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 THE 
 
 BRITISH ESSAYISTS; 
 
 WITH 
 
 PREFACES, 
 
 HISTORICAL AND BIOGRAPHICAL, 
 
 BY 
 
 A. CHALMERS, F.S.A. 
 
 VOL. V. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED FOR NICHOLS AND SON ; P. C. AND J. RIVINCTON } C. AND 
 W. NICOF. ; CLARKE AND SONS J A. STRAHAN J C. WII.KIF. ; 
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 AND CO. ; OMVER AND BOYD J AND .1. FAIRBAIRN, EDINBURGH. 
 
 1817. 
 
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 T'linted by 'Nachois, Son, and Kenttfy, 
 lied Lion Passage, Fleet Street, London.
 
 PR 
 
 136. 
 
 v.5- 
 
 T A T L E R. 
 
 N 210 271.

 
 CONTENTS, 
 
 VOL. v. 
 
 No. T7 - 
 
 210. V ISIT to a Censorious Lady of Quality 
 
 Letter from an old Maid Continental 
 Intelligence STEBLE 
 
 21 1. Uses of Sunday On Devotion 
 
 212. On Simplicity of Ornament Letters on an 
 
 Ass in the Lion's Skin From a Vir- 
 gin, &c 
 
 313. On Dissimulation and Simulation Tom 
 
 Trueman, a Hero in Domestic Life 
 
 214. On the Rigid and the Supple Account of 
 
 a Political Barometer 
 
 215. Account of a Flatterer. And a common 
 
 Jester Case of a Widow Petition of 
 
 the Linen Drapers 
 
 216. Taste of the Virtuosi Legacy of a Virtuoso 
 
 Death of Mr. Partridge ADDISOW 
 
 21?. On Scolds The Author's Notice that he 
 
 means to he much wittier STEELE 
 
 218. On the Names given by Gardeners to 
 
 Flowers A Visit to a Garden ADDISON 
 
 21Q. Impertinence of professed Wits Character 
 of Tom Mercer Letters and Peti- 
 tions STEELE 
 
 VOL. V. A3
 
 VI CONTENTS. 
 
 No. 
 
 220. Account of the Church thermometer ADDISON 
 
 221. Letter from the Virtuoso's Widow From 
 
 a Scold Cure for Scolding 
 
 222. Riots at Nottingham Midnight Frolics 
 
 Serenades improper for this Country. . . STEELE 
 
 223. Evils of Jointures and Settlements Orders 
 
 concerning them 
 
 224. On Advertisements Quackeries Washes, 
 
 &c ADDISON 
 
 225. On improper Familiarities STEELE 
 
 226. Life of Margery, alias John Young, com- 
 
 monly called Dr. Young STEELE 
 
 227. Case of an envious Man 
 
 228. Letters from High Church On Almanack 
 
 Weather From a Writer of Adver- 
 tisements 
 
 22Q. Remarks on the Author's Enemies Fable 
 
 of the Owls, Bats, and the Sun ADDISON 
 
 230. Improprieties of Phrase Affectation of Po- 
 
 liteness Vulgarisms SWIFT 
 
 231. The Taming of the Shrew Present of 
 
 Wine STEELE 
 
 232. Letter from the Upholsterer Rage for Po- 
 
 litics - . 
 
 233. History of Joseph and his Brethren 
 
 234. Letters on Education : GREENWOOD De- 
 
 votion STEELE 
 
 235. On Parental Partiality .' . . . 
 
 236. Account of the Migration of frogs into 
 
 Ireland . 
 
 237. Effects of the touch of Ithuriel's Spear, a 
 
 Dream , (probably) ADDISON
 
 CONTENTS. vii 
 
 No. 
 
 238. Description of a City-shower : SWIFT 
 
 Prose part of the Paper STEKLE 
 
 239. Remarks on the Author's Enemies The 
 
 Examiner ADDISON 
 
 240. On the Science of Physic Quacks of the 
 
 Time . . . , _____ 
 
 241. On Drinking Improper Behaviour at 
 
 Church On By-words Fee at St. 
 Paul's STEELE 
 
 242. On Raillery and Satire Horace and Ju- 
 
 venal 
 
 243. Adventures of the Author when Invisible.. ADDISOKT 
 
 244. On Eloquence. Talents for Conversation 
 
 Pedantry STEELE 
 
 245. Advertisement of Lady Fardingale's stolen 
 
 Goods Letter from a Black Boy 
 
 246. On a Censorious Disposition Letters to 
 
 Defaulters Characters of Plumbeus 
 
 and Levis 
 
 247- Letter from Almeira, an Edinburgh young 
 Lady And Answer by Mrs. Jenny 
 Distaff 
 
 248. On the Improvement of Beauty by Exercise 
 Lazy Ladies Very busy ones 
 
 24p. Adventures of a Shilling ADD i SON 
 
 250. Institution of a Court of Honour 
 
 251. On Virtuous Independence Where true 
 
 Happiness is to be found STEELE 
 
 252. Defence of Sober Drinking Letter from 
 
 Ralph and Bridget Yokefellow STEELE 
 
 253. Journal of the Court of Ho- 
 
 nour.... , . ADDISON and STHKLK
 
 Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 No. 
 
 254. Sir John Mandeville's account 
 
 of the Freezing and Thaw- 
 ing of several Speeches . . . .ADDISON and STBELE 
 
 255. Letter from a Chaplain Thoughts on the 
 
 Treatment of Chaplains ADDISON 
 
 256. Proceedings of the Court of 
 
 Honour ADDISON and STEELE 
 
 257- Wax-work Representation of 
 the Religions of Great 
 Britain 
 
 258. Letter on the Use of the Phrase North 
 Briton: SWIFT, PRIOR, ROWE On 
 " a Person of Quality'' -A Lady in- 
 vested by several Lovers From a Chap- 
 lain Taliacotius Bachelors STEELE 
 
 25Q. Journal of the Court of Ho- 
 nour ADDISON and STEELE 
 
 260. Essay on Noses -Skill of Ta- 
 
 liacotius ' 
 
 261. Plan for the Encouragement of Wedlock 
 
 Instance of Public Spirit Celami- 
 
 co's Will STEELE 
 
 262. Journal of the Court of Ho- 
 
 nour ADDISON and STEELE 
 
 263. On the different Hours kept in Modern 
 
 Times College Hours Early Hours STEELE 
 364. On tedious Talkers and Story-tellers ___ . 
 
 265. Journal of the Court of Ho- 
 
 nour ADDISON and STEELE 
 
 266. Fantastic Passion of two old Ladies Sam 
 
 Trusty's Visit to them STEELE
 
 CONTENTS. IX 
 
 No. 
 
 267. On appointed Seasons for Devotion Lord 
 
 Bacon's Prayer ADDISON 
 
 268. Petition on Coffee-house Orators and News- 
 
 readers, with the Author's Remarks.. STEELE 
 
 269. Letters on Love and Friendship Plagius 
 
 preaching Tillotson's Sermons 
 
 270. Letter on the Dress of Tradesmen Pe- 
 
 tition of Ralph Nab, the Hatter Of 
 Elizabeth Slender, Spinster Letter to 
 Mr. Ralph Incense, Chaplain . 
 
 271. Conclusion, Design of the Work, and 
 
 Acknowledgment of Assistance
 
 THE 
 
 TATLER. 
 
 N210. SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 1710. 
 
 Sheer-lane, August 10. 
 
 1 DID myself the honour this day to make a visit to 
 a lady of quality, who is one of those that are ever 
 railing at the vices of the age ; but mean only one 
 vice, because it is the only vice they are not guilty 
 of. She went so far as to fall foul on a young wo- 
 man who has had imputations ; but whether they 
 were just or not, no one knows but herself. How- 
 ever that is, she is in her present behaviour modest, 
 humble, pious, and discreet. I thought it became 
 me to bring this censorious lady to reason, and let 
 her see she was a much more vicious woman than the 
 person she spoke of. 
 
 " Madam," said I, " you are very severe to this 
 poor young woman, for a trespass which I believe 
 Heaven has forgiven her, and for which, you see, 
 she is for ever out of countenance." " Nay, Mr. 
 Bickerstaff," she interrupted, " if you at this time 
 of day contradict people of virtue, and stand up for 
 
 ill women" " No, no, Madam," said I, " not 
 
 o fast ; she is reclaimed, and I fear you never will 
 
 VOL. v. B
 
 $ TATLER. X 210. 
 
 be. Nay, nay, Madam, do not be in a passion ; 
 but let me tell you what you are. You are indeed 
 as good as your neighbours ; but that is being very 
 bad. You are a woman at the head of a family, 
 and lead a perfect town-lady's life. You go on 
 your own way, and consult nothing but your glass. 
 What imperfections indeed you see there, you im- 
 mediately mend as fast as you can. You may do the 
 same by the faults I tell you of; for they are much 
 more in your power to correct. 
 
 " You are to know then, that your visiting ladies, 
 that carry your virtue from house to house with so 
 much prattle in each other's applause, and triumph 
 over other people's faults, I grant you, have but the 
 speculation of vice in your own conversations ; but 
 promote the practice of it in all others you "have to 
 do with. 
 
 " As for you, madam, your time passes away in 
 dressing, eating, sleeping, and praying. When 
 you rise in a morning, I grant you an hour spent 
 very well ; but you come out to dress in so froward 
 an humour, that the poor girl, who attends you, 
 curses her very being in that she is your servant, 
 for the peevish things you say to her. When this 
 poor creature is put into a way, that good or evil 
 are regarded but as they relieve her from the hours 
 she has and must pass with you ; the next you have 
 to do with is your coachman and footmen. They 
 convey your ladyship to church. While you are 
 praying there, they are cursing, swearing, and 
 'drinking in an ale-house. During the ujne also 
 which your ladyship sets apart for Heaven, you are 
 to know, that your cook is sweating and fretting in 
 preparation for your dinner. Soon after your meal 
 you make visits, and the whole world that belongs 
 to you speaks all the ill of you which you are 
 repeating of others. You see, Madam, whatever
 
 NO 1 10. TATLEH. 
 
 way you go, all about you are in a very broad one. 
 The morality of these people it is your proper busi- 
 ness to inquire into ; and until you reform them you 
 had best let your equals alone ; otherwise, if I allow 
 you are not vitious, you must allow me you are not 
 virtuous." 
 
 I took my leave, and received at my coming home 
 the following letter : 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I have lived a pure and undefiled virgin these 
 twenty-seven years ; and I assure you, it is with great 
 grief and sorrow of heart I tell you, that I become 
 weary and impatient of the derision of the gigglers 
 of our sex ; who call me old maid, and tell me, I 
 shall lead apes. If you are truly a patron of the dis- 
 tressed, and an adept in astrology, you will advise 
 whether I shall, or ought to be prevailed upon by 
 the impertinences of my own sex, to give way to the 
 importunities of yours. I assure you, I am sur- 
 rounded with both, though at present a forlorn. 
 
 I am, &c." 
 
 I must defer my answer to this lady out of a point 
 of chronology. She says, she has been twenty-seven 
 years a maid ; but I fear, according to a common 
 error, she dates her virginity from her birth, which 
 is a very erroneous method ; for a woman of twenty 
 is no more to be thought chaste so many years 
 than a man of that age can be said to have been so 
 long valiant. We must not allow people the favour 
 of a virtue, until they have been under the tempta- 
 tion to the contrary. A woman is not a maid until 
 her birth-day, as we call it, of her fifteenth year. 
 My plaintiff is therefore desired to inform me, whe- 
 ther she is at present in her twenty-eighth or forty- 
 third year, and she shall be dispatched accordingly.
 
 TATLER. NO <21O. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, August 11. 
 
 A merchant came hither this morning, and read a 
 letter from a correspondent of his at Milan. It was 
 dated the 7th instant, N. S. The following is an 
 abstract of it. On the 25th of the last month, five 
 thousand men were on their march in the Lam- 
 pourdan, under the command of general Wesell, 
 having received orders from his Catholic majesty to 
 join him in his camp with all possible expedition. 
 The duke of Anjou soon had intelligence of their 
 motion, and took a resolution to decamp in order 
 to intercept them, within a day's march of our 
 army. The king of Spain was apprehensive the 
 enemy might make such a movement, and com- 
 manded general Stanhope with a body of horse, 
 consisting of fourteen squadrons, to observe their 
 course and prevent their passage over the rivers 
 Segra and Noguera, between Lerida and Balaguer. 
 It happened to be the first day that officer had ap- 
 peared abroad after a dangerous and violent fever ; 
 but he received the king's commands on this oc- 
 casion with a joy which surmounted his present 
 weakness, and on the 27th of last month came 
 up with the enemy on the plains of Balaguer. The 
 duke of Anjou's rear-guard consisting of twenty- 
 six squadrons, that general sent intelligence of their 
 posture to the king, and desired his majesty's or- 
 ders to attack them. During the time which he 
 waited for his instructions, he made his disposition 
 for the charge, which was to divide themselves into 
 three bodies ; one to be commanded by himself in 
 the centre, a body on the right by count Maurice of 
 Nassau, and the third on the left by the earl of 
 Rochford. Upon the receipt of his majesty's di- 
 rection to attack the enemy, the general himself 
 charged with the utmost vigour and resolution,
 
 !?o 210. TATLER. 5 
 
 while the earl of Rochford and count Maurice ex- 
 tended themselves on his right and left, to prevent 
 the advantage the enemy might make of the supe- 
 riority of their numbers. What appears to have 
 misled the enemy's general in this affair was, that it 
 was not supposed practicable that the confederates 
 would attack him till they had received a reinforce- 
 ment. For this reason he pursued his march with- 
 out facing about, till we were actually coming on to 
 engagement. General Stanhope's disposition made 
 it impracticable to do it at that time ; count Mau- 
 rice and the earl of Rochford attacking them in the 
 instant in which they were forming themselves. 
 The charge was made with the greatest gallantry, 
 and the enemy very soon put into so great disorder, 
 that their whole cavalry were commanded to sup- 
 port their rear-guard. Upon the. advance of this 
 reinforcement, all the horse of the king of Spain 
 were come up to sustain general Stanhope, inso- 
 much that the battle improved to a general en- 
 gagement of the cavalry of both armies. After a 
 warm dispute for some time, it ended in the utter 
 defeat of all the duke of Anjou's horse. Upon the 
 dispatch of these advices, that prince was retiring 
 towards Lerida. We have no account of any con- 
 siderable loss on our side, except that both those 
 heroic youths, the earl of Rochford and count 
 Nassau, fell in this action. They were, you know, 
 both sons of persons who had a great place in the 
 confidence of your late king William ; and I doubt 
 not but their deaths will endear their families, 
 which were ennobled by him, in your nation. Ge- 
 neral Stanhope has been reported by the enemy 
 dead of his wounds ; but he received only a slight 
 contusion on the shoulder. 
 
 P. S. We acknowledge you here a mighty brave 
 people ; but you are said to love quarrelling so well, 
 
 B2
 
 6 TATLER. NO 211. 
 
 that you cannot be quiet at home. The favourers 
 of the house of Bourbon among us affirm, that this 
 Stanhope, who could as it were get out of his sick- 
 bed to fight against their king of Spain, must be of 
 the antimonarehical party. 
 
 N211- TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 1710. 
 
 ftequeo monstrare, et sentio tantum. 
 
 Jov. Sat. vii. 56. 
 
 What I can fancy, but can ne'er express. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 Sunday, August 13. 
 
 IF there were no other consequences of it, but 
 barely that human creatures on this day assemble 
 themselves before their Creator, without regard to 
 their usual employments, their minds at leisure 
 from the cares of their life, and their bodies adorned 
 with the best attire they can bestow on them ; I 
 say, were this mere outward celebration of a Sab- 
 bath all that is expected from men, even that were 
 a laudable distinction, and a purpose worthy the 
 human nature. But when there is added to it the 
 sublime pleasure of devotion, our being is exalted 
 above itself; and he, who spends a seventh day in 
 the contemplation of the next life, will not easily 
 fall into the corruptions of this in the other six. 
 They, who never admit thoughts of this kind into 
 their imaginations, lose higher and sweeter satis-
 
 NO 2 11. TATJLER. 7 
 
 factions than can be raised by any other entertain- 
 ment. The most illiterate man who is touched 
 with devotion, and uses frequent exercises of it, 
 contracts a certain greatness of mind, mingled with 
 a noble simplicity, that raises him above those of 
 the same condition ; and there is an indelible mark 
 of goodness in those who sincerely possess it. It is 
 hardly possible it should be otherwise ; for the fer- 
 vours of a pious mind will naturally contract such an 
 earnestness and attention towards a better being, as 
 will make the ordinary passages of life go off with a 
 becoming indifference. By this a man in the lowest 
 condition will not appear mean, or in the most 
 splendid fortune insolent. 
 
 As to all the intricacies and vicissitudes, under 
 which men are ordinarily entangled with the ut- 
 most sorrow and passion, one who is devoted to 
 Heaven, when he falls into such difficulties, is led 
 by a clue through a labyrinth. As to this world, 
 he does not pretend to skill in the mazes of it ; but 
 fixes his thoughts upon one certainty, that he shall 
 soon be out of it. And we may ask very boldly, 
 what can be a more sure consolation than to have 
 an hope in death ? When men are arrived at think- 
 ing of their very dissolution with pleasure, how few 
 things are there that can be terrible to them ! Cer- 
 tainly, nothing can be dreadful to such spirits, but 
 what would make death terrible to them, falsehood 
 towards man, or impiety towards Heaven. To 
 such as these, as there are certainly many such, 
 the gratifications of innocent pleasures are doubled, 
 even with reflections upon their imperfection. The 
 disappointments, which naturally attend the great 
 promises we make ourselves in expected, enjoy- 
 ments, strike no damp upon such men, but only 
 quicken their hopes of soon knowing joys, which 
 are too pure to admit of allay or satiety.
 
 S TATLER. NO 2 11. 
 
 It is thought, among the politer sort of man- 
 kind, an imperfection to want a relish of any of 
 those things which refine our lives. This is the 
 foundation of the acceptance which eloquence, 
 music, and poetry, make in the world ; and I know 
 not why devotion, considered merely as an exal- 
 tation of our happiness, should not at least be so far 
 regarded as to be considered. It is possible, the 
 very inquiry would lead men into such thoughts 
 and gratifications, as they did not expect to meet 
 with in this place. Many a good acquaintance has 
 been lost from a general prepossession in his dis- 
 favour, and a severe aspect has often hid under it a 
 very agreeable companion. 
 
 There are no distinguishing qualities among men 
 to which there are not false pretenders ; but though 
 none is more pretended to than that of devotion, 
 there are, perhaps, fewer successful impostors in 
 this kind than any other. There is something so 
 natively great and good in a person that is truly 
 devout, that an aukward man may as well pretend 
 to be genteel, as an hypocrite to be pious. The 
 constraint in words and actions are equally visible 
 in both cases ; and any thing set up in their room 
 does but remove the endeavours farther off from 
 their pretensions. But, however the sense of true 
 piety is abated, there is no other motive of action 
 that can carry us through all the vicissitudes of life 
 with alacrity and resolution. But piety, like philo- 
 sophy, when it is superficial, does but make men 
 appear the worse for it ; and a principle that is but 
 half received does but distract, instead of guiding 
 our behaviour. When I reflect upon the unequal 
 conduct of Lotius, I see many things that run di- 
 rectly cdunter to his interest ; therefore I cannot at- 
 tribute his labours for the public good to ambition. 
 When I consider his disregard to his fortune, I can-
 
 NO 2 11. TATLER. 9 
 
 not esteem him covetous. How then can T recon- 
 cile his neglect of himself, and his zeal for others ? 
 I have long suspected him to be a " little pious ;" 
 but no man ever hid his vice with greater caution, 
 than he does his virtue. It was the praise of a great 
 Roman, " that he had rather be, than appear, 
 
 food." But such is the weakness of Lotius, that 
 dare ' say he had rather be esteemed irreligious 
 than devout. By I know not what impatience of 
 raillery, he is wonderfully fearful of being thought 
 too great a believer. A hundred little devices are 
 made use of to hide a time of private devotion ; 
 and he will allow you any suspicion of his being ill 
 employed, so you do not tax him with being well. 
 But alas! how mean is such a behaviour! To 
 boast of virtue, is a most ridiculous way of disap- 
 pointing the merit of it, but not so pitiful as that of 
 being ashamed of it. How unhappy is the wretch, 
 who makes the most absolute and independent mo- 
 tive of action the cause of perplexity and incon- 
 stancy ! How different a figure does Caelicolo make 
 with all who know him ! His great and superior 
 mind, frequently exalted by the raptures of hea- 
 venly meditation, is to all his friends of the same 
 use, as if an angel were to appear at the decision of 
 their disputes. They Very well understand, he is 
 as much disinterested and unbiassed as such a being. 
 He considers all applications made to him, as those 
 addresses will affect his own application to Heaven. 
 All his determinations are delivered with a beautiful 
 humility ; and he pronounces his decisions with the 
 air of one who is more frequently a supplicant than 
 a judge. 
 
 Thus humble, and thus great, is the man who is 
 moved by piety, and exalted by devotion. But be- 
 hold this recommended by the masterly hand of a 
 great divine I have heretofore made bold with.
 
 JO TATLER. 
 
 " It is such a pleasure as can never cloy or over- 
 work the mind ; a delight that grows and improves 
 under thought and reflection ; and while it ex- 
 ercises, does also endear itself to the mind. All 
 pleasures that affect the body must needs weary, 
 because they transport ; and all transportation is a 
 violence ; and no violence can be lasting ; but de- 
 termines upon the falling of the spirits, which are 
 not able to keep up that height of motion that the 
 pleasure of the senses raises them to. And there- 
 fore how inevitably does an immoderate laughter 
 end in a sigh, which is only nature's recovering it- 
 self after a force done to it ! but the religious plea- 
 sure of a well-disposed mind moves gently, and 
 therefore constantly. It does not affect by rapture 
 and extacy, but is like the pleasure of health, 
 greater and stronger than those that call up the 
 senses with grosser and more affecting impressions. 
 No man's body is as strong as his appetites ; but 
 Heaven has corrected the boundlessness of his vo- 
 luptuous desires by stinting his strength, and con- 
 tracting his capacities. The pleasure of the reli- 
 gious man is an easy and a portable pleasure, such 
 an one as he carries about in his bosom, without 
 alarming either the eye or the envy of the world. 
 A man putting all his pleasures into this one, is like 
 a traveller putting all his goods into one jewel ; the 
 value is the same, and the convenience greater."* 
 
 nv>> rw '. ' 1*1 : 
 * Dr. South.
 
 TATLER. 11 
 
 N 212. THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 1710. 
 
 From my own Apartment, August 16. 
 
 I HAVE had much importunity to answer the fol- 
 lowing letter. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " Reading over a volume of yours, I find the 
 words Simplex Munditiis mentioned as a descrip- 
 tion of a very well-dressed woman. I beg of you, 
 for the sake of the sex, to explain these terms. I 
 cannot comprehend what my brother means, when 
 he tells me, they signify my own name, which 
 is, Sir, 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 PLAIN ENGLISH." 
 
 I think the lady's brother has given us a very good 
 idea of that elegant expression; it being the greatest 
 beauty of speech to be close and intelligible. To 
 this end, nothing is to be more carefully consulted 
 than plainness. In a lady's attire this is the single 
 excellence ; for to be, what some people call, fine, 
 is the same vice in that case, as to be florid, is in 
 writing or speaking. I have studied and writ on 
 this important subject, until I almost despair of 
 making reformation in the females of this island ; 
 where we have more beauty than in any spot in the 
 universe, if we did not disguise it by false gar- 
 niture, and detract from it by impertinent im- 
 provements. I have by me a treatise concerning 
 pinners, which, I have some hopes, will contribute
 
 12 T^WLER. NO 212. 
 
 to the amendment of the present head-dresses, to 
 which I have solid and unanswerable objections. 
 But most of the errors in that, and other particulars 
 of adorning the head, are crept into the world from 
 the ignorance of the modern tirewomen ; for it is come 
 to that pass, that an aukward creature in the first 
 year of her apprenticeship, that can hardly stick a 
 pin, shall take upon her to dress a woman of the 
 first quality. However, it is certain, that there 
 requires in a good tirewoman a perfect skill in 
 optics ; for all the force of ornament is to contri- 
 bute to the intention of the eyes. Thus she, who 
 has a mind to look killing, must arm her face ac- 
 cordingly, and not leave her eyes and cheeks un- 
 dressed. There is Araminta, who is so sensible of 
 this, that she never will see even her own husband 
 without a hood on. Can any one living bear to see 
 Miss Gruel, lean as she is, with her hair tied back 
 after the modern way ? But such is the folly of our 
 ladies, that because one who is a beauty, out of os- 
 tentation of her being such, takes care to wear 
 something that she knows cannot be of any conse- 
 quence to her complexion ; I say, our women run 
 on so heedlessly in the fashion, that though it is the 
 interest of some to hide as much of their faces as 
 possible, yet because a leading Toast appeared with 
 a backward head-dress, the rest shall follow the 
 mode, without observing that the author of the 
 fashion assumed it because it could become no one 
 but herself. 
 
 Flavia * is ever well-dressed, and always the gen- 
 teelest woman you meet : but the make of her 
 mind very much contributes to the ornament of her 
 body. She has the greatest simplicity of manners, 
 of any of her sex. This makes every thing look 
 
 * Mrs. Ann Oldfield, the actress.
 
 1*0 212. TATLER. 13 
 
 native about her, and her cloaths are so exactly 
 fitted that they appear, as it were, part of her 
 person. Every one that sees her knows her to be 
 of quality ; but her distinction is owing to her man- 
 ner and not to her habit. Her beauty is full of 
 attraction, but not of allurement. There is such a 
 composure in her looks, and propriety in her dress, 
 that you would think it impossible she should change 
 the garb, you one day see her in, for any thing so 
 becoming, until you next day see her in another. 
 There is no other mystery in this, but that however 
 she is apparelled, she is herself the same : for there 
 is so immediate a relation between our thoughts 
 and gestures, that a woman must think well to look 
 well. 
 
 But this weighty subject I must put off for some 
 other matters, in which my correspondents are ur- 
 gent for answers ; which I shall do where I can, 
 and appeal to the judgment of others where I 
 cannot. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, August 15, 1710. 
 
 " Taking the air the other day on horseback, m 
 the green lane that leads to Southgate, I discovered 
 coming towards me a person well mounted in a 
 mask : and I accordingly expected, as any one 
 would, to have been robbed. But when we came 
 up with each other, the spark, to my greater sur- 
 prise, very peaceably gave me the way ; which 
 made me take courage enough to ask him, if he 
 masqueraded, or how ? He made me no answer, 
 but still continued incognito. This was certainly 
 an ass in a lion's skin ; a harmless bull-beggar, 
 who delights to fright innocent people, and set them 
 a galloping. I bethought myself of putting as good 
 a jest upon him, and had turned my horse, with a 
 
 VOL. v. c
 
 14 TATLER. NO 212. 
 
 design to pursue him to London, and get him ap- 
 prehended on suspicion of being a highwayman : 
 but when I reflected, that it was the proper office 
 of the magistrate to punish only knaves, and that 
 we had a Censor of Great-Britain for people of ano- 
 ther denomination, I immediately determined to pro- 
 secute him in your court only. This unjustifiable 
 frolic I take to be neither wit nor humour, therefore 
 hope you will do me, and as many others as were 
 that day frighted, justice. 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your friend and servant, 
 
 J. L." 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " The gentleman begs your pardon, and frighted 
 you out of fear of frighting you : for he is just come 
 out of the small-pox." 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " Your distinction concerning the time of com- 
 mencing virgins is allowed to be just. I write you 
 my thanks for it, in the twenty-eighth year of my 
 life, and twelfth of my virginity. But I am to ask 
 you another question : may a woman be said to live 
 any more years a maid, than she continues to be 
 courted ? 
 
 I am, &c." 
 
 " SIR, August 15, 1710. 
 
 " I observe that the Postman of Saturday last, 
 giving an account of the action in Spain, has this 
 elegant turn of expression ; general Stanhope, 
 who in the whole action expressed as much bravery 
 as conduct, received a contusion in his right 
 shoulder. I should be glad to know, whether this 
 cautious politician means to commend or to rally
 
 NO 213. TATLJER. 15 
 
 him, by saying, ' He expressed as much bravery 
 as conduct* ? If you can explain this dubious phrase, 
 it will inform the public, and oblige, S.ir, 
 
 Your humble servant, &c." 
 
 213. SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 1710. 
 
 Sheer-lane, August 18. 
 
 THERE has of late crept in among the downright 
 English a mighty spirit of dissimulation. But, be- 
 fore we discourse of this vice, it will be necessary 
 to observe, that the learned make a difference be- 
 tween simulation and dissimulation. Simulation is 
 a pretence of what is not, and dissimulation is a 
 concealment of what is. The latter is our present 
 affair. When you look round you in public places 
 in this island, you see the generality of mankind 
 carry in their countenance an air of challenge or de- 
 fiance ; and there is no such man to be found among 
 us, who naturally strives to do greater honours and 
 civilities than he receives. This innate sullenness 
 or stubbornness of complexion is hardly to be con- 
 quered by any of our islanders. For which reason, 
 however they may pretend to chouse one another, 
 they make but very aukward rogues ; and their dis- 
 like to each other is seldom so well dissembled, but 
 it is suspected. When once it is so, it had as good 
 be professed. A man who dissembles well must 
 have none of what we call stomach, otherwise he 
 will be cold in his professions of good-will where 
 he hates ; an imperfection of the last ill consequence
 
 16 TATLER. NO 213. 
 
 in business. This fierceness in our natures is ap- 
 parent from the conduct of our young fellows, who 
 are not got into the schemes and arts of life which 
 the children of the world walk by. One would 
 think, that of course, when a man of any conse- 
 quence for his figure, his mien, or his gravity, 
 passes by a youth, he should certainly have the first 
 advances of salutation ; but he is, you may observe, 
 treated in a quite different manner; it being the 
 very characteristic of an English temper to defy. 
 As I am an Englishman, I find it a very hard matter 
 to bring myself to pull off the hat first ; but it is 
 the only way to be upon any good terms with those 
 we meet with. Therefore the first advance is of 
 high moment. Men judge of others by them- 
 selves ; and he that will command with us must 
 condescend. It moves one's spleen very agreeably, 
 to see fellows pretend to be dissemblers without 
 this lesson. They are so reservedly complaisant until 
 they have learned to resign their natural passions, 
 that all the steps they make towards gaining those, 
 whom they would be well with, are but so many 
 marks of what they really are, and not of what they 
 would appear. 
 
 The rough Britons, when they pretend to be art- 
 ful towards one another, are ridiculous enough ; but 
 when they set up for vices they have not, and dis- 
 semble their good with an affectation of ill, they are 
 insupportable. I know two men in this town who 
 make as good figures as any in it, that manage their 
 credit so well as to be thought atheists, and yet say 
 their prayers morning and evening. Tom Springly, 
 the other day, pretended to go to an assignation with 
 a married woman at Rosamond's pond, and was seen 
 soon after reading the responses with great gravity 
 at six-a-clock prayers.
 
 NO 213. TATLER. 17 
 
 Sheer-lane, dugust 17. 
 
 Though the following epistle bears a just acca- 
 sation of myself, yet in regard it is a more advan- 
 tageous piece of justice to another, I insert it at 
 large. 
 
 "Garraway's Coffee-house, August 10. 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I have lately read your Paper, wherein you re- 
 present a conversation between a young lady, your 
 three nephews, and yourself; and am not a little 
 offended at the figure you give your young mer- 
 chant in the presence of a beauty. The topic of 
 love is a subject on which a man is more beholden 
 to nature for his eloquence, than to the instruction 
 of the schools, or my lady's woman. From the 
 two latter your scholar and page must have reaped 
 all their advantage above him. I know by this time 
 you have pronounced me a trader. I acknowledge 
 it; but cannot bear the exclusion from any pre- 
 tence of speaking agreeably to a fine woman, or 
 from any degree of generosity that way. You have 
 among us citizens many well wishers ; but it is for 
 the justice of your representations, which we, perhaps, 
 are better judges of than you ( by the account you 
 give of your nephew) seem to allow. 
 
 " To give you an opportunity of making us some 
 reparation, I desire you would tell, your own way, 
 the following instance of heroic love in the city. 
 You are to remember, that somewhere in your 
 writings, for enlarging the territories of virtue and 
 honour, you have multiplied the opportunities of 
 attaining to heroic virtue ; and have hinted, that in 
 whatever state of life man is, if he does things above 
 what is ordinarily performed by men of his rank, he 
 is in those instances an hero.
 
 18 TATLER. NO 213. 
 
 " Tom Trueman, a young gentleman of eighteen 
 years of age, fell passionately in love with the beau- 
 teous Almira, daughter to his master. Her regard 
 for him was no less tender. Trueman was better 
 acquainted with his master's affairs than his daugh- 
 ter ; and secretly lamented, that each day brought 
 him by many miscarriages nearer bankruptcy than 
 the former. This unhappy posture of their af- 
 fairs, the youth suspected, was owing to the ill- 
 management of a factor, in whom his master had 
 an entire confidence. Trueman took a proper oc- 
 casion, when his master was ruminating on his de- 
 caying fortune, to address him for leave to spend 
 the remainder of his time with his foreign corre- 
 spondent. During three years stay in that em- 
 ployment, he became acquainted with all that con- 
 cerned his master, and by his great address in the 
 management of that knowledge saved him ten 
 thousand pounds. Soon after this accident, True- 
 man's uncle left him a considerable estate. Upon 
 receiving that advice, he returned to England, and 
 demanded Almira of her father. The father, over- 
 joyed at the match, offered him the ten thousand 
 pounds he had saved him, with the further propo- 
 sal of resigning to him all his business. Trueman 
 refused both; and retired into the country with 
 his bride, contented with his own fortune, though 
 perfectly skilled in all the methods of impro- 
 ving it. 
 
 " It is to be noted that Trueman refused twenty 
 thousand pounds with another young lady ; so 
 that reckoning both his self-denials, he is to have 
 in your court the merit of having given thirty 
 thousand pounds for the woman he loved. This 
 gentleman I claim your justice to; and hope you 
 will be convinced that some of us have larger
 
 NO 214. TATJLER. 19 
 
 views than only Cash Debtor, Per contra Cre- 
 ditor. Yours, 
 
 RICHARD TRAFFICK." 
 
 " N. B. Mr. Thomas Newman, of Lime-street, 
 is entered among the heroes of domestic life. 
 
 CHARLES 
 
 No 214. TUESDAY, AUGUST 22, 1710. 
 
 Soles et aperta serena 
 
 Prospicere, et certis poteiis cognoscere sign Is. 
 
 VIRG. Georg. i. 393. 
 
 'Tis easy to descry 
 Returning suns and a serener sky. DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, August 21. 
 
 IN every party there are two sorts of men, the 
 rigid and the supple. The rigid are an intractable 
 race of mortals, who act upon principle, and will not, 
 forsooth, fall into any measures that are not con- 
 sistent with their received notions of honour. These 
 are persons of a stubborn unpliant morality ; that 
 sullenly adhere to their friends, when they are dis- 
 graced, and to their principles, though they are ex- 
 ploded. I shall therefore give up this stiff-necked 
 generation to their own obstinacy, and turn my 
 thoughts to the advantage of the supple, who pay 
 their homage to places, and not persons ; ^nd, 
 without enslaving themselves to any particular scheme
 
 20 TATLER. NO 2 14. 
 
 of opinions, are as ready to change their conduct in 
 point of sentiment as of fashion. The well-dis- 
 ciplined part of a court are generally so perfect at 
 their exercise, that you may see a whole assembly, 
 from front to rear, face about at once to a new man 
 of power, though at the same time they turn their 
 backs upon him that brought them thither. The 
 great hardship these complaisant members of so- 
 ciety are under, seems to be the want of warning 
 upon any approaching change or revolution; so 
 that they are obliged in a hurry to tack about with 
 every wind, and stop short in the midst of a full 
 career, to the great surprise and derision of their 
 beholders. 
 
 When a man foresees a decaying ministry, he has 
 leisure to grow a malecontent, reflect upon the 
 present conduct, and by gradual murmurs fall off 
 from his friends into a new party, by just steps and 
 measures. For want of such notices I have formerly 
 known a very well-bred person refuse to return a 
 bow of a man whom he thought in disgrace, that 
 was next day made secretary of state ; and another, 
 who after a long neglect of a minister, came to his 
 levee, and made professions of zeal for his service the 
 very day before he was turned out. 
 
 This produces also unavoidable confusions and 
 mistakes in the descriptions of great men's parts 
 and merits. That antient Lyric, Mr. D'Urfey, some 
 years ago writ a dedication to a certain lord, in 
 which he celebrated him for the greatest poet and 
 critic of that age, upon a misinformation in Dyer's 
 Letter, that his noble patron was made lord cham- 
 berlain. In short, innumerable votes, speeches, 
 and sermons, have been thrown away and turned 
 to no account, merely for want of due and timely 
 intelligence. Nay, it has been known, that a pa- 
 negyric has been half printed off, when the poet.
 
 NO 214. TATLER. 21 
 
 upon the removal of the minister, has been forced 
 to alter it into a satire. 
 
 For the conduct therefore of such useful persons, 
 as are already to do their country service upon all oc- 
 casions, I have an engine in my study, which is a 
 sort of a Political Barometer, or, to speak more 
 intelligibly, a State Weather-glass, that, by the 
 rising and falling of a certain magical liquor, pre- 
 sages all changes and revolutions in government, 
 as the common glass does of the weather. This 
 Weather-glass is said to have been invented by 
 Cardan, and given by him as a present to his great 
 countryman and contemporary, Machiavel ; which, 
 by the way, may serve to rectify a received error in 
 chronology, that places one of these some years 
 after the other. How or when it came into my 
 hands, I shall desire to be excused, if I keep to my- 
 self; but so it is, that I have walked by it for the 
 better part of a century to my safety at least, if not 
 to my advantage ; and have among my papers a 
 register of all the changes that have happened in it 
 from the middle of queen Elizabeth's reign. 
 
 In the time of that princess it stood long at Settled 
 Fair. At the latter end of king James the First, it 
 fell to Cloudy. It held several years after at Stormy: 
 insomuch, that at last, despairing of seeing any 
 clear weather at home, I followed the royal exile, 
 and some time after finding my Glass rise, returned 
 to my native country with the rest of the loyalists. 
 I was then in hopes to pass the remainder of my 
 days in Settled Fair: but alas! during the greatest 
 part of that reign the English nation lay in a dead 
 calm, which, as it is usual, was followed by high 
 winds and tempests, until of late years ; in which, 
 with unspeakable joy and satisfaction, I have seen 
 our political weather returned to Settled Fair. I 
 must only observe, that for all this last? summer my
 
 22 TATLER. NO 2 1 4. 
 
 Glass has pointed at Changeable. Upon the whole, 
 I often apply to Fortune .^Eneas's speech to the 
 Sibyl : 
 
 Non ulla laborum 
 
 O virgo, nova mi fades inopinave surgit : 
 Omnia praecepi, atque animo mecum ante peregi. 
 
 VIRG. jEn. vi. 103. 
 
 No terror to my view, 
 No frightful face of danger can be new: 
 The mind foretels whatever comes to pass ; 
 A thoughtful mind is Fortune's Weather-glass. 
 
 The advantages, which have accrued to those 
 whom I have advised in their affairs, by virtue of 
 this sort of prescience, have been very considerable. 
 A nephew of mine, who has never put his money 
 into the stocks, or taken it out, without my advice, 
 has in a few years raised five hundred pounds to al- 
 most so many thousands. As for myself, who look 
 upon riches to consist rather in content than pos- 
 sessions, and measure the greatness of the mind 
 rather by its tranquillity than its ambition, I have 
 seldom used my Glass to make my way in the 
 world, but often to retire from it. This is a bye- 
 path to happiness, which was first discovered to me 
 by a most pleasing apophthegm of Pythagoras; 
 " When the winds," says he, " rise, worship the 
 echo." That great philosopher (whether to make 
 his doctrines the more venerable, or to gild his 
 precepts with the beauty of imagination, or to 
 awaken the curiosity of his disciples, for I will not 
 suppose, what is usually said, that he did it to 
 conceal his wisdom from the vulgar) has couched 
 several admirable precepts in remote allusions, and 
 mysterious sentences. By the winds in this apoph- 
 thegm, are meant state hurricanes and popular
 
 NO 215. TATJUBR. 23 
 
 tumults. " When these rise," says he, " worship 
 the echo ;" that is, withdraw yourself from the 
 multitude into deserts, woods, solitudes, or the like 
 retirements, which are the usual habitations of the 
 ucho. 
 
 N 215. THURSDAY, AUGUST 24, 1710. 
 
 From my own Apartment, August 23. 
 LYSANDER has writ to me out pf the country, and 
 tells me, after many other circumstances, that he 
 had passed a great deal of time with much pleasure 
 and tranquillity ; until his happiness was interrupted 
 by an indiscreet flatterer, who came down into 
 those parts to visit a relation. With the circum- 
 stances in which he represents the matter, he had 
 no small provocation to be offended ; for he attacked 
 him in so wrong a season, that he could not have 
 any relish of pleasure in it; though, perhaps, at 
 another time it might have passed upon him without 
 giving him much uneasiness. Lysander had, after 
 a long satiety of the town, been so happy as to get 
 to a solitude he extremely liked, and recovered a 
 pleasure he had long discontinued, that of reading. 
 He was got to the bank of a rivulet, covered by a 
 pleasing shade, and fanned by a soft breeze : which 
 threw his mind into that sort of composure and at- 
 tention, in which a man, though with indolence, 
 enjoys the utmost liveliness of his spirits, and the 
 greatest strength of his mind at the same time. In
 
 24 TATLER. NO 2 15. 
 
 this state, Lysander represents that he was reading 
 Virgil's Georgics, when on a sudden the gentleman 
 above-mentioned surprised him ; and without any 
 manner of preparation falls upon him at once : 
 " What ! I have found you at last, after searching 
 all over the wood ! we wanted you at cards after 
 dinner ; but you are much better employed. I have 
 heard indeed that you are an excellent scholar. But 
 at the same time, is it not a little unkind to rob the 
 ladies, who like you so well, of the pleasure of your 
 company? But that is indeed the misfortune 01 you 
 great scholars ; you are seldom so fit for the world 
 as those who never trouble themselves with books. 
 Well, I see you are taken up with your learning 
 there, and I will leave you," Lysander says, he 
 made him no answer, but took a resolution to com- 
 plain to me. 
 
 It is a substantial affliction, when men govern 
 themselves by the rules of good-breeding, that by 
 the very force of them they are subjected to the inso- 
 lence of those, who either never will, or never can, 
 understand them. The superficial part of mankind 
 form to themselves little measures of behaviour from 
 the outside of- things. By the force of these narrow 
 conceptions, they act among themselves with ap- 
 plause ; and do not apprehend they are contempti- 
 ble to those of higher understanding, who are re- 
 strained by decencies above their knowledge from 
 shewing a dislike. Hence it is, that because com- 
 plaisance is a good quality in conversation, one im- 
 pertinent takes upon him on all occasions to com- 
 mend; and because mirth is agreeable, another 
 thinks fit eternally to jest. I have of late received 
 many packets of letters, complaining of these spread- 
 ing evils. A lady who is lately arrived at the Bath 
 acquaints me, there were in the stage-coach where- 
 in she went down, a common flatterer, and a common
 
 NO 215. TATLER. 25 
 
 jester. These gentlemen were, she tells me, rivals 
 in her favour ; and adds, if there ever happened a 
 case wherein of two persons one was not liked more 
 than another, it was in that journey. They differed 
 only in proportion to the degree of dislike between 
 the nauseous and the insipid. Both these characters 
 of men are born out of a barrenness of imagination. 
 They are never fools by nature ; but become such 
 out of an impotent ambition of being, what she never 
 intended them, men of wit and conversation. I 
 therefore think fit to declare, that according to the 
 known laws of this land, a man may be a very honest 
 gentleman, and enjoy himself and his friend, with- 
 out being a wit ; and I absolve all men from taking 
 pains to be such for the future. As the present 
 case stands, is it not very unhappy that Lysander must 
 be attacked and applauded in a wood, and Corinna 
 jolted and commended in a stage-coach ; and this 
 for no manner of reason, but because other people 
 have a mind to show their parts ? I grant, indeed, if 
 these people, as they have understanding enough for 
 it, would confine their accomplishments to those of 
 their own degree of talents, it were to be tolerated ; 
 but when they are so insolent as to interrupt the me- 
 ditations of the wise, the conversations of the agree- 
 able, and the whole behaviour of the modest, it be- 
 comes a grievance naturally in my jurisdiction. 
 Among themselves, I can not only overlook, but ap- 
 prove it. I was present the other day at a conver- 
 sation, where a man of this height of breeding and 
 sense told a young woman of the same form, " To 
 be sure, Madam, every thing must please that comes 
 from a lady." She answered, " I know, Sir, you 
 are so much a gentleman that you think so." Why 
 this was very well on both sides ; and it is impossible 
 that such a lady and gentleman should do otherwise 
 than think well of one another. These are but loose 
 VOL. v. D
 
 26 TATLER. N<> 2 15. 
 
 hints of the disturbances in human society, for which 
 there is yet no remedy ; but I shall in a little time 
 publish tables of respect and civility, by which per- 
 sons may be instructed in the proper times and sea- 
 sons, as well ae at what degree of intimacy a man 
 may be allowed to commend or rally his companions ; 
 the promiscuous licence of which is, at present, far 
 from being among the small errors in conversation. 
 
 P. S. The following letter was left, with a re- 
 quest to be immediately answered, lest the artifices 
 used against a lady in distress may come into com- 
 mon practice. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " My eldest sister buried her husband about six 
 months ago ; and at his funeral, a gentleman of 
 more art than honesty, on the night of his interment, 
 while she was not herself, but in the utmost agony 
 of her grief, spoke to her of the subject of love. In 
 that weakness and distraction which my sister was 
 in, as one ready to fall is apt to lean on any body, 
 he obtained her promise of marriage, which was ac- 
 cordingly consummated eleven weeks after. There 
 is no affliction comes alone, but one brings another. 
 My sister is now ready to lye-in. She humbly asks 
 of you, as you are a friend to the sex, to let her 
 know, who is the lawful father of this child, or whe- 
 ther she may not be relieved from this second mar- 
 riage ; considering it was promised under such cir- 
 cumstances as one may very well suppose she did not 
 what she did voluntarily, but because she was help- 
 less otherwise. She is advised something about en- 
 gagements made in gaol, which she thinks the same, 
 as to the reason of the thing. But, dear Sir, she 
 relies upon your advice, and gives you her service ; 
 as does your humble servant, 
 
 " REBECCA MIDRIFFS."
 
 *o 215. TATLER. 27 
 
 The case ii very hard ; and I fear the plea she is 
 advised to make, from v the similitude of a man who 
 is in duresse, will not prevail. But though I de- 
 spair of remedy as to the mother, the law gives the 
 child his choice of his father, where the birth is thus 
 legally ambiguous. 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire. 
 " The humble Petition of the Company of Linen- 
 drapers, residing within the liberty of West- 
 minster, 
 
 " SHEWF.TH, 
 
 " That there has of late prevailed among the ladies 
 so great an affectation of nakedness, that they have 
 not only left the bosom wholly bare, but lowered 
 their stays some inches below the former mode. 
 
 " That, in particular, Mrs. Arabella Overdo has 
 not the least appearance of linen; and our best 
 customers shew but little above the small of their 
 backs. 
 
 " That by this means your petitioners are in dan- 
 ger of losing the advantage ot covering a ninth part 
 of every woman of quality in Great-Britain. 
 
 " Your Petitioners humbly offer the premises 
 to your Indulgence's consideration, and shall 
 ever, &c." 
 
 Before I answer this petition, I am inclined to 
 examine the offenders myself.
 
 28 TATLER. NO 2 16. 
 
 N 216. SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 171O. 
 
 Nugis addere pondus . 
 
 HOR. 1 Ep. i. 42. 
 
 Weight and importance some to trifles pive. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, August 25. 
 
 NATURE is full of wonders ; every atom is a stand- 
 ing miracle, and endowed with such qualities, as 
 could not be impressed on it by a power and wisdom 
 less than infinite. For this reason, I would not dis- 
 courage any searches that are made into the most 
 minute and trivial parts of the creation. However, 
 since the world abounds in the noblest fields of spe- 
 culation, it is, methinks, the mark of a little genius, 
 to be wholly conversant among insects, reptiles, ani- 
 malcules, and those trifling rarities that furnish out 
 the apartment of a virtuoso. 
 
 There are some men whose heads are so oddly 
 turned this way, that though they are utter stran- 
 gers to the common occurrences of life, they are 
 able to discover the sex of a cockle, or describe the 
 generation of a mite, in all its circumstances. They 
 are so little versed in the world, that they scarce 
 know an horse from an ox ; but, at the same time, 
 will tell you^with a great deal of gravity, that a flea 
 is a rhinoceros, and a snail an hermaphrodite. I 
 have known one of these whimsical philosophers, 
 who has set a greater value upon a collection of spi-
 
 NO 216. TATLER. 9 
 
 ders than he would upon a flock of sheep, and has 
 sold his coat off his back to purchase a tarantula. 
 
 I would not have a scholar wholly unacquainted 
 with these secrets and curiosities of nature ; but cer- 
 tainly the mind of man, that is capable of so much 
 higher contemplations, should not be altogether fixed 
 upon such mean and disproportioned objects. Ob- 
 servations of this kind are apt to alienate us too much 
 from the knowledge of the world, and to make us 
 serious upon trifles ; by which means they expose phi- 
 losophy to the ridicule of the witty, and contempt 
 of the ignorant. In short, studies of this nature 
 should be the diversions, relaxations, and amuse- 
 ments ; not the care, business, and concern of life.' 
 
 It is indeed wonderful to consider, that there 
 should be a sort of learned men, who are wholly em- 
 ployed in gathering together the refuse of nature, if 
 I may call it so, and hoarding up in their chests and 
 cabinets such creatures as others industriously avoid 
 the sight of. One does not know how to mention 
 some of the most precious parts of their treasure, 
 without a kind of an apology for it. I have been shewn 
 a beetle valued at twenty crowns, and a toad at an 
 hundred : but we must take this for a general rule, 
 " That whatever appears trivial or obscene in the 
 common notions of the world, looks grave and phi- 
 losophical in the eye of a virtuoso." 
 
 To shew this humour in its perfection, I shall 
 present my reader with the legacy of a certain Vir- 
 tuoso, who laid out a considerable estate in natural 
 rarities and curiosities, which upon his death-bed he 
 bequeathed to his relations and friends, in the fol- 
 lowing words : 
 
 THE WILL Otf A VIRTUOSO. 
 
 I Nicholas Gimcrack, being in sound health of 
 mind, but in great weakness of body, do by this uiy 
 
 D2
 
 SO TATLER. NO 216. 
 
 last will and testament bestow my worldly goods and 
 chattels in manner following : 
 
 Imprimis, To my dear wife, 
 One box of butterflies, 
 One drawer of shells, 
 A female skeleton, 
 A dried cockatrice. 
 
 Item, To my daughter Elizabeth, 
 
 My receipt for preserving dead caterpillars, 
 As also my preparations of winter Maydew, and 
 embryo-pickle. 
 
 Item, To my little daughter Fanny, 
 
 Three crocodiles' eggs. 
 
 And upon the birth of her first child, if she mar- 
 ries with her mother's consent, 
 The nest of an humming-bird. 
 
 Item, To my eldest brother, as an acknowledg- 
 ment for the lands he has vested in my son Charles, 
 I bequeath 
 
 My last year's collection of grasshoppers. 
 
 Item, To his daughter Susanna, being his only 
 child, I bequeath my 
 
 English weeds pasted on royal paper, 
 With my large folio of Indian cabbage. 
 
 Item, To my learned and worthy friend doctor 
 Johannes Elscrickius, professor in anatomy, and 
 my associate in the studies of nature, as an eternal 
 monument of my affection and friendship for him, I 
 bequeath 
 
 My rat's testicles, and 
 
 Whale's pizzle, 
 to him and his issue male ; and in default of such
 
 NO 216. TATLER. 31 
 
 issue in the said doctor Elscrickius, then to return 
 to my executor and his heirs for ever. 
 
 Having fully provided for my nephew Isaac, by 
 
 making over to him, some years since, 
 A horned Scarabaeus, 
 The skin of a rattle-snake, and 
 The mummy of an Egyptian King, 
 
 I make no further provision for him in this my Will. 
 
 My eldest son John, having spoke disrespectfully 
 of his little sister, whom I keep by me in spirits of 
 wine, and in many other instances behaved himself 
 undutifully towards me, I do disinherit, and wholly 
 cut off from any part of this my personal estate, by 
 giving him a single cockle-shell. 
 
 To my second son Charles I give and bequeath all 
 my flowers, plants, minerals, mosses, shells, peb- 
 bles, fossils, beetles, butterflies, caterpillars, grass- 
 hoppers, and vermin, not above specified ; as also all 
 my monsters, both wet and dry ; making the said 
 Charles whole and sole executor of this my last will 
 and testament; he paying, or causing to be paid, 
 the aforesaid legacies within the space of six months 
 after my decease. And I do hereby revoke all other 
 wills whatsoever by me formerly made. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 *#* Whereas an ignorant upstart in astrology has 
 publicly endeavoured to persuade the world that he is 
 the late John Partridge, who died the 28th of March, 
 1708 : These are to certify all whom it may concern, 
 that the true John Partridge was not only dead at 
 that time, but continues so to this present day. 
 
 Beware of counterfeits, for such are abroad.
 
 TATLKR. N 217- 
 
 N 217- TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 1710. 
 
 Atque deos atqve astra vocat crudeliu mater. 
 
 ViRG. Eel. v. ver. 28. 
 
 She sigh'd, she sobb'd, and furious with despair, 
 Accused all the gods, anil every star. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, August 28. 
 
 As I was passing by a neighbour's house this morn- 
 ing, I overheard the wife of the family speaking 
 things to her husband which gave me much distur- 
 bance, and put me in mind of a character which I 
 wonder I have so long omitted, and that is, an out- 
 rageous species of the fair sex, which is distinguished 
 by the term Scolds. The generality of women are 
 by nature loquacious ; therefore mere volubility of 
 speech is not to be imputed to them, but should be 
 considered with pleasure when it is used to express 
 such passions as tend to sweeten or adorn conversa- 
 tion ; but when, through rage, females are vehe- 
 ment in their eloquence, nothing in the world has so 
 ill an effect upon the features ; for by the force of it 
 I have seen the most amiable become the most de- 
 formed; and she that appeared one of the Graces, 
 immediately turned into one of the Furies. I hum- 
 bly conceive, the great cause of this evil may pro- 
 ceed from a false notion the ladies have of, what we 
 call, a modest woman. They have too narrow a con- 
 ception of this lovely character; and believe they 
 have not at all forfeited their pretensions to it, pro-
 
 NO 2 17- TATLER. 33 
 
 vided they have no imputations on their chastity. 
 But, alas! the young fellows know they pick out 
 better women in the side-boxes, than many of 
 those who pass upon the world and themselves for 
 modest. 
 
 Modesty never rages, never murmurs,, never 
 pouts ; when it is ill-treated, it pines, it beseeches, 
 it languishes. The neighbour I mention is one of 
 your common modest women, that is to say, those 
 who are ordinarily reckoned such. Her husband 
 knows every pain of life with her, but jealousy. 
 Now, because she is clear in this particular, the man 
 cannot say his soul is his own, but she cries, " No 
 modest woman is respected now-a-days." What 
 adds to the comedy in this case is, that it is very or- 
 dinary with this sort of women to talk in the lan- 
 guage of distress ; they will complain of the forlorn 
 wretchedness of their condition, and then the poor 
 helpless creatures shall throw the next thing they can 
 lay their hands on at the person who offends them. 
 Our neighbour was only saying to his wife, " she 
 went a little too fine," when she immediately pulled 
 his periwig off, and stamping it under her feet, 
 wrung her hands, and said, " Never modest woman 
 was so used." These ladies of irresistible modesty 
 are those, who make virtue unamiable ; not that they 
 can be said to be virtuous, but as they live without 
 scandal ; and being under the common denomina- 
 tion of being such, men fear to meet their faults in 
 those who are as agreeable as they are innocent. 
 
 I take the Bully among men, and the Scold among 
 women, to draw the foundation of their actions 
 from the same defect in the mind. A Bully thinks 
 honour consists wholly in being brave ; and there- 
 fore has regard to no one rule of life, if he preserves 
 himself from the accusation of cowardice. The fro- 
 ward woman knows chastity to be the first merit in
 
 34 TATLER. NO 21*. 
 
 a woman ; and therefore, since no one can call her 
 one ugly name, she calls mankind all the rest. 
 
 These ladies, where their companions are so im- 
 prudent as to take their speeches for any other, than 
 exercises of their own lungs and their husbands pa- 
 tience, gain by the force of being resisted, and flame 
 with open fury, which is no way to be opposed but 
 by being neglected ; though at the same time human 
 frailty makes it very hard, to relish the philosophy 
 of contemning even frivolous reproach. There is a 
 very pretty instance of this infirmity in the man of 
 the best sense that evtr was, no less a person than 
 Adam himself. According to Milton's description 
 of the first couple, as soon as they had fallen, and 
 the turbulent passions of anger, hatred, and jealousy, 
 first entered their breasts; Adam grew moody, and 
 talked to his wife, as you may find it in the three 
 hundred and fifty-ninth page, and ninth book, of 
 Paradise Lost, in the octavo edition, which out of 
 heroics, and put into domestic style, would run 
 thus : 
 
 " Madam, if my advices had been of any authoriy 
 with you, when that strange desire of gadding pos- 
 sessed you this morning, we had still been happy ; 
 but your cursed vanity and opinion of your own con- 
 duct, which is certainly very wavering when it seeks 
 occasions of being proved, has ruined both yourself 
 and me, who trusted you." 
 
 Eve had no fan in her hand to ruffle, or tucker 
 to pull down ; but with a reproachful air she an- 
 swered : 
 
 " Sir, do you impute that to my desire of gadding, 
 which might have happened to yourself, with all 
 your wisdom and gravity ? The serpent spoke so ex- 
 cellently, and with so good a grace, that Besides, 
 
 what harm had I ever done him, that he should de- 
 sign me any ? Was I to have been always at your
 
 NO 2 17- TATLER. 35 
 
 side, I might as well have continued there, and been 
 but your rib still ; but if I was so weak a creature as 
 you thought me, why did you not interpose your 
 sage authority more absolutely? You denied me 
 going as faintly, as you say I resisted the serpent. 
 Had not you been too easy, neither you nor I had 
 now transgressed." 
 
 Adam replied, " Why, Eve, hast thou the impu- 
 dence to upbraid me as the cause of thy transgres- 
 sion for my indulgence to thee ? Thus will it ever be 
 with him, who trusts too much to woman. At the 
 same time that she refuses to be governed, if she 
 suffers by her obstinacy, she will accuse the man 
 that shall leave her to herself." 
 
 " Thus they in mutual accusation spent 
 
 The fruitless hours, but neither self-condemning: 
 And of their vain contest ajtpear'd no end." 
 
 This, to the modern, will appear but a very faint 
 piece of conjugal enmity: but you are to consider, 
 that they were just begun to be angry, and they 
 wanted new words for expressing their new passions ; 
 but by her accusing him of letting her go, and tell- 
 ing him how good a speaker, and how fine a gentle- 
 man the devil was, we must reckon, allowing for 
 the improvements of time, that she gave him the 
 same provocation as if she had called him cuckold. 
 The passionate and familiar terms, with which the 
 same case repeated daily for so many thousand years 
 has furnished the present generation, were not then 
 in use ; but the foundation of debate has ever been 
 the same, a contention about their merit and wisdom. 
 Our general mother was a beauty; and hearing there 
 was another now in the world, could not forbear, 
 as Adam tells her, shewing herself, though to the 
 devil, by whom the same vanity made her liable to 
 be betrayed.
 
 36 TATLER. NO 2 17- 
 
 I cannot, with all the help of science and astro- 
 logy, find any other remedy for this evil, but what 
 was the medicine in this first quarrel ; which was, 
 as appears in the next book, that they were con- 
 vinced of their being both weak, but the one \veaker 
 than the other. 
 
 If it were possible that the beauteous could but 
 rage a little before a glass, and see their pretty coun- 
 tenance grow wild, it is not to be doubted but it 
 would have a very good effect : but that would re- 
 quire temper ; for Lady Firebrand, upon observing 
 her features swell when her rnaid vexed her the 
 other day, stamped her dressing-glass under her 
 feet. In this case, when one of this temper is moved, 
 she is like a witch in an operation, and makes all 
 things turn round with her. The very fabric is in 
 a vertigo when she begins to charm. In an instant, 
 whatever was the occasion that moved her blood, 
 she has 'such intolerable servants ; Betty is so auk- 
 ward, Tom cannot carry a message, and her hus- 
 band has so little respect for her, that she, poor wo- 
 man, is weary of this life, and was born .to be unhappy. 
 
 Desnnt mulia. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 *** The season now coming on in which the town 
 will begin to fill, Mr. Bickerstaff gives notice, That 
 from the first of October next, he will be much 
 wittier than he has hitherto been.
 
 218. TATLER. 37 
 
 N'21S. THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 1710. 
 
 Scriptorum chorus omnis amat nemus, et fugit urbes. 
 
 Hon. 2Ep. ii. 77. 
 
 The tribe of writers, to a man, admire 
 
 The peaceful grove, and from the town retire. 
 
 FRANCI*. 
 
 From my own Apartment, August 30. 
 
 I CHANCED to rise very early one particular morn- 
 ing this summer, and took a walk into the country to 
 divert myself among the fields and meadows, while 
 the green was new, and the flowers in their bloom. 
 As at this season of the year every lane is a beautiful 
 walk, and every hedge full of nosegays ; I lost my- 
 self, with a great deal of pleasure, among several 
 thickets and bushes, that were filled with a great 
 variety of birds, and an agreeable confusion of 
 notes, which formed the pleasantest scene in the 
 world to one who had passed a whole winter in 
 noise and smoke. The freshness of the dews that 
 lay upon every thing about me, with the cool breath 
 of the morning, which inspired the birds with so 
 many delightful instincts, created in me the same 
 kind of animal pleasure, and made my heart over- 
 flow with such secret emotions of joy and satisfac- 
 tion as are not to be described or accounted for. On 
 this occasion I could not but reflect upon a beautiful 
 simile in Milton : 
 
 VOL. v. E
 
 38 TATLKR. NO 2 18. 
 
 As one who long in populous city pent, 
 Where houses thick and sewers annoy the air, 
 Forth issuing on a summer's morn, to breathe 
 Among the pleasant villages and farms 
 Adjoin'd, from each thing met conceives delight : 
 The smell of grain, or tedded grass, or kine, 
 Or dairy, each rural sight, each rural sound. 
 
 Those who are conversant in the writings of polite 
 authors, receive an additional entertainment from 
 the country, as it revives in their memories those 
 charming descriptions, with which such authors do 
 frequently abound. 
 
 J was thinking of the foregoing beautiful .simile 
 in Milton, and applying it to myself, when I ob- 
 served to the windward of me a black cloud falling 
 to the earth in long trails of rain, which made me 
 betake myself for shelter to a house I saw at a little 
 distance from the place where I was walking. As I 
 sat in the porch, I heard the voices of two or three 
 persons, who seemed very earnest in discourse. My 
 curiosity was raised when I heard the names of Alex- 
 ander the Great and Artaxerxes; and as their tajk 
 seemed to run on ancient. heroes, I concluded there 
 could not be any secret in it ; for which reason I 
 thought I might very fairly listen to what they said. 
 
 After several parallels between great men, which 
 appeared to me altogether groundless and chimerical, 
 I was surprized to hear one say, that he valued the 
 Black Prince more than the duke of Vendosme. How 
 the duke of Vendosme should become a rival of the 
 Stack Prince, I could not conceive : and was more 
 startled when I heard a second affirm, with great 
 vehemence, that if the emperor of Germany was not 
 going off, he should like him better than either of 
 them. He added, that though the season was so 
 changeable, the duke of Marlborough was in bloom- 
 ing beauty. I was wondering to myself from whence
 
 N>218. TATLKR. 39 
 
 they had received this odd intelligence : especially 
 when I heard them mention the names of several 
 other great generals, as the prince of Hesse, and the 
 king of Sweden, who, they said, were both running 
 away. To which they added, what I entirely agreed 
 with them in, that the crown of France was very 
 weak, but that the marshal Villars still kept his co- 
 lours. At last, one of them told the company, if they 
 would go along with him, he would shew them a 
 chimney-sweeper and a painted lady in the same bed, 
 which he was sure would very much please them. 
 The shower which had driven them as well as my- 
 self into the house, was now over ; and as they were 
 passing by me into the garden, I asked them to let 
 me be one of their company. 
 
 The gentleman of the house told me, " if I de- 
 lighted in flowers, it would be worth my while ; for 
 that he believed he could shew me such a blow of 
 tulips as was not to be matched in the whole 
 country." 
 
 I accepted the offer, and immediately found that 
 they had been talking in terms of gardening, and 
 that the kings and generals they had mentioned 
 were only so many tulips, to which the gardeners, ac- 
 cording to their usual custom, had given such high 
 titles and appellations of honour. 
 
 I was very much pleased and astonished at the glo- 
 rious shew of these gay vegetables, that arose in 
 great profusion on all the banks about us. Some- 
 times I considered them with the eye of an ordinary 
 spectator, as so many beautiful objects varnished over 
 with a natural gloss, and stained with such a variety 
 of colours, as are not to be equalled in any artificial 
 dyes or tinctures. Sometimes I considered every 
 leaf as an elaborate piece of tissue, in which the 
 threads and fibres were woven together into different 
 configurations, which gave a different colouring to
 
 40 TATLER. NO 2 18. 
 
 the light as it glanced on the several parts of the 
 surface. Sometimes I considered the whole bed of 
 tulips, according to the notion of the greatest ma- 
 thematician and philosopher that ever lived *, as a 
 multitude of optic instruments, designed for the se- 
 parating light into all those various colours of which 
 it is composed. 
 
 I was awakened out of these my philosophical spe- 
 culations, by observing the company often seemed- 
 to laugh at me. I accidentally praised a tulip as one 
 of the finest I ever saw ; upon which they told me, 
 it was a common Fool's Coat. Upon that I praised 
 a second, which it seems was but another kind of 
 Fool's Coat. I had the same fate with two or three 
 more ; for which reason I desired the owner of the 
 garden to let me know which were the finest of the 
 flowers ; for that I was so unskilful in the art, that I 
 thought the most beautiful were the most valuable, 
 and that those which had the gayest colours were 
 the most beautiful. The gentleman smiled at my 
 ignorance. He seemed a very plain honest man, and 
 a person of good sense, had not his head been touch- 
 ed with that distemper which Hippocrates calls the 
 Ti/Xi7r7rojuvta, Tulippomania; insomuch that he would 
 talk very rationally on any subject in the world but 
 a tulip. 
 
 He told me, " that he valued the bed of flowers 
 which lay before us, and was not above twenty yards 
 in length and two in breadth, more than he would 
 the best hundred acres of land in England ;" and 
 added, " that it would have been worth twice the 
 money it is, if a foolish cook-maid of his had not 
 almost ruined him the last winter, by mistaking a 
 handful of tulip-roots for an heap of onions, and 
 by that means," says he, " made me a dish of por- 
 
 * Sir Isaac Newton,
 
 NO 218. TATLER. 41 
 
 ridge that cost me above a thousand pounds sterling. 
 He then shewed me what he thought the finest of 
 his tulips, which I found received all their value 
 from their rarity and oddness, and put me in mind 
 of your great fortunes, which are not always the 
 greatest beauties. 
 
 I have often looked upon it as a piece of happiness, 
 that I have never fallen into any of these fantastical 
 tastes, nor esteemed any thing the more for its be- 
 ing uncommon and hard to be met with. For this 
 reason I look upon the whole country in spring-time 
 as a spacious garden, and make as many visits to a 
 spot of daisies or a bank of violets, as a florist does 
 to his borders or parterres. There is not a bush in 
 blossom within a mile of me, which I am not ac- 
 quainted with, nor scarce a daffodil or cowslip that 
 withers away in my neighbourhood without my miss- 
 ing it. I walked home in this temper of mind through 
 several fields and meadows with an unspeakable plea- 
 sure, not without reflecting on the bounty of Pro- 
 vidence, which has made the most pleasing and 
 most beautiful objects the most ordinary and most 
 common.
 
 TATLBR. NO 219. 
 
 N 219. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBERS, 1710. 
 
 Solutos 
 
 Qui captat risux hominum, famamque dicacis 
 Afjf'ectat, niger est; hunc, tu Romane, caveto. 
 
 HOR. 1 Sat. iv. 82, 
 
 Who trivial bursts of laughter strives to raise, 
 And courts of prating petulance the praise, 
 This man is vile ; here, Roman, fix your mark; 
 His soul is black, as his complexion's dark. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 NEVER were men so perplexed as a select company 
 of us were this evening with a couple of professed 
 wits, who, through our ill fortune, and their own 
 confidence, had thought fit to pin themselves upon 
 a gentleman who had owned to them, that he was 
 going to meet such and such persons, and named us 
 one by one. These pert puppies immediately resolved 
 to come with him ; and from the beginning to the 
 end of the night entertained each other with imper- 
 tinences, to which we were perfect strangers. I am 
 come home very much tired ; for the affliction was 
 so irksome to me, that it surpasses all other I ever 
 knew, insomuch that I cannot reflect upon this sor- 
 row with pleasure, though it is past. 
 
 An easy manner of conversation is the most desi- 
 rable quality a man can have ; and for that reason 
 coxcombs will take upon them to be familiar with 
 people whom they never saw before. What adds to 
 the vexation of it is, that they will act upon the foot
 
 NO 919. TATLER. 43 
 
 of knowing you by fame ; and rally with you, as they 
 call it, by repeating what your enemies say of you ; 
 and court you, as they think, by uttering to your 
 face, at a wrong time, all the kind things your friends 
 speak of you in your absence. 
 
 These people are the more dreadful, the more 
 they have of what is usually called wit : for a lively 
 imagination, when it is not governed by a good un- 
 derstanding, makes such miserable havock both in 
 conversation and business, that it lays you defence- 
 less, and fearful to throw the least word in its way 
 that may give it new matter for its further errors. 
 
 Tom Mercet has as quick a fancy as any one liv- 
 ing ; but there is no reasonable man can bear him 
 half an hour. His purpose is to entertain, and it is 
 of no consequence to him what is said, so it be what 
 is called well said : as if a man must bear a wound 
 with patience, because he that pushed at you came 
 up with a good air and mien. That part of life 
 which we spend in company is the most pleasing of 
 all our moments ; and therefore I think our beha- 
 viour in it should have its laws as well as the part 
 of our being which is generally esteemed the more 
 important. From hence it is, that from long expe- 
 rience I have made it a maxim, That however we 
 may pretend to take satisfaction in sprightly mirth 
 and high jollity, there is no great pleasure in any 
 company where the basis of the society is not mu- 
 tual good will. When this is in the room, every trifling 
 circumstance, the most minute accident, the absurdity 
 of a servant, the repetition of an old story, the 
 look of a man when he is telling it, the most indif- 
 ferent and the most ordinary occurrences, are mat- 
 ters which produce mirth and good-humour. I went 
 to spend an hour after this manner with some friends, 
 who enjoy it in perfection whenever they- meet, 
 when those destroyers above-mentioned came in
 
 44 TATLER. NO 219, 
 
 upon us. There is not a man among them who has 
 any notion of distinction of superiority to one ano- 
 ther, either in their fortunes or their talents, when 
 they are in company. Or if any reflection to the 
 contrary occurs in their thoughts, it only strikes a 
 delight upon their minds, that so much wisdom and 
 power is in possession of one whom they love and 
 esteem. 
 
 In these my Lucubrations, I have frequently 
 dwelt upon this one topic. The above maxim would 
 make short work for us reformers; for it is only 
 want of making this a position that renders some cha- 
 racters bad, which would otherwise be good. Tom 
 Mercet means no man ill, but does ill to every body. 
 His ambition is to be witty ; and to carry on that 
 design he breaks through all things that other peo- 
 ple hold sacred. If he thought that wit was no way 
 to be used but to the advantage of society, that 
 sprightliness would have a new turn ; and we should 
 expect what he is going to say with satisfaction in- 
 stead of fear. It is no excuse for being mischievous, 
 that a man is mischievous without malice : nor will 
 it be thought an atonement, that the ill was done 
 not to injure the party concerned, but to divert the 
 indifferent. 
 
 It is, methinks, a very great error, that we should 
 not profess honesty in conversation, as much as in 
 commerce. If we consider, that there is no greater 
 misfortune than to be ill received ; where we love the 
 turning a man to ridicule among his friends, we rob 
 him of greater enjoyments than he could have pur- 
 chased by his wealth ; yet he that laughs at him 
 would perhaps be the last man who would hurt him 
 in this case of less consequence. It has been said, 
 the history of Don Quixote utterly destroyed the 
 spirit of gallantry in the Spanish nation ; and I be- 
 lieve we may say much more truly, that the humour
 
 NO 419. TATLBR. 45 
 
 of ridicule has done as much injury to the true relish 
 of company in England. 
 
 Such satisfactions as arise from the secret compa- 
 rison of ourselves to others, with relation to their 
 inferior fortunes or merit, are mean and unworthy. 
 The true and high state of conversation is, when men 
 communicate their thoughts to each other upon such 
 subjects, and in such a manner, as would be plea- 
 sant if there were no such thing as folly in the world ; 
 for it is but a low condition of wit in one man which 
 depends upon folly in another. 
 
 P. S. I was here interrupted by the receipt of my 
 letters, among which is one from a lady who is not 
 a little offended at my translation of the discourse 
 between Adam and Eve. She pretends to tell me 
 my own, as she calls it, and quotes several passages 
 in my works, which tend to the utter disunion of man 
 and wife. Her epistle will best express her. I have 
 made an extract of it, and shall insert the most ma- 
 terial passages. 
 
 " I suppose you know we women are not too apt 
 to forgive : for which reason, before you concern 
 yourself any further with our sex, I would advise 
 you to answer what is said against you by those of 
 your own. I inclose to you business enough, until 
 you are ready for your promise of being witty. You 
 must not expect to say what you please, without 
 admitting others to take the same liberty. Marry 
 come up ! you a Censor ? Pray read over all these 
 pamphlets, and these notes upon your Lucubrations ; 
 by that time you shall hear further. It is, I sup- 
 pose, from such as you that people learn to be cen- 
 sorious, for which I and all our sex have an utter 
 aversion ; when once people come to take the liberty 
 to wound reputations ; " 
 
 This is the main body of the letter; but she bids 
 me turn over, and there I find
 
 46 TATLER. N 219. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " If you will draw Mrs. Cicely Trippet according 
 to the inclosed description, I will forgive you all." 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire. 
 " The humble Petition of Joshua Fairlove, of Stepney, 
 
 " SHEWETH, 
 
 " That your Petitioner is a general lover, who for 
 some months last past has made it his whole busi- 
 ness to frequent the bye-paths and roads near his 
 dwelling, for no other purpose but to hand such of 
 the fair sex as are obliged to pass through them. 
 
 " That he has been at great expence for clean 
 gloves to offer his hand with. 
 
 " That towards the evening he approaches near 
 London, and employs himself as a convoy towards 
 home. 
 
 " Your Petitioner therefore most humbly prays, 
 that for such his humble services he may be 
 allowed the title of Esquire." 
 
 Mr. Morphew has orders to carry the proper 
 instruments; and the Petitioner is hereafter to be 
 writ to upon gilt paper, by the title of Joshua Fair- 
 love, Esquire.
 
 N 220. TATLKR. 47 
 
 N-220. TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1710. 
 
 Insani sapiens nomenferat aquus iniqui, 
 Ultra quant satis est, virtutem si petat ijisam. 
 
 HoR. 1 Ep. vi. 15. 
 
 Even virtue, when pursu'd with warmth extreme, 
 Turns into vice, and fools the safe's fame. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 4. 
 HAVING received many letters filled with compli- 
 ments and acknowledgements for my late useful dis- 
 covery of the political Barometer, I shall here com- 
 municate to the public an account of my ecclesiastical 
 Thermometer, the latter giving as manifest prog- 
 nostications of the changes and revolutions in church, 
 as the former does of those in state ; and both of 
 them being absolutely necessary for every prudent 
 subject who is resolved to keep what he has, and get 
 what he can. 
 
 The church Thermometer, which I am now to 
 treat of, is supposed to have been invented in the 
 reign of Henry the Eighth, about the time when 
 that religious prince put some to death for owning 
 the Pope's supremacy, and others for denying tran- 
 substantiation. I do not find, however, any great 
 use made of this instrument, until it fell into the 
 hands of a learned and vigilant priest or minister, 
 for he frequently wrote himself both one and the 
 other, who was some time Vicar of Bray. This 
 gentleman lived in his vicarage to a good old age ;
 
 48 TATLER. NO 220. 
 
 and, after having seen several successions of his 
 neighbouring clergy either burned or banished, de- 
 parted this life with the satisfaction of having never 
 deserted his flock, and died vicar of Bray. As 
 this Glass was at first designed to calculate the dif- 
 ferent degrees of heat in religion, as it raged in 
 popery, or as it cooled and grew temperate in the 
 Reformation; it was marked at several distances, 
 after the manner our ordinary thermometer is to this 
 day, viz. " Extreme Heat, Sultry Heat, Very 
 Hot, Hot, Warm, Temperate, Cold, Just Freez- 
 ing, Frost, Hard Frost, Great Frost, Extreme 
 Cold." 
 
 It is well known that Torricellius, the inventor 
 of the common weather-glass, made the experiment 
 in a long tube which held thirty-two feet of water ; 
 and that a more modern virtuoso, finding such a 
 machine altogether unwieldy and useless, and 
 considering that thirty-two inches of quicksilver 
 weighed as much as so many feet of water in 
 a tube of the same circumference, invented that 
 sizable instrument which is now in use. After 
 this manner that I might adapt the Thermometer 
 I am now speaking of to the present constitution of 
 our Church, as divided into High and Low, I have 
 made some necessary variations both in the tube 
 and the fluid it contains. In the first place, I or- 
 dered a tube to be cast in a planetary hour, and 
 took care to seal it hermetically, when the Sun was 
 in conjunction with Saturn. I then took the proper 
 precautions about the fluid, which is a compound of 
 two very different liquors ; one of them a spirit 
 drawn out of a strong heady wine ; the other a par- 
 ticular sort of rock-water, colder than ice, and 
 clearer then crsytal. The spirit is of a red fiery 
 colour, and so very apt to ferment, that unless it be 
 mingled with a proportion of the water, or pent up
 
 N 220. TATLER. 49 
 
 very close, it will burst the vessel that holds it, and 
 fly up in fume and smoke. The water, on the con- 
 trary, is of such a subtle piercing cold, that unless 
 it be mingled with a proportion of the spirits, it will 
 sink almost through every thing that it is put into : 
 and seems to be of the same nature as the water 
 mentioned by Quintus Curtius, which, says the 
 historian, could be contained in nothing but in the 
 hoof, or, as the Oxford manuscript has it, in the 
 scull of an ass. The Thermometer is marked accord- 
 ing to the following figure ; which I set down at 
 length, not only to give my reader a clear idea of 
 it, but also to fill up my Paper. 
 
 Ignorance. 
 
 Persecution. 
 
 Wrath. 
 
 Zeal. 
 
 CHURCH. 
 
 Moderation. 
 
 Lukewarmness. 
 
 Infidelity. 
 
 Ignorance. 
 
 The reader will observe, that the Church is placed 
 in the middle point of the glass, between Zeal and 
 Moderation ; the situation in which she always 
 flourishes, and in which every good Englishman 
 wishes her, who is a friend to the constitution of his 
 country. However, when it mounts to Zeal, it is 
 not amiss ; and, when it sinks to Moderation, is 
 still in a most admirable temper. The worst of it 
 is, that when it once begins to rise, it has- still an 
 inclination to ascend ; insomuch that it is apt to 
 climb up from Zeal to Wrath, and from Wrath to 
 Persecution, which always ends in Ignorance, and 
 very often proceeds from it. In the same manner 
 it frequently takes its progress through the ower 
 
 VOL. v. t
 
 50 TATLKR. NO 220. 
 
 half of the glass ; and, when it has a tendency to 
 fall, will gradually descend from Moderation to 
 Lukewarmness, and from Lukewarmness to Infide- 
 lity, which very often terminates in Ignorance, and 
 always proceeds from it. 
 
 It is a common observation, that the ordinary 
 Thermometer will be affected by the breathing of 
 people who are in the room where it stands ; and 
 indeed it is almost incredible to conceive, how the 
 glass I am now describing will fall by the breath of 
 a multitude crying " Popery;" or, on the contrary, 
 how it will rise when the same multitude, as it 
 sometimes happens, cry out in the same breath, 
 " The Church is in danger." 
 
 As soon as I had finished this my glass, and ad- 
 justed it to the abovementioned scale of religion ; 
 that I might make proper experiments with it, I 
 carried it under my cloke to several coffee-houses, 
 and other places of resort about this great city. At 
 St. James's Coffee-house the liquor stood at Mode- 
 ration : but at Will's, to my great surprize, it sub- 
 sided to the very lowest mark on the glass. At the 
 Grecian it mounted but just one point higher ; at 
 the Rainbow it still ascended two degrees ; Child's 
 fetched it up to Zeal ; and other adjacent coffee- 
 houses, to Wrath. 
 
 It fell in the lower half of the glass as I went 
 further into the city, until at length it settled at 
 Moderation, where it continued all the time I staid 
 about the Exchange, as also while I passed by the 
 Bank. And here I cannot but take notice, that 
 through the whole course of my remarks, I never 
 observed my glass to rise at the same time the 
 stocks did. 
 
 To complete the experiment, I prevailed upon a 
 friend of mine, who works under me in the Occult 
 Sciences, to make a progress with my glass through
 
 TATLER. 51 
 
 the whole island of Great Britain : and after his 
 return, to present me with a register of his obser- 
 vations. I guessed before-hand at the temper of 
 several places he passed through, by the characters 
 they have had time out of mind. Thus that face- 
 tious divine, Dr. Fuller, speaking of the town of 
 Banbury near a hundred years ago, tells us, it was 
 a place famous for cakes and zeal, which I find by 
 my glass is true to this day, as to the latter part of 
 this description ; though I must confess, it is not in 
 the same reputation for cakes that it was in the 
 time of that learned author ; and thus of other 
 places. In short, I have now by me, digested in an 
 alphabetical order, all the counties, corporations, 
 and boroughs in Great Britain, with their respective 
 tempers, as they stand related to my Thermometer. 
 But this I shall keep to myself, because I would by 
 no means do any thing that may seem to influence 
 any ensuing elections. 
 
 The point of doctrine which I would propagate 
 by this my invention, is the same which was long 
 ago advanced by that able teacher Horace, out of 
 whom I have taken my text for this discourse. We 
 should be careful not to over-shoot ourselves in the 
 pursuits even of virtue. Whether Zeal or Mode- 
 ration be the point we aim at, let us keep fire out 
 of the one, and frost out of the other. But, alas ! 
 the world is too wise to want such a precaution. 
 The terms High Church and Low Church, as com- 
 monly used, do not so much denote a principle, as 
 they distinguish a party. They are like words of 
 battle, they have nothing to do with their original 
 signification ; but are only given out to keep a body 
 of men together, and to let them know friends from 
 enemies. 
 
 I must confess I have considered, with some little 
 attention, the influence which the opinions of these
 
 52 TATLBR. NO 221. 
 
 great national sects have upon their practice ; and 
 do look upon it as one of the unaccountable 
 things of our times, that multitudes of honest gen- 
 tlemen, who entirely agree in their lives, should 
 take it in their heads to differ in their religion. 
 
 N221. THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1710. 
 
 -Sicut meus est mos, 
 
 IVetcio quid meditans nugarum, et totus in illiit. 
 
 HOR. 1 Sat. ix. t. 
 
 Musing, as wont, on this and that, 
 Such trifles, as I know not what. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 6. 
 
 As I was this morning going out of my house, a 
 little boy in a black coat delivered me the following 
 letter. Upon asking who he was, he told me, that 
 he belonged to my Lady Gimcrack. I did not at 
 first recollect the name ; but, upon inquiry, I 
 found it to be the widow of Sir Nicholas, whose 
 legacy I lately gave some account of to the world. 
 The letter ran thus : 
 
 "MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I hope you will not be surprised to receive a 
 letter from the widow Gimcrack. You know, Sir, 
 that I have lately lost a very whimsical husband,
 
 N 221. TATLER. S>3 
 
 who I find by one of your last week's Papers, was 
 not altogether a stranger to you. When I married 
 this gentleman, he had a very handsome estate ; 
 but upon buying a set of microscopes, he was chosen 
 a Fellow of the Royal Society ; from which time I 
 do not remember ever to have heard him speak as 
 other people did, or talk in a manner that any of 
 his family could understand him. He used, how- 
 ever, to pass away his time very innocently in con- 
 versation with several members of that learned 
 body ; for which reason, I never advised him against 
 their company for several years, until at last I found 
 his brain quite turned with their discourses. The 
 first symptom which he discovered of his being a 
 Virtuoso, as you call him, poor man ! was about 
 fifteen years ago ; when he gave me positive orders 
 to turn off an old weeding-woman, that had been 
 employed in the family for some years. He told 
 me, at the same time, that there was no such thing 
 in nature as a weed, and that it was his design to let 
 his garden produce what it pleased ; so that, you 
 may be sure, it makes a very pleasant show as it 
 now lies. About the same time he took a humour 
 to ramble up and down the country, and would 
 often bring home with him his pockets full of moss 
 and pebbles. This, you may be sure, gave me a 
 heavy heart ; though at the same time I must needs 
 say, he had the character of a very honest man, not- 
 withstanding he was reckoned a little weak, until 
 he began to sell his estate, and buy those strange 
 baubles that you have taken notice of. Upon Mid- 
 summer-day last, as he was walking with me in the 
 fields, he saw a very odd-coloured butterfly just 
 before us. I observed that he immediately changed 
 colour, like a man that is surprised with a piece of 
 good luck : and telling me, that it was what he had 
 looked for above these twelve years, he threw off 
 
 F2
 
 54 TATLER. NO 221, 
 
 his coat, and followed it. I lost sight of them both 
 in less than a quarter of an hour ; but my husband 
 continued the chace over hedge and ditch until about 
 sunset; at which time, as I was afterwards told, 
 he caught the butterfly as she rested herself upon a 
 cabbage, near five miles from the place where he 
 first put her up. He was here lifted from the 
 ground by some passengers in a very fainting con- 
 dition, and brought home to me about midnight. 
 His violent exercise threw him into a fever, which 
 grew upon him by degrees, and at last carried him 
 off. In one of the intervals of his distemper he 
 called to me, and, after having excused himself for 
 running out his estate, he told me, that he had al- 
 ways been more industrious to improve his mind 
 than his fortune : and that his family must rather 
 value themselves upon his memory as he was a wise 
 man, than a rich one. He then told me, that it 
 was a custom among the Romans for a man to give 
 his slaves their liberty when he lay upon his death- 
 bed. I could not imagine what this meant, until, 
 after having a little composed himself, he ordered 
 me to bring him a flea which he had kept for several 
 months in a chain, with a design, as he said, to 
 give it its manumission. This was done accordingly. 
 He then made the Will, which I have since seen 
 printed in your Works word for word. Only I must 
 take notice, that you have omitted the codicil, in 
 which he left a large Concha Feneris, as it is there 
 called, to a Member of the Royal Society, who was 
 often with him in his sickness, and assisted him in 
 his will. And now, Sir, I come to the chief busi- 
 ness of my letter, which is to desire your friendship 
 and assistance in the disposal of those many rarities 
 and curiosities which lie upon my hands. If you 
 know any one that has an occasion for a parcel of 
 dried spiders, I will sell them a penny worth. I
 
 NO 221. TATLER. 55 
 
 could likewise let any one have a bargain of cockle- 
 shells. I would also desire your advice, whether I 
 had best sell my beetles in a lump, or by retail. 
 The gentleman above-mentioned, who was my hus- 
 band's friend, would have me make an auction of 
 all his goods, and is now drawing up a catalogue 
 of every particular for that purpose, with the two 
 following words in great letters over the head of 
 them, Auctio Gimcrackiana. But upon talking with 
 him, I began to suspect he is as mad as poor Sir 
 Nicholas was. Your advice in all these particulars 
 will be a great piece of charity to, 
 SIR, 
 
 Your most humble servant, 
 
 ELIZABETH GIMCRACK." 
 
 I shall answer the foregoing letter, and give the 
 widow my best advice, as soon as I can find out 
 chapmen for the wares which she has put off. In 
 the mean time, I shall give my reader the sight of a 
 letter, which I have received from another female 
 correspondent by the same post. 
 
 " GOOD MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I am convinced by a late paper of yours, that a 
 passionate woman, who among the common people 
 goes under the name of a scold, is one of the most 
 insupportable creatures in the world. But, alas ! 
 Sir, what can we do ? I have made a thousand vows 
 and resolutions every morning to guard myself 
 against this frailty ; but have generally broken them 
 before dinner, and could never in my life hold out 
 until the second course was set upon the table. 
 What most troubles me is, that my husband is as 
 patient and good-natured as your own Worship, or 
 any man living can be. Pray give me some direc- 
 tions, for I would observe the strictest and severest
 
 56 TATLER. NO 291. 
 
 rules you can think of to cure myself of this distem- 
 per, which is apt to fall into my tongue every mo- 
 ment. I am, Sir, 
 
 Your most humble servant, &c." 
 
 In answer to this most unfortunate lady I must 
 acquaint her, that there is now in town an ingenious 
 physician of my acquaintance, who undertakes to 
 cure all the vices and defects of the mind by inward 
 medicines or outward applications. I shall give the 
 world an account of his patients and his cures in 
 other Papers, when I shall be more at leisure to 
 treat upon this subject. I shall only here inform my 
 correspondent, that, for the benefit of such ladies 
 as are troubled with virulent tongues, he has pre- 
 pared a cold-bath, over which there is fastened at 
 the end of a long pole, a very copvenient chair, 
 curiously gilt and carved. When the patient is 
 seated in this chair, the doctor lifts up the pole, 
 and gives her two or three total immersions in the 
 cold-bath, until such time as she has quite lost the 
 use of speech. This operation so effectually chills 
 the tongue, and refrigerates the blood, that a wo- 
 man, who at her entrance into the chair is extremely 
 passionate and sonorous, will come out as silent and 
 gentle as a lamb. The doctor told me, he would 
 not practise this experiment upon women of fashion, 
 had not he seen it made upon those of meaner con- 
 dition with very good effect.
 
 NO 222. TATLER. 5f 
 
 N 222. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1T10. 
 
 Chrysidis udas 
 
 JSbrius ante fores extinctd cum face cantat. 
 
 PERSIUS, Sat. v. 165. 
 
 Shall I at Clirybis" door the night prolong 
 With midnight serenade, or drunken song ? 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 8. 
 
 WHEREAS, by .letters from Nottingham, we have 
 advice, that the young ladies of that place complain 
 for want of sleep, by reason of certain riotous lovers, 
 who for this last summer have very much infested 
 the streets of that eminent city, with violins and 
 bass-viols, between the hours of 12 and 4 in the 
 morning, to the great disturbance of many of her 
 Majesty's peaceable subjects : And whereas I have 
 been importuned to publish some edict against those 
 midnight alarms, which, under the name of serenades, 
 do greatly annoy many well-disposed persons, not 
 only in the place above-mentioned, but also in most 
 of the polite towns of this island : I have taken that 
 matter into my serious consideration, and do find 
 that this custom is by no means to be indulged in 
 this country and climate. 
 
 It is indeed very unaccountable, that most of our 
 British youth should take such great delight in these 
 nocturnal expeditions. Your robust true-born Bri- 
 ton, that has not yet felt the force of flames and 
 darts, has a natural inclination to break windows ;
 
 58 TATLER. NO 222. 
 
 while those whose natural ruggedness has been 
 soothed and softened by gentle passions, have as 
 strong a propensity to languish under them, espe- 
 cially if they have a fiddler behind them to utter 
 their complaints ; for, as the custom prevails at pre- 
 sent, there is scarce a young man of any fashion in 
 a corporation, who does not make love with the 
 town-music. The Waits often help him through his 
 courtship ; and my friend Banister * has told me, 
 he was proffered five hundred pounds by a young 
 fellow, to play but one winter under the window of 
 a lady, that was a great fortune, but more cruel 
 than ordinary. One would think they hoped to 
 conquer their mistresses hearts as people tame hawks 
 and eagles, by keeping them awake or breaking their 
 sleep when they are falling into it. 
 
 I have endeavoured to search into the original of 
 this impertinent way of making love, which, accord- 
 ing to some author's, is of great antiquity. If we 
 may believe Monsieur Dacier and other critics, Ho- 
 race's tenth Ode of the third book was originally 
 a Serenade. And if I was disposed to show my 
 learning, I could produce a line of him in another 
 place, which seems to have been the burden of an 
 old heathen Serenade. 
 
 Audis minus, et minus jam, 
 
 " Me tuo longas pereunte noctes, 
 
 " Lydia, dor mis f" HOR. 1 Od. xxv. 8. 
 
 Now less and less assail thine ear 
 These plaints, " Ah ! steepest thou, my dear, 
 " While I, whole nights, thy True-love here 
 " Am dying?" 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 But notwithstanding the opinions of many learned 
 men upon this subject, I rather agree with them 
 
 * Mr. John Banister, a composer, and at the htad of the 
 band in Drury lane.
 
 NO 232. TATLER. 59 
 
 who look upon this custom, as now practised, to have 
 been introduced by castrated musicians ; who found 
 out this method of applying themselves to their mis- 
 tresses at these hours, when men of hoarser voices 
 express their passions in a more vulgar method. 
 It must be confessed, that your Italian eunuchs do 
 practise this manner of courtship to this day. 
 
 But whoever were the persons that first thought 
 of the serenade, the authors of all countries are una- 
 nimous in ascribing the invention to Italy. 
 
 There are two circumstances, which qualified that 
 country above all others for this midnight music. 
 
 The first I shall mention was the softness of their 
 climate. 
 
 This gave the lover opportunities of being abroad 
 in the air, or of lying upon the earth whole hours 
 together, without fear of damps or dews ; but as for 
 our tramontane lovers, when they begin their mid- 
 night complaint with, 
 
 My lodging upon the cold ground is, 
 
 we are not to understand them in the rigour of the 
 letter ; since it would be impossible for a British 
 swain to condole himself long in that situation, with- 
 out dying for his mistress. A man might as well 
 serenade in Greenland as in our region. Milton 
 seems to have had in his thoughts the absurdity of 
 these Northern Serenades, in the censure which he 
 passes upon them: 
 
 Or midnight ball, 
 
 Or Serenade, which the starv'd lover sings 
 To his proud fair, best quitted with disdain. 
 
 The truth of it is, I have often pitied, in a winter 
 night, a vocal musician, and have attributed many 
 of his trills and quaven to the coldness of the 
 weather.
 
 60 TATI.ER. NO 222. 
 
 The second circumstance which inclined the Ita- 
 lians to this custom, was that musical genius which 
 is so universal among them. Nothing is more fre- 
 quent in that country, than to hear a cobler work- 
 ing to an opera-tune. You can scarce see a porter 
 that has not one nail much longer than the rest, 
 which you will find upon inquiry, is cherished for 
 some instrument. In short, there is not a labourer, 
 or handicraft-man, that in the cool of the evening 
 does not relieve himself with solos and sonatas. 
 
 The Italian soothes his mistress with a plaintive 
 voice ; and bewails himself in such melting music, 
 that the whole neighbourhood sympathizes with him 
 in his sorrow. 
 
 Quulis populed mcerens Philomela sub umbrd 
 Flet noctem, ramoque tedens, miserabile carmen 
 Integral, et meestis late loca questibus implet. 
 
 VIRG. Georg. iv. 51 1. 
 
 Thus Philomel beneath the poplar shade 
 With plaintive murmurs warbles through the glade 
 Her notes harmonious tedious nights prolong, 
 And Echo multiplies the mournful song. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 On the contrary, our honest countrymen have so 
 little an inclination to music, that they seldom begin 
 to sing until they are drunk ; which also is usually 
 the time when they are most disposed to serenade.
 
 N 223. TATLER. 61 
 
 N223. TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1710. 
 
 For when upon their ungot heirs, 
 
 Th' entail themselves and all that's theirs, 
 
 What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n, 
 
 Or wager laid at six and seven, 
 
 To pass themselves away, and turn 
 
 Their children's tenants ere they 're born ? HUD. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 1 1 . 
 
 I HAVE been very much solicited by Clarinda, 
 Flavia, and Lysetta, to re-assume my discourse 
 concerning the methods of disposing honourably the 
 unmarried part of the world, and taking off those 
 bars to it, jointures and settlements ; which are not 
 only the greatest impediments towards entering into 
 that state, but also the frequent causes- of distrust 
 and animosity in it after it is consummated. I have 
 with very much attention considered this case ; and 
 among all the observations that I have made through 
 a long course of years, I have thought the coldness 
 of wives to their husbands, as well as disrespect 
 from children- to parents, to arise from this one 
 source. This trade for minds and bodies in the 
 lump, without regard to either, but as they are ac- 
 companied with such sums of money, and such 
 parcels of land, cannot but produce a commerce be- 
 tween the parties concerned, suitable to the mean 
 motives upon which they at first came together. I 
 have heretofore given an account, that this method 
 of making settlements was first invented by a 
 griping lawyer, who made use of the covetous tem- 
 VOL. v. c
 
 6$ TATLKR. NO 223. 
 
 pers of the parents of each side, to force two young 
 people into these vile measures of diffidence, for no 
 other end but to increase the skins of parchment, by 
 which they were put into each other's possession out 
 of each other's power. The law of our country has 
 given an ample and generous provision for the wife, 
 even the third of her husband's estate, and left to 
 her good-humour and his gratitude the expectation 
 of further provision ; but the fantastical method of 
 going further, with relation to their heirs, has a 
 foundation in nothing but pride and folly : for as all 
 men wish their children as like themselves, and as 
 much better as they can possibly, it seems monstrous 
 that we should .give out of ourselves the opportu- 
 nities of rewarding and discouraging them according 
 to their deserts. This wise institution has no more 
 sense in it, than if a man should begin a deed with, 
 " Whereas no man living knows how long he shall 
 continue to be a living creature, or an honest man. 
 And whereas I jB. am going to enter into the state of 
 matrimony with Mrs. D. therefore I shall from 
 henceforth make it indifferent to me whether from 
 this time forward I shall be a fool or a knave. And 
 therefore, in full and perfect health of body, and a 
 sound mind, not knowing which of my children will 
 prove better or worse, I give to my first-born, be he 
 perverse, ungrateful, impious, or cruel, the lump 
 and bulk of my estate ; and leave one year's pur- 
 chase only to each of my younger children whether 
 they shall be brave or beautiful, modest or honour- 
 able, from the time of the date hereof, wherein I 
 resign my senses, and hereby promise to employ 
 my judgment no further in the distribution of my 
 worldly goods from the day of the date hereof; 
 hereby further confessing and covenanting, that I 
 am from henceforth married, and dead in law."
 
 NO 223. TATLER. 63 
 
 There is no man that is conversant in modern set- 
 tlements, but knows this is an exact translation of 
 what is inserted in these instruments. Men's pas- 
 sions could only make them submit to such terms ; 
 and therefore all unreasonable bargains in marriage 
 ought to be set aside, as well as deeds extorted from 
 men under force, or in prison, who are altogether 
 as much masters of their actions, as he that is pos- 
 sessed with a violent passion. 
 
 How strangely men are sometimes partial to 
 themselves, appears by the rapine of him that has a 
 daughter's beauty under his direction. He will 
 make no scruple of using it to force from her lover 
 as much of his estate as is worth ten thousand 
 pounds, and at the same time, as a justice on the 
 bench, will spare no pains to get a man hanged that 
 has taken but a horse from him. 
 
 It is to be hoped the legislature will in due time 
 take this kind of robbery into consideration, and not 
 suffer men to prey upon each other when they are 
 about making the most solemn league, and entering 
 into the strictest bonds. The only sure remedy is, 
 to fix a certain rate on every woman's fortune ; one 
 price for that of a maid, and another for that of a 
 widow : for it is of infinite advantage, that there 
 should be no frauds or uncertainties in the sale of 
 our women. 
 
 If any man should exceed the settled rate, he 
 ought to be at liberty after seven years are over, by 
 which time his love may be supposed to abate a 
 little, if it is not founded upon reason, to renounce 
 the bargain, and be freed from the settlement upon 
 restoring the portion; as a youth married under 
 fourteen years old may be off, if he pleases, when 
 he comes to age, and as a man is discharged from 
 all bargains but that of marriage, made when he is 
 under twenty-one.
 
 64 TATLER. NO 
 
 It grieves me when I consider, that these re- 
 straints upon matrimony take away the advantage 
 we should otherwise have over other countries, 
 which are sunk much by those great checks upon 
 propagation, the convents. It is thought chiefly 
 owing to these, that Italy and Spain want above half 
 their complement of people. Were the price of 
 wives always fixed and settled, it would contribute 
 to filling the nation more than all the encourage- 
 ments that can possibly be given to foreigners to 
 transplant themselves hither. 
 
 I therefore, as censor of Britain, until a law is 
 made, will lay down rules which shall be observed, 
 with penalty of degrading all that break them, into 
 Pretty Fellows, Smarts, Squibs, Hunting -Horns, 
 Drums, and Bagpipes. 
 
 The females that are guilty of breaking my or- 
 ders, I shall respectively pronounce to be Kits, 
 Hornpipes, Dulcimers, and Kettle-drums. Such wi- 
 dows as wear the spoils of one husband, I will bury, 
 if they attempt to rob another. 
 
 I ordain, That no woman ever demand one shil- 
 ling to be paid after her husband's death, more than 
 the very sum she brings him, or an equivalent for it 
 in land. 
 
 That no settlement be made, in which the man 
 settles on his children more than the reversion of the 
 jointure, or the value of it in money; so that at his 
 death, he may in the whole be bound to pay his fa- 
 mily but double to what he has received. I would 
 have the eldest, as well as the rest, have his provi- 
 sion out of this. 
 
 When men are not able to come up to those set- 
 tlements I have proposed, I would have them re- 
 ceive so much of the portion only as they can come 
 up to, and the rest to go to the woman by way of
 
 NO 223. TATLER. 65 
 
 pin-money, or separate maintenance. In this, I 
 think, I determine equally between the two sexes. 
 
 If any lawyer varies from these rules, or is above 
 two days in drawing a marriage-settlement, or uses 
 more words in it than one skin of parchment will 
 contain, or takes above five-pounds for drawing it, 
 I would have him thrown over the bar. 
 
 Were these rules observed, a woman with a small 
 fortune, and a great deal of worth, would be sure 
 to marry according to her deserts, if the man's es- 
 tate were to be less incumbered, in proportion as 
 her fortune is less than he might have with others. 
 
 A man of a great deal of merit, and not much es- 
 tate, might be chosen for his worth ; because it 
 would not be difficult for him to make a settlement. 
 
 The man that loves a woman best, would not 
 lose her for not being able to bid so much as ano- 
 ther, or for not complying with an extravagant 
 demand. 
 
 A fine woman would no more be set up to auction 
 as she is now. When a man puts in for her, her 
 friends or herself take care to publish it ; and the 
 man that was the first bidder is made no other use 
 of but to raise the price. He that loves her will 
 continue in waiting as long as she pleases, if her for- 
 tune be thought equal to his ; and, under pretence 
 of some failure in the rent-roll, or difficulties in 
 drawing the settlement, "he is put off until a better 
 bargain is made with another. 
 
 All the rest of the sex, that are not rich or beau- 
 tiful to the highest degree, are plainly gainers, and 
 would be married so fast, that the least charming of 
 them would soon grow beauties to the bachelors. 
 
 Widows might be easily married, if they would 
 not, as they do now, set up for discreet, only by 
 being mercenary. 
 
 G2
 
 66 TATLER. NO 224. 
 
 The making matrimony cheap and easy would be 
 the greatest discouragement to vice : the limiting 
 the expence of children would not make men ill 
 inclined, or afraid of having them in a regular way ; 
 and the men of merit would not live unmarried, as 
 they often do now, because the goodness of a wife 
 cannot be insured to them ; but the loss of an estate 
 is certain, and a man would never have the af- 
 fliction of a worthless heir added to that of a bad 
 wife. 
 
 I am the more serious, large, and particular on 
 this subject, because my Lucubrations, designed 
 for the encouragement of virtue, cannot have the 
 desired success as long as this incumbrance of set- 
 tlements continues upon matrimony. 
 
 N> 224. THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1710. 
 
 Materiam superabat opus. 
 
 OVID. Met. ii. 5. 
 
 The matter equall'd not the artist's skill. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 13. 
 
 IT is my custom, in a dearth of news, to entertain 
 myself with those collections of advertisements that 
 appear at the end of all our public prints. These I 
 consider as accounts of news from the little world, 
 in the same manner that the foregoing parts of the
 
 NO 224. TATLER. 67. 
 
 paper are from the great. If in one we hear that a 
 sovereign prince is fled from his capital city, in the 
 other we hear of a tradesman who hath shut up his 
 shop, and run away. If in one we find the victory 
 of a general, in the other we see the desertion of a 
 private soldier. I must confess I have a certain 
 weakness in my temper, that4s often very much af- 
 fected by these little domestic occurrences, and 
 have frequently been caught with tears in my eyes 
 over a melancholy advertisement. 
 
 But to consider this subject in its most ridiculous 
 lights, advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. 
 First of all, as they are instruments of ambition. A 
 man that is by no means big enough for the Gazette, 
 may easily creep into the advertisements ; by which 
 means we often see an apothecary in the same paper 
 of news with a plenipotentiary, or a running-foot- 
 man with an ambassador. An advertisement from 
 Piccadilly goes down to posterity with an article 
 from Madrid, and John Bartlett* of Goodman's- 
 fields is celebrated in the same paper with the em- 
 peror of Germany. Thus the fable tells us, that the 
 wren mounted as high as the eagle, by getting upon 
 his back. 
 
 A second use which this sort of writings hath 
 been turned to of late years, has been the manage- 
 ment of controversy : insomuch that above half the 
 advertisements one meets with now-a-days are 
 purely polemical. The inventors of " Strops for 
 razors" have written against one another this way 
 for several years, and that with great bitterness ; as 
 the whole argument pro and con in the case of 
 " the morning gown" is still carried on after the 
 same manner. I need not mention the several pro- 
 
 * A truss-maker.
 
 68 TATLER. % N224. 
 
 prietors of Dr. Anderson's pills ; nor take notice of 
 the many satirical works of this nature so frequently 
 published by Dr. Clark, who has the confidence 
 to advertise upon that learned knight, my very wor- 
 thy friend, Sir William Read: but I shall not in- 
 terpose in their quarrel : Sir William can give him 
 his own in advertisements, that, in the judgment of 
 the impartial, are as well penned as the doctor's. 
 
 The third and last use of these writings is to in- 
 form the world, where they may be furnished with 
 almost every thing that is necessary for life. If a 
 man has pains in his head, colics in his bowels, or 
 spots in his cloaths, he may here meet with proper 
 cures and remedies. If a man would recover a wife 
 or a horse that is stolen or strayed ; if he wants new 
 sermons, electuaries, asses milks, or any thing else, 
 either for his body or mind ; this is the place to look 
 for them in. 
 
 The great art in writing advertisements, is the 
 finding out a proper method to catch the reader's eye, 
 without which a good thing may pass over unob- 
 served, or be lost among commissions of bankrupts. 
 Asterisks and hands were formerly of great use for 
 this purpose. Of late years the N. B. has been 
 much in fashion, as also little cuts or figures, the 
 invention of which we must ascribe to the author of 
 spring-trusses. I must not here omit the blind 
 Italian character, which, being scarce legible, al- 
 ways fixes and detains the eye, and gives the curious 
 reader something like the satisfaction of prying into 
 a secret. 
 
 But the great skill in an advertiser is chiefly seen 
 in the style which he makes use of. He is to 
 mention " the universal esteem, or general repu- 
 tation," of things that were never heard of. If he is 
 a physician or astrologei; he must chajige his
 
 NO 224. TATLER, fi9; 
 
 lodgings frequently ; and, though he never saw any 
 body in them besides his own family, give public 
 notice of it, " for the information of the nobility 
 and gentry." Since I am thus usefully employed in 
 writing criticisms on the works of these diminutive 
 authors, I must not pass over in silence an adver- 
 tisement, which has lately made its appearance, 
 and is written altogether in a Ciceronian manner. 
 It was sent to me, with five shillings, to be inserted 
 among my advertisements ; but as it is a pattern of 
 good writing in this way, I shall give it a place in 
 the body of my paper. 
 
 " The highest compounded spirit of lavender, 
 the most glorious, if the expression may be used, 
 enlivening scent and flavour that can possibly be, 
 which so raptures the spirits, delights the gust, 
 and gives such airs to the countenance, as are not 
 to be imagined but by those that have tried it. The 
 meanest sort of the thing is admired by most gentle- 
 men and ladies; but this far more, as by far it ex- 
 ceeds it, to the gaining among all a more than com- 
 mon esteem. It is sold, in neat flint bottles fit for 
 the pocket, only at the golden Key in Wharton's 
 Court, near Holborn-bars, for three shillings and 
 six-pence, with directions." 
 
 At the same time that I recommend the several 
 flowers in which this spirit of lavender is wrapped 
 up, if the expression may be used, I cannot excuse 
 my fellow-labourers for admitting into their papers 
 several uncleanly advertisements, not at all proper 
 to appear in the works of polite writers. Among 
 these I must reckon the " Carminative Wind- 
 expelling Pills." If the doctor had called them only 
 his Carminative Pills, he had been as cleanly as one 
 could have wished; but the second word entirely 
 destroys the decency of the first. There are other:
 
 TO TATLER. NO 224. 
 
 absurdities of this nature so very gross, that I dare 
 not mention them ; and shall therefore dismiss this 
 subject with a public admonition to Michael Parrot, 
 that he do not presume any more to mention a cer- 
 tain worm he knows of, which, by the way, ha 
 grown seven feet in my memory ; for, if I am not 
 much mistaken, it is the same that was but nine 
 feet long about six months ago. 
 
 By the remarks I have here made, it plainly ap- 
 pears, that a collection of advertisements is a kind 
 of miscellany ; the writers of which, contrary to all 
 authors, excepting men of quality, give money to 
 the booksellers who publish their copies. The genius 
 of the bookseller is chiefly shewn in his method of 
 ranging and digesting these little tracts. The last 
 paper I took up in my hand places them in the fol- 
 lowing order. 
 
 The true Spanish blacking for shoes, &c. 
 
 Pease and plasters, &c. 
 
 Nectar and Ambrosia, &c. 
 
 Four freehold tenements of fifteen pounds per 
 annnm, &o. 
 
 Annotations upon the Tatler, &c. 
 
 The present state of England, &c. 
 
 A commission of bankruptcy being awarded against 
 B. L. bookseller, &c.
 
 NO 225. TATLER. 71 
 
 N225. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1?10. 
 
 Si quid novisti rectiut ittis, 
 
 Candidas imperti ; si non, his utere mecwm. 
 
 HOR. 1 Ep. vi. 67. 
 
 If a better system's thine, 
 
 impart it frankly ; or make use of mine. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 15. 
 
 THE hours which we spend in conversation are the 
 most pleasing of any which we enjoy ; yet, me- 
 thinks, there is very little care taken to improve 
 ourselves for the frequent repetition of them. The 
 common fault in this case is that of growing too in- 
 timate, and falling into displeasing familiarities ; 
 for it is a very ordinary thing for men to make no 
 other use of a close acquaintance with each other's 
 affairs, but to teaze one another with unacceptable 
 allusions. One would pass over patiently such as 
 converse like animals, and salute each other with 
 bangs on the shoulder, sly raps with canes, or other 
 robust pleasantries practised by the rural gentry of 
 this nation : but even among those who should have 
 more polite ideas of things, you see a set of people 
 who invert the design of conversation, and make 
 frequent mention of ungrateful subjects ; nay, men- 
 tion them because they are ungrateful; as if the 
 perfection of society were in knowing how to offend 
 on the one part, and how to bear an offence on the 
 other. In all parts of this populous town, you find
 
 62 TATLKR. NO 225. 
 
 the merry world made up of an active and a passive 
 companion; one who has good nature enough to 
 suffer all his friend shall think fit to say, and one 
 who is resolved to make the most of his good- 
 humour to show his parts. In the trading part of 
 mankind, I have ever observed the jest went by the 
 weight of purses, and the ridicule is made up by the 
 gains which arise from it. Thus the packer allows 
 the clothier to say what he pleases ; and the broker 
 has his countenance ready to laugh with the mer- 
 chant, though the abuse is to fall on himself, be- 
 cause he knows that, as a go-between, he shall find 
 his account in being in the good graces of a man of 
 wealth. Among these just and punctual people the 
 richest man is ever the better jester ; and they know 
 no such thing as a person who shall pretend to a su- 
 perior laugh at a man, who does not make him 
 amends by opportunities of advantage in another 
 kind ; but among people of a different way, where 
 the pretended distinction in company is only what is 
 raised from sense and understanding, it is very ab- 
 surd to carry on a rough raillery so far, as that the 
 whole discourse should turn upon each other's in- 
 firmities, follies, or misfortunes. 
 
 I was this evening with a set of wags of this class. 
 They appear generally by two and two ; and what is 
 most extraordinary, is, that those very persons who 
 are most together appear least of a mind when 
 joined by other company. This evil proceeds from 
 an indiscreet familiarity, whereby a man is allowed 
 to say the most grating thing imaginable to another, 
 and it shall be accounted weakness to show an im- 
 patience for the unkindness. But this and all other 
 deviations from the -design of pleasing each other 
 when we meet, are derived from interlopers in so- 
 ciety ; who want capacity to put in a stock among 
 regular companions, and therefore supply their wants
 
 XO 225. TATLER. 73 
 
 by stale histories, sly observations, and rude hints, 
 which relate to the conduct of others. All coha- 
 bitants in general run into this unhappy fault ; men 
 and their wives break ,into reflections, which are 
 like so much Arabic to the rest of the company ; 
 sisters and brothers often make the like figure, 
 from the same unjust sense of the art of being inti- 
 mate and familiar. It is often said, such a one 
 cannot stand the mention of such a circumstance ; 
 if he cannot, I am sure it is for want of discourse, 
 or a worse reason, that any companion of his touches 
 upon it. 
 
 Familiarity, among the truly well-bred, never 
 gives authority to trespass upon another in the 
 most minute circumstance ; but it allows to be 
 kinder than we ought otherwise to presume to be. 
 Eusebius has wit, humour, and spirit ; but there 
 never was a man in his company who wished he 
 had less ; for he understands familiarity so well, 
 that he knows how to make use of it in a way that 
 neither makes himself or his friend contemptible ; 
 but if any one is lessened by his freedom, it is he 
 himself, who always likes the place, the diet, and 
 the reception, when he is in the company of his 
 friends. Equality is the life of conversation ; and 
 he is as much out who assumes to himself any part 
 above another, as he who considers himself below 
 the rest of the society. Familiarity in inferiors is 
 sauciness ; in superiors, condescension ; neither of 
 which are to have being among companions, the 
 very word implying that they are to be equal. 
 When, therefore, we have abstracted the company 
 from all considerations of their quality or fortune, it 
 will immediately appear, that to make it happy and 
 polite, there must nothing be started which shall 
 discover that our thoughts run upon any such dis- 
 tinctions. Hence it will arise, that benevolence 
 
 VOL. v. H
 
 74 TATLER. NO $J25. 
 
 must become the rule of society, and he that is most 
 obliging must be most diverting. 
 
 This way of talking I am fallen into from the re- 
 flection that I am, wherever I go, entertained with 
 some absurdity, mistake, weakness, or ill-luck of 
 some man or other, whom not only I, but the per- 
 son who makes me those relations, has a value for. 
 It would therefore be a great benefit to the world, 
 if it could be brought to pass, that no story should 
 be a taking one, but what was to the advantage of 
 the person of whom it is related. By this means, he 
 that is now a wit in conversation, would be consi- 
 dered as a spreader of false news is in business. 
 
 But above all, to make a familiar fit for a bosom 
 friend, it is absolutely necessary that we should al- 
 ways be inclined rather to hide than rally each 
 others infirmities. To suffer for a fault is a sort of 
 atonement ; and no body is concerned for the offence 
 for which he has made reparation. 
 
 P. S. I have received the following letter, which 
 rallies me for being witty sooner than I designed ; 
 but I have now altered my resolution, and intend to 
 be facetious until the day in October heretofore men- 
 tioned, instead of beginning from that day. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, Sept. 6, 1710. 
 
 " By your own reckoning, you came yesterday 
 about a month before the time you looked yourself, 
 much to the satisfaction of 
 
 Your most obliged, humble servant, 
 
 PLAIN ENGLISH." 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, September 15. 
 Advices from Madrid of the eighth say, the duke 
 of Anjou, with his court, and all the councils, were 
 preparing to leave that place in a day or two, in order 
 to remove to Valladolid. They add, that the palace 
 was already unfurnished.
 
 NO 226. TATLER. 7 5 
 
 N 226. TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1710. 
 
 Juvenis quondam, nunc femina, Caneus, 
 
 Rursus ft in veterem fato revoluta fignram. 
 
 VIRG. .(En. vi. *48. 
 
 Caeneus, a woman once, and once a man ; 
 
 But ending in the sex she first began. DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 18. 
 
 IT is one of the designs of this paper to transmit to 
 posterity an account of any thing that is monstrous 
 in my own times. For this reason, I shall here pub- 
 lish to the world the life of a person who was neither 
 man nor woman ; as written by one of my ingenious 
 correspondents, who seems to have imitated Plu- 
 tarch in that multifarious erudition, and those occa- 
 sional dissertations, which he has wrought into the 
 body of his history. The life I am putting out is that 
 of Margery, alias John Young, commonly known by 
 the name of Doctor Young ; who, as the town very 
 well knows, was a woman that practised physic in a 
 man's cloaths, and, after having had two wives, and 
 several children, died about a month since. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I here make bold to trouble you with a short 
 account of the famous Doctor Young's life, which 
 you may call, if you please, a second part of the 
 farce of the Sham Doctor. This perhaps will not 
 seem so strange to you, who, if I am not mistaken, 
 have somewhere mentioned with honour your sister
 
 76 TATLER. NO 226. 
 
 Kirleus, as a practitioner both in physic and astro- 
 logy ; but, in the common opinion of mankind, a 
 she-quack is altogether as strange and astonishing a 
 creature, as the Centaur that practised physic in the 
 days of Achilles, or as king Phys in the Rehearsal. 
 ^Esculapius, the great founder of your art, was par- 
 ticularly famous for his beard, as we may conclude 
 from the behaviour of a tyrant, who is branded by 
 heathen historians as guilty both of sacrilege and 
 blasphemy; having robbed the statue of ^Escu- 
 lapius of a thick bushy golden beard, and then al- 
 leged for his excuse, That it was a shame the son 
 should have a beard, when his father Apollo had 
 none. This latter instance, indeed, seems something 
 to favour a female professor, since, as I have been 
 told, the antient statues of Apollo are generally 
 made with the head and face of a woman : nay, 
 I have been credibly informed by those who have 
 seen them both, that the famous Apollo, in the 
 Belvidera, did very much resemble Doctor Young. 
 Let that be as it will, the Doctor was a kind of 
 Amazon in physic, that made as great devastations 
 and slaughters as any of our chief heroes in the 
 art, and was as fatal to the English in these our days, 
 as the famous Joan d'Arc was in those of our fore- 
 fathers. 
 
 " I do not find any thing remarkable in the life 
 which I am about to write till the year 1695; at 
 which time the Doctor, being about twenty-three 
 years old, was brought to-bed of a bastard-child. 
 The scandal of such a misfortune gave so great an 
 uneasiness to pretty Mrs. Peggy, for that was the 
 name by which the Doctor was then called, that 
 she left her family, and followed her lover to Lon- 
 don, with a fixed resolution, some way or other, to 
 recover her lost reputation : but instead of changing 
 her life, which one would have expected from so
 
 NO 226. TATLEft. Tf 
 
 good a disposition of mind, she took it in her head 
 to change her sex. This was soon done by the help of 
 a sword and a pair of breeches. I have reason to 
 believe that her first design was to turn man-mid- 
 wife, having herself had some experience in those 
 affairs : but thinking this too narrow a foundation 
 for her future fortune, she at length bought her a 
 gold-buttoned coat, and set up for a physician. Thus 
 we see the same fatal miscarriage in her youth made 
 Mrs. Young a Doctor, that formerly made one of 
 the same sex a Pope. 
 
 " The Doctor succeeded very well in his business 
 at first ; but very often met with accidents that dis- 
 quieted him. As he wanted that deep magisterial 
 voice which gives authority to a prescription, and 
 is absolutely necessary for the right pronouncing of 
 these words, ' Take these pills,' he unfortunately 
 got the nick-name of the Squeaking Doctor. If 
 this circumstance alarmed the Doctor, there was 
 another which gave him no small disquiet, and very 
 much diminished his gains. In short, he found him- 
 self run down as a superficial prating quack, in all 
 families that had at the head of them a cautious 
 father, or a jealous husband. These would often 
 complain, one among another, that they did not like 
 such a smock-faced physician ; though in truth, had 
 they known how justly he deserved that name, they 
 would rather have favoured his practice, than have 
 apprehended any thing from it. 
 
 " Such were the motives that determined Mrs. 
 Young to change her condition, and take in mar- 
 riage a virtuous young woman, who lived with her 
 in good reputation, and made her the father of a 
 very pretty girl. But this part of her happiness was 
 soon after destroyed, by a distemper which was too 
 hard for our physician, and carried off his first wife. 
 The Doctor had not been a widow long before he
 
 78 TATLER. NO 226'. 
 
 married his second lady, with whom also he lived 
 in very good understanding. It so happened, that 
 the Doctor was with child at the same time that his 
 lady was ; but the little ones coming both together, 
 they passed for twins. The Doctor having entirely 
 established the reputation of his manhood, espe- 
 cially by the birth of the boy of whom he had been 
 lately delivered, and who very much resembles him, 
 grew into good business, and was particularly 
 famous for the cure of venereal distempers ; but 
 would have had much more practice among his own 
 sex, had not some of them been so unreasonable as 
 to demand certain proofs of their cure, which the 
 Doctor was not able to give them. The florid 
 blooming look, which gave, the Doctor some unea- 
 siness at first, instead of betraying his person, only 
 recommended his physic. Upon this occasion I 
 cannot forbear mentioning what I thought a very 
 agreeable surprise ; in one of Moliere's plays, 
 where a young woman applies herself to a sick 
 person in the habit of a quack, and speaks to her 
 patient, who was something scandalized at the 
 youth of his physician, to the following purpose 
 I began to practise in the reign of Francis the 
 First, and am now in the hundred and fiftieth 
 year of my age ; but, by the virtue of my medi- 
 caments, have maintained myself in the same 
 beauty and freshness I had at fifteen. For this 
 reason Hippocrates lays it down as a rule, that a 
 student in .physic should have a sound constitution, 
 and a healthy look ; which indeed seem as neces- 
 sary qualifications for a physician, as a good life 
 and virtuous behaviour for a divine. But to return 
 to our subject. About two years ago the Doctor 
 was very much afflicted with the vapours, which 
 grew upon him to such a degree, that about six 
 .weeks since they made an end of him. His death
 
 N<> 226. TATLER. 79 
 
 discovered the disguise he had acted under, and 
 brought him back again to his former sex. It is 
 said, that at his burial the pall was held up by six 
 women of some fashion. The Doctor left behind 
 him a widow, and two fatherless children, if they 
 may be called so, besides the little boy before- 
 mentioned. In relation to whom we may say of 
 the Doctor, as the good old ballad about The Chil- 
 dren -in the Wood says of the unnatural uncle, that 
 he was father and mother both in one. These are 
 all the circumstances that I could learn of Doctor 
 Young's life, which might have given occasion to 
 many obscene fictions : but as I know those would 
 never have gained a place in your Paper, I have not 
 troubled you with any impertinence of that nature, 
 having stuck to the truth very scrupulously, as I 
 always do when I subscribe myself, Sir, 
 
 Yours, &c. 
 
 I shall add, as a postscript to this letter, that I 
 am informed the famous Saltero, who sells coffee 
 in his- museum at Chelsea, has by him a curiosity, 
 which helped the Doctor to carry on his impos- 
 ture, and will give great satisfaction to the curious 
 inquirer.
 
 80 TATLER. NO 22*. 
 
 NO 227. THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 171O. 
 
 Omnibus invideas, Zoile, nemo till. MARTIAL. 
 
 Thou envy'st all; but no man envies thee. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 20. 
 
 IT is the business of reason and philosophy to soothe 
 and allay the passions of the mind, or turn them to 
 a vigorous prosecution of what is dictated by the 
 understanding. In order to this good end, I would 
 keep a watchful eye upon the growing inclinations of 
 youth, and be particularly careful to prevent their 
 indulging themselves in such sentiments as may 
 imbitter their more advanced age. I have now 
 under cure a young gentleman, who lately commu- 
 nicated to me, that he was of all men living the 
 most miserably envious. I desired the circum- 
 stances of his distemper : upon which, with a sigh 
 that would have moved the most inhuman breast, 
 " Mr. Bickerstaff," said he, " I am nephew to a 
 gentleman of very great estate, to whose favour I 
 have a cousin that has equal pretensions with my- 
 self. This kinsman of mine is a young man of the 
 highest merit imaginable, and has a mind so tender, 
 and so generous, that I can observe he returns my 
 envy with pity. He makes me, upon all occasions, 
 the most obliging condescensions : and I cannot but 
 take notice of the concern he is in, to see my life 
 blasted with this racking passion, though it is against 
 himself. In the presence of my uncle, when I am
 
 N 227. TATLER. 81 
 
 in the room, he never speaks so well as he is capable 
 of; but always lowers his talents and accomplish- 
 ments out of regard to me. What I beg of you. 
 dear Sir, is to instruct me how to love him, as I 
 know he does me : and I beseech you, if possible, to 
 set my heart right ; that it may no longer be tor- 
 mented where it should be pleased, or hate a man 
 whom I cannot but approve." 
 
 The patient gave me this account with such can- 
 dour and openness, that I conceived immediate 
 hopes of his cure ; because, in diseases of the 
 mind, the person affected is half recovered when 
 he is sensible of his distemper. " Sir," said I, " the 
 acknowledgment of your kinsman's merit is a very 
 hopeful symptom ; for it is the nature of persons af- 
 flicted with this evil, when they are incurable, to 
 pretend a contempt of the person envied, if they 
 are taxed with that weakness. A man who is 
 really envious will not allow he is so ; but, upon 
 such an accusation, is tormented with the reflection, 
 that to envy a man is to allow him your superior. 
 But in your case, when you examine the bottom of 
 your heart, I am apt to think it is avarice, which 
 you mistake for envy. Were it not that you have 
 both expectations from the same man, you would 
 look upon your cousin's accomplishments with plea- 
 sure. You, that now consider him as an obstacle 
 to your interest, would then behold him as an orna- 
 ment to your family." I observed my patient upon 
 this occasion recover himself in some measure ; and 
 he owned to me, that " he hoped it was as I ima- 
 gined ; for that in all places, but where he was his 
 rival, he had pleasure in his company." This was 
 the first discourse we had upon this malady ; but I 
 do not doubt but, after two or three more, I shall, 
 by just degrees, soften his envy into emulation. 
 
 Such an envy, as I have here described, may
 
 82 TATJJER. - NO 
 
 possibly enter into an ingenuous mind ; but the 
 envy which makes a man uneasy to himself and 
 others, is a certain distortion and perverseness of 
 temper, that renders him unwilling to be pleased 
 with any thing without him, that has either beauty 
 or perfection in it. I look upon it as a distemper in 
 the mind, which I know no moralist that has de- 
 scribed in this light, when a man cannot discern 
 any thing, which another is master of, that is agree- 
 able. For which reason, I look upon the good- 
 natured man to be endowed with a certain discern- 
 ing faculty, which the envious are altogether de- 
 prived of. Shallow wits, superficial critics, and 
 conceited fops, are with me so many blind men in 
 respect of excellencies. They can behold nothing 
 but faults and blemishes, and indeed see nothing 
 that is worth seeing. Show them a poem, it is 
 stuff; a picture, it is daubing. They find nothing 
 in architecture that is not irregular, or in music that 
 is not out of tune. These men should consider 
 that it is their envy which deforms every thing, and 
 that the ugliness is not in the object, but in the eye. 
 And as for nobler minds, whose merits are either 
 not discovered, or are misrepresented by the en- 
 vious part of mankind, they should rather consider 
 their defamers with pity than indignation. A man 
 cannot have an idea of perfection in another, which 
 he was never sensible of in himself. Mr. Locke 
 tells us, " That upon asking a blind man, what he 
 thought scarlet was ? he answered, That he believed 
 it was like the sound of a trumpet." He was forced 
 to form his conceptions of ideas which he had not, 
 by those which he had. In the same manner, ask 
 an envious man what he thinks of virtue ? he will 
 call it design : what of good nature ? and he will 
 term it dulness. The difference is, that as the 
 person before-mentioned was born blind, your en-
 
 NO 228. TATLER. 83 
 
 vious men have contracted the distemper them- 
 selves, and are troubled with a sort of an acquired 
 blindness. Thus the devil in Milton, though made 
 an angel of light, could see nothing to please him 
 even in Paradise, and hated our first parents, though 
 in their state of innocence. 
 
 N 228. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1710. 
 
 Veniet manus, auxilio qua 
 
 Sit mihi 
 
 HOR. 1 Sat. iv. 141. 
 
 A powerful aid from other hands will come. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 22. 
 
 A MAN of business, who makes a public entertain- 
 ment, may sometimes leave his guests, and beg 
 them to divert themselves as well as they can until 
 his return. I shall here make use of the same pri- 
 vilege, being engaged in matters of some impor- 
 tance relating to the family of the Bickerstaffs, and 
 must desire my readers to entertain one another 
 until I can have leisure to attend them. I have 
 therefore furnished out this paper, as I have done 
 "some few others, with letters of my ingenious cor- 
 respondents, which, I have reason to believe, will 
 please the public as much as my own more ela- 
 borate Lucubrations.
 
 84 TATLER. N 228. 
 
 " SIR, Lincoln, Sept. 9. 
 
 " I have long been of the number of your ad- 
 mirers, and take this opportunity of telling you so. 
 I know not why a man so famed for astrological 
 observations may not be also a good casuist ; upon 
 which presumption it is I ask your advice in an 
 affair, that at present puzzles quite that slender 
 stock of divinity I am master of. I have now been 
 some time in holy orders, and fellow of a certain 
 college in one of the universities ; but, weary of 
 that unactive life, I resolve to be doing good in my 
 generation. A worthy gentleman has lately offered 
 me a fat rectory ; but means, I perceive, his kins- 
 woman should have the benefit of the clergy. I am 
 a novice in the world, and confess it startles me, 
 how the body of Mrs. Abigail can be annexed to the 
 cure of souls. Sir, would you give us, in one of 
 your Tatlers, the original and progress of smock- 
 simony, and show us, that where the laws are silent, 
 men's consciences ought to be so too, you could not 
 more oblige our fraternity of young divines, and 
 among the rest, 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 HIGH-CHURCH." 
 
 I am very proud of having a gentleman of this 
 name for my admirer, and may, some time or other, 
 write such a treatise as he mentions. In the mean 
 time, I do not see why our clergy, who are fre- 
 quently men of good families, should be reproached, 
 if any of them chance to espouse a hand-maid with 
 a rectory in commendam, since the best of our 
 peers have often joined themselves to the daughters 
 of very ordinary tradesmen, upon the same valuable 
 considerations.
 
 N 228. TATLER. 85 
 
 " Globe in Moorfalds, Sept. 16. 
 
 " HONOURED SIR, 
 
 " I have now finished my almanack for the next 
 year, in all the parts of it, except that which con- 
 cerns the weather ; and you having shown yourself, 
 by some of your late works, more weatherwise than 
 any of our astrologers, I most humbly presume to 
 trouble you upon this head. You know very well, 
 that in our ordinary almanacks the wind and rain, 
 snow and hail, clouds and sunshine, have their pro- 
 per seasons, and come up as regularly in their several 
 months as the fruits and plants of the earth. As 
 for my own part, I freely own to you, that I gene- 
 rally steal my weather out of some antiquated alma- 
 nack, that foretold it several years ago. Now, Sir, 
 what I humbly beg of you is, that you would lend 
 me your State weather-glass, in order to fill up this 
 vacant column in my works. This, I know, would 
 sell my almanack beyond any other, and make me 
 a richer man than Poor Robin. If you will not 
 grant me this favour, I must have recourse to my 
 old method, and will copy from an old almanack 
 which I have by me, and which I think was for the 
 year when the great storm was. 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 The most humble of your admirers, 
 
 T. PHILOMATH." 
 
 This gentleman does not consider, what a strange 
 appearance his almanack would make to the igno- 
 rant, should he transpose his weather, as he must do, 
 did he follow the dictates of my glass. What would 
 the world say to see summers filled with clouds and 
 storms, and winters with calms and sunshine ; ac- 
 cording to the variations of the weather, as they 
 might accidentally appear in a State-barometer ? But 
 
 VOL. v. i
 
 86 TATLER. NO 228. 
 
 let that be as it will, I shall apply my own invention 
 to my own use ; and if I do not make my fortune by 
 it, it will be my own fault. 
 
 The next letter comes to me from another self- 
 interested solicitor. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I am going to set up for a Scrivener, and have 
 thought of a project which may turn both to your 
 account and mine. It came into my head, upon 
 reading that learned and useful paper of your's con- 
 cerning advertisements. You must understand, I 
 have made myself master in the whole art of ad- 
 vertising, both as to the style and the letter. Now 
 if you and I could so manage it, that nobody should 
 write advertisements besides myself, or print them 
 any where but in your paper, we might both of us 
 get estates in a little time. For this end I would 
 likewise propose, that you should enlarge the de- 
 sign of advertisements, and have sent you two or 
 three samples of my work in this kind, which I 
 have made for particular friends, and intend to open 
 shop with. The first is for a gentleman, who 
 would willingly marry, if he could find a wife to 
 his liking ; the second is for a poor whig, who is 
 lately turned out of his post ; and the third for a 
 person of a contrary party, who is willing to get 
 into one." 
 
 " Whereas A. B. next door to the Pestle and 
 Mortar, being about 30 years old, of a spare make, 
 with dark-coloured hair, bright eye, and a long nose, 
 has occasion for a good-humoured, tall, fair, young 
 woman, of about 3OOO/. fortune ; these are to 
 give notice, that if any such young woman has a 
 mind to dispose of herself in marriage to such a per- 
 son as the abovementioned, she may be provided
 
 NO 229. TATLER. 87 
 
 with a husband, a coach and horses, and proportion- 
 able settlement." 
 
 " C. D. designing to quit his place, has great 
 quantities of paper, parchment, ink, wax, and wa- 
 fers, to dispose of, which will be sold at very rea- 
 sonable rates." 
 
 " E. F. a person of good behaviour, six feet high, 
 of a black complexion, and sound principles, wants 
 an employ. He is an excellent penman and ac- 
 comptant, and speaks French." 
 
 N 9 229. TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1710. 
 
 Qutesiiam meritis sume superbiam. 
 
 HOR. 3 Od. xxx 13. 
 
 With conscious pride 
 
 Assume the honours justly thine. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 25. 
 
 THE whole creation preys upon itself. Every living 
 creature is inhabited. A flea has a thousand invisi- 
 ble insects that teaze him as he jumps from place to 
 place, and revenge our quarrels upon him. A very 
 ordinary microscope shews us, that a louse is itself 
 a very lousy creature. A whale, besides those seas 
 and oceans in the several vessels of his body, which 
 are filled with innumerable shoals of little animals, 
 carries about him a whole world of inhabitants ; in- 
 somuch that, if we believe the calculations some
 
 88 TATLER. NO 229. 
 
 have made, there are more living creatures, which 
 are too small for the naked eye to behold, about the 
 Leviathan, than there are of visible creatures upon 
 the face of the whole earth. Thus every nobler crea- 
 ture 13, as it were, the basis and support of multi- 
 tudes that are his inferiors. 
 
 This consideration very much comforts me, when 
 I think on those numberless vermin that feed upon 
 this paper, and find their sustenance out of it ; I 
 mean the small wits and scribblers, that every day 
 turn a penny by nibbling at my Lucubrations. This 
 has been so advantageous to this little species of 
 writers, that, if they do me justice, I may expect to 
 have my statue erected in Grub-street, as being a 
 common benefactor to that quarter. 
 
 They say, when a fox is very much troubled with 
 fleas, he goes into the next pool with a little lock of 
 wool in his mouth, and keeps his body under water 
 until the vermin get into it ; after which he quits the 
 wool, and diving, leaves his tormenters to shift for 
 themselves, and get their livelihood where they can. 
 I would have these gentlemen take care that I do 
 not serve them after the same manner ; for though I 
 have hitherto kept my temper pretty well, it is not 
 impossible but I may some time or other disappear ; 
 and what will then become of them ? Should I 
 lay down my paper, what a famine would there be 
 among the hawkers, printers, booksellers, and au- 
 thors ! It would be like Doctor Burgess's dropping 
 his cloak, with the whole congregation hanging upon 
 the skirts of it. To enumerate some of these my 
 doughty antagonists; I was threatened to be an- 
 swered weekly Tit for Tat ; I was undermined by 
 the Whisperer; haunted by Tom Brown's Ghost; 
 scolded at by a Female Toiler; and slandered by 
 another of the same character, under the title of Ata- 
 lantis. I have been annotated, retattled, examined^
 
 NO 229. TATLER. 89 
 
 and condoled; but it being my standing maxim 
 never to speak ill of the dead, I shall let these authors 
 rest in peace ; and take great pleasure in thinking, 
 that I have sometimes been the means of their get- 
 ting a belly-full. When I see myself thus surrounded 
 by such formidable enemies, I often think of the 
 Knight of the Red Cross in Spenser's " Den of Er- 
 ror," who, after he has cut off the dragon's head, and 
 left it wallowing in a flood of ink, sees a thousand 
 monstrous reptiles making their attempts upon him, 
 one with many heads, another with none, and all of 
 them without eyes. 
 
 The same so sore annoyed has the Knight, 
 That, well nigh choaked with the deadly stink, 
 His forces fail, he can no longer fight ; 
 Wh'se courage when the fiend perceiv'd to shrink, 
 She poured forth out of her hellish sink 
 Her fruitful cursed spawn of serpents small, 
 Deformed monsters, foul, and black as ink ; 
 Which swarming all about his legs did crawl, 
 And him encumbered sore, but could not hurt at all. 
 
 As gentle shepherd in sweet even tide, 
 When ruddy Phrebus gins to welk in west, 
 High on an hill, his flock to viewen wide, 
 Marks which do bite their hasty supper best ; 
 A cloud of cumbrous gnats do him molest, 
 All striving to enfix their feeble stings, 
 That from their noyance he no where can rest ; 
 But with his clownish hands their tender wings 
 He brusbeth oft, and oft doth mar their murmurings. 
 
 If ever I should want such a fry of little authors 
 to attend me, I shall think my paper in a very de- 
 caying condition. They are like ivy about an oak, 
 which adorns the tree at the same time that it eats 
 into it ; or like a great man's equipage, that do ho- 
 nour to the person on whom they feed. For my 
 part, when I see myself thus attacked, I do not con- 
 i2
 
 90 TATLER. N 230. 
 
 sider my antagonists as malicious, but hungry >' 
 and therefore am resolved never to take any notice 
 of them. 
 
 As for those who detract from my labours, without 
 being prompted to it by an empty stomach ; in return 
 to their censures, I shall take pains to excel, and 
 never fail to persuade myself, that their enmity is 
 nothing but their envy or ignorance. 
 
 Give me leave to conclude, like an old man, and 
 a moralist, with a fable. 
 
 The owls, bats, and several other birds of night, 
 were one day got together in a thick shade, where 
 they abused their neighbours in a very sociable man- 
 ner. Their satire at last fell upon the sun, whom 
 they all agreed to be very troublesome, impertinent, 
 and inquisitive. Upon which the sun, who over- 
 heard them, spoke to them after this manner. " Gen- 
 tlemen, I wonder how you dare abuse one that, 
 you know, could in an instant scorch you up, and 
 burn every mother's son of you; but the only answer 
 I shall give you, or the revenge I shall take of you, 
 is, to ' shine on'." 
 
 N 230. THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 171O. 
 
 FrOm my own Apartment, September 28. 
 
 THE following letter has laid before me many great 
 and manifest evils in the world of letters, which I 
 had overlooked ; but they open to me a very busy 
 scene, and it will require no small care and applica- 
 tion to amend errors which are become so universal.
 
 NO 23O. TATLER. 91 
 
 The affectation of politeness is exposed in this epistle 
 with a great deal of wit and discernment ; so that 
 whatever discourses I may fall into hereafter upon 
 the subjects the writer treats of, I shall at present 
 lay the matter before -the world, without the least 
 alteration from the words of my correspondent. 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " There are some abuses among us of great con- 
 sequence, the refonnation of which is properly your 
 province ; though as far as I have been conversant 
 in your papers, you have not yet considered them. 
 These are, the deplorable ignorance that for some 
 years hath reigned among our English writers, the 
 great depravity of our taste, and the continual cor- 
 ruption of our style. I say nothing here of those 
 who handle particular sciences, Divinity, Law, Phy- 
 sic, and the like ; I mean the traders in history, 
 politics, and the Belles Lettres ; together with those 
 by whom books are not translated, but as the com- 
 mon expressions are, done out of French, Latin, or 
 other language, and made English. I cannot but 
 observe to you, that until of late years a Grub-street 
 book was always bound in sheep-skin, with suita- 
 ble print and paper, the price never above a shilling, 
 and taken off wholly by common tradesmen or coun- 
 try pedlars : but now they appear in all sizes and 
 shapes, and in all places. They are handed about 
 from lapfuls in every coffee-house to persons of 
 quality; are shewn in Westminster-hall and the Court 
 of Requests. You may see them gilt, and in royal 
 paper of five or six hundred pages, and rated accor- 
 dingly. I would engage to furnish you with a cata- 
 logue of English books, published within the compass 
 of seven years past, which at the first hand would
 
 92 TATLER. NO 230- 
 
 cost you a hundred pounds, wherein you shall not 
 be able to find ten lines together of common gram- 
 mar or common sense. 
 
 " These two evils, ignorance, and want of taste, 
 have produced a third; I mean the continual corrup- 
 tion of our English tongue, which, without some 
 timely remedy, will suffer more by the false refine- 
 ments of twenty years past, than it hath been im- 
 proved in the foregoing hundred. And this is what 
 I design chiefly to enlarge upon, leaving the former 
 evils to your animadversion. 
 
 " But instead of giving you a list of the late re- 
 finements crept into our language, I here send you 
 the copy of a letter I received, some time ago, from 
 a most accomplished person in this way of writing ; 
 upon which I shall make some remarks. It is in 
 these terms : 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I Cou'd n't get the things you sent for all about 
 
 Town / Ihot to ha come down myself, and then 
 
 I'd h' br6t 'urn; but I ha'nt don't, and I believe I 
 
 can't do't, that's Pozz Tom begins to gi'nse//airs, 
 
 because he's going with the Plenipo's Tis said, 
 
 the French king will bnmboozl us agen, which causes 
 many speculations. The Jacks and others of that 
 Kidney are very uppish and alert upon't, as you may 
 
 see by their Phizzs W ill Hazard has got the 
 
 Hipps, having lost to the Tune of five hund'rd pound, 
 tho' he understands play very well, no Body better. 
 He has promis't me upon Rep, to leave off play ; but 
 you know 'tis a weakness he's too apt to give into, 
 tho' he has as much wit as any man, no Body more. 
 
 He has lain incog ever since The Mobb's very 
 
 quiet with us now 1 believe you that I banter' 'd 
 
 you in my last, like a Country Put 1 shan't leave 
 
 town this month, $c."
 
 NO <23O. TATLKR. 93 
 
 " This letter is in every point an admirable pat- 
 tern of the present polite way of writing; nor is it of 
 less authority for being an epistle. You may gather 
 every flower in it, with a thousand more of equal 
 sweetness, from the books, pamphlets, and single 
 papers offered us every day in the coffee-houses: and 
 these are the beauties introduced to supply the want 
 of wit, sense, humour, and learning, which formerly 
 were looked upon as qualifications for a writer. If 
 a man of wit, who died forty years ago, were to rise 
 from the grave on purpose, how would he be able 
 to read this letter ? and after he had got through 
 that difficulty, how would he be able to understand 
 it? The first thing that strikes your eye, is the 
 breaks at the end of almost every sentence; of which 
 I know not the use, only that it is a refinement, 
 and very frequently practised. Then you will ob- 
 serve the abbreviations and elisions, by which con- 
 sonants of most obdurate sound are joined together, 
 without one softening vowel to intervene ; and all 
 this only to make one syllable of two, directly con- 
 trary to the example of the Greeks and Romans, alto- 
 gether of the Gothic strain, and a natural tendency 
 towards relapsing into barbarity, which delights in 
 monosyllables, and uniting of mute consonants, as 
 it is observable in all the Northern languages. And 
 this is still more visible in the next refinement, 
 which consists in pronouncing the first syllable in a 
 word that has many, and dismissing the rest, such 
 as Phizz, Hipps, Mobb, Pozz, Pep, and many 
 more, when we are already overloaded with mono- 
 syllables, which are the disgrace of our language. 
 Thus we cram one syllable, and cut off the rest, as 
 the owl fattened her mice after she had bit off their 
 legs to prevent them from running away ; and if 
 ours be the same reason for maiming our words, it 
 will certainly answer the end ; for I am sure no other
 
 D4 TATLER. NO 230. 
 
 nation will desire to borrow them. Some words are 
 hitherto but fairly split, and therefore only in their 
 way to perfection, as Incog, and Plenipo : but in a 
 short time, it is to be hoped, they will be further 
 docked to Inc. and Plan. This reflection has made 
 me of late years very impatient for a peace, which I 
 believe would save the lives of many brave words, 
 as well as men. The war has introduced abundance 
 of polysyllables, which will never be able to live 
 many more campaigns, Speculations, Operations, 
 Preliminaries, Ambassadors, Pallisadoes, Commu- 
 nication, Circumvallation, Battalions; as numerous 
 as they are, if they attack us too frequently in our 
 coffee-houses, we shall certainly put them to flight, 
 and cut off the rear. 
 
 " The third refinement observable in the letter I 
 send you, consists in the choice of certain words in- 
 vented by some pretty fellows, such as Banter, Bam- 
 boozle, Country Put, and Kidney, as it is there ap- 
 plied; some of which are now struggling for the 
 vogue, and others are in possession of it. I have 
 done my utmost for some years past to stop the pro- 
 gress of Mbb and Banter, but have been plainly 
 borne down by numbers, and betrayed by those who 
 promised to assist me. 
 
 " In the last place, you are to take notice of certain 
 choice phrases scattered through the letter, some of 
 them tolerable enough, until they were worn to rags 
 by servile imitators. You might easily find them 
 though they were not in a different print, and there- 
 fore I need not disturb them. 
 
 " These are the false refinements in our style 
 which you ought to correct : first, by argument and 
 fair means ; but, if those fail, I think you are to 
 make use of your authority as Censor, and by an 
 annual Index Expurgatorius expunge all words and 
 phrases that are offensive to good sense, and con-
 
 NO 230. TATLER. 95 
 
 demn these barbarous mutilations of vowels and 
 syllables. In this last point the usual pretence is, 
 that they spell as they speak. A noble standard for 
 language ! to depend upon the caprice of every cox- 
 comb, who, because words are the cloathing of our 
 thoughts, cuts them out and shapes them as he pleas- 
 es, and changes them oftener than his dress. I be- 
 lieve all reasonable people would be content that 
 such refiners were more sparing in their words, and 
 liberal in their syllables: and upon this head I should 
 be glad you would bestow some advice upon several 
 young readers in our churches, who, coming up 
 from the university full fraught with admiration of 
 our town politeness, will needs correct the style of 
 their prayer-books. In reading the Absolution, they 
 are very careful to say Pardons and Absolves; and 
 in the prayer for the Royal Family, it must be endue 1 
 urn, enrich'vm, prosper'um, and bring'um. Then 
 in their sermons they use all the modern terms of 
 art, Sham, Banter, Mob, Bubble, Bully, Cutting, 
 Shuffling, and Palming ; all which, and many more 
 of the like stamp, as I have heard them often in the 
 pulpit from such young sophisters, so I have read 
 them in some of ' those sermons that have made most 
 noise of late.' The design, it seems, is to avoid the 
 dreadful imputation of pedantry ; to show us that 
 they know the town, understand men and manners, 
 and have not been poring upon old unfashionable 
 books in the university. 
 
 " I should be glad to see you the instrument of 
 introducing into our style that simplicity which is 
 the best and truest ornament of most things in life, 
 which the politer ages always aimed at in their build- 
 ing and dress, simplex munditiis, as well as their 
 productions of wit. It is manifest that all new af- 
 fected modes of speech, whether borrowed from the 
 court, the town, or the theatre, are the first
 
 96 TATLKR. NO 231. 
 
 perishing parts in any language; and, as I could prove 
 by many hundred instances, have been so in ours. 
 The writings of Hooker, who was a country clergy- 
 man, and of Parsons the Jesuit, both in the reign of 
 Queen Elizabeth, are in a style that, with very few 
 allowances, would not offend any present reader, and 
 are much more clear and intelligible than those of 
 Sir Harry Wooton, Sir Robert Naunton, Osborn, Da- 
 niel the historian, and several others who writ later ; 
 but being men of the court, and affecting the phrases 
 then in fashion, they are often either not to be under- 
 stood, or appear perfectly ridiculous. 
 
 " What remedies are to be applied to these evils, 
 I have not room to consider, having, I fear, already 
 taken up most of your paper. Besides, I think it is 
 our office only to represent abuses, and yours to re- 
 dress them. I am, with great respect, Sir, 
 
 " Yours, &c. 
 
 N 231. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1710. 
 
 Principiis olsta 
 
 OVID. Rem. Amor. ver. 91. 
 
 Prevent the growing evil 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, September 29. 
 THERE are very many ill habits that might with 
 much ease have been prevented, which, after we 
 have indulged ourselves in them, become incorrigi-
 
 NO 231. TATLEft. 97 
 
 ble. We have a sort of proverbial expression of 
 " Taking a woman down in her wedding shoes," if 
 you would bring her to reason. An early behaviour 
 of this sort had a very remarkable good effect in a 
 family, wherein I was several years an intimate 
 acquaintance. 
 
 A gentleman in Lincolnshire had four daughters, 
 three of which were early married very happily ; 
 but the fourth, though no way inferior to any of her 
 sisters, either in person or accomplishments, had 
 from her infancy discovered so imperious a temper, 
 usually called a High Spirit, that it continually made 
 great uneasiness in the family, became her known 
 character in the neighbourhood, and deterred all 
 her lovers from declaring themselves. However, in 
 process of time, a gentleman of a plentiful fortune 
 and long acquaintance, having observed that quick- 
 ness of spirit to be her only fault, made his addresses, 
 and obtained her consent in due form. The law- 
 yers finished the writings, in which, by the way, 
 there was no pin-money ; and they were married. 
 After a decent time spent in the father's house, the 
 bridegroom we*nt to prepare his seat for her recep- 
 tion. During the whole course of his courtship, 
 though a man of the most equal temper, he had 
 artificially lamented to her, that he was the most 
 passionate creature breathing, By this one intimation, 
 he at once made her understand warmth of temper 
 to be what he ought to pardon in her, as well as that 
 he alarmed her against that constitution in himself. 
 She at the same time thought herself highly obliged 
 by the composed behaviour which he maintained in 
 her presence. Thus far he with great success soothed 
 her from being guilty of violences, and still resolved 
 to give her such a terrible apprehension of his fiery 
 spirit, that she should never dream of giving way to 
 her own. He returned on the day appointed for 
 
 VOL. v. K
 
 98 TATLKR. NO 231. 
 
 carrying her home ; but, instead of a coach and six 
 horses, together with the gay equipage suitable to 
 the occasion, he appeared without a servant, mount- 
 ed on the skeleton of a horse, which his huntsman 
 had, the day before, brought in to feast his dogs on 
 the arrival of their new mistress, with a pillion fixed 
 behind, and a case of pistols before him, attended 
 only by a favourite hound. Thus equipped, he in 
 a very obliging, but somewhat positive manner, de- 
 sired his Lady to seat herself on the cushion ; which 
 done, away they crawled. The road being obstructed 
 by a gate, the dog was commanded to open it : the 
 poor cur looked up and wagged his tail : but the 
 master, to show the impatience of his temper, drew 
 a pistol, and shot him dead. He had no sooner done 
 it, but he fell into a thousand apologies for his un- 
 happy rashness, and begged as many pardons for 
 his excesses before one for whom he had so profound 
 a respect. Soon after their steed stumbled, but 
 with some difficulty recovered : however, the bride- 
 groom took occasion to swear, if he frightened his 
 wife so again, he would run him through ! And 
 alas ! the poor animal, being now almost tired, made 
 a second trip ; immediately on which the careful 
 husband alights, and, with great ceremony, first 
 takes off his Lady, then the accoutrements, draws 
 his sword, and saves the huntsman the trouble of 
 killing him : then says to his wife, " Child, pr'ythee 
 take up the saddle ;" which she readily did, and 
 tugged it home, where they found all things in the 
 greatest order, suitable to their fortune and the pre- 
 sent occasion. Some time after, the father of the 
 Lady gave an entertainment to all his daughters and 
 their husbands ; where, when the wives were retired, 
 and the gentlemen passing a toast about, our last 
 married man took occasion to observe to the rest of 
 his brethren, how much, to his great satisfaction, he
 
 NO 231. TATLER. 99 
 
 found the world mistaken as to the temper of his 
 Lady, for that she was the most meek and humble 
 woman breathing. The applause was received with 
 a loud laugh : but, as a trial which of them would 
 appear the most master at home, he proposed they 
 should all by turns send for their wives down to them. 
 A servant was dispatched, and answer was made by 
 one, " tell him I will come by-and-by ;" and another, 
 " that she would come when the cards were out of 
 her hand ;" and so on. But no sooner was her hus- 
 band's desire whispered in the ear of our last married 
 lady, but the cards were clapped on the table, and 
 down she comes with, " My dear, would you speak 
 with me ?" He receives her in his arms, and, after 
 repeated caresses, tells her the experiment, confesses 
 his good-nature, and assures her, that since she 
 could now command her temper, he would no longer 
 disguise his own. 
 
 I received the following letter with a dozen of 
 wine, and cannot but do justice to the liquor, and 
 give my testimony, " That I have tried it upon seve- 
 ral of my acquaintance, who were given to imperti- 
 nent abbreviations, with great success." 
 
 " MR. BICKEHSTAFr, 
 
 " I send you by this bearer, and not per bearer, 
 a dozen of that claret which is to be sold at Garra- 
 way's coffee-house, on Thursday the fifth day of 
 October next. I can assure you I have found by 
 experience the efficacy of it, in amending a fault you 
 complain of in your last. The very first draught of 
 it has some effect on the speech of the drinker, and 
 restores all the letters taken away by the elisions so 
 justly complained of. Will Hazard was cured of his 
 Hypochondria by three glasses ; and the gentleman,
 
 100 TATLER. NO 232. 
 
 who gave you an account of his late indisposition, 
 has in public company, after the first quart, spoke 
 every syllable of the word Plenipotentiary. 
 
 " Yours, &c." 
 
 N 232. TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1710. 
 
 from my own Apartment, October 2. 
 I HAVE received the following letter from my un- 
 fortunate old acquaintance the upholsterer, who, 
 I observed, had long absented himself from the 
 bench at the upper end of the Mall. Having not 
 seen him for some time, I was in fear I should soon 
 hear of his death ; especially since he never appear- 
 ed, though the noons have been of late pretty warm, 
 and the councils at that place very full from the hour 
 of twelve to three, which the sages of that board 
 employ in conference, while the unthinking part of 
 mankind are eating and drinking for the support 
 of their own private persons, without any regard 
 to the public. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I should have waited on you very frequently to 
 have discoursed you upon some matters of moment, 
 but that I love to be well informed in the subject 
 upon which I consult my friends, before I enter 
 into debate with them. I have therefore, with the 
 utmost care and pains, applied myself to the reading 
 all the writings and pamphlets which have come out 
 since the trial, and have studied night and day in
 
 No 232. TATLER. 101 
 
 order to be master of the whole controversy : but 
 the authors are so numerous and the state of affairs 
 alters so very fast, that I am now a fortnight behind- 
 hand in my reading, and know only how things 
 stood twelve days ago. I wish you would enter into 
 those useful subjects ; for if I may be allowed to 
 say so, these are no times to jest in. As for my 
 own part, you know very well that I am of a public 
 spirit, and never regarded my own interest, but 
 looked further; and let me tell you, that while 
 some people are minding only themselves and fami- 
 lies, and others are thinking only of their own coun- 
 try, things go on strangely in the north. I foresee 
 very great evils arising from the neglect of transac- 
 tions at a distance ; for which reason I am now writ- 
 ing a letter to a friend in the country, which I design 
 as an answer to the Czar of Muscovy's letter to the 
 Grand Seignior concerning his Majesty of Sweden. 
 I have endeavoured to prove, that it is not reason- 
 able to expect that his Swedish Majesty should leave 
 Bender without forty thousand men ; and I have 
 added to this an apology for the Cossacks. But the 
 matter multiplies upon me, and I grow dim with 
 much writing; therefore desire, if you have an old 
 green pair of spectacles, such as you used about 
 your fiftieth year, that you would send them to me ; 
 as also, that you will please to desire Mr. Morphew 
 to send me in a bushel of coals on the credit of my 
 answer to his Czai ian Majesty ; for I design it shall 
 be printed for Morphew, and the weather grows 
 sharp. I shall take it kindly if you would order 
 him also to send me the papers as they come out. 
 If there are no fresh pamphlets published, I compute 
 that I shall know before the end of next month 
 what has been done in town to this day. If it were 
 not for an ill custom lately introduced by a certain 
 author, of talking Latin at the beginning of papers, 
 K V
 
 102 TATLER. NO 23<2. 
 
 matters would be in a much clearer light than they 
 are: but, to our comfort, there are solid writers who 
 are not guilty of this pedantry. The Post-man 
 writes like an angel. The Moderator is fine reading. 
 It would do you no harm to read the Post-boy with 
 attention ; he is very deep of late. He is instructive ; 
 but I confess a little satirical : a sharp pen ! he cares 
 not what he says. The Examiner is admirable, and 
 is become a grave and substantial author. But, 
 above all, I am at a loss how to govern myself in my 
 judgment of those whose whole writings consist in 
 interrogatories : and then the way of answering, by 
 proposing questions as hard to them, is quite as ex- 
 traordinary. As for my part, I tremble at these no- 
 velties ; we expose, in my opinion, our affairs too 
 much by it. You may be sure the French king will 
 spare no cost to come at the reading of them. I 
 dread to think if the fable of the Blackbirds should 
 fall into his hands. But I shall not venture to say 
 more until I see you. In the mean time, 
 
 I am, &c. 
 
 " P. S. I take the Bender letter, in the Examiner, 
 to be spurious." 
 
 This unhappy correspondent, whose fantastical 
 loyalty to the king of Sweden has reduced him to 
 this low condition of reason and fortune, would ap- 
 pear much more monstrous in his madness, did we 
 not see crowds very little above his circumstances 
 from the same cause, a passion to politics. 
 
 It is no unpleasant entertainment to consider the 
 commerce even of the sexes interrupted by differ- 
 ence in state affairs. A wench and her gallant 
 parted last week upon the words unlimited and pas- 
 sive ; and there is such a jargon of terms got into the 
 mouths of the very silliest of the women, that you
 
 NO 232. TATLER. 103" 
 
 cannot come into a room even among them, but you 
 find them divided into Whig and Tory. What 
 heightens the humour is, that all the hard words 
 they know, they certainly suppose to be terms use- 
 ful in the disputes of the parties. I came in this 
 day where two were in very hot debate ; and one of 
 them proposed to me to explain to them what was 
 the difference between circumcision and predestina- 
 tion. You may be sure I was at a loss ; but they 
 were too angry at each other to wait for my expla- 
 nation, and proceeded to lay open the whole state of 
 affairs, instead of the usual topics of dress, gallantry, 
 and scandal. 
 
 I have often wondered how it should be possible 
 that this turn to politics should so universally prevail 
 to the exclusion of every other subject out of conver- 
 sation ; and, upon mature consideration, find it is 
 for want of discourse. Look round you among all 
 the young fellows you meet, and you see those who 
 have the least relish for books, company, or plea- 
 sure, though they have no manner of qualities to 
 make them succeed in those pursuits, shall make very 
 passable politicians. Thus the most barren inven- 
 tion shall find enough to say to make one appear an 
 able man in the top coffee-houses. It is but adding 
 a certain vehemence in uttering yourself, let the 
 thing you say be never so flat, and you shall be 
 thought a very sensible man, if you were not too 
 hot. As love and honour are the noblest motives of 
 life : so the pretenders to them, without being ani- 
 mated by them, are the most contemptible of all sorts 
 of pretenders. The unjust affectation of any thing 
 that is laudable is ignominious in proportion to the 
 worth of the thing we affect ; thus, as love of one's 
 country is the moot glorious of all passions, to see the 
 most ordinary tools in a nation give themselves airs
 
 104 TATLER. NO 233. 
 
 that way, without any one good quality in their own 
 life, has something in it romantic, yet not so ridi- 
 culous as odious. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 *** Mr. Bickerstaff has received Sylvia's letter 
 from The Bath, and his sister is set out thither. 
 Tom Frontley, who is one of the guides for the town, 
 is desired to bring her into company, and oblige her 
 with a mention in his next lampoon. 
 
 N233. THURSDAY, OCTOBERS, 171O. 
 
 Sunt certa piacula, qute te 
 
 Ter pure lecto poterunt recreare libello. 
 
 HOR. 1 Ep. i. 36. 
 
 And, like a charm, to th' upright mind and pure, 
 If thrice read o'er, will yield a certain cure. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 4. 
 
 WHEN the mind has been perplexed with anxious 
 cares and passions, the best method of bringing it 
 to its usual state of tranquillity is, as much as we 
 possibly can, to turn our thoughts to the adversities 
 of persons of higher consideration in virtue and merit 
 than ourselves. By this means all the little incidents 
 of our own lives, if they are unfortunate, seem to be 
 the effect of justice upon our faults and indiscre-
 
 NO 233. TATLKR. 105 
 
 lions. When those whom we know to be excellent, 
 and deserving of a better fate, are wretched, we can- 
 not but resign ourselves, whom most of us know to 
 merit a much worse state than that we are placed in. 
 For such and many other occasions, there is one 
 admirable relation which one might recommend for 
 certain periods of one's life, to touch, comfort, and 
 improve the heart of man. Tully says somewhere, 
 " the pleasures of an husbandman are next to those 
 of a philosopher." In like manner one may say, for 
 methinks they bear the same proportion one to ano- 
 ther, the pleasures of humanity are next to those of 
 devotion. In both these latter satisfactions, there 
 is a certain humiliation which exalts the soul above 
 its ordinary state. At the same time that it lessens 
 our value of ourselves, it enlarges our estimation of 
 others. The history I am going to speak of, is that 
 of Joseph in Holy Writ, which is related with such 
 majestic simplicity, that all the parts of it strike us 
 with strong touches of nature and compassion ; and 
 he must be a stranger to both, who can read it witli 
 attention, and not be overwhelmed with the vicissi- 
 tudes of joy and sorrow. I hope it will not be a 
 prophanation, to tell it one's own way here, that 
 they who may be unthinking enough to be more fre- 
 quently readers of such papers as this, than of Sacred 
 Writ, may be advertised, that the greatest pleasures 
 the imagination can be entertained with are to be 
 found there, and that even the style of the Scriptures 
 is more than human. 
 
 Joseph, a beloved child of Israel, became invidi- 
 ous to his elder brethren, for no other reason but his 
 superior beauty, and excellence of body and mind, 
 insomuch that they could not bear his growing virtue, 
 and let him live. They therefore conspire his death ; 
 but nature pleaded so strongly for him in the heart 
 of one of them, that by his persuasion they deter-
 
 106 TATLER. NO 033. 
 
 mined rather to bury him in a pit, than be his im- 
 mediate executioners with their own hands. When 
 thus much was obtained for him, their minds still 
 softened towards him, and they took the opportunity 
 of some passengers to sell him into Egypt. Israel 
 was persuaded by the artifice of his sons, that the 
 youth was torn to pieces by wild beasts : but Joseph 
 was sold to slavery, and still exposed to new misfor- 
 tunes, from the same cause as before, his beauty 
 and his virtue. By a false accusation he was com- 
 mitted to prison ; but in process of time delivered 
 from it, in consideration of his wisdom and know- 
 ledge, and made the governor of Pharaoh's house. 
 In this elevation of his fortune, his brothers were 
 sent into Egypt, to buy necessaries of life in a fa- 
 mine: As soon as they are brought into his presence, 
 he beholds, but he beholds with compassion, the 
 men who had sold him to slavery approaching him 
 with awe and reverence. While he was looking 
 over his brethren, he takes a resolution to indulge 
 himself in the pleasure of stirring their and his own 
 affections, by keeping himself concealed, and exa- 
 mining into the circumstances of their family. For 
 this end, with an air of severity, as a watchful mi- 
 nister to Pharaoh, he accuses them as spies, who are 
 come into Egypt with designs against the state. This 
 led them into the account which he wanted of 
 them, the condition of their antient father and little 
 brother, whom they had left behind them. When 
 he had learned that his brother was living, he de- 
 mands the bringing him to Egypt, as a proof of their 
 veracity. 
 
 But it would be a vain and empty endeavour to 
 attempt laying this excellent represensation of the 
 passions of man in the same colours as they appear 
 iti the Sacred Writ, in any other manner, or almost 
 any other words, than those made use of in the page
 
 NO 233. TATLER. 107 
 
 itself. I am obliged, therefore, to turn my designed 
 narration rather into a comment upon the several parts 
 of that beautiful and passionate scene. When Joseph 
 expects to see Benjamin, how natural, and how for- 
 cible is the reflection, " This affliction is come upon 
 us, in that we saw the anguish of our brother's soul 
 without pity !" How moving must it be to Joseph 
 to hear Reuben accuse the rest, that they would not 
 hear what he pleaded in behalf of his innocence and 
 distress ! He turns from them, and weeps ; but com- 
 mands his passion so far as to give orders for binding 
 one of them in the presence of the rest, while he at 
 leisure observed their different sentiments and con- 
 cern in their gesture and countenance. When Ben- 
 jamin is demanded in bondage for stealing the cup, 
 with what force and what resignation does Judah ad- 
 dress his brother ! 
 
 " In what words shall I speak to my lord ? with 
 what confidence can I say any thing ? Our guilt is 
 but too apparent ; we submit to our fate. We are 
 my lord's servants, both we and he also with whom 
 the cup is found." When that is not accepted, how 
 pathetically does he recapitulate the whole story ! 
 And, approaching nearer to Joseph, delivers himself 
 as follows ; which, if we fix our thoughts upon the 
 relation between the pleader and the judge, it is im- 
 possible to read without tears : 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " Let me intrude so far upon you, even in the 
 high condition in which you are, and the miserable 
 one in which you see me and my brethren, to inform 
 you of the circumstances of us unhappy men that 
 prostrate ourselves before you. When we were first 
 examined by you, you inquired for what reason my 
 lord inquired we know not but you inquired, whe- 
 ther we had not a father or a brother. We then
 
 108 TATLER. NO 233. 
 
 acquainted you, that we had a father, an old man, 
 who had a child of his old age, and had buried ano- 
 ther son, whom he had by the same woman. You 
 were pleased to command us to bring the child he 
 had remaining down to you : we did so ; and he has 
 forfeited his liberty. But my father said to us, You 
 know that my wife bare me two sons : one of them 
 was torn in pieces ; if mischief befal this also, it will 
 bring my grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. Ac- 
 cept, therefore, oh my lord ! me for your bondman, 
 and let the lad return with his brethren, that I may 
 not see the evil that shall come on my father." Here 
 Joseph's passion grew too great for further disguise, 
 and he reveals himself with exclamations of trans- 
 port and tenderness. 
 
 After their recovery from their first astonishment, 
 his brethren were seized with fear for the injuries 
 they had done him ; but how generously does he 
 keep them in countenance, and made an apology for 
 them ! " Be not angry with yourselves for selling me 
 hither ; call it not so, but think Providence sent me 
 before you to preserve life !" 
 
 It would be endless to go through all the beauties 
 of this sacred narrative ; but any one who shall read 
 it, at an hour when he is disengaged from all other 
 regards or interests than what arise from it, will feel 
 the alternate passion of a father, a brother, and a 
 son, so warm in him, that they will incline him to ex- 
 ert himself in such of those characters as happen to 
 be his, much above the ordinary course of his life.
 
 N 934. TATLER. 109 
 
 No 234. SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1710. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 6. 
 
 I HAVE reason to believe, that certain of my con- 
 temporaries have made use of an art I some time 
 ago professed, of being often designedly dull ; and 
 for that reason shall not exert myself when I see 
 them lazy. He that has so much to struggle with, 
 as the man who pretends to censure others, must 
 keep up his fire for an onset, and may be allowed 
 to carry his arms a little carelessly upon an ordinary 
 march. This Paper therefore shall be taken up by 
 my correspondents, two of which have sent me the 
 two following plain, but sensible and honest letters, 
 upon subjects no less important than those of Edu- 
 cation and Devotion. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I am an old man retired from all acquaintance 
 with the town, but what I have from your Papers, 
 not the worst entertainment of my solitude ; yet 
 being still a well-wisher to my country, and the 
 commonwealth of learning (a qua coiifiteor nullam 
 atatis mete partem abhorruissej , and hoping the 
 plain phrase in writing that was current in my 
 younger days would have lasted for my time, I was 
 startled at the picture of modern politeness, trans- 
 mitted by your ingenious correspondent, and grieved 
 to see our sterling English language fallen into the 
 hands of Clippers and Coiners. That mutilated 
 epistle, consisting of Hippo, Rep's, and -such like 
 enormous curtailings, was a mortifying spectacle, 
 
 VOL. v. L
 
 110 TATLER. NO 234. 
 
 but with the reserve of comfort to find this and 
 other abuses of our mother tongue so pathetically 
 complained of, and to the proper person for re- 
 - dressing them, the Censor of Great-Britain. 
 
 " He "had before represented the deplorable igno- 
 rance that for several years past has reigned amongst 
 our English writers, the great depravity of our 
 taste, and continual corruption of our style. But, 
 Sir, before you give yourself the trouble of pre- 
 scribing remedies for these distempers, which you 
 own will require the greatest care and application, 
 give me leave, having long had my eye upon these 
 mischiefs, and thoughts exercised about them, to 
 mention what I humbly conceive to be the cause of 
 them, and in your friend Horace's words, Quofonte 
 derivata clades in patriam populumquefluxit. 
 
 " I take our corrupt ways of writing to proceed 
 from the mistakes and wrong measures in our com- 
 mon methods of Education, which I always looked 
 upon as one of our national grievances, and a singu- 
 larity that renders us, no less than our situation, 
 
 Penitus tola divisos orbe Britannos. 
 
 VIRG. 1 Eel. 67. 
 
 A race of men from all the world disjoin'd. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 " This puts me upon consulting the most cele- 
 brated critics on that subject, to compare our prac- 
 tice with their precepts, and find where it was that 
 we came short or went wide. 
 
 But after all, I found our case required some- 
 thing more than these doctors had directed, and the 
 principal defect of our English discipline to lie in 
 the initiatory part, which although it needs the 
 greatest care and skill, is usually left to the conduct 
 of those blind guides, viz. Chance and Ignorance.
 
 NO 234. TATLKR. Ill 
 
 " J shall trouble you with but a single instance, 
 pursuant to what your sagacious friend has said, 
 that he could furnish you with a catalogue of 
 English books, which would cost you an hundred 
 pounds at first hand, wherein you could not find 
 ten lines together of common grammar ; which is a 
 necessary consequence of our mismanagement in 
 that province. 
 
 " For can any thing be more absurd than our 
 way of proceeding in this part of literature? to push 
 tender wits into the intricate mazes of grammar, 
 and a Latin grammar ? to learn an unknown art by 
 an unknown tongue? to carry them a dark round- 
 about way to let them in at the back door? Whereas 
 by teaching them first the grammar of their mother- 
 tongue so easy to be learned, their advance to the 
 grammars of Latin and Greek would be gradual and 
 easy ; but our precipitate way of hurrying them 
 over such a gulph, before we have built them a 
 bridge to it, is a shock to their weak understandings, 
 which they seldom, or very late, recover. In the 
 mean time we wrong nature, and slander infants, 
 who want neither capacity nor will to learn, until 
 we put them upon service beyond their strength, and 
 then indeed we balk them. 
 
 " The liberal arts and sciences are all beautiful as 
 the Graces; nor has Grammar, the severe mother 
 of all, so frightful a face of her own ; it is the 
 vizard put upon it that scares children. She is 
 made to speak hard words, that to them sound like 
 conjuring. Let her talk intelligibly, and they will 
 listen to her. 
 
 " In this, I think, as on other accounts, we show 
 ourselves true Britons, always overlooking our na- 
 tural advantages. It has been the practice of the 
 wisest nations to learn their own language by stated 
 rules, tp avoid the confusion that would follow
 
 112 TATLKR. N 234. 
 
 from leaving it to vulgar use. Our English tongue, 
 says a learned man, is the most determinate in its 
 construction, and reducible to the fewest rules ; 
 whatever language has less grammar in it, is not in- 
 telligible : and whatever has more, all that it has 
 more is superfluous ; for which reasons he would 
 have it made the foundation of learning Latin, and 
 all other languages. 
 
 " To speak and write without absurdity the lan- 
 guage of one's country is commendable in persons 
 of all stations, and to some indispensably necessary : 
 and to this purpose I would recommend, above all 
 things, the having a grammar of our mother-tongue 
 first taught in our schools, which would facilitate 
 our youths learning their Latin and Greek gram- 
 mars, with spare time for arithmetic, astronomy, 
 cosmography, history, &c. that would make them 
 pass the spring of their life with profit and pleasure, 
 that is now miserably spent in grammatical per- 
 plexities. 
 
 " But here, methinks, I see the reader smile, 
 and ready to ask me, as the lawyer did sexton 
 Diego on his bequeathing rich legacies to the poor 
 of the parish, where are these mighty sums to be 
 raised ? Where is there such a grammar to be had ? 
 I will not answer as he did, ' Even where your 
 Worship pleases.' No, it is our good fortune to 
 rftive such a grammar, with notes, now in the press, 
 and to be published next term. 
 
 " I hear it is a chargeable work, and wish the 
 publisher to have customers of all that have need of 
 such a book ; yet fancy that he cannot be much a 
 sufferer, if it is only bought by all that have more 
 need for it than they think they have. 
 
 " A certain author brought a poem to Mr. Cowley, 
 for his perusal and judgment of the performance,
 
 N 234. TATLER. 113 
 
 which he demanded at the next visit with a 
 poetaster's assurance ; and Mr. Cowley, with his 
 usual modesty, desired that he would be pleased to 
 look a little to the grammar of it. ' To the gram- 
 mar of it ! what do you mean, Sir, would yon 
 
 send me to school again ?' ' Why, Mr. H , 
 
 would it do you any harm ?' 
 
 ** This put me on considering how this voyage 
 of literature may be made with more safety and 
 profit, expedition and delight ; and at last, for 
 compleating so good a service, to request your di- 
 rections in so deplorable a case : hoping that, as 
 you have had compassion on our overgrown cox- 
 combs in concerns of less consequence, you will 
 exert your charity towards innocents, and vouch- 
 safe to be guardian to the children and youth of 
 Great Britain in this important affair of education, 
 wherein mistakes and wrong measures have so often 
 occasioned their aversion to books, that had other- 
 wise proved the chief ornament and pleasure of their 
 life. I am, with sincerest respect, Sir, 
 
 Yours, &c. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, St. Clements, Oct. 5. 
 
 " I observe, as the season begins to grow cold? 
 so does people's devotion; insomuch, that instead 
 of filling the churches, that united zeal might keep 
 one warm there, one is left to freeze in almost bare 
 walls by those who in hot weather are troublesome 
 the contrary way. This, Sir, needs a regulation 
 that none but you can give to it, by causing those 
 who absent themselves on account of weather only 
 this winter-time, to pay the apothecaries bills occa- 
 sioned by coughs, catarrhs, and other distempers, 
 contracted by sitting in empty seats. Therefore, to 
 you I apply myself for redress, having gotten such a 
 L2
 
 114 TATLER. NO 235. 
 
 cold on Sunday was sevennight, that has brought me 
 almost to your Worship's age from sixty, within less 
 than a fortnight. I am, 
 
 Your Worship's in all obedience, 
 
 W. E." 
 
 N 235. TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 171O. 
 
 Scit Genius, natale comes qui temperat aslrum. 
 
 HOR. 2 Ep. ii. 187. 
 
 But whence these turns of inclination rose, 
 The Genius this, the God of Nature knows : 
 That mystic Power, 'which our actions guides, 
 Attends our stars, and o'er our lives presides. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 9. 
 
 AMONG those inclinations which are common to all 
 men, there is none more unacccountable than that 
 unequal love by which parents distinguish their 
 children from each other. Sometimes vanity and 
 self-love appear to have a share towards this effect : 
 and in other instances I have been apt to attribute it 
 to mere instinct: but, however that is, we fre- 
 quently see the child, that has been beholden to 
 neither of these impulses in his parents, in spite of 
 being neglected, snubbed, and thwarted at home, 
 acquire a behaviour which makes him as agreeable 
 to all the rest of the world, as that of every one 
 else of their family is to each other. I fell into this 
 way of thinking from an intimacy which I have
 
 NO 235. TATLER. 115 
 
 with a very good house in our neighbourhood, where 
 there are three daughters of a very different cha- 
 racter and genius. The eldest has a great deal of 
 wit and cunning; the second has good sense, but 
 no artifice ; the third has much vivacity, but little 
 understanding. The first is a fine, but scornful 
 woman ; the second is not charming, but very 
 winning ; the third is no way commendable, but 
 very desirable. The father of these young crea- 
 tures was ever a great pretender to wit, the mother 
 a woman of as much coquetry. This turn in the 
 parents has biassed their affections towards their 
 children. The old man supposes the eldest of .his 
 own genius ; and the mother looks upon the 
 youngest as herself renewed. By this means, all 
 the lovers that approach the house are discarded by 
 the father, for not observing Mrs. Mary's wit and 
 beauty ; and by the mother, for being blind to the 
 mien and air of Mrs. Biddy. Come never so many 
 pretenders, they are not suspected to have the least 
 thought of Mrs. Betty, the middle daughter. Betty, 
 therefore, is mortified into a woman of a great deal 
 of merit, and knows she must depend on that only 
 for her advancement. The middlemost is thus the 
 favourite of all her acquaintance, as well as mine ; 
 while the other two carry a certain insolence about 
 them in all conversations, and expect the partiality 
 which they meet with at home to attend them where- 
 ever they appear. So little do parents understand 
 that they are, of all people, the least judges of their 
 children's merit, that what they reckon such is sel- 
 dom any thing else but a repetition of their own 
 faults and infirmities. 
 
 There is, methinks, some excuse of being parti- 
 cular, when one of the offspring has any defect in 
 nature. In this case, the child, if we may so 
 speak, is so much the longer the child of its parents,
 
 116 TATLER. NO 235. 
 
 and calls for the continuance of their care and indul- 
 gence from the slowness of its capacity, or the 
 weakness of its body. But there is no enduring to 
 see men enamoured only at the sight of their own 
 impertinencies repeated, and to observe, as we may 
 sometimes, that they have a secret dislike of their 
 children for a degeneracy from their very crimes. 
 Commend me to Lady Goodly ; she is equal to all 
 her own children, but prefers them to those of all 
 the world beside. My lady is a perfect hen in the 
 care of her brood ; she fights and she squabbles with 
 all that appear where they come, but is wholly un- 
 biassed in dispensing her favours among them. It is 
 no small pains she is at to defame all the young 
 women in her neighbourhood, by visits, whispers, 
 intimations, and hearsays ; all which she ends with 
 thanking Heaven, " that no one living is so blessed 
 with such obedient and well-inclined children as 
 herself. Perhaps," says she, " Betty cannot 'dance 
 like Mrs. Frontinet, and it is no great matter whe- 
 ther she does or not ; but she comes into a room 
 with a good grace : though she says it that should 
 not, she looks like a gentlewoman. Then, if Mrs. 
 Rebecca is not so talkative as the mighty wit Mrs. 
 Clapper, yet she is discreet, she knows better what 
 she says when she does speak. If her wit be slow, 
 her tongue never runs before it." This kind parent 
 lifts up her eyes and hands in congratulation of her 
 own good fortune, and is maliciously thankful that 
 none of her girls are like any of her neighbours : 
 but this preference of her own to all others is 
 grounded upon an impulse of nature ; while those, 
 who like one before another of their own, are so un- 
 pardonably unjust, that it could hardly be equalled 
 in the children, though they preferred all the rest 
 of the world to such parents. It is no unpleasant 
 entertainment to see a ball at a dancing-school, and
 
 NO 235. TATLER. 117 
 
 observe the joy of relations when the young ones, 
 for whom they are concerned, are in motion. You 
 need not be told whom the dancers belong to. At 
 their first appearance, the passions of their parents 
 are in their faces, and there is always a nod of ap- 
 probation stolen at a good step, or a graceful turn. 
 
 I remember, among all my acquaintance, but 
 one man whom I have thought to live with his 
 children with equanimity and a good grace. He 
 had three sons and one daughter, whom he bred 
 with all the care imaginable in a liberal and inge- 
 nious way. I have often heard him say, " he had 
 the weakness to love one much better than the 
 other, but that he took as much pains to correct 
 that as any other criminal passion that could arise in 
 his mind." His method was, to make it the only 
 pretension in his children to his favour, to be kind 
 to each other ; and he would tell them, " that he 
 who was the best brother, he would reckon the 
 best son." This turned their thoughts into an emu- 
 lation for the superiority in kind and tender af- 
 fection towards each other. The boys behaved 
 themselves very early with a manly friendship ; 
 and their sister, instead of the gross familiarities, 
 and impertinent freedoms in behaviour, usual in 
 other houses, was always treated by them with as 
 much complaisance as any other young lady of their 
 acquaintance. It was an unspeakable pleasure to 
 visit, or sit at a meal, in that family. I have often 
 seen the old man's heart flow at his eyes with joy, 
 upon occasions whieh would appear indifferent to 
 such as were strangers to the turn of his mind : but 
 a very slight accident, wherein he saw his children's 
 good-will to one another, created in him the god- 
 like pleasure of loving them because they loved each 
 other. This great command of himself, in hiding 
 his first impulse to partiality, at last improved to a
 
 1 18 TATLBR. 
 
 steady justice towards them; and that, which at 
 first was but an expedient to correct his weakness, 
 was afterwards the measure of his virtue. 
 
 The truth of it is, those parents who are in- 
 terested in the care of one child more than that of 
 another, no longer deserve the name of parents, 
 but are, in effect, as childish as their children, in 
 having such unreasonable and ungoverned inclina- 
 tions. A father of this sort has degraded himself 
 into one of his own offspring ; for none but a child 
 would take part in the passions of children. 
 
 NO 236. THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1710. 
 
 Nescio qua nalale solum dulcedine mentem 
 Tangit, et immemorem non sinit esse sui. 
 
 Ovio. Ep. ex Pont. I. 111. 
 
 A nameless fondness for our native clime, 
 Triumphs o'er change, and all-devouring time, 
 Our next regards our friends and kindred claim ; 
 And every bosom feels the sympathetic flame. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 11. 
 I FIND in the registers of my family that the 
 branch of the Bickerstaffs, from which I am de- 
 scended, came originally out of Ireland. This has 
 given me a kind of natural affection for that coun- 
 try. It is therefore with pleasure that I see not 
 only some of the greatest warriors, but also of the 
 greatest wits, to be natives of that kingdom. The
 
 NO S6. TATLER. 119 
 
 gentleman who writes the following letter is one of 
 these last. The matter of fact contained in it is li- 
 terally true, though the diverting manner in which 
 it is told may give it the colour of a fable. 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire, at his House 
 
 in GREAT BRITAIN. 
 " SIR, Dublin. 
 
 " Finding by several passages in your Tatlers, 
 that you are a person curious in natural knowledge, 
 I thought it would not be unacceptable to you to 
 give you the following history of the migration of 
 frogs into this country. There is an antient tra- 
 dition among the wild philosophers of this kingdom, 
 that the whole island was once as much infested by 
 frogs, as that, wherein Whittington made his for- 
 tune, was by mice. Insomuch that it is said, Mac- 
 donald the First could no more sleep, by reason of 
 these Dutch nightingales, as they are called at 
 Paris, than Pharaoh could when they croaked in his 
 bed-chamber. It was in the reign of this great 
 monarch, that St. Patrick arrived in Ireland, being 
 as famous for destroying vermin as any rat-catcher 
 of our times. If we may believe the tradition, he 
 killed more in one day than a flock of storks could 
 have done in a twelvemonth. From that time for 
 about five hundred years there was not a frog to be 
 heard in Ireland, notwithstanding the bogs still re- 
 mained, which in former ages had been so plenti- 
 fully stocked with those inhabitants. 
 
 " When the arts began to flourish in the reign of 
 King Charles II. and that great monarch had placed 
 himself at the head of the Royal Society, to lead them 
 forward into the discoveries of Nature, it is said, 
 that several proposals were laid before his majesty, 
 for the importing of frogs into Ireland. In order to 
 it, a virtuoso of known abilities was unanimously
 
 120 TATLER. NO 236. 
 
 elected by the 'Society, and intrusted with the whole 
 management of that affair. For this end, he took 
 along with him a sound able-bodied frog, of a strong 
 hale constitution, that had given proofs of his vigour 
 by several leaps that he had made before that learned 
 body. They took ship, and sailed together until 
 they came within sight of the hill of Hoath, before 
 the frog discovered any symptoms of being indis- 
 posed by his voyage : but as the wind chopped 
 about, and began to blow from the Irish coast, he 
 grew sea-sick, or rather land-sick ; for his learned 
 companion ascribed it to the particles of the soil 
 with which the wind was impregnated. He was 
 confirmed in his conjecture, when, upon the wind's 
 turning about, his fellow-traveller sensibly reco- 
 vered, and continued in good health until his ar- 
 rival upon the shore, where he suddenly relapsed, 
 and expired upon a Ring's-End car in his way to 
 Dublin. The same experiment was repeated se- 
 veral times in that reign, but to no purpose. A 
 frog was ne\*er known to take three leaps upon 
 Irish turf, before he stretched himself out, and 
 died. 
 
 '< Whether it were that the philosophers on this 
 side the water despaired of stocking the island with 
 this useful animal, or whether, in the following reign, 
 it was not thought proper to undo the miracle of a 
 popish saint : I do not hear of any further progress 
 made in this affair until about two years after the 
 battle of the Boyne. 
 
 " It was then that an ingenious physician, to the 
 honour as well as improvement of his native coun- 
 try, performed what the English had been so long 
 attempting in vain. This learned man, with the 
 hazard of his life, made a voyage to Liverpool, 
 where he filled several barrels with the choicest 
 spawn of frogs that could be found in those parts.
 
 N 236. TATLER. 121 
 
 This cargo he brought over very carefully, and af- 
 terwards disposed of it in several warm beds, that 
 he thought most capable of bringing it to life. The 
 doctor was a very ingenious physician, and a very 
 good protestant ; for which reason, to show his zeal 
 against popery, he placed some of the most pro- 
 mising spawn in the very fountain that is dedicated to 
 the saint, and known by the name of St. Patrick's 
 Well, where those animals had the impudence to make 
 their first appearance. They have, since that time, 
 very much increased and multiplied in all the neigh- 
 bourhood of this city. We have here some curious 
 inquirers into natural history, who observe their mo- 
 tions with a design to compute in how many years 
 they will be able to hop from Dublin to Wexford ; 
 though, as I am informed, not one of them has yet 
 passed the mountains of Wicklow. 
 
 " I am further informed, that several graziers of 
 the county of Cork have entered into a project of 
 planting a colony in those parts, at the instance of 
 the French protestants ; and I know not but the same 
 design maybe on foot in other parts of the kingdom, 
 if the wisdom of the British nation do not think fit to 
 prohibit the further importation of English frogs. 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your most humble servant, 
 
 T. B." 
 
 There is no study more becoming a rational crea- 
 ture than that of Natural Philosophy ; but, as several 
 of our modern virtuosi manage it, their speculations 
 do not so much tend to open and enlarge the mind, 
 as to contract and fix it upon trifles. 
 
 This in England is in a great measure owing to the 
 worthy elections that are so frequently made in our 
 Royal Society. They seem to be in a confederacy 
 against men of polite genius, noble thought, and 
 
 VOL. v. M
 
 122 TATLJSR. NO 237. 
 
 diffusive learning; and chuse into their assemblies 
 such as have no pretence to wisdom, but want of wit; 
 or to natural knowledge, but ignorance of every thing 
 else. I have made observations in this matter so 
 long, that when I meet with a young fellow that is 
 an humble admirer of these sciences, but more dull 
 than the rest of the company, I conclude him to be 
 a Fellow of the Royal Society. 
 
 N' 237- SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1710. 
 
 In nwafert animut mutatas dicere formas 
 
 Corpora. OVID. Met. i. 1. 
 
 Of bodies changed to various forms I sing. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 13. 
 
 COMING home last night before my usual hour, I 
 took a book into my hand, in order to divert myself 
 with it until bed-time. Milton chanced to be my 
 author, whose admirable poem of " Paradise Lost," 
 serves at once to fill the rnind with pleasing ideas, 
 and with good thoughts, and was therefore the most 
 proper book for my purpose. I was amusing my- 
 self with that beautiful passage in which the Poet 
 represents Eve sleeping by Adam's side, with the 
 devil sitting at her ear, and inspiring evil thoughts, 
 under the shape of a toad. Ithuriel, one of the 
 guardian angels of the place, walking his nightly 
 rounds, saw the great enemy of mankind hid in this
 
 NO 237- TATLER. 123 
 
 loathsome animal, which he touched with his spear. 
 This spear being of a celestial temper, had such a 
 secret virtue in it, that whatever it was applied to 
 immediately flung off all disguise, and appeared in 
 its natural figure. I am afraid the reader will not 
 pardon me, if I content myself with explaining the 
 passage in prose, without giving it in the author's 
 own inimitable words : 
 
 .- On be led his radiant files, 
 
 Dazzling- the morn. These to the bower direct, 
 
 In search of whom they sought. Him there they found, 
 
 Squat like a toad, close at the ear of Eve ; 
 
 Essaying by his devilish art to reach 
 
 The organs of her fancy, and with them forge 
 
 Illusions as he list, Phantasms and Dreams ; 
 
 Or if, inspiring venom, he might taint 
 
 The animal spirits (that from pure blood arise 
 
 Like gentle breaths from rivers pure), thence raise 
 
 At least distemper'd, discontented thoughts, 
 
 Vain hopes, vain aims, inordinate desires, 
 
 Blown up with high conceits, engend'ring pride. 
 
 Him, thus intent, Itburiel with his spear 
 
 Touch'd lightly ; for no falsehood can endure 
 
 Touch of celestial temper, but returns 
 
 Of force to his own likeness. Up he starts 
 
 Discovered and surpris'd. As when a spark 
 
 Lights on a heap of nitrous powder, laid 
 
 Fit for the tun, some magazine to store 
 
 Against a rumour'd war, the smutty grain, 
 
 With sudden blaze diffus'd, inflames the air; 
 
 So started up in his own shape the fiend. 
 
 I could not forbear thinking how happy a man 
 would be in the possession of this spear; or what 
 an advantage it would be to a minister of state were 
 he master of such a white staff. It would help him 
 to discover his friends from his enemies, men of 
 abilities from pretenders : it would hinder him from 
 being imposed upon by appearances and professions;
 
 124 TATLER. NO 237- 
 
 and might be made use of as a kind of state-test, 
 which no artifice could elude. 
 
 These thoughts made very lively impressions on 
 my imagination, which werr improved, instead of 
 being defaced, by sleep, ard produced in me the 
 following dream : I was ne sooner fallen asleep, but 
 methought the angel Ithi/ iel appeared to me, and, 
 with a smile that still added to his celestial beauty, 
 made me a present of the spear which he held in his 
 hand; and disappeared. To make trials of it, I went 
 into a place of public resort. 
 
 The first person that passed by me, was a lady 
 that had a particular shyness in the cast of her eye, 
 and a more than ordinary reservedness in all the 
 parts of her behaviour. She seemed to look upon 
 man as an obscene creature, with a certain scorn 
 and fear of him. In the height of her airs I 
 touched her gently with my wand, when, to my 
 unspeakable surprise, she fell in such a manner as 
 made me blush in my sleep. As I was hasting 
 away from this undisguised prude, I saw a lady in 
 earnest discourse with another, and overheard her 
 say, with some vehemence, " Never tell me of him, 
 for I am resolved to die a virgin !" I had a curiosity 
 to try her ; but, as soon as I laid my wand upon her 
 head, she immediately fell in labour. My eyes were 
 diverted from her by a man and his wife, who 
 walked near me, hand in hand, after a very loving 
 manner. I gave each of them a gentle tap, and the 
 next instant saw the woman in breeches, and the 
 man with a fan in his hand. It would be tedious 
 to describe the long series of metamorphoses that I 
 entertained myself with in my night's adventure, of 
 Whigs disguised in Tories, and Tories in Whigs ; 
 men in red coats, that denounced terror in their 
 countenance, trembling at the touch of my spear ; 
 others in black, with peace in their mouths, but
 
 NO 237. TATLER. 135 
 
 swords in their hands. I could tell stories of noble- 
 men changed into usurers, and magistrates into 
 beadles ; of free-thinkers into penitents, and reform- 
 ers into whore-masters. I must not, however, omit 
 the mention of a grave citizen who passed by me with 
 an huge clasped Bible under his arm, and a band of 
 a most immoderate breadth ; but, upon a touch on 
 the shoulder, he let drop his book, and fell a-picking 
 my pocket. 
 
 In the general I observed, that those who ap- 
 peared good, often disappointed my expectations ; 
 but that, on the contrary, those who appeared very 
 bad, still grew worse upon the experiment : as the 
 toad in Milton, which one would have thought the 
 most deformed part of the creation, at Ithuriel's 
 stroke became more deformed, and started up into a 
 devil. 
 
 Among all the persons that I touched, there was 
 but one who stood the test of my wand ; and, after 
 many repetitions of the stroke, stuck to his form, and 
 remained steady and fixed to his first appearance. 
 This was a young man, who boasted of foul distem- 
 pers, wild debauches, insults upon holy men, and 
 affronts to religion. 
 
 My heart was extremely troubled at this vision. 
 The contemplation of the whole species, so entirely 
 sunk in corruption, filled my mind with a melancholy 
 that is inexpressible, and my discoveries still added 
 to my affliction. 
 
 In the midst of these sorrows which I had in my 
 heart, methought there passed by me a couple of 
 coaches with purple liveries. There sat in each of 
 them a person with a very venerable aspect. At 
 the appearance of them the people, who were ga- 
 thered round me in great multitudes, divided into 
 parties, as they were disposed to favour either of 
 those reverend persons. The enemies of one of 
 
 M2
 
 126 TATLER. NO 237. 
 
 them begged me to touch him with my wand, and 
 assured me I should see his lawn converted into a 
 cloak. The opposite party told me with as much 
 assurance, that if I laid my wand upon the other, I 
 should see his garments embroidered with flower-de- 
 luces, and his head covered with a cardinal's hat. 
 I made the experiment ; and, to my great joy, saw 
 them both without any change, distributing their 
 blessings to the people, and praying for those who 
 had reviled them. Is it possible, thought I, that good 
 men, who are so few in number, should be divided 
 among themselves, and give better quarter to the 
 vicious that are in their party, than the most strictly 
 virtuous who are out of it ? Are the ties of faction 
 above those of religion ? I was going on in my soli- 
 loquies, but some sudden accident awakened me, when 
 I found my hand grasped, but my spear gone. The 
 reflection on so very odd a dream made me figure to 
 myself, what a strange face the world would bear, 
 should all mankind appear in their proper shapes and 
 characters, without hypocrisy and disguise ? I am 
 afraid the earth we live upon would appear to other 
 intellectual beings no better than a planet peopled 
 with monsters. This should, methinks, inspire us with 
 an honest ambition of recommending ourselves to 
 those invisible spies, and of being what we would ap- 
 pear. There was one circumstance in my foregoing 
 dream, which I at first intended to conceal; but upon 
 second thoughts, I cannot look upon myself as a can- 
 did and impartial historian, if I do not acquaint my 
 reader, that upon taking Ithuriel's spear into my hand, 
 though I was before an old decrepit fellow, I appear- 
 ed a very handsome, jolly, black man. But I know 
 my enemies will say this is praising my own beauty, 
 for which reason I will speak no more of it.
 
 NO 238. TATLKR. 
 
 N 238. TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1710. 
 
 -' ' Poetica surgit 
 Tempestas Juv. Sat. xil. 23. 
 
 Thus dreadful rises the poetic storm. R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 16. 
 
 STORMS at sea are so frequently described by the 
 antient poets, and copied by the moderns, that when- 
 ever I find the winds begin to rise in a new heroic 
 poem, I generally skip a leaf or two until I come into 
 fair weather. Virgil's tempest is a master-piece in this 
 kind, and is indeed so naturally drawn, that one who 
 has made a voyage can scarce read it without being 
 sea-sick. Land-showers are no less frequent among 
 the poets than the former, but I remember none of 
 them which have not fallen in the country ; for which 
 reason they are generally filled with the lowings of 
 oxen and the bleatings of sheep, and very often em- 
 bellished with a rainbow. 
 
 Virgil's land-shower is likewise the best in its 
 kind. It is indeed a shower of consequence, and 
 contributes to the main design of the poem, by 
 cutting off a tedious ceremonial, and bringing mat- 
 ters to a speedy conclusion between tw t o potentates 
 of different sexes. My ingenious kinsman, Mr. 
 Humphry Wagstaff, who treats of every subject 
 after a manner that no other author has done, and 
 better than any other can do, has sent me the
 
 128 TATLER. NO 238. 
 
 description of a City-shower. I do not question but 
 the reader remembers my cousin's description of the 
 Morning as it breaks in town, which is printed in 
 the ninth Tatler, and is another exquisite piece of 
 this local poetry. 
 
 Careful observers may foretel the hour 
 (By sure prognostics) when to dread a Shower ; 
 While rain depends, the pensive cat gives o'er 
 Her frolics, and pursues her tail no more. 
 Returning home at night, you'll find the sink 
 Strike your offended sense with double stink. 
 If you be wise, then go not far to dine, 
 You'll spend in coach-hire more than save in wine. 
 A coming Shower your shooting corns presage, 
 Old aches will throb, your hollow tooth will rage. 
 Sauntering in coffee-house is Dulman seen ; 
 He damns the climate, and complains of spleen, 
 
 Meanwhile the South, rising with dabbled wings, 
 A sable cloud athwart the welkin flings, 
 That swill'd more liquor than it could contain, 
 And, like a drunkard, gives it up again. 
 Brisk Susan whips her linen from the rope, 
 Whilst the first drizzling Shower is borne aslope : 
 Such is that sprinkling which some careless quean 
 Flirts on you from her mop, but not so clean. 
 You fly, invoke the gods ; then, turning, stop 
 To rail ; she, singing, still whirls on her mop. 
 Not yet the dust had shunn'd th* unequal strife, 
 But, aided by the wind, fought still for life; 
 And, wafted with its foe by violent gust, 
 'Twas doubtful which was rain, and which was dust. 
 Ah ! where must needy Poet seek for aid, 
 When dust and rain at once his coat invade ? 
 His only coat, where dust, confus'd with rain, 
 Roughen the nap, and leave a mingled stain ? 
 
 Now, in contiguous drops the flood comes down, 
 Threatening with deluge this devoted town. 
 To shops in crowds the daggled females fly, 
 Pretend to cheapen goods, but nothing buy. 
 The Templar spruce, while every spout 's abroach, 
 Stays till 'tis fair, yet seems to call a coach. 
 The tuck'd-up sempstress walks with hasty strides, 
 While streams run down her oifd umbrella's sides.
 
 NO 238. TATLER, 129 
 
 Here various kinds, by various fortunes led, 
 Commence acquaintance underneath a shed. 
 Triumphant Tories and desponding Whigs 
 Forget their feuds, and join to save their wigs. 
 Box'd in a chair, the beau impatient sits, 
 While spouts run clattering o'er the roof by fits ; 
 And ever and anon with frightful din 
 The leather sounds ; he trembles from within. 
 So when Troy-chairmen bore the wooden steed, 
 Pregnant with Greeks impatient to be freed 
 (Those bully Greeks, who, as the moderns do, 
 Instead of paying chairmen, run them through), 
 Laocoon struck the outside with bis spear, 
 And each imprison'd hero quak'd for fear. 
 
 Now from all parts the swelling kennels flow, 
 And bear their trophies with them as they go : 
 Filth of all hues and odours seem to tell 
 What street they sail'd from, by their sight and smell. 
 They, as each torrent drives, with rapid force, 
 From Smithfield or St. 'Pulchre's shape their course, 
 And in huge confluent join'd at Snow-hill ridge,. 
 Fall from the conduit, prone to Holborn-bridge. 
 Sweepings from butchers' stalls, dung, guts, and blood,) 
 Drown'd puppies, stinking sprats, all drench'd in mud, > 
 Dead cats and turnip-tops come tumbling down the flood. 3
 
 130 TATLBR. N239- 
 
 239. THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1710. 
 
 Mecum certasseferetur?' OVID. Met. xiii. 20. 
 
 Shall he contend with me to get a name ? 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October IS. 
 
 IT is ridiculous for any man to criticise on the works 
 of another, who has not distinguished himself by his 
 own performances. A judge would make but an in- 
 different figure who had never been known at the bar. 
 Cicero was reputed the greatest orator of his age and 
 country, before he wrote a book " De Oratore ;" and 
 Horace the greatest poet, before he published his 
 " Art of Poetry." This observation arises naturally 
 in any one who casts his eye upon this last-mentioned 
 author, where he will find the criticisms placed in the 
 latter end of his book, that is, after the finest odes 
 and satires in the Latin tongue. 
 
 A modern, whose name I shall not mention, be- 
 cause I would not make a silly paper sell, was born 
 a Critic and an Examiner, and, like one of the race 
 of the serpent's teeth, came into the world with a 
 sword in his hand. His works put me in mind of 
 the story that is told of the German monk, who 
 was taking a catalogue of a friend's library, and 
 meeting with a Hebrew book in it, entered it under 
 the title of, " A book that has the beginning where 
 the end should be." This author, in the last of his 
 crudities, has amassed together a heap of quotations,
 
 o 239. TATLER. 131 
 
 to prove that Horace and Virgil were both of them 
 modester men than myself; and if his works were 
 to live as long as mine, they might possibly give 
 posterity a notion, that Isaac Bickerstaff was a very 
 conceited old fellow, and as vain a man as either 
 Tully or Sir Francis Bacon. Had this serious writer 
 fallen upon me only, I could have overlooked it ; 
 but to see Cicero abused is, I must confess, what I 
 cannot bear. The censure he passes upon this great 
 man runs thus : " The itch of being very abusive is 
 almost inseparable from vain glory, Tully has these 
 two faults in so high a degree, that nothing but his 
 being the best writer in the world can make amends 
 for them." The scurrilous wretch goes on to say, 
 that I am as bad as Tully. His words are these : 
 " And yet the Tatler, in his Paper of September 
 the twenty-sixth, has outdone them both. He 
 speaks of himself with more arrogance, and with 
 more insolence of others. I am afraid, by his dis- 
 course, this gentleman has no more read Plutarch 
 than he has Tully. It he had, he would have ob- 
 served a passage in that historian, wherein he has, 
 with great delicacy, distinguished between two 
 passions which are usually complicated in human 
 nature, and which an ordinary writer would not 
 have thought of separating. Not having my Greek 
 spectacles by me, I shall quote the passage word for 
 word as I find it translated to my hand. " Never- 
 theless, though he was intemperately fond of his 
 own praise, yet he was very free from envying 
 others, and most liberally profuse in commending 
 both the ancients and his contemporaries, as is to be 
 understood by his writings; and many of those 
 sayings are still recorded, as that concerning Aris- 
 totle, ' that he was a river of flowing gold :' of 
 Plato's (lialog-ue, ' that if Jupiter were to speak,, he 
 would discourse as he did/ Theophrastus he was
 
 132 TATLKR. NO 239. 
 
 wont to call his peculiar delight : and being asked, 
 ' which of Demosthenes his orations he liked best ?' 
 He answered, ' The longest.' 
 
 " And as for the eminent men of his own time, 
 either for eloquence or philosophy, there was not 
 one of them which he did not, by writing or speak- 
 ing favourably of, render more illustrious." 
 
 Thus the critic tells us, that Cicero was exces- 
 sively vain-glorious and abusive ; Plutarch, that he 
 was vain, but not abusive. Let the reader believe 
 which of them he pleases. 
 
 After this he complains to the world, that I call 
 him names, and that, in my passion, I said he was 
 a flea, a louse, an owl, a bat, a small wit a 
 scribbler, and a nibbler. When he had thus be- 
 spoken his reader's pity, he falls into that admirable 
 vein of mirth, which I shall set down at length, it 
 being an exquisite piece of raillery, and written in 
 great gaiety of heart. " After this list of names," 
 viz. flea, louse, owl, bat, &c. " I was surprised to 
 hear him say, that he has hitherto kept his temper 
 pretty well ; I wonder how he will write when he 
 has lost his temper ! I suppose, as he is now very 
 angry and unmannerly, he will then be exceeding 
 courteous and good-humoured." If I can outlive 
 this raillery, I shall be able to bear any thing. 
 
 There is a method of criticism made use of by 
 this author, for I shall take care how I call him a 
 scribbler again, which may turn into ridicule any 
 work that was ever written, wherein there is a va- 
 riety of thoughts. This the reader will observe in 
 the following words: "He," meaning me, "is so 
 intent upon being something extraordinary, that he 
 scarce knows what he would be ; and is as fruitful 
 in his similes as a brother of his whom I lately took 
 notice of. In the compass of a few lines he com- 
 pares himself to a fox, to Daniel Burgess, to the
 
 V><239. TATLER. 133 
 
 Knight of the Red Cross, to an oak with ivy about it, 
 and to a great man with an equipage." I think my- 
 self as much honoured by being joined in this part 
 of his paper with the gentleman whom he here calls 
 my brother, as I am in the beginning of it, by being 
 mentioned with Horace and Virgil. 
 
 It is very hard that a man cannot publish ten 
 papers without stealing from himself; but to show 
 you that this is only a knack of writing, and that the 
 author is got into a certain road of criticism, I shall 
 set down his remarks on the works of the gentleman 
 whom he here glances upon, as they stand in his 
 sixth Paper, and desire the reader to compare them 
 with the foregoing passage upon mine. 
 
 " In thirty lines his patron is a river, the primum 
 mobile, a pilot, a victim, the sun, any thing, and 
 nothing. He bestows increase, conceals his source, 
 makes the machine move, teaches to steer, expiates 
 our offences, raises vapours, and looks larger as he 
 sets." 
 
 What poem can be safe from this sort of criti- 
 cism ? I think I was never in my life so much of- 
 fended, as at a wag whom I once met with in a cof- 
 fee-house. He had in his hand one of the " Mis- 
 cellanies," and was reading the following short copy 
 of verses, which without flattery to the author is, I 
 think,, as beautiful in its kind as any one in the 
 English tongue : 
 
 Flavia the least and slightest toy 
 
 Can with resistless art employ. 
 
 This Fan in meaner hands would prove 
 
 An engine of, small force in love ; 
 
 But she, with -uch an air and mien, 
 
 Not to be told or safely seen, 
 
 Directs its wanton motions so, 
 
 That it wounds more than Cupid'i bow ; 
 
 Gives coolness to the matchless dame, 
 
 To every other breast a flame. 
 
 VOL. V. N
 
 134 TATLER. NO 239. 
 
 When this coxcomb had done reading them, 
 "Hey-day!" says he, "what instrument is this 
 that Flavia employs in such a manner as is not to 
 be told, nor safely seen ? In ten lines it is a toy, a 
 Cupid's bow, a fan, and an engine in love. It 
 has wanton motions, it wounds, it cools, and in- 
 flames." 
 
 Such criticisms make a man of sense sick, and a 
 fool merry. 
 
 The next paragraph of the paper we are talking of, 
 falls upon somebody whom I am at a loss to guess 
 at : but I find the whole invective turns upon a 
 man, who, it seema, has been imprisoned for debt. 
 Whoever he was, I most heartily pity him ; but at 
 the same time must put the Examiner in mind, that 
 notwithstanding he is a Critic, he still ought to re- 
 member he is a Christian. Poverty was never 
 thought a proper subject for ridicule ; and I do not 
 remember that I ever met with a satire upon a 
 beggar. 
 
 As for those little retortings of my own ex- 
 pressions, of "being dull by design, witty in Oc- 
 tober, shining, excelling," and so forth.; they are 
 the common cavils of every witling, who has no 
 other method of showing his parts, but by little va- 
 riations and repetitions of the man's words whom he 
 attacks. 
 
 But the truth of it is, the paper before me, not 
 only in this particular, but in its very essence, is 
 like Ovid's Echo. 
 
 Qua nee reticere loquenti, 
 
 Nee prior ipsa loqui didicit OVID. Met. iii. 357- 
 
 She who in other's words her silence breaks, 
 Nor speaks herself but when another speaks. 
 
 ADDISON. 
 
 I should not have deserved the character of a 
 Censor, had I not animadverted upon the above-
 
 NO <24O. TATLER. 135 
 
 mentioned author, by a gentle chastisement : but I 
 know my reader will not pardon me, unless I declare, 
 that nothing of this kind for the future, unless it be 
 written with some wit, shall divert me from my care 
 of the public. 
 
 N 240. SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1710. 
 
 Ad populum phaleras. PERS. Sat. iii. 30. 
 
 Such pageantry be to the people shown: 
 There boast thy horse's trappings, and thy own. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 20. 
 I DO not remember that in any of my Lucubrations 
 I have touched upon that useful science of physic, 
 notwithstanding I have declared myself more than 
 once a professor of it. I have indeed joined the study 
 of astrology with it, because I never knew a physi- 
 cian recommended himself to the public, who had 
 not a sister art to embellish his knowledge in medi- 
 cine. It has been commonly observed, in compliment 
 to the ingenious of our profession, that Apollo was 
 god of verse as well as physic ; and, in all ages, the 
 most celebrated practitioners of our country were 
 the particular favourites of the Muses. Poetry to 
 physic is indeed like the gilding to a pill ; it makes 
 the art shine, and covers the severity of the doctor 
 with the agreeableness of the companion.
 
 136 TATLER. N 240. 
 
 The very foundation of poetry is good sense, if 
 we may allow Horace to be a judge of the art. 
 
 Scribendi recte sapere est et principium et fans. 
 
 HOR. A?s Poet. 59. 
 
 Such judgment is the ground of writing-well. 
 
 ROSCOMMON. 
 
 And if so, we have reason to believe, that the 
 same man who writes well can prescribe well, if he 
 has applied himself to the study of both. Besides, 
 when we see a man making professions of two dif- 
 ferent sciences, it is natural for us to believe he is 
 no pretender in that which we are not judges of, 
 when we find him skilful in that which we under- 
 stand. 
 
 Ordinary quacks and charlatans are thoroughly 
 sensible how necessary it is to support themselves 
 by these collateral assistances, and therefore always 
 lay their claims to some supernumerary accom- 
 plishments, which are wholly foreign to their pro- 
 
 About twenty years ago it was impossible to walk 
 the streets, without having an advertisement thrust 
 into your hand, of a doctor " who had arrived at 
 the knowledge of the Green and Red Dragon, and 
 had discovered the female fern-seed." Nobody ever 
 knew what this meant ; but the Green and Red 
 Dragon so amused the people, that the doctor lived 
 very comfortably upon them. About the same 
 time there was pasted a very hard word npon every 
 corner of the streets. This, to the best of my re- 
 membrance, was 
 
 TETRACHYMAGOGON, 
 
 which drew great shoals of spectators about it, who 
 read the bill that it introduced with unspeakable
 
 NO 240. TATLER. 137 
 
 curiosity ; and when they were sick, would have no- 
 body but this learned man for their physician. 
 
 I once received an advertisement of one " who had 
 studied thirty years by candle-light for the good of 
 his countrymen." He might have studied twice as 
 long by day-light, and never have been taken notice 
 of. But Lucubrations cannot be overvalued. There 
 are some who have gained themselves great reputa- 
 tion for physic by their birth, as the " seventh son 
 of a seventh son ;" and others by not being born at 
 all, as the unborn doctor, who, I hear, is lately gone 
 the way of his patients ; having died worth five hun- 
 dred pounds per annum, though he was not born to 
 a halfpenny. 
 
 My ingenious friend doctor Saffold succeeded my 
 old contemporary doctor Lilly in the studies both of 
 physic and astrology, to which he added that of 
 poetry, as was to be seen both upon the sign where 
 he lived, and in the pills which he distributed. He 
 was succeeded by Doctor Case, who erased the 
 verses of his predecessor out of the sign-post, and 
 substituted in their place two of his own, which were 
 as follow : 
 
 Within this place 
 Lives Doctor Case. 
 
 He is said to have got more by this distich, than 
 Mr. Dryden did by all his works. There would be 
 no end of enumerating the several imaginary per- 
 fections, and unaccountable artifices, by which this 
 tribe of men insnare the minds of the vulgar, and 
 gain crowds of admirers. I have seen the whole 
 front of a mountebank's stage, from one end to the 
 other, faced with patents, certificates, medals, and 
 great seals, by which the several princes of Europe 
 have testified their particular respect and esteem for 
 the Doctor. Every great man with a sounding title
 
 138 TATLER. NO 240. 
 
 has been his patient. I believe I have seen twenty 
 mountebanks that have given physic to the Czar of 
 Muscovy. The Great Duke of Tuscany escapes no 
 better. The Elector of Brandenburgh was likewise 
 a very good patient. 
 
 This great condescension of the doctor draws upon 
 him much good-will from his audience ; and it is ten 
 to one, but if any of them be troubled with an aching 
 tooth, his ambition will prompt him to get it drawn 
 by a person, who has had so many princes, kings, 
 and emperors, under his hands. 
 
 I must not leave this subject without observing 
 that as physicians are apt to deal in poetry, apo- 
 thecaries endeavour to recommend themselves by 
 oratory, and are therefore, without controversy, the 
 most eloquent persons in the whole British nation. 
 I would not willingly discourage any of the arts, es- 
 pecially that of which I am an humble professor : 
 but I must confess, for the good of my native country, 
 I could wish there might be a suspension of physic 
 for some years, that our kingdom, which has been 
 so much exhausted by the wars, might have leave to 
 recruit itself. 
 
 As for myself, the only physic which has brought 
 me safe to almost the age of man, and which I pre- 
 scribe to all my friends, is Abstinence. This is cer- 
 tainly the best physic for prevention, and very often 
 the most effectual against a present distemper. In 
 short, my Recipe is, " Take nothing." 
 
 Were the body politic to be physicked like par- 
 ticular persons, I should venture to prescribe to it 
 after the same manner. I remember when our 
 whole island was shaken with an earthquake some 
 years ago, there was an impudent mountebank who 
 sold pills, which, as he told the country people, 
 were " very good against an earthquake." It may, 
 perhaps, be thought as absurd to prescribe a diet for
 
 NO 241. TATLER. 139 
 
 the allaying popular commotions, and national fer- 
 ments. But I am verily persuaded, that if in such 
 a case a whole people were to enter into a course of 
 Abstinence, and eat nothing but water-gruel for a 
 fortnight, it would abate the rage and animosity of 
 parties, and not a little contribute to the cure of a 
 distracted nation. Such a. fast would have a natural 
 tendency to the procuring of those ends, for which 
 a/osf is usually proclaimed. If any man has a mind 
 to enter on such a voluntary Abstinence, it might not 
 be improper to give him the caution of Pythagoras 
 in particular ; Abstine & Fabis, " Abstain from 
 Beans :" that is, say the interpreters, " Meddle not 
 with elections ;" beans having been made use of by 
 the voters among the Athenians in the choice of 
 magistrates. 
 
 N 241. TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1710. 
 
 - From my own Apartment, October 23. 
 A METHOD of spending one's time agreeably is a 
 thing so little studied, that the common amusement 
 of our young gentlemen, especially of such as are at 
 a distance from those of the first breeding, is Drink- 
 ing. This way of entertainment has custom on its 
 side ; but as much as it has prevailed, I believe 
 there have been very few companies that have been 
 guilty of excess this way, where there have not hap- 
 pened more accidents which make against, than for 
 the continuance of it. It is very common that events
 
 140 TATLEB. NO 241. 
 
 arise from a debauch which are fatal, and always 
 such as are disagreeable. With all a man's reason 
 and good sense about him, his tongue is apt to utter 
 things out of mere gaiety of heart, which may dis- 
 please his best friends. Who then would trust him- 
 self to the power of wine, without saying more 
 against it, than that it raises the imagination, and 
 depresses the judgment ? Were there only this sin- 
 gle consideration, that we are less masters of our- 
 selves, when we drink in the least proportion above 
 the exigencies of thirst; I say, were this all that 
 could be objected, it were sufficient to make us ab- 
 hor this vice. But we may go on to say, that as he 
 who drinks but a little is not master of himself, so 
 he who drinks much is a slave to himself. As for 
 my part, I ever esteemed a Drunkard of all vicious 
 persons the most vicious : for, if our actions are to 
 be weighed and considered according to the inten- 
 tion of them, what can we think of him, who puts 
 himself into a circumstance wherein he can have no 
 intention at all, but incapacitates himself for the du- 
 ties and offices of life, by a suspension of all his fa- 
 culties ? If a man considers that he cannot, under 
 the oppression of drink, be a friend, a gentleman, 
 a master, or a subject : that he has so long banished 
 himself from all that is dear, and given up all that 
 is sacred to him : he would even then think of a de- 
 bauch with horror. But when he looks still further, 
 and acknowledges, that he is not only expelled out 
 of all the relations of life, but also liable to offend 
 against them all ; what words can express the terror 
 and detestation he would have of such a condition ? 
 And yet he owns all this of himself, who says he was 
 drunk last night. 
 
 As I have all along persisted in it, that all the vi- 
 cious in general are in a state of death ; so I think I
 
 NO 241. TATLBR. 141 
 
 may add to the non-existence of Drunkards, that they 
 died by their own hands. He is certainly as guilty 
 of suicide who perishes by a slow, as he that is dis- 
 patched by an immediate poison. In my last Lucu- 
 .bration I proposed the general use of water-gruel, and 
 [hinted that it might not be amiss at this very season. 
 But as there are some whose cases, in regard to their 
 families, will not admit of delay ; I have used my 
 interest in several wards of the city, that the whole- 
 some restorative above-mentioned may be given in 
 tavern-kitchens to all the morning-draughts-men, 
 within the walls, when they call for wine before 
 noon. For a further restraint and mark upon such 
 persons, I have given orders, that in all the offices 
 where policies are drawn upon lives, it shall be add- 
 ed to the article which prohibits that the nominee 
 should cross the sea, the words " Provided also, 
 that the above-mentioned A. B. thall not drink be- 
 fore dinner during the term mentioned in this in- 
 denture." 
 
 I am not without hopes, that by this method I 
 shall bring some unsizable friends of mine into 
 shape and breadth, as well as others, who are languid 
 and consumptive, into health and vigour. Most of 
 the self-murderers whom I yet hinted at, are such as 
 preserve a certain regularity in taking their poison, 
 and make it mix pretty well with their food. But 
 the most conspicuous of those who destroy them- 
 selves, are such as in their youth fall into this sort of 
 debauchery ; and contract a certain uneasiness of 
 spirit, which is not to be diverted but by tippling as 
 often as they can fall into company in the day, and 
 conclude with downright Drunkenness at night. 
 These gentlemen never know the satisfaction of 
 youth ; but skip the years of manhood, and are de- 
 crepit soon after they are of age. I was godfather
 
 142 TATLBR. NO 241. 
 
 to one of these old fellows. He is now three-and- 
 thirty, which is the grand climacteric of a young 
 Drunkard. I went to visit the crazy wretch this 
 morning, with no other purpose but to rally him 
 under the pain and uneasiness of being sober. 
 
 But as our faults are double when they affect 
 others besides ourselves, so this vice is still more odi- 
 ous in a married than a single man. He that is the 
 husband of a woman of honour, and comes home 
 over-loaded with wine, is still more contemptible in 
 proportion to the regard we have to the unhappy 
 consort of his bestiality. The imagination cannot 
 shape to itself any thing more monstrous and unna- 
 tural than the familiarities between Drunkenness and 
 Chastity. The wretched Astraea, who is the perfec- 
 tion of beauty and innocence, has long been thus 
 cendemned for life. The romantic tales of virgins 
 devoted to the jaws of monsters, have nothing in 
 them so terrible as the gift of Astraea to that 
 Bacchanal. 
 
 The reflection of such a match as spotless inno- 
 cence with abandoned lewdness, is what puts this 
 vice in the worst figure it can bear with regard to 
 others ; but when it is looked upon with respect only 
 to the Drunkard himself, it has deformities enough 
 to make it disagreeable, which may be summed up 
 in a word by allowing that he who resigns his reason, 
 is actually guilty of all that he is liable to from the 
 want of reason. 
 
 P. S. Among many other enormities, there are two 
 in the following letters which I think should be sud- 
 denly amended t but since they are sins of omission 
 only, I shall not make remarks upon them until I 
 find the delinquents persist in their errors ; and the 
 inserting the letters themselves shall be all their pre- 
 sent admonition.
 
 N" 241. TATJLER. 143 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, October 16. 
 
 " Several that frequent divine-service at Saint 
 Paul's, as well as myself, having with great satisfac- 
 tion, observed the good effect which your animadver- 
 sion had on an excess in performance there ; it is re- 
 quested, that you will take notice of a contrary fault, 
 which is, the unconcerned silence, and the motionless 
 postures, of others who come thither. If this cus- 
 tom prevails, the congregatiou will resemble an au- 
 dience at a play-house, or, rather, a silent meeting of 
 quakers. Your censuring such church-mutes, in the 
 manner you think fit, may make these dissenters join 
 with us, out of fear lest you should further animad- 
 vert upon their non-conformity. According as this 
 succeeds, you shall hear from, Sir, 
 
 Your most humble servant, 
 
 B. B." 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I was the other day in company with a gentle- 
 man, who, in reciting his own qualifications, con- 
 cluded every period with these words, the best of any 
 man in England. Thus, for example : he kept the 
 best house of any man in England ; he understood 
 this, and that, and the other, the best of any man in 
 England. How harsh and ungrateful soever this ex- 
 pression might sound to one of my nation, yet the 
 gentleman was one whom it no ways became me to 
 interrupt ; but perhaps a new term put into his by- 
 words (as they call a sentence a man particularly af- 
 fects) may cure him. I therefore took a resolution 
 to apply to you, who, I dare say, can easily persuade 
 this gentleman, whom I cannot believe an enemy to 
 the Union, to amend his phrase, and be hereafter the 
 wisest of any man in Great-Britain. I am, Sir, 
 Your most humble servant, 
 
 SCOTO-BRITANNUS.
 
 144 TATiKR. Mo 242. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 "Whereas Mr. Humphry Treelooby, wearing his 
 own hair, a pair of buck-skin breeches, a hunting- 
 whip, with a new pair of spurs, has complained to 
 the Censor, that on Thursday last he was defrauded 
 of half-a-crown, under pretence of a duty to the sex- 
 ton for seeing the cathedral of St. Paul, London : it 
 is hereby ordered, that none hereafter require above 
 sixpence of any country gentleman under the age of 
 twenty-five for that liberty ; and that all which shall 
 be received above the said sum, of any person, for 
 beholding the inside of that sacred edifice, be forth- 
 with paid to Mr. John Morphew, for the use of Mr. 
 Bickerstaff, under pain of further censure on the 
 above-mentioned extortion." 
 
 N 242. THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1710. 
 
 Quis inifjute 
 
 Tampatiens urbis, tam/erreus ut teneatse? 
 
 Jur. Sat. i. 30. 
 
 To view so lewd a town, and to refrain, 
 What hoops of iron could my spleen contain ? 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From, my -own Apartment, October 25. 
 
 IT ^was with very great displeasure I heard this day 
 a man say of a companion of his with an air of ap- 
 probation, " You know Tom never fails of saying
 
 NO 242. TATLKR. 145 
 
 a spiteful thing. He has a great deal of wit, but 
 satire is his particular talent. Did you mind how 
 he put the young fellow out of countenance that 
 pretended to talk to him ?" Such impertinent ap- 
 plauses, which one meets with every day, put me 
 upon considering what true raillery and satire were 
 in themselves ; and this, methought, occurred to 
 me from reflection upon the great and excellent per- 
 sons that were admired for talents this way. When 
 I had run over several such in my thoughts, I con- 
 cluded, however unaccountable the assertion might 
 appear at first sight, that good-nature was an essen- 
 tial quality in a satirist, and that all the sentiments 
 which are beautiful in this way of writing, must 
 proceed from that quality in the author. Good-na- 
 ture produces a disdain of all baseness, vice, and 
 folly ; which prompts them to express themselves 
 with smartness against the errors of men, without 
 bitterness towards their persons. This quality keeps 
 the mind in equanimity, and never lets an offence 
 unseasonably throw a man out of his character. 
 When Virgil said, " he that did not hate Bavius 
 might love Maevius," he was in perfect good hu- 
 mour ; and was not so much moved at their absurdi- 
 ties as passionately to call them sots or blockheads 
 in a direct invective, but laughed at them with a de- 
 licacy of scorn, without any mixture of anger. 
 
 The best good man, with the worst-natur'd muse, 
 
 was the character among us of a gentleman as fa- 
 mous for his humanity as his wit. 
 
 The ordinary subjects for satire are such as incite 
 the greatest indignation in the best tempers, and con- 
 sequently men of such a make are the best qualified 
 for speaking of the offences in human life. These 
 men can behold vice and folly, when they- injure 
 persons to whom they arc wholly unacquainted, with 
 
 VOL. v. o
 
 146 TATLKR. N 24*2. 
 
 the same severity as others resent the ills they do to 
 themselves. A good-natured man cannot see an 
 overbearing fellow put a bashful man of merit out 
 of countenance, or outstrip him in the pursuit of 
 any advantage, but he is on fire to succour the op- 
 pressed, to produce the merit of the one, and con- 
 front the impudence of the other. 
 
 The men of the greatest character in this kind 
 were Horace and Juvenal. There is not, that I re- 
 member, one ill-natured expression in all their writ- 
 ings, not one sentence of severity, which does not 
 apparently proceed from the contrary disposition. 
 Whoever reads them, will, I believe, be of this 
 mind ; and if they were read with this view, it 
 might possibly persuade our young fellows, that 
 they may be very witty men without speaking ill of 
 any but those who deserve it. But, in the perusal 
 of these writers, it may not be unnecessary to con- 
 sider, that they lived in very different times. Horace 
 was intimate with a prince of the greatest goodness 
 and humanity imaginable, and his court was formed 
 after his example : therefore the faults that poet falls 
 upon were little inconsistencies in behaviour, false 
 pretences to politeness, or impertinent affectations of 
 what men were not fit for. Vices of a coarser sort 
 could not come under his consideration, or enter the 
 palace of Augustus. Juvenal, on the other hand, 
 lived under Domitian, in whose reign every thing 
 that was great and noble was banished the habita- 
 tions of the men in power. Therefore he attacks 
 vice as it passes by in triumph, not as it breaks into 
 conversation. The fall of empire, contempt of glorj r , 
 and a general degeneracy of manners, are before his 
 eyes in all his writings. In the days of Augustus, 
 to have talked like Juvenal had been madness ; or 
 in those of Domitian, like Horace. Morality and 
 virtue are every where recommended in Horace, as
 
 NO 242. TATLER. 147 
 
 became a man in a polite court, from the beauty, 
 the propriety, the convenience of pursuing them. 
 Vice and corruption are attacked by Juvenal in a 
 style which denotes, he fears he shall not be heard 
 without he calls to them in their own language, with 
 a barefaced mention of the villanies and obscenities 
 of his contemporaries. 
 
 This accidental talk of these two great men car- 
 ries me from my design, which was to tell some 
 coxcombs that run about this town with the name of 
 smart satirical fellows, that they are by no means 
 qualified for the characters they pretend to, of being 
 severe upon other men ; for they want good nature. 
 There is no foundation in them for arriving at what 
 they aim at ; and they may as well pretend to flat- 
 ter as rally agreeably, without being good-natured. 
 
 There is a certain impartiality necessary to make 
 what a man says bear any weight with those he 
 speaks to. This quality, with respect to men's er- 
 rors and vices, is never seen but in good-natured 
 men. They have ever such a frankness of mind, 
 and benevolence to all men, that they cannot re- 
 ceive impressions of unkindness without mature de- 
 liberation ; and writing or speaking ill of a man up- 
 on personal considerations, is so irreparable and 
 mean an injury, that no one possessed of this quality 
 is capable of doing it : but in all ages there have been 
 interpreters to authors when living, of the same ge- 
 nius with the commentators into whose hands they 
 fall when dead. I dare say it is impossible for any 
 man of more wit than one of these to take any of 
 the four-and-twenty letters, and form out of them a 
 name to describe the character of a vicious man with 
 greater life, but one of these would immediately cry, 
 " Mr. Such-a-one is meant in that place." But 
 the truth of it is, satirists describe the age, and back- 
 biters assign their descriptions to private men.
 
 148 TATLER. NO 242. 
 
 In all terms of reproof, when the sentence appears 
 to arise from personal hatred or passion, it is not 
 then made the cause of mankind, but a misunder- 
 standing between two persons. For this reason the 
 representations of a good-natured man bear a plea- 
 santry in them, which shews there is no malignity 
 at heart, and by consequence they are attended to 
 by his hearers or readers, because they are unpre- 
 judiced. This difference is only what is due to him; 
 for no man thoroughly nettled can say a thing ge- 
 neral enough to pass off with the air of an opinion 
 declared, and not a passion gratified. I remember 
 a humourous fellow at Oxford, when he heard any 
 one had spoken ill of him, used to say, " I will 
 not take my revenge of him until I have forgiven 
 him." What he meant by this was, that he would 
 not enter upon this subject until it was grown as 
 indifferent to him as any other : and I have by this 
 rule, seen him more than once triumph over his ad- 
 versary with an inimitable spirit and humour: for 
 he came to the assault against a man full of sore 
 places, and he himself invulnerable. 
 
 There is no possibility of succeeding in a satiri- 
 cal way of writing or speaking, except a man throws 
 himself quite out of the question. It is great vanity 
 to think any one will attend to a thing, because it 
 is your quarrel. You must make your satire the 
 concern of society in general if you would have it 
 regarded. When it is so, the good-nature of a man 
 of wit will prompt him to many brisk and disdain- 
 ful sentiments and replies, to which all the malice 
 in the world will not be able to repartee.
 
 N 243. TATLER. 149 
 
 NO 243. SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 171O. 
 
 Infert se septus nebula, mirabile dicta ! 
 
 Per medios, miscttque viris, neque cernitur ulK. 
 
 VIRG. /En. i. 443. 
 
 Conceal'd in clouds, prodigious to relate ? 
 He mix'd, unmark'd, among the busy throng, 
 
 and pass'd unseen along. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, October 27. 
 
 I HAVE somewhere made mention of Gyges's ring ; 
 and intimated to my reader, that it was at present in 
 my possession, though I have not since made any 
 use of it. The tradition concerning this ring is very 
 romantic, and taken notice of both by Plato and 
 Tully, who each of them make an admirable use of 
 it for the advancement of morality. This Gyges 
 was the master shepherd to king Candaules. As he 
 was wandering over the plains of Lydia, he saw a 
 great chasm in the earth, and had the curiosity to 
 enter it. After having descended pretty far into it 
 he found the statue of a horse in brass, with doors 
 in the sides of it. Upon opening them, he found 
 the body of a dead man, bigger than ordinary, with 
 a ring upon his finger, which he took off, and put 
 upon his own. The virtues of it were much greater 
 than he at first imagined ; for upon his going in- 
 to the assembly of shepherds, he observed, that he 
 was invisible when he turned the stone of the ring 
 within the palm of his hand, and visible when he 
 o2
 
 J5O TATLER. NO 243. 
 
 turned it towards his company. Had Plato and 
 Cicero been as well versed in the occult sciences as 
 I am, they would have found a great deal of mystic 
 learning in this tradition : but it is impossible for 
 an adept to be understood by one who is not an 
 adept. 
 
 As for myself, I have, with much study and ap- 
 plication, arrived at this great secret of making my- 
 self invisible, and by that means conveying myself 
 where I please ; or, to speak in Rosicrucian lore, I 
 have entered into the clifts of the earth, discovered 
 the brazen horse, and robbed the dead giant of his 
 ring. The tradition says further of Gyges, that by 
 the means of this ring he gained admission into the 
 most retired parts of the court, and made such use 
 of those opportunities, that he at length became 
 king of Lydia. For my own part, I, who have 
 always rather endeavoured to improve my mind 
 than my fortune, have turned this ring to no other 
 advantage, than to get a thorough insight into the 
 ways of men, and to make such observations upon 
 the errors of others as may be useful to the public, 
 whatever effect they may have upon myself. 
 
 About a week ago, not being able to sleep, I got 
 up, and put on my magical ring; and, with a thought, 
 transported myself into a chamber, where I saw a 
 light. I found it inhabited by a celebrated beauty, 
 though she is of that species of women which we 
 call a slattern. Her head-dress and one of her shoes 
 lay upon a chair, her petticoat in one corner of the 
 room, and her girdle that had a copy of verses 
 made upon it but the day before, with her thread 
 stockings, in the middle of the floor. I was so fool- 
 ishly officious, that I could hot forbear gathering up 
 her cloaths together, to lay them upon the chair that 
 stood by her bed-side ; 'when, to my great surprise, 
 after a little muttering, she cried out, " What do
 
 NO 243. TATLKR. 151 
 
 you do ? Let my petticoat alone." I was startled 
 at first, but soon found that she was in a dream; 
 being one of those who, to use Shakspeare's ex- 
 pression, " are so loose of thought," that they utter 
 in their sleep every thing that passes in their ima- 
 gination. I left the apartment of this female rake, 
 and went into her neighbour's, where there lay a 
 male coquette. He had a bottle of salts hanging over 
 his head, and upon the table by his bed-side Suck- 
 ling's poems, with a little heap of black patches on 
 it. His snuff-box was within reach on a chair: but 
 while I was admiring the disposition which he made 
 of the several parts of his dress, his slumber seemed 
 interrupted by a pang that was accompanied by a 
 sudden oath, as he turned himself over hastily in his 
 bed. I did not care for seeing him in his nocturnal 
 pains, and left the room. 
 
 I was no sooner got into another bed-chamber, 
 but I heard very harsh words uttered in a smooth 
 uniform tone. I was amazed to hear so great a vo- 
 lubility in reproach, and thought it too coherent to 
 be spoken by one asleep ; but, upon looking nearer, 
 I saw the head-dress of the person who spoke, 
 which shewed her to be a female, with a man lying 
 by her side, broad awake, and as quiet as a lamb. I 
 could not but admire his exemplary patience, and 
 discovered by his whole behaviour, that he was then 
 lying under the discipline of a curtain lecture. 
 
 I was entertained in many other places with this 
 kind of nocturnal eloquence; but observed, that 
 most of those whom I found awake were kept so 
 either by envy or by love. Some of these were 
 sighing, and others cursing, in soliloquy; some 
 hugged their pillows, and others gnashed their 
 teeth. 
 
 The covetous I likewise found to be a very wake- 
 ful people. I happened to come into a room where
 
 152 TATLER. NO 243. 
 
 one of them lay sick. His physician and his wife 
 were in a close whisper by his bed-side. I over- 
 heard the doctor say to the poor gentlewoman, " he 
 cannot possibly live until five in the morning." She 
 received it like the mistress of a family prepared 
 for all events. At the same instant came in a ser- 
 vant maid, who said, "Madam, the undertaker is 
 below, according to your order." The words were 
 scarce out of her mouth, when the sick man cried 
 out with a feeble voice, " Pray, doctor, how went 
 Bank-stock to-day at 'Change ?" This melancholy 
 object made me too serious for diverting myself fur- 
 ther this way. As I was going home, I saw a light 
 in a garret, and entering into it, heard a voice cry- 
 ing, and, hand, stand, band, fanned, tanned. I 
 concluded him by this, and the furniture of his room, 
 to be a lunatic ; but, upon listening a little longer, 
 perceived it was a poet, writing an heroic upon the 
 ensuing peace. 
 
 It was now towards morning, an hour when spi- 
 rits, witches, and conjurers, are obliged to retire to 
 their own apartments, and feeling the influence of 
 it, I was hastening home, when I saw a man had 
 got half way into a neighbour's house. I imme- 
 diately called to him, and turning my ring, appear- 
 ed in my proper person. There is something ma- 
 gisterial in the aspect of the Bickerstaffs, which 
 made him run away in confusion. 
 
 As I took a turn or two in my own lodging, I 
 was thinking that old as I was, I need not go to bed 
 alone, but that it was in my power to marry the 
 finest lady in this kingdom, if I would wed her with 
 this ring. For what a figure would she that should 
 have it make at a visit, with so perfect a know- 
 ledge as this would give her of all the scandal in the 
 town ? But, instead of endeavouring to dispose of
 
 NO 244. TATLER. 153 
 
 myself and it in matrimony, I resolved to lend it 
 to my loving friend, the author of the " Atalantis," 
 to furnish a new " Secret History of Secret Me- 
 moirs." 
 
 N244. TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1710. 
 
 Quid voveat dulci nutricula majus alumno, 
 Quam sapere, et fari ut possit qu& sent in t ? 
 
 HOR. 1 Ep. iv. 8. 
 
 What can the fondest mother wish 'for more, 
 Ev'n for her darling son, than solid sense, 
 Perceptions clear, and flowing eloquence ? 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, October 30. 
 
 IT is no easy matter, when people are advancing in 
 any thing, to prevent their going too fast for want of 
 patience. This happens in nothing more frequently 
 than in the prosecution of studies. Hence it is, that 
 we meet crowds who attempt to be eloquent before 
 they can speak. They affect the flowers of rhetoric 
 before they understand the parts of speech. In the 
 ordinary conversation of this town, there are so many 
 who can, as they call it, talk well, that there is not 
 one in twenty that talks to be understood. This 
 proceeds from an ambition to excel, or, as the term 
 is, to shine in company. The matter is not to make 
 themselves understood, but admired. They come to- 
 gether with a certain emulation, rather than benevo-
 
 154 TATLER. NO 244. 
 
 lence. When you fall among such companions, 
 the safe way is to give yourself up, and let the ora- 
 tors declaim for your esteem, and trouble yourself 
 no further. It is said, that a poet must be born so ; 
 but I think it may be much better said of an orator, 
 especially when we talk of our town poets and ora- 
 tors ; but the town poets are full of rules and laws ; 
 the town orators go through thick and thin, and are, 
 forsooth, persons of such eminent natural parts, and 
 knowledge of the world, that they despise all men as 
 unexperienced scholastics, who wait for an occasion 
 before they speak, or who speak no more than is 
 necessary. They had half persuaded me to go to 
 the tavern the other night, but that a gentleman 
 whispered me, " Pr'ythee, Isaac, go with us ; there 
 is Tom Varnish will be there, and he is a fellow 
 that talks as well as any man in England." 
 
 I must confess, when a man expresses himself 
 well upon any occasion, and his falling into an ac- 
 count of any subject arises from a desire to oblige 
 the company, or from fulness of the circumstance 
 itself, so that his speaking of it at large is occasioned 
 only by the openness of a companion; I say, in such 
 a case as this, it is not only pardonable, but agree- 
 able, when a man takes the discourse to himself; 
 but when you see a fellow watch for opportunities 
 for being copious, it is excessively troublesome. A 
 man that stammers, if he has understanding, is to 
 be attended to with patience and good-nature ; but 
 he that speaks more than he needs, has no right to 
 such an indulgence. The man who has a defect in 
 his speech takes pains to come to you, while a man 
 of weak capacity, with fluency of speech, triumphs 
 in outrunning you. The stammerer strives to be fit 
 for your company ; the loquacious man endeavours 
 to shew you, you are not fit for his.
 
 NO 244. TATLER. 155 
 
 With thoughts of this kind do I always enter into 
 that man's company who is recommended as a per- 
 son that talks well ; but if I were to choose the peo- 
 ple with whom I would spend my hours of conver- 
 sation, they should be certainly such as laboured no 
 farther than to make themselves readily and clearly 
 apprehended, and would have patience and curiosity 
 to understand me. To have good sense, and ability 
 to express it, are the most essential and necessary 
 qualities in companions. When thoughts rise in us 
 fit to utter, among familiar friends there needs but 
 very little care in cloathing them. 
 
 Urbanus is, I take it, a man one might live with 
 whole years, and enjoy all the freedom and improve- 
 ment imaginable, and yet be insensible of a contra- 
 diction to you in all the mistakes you can be guilty 
 of. His great good-will to his friends, has produced 
 in him such a general deference in his discourse, 
 that if he differs from you in his sense of any thing, 
 he introduces his own thoughts by some agreeable 
 circumlocution ; or, " he has often observed such 
 and such a circumstance that made him of another 
 opinion." Again, where another would be apt to 
 say, " this I am confident of, I may pretend to judge 
 of this matter as well as any body ;" Urbanus says, 
 " I am verily persuaded : I believe, one may con- 
 clude." In a word, there' is no man more clear in 
 his thoughts and expressions than he is, or speaks 
 with greater diffidence. You shall hardly find 
 one man of any consideration, but you shall observe 
 one of less consequence form himself after him. This 
 happens to Urbanus ; but the man who steals from 
 him almost every sentiment he utters in a whole 
 week, disguises the theft by carrying it with a quite 
 different air. Umbratilis knows Urbanus's doubt- 
 ful way of speaking proceeds from good-nature and 
 good-breeding, and not from uncertainty in his opi-
 
 156 TATLER. NO 244. 
 
 nions. Umbratilis, therefore, has no more to do but 
 repeat the thoughts of Urbanus in a positive man- 
 ner, and appear to the undiscerning a wjser man 
 than the person from whom he borrows : but those 
 who know him, can see the servant in his master's 
 habit ; and the more he struts, the less do his cloaths 
 appear his own. 
 
 In conversation, the medium is neither to affect 
 silence or eloquence ; not to value our approbation, 
 and to endeavour to excel us who are of your com- 
 pany, are equal injuries. The great enemies there- 
 fore to good company, and those who transgress 
 most against the laws of equality, which is the life 
 of it, are, the clown, the wit, and the pedant. A 
 clown, when he has sense, is conscious of his want 
 of education, and, with an aukward bluntness, 
 hopes to keep himself in countenance by overthrow- 
 ing the use of all polite behaviour. He takes advan- 
 tage of the restraint good-breeding lays upon others 
 not to offend him, to trespass against them, and is 
 under the man's own shelter while he intrudes upon 
 him. The fellows of this class are very frequent in 
 the repetition of the words rough and manly. When 
 these people happen to be by their fortunes of the 
 rank of gentlemen, they defend their other absurdi- 
 ties by an impertinent courage ; and, to help out 
 the defect of their behaviour, add their being dan- 
 gerous to their being disagreeable. This gentleman 
 ( though he displeases, professes to do so ; and, 
 knowing that, dares still go on to do so) is not 
 so painful a companion, as he who will please you 
 against your will, and resolves to be a wit. 
 
 This man, upon all occasions, and whoever he 
 falls in company with, talks in the same circle, and 
 in the same round of chat which he has learned at 
 one of the tables of this coffee house. As poetry is 
 in itself an elevation above ordinary and common
 
 NO 244. TATLER. 157 
 
 sentiments ; so there is no fop so very near a mad- 
 man in, indifferent company as a poetical one. He 
 is not apprehensive that the generality of the world 
 are intent upon the business of their own fortune 
 and profession, and have as little capacity as curi- 
 osity to enter into matters of ornament or specula- 
 tion. I remember at a full table in the city, one of 
 these ubiquitary wits was entertaining the company 
 with a soliloquy, for so I call it when a man talks 
 to those who do not understand him, concerning 
 wit and humour. An honest gentleman who sat next 
 me, and was worth half a plumb*, stared at him, and 
 observing there was some sense, as he thought, mixt 
 with his impertinence, whispered me, " Take my 
 word for it, this fellow is more knave than fool." 
 This was all my good friend's applause of the wittiest 
 man of talk that I was ever present at, which 
 wanted nothing to make it excellent, but that there 
 was no occasion for it. 
 
 The pedant is so obvious to ridicule, that it would 
 be to be one to offer to explain him. He is a gentle- 
 man so well known, that there is none but those of 
 his own class who do not laugh at and avoid him. 
 Pedantry proceeds from much reading and little un- 
 derstanding. A pedant among men of learning and 
 sense, is like an ignorant servant giving an account 
 of 'a polite conversation. You may h'nd he has 
 brought with him more than could have entered 
 into his head without being there, but still that he 
 is not a bit wiser than if he had not been there 
 at all. 
 
 * Fifty thousand pounds. 
 
 VOL. V.
 
 158 TATLER. NO 245. 
 
 N 245. THURSDAY, NOVEMBERS, 1710. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 1. 
 
 THE lady hereafter mentioned, having come to me 
 in very great haste, and paid me much above the 
 usual fee, as a cunning-man to find her stolen 
 goods, and also having approved my late discourse 
 of advertisements, obliged me to draw up this, and 
 insert it in the body of my paper. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 *** Whereas Bridget Howd'ye, late servant to 
 the lady Fardingale, a short, thick, lively, hard- 
 favoured wench of about twenty-nine years of age, 
 her eyes small and bleared, her nose very broad at 
 bottom, and turning up at the end, her mouth wide, 
 and lips of an unusual thickness, two teeth out be- 
 fore, the rest black and uneven, the tip of her left 
 ear being of a mouse colour, her voice' loud and 
 shrill, quick of speech, and something of a Welsh 
 accent, withdrew herself on Wednesday last from 
 her ladyship's dwelling house, and, with the help 
 of her consorts, carried off the following goods of 
 her said lady, viz. a thick wadded callico wrapper, 
 a musk-coloured velvet mantle lined with squirrel 
 skins, eight night-shifts, four pair of silk stockings 
 curiously darned, six pair of laced shoes, new and 
 old, with the heels of half two inches higher than 
 their fellows ; a quilted petticoat of the largest size, 
 and one of canvas with whale-bone hoops ; three
 
 NO 245. TATLBR. 159 
 
 pair of stays, bolstered below the left shoulder, two 
 pair of hips of the newest fashion, six round-about 
 aprons with pockets, and four striped muslin night- 
 rails very little frayed ; a silver pot for coffee or cho- 
 colate, the lid much bruised : a broad-brimmed flat 
 silver plate for sugar with Rhenish wine ; a silver 
 ladle for plumb-porridge; a silver cheese-toaster 
 with three tongues, an ebony handle, and silvering 
 at the end ; a silver posnet to butter eggs ; one 
 caudle and two cordial-water cups, two cocoa-cups, 
 and an ostrich's egg, with rims and feet of silver, a 
 marrow-spoon with a scoop at the other end, a silver 
 orange-strainer, eight sweet-meat spoons made with 
 forks at the end, an agate-handle knife and fork in 
 a sheath, a silver tongue-scraper, a silver tobacco- 
 box, with a tulip graved on the top ; and a Bible 
 bound in shagreen, with gilt leaves and clasps, never 
 opened but once. Also a small cabinet, with six 
 drawers inlaid with red tortoise-shell, and brass gilt 
 ornaments at the four corners, in which were two 
 leather forehead cloths, three pair of oiled dog-skin 
 gloves, seven cakes of superfine Spanish wool, half- 
 a-dozen of Portugal dishes, and a quire of paper 
 from thence : two pair of bran-new plumpers, four 
 black-lead combs, three pair of fashionable eyebrows, 
 two sets of ivory teeth, little the worse for wearing, 
 and one pair of box for common use ; Adam and 
 Eve in bugle-work, without fig-leaves, upon canvas, 
 curiously wrought with her ladyship's own hand; 
 several nlligrane curiosities ; a crotchet of one hun- 
 dred and twenty-two diamonds, set strong and deep 
 in silver, with a rump-jewel after the same fashion ; 
 bracelets of braided hair, pomander and seed pearl ; 
 a large old purple velvet purse embroidered, and 
 shutting with a spring, containing two pictures in 
 miniature, the features visible ; a broad thick gold 
 ring with a hand-in-hand engraved upon it, and
 
 b60 TATLER. NO 245. 
 
 with this poesy, " While life does last, I'll hold 
 thee fast ;" another set round with small rubies and 
 sparks, six wanting ; another of Turkey-stone, 
 cracked through the middle ; an Elizabeth and four 
 Jacobus's, one guinea, the first of the coin, an an- 
 
 fel with a hole bored through, a broken half of a 
 panish piece of gold, a crown-piece with the 
 breeches, an old nine-pence bent both ways by Lilly 
 the almanack-maker for luck at langteraloo, and 
 twelve of the shells called blackmoor's teeth ; one 
 small amber box with apoplectic balsam, and one 
 silver-gilt of a larger size for cashu and carraway 
 comfits, to be taken at long sermons, the lid ena- 
 melled, representing a Cupid fishing for hearts, with 
 a piece of gold on his hook ; over his head this 
 rhyme, " Only with gold, you me shall hold." In 
 the lower drawer was a large new gold repeating 
 watch made by a Frenchman ; a gold chain, and all 
 the proper appurtenances hung upon steel swivels, 
 to wit, lockets with the hair of dead and living lo- 
 vers, seals with arms, emblems and devices cut in 
 cornelian, agate, and onyx, with Cupids, hearts, 
 darts, altars, flames, rocks, pickaxes, roses, thorns, 
 and sunflowers ; as also a variety of ingenious French 
 mottos ; together with gold etuys for quills, scissars, 
 needles, thimbles, and a sponge dipped in Hungary 
 water, left but the night before by a young lady 
 going upon a frolic incog. There was also a bundle 
 of letters, dated between the years one thousand six 
 hundred and seventy, and one thousand six hundred 
 and eighty-two, most of them signed Philander, the 
 rest Strephon, Amyntas, Corydon, and Adonis ; to- 
 gether with a collection of receipts to make pastes 
 for the hands, pomatums, lip-salves, white-pots, 
 beautifying creams, water of talc, and frog spawn 
 water ; decoctions for clearing the complexion, and 
 an approved medicine to procure abortion.
 
 NO 245. TATLER. 161 
 
 Whoever can discover the aforesaid goods, so 
 that they may be had again, shall have fifty guineas 
 for the whole, or proportionably for any part. 
 
 N. B. Her ladyship is pleased to promise ten 
 pounds for the pacquet of letters over and above, or 
 five for Philander's only, being her first love. " My 
 lady bestows those of Strephon to the finder, being 
 so written, that they may serve to any woman who 
 reads them." 
 
 P. S. As I am a patron of persons who have no 
 other friend to apply to, I cannot suppress the fol- 
 lowing complaint : 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I am a blackmoor boy, and have, by my lady's 
 order, been christened by the chaplain. The good 
 man has gone further with me, and told me a great 
 deal of good news : as, that I am as good as my lady 
 herself as I am a Christian, and many other things : 
 but for all this, the parrot, who came over with me 
 from our country, is as much esteemed by her as I 
 am. Besides this, the shock-dog has a collar that 
 cost almost as much as mine. I desire also to know, 
 whether now I am a Christian, I am obliged to dress 
 like a Turk, and wear a turbant. 
 " I am, Sir, 
 
 " Your most humble servant, 
 
 " POMPEV."
 
 162 TATLER. N<> 246. 
 
 N 246. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1710. 
 
 Vitiis nemo sine nascitur ; optimus ille 
 
 Qui minimis urgetur. HOR. 1 Sat. iii. C8. 
 
 We have all our vices, and the best 
 
 Is he, who with the fewest is opprest. FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 3. 
 
 WHEN one considers the turn which conversation 
 takes in almost every set of acquaintance, club, or 
 assembly, in this town or kingdom, one cannot but 
 observe, that in spite of what I am every day say- 
 ing, and all the moral writers since the beginning 
 of the world have said, the subject of discourse is 
 generally upon one another's faults. This in a great 
 measure proceeds from self-conceit, which were to 
 be endured in one or other individual person ; but 
 the folly has spread itself almost over all the species ; 
 and one cannot only say, Tom, Jack, or Will, but 
 in general, " that man is a coxcomb." From this 
 source it is, that any excellence is faintly received, 
 any imperfection unmercifully exposed. But if 
 things were put in a true light, and we would take 
 time to consider, that man, in his very nature, is 
 an imperfect being, our sense of this matter would 
 be immediately altered, and the word imperfection 
 would not carry an unkinder idea than the word 
 humanity. It is a pleasant story that we, forsooth, 
 who are the only imperfect creatures in the universe, 
 are the only beings that will not allow of imperfec- 
 tion. Somebody has taken notice, that we stand
 
 NO 246. TATLBR. 163 
 
 in the middle of existencies, and are, by this one 
 circumstance, the most unhappy of all others. The 
 brutes are guided by instinct, and know no sorrow ; 
 the angels have knowledge, and they are happy ; 
 but men are governed by opinion, which is I know 
 not what mixture of instinct and knowledge, and 
 are neither indolent nor happy. It is very observa- 
 ble, that critics are a people between the learned 
 and the ignorant, and, by that situation, enjoy the 
 tranquillity of neither. As critics stand among 
 men, so do men in general between brutes and 
 angels. Thus every man, as he is a critic and a 
 coxcomb, until improved by reason and speculation, 
 is ever forgetting himself, and laying open the faults 
 of others. 
 
 At the same time that I am talking of the cruelty 
 of urging people's faults with severity, I cannot 
 but bewail some which men are guilty of for want 
 of admonition. These are such as they can easily 
 mend, and nobody tells them of, for which reason 
 I shall make use of the penny-post (as I have with 
 success to several young ladies about turning their 
 eyes, and holding up their heads) to certain gentle- 
 men, whom I remark habitually guilty of what they 
 may reform in a moment. There is a fat fellow, 
 whom I have long remarked wearing his breast open 
 in the midst of winter, out of an affectation of youth. 
 I have therefore sent him just now the following let- 
 ter in my physical capacity : 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " From the twentieth instant to the first of May 
 next, both days inclusive, I beg of you to button 
 your waistcoat from your collar to your waistband. 
 I am your most humble servant, 
 
 ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Philomath."
 
 164 TATLER. NO 246, 
 
 There is a very handsome well-shaped youth that 
 frequents the coffee-houses about Charing-Cross, 
 and ties a very pretty ribbon with a cross of jewels 
 at his breast. This being something new, and a 
 thing in which the gentleman may offend the He- 
 rald's-office, I have addressed myself to him as I am 
 Censor. 
 
 " DEAR COUNTRYMAN, 
 
 " Was that ensign of honour which you wear, 
 given you by a prince or a lady that you nave serv- 
 ed ? If you bear it as an absent lover, please to 
 hang it on a black ribbon : if as a rewarded sol- 
 dier, you may have my licence to continue the red. 
 " Your faithful servant, 
 
 BICKERSTAFF, Censor." 
 
 These little intimations do great service, and are 
 very useful, not only to the persons themselves, but 
 to inform others how to conduct themselves, towards 
 them. 
 
 Instead of this honest private method, or a friend- 
 ly one face to face, of acquainting people with things 
 in their power to explain or amend, the usual way 
 among people is to take no notice of things you 
 can help, and nevertheless expose you for those you 
 cannot. 
 
 Plumbeus and Levis are constantly in each other's 
 company ; they would, if they took proper methods,, 
 be very agreeable companions ; but they so extrava- 
 gantly aim at what they are unfit for, and each of 
 them rallies the other so much in the wrong place, 
 that, instead of doing each other the offices of 
 friends, they do but instruct the rest of the world 
 to laugh at them with more knowledge and skill, 
 Plumbeus is of a saturnine and sullen complexion ; 
 Levis of a mercurial and airy disposition. Both
 
 NO 246. TATLER. 165 
 
 
 
 these gentlemen have but very slow parts, but 
 would make a very good figure did they pursue 
 what they ought. If Plumbeus would take to bu- 
 siness, he would, in a few years, know the forms 
 of orders so well as to direct and dictate with so 
 much ease, to be thought a solid, able, and, at the 
 same time, a sure man of dispatch. Levis, with a 
 little reading, and coming more into company, 
 would soon be able to write a song, or lead up a 
 country-dance. Instead of these proper pursuits, 
 in obedience to their respective genuises, Plumbeus 
 endeavours to be a man of pleasure, and Levis the 
 man of business. This appears in their speech, and 
 in their dress; Plumbeus is ever egregiously fine, 
 and talking something like wit : Levis is ever ex- 
 tremely grave, and, with a silly face, repeating 
 maxims. These two pardon each other for affecting 
 what each is incapable of, the one to be wise, and 
 the other gay ; but are extremely critical in their 
 judgments of each other in their way towards what 
 they pretend to. Plumbeus acknowledges Levis to 
 be a man of great reach, because it is what Plum- 
 beus never cared for being thought himself, and 
 Levis allows Plumbeus to be an agreeable rake for 
 the same reason. Now were these dear friends to 
 be free with each other, as they ought to be, they 
 would change characters, and be both as commend- 
 able, instead of being as ridiculous, as their capaci- 
 ties will admit of. 
 
 Were it not too grave, all that I would urge on 
 this subject is, that men are bewildered when they 
 consider themselves in any other view than that of 
 strangers, who are in a place where it is no great 
 matter whether they can, or unreasonable to expect 
 they should, have every thing about them as well as 
 at their own home. This way of thinking is, per-
 
 166 TATLER. N 246 
 
 haps, the only one that can put this being in a pro- 
 per posture for the ease of society. It is certain, 
 that this would reduce all faults into those which 
 proceed from malice, or dishonesty ; it would quite 
 change our manner of beholding one another, and 
 nothing that was not below a man's nature, would 
 be below his character. The arts of this life would 
 be proper advances towards the next ; and a very 
 good man would be a very fine gentleman. As it is 
 now, human life is inverted, and we have not 
 learned half the knowledge of this world before we 
 are dropping into another. Thus, instead of the 
 raptures and contemplations which naturally attend 
 a well-spent life from the approach of eternity, even 
 we old fellows are afraid of the ridicule of those who 
 are born since MS, and ashamed not to understand, 
 as well as peevish to resign, the mode, the fashion, 
 the ladies, the fiddles, the balls, and what not. 
 Dick Reptile, who does not want humour, is very 
 pleasant at our club when he sees an old fellow 
 touchy at being laughed at for any thing that is not 
 in the mode, and bawls in his ear, " Pry'thee do 
 not mind him ; tell him thou art mortal."
 
 N 247- TATLKR. 167 
 
 N 247- TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1710. 
 
 Edepol, nee nos ccque sumut omnes inviste viris 
 Propter paucas, qua omnes faciunt dignte ut videamur malo. 
 
 TER. Hecyr. II. iii. 1. 
 How unjustly 
 
 Do husbands stretch there censure to all wives 
 For the offences of a few, whose vices 
 Reflect dishonour on the rest. COLMAN. 
 
 By Mrs. JENNY DISTAFF, Half Sister to 
 
 Mr. BlCKERSPAFF. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 0. 
 MY brother having written the above piece of Latin, 
 desired me to take care of the rest of the ensuing 
 Paper. Towards this he bid me answer the follow- 
 ing letter, and said, nothing I could write properly 
 on the subject of it would be disagreeable to the 
 motto. It is the cause of my sex, and I therefore 
 enter upon it with great alacrity. The epistle is 
 literally thus : 
 
 Edinburg, Octob. 23. 
 
 " Mr. BlCKF.RSTAFF, 
 
 " I presume to lay before you an affair of mine, 
 and begs you'le be very sinceir in giving me your 
 judgment and advice in this matter, which is as 
 follows : 
 
 " A very agreeable young gentleman, who is en- 
 dowed with all the good qualities that can make a 
 man complete, has this long time naaid love to me
 
 168 TATLER. NO 247. 
 
 in the most passional manner that was posable. 
 Ho has left nothing unsaid to make me believe his 
 affections real ; and, in his letters, expressed him- 
 self so hansomly and so tenderly, that I had all the 
 reason imaginable to belive him sincere. In short, 
 he positively has promised me he would marry me : 
 but I find all he said nothing ; for when the question 
 was put to him, he would not ; but still would con- 
 tinue my humble servant, and would go on at the 
 ould rate, repeating the assurences of his fidelity, 
 and at the same time has none in him. He now writs 
 to me in the same endearing style he ust to do, 
 would have me spake to no man but himself. His 
 estate is in his own hand, his father being dead. 
 My fortune at my own disposal, mine being also 
 dead, and to the full answers his estate. Pray, Sir, 
 be ingeinous, and tell me cordially, if you don't 
 think I shall do myself an injury if I keep company, 
 or a corospondance any longer with this gentleman. 
 I hope you will faver an honest North-Britain, as I 
 anS, with your advice in this amour ; for I am re- 
 solved just to follow your directions. Sir, you will 
 do me a sensable pleasure, and very great honour, 
 if you will please to insert this poor scrole, with 
 your answer to it, in your Tatler. Pray fail not to 
 give me your answer ; for on it depends the happi- 
 ness of 
 
 Disconsolat ALMEIRA." 
 
 " MADAM, 
 
 " I have frequently read over your letter, and 
 am of opinion, that, as lamentable as it is, it is the 
 most common of any evil that attends our sex. I 
 am very much troubled for the tenderness you ex- 
 press towards your lover, but rejoice at the same 
 time that you can so far surmount your inclination 
 for him, as to resolve to dismiss him when you
 
 N<> 247. TATLKR. 169 
 
 have my brother's opinion for it. His sense of the 
 matter he desired me to communicate to you. Oh 
 Almeira! the common failing of our sex is to value 
 the merit of our lovers rather from the grace of 
 their address, than the sincerity of their hearts. 
 He has expressed himself so handsomely ! Can you 
 say that, after you have reason to doubt his truth ? 
 It is a melancholy thing, that in this circumstance 
 of love, which is the most important of all others 
 in female life, we women, who are, they say, al- 
 ways weak, are still weakest. The true way of va- 
 luing a man is, to consider his reputation among 
 the men. For want of this necessary rule towards 
 our conduct, when it is too late, we find ourselves 
 married to the outcasts of that sex ; and it is gene- 
 rally from being disagreeable among men, that fel- 
 lows endeavour to make themselves pleasing to us. 
 The little accomplishments of coming into a room 
 with a good air, and telling, while they are with 
 us, what we cannot hear among ourselves, usually 
 make up the whole of a woman's man's merit*- But 
 if we, when we began to reflect upon our lovers, 
 in the first place, considered what figures they make 
 iu the camp, at the bar, on the exchange, in their 
 country, or at court, we should behold them in quite 
 another view than at present. 
 
 " Were we to behave ourselves according to this 
 rule, we should not have the just imputation of fa- 
 vouring the silliest of mortals, to the great scandal 
 of the wisest, who value our favour as it advances 
 their pleasure, not their reputation. In a word, 
 Madam, if you would judge aright in love, you 
 must look upon it as in a case of friendship. Were 
 this gentleman treating with you for any thing but 
 yourself, when you had consented to his offer, if 
 he fell off, you would call him a cheat and an 
 
 VOL. v. Q
 
 170 TATLER. NO 247. 
 
 impostor. There is, therefore, nothing left for you 
 to do but to despise him, and yourself for doing it 
 with regret. I am, 
 
 Madam, &c." 
 
 I have heard it often argued in conversation, that 
 this evil practice is owing to the perverted taste of 
 the wits in the last generation. A libertine on the 
 throne could very easily make the language and the 
 fashion turn his own way. Hence it is that woman 
 is treated as a mistress, and not a wife. It is from 
 the writings of those times, and the traditional ac- 
 counts of the debauches of their men of pleasure, 
 that the coxcombs now-a-days take upon them, 
 forsooth, to be false swains and perjured lovers. 
 Methinks I feel all the woman rise in me, when I 
 reflect upon the nauseous rogues that pretend to 
 deceive us ; wretches, that can never have it in 
 their power to overreach any thing living but their 
 mistresses ! In the name of goodness, if we are de- 
 signed by nature as suitable companions to the other 
 sex, why are we not treated accordingly ? If we 
 have merit, as some allow, why is it not as base in 
 men to injure us, as one another ? If we are the 
 insignificants that others call us, where is the tri- 
 umph in deceiving us ? But when I look at the 
 bottom of this disaster, and recollect the many of 
 my acquaintance whom I have known in the same 
 condition with the " Northern Lass" that occasions 
 this discourse, I must own I have ever found the 
 perfidiousness of men has been generally owing to 
 ourselves, and we have contributed to our own 
 deceit. The truth is, we do not conduct ourselves, 
 as we are courted, but as we are inclined. When 
 we let our imaginations take this unbridled swing, 
 it is not he that acts best is most lovely, but the that
 
 NO 347. TATLER. 171 
 
 is most lovely acts best. When our humble ser- 
 vants make their addresses, we do not keep our- 
 selves enough disengaged to be judges of their merit ; 
 and we seldom give our judgment of our lover, un- 
 til we have lost our judgment for him. 
 
 While Clarinda was passionately attended and 
 addressed by Strephon, who is a man of sense and 
 knowledge in the world, and Cassio, who has a plen- 
 tiful fortune, and an excellent understanding, she 
 fell in love with Damon at a ball. From that mo- 
 ment, she that was before the most agreeable crea- 
 ture of all my acquaintance, cannot hear Strephon 
 speak, but it is something " so out of the way of 
 ladies' conversation :" and Cassio has never since 
 opened his mouth before us, but she whispers me, 
 " How seldom does riches and sense go together !" 
 The issue of all this is, that for the love of Damon, 
 who has neither experience, understanding, nor 
 wealth, she despises those advantages in the other 
 two which she finds wanting in her lover ; or else 
 thinks he has them for no other reason but because 
 he is her lover. This, and many other instances, 
 may be given in this town ; but I hope thus much 
 may suffice to prevent the growth of such evils at 
 Edinburgh.
 
 1J2 TATLER. NO 24S. 
 
 N 248. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1710. 
 
 Media sese tulit obvia silva, 
 
 f^irginis os habitumque gerens: VIRG. JEn. i. 318. 
 
 Lo ! in the deep recesses of the wood 
 Before my eyes a beauteous form appears, 
 A virgin's dress and modest look she wears. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 By ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 9. 
 
 IT may perhaps appear ridiculous, but I must son- 
 fess, this last summer, as I was riding in Enfield- 
 chase, I met a young lady whom I could hardly get 
 out of my head, and, for aught I know, my heart, 
 ever since. She was mounted on a pad, with a very 
 well-fancied furniture. She set her horse with a 
 very graceful air ; and, when I saluted her with 
 my hat, she bowed to me so obligingly, that whe- 
 ther it was her civility or beauty that touched me so 
 much, I know not ; but I am sure I shall never 
 forget her. She dwells in my imagination in a 
 figure so much to her advantage, that if I were to 
 draw a picture of Youth, Health, Beauty, or Mo- 
 desty, I should represent any, or all of them, in the 
 person of that young woman. 
 
 I do not find that there are any descriptions in the 
 antient poets so beautiful as those they draw of 
 nymphs in their pastoral dresses and exercises. Vir- 
 gil gives Venus the habit of a Spartan huntress, 
 when she is to put ^Eneas in his way, and relieves
 
 so 94S. TATJJER. 173 
 
 his cares with the most agreeable object imaginable. 
 Diana and her train are always described as inhabi- 
 tants of the woods, and followers of the chase. To 
 be well diverted, is the safest guard to innocence ; 
 and, methinks, it should be one of the first things 
 to be regarded among people of condition, to find 
 out proper amusements for young ladies. I cannot 
 but think this of riding might easily be revived 
 among them, when they consider how much it must 
 contribute to their beauty. This would lay up the 
 best portion they could bring into a family, a good 
 stock of health, to transmit to their posterity. .Such 
 a charming bloom, as this gives the countenance, is 
 very much preferable to the real or affected feeble- 
 ness or softness, which appear in the faces of our 
 modern beauties. 
 
 The comedy, called " The Ladies Cure," re- 
 presents the affectation of wan looks and languid 
 glances to a very entertaining extravagance. There 
 is, as the lady in the play complains, something so 
 robust in perfect health, that it is with her a point 
 of breeding and delicacy to appear in public with a 
 sickly air. But the natural gaiety and spirit which 
 shine in the complexion of such as form to them- 
 selves a sort of diverting industry, by choosing re- 
 creations that are exercises, surpass all the false or- 
 naments and graces that can be put on by applying 
 the whole dispensary of a toilet. An healthy body 
 and a cheerful mind, give charms as irresistible as 
 inimitable. The beauteous Dyctinna, who came to 
 town last week, has, from the constant prospect in 
 a delicious country, and the moderate exercise and 
 journies in the visits she made round it, contracted 
 a certain life in her countenance, which will in 
 vain employ both the painters and the poets to re- 
 present. The becoming negligence in her dress, 
 the severe sweetness of her looks, and a certain in- 
 Q 2
 
 174 TATLER. NO 48. 
 
 nocent boldness in all her behaviour, are the effect 
 of the active recreations I am talking of. 
 
 But instead of such, or any other as innocent and 
 pleasing method of passing away their time with 
 alacrity, we have many in town who spend their 
 hours in an indolent state of body and mind, without 
 either recreations or reflections. I am apt to be- 
 lieve there are some parents imagine their daughters 
 will be accomplished enough, if nothing interrupts 
 their growth or their shape. According to this me- 
 thod of education, I could name you twenty families, 
 where all the girls hear of in this life is, that it is 
 time to rise and come to dinner, as if they were so 
 insignificant as to be wholly provided for when they 
 are fed and clothed. 
 
 It is with great indignation that I see such crowds 
 of the female world lost to human society, and con- 
 demned to a laziness which makes life pass away 
 with less relish than in the hardest labour. Pa- 
 lestris, in her drawing-room, is supported by spirits 
 to keep off the returns of spleen and melancholy, be- 
 fore she can get over half of the day, for want of 
 something to do, while the wench in the kitchen 
 sings and scowers from morning to night. 
 
 The next disagreeable thing to a lazy lady, is 
 a very busy one. A man of business in good com- 
 pany, who gives an account of his abilities and dis- 
 patches, is hardly more insupportable than her they 
 call a notable woman and a manager. Lady Good- 
 day, where I visited the other day, at a very polite 
 circle, entertained a great lady with a recipe for a 
 poultice, and gave us to understand, that she had 
 done extraordinary cures since she was last in town. 
 It seems a countryman had wounded himself with 
 his scythe as he was mowing ; and we were obliged 
 to hear of her charity, her medicine, and her hu-
 
 NO 248. TATLER. 175 
 
 mility, in the harshest tone and coarsest language 
 imaginable. 
 
 What I would request in all this prattle is, that 
 our females would either let us have their persons, 
 or their minds, in such perfection as nature designed' 
 them. 
 
 The way to this is, that those who are in the 
 quality of gentlewomen, should propose to them- 
 selves some suitable method of passing away their 
 time. This would furnish them with reflections and 
 sentiments proper for the companions of reasonable 
 men, and prevent the unnatural marriages which 
 happen every day between the most accomplished 
 women and the veriest oafs, the worthiest men and 
 the most insignificant females. Were the general 
 turn of women's education of another kind than it 
 is at present, we should want one another for more 
 reasons than we do as the world now goes. The 
 common design of parents, is to get their girls off as 
 well as they can; and they make no conscience of 
 putting into our hands a bargain for our whole life, 
 which will make our hearts ache every day of it. I 
 shall, therefore, take this matter into serious consi- 
 deration, and will propose for the better improve- 
 ment of the fair sex, a " Female library." This 
 collection of books shall consist of such authors as 
 do not corrupt while they divert, but shall tend 
 more immediately to improve them as they are 
 women. They shall be such as shall not hurt a 
 feature by the austerity of their reflections, nor 
 cause one impertinent glance by the wantonness of 
 them. They shall all tend to advance the value of 
 their innocence as virgins, improve their under- 
 standing as wives, and regulate their tenderness as 
 parents. It has been very often said in these Lucu- 
 brations, " that the ideas which most frequently 
 pass through our imaginations, leave traces of them-
 
 176 TATLBR. N 249. 
 
 selves in our countenances." There shall be a 
 strict regard had to this in my Female Library, 
 which shall be furnished with nothing that shall give 
 supplies to oetentation or impertinence : but the 
 whole shall be so digested for the use of my students, 
 that they shall not go out of character in their in- 
 quiries, but their knowledge appear only a culti- 
 vated innocence. 
 
 N'249. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1?10. 
 
 Per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum, 
 
 Tendimus. VIRG. /En. i. 208. 
 
 Through various hazards and events we move. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 10. 
 I WAS last night visited by a friend of mine, who 
 has an inexhaustible fund of discourse, and never 
 fails to entertain his company with a variety of 
 thoughts and hints that are altogether new and un- 
 common. Whether it were in complaisance to my 
 way of living, or his real opinion, he advanced the 
 following paradox : that it required much greater 
 talents to fill up and become a retired life than a life 
 of business. Upon this occasion he rallied very 
 agreeably the busy men of the age, who only valued 
 themselves for being in motion and passing through 
 a series of trifling and insignificant actions. In the 
 heat of his discourse, seeing a piece of money lying
 
 NO 849. TATLER, 177 
 
 on my table, " I defy," says he, " any of these 
 active persons to produce half the adventures that 
 this Twelvepenny-piece has been engaged in, were 
 it possible for him to give us an account, of his 
 life." 
 
 My friend's talk made so odd an impression upon 
 my mind, that soon after I was a-bed I fell insen- 
 sibly into an unaccountable reverie, that had neither 
 moral nor design in it, and cannot be so properly 
 called a dream as a delirium. 
 
 Methought the Shilling that lay upon the table 
 reared itself upon its edge, and, turning the face 
 towards me, opened its mouth, and in a soft silver 
 sound, gave me the following account of his life and 
 adventures : 
 
 " I was born," says he, " on the side of a moun- 
 tain, near a little village of Peru, and made a voy- 
 age to England in an ingot, under the convoy of 
 Sir Francis Drake. I was, soon after my arrival, 
 taken out of my Indian habit, refined, naturalized, 
 and put into the British mode, with the face of 
 Queen Elizabeth on one side, and the arms of the 
 country on the other. Being thus equipped, I 
 found in me a wonderful inclination to ramble, and 
 visit all the parts of the new world into which I was 
 brought. The people very much favoured my na- 
 tural disposition, and shifted me so fast from hand 
 to hand, that, before I was five years old, 1 had 
 travelled into almost every corner of the nation. 
 But in the beginning of my sixth year, to my un- 
 speakable grief, I fell into the hands of a miserable 
 old fellow, who clapped me into an iron chest, 
 where I found five hundred more of my own qua- 
 lity who lay under the same confinement. The only 
 relief we had, was to be taken out and counted 
 over in the fresh air every morning and evening. 
 After an imprisonment of several years, we heard
 
 178 TATLER. NO 949. 
 
 somebody knocking at our chest, and breaking it 
 open with a hammer. This we found was the old 
 man's heir, who, as his father lay dying, was so 
 good as to come to our release. He separated us 
 that very day. What was the fate of my compa- 
 nions I know not : as for myself, I was sent to the 
 apothecary's shop for a pint of sack. The apothe- 
 cary gave me to an herb-woman, the herb-woman 
 to a butcher, the butcher to a brewer, and the 
 brewer to his wife, who made a present of me to a 
 non-conformist preacher. After this manner I made 
 my way merrily through the world : for, as I told 
 you before, we Shillings love nothing so much as 
 travelling. I sometimes fetched in a shoulder of 
 mutton, sometimes a play-book, and often had the 
 satisfaction to treat a templar at a twelvepenny or- 
 dinary, or carry him with three friends to Westmin- 
 ster-hall. 
 
 " In the midst of this pleasant progress which I 
 made from place to place, I was arrested by a su- 
 perstitious old woman, who shut me up in a greasy 
 purse, in pursuance of a foolish saying, ' that while 
 she kept a Queen Elizabeth's shilling about her, she 
 should never be without money.' I continued here 
 a close prisoner for many months, until at last I was 
 exchanged for eight-and-forty farthings. 
 
 " I thus rambled from pocket to pocket until the 
 beginning of the civil wars, when, to my shame be 
 it spoken, I was employed in raising soldiers against 
 the king : for, being of a very tempting breadth, a 
 Serjeant made use of me to inveigle country fellows, 
 and list them into the service of parliament. 
 
 " As soon as he had made one man sure, his way 
 was, to oblige him to take a shilling of a more 
 homely figure, and then practise the same trick 
 upon another. Thus I continued doing great mis- 
 chief to the crown, until m.y officer chancing one
 
 NO 249. TATLER. 179 
 
 morning to walk abroad earlier than ordinary, sa- 
 crificed me to his pleasures, and rnsfie use of me to 
 seduce a milk-maid. This wench bent me, and 
 gave me to her sweetheart, applying more properly 
 than she intended the usual form of " to my love 
 and from my love." This ungenerous gallant mar- 
 rying her within a few days after, pawned me for a 
 dram of brandy ; and drinking me out next day, I 
 was beaten fiat with an hammer, and again set 
 a-running. 
 
 " After many adventures, which it would be te- 
 dious to relate, I was sent to a young spendthrift, 
 in company with the will of his deceased father. 
 The young fellow, who I found was very extrava- 
 gant, gave great demonstrations of joy at receiving 
 the will ; but opening it, he found himself disin- 
 herited, and cut off from the possession of a fair 
 estate by virtue of my being made a present to him. 
 This put him into such a passion, that, after having 
 taken me in his hand, and cursed me, he squirred 
 me away from him as far as he could fling me. ' I 
 chanced to light in an unfrequented place under a 
 dead wall, where I lay undiscovered and useless 
 during the usurpation of Oliver Cromwell. 
 
 " About a year after the king's return, a poor 
 cavalier, that was walking there about dinner-time, 
 fortunately cast his eye upon me, and, to the great 
 joy of us both, carried me to a cook's-shop, where 
 he dined upon me, and drank the king's health. 
 When I came again into the world, I found that I 
 had been happier in my retirement than I thought, 
 having probably by that means escaped wearing a 
 monstrous pair of breeches. 
 
 " Being now of great credit and antiquity, I 
 was rather looked upon as a medal than an ordinary 
 coin : for which reason a gamester laid hold of me, 
 and converted me to a counter, having got togethef
 
 180 TATLER. NO 849. 
 
 some dozens of ; us for that use. We led a melan- 
 choly life in &is possession, being busy at those 
 hours wherein current coin is at rest, and partaking 
 the fate of our master; being in a few moments 
 valued at a crown, a pound, or a sixpence, accord- 
 ing to the situation in which the fortune of the cards 
 placed us. I had at length the good luck to see my 
 master break, by which means I was again sent 
 abroad, under my primitive denomination of a 
 Shilling. 
 
 " I shall pass over many other accidents of less 
 moment, and hasten to that fatal catastrophe when 
 I fell into the hands of an artist, who conveyed me 
 under ground, and, with an unmerciful pair of 
 sheers, cut oft' my titles, clipped my brims, re- 
 trenched my shape, rubbed me to my inmost ring ; 
 and, in short, so spoiled and pillaged me, that he 
 did not leave me worth a groat. You may think 
 what confusion I was in to see myself thus curtailed 
 and disfigured. I should have been ashamed to 
 have shewn my head, had not all my old acquaint- 
 ance been reduced to the same shameful figure, 
 excepting some few that were punched through the 
 belly. In the midst of this general calamity, when 
 every body thought our misfortune irretrievable, 
 and our case desperate, we were thrown into the fur- 
 nace together, and, as it often happens with cities 
 rising out of a fire, appeared with greater beauty 
 and lustre than we could ever boast of before. 
 What has happened to me since this change of sex 
 which you now see, I shall take some other oppor- 
 tunity to relate. In the mean time I shall only re- 
 peat two adventures, as being very extraordinary, 
 and neither of them having ever happened to me 
 above once in my life. The first was, my being in 
 a poet's pocket, who was so taken with the bright- 
 ness and novelty of my appearance, that it gave
 
 NO 250. TATLER. 181 
 
 occasion to the finest burlesque poem in the British 
 language, entitled, from me, The Splendid Shilling. 
 The second adventure, which I must not omit, 
 happened to me in the year 1703, when I was given 
 away in charity to a blind man ; but indeed this 
 was by mistake, the person who gave me having 
 thrown me heedlessly into the hat among a penny- 
 worth of farthings. 
 
 N 250. TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1710. 
 
 Scis enimjustum gemina suspender e lance 
 
 Ancipitis libra ? PERS. Sat. iv. 10. 
 
 Knuw'st tbou with equal hand to hold the scale. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 13. 
 
 I LAST winter erected a court of justice for the cor- 
 recting of several enormities in dress and behaviour, 
 which are not cognizable in any other courts of this 
 realm. The vintner's case, which I there tried, is 
 still fresh in every man's memory. That of the 
 petticoat gave also a general satisfaction: not to 
 mention the more important points of the cane and 
 perspective : in which, if I did not give judgments 
 and decrees, according to the strictest rules of 
 equity and justice, I can safely say, I acted accord- 
 ing to the best of my understanding. But as for the 
 proceedings of that court, I shall refer my reader to 
 VOL. v. R
 
 181 TATLER. NO 250. 
 
 an account of them, written by my secretary ; 
 which is now in the press, and will shortly be pub- 
 lished under the stile of Lillie's " Reports*." 
 
 As I last year presided over a court of justice, it 
 is my intention this year to set myself at the head 
 of a court of honour. There is no court of this na- 
 ture any where at present, except in France ; where, 
 according to the best of my intelligence, it consists 
 of such only as are marshals of that kingdom. I am 
 likewise informed, that there is not one of that ho- 
 nourable board at present, who has not been driven 
 out of the field by the duke of Marlborough : but 
 whether this be only an accidental or a necessary 
 qualification, I must confess I am not able to de- 
 termine. 
 
 As for the court of honour of which I am here 
 speaking, I intend to set myself in it as president, 
 with several men of honour on my right-hand, and 
 women of virtue on my left, as my assistants. The 
 first place on the bench I have given to an old 
 Tangereen captain with a wooden leg. The second 
 is a gentleman of a long twisted periwig without a 
 curl in it, a muff with very little hair upon it, and a 
 thread-bare coat with new buttons ; being a person 
 of great worth, and second brother to a man of qua- 
 lity. The third is a gentleman usher, extremely 
 well read in romances, and grandson to one of the 
 greatest wits in Germany, who was some time 
 master of the ceremonies to the duke of Wolfem- 
 buttle. 
 
 As for those who sit further on my right hand, 
 as it is usual in public courts f, they are such as will 
 
 * Charles Lillie. 
 
 J- This alludes to the masters in chancery, who sit on th 
 bench with the lord chancellor, sole judge of the court.
 
 NO 250; TATLER. 193 
 
 fill up the number of faces upon the bench, and 
 serve rather for ornament than use. 
 
 The chief upon my left-hand are, 
 
 An old maiden lady, that preserves some of the 
 best blood of England in her veins. 
 
 A Welsh woman of a little stature, but high 
 spirit. 
 
 An old prude, that has censured every marriage 
 for these thirty years, and is lately wedded to a 
 young rake. 
 
 Having thus furnished my bench, I shall esta- 
 blish correspondences with the horse-guards, and 
 the veterans of Chelsea-College ; the former to fur- 
 nish me with twelve men of honour as often as I 
 shall have occasion for a grand jury ; and the latter, 
 with as ' many good men and true, for a petty 
 jury. 
 
 As for the women of virtue, it will not be diffi- 
 cult for me to find them about midnight at crimp 
 and basset. 
 
 Having given this public notice of my court, I 
 must further add, that I intend to open it on this 
 day sevennight, being Monday the twentieth in- 
 stant ; and do hereby invite all such as have suffered 
 injuries and affronts, that are not to be redressed by 
 the common laws of this land, whether they be short 
 bows, cold salutations, supercilious looks, unre- 
 turned smiles, distant behaviour, or forced familia- 
 rity ; as also all such as have been aggrieved by any 
 ambiguous expression, accidental justle, or unkind 
 repartee ; likewise all such as have been defrauded 
 of their right to the wall, tricked out of the upper 
 end of the table, or have been suffered to place 
 themselves, in their own wrong, on the back-seat 
 of the coach. These, and all of these, I do, as I 
 above said, invite to bring in their several cases and
 
 184 TATLBR. NO 250. 
 
 complaints, in which they shall be relieved with all 
 imaginable expedition. 
 
 I am very sensible, that the office I have now 
 taken upon me will engage me in the disquisition of 
 many weighty points, that daily perplex the youth 
 of the British nation ; and, therefore, I have al- 
 ready discussed several of them for my future use ; 
 as, " how far a man may brandish his cane in telling 
 a story, without insulting his hearer;" "what de- 
 gree of contradiction amounts to the lie ;" " how a 
 man shall resent another's staring and cocking a hat 
 in his face ;" " if asking pardon is an atonement for 
 treading upon one's toes;" " whether a man may 
 put up with a box on the ear received from a 
 stranger in the dark ;" or, " whether a man of ho- 
 nour may take a blow of his wife ;" with several 
 other subtilties of the like nature. 
 
 For my directions in the duties of my office, I 
 have furnished myself with a certain astrological 
 pair of scales, which I have contrived for this pur- 
 pose. In one of them I lay the injuries, in the 
 other the reparations. The first are represented by 
 little weights made of a metal resembling iron, and 
 the other of gold. These are not only lighter than 
 the weights made use of in avoirdupois, but also 
 such as are used in Troy-weight. The heaviest of 
 those that represent the injuries amount but to 
 a scruple ; and decrease by so many sub-divisions, 
 that there are several imperceptible weights which 
 cannot be seen without the help of a very fine mi- 
 croscope. I might acquaint my reader, that these 
 scales were made under the influence of the sun 
 when he was in Libra, and describe many signa- 
 tures on the weights both of injury and reparation : 
 but as this would look rather to proceed from an 
 ostentation of my own art, than any care for the 
 public, I shall pass it over in silence.
 
 NO 251. TATLER. 185 
 
 N' 2 1 5. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1710. 
 
 Quisnam igitur liber ? Sapiens, sibi qui tmperiosus ; 
 Quern neque pauperies, neque mors, nee vincula terrent ; 
 Kesponsare cupidinibus, conlemnere honores 
 Fnrtia, et in seip$o totus i leres atque rotundus, 
 Externi ne quid valeat per lacve morari; 
 In quern manca ruit semper fortuna. 
 
 HOR. 2 Sat. vii. 83. 
 
 Who then is free? The wise, who well maintains 
 An empire o'er himself; who neither chains, 
 Nor want, nor death, with slavish fear inspire, 
 Who boldly answers to his'warm desire, 
 Who can ambition's vainest gifts despise, 
 Firm in himself who on himself relies, 
 Polisb'd and round who runs his proper course, 
 And breaks misfortune with superior force. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my otpn Apartment, November 15. 
 
 IT is necessay to an easy and happy life, to possess 
 our minds in such a manner as to be always well sa- 
 tisfied with our own reflections. The way to this 
 state is to measure our actions by our own opinion, 
 and not by that of the rest of the world. The sense 
 of other men ought to prevail over us in things of 
 less consideration, but not in concerns where truth 
 and honour are engaged. When we look into the 
 bottom of things, what at first appears a paradox is 
 a plain truth ; and those professions, which, for 
 want of being duly weighed, seem to proceed from a 
 sort of romantic philosophy, and ignorance of the 
 world, after a little reflection, are so reasonable
 
 186 TATLBR. NO 251. 
 
 that it is direct madness to walk by any other rules. 
 Thus to contradict our desires, and to conquer the 
 impulses of our ambition, if they do not fall in with 
 what we in our inward sentiments approve, is so 
 much our interest, and so absolutely necessary to 
 our real happiness, that to contemn all the wealth 
 and power in the world, where they stand in com- 
 petition with a man's honour, is rather good sense 
 than greatness of mind. 
 
 Did we consider that the mind of a man is the 
 man himself, we should think it the most unnatural 
 sort of self-murder to sacrifice the sentiment of the 
 soul to gratify the appetites of the body. Bless us! 
 is it possible, that when the necessities of life are 
 supplied, a man would flatter to be rich, or cir- 
 cumvent to be powerful! When we meet a poor 
 wretch, urged with hunger and cold, asking an 
 alms, we are apt to think this a state we could 
 rather starve than submit to: but yet how much 
 more despicable is his condition, who is above ne- 
 cessity, and yet shall resign his reason and his inte- 
 grity to purchase superfluities ! Both these are ab- 
 ject and common beggars ; but sure it is less despi- 
 cable to beg a supply to a man's hunger than his 
 vanity. But custom and general prepossessions have 
 so far prevailed over an unthinking world, that those 
 necessitous creatures, who cannot relish life with- 
 out applause, attendance, and equipage, are so far 
 from making a contemptible figure, that distressed 
 virtue is less esteemed than successful vice. But if 
 a man's appeal, in cases that regard his honour, 
 were made to hig own soul, there would be a basis, 
 and standing rule for our conduct, and we should 
 always endeavour rather to be, than appear ho- 
 nourable. Mr. Collier, in his " Essay on Forti- 
 tude," has treated this subject with great wit and 
 magnanimity. " What," says he, " can be more
 
 TATLER. 187 
 
 honourable than to have courage enough to execute 
 the commands of reason and conscience ; to main- 
 tain the dignity of our nature, and the station as- 
 signed us ? to be proof against poverty, pain, and 
 death itself; I mean so far as not to do any thing 
 that is scandalous or sinful to avoid them : to stand 
 adversity under all shapes with decency and reso- 
 lution ! To do this, is to be great above title and 
 fortune. This argues the soul of an heavenly ex- 
 traction, and is worthy the offspring of the Deity." 
 
 What a generous ambition has this man pointed 
 to us ! When men have settled in themselves a con- 
 viction, by such noble precepts, that there is no- 
 thing honourable which is not accompanied with in- 
 nocence ; nothing mean but what has guilt in it : I 
 say, when they have attained thus much, though 
 poverty, pain, and death, may still retain their 
 terrors; yet riches, pleasures, and honours, will 
 easily lose their charms, if they stand between us 
 and our integrity. 
 
 What is here said with allusion to fortune and 
 fame, may as justly be applied to wit and beauty ; 
 for these latter are as adventitious as the other, and 
 as little concern the essence of the soul. They are 
 all laudable in the man who possesses them, only 
 for the just application of them. A bright imagi- 
 nation, while it is subservient to an honest and 
 noble soul, is a faculty which makes a man justly 
 admired by mankind, and furnishes him with re- 
 flections upon his own actions, which add delicates 
 to the feast of a good conscience ; but when wit 
 descends to wait upon sensual pleasures, or promote 
 the base purposes of ambition, it is then to be con- 
 temned in proportion to its excellence. If a man 
 will not resolve to place the foundation of his hap- 
 piness in his own mind, life is a bewildered and
 
 188 TATLER. NO 251. 
 
 unhappy state, incapable of rest or tranquillity. For 
 to such a one, the general applause of valour, wit, 
 nay of honesty itself, can give him but a very fee- 
 ble comfort ; since it is capable of being interrupted 
 by any one who wants either understanding or good- 
 nature to see or acknowledge such excellencies. 
 This rule is so necessary, that one may very safely 
 say, it is impossible to know any true relish of our 
 being without it. Look about you in common life 
 among the ordinary race of mankind, and you will 
 find merit in every kind is allowed only to those who 
 are in particular districts or sets of company : but, 
 since men can have little pleasure in these faculties 
 which denominate them persons of distinction, let 
 them give up such an empty pursuit, and think no- 
 thing essential to happiness but what is in their own 
 power ; the capacity of reflecting with pleasure oft 
 their own actions, however they are interpreted. 
 
 It is so evident a truth, that it is only in our own 
 bosoms we are to search for any thing to make us 
 happy, that it is, methinks, a disgrace to our na- 
 ture to talk of taking our measures from thence 
 only, as a matter of fortitude. When all is well 
 there, the vicissitudes and distinctions of life are the 
 mere scenes of a drama ; and he will never act his 
 part well, who has his thoughts more fixed upon 
 the applause of the audience than the design of his 
 part. 
 
 The life of a man who acts with a steady inte- 
 grity, without valuing the interpretation of his 
 actions, has but one uniform regular path to move 
 in, where he cannot meet opposition, or fear am- 
 buscade. On the other side, the least deviation 
 from the rules of honour introduces a train of num- 
 berless evils, and involves him in inexplicable mazes. 
 He that has entered into guilt has bid adieu to rest ;
 
 Jjo 252. TATLER. 189 
 
 and every criminal has his share of the misery ex- 
 pressed so emphatically in the tragedian, 
 
 Macbeth shall sleep no more ! 
 
 It was with detestation of any other grandeur but 
 the calm command of his own passions, that the 
 excellent Mr. Cowley cries out with so much 
 justice, 
 
 If e'er Ambition did my fancy cheat 
 With any thought so mean as to lie great, 
 Continue, Heaven, still from me to remove 
 The humble blessings of that life I love! 
 
 N 252. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18, IflO. 
 
 Narratur et prisci Catonis 
 
 Sape mero caluisse virtia. HOR. 3 Od. xxi. 11. 
 
 Of old 
 
 Cato's virtue, we are told, 
 Often with a bumper glow'd, 
 And with social raptures flow'd. FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 17- 
 
 THE following letter, and several others to the same 
 purpose, accuse me of a rigour of which I am far 
 from being guilty, to wit, the disallowing the cheer- 
 ful use of wine. 
 
 " From my Country House, October 25. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " Your discourse against drinking, in Tuesday's 
 Taller, I like well enough in the main ; but, in my
 
 190 TATLER. NO 252. 
 
 humble opinion, you are become too rigid, where 
 you say to this effect: Were there only this single 
 consideration, that we are the less masters of our- 
 selves if we drink the least proportion beyond the 
 exigence of thirst. I hope no one drinks wine to 
 allay this appetite. This seems to be designed for a 
 loftier indulgence of nature ; for it were hard to 
 suppose that the Author of Nature, who imposed 
 upon her her necessities and pains, does not allow 
 her her proper pleasures ; and we may reckon 
 among the latter the moderate use of the grape. 
 Though I am as much against excess, or whatever 
 approaches it, as yourself; yet I conceive one may 
 safely go farther than the bounds you there prescribe, 
 not only without forfeiting the title of being one's 
 own master, but also to possess it in a much greater 
 degree. If a man's expressing himself upon 
 any subject with more life and vivacity, more va- 
 riety of ideas, more copiously, more fluently, and 
 more to the purpose, argues it ; he thinks clearer, 
 speaks more ready, and with greater choice of com- 
 prehensive and significant terms. I have the good 
 fortune now to be intimate with a gentleman * re- 
 markable for this temper, who has an inexhausti- 
 ble source of wit to entertain the curious, the grave, 
 the humorous, and the frolic. He can transform 
 himself into different shapes, and adapt himself to 
 every company; yet in a coffee-house, or in the 
 ordinary course of affairs, he appears rather dull 
 than sprightly. You can seldom get him to the ta- 
 vern ; but when he is once arrived to his pint, and 
 begins to look about and like his company, you ad- 
 mire a thousand things in him, which before lay 
 buried. Then you discover the brightness of his 
 mind, and the strength of his judgment, accompa- 
 
 * Mr. Addison.
 
 NO 252. TATLER. 191 
 
 nied with the most graceful mirth. In a word, by 
 this enlivening aid, he is whatever is polite, in- 
 structive, and diverting. What makes him still 
 more agreeable is, that he tells us a story, serious or 
 comical, with as much delicacy of humour as Cer- 
 vantes himself. And for all this, at other times, 
 even after a long knowledge of him, you shall 
 scarce discern in this incomparable person a whit 
 more than what might be expected from one of a 
 common capacity. Doubtless, there are men of 
 great parts that are guilty of downright bashfulness, 
 that, by a strange hesitation and reluctance to speak, 
 murder the finest and most elegant thoughts, and 
 render the most lively conceptions flat and heavy. 
 
 " In this case, a certain quantity of my white or 
 red cordial, which you will, is an easy, but an in- 
 fallible remedy. It awakens the judgment, quick- 
 ens the memory, ripens the understanding, dis- 
 perses melancholy, cheers the heart ; in a word, 
 restores the whole man to himself and his friends, 
 without the least pain or indisposition to the patient. 
 To be taken only in the evening, in a reasonable 
 quantity, before going to-bed. Note ; My bottles 
 are sealed with three flower-de-luces and a bunch 
 of grapes. Beware of counterfeits. I am your most 
 humble servant, &c." 
 
 Whatever has been said against the use of wine, 
 upon the supposition that it enfeebles the mind, and 
 renders it unfit for the duties of life, bears forcibly 
 to the advantages of that delicious juice in cases where 
 it only heightens conversation, and brings to light 
 agreeable talents, which otherwise would have lain 
 concealed under the oppression of an unjust modesty. 
 I must acknowledge I have seen many of the temper 
 mentioned by this correspondent, and own wine
 
 192 TATLER. NO 252 . 
 
 may very allowably be used, in a degree above the 
 supply of mere necessity, by such as labour under 
 melancholy, or are tongue-tied by modesty. It is 
 certainly a very agreeable change, when we see a 
 glass raise a lifeless conversation into all the plea- 
 sures of wit and good-humour. But when Caska 
 adds to his natural impudence the fluster of a 
 bottle, that which fools called fire when he was 
 sober, all men abhor as outrage when he is drunk. 
 Thus he, that in the morning was only saucy, is in 
 the evening tumultuous. It makes one sick to hear 
 one of these fellows say, " they love a friend and a 
 bottle." Noisy mirth has something too rustic in it 
 to be considered without terror by men of polite- 
 ness : but while the discourse improves in a well- 
 chosen company, from the addition of spirits which 
 flow from moderate cups, it must be acknowledged, 
 that leisure-time cannot be more agreeably, or per- 
 haps more usefully employed, than at such meet- 
 ings. There is a certain prudence in this, and all 
 other circumstances which makes right or wrong 
 in the conduct of ordinary life. Sir Jeoffrey Wild- 
 acre has nothing so much at heart, as that his son 
 should know the world betimes. For this end he 
 introduces him among the sots of his own age, 
 where the boy learns to laugh at his father from the 
 familiarity with which he sees him treated by his 
 equals. This the old fellow calls " living well with 
 his heir, and teaching him to be too much his friend 
 to be impatient for his estate." But, for the more 
 exact regulation of society in this and other matters, 
 I shall publish tables of the characters and relations 
 among men, and by them instruct the town in 
 making sets and companies for a bottle. This hu- 
 mour of Sir Jeoifrey shall be taken notice of in the 
 first place ; for there is, methinks, a sort of incest
 
 NO 252. TATLEll. 195 
 
 in drunkenness, and sons are not to behold fathers 
 stripped of all reverence. 
 
 It is shocking in nature for the young to see 
 those, whom they should have an awe for, in cir- 
 cumstances of contempt. I shall therefore utterly 
 forbid, that those whom nature should admonish to 
 avoid too gross familiarities, shall be received into 
 parties of pleasure where there is the least danger of 
 excess. I should run through the whole doctrine of 
 drinking, but that my thoughts are at present too 
 much employed in the modelling my " Court of 
 Honour," and altering the seats, benches, bar, and 
 canopy, from that of the court wherein I, last win- 
 ter, sat upon causes of less moment. By the way, 
 I shall take an opportunity to examine, what me- 
 thod is to be taken to make joiners and other arti- 
 ficers get out of a house they have once entered ; 
 not forgetting to tie them under proper regulations. 
 It is for want of such rules that I have, a day or 
 two longer than I expected, been tormented and 
 deafened with hammers ; insomuch, that I neither 
 can pursue this discourse, nor answer the following 
 and many other letters of the highest importance. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " We are man and wife, and have a boy and a 
 girl ; the lad seventeen, the maiden sixteen. We 
 are quarrelling about some parts of their education. 
 I Ralph cannot bear that I must pay for the girl's 
 learning on the spinnet, when I know she has no 
 ear. I Bridget have not patience to have my son 
 whipped because he cannot make verses, when I 
 know he is a blockhead. Pray, Sir, inform us, is 
 it absolutely necessary that all who wear breeches 
 must be taught to rhyme ; all in petticoats to touch 
 an instrument ? Please to interpose in this and the 
 
 VOL. v. s
 
 194 TATLER. N 253. 
 
 like cases, to end much solid distress which arises 
 from trifling causes, as it is common in wedlock, 
 and you will very much oblige us and ours, 
 
 N253. TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1?10. 
 
 Pietale gravem ac meritis si forte virum quern 
 Conspexere, silent, arrectl<tque auribus as t ant. 
 
 VIRG. >En. i. 155. 
 
 If then some grave and pious man appear, 
 They hush their noise, and lend a listening ear. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 20. 
 
 Extract of the Journal of the Court of Honour, 1710. 
 Dit Lunar, vicesimo Novembris, hard nond antemeridiand. 
 
 THE court being sat, an oath prepared by the Censor 
 was administered to the assistants on his right-hand, 
 who were all sworn upon their honour. The women 
 on his left-hand took the same oath upon their re- 
 putation. Twelve gentlemen of the horse-guards 
 were impannelled, having unanimously chosen Mr. 
 Alexander Truncheon, who is their right-hand man 
 in the troop, for their foreman in the jury. Mr. 
 Truncheon immediately drew his sword, and, hold- 
 ing it with the point towards his own body, pre-
 
 NO 253. TATLER. 195 
 
 sented it to the Censor. Mr. Bickerstaff received 
 it ; and, after having surveyed the breadth of the 
 blade, and sharpness of the point, with more than 
 ordinary attention, returned it to the foreman in a 
 very graceful manner. The rest of the jury, upon 
 the delivery of the sword to their foreman, drew all 
 of them together as one man, and saluted the bench 
 with such an air, as signified the most resigned 
 submission to those who commanded them, and the 
 greatest magnanimity to execute what they should 
 command. 
 
 Mr. Bickerstaff, after having received the com- 
 pliments on his right hand, cast his eye upon the 
 left, where the whole female jury paid their respects 
 by a low courtesy, and by laying their hands upon 
 their mouths. Their forewoman was a professed 
 Platonist, that had spent much of her time in ex- 
 horting the sex to set a just value upon their per- 
 sons, and to make the men know themselves. 
 
 There followed a profound silence, when at 
 length, after some recollection, the Censor, who 
 continued hitherto uncovered, put on his hat with 
 great dignity; and, after having composed the 
 brims of it in a manner suitable to the gravity of 
 his character, he gave the following charge ; which 
 was received with silence and attention, that being 
 the only applause which he admits of, or is ever 
 given in his presence. 
 
 " The nature of my office, and the solemnity of 
 this occasion, requiring that I should open my first 
 session with a speech, I shall cast what I have to 
 say under two principal heads. 
 
 " Under the first, I shall endeavour to show the 
 necessity and usefulness of this new erected court ; 
 and, under the second, I shall give a word of ad- 
 vice and instruction to every constituent part of it,
 
 196 TATLER. NO 253. 
 
 , " As for the first, it is well observed by Phaedrus, 
 an heathen poet, 
 
 Nisi utile est quodfacimus,frustra est gloria. 
 Which is the same, ladies, as if I should say, it 
 would be of no reputation for me to be president of 
 a court which is of no benefit to the public. Now 
 the advantages that may arise to the weal-public 
 from this institution will more plainly appear if we 
 consider what it suffers for the want of it. Are not 
 our streets daily filled with wild pieces of justice, 
 and random penalties ? Are not crimes undeter- 
 mined, and reparations disproportioned ? How often 
 have we seen the lie punished by death, and the 
 liar himself deciding his own cause ! nay, not only 
 acting the judge, but the executioner ! Have we not 
 known a box on the ear more severely accounted for 
 than man-slaughter ? In these extra-judicial pro- 
 ceedings of mankind, an unmannerly jest is fre- 
 quently as capital as a premeditated murder. 
 " But the most pernicious circumstance in this 
 case is, that the man who suffers the injury must 
 put himself upon the same foot of danger with him 
 that gave it, before he can have his just revenge ; 
 so that the punishment is altogether accidental, 
 and may fall as well upon the innocent as the 
 guilty. 
 
 " I shall only mention a case which happens fre- 
 quently among the more polite nations of the world, 
 and which I the rather mention, because both sexes 
 are concerned in it, and which therefore you gen- 
 tlemen, and you ladies of the jury, will the rather 
 take notice of; I mean, that great and known case 
 of cuckoldom. Supposing the person who has suf- 
 fered insults in his dearer and better-half; sup- 
 posing I say, this person should resent the injuries 
 done to his tender wife ; what is the reparation he
 
 NO "253. TATLER. 197 
 
 may expect ? Why, to be used worse than his poor 
 lady, run through the body, and left breathless upon 
 the bed of honour. What then, will you on my 
 right-hand say, must the man do that is affronted? 
 Must our sides be elbowed, our shins broken ? Must 
 the wall, or perhaps our mistress, be taken from us ? 
 May a man knit his forehead into a frown, toss up 
 his arm ; or pish at what we say, and must the vil- 
 lain live after it ? Is there no redress for injured 
 honour ? Yes, gentlemen, that is the design of the 
 judicature we have here established. 
 
 " A court of conscience, we very well know, 
 was first instituted for the determining of several 
 points of property, that were too little and trivial 
 for the cognizance of higher courts of justice. In 
 the same manner, our court of honour is appointed 
 for the examination of several niceties and punc- 
 tilios, that do not pass for wrongs in the eye of our 
 common laws. But notwithstanding no legislators 
 of any nation have taken into consideration these 
 little circumstances, they are such as often lead to 
 crimes big enough for their inspection, though they 
 come before them too late for their redress. 
 
 " Besides, I appeal to you, ladies, (here Mr. 
 Bickerstaff turned to his left hand) if these are not 
 the little stings and thorns in life, that make it more 
 uneasy than its most substantial evils ? Confess in- 
 genuously, did you never lose a morning's devotions 
 because you could not offer them up from the highest 
 place of the pew ? Have you not been in pain even 
 at a ball, because another has been taken out to 
 dance before you ? Do you love any of your friends 
 so much as those that are below you ? Or, have 
 you any favourites that walk on your right-hand ? 
 You have answered me in your looks; I ask no 
 more. 
 
 s<2
 
 198 TATLER. 
 
 " I come now to the second part of my discourse, 
 which obliges me to address myself in particular to 
 the respective members of the court, in which I 
 shall be very brief. 
 
 " As for you, gentlemen and ladies, my assistants 
 and grand juries, I have made choice of you on my 
 right hand, because I know you very jealous of your 
 honour ; and you on my left, be'cause I know you 
 very much concerned for the reputation of others ; 
 for which reason I expect great exactness and im- 
 partiality in your verdicts and judgments. 
 
 " I must, in the next place, address myself to 
 you gentlemen of the counsel : you all know that I 
 have not chosen you for your knowledge in the li- 
 tigious parts of the law; but because you have all of 
 you formerly fought duels, of which I have reason 
 to think you have repented, as being now settled in 
 the peaceable state of benchers. My advice to you 
 is, only that in your pleadings you will be short and 
 expressive. To which end, you are to banish out 
 of your discourses all synonymous terms, and unne- 
 cessary multiplication of verbs and nouns. I do 
 moreover forbid you the use of the words also and 
 likewise ; and must further declare, that if I catch 
 any one among you, upon any pretence whatsoever, 
 using the particle or, I shall instantly order him to 
 be stripped of his gown, and thrown over the bar. 
 
 " This is a true copy : 
 
 CHARLES LILLIE." 
 
 N. B. The sequel of the proceedings of this day 
 will be published on Tuesday next.
 
 N 254. TATLER. J99 
 
 N 254. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1710. 
 
 Splendid* mendax HOR. 2 Od. iii. 35 
 
 Gloriously false FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 22. 
 
 THERE are no books which I more delight in than 
 in travels, especially those that describe remote 
 countries, and give the writer an opportunity of 
 showing his parts without incurring any danger of 
 being examined or contradicted. Among all the 
 authors of this kind, our renowned countryman, 
 Sir John Mandeville, has distinguished himself, by 
 the copiousness of his invention ; and the greatness 
 of his genius. The second to Sir John I take to 
 have been Ferdinand Mendez Pinto, a person of in- 
 finite adventure, and unbounded imagination. One 
 reads the voyages of these two great wits, with as 
 much astonishment as the travels of Ulysses in Ho- 
 mer, or of the Red Cross Knight in Spencer. All 
 is enchanted ground, and fairy-land. 
 
 I have got into my hands, by great chance, several 
 manuscripts of these two eminent authors, which 
 are filled with greater wonders than any of those 
 they have communicated to the public ; and indeed, 
 were they not so well attested, they would appear 
 altogether improbable. I am apt to think the inge- 
 nious authors did not publish them with the rest of 
 their works, lest they should pass for fictions and 
 fables : a caution not unnecessary, when the repu- 
 tation of their veracity was not yet established in
 
 200 TATLER. NO 254. 
 
 the world. But as this reason has now no further 
 weight, I shall make the public a present of these 
 curious pieces, at such times as I shall find myself 
 unprovided with other subjects. 
 
 The present Paper I intend to fill with an extract 
 from Sir John's Journal, in which that learned and 
 worthy knight gives an account of the freezing and 
 thawing of several short speeches, which he made 
 in the territories of Nova Zembla. I need not in- 
 form my reader, that the author of Hudibras alludes 
 to this strange quality in that cold climate, when 
 speaking of abstracted notions cloathed in a visible 
 shape, he adds that apt simile, 
 
 " Like words congeal'd in Northern air." 
 
 Not to keep my reader any longer in suspense, 
 the relation, put into modern language, is as fol- 
 lows : 
 
 " We were separated by a storm in the latitude 
 of seventy-three, insomuch, that only the ship 
 which I was in, with a Dutch and French vessel, 
 got safe into a creek of Nova Zembla. We landed, 
 in order to refit our vessels, and store ourselves with 
 provisions. The crew of each vessel made them- 
 selves a cabin of turf and wood, at some distance 
 from each other, to fence themselves against the in- 
 clemencies of the weather, which was severe be- 
 yond imagination. We soon observed, that in 
 talking to one another we lost several of our words, 
 and could not hear one another at above two yards 
 distance, and that too when we sat very near the 
 fire. After much perplexity, I found that our 
 words froze in the air, before they could reach the 
 ears of the persons to whom they were spoken. I 
 was soon confirmed in this conjecture, when upon 
 the increase of the cold, the whole company grew 
 dumb, or rather deaf; for every man was sensible,
 
 K254. TATLER. 201 
 
 as we afterwards found, that he spoke as well as 
 ever ; but the sounds no sooner took air than they 
 were condensed and lost. It was now a miserable 
 spectacle to see us nodding and gaping at one ano- 
 ther, every man talking, and no man heard. One 
 might observe a seaman that could hail a ship at a 
 league's distance beckoning with his hand, strain- 
 ing his lungs, and tearing his throat; but all in 
 rain : 
 
 " Nee vox nee verba sequuntur. OVID. 
 
 " Nor voice nor words ensued. 
 
 " We continued here three weeks in this dismal 
 plight. At length upon a turn of wind, the air 
 about us began to thaw. Our cabin was imme- 
 diately filled with a dry clattering sound, which I 
 afterwards found to be the crackling of consonants 
 that broke above our heads, and were often mixed 
 with a gentle hissing, which I imputed to the 
 letter s, that occurs so frequently in the English 
 tongue. I soon after felt a breeze of whispers 
 rushing by my ear ; for those, being of a soft and 
 gentle substance, immediately liquified in the warm 
 wind that blew across our cabin. These were soon 
 followed by syllables and short words, and at length 
 by entire sentences, that melted sooner or later, as 
 they were more or less congealed ; so that we now 
 heard every thing that had been spoken during the 
 whole three weeks that we had been silent, if I may 
 use that expression. It was now very early in the 
 morning, and yet, to my surprise, I heard some- 
 body say, ' Sir John, it is midnight, and time for 
 the ship's crew to go to-bed.' This I knew to be 
 the pilot's voice ; and, upon recollecting myself, I 
 concluded that he had spoken these words to me 
 some days before, though I could not hear them
 
 202 TATLER. NO 254. 
 
 until the present thaw. My reader will easily ima- 
 gine how the whole crew was amazed to hear every 
 man talking, and see no man opening his mouth. 
 In the midst of this great surprise we were all in, 
 we heard a volley of oaths and curses lasting for a 
 long while, and uttered in a very hoarse voice, 
 which I knew belonged to the boatswain, who was 
 a very choleric fellow, and had taken this opportu- 
 nity of cursing and swearing at me when he 
 thought I could not hear him ; for I had several 
 times given him the strappado on that account, as I 
 did not fail to repeat it for these his pious soliloquies, 
 when I got him on ship-board. 
 
 " I must not omit the names of several beauties 
 in Wapping, which were heard every now and then, 
 in the midst of a long sigh that accompanied them ; 
 as, ' Dear Kate !' ' Pretty Mrs. Peggy !' ' When 
 shall I see my Sue again !' This betrayed several 
 amours which had been concealed until that time, 
 and furnished us with a great deal of mirth in our 
 return to England. 
 
 " When this confusion of voices was pretty well 
 over, though I was afraid to offer at speaking, as 
 fearing I should not be heard, I proposed a visit to 
 the Dutch cabin, which lay about a mile further 
 up in the country. My crew were extremely re- 
 joiced to find they had again recovered their hear- 
 ing ; though every man uttered his voice with the 
 same apprehensions that I had done, 
 
 " Et timide verba intermissa retentat. 
 
 OVID, Met. i. 747. 
 
 " And try'd his tongue, his silence softly broke. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 " At about half a mile's distance from our cabin 
 we heard the groanings of a bear, which at first
 
 NO 254. TATLER. 203 
 
 1 startled us ; but, upon inquiry, we were informed 
 by some of our company, that he was dead, and now 
 lay in salt, having been killed upon that very spot 
 about a fortnight before in the time of the frost. 
 Not far from the same place, we were likewise en- 
 tertained with some posthumous snarls, and bark- 
 ings of a fox. 
 
 " We at length arrived at the little Dutch settle- 
 .ment ; and, upon entering the room, found it filled 
 with sighs that smelt of brandy, and several other 
 unsavoury sounds, that were altogether inarticulate. 
 My valet, who was an Irishman, fell into so great a 
 rage at what he heard, that he drew his sword; 
 but not knowing where to lay the blame, he put it 
 up again. We were stunned with these confused 
 noises, but did not hear a single word until about 
 half-an-hour after; which I ascribed to the harsh 
 and obdurate sounds of that language, which wanted 
 more time than ours to melt, and become audible. 
 
 " After having here met with a very hearty wel- 
 come, we went to the cabin of the French, who, 
 to make amends for their three weeks silence, were 
 talking and disputing with greater rapidity and con- 
 fusion than I evef heard in an assembly, even of that 
 nation. Their language, as I found, upon the first 
 giving of the weather, fell asunder and dissolved. I 
 was here convinced of an error into which I had 
 before fallen ; for I fancied, that for the freezing of 
 the sound, it was necessary for it to be wrapped up, 
 and as it were, preserved in breath : but I found 
 my mistake when I heard the sound of a kit playing 
 a minuet over our heads. I asked the occasion of 
 it ; upon which one of the company told me ' that 
 it would play there above a week longer ; for,' says 
 he, ' finding ourselves bereft of speech, we pre- 
 vailed upon one of the company, who had his mu-
 
 204 TATLER. NO. 255. 
 
 sical instrument about him, to play to us from 
 morning to night ; all which time we employed in 
 dancing, in order to dissipate our chagrin, % tuer 
 le temps." 
 
 Here Sir John gives very good philosophical rea- 
 sons, why the kit could not be heard during the 
 frost ; but, as they are something prolix, I pass 
 them over in silence, and shall only observe, that 
 the honourable author seems, by his quotations, to 
 have been well versed in the ancient poets, which 
 perhaps raised his fancy above the ordinary pitch of 
 historians, and very much contributed to the em- 
 bellishment of his writings. 
 
 N 255. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25, IT 10. 
 
 Nee te tua plurima, Panlheu, 
 
 Labentem pietas, nee Apollinis insula texit. 
 
 VIRG. JEn. ii. 429. 
 
 Comes course the last, the red'ning doctor now 
 Slides off reluctant, with his meaning bow ; 
 Dress, letters, wit, and merit, plead in vain, 
 For bear he must, indignity, and pain. 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 24. 
 " To the CENSOR of GREAT-BRITAIN. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I AM at present under very great difficulties, which 
 it is not in the power of any one, besides yourself, 
 to redress. Whether or no you shall think it a pro-
 
 NO 255. TATLER. 205 
 
 per case to come before your court of honour, I can- 
 not tell ; but thus it is. I am a chaplain to an honour- 
 able family, very regular at the hours of devotion, 
 and, I hope, of an unblameable life ; but for not of- 
 fering to rise at the second course, I found my pa- 
 tron and his lady, very sullen and out of humour, 
 though at first I did not know the reason of it. At 
 length, when I happened to help myself to a jelly, 
 the lady of the house, otherwise a devout woman, 
 told me, that it did not become a man of my cloth 
 to delight in such frivolous food : but as I still con- 
 tinued to sit out the last course, I was yesterday in- 
 formed by the butler, that his lordship had no far- 
 ther occasion for my service. All which is humbly 
 submitted to your consideration by, Sir, 
 
 Your most humble servant, &c." 
 
 The case of this gentleman deserves pity : especi- 
 ally if he loves sweetmeats, to which, if I may guess 
 by his letter, he is no enemy. In the mean time, 
 I have often wondered at the indecency of discharg- 
 ing the holiest man from the table as soon as the 
 most delicious parts of the entertainment are served 
 up, and could never conceive a reason for so absurd 
 a custom. Is it because a liquorish palate, or a sweet 
 tooth, as they call it, is not consistent with the sanc- 
 tity of his character? This is but a trifling pretence. 
 No man, of the most rigid virtue, gives offence by 
 any excesses in plum-pudding or plum-porridge, and 
 that because they are the first parts of the dinner. 
 Is there any thing that tends to incitation in sweet- 
 meats more than in ordinary dishes ? Certainly not. 
 Sugar -plums are a very innocent diet, and conserves 
 of a much colder nature than your common pickles. 
 I have sometimes thought that the ceremony of the 
 chaplain's flying away from the dessert was typical 
 
 VOL. v. T
 
 206 TATLER. NO 255. 
 
 and figurative, to mark out to the company how 
 they ought to retire from all the luscious baits of 
 temptation, and deny their appetites the gratifica- 
 tions that are most pleasing to them : or at least, 
 to signify, that we ought to stint ourselves in our 
 most lawful satisfactions, and not make our pleasure, 
 but our support, the end of eating. But most cer- 
 tainly, if such a lesson of temperance had been ne- 
 cessary at a table, our clergy would have recom- 
 mended it to all the lay-masters of families, and not 
 have disturbed other men's tables with such unsea- 
 sonable examples of abstinence. The original, 
 therefore, of this barbarous custom, I take to have 
 been merely accidental. The chaplain retired, out 
 of pure complaisance, to make room for the removal 
 of the dishes, or possibly for the ranging of the des- 
 sert. This by degrees grew into a duty, until at 
 length, as the fashion improved, the good man 
 found himself cut off from the third part of the en- 
 tertainment ; and, if the arrogance of the patron 
 goes on, it is not impossible but, in the next gene- 
 ration, he may see himself reduced to the tythe, or 
 tenth dish of the table ; a sufficient caution not to 
 part with any privilege we are once possessed of. It 
 was usual for the priest in old times to feast upon 
 the sacrifice, nay the honey-cake, while the hungry 
 laity looked upon him with great devotion ; or, as 
 the late lord Rochester describes it, in a very lively 
 manner, 
 
 And while the priest did eat, the people star'd. 
 
 At present the custom is inverted ; the laity feast, 
 while the priest stands by as an humble spectator. 
 This necessarily puts a good man upon making great 
 ravages on all the dishes that stand near him ; and 
 distinguishing himself by a voraciousness of appetite,
 
 NO 255. TATLER. 207 
 
 as knowing that his time is short. I would fain ask 
 these stiff-necked patrons, whether they would not 
 take it ill of a chaplain, that in his grace after meat 
 should return thanks for the whole entertainment, 
 with an exception to the dessert? And yet I can- 
 not but think, that in such a proceeding he would 
 but deal with them as they deserved. What would 
 a Roman catholic priest think, who is always help- 
 ed first, and placed next the ladies, should he see 
 a clergyman giving his company the slip at the first 
 appearance of the tarts or sweet-meats? Would not 
 he believe that he had the same antipathy to a can- 
 died orange, or a piece of puff-paste, as some have 
 to a Cheshire cheese, or a breast of mutton ? Yet, 
 to so ridiculous a height is this foolish custom grown, 
 that even the Christmas pye, which in its very na- 
 ture is a kind of consecrated cake, and a badge of 
 distinction, is often forbidden to the Druid of the 
 family. Strange ! that a sirloin of beef, whether 
 boiled or roasted, when entire, is exposed to his ut- 
 most depredations and incisions ; but, if minced in- 
 to small pieces, and tossed up with plums and sugar, 
 changes its property, and, forsooth, is meat for his 
 master. 
 
 In this case I know not which to censure, the pa- 
 tron, or the chaplain, the insolence of power, or the 
 abjectness of dependence. For my own part, I have 
 often blushed to see a gentleman, whom I knew to 
 have much more wit and learning than myself, and 
 who was bred up with me at the university upon the 
 same foot of a liberal education, treated in such an 
 ignominious manner, and sunk beneath those of his 
 own rank, by reason of that character which ought 
 to bring him honour. This deters men of generous 
 minds from placing themselves in such a station of 
 life, and by that means frequently excludes persons
 
 203 TATLER. NO 255. 
 
 of quality from the improving and agreeable conver- 
 sation of a learned and obsequious friend. 
 
 Mr. Oldham * lets us know, that he was af- 
 frighted from the thought of such an employment, 
 by the scandalous sort of treatment which often tic- 
 companies it : 
 
 Some think themselves exalted to the sky, 
 If they light in some noble family : 
 Diet, an horse, and thirty pounds a year, 
 Besides th' advantage of his lordship's ear, 
 The credit of the business, and the state, 
 Are things that in a youngster's sense sound great. 
 Little the unexperienc'd wretch does know 
 What slavery he oft must undergo. 
 Who, though in silken scarf and cassock drest, 
 Wears but a gayer livery at best. 
 When dinner calls the implement must wait 
 With holy words to consecrate the meat, 
 But hold it for a favour seldom known, 
 If he be deign'd the honour to sit down. 
 Soon as the tarts appear; *' Sir Crape, withdraw, 
 ' Those dainties are not for a spiritual maw. 
 ' Observe your distance, and be sure to stand 
 ' Hard by the cistern with your cap in hand : 
 ' There for diversion you may pick your teeth, 
 ' Till the kind voider comes for your relief." 
 Let others, who such meannesses can brook, 
 Strike countenance to every great man's look ; 
 I rate my freedom higher. 
 
 This author's raillery is the raillery of a friend, 
 and does not turn the sacred order into ridicule : 
 but is a just censure on such persons as take ad- 
 vantage, from the necessities of a man of merit, to 
 impose on him hardships that are by no means suit- 
 able to the dignity of his profession. 
 
 * In " A Satire addressed to a Friend that is about to leare 
 the University," &c.
 
 NO 256. TATTLER. 209 
 
 N -256. TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1710. 
 
 Nostrum est tantas componere lites. 
 
 VIRG. F.cl. iii. 108. 
 
 Tis ours such warm contentions to decide. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 The Proceedings of the Court of Honour, held in 
 Sheer-lane, on Monday, the twentieth of Novem- 
 ber 1710, before ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire, 
 Censor of Great Britain. 
 
 PETER PLUMB, of London, merchant; was indicted 
 by the honourable Mr. Thomas Gules, of Gule-hall 
 in the county of Salop, for that the said Peter Plumb 
 did, in Lombard-street, London, between the 
 hours of two and three in the afternoon, meet the 
 said Mr. Thomas Gules, and, after a short saluta- 
 tion, put on his hat, value jive-pence, while the ho- 
 nourable Mr. Gules stood bare-headed for the space 
 of two seconds. It was further urged against the 
 criminal, that, during his discourse with the prose- 
 cutor, he feloniously stole the wall of him, having 
 clapped his back against it in such a manner, that 
 it was impossible for Mr. Gules to recover it again 
 at his taking leave of him. The prosecutor alleged, 
 that he was the cadet of a very ancient family ; and 
 that, according to the principles of all the younger 
 brothers of the said family, he had never sullied 
 himself with business, but had chosen rather to 
 starve, like a man of honour, than do any thing be- 
 neath his quality. He produced several witnesses, 
 T 2
 
 * 10 TATLER. NO 956. 
 
 that he had never employed himself beyond the 
 twisting of a whip, or the making of a pair of nut- 
 crackers, in which he only worked for his diversion, 
 in order to make a present now and then to his 
 friends. The prisoner being asked, " what he could 
 say for himself," cast several reflections upon the ho- 
 nourable Mr. Gules ; as, " that he was not worth a 
 groat ; that nobody in the city would trust him for 
 a half-penny ; that he owed him money which he had 
 promised to pay him several times, but never kept 
 his word ; and, in short, that he was an idle beg- 
 garly fellow, and of no use to the public." This 
 sort of language was very severely reprimanded by 
 the Censor, who told the criminal, " that he spoke 
 in contempt of the court, and that he should be pro- 
 ceeded against for contumacy, if he did not change 
 his style." The prisoner, therefore, desired to be 
 heard by his counsel, who urged in his defence, 
 " that he put on his hat through ignorance, and 
 took the wall by accident." They likewise produced 
 several witnesses, that he made several motions with 
 his hat in his hand, which are generally understood' 
 as an invitation to the person we talk with to be 
 covered ; and that, the gentleman not taking the 
 hint, he was forced to put on his hat, as being trou- 
 bled with a cold. There was likewise an Irishman, 
 who deposed, " that he had heard him cough three- 
 and-twenty times that morning." And as for the 
 wall, it was alleged, that he had taken it inadver- 
 tently, to save himself from a shower of rain which 
 was then falling. The Censor, having consulted the 
 men of honour who sat at his right-hand on the 
 bench, found they were all of opinion, that the de- 
 fence made by the prisoner's counsel did rather ag- 
 gravate than extenuate his crime ; that the motions 
 and intimations of the hat were a token of superiority
 
 NO 256. TATLER. 211 
 
 in conversation, and therefore not to be used by the 
 criminal to a man of the prosecutor's quality, who 
 was likewise vested with a double title to the wall 
 at the time of their conversation, both as it was the 
 upper hand, and as it was a shelter from the wea- 
 ther. The evidence being very full and clear, the 
 jury, without going out of the court, declared their 
 opinion unanimously, by the mouth of their fore- 
 man, that the prosecutor was bound in honour to 
 make the sun shine through the criminal," or, as 
 they afterwards explained themselves, " to whip 
 him through the lungs." 
 
 The Censor, knitting his brows into a frown, and 
 looking very sternly upon the jury, after a little 
 pause, gave them to know, " that this court was 
 erected for the finding out of penalties suitable to of- 
 fences, and to restrain the outrages of private jus- 
 tice; and that he expected they should moderate 
 their verdict." The jury therefore retired, and be- 
 ing willing to comply with the advices of the Cen- 
 sor, after an hour's conversation, delivered their 
 opinion as follows. 
 
 " That, in consideration this was Peter Plumb's 
 first offence, and that there did not appear any ma- 
 lice prepense in it, as also that he lived in good repu- 
 tation among his neighbours, and that his taking the 
 wall was only se defendendo, the prosecutor should 
 let him escape with life, and content himself with 
 the slitting of his nose, and the cutting off both his 
 ears." Mr. Bickerstaff, smiling upon the court, told 
 them, " that he thought the punishment, even under 
 its present mitigation, too severe ; and that such 
 penalties might be of ill consequence in a -trading 
 nation." He therefore pronounced sentence against 
 the criminal in the following manner: " that his 
 hat, which was the instrument of offence, should 
 be forfeited to the court ; that the criminal should
 
 212 TATLER. NO 256. 
 
 go to the warehouse from whence he came, and 
 thence, as occasion should require, proceed to the 
 Exchange, or Garraway's coffee house, in what 
 manner he pleased ; but that neither he, nor any of 
 the family of the Plumbs, should hereafter appear 
 in the streets of London out of their coaches, that so 
 the foot-way might be left open and undisturbed for 
 their betters." 
 
 Dathan, a pedling Jew, and T. R , a Welsh- 
 man, were indicted by the keeper of an alehouse in 
 Westminster, for breaking the peace and two earthen 
 mugs, in a dispute about the antiquity of their fami- 
 lies, to the great detriment of the house, and dis- 
 turbance of the whole neighbourhood. Dathan said 
 for himself, " that he was provoked to it by the 
 Welshman, who pretended that the Welsh were an 
 ancienter people than the Jews ; whereas," says he, 
 " I can shew by this genealogy in my hand, that I 
 am the son of Mesheck, that was the son of Naboth, 
 that was the son of Shalem, that was the son of 
 ." The Welshman here interrupted him, and 
 told him, ' that he could produce shennalogy as well 
 as himself;" for " that he was John ap Rice, ap 
 Shenken, ap Shones." He then turned himself to 
 the Censor, and told him in the same broken accent, 
 and with much warmth, " that the Jew would 
 needs uphold, that King Cadwallader was younger 
 than Issachar." Mr. Bickerstaff seemed very much 
 inclined to give sentence against Dathan, as being 
 a Jew ; but finding reasons, by some expressions 
 which the Welshman let fall in asserting the anti- 
 quity of his family, to suspect that the said Welsh- 
 man was a Prae-ddamite, he suffered the jury to go 
 out, without any previous admonition. After some 
 time they returned, and gave their verdict, " that 
 it appearing the persons at the bar did neither of
 
 KO 256. TATLER. <21J 
 
 them wear a sword, and that consequently they had 
 no right to quarrel upon a point of honour ; to pre- 
 vent such frivolous appeals for the future, they 
 should both of them be tossed in the same blanket, 
 and there adjust the superiority as they could agree 
 on it between themselves." The Censor confirmed 
 the verdict. 
 
 Richard Newman was indicted by Major Punto, 
 for having used the words, " perhaps it may be so," 
 in a dispute with the said Major. The Major urged 
 " that the word perhaps was questioning his vera- 
 city, and that it was an indirect manner of giving 
 him the lie." Richard Newman had nothing more 
 to say for himself, than that " he intended no such 
 thing ;" and threw himself upon the mercy of the 
 court. The jury brought in their verdict special. 
 
 Mr. Bickerstaff stood up, and, after having cast 
 his eyes over the whole assembly, hemmed thrice. 
 He then acquainted them, " that he had laid down 
 a rule to himself, which he was resolved never to 
 depart from, and which, as he conceived, would 
 very much conduce to the shortening the business 
 of the court : I mean," says he, " never to allow of 
 the lie being given by construction, implication, or 
 induction, but by the sole use of the word itself." 
 He then proceeded to show the great mischief that 
 had arisen to the English nation from that pernicious 
 monosyllable : that it had bred the most fatal quar- 
 rels between the dearest friends ; that it had fre- 
 quently thinned the guards, and made great havock 
 in the army ; that it had sometimes weakened the 
 city trained bands ; and, in a word, had destroyed 
 many of the bravest men in the isle of Great-Britain. 
 For the prevention of which evils for the future, he 
 instructed the jury to present the word itself as a 
 nuisance in the English tongue; and further pro-
 
 214 TATLBR. NO 257. 
 
 mised them, that he would, upon such their pre- 
 ferment, publish an edict of the court, for the entire 
 banishment and exclusion of it out of the discourses 
 and conversation of all civil societies. 
 
 This is a true copy, CHARLES LILLIE. 
 
 Monday next is set apart for the trial of several 
 female causes. 
 
 N. B. The case of the hassock will come on be- 
 tween the hours of nine and ten. 
 
 N257. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 171O. 
 
 In novafert animus mutatcu dicere formas 
 Corpora : Dii, caeptis, nam vns mutdstit et illas, 
 Aspirate meis ! 
 
 OVID. Met. i. 1. 
 
 Of bodies chang'd to various forms I sing ; 
 Ye gods, from whom these miracles did spring, 
 Assist me in this arduous task ! 
 
 From my own Apartment, November 29. 
 EVERY nation 'is distinguished by productions that 
 are peculiar to it. Great Britain is particularly 
 fruitful in religions, that shoot up and flourish in 
 this climate more than in any other. We are so fa- 
 mous abroad for our great variety of sects and opi- 
 nions, that an ingenious friend of mine, who is lately 
 returned from his travels, assures me, there is a 
 show at this time carried up and down in Germany,
 
 NO 257. TATLER. 215 
 
 which represents all the religions in Great Britain in 
 wax-work. Notwithstanding that the pliancy of the 
 matter, in which the images are wrought, makes it 
 capable of being moulded into all shapes and figures ; 
 my friend tells me, that he did not think it possible 
 for it to be twisted and tortured into so many screw- 
 ed faces, and wry features, as appeared in several of 
 the figures that composed the shew. I was indeed 
 so pleased with the design of the German artist, 
 that I begged my friend to give me an account of it 
 io all its particulars, which he did after the follow- 
 ing manner. 
 
 " I have often," says he, " been present at a show 
 of elephants, camels, dromedaries, and other strange 
 creatures, but I never saw so great an assembly of 
 spectators as were met together at the opening of 
 this great piece of wax-work. We were all placed 
 in a large hall, according to the price that we had 
 paid for our seats. The curtain that hung before the 
 show was made by a master of tapestry, who had 
 woven it in the- figure of a monstrous Hydra that 
 had several heads, which brandished out their 
 tongues, and seemed to hiss at each other. Some 
 of these heads were large and entire ; and where any 
 of them had been lopped away, there sprouted up 
 several in the room of them, insomuch, that for one 
 head cut off, a man might see ten, twenty, or an 
 hundred, of a smaller size, creeping through the 
 wound. In short, the whole picture was nothing 
 but confusion and blood-shed. " On a sudden," says 
 my friend, " I was startled with a flourish of many 
 musical instruments that I had never heard before, 
 which was followed by a short tune, if it might be so 
 called, wholly made up of jars and discords. Among 
 the rest, there was an organ, a bagpipe, a groaning 
 hoard, a stentorophontic trumpet, with several wind 
 instruments of a most disagreeable sound, which I
 
 $16 TATLER. NO 257. 
 
 do not so much as know the names of. After a 
 short flourish, the curtain was drawn up, and we 
 were presented with the most extraordinary assembly 
 of figures that ever entered into a man's imagination. 
 The design of the workman was so well expressed 
 in the dumb show before us, that it was not hard 
 for an Englishman to comprehend the meaning of it. 
 " The principal figures were placed in a row, 
 consisting of seven persons. The middle figure, 
 which immediately attracted the eyes of the whole 
 company, and was much bigger than the rest, was 
 formed like a matron, dressed in the habit of an el- 
 derly woman of quality in Queen Elizabeth's days. 
 The most remarkable parts of her dress were, the 
 beaver with a steeple crown, the scarf that was 
 darker than sable, and the lawn apron that was whi- 
 ter than ermine. Her gown was of the richest black 
 velvet ; and just upon her heart studded with large 
 diamonds of an inestimable value, disposed in the 
 form of a cross. She bore an inexpressible cheer- 
 fulness and dignity in her aspect ; and, though she 
 seemed in years, appeared with so much spirit and 
 vivacity, as gave her at the same time an air of old 
 age and immortality. I found my heart touched with 
 so much love and reverence at the sight of her, that 
 the tears ran down my face as I looked upon her ; 
 and still the more I looked upon her, the more my 
 heart was melted with the sentiments of filial ten- 
 derness and duty. I discovered every moment some- 
 thing so charming in this figure, that I could scarce 
 take my eyes off it. On its right hand there sat the 
 figure of a woman, so covered with ornaments, that 
 her face, her body, and her hands, were almost en- 
 tirely hid under them. The little you could see of 
 her face was painted : and what I thought very odd, 
 had something in it like artificial wrinkles ; but I 
 was the less surprised at it, when I saw uoon her
 
 NO 257. TATLER. 217 
 
 forehead an old-fashioned tower of grey hairs. Her 
 head-dress rose very high by three several stories or 
 degrees ; her garments had a thousand colours in 
 them, and were embroidered with crosses in gold, 
 silver, and silk. She had nothing on, so much as 
 a glove or a slipper, which was not marked with 
 this figure ; nay, so superstitiously fond did she ap- 
 pear of it, that she sat cross-legged. I was quickly 
 sick of this tawdry composition of ribbands, silks, 
 and jewels, and therefore cast my eye on a dame 
 which was just the reverse of it. I need not tell my 
 reader that the lady before described was Popery, 
 or that she I am going to describe is Presbytery. She 
 sat on the left-hand of the venerable matron, and so 
 much resembled her in the features of her counte- 
 nance, that she seemed her sister ; but at the same 
 time that one observed a likeness in her beauty, one 
 could not but take notice, that there was something 
 in it sickly and splenetic. Her face had enough to 
 discover the relation : but it was drawn up into a 
 peevish figure, soured with discontent, and overcast 
 with melancholy. She seemed offended at the ma- 
 tron for the shape of her hat, as too much resem- 
 bling the triple coronet of the person who sat by her. 
 One might see likewise, that she dissented from the 
 white apron and the cross ; for which reasons she 
 had made herself a plain homely dowdy, and turned 
 her face towards the sectaries that sat on her left- 
 hand, as being afraid of looking upon the matron, 
 lest she should see the harlot by her. 
 
 " On the right-hand of Popery sat Judaism, re- 
 presented by an old man embroidered with phylac- 
 teries, and distinguished by many typical figures, 
 which I had not skill enough to unriddle. He was 
 placed among the rubbish of a temple ; but, instead 
 of weeping over it, which I should have expected 
 
 VOL. v. u
 
 SJ13 TATLER, NO 257. 
 
 from him, he was counting out a bag of money upon 
 the ruins of it. 
 
 " On his right-hand was Deism, or Natural Re- 
 ligion. This was a figure of an half-naked aukward 
 country wench, who, with proper ornaments and 
 education, would have made an agreeable and 
 beautiful appearance ; but, for want of those ad- 
 vantages, was such a spectacle as a man would blush 
 to look upon. 
 
 " I have now," continued my friend, " given you 
 an account of those who were placed on the right- 
 hand of the matron, and who, according to the or- 
 der in which they sat, were Deism, Judaism, and 
 Popery. On the left-hand, as I told you, appeared 
 Presbytery. The next to her was a figure which 
 somewhat puzzled me : it was that of a man look- 
 ing, with horror in his eyes, upon a silver bason 
 filled with water. Observing something in his 
 countenance that looked like lunacy, I fancied at 
 first, that he was to express that kind of distraction 
 which the physicians call the hydro-phobia ; but 
 considering what the intention of the show was, I im- 
 mediately recollected myself, and concluded it to be 
 Anabaptism. 
 
 " The next figure was a man that sat under a 
 most profound composure of mind. He wore an hat 
 whose brims were exactly parallel with the horizon. 
 His garment had neither sleeve nor skirt, nor so 
 much as a superfluous button. What they called 
 his cravat, was a little piece of white linen quilled 
 with great exactness, and hanging below his chin 
 about two inches. Seeing a book in his hand, I 
 asked our artist what it was ; who told me it was 
 ' The Quaker's Religion ;' upon which I desired a 
 sight of it. Upon perusal, I found it to be nothing 
 but a new-fashioned grammar, or an art of abridg- 
 ing ordinary discourse. The nouns were reduced to
 
 NS57. TATLER. 219 
 
 a very small number, as the Light, Friend, Babylon. 
 The principal of his pronouns was thou ; and as for 
 you, ye, and yours, I found they were not looked 
 upon as parts of speech in this grammar. All the 
 verbs wanted the second person plural ; the partici- 
 ples ended all in ing or ed, which were marked with 
 a particular accent. There were no adverbs besides 
 yea and nay. The same thrift was observed in the 
 prepositions. The conjunctions were only hem ! and 
 ha ! and the interjections brought under the three 
 heads of sighing, sobbing, and groaning. 
 
 " There was at the end of the grammar a little 
 nomenclature, called, ' The Christian Man's Vo- 
 cabulary,' which gave new appellations, or, if you 
 will, Christian names, to almost every thing in life. 
 I replaced the book in the hand of the figure, not 
 without admiring the simplicity of its garb, speech, 
 and behaviour. 
 
 " Just opposite to this row of religions, there was 
 a statue dressed in a fool's coat, with a cap of bells 
 upon his head, laughing and pointing at the figures 
 that stood before him. This ideot is supposed to say 
 in his heart what David's fool did some thousands of 
 years ago, and was therefore designed as a proper 
 representative of those among us, who are called 
 Atheists and Infidels by others, and Free-thinkers 
 by themselves. 
 
 " There were many other groups of figures which 
 I did not know the meaning of; but seeing a collec- 
 tion of both sexes turning their backs upon the com- 
 pany, and laying their heads very close together, I 
 inquired after their religion, and found that they 
 called themselves the Philadelphians, or the family 
 of love. 
 
 " In the opposite corner there sat another little 
 congregation of strange figures, opening their mouths
 
 22O TATLER. NO 257. 
 
 as wide as they could gape, and distinguished by the 
 title of the Sweet Singers of Israel. 
 
 " I must not omit that in this assembly of wax 
 there were several pieces that moved by clock-work, 
 and gave great satisfaction to the spectators. Behind 
 the matron there stood one of these figures, and 
 behind Popery another, which, as the artist told us, 
 were each of them the genius of the person they at- 
 tended. That behind Popery represented Persecu- 
 tion, and the other Moderation. The first of these 
 moved by secret springs towards a great heap of 
 dead bodies, that lay piled upon one another at a 
 considerable distance behind the principal figures, 
 There were written on the foreheads of these dead 
 men, several hard words, as, Prcz- Adamites, Sab- 
 batarians, Camaronians, Mvggletonians, Brownists, 
 Independants, Masonists, Comisars, and the like. At 
 the approach of Persecution, it was so contrived, 
 that as she held up her bloody flag, the whole as- 
 sembly of dead men, like those in the ' Rehearsal,' 
 started up and drew their swords. This was followed 
 by great clashings and noise, when, in the midst of 
 the tumult, the figure of Moderation moved gently 
 towards this new army, which, upon her holding up 
 a paper in her hand, inscribed, ' Liberty of Consci- 
 ence,' immediately fell into a heap of carcases, re- 
 maining in the same quiet posture in which they lay 
 at first."
 
 NO 258. TATLER. 221 
 
 N 258. SATURDAY, DECEMBERS, 1710. 
 
 Occidit miscros crambe repetita 
 
 Juv. Sat. vii. 154. 
 
 The same stale viands, serv'd up o'er and o'er, 
 The stomach nauseates 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 1. 
 
 WHEN a man keeps a constant table, he may be al- 
 lowed sometimes to serve up a cold dish of meat, or 
 toss up the fragments of a feast in a ragout. I have 
 sometimes, in a scarcity of provisions, been obliged 
 to take the same kind of liberty, and to entertain 
 my reader with the leavings of a former treat. I must 
 this day have recourse to the same method, and beg 
 my guests to sit down to a kind of Saturday's din- 
 ner. To let the metaphor rest ; I intend to fill up 
 this paper with a bundle of letters, relating to sub- 
 jects on which I have formerly treated ; and have 
 ordered my bookseller to print, at the end of each 
 letter, the minutes with which I indorsed it, after 
 the first perusal of it. 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire. 
 "SIR, November 22, 17)0. 
 
 " Dining yesterday with Mr. South-British and 
 Mr. William North-Britain, two gentlemen, who, 
 before you ordered it otherwise, were known by the 
 names "of Mr. English, and Mr. William Scot : 
 among other things, the maid of the house, who in 
 her time I believe may have been a North-British 
 u2
 
 222 TATLER. NO 258. 
 
 warming pan, brought us up a dish of North-British 
 collops. We liked our entertainment very well ; 
 only we observed the table-cloth, being not so fine 
 as we could have wished, was North-British cloth. 
 But the worst of it was, we were disturbed all dinner- 
 time by the noise of the children, who were playing 
 in the paved court at North-British hoppers ; so we 
 paid our North-Briton* sooner than we designed, 
 and took coach to North-Briton Yard f about which 
 place most of us live. We had indeed gone a-foot, 
 only we were under some apprehensions lest a 
 North-British mist should wet a South-British man 
 to the skin. 
 
 " We think this matter properly expressed, ac- 
 cording to the accuracy of the new style, settled by 
 you in one of your late Papers. You will please 
 to give your opinion upon it to, Sir, 
 
 Your most humble servants, " J. S. 
 
 " M. P. 
 
 N. R.J" 
 
 See if this letter be conformable to the directions 
 given in the Tatler above-mentioned. 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire. 
 
 " SIR, Kent, Nov. 22, 1710. 
 
 " A gentleman in my neighbourhood, who ap- 
 pens to be brother to a lord, though neither his fa- 
 ther nor grandfather were so, is perpetually making 
 use of this phrase, c a person of my quality.' He 
 has it in his mouth fifty times a day, to his labour- 
 ers, his servants, his children, his tenants, and his 
 neighbours. Wet or dry, at home or abroad, drunk 
 
 * Soot, i. e. share of the reckoning. 
 
 f Scotland yard. 
 
 J Jonathan Swift, Matthew Prior, Nicholas Rowe.
 
 MO 259. TATLER. 223 
 
 or sober, angry or pleased, it is the constant burden 
 of his style. Sir, as you are Censor of Great Bri- 
 tain, as you value the repose of a loyal county, and 
 the reputation of my neighbour, I beg you will take 
 this cruel grievance into your consideration ; else, for 
 my own particular, I am resolved to give up my 
 farms, sell my stock, and remove with my wife and 
 seven children next spring to Falmouth or Berwick, 
 if my strength will permit me, being brought into a 
 very weak condition. I am, with great respect, Sir, 
 your most obedient and languishing servant," &c. 
 
 Let this be referred to the Court of Honour. 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 "I am a young lady of a good fortune, and at 
 present invested by several lovers, who lay close 
 siege to me, and carry on their attacks with all pos-^ 
 sible diligence. I know which of them has the first 
 place in my own heart, but would freely cross my 
 private inclinations to make choice of the man who 
 loves me best ; which it is impossible for me to know, 
 all of them pretending to an equal passion for me. 
 Let me therefore beg of you,- dear Mr. BickerstafF, 
 to lend me your Ith Uriel's spear, in order to touch 
 this troop of rivals ; after which I will most faith- 
 fully return it to you again, with the greatest grati- 
 tude. I am, Sir, &c." 
 
 Query 1. What figure doth this lady think her 
 lover will appear in ? or what symptoms will he be- 
 tray of his passion upon being touched ? 
 
 2 Whether a touch of her fan may not have the 
 same efficacy as a touch of Ithuriel's spear ? 
 
 " Great Lincoln's- Inn Square, Nov. 29. 
 " HONOURED SIR, 
 
 " Gratitude obliges me to make this public ac- 
 knowledgement of the eminent service you have
 
 224 TATLBR. NO 25g. 
 
 done myself in particular, and the whole body of 
 chaplains, I hope, in general. Coming home on 
 Sunday about dinner-time, I found things strangely 
 altered for the better ; the porter smiled in my face 
 when he let me in, the footman bowed to me as I 
 passed him, the steward shook me by the hand, and 
 Mrs. Beatrice dropped me a courtesy as she went 
 along. I was surprized at all this civility, and knew 
 not to what I might ascribe it, except to my bright 
 beaver and shining scarf, that were new that day. 
 But I was still more astonished to find such an 
 agreeable change at the table. My lord helped me 
 to a fat slice of venison with his own hand, and my 
 lady did me the honour to drink to me. I offered to 
 rise at my usual time ; but was desired to sit still, 
 with this kind expression, ' Come, doctor, a jelly 
 or a conserve will do you no harm ; do not be afraid 
 of the dessert.' I was so confounded with the favour, 
 that I returned my thanks in a most aukward manner, 
 wondering what was the meaning of this tptal trans- 
 formation : but my lord soon put an end to my ad- 
 miration, by shewing me a paper that challenged 
 you, Sir, for its author ; and rallied me very agree- 
 ably on the subject, asking me, ' Which was best 
 handled, the lord or his chaplain ?' I owned myself 
 to think the banter sharpest against ourselves, and 
 that these were trifling matters, not fit for a philoso- 
 pher to insist on. His lordship was in so good a hu- 
 mour, that he ordered me to return his thanks with 
 my own : and my lady joins in the same, with this 
 one exception to your Paper, that the chaplain in 
 her family was always allowed minced pyes from 
 Allhallows to Candlemas. I am, Sir, 
 
 " Your most obliged, humble servant, 
 
 T. W." 
 
 Requires no answer.
 
 NO ^58. TATLER. 225 
 
 " MR. CENSOR, Oxford, Nov. 27. 
 
 I have read your account of Nova Zembla with 
 great pleasure, and have ordered it to be transcribed 
 in a little hand, and inserted in Mr. Tonson's late 
 edition of Hudibras. I could wish you would fur- 
 nish us with more notes upon that author, to fill up 
 the place of those dull annotations with which seve- 
 ral editions of that book have been encumbered. I 
 would particularly desire of you to give the world 
 the story of Taliacotius, who makes a very eminent 
 figure in the first Canto ; not having been able to 
 meet with any account of the said Taliacotius in the 
 writings of any other author. I am, with the most 
 profound respect, the most humble of your admirers, 
 
 " Q. Z." 
 
 To be answered next Thursday, if nothing more 
 material intervenes. 
 
 " MR. CENSOR, 
 
 " In your survey of the people, you must have 
 observed crowds- of single persons that are qualified 
 to increase the subjects of this glorious island, and 
 yet neglect that duty to their country. In order to 
 reclaim such persons, I lay before you this proposal. 
 " Your most obedient servant, 
 
 " TH. CL.* M 
 
 This to be considered on Saturday next. 
 * Thomas Clement.
 
 2"26 TATLER. N 259. 
 
 N 259. TUESDAY, DECEMBERS, 1710. 
 
 Vexat censura columbas. 
 
 Juv. Sat. ii. 63. 
 
 Censure acquits the crow, condemns the dove. 
 
 ANON. 
 
 A Continuation of the Journal of the Court of Ho- 
 nour, held in Sheer-lane, on Monday the twenty- 
 seventh of November, before ISAAC BICKER- 
 STAFF, Esq. Censor of Great-Britain. 
 
 ELIZABETH MAKEBATE, of the parish of St. Cathe- 
 rine's, spinster, was indicted for surreptitiously tak- 
 ing away the hassock from under the lady Grave- 
 Airs, between the hours of four and five, on Sunday 
 the 26th of November. The prosecutor deposed, 
 " that as she stood up to make a courtesy to a per- 
 son of quality in a neighbouring pew, the criminal 
 conveyed away the hassock by stealth ; insomuch, that 
 the prosecutor was obliged to sit all the while she 
 was at church, or to say her prayers in a posture 
 that did not become a woman of her quality." The 
 prisoner pleaded inadvertency ; and the jury were 
 going to bring it in chance-medley, had not several 
 witnesses been produced against the said Elizabeth 
 Makebate, that she was an old offender, and a wo- 
 man of a bad reputation. It appeared, in particular, 
 that, on the Sunday before, she had detracted from 
 a new petticoat of Mrs. Mary Doelittle, having said, 
 in the hearing of several credible witnesses, " that 
 the said petticoat was scoured," to the great grief 
 and detriment of the said Mary Doelittle. There 
 were likewise many evidences produced against the
 
 NO 259. TATLER. 227 
 
 criminal, that though she never failed to come to 
 church on Sunday, she was a most notorious sabbath- 
 breaker ; and that she spent her whole time, during 
 divine service, in disparaging other people's cloaths, 
 and whispering to those who sat next her. Upon 
 the whole she was found guilty of the indictment, 
 and received sentence " to ask pardon of the prose- 
 cutor upon her bare knees, without either cushion 
 or hassock under her in the face of the court." 
 
 N. B. As soon as the sentence was executed on 
 the criminal, which was done in open court with 
 the utmost severity, the first lady of the bench on 
 Mr. BickerstafFs right-hand stood up, and made a 
 motion to the court, " that whereas it was impossi- 
 ble for women of fashion to dress themselves before 
 the church was half done ; and whereas many con- 
 fusions and inconveniences did arise thereupon; it 
 might be lawful for them to send a footman in order 
 to keep their places, as was usual in other polite 
 and well-regulated assemblies." The motion was 
 ordered to be entered in the books, and considered 
 at a more convenient time. 
 
 Charles Cambrick, linen-draper in the city of 
 Westminster, was indicted for speaking obscenely 
 to the lady Penelope Touchwood. It appeared, that 
 the prosecutor and her woman going in a stage- 
 coach from London to Brentford, where they were 
 to be met by the lady's own chariot, the criminal 
 and another of his acquaintance travelled with them 
 in the same coach, at which time the prisoner talked 
 bawdy for the space of three miles and a half. The 
 prosecutor alledged, " that over-against the Old 
 Fox at Knightsbridge he mentioned the word lintn ; 
 that at the further end of Kensington he made use 
 of the term smock; and that, before he came to 
 Hammersmith, he talked almost a quarter of an
 
 2^8 TATLER. NO -259. 
 
 hour upon wedding-shifts" The prosecutor's wo- 
 man confirmed what her lady had said, and added 
 further, " that she had never seen her lady in so 
 great a confusion, and in such a taking as she was 
 during the whole discourse of the criminal." The 
 prisoner had little to say for himself, but that he 
 talked only in his own trade, and meant no hurt 
 by what he said. The jury, however, found him 
 guilty, and represented by their forewoman, that 
 such discourses were apt to sully the imagination ; 
 and that, by a concatenation of ideas, the word linen 
 implied many things, that were not proper to be 
 stirred up in the mind of a woman who was of the 
 prosecutor's quality, and therefore gave it as their 
 verdict, " that the linen-draper should lose his 
 tongue." Mr. Bickerstaff said, he thought the pro- 
 secutor's ears were as much to blame as the prison- 
 er's tongue, and therefore gave sentence as follows : 
 " that they should both be placed over-against one 
 another in the midst of the court, there to remain 
 for the space of one quarter of an hour ; during 
 which time the linen-draper was to be gagged, and 
 the lady to hold her hands close upon both her 
 ears ;" which was executed accordingly. 
 
 Edward Callicoat was indicted as an accomplice 
 to Charles Cambrick, for that he the said Edward 
 Callicoat did, by his silence and smiles, seem to ap- 
 prove and abet the said Charles Cambrick in every 
 thing he said. It appeared, that the prisoner was 
 foreman of the shop to the aforesaid Charles Cam- 
 brick, and, by this post, obliged to smile at every 
 thing that the other should be pleased to say : upon 
 which he was acquitted. 
 
 Josiah Shallow was indicted in the name of Dame 
 Winifred, sole relict of Richard Dainty, esquire, 
 for having said several times in company, and in the
 
 N 259. TATLBR. 229 
 
 hearing of several persons there present, " that he 
 was extremely obliged to the widow Dainty, and 
 that he should never be able sufficiently to express 
 his gratitude." The prosecutor urged, that this 
 might blast her reputation, and that it was in effect 
 a boasting of favours which he had never received. 
 The prisoner seemed to be much astonished at the 
 construction which was put upon his words, and said, 
 "that he meant nothing by them, but that the wi- 
 dow had befriended him in a lease, and was very 
 kind to his younger sister." The jury finding him a 
 little weak in his understanding, without going out 
 of the court brought in their verdict ignoramus. 
 
 Ursula Goodenough was accused by the lady Betty 
 Wou'dbe, for having said, that she, the lady Betty 
 Wou'dbe, was painted. The prisoner brought seve- 
 ral persons of good credit to witness to her reputa- 
 tion, and proved by undeniable evidences, that she 
 was never at the place where the words were said 
 to have been uttered. The Censor, observing the 
 behaviour of the 'prosecutor, found reason to believe 
 that she had indicted the prisoner for no other reason 
 but to make her complexion be taken notice of, 
 which indeed was very fresh and beautiful : he there- 
 fore asked the offender, with a very stern voice, 
 how she could presume to spread so groundless a re- 
 port ? and whether she saw' any colours in the lady 
 Wou'dbe's face that could procure credit to such a 
 falsehood ? " Do you see," says he, " any lilies or 
 roses in her cheeks, any bloom, any probability?" 
 The prosecutor, not able to bear such language any 
 longer, told him, " that he talked like a blind old 
 fool, and that she was ashamed to have entertained 
 any opinion of his wisdom :" but she was put to si- 
 lence, and sentenced " to wear her mask for five 
 months, and not to presume to shew her face until 
 the town should be empty." 
 
 VOL. v. x
 
 230 TATLKR. NO 260. 
 
 Benjamin Buzzard, esquire, was indicted for hav- 
 ing told the lady Everbloom, at a public ball, that 
 she looked very well for a woman of her years. The 
 prisoner not denying the fact, and persisting before 
 the court that he looked upon it as a compliment, 
 the jury brought him in non compos mentis. 
 
 " The court then adjourned to Monday the ele- 
 venth instant." 
 
 Copiavera. CHARLES LILLIE. 
 
 N' 260. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1710. 
 
 Non cuicunque datum est habere natum. 
 
 MARTIAL. 
 
 The nose, 'tis said, shows both our scorn and pride : 
 And yet that feature is to some deny'd. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 6. 
 
 WE have a very learned and elaborate dissertation 
 upon thumbs in Montaigne's Essays, and another 
 upon ears in the " Tale of a Tub." I am here go- 
 ing to write one upon Noses, having chosen for my 
 text the following verses out of Hudibras : 
 
 So learned Taliacotius from 
 The brawny part of porter's bum 
 Cut supplemental noses, which 
 Lasted as long as parent breech ; 
 But when the date of nock was out, 
 Off dropp'd the sympathetic snout.
 
 NO 260. TATLER. 231 
 
 Notwithstanding that there is nothing obscene in 
 natural knowledge, and that I intend to give as little 
 offence as may be to readers of a well-bred imagi- 
 nation ; I must, for my own quiet, desire the critics, 
 who in all things have been famous for good noses, 
 to refrain from the lecture of this curious Tract. 
 These gentlemen were formerly marked out and dis- 
 tinguished by the little rhinocerical nose, which was 
 always looked upon as an instrument of derision ; 
 and which they were used to cock, toss, or draw up 
 in a contemptuous manner, upon reading the works 
 of their ingenious contemporaries. It is not, there- 
 fore, for this generation of men that I write the 
 present transaction, 
 
 Minus aptus acutit 
 
 Naribus horum hominum 
 
 Unfit 
 
 For the brisk petulance of modern wit. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 but for the sake of some of my philosophical friends 
 in the Royal Society, who peruse discourses of this 
 nature with a becoming gravity, and a desire of im- 
 proving by them. 
 
 Many are the opinions of learned men concerning 
 the rise of that fatal distemper, which has always 
 taken a particular pleasure in venting its spite upon 
 the nose. I have seen a little burlesque poem in 
 Italian, that gives a very pleasant account of this 
 matter. The fable of it runs thus : Mars, the god 
 of war, having served during the siege of Naples in 
 the shape of a French colonel, received a visit one 
 night from Venus, the goddess of love, who had 
 been always his professed mistress and admirer. The 
 poem says, she came to him in the disguise of a sut-
 
 232 TATLER. NO 26O. 
 
 tling wench, with a bottle of brandy under her arm. 
 Let that be as it will, he managed matters so well, 
 that she went away big-bellied, and was at length 
 brought to-bed of a little Cupid. This boy, whether 
 it was by reason of any bad food that his father had 
 eaten during the siege, or of any particular malig- 
 nity in the stars that reigned at his nativity, came 
 into the world with a very sickly look and crazy 
 constitution. As soon as he was able to handle his 
 bow, he made discoveries of a most perverse dispo- 
 sition. He dipped all his arrows in poison, that 
 rotted every thing they touched ; and, what was 
 more particular, aimed all his shafts at the nose, 
 quite contrary to the practice of his elder brothers, 
 who had made a human heart their butt in all coun- 
 tries and ages. To break him of this roguish trick, 
 his parents put him to school to Mercury, who did 
 all he could to hinder him from demolishing the noses 
 of mankind; but, in spite of education, the boy 
 continued very unlucky ; and though his malice was 
 a little softened by good instructions, he would 
 very frequently let fly an envenomed arrow, and 
 wound his votaries oftener in the nose than in the 
 heart. Thus far the fable. 
 
 I need not tell my learned reader, that Correggio 
 has drawn a Cupid taking his lesson from Mercury, 
 conformable to this poem ; nor that the poem itself 
 was designed as a burlesque upon Fracastorius. 
 
 It was a little after this fatal siege of Naples, that 
 Taliacotius began to practise in a town of Germany. 
 He was the first love-doctor that I meet with in his- 
 tory, and a greater man in his age than our cele- 
 brated doctor Wall. He saw his species extremely 
 mutilated and disfigured by this new distemper that 
 was crept into it ; and therefore, in pursuance of a 
 very seasonable invention, set up a manufacture of
 
 NO <260. TATLBR. 233 
 
 noses ; having first got a patent that none should 
 presume to make noses besides himself. His first 
 patient was a great man of Portugal, who had done 
 good services to his country, but in the midst of 
 them unfortunately lost his nose. Taliacotius grafted 
 a new one on the remaining part of the gristle or 
 cartilaginous substance, which would sneeze, smell, 
 take snuff, pronounce the letters M or N ; and, in 
 short, do all the functions of a genuine and natural 
 nose. There was, however, one misfortune in this 
 experiment : the Portuguese's complexion was a 
 little upon the subfuse, with very black eyes and 
 dark eye-brows ; and the nose being taken from a 
 porter that had a white German skin, and cut out 
 of those parts that are not exposed to the sun, it 
 was very visible that the features of his face were 
 not fellows. In a word, the Conde resembled one of 
 those maimed antique statues that has often a mo- 
 dern nose of fresh marble glewed to a face of such 
 a yellow, ivory complexion, as nothing can give but 
 age. To remedy this particular for the future, the 
 doctor got together a great collection of porters, 
 men of all complexions, black, fair, brown, dark, 
 sallow, pale, and ruddy.; so that it was impossible 
 for a patient of the most out-of-the-way colour not 
 to find a nose to match it. 
 
 The doctor's house was now very much enlarged, 
 and became a kind of college, or rather a hospital, for 
 the fashionable cripples of both sexes, that resorted 
 to him from all parts of Europe. Over his door was 
 fastened a large golden snout, not unlike that which 
 is placed over the great gates at Brazen-nose college 
 in Oxford ; and, as it is usual for the learned in 
 foreign Universities to distinguish their houses by a 
 Latin sentence, the doctor writ underneath this great 
 golden proboscis two verses out of Ovid :
 
 234 TATLER. 
 
 Militat nmnis amans, habet et sua centra Cvpidn ; 
 Pontice, crede mihi, militat omnis amans. 
 
 OVID Amor. El. ix. i. 
 
 The toils of love require a warrior's art ; 
 And every lover plays the soldier's part. 
 
 It is reported that Taliacotius had at one time in 
 his house, twelve German counts, nineteen French 
 marquisses, and a hundred Spanish cavaliers, be- 
 sides one solitary English esquire, of whom more 
 hereafter. Though the doctor had the monopoly 
 of noses in his own hands, he is said not to have 
 been unreasonable. Indeed, if a man had occasion 
 for a high Roman nose, he must go to the price of 
 it. A carbuncle nose likewise bore an excessive 
 rate ; but for your ordinary short turned-up noses, 
 of which there was the greatest consumption, they 
 cost little or nothing; at least the purchasers thought 
 so, who would have been content to have paid much 
 dearer for them rather than to have gone without 
 them. 
 
 The sympathy betwixt the nose and its parent was 
 very extraordinary. Hudibras has told us, that 
 when the porter died, the nose dropped of course, 
 in which case it was always usual to return the nose, 
 in order to have it interred with its first owner. 
 The nose was likewise affected by the pain, as well 
 as death of the original proprietor. An eminent 
 instance of this nature happened to three Spaniards, 
 whose noses were all made out of the same piece of 
 brawn. They found them one day shoot and swell 
 extremely ; upon which they sent to know how the 
 porter did: and heard, upon enquiry, that the parent 
 of the noses had been severely kicked the day be-
 
 NO 260. TATLKR. 335 
 
 fore, and that the porter kept his bed on account of 
 the bruises which it had received. This was highly 
 resented by the Spaniards, who found out the per- 
 son that had used the porter so unmercifully, and 
 treated him in the same manner, as if the indignity 
 had been done to their own noses. In this and se- 
 veral other cases it might be said, that the porters 
 led the gentlemen by the nose. 
 
 On the other hand, if any thing went amiss with 
 the nose, the porter felt the effects of it ; insomuch, 
 that it was generally articled with the patient, that 
 he should not only abstain from all his old courses, 
 but should, on no pretence whatsoever, smell pepper 
 or eat mustard ; on which occasion, the part where 
 the incision had been made, was seized with un- 
 speakable twinges and prickings. 
 
 The Englishman I before mentioned was so very 
 irregular, and relapsed so frequently into the dis- 
 temper which at first brought him to the learned 
 Taliacotius, that in the space of two years he wore 
 out five noses ; and by that means so tormented the 
 porters, that if he would have given five hundred 
 pounds for a nose, there was not one of them that 
 would accommodate him. This young gentleman 
 was born of honest parents, and passed his first 
 years in fox-hunting ; but accidentally quitting the 
 woods, and coming up to London, he was so 
 charmed with the beauties of the playhouse, that he 
 had not been in town two days before he got the 
 misfortune which carried off this part of his face. 
 He used to be called in Germany " the Englishman 
 of five noses," and "the gentleman that had thrice 
 as many noses as he had ears." Such was the rail- 
 lery of those times. 
 
 I shall close this Paper with an admonition to the
 
 236 TATLBR. NO 261. 
 
 young men of this town ; which I think the more 
 necessary, because I see several new fresh-coloured 
 faces, that have made their first appearance in it 
 this winter. I must therefore assure them, that the 
 art of making noses is entirely lost; and, in the 
 next place, beg them not to follow the example of 
 our ordinary town-rakes, who live as if there was 
 a Taliacotius to be met with at the corner of every 
 street. Whatever young men may think, the nose 
 is a very becoming part of the face ; and a man 
 makes but a very silly figure without it. But it is 
 the nature of youth not to know the value of any 
 thing until they have lost it. The general precept, 
 therefore, I shall leave with them is, to regard every 
 town-woman as a particular kind of syren, that has 
 a design upon their noses; and that, amidst her 
 flatteries and allurements, they will fancy she speaks 
 to them in that humorous phrase of old Plautus, 
 Ego tibi faciem denasabo mordicus, " Keep your face 
 out of my way, or I will bite off your nose." 
 
 N 261. SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1710. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 8. 
 
 IT is the duty of all who make philosophy the en- 
 tertainment of their lives, to turn their thoughts to 
 practical schemes for the good of society, and not 
 pass away their time in fruitless searches, which 
 tend rather to the ostentation of knowledge, than 
 the service of life. For this reason I cannot forbear
 
 N 261. TATLER. 237 
 
 reading even the common bills that are daily put 
 into people's hands as they pass the streets, which 
 give us notice of the present residence, the past 
 travels, and infallible medicines of doctors useful in 
 their generation, though much below the character 
 of the renowned Taliacotius. But, upon a nice 
 calculation of the successes of such adepts, I find 
 their labours tend mostly to the enriching only one 
 sort of men, that is to say, the society of upholders. 
 From this observation, and many other which occur 
 to me when I am numbering the good people of 
 Great-Britain, I cannot but favour any proposal 
 which tends to repairing the losses we sustain by 
 eminent cures. The best I have met with in this 
 kind, has been offered to my consideration, and re- 
 commended in a letter subscribed Thomas Clement. 
 The title to his printed articles runs thus : " By the 
 profitable society, at the Wheat-sheaf over against 
 Tom's coffee-house in Russell-street, Covent-garden, 
 new proposals for promoting a contribution towards 
 raising two hundred and fifty pounds, to be made 
 on the baptising of any infant born in Wedlock." 
 The plan is laid with such proper regulations, as 
 serve, to such as fall in with it for the sake of thejr 
 posterity, all the uses, without any of the incon- 
 veniences, of settlements. By this means, such 
 whose fortunes depend upon their own industry, or 
 personal qualifications, need not be deterred, by 
 fear of poverty, from that state which nature and 
 reason prescribe to us, as the fountain of the great- 
 est happiness in human life. The Censors of Rome 
 had power vested in them to lay taxes on the un- 
 married ; and I think I cannot shew my impar- 
 tiality better than in inquiring into the extravagant 
 privileges my brother bachelors enjoy, and fine them 
 accordingly. I shall not allow a single life in one
 
 238 TATLER. NO 261. 
 
 sex to be reproached, and held in esteem in the 
 other. It would not, methinks, be amiss, if an 
 old bachelor, who lives in contempt of matrimony, 
 were obliged to give a portion to an old maid who 
 is willing to enter into it. At the same time I must 
 allow, that those who can plead courtship, and 
 were unjustly rejected, shall not be liable to the 
 pains and penalties of celibacy. But such as pre- 
 tend an aversion to the whole sex, because they were 
 ill-treated by a particular female, and cover their 
 sense of disappointment in women under a contempt 
 of their favour, shall be proceeded against as bache- 
 lors convict. I am not without hopes, that from this 
 slight warning all the unmarried men of fortune, 
 taste, and refinement, will, without further delay, 
 become lovers and humble servants to such of their 
 acquaintance as are most agreeable to them, under 
 pain of my censures : and it is to be hoped the rest 
 of the world, who remain single for fear of the in- 
 cumbrances of wedlock, will become subscribers 
 to Mr. Clement's proposal. By these means we shall 
 have a much more numerous account of births in the 
 year 1711, than any ever before known in Great- 
 Britain, where merely to be born is a distinction of 
 Providence greater than being born to a fortune in 
 another place. 
 
 As I was going on in the consideration of this 
 good office which Mr. Clement proposes to do his 
 country, I received the following letter, which 
 seems to be dictated by a like modest and public 
 spirit, that makes use of me also in its design of 
 obliging mankind. 
 
 " MR. BlCKERSTAFF, 
 
 " In the royal lottery for a million and a half I 
 had the good fortune of obtaining a prize. From
 
 NO 261. TATLKR. 239 
 
 before the drawing I had devoted a fifth of what- 
 ever should arise to me to charitable uses. Accord- 
 ingly I lately troubled you with my request and 
 commission for placing half a dozen youths with 
 Mr. More, writing-master in Castle-street, to whom, 
 it is said, we owe all the fine devices, flourishes, 
 and the composure of all the plates, for the drawing 
 and paying the tickets. Be pleased, therefore, good 
 Sir, to find or take leisure for complying there- 
 with, for I would not appear concerned in this small 
 matter. I am very much 
 
 Your humble servant, &c." 
 
 It is no small pleasure to observe, that in the 
 midst of a very degenerate age, there are still spirits 
 which retain their natural dignity, and pursue the 
 good of their fellow-creatures ; some in making 
 themselves useful by professed service, some by 
 secret generosity. Were I at liberty to discover 
 even all the good I know of many men living at this 
 time, there would want nothing but a suitable his- 
 torian, to make them appear as illustrious as any of 
 the noblest of the ancient Greeks or Romans. The 
 cunning some have used to do handsome and worthy 
 actions, the address to do men services, and escape 
 their notice, has produced so many surprising in- 
 cidents, which have been laid before me during my 
 Censorship, as, in the opinion of posterity, would 
 absolve this age of all its crimes and follies. I know 
 no way to deal with such delicate minds as these, 
 but by assuring them, that when they cease to do 
 good, I shall tell all the good they have done al- 
 ready. Let, therefore, the benefactors to the youths 
 above mentioned continue such bounties, upon pain 
 of being publicly praised. But there is no proba- 
 bility of his running into that hazard ; for a strong
 
 240 TATLER. N261. 
 
 habit of virtue can make men suspend the receiving 
 the acknowledgments due to their merit, until they 
 are out of a capacity of receiving them. I am so 
 very much charmed with accidents of this kind, 
 that I have made a collection of all the memorable 
 handsome things done by private men in my time. 
 As a specimen of my manner of noticing such ac- 
 tions, take the following fragment out of much more, 
 which is written in my year-book, on the remark- 
 able will of a gentleman, whom I shall here call 
 Celamico. 
 
 " This day died that plain and excellent man, my 
 much-honoured friend Celamico, who bequeathed 
 his whole estate to a gentleman no way related to 
 him, and to whom he had given no such expectation 
 in his life-time." 
 
 He was a person of a very enlarged soul, and 
 thought the nearest relation among men to be the 
 resemblance of their minds and sentiments. He 
 was not mistaken in the worth of his successor, who 
 received the news of this unexpected good fortune 
 with an air that shewed him less moved with the be- 
 nefit than the loss of the benefactor. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 *** Notice is hereby given, that on Monday the 
 eleventh instant, the case of the visit comes on, be- 
 tween the hours of ten and eleven, at the Court of 
 Honour ; where both persons are to attend, the 
 meeting there not being to be understood as a visit, 
 and the right of the next visit being then to be 
 wholly settled, according to the prayer of the 
 plaintiff.
 
 262. TATLER. 241 
 
 262. TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1710. 
 
 f^erba togs sequeris, juncture, callidus am, 
 Or* teres modico, pallantes rttdere mores 
 
 Doctus, et ingenuo culpam defigere ludo. 
 
 PERS. Sat. v. 14. 
 
 Soft elocution does thy style renown, 
 And the sweet accents of the peaceful gown ; 
 Gentle or sharp according to thy choice, 
 To laugh at follies, or to lash at vice. 
 
 DRYDEN. 
 
 JOURNAL OF THE COURT OF HONOUR, &c. 
 
 TIMOTHY TREATALL, gentleman, was indicted by 
 several ladies of his sister's acquaintance for a very 
 rude affront offered to them at an entertainment, to 
 which he had invited them on Tuesday the seventh 
 of November last past, between the hours of eight 
 and nine in the evening. The indictment set forth, 
 " that the said Mr. Treatall, upon the serving up 
 of the supper, desired the ladies to take their places 
 according to their different age and seniority ; for 
 that it was the way always at his table to pay respect 
 to years." The indictment added, " that this pro- 
 duced an unspeakable confusion in the company ; 
 for that the ladies, who before had pressed together 
 for a place at the upper end of the table, immedi- 
 ately crowded with the same disorder towards the 
 end that was quite opposite : that Mrs. Frontley 
 had the insolence to clap herself down at the very 
 lowest place of the table ; that the widow Partlet 
 seated herself on the right-hand of Mrs. Frontley, 
 alleging for her excuse, that no ceremony was to 
 VOL. v. Y
 
 242 TATLER. NO 262. 
 
 be used at a round table ; that Mrs. Fidget and 
 Mrs. Fescue disputed above half-an-hour for the 
 same chair, and that the latter would not give up 
 the cause until it was decided by the parish register, 
 which happened to be kept hard by." The indict- 
 ment further saith, " that the rest of the company 
 who sat down did it with a reserve to their right, 
 which they were at liberty to assert on another oc- 
 casion; and that Mrs. Mary Pippe, an old maid, 
 was placed by the unanimous vote of the whole 
 company at the upper end of the table, from whence 
 she had the confusion to behold several mothers of 
 families among her inferiors." The criminal al- 
 leged in his defence, " that what he had done was 
 to raise mirth, and avoid ceremony ; and that the 
 ladies did not complain of his rudeness until the 
 next morning, having eaten up what he had pro- 
 vided for them with great readiness and alacrity." 
 The Censor, frowning upon him, told him, " that 
 he ought not to discover so much levity in matters 
 of a serious nature ;" and, upon the jury's bringing 
 him in guilty, sentenced him " to treat the whole 
 assembly of ladies over again, and to take care that 
 he did it with the decorum which was due to per- 
 sons of their quality." 
 
 Rebecca Shapely, spinster, was indicted by Mrs. 
 Sarah Smack, for speaking many words reflecting 
 upon her reputation, and the heels of her silk 
 slippers, which the prisoner had maliciously sug- 
 gested to be two inches higher than they really were. 
 The prosecutor urged, as an aggravation of her 
 guilt, that the prisoner was " herself guilty of the 
 same kind of forgery which she had laid to the pro- 
 secutor's charge; for that she, the said Rebecca 
 Shapely, did always wear a pair of steel bodice, 
 and a false rump." The Censor ordered the slippers
 
 NO 262. TATLER. 243 
 
 to be produced in open court, where the heels were 
 adjudged to be of the statutable size. He then or- 
 dered the grand jury to search the criminal, -who, 
 after some time spent therein, acquitted her ~of the 
 bodice, but found her guilty of the rump; upon 
 which she received sentence as is usual in such cases. 
 William Trippit, esquire, of the Middle Temple, 
 brought his action against the lady Elizabeth Prudely, 
 for having refused him her hand as he offered to 
 lead her to her coach from the opera. The plaintiff 
 set forth, that he had entered himself into the list 
 of those volunteers, who officiate every night be- 
 hind the boxes as gentlemen-ushers of the play- 
 house : that he had been at a considerable charge in 
 white gloves, perriwigs, and snuff-boxes, in order to 
 qualify himself for that employment, and in hopes 
 of making his fortune by it. The counsel for the 
 defendant replied, that the plaintiff had given out 
 that he was within a month of wedding their client, 
 and that she had refused her hand to him in cere- 
 mony, lest he should interpret it as a promise that 
 she would give it him in marriage. As soon as the 
 pleadings on both side were finished, the Censor 
 ordered the plaintiff to be cashiered from his office 
 of gentleman usher to the play-house, since it was 
 too plain that he had undertaken it with an ill 
 design; and at the same time ordered the defendant 
 either to marry the said plaintiff, or to pay him 
 half-a-crown for the new pair of gloves and coach- 
 hire that he was at the expence of in her service. 
 
 The Lady Townly brought an action of debt 
 against Mrs. Flambeau, for that the said Mrs. 
 Flambeau had not been to see the Lady Townly, 
 and wish her joy, since her marriage with Sir Ralph, 
 notwithstanding she, the said Lady Townly, had 
 paid Mrs. Flambeau a visit upon her first coming to
 
 244 TATLER. NO 262. 
 
 town. It was urged in the behalf of the defendant, 
 that the plaintiff had never given her any regular 
 notice of her being in town ; that the visit she al- 
 leged had been made on Monday, which she knew 
 was a day on which Mrs. Flambeau was always 
 abroad, having set aside that only day in the week 
 to mind the affairs of her family : that the servant, 
 who inquired whether she was at home, did not 
 give the visiting-knock : that it was not between 
 the hours of five and eight in the evening: that 
 there were no candles lighted up : that it was not on 
 Mrs. Flambeau's day : and, in short, that there 
 was not one of the essential points observed that 
 constitute a visit. She further proved by her 
 porter's book, which was produced in court, that 
 she had paid the lady Townly a visit on the twen- 
 ty-fourth day of March, just before her leaving the 
 town, in the year seventeen hundred and nine-ten*, 
 for which she was still creditor to the said lady 
 Townly. To this the plaintiff only replied, that she 
 was now under covert, and not liable to any 
 debts contracted when she was a single woman. Mr. 
 Bickerstaff finding the cause to be very intricate, 
 and that several points of honour were likely to 
 arise in it, he deferred giving judgment upon it 
 until the next session day, at which time he ordered 
 the ladies on his left-hand to present to the court a 
 table of all the laws relating to visits. 
 
 Winifred Leer brought her action against Richard 
 Sly for having broken a marriage-contract, and 
 wedded another woman, after he had engaged him- 
 
 * Not Nineteen, but on the very last day of 1709-10. It was 
 a nice point, for, according to the manner of reckoning at- 
 that time, the year 1710 began on the day following, that is, 
 on the 2Sth of March.
 
 N 262. TATLER. 245 
 
 self to marry the said Winifred Leer. She alleged, 
 that he had ogled her twice at the opera, thrice 
 in St. James's church, and once at Powel's puppet- 
 show, at which time he promised her marriage 
 by a side glance, as her friend could testify that 
 sat by her. Mr. Bickerstaff finding that the de- 
 fendant had made no further overture of love or 
 marriage but by looks and ocular engagement ; 
 yet at the same time considering how very apt 
 such impudent seducers are to lead the ladies hearts 
 astray, ordered the criminal " to stand upon the 
 stage in the Haymarket, between each act of the 
 next opera, there to be exposed to public view as a 
 false ogler." 
 
 Upon the rising of the court, Mr. Bickerstaff 
 having taken one of these counterfeits in the very 
 fact, as he was ogling a lady of the grand jury, or- 
 dered him to be seized, and prosecuted upon the 
 statute of ogling. He likewise directed the clerk 
 of the court to draw up an edict against these com- 
 mon cheats, that make women believe they are 
 distracted for them, by staring them out of counte- 
 nance, and often blast a lady's reputation whom they 
 never spoke to, by saucy looks and distant familia- 
 rities. 
 
 Y 2
 
 246 TATLER. NO 563. 
 
 263. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1710. 
 
 Minima contentot node Britannos. Juv. Sat. ii. 161. 
 
 Britons contented with the shortest night. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December IS. 
 
 AN old friend of mine being lately come to town, I 
 went to see him on Tuesday last about eight o'clock 
 in the evening, with a design to sit with him an 
 hour or two, and talk over old stories ; but, upon 
 inquiry after him, I found he was gone to-bed. The 
 next morning, as soon as I was up and dressed, and 
 had dispatched a little business, I came again to my 
 friend's house about eleven o'clock, with a design to 
 renew my visit : but, upon asking for him, his ser- 
 vant told me he was just sat down to dinner. In 
 short, I found that my old-fashioned friend reli- 
 giously adhered to the example of his forefathers, 
 and observed the same hours that had been kept in 
 the family ever since the Conquest. 
 
 It is very plain, that the night was much longer 
 formerly in this island than it is at present. By the 
 night, I mean that portion of time which nature has 
 thrown into darkness, and which the wisdom of 
 mankind had formerly dedicated to rest and silence. 
 This used to begin at eight o'clock in the evening, 
 and conclude at six in the morning. The curfeu, 
 or eight o'clock bell, was the signal throughout the 
 nation for putting eut their candles and going to- 
 bed.
 
 NO 263. TATLER. 547 
 
 Our grandmothers, though they were went to 
 sit up the last in the family, were all of them fast 
 asleep at the same hours that their daughters are busy 
 at crimp and basset. Modern statesmen are con- 
 certing schemes, and engaged in the depth of po- 
 litics, at the time when their forefathers were laid 
 down quietly to rest, and had nothing in their heads 
 but dreams. As we have thus thrown business and 
 pleasure into the hours of rest, and by that means 
 made the natural night but half as long as it should 
 be, we are forced to piece it out with a great part of 
 the morning ; so that near two-thirds of the nation 
 lie fast asleep for several hours in broad day-light. 
 This irregularity is grown so very fashionable at pre- 
 sent, that there is scarce a lady of quality in Great- 
 Britain that ever saw the sun rise. And, if the hu- 
 mour increases in proportion to what it has done of 
 late years, it is not impossible but our children may 
 hear the bell-man going about the streets at nine 
 o'clock in the morning, and the watch making their 
 rounds until eleven. This unaccountable disposition 
 in mankind to continue awake in the night, and 
 sleep in the sun-shine, has made me inquire, whe- 
 ther the same change of inclination has happened to 
 any other animals? For this reason, I desired a 
 friend of mine in the country to let me know, whe- 
 ther the lark rises as early as he did formerly ; and 
 whether the cock begins to crow at his usual hour ? 
 My friend has answered me, " that his poultry are 
 as regular as ever, and that all the birds and beasts 
 of his neighbourhood keep the same hours that they 
 have observed in the memory of man ; and the same 
 which, in all probability, they have kept for these 
 five thousand years." 
 
 If you would see the innovations that have been 
 made among us in this particular, you may only
 
 248 TATLER. NO 263. 
 
 look into the hours of colleges, where they still dine 
 at eleven, and sup at six, which were doubtless the 
 hours of the whole nation at the time when those 
 places were founded. But at present, the courts 
 of justice are scarce opened in Westminster -hall at 
 the time when William Rufus used to go to dinner 
 in it. All business is driven forward. The land- 
 marks of our fathers, if I may so call them, are re- 
 moved, and planted further up into the day ; inso- 
 much, that I am afraid our clergy will be obliged, if 
 they expect full congregations, not to look any more 
 upon ten o'clock in the morning as a canonical 
 hour. In my own memory, the dinner has crept by 
 degrees from twelve o'clock to three, and where it 
 will fix nobody knows. 
 
 I have sometimes thought to draw up a memorial 
 in the behalf of Supper against Dinner, setting 
 forth, that the said Dinner has made several in- 
 croachments upon the said Supper, and entered 
 very far upon his frontiers ; that he has banished 
 him out of several families, and in all has driven 
 him from his head quarters, and forced him to make 
 his retreat into the hours of midnight ; and, in 
 short, that he is now in danger of being entirely 
 confounded, and lost in a breakfast. Those who 
 have read Lucian, and seen the complaints of the 
 letter T against S, upon account of many injuries 
 and usurpations of the same nature, will not, I be- 
 lieve, think such a memorial forced and unnatural. 
 If dinner has been thus postponed, or, if you please, 
 kept back from time to time, you may be sure that 
 it has been in compliance with the other business of 
 the day, and that supper has still observed a pro- 
 portionable distance. There is a venerable proverb 
 which we have all of us heard in our infancy, of 
 " putting the children to bed, and laying the goose
 
 NO 263. TATLER. 249 
 
 to the fire." This was one of the jocular sayings 
 of our forefathers, but may be properly used in the 
 literal sense at present. Who would not wonder at 
 this perverted relish of those who are reckoned the 
 most polite part of mankind, that prefer sea coals 
 and candles to the sun, and exchange so many 
 cheerful morning hours, for the pleasures of mid- 
 night revels and debauches ? If a man was only to 
 consult his health, he would choose to live his whole 
 time, if possible, in day-light ; and to retire out of 
 the world into silence and sleep, while the raw 
 damps and unwholesome vapours fly abroad, with- 
 out a sun to disperse, moderate, or controul them. 
 For my own part, I value an hour in the morning 
 as much as common libertines do an hour at mid- 
 night. When I find myself awakened into being, 
 and perceive my life renewed within me, and at the 
 same time see the whole face of nature recovered 
 out of the dark uncomfortable state in which it lay 
 for several hours, my heart overflows with such se- 
 cret sentiments of joy and gratitude, as are a kind 
 of implicit praise to the great Author of Nature. 
 The mind, in these early seasons of the day, is so 
 refreshed in all its faculties, and borne up with 
 such new supplies of animal spirits, that she finds 
 herself in a state of youth, especially when she is 
 entertained with the breath of flowers, the melody 
 of birds, the dews that hang upon the plants, and 
 all those other sweets of nature that are peculiar to 
 the morning. 
 
 It is impossible for a man to have this relish of 
 being, this exquisite taste of life, who does not come 
 into the world before it is in all its noise and hurry ; 
 who loses the rising of the sun, the still hours of the 
 day, and, immediately upon his first getting up, 
 plunges himself into the ordinary cares or follies of 
 the world.
 
 250 TATLER. NO 263. 
 
 I shall conclude this paper with Milton's inimi- 
 table description of Adam's awakening his Eve in 
 Paradise, which indeed would have been a place as 
 little delightful as a barren heath or desert to those 
 who slept in it. The fondness of the posture in 
 which Adam is represented, and the softness of his 
 whisper, are passages in this divine poem that are 
 above all commendation, and rather to be admired 
 than praised. 
 
 Now Morn her rosy steps in th" eastern clime 
 Advancing, sow'd the earth with orient pearl, 
 When Adam wak'd, so custom' d ; for his sleep 
 Was airy light from pure digestion bred, 
 And temperate vapours bland ; which th' only sound 
 Of leaves and fuming rills, Aurora's fan, 
 Lightly dispers'd, and the shrill matin song 
 Of birds on every bough, so much the more 
 His wonder was to find unwaken'd Eve, 
 With tresses discompos'd, and glowing cheek, 
 As through unquiet rest. He on his side 
 Leaning half-rais'd, with looks of cordial love, 
 Hung over her enamour' il, and beheld 
 Beauty, which, whether waking or asleep, 
 Shot forth peculiar graces. Then with voice 
 Mild as when Zephyrus on Flora breathes, 
 Her hand soft touching, whisper'd thus : Awake, 
 My fairest, my espous'd, my latest found, 
 Heaven's last best gift, my ever-new delight, 
 Awake ; the morning shines, and the fresh field 
 Calls us ; we lose the prime, to mark how spring 
 Our tended plants, how blows the citron grove, 
 What drops the myrrh, and what the balmy reed, 
 How nature paints her colours, bow the bee 
 Sits on the bloom extracting liquid sweets. 
 
 Such whispering wak'd her, but with startled eye 
 On Adam, whom embracing, thus she spake : 
 
 O sole ! in whom my thoughts find all repose, 
 My glory, my perfection, glad I see 
 
 Thy face, and morn return'd 
 
 MILTON'S Par. Lost, b. v. 1. 1, &c.
 
 NO 264. TATLER. 251 
 
 N 264. SATURDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1710. 
 
 Favete linguis Hon. 1 Od. iii. 2. 
 
 Favour your tongues. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 15. 
 
 BOCCALINI, in his " Parnassus," indicts a laconic 
 writer for speaking that in three words which he 
 might have said in two, and sentences him for his 
 punishment to read over all the works of Guicci- 
 ardini. This Guicciardini is so very prolix and cir- 
 cumstantial in his writings, that I remember our 
 countryman, Doctor Donne, speaking of that ma- 
 jestic and concise manner in which Moses has de- 
 scribed the creation of the world, adds, " that if 
 such an author as Guicciardini were to have written 
 on such a subject, the world itself would not have 
 been able to have contained the books that gave the 
 history of its creation." 
 
 I look upon a tedious talker, or what is generally 
 known by the name of a story-teller, to be much 
 more insufferable than even a prolix writer. An 
 author may be tossed out of your hand, and thrown 
 aside when he grows dull and tiresome ; but such 
 liberties are so far from being allowed towards your 
 orators in common conversation, that I have known 
 a challenge sent a person for going out of the room 
 abruptly, and leaving a man of honour in the midst 
 of a dissertation. This evil is at present so very 
 common and epidemical that there is scarce a 
 coffee-house in town that has not some speakers 
 belonging to it, who utter their political essays, and
 
 252 TATLER. NO 264. 
 
 draw parallels out of Baker's " Chronicle" to al- 
 most every part of her Majesty's reign. It was said 
 of two antient authors, who had very different 
 beauties in their style, " that if you took a word 
 from one of them, you only spoiled his eloquence : 
 but if you took a word from the other, you spoiled 
 his sense." 1 have often applied the first part of 
 this criticism to several of these coffee-house speak- 
 ers whom I have at present in my thoughts, though 
 the character that is given to the last of those au- 
 thors, is what I would recommend to the imitation 
 of my loving countrymen. But it is not only pub- 
 lic places of resort, but private clubs and conver- 
 sations over a bottle, that are infested with this lo- 
 quacious kind of animal, especially with that species 
 which I comprehend under the name of a story- 
 teller. I would earnestly desire these gentlemen to 
 consider, that no point of wit or mirth at the end of 
 a story can atone for the half hour that has been lost 
 before they come at it. I would likewise lay it 
 home to their serious consideration, whether they 
 think that every man in the company has not a right 
 to speak as well as themselves ? and whether they 
 do not think they are invading another man's pro- 
 perty, when they engross the time which should be 
 divided equally among the company to their own 
 private use? 
 
 What makes this evil the much greater in con- 
 versation is, that these humdrum companions sel- 
 dom endeavour to wind up their narrations into a 
 point of mirth or instruction, which might make 
 some amends for the tediousness of them ; but think 
 they have a right to tell any thing that has hap- 
 pened within their memory. They look upon matter 
 of fact to be a sufficient foundation for a story, and 
 give us a long account of things, not because they
 
 NO <264. TATLER. 2f>3 
 
 are entertaining or surprising, but because they 
 are true. 
 
 My ingenious kinsman, Mr. Humphry Wagstaff, 
 used to say, " the life of man is too short for a 
 story-teller." 
 
 Methusalem might be half an hour in telling what 
 o'clock it was : but as for us post-diluvians, we 
 ought to do every thing in haste ; and in our 
 speeches, as well as actions, remember that our 
 time is short. A man that talks for a quarter of an 
 hour together in company, if I meet him frequently, 
 takes up a great part of my span. A quarter of an 
 hour may be reckoned the eight-and-fortieth part of 
 a day, a day the three hundred and sixtieth part 
 of a year, and a year the threescore and tenth part 
 of life. By this moral arithmetic, supposing a man 
 to be in the talking world one third part of the day, 
 whoever gives another a quarter of an hour's hearing, 
 makes him a sacrifice of more than the four hundred 
 thousandth part of his conversable life. 
 
 I would establish but one great general rule to be 
 observed in all conversation, which is this, " that 
 men should not talk to please themselves, but those 
 that hear them." This would make them consider, 
 whether what they speak be worth hearing ; whe- 
 ther there be either wit or sense in what they are 
 about to say; and, whether it be adapted to the 
 time when, the place where, and the person to 
 whom, it is spoken. 
 
 For the utter extirpation of these orators and 
 story-tellers, which I look upon as very great pests 
 of society, I have invented a watch which divides 
 the minute into twelve parts, after the same manner 
 that the ordinary watches are divided into hours: 
 and will endeavour to get a patent, which shall 
 oblige every club or company to provide themselves 
 with one of these watches, that shall lie upon the 
 
 VOL. V. 7.
 
 254 TATLBR. NO 264. 
 
 table, as an hour-glass is often placed near the pul- 
 pit, to measure out the length of a discourse. 
 
 I shall be willing to allow a man one round of my 
 watch, that is, a whole minute, to speak in ; but if 
 he exceeds that time, it shall be lawful for any of 
 the company to look upon the watch, or to call him 
 down to order. 
 
 Provided, however, that if any one can make it 
 appear he is turned of threescore, he may take two, 
 or, if he pleases, three rounds of the watch, with- 
 out giving offence. Provided also, that this rule be 
 not construed to extend to the fair sex, who shall 
 still be at liberty to talk by the ordinary watch that 
 is now in use. I would likewise earnestly recom- 
 mend this little automaton, which may be easily 
 carried in the pocket without any incumbrance, to 
 all such as are troubled with this infirmity of speech, 
 that upon pulling out their watches, they may have 
 frequent occasion to consider what they are doing, 
 and by that means cut the thread of the story short, 
 and hurry to a conclusion. I shall only add, that 
 this watch, with a paper of directions how to use it, 
 is sold at Charles Lillie's. 
 
 I am afraid a Taller will be thought a very im- 
 proper paper to censure ihis humour of being talk- 
 ative ; bul I would have my readers know, that 
 there is a great difference between tattle and loqua- 
 city, as I shall shew at large in a following Lucu- 
 bration ; it being my design to throw away a candle 
 upon that subject, in order to explain the whole art 
 of tattling in all its branches and subdivisions.
 
 NO 265. TATLER. 2 5 5 
 
 N 265. TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1710. 
 
 Arbiter hie igitur factus de litejocoaa. 
 
 OVID. Met. iii. 331. 
 
 Him therefore they create 
 
 The sov'reign umpire of their droll debate. 
 
 CONTINUATION OF THE JOURNAL OF THE COURT 
 OF HONOUR, &c. 
 
 As soon as the court was sat, the ladies of the 
 bench presented, according to order, a table of all 
 the laws now in force relating to visits and visiting- 
 days, methodically digested under their respective 
 heads, which the Censor ordered to be laid upon 
 the table, and afterwards proceeded upon the busi- 
 ness of the day. 
 
 Henry Heedless, esquire, was indicted by colonel 
 Touchy, of her majesty's trained-bands, upon an 
 action of assault and battery ; for that he, the said 
 Mr. Heedless, having espied a feather upon the 
 shoulder of the said colonel, struck it off gently 
 with the end of a walking-staff, value three-pence. 
 It appeared, that the prosecutor did not think him- 
 self injured until a few days after the aforesaid blow 
 was given him ; but that having ruminated with 
 himself for several days, and conferred upon it with 
 other officers of the militia, he concluded, that he 
 had in effect been cudgelled by Mr. Heedless, and 
 that he ought to resent it accordingly. The counsel 
 for the prosecutor alleged, that the shoulder was 
 the tenderest part in a man of honour ; that it had a
 
 56 TATLBH. NO 265. 
 
 natural antipathy to a stick ; and that every touch 
 of it, with any thing made in the fashion of a cane, 
 was to be interpreted as a wound in that part, and a 
 violation of the person's honour who received it. 
 Mr. Heedless replied, " that what he had done was 
 out of kindness to the Prosecutor, as not thinking it 
 proper for him to appear at the head of the trained- 
 bands with a feather upon his shoulder ;" and fur- 
 ther added, " that the stick he had made use of on 
 this occasion was so very small, that the prosecutor 
 could not have felt it had he broken it on his 
 shoulders." The Censor hereupon directed the jury 
 to examine into the nature of the staff, for that a 
 great deal would depend upon that particular. Upon 
 which he explained to them the different degrees of 
 offence that might be given by the touch of crab- 
 tree from that of cane, and by the touch of cane 
 from that of a plain hazle-stick. The jury, after a 
 short perusal of the staff, declared their opinion by 
 the mouth of their foreman, " that the substance 
 of the staff was British oak." The Censor then ob- 
 serving that there was some dust on the skirts of the 
 criminal's coat, ordered the prosecutor to beat it off 
 with the aforesaid oaken plant ; " and thus," said 
 the Censor, " I shall decide this cause by the law of 
 retaliation. If Mr. Heedless did the colonel a good 
 office, the colonel will by this means return it in 
 kind ; but if Mr. Heedless should at any time 
 boast that he had cudgelled the colonel, or laid his 
 staff over his shoulders, the colonel might boast, in 
 his turn, that he has brushed Mr. Heedless's jacket, 
 or, to use the phrase of an ingenious author, that he 
 has rubbed him down with an oaken towel." 
 
 Benjamin Busy, of London, merchant, was in- 
 dicted by Jasper Tattle, esquire, for having pulled 
 out his watch, and looked upon it thrice, while the 
 said esquire Tattle was giving him an account of the
 
 NO 265. TATLEn. 257 
 
 funeral of the said esquire Tattle's first wife. The 
 prisoner alleged in his defence, that he was going 
 to buy stocks at the time when he met the prose- 
 cutor ; and that, during the story of the prosecutor, 
 the said stocks rose above two per cent, to the great 
 detriment of the prisoner. The prisoner further 
 brought several witnesses to prove, that the said 
 Jasper Tattle, esquire, was a most notorious story- 
 teller ; that, before he met the prisoner, he had 
 hindered one of the prisoner's acquaintance from 
 the pursuit of his lawful business, with the account 
 of his second marriage ; and that he had detained 
 another by the button of his coat that very morn- 
 ing, until he had heard several witty sayings and 
 contrivances of the prosecutor's eldest son, who was 
 a boy of about five years of age. Upon the whole 
 matter, Mr. BickerstafF dismissed the accusation as 
 frivolous, and sentenced the prosecutor " to pay 
 damages to the prisoner, for what the prisoner had 
 lost by giving him so long and patient an hearing." 
 He further reprimanded the prosecutor very se- 
 verely, and told him, " that if he proceeded in his 
 usual manner to interrupt the business of mankind, 
 he would set a fine upon him for every quarter of an 
 hour's impertinence, and regulate the said fine ac- 
 cording as the time of the person so injured should 
 appear to be more or less precious." 
 
 Sir Paul Swash, knight, was indicted by Peter 
 Double, gentleman, for not returning the bow 
 which he received of the said Peter Double, on 
 Wednesday the sixth instant, at the play-house in 
 the Hay-market. The prisoner denied the receipt 
 of any such bow, and alleged in his defence, that 
 the prosecutor would oftentimes look full in his 
 face, but that when he bowed to the said prose- 
 cutor, he would take no notice of it, or bow to 
 somebody else that sat quite on the other side of
 
 <J58 TATIJfiR. NO 265. 
 
 him. He likewise alleged, that several ladies had 
 complained of the prosecutor, who, after ogling 
 them a quarter of an hour, upon their making a 
 courtesy to him, would not return the civility of a 
 bow. The Censor observing several glances of the 
 prosecutor's eye, and perceiving that when he talked 
 to the court he looked upon the jury, found reason 
 to suspect there was a wrong cast in his sight, which, 
 upon examination, proved true. The Censor there- 
 fore ordered the prisoner, that he might not produce 
 any more confusions in public assemblies, " never to 
 bow to any body whom he did not at the same time 
 call to by name." 
 
 Oliver Bluff and Benjamin Browbeat were in- 
 dicted for going to fight a duel since the erection of 
 " The Court of Honour." It appeared, that they 
 were both taken up in the street as they passed by 
 the court in their way to the fields behind Mon- 
 tague-house. The criminals would answer nothing 
 for themselves, but that they were going to execute 
 a challenge which had been made a week before the 
 " Court of Honour" was erected. The Censor 
 finding some reason to suspect, by the sturdiness of 
 their behaviour, that they were not so very brave as 
 they would have the court believe them, ordered 
 them both to be searched by the grand jury, who 
 found a breast-plate upon the one, and two quires 
 of paper upon the other. The breast-plate was im- 
 mediately ordered to be hung upon a peg over Mr. 
 Bickerstaff's tribunal, and the paper to be laid upon 
 the table for the use of his clerk. He then ordered 
 the criminals to button up their bosoms, and, if they 
 pleased, proceed to their duel. Upon which they 
 both went very quietly out of the court, and retired 
 to their respective lodgings. " The Court then 
 adjourned until after the holidays." 
 
 Copia vera. CHARLES LILLIE.
 
 K0266. TATLER. 259 
 
 N" 266. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1710. 
 
 Itidrat et pulset lasciua decentius tstas. 
 
 HOR. 2 Ep. ii. ult. 
 
 Let youth, more decent in their follies, scoff 
 The nauseous scene, and hiss thee reeling off. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 20. 
 
 IT would be a good appendix to " The art of 
 Living and Dying," if any one would write " The 
 Art of growing Old," and teach men to resign their 
 pretensions to the pleasures and gallantries of youth, 
 hi proportion to the alteration they find in them- 
 selves by the approach of age and infirmities. The 
 infirmities of this stage of life would be much fewer, 
 if we did not affect those which attend the more vi- 
 gorous and active part of our days ; but instead of 
 studying to be wiser, or being contented with our 
 present follies, the ambition of many of us is also to 
 be the same sort of fools we formerly have been. I 
 have often argued, as I am a professed lover of 
 women, that our sex grows old with a much worse 
 grace than the other does ; and have ever been of 
 opinion, that there are more well-pleased old wo- 
 men than old men. I thought it a good reason for 
 this, that the ambition of the fair sex being con- 
 fined to advantageous marriages, or shining in the 
 eyes of men, their parts were over sooner, and con- 
 sequently the errors in the performance of them. 
 The conversation of this evening has not convinced
 
 26O TATLER. NO <26G. 
 
 me of the contrary ; for one or two fop-women shall 
 not make a balance for the crowd of coxcombs 
 among ourselves, diversified according to the dif- 
 ferent pursuits of pleasure and business. 
 
 Returning home this evening, a little before my 
 usual hour, 1 scarce had seated myself in my easy 
 chair, stirred the fire, and stroaked my cat, but 
 I heard somebody come rumbling up stairs. I saw 
 my door opened, and a human figure advancing to- 
 wards me, so fantastically put together, that it was 
 some minutes before I discovered it to be my old 
 and intimate friend Sam Trusty. Immediately I 
 rose up, and placed him in my own seat; a com- 
 pliment I pay to few. The first thing he uttered 
 was, " Isaac, fetch me a cup of your cherry-brandy 
 before you offer to ask any question." He drank a 
 lusty draught, sat silent for some time, and at last 
 broke out ; " I am come," quoth he, " to insult 
 thee for an old fantastic dotard, as thou art, in ever 
 defending the women. I have this evening visited 
 two widows, who are now in that state I have often 
 heard you call an after-life ; I suppose you mean by 
 it, an existence which grows out of past entertain- 
 ments, and is an untimely delight in the satis- 
 factions which they once set their hearts upon too 
 much to be ever able to relinquish. Have but pa- 
 tience," continued he, " until I give you a succinct 
 account of my ladies, and of this night's adventure. 
 They are much of an age, but very different in their 
 characters. The one of them, with all the advances 
 which years have made upon her, goes on in 
 a certain romantic road of love and friendship which 
 she fell into in her teens ; the other has transferred 
 the amorous passions of her first years to the love of 
 cronies, petts, and favourites, with which she is 
 always surrounded ; but the genius of each of them 
 will best appear by the account of what happened to
 
 NO 266. TATLER. 261 
 
 me at their houses. About five this afternoon, being 
 tired with study, the weather inviting, and time 
 lying a little upon my hands, I resolved, at the in- 
 stigation of my evil genius, to visit them ; their 
 husbands having been our contemporaries. This I 
 thought I could do without much trouble ; for both 
 live in the very next street. I went first to my lady 
 Camomile ; and the butler, who had lived long in 
 the family, and seen me often in his master's time, 
 ushered me very civilly into the parlour, and told 
 me, though my lady had given strict orders to be 
 denied, he was sure I might be admitted, and bid 
 the black boy acquaint his lady, that I was come to 
 wait upon her. In the window lay two letters, one 
 broke open, the other fresh sealed with a wafer: 
 the first directed to the divine Cosmelia, the second 
 to the charming Lucinda ; but both, by the indented 
 characters, appeared to have been writ* by very 
 unsteady hands. Such uncommon addresses in- 
 creased my curiosity, and put me upon asking my 
 old friend the butler, if he knew who those persons 
 were ? ' Very well,' says he, ' this is from Mrs. 
 Furbish to my lady, an old school-fellow and great 
 crony of her ladyship's : and this the answer.' I 
 inquired in what county she lived. ' Oh dear !' 
 says he, ' but just by, in the neighbourhood. Why, 
 she was here all this morning, and that letter came 
 and was answered within these two hours. They 
 have taken an odd fancy, you must know, to call 
 one another hard names; but, for all that, they love 
 one another hugely.' By this time the boy returned 
 with his lady's humble service to me, desiring I 
 would excuse her ; for she could not possibly see 
 me, nor any body else, for it was opera-night." 
 
 * For written. Instances of this kind are frequent in thf> 
 Tatlcr, Spectator, and Guardian.
 
 262 TATLER. No 266. 
 
 " Methinks," says I, " such innocent folly as 
 two old women's courtship to each other, should 
 rather make you merry than put you out of humour." 
 " Peace, good Isaac," says he, " no interruption I 
 beseech you. I got soon to Mrs. Feeble's, she that 
 was formerly Betty Frisk ; you must needs remember 
 her ; Tom Feeble, of Brazen Nose, fell in love with 
 her for her fine dancing. Well, Mrs. Ursula, with- 
 out further ceremony, carries me directly up to her 
 mistress's chamber, where I found her environed by 
 four of the most mischievous animals that can ever 
 infest a family ; an old shock dog with one eye, a 
 monkey chained to one side of the chimney, a great 
 grey squirrel to the other, and a parrot waddling in 
 the middle of the room. However, for a while, all 
 was in a profound tranquillity. Upon the mantle- 
 tree, for I am a pretty curious observer, stood a pot 
 of lambetive electuary, with a stick of liquorice, 
 and near it a phial of rose-water, and powder of 
 tuity. Upon the table lay a pipe filled with betony 
 and colt's-foot, a roll of wax-candle, a silver spit- 
 ting-pot, and a Seville orange. The lady was placed 
 in a large wicker chair, and her feet wrapped up in 
 flannel, supported by cushions ; and in this attitude, 
 would you believe it, Isaac, was she reading a ro- 
 mance with spectacles on. The first compliments 
 over, as she was industriously endeavouring to enter 
 upon conversation, a violent fit of coughing seized 
 her. This awaked Shock, and in a trice the whole 
 room was in an uproar; for the dog barked, the 
 squirrel squealed, the monkey chattered, the parrot 
 screamed, and Ursula, to appease them, was more 
 clamorous than all the rest. You, Isaac, who 
 know how any harsh noise affects my head, may 
 guess what I suffered from the hideous din of these 
 discordant sounds. At length all was appeased, 
 and quiet restored : a chair was drawn for me ;
 
 NO 266. TATLER. 263 
 
 where I was no sooner seated, but the "parrot fixed 
 his horny beak, as sharp as a pair of sheers, in one 
 of my heels, just above the shoe. I sprung from 
 the place with an unusual agility, and so, being 
 within the monkey's reach, he snatches off my new 
 bob-wig, and throws it upon two apples that were 
 roasting by a sullen sea-coal fire. I was nimble 
 enough to save it from any further damage than 
 singing the fore-top. I put it on ; and composing 
 myself as well as I could, I drew my chair towards 
 the other side of the chimney. The good lady, as 
 soon as she had recovered breath, employed it in 
 making a thousand apologies, and, with great elo- 
 quence, and a numerous train of words, lamented 
 my misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I 
 felt something scratching near my knee, and feeling 
 what it should be, found the squirrel had got into my 
 coat-pocket. As I endeavoured to remove him 
 from his burrow, he made his teeth meet through 
 the fleshy part of my forefinger. This gave me 
 an unexpressible pain. The Hungary water was im- 
 mediately brought to bathe it, and gold-beaters skiu 
 applied to stop the blood. The lady renewed her 
 excuses ; but, being now out of all patience, 1 
 abruptly took my leave, and hobbling down stairs 
 with heedless haste, I set my foot full in a pail of 
 water, and down we came to the bottom together." 
 Here my friend concluded his narrative, and, with a 
 composed countenance, I began to make him com- 
 pliments of codolence; but he started from his 
 chair, and said, " Isaac, you may spare your 
 speeches, I expect no reply. When I told you 
 this, I knew you would laugh at me ; but the next 
 woman that makes me ridiculous, shall be a young 
 one."
 
 TATLER. NO 267. 
 
 267. SATURDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1710. 
 
 Qui genus humanum ingenio superavit, el omnes 
 Restinxit Stellas, exortus uti aerius sol. 
 
 LLCR. iii. 1056. 
 
 His genius quite obscurM the brightest ray 
 Of human thought, as Sol's effulgent beams 
 At morn's approach, extinguish all the stars. 
 
 R. WYNNE. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 22. 
 
 I HAVE heard that it is a rule among the conventuals 
 of several orders in the Romish church to shut them- 
 selves up at a certain time of the year, not only 
 from the world in general, but from the members of 
 their own fraternity ; and to pass away several days 
 by themselves in settling accounts between their 
 Maker and their own souls, in cancelling unrepented 
 crimes, and renewing their contracts of obedience 
 for the future. Such stated times for particular acts 
 of devotion, or the exercise of certain religious 
 duties, have been enjoined in all civil governments, 
 whatever deity they worshipped, or whatever re- 
 ligion they professed. That which may be done at 
 all times, is often totally neglected and forgotten, 
 unless fixed and determined to some time more than 
 another ; and therefore, though several duties may 
 be suitable to every day of our lives, they are most 
 likely to be performed, if some days are more par- 
 ticularly set apart for the practice of them. Our 
 church has accordingly instituted several seasons of
 
 NO 267. TATLER. 265 
 
 devotion, when time, custom, prescription, and, if 
 I may so say, the fashion itself, call upon a man to 
 be serious, and attentive to the great end of his 
 being. 
 
 I have hinted in some former Papers, that the 
 greatest and wisest of men in all ages and countries, 
 particularly in Rome and Greece, were renowned for 
 their piety and virtue. It is now my intention to 
 shew, how those in our own nation, that have been 
 unquestionably the most eminent for learning and 
 knowledge, were likewise the most eminent for their 
 adherence to the religion of their country. 
 
 I might produce very shining examples from 
 among the clergy ; but because priest-craft is the 
 common cry of every cavilling, empty scribbler, I 
 shall shew that all the laymen who have exerted a 
 more than ordinary genius in their writings, and 
 were the glory of their times, were men whose hopes 
 were filled with immortality, and the prospect of fu- 
 ture rewards, and men who lived in a dutiful submis- 
 sion to all the doctrines of revealed religion. 
 
 I shall, in this Paper, only instance Sir Francis 
 Bacon, a man who, for greatness of genius, and 
 compass of knowledge, did honour to his age and 
 country ; I could almost say to human nature itself. 
 He possessed at once all those extraordinary talents, 
 which were divided amongst the greatest authors of 
 antiquity. He had the sound, distinct, comprehen- 
 sive knowledge of Aristotle, with all the beautiful 
 lights, graces, and embellishments of Cicero. One 
 does not know which to admire most in his writings, 
 the strength of reason, force of style, or brightness 
 of imagination. 
 
 This author has remarked in several parts of his 
 works, that a thorough insight into philosophy makes 
 a good believer, and that a smattering in it naturally 
 
 VOL. v. A A
 
 266 TATLER. N 267- 
 
 produces such a race of despicable infidels as the little 
 profligate writers of the present age, whom, I must 
 confess, I have always accused to myself, not so 
 much for their want of faith as their want of learning. 
 
 I was infinitely pleased to find, among the works 
 of this extraordinary man, a prayer of his own com- 
 posing, which, for the elevation of thought, and 
 greatness of expression, seems rather the devotion of 
 an angel than a man. His principal fault seems to 
 have been the excess of that virtue which covers a 
 multitude of faults. This betrayed him to so great 
 an indulgence towards his servants who made a cor- 
 rupt use of it, that it stripped him of all those riches 
 and honours which a long series of merits had heaped 
 upon him. But in this prayer, at the same time that 
 we find him prostrating himself before the great 
 mercy-seat, and humbled under afflictions, which at 
 that time lay heavy upon him, we see him supported 
 by the sense of his integrity, his zeal, his devo- 
 tion, and his love to mankind ; which give him a 
 much higher figure in the minds of thinking men, 
 than that greatness had done from which he was 
 fallen. I shall beg leave to write down the prayer 
 itself, with the title to it, as it was found amongst his 
 lordship's papers, written in his own hand ; not being 
 able to furnish my readers with an entertainment 
 more suitable to this solemn time *. 
 
 A Prayer, or Psalm, made by my lord BACON, 
 Chancellor of England. 
 
 " Most gracious Lord God, my merciful Father ; 
 from my youth up my Creator, my Redeemer, my 
 Comforter. Thou, O Lord, soundest and searches! 
 the depths and secrets of all hearts ; thou acknow- 
 
 * The approach of Christmas.
 
 NO 267- TATLER. 267 
 
 ledgest the upright of heart ; thou judgest the hypo- 
 crite ; thou ponderest men's thoughts and doings as 
 in a balance ; thou measurest their intentions as with 
 a line ; vanity and crooked ways cannot be hid from 
 thee. 
 
 " Remember, O Lord! how thy servant hath 
 walked before thee ; remember what I have first 
 sought, and what hath been principal in my inten- 
 tions. I have loved thy assemblies, I have mourned 
 for the divisions of thy church, I have delighted in 
 the brightness of thy sanctuary. This vine, which 
 thy right hand hath planted in this nation, I have 
 ever prayed unto thee that it might have the first 
 and the latter rain, and that it might stretch her 
 branches to the seas and to the floods. The state 
 and bread of the poor and oppressed have been pre- 
 cious in mine eyes ; I have hated all cruelty and 
 hardness of heart ; I have, though in a despised 
 weed, procured the good of all men. If any have 
 been my enemies, I thought not of them, neither hath 
 the sun almost set upon my displeasure ; but I have 
 been, as a dove, free from superfluity of malicious- 
 ness. Thy creatures have been my books, but thy 
 scriptures much more. I have sought thee in the 
 courts, fields, and gardens ; but I have found thee 
 in thy temples. 
 
 " Thousands have been my sins, and ten thousands 
 my transgressions, but thy sanctifications have re- 
 mained with me, and my heart, through thy grace, 
 hath been an unquenched coal upon thine altar. 
 
 " O Lord, my strength ! I have since my youth 
 met with thee in all my ways, by thy fatherly com- 
 passions, by thy comfortable chastisements, and by 
 thy most visible providence. As thy favours have 
 increased upon me, so have thy corrections, so as 
 thou hast been always near me, O Lord ! and ever 
 as my worldly blessings were exalted, so secret darts
 
 268 TATLER. NO 267. 
 
 from thee have pierced me ; and when I have 
 ascended before men, I have descended in humilia- 
 tion before thee. And now, when I thought most 
 of peace and honour, thy hand is heavy upon me, 
 and hath humbled me according to thy former loving 
 kindness, keeping me still in thy fatherly school, not 
 as a bastard, but as a child. Just are thy judg- 
 ments upon me for my sins, which are more in num- 
 ber than the sands of the sea, but have no propor- 
 tion to thy mercies ; for what are the sands of the 
 sea ? Earth, heavens, and all these, are nothing to 
 thy mercies. Besides my innumerable sins, I con- 
 fess before thee, that I am debtor to thee for the 
 gracious talent of thy gifts and graces, which I have 
 neither put into a napkin, nor put it as I ought, to 
 exchangers, where it might have made best profit, 
 but mispent it in things for which I was least fit ; so 
 I may truly say, my soul hath been a stranger in the 
 course of my pilgrimage. Be merciful unto me, O 
 Lord, for my Saviour's sake, and receive me unto 
 thy bosom, or guide me in thy ways."
 
 NO 268. TATLER. 269 
 
 268. TUESDAY, DECEMBER '26, 1710. 
 
 O te, Bolant, cerebri 
 
 Felicem ! aiebam tacitvs, cum quidlibet ille 
 
 Garriret. HoR.l Sat. ix. II. 
 
 I thus in muttering silence fretted ; 
 
 " Bolanus, happy in a scull 
 
 " Of proof, impenetrably dull, 
 
 " O for a portion of thy brains!" FRANCIS, 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 25. 
 
 AT my coming home, last night, I found upon my 
 table the following petition or project, sent me from 
 Lloyd's coffee-house in the city, with a present of 
 Port-wine, which had been bought at a late auction 
 held in that place. 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire, Censor of 
 GREAT BRITAIN. 
 
 " Lloyd's Coffee-house, Lombard-street, Dec. 23. 
 " We, the customers of this coffee-house, ob- 
 serving that you have taken into your consideration 
 the great mischiefs daily done in this city by coffee- 
 house orators, do humbly beg leave to represent to 
 you, that this coffee-house being provided with a 
 pulpit for the benefit of such auctions that are fre- 
 quently made in this place, it is our custom, upon 
 the first coming in of the news, to order a youth, 
 who officiates as the Kidney of the coffee-house, to 
 get into the pulpit, and read every paper with a 
 loud and distinct voice, while the whole audience 
 are sipping their respective liquors. We do there- 
 
 A A 2
 
 270 TATLER. NO 268. 
 
 fore, Sir, humbly propose, that there be a pulpit 
 erected within every coffee-house of this city and 
 the adjacent parts ; that one of the waiters of the 
 coffee-house be nominated as reader to the said 
 pulpit : that after the news of the day has been pub- 
 lished by the said lecturer, some politician of good 
 note do ascend into the said pulpit; and, after 
 having chosen for his text any article of the said 
 news, that he do establish the authority of such 
 article, clear the doubts that may arise thereupon, 
 compare it with parallel texts in other papers, ad- 
 vance upon it wholesome points of doctrine, and 
 draw from it salutary conclusions for the benefit and 
 edification of all that hear him. We do likewise 
 humbly propose, that, upon any such politician's 
 quitting the pulpit, he shall be succeeded by any 
 other orator that finds himself moved by the same 
 public spirit, who shall be at full liberty either to 
 enforce or overthrow what the other has said before 
 him, and may, in the same manner, be succeeded 
 by any other politician, who shall, with the same 
 liberty, confirm or impugn his reasons, strengthen 
 or invalidate his conjectures, enlarge upon his 
 schemes, or erect new ones of his own. We do 
 likewise further propose, that if any person, of what 
 age and rank soever, do presume to cavil at any 
 Paper that has been read, or to hold forth upon it 
 longer than the space of one minute, that he be im- 
 mediately ordered up into the pulpit, there to make 
 good any thing that he has suggested upon the floor. 
 We do likewise further propose, that if any one 
 plays the orator in the ordinary coffee-house con- 
 versation, whether it be upon peace or war, on 
 plays or sermons, business or poetry, that he be 
 forthwith desired to take his place in the pulpit. 
 This, Sir, we humbly presume, may in a great mea- 
 sure put a stop to those superficial statesmen, who
 
 NO 268. TAtLER. 271 
 
 would not dare to stand up in this manner before a 
 whole congregation of politicians, notwithstanding 
 the long and tedious harangues and dissertations 
 which they daily utter in private circles, to the 
 breaking of many honest tradesmen, the seducing 
 of several eminent citizens, the making of numberless 
 malcontents, and to the great detriment and disquiet 
 of her majesty's subjects." 
 
 I do heartily concur with my ingenious friends of 
 the above-mentioned coffee-house in these their pro- 
 posals ; and because I apprehend there may be rea- 
 sons to put an immediate stop to the grievance com- 
 plained of, it is my intention, that, until such time 
 as the aforesaid pulpits can be erected, every orator 
 do place himself within the bar, and from thence 
 dictate whatsoever he shall think necessary for tfye 
 public good. 
 
 And further, because I am very desirous that 
 proper ways and means should be found out for the 
 suppressing of story-tellers andjine talkers in all or- 
 dinary conversations whatsoever, I do insist, that 
 in every private club, company, or meeting over a 
 bottle, there be always an elbow-chair placed at the 
 table ; and that as soon as any one begins a long 
 story, or extends his discourse beyond the space of 
 one minute, he be forthwith thrust into the said 
 elbow-chair, unless upon any of the company's call- 
 ing out, " to the chair," he breaks off abruptly, and 
 holds his tongue. 
 
 There are two species of men, notwithstanding 
 any thing that has been here said, whom I would 
 exempt from the disgrace of the elbow-chair. The 
 first are those buffoons that have a talent of mi- 
 micking the speech and behaviour of other persons, 
 and turning all their patrons, friends, and acquaint- 
 ance, into ridicule. I look upon your Pantomime as 
 a legion in a man, or at least to be, like Virgil's
 
 TATLER. NO 268. 
 
 monster, " with an hundred mouths, and as many 
 tongues." 
 
 Lingu<e centum stint, oraquce centum ; 
 
 and, therefore, would give him as much time to talk 
 in, as would be allowed to the whole body of persons 
 he represents, were they actually in the company 
 which they divert by proxy. Provided, however, 
 that the said Pantomime do not, upon any pretence 
 whatsoever, utter any thing in his own particular 
 opinion, language, or character. 
 
 I would likewise, in the second place, grant an 
 exemption from the elbow-chair to any person who 
 treats the company, and by that means may be sup- 
 posed to pay for his audience. A guest cannot take 
 it ill, if he be not allowed to talk in his turn by a 
 person who puts his mouth to a better employment, 
 and stops it with good beef and mutton. In this 
 case the guest is very agreeably silenced, and seems 
 to hold his tongue under that kind of bribery which 
 the antients called bos in lingua *. 
 
 If I can once extirpate the race of solid and sub- 
 stantial humdrums, I hope, by my wholesome and 
 repeated advices, quickly to reduce the insignificant 
 tittle-tattles, and matter-of-fact-men, that abound in 
 every quarter of this great city. 
 
 Epictetus, in his little system of morality, pre- 
 scribes the following rule, with that beautiful sim- 
 plicity which shines through all his precepts : " Be- 
 ware that thou never tell thy dreams in company ; 
 for, notwithstanding thou mayest take a pleasure in 
 telling thy dreams, the company will take no plea- 
 sure in hearing them." 
 
 * An allusion to the image of a bull, ox, or cow, sta/nped 
 upon the money then, and there in current use, whence the 
 coin was then called bos.
 
 NO 268. TATLER. v 273 
 
 This rule is conformable to a maxim which I have 
 laid down in a late Paper, and must always inculcate 
 into those of my readers who find in themselves an 
 inclination to be very talkative and impertinent, " that 
 they should not speak to please themselves, but those 
 that hear them." 
 
 It has been often observed by witty essay -writers, 
 that the deepest waters are always the most silent ; 
 that empty vessels make the greatest sound; and 
 tinkling cymbals the worst music. The marquis of 
 Halifax, in his admirable " Advice to a Daughter," 
 tells her, " that good sense has always something 
 sullen in it :" but as sullenness does not imply 
 silence, but an ill-natured silence, I wish his lord- 
 ship had given a softer name to it. Since I am en- 
 gaged unawares in quotations, I must not omit the 
 satire which Horace has written against this imper- 
 tinent talkative companion ; and which, I think, is 
 fuller of humour than any other satire he has writ- 
 ten. This great author, who had the nicest taste of 
 conversation, and was himself a most agreeable 
 companion, had so strong an antipathy to a great 
 talker, that he was afraid, some time or other, it 
 would be mortal to him ; as he has very humour- 
 ously described it in his conversation with an imper- 
 tinent fellow, who had like to have been the death 
 of him. 
 
 Interpellandi locus hie erat ! Est tibi mater, 
 
 Cognati, queis te salvo est opus ? Hand mihi qutsquam. 
 
 Omnes compomi. Felices ! nunc ego resto ; 
 
 Confice ; namque instat fatum mihi triste, Sabella 
 
 Quod puero cecinit divina moid anus urnd. 
 
 Hunc neque dira venena, nee hosticus auferet ensis, 
 
 Nee laterum dolor, aut tussis, nee tarda podagra. 
 
 Garrulus hunc quando consumet cunque ; loquaces 
 
 Si sapiat, vitet, simul utque adoleverit atas. 
 
 HOR. 1 Sat. ix. 26.
 
 274 TATLER. NO 269, 
 
 Have you no mother, sister, friends, 
 Whose welfare on your health depends ? 
 " Not one ; I saw them all by turns 
 " Securely settled in their urns." 
 Thrice happy they, secure from pain ! 
 And I the victim now remain ; 
 Dispatch me ; for my goody nurse 
 Early presag'd this heavy curse. 
 She conn'd it by the sieve and shears, 
 And now it falls upon my ears 
 
 ' Nor poison fell, with ruin stor'd, 
 
 ' Nor horrid point of hostile sword, 
 
 ' Nor pleurisy, nor asthma cough, 
 
 ' Nor cripple-gout shall cut him off; 
 
 ' A noisy tongue and babbling breath 
 
 ' Shall teaze, and talk my child to death. 
 
 ' Let him avoid, as he would hanging, 
 
 ' Your folks long-winded in haranguing," 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 N 269. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 171O. 
 
 Ha> nufftf seria ducunt 
 
 In mala HOR. Ars Poet. 4. 
 
 Trifles such as these 
 
 To serious mischiefs lead FRANCIS. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 27. 
 
 I FIND my correspondents are universally offended 
 at me for taking notice so seldom of their letters, 
 and I fear people have taken the advantage of my 
 silence to go on in their errors ; for which reason I 
 shall hereafter be more careful to answer all lawful
 
 N 269. TATLBR. 2? 5 
 
 questions and just complaints, as soon as they come 
 to my hands. The two following epistles relate to 
 very great mischiefs in the most important articles of 
 life, Jove and friendship. 
 
 " Dorsetshire, Dec. 20. 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " It is my misfortune to be enamoured of a lady 
 that is neither very beautiful, very witty, nor at all 
 well-natured ; but has the vanity to think she excels 
 in all these qualifications, and therefore is cruel, 
 insolent, and scornful. When I study to please her, 
 she treats me with the utmost rudeness and ill- 
 manners : if I approach her person, she fights, she 
 scratches me : if I offer a civil salute, she bites me ; 
 insomuch, that very lately, before a whole assembly 
 of ladies and gentlemen, she ripped out a consider- 
 able part of my left cheek. This is no sooner 
 done, but she begs my pardon in the most hand- 
 some and becoming terms imaginable, gives her 
 self worse language than I could find in my heart to 
 do, lets me embrace her to pacify her while she is 
 railing at herself, protests she deserves the esteem 
 of no one living, says I am too good to contradict 
 her when she thus accuses herself. This atones for 
 all ; tempts me to renew my addresses, which are 
 ever returned in the same obliging manner. Thus, 
 without some speedy relief, I am in danger of losing 
 my whole face. Notwithstanding all this, I doat 
 upon her, and am satisfied she loves me, because 
 she takes me for a man of sense, which I have been 
 generally thought, except in this one instance. 
 Your reflections upon this strange amour would be 
 very useful in these parts, where we are over-run 
 with wild beauties and romps. I earnestly beg your 
 assistance, either to deliver me from the power of
 
 276 TATLER. NO 269. 
 
 this unaccountable enchantment, or, by some proper 
 animadversions, to civilize the behaviour of this 
 agreeable rustic. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 
 Your most humble servant, 
 
 EBENEZER." 
 
 " MR. BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " I now take leave to address you in your cha- 
 racter of Censor, and complain to you, that among 
 the various errors in conversation which you have 
 corrected, there is one which, though it has not 
 escaped a general reproof, yet seems to deserve a 
 more particular severity. It is an humour of jesting 
 on disagreeable subjects^ and insisting on the jest, 
 the more it creates uneasiness ; and this some men 
 think they have a title to do as friends. Is the de- 
 sign of jesting to provoke? or does friendship give 
 a privilege to say things with a design to shock? 
 How can that be called a jest which has nothing in 
 it but bitterness ? It is generally allowed necessary, 
 for the peace of company, that men should a little 
 study the tempers of each other ; but certainly that 
 must be in order to shun what is offensive, not to 
 make it a constant entertainment. The frequent 
 repetition of what appears harsh, will unavoidably 
 leave a rancour that is fatal to friendship; and I 
 doubt much whether it would be an argument of a 
 man's good humour, if he should be rouzed by per- 
 petual teazing, to treat those who do it as his ene- 
 mies. In a word, whereas it is a common practice 
 ta let a story die, merely because it does not touch, 
 I think such as mention one they find does, are as 
 troublesome to society, and as unfit for it, as wags, 
 men of figure, good talkers, or any other apes in 
 conversation ; and therefore, for the public benefit,
 
 NO 269. TATLER. 277 
 
 I hope you will cause them to be branded with such 
 a name as they deserve. 
 
 I am, Sir, yours, 
 
 PATIENT FRIENDLY." 
 
 The case of Ebenezer is a very common one, and 
 is always cured by neglect. These fantastical returns 
 of affection proceed from a certain vanity in the 
 other sex, supported by a perverted taste in ours. 
 I must publish it as a rule, that no faults which pro- 
 ceed from the will, either in a mistress or a friend, 
 are to be tolerated : but we should be so complaisant 
 to ladies, as to let them displease when they aim at 
 doing it. Pluck up a spirit, Ebenezer ; recover the 
 use of your judgment, and her faults will appear, 
 or her beauties vanish. " Her faults begin to please 
 me as well as my own," is a sentence very prettily 
 put into the mouth of a lover by the comic poet * : 
 but he never designed it for a maxim of life, but the 
 picture of an imperfection. If Ebenezer takes my 
 advice, the same temper which made her insolent 
 to his love, will make her submissive to his indif- 
 ference. 
 
 I cannot wholly ascribe the faults mentioned in 
 the second letter, to the same vanity or pride in 
 companions who secretly triumph over their friends, 
 in being sharp upon them in things where they are 
 most tender. But when this sort of behaviour does 
 not proceed from that source, it does from barren- 
 ness of invention, and an inability to support a con- 
 versation in a way less offensive. It is the same po- 
 verty which makes men speak or write smuttily, 
 that forces them to talk vexingly. As obscene lan- 
 guage is an address to the lewd for applause, so are 
 
 * Congreve ; 8e " The Way of the World," act i. sc. 3. 
 VOL. v. B B
 
 278 TATLER. NO 270. 
 
 sharp allusions an appeal to the ill-natured. But 
 mean and illiterate is that conversation, where one 
 man exercises his wit to make another exercise his 
 patience. 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 *** Whereas Plagius has been told again and 
 again, both in public and in private, that he preaches 
 excellently well, and still goes on to preach as well 
 as ever, and all this to a polite and learned au- 
 dience : this is to desire, that he would not hereafter 
 be so eloquent, except to a country congregation ; 
 the proprietors of Tillotson's Works having consulted 
 the learned in the law, whether preaching a sermon 
 they have published, is not to be construed publish- 
 ing their copy ? 
 
 Mr. Dogood is desired to consider, that his story 
 is severe upon a weakness, and not a folly. 
 
 N 270. SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1710. 
 
 Cum pulchris tunicis sumet nova consilia et spes. 
 
 HOR. 1 Ep. xviii. 33. 
 
 In gay attire when the vain coxcomb 's drest, 
 Strange hopes and projects fill his labouring breast. 
 
 From my own Apartment, December 29. 
 
 ACCORDING to my late resolution, I take the holi- 
 days to be no improper season to entertain the town 
 with the addresses of my correspondents. In my
 
 >270. TATLER. 279 
 
 walks every day there appear all round me very 
 great offenders in the point of dress. An armed 
 taylor had the impudence yesterday in the Park to 
 smile in my face, and pull off a laced hat to me, as 
 it were in contempt of my authority and censure. 
 However, it is a very great satisfaction that other 
 people, as well as myself, are offended with these 
 improprieties. The following notices, from persons 
 of different sexes and qualities, are a sufficient 
 instance how useful my Lucubrations are to the 
 public. 
 
 " Jack's Coffee-hcuse, near Guildhall, Dec. 27- 
 
 " COUSIN BICKERSTAFF, 
 
 " It has been the peculiar blessing of our family 
 to be always above the smiles or frowns of fortune, 
 and, by a certain greatness of mind, to restrain all 
 irregular fondnesses or passions. From hence it is, 
 that though a long decay, and a numerous descent, 
 have obliged many of our house to fall into the arts 
 of trade and business, no one person of us has ever 
 made an appearance that betrayed our being unsatis- 
 fied with our own station of life, or has ever affected 
 a mien or gesture unsuitable to it. 
 
 " You have, up and down in your writings, very 
 justly remarked, that it is not this or the other pro- 
 fession or quality among men that gives us honour or 
 esteem, but the wll or ill behaving ourselves in 
 those characters. It is, therefore, with no small 
 concern, that I behold in coffee-houses and public 
 places my brethren, the tradesmen of this city, put 
 off the smooth, even, and antient decorum of thriving 
 citizens for a fantastical dress and figure improper for 
 their persons and characters, to the utter destruction 
 of that order and distinction, which of right ought 
 to be between St. James's and Milk-street, the Camp 
 and Cheapside.
 
 $80 TATLER. N* 2TO. 
 
 " I have given myself some time to find out how- 
 distinguishing the frays in a lot of muslins, or draw- 
 ing up a regiment of thread laces, or making a pa- 
 negyric on pieces of sagathy or Scotch plaid, should 
 entitle a man to a laced hat or sword, a wig tied up 
 with ribbands, or an embroidered coat. The col- 
 lege say, this enormity proceeds from a sort of de- 
 lirium in the brain, which makes it break out first 
 about the head, and, for want of timely remedies, 
 fall upon the left thigh, and from thence, in little 
 mazes and windings, run over the whole body, as 
 appears by pretty ornaments on the buttons, button- 
 holes, garterings, sides of the breeches, and the like. 
 I beg the favour of you to give us a discourse wholly 
 upon the subject of habits, which will contribute to 
 the better government of conversation among us, 
 and in particular oblige, Sir, 
 
 Your affectionate cousin, 
 
 FELIX TRANQUILLUS." 
 
 " To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire, Censor of 
 GREAT BRITAIN. 
 
 " The humble Petition of RALPH NAB, Haber- 
 dasher of Hats, and many other poor Sufferers of 
 the same Trade, 
 
 " Sheweth, 
 
 " That for some years last past the use of gold 
 and silver galloon upon hats has been almost uni- 
 versal ; being undistinguishably worn by soldiers, 
 esquires, lords, footmen, beaux, sportsmen, traders, 
 clerks, prigs, smarts, cullies, pretty fellows, and 
 sharpers. 
 
 " That the said use and custom has been two 
 ways very prejudicial to your petitioners. First, in 
 that it has induced men, to the great damage of 
 your petitioners, to wear their hats upon theic
 
 KO 2?0. TATLBR. 281 
 
 heads; by which means the said hats last much 
 longer whole, than they would do if worn under 
 their arms. Secondly, in that very often a new dress- 
 ing and a new lace supply the place of a new hat, . 
 which grievance we are chiefly sensible of in the 
 spring-time, when the company is leaving the town ; 
 it so happening commonly, that a hat shall frequent, 
 all winter, the finest and best assemblies without 
 any ornament at all, and in May shall be tricked up 
 with gold or silver, to keep company with rustics, 
 and ride in the rain. All which premises your peti- 
 tioners humbly pray you to take into your conside- 
 ration, and either to appoint a day in your Court of 
 Honour, when all pretenders to the galloon may 
 enter their claims, and have them approved or re- 
 jected, or to give us such other relief as to your 
 great wisdom shall seem meet. 
 
 And your petitioners, &c." 
 
 Order my friend near Temple-bar, the author of 
 the hunting-cock, to assist the court when the 
 petition is read, of which Mr. Lillie to give him 
 notice. 
 
 " To, ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esquire, Censor of 
 GREAT BRITAIN. 
 
 " The humble Petition of ELIZABETH SLENDER, 
 Spinster, 
 
 " Sheweth, 
 
 " That on the twentieth of this instant Decem- 
 ber, her friend, Rebecca Hive, and your petitioner, 
 walking in the Strand, saw a gentleman before us 
 in a gown, whose periwig was so long, and so much 
 powdered, that your petitioner took notice of it, 
 and said, ' she wondered that lawyer would so spoil 
 a new gown with powder.' To which it was an- 
 
 BJB2
 
 282 ,TATLER. NO 270. 
 
 swered, ' that he was no lawyer, but a clergyman.' 
 Upon a wager of a pot of coffee we overtook him, 
 and your petitioner was soon convinced she had 
 lost. 
 
 " Your petitioner, therefore, desires your wor- 
 ship to cite the clergyman before you, and to settle 
 and adjust the length of canonical periwigs, and the 
 quantity of powder to be made use of in them, 
 and to give such other directions as you shall 
 think fit. 
 
 And your petitioner, &c." 
 
 Query, Whether this gentleman be not chaplain 
 to a regiment, and, in such case, allow powder ac- 
 cordingly ? 
 
 -After all that can be thought on these subjects, I 
 must confess that the men who dress with a cer- 
 tain ambition to appear more than they are, are 
 much more excusable than those who betray, in the 
 adorning their persons, a secret vanity and inclina- 
 tion to shine in things, wherein, if they did succeed, 
 it would rather lessen than advance their character. 
 For this reason I am more provoked at the alle- 
 gations relating to the clergyman than any other 
 hinted at in these complaints. I have indeed a 
 long time, with much concern, observed abun- 
 dance of pretty fellows in sacred orders, and shall 
 in due time let them know, that I pretend to give 
 ecclesiastical as well as civil censures. A man 
 well-bred and well-dressed in that habit, adds to 
 the sacredness of his function an agreeableness not 
 to be met with among the laity. I own I have 
 spent some evenings among the men of wit of 
 that profession with an inexpressible delight. Their 
 habitual care of their character gives such a chas- 
 tisement to their fancy, that all which they utter
 
 NO 270. TAfLER. 283 
 
 in company is as much above what you meet with 
 in other conversation, as the charms of a modest, 
 are superior to those of a light, woman. I there- 
 fore earnestly desire our young missionaries from 
 the universities to consider where they are, and 
 not dress, and look, and move like young officers. 
 It is no disadvantage to have a very handsome 
 white hand : but, were I to preach repentance to 
 a gallery of ladies, I would, methinks, keep my 
 gloves on. I have an unfeigned affection to the 
 class of mankind appointed to serve at the altar, 
 therefore am in danger of running out of my way, 
 and growing too serious on this occasion ; for which 
 reason I shall end with the following epistle, which, 
 by my interest in Tom Trot, the penny-post, I pro- 
 cured a copy of. 
 
 " To the Rev. Mr. RALPH INCENSE, Chaplain to the 
 Countess Dowager of BRUMPTON. 
 
 " SIR, 
 
 " I heard and saw you preach last Sunday. I am 
 an ignorant young woman, and understood not half 
 you said : but ah ! your manner, when you held up 
 both your hands towards our pew ! Did you design 
 to win me to Heaven or yourself? 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 PENITENCE GENTLE." 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 Mr. Procterstaff, of Clare-hall, in Cambridge, is 
 received as a kinsman, according to his request, 
 bearing date the 20th instant. 
 
 The distressed son of ^Esculapius is desired to.be 
 more particular.
 
 284 TATLER. NO 271. 
 
 N 271. TUESDAY, JANUARY 2, 1710-11. 
 
 THE printer having informed me, that there are 
 as many of these Papers printed as will make four 
 volumes, I am now come to the end of my am- 
 bition in this matter, and have nothing further to 
 say to the world under the character of Isaac Bicker- 
 staff. This work has, indeed, for some time, been 
 disagreeable to me, and the purpose of it wholly 
 lost, by my being so long understood as the author. 
 I never designed in it to give any man any secret 
 wound by my concealment, but spoke in the cha- 
 racter of an old man, a philosopher, an humourist, 
 an astrologer, and a Censor, to allure my reader 
 with the variety of rny subjects, and insinuate, if I 
 could, the weight of reason with the agreeableness 
 of wit. The general purpose of the whole has been 
 to recommend truth, innocence, honour, and virtue, 
 as the chief ornaments of life ; but I considered, that 
 severity of manners was absolutely necessary to him 
 who would censure others, and for that reason, and 
 that only, chose to talk in a mask. I shall not carry 
 my humility so far as to call myself a vicious man, 
 but at the same time must confess, my life is at best 
 but pardonable. And, with no greater character than 
 this, a man would make but an indifferent progress 
 in attacking prevailing and fashionable vices, which 
 Mr. Bickerstaff has done with a freedom of spirit,
 
 N 271. TATLER. 285 
 
 that would have lost both its beauty and efficacy, 
 had it been pretended to by Mr. Steele. 
 
 As to the work itself, the acceptance it has met 
 with is the best proof of its value ; but I should 
 err against that candour, which an honest man 
 should always carry about him, if I did not own, 
 that the most approved pieces in it were written 
 by others, and those which have been most ex- 
 cepted against, by myself. The hand that has as- 
 sisted me in those noble discourses upon the im- 
 mortality of the soul, the glorious prospects of 
 another life, and the most sublime ideas of reli- 
 gion and virtue, is a person who is too fondly my 
 friend ever to own them ; but I should little deserve 
 to be his, if I usurped the glory of them*. I must 
 acknowledge at the same time, that I think the finest 
 strokes of wit and humour in all Mr. Bickerstaff's 
 Lucubrations, are those for which he also is beholden 
 to him. 
 
 As for the satirical part of these writings, those 
 against the gentlemen who profess gaming are the 
 most licentious ; but the main of them I take to 
 come from losing gamesters, as invectives against 
 the fortunate : for in very many of them I was 
 very Httle else but the transcriber. If any have 
 been more particularly marked at, such persons 
 may impute it to their own behaviour, before they 
 were touched upon, in publicly speaking their re- 
 sentment against the author, and professing they 
 would support any man who should insult him, 
 When I mention this subject, I hope major-ge- 
 neral Davenport, brigadier Bisset, and my lord 
 Forbes, will accept of my thanks for their fre- 
 quent good offices, in professing their readiness to 
 
 * Aildison was the assistant here alluded to.
 
 286 TATLER. NO 271. 
 
 partake any danger that should befal me in so just 
 an undertaking, as the endeavour to banish fraud 
 and cozenage from the presence and conversation of 
 gentlemen. 
 
 But what I find is the least excusable part of all 
 this work is, that I have, in some places in it, 
 touched upon matters which concern both Church 
 and State. All I shall say for this is, that the 
 points I alluded to, are such as concerned every 
 Christian and freeholder in England; and I could 
 not be cold enough to conceal my opinion on sub- 
 jects which related to either of those characters. But 
 politics apart. 
 
 I must confess it has been a most exquisite plea- 
 sure to me to frame characters of domestic life, 
 and put those parts of it which are least observed 
 into an agreeable view ; to inquire into the seeds of 
 vanity and affectation, to lay before the readers 
 the emptiness of ambition : in a word, to trace hu- 
 man life through all its mazes and recesses, and show 
 much shorter methods than men ordinarily practise, 
 to be happy, agreeable, and great. 
 
 But to inquire into men's faults and weaknesses 
 has something in it so unwelcome, that I have often 
 seen people in pain to act before me, whose modesty 
 only makes them think themselves liable to censure. 
 This, and a thousand other nameless things, have 
 made it an irksome task to me to personate Mr. 
 Bickerstaff any longer ; and I believe it does not 
 often happen that the reader is delighted where the 
 author is displeased. 
 
 All I can now do for the further gratification 
 of the town, is to give them a faithful explication 
 of passages and allusions, and sometimes of persons 
 intended in the several scattered parts of the work. 
 At the same time, I shall discover which of the 
 whole have ben written by me, and which by
 
 N 0< 2?1. TATLBR. 287 
 
 others, and by whom, as far as I am able, or per- 
 mitted *. 
 
 Thus I have voluntarily done, what I think all 
 authors should do' when called upon. I have pub- 
 lished my name to my writings, and given myself up 
 to the mercy of the town, as Shakespeare expresses 
 it, " with all my imperfections on my head." The 
 indulgent reader's most obliged, most obedient, 
 humble servant, 
 
 RICHARD STEELE. 
 
 * This is done in the original preface to the fourth volume 
 of the Tatler; printed at the beginning of the first volume of 
 the present edition. 
 
 END OF THE FIFTH VOLUME
 
 Printed by Nichols, Son, and Bentley, 
 Red Lion Passage, Fleet Street, London.
 
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