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 HUMPHRY CLINKER 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
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 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
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 Humphry CtiNKER .... Frontispiece 
 
 DuTTON AND Mr3. JenKINS HoOTED IN THE 
 
 Street . • , . , Face page 41 
 
 LiSMAUAGO AND THE FiR£ . . . Face f age 162 
 
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 THE EXPEDITION 
 
 HUMPHRY CLINKER 
 
 To Dr.. Lewis. 
 
 I HAVE not found all the benefit I expected at Scar- 
 borough, where I have been these eight days. From 
 ITarrowgate we came hither by the way of York, 
 where we stayed only one day, to visit the castle, the 
 minster, and the assembly-room. The first, which 
 was heretofore a fortress, is now converted into a 
 prison, and is the best, in all respects, I ever saw at 
 home or abroad. It stands in a high situation, ex- 
 tremely well ventilated, and has a spacious area within 
 the walls for the health and convenience of all the 
 prisoners, except those whom it is necessary to secure 
 in close confinement. Even these last have all the 
 comforts that the nature of their situation can admit of. 
 Here the assizes are held, in a range of buildings 
 erected for that purpose. 
 
 As for the minster, I know not how to distinguish 
 it, except by its great size, and the height of its spire, 
 from those other ancient churches in different parts of 
 11.— I
 
 2 Humphry Clinker 
 
 the kingdom, which used to be called monuments of 
 Gothic architecture ; but it is now agreed that this 
 style is Saracen rather than Gothic, and, I suppose, it 
 was first imported into England from Spain, great part 
 of which was under the dominion of the Moors. 
 Those British architects who adopted this style don't 
 seem to have considered the propriety of their adoption. 
 The climate of the country possessed by the Moors or 
 Saracens, both in Africa and Spain, was so exceedingly 
 hot and dry, that those who built places of worship for 
 the multitude employed their talents in contriving edi- 
 fices that should be cool ; and for this purpose nothing 
 could be better adapted than those buildings, vast, 
 narrow, dark, and lofty, impervious to the sunbeams, 
 and having little communication with the scorched ex- 
 ternal atmosphere, but ever affording a refreshing cool- 
 ness, like subterranean cellars in the heats of summer, 
 or natural caverns in the bowels of huge mountains. 
 But nothing could be more preposterous than to imitate 
 such a mode of architecture in a country like England, 
 where the climate is cold, and the air eternally loaded 
 with vapours, and where, of consequence, the builder's 
 intention should be to keep the people dry and warm. 
 
 For my part, I never entered the abbey church at 
 Bath but once, and the moment I stepped over the 
 threshold, I found myself chilled to the very marrow 
 of my bones. When we consider, that, in our churches 
 in general, we breathe a gross stagnated air, surcharged 
 with damps from vaults, tombs, and charnel-houses, 
 may we not term them so many magazlhes of rheums, 
 created for the benefit of the medical faculty, and 
 safely aver that more bodies are lost than souls saved 
 by going to church, in the winter especially, which 
 may be said to engross eight months in the year. I 
 should be glad to know what offence it would give to 
 tender consciences, if the house of God was made
 
 Church Architecture 3 
 
 more comfortable, or less dangerous to the health of 
 valetud inarians ; and whether it would not be an en- 
 couragement to piety, as well as the salvation of many 
 lives, if the place of worship was well-floored, wain- 
 scoted, warmed, and ventilated, and its area kept 
 sacred from the pollution of the dead. The practice 
 of burying in churches was the effect of ignorant super- 
 stition, influenced by knavish priests, who pretended 
 that the devil could have no power over the defunct if 
 he was interred in holy ground ; and this indeed is the 
 only reason that can be given for XQ^secrating all 
 cemeteries even at this day. 
 
 The external appearance of an old cathedral cannot 
 be but displeasing to the eye of every man who has any 
 idea of propriety or proportion, even though he may be 
 ignorant of architecture as a science ; and the long 
 slender spire puts one in mind of a criminal impaled, 
 with a sharp stake rising up through his shoulder. 
 These towers, or steeples, were likewise borrowed from 
 the Mahometans, who, having no bells, used such 
 minarets for the purpose of calling the people to prayers. 
 They may be of farther use, however, for making 
 observations and signals, but I would vote for their 
 being distinct from the body of the church, because 
 they serve only to make the pile more barbarous, or 
 Saracenical. 
 
 There is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the 
 assembly-room, which seems to me to have been built 
 upon a design of Palladio, and might be converted into 
 an elegant place of worship ; but it is indifferently con- 
 trived for that sort of idolatry which is performed in it 
 at present. The grandeur of the fane gives a diminu- 
 tive effect to the little painted divinities that are adored 
 in it, and the company, on a ball-night, must look like 
 an assembly of fantastic fairies, revelling by moonlight 
 among the columns of a Grecian temple.
 
 V 
 
 4 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Scarborough seems to be falling off in point of repu- 
 tation. All these places (Bath excepted) have theii 
 vogue, and then the fashion changes. I am persuaded 
 there are fifty spas in England as efficacious and salu- 
 tary as that of Scarborough, though they have not yet 
 risen to fame, and perhaps never will, unless some 
 medical encomiast should find an interest in displaying 
 their virtues to the public view. Be that as it may, 
 recourse will always be had to this place for the con- 
 venience of sea-bathing, while this practice prevails ; 
 but it were to be wished they would make the beach 
 more accessible to invalids. 
 
 I have here met with an old acquaintance, H — t, 
 whom you have often heard me mention as one of the 
 most original characters upon earth. I first knew him 
 at Venice, and afterwards saw him in different parts of 
 Italy, where he was well known by the nickname ot 
 Cavallo Bianco, from his appearing always mounted 
 on a pale horse, like Death in the Revelation. You 
 must remember the account I once gave you of a 
 curious dispute he had at Constantinople, with a couple 
 of Turks, in defence of the Christian religion ; a dis- 
 pute from which he acquired the epithet of Demon- 
 strator. The truth is, H — t owns no religion but 
 that of nature ; but, on this occasion, he was stimulated 
 to show his parts, for the honour of his country. 
 Some years ago, being in the Campidoglio at Rome, 
 he made up to the bust of Jupiter, and bowing very low, 
 exclaimed in the Italian language, " I hope, sir, if ever 
 you get your head above water again, you will remember 
 that I paid my respects to you in your adversity." This 
 sally was reported to the Cardinal Camerlengo, and by 
 him laid before Pope Benedict xiv., who could not 
 help laughing at the extravagance of the address, and 
 said to the cardinal, "Those English heretics think 
 they have a right to go to the devil in their own way."
 
 An Odd Character 5 
 
 Indeed, H — t was the only Englishman I ever 
 knew who had resolution enough to live in his own 
 way in the midst of foreigners ; for, neither in dress, 
 diet, customs, or conversation, did he deviate one tittle 
 from the manner in which he had been brought up. 
 About twelve years ago, he began a giro, or circuit, 
 which he thus performed. At Naples, where he fixed 
 his headquarters, he embarked for Marseilles, from 
 whence he travelled with a voiturin to Antibes. There 
 he took his passage to Genoa and Lerici ; from which 
 last place he proceeded, by the way of Cambratina, to 
 Pisa and Florence. After having halted some time in 
 this metropolis, he set out with a vetturino for Rome, 
 where he reposed himself a few weeks, and then con- 
 tinued his route to Naples, in order to wait for the 
 next opportunity of embarkation. After having twelve 
 times described this circle, he lately flew off at a tan- 
 gent to visit some trees at his country-house in England, 
 which he had planted above twenty years ago, after the 
 plan of the double colonnade in the piazza of St. 
 Peter's at Rome. He came hither to Scarborough to 
 pay his respects to his noble friend and former pupil, 
 
 tlie M of G , and, forgetting that he is now 
 
 turned of seventy, sacrificed so liberally to Bacchus, 
 that next day he was seized with a fit of the apoplexy, 
 which has a little impaired his memory ; but he retains 
 all the oddity of his character in perfection, and is 
 going back to Italy, by the way of Geneva, that he 
 may have a conference with his friend Voltaire, about 
 giving the last blow to the Christian superstition. He 
 intends to take shipping here for Holland or Ham- 
 burg ; for it is a matter of great indifference to him 
 at what part of the Continent he first lands. 
 
 When he was going abroad the last time, he took 
 his passage in a ship bound for Leghorn, and his 
 t>agg3ge was actually embarked. In going down the
 
 6 Humphry Clinker 
 
 river by water, he was, by mistake, put on board of 
 another vessel under sail, and, upon inquiry, under- 
 stood she was bound to Petersburgh. " Petersburgh — 
 Petersburgh," said he ; "I don't care if I go along 
 with you." He forthwith struck a bargain with the 
 captain, bought a couple of shirts of the mate, and was 
 safe conveyed to the court of Muscovy, from whence 
 he travelled by land to receive his baggage at Leghorn. 
 He is now more likely than ever to execute a whim of 
 the same nature ; and I will hold any wager, that, as 
 he cannot be supposed to live much longer, according 
 to the course of nature, his exit will be as odd as his 
 life has been extravagant.^ 
 
 But, to return from one humourist to another. You 
 must know I have received benefit both from the 
 chalybeate and the sea, and would have used them 
 longer, had not a most ridiculous adventure, by making 
 me the town- talk, obliged me to leave the place ; for 
 I can't bear the thoughts of affording a spectacle to 
 the multitude. Yesterday morning, at six o'clock, I 
 went down to the bathing-place, attended by my ser- 
 vant Clinker, who waited on the beach as usual. The 
 
 ^ This gentleman crossed the sea to France, visited and 
 conferred with M. de Voltaire at Fernay, resumed his old 
 circuit at Genoa, and died in 1767, at the house of Vanini in 
 Florence. Being taken with a suppression of urine, he 
 resolved, in imitation of Pomponius Atticus, to take himself 
 off by abstinence ; and this resolution he executed like an 
 ancient Roman. He saw company to the last, cracked his 
 jokes, conversed freely, and entertained his guests with 
 music. On the third day of his fast, he found himself 
 entirely freed of his complaint ; but refused taking sus- 
 tenance. He said, the most disagreeable part of the voyage 
 was past, and he should be a cursed fool indeed to put about 
 fillip, when he was just entering the harbour. In these 
 sentiments he persisted, without any marks of affectation, 
 and thus finished his course with such ease and serenity, as 
 would have done honour to the firmest stoic of antiquity.
 
 A Mistaken Rescue 7 
 
 wind blowing from the north, and the weather being 
 hazy, the water proved so chill, that, when I rose 
 from my first plunge, I could not help sobbing and 
 bawling out from the effects of the cold. Clinker, 
 who heard my cry, and saw me indistinctly a good way 
 without the guide, buffeting the waves, took it for 
 granted I was drowning, and rushing into the sea, 
 clothes and all, overturned the guide, in his hurry to 
 save his master. I had swam out a few strokes, when, 
 hearing a noise, I turned about, and saw Clinker, 
 already up to his neck, advancing towards me, with all 
 the wildness of terror in his aspect. Afraid he would 
 get out of his depth, I made haste to meet him, when, 
 all of a sudden, he seized me by one ear, and dragged 
 me bellowing with pain upon the dry beach, to the 
 astonishment of all the people, men, women, and chil- 
 dren, there assembled. 
 
 I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear, and the 
 disgrace of being exposed in such an attitude, that, in 
 the first transport, I struck him down ; then, running 
 back into the sea, took shelter in the machine, where 
 my clothes had been deposited. I soon recollected 
 myself so far, as to do justice to the poor fellow, who, 
 in great simplicity of heart, had acted from motives 
 of fidelity and affection. Opening the door of the 
 machine, which was immediately drawn on shore, I 
 saw him standing by the wheel, dropping like a water- 
 work, and trembling from head to foot, partly from 
 cold, and partly from the dread of having offended his 
 master. I made my acknowledgments for the blow he 
 had received, assured him I was not angry, and in- 
 sisted upon his going home immediately, to shift his 
 clothes ; a command which he could hardly find in his 
 / heart to execute, so well disposed was he to furnish 
 ' the mob with farther entertainment at my expense. 
 Clinker's intention was laudable, without all doubt, but,
 
 8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 nevertheless, I am a sufferer by his simplicity. I have 
 liad a burning heat, and a strange buzzing noise in that 
 car, ever since it was so roughly treated ; and I cannot 
 walk the street without being pointed at, as the monster 
 that was haled naked ashore upon the beach. Well, I 
 affirm that folly is often more provoking than knavery, 
 ay, and more mischievous too ; and whether a man 
 had not better choose a sensible rogue, than an honest 
 simpleton, for his servant, is no matter of doubt with 
 yours. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 Scarborough, July 4. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon. 
 
 Dear Wat, — We made a precipitate retreat from 
 Scarborough, owing to the excessive delicacy of our 
 squire, who cannot bear the thoughts of being prce- 
 tereunt'ium dig'tto monstratus. 
 
 One morning, while he was bathing in the sea, his 
 man Clinker took it in his head that his master was 
 in danger of drowning ; and, in this conceit, plunging 
 into the water, he lugged him out naked on the beach, 
 and almost pulled off his ear in the operation. You 
 may guess how this achievement was relished by Mr. 
 Bramble, who is impatient, irascible, and has the most 
 extravagant ideas of decency and decorum in the 
 economy of his own person. In the first ebullition of 
 his choler, he knocked Clinker down with his fist; but 
 he afterwards made him amends for this outrage ; and, 
 in order to avoid the further notice of the people, 
 among whom this incident had made him remarkable, 
 he resolved to leave Scarborough next day. 
 
 We set out accordingly over the moors, by the way 
 of Whitby, and began our journey betimes, in hopes 
 of reaching Stockton that night ; but in this hope we 
 were disappointed. In the afternoon, crossing a deep
 
 The Coach Breaks Down 9 
 
 gutter, made by a torrent, the coach was so hard 
 strained, that one of the irons which connect the 
 frame snapt, and the leather sling on the same side 
 cracked in the middle. The shock was so great, that 
 my sister Liddy struck her head against Mrs. Tabitha's 
 nose with such violence that the blood flowed ; and 
 Win. Jenkins was darted through a small window in 
 that part of the carriage next the horses, where she 
 stuck like a bawd in the pillory, till she was released 
 by the hand of Mr. Bramble. We were eight miles 
 distant from any place where we could be supplied with 
 chaises, and it was impossible to proceed with the 
 coach, until the damage should be repaired. In this 
 dilemma, we discovered a blacksmith's forge on the 
 edge of a small common, about half a mile from the 
 scene of our disaster, and thither the postillions made 
 shift to draw the carriage slowly, while the company 
 walked a-foot ; but we found the blacksmith had been 
 dead some days ; and his wife, who had been lately 
 delivered, was deprived of her senses, under the care 
 of a nurse hired by the parish. We were exceedingly 
 mortified at this disappointment, which, however, was 
 surmounted by the help of Humphry Clinker, who is 
 a surprising compound of genius and simplicity. 
 Finding the tools of the defunct, together with some 
 coals in the smithy, he unscrewed the damaged iron in 
 a twinkling, and, kindling a fire, vmited the broken 
 pieces with equal dexterity and despatch. While he 
 was at work upon this operation, the poor woman in 
 the straw, struck with the well-known sound of the 
 hammer and anvil, started up, and, notwithstanding all 
 the nurse's efforts, came running into the smithy, 
 where, throwing her arms about Clinker's neck, " Ah, 
 Jacob ! " cried she, " how could you leave me in such 
 a condition ? " 
 
 This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth —
 
 lo Humphry Clinker 
 
 it brought tears into the eyes of all present. The 
 poor widow was put to bed again ; and we did not 
 leave the village without doing something for her 
 benefit. Even Tabitha's charity was awakened on 
 this occasion. As for the tender-hearted Humphry 
 Clinker, he hammered the iron, and wept at the same 
 time. But his ingenuity was not confined to his own 
 province of farrier and blacksmith — it was necessary 
 to join the leather sling, which had been broke ; and 
 this service he likewise performed, by means of a 
 broken awl, which he new pointed and ground, a little 
 hemp which he spun into lingles, and a few tacks 
 which he made for the purpose. Upon the whole, wc 
 were in a condition to proceed in little more than one 
 hour ; but even this delay obliged us to pass the night 
 at Gisborough. Next day we crossed the Tees at 
 Stockton, which is a neat agreeable town ; and there 
 we resolved to dine, with purpose to lie at Durham. 
 
 Whom should we meet in the yard, when wc 
 alighted, but Martin the adventurer ! Having handed 
 out the ladies, and conducted them into an apartment, 
 where he paid his compliments to Mrs. Tabby, with 
 his usual address, he begged leave to speak to my 
 uncle in another room ; and there, in some confusion, 
 he made an apology for having taken the liberty to 
 trouble him with a letter at Stevenage. He expressed 
 his hope, that Mr. Bramble had bestowed some con- 
 sideration on his unhappy case, and repeated his desire 
 of being taken into his service. 
 
 My uncle, calling me into the room, told him, that 
 we were both very well inclined to rescue him from a 
 way of life that was equally dangerous and dishonour- 
 able; and that he should have no scruple in trusting to 
 liis gratitude and fidelity, if he had any employment 
 for him, which he thought would suit his qualifications 
 and his circumstances ; but that all the departments he
 
 Martin Reappears II 
 
 had mentioned in his letter were filled up by persons of 
 whose conduct he had no reason to complain ; of con- 
 sequence he could not, without injustice, deprive any 
 one of them of his bread. Nevertheless, he declared 
 himself ready to assist him in any feasible project, either 
 with his purse or credit. 
 
 Martin seemed deeply touched at this declaration. 
 The tear started in his eye, while he said, in a falter- 
 ing accent, " Worthy sir — your generosity oppresses 
 me — I never dreamed of troubling you for any 
 pecuniary assistance — indeed I have no occasion — I 
 have been so lucky at billiards and betting at different 
 places, at Buxton, Harrowgate, Scarborough, and 
 Newcastle races, that my stock in ready money 
 amounts to three hundred pounds, which I would 
 willingly employ in prosecuting some honest scheme of 
 life ; but my friend Justice Buzzard has set so many 
 springes for my life, that I am under the necessity of 
 either retiring immediately to a remote part of the 
 country, where I can enjoy the protection of some 
 generous patron, or of quitting the kingdom altogether. 
 It is upon this alternative that I now beg leave to ask 
 your advice. I have had information of all your route 
 since I had the honour to see you at Stevenage ; and, 
 supposing you would come this way from Scarborough, 
 I came hither last night from Darlington to pay you 
 my respects." 
 
 " It would be no difficult matter to provide you 
 with an asylum in the country," replied my uncle ; 
 " but a life of indolence and obscurity would not suit 
 with your active and enterprising disposition — I would 
 therefore advise you to try your fortune in the East 
 Indies. I will give you a letter to a friend in Lon- 
 don, who will recommend you to the direction, for a 
 commission in the Company's service ; and if that 
 cannot be obtained, you will at least be received as a
 
 12 Humphry Clinker 
 
 volunteer — in which case you may pay for your pas- 
 sage, and 1 shall undertake to procure you such 
 credentials, that you will not be long without a com- 
 mission." 
 
 Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness ; 
 it was therefore resolved that he should sell his horse, 
 and take a passage by sea for London, to execute the 
 project without delay. In the meantime, he accom- 
 panied us to Durham, where we took up our quarters 
 for the night. Here, being furnished with letters 
 from my uncle, he took his leave of us, with strong 
 symptoms of gratitude and attachment, and set out for 
 Sunderland, in order to embark in the first collier 
 bound for the river Thames. 
 
 He had not been gone half an hour, when we were 
 joined by another character, which promised something 
 extraordinary. A tall meagre figure, answering, with 
 his horse, the description of Don Quixote mounted on 
 Rozinante, appeared in the twilight at the inn door, 
 while my aunt and Liddy stood at the window in the 
 dining-room. He wore a coat, the cloth of which 
 had once been scarlet, trimmed with Brandcnburgs, 
 now totally deprived of their metal, and he had 
 holster-caps and housing of the same stuff and same 
 antiquity. Perceiving ladies at the window above, he 
 endeavoured to dismount with the most graceful air he 
 could assume ; but the ostler neglecting to hold the 
 stirrup, when he wheeled off his right foot, and stood 
 with his whole weight on the other, the girth unfor- 
 tunately gave way, the saddle turned, down came the 
 cavalier to the ground, and his hat and periwig falling 
 off, displayed a headpiece of various colours, patched 
 and plastered in a woful condition. The ladies, at 
 the window above, shrieked with affright, on the sup- 
 position that the stranger had received some notable 
 damage in his fall ; but the greatest injury he had sus-
 
 A Strange Cavalier 13 
 
 tained, arose from the dishonour of his descent, aggra- 
 vated by the disgrace of exposing the condition of his 
 cranium ; for certain plebeians that were about the door, 
 laughed aloud, in the belief that the captain had got 
 either a scald head, or a broken head, both equally 
 opprobrious. 
 
 He forthwith leaped up in a fury, and snatching one 
 of his pistols, threatened to put the ostler to death, 
 when another squall from the women checked his 
 resentment. He then bowed to the window, while he 
 kissed the butt-end of his pistol, which he replaced, 
 adjusted his wig in great confusion, and led his horse 
 into the stable. By this time I had come to the door, 
 and could not help gazing at the strange figure that 
 presented itself to my view. He would have measured 
 above six feet in height, had he stood upright; but he 
 stooped very much, was very narrow in the shoulders, 
 and very thick in the calves of the legs, which were 
 cased in black spatterdashes. As for his thighs, they 
 were long and slender, like those of a grasshopper ; his 
 face was at least half a yard in length, brown and 
 shrivelled, with projecting cheek-bones, little grey 
 eyes on the greenish hue, a large hook nose, a pointed 
 chin, a mouth from ear to ear, very ill furnished with 
 teeth, and a high narrow forehead, well furrowed with 
 wrinkles. His horse was exactly in the style of its 
 rider ; a resurrection of dry bones, which (as we after- 
 wards learned) he valued exceedingly, as the only 
 present he had ever received in his life. 
 
 Having seen this favourite steed properly accom- 
 modated in the stable, he sent up his compliments to 
 the ladies, begging permission to thank them in person 
 for the marks of concern they had shown at his dis- 
 aster in the court-yard. As the squire said they could 
 not decently decline his visit, he was shown upstairs, 
 and paid his respects in the Scotch dialogue [-Icct] with
 
 \ 
 
 14 Humphry Clinker 
 
 much formality. "Ladies," said he, "perhaps you 
 may be scandaleesed at the appearance my head made 
 when it was uncovered by accident ; but I can assure 
 you, the condition you saw it in, is neither the effects 
 of disease, nor of drunkenness ; but an honest scar 
 received in the service of my country." He then 
 gave us to understand, that, having been wounded at 
 Ticonderago in America, a party of Indians rifled 
 him, scalped him, broke his skull with the blow of a 
 tomahawk, and then left him for dead on the field of 
 battle ; but that, being afterwards found with signs of 
 life, he had been cured in the French hospital, though 
 the loss of substance could not be repaired ; so that 
 the skull was left naked in several places, and these he 
 covered with patches. 
 
 There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner 
 taken than that of compassion. We were immediately 
 interested in behalf of this veteran. Even Tabby's 
 heart was melted ; but our pity was warmed with in- 
 dignation, when we learned, that, in the course of two 
 sanguinary wars, he had been wounded, maimed, 
 mutilated, taken, and enslaved, without having ever 
 attained a higher rank than that of lieutenant. My 
 uncle's eyes gleamed, and his nether lip quivered, 
 while he exclaimed, " I vow to God, sir, your case is 
 a reproach to the service ; the injustice you have met 
 with is so flagrant." — " I must crave your pardon, sir," 
 cried the other, interrupting him, " I complain of no 
 injustice. I purchased an ensigncy thirty years ago ; 
 and, in the course of service, rose to be a lieutenant, 
 according to my seniority " — " But in such a length 
 of time," resumed the squire, " you must have seen a 
 great many young officers put over your head." — 
 ** Nevertheless," said he, " I have no cause to mur- 
 mur. They bought their preferment with their 
 money. I had no money to carry to market — that
 
 Military Service 1 5 
 
 was my misfortune ; but nobody was to blame " — 
 "What! no friend to advance a sum of money?" 
 said Mr. Bramble. — " Perhaps I might have borrowed 
 money for the purchase of a company," answered the 
 other ; " but that loan must have been refunded ; and 
 I did not choose to encumber myself with a debt of a 
 thousand pounds, to be paid from an income of ten 
 shillings a day." — " So you have spent the best part 
 of your life," cried Mr. Bramble, " your youth, your 
 blood, and your constitution, amidst the dangers, the 
 difficulties, the horrors, and hardships of war, for the 
 consideration of three or four shillings a day — a con- 
 sideration " — " Sir," replied the Scot, with great 
 warmth, " you are the man that does me injustice, if 
 you say or think I have been actuated by any such 
 paltry consideration. I am a gentleman ; and entered 
 the service as other gentlemen do, with such hopes and 
 sentiments as honourable ambition inspires. If I have 
 not been lucky in the lottery of life, so neither do I 
 think myself unfortunate. I owe no man a farthing ; 
 I can always command a clean shirt, a mutton chop, 
 and a truss of straw ; and, when I die, I shall leave 
 effects sufficient to defray the expense of my burial." 
 
 My uncle assured him, he had no intention to give 
 him the least offence, by the observations he had made ; 
 but, on the contrary, spoke from a sentiment of friendly 
 regard to his interest. The lieutenant thanked him 
 with a stiffnessof civility, which nettled our old gentle- 
 man, who perceived that his moderation was all affected; 
 for whatsoever his tongue might declare, his whole 
 appearance denoted dissatisfaction. In short, without 
 pretending to judge of his military merit, I think I 
 may affirm, that this Caledonian is a self-conceited 
 pedant, awkward, rude, and disputatious. He has 
 had the benefit of a school education, seems to have 
 read a good number of books, his memory is tenacious,
 
 1 6 Humphry Clinker 
 
 and he pretends to speak several different languages; 
 but he is so addicted to wrangling, that he will cavil at 
 the clearest truths, and, in the pride of argumentation, 
 attempt to reconcile contradictions. Whether his ad- 
 dress and qualifications are really of that stamp which 
 is agreeable to the taste of our aunt Mrs. Tabitha, 
 or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot at 
 every sort of game, certain it is, she has begun to 
 practise upon the heart of the lieutenant, who favoured 
 us with his company to supper. 
 
 I have many other things to say of this man of war, 
 which I shall communicate in a post or two. Mean- 
 while, it is but reasonable that you should be indulged 
 with some respite from those weary lucubrations of. 
 Yours, J. Melford. 
 
 Neivcastle-upon-Tyne, July lO. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon. 
 
 Dear Phillips, — In my last, I treated you with 
 a high-flavoured dish, in the character of the Scotch 
 lieutenant, and I must present him once more for your 
 entertainment. It was our fortune to feed upon him 
 the best part of three days ; and I do not doubt that 
 he will start again in our way before we shall have 
 finished our northern excursion. The day after our 
 meeting with him at Durham proved so tempestuous, 
 that we did not choose to proceed on our journey ; and 
 my uncle persuaded him to stay till the weather should 
 clear up, giving him, at the same time, a general in- 
 vitation to our mess. The man has certainly gathered 
 a whole budget of shrewd observations, but he brings 
 them forth in such an ungracious manner as- would be 
 extremely disgusting, if it was not marked by that 
 characteristic oddity which never fails to attract the
 
 Remarks on Nomenclature 17 
 
 attention. He and Mr. Bramble discoursed, and even 
 disputed, on different subjects in war, policy, the belles- 
 lettres, law, and metaphysics ; and sometimes they were 
 warmed into such altercation as seemed to threaten an 
 abrupt dissolution of their society ; but Mr. Bramble 
 set a guard over his own irascibility, the more vigilantly 
 as the officer was his guest ; and when, in spite of all 
 his efforts, he began to wax warm, the other prudently 
 cooled in the same proportion. 
 
 Mrs. Tabitha chancing to accost her brother by 
 the familiar diminutive of Matt, " Pray, sir," said the 
 lieutenant, " is your name Matthias ? " You must 
 know, it is one of our uncle's foibles to be ashamed of 
 his name Matthew, because it is puritanical ; and this 
 question chagrined him so much, that he answered, 
 " No, by G — d ! " in a very abrupt tone of displeasure. 
 The Scot took up umbrage at the manner of his reply, 
 and bristling up, " If I had known," said he, "that 
 you did not care to tell your name, I should not have 
 asked the question. The leddy called you Matt, and 
 I naturally thought it was Matthias ; — perhaps it may 
 be Methuselah, or Metrodorus, or Metellus, or 
 Mathurinus, or Malthinnus, or Matamorus, or " — 
 "No," cried my uncle, laughing, "it is neither of 
 those, captain. My name is Matthew Bramble, at 
 your service. The truth is, I have a foolish pique 
 at the name of Matthew, because it savours of those 
 canting hypocrites, who, in Cromwell's time, chris- 
 tene3~~^ll their children by names taken from the 
 Scripture." — " A foolish pique, indeed," cried Mrs. 
 Tabby, " and even sinful, to fall out with your name 
 because it is taken from holy writ. I would have 
 you to know, you was called after great uncle 
 Matthew ap Madoc ap Meredith, Esquire, of Llan- 
 wysthin, in Montgomeryshire, justice of the quorum, 
 and crusty ruttleorum, a gentleman of great worth and 
 II.— 2
 
 1 8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 property, descended in a straight line, by the female 
 side, from Llewellyn, Prince of Wales." 
 
 This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some 
 impression upon the North Briton, who bowed very 
 low to the descendants of Llewellyn, and observed 
 that he himself had the honour of a scriptural nomina- 
 tion. The lady expressing a desire of knowing his 
 address, he said, he designed himself Lieutenant 
 Obadiah Lismahago ; — and, in order to assist her 
 memory, he presented her with a slip of paper in- 
 scribed with these three words, which she repeated 
 with great emphasis, declaring it was one of the most 
 noble and sonorous names she had ever heard. He 
 observed, that Obadiah was an adventitious appellation, 
 derived from his great-grandfather, who had been one 
 of the original covenanters ; but Lismahago was the 
 family surname, taken from a place in Scotland so 
 called. He likewise dropped some hints about the 
 antiquity of his pedigree, adding, with a smile of self- 
 denial, Sed genus et proavos, et qua nonfeclmus Ips't, vix 
 en nostra "voco, which quotation he explained in de- 
 ference to the ladies ; and Mrs. Tabitha did not fail 
 to compliment him on his modesty in waiving the 
 merit of his ancestry, adding, that it was the less 
 necessary to him, as he had such a considerable fund 
 of his own. She now began to glue herself to his 
 favour with the grossest adulation. She__expatiated 
 upon the antiquity and virtues of the Scottish nation, 
 upon their valour, probity, learning, and politeness. 
 She even descended to encomiums on his own personal 
 address, his gallantry, good sense, and erudition. She 
 appealed to her brother, whether the captain was not the 
 very image of our cousin Governor Griffith. She dis- 
 covered a surprising eagerness to know the particulars of 
 his life, and asked a thousand questions concerning his 
 achievements in war ; all which Mr. Lismahago answered
 
 Captured by Indians 1 9 
 
 with a sort of Jesuitical reserve, affecting a reluctance 
 to satisfy her curiosity on a subject that concerned his 
 own exploits. 
 
 By dint of her interrogations, however, we learned, 
 that he and Ensign Murphy had made their escape 
 from the French hospital at Montreal, and taken to the 
 woods, in hope of reaching some English settlement ; 
 but, mistaking their route, they fell in with a party of 
 Miamis, who carried them away in captivity. The 
 intention of these Indians was to give one of them as 
 an adopted son to a venerable sachem, who had lost his 
 own in the course of the war, and to sacrifice the other 
 according to the custom of the country. Murphy, as 
 being the younger and handsomer of the two, was 
 designed to fill the place of the deceased, not only as 
 the son of the sachem, but as the spouse of a beautiful 
 squaw, to whom his predecessor had been betrothed ; 
 but, in passing through the different wigwams, or 
 villages of the Miamis, poor Murphy was so mangled 
 by the women and children, who have the privilege of 
 torturing all prisoners in their passage, that, by the time 
 they arrived at the place of the sachem's residence, he 
 was rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of 
 marriage. It was determined, therefore, in the as- 
 sembly of the warriors, that Ensign Murphy should be 
 brought to the stake, and that the lady should be given 
 to Lieutenant Lismahago, who had likewise received 
 his share of torments, though they had not produced 
 emasculation. A joint of one finger had been cut, or 
 rather sawed off with a rusty knife ; one of his great toes 
 was crushed into a mash betwixt two stones ; some of 
 his teeth were drawn or dug out with a crooked nail ; 
 splintered reeds had been thrust up his nostrils and 
 other tender parts ; and the calves of his legs had been 
 blown up with mines of gunpowder dug in the flesh 
 with the sharp point of the tomahawk.
 
 cyuH 
 
 20 Humphry Clinker 
 
 The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died 
 with great heroism, singing, as his death song, the 
 Drimmendoo, in concert with Mr. Lismahago, who was 
 present at the solemnity. After the warriors and the 
 matrons had made a hearty meal upon the muscular 
 flesh, which they pared from the victim, and had 
 applied a great variety of tortures, which he bore 
 without flinching, an old lady, with a sharp knife, 
 scooped out one of his eyes, and put a burning coal in 
 the socket. The pain of this operation was so exquisite, 
 that he could not help bellowing, upon which the 
 audience raised a shout of exultation, and one of the 
 warriors stealing behind him, gave him the coup de 
 grace with a hatchet. 
 
 Lismahago's bride, the squaw Squinkinacoosta, dis- 
 tinguished herself on this occasion. She showed a 
 great superiority of genius in the tortures which she 
 contrived and executed with her own hands. She vied 
 with the stoutest warrior in eating the flesh of the 
 sacrifice ; and after all the other females were fuddled 
 with dram-drinking, she was not so intoxicated but 
 that she was able to play the game of the platter with 
 the conjuring sachem, and afterwards go through the 
 ceremony of her own wedding, which was consum- 
 mated that same evening. The captain had lived very 
 happily with this accomplished squaw for two years, 
 during which she bore him a son, who is now the 
 representative of his mother's tribe ; but, at length, to 
 his unspeakable grief, she had died of a fever, occa- 
 sioned by eating too much raw bear, which they had 
 killed in a hunting excursion. 
 
 By this time, Mr. Lismahago was elected sachem, 
 acknowledged first warrior of the Badger tribe, and 
 dignified with the name or epithet of Occacanastaogar- 
 ora, which signifies nimble as a iveasel ; but all these 
 advantages and honours he was obliged to resign, in
 
 Lismahago's Wedding 21 
 
 consequence of being exchanged for the orator of 
 the community, who had been taken prisoner by the 
 Indians that were in alliance with the English. At 
 the peace, he had sold out upon half-pay, and was 
 returned to Britain, with a view to pass the rest of his 
 life in his own country, where he hoped to find some 
 retreat, where his slender finances would afford him a 
 decent subsistence. Such are the outlines of Mr. Lis- 
 mahago's history, to which Tabitha did seriously incline 
 her ear ; indeed, she seemed to be taken with the 
 same charms that captivated the heart of Desdemona, 
 who loved the Moor^br the dangers he had passed. 
 
 The description of poor Murphy's suflPerings, which 
 threw my sister Liddy into a swoon, extracted some 
 sighs from the breast of Mrs. Tabby ; when she under- 
 stood he had been rendered unfit for marriage, she 
 began to spit, and ejaculated, "Jesus, what cruel 
 barbarians ! " and she made wry faces at the lady's 
 nuptial repast ; but she was eagerly curious to know 
 the particulars of her marriage dress ; whether she 
 wore high-breasted stays or bodice, a robe of silk 
 or velvet, and laces of Mechlin or minionete — she 
 supposed, as they were connected with the French, 
 she used rouge, and had her hair dressed in the 
 Parisian fashion. The captain would have declined 
 giving a categorical explanation of all these particulars, 
 observing, in general, that the Indians were too 
 tenacious of their own customs to adopt the modes 
 of any nation whatsoever. He said, moreover, 
 that neither the simplicity of their manners, nor the 
 commerce of their country, would admit of those 
 articles of luxury which are deemed magnificence in 
 Europe ; and that they were too virtuous and sensible to 
 encourage the introduction of any fashion which might 
 help to render them corrupt and cfPeminatc. 
 
 These observations served only to inflame her desire
 
 22 Humphry Clinker 
 
 of knowing the particulars about which she had in- 
 quired ; and, with all his evasion, he could not help 
 discovering the following circumstances : — That his 
 princess had neither shoes, stockings, shift, nor any 
 kind of linen ; that her bridal dress consisted of a 
 petticoat of red baize, and a fringed blanket, fastened 
 about her shoulders with a copper skewer; but of 
 ornaments she had great plenty. Her hair was curi- 
 ously plaited, and interwoven with bobbins of human 
 bone — one eyelid was painted green and the other 
 yellow ; the cheeks were blue, the lips white, the 
 teeth red, and there was a black list drawn down the 
 middle of the forehead as far as the tip of the nose ; a 
 couple of gaudy parrot's feathers were stuck through 
 the division of the nostrils ; there was a blue stone set 
 in the chin ; her ear-rings consisted of two pieces of 
 hickory, of the size and shape of drumsticks ; her arms 
 and legs were adorned with bracelets of wampum ; her 
 breast glittered with numerous strings of glass beads ; 
 she wore a curious pouch, or pocket, of woven grass, 
 elegantly painted with various colours ; about her neck 
 was hung the fresh scalp of a Mohawk warrior, whom 
 her deceased lover had lately slain in battle ; and, 
 finally, she was anointed from head to foot with bear's 
 grease, which sent forth a most agreeable odour. 
 
 One would imagine that these paraphernalia would 
 not have been much admired by a modern fine lady ; 
 but Mrs. Tabitha was resolved to approve of all the 
 captain's connexions. She wished, indeed, the squaw 
 had been better provided with linen ; but she owned 
 there was much taste and fancy in her ornaments ; she 
 made no doubt, therefore, that Madam Squinkinacoosta 
 was a young lady of good sense and rare accomplish- 
 ments, and a good Christian at bottom. Then she 
 asked whither his consort had been High Church or 
 Low Church, Presbyterian, or Anabaptist, or had been
 
 Missions to the Heathen 23 
 
 favoured with any glimmering of the new light of the 
 gospel ? When he confessed that she and her whole 
 nation were utter strangers to the Christian faith, she 
 gazed at him with signs of astonishment ; and Humphry 
 Clinker, who chanced to be in the room, uttered a 
 hollow groan. 
 
 After some pause, " In the name of God, Captain 
 Lismahago," cried she, " what religion do they pro- 
 fess ? " — "As to religion, madam," answered the 
 lieutenant, " it is among those Indians a matter of great 
 simplicity — they never heard of any alliance betiueen 
 Church and State. They, in general, worship two con- 
 tending principles ; one the fountain of all good, the 
 other the source of evil. The common people there, 
 as in other countries, run into the absurdities of super- 
 stition ; but sensible men pay adoration to a supreme 
 Being, who created and sustains the universe." — " O ! 
 what pity," exclaimed the pious Tabby, " that some 
 holy man has not been inspired to go and convert these 
 poor heathens ! " 
 
 The lieutenant told her, that, while he resided 
 among them, two French missionaries arrived, in order 
 to convert them to the Catholic religion ; but when 
 they talked of mysteries and revelations, which they 
 could neither explain nor authenticate, and called in 
 the evidence of miracles which they believed upon 
 hearsay ; when they taught, that the Supreme Creator 
 of heaven and earth had allowed his only Son, his own 
 equal in power and glory, to enter the bowels of a 
 woman, to be born as a human creature, to be insulted, 
 flagellated, and even executed as a malefactor ; when 
 they pretended to create God himself, to swallow, 
 digest, revive, and multiply him ad injimtum, by the 
 help of a little flour and water, the Indians were 
 shocked at the impiety of their presumption. They 
 were examined by the assembly of the sachems, who
 
 24 Humphry Clinker 
 
 desired them to prove the divinity of their mission by 
 some miracle. They answered, that it was not in 
 their power. " If you were really sent by heaven for 
 our conversion," said one of the sachems, "you would 
 certainly have some supernatural endowments, at least 
 you would have the gift of tongues, in order to explain 
 your doctrine to the different nations among which you 
 are employed ; but you are so ignorant of our language, 
 that you cannot express yourselves even on the most 
 trifling subjects." 
 
 In a word, the assembly were convinced of their 
 being cheats, and even suspected them of being spies. 
 They ordered them a bag of Indian corn apiece, and 
 appointed a guide to conduct them to the frontiers ; 
 but the missionaries having more zeal than discretion, 
 refused to quit the vineyard. They persisted in saying 
 mass, in preaching, baptizing, and squabbling with the 
 conjurers, or priests of the country, till they had thrown 
 the whole community into confusion. Then the as- 
 sembly proceeded to try them as impious impostors, 
 who represented the Almighty as a trifling, weak, 
 capricious being, and pretended to make, unmake, and 
 reproduce him at pleasure. They were, therefore, 
 convicted of blasphemy and sedition, and condemned 
 to the stake, where they died singing Sahe reg'tna, in 
 a rapture of joy, for the crown of martyrdom, which 
 they had thus obtained. 
 
 In the course of this conversation. Lieutenant Lis- 
 mahago dropt some hints, by which it appeared he 
 himself was a freethinker. Our aunt seemed to be 
 startled at certain sarcasms he threw out against the 
 creed of Saint Athanasius. He dwelt much upon the 
 words, reason, philosophy, and contradiction in terms — he 
 bid defiance to the eternity of hell fire ; and even 
 threw such squibs at the immortality of the soul, as 
 singed a little the whiskers of Mrs. Tabitha's faith ;
 
 Scurrilous Libels 25 
 
 for, by this time, she began to look upon Lismahago 
 as a prodigy of learning and sagacity — in short, he 
 could be no longer insensible to the advances she made 
 towards his affection ; and, although there was some- 
 thing repulsive in his nature, he overcame it so far as 
 to make some return to her civilities. Perhaps, he 
 thought it would be no bad scheme, in a superannuated, 
 lieutenant on half-pay, to effect a conjunction with an 
 old maid, who, in all probability, had fortune enough 
 to keep him easy and comfortable in the fag-end of his 
 days. An ogling correspondence forthwith commenced 
 between this amiable pair of originals. He began to 
 sweeten the natural acidity of his discourse with the 
 treacle of compliment and commendation. He from 
 time to time offered her snuff, of which he himself 
 took great quantities, and even made her a present of a 
 purse of silk grass, woven by the hands of the amiable 
 Squinkinacoosta, who had used it as a shot-pouch in 
 her hunting expeditions. 
 
 From Doncaster northwards, all the windows of all 
 the inns are scrawled with doggrel rhymes, in abuse of 
 the Scotch nation ; and what surprised me very much, 
 I did not perceive one line written in the way of re- 
 crimination. Curious to hear what Lismahago would 
 say on this subject, I pointed out to him a very scur- 
 rilous epigram against his countrymen, which was 
 engraved on one of the windows of the parlour where 
 we sat. He read it with the most starched composure ; 
 and when I asked his opinion of the poetry, " It is 
 vara terse and vara poignant," said he ; " but with the 
 help of a wat dish-clout, it might be rendered more 
 clear and parspicuous. I marvel much that some 
 modern wit has not published a collection of these 
 essays under the title of the Glazier's Triumph over 
 Saivney the Scot ; — I'm persuaded it would be a vara 
 agreeable offering to the patriots of London and West-
 
 26 Humphry Clinker 
 
 minster." When I expressed some surprise that the 
 natives of Scotland, who travel this way, had not broke 
 all the windows upon the road, " With submission," 
 replied the lieutenant, " that were but shallow policy — 
 it would only serve to make the satire more cutting 
 and severe ; and, I think, it is much better to let it 
 stand in the window, than have it presented in the 
 reckoning." 
 
 My uncle's jaws began to quiver with indignation. 
 He said, the scribblers of such infamous stuff deserved 
 to be scourged at the cart's tail for disgracing their 
 country with such monuments of malice and stupidity. 
 "These vermin," said he, "do not consider that they 
 are affording their fellow-subjects, whom they abuse, 
 continual matter of self-gratulation, as well as the 
 means of executing the most manly vengeance that can 
 be taken for such low, illiberal attacks. For my part, 
 I admire the philosophic forbearance of the Scotch, as 
 much as I despise the insolence of those wretched 
 libellers, which is akin to the arrogance of the village 
 cock, who never crows but upon his own dunghill." 
 The captain, with an affectation of candour, observed, 
 that men of illiberal minds were produced in every 
 soil ; that, in supposing those were the sentiments of 
 the English in general, he should pay too great a com- 
 pliment to his own country, which was not of conse- 
 quence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing 
 and powerful people. 
 
 Mrs. Tabby broke forth again in praise of his 
 moderation, and declared that Scotland was the soil 
 which produced every virtue under heaven. When 
 Lismahago took his leave for the night, she asked her 
 brother, if the captain was not the prettiest gentleman 
 he had ever seen ; and whether there was not some- 
 thing wonderfully engaging in his aspect ? Mr. 
 Bramble having eyed her for some time in silence,
 
 National Characteristics 27 
 
 " Sister," said he, " the lieutenant is, for aught I 
 know, an honest man, and a good officer ; he has a 
 considerable share of understanding, and a title to more 
 encouragement than he seems to have met with in life ; 
 but I cannot, with a safe conscience, affirm, that he 
 is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw ; neither can I 
 discern any engaging charm in his countenance, which, 
 I vow to God, is, on the contrary, very hard-favoured 
 and forbiding." 
 
 I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this 
 North Briton, who is really a curiosity ; but he has 
 been very shy of my conversation, ever since I laughed 
 at his asserting that the English tongue was spoke with 
 more propriety at Edinburgh than at London. Look- 
 ing at me with a double squeeze of souring in his 
 aspect, *' If the old definition be true," said he, " that 
 risibility is the distinguishing characteristic of a rational 
 creature, the English are the most distinguished for 
 rationality of any people I ever knew." I owned that 
 the English were easily struck with anything that 
 appeared ludicrous, and apt to laugh accordingly ; but 
 it did not follow, that, because they were more given 
 to laughter, they had more rationality than their 
 neighbours. I said, such an inference would be an 
 injury to the Scotch, who were by no means defective 
 in rationality, though generally supposed little subject 
 to the impressions of humour. 
 
 The captain answered, that tliis supposition must 
 have been deduced either from their conversation or 
 their compositions, of which the English could not 
 possibly judge with precision, as they did not under- 
 stand the dialect used by the Scots in common dis- 
 course, as well as in their works of humour. When I 
 desired to know what those works of humour were, he 
 mentioned a considerable number of pieces, which he 
 insisted were equal in point of humour to anything
 
 28 Humphry Clinker 
 
 extant in any language dead or living. He, in par- 
 ticular, recommended a collection of detached poems, 
 in two small volumes, entitled. The Evergreen^ and the 
 works of Allan Ramsay, which I intend to provide 
 myself with at Edinburgh. He observed, that a North 
 Briton is seen to a disadvantage in an English com- 
 pany, because he speaks in a dialect that they can't 
 relish, and in a phraseology which they don't under- 
 stand. He therefore finds himself under a restraint, 
 which is a great enemy to wit and humour. These 
 are faculties which never appear in full lustre, but 
 when the mind is perfectly at ease, and, as an excellent 
 
 < writer says, enjoys her elboiv-room. 
 He proceeded to explain this assertion, that the 
 English language was spoken with greater propriety 
 at Edinburgh than at London. He said, what we 
 ^nerally called the Scottish dialect, was, in fact, true, 
 genuine, old English, with a mixture of some French 
 terms and idioms, adopted in a long intercourse 
 betwixt the French and Scotch nations ; that the 
 modern English, from affectation and false refinement, 
 had weakened, and even corrupted their language, by 
 throwing out the guttural sounds, altering the pro- 
 nunciation and the quantity, and disusing many words 
 and terms of great significance. In consequence of 
 these innovations, the works of our best poets, such as 
 Chaucer, Spenser, and even Shakespeare, were become, 
 in many parts, unintelligible to the natives of South 
 / Britain ; whereas the Scots, who retain the ancient 
 language, understand them without the help of a glos- 
 sary. "For instance," said he, "how have your 
 commentators been puzzled by the following expression 
 in the Tempest — He's gentle, and not fearful ; as if it 
 was a paralogism to say, that, being gentUy he must of 
 course be courageous ; but the truth is, one of the 
 original meanings, if not the sole meaning of that word
 
 Discourse on Language 29 
 
 was, noble, high - minded ; and to this day, a Scots 
 woman, in the situation of the young lady in the 
 Tempest, would express herself nearly in the same 
 terms — Don't provoke him ; for being gentle, that is 
 high- spirited, he won't tamely bear an insult. Spenser, 
 in the very first stanza of his Faery Queene, says — ■ 
 
 A gentle knight was pricking on the plain j 
 
 which knight, far from being tame and fearful, was so 
 stout, that 
 
 Nothing did he dread, but ever v?as ydrad. 
 
 To prove that we had impaired the energy of our 
 language by false refinement, he mentioned the follow- 
 ing words, which, though widely different in significa- 
 tion, are pronounced exactly in the same manner — 
 ivright, write ; right, rite ; but, among the Scotch, 
 these words are as different in pronunciation as they 
 are in meaning and orthography ; and this is the case 
 with many others ' which he mentioned by way of 
 illustration. He moreover took notice, that we had 
 (for what reason he could never learn) altered the 
 sound of our vowels from that which is retained by all 
 the nations in Europe ; an alteration which rendered 
 the language extremely difficult to foreigners, and made 
 it almost impracticable to lay down general rules for 
 orthography and pronunciation. Besides, the vowels 
 were no longer simple sounds in the mouth of an Eng- 
 lishman, who pronounced both i and u as diphthongs. 
 Finally, he affirmed, that we mumbled our speech with 
 our lips and teeth, and ran the words together without 
 pause or distinction, in such a manner, that a foreigner, 
 though he understood English tolerably well, was often 
 obliged to have recourse to a Scotchman to explain 
 what a native of England had said in his own 
 language.
 
 30 Humphry CJinker 
 
 The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr. 
 Bramble from his own experience ; but he accounted 
 for it on another principle. He said, the same obser- 
 vation would hold in all languages ; that a Swiss 
 talking French was more easily understood than a 
 Parisian by a foreigner who had not made himself 
 master of the language ; because every language had its 
 peculiar recitative, and it would always require more 
 pains, attention, and practice, to acquire both the words 
 and the music, than to learn the words only ; and yet 
 nobody would deny, that the one was imperfect without 
 the other ; he, therefore, apprehended that the Scotch- 
 man and the Swiss were better understood by learners, 
 because they spoke the words only, without the music, 
 which they could not rehearse. One would imagine 
 this check might have damped the North Briton ; but 
 it served only to agitate his humour for disputation. 
 He said, if every nation had its own recitative or 
 music, the Scotch had theirs, and the Scotchman, who 
 had not yet acquired the cadence of the English, 
 would naturally use his own in speaking their language; 
 /therefore, if he was better understood than the native, 
 nis recitative must be more intelligible than that of the 
 English ; of consequence the dialect of the Scotch had 
 an advantage over that of their fellow-subjects, and 
 
 : this was another strong presumption that the modern 
 
 I English had corrupted their language in the article of 
 
 I pronunciation. y 
 
 The lieutenant was, by this time, become so polem- 
 ical, that every time he opened his mouth, out flew a 
 paradox, which he maintained with all the enthusiasm 
 of altercation ; but all his paradoxes savoured strongly 
 of a partiality for his own country. He undertook to 
 
 J/' prove that poverty was a blessing to a nation ; that 
 oatmeal was preferable to 'wheat jlour ,- and that the 
 worship of Cloacina, in temples which admitted both
 
 Journeying Northward 31 
 
 sexes, and every rank of votaries promiscuously, was a 
 filthy species of idolatry that outraged every idea of 
 delicacy and decorum. I did not so much wonder at 
 his broaching these doctrines, as at the arguments, 
 equally whimsical and ingenious, which he adduced in 
 support of them. 
 
 In fine, Lieutenant Lismahago is a curiosity which 
 I have not yet sufficiently perused ; and, therefore, I 
 shall be sorry when we lose his company, though, God 
 knows, there is nothing very amiable in his manner or 
 disposition. As he goes directly to the south-west 
 division of Scotland, and we proceed in the road to 
 Berwick, we shall part to-morrow at a place called 
 Feltonbridge ; and, I daresay, this separation will be 
 very grievous to our aunt Mrs. Tabitha, unless she has 
 received some flattering assurance of his meeting her 
 again. If I fail in my purpose of entertaining you 
 with these unimportant occurrences, they will at least 
 serve as exercises of patience, for which you are 
 indebted to Yours always, 
 
 Morpeth, July 13. J. Melford. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Doctor, — I have now reached the northern 
 extremity of England, and see, close to my chamber 
 window, the Tweed gliding through the arches of that 
 bridge which connects this suburb to the town of 
 Berwick. Yorkshire you have seen, and therefore I 
 shall say nothing of that opulent province. The city 
 of Durham appears like a confused heap of stones and 
 brick, accumulated so as to cover a mountain, round 
 which a river winds its brawling course. The streets 
 are generally narrow, dark, and unpleasant, and many 
 of them almost impassable in consequence of their 
 declivity. The catliedral is a huge gloomy pile ; but
 
 32 Humphry Clinker 
 
 the clergy are well lodged. The bishop lives in a 
 princely manner — the golden prebends keep plentiful 
 tables — and I am told there is some good sociable 
 company in the place ; but the country, when viewed 
 from the top of Gateshead Fell, which extends to 
 Newcastle, exhibits the highest scene of cultivation 
 that ever I beheld. As for Newcastle, it lies mostly 
 in a bottom, on the banks of the Tyne, and makes an 
 appearance still more disagreeable than that of Durham ; 
 but it is rendered populous and rich by industry and 
 commerce ; and the country lying on both sides the 
 river, above the town, yields a delightful prospect of 
 agriculture and plantation. Morpeth and Alnwick are 
 neat pretty towns, and this last is famous for the castle 
 which has belonged so many ages to the noble house of 
 Percy, Earls of Northumberland. It is, doubtless, a 
 large edifice, containing a great number of apartments, 
 and stands in a commanding situation ; but the strength 
 of it seems to have consisted not so much in its site, or 
 the manner in which it is fortified, as in the valour of 
 its defendants. 
 
 Our adventures, since we left Scarborough, are 
 scarce worth reciting ; and yet I must make you 
 acquainted with my sister Tabby's progress in husband- 
 hunting. After her disappointments at Bath and 
 London, she had actually begun to practise upon a 
 certain adventurer, who was in fact a highwayman by 
 profession ; but he had been used to snares much more 
 dangerous than any she could lay, and escaped accord- 
 ingly. Then she opened her batteries upon an old, 
 weather-beaten Scotch lieutenant, called Lismahago, 
 who joined us at Durham, and is, I think, one of the 
 most singular personages I ever encountered. His 
 manner is as harsh as his countenance ; but his peculiar 
 turn of thinking, and his pack of knowledge, made up 
 of the remnants of rarities, rendered his conversation
 
 Scotch Modesty 33 
 
 desirable, in spite of his pedantry and ungracious ad- 
 dress. I have often met with a crab-apple in a hedge, 
 which I have been tempted to eat for its flavour, even 
 while I was disgusted by its austerity. The spirit of 
 contradiction is naturally so strong in Lismahago, that 
 I believe in my conscience he has rummaged, and read, 
 and studied with indefatigable attention, in order to 
 qualify himself to refute established_;maxinjs, and thus 
 raise trophies for the gratification of pol emical p ride. 
 Such is the asperity of his self-concei^tHat he will not 
 even acquiesce in a transient compliment made to his 
 own individual in particular, or to his country in 
 general. 
 
 When I observed that he must have read a vast 
 number of books to be able to discourse on such a 
 variety of subjects, he declared he had read little or 
 nothing, and asked how he should find books among 
 the woods of America, where he had spent the greatest 
 part of his life. My nephew remarking, that the 
 Scotch in general were famous for their learning, he 
 denied the imputation, and defied him to prove it from 
 their works. "The Scotch," said he, "have a slight 
 tincture of letters, with which they make a parade 
 among people who are more illiterate than themselves ; 
 but they may be said to float on the surface of science, 
 and they have made very small advances in the useful 
 arts." — "At least," cried Tabby, "all the world 
 allows that the Scotch behaved gloriously in fighting 
 and conquering the savages of America." — " I can 
 assure you, madam, you have been misinformed," re- 
 plied the lieutenant ; " in that continent the Scotch 
 did nothing more than their duty, nor was there one 
 corps in his Majesty's service that distinguished itself 
 more than another. Those who affected to extol the 
 Scotch for superior merit, were no friends to that 
 nation."
 
 34 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Though he himself made free with his countrymen, 
 he would not suffer any other person to glance a 
 sarcasm at them with impunity. One of the company 
 chancing to mention Lord B— 's inglorious peace, the 
 lieutenant immediately took up the cudgels in his lord- 
 ship's favour, and argued very strenuously to prove 
 that it was the most honourable and advantageous 
 peace that England had ever made since the founda- 
 tion of the monarchy. Nay, between friends, he 
 offered such reasons on this subject, that I was really 
 confounded, if not convinced. He would not allow 
 that the Scotch abounded above their proportion in the 
 army and navy of Great Britain, or that the English 
 had any reason to say his countrymen had met with 
 extraordinary encouragement in the service. " When 
 a South and North Briton," said he, "are com- 
 petitors for a place or commission, which is in the 
 disposal of an English minister or an English general, 
 it would be absurd to suppose that the preference would 
 not be given to the native of England, who has so 
 many advantages over his rival. First and foremost, 
 he has in his favour that laudable partiality, which Mr. 
 Addison says never fails to cleave to the heart of an 
 Englishman ; secondly, he has more powerful con- 
 nexions, and a greater share of parliamentary interest, 
 by which those contests are generally decided ; and, 
 lastly, he has a greater command of money to smooth 
 the way to his success. For my own part," said he, 
 " I know no Scotch officer who has risen in the army 
 above the rank of a subaltern, without purchasing every 
 degree of preferment either with money or recruits ; 
 but I know many gentlemen of that country, who, for 
 want of money and interest, have grown grey in the 
 rank of lieutenants ; whereas very few instances of this 
 ill -fortune are to be found among the natives of South 
 Britain. Not that I would insinuate that my country-
 
 Ebb and Flow of Commerce ^S 
 
 men have the least reason to complain. Preferment in 
 the service, like success in any other branch of traffic, j, 
 will naturally favour those who have the greatest stock 
 of cash and credit, merit and capacity being supposed 
 equal on all sides." 
 
 But the most hardy of all this original's positions 
 were these : — That commerce would, sooner or later, 
 prove the ruin of every nation, where it flourishes to 
 any extent — that the parliament was the rotten part of 
 the British constitution — that the liberty of the press 
 was a national evil — and that the boasted institution 
 of juries, as managed in England, was productive of 
 shameful perjury, and flagrant injustice. He observed, 
 that traffic was an enemy to all the liberal passions of 
 the soul, founded on the thirst of lucre, a sordid dis- 
 position to take advantage of the necessities of our 
 fellow-creatures. He affirmed, the nature of commerce 
 was such, that it could not be fixed or perpetuated, 
 but, having flowed to a certain height, would imme- 
 diately begin to ebb, and so continue till the channels 
 should be left almost dry ; but there was no instance 
 of the tide's rising a second time to any considerable 
 influx in the same nation. Meanwhile, the sudden 
 affluence occasioned by trade, forced open all the 
 sluices of luxury, and overflowed the land with every 
 species of profligacy and corruption ; a total depravity 
 of manners would ensue, and this must be attended 
 with bankruptcy and ruin. 
 
 He observed of the parliament, that the practice of 
 buying boroughs, and ca nvassing for votes, was an 
 avowed system of venality, already established on the 
 ruins of principle, integrity, faith, and good order ; in 
 consequence of which, the elected, and the elector, 
 and, in short, the whole body of the people, were 
 equally and universally contaminated and corrupted. 
 He affirmed, that of a parliament thus constituted, the
 
 36 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Crown would always have influence enough to secure 
 a great majority in its dependence, from the great 
 number of posts, places, and pensions it had to bestow ; 
 that such a parliament would, as it had already done, 
 lengthen the term of its sitting and authority, whenever 
 the prince should think, it for his interest to continue 
 the representatives ; for, without doubt, they had the 
 same right to protract their authority ad hifimtum, as 
 they had to extend it from three to seven years. With 
 a parliament, therefore, dependent upon the Crown, 
 devoted to the prince, and supported by a standing 
 army, garbled and modelled for the purpose, any king 
 of England may, and probably some ambitious sovereign 
 will, totally overthrow all the bulwarks of the consti- 
 tution ; for it is not to be supposed that a prince of a 
 high spirit will tamely submit to be thwarted in all his 
 measures, abused and insulted by a populace of un- 
 bridled ferocity, when he has it in his power to crush 
 all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of 
 the legislature. He said, he should always consider 
 the liberty of the press as a national evil, while it 
 enabled the vilest reptile to soil the lustre of the most 
 shining merit, and furnish the most infamous incendiary 
 with the means of disturbing the peace, and destroying 
 the good order of the community. He owned, how- 
 ever, that, under due restrictions, it would be a valuable 
 privilege ; but affirmed, that, at present, there was no 
 law in England sufficient to restrain it within proper 
 bounds. 
 
 With respect to juries, he expressed himself to this 
 effect: — Juries are generally composed of illiterate 
 plebeians, apt to be mistaken, easily misled, and open 
 to sinister influence ; for if either of the parties to be 
 tried can gain over one of the twelve jurors, he has 
 secured the verdict in his favour ; the juryman thus 
 brought over, will, in despite of all evidence and con-
 
 Trial by Jury 37 
 
 viction, generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued, 
 and harassed, and starved into concurrence ; in which 
 case the verdict is unjust, and the jurors are all per- 
 jured ; — but cases will often occur when the jurors are 
 really divided in opinion, and each side is convinced in 
 opposition to the other ; but no verdict will be received 
 unless they are unanimous, and they are all bound, not 
 only in conscience, but by oath, to judge and declare 
 according to their conviction. What then will be the 
 consequence ? They must either starve in company, 
 or one side must sacrifice their conscience to their con- 
 venience, and join in a verdict which they believe to 
 be false. This absurdity is avoided in Sweden, where 
 a bare majorityis sufficient; and in Scotland, where two- 
 thirds ^ of the jury are required to concur in the verdict. 
 You must not imagine that all these deductions were 
 made on his part, without contradiction on mine. No 
 — the truth is, I found myself piqued in point of 
 honour, at his pretending to be so much wiser than his 
 neighbours — I questioned all his assertions, started in- 
 numerable objections, argued and wrangled with un- 
 common perseverance, and grew very warm, and even 
 violent in the debate. Sometimes he was puzzled, and 
 once or twice, I think, fairly refuted ; but from those 
 falls he rose again, like Antaeus, with redoubled vigour, 
 till at length I was tired, exhausted, and really did 
 not know how to proceed, when luckily he dropped a 
 hint, by which he discovered he had been bred to the 
 law ; a confession which enabled me to retire from the 
 dispute with a good grace, as it could not be supposed 
 that a man like me, who had been bred to nothing, should 
 be able to cope with a veteran in his own profession. 
 I believe, however, that I shall for some time continue 
 to chew the cud of reflection upon many observations 
 which this original discharged. 
 
 ^ A mistake — a majority is sufficient in Scotland.
 
 38 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Wliether our sister Tabby was really struck with 
 his conversation, or is resolved to throw at everything 
 she meets in the shape of a man till she can fasten the 
 matrimonial noose, certain it is, she has taken desperate 
 strides towards the affection of Lismahago, who cannot 
 be said to have met her half-way, though he does not 
 seem altogether insensible to her civilities. She in- 
 sinuated more than once, how happy wc should be to 
 have his company through that part of Scotland which 
 we proposed to visit, till at length he plainly told us, 
 that his road was totally different from that which we 
 intended to take ; that, for his part, his company 
 would be of very little service to us in our progress, 
 as he was utterly unacquainted with the country, 
 which he had left in his early youth ; consequently, 
 he could neither direct us in our inquiries, nor intro- 
 duce us to any family of distinction. He said he was 
 stimulated by an irresistible impulse to revisit the 
 paternus lar, ov patr'ta domus, though he expected little 
 satisfaction, inasmuch as he understood that his nephew, 
 the present possessor, was but ill qualified to support 
 the honour of the family. He assured us, however, as 
 we designed to return by the west road, that he would 
 watch our motions, and endeavour to pay his respects 
 to us at Dumfries. Accordingly he took his leave of 
 us at a place half-way betwixt Morpeth and Alnwick, 
 and pranced away in great state, mounted on a tall, 
 meagre, raw-boned, shambling grey gelding, without 
 e'er a tooth in his head, the very counterpart of the 
 rider ; and, indeed, the appearance of the two was so 
 picturesque, that I would give twenty guineas to have 
 them tolerably represented on canvas. 
 
 Northumberland is a fine county, extending to the 
 Tweed, which is a pleasant pastoral stream ; but you 
 will be surprised when I tell you that the English side 
 of that river is neither so well cultivated nor so populous
 
 Rival Lovers 39 
 
 as the other. The farms are thinly scattered, the 
 lands unenclosed, and scarce a gentleman's seat is to 
 be seen in some miles from the Tweed ; whereas the 
 Scots are advanced in crowds to the very brink of the 
 river, so that you may reckon above thirty good houses 
 in the compass of a few miles, belonging to proprietors 
 whose ancestors had fortified castles in the same situa- 
 tions, a circumstance that shows what dangerous neigh- 
 bours the Scotch must have formerly been to the 
 northern counties of England. 
 
 Our domestic economy continues on the old footing. 
 My sister Tabby still adheres to Methodism, and had 
 the benefit of a sermon at Wesley's meeting in New- 
 castle ; but I believe the passion of love has in some 
 measure abated the fervour of devotion, both in her 
 and her woman Mrs. Jenkins, about whose good 
 graces there has been a violent contest betwixt my 
 nephew's valet, Mr. Dutton, and my man, Humphry 
 Clinker. Jerry has been obliged to interpose his 
 authority to keep the peace, and to him I have left the 
 discussion of that important affair, which had like to 
 have kindled the flames of discord in the family of, 
 yours always. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 Tiveedmouthy July I 5. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Wat, — In my two last you had so much of 
 Lismahago, that I suppose you are glad he is gone off 
 the stage for the present. I must now descend to 
 domestic occurrences. Love, it seems, is resolved to 
 assert his dominion over all the females of our family. 
 After having practised upon poor Liddy's heart, and 
 played strange vagaries with our aunt Mrs. Tabitha, 
 he began to run riot in the affections of her woman, 
 Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had occasion to
 
 40 Humphry Clinker 
 
 mention more than once in the course of our memoirs. 
 Nature intended Jenkins for something very different 
 from the character of the mistress, yet custom and 
 habit have effected a wonderful resemblance betwixt 
 them in many particulars. Win, to be sure, is much 
 younger, and more agreeable in her person ; she is 
 likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities for 
 which her mistress is by no means remarkable, no 
 more than she is for being of a timorous disposition, and 
 much subject to fits of the mother, which are the 
 infirmities of Win's constitution ; but then she seems 
 to have adopted Mrs. Tabby's manner with her cast 
 clothes. She dresses and endeavours to look like her 
 mistress, although her own looks are much more 
 engaging. She enters into her schemes of economy, 
 learns her phrases, repeats her remarks, imitates her 
 style in scolding the inferior servants, and, finally, sub- 
 scribes implicitly to her system of devotion. This, 
 indeed, she found the more agreeable, as it was in a 
 great measure introduced and confirmed by the ministry 
 of Clinker, with whose personal merit she seems to 
 have been struck ever since he exhibited the pattern of 
 his naked skin at Marlborough. 
 
 Nevertheless, though Humphry had this double 
 hank upon her inclinations, and exerted all his power 
 to maintain the conquest he had made, he found it 
 impossible to guard it on the side of vanity, where 
 poor Win was as frail as any female in the kingdom. 
 In short, my rascal Dutton professed himself her 
 admirer, and, by dint of his outlandish qualifications, 
 threw his rival Clinker out of the saddle of her heart. 
 Humphry may be compared to an English pudding, 
 composed of good wholesome flour and suet, and 
 Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth, which, though 
 agreeable to the taste, has nothing solid or substantial. 
 The traitor not only dazzled her with his second-hand
 
 'i 

 
 Valet and Maid 41 
 
 finery, but he fawned, and flattered, and cringed ; he 
 taught her to take rappee, and presented her with a 
 snufF-box of papier mache ; he supplied her with a 
 powder for her teeth ; he mended her complexion, and 
 he dressed her hair in the Paris fashion ; he undertook 
 to be her French master and her dancing master, as 
 well as friseur, and thus imperceptibly wound himself 
 into her good graces. 
 
 Clinker perceived the progress he had made, and 
 repined i n secret. He attempted to open her eyes in 
 the way of exhortation, and, finding it produced no 
 effect, had recourse to prayer. At Newcastle, while 
 he attended Mrs. Tabby to the Methodist meeting, his 
 rival accompanied Mrs. Jenkins to the play. He was 
 dressed in a silk coat, made at Paris for his former 
 master, with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished brocade ; 
 he wore his hair in a great bag, with a huge solitaire, 
 and a long sword dangled from his thigh. The lady 
 was all of a flutter with faded lutestring, washed gauze, 
 and ribbons three times refreshed, but she was most 
 remarkable for the frissure of her head, which rose, 
 like a pyramid, seven inches above the scalp, and her 
 face was primed and patched from the chin up to the 
 eyes ; nay, the gallant himself had spared neither red 
 nor white in improving the nature of his own com- 
 plexion. In this attire, they walked together through 
 the High Street to the theatre, and as they passed for 
 players, ready dressed for acting, they reached it un- 
 molested ; but as it was still light when they returned, 
 and by that time the people had got information of 
 their real character and condition, they hissed and 
 hooted all the way, and Mrs. Jenkins was all bespat- 
 tered with dirt, as well as insulted with the opprobrious 
 name oi painted Jezabel, so that her fright and mortifi- 
 cation threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she 
 came home.
 
 42 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Clinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he con- 
 sidered as the cause of her disgrace, that he upbraided 
 him severely for having turned the poor young woman's 
 brain. The other affected to treat him with contempt ; 
 and, mistaking his forbearance for want of courage, 
 threatened to horsewhip him into good manners. 
 Humphry then came to me, humbly begging I would 
 give him leave to chastise my servant for his insolence. 
 " He has challenged me to fight him at sword's point," 
 said he, "but I might as well challenge him to make a 
 horseshoe or a ploughiron, for I know no more of the 
 one than he does of the other. Besides, it does not 
 / become servants to use those weapons, or to claim the 
 privilege of gentlemen to kill one another, when they 
 fall out; moreover, I would not have his blood upon my 
 conscience for ten thousand times the profit or satisfac- 
 tion I should get by his death ; but if your honour won't 
 be angry, I'll engage to gee 'en a good drubbing, that, 
 mayhap, will do 'en service, and I'll take care it shall 
 do 'en no harm." I said, I had no objection to what 
 he proposed, provided he could manage matters so as 
 not to be found the aggressor, in case Dutton should 
 prosecute him for an assault and battery. 
 
 Thus licensed, he retired ; and that same evening 
 easily provoked his rival to strike the first blow, which 
 Clinker returned with such interest, that he was obliged 
 to call for quarter, declaring, at the same time, that he 
 would exact severe and bloody satisfaction the moment 
 we should pass the Border, when he could run him 
 through the body without fear of the consequence. 
 This scene passed in presence of Lieutenant Lisma- 
 hago, who encouraged Clinker to hazard a thrust of 
 cold iron with his antagonist. " Cold iron," cried 
 Humphry, " I shall never use against the life of any 
 human creature ; but I am so far from being afraid 
 of his cold iron, that I shall use nothing in my
 
 A Matrimonial Venture 43 
 
 defence but a good cudgel, which shall always be at 
 his service." In the meantime the fair cause of this 
 contest, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, seemed overwhelmed 
 with affliction, and Mr. Clinker acted much on the 
 reserve, though he did not presume to find fault with 
 her conduct. 
 
 The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought 
 to a very unexpected issue. Among our fellow-lodgers 
 at Berwick was a couple from London, bound to 
 Edinburgh, on the voyage of matrimony. The female 
 was the daughter and heiress of a pawnbroker deceased, 
 who had given her guardians the slip, and put herself . 
 
 under the tuition of a tall Hibernian, who had con- j"'"^ j^ 
 ducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to unite 
 them in marriage, without the formalities required by 
 the law of England. 1 know not how the lover had 
 behaved on the road, so as to decline in the favour of 
 his inamorata ; but, in all probability, Dutton per- 
 ceived a coTdfless on her side, which encouraged him 
 to whisper, it was a pity she should have cast her 
 affections upon a tailor, which he affirmed the Irishman 
 to be. This discovery completed her disgust, of 
 which my man taking the advantage, began to recom- 
 mend himself to her good graces ; and the smooth- 
 •tongued rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself 
 into the place of her heart from which the other had 
 been discarded. Their resolution was immediately 
 taken ; in the morning before day, while poor Tcague 
 lay snoring a-bcd, his indefatigable rival ordered a 
 post-chaise, and set out with the lady for Coldstream, 
 a few miles up the Tweed, where there was a parson 
 who dealt in this branch of commerce, and there tlicy 
 were noosed before the Irishman ever dreamed of the 
 matter ; but when he got up at six o'clock, and found 
 the bird was flown, he made such a noise as alarmed 
 the whole house. One of the first persons he encoun-
 
 44 Humphry Clinker 
 
 tered was the postillion returned from Coldstream, 
 where he had been witness to the marriage, and, over 
 and above a handsome gratuity, had received a bride's 
 favour, which he now wore in his cap. When the 
 forsaken lover understood they were actually married, 
 and set out for London, and that Dutton had dis- 
 covered to the lady that he (the Hibernian) was a 
 tailor, he had like to have run distracted. He tore the 
 ribbon from the fellow's cap, and beat it about his 
 ears. He swore he would pursue him to the gates of 
 hell, and ordered a post-chaise and four to be got 
 ready as soon as possible ; but recollecting that his 
 finances would not admit of this way of travelling, he 
 was obliged to countermand this order. 
 
 For my part, I knew nothing at all of what hap- 
 pened, till the postillion brought me the keys of my 
 trunk and portmanteau, which he had received from 
 Dutton, who sent me his respects, hoping I would 
 excuse him for his abrupt departure, as it was a step 
 upon which his fortune depended. Before I had time 
 to make my uncle acquainted with this event, the 
 Irishman burst into my chamber, without any intro- 
 duction, exclaiming, " By my soul, your sarvant has 
 robbed me of five thousand pounds, and I'll have satis- 
 faction, if I should be hanged to-morrow ! " When 
 I asked him who he was, " My name," said he, " is 
 Master Macloughlin, but it should be Leighlin Oneale, 
 for I am come from Ter-Owen the Great ; and so 
 I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland ; and that 
 rogue, your sarvant, said I was a tailor, which was as 
 big a lie as if he had called me the Pope. I'm a man 
 of fortune, and have spent all I had ; and so, being in 
 distress, Mr. Coshgrave, the fashioner in Suffolk 
 Street, tuck me out, and made me his own private 
 shecretary ; by the same token, I was the last he 
 bailed ; for his friends obliged him to tie himself up,
 
 A Female Iscariot 45 
 
 that he would bail no more above ten pounds ; for 
 why, becaase as how he could not refuse anybody that 
 asked, and therefore in time would have robbed him- 
 self of his whole fortune, and, if he had lived long at 
 that rate, must have died bankrupt very soon ; and so 
 I made my addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady 
 of five thousand pounds fortune, who agreed to take 
 me for better nor worse ; and, to be sure, this day 
 would have put me in possession, if it had not been for 
 that rogue your sarvant, who came like a tief, and 
 stole away my property, and made her believe I was 
 a tailor, and that she was going to marry the ninth 
 part of a man ; but the devil burn my soul, if ever I 
 catch him on the mountains of Tulloghobegly, if I 
 don't show him that I'm nine times as good a man as 
 he, or e'er a bug of his country." 
 
 When he had rung out his first alarm, T told him I 
 was sorry he had allowed himself to be so jockied, but 
 it was no business of mine, and that the fellow who 
 robbed him of his bride, had likewise robbed me of my 
 servant. " Didn't I tell you, then," cried he, " that 
 Rogue was his true Christian name; oh ! if I had but 
 one fair trust with him upon the sod, I'd give him 
 leave to brag all the rest of his life." 
 
 My uncle hearing the noise, came in, and being in- 
 formed of this adventure, began to comfort Mr. Oneale 
 for the lady's elopement, observing, that he seemed to 
 have had a lucky escape ; that it was better she should 
 elope before than after marriage. The Hibernian was 
 of a very different opinion. He said, if he had been 
 once married, she might have eloped as soon as she 
 pleased ; he would have taken care that she would not 
 have carried her fortune along with her. '* Ah 1 " 
 said he, " she's a Judas Iscariot, and has betrayed me 
 with a kiss ; and, like Judas, she carried the bag, and 
 has not left me money enough to bear my expenses
 
 46 Humphry Clinker 
 
 back, to London; and so as I am come to this pass, 
 and the rogue that was the occasion of it has left you 
 without a sarvant, you may put me in his place ; and, 
 by Jasus, it is the best thing you can do." I begged 
 to be excused, declaring I could put up with any in- 
 convenience, rather than treat as footman the descend- 
 ant of Ter-Owen the Great. I advised him to return 
 to his friend Mr. Cosgrave, and take his passage from 
 Newcastle by sea, towards which I made him a small 
 present, and he retired, seemingly resigned to his evil 
 fortune. I have taken upon trial a Scotchman, called 
 Archy M'Alpin, an old soldier, whose last master, a 
 colonel, lately died at Berwick. The fellow is old 
 and withered, but he has been recommended to me for 
 his fidelity by Mrs. Humphreys, a very good sort of a 
 woman, who keeps the inn at Tweedmouth, and is 
 much respected by all the travellers on this road. 
 
 Clinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the 
 removal of a dangerous rival, and he is too good a 
 Christian to repine at Dutton's success. Even Mrs. 
 Jenkins will have reason to congratulate herself upon 
 this event, when she coolly reflects upon the matter ; 
 for, howsoever she was forced from her poise for a 
 season, by snares laid for her vanity, Humphry is 
 certainly the north star to which the needle of her 
 affection would have pointed at the long-run ; at 
 present the same vanity is exceedingly mortified, upon 
 finding herself abandoned by her new admirer, in favour 
 of another inamorata. She received the news with a 
 violent burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit 
 of crying, and this gave the finishing blow to the 
 patience of her mistress, which had licld out beyond all 
 expectation. She now opened all those floodgates of 
 reprehension which had been shut so long. She not 
 only reproached her with her levity and indiscretion, but 
 attacked her on the score of religion, declaring roundly,
 
 National Ignorance 47 
 
 that she was in a state of apostasy and reprobation ; 
 and, finally, threatened to send her a-packing at this 
 extremity of the kingdom. All the family interceded 
 for poor Winifred, not even excepting her slighted 
 swain, Mr. Clinker, who, on his knees, implored and 
 obtained her pardon. 
 
 There was, however, another consideration that 
 gave Mrs. Tabitha some disturban:e. At Newcastle, 
 the servants had been informed by some wag, that there 
 was nothing to eat in Scotland but oatmeal and sheep- 
 heads ; and Lieutenant Lismahago being consulted, 
 what he said served rather to confirm than to refute 
 the report. Our aunt being apprised of the circum- 
 stance, very gravely advised her brother to provide 
 a sumpter-horse, with store of hams, tongues, bread, 
 biscuit, and other articles for our subsistence in the 
 course of our peregrination ; and Mr. Bramble as 
 gravely replied, that he would take the hint into con- 
 sideration ; but, finding no such provision was made, 
 she now levived the proposal, observing that there was 
 a tolerable market at Berwick, where we might be 
 supplied ; and that my man's horse would serve as 
 a beast of burden ; the squire, shrugging up his 
 shoulders, eyed her askance with a look of ineffable 
 contempt, and, after some pause, " Sister," said 
 he, " I can hardly persuade myself you are serious." 
 She was so little acquainted with the geography of the 
 island, that she imagined we could not go to Scotland 
 but by sea ; and, after we had passed through the town 
 of Berwick, when we told her we were upon Scottish 
 ground, she could hardly believe the assertion. If the 
 truth must be told, the South Britons in general are 
 wofuUy ignorant in this particular. What between 
 want of curiosity and traditional sarcasms, the effect 
 of ancient animosity, the people at the other end of 
 the island know as little of Scotland as of Japan.
 
 48 Humphry Clinker 
 
 If I had never been in Wales, I should have been 
 more struck with the manifest difference in appearance 
 betwixt the peasant and commonalty on the different 
 sides of the Tweed. The boors of Northumberland 
 / are lusty fellows, fresh-complexioned, cleanly, and 
 well clothed ; but the labourers in Scotland are gener- 
 ally lank, lean, hard-featured, sallow, soiled, and 
 shabby ; and their little pinced blue caps have a 
 beggarly effect. The cattle are much in the same 
 style with their drivers, meagre, stunted, and ill- 
 equipped. When I talked to my uncle on this subject, 
 he said, " Though all the Scottish hinds would not 
 bear to be compared witli those of the rich counties of 
 South Britain, they would stand very well in competi- 
 tion with the peasants of France, Italy, and Savoy — 
 not to mention the mountaineers of Wales, and the red- 
 shanks of Ireland." 
 
 We entered Scotland by a frightful muir of sixteen 
 miles, which promises very little for the interior parts of 
 the kingdom ; but the prospect mended as we ad- 
 vanced. Passing through Dunbar, which is a neat 
 little town, situated on the seaside, we lay at a country 
 inn, where our entertainment far exceeded our ex- 
 pectation ; but for this we cannot give the Scotch 
 credit, as the landlord is a native of England. 
 Yesterday we dined at Haddington, which has been 
 a place of some consideratton, but is now gone to decay ; 
 and in the evening arrived at this metropolis, of which 
 I can say but very little. It is very romantic, from its 
 situation on the declivity of a hill, having a fortified 
 castle at the top, and a royal palace at the bottom. 
 The first thing that strikes the nose of a stranger shall 
 be nameless; but what first strikes the eye is the un- 
 conscionable height of the houses, which generally rise 
 to five, six, seven, and eight storeys, and, in some places 
 (as I am assured), to twelve. This manner of building,
 
 Arrival in Edinburgh 49 
 
 attended with numberless inconveniences, must have 
 been originally owing to want of room. Certain it is, 
 the town seems to be full of people ; but their looks, 
 their language, and their customs, are so different from 
 ours, that I can hardly believe myself in Great Britain. 
 
 The inn at which we put up (if it may be so called) 
 was so filthy and disagreeable in all respects, that my 
 uncle began to fret, and his gouty symptoms to recur. 
 Recollecting, however, that he had a letter of re- 
 commendation to one Mr. Mitchelson, a lawyer, he 
 sent it by his servant, with a compliment, importing, 
 that he would wait upon him next day in person ; but 
 that gentleman visited us immediately, and insisted 
 upon our going to his own house, until he could 
 provide lodgings for our accommodation. We gladly 
 accepted of his invitation, and repaired to his house, 
 where we were treated with equal elegance and 
 hospitality, to the utter confusion of our aunt, whose 
 prejudices, though beginning to give way, were not yet 
 entirely removed. To-day, by the assistance of our 
 friend, we are settled in convenient lodgings, up four 
 pair of stairs, in the High Street, the fourth storey 
 being, in this city, reckoned more genteel than the 
 first. The air is, in all probability, the better ; but it 
 requires good lungs to breathe it at this distance above 
 the surface of the earth. While I do remain above it, 
 whether higher or lower, provided I breathe at all, I 
 shall ever be, dear Phillips, yours, 
 
 Edinburgh^ July 18. J. Melford. 
 
 7o Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Lewis, — That part of Scotland contiguous to 
 
 Berwick nature seems to have intended as a barrier 
 
 between two hostile nations. It is a brown desert, of 
 
 considerable extent, that produces nothing but heath 
 
 11.— 4
 
 50 Humphry Clinker 
 
 and fern ; and what rendered it tlic more dreary when 
 we passed, there was a thick fog that hindered us from 
 seeing above twenty yards from the carriage. My 
 sister began to make wry faces, and use her smelling 
 bottle, Liddy looked blank, and Mrs. Jenkins de- 
 jected ; but in a few hours these clouds were dissi- 
 pated ; the sea appeared upon our right, and on the 
 left the mountains retired a little, leaving an agreeable 
 plain betwixt them and the beach ; but, what surprised 
 us all, this plain, to the extent of several miles, was 
 covered with as fine wheat as ever I saw in the most 
 fertile parts of South Britain. This plentiful crop is 
 raised in the open field, without any enclosure, or other 
 manure than the alga marina, or sea-weed, which 
 abounds on this coast ; a circumstance which shows 
 that the soil and climate are favourable, but that 
 agriculture in this country is not yet brought to that 
 perfection which it has attained in England. En- 
 closures would not only keep the grounds warm, and 
 the several fields distinct, but would also protect the 
 crop from the high winds, which are so frequent in 
 this part of the island. 
 
 Dunbar is well situated for trade, and has a curious 
 basin, where ships of small burden may be perfectly 
 secure ; but there is little appearance of business in the 
 place. From thence, all the way to Edinburgh, there 
 is a continual succession of fine seats belonging to 
 noblemen and gentlemen ; and, as each is surrounded 
 by its own parks and plantation, they produce a very 
 pleasing effect in a country which lies otherwise open 
 and exjjoscd. At Dunbar there is a noble park, with 
 a lodge, belonging to the Duke of Roxburgh, where 
 Oliver Cromwell had his headquarters, when Leslie, 
 at the head of a Scotch army, took possession of the 
 mountains in the neighbourhood, and hampered him in 
 such a manner, that he would have been obliged to
 
 Battle of Dunbar 51 
 
 embark and get away by sea, had not the fanaticism of 
 the enemy forfeited the advantage which they had 
 obtained by their general's conduct. Their ministers, 
 by exhortation, prayer, assurance, and prophecy, in- 
 stigated them to go down and slay the Philistines in 
 Gilgal, and they quitted their ground accordingly, not- 
 withstanding all that Leslie could do to restrain the 
 madness of their enthusiasm. When Oliver saw them 
 in motion, he exclaimed, " Praised be the Lord, he 
 hath delivered them into the hands of his servant!" 
 and ordered his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving, 
 while they advanced in order to the plain, where the 
 Scotch were routed with great slaughter. 
 
 In the neighbourhood of Haddington there is a 
 gentleman's house, in the building of which, and the 
 improvements about it, he is said to have expended 
 forty thousand pounds ; but I cannot say I was much 
 pleased with either the architecture or the situation, 
 though it has in front a pastoral stream, the banks of 
 which are laid out in a very agreeable manner. I 
 intended to pay my respects to Lord Elibank, whom 
 I had the honour to know at London many years ago. 
 He lives in this part of Lothian, but was gone to the 
 north on a visit. You have often heard me mention 
 this nobleman, whom I have long revered for his 
 humanity and universal intelligence, over and above 
 the entertainment arising from the originality of his 
 character. At Musselburgh, however, I had the 
 good fortune to drink tea with my old friend Mr. 
 
 Cardonel ; and at his house I met with Dr. C , 
 
 the parson of the parish, whose humour and conversa- 
 tion inflamed me with a desire of being better acquainted 
 with his person. I am not at all surprised that these 
 Scotch make their way in every quarter of the globe. 
 
 This place is but four miles from Edinburgh, to- 
 wards which we proceeded along the seashore, upon a
 
 / 
 
 52 Humphry Clinker 
 
 firm bottom of smooth sand, which the tide had left 
 uncovered in its retreat. Edinburgh, from this avenue, 
 is not seen to much advantage : we had only an im- 
 perfect view of the casde and upper parts of the town, 
 which varied incessantly according to the inflections of 
 the road, and exhibited the appearance of detached 
 spires and turrets, belonging to some magnificent edifice 
 in ruins. The palace of Holyrood House stands on the 
 left as you enter the Canongate. This is a street con- 
 tinued from hence to the gate called the Netherbow, 
 which is now taken away ; so that there is no inter- 
 ruption for a long mile, from the bottom to the top of 
 the hill, on which the castle stands in a most imperial 
 situation. Considering its fine pavement, its width, and 
 the lofty houses on each side, this would be undoubt- 
 edly one of the noblest streets in Europe, if an ugly 
 mass of mean buildings, called the Luckcnbooths, had 
 not thrust itself, by what accident I know not, into the 
 middle of the way, like Middle Row in Holborn. 
 
 The city stands upon two hills, and the bottom 
 between them ; and, with all its defects, may very well 
 pass for the capital of a moderate kingdom. It is full 
 of people ; and continually resounds with the noise of 
 coaches and other carriages, for luxury as well as 
 commerce. As far as I can perceive, here is no want 
 of provisions. The beef and mutton are as delicate 
 here as in Wales ; the sea aflfords plenty of good fish ; 
 the bread is remarkably fine ; and the water is ex- 
 cellent, though I'm afraid not in sufficient quantity to 
 answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience ; 
 articles in which, it must be allowed, our fellow- 
 subjects are a litde defective. The water is brought 
 in leaden pipes from a mountain in the neighbourhood, 
 to a cistern on the Casde Hill, from whence it is dis- 
 tributed to public conduits in different parts of the 
 city. From these it is carried in barrels, on the backs
 
 The Capital of the North 53 
 
 of male and female porters, up two, three, four, five, 
 six, seven, and eight pair of stairs, for the use of 
 particular families. Every storey is a complete house, 
 occupied by a separate family ; and the stair being 
 common to them all, is generally left in a very filthy 
 condition ; a man must tread with great circumspection 
 to get safe housed with unpolluted shoes. Nothing 
 can form a stronger contrast than the difference be- 
 twixt the outside and inside of the door ; for the good 
 women of this metropolis are remarkably nice in the 
 ornaments and propriety of their apartments, as if they 
 were resolved to transfer the imputation from the 
 individual to the public. You are no stranger to their 
 method of discharging all their impurities from their 
 windows, at a certain h(^ur of the night, as the custom 
 is in Spain, Portugal, and some parts of France and 
 Italy ; a practice to which I can by no means be 
 reconciled ; for, notwithstanding all the care that is 
 taken by their scavengers to remove this nuisance 
 every morning by break of day, enough still remains to 
 offend the eyes, as well as the other organs of those 
 whom use has not hardened against all delicacy of 
 sensation. 
 
 The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions, 
 and are apt to imagine the disgust that we avow is 
 little better than affectation ; but they ought to have 
 some compassion for strangers, who have not been used 
 to this kind of sufferance, and consider whether it may 
 not be worth while to take some pains to vindicate them- 
 selves from the reproach that on this account they 
 bear among their neighbours. As to the surprising 
 height of their houses, it is absurd in many respects ; 
 but in one particular light I cannot view it without 
 horror ; that is, the dreadful situation of all the families 
 above, in case the common staircase should be rendered 
 impassable by a fire in the lower storeys. In order to
 
 54 Humphry Clinker 
 
 prevent the shocking consequences that must attend 
 such an accident, it would be a right measure to open 
 doors of communication from one house to another on 
 every storey, by which the people might fly from such 
 a terrible visitation. In all parts of the world wc see 
 the force of habit prevailing over all the dictates of 
 convenience and sagacity. All the people of business 
 at Edinburgh, and even the genteel company, may be 
 seen standing in crowds every day, from one to two in 
 the afternoon, in the open street, at a place where 
 formerly stood a market cross, which (by the bye) was 
 a curious piece of Gothic architecture, still to be seen 
 in Lord Somerville's garden in this neighbourhood: I 
 say, the people stand in the open street from the force 
 of custom, rather than move a few yards to an Ex- 
 change that stands empty on one side, or to the Parlia- 
 ment Close on the other, which is a noble square, 
 adorned with a fine equestrian statue of King Charles ii. 
 The company thus assembled are entertained with a 
 variety of tunes, played upon a set of bells, fixed in a 
 steeple hard by. As these bells are well toned, and 
 the musician, who has a salary from the city for play- 
 ing upon them with keys, is no bad performer, the 
 entertainment is really agreeable, and very striking to 
 the cars of a stranger. 
 
 The public inns at Edinburgh are still worse than 
 those of London ; but, by means of a worthy gentleman, 
 to whom I was recommended, we have got decent 
 lodgings in the house of a widow gentlewoman of the 
 name of Lockhart; and here I shall stay until I have 
 seen everything that is remarkable in and about this 
 capital. I now begin to feel the good effects of exer- 
 cise. I eat like a farmer, sleep from midnight till 
 eight in the morning, without interruption, and enjoy a 
 constant tide of spirits, equally distant from inanition 
 and excess ; but whatever ebbs or flows my constitu-
 
 Mrs, Jenkins' Troubles 55 
 
 tion may undergo, my heart will still declare that 
 I am, dear Lewis, 
 
 Your affectionate friend and servant, 
 Edinburgh, July i8. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall. 
 
 Dear Mary, — The squire has been so kind as to 
 rap my bit of nonsense under the kiver of his own 
 sheet. O Mary Jones ! Mary Jones ! I have had 
 trials and trembulation. God help me ! I have been 
 a vixen and a griffin these many days. Sattin has 
 had power to temp me~in the shape of van Ditton, the 
 young squire's wally-de-shamble ; but by God's grease 
 he did not purvail. I thoft as how there was no arm 
 in going to a play at Newcastle, with my hair dressed 
 in the Parish fashion ; and as for the trifle of paint, he 
 said as how my complexion wanted rouch, and so I 
 let him put it on with a little Spanish owl ; but a 
 mischievous mob of colliers, and such promiscous ribble 
 rabble, that could bare no smut but their own, attacked 
 us in the street, and called me hoar and painted Issabel, 
 and splashed my close, and spoiled me a complete set 
 of blond lace triple ruffles, not a pin the worse for the 
 ware. They cost me seven good sillings to Lady 
 Griskin's woman at London. 
 
 When I axed Mr. Clinker what they meant by 
 calling me Issabel, he put the byebill into my hand, 
 and I read of van Issabel, a painted harlot, that vas 
 thrown out of a vindorc, and the dogs came and licked 
 her blood. But I am no harlot ; and, with God's 
 blessing, no dog shall have my poor blood to lick. 
 Marry, Heaven forbid, amen ! As for Ditton, after 
 all his courting and his compliment, he stole away an 
 Irishman's bride, and took a French leave of me and 
 his master ; but I vallv not his going a farting ; but I
 
 56 Humphry Clinker 
 
 have had hanger on his account. Mistress scoulded 
 like mad ; thof I have the comfit that all the family 
 took my part, and even Mr. Clinker pleaded for me 
 on his bended knee ; thof, God he knows, he had 
 raisins enuff to complain ; but he's a good sole, abound- 
 ing with Christian meekness, and one day will meet 
 with his reward. 
 
 And now, dear Mary, we have got to Hadding- 
 borough, among the Scots, who are civil enuff for our 
 money, thof I don't speak their lingo. But they 
 should not go for to impose upon foreigners ; for the 
 bills on their houses say, they have different easements 
 to let ; and behold there is nurra geaks in the whole 
 kingdom, nor anything for pore sarvants, but a barrel 
 with a pair of tongs thrown across ; and all the chairs 
 m the family are emptied into this here barrel once a 
 day ; and at ten o'clock at night the whole cargo is 
 flung out of a back windore that looks into some street 
 or lane, and the maid calls Gardy loo to the passengers, 
 which signifies, Lord have mercy upon you ! and this 
 is done every night in every house in Haddingborough ; 
 80 you may guess, Mary Jones, what a sweet savour 
 conies from such a number of profuming pans. But 
 they say it is wholesome, and truly I believe it is ; for 
 being in the vapours, and thinking of Issabel and Mr. 
 Clinker, I was going into a fit of astericks, when this 
 fiff, saving your presence, took me by the nose so 
 powerfully, that I sneezed three times, and found my- 
 self wonderfully refreshed ; and this to be sure is the 
 raisin why there are no fits in Haddingborough. 
 
 I was likewise made believe, that there was nothing 
 to be had but out-meal and seep^ s heads ; but if I hadn't 
 been a fool, I mought have known there could be no 
 heads without karcasses. This very blessed day I 
 dined upon a delicate leg of Velsh mutton and cully- 
 flower ; and as for the oat-meal, I leave that to the
 
 The Doric Dialect 57 
 
 sarvants of the country, which are pore drudges, many 
 of them without shoes or stockings. Mr. Clinker tells 
 me here is a great call of the gospel ; but I wish, I 
 wish some of our family be not fallen off from the rite 
 way. O, if I was given to tail-baring, I have my own 
 secrets to discover. There has been a deal of haggling 
 and flurtation betwixt Mrs. and an ould Scots officer 
 called Kismycago. He looks for all the orld like the 
 scarecrow that our gardener set up to frite away the 
 sparrows ; and what will come of it the Lord nows ; 
 but come what will, it shall never be said that I men- 
 tioned a syllabub of the matter • Remember me 
 
 kindly to Saul and the kitten. I hope they got the 
 horn-buck, and will put it to a good yuse, which is 
 the constant prayer of. 
 
 Dear Molly, your loving friend, 
 Addingborough, July i8. Win. Jenkins. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon. 
 
 Dear. Phillips, — If I stay much longer at Edin- 
 burgh, I shall be changed into a downright Caledonian. 
 My uncle observes, that I have already acquired 
 something of the country accent. The people here 
 are so social and attentive in their civilities to strangers, 
 that I am insensibly sucked into the channel of their 
 manners and customs, although they are in fact much 
 \more different from ours than you can imagine. That 
 difference, however, which struck me very much at 
 my first arrival, I now hardly perceive, and my ear 
 is perfectly reconciled to the Scotch accent, which I 
 find even agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman. 
 It is a sort of Doric dialect, which gives an idea of 
 amiable simplicity. You cannot imagine how we have 
 been caressed and feasted in the good town of Edin- 
 burgh, of which we have become free denizens
 
 58 Humphry Clinker 
 
 and guild-brothers, by the special favour of the 
 magistracy. 
 
 I had a whimsical commission from Bath, to a 
 citizen of this metropolis. Quin, understanding our 
 intention to visit Edinburgh, pulled out a guinea, and 
 desired the favour I would drink it at a tavern, with a 
 particular friend and bottle companion of his, one Mr. 
 R C , a lawjfcr of this city. I charged my- 
 self with this commission, and taking the guinea, " You 
 see," said I, "I have pocketed your bounty." — "Yes," 
 replied Quin, laughing, "and a headache into the bar- 
 gain, if you drink fair." I made use of this intro- 
 duction to Mr. C , who received me with open 
 
 arms, and gave me the rendezvous, according to the 
 cartel. He had provided a company of jolly fellows, 
 among whom I found myself extremely happy ; and 
 
 did Mr. C and Quin all the justice in my power ; 
 
 but, alas ! I was no more than a tyro among a troop 
 of veterans, who had compassion upon my youth, and 
 conveyed me home in the morning, by what means I 
 know not. Quin was mistaken, however, as to the 
 headache ; the claret was too good to treat me so 
 roughly. 
 
 While Mr. Bramble holds conferences with the 
 graver literati of the place, and our females are enter- 
 tained at visits by the Scotch ladies, who are the best 
 and kindest creatures upon earth, I pass my time 
 among the bucks of Edinburgh ; who, with a great 
 share of spirit and vivacity, have a certain shrewdness 
 and self-command that is not often found among their 
 neighbours in the hey-day of youth and exultation. 
 Not a hint escapes a Scotchman that can be interpreted 
 into offence by any individual in the company ; and 
 national reflections are never heard. In this particular, 
 I must own, we are both unjust and ungrateful to the 
 Scotch ; for, as far as I am able to judge, they have a
 
 Haggis and Oatmeal 59 
 
 real esteem for the natives of South Britain ; and never 
 mention our country, but with expressions of regard. 
 Nevertheless, they are far from being servile imitators 
 of our modes and fashionable vices. All their customs 
 and regulations of public and private economy, of 
 business and diversion, are in their own style. This 
 remarkably predominates in their looks, their dress, 
 and manner, their music, and even their cookery. Our 
 squire declares, that he knows not another people upon 
 earth so strongly marked with a national character. 
 
 Now we are upon the article of cookery, I must 
 own, some of their dishes are savoury, and even 
 delicate ; but I am not yet Scotchman enough to 
 relish their singed sheep's head and haggis, which 
 were provided, at our request, one day at Mr. Mitchel- 
 son's, where we dined. The first put me in mind of 
 the history of Congo, in which I had read of negroes' 
 heads sold publicly in the markets ; the last, being a 
 mess of minced lights, livers, suet, oatmeal, onions, 
 and pepper, enclosed in a sheep's stomach, had a very 
 sudden effect upon mine, and the delicate Mrs. Tabby 
 changed colour ; when the cause of our disgust was 
 instantaneously removed at the nod of our entertainer. 
 The Scotch in general are attached to this composition 
 with a sort of national fondness, as well as to their oat- 
 meal bread ; which is presented at every table, in thin 
 triangular cakes, baked upon a plate of iron, called a 
 girdle ; and these many of the natives, even in the 
 higher ranks of life, prefer to wheatcn bread, which 
 they have here in perfection. You know we used to 
 vex poor Murray of Balliol College, by asking, it 
 there was really no fruit but turnips in Scotland. 
 Sure enough, I have seen turnips make their appear- 
 ance, not as a dessert, but by way of hors d'awvres, or 
 whets, as radishes arc served up betwixt more sub- 
 stantial dishes in France and Italy ; but it must be
 
 6o Humphry Clinker 
 
 observed, that the turnips of this country are as much 
 superior in sweetness, delicacy, and flavour, to those of 
 England, as a musk-mellon is to the stock of a common 
 cabbage. They are small and conical, of a yellowish 
 colour, with a very thin skin ; and, over and above 
 their agreeable taste, are valuable for their antiscorbutic 
 quality. As to the fruit now in season, such as 
 cherries, gooseberries, and currants, there is no want of 
 them at Edinburgh ; and in the gardens of some gentle- 
 men, who live in this neighbourhood, there is now 
 a very favourable appearance of apricots, peaches, 
 nectarines, and even grapes, nay, I have seen a very 
 fine show of pine-apples within a few miles of this 
 metropolis. Indeed, we have no reason to be sur- 
 prised at these particulars, when we consider how little 
 difference there is, in fact, betwixt this climate and 
 that of London. 
 
 All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues, 
 for ten miles around, we have visited much to our 
 satisfaction. In the castle are some royal apartments, 
 where the sovereign occasionally resided ; and here 
 are carefully preserved the regalia of the kingdom, 
 consisting of a crown, said to be of great value, a 
 sceptre, and a sword of state, adorned with jewels. 
 Of these symbols of sovereignty, the people are ex- 
 ceedingly jealous. A report being spread, during the 
 sitting of the Union parliament, that they were re- 
 moved to London, such a tumult arose, that the Lord 
 Commissioner would have been torn in pieces, if he had 
 not produced them for the satisfaction of the populace. 
 
 The palace of Holyrood House is an elegant piece 
 of architecture, but sunk in an obscure, and, as I take 
 it, unwholesome bottom, where one would imagine it 
 had been placed on purpose to be concealed. The 
 apartments are lofty, but unfurnished ; and as for the 
 pictures of the Scottish kings, from Fergus i. to
 
 Caledonian Beauties 6 1 
 
 King William, they are paltry daublings, mostly by 
 the same hand, painted either from the imagination, or 
 porters hired to sit for the purpose. All the diversions 
 of London we enjoy at Edinburgh, in a small compass. 
 Here is a well-conducted concert, in which several 
 gentlemen perform on different instruments. The 
 Scotch are all musicians. Every man you meet plays 
 on the flute, the violin, or violoncello ; and there is 
 one nobleman, whose compositions are universally 
 admired. Our company of actors is very tolerable ; 
 and a subscription is now on foot for building a new 
 theatre. But their assemblies please me above all 
 other public exhibitions. 
 
 We have been at the hunters' ball, where I was 
 really astonished to see such a number of fine women. 
 The English, who have never crossed the Tweed, 
 imagine erroneously, that the Scotch ladies are not 
 remarkable for personal attractions ; but I can declare 
 with a safe conscience, I never saw so many handsome 
 females together as were assembled on this occasion. 
 At the Leith races, the best company comes hither 
 from the remoter provinces ; so that, I suppose, we 
 had all the beauty of the kingdom concentrated as it 
 were into one focus ; which was indeed so vehement, 
 that my heart could hardly resist its power. Between 
 friends, it has sustained some damage from the bright 
 eyes of the charming Miss R — n, whom I had the 
 honour to dance with at the ball. The Countess of 
 Melville attracted all eyes, and the admiration of all 
 present. She was accompanied by the agreeable Miss 
 Grieve, who made many conquests ; nor did my sister 
 Liddy pass unnoticed in the assembly. She is become 
 a toast at Edinburgh, by the name of the Fair Cambrian, 
 and has already been the occasion of much wine-shed ; 
 — but the poor girl met with an accident at the ball, 
 which has given us great disturbance.
 
 62 Humphry Clinker 
 
 A young gentleman, the express image of that rascal 
 Wilson, went up to ask her to dance a minuet ; and 
 his sudden appearance shocked her so much, that she 
 fainted away. I call Wilson a rascal, because, if he 
 had been really a gentleman, with honourable inten- 
 tions, he would have, ere now, appeared in his own 
 character. I must own, my blood boils with indigna- 
 tion when I think of that fellow's presumption ; and 
 Heaven confound me if I don't — But I won't be so 
 womanish as to rail — Time will, perhaps, furnish 
 occasion — Thank God, the cause of Liddy's disorder 
 remains a secret. The lady-directress of the ball, 
 thinking she was overcome by the heat of the place, 
 had her conveyed to another room, where she soon 
 recovered so well, as to return and join in the country- 
 dances, in which the Scotch lasses acquit themselves 
 with such spirit and agility, as put their partners to the 
 height of their mettle. 
 
 I believe our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, had entertained 
 hopes of being able to do some execution among the 
 cavaliers at this assembly. She had been several days 
 in consultation with milliners and mantua-makers, pre- 
 paring for the occasion, at which she made her appear- 
 ance in a full suit of damask, so thick and heavy, that 
 the sight of it alone, at this season of the year, was 
 sufficient to draw drops of sweat from any man of 
 ordinary imagination. She danced one minuet with 
 our friend Mr. Mitchelson, who favoured her so far, 
 in the spirit of hospitality and politeness ; and she was 
 called out a second time by the young laird of Baly- 
 mawhaple, who, coming in by accident, could not 
 readily find any other partner ; but as the first was a 
 married man, and the second paid no particular homage 
 to her charms, which were also overlooked by the rest 
 of the company, she became dissatisfied and censorious. 
 At supper, she observed that the Scotch gentlemen
 
 Tabitha at the Ball 63 
 
 made a very good figure, when they were a little im- 
 proved by travelling ; and, therefore, it was a pity 
 they did not all take the benefit of going abroad. She 
 said the women were awkward masculine creatures ; 
 that, in dancing, they lifted their legs like so many 
 colts ; that they had no idea of graceful motion ; and 
 put on their clothes in a frightful manner; but if the 
 truth must be told. Tabby herself was the most ridi- 
 culous figure, and the worst dressed of the whole 
 assembly. The neglect of the male sex rendered her 
 malcontent and peevish ; she now found fault with 
 everything at Edinburgh, and teased her brother to 
 leave the place, when she was suddenly reconciled to 
 it on a religious consideration. There is a sect of 
 fanatics, who have separated themselves from the 
 Established Kirk, under the name of Seceders. They 
 acknowledge no earthly head of the Church, reject lay 
 patronage, and maintain the Methodist doctrines of the 
 new birth, the new light, and the efficacy of grace, the 
 insufficiency of works, and the operations of the Spirit. 
 Mrs. Tabitha, attended by Humphry Clinker, was 
 introduced to one of their conventicles, where they 
 both received much edification ; and she has had the 
 good fortune to become acquainted with a pious 
 Christian, called Mr. Moffat, who is very powerful in 
 prayer, and often assists her in private exercises of 
 devotion. 
 
 I never saw such a concourse of genteel company 
 at any races in England, as appeared on the course of 
 Leith. Hard by, in the fields called the Links, the 
 citizens of Edinburgh divert themselves at a game 
 called golf, in which they use a curious kind of bats 
 tipt with horn, and small elastic balls of leather, 
 stuffed with feathers, rather less than tennis-balls, but 
 of a much harder consistence. This they strike with 
 such force and dexterity from one hole to another,
 
 64 Humphry Clinker 
 
 that they will fly to an inciedlble distance. Of this 
 diversion the Scotch are so fond, that, when the 
 weather will permit, you may see a multitude of all 
 ranks, from the senator of justice to the lowest trades- 
 man, mingled together in their shirts, and following 
 the balls with the utmost eagerness. Among others, 
 I was shown one particular set of golfers, the youngest 
 of whom was turned of fourscore. They were all 
 gentlemen of independent fortunes, who had amused 
 themselves with this pastime for the best part of a 
 century, without having ever felt the least alarm from 
 sickness or disgust ; and they never went to bed with- 
 out having each the best part of a gallon of claret in 
 his belly. Such uninterrupted exercise, co-operating 
 with the keen air from the sea, must, without all 
 doubt, keep the appetite always on edge, and steel the 
 constitution against all the common attacks of dis- 
 temper. 
 
 The Leith races gave occasion to another entertain- 
 ment of a very singular nature. There is at Edin- 
 burgh a society or corporation of errand-boys called 
 cadies, who ply in the streets at 'lilght with paper 
 lanterns, and are very serviceable in carrying messages. 
 These fellows, though shabby in their appearance, and 
 rudely familiar in their address, are wonderfully acute, 
 and so noted for fidelity, that there is no instance of a 
 cadie's having betrayed his trust. Such is their intelli- 
 gence, that they know not only every individual of the 
 place, but also every stranger, by the time he has been 
 four-and-twenty hours in Edinburgh ; and no transac- 
 tion, even the most private, can escape their notice. 
 They are particularly famous for their dexterity in 
 executing one of the functions of Mercury ; though 
 for my own part I never employed them in this depart- 
 ment of business. Had I occasion for any service of 
 this nature, my own man Archy M'Alpin, is as well
 
 The Cadies' Banquet 65 
 
 qualified as e'er a cadie in Edinburgh ; and I am 
 much mistaken, if he has not been heretofore of their 
 fraternity. Be that as it may, they resolved to give a 
 dinner and a ball at Leith, to which they formally 
 invited all the young noblemen and gentlemen that 
 were at the races ; and this invitation was reinforced 
 by an assurance, that all the celebrated ladies of 
 pleasure would grace the entertainment with their 
 company. I received a card on this occasion, and 
 went thither with half a dozen of my acquaintance. 
 
 In a large hall, the cloth was laid on a long range 
 of tables joined together, and here the company seated 
 themselves to the number of about fourscore, lords and 
 lairds, and other gentlemen, courtezans and cadies, 
 mingled together, as the slaves and their masters were 
 in the time of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. The 
 toastmaster, who sat at the upper end, was one Cadie 
 Fraser, a veteran pimp, distinguished for his humour 
 and sagacity, well known and much respected in his 
 profession by all the guests, male and female, that 
 were here assembled. He had bespoke the dinner 
 and the wine. He had taken care that all his brethren 
 should appear in decent apparel and clean linen ; and 
 he himself wore a periwig with three tails, in honour 
 of the festival. I assure you the banquet was both 
 elegant and plentiful, and seasoned with a thousand 
 sallies, that promoted a general spirit of mirth and 
 good- humour. 
 
 After the dessert, Mr. Fraser proposed the following 
 toasts, which I don't pretend to explain: — "The best 
 in Christendom." — " Gibb's contract." — " The beg- 
 gar's benison." — " King and kirk." — "Great Britain 
 and Ireland." Then, filling a bumper, and turning to 
 me, " Mester Malford," said he, " may a' unkindness 
 cease betwixt John Bull and his sister Moggy." — The 
 next person he singled out, was a nobleman who had 
 ii.-S
 
 66 Humphry Clinker 
 
 been long abroad. "Ma lord," cried Fraser, " here 
 is a bumper to a' those noblemen who have virtue 
 enough to spend their rents in their ain coontray." 
 He afterwards addressed himself to a member of 
 
 parliament in these words : " Mester I'm sure 
 
 ye'll ha' nae objection to my drinking, Disgrace and 
 dool to ilka Scot, that sells his conscience and liis 
 vote." He discharged a third sarcasm at a person 
 very gaily dressed, who had risen from small begin- 
 nings, and made a considerable fortune at play. Filling 
 his glass, and calling him by name, " Lang life," said 
 he, "to the wylie loon that gangs afield with a toom 
 poke at his lunzie, and comes hame with a sackful o' 
 siller." All these toasts being received with loud 
 bursts of applause, Mr. Fraser called for pint glasses, 
 and filled his own to the brim. Then standing up, 
 and all his brethren following his example, " Ma lords 
 and gentlemen," cried he, " here is a cup of thanks 
 for the great and undeserved honour you have done 
 your poor errand-boys this day." So saying, he and 
 they drank off their glasses in a trice, and, quitting 
 their seats, took their station each behind one of the 
 other guests ; exclaiming, "Noo we're your honours' 
 cadies again." 
 
 The nobleman who had borf^nje the first brunt of Mr. 
 Fraser's satire, objected to his abdication. He said, 
 as the company was assembled by invitation from the 
 cadies, he expected they were to be entertained at 
 their expense. " By no means, my lord," cried 
 Fraser, *' I wadna be guilty of sic presumption for the 
 wide warld — I never affronted a gentleman since I was 
 born ; and sure, at this age, I wonnot offer an indignity 
 to sic an honourable convention." — "Well," said his 
 lordship, " as you have expended some wit, you have 
 a right to save your money. You have given me good 
 counsel, and I take it in good part. As you have
 
 Riotous Living 67 
 
 voluntarily quitted your seat, I will take your place 
 with the leave of the good company, and think myself 
 happy to be hailed, Father of the Fcast.^' He was 
 forthwith elected into the chair, and complimented in 
 a bumper in his new character. 
 
 The claret continued to circulate without interrup- 
 tion, till the glasses seemed to dance upon the table ; 
 and this, perhaps, was a hint to the ladies to call for 
 music. At eight in the evening the ball began in 
 another apartment. At midnight we went to supper ; 
 but it was broad day before I found the way to my 
 lodgings ; and, no doubt, his lordship had a swingeing 
 bill to discharge. 
 
 In short, I have lived so riotously for some weeks, 
 that my uncle begins to be alarmed on the score of my 
 constitution, and very seriously observes, that all his 
 own infirmities are owing to such excesses indulged in 
 his youth. Mrs. Tabitha says it would be more for 
 the advantage of my soul as well as body, if, instead 
 of frequenting these scenes of debauchery, I would 
 accompany Mr. Moffat and her to hear a sermon of 
 the Reverend Mr. M'Corkendale. Clinker often 
 exhorts me, with a groan, to take care of my precious 
 health ; and even Archy M'Alpin, when he happens 
 to be overtaken (which is oftener the case than I could 
 wish), reads me a long lecture upon temperance and 
 sobriety ; and is so very wise and sententious, that if 
 I could provide him with a professor's chair, I would 
 willingly give up the benefit of his admonitions and 
 service together ; for I was tutor-sick at Alma Mater 
 
 I am not, however, so much engrossed by the gaieties 
 of Edinburgh, but that I find time to make parties in 
 the family way. We have not only seen all the villas 
 and villages within ten miles of the capital, but we have 
 also crossed the Frith, wlilch is an arm of the sea seven 
 miles broad, that divides Lothian from the shire, or, as
 
 68 Humphry Clinker 
 
 the Scotch call it, The kingdom of Fife. There is a 
 number of large open sea boats that ply on this passage 
 from Leith to Kinghorn, which is a borough on the 
 other side. In one of these our whole family cm- 
 barked three days ago, excepting my sister, who, beino 
 exceedingly fearful of the water, was left to the care of 
 Mrs. Mitchelson. We had an easy and quick, passage 
 into Fife, where we visited a number of poor towns on 
 the seaside, including St. Andrews, which is the 
 skeleton of a venerable city ; but we were much better 
 pleased with some noble and elegant seats and castles, 
 of which there is a great number in that part of Scot- 
 land. 
 
 Yesterday we took boat again on our return to 
 Leith, with a fair wind and agreeable weather ; but 
 we had not advanced half-way, when the sky was 
 suddenly overcast, and the wind changing, blew 
 directly in our teeth ; so that we were obliged to turn, 
 or tack, the rest of the way. In a word, the gale 
 increased to a storm of wind and rain, attended with 
 such a fog, that we could not see the town of Leith, to 
 which we were bound, nor even the castle of Edin- 
 burgh, notwithstanding its high situation. It is not to 
 be doubted but that we were all alarmed on this 
 occasion. And, at the same time, most of the 
 passengers were seized with a nausea that produced 
 violent retchings. My aunt desired her brother to 
 order the boatmen to put back to Kinghorn, and this 
 expedient he actually proposed ; but they assured him 
 there was no danger. .Mrs. Tabitha finding them ob- 
 stinate, began to scold, and insisted upon my uncle's 
 exerting his authority as a justice of the peace. Sick 
 and peevish as he was, he could not help laughing at 
 this wise proposal, telling her, that his commission did 
 not extend so far, and, if it did, he should let the 
 people take their own way ; for he thought it would
 
 A Perilous Passage 69 
 
 be great presumption in him to direct them in the 
 exercise of their own profession. Mrs. Winifred 
 Jenkins made a general clearance, with the assistance 
 of Mr. Humphry Clinker, who joined her both in 
 prayer and ejaculation. As he took it for granted 
 that we should not be long in this world, he offered 
 some spiritual consolation to Mrs. Tabitha, who re- 
 jected it with great disgust, bidding him keep his 
 sermons for those who had leisure to hear such 
 nonsense. My uncle sat, recollected in himself, with- 
 out speaking ; my man Archy had recourse to a 
 brandy bottle, with which he made so free, that I 
 imagined he had sworn to die of drinking anything 
 rather than sea-water ; but the brandy had no more 
 effect upon him in the way of intoxication, than if it had 
 been sea- water in good earnest. As for myself, I was 
 too much engrossed by the sickness at my stomach, to 
 think of anything else. 
 
 Meanwhile, the sea swelled mountains high ; the 
 boat pitched with such violence, as if it had been going 
 to pieces ; the cordage rattled, the wind roared, the 
 lightning flashed, the thunder bellowed, and the rain 
 descended in a deluge. Every time the vessel was put 
 about, we shipped a sea that drenched us all to the 
 skin. When, by dint of turning, we thought to have 
 cleared the pier-head, we were driven to leeward, and 
 then the boatmen themselves began to fear that the 
 tide would fail before we should fetch up our lee way : 
 the next trip, however, brought us into smooth water, 
 and we were safely landed on the quay about one 
 o'clock in the afternoon. " To be sure," cried 
 Tabby, when she found herself on terra Jirma, " we 
 must all have perished, if we had not been the 
 particular care of Providence." — " Yes," replied 
 my uncle, "but I am much of the honest Highlander's 
 mind j after he had made such a passage as this, his
 
 70 Humphry Clinker 
 
 friend told him he was much indebted to Providence." 
 — " Certainly," said Donald ; " but, by my saul, mon, 
 I'ese ne'er trouble Providence again, so long as the 
 brig of Stirling stands." You must know, the brig, 
 or bridge of Stirling, stands about twenty miles up the 
 river Forth, of which this is the outlet. I don't find 
 that our squire has suffered in his health from this 
 adventure ; but poor Liddy is in a peaking way. I'm 
 afraid this unfortunate girl is uneasy in her mind ; and 
 this apprehension distracts me, for she is really an 
 amiable creature. 
 
 We shall set out to-morrow or next day for Stirling 
 and Glasgow ; and we propose to penetrate a little way 
 into the Highlands, before we turn our course to the 
 southward. In the meantime, commend me to all our 
 friends round Carfax, and believe me to be ever yours, 
 
 Edmr. Aug. 8. J. Melford. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 I should be very ungrateful, dear Lewis, if I did 
 not find myself disposed to think and speak favourably 
 of this people, among whom I have met with more 
 kindness, hospitality, and rational entertainment, in a 
 few weeks, than ever I received in any other country 
 during the whole course of my life. Perhaps the 
 gratitude excited by these benefits may interfere with 
 the impartiality of my remarks ; for a man is as apt to 
 be prepossessed by particular favours, as to be pre- 
 judiced by private motives of disgust. If I am partial, 
 there is at least some merit in my conversion from 
 illiberal prejudices which had grown up with my 
 constitution. 
 
 The first impressions which an Englishman receives 
 In this country, will not contribute to the removal of 
 his prejudices ; because he refers everything he sees
 
 Language and Law 71 
 
 to a comparison with the same articles in his own 
 country ; and this comparison is unfavourable to Scot- 
 land in all its exteriors, such as, the face of the country 
 in respect to cultivation, the appearance of the bulk of 
 the people, and the language of conversation in general,^^^ 
 I am not so far convinced by Mr. Lismahago's argu-^ 
 ments, but that I think the Scotch would do well, for / 
 their own sakes, to adopt the English idioms and 
 pronunciation ; those of them especially who are 
 resolved to push their fortunes in South Britain. I 
 know, by experience, how easily an Englishman is 
 influenced by the ear, and how apt he is to laugh, 
 when he hears his own language spoken with a foreign 
 or provincial accent. I have known a member of the 
 House of Commons speak with great energy and pre- 
 cision, without being able to engage attention, because 
 his observations were made in the Scotch dialect, 
 which (no offence to Lieutenant Lismahago) certainly 
 gives a clownish air even to sentiments of the greatest " 
 dignity and decorum. I have declared my opinion on 
 this head to some of the most sensible men of this 
 country, observing, at the same time, that if they would 
 employ a few natives of England to teach the pro- 
 nunciation of our vernacular tongue, in twenty years 
 there would be no difference, in point of dialect, 
 between the youth of Edinburgh and of London. 
 
 The civil regulations of this kingdom and metropolis 
 are taken from very different models from those of 
 England, except in a few particular establishments, 
 the necessary consequences of the Union. Their 
 college of justice is a bench of great dignity, filled 
 with judges of character and ability. I have heard 
 some causes tried before this venerable tribunal ; and 
 was very much pleased with the pleadings of their 
 advocates, who are by no means deficient either in 
 argument or elocution. The Scottish legislation is
 
 72 Humphry Clinker 
 
 founded, in a great measure, on the civil law ; con- 
 sequently, their proceedings vary from those of the 
 English tribunals ; but, I think, they have the 
 advantage of us in their method of examining wit- 
 nesses apart, and in the constitution of their jury ; by 
 which they certainly avoid the evil which I mentioned 
 in my last from Lismahago's observation. 
 
 The University of Edinburgh is supplied with ex- 
 cellent professors in all the sciences ;<iand the^medical 
 school, in particular, is famous all over Europey' The 
 students of this art have the best opportunity of learning 
 it to perfection, in all its branches, as there are different 
 courses for the theory of medicine, and the practice of 
 medicine ; for anatomy, chemistry, botany, and the materia 
 medica, over and above those of mathematics and experi- 
 mental philosophy ; and all these are given by men of 
 distinguished talents. What renders this part of 
 education still more complete, is the advantage of 
 attending the Infirmary, which is the best instituted 
 charitable foundation that I ever knew. Now we 
 are talking of charities, here are several hospitals, 
 exceedingly well endowed, and maintained under 
 admirable regulations ; and these are not only useful,- 
 but ornamental to the city. Among these, I shall 
 only mention the general workhouse, in which all the 
 poor, not otherwise provided for, are employed, 
 according to their different abilities, with such judg- 
 ment and effect, that they nearly maintain themselves 
 by their labour, and there is not a beggar to be seen 
 within the precincts of this metropolis. It was Glas- 
 gow that set the example of this establishment, about 
 thirty years ago. Even the Kirk of Scotland, so long 
 reproached with fanaticism and canting, abounds at 
 present with ministers celebrated for their learning, 
 and respectable for their moderation. I have heard 
 their sermons with equal astonishment and pleasure.
 
 A Hot-Bed of Genius 73 
 
 The good people of Edinburgh no longer think dirt 
 and cobwebs essential to the house of God. Some of 
 their churches have admitted such ornaments as would 
 have excited sedition even in England, a little more 
 than a century ago ; and psalmody is here practised 
 and taught jay a professor from the cathedral of 
 Durham, vl should not be surprised, in a few years, 
 to hear it accompanied with an organ. 
 
 Edinburgh is a hot-bed of genius. I have had the 
 good fortune to be made acquainted with many authors 
 of the first distinction ; such as the two Humes, 
 Robertson, Smith, Wallace, Blair, Ferguson, Wilkie, 
 etc., and I have found them all as agreeable in conver- 
 sation as they are instructive and entertaining in their 
 writings. These acquaintances I owe to the friendship 
 of Dr. Carlyle, who wants nothing but inclination to 
 figure with the rest upon paper. The magistracy of 
 Edinburgh is changed every year by election, and 
 seems to be very well adapted both for state and 
 authority. The Lord Provost is equal in dignity to 
 the Lord Mayor of London ; and the four Bad'ies are 
 equivalent to the rank of Aldermen. There is a Dean 
 of Gudd, who takes cognisance of mercantile affairs; 
 a Treasurer, a Town Clerk ; and the Council is com- 
 posed of Deacons, one of whom is returned every year 
 in rotation, as representative of every company of 
 artificers or handicraftsmen. 
 
 Though this city, from the nature of its situation, 
 can never be made either very convenient or very 
 cleanly, it has nevertheless an air of magnificence that 
 commands respect. The castle is an instance of the 
 sublime in site and architecture. Its fortifications are 
 kept in good order, and there is always in it a garrison 
 of regular soldiers, which is relieved every year ; but it 
 is incapable of sustaining a siege carried on according 
 to the modern operations of war. The Castle Hill,
 
 74 Humphry Clinker 
 
 which extends from the outward gate to the upper end 
 of the High Street, is used as a public walk for 
 citizens, and commands a prospect, equally extensive 
 and delightful, over the county of Fife on the other 
 side of the Frith, and all along the sea-coast, which is 
 covered with a succession of towns that would seem to 
 , indicate a considerable share of commerce ; but if the 
 y truth must be told, these towns have been falling to 
 decay ever since the Union, by which the Scotch were 
 in a great measure deprived of their trade with France. 
 The palace of Holyrood House is a jewel in archi- 
 tecture, thrust into a hollow, where it cannot be seen ; 
 a situation which was certainly not chosen by the 
 ingenious architect, who must have been confined to 
 the site of the old palace, which was a convent. 
 Edinburgh is considerably extended on the south side, 
 where there are divers little elegant squares built in the 
 English manner ; and the citizens have planned some 
 improvements on the north, which, when put in exe- 
 cution, will add greatly to the beauty and convenience 
 of this capital. 
 
 The seaport is Lcith, a flourishing town, about a 
 mile from the city, in the harbour of which 1 have 
 seen above one hundred ships lying all together. You 
 must know I had the curiosity to cross the Frith in 
 a passage-boat, and stayed two days in Fife, which is 
 remarkably fruitful in corn, and exhibits a surprising 
 number of fine seats, elegantly built and magnificently 
 furnished. There is an incredible number of noble 
 houses in every part of Scotland, that I have seen — 
 Dalkeith, Pinkie, Yester, and Lord Hopetoun's, all 
 of them within four or five miles of Edinburgh, are 
 princely palaces, in every one of which a sovereign 
 might reside at his ease. I suppose the Scotch affect 
 these monuments of grandeur. If I may be allowed 
 to mingle censure with my remarks upon a people
 
 Seats of the Nobility 75 
 
 I revere, I must observe, that their weak side seems to 
 bejvanity. I am afraid that even their hospitality is 
 not quite free of ostentation. I think I have dis- 
 covered among them uncommon pains taken to display 
 their fine linen, of which indeed they have great plenty, 
 their furniture, plate, housekeeping, and variety of 
 wines, in which article, it must be owned, they are 
 profuse, if not prodigal. A burgher of Edinburgh, 
 not content to vie with a citizen of London who has 
 ten times his fortune, must excel him in the expense as 
 well as elegance of his entertainments. 
 
 Though the villas of the Scotch nobility and gentry 
 have generally an air of grandeur and state, I think their 
 gardens and parks are not comparable to those of Eng- 
 land ; a circumstance the more remarkable, as I was 
 told by the ingenious Mr. Philip Miller of Chelsea, 
 that almost all the gardeners of South Britain were 
 natives of Scotland. The verdure of this country is 
 not equal to that of England. The pleasure-grounds 
 are, in my opinion, not so well laid out according to 
 the genius loci ; nor arc the lawns, and walks, and 
 hedges kept in such delicate order. The trees are 
 planted in prudish rows, which have not such an agree- 
 able natural effect, as when they are thrown into 
 irregular groups, with intervening glades ; and the firs, 
 which they generally raise around their houses, look 
 dull and funereal in the summer season. I must con- 
 fess, indeed, that they yield serviceable timber, and 
 good shelter against the northern blasts ; that they 
 grow and thrive in the most barren soil, and continually 
 perspire a fine balsam of turpentine, which must render 
 the air very salutary and sanative to lungs of a tender 
 texture. 
 
 Tabby and I have been both frightened in our return 
 by sea from the coast of Fife. She was afraid of 
 drowning, and I of catching cold, in consequence of
 
 76 Humphry Clinker 
 
 being drenched with sea-water ; but my fears, as well 
 as hers, have been happily disappointed. She is now 
 in perfect health ; I wish I could say the same of 
 Liddy. Something uncommon is the matter with that 
 poor child ; her colour fades, her appetite fails, and 
 her spirits flag. She is become moping and melan- 
 choly, and is often found in tears. Her brother 
 suspects internal uneasiness on account of Wilson, and 
 denounces vengeance against that adventurer. She 
 was, it seems, strongly affected at the ball by the 
 sudden appearance of one Mr. Gordon, who strongly 
 resembles the said Wilson ; but I am rather suspicious 
 that she caught cold by being overheated with dancing. 
 I have consulted Dr. Gregory, an eminent physician 
 of an amiable character, who advises the Highland 
 air, and the use of goat-milk whey, which surely can- 
 not have a bad effect upon a patient who was born and 
 bred among the mountains of Wales. The doctor's 
 opinion is the more agreeable, as we shall find those 
 remedies in the very place which I proposed as the 
 utmost extent of our expedition — I mean the borders 
 of Argyle. 
 
 Mr,t_Smollett, one of the judges of the commissary 
 court, which is now sitting, has very kindly insisted 
 upon our lodging at his country house, on the banks of 
 Loch Lomond, about fourteen miles beyond Glasgow. 
 For this last city we shall set out in two days, and take 
 Stirling in our way, well provided with recommenda- 
 tions from our friends at Edinburgh, whom, I protest, 
 I shall leave with much regret. I am so far from 
 thinking it any hardship to live in this country, that, if 
 I was obliged to lead a town life, Edinburgh would 
 certainly be the headquarters of Yours always, 
 
 Edinr. Aug. 8. Matt. Bramble.
 
 Eternal Torments 77 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon, 
 
 Dear Knight, — I am now little short of the Ultima 
 Thule, if this appellation properly belongs to the 
 Orkneys or Hebrides. These last are now lying 
 before me, to the amount of some hundreds, scattered 
 up and down the Deucaledonian sea, affording the 
 most picturesque and romantic prospect I ever beheld. 
 I write this letter in a gentleman's house, near the 
 town of Inverary, which may be deemed the capital of 
 the West Highlands, famous for nothing so much as for 
 the stately castle begun and actually covered in by the 
 late Duke of Argyle, at a prodigious expense. Whether 
 it will ever be completely finished is a question. 
 
 But, to take things in order. We left Edinburgh 
 ten days ago — and the farther north we proceed, we 
 find Mrs. Tabitha the less manageable ; so that her'} 
 inclinations are not of the nature of the loadstone — they ('' 
 point not towards the pole. What made her leave i 
 Edinburgh with reluctance at last, if we may believe 
 her own assertions, was a dispute which she left un- 
 finished with Mr. Moffat, touching the eternity of hell 
 torments. That gentleman, as he advanced in years, 
 began to be sceptical on this head, till at length he 
 declared open war against the common acceptation oi 
 the word eternal. He is now persuaded that eternal 
 signifies no more than an indefinite number of years ; 
 and that the most enormous sinner may be quit for 
 nine millions nine hundred thousand nine hundred and 
 ninety-nine years of helljire ; which term or period, as 
 he very well observes, forms but an inconsiderable drop, 
 as it were, in the ocean of eternity. For this mitiga- 
 tion he contends, as a system agreeable to the ideas of 
 goodness and mercy which we annex to the Supreme 
 Being. Our aunt seemed willing to adopt this doctrine 
 in favour of the wicked. But he hinted, that no
 
 yS Humphry Clinker 
 
 person whatever was so righteous as to be exempted 
 entirely from punishment in a future state ; and that the 
 most ]iious Christian upon earth might think himself 
 very happy to get ofi' for a fast of seven or eight thou- 
 sand years in the midst of fire and brimstone. Mrs. 
 Tabitha revolted at this dogma, which filled her at 
 once with horror and indignation. She had recourse 
 to the opinion of Humphry Clinker, who roundly 
 declared it was the popish doctrine of purgatory, and 
 quoted Scripture in defence of tht fire everlasting pre- 
 pared for the devil and his angels. The Reverend Mr. 
 M'Corkendale, and all the theologists and saints of 
 that persuasion, were consulted, and some of them had 
 doubts about the matter, which doubts and scruples had 
 begun to infect our aunt when we took our departure 
 from Edinburgh. 
 
 We passed through Linlithgow, where there was an 
 elegant royal palace, which is now gone to decay, as 
 well as the town itself. This too is pretty much the 
 case with Stirling, though it still boasts of a fine old 
 castle, in which the kings of Scotland were wont to 
 reside in their minority. But Glasgow is the pride of 
 Scotland, and indeed it might very well pass for an 
 elegant and flourishing city in any part of Christendom. 
 There we had the good fortune to be received into the 
 house of Mr. Moore, an eminent surgeon, to whom we 
 were recommended by one of our friends at Edin- 
 burgh ; and truly he could not have done us more 
 essential service. Mr. Moore is a merry, facetious 
 companion, sensible and shrewd, with a considerable 
 fund of humour ; and his wife an agreeable woman, 
 well-bred, kind, and obliging. Kindness, which I 
 take to be the essence of good nature and humanity, is 
 the distinguishing characteristic of the Scotch ladies in 
 their own country. Our landlord showed us every- 
 thing, and introduced us to all the world at Glasgow,
 
 The Pride of Scotland 79 
 
 where, through his recommendation, we were compli- 
 mented with the freedom of the town. Considering 
 the trade and opulence of this place, it cannot but 
 abound with gaiety and diversions. Here is a great 
 number of young fellows that rival the youth of the 
 capital in spirit and expense ; and I was soon convinced, 
 that all the female beauties of Scotland were not as- 
 sembled at the hunters' ball in Edinburgh. The town 
 of Glasgow flourishes in learning as well as in com- 
 merce. Here is an university, with professors in all 
 the different branches of science, liberally endowed 
 and judiciously chosen. It was vacation time when I 
 passed, so that I could not entirely satisfy my curiosity ; 
 but their mode of education is certainly preferable to 
 ours in some respects. The students are not left to the 
 private instruction of tutors, but taught in public schools 
 or classes, each science by its particular professor or 
 regent. 
 
 My uncle is in raptures with Glasgow. He not 
 only visited all the manufactures of the place, but made 
 excursions all round, to Hamilton, Paisley, Renfrew, 
 and every other place within a dozen miles, where 
 there was anything remarkable to be seen in art or 
 nature. I believe the exercise occasioned by these 
 jaunts was of service to my sister Liddy, whose appetite 
 and spirits begin to revive. Mrs. Tabitha displayed 
 her attractions as usual, and actually believed she had 
 entangled one Mr. M'Clellan, a rich inkle manufacturer, 
 in her snares ; but when matters came to an explana- 
 tion, it appeared that his attachment was altogether 
 spiritual, founded upon an intercourse of devotion at the 
 meeting of Mr. John Wesley, who, in the course of 
 his evangelical mission, had come hither in person. 
 At length we set out for tlie banks of Loch Lomond, 
 passing through the little borough of Dunibarton, or 
 (as my uncle will have it) Dunbritton, where there is
 
 8o Humphry Clinker 
 
 a castle more curious than anything of the kind I had 
 ever seen. It is honoured with a particular description 
 by the elegant Buchanan, as an arx inexpugnabills ; 
 and, indeed, it must have been impregnable by the 
 ancient manner of besieging. It is a rock, of consider- 
 able extent, rising with a double top, in an angle formed 
 by the confluence of two rivers, the Clyde and the 
 Leven, perpendicular and inaccessible on all sides, 
 except in one place where the entrance is fortified ; 
 and there is no rising ground in the neighbourhood 
 from whence it could be damaged by any kind of 
 battery. 
 
 From Dumbarton the West Highlands appear in the 
 form of huge dusky mountains, piled one over another ; 
 but this prospect is not at all surprising to a native 
 of Glamorgan. We have fixed our headquarters at 
 Cameron, a very neat country-house, belonging to 
 Commissary Smollett, where we found every sort of 
 accommodation we could desire. It is situated like a 
 Druid's temple, in a grove of oak, close by the side of 
 Loch Lomond, which is a surprising body of pure 
 transparent water, unfathomably deep in many places, 
 six or seven miles broad, four-and-twenty miles in 
 length, displaying above twenty green islands, covered 
 with wood, some of them cultivated for corn, and many 
 of them stocked with red deer. They belong lo 
 different gentlemen, whose seats are scattered along 
 the banks of the lake, which are agreeably romantic 
 beyond all conception. My uncle and I have left the 
 women at Cameron, as Mrs. Tabitha would by no 
 means trust herself again upon the water, and, to come 
 hither, it was necessary to cross a small inlet of the sea 
 in an open ferry-boat. This country appears more and 
 more wild and savage the farther we advance ; and the 
 people are as different from the Lowland Scotch, in 
 their looks, garb, and language, as the mountaineers of
 
 The Highlanders' Drink 8i 
 
 Brecknock are from the inhabitants of Hereford- 
 shire. 
 
 When the Lowlanders want to drink a cheer-upping 
 cup, they go to the public-house, called the Change 
 House, and call for a chopin of twopenny, which is a 
 thin yeasty beverage, made of malt, not quite so strong 
 as the table-beer of England. This is brought in a 
 pewter stoup, shaped like a skittle ; from whence it is 
 emptied into a quaff, that is, a curious cup made of 
 different pieces of wood, such as box and ebony, cut 
 into little staves, joined alternately, and secured with 
 delicate hoops, having two ears or handles. It holds 
 about a gill, is sometimes tipt round the mouth with 
 silver, and has a plate of the same metal at the bottom, 
 with the landlord's cypher engraved. The High- 
 landers, on the contrary, despise this liquor, and regale 
 tTiemselves with whisky, a malt spirit, as strong as 
 geneva, which they swallow in great quantities, without 
 any signs of inebriation : they are used to it from the 
 cradle, and find it an excellent preservative against the 
 winter cold, which must be extreme on these moun- 
 tains — I am told that it is given with great success to 
 infants, as a cordial, in the confluent smallpox, when 
 the eruption seems to flag, and the symptoms grow 
 unfavourable. The Highlanders are used to eat much 
 more animal food than falls to the share of their 
 neighbours in the Low Country. They delight in 
 hunting — have plenty of deer and other game, with a 
 great number of sheep, goats, and black cattle, running 
 wild, which they scruple not to kill as venison, without 
 being at much pains to ascertain the property. 
 
 Inverary is but a poor town, though it stands imme- 
 diately under the protection of the Duke of Argyle, 
 who is a mighty prince in this part of Scotland. The 
 peasants live in wretched cabins, and seem very poor ; 
 but the gentlemen are tolerably well lodged, and so 
 II.— 6
 
 \/ 
 
 82 Humphry Clinker 
 
 loving to strangers, that a man runs some risk of his 
 life from their hospitality. It must be observed, that 
 the poor Highlanders are now seen to disadvantage. 
 They have been not only disarmed by act of parliament, 
 but also deprived of their ancient garb, which was both 
 graceful and convenient ; and, what is a greater hard- 
 ship still, they are compelled to wear breeches — a 
 restraint which they cannot bear with any degree of 
 patience ; indeed, the majority wear them, not in the 
 proper place, but on poles or long staves over their 
 shoulders ; they are even debarred the use of their 
 striped stuff, called Tartan, which was their own 
 manufacture, prized by them above all the velvets, 
 brocades, and tissues of Europe and Asia. They now 
 lounge along in loose greatcoats, of coarse russet, 
 equally mean and cumbersome, and betray manifest 
 marks of dejection. Certain it is, the government 
 could not have taken a more effectual method to break 
 their national spirit. 
 
 We have had princely sport in hunting the stag on 
 these mountains. These are the lonely hills of Morvcn, 
 where Fingal and his heroes enjoyed the same pastime. 
 I feel an enthusiastic pleasure when I survey the brown 
 heath that Ossian was wont to tread ; and hear the 
 wind whistle through the bending grass. When I 
 enter our landlord's hall, I look for the suspended harp 
 of that divine bard, and listen in hopes of hearing the 
 aerial sound of his respected spirit. The poems of 
 Ossian are in every mouth. A famous antiquarian of 
 this country, the Laird of M'Farlanc, at whose house 
 we dined a few days ago, can repeat them all in the 
 original Gaelic, which has a great affinity to the Welsh, 
 not only in the general sound, but also in a great 
 number of radical words ; and I make no doubt but 
 that they are both sprung from the same origin. I was 
 not a little surprised, when asking a Highlander one
 
 Scottish Patronymics 83 
 
 day, if he knew where we should find any game ? he 
 replied, " Hu niel Sassenagh" which signifies. No 
 English ; the very same answer I should have received 
 from a Welshman, and almost in the same words. 
 The Highlanders have no other name for the people of 
 the Low Country but Sassenagh, or Saxons ; a strong 
 presumption that the Lowland Scotch and the English 
 are derived from the same stock. The peasants of 
 these hills strongly resemble those of Wales in their 
 looks, their manners, and habitations ; everything I 
 see, and hear, and feel, seems Welsh — the mountains, 
 vales, and streams ; the air and climate ; the beef, 
 mutton, and game are all Welsh. It must be owned, 
 however, that this people are better provided than we 
 are in some articles — they have plenty of red deer and 
 roebuck, which are fat and delicious at this season of 
 the year. Their sea teems with amazing quantities of 
 the finest fish in the world ; and they find means to 
 procure very good claret at a very small expense. 
 
 Our landlord is a man of consequence in this part of 
 the country ; a cadet from the family of Argyle, and 
 hereditary captain of one of his castles — his name, in 
 plain English, is Dougal Campbell ; but as there is a 
 great number of the same appellation, they are dis- 
 tinguished (like the Welsh) by patronymics; and as 
 I have known an ancient Briton called Madoc ap- 
 Morgan, ap-Jenkin, ap-Jones, our Highland chief 
 designs himself Dou'l Mac-amish, mac-'oul ich-Ian, 
 signifying Dougal, the son of James, the son of Dougal, 
 the son of John. He has travelled in the course of 
 his education, and is disposed to make certain altera- 
 tions in his domestic economy ; but he finds it im- 
 possible to abolish the ancient customs of the family ; 
 some of which are ludicrous enough. His piper, for ' 
 example, who is an hereditary officer of the household, 
 will not part with the least particle of his privileges.
 
 84 Humphry Clinker 
 
 f\ f^ytie has a right to wear the kilt, or ancient Highland 
 ^ dress, with the purse, pistol, and dirk — a broad yellow 
 ribbon, fixed to the chanter-pipe, is thrown over his 
 shoulder, and trails along the ground, while he per- 
 forms the functions of his minstrelsy ; and this, I 
 suppose, is analogous to the pennon or flag, which was 
 formerly carried before every knight in battle. He 
 plays before the laird every Sunday in this way to the 
 kirk, which he circles three times, performing the 
 family march, which implies defiance to all the enemies 
 of the clan ; and every morning he plays a full hour by 
 the clock, in the great hall, marching backwards and 
 forwards all the time, with a solemn pace, attended 
 by the laird's kinsmen, who seem much delighted 
 with the music. In this exercise he indulges them 
 with a number of pibrochs or airs, suited to the 
 different passions which he would either excite or 
 assuage. 
 
 Mr. Campbell himself, who performs very well on 
 the violin, has an invincible antipathy to the sound of 
 the Highland bagpipe, which sings in the nose with a 
 most alarming twang, and, indeed, is quite intolerable 
 to ears of common sensibility, when aggravated by the 
 echo of a vaulted hall. He, therefore, begged the 
 piper would have some mercy upon him, and dispense 
 with this part of the morning service. A consultation 
 of the clan being held on this occasion, it was unani- 
 mously agreed, that the laird's request could not be 
 ^ granted, without a dangerous encroachment upon the 
 customs of the family. The piper declared he could 
 not give up for a moment the privilege he derived from 
 his ancestors; nor would the laird's relations forego 
 an entertainment which they valued above all others. 
 There was no remedy ; Mr. Campbell being obliged 
 to acquiesce, is fain to stop his ears with cotton, to 
 fortify his head with three or four nightcaps, and every
 
 The Laird's Vassals 85 
 
 morning retire into the penetralia of his habitation, in 
 order to avoid this diurnal annoyance. 
 
 When the music ceases, he produces himself at an 
 open window that looks into the courtyard, which is by 
 this time filled with a crowd of his vassals and depend- 
 ents, who worship his first appearance, by uncovering 
 their heads, and bowing to the earth with the most 
 humble prostration. As all these people have some- 
 thing to communicate in the way of proposal, complaint, 
 or petition, they wait patiently till the laird comes 
 forth, and, following him in his walks, are favoured 
 each with a short audience in his turn. Two days 
 ago, he despatched above an hundred different solici- 
 tors, in walking with us to the house of a neighbouring 
 gendeman, where we dined by invitation. Our land- 
 lord's housekeeping is equally rough and hospitable, 
 and savours much of the simplicity of ancient times. 
 The great hall, paved with flat stones, is about forty- 
 five feet by twenty- two, and serves not only for a 
 dining-room, but also for a bedchamber to gentlemen- 
 dependents and hangers-on of the family. At night 
 half a dozen occasional beds are ranged on each side 
 along the wall. These are made of fresh heath, 
 pulled up by the roots, and disposed in such a manner 
 as to make a very agreeable couch, where they lie, 
 without any other covering than the plaid. My uncle 
 and I were indulged with separate chambers and down 
 beds, which we begged to exchange for a layer of 
 heath ; and, indeed, I never slept so much to my 
 satisfaction. It was not only soft and elastic, but the 
 plant, being in flower, diflTused an agreeable fragrance, 
 which is wonderfully refreshing and restorative. 
 
 Yesterday we were invited to the funeral of an old 
 lady, the grandmother of a gentleman in this neighbour- 
 hood, and found ourselves in the midst of fifty people, 
 who were regaled with a sumptuous feast, accompanied
 
 86 Humphry Clinker 
 
 with the music of a dozen pipers. In short, this meet- 
 ing had all the air of a grand festival ; and the guests 
 did such honour to the entertainment, that many of 
 them could not stand when they were reminded of the 
 business on which we had met. The company forth- 
 with taking horse, rode in a very irregular cavalcade to 
 the place of interment, a church, at the distance of two 
 long miles from the castle. On our arrival, however, 
 we found we had committed a small oversight in 
 leaving the corpse behind ; so that we were obliged to 
 wheel about and met the old gentlewoman half-way, 
 carried upon poles by the nearest relations of her 
 family, and attended by the coronach, composed of a 
 multitude of old hags, who tore their hair, beat their 
 breasts, and howled most hideously. At the grave the 
 orator or senachie pronounced the panegyric of the 
 defunct, every period being confirmed by a yell of the 
 coronach. The body was committed to the earth, 
 the pipers playing a pibroch all the time, and all the 
 company standing uncovered. The ceremony was 
 closed with the discharge of pistols ; then we returned 
 to the castle, resumed the bottle, and by midnight 
 there was not a sober person in the family, the females 
 excepted. The squire and I were, with some difficulty, 
 permitted to retire with the landlord in the evening ; 
 but our entertainer was a little chagrined at our retreat ; 
 and afterwards seemed to think it a disparagement to 
 his family, that not above an hundred gallons of whisky 
 had been drank upon such a solemn occasion. 
 
 This morning we got up by four, to hunt the roe- 
 buck, and, in half an hour, found breakfast ready served 
 in the hall. The hunters consisted of Sir George 
 Colquhoun and me, as strangers, (my uncle not choos- 
 ing to be of the party,) of the lalrcl in person, the laird^s 
 brother, the laird's brother s son, the laird's sister's son, 
 the laird's father's brother's son, and all their foster 

 
 A Hunters' Repast 87 
 
 brothers, who are counted parcel of the family. But 
 we were attended by an infinite number of Gaellys, or 
 ragged Highlanders, without shoes or stockings. 
 
 The following articles formed our morning's repast : 
 — One kit of boiled eggs ; a second, full of butter ; a 
 third, full of cream ; an entire cheese made of goats* 
 milk ; a large earthen pot, full of honey ; the best 
 part of a ham ; a cold venison pasty ; a bushel of oat- 
 meal, made in thin cakes and bannocks, with a small 
 wheaten loaf in the middle for the strangers ; a large 
 stone bottle full of whisky, another of brandy, and a 
 kilderkin of ale. There was a ladle chained to the 
 cream-kit, with curious wooden bickers, to be filled 
 from this reservoir. The spirits were drank out of a 
 silver quaff, and the ale out of horns : great justice was 
 done to the collation by the guests in general ; one of 
 them, in particular, ate above two dozen of hard eggs, 
 with a proportionable quantity of bread, butter, and 
 honey ; nor was one drop of liquor left upon the board. 
 Finally, a large roll of tobacco was presented by way 
 of dessert, and every individual took a comfortable 
 quid, to prevent the bad effects of the morning air. 
 We had a fine chase over the mountains, after a roe- 
 buck, which we killed, and I got home time enough to 
 drink tea with Mrs. Campbell and our squire. To- 
 morrow we shall set out on our return for Cameron. 
 We propose to cross the Frith of Clyde, and take the 
 towns of Greenock and Port- Glasgow in our way. 
 This circuit being finished, we shall turn our faces to 
 the south, and follow the sun with augmented velocity, 
 in order to enjoy the rest of the autumn in England, 
 where Boreas is not quite so biting, as he begins already 
 to be on the tops of these northern hills. But our 
 progress from place to place shall continue to be 
 specified in these detached journals of yours always, 
 
 /Irgyleshire, Sept. 3. J. Melford.
 
 88 Humphry Clinker 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Dick, — About a fortnight is now elapsed 
 since we left the capital of Scotland, directing our 
 course towards Stirling, where we lay. The castle 
 of this place is such another as that of Edinburgh, and 
 affords a surprising prospect of the windings of the 
 river Forth, which are so extraordinary, that the 
 distance from hence to Alloa, by land, is but four 
 miles, and by water it is twenty-four. Alloa is a neat 
 thriving town, that depends, in a great measure, on the 
 commerce of Glasgow, the merchants of which send 
 hither tobacco, and other articles, to be deposited in 
 warehouses for exportation from the Frith of Forth. 
 In our way hither we visited a flourishing ironwork, 
 where, instead of burning wood, they use coal, which 
 they have the art of clearing in such a manner as frees 
 it from the sulphur, that would otherwise render the 
 metal too brittle for working. Excellent coal is found 
 in almost every part of Scotland. 
 
 The soil of this district produces scarce any other 
 grain but oats and barley ; perhaps, because it is poorly 
 cultivated, and almost altogether unenclosed. The 
 few enclosures they have consist of paltry walls of loose 
 stones gathered from the fields, which indeed they 
 cover, as if they had been scattered on purpose. 
 When I expressed my surprise that the peasants did 
 not disencumber their grounds of these stones, a gentle- 
 man, well acquainted with the theory as well as 
 practice of farming, assured me that the stones, far 
 from being ])rejudicial, were serviceable to the crop. 
 This philosopher had ordered a field of his own to be 
 cleared, manured, and sown with barley, and the pro- 
 duce was more scanty than before. He caused the 
 stones to be replaced, and next year the crop was 
 as good as ever. The stones were removed a second
 
 Observations on Agriculture 89 
 
 time, and the harvest failed ; they were again brought 
 back, and the ground retrieved its fertility. The same 
 experiment has been tried in different parts of Scotland 
 with the same success. Astonished at this information, 
 I desired to know in what manner he accounted for 
 this strange phenomenon ; and he said, there were 
 three ways in which the stones might be serviceable. 
 They might possibly restrain an excess in the perspira- 
 tion of the earth, analogous to colliquative sweats, by 
 which the human body is sometimes wasted and con- 
 sumed. They might act as so many fences to protect 
 the tender blade from the piercing winds of the spring ; 
 or, by multiplying the reflection of the sun, they might 
 increase the warmth, so as to mitigate the natural chill- 
 ness of the soil and climate. But surely this excessive 
 perspiration might be more effectually checked by 
 different kinds of manure, such as ashes, lime, chalk, 
 or marl, of which last it seems there are many pits in this 
 kingdom. As for the warmth, it would be much more 
 equally obtained by enclosures ; one half of the ground 
 which is now covered would be retrieved ; the cultiva- 
 tion would require less labour ; and the ploughs, har- 
 rows, and horses would not suffer half the damage 
 which they now sustain. 
 
 These north-western parts are by no means fertile in 
 corn. The ground is naturally barren and moorish. 
 The peasants are poorly lodged, meagre in their looks, 
 mean in their apparel, and remarkably dirty. This 
 last reproach they might easily wash off, by means of 
 those lakes, rivers, and rivulets of pure water, with 
 which they are so liberally supplied by nature. 
 Agriculture cannot be expected to flourish where 
 the farms are small, the leases short, and the husband- 
 man begins upon a rack-rent, without a sufficient stock 
 to answer the purposes of improvement. The granaries 
 of Scotland are the banks of the Tweed, the counties 
 
 /
 
 90 Humphry Clinker 
 
 of East and Mid Lothian, the Carse of Gowrie, in 
 Perthshire, equal in fertility to any part of England, 
 and some tracts in Aberdeenshire and Moray, where I 
 am told the harvest is more early than in Northumber- 
 land, although they lie above two degrees farther north. 
 I have a strong curiosity to visit many places beyond the 
 Forth and the Tay, such as Perth, Dundee, Montrose, 
 and Aberdeen, which are towns equally elegant and 
 thriving ; but the season is too far advanced to admit 
 of this addition to my original plan. 
 
 I am so far happy as to have seen Glasgow, which, 
 to the best of my recollection and judgment, is one of 
 the prettiest towns in Europe ; and, without all doubt, 
 it is one of the most flourishing in Great Britain. In 
 short, it is a perfect bee-hive in point of industry. It 
 stands partly on a gentle declivity ; but the greatest 
 part of it is in a plain, watered by the river Clyde. 
 The streets are straight, open, airy, and well paved ; 
 and the houses lofty and well built of hewn stone. At 
 the upper end of the town, there is a venerable cathe- 
 dral, that may be compared with York Minster or 
 Westminster ; and about the middle of the descent 
 from this to the cross is the College, a respectable pile 
 of building, with all manner of accommodation for the 
 professors and students, including an elegant library, 
 and an observatory well provided with astronomical 
 instruments. The number of inhabitants is said to 
 amount to thirty thousand ; and marks of opulence and 
 independency appear in every quarter of this com- 
 mercial city, which, however, is not without its incon- 
 veniences and defects. The water of their public 
 pumps is generally hard and brackish, an imperfection 
 the less excusable, as the river Clyde runs by their 
 doors, in the lower part of the town ; and there are 
 rivulets and springs above the cathedral, sufficient to 
 fill a large reservoir with excellent water, which might
 
 Glasgow Merchants 91 
 
 be thence distributed to all the different parts of the 
 city. It is of more consequence to consult the health 
 of the inhabitants in this article than to employ so 
 much attention in beautifying their town with new 
 streets, squares, and churches. Another defect, not 
 so easily remedied, is the shallowness of the river, 
 which will not float vessels of any burden within ten 
 or twelve miles of the city ; so that the merchants are 
 obliged to load and unload their ships at Greenock 
 and Port-Glasgow, situated about fourteen miles nearer 
 the mouth of the Frith, where it is about two miles 
 broad. 
 
 The people of Glasgow have a noble spirit of enter- 
 prise. Mr. Moore, a surgeon, to whom I was recom- 
 mended from Edinburgh, introduced me to all the 
 principal merchants of the place. Here I became 
 acquainted with Mr. Cochran, who may be styled one 
 of the sages of this kingdom. He was first magis- 
 trate at the time of the last rebellion. I sat as mem- 
 ber when he was examined in the House of Commons ; 
 
 upon which occasion Mr. P observed he had 
 
 never heard such a sensible evidence given at that bar. 
 I was also introduced to Dr. John Gordon, a patriot 
 of a truly Roman spirit, who is the father of the linen 
 manufacture in this place, and was the great promoter 
 of the city workhouse, infirmary, and other works of 
 public utility. Had he lived in ancient Rome, he would 
 have been honoured with a statue at the public expense. 
 I moreover conversed with one Mr. G — ss — d, whom 
 I take to be one of the greatest merchants in Europe. 
 In the last war, he is said to have had at one time 
 five-and-twenty ships, with their cargoes, his own 
 property, and to have traded for above half a million 
 sterling a year. The last war was a fortunate period 
 for the commerce of Glasgow. The merchants, con- 
 sidering that their shijis bound for America, launching
 
 92 Humphry Clinker 
 
 out at once into the Atlantic by the north of Ireland, 
 pursued a track very little frequented by privateers, 
 resolved to ensure one another, and saved a very con- 
 siderable sum by this resolution, as few or none ot 
 their ships were taken. 
 
 You must know I have a sort of national attachment 
 to this part of Scotland. The great church dedicated 
 to St. Mongah, the river Clyde, and, among other 
 particulars, that smack of our Welsh language and 
 customs, contribute to flatter me with the notion, that 
 these people are the descendants of the Britons, who 
 once possessed this country. Without all question, 
 this was a Cumbrian kingdom. Its capital was Dum- 
 barton (a corruption of Dunbritton), which still exists 
 as a royal borough, at the influx of the Clyde and 
 Leven, ten miles below Glasgow. The same neigh- 
 bourhood gave birth to St. Patrick, the apostle of 
 Ireland, at a place where there is still a church and 
 village, which retain his name. Hard by are some 
 vestiges of the famous Roman wall, built in the reign 
 of Antonine, from the Clyde to the Forth, and fortified 
 with castles to restrain the incursions of the Scotch or 
 Caledonians, who inhabited the West Highlands. In 
 a line parallel to this wall, the merchants of Glasgow 
 have determined to make a navigable canal betwixt the 
 two friths, which will be of incredible advantage to 
 their commerce, in transporting merchandise from one 
 side of the island to the other. 
 
 From Glasgow we travelled along the Clyde, which 
 is a delightful stream, adorned on both sides with 
 villas, towns, and villages. Here is no want of 
 groves and meadows, and cornfields interspersed ; but 
 on this side of Glasgow there is little other grain than 
 oats and barley ; the first are much better, the last 
 much worse, tkm those of the same species in England. 
 I wonder there is so little rye, which is a grain that
 
 Along the Clyde 93 
 
 will thrive in almost any soil ; and it is still more sur- 
 prising, that the cultivation of potatoes should be so 
 much neglected in the Highlands, where the poor 
 people have not meal enough to supply them with 
 bread through the winter. On the other side of the 
 river are the towns of Paisley and Renfrew. The 
 first, from an inconsiderable village, is become one of 
 the most flourishing places of the kingdom, enriched 
 by the linen, cambric, flowered lawn, and silk manu- 
 factures. It was formerly noted for a rich monastery 
 of the monks of Clugny, who wrote the famous Scot'i- 
 Chron'icon, called The Black Book of Paisley. The 
 old abbey still remains, converted into a dwelling- 
 house, belonging to the Earl of Dundonald. Renfrew 
 is a pretty town, on the banks of Clyde, capital ot 
 the shire, which was heretofore the patrimony of the 
 Stuart family, and gave the title of baron to the king's 
 eldest son, which is still assumed by the Prince of 
 Wales. 
 
 The Clyde we left a little on our left hand at Dun- 
 britton, where it widens into an estuary or frith, being 
 augmented by the influx of the Lcven. On this spot 
 stands the castle formerly called Alcluyd, washed by 
 these two rivers on all sides, except a narrow isthmus, 
 which at every spring-tide is overflowed. The whole 
 is a great curiosity, from the quality and form of the 
 rock, as well as from the nature of its situation. We 
 now crossed the water of Leven, which, though 
 nothing near so considerable as the Clyde, is much 
 more transparent, pastoral, and delightful. This 
 charming stream is the outlet of Loch Lomond, and 
 through a track of four miles pursues its winding 
 course, murmuring over a bed of pebbles, till it joins 
 the fritli at Dunbritton. A very little above its source, 
 on the lake, stands the house of Cameron, belonging 
 to Mr. Smollett, so embosomed in an oak wood, that
 
 94 Humphry Clinker 
 
 we did not see it till wc were within fifty yards of the 
 door. 
 
 I have seen the Lago di Gardi, Albano, I)e Vice, 
 Bolsena, and Geneva, and, upon my honour, I prefer 
 Loch Lomond to them all ; a preference which is 
 certainly owing to the verdant islands that seem to 
 float upon its surface, affording the most enchanting 
 objects of repose to the excursive view. Nor are the 
 banks destitute of beauties, which even partake of the 
 sublime. On this side they display a sweet variety of 
 woodland, cornfield, and pasture, with several agree- 
 able villas emerging as it were out of the lake, till, at 
 some distance, the prospect terminates in huge moun- 
 tains, covered with heath, which, being in the bloom, 
 affords a very rich covering of purple. Everything 
 
 ■/ here is romantic beyond imagination. This country is 
 justly styled the Arcadia of Scotland ; and I don't 
 doubt but it may vie with Arcadia in everything but 
 climate. I am sure it excels it in verdure, wood, 
 and water. What say you to a natural bason of pure 
 water, near thirty miles long, and in some places seven 
 miles broad, and in many above an hundred fathoms 
 deep, having four-and-twenty habitable islands, some 
 of them stocked with deer, and all of them covered 
 with wood ; containing immense quantities of delicious 
 fish, salmon, pike, trout, perch, flounders, eels, and 
 powans, the last a delicate kind of fresh-water herring 
 peculiar to this lake ; and, finally, communicating with 
 the sea, by sending off the Leven, through which all 
 those species (except the powan) make their exit and 
 entrance occasionally ! 
 
 Enclosed I send you the copy of a little ode to this 
 
 '^ river, by Dr. Smollett, who was born on the banks of 
 it, within two miles of the place where I am now 
 writing. It is at least picturesque and accurately 
 descriptive, if it has no other merit. There is an idea
 
 Dr. Smollett's Ode 95 
 
 of truth, in an agreeable landscape taken from nature, 
 which pleases me more than the gayest fiction which 
 the most luxuriant fancy can display. 
 
 I have other remarks to make ; but as my paper is 
 full, I must reserve them till the next occasion. I 
 shall only observe at present, that I am determined to 
 penetrate at least forty miles into the Highlands, 
 which now appear like a vast fantastic vision in the 
 clouds, inviting the approach of, yours always, 
 
 Cameron, Aiiv. 28. Matt. Bramrlk. 
 
 ODE TO LEVEN WATER 
 
 On Leven's banks, while free to rove, 
 And tune the rural pipe to love, 
 I envied not the happiest swain 
 That ever trode th' Arcadian plain. 
 
 Pure stream ! in whose transparent wave 
 
 My youthful limbs I wont to lave ; 
 
 No torrents stain thy limpid source ; 
 
 No rocks impede thy dimpling course, 
 
 That sweetly warbles o'er its bed, 
 
 With white, round, polish'd pebbles spread 
 
 While, lightly pois'd, the scaly brood 
 
 In myriads cleave thy crystal flood ; 
 
 The springing trout in speckled pride ; 
 
 The salmon, monarch of the tide; 
 
 The ruthless pike, intent on war; 
 
 The silver eel, and mottled par.i 
 
 Devolving from thy parent lake, 
 A charming maze thy waters make. 
 By bowTS of birch, and groves of pine. 
 And hedges flower'd with eglantine. 
 Still on thy bank, so gaily green. 
 May num'rous herds and flocks be seen. 
 And lasses chanting o"cr the pail. 
 And shepherds piping in tlie dale, 
 
 1 The par is a small fish, not unlike the smelt, which it 
 rivals in delicacy and flavour.
 
 96 Humphry Clinker 
 
 And ancient faith that knows no guile, 
 And industry embrown'd with toil, 
 And hearts resolv'd, and hands prepar'd, 
 The blessings they enjoy to guard. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Doctor, — If I was disposed to be critical, I 
 should say this house of Cameron is too near the lake, 
 which approaches on one side to within six or seven 
 yards of the window. It might have been placed in a 
 higher site, which would have afforded a more exten- 
 sive prospect and a drier atmosphere ; but this imper- 
 fection is not chargeable on the present proprietor, 
 who purchased it ready built, rather than be at the 
 trouble of repairing his own family house at Bonhill, 
 which stands two miles from hence on the Leven, so 
 surrounded with plantation, that it used to be known 
 by the name of the Mavis (or thrush) Nest. Above 
 that house is a romantic glen or cleft of a mountain, 
 covered with hanging woods, having at bottom a stream 
 of fine water that forms a number of cascades in its 
 descent to join the Leven ; so that the scene is quite 
 enchanting. A captain of a man-of-war, who had 
 made the circuit of the globe with Mr. Anson, being 
 conducted to this glen, exclaimed, " Juan Fernandez, 
 by G— d ! " 
 
 Indeed, this country would be a perfect paradise, 
 if it was not, like Wales, cursed with a weeping 
 climate, owing to the same causes in both, the neigh- 
 bourhood of high mountains, and a westerly situation, 
 exposed to the vapours of the Atlantic Ocean. This 
 air, however, notwithstanding its humidity, is so 
 / healthy, that the natives are scarce ever visited by any 
 other disease than the smallpox, and certain cutaneous 
 evils, which arc the effects of dirty living, the great
 
 A Venerable Druid 97 
 
 and general reproach of the commonalty of this king- 
 dom. Here are a great many living monuments of 
 longevity, and, among the rest, a person whom I treat 
 with singular respect, as a venerable Druid, who has 
 lived near ninety years, without pain or sickness, 
 among oaks of his own planting. He was once pro- 
 prietor of these lands ; but, being of a projecting spirit, 
 some of his schemes miscarried, and he was obliged to 
 part with his possession, which hath shifted hands two 
 or three times since that period ; but every succeed- 
 ing proprietor hath done everything in his power to 
 make his old age easy and comfortable. He has a 
 sufficiency to procure the necessaries of life ; and he 
 and his old woman reside in a small convenient farm- 
 house, having a little garden which he cultivates with 
 his own hands. This ancient couple live in great 
 health, peace, and harmony, and, knowing no wants, 
 enjoy the perfection of content. Mr. Smollett calls 
 him the admiral, because he insists upon steering his 
 pleasure-boat upon the lake ; and he spends most of 
 his time in ranging through the woods, which he 
 declares he enjoys as much as if they were still his 
 own property. I asked him the other day, if he was 
 never sick ? and he answered. Yes ; he had a slight 
 fever the year before the Union. If he was not deaf, 
 I should take much pleasure in his conversation ; for 
 he is very intelligent, and his memory is surprisingly 
 retentive. These are the happy effects of temperance, 
 exercise, and good-nature. 
 
 Notwithstanding all his innocence, however, he was 
 the cause of great perturbation to my man Clinker, 
 whose natural superstition has been much injured by 
 the histories of witches, fairies, ghosts, and goblins, ' 
 which he has heard in this country. On the evening 
 after our arrival, Humphry strolled into the wood in 
 the course of his meditation, and all at once the admiral 
 II.— 7
 
 98 Humphry Clinker 
 
 stood before him, under the shadow of a spreading oak. 
 Though the fellow is far from being timorous in cases 
 that are not supposed ^J ietern^t^ ral, he could not stand 
 the sight of this apparition, out ran mto the kitchen, with 
 his hair standing on end, staring wildly, and deprived of 
 utterance. Mrs. Jenkins, eeeing him in this condition, 
 screamed aloud, " Lord have mercy upon us, he has 
 seen something ! " Mrs. Tabitha was alarmed, and 
 the whole house in confusion. When he was recruited 
 with a dram, I desired him to explain the meaning of 
 all this agitation ; and, with some reluctance, he owned 
 he had seen a spirit, in the shape of an old man with a 
 white beard, a black cap, and a plaid night-gown. He 
 was undeceived by the admiral in person, who coming 
 in at this juncture, appeared to be a creature of real 
 flesh and blood. 
 
 Do you know how we fare in this Scottish paradise ? 
 We make free with our landlord's mutton, which is 
 excellent, his poultry-yard, his garden, his dairy, and 
 his cellar, which are all well stored. We have delicious 
 salmon, pike, trout, perch, par, etc. at the door, for the 
 taking. The Frith of Clyde, on the other side of 
 the hill, supplies us with mullet, red and grey, cod, 
 mackerel, whiting and a variety of sea fish, including 
 the finest herrings I ever tasted. We have sweet juicy 
 beef, and tolerable veal, with delicate bread, from the 
 little town of Dunbritton ; and plenty of partridge, 
 grouse, heathcock, and other game in presents. 
 
 We have been visited by all the gentlemen in the 
 neighbourhood, and they have entertained us at their 
 houses, not barely with hospitality, but with such marks 
 of cordial affection, as one would wish to find among 
 near relations, after an absence of many years. 
 
 I told you, in my last, I had projected an excursion 
 to the Highlands, which project I have now happily 
 executed under the auspices of Sir George Colcjuhoun,
 
 The Highlands 99 
 
 a colonel in the Dutch service, who offered himself as 
 our conductor on this occasion. Leaving our women 
 
 at Cameron, to the care and inspection of Lady H 
 
 C — - — , we set out on horseback for Inverary, the 
 county town of Argyle, and dined on the road with the 
 Laird of Macfarlane, the greatest genealogist I ever 
 knew in any country, and perfectly acquainted with all 
 the antiquities of Scotland. 
 
 The Duke of Argyle has an old castle at Inverary, 
 where he resides when he is in Scotland ; and hard by 
 is the shell of a noble Gothic palace, built by the last 
 duke, which, when finished, will be a great ornament 
 to this part of the Highlands. As for Inverary, it is a 
 place of very litde importance. 
 
 This country is amazingly wild, especially towards 
 the mountains, which are heaped upon the backs of one 
 another, making a most stupendous appearance of savage 
 nature, with hardly any signs of cultivation, or even 
 of population. All is sublimity, silence, and solitude. , 
 The people live together in glens or bottoms, where 
 they are sheltered from the cold and storms of winter. 
 But there is a margin of plain ground spread along the 
 seaside, which is well inhabited and improved by the 
 arts of husbandry ; and this I take to be one of the 
 most agreeable tracts of the whole island ; the sea not 
 only keeps it warm, and supplies it with fish, but affords 
 one of the most ravishing prospects in the whole world ; 
 I mean the appearance of the Hebrides, or Western 
 Islands, to the number of three hundred, scattered as 
 far as the eye can reach, in the most agreeable con- 
 fusion. As the soil and climate of the Highlands are 
 but ill-adapted to the cultivation of corn, the people 
 apply themselves chiefly to the breeding and feeding of 
 black cattle, which turn to good account. Those 
 animals run wild all the winter, without any shelter or 
 subsistence, but what they can find among the heath.
 
 lOo Humphry Clinker 
 
 When the snow lies so deep and hard, that they can- 
 not penetrate to the roots of the grass, they make a 
 diurnal progress, guided by a sure instinct, to the sea- 
 side at low water, where they feed on the alga marina, 
 and other plants that grow on the beach. 
 
 Perhaps this branch of husbandry, which requires 
 very little attendance and labour, is one of the principal 
 causes of that idleness and want of industry which 
 distinguishes these mountaineers in their own country. 
 When they come fortii into the world, they become as 
 diligent and alert as any people upon earth. They are 
 undoubtedly a very distinct species from their fellow- 
 subjects of the Lowlands, against whom they indulge 
 an ancient spirit of animosity ; and this difference is 
 very discernible even among persons of family and 
 education. The Lowlanders are generally cool and 
 circumspect, the Highlanders fiery and ferocious; but 
 this violence of their passions serves only to inflame 
 the zeal of their devotion to strangers, which is truly 
 enthusiastic. 
 
 We proceeded about twenty miles beyond Inverary, 
 to the house of a gentleman, a friend of our conductor, 
 where we stayed a few days, and were feasted in such 
 a manner, that I began to dread the consequence to my 
 constitution. 
 
 Notwithstanding the solitude that prevails among 
 these mountains, there is no want of people in the 
 Highlands. I am credibly informed, that the Duke 
 of Argyle can assemble five thousand men in arms, of 
 his own clan and surname, which is Campbell ; and 
 there is besides a tribe of the same appellation, whose 
 chief is the Earl of Breadalbane. The M'Donalds 
 are as numerous, and remarkably warlike. The 
 Camerons, M'Lcods, Frasers, Grants, M'Kenzies, 
 M'Kays, M'Phersons, M'Intoshes, are powerful 
 clans; so that, if all the Highlanders, including the
 
 A Warlike Race loi 
 
 inhabitants of the Isles, were united, they could bring 
 into the field an army of forty thousand fighting men, 
 capable of undertaking the most dangerous enterprise. 
 We have lived to see four thousand of them, without 
 discipline, throw the whole kingdom of Great Britain 
 into confusion. They attacked and defeated two 
 armies of regular troops accustomed to service. They 
 penetrated into the centre of England ; and afterwards 
 marched back with deliberation, in the face of two 
 other armies, through an enemy's country, where every 
 precaution was taken to cut off their retreat. I know 
 not any other people in Europe, who, without the use 
 or knowledge of arms, will attack regular forces sword 
 in hand, if their chief will head them in battle. 
 
 When disciplined, they cannot fail of being excellent 
 soldiers. They do not walk like the generality of , 
 mankind, but trot and bounce like deer, as if they 
 moved upon springs. They greatly excel the Low- 
 landers in all the exercises that require agility ; they 
 are incredibly abstemious, and patient of hunger and 
 fatigue ; so steeled against the weather, that, in travel- 
 ling, even when the ground is covered with snow, they 
 never look for a house, or any other shelter but their 
 plaid, in which they wrap themselves up, and go to 
 sleep under the cope of heaven. Such people, in 
 quality of soldiers, must be invincible, when the 
 business is to perform quick marches in a difficult 
 country, to strike sudden strokes, beat up the enemy's 
 quarters, harass their cavalry, and perform expeditions 
 without the formality of magazines, baggage, forage, 
 and artillery. The chieftainship of the Highlanders is 
 a very dangerous influence, operating at the extremity 
 of the island, where the eyes and hands of government 
 cannot be supposed to see and act with precision and 
 vigour. In order to break the force of clansihip, 
 administration has always practised the political maxim,
 
 1 02 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Divide et impera. The legislature hath not only dis- 
 armed these mountaineers, but also deprived them of 
 their ancient garb, which contributed in a great measure 
 to keep up their military spirit ; and their slavish 
 tenures are all dissolved by act of parliament ; so that 
 they are at present as free and independent of their 
 chiefs as the law can make them : but the original 
 attachment still remains, and is founded on something 
 prior to the feudal system, about which the writers of 
 this age have made such a pother, as if it was a new 
 discovery, like the Copernican system. Every peculiar- 
 ity of policy, custom, and even temperament, is affectedly 
 traced to this origin, as if the feudal constitution had 
 not been common to almost all the natives of Europe. 
 For my part, I expect to see the use of trunk-hose and 
 buttered ale ascribed to the influence of the feudal 
 system. 
 
 The connexion between the clans and their chiefs 
 is without all doubt patriarchal. It is founded on 
 hereditary regard and affection, cherished through a 
 long succession of ages. The clan consider the chief 
 as their father, they bear his name, they believe them- 
 selves descended from his family, and they obey him as 
 their lord, with all the ardour of filial love and venera- 
 tion ; while he, on his part, exerts a paternal authority, 
 commanding, chastising, rewarding, protecting, and 
 maintaining them as his own children. If the legisla- 
 ture would entirely destroy this connexion, it must 
 compel the Highlanders to change their habitation and 
 their names. Even this experiment has been formerly 
 tried without success. In the reign of James vi. a 
 battle was fought within a few short miles of this place, 
 between two clans, the M'Grcgors and the Colquhouns, 
 in which the latter were defeated. The Laird of 
 M'Gregor made such a barbarous use of his victory, 
 that he was forfeited and outlawed by act of parliament.
 
 Customs of the Clans 103 
 
 His lands were given to the family of Montrose, 
 and his clan were obliged to change their name. They 
 obeyed so far, as to call themselves severally Campbell, 
 Graham, or Drummond, the surnames of the families 
 of Argyle, Montrose, and Perth, that they might enjoy 
 the protection of those houses ; but they still added 
 M'Gregor to their new appellation ; and as their chief 
 was deprived of his estate, they robbed and plundered 
 for his subsistence. 
 
 Mr. Cameron of Lochicl, the chief of that clan, 
 whose father was attainted for having been concerned 
 in the last rebellion, returning from France, in obedience 
 to a proclamation and act of parliament passed at the 
 beginning of the late war, paid a visit to his own country, 
 and hired a farm in the neighbourhood of his father's 
 house, which had been burnt to the ground. The clan, 
 though ruined and scattered, no sooner heard of his 
 arrival, than they flocked to him from all quarters, to 
 welcome his return, and in a few days stocked his farm 
 with seven hundred black cattle, which they had saved 
 in the general wreck of their affairs. But their beloved 
 chief, who was a promising youth, did not live to enjoy 
 the fruits of their fidelity and attachment. 
 
 The most effectual method I know to weaken, and 
 at length destroy this influence, is to employ the 
 commonalty in such a manner as to give them a taste of 
 property and independence. In vain the government 
 grants them advantageous leases on the forfeited estates 
 if they have no property to prosecute the means of im- 
 provement. The sea is an inexhaustible fund of riches, 
 but the fishery cannot be carried on without vessels, 
 casks, salt, lines, nets, and other tackle. I conversed 
 with a sensible man of this country, who, from a real 
 spirit of patriotism, had set up a fishery on the coast, 
 and a manufactory of coarse linen, for the employment 
 of the poor Highlanders. Cod is here in such plenty
 
 I04 Humphry Clinker 
 
 that he told me he had seen seven hundred taken on 
 one line at one haul. It must be observed, however, 
 that the line was of immense length, and had two 
 thousand hooks, baited with mussels ; but the fish was 
 so superior to the cod caught on the banks of New- 
 foundland, that his correspondent at Lisbon sold them 
 immediately at his own price, although Lent was just 
 over when they arrived, and the people might be 
 supposed quite cloyed with this kind of diet. His 
 linen manufacture was likewise in a prosperous way, 
 when the late war intervening, all his best hands were 
 pressed into the service. 
 
 It cannot be expected that the gentlemen of this 
 country should execute commercial schemes to render 
 their vassals independent, nor indeed are such schemes 
 suited to their way of life and inclination, but a com- 
 pany of merchants might, with proper management, 
 turn to good account a fishery established in this part 
 of Scotland. Our people have a strange itch to 
 colonise America, when the uncultivated parts of our 
 own island might be settled to greater advantage. 
 
 After having rambled through the mountains and 
 glens of Argyle, we visited the adjacent islands of 
 Isla, Jura, Mull, and Icolmkill. In the first, we saw 
 the remains of a castle, built in a lake, where M'Don- 
 ald, Lord or King of the Isles, formerly resided. 
 Jura is famous for having given birth to one M'Crain, 
 who lived one hundred and eighty years in one house, 
 and died in the reign of Charles the Second. Mull 
 affords several bays, where there is safe anchorage, in 
 one of which, the Florida, a ship of the Spanish 
 Armada, was blown up by one of Mr. Smollett's - 
 ancestors. About forty years ago, John, Duke of 
 Argyle, is said to have consulted the Spanish registers, 
 by which it appeared that this ship had the military 
 chest on board. He employed experienced divers to
 
 Spoils of the Armada 105 
 
 examine the wreck, and they found the hull of the 
 vessel still entire, but so covered with sand, that they 
 could not make their way between decks. However, 
 they picked up several pieces of plate that were 
 scattered about in the bay, and a couple of fine brass 
 cannon. 
 
 Icolmkill, or lona, is a small island which St. 
 Columba chose for his habitation ; it was respected 
 for its sanctity, and college or seminary of ecclesiastics. 
 Part of its church is still standing, with the tombs of 
 several Scottish, Irish, and Danish sovereigns, who 
 were here interred. These islanders are very bold and 
 dexterous watermen, consequently, the better adapted 
 to the fishery. In their manners they are less savage 
 and impetuous than their countrymen on the continent, 
 and they speak the Erse or Gaelic in its greatest 
 purity. 
 
 Having sent round our horses by land, we embarked 
 in the district of Cowal for Greenock, which is a neat 
 little town, on the other side of the Frith, with a 
 curious harbour, formed by three stone jetties, carried 
 out a good way into the sea. New Port- Glasgow is 
 such another place, about two miles higher up. Both 
 have a face of business and plenty, and are supported 
 entirely by the shipping of Glasgow, of which I 
 counted sixty large vessels in these harbours. Taking 
 boat again at Newport, we were in less than an hour 
 landed on the other side, within two short miles of our 
 headquarters, where we found our women in good 
 health and spirits. They had been, two days before, 
 joined by Mr. Smollett and his lady, to whom we have 
 such obligations as I cannot mention even to you, 
 without blushing. 
 
 To-morrow we shall bid adieu to the Scots Arcadia, 
 and begin our progress to the southward, taking our 
 way by Lanark and Nithsdale, to the west borders of
 
 lo6 Humphry Clinker 
 
 England. I have received so much advantage and 
 satisfaction from this tour, that, if my health suffers no 
 revolution in the winter, I believe I shall be tempted 
 to undertake another expedition to the northern ex- 
 tremity of Caithness, unencumbered by those impedi- 
 ments which now clog the heels of yours, 
 
 Cameron, Sept. 6. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 To Miss Li^LTiTiA Willis, at Gloucester. 
 
 My dearest Lettv, — Never did poor prisoner 
 long for deliverance more than I have longed for an 
 opportunity to disburden my cares into your friendly 
 bosom ; and the occasion which now presents itself is 
 little less than miraculous. Honest Saunders M'Awlcy, 
 the travelling Scotchman, who goes every year to 
 Wales, is now at Glasgow, buying goods, and, coming 
 to pay his respects to our family, has undertaken to 
 deliver this letter into your own hand. We have been 
 six weeks in Scotland, and seen the principal towns of 
 the kingdom, where we have been treated with great 
 civility. The people are very courteous, and the 
 country being exceedingly romantic, suits my turn and 
 inclinations. I contracted some friendships at Edin- 
 burgh, which is a large and lofty city, full of gay 
 company ; and, in particular, commenced an intimate 
 correspondence with one Miss R — t — n, an amiable 
 young lady of my own age, whose charms seemed to 
 soften, and even to subdue, the stubborn heart of my 
 brother Jerry ; but he no sooner left the place, than he 
 relapsed into his former insensibility. I feel, however, 
 that this indifference is not the family constitution. I 
 never admitted but one idea of love, and that has taken 
 such root in my heart, as to be equally proof against 
 all the pulls of discretion and the frosts of neglect. 
 
 Dear Lctty ! I had an alarming adventure at the
 
 Miss Melford's Sorrows 107 
 
 hunters' ball in Edinburgh. Wliile I sat discoursing 
 with a friend in a corner, all at once the very image of 
 Wilson stood before me, dressed exactly as he was in 
 the character of Aimwell ! It was one Mr. Gordon, 
 whom I had not seen before. Shocked at the sudden 
 apparition, I fainted away, and threw the whole as- 
 sembly into confusion. However, the cause of my 
 disorder remained a secret to everybody but my 
 brother, who was likewise struck with the resemblance, 
 and scolded after we came home. I am very sensible 
 of Jerry's affection, and know he spoke as well with a 
 view to my own interest and happiness, as in regard to 
 the honour of the family ; but I cannot bear to have 
 my wounds probed severely. I was not so much 
 affected by the censure he passed upon my own indis- 
 cretion, as with the reflection he made on the conduct 
 of Wilson. He observed, that if he was really the 
 gentleman he pretended to be, and harboured nothing 
 but honourable designs, he would have vindicated his 
 pretensions in the face of day. This remark made a 
 deep impression upon my mind ; I endeavoured to 
 conceal my thoughts, and this endeavour had a bad 
 effect upon my health and spirits, so it was thought 
 necessary that I should go to the Highlands, and drink 
 goat-milk whey. 
 
 We went accordingly to Loch Lomond, one of the 
 most enchanting spots in the whole world ; and what 
 with this remedy, which I had every morning fresh 
 from the mountains, and the pure air and cheerful 
 company, I have recovered my flesh and appetite, 
 though there is something still at bottom which is not 
 in the power of air, exercise, company, or medicine 
 to remove. These incidents would not touch me so 
 nearly if I had a sensible confidant to sympathise with 
 my affliction, and comfort me with wholesome advice. 
 I have nothing of this kind, except Win Jenkins, who
 
 io8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 is really a good body in the main, but very ill-qualified 
 for such an office. The poor creature is weak in her 
 nerves, as well as in her understanding, otherwise I 
 might have known the true name and character of that 
 unfortunate youth. But why do I call him unfor- 
 tunate ? perhaps the epithet is more applicable to me, 
 
 for having listened to the false professions of But 
 
 hold, I have as yet no right, and sure I have no in- 
 clination, to believe anything to the prejudice of his 
 honour. In that reflection I shall still exert my 
 patience. As for Mrs. Jenkins, she herself is really 
 an object of compassion ; between vanity, Methodism, 
 and love, her head is almost turned. I should have 
 more regard for her, however, if she had been more 
 constant in the object of her affection ; but, truly, she 
 aimed at conquest, and flirted at the same time with 
 my uncle's footman, Humphry Clinker, who is really 
 a deserving young man, and one Dutton, my brother's 
 valet-de-chambre, a debauched fellow, who, leaving 
 Win in the lurch, ran away with another man's bride 
 at Berwick. 
 
 My dear Willis, I am truly ashamed of my own 
 sex. We complain of advantages which the men take 
 of our youth, inexperience, sensibility, and all that ; 
 but I have seen enough to believe, that our sex in 
 general make it tlicir business to ensnare the other ; 
 and for this purpose employ arts which are by no means 
 to be justified. In point of constancy, they certainly 
 have nothing to reproach the male part of the creation. 
 My poor aunt, without any regard to her years and 
 imperfections, has gone to market with her charms in 
 every place where she thought she had the least chance 
 to dispose of her person, which, however, hangs still 
 heavy on her hands. I am afraid she has used even 
 religion as a decoy, though it has not answered her 
 expectation. She has been praying, preaching, and
 
 Religion and Hypocrisy 109 
 
 catechising, among the Methodists, with whom this 
 country abounds ; and pretends to have such manifesta- 
 tions and revelations, as even Clinker himself can 
 hardly believe, though the poor fellow is half crazy 
 with enthusiasm. As for Jenkins, she affects to take 
 all her mistress's reveries for gospel. She has also her 
 heart-heavings and motions of the Spirit ; and, God 
 forgive me if I think uncharitably, but all this seems to 
 me to be downright hypocrisy and deceit. Perhaps, 
 indeed, the poor girl imposes on herself. She is 
 generally in a flutter, and is much subject to vapours. 
 Since we came to Scotland, she has seen apparitions, 
 and pretends to prophesy. If I could put faith in all 
 these supernatural visitations, I should think myself 
 abandoned of grace ; for I have neither seen, heard, 
 nor felt anything of this nature, although I endeavour 
 to discharge the duties of religion with all the sincerity, 
 zeal, and devotion that is in the power of. 
 
 Dear Letty, your ever affectionate, 
 Glasgoiu, Sept. 7. Lydia Melford. 
 
 We are so far on our return to Brambleton Hall, and 
 I would fain hope we shall take Gloucester in our way ; 
 in which case I shall have the inexpressible pleasure 
 of embracing my dear Willis. Pray remember me to 
 JTiy worthy governess. 
 
 To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall. 
 Dear Mary, — Sunders MacuIIy, the Scotchman, 
 who pushes directly for Vails, has promised to give it 
 you into your own hand, and therefore I would not 
 miss the opportunity to let you now as I am still in 
 the land of the living ; and yet I have been on the 
 brink of the other world since I sent you my last letter. 
 We went by sea to another kingdom, called Fife, and, 
 coming back, had like to have gone to pot in a storm.
 
 no Humphry Clinker 
 
 What between the frite and sickness, I thought I 
 should have brought my heart up ; even Mr. Chnker 
 was not his own man for eight-and-forty hours after 
 we got ashore. It was well for some folks that we 
 'scaped drownding ; for mistress was very frexious, 
 and seemed but indifferently prepared for a change ; 
 but, thank God, she was soon put in a better frame by 
 the private exaltations of the Reverend Mr. Macroco- 
 dile. We afterwards churned to Starling and Glascow, 
 which are a kipple of handsome towns ; and then we 
 went to a gentleman's house at LofF Loming, which is 
 a wonderful sea of fresh water, with a power of hylands 
 in the midst on't. They say, as how it has got ne'er 
 a bottom, and was made by a musician — and, truly, I 
 believe it ; for it is not in the coarse of nature. It has 
 got ivaves ivlthout ivmd,Jish lu'ithout Jins , and a Jloat'ing 
 hyland ; and one of them is a crutch-yard, where the 
 dead are buried ; and always before the person dies, a 
 bell rings of itself to give warning. 
 
 O Mary ! this is the land of congyration. The bell 
 knolled when we were there. I saw lights, and heard 
 lamentations. The gentleman, our landlord, has got 
 another house, which he was fain to quit, on account 
 of a mischievous ghost, that would not suffer people to 
 He in their beds. The fairies dwell in a hole of Kair- 
 mann, a mounting hard by ; and they steal away the 
 good women that are in the straw, if so be as how 
 there an't a horshoe nailed to the door. And I was 
 shown an old vitch, called Elspath Ringavey, with a 
 red petticoat, bleared eyes, and a mould of grey bristles 
 on her sin. That she mought do me no harm, I 
 crossed her hand with a taster, and bid her tell my 
 fortune ; and she told me such things — descriving Mr. 
 Clinker to a hair — but it shall ne'er be said that I 
 minchioned a word of the matter. As I was troubled 
 with fits, she advised me to bathe in the loff, which
 
 Surprised while Bathing 1 1 1 
 
 was holy water ; and so I went in the morning to a 
 private place, along with the housemaid, and we bathed 
 in our birth-day soot, after the fashion of the country ; 
 and behold, whilst we dabbled in the loff, Sir George 
 Coon started up with a gun ; but we clapt our hands 
 to our faces, and passed by him to the place where we 
 had left our smocks. A civil gentleman would have 
 turned his head another way. My comfit is, he knew 
 not which was which ; and, as the saying is, all cats in 
 the dark art grey. 
 
 While we staid at LofF Loming, he and our two 
 squires went three or four days churning among the 
 wild men of the mountings ; a parcel of selvidges that 
 lie in caves among the rocks, devour young children, 
 and speak Velch, but the vords are different. Our 
 ladies would not part with Mr. Clinker, because he is 
 so stout, and so pyehouse, that he fears neither man 
 nor devils, if so be as they don't take him by surprise. 
 Indeed, he was once so flurried by an operition, that 
 he had like to have founded. He made believe as if 
 it had been the ould edmiral ; but the ould edmiral 
 could not have made his air to stand on end, and his 
 teeth to shatter ; but he said so in prudence, that the 
 ladies mought not be affcard. Mis Liddy has been 
 puny, and like to go into a decline. I doubt her pore 
 art is too tinder — but the got's fey has sat her on her 
 legs again. You nows got's fey is mother's milk to a 
 Velch voman. As for mistress, blessed be God, she 
 ails nothing. Her stomach is good, and she improves 
 in grease and godliness ; but, for all that, she may have 
 infections like other people ; and, I believe, she wouldn't 
 be sorry to be called jyowr Ladyship, whenever Sir George 
 thinks proper to ax the question. But, for my part, 
 whatever I may see or hear, not a pratical shall ever 
 pass the lips of, Dear Molly, your loving friend, 
 
 Crasco, Sept. 7. Win. Jenkins.
 
 112 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Remember me as usual to Saul. We are now 
 coming home, though not the nearest road. I do 
 suppose I shall find the kitten a fine boar at my 
 return. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Knight, — Once more I tread upon English 
 ground, which I like not the worse for the six weeks' 
 ramble I have made among the woods and mountains 
 of Caledonia ; no offence to the land of cakes, luhere 
 bannocks groiu upon straiv. I never saw my uncle in 
 such health and spirits as he now enjoys. Liddy is 
 perfectly recovered ; and Mrs. Tabitha has no reason 
 to complain. Nevertheless, I believe, she was, till 
 yesterday, inclined to give the whole Scotch nation to 
 the devil, as a pack of insensible brutes, upon whom 
 her accomplishments had been displayed in vain. At 
 every place where we halted did she mount the stage, 
 and flourished her rusty arms, without being able to 
 make one conquest. One of her last essays was 
 against the heart of Sir George Colquhoun, with whom 
 she fought all the weapons more than twice over. 
 She was grave and gay by turns — she moralised and 
 methodised — she laughed, and romped, and danced, 
 and sung, and sighed, and ogled, and lisped, and flut- 
 tered, and flattered — but all was preaching to the 
 desert. The baronet, being a well-bred man, carried 
 his civilities as far as she could in conscience expect, 
 and, if evil tongues are to be believed, some degrees 
 farther ; but he was too much a veteran in gallantry, 
 as well as in war, to fall into any ambuscade that she 
 could lay for his affection. While we were absent in 
 the Highlands, she practised also upon the Laird of 
 Ladrishmore, and even gave him the rendezvous in the 
 wood of Drumscailloch but the Laird had such a
 
 The Ancient Pavior 113 
 
 reverend care of his own reputation, that he came 
 attended with the parson of the parish, and nothing 
 passed but spiritual communications. After all these 
 miscarriages, our aunt suddenly recollected Lieutenant 
 Lismahago, whom, ever since our first arrival at Edin- 
 burgh, she seemed to have utterly forgot ; but now she 
 expressed her hopes of seeing him at Dumfries, accord- 
 ing to his promise. 
 
 We set out from Glasgow by the way of Lanark, 
 the county town of Clydesdale, in the neighbourhood 
 of which the whole river Clyde, rushing down a steep 
 rock, forms a very noble mid stupendous cascade. 
 Next day we were obliged to halt in a small borough, 
 until the carriage, which had received some damage, 
 should be repaired ; and here we met with an incident 
 which warmly interested the benevolent spirit of Mr. 
 Bramble. As we stood at the window of an inn that 
 fronted the public prison, a person arrived on horse- 
 back, genteelly though plainly dressed, in a blue frock, 
 with his own hair cut short, and a gold-laced hat upon 
 his head. Alighting, and giving his horse to the land- 
 lord, he advanced to an old man who was at work in 
 paving the street, and accosted him in these words : 
 "This is hard work for such an old man as you." 
 So saying, he took the instrument out of his hand, and 
 began to thump the pavement. After a few strokes, 
 " Have you never a son," said he, " to ease you of 
 this labour?" — "Yes, an' please your honour," re- 
 plied the senior, " I have three hopeful lads, but, at 
 present, they are out of the way." — "Honour not 
 me," cried the stranger ; " it more becomes me to 
 honour your grey hairs. Where are those sons you 
 talk of?" The ancient pavior said, his eldest son was 
 a captain in the East Indies, and the youngest had 
 lately enlisted as a soldier, in hopes of prospering like 
 his brother. The gentleman desiring to know what 
 II.— S
 
 114 Humphry Clinker 
 
 was become of the second, he wiped his eyes, and 
 owned he had taken upon him his old father's debts, 
 for which he was now in the prison hard by. 
 
 The traveller made three quick steps towards the 
 jail, then turning short, "Tell me," said he, "has 
 that unnatural captain sent you nothing to relieve your 
 distresses?" — "Call him not unnatural," replied the 
 other, " God's blessing be upon him ! he sent me a 
 great deal of money, but I made a bad use of it ; I lost 
 it by being security for a gentleman that was my land- 
 lord, and was stripped of all I had in the world 
 besides." At that instant a young man, thrusting out 
 his head and neck between two iron bars in the prison- 
 window, exclaimed, " Father ! father ! if my brother 
 William is in life, that's he." — " I am ! I am ! " 
 cried the stranger, clasping the old man in his arms, 
 and shedding a flood of tears, " I am your son Willy, 
 sure enough ! " Before the father, who was quite 
 confounded, could make any return to this tenderness, 
 a decent old woman, bolting out from the door of a 
 poor habitation, cried, "Where is my bairn? where is 
 my dear Willy ?" The captain no sooner beheld her, 
 than he quitted his father, and ran into her embrace. 
 
 I can assure you, my uncle, who saw and heard 
 everything that passed, was as much moved as any one of 
 the parties concerned in this pathetic recognition. He 
 sobbed, and wept, and clapped his hands, and hallooed, 
 and finally ran down into the street. By this time the 
 captain had retired with his parents, and all the in- 
 habitants of the place were assembled at the door. 
 Mr. Bramble, nevertheless, pressed through the crowd, 
 and entering the house, " Captain," said he, " I beg 
 the favour of your acquaintance. I would have 
 travelled a hundred miles to see this affecting scene, 
 and I shall think myself happy if you and your parents 
 will dine with me at the public-house." The captain
 
 A Favourite of Fortune 115 
 
 thanked him for his kind invitation, which, he said, he 
 would accept with pleasure ; but, in the meantime, he 
 could not think of eating or drinking, while his poor 
 brother was in trouble. He forthwith deposited a 
 sum, equal to the debt, in the hands of the magistrate, 
 who ventured to set his brother at liberty, without 
 fu'ther process ; and then the whole family repaired to 
 the inn with my uncle, attended by the crowd, the 
 individuals of which shook their townsman by the 
 hand, while he returned their caresses without the least 
 sign of pride or affectation. 
 
 This honest favourite of fortune, whose name was 
 Brown, told my uncle, that he had been bred a weaver, 
 and about eighteen years ago had, from a spirit of idle- 
 ness and dissipation, enlisted as a soldier in the service 
 of the East India Company ; that in the course of duty 
 he had the good fortune to attract the notice and ap- 
 probation of Lord Clive, who preferred him from one 
 step to another, till he had attained the rank of captain 
 and paymaster to the regiment, in which capacities he 
 had honestly amassed about twelve thousand pounds, 
 and at the peace resigned his commission. He had 
 sent several remittances to his father, who received the 
 first only, consisting of one hundred pounds ; the 
 second had fallen into the hands of a bankrupt; and 
 the third had been consigned to a gentleman of 
 Scotland, who died before it arrived, so that it still 
 remained to be accounted for by his executors. He 
 now presented the old man with fifty pounds for his 
 present occasions, over and above bank-notes for one 
 hundred, which he had deposited for his brother's 
 release. He brought along with him a- deed ready 
 executed, by which he settled a perpetuity of fourscore 
 pounds upon his parents, to be inherited by the other 
 two sons after their decease. He promised to pur- 
 chase a commission for his youngest brother ; to take
 
 Ii6 Humphry Clinker 
 
 the other as his own partner in a manufacture which he 
 intends to set up, to give employment and bread to the 
 industrious, and to give five hundred pounds by way of 
 dower to his sister, who had married a farmer in low 
 circumstances. Finally, he gave fifty pounds to the 
 poor of the town where he was born, and feasted all 
 the inhabitants without exception. 
 
 My uncle was so charmed with the character of 
 Captain Brown, that he drank his health three times 
 successively at dinner. He said, he was proud of his 
 acquaintance ; that he was an honour to his country, 
 and had in some measure redeemed human nature from 
 the reproach of pride, selfishness, and ingratitude ; for 
 my part, I was as much pleased with the modesty as 
 with the filial virtue of this honest soldier, who assumed 
 no merit from his success, and said very little of his 
 own transactions, though the answers he made to our 
 inquiries were equally sensible and laconic. Mrs. 
 Tabitha behaved very graciously to him, until she 
 understood that he was going to make a tender of his 
 hand to a person of low estate, who had been his 
 sweetheart while he worked as a journeyman weaver. 
 Our aunt was no sooner made acquainted with this 
 design, than she starched up her behaviour with a 
 double portion of reserve ; and, when the company 
 broke up, she observed, with a toss of her nose, that 
 Brown was a civil fellow enough, considering the low- 
 ness of his origin ; but that Fortune, though she had 
 mended his circumstances, was incapable to raise his 
 ideas, which were still humble and plebeian. 
 
 On the day that succeeded this adventure, we went 
 some miles out of our road to see Drumlanrig, a seat 
 belonging to the Duke of Queensberry, which appears 
 like a magnificent palace erected by magic, in the midst 
 of a wilderness ; it is indeed a princely mansion, with 
 suitable parks and plantations, rendered still more
 
 The Solway Sands 117 
 
 striking by the nakedness of the surrounding country, 
 which is one of the wildest tracts in all Scotland. 
 This wilderness, however, is ditferent from that of the 
 Highlands ; for here the mountains, instead of heath, 
 are covered with a fine green sward, affording pasture 
 to innumerable flocks of sheep. But the fleeces of this 
 country, called Nithsdale, are not comparable to the 
 wool of Galloway, which is said to equal that of 
 Salisbury Plain. Having passed the night at the 
 castle of Drumlanrig, by invitation from the Duke 
 himself, who is one of the best men that ever breathed, 
 we prosecuted our journey to Dumfries, a very elegant 
 trading town near the borders of England, where we ^ 
 found plenty of good provision and excellent wine, at 
 very reasonable prices, and the accommodation as good 
 in all respects as in any part of South Britain. If 
 I was confined to Scotland for life, I would choose 
 Dumfries as the place of my residence. Here we 
 made inquiries about Captain Lismahago, of whom 
 hearing no tidings, we proceeded by the Solway Frith 
 to Carlisle. You must know, that the Solway sands, 
 upon which travellers pass at low water, are exceed- 
 ingly dangerous, because, as the tide makes, they 
 become quick in different places, and the flood rushes 
 in so impetuously, that passengers are often overtaken 
 by the sea, and perish. 
 
 In crossing these treacherous syrtes with a guide, we 
 perceived a drowned horse, which Humpliry Clinker, ^ 
 after due inspection, declared to be the very identical 
 beast which Mr. Lismahago rode when he parted 
 with us at Felton Bridge in Northumberland. This 
 information, which seemed to intimate that our friend 
 the lieutenant had shared the fate of his horse, affected 
 us all, and above all our aunt Tabitha, who shed salt 
 tears, and obliged Clinker to pull a few hairs out of 
 the dead horse's tail, to be worn in a ring as a remem-
 
 1 1 8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 biance of his master. But her grief and ours was not 
 of long duration ; for one of the first persons we saw 
 in CarHslc was the lieutenant in propria persona, bar- 
 gaining with a horse-dealer for another steed, in the 
 yard of the inn where we alighted. Mrs. Bramble 
 was the first that perceived him, and screamed as if 
 she had seen a ghost ; and, truly, at a proper time and 
 place, he might very well have passed for an inhabitant 
 of another world ; for he was more meagre and grim 
 than before. We received him the more cordially for 
 having supposed he had been drowned ; and he was 
 not deficient in expressions of satisfaction at this 
 meeting. He told us he had inquired for us at Dum- 
 fries, and been informed by a travelling merchant from 
 Glasgow, that we had resolved to return by the way 
 of Coldstream. He said, that, in passing the sands, 
 without a guide, his horse had knocked up ; and he 
 himself must have perished, if he had not been provi- 
 dentially relieved by a return post-chaise. He more- 
 over gave us to understand, that his scheme of settling 
 in his own country having miscarried, he was so far in 
 Ills way to London, with a view to embark for North 
 America, where he intended to pass the rest of his 
 days among his old friends the Miamis, and amuse 
 himself in finishing the education of the son he had by 
 his beloved Squinkinacoosta. 
 
 This project was by no means agreeable to our good 
 aunt, who expatiated upon the fatigues and dangers that 
 would attend such a long voyage by sea, and afterwards 
 such a tedious journey by land. She enlarged par- 
 ticularly on the risk he would run, with respect to the 
 concerns of his precious soul, among savages who had 
 not yet received the glad tidings of salvation ; and she 
 hinted, that his abandoning Great Britain might, per- 
 haps, prove fatal to the inclinations of some deserving 
 person, whom he was qualified to make happy for life.
 
 A Projected Union 119 
 
 My uncle, who is really a Don Quixote in generosity, 
 understanding that Lismahago's real reason for leaving 
 Scotland was the impossibility of subsisting in it with 
 any decency upon the wretched provision of a sub- 
 altern's half-pay, began to be warmly interested on the 
 side of compassion. He thought it very hard, that a') 
 gentleman, who had served his country with honour, 
 should be driven by necessity to spend his old age ( 
 among the refuse of mankind, in such a remote part of \ 
 the world. He discoursed with me upon the subject, ■^ 
 observing, that he would willingly offer the lieutenant 
 an asylum at Brambleton Hall, if he did not foresee 
 that his singularities and humour of contradiction would 
 render him an intolerable house-mate, though his con- 
 versation at some times might be both instructive and 
 entertaining ; but, as there seemed to be something 
 particular in his attention to Mrs. Tabitha, he and I 
 agreed in opinion, that this intercourse should be en- 
 couraged, and improved, if possible, into a matrimonial 
 union ; in which case there would be a comfortable 
 provision for both ; and they might be settled in a 
 house of their own, so that Mr. Bramble should have 
 no more of their company than he desired. 
 
 In pursuance of this design, Lismahago has been 
 invited to pass the winter at Brambleton Hall, as it will 
 be time enough to execute his American project in the 
 spring. He has taken time to consider of this proposal; 
 meanwhile, he will keep us company as far as we travel 
 in the road to Bristol, where he has hopes of getting a 
 passage for America. I make no doubt but that he will 
 postpone his voyage, and prosecute his addresses to a 
 happy consummation ; and sure, if it produces any 
 fruit, it must be of a very peculiar flavour. As tlie 
 weather continues favourable, I believe we shall 
 take the Peak of Derbyshire and Buxton Wells in 
 our way. At any rate, from the first place where
 
 I20 Humphry Clinker 
 
 we make any stay, you shall iiear again from yours 
 always, J. Melford. 
 
 Carlisle, Sept. 21. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Doctor, — The peasantry of Scotland are 
 certainly on a poor footing all over the kingdom ; and 
 yet they look better, and are better clothed, than those 
 of the same rank in Burgundy, and many other places 
 of France and Italy ; nay, I will venture to say they 
 
 / are better fed, notwithstanding the boasted wine of 
 these foreign countries. The country people of North 
 Britain live chiefly on oatmeal, and milk-cheese, butter, 
 and some garden stuff, with now and then a pickled 
 herring, by way of delicacy ; but flesh-meat they 
 seldom or never taste, nor any kind of strong liquor, 
 except twopenny, at times of uncommon festivity. 
 Their breakfast is a kind of hasty-pudding, of oatmeal, 
 or peasmeal, eaten with milk. They have commonly 
 pottage to dinner, composed of cale or cole, leeks, 
 barley, or big, and butter, and this is reinforced with 
 bread, and cheese made of skimmed milk. At night 
 they sup on sowens or flummery of oatmeal. In a 
 scarcity of oats, they use the meal of barley and peas, 
 which is both nourishing and palatable. Some of them 
 have potatoes ; and you find parsnips in every peasant's 
 garden. They are clothed with a coarse kind of 
 russet of their own making, which is both decent and 
 warm. They dwell in poor huts, built of loose stones 
 and turf, without any mortar, having a fireplace or 
 hearth in the middle, generally made of an old mill- 
 stone, and a hole at top to let out the smoke. 
 
 These people, however, are content, and wonder- 
 
 / fully sagacious. All of them read the Bible, and are 
 even qualified to dispute upon the articles of their faith,
 
 Great Families 121 
 
 which, in those parts I have seen, is entirely Presby- 
 terian. I am told, that the inhabitants of Aberdeen- 
 shire are still more acute. I once knew a Scotch 
 gentleman at London, who had declared war against 
 this part of his country, and swore that the impudence 
 and knavery of the Scotch in that quarter had brought 
 a reproach upon the whole nation. 
 
 The river Clyde, above Glasgow, is quite pastoral, 
 and the banks of it are everywhere adorned with fine 
 villas. From the sea to its source, we may reckon the 
 seats of many families of the first rank, such as the 
 Duke of Argyle at Roseneath, the Earl of Bute in the 
 isle of that name, the Earl of Glencairn at Finlayston, 
 Lord Blantyre at Areskine, the Duchess of Douglas 
 at Bothwell, the Duke of Hamilton at Hamilton, the 
 Duke of Douglas at Douglas, and the Earl of Hynd- 
 ford at Carmichael. Hamilton is a noble palace, 
 magnificently furnished ; and hard by is the village of 
 that name, one of the neatest little towns I have seen 
 in any country. The old castle of Douglas being 
 burnt to the ground by accident, the late Duke resolved, 
 as head of the first family in Scotland, to have the 
 largest house in the kingdom, and ordered a plan for 
 this purpose ; but there was only one wing of it finished 
 when he died. It is to be hoped that his nephew, 
 who is now in possession of his great fortune, will 
 complete the design of his predecessor. Clydesdale is 
 in general populous and rich, containing a great number 
 of gentlemen, who are independent in their fortune ; 
 but it produces more cattle than corn. This is also 
 the case with Tweeddalc, through part of which we 
 passed, and Nisdale, which is generally rough, wild, 
 and mountainous. These hills are covered with sheep; 
 and this is the small delicious mutton, so much pre- 
 ferable to that of the London market. As their 
 feeding costs so little, the sheep are not killed till five
 
 122 Humphry Clinker 
 
 years old, when their flesh, juices, and flavour are in 
 perfection ; but their fleeces are much damaged by the 
 tar with which they arc smeared to preserve them from 
 the rot in winter, during which they run wild night 
 and day, and thousands are lost under huge wreaths of 
 snow. 'Tis a pity the farmers cannot contrive some 
 means to shelter this useful animal from the inclemencies 
 of a rigorous climate, especially from the perpetual 
 rains, which are more prejudicial than the greatest 
 extremity of cold weather. 
 
 On the little river Nid is situated the castle of 
 Drumlanrig, one of the noblest seats in Great Britain, 
 belonging to the Duke of Queensberry, one of those 
 few noblemen whose goodness of heart does honour to 
 human nature. I shall not pretend to enter into a 
 description of this palace, which is really an instance of 
 the sublime in magnificence, as well as in situation, and 
 puts one in mind of the beautiful city of Palmyra, 
 rising like a vision in the midst of the wilderness. His 
 Grace keeps open house, and lives with great splendour. 
 He did us the honour to receive us with great courtesy, 
 and detain us all night, together with above twenty 
 other guests, witli all their servants and horses, to a 
 very considerable number. The Duchess was equally 
 gracious, and took our ladies under her immediate 
 protection. The longer I live, I see more reason to 
 believe that prejudices of education are never wholly 
 
 v/ eradicated, even when they are discovered to be 
 erroneous and absurd. Such habits of thinking, as 
 interest the grand passions, cleave to the human heart 
 in such a manner, that though an effort of reason may 
 
 * force them from their hold for a moment, this violence 
 
 no sooner ceases, than they resume their grasp with an 
 increased elasticity and adhesion. 
 
 I am led into this reflection by what passed at the 
 Duke's table after supper. The conversation turned 
 
 J
 
 Marvels of Second Sight 123 
 
 upon the vulgar notions of spirits and omens, that pre- 
 vail among the commonalty of North Britain, and all 
 the company agreed, tliat nothing could be more 
 ridiculous. One gentleman, however, told a remark- 
 able story of himself, by way of speculation. — " Being 
 on a party of hunting in the north," said he, " I 
 resolved to visit an old friend, whom I had not seen 
 for twenty years. So long he had been retired and 
 sequestrated from all his acquaintance, and lived in a 
 moping, melancholy way, much afflicted with lowness 
 of spirits, occasioned by the death of his wife, whom 
 he had loved with uncommon affection. As he resided 
 in a remote part of the country, and we were five 
 gentlemen, with as many servants, we carried some 
 provision with us from the next market town, lest we 
 should find him unprepared for our reception. The 
 roads being bad, we did not arrive at the house till 
 two o'clock in the afternoon, and were agreeably sur- 
 prised to find a very good dinner ready in the kitchen, 
 and the cloth laid with six covers. My friend himself 
 appeared in his best apparel at the gate, and received 
 us with open arms, telling me he had been expecting 
 us these two hours. Astonished at this declaration, I 
 asked who had given him intelligence of our coming ? 
 and he smiled, without making any other reply. 
 However, presuming upon our former intimacy, I 
 afterwards insisted upon knowing ; and he told me, 
 very gravely, he had seen me in a vision of the second 
 sight: nay, he called in the evidence of his steward, 
 who solemnly declared, that his master had the day 
 before apprised him of my coming, with four other 
 strangers, and ordered him to provide accordingly ; in 
 consequence of which intimation, he had prepared the 
 dinner which we were now eating, and laid the covers 
 according to the number foretold." 
 
 The incident we all owned to be remarkable, and J
 
 124 Humphry Clinker 
 
 endeavoured to account for it by natural means. I 
 observed, that as the old gentleman was of a visionary 
 turn, the casual idea, or remembrance of his old friend, 
 might suggest those circumstances which accident had 
 for once realised ; but that in all probability he had 
 seen many visions of the same kind, which were never 
 verified. None of the company directly dissented 
 from my opinion, but, from the objections that were 
 hinted, I could plainly perceive that the majority were 
 persuaded there was something more extraordinary in 
 the case. 
 
 Another gentleman of the company, addressing him- 
 self to me, "Without all doubt," said he, "a diseased 
 imagination is very apt to produce visions ; but we 
 must find some other method to account for something 
 of this kind, that happened within these eight days in 
 my neighbourhood. A gentleman of a good family, 
 who cannot be deemed a visionary in any sense of the 
 word, was, near his own gate, in the twilight, visited 
 by his grandfather, who has been dead these fifteen 
 years. The spectre was mounted, seemingly, on the 
 very horse he used to ride, with an angry and terrible 
 countenance, and said something, which his grandson, 
 in the confusion of his fear, could not understand. 
 But this was not all — he lifted up a huge horsewhip, 
 and applied it with great violence to his back and 
 shoulders, on which I saw the impression with my 
 own eyes. The apparition was afterwards seen by the 
 sexton of the parish, hovering about the tomb where his 
 body lies interred ; as the man declared to several 
 persons in the village, before he knew what had hap- 
 pened to the gentleman ; nay, he actually came to me, 
 as a justice of the peace, in order to make oath of these 
 particulars, which, however, I declined administering. 
 As for the grandson of the defunct, he is a sober, 
 sensible, worldly - minded fellow, too intent upon
 
 Grandfather's Ghost 125 
 
 schemes of interest to give in to reveries. He would 
 have willingly concealed the affair, but he bawled out 
 in the first transport of his fear, and, running into the 
 house, exposed his back and his sconce to the whole 
 family ; so that there was no denying it in the sequel. 
 It is now the common discourse of the country, that 
 this appearance and behaviour of the old man's spirit 
 portends some great calamity to the family, and the 
 good woman has actually taken to her bed in this 
 apprehension." 
 
 Though I did not pretend to explain this mystery, I 
 said I did not at all doubt, but it would one day appear 
 to be a deception ; and, in all probability, a scheme 
 executed by some enemy of the person who had sus- 
 tained the assault ; but still the gentleman insisted upon 
 the clearness of the evidence, and the concurrence of 
 testimony, by which two credible witnesses, without 
 having any communication one with another, affirmed 
 the appearance of the same man, with whose person 
 they were both well acquainted. 
 
 From Drumlanrig we pursued the course of the 
 Nid to Dumfries, which stands several miles above the 
 place where the river falls into the sea, and is, after 
 Glasgow, the handsomest town I have seen in Scotland. 
 The inhabitants, indeed, seem to have proposed that 
 city as their model ; not only in beautifying their town 
 and regulating its police, but also in prosecuting their 
 schemes of commerce and manufacture, by which they 
 are grown rich and opulent. 
 
 We re-entered England by the way of Carlisle, where 
 we accidentally met with our friend Lismahago, whom 
 we had in vain inquired after at Dumfries and other 
 places. It would seem that the captain, like the 
 prophets of old, is but little honoured in his own 
 country, which he has now renounced for ever. He 
 gave me the following particulars of his visit to his
 
 126 Humphry Clinker 
 
 native soil : In his way to the place of his nativity, he 
 learned that his nephew had married the daughter of a 
 bourgeois, who directed a weaving manufacture, and 
 had gone into partnership with his father-in-law ; 
 chagrined with this information, he had arrived at the 
 gate in the twilight, where he heard the sound of 
 treddles in the great hall, which had exasperated him 
 to such a degree, that he had like to have lost his 
 senses. While he was thus transported with indigna- 
 tion, his nephew chanced to come forth, when, being 
 no longer master of his passion, he cgcd, " Degenerate 
 rascal, you have made my father's house a den of 
 thieves"; and at the same time chastised him with his 
 horsewhip ; then, riding round the adjoining village, he 
 had visited the burying-ground of his ancestors by 
 moonlight ; and, having paid his respects to their manes, 
 travelled all night to another part of the country. 
 Finding the head of his family in such a disgraceful 
 situation, all his own friends dead or removed from the 
 places of their former residence, and the expense of 
 living increased to double of what it had been when he 
 first left his native country, he had bid it an eternal 
 adieu, and was determined to seek for repose among 
 the forests of America. 
 
 I was no longer at a loss to account for the appari- 
 tion, which had been described at Drumlanrig ; and 
 when I repeated the story to the lieutenant, he was 
 much pleased to think his resentment had been so much 
 more effectual than he intended ; and he owned, he 
 might at such an hour, and in such an equipage, very 
 well pass for the ghost of his father, whom he was said 
 greatly to resemble. Between friends, I fancy Lis- 
 mahago will find a retreat without going so far as the 
 wigwams of the Miamis. My sister Tabby is making 
 continual advances to him in the way of affection ; 
 and, if I may trust to appearances, the captain is dis-
 
 Travelling Homewards 127 
 
 posed to take opportunity by the forelock. For my 
 part, I intend to encourage this correspondence, and 
 shall be glad to see them united ; in that case, we shall 
 find a way to settle them comfortably in our own 
 neighbourhood. I, and my servants, will get rid of a 
 very troublesome and tyrannic governante ; and I shall 
 have the benefit of Lismahago's conversation without 
 being obliged to take more of his company than I 
 desire ; for though an olla is a high-flavoured dish, I 
 could not bear to dine upon it every day of my life. 
 
 I am much pleased with Manchester, which is one 
 of the most agreeable and flourishing towns in Great 
 Britain ; and I perceive, that this is the place which 
 hath animated the spirit, and suggested the chief manu- 
 factures of Glasgow. We propose to visit Chatsworth, 
 the Peak, and Buxton, from which last place we shall 
 proceed directly homewards, though by easy journeys. 
 If the season has been as favourable in Wales, as in 
 the north, your harvest is happily finished ; and we 
 have nothing left to think of but our October, of 
 which let Barnes be properly reminded. You will 
 find me much better in flesh than I was at our parting ; 
 and this short separation has given a new edge to those 
 sentiments of friendship with which I always have been, 
 and ever shall be. Yours, 
 
 Manchester, Sept. 15. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 To Mrs. Gwyllim, Housekeeper at Brambleton Hall. 
 
 Mrs. Gwillim, — It has pleased Providence to bring 
 us safe back to England, and partake us in many pearls 
 by land and water, in particular, the Devil's Harse-a- 
 t'tke, and Hoyden s Hole, which hath got no bottom ; 
 and, as we are drawing huomwards, it may be proper 
 to uprise you, that Brambleton Hall may be in a con- 
 dition to receive us, after this long journey to the
 
 128 Humphry Clinker 
 
 islands of Scotland. By the first of next month you 
 may begin to make constant fires in my brother's 
 chamber and mine ; and burn a fagget every day in 
 the yellow damask, room ; have the tester and curtains 
 dusted, and the feather-bed and matrosses well haired ; 
 because, perhaps, with blissing of Heaven, they may 
 be yused on some occasion. Let the ould hogsheads 
 be well skewred and seasoned for bear, as Mat is 
 resolved to have his seller choak-fool. 
 
 If the house was mine I would turn over a new 
 leaf. I don't see why the sarvants of Wales shouldn't 
 drink fair water, and eat hot cakes and barley cale, as 
 they do in Scotland, without troubling the botcher 
 above once a quarter. I hope you keep accunt of 
 Roger's purseeding in reverence to the buttermilk. 1 
 expect my due when I come huom, without baiting an 
 ass, I'll assure you. As you must have layed a great 
 many more eggs than would be eaten, I do suppose 
 there is a power of turks, chickings, and guzzling 
 about the house ; and a brave kergo of cheese ready 
 for market ; and that the owl has been sent to Crick- 
 howel, saving what the maide spun in the family. 
 
 Pray let the whole house and furniture have a 
 tlirough cleaning from top to bottom, for the honour 
 of Wales ; and let Roger search into, and make a 
 general clearance of the slit holes which the maids 
 have in secret ; for I know they are much given to 
 sloath and uncleanness. I hope you have worked a 
 reformation among them, as I exhorted you in my 
 last, and set their hearts upon better things than they 
 can find in junkitting and caterwauling with the 
 fellows of the coimtry. 
 
 As for Win Jenkins, she has undergone a perfect 
 metamurphysis, and is become a new creeter from the 
 ammunition of Humphry Clinker, our new footman, a 
 pious young man, who has laboured exceedingly, that
 
 Paradoxical Arguments 129 
 
 she may bring forth fruits of repentance. I make no 
 doubt but he will take the same pains with that 
 pert hussy Mary Jones, and all of you ; and that he 
 may have power given to penetrate and instill his 
 goodness, even into your most inward parts, is the 
 fervent prayer of, Your friend in the spirit, 
 
 Sept. 18. Tab. Bramble. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Lewis, — Lismahago is more paradoxical than \ 
 ever. The late gulp he had of his native air seems to I 
 have blown fresh spirits into all his polemical faculties. 
 I congratulated him the other day on the present 
 flourishing state of his country, observing, that the 
 Scotch were now in a fair way to wipe off the national 
 reproach of poverty, and expressing my satisfaction at 
 the happy effects of the Union, so conspicuous in the 
 improvement of their agriculture, conmierce, manu- 
 factures, and manners. The lieutenant, screwing up 
 his features into a look of dissent and disgust, com- 
 mented on my remarks to this effect : — 
 
 *' Those who reproach a nation for its poverty, 
 when it is not owing to the profligacy or vice of the ^ 
 people, deserve no answer. The Lacedemonians 
 were poorer than the Scotch, when they took the 
 lead among all the free states of Greece, and were 
 esteemed above them all for their valour and their 
 virtue. The most respectable heroes of ancient Rome, 
 such as Fabricius, Cincinnatus, and Regulus, were 
 poorer than the poorest freeholder in Scotland ; and 
 there are at this day individuals in North Britain, one 
 of whom can produce more gold and silver than the 
 whole republic of Rome could raise at those times 
 when her public virtue shone with unrivalled lustre ; 
 and poverty was so far from being a reproach, that it 
 II.— 9
 
 T30 Humphry Clinker 
 
 added fresh laurels to her fame, because it indicated a 
 yj noble contempt of wealth, which was proof against all 
 the arts of corruption. If poverty be a subject of 
 reproach, it follows, that wealth is the object of esteem 
 and veneration. In that case there are Jews and others 
 in Amsterdam and London, enriched by usury, pecula- 
 tion, and different species of fraud and extortion, who 
 are more estimable than the most virtuous and illustrious 
 members of the community ; an absurdity which no 
 man in his senses will offer to maintain. Riches are 
 certainly no proof of merit. Nay, they are often, if 
 not most commonly, acquired by persons of sordid 
 minds and mean talents. Nor do they give any 
 intrinsic worth to the possessor ; but, on the contrary, 
 tend to pervert his understanding, and render his 
 morals more depraved. 
 
 " But granting that poverty were really matter of 
 reproach, it cannot be justly imputed to Scotland. 
 No country is poor that can supply its inhabitants with 
 the necessaries of life, and even afford articles for 
 ^ exportation. Scotland is rich in natural advantages. 
 It produces every species of provision in abundance, 
 vast herds of cattle, and flocks of sheep, with a great 
 number of horses ; prodigious quantities of wool and 
 flax, with plenty of copse wood, and in some parts 
 large forests of timber. The earth is still more rich 
 below than above the surface. It yields inexhaustible 
 stores of coal, freestone, marble, lead, iron, copper, 
 and silver, with some gold. The sea abounds with 
 excellent fish, and salt to cure them for exportation ; 
 and there are creeks and harbours round the whole 
 kingdom, for the convenience and security of naviga- 
 tion. The face of the country displays a surprising 
 number of cities, towns, villas, and villages, swarming 
 with people ; and there seems to be no want of art, 
 industry, government, and police. — Such a kingdom
 
 Results of the Union 131 
 
 never can be called poor, in any sense of the word' 
 though there may be many others more powerful and 
 opulent. But the proper use of those advantages, and 
 the present prosperity of the Scotch, you seem to 
 derive from the Union of the two kingdoms." 
 
 I said, I supposed he would not deny that the 
 appearance of the country was much mended ; that the 
 people lived better, had more trade, and a greater 
 quantity of money circulating since the Union than 
 before. " I may safely admit these premises," an- 
 swered the lieutenant, " without subscribing to your 
 inference. The difference you mention, I should take 
 to be the natural progress of improvement. — Since that 
 period, other nations, such as the Swedes, the Danes, 
 and in particular the French, have greatly increased in 
 commerce, without any such cause assigned. Before 
 the Union, there was a remarkable spirit of trade ^^ 
 among the Scotch, as appeared in the case of their 
 Darien Company, in which they had embarked no 
 less than four hundred thousand pounds sterling ; and 
 in the flourishing state of the maritime towns in Fife, 
 and on the eastern coast, enriched by their trade with 
 France, which failed in consequence of the Union. 
 The only solid commercial advantage reaped from that 
 measure was the privilege of trading to the English 
 plantations ; yet, excepting Glasgow and Dumfries, I 
 don't know any other Scotch towns concerned in that 
 traffic. In other respects, I conceive the Scotch were 
 losers by the Union. They lost the independency of 
 their state, the greatest prop of national spirit ; they 
 lost their parliament, and their courts of justice were 
 subjected to the revision and supremacy of an English 
 tribunal." 
 
 " Softly, captain," cried I, " you cannot be said 
 to have lost your own parliament, while you are re- 
 presented in that of Great Britain." — "True," said
 
 132 Humphry Clinker 
 
 he, with a sarcastic grin, " in debates of national 
 competition, the sixteen peers and forty-five commoners 
 of Scotland must make a formidable figure in the scale, 
 against the whole English legislature." — " Be that as 
 it may," I observed, " while I had the honour to sit 
 in the Lower House, the Scotch members had always 
 the majority on their side." — "I understand you, sir," 
 said he, "they generally side with the majority; so 
 much the worse for their constituents. But even this 
 evil is not the worst they have sustained by the Union. 
 Their trade has been saddled with grievous imposi- 
 tions, and every article of living severely taxed, to pay 
 the interest of enormous debts contracted by the 
 English, in support of measures and connexions in 
 which the Scotch had no interest nor concern." I 
 begged he would at least allow,, that, by the Union, 
 the Scotch were admitted to all the privileges and 
 immunities of English subjects ; by which means, 
 multitudes of them were provided for in the army and 
 navy, and got fortunes in different parts of England 
 and its dominions. "All these," said he, "become 
 English subjects to all intents and purposes, and are in 
 a great measure lost to their mother country. The 
 ^spirit of rambling and adventure has been always 
 peculiar to the natives of Scotland. If they had not 
 met with encouragement in England, they would have 
 served and settled, as formerly, in other countries, 
 such as Muscovy, Sweden, Denmark, Poland, Ger- 
 many, France, Piedmont, and Italy, in all which 
 nations their descendants continue to flourish even at 
 this day." 
 
 By this time my patience began to fail, and I 
 exclaimed, " For God's sake, what has England got 
 by this Union, which, you say, has been so productive 
 of misfortune to the Scotch?" — "Great and mani- 
 fold are the advantages which England derives from
 
 / 
 
 North and South 133 
 
 the Union," said Lismahago, in a solemn tone. 
 "First and foremost, the settlement of the Protestant 
 succession, a point which the English ministry drove 
 with such eagerness, that no stone was left unturned to 
 cajole and bribe a few leading men, to cram the Union 
 down the throats of the Scottish nation, who were sur- 
 prisingly averse to the expedient. They gained by it 
 a considerable addition of territory, extending their 
 dominion to the sea on all sides of the island, thereby 
 shutting up all back doors against the enterprises of 
 their enemies. They got an accession of above a 
 million of useful subjects, constituting a never-failing 
 nursery of seamen, soldiers, labourers, and mechanics ; 
 a most valuable acquisition to a trading country, ex- 
 posed to foreign wars, and obliged to maintain a 
 number of settlements in all the four quarters of the 
 globe. In the course of seven years, during the last 
 war, Scotland furnished the English army and navy 
 with seventy thousand men, over and above those who 
 migrated to their colonies, or mingled with them at 
 home in the civil departments of life. This was a very 
 considerable and seasonable supply to a nation, whose 
 people had been for many years decreasing in number, 
 and whose lands and manufactures were actually suffer- 
 ing for want of hands. I need not remind you of the 
 hackneyed maxim, that, to a nation in such circum- 
 stances, a supply of industrious people is a supply of 
 wealth ; nor repeat an observation, which is now 
 received as an eternal truth, even among the English 
 themselves, that the Scotch who settle in South 
 
 Britain are remarkably sober, orderly, and industrious." [ 
 
 I allowed the truth of this remark, adding, that, by 
 their industry, economy, and circumspection, many of 
 them in England, as well as in her colonics, amassed 
 large fortunes, with which they returned to their own 
 country, and this was so much lost to South Britain. 
 
 ^
 
 \^ 
 
 134 Humphry Clinker 
 
 "Give me leave, sir," said he, "to assure you, that 
 in your fact you are mistaken, and in your deduction 
 eri'oneous. Not one in two hundred that leaves Scot- 
 land ever returns to settle in his own country ; and the 
 few that do return, cany thither nothing that can 
 possibly diminish the stock of South Britain ; for none 
 of their treasure stagnates in Scotland. There is a 
 continual circulation, like that of the blood in the 
 human body, and England is the heart, to which all 
 the streams which it distributes are refunded and 
 returned ; nay, in consequence of that luxury, which 
 our connexion with England hath greatly encouraged, 
 if not introduced, all the produce of our lands, and all 
 the profits of our trade, are engrossed by the natives of 
 South Britain ; for you will find that the exchange 
 between the two kingdoms is alwa3'^s against Scotland, 
 and that she retains neither gold nor silver sufficient for 
 her own circulation. The Scotch, not content with 
 their own manufactures and produce, which would 
 very well answer all necessary occasions, seem to vie 
 with each other in purchasing superfluities from Eng- 
 land, such as broadcloth, velvets, stuffs, silks, lace, 
 furs, jewels, furniture of all sorts, sugar, rum, tea, 
 chocolate, and coffee ; in a word, not only every mode 
 of the most extravagant luxury, but even many articles 
 of convenience, which they might find as good, and 
 much cheaper in their own country. For all these 
 particulars, England, I conceive, may touch about one 
 million sterling a year. I don't pretend to make an 
 exact calculation ; perhaps it may be something less, 
 and perhaps a great deal more. The annual revenue 
 arising from all the jirivate estates of Scotland 
 cannot fall short of a million sterling ; and I should 
 imagine their trade will amount to as much more. I 
 know, the linen manufacture alone returns near half a 
 million, exclusive of the home consumption of that
 
 Oats and Wheat 135 
 
 article. If, therefore, North Britain pays a balance of 
 a million annually to England, I insist upon it, that 
 country is more valuable to her, in the way of com- 
 merce, than any colony in her possession, over and 
 above the other advantages which I have specified ; 
 therefore, they are no friends either to England or 
 to truth, who affect to depreciate the northern part of 
 the United Kingdom." 
 
 I must own, I was at first a little nettled to find 
 myself schooled in so many particulars. Though I 
 did not receive all his assertions as gospel, I was not 
 prepared to refute them ; and I cannot help now 
 acquiescing in his remarks, so far as to think, that the 
 contempt for Scotland, which prevails too much on 
 this side of the Tweed, is founded on prejudice and 
 error. After some recollection, " Well, captain," said 
 I, " you have argued stoutly for the importance of 
 your own country. For my part, I have such a regard 
 for our fellow-subjects of North Britain, that I should 
 be glad to see the day when your peasants can afford 
 to give all their oats to their cattle, hogs, and poultry, 
 and indulge themselves with good wheaten loaves, 
 instead of such poor, unpalatable, and inflammatory 
 diet." Here again I brought myself into a premunire 
 with the disputatious Caledonian. He said, he hoped 
 he should never see the common people lifted out of 
 that sphere for which they were intended by nature 
 and the course of things ; that they might have some 
 reason to complain of their bread, if it were mixed, 
 like that of Norway, with saw-dust and fish-bones ; 
 but that oatmeal was, he apprehended, as nourishing 
 and salutary as wheat-flour, and the Scotch in general 
 thought it at least as savoury. He aflBrmcd, that a 
 mouse, which in the article of self-preservation, might 
 be supposed to act from infallible instinct, would 
 always prefer oats to wheat, as appeared from expcri- 
 
 yy
 
 136 Humphry Clinker 
 
 encc ; for, in a place where there was a parcel of each, 
 that animal had never begun to feed upon the latter 
 till all tlie oats were consumed. For their nutritive 
 quality, he appealed to the hale robust constitutions of 
 the people, who lived chiefly upon oatmeal ; and 
 instead of being inflammatory, he asserted, that it was 
 cooling, subacid, balsamic, and mucilaginous ; inso- 
 much, that, in all inflammatory distempers, recourse 
 was had to water-gruel, and flummery made of oat- 
 meal. 
 
 "At least," said I, "give me leave to wish them 
 such a degree of commerce as may enable them to fol- 
 low their own inclinations." — " Heaven forbid ! " cried 
 the philosopher. " Woe be to that nation where the 
 multitude is at liberty to follow their own inclinations ! 
 Commerce is undoubtedly a blessing, while restrained 
 within its proper channels ; but a glut of wealth brings 
 along with it a glut of evils. It brings false taste, false 
 appetite, false wants, profusion, venality, contempt of 
 order, engendering a spirit of licentiousness, insolence, 
 and faction, that keeps the community in continual 
 ferment, and in time destroys all the distinctions of 
 civil society ; so that universal anarchy and uproar 
 must ensue. Will any sensible man affirm, that the 
 national advantages of opulence are to be sought on 
 these terms ? No, sure ; — but I am one of those who 
 think, that, by proper regulations, commerce may pro- 
 duce every national benefit, without the allay of such 
 concomitant evils." 
 
 So much for the dogmata of my friend Lismahago, 
 whom I describe the more circumstantially, as I firmly 
 believe he will set up his rest in Monmouthshire. 
 Yesterday, while I was alone with him, he asked, in 
 some confusion, if I should have any objection to the 
 success of a gentleman and a soldier, provided he 
 should be so fortunate as to engage my sister's affection ?
 
 Two Original Figures 137 
 
 I answered, without hesitation, that my sister was old 
 enough to judge for herself; and that I should be very 
 far from disapproving any resolution she might take in 
 his favour. His eyes sparkled at this declaration. He 
 declared, he should think himself the happiest man on 
 earth to be connected with my family ; and that he should 
 never be weary of giving me proofs of his gratitude 
 and attachment. I suppose Tabby and he are already 
 agreed, in which case we shall have a wedding at 
 Brambleton Hall, and you shall give away the bride. 
 It is the least thing you can do, by way of atonement for 
 your former cruelty to that poor love-sick maiden, who 
 has been so long a thorn in the side of Yours, 
 Sept. 20. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 We have been at Buxton ; but, as I did not much 
 relish either the company or the accommodations, and 
 had no occasion for the water, we stayed but two nights 
 in the place. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Wat, — Adventures begin to thicken as we 
 advance to the southward. Lismahago has now pro- 
 fessed himself the admirer of our aunt, and carries on 
 his addresses under the sanction of her brother's appro- 
 bation ; so that we shall certainly have a wedding by 
 Christmas. I should be glad you was present at the 
 nuptials, to help me to throw the stocking, and perform 
 other ceremonies peculiar to the occasion. I am sure 
 it will be productive of some diversion ; and, truly, it 
 would be worth your while to come across the country 
 on purpose to see two such original figures in bed 
 together, with their laced night-caps ; he the emblem 
 of good cheer, and she the picture of good-nature. 
 All this agreeable prospect was clouded, and had well- 
 nigh vanished entirely, in consequence of a late mis-
 
 138 Humphry Clinker 
 
 understanding between the future brothers-in-law* 
 which, however, is now happily removed. 
 
 A few days ago, my uncle and I, going to visit a 
 relation, met with Lord Oxmington at his house, who 
 asked us to dine with him next day, and we accepted 
 the invitation. Accordingly, leaving our women under 
 the care of Captain Lismahago, at the inn where we 
 had lodged the preceding night, in a little town, about 
 a mile from his lordship's dwelling, we went at the 
 hour appointed, and had a fashionable meal, served up 
 with much ostentation, to a company of about a dozen 
 persons, none of whom we had ever seen before. His 
 lordship is much more remarkable for his pride and 
 caprice than for his hospitality and understanding ; 
 and, indeed, it appeared that he considered his guests 
 merely as objects to shine upon, so as to reflect the 
 lustre of his own magnificence. There was much 
 state, but no courtesy ; and a great deal of compliment, 
 without any conversation. 
 
 Before the dessert was removed, our noble enter- 
 tainer proposed three general toasts ; then calling for a 
 glass of wine, and bowing all round, wished us a good 
 afternoon. This was the signal for the company to 
 break up, and they obeyed it immediately, all except 
 our squire, who was greatly shocked at the manner of 
 this dismission. He changed countenance, bit his lip 
 in silence, but still kept his seat, so that his lordship 
 found himself obliged to give us another hint, by saying 
 he should be glad to see us another time. "There is 
 no time like the present time," cried Mr. Bramble ; 
 " your lordship has not yet drank a bumper to the 
 best in Christendom." — " I'll drink no more bumpers 
 to-day," answered our landlord; "and I am sorry to 
 see you have drank too many — order the gentleman's 
 carriage to the gate." So saying, he rose and retired 
 abruptly ; our squire starting up at the same time, lay-
 
 The Squire's Challenge 139 
 
 ing his hand upon his sword, and eyeing him with a 
 most ferocious aspect. The master having vanished in 
 this manner, our uncle bade one of the servants see 
 what was to pay; and the fellow answering, "This is 
 no inn " : — " I cry you mercy," said the other, " I 
 perceive it is not; if it were, the landlord would be 
 more civil. There's a guinea, however ; take it, and 
 tell your lord, that I shall not leave the country till I 
 have had an opportunity to thank him in person for his 
 politeness and hospitality." 
 
 We then walked downstairs through a double range 
 of lacqueys, and getting into the chaise, proceeded 
 homewards. Perceiving the squire much ruffled, I 
 ventured to disapprove of his resentment, observing, 
 that, as Lord Oxmington was well known to have his 
 brain very ill timbered, a sensible man should rather 
 laugh than be angry at his ridiculous want of breeding. 
 Mr. Bramble took umbrage at my presuming to be wiser 
 than he upon this occasion ; and told me, that, as he 
 had always thought for himself in every occurrence in 
 life, he would still use the same privilege, with my 
 good leave. 
 
 When we returned to our inn, he closeted Lisma- 
 hago ; and having explained his grievance, desired that 
 gentleman to go and demand satisfaction of Lord 
 Oxmington in his name. The lieutenant charged him- 
 self with this commission, and immediately set out 
 a-horseback for his lordship's house, attended, at his 
 own request, by my man Archy M'Alpin, who had 
 been used to military service ; and truly, if M'Alpin 
 had been mounted upon an ass, this couple might have 
 passed for the knight of La Mancha and his squire 
 Panza. It was not till after some demur, that Lisma- 
 hago obtained a private audience, at which he formally 
 defied his lordship to single combat, in the name of 
 Mr. Bramble, and desired him to appoint the time and
 
 140 Humphry Clinker 
 
 place. Lord Oxmlngton was so confounded at this 
 unexpected message, that he could not, for some time, 
 make any articulate reply; but stood staring at the 
 lieutenant with manifest marks of perturbation. At 
 length, ringing a bell with great vehemence, he ex- 
 claimed, " What ! a commoner send a challenge to a 
 peer of the realm! — Privilege! privilege! — Here's a 
 person brings me a challenge from the Welshman that 
 dined at my table. An impudent fellow! — My wine 
 is not yet out of his head." 
 
 The whole house was immediately in commotion. 
 M'Alpin made a soldierly retreat with the two 
 horses ; but the captain was suddenly surrounded and 
 disarmed by the footmen, whom a French valet-de- 
 chambre headed in this exploit ; his sword was passed 
 through a close-stool, and his person through the 
 horse-pond. In this plight he returned to the inn, 
 half mad with his disgrace. So violent was the rage 
 of his indignation, that he mistook its object. He 
 wanted to quarrel with Mr. Bramble ; he said he had 
 been dishonoured on his account, and he looked for 
 reparation at his hands. My uncle's back was up in a 
 moment ; and he desired him to explain his pretensions. 
 *' Either compel Lord Oxmington to give me satis- 
 faction," cried he, " or give it me in your person." — 
 " The latter part of the alternative is the most easy and 
 expeditious," replied the squire, starting up; "if you 
 are disposed for a walk, I'll attend you this moment." 
 Here they were interrupted by Mrs. Tabby, who 
 had overheard all that passed. She now burst into 
 the room, and running betwixt them, in great agita- 
 tion, " Is this your regard for me," said she to the 
 lieutenant, "to seek the life of my brother?" Lis- 
 mahago, who seemed to grow cool as my uncle grew 
 hot, assured her he had a very great respect for Mr. 
 Bramble, but he had still more for his own honour,
 
 His Lordship Apologises 141 
 
 which had suffered pollution ; but if that could be 
 once purified, he should have no farther cause for dis- 
 satisfaction. The squire said, he should have thought 
 it incumbent upon him to vindicate the lieutenant's 
 honour ; but as he now carved for himself, he might 
 swallow and digest it as well as he could. In a word, 
 what betwixt the mediation of Mrs. Tabitha, the 
 recollection of the captain, who perceived he had gone 
 too far, and the remonstrances of your humble servant, 
 who joined them at this juncture, those two originals 
 were perfectly reconciled ; and then we proceeded to 
 deliberate upon the means of taking vengeance for the 
 insults they had received from the petulant peer ; for 
 until that aim should be accomplished, Mr. Bramble 
 swore, with great emphasis, that he would not leave 
 the inn where we now lodged, even if he should pass 
 his Christmas on the spot. 
 
 In consequence of our deliberations, we next day, 
 in the forenoon, proceeded in a body to his lordship's 
 house, all of us, with our servants, including the coach- 
 man, mounted a-horseback, with our pistols loaded 
 and ready primed. Thus prepared for action, we 
 paraded solemnly and slowly before his lordship's 
 gate, which we passed three times, in such a manner, 
 that he could not but see us, and suspect the cause of 
 our appearance. After dinner we returned, and per- 
 formed the same cavalcade, which was again repeated 
 the morning following ; but we had no occasion to 
 persist in these manoeuvres. About noon we were 
 visited by the gentleman at whose house we had first 
 seen Lord Oxmington. He now came to make 
 apologies in the name of his lordship, who declared 
 he had no intention to give offence to my uncle, in 
 practising what had been always the custom of his 
 house ; and that as for the indignities which had been 
 put upon the officer, they were offered without his
 
 142 Humphry Clinker 
 
 lordship's knowledge, at the instigation of his valct- 
 de-chambre. "If that be the case," said my uncle, 
 in a peremptory tone, " I shall be contented with Lord 
 Oxmington's personal excuses; and I hope my' friend 
 will be satisfied with his lordship's turning that in- 
 solent rascal out of his service." — " Sir," cried Lis- 
 mahago, " I must insist upon taking personal vengeance 
 for the personal injuries I have sustained." 
 
 After some debate, the affair was adjusted in this 
 manner. His lordship, meeting us at our friend's 
 house, declared he was sorry for what had happened ; 
 and that he had no intention to give umbrage. The 
 valet-de-chambre asked pardon of the lieutenant upon 
 his knees, when Lismahago, to the astonishment of all 
 present, gave him a violent kick on the face, which 
 laid him on his back, exclaiming in a furious tone, 
 " Oui,je te pardonne, gens foutre." 
 
 Such was the fortunate issue of this perilous adven- 
 ture, which threatened abundance of vexation to our 
 family ; for the squire is one of those who will sacri- 
 fice both life and fortune, rather than leave what he 
 conceives to be the least speck or blemish upon his 
 honour and reputation. His lordship had no sooner 
 pronounced his apology, with a very bad grace, than 
 he went away in some disorder, and, I daresay, he 
 will never invite another Welshman to his table. 
 
 We forthwith quitted the field of this achievement, 
 in order to prosecute our journey ; but we followed no 
 determinate course. We make small deviations to see 
 the remarkable towns, villas, and curiosities on each 
 side of our route ; so that we advance by slow steps 
 towards the borders of Monmouthshire. But, in the 
 midst of these irregular motions, there is no aberration 
 nor eccentricity in that affection with which I am, 
 dear Wat, yours always, J. Melford. 
 
 September 28.
 
 Visit to an Old Friend 143 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Dick, — At what time of life may a man 
 think himself exempted from the necessity of sacrific- 
 ing his repose to the punctilios of a contemptible world \ 
 I have been engaged in a ridiculous adventure, which 
 I shall recount at meeting ; and this, I hope, will not 
 be much longer delayed, as we have now performed 
 almost all our visits, and seen everything that I think 
 has any right to retard us in our journey homewards. 
 A few days ago, understanding, by accident, that my 
 old friend Baynard was in the country, I would not 
 pass so near his habitation without paying him a visit, 
 though our correspondence had been interrupted for a 
 long course of years. 
 
 I felt myself very sensibly affected by the ideas of 
 our past intimacy, as we approached the place where 
 we had spent so many happy days together ; but when 
 we arrived at the house, I could not recognise any one 
 of those objects which had been so deeply impressed 
 upon my remembrance. The tall oaks that shaded the 
 avenue had been cut down, and the iron gates at the 
 end of it removed, together with the high wall that 
 surrounded the court-yard. The house itself, which 
 was formerly a convent of Cistercian monks, had a 
 venerable appearance ; and along the front tiiat looked 
 into the garden, was a stone gallery, which afforded 
 me many an agreeable walk, when I was disposed to 
 be contemplative. Now the old front is covered with 
 a screen of modern architecture ; so that all without is 
 Grecian, and all within Gothic. As for the garden, 
 which was well stocked with the best fruit which 
 England could produce, there is not now the least vestige 
 remaining of trees, walls, or hedges. Nothing appears 
 but a naked circus of loose sand, with a dry bason and 
 a leaden Triton in the middle.
 
 144 Humphry Clinker 
 
 You must know that Baynard, at his father's death 
 had a clear estate of fifteen hundred pounds a year, 
 and was in other respects extremely well qualified to 
 make a respectable figure in the commonwealth ; but, 
 what with some excesses of youth, and the expense of 
 a contested election, he, in a few years, found himself 
 encumbered with a debt of ten thousand pounds, which 
 he resolved to discharge by means of a prudent mar- 
 riage. He accordingly married a Miss Thomson, whose 
 fortune amounted to double the sum that he owed. 
 She was the daughter of a citizen who had failed in 
 trade ; but her fortune came by an uncle, who died in 
 the East Indies. Her own parents being dead, she 
 lived with a maiden aunt, who had superintended her 
 education, and, in all appearance, was well enough 
 qualified for the usual purposes of the married state. 
 Her virtues, however, stood rather upon a negative 
 than a positive foundation. She was neither proud, 
 insolent, nor capricious, nor given to scandal, nor ad- 
 dicted to gaming, nor inclined to gallantry. She could 
 read, and write, and dance, and sing, and play upon 
 the harpsichord, and smatter French, and take a hand 
 at whist and ombre ; but even these accomplishments 
 she possessed by halves. She excelled in nothing. 
 Her conversation was flat, her style mean, and her ex- 
 pression embarrassed. In a word, her character was 
 totally insipid. Her person was not disagreeable ; but 
 there was nothing graceful in her address, nor engaging 
 in her manners ; and she was so ill-qualified to do the 
 honours of the house, that when she sat at the head of 
 the table, one was always looking for the mistress of 
 the family in some other place. 
 
 Baynard had flattered himself that it would be no 
 difficult matter to mould such a subject after his own 
 fashion, and that she would cheerfully enter into his 
 views, which were wholly turned to domestic happi-
 
 A Foolish Wife 145 
 
 ness. He proposed to reside always in the country, of 
 which he was fond to a degree of enthusiasm ; to cul- 
 tivate his estate, which was very improvable ; to enjoy 
 the exercise of rural diversions ; to maintain an intimacy 
 of correspondence with some friends that were settled 
 in his neighbourhood ; to keep a comfortable house, 
 without suffering his expenses to exceed the limits of 
 his income ; and to find pleasure and employment for 
 his wife in the management and avocations of her own 
 family. This, however, was a visionary scheme, 
 which he never was able to realise. His wife was as 
 ignorant as a new-born babe of everything that related 
 to the conduct of a family ; and she had no idea of a 
 country life. Her understanding did not reach so far 
 as to comprehend the first principles of discretion ; and 
 indeed, if her capacity had been better than it was, her 
 natural indolence would not have permitted her to 
 abandon a certain routine to which she had been habi- 
 tuated. She had not taste enough to relish any rational^ 
 enjoyment ; but her ruling passion was vanity, not that 
 species which arises from self-conceit of superior 
 accomplishments, but that which is of a bastard and 
 idiot nature, excited by show and ostentation, which i 
 implies not even the least consciousness of any personal / 
 merit. 
 
 The nuptial peal of noise and nonsense being rung 
 out in all the usual changes, Mr. Baynard thought it 
 high time to make her acquainted with the particulars 
 of the plan which he had projected. He told her that 
 his fortune, though sufficient to afford all the comforts 
 of life, was not ample enough to command all the 
 superfluities of pomp and pageantry, which, indeed, 
 were equally absurd and intolerable. He therefore 
 hoped she would have no objection to their leaving 
 London in the spring, when he would take the oppor- 
 tunity to dismiss some unnecessary domestics, whom 
 n. — 10
 
 146 Humphry Clinker 
 
 he had hired for the occasion of their marriage. She 
 heard him in silence, and, after some pause, " So," said 
 she, "I am to be buried in the country ! " He was 
 so confounded at this reply, that he could not speak, 
 for some minutes : at length he told her he was much 
 mortliied to find he had proposed anything that was 
 disagreeable to her ideas. " I am sure," added he, 
 " I meant nothing more than to lay down a comfortable 
 plan of living within the bounds of our fortune, which 
 is but moderate." — " Sir," added she, *' you are the 
 best judge of your own affairs. My fortune, I know, 
 does not exceed twenty thousand pounds ; yet, even 
 with that pittance, I might have had a husband who 
 would not have begrudged me a house in London " — 
 "Good God! my dear," cried poor Baynard, in the 
 utmost agitation, " you don't think me so sordid — I 
 only hinted what I thought — but I don't pretend to 
 impose" — "Yes, sir," resumed the lady, "it is 
 your prerogative to command, and my duty to obey." 
 So saying, she burst into tears, and retired to her 
 chamber, where she was joined by her aunt. He 
 endeavoured to recollect himself, and act with vigour 
 of mind on this occasion ; but was betrayed by the 
 tenderness of his nature, which was the greatest defect 
 of his constitution. He found the aunt in tears, and 
 the niece in a fit, which held her the best part of eight 
 hours, at the expiration of which, she began to talk 
 incoherently about death and her dear husband, who 
 had sat by her all this time, and now pressed her hand 
 to his lips in a transport of grief and penitence for the 
 offence he had given. From thenceforward he care- 
 fully avoided mentioning the country ; and they con- 
 tinued to be sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex 
 of extravagance and dissipation, leading what is called 
 a fashionable life in town. About the latter end of 
 July, however, Mrs. Baynard, in order to exhibit a
 
 Mr. Baynard's Household 147 
 
 proof of conjugal obedience, desired, of her own 
 accord, that they might pay a visit to his country house, 
 as there was no company left in London. He would 
 have excused himself from this excursion, which was 
 no part of the economical plan he had proposed ; but 
 she insisted upon making this sacrifice to his taste and 
 prejudices, and away they went with such an equipage 
 as astonished the whole country. All that remained 
 of the season was engrossed by receiving and returning 
 visits in the neighbourhood ; and, in this intercourse, 
 it was discovered that Sir John Chickwell had a house 
 steward and one footman in livery more than the com- 
 plement of Mr. Baynard's household. This remark 
 was made by the aunt at table, and assented to by the 
 husband, who observed, that Sir John Chickwell might 
 very well afford to keep more servants than were found 
 in the family of a man who had not half his fortune. 
 Mrs. Baynard ate no supper that evening ; but was 
 seized with a violent fit, which completed her triumph 
 over tlie spirit of her consort. The two supernumerary 
 servants were added. The family plate was sold for 
 old silver, and a new service procured ; fashionable 
 furniture was provided, and the whole house turned 
 topsy-turvy. 
 
 At their return to London, in the beginning of 
 winter, he, with a heavy heart, communicated these 
 particulars to me in confidence. Before his marriage 
 he had introduced me to the lady as his particular 
 friend ; and I now offered, in that character, to lay 
 before her the necessity of reforming her economy, if 
 she had any regard to the interest of her own family, 
 or complaisance for the inclinations of her husband. 
 But Baynard declined my offer, on the supposition that 
 his wife's nerves were too delicate to bea r expostula-. 
 tionj and that it would only serve to overwhelm her 
 with such distress as would make himself miserable.
 
 148 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Baynaid is a man of spirit, and had she proved a 
 termagant, he would have known how to deal with 
 her ; but, either by accident or instinct, she fastened 
 upon the weak side of his soul, and held it so fast, that 
 he has been in subjection ever since. I afterwards 
 advised him to carry her abroad to France and Italy, 
 where he might gratify her vanity for half the expense 
 it cost him in England ; and this advice he followed 
 accordingly. She was agreeably flattered with the 
 idea of seeing and knowing foreign parts and foreign 
 fashions, of being presented to sovereigns, and 
 living familiarly with princes. She forthwith seized 
 the hint, which I had thrown out on purpose, and 
 even pressed Mr. Baynard to hasten his departure ; so 
 that, in a few weeks, they crossed the sea to France, 
 with a moderate train, still including the aunt, who was 
 her bosom counsellor, anc|,,ah£ttcdjier in all her oppo- 
 sition to her husband's will. Since that period I have 
 had little or no opportunity to renew our former 
 correspondence. All that I knew of his transactions 
 amounted to no more than that, after an absence of two 
 years, they returned so little improved in economy, 
 that they launched out into new oceans of extravagance, 
 which at length obliged him to mortgage his estate. 
 By this time she had borne him three children, of 
 which the last only survives, a puny boy of twelve or 
 thirteen, who will be ruined in his education by the 
 indulgence of his mother. 
 
 As for Baynard, neither his own good sense, nor 
 the dread of indigence, nor the consideration of his 
 children, has been of force sufficient to stimulate him 
 into the resolution of breaking at once the shameful 
 spell by which he seems enchanted. With a taste 
 capable of the most refined enjoyment, a heart glowing 
 with all the warmth of friendship and humanity, and a 
 disposition strongly turned to the more rational pleasures
 
 Domestic Unhappmess 149 
 
 of a retired and country life, he is hurried about in a 
 perpetual tumult, amidst a mob of beings pleased with 
 rattles, baubles, and gewgaws, so void of sense and 
 distinction, that even the most acute philosophy would 
 find it a very hard task to discover for what wise pur- 
 poses of Providence they were created. Friendship 
 is not to be found, nor can the amusements for which 
 he sighs be enjoyed, within the rotation of absurdity to 
 which he is doomed for life. He has long resigned 
 all views of improving his fortune by management and 
 attention to the exercise of husbandry, in which he 
 delighted ; and, as to domestic happiness, not the least 
 glimpse of hope remains to amuse his imagination. 
 Thus blasted in all his prospects, he could not fail to 
 be overwhelmed with melancholy and chagrin, which 
 have preyed upon his health and spirits in such a 
 manner, that he is now threatened with a consumption. 
 I have given you a sketch of the man whom the 
 other day I went to visit. At the gate we found a 
 great number of powdered lacqueys, but no civility. 
 After we had sat a considerable time in the coach, we 
 were told, that Mr. Baynard had rode out, and that 
 his lady was dressing ; but we were introduced to a 
 parlour, so very fine and delicate, that in all appear- 
 ance it was designed to be seen only, not inhabited. 
 The chairs and couches were carved, gilt, and covered 
 with rich damask, so smooth and sleek, that they 
 looked as if they had never been sat upon. There 
 was no carpet on the floor ; but the boards were rubbed 
 and waxed in such a manner, that we could not walk, 
 but were obliged to slide along them ; and, as for the 
 stove, it was too bright and polished to be polluted 
 with sea-coal, or stained by the smoke of any gross 
 material fire. When we had remained above half an 
 hour, sacrificing to the inhospitable powers in this 
 temple of cold reception, my friend Baynard arrived, and,
 
 150 Humphry Clinker 
 
 understanding we were in the house, made his appear- 
 ance, so meagre, yellow, and dejected, that I really 
 should not have known him, had I met with him in 
 any other place. Running up to me, with great eager- 
 ness, he strained me in his embrace, and his heart was 
 so full, that for some minutes he could not speak. 
 Having saluted us all round, he perceived our uncom- 
 fortable situation, and, conducting us into another 
 apartment, which had fire in the chimney, called for 
 chocolate ; then, withdrawing, he returned with a 
 compliment from his wife, and, in the meantime, pre- 
 sented his son Harry, a shambling blear-eyed boy, in 
 the habit of a hussar, very rude, forward, and imper- 
 tinent. His father would have sent him to a boarding- 
 school, but his mamma and aunt would not hear of his 
 lying out of the house ; so that there was a clergyman 
 engaged as his tutor in the family. 
 
 As it was but just turned of twelve, and the whole 
 house was in a commotion to prepare a formal enter- 
 tainment, I foresaw it would be late before we dined, 
 and proposed a walk to Mr. Baynard, that we might 
 converse together freely. In the course of this per- 
 ambulation, when I expressed some surprise that he 
 had returned so soon from Italy, he gave me to under- 
 stand, that his going abroad had not at all answered 
 the purpose for which he left England ; that, although 
 the expense of living was not so great in Italy as at 
 home, respect being had to the same rank of life in 
 both countries, it had been found necessary for him to 
 lift himself above his usual style, that he might be on 
 some footing with the counts, marquisses, and cavaliers, 
 with whom he kept company. He was obliged to 
 hire a great number of servants, to take off a great 
 variety of rich clothes, and to keep a sumptuous table 
 for the fashionable sorocconi of the country, who, 
 without a consideration of this kind, would not have
 
 Vanity Humbled 151 
 
 paid any attention to an untitled foreigner,, let his 
 family or fortune be ever so respectable. / Besides, 
 Mrs. Baynard was continually surrounded byaTl^in of 
 expensive loungers, under the dcnomination^f language- 
 masters, musicians, painters, and ciceroni ]^ and had 
 actually fallen into the disease of buying pictures and 
 antiques upon her own judgment, which was far from 
 being infallible. 
 
 At length she met with an affront, which gave her 
 a disgust to Italy, and drove her back to England with 
 some precipitation. By means of frequenting the 
 
 Duchess of B 's conversazione while her grace 
 
 was at Rome, Mrs. Baynard became acquainted with 
 all the fashionable people of that city, and was ad- 
 mitted to their assemblies without scruple. Thus 
 favoured, she conceived too great an idea of her own 
 importance, and, when the duchess left Rome, re- 
 solved to have a conversazione that should leave the 
 Romans no room to regret her grace's departure. She 
 provided hands for a musical entertainment, and sent 
 biglietti of invitation to every person of distinction ; 
 but not one Roman of the female sex appeared at her 
 assembly. She was that night seized with a violent 
 fit, and kept her bed three days, at the expiration of 
 which she declared that the air of Italy would be the 
 ruin of her constitution. In order to prevent this 
 catastrophe, she was speedily removed to Geneva, 
 from whence they returned to England by the way of 
 Lyons and Paris. By the time they arrived at Calais, 
 she had purchased such a quantity of silks, stuffs, and 
 laces, that it was necessary to hire a vessel to smuggle 
 them over, and this vessel was taken by a custom-house 
 cutter ; so that they lost the whole cargo, which had 
 cost them above eight hundred pounds. 
 
 It now appeared that her travels had produced no 
 effect upon her, but that of making her more expensive
 
 152 Humphry Clinker 
 
 and fantastic than ever. She affected to lead the 
 fashion, not only in point of female dress, but in every 
 article of taste and connoisseurship. She made a 
 drawing of the new fagade to the house in the country ; 
 she pulled up the trees, and pulled down the walls of 
 the garden, so as to let in the easterly wind, which Mr. 
 Baynard's ancestors had been at great pains to exclude. 
 To show her taste in laying out ground, she seized into 
 her own hand a farm of two hundred acres, about a 
 mile from the house, which she parcelled out into 
 walks and shrubberies, having a great bason in the 
 middle, into which she poured a whole stream that 
 turned two mills, and afforded the best trout in the 
 country. The bottom of the bason, however, was so 
 ill-secured that it would not hold the water, which 
 strained through the earth, and made a bog of the 
 whole plantation. In a word, the ground which 
 formerly paid him one hundred and fifty pounds 
 a year, now cost him two hundred pounds a year 
 to keep it in tolerable order, over and above the first 
 expense of trees, shrubs, flowers, turf, and gravel. 
 There was not an inch of garden ground left about the 
 house, nor a tree that produced fruit of any kind ; nor 
 did he raise a truss of hay or a bushel of oats for his 
 horses, nor had he a single cow to afford milk for his 
 tea, far less did he ever dream of feeding his own 
 mutton, pigs, and poultry ; every article of housekeep- 
 ing, even the most inconsiderable, was brought from the 
 next market town, at the distance of five miles, and 
 thither they sent a courier every morning to fetch hot 
 rolls for breakfast. In short, Baynard fairly owned 
 that he spent double his income, and that in a few 
 years he should be obliged to sell his estate for the 
 payment of his creditors. He said, his wife had such 
 delicate nerves, and such imbecility of spirit, that she 
 could neither bear remonstrance, be it ever so gentle,
 
 A Husband's Weakness 153 
 
 nor practise any scheme of retrenchment, even if she 
 perceived the necessity of such a measure. He had, 
 therefore, ceased struggling against the stream, and 
 endeavoured to reconcile himself to ruin, by reflecting, 
 that his child, at least, would inherit his mother's 
 fortune, which was secured to him by the contract 
 of marriage. 
 
 The detail which he gave me of his affairs filled 
 me at once with grief and indignation. I inveighed 
 bitterly against the indiscretion of his wife, and 
 reproached him with his unmanly acquiescence under 
 the absurd tyranny which she exerted. I exhorted 
 him to recollect his resolution, and make one effectual 
 effort to disengage himself from a thraldom equally 
 shameful and pernicious. I offered him all the assist- 
 ance in my power. I undertook to regulate his affairs, 
 and even to bring about a reformation in his family, if 
 he would only authorise me to execute the plan I 
 should form for his advantage. I was so affected by 
 the subject, that I could not help mingling tears with 
 my remonstrances ; and Baynard was so penetrated 
 with these marks of my affection, that he lost all power 
 of utterance. He pressed me to his breast with great 
 emotion, and wept in silence. At length he exclaimed, 
 " Friendship is undoubtedly the most precious balm of 
 life ! Your words, dear Bramble, have in a great 
 measure recalled me from an abyss of despondence in 
 which I have been long overwhelmed ; I will, upon 
 honour, make you acquainted with a distinct state of my 
 affairs, and, as far as I am able to go, will follow the 
 course you prescribe. But there are certain lengths 
 
 which my nature the truth is, there are tender 
 
 connexions, of which a bachelor has no idea. Shall I 
 own my weakness ? I cannot bear the thoughts of 
 making that woman uneasy." — " And yet," cried I, 
 " she has seen you unhappy for a series of years, un-
 
 154 Humphry Clinker 
 
 happy from her misconduct, without ever showing the 
 least inclination to alleviate your distress." — " Never- 
 theless," said he, " I am persuaded she loves me with 
 the most warm affection ; but these are incongruities in 
 the composition of the human mind which I hold to be 
 inexplicable." 
 
 I was shocked at his infatuation, and changed 
 the subject, after we had agreed to maintain a close 
 correspondence for the future. He then gave me to 
 understand that he had two neighbours, who, like 
 himself, were driven by their wives at full speed in the 
 high road to bankruptcy and ruin. All the three 
 husbands were of dispositions very different from each 
 other, and, according to this variation, their consorts 
 were admirably suited to the purpose of keeping them 
 all three in subjection. The views of the ladies were 
 exactly the same. They vied in grandeur, that is, in 
 ostentation, with the wife of Sir Charles Chickwell, 
 who had four times their fortune ; and she again 
 piqued herself upon making an equal figure with a 
 neighbouring peeress, whose revenue trebled her own. 
 Here then was the fable of the frog and the ox 
 realised in four different instances within the same 
 county ; one large fortune and three moderate estates 
 in a fair way of being burst by the inflation of female 
 vanity ; and, in three of these instances, three different 
 forms of female tyranny were exercised. Mr. Bay- 
 nard was subjugated by practising upon the tenderness 
 of his nature. Mr. Milksan, being of a timorous 
 disposition, truckled to the insolence of a termagant. 
 Mr. Sowerby, who was of a temper neither to be 
 moved by fits, nor driven by menaces, had the fortune 
 to be fitted with a helpmate who assailed him with the 
 weapons of irony and satire, sometimes sneering in the 
 way of compliment, sometimes throwing out sarcastic 
 comparisons implying reproaches upon his want of
 
 A Freezing Reception 155 
 
 taste, spirit, and generosity, by which means she 
 stimulated his passions from one act of extravagance to 
 another, just as the circumstances of her vanity 
 required. 
 
 All these three ladies have at this time the same 
 number of horses, carriages, and servants in and out of 
 livery, the same variety of dress, the same quantity of 
 plate and china, the like ornaments in furniture, and in 
 their entertainments they endeavour to exceed one 
 another in the variety, delicacy, and expense of their 
 dishes. I believe it will be found upon inquiry, that 
 nineteen out of twenty who are ruined by extravagance, 
 fall a sacrifice to the ridiculous pride and vanity of 
 silly women, whose parts are held in contempt by the 
 very men whom they pillage aud enslave. Thank 
 Heaven, Dick, that among all the follies and weak- 
 nesses of human nature, I have not yet fallen into that 
 of matrimony. 
 
 After Baynard and I had discussed all these matters 
 at leisure, we returned towards the house, and met 
 Jerry with our two women, who had come forth to 
 take the air, as the lady of the mansion had not yet 
 made her appearance. In short, Mrs. Baynard did 
 not produce herself till about a quarter of an hour 
 before dinner was upon the table. Then her huiband 
 brought her into the parlour, accompanied by her aunt 
 and son, and she received us with a coldness of 
 reserve sufficient to freeze the very soul of hospitality. 
 Though she knew I had been the intimate friend of her 
 husband, and had often seen me with him in London, 
 she showed no marks of recognition or regard, when I 
 addressed myself to her in the most friendly terms of 
 salutation. She did not express the common compli- 
 , ment of, / am glad to see you ; or, / hope you have 
 enjoyed your health since <we had the pleasure of suing you, 
 or some such words of course ; nor did she once open
 
 156 Humphry Clinker 
 
 her mouth in the way of welcome to my sister and my 
 niece, but sat in silence like a statue, with an aspect of 
 insensibility. Her aunt, the model upon which she 
 had been formed, was indeed the very essence of 
 insipid formality ; but the boy was very pert and 
 impudent, and prated without ceasing. 
 
 At dinner, the lady maintained the same ungracious 
 indifference, never speaking but in whispers to her 
 aunt ; and as to the repast, it was made up of a parcel 
 of kickshaws, contrived by a French cook, without one 
 substantial article adapted to the satisfaction of an 
 English appetite. The pottage was little better than 
 bread soaked in dish-washings, lukewarm. The 
 ragouts looked as if they had been once eaten and half 
 digested : the fricassees were involved in a nasty yellow 
 poultice, and the rotis were scorched and stinking, for 
 the honour of the fumet. The dessert consisted of 
 faded fruit and iced froth, a good emblem of our land- 
 lady's character ; the table-beer was sour, the water 
 foul, and the wine vapid ; but there was a parade of 
 plate and china, and a powdered lacquey stood behind 
 every chair, except those of the master and mistress of 
 the house, who were served by two valets dressed like 
 gentlemen. We dined in a large old Gothic parlour, 
 which was formerly the hall. It was now paved with 
 marble, and notwithstanding the fire, which had been 
 kindled about an hour, struck me with such a chill 
 sensation, that, when I entered it, the teeth chattered 
 in my jaws. In short, everything was cold, comfort- 
 less, and disgusting, except the looks of my friend 
 Baynard, which declared the warmth of his affection 
 and humanity. 
 
 After dinner, we withdrew into another apartment, 
 where the boy began to be impertinently troublesome 
 to my niece Liddy. He wanted a playfellow, for- 
 sooth, and would have romped with her, had she
 
 A Spoiled Child 157 
 
 encouraged his advances. He was even so impudent 
 as to snatch a kiss, at which she changed countenance, 
 and seemed uneasy ; and though his father checked 
 him for the rudeness of his behaviour, he became so 
 outrageous as to thrust his hand in her bosom ; an 
 insult to which she did not tamely submit, though one 
 of the mildest creatures upon earth. Her eyes sparkled 
 with resentment, she started up, and lent him such a 
 box in the ear, as sent him staggering to the other side 
 of the room. 
 
 " Miss Melford," cried his father, " you have treated 
 him with the utmost propriety. I am only sorry that 
 the impertinence of any child of mine should have 
 occasioned this exertion of your spirit, which I cannot 
 but applaud and admire." His wife was so far from 
 assenting to the candour of his apology, that she rose 
 from table, and taking her son .by the hand, " Come, 
 child," said she, " your father cannot abide you." So 
 saying, she retired with this hopeful youth, and was 
 followed by her governante. But neither the one nor 
 the other deigned to take the least notice of the com- 
 pany. 
 
 Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted ; but I per- 
 ceived his uneasiness was tinctured with resentment, 
 and derived a good omen from this discovery. 1 
 ordered the horses to be put to the carriage ; and, 
 though he made some efforts to detain us all night, I 
 insisted upon leaving the house immediately ; but 
 before I went away, I took an opportunity of speak- 
 ing to him again in private. I said everything I 
 could recollect, to animate his endeavours in shaking 
 off those shameful trammels. I made no scruple to 
 declare, that his wife was unworthy of that tender 
 complaisance which he had shown for her foibles. 
 That she was dead to all the genuine sentiments of 
 conjugal affection ; insensible of her own honour and 
 
 U
 
 158 Humphry Clinker 
 
 interest, and seemingly destitute of common sense and 
 reflection. I conjured him to remember what he 
 owed to his father's house, to his own reputation, and 
 to his family, including even this unreasonable woman 
 herself, who was driving on blindly to her own destruc- 
 tion. I advised him to form a plan for retrenching 
 superfluous expense, and try to convince the aunt of 
 the necessity for such a reformation, that she might 
 gradually prepare her niece for its execution ; and I 
 exhorted him to turn that disagreeable piece of formality 
 out of the house, if he should find her averse to his 
 proposal. 
 
 Here he interrupted me with a sigh, observing, that 
 such a step would undoubtedly be fatal to Mrs. Bay- 
 nard. " I shall lose all patience," cried I, " to hear 
 you talk so weakly. Mrs. Baynard's fits will never 
 hurt her constitution. I believe in my conscience they 
 are all affected. I am sure she has no feeling for your 
 distresses ; and when you are ruined, she will appear 
 to have no feeling for her own." Finally, I took his 
 word and honour, that he would make an effort, such 
 as I had advised ; that he would form a plan of 
 economy, and if he found it impracticable without my 
 assistance, he would come to Bath in the winter, where 
 I promised to give him the meeting, and contribute all 
 in my power to the retrieval of his affairs. With this 
 mutual engagement we parted ; and I shall think my- 
 self supremely happy, if by my means a worthy man, 
 whom I love and esteem, can be saved from misery, 
 disgrace, and despair. 
 
 I have only one friend more to visit in this part of 
 the country, but he is of a complexion very different 
 from that of Baynard. You have heard me mention 
 Sir Thomas Bulford, whom I knew in Italy. He is 
 now become a country gentleman ; but, being disabled 
 by the gout from enjoying any amusement abroad, he
 
 Sir Thomas Bulford 159 
 
 entertains himself within doors, by keeping open house 
 for all comers, and playing upon the oddities and 
 humours of his company. But he himself is generally 
 the greatest original at his table. He is very good- 
 humoured, talks much, and laughs without ceasing. I 
 am told, that all the use he makes of his understanding 
 at present is, to excite mirth, by exhibiting his guests 
 in ludicrous attitudes. I know not how far we may 
 furnish him with entertainment of this kind ; but I am 
 resolved to beat up his quarters, partly with a view to 
 laugh with the knight himself, and partly to pay my 
 respects to his lady, a good-natured, sensible woman, 
 with whom he lives upon very easy terms, although 
 she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir 
 to his estate. 
 
 And now, dear Dick, I must tell you for your 
 comfort, that you are the only man upon earth to 
 whom I would presume to send such a long-winded 
 epistle, which I could not find in my heart to curtail, 
 beOilfRt the subject interested the warmest passions of 
 my heart ; neither will I make any other apology to a 
 correspondent who has been so long accustomed to the 
 impertinence of Matt. Bramble. 
 
 Sept. 30. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Knight, — I believe there is something mis- 
 chievous in my disposition, for nothing diverts me so 
 much as to see certain characters tormented with false 
 terrors. — We last night lodged at the house of Sir 
 Thomas Bulford, an old friend of my uncle, a jolly 
 fellow, of moderate intellects, who, in spite of the 
 gout, which hath lamed him, is resolved to be merry 
 to the last ; and mirth he has a particular knack in 
 extracting from his guests, let their humour be never
 
 i6o Humphry Clinker 
 
 so caustic or refractory. Besides our company, there 
 was in the house a fat-headed justice of the peace, 
 called Frogmore, and a country practitioner in surgery, 
 who seemed to be our landlord's chief companion and 
 confidant. We found the knight sitting on a couch, 
 with his crutches by his side, and his feet supported on 
 cushions ; but he received us with a hearty welcome, 
 and seemed greatly rejoiced at our arrival. After tea, 
 we were entertained with a sonata on the harpsichord, 
 by Lady Bulford, who sung and played to admiration ; 
 but Sir Thomas seemed to be a little asinine in the 
 article of ears, though he affected to be in raptures ; 
 and begged his wife to favour us with an arietta of her 
 own composing. This arietta, however, she no sooner 
 began to perform, than he and the justice fell asleep ; 
 but the moment she ceased playing, the knight waked 
 snoring, and exclaimed, " cara ! what d'ye think, 
 gentlemen ? Will you talk any more of your Par- 
 golesi and your Corelli ? " At the same time, he 
 thrust his tongue in one cheek, and leered with one 
 eye at the doctor and me, who sat on his left hand. 
 He concluded the pantomime with a loud laugh, which 
 he could command at all times extempore. Notwith- 
 standing his disorder, he did not do penance at supper, 
 nor did he ever refuse his glass wlien the toast went 
 round, but rather encouraged a quick circulation both 
 by ])recept and example. 
 
 I soon jjerceived the doctor had made himself very 
 necessary to the baronet. He was the whetstone of 
 his wit, the butt of his satire, and his operator in cer- 
 tain experiments of humour, which were occasionally 
 tried upon strangers. Justice Frogmore was an excel- 
 lent subject for this species of philosophy. Sleek and 
 corpulent, solemn and shallow, he had studied Burn 
 with uncommon application ; but he studied nothing so 
 much as the art of living, that is, eating, well. This
 
 The Justice's Supper 1 6 1 
 
 fat buck had often afforded good sport to our landlord ; 
 and he was frequently started with tolerable success, in 
 the course of this evening ; but the baronet's appetite 
 for ridicule seemed to be chiefly excited by the appear- 
 ance, address, and conversation of Lismahago, whom 
 he attempted in all the different modes of exposition ; 
 but he put me in mind of a contest that I once saw 
 betwixt a young hound and an old hedgehog. The 
 dog turned him over and over, and bounced, and 
 barked, and mumbled ; but as often as he attempted to 
 bite, he felt a prickle in his jaws, and recoiled in 
 manifest confusion. The captain, when left to himself, 
 will not fail to t^rn his ludicrous side to the company ; 
 but if any man attempts to force him into that attitude, 
 he becomes stubborn as a mule, and unmanageable as 
 an elephant unbroke. 
 
 Divers tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice, 
 who ate a most unconscionable supper, and among other 
 things, a large plate of broiled mushrooms, which he 
 had no sooner swallowed than the doctor observed, 
 with great gravity, that they were of the kind called 
 champignons, which, in some constitutions, had a poison- 
 ous effect. Mr. Frogmore, startled at this remark, 
 asked, in some confusion, why he had not been so kind 
 as to give him that notice sooner. He answered, that 
 he took it for granted, by his eating them so heartily, 
 that he was used to the dish ; but as he seemed to be 
 under some apprehension, he prescribed a bumper of 
 plague-water, which the justice drank off immediately, 
 and retired to rest, not without marks of terror and 
 disquiet. 
 
 At midnight we were shown to our different cham- 
 bers, and in half an hour I was fast asleep in bed ; but 
 about three o'clock in the morning I was waked with 
 a dismal cry of Fire ! and, starting up, ran to the 
 window in my shirt. The night was dark and stormy ; 
 II. — II
 
 1 62 Humphry Clinker 
 
 and a number of people, half-dressed, ran backwards 
 and forwards through the court-yard, with links and 
 lanterns, seemingly in the utmost hurry and trepidation. 
 Slipping on my clothes in a twinkling, I ran down- 
 stairs, and, upon inquiry, found the fire was confined 
 to a back-stair, which led to a detached apartment 
 where Lismahago lay. By this time the lieutenant 
 was alarmed by a bawling at his window, which was in 
 the second storey, but he could not find his clothes in 
 the dark, and his room-door was locked on the outside. 
 The servants called to him, that the house had been 
 robbed ; that, without all doubt, the villains had taken 
 away his clothes, fastened the door, and set the house 
 on fire, for the staircase was in flames. In this 
 dilemma, the poor lieutenant ran about the room naked, 
 like a squirrel in a cage, popping out his head at the 
 window between whiles, and imploring assistance. At 
 length, the knight in person was brought out in his 
 chair, attended by my uncle and all the family, includ- 
 ing our aunt Tabitha, who screamed, and cried, and 
 tore her hair, as if she had been distracted. Sir Thomas 
 had already ordered his people to bring a long ladder, 
 which was applied to the captain's window, and now 
 he exhorted him earnestly to descend. There was no 
 need of much rhetoric to persuade Lismahago, who 
 forthwith made his exit by the window, roaring all the 
 time to the people below to hold fast the ladder. 
 
 Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion, it was 
 impossible to behold this scene without being seized 
 with an inclination to laugh. The rueful aspect of the 
 lieutenant in his shirt, with a quilted night- cap fastened 
 under his chin, and his long lank limbs and posteriors 
 exposed to the wind, made a very picturesque appear- 
 ance, when illuminated by the links and torches which 
 the servants held up to light him in his descent. All 
 the company stood round the ladder, except the knight,
 
 - y///- //'u/////y// /f'Av I'/"/'/ -^ ^.>////'f//f 
 
 fU/f
 
 ?l
 
 A False Alarm 163 
 
 who sat in the chair, exclaiming, from time to time, 
 "Lord have mercy upon us! — save the gentleman's 
 life — mind your footing, dear captain! softly! — stand 
 fast! — clasp the ladder with both hands! — there! — 
 well done, my dear boy! — O bravo! — an old soldier 
 for ever ! — bring a blanket — bring a warm blanket to 
 comfort his poor carcase — warm the bed in the green 
 room — give me your hand, dear captain — I'm rejoiced 
 to see thee safe and sound, with all my heart." Lis- 
 mahago was received at the foot of the ladder by his 
 inamorata, who, snatching a blanket from one of the 
 maids, wrapped it about his body ; two men-servants 
 took him under the arms, and a female conducted him 
 to the green room, still accompanied by Mrs. Tabitha, 
 who saw him fairly put to bed. During this whole 
 transaction, he spoke not a syllable, but looked exceed- 
 ingly grim, sometimes at one, sometimes at another of 
 the spectators, who now adjourned in a body to the 
 parlour where we had supped, every one surveying 
 another with marks of astonishment and curiosity. 
 
 The knight being seated in an easy-chair, seized my 
 uncle by the hand, and, bursting into a long and loud 
 laugh, *' Mat," cried he, "crown me with oak, or ivy, 
 or laurel, or parsley, or what you will, and acknow- 
 ledge this to be a coup de maitre in the way of waggery 
 — ha, ha, ha! — Such a camis'icata, scagUata heffata! — 
 che roba ! — O, what a subject ! — O, what caricatura ! 
 — O, for a Rosa, a Rembrandt, a Schalken ! — Zooks, 
 I'll give a hundred guineas to have it painted — what a 
 fine descent from the cross, or ascent to the gallows ! 
 what lights and shadows !— what a group below! 
 what expression above! — what an aspect! — did you 
 mind the aspect ? — ha, ha, ha ! — and the limbs, and the 
 muscles — every toe denoted terror ! — ha, ha, ha ! — 
 then the blanket! — O, what costume! St. Andrew! 
 St. Lazarus! St. Barrabas ! — ha, ha, ha!" — "After
 
 164 Humphry Clinker 
 
 all then," cried Mr. Bramble very gravely, " this was 
 no more than a false alarm. We have been frightened 
 out of our beds, and almost out of our senses, for the 
 joke's sake!" — "Ay, and such a joke!" cried our 
 landlord, "such a farce! such a denouement! such a 
 catastrophe!" 
 
 " Have a little patience," replied our squire, " we 
 are not yet come to the catastrophe ; and pray God it 
 may not turn out a tragedy instead of a farce. The 
 captain is one of those saturnine subjects, who have no 
 idea of humour. He never laughs in his own person ; 
 nor can he bear that other people should laugh at his 
 expense. Besides, if the subject had been properly 
 chosen, the joke was too severe in all conscience." 
 — "'Sdeath!" cried the knight, "I could not have 
 bated him an ace, had he been my own father ; and as 
 for the subject, such another does not present itself 
 once in half a century." Here Mrs. Tabitha inter- 
 posing, and bridling up, declared, she did not see that 
 Mr. Lismahago was a fitter subject for ridicule than 
 the knight himself; and that she was very much afraid, 
 he would very soon find he had mistaken his man. 
 The baronet was a good deal disconcerted by this 
 intimation, saying, that he must be a Goth and a bar- 
 barian, if he did not enter into the spirit of such a 
 happy and humorous contrivance. He begged, how- 
 ever, that Mr. Bramble and his sister would bring him 
 to reason ; and this request was reinforced by Lady 
 Bulford, who did not fail to read the baronet a lecture 
 upon his indiscretion, which lecture he received with 
 submission on one side of the face, and a leer upon the 
 other. 
 
 We now went to bed for the second time ; and 
 before I got up, my uncle had visited Lismahago in 
 the green room, and used such arguments with him, 
 that, when we met in the parlour, he seemed to be
 
 Tokens of Reconciliation 165 
 
 quite appeased. He received the knight's apology 
 with a good grace, and even professed himself pleased 
 at finding he had contributed to the diversion of the 
 company. Sir Thomas shook him by the hand, 
 laughing heartily ; and then desired a pinch of snufF, 
 in token of perfect reconciliation. The lieutenant 
 putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket, pulled out, 
 instead of his own Scotch mull, a very fine gold snuff- 
 box, which he no sooner perceived than he said, 
 " Here is a small mistake." — "No mistake at all," 
 cried the baronet ; " a fair exchange is no robbery. 
 Oblige me so far, captain, as to let me keep your mull as 
 a memorial." — " Sir," said the lieutenant, "the mull 
 is much at your service ; but this machine I can by no 
 means retain. It looks like compounding a sort of 
 felony in the code of honour. Besides, I don't know 
 but there may be another joke in this conveyance ; and 
 I don't find myself disposed to be brought upon the 
 stage again. I won't presume to make free with your 
 pockets, but I beg you will put it up again with your 
 own hand." So saying, with a certain austerity of 
 aspect, he presented the snuff-box to the knight, who 
 received it in some confusion, and restored the mull, 
 which he would by no means keep, except on the 
 terms of exchange. 
 
 This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the 
 conversation, when my uncle took notice that Mr. 
 Justice Frogmore had not made his appearance either 
 at the night alarm, or now at the general rendezvous. 
 The baronet hearing Frogmore mentioned, " Odso 1 " 
 cried he, " I had forgot the justice. Prithee, doctor, 
 go and bring him out of his kennel." Then laughing 
 till his sides were well shaken, he said he would show 
 the captain, that he was not the only person of the 
 drama exhibited for the entertainment of the company. 
 As to the night scene, it could not affect the justice,
 
 1 66 Humphry Clinker 
 
 who had been purposely lodged in the farther end of 
 the house, remote from the noise, and lulled with a 
 dose of opium into the bargain. In a few minutes, 
 Mr. Justice was led into the parlour in his night-cap 
 and loose morning-gown, rolling his head from side 
 to side, and groaning piteously all the way. " Jesu ! 
 neighbour Frogmore," exclaimed the baronet, " what 
 is the matter ; you look as if you was not a man for 
 this world. Set him down softly on the couch — poor 
 gentleman ? Lord have mercy upon us ! — What makes 
 him so pale, and yellow, and bloated ! " — *' Oh, Sir 
 Thomas ! " cried the justice, " I doubt it is all over with 
 me. These mushrooms I ate at your table have done my 
 business — ah ! oh ! hey ! " — " Now the Lord forbid ! " 
 said the other; "what! man — have a good heart. 
 How does thy stomach feel ? — hah." 
 
 To this interrogation he made no reply, but throw- 
 ing aside his nightgown, discovered that his waistcoat 
 would not meet upon his belly by five good inches at 
 least. "Heaven protect us all," cried Sir Thomas ; 
 " what a melancholy spectacle ; — never did I see a man 
 so suddenly swelled, but when he was either just dead, 
 or just dying — Doctor, canst thou do nothing for this 
 poor object?" — "I don't think the case is quite 
 desperate," said the surgeon, " but I would advise Mr. 
 Frogmore to settle his affairs with all expedition ; the 
 parson may come and pray by him, while I prepare a 
 clyster and an emetic draught." The justice rolling 
 his languid eyes, ejaculated with great fervency, " Lord 
 have mercy upon us! Christ have mercy upon us!" 
 Then he begged the surgeon, in the name of God, to 
 despatch — "As for my worldly afFaiis," said he, 
 " they are all settled but one mortgage, which must be 
 left to my heirs — but, my poor soul ! my poor soul ! 
 what will become of my poor soul ? — miserable sinner 
 that I am! " — "Nay, prithee, my dear boy, compose
 
 Frogmore's Agony 167 
 
 thyself," resumed the knight; "consider the mercy of 
 Heaven is infinite ; thou canst not have any sins of a very 
 deep dye on thy conscience, or the devil's in't." — 
 " Name not the devil," exclaimed the terrified Frog- 
 more, " I have more sins to answer for than the world 
 dreams of. Ah ! friend, I have been sly — sly — 
 d — n'd sly ! — Send for the parson without loss of 
 time, and put me to bed, for I am posting to eternity." 
 He was accordingly raised from the couch, and sup- 
 ported by two servants, who led him back to his room ; 
 but before he quitted the parlour, he entreated the 
 good company to assist him with their prayers. He 
 added, " Take warning by me, who am suddenly cut 
 off in my prime, like a flower of the field ; and God 
 forgive you. Sir Thomas, for suffering such poisonous 
 trash to be eaten at your table." 
 
 He was no sooner removed out of hearing than the 
 baronet abandoned himself to a violent fit of laughing, 
 in which he was joined by the greatest part of the 
 company ; but we could hardly prevent the good lady 
 from going to undeceive the patient, by discovering, 
 that, while he slept, his waistcoat had been straitened 
 by the contrivance of the surgeon ; and that the dis- 
 order in his stomach and bowels was occasioned by 
 some antimonial wine, which he had taken overnight, 
 under the denomination of plague- water. She seemed 
 to think that his apprehension might put an end to his 
 life. The knight swore he was no such chicken, but 
 a tough old rogue, that would live long enough to 
 plague all his neighbours. Upon inquiry we found 
 his character did not entitle him to much compassion 
 or respect, and therefore we let our landlord's humour 
 take its course. 
 
 A clyster was actually administered by an old 
 woman of the family, who had been Sir Thomas's 
 nurse, and the patient took a draught made of oxyniel
 
 1 68 Humphry Clinker 
 
 of squills to forward the operation of the antimonial 
 wine, which had been retarded by the opiate of the pre- 
 ceding night. He was visited by the vicar, who read 
 prayers, and began to take an account of the state of his 
 soul, when those medicines produced their effect ; so that 
 the parson was obliged to hold his nose while he poured 
 forth spiritual consolation from his mouth. The same 
 expedient was used by the knight and me, who, with 
 the doctor, entered the chamber at this juncture, and 
 found Frogmore enthroned on an easing-chair, under 
 the pressure of a double evacuation. The short inter- 
 vals betwixt every heave he employed in crying for 
 mercy, confessing his sins, or asking the vicar's opinion 
 of his case ; and the vicar answered, in a solemn 
 snuffling tone, that heightened the ridicule of the scene. 
 Th e emetic having done its office, the doctor interfered, 
 and ordered the patient to be put in bed again. When 
 he examined the egesta, and felt his pulse, he declared 
 that much of the virus was discharged ; and, giving 
 him a composing draught, assured him he had good 
 hopes of his recovery. This welcome hint he received 
 with tears of joy in his eyes, protesting, that, if he 
 should recover, he would always think himself indebted 
 for his life to the great skill and tenderness of his 
 doctor, whose hands he squeezed with great fervour ; 
 and thus he was left to his repose. 
 
 We were pressed to stay dinner, that we might be 
 witnesses of his resuscitation ; but my uncle insisted 
 upon our departing before noon, that we might reach 
 this town before it should be dark. In the meantime. 
 Lady Bulford conducted us into the garden to see a 
 fish pond, just finished, which Mr. Bramble censured 
 as being too near the parlour, where the knight now 
 sat by himself, dozing in an elbow-chair, after the 
 fatigues of his morning achievement. In this situation 
 he reclined with his feet wrapped in flannel, and sup-
 
 The Knight in the Pond 169 
 
 ported in a line with his body, when the door flying 
 open with a violent shock, Lieutenant Lismahago 
 rushed into the room, with horror in his looks, ex- 
 claiming, " A mad dog ! a mad dog ! " and throwing 
 up the window sash, leaped into the garden. Sir 
 Thomas, waked by this tremendous exclamation, 
 started up, and forgetting his gout, followed the lieu- 
 tenant's example by a kind of instinctive impulse. He 
 not only bolted through the window like an arrow 
 from a bow, but ran up to his middle in the pond 
 before he gave the least sign of recollection. Then 
 the captain began to bawl, " Lord have mercy upon us ! 
 pray take care of the gentleman! — for God's sake 
 mind your footing, my dear boy! — get warm blankets 
 — comfort his poor carcase — warm the bed in the green 
 room." 
 
 Lady Bulford was thunderstruck at this phenomenon, 
 and the rest of the company gazed in silent astonish- 
 ment, while the servants hastened to assist their master, 
 who suffered himself to be carried back into the par- 
 lour without speaking a word. Being instantly accom- 
 modated with dry clothes and flannels, comforted with 
 a cordial, and replaced in statu quo, one of the maids 
 was ordered to chafe his lower extremities, an operation 
 in consequence of which his senses seemed to return, 
 and his good-humour to revive. As we had followed 
 him into the room, he looked at every individual in his 
 turn, with a certain ludicrous expression in his coun- 
 tenance, but fixed his eye in particular upon Lisma- 
 hago, who presented him with a pinch of snuff; and 
 when he took it in silence, " Sir Thomas Bulford," 
 said he, " I am much obliged to you for all your 
 favours, and some of them I have endeavoured to 
 repay in your own coin." — "Give me thy hand," 
 cried the baronet ; "thou hast indeed paid me scot and 
 lot i and even left a balance in my hands, for which,
 
 lyo Humphry Clinker 
 
 in presence of this company, I promise to be account- 
 able." So saying, he laughed very heartily, and even 
 seemed to enjoy the retaliation which had been exacted 
 at his own expense ; but Lady Bulford looked very 
 grave ; and, in all probability, thouglit the lieutenant 
 had carried his resentment too far, considering that her 
 husband was valetudinary — but, according to the pro- 
 verb, he that iv'ill play at boivls must expect to meet ivith 
 rubbers. 
 
 I have seen a tame bear, very diverting when pro- 
 perly managed, become a very dangerous wild beast 
 when teased for the entertainment of the spectators. 
 As for Lismahago, he seemed to think the fright and 
 the cold bath would have a good effect upon his 
 patient's constitution ; but the doctor hinted some 
 apprehension that the gouty matter might, by such a 
 sudden shock, be repelled from the extremities, and 
 thrown upon some of the more vital parts of the 
 machine. I should be very sorry to see this prognostic 
 verified upon our facetious landlord, who told Mrs. 
 Tabitha at parting, that he hoped she would remember 
 him in the distribution of the bride's favours, as he had 
 taken so much pains to put the captain's parts and 
 mettle to the proof. After all, I am afraid our squire 
 will appear to be the greatest sufferer by the baronet's 
 wit ; for his constitution is by no means calculated for 
 night alarms. He has yawned and shivered all day, 
 and gone to bed without supper ; so that, as we have 
 got into good quarters, I imagine we shall make a halt 
 to-morrow ; in which case, you will have at least one 
 day's respite from the persecution of 
 
 Oct. 3. J. Melford. 
 
 To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall. 
 
 Dear Mary, — Miss Liddy is so good as to unclose 
 me in a kiver as fur as Gloster, and the carrier v/ill
 
 Mrs. Win's Opinions 171 
 
 bring it to hand. God send us all safe to Monmouth- 
 shire, for I'm quite jaded with rambling. 'Tis true 
 saying, live and learn. O woman, what chuckling and 
 changing have I seen 1 — Well, there's nothin sartin 
 in this world — Who would have thought that mistriss, 
 after all the pains taken for the good of her prusias 
 sole, would go for to throw away her poor body ? that 
 she would cast the hays of infection upon such a 
 carrying crow as Lashmyhago ! as old as Mathewsullin, 
 as dry as a red herring, and as pore as a starved 
 veezel — O Molly ! hadst thou seen him come down 
 the ladder, in a shurt so scanty, that it could not kiver 
 his nakedness ! The young squire called him Dun- 
 quickset ; but he looked for all the world like Cradoc- 
 ap-Morgan, the ould tinker that suffered at Abergany 
 for stealing of kettle. Then he's a profane sc-uffle, 
 and, as Mr. Clinker says, no better than an imp-fiddle, 
 continually playing upon the pyebill, and the new 
 burth. I doubt he has as little manners as money ; for 
 he can't say a civil word, much more make me a pre- 
 sent of a pair of gloves for good will ; but he looks as 
 if he wanted to be very foreward and familiar. O ! 
 that ever a gentlewoman of years and discretion should 
 tare her air, and cry, and disporridge herself for such 
 a nubjack ! as the song goes — 
 
 I vow she would fain have a burd 
 That bids such a price for an owl. 
 
 But, for sartain, he must have dealt with some 
 Scotch musician to bring her to this pass ; as for me, 
 I put my trust in the Lord, and I have got a slice of 
 witch-elm sowed in the gathers of my under petticoat ; 
 and Mr. Clinker assures me that, by the new light of 
 grease, I may defy the devil and all his works ; but I 
 nose what I nose. If mistress should take up with 
 T,ashmyhago, this is no sarvicc for nic. Thank God,
 
 172 Humphry Clinker 
 
 there's not want of places, and if it wan't for one thing, 
 I would — but, no matter. Madam Baynar's woman 
 has twenty good pounds a year and parquisites, and 
 dresses like a parson of distinkson. I dined with her 
 and the valey de shambles, with bags and golden 
 jackets ; but there was nothing kimfittable to eat, being 
 as how they live upon board, and having nothing but 
 a piss of could cuddling tart and some blamangey, I 
 was tuck with the cullick, and a murcy it was that 
 mistress had her viol of assings in the cox. 
 
 But, as I was saying, I think for sartin this match 
 will go forewood ; for things are come to a creesus, 
 and I have seen with my own heys such smuggling — 
 but I scorn for to exclose the secrets of the family ; 
 and if it wance comes to marrying, who nose but the 
 frolic may go round. I believes as how Miss Liddy 
 would have no reversion if her swan would appear ; 
 and you would be surprised, Molly, to receive a bride's 
 fever from your humble sarvant ; but this is all supposi- 
 tory, dear girl, and I have sullenly promised to Mr. 
 Clinker, that neither man, woman, nor child, shall no 
 that arrow said a civil thing to me in the way of 
 infection. I hopes to drink your health at Brambleton 
 Hall, in a horn of October, before the month be out. 
 Pray let my bed be turned once a-day, and the win- 
 dore opened, while the weather is dry ; and burn a 
 few billets with some brush in the footman's garret, 
 and see their mattrash be dry as a bone ; for both our 
 gentlemen have got a sad could by lying in damp shits 
 at Sir Tummus Ballfart's. No more at present, but 
 my sarvice to Saul and the rest of our fellow-sarvants, 
 being Dear Mary Jones, always yours, 
 
 Oct. 4. Win. Jenkins.
 
 Tired of Tumult 173 
 
 To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester. 
 
 My dear Letty, — This method of writing to you 
 from time to time, without any hopes of an answer, 
 affords me, I own, some ease and satisfaction in the 
 midst of my disquiet, as it in some degree lightens 
 the burden of affliction ; but it is at best a very im- 
 perfect enjoyment of friendship, because it admits of 
 no return of confidence and good counsel. I would 
 give the whole world to have your company for a 
 single day. I am heartily tired of this itinerant way 
 of life. I am quite dizzy with a perpetual succession 
 of objects ; besides, it is impossible to travel such a 
 length of way, without being exposed to inconveniences, 
 dangers, and disagreeable accidents, which prove very 
 grievous to a poor creature of weak nerves like me, and 
 make me pay very dear for the gratification of my 
 curiosity. 
 
 Nature never intended me for the busy world ; I 
 long for repose and solitude, where I can enjoy that 
 disinterested friendship which is not to be found among 
 crowds, and indulge those pleasing reveries that shun 
 the hurry and tumult of fashionable society. Unex- 
 perienced as I am in the commerce of life, I have seen 
 enough to give me a disgust to the generality of those 
 who carry it on ; there is such malice, treachery, and 
 dissimulation, even among professed friends and inti- 
 mate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous 
 mind with horror ; and when vice quits the stage for 
 a moment, her place is immediately occupied by folly, 
 which is often too serious to excite anything but com- 
 passion. Perhaps I ought to be silent on the foibles of 
 my poor aunt ; but with you, my dear Willis, I have 
 no secrets ; and truly her weaknesses are such as can- 
 not be concealed. Since the first moment we arrived 
 at Bath, she has been employed constantly in spreading
 
 174 Humphry Clinker 
 
 nets for the other sex ; and at length she has caught a 
 superannuated lieutenant, who is in a fair way to make 
 her change her name. My uncle and my brother 
 seem to have no objection to this extraordinary match, 
 which, I make no doubt, will afford abundance of 
 matter of conversation and mirth ; for my part, I am 
 too sensible of my own weaknesses to be diverted 
 with those of other people. At present I have some- 
 thing at heart that employs my whole attention, and 
 keeps my mind in the utmost terror and suspense. 
 
 Yesterday, in the forenoon, as I stood with my 
 brother at the parlour window of an inn where we had 
 lodged, a person passed a-horseback, whom, gracious 
 Heaven ! I instantly discovered to be Wilson ! He 
 wore a white riding coat, with the cape buttoned up to 
 his chin ; looked remarkably pale, and passed at a round 
 trot, without seeming to observe us ; indeed he could 
 not see us, for there was a blind that concealed us from 
 the view. You may guess how I was affected at this 
 apparition. The light forsook my eyes, and I was 
 seized with such a palpitation and trembling that I 
 could not stand. I sat down upon a couch, and strove 
 to compose myself, that my brother might not perceive 
 my agitation ; but it was impossible to escape his 
 prying eyes. He had observed the object that alarmed 
 me, and doubtless knew him at the first glance. He 
 now looked at me with a stern countenance, then he 
 ran out into the street, to see what road the unfortunate 
 horseman had taken. He afterwards despatched his 
 man for farther intelligence, and seemed to meditate 
 some violent design. My uncle being out of order, we 
 remained another night at the inn ; and all day long 
 Jerry acted the part of an indefatigable spy upon my 
 conduct ; he watched my very looks with such eager- 
 ness of attention, as if he would have penetrated into 
 the inmost recesses of my heart. This may be owing
 
 Unexpected Apparition 175 
 
 to his regard for my honour, if it is not the effect of 
 his own pride ; but he is so hot, and violent, and unre- 
 lenting, that the sight of him alone throws me into a 
 flutter ; and really it will not be in my power to afford 
 him any share of my affection, if he persists in perse- 
 cuting me at this rate. I am afraid he has formed 
 some scheme of vengeance, which will make me com- 
 pletely wretched ! I am afraid he suspects some col- 
 lusion from this appearance of Wilson. Good God ! 
 did he really appear ! or was it only a phantom, a 
 pale spectre to apprise me of his death ! 
 
 O Letty, what shall I do ? where shall I turn for 
 advice and consolation ? shall I implore the protection 
 of my uncle, who has been always kind and com- 
 passionate ? — this must be my last resource. I dread 
 the thoughts of making him uneasy, and would rather 
 suffer a thousand deaths than live the cause of dissension 
 in the family. I cannot perceive the meaning of 
 Wilson's coming hither ; perhaps he was in quest of 
 us, in order to disclose his real name and situation ; 
 but wherefore pass without staying to make the least 
 inquiry ? My dear Willis, I am lost in conjecture ; I 
 have not closed an eye since I saw him. All night 
 long have I been tossed about from one imagination 
 to another. The reflection finds no resting-place. I 
 have prayed, and sighed, and wept plentifully. If 
 this terrible suspense continues much longer, I shall 
 have another fit of illness, and then the whole family 
 will be in confusion. If it was consistent with the 
 wise purposes of Providence, would I were in my 
 grave ; but it is my duty to be resigned. My dearest 
 Letty, excuse my weakness, excuse these blots ; my 
 tears fall so fast that I cannot keep the paper dry ; yet 
 I ought to consider that I have as yet no cause to 
 despair; but I am such a faint-hearted, timorous 
 creature !
 
 176 Humphry Clinker 
 
 Thank God, my uncle is much better than he was 
 yesterday ; he is resolved to pursue our journey straight 
 to Wales. I hope we shall take Gloucester in our 
 way ; that hope cheers my poor heart : I shall once 
 more embrace my best beloved Willis, and pour all 
 my griefs into her friendly bosom. O Heaven 1 is it 
 possible that such happiness is reserved for 
 The dejected and forlorn 
 
 October 4. Lydia Melford. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus Collegey Oxon. 
 
 Dear Watkin, — I yesterday met with an incident 
 which I believe you will own to be very surprising. 
 As I stood with Liddy at the window of the inn 
 where we had lodged, who should pass by but Wilson 
 a-horseback ? I could not be mistaken in the person, 
 for I had a full view of him as he advanced ; I plainly 
 perceived by my sister's confusion that she recognised 
 him at the same time. I was equally astonished and 
 incensed at his appearance, which I could not but 
 interpret into an insult, or something worse. I ran 
 out at the gate, and, seeing him turn the corner of the 
 street, I despatched my servant to observe his motions, 
 but the fellow was too late to bring me that satisfaction. 
 He told me, however, that there was an inn, called the 
 Red Lion, at that end of the town, where he supposed 
 the horseman had alighted, but that he would not 
 inquire without farther orders. I sent him back im- 
 mediately to know what strangers were in the house, 
 and he returned with a report that there was one Mr. 
 Wilson lately arrived. In consequence of this infor- 
 mation, I charged him with a note directed to that 
 gentleman, desiring him to meet me in half an hour, in 
 a certain field at the town's end, with a case of pistols, 
 in order to decide the difference which could not be
 
 Melford Mistaken 177 
 
 determined at our last rencontre ; but I did not think 
 proper to subscribe the billet. My man assured me he 
 had delivered it into his own hand ; and that, having 
 read it, he declared he would wait upon the gentleman 
 at the place and time appointed. 
 
 M'Alpin being an old soldier, and luckily sober at 
 the time, I intrusted him with my secret. I ordered 
 him to be within call ; and, having given him a letter 
 to be delivered to my uncle in case of accident, I 
 repaired to the rendezvous, which was an enclosed 
 field at a little distance from the highway. I found 
 my antagonist had already taken his ground, wrapped 
 in a dark horseman's coat, with a laced hat flapped 
 over his eyes ; but what was my astonishment, when, 
 throwing off this wrapper, he appeared to be a person 
 whom I had never seen before ! He had one pistol 
 stuck in a leather belt, and another in his hand ready 
 for action, and, advancing a few steps, called to know 
 if I was ready ; I answered " No," and desired a 
 parley ; upon which he turned the muzzle of his piece 
 towards the earth, then replaced it in his belt, and met 
 me half-way. 
 
 When I assured him he was not the man I expected 
 to meet, he said /'/ might be so ; that he had received a 
 slip of paper directed to Mr. Wilson, requesting him 
 to come hither ; and that, as there was no other in the 
 place of that name, he naturally concluded the note 
 was intended for him, and him only. I then gave him 
 to understand that I had been injured by a person who 
 assumed that name, which person I had actually seen 
 within the hour, passing through the street on horse- 
 back ; that hearing there was a Mr. Wilson at the 
 Red Lion, I took it for granted he was the man, and 
 in that belief had writ the billet ; and I expressed my 
 surprise, that he, who was a stranger to me and my 
 concerns, should give me such a rendezvous, without 
 II. — 12
 
 lyS Humphry Clinker 
 
 taking the trouble to demand a previous explanation. 
 He replied, that there was no other of his name in the 
 whole country ; that no such horseman had alighted at 
 the Red Lion since nine o'clock, when he arrived ; 
 that, having had the honour to serve his Majesty, he 
 thought he could not decently decline any invitation of 
 this kind, from what quarter soever it might come ; 
 and that, if any explanation was necessary, it did not 
 belong to him to demand it, but to the gentleman who 
 summoned him into the field. 
 
 Vexed as I was at this adventure, I could not help 
 admiring the coolness of this officer, whose open 
 countenance prepossessed me in his favour. He 
 seemed to be turned of forty ; wore his own short 
 black hair, which curled naturally about his ears, 
 and was very plain in his apparel. When I begged 
 pardon for the trouble I had given him, he received 
 my apology with great good-humour. He told me 
 that he lived about ten miles off, at a small farm-house, 
 which would afford me tolerable lodging, if I would 
 come and take the diversion of hunting with him for a 
 few weeks ; in which case, we might perhaps find out 
 the man who had given me offence. I thanked him 
 very sincerely for his courteous offer, which, I told 
 him, I was not at liberty to accept at present, on 
 account of my being engaged in a family party ; and so 
 we parted, with mutual expressions of goodwill and 
 esteem. 
 
 Now tell me, dear knight, what am I to make of 
 this singular adventure ? Am I to suppose that the 
 horseman I saw was really a thing of flesh and blood, 
 or a bubble that vanished into air ; or must I imagine 
 Liddy knows more of the matter than she chooses to 
 disclose ? If I thought her capable of carrying on any 
 clandestine correspondence with such a fellow, I should 
 at once discard all tenderness, and forget that she was
 
 Upset in the River 179 
 
 connected with me by the ties of blood- But how is 
 it possible that a girl of her simplicity and inexperience 
 should maintain such an intercourse, surrounded as she 
 is with so many eyes, destitute of all opportunity, and 
 shifting quarters every day of her life ? Besides, she 
 has solemnly promised — No, I can't think the girl so 
 base, so insensible to the honour of her family. What 
 disturbs me chiefly is the impression which these occur- 
 rences seem to make upon her spirits. These are the 
 symptoms from which I conclude that the rascal has 
 still a hold on her affection — surely I have a right to 
 call him a rascal, and to conclude that his designs are 
 infamous ; but it shall be my fault if he does not one 
 day repent his presumption. I confess I cannot think, 
 much less write on this subject with any degree of 
 temper or patience ; I shall therefore conclude with 
 telling you, that we hope to be in Wales by the latter 
 end of the month ; but before that period you will 
 probably hear again from 
 
 Your affectionate, 
 October 4. J. Melford. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Phillips, — When I wrote you by last post, I 
 did not imagine I should be tempted to trouble you 
 again so soon ; but I now sit down with a heart so full, 
 that it cannot contain itself; though I am under such 
 agitation of spirits, that you are to expect neither 
 method nor connexion in this address. We have been 
 this day within a hair's-breadth of losing honest 
 Matthew Bramble, in consequence of a cursed acci- 
 dent, which I will endeavour to explain. In crossing 
 the country to get into the post-road, it was necessary 
 to ford a river, and we that were a-horseback passed 
 without any danger or difficulty ; but a great quantity
 
 i8o Humphry Clinker 
 
 of rain having fallen last night and this morning, there 
 was such an accumulation of water, that -a mill-head 
 gave way, just as the coach was passing under it, and 
 the flood rushed down with such impetuosity, as first 
 floated, and then fairly overturned the carriage in the 
 middle of the stream. 
 
 Lismahago and I, and the two servants, alighting 
 instantaneously, ran into the river to give all the assist- 
 ance in our power. Our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, who 
 had the good fortune to be uppermost, was already 
 half-way out of the coach window, when her lover 
 approaching, disengaged her entirely ; but, whether 
 his foot slipped, or the burthen was too great, they fell 
 over head and ears in each other's arms. He endeav- 
 oured more than once to get up, and even to disen- 
 tangle himself from her embrace, but she hung about 
 his neck like a millstone (no bad emblem of matri- 
 mony) ; and if my man had not proved a staunch 
 auxiliary, those two lovers would in all probability 
 have gone hand in hand to the shades below. For my 
 part, I was too much engaged to take any cognisance 
 of their distress. I snatched out my sister by the hair 
 of the head, and, dragging her to the bank, recollected 
 that my uncle had not yet appeared. Rushing again 
 into the stream, I met Clinker haling ashore Mrs. 
 Jenkins, who looked like a mermaid with her hair 
 dishevelled about her ears ; but, when I asked if his 
 master was safe, he forthwith shook her from him, and 
 she must have gone to pot, if a miller had not season- 
 ably come to her relief. 
 
 As for Humphry, he flew like lightning to the 
 coach, that was by this time filled with water, and, 
 diving into it, brought up the poor squire, to all appear- 
 ance deprived of life. It is not in my power to 
 describe what I felt at this melancholy spectacle. It 
 was such an agony as baffles all description ! The
 
 Mr. Bramble Rescued 1 8 1 
 
 faithful Clinker, taking him up in his arms, as if he 
 had been an infant of six months, carried him ashore, 
 howling most piteously all the way, and I followed 
 him in a transport of grief and consternation. When 
 he was laid upon the grass, and turned from side to 
 side, a great quantity of water ran out at his mouth, 
 then he opened his eyes, and fetched a deep sigh. 
 Clinker, perceiving these signs of life, immediately tied 
 up his arm with a garter, and, pulling out a horse- 
 fleam, let him blood in the farrier style. At first a 
 few drops only issued from the orifice ; but the arm 
 being chafed, in a little time the blood began to flow 
 in a continued stream ; and he uttered some incoherent 
 words, which were the most welcome sounds that 
 ever saluted my ear. There was a country inn hard 
 by, the landlord of which had by this time come with 
 his people to give their assistance. Thither my uncle 
 being carried, was undressed, and put to bed, wrapped 
 in warm blankets ; but having been moved too soon, 
 he fainted away, and once more lay without sense or 
 motion, notwithstanding all the efforts of Clinker and 
 the landlord, who bathed his temples with Hungary- 
 water, and held a smelling-bottle to his nose. 
 
 As I had heard of the efficacy of salt in such cases, 
 I ordered all that was in the house to be laid under his 
 head and body ; and whether this application had the 
 desired effect, or Nature of herself prevailed, he, in 
 less than a quarter of an hour, began to breathe regu- 
 larly, and soon retrieved his recollection, to the un- 
 speakable joy of all the bystanders. As for Clinker, 
 his brain seemed to be affected. He laughed and 
 wept, and danced about in such a distracted manner, 
 that the landlord very judiciously conveyed him out of 
 the room. My uncle, seeing me dropping wet, com- 
 prehended the whole of what had happened, and asked 
 if all the company was safe. Being answered in the
 
 1 82 Humphry Clinker 
 
 affirmative, he insisted upon my putting on dry clothes; 
 and, having swallowed a little warm wine, desired he 
 might be left to his repose. Before I went to shift 
 myself, I inquired about the rest of the family. I 
 found Mrs. Tabitha still delirious from her fright, dis- 
 charging very copiously the water she had swallowed. 
 She was supported by the captain, distilling drops from 
 his uncurled periwig, so lank and so dank, that he 
 looked like Father Thame without his sedges, embrac- 
 ing Isis, v/hile she cascaded in his urn. Mrs. Jenkins 
 was present also, in a loose bedgown, without either 
 cap or handkerchief; but she seemed to be as little 
 compos mentis as her mistress, and acted so many cross 
 purposes in the course of her attendance, that, between 
 the two, I.ismahago had occasion for all his philosophy. 
 As for Liddy, I thought the poor girl would have 
 actually lost her senses. The good woman of the house 
 had shifted her linen, and put her into bed ; but she 
 was seized with the idea that her uncle had perished, 
 and, in this persuasion, made a dismal outcry ; nor did 
 she pay the least regard to what I said, when I 
 solemnly assured her he was safe. 
 
 Mr. Bramble hearing the noise, and being informed 
 of her apprehension, desired she might be brought into 
 his chamber ; and she no sooner received this intima- 
 tion, than she ran thither half-naked, with the wildest 
 expression of eagerness in her countenance. Seeing the 
 squire sitting up in the bed, she sprung forwards, and 
 throwing her arms about his neck, exclaimed, in a 
 most pathetic tone, " Are you — are you indeed my 
 uncle — my dear uncle ! — my best friend ! — my father ! 
 Are you really living? or is it an illusion of my poor 
 brain ? " Honest Matthew was so much affected, that 
 he could not help shedding tears, while he kissed her 
 forehead, saying, "My dear Liddy, I hope 1 shall live 
 long enough to show how sensible I am of your affec-
 
 Clinker Rewarded 183 
 
 tion. But your spirits are Huttered, child — you want 
 rest — go to bed and compose yourself" — "Well, I 
 will," she replied ; " but still methinks this cannot be 
 real. The coach was full of water — my uncle was 
 under us all. Gracious God 1 — you was under water 
 — how did you get out ? Tell me that ; or I shall 
 think this is all a deception." — " In what manner I 
 was brought out, I know as little as you do, my dear," 
 said the squire; "and truly that is a circumstance of 
 which I want to be informed." I would have given 
 him a detail of the whole adventure, but he would not 
 hear me until I should change my clothes ; so that I 
 had only time to tell him, that he owed his life to the. 
 courage and fidelity of Clinker ; and, having given him 
 this hint, I conducted my sister to her own chamber. 
 
 This accident happened about three o'clock in the 
 afternoon, and in little more than half an hour the 
 hurricane was all over ; but as the carriage was found 
 to be so much damaged, that it could not proceed 
 without considerable repairs, a blacksmith and wheel- 
 wright were immediately sent for to the next market 
 town, and we congratulated ourselves upon being 
 housed at an inn, which, though remote from the post- 
 road, afforded exceeding good lodging. The women 
 being pretty well composed, and the men all afoot, 
 my uncle sent for his servant, and, in the presence of 
 Lismahago and me, accosted him in these words — 
 "So, Clinker, I find you are resolved I shan't die by 
 water. As you have fished me up from the bottom at 
 your own risk, you are at least entitled to all the money 
 that was in my pocket, and there it is." So saying, 
 he presented him with a purse containing thirty guineas, 
 and a ring nearly of the same value. "God forbid! " 
 cried Clinker — "your honour shall excuse me. I am 
 a poor fellow ; but I have a heart. O ! if your honour 
 did but know how I rejoiced to sec — blessed be his
 
 184 Humphry Clinker 
 
 holy name, that made me the humble instrument — but 
 as for the lucre of gain, I renounce it — I have done 
 no more than my duty — no more than I would have 
 done for the most worthless of my fellow-creatures — no 
 more than I would have done for Captain Lismahago, 
 or Archy M'Alpin, or any sinner upon earth — but for 
 your worship, I would go through fire as well as water." 
 
 " I do believe it, Humphry," said the squire; *' but 
 as you think, it was your duty to save my life at the 
 hazard of your own, I think it is mine to express the 
 sense I have of your extraordinary fidelity and attach- 
 ment. I insist upon your receiving this small token 
 of my gratitude ; but don't imagine that I look 
 upon this as an adequate recompense for the service 
 you have done me. I have determined to settle thirty 
 pounds a year upon you for life ; and I desire these 
 gentlemen will bear witness to this my intention, of 
 which I have a memorandum in my pocket-book." — 
 " Lord make me thankful for all these mercies ! " cried 
 Clinker, sobbing ; "I have been a poor bankrupt from 
 the beginning. Your honour's goodness found me 
 when I was — naked — when I was — sick and forlorn 
 — I understand your honour's looks — I would not give 
 offence— but my heart is very full — and if your wor- 
 ship won't give me leave to speak — I must vent it in 
 prayers to Heaven for my benefactor." When he 
 quitted the room, Lismahago said, he should have a 
 much better opinion of his honesty, if he did not whine 
 and cant so abominably ; but that he had always 
 observed those weeping and praying fellows were 
 hypocrites at bottom. Mr. Bramble made no reply to 
 this sarcastic remark, proceeding from the lieutenant's 
 resentment of Clinker's having, in pure simplicity of 
 heart, ranked him with M'Alpin and the sinners of the 
 earth. 
 
 The landlord being called to receive some orders
 
 An Old Friend Recognised 185 
 
 about the beds, told the squire, that his house was very 
 much at his service, but he was sure he should not 
 have the honour to lodge him and his company. He 
 gave us to understand, that his master, who lived hard 
 by, would not suffer us to be at a public-house, when 
 there was accommodation for us at his own ; and that, 
 if he had not dined abroad in the neighbourhood, he 
 would have undoubtedly come to offer his services at 
 our first arrival. He then launched out in praise of 
 that gentleman, whom he had served as butler, repre- 
 senting him as a perfect miracle of goodness and gener- 
 osity. He said he was a person of great learning, and 
 allowed to be the best farmer in the country — that 
 he had a lady who was as much beloved as himself, 
 and an only son, a very hopeful young gentleman, just 
 recovered from a dangerous fever, which had like to 
 have proved fatal to the whole family ; for, if the son 
 had died, he was sure the parents would not have sur- 
 vived their loss. 
 
 He had not yet finished the encomium of Mr. 
 Dennison, when this gentleman arrived in a post-chaise, 
 and his appearance seemed to justify all that had been 
 said in his favour. He is pretty well advanced in 
 years, but hale, robust, and florid, with an ingenuous 
 countenance, expressive of good sense and humanity. 
 Having condoled with us on the accident which had 
 happened, he said lie was come to conduct us to his 
 habitation, where we should be less incommoded than 
 at such a paltry inn, and expressed his hope that the 
 ladies would not be the worse for going thither in his 
 carriage, as the distance was not above a quarter of a 
 mile. My uncle having made a proper return to this 
 courteous exhibition, eyed him attentively, and then 
 asked if he had not been at Oxford, a commoner of 
 Queen's College. When Mr. Dennison answered, 
 " Yes," with some marks of surprise. " Look at me.
 
 1 86 Humphry Clinker 
 
 then," said our squire, "and let us see if you can 
 recollect the features of an old friend, whom you 
 have not seen these forty years." The gentleman, 
 taking him by the hand, and gazing at him earnestly, 
 " I protest ! " cried he, " I do think I recall the idea of 
 Matthew Lloyd of Glamorganshire, who was student of 
 Jesus." — "Well remembered, my dear friend Charles 
 Dennison ! " exclaimed my uncle, pressing him to his 
 breast, "I am that very identical Matthew Lloyd of 
 Glamorgan." 
 
 Clinker, who had just entered the room with some 
 coals for the fire, no sooner heard these words, than, 
 throwing down the scuttle on the toes of Lismahago, 
 he began to caper as if he was mad, crying, " Matthew 
 Lloyd of Glamorgan! — O Providence! — Matthew 
 Lloyd of Glamorgan ! " Then, clasping my uncle's 
 knees, he went on in this manner. " Your worship 
 must forgive me — Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan ! — 
 O Lord, sir ! — I can't contain myself! — I shall lose 
 my senses" — "Nay, thou hast lost them already, I 
 believe," said the squire peevishly; "prithee, Clinker, 
 be quiet — What is the matter ? " Humphry, fumbling 
 in his bosom, pulled out an old wooden snuff-box, 
 which he presented in a great trepidation to his master, 
 who, opening it immediately, perceived a small cor- 
 nelian seal, and two scraps of paper. At sight of 
 these articles he started, and changed colour, and cast- 
 ing his eye upon the inscriptions, "Ha! — how! — 
 what ! — where ! " cried he, " is the person here 
 named ! " — Clinker, knocking his own breast, could 
 hardly pronounce these words — " Here — here — here 
 is Matthew Lloyd, as the certificate showeth — 
 Humphry Clinker was the name of the farrier that 
 took me 'prentice." — " And who gave you these 
 tokens?" said my uncle hastily. "My poor mother 
 on her deathbed," replied the other. "And who was
 
 Father and Son 187 
 
 your mother ? " — " Dorothy Twyford, an' please your 
 honour, heretofore barkeeper at the Angel at Chippen- 
 ham." — "And why were not these tokens produced 
 before ? " — " My mother told me she had wrote to 
 Glamorganshire, at the time of my birth, but had no 
 answer ; and that afterwards, when she made inquiry, 
 there was no such person in that county." — " And so, 
 in consequence of my changing my name, and going 
 abroad at that very time, thy poor mother and thou 
 have been left to want and misery. I am really 
 shocked at the consequence of my own folly." Then, 
 laying his hand on Clinker's head, he added, " Stand 
 forth, Matthew Lloyd. You see, gentlemen, how the 
 sins of my youth rise up in judgment against me. 
 Here is my direction written with my own hand, and 
 a seal which I left at the woman's request; and this 
 is a certificate of the child's baptism, signed by the 
 curate of the parish." 
 
 The company were not a little surprised at this 
 discovery ; upon which Mr. Dennison facetiously 
 congratulated both the father and the son : for my 
 part, I shook my new-found cousin heartily by the 
 hand ; and Lismahago complimented him with the 
 tears in his eyes, for he had been hopping about the 
 room, swearing in broad Scotch, and bellowing with 
 the pain occasioned by the fall of the coal-scuttle upon 
 his foot. He had even vowed to drive the saul out of 
 the body of that mad rascal ; but, perceiving the un- 
 expected turn which tilings had taken, he wished him 
 joy of his good fortune, observing that it went very 
 near his heart, as he was like to be a great toe out of 
 pocket by the discovery. Mr. Dennison now desired 
 to know for what reason my uncle had changed the 
 name by which he knew him at Oxford ; and our 
 squire satisfied him, by answering to this effect : *' I 
 took my mother's name, which was Lloyd, as heir to
 
 1 88 Humphry Clinker 
 
 her lands in Glamorganshire ; but, when I came of 
 age, I sold that property, in order to clear my paternal 
 estate, and resumed my real name ; so that I am now 
 Matthew Bramble of Brambleton Hall, in Monmouth- 
 shire, at your service ; and this is my nephew, Jeremy 
 Melford of Belfield, in the county of Glamorgan." 
 
 At that instant the ladies entering the room, he pre- 
 sented Mrs. Tabitha as his sister, and Liddy as his 
 niece. The old gentleman saluted them very cordially, 
 and seemed struck with the appearance of my sister, 
 whom he could not help surveying with a mixture 
 of complacency and surprise. " Sister," said my 
 uncle, " there is a poor relation that recommends him- 
 self to your good graces. The quondam Humphry 
 Clinker is metamorphosed into Matthew Lloyd, and 
 / claims the honour of being your carnal kinsman. In 
 ) short, the rogue proves to be a crab of my own plant- 
 ^ ing, in the days of hot blood and unrestrained libertin- 
 ( ism." Clinker had by this time dropped upon one 
 knee, by the side of Mrs. Tabitha, who, eyeing him 
 askance, and flirting her fan with marks of agitation, 
 thought proper, after some conflict, to hold out her 
 hand for him to kiss, saying, with a demure aspect, 
 " Brother, you have been very wicked ; but I hope 
 you'll live to see the folly of your ways. I am very 
 sorry to say, the young man, whom you have this day 
 acknowledged, has more grace and religion, by the 
 gift of God, than you with all your profane learning 
 and repeated opportunity. I do think he has got the 
 trick of the eye, and the tip of the nose of my uncle 
 Lloyd of Flluydwellin ; and, as for the long chin, it 
 is the very moral of the governor's. Brother, as you 
 have changed his name, pray change his dress also ; 
 that livery doth not become any person that hath got 
 our blood in his veins." 
 
 Liddy seemed much pleased with this acquisition to
 
 Mr. Dennison's Hospitality 189 
 
 the family. She took him by the hand, declaring she 
 should always be proud to own her connexion with a 
 virtuous young man, who had given so many proofs of 
 his gratitude and affection to her uncle. Mrs. Wini- 
 fred Jenkins, extremely fluttered between her surprise 
 at this discovery, and the apprehension of losing her 
 sweetheart, exclaimed in a giggling tone, " I wish you 
 joy, Mr. Clinker — Floyd, I would say — hi, hi, hi! — 
 you'll be so proud, you won't look at your poor fellow- 
 servants, oh, oh, oh ! " Honest Clinker owned he 
 was overjoyed at his good fortune, which was greater 
 than he deserved. " But wherefore should I be 
 proud?" said he; "a poor object, conceived in sin, 
 and brought forth in iniquity, nursed in a parish work- / 
 house, and bred in a smithy. Whenever I seem i 
 proud, Mrs. Jenkins, I beg of you to put me in mind ] 
 of the condition I was in when I first saw you between 
 Chippenham and Marlborough." 
 
 When this momentous affair was discussed to the 
 satisfaction of all parties concerned, the weather being 
 dry, the ladies declined the carriage ; so that we 
 walked all together to Mr. Dennison's house, where 
 we found the tea ready prepared by his lady, an 
 amiable matron, who received us with all the bene- 
 volence of hospitality. The house is old-fashioned 
 and irregular, but lodgable and commodious. To the 
 south it has the river in front, at the distance of a 
 hundred paces ; and on the north there is a rising 
 ground, covered with an agreeable plantation ; the 
 greens and walks are kept in the nicest order, and all 
 is rural and romantic. I have not yet seen the young 
 gentleman, who is on a visit to a friend in the neigh- 
 bourhood, from whose house he is not expected till 
 to-morrow. 
 
 In the meantime, as there is a man going to the next 
 market town with letters for the post, I take this
 
 1 90 Humphry Clinker 
 
 opportunity to send you the history of this day, which 
 has been remarkably full of adventures ; and you will 
 own I give you them like a beef-steak at Dolly's, hot 
 and hot, without ceremony and parade, just as they 
 come from the recollection of Yours, 
 
 J. Melford. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Dick, — Since the last trouble I gave you, I 
 have met with a variety of incidents, soine of them of 
 a singular nature, which I reserve as a fund for con- 
 versation ; but there are others so interesting, that they 
 will not keep in petto till meeting. 
 
 Know then, it was a thousand pounds to a sixpence, 
 that you should now be executing my will, instead of 
 perusing my letter ! Two days ago, our coach was 
 overturned in the midst of a rapid river, where my life 
 was saved with the utmost difficulty, by the courage, 
 activity, and presence of mind of my servant Humphry 
 Clinker. But this is not the most surprising circum- 
 stance of the adventure. The said Humphry Clinker 
 proves to be Matthew Lloyd, natural son of one 
 Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan, if you know any such 
 person. You see, doctor, that notwithstanding all 
 your philosophy, it is not without some reason that we 
 Welshmen ascribe such energy to the force of blood. 
 But we shall discuss the point on some future occasion. 
 
 This is not the only discovery which I made in con- 
 sequence of our disaster. We happened to be wrecked 
 upon a friendly shore. The lord of the manor is 
 no other than Charles Dennison, our fellow-rake at 
 Oxford. We are now happily housed with that 
 gentleman, who has really attained to that pitch of 
 rural felicity at which I have been aspiring these 
 twenty years in vain. He is blessed with a consort
 
 Family History 191 
 
 whose disposition is suited to his own in all respects ; 
 tender, generous, and benevolent. She, moreover, 
 possesses an uncommon share of understanding, forti- 
 tude, and discretion, and is admirably qualified to be 
 his companion, confidant, counsellor, and coadjutrix. 
 These excellent persons have an only son, about nine- 
 teen years of age, just such a youth as they could have 
 wished that Heaven would bestow, to fill up the 
 measure of their enjoyment. In a word, they know 
 no other allay to their happiness, but their apprehension 
 and anxiety about the life and concerns of their beloved 
 object. 
 
 Our old friend, who had the misfortune to be a 
 second brother, was bred to the law, and even called 
 to the bar ; but he did not find himself qualified to 
 shine in that province, and had very little inclination 
 for his profession. He disobliged his father by marry- 
 ing for love, without any consideration of fortune ; so 
 that he had little or nothing to depend upon for some 
 years but his practice, which afforded him a bare sub- 
 sistence ; and the prospect of an increasing family 
 began to give him disturbance and disquiet. In the 
 meantime, his father dying, was succeeded by his elder 
 brother, a fox-hunter and a sot, who neglected his 
 affairs, insulted and oppressed his servants, and in a few 
 years had well-nigh ruined the estate, when he was 
 happily carried off by a fever, the immediate con- 
 sequence of a debauch. Charles, with the approbation 
 of his wife, immediately determined to quit business, 
 and retire into the country, although this resolution 
 was strenuously and zealously opposed by every indi- 
 vidual whom he consulted on the subject. Those who 
 had tried the experiment assured him, that he could not 
 pretend to breathe in the country for less than the 
 double of what his estate produced ; that, in order to 
 be upon the footing of a gendeman, he would be
 
 192 Humphry Clinker 
 
 obliged to keep horses, hounds, carriages, with a suit- 
 able number of servants, and maintain an elegant table 
 for the entertainment of his neighbours ; that farming 
 was a mystery known only to those who had been bred 
 up to it from the cradle, the success of it depending not 
 / only upon skill and industry, but also upon such atten- 
 tion and economy as no gentleman could be supposed to 
 give or practise ; accordingly, every attempt made by 
 gentlemen miscarried, and not a few had been ruined 
 by their prosecution of agriculture. Nay, they afBrnied, 
 that he would find it cheaper to buy hay and oats for 
 his cattle, and to go to market for poultry, eggs, 
 kitchen herbs, and roots, and every the most inconsider- 
 able article of housekeeping, than to have those articles 
 produced on his own ground. 
 
 These objections did not deter Mr- Dennison, be- 
 cause they were chiefly founded upon the supposition 
 that he would be obliged to lead a life of extravagance 
 and dissipation, which he and his consort equally 
 detested, despised, and determined to avoid. The 
 objects he had in view were, health of body, peace of 
 mind, and the private satisfaction of domestic quiet, 
 unallayed by actual want, and uninterrupted by the 
 fears of indigence. He was very moderate in his 
 estimate of the necessaries, and even of the comforts of 
 life. He required nothing but wholesome air, pure 
 water, agreeable exercise, plain diet, convenient lodg- 
 ing, and decent apparel. He reflected that, if a 
 peasant, without education, or any great share of 
 natural sagacity, could maintain a large family, and 
 even become opulent, upon a farm for which he paid 
 an annual rent of two or three hundred pounds to the 
 landlord, surely he himself might hope for some 
 success from his industry, having no rent to pay, but, 
 on the contrary, three or four hundred pounds a year 
 to receive. He considered that the earth was an
 
 Vain Ostentation 193 
 
 indulgent mother, that yielded her fruits to all her 
 children without distinction. He had studied the 
 theory of agriculture with a degree of eagerness and 
 delight ; and he could not conceive there was any 
 mystery in the practice but what he should be able to 
 disclose by dint of care and application. With respect 
 to household expense, he entered into a minute detail 
 and investigation, by which he perceived the assertions 
 of his friends were altogether erroneous. He found 
 he should save sixty pounds a year in the single article 
 of house-rent, and as much more in pocket-money and 
 contingencies ; that even butchers' meat was twenty per 
 cent, cheaper in the country than in London ; but that 
 poultry, and almost every other circumstance of house- 
 keeping, might be had for less than one-half of what 
 they cost in town ; besides a considerable saving on the 
 side of dress, in being delivered from the oppressive 
 imposition of ridiculous modes invented by ignorance, 
 and adopted by folly. 
 
 As to the danger o f vying with the rich in pomp 
 and equipage, it never gave him the least disturbance. 
 He was now turned of forty, and having lived half 
 that time in the busy scenes of life, was well skilled in 
 the science of mankind. There cannot be in nature a 
 more contemptible figure than that of a man who, with 
 five hundred a year, presumes to rival in expense ai 
 neighbour who possesses five times that income. His , 
 ostentation, far from concealing, serves only to discover 
 his indigence, and render his vanity the more shocking ; 
 for it attracts the eyes of censure, and excites the spirit 
 of inquiry. There is not a family in the county, nor a 
 servant in his own house, nor a farmer in the parish, 
 but what knows the utmost farthing that his lands pro- 
 duce ; and all these behold him with scorn or com- 
 passion. I am surprised that these reflections do not 
 occur to persons in this unhappy dilemma, and produce 
 11.-13
 
 194 Humphry Clinker 
 
 a salutary effect. But the truth is, of all the passions 
 incident t o human nature, vanity is that which most 
 "effectually perverts the faculties of the understanding 
 nay, it sometimes becomes so incredibly depraved, as 
 to aspire at infamy, and find pleasure in bearing the 
 stigmas of reproach. 
 
 I have now given you a sketch of the character and 
 situation of Mr. Dennison, when he came down to take 
 possession of this estate ; but as the messenger, who 
 carries the letters to the next town, is just setting off, I 
 shall reserve what further I have to say on this subject 
 till the next post, when you shall certainly hear from 
 Yours always. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 Oct. 8. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Once more, dear Doctor, I resume the pen for your 
 amusement. It was on the morning after our arrival, 
 that, walking out with my friend Mr. Dennison, I 
 could not help breaking forth into the warmest 
 expressions of applause at the beauty of the scene, 
 which is really enchanting ; and I signified, in 
 particular, how much I was pleased with the dis- 
 position of some detached groves, that afforded at orice 
 shelter and ornament to his habitation. 
 
 " When I took possession of these lands, about two- 
 and-twenty years ago," said he, " there was not a tree 
 standing within a mile of the house, except those of an 
 old neglected orchard, which produced nothing but 
 leaves and moss. It was in the gloomy month of 
 November when I arrived, and found the house in 
 such a condition, that it might have been justly styled 
 the tower of desolation. The court-yard was covered 
 with nettles and docks, and the garden exhibited such 
 a rank plantation of weeds as I had never seep before j
 
 Ruin and Desolation 155 
 
 the window-shutters were falling in pieces — the sashes 
 broken, and owls and jackdaws had taken possession of 
 the chimneys. The prospect within was still more 
 dreary. All was dark and damp, and dirty beyond 
 description — the rain penetrated into several parts of 
 the roof — in some apartments, the very floors had given 
 way — the hangings were parted from the walls, and 
 shaking in mouldy remnants — the glasses were dropping 
 out of their frames — the family pictures were covered 
 with dust — and all the chairs and tables worm-eaten 
 and crazy. There was not a bed in the house that 
 could be used, except one old-fashioned machine with 
 a high gilt tester, and fringed curtains of yellow mohair, 
 which had been, for aught I know, two centuries in 
 the family. In short, there was no furniture but the 
 utensils of the kitchen ; and the cellar afforded nothing 
 but a few empty butts and barrels, that stunk so 
 abominably, that I would not suffer anybody to enter 
 it, until I had flashed a considerable quantity of gun- 
 powder to qualify the foul air within. 
 
 " An old cottager and his wife, who were hired to 
 lie in the house, had left it with precipitation, alleging, 
 among other causes of retreat, that they could not 
 sleep for frightful noises, and that my poor brother 
 certainly walked after his death. In a word, the 
 house appeared uninhabitable ; the barn, stable, and 
 outhouses were in ruins, all the fences broken down, 
 and the fields lying waste. 
 
 " The farmer who kept the key, never dreamed I 
 had any intention to live upon the spot. He rented a 
 farm of sixty pounds, and his lease was just expiring. 
 He had formed a scheme of being appointed bailiff to 
 the estate, and of converting the house and the adjac- 
 ent grounds to his own use. A hint of his intention 
 I received from the curate at my first arrival ; I there- 
 fore did not pay much regard to what he said by way
 
 196 Humphry Clinker 
 
 of discouraging me from coming to settle in the country ; 
 but I was a little startled when he gave me warning, 
 that he should quit the farm at the expiration of his 
 lease, unless I would abate considerably in the rent. 
 
 "At this period I accidentally became acquainted 
 with a person, whose friendship laid the foundation of 
 all my prosperity. In the next market town, I chanced 
 to dine at an inn with a Mr. Wilson, who was lately 
 come to settle in the neighbourhood. He had been 
 lieutenant of a man-of-war ; but quitted the sea in some 
 disgust, and married the only daughter of farmer Bland, 
 who lives in this parish, and has acquired a good for- 
 tune in the way of husbandry. Wilson is one of the 
 best-natured men I ever knew ; brave, frank, obliging, 
 and ingenuous. He liked my conversation ; I was 
 charmed with his liberal manner. An acquaintance 
 immediately commenced, and this was soon improved 
 into a friendship without reserve. There are characters, 
 which, like similar particles of matter, strongly attract 
 each other. He forthwith introduced me to his 
 father-in-law, farmer Bland, who was well acquainted 
 with every acre of my estate, of consequence well 
 qualified to advise me on this occasion. Finding I 
 was inclined to embrace a country life, and even to 
 amuse myself with the occupations of farming, he ap- 
 proved of my design. He gave me to understand that 
 all my farms were underlet ; that the estate was capable 
 of great improvement ; that there was plenty of chalk 
 in the neighbourhood ; and that my own ground pro- 
 duced excellent marl for manure. With respect to the 
 farm, which was like to fall into my hands, he said 
 he would willingly take it at the present rent ; but at 
 the same time, owned, that if I would expend two hun- 
 dred pounds in enclosures, it would be worth more 
 than double the sum. 
 
 "Thus encouraged, I began the execution of my
 
 Repairs and Restorations 197 
 
 scheme without further delay, and plunged into a sea 
 of expense, though I had no fund in reserve, and the 
 whole produce of the estate did not exceed three 
 hundred pounds a year. In one week my house was 
 made weather-tight, and thoroughly cleansed from top 
 to bottom ; then it was well ventilated, by throw- 
 ing all the doors and windows open, and making 
 blazing fires of wood in every chimney from the kitchen 
 to the garrets. The floors were repaired, the sashes 
 new glazed, and, out of the old furniture of the whole 
 house, I made shift to fit up a parlour and three 
 chambers, in a plain, yet decent manner. The court- 
 yard was cleared of weeds and rubbish, and my friend 
 Wilson charged himself with the dressing of the 
 garden. Bricklayers were set at work upon the barn 
 and stable ; and labourers engaged to restore the 
 fences, and begin the work of hedging and ditching, 
 under the direction of farmer Bland, at whose recom- 
 mendation I hired a careful hind to lie in the house, 
 and keep constant fires in the apartments. 
 
 "Having taken these measures, I returned to Lon- 
 don, where I forthwith sold off my household furni- 
 ture, and in three weeks from my first visit, brought 
 my wife hither to keep her Christmas. Considering 
 the gloomy season of the year, the dreariness of the 
 place, and the decayed aspect of our habitation, I was 
 afraid that her resolution would sink under the sudden 
 transition from a town life to such a melancholy state 
 of rustication ; but I was agreeably disappointed. 
 She found the reality less uncomfortable than the 
 picture I had drawn. By this time, indeed, things 
 were mended in appearance. The outhouses had risen 
 out of their ruins ; the pigeon-house was rebuilt, and 
 replenished by Wilson, who also put my garden in 
 decent order, and provided a good stock of poultry, 
 which made an agreeable figure in my yard ; and the
 
 I98 Humphry Clinker 
 
 house, on the whole, looked like the habitation of 
 human creatures. Farmer Bland sjjared me a milch 
 cow for my family, and an ordinary saddle-horse for 
 my servant to go to market at the next town. I hired 
 a country lad for a footman ; the hind's daughter was 
 my housemaid ; and my wife had brought a cook- 
 maid from London. 
 
 " Such was my family when I began housekeeping 
 in this place, with three hundred pounds in my pocket, 
 raised from the sale of my superfluous furniture. I 
 knew we should find occupation enough through the 
 day to employ our time ; but I dreaded the long 
 winter evenings ; yet for these too we found a remedy. 
 The curate, who was a single man, soon became so 
 naturalised to the family, that he generally lay in the 
 house, and his company was equally agreeable and use- 
 ful. He was a modest man, a good scholar, and per- 
 fectly well qualified to instruct me in such country 
 matters as I wanted to know. Mr. Wilson brought 
 his wife to see us, and she became so fond of Mrs. 
 Dennison, that she said she was never so happy as 
 when she enjoyed the benefit of her conversation. 
 She was then a fine buxom country lass, exceedingly 
 docile, and as good-natured as her husband Jack 
 Wilson ; so that a friendship ensued among the women, 
 which hath continued to this day. 
 
 " As for Jack, he hath been my constant companion, 
 counsellor, and commissary. I would not for a hun- 
 dred pounds you should leave my house without seeing 
 him ; — Jack is an universal genius — his talents are 
 really astonishing. He is an excellent carpenter, joiner, 
 and turner, and a cunning artist in iron and brass. He 
 not only superintended my economy, but also presided 
 over my pastimes. He taught me to brew beer, to 
 make cider, perry, mead, usquebaugh, and plague- 
 water ; to cook several outlandish dQlicacies, such as
 
 Friends and Neighbours I99 
 
 ollaSy pepperpots, pillaivs, corys, chabobs, and stujfatas. 
 He understands all manner of games, from chess down 
 to chuck-farthing, sings a good song, plays upon the 
 violin, and dances a hornpipe with surprising agility. 
 He and I walked, and rode, and hunted, and fished 
 together, without minding the vicissitudes of the weather; 
 and I am persuaded, that in a raw, moist climate, like 
 this of England, continual exercise is as necessary as 
 food to the preservation of the individual. In the 
 course of two-and-twenty years, there has not been 
 one hour's interruption or abatement in the friendship 
 subsisting between Wilson's family and mine ; and, 
 what is a rare instance of good fortune, that friendship 
 is continued to our children. His son and mine are 
 nearly of the same age and the same disposition ; they 
 have been bred up together at the same school and col- 
 lege, and love each other with the warmest affection. 
 
 " By Wilson's means, I likewise formed an acquaint- 
 ance with a sensible physician, who lives in the next 
 market town ; and his sister, an agreeable old maiden, 
 passed the Christmas holidays at our house. Mean- 
 while I began my farming with great eagerness, and 
 that very winter planted these groves that please you 
 so much. As for the neighbouring gentry, I had no 
 trouble from that quarter during my first campaign ; 
 they were all gone to town before I had settled in the 
 country ; and by the summer, I had taken measures 
 to defend myself from their attacks. When a gay 
 equipage came to my gates, I was never at home ; 
 those who visited me in a modest way, I received ; 
 and according to the remarks I made on their characters 
 and conversation, either rejected their advances or 
 returned their civility. I was in general despised 
 among the fashionable company, as a low fellow, both 
 in breeding and circumstances ; nevertheless, I found a 
 few individuals of moderate fortune, who gladly adopted
 
 200 Humphry Clinker' 
 
 my style of living ; and many others would have 
 acceded to our society, had they not been prevented 
 by the pride, envy, and ambition of their wives and 
 daughters. Those, in times of luxury and dissipation, 
 are the rocks upon which all the small estates in the 
 country are wrecked. 
 
 " I reserved in my own hands some acres of ground 
 adjacent to the house, for making experiments in agri- 
 culture, according to the directions of Lyle, TuU, 
 Hart, Duhamel, and others, who have written on this 
 subject ; and qualified their theory with the practical 
 observations of farmer Bland, who was my great master 
 in the art of husbandry. In short, I became enam- 
 oured of a country life ; and my success greatly exceeded 
 my expectation. I drained bogs, burned heath, grubbed 
 u p furze and fern ; I planted copse and willows where 
 nothing else would grow ; I gradually enclosed all my 
 farms, and made such improvements, that my estate 
 now yields me clear twelve hundred pounds a year. 
 All this time my wife and I have enjoyed uninter- 
 rupted health, and a regular flow of spirits, except on 
 a very few occasions, when our cheerfulness was in- 
 vaded by such accidents as are inseparable from the 
 condition of life. I lost two children in their infancy, 
 by the smallpox, so that I have one son only, in 
 whom all our hopes are centered. He went yesterday 
 to visit a friend, with whom he has stayed all night, 
 but he will be here to dinner. I shall this day have 
 the pleasure of presenting him to you and your family ; 
 and I flatter myself you will find him not altogether 
 unworthy of your affection. 
 
 " The truth is, either I am blinded by the partiality 
 of a parent, or he is a boy of very amiable character ; 
 and yet his conduct has given us unspeakable disquiet. 
 You must know, we had projected a match between 
 him and a gentleman's daughter in the next county,
 
 Young Denison's Flight 201 
 
 who will in all probability be heiress of a considerable 
 fortune ; but it seems, he had a personal disgust to the 
 alliance. He was then at Cambridge, and tried to 
 gain time on various pretences ; but being pressed in 
 letters, by his mother and me, to give a definitive 
 answer, he fairly gave his tutor the slip, and disappeared 
 about eight months ago. Before he took this rash step, 
 he wrote me a letter, explaining his objections to the 
 match, and declaring that he would keep himself con- 
 cealed until he should understand that his parents 
 would dispense with his contracting an engagement 
 that must make him miserable for life ; and he pre- 
 scribed the form of advertising in a certain newspaper, 
 by which he might be apprised of our sentiments on 
 this subject. 
 
 " You may easily conceive how much we were 
 alarmed and afflicted by this elopement, which he had 
 made without dropping the least hint to his companion 
 Charles Wilson, who belonged to the same college. 
 We resolved to punish him with the appearance of 
 neglect, in hopes that he would return of his own 
 accord ; but he maintained his purpose till the young 
 lady chose a partner for herself; then he produced 
 himself, and made his peace by the mediation of 
 Wilson. Suppose we should unite our families by 
 joining him with your niece, who is one of the most 
 lovely creatures I ever beheld. My wife is already as 
 fond of her as if she were her own child, and I have a 
 presentiment that my son will be captivated by her at 
 first sight." — "Nothing could be more agreeable to all 
 our family," said I, "than such an alliance; but, my 
 dear friend, candour obliges me to tell you that I am 
 afraid Liddy's heart is not wholly disengaged. There 
 is a cursed obstacle " — " You mean the young 
 stroller at Gloucester," said he. " You are surprised 
 that I should know this circumstance ; but you will be
 
 202 Humphry Clinker 
 
 more surprised wlicn I tell you that stroller is no other 
 than my son George Dennison ; that was the character 
 he assumed in his eclipse." — " I am, indeed, astonished 
 and overjoyed," cried I, "and shall be happy beyond 
 expression to see your proposal take effect." 
 
 He then gave me to understand, that the young 
 gentleman, at his emerging from concealment, had dis- 
 closed his passion for Miss Melford, the niece of Mr. 
 Bramble of Monmouthshire. Though Mr. Dennison 
 little dreamed that this was his old friend Matthew 
 Lloyd, he nevertheless furnished his son with proper 
 credentials ; and he had been at Bath, London, and 
 many other places in quest of us, to make himself and 
 his pretensions known. The bad success of his inquiry 
 had such an effect upon his spirits, that, immediately 
 at his return, he was seized with a dangerous fever, 
 which overwhelmed his parents with terror and afflic- 
 tion ; but he is now happily recovered, though still 
 weak and disconsolate. My nephew joining us in our 
 walk, I informed him of these circumstances, with 
 which he was wonderfully pleased. He declared he 
 would promote the match to the utmost of his power, 
 and that he longed to embrace young Mr. Dennison as 
 his friend and brother. Meanwhile, the father went 
 to desire his wife to communicate this discovery gradu- 
 ally to Liddy, that her delicate nerves might not suffer 
 too sudden a shock ; and I imparted the particulars to 
 my sister Tabby, who expressed some surprise, not 
 altogether unmixed, I believe, with an emotion of 
 envy ; for, though she could have no objection to an 
 alliance at once so honourable and advantageous, she 
 hesitated in giving her consent on pretence of the youth 
 and inexperience of the parties : at length, however, 
 she acquiesced, in consequence of having consulted 
 with Captain Lismahago. 
 
 Mr. Dennison took care to be in the way when his
 
 Liddy and her Lover 203 
 
 son arrived at the gate, and without giving him time or 
 opportunity to make any inquiry about the strangers, 
 brought him upstairs to be presented to Mr. Lloyd 
 and his family. The first person he saw when lie 
 entered the room was Liddy, who, notwithstanding all 
 her preparation, stood trembling in the utmost con- 
 fusion. At sight of this object, he was fixed motion- 
 less to the floor, and, gazing at her with the utmost 
 eagerness of astonishment, exclaimed, " Sacred heaven ! 
 what is this ! — ha ! — wherefore " — Here his speech 
 failing, he stood straining his eyes, in the most em- 
 phatic silence. "George," said his father, "this is 
 my friend Mr. Lloyd." Roused at this intimation, 
 he turned and received my salute, when I said, " Young 
 gentleman, if you had trusted me with your secret at 
 our last meeting, we should have parted upon better 
 terms." Before he could make any answer, Jerry 
 came round and stood before him with open arms. 
 At first, he started and changed colour ; but, after a 
 short pause, he rushed into his embrace, and they 
 hugged one another as if they had been intimate friends 
 from their infancy. Then he paid his respects to Mrs. 
 Tabitha, and advancing to Liddy, " Is it possible," 
 cried he, " that my senses do not play me false ! that 
 I see Miss Melford under my father's roof! that I am 
 permitted to speak to her without giving offence ! and 
 that her relations have Jionourcd me with their coun- 
 tenance and protection ? " Liddy blushed, and trem- 
 bled, and faltered: "To be sure, sir," said she, "it 
 is a very surprising circumstance — a great — a provi- 
 dential — I really know not what I say, but I beg you 
 will think I have said what's agreeable." 
 
 Mrs. Dennison interposing, said, " Compose your- 
 selves, my dear children ; your mutual happiness shall 
 be our peculiar care." The son going up to his 
 mother, kissed one hand ; my niece bathed the other
 
 204 Humphry Clinker 
 
 with her tears ; and the good old lady pressed them 
 both in their turns to her breast. The lovers were too 
 much aiFected to get rid of their embarrassment for one 
 day ; but the scene was much enlivened by the arrival 
 of Jack. Wilson, who brought, as usual, some game of 
 his own killing. His honest countenance was a good 
 letter of recommendation. I received him like a dear 
 friend after a long separation ; and I could not help 
 wondering to see him shake Jerry by the hand as an 
 old acquaintance. They had, indeed, been acquainted 
 some days, in consequence of a diverting incident, 
 which I shall explain at meeting. That same night a 
 consultation was held upon the concerns of the lovers, 
 when the match was formally agreed to, and all the 
 marriage articles were settled without the least dispute. 
 My nephew and I promised to make Liddy's fortune 
 five thousand pounds. Mr. Dennison declared, he 
 would make over one-half of his estate immediately to 
 his son, and that his daughter-in-law should be secured 
 in a jointure of four hundred. Tabby proposed, that, 
 considering their youth, they should undergo one year 
 at least of probation, before the indissoluble knot should 
 be tied ; but the young gentleman being very impatient 
 and importunate, and the scheme implying that the 
 young couple should live in the house under the wings 
 of his parents, we resolved to make them happy with- 
 out farther delay. 
 
 As the law requires that the parties should be some 
 weeks resident in the parish, we shall stay here till the 
 ceremony is performed. Mr. Lismahago requests that 
 he may take the benefit of the same occasion ; so that 
 next Sunday the banns will be published for all four 
 together. I doubt I shall not be able to pass my 
 Christmas with you at Brambleton Hall. Indeed, I 
 am so agreeably situated in this place, that I have no 
 desire to shift my quarters ; and I foresee, that when
 
 The Real Mr. Wilson 205 
 
 the day of separation comes, there will be abundance 
 of sorrow on all sides. In the meantime, we must 
 make the most of those blessings which Heaven 
 bestows. Considering how you are tethered by your 
 profession, I cannot hope to see you so far from home ; 
 yet the distance does not exceed a summer day's 
 journey, and Charles Dennison, who desires to be 
 remembered to you, would be rejoiced to see his old 
 compotator ; but, as I am now stationary, I expect 
 regular answers to the epistles of, 
 
 Yours invariably, 
 October 1 1. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Wat, — Every day is now big with incident 
 and discovery. Young Mr. Dennison proves to be no 
 other than that identical person whom I have execrated 
 so long under the name of Wilson. He had eloped 
 from college at Cambridge, to avoid a match that he 
 detested, and acted in different parts of the country as 
 a stroller, until the lady in question made choice of a 
 husband for herself; then he returned to his father, 
 and disclosed his passion for Liddy, which met with 
 the approbation of his parents, though the father little 
 imagined that Mr. Bramble was his old companion 
 Matthew Lloyd. The young gentleman being em- 
 powered to make honourable proposals to my uncle 
 and me, had been in search of us all over England 
 without effect ; and he it was whom I had seen pass 
 on horseback by the window of the inn, where I stood 
 with my sister, but he little dreamed that we were in 
 the house. As for the real Mr. Wilson, whom I 
 called forth to combat, by mistake, he is the neighbour 
 and intimate friend of old Mr. Dennison, and this
 
 2o6 Humphry Clinker 
 
 connexion had suggested to the son the idea of taking 
 that name while he remained in obscurity. 
 
 You may easily conceive what pleasure I must have 
 felt on discovering that the honour of our family was 
 in no danger from the conduct of a sister whom 
 I love with uncommon affection ; that, instead of 
 debasing her sentiments and views to a wretched 
 stroller, she had really captivated the heart of a gentle- 
 man, her equal in rank, and superior in fortune ; and 
 that, as his parents approved of his attachment, I was 
 on the eve of acquiring a brother-in-law so worthy of 
 my friendship and esteem. George Dennison is, with- 
 out all question, one of the most accomplished young 
 fellows in England. His person is at once elegant 
 and manly, and his understanding highly cultivated. 
 Though his spirit is lofty, his heart is kind ; and his 
 manner so engaging, as to command veneration and 
 love, even from malice and indifference. When I 
 weigh my own character with his, I am ashamed to 
 find myself so light in the balance ; but the comparison 
 excites no envy — I propose him as a model for imita- 
 tion — I have endeavoured to recommend myself to his 
 friendship, and hope I have already found a place in 
 This affection. I am, however, mortified to reflect 
 what flagrant injustice we every day commit, and what 
 absurd judgment we form, in viewing objects through 
 the falsifying medium of prejudice and passion. Had 
 you asked me a few days ago the picture of Wilson 
 the player, I should have drawn a portrait very unlike 
 the real person and character of George Dennison. 
 f Without all doubt, the greatest advantage acquired in 
 ' travelling and perusing mankind in the original, is that 
 of dispelling those shameful clouds that darken the 
 faculties of the mind, preventing it from judging with 
 candour and precision. 
 
 The real Wilson is a great original, and the best-
 
 A Theatrical Genius 207 
 
 tempered companionable man I ever knew. I question 
 if ever he was angry or low-spirited in his life. He 
 makes no pretensions to letters ; but he is an adept in 
 everything else that can be either useful or entertain- 
 ing. Among other qualifications, he is a complete 
 sportsman, and counted the best shot in the county. 
 He and Dennison, and Lismahago and I, attended by 
 Clinker, went a-shooting yesterday, and made great 
 havoc among the partridges. To-morrow we shall 
 take the field against the woodcocks and snipes. In 
 the evening we dance and sing, or play at commerce, 
 loo, and quadrille. 
 
 Mr. Dennison is an elegant poet, and has written 
 some detached pieces on the subject of his passion for 
 Liddy, which must be very flattering to the vanity of 
 a young woman. Perhaps he is one of the greatest 
 theatrical geniuses that ever appeared. He sometimes 
 entertains us with reciting favourite speeches from our 
 best plays. We are resolved to convert the great hall 
 into a theatre, and get up the Beaux' Stratagem without 
 delay. I think I shall make no contemptible figure 
 in the character of Scrub ; and Lismahago will be very 
 great in Captain Gibbet. Wilson undertakes to enter- 
 tain the country people with Harlequin Skeleton, for 
 which he has got a jacket ready painted with his own 
 hand. 
 
 Our society is really enchanting. Even the severity 
 of Lismahago relaxes, and the vinegar of Mrs. Tabby 
 is remarkably dulcified ever since it was agreed that 
 she should take the precedency of her niece in being 
 first noosed. For, you must know, tlie day is fixed 
 for Liddy's marriage; and the banns for both couples 
 have been already once published in the parish church. 
 The captain earnestly begged that one trouble might 
 serve for all, and Tabitha assented with a vile affecta- 
 tion of reluctance. Her inamorato, who came hither
 
 2o8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 very slenderly equipped, has sent for his baggage to 
 London, which, in all probability, will not arrive in 
 time for the wedding ; but it is of no great consequence, 
 as everything is to be transacted with the utmost 
 privacy. Meanwhile, directions are given for making 
 out the contracts of marriage, which are very favour- 
 able for both females. Liddy will be secured in a 
 good jointure ; and her aunt will remain mistress of 
 her ov/n fortune, except one-half of the interest, which 
 her husband shall have a right to enjoy for his natural 
 \ik. I think, this is as little in conscience as can 
 be done for a man who yokes with such a partner for 
 life. 
 
 These expectants seem to be so happy, that if Mr. 
 Dennison had an agreeable daughter, I believe I should 
 be for making the third couple in this country dance. 
 The humour seems to be infectious ; for Clinker, alias 
 Lloyd, has a month's mind to play the fool in the 
 same fashion with Mrs. Winifred Jenkins. He has 
 even sounded me on the subject ; but I have given him 
 no encouragement to prosecute this scheme. I told 
 him I thought he might do better, as there was no 
 engagement nor promise subsisting ; that I did not 
 know what designs my uncle might have formed for 
 his advantage ; but I was of opinion, that he should 
 not at present run the risk of disobliging him by any 
 premature application of this nature. Honest Humphry 
 protested, he would suffer death sooner than say or do 
 anything that should give offence to the squire ; but he 
 owned he had a kindness for the young woman, and 
 had reason to think she looked upon him with a favour- 
 able eye ; that he considered this mutual manifesta- 
 tion of goodwill as an engagement understood, which 
 ought to be binding to the conscience of an honest 
 man ; and he hoped the squire and I would be of the 
 same opinion, when we should be at leisure to bestow
 
 Wonderful Incidents 209 
 
 any thought about the matter. I believe he is in the 
 right ; and we shall find time to take his case into 
 consideration. You see we are fixed for some weeks 
 at least ; and as you have had a long respite, I hope 
 you will begin immediately to discharge the arrears due 
 to your affectionate J. Melford. 
 
 October 1 4. 
 
 To Miss LiETiTiA Willis, at Gloucester. 
 
 My dear, dear Letty, — Never did I sit down to 
 write in such agitation as I now feel. In the course 
 of a few days, we have met with a number of incidents 
 so wonderful and interesting, that all my ideas are 
 thrown into confusion and perplexity. You must not 
 expect either method or coherence in what I am going 
 to relate, my dearest Willis. Since my last, the aspect 
 of affairs is totally changed! — and so changed! but I 
 would fain give you a regular detail. In passing a 
 river, about eight days ago, our coach was overturned, 
 and some of us narrowly escaped with life. My uncle 
 had well-nigh perished. O Heaven, I cannot reflect 
 upon that circumstance without horror. I should have 
 lost my best friend, my father and protector, but for 
 the resolution and activity of his servant Humphry 
 Clinker, whom Providence really seems to have placed 
 near him for the necessity of this occasion. I would 
 not be thought superstitious ; but surely he acted from 
 a stronger impulse than common fidelity. Was it not 
 the voice of nature that loudly called upon him to save 
 the life of his own father ? — for, O Letty, it was dis- 
 covered that Humphry Clinker was my uncle's natural 
 son. 
 
 Almost at the same instant, a gentleman, who came 
 to offer us his assistance, and invite us to his house, 
 turned out to be a very old friend of Mr. Bramble. 
 II. — 14
 
 2IO Humphry Clinker 
 
 His name is Mr. Dennison, one of the worthiest men 
 living, and his lady is a perfect saint upon earth. 
 They have an only son ; who do you think is this 
 only son ? O Letty ! O gracious Heaven ! how my 
 heart palpitates, when I tell you, that this only son of 
 Mr. Dennison, is that very identical youth, who, under 
 the name of Wilson, has made such ravage in my 
 heart ! Yes, my dear friend ! Wilson and I arc now 
 lodged in the same house, and converse together freely. 
 His father approves of his sentiments in my favour ; 
 his mother loves me with all the tenderness of a parent ; 
 my uncle, my aunt, and my brother, no longer oppose 
 my inclinations ; on the contrary, they have agreed to 
 make us happy without delay, and, in three weeks or 
 a month, if no unforeseen accident intervenes, your 
 friend Lydia Melford will have changed her name 
 and condition. I say, if no accident intervenes, because 
 such a torrent of success makes me tremble ! I wish 
 there may not be something treacherous in this sudden 
 reconciliation of fortune ; I have no merit, I have no 
 title to such felicity ! Far from enjoying the prospect 
 that lies before me, my mind is harassed with a con- 
 tinued tumult, made up of hopes and wishes, doubts 
 and apprehensions. I can neither eat nor sleep, and 
 my spirits are in perpetual flutter. I more than ever 
 feel that vacancy in my heart, which your presence 
 alone can fill. The mind, in every disquiet, seeks to 
 repose itself on the bosom of a friend ; and this is such 
 a trial as I really know not how to support without 
 your company and counsel ; I must therefore, dear 
 Letty, put your friendship to the test. I must beg you 
 will come and do the last offices of maidenhood to your 
 companion Lydia Melford. 
 
 This letter goes enclosed in one to our worthy 
 governess, from Mrs. Dennison, entreating her to 
 interpose with your mamma, that you may be allowed
 
 A Pressing Invitation 211 
 
 to favour us with your company on this occasion ; and 
 I flatter myself that no material objection can be made 
 to our request. The distance from^^hence to Gloucester 
 does not exceed one hundred miles, and the roads are 
 good. Mr. Clinker, alias Lloyd, shall be sent over to 
 attend your motions. If you step into the post-chaise, 
 with your maid Betty Barker, at seven in the morning, 
 you will arrive by four in the afternoon at the half- 
 way house, where there is good accommodation. 
 There you shall be met by my brother and myself, who 
 will next day conduct you to this place, where I am 
 sure you will find yourself perfectly at your ease in the 
 midst of an agreeable society. Dear Letty, I will take 
 no refusal ; if you have any friendship, any humanity, you 
 will come. I desire that immediate application may 
 be made to your mamma, and that the moment her 
 permission is obtained, you will apprise 
 
 Your ever faithful Lydia Melford. 
 
 Oct. 14. 
 
 To Mrs. Jermyn, at her house in Gloucester. 
 
 Dear Madam, — Though I am not so fortunate as to 
 be favoured with an answer to the letter with which I 
 troubled you in the spring, I still flatter myself that 
 you retain some regard for me and my concerns. I 
 am sure the care and tenderness with which I was 
 treated, under your roof and tuition, demand the 
 warmest returns of gratitude and afl^ection on my part, 
 and these sentiments, I hope, I shall cherish to my 
 dying day. At present I think it my duty to make 
 you acquainted with the happy issue of that indiscretion 
 by which I incurred your displeasure ! Ah ! Madam, 
 the slighted Wilson is metamorphosed into George 
 Dennison, only son and heir of a gentleman, whose 
 character is second to none in England, as you may
 
 212 Humphry Clinker 
 
 understand upon inquiry. My guardians, my brother, 
 and I, are now in his house, and an immediate union 
 of the two young families is to take place in the 
 persons of the young gentleman and your poor Lydia 
 Melford. You will easily conceive how embarrassing 
 this situation must be to a young unexperienced 
 creature like me, of weak nerves and strong appre- 
 hensions, and how much the presence of a friend and 
 confidant would encourage and support me on this 
 occasion. You know that, of all the young ladies, 
 Miss Willis was she that possessed the greatest share 
 of my confidence and affection, and, therefore, I fer- 
 vently wish to have the happiness of her company at 
 this interesting crisis. 
 
 Mrs. Dennison, who is the object of universal love 
 and esteem, has, at my request, written to you on this 
 subject, and I now beg leave to reinforce her solicita- 
 tion. My dear Mrs. Jermyn ! my ever-honoured 
 governess ! let me conjure you by that fondness which 
 once distinguished your favourite Liddy ! by that 
 benevolence of heart which disposes you to promote 
 the happiness of your fellow-creatures in general ! lend 
 a favourable ear to my petition, and use your influence 
 with Letty's mamma, that my most earnest desire may 
 be gratified. Should I be indulged in this particular, 
 I will engage to return her safe, and even to accompany 
 her to Gloucester, where, if you will give me leave, I 
 will present to you, under another name, dear madam, 
 your most afl^ectionate humble servant, and penitent, 
 
 Lydia Melford. 
 
 To Mrs. Mary Jones at Bramhleton Hall. 
 
 O Mary Jones! Mary Jones! — I have met with 
 so many axidents, surprisals, and terrifications, that 
 I am in a perfect fantigo, and believe I shall never be
 
 Choppings and Changes 213 
 
 my own self again. Last week I was dragged out of 
 a river like a drowned rat, and lost a bran new night- 
 cap, with a sulfur stay-hook, that cost me a good half 
 a crown, and an odd shoe of green gallow-monkey, 
 besides wetting my clothes, and taring my smuck, and 
 an ugly gash made in the back part of my thy, by the 
 stump of a tree. To be sure, Mr. Clinker tuck me 
 out of the cox, but he left me on my back in the 
 water, to go to the squire, and I mought have had 
 a watry grave, if a miliar had not brought me to the 
 dry land. But O ! what choppings and changes, girl. 
 The player man that came after Miss Liddy, and 
 frightened me with a beard at Bristol Well, is now 
 matthewmurphy'd into a fine young gentleman, son 
 and hare of Squire DoUison. We are all together in 
 the same house, and all parties have agreed to the 
 match, and in a fortnite the surrymony will be per- 
 formed. 
 
 But this is not the only wedding we are to have. 
 Mistriss is resolved to have the same frolick, in the 
 naam of God ! Last Sunday in the parish crutch, if 
 my own ars may be trusted, the clerk called the banes 
 of marridge betwixt Opaniah Lashmeheygo and Tap- 
 itha Bramble, spinster ; he mought as well have called 
 her inkle-weaver, for she never spun an hank of yarn 
 in her life. Young Squire Dollison and Miss I^iddy 
 make the second kipple, and there might have been 
 a turd, but times are changed with Mr. Clinker. O 
 Molly ! what do'st think ? Mr. Clinker is found to be 
 a pyc-blow of our own squire, and his right naam is 
 Mr. Mattew Loyd, (thof God he nose how that can 
 be,) and he is now out of livery, and wares ruffles ; but 
 I new him when he was out at elbows, and had not a 
 rag to kiver his pistereroes, so he need not hold his head 
 so high. He is for sartin very umble and compleasant, 
 and purtests as how he has the same regard as before,
 
 214 Humphry Clinker 
 
 but that he is no longer his own master, and cannot 
 portend to marry without the squire's consent ; he 
 says we must wait with patience, and trust to Pro 
 vidence, and such nonsense. But if so be as how 
 his regard be the same, why stand shilly shally ? 
 Why not strike while the iron is hot, and speak to 
 the squire without loss of time ? What subjection 
 can the squire make to our coming together ? Thof 
 my father wan't a gentleman, my mother was an 
 honest woman. I didn't come on the wrong side 
 of the blanket, girl. My parents were married 
 according to the rights of holy mother crutch, in 
 the face of men and angels. Mark that, Mary 
 Jones. 
 
 Mr. Clinker, (Loyd I would say,) had best look to 
 his tackle. There be other chaps in the market, as 
 the saying is. What would he say if I should except 
 the soot and sarvice of the young squire's valley ? 
 Mr. Machappy is a gentleman born, and has been 
 abroad in the wars. He has a world of buck learning, 
 and speaks French, and Ditch, and Scotch, and all 
 manner of outlandish lingos ; to be sure he's a little 
 the worse for the ware, and is much given to drink, 
 but then he's good-tempered in his liquor, and a 
 prudent woman mought wind him about her finger. 
 But I have no thoughts of him, I'll assure you. I scorn 
 for to do, or to say, or to think anything that mought 
 give umbreech to Mr. Loyd, without furder occasion. 
 But then I have such vapours, Molly ; I sit and cry 
 by myself, and take ass of etida, and smill to burnt 
 fathers and kindal-snuffs ; and I pray constantly for 
 grease, that I may have a glimpse of the new light, to 
 show me the way through this wretched veil of tares. 
 And yet I want for nothing in this family of love, 
 where every sole is so kind and so courteous, that wan 
 would think they are so many saints in haven. Dear
 
 Lismahago Grows Sociable 215 
 
 Molly, I recommend myself to your prayers, being, 
 with my sarvice to Saul, 
 
 Your ever loving and discounselled friend, 
 Oct. 14. Win. Jenkins. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Dick, — You cannot imagine what pleasure I 
 have in seeing your handwriting, after such a long 
 cessation on your side of our correspondence. Yet, 
 Heaven knows, I have often seen your handwriting 
 with disgust — I mean when it appeared in abbreviations 
 of apothecary's Latin. I like your hint of making 
 interest for the reversion of the collector's place for 
 Lismahago, who is much pleased with the scheme, and 
 presents you with his compliments and best thanks for 
 thinking so kindly of his concerns. The man seems to 
 mend upon further acquaintance. That harsh reserve, 
 which formed a disagreeable husk about his character, 
 begins to peel off in the course of our communication. 
 I have great hopes that he and Tabby will be as happily 
 paired as any two draught animals in the kingdom ; 
 and I make no doubt, but that he will prove a valuable 
 acquisition to our little society, in the article of conver- 
 sation by the fireside in winter. 
 
 Your objection to my passing this season of the year 
 at such a distance from home, would have more weight 
 if I did not find myself perfectly at my ease where I 
 am ; and my health so much improved, that I am dis- 
 posed to bid defiance to gout and rheumatism. I begin 
 to think I have put myself on the superannuated list 
 too soon, and absurdly sought for health in the retreats 
 of laziness. I am persuaded, that all valetudinarians 
 are too sedentary, too regular, and too cautious. We 
 should sometimes increase the motion of the machine, 
 to unclog the wheels of life ; and now and then take a
 
 2i6 Humphry Clinker 
 
 plunge amidst the waves of excess, in order to case- 
 harden the constitution. I have even found a change 
 of company as necessary as a change of air, to promote 
 a vigorous circuhition of the spirits, which is the very 
 essence and criterion of good health. 
 
 Since my last, I have been performing the duties 
 of friendship, that required a great deal of exercise, 
 from which I hope to derive some benefit. Under- 
 standing, by the greatest accident in the world, that 
 Mr. Baynard's wife was dangerously ill of a pleuritic 
 fever, I borrowed Dennison's post-chaise, and went 
 across the country to his habitation, attended only 
 by Lloyd (quondam Clinker) on horseback. As the 
 distance is not above thirty miles, I arrived about four 
 in the afternoon, and, meeting the physician at the 
 door, was informed that his patient had just expired. 
 I was instantly seized with a violent emotion ; but it 
 was not grief. The family being in confusion, I ran 
 upstairs into the chamber, where, indeed, they were all 
 assembled. The aunt stood wringing her hands in a 
 state of stupefaction of sorrow, but my friend acted all 
 the extravagancies of affliction. He held the body in 
 his arms, and poured forth such a lamentation, that one 
 would have thought he had lost the most amiable 
 consort and valuable companion upon earth. 
 
 Affection may certainly exist independent of esteem ; 
 nay, the same object may be lovely in one respect and 
 detestable in another. The mind has a surprising 
 faculty of accommodating, and even attaching itself 
 in such a manner, by dint of use, to things that are in 
 their own nature disagreeable, and even pernicious, that 
 it cannot bear to be delivered from them without 
 reluctance and regret. Baynard was so absorbed in 
 his delirium, that he did not perceive me when I 
 entered, and desired one of the women to conduct the 
 aunt into her own chamber. At the same time, I
 
 Death of Mrs. Baynard 217 
 
 begged the tutor to withdraw the boy, who stood 
 gaping in a corner, very little affected with the distress 
 of the scene. These steps being taken, I waited till 
 the first violence of my friend's transport was abated, 
 then disengaged him gently from the melancholy object, 
 and led him by the hand into another apartment ; 
 though he struggled so hard, that I was obliged to 
 have recourse to the assistance of his valet-de-chambre. 
 In a few minutes, however, he recollected himself, and 
 folding me in his arms, "This," cried he, "is a 
 friendly office, indeed ! I know not how you came 
 hither, but I think Heaven sent you to prevent my 
 going distracted. O Matthew ! I have lost my dear 
 Harriet! — my poor, gentle, tender creature, that loved 
 me with such warmth and purity of affection — my 
 constant companion of twenty years! — She's gone 
 — she's gone for ever ! Heaven and earth, where is 
 she ? — Death shall not part us !" 
 
 So saying, he started up, and could hardly be with- 
 held from returning to the scene we had quitted. You 
 will perceive it would have been very absurd for me to 
 argue with a man that talked so madly. On all such 
 occasions, the first torrent of passion must be allowed 
 to subside gradually. I endeavoured to beguile his 
 attention by starting little hints, and insinuating other 
 objects of discourse imperceptibly; and being exceed- 
 ingly pleased in my own mind at this event, I exerted 
 myself with such an extraordinary flow of spirits as 
 was attended with success. In a few hours he was 
 calm enough to hear reason, and even to own that 
 Heaven could not have interposed more effectually to 
 rescue him from disgrace and ruin. That he might 
 not, however, relapse into weaknesses for want of com- 
 pany, I passed the night in his chamber, in a little tent- 
 bed brought thither on purpose ; and well it was that 
 I took this precaution, for he started up in bed several
 
 2i8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 times, and would have played the fool, if I had not 
 been present. 
 
 Next day he was in a condition to talk of business, 
 and vested me with full authority over his household, 
 which I began to exercise without loss of time, though 
 not before he knew and approved of the scheme I had 
 projected for his advantage. He would have quitted 
 the house immediately ; but this retreat I opposed. 
 Far from encouraging a temporary disgust, which 
 might degenerate into an habitual aversion, I resolved, 
 if possible, to attach him more than ever to his house- 
 hold gods. I gave directions for the funeral to be as 
 private as was consistent with decency ; I wrote to 
 London that an inventory and estimate might be made 
 of the furniture and effects in his town house, and gave 
 notice to the landlord, that Mr. Baynard should quit 
 the premises at Lady-day; I set a person at work to 
 take an account of everything in the country house, 
 including horses, carriages, and harness ; I settled the 
 young gentleman at a boarding-school, kept by a 
 clergyman in the neighbourhood, and thither he went 
 without reluctance, as soon as he knew that he was to 
 be troubled no more with his tutor, whom we dismissed. 
 The aunt continued very sullen, and never appeared at 
 table, though Mr. Baynard paid his respects to her 
 every day in her own chamber ; there also she held 
 conferences with the waiting-women and other servants 
 of the family ; but the moment her niece was interred, 
 she went away in a post-chaise prepared for that pur- 
 pose. She did not leave the house, however, without 
 giving Mr. Baynard to understand, that the wardrobe 
 of her niece was the perquisite of her woman ; accord- 
 ingly, that worthless drab received all the clothes, 
 laces, and linen of her deceased mistress, to the value 
 of five hundred pounds at a moderate computation. 
 
 The next step I took was to disband that legion of
 
 Clearing out the Drones 219 
 
 supernumerary domestics, who had preyed so long upon 
 the vitals of my friend ; a parcel of idle drones so 
 intolerably insolent, that they even treated their own 
 master with the most contemptuous neglect. They 
 had been generally hired by his wife, according to the 
 recommendation of her woman, and these were the 
 only patrons to whom they paid the least deference. I 
 had therefore uncommon satisfaction in clearing the 
 house of those vermin. The woman of the deceased, 
 and a chambermaid, a valet-de-chambre, a butler, a 
 French cook, a master gardener, two footmen, and a 
 coachman, I paid off, and turned out of the house 
 immediately, paying to each a month's wages in lieu of 
 warning. Those whom I retained consisted of a 
 female cook, who had been assistant to the Frenchman, 
 a housemaid, an old lacquey, a postillion, and under- 
 gardener. Thus I removed at once a huge mountain 
 of expense and care from the shoulders of my friend, 
 who could hardly believe the evidence of his own 
 senses, when he found himself so suddenly and so 
 effectually relieved. His heart, however, was still 
 subject to vibrations of tenderness, which returned at 
 certain intervals, extorting sighs and tears, and exclama- 
 tions of grief and impatience ; but these fits grew every 
 day less violent and less frequent, till at length his reason 
 obtained a complete victory over the infirmities of his 
 nature. 
 
 Upon an accurate inquiry into the state of his affairs, 
 I find his debts amount to twenty thousand pounds, tor 
 eighteen thousand pounds of which sum his estate is 
 mortgaged ; and as he pays five per cent, interest, and 
 some of his farms are unoccupied, he does not receive 
 above two hundred pounds a year clear from his lands, 
 over and above the interest of his wife's fortune, 
 which produced eight hundred pounds annually. For 
 lightening this heavy burden, I devised the following
 
 220 Humphry Clinker 
 
 expedient. His wife's jewels, together with his super- 
 fluous plate and furniture in both houses, his horses and 
 carriages, which are already advertised to be sold by 
 auction, will, according to the estimate, produce two 
 thousand live hundred pounds in ready money, with 
 which the debt will be immediately reduced to eighteen 
 thousand pounds. I have undertaken to find him ten 
 thousand pounds at four per cent., by which means he 
 will save one hundred a year in the article of interest, 
 and perhaps we shall be able to borrow the other eight 
 thousand on the same terms. According to his own 
 scheme of a country life, he says he can live com- 
 fortably for three hundred pounds a year ; but, as he 
 has a son to educate, we will allow him five hundred ; 
 then there will be an accumulating fund of seven hun- 
 dred a year, principal and interest, to pay off the en- 
 cumbrance ; and, I think, we may modestly add three 
 hundred on the presumption of new-leasing and im- 
 proving the vacant farms ; so that, in a couple of years, 
 I suppose there will be above a thousand a year appro- 
 priated to liquidate a debt of sixteen thousand. 
 
 We forthwith began to class and set apart the articles 
 designed for sale, under the direction of an upholder 
 from London ; and, that nobody in the house might 
 be idle, commenced our reformation without doors, as 
 well as within. With Baynard's good leave, I ordered 
 the gardener to turn the rivulet into its own channel, to 
 refresh the fainting Naiads, who had so long languished 
 among mouldering roots, withered leaves, and dry 
 pebbles. The shrubbery is condemned to extirpation ; 
 and the pleasure-ground will be restored to its original 
 use of cornfield and pasture. Orders are given for 
 rebuilding the walls of the garden at the back of the 
 house, and for planting clumps of firs, intermingled 
 with beech and chestnut, at the east end, which is now 
 quite exposed to the surly blasts that come from that
 
 Mrs. Tabitha Wavers 221 
 
 quarter. All these works being actually begun, and 
 the house and auction left to the care and manage- 
 ment of a reputable attorney, I brought Baynard along 
 with me in the chaise, and made him acquainted with 
 Dennison, whose goodness of heart would not fail to 
 engage his esteem and affection. He is indeed charmed 
 with our society in general, and declares that he never 
 saw the theory of true pleasure reduced to practice 
 before. I really believe it would not be an easy task 
 to find such a number of individuals assembled under 
 one roof more happy than we are at present. 
 
 I must tell you, however, in confidence, I suspect 
 Tabby of JLergi yersation. I have been so long accus- 
 tomed to that~original, that I know all the caprices of 
 her heart, and can often perceive her designs while 
 they are yet in embryo. She attached herself to 
 Lismahago for no other reason but that she despaired 
 of making a more agreeable conquest. At present, if 
 I am not much mistaken in my observation, she would 
 gladly convert the widowhood of Baynard to her own 
 advantage. Since he arrived, she has behaved very 
 coldly to the captain, and strove to fasten on the other's 
 heart with the hooks of overstrained civility. These 
 must be the instinctive efforts of her constitution, rather 
 than the effects of any deliberate design ; for matters 
 are carried to such a length with the lieutenant, that 
 she could not retract with any regard to conscience or 
 reputation. Besides, she will meet with nothing but 
 indifference or aversion on the side of Baynard, who has 
 too much sense to think of such a partner at any time, 
 and too much delicacy to admit a thought of any such 
 connexion at the present juncture. Meanwhile I have 
 prevailed upon her to let him have four thousand pounds 
 at four per cent, towards paying off his mortgage. 
 Young Dennison has agreed that Liddy's fortune shall 
 be appropriated to the same purpose, on the same
 
 122 Humphry Clinker 
 
 terms. His father will sell out three thousand pounds 
 stock for his accommodation. Farmer Bland" has, at 
 the desire of Wilson, undertaken for two thousand ; 
 and I must make an effort to advance what farther will 
 be required to take my friend out of the hands of the 
 Philistines. He is so pleased with the improvements 
 made on this estate, which is all cultivated like a 
 garden, that he has entered himself as a pupil in farm- 
 ing to Mr. Dennison, and resolved to attach himself 
 wholly to the practice of husbandry. 
 
 Everything is now prepared for our double wedding. 
 The marriage articles for both couples are drawn and 
 executed ; and the ceremony only waits until the 
 parties shall have been resident in the parish the term 
 prescribed by law. Young Dennison betrays some 
 symptoms of impatience ; but Lisniahago bears this 
 necessary delay with the temper of a philosopher. You 
 must know, the captain does not stand altogether on 
 the foundation of personal merit. Besides his half- 
 pay, amounting to two-and-forty pounds a year, this 
 indefatigable economist has amassed eight hundred 
 pounds, which he has secured in the funds. This 
 sum arises partly from his pay's running up while he 
 remained among the Indians ; partly from what he 
 received as a consideration for the difference between 
 his full appointment and the half-pay, to which he is 
 now restricted ; and partly from the profits of a little 
 traffic he drove in peltry, during his sachemship among 
 the Miamis. 
 
 Liddy's fears and perplexities have been much 
 assuaged by the company of one Miss Willis, who had 
 been her intimate companion at the boarding-school. 
 Her parents had been earnestly solicited to allow her 
 making this friendly visit on such an extraordinary 
 occasion ; and two days ago she arrived with her 
 mother, who did not choose that she should come
 
 Matrimonial Preparations 223 
 
 without a proper governante. The young lady is very 
 handsome, sprightly, and agreeable, and the mother a 
 mighty good sort of a woman ; so that their coming 
 adds considerably to our enjoyment. But we shall 
 have a third couple yoked in the matrimonial chain. 
 Mr. Clinker Lloyd has made humble remonstrance, 
 through the channel of my nephew, setting forth the 
 sincere love and affection mutually subsisting between 
 him and Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, and praying my con- 
 sent to their coming together for life. I would have 
 wished that Mr. Clinker had kept out of this scrape ; 
 but as the nymph's happiness is at stake, and she has 
 had already some fits in the way of despondence, I, in 
 order to prevent any tragical catastrophe, have given 
 him leave to play the fool, in imitation of his betters ; 
 and I suppose we shall have in time a whole litter of 
 his progeny at Brambleton Hall. The fellow is stout 
 and lusty, very sober and conscientious ; and the wench 
 seems to be as great an enthusiast in love as in religion. 
 1 wish you would think of employing him some 
 other way, that the parish may not be overstocked. 
 You know he has been bred a farrier, consequently 
 belongs to the faculty ; and, as he is very docile, I 
 make no doubt, but, with your good instruction, he 
 may be, in a little time, qualified to act as a Welsh 
 apothecary. Tabby, who never did a favour with a 
 good grace, has consented, with great reluctance, to 
 this match. Perhaps it hurts her pride, as she now 
 considers Clinker in the light of a relation ; but I 
 believe her objections are of a more selfish nature. 
 She declares she cannot think of retaining the wife of 
 Matthew Lloyd in the character of a servant; and she 
 foresees, that, on such an occasion, the woman will 
 expect some gratification for her past services. As for 
 Clinker, exclusive of other considerations, he is so 
 trusty, brave, affectionate, and alert, and I owe him such
 
 224 Humphry Clinker 
 
 personal obligations, that he merits more than all the 
 indulgence that can possibly be shown him by yours, 
 October 26. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon. 
 
 Dear Knight, — The fatal knots are now tied. The 
 comedy is near a close, and the curtain is ready to 
 drop ; but the latter scenes of this act I shall recapitu- 
 late in order. About a fortnight ago, my uncle made 
 an excursion across the country, and brought hither a 
 particular friend, one Mr. Baynard, who has just lost 
 his wife, and was for some time disconsolate, though, 
 by all accounts, he had much more cause for joy than 
 for sorrow at this event. His countenance, however, 
 clears up apace ; and he appears to be a person of rare 
 accomplishments. But we have received another still 
 more agreeable reinforcement to our company, by the 
 arrival of Miss Willis from Gloucester. She was 
 Liddy's bosom friend at boarding-school, and, being 
 earnestly solicited to assist at the nuptials, her mother 
 was so obliging as to grant my sister's request, and 
 even to come with her in person. Liddy, accompanied 
 by George Dennison and me, gave them the meeting 
 half-way, and next day conducted them hither in safety. 
 Miss Willis is a charming girl, and, in point of dis- 
 position, an agreeable contrast to my sister, who is 
 rather too grave and sentimental for my turn of mind ; 
 the other is gay, frank, a little giddy, and always good- 
 humoured. She has, moreover, a genteel fortune, is 
 well born, and remarkably handsome. Ah, Phillips ! 
 if these qualities were permanent — if her humour would 
 never change, nor her beauties decay, what efforts 
 would I not make ! But these are idle reflections — my 
 destiny must one day be fulfilled. 
 
 At present we pass the time as agreeably as we can.
 
 The Lieutenant's Baggage 225 
 
 We have got up several farces, which afforded un- 
 speakable entertainment, by the effects they produced 
 among the country people, who are admitted to all our 
 exhibitions. Two nights ago, Jack Wilson acquired 
 great applause in Harlequin Skeleton, and Lismahago 
 surprised us all in the character of P'terot. His long 
 lank sides, and strong-marked features, were all pecu- 
 liarly adapted to his part. He appeared with a ludi- 
 crous stare, from which he had discharged all meaning. 
 He adopted the impressions of fear and amazement so 
 naturally, that many of the audience were infected by 
 his looks ; but when the skeleton held him in chase, 
 his horror became most divertingly picturesque, and 
 seemed to endow him with such preternatural agility, 
 as confounded all the spectators. It was a lively 
 representation of Death in pursuit of Consumption ; 
 and had such an effect upon the commonalty, that 
 some of them shrieked aloud, and others ran out of the 
 hall in the utmost consternation. 
 
 This is not the only instance in which the lieutenant 
 had lately excited our wonder. His temper, which 
 had been soured and shrivelled by disappointment and 
 chagrin, is now swelled out and smoothed like a raisin 
 in plum-porridge. From being reserved and puncti- 
 lious, he is become easy and obliging. He cracks 
 jokes, laughs, and banters, with the most facetious 
 familiarity ; and, in a word, enters into all our schemes 
 of merriment and pastime. The other day his baggage 
 arrived in the waggon from London, contained in two 
 large trunks, and a long deal box, not unlike a cofhn. 
 The trunks were filled with his wardrobe, which he 
 displayed for the entertainment of the company ; and 
 he freely owned, that it consisted chiefly of the opima 
 spol'ia taken in battle. What he selected for his wed- 
 ding suit was a tarnished white cloth, faced with blue 
 velvet, embroidered with silver ; but he valued himself 
 n.-T5
 
 226 Humphry Clinker 
 
 most upon a tie-periwig, in which he had made his 
 first appearance as a lawyer, about thirty years ago. 
 This machine had been in buckle ever since, and now 
 all the servants in the family were employed to frizz it 
 out for the ceremony, which was yesterday celebrated 
 at the parish church. George Dennison and his bride 
 were distinguished by nothing extraordinary in their 
 apparel. His eyes lightened with eagerness and joy, 
 and she trembled with coyness and confusion. My 
 uncle gave her away, and her friend Willis supported 
 her during the ceremony. 
 
 But my aunt and her paramour took the pas, and 
 formed indeed such a pair of originals, as, I believe, all 
 England could not parallel. She was dressed in the 
 style of 1739 ; and the day being cold, put on a mantle 
 of green velvet laced with gold ; but this was taken off 
 by the bridegroom, who threw over her shoulders a 
 fur cloak of American sables, valued at fourscore 
 guineas, a present equally agreeable and unexpected. 
 Thus accoutred, she was led up to the altar by Mr. 
 Dennison, who did the office of her father. Lisma- 
 hago advanced in the military step, with his French 
 coat reaching no farther than the middle of his thigh, 
 his campaign wig that surpasses all description, and a 
 languishing leer upon his countenance, in which there 
 seemed to be something arch and ironical. The ring 
 which he put upon her finger, he had concealed till the 
 moment it was used. He now produced it with an 
 air of self-complacency. It was a curious antique, set 
 with rose diamonds : he told us afterwards it had been 
 in his family two hundred years, and was a present 
 from his grandmother. These circumstances agree- 
 ably flattered the pride of our aunt Tabitha, which had 
 already found uncommon gratification in the captain's 
 generosity ; for he had, in the morning, presented my 
 uncle with a fine bear's skin, and a Spanish fowling-
 
 Nuptial Observances 227 
 
 piece, and me with a case of pistols curiously mounted 
 with silver. At the same time, he gave Mrs. Jenkins 
 an Indian purse, made of silk grass, containing twenty 
 crown pieces. You must know, this young lady, with 
 the assistance of Mr. Lloyd, formed the third couple 
 who yesterday sacrificed to Hymen. I wrote you in 
 my last that he had recourse to my mediation, which 
 I employed successfully with my uncle ; but Mrs. 
 Tabitha held out till the love-sick Jenkins had two 
 fits of the mother ; then she relented, and those two 
 cooing turtles were caged for life. Our aunt made an 
 effort of generosity in furnishing the bride with her 
 superfluities of clothes and linen, and her example was 
 followed by my sister ; nor did Mr. Bramble and I 
 neglect her on this occasion. It was indeed a day of 
 peace-offering. Mr. Dennison insisted upon Liddy's 
 accepting two bank-notes of one hundred pounds each, 
 as pocket-money ; and his lady gave her a diamond 
 necklace of double that value. There was, besides, a 
 mutual exchange of tokens among the individuals of 
 the two families thus happily united. 
 
 As George Dennison and his partner were judged 
 improper objects of mirth, Jack Wilson had resolved 
 to execute some jokes on Lismahago, and, after supper, 
 began to ply him with bumpers, when the ladies had 
 retired ; but the captain perceiving his drift, begged 
 for quarter, alleging that the adventure in which he 
 had engaged was a very serious matter ; and that it 
 would be more the part of a good Christian to pray 
 that he might be strengthened, than to impede his 
 endeavours to finish the adventure. He was spared 
 accordingly, and permitted to ascend the nuptial couch 
 with all his senses about him. There he and his con- 
 sort sat in state, like Saturn and Cybelc, while the 
 benediction posset was drank ; and a cake being 
 broken over the head of Mrs. Tabitha Lismahago,
 
 22 8 Humphry Clinker 
 
 the fragments were distributed among the bystanders, 
 according to the custom of the ancient Britons, on the 
 supposition that every person who ate of this hallowed 
 cake should that night have a vision of the man or 
 woman whom Heaven designed should be his or her 
 wedded mate. 
 
 The weight of Wilson's waggery fell upon honest 
 Humphry and his spouse, who were bedded in an upper 
 room, with the usual ceremony of throwing the stock- 
 ing. This being performed, and the company with- 
 drawn, a sort of catterwauling ensued, when Jack found 
 means to introduce a real cat shod with walnut-shells, 
 which, galloping along the boards, made such a dreadful 
 noise as effectually discomposed our lovers. Winifred 
 screamed aloud, and shrunk under the bedclothes — 
 Mr. Lloyd, believing that Satan was come to buffet 
 him in propria persona, laid aside all carnal thoughts, 
 and began to pray aloud with great fervency. At 
 length, the poor animal, being more afraid than either, 
 leaped into the bed, and mewled with the most piteous 
 exclamation. Lloyd, thus informed of the nature of 
 the annoyance, rose and set the door wide open, so 
 that this troublesome visitant retreated with great ex- 
 pedition ; then securing himself, by means of a double 
 bolt, from a second intrusion, he was left to enjoy his 
 good fortune without disturbance. 
 
 If one may judge from the looks of the parties, 
 they are all very well satisfied with what has passed. 
 George Dennison and his wife are too delicate to ex- 
 hibit any strong- marked signs of their mutual satisfac- 
 tion, but their eyes are sufficiently expressive. Mrs. 
 Tabitha Lismahago is rather fulsome in signifying her 
 approbation of the captain's love ; while his deport- 
 ment is the very pink of gallantry. He sighs, and 
 ogles, and languishes at this amiable object ; he kisses 
 her hand, mutters ejaculations of rapture, and sings
 
 General Migration 229 
 
 tender airs ; and, no doubt, laughs internally at her 
 folly in believing him sincere. In order to show how 
 little his vigour was impaired by the fatigues of the 
 preceding day, he this morning danced a Highland 
 saraband over a naked back-sword, and leaped so high, 
 that I believe he would make no contemptible figure 
 as a vaulter at Sadler's Wells. Mr. Matthew Lloyd, 
 when asked how he relishes his bargain, throws up his 
 eyes, crying, " For what we have received, Lord 
 make us thankful : Amen." His helpmate giggles, 
 and holds her hand before her eyes, affecting to be 
 ashamed of having been in bed with a man. Thus all 
 these widgeons enjoy the novelty of their situation ; 
 but perhaps their note will be changed, when they are 
 better acquainted with the nature of the decoy. 
 
 As Mrs. Willis cannot be persuaded to stay, and 
 Liddy is engaged by promise to accompany her 
 daughter back to Gloucester, I fancy there will be a 
 general migration from hence, and that most of us will 
 spend the Christmas holidays at Bath ; in which case, 
 I shall certainly find an opportunity to beat up your 
 quarters. By this time, I suppose, you are sick of 
 alma mater, and even ready to execute that scheme of 
 peregrination which was last year concerted between 
 you and Your affectionate 
 
 November 8. J. Melford. 
 
 To Dr. Lewis. 
 
 Dear Doctor, — My niece Liddy is now happily 
 settled for life ; and Captain Lismahago has taken 
 Tabby off my hands ; so that I have nothing farther 
 to do but to comfort my friend Baynard, and provide 
 for my son Lloyd, who is also fairly joined to Mrs. 
 Winifred Jcnkms. You are an excellent genius at 
 hints. Dr. Arbuthnot was but a type of Dr. Lewis
 
 230 Humphry Clinker 
 
 in that respect. What you observe of the vestry-clerk 
 deserves consideration. I make no doubt but Matthew 
 Lloyd is well enough qualified for the office ; but, at 
 present, you must find room for him in the house. 
 His incorruptible honesty and indefatigable care will 
 be serviceable in superintending the economy of my 
 farm, though I don't mean that he shall interfere with 
 Barnes, of whom I have no cause to complain. I am 
 just returned with Baynard from a second trip to his 
 house, where everything is regulated to his satisfaction. 
 He could not, however, review the apartments without 
 tears and lamentation, so that he is not yet in a condi- 
 tion to be left alone ; therefore, I will not part with 
 him till the spring, when he intends to plunge into the 
 avocations of husbandry, which will at once employ 
 and amuse his attention. Charles Dennison has pro- 
 mised to stay with him a fortnight, to set him fairly 
 afloat in his improvements ; and Jack Wilson will see 
 him from time to time ; besides, he has a few friends 
 in the country, whom his new plan of life will not 
 exclude from his society. In less than a year, I make 
 no doubt but he will find himself perfectly at ease, 
 both in his mind and body, for the one had dangerously 
 affected the other ; and I shall enjoy the exquisite 
 pleasure of seeing my friend rescued from misery and 
 contempt. 
 
 Mrs. Willis being determined to return with her 
 daughter, in a few days, to Gloucester, our plan has 
 undergone some alteration. Jerry has persuaded his 
 brother-in-law to carry his wife to Bath ; and I believe 
 his parents will accompany him thither. For my part, 
 I have no intention to take that route ; it must be some- 
 thing very extraordinary that will induce me either to 
 revisit Bath or London. My sister and her husband, 
 Baynard and I, will take leave of them at Gloucester, 
 and make the best of our way to Brambleton Hall,
 
 Mr, Bramble Invigorated 231 
 
 where I desire you will prepare a good chine and 
 turkey for our Christmas dinner. You must also em- 
 ploy your medical skill in defending me from the 
 attacks of the gout, that I may be in good case to 
 receive the rest of our company, who promise to visit 
 us in their return from Bath. As I have laid in a 
 considerable stock of health, it is to be hoped you will 
 not have much trouble with me in the way of physic, 
 but I intend to work you on the side of exercise. I 
 have got an excellent fowling-piece from Mr. Lisma- 
 hago, who is a keen sportsman, and we shall take the 
 heath in all weathers. That this scheme of life may 
 be prosecuted the more effectually, I intend to renounce 
 all sedentary amusements, particularly that of writing 
 long letters ; a resolution which, had I taken it sooner, 
 might have saved you the trouble which you have 
 lately taken in reading the tedious epistles of 
 November 14. Matt. Bramble. 
 
 To Mrs. Gwyllim, at Brambkton Hall. 
 
 Good Mrs. Gwyllim, — Heaven, for wise pur- 
 poses, hath ordained that I should change my name 
 and citation in life, so that I am not to be con- 
 sidered any more as manger of my brother's family. 
 But as I cannot surrender up my stewardship till 
 I have settled with you and Williams, I desire you 
 will get your accunts ready for inspection, as we are 
 coming home without further delay. My spouse, the 
 captain, being subject to rummatticks, I beg you will 
 take great care to have the bloo chamber, up two pair 
 of stairs, well warmed for his reception. Let the 
 sashes be secured, the crevices stopt, the carpets laid, 
 and the beds well tousled. Mrs. Loyd, late Jenkins, 
 being married to a relation of the family, cannot remain 
 in the capacity of a sarvant ; therefore, I wish you
 
 232 Humphry Clinker 
 
 would cast about for some creditable body to be with 
 me in her room. If she can spin, and is mistress of 
 plain work, so much the better ; but she must not 
 expect extravagant wages ; having a family of ray own, 
 I must be more oecumenical than ever. No more at 
 present, but rests Your loving friend, 
 
 November 20. Tab. Lismahago. 
 
 To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Bramlleton Hall. 
 
 Mrs. Jones, — Providinch hath bin pleased to make 
 great halteration in the pasture of our affairs. We 
 were yesterday three kiple chined by the grease of 
 God, in the holy bands of mattermoney ; and I now 
 subscrive myself Loyd at your sarvice. All the parish 
 allowed that young squire Dallison and his bride was 
 a comely pear for to see. As for Madam Lashmi- 
 heygo, you nose her picklearities — her head, to be sure, 
 was fintastical ; and her spouse had rapt her with a 
 long marokin furze clock from the land of the selvedges, 
 thof they say it is of immense vally. The captain 
 himself had a hudge hassock of air, with three tails, and 
 a tumtawdry coat, boddered with sulfur. Wan said he 
 was a monkeybank ; and the ould botler swore he was 
 born imich of Titidall. For my part, I says nothing, 
 being as how the captain has done the handsome thing 
 by me. Mr. Loyd was dressed in a little frog and 
 checket with gould binding ; and thof he don't enter 
 in caparison with great folks of quality, yet he has got 
 as good blood in his veins as arrow private squire in 
 the county ; and then his pursing is fir from contentible. 
 Your humble sarvant had on a plain pea-green tabby 
 sack, with my Runnela cap, ruff toupee, and side curls. 
 They said, I was the very moral of Lady Rickman- 
 stone, but not so pale — that may well be, for her lady- 
 ship is my elder by seven good years and more.
 
 Close of the Expedition 233 
 
 Now, Mrs. Mary, our satiety is to suppurate. Mr. 
 Millfart goes to Bath along with the Dallisons, and 
 the rest of us push home to Wales to pass our Christ- 
 mash at Brampleton Hall. As our appartments is to 
 be the yallow pepper, in the thurd story, pray carry my 
 things thither. Present my compliments to Mrs. 
 Gwillim, and I hope she and I will live upon dissent 
 terms of civility. Being, by God's blessing, removed 
 to a higher spear, you'll excuse my being familiar with 
 the lower sarvants of the family ; but as I trust you'll 
 behave respectful, and keep a proper distance, you may 
 always depend upon the good-will and purtection of 
 Yours, W. LoYD. 
 
 ISlovember 20. 
 
 THE END 
 
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