhat composed themselves, 
 "and you 'grandma.' I told you what would be the 
 result of encouraging him as you did, instead of putting 
 him down. It is a mercy your distinguished relative 
 didn't say, ' Walker,' with his fingers spread out from 
 his nose, by way of farewell. Another time you will 
 believe me, perhaps. The impertinence of it !" 
 
 The young men, who now heard of it for the first 
 time, were exquisitely tickled by the situation, and gave 
 way to regular guffaws, and half choked in their efforts 
 to control themselves. Ethel could not help joining in. 
 Miss Noel looked what she felt, completely bewildered, 
 but attempted a faint " Perhaps it was not ' grandma,' 
 but something else. Such a civil creature as he ap 
 peared." 
 
 Sir Robert growled out something about u an impu 
 dent Radical rascal." 
 
 Parsons looked altogether unconscious, which is the 
 well-bred English " domestic's" way of taking part in 
 such scenes. At least, she did until Miss Noel's eyes 
 wandered to her, and she said, " Did you hear the man? 
 Was it that?" when she appealed in her turn. 
 
 " It was, mem. I 'card it as plain as plain. What sort 
 of a country 'ave wo got to, mem ?" she said, vague 
 alarm and vivid disgust painted on her prim counte 
 nance.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 271 
 
 " 1 don't know, I am sure," responded her mistress 
 plaintively. 
 
 There was nothing that struck them as eccentric 
 about the next guard, a severe official of few words, in 
 whom they only missed that general bouquet of subser 
 vience to which they were accustomed in men of his 
 class. Mr. Ramsay's one idea of travelling in America 
 was getting to that vague region, misty, illimitable, 
 fascinating, where there was a profusion of game of 
 all kinds, and from time to time he would hazard a 
 ;< I say, my man, we are getting out pretty fast, aren't 
 we ? Is it far from here to-^to the wild part ?" which 
 he had gleaned in Washington must not be looked for 
 immediately along the Atlantic seaboard, or a brisk " Is 
 there good sport about here, do you know ?" and felt 
 himself snubbed by the answer: 
 
 " I don't know what you mean. Are you talkin' 
 about Harper's Ferry? Some people call that wild: 
 and there was shootin' enough about there during the 
 war." 
 
 There was the usual small excitement at the Ferry 
 to see the arsenal and the exact spot where John Brown 
 was imprisoned. Sir Robert was concluding his nap, and 
 Mrs. Sykes asked of a neighbor, " What's all this talk 
 about the queen's gillie?" and was given a not very 
 lucid account of the insurrection at that spot, which 
 she afterward repeated to her companions, and from 
 which they learned how "a Southern desperado stirred 
 up the Northern whites against the blacks, and got 
 hanged for his pains." On being told by the same 
 neighbor that the scenery "'bout there" was "unsur 
 passed in the world," and implored to look out, she put
 
 272 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 her head out of the window and regarded the Virginia 
 and Maryland heights, and the rivers rippling in the 
 moonlight, for a moment, and then settled back in her 
 seat, s'aying that she knew dozens of prettier places in 
 Derbyshire alone, and that it was all nonsense talking 
 like that, a speech that greatly disconcerted the person 
 to whom it was addressed. Miss Noel, on the other 
 side of the car, and Ethel, at the next window, pro 
 nounced it "Lovely!" " So bold !" "Beautiful!" and in 
 cidentally found the suspension bridge of interest. The 
 young men found the bridge absorbing : all during their 
 brief stay they stared at it from the platform, and they 
 waked Sir Robert that he might not miss it. As for 
 the view, it was " not half bad." Parsons, like Mrs. 
 Sykes, took one glance at it, and fell to nibbling furtively 
 at a sandwich, public attention being safely diverted 
 for the time. 
 
 After this, they rolled and rattled on without incident, 
 until it became a question of disposing of themselves 
 for the night. None of them had ever taken a sleeping- 
 car before, except Sir Eobert, and they found it a pro 
 ceeding as amusing as it was novel. But a hitch arose 
 in it before many minutes, the same berth having been 
 sold by mistake to two persons, Mrs. Sykes and a nice 
 old lady from New York, going to Chicago to see a 
 daughter at the point of death. A dispute arose, in 
 which Mrs. Sykes showed an angry and determined 
 spirit and the old lady a kind of feeble violence. Each 
 insisted that she had bought and paid for that berth 
 and meant to have it, claim it who might. The con- 
 
 ' O 
 
 ductor, being summoned, could only say that there had 
 been a mistake, and he suggested that as the berth was
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 273 
 
 the lower one they could share it, a compromise which 
 could not have been more emphatically rejected if the 
 nice old lady had been a recently-recovered smallpox 
 patient. If it had rested with her, the poor old woman 
 would certainly have been compelled to sit up all night ; 
 but happily, while Miss Noel was anxiously thinking 
 of some plan for preventing this, a gentleman who had 
 overheard the discussion cheerfully gave up his bed, 
 saying that the idea of a woman of that age being 
 made to undergo such discomfort was " shameful." 
 
 When at last they were all disposed of, Mrs. Sykes 
 was not able to immediately reap the fruits of her sel 
 fish triumph, for there was in the company the peren 
 nial communicative traveller who, like the poor, is al 
 ways with us in America. This time it was a man from 
 Florida, who in a loud voice gave a full account of him 
 self in the past and present, supplemented by his plans 
 for the future, to a fellow-passenger with an apparent 
 thirst for pure detail, who asked question upon question 
 and filled any chance silence with commonplace com 
 ments that grew gradually shorter and sleepier. On 
 and on went the Floridian, until his auditors were fairly 
 desperate, telling of what he considered " good eating" 
 and what he "never could touch," of his plantation, his 
 " awranges," the average yield of the trees, the causes 
 of abnormal success or failure, and then of his wife, 
 where he met her, how he had " courted her" in the 
 teeth of opposing parents and married her " in spite of 
 the whole crowd," of how she had made " a first-rate 
 wife, no discount on her," of how he was " perfectly 
 devoted to her," and she "worshipped" him, with illus 
 trations of this fact. And then came an account of her
 
 274 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 death, that somewhat roused his tired companion, who 
 languidly asked if she was " a professin' Christian," 
 upon which it appeared that there " never was on the 
 green earth a piouser woman or one that kept her house 
 tetter." 
 
 " What was her las' words ? do you disremember 
 'em ?" asked the companion again, with revived interest. 
 
 " They was, ' Ha ! ha! ha! call in the friends!' She 
 sorter laft, you understand," said the bereaved husband. 
 " And when it come to choosin' a verse for her tombstone, 
 Brown he couldn't think of no verse except R. I. P., 
 which sounded to me disrespectful, like ' let her rip,' and 
 I couldn't, and me and him bothered over it till he sez 
 to me, ' Look here, Joe, what was her las' words ?' And 
 I told him, and he ' said that was the very thing, and 
 put that, with a weepin' willow over it, the handsomest 
 tombstone that ever you saw in all your born days !" 
 
 He was going on with some further particulars of 
 his domestic life, the appearance and peculiarities of 
 "Jane," sole daughter of his house and heart, when 
 Mrs. Sykes, who had been bouncing about in a fury 
 behind her curtains, sat up in bed, and, in a voice whose 
 raucous and excessively British accents contrasted most 
 ludicrously with those of the preceding speakers, said, 
 " Would you be good enough, whoever you are and 
 wherever you are, to keep yourself and your affairs to 
 yourself, and allow an English lady, who doesn't care a 
 pin about you, or your wife, or your daughter, or any 
 thing connected with you, to go to sleep ?" She thought 
 of and spoke for herself alone, but so admirably ex 
 pressed the general exasperation that a loud laugh foJ- 
 lowed.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 275 
 
 "Well, I never!" said the Floridian in subdued tones. 
 
 " Did you ever ?" commented his companion. 
 
 " Haw ! haw I" burst out Mr. Kamsay, and then shut 
 off his laughter so suddenly that a snort would force its 
 way out. 
 
 " Confound the woman !" thought Sii Robert, annoyed. 
 
 " Dear, dear 1 how can she make hei self so dreadfully 
 conspicuous ? I wish she wouldn't," Miss Noel remarked 
 under her breath to Ethel. Some little tittering and 
 whispering followed this outburst, but in ten minutes 
 Mrs. Sykes had gained the day, or rather night, and the 
 car was as still as a car can be. 
 
 When Mr. Ketchum went down to the Kalsing Station 
 to meet his friends, he made an early start, to be sure 
 of welcoming them, and found his clerk, Tom Price, 
 already on the ground, waiting to pick up such crumbs 
 of information as might be lying about for the early 
 bird. It was one of Mr. Price's crosses that he could 
 not see all the trains come in. 
 
 " Mornin'. How are you ?" asked Mr. Price, promptly 
 joining him. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum nodded, and responded by a curt "All 
 right." 
 
 "Pretty day, ain't it? Expecting anybody?" in- 
 quired Mr. Price, knowing as well as he did the errand 
 upon which he had come. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum nodded again, and lit a cigai. 
 
 " Which way are they coming from ?" said Mr. Price, 
 pursuing the subject. 
 
 " Washington," replied Mr. Ketchum laconically. 
 
 " Washington 1" repeate 1 Mr. Price, fixing on him his
 
 276 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 email red eyes. " Is that so ? Pleasant place, Wash 
 ington, I've heard. Ladies or gentlemen ?" 
 
 " Both, I think ; but you had better take my affidavit," 
 said Mr. Ketchum, the twinkle coming in his eye. 
 
 " Known them long ?" asked Mr. Price. 
 
 " Well, that depends," replied Mr. Ketchum. " Count 
 ing by the Pyramids, I met them yesterday ; and by 
 the dentist's chair, I have known them a thousand 
 years." 
 
 " You are joking now, ain't you ? I'm not curious 
 about it myself, but they do say in Kalsing that you've 
 got a lord coming to make you a visit, an English lord. 
 Is that so ?" Mr. Price continued. 
 
 " The lord knows that to be a pure invention," replied 
 Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "What! You haven't got anybody coming, then? 
 Fool who ? Why did you bring the big carriage, and 
 the little one, and a cart besides, and leave them ovei 
 yonder by Stites's store ?" 
 
 " I didn't say that," replied Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "You have got somebodj^ coming, somebody par 
 ticular. If he isn't a lord, what is he, eh ?" said Mr. 
 Price, in the tone of a man who has a duty to society 
 to perform and doesn't mean to be put off. 
 
 " A baronet," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "A baronet! You don't say so!" exclaimed Mi. 
 Price, with the liveliest interest, though he had no idea 
 what a baronet was, perhaps for that very reason. His 
 eyes dilated, and the next question was still more eagerly 
 put : " Where did you know him ? A baronet ! Well, 
 well ! You are not trying to deceive me now, are you ? 
 because it's no use. You are not joking?"
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 277 
 
 " No, I'm not. He is a real, genuine, simon-pure, 
 blown-in-the-bottle, send-for-circulars, none-genuine-un- 
 less-stamped-with-the-lion-and-unicorn, British baronet, 
 and no mistake," maintained Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 Mr. Price looked puzzled for a moment. His em 
 ployer was often an enigma to him. " He's a sort of 
 lord, I guess, now, ain't he ? And a friend of yours, 
 you say. Eich?" he said, pursuing his inquiries as 
 seriously as before. 
 
 . " Well, I don't know about that. He hasn't nursed 
 me through smallpox, and I never have tried to borrow 
 any money from him, if that is what you mean by a 
 friend. And I don't know what the wages of a baronet 
 are when he is at home. You'll excuse me, Tom, if I 
 step out of the witness-box for a moment now. There's 
 the whistle." Mr. Ketchum walked away briskly to 
 ward the approaching train. When he got to the last 
 car, containing his friends, Sir Robert was .already out 
 on the platform, peering through his eye-glasses, with 
 a wall-of-Troy wrinkle of anxiety on his forehead, and 
 the doubtful air of a man whose surroundings are un 
 familiar. 
 
 " Has there been a Mr. Job Ketchum " he began. 
 
 " That was my maiden-name !" exclaimed its owner, 
 and, bounding up the steps, he seized both of Sir Robert's 
 hands and shook them with the utmost heartiness, his 
 face beaming forth a welcome that required no transla 
 tion. " Well, here you are at last ! Delighted to see 
 you, all of you ! Delighted ! Where are the othera ?" 
 said he ; and the sight of so friendly a face and the 
 warmth of his cordial greeting made Sir Robert un 
 usually effusive in return. " Got you on my own ground 
 
 24
 
 278 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 iiow ; can s'jalp you at my leisure," said Mr. Ketchum, 
 describing as he spoke an imaginary circle around Sir 
 Eobert's head, and then, running an arm through his, 
 he drew him into the car, saying, " I am as glad to see 
 you as though you were my long-lost brother with the 
 mark of a strawberry on the end of your nose." 
 
 Greetings followed, and introductions, Ethel and Mis? 
 Noel and Mr. Ramsay being strangers to him. More 
 hospitable assurances followed as they left the car. 
 Mr. Ketchum was neatly dressed, but wore a crumpled 
 linen " duster ;" his hat was pushed a little back in im 
 patient protest against some question of Mr. Price's > 
 the day being warm, his face was flushed, and he fanned 
 himself vigorously with a large palm-leaf fan as he 
 talked. 
 
 Altogether, Mrs. Sykes disapproved of him, and re 
 sponded but coolly to his welcome. Her ideas of re 
 finement being purely conventional ones, she privately 
 at the time, and publicly later, pronounced him " vul 
 gar," and what she meant to be conclusively crushing 
 " so American." She asked tepidly after " Mrs. Ket 
 chum" (meaning his wife), and fell to fondling her 
 ' precious angel Bobo," paying small attention to his 
 reply, in which he explained that she had twisted her 
 ankle the day before, and that she regretted very much 
 not being able to meet them. The others were not so 
 critical, and were much pleased by the friendliness he 
 showed and the welcome he gave them. 
 
 " My shebang is around here just a step," explained 
 Mr. Ketchum. " The horses are not used to the loco 
 motive." 
 
 " You are sure you have got all the parcels, Pai-sons ?"
 
 Off THIS SIDE. 279 
 
 Miss Noel stopped to inquire, her anxiety being a chronic 
 one. 
 
 " Here, give those to ine. That bag is too heavy for a 
 woman to carry," said Mr. Ketchum, his attention thus 
 attracted to Parsons loaded down with various articles. 
 He took the heaviest from her as he spoke, and marched 
 a little in advance of the party, leading the way to where 
 the carriages stood, a handsome landau and a dog-cart 
 drawn by two pairs of beautiful Kentucky horses. If 
 there was a thing that Mr. Ketchum liked, it was fine 
 horses, and his stable boasted no less than sixteen, while 
 his coach-house sheltered a great variety of vehicles, it 
 being his favorite amusement to ride and drive. The 
 turn-outs were a surprise to Mrs. Sykes, who had argued, 
 from the careless appearance of her host, poverty. And, 
 as poverty was the only hopelessly vulgar thing in her 
 eyes, some animation and satisfaction began to dawn in 
 her manner. " What perfect beauties ! Do you give 
 them much oil-cake, that they shine so? And .those 
 dear ponies over there, with the white faces and stock 
 ings ! Eeally, it is too bad that Mabel could not have 
 come out. I hope it is nothing serious," she commented 
 affably, as she was helped into the landau, followed by 
 Miss Noel and Ethel, while Parsons was put up on the 
 box next a coachman of ineffable blackness and terrible 
 appearance from her point of view, a most harmless 
 creature, from whom she shrunk as from a gorilla. The 
 three gentlemen were standing a little apart, discuss 
 ing tbo points of the ponies, and Mr. Eamsay and Mr. 
 Heathcote, who were always laying wagers about tri 
 fling matters, had disagreed as to their height and 
 staked ten shillings apiece on the infallibility of their
 
 280 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 judgments, when Mr. Ketchum joined them. On being 
 asked about it, he gave his verdict, with the usual re 
 sult, a distaste for abstract truth on the part of the 
 loser, who determined to make accurate measurements 
 later. 
 
 " I go where beauty waits me," said Mr. Ketehum, 
 waving his hand toward the landau. " Get in, Sir Eob- 
 ert. Get in, you fellows." Then, noticing Mr. Eamsay's 
 eyes still fixed admiringly on the ponies, he said to 
 him, " Would you like to drive ? If so, go ahead ; that 
 is, if you know what you are about, as I suppose you 
 do, being a Britisher," he said. 
 
 " I should like it," said Mr. Eamsay, preparing to 
 avail himself of the permission. He had a passion for 
 horse-flesh, was a capital whip, and was longing to get 
 the ribbons in his own hands. " I don't think I sball 
 come to grief. I don't pretend to be a swell at it, but 
 I've got Heathcote here to advise me, and it is not the 
 first time," he modestly added. 
 
 "All right," acquiesced Mr. Ketchum, and, calling 
 their coachman, an immense Irishman with what his 
 master called " a six-inch smile," he gave him instruc 
 tions to get certain things in Kalsing and follow in the 
 wagon with the luggage ; after which he took his seat 
 in the landau, and they rolled away through the streets 
 of a handsome city and out into the open country be 
 yond. Mr. Ketchum was not one of those superla 
 tively-cultured, globe-travelled persons who would never 
 dream of committing such a solecism as admiring any 
 thing in an American town of modest pretensions. OD 
 the contrary, he had a natural honest pride in Kalsing, 
 and a decided interest in everything that appertained
 
 OiV THIS SIDE. 281 
 
 to it, though he was not in the habit of boring people 
 with its perfections. He found a great many things to 
 point out, the wide, cleanly avenues, watered by a 
 newly-invented machine daily, and delightfully free 
 from dust, the broad asphalt pavements, bordering them 
 the fine shade-trees, the new market, the Roman Cath 
 olic cathedral, and a dozen other features of the pros 
 perous, pleasant town, such as the gas, electric lights, 
 handsome private dwellings, the just-finished opera- 
 house that " cost a million," and so on ; all of which 
 Sir Robert was noting for himself in the rear, further 
 wondering about the city's water-supply, sewerage, fire- 
 brigade, municipal management, thinking that his pre 
 vious conceptions of the " Western wilds" would have 
 to be decidedly modified, not to say changed altogether, 
 and honestly confessing the amazing spread of civiliza 
 tion over a country so very lately, as he counted time, 
 in the possession of " a few instincts on logs, holding 
 tomahawks." The churches were not like the vener 
 able buildings whose towers and spires stood so thickly 
 together in his own beautiful island, the stones of whose 
 gray walls seem to have a prayer in every pore ; the 
 houses had not the historical, architectural, and aesthetic 
 charm of many that he could easily recall, nor the land 
 scape upon which they were now entering the mellow 
 perfection of that lovely garden, England ; but he saw 
 here, as he had done everywhere in America, something 
 better than the bloom of a great civilization, its roots 
 already vigorous and far-spreading, and, having a strong 
 love of humanity, it rejoiced him more to see evidences 
 that there was bread, work, shelter for all, than if he 
 had come continually upon a Chats worth or Alton 
 
 24*
 
 282 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Towers projected mentally against a background of 
 hovels and squalid misery. His imagination was 
 touched by the thought of the future stretching before 
 a country of whose extent and resources he was getting 
 a better idea every day, and that of its people, in whose 
 conquests and triumphs he was growing to feel an inter 
 est, to whose fresh and joyous energies everything 
 seemed possible, and from whom he hoped better things 
 than merely material results, however splendid. He 
 was deep in speculation about the America of a hundred 
 years hence, when the landau drew up, and Mr. Ket- 
 chum's voice was heard calling his attention to the 
 well- wooded, fertile valley into which they were de 
 scending. " Pretty rolling country, isn't it ?" he said. 
 (" I suppose he means undulating," thought Sir Robert.) 
 " Best land in the State," Mr. Ketchum went on. 
 
 " What is the name of that beautiful stream ? Some 
 very important river, I'm sure, whose name I ought to 
 know without being told, to judge from its appearance," 
 said Miss Noel. 
 
 " Oh, that is a little river called the Miatomo," replied 
 Mr. Ketchum, not meaning to boast, any more than he 
 had meant to sneer when he first saw the Thames and 
 asked, " what little river that was." 
 
 " Miatomo. How very soft and pretty ! What does 
 It mean ?" asked Ethel. 
 
 " Oh, daughter of the Sun, or Sister of the Clouds, 
 or something. I forget exactly," responded Mr. Ket 
 chum. 
 
 S ; .r Eobert was about to ask what the yield of wheat 
 was to the acre, Mr. Eamsay was eager to know if there 
 was good fishing in the river, and Ethel was about to
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 283 
 
 reproach Mr. Ketclium with his indifference to the 
 poetry of its nomenclature, when Mrs. Sykes broke in: 
 
 " Why do you build those hideous white wooden 
 houses with green blinds, all exactly alike wherever 
 we go, and so inexpressibly ugly, and set in such 
 wretchedly unsightly grounds ?" 
 
 "Ahem! Those are very curious but very pictur 
 esque fences," put in Miss Noel hastily. " What should 
 I call them, now ? Timber must be very plentiful in 
 this part. And you must tell me the name of that 
 charming little brook over there, overhung by pollard 
 willows. Look ! near that copse of arbor- vitse, beyond 
 the rick-yard." 
 
 " Where ?" asked Mr. Ketchum, who had some diffi 
 culty in identifying these landmarks. 
 
 " Right away to the left of that bullfinch there, and 
 running like a mill-race," said Mr. Ramsay, pointing 
 with his whip. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum's eyes followed the direction. "Oh, 
 that! That is Hog Creek; and the one running paral 
 lel with that deep gully on the right is Snickers' Creek. 
 The fence you asked about is called a snake-fence, Miss 
 Noel," he said. 
 
 (" ' Gully :' that is a Devonshire word. I wonder 
 how it got over here ? I must look into that," thought 
 Sir Robert.) 
 
 " Is that because they afford refuges for serpents in 
 the corners ? Are there many reptiles about here ? and 
 are they very venomous ?" asked Miss Noel, raising her 
 voice purposely to drown Mrs. Sykes's murmur, " What 
 shockingly vulgar names !" 
 
 " I remember to have read such alarming accounts of
 
 284 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 the American serpents, the boa-constrictors, and coach 
 whips, and anacondas, and rattlesnakes, and a lot more 
 that I can't recollect, in the swamps and savannas. But 
 these are the prairies : we haven't come to the savannas 
 yet : so I suppose there is not much to fear. I have 
 such a horror of the creatures." Miss Noel could not 
 divorce South America from North America, though 
 Sir Eobert had read her quite a lecture on the subject 
 that very morning. She had so long mingled them in 
 a kind of mental phantasmagoria of Indians, prairies, 
 gigantic palms and tropical undergrowth, gorgeous 
 flowers and birds, terrible beasts and reptiles, that she 
 could not all at once reduce them to their true propor 
 tions and set them in the right latitude. " I really never 
 feel quite safe about insects even, out of England. I 
 dislike the whole tribe of flying and crawling nuisances, 
 gnats, midges, moths, flies, harvest-bugs, slow-worms, 
 that we have there, and of course they are much worse 
 here, and there must be others of which I know noth 
 ing. I remember to have read of your terrible white 
 ants. Have they any particular habitat ? And the ta 
 rantulas. Do you get many of those about here ?" 
 
 " None larger than a soup-plate, and their bite is not 
 instant death. You have probably heard that it is : ex 
 aggerated reports are spread about them. The patient 
 frequently recovers, though paralysis sometimes sets in 
 afterward," Mr. Ketchum replied. And then, seeing 
 that he was being taken quite seriously and the concern 
 on Miss Noel's kind face, he hastened to explain that 
 they, had nothing to fear, and that he had been joking, 
 a welcome assurance to a nervous old lady devoted to 
 botanizing. "Our aunts are not very terrible in this
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 285 
 
 courtly: it is the mothers-in-law that make us stand 
 around and look out for squalls. Mr. Ramsay ! oh, Mr. 
 Ramsay! suppose you pull ahead, now, and take the 
 lead. The piebalds seem restless. Straight ahead for 
 about a mile, and then turn to the left." 
 
 Mr. Ramsay dashed past the landau in fine Hyde- 
 Park-Corner style, saying to Mr. Heathcote, " I wish I 
 owned these little beasts and was tooling over Brighton 
 Downs or through the Park with them. This fellow 
 must have picked up a lot of money somehow. Wonder 
 how he did it ? Queer sort of chap, isn't he ? Gentle 
 man ?" 
 
 " M-m. Hardly," replied Mr. Heathcote. 
 
 " He seems a jolly sort, anyway, and knows a decent 
 horse, unless he gets somebody else to choose them for 
 him," said Mr. Ramsay. 
 
 The landau followed briskly. " How much nicer this 
 is than being shut up in that stuffy carriage ! I was so 
 crowded, and it was so hot and dusty. I thought the 
 journey would never end, and over quite the most mo 
 notonous, uninteresting country that I ever saw," said- 
 Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 The complaint of being crowded was a frequent one 
 with her, made with much bitterness, the fact being 
 that it was her practice to get a couple of seats turned 
 to face each other, and, with her boxes and bags, take 
 up the place intended for four travellers ; an arrange 
 ment in which they naturally did not acquiesce, and 
 which gave room for sundry comments on her part upon 
 the " rudeness and selfishness of the Americans. We 
 were told at Washington that we should get in an hour 
 earlier than we did ; but it scorns there is no reliance to
 
 286 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 be put upon any information that one gets here. A 
 most unpleasant journey, with a disagreeable, dirty lot 
 of people around me, too. And such a time about it 1 
 It took an hour to go twenty-five miles, in one place." 
 
 "I noticed nothing of the kind. I am sure that I 
 should have found a journey of equal length at home far 
 more fatiguing. One is so cramped there," hurriedly 
 supplemented Miss Noel. 
 
 " The mistake you made was in not letting the presi 
 dent of the road know that 3 r ou meant to travel over it. 
 He would have put a special car at your service, and 
 changed the schedule, and very likely have managed 
 the engine himself. He always does that for distin 
 guished foreigners," said Mr. Ketchum. And so entirely 
 had Mrs. Sykes convinced herself that she was a pivotal 
 centre about which all Americans would and should 
 revolve in profound humility, that she absolutely 
 swallowed in perfect good faith a statement that Mr. 
 Ketchum had supposed would reach the dullest appre 
 hension and convey the most unmistakable moral. 
 . "Oh, really!" she said. "Another time I shall re 
 member that. I didn't think of that." 
 
 " Yes, bear it in mind, do. You ought not to neglect 
 these little precautions in travelling," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " What a fine red sun !" said Miss Noel, not blinded 
 by her friend's colossal conceit, and wishing to introduce 
 another topic. " If the weather will only be so obliging 
 as to hold, I make no doubt we shall get all the sketch 
 ing we covet; and it is very lovely about here. We 
 have Been so fortunate, thus far. For twenty-five days 
 and eight hours after we landed there was no ram 
 Think of that !"
 
 Otf THIS SIDE. 287 
 
 " It may not rain quite as often as it does at home, 
 but I am sure when it does rain there is a regular down 
 pour, it fairly comes down in buckets," persisted the 
 malcontent. 
 
 " Oh, we can easily arrange that for you," said Mr. 
 Ketchum. " We" 
 
 But what his meteorological scheme for regulating 
 the American rain-fall was they never knew, for an 
 interruption came, the landau stopped, and Mr. Ketchum 
 jumped out and ran down the road. The others craned 
 their necks to look after him, and Parsons, who loved a 
 sensation, reported from the box, " Oh, there has been 
 a hupset ! They have gone down a precipice, and are 
 all killed !" 
 
 What had really happened was this. Mr. Ramsay 
 had for some time been " chaffing" Mr. Heathcote about 
 being " nothing of a whip," and the latter had criticised 
 his way of handling the ribbons, until Mr. Ramsay said, 
 " Come up here and show us how the thing ought to be 
 done, can't you ?" when Mr. Heathcote, more for the 
 fun of doing it than with any idea of the kind, took his 
 place. All went as before for a while, for Mr. Heath 
 cote was in the habit of driving his uncle's four-in-hand, 
 and knew what he was about ; but, unluckily, at a cer 
 tain point in the road they saw a wagon approaching. 
 There was a long heap of stones piled up just there, 
 intended for the repair of the turnpike, on one side; on 
 the other there was an embankment sloping down to a 
 small pool of water. There was just room by the closest 
 shave for Mr. Heathcote to get by. 
 
 " Lay you five to one that you can't pass," said Mr 
 Ramsay.
 
 288 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 "Done!" said his friend, and gave the ponies a flick. 
 
 He could have done it " easily," he always insisted 
 afterward, but that the wagoner and himself "shilly 
 shallied," Mr. Heathcote obeying the English law of 
 the road and keeping to the left, or trying to, and the 
 other man the American, but not keeping to either. 
 Result, a fall down the not very steep embankment 
 for piebalds, dog-cart, and all, the gentlemen being shot 
 into the pool like so many champagne corks. The 
 horses, after a flounder and scramble, would have bolted, 
 but the cart was on its side, a dead weight, and Mr. 
 Heathcote picked himself up with amazing promptness, 
 and, running to their heads, swung on boldly, an ex 
 ample followed by Mr. Ramsay. So that when Mr. 
 Ketchum came up he fouiwl three dripping but not 
 much injured guests, two trembling horses, a furious 
 wagoner berating an equally furious gentleman, an en 
 raged baronet abusing both roundly, a broken dog-cart, 
 and the material for as pretty a quarrel as can be 
 imagined. 
 
 Down he sprang and promptly cut the traces ; then 
 he began soothing the horses. " Anybody hurt ? Soh, 
 Punch, soh ! Soh, Judy ! How did it happen ?" 
 
 Explanations poured in so contradictory and inflamma 
 tory that there is no saying what might not have followed 
 had he not taken things into his own hand, pacified and 
 dismissed the carter, wrung a gallon, more or less, of 
 water from Sir Robert's coat, found his hat, and such 
 a hat ! and beckoned to his coachman to approach. 
 
 Ethel and Miss Noel had scrambled out, and were re 
 garding the scene with dismay. Mrs. Sykes's anxiety 
 had not been uncontrollable, and she had kept her seat
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 289 
 
 While Sir Robert, who had now got up on the road 
 again, was abusing " that confounded pig-headed idiot 
 of a nephew, who is always trying to take the very 
 spokes out of every wheel that passes him," Mr. Heath- 
 cote was explaining to Mr. Ketchum and apologizing 
 for what he had done "I have often done it before; 
 and if that blockhead had kept to the left it would have 
 been all right. But I had no right to run any risks 
 with your trap, and I beg your pardon. Whatever 
 expense " he began. 
 
 " None of that. Say no more about it. Accidents 
 will happen. Don't make yourself uncomfortable about 
 it. There is no great harm done. None of you are 
 hurt, fortunately. May I ask you to take the reins 
 there and drive the ladies home, and let Washington 
 take these horses ?" said Mr. Ketchum. " Sir Robert 
 can take my place, and Ramsay and I will walk. It is 
 not more than half a mile." 
 
 "'And this is the man that I've been telling Ramsay 
 wasn't a gentleman !" thought Mr. Heathcote remorse 
 fully ; and he blushed most furiously over his response, 
 which was not an eloquent one and yet somehow brought 
 the two men nearer than they had ever been before. 
 Mr. Heathcote declined to do any more driving that day, 
 knowing that his uncle was " too awfully riled" to ac 
 cept such a substitute for the accomplished Washington ; 
 and it was finally settled that Mr. Ramsay should be hia 
 successor. Mr. Heathcote and he had exchanged a very 
 sheepish sort of laugh when they were alone for a mo 
 ment, for several reasons, Sir Robert being at hand for 
 one. At another time, under more favorable circum 
 stances, they would have roared ; for had not Mr. Rum- 
 N t 25
 
 290 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 say, in the veiy act of shooting over the embankment, 
 cried out, " Won !" 
 
 " Keep dark about that. If my uncle knew it, he 
 would cut me off with a shilling," Mr. Heathcote, had 
 said. 
 
 And so it came about that Mrs. Ketchum, waiting on 
 the gallery for the arrival of her guests in formal array, 
 with Mrs. Ketchum senior, Mrs. Vane, and Fraulein 
 Schmidt about her, also attired with unusual care, and 
 her son and heir befrocked and curled and ribboned at 
 the last moment, so as to strike everybody dumb by hia 
 noble beauty, saw the landau roll up, and received Sir 
 Robert with Miss Noel's water-proof on, three excited 
 ladies, and a strange coachman of the handsomest and 
 most pleasing exterior. Even her phlegm was not 
 proof against such an astonishing state of affairs, and 
 she opened her pretty eyes very wide and rounded her 
 rosy mouth in wonder, and actually almost bustled 
 about for a few minutes, seeing that Sir Robert got 
 " something hot to keep the cold out," and dry things, 
 and that the others lacked for nothing. 
 
 " Would you like to lie down ? Do you feel upset at 
 all?" she asked of Miss Noel. 
 
 " No, dear, thanks ; but I'll just go up and make my 
 self a little smarter for dinner," that lady said, and 
 Mabel accompanied her, and then, having shown Mrs. 
 Sykes to her quarters, went down to welcome Mr. 
 Heathcote and her husband. She found Mr. Ramsay 
 on all-fcurs, with the boy on his back, and he scrambled 
 up on seeing her. 
 
 "Jolly little fellow this. "We are great friends al 
 ready," he said, by way of apology for the situation,
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 291 
 
 when Mr. Heathcote, too, had gone off to his room. 
 "What's his name?" 
 
 "Don't mention the subject. You are on delicate 
 ground," said Mr. Ketchum, seizing the child and thrust 
 ing him up on his shoulder. " You see, my wife wanted 
 to call him ' Eeginald Egbert Ponsonby D'Arcy,' and I 
 had a notion that I would like him to have my father's 
 name, ' Jared Elijah,' and between us we almost got up 
 a divorce-case." 
 
 " And no wonder," said his wife. " Could he expect 
 me to give him such a name ? It is not a pretty name ; 
 and, while I should be more than willing to pay hus 
 band's father any mark of respect if he were living, I 
 lid think that, as he was dead, Boy need not go through 
 life with an ugly name." 
 
 " And so we compromised, and he was baptized Jared 
 Ponsonby, and I call him ' son' for short, which answers 
 every purpose, and his mother leaves off the Jared 
 whenever my back is turned, and, I am sure, got a 
 Montmorency in the church register somehow. Eh, 
 Daisy ?" said her husband. 
 
 " Pray do not think that I would deceive husband. 
 He is jesting," explained Mabel, as though the fact 
 were not patent. " Now wo really must separate 
 there goes the dressing-bell." 
 
 Mr. Ramsay at once took himself off, leaving the 
 couple alone. 
 
 " Dear Job, where did you get that coat ? 5Tou looked 
 so nice when you left this morning. How could you 
 spoil it all with that coat? And only look at your 
 hair!" she said, in soft reproach. 
 
 ' Nothing wrong wi I h thai coat. It is a little tumbled
 
 292 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 from being rolled up under the seat, maybe, but it is 
 first-rate for keeping off the dust. And I've played my 
 last card, you know: I'm married. Sad, but true," he 
 T-eplied, pinching her round cheek. 
 
 "It is vexing, certainly. Dear Job is really hand 
 some when he takes pains with his dress ; and my 
 cousin lays great stress on such things, but still, if she 
 can't see what he is, I pity her, that is all, and I'll not 
 tease him," she thought ; and, though she had that 
 morning parted his hair and tied his cravat and gener 
 ally superintended his toilet herself, that he might 
 make the best possible impression on his guests, she 
 only called him " an incorrigible careless fellow," in a 
 tone far more musical than ireful, and begged him to 
 " rush up and make himself beautiful in just five minutes 
 by the clock." 
 
 VI. 
 
 THE Ketchums' house was the largest- of eight hand 
 some villas built by various magnates of Raising a few 
 miles out of the city, in a kind of natural park improved 
 by the most careful culture, the whole being known as 
 Fairfield. It was impossible to say what was the ex 
 tent of the grounds attached to any particular house, 
 for the reason that there were no visible boundaries of 
 any kind, the owners of the different properties having 
 agreed to share the park amicably without insisting 
 upon individual rights to the extent of building high 
 brick walls, or fences of any kind, sightly or unsightly.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 293 
 
 except such light wire affairs as might be required im 
 mediately around the houses. At the same time there 
 was individual care and taste everywhere, not general 
 neglect such as had been predicted when the experi 
 ment was first talked of. The rivalries were only 
 friendly ones about the earliest strawberries and finest 
 roses, and the effect was worthy of the clever landscape- 
 gardener in whose hands Fairfield had been placed by 
 common consent. 
 
 Instead of the aggravated jealousies and perpetual 
 dissensions which some persons had confidently declared 
 inseparable from such a scheme, there was a great 
 amount of peace and good will in the little colony. 
 Each proprietor not only improved his own place to the 
 full, but cheerfully paid his quota toward certain paths, 
 bridges, roads, and lamps intended to benefit all, and 
 seemed to take scarcely less pride in the whole estate 
 than in his share of it. A plan pronounced Utopian 
 had become an accomplished fact. 
 
 The Ketchums' house struck Sir Eobert as the son 
 of one that called for about a thousand acres at its back, 
 and, not doubting that his host had felt that earth-fever 
 that always seizes an Englishman when he has made a 
 fortune, he supposed him to have bought a handsome 
 estate and set up as a country gentleman, the ne plus 
 ultra of dignity, respectability, and everything that is 
 desirable from an Englishman's stand-point. He knew 
 nothing of the gregariousness, love of excitement, and 
 indifference to country pursuits that make such posses 
 sions seldom coveted, or, if coveted and possessed, soon 
 tired of, by American millionaires, and he was surprised 
 to see from his bedroom window the red mansard roof 
 
 25*
 
 294 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 of Mr. Brown's elaborate mansion. He met Mr. Ket- 
 chum on the steps as he was going down to the drawing- 
 room, and they walked out on the veranda, where they 
 got into comfortable chairs and fell to talking of many 
 things, of their meeting in England and the interval 
 that had elapsed, of mutual acquaintances, and a littlo 
 of what the party had been doing. 
 
 " Well, and how do you like these United ? You have 
 seen worse countries, haven't you ?" said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "Immensely, my dear fellow," replied Sir Eobert, 
 answering the first question. " I am even more inter 
 ested than I expected to be, which is saying a great 
 deal. I have not had the chance to think what I do 
 think yet. We have been so constantly on the wing 
 that it was not possible to digest the facts I have col 
 lected ; but, if I can only boast an intimate ignorance 
 of it so far, it is quite certain that I mean to know it as 
 well as any -foreigner can. Are you an American at 
 large, or primarily a Westerner and only very incident 
 ally an American ?" 
 
 " Oh, I claim the whole pocket-handkerchief; but of 
 course I hold up my corner," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " Doesn't that rather dilute your patriotism ?" asked 
 Sir Eobert, " confining yourself to one State ?" 
 
 " No American does that. We all sit on a couple of 
 States at least, take another for a footstool, and lean 
 back against the rest. We like to do our own house 
 keeping, that is all, and have a prejudice in favor of 
 managing our own affairs." 
 
 " It is all an experiment yet, you know," said Sir 
 Robert, and went on to attach a good deal of signifi 
 cance to several "dangerous tendencies," notably the
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 295 
 
 riots of the preceding year, from which he deduced 
 " agrarian outrages" and other evils. 
 
 " We are not afraid of ' agrarian outrages' or ' Molly 
 Maguires' or Communists or anything of the kind," as 
 serted Mr. Ketchum, who had listened with an indulgent 
 smile. " It is just the story of the buffalo and the fly." 
 
 " What is that ?" asked Sir Eobert. 
 
 " Oh, nothing, except that thq fly gets shaken off and 
 the buffalo goes ahead. It takes things easy, does that 
 animal, but it don't do to fool with it. Even the poli 
 ticians have found that out. When it does get its dan 
 der up, somebody is bound to get hurt." 
 
 It was Sir Robert's turn to smile when, on asking 
 about his friend's health, Job said, 
 
 " First-rate, as a rule, and mother-in-laws' stock below 
 par. But about two weeks ago I got a fine large cold 
 that has been- giving me a rough time, one of the sort 
 that makes you feel as though your head had been boiled 
 for a few weeks, and, when you have made a key-bugle 
 of your nose for a week, decides which is your weakest 
 point, and goes for it. It has been working on the 
 ulcerated root of a tooth of mine that retired from busi 
 ness some time ago as a tombstone, and I'll be hanged 
 if it wouldn't have waked the dead. It has pretty well 
 used me up, I know. I feel like a fiddle with the bridge 
 down to-day." 
 
 " I am sorry to hear that. I suppose you have con 
 sulted your medical man ?" said Sir Robert. 
 
 " H-m ! No. There is a medicine-man in the neigh 
 borhood ; but I generally do my own doctoring when I 
 require any, which isn't often," replied Job 
 
 " What is the extent of your place, if I may ask ?
 
 296 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Who is that living near you?" inquired Sir Robert. 
 " Or is it a dower-house ?" 
 
 Mr. Ketchum explained the Fairfield system to Sir 
 Kobert, who understood it well enough, but to whom it 
 was not so clear wjiy men who could afford to live in 
 any other way had agreed to it. 
 
 " But there is plenty of land around here, isn't there ? 
 Or, if you must have neighbors, why don't you fence 
 them out ?" he asked. 
 
 " Oh, I could build a wall fifty feet high, with a frill 
 of broken glass ; but why should I ? I don't want to 
 shut myself in or shut my neighbors .out. I came out 
 here to be near them," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "But you have no privacy," objected Sir Robert. 
 ' It must be disagreeable to have them prying in here 
 and using their opera-glasses on you and your friends 
 from the upper windows." (This was a novel idea to 
 Mr. Ketchum, who laughed at it.) "I don't think 1 
 should like it myself. I don't like to be part of a sys 
 tem. I like to be independent." 
 
 " There is the solar system, you know: you can't es 
 cape from that. No, I have got all the privacy I could 
 want. If I wanted solitude, I'd buy Pitcairn's Island, 
 three thousand miles from anywhere, and have the birds 
 exterminated. And of course if I found it unpleasant 
 I should go somewhere else. I have got a lot of stuff 
 about me that my wife has accumulated, and it wouldn't 
 be quite as easy to pull up sticks as it is in East Ten 
 nessee, where all you've got to do is to call the dogs and 
 shut the doors; but, still, I think sometimes I should 
 like it. Brown lives just there, the Brown you met 
 in New York."
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 297 
 
 " 1 remember. Do you like him ?" asked Sir Eobert. 
 " Pleasant family ?" 
 
 " I have always liked him ; but he has got a brother 
 living with him who is the meanest man in America," 
 said M r. Ketchum, with decision. " There are three 
 brothers ; but the third hasn't been in the family show- 
 ease for some time. He never was good for much. 
 Brown got him situations over and over again ; but he 
 was like a second-hand postage-stamp, he wouldn't 
 stick ; and at last he did something or other and had to 
 go to Mexico to look after his estates there. Brown's 
 married daughter lives with him, too ; and you have 
 met Miss Bijou. Very pleasant ladies. The eldest one 
 married unfortunately, and has got a separation and 
 come back to her father. They have got an Englishman 
 staying with them now. I haven't seen much of him, 
 but he has been grovelling at Mabel's feet for two 
 weeks." This last was intended principally for his wife, 
 who had joined them. 
 
 " How can you say such things ? How can you wil 
 fully exaggerate so?" she replied. "It isn't true, at 
 all." And then, as he rose and preceded them into the 
 drawing-room, she said to Sir Eobert, "Husband was 
 jesting. And do not suppose that I meant that he was 
 untruthful. I am quite sure that he would not tell an 
 untruth for the world. But husband rather distorts 
 things sometimes for amusement, you may have noticed 
 it, and I always fear it may be misunderstood." A 
 speech that served the baronet as a kind of nwt de car- 
 actere and interested him in his sweet, simple little 
 hostess, whom he had known only casually in Chelten 
 ham
 
 298 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 The other guests had all assembled by this time, and 
 some of them had clustered about a charming wood 
 fire that Mabel had ordered, the evening having turned 
 chilly. 
 
 " Ah. here we are. Not drowned, not hurt, and, like 
 the politicians, ' in the hands of our friends,' " Mr. 
 Ketchum said, as he caught sight of them, and, going 
 forward, he held out a hand to Mr. Heathcote and one 
 to Mr. Ramsay at the same time, saying, with the genial 
 warmth that made him an irresistible fellow to some 
 people, " I am right-down glad to have you here, I de 
 clare, all of you ; and what I want you to do is to 
 make yourselves perfectly at home and as contented as 
 you can. Mabel, this fire might be improved, I think. 
 Where is the Congressman ?" 
 
 " It is burning beautifully, dear ; and if you disturb 
 it it will very likely spark about and burn holes in the 
 rug," she said. But, as he continued to look about him 
 restlessly, she got the blower obediently and gave it to 
 him, and he, stooping down, held it up in front of the 
 fire until it was all roar and crackle, and then put it 
 away satisfied. 
 
 " A little too hot for you, isn't it ?" he said to Miss 
 Noel, who was pushing her chair back. "Getting a 
 little personal, isn't it ? Hold on. I'll fix that all right." 
 He was about to drag forward a plate-glass screen to 
 place in front of her, when the dining-room door was 
 thrown open and " dinner" was announced by Sanford 
 (the new butler, just imported from New York), napkin 
 in hand and eyes down-dropped. 
 
 Mrs. Sy kes's eyes almost bade farewell to their sockets 
 when she saw FrJiulein Schmidt's bugled head-dress and
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 299 
 
 jimp-waisted black silk disappear through the door in 
 front of her, a lank arm and wrinkled, tremulous old 
 hand so adjusted as to make it certain that she was 
 being escorted by Mr. Ketchum. There had been a 
 discussion between Job and his wife beforehand about 
 this very matter. She had wanted him to do the con 
 ventional thing, which he refused utterly. She had 
 suggested that he should make some apology or let 
 her do it, if he disliked the idea for conduct so un 
 precedented from Miss Noel's point of view, not to speak 
 of the others. Mrs. Vane had interested herself deeply 
 in it as a vital question, and, not daring to tackle her 
 son-in-law on the subject, had talked it to tatters with 
 her daughter, and had prophesied that the whole party 
 would leave the house on the following morning in 
 mortal offence. Mrs. Ketchum senior had felt it her 
 duty to tell her son that his English guests would cer 
 tainly think that he had no respect for his own mother 
 if he persisted in putting upon her a public affront, and 
 that his duty, as she had said before and would say 
 again, was to take her in to dinner. The result was that 
 Mr. Ketchum calmly closed his ears to these appeals, 
 declined to do, leave undone, or explain anything, and 
 told Mabel that she might say what she pleased to the 
 guests. Mrs. Ketchum, therefore, all soft deprecation 
 and pretty, troubled concern, had explained to Miss 
 Noel that it was " Husband's invariable rule," had im 
 ploringly " hoped she wouldn't mind," and had incident 
 ally painted her lord's portrait as a kind of domestic 
 archangel. And Miss Noel had "quite understood," 
 and not been vexed at all ; but Mabel was timid, and 
 Mrs. Sykes was very awful to her, and sho had not been
 
 JOO ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 able to make the dreadful declaration in that quarter. 
 The thought of the Sykes stare, which certainly waa 
 Gorgonian and alarming to less shy persons, and the 
 remembrance of the Sykes tongue, paralyzed this gentle 
 young person at the very door of her cousin's room, 
 and sent her down-stairs with the revelation unmade, 
 leaving her amiable relative wholly unprepared for the 
 shock that awaited her. " What's that for ?" said Mrs. 
 Sykes imperiously to Mrs. Vane, actually pointing in 
 the direction of the retreating figures. But there was 
 no time for explanation. Mabel in a few murmurs had 
 already paired the company, and they all followed in 
 their host's wake. 
 
 The dinner was a well-ordered one, as was everything 
 about the establishment; for to American abundance 
 and variety, as shown in the ample provision for his 
 household made by Job, Mabel added English manage 
 ment and thrift, and the result was a menage which even 
 their guests, accustomed to the almost military punctu 
 ality and mellow, stable comfort of the most perfect 
 domestic system in the world, found delightful. It may 
 be a pardonable digression to say here that Mabel had 
 suffered almost as much from overplentifulness in 
 America as she had ever done from undue scarcity in 
 England. She had a conscientious horror of waste that 
 made it a great moral question what she should do with 
 the enormous quantities of food alone provided by her 
 liberal-minded spouse, who had no practical experience 
 of catering and a horror of being or seeing others 
 stinted. It drove her quite wild at first to see the 
 boxes, barrels, crates, coops, that he was always sending 
 out from Raising, and her distress rented itself in an
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 301 
 
 occasional mild exclamation, "What a dreadful country 
 for waste, mamma dear !" To consume in any one house 
 all that her husband provided was impossible. She 
 could not have done it with a double staff of London 
 servants, with their five meals a day and unlimited per 
 quisites. To throw anything away, according to her 
 creed, was wicked, and, according to Mrs. Yane, would 
 certainly bring its retribution in personal want. At 
 last, happily for all parties, a solution was found of the 
 problem. A poor man, with a numerous progeny, 
 moved into a particularly hopeless-looking cottage about 
 a mile away on the Kalsing road, and that happy con 
 junction between food and mouths was effected which 
 cynics declare does not often occur, and which lightened 
 more hearts than Mabel's. 
 
 Gastronomically considered, the dinner, to which we 
 must get back, presented no very striking features from 
 first to last, unless it be accounted one that Sir Robert 
 pronounced " the ices" quite the most delicious stuff he 
 had ever tasted, and made acquaintance with pecans, 
 which he thought so well of that he may be said to 
 have become intimate with them on the spot and never 
 to have separated from them afterward, as the pockets 
 of all his coats testify to this day. Mrs. Sykes, whose 
 appetite was imme"nse, not only ate with great relish 
 of such things as she was accustomed to, but absolutely 
 made the daring experiment of trying one American 
 dish, and reported on it promptly. " It is not as nasty 
 and messy as it looks," she said to Miss Noel. " You 
 might try it, if you like, but I should say it was per 
 fectly indigestible. Still, one always likes to be able to 
 say that one has tasted the native dishes, and after 
 
 26
 
 302 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 taking birds'-nost soup, as I did in Hong-Kong, I CAD 
 stand a little of anything." 
 
 " A little of some things goes a very long way," said 
 Mr. Ketchum ; and there was something in the way he 
 said it that made Miss Noel rush into an account of her 
 journey, which 4 containing as it did the episode of the 
 conductor, completely restored his good humor. He 
 laughed over it in a way that quite surprised his wife, 
 and called out to her, " Only hear, Mabel, what dreadful 
 liberties the great American citizen has been taking 
 with the British aristocracy 1" 
 
 At which Miss Noel said, " Oh, pray don't fancy that 
 1 was really annoyed ! Do you know, I think it must 
 have been a little way of his to give nicknames ? Par 
 sons tells me that he called two children that sat behind 
 her ' Bub' and ' Sis.' I am quite sure that he meant 
 nothing, and it didn't signify : it was only a little odd 
 just at first." 
 
 This sent Mr. Ketchum off into a fresh explosion of 
 merriment, but he caught Mrs. Sykes's next speech. 
 " The impertinent man actually laid bis hand on my 
 arm, once, to attract my attention, and was most un 
 pleasantly obtrusive," she was observing to Mabel. 
 
 " Good heavens ! you don't mean it ? I wonder that 
 it was not paralyzed up to the Shoulder! Such au 
 dacity " he began, but catching Mabel's eye and seeing 
 that she was shaking her pretty head, he stopped ab 
 ruptly and offered Miss Noel a dish she had already de 
 clined. He and Mr. Ramsay then got into a conversa 
 tion about hunting and shooting, in which they talked 
 very much at cross-purposes until they found out where 
 the trouble was and defined their terms, Mr. Rameay'o
 
 O,V THIS SIDE. 303 
 
 red deer turning out to be Mr. Kctchum's elk ; the 
 European elk, the American moose ; English thrushes, 
 American robins ; English grouse, American partridges; 
 and so on. The other gentlemen were naturally at 
 tracted by topics so congenial, and a brisk discussion of 
 guns, powder, shot, camp-life, Comanche-stalking, and 
 the like, ensued that made Mr. Ramsay's eyes sparkle 
 with interest. "How I should like a shy at one of 
 those red devils !" he exclaimed. " I am going out to 
 the far West, you know. I have come over to settle 
 here, for a while at least." 
 
 " I am glad to hear that," said Job, who thought Mr. 
 .Ramsay looked the sort of man that ought always to 
 be coming down the steps of the Guards' Club, and not 
 a subduer of nature, a miner, herdsman, ranchero, pio 
 neer, but did not feel called upon to express uncalled-for 
 opinions. 
 
 " Yes, Eamsay is tired of the dry-rot of an idle life in 
 London, and is going to sit down out in the bush and 
 wait for civilization where there is only a fortnightly 
 post and he will be quite out of the reach of telegrams, 
 six men sleeping in the same tent, and that kind of 
 thing. Just so. It is a fascinating sort of life for a 
 young man. I have tried it myself, but I like my com 
 fortable arm-chair and my newspaper now. ' Tempora 
 mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis.' I envy the fellow tre 
 mendously, except when I am pitying him with all my 
 heart," said Sir Eobert, running one hand through his 
 side-whiskers and gazing benevolently, with his head a 
 little on one side, at Mr. Ramsay. 
 
 " I don't mind roughin' it. I like it," said Mr. Ram 
 say. " And I think I have brought everything that I
 
 304 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 shall need. I was afraid you'd think I was goin' to 
 give you the pleasure of my company for the rest of 
 my life when you saw what an awful lot of luggage I 
 had brought ; but it is only that I am goin' out into the 
 backwoods, where I've heard fellows say there wasn't 
 so much as a corkscrew to be had for love or money. 
 I hoped you'd excuse me bringin' it." 
 
 " Certainly, certainly : the more you bring, and the 
 longer you stay, the better I shall be pleased. But, if 
 you will let me, I'd like to see your outfit. I have lived 
 out there, and may be able to give you a hint or two," 
 said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "Have you, now? I shall be delighted I I'll get 
 into my Colorado rig after dinner and show you what 
 I'm like. Splendid get-up ! Not very nobby, you 
 know, for the Park, but quite the thing," replied Mr. 
 Eainsay beamingly. 
 
 Miss Noel meanwhile had a very full and agreeable 
 chat with Mrs. Ketchum senior about gardening, and 
 sewing, and other practical topics, and very much sur 
 prised that lady by her mastery of them, as well as by 
 her pronunciation of a certain word which she rendered 
 unmistakably as "cowcumber." Mrs. Ketchum also 
 noticed, this time with the most decided disapproval, 
 that her left-hand neighbor was taking what she con 
 sidered a scandalous amount of stimulant. Beer, sherry, 
 champagne, claret, maraschino, and chasse-cafe made up 
 a total that she had never seen a woman dispose of be 
 fore, and, although Mrs. Sykes tossed them off with 
 entire nonchalance as she had her glass filled and re- 
 
 O 
 
 filled by the butler, and did not seem in the least 
 affected by any or all of them, Mrs. Ketchum felt the
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 305 
 
 most decided uneasiness about her, and was relieved 
 when Mabel gave the signal and they all trooped back 
 en masse to the drawing-room. Here Mrs. Sykes and 
 Mrs. Vane got together on the sofa. Mrs. Vane was 
 complimented on her " cleverness" in securing a son-in- 
 law like Mr. Ketch urn for a portionless daughter, and, 
 on truthfully disclaiming any share in the marriage, 
 was playfully accused of being " deep, awfully deep." 
 Some very searching inquiries were also made by Mrs. 
 Sykes as to the amount of Mr. Ketchum's fortune 
 and the position and means of every one in the house 
 hold, and her astonishment on hearing of what he had 
 done for Mrs. Vane alone was unbounded. " It will not 
 last," she said. " I suppose it results from a temporary 
 infatuation for Mabel's pretty face; but such an ex 
 traordinary state of things can't last." Mrs. Vane found 
 just the audience she had long craved to appreciate her 
 views of Fraulein's position in the house. " A fire to 
 dress by, burning in her room all day long I Silk dresses 
 given her! Spending all her evenings with the family ! 
 Allowed the use of the carriage when she chooses ! 
 upon my word, I never heard anything like it in all my 
 life !" said Mrs. Sykes. " Has she got any hold over 
 him ? An ugly secret of some kind, eh ?" Poor Frau- 
 lein, who had shrunk up into a corner and was doing 
 some of her interminable tatting, divined from Mrs. 
 Sykes's scornful glances and short laughs that she was 
 under discussion, and was shrivelling morally under the 
 process, when Mr. Ketchum called out cheerily, " Why, 
 Mother Schmidt, where have you got, off there in the 
 cold ?" and, getting up, placed an arm-chair for her near 
 tho fire. 
 
 u 20*
 
 306 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Sir flolert was wandering aimlessly about the room, 
 takiu g in the details of an international interior, turn 
 ing over the books on the tables, the " Peerage" and 
 " Who's who," some bound volumes of the " Penny 
 Magazine," Miss Edgeworth's "Parent's Assistant" 
 and similar works, " Tennyson's Poems," along with 
 "Longfellow's "Works," "Poe's Poems," the "Innocents 
 Abroad," and a copy of the " Eed Rover," on the fly 
 leaf of which was written, " Job Ketchum, from his 
 devoted friend $1.50," the "Morning Post" and the 
 " Queen" jostling " Texas Siftiugs" and the New York 
 dailies. 
 
 The pictures and photographs, too, were eloquent 
 of the two countries, Mabel's father in his Oxford 
 cap and gown, and again "having tea on the lawn 
 with dear mamma," as Mabel put it, " and the Eectory 
 (gabled and ivy-festooned) in the background." " My 
 cousin Guy Huddlestone, taken just after he was ga 
 zetted." "Beatrice's baby that she sent home, taken 
 with her Ayah." "Canon Ponsonby and the Bishop 
 of Curds and Whey, both great friends of dear papa." 
 "Husband when he was a little boy." (A most wonder 
 ful little boy, in very long trousers and a jacket that 
 ended in the middle of his back, hair long and shiny, 
 suggestive of Rowland's Macassar Oil, parted a little 
 above the left ear, chubby hands clasped as if in prayer, 
 eyes rolled up to match, considered " perfectly sweet," 
 when taken.) " Husband at school, a half-grown lad." 
 "Husband, 1aken the year he came of age." " Husband 
 in the uniform of his military company." " Husband 
 after typhoid fever, a perfect libel upon him." " Hus 
 band, done last year in New York; not as handsome as
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 307 
 
 he, but the best of all the likenesses." "Husband's 
 father." (Preternaturally solemn and mortally ugly in 
 the picture, but really a pleasant-faced, benign old gen 
 tleman.) "The ancestral home of Husband's people" 
 (a square stone house of a dear old fashion, homely and 
 human, with a devoted-couple-and-twelve-children ex 
 pression about it, the living-house of a God-fearing, 
 hard-working, rosy-cheeked, spinning, sleighing, snow 
 balling, apple-eating family, set in a grove of fine trees) ; 
 and, underneath, a silhouette of "Husband's grand 
 mother," a stately old lady, with a great deal of cap 
 and a Eoman nose. It is by no means certain that, if 
 left to herself, Mabel would not have spoken of this* 
 planet, supposing her to have occasion to allude to it, 
 as "Husband's world," and of Paradise as "the world 
 to which Husband is going." Baby Ketchum was now 
 brought in to bid good-night, and the ladies congregated 
 about him admiringly. 
 
 " Such a dear boy !" said Miss Noel. " Mayn't I take 
 him for a bit ?" She held out her arms as she spoke, 
 and was soon passing her hand gently over his curls 
 and cataloguing his charms. " Now let us see, childie, 
 who you are like." 
 
 "Oh, Husband!" said Mabel decisively. 
 
 " Really a nice child, Mabel," commented Mrs. Sykes 
 tepidly, regarding him from her seat on the sofa. " Good, 
 fresh color, nice mottled legs. He looks healthy and as 
 though he would not give trouble. What name have 
 you given him ?" 
 
 "Jared Ponsonby," said Mabel bravely, the ready 
 color mounting to her cheeks. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes looked as though she had heard of au
 
 308 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Irish Jew or a Japanese Presbyterian, but, for a world's 
 wonder, she made no actual comment : she only arched 
 her brows eloquently and expressed silently Sir Pertinax 
 MacSycophant's " Such an admixture !" 
 
 Seeing that the child was getting restless, Miss Noel 
 said, " Where are you going, and to whom ? Mammy, 
 daddy, or granny?" And the boy for answer slipped 
 off her lap, and, running across the rug, clambered up 
 on Fraulein's knee, where he was rapturously received 
 with cries of " Das herzliebste I" his curly head being 
 pressed against her heart, her broad German face beam 
 ing gratification at this little mark of preference. 
 
 Heartily was Job loved and honored by the Fraulein. 
 and she loved and obeyed Mabel without reservation. 
 But as for the child, she adored him, and was his abject 
 slave, over whom he ran like a small car of Jugger 
 naut whenever he felt the need of motion. Unconscious 
 of any sacrifice, and fully conscious of his power, he 
 had a hook in her nose before he could walk, and ever 
 after led her whera he chose, accepted her devotion as 
 his right, and repaid it with the careless regard which 
 seems the portion of the too fond worshipper the world 
 over. His grandmothers squabbled over him, corrected 
 him, and in their way loved him, but it was " Frou" (as 
 he called her) who might have been seen anxiously 
 going through her Silurian hair-trunk in search of some 
 fresh trifle to please his royal highness, he standing by, 
 overseeing the job, with her gold watch on and an ag 
 gravation of his father's restless energy. One grand 
 mother the American one had been shocked by this 
 talk of "Granny," and " Daddy," and "Mammy," titles 
 which had only a cob-pipe and patchwork-quilt associa-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 309 
 
 tion for her, " vulgar terms that it amazed her to hear 
 from the lips of an English lady," as she afterward told 
 Mabel. There had been a family discussion about some 
 other titles and what "Boy" should call his parents. 
 Mabel disliked the American variations of an old theme 
 as heard in "Mar," "Maw," " Mair" (short, with a bleat). 
 " Marnier," " Mommer," and their correlatives " Par," 
 "Paw," " Pair" (another bleat, if you please), " Parper," 
 " Popper." She was in favor, " Husband" permitting, 
 of Papa and Mama, as being more or less in vogue in 
 both countries. Mr. Ketchum objected to even this 
 compromise. The grandmothers ranged themselves 
 under one or other of these banners, did a good deal of 
 sharpshooting, and would have liked nothing better 
 than to keep the question on the hob for a year or two. 
 Mr. Ketchum, however, decided that the original air 
 should reappear for once, ad "father" and "mother" 
 became the earliest utterances of the boy, undergoing 
 only the necessary if temporary modification of 
 " farzy" and " mozzy." 
 
 But to return. Mr. Ketchum was prowling up and 
 down the drawing-ro6m, stopping occasionally to glance 
 out at what remained of a beautiful sunset, when a ring 
 came at the bell, and Sanford admitted a gentleman, 
 who could be plainly seen through the open door divest 
 ing himself of his overcoat and hat. Mr. Ketchum 
 recognized him and smiled. He had expected him to 
 call, but not quite so promptly. Elsewhere he would 
 probably have greeted him with a careless "How're 
 you, Bates ? How was the queen when you left Wind 
 sor Castle?" Or, "What did 'Wales' say in his last 
 letter?' 1 But, punctilious in his ideas of hospitality,
 
 ON BOTH SJDES. 
 
 he now advanced, shook hands heartily, and presented 
 him to the others. Mr. Bates was a tall man, whoso 
 figure was constructed on a few bold lines, as though 
 he had been a towel-horse. Mr. Ketchum once said of 
 him that when the workmen had finished building him 
 they forgot to take down the scaffolding. He was 
 dressed in the exaggeratedly British style, had an air 
 of feeble gentlemanliness, and for the rest was rather 
 a pronounced specimen of a not uncommon sort of snob- 
 Heaven had denied him the boon he most coveted, 
 the happiness of being an Englishman ; but an English 
 man he had determined to be, in spite of the accident 
 of birth. He lacked a great many gifts that a lesser 
 soul would have thought indispensable to the role he 
 proposed to play. His physique was n.ot up to the 
 mark, his tastes and habits and speech were formed, 
 his voice was nasal, he had really nothing except his 
 money and himself to depend upon, yet mark the 
 result. In a few short years he was more English than 
 any Englishman in England, such is the power of a 
 resolute will. He was taken for one over and over 
 again by Americans, who keep a portrait of John Bull 
 hung up in their mental picture-galleries, just as John 
 Bull does of his neighbor Johnny Crapaud and Mon 
 sieur Crapaud in his turn of Hans Schneider, remark 
 ably good likenesses all of them, of course, perfectly 
 faithful, if not entirely flattering. Count D'Orsay once 
 painted the picture of a friend and submitted it when 
 finished to that friend's wife for criticism. " It is a 
 good picture," was her verdict, "but not a good like 
 ness." " Ah, madame," said the artist, " you see de 
 beast," (meaning the best). We all see the beast in
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 311 
 
 these national portraits, and do not greatly care about 
 the likeness being preserved. 
 
 The English craze was only the last expression of a 
 constitutional thirst for distinction that had long tor 
 mented Mr. Bates and had led him in the earlier stages 
 of his career to talk only of the most fashionable people, 
 and of these as his most intimate friends, of their 
 yachts, carriages, jewels, opera-boxes, and enormous 
 fortunes, of the best hotels, where he invariably stayed, 
 of the best clubs, at which every one hastened to put 
 him up, of his tailor, Poole, and his boot-maker, Biffins, 
 the best in Europe, though (with an uneasy laugh) 
 "frightfully expensive," of his cigars, which Cubans 
 thought superior to any they had ever smoked, and 
 his wines, which a well-known bon vivant of New York 
 had pronounced the best he had ever found on this con 
 tinent. There was so much sweetness and light in Mr. 
 Rates's accounts of himself at this period that it was 
 doubtless only from the most charitable motives that 
 society supplied the shadows in the brilliant picture 
 and mitigated his else intolerable radiance by whisper 
 ing that he was a simpleton and a bore and the son ol 
 a successful grocer in Tecumseh, Michigan. 
 
 The sight of so many English people was naturally 
 refreshing to an exile like Mr. Bates, and he bestowed 
 upon them the seven bondings, if not the nine knock- 
 ings, with which Chinese dignitaries are saluted. Mrs. 
 Sykes made him a present of a stare and took no further 
 notice of him. Sir Eobert divined the ass in the lion's 
 skin, but made himself agreeable as usual. Mr. Ket- 
 chum played with a paper-knife and contributed inter 
 mittently to the conversation, as did Ethel and Mr
 
 312 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Bamsay. As for Mabel, she had gone up to the nursery, 
 and so missed hearing Mr. Bates tell the company that 
 he had been " yahs and yahs abroad, and was perfectly 
 devoted to England," compare the climate, customs, and 
 what not of the two countries, always to the disad 
 vantage of his own, and round off every other sentence 
 with a " Don't you find it so ?" to Sir Eobert. 
 
 " I think this a most delightful, exhilarating climate. 
 I wonder at your liking ours better : it is so notoriously 
 bad that we spend half our time abusing it," Sir Eobert 
 said in reply to one appeal. 
 
 But the visitor continued to set forth only the more 
 plainly the impossibility of America's ever proving a 
 congenial home to a Bates. Everything about it of 
 fended his exquisite sensibilities. It was " raw," it was 
 " cold," it was " bare," it was " frightfully new." The 
 grass, the skies, the architecture, all distilled torture 
 upon this delicately-organized poet-soul. But the peo 
 ple, last, worst, most unendurable and unescapable 
 pang of all, the people ! 
 
 Mr. Ketchum broke his paper-knife as he listened, 
 and as he threw the pieces aside he heard Mr. Bates 
 saying, " Give me solid old England, I. say," and looked 
 up, to see " Que diable fait-il dans cette galere f" written 
 so legibly in Sir Eobert's honest English face that his 
 vexation was replaced by amusement. 
 
 " Ah !" said Sir Eobert, and the exclamation expressed 
 something of the contempt he felt; "I should have 
 thought, now, that you would have preferred your own 
 countiy to any other; most people do." Sir Eobert 
 would very probably have been bored by the American 
 who is always insisting blatantly upon the absolute
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 313 
 
 superiority of everything American ; he would have 
 understood the American who in speaking of his coun 
 try shows the loving pride and enthusiasm that a son 
 feels for his mother ; but he utterly despised the creature 
 who held in such light esteem that for which most men 
 are ready to lay down their lives. 
 
 The conversation languished rather, except so far as 
 Mr. Bates was concerned. Bent upon posing as a per- 
 eonage and a social authority, he ramhled on inconse- 
 quently, chiefly about himself and his affairs, opinions, 
 experiences, what he considered " good form" and knew 
 to be "bad form," of something that was "not the cor 
 rect thing," and something else that was " no longer 
 fashionable," and, finally, of some people who had 
 bought a house near his whom he characterized as 
 "low people," "tradespeople," he believed, whom he 
 should have nothing to do with, of course. 
 
 " Quite right, Bates," said Mr. Ketchum. " You can't 
 afford to know everybody : it would be a ' boah,' as you 
 say. But don't be too hard on them. We can't all be 
 upper crust, you know ; somebody has got to be bed 
 rock. We aristocrats should remember that." And, 
 having dived after Miss Noel's ball of wool, which had 
 rolled toward him, he added, " Pretty sunset that for a 
 new country, isn't it? I like that view that we get of 
 the valley through the trees, there, better than any 
 other in America. I say America because it sounds as 
 though I had been all over the world and prevents my 
 being identified with my own country, which is my 
 great object in life." 
 
 At this Sir Eobert and Mr. Eamsay laughed and ex 
 changed glances, and Mrs. Ketchum, coming in, called 
 o 27
 
 314 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 for an aide-de-camp, as she meant to " turn out the tea 
 that instant, but was not going to trot about with it," 
 a summons which both Mr. Bates and Mr. Ramsay 
 obeyed with alacrity. 
 
 " You go in tremendously for china, don't you ?" Mr. 
 Ramsay said, looking admiringly at the exquisite ser 
 vice before him and removing the crimson cosey that 
 smothered the teapot. " Prettiest I ever saw, I think. 
 Nice tone, and all-overish design." 
 
 " It is rather nice, isn't it ?" said Mabel. " I often 
 wish that I could go to China and prowl about the shops 
 a bit, picking up things. You will take me some day, 
 won't you ?" (to her husband.) " It would be quite 
 delightful." 
 
 " It would be ; but the question that presents itself 
 to the intelligent and reflective mind is, 'Where the 
 mischief is the money to come from ?' The inclemency 
 of the times makes no impression on you, Mrs. Ketchum, 
 whatever. China, indeed ! Haven't you enough of that 
 sort of thing yet ? I assure you, Mr. Ramsay, that my 
 wife's extravagance in this matter is only equalled by 
 her parsimony. She is always buying china ; but when 
 we have no company I am made to eat my dinner off a 
 tin plate on the back steps, to save wear and accidents. 
 Ah, there is Brown ; come just in time to save me from 
 joining the noble company of cashiers in the woods. 
 Glad to see you, Brown." 
 
 " Husband does jest so ! The idea of his saying " 
 Mabel began, but had to go forward to receive Mr 
 Brown, his brother Mr. Albert Brown, and their maiden 
 sister Miss Susan Brown. The last was a great friend 
 of Fraulein Schmidt's, and joined her very soon ; the
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 315 
 
 brothers proceeded to make their compliments to the 
 English ladies ; Mr. Bates attached himself to Ethel ; 
 and Job and the baronet were left to their own devices 
 for the moment. 
 
 "Is that the brother you dislike?" asked Sir Eobort, 
 nodding toward Mr. Albert Brown. " Not a pleasant 
 face, certainly : receding forehead, protruding eyes, 
 thin lips." 
 
 " Oh, it is not his personal pulchritude that I look at : 
 it is his pellet of a soul. A dozen such would rattle in 
 a mustard-seed," replied Mr. Ketchum, giving his chair 
 an energetic hitch. " He is so mean that if you were 
 to bait a trap with a postage-stamp you would catch 
 Albert six nights out of seven every week in the year. 
 He was very ill last winter, said to be dying, but the 
 doctor held a nickel under his nose, I suppose, at the 
 last moment, and brought him back again. Strange to 
 say, Brown is no more like him than if he had never 
 heard of him. His heart is as big as all out-doors. 
 Streaky family, like breakfast bacon. I have known 
 them all my life, but I never could stand Albert ; and I 
 have never asked him to my house. He's no friend of 
 mine, and I feel at liberty to express myself pretty 
 freely about him. I wonder what brought him here to 
 night. Bug under that chip." 
 
 Sir Robert would willingly have stayed with his host 
 for the remainder of the evening, but just as they had 
 changed the topic of conversation and settled down into 
 a comfortable talk about several things that interested 
 him, such as the wages of servants, agricultural la 
 borers, and artisans in Michigan, the price of bread and 
 c-oHt of living, the advantage of the great lakes as a
 
 316 CW BOTH SIDES. 
 
 commercial highway, expense per bushel of transporting 
 grain to England, and the merchant-marine of America, 
 Mabel joined them, and asked Sir Eobert if he would 
 not play a game of whist with her mother for a partner 
 and Mr. Brown and Miss Noel as his adversaries. Agree 
 ing to this, he walked over and took his seat at thb 
 card-table, and was soon horrifying Mr. Brown by pro 
 posing to play for money, only sixpenny points and 
 " hardly an object," as he explained when he found him 
 self, to his great surprise, indirectly accused of gambling. 
 " There isn't a clergyman in England who wouldn't do 
 it," he said ; " but don't let me undermine your princi 
 ples over here," and forthwith proceeded to give him 
 self up to the game with immense gravity and such 
 philosophy as he could command with a partner who 
 revoked, trumped his aces, dropped her cards, talked 
 across the board, announced what she had in her hand, 
 never knew what the trump was, and had every other 
 fault that a player possibly could have or that could 
 infuriate a veteran member of a London whist-club. 
 
 As Mabel went back to her seat she heard Mrs. Sykes 
 saying, " I can't say that I care for American scenery : 
 it seems to consist chiefly of St. Jacob's Oil on rotting 
 fences, and stony, badly-tilled fields, and weazly sheep 
 or cows, with an occasional telegraph-pole thrown in. 
 But still I am glad to have seen it. One must see 
 America nowadays, or one is nobody. "What do I think 
 of this -house ? Oh, comfortable enough. The library 
 is good, the pictures barely tolerable " 
 
 What more fault she was about to find did not ap 
 pear, for just then the door opened, and Mr. Banisay 
 came in, accoutred in the " rig" he had spoken of, and
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 317 
 
 blushing furiously at the sight of the additions made to 
 the party in his absence. 
 
 " The haughty Briton, as he appears in the famous 
 role of ' The Border Euffian,' " called out Mr. Ketchum, 
 laughingly. " Come here, Ramsay, and let us have a 
 look." 
 
 Redder still, but radiating satisfaction through the 
 veil of modesty, Mr. Ramsay joined his host on the 
 hearth-rug and bore with entire good humor the gen 
 eral inspection that followed. He was dressed in a 
 flannel shirt, a pair of corduroy trousers, enormous 
 jack-boots, and a cork helmet, was belted and spurred, 
 carried a haversack, wore gauntlets that came nearly 
 up to his elbow, had a kind of wire coop with a gauze 
 net stretched over it attached to his helmet, and as to 
 arms was a peripatetic arsenal. " Green of the Fusiliers 
 got me up this, he's been out in Mexico a lot, all but 
 this," touching the coop. " I got that up to get ahead 
 of those brutes of mosquitoes," he said, and glanced at 
 himself in fond approval. 
 
 The sight was too much for Mr. Ketchum. He looked 
 from the bristling, buccaneering Mr. Ramsay to the side-- 
 whiskered and generally Britished Mr. Bates standing a 
 few paces off, and incontinently fled. Mabel followed 
 him into the dining-room, and found him convulsed with 
 laughter and fairly doubled up on the sofa. " What is 
 the matter, husband? what is it?" she asked, seeing 
 nothing to put anybody into such a state. 
 
 " Oh ! It's th-o ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! those two 
 ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! those two imita 
 tions /" Mr. Ketchum got out, with great difficulty, and 
 Convulsed afresh, laughing until the tears rolled down 
 
 27*
 
 318 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 his cheeks, to the no small amazement of his wife, who 
 looked on quite anxiously at the demonstration. It was 
 tsorne moments before he could compose himself suffi 
 ciently to go back ; and even then his features worked 
 ominously, and he had the greatest difficulty in control 
 ling his risibles. 
 
 Mr. Eamsay was still contemplating himself delight 
 edly and talking of what he meant to do " out in Colo 
 rado and those parts." 
 
 Gradually sobering down, Mr. Ketchum joined in the 
 conversation, telling him that they would have a serious 
 talk about the Colorado plan next day, and saying what 
 he could for the " rig." " You have been handed around 
 on a rose-leaf all your life, my dear fellow. You'll find 
 it exchanged for a cactus out there, the roughest sort 
 of life, and "human nature in its shirt-sleeves. If you 
 were not an Englishman, I should advise you either to 
 go home again or invest in a quarter's worth of arsenic. 
 You can't mine in hard-bake with a pewter spoon, you 
 know. But I reckon you are made of the right metal 
 and will come out ahead on that fight." 
 
 " I can't go home, you know. It is no good talking 
 of that. I haven't got the money to live there, unless 
 I turned mud-lark," said Mr. Eamsay. " The governor 
 won't do anything for me, and I can't get tick, and I 
 am obliged to try the colonies or America." 
 
 " Well, anything is better than being an English 
 gentleman who can't keep up with the procession," said 
 Mi\ Ketchum; "and perhaps you may be the pigeon 
 that is to pick up a pea." 
 
 After this there was some music, and then Sanford 
 brought in the tray, with the materials on it for brew-
 
 Otf THIS SIDE. 319 
 
 ing what Mr. Ketchum called " the muriate of susquate 
 of iodized potassium." 
 
 Miss Brown refused to stay long enough to either see 
 the deed done or partake of the contents of the flowing 
 bowl, and the party broke up, Mr. Bates kindly assuring 
 Sir Robert that he meant to see a great deal of him. 
 
 Good-nights were exchanged, and the front door 
 closed. 
 
 " I hope Mr. Brown did not take my hat," said Sir 
 Robert, and walked up to the rack to assure himself 
 that such was the case. His eye fell upon a little pile 
 of narrow pasteboard strips, on which was engraved, 
 " Mr. Bates, 10 Chapel Street, Belgrave Square." Mr. 
 Bates's cards always bore this strange device. " What 
 an ass !" commented the baronet, with a frown of dis 
 gust on his face ; and to this Mr. Ketchum added some 
 thing emphatic that will not be set down here. 
 
 The " muriate" having been mixed on purely chemical 
 and medicinal principles and imbibed from a strong sense 
 of duty, they all took their bedroom candles, and were 
 about to ascend the stairs, when Sir Robert suddenly 
 stopped, and said to his host, " How am I to dress to 
 morrow ? What shall I wear ?" An embarrassing pause 
 followed. " What are we going to do ?" he added. 
 
 The English people present understood that, accus 
 tomed to the carefully-arranged programmes of visits 
 at English country -places, Sir Robert expected that cer 
 tain occupations and amusements, involving suitable 
 preparations for the same, were to be his portion in 
 America. 
 
 " Oh, dear, how shall we amuse him ?" thought Mabel 
 dolefully.
 
 320 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 It was Job who came to the general rescue. " Wear 
 what you please," ho said. " America Avas invented for 
 the express purpose of getting one place where people 
 could wear out their old clothes and do as they pleased." 
 
 Sir Robert laughed, as did the others in chorus, they 
 resumed their march, and in another moment had dis 
 appeared into their respective bedrooms. 
 
 " We will show Sir Robert our old castles and ruins 
 to-morrow, and our cathedrals and abbeys the next day, 
 and so on," said Mr. Ketchum to his wife. " Wasn't 
 Ramsay a spectacle for gods and men ? When I see a 
 fellow like that come over here, Daisy, and they are 
 coming by the dozen, fellows with the tastes and 
 habits of millionaires and only such knowledge of life 
 and people as is to be gained on the right side of Eng 
 lish park-palings, trained to no profession or pursuit, as 
 ignorant of business matters as our little child, and 
 suddenly set down in one of our frontier communities, 
 like the Babes in the Wood, I always feel like saying to 
 them, ' May the Lord have mercy on your souls !' The 
 homesickness, the strangeness of everything, the hard 
 ships, and the almost certain failure make up a row of 
 stumps, I tell you ; the stoniest sort of patch to plough 
 with a crooked stick and a strange heifer." 
 
 "But why need they plough with a crooked stick, 
 dear? It is very sad for the poor things," Mabel 
 replied. 
 
 " What do you think of all this ?" Mrs. Sykes wax 
 asking of Mise Noel, their rooms communicating and 
 both ladies passing to and fro. 
 
 " I think it is all very nice, very nice indeed. I am 
 sure we have every comfort and luxury we could pos-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 321 
 
 sibly desire; and the people are most obliging, civil, 
 and agreeable," replied Miss Noel. 
 
 " You are positively infatuated about the Americans," 
 grumbled Mrs. Sykes from her room. 
 
 " Oh, no ; nothing of the kind. But we are not likely 
 to agree about them ; and, as I am considerably tired 
 with the fatigues of the day, I may as well close my 
 door and take myself straight off to bed," said Miss 
 Noel, shutting the door of argument as well as the one 
 of oak. 
 
 The next day was Saturday, and by half-past six 
 o'clock Miss Noel was up and out, getting three hours 
 of walking and botanizing before breakfast, and coming 
 in full of praises of the beautiful day, a basket of wild 
 flowers on her arm. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes also rose early, and, having written a 
 great number of letters, in which she gave very spicy 
 accounts of " the way they do things in America," pro 
 ceeded to make herself entirely at home, as Mr. Ket- 
 chum had urged her to do. There was a spare-room 
 adjoining hers, into which she had her writing- and 
 sketching-materials carried, and which she said would 
 do very well for her boudoir during her visit. She made 
 Parsons unpack her boxes first, instead of Miss Noel's. 
 She had all her stockings collected that needed darning, 
 and took them affably to " Schmidt," as she called Frau- 
 lein, telling her to " repair them neatly, Swiss fashion." 
 She went on a grand prowl about the house to see what 
 it was like, in the course of which she got as far as tho 
 lumber-room in the garret, where a maid was packing 
 away the surplus winter bedding ; and, seeing the store 
 room door ajar, she marched in there, and was staring
 
 322 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 with lively interest at its wealth of "goodies," when 
 Mabel entered, followed by the cook. Not disconcerted 
 in the least, she said to Mabel, " What a larder you have 
 got, to be sure ! I suppose you are very contented liv 
 ing over here on the fat of the land." 
 
 " I am contented ; but it is not because I am living on 
 i/he fat of the land, as you call it," said Mabel coldly, 
 and then went on to give directions to the servant, 
 which she purposely spun out until Mrs. Sykes took the 
 hint and left. , 
 
 Having exhausted her resources, Mrs. Sykes went out 
 on the front veranda, where any amount of amusement 
 awaited her in the person of " Hannibal Hamlin," the 
 first little darky she had ever met. In a moment she 
 was all rapture. " Oh, how delightfully black he is ! 
 How he shines! What comical bow-legs! Poke him 
 up and make him laugh, or cry, or amuse me in some 
 way, somebody. Pray put him down there in front of 
 me, where I can see his eyes roll. Where did you get 
 the comical creature ? I never saw anything so deli 
 cious and intensely interesting." 
 
 " He is Washington's son," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " Eummest pickanniny I ever saw," said Mr. Heath- 
 cote. " Friend of yours ?" (to Mr. Ketchum.) 
 
 " Yes ; a particular one. I took a fancy to him first 
 because he looked so fresh from the cocoanut-tree ; and 
 he's as smart as they are made. Come here, Hannibal," 
 said Mr. Ketchum. Fishing in his pocket, he pulled out 
 a quarter, whistled a lively air, and fell to executing the 
 motion known as " patting juber." Up sprang Hanni 
 bal, and, small as he was, danced a breakdown, as a 
 pouter-pigeon inflates his breast, by sheer instinct. His
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 323 
 
 grins, his bare brown legs, his tatters, the indescribable 
 African swing that he put into the movement, delighted 
 the spectators beyond measure. They laughed up 
 roariously through the whole performance ; and Ethel 
 and Mr. Eamsay, having only got down in time to see 
 the final shuffles and whirls, insisted on an encore. Miss 
 Noel arrived in time for that, and it was received with 
 as much enthusiasm as the first, even Sir Eobert giving 
 out a series of painfully obstructed snorts and chuckles 
 that indicated his appreciation. 
 
 " Never saw such a little nigger ; drollest specimen 
 of a blackie possible," ho said. 
 
 " Sh-sh ! colored person, you mean. "We are having 
 our English history rewritten so as to bring out the 
 figure of the Colored Prince properly," said Mr. Ket- 
 chum. " Would you like to see him cut a few more 
 capers ?" 
 
 A general cry of " Oh, do !" and " That we should !" 
 \vent up, and Mr. Kctchum began to whistle again. 
 But he had reckoned without his Hannibal, who had 
 thrown himself down on his back and declined to stir. 
 
 " I'se tired. Ain't gwine to dance no mo'," he said. 
 
 Threats, temptations, cajolery, were tried in vain. 
 The impudent and independent attitude of the child 
 timused them almost as much as his dancing, but they 
 could not understand how he dared refuse to obey Mr. 
 Ketchum. They would have kept him spinning away 
 for another hour, if he had not shown the caprice of 
 the artist and strutted off with the funniest swaggering 
 air while Mrs. Sykes was gone in search of her block 
 and pencil, intending to sketch him. This she did later, 
 in a great variety of attitudes; and during the re-
 
 324 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 mainder of their visit Hannibal was an unfailing source 
 of interest. 
 
 Breakfast over, they nearly ull returned to the ve 
 randa again, the ladies bringing out their work, the 
 gentlemen smoking and reading. Sir Robert and Job 
 each had a pile of newspapers to look over, and effected 
 an exchange from time to time of the English for the 
 American, though of the latter Mrs. Sykes remarked, 
 " I can't see what interest you can find in them. They 
 are ill written and abusive, and the ridiculous vulgarity 
 of the advertisements is very tiresome." 
 
 Sir Robert was a man who read every part of his 
 paper ; and, having mastered the contents of his copies 
 of the " Times," " Standard," " Pall Mall Gazette," and 
 " Guardian," he tackled some of the leading American 
 dailies, and then some of the minor and more provincial 
 sheets. It was a funny sight to see his expression as 
 he wrestled with the allusions to the Cb.ica.go girl's foot, 
 the Rig-Yeda and baked beans paragraphs about Boston, 
 and such jokes as, " Mrs. Wills Hackett lit her new fire 
 with coal-oil on the morning of the 23d of February : 
 her clothes fit the present Mrs. Hackett to a T ;" or the 
 refined pleasantry of such stories as, " ' Yes, Adolphus, 
 there is a terrible gap between us,' said Araminta, when 
 her parlor young man gave a yawn at 1.30 A.M." Be 
 wilderment gave place to a different emotion when he 
 saw that a certain quack medicine was " reliable, being 
 what it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be ;'" 
 that "Jim Phelps" (vide a police report) "had blas 
 phemed his Maker five dollars' worth;" also a verse 
 from the Sermon on the Mount used to advertise a 
 '' Professor" of chirop'" dy ; and a leading article in which
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 325 
 
 with much delicate editorial raillery the Queen of Eng 
 land and thp Princess Louise were cruelly belittled by 
 being called "Vic" and "Lou." 
 
 Mr. Ketchum, meanwhile, was enjoying the " Court 
 Chronicle," in which " Her Majesty walked out on 
 Friday morning attended by the Duchess of Barn- 
 borough," and evidently returned quite safely to lunch 
 eon, as the next paragraph proved : "Her Majesty drove 
 in the afternoon, attended by the Duchess of Barn- 
 borough." He was revelling in the advei'tisements for 
 " a serious cook ;" an " Evangelical footman," a house 
 maid to whom* no " flounces or followers" would be per 
 mitted, " a young, musical, cheerful High-Church curate, 
 with decided views on the eastward position, who would 
 be expected to take two services on Sunday, train the 
 choir-boys, and teach Latin, Greek, French, and English 
 branches in a school; graduate of Oxford preferred: 
 50," and of " Tomes & Dollop, wig-makers to all the 
 crowned heads of Europe." He had got to " sermons 
 for busy rectors, High, Low, or Broad, at 12/6 the dozen," 
 when he heard an exclamation from Sir Robert, and, 
 looking up, saw him clutching fiercely the " Columbia 
 Eagle," his face brick-red with anger and excitement. 
 " Look at this !" he cried : " this infamous, lying article 
 about me !" He pushed the paper into Job's hands, who 
 saw a long article chopped into short paragraphs and 
 spiced with sensational head-lines : " A Bloated Baro 
 net!" il British Vampires and Land-Grabbers T "Mil 
 lions of Acres Wrested from the American People /" " Con 
 gressional Legislation Needed /" " Rascally Earls and 
 Bankrupt Dukes!" The writer of the article was the 
 reporter who had "interviewed" Sir Kobert in Wash - 
 
 28
 
 32C ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 ington. He purported to give a verbatim account of 
 that interview, and was very particular to state the 
 kind of chair Sir Eobert sat in, where his arm rested, 
 liis changes of position and expression. He painted the 
 baronet's portrait in India ink, ridiculed and abused him 
 in the most grossly personal and shameless fashion, in 
 vented for him an entire conversation containing his 
 " views," motives, thoughts, and plans, and then took him 
 as a text for a violent attack upon the Englishmen of rank 
 who have bought extensive properties in this country. 
 Not that a word was said about the purchase-money. 
 It was stated that " the blue blood of England had pro 
 duced nothing but rascals, sots, and libertines for the 
 last two hundred years." A magnificent image of " free 
 America stalking athwart the stage of English politics 
 like Banquo's ghost, terrifying tyrants and inspiring 
 serfs," was drawn. In connection with the well-known 
 tendency of rats to leave a sinking ship, it was pointed 
 out that "a number of so-called noblemen had come 
 over here and gone to the virgin West, where they had 
 wrung from the horny-handed sons of toil the blood- 
 bought domain which constituted the sole inheritance 
 of their children." And why ? " That they might plant 
 the Upas-tree of aristocratic institutions upon the free soil 
 of Columbia /" While Mr. Ketchum read this veracious, 
 dispassionate production, so creditable in every respect 
 to American civilization, Sir Kobert walked rapidly 
 backward and forward and roared and raged in a pretty 
 fury, 
 
 " Oh, these Americans ! these Americans !" exclaimed 
 Mrs. Sykes, and smiled hatefully. 
 
 Mr. Ketchum shot an angry glance at her, but ad
 
 0^ THIS SIDE. 327 
 
 dressed Sir Robert. " I shouldn't care a claco, if I were 
 you," he said. "It is some fellow that would i-ather 
 tell a lie on credit than the truth for cash, I guess. 
 Nobody will attach any importance to it. Don't let it 
 worry you." But Sir Eobert was of a different opinion, 
 and attached great importance to it. It was not only 
 that it did not contain a word of truth, but that " the 
 rights of others were involved, the public mind would 
 be inflamed, it would lead to acts of spoliation." Mr. 
 Ketchum would greatly oblige him by recommending 
 "a respectable solicitor in Kalsing" whom he might 
 consult and instruct to prosecute at once. Nothing 
 would do but that he should have legal advice ; and, 
 after using every argument he could think of to dis 
 suade him from this course, Mr. Ketchum agreed to 
 drive him into town that afternoon. 
 
 The day was one of those warm lovely ones in early 
 summer that are enough to draw the very nails out of 
 a house, so that the ladies had lingered outside. There 
 was nothing thunderous or electrical in the atmospheric 
 conditions, but all the same it was destined to be a day 
 of disturbances. His talk ended with Sir Robert, Mr. 
 Ketchum walked back into the dining-room to give 
 Sanford an order, and while there he was surprised to 
 hear loud sounds coming from the hall. ".Can my old 
 ladies have locked horns?" he thought, and walked 
 quickly back to see what was the matter. The matter 
 was this. Shortly before the arrival of the English 
 guests Mrs. Ketchum had lost a model housemaid, and 
 nad hired as a stop-gap an Irish girl of the genus Biddy, 
 a hopeless incapable, with what the French cafl o,flam- 
 kerge au vent in the way of a temper. Mis. Sykes
 
 328 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 noticed her, and promptly asked Mabel where she gol 
 " that flauntily-dressed sloven, with no idea of her posi 
 tion or duties, and positively flounced up to the waist." 
 Thanks to mistress rather than maid, all had gone 
 smoothly for a few days ; but this morning the degrad 
 ing task of polishing two grates and hanging up the 
 cascades of tissue-papers that Mabel had made for fire 
 screens had been assigned to her, and her Milesian 
 soul had utterly revolted at the idea. So down she 
 came to her mistress, and, with arms akimbo and face 
 aflame, poured out a Niagara of impertinence and rebel 
 lion that utterly amazed the guests and made Mabel 
 turn pale. Sir Robert, in the absence of Mr. Ketchum, 
 was about to tell her that he would "give her in 
 charge," a threat he would have found some difficulty 
 in carrying out, when Mr. Ketchum appeared on the 
 scene and took such active measures that in fifteen min 
 utes a scornfully erect female figure might have been 
 seen sitting in a cart that was bowling out of the 
 grounds en route to Raising. 
 
 Ten minutes later another interruption came that 
 contrasted comically with the previous one. It was 
 Parsons this time, Parsons with her exaggerated def 
 erence and propriety of manner, saying, " If you please, 
 mem, Master Bobo and Miss Blanche 'ave been fightin' 
 that dreadful I could 'ardly separate 'em, and Master 
 Bobo's h'ear is all tore and bleedin' frightful! What 
 would you please to wish done about it ? Will I bathe 
 it with a little loo-warm water and h'arnica, if there's 
 any hotted ?" 
 
 This Dreadful news sent both Miss Noel and Mrs. 
 Sykes in- doors with cries of " Oh, my poor cat !" and
 
 O.V THIS SIDE. 329 
 
 " That beastly cat ! To touch my dearest angel !" leav 
 ing a smiling company behind them, and one person 
 Mr. Ketchum extravagantly merry. 
 
 " Parsons ought to be exhibited in all our towns and 
 cities," he said. " ' Miss Blanche ! Master Bobo I' Moses 
 in the bulrushes !" He was in full enjoyment of this, 
 when some visitors were seen approaching. These 
 proved to be some ladies from the neighborhood, one of 
 them being Miss Bijou Brown. Miss Noel and Mrs. 
 Sykes were sent for, and, reappearing, gave an account 
 of the late fracas, each proving that the pet of the other 
 was alone to blame. Bijou stayed some time, was ex 
 tremely effusive and cordial to Miss Noel and Ethel, 
 and, when she left, cast a good many quick, bright 
 glances about her, which, being translated, though she 
 would never have admitted as much even to herself, 
 meant that she had expected and hoped to see Mr. Earn- 
 say, who chanced to be out of the way. A second batch 
 of callers followed, Dr. Ehodes, the Ketchums' family 
 physician, and Governor Bunnell, from a neighboring 
 State, a florid, fluent politician, who was staying with 
 the doctor. Both gentlemen made an agreeable im 
 pression, and were urged by Mrs. Ketchum to stay to 
 luncheon, but declined. 
 
 About two hours later the carriage came round, and 
 Miss Noel, Mrs. Sykes, Sir Eobert, and Mr. Ketchum 
 started for Kalsing. Washington was instructed to 
 t;ike a certain route, that an especially fine view of the 
 valley might be enjoyed ; and they were about half-way 
 when they saw quite a large crowd gathered at the 
 cross-roads near a blacksmith's shop. As they ap 
 proached, they saw the figure of a man uplifted above 
 
 28*
 
 330 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 the rest, who seemed to be gesticulating wildly ; a little 
 nearer, and they could see him plainly. 
 
 " Pull up, Washington," called out Mr. Ketchum, and 
 the carriage stopped. 
 
 " Dear, dear ! Can that be the governor-general ?" asked 
 Miss Noel, hardly believing her own eyes. " What is 
 'he doing?" 
 
 " Eanting like a street-preacher, evidently," said Mrs. 
 Sykes, but nobody paid much attention. 
 
 The governor was beginning the summer campaign 
 that was to culminate at the polls in the autumn. He 
 was a ready-witted man and a capital speaker. He 
 knew how to interest his audience and keep them inter 
 ested. He perfectly understood the art of turning in 
 terruptions of every kind to account. He knew how 
 to tell a joke or story, and did not tell too many. He 
 was affable, grave, satirical, jocose, statistical, by turns. 
 He got off two Latin quotations that were not the less 
 effective for not being understood. He fused the mass 
 before him with his fervent oratory, and swept them 
 along by the force of an eloquence not of the highest 
 order indeed, but extremely effective for his purpose. 
 The crowd roared and cheered with a will. Cries of 
 " Give it to 'em, Johnny !" " That's right ! waltz into 
 'em, Jack !" " Hand 'em another !" rang out. Sir Rob 
 ert listened with all his ears. Even the ladies caught 
 the excitement, and for an hour the governor had the 
 pleasure of printing his sentiments on the agricultural 
 mind as plainly as if he had represented a mould and 
 they so many pats of butter. Then he relapsed into 
 private life, put on his coat, which had been laid aside, 
 poured some water from a pitcher (standing on a keg
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 331, 
 
 in front of him) into a glass, drank it off, and scrambled 
 down from the wagon in which he had been enthroned. 
 
 " Splendid, governor ! splendid !" called out Mr. Ket- 
 ehum. The governor bowed his acknowledgments, and 
 Washington was told to drive on. 
 
 " A rattling good speech," said Sir Robert, and plunged 
 into a discussion of the whole electoral system of 
 America, that gave Mrs. Sykes no chance to express her 
 views then. Demosthenes could not have excited her 
 admiration or retained her respect in the governor's 
 place ; and her asides to Miss Noel were so contempt 
 uous that it was a lucky thing that they were not over 
 heard by her host. 
 
 " It was a clever speech," said Miss Noel, " Robert 
 says that ; but I can't think why he took off his coat. 
 So dreadfully improper! And the wagon and that. 
 Why didn't he take up his quarters at an inn, and have 
 committees and all that, and speak from a balcony, I 
 wonder? He certainly is not supported by anybody. 
 The principal gentlemen of Raising and county-people 
 must be in favor of the opposite party. I fear he must 
 be a sad Radical. They call him ' Jack,' as if one of 
 themselves !" 
 
 Arrived at Raising, the ladies did a little shopping 
 and Sir Robert secured a lawyer. He also saw while in 
 that part of the town* a notice affixed to a door that 
 caused him to stare very hard for a moment and then 
 laugh outright. It bore this legend every day at the 
 same hour : " Gone to dinner. Be back in ten minutes." 
 " Ten minutes for dinner, by George !" he mentally ex 
 claimed, and drove back to a good dinner of his own, 
 over which he spent so many hours that poor Mr. Ket-
 
 332 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 chum, fcrbidden by his wife to leave the table, wriggled 
 about on his chair as if impaled. 
 
 That evening no one came except Mr. Price and his 
 sister, an extremely vivacious and soulful, not to say 
 silly, young woman, who, considering how little there 
 was in her to express, contrived to throw an astonishing 
 amount of expression into a pair of large brown eyes. 
 By an amusing chance, Mr. Price undertook to talk to 
 Mrs. Sykes ; and if ever Greek met Greek it was on 
 that occasion. They mutually plied each other with 
 questions until they were both exhausted, and then 
 parted with a hearty mutual dislike. His first, to put 
 it in charade form, was, "Pleasant journey out here? 
 Scalper's ticket or regular one ?" and the information 
 she gleaned from him about railway-tickets alone ought 
 to have made her more lenient in her judgment of him, 
 especially as she made it the basis of a settlement with 
 Sir Eobert a few days later when they went over their 
 accounts for travelling expenses, and she refused to pay 
 for any but a scalper's ticket from New York to Kalsing, 
 on the ground that Sir Eobert ought to have managed 
 better and not have put her to " unnecessary expense." 
 She ungratefully spoke of Mr. Price as " an inquisitive 
 little beast," however, and he said of her that she could 
 ask more questions than anybody he had ever met since 
 he was born, and was " eaten up with curiosity." " Ask 
 ing me who Mr. Ketchum was, and what he is worth, 
 and whether they knew many nice people, and a hun 
 dred things," he said. " I hate a curious woman. I've 
 got no use for them." Nor had he. 
 
 Meanwhile, Miss Price rattled on and on, and rolled 
 her entire eyeballs at Mr. Eamsay, who, having had a
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 333 
 
 tiff with Ethel that afternoon, was obliged to fall back 
 on Miss Price for amusement. This she afforded ; and 
 after a long tete-a-tete, she rose to make her adieux, clap 
 ping her hands breezily in his face by way of impressing 
 on him that he had promised to come and see her, and 
 assuring him that she would be " perfectly desperate" 
 if he didn't come. She then said good-by to Miss Noel 
 in her own peculiar fashion. She took her hand, shot a 
 glance of almost tragic emotion not so much at as into 
 Miss Noel, and murmured, " So glad to have met you ! 
 So glad ! Let me kiss you, won't you ? I pine to kisa 
 the cousin of a duke." Without waiting for an answer, 
 which Miss Noel was too much taken aback to give, she 
 saluted that lady, and, still holding her hand, shot a 
 glance expressive of a heart-rending pang of separation 
 at Mrs. Sykes, and murmured, " So glad to have met you, 
 too! Charmed. You will come and see me, too, will 
 you not ? Say that you will." 
 
 " I will, if I can manage it conveniently, and if I can't 
 1 won't," said Mrs. Sykes. " You had not best look for 
 me : it is hardly probable that I shall have time to 
 return visits." 
 
 " So sorry, so very sorry !" said Miss Price, more 
 deeply expressive of irreparable loss than ever, and 
 taking her hand lingeringly. In this way she made 
 her sentimental rounds, Mr. Ketchum looking on im 
 patiently the while. "When at last she was safely out 
 side the front door, he came back, sank into a chair, 
 rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, and exclaimed, " For 
 this and all thy mercies, yours respectfully," in a way 
 that brought down the house. 
 
 Even Mrs. Sykes condescended to laugh. "Really,
 
 334 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 now, you have an odd, striking way oi saying a thing 
 sometimes. You have, really," she said and was sur 
 prised that he did not seem more gratified by her com 
 mendation. " I have been amused two or three timea 
 myself," she added, in a tone of good-humored patronage. 
 
 " No ! Have you ? Kyind heaven, thou art merciful 
 and hast gratified my highest earthly ambition I" cried 
 Job, striking a mock dramatic attitude. 
 
 " Husband, will you see that the gas is not left burn 
 ing in the butler's pantry all night ?" said Mabel. " It 
 is such a waste." 
 
 VII. 
 
 IT has not been concealed that, with all his fine quail- 
 ties, Mr. Ketchum was an obstinate man, and so, in spite 
 of his wife's remonstrances, he came down-stairs next 
 morning Sunday morning in a dress that she had 
 assured him was " only fit for one's bedroom," namely, 
 a very gorgeous Oriental dressing-gown (Mabel's gift 
 the preceding Christmas), with a fez on his head, and 
 on his feet a pair of slippers of amazing workmanship 
 and Boundlessness, the joy of his feet, if not of his heart. 
 Thus accoutred, he prowled about on the lower floor, 
 looking after various things, and, going into the pantry 
 for something, he chanced to look through the small 
 window used for the transmission of dishes from the 
 next room, and saw Parsons holding a pile of letters 
 one by one over a steaming kettle. Unconscious of his 
 proximity, the respectable Parsons dexterously and
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 335 
 
 neatly opened several envelopes with a practised hand, 
 and then transferred the letters to her pocket, to be en 
 joyed at her leisure, after which she laid hold of the 
 kettle and retired to the kitchen beyond. 
 
 " "Well, upon my word, if that isn't the coolest thing 
 I ever saw!" exclaimed Mr. Ketchum mentally, and, 
 feeling that he had made a great discovery, was at first 
 for sharing it immediately with Parsons's mistress ; but 
 on reflection he thought differently. " It is her funeral : 
 I guess I had better not meddle : there would be a great 
 scene," he thought. " At any rate, I'll wait until they 
 are leaving before putting her on her guard." He 
 went back to the dining-room to his newspaper, and sat 
 there until the others came down. 
 
 Miss Noel was not long in the room before an idea 
 struck her. " Did you not say that your post-bag con 
 taining the night's mail would be sent over this morn- 
 *ng," she asked. 
 
 " I did. It came about an hour ago," said Mr. Ket 
 chum. 
 
 " How very nice ! I hope there may be something 
 for me. It is so very trying to get no news from Eng 
 land," said Miss Noel. 
 
 " Why, Mabel had twenty-three letters laid aside for 
 you until you should come. Didn't she give them to 
 you ?" asked Mr. Ketchum. " "Were none of those from 
 England ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes. But that was three days since, and I've 
 heard nothing for a fortnight. If Parsons has quite 
 finished with the letters, I suppose I may as well have 
 them. And she must be, by this. Would you kindly 
 ring and send for them ?" said Miss Noel.
 
 336 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 * 
 
 "What! you know that she reads your letters?* 
 exclaimed Mr. Ketchum, surprised. 
 
 " Oh, dear, yes. They all do. It is very tiresome, 
 but they will do it. Parsons is generally good enough 
 to let me have them quite promptly ; but she reads 
 them, of course, all but my cousin Blanche Best's let 
 ters. Blanche has always been my most intimate friend, 
 and can't bear the idea : so she blocked the game by a 
 most ingenious device. She writes one sentence in 
 French, the next in Italian, the third in English, at 
 least she did until a happier plan suggested itself: now 
 she writes English in German text. It answers per 
 fectly ; but it is having a great effect on Parsons, quite 
 undermining her constitution, I fear, especially when 
 important things are happening at ' The Court,' where 
 I often go. I sometimes wickedly slip one of Blanche's 
 letters under the pin-cushion, as if with the intention 
 of concealing it, and I have so enjoyed seeing Parsons 
 whip it under her apron when she got the chance, know 
 ing that she could not make out a single word. She 
 really looked quite green afterward for a week : pure 
 chagrin." 
 
 " I am sure I have done everything that I could think 
 of to keep my letters from my man," said Sir Eobert, 
 " but quite without success. I think he finds my corre 
 spondence a little dull sometimes, as compared with 
 that of a former place. He came to me from the great 
 est scamp in England ; and I can fancy that the letters 
 there were very various and diverting. My own must 
 be altogether too ponderous and respectable for a taste 
 formed on sensational models." 
 
 " Well, all I have got to say is that if I caught a sor
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 337 
 
 vant of mine at that little game I'd make my letters 
 uncommonly interesting reading to him ; and if the 
 style suited him, I'd see that he got a little leisure in 
 the penitentiary to copy them and impress them on his 
 mind. Do you mean to say that you don't even dis 
 charge them for it?" said Mr. Ketchum. "I never 
 heard anything like it !" 
 
 " One could discharge the culprit easily enough ; the 
 trouble is that his successor or successors would do ex 
 actly the same thing," replied Sir Robert. " "When the 
 Barons rose, they neglected to provide a remedy for an 
 unforeseen nuisance, and I suppose this literary partner 
 ship of Master & Servant, Limited, will always exist. 
 I wrote a note once to Beazely (my man), addressed to 
 myself, and told him that if he disapproved of the Con 
 servative tone of my correspondence, as was likely, 
 seeing that he was a Radical, I would make an eifort to 
 get at Dilke or Bright, with a view to an occasional note 
 at least. The envelope had been resealed, I saw when 
 it reached me, but Beazely had no more expression in 
 his face than the Sphinx. My letters, however, were 
 not tampered with for about a week." 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum senior became fluent in her amazement : 
 " How perfectly dreadful ! Good gracious ! What did 
 you do about your husband's letters ? The idea of 
 sharing his letters with a servant!" 
 
 She was addressing Mrs. Sykes, who said very cheer 
 fully in reply, " Oh, there was never anything in his 
 letters, except warnings to put the servants at board- 
 wages before I went away, and look to expenditures, 
 and not ask him for any more money soon. I didn't 
 mind much. I was rather ashamed of the spelling, 
 v w 29
 
 338 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 that was all. Poor dear Guy never could spell, and I 
 never read anything so dull as his letters, the same 
 thing over and over again, till it hardly seemed worth 
 while to open them, only for knowing what he was up 
 to, or when he was coming. How my poor sisters did 
 laugh one Christmas when I got a letter from him in 
 Italy, saying, ' The cole here is intense ; but I have got 
 a projick in my head, which is to get back to England 
 as fast as rale and steme can possibly carry me' ! It 
 wasn't often that bad ; but there was always something 
 wrong. I can't think how it is, for he had no end of 
 tutors and masters, except that he certainly was a very 
 thick-headed fellow." She laughed merrily over tho 
 epistolary deficiencies of her late lord as she spoke, and 
 every one joined her except Mrs. Ketchum, who was 
 too shocked to countenance her. 
 
 " I saw Parsons in the very act of opening your let 
 ters this morning as I was roaming around in my Jesuit 
 creepers, and thought you would be horrified ; but it 
 seems to be all right," said Mr. Ketchum, glancing down 
 at his slippers. " Suppose, now, we have some break 
 fast : it is late. We haven't nearly as much time as the 
 patriarchs, anyway, and so much more use for it.'* 
 
 " I have been thinking it would never be ready," said 
 Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 " And I am quite ready for it. Isn't that a nice new- 
 laid egg for me?" asked Miss Noel, taking her place 
 with the others. 
 
 " Mabel, eggs for Miss Noel every morning, if she 
 likes them, and don't you forget it," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 " ' Trouble' ? Not the least that ever was. I have them 
 for myself always. An egg for me must be like
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 339 
 
 wife, above suspicion. I have provided myself with 
 a conscientious High-Church hen that lays one every 
 day of the year; though how she can think it worth 
 her while, when they are selling for ten cents a dozen, 
 I can't imagine. What's the matter, Heathcote ?" 
 
 The matter was the "Jesuit creepers" and the hui 
 combined, which had sent all the party into a little ft 
 of laughter, from which Mr. Heathcote could not r 
 cover. 
 
 " I don't see anything to double you up like a jack 
 knife," said Mr. Ketchum, in allusion to his guest's waj 
 of stooping over and having the laughs, as it were, 
 shaken out of him by a superior force, while he got out 
 at intervals, 
 
 " Jest creep High such a fellow !" in staccato jerks 
 that Made every one else laugh from sympathy. 
 
 " / call 'em that because Mother Schmidt made them 
 for me so that I could steal a march on my mother-in- 
 law, and she's a Catholic and knew how to do it. Talk 
 ing of Catholics and what Washington calls the ' 'Pesky- 
 palians,' who is going to church to-day ?" 
 
 " I am going to walk over to Dale with Bijou Brown 
 und her father," said Ethel. 
 
 " That isn't as nice a church as ours. We will take 
 the others into Kalsing, eh, husband ?" said Mabel ; 
 "that is, if they will come." 
 
 " I will go to the scaffold with Mrs. Ketchum," pro 
 tested Sir Robert gallantly. " What do you youngsters 
 say?" 
 
 " Ramsay and I thought we would walk over to that 
 little village on the crest of a hill that one can see from 
 my window," said Mr. Heathcote.
 
 340 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " You Lad much better go to church, much bettc r 
 But of course your soul is your own," said Sir Robert. 
 
 " You won't have much body left when you get back : 
 it is a good twenty miles," remarked Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " Oh, that is nothing," replied Mr. Ramsay. 
 
 "Forty miles there and back! Are they crazy?" 
 Mrs. Ketchum asked of Mabel sotto voce ; to which a 
 smile and shake of the head came in answer. " The 
 day is very damp, Job. I am almost afraid to go out ; 
 but it is my duty, and I will." 
 
 " That's right, ma. Do your duty. It is a good earthly 
 as well as heavenly investment," replied Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 "But I wish, son, that you would live in Kalsing, 
 next to the church, or in New York, which would be 
 better. I saw a beautiful house advertised in the neigh 
 borhood of'Trinity Church the other day, and wrote to 
 ask about it,"" said Mrs. Ketchum, who was always in 
 spirit moving the family away from Fairfield. 
 
 "You are too speculative, ma, entirely," said he. 
 " You are like my partner, Richardson, who would write 
 to ask the Czar what he would take for the Winter 
 Palace, if I'd let him, when if steamships were a dollar 
 u dozen he couldn't put up enough to buy a gang-plank. 
 I can't move next to a church, because all you womenites 
 belong to different ones ; but I can take a room for you 
 in the steeple and have an elevator put in that will 
 make close connection with the services, if you like." 
 
 " Don't be irreverent, my son," said Mrs. Ketchum, 
 who, like some other Protestants, believed in an infal 
 lible steeple, if not an infallible Pope. " I don't expect 
 my wishes to be considered in anything." 
 
 "Oh, come, now, ma; that isn't fair. Except that I
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 341 
 
 married to suit myself, which is about the only foolish 
 thing that I have done, I have been tolerably obedient, 
 I think," said Mr. Ketchum, aware that he was on dan 
 gerous ground. 
 
 " Do tell us about it. You wanted him to marry 
 some one else, some one with a fortune, didn't you ?" 
 said Mrs. Sykes. " Quite natural, I am sure." 
 
 " She wanted me to marry the ugliest woman east 
 of the Kockies," said Mr. Ketchum. " But I couldn't 
 stand that face behind my cups and saucers three hun 
 dred and sixty-five days in the year, and I bolted to 
 England, where my wife picked me up." 
 
 " She wasn't so ugly at all, Job, except that her nose 
 was a little aquiline," protested Mrs. Ketchum. 
 
 " Aquiline as a camel's back," asserted her son, in an 
 aside. 
 
 " And her hair was rather auburn," Mrs. Ketchum 
 went on, in reluctant concession. 
 
 " Call it pink, as the English do their hunting-coats," 
 suggested he, smiling. 
 
 " But such a dear, good girl, you quite forgot that she 
 wasn't exactly handsome" (" No, not precisely," inter 
 jected he) " when you came to know her." 
 
 " That I never did. It might as a speculation have 
 done to get a cast of her face for andirons to keep the 
 American child from falling into the fire; but marry 
 her I Good Lord ! When I eat anything now that dis 
 agrees with me, I dream of Emily's mouth," affirmed 
 Mr. Ketchum, with the most laughing mirth in his eyes, 
 his mobile features expressing volumes. 
 
 " Her mouth was large, and her teeth a little promi 
 nent. But you shall not abuse Emily any more. You 
 
 29*
 
 ^42 ON BOTH SIDEV. 
 
 would have been very happy with her, I can tell you," 
 asserted Mrs. Ketchum. " You would have got over 
 her mouth." 
 
 " I might in time have got around it, and I could 
 easily have got into it, but I should never have got over 
 it in the world," affirmed Mr. Ketchum, with decision. 
 " I would rather be married to that Puseyite there, un 
 happy as I am." 
 
 This closed the little duel between the mother and 
 son, and another laugh drowned Mabel's remark to Miss 
 Noel, which was, " Husband is in one of his joking 
 moods, and does not mean that he is really unhappy at 
 all. He should not say such things, they are so very 
 misleading." 
 
 When quiet was restored, a discussion followed about 
 the parties in the English Church, and, the question 
 being raised as to who was the head of the Low Church 
 party, Mr. Ketchum had just said, " Why, Lucifer, of 
 course," when, amid general merriment, Miss Brown 
 walked in, saying, " I never heard of such an uproarious 
 Sunday party. Are you ready, Ethel ? We ought to 
 be off," which practically ended the meal, for first Mr. 
 Eamsay and then the others left the table, he to talk to 
 Bijou, they to get ready for church. Job's eyes fol 
 lowed Mr. Ramsay, and he said to Sir Bobert, " What a 
 charming girl Mrs. De Witt was in the old Cheltenham 
 days ! Heathcote didn't make the landing there, and 
 I'm sorry." 
 
 " So am I. She is an immense favorite of mine," said 
 Sir Eobert. " As charming as ever ! It was a more 
 serious thing than I thought it would be. I doubt 
 \* bother he ever marries."
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 343 
 
 " She was a born enchantress, Jenny was," he replied. 
 " Some women are like poison oak, once get them in 
 your system, and they will break out on you every 
 spring for fifty years, if you live that long, fresh and 
 painful as ever. But as for his marrying, some one of 
 our girls will enter for the Consolation stakes, very 
 likely, and he will be married before he knows what 
 has hurt him." 
 
 " A consummation devoutly to be wished," said Sir 
 Bobert. " He is my heir, you know." 
 
 In a few minutes Ethel joined Bijou, who looked at 
 her rather hard, as she felt. Ethel wore a simple serge 
 dress, heavy boots, a stout frieze jacket, and a hat of a 
 shape unknown in America, that seemed to be all cocks' 
 plumes. Her eyes being weak, she had put on her 
 smoked glasses. The day being damp, and her chest 
 delicate, she had added her respirator. " I am nicely 
 protected, am I not ?" she said contentedly. " I had a 
 severe cold last winter, from which I am not quite re 
 covered, and auntie thinks I had best be prudent. Are 
 you ready ?" 
 
 " Not quite," said Bijou. " I want to see Mrs. Ket 
 chum a moment." She ran off, accordingly, into the 
 library in search of the old lady, whom she found there 
 looking out the lessons, it being her practice to verify 
 every word the clergyman road, and no small satisfac 
 tion to catch him tripping. " Do, Mrs. Ketchum, speak 
 to Ethel and get her to take off those machines and 
 put on something stylish," said Bijou. "I am really 
 ashamed to take her into our pew ; people will stare so. 
 She is a perfect fright. The idea of a girl making her- 
 self look like that!"
 
 344 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Mrs. Ketchum, however, declined to interfere, and 
 when Bijou got back to the drawing-room Ethel was 
 missing. Taking advantage of Bijou's absence, she 
 had gone up-stairs, and, during the library interview, 
 was saying to her aunt, " You never saw anything got 
 up as she is, silk, and satin, and lace, and bracelets, 
 and feathers, and what not. And for church, too ! I 
 wonder she should turn out like that: she should have 
 better taste. I really don't quite like going with her. 
 she looks so conspicuous, just as if she were going to 
 a garden-party or flower show, for all the world." 
 When they met again, both girls looked a little conscious, 
 and Ethel said, " How very smart you are !" 
 
 " Why, this is an old dress that I put on for fear it 
 might rain," said Bijou. " Don't you hate having to 
 wear goggles and cages and things ? It must be per 
 fectly horrid." 
 
 "I don't mind. Of course one isn't looking one's 
 best; but that is of no consequence. Health is the 
 first consideration," said Ethel. "Ah! there comes 
 your father." 
 
 Of the walk it need only be said that it was very 
 pleasant going, and rained a little coming back ; that 
 Ethel produced her "goloshes," put up her umbrella, 
 and walked home as serenely as her concern for Bijou 
 would admit. That young lady had on paper-soled 
 boots that got soaking wet, a fine summer parasol that 
 she seemed to think fulfilled every office that was 
 desirable in shielding her bonnet, a dress ill fitted to 
 resist chill or dampness. She persisted that she was 
 " all right," while her pretty teeth chattered ; but she 
 caught a violent cold, and was in beH a week, while
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 345 
 
 Ethel came down to dinner as rosy as Baby Ketchum, 
 and ate as heartily as Mr. Ramsay and Mr. Heathcote, 
 who certainly showed themselves good trenchermen. 
 Mrs. Ketchum persisted in regarding the two young 
 men very much as though they had been returned 
 Arctic travellers, and amused them not a little by sug 
 gesting that they should lie down all the evening. 
 
 " Why, we haven't turned a hair. We are as fit as a 
 fiddle," they exclaimed, and looked anything but un- 
 etrung. 
 
 Ethel had made one speech that morning that aston 
 ished Bijou considerably. " Do you know, I have been 
 watching you ever since I have known you," she said, 
 "to see if it was true? That is, that the American 
 ladies spat on all occasions, as I have read. Don't think 
 me rude to mention it." 
 
 " We don't quarrel any more than any one else," said 
 Bijou, quite misunderstanding. 
 
 " I don't mean that, you know : expectorate. And I 
 see it was not true at all. I have not seen it once," 
 explained Ethel. 
 
 "I should think not ! Well, I do think ! How could 
 you believe such ridiculous nonsense?" asked Bijou 
 indignantly. 
 
 "Don't be vexed, Bijou dear. I did not mean to 
 make unkind reflections. It was only that I had read 
 a stupid book about America," said Ethel; and peace 
 was restored. 
 
 As for the other members of the party, they had gone 
 to a handsome church in Kalsing, which boasted the 
 best stained glass in the- country and was thoroughly 
 ohurchlv and attractive. Here they not only heara
 
 346 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 good music, but one of the most eloquent preachers in 
 "the American branch of the English establishment," 
 as Sir Robert called the Episcopalian communion. 
 
 It amused Mr. Ketchum not a little to see the way 
 m which the baronet conducted his devotions, his pre 
 liminary prayer in his silk hat, from which streamed a 
 halo of side-whiskers, the heartiness with which he 
 joined in the service, especially the way in which, 
 avoiding all the compromises the male American prac 
 tises in prayer-time (such as bending forward a little, 
 or leaning back pensively with the hand shading the 
 face), he plumped squarely down on his knees, turned 
 up a pair of shoes half as long as his very respectable, 
 tightly-rolled umbrella, and made his responses in a clear, 
 audible voice, like an honest gentleman and a miserable 
 sinner. 
 
 It did not escape Mr. Ketchum's keen eyes, either, 
 that although Sir Robert contributed a five-dollar bill 
 to the offertory, he first rolled it up into a tiny, unrec 
 ognizable wad before dropping it into the alms-basin. 
 The service over, Sir Robert and the eminent divine 
 were made acquainted. The latter said he would call 
 as soon as he could snatch a moment, and Sir Robert, 
 his hands folded behind his back, holding his hat and 
 gloves, made the rounds of the church, inspecting every 
 bit of carving, frescoing, glass, and brass, and making 
 'the most intelligent criticisms upon what he saw to 
 Miss Noel in a whisper. Mrs. Sykes sat still in the 
 pew, fuming at being " let in for a charity sermon," for 
 some inexplicable reason, seeing she had given nothing 
 to the charity. Miss Noel was stopped at the door by 
 no loss a person than Captain Kendall, who had suddenly
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 347 
 
 discovered that he had a great-aunt living in Kalsing, 
 whom he must see, and now stood there saying, " Where 
 is Miss Ethel ? How is it that you are here without 
 her ? I hope she is quite well." 
 
 "My niece, Miss Heathcote, is quite well, thanks, 
 and has gone to church elsewhere," said Miss Noel, with 
 dignity, intending to mildly repress a young gentleman 
 whom she thought a little too free with his "Miss 
 Ethels." 
 
 " Then I will have the pleasure of calling upon you 
 to-morrow," said Captain Kendall, unabashed and joy 
 ous, as he walked away. 
 
 So active an intelligence as Sir Eobert's requires 
 plenty of food, and when Mrs. Ketchum senior issued 
 from her room about ten the next morning, whom 
 should she meet in the hall but the baronet in a state 
 of the most overflowing energy and brilliant good 
 humor, dressed in a suit of striped red-and-white 
 "pajamas," having on his head a paper cap, under his 
 arm a roll of designs, and in his mind the delightful 
 intention of painting the ceiling of Mabel's boudoir! 
 
 " Good-morning, madam. Here we are," he said, 
 shaking his box of paints and stencils at her. "I have 
 improvised a scaffolding, and am now going to work 
 >n my outlines. I planned the whole thing in bed last 
 night, and, unless I am much mistaken, we are going 
 to have the prettiest boudoir in this part of the country. 
 I shall do a panel or two to get the effect, and any 
 workman can finish it." 
 
 " But can you do it ?" asked Mrs. Ketchum, amazed, 
 but inte\'ested. 
 
 l - You shall see / frescoed the chapel on my place
 
 343 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 at home, and I may say there have been worse pieces 
 of work," replied Sir Kohert, descending the stairs ae 
 he spoke, eager to get to work. 
 
 " Is he raving crazy, Mabel ? What on earth has he 
 got on ? He isn't respectable. I declare to goodness, he 
 has set my heart beating so I shan't get over it all day,' 1 
 said the startled lady to her daughter-in-law, whn 
 joined her just then. 
 
 " Oh, for shame, ma, to give yourself away like that I 
 Fashionable men wear those costumes altogether now," 
 said Mr. Ketchum, coming up. " You see, Daisy, that 
 if I shocked him beyond expression yesterday morning, 
 as you said I should, he has horrified me to death to 
 day : so I guess we are quits. Come along : let's go 
 down to see the trapeze-performance." 
 
 Down they went, and, meeting Mr. Ramsay, who was 
 coming up, Job stopped a moment to tell him to take 
 out any of the horses that he fancied. " Take the pie 
 balds," said he, " if you'd like to have a drive, and take 
 some nice girl Miss Ethel or Bijou Brown for a two- 
 forty shine." 
 
 " Thanks awfully," said Mr. Eamsay. " But I think 
 E had better that is, I had rather ask Heathcote." 
 
 " You are horribly welcome, but I don't think much 
 of your taste," replied Mr. Ketchum, not understanding 
 what a proposition he had made. 
 
 In the lower hall they found the eminent divine, irre 
 proachably clerical and dignified, and Captain Kendall, 
 just arrived. Sir Robert, hearing voices, came out, 
 brush in hand, to welcome them, producing quite as 
 great an impression on them as on Mrs. Ketchum. " J 
 belong to the working- classes now. Just you come here
 
 0^ THIS SIDE. 349 
 
 and see how the fine arts are prospering in the State of 
 Michigan," said he, and led them into the boudoir 
 where, after some conversation, he nimbly ran up a 
 step-ladder, laid himself out on the scaffolding, and, 
 with a bold, free touch, went on sketching a procession 
 of Cupids which was to go around the base of the small 
 dome, talking all the while with the utmost animation 
 to the guests below. " As soon as I get in this fellow 
 riding a dolphin, I shall be entirely at your service," 
 said he. " No considerations of respect and attachment 
 to the Church or fear of the Army can influence me 
 just now." 
 
 The two gentlemen begged that he would go on ; the 
 ladies came in, and together they passed an agreeable 
 morning,. Sir Eobert declaring that on the scaffold he 
 was entitled to benefit of clergy, and begging the emi 
 nent divine when he left to let him have his ghostly 
 counsel every day for at least a week. In spite of hia 
 eminence, this gentleman had no very great breadth of 
 view. To sit about on boxes and window-seats, pic 
 nicking in an empty room, while the stranger upon 
 whom he had come to call lay above him in red paja 
 mas, painting Cupids on the ceiling, was to his mind 
 monstrously indecorous. It was amusing to see the 
 dignified way in which he took the pleasantries of the 
 party ; and he made no response to Sir Robert's fare 
 well overture except a bow. " Your guest is a very 
 entertaining man," he said to Mr. Ketchum, who ac 
 companied him to the hat-rack, " but is he quite quite 
 you understand ?" 
 
 " Perfectly so," said Job, with a laugh. " Head and 
 heart both of the best, as you will find out when you 
 
 30
 
 350 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 know him better. You are coming back to dinner, 
 ain't you, to help us out with the fatted calf?" 
 
 The dinner was a very elegant affair of twenty-five 
 covers, given to the guests, the first of a series of enter 
 tainments planned in their honor. All the notable 
 people of the neighborhood were represented at it. 
 The scandalized divine returned to partake of it, and, 
 seeing Sir Eobert in a dress-suit, dignified, polished, of 
 preternatural respectability, not to say distinction, look 
 ing the pillar of Church and State that he was, and 
 talking with due gravity of the tariff, free trade, and 
 the like ponderous subjects, concluded to overlook the 
 mad behavior of the morning, and, joining him, gave 
 him a long account of the Indian missions of the 
 Church. Unconscious of having done anything that 
 might be regarded as eccentric, Sir Robert was all affa 
 bility, soon grew interested, asked a number of ques 
 tions as to the death-rate among the tribes, the preva 
 lence of smallpox and cholera among them, the spread 
 of civilization, confirmed nomadism, traces of Jewish 
 rites, and so on, thanked him for a " very profitable 
 half-hour," and said he should send a little check to be 
 applied in any way he might see fit, obliterating thereby 
 the last trace of the previous prejudice. This, indeed, 
 was replaced by something very like enthusiasm when 
 there came next day a slip of paper representing five 
 Hundred dollars, also a note from the donor, saying that 
 ho should be glad to know that some portion of the 
 sum enclosed had gone to an industrial school, if any 
 such existed, where the young Indian women could 
 learn to boil a potato properly, and the use of brooms 
 and pails and scrubbing-brushes. " You must first clean
 
 (Xtf THIS SIDE. 351 
 
 them and then convert them : get them into the bath-tub, 
 and you can take them anywhere," said Sir Eobert, with 
 great truth and perspicacity. 
 
 " One doesn't get such a dinner, except at a few great 
 houses, outside of London or Paris," Mrs. Sykes was 
 pleased to say when it was over. " I have found out 
 that almost everything was ordered from New York ; 
 and a pretty penny it must have cost. Not that this 
 man cares. I dare say he is only too glad to have the 
 chance of entertaining me, that is, us. I was sent in 
 with a waspish little man that turned suddenly crusty 
 on my hands and was an owl for the rest of the time ; 
 but I was rather glad to be able to devote myself to my 
 dinner for once." 
 
 Mrs. Sykes's escort had " turned crusty" because that 
 lady, following her instinct of ingratiation, had said to 
 him, " All the gentry of this country are in the South, 
 aren't they ? They don't live about here, do they ?" 
 not from a prejudice in favor of Southerners at all, as 
 was proved when she went to New Orleans later and 
 promptly asked the first acquaintance she made whether 
 all the* education was not at the North. 
 
 The week that followed was a very gay one, the 
 Ketchums' friends in the neighborhood and in Kalsing 
 being most intent on hospitable thoughts and providing 
 something agreeable in the shape of an entertainment 
 for every night. Every moment of the day, too, of 
 every day was filled up. It seemed to Mrs. Ketchum 
 that' "those English people," as she called them, were 
 never idle, and had discovered the secret of perpetual 
 motion. 
 Sir Eobert hud the boudoir, to which he devoted ex-
 
 35*5 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 actly two hours after breakfast. He had a geological 
 chart of America, with what he felt to be melancholy 
 blanks for the chalk and oolite beds of his own county 
 and appropriate fossils indicated by an index-finger in 
 red ink. He had the Poor-Law and electoral systems 
 to master, as well as the prison systems of the different 
 States. He had to prove that the Mound-Builders and 
 the race that built the buried cities of Central America 
 were one and the same. He had innumerable questions, 
 political, social, agricultural, pressing upon him, from the 
 history of spiritualism, the purity of the ballot, and the 
 McCormack reaper, down to certain expressions that 
 immensely struck and pleased him, which had to be 
 entered in the diary as "unconscious poetry of tho 
 Westerners," such phrases as " the fall" (of the leaf), 
 " morning-glories," " dancing like a breeze," " Daphnes" 
 (instead of laurels), and many more, which he hoped 
 would be " permanently engrafted on the mother- 
 tongue." There were other entries to be made, " cus 
 toms of the Westerners," their "descent," "taxation," 
 ' climate" (as affected by the Great Lakes), " popula 
 tion in 1900," and so on. There were books, books, 
 books, to be read, referred to, ordered. There was even 
 a little taxidermy to be done, and the " native birds" to 
 be first sought, then bought, then prepared, and packed 
 to be sent back to England. The others, if not quite 
 so busy, were anything but idle. Miss Noel walked her 
 five miles a day. She was out sketching for hours 
 under her umbrella, no matter what the weather* was, 
 and only said, " Thank you for your kind concern, but 
 [ am quite equal to it," when Mrs. Ketchum, astonished 
 to see a woman of her own age enduring such fatigue
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 353 
 
 and running such risks, undertook to remonstrate with 
 her. " One must get one's constitutional, you know, 
 and one must not mind a drop or two. There has been 
 no really bad weather yet, nothing to keep one in 
 doors, at least." If she stayed in-doors, she and Mrs. 
 Sykes (when the latter was not scouring the country on 
 foot or horseback) interested themselves in their plants, 
 minerals, seeds, drawings, the herbarium, the Ward 
 case, the diaries and letters and fancy-work, the beauti 
 ful collection of sea- weed sent by Miss Marlow from New 
 England, and a dozen things besides. Mr. Heathcote, 
 meanwhile, was walking, and riding, and visiting, and, 
 above all, photographing. He got a small covered cart, 
 into which he would put his photographic apparatus 
 and go the rounds of the country-side alone, getting his 
 luncheon as he could, and coming back late in the even 
 ing, flushed with heat and victory, bringing amusing 
 accounts of his experiences, a bouquet as of an apothe 
 cary-shop, and "proofs'" of "a lane, quite an English- 
 looking lane," " a dog on the chain," " rear view of an 
 American public" (house), " Saint Lieuk's Church" (five 
 different aspects), " what the natives call an ' ash-hop 
 per,' came out beautifully," " children among the hay- 
 cocks, very indistinct," " squatter's hut on the edge of 
 a common," " Western American farm-house," " negro 
 dust-man," "village beauty," and many others. He 
 was much complimented upon them all by Mr. Ket- 
 chum, who enjoyed the whole collection and made 
 comments and suggestions of the most delightful kind. 
 Mr. Heathcote looked infinitely pleased and flattered 
 when told by him that they had " a cold, professional 
 air," and asked for copies of some of them, after which 
 x 30*
 
 J54 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 he was eclipsed behind his black cloth and instrument 
 for two days, had his room darkened to a Cimmerian 
 pitch, worked very diligently, and presented the fruits 
 of his labors to his host with the modest depreciation 
 but secret delight of the artist, smiling indulgently at 
 Mr. Eamsay, with his, " I say, old chappy, what an out- 
 and-out swell you are at it, to be sure ! You must do 
 the horses." Thus encouraged, Mr. Heathcote did the 
 horses, the house, the family grouped inside and outside, 
 Master Jared Ponsonby, Hannibal Hamlin, Master Bobo 
 and Miss Blanche, the poultry, and (aided by mirrors) 
 himself in almost every dress and attitude which it is 
 possible for a man to assume. He must have spent a 
 small fortune in chemicals alone, and all his talk was of 
 light and shadow, background, draperies, foreground, 
 plates, and proofs ; every table was strewn with photo 
 graphs, finished and not finished, mounted, or curled up 
 like paper crumpets. 
 
 Mr. Ramsay, too, had his little diversions, not pre 
 cisely scientific, but amusing. He was in and out of 
 the stables all day long, and was loved by every animal 
 on the place. Such long-suffering and good nature 
 Master Ketchum had never seen, except in Fraulein 
 Schmidt ; and then the strength, the resources, the con 
 versation of his new friend enchanted the child, who 
 followed him about, perched on his shoulder, played 
 games with him, and had to be carried away from him 
 struggling by his nurse. Mr. Ramsay had other occu 
 pations : he rode, he fished, he cleaned his guns, he got 
 over leagues and leagues of ground, he killed several 
 snakes and captured scores of insects. He caught 
 dozens of tree-frogs, for one thing, and shut them all
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 355 
 
 up together in the drawing-room coal-scuttle, where he 
 peeped at them from time to time, well satisfied. Ho 
 played little tunes on his chin, asked conundrums, 
 showed Job a great many tricks at cards, and two 
 French puzzles (saying, "Those French beggars are 
 awfully sharp at that kind of thing, you know") ; he 
 played " God Save the Queen" with one finger on the 
 piano, held skeins of wool for the ladies, shut doors, got 
 shawls, and really need have done none of these ardu 
 ous duties, for in looking so handsome and so jolly from 
 Monday morning until Saturday night he contributed 
 his quota toward the carrying on of society, and all 
 beside were works of supererogation. When these 
 palled upon him a little, one morning, as was shown by 
 his picking up a book, he looked very unhappy for ten 
 minutes, and then, making a pass at his face with one 
 of his beautiful hands, he cried out, " No fellow can read 
 badgered like this. There's a regular brute of a fly 
 that has been lighting on my nose every half-second 
 since I sat down," closed the book, smiled, and said, " I 
 may as well call upon Mr. Brown while I have time," 
 and took himself off. This happened on the ninth day 
 after his arrival, and with it began a new era in his ex 
 istence. He not only went to Mr. Brown's that day, 
 but the next, and the day after that. In short, he had 
 found an amusement best expressed in the French 
 equivalent distraction. He rode with Bijou, and re 
 ported to Mr. Heathcote that she was " a clinker at her 
 fences, and went at them as straight as an English girl." 
 He taught her a good deal about the management of 
 her reins and animal, and admitted that she was "a 
 plucky one." If she had only consented to get an Eng-
 
 356 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 lish saddle (which, she declined to do, with one of hei 
 customary exaggerations, saying that she " didn't want 
 a thousand pommels"), to rise in that saddle, and to 
 have the tail of her horse cropped properly, he would 
 have been quite happy. As it was, he acknowledged 
 that in her own fashion she was a most graceful and 
 fearless horsewoman, and approved of her accordingly. 
 It soon struck him that she did other things well. Used 
 to the reserved and rather constrained manner of most 
 English girls, he found a great charm in her bright 
 gayety, her frank cordiality, the good-humored com 
 radeship and absence of stiffness, untainted by vulgarity. 
 For, although Bijou was not high-bred, distinguished, 
 or clever, she was a girl of real refinement, and he had 
 the wit to see it. Her merry tongue and generous and 
 affectionate heart, neither chilled nor hardened yet by 
 contact with the world, were very attractive, and it is 
 just possible that he felt the influence of her piquantly- 
 pretty face. At any rate, he had found a great number 
 of imperative reasons for going to Brown's, when one 
 morning, as he was opening the little wicket-gate that 
 admitted him to their croquet-field, he saw something 
 that gave him an unpleasant shock. It was a buggy in 
 front of the door, in which sat Bijou, charmingly ar 
 rayed, smiling upon a gentleman who had just helped 
 her in and was only deterred from taking the seat wait 
 ing for him by her calling out, " Stop, till I fix my skirts 
 and put up my parasol," the gentleman being his cousin, 
 Mr. Edward Plummer, alias Drummond. The sight of 
 Mr. Plummer enraged him. Bijou's cheerful air did not 
 improve matters, and for the first time he felt irritated 
 at her American speech and accent. " ' Fix my skirts,' "
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 357 
 
 he quoted discontentedly, as he watched them drive off, 
 and then, after a moment's indecision, he stalked angrily 
 up to the front door, pulled the bell fiercely, and asked 
 to see Mr. Brown. He was almost immediately ushered 
 into the library, where Mr. Brown was sitting. 
 
 " Good-morning, sir. I am glad to see you. I am 
 sorry to say that Bijou is out. She has gone driving 
 with our guest: an English guest, by the way, Mr. 
 Drummond. He oame on with us from New York, and 
 has been here ever since, except the last two weeks 
 which he has spent in Chicago," said Mr. Brown. 
 
 " That's what I've come about," blurted out Mr. 
 Ramsay, the moment there was a pause. " His name 
 isn't Drummond at all : it is Plummer. And he isn't fit 
 to be a guest in any decent house, and I've come to tell 
 you so and have you give him the sack and put him to 
 the door at once. Excuse me meddling, but you have 
 been very kind to me and received me most hospitably, 
 and I am not going to see you taken in by a rascal and 
 a blackguard." 
 
 Mr. Brown was shocked, but did not show it. He 
 prided himself on being very logical and dispassionate 
 and judicial, and was privately convinced that he would 
 have greatly adorned the legal profession if Pate had 
 been kinder. Besides, Mr. Drummond was his guest 
 and there by his invitation, which to his mind was 
 strong presumptive proof that Mr. Ramsay's charges 
 were without foundation. " Grave accusations these, 
 Mr. Ramsay, very grave accusations. I trust you are 
 making them upon some better grounds than mere per 
 sonal prejudice or idle rumor, if you expect me to bo- 
 them. Not that I mean any discourtesy to you.
 
 358 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 sir, in saying this," he said, in his roundest, most im 
 pressive tones. 
 
 " "What do you mean ? The fellow was sent to Cov 
 entry by his regiment and forced to resign, his father 
 has cut him off with a shillin', he can't show his face in 
 London, and he has been kicked out of his club for 
 keepin' too many aces up his sleeve. I should think 
 that was grounds enough for an accusation. Do you 
 suppose I go about inventin* lies to take away other 
 people's characters ?" said Mr. Kamsay excitedly. 
 
 "Do not exaggerate. Be calm; be reasonable," said 
 Mr. Brown. " Observe, I do not accuse you of wilful 
 misrepresentation, but of misapprehension, perhaps of 
 prejudice. There is a difference. Note it, and do not 
 take offence, my young friend, too readily." 
 
 " I am not offended, but what I say is true, and I 
 hope you will act upon it, so that Miss Brown shall not 
 go out ridin' round the country with that " began Mr. 
 Eamsay, only to be interrupted by 
 
 "No violence; no excitement. Let us look at the 
 thing rationally," from Mr. Brown. " Mr. Drummond 
 is my guest, my guest, remember ; introduced to me 
 by one of the first men in New York ; received every 
 where. You are both strangers to me. This is a matter 
 of purely individual testimony," Mr. Brown went on, 
 feeling that he was growing exquisitely subtile, and 
 clothing himself in imaginary ermine as he spoke. 
 " He may tell me that you are a rascal. In that event, 
 how am I to know who is the honest man and who the 
 villain ? Shall I believe you, or shall I believe him, in 
 the absence of documentary evidence and disinterested 
 statement? As my guest, he has, if anything, the
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 359 
 
 prior claim to consideration; though I am far from 
 saying that whatever views you may advance will not 
 have equal weight with me, as views, mark you." 
 
 "You can believe who you please and what you 
 please," said Mr. Ramsay ; " but remember that I have 
 given you warnin'. He may be your guest, but he is 
 my cousin, and I should think that I ought to know 
 what I am talkin' about. There is no necessity for me 
 stay in' any longer." 
 
 He rose to go, but Mr. Brown stopped him by a 
 gesture. "A cousin!" he exclaimed. "Do not excite 
 yourself; be calm. On the face of it, that would seem 
 conclusive; but appearances are notoriously deceitful. 
 Will you assure me on your honor that there is no 
 motive, no family feud, at the bottom of this ? Cousins 
 do not go about the world denouncing each other as a 
 rule. Family pride, affection, a thousand things, prevent 
 them from making such things public ; but still it is not 
 impossible. I do not say that it is impossible ; only im 
 probable, very improbable. Give me your word, though, 
 that there is no motive, we must always look for a 
 motive in these cases, and I will promise to give the 
 matter full and impartial investigation." 
 
 "I'll do nothin' of the sort. I will bid you good- 
 morning," exclaimed Mr. Ramsay, reaching out im 
 petuously for his hat. 
 
 "You have meant well, perhaps. I am obliged to 
 3^ou, if such be the case. I will bear what you have 
 said in mind, and let you know my decision," said Mr. 
 Brown, delivering a verdict from the bench. 
 
 " Just as you please," replied Mr. Ramsay haughtily 
 and so they parted.
 
 ;}60 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Left to himself, however, Mr. Brown ceased to be 
 judicial, and became practical. He recalled, as he sat 
 there, a number of circumstances that had not impressed 
 him favorably in connection with his guest. Mr. Drum- 
 mond had borrowed a considerable sum of him, on the 
 ground of delayed remittances. Mr. Drummond had 
 filled his pockets with his host's Havanas in the most 
 scandalous fashion, yet never had a cigar. Mr. Drum 
 mond had done a number of ill-bred things that he had 
 not liked, such as ordering the carriage to be got ready 
 on his own responsibility, lending valuable books with 
 out so much as asking permission, and the like. The 
 longer Mr. Brown thought of the late interview, the 
 more uneasy he felt. The paper had dropped from his 
 hand, and he was still deep in his uncomfortable medita 
 tions, when the door opened, and his daughter ran to 
 him and threw herself into his arms, crying hysterically, 
 "Oh, popper, popper! Oh! oh! oh!" 
 
 We will extricate the story of what had happened 
 from the sobs and interruptions to which Mr. Brown 
 had to submit, and preface it with some account of the 
 relations between Bijou and Mr. Drummond-Plummer 
 or Plummer-Drummond. 
 
 They had met in New York the previous winter, 
 where Mr. Drummond had suddenly appeared, put up 
 at a fashionable hotel, and, with no other credentials 
 than his handsome person, good manners, and bold 
 assertions that he was related to certain great people 
 in England, had been accepted in society with that 
 beautiful faith and charity that believeth all things an 
 Englishman of supposed position may choose to say of 
 himself, in spite of much disastrous experience of
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 361 
 
 foreign adventurers both painful and ludicrous. At 
 tracted by Bijou, he promptly satisfied himself of the 
 stability and reality of her father's fortune, and began 
 to lay siege to her hand : about her heart he gave him 
 self small concern. Now, Bijou was a Western belle, 
 and was in the habit of receiving any amount of 
 attention. At seventeen a famous racer and a steam 
 boat had already been named for her. The local news 
 papers chronicled her toilets and triumphs. Her little 
 sitting-room was a sentimental hall of Eblis, full of 
 shapes with hearts that were one burning coal, bright 
 with the sacred flame. She had a large album which 
 she called her " him-book," because it contained nothing, 
 but the photographs of her admirers. She had hats, 
 and bats, and caps, and whips, and cravats, and oars, 
 and canes disposed about it tastefully, souvenirs of 
 various persons, times, and places, and talked of the 
 original owners in a way that made Ethel's blue eyes 
 open their widest when she came to be admitted there, 
 that decorous young person not being used, as she 
 frankly said, to hearing "a person of the opposite sex" 
 called "a perfect!} 7 lovely fellow," and his nose pro 
 nounced " a dream," though not in the sense of its 
 being broken or disjointed. 
 
 "Why, you wouldn't have me call you a lovely 
 fellow, would you?" said Bijou laughingly, as she 
 tripped about doing the honors of her den; showing 
 locks of hair (of which she had almost enough to stuff 
 a sofa-cushion), dry bouquets of vast dimensions, little 
 gifts she had received, verses and valentines that she 
 thought "perfectly splendid" or "too utterly killing 
 .for anything," and bundle after bundle of letters, the 
 Q 31
 
 362 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 adorers' letters, all of them, written from all parts of 
 the country, in every style. She read Ethel choice 
 passages from them with great glee, and gave spirited 
 sketches of her correspondents ; how she had met them 
 at Saratoga, Mt. Desert, " and pretty much every place ;" 
 how she had danced, flirted, walked, driven, sailed, 
 " crabbed," read, sung, talked with them, apparently 
 without either fear or reproach ; and of their appear 
 ance, dress, character, position, prospects, a full, if not 
 perfectly complete, history of her relations with them 
 that almost made Ethel's lower jaw drop as she listened. 
 There was no mention of mother, aunt, governess, or 
 .maid throughout. Bijou had gone away from home 
 with friends who had let her amuse herself in her own 
 fashion; and at home she was what De Tocqueville 
 has pronounced "the freest thing in the world, an 
 American girl in her father's house." Yet it was a 
 liberty that was worlds removed from license. Undis 
 ciplined she was, impulsive, indulged beyond all Euro 
 pean conceptions, but, in spite of a good deal of innocent 
 coquetry and vanity, effervescing in some foolish ways 
 very pardonable in a motherless girl, and of which a 
 great deal too much has been made in discussing 
 American girls, there was never one of any nation 
 more pure-hearted and womanly. Her worst devia 
 tions from rigidly conventional standards were better 
 than the best behavior of some very nice people, as 
 Swift defines them. "Nice people: people who are 
 always thinking of and looking out for nasty things." 
 Different training would have improved her. just as a 
 hot-house rose is more perfect than the wild one; but 
 she, too, was pink-petalled, had a heart of gold, and
 
 (XV THIS SIDE. 363 
 
 was full of lovely, fragrant qualities, like the English 
 variety near her. 
 
 " You correspond with twelve men ! Good heavens !" 
 exclaimed Ethel, when these open secrets had been re 
 vealed to her. " Don't tell auntie of it, I beg. She will 
 will misunderstand, I fear, and think it dreadful, and 
 perhaps prevent me being here so much. It is not at 
 all in accord with English ideas, you know, dear; and 
 auntie is rather stricter than moat, even there." 
 
 " Not tell ! Why not ?" asked Bijou. " What is there 
 to shock her ? She must be easily shocked. I have got 
 nothing to be ashamed of; and I shall tell the old dear 
 to-morrow." 
 
 " Does your father know it ?" said Ethel. 
 
 "Why, of course he does," replied Bijou impatiently, 
 " I generally read him the letters, and he laughs fit to 
 kill himself over some of them. Popper don't care one 
 bit. He says I am old enough to paddle my own canoe ; 
 and so I am. And he knows I don't care a pin about 
 any of them. It's great fun until you get tired of it. 
 I am tired of it now, rather. I used to write to twenty ; 
 but it has dwindled down to twelve, and I'm going to 
 drop two of those, because they are in the army and 
 are both stationed at the same post. You see, it is too 
 much trouble to write different letters to each one, so I 
 get up one bright, smart one that suits all around, and 
 copy it for them all, with some changes." 
 
 This speech almost stunned Ethel for a while. " But 
 doesn't it vex them very much to get such letters? 
 What if they should find it out ? And if you don't at 
 all care for them, why do it at all ?" 
 
 " Why, for the fun of the thing, goosie. Angry ?
 
 364 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 No. They do the same thing themselves. "Will Piper 
 sent Kate Price and me letters that were exactly the 
 same, word for word^ we compared them. That is 
 where I got the idea. Splendid one, isn't it ? I aro 
 just bent and determined on having stacks of fun before 
 I am married, because after that, you know, I shall be 
 laid on the shelf completely," said Bijou. 
 
 " But why should you be ' laid on the shelf ? I can't 
 make it out. Your life will be just beginning," said 
 Ethel. 
 
 " Well, because what is so is so," replied Bijou, show 
 ing her some patterns for slippers, watch-pockets, to 
 bacco-pouches, and so on, that she meant to work up 
 for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, " philopcenas," 
 and other festive occasions, as presents for the adorers. 
 
 It is perhaps clearer now why Bijou laid no stress 
 whatever on Mr. Drummond's attentions, while she 
 seemed to him to bfr receiving them with marked favor. 
 When, on their leaving New York, Mr. Brown had 
 asked him to go home with them and spend a month, 
 he looked upon the prize as won. Before going to 
 Chicago he had shown this so plainly that Bijou had 
 snubbed him roundly, a course so foreign to her amia 
 ble nature and hospitable creed that on his return she had 
 received him with a kindness that had revived all his 
 hopes, or rather designs. He utterly misunderstood 
 it, and easily persuaded himself that he was practically 
 irresistible. The drive of that afternoon had been 
 planned by him that he might ask the fateful question. 
 He had asked it, and, presumptuously taking her answer 
 for granted, had slipped an arm about her waist, when, 
 to his great surprise, he had found himself half ordered,
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 365 
 
 half pushed out of the buggy immediately, after which 
 Bijou, transported by fury, had laid the whip once 
 smartly across his shoulders and driven away at a gal 
 lop, leaving him standing in the middle of the road, an 
 angry man. 
 
 She went home, as we have seen, and told her father, 
 who was distinctly excited on hearing it, ordered Mr. 
 Drummond's effects to be packed and sent to the hotel 
 in Kalsing at once, forbade her ever taking another 
 drive with a stranger " the longest day she lived," and 
 would certainly have caned the offender with unparlia 
 mentary fervor, instead of being " reasonable" and let 
 ting the affair drop, had he known where to find him. 
 
 What Mr. Drummond did was to walk into Kalsing 
 and put up at a boarding-house there, where he spent 
 the evening glowering into vacancy blackly enough, 
 and showed his high breeding and respect for the other 
 boarders by taking off his shoes in the parlor and sitting 
 with his stockinged feet propped up on a chair in front 
 of him while he gave himself up to his reflections, 
 bitter thoughts of the past in which he had been an 
 English gentleman, desperate plans for his future as a 
 chevalier d'industrie, fierce abuse of Americans in general 
 and the Browns in particular, culminating in a fixed 
 resolve to leave " this beastly hole" next day ; which 
 was happily carried out. 
 
 Mr. Eamsay, offended, held aloof for a little while; 
 but, getting a note from Mr. Brown couched in few 
 words, and those to the effect that his warning had been 
 acted on and Mr. Drummond dismissed, he called next 
 day at the house, assured Mr. Brown with earnestness 
 that his cousin was " a precious rascal," gave some par- 
 
 81*
 
 366 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 ticulars of his shady career, and took up the threads of 
 his intimacy again, unvexed by any such ideas as that 
 he was at all responsible for or could be affected by hia 
 kinsman's disreputable behavior. Mr. Brown concealed 
 from him that he had lost some money by Mr. Drum- 
 mond. Bijou imagined that he must be " feeling dread 
 fully about it," and took great pains not to say anything 
 that could wound his imaginary susceptibilities as the 
 relative of a mauvais sujet. But the simple truth was 
 that, once assured that respectable people were not 
 being deluded or cheated by his cousin, Mr. Ramsay 
 had no further sensitiveness on the subject. The Browns 
 kept what he had told them even from the Retch urns, 
 only to hear him announce in all assemblies that a 
 cousin of his was " goin' about over here, an awful 
 swindler and ' leg,' and that the best thing people could 
 do would be to give him the widest sort of berth until he 
 got himself into the penitentiary, as he certainly would, 
 at least it was quite on the cards," smiling in cheerful 
 enjoyment of the possibility. Entertainments were 
 going on all the while in the neighborhood, and he had 
 ample opportunities of advertising the fact, all of which 
 he improved, while a puzzled audience knew not what 
 to make of so novel a situation, and were sorely put to 
 it for suitable replies as they stared at an Adonis in 
 Poole-cut clothes who sat and looked alternately at them 
 and his patent-leather court pumps and gay silk socks 
 while he affably denounced his father's nephew and 
 " hoped the blackguard was goin' to New Orleans and 
 would get the yellow fever there, which was beginnin' 
 to be had over from the Havana." 
 
 This last speech was made at a dinner-party which
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 367 
 
 Mr. Ketch urn's partner Mr. Eichardson had felt called 
 upon to give in honor of the English guests, and was 
 almost the only amusing feature of the evening to Job. 
 The Richardsons' house was one of those in which every 
 thing is provided on such occasions except amusement. 
 When their invitation came, Job said to his wife, " I 
 wish we could get out of going ; but we can't. I don't 
 know what is the matter with that house. It is one 
 of the handsomest in the city, elegantly furnished ; they 
 always have a crowd of people at their entertainments, 
 some of them delightful people to meet anywhere else, 
 but somehow there seems a kind of pall draped above 
 the front door that drops down behind you when you 
 enter and never lifts till you leave. Mrs. Richardson 
 puts on all her war-paint and feathers and goes ai'ound 
 all the evening anxiously trying to make the thing 
 go off, and it gets worse and worse every moment, so 
 dull and stupid that you can hardly keep awake and 
 not quite quiet enough for a good nap. Richardson 
 buys everything that is to be had, and then sits around 
 and looks as though he had a note to meet in bank and 
 no money to do it with. Altogether, it is about as lively 
 as a water-tank on the Pacific Railroad after the train 
 has gone. But it won't do to hurt their feelings : we 
 have got to go." 
 
 So they did, and it was stiff and formal beyond even 
 his expectation. The dinner was interminably long, 
 over-elaborate, and slowly served. They were all 
 sent in with the wrong people. The conversation all 
 but died again and again. Sir Robert was afflicted 
 by a deaf man, who shrieked, "Ha-ow?" and "What 
 say?" at him with brief intervals all during the meal.
 
 368 OAT BOTH SIDES. 
 
 . Mabel shrank into herself, and only ventured on a few 
 trite remarks. Mr. Ketchum's liveliness utterly evap 
 orated after the first ten minutes. It was quite ghastly, 
 and the move back to the drawing-room was a most 
 blessed relief. Mrs. Sykes had made no effort to lighten 
 the tedium of the dinner, and no sooner found it at an 
 end than she lolled back indifferently on the sofa, and, 
 picking up a book, coolly read it for more than an hour, 
 though twice interrupted by Mrs. Eichardson, who 
 vainly tried to substitute polite conversation the first 
 time, and offered a cup of tea the second. 
 
 " English breakfast ?" asked Mrs. Sykes loftily, raising 
 her eyes for a moment. " No ; I am afraid not. It is 
 green tea, I think." 
 
 " But do take some," replied Mrs. Eichardson. " It is 
 very nice indeed." 
 
 " No, thank you," said Mrs. Sykes very shortly, her 
 eyes on her book. ' 
 
 "Just one cup. Let me make it for you?" suggested 
 Mrs. Eichardson. 
 
 " Not for a five-pound note would I drink the poison 
 ous stuff. Say no more about it," replied Mrs. Sykes, 
 with delicate consideration, and turned over a page. 
 
 "Do take some coffee, then, or chocolate," insisted 
 Mrs. Eichardson. 
 
 "Nothing of any sort or kind whatever," snapped 
 Mrs. Sykes, turning away decidedly, to get a better 
 light on her book, apparently, but really to get rid of 
 her hostess. 
 
 Mr Ketchum, fearing to show indecent exultation 
 when the carriages were announced, repressed the satis 
 faction that would have expressed itself in gay speeches
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 369 
 
 of farewell. A decorous exit was made ; and as they 
 rolled away he gave a great sigh of relief, and exclaimed, 
 " I haven't had as much fun since I had the measles. 
 Mussiful Powers ! what an evening ! I feel like the boy 
 whose mother gave him a good beating for his own 
 sake. But all the same I shall have a word to say to 
 Mrs. Sykes to-morrow; and of course I shall have to 
 apologize for her behavior to Eichardson." 
 
 " Most insolent, unpardonable conduct, I call it," said 
 Sir Eobert. " She's an innately vulgar woman." 
 
 " Puts on an awful lot of side. I can't stand her. She 
 gives me the jumps. And she can tell a buster, too, 
 when she likes: I have found that out," put in Mr. 
 Ramsay. 
 
 " Well, I don't exactly hanker to be cast away on a 
 desert island with her, even supposing I was one of the 
 royal dukes and had taken the precaution of being 
 introduced while we were tying on the life-preservers, 
 in case of accidents," said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 What he said to Mrs. Sykes next morning no one evei 
 knew but the discreet Mabel. Not much, probably, but 
 that little was so much to the point that it had a decided 
 effect, two of them, indeed, one interior, the other ex 
 ternal. It increased her respect for him, and it made 
 her perfectly civil to all his friends, as far as constitution 
 and habit would allow. 
 
 " I cut her comb for her, and handled her without 
 gloves," was his report of the interview to his wife, who 
 was amazed at his nerve. 
 
 When Sir Eobert got a note addressed to " Lord 
 fleathcote, Baronet," beginning " Dear Sir," and signed 
 ' Very respectfully your obedient servant," and read it
 
 370 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 aloud at the breakfast-table as " a most extraordinary 
 production," Mrs. Sykes had absolutely no comments to 
 make. And when Ethel opened her letters and found 
 among them an invitation to take a buggy-drive, com 
 mencing " Dear Miss," Mrs. Sykes still held her peace, 
 a fact that was full of significance. 
 
 It was Miss Noel who said, "Really, Ettie dear, 1 
 can't have you driving about furiously in a gig without 
 a groom. But pray thank Mr. what is the name ? 
 Price for being so kind as to propose it, meaning to give 
 you pleasure. He has been so obliging, too, as to pro 
 cure tickets for us to the play, and has kindly offered 
 to escort us : I have a letter from him as well. A most 
 lovely day, this. There seems no end, really, to the fine 
 weather. Remind me to look at the thermometer after 
 breakfast, before the sun catches it, love. It must have 
 been quite two degrees hotter yesterday than the day 
 before ; but I neglected to make the entry in my jour 
 nal, and so cannot be quite positive. Only fancy ! Is 
 it not annoying ? I am getting sadly forgetful about 
 everything. And I so dislike guess-work and conjec 
 ture in a record of the kind. I should like to see the 
 rose-trees at home this morning: the garden must be 
 gay with flowers by this, though the last time I went 
 pottering about it in my pattens there was nothing out 
 but the blackthorn." 
 
 Other entertainments followed closely upon the din 
 ner, of which Mrs. Sykes complained to Miss Noel, 
 saying, " Why will they ask me out ? Why can't they 
 leave me alone ? Eeally, I shall not let any one know 
 that I am here, if anything ever brings me back to 
 America, which is most unlikely."
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 371 
 
 " There is nothing to prevent you staying at home if 
 you do not wish to go out," replied Miss Noel. " But 
 do you not like it ? I enjoy going to the Browns'. Mr. 
 Brown is a man of cultivated mind and Christian cour 
 tesy ; I like him very much ; and the people one meets 
 there are generally of superior station and refined edi* 
 cation. Why should you object to meeting them ?" 
 
 " American society may be nice some day, that is, 
 if it ever grows up. There doesn't seem to be anybody 
 in it now over twenty," grumbled Mrs. Sykes. 
 
 One result of the parties was that Mr. Ketchum, 
 going over to Mr. Brown's one morning, found all the 
 young people assembled there practising steps, the 
 "two-and-a-half," the "polka-glide," and other cheerful 
 evolutions. After watching Mr. Ramsay's efforts to do 
 as Bijou did, for a moment, he called out to her to know 
 what she was doing to a British subject under his pro 
 tection, and, being shown by Bijou (skirts held up a 
 little, the prettiest feet imaginable, daintily shod, and 
 the gliding, swaying, pirouetting, galopading, graceful 
 beyond expression), cried out, " Teaching him to dance, 
 are you? I thought he was practising heading off a 
 calf in a lane." This so exactly expressed the awkward 
 desperate plunges to the right and left which Mr. Ram 
 say was executing at the moment, that Mr. Heathcoto 
 had another of his acute attacks of appreciation, and 
 became almost a subject for sal volatile and burnt 
 feathers, Mr. Ramsay saying good-naturedly, " What a 
 fellow you are for chaffln', Ketchum! Just you hook 
 it out of this, will you, and let us get on with this? 
 One and two and a kick, you say, Miss Brown ? I am 
 such a duffer I can't get the kick,"
 
 372 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " You do the one and two make one, and leave the 
 kick to Miss Bijou," said Mr. Ketchum suggestively. 
 " Why aren't you gambolling like the playful antelope, 
 Heathcoto ?" 
 
 " I don't often gamble. I leave that to Ramsay, who 
 is an all-fired jewhillikens scratch at it, as you say over 
 here," replied Mr. Heathcote. 
 
 'You gamble a little differently, that is all. You 
 have dropped a good deal on loo first and last, for all 
 your wisdom," retorted Mr. Eamsay between his steps. 
 
 " Get out your ' Hand-Book of American slang,' my 
 boy, two dollars a volume, and you will retrieve all 
 your losses, I'll engage," said Mr. Ketchum laughingly, 
 as he walked away. 
 
 The dancing had been interrupted, however, and 
 Bijou and Mr. Ramsay retired to the bow- window to 
 talk. " Odd that I can't get it, isn't it ?" said he. " I 
 never was much of a dancin' man ; and I ought to 
 be, you know. I am not a readin' man; and a man 
 that is not a readin' man is nearly always a dancin' man. 
 The governor is a readin' man, and took a double-first ; 
 but I am like my poor mother, who was dull." Thus 
 launched, he gave her a full account of his relatives 
 and home with all his own frankness, and she, listening 
 with her heart as well as her ears, did not know 
 whether to smile or sigh : the phraseology of the reci 
 tal and its completeness amused her, but she also 
 divined the loneliness of such a boyhood. To her 
 great embarrassment, the tears rose in her eyes in 
 quick sympathy when she came to hear of the way he 
 was treated in his childish maladies. 
 
 " Poor little fellow !" she said softly, and, as she was
 
 JN THIS SIDE. 373 
 
 obliged to drop the white, thickly-fringed lids and fall 
 to pleating her handkerchief industriously, she felt 
 rather than saw that he was looking at her narrowly. 
 
 u?here was a moment's silence-, and then Mr. Kamsay 
 began talking again. " You are very happy here, aren't 
 you. You wouldn't like to leave it and go away to 
 [ndia, or Egypt, or or England, or anywhere ?" said 
 this particularly deep young man, and, without waiting 
 for any answer, except such as was afforded by her rosy 
 silence, went on : " American girls do have lots of fun, 
 I see that. I am afraid they are too fond of flirting, 
 though. English girls don't get much of a chance at 
 that, as girls. They don't amount to much until they 
 are married and get their own way." 
 
 "Why, they don't flirt after they are married, do 
 they?" said Bijou, in a horrified tone, her ideal of post- 
 matrimonial conduct being the exact opposite of the 
 ante-matrimonial. 
 
 "Oh, don't they, just!" said Mr. Ramsay cheerfully. 
 " You see, as girls they are heavily handicapped. They 
 can't do anything they like, or go anywhere ; it's awfully 
 slow for them, poor things. And so they naturally look 
 forward to the time when they will get their liberty as 
 well as a husband. But the competition must be some 
 thing awful. A fellow that has got a fine property or 
 money is regularly hunted down ; and even a poor devil 
 like me has to be monstrous careful. Cowrie, of the 
 Carbineers, who has got sixty thousand a year, says 
 that he can't go to certain houses, for fear they may 
 have a clergyman secreted about the place and will get 
 him spliced to the ugliest daughter before he can escape. 
 A wfully clever chap, Cowrie, a match for any mamma 
 
 82
 
 374 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 in England, I can tell you. He is not going to marry 
 any woman but the one he wishes to marry. No more 
 am I. That's why I can't marry. I've got no mony. 
 The governor picked out a young woman from Liver 
 pool for me last year, a brewer's daughter, with pots 
 of it, and wanted me to make up to her." 
 
 "Oh, he did! What did you do about it?" asked 
 Bijou, in a low voice. 
 
 " Well, you see, just then I was most awfully hard 
 up, and couldn't afford to break with the governor ; and 
 so" 
 
 " I'd be ashamed to say any more about it. Address 
 ing the girl just for her money!" interjected Bijou 
 warmly, disappointed that he had not scorned the 
 proposition utterly. 
 
 " It didn't go that far. I thought it might be a good 
 thing, you know. And so I tried it, spoonin', you 
 know," said he placidly. 
 
 " Ob, indeed !" commented Bijou sarcastically. " Yery 
 honorable of you, I am sure, and delightful for the girl 
 to have such a disinterested admirer. How did it end ?" 
 
 " How you do pick a fellow up !" remonstrated Mr. 
 Ramsay amiably. "It sounds awfully conceited to say 
 so, of course, but I think I could have carried off the 
 cup if I had liked. At least every one said she was 
 hard hit. And she wasn't long in the tooth, or very 
 ugly, or vulgar, or anything; but somehow I couldn't 
 stand it. I got to hate her. She breathed so hard 
 when she danced, for one thing. Regular grampus. 
 Upon my word, she almost blew my gibus away from 
 under my arm sometimes. Regular snorts. And then 
 she was always smilin'. And she talked an awful lot
 
 OiV THIS SIDE. 375 
 
 about Goethe and Schiller, and those chaps. Altogether, 
 I cried off, and told the governor I would try the, Colo 
 nies. And he told me that if I was such a consummate 
 ass as to let a good thing like that slip, I could take my 
 little pittance and go to the deuce as soon as ever I 
 liked ; and here I am. Some may think I acted fool 
 ishly, but one's relatives are not always the best judges 
 of what is good for one, you know, though they may 
 think they are actin' for one's good; and what one 
 wants to do is to do one's best in whatever position one 
 finds one's self in, you know, no matter what one 
 Hang it all ! I know what I want to say, but I can't 
 say it. You understand, I fancy, without me tryin' to 
 explain." 
 
 Having tied himself up in this conversational bow- 
 knot, Mr. Eamsay waited to be extricated. His idea 
 had been to convey in the most delicate and roundabout 
 way to Bijou that he was not the man to marry any 
 woman for her money, and that if he had seemed to 
 like a certain person a good deal it was not because she 
 was the daughter of a rich man. To her, however, he 
 seemed to be posing as a conqueror of heiresses, indif 
 ferent to the pain he might inflict upon any girl silly 
 enough to be captivated, by his good looks and good 
 manners, a breaker of tacit engagements, and a wicked 
 worldling. So she rose very stiffly, and said that she 
 neither knew nor cared to know what he meant, and 
 was obliged to leave him, and so went away, and left 
 him extremely puzzled and disconcerted by the behavior 
 of his charmer. 
 
 After this, the summer of Mr. Eamsay's discontent 
 net in. There was nothing that he could actually com-
 
 376 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 plain of in Bijou's treatment of him, but it was plain 
 that she had changed. She was vastly more polite than 
 before, but much less kind. Their intimacy seemed a 
 thing of the past century. It was Mr. Heathcote now 
 who, partly from idleness, partly from a desire to tease 
 his friend, went constantly to the Browns', and showed 
 Bijou various attentions, which she accepted with very 
 pronounced satisfaction. It was with Miss Price now 
 that Mr. Earn say rode and walked and talked. Miss 
 Price, whose free-and-easiness, vapid chatter, artifici 
 ality, and sentimentalised contrasted unpleasantly with 
 Bijou's frankness and sincerity. By this course each 
 confirmed the other in the impression of untrustworthi- 
 ness and flirtatiousness both had received, and they 
 ought to have been perfectly satisfied with this result. 
 But, considering how perfectly happy she was in Mr. 
 Heathcote's society, it was odd that Bijou grew paler 
 and thinner every day. And if Miss Price was so per 
 fectly delightful, why did she send Mr. Eamsay home 
 always as gloomy and morose as any young man very 
 well could be ? With blundering honesty, Mr. Ramsay 
 once taxed Bijou with a preference for Mr. Heathcote, 
 not knowing that when a jealous lover accuses a girl of 
 being fond of some other man she never fails to encour 
 age the idea, unless it is really true, when she denies it 
 with the utmost vehemence. Bijou, with much femi 
 nine circumlocution, insinuated that he was devotedly 
 attached to Miss Price, to which he truthfully replied 
 that he did not care " one rap" about her. Women are 
 born incredulous in such affairs. When sure of them 
 selves, they doubt the lover ; when sure of the lover, 
 they invariably doubt themselves. And so the mis-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 377 
 
 understanding grew, and continued in mutual mistake 
 and suspicion, and no two people were ever more thor 
 oughly and foolishly miserable. Mr. Ketchum, when 
 enlightened by his wife, could see that his guest was in 
 a bad way ; and one day it chanced that they were left 
 alone in the library, where Job was most unromantically 
 engaged in looking up plans for a model pig-stye, while 
 he incidentally refreshed himself with his favorite con 
 fection, molasses candy. 
 
 " Man alive !" said he, after directing a keen glance at 
 Mr. Eamsay's face, " what is the matter ? Take some 
 of the Dentist's Friend, won't you?" (pushing a plate 
 toward him.) "I like it better than all the French 
 stuff that was ever made, and Mabel keeps me liberallj 
 supplied. You look awfully down in the mouth, Earn- 
 say, as though you'd enjoy howling like the lone wolf 
 on far Alaska's shore, if you were sure nobody was 
 looking. Suppose you tell me what has impaled you. 
 Is it love, money, or indigestion, old fellow ?" 
 
 The words were light, but the tone hearty and kind ; 
 and, thus encouraged, Mr. Eamsay laid bare his woes, 
 Mr. Ketchum listening attentively, and saying, when 
 he had finished, " I know ; I know. When I thought 
 I had lost Mabel once, I carried the universe around on 
 a sore back all day, and then my heart would get up on 
 its hind legs and yelp half the night ; and there have 
 been other times when I got caught in the machinery, 
 and I know how it hurts. I think of those times often. 
 They grind a man down to the quick, and send the chaff 
 flying ; they teach him valuable lessons. I remember 
 T started out in life with two violent prejudices, one 
 against Jews, and the other against Eoman Catholics 
 
 32*
 
 378 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Well, in the greatest strait I have ever known, the 
 Christian that came to my relief was a Jew in a town 
 of seven thousand people; and when I had the small 
 pox a Sister of Charity took me to the hospital and 
 nursed me, when every one had deserted me and left 
 me to die or live without any meddling from them to 
 bias me in my decision. After that I said to myself, 
 ' Job Ketchum, if the Lord can make and stand as great 
 a fool as you have been, he can make plenty of good 
 Jews and Eoman Catholics, and if they have got his 
 hall-mark they can do without your valuable endorse 
 ment ; and when smelting-day comes I reckon you'll 
 find that the Protestants' or even the Christian quartz 
 won't pan out all the silver that has been put in the 
 sarth's veins. You needn't go around blushing for 
 David and Thomas a Kempis any longer, my son. Take 
 a holiday.' My advice to you, Eamsay, is to keep a 
 stiff upper lip. Perhaps the buzz-saw has only got your 
 clothes, and you will be all right when you cut loose ; 
 but if it has got you, all you can do is to stand and take 
 it, and if you can remember who set it going it will be 
 better for you." 
 
 The last phrase Mr. Ketchum got out in a shamefaced 
 way, as if very much ashamed of it, as indeed he was ; 
 but Mr. Ramsay was the better for the talk, and, though 
 aot " a readin' man," had easily understood the illumi 
 nated characters in this page of human experience. He- 
 brightened perceptibly from this date, and was able to 
 take a healthy interest in certain match-games of base 
 ball and la-crosse in neighboring cities, which he at 
 tended with Mr. Ketchum and Sir Robert, who, besides 
 these diversions, had to visit the prisons and all the
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 379 
 
 public schools, and to gather a mass of information in 
 regard to these two subjects, with criminal and edu 
 cational statistics, systems, theories, that had to be ex 
 amined, sifted, recorded in the diary with the pains, 
 study, and reverence for facts that characterized every 
 entry made in it. Meanwhile, quite an intimacy had 
 sprung up between the ladies of the Ketchum and 
 Brown households, or rather the existing one soon em 
 braced the Englishwomen. Mrs. Sykes and Miss Noel 
 were struck by a number of things in the latter estab 
 lishment. 
 
 " Do you suppose that all American households are 
 organized in this extraordinary, miscellaneous way, so 
 as to include, besides the head of the house, his wife and 
 children, all sorts of relatives, outsiders, and strangers ?" 
 said Mrs. Sykes to Miss Noel. " Mrs. De "Witt told me, 
 quite as a matter of course, that the sister of her hus 
 band's first wife lived with them, though she was away 
 when we were there. And look at the Ketchums and 
 Browns. It is most remarkable. Why do they do it, 
 I wonder ? I must really ask about it, how it ever came 
 about. And on such an extraordinary basis, too ! Only 
 fancy, that poor, thread-paper creature, Mr. Brown's 
 daughter, has married badly and come back to her father 
 with a troop of children ; and she married in opposition 
 to his wishes, and she hasn't a farthing of her own ; and 
 yet she seems to have no proper sense of her position 
 whatever. She does nothing to make herself useful and 
 get her living, but sits up in her bedroom, rocking and 
 sewing, all the day long. She bids her father buy thin 
 and that for the children, just as though they were not 
 actually beggars, dependent upon him for shelter and
 
 380 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 every mouthful. She meddles in household matters to 
 any extent, giving the servants orders, having fires 
 made, and even the dinner-hour changed to suit her 
 convenience; and one would think she was mistress 
 there. I wonder she dares do it. Yet, so far from being 
 sat upon or put in her place, I heard Mr. Brown tell 
 Bijou the other day, when some little disagreement 
 took place between them, that she must let her ' poor 
 sister' have everything to suit herself, and do her best 
 to make her happy and contented and help her to for 
 get all the trouble she had known, as far as possible. 
 Just as if spoiling her like that, and giving her false 
 ideas of her importance, could be a good plan. Not that 
 it will last. She is a pauper, and will be made to see 
 that she is one, sooner or later. She has nothing but 
 what he gives her, I know, for I have asked her \ but 
 she would not tell me why she separated from her hus 
 band. Americans are so absurdly secretive and sensi 
 tive ! Do you know, she was vexed by the inquiry ? A 
 great mistake, as I told her, to get rid of him, unless he 
 was a dangerous brute : men are so useful, and ' grass- 
 widows,' as they say here, are always looked down 
 upon. Did you ever know anything so idle as those 
 Brown women? The men here are very active and 
 ' go-ahead,' as they call it, but the women seem to do 
 one of two things, either they hold their hands alto 
 gether and are a thousand times more idle than any 
 queen or duchess, or they work themselves to death, 
 and are cooks, sempstresses, maids, housemaids, nurses, 
 governesses, ladies, and a dozen other things rolled into 
 one, poor things ! Thank heaven I am not an Amer 
 ican lady."
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 381 
 
 " 1 see what you mean," said Miss Noel. " That dear, 
 sweet girl Bijou has had no practical training whatever. 
 She was amazed that I should make Ethel dye her white 
 kid slippers (when they were soiled) for mortiing use ; 
 and when she saw me getting up some dainty bits of 
 old point that I do not trust to Parsons, she asked me 
 why I bothered with the old stuff and didn't buy new. 
 She has absolutely no idea of the value of money or of 
 household management. On the other hand, that little 
 Mrs. Grey, their friend, told me that she did all the 
 sewing for her twelve children ; and Mr. Grey has not 
 taken a holiday of even a few weeks for twenty years. 
 I can't think how it is they don't break down alto 
 gether." 
 
 But it was the children of the Brown household that 
 awakened the liveliest surprise in the minds of these 
 ladies, an astonishment wholly free from admiration 
 or approval, for they were children of a type with 
 which Americans are sadly familiar, but which had 
 never come under their notice before. The little Gray- 
 sons were utterly undisciplined, and got their own way 
 in everything. Their grandfather, aunt, mother, and 
 nurses combined were powerless to control them, and 
 would give them anything but what they most needed. 
 They pervaded the whole house, and were the hub of 
 it ; they ate at all hours, and of whatever they fancied. 
 They "had no regular hour for going to bed, but fell 
 asleep everywhere, and were removed with the utmost 
 precaution. Mrs. Sykes, going there, would find them 
 jumping up and down with muddy feet on the drawing- 
 room sofas or playing on the new grand piano with the 
 poker. Miss Noel one day found Mr. Brown in a great
 
 382 0^ BOTH SIDES. 
 
 state of perturbation, calling out, " Helen ! Jane! Bijci! 
 Come here, quick ! The baby is bump.ng his head on 
 the floor !" (The baby being three years old.) ' ; Don't 
 get angry, darling. If you won't bump your head, 
 grandpa will bring you a wax doll from Raising to 
 morrow." Another day, baby's sister in banging on the 
 window-pane struck through the glass and cut her fist. 
 " Poor little dear ! Poor childie ! Let me bind it up 
 quickly. Harry, love, bid nurse fetch the arnica at 
 once," exclaimed Miss Noel; but the patient stamped 
 and shrieked, and would not have her hand examined 
 or doctored by anybody, whereupon her admiring 
 mother said, " Jenny has always been that way. She 
 has a great deal of character, Miss Noel." 
 
 "A very undisciplined one, I fear," replied that lady 
 emphatically. She could scarcely believe that she 
 heard aright when, on asking this model parent what 
 her plans were for the summer, she said, 
 
 " I am going to try Saratoga again. We were thero 
 last year, and I went prepared to stay until the 1st of 
 October. I liked it very much ; it was very gay and 
 pleasant ; but Harry got tired of it, and wouldn't stay 
 after the second week, so I packed up and went to 
 Long Branch, which he has always liked." 
 
 " Your brother, or uncle ?" inquired Miss Noel, in 
 perfect good faith. 
 
 " No ; my little Harry," replied the placid mother. 
 
 The very appearance of the children, fragile, delicate- 
 looking, nervous, was in striking contrast to the solid, 
 rosy, somewhat stolid English children to Avhom she 
 was accustomed. They were pretty, quite abnormally 
 intelligent she thought, and as attractive as such rcai*-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 383 
 
 mg would permit them to become; but their habits 
 and manners positively afflicted her. She pined to put 
 them to bed at seven o'clock, keep them four or five 
 hours of every day in the open air, give them simple, 
 nourishing food, in short, inaugurate the wholesome 
 nursery system of her own country. To see them 
 sitting down to table without saying their grace or 
 putting on their pinafores, and order of the servant 
 soups full of condiments, veal, any or all of eight vege 
 tables, pickles, tarts, pudding, jelly, custard, fruit-cake, 
 bon-bons, strong coffee, cheese, almonds, raisins, figs, 
 more custard, raisins again, and more fruit-cake, all 
 despatched in great haste, with no attention to the 
 proper use of napkin, knife, fork, or spoon, was acutely 
 disagreeable to her; and it was amusing to see her 
 efforts to insinuate, as it were, better things into their 
 daily life. " They are nice, clever children," she would 
 say, " so delicate-featured, and so refined in appear 
 ance, but, heavens ! what a monstrous system of edu 
 cation !" 
 
 There were other things in that household that Miss 
 Noel was not blind to. She saw, for instance, whau 
 quite escaped Mr. Brown and Mrs. Grayson, namely, 
 that Bijou was not herself, and shrewdly guessed that 
 she was suffering from a malady that had once made 
 a certain part of her own life very happy and very 
 miserable. She had taken a fancy to Bijou from the 
 first, and she soon noticed in her a great many little 
 evidences of weariness, discontent, unhappiness; also 
 that she was alternately very pale and depressed or 
 flushed and animated. She took the girl therefore 
 under her motherly wing, lectured her a little in her
 
 384 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 gentle way about some things, praised her in others, 
 and was very kind to her. 
 
 " My dear," she would say, " do you not eat entirely 
 too many sweets, bon-bons, and what not, and then go 
 without proper food at the regular meals?" Or it 
 would be, "How do you occupy yourself, as a rule, 
 dear child? Do you district-visit, botanize, sketch, 
 learn a language? What do you do? You would 
 enjoy a course, of belles-lettres, and should take that. 
 And that head in crayons that you did at school was 
 pleasantly executed : why not study from life con 
 stantly ?" Bijou had to confess that she did nothing, 
 and not even that industriously: " But, my dear, you 
 are not an Asiatic. You surely don't wish to be a doll, 
 a plaything, self-indulgent, helpless, leading a life of 
 mere luxurious indulgence and artificiality ?" 
 
 No, Bijou had no such wish ; but what was the use 
 of learning or doing anything now as a girl ? If she 
 married, it would be different; but then she would 
 never, never marry. But Miss Noel insisted that an 
 idle woman was a miserable woman, married or single, 
 and was brisk and cheerful and kind, and devised a 
 number of small employments for Bijou, whom she 
 kept with her a great deal, and so befriended her as 
 effectually as Mr. Ketchum had done Mr. Eamsay. 
 Mrs. Sykes found fault with her once or twice, but did 
 not find her all meekness. 
 
 " Why do you talk of ' an elegant breeze' ?" she said 
 to her one day. 
 
 " For the same reason that you spoke of ' a beautiful 
 roast' yesterday," retorted the young lady, who might 
 bo broken-hearted, but was certainly not broken-spirited.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 385 
 
 " I know better, and I suppose you do, but we are both 
 careless." 
 
 Matters drifted along in this way until a certain 
 morning spent by Mr. Ramsay at the Browns', event 
 ful because a little thing happened which convinced 
 him that Bijou cared for him. He came home with a 
 new pang substituted for those he had been enduring 
 for a lover's age. After dinner he tramped off for a 
 long walk alone, in the course of which it may fairly 
 be presumed that he decided what course to take, for 
 early on the following day he called especially, for the 
 second time, upon Mr. Brown. 
 
 " I have come to tell you that I can't come here any 
 more," he said, holding his hat with his accustomed 
 grace, and going in his straightforward fashion imme 
 diately to the subject in his mind. "And I wish to 
 thank you for bein' so kind to me and receivin' me as 
 you have done, and to tell you why I am actin' in this 
 way." 
 
 "Why, what's the matter? Going away? Isn't 
 this rather sudden ?" asked Brown pere, all unsuspicious 
 of what was to come. 
 
 " Oh, it isn't that ! Though of course I shall be goin 1 . 
 It is that I can't marry. That is what it is. You 
 should have been told of it before, by rights, only I 
 kept puttin' it off. You have a perfect right to blame 
 me for not sayin' so long ago, when you were good 
 enough to admit me here on an intimate footin'. It 
 was a shabby, dishonorable thing of me, and T hope 
 you'll forgive it, rememberin' that it was not my inten 
 tion to deceive you," said Mr. Ramsay. " It wasn't, 
 now, really." 
 
 K z 33
 
 J86 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 "But, my dear fellow, of what are you accusing your 
 self? There must be some mistake. What has that 
 got to do with your visits here ?" asked Mr. Brown. 
 
 " Why, don't you see ? don't you object to me bein' 
 thrown so much with Miss Brown, under the circum 
 stances ?" stammered out Mr. Eamsay. 
 
 "Not the least in the world, not the least in the 
 woi^d, I assure you. Delighted to- see you, I am sure, 
 whenever you like to come," said Mr. Brown, with 
 hospitable warmth. " Why should I ? There is no 
 necessity for your marrying anybody, that I can see. 
 What put such a foolish idea in your head ?" 
 
 " But I thought you would think she would think 1 
 thought that is as you might say " 
 
 A hearty laugh from Mr. Brown interrupted him : 
 " Why, you seem to have thought a good deal on the 
 Bubject. The most extraordinary idea! Excuse my 
 saying so. This house is always full of young men 
 dancing attendance on Bijou, who is as popular a girl 
 as there is ; but I don't trouble my head about them, I 
 can assure you. No, indeed. Half of them don't want 
 to marry Bijou, and she don't want to marry any of 
 them that I know of. And I guess I shall be told when 
 the aifair comes off, so that I can order the wedding- 
 cake. Why, they are just all young people together. 
 It don't mean anything. They just naturally like each 
 other's society. They are amusing themselves, that's 
 all ; and quite right, too." 
 
 Mr. Eamsay had never conceived of such a philo 
 sophical parent or agreeable state of affairs. He was 
 very much embarrassed, and caught at a familiar idea 
 in his confusion. " That's what I thought you would
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 387 
 
 think, that I was amusiu' myself. And I wanted to 
 tell you that I am not, you know. I have far too much 
 respect for Miss Brown to dream of doin' such a thing," 
 he said very eagerly. 
 
 " Oh, you mean at her expense ? I understand now. 
 Well, now, let me make your mind perfectly easy on 
 that score. Bijou can take care of herself as well as any 
 girl in America, and I never thought of such a thing. 
 If you are thinking of her, that's all right. If you 
 are thinking of yourself, of course that is another thing. 
 She isn't thinking of marrying you. She doesn't care 
 anything about you in that way, I am certain. I should 
 have noticed it if she had been," said Mr. Brown, who 
 labored under the usual parental delusion as to his 
 daughter's heart having a glass window through which 
 he could see all that went on there. 
 
 " I am tryin' to do what is best for both of us," said 
 Mr. Ramsay honestly, blushing profusely. "And I 
 came to say good-by. And here is a little note I have 
 written Miss Brown. I have left it open, in case you 
 wished to see it." 
 
 " Not at all, not at all. Bijou would blow me up 
 sky-high if she caught me reading it, I can tell you. 
 I'll give it to her, certainly. I think you are giving 
 yourself unnecessary concern ; but your scruples, though 
 novel, do you honor. If you think it best to give as up, 
 yoii are, as far as you are personally concerned, the best 
 judge. Grood-by. Send us a line to say how you like 
 the Werit. Good-by," said Mr. Brown, and smilingly 
 accompanied him to the front door. 
 
 Papa Brown gave his daughter the note, which ran 
 as follows :
 
 388 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " MY DEAR Miss BROWN, I am going away, and you 
 have been so awfully kind to me that 1 know you will 
 excuse me writing to say how awfully grateful I am to 
 your family for receiving a stranger as they have done." 
 
 Here " I shall often think of you" was carefully 
 scratched out, and " I shall always remember it and tho 
 pleasant hours I have spent with them" substituted. 
 
 "And now I have got to say a disagreeable word, 
 which is good-by. I hope you will have a fine hot sum 
 mer and will think of me sometimes when you are 
 spooning tremendously at croquet, as you know you 
 do, though it isn't fair. With best regards to all the 
 members of your household, I am 
 
 " Faithfully yours, 
 
 "ARTHUR RAMSAY. 
 
 " P.S. If I should drop into a good thing you will 
 hear of it." 
 
 Mr. Ramsay had taken four hours to compose some 
 thing that should not be actionable or compromising, 
 and yet that should convey some idea of the state of 
 his mind and feelings, and had turned out this master 
 piece, which Bijou read in bitterness of soul over and 
 over again. 
 
 " Excuse me writing," " fine hot summer," " croquet," 
 she quoted mentally. "After all that has passed be 
 tween us ! If he had really cared for me, and anything 
 had separated us, he would have had the common hon 
 esty and manliness to say so. No ; he thinks me an 
 other Liverpool gill, 'hard hit.' He is running away 
 from me." At this cruel idea, so abhorrent to her van 
 ity, pride, affection, and general womanhood, the poor
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 389 
 
 girl sank down on her bed overwhelmed, and did not 
 leave her room for three days, or rather eternities, 
 at the end of which time she met Mr. Kamsay by acci 
 dent on the high-road uiid cut him dead. 
 
 " I must pull myself together and get away out of 
 this," said Mr. Ramsay to Mr. Ketchum that evening. 
 " I have bought of Albert Brown his ranch in Coloi-ado, 
 near Taylorsville, and I leave in the morning." 
 
 " WHAT !" cried Mr. Ketchum. " Has he sold you 
 that tumble-down claim on a burnt prairie, miles from 
 any wood or water? I know the place." 
 
 " I haven't examined the property ; but he assured 
 me it is a fine one. And, anyway, it is settled. I am 
 going. A thousand thanks for all your kindness, Ket 
 chum. An Englishman that I met in New York wants 
 me to go huntin' with him, and I shall join him at St. 
 Louis and go on out from there." 
 
 " Why, I thought you had all promised to go to Ni 
 agara as my guests in a few days. Do change your 
 mind and stay, won't you ?" urged Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 But Mr. Ramsay was obdurate, and took himself and 
 a car-load of property off in the direction of the setting 
 sun by the mid-day train next morning. 
 
 " Ramsay, I want you to promise me one thing. If, 
 owing to that skunk Brown, you are disappointed out 
 there, or don't get on, write or telegraph me, and I'll 
 stand by you to the tune of ten thousand or so. Good- 
 by, old fellow. Remember, I'm your friend," said gen 
 erous Job, at the station. And as he went home he 
 stopped. and presented Mr. Albert Brown with apiece 
 of his mind that any other man would only have taken 
 in exchange for a flogging, delivered. 
 
 33*
 
 390 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 " How very nice and kind of the dear duke to give 
 Mr. Kamsay an invite to join him!" said Mrs. Sykes. 
 with emotion, at dinner that day. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 NOT the least delightful of Sir Eobert's qualities was 
 his capacity for enjoying most things that came in his 
 way, and finding some interest in all. When Mr. Ket- 
 chum joined him in the library, where he was jotting 
 down " the sobriquets of the American States and cities," 
 and told him of the Niagara plan, his ruddy visage 
 beamed with pleasure. 
 
 " A delightful idea. Capital," he said. " I suppose 1 
 can read up a bit about it before we start, and not go 
 there with my eyes shut. Ni-a-ga-rah, monstrously 
 soft and pretty name. Isn't there something on your 
 shelves that would give me the information I want ? 
 But we can come to that presently. Just now I want 
 to find out, if I can, how these nicknames came to be 
 given. They must have originated in some great pop 
 ular movement, eh ? I thought I saw my way, as, for 
 example, the ' Empire State' and the ' Crescent City' 
 and some others, but this ' Sucker State,' now, and 
 ' Buckeye' business, what may that mean in plain 
 English ?" 
 
 Mr. Ketchum shed what light he could on these in 
 teresting questions, and Sir Eobert thoughtfully ran his 
 bands through his aide-whiskers, while, with an apolo-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 39] 
 
 getic " One moment, I beg," or " Very odd, very ; that 
 must go down verbatim," he entered the gist of Mr. 
 Ketchum's queer remarks in his note-book. 
 
 On the following morning he rose with Niagara in 
 his soul. He had more questions to ask at the break 
 fast-table than anybody could answer, and was eager to 
 be off. Mr. Ketchum, who had that week made no less 
 than fifty thousand dollars by a lucky investment, was 
 in high spirits. Captain Kendall, who had been allowed 
 to join the party, was vastly pleased by the prospect of 
 mother week in Ethel's society. Mrs. Sykes was tired 
 of Fairfield, and longed to be " on the move" again, as 
 she frankly said. So that, altogether, it was a merry 
 company that finally set off. 
 
 The very first view of " the ocean unbound" increased 
 their pleasure to enthusiasm. Mrs. Sykes, without res 
 ervation, admitted that it was " a grand spot," and felt 
 as though she were giving the place a certificate when 
 she added, " Quite up to the mark." She was out on 
 the Suspension Bridge, making a sketch, as soon as she 
 could get there ; she took one from every other spot 
 about the place ; and when tired of her pencil, she 
 stalked about with her hammer, chipping off bits of 
 rock that promised geological interest. But she found 
 her greatest amusement in the brides that " infested the 
 place" (to quote from her letter to her sister Caroline), 
 indulged in much satirical comment on them, and, 
 choosing one foolish young rustic who was there as her 
 text, wrote in her diary, " American brides like to go 
 from the altar to some large hotel, where they can dis 
 play their finery, wear their wedding-dresses every 
 evening, and attract as much attention as possible. Tho
 
 392 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 national passion for display makes them delight in any 
 thing that renders them conspicuous, no, matter how 
 vulgar that display may be. If one must have a fool's 
 paradise, generally known as a honeymoon, this is about 
 as pleasant a place as any other for it ; and, as there are 
 several runaway couples stopping here, and the place is 
 just on the border, this is doubtless the American 
 Gretna Green, where silly women and temporarily- 
 infatuated men can marry in haste, to repent at leisure." 
 Mr. Heathcote gave his camera enough to do, as may 
 be imagined. He and Sir Eobert traced the Niagara 
 Eiver from Lake Erie to Lake Ontario, and photo 
 graphed it at every turn, made careful estimates of its 
 length, breadth, depth, the flow of currents, scale of 
 descent to the mile, wear of precipice, and time neces 
 sary for the river to retire from the falls business alto 
 gether and meander tranquilly along on a level like 
 other rivers. They arrayed themselves in oil-skin suits 
 and spent an unconscionable time at the back of the 
 Horseshoe Fall, roaring out observations about it that 
 were rarely heard, owing to the deafening din, and had 
 more than one narrow escape from tumbling into the 
 water in these expeditions. They carefully bottled some 
 of it, which they afterward sealed with red wax and 
 duly labelled, intending to add it to a collection of sim 
 ilar phials which Sir Robert had made of famous waters 
 in many countries. They went over the mills and fac 
 tories in the neighborhood, and Sir Robert had long 
 confabs with the managers, of whom he asked permis 
 sion to "jot down" the interesting facts developed in 
 the course of their conversations, surprising them by 
 his knowledge of mechanics and the subjects in hand.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 393 
 
 u Man alive ! what do you want with those?" said he 
 to one of them, a keen-faced young fellow, who was 
 showing him the boiler-fires. He pointed with his stick 
 as he spoke, and rattled it briskly about the brick- work 
 by way of accompaniment as he went on : " Such a 
 waste of force, of money ! downright stupidity ! You 
 don't want it. You don't need it, any more than you 
 need an hydraulic machine tacked to the back of your 
 trains. You have got water enough running past your 
 very door to " 
 
 " I've told that old fool Glass that a thousand times," 
 broke in the young man ; " but if he wants to try and 
 warm and light the world with a gas-stove when the 
 sun is up I guess it's no business of mine, though it does 
 rile me to see the power thrown away and good coal 
 wasted. If I had the capital, here's what fd do. Here." 
 
 Seizing Sir Eobert's stick, the enthusiast drew a 
 fondly-loved ideal mill in the coal-dust at his feet, while 
 Sir Eobert looked and listened, differed, suggested, with 
 keen interest, and Mr. Heathcote gave but haughty and 
 ignorant attention to the talk that followed. 
 
 "Yes, that's the way of it; but Glass has lived all his 
 life with his head in a bag, and he can't see it. I am 
 surprised to see you take an interest in it. Ever worked 
 at it ?" said the man in conclusion. 
 
 "A little," said Sir Robert affably, who could truth 
 fully have said as much of anything. "Who is this 
 Glass ?" 
 
 "Oh, he's the man that owns all this; the stupidest 
 owl that ever lived. I wish he could catch on like you. 
 I'd like very well to work with you," was the reply. 
 
 " A bumptious fellow, that," commented Mr. Heath-
 
 394 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 cote when they left. "He'd 'like to work with you,' 
 indeed!" 
 
 " A fellow with ideas. I'd like to work with him," 
 replied his uncle ; " though he isn't burdened with re 
 spect for his employers." 
 
 Miss Noel meanwhile tied on her large straw hat. 
 took her cane, basket, trowel, tin box, and, followed by 
 Parsons with her sketching-apparatus, went off to hunt 
 plants or wash in sketches, a most blissfully occupied 
 and preoccupied old lady. 
 
 To Mr. Ketchum's great amusement, Miss Noel, Mrs 
 Sykes, and Mr. Heathcote all arrived at a particular 
 spot within a few moments of each other one morning, 
 all alike prepared and determined to get the view it 
 commanded. 
 
 Miss Noel had said to Job en route, " Do you think 
 that I shall be able to get a fly and drive about the 
 country a bit? I should so like it. Are they to be 
 had there ?" 
 
 And he had replied, " You will have some difficulty in 
 not taking ' a fly' there, I guess. The hackmen would 
 rather drive your dead body around town for nothing 
 than let you enjoy the luxury of walking about unmo 
 lested. But I will see to all that." 
 
 Accordingly, a carriage had been placed at their dis 
 posal, and they had taken some charming drives, in the 
 course of which Parsons, occupying the box on one oc 
 casion, was seen to be peering very curiously about her 
 
 " A great pity, is it not, Parsons, that we can't see all 
 this in the autumn, when the thickets of scarlet and 
 gold are said to be so very beautiful ?" said Miss Noel, 
 addressing her affably.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 395 
 
 "Yes, mem," agreed Parsons. "And if you please, 
 mem, where are the estates of the gentry, as I 'ave been 
 lookin' for ever since we came hover ?" 
 
 " Not in this part," replied Miss Noel. " The red 
 Indians were here not very long since. You should 
 really get a pincushion of their descendants, those mild, 
 dirty creatures that work in bark and beads. Buy of 
 one that has been baptized : one shouldn't encourage 
 them to remain heathens, you know. Your friends in 
 England will like to see something made by them : and 
 they were once very powerful and spread all over the 
 country as far as as I really forget where ; but I 
 know they were very wild and dreadful, and lived in 
 wigwams, and wore moccasins." 
 
 " Oh, indeed, mem !" responded Parsons, impressed by 
 the extent of her mistress's information. 
 
 " A wigwam is three upright poles, such as the gyp 
 sies use for their kettles, thatched with the leaves of the 
 palm and the plantain," Miss Noel went on. " Dear me 1 
 It is very odd ! I certainly remember to have read that ; 
 but perhaps I am getting back to the Southern Ameri 
 cans again, which does so vex Robert. I wonder if one 
 couldn't see a wigwam for one's self? It can't be plan 
 tain, after all : there is none growing about here." 
 
 She asked Mabel about this that evening, and the 
 tatter told her husband how Miss Noel was always mix 
 ing up the two continents. 
 
 " I don't despair, Mabel. They will find this potato- 
 patch of ours after a while," he said good-humoredly. 
 
 But he was less amiable when Mrs. Sykes said at 
 dinner next day, " I should like to try your maize, 
 "iuite simply boiled, and eaten with butter and suit. I
 
 396 ON BOTH SI ES. 
 
 \m told it is quite good, really. I have beard that tno 
 Duke of Slumborough thought it excellent." 
 
 " You don't say so ! I am so glad to hear it ! I shall 
 make it generally known as far as I can. Such things 
 encourage us to go on trying to make a nation of oui- 
 selves. It would have paralyzed all growth and devel 
 opment in this country for twenty years if he had 
 thought it 'nasty,' " said Job. "Foreigners caa't be 
 too particular how they express their opinions about us. 
 Over and over again we have come within an ace of 
 putting up the shutters and confessing that it was no 
 use pretending that we could go on independently hav 
 ing a country of our own, with distinct institutions, 
 peculiarities, customs, manners, and even productions. 
 It would be so much better and easier to turn ourselves 
 over to a syndicate of distinguished foreigners who would 
 govern us properly, stamp out ice- water and hot rolls 
 from the first, as unlawful and not agreeing with the 
 Constitution, give us cool summers, prevent children 
 from teething hard, make it a penal offence to talk 
 through the nose, and put a bunch of Bourbons in the 
 White House, with a divine right to all the canvas-back 
 ducks in the country. There are so many kings out 
 of business .now that they could easily give us a bank 
 rupt one to put on our trade dollar, or something really 
 sweet in emperors who have seen better days. And a 
 standing army of a hundred thousand men, all drum- 
 majors, in gorgeous uniforms, helmets, feathers, gold 
 lace, would certainly scare the Mexicans into caniptious 
 and unconditional surrender. The more I think of it, 
 the more delightful it seems. It is mere stupid obsti 
 nacy our people keeping up this farce of self-govern-
 
 ON THIS SIDE. .{97 
 
 ment, when anybody can see that it is a perfect failure, 
 and that the country has no future whatever." 
 
 " Oh, you talk in that way ; but I don't think you 
 would really like it," said Mrs. Sykes. "Americana 
 seem to think that they know everything : they are 
 above taking any hints from the Old "World, and get as 
 angry as possible with me when I point out a few of 
 the more glaring defects that strike me." 
 
 " I am surprised at that. Our great complaint is that 
 we can't get any advice from Europeans. If we only 
 had a little, even, we might in time loom up as a fifth- 
 rate power. But no : they leave us over here in this 
 wilderness without one word of counsel or criticism, or 
 so much as a suggestion, and they ought not to be sur 
 prised that we are going to the dogs. What else can 
 they expect ?" said Mr. Ketchum. 
 
 " Husband, dear, you were very sharp with my cousin 
 to-day, and it was not like you to show temper, at 
 least, not temper exactly, but vexation," said Mabel to 
 him afterward in mild rebuke. " She has told me that 
 you quite detest the English, so that she wonders you 
 should have married me. And I said that you were far 
 too intelligent and just to cherish wrong feelings toward 
 any people, much less my people." 
 
 " Well, if she represented England I should drop Eng 
 land quietly over the rapids some day when I could no 
 longer stand her infernal patronizing, impertinent airs, 
 and rid the world of a nuisance," said Mr. Ketchum, 
 with energy. " Excuse my warmth, but that woman 
 would poison a prairie for me. Fortunately, I happen 
 to know that she only represents a class which neither 
 Church nor State there has the authority to shoot, yet, 
 
 34
 
 S98 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 and I am not going to cry down white wool because 
 there are black sheep. Look at Sir Robert, and Miss 
 Noel, and all the rest of them, how different they are." 
 Captain Kendall certainly found Niagara delightful, 
 for, owing to the absorption of the party in their differ 
 ent pursuits, he was able to see more of Ethel than he 
 had ever done. He was so different from the men 
 she had known that he was a continual study to her. 
 Instead of the studied indifference, shy avoidance, shy 
 advances, culminating in a blunt and straightforward 
 declaration of "intentions," which she would have 
 thought natural in an admirer, followed by transparent, 
 honest delight in the event of acceptance, or manly sub 
 mission to the inevitable in the event of rejection, Cap 
 tain Kendall had surprised her by liking her immedi 
 ately, or at least by showing that he did, and seeking 
 her persistently, without any pretence of concealment. 
 He talked to her of politics, of social questions in the 
 broadest sense, of books, scientific discoveries, his travels, 
 and the travels of others. He read whole volumes of 
 poetry to her. He discoursed by the hour on the manly 
 character, its faults, merits, peculiarities, and possibili 
 ties, and then contrasted it with the womanly one, trait 
 for trait, and it seemed to her that women had never 
 been praised so eloquently, enthusiastically, copiously. 
 At no time was he in the least choked by his feelings or 
 at a loss for a fresh word or sentiment. Such romance, 
 such ideality, such universality, as it were, she had 
 never met. When his admiration was most unbridled 
 it seemed to be offered to her as the representative of a 
 sex entirely perfect and lovely. Everything in heaven 
 and earth, apparently, ministered to his passion and
 
 OAT THIS SIDE. 399 
 
 made him talk all around the beloved subject with a 
 wealth of simile and suggestion that she had never 
 
 OO 
 
 dreamed of. But, if he gave full expression to his agi 
 tated feelings in these ways, he was extremely delicate, 
 respectful, reserved, in others. He wrapped up his 
 heart in so many napkins, indeed, that, being a prac 
 tical woman not extraordinarily gifted in the matter of 
 imagination, she frequently lost sight of it altogether, 
 and she sometimes failed to follow him in a broad road 
 of sentiment that (like the "Western ones which Long 
 fellow has described) narrowed and narrowed until it 
 disappeared, a mere thread, up a tree. If he looked 
 long, after one of these flights, at her sweet English 
 face to see what impression he had made, he was often 
 forced to see that it was not the one he had meant to 
 make at all. 
 
 "Is anything amiss?" she asked once, in her cool, 
 level tone, fixing upon him her sincerely honest eyes. 
 " Are there blacks on my nose ?" Although she had 
 distinctly refused him at Kalsing, as became a girl des 
 titute of vanity and coquetry and attached to some one 
 else, she had not found him the less fluent, omnipresent, 
 persuasive, at Niagara. It was diverting to see them 
 seated side by side on Goat Island, he waving his hand 
 toward the blue sky, apostrophizing the water, the 
 foliage, the clouds, and what not, in prose and verse, 
 quite content if he but got a quiet glance and assenting 
 word now and then, she listening demurely in a state 
 of protestant satisfaction, her fair hair very dazzling in 
 the sunshine, an unvarying apple-blossom tint in her 
 calm face, her fingers tatting industriously not to waste 
 the time outright, it was very agreeable in a way, she
 
 400 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 told herself, but something must really be done to get 
 rid of the man. And so, one morning when they 
 chanced to be alone, and he was being unusually ethe 
 real and beautiful in his remarks, telling her that, as 
 Byron had said, she would be " the morning star of mem 
 ory" for him, she broke in squarely, " That is all very 
 nice ; very pretty, I am sure. But I do hope you quite 
 understand that I have not the least idea of marrying 
 you. There is no use in going on like this, you know, 
 and you would have a right to reproach me if I kept 
 silent and led you to think that I was being won over 
 by your fine speeches. You see, you don't really want 
 a star at all. You want a wife ; though military men, 
 as a rule, are better off single. I do thank you heartily 
 for liking me for myself, and all that, and I shall always 
 remember the kind things you have done, and our ac 
 quaintance, but you must put me quite out of your 
 head as a wife. I should not suit you at all. You 
 would have to leave the American service, and I should 
 hate feeling I had tied you down, and I couldn't con 
 tribute a penny toward the household expenses, and, 
 altogether, we are much better apart. It would not 
 answer at all. So, thank you again for the honor you 
 have conferred upon me, and be be rather more like 
 other people, won't you, for the future ? Auntie fancies 
 that I am encouraging you, and is getting very vexed 
 about it. Perhaps you had better go away ? Yes, that 
 would be best, I think." 
 
 Thus solicited, Captain Kendall went away, taking 
 a mournfully-eloquent farewell of Ethel, which she 
 thought final ; but in this she was mistaken. 
 
 Our party did not linger long after this. Sir Eobert
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 401 
 
 met a titled acquaintance, who inflamed bis mind so 
 much about Manitoba that he decided to go to Canada 
 at once, taking Miss Noel, Ethel, and Mr. Heathcote ; 
 Mrs. Sykes had taken up on her first arrival with some 
 New York people, who asked her to visit them in the 
 central part of the State, which disposed of her ; 
 Mabel was secretly longing to get back to her " Amer 
 ican child," as Mrs. Sykes called little Jared Ponsonby ; 
 and they separated, with the understanding that they 
 should meet again before the English guests left the 
 country, and with a warm liking for each other, the 
 Sykes not being represented in the pleasant covenants 
 of friendship formed. 
 
 " I am glad that we have not to bid Ketchum good- 
 by here," said Sir Eobert. " Such a hearty, genial fel 
 low ! And how kind he has been to us ! His hospitality 
 is the true one ; not merely so much food and drink and 
 moneyed outlay for some social or selfish end, but the 
 entertainment of friends because they are friends, with 
 every possible care for their pleasure and comfort, and 
 the most unselfish willingness to do anything that can 
 contribute to either. I am afraid he would not find 
 many such hosts as himself with us. Wo entertain 
 more than the Americans, but I do not think we have 
 as much of the real spirit of hospitality as a nation. 
 The relation between host and guest is less personal, 
 there is little sense of obligation, or rather sacredness, 
 on cither side, and the convenience, interest, or amuse 
 ment of the Amphitryon is more apt to bo considered, 
 MS a general thing, than the pleasure of the guest : at 
 least this has been growing more and more the case in 
 the last twenty years, as our society has broken away 
 an 34*
 
 402 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 from old traditions and levelled all its barriers, to the 
 detriment of our social graces, not to speak of our 
 morals and manners. As for that charmingly gentle, 
 sweet woman Mrs. Ketchum, it is my opinion that we 
 are not likely to improve on that type of Englishwoman. 
 A modest, simple, religious creature, a thorough gentle 
 woman, and a devoted wife and mother. My cousin 
 Guy Rathbone is engaged to a specimen of a new vari 
 ety, one of the ' emancipated,' forsooth ; a woman who 
 has a betting-book instead of a Bible and plays cards 
 all day Sunday. He tells me that she is wonderfully 
 clever, and that it is all he can do to keep her from run 
 ning about the kingdom delivering lectures on Agnos 
 ticism ; as if one wanted one's wife to be a trapesing, 
 atheistical Punch-and-Judy ! And the fellow seemed 
 actually pleased and flattered. He told me that she 
 had 'an astonishing grasp of such subjects' and was 
 ' attracting a great deal of attention.' And I told him 
 that if I had a wife who attracted attention in such 
 ways I would lock her up until she came to her senses 
 and the public had forgotten her want of modesty and 
 discretion. This ought to be called the Age of Fire 
 works. The craze for notoriety is penetrating our very 
 almshouses, and every toothless old mumbler of ninety 
 wants to get himself palmed off as a centenarian in the 
 papers and have a lot of stuff printed about him." 
 
 " I see what you mean, Robert," said Miss Noel, " and 
 it certainly cannot be wholesome for women to thirst 
 for excitement, and one would think a lady would shrink 
 from being conspicuous in any way ; but things are very 
 much changed, as you say. And I agree with you in 
 your estimate of the Ketchums. She is a sweet young
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 403 
 
 thing, and I heartily like him. Only think ! his last act 
 was to send a great basket of fine fruits up to my room, 
 and quite an armful of railway-novels for the journey. 
 Such beautiful thought for our comfort as they have 
 shown !" 
 
 "He is rather a good sort in some ways, but a very 
 ignorant man. I showed him some of my specimens 
 the other day, and he thought them granitic, when they 
 were really Silurian mica schist of some kind," put in 
 Mrs. Sykes, who never could bear unqualified praise. 
 " Still, on the whole, the Americans are less ignorant 
 than might have been expected." 
 
 " J consider Mr. Ketchum a most kind, gentlemanly, 
 sociable, clever man," said Miss Noel, with an emphatic 
 nod of her head to each adjective, "geology or no geol 
 ogy. And I must say that it is very ungrateful of you 
 to speak of him so sneeringly always." 
 
 Sir Robert only waited to write the usual batch of 
 letters, including a last appeal to the editor of the " Co 
 lumbia Eagle" to know whether he intended to apologize 
 for and publicly retract a certain article, and asking 
 " whether it was possible that any considerable or re 
 spectable portion of the Americans could be so arbitrary, 
 illiberal, and exclusive as to wish to exclude the English 
 from America." This done, he left for Canada with his 
 relatives. With his stay there we have nothing to do. 
 It consumed six weeks of exhaustive travel and study 
 of Canadian conditions and resources, resulting ulti 
 mately in the conclusion that Manitoba was not the 
 place he was looking for. The ladies, who had been 
 left in Montreal, were then taken for a short tour 
 through the country, which they all enjoj'-ed, after
 
 404 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 which Sir Eobert asked Miss Noel whether she would 
 be willing to take Ethel back to Niagara and wait there 
 a fortnight, or perhaps a little longer, while he and Mr. 
 Heathcote came back by way of New England and 
 from there went down into Maryland and Virginia, 
 where, according to " a member of the Canadian Parlia 
 ment," lands were to be had for a song. 
 
 " A fortnight ? I could spend a twelvemonth there," 
 exclaimed she. " Had it not been that I was ashamed 
 to insist upon being let oif this journey, I should have 
 stopped there as it was." 
 
 To Niagara the aunt and niece and Parsons went, as 
 agreed, and there they found Mr. Bates wandering lan 
 guidly about the place in chronic discontent with every 
 thing for not being something else. He had burned a 
 good deal of incense on Ethel's shrine when she was at 
 Kalsing, and now hailed their advent with some ap 
 proach to enthusiasm, and attached himself to their 
 suite, vice Captain Kendall, retired. He liked to be 
 seen with them, thought the views from the Canadian 
 side were " deucedly fine," was cruelly affected by the 
 advertisements in the neighborhood, which he de 
 nounced as " dreadfully American," trickled out much 
 feeble criticism of and acid comment on his surround 
 ing 8 * gave utterance to fervent wishes that he was 
 " abrard," and in his own unpleasant way gave Ethel 
 to understand that she might make a fellow-countryman 
 happy by becoming Mrs. Samuel Bates if she liked to 
 avail herself of a golden opportunity. " I would live 
 in England, you know. I am really far more at home 
 there than here," said the expatriated suitor. " I have 
 been taken for an Englishman as often as three times
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 405 
 
 in one week, do you know. Curious, isn't it? I ought 
 to be down in Kent now, visiting Lady Simpson, a great 
 friend of mine, who has asked me there again and again. 
 You would like her if you knew her. She is quite the 
 great lady down there." 
 
 " A foolish little man, and evidently a great snob, or 
 else rather daft upon some points," Ethel reported to 
 her aunt. " And such a dull, discontented creature, with 
 all his money !" Ethel had some trials of her own just 
 then, and it was 10 great felicity to listen to Mr. Bates's 
 endless complaints, nor could she spare much sympathy 
 for the sufferings of the exile of Tecumseh, with his 
 n>se-leaf sensibilities, inanities, absurdities. 
 
 Meanwhile, the young gentleman who was indirectly 
 responsible for many a sad thought of two charming 
 girls that we know of and who shall say how many 
 more ? was enjoying as much happiness as ever fell to 
 any man in the capacity of ardent sportsman. He had 
 joined the duke and his party at St. Louis, and from 
 there they had gone " well away from anywhere," as 
 he said in describing his adventures to Mr. Heathcote. 
 He had at last reached the ideal spot of all his wildest 
 imaginations and most cherished hopes, " the wild 
 part," really the great prairies, about two hundred 
 miles west of the Mississippi and east of the Rockies. 
 The dream of his life was being fulfilled. He related, 
 'n a style not conspicuous for literary merit, but very 
 well suited to the simple annals of the rich, how, having 
 first procured guides, tents, ambulances, camp-equipage, 
 they had pushed on briskly to a military fort, where, 
 having made friends with " a pleasant, gentlemanly set 
 of fellows," the commanding officer, "a friendly old
 
 406 ON BOTH 3IDES. 
 
 buffer," had courteously given them an escort to protect 
 them from " those dirty treacherous brutes, the Indians." 
 Not a joy was wanting in this crowning bliss. The 
 guide was " a wonderful chap named Big-foot Williams, 
 so called by the Indians, good all around from knocking 
 over a rabbit to tackling a grizzly," with an amazing 
 knowledge of woodcraft, " a nose like a bloodhound, 
 an eye as cool as a toad's." No special mention was 
 made of his ear ; but the first time he got off his horse 
 and applied it to the earth, listening for the tramp of 
 distant hoofs in a hushed silence, one bosom could 
 hardly hold all the rapture that filled Mr. Ramsay's 
 figurative cup up to the brim. And the tales he told 
 of savageness long drawn out were as dew to the 
 parched herb, greedily absorbed at every pore. A por 
 trait of " Black Eagle," a noted chief, was given when 
 they got among the Indians, " a great hulking slugger 
 of a savage, awfully interesting, long, reaching step, 
 magnificent muscles, snake eye, could thrash us all in 
 turn if he liked. The best of the lot." 
 
 Even the noble red man was not insensible to the 
 charms of this graceful, handsome young athlete who 
 smiled at them perpetually and said " Amigo ! amigo .'" 
 at short intervals, a phrase suggested by the redoubt 
 able Williams and varied occasionally by a prefix of his 
 own, "Muchee amigo!" The way in which he tested 
 the elasticity of their bows, inspected their guns, the 
 game they had killed, the other natural objects about 
 them, aroused a certain sympathy, perhaps. At any 
 rate, they were soon^ teaching him their mode of using 
 the most picturesquely murderous of all weapons, and 
 Black Eagle offered, through the interpreter, to give
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 407 
 
 him a mustang and a fine wolf-skin. The pony was 
 declined, the skin accepted, a quid pro quo being be 
 stowed on the chief in the shape of one of Mr. Earn 
 say's breech-loaders, a gift that made the snake eyet 
 glitter. But what earthly return can be made for some 
 friendly offices ? Could a thousand guns be considered 
 as an adequate payment for the delirious thrill that Mr. 
 Eamsay felt when he shot an arrow straight through 
 the neck of a big buffalo, and, wheeling, galloped madly 
 away, like the hero of one of his favorite stories ? Was 
 not the duke, who " knew a thing or two about shooting" 
 and had hunted the noble bison in Lithuania, almosu 
 as much delighted as though he had done it himself? 
 Is it any wonder that these intoxicating pleasures were 
 all-sufficient for the time to Mr. Eamsay? Perhaps 
 Thekla would have been forgotten by her Max, and 
 Eomeo would never have sighed and died for love of 
 Juliet, if those interesting lovers had ceased from wooing 
 and gone a-hunting of the buffalo instead. Not the 
 most deadly and cruel pangs of the most unfortunate 
 attachment could have taken away all the zest from 
 such an occupation, provided they had had what the 
 Mexican journals call the "corazon de los sportsmans" 
 Youth, strength, courage, skill, exercised in a vagabond 
 age that has all the nomadic charm without any of its 
 drawbacks, are apt to sponge the old figures off the slate 
 of life, leaving a teary smear, perhaps, to show where 
 they have been, and room for fresh problems. At night 
 over the camp-fire Mr. Eamsay gave a few pensive 
 thoughts to the girl who regularly put two handker 
 chiefs under her pillow to receive the tears that welled 
 out copiously when she was at last alone and unob-
 
 408 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 served after a day of virtuous hypocrisy. Poor child ! 
 The pain was very real, and the tears were bitter and 
 salty enough, though they were to be dried in due time. 
 If he had known of them, perhaps he might have kept 
 awake a little longer; but when he wasn't sleepy he 
 was hungry, and when he wasn't hungry he was tired, 
 and when he wasn't tired he was too actively employed 
 to think of anything but the business in hand. Hap- 
 pil} T , at five-and-twenty it is perfectly possible to post 
 pone being miserable until a more convenient season ; 
 and, though he would have denied it emphatically after- 
 ward, he certainly thought only occasionally of Bijou 
 at this period, and of Ethel not at all. 
 
 Miss Noel heard very regularly from Mrs. Sykes all 
 this while ; and that energetic traveller had not been 
 idle. She had made her new friends " take her about 
 tremendously," she said. She had seen all the large 
 towns in that part of the country, and thought them 
 " very ugly and monotonously commonplace, but pros 
 perous-looking, like the inhabitants." The scenery 
 she had found " far too uninteresting to repay the bothei 
 of sketching it." But she had made a few pictures of 
 " the views most cracked up in the White Mountains," 
 where she had been, " a sort of second-hand Switzer 
 land of a place ; really nothing after the Himalayas, 
 but made a great fuss over by the Americans." She 
 described with withering scorn a drive she took there. 
 
 " We came suddenly one day upon a party in a kind 
 of Cheap-Jack van," she wrote, " gayly-dressed people, 
 .tricked off in smart finery, and larking like a lot of Eams- 
 gate tradesmen on the public road. One of the impu 
 dent creatures made a trumpet of his great ugly fist and
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 409 
 
 spelt out the name of the hotel at which they were 
 stopping, and then put his hand to his ear, as if to listen 
 for the response. Expecting me to tell them anything 
 about myself! But I natter myself that I was a match 
 for them. I just got out my umbrella and shot it up in 
 their very faces as we passed, in a way not to be mis 
 taken. And would you believe it ? the rude wretches 
 called out, ' The shower is over now !' and ' What's the 
 price of starch ?' and roared with laughing." A highly- 
 colored description of "a visit to a great Dissenting 
 stronghold, Marbury Park," followed : " I was im 
 mensely curious to see one of these characteristic na 
 tional exhibitions of hysteria, ignorance, superstition, 
 and immorality, called a ' camp-meeting,' to which the 
 Americans of all classes flock annually by the thou 
 sands, so I quite insisted upon being taken to one, though 
 my friends would have got out of it if they could. I 
 fancy they were very ashamed of it; and they had 
 need to be. I will not attempt to describe it in detail 
 here, you will hear what I have said of it in my 
 diary, but a more glaringly vulgar, intensely Ameri 
 can performance you can't fancy. I have made a num 
 ber of sketches of the grounds, the tents and tent-life, 
 with the people bathing and dressing and all that in 
 the most exposed manner ; of the pavilion, where the 
 roaring and ranting is done ; and of the great revivalist 
 who was holding forth when I got there, and who had 
 got such a red face and seemed so excited that it is my 
 belief he was regularly screwed, though my friends de 
 nied it, of course. With such a preacher, you can 
 'realize,' as they say, what the people were like. A 
 regular Derby-day crowd having a religious saturnalia 
 o 35
 
 410 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 that is what it is. It would not be allowed at home, 
 I am sure. Disgusting! One can't wonder at the 
 state of society in America when one sees what their 
 religion is. An unpleasant incident occurred to me 
 while sketching in the pavilion, that shows what I have 
 often pointed out to you, the radicalism and odious 
 impertinence of this people. I was just putting the 
 finishing-touches to my picture of the Eev. f?) ' Galusha 
 Wickers' (the revivalist: such names as these Ameri 
 cans have !), when I heard a voice behind me saying, 
 ' Lor ! Why, that's splendid ! perfectly splendid ! Well, 
 I declare, you've got him to a t. Lemmy see.' And, if 
 you please, a hand was thrust over my shoulder and the 
 sketch seized, without so much as a ' By your leave.' 
 Can you fancy a more unwarrantable, insufferable lib 
 erty? But they are all alike over here. I turned 
 about, and saw a woman who was examining the rev 
 erend revivalist with much satisfaction. 'Well, you 
 have got him, to be sure,' she said, returning my angry 
 glance with one of admiration, and quite unabashed. 
 ' What'll you take for it ? I've sat under him for five 
 years ; and for taking texteses from one end of the 
 Bible to the other, and leading in prayer, and filling the 
 mourners' bench in five minutes, I will say he hasn't 
 got his equal in the universe. He's got a towering 
 intellect, I tell you. I'll give you fifty cents for this, if 
 you'll color it up nice for me and throw in a frame.' 
 Of course I took the picture away from the brazen 
 creature and told her what I thought of her conduct. 
 1 Well, you air techy," she said, and walked off leisurely." 
 Before closing her letter, Mrs. Sykes remarked of her 
 hostess, " Quite good for nothing physically, and a,b-
 
 Off THIS SIDE. 4H 
 
 surdly romantic. She has been abroad a good deal, and 
 bores me dreadfully with her European reminiscences. 
 She is always talking in a foolish, rapturous sort of way 
 about ' dear Melrose,' or ' noble Tintern Abbey,' or ' en 
 chanting Warwick Castle;' and she has read simply 
 libraries of books about England, and puts me through 
 a sort of examination about dozens of places and 
 events, as though I could carry all England about in 
 my head. I really know less of it than of most other 
 countries : there is nothing to be got by running about 
 it. If one knew every foot of it, everybody would 
 think it a matter of course ; but to be able to talk of 
 Siam and the Fiji Islands, Cambodia and Alaska, and 
 the like, is really an advantage in society. One gets 
 the name of being a great traveller, and all that, and is 
 asked about tremendously and taken up to a wonderful 
 extent. I know a man that didn't wish to go to the 
 trouble and expense of rambling all over the world, 
 and wanted the reputation of having done it, so he 
 went into lodgings at intervals near the British Museum 
 and got all the books that were to be had about a par 
 ticular country, and, having read them, would come 
 back to the West End and give out that he had been 
 there. It answered beautifully for a while, and he was 
 by way of being asked to become a Fellow of the 
 lioyal Geographical, and was thought quite an au 
 thority and wonderfully clever; but somehow he got 
 found out, which must have been a nuisance and spoiled 
 everything. I can see that these people consider it 
 quite an honor to have me visit them, all because of my 
 having been around the world, I dare say. And of 
 course I have let thorn see that I know who is who and
 
 412 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 what is what. They are imploring me to stay on ; but 
 I told them yesterday that it wouldn't suit my book at 
 all to stay over two weeks longer, when I had seen all 
 there was to see. That young Eamsay seems to be en 
 joying himself out there among those nasty savages ; 
 and, as hunting is about the only thing he is fit for, he 
 had best stay out there altogether." 
 
 The unwritten history of Mrs. Sykes's visit to Mar- 
 bury Park would have been more interesting than the 
 account she gave. She took with her a camp-chair, 
 which she placed in any and every spot that suited her 
 or commanded the pictorial situations which she wished 
 to make her own permanently. To the horror and sur 
 prise of her friends, she plumped it down immediately 
 in front of Mr. Wickers (after marching past an im 
 mense congregation), and, wholly unembarrassed by 
 her conspicuous position, settled herself comfortably, 
 took out her block and pencil, and proceeded to jot 
 down that worthy's features line upon line, as though 
 he had been a newly-imported animal at the " Zoo" on 
 exhibition, paying no attention to the precept upon pre 
 cept he was trying to impress upon his audience. 
 
 She walked all over the place repeatedly, went pok 
 ing and prying into such tents as she chanced to find 
 empty, nor considered this an essential requisite to the 
 conferring of this honor. When less sociably inclined, 
 she established herself outside, close at hand, and in 
 this way made those valuable observations and spirited 
 drawings which subsequently enriched her diary and 
 delighted a discerning British public. But this is an 
 ticipating. When she tired of New York, she wrote to 
 Sir Robert that she wished to ijive as much time as
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 413 
 
 possible to the Mormons, and would leave at once for 
 Salt Lake City, where she would busy herself in laying 
 bare the domestic system as it really existed, and hold 
 herself in readiness to join the party again when they 
 should arrive there en route to the Yosemite. 
 
 Sir Eobert, being an heroic creature, felt that he 
 oould bear this temporary separation with fortitude, 
 and, being about to start for Boston when he got the 
 news, forthwith threw himself upon the New England 
 States in a frenzied search for all the information to be 
 had about them, their exact geographical position, by 
 whom discovered, when settled, climate, productions, 
 population, principal towns and rivers. He studied 
 three maps of the region as he rattled along in the 
 south-bound train, and devoted the rest of the time to 
 getting an "outline of its history : so that his nephew 
 found him but an indifferent companion. 
 
 " I suppose there are authorized maps and charts, 
 geographical, hydrographical, and topographical, issued 
 by the government, and to be seen at the librarie^ 
 [ must get a look at them at once. These are amateur 
 productions, the work of irresponsible men, contradict 
 ing each other in important particulars as to the rela 
 tive position of places, and inaccurate in many respects, 
 as I find by comparison," he said, emerging from a pro 
 longed study of his authorities. " You don't seem to 
 take much interest in all this. You should be at the 
 pains to inform yourself upon every possible point in 
 connection with this country, or any other in which 
 you may find yourself; else why travel at all?" 
 
 Mr. Heathcote, not having his uncle's thirst for infor 
 mation, was reading a French novel at the time, and did 
 
 3A*
 
 414 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 not attempt to defend his position, knowing it probably 
 to be indefensible. 
 
 Before getting to Boston the air turned very chill, 
 and a fine, penetrating rain set in that for a while dis 
 turbed the student of American history with visions of 
 rheumatism. " God bless my soul ! I shall be laid by 
 the heels here for weeks. Damp is the one thing that 
 I can't stand up against. And I have not left my coat 
 out !" he exclaimed, tugging anxiously at his side-whis 
 kers and annoyed to find how dependent he had grown 
 on his valet. " "What shall I do ? Ah ! I have an idea. 
 Damp. What resists it and is practically water-proof? 
 Newspapers /" With this he stood up, seized the " Times" 
 supplement, made a hole in the middle of the central 
 fold, and put it over his head. " Now I have improvised 
 a South American serapa" he observed, in ~a tone that 
 betrayed the pleasure it gave him to exercise his in 
 genuity. He then took two other sheets and succes 
 sively wrapped them around his legs, after the fashion 
 te vogue among gardeners intent upon protecting valu 
 able plants from the rigors of winter. This done, he 
 smoothed down the serapa, which showed a volatile 
 tendency to blow up a good deal, and, with a brief com 
 ment to the effect that " oil-skin or india-rubber could 
 not be better," and no staring about him to observe the 
 effect of his action on the passengers, replaced his hat) 
 sat down, picked up his book again, readjusted his eye 
 glasses, and went on with the episode he had been 
 reading aloud to his nephew, who, mildly bored by 
 King Philip's war, was mildly amused by the spectacle 
 the baronet presented, and surprised to see that their 
 fellow-travellers thought it an excellent joke. A loud
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 415 
 
 "Haw! haw!" and many convulsive titters testified 
 their appreciation of the absurd contrast between Sir 
 "Robert's highly-respectable head, his grave, absorbed 
 air, and the remarkable way in which he was finished 
 off below the ears ; but he road on and on, in his round, 
 agreeable voice, unconscious of the effect he was pro 
 ducing, until the train came to a final stop, when Mi- 
 Porter and a very dignified, rigid style of friend ''amo 
 into the car to look for him. 
 
 " My dear Porter, I am delighted to see you, and 1 
 shall be with you in one moment. I shall then have 
 ceased to be a grub and have become a most beautiful 
 butterfly, ready to fly away home with you as soon as 
 ever you like," Sir Robert called out in greeting, and in a 
 twinkling had torn off his wrappers, and stood there a 
 revealed acquaintance, carefully collecting his " traps,'' 
 and beaming cheerfully even upon the friend of his 
 friend, who had not come to a pantomime and showed 
 that he disapproved of harlequins in private life. 
 
 Mr. Porter, however, was all cordiality, and very 
 epeedily transferred his guests to his own house in the 
 vicinity of Boston. 
 
 The season was not the one for gaining a fair idea of 
 the society of the city and neighborhood; but if all the 
 people who were away at the seaside and the mountains 
 were half as charming as those left behind and invited 
 by Mr. Porter to meet his friends, it is certain that Sir 
 Eobert lost a great deal. On the other hand, it is 
 equally certain that if they had been at home Sir Eob 
 ert would most likely be there now, and this chronicle 
 of his travels would end here. As it was, he found 
 something novel and agreeable at every step, a fresh
 
 416 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 interest every hour of his stay. He began at the be 
 ginning, and promptly found out what kind of soil the 
 city was built on, went on to consider such questions 
 as drainage, elevation, water-supply, wharves, quays, 
 bridges, and worked up to libraries, museums, public 
 and private collections of pictures, and what not. Ho 
 ordered three pictures of Boston artists, two autumnal 
 scenes, and an interior, a negro cabin, with an hilarious 
 sable group variously employed, called " Christmas in 
 the Quarters." Then the questions of fisheries, maritime 
 traffic, coast and harbor defences, light-houses, the ship 
 building interests, life-saving associations, and railway 
 systems, pressed for investigation, to say nothing of the 
 mills and manufactories, wages of operatives, trades- 
 unions, trade problems, and all the pros and cons of free 
 trade versus protective tariff. Over these he pondered 
 and pored until all hours every night ; and the diary 
 had now to be girt about with two stout rubber bands 
 to keep it from scattering instructive leaflets about pro 
 miscuously and prematurely. And by day there were 
 sites literary, historical, or generally interesting to be 
 visited, engagements with many friends to keep, endless 
 occupations apparently. 
 
 There was so much to see and do that the place was 
 delightful to him, and he certainly made himself vastly 
 agreeable in return to such of its inhabitants as came 
 in his way. 
 
 " I have added to my circle some very valuable ac 
 quaintances, whom I shall hope to retain as friends," he 
 wrote back to England, " notably a medical man who 
 confirms my germ-propagation theory of the ' vomito,' 
 which is now raging in the Southern part of the States
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 417 
 
 (I had it, you remember, on the west coast of Africa, 
 and studied it in the Barbadoes), an exceptionally 
 clever man, and, like all such men, inclined to be eccen- * 
 trie. I think I was never more surprised than to come 
 upon him the other day in a side-street, where he was 
 positively having his boots polished in public by a 
 ragged gamin who offered to ' shine' me for a ' dime ' 
 lie behaved sensibly about it, betrayed no embarrass 
 ment, though he must have felt excessively annoyed, 
 made no apologies, and only remarked that he had been 
 out in the country, and did not wish to be taken for a 
 miller in the town. 
 
 " I was led to believe before coming here that I should 
 not be able to tell that Boston was not an English town. 
 It did not so impress me on a surface-view, but it was 
 not long before I recognized that the warp and woof of 
 the social fabric is that of our looms, though the pat 
 tern is a little different, a good sort of stuff, I think, 
 warranted to wash and wear. The variation, such as it 
 is, tried by what I call my differential nationometer, 
 gives to the place its own peculiar, delightful quality." 
 
 The rigid gentleman was a great deal at the Porters', 
 and proved, when thawed out, to be pleasanter than he 
 looked, rather square in manner, and upright and 
 downright to the point of dogmatism sometimes, but 
 digestible, on the whole, to a man of catholic constitu 
 tion and kindly temper like Sir Robert. The process of 
 melting into good-fellowship was usually one of from 
 fifteen to twenty years' duration with the Bostonian, 
 but somehow he was no* sooner exposed to the genial 
 and delightful rays that radiated from the baronet the 
 combined effluence of a rubicund visage, a bright mind, 
 M
 
 418 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 and a cheerful spirit than he began to warm up in a 
 wonderful way. He not only freely contributed his 
 ideas in the talks the three gentlemen enjoyed daily 
 over their cigars, but his notions, some of which were 
 not without originality. For one thing he held that 
 the English tongue in the American mouth was heard to 
 better advantage than anywhere else. It was the Tus 
 can Romanized. The tongue of Shakespeare would owo 
 its preservation to the Colonies he was sure. Mac- 
 aulay's New Zealander would find only the remains of 
 the ancient tongue among other ruins. The descend 
 ants of Maori chiefs, American Indians, Dutch Boers, 
 and Hindoo princes were to become the conservators of 
 it. In this connection he showed what the United 
 States had done to preserve her share of the common 
 heritage, and, by way of illustration, what one citizen 
 of the great republic was doing, with the same end in 
 view. He was, indeed, rather inclined to insist upon 
 the great purity and beauty of his own English, to 
 which he repeatedly invited attention, and, as Mr. Earn- 
 say would have said, " went in for" certain philological 
 refinements which Sir Robert had never heard before, 
 and thoroughly disliked. But as there are more Scotch 
 men in London than in Edinburgh, and better oranges 
 can be bought for less money in New York than in New 
 Orleans, so it may be that if you want to find really su 
 perior English you must leave England altogether, 
 abandon it to its defective but firmly-rooted patois, and 
 seek in more classic shades for the well-spring of Saxon 
 undefiled. But Sir Robert was* not inclined to do this. 
 There were limits to his liberality and spirit of investi 
 gation. When the rigid gentleman instanced certain
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 419 
 
 words to which he gave a pronunciation that made 
 them bear small resemblance to the same words as 
 spoken by any class of people laboring under the dip- 
 advantage of having been born and bred in England, 
 Sir Robert got impatient, and testily dismissed the sub 
 ject with, " Oh, come now ! I can stand a good deal, 
 but I can't stand being told that we don't know how to 
 speak English in England." Something, however, must 
 be pardoned to a foreigner. If Sir Robert would not 
 consent to set Emerson a little higher than the angels, 
 as some other Bostonians could have wished, and had 
 never so much as heard of Thoreau and other American 
 celebrities not wholly insignificant, he had an immense 
 admiration for Longfellow, and could spout " Hiawatha" 
 or " Evangeline" with the best, associated Hawthorne 
 
 O ' 
 
 with something besides his own hedges in the month 
 of May, and was eager to be taken out to Beverly 
 Farms, that he might " do himself the honor to call 
 upon" the wisest, wittiest, least-dreaded, and best-loved 
 of Autocrats. When the day fixed for his departure 
 came, he was still revelling in what the Historical So 
 ciety of Massachusetts had to show him, and actually 
 stayed over a day that he might see the finest collection 
 of cacti in the country, and at last tore himself away 
 with much difficulty and lively regrets, carrying with 
 him a collection of Indian curiosities given him by Mr. 
 Porter, whom he considered to have behaved "most 
 handsomely" in making him such a present. " I can't 
 rob you outright, my dear fellow. I feel a cut-purse, 
 almost, when I think of taking all these valuable and 
 deeply-interesting objects illustrative of the life and 
 civilian lion of the aborigines," he said to his bo?t on tho
 
 420 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 morning of his departure. " Give me duplicates, if you 
 will be so generous, but nothing unique, I insist." lie 
 finally accepted one gem in the collection, a towering 
 structure of feathers that formed "a most delightful 
 head-dress, quite irresistibly fascinating," tried it on 
 before a mirror that gave back faithfully the comical 
 reflection, and incidentally delivered a lecture on the 
 head-ornaments of many savage and civilized nations 
 of every age, though not at all in the style of the famous 
 Mr. Barlow. 
 
 Mr. Heathcote at least was not sorry to find that they 
 were, as he said, " booked for Baltimore." The image 
 of the beautiful Miss Bascombe had not been effaced. 
 Perhaps he had photographed it by some private pro 
 cess on his heart with the lover's camera, which takes 
 rather idealized but very charming pictures, some of 
 which never fade. At all events, there it was, very 
 distinct and very lovely, and always hung on the line 
 in his mental picture-gallery. It was positively with 
 trepidation that he presented himself before her very 
 soon after his arrival ; and an undeniable blush " man 
 tled" his cheek if a blush can be said with any pro 
 priety to mantle the male cheek when he marched 
 into the drawing-room, where she was doing a dainty 
 bit of embroidery, and with much simplicity and direct 
 ness said, " You said I might come, you know, and I 
 have come ; and I begged of Ethel to come too, but she 
 could not leave my aunt," before he had so much as 
 shaken hands. Of course no well-regulated and well- 
 bred young woman and Miss Bascombe was both 
 ever permits herself to remember any man until she is 
 engaged to him; but she need not forget one that hps
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 421 
 
 impressed her agreeably. Miss Bascombe had not for 
 gotten the handsome Englishman she had met at Jenny 
 De Witt's, nor the little lecture she had given him on 
 the duties of brothers to sisters, and it did not strike 
 her that his inaugural address was at all eccentric or 
 mysterious. He had been told what he ought to do , 
 he had tried to do it, as was quite right and proper. He 
 deserved some reward. And he got it, though only as 
 an encouragement to abstract virtue, of course. The 
 young lady was pleased to be friendly, gracious, charm 
 ing. Her mother came in presently, was equally 
 friendly and gracious, and almost as charming. Her 
 father came home to dinner, and was friendly too, and 
 hearty, and very hospitable. Her brothers were friend 
 liest of all. He knew quite well that he had no claim 
 on them, that he had not saved the life of any member 
 of the family or laid them under any sort of obligation, 
 individually or collectively, and no reception could have 
 seemed more special and dangerously cordial, yet no 
 anxieties oppressed, no fears distracted him. The 
 weight of excessive eligibility suddenly slipped off him, 
 like the albatross from the neck of the Ancient Mariner, 
 leaving him a thankful and a happy man. In a week he 
 had established himself firmly at the Bascombes', declined 
 to accompany his uncle to Virginia, and definitely set 
 tled in his own mind that he would take the step matri 
 monial, the step from the sublime to well, not always 
 the ridiculous. With this resolution he naturally 
 thought that the greatest obstacle to success had been 
 removed ; but he was soon disillusionized. He had al 
 ready come to see that American girls were very much 
 in the habit of being gracious to everybody, and saying 
 
 36
 
 422 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 pretty and pleasant things, with no thought of an here 
 after; also that they did not live with St. George's, Ilan- 
 over Square, or its American equivalent, Trinity Church, 
 New York, stamped on the mental retina. Miss Bas- 
 combe was " very nice" to him, he told himself, but she 
 was quite as nice to a dozen other men. She was uni 
 formly kind, courteous, agreeable, to every one who 
 came to the house. Her cordiality to him meant noth 
 ing whatever. Yes, he was quite free, free as air; he 
 saw that plainly, and perversely longed to assume the 
 fetters he had so long and so skilfully avoided. What 
 was the use of having serious intentions when not the 
 slightest notice was taken of the most compromising 
 behavior? It was true that he was perfectly at liberty 
 to see more of Edith than an Englishman ever does of 
 any woman not related to him, and to say and do a 
 thousand things any one of which at home would have 
 necessitated a proposal or instant flight. But no import 
 ance whatever seemed to be attached to them here, and 
 he was utterly at a loss how to make his seriousness felt. 
 Yet it was quite clear that if there was to be any woo 
 ing done, he would have to do it, go every step of the 
 way himself, with no assistance from Miss Bascombe. 
 " How on earth am I to show her that I care for her ?" 
 he thought. " Other men send her dozens of bouquets, 
 and box after box of expensive sweets, and loads of 
 books, and music without end, and they come to see her 
 continually, and take her about everywhere, and arc 
 entirely devoted to her. I wonder what fellows over 
 here do when they are serious ? How do they make 
 themselves understood when they go on in this waj 
 habitually ? It is a most extraordinary state of affairs!
 
 OA T THIS yJDE. 423 
 
 And neither party seems to feel in tlie least compro 
 mised by it. There is that fellow Clinch, who fairly 
 Hves at the Bascombes', and when I asked her if she 
 was engaged to him she said, ' Engaged to George 
 Clinch ? What an idea ! No. What put that in your 
 head ? He is a nice fellow, and I like him immensely, 
 but there's nothing of that sort between us. What 
 made you think there was?' And when I explained, 
 she said, ' Oh, that's nothing ! He is just as nice to lots 
 of other girls.' And when I suggested to him that he 
 was attached to her, he said, ' Edith Bascombe ? Oh, 
 no! She is a great friend of mine, and a charming girl, 
 but I have never thought of that, nor has she. I go 
 there a good deal, but I have never paid her any marked 
 attention.' No marked attention, indeed ! Nothing 
 seems to mean anything here : it is worse than being in 
 England, where everything means something. No, it 
 isn't, either. I vow that when I am at the Clintons' in 
 Surrey I scarcely dare offer the girls so much as a muffin, 
 and if I ask the carroty one, Beatrice, the simplest ques 
 tion, she blushes and stammers as if I were proposing 
 out of hand. But what am I to do? I can't sing and 
 take to serenading Edith on moonlit nights with a guitar 
 and a blue ribbon around my neck. I can't push her 
 into the river that I may pull her out again. I dare 
 say there is nothing for it but to adopt the American 
 method, enter with about fifty others for a sort of 
 sentimental steeple-chase, elbow or knock every other 
 fellow out of the way in the running, work awfully 
 hard to please the girl, and get in by half a length, if 
 one wins at all. There is no feeling sure of her until 
 one is coming back from the altar, evidently."
 
 424 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Some of his conversations with Edith were certainly 
 anything but encouraging. At other times he felt mor 
 ally sure that she shared that derangement of the bival- 
 vular organ technically defined as " a muscular viscus 
 which is the primary instrument of the blood's motion," 
 whose worst pains are said to be worth more than the 
 greatest pleasures. He was very much in earnest, and 
 entirely straightforward. There were no balancing iu 
 decisions now, but the most downright affirmation of 
 preference. His little speeches were not veiled in rosy 
 clouds of metaphor and poetry and distant allusions, 
 like Captain Kendall's, nor did they flow out in an un 
 failing stream of romantic eloquence, like that gifted 
 warrior's. They were so honest and so clumsy, indeed, 
 that Edith could not help laughing at them merrily 
 sometimes, to his great discomfiture, consisting as they 
 did chiefly of such statements as, " You know that I am 
 most awfully fond of you. I was tremendously hard 
 hit from the first. If you don't believe me, you can ask 
 Ramsay. I told him all about it. You aren't in the 
 least like any other girl that I have ever known, except 
 Mrs. De "Witt a little. I suppose you know that I would 
 have married her at the dropping of a hat if I coul^ 
 have done so. But that is all over now. I care an 
 awful lot for you now, and shall be quite frightfully cut 
 up if you won't have anything to say to me, I shall, 
 really. I have got quite wrapped up in you, upon my 
 word. And I shall be intensely glad and proud if you 
 will consent to be my wife." 
 
 When Edith failed to take such speeches as these seri 
 ously, poor Mr. Heathcote was quite beside himself, and. 
 in reply to her bantering accusations as to his being
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 425 
 
 " a great flirt" and not " really meaning one word that 
 he said," opposed either burly negation or a deeply- 
 vexed silence. They looked at so many things differ 
 ently that they found a, piquant interest in discussing 
 every subject that came up. 
 
 " There .go May Dunbar and Fred Beach," she said 
 to him one Sunday as they were coming home from 
 church. " Isn't he handsome ? They have been engaged 
 three years. Did you ever hear of such constancy ?" 
 
 " Do you call that constancy ? Why, if a fellow can't 
 wait three years for a lovely girl like that, he must be 
 a poor stick. Why, my uncle Montgomery was engaged 
 to his wife seventeen years, while he went out to India 
 and shook the pagoda-tree, after which he came back, 
 paid all his father's debts, and they married and went 
 into the house they had picked out before he sailed," 
 aid Mr. Heathcote. 
 
 " Good gracious ! what a time ! I hope the poor thinga 
 were happy at last. Were they ?" asked Edith. 
 
 " H-m pretty well. He is a rather fiery, tyrannical 
 old party. She doesn't get her own way to hurt," he 
 replied. 
 
 " I have heard that Englishwomen give way to the 
 men in everything and are always, voluntarily or invol 
 untarily, sacrificed to them. It must be so bad for 
 both," said Edith sweetly. 
 
 " Oh, you go in for woman's rights and that sort of 
 thing, I suppose," he said, in a tone of annoyance. 
 
 " Indeed I don't do anything of the kind," replied she, 
 with warmth. " If I did, I should be aping the men 
 when I wasn't sneering at them. But I respect your 
 sex most when they most deserve to be respected, and
 
 426 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 E don't see anything to admire in a selfish, tyrannical 
 man that is always imposing his will, opinions, and 
 wishes upon the ladies of his household and expects to 
 be the first consideration from the cradle to the grave 
 because he happens to be a man." 
 
 " But he is the head of his house. He ought to get 
 his own way, if anybody does, and, if he is not a cow 
 ard, he will, too," said Mr. Heathcote rather hotly. 
 "Would you have a man a molly-coddle, tied to his 
 wife's apron-string, and not daring to call his soul his 
 own?" 
 
 " Not at all," replied Edith. " It is the cowards that 
 are the tyrants. 'The bravest are the tenderest, the 
 loving are the daring,' as our American poet says. And 
 women have souls of their own, except in the East. 
 Why shouldn't they be the first consideration and do as 
 they please, pray? They are the weaker, the more 
 delicate and daintily bred. If there is any pampering 
 and spoiling to be done, they should be the objects of 
 it. And as to rights, there is no divine right of way 
 given to man, that I know of. I don't believe in that 
 sort of thing at all. Of course no reasonable woman 
 ivants or expects everybody to kootoo before her and 
 everything to give way to her." 
 
 " And no gentleman fails to show a proper respect for 
 his wife's wishes and comfort, not to mention her hap 
 piness," said Mr. Heathcote. " But of course that sort 
 of thing is only to be found in America. Englishmen 
 are all selfish, and tyrants, and domestic monsters, 1 
 know." 
 
 "I didn't say anything of the kind," replied Edith 
 quickly, her cheeks pink with excitement. " I don't
 
 OJV THIS SIDE. 427 
 
 Know anything about Englishmen or the domestic sys 
 tem of England, and 1 Hover expect to. But, if what 
 I have heard is true, it is a system that tends to make 
 men mortally selfish ; and selfish people, whether they 
 are men or women, and whether they know it or not, 
 are all monsters. But I apologize for my remarks, and, 
 as I am not interested in the subject in the least, we will 
 talk of something else, if you please." 
 
 This very feminine conclusion, delivered loftily and 
 with sudden reserve, left Mr. Heathcote in anything but 
 an agreeable frame of mind, and for an hour or two 
 made him doubt the wisdom of international mar 
 riages ; but this mood passed away, and he remained a 
 fixture at the maison Bascombe, where the very post 
 man came to know him and generously sympathized 
 with the malady from which he was suffering. Nor 
 was this the only house in which he was made very 
 welcome. Baltimore is one of many American cities 
 that suffer from the vague but painful accusation of 
 being " provincial ;" but, admitting this dreadful charge, 
 it has social, gastronomic, and other charms of its own 
 that ought to compensate for the absence of that doubt 
 ful good, cosmopolitanism. Mr. Heathcote certainly 
 found no fault with it, and did not miss the population, 
 pauperism, or other institutions of Paris, London, or 
 Vienna. On the contrary, he took very kindly to the 
 pretty place, and heartily liked the people. There was 
 nothing oppressive or ostentatious in the attentions he 
 received, but just the cordiality, grace, and charm of 
 an old-established society 'of most refined traditions, 
 perfect savoir-vivre, and chronic hospitality. 
 
 " You are making a Baltimorean of me, you arc so
 
 428 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 awfully kind to me," he would say, pronouncing the a 
 in Bal as he would have done in sal ; but the truth was 
 that he had become primarily a Bascomite and only 
 very incidentally a Baltimorean. The city counts hun 
 dreds of such converts every year. He was so happy 
 and entirely content that he would have quite forgotten 
 what it was to be bored just at this period but for cer 
 tain individuals, a boastful, disagreeable Irishman, who 
 fastened upon him apparently for no other reason than 
 that he might abuse England at great length and talk 
 of his own valor, accomplishments, and "paddygree" 
 (as he very properly called the record that established 
 his connection with Brian Boroo and Irish kings gener 
 ally), and a lady who seemed to take the most astound 
 ing, unquenchable interest in the English nobility, as 
 more than one lady had seemed to him to do, to his 
 great annoyance. 
 
 " I don't know a bit about them, I assure you," he 
 said to her ; " but I have the ' Peerage.' If you would 
 like to see that, I will send it you with pleasure." 
 
 This only diverted her conversation into a different 
 but equally distasteful channel, the great distinction 
 and antiquity of her own family. It really seemed as 
 though she had a dread of Mr. Heathcote's leaving the 
 country with some wrong impression on this important 
 subject and was determined that he should be put in 
 possession of all the information she had or imagined 
 herself to have about it. She talked to him about it so 
 much that the poor man was at incredible pains to keep 
 out of her way. 
 
 " I don't care a brass copper about her," he complained 
 to Edith ; " and if the family has been producing women
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 429 
 
 like her as long as she says, and is going on at it, all I 
 can say is that it is a pity they have lasted this long, 
 and the sooner they die out the better. What do I 
 care about her family, pray ? I never heard as much 
 about family in all my life, I give you my word, as I 
 have done since I came to America. The stories told 
 me are something wonderful, all about the two brothers 
 that left England, and all that, you know. They seem 
 all to have come away in pairs, like the animals in the 
 ark. I said to one fellow that was beginning with those 
 two brothers, ' Couldn't you make it three, don't you 
 think ?' And you'll not believe me, but I speak quite 
 without exaggeration, when I say that one woman out 
 in Raising assured me gravely that she was descended 
 from the houses of York and Lancaster!" 
 
 " She didn't !" exclaimed Edith* " That is, if she did, 
 she must have been crazy ; and I won't have you going 
 back to England and giving false impressions of us by 
 repeating such stories. Promise mo that you will never 
 repeat it there." 
 
 " Oh, that's all right," he replied soothingly. " It's 
 an extreme case, I grant, and I'll say no more about 
 it if it vexes you, but it is a true tale all the same. 
 Howe was her name, I remember ; and I felt like say 
 ing, ' I'll eat my hand if I understand Howe this can 
 possibly be,' that's in the Bab Ballads, but I didn't." 
 
 Sir Eobert had small opportunity of making acquaint 
 ance with Baltimore. He was very eager to get down 
 into Virginia, and stayed there but two days. On the 
 second of these he attended a gentleman's dinner-party, 
 the annual mile-stone of a military society composed 
 of men who had worn the gray and marked the well
 
 430 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 known tendency of tempus to fugit in this agreeable 
 fashion. Their ex-enemies of the blue were also there, 
 but not in the original overwhelming numbers, and the 
 battle was now to one party, now to the other, the race 
 to the best raconteur, rivers of champagne flowed instead 
 of brave blood, and the smoke of cannon was exchanged 
 for that of Havanas. Sir Eobert's face beamed more 
 and more brightly as the evening wore on, and reminis 
 cences, anecdotes, stories, jests, songs, were fluently and 
 cleverly poured out in rapid succession by the hilarious 
 company. The fun was at its height, when he suddenly 
 leaned forward with his body at an insinuating angle 
 and smilingly addressed an officer opposite : " You must 
 really let me say that I have been delighted by all that 
 I have heard' here to-night, and appreciate the compli 
 ment you have paid me in permitting me to join you. 
 And now I am going to ask a great favor. Could you, 
 would you, give me some idea of ' the rebel yell,' as it 
 was called? "We heard so much about that. I am 
 most curious to hear it. It is always spoken of as 
 perfectly terrifying, almost unearthly " 
 
 The gentleman whom he addressed looked down the 
 table and rapped to call attention to what he had to say : 
 " Boys, this English gentleman is asking whether we 
 can't give him some idea of what the rebel yell is like. 
 What do you say ? If our Federal friends are afraid, 
 they can get under the table, where they will be perfectly 
 safe, and a good deal more comfortable than they used 
 to be behind trees or in baggage- wagons," he called out. 
 
 A hearty laugh followed, and their blood having got 
 bubbles in it by this time, a general assenting murmur 
 was heard.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 43j 
 
 The next instant a shriek, sky-rending, blood-curdling 
 savage beyond description, went up, a truly terrific 
 yell in peace, and enough to create a panic, one would 
 think, in the Old Guard in time of war. 
 
 " Thank you, thank you. / am entirely satisfied," 
 said Sir Eobert, in a comically rueful tone, as soon as he 
 ^ould say anything for the uproar. " I never imagined 
 anything like it, never. Where did you get it ? Who 
 invented it? Is it an adaptation of some war-cry of 
 the North American Indians ? It sounds like what one 
 would fancy their cries might be, doesn't it ? It has 
 got all the beasts of the forest in it ; and I confess that 
 I, for one, would have fled before it and stayed in the 
 wagons as long as there was the slightest danger of 
 hearing it. By Jove ! it must have been heard in Bos 
 ton when given in Virginia. It is curious how very 
 ancient the practice of " 
 
 But the company heard no more of curious practices, 
 for their yell had been heard, if not in Boston, in a far 
 more remarkable quarter, namely, by the police, who 
 now rushed in, prepared to club, arrest, and carry off 
 any and all disorderly and dreadful disturbers of the 
 peace. 
 
 If Sir Robert had been in any danger of being mur 
 dered, all experience goes to show that no policeman 
 could have been found before the following morning, 
 and then only in the remotest part of the city. As he 
 was merely being wined, dined, and amused, quite a 
 formidable body of these devoted but easily-misled 
 guardians of respectability and innocence poured into 
 the room, where at first they could see nothing for the 
 smoke. Matters were explained, they were invited to
 
 432 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 "take something" before they went, and took it, and. 
 quite placated, filed out into the passage again and from 
 thence into the street. 
 
 Sir Eobert sat up late that night, or rather begau 
 early on the following day, to copy the stories he had 
 most relished into the diary, and do what justice he could 
 to " the rebel yell," and. having added an admirably dis 
 criminating chapter on " the present political situation 
 in the States," concluded with, "How striking is the 
 good sense, the good feeling, that both the conquerors 
 and the conquered have shown, on the whole ! In other 
 countries, how often has a war far less bloody and pro 
 tracted left in its wake evils far greater than the origi 
 nal one, in guerilla warfare, murders, ceaseless revolt, 
 and smoldering hatred lasting for centuries on one side, 
 and centuries of tyranny, oppression, executions, confis 
 cations, on the other ! A brave and fine race this, not 
 made of the stuff that goes to keep up vendettas, shoot 
 landlords, blow up rulers, assassinate enemies. They 
 can fight as well as any, and they have shown that 
 they can forgive better than most, taken together, 
 true manliness. It may be that they are influenced by 
 a consideration which is said to be always present to 
 an American, ' Will it pay ?' and of course so practical 
 a people as this see that anarchy doesn't pay ; but I 
 would rather attribute their conduct to nobler, more 
 generous motives, and in doing this seem to myself to 
 be doing them no more than justice."
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 433 
 
 IX. 
 
 AMONG the inhabitants of the United States there are 
 none that stand so firmly on the national legs as the Vir 
 ginians, though it would be more correct to contract 
 this statement somewhat, substituting " State" for " na 
 tional," since it has never been the habit of Virginians 
 to make themselves more than very incidentally respon 
 sible for thirty-eight States and ten Territories occupied 
 by persons of mixed race, numerous religions, objection 
 able politics, and no safe views about so much as the 
 proper way to make mint-juleps. When Sir Robert 
 presented himself one day at the door of a fine old 
 house belonging to the golden age of ante-bellum pros 
 perity in Caroline County, he was received by two of 
 the most English Englishmen to be found on this planet, 
 in the persons of Mr. Edmund and Mr. Gregory Aglonby, 
 brothers, bachelors, and joint-heirs of the property he 
 had come to look at. These gentlemen received him 
 with a dignity and antique courtesy irresistibly sug 
 gestive of bagwigs, short swords, and aristocratic in 
 stitutions generally, a courtesy largely mingled with 
 restrained severity and unspoken suspicion until his 
 identity had been fully established by the letters of 
 introduction he had brought, his position defined, and 
 his mission in Caroline clearly set forth. An English 
 man out of England was a fact to be accounted for, not 
 imprudently accepted without due inquiry; but, this 
 done, the law and traditions of hospitality began to
 
 434 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 alleviate the situation and temper justice with mercy 
 The lady of the house was sent for, and proved to be a 
 wonderfully pretty old lady, who might have just got 
 out of a sedan-chair, whose manner was even finer and 
 statelier than that of her brothers (diminutive as she 
 was in point of mere inches), and who executed a 
 tremendous courtesy when Sir Robert was presented. 
 " An English gentleman travelling in this country foi 
 pleasure, and desirous of seeing 'Heart's Content.' 
 Anne Buller," explained the. elder brother. Miss Ag- 
 lonby's face, which had worn a look of mild interest 
 during the first part of this speech, clouded perceptibly 
 at its close. She murmured some mechanical speech of 
 welcome in an almost inaudible voice, and sat down in 
 a rigid and uncompromising fashion, while her heart 
 contracted painfully. A gentleman to look at the place : 
 there had been several such in the last year, who had 
 come, and seen, and objected to the price, and ridden 
 away again ; but perhaps this one might not ride away, 
 and the uneasy thought tormented her throughout the 
 conversation that followed. The brothers, meanwhile, 
 had quite accepted Sir Robert, and had insisted, with a 
 calm, authoritative air, on sending for his " travelling 
 impedimenta," which had been deposited at the hotel 
 in a neighboring town, and had expressed a lofty hope 
 that he would do them the honor to consider himself 
 their guest. 
 
 " The res angusta domi will not permit us to entertain 
 you in a manner befitting your rank and in consonance 
 with our wishes," said Mr. Edmund Aglonby, in his 
 representative capacity as head of the family, " but, 
 that consideration waived, I need not say that we shall
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 435 
 
 esteem it an honor and a pleasure to have you domesti 
 cated beneath this roof as long as you find any satisfac 
 tion in remaining." 
 
 " It was not my idea, certainly, to intrude upon you 
 here, but rather to treat with your solicitor in this mat 
 ter ; but if you find it more agreeable to set him aside, 
 which between gentlemen is usually altogether more 
 satisfactory, and will, in addition, allow me to become 
 your guest for a few days, I can only say that I shall 
 be delighted to accept your kind hospitality," replied 
 Sir Eobert. 
 
 " Brother Gregory, will you see that our guest's effects 
 are at once transferred to his room here?" said Mr. 
 Aglonby, half turning in his chair and giving a graceful 
 wave with one of his long, shapely hands toward the 
 door, after which he bowed with dignified grace to Sir 
 Robert, and said, " Your decision gives us great satis 
 faction, sir." Mr. Gregory Aglonby confirmed thie 
 statement in Johnsonian periods before he left, and tiny 
 Miss Aglonby expressed herself as became a lady who 
 had been receiving guests in that very room for fifty 
 years with stiff but genuine courtesy. The atmosphere 
 was so familiar to Sir Robert that he could scarcely be 
 lieve himself to be in an American household. Could 
 this be the American type of his dreams ? Was there 
 ever a country in which the scenes shifted so completely 
 with a few hours or days of travel ? " If this' goes on, 
 America will mean everything, anything, to mo," he 
 thought. " When I hear of a Frenchman, or German, 
 or Italian, I have some idea of what I shall find; but 
 it is not so here at all. This Mr. Aglonby is quite evi 
 dently a gentleman, and a high-bred one; but so was
 
 436 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Porter in Boston, and Colonel De Witt, and those Bal 
 timore fellows ; yet how different they all are ! These 
 men remind me more of my grandfather and my great- 
 uncles than any Englishman of the present day. Per 
 haps they are English. I'll ask. Who would ever sup 
 pose them to be countrymen of Ketchum's ?" 
 
 After dinner, and you may be sure the dinner was 
 a good one, for Miss Aglonby was one of a generation 
 of women whose knowledge of housewifely arts was 
 such that, shut up in a light-house or wrecked on a 
 desert island, they would have made shift to get a nice 
 meal somehow, even if they could not have served it, 
 as she did, off old china and graced it with old silver, 
 after dinner, then, a long and pleasant evening set in, 
 with no thought or talk of business-matters. Sir Eobert 
 was charmed with his new acquaintances, and not less 
 by the matter than by the manner of their conversation. 
 Did they talk of travels, Mr. Aglonby " liked to read 
 books of adventure," but had never been out of the 
 State of Virginia, and had no wish to go anywhere. 
 He deplored his fate in being compelled at his age to 
 leave it permanently and take up his residence in Florida, 
 where his physician was sending him. He talked of 
 " Mr. Pope" and " Mr. Addison," quoted Milton and the 
 Latin classics, and had chanced upon " a modern work 
 lately, by a wi-iter named Thackeray," " Henry Esmond," 
 which had pleased him extremely. On hearing this, Sir 
 Eobert took occasion to ask him whether he liked any 
 of the writings of this and that New-England author 
 of the day, about whom he had been hearing a great 
 deal since his arrival in the country, and Mr. Aglonby 
 replied, with perfect truth, that he had " never heard
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 437 
 
 of them," though he added that Irving and Cooper, the 
 latest additions to his library, were, in his opinion, 
 " writers of merit." In politics Mr. Aglonby declared 
 himself the champion of a defunct party, the "old-lino 
 Whigs," and explained " the levelling, agrarian ten 
 dencies of Tom Jefferson" and the result of his policy, 
 which had been " to eliminate the gentleman from poli 
 tics." Mr. Gregory Aglonby spoke with regretful emo 
 tion of that period of the history of Virginia in which 
 her local magistrates had managed county affairs in 
 such a way as to secure her " safety, honor, and wel 
 fare," when universal suffrage had not ''cursed the 
 country with ignorance and incompetence, legally es 
 tablished at present, indeed, but sure to be supplemented 
 by a property or educational test eventually." In re 
 ligion they were what " the Aglonbys had always been, 
 attached adherents of the Episcopal Church in this 
 country, as of the Establishment in England." Quite 
 early in the evening Sir Eobert had propounded his 
 question as to their nationality. " Are you an Ameri 
 can ?" he had asked the elder of the two gentlemen, 
 and both had replied, " We are Virginians," in accents 
 that werb eloquent of love and pride. 
 
 " Upon my word, if I were asked what your nation 
 ality was, I should say that you were English," re 
 marked Sir Eobert, feeling that he was making what 
 they must see was a handsome concession. But he was 
 not talking to a Sam Bates now. Mr. Edmund Aglonby 
 regarded him with a reserved air, as if he had said 
 something rather flippant. 
 
 Mr. Gregory said gravely, "You doubtless moan it 
 kindly, but we would prefer to bo thought what we aro, 
 
 37*
 
 438 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Virginians. Not that we are ashamed of our parent 
 stock, but Anne Buller here is the seventh of the name 
 born in this country, and it is only natural that we 
 should be completely identified with- it. Unworthy as 
 we are to represent it, we are Virginians." That any 
 body could be more than a Virginian had never crossed 
 Mr. Aglonby's mind ; but it should be said, in defence 
 of what many regard as an exaggerated State pride, 
 that to such men to be less than a Virginian (that is, an 
 embodiment of the virtues represented to them by the 
 title) is equally impossible. 
 
 Whist was now proposed, and played by the light of 
 two candles in old-fashioned candlesticks, that towered 
 high enough to allow mild yellow rays to illuminate a 
 vast expanse of bald head belonging to Mr. Gregory, 
 and made the dark sheen of the polished mahogany 
 table dimly visible beneath. An oil-lamp on the high 
 mantel-shelf enabled Sir Robert to get a ghostly impres 
 sion of the large, bare room in which they were sitting, 
 the high ceilings, the black-looking floors fading away 
 into grewsome corners, the spindle-legged furniture that 
 had no idea of accommodating itself to a lolling, man 
 nerless generation, and loomed up in some occasional 
 piece in a threatening sort of way, solid, massive, dig 
 nified furniture, conscious of its obligations to society 
 and ready to fulfil them to the very end, however little 
 a frivolous and degenerate world might be worthy of 
 such accessories. More than once in the pauses of the 
 game Sir Robert's eyes wandered to the pictures, of 
 which there were a number, all portraits, two being 
 half discernible, a young matron in ruby velvet and 
 pearls, with hair dressed in a pyramid, a coach-and-six
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 439 
 
 in court-plaster stuck on a snowy forehead, and eyes 
 that would have laughed anybody into a good humor ; 
 and, opposite, a gentleman of the pursiest, puniest, 
 most prosperous description, the husband of the young 
 matron, and so evidently high-tempered, dull, and ob 
 stinate, that he must have brought many a tear into 
 the laughing eyes. 
 
 " A handsome woman, that," ho said, after one of 
 these moments of inattention, " and a good picture." 
 
 " It is an ancestress of ours on the distaff side, Lady 
 Philippa Yane, and is accounted a Lely. Brother 
 Gregory, if you will have the kindness to cut the cards* 
 we can proceed with our game. The other is her hus 
 band and cousin, a man of rank and large*property but 
 incurably vicious propensities, to whom we are rather 
 fond of attributing certain follies and weaknesses in his 
 descendants, and who we could wish had laid to heart 
 the maxim, ' Nobilitatis virtus non stemma character. 1 
 They were of the Vanes of Huddlesford," said Mr, 
 Aglonby. 
 
 <; Ah," said Sir Eobert, "you suppose yourself to have 
 some connection with the Huddlesford Vanes ?" 
 
 Mr. Aglonby's white tufted brows arched themselves 
 in surprise above his dark eyes at the question, and 
 there was a little more dignified reserve than before in 
 his voice and manner as he said, " Descent and alliance 
 are not matters of supposition in Virginia, but of record. 
 Anne Buller, I beg your forgiveness for having inad 
 vertently revoked. My memory is really growing too 
 treacherous to permit of my long enjoying this diver 
 sion, however great the horrors of an old age without 
 cards may be."
 
 440 ON BOTH SJJDES. 
 
 The deferential courtesy paid to Miss Aglonby by her 
 brothers was the most remarkable feature of the game 
 to Sir Eobert, and, when it was over, the first thought 
 of both was to place a chair for her in the corner she 
 generally occupied. They were not in haste, it was 
 impossible to associate the idea of hurry or flurry with 
 either of them, but somehow there was a little collision 
 between them in doing this, followed by formal bows 
 and elaborate mutual apologies, which were broken in 
 upon by Miss Aglonby's low voice, saying, "Brother 
 Edmund, I feared that you had slipped again. He sus 
 tained a grave injury in that way last winter" (this to 
 Sir Eobert), "gnd I am always afraid that the disastrous 
 experience may be repeated. Brother Gregory, I thank 
 you. I am entirely comfortable, and I beg that you will 
 be seated now. Perhaps our guest will do us the favoi 
 to resume the very instructive and entertaining dis 
 course with which he was beguiling us earlier in the 
 evening." 
 
 Thus adjured, Sir Eobert proceeded to instruct and 
 entertain, with such success that all three of his com 
 panions were charmed, though they gave no frivolous 
 evidences of it, such as laughing heartily, interrupting 
 him to interject phrases or opinions into the " discourse," 
 or replying in an animated strain. They listened with 
 intelligent seriousness to what he had to say, weighed 
 it apparently, replied to it with gravity, responded to 
 some jest with a smile ; but, although they were not 
 people to approve of crackling thorns under a pot, or 
 any form of folly, they were, in their way, appreciative 
 of the culture, humor, and insight he showed. Mr. 
 Aglonby begged to be favored with his " observations"
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 441 
 
 on America, and added that " the dispassionate reflec- 
 tions of an intelligent foreigner should be esteemed of 
 the utmost value by all judicious patriots and enlight 
 ened political economists, calling attention, as they often 
 did, to evils and dangers whose existence had not been 
 previously suspected." Mr. Gregory Aglonby wished 
 to hear more of his travels among " that God-forsaken 
 people the French." Miss Aglonby was eager to know 
 more of the England of " Bracebridge Hall." 
 
 When bedtime came at last (" the proper season for 
 repose," dear old Anne Buller called it, when she rose 
 to " retire"), another courtesy was executed in front of 
 Sir Eobert by the chatelaine of " Heart's Content," who 
 6aid, " How truly it has been remarked that we owe 
 some of our keenest pleasures in life to strangers ! You 
 must permit me to thank you again for your improving 
 and pleasing conversation, which I shall often recall, 
 and always with lively satisfaction. May your slumbers 
 be refreshing and your awakening devoid of all pain ! 
 I wish you a very good night, sir." With this Miss 
 Aglonby took up one of the top-heavy candlesticks, and 
 glided, like the shade she was and ghost of a past period, 
 up the stairs. 
 
 While Mr. Gregory was looking to bolts and bars, Sir 
 Robert strayed about the room with his hands behind 
 him, looking at the pictures, followed by Mr. Aglonby, 
 who made no extensive comment on them, but gave a 
 word of explanation occasionally when his guest halted 
 longer than usual before a canvas, such as, " The First 
 Edmund, who came here in 1654;" "Edmund the 
 Second ;" " Edmund the Third, in his Oxford cap and 
 gown ;" " Gregory Aglonby, a colonel in the Revolution-
 
 442 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 ary forces ;" " Red-haired Edmund, as we call him, be 
 cause the others are all dark ;" " Colonel Everard Buller 
 Aglonby, who represented this county in the House of 
 Burgesses for thirty years, and his wife, who was a 
 Calvert, a great-aunt, a woman of extraordinary piety, 
 flrho reduced herself from a condition of affluence to 
 comparative poverty by the manumission of her three 
 hundred slaves." 
 
 When he had shaken hands with his host at the door 
 of his bedroom (which was emphatically the room of a 
 bed, a huge, be-stepped, pillared, testered contrivance 
 that waited at one end of the large apartment to murder 
 sleep), Sir Robert fell to winding his watch with what 
 looked like interest, but all his thoughts were with the 
 Aglonby s. 
 
 "English gentlefolks of the eighteenth century pie- 
 served in Virginian amber. What a curious survival ! 
 ' Gentlemen of a period of manners, morals.' Remark 
 ably interesting ! Delightful types of a society as extinct 
 as the dodo," he was saying to himself. " There is but 
 one mould for the gentleman ; but nature changes ita 
 shape with every century, I suppose, though I some 
 times think she has gone out of the business altogether 
 in utter disgust. We have got a lot of plutocrats that 
 are tailors' blocks, and nobles that talk like stable-boya 
 and act like blackguards, and both fancy themselves 
 gentlemen ; but when I contrast them with the men of 
 my father's day even And this dainty, charming old 
 bit of Chelsea-ware, Anne Buller ! Her brothers treat 
 her as though she were a reigning princess. ' I wonder 
 what she would say if she could see, as I did the other 
 iay, a group of Nuneham girls caljing each other by
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 443 
 
 their last names and smoking cigarettes with a half- 
 ilozen Cambridge men, who chaffed them and treated 
 them exactly as though they were so many boys in 
 petticoats. Well, well, the world moves, I know, and 1 
 am an old fogy; but I shall not make myself hoarse 
 shouting ' Huzza' until I find out whether we are going 
 to the devil or not. I hope I am not getting as cynical 
 as old Caradoc, who declares that he can always tell a 
 countess from an actress nowadays by the superior 
 modesty and refinement of the actress." 
 
 In the next few days Sir Robert carefully inspected 
 the rambling, substantial old house, which, to Miss Ag- 
 lonby's chagrin, he pronounced " quite modern ;" though 
 he smiled when she informed him that " Heart's Content" 
 had been "refurnished quite recently, in '48." He also 
 went over the land, only about four hundred acres, put 
 the most searching questions as to its practical value 
 and uses, filled a tin box with the earth, meaning to 
 have it analyzed by " a respectable chemist," and went 
 into details generally with much energy. Nor had he 
 anything to complain of in the way of unfair dealing 
 in Mr. Gregory Aglonby, who accompanied him and 
 gave him the fullest and frankest particulars about the 
 property, which he pointed out was going to rack and 
 ruin, or rather had gone there. Every broken gate 
 and stony field was dear to his heart, and it was a mel 
 ancholy pilgrimage to him ; but had not Mr. Aglonby 
 waid to him that morning, " Brother Gregory, the place 
 must go, there is no help for it, and this gentleman 
 seems likely to become a purchaser. Will you see that 
 the disadvantages of the property are set before him 
 o.learly, especially such as a stranger would certainly
 
 444 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 overlook? I cannot entertain a proposition of any 
 kind looking to its ultimate purchase until I know that 
 this has been done, anxious as I am to have this matter 
 definitely concluded. I had thought to die here. But 
 it has been otherwise ordered by an overruling and all- 
 wise Providence." 
 
 It did not escape Sir Robert that he was not likely 
 to be overreached in his bargain, however much he 
 might repent of it ; and when Mr. Gregory pointed 
 across the road and said, '-The 'Little England' farn 
 lies over there, but produces less and less every, year. 
 The land is exhausted," Sir Robert thought, " The fellow 
 is either quixotic or doesn't wish to sell. I rather think 
 the first : there has certainly been no shuffling and pre 
 tending." Aloud he said, " The soil can't be exhausted. 
 It is virgin still compared to that of England, and- all 
 that it needs is careful cultivation. It seems to mo 
 that what Virginia needs is immigration." 
 
 Mr. Gregory looked displeased. It was as though 
 Sir Robert had criticised Anne Buller's dress. "On the 
 contrary, we wish to keep Virginia for Virginians," he 
 said slowly. "We have no desire to see it overrun by 
 a horde of Irish and Dutch, and heaven knows what 
 besides. The proper place for that kind of people is 
 the "West and Northwest. If we could get the right 
 class of English emigrants, that would be another 
 matter. But it is scarcely likely that they will come 
 here in any considerable number, now that the poor 
 old commonwealth offers so little remunerative return 
 to the most honorable enterprise." 
 
 When Sir Robert had quite made up his. mind thai 
 he would like to possess the place, he telegraphed im
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 445 
 
 peratively for Mr. Heathcote, who joined him most 1x5- 
 luetantly. Together they walked all over the county, 
 saw a great many people, and having bought two hun 
 dred acres that marched with, and, indeed, had formerly 
 been a part of, the Aglonby estate, Sir Eobert made a 
 liberal offer for " Heart's Content," expressed his thanks 
 for the kind and honorable treatment he had received 
 there, and, his terms being accepted, paid the purchase- 
 money, and begged that the family would suit* their 
 own convenience entirely in giving it up. This settled, 
 he went his way to the Natural Bridge, which he con 
 sidered should rank second only to Niagara in this 
 country in point of interest, and then went on to Lex 
 ington, to visit General Lee's tomb, and from there to 
 see Stonewall Jackson's grave, which, to his intense 
 astonishment and indignation, he found half covered 
 with visiting-cards, the exquisite tribute of the senti 
 mental tourist to the stern soldier. He could do nothing 
 until he had cleared the last bit of pasteboard (with 
 "Miss Mollie Bangs, Jonesville," printed on it) away 
 from the mound. This ho did energetically with his 
 umbrella, after which he sat down quietly to think of 
 his favorite hero, who seemed to be " resting under the 
 shade of the trees over the river" rather than there, 
 and fell to repeating "Stonewall Jackson's Way," a 
 very favorite lyric, which he knew by heart. " ' Appeal 
 ing from his native sod In forma pauperis to God,' ought 
 to be his epitaph. I think he would like that," he said. 
 ' I am glad England can claim such a son, however 
 indirectly. Fancy ' Miss Mollie Bangs' leaving a card 
 - and such a card on old Blue-Light ! A decent ono 
 might do for Beau BrummeFs grave, but Jackson'a 1" 
 
 38
 
 446 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Mr. Heathcote was with him, and, after one careless 
 glance, had strolled up and down, absorbed in his own 
 thoughts, which were not of war or death. He only 
 half listened to his uncle's praise of the great soldier, 
 and presently said, a propos of nothing that had hap 
 pened that day, " Uncle, what would you say if I should 
 ask you to let me live at ' Heart's Content' ?" 
 
 "Eh? What's that?" asked Sir Eobert, forgetting 
 in his surprise to blow out the lighted match ho had 
 just applied to the offending cards. "You live in 
 America ? What idea have you got in your head, my 
 boy?" 
 
 Mr. Heathcote could not tell his uncle that Edith had 
 said that she would never marry an Englishman, never ! 
 but that if she ever did, she should insist upon his living 
 in America, for to go away from mamma and papa and 
 the boys and everybody she cared for was- a thing sho 
 could not and would not do, not if she adored the man 
 that demanded such a sacrifice of her. What he did 
 say was that he was tired of his aimless life in London, 
 and liked his uncle too well to look forward with an}*- 
 pleasure to succeeding him, and that he should like to 
 have a small property to manage without aid of bailiff, 
 dteward, agent, or factotum of any kind. "I could go 
 over whenever I liked, or you needed me, and you could 
 come to me to see that I wasn't making ducks and 
 drakes of the property," he said. "And it is an experi 
 ment, I grant; but you have always been awfully gen 
 erous and kind to me, and I have something laid by 
 that would cover the possible losses my inexperience 
 might cause, for the first year at least. I am sure I can 
 learn the trade, and am willing to pay for my appren-
 
 ON THIS HIDE. 447 
 
 tieeship, if you will only let mo try my hand at farm 
 ing." 
 
 " The boy is thinking of marrying," was Sir Robert's 
 mental comment ; but he only said that ho had bought 
 the place with a very different idea, but that he would 
 think the matter over. 
 
 " You must remember that it will not be child's play," 
 he said. " And if you should grow attached to it and 
 wish to stay, you will be practically giving up your own 
 country, you know. But America is hardly a foreign 
 country. It is the representative institutions, moral 
 ideas, social atmosphere, and mental habits that make a 
 people, not the mere physical features of the country, 
 and in character the Americans are, as Mr. Aglonby 
 would say, ' Englishmen once removed' across the At 
 lantic. You might be quite happy and content among 
 < hem. Just so." 
 
 " Oh, yes, I am sure I shall. You are quite in the 
 right in what you say of them," Mr. Heathcote eagerly 
 replied. 
 
 And Sir Eobert, who had purposely laid this trap for 
 him, thought to himself, " The boy is certainly in love. 
 I must find out all about it, unless he has the grace to 
 tell me himself." 
 
 Much as she liked Niagara, Miss Noel was not sorry, 
 after long delay, to get a letter from Sir Robert, asking 
 her to join him in Chicago, and telling her of a delight 
 ful visit he had made to Richmond, where he had beer 
 received "with particular kindness" and had met a 
 great number of agreeable people, most of them Vir 
 ginians of the modern type and scarcely so interesting, 
 in a way, as the Aglonby family, who, as he saw from
 
 448 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 other individuals, were survivals of a generation rapidly 
 disappearing, to be found only occasionally here and 
 there now, " a class of aristocrats long a curious an 
 omaly in a republican state, hardly to be matched in 
 Europe to-day outside of Austria, and never to be repro 
 duced." 
 
 It did not take Parsons long to do the necessary 
 packing; but Miss Noel consumed a whole day in put 
 ting up her carefully-labelled " specimens of the flora of 
 New York ;" and Ethel had to settle with Mr. Bates, 
 who would doubtless rather have been rejected by an 
 Englishwoman than accepted by any American, and was 
 not denied that luxury. 
 
 From Chicago the reunited forces went off almost 
 immediately to Salt Lake City, having only three days 
 to give to a little hurried sight-seeing in the " marvel 
 lous Sphinx city," as they called it in their letters 
 home. 
 
 At Salt Lake Mrs. Sykes was awaiting their arrival, 
 and betrayed a radiant satisfaction at the first glance. 
 
 " You can't think how busy I have been and what a 
 lot I have accomplished," she related exultantly. " I 
 have found a whole village of Thompsons with a p, and 
 went and boarded there, and have got up a book that 
 Bentley will give me a hundred pounds for. And I 
 have done a lot of sketches to illustrate it, and, so far 
 from being out of pocket, shall have made by my 
 American tour. It has been the greatest fun imagin 
 able, poking about in their houses and dishing them up 
 afterward. And, only fency, I've got a lock of Brigham 
 Young's hair, well authenticated. I palmed myself off on 
 a person that I met as being a very great admirer of
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 449 
 
 his, and she gave me it. When I get homo I'm going 
 to have a ring made of it, like the one Lady Bottsford 
 has got made of King John of Abyssinia's wool, which 
 has been so talked of. People have taken to noticing 
 my rings very much ever since I had that tooth of dar 
 ling Bobo's polished and mounted in brilliants ; and this 
 will be unique, there will not be another like it in all 
 England. I told the person of whom I got it what 
 meant to do with it, and she said that I must revere 
 him deeply ; and, do you know, I quite forgot my part 
 that I was playing, and said that I didn't care a fig for 
 the old sinner, but that it was a great curiosity. And 
 she was so engry, quite fiawrious, and wanted it back ; 
 but of course she didn't get it. When do we leave 
 this ?" 
 
 They left as soon as Sir Eobert had satisfied himself 
 on certain points, and Miss Noel had been sufficiently 
 shocked by a service in the Tabernacle, and Mr. Heath- 
 cote had indulged in a bath in the lake, which he pei- 
 sisted in taking, and in the course of which he went 
 through any nuinber of antics in addition to his usual 
 feats, in themselves remarkable, for he was a vigorous 
 and powerful swimmer. The ex-Devonshire Elder 
 (whom Mrs. Sykes had seen more than once slinking 
 about the streets, she said, but who had not come near 
 her) was pleased to be very polite to Sir Eobert, 01 
 would have been if he had been allowed ; but, not wish 
 ing to conduct a Salt Lake campaign d la Sykos, Sir 
 Robert was content to see the place in his own way, got 
 a phial of water from the lake, which Miss Noel said 
 reminded her of Sodom and Gomorrah and was " very 
 suited to the odious place," looked at and into such 
 dd 38*
 
 450 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 things as could b^e seen in a short stay, and made 
 temperate, careful records of the same in his note-book. 
 
 The next point of interest to the party was " 'Frisco 
 and the Yosemite," toward which they pushed as fast as 
 steam could take them, Sir Kobert and Miss Noel being 
 vividly interested in many things en route, Ethel and 
 Mr. Heathcote pleased by a few, Mrs. Sykes grumbling 
 ceaselessly about the length, monotony, bareness, arid 
 ity, stupiditjr, and general hideousness of the journey. 
 The only thing that really amused her was a quarrel 
 that she got up with a lady who sat near her. The 
 acquaintance promised to be friendly enough for a while, 
 for the lady was an amiable soul, the wife of " a dry 
 goods merchant in Topeka," she told Mrs. Sykes. The 
 latter was pleased to ask her a great many questions 
 and to patronize her quite extensively in default of 
 other amusement, so that all went well at first. But 
 the second stage of Mrs. Sykes's friendship was not apt 
 to be so pleasant as the first, and accordingly she much 
 astonished her neighbor one morning by saying to her 
 curtly, " Why don't you speak English?" 
 
 " Why, I do. I talk it all the time, don't I ?" replied 
 the lady. 
 
 " No, you don't. Just look here. I have made a list 
 of the things you say. They are not English at all. I 
 don't know what you mean, often." 
 
 " Do you mean to say that you never heard anybody 
 talk like me ?" asked the lady indignantly, as she fum 
 bled in her bag for her glassesT 
 
 " Oh, I didn't say that. I've heard some of the words 
 among our lodging-house-keepers ; but you have in- 
 rented others, and your pronunciation is abominable.
 
 ON THIS SIDE'. 451 
 
 
 
 I'ou should really mend it, if you can," replied Mrs. 
 Sykes, with decision. 
 
 The list which had been so civilly put in the Topekan 
 lady's hands was a long one, and ran as follows: 
 " Chawcolate, pawk, hawrid, cawd, squrl, stoopid, win 
 der, lemmy, gimmy, years (for ears), 'cute, edgercation, 
 conchienchous," etc., etc. 
 
 The fingers that held it trembled with rage long be 
 fore it was finished, for the Topekan lady had wealth 
 and social aspiration, if not " edgercation ;" and when 
 Mrs. Sykes broke in with, " Well, what do you say to 
 that ?" she had a good deal to say, and said it very for 
 cibly, in such English as she could command, after 
 which she swelled in speechless angfir opposite for the 
 remainder of their journey. 
 
 " There it is again. If I say the least thing to these 
 Americans they fly out like that," complained Mrs. 
 Sykes to Miss Noel. 
 
 But for sheer ill humor nothing could have surpassed 
 her own conduct when they had " done" San Francisco, 
 which she declared to be " a dull, dirty, windy place, with 
 a harbor of which entirely too much is made, ridicu 
 lously overpraised, in fact," and got under way for the 
 Yosemite. The roads, the rough vehicle, the country, 
 could not be sufficiently abused. However, when the 
 spot was reached, she relented, as she had done at Ni 
 agara, and, looking up at the giant trees, graciously 
 conceded that they also were " quite up to the mark." 
 
 It was a pleasant spectacle to see Sir Kobert's enthu 
 siasm. Such gazing and neck-craning and measuring 
 and speculating! Such critical inspection of bark, 
 leaves, soil, lichens! Such questioning of the guides I
 
 452 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 
 
 Such keen delight, wonder, remeasuring, recraning, 
 theories, calculations, endless contemplation ! The en 
 joyment of the others was as nothing, compared to his, 
 for if there was a thing that he loved it was a fine 
 tree, and had he not some of the best timber in Eng 
 land, which he knew as some generals have known their 
 soldiers and some shepherds their sheep ? " Stupen 
 dous! Prodigious ! "Wonderful !" burst from his lips as 
 he walked slowly around them and rode between them 
 us in a dream, perfectly entranced. He could scarcely 
 be dragged away, and at last was only moved by the 
 thought that there was so much that he ' must posi 
 tively see" in the surrounding country which was wait 
 ing to be considered volcanically, botanically, geologi 
 cally, and otherwise. It was one of his vexations that 
 nature, art, science, history, commerce, were so long, 
 and time and a voraciously intelligent but mortal and 
 limited baronet so fleeting. He would have liked to 
 spend several months on the Pacific coast, looking into 
 a thousand things with unflagging zeal and interest. 
 It was really afiiicting to turn his back upon the early 
 Spanish settlers, the Jesuit missions, the grape and olive 
 production, mining interests, earthquake statistics, the 
 Chinese problem, annual rainfall on the great plateau, 
 study of the Sierra Nevada range, and last, most allur 
 ing of all, that of the Santa Barbara Islands, described 
 by a companion of Drake as densely populated by a 
 white race with light hair and ruddy cheeks. When 
 Sir Hobert thought of that people and of all the bliss of 
 investigation, he almost decided to make a winter of it 
 in California and solve that mystery or perish. But he 
 had still much to accomplish, and he had fixed the day
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 453 
 
 for sailing before leaving England. So back the part} 
 came to Si. Louis, where they found a mountain of mail- 
 matter from the four quarters of the globe. There were 
 five voluminous epistles from Mrs. Vane to Miss NoeJ, 
 and others from that household; a simple domestic 
 chronicle from Mabel, describing her daily round and 
 stating her fears and anxieties about " Boy," who was 
 getting " sadly wilful and unruly," and, like a youthful 
 Ajax, had lately "defied husband;" and one of Mr. 
 Ketchum's characteristic epistles : 
 
 " I send you a letter of introduction to my friend Fry 
 in New Orleans (to whom my double-and-twisted), since 
 you will go there. He will put you through all right. 
 But I warn you that you will be nobody and won't be 
 able to hold up your head there at all. No one can 
 after an epidemic, unless he has lost half of his rela 
 tions and had the other half given up by the doctors 
 and prepared for burial. This reminds me that Brown's 
 scapegrace of a brother has turned up here with a hand 
 some Mexican wife and a million, and has deodorized 
 his reputation by giving large sums to the yellow-fever 
 sufferers, while I am thinking of colonizing all the 
 mothers-in-law of these United there before another 
 season opens, unless business improves. Fairfield has a 
 Benedicts' Club now, and I chose the motto for it, ' Hero 
 the women cease from troubling and the wicked are at 
 rest :' so when you want a little peace and comfort you 
 will know where to come. My wife will have nothing 
 less than her love sent you ; but I am all the samo your 
 friend, J. K "
 
 464 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Having seen a certificate that New Orleans was en- 
 tirely free from fe-ver, " signed by all the medical men 
 of eminence in the city," Sir Eobert was determined 
 not to be frightened out of his visit there altogether. 
 But it was only November, and he did not wish to run 
 any foolish risks, and the ladies were very nervous on 
 this score. He was still undecided what course to take, 
 when he one day picked up a paper and read an account 
 of the Indian Territory that interested him beyond 
 measure. In an hour he had got out his maps and 
 time-tables and arranged to " put in a week" at Table 
 quah, the Falls of St. Anthony, and the Mammoth Cave. 
 As none of the party cared for the first except himself, 
 he went there alone, and felt fully repaid for the effort. 
 Great was his joy at finding " a purely Indian legisla 
 tive body" and assisting at their deliberations, his lorg- 
 non glued now to one chief and now to another. And 
 then he talked to them, to get their " views," to sketch 
 them, to have a copy of their constitution and laws and 
 a newspaper in their own tongue and characters in 
 which an affinity to the Egyptian, Arabic, Chinese, or 
 any other might perhaps be traced ! And then how 
 full his letters to his friends in England were of his 
 " visit to a Choctaw gentleman's plantation, a most 
 deeply-interesting, well-educated man ;" " the first fruits 
 of the new civilization ;" " the opinion of a Seminole 
 person on the Indian policy of the American govern 
 ment;" "the beauty of a young Chickasaw female" 
 whom he had seen at one of the schools, and "the ex 
 traordinary progress made by some of the other scholars, 
 showing that there is absolutely no limit to the intellect 
 ual development of the once-despised savage ;" " the .
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 455 
 
 crystal clearness of the beautiful rivers, the lovely, for- 
 tile plains, framed by the Mozark Mountains, the balmy, 
 delightful climate, and the brutality and wicked greed 
 of an American of the lower class," who had told him 
 that " the country was a million times too good for red 
 skins, who ought all to be exterminated, as ' Indians was 
 p'ison wherever found.' " And then, while the glow of 
 this interest still flushed his mind, he took up the Mis 
 sissippi Eiver, which was a career in itself and beckoned 
 him on to fresh conquests. He went up to the Falls of 
 St. Anthony, which, after Niagara and the Yosemito, 
 was accounted " tame and overrated" by Mrs. Sykes, bu ' 
 over which he pondered deeply. Before he left there 
 the river had got a strong hold on his imagination that 
 grew ever greater and greater. He spent all his time 
 on the boat studying it. He talked to the pilot about 
 it, or rather made the pilot talk, and listened with all 
 his ears ; he took up the methods now practised for pre 
 venting the banks from caving in and forcing the Great 
 Father to lie in the bed he has made, instead of driving 
 honest folk out of theirs by scurvy turns and bends 
 that break up thousands of homes. He drew diagrams 
 of the pile-driving and wattling and willow mattrassea 
 in the diary, with the improvements he thought advis 
 able, and some very scientific suggestions by which the 
 river could be made to checkmate itself, like an automa 
 ton chess-player. He hung over the guards continually, 
 observing all that was to be observed, and recorded the 
 same under separate headings, such as " currents," " ve 
 locity," " flood-rises," with statistics without end show 
 ing that the carrying-trade of the great water highway 
 Would amount in 1950 to something so colossal that
 
 456 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 there is no room for it here, while a future for the cities 
 that stud its banks was predicted that would satisfy 
 their most ambitious citizens. 
 
 His heart was not in Louisville nor in the Mammoth 
 'Cave, though he went over the first religiously and ex 
 amined the latter carefully, collected specimens, and 
 even thrilled faintly over an eyeless fish, which aroused 
 considerable enthusiasm in Mr. Heathcote. He was not 
 really himself until he was again on the river, doing a 
 little dredging and sounding on his own account. At 
 Cairo he expanded almost as much as his subject, and 
 for a long while afterward was never weary of tracing 
 the blue and yellow currents that fuse so reluctantly 
 and imperfectly that out in the Gulf of Mexico, it is 
 said, one comes upon patches of the Missouri of the 
 most jaundiced, angry hue. 
 
 The sombre majesty of the stream was quite lost 
 upon Mrs. Sykes, who saw in it only " an ugly, wicked- 
 looking river, with a lot of dirty-white villages along 
 its mud banks." Her attention was given to the pas 
 sengers and the clerk, especially the latter. " A clerk 
 that talks to the ladies in the cabin about literature and 
 the dramar! Only fency!" she said to Miss Noel. 
 " And such comical blackies, that the ladies call ' aunty,' 
 and that call me 'honey' and 'child.' As like as not 
 you'll see a snag coming up through the bottom of the 
 boat presently, and you had better try one of the life- 
 preservers on and see how it works ; though, after all, 
 we may be blown up instead. Of course we are racing. 
 I am sure of it." 
 
 "Dear, dear! How very dreadful! How did you 
 discover that? It should really be made known. I
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 457 
 
 shall speak to the captain. I really can't consent to 
 being raced with," replied Miss Noel, who did not make 
 sufficient allowance for Mrs. Sykes's love of the sensa 
 tional. " Eobert must call a meeting and protest, or 
 something." 
 
 She went to look for Sir Eobert, whom she found 
 walking about on deck. He had been reading all the 
 afternoon, and his mind was full of La Salle, and Do 
 Soto, and poor Evangeline, so cruelly near to Gabriel 
 and happiness once, only to drift away from both for 
 ever. So large was his grasp of any subject that the 
 imaginative phases of a situation appealed to him as 
 powerfully as the practical, and he was not the man to 
 take the Mississippi without its associations, any more 
 than he would have done the Hudson or the Sierras 
 without Irving and Bret Harte. So now he was pacing 
 backward and forward under the stars, thinking of these 
 things, and in no mood for bearding the captain in his 
 cabin ; and, having calmed Miss Noel's fears, he stayed 
 on deck until very late, enjoying his cigar and sur 
 roundings. 
 
 When they got low enough down to come upon levees 
 and see that the river. was actually higher than the 
 land, the questions of inundation, protection, blue-clay 
 banks, dikes, sluices, crevasses, water-gates, sediment, 
 currents, swept in upon Sir Eobert, and he was still 
 working at them when they reached New Orleans. 
 Fresh interests and employments now awaited him, in 
 which he was soon absorbed, head over ears. Like 
 olives, New Orleans has a flavor of its own, so deeded 
 that it is impossible to be indifferent to it : one must 
 either be very fond of it or disliko it heartily. It was 
 v 39
 
 458 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 soon evident that Sir Kobert belonged to the first class 
 and Mrs. Sykes to the second. Its brilliant blue skies, 
 and sunshine, and warmth, the lovely flowers, the good 
 opera and better restaurants, the infectious gayety of 
 the people, as light about the heart as the heels, with 
 enough Gallic quicksilver in their veins to give them a 
 genius for being and looking happy, and, lastly, the 
 warmth of his reception, and a hospitality as refined as 
 limitless, delighted this most amiable of baronets. He 
 had brought good letters, and was admitted to that 
 inner Creole circle which few strangers see, and in 
 which he found among the elders, as he said to Miss 
 Noel, " the atmosphere of the Faubourg Saint-Germain, 
 a dignit} 7 " like that of the period to which the Ag- 
 lonbys belonged, with more grace and savoir-faire. And 
 such wonderfully pretty girls, my dear Augusta, with 
 eyes like sloes and skins like the petals of their own 
 magnolia-blossoms. And I observe a sort of patriarchal 
 tribal state of affairs among them, grandparents, chil 
 dren, grandchildren, all living together in great num 
 bers and perfect amity, apparently." Among the 
 Americans of the city Sir Eobert found much to interest 
 him, and he went to visit their " sugar-estates," took 
 down in black and white the astounding number of 
 oranges that one tree is capable of producing, held con 
 versations with many gentlemen about the emancipated 
 slaves, and with many emancipated slaves about their 
 late masters and present condition. And then was there 
 not cotton, the machinery employed on rice-, sugar-, and 
 cotton-plantations to " go into" ? to say nothing of the 
 swamp-flora, the possible introduction of olives into 
 Louisiana, and Voodooism to trace back to the Vaudois
 
 UN THIS SIDE. 459 
 
 sorcerers of the fourteenth century and connect with 
 the serpent-worship of some parts of Italy, where he 
 had himself seen the peasants make their yearly pro 
 cession with snakes wrapped about their necks, waists, 
 and wrists ? And was there not, too, serious business 
 to be done ? How could he secure and forward to Eng 
 land a few things that he must have, such as a gar alli 
 gator, a pair of mocking-birds, a Floridian flamingo, a 
 ruby humming-bird, " a Texan horned frog, with a dis 
 tinctly-developed tail, crustaceous, probably antedilu 
 vian, and credibly reported to live upon air," not to 
 mention other treasures, and collections previously 
 made, which must be shipped before he left ? All this 
 he finally accomplished, and was so pleased by his success 
 that not even a letter from his Raising " solicitor," say 
 ing that his suit against the " Eagle" had been brought 
 to trial and he had been awarded fifty cents damages, 
 could greatly cloud the content he felt. 
 
 Mrs. Sykes, meanwhile, was looking at everything 
 through her own bit of yellow glass or London fog, and 
 seeing only what her prepossessions would let her see 
 through a medium that distorted and magnified every 
 object. As the spittoons at the Capitol had seemed to 
 her far bigger and more striking than the dome, so now 
 the gutters of New Orleans made an immense impres 
 sion upon her and affected her most painfully, although 
 the Mississippi failed to impress her at all. The climate 
 she found odious, the people spoke neither pure French 
 nor good English, and many a fault besides she found, 
 chiefly with what she politely termed " the Creowls," 
 whom she was never tired of ridiculing as lazy, igno 
 rant, effeminate, and morbidly conceited. She was not
 
 460 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 an ideal companion when they made an expedition into 
 the lovely pastoral Teche country, the Acadia of exiled 
 Acadians and Eden of Louisiana, but her lack of enthu 
 siasm did not damp the ardor of Sir Robert. Miss Noel 
 thought it a beautiful country, but added that it looked 
 " sadly damp, and as if it might be malarious," and in 
 sisted on " dear Ethel's" taking ten grains of quinine 
 daily during their stay and wearing a potato in her 
 pocket, precautionary measures adopted by herself, 
 and known to have nipped jungle-fever in the bud re 
 peatedly in India, so she said. It seemed to Sir Robert's 
 heated fancy that even Ethel praised this ideal spot but 
 tepidly, and when she had started out of a revery three 
 times with an " I beg pardon" while he was reading 
 " Evangeline" to her under the shade of one of those 
 noble oaks " from whose branches garlands of Spanish 
 moss floated," fit monuments of the sorrowful maiden 
 of ever-green memory, he put down the book impa 
 tiently, saying, " It is only the old that are young now 
 adays ; I am boring you," a speech that made her blush 
 guiltily, since she did not care to explain where her 
 thoughts had wandered. He was not bored. The 
 bayous were a fascinating novelty to him, the trees and 
 fields and glades were eloquent to him, the simple French 
 peasants who belong to the seventeenth century and by 
 some miracle lead its idyllic life in the nineteenth in 
 terested him, and he could see Basil, Gabriel, and Father 
 Felicien at every step. 
 
 The next week found them on a steamer bound for 
 Havana and New York, followed by friendly faces and 
 good claret to the last, leaving three baskets of cham 
 pagne and about a ton of flowers out of account. For
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 461 
 
 an account of Havana, Matanzas, Spanish atrocities, 
 Cuban exports, coolie slavery, and the like topics, the 
 reader is respectfully referred to the book since pub 
 lished by Sir Eobert, " Eight Months in the United 
 States, Cuba, and Canada," a work pronounced in crit 
 ical quarters " the best book of travels in America ever 
 published in England" (high praise, surely), though it 
 attracted less general attention than a very spicy, en 
 tertaining volume by Mrs. Arundel Sykes, called "A 
 Britisher among the Yankees," (to quote from another 
 Knglish journal) said to contain " a not very flattering 
 picture of the life, society, and institutions of the Great 
 Republic, which must be a true one, since it is so uni 
 versally resented by the American press. People will 
 cry out when they are hit, as every one knows." 
 
 On arriving in New York our party went at once to 
 Mr. Brown's, that gentleman being established there 
 for the winter and having urged them to stay with him. 
 Their idea was to sail for home almost immediately, aa 
 soon as Sir Eobert had seen his friend General Bludyer, 
 with whom he had some business and who was bringing 
 out his two sons to establish them in America. But an 
 unexpected delay occurred. On the day after their 
 arrival, Mr. Heathcote ran up to his aunt's room to bid 
 her good-by before taking himself off to Baltimore, 
 he had made a full confession to Sir Robert, and received 
 much advice and counsel, together with a qualified ap 
 proval of his plans and hopes, and he found Miss Noel 
 still in bed, although it was mid-day and she not the 
 least punctual and energetic of her sex. In reply to his. 
 playful reproaches she replied that she was "fooling 
 very, very queer," and he cheerfully assured her that 
 
 39*
 
 4G2 0^ BOTH SIDES. 
 
 she " had best stop in bed a day or two and all would 
 be well," after whicb be told her that he was not going 
 back to England with the party, and, with a further 
 remark to the effect that she " was looking awfully 
 seedy," discovered that he was late for his train, was 
 again pleasantly sure that she would " be all right soon," 
 and hurried off to the station, well pleased to think that 
 he should see Edith in a few hours. It is not always 
 possible, however, for a woman to fulfil the optimistic 
 predictions of her careless male relatives, and in a few 
 hours Miss Noel was feeling really ill. " Who is your 
 doctor, my dear?" she asked of Bijou, who had herself 
 arranged and carried up a little tray of delicacies with 
 which to tempt her. " How very sweet of you to trouble ! 
 Why did you not let Parsons do that ? Do you know 
 I am making myself quite wretched lest I should be 
 sickening with something, something serious ? I must 
 have a doctor at once. Would you kindly send for one, 
 or, rather, tell Parsons where to go ? I can't rest until 
 I get the opinion of a medical man." 
 
 " Now, don't you worry about that" said Bijou, be 
 stowing an embrace upon her and then perching herself 
 on the foot of the bed. " You are not going to be ill ; 
 and if you are, why, you are with friends who will take 
 the best sort of care of you, that's all. I'll nurse you; 
 and popper says I am just a natural-born nurse, if there 
 ever was one. You can see the doctor 'if you want to, 
 but most likely you will be a great deal better to-mor 
 row." 
 
 " But, my dear, suppose I should be worse ? It would 
 be too dreadful ! I can't be ill in your house, you know," 
 paid Miss Noel disconsolately.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 463 
 
 " Why, why not?" queried Bijou, in surprise. 
 
 "Why not? Can you ask why? Think of all the 
 trouble I should be putting you to, the house upset, and 
 the servants giving warning very likely, and all that. 
 Oh, no ! I hope and trust it is nothing ; but if it should 
 be serious I could not dream of putting you out like 
 that," replied Miss Noel, with emphasis. 
 
 " Why, do you mean to say that anybody would care 
 for that, or think of the trouble, with a friend lying sick 
 in their house ? I never heard of such a thing," exclaimed 
 Bijou, expressing the liveliest emotions of astonishment 
 and contempt in face and voice. " Of course we don't 
 want you to get sick, for your own sake ; but if you do 
 we'll do everything in this world to make you comfort 
 able and cure you. And the house won't be upset 
 at all ; and we don't care a snap what the servants 
 think. You must put that perfectly ridiculous idea 
 nght out of your head, and turn over and try to go to 
 
 When the doctor came he looked grave even for a 
 doctor, and felt it his duty to tell Miss Noel that she 
 might have yellow fever. It was always to be had for 
 the catching in Cuba, and her symptoms were suspicious, 
 though he could not, of course, be positive. Herb was 
 a senna tion. It was curious to see the effect this decla 
 ration had on the different members of the household. 
 Sir Eobert, after turning pale and saying " God bless 
 my soul ! you don't mean it," to the doctor, rallied from 
 the shock as soon as he had left the house, and refused 
 to believe anything of the kind, talked about "the 
 art conjectural," and did all he could to impress this 
 view on Miss Noel, who promptly gave herself up
 
 464 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 as lost, told him that she had made her will " before 
 leaving town for the North" the year before, asked that 
 her body might be " taken back to dear old England," 
 if this could be done without risk to others, and begged 
 that she might be " sent straight away to the hospital" 
 and nc one allowed to come in contact with her mean 
 while. Bijou, Ethel, and Parsons stoutly refused to be 
 hustled out of her room, declaring that they had already 
 been exposed to the danger, if danger there was, and 
 protested that they were ready to nurse her through 
 anything. Mr. Brown, coming home to dinner, was 
 horrified as by some impiety to hear it proposed that 
 Miss Noel should go to a hospital. " Admitting, for the 
 sake of argument," said this ever-judicial host, " that 
 the doctor is right, what follows ? Why, that Miss Noel 
 will require great care, and, humanly speaking, will in 
 cur additional risk in leaving my house. I cannot dream 
 of allowing it. My married daughter has taken her 
 children to see their grandmother ; there are only Bijou 
 and myself to be considered, and neither of us has any 
 fear of the disease, or, indeed, any great belief in the 
 reality of the danger. I cannot think of letting a guest, 
 and that guest a stranger here, go to a public place of 
 the kind and commit herself to hired nurses. Oh, no I 
 That is out of the question." 
 
 " I never heard of such a thing, never. It would bt* 
 perfectly shameful!" protested Bijou afresh. And so 
 Sir Robert was overruled, and, much touched by this 
 view of the matter, tried to express thanks on behalf 
 of Miss Noel, bungled out a few short phrases, very 
 different from his usually fluent utterances, shook Mr. 
 Brown's hand heartily, sat down with a very red face,
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 465 
 
 and then started up and dismissed the carriage, which 
 pending this decision, had been waiting at the door. 
 
 It chanced that Mrs. Sykes had been out for some 
 hours that day, and had then come back and gone into 
 the library, where she spent some time in writing to 
 the friends who had entertained her in Central New 
 York. She had just finished putting up the morning 
 paper for them containing a full and carefully-marked 
 account of the defalcation and disappearance of a bunk- 
 president in Delaware in whom she recognized the 
 brother of her former hostess, when Ethel looked in at 
 the door and said, " Oh, you are here," and, coming for 
 ward, gave her the dreadful news. It was well that 
 this final mark of her gratitude and graceful interest 
 was complete down to the very postage-stamp, for after 
 this Mrs. Sykes had no time for delicate attentions. 
 
 "Stand off! good heavens! Don't come near me. 
 Get away !" she shrieked, and for once every particle 
 of color left her face. The next moment she rushed 
 up-stairs to her room, put on her bonnet and cloak in a 
 flash, and, without farewells of any kind, or thought of 
 so much as her darling Bobo, left the house immediately. 
 She went first, and that as fast as her feet could carry 
 her, to the nearest druggist's, where she invested lav 
 ishly in disinfectants and hung innumerable camphor- 
 bags about her person. From there she wont to the 
 nearest hotel, from which she wrote to the Browns, 
 giving instructions about her luggage, which she said 
 must be packed by Parsons and sent over to England, 
 to be unpacked at Liverpool, for fear of infection, by 
 "a person" whom she would engage. She then took 
 the first steamer leaving New York, and when she got
 
 466 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 on board gave vent to a perfectly sincere and devout 
 exclamation, " Thank heaven, I have done with Amer 
 ica !" From Liverpool she wrote back a lively account 
 of the passage, and expressed the deepest interest in 
 ' dear Miss Noel," about whom she had been " quite 
 wretched," but who she " hoped was doing nicely by 
 this time and would make a good recovery." She also 
 hoped, and even more earnestly, that " dearest Bobo was 
 not being neglected in the general hubbub, and given 
 his biscuits without their being properly soaked first, 
 and his chicken in great pieces, not carefully minced," 
 and begged that every care should be taken of him, 
 imploring that everybody would remember that " hot 
 milk invariably made the poor dear ill." She also sent 
 Bijou a small and particularly hideous pin-cushion, which 
 she said had been made for the Ashantee Bazaar by the 
 Grand Duchess of Aufstadt. 
 
 The defection of Mrs. Sykes was not greatly deplored 
 by anybody, but it was deeply resented by Parsons, 
 who it is to be feared was not as devoted to Bobo as 
 his mistress expected. 
 
 " I'm not one to run away, not if it was lions and 
 tigers, like some" she remarked ; " but if hever I get 
 back to the hold country I'll go down on my bended 
 knees, if it's in the very cab at Liverpool, and thank 
 'eaven I'm at 'ome again ; which I 'ope I may live to 
 dee it." 
 
 Happily, Miss Noel did not have yellow fever. Un 
 happily, she had a fever, if not the dreaded one, and 
 was ill for several weeks, so ill that it seemed at one 
 time as though she had done with travelling-days. 
 Anxious weeks these for Ethel and Sir Robert and Mr.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 467 
 
 Heathcote, trying ones for Bijou, who had at last found 
 "a rational occupation." For it was she who, with 
 Parsons's help, nursed Miss Noel faithfully, tenderly, 
 efficiently, Ethel being a most willing coadjutress, but 
 sadly out of place in a sick-room. The kill, the self- 
 reliance, and the unselfishness that Bijou showed sur 
 prised even those who knew her best, and quite endeared 
 her to Sir Robert. 
 
 " That girl is one in a thousand," he said to Ethel 
 more than once ; " and I was such a wiseacre that I 
 thought her a useless, spoiled creature who would never 
 be anything but a domestic fetich. I shall ask her par 
 don, when I get the chance, for having so shamefully 
 underrated and misjudged her. Could there be a kinder 
 family ? If Augusta had been a near and dear relative 
 they could scarcely have shown more solicitude. Every 
 luxury, every kindness that the most thoughtful affec 
 tion could have suggested has been lavished on her. 
 Everything has been subordinated to the one object, 
 her recovery, and all their ordinary pursuits, amuse 
 ments, occupations, cheerfully laid aside, apparently a* 
 a mere matter of course. At least, they disclaim the 
 idea of sacrifice ; and in all that they have done there 
 has been nothing perfunctory. If they have merely 
 been performing what they consider a duty, I must say 
 that they have had the grace and innate godd breeding 
 to make it appear that it was a pleasure. Just so." 
 
 Miss Noel had been down-stairs on the sofa for threw 
 days, having been officially pronounced convalescent, 
 when who should walk in upon her but the Ketchum*, 
 Mabel serene and smiling, and Job in a state of evi 
 dent satisfaction and radiant good humor.
 
 468 0-1V 0271 SIDES. 
 
 "Well, now, this is something like. Up and dressed, 
 and looking first-rate for an invalid," he called out from 
 the door, and then, advancing, took one of her thin 
 hands with much gentleness, and said, " Getting well, 
 ain't you? That's right. I am so glad. Creepir. 
 through mercy, eh? as Father Eoot used to say." 
 
 Mabel slipped into a seat near Miss Noel, and, after 
 some inquiries about Sir Robert, Ethel, and the Browns, 
 told her what concern they had felt about her illness. 
 "Husband telegraphed constantly to know how you 
 were going on ; but the replies were often most unsatis 
 factory ; and it is so very nice to see you up again. 
 You will soon be about, and the sea-voyage will set you 
 up wonderfully. That puts me in mind of Tell her, 
 husband ; show her." 
 
 Thus stimulated, Mr. Ketchum drew out an enor 
 mous pocket-book, stuffed full of papers, and attacked 
 it rather than looked through it, drew out a handful of 
 letters, bills, memorandums, tore up several, crushed 
 others back into his case, walked swiftly into the hall, 
 and came back triumphantly with his overcoat on his 
 arm and a sheet of foolscap in his hand. 
 
 " Dear, dear, husband, you should not mess about like 
 this," said Mabel, " littering up the carpet." 
 
 She would have picked up the bits of paper, but he 
 interfered. " Here ! I'll do that, Daisy ; sit down. 
 Daisy's occupation in the next world, Miss Noel, is 
 going to be sweeping all the dirty clouds out of the 
 sky, and polishing up the harps and crowns, and telling 
 the small angels not to leave the ivory gates ajar, for 
 fear of draughts, and to be sure and put their buckets 
 and spades away tidily when they have done digging
 
 ON THIS -SIDE. 469 
 
 in the golden sands, and not to get overheated and fall 
 ill, because they can't die and have got nowhere to go. 
 Now, look at this" (getting up from his knees and hold 
 ing up the foolscap, which was covered with drawings 
 of some mechanical contrivance) : " I got thinking about 
 you one day and your illness, and that you ought to stay 
 on deck all you could, and to have the right kind of 
 chair, and suddenly this idea hit me right on the head, 
 and I got out my pencil and started in on it. And here 
 it is. This is only the rough draught, you understand." 
 
 With growing enthusiasm he explained all the details, 
 while Mabel looked intently and respectfully at the 
 paper he held, and interjected admiring comments: 
 " Isn't it a most wonderful thing T and wasn't it clever 
 of husband to think of it? but, then, he is always 
 thinking of things. Husband has got such a surprising 
 talent for invention, and grasps an idea af once." 
 
 " Oh, no, I haven't. I think I could have found out 
 the way to my mouth as soon as any other baby, that's 
 all," deprecated Mr. Ketchum. " But this is a lucky hit. 
 I am going to have it patented. It's a first-rate thing. 
 This is the way you lash it to the mast when you want 
 to ; and when you want to move about you let down the 
 rollers and fasten them with this hook, and go where you 
 please. Twenty-seven changes of position. Why, you 
 can read, eat, sleep, ride, get married, run for Congress, 
 die, and be buried in that chair, if you want to I" he 
 said, by way of final recommendation. 
 
 " Thank you, but I don't wish to die. I would rather 
 Uve," said Miss Noel, laughing cheerfully for the first 
 time sini.'e her illness. " And did you really design it 
 for me? How very kind! I must really. try to get it 
 
 40
 
 470 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 worked out, if you think it will answer, as of course 
 you do." 
 
 " Oh, don't you bother your head about that," he re 
 plied. " I worked it all out one night, and set a smart 
 carpenter at it the next morning before breakfast. And 
 it's a perfect success. And I've got it down at the hotel, 
 ready for you. I'm coming up here to put you in it and 
 take you down to the steamer myself like a first baby 
 or a setting of ostrich-eggs." 
 
 Sir Robert and Mr. Heathcote now came in (the latter 
 having returned from Baltimore an affianced man), and 
 Ethel and Bijou followed, and everybody was delighted 
 to see everybody else ; and they had so much to talk 
 about that Sir Robert almost forgot that he was on- 
 gaged to preside over a children's dinner-party at th^ 
 house of an intimate friend of the De Witts. He hur 
 ried off, though ; and never had he " looked into" ten 
 more charming little faces than brightened on his ar 
 rival. The way in which he radiated good humor, in 
 telligence, benevolence, told stories and jokes that kept 
 the little company shouting with laughter, and finally 
 rose and got off an impromptu piece of doggerel with 
 exactly ten verses, and each child's name and some 
 peculiarity brought out in a way to convulse even 
 mammas and the maids, was as indescribable as delight 
 ful. I am not sure that he did not enjoy it more than 
 any of the grand entertainments that he had been asked 
 to ; and as for the children, they remember it to this 
 day, although they are on the verge of young-ladyhood 
 and at college now and have very serious demands made 
 on their memories. 
 
 After a pleasant little interval of reunion and various
 
 ON THIS HIDE. 471 
 
 diversions, the day came at last for our English people 
 to leave the country. What they felt about this neces 
 sity' was well expressed for them by Sir Robert in the 
 last letter that he wrote before going on the steamer. 
 
 " I am glad to turn my face toward the old land, which 
 must always seem to me the best of all lands," he said ; 
 " but I take with me the pleasantest memories of the 
 new. It has been a constant surprise and pleasure to 
 me to find how like they are to each other in all essen 
 tials, greatly as they often seem to differ on the surface. 
 I have had a most interesting and delightful tour. 
 Such opportunities of observation as have come in my 
 way, and such authentic information as I have been 
 able to lay hold of, I have tried to make the most of; 
 but in so short a time I could not do more than glean 
 in a field that offers a rich harvest to more fortunate 
 travellers. From the moment of landing until now I 
 have been made the recipient of a hospitality too gen 
 erous and too flattering to be appropriated to myself 
 in my individual capacity. I must either set it down 
 to the good-will which Americans feel toward England 
 when not irritated and repelled by the insolent and 
 overbearing among us, who have done more to mako 
 a breach between the two peoples than you would fancy, 
 and inflicted wounds that all the ambassadors and pub 
 lic-dinner fine speeches cannot heal, or to that true 
 politeness which Americans observe in the most casual 
 relations, and the immense, apparently inexhaustible 
 kindness which it is their habit to show to strangers. 
 I find in them a certain spontaneity and affectionatoness 
 that has quite won my heart." 
 
 To the credit of Mr. Ketchum be it said that if Miss
 
 472 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 Noel had been made of cobwebs she could have been 
 safely transported in his invention to the steamer. 
 This feat was comfortably achieved, at all events, and 
 Mr. Ketchum, having superintended it, left Miss Noel 
 in the chair on deck; and there were kisses and em 
 braces between the ladies, a hurried rush to the wharf, 
 and the steamer moved out, with Miss Noel crying softly, 
 and saying, "Dear, dear Bijou! Dear America! How 
 good they have been to me !" and Ethel and Sir Kobert 
 hanging over the side; and ashore the Browns, the 
 doctor, Mr. Heathcote, the De Witts, and Mr. Ketchum 
 and Mabel looking earnestly at them and waving their 
 adieux. 
 
 "You'll find a couple of barrels of pecans at your 
 place. I forgot to tell you. Good-by ! good-by ! Call 
 again !" shouted Mr. Ketchum. And then, turning to 
 his wife, he said, " Don't you wish you were going home, 
 too ?" 
 
 Mabel stopped to straighten little Jared Ponsonby's 
 hat and settle his curls, somewhat disordered by the 
 wind from the river. Then she turned a face full of 
 sweet content toward her husband; her simple and 
 serious look met his twinkling, bantering one for a 
 moment. " No, dearest," she said, as she took his arm 
 and walked away. " You know that I don't. You are 
 rny home." 
 
 The Ketchums went back to Fairfield, and spent the 
 two years that followed very happily and quite unevent 
 fully in that simple round of duties and pleasures which 
 the foolish find so dull and the wise would not exchange 
 for any other. And not the least agreeable feature of
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 473 
 
 this life was what was known as " the English letters," 
 although this really included books, music, photographs, 
 sketches, and a great variety of things, from the J. 
 pens that came for Mrs. Vane and the larding-needles 
 that housewifely Mabel had coveted that she might 
 " set a proper fowl before husband," up to packages of 
 a disgraceful size and bulk addressed to Mr. Ketchum 
 in Sir Eobert's hand. Sir Eobert was a regular and 
 delightful correspondent; Miss Noel and Ethel were 
 equally kind about writing; Mrs. Sykes sent a very 
 characteristic epistle or two to the family after her 
 return, and then let " silence like a poultice" come to 
 heal the blows she had inflicted. 
 
 " What do you hear from that idiotic young Ram 
 say ?" " How is Ramsay opening the American oyster ?" 
 " What of poor Mr. Ramsay ?" " Is Mr. Ramsay com 
 ing back to England ?" were questions often asked by 
 these correspondents; and Mr. Ketchum was able to 
 give some account of that fascinating fortune-seeker. 
 
 Mr. Ramsay wrote to him occasionally, which was 
 the more flattering because he repeatedly said in these 
 productions that he " hated doing a letter most tremen 
 dously," and very truly remarked that " the worst of it 
 is that you've got to be thinking what to say, which it 
 an awful bore, and ten to one the pen is bad, and spell 
 ing takes a lot out of you if you ar not used to looking 
 up the words." Whether, " not being a literary chap," 
 he would have written to Mr. Ketchum at all had not 
 the Ketchum and Brown properties marched and the 
 two families been good friends is one of those nice que&- 
 tions which it is hard to decide. His letters were 
 beaded " Out in the Bush" at first, and wore full of tho 
 
 40*
 
 474 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 adventures and amusements that his novel surroundings 
 afforded him. Then came more sober epistles from 
 " The Banch," with a good deal in them about " these 
 dirty brutes of Mexicans and ignorant cowboys," the 
 long, dull days, the doubts that had begun to agitate 
 him as to the possibility of getting out of " old Brown's 
 farm" the millions that had seemed almost within his 
 grasp in London. Finally, after a long silence, Job 
 got a letter one day, written in pencil, that betrayed 
 the deepest depression and most utter disgust. He had 
 " come an awful cropper from a mustang," and been 
 laid up for three months; his money was all gone; he 
 could get nothing to do. " I tried to get a clerkship in 
 a ' country store' before I got my fall," he explained, 
 " though if I have got to that I had better go back to 
 England, where those fellows get a half-holiday on 
 Saturdays and lots of bank holidays, and are in civil 
 ization at least. Perhaps if the governor saw me with 
 a quill behind my ear, or riding down to the city on the 
 knifeboard of a 'bus smoking a pipe, he'd do something 
 for me for the honor of the family. But he's in a beastly 
 humor now, and wouldn't send me a fiver to save my 
 life. He says that I'm not worth my salt anywhere, 
 and that he washes his hands of me. And Bill has 
 taken to patronizing me so tremendously that I'd starve 
 rather than ask his help. So I must just stick it out 
 here, I suppose, unless you meant what you said when 
 we parted, and will help me to get back home, where I 
 have friends, a brother-in-law especially, an awfully 
 good sort of fellow, that would stick to a fellow through 
 thick and thin, no matter what other fellows said of 
 him. There's a lot of 'fellows' in this last sentence.
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 475 
 
 but I never was a clever fellow I had better stop. 
 I am getting worse mixed up than ever." 
 
 Mr. Ketchum's reply to this was a short, cordial, 
 hearty note, enclosing a check for five hundred dollars, 
 telling Mr. Eamsay to draw upon him for more if he 
 needed it, bidding him keep "a stiff upper lip," and 
 advising him to stop at Fairfield en route to England 
 and see if there wasn't some better way out of his d iffi 
 culties. About two weeks after this Mr. Eamsay walked 
 into Mr. Ketchum's office and almost wrung his hand 
 off. " Awfully kind of you," " awfully glad to see you," 
 " awfully good news to tell you," was poured out as in 
 one breath by the bronzed, thin, but still beautiful 
 Englishman, whose illness had given a last and quite 
 irresistible charm of spirituality to his handsome face. 
 
 " Sit down, man, and tell us all about it," said Mr. 
 Ketchum, when he had given him an embrace half real, 
 half theatrical. " Delighted to see you, if it comes to 
 that." 
 
 " Here's that check you sent me," said Mr. Eamsay, 
 going straight to his point, as usual. "I never got 
 it cashed, because I got by the very same post good 
 news from England. My great-aunt Maxwell is dead 
 at Bath and has left me all her money, twenty thousand 
 pounds. Isn't it the luckiest fluke that ever was ? But 
 all the same it is a kindness that I shan't forget. You 
 are an awfully good sort to have done it. Most fellows 
 would have seen me in Halifax first, you know. And 
 if ever you want a friend you'll know where to find 
 him, that's all. Only fancy all this money fallin' in 
 when I hadn't a penny and was in perfect despair I 
 Such luck I And such a fluke, as I have said. You see,
 
 476 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 it was all to have been Bill's. He has always been my- 
 aunt's favorite, though at first it was to have been 
 divided between us; only when I was a little chap I 
 blew off the tail of her parrot with a bunch of fire 
 crackers. Haw ! haw ! haw ! I was never allowed there 
 afterward, and she hated the very name of me. She 
 and Bill have hit it off together so well that he never 
 had the least fear of me steppin' in. But on last Val 
 entine's Day it seems that she got an awfully cocky, 
 cheeky valentine of an old maid puttin' on a wig and 
 paintin' her face, and it had the Stoke-Pogis post-mark, 
 and she took it into her head that Bill had sent it, flew 
 into a most awful rage, and sent for her solicitor and 
 changed her will. And then, most fortunate thing, she 
 died that night, and couldn't make another." 
 
 "Well, you are a doting nephew, upon my word," 
 said Job. 
 
 " It is no use of me bein' a hypocrite and goin' about 
 lookin' cut up and pretendin' that I am sorry when I 
 am not," replied Mr. Ramsay. " I haven't seen her for 
 years, and she was nasty to me even when I was a 
 child, and she was a regular old cat, and no good to 
 herself or anybody else. I don't see why I should pull 
 a long face and turn crocodile because she made me her 
 heir to spite Bill, though it comes in most beautifully for 
 me. I don't mean to keep it all, though I could swell 
 it considerably if I did. It would be a dirty thing to 
 do, for Bill has been brought up to expect it and didn't 
 send the valentine at all. I shall go halves with him ; 
 that seems fair all round." Mr. Ketchum agreed with 
 him, and Mr. Ramsay went on to make further confi 
 dences, in which it appeared that he still cared for Miss
 
 ON THIS SIDE. 477 
 
 Brown, and had " thought an awful lot about her," and 
 now rejpiced to find himself in a position to address her 
 if she was still free. Tom Price, coming in, could 
 scarcely announce that the buggy was at the door for 
 goggling at Mr. Eamsay. The two men drove rapidly 
 out to Fairfield, talking all the way, and Mr. Ramsay 
 stared very hard at the Brown mansion and grounds, 
 and got a pretty welcome from Mabel that warmed his 
 heart not a little. What he- said to Bijou in an in 
 terview that evening of four hours is no business of 
 ours. / 
 
 It began after quite formal greetings with, " Do you 
 know that you are lookin' most awfully well, Miss 
 Brown ?" on his part. 
 
 " You didn't dream that I cared for you, did you ?" 
 *aid Bijou toward its close, anxious to reassure herself 
 upon a point that had made the last two years a bitter 
 ness to her. 
 
 " Oh, yes, I did. I twigged that long ago," replied 
 he. " That is why I cut my stick so suddenly. I couldn't 
 support a wife then, and I wasn't goin' to be thought a 
 fortune-hunter, you know." It must have been that he 
 was forgiven the sentimental blunder that is worse than 
 a crime, a want of frankness, or how else could they 
 have been married in six weeks and sailed for England ? 
 Mr. Alfred Brown, being in California, did not witness 
 this ceremony, but Mr. Ketchum did, and " a largo and 
 fashionable company of the elite of Kalsing" (vide tho 
 local paper). And did not Mr. Ketchum give the groom 
 a pair of trotting-horses that afterward attracted much 
 attention in Hyde Park? and did not Mr. Brown 
 present the bride with a considerable fortune on her
 
 478 ON BOTH SIDES. 
 
 wedding-day, which her husband insisted should be set 
 apart for her exclusive use and control ? 
 
 " Haven't you got any other name than Bijou ?" he 
 said to her. " That is excuse me sayin' so a most ab 
 surd name. Bijou Ramsay. What will my people say ?" 
 
 " I was baptized Ellen," said she, " but I have never 
 been called that." 
 
 " Ellen ? A nice, sensible name. I shall call you 
 that," he replied, and kept his word. 
 
 And so the immigrant, who thought he had left Eng 
 land forever, went home in a little while and is living 
 there now in inglorious ease and somewhat enervating 
 luxury, while Mr. Heathcote, who thought that he was 
 coming out for a short visit and couldn't possibly live 
 cut of England, is already more than half an American, 
 a successful, practical farmer, and, it may be added, a 
 happy man. " Heart's Content" has been renaissanced, 
 papered, tiled, portiered, utterly transformed, and is 
 thought quite a show-place now and much admired ; 
 but there are some persons who liked it better when it 
 was only an old-fashioned Yirginian home, before their 
 mahogany majesties the old furniture, and those courtly 
 commoners Anne Buller and her brothers, had been 
 swept away with all the other cumbering antiquities. 
 
 Sir Robert is now looking into the military, monastic, 
 and baronial architecture of the mediaeval period on 
 the Continent, and goes next year to Japan to begin 
 the exhaustive researches which are to culminate in 
 his next book, the " Lives of the Mikados." 
 
 THE END. 

 
 

 
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