French's Acting Edition, No. 2478. 
 
 THE MAN FROM 
 TORONTO 
 
 Comedy in Three j4cts 
 
 BY 
 
 DOUGLAS MURRAY 
 
 PRICE TWO SHILLINGS NET
 
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 With a view to obviate, as far as possible, the great difficulty 
 amateur* experience in obtaining scenerv. we have endeavoured to 
 
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 THE MAN FROM TORONTO
 
 THE MAN FROM 
 TORONTO 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts 
 
 By 
 
 DOUGLAS MURRAY 
 
 COPYRIGHT 1919 BY SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. 
 
 All rights reserved 
 
 LONDON 
 SAMUEL FRENCH. LTD. 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
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 STRAND. W.C.3 
 
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 SAMUEL FREN0H 
 
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 s play both by 
 made to 
 
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 by amateurs is 
 .uction can be 
 
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 e for this play 
 
 & Company, 
 
 1 be sent by this 
 
 the scene used 
 taken by Messrs. 
 I Street, London, 
 
 performance of 
 nay be obtained 
 )llington Street,
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO 
 
 Produced on May 30, 1918, at the Royalty Theatre, London, 
 with the following cast of characters : 
 FERGUS WIMBUSH (a Canadian of five- 
 
 and-thirty, just over on his first visit 
 
 to England, and for reasons which 
 
 the Comedy will show) . . . Mr. George Tutty. 
 RUTH WIMBUSH (his elder sister) . Mtes Marion Ashworth. 
 ADA WIMBUSH (his younger sister) . Miss Owen Gwynne. 
 MRS. CALTHOBPB (a young widow 
 
 spending most of her time at Beach 
 
 House, Teignmouth) . . . Miss Iris Hoey. 
 MR. PRIESTLEY (Guardian, Trustee, 
 
 Uncle by marriage, and Legal Adviser 
 
 to Mrs. Calthorpe) . . . . Mr. Eric Lewis. 
 ROBERT GILMOUB (her young cousin, 
 
 on a visit to Beach House) . . Mr. Henry Domett. 
 MARTHA (the smart little cook-general 
 
 of Beach House) .... Miss Margaret Moffat. 
 MRS. HUBBARD (the ugliest woman in 
 
 Christendom, whose features play an 
 
 important part in the Comedy) . Miss Ada Palmer. 
 MINOTE HUBBARD (her daughter) . Miss Phoebe Hodgson. 
 
 SCENE. The entire work of the play is enacted in the parlour of 
 
 Beach House, Teignmouth. 
 TIME. Whenever you please. 
 
 On July 1, 1918, the play was transferred to the Duke of 
 York's Theatre, London, where it continued for 486 performances.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE. The parlour of MRS. CALTHORPE'S seashore 
 cottage in Devonshire, which forms the setting for the 
 three acts of the play. The room is that of a woman 
 of taste, consequently is not extravagant in absurd 
 decoration. It is the living and livable room of a small 
 house on the coast, with the sea-beach just beyond the 
 casement windows. The dresser on the right wall has 
 a little serviceable plate, decanters of spirits, syphons 
 of aerated water, cigar boxes and tins of cigarettes. A 
 writing table is below it. A round table in centre of 
 room. A large easy grandfather's chair beyond large 
 open fireplace in left wall. An oak bench in front of 
 fireplace, a bell- pull below it. A door in the back wall 
 opens to the beach. On the left of it is the wide case- 
 ments with window seat. On the right of it, across the 
 angle of the room, the door to the hall. 
 
 TIME. The time is about the middle of May, there is 
 just a nip still left in the air, and although windows 
 and doors are flung wide open, fires in the grate have 
 not yet been discarded. 
 
 (Upon the rise of the curtain on an empty stage, 
 ROBERT is heard from the beach mournfully humming 
 " All that I ask is Love." He is seen to come to the 
 casement carrying a mast and sails from a dinghy across 
 his shoulders, and a couple of boat cushions.) 
 
 ROBERT (calling in). What-o there ! (A pause.) 
 A-hoy ! 
 
 (There being no answer he leans the mast against the 
 9
 
 10 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 watt outside and enters looks round rather 
 Goes to door, opens and listens.) 
 
 (Calling into the hatt) Is everybody dead ? 
 MARTHA (off). No, Mr. Bob. I'm all right. 
 
 (With a grin ROBERT comes back and flings the cushions 
 down as MARTHA appears in the doorway.) 
 
 The Mistress has gone to the village. I don't think she 
 expected you ashore until late. 
 
 (He grunts and MARTHA comes in a pace.) 
 
 You look as if you'd got the hump. 
 
 ROBERT. I'm fed up, Martha. 
 
 MARTHA. N-o ! What on ? 
 
 ROBERT. Oh, life generally. What's your opinion 
 of life, Martha ? 
 
 MARTHA. Well, life's life, ain't it, and when you're 
 dead, you're done with. 
 
 ROBERT. Ahahaha ! 
 
 MARTHA (quite motherly). You've had no lunch. 
 There's a nice little bit of cold 'am and chicken. 
 
 ROBERT. No I'll have a whiskey and soda. 
 
 MARTHA (rather startled to sideboard). Very well, 
 though I don't hold with whiskey in the afternoon 
 not at your age. 
 
 ROBERT (with an expressive sigh). I've had three 
 weeks of Teignmouth, Martha, another two days of it 
 and I'tt be dead. 
 
 MARTHA (chuckling). It's too slow for yer, is it ? 
 (Soda from syphon into glass.) Why don't you work ? 
 Don't you want to work ? (Turns with glass and gives 
 fc) 
 
 ROBERT. I want to make money, of course, if that's 
 what you mean. But how, Martha how ? 
 
 MARTHA. Well, I make twenty pounds a year, and 
 I reckon me tips and presents come to another ten. 
 
 (ROBERT grins at her and drinks.) 
 
 Then me board and washing must be equal to another 
 thirty that's sixty.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO 11 
 
 ROBERT (between drinks) . I don't make sixty shillings. 
 
 MARTHA. Don't -yer ? 
 
 ROBERT (emptying the glass). Not sixty pence, and 
 my education cost at least a couple of thousand pounds. 
 
 MARTHA. My ! A pretty bad investment, wasn't it ? 
 
 ROBERT. You think so ! Well perhaps you're 
 right. (Tickled and meditates.) I suppose if a chap 
 like me were to ask a girl like you to marry him, you'd 
 give him a bit of your mind ? 
 
 MARTHA. Well I should want to know 'ow things 
 were likely to go on, of course. 
 
 ROBERT. A h ! Then I don't think I'll risk it. 
 
 (He holds out the empty glass, and as she takes it he im- 
 prisons her hand, and tries to put the other round her 
 waist.) 
 
 MARTHA (smilingly replusing him). Now then, behave 
 yourself. 
 
 (He laughs and clutches her, she half-heartedly pushes 
 him away.) 
 
 Get away, you'll break the glass in a minute. 
 ROBERT. Come here ! Keep still ! 
 
 (She laughs and tries to wriggle away, but he holds her 
 firmly.) 
 
 K-e-e-p still! 
 
 (She laughs louder and fights half-heartedly for freedom, 
 but he overpowers her and clasping her close kisses her 
 rapturously. As he withdraws his embrace he discovers 
 MRS. CALTHORPE standing in the doorway watching 
 him with rather amused astonishment. As their glances 
 meet she cleverly runs back, and ROBERT frees the girl. 
 As she straightens out her apron the front door bell rings.) 
 
 MARTHA (craftily). The Missis ! What a bit o' luck 
 she 'adn't got her key, she'd 'ave caught us. 
 
 (Exit MARTHA quickly, closing the door.) 
 ROBERT (incensed with himself). 'T'augh !
 
 12 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 (He looks about undecided, then he makes a bolt for the 
 casement, but reaching it changes his mind and bravely 
 remains as MRS. CALTHORPE enters. As she comes to 
 her table she discovers him.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Hullo ! You got back before I 
 did. 
 
 ROBERT. Obviously ! 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPH (cynically). A bit of luck for you, 
 wasn't it ? 
 
 ROBERT (apologetically). Kissing a skiwie is like 
 eating an apple before breakfast it keeps one fit. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (curling her disgust cleverly). Well, 
 the next time you want to eat an apple before breakfast, 
 just you rob some other woman's orchard. (She rings 
 the bell.) 
 
 ROBERT (alarmedly). You're not going to rag her, 
 Leila. 
 
 (No answer.) 
 
 (Fervently.) Lil, don't, there's a good soul. I'm fear- 
 fully sorry, I am really. 
 
 MRS. CALTIIORPE. Run away run a\vay 
 
 ROBERT (clutching her arm). But, Lil darling . . . 
 
 (Enter MARTHA. ROBERT, quite crumpled up, retires 
 slowly and goes up to his mast outside. MRS. CALTHORPE 
 removes her hat which MARTHA takes, then her coat.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Hub- 
 bard in the village, has she called ? 
 MARTHA. No, ma'am. 
 
 (MRS. CALTHORPE turns and MARTHA is dismissed.) 
 (Exit MARTHA.) 
 
 (ROBERT, who has fiddled with the mast outside, returns 
 smartly.) 
 
 ROBERT (quite relieved). You're a brick, Leila. 
 We've laid up the dinghy and I've brought in all the 
 gear. Old Duke thinks she'd better be scraped and 
 painted right away.
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 13 
 
 MBS. CALTHORPE. I'll see Duke myself. When do 
 you think of returning home ? 
 
 KOBERT. Oh er Saturday You hinted Saturday, 
 didn't you ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (bluntly). Could you conveniently 
 make it to-night or to-morrow ? 
 
 ROBERT (scared). Why, old lady ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Well, one of you will have to 
 go either you or Martha 
 
 ROBERT. Lil ! 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. and as I don't intend to lose 
 Martha, it must be you. 
 
 ROBERT. But why ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPB. Now, now, Bobby, don't let's 
 make a fuss about nothing. You're not an infant, and 
 I'm not a booby, but I can't possibly say nothing and 
 do nothing. You've just got to pack, my boy. Pack ! 
 
 ROBERT (digging his hands into his pockets). h ! 
 What rotten luck. Augh ! (Then he turns and saunters 
 tip. From casement he looks sheepishly back at her.) 
 It isn't the first time I've kissed a skivvie. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Now you're making it worse. If 
 I were you, I should let the matter drop, and recognize 
 that Cousin Leila w a brick, and leave it at that. 
 
 (He slowly accepts the situation, recovers the mast and 
 sail and is just turning away when lie apparently sees 
 something.) 
 
 ROBERT (calling in amusedly under his breath). Here's 
 old Mother Hubbard and her fat-headed daughter, 
 perhaps that'll put you in a better humour. 
 
 (Exit ROBERT, turning left.) 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD (off). Well, Master Bob, is Mrs. 
 
 Calthorpe in ? 
 
 ROBERT (off). Yes, Mrs. Hubbard she was just 
 complaining she hadn't seen you for ages. 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD (off fatuously). Oh, how nice of her. 
 
 (MRS. HUBBARD and MINNIE enter casement, beaming,) 
 Lear Mrs. Calthorpe, (hand out) Minnie is just off
 
 14 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 we thought we must come and wish you good-bye. 
 
 MINNIE (sniggering). Y-e-s ! 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. I should think so indeed. (To the 
 GIRL.) Well how are we feeling, plucky ? 
 
 MINNIE. Yes, Mrs. Calthorpe, thank you. I'm quite 
 resigned to go. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Bravo! When do you cross 1 This 
 evening ? 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. Not until the morning. I'm taking 
 her as far as Paris, and seeing her safely on her journey. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. That's wise the Paris railways 
 are most bewildering. 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. That's what Papa said. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (bored). Er er do sit down I 
 suppose you're catching the 3.20. 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. No, no, we don't dare to sit, you're 
 always so pressing, and we must just look in on Mrs. 
 Smithson. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. How dull Teignmouth will be 
 without Minnie ! (To the GIRL.) What shall we all do ? 
 
 MINNIE. E-e-e-e-e ! Not much fear of you being 
 dull, Mrs. Calthorpe. E-e-e-e ! 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. Minnie was rather hoping you'd 
 give her a little sound advice before she left. 
 
 (MINNIE slyly pulls her mother's dress.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Yes I can give her some excellent 
 advice : never wear damp shoes, and always eat an apple 
 before breakfast. 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. There ! You'll remember those two 
 things, won't you ? 
 
 MINNIE. Yes, always, mother. (She has dived into 
 her bag.) I've brought you my photograph, Mrs. Cal- 
 thorpe, I thought you'd like to have one. 
 
 (MRS. CALTHORPE takes it.) 
 
 And this is mother. (She proudly holds up another.) 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (taking it). Oh ! how excellent. 
 What a speaking likeness of you. (Contemplates the 
 beaming MRS. HUBBARD.)
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 18 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. Yes it is good, isn't it ? Every- 
 body says so. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Splendid ! the poise of the head 
 is so natural. 
 
 MRS. HOBBARD (squirming with dignified joy). Er-er ! 
 I haven't had my photograph taken since Minnie was 
 short-coated. And so many of my friends have urged 
 me so many times, that I felt I ought especially as 
 Minnie was going abroad. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (at the photograph, holding it away 
 to get a better impression, but inwardly boiling with 
 impatience}. Excellent ! 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. Mi. Pentelow took it twelve and 
 six a dozen twenty-four shillings for two dozen. I 
 had eighteen. Poor man, he has a hard struggle with 
 eleven little ones and an ailing wife. I really think I 
 must have the other six. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Oh, I should. And may I really 
 keep them both ? 
 
 MINNIE. Yes, Mrs. Calthorpe do ! 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. And now we must be going. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You're sure I may not hurry on 
 tea for you ? 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD. Quite sure, thank you, dear Mrs. 
 Calthorpe, (moving) I shall come and tell you all about 
 our travels. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Yes I shall be most anxious. 
 And Minnie must write to me very often. 
 
 (MINNIE squirms under MRS. CALTHORPE'S kindly arm 
 round her shoulders.) 
 
 MRS. HUBBARD (edging to casement). We'll go this 
 way. We've got Jinks' fly meeting us at Mrs. Smithson's 
 with the luggage. Good-bye. (Shaking hands with 
 MRS. CALTHORPE.) 
 
 MINNIE. Good-bye, Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (bravely kissing her). Good-bye, 
 dear, and heaps of good luck. 
 (At the casement tJiere are more " Good-byes " and a great 
 
 deal of sniggering from MINNIE, who is reluctant to 
 
 tear herself away.'}
 
 16 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 MINNIE. I'll be sure and write, and send you some 
 picture postcards from Rome. Good-bye. E-e-e ! 
 
 'The two WOMEN pass off MRS. CALTEORPE standing to 
 wave in response, and ROBERT appears from nowhere 
 and adds his waving, and shouts a few cynical good-byes 
 as make-weight, until MRS. CALTHORPE, unable to stand 
 any more, comes in on the top of a most expressive 
 sigh and stands c. gazing fixedly at the photographs in 
 her hand.) 
 
 ROBERT (turning in). What funny things you see 
 when you haven't got a gun. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Bob, I hereby forgive and pardon 
 you for kissing Martha. 
 
 (ROBERT shouts for joy and cuddles her affectionately, 
 and both look again at the portrait ana laugh.) 
 
 And poor Mr. Hubbard is one of the most really fasci- 
 nating men I've ever met. (Amusedly incredulous.) 
 How do these things happen ? 
 
 ROBERT (manfully). I think we get mesmerized by 
 you. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (photograph on mantelpiece). What, 
 by such a thing as this 1 
 
 ROBERT (with amusing point). Didn't you mesmerize 
 that Canadian buck, dear old Mr. Winkley ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Am I a Mrs. Hubbard ? I don't 
 want to brag about it, but I can do things, and say 
 things, and look things. 
 
 ROBERT. You certainly can. D'you know, Leila, 
 I've often wondered why you didn't pal up to old 
 Winkley. Rolling in wealth and 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Don't be ridiculous. 
 
 ROBERT. Well it wasn't a bad spec', you'd have 
 been an old man's darling for a year or two and then 
 blossomed out into something that matters, instead of 
 a (Stops.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (rather staggered). Well 1 Go on 
 say it. 
 
 ROBERT. May I ?
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 17 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Certainly. 
 
 ROBERT. Instead of a a dear little might-have-been. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (with a grim little sober smile). 
 Bobby, I never thought you had the slightest insight 
 into anything. You're right a dear little might-have- 
 been. No romance and precious little meaning. We're 
 a very big family, old chap. 
 
 ROBERT (relenting, softly in her ear). I didn't mean it. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Oh ! I've known it for a long 
 time. What an existence ! We get up in the morning 
 to do the same things we did the previous morning, and 
 for hundreds of previous mornings before that. We eat 
 a little, play a little, fool a little, and then comes bed 
 with a little more sleep. (As she turns and roams up.) 
 All as mechanical as the sea. Every day it's low tide 
 and high tide and it's always groaning and swishing. 
 h ! I'm sick of the eternal nothingness. I want 
 to create commotion. I want to live. 
 
 ROBERT. Well, why don't you ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Because our stupid conventions 
 still keep woman anchored. You don't think I live in 
 Teignmouth seven months out of the year because ] like 
 it. I do it because I must. And d'you know what ? 
 (She slops and flings her words at him.) There are 
 millions of us doing the same thing all watching and 
 waiting and praying for something to happen it doesn't 
 matter what. h ! for a Knight in Shining Armour 
 to ride up and carry us away out of the doldrums. 
 
 ROBERT. Phospherine isn't a bad thing for the 
 nerves, you know. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (with fine scorn). It isn't nerves, you 
 
 gosling, it's inspiring Imagination trying to to to 
 
 (her ten fingers itch to get at a meaning) trying to 
 
 What do I mean ? 
 
 ROBERT (with a grin). I dunno. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (sitting with a reckless little laugh 
 at her table). Nor do I. I shall pack up as well as 
 you, and we'll go to London together. Will your 
 mother have me for a week or so until I can plan things 
 out I 
 
 B
 
 18 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ROBERT (deprecatingly). Will she ! 
 
 (A loud persistent ringing of the front door bell. Both 
 prick up their ears at its persistency.) 
 
 ROBERT. Somebody in a hurry. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (alert). That isn't a Teignmouth 
 ring. 
 
 ROBERT (with a chuckk) Perhaps it's the Knight in 
 Shining Armour. 
 
 (MRS. CALTHORPE rises significantly.) 
 
 I'd better clear. I'll go and catch a couple of soles 
 or a halibut for dinner (turning from casement) which 
 do you prefer, soles or halibut ? 
 
 (But she is stupidly watching the door. Enter MARTHA.) 
 
 MARTHA (announcing). Mr. Priestley. 
 ROBERT (shouting back sotto voce). Ough ! Then I'll 
 make it a cod. 
 
 (Enter PRIESTLEY smartly, handing his hat and umbrella 
 to MARTHA, who retires, as ROBERT disappears through 
 casement.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (with delighted surprise). Nunkie. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (clutching both her hands). You're sur- 
 prised. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. What's happened ? An earth- 
 quake ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, it's an eruption, and I think 
 volcanic. (Breaking off into an absurd irrelevance, turning 
 up to casement.) By Jove, the smell of the sea is deli- 
 cious. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (clutching his coat and pulling him 
 back). Just you stick to the eruption you can smell 
 the sea later. (She twists him round like a wilful child.) 
 I know you've come to lecture me again on finance. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (getting to the hearthrug). Er er yes, 
 perhaps I have. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Then go back, I'm not in the 
 humour. I've got a fit of the blues, and I warn you 
 I'm dangerous.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 19 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, you're always that, aren't you? 
 Aud the more dangerous you become, the more complex 
 my position becomes. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (flaring up). What on earth do 
 you mean by " complex " ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, perhaps it will save time if I tell 
 you. First of all, I started by being your late husband's 
 Uncle. 
 
 (She groans.) 
 
 No, I didn't first of all I was your guardian, wasn't 
 
 I ? Then I was your uncle by marriage. Then I was 
 
 your Trustee, and then I became your legal adviser. 
 
 (He has ticked tJicm off on his fingers.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You haven't come unexpectedly 
 all the way to Teignmouth to to play finger tips. 
 h ! (Dashes to door and calls.) Martha. 
 
 MARTHA (off). Yes, ma'am. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Tea ! Strong tea ! (Closes the 
 door.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Now, Leila, your little stock of tricks 
 is very amusing, but for once in a while I want your 
 attention. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. And I warn you, I'm what Bobby 
 calls " fed up." 
 
 PRIESTLEY. So am I. As your Trustee I'm very 
 much " fed up." You are a hundred and twenty-seven 
 pounds fourteen and ninepence overdrawn at your 
 bankers, or you were on Tuesday, and I'm perfectly sure 
 it has increased since then, and as there are no more 
 dividends for another five months I'm wondering as 
 your Trustee what's going to happen. As your uncle 
 by marriage I know what's going to happen, but as 
 your Solicitor I'm going to see that it doesn't happen. 
 
 (The minx glares at him blankly, then tries another dodge. 
 She appears to soften, and she sidles up to him.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (sweetly). As my uncle by mar- 
 riage you've forgotten something. 
 PRIESTLEY. Oh ! what's that ?
 
 20 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 MBS. CALTHORPE (sticking her face an inch nearer 
 his). You haven't kissed me. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (pushing her off with both hands). Oh no, 
 you don't. This is business, serious business. For the 
 moment uncles don't count. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (foiled). Then you're going to be 
 horrid. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No, I'm not going to be horrid. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Yes, you are. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I am not. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Yes you are. (Tears.) You're 
 going to lecture me on Financial Morality. I hate finance 
 and I hate morals I mean financial morals. What's 
 the good of having a solicitor if you can't overdraw a 
 paltry hundred pounds or so. I know nothing about 
 money matters. That's your business. Can't you see 
 I'm crying. 
 
 (No effect on PRIESTLEY. She tries temper.) 
 I don't care what's going to happen, or what isn't 
 going to happen. I'm sick of everything. (She 
 bangs things about on sideboard.) I'm sick of uncles 
 an an and trustees, and money, and sick of myself, 
 there ! (Roughly spreading tea cloth on table.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (naively, after a pause). Have you 
 finished ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. I have not finished, and I hope 
 you're not stopping long because I've got some packing 
 to do. I'm going to London in the morning with Bobbie 
 for the season. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Really ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Yea, really. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, I don't think you are. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (furious). Now look here 1 Look 
 here. Uncle ! 
 
 (Enter MARTHA with tea and the discussion breaks. She 
 assists diplomatically at the table.) 
 
 (Exit MARTHA.) 
 
 (She sits top side of table and irritably pours out. PRIEST- 
 LEY takes a cup of tea from tray and returns to hearthrug ,
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 21 
 
 catching sight of MRS. HUBBARD'S photograph on 
 mantelpiece.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (a laugh). Oh ! (Puts cup down on bench 
 and takes photograph.) What a funny old dear. Who is 
 it? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPK (mulish). My friend Mrs. Hub- 
 bard ! 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Old Mother Hubbard 1 Is there by any 
 chance a Mr. Hubbard still alive ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. There is a Mr. Hubbard. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Brave man. (Replaces photograph and 
 recovers cup. Sits armchair.) My dear Leila, something 
 very exciting has occurred. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (jumping up). No. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Something quite romantic. 
 
 (Drinks his tea quite leisurely, sending her into fits of 
 impatience). 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Do you want me to scream ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No, I want you to be perfectly calm, if 
 you can be calm, and to tell me all there is to tell about 
 this Mr. Winkley the old gentleman you met on the 
 liner returning from New York last summer. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (aroused}. Mr. Winkley you know 
 all there is to know about Mr. Winkley. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (in his best judicial manner). He er he 
 was greatly attracted. Unusually attracted I believe. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Not more than most men who 
 meet me on liners. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. That, of course, I quite understand, but 
 er his attraction, if I remember, focussed itself into 
 an actual proposal of marriage. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (catching the judicial inflection, as 
 if she were replying to a cross-examination). It did. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. And you declined it. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. I refused him. He was a dear 
 sweet clean old gentleman, I admit, but . . . (She 
 breaks off and looks up searchingly.) Mr. Winkley hasn't 
 been getting at you, has he ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. The dear sweet clean old gentleman is
 
 22 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 beyond the possibility of getting at anybody. He's 
 deceased. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (blarneyingly). Dead ! h ! poor 
 old chap. (And she turns, affectedly holding her handker- 
 chief to her nose.) Isn't it funny, whenever I feel I ought 
 to shed a silent little tear it won't come. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (ironic). Frightfully amusing. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. (A thought strikes her, and her 
 eyes dart at him over the handkerchief.) Nunkie he 
 hasn't left me anything ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No ! Oh no not directly. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (with delicious craft. A mid hope). 
 Indirectly ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (cautiously). Well er 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (pushing across to him). Have 
 another cup of tea, dear ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No, thanks. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. A cigar ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No ! 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Er er would you like a wash 
 . . . after your journey 1 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No ! no ! no ! (Irritably.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (soothing him and squatting on bench). 
 It's all right it's all right, but do get on with it. Did 
 he leave very much indirectly ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. He died enormously wealthy. And his 
 will discloses a very high regard for you. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Ah ! (simper ingly). Mind you, 
 Nunkie, I always thought him a delightful man. And 
 I'm rather sorry, of course, that but you know how 
 things won't happen sometimes, don't you ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I know how you won't let things happen. 
 Your wilfulness, your your downright disregard of 
 your own interests, your er indiscretions, your your 
 (bursting) you know you can't go on playing fast and 
 loose with Providence. Providence won't have it he'll 
 kick. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (with a clever little pout, sidling up 
 to him). You know you love me. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Love you I'm downright afraid of you
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 23 
 
 I mean afraid of what you'll do. That's why I didn't 
 dare write about this business. I positively didn't dare. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (scared). Didn't dare ! (Wildly 
 thinking.) What is it ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Sit down. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (sitting in a flash). Start from the 
 very beginning I promise not to interrupt. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (pompously). It turns out Mr. Winkley 
 was one of the wealthiest men in Toronto. He was 
 never married, never even expressed a desire to marry 
 until he had the misfortune to meet you. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Misfortune ! 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, there are people who think your 
 repeated refusals hastened his collapse. Why you didn't 
 marry him and become the mistress of three-quarters of 
 a million, Heaven only knows. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (in the highest register). Three- 
 quarters of a million ! Dollars ! 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Pounds! (She howls foolingly.) I should 
 imagine that nice clean healthy old gentlemen of sixty- 
 one or two . . . (He is preening his own feathers at 
 the idea of it) with three-quarters of a million do not 
 grow on apple trees. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. They do not, and he's really dead ? 
 positively ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. He is emphatically dead. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Who who who gets it ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. His money ? He's left it in trust to 
 his only nephew (papers from his pocket and pince-nez 
 on nose) a Mr. Fergus Wimbush, the son of his only 
 sister, who also has two daughters living, but for some 
 reason or other they're not even mentioned in the will. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (weakly). And I'm not even men- 
 tioned ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I'm coming to that in due course, I 
 repeat the whole estate is left to his said nephew, Fergus 
 Wimbush on condition that the said Fergus Wimbush 
 succeeds where he the testator failed, and marries 
 you. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (a scream). What !
 
 24 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (ignoring the interruption as he turns over 
 his papers). Marries you. And upon such marriage 
 if it takes place, one half his entire estate becomes your 
 sole and absolute property, (closing his papers) the neatest 
 and the most delicate bit of revenge I ever heard of. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (bewildered). I don't understand. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (pompously rising and meandering). It 
 seems extremely simple to me. Here we have an elderly 
 gentleman who falls violently in love at a very dangerous 
 age. The lady laughs at hi" 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (interrupting). No, Nunkie, not 
 laughs. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. the lady laughs at his advances we 
 will not bandy words. Death comes as it comes to 
 all of us. He must leave his wealth to somebody or 
 something, and he conceives a a vindictive scheme 
 if you like to put it so . . . a vindictive scheme 
 whereby he can show how much he admired the lady and 
 how much he can punish her at the same time. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (viciously). And so I'm bargained 
 for and sold like a like a dead duck. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (holding up his hands to stay her). If 
 the said marriage does not take place within a specified 
 time twelve months, I fancy the said nephew receives 
 a beggarly ten thousand pounds, and the rest of it goes 
 to the establishment of some ridiculous charitable trust 
 in Toronto. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Good Lord ! (Rising.) And do you 
 think I'm going to ... 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No ! (It is a positive shout and stops her.) 
 I do not think you're capable of doing anything sane. 
 That's why I came down in person instead of being 
 drawn into interminable correspondence. But perfectly 
 understand this, my dear Leila, if you can't bend your 
 stupid dignity to the dictates of the gods, I shall much 
 as I love you as an uncle by marriage I shall wash 
 my hands of you and renounce my trusteeship. (With 
 the emphasis of finality, taking out his watch.) I've 
 finished. What's the next train back to London ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You dare 1 You you Augh !
 
 THE MAN FF.OM TORONTO. 28 
 
 Do you think I'm going to marry any man just because 
 an old idiot, a a a cross-grained old wretch thinks 
 he can compel me to marry. Oho ! You don't know 
 me. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (wildly). But I do know you, and nothin, 
 will astound me more if this thing comes off. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Aha ! Thank you for that, my 
 dear Nunkie, thank you ! (She fumes, and there w a 
 pause for breath.) What's my income at the present 
 moment ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Roughly, five hundred and fifty pounds 
 a year. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Well, I can live respectably on 
 that, can't I ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. But you don't, you invariably spend 
 seven, and the balance comes out of my pocket, and 
 frankly you're not cheap at the price. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You you disgusting old man. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Yes, I know. I know, but I should be 
 infinitely more disgusting if I permitted it to continue* 
 From this moment, my dear, not an extra penny, and 
 from now I deduct ten pounds a quarter towards the 
 repayment of what you already owe me. 
 
 (And he pretends to mean it, by cleverly buttoning his 
 
 coat restlessly in finality. She is bamboozled by hit 
 
 astuteness, and is visibly uneasy. She tries another 
 
 tack.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (after a long reait, then very menac- 
 ingly). Fergus what ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Wimbush. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (making a horrid grimace). What a 
 name Wim-bush I What's he like ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (elated). A h ! (Joyously going to her 
 and clutching her shoulders.) That's more like it that's 
 sensible (pal) he's a very charming fellow. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Then you've seen him ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Certainly. He came to my office on 
 Tuesday with his credentials, and an introduction from 
 the estate lawyers.
 
 26 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (craftily concerned). Really charm- 
 ing ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Excessively so to me. But I don't 
 want to deceive you, he's no more tickled with the 
 condition than you are. He hadn't met his uncle for 
 years, and unless I'm very much mistaken you'll have 
 to do a little manoeuvring if it's to come off. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (wildly again). I won't do anything 
 of the kind. Damn Mr. Wimbush, and all that belongs 
 to him. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (shocked). h ! I've never heard such 
 language. (He groans as he paces to and fro, his patience 
 quite exhausted. As if he suddenly made up his mind, 
 he darts to door and opens it and flings his parting shot 
 at her.) Good afternoon ! 
 
 (Exit PRIESTLEY.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Nunkie ! (Flying after him.) 
 Nunkie ! 
 (She re-appears pulling him in by the sleeve. She shuts 
 
 the door firmly, releases him and nervously fiddles with 
 
 her conscience.) 
 I ought at least to see him, you think ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. That's precisely what I do think, I've 
 brought him with me. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (alarmed). Brought him ! Where ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. He's waiting for me to report progress, 
 at the Station Hotel. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (with genuine agitation). You know 
 this isn't kind of you, Nunkie ; you ought to have pre- 
 pared me given me a chance to think it over. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Not me. Give either of you a chance 
 to think it over, and the whole business falls to pieces. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Then what do you want me to 
 do? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. To allow him to call now. My cab's 
 waiting outside. I shall simply send him back in it. 
 Meet him without any concern whatever put on one 
 of your most bewitching smiles, and just let things 
 happen. (Slyly.) I'll tell him you invite him to stay
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 27 
 
 a day or two. (Her eyes open very wide.) Young Gil- 
 mour is still with you ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Yes. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Then you can go for a nice little walk 
 together over the sands, dine together, chat together, 
 laugh together, and if you can't make up your minds 
 about such a trivial thing as 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Trivial ! (Getting on the danger 
 line again.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I mean such a trivial thing as marriage. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (flaring up). Marriage trivial! 
 you've never tried it, my friend. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. That's exactly why I never did. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (beside herself). Ough ! (She dashes 
 across the room, roughly flinging a chair out of her way, 
 curbs herself and turns.) It isn't decent. No nice 
 woman would allow it. I ought to have had a look 
 at him first. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, you will have a look at him first, 
 won't you ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Now, Nunkie, you'd better go. 
 We shall never agree about it. If you care to ask Mr. 
 Wim . . . Wim what ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. No. . . . No, Bush Wimbush. (Spells 
 it.) W-I-M-B-U-S-H. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Well, if you care to ask Mr. Wim- 
 bush to call and take a cup of tea with me I suppose 
 he may. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (vrith rare guile). And he may bring his 
 luggage. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You've planned it all, have you, 
 including the luggage ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (naively). I've done my best. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (weakly). Very well. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (anxious to le off, watch out). I shall make 
 no report whatever, simply pack him into the cab, and 
 return to London at once. Is there a likely train ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. The 4.40. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (snapping his watch). Nicely. (He is at 
 door and stays his going.) Leila !
 
 28 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 (She doesn't answer. She & looking with anxious eyes 
 into the fire. He smiles and crosses, lays his hand on 
 her shoulder) 
 
 Good luck, my dear. 
 
 (She doesn't move.) 
 
 (Exit PRIESTLEY, his gaze lingering smilingly across at 
 her as the door closes.) 
 
 (BOBBY'S voice is heard along the beach spluttering out 
 some absurd ditty about the briny deep. He appears 
 at casement, his rod and fishing creel over his shoulder. 
 He sees MRS. CALTHORPE still looking into the fireplace. 
 He comes in, waits, then naively peeps to try and get 
 a side view of her face. Concludes she's got the hump, 
 so gives another couple of bars of the briny deep as he 
 dabs his fishing basket on chair c., opens it and fools 
 the action.) 
 
 ROBERT. Cod is of!. (Diving into the depths.) 
 There also seems to be a shocking dearth of soles in 
 the ocean, and as for halibut I don't believe there's 
 a blessed one left unless this is a halibut. . . . (He 
 holds up a mighty thing about the size of his hand and 
 examines the specimen.) Is it a halibut ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (furious). You've got your beastly 
 fishing basket on my chair. 
 
 ROBERT (unperturbed). Is it a halibut ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (all on edge). There's no time to 
 fool. He'll be here in fifteen minutes. I want you to 
 make yourself presentable ; at any rate, make yourself 
 clean a great deal depends on first impressions, and 
 I'm all on edge. (To and fro restlessly.) 
 
 ROBERT (vacuously). I don't a bit know what you're 
 talking about. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (a hand to her weary head). Of course 
 you don't. I'm going to be married. 
 
 (ROBERT can't even gasp, he simply stares.) 
 
 Well I think I am. Mr. Priestley says I ought to be 
 married, and I suppose he knows. Not much use having
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 29 
 
 a solicitor if you don't allow him to know something. 
 
 ROBERT (looking round for inspiration, then giving it 
 up). No ! No 1 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (roughly at him as if he were the 
 criminal). But I think I ought to have seen him first 
 without him knowing who I was. 
 
 ROBERT (quite blank but still heroic). Yes ! Yes ! 
 Certainly. So do I. I I agree with you completely. 
 
 (She grunts and goes off on another promenading expedition 
 thinking wildly.) 
 
 (desperately). L say, Leila 1 What's the wheeze ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. That funny old person in Toronto 
 has been and died and left a huge fortune to somebody 
 or other on condition that he succeeds in making me 
 marry him. Priestley says he's a charming man, that 
 means he's a Scotch-Canadian with freckles and an 
 American accent. Can you imagine me married 
 to an American accent ? 
 
 ROBERT (emphatically). I can't imagine an American 
 accent married to you. No ! 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Well, it'll be here in thirteen 
 minutes. Did you ever hear of such a ridiculous situa- 
 tion in your life. (Off again.) 
 
 ROBERT (vacuously). Well truthfully I don't see 
 what the situation is. I suppose Priestley knows, but 
 ii this is one of Priestley's little jobs he ought to have 
 arranged things without all this hustle. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Of course ! It isn't fair. I'm 
 feeling a delicious ass already. What on earth can I 
 say to the man ? 
 
 ROBERT (not understanding a bit). The man 1 (Then 
 he grasps it.) Oh, I see the man. Oh ! he's coming, 
 is he ? Well, I should er I should put on a sublime 
 air of indifference as if the whole thing was merely 
 boring. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (in highest register). Yes but he's 
 not keen about it either. 
 
 ROBERT. h ! he's not then you'd better toss 
 for it, sudden death, heads you do and tails you don't.
 
 30 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 MKS. CALTHORPE (furious). Don't be funny. This 
 isn't a music hall entertainment. It's a bit of real life. 
 
 ROBERT. Then it's very simple. You lay down and 
 let Destiny roll you out like a slab of dough. That's 
 what always happens in real life. 
 
 MBS. CALTHORPE (firmly). But it will not happen to 
 me. I decline to meet him. (Slie has heroically rung 
 the bell.) You can offer him tea in my absence. Express 
 my apologies, say I was called away unexpectedly and 
 will not return for some time. If Mr. Wimbush wishes 
 to approach me, he's not going to find me waiting on 
 the mat to receive him. (And she dashes up and down.) 
 
 ROBERT (philosophically). I should think not indeed. 
 Of course looking at it from the sober side, it isn't a 
 bad notion to get a bit of ready money into the family, 
 somehow. The whole lot of us at present are living 
 on the interest of what we owe, and it can't go on. 
 There's going to be a deuce of a bust somewhere. 
 
 (Enter MARTHA.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Take the tray and serve tea again. 
 A gentleman will be calling in a few moments Mrs. 
 Calthorpe has been called away by telegraph. Ask him 
 in and Mr. Bob will see him. 
 
 MARTHA. Yes, ma'am. (Turns away with tray.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You understand. Martha I am 
 not in the house. 
 
 MARTHA. Quite so, ma'am. 
 
 (Exit MARTHA.) 
 
 ROBERT (with a giggle). I say, this is rather neat, I 
 like it immensely. It'll warm him up. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. It will give him the notion that 
 Mrs. Calthorpe is not a cheap line from the Bargain 
 Basement. 
 
 ROBERT (enjoying it). Aha ! Good. We'll show 
 him. You know he'll be frightfully cocky and I shall 
 just I say, suppose I give him to understand he's a 
 rotten intruder. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (hedging). Well er I think you'd
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 31 
 
 better see what sort of chap he is first. Of course you 
 know nothing about the object of his visit. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh I ... then I can pull his leg from the 
 start. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (still more dubious about it). 1 
 don't think there's any necessity for you to pull his 
 leg. I rather want you to to see the line of country. 
 I'll do the leg-pulling myself but if 
 
 (MARTHA re-enters. A wild notion seizes MRS. CALTHORPE. 
 She looks at the girl wildly a moment, and mutters 
 " Martha " the notion fructifies.) 
 
 Wait a minute wait a minute. I've got it. Martha, 
 I'm going to your bedroom. 
 
 (Exit MRS. CALTHORPE majestically.) 
 
 MARTHA (scared). What's up with the Mistress, Mr. 
 Bob ? I've never seen her so excited. She's going to 
 my bedroom, she said. 
 
 ROBERT (in sheer devilry). She caught me kissing 
 you just now. 
 
 (MARTHA'S face blanches in absolute horror and distress.) 
 
 MARTHA (intensely agitated). Then she's gone to 
 search me box. (In distress.) Oh Mr. Bob Mr. Bob ! 
 (She drops her face into her liandkerchief and weeps.) 
 
 ROBERT. Chuck it, you little idiot. She's done 
 nothing of the kind. , 
 
 MARTHA (more distress). Yes she has. (She turns 
 her back on him.) I wouldn't have had it happen for 
 the world. (Sobs.) What will she think of me now ! 
 
 ROBERT. She thinks you're a jolly decent girl and 
 that I'm an ass. 
 
 MARTHA (shaking her head between her sobs). No she 
 doesn't. 
 
 ROBERT (roughly). I tell you she does. 
 
 (A bigger gurgle from the GIRL.) 
 
 Shut up. There's a bit of a spree on. You'll know all 
 about it presently.
 
 32 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 MARTHA. Oo-oo-oo ! ! Oo-oo-oo ! ! ! 
 
 ROBERT (shouting). Shut up. (Desperately trying to 
 talk down the girl's blubbering.) Don't you understand 
 there's something in the wind, oh shur-r-r-r up or 
 you'll get blown overboard the fact is 
 
 MARTHA. Oo-oo-oo ! Oo-oo-oo ! ! 
 
 ROBERT (desperate). Will you shut up. (She 
 doesn't. He screams.) Go away ! Go and bathe 
 your temples ; put a cold key down your back or some- 
 thing. 
 
 MARTHA (sniggering). She didn't see you kiss me ? 
 
 ROBERT (bluffing her). Of course not she can't see 
 through brick walls, can she. Didn't you let her in ? 
 
 MARTHA. Then what did you want to frighten me 
 for ? Give me quite a turn. 
 
 ROBERT. Aha ! (Joyously and innocently squeezes 
 her arm.) 
 
 MARTHA (putting her arm away viciously). Behave 
 yourself. 
 
 (He laughingly withdraws.) 
 
 You'll get into trouble one of these days. (Crosses to 
 sweep up the grate, her eye catches MRS. HUBBARD'S 
 photograph on mantelpiece.) You ought to spend a 
 month with Mrs. 'Ubbard, she'd take yer tail down 
 for you. (Comes across, stops puzzled.) What's she 
 gone into my bedroom for, I wonder ! 
 
 ROBERT (incorrigible). She probably suspects things, 
 Martha. 
 
 MARTHA (bewildered). What things. . . . (Pause.) 
 What d'yer mean ? 
 
 ROBERT (tantalizingly). I don't know, Martha. I 
 don't know. I'm not a family man. She's not likely 
 to tell me what she suspects. 
 
 (MARTHA stares him out with a scornful lip, then turns to 
 exit as MRS. CALTHORPE darts excitedly in, slams the 
 door shut and stands revealed in cap and apron as a 
 bewitching parlourmaid.) 
 
 MARTHA (open-eyed and open-mouthed.) Ma'am 1
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 33 
 
 ROBERT. Leila ! 
 
 MBS. CALTHORPE (darting round). Do me up. 
 
 (ROBERT and MARTHA rush joyously to the rescue, MARTHA 
 half a length ahead. She repels him with a look of 
 triumphant disgust, and proceeds to fasten dress and the 
 ends of the apron turnover to ROBERT'S great interest 
 and amusement. The operation may befooled a little.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (swishing round again in the highest 
 spirits). Well ! What do you think of me ? 
 
 MARTHA (frightfully bucked). You're lovely, ma'am. 
 
 ROBERT. You're simply IT. But what's the game ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (to both of them). I'm the parlour- 
 maid. You understand, Martha, Mrs. Calthorpe is 
 away from home. I'm er Perkins. 
 
 MARTHA. And what am I, ma'am ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You're just yourself. Now run 
 away, I'll tell you more later. But remember I'm 
 Perkins Perkins Perkins, and parlourmaids always 
 answer the front door. 
 
 (Exit MARTHA.) 
 (MRS. CALTHORPE darts to glass and surveys herself. 
 
 (Turning joyously.) Bobby, what about this apple 
 (her finger on her cheek) before breakfast. 
 
 (With a joyous cry BOBBY makes straight for the apple 
 She frowns him off.) 
 
 Keep off keep off I've got to write a letter. (Then 
 she darts to her writing table and sits and gathers writing 
 paper, writes frantically and reads as she writes.) 
 
 DEAR MR. WIMBUSH, 
 
 Mr. Priestley has been here and I hoped to have 
 received you, but an imperative call by telegram to an 
 old friend in great distress, 
 
 (She flings in a saucy " Ahem ! " which ROBERT as saucily 
 answers with another.) 
 
 in great distress, necessitates my instant departure, 
 and I shall be away for two or three days. My cousin 
 
 c
 
 34 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 Robert is staying here on a visit, and my parlourmaid, 
 Perkins, a very discreet and reliable person 
 
 (She turns half a head.) How's that ? 
 
 ROBERT (munching bread and butter). Qnite juicy. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. A very discreet and reli- 
 able person, will make you very comfortable if you 
 can stay until my return. You will find Bobby quite a 
 harmless lunatic, Yours . . . Yours what ? 
 
 ROBERT. Why not " your affectionate and loving 
 wife," and get it over. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (ignoring the suggestion). Yours 
 truly no, sincerely. (Signs it, addresses envelope, sticks 
 it.) Now I think you can see what I'm up to. 
 
 ROBERT (a little nettled). The harmless lunatic can't 
 see an inch of it. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. Then you'd better go and finish 
 your fishing. You're in the way. 
 
 ROBERT. I thank you. I'm like the utility man in 
 a modern comedy whenever the conversation drags 
 I'm lugged in to say funny things and do 'em. When- 
 ever anything exciting is coming on, it's always " Exit 
 Robert casement." 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You needn't feel ratty about it. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh, bless you, I like it. I'd rather fish 
 than watch you fish. (Picks up rod and basket.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (cleverly). Bobby I'm trusting to 
 you not to give me away. 
 
 ROBERT (loftily). And if he asks any inquisitive 
 questions ? 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. You can just talk about the sea 
 or anything. 
 
 ROBERT. Well, the sea's the sea and he can see it's 
 the sea. 
 
 (A loud ring at the bell. Both pulled up. She rather 
 scared. He turns swiftly and foolingly and peeps round 
 casement.) 
 
 (sotto voce excitedly). Here he is. (Looks.) I say, he's a 
 complete knut. Come and have a look.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 35 
 
 MRS. CALTHOEPE (darting up and getting a peep). 
 Ough ! Go on ofi with you. 
 
 (She pushes him out and he turns to the left. She darts 
 again to mirror and touches her cap to her satisfaction, 
 then shefoolingly and excitedly patters across and out.) 
 
 (Chatter is heard in the hall then she reappears escorting 
 FERGUS WIMBUSH, and from this moment the personality 
 of the adorable MRS. CALTHORPE is hidden in the per- 
 sonality of the bewitching PERKINS.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (as PERKINS). May I take your hat, 
 sir? 
 
 (He hands his hat and gloves.) 
 Mrs. Calthorpe has left a note for you. 
 
 (She hands it on a small salver. He is going to take the 
 salver.) 
 
 No, you just take the note, sir. 
 
 (He does with a grin and PERKINS goes out. He opens 
 letter and reads as PERKINS re-enters.) 
 
 FERGUS. This is most unfortunate. (Another glance 
 at letter.) I understood Mrs. Calthorpe was at home. 
 
 PERKINS. She was frightfully upset about missing 
 you, sir she's only been gone a few minutes. 
 
 FERGUS (hipped). Ergh ! Can't quite get the hang 
 of things. (Reads again.) Well, it can't be helped, can 
 it? 
 
 PERKINS. I'm afraid not, sir. 
 
 (He takes notice of the GIRL and is not ill-pleased.) 
 
 FERGUS. I guess you're Perkins. 
 PERKINS. Yes, sir. 
 FERGUS. Perkins, what ? 
 
 PERKINS (a little scared). Perkins is my Christian 
 name. 
 
 FERGUS. And what's your other name ? 
 PERKINS, (simperingly). Erer Polly. 
 FERGUS (venturing a grin). Polly Perkins 1 Well,
 
 36 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 I've been in England four days, and the most attractive 
 things I've seen yet are its Follies. 
 
 He ventures a comprehensive grin, but she puts on a 
 most dignified air, sufficient to repel an Emperor. It 
 freezes him off.) 
 
 I suppose you know what Mrs. Calthorpe says in her note. 
 
 PERKINS. She read it over tome. I'm having your 
 room prepared, sir. Will you take tea ? Mr. Robert, 
 I'm afraid, won't be in just yet. 
 
 FERGUS. Well, I don't know my errand really is 
 rather an unusual one. 
 
 PERKINS. My mistress hinted as much, sir. 
 
 FERGUS. Did she, then you may give me a cup of 
 tea on condition that I may smoke a pipe and change 
 my coat. 
 
 PERKINS. Certainly. 
 
 FERGUS. Reckon a man's permitted to be comfort- 
 able in these parts. 
 
 (PERKINS smiles largely and rings the bell.) 
 
 FERGUS (lugging off his coat without hesitation). The 
 fact of it is, Perkins, I've got myself up for the occasion, 
 and I'm just frightfully uncomfortable. Tell me why 
 do Englishmen have creases down the legs of their 
 trousers ? (He contemplates his creases demurely.) 
 
 PERKINS. I'm afraid I hardly know. I've often 
 wondered myself. 
 
 FERGUS. Does your young man wear creases ? 
 
 PERKINS. I haven't got a young man yet, sir. 
 
 FERGUS. Then you'd better come right back to 
 Canada with me. You'd have fifty within five minutes. 
 
 (Enter MARTHA with teapot.) 
 Hullo ! Here's another. 
 
 (MARTHA gives him the frozen eye.) 
 
 What's your name ? 
 MARTHA (pertly). Martha, sir. 
 FERGUS. Have you got a young man \
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 37 
 
 MARTHA (sourly). A young man, sir ! (She annoy- 
 ingly looks at PERKINS for an answer.) 
 
 PERKINS (laughing). Martha doesn't believe in them 
 any more than I do. Do you, Martha ? 
 
 MARTHA (looks freezingly at FERGUS). Not much. 
 
 FERGUS. Good heavens ! no wonder the old country's 
 going to the dogs. This thing'll have to be looked into. 
 Now, which of you's going to get my coat ? 
 
 PERKINS. Martha ! 
 
 FERGUS (giving her the coat just taken off). In my 
 grip you'll find an old brown jacket very much the 
 worse for wear and a large tin of tobacco, I want that 
 too. 
 
 MARTHA. Yes, sir. 
 
 (Exit MARTHA.) 
 
 PERKINS (at table). Milk and sugar, Mr. Wim- 
 bush? 
 
 FERGUS. Neither. I've lived in a spot where both 
 are difficult to get, and I've learned to do without them. 
 
 PERKINS. One of the most difficult things in the 
 world I've heard Mrs. Calthorpe say. 
 
 FERGUS. What is ? 
 
 PERKINS (handing him the cup). Learning to do 
 without things. 
 
 FERGUS (the cup poised in the air, looking across it at 
 her). By Jove, you're right, Perkins. Now that never 
 struck me, and yet it's jolly easy to do without when 
 you know the trick. (With enthusiasm.) That's why a 
 chap who hasn't got things and doesn't want 'em, can 
 generally double up the fellow who does. Guess you 
 do a bit of philosophizing in your slack time, Miss 
 Perkins. (And he carefully pours his tea into his saucer 
 and then remembers and looks silly.) Say, I oughtn't to 
 have done that, ought I ? 
 
 PERKINS (curbing her smile). What, sir ? 
 
 FERGUS. Poured tea into the saucer. 
 
 PERKINS. Why not, sir ? 
 
 FERGUS. It doesn't go with the creases down the 
 trousers.
 
 38 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 (PERKINS cannot refrain from laughing, and he laughs 
 because she does.) 
 
 PERKINS. I don't know why you shouldn't. We 
 probably began by drinking out of shells. 
 
 FERGUS. Bully for you, so we did. (He drinks out 
 of the saucer.) Aren't you going to have any ? 
 
 PERKINS. In England, the domestics usually take 
 their tea in the kitchen. 
 
 FERGUS. Then to-morrow I'll take mine in the same 
 place. 
 
 (Enter MARTHA with coat and tobacco tin. PERKINS takes 
 them from her and MARTHA goes out.) 
 
 (FERGUS has finished his tea-drinking from the cup, 
 lays it down, and PERKINS holds the coat to his arms.) 
 
 FERGUS. Ah ! that's better ! (She gives him his 
 tobacco and he retreats to the bench, holds the tin between 
 his knees and proceeds to load his pipe. Chucking his 
 head in the direction of the sea.) What's your particular 
 part of the ocean outside ? 
 
 PERKINS (contemplating him serenely). The English 
 Channel. 
 
 FERGUS. Where's all yer shipping ? 
 
 PERKINS. Oh, that's out at sea. 
 
 FERGUS. At sea, is it ? (Chuckles, strikes his match.) 
 I guess that's where all our hopes and ambitions are. 
 
 PERKINS (naively). Are all your hopes and ambitions 
 at sea, Mr. Wimbush ? 
 
 FERGUS (flinging his match into the fire). Well, just 
 at present, they're not exactly visible; maybe they're 
 shipwrecked. That's why I've come down to Teign- 
 mouth. 
 
 PERKINS. To see if by any chance they've been 
 washed ashore. 
 
 FERGUS (hugely tickled). Bully again. (Rising and 
 looking amusedly at her.) I say, what in darnation is a 
 natty little woman like you cleaning out parlours for, 
 and and fidgeting over all this mighty tomfoolery.
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 39 
 
 (He indicates the furniture.) You haven't got the face 
 of a parlourmaid. 
 
 PERKINS. Don't you think I have ? 
 
 FERGUS. Not a bit of it. You ought to come out 
 to Canada. Canada wants you. 
 
 PERKINS. Why, sir ? 
 
 FERGUS. Because it's the land of big things. Big 
 thoughts, big hopes, big deeds. 
 
 PERKINS (very slowly, very meaningly). What are 
 big hopes and big deeds to me ? 
 
 FERGUS. They're in your blood. Anybody can see 
 that with half an eye. 
 
 PERKINS (with suppressed excitement). Have you 
 seen it with half an eye ? 
 
 FERGUS. Gee ! I could see it with both eyes shut. 
 
 (With a loud laugh she passes him and goes up to the 
 casement. She looks this way and that and excitedly 
 trills a few bars of something. He watches her.) 
 
 Say, Perkins ? 
 
 PERKINS (coming down with her eyes ablaze and 
 pluckily standing up to him). Yes, sir ! 
 
 FERGUS (confidentially). What sort of a woman is 
 this Mrs. Calthorpe, anyway ? Honest Injun. 
 
 PEBKINS (her face blanches). She's a very charm- 
 ing mistress. And er (she laughs) I er I think 
 she's all right. 
 
 FERGUS. What's she like ? 
 
 PERKINS (scared). Like ! Well she's about my 
 height and figure if I may say so. 
 
 FERGUS. Pretty ? 
 
 PERKINS (with delicious artlessness). Er er per- 
 haps you'd hardly call her pretty, but she conies out 
 all right in a photograph. 
 
 FERGUS (eagerly). Show me one. 
 
 (The little minx is caught, but after a moment's suppressed 
 horror she battles with the situation.) 
 
 PERKINS. A photograph ! 
 
 FERGUS. That's what I said a photograph !
 
 40 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ( A bright idea seems to get her. Very slowly her eyes turn 
 to the photograph of MKS. HUBBARD on mantelpiece. 
 She shudders , then desperately lifts it down and swing ng 
 round holds it to his grip and walks quickly out. Exit 
 PERKINS as FERGUS watches the extt. He laughs and 
 turns to photograph. A look of horror engulfs him. 
 He sinks on chair c.) 
 
 FERGUS. Holy Gee 1 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN.
 
 ACT n 
 
 The SCENE is the same as that of the previous Act, and the 
 time three days later. On the table are several bowls 
 and vases of faded flowers, and a large basket of fresh 
 flowers ready to be arranged. 
 
 (Upon the rise of the Curtain PERKINS, in a dainty new 
 
 black dress, is attending to the flowers.) 
 
 (E..ter ROBERT from casement.) 
 
 ROBERT. I say, you do look topping, Leila. What 
 makes a woman so deliciously fresh in a cap and apron ? 
 
 PERKINS. A delicate taste in " skivvies," my son. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh dry up about it. 
 
 PERKINS. What have you done with the Scotch- 
 Canadian ? 
 
 ROBERT. He's lying flat on his back on the beach 
 humming a most ungodly tune and looking as if he'd 
 lost a 3 to 1 chance of Heaven. (He digs a cigarette 
 out of the tin.) If something doesn't happen quick 
 there will be a big break somewhere. I can feel it in 
 the air. He's just informed me that Mrs. Calthorpe 
 finds it impossible to leave the bedside of her poor old 
 friend for another week. Do you imagine I'm going 
 to keep up this silly pantomime for another week ? 
 What are you working up to ? How are you going to 
 get out of it ? 
 
 PERKINS. I'm not in it yet. 
 
 ROBERT. But but but what's the game ? Are 
 you trying to mesmerize him as Perkins or what ? 
 
 PERKINS (very pointedly). What ? 
 
 ROBERT (an answering burst of energy). Well, I'm 
 off home to-morrow. 
 
 PERKINS (emphatically). You're not. You are not 
 going to leave. this house until he does. 
 41
 
 42 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ROBERT. That won't be long. 
 
 PERKINS. It'll be as long as I choose to make it. 
 
 ROBERT (quite ratty). You don't suppose he'll keep 
 skidding about just because there's an extremely fetching 
 parlourmaid buzzing around ? I think you've overdone 
 it. You've been and cooked the goose that lays the 
 
 (FERGUS comes into view and PERKINS spots him.) 
 PERKINS (warningly). A-hem ! 
 
 (ROBERT spots him.) 
 
 ROBERT (off at a tangent, roughly). Well, just you 
 understand, Perkins, I do not like my eggs hard-boiled. 
 I've said so before and I don't intend to say so again. 
 
 (FERGUS has entered and heard the complaint.) 
 
 FERGUS (manfutty). If I were Perkins, I should send 
 you and your boiled eggs to Honduras. 
 
 (PERKINS chuckles with delight and hides it.) 
 
 ROBERT. Oh, you call it Honduras, do you ? In 
 polite society we call it Halifax. 
 
 PERKINS (very hurt, getting one in). Mr. Robert 
 thinks that because the Mistress is away he can be 
 as rude as he pleases. 
 
 FERGUS. Well, he won't think it while I'm his 
 fellow-guest. 
 
 PERKINS (making a grimace at ROBERT behind FERGUS' 
 back). Ergh I 
 
 ROBERT (leaning saucily towards FERGUS). Look here, 
 Fergie, you've got the hump. There's a sou'-west breeze. 
 Let's run down to Seaton and trust to luck to get back. 
 
 FERGUS. No, I don't care about it. I've got a 
 message for Perkins. (Producing a letter from his jacket 
 pocket.) 
 
 PERKINS. For me ? (Feigning surprise.) 
 
 FERGUS. From your mistress. (Reads navody.) 
 " Tell Perkins to be sure and see that twill sheets are 
 used for your bed if you do not care about linen ones." 
 
 ROBERT (tickled). What ?
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 43 
 
 (PERKINS, with delightful inconsequence, seems to be 
 staring in blank surprise at the letter.) 
 
 FERGUS (handing it over). There's nothing private. 
 
 PERKINS (mumbling as she pretends to read the letter). 
 Another week. (Pretending surprise.) Not coming 
 back for another week. (A sly look at FERGUS.) Yes ! 
 Twill sheets if you do not care for linen ones. 
 
 EGBERT. Just the sort of thing a dear homely old 
 soul like my cousin Leila would think of. 
 
 FERGUS. As if I knew the difference between linen 
 sheets and twill ones. What is the difference, Perkins ? 
 
 PERKINS. Well er twill of course is cotton and 
 er linen is er er linen. 
 
 ( 4 look of utter blankness exchanged between the two MEN.) 
 
 EGBERT (meditatively). Twill is cotton, and linen 
 is linen. (To FERGUS.) I shouldn't have thought that, 
 would you, Fergie ? 
 
 FERGUS. I wonder what I slept on last night ? 
 
 PERKINS. I think you slept on a twill one and under 
 a linen one, but I'll ask Martha. (Towards door, but a 
 roar of laughter from the incorrigible EGBERT arrests her, 
 and she turns angrily to him.) You're very funny this 
 morning, Mr. Eobert, aren't you ? 
 
 (Exit PERKINS swiftly with a sniff of derision at EGBERT.) 
 
 EGBERT. Well, you won't come for a sail ? 
 
 FERGUS. No, thanks. 
 
 EGBERT. Will you fish ? 
 
 FERGUS. Notr this morning. 
 
 EGBERT. Golf ? 
 
 FERGUS (roar). N o ! 
 
 EGBERT (looking at him, pained). Poor devil ! 
 
 (Exit 'Rowsx.T casement, but he bobs back again.) 
 
 What about a walk along the shore to Paignton ? Sixteen 
 miles. 
 PERGUS (irritably). I don't want to walk 1 
 
 (EGBERT turns up once more, stops.)
 
 44 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ROBERT (in a piping little voice). You'll be sorry for 
 it. (A wait, then alluringly.) Coming ? 
 
 FERGUS (beside himself). Oh go away ! 
 
 ROBERT. Very well I go. But I tell you, Fergie 
 as an old campaigner, you're an ass. 
 
 (Exit ROBERT casement as PERKINS returns door.) 
 
 PERKINS. Yes, the top sheet was a linen one, sir. 
 
 FERGUS. Well, it doesn't matter in the least, because 
 I always sleep between blankets. 
 
 PERKINS (aghast). Then what becomes of our sheets ? 
 
 FERGUS. I roll 'em into a ball and throw 'em under 
 the bed. 
 
 (A roar of laughter from the beach. Quite furious PERKINS 
 dashes up to casement.) 
 
 ROBERT (in the middle distance). It's all right. I 
 was only wondering what he does with the quilt. 
 (Another long laugh.) 
 
 (She comes slowly back and stands mute a moment watching 
 the dejected man on the bench pulling at his pipe.) 
 
 PERKINS. You're not looking very festive, Mr- 
 Wimbush. Perhaps Devonshire doesn't agree with you. 
 
 FERGUS. Oh, Devonshire's all right, Perkins, but 
 I haven't quite sized up what Teignmouth means to me. 
 
 PERKINS (fogged). What Teignmouth means ? 
 
 FERGUS (smoking and nodding, then significantly as 
 he keeps his eyes on her). It's a tragedy ! 
 
 PERKINS. No ! 
 
 FERGUS. Y-e-s. If your mistress hadn't been gad- 
 ding about an Atlantic liner getting poor old defenceless 
 gentlemen to fall in love with her, I should be a million- 
 aire multiplied four times. 
 
 PERKINS (pretending to be astonished). You would 
 be ? 
 
 FERGUS (nodding gloomily). My Uncle Ben wanted 
 another peep at the old country before lie died. He 
 met this ! (He takes down photograph.) He told me 
 *he was the most wonderful woman he'd ever struck.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 45 
 
 (Holding the photo naively an inch nearer to her gaze.) 
 This was ! Guess his optic nerve had got infantile 
 paralysis or something ! Twice he imp ored her to 
 marry him, and she had the damned impertinence to 
 refuse. It so cut up the poor old boy that he caught 
 
 a chill, and (He stops and looks up, the light of a 
 
 great understanding in his eye.) A h ! I see ! That's 
 why the old serpent wants me to sleep in twill 
 sheets. She's afraid I might catch a chill I 
 
 (PERKINS has difficulty to hide her amusement.) 
 
 Get the point ! She didn't know how rich he was, but 
 she knows now, Priestley came down on Tuesday and 
 told her all about it. (Throwing back the portrait and 
 warming up to it.) This going away is a lay off. She 
 wants me to think what a dear kind creature she is 
 before I see her face. (Fiercely.) She funks it ! 
 Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! (His laughter exhausted, he confronts 
 PERKINS in finality.) Look here now, Perkins I just 
 want you to be honest with me. If you were a strong, 
 healthy chap, to whom money, as money, never had 
 much attraction, would you marry a woman like that ? 
 
 PERKINS (frankly.) If she didn't appeal to me no. 
 
 FERGUS (elated). You would not ! 
 
 PERKINS. No ! There isn't enough money in the 
 world to induce me to marry anybody I didn't want to. 
 
 FERGUS (joyously bucked). That settles it. I won't. 
 (With fervour.) When I marry it'll be a woman. That's 
 the only thing we ask for in Canada. It doesn't matter 
 if she's a duchess or only a a or only a parlourmaid. 
 (" Parlourmaid " has come rather nervously.) 
 
 PERKINS (giving him a significant and bewitching little 
 grin and turning). That does you great credit, Mr. 
 Wimbush, but I think I must be going. 
 
 FERGUS. No don't go, Perkins. 
 
 (She stops, he gets confidential.) 
 
 There's a little point which worries me badly. I've 
 got two sisters, one's a jolly little devil who doesn't 
 count, but the other well-he makes you feel some-
 
 48 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 times that she's swallowed the kitchen poker and hadn't 
 been able to digest it. 
 
 (PERKINS makes a funny little grimace.) 
 
 You know what I mei/ 1 ? 
 
 PERKINS. Oh ! Yes ! All majesty and er 
 
 FERGUS. You're on the line. I promised they should 
 cut in a quarter of a million each. (Very blue.) They 
 won't stand for it. 
 
 PERKINS (pretending to be blue too). They certainly 
 won't. 
 
 FERGUS. They'll move heaven and earth to get me 
 to marry the corrugated iron lady with the grin like 
 the cat has when she's eaten the canary. 
 
 PERKINS. Y-e-s ! 
 
 FERGUS. Ada won't say much but Ruth 1 She's 
 got a tongue like an adder's tooth. When she says a 
 thing is IT is ! (He gets very near to her.) If you'd 
 been Mrs. Calthorpe Perkins 
 
 PERKINS (pretending to be frightfully dense). If I 
 had what would have happened ? 
 
 FERGUS. Well I'd have gone back home in a sub 
 marine to hide my joy ! 
 
 (He turns, very down-hearted, for his hat, and a joyou* 
 silent laugh consumes her.) 
 
 PERKINS (commiserating). You seem to have struck 
 a vein of bad luck, Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 FERGUS. I sure have, Miss Polly struck it plumb- 
 centre. 
 
 (With his cap in his hand he saunters back to her, and 
 for a moment stands silently gazing at her.) 
 
 FERGUS (tenderly picking up the edge of her apron). 
 Guess this is what they call lace ? 
 
 PERKINS. No, it's embroidery. 
 
 FERGUS. Oh, that's embroidery, is it. And what's 
 this ? (Meaning the material of the apron itself.) Twill ? 
 
 PERKINS (laughingly). No ! That's er well, I 
 think it's nainsook really.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 47 
 
 FERGUS. Nainsook really ! What a nice lot I'm 
 getting to know about haberdashery, aren't I ? 
 
 (He drops the apron and she smooths it out. He fiddles 
 with his cap, and the adorable little witch fiddles with 
 his heart.) 
 
 Say ! I heard some one singing in the house this morn- 
 ing, just as it was getting light. Who was it ? 
 
 PERKINS. I don't know unless it was Mr. Robert 
 or me / sometimes hum a bit when I'm busy. 
 
 FERGUS (closer, more fervently). It was a beautiful 
 voice, the sort of voice one hears in dreams. As if an 
 angel were singing in the dawn and trying not to wake 
 the birds. And it wasn't the song of a woman who was 
 busy. 
 
 PERKINS. No ? 
 
 FERGUS (shaking his head slowly. Intensely). It 
 came from a woman who was happy. 
 
 PERKINS (glorified). Aha ! Then it couldn't have 
 been me ! 
 
 FERGUS. / must have been dreaming. (More intense 
 still as he bends nearer her eyes.) And I was wishing 
 some too. (He stops.) 
 
 PERKINS (bravely, looking straight at him). What 
 were you wishing, Mr. Wimbush ? 
 
 FERGUS. I was wishing I could take that voice back 
 home, and hear it in my woods. 
 
 (And slowly going up he putts on his cap and goes away. 
 Exit WIMBUSH.) 
 
 (Her glance follows the exit. She creeps up cautiously 
 behind the window, eyes aflame. She turns, and triumph 
 is in her eyes, and out of an unconscious throat she 
 trills and sings quite softly, crossing at once to her 
 flowers. A moment later FERGUS is seen to peep anxi- 
 ously round the casement the voice has reached him 
 and love has brought him back to it. He stands enrap- 
 tured. A vase of flowers is ready for its place, and as 
 she holds it and determines where it shall go, FERGUS 
 withdraws as silently as he came, and PERKINS take*
 
 48 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 the bowl to her writing-table. The trilling still continues. 
 The door opens quite quietly and PRIESTLEY stands 
 in the doorway, his silk hat on his head and his hands 
 still gloved. He only se.es the back of a servant, but 
 the voice is the voice O/MRS. CALTHORPE, and he remains 
 bewildered. PERKINS has heard the door open and she 
 thinks it's MARTHA.) 
 
 PERKINS (without turning}. You haven't brought me 
 any water, Martha. 
 
 (Still mystified, PRIESTLEY presses the door shut, and 
 PERKINS thinks MARTHA has gone back for the water. 
 She continues her trilling, but it is more spasmodic 
 as PRIESTLEY edges to get a side view of her. Another 
 bowl is ready, and as she turns with it to the sideboard 
 she discovers PRIESTLEY and just for an instant she's 
 baffled, but his pitiful look of bewilderment is rather 
 comic and she roars. He removes his hat.) 
 
 Er er er Mrs. Calthorpe is away for a day or two, 
 sir. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (glaring). So it seems. 
 
 PERKINS. And won't be back for a month. 
 
 (She passes him and places the bowl of flowers on sideboard.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I wonder if Mrs. Calthorpe would object 
 to me waiting for that month ? 
 PERKINS. She would object very much, I'm sure. 
 PRIESTLEY. So am I sure. 
 
 (He crosses to fireplace and very slowly takes off his gloves. 
 She attends to her flowers and he smacks one glove 
 viciously on the other.) 
 
 May I ask who you are ? 
 
 PERKINS (pertly). I'm Perkins, the new parlourmaid. 
 PRIESTLEY. Oh yes ! 
 
 (He puts his gloves into the tail pocket of his frockcoat.) 
 
 PERKINS. May I ask in which capacity you appear 
 this time ? Guardian, trustee, uncle-by-marriage, or 
 adviser 1
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 49 
 
 PRIESTLEY (warming up). ' In neither. I am now a 
 bewildered and disillusioned microbe. 
 
 PERKINS. Bobby says I'm a topping parlourmaid. 
 What do you think ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I've given up thinking. Last night I 
 received a telegram. This telegram. 
 
 (He produces a telegram from his waistcoat pocket, and 
 hands it to her folded. She takes it coldly, flattens it 
 out with careful foolery, reads it grimly, smiles and 
 hands it back.) 
 
 PERKINS. And so you thought you'd better come on 
 and investigate ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Exactly. (He puts on his pince-nez and 
 reads the telegram pompously.) " The Calthorpe business 
 is right off. Nothing doing. Will see you in a day or 
 two. Wimbush." (As he refolds the telegram.) That 
 sounds remarkably like the classic phrasing of Master 
 Bobby, inspired by the fertile brain of the new parlour- 
 maid Perkins, I think you said. 
 
 PERKINS (checking her laughter by scratching her chin). 
 It's a lovely morning, isn't it ? (Back to flowers.) I do 
 hope you won't be in to meals, sir. Teignmouth can 
 cater for normal appetites, but er what do disillu- 
 sioned microbes feed on as a rule ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Rats ! (Furiously bursting out.) What 
 the devil is the meaning of this tomfoolery ? 
 
 PERKINS (holding up both hands in mock horror). Now, 
 Nunkie, Nunkie ! If you start off like this you'll never 
 keep it up for four whole weeks ! (With delicious pert- 
 ness.) If there's any cause of complaint, you can write 
 to my mistress with pleasure. 
 
 (?RIESTLEY, groaning with fury, clasps his hand to his 
 brow and struggles to casement in despair. She glories 
 in his torment. Drumming the devil's tattoo with his 
 feet, returns and plumps a chair furiously down in the 
 centre of the room.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Sit down 1
 
 60 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 (She actually smiles it maddens him.) 
 Sit down I 
 
 (He points a commanding finger at the chair, and fooling 
 for all she's worth she sidles into it like a naughty child. 
 He bends down, nearly slicking his face into hers.) 
 
 I've made a mistake with you. I've treated you like 
 a sane grown-up woman. You're an incorrigible, insuffer- 
 able, incomprehensible vixen. 
 
 (She pretends to be scared and clutches each side of the 
 chair seat.) 
 
 You ought to be smacked. And you ought to be 
 smacked on a part of your anatomy which at the moment 
 is inaccessible. (Shrieking it.) Smacked ! (And he 
 smacks one hand over the other.) That's what you 
 want ! (And he stands back an instant to get his breath 
 then he has another try.) Where on earth is your sense 
 of dignity ? Where is it ? 
 
 (She looks blank, then glares round about until her eyes 
 drop on the floor in case the dignity is there. When she 
 again looks up she can't restrain her laughter at his 
 ridiculous anger.) 
 
 PERKINS. Aha-ha-ha-ha ! You ought to have been 
 a Member of Parliament, Nunkie. A few more humorists 
 like you and the House of Commons would be a place 
 of real entertainment. (She rises slowly and pulls down 
 her apron and adjusts her cap.) Now you sit down. 
 
 (He gasps. She dutches his sleeve.) 
 Come along come along. 
 
 (He jerks his sleeve out of her dutch.) 
 
 If you want to discuss business with me you'll 
 get in that chair, or I won't say a word. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (seeing that she means it). Very well, I 
 will. (He does, and crosses one leg over the other.) Now 
 then I'm waiting, and I warn you my patience is very 
 nearly exhausted.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 81 
 
 PERKINS. First of all, again you haven't kissed me, 
 and you owe me one for Tuesday. (She bends deliberately 
 to him.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (warning her off). I won't do anything of 
 the kind. 
 
 PERKINS (sticking her cheek in a kissable position). 
 Come on ! come on ! 
 
 PRIESTLEY (wriggling off the chair and retreating for 
 safety round the flower table). I won't! I refuse! What 
 on earth would a passer-by think if he caught me kissing 
 a cap and apron ? 
 
 PERKINS. If my experience of passers-by is of any 
 value, he'd be infernally sorry it wasn't himself. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Paugh ! 
 
 PERKINS (craftily). Do you mean to tell me you've 
 never kissed a cap and apron ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. How dare you ? How dare you ! 
 
 PERKINS. That's no answer to my question. (Mim- 
 icking a Counsel at the Bar.) I put it to you. On 
 your oath sir, have you or have you never kissed a 
 skivvy ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (stumbling). N-n-never ! 
 
 PERKINS (pat). I don't believe you and I shan't 
 play. (She turns her back on him.) 
 
 (For a moment he's bluffed out. Then he approaches 
 her on another tack.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (standing over her. In quite a calm and 
 conciliatory voice). Leila ! 
 
 PERKINS (wriggling her shoulder from his touch like a 
 petulant child). No I shan't play. If I'm not fasci- 
 nating enough to be kissed, as as all first-class parlour- 
 maids expect to be I'm no longer of any interest to 
 you. 
 
 (She wanders to casement window with her little nose in 
 the air. She aimlessly looks this way and that. She 
 sees some one' in the distance and joyously waves to 
 him. PRIESTLEY, nettled, strides up to casement door 
 to investigate.)
 
 02 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. That's Mr. Wimbush, surely! 
 (She doesn't deign to answer.) 
 
 It is Wimbush. (Dashes back to her.) Am I to under- 
 stand that that that does Wimbush believe you to 
 be Perkins and not Mrs. Calthorpe ? 
 
 PERKINS (quite unruffled by such an absurd question). 
 Of course. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (almost inarticulate in his fury). Then 
 I'm a bigger idiot than ever. 
 
 PERKINS. Nobody doubts it. Coming down to 
 peaceful little Teignmouth, with your absurd Gray's 
 Inn heroics, and your your high-falutin' legal airs. 
 Ergh ! What is it you men actually want of us ? You 
 bring us into the world without consulting us. You 
 train us as it pleases you, and if we believe our own ears 
 you train us very badly. We're not permitted to marry 
 the men we select but the men who select us, and when 
 we die we never have the chance of selecting our own 
 tombstone. You know it's getting comic. We darn 
 your socks, and make your beds, and cook your food, 
 and wash up. Can't we even call our hearts our own ? 
 
 (Quite calmly she leaves him, completely beurildered.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (making another attempt). Leila ! I er 
 I climb down, and I sit down. (He does, and very 
 meekly.) 
 
 PERKINS. A h ! (She picks up a hassock.) Now we 
 can talk sanely. 
 
 (She flings the hassock at his feet, moves it into position 
 
 with her foot, and kneels on it. She adjusts her dress. 
 
 AU the foolery is gone. When she commences her voice 
 
 has a serious ring in it.) 
 
 At what age do you consider a woman capable of manag- 
 ing her personal affairs ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. With discretion and wisdom ? 
 
 PERKINS. Naturally. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. At no age. I dare say such a woman 
 has existed I can only say I have never met her.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. fi3 
 
 PERKINS (pointedly). You mean that ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I do. (Emphatically.) I have never 
 known a woman who off her own bat has been capable 
 of managing her life. It isn't a condemnation women 
 are physically and mentally not er balanced to a 
 to judge things dispassionately. 
 
 (She smiles grimly.) 
 
 That amuses you. 
 
 PERKINS (shaking her pretty head). It frightens me. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. And it frightens level-headed old lawyers 
 when they try. 
 
 PERKINS. That's why you tried to drive me into 
 marrying Mr. Winkley, perhaps ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. That's why I tried to make you see the 
 wisdom of it. 
 
 PERKINS (almost fiercely). And that's why you're 
 trying to bully me into marrying Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Precisely if you call it bullying. 
 
 PERKINS. Then I think you've gone to work in 
 a very clumsy way. (Turns to him.) It's a good 
 many years since I first came under your charge, isn't 
 it? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Yes. 
 
 PERKINS. And I've always been a handful. And a 
 terrible nuisance, haven't I ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (gallantly). Well er 
 
 PERKINS. Haven't I ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (hedging). You've certainly been a great 
 concern to me. 
 
 PERKINS. And when you married me to Dick Cal- 
 thorpe you thought you'd done me a very good turn, 
 didn't you ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. It wasn't a bad opening for a girl left 
 in the circumstances in which you were left. 
 
 PERKINS (without a pause). Did it ever occur to 
 you that my marriage was a blunder ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. To be candid, I er I thought towards 
 
 the end of it that it wasn't quite or not quite 
 
 PERKINS. It wasn't quite. I could never have
 
 64 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 believed that marriage could be such a hell to a 
 woman. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (astounded). You astound me. You 
 never hinted 
 
 PERKINS. White women don't talk about such things. 
 It was four years of misery. Solid complete misery. 
 (Her eyes drop.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (amazed). Leila ! 
 
 PERKINS (smothering her emotion). You didn't know 
 that, did you ? Men never do discover the agony some 
 of us go through. (The touch of real and intense tragedy.) 
 You never dreamed that one night I one night I nearly 
 ended it. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. My poor Leila ! 
 
 PERKINS (quickly mastering herself remorselessly). 
 There's going to be no more bullying no more persua- 
 sion no more 
 
 PRIESTLEY (intensely). None ! 
 
 PERKINS (smiling sadly at his terrible seriousness). 
 But you needn't get scared about it, Nunkie. I'm not 
 indifferent to a fortune especially when it's a large one, 
 but if Mr. Wimbush wants Mrs. Calthorpe he must first 
 want Polly Perkins, and to want Polly Perkins is to 
 sacrifice Leila Calthorpe and all she means to him. 
 (With fine rapture.) And if Fergus Wimbush had a 
 hundred millions I wouldn't marry him unless I was 
 sure. And that's my little game. (She snuggles her 
 head upon his shoulder.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (softly). And what are your feelings 
 towards him ? 
 
 PERKINS. I'll tell you in a day or two. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. And what will he think when he dis- 
 covers the deception you've played on him ? 
 
 PERKINS (whispering it naively). I'll tell you that 
 also in a day or two. (Kneeling up.) You don't believe 
 in me ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I don't altogether believe in your method. 
 It's dangerous. The world claims to have done with 
 sentiment that only means it has done with honesty 
 and truth, and that knavery has taken the place of
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 65 
 
 chivalry. However, you're entitled to your whim 
 (with a silly little chuckle) and to your 'Wimbush. 
 
 (They both roar at the point. He is convulsed and nearly 
 falls off his chair.) 
 
 Did you hear what I said ? You're entitled to your 
 whim and to your Wimbush. Aha-ha ! 
 
 (She snatches the handkerchief from his pocket to wipe 
 her eyes.) 
 
 That's the cleverest thing I've heard for quite a while 
 
 your whim and your 
 
 PERKINS (thumping him). Shut up. 
 
 (He seeks for his handkerchief and eventually discovers it 
 with her.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (recovering it). After you thanks. (Re- 
 lieved.) As I was saying (rising) you're entitled to 
 your Wimbush if you want him, but if a sounder and 
 steadier noddle than your own may be of any service 
 
 (He opens his arms to her and she flies into their embrace.) 
 PERKINS. You dear old thing. 
 
 (Flinging her arms round his neck she kisses him affec- 
 tionately as FERGUS WIMBUSH coming in smartly is 
 startled by the embrace and involuntarily coughs. Both 
 the culprits turn their glances guiltily up and he diplo- 
 matically retreats again.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (sotto voce). Damn ! 
 
 PERKINS (unable to keep serious under the absurdity 
 of their plight). That's exactly my feelings. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (greatly concerned, rather fatuously). I'd 
 better explain at once. 
 
 PERKINS (quickly). No ! No ! (Motioning him off.) 
 Go right away. 
 
 (He quickly goes out door. She gets busy, and puts on a 
 merry little hum, as she replaces hassock and chair, and 
 then gathers the faded flowers on the table and puts them 
 into basket,)
 
 56 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 (FERGUS looks round and seeing the coast is clear enters.} 
 
 FERGUS (unable to hide his chagrin). I'm awfully sorry 
 I disturbed you, but I I came in for the Railway Guide. 
 
 PERKINS (pointing to MRS. CALTHOUPE'S table). It's 
 in the rack, sir. 
 
 FERGUS (discovering it). Sure ! (Opens it.) I didn't 
 know Mr. Priestley was in Teignmouth. 
 
 PERKINS. He came down in consequence of your 
 telegram. He didn't know Mrs. Calthorpe was away. 
 
 FERGUS (angrily). And was evidently pleased to find 
 that she was. 
 
 PERKINS (with a little snort of defiance). No ! Oh ! 
 No ! (A pause.) Does it shock you very much to find 
 a a parlourmaid embracing a highly respectable and 
 elderly legal gentleman ? 
 
 FERGUS (largely). Not at all. I don't know the 
 customs of the country, and if I did, I guess it's no 
 concern of mine. 
 
 PERKINS. Aha ! that's just what I was thinking. 
 
 FERGUS (greatly hipped but trying not to show it, laughs 
 rather stupidly). Erh ! Erha-ha ! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 
 (And he viciously turns to the guide and thrashes over 
 the pages to her unfeigned delight.) 
 
 PERKINS (bluffing superbly, goes to his assistance). 
 Can't you find the place ? 
 
 FERGUS. It seems all places to me. 
 
 PERKINS (taking the guide). What is it you want ? 
 
 FERGUS (quite furious). I want to know how I can 
 get out of this darned hole, as quickly as I can get out. 
 
 PERKINS. That's very easy. (Turns pages.) Are you 
 going up or down ? 
 
 FERGUS. I'm raving mad, so I'd better go up. (Her 
 suavity drives him crazy.) 
 
 PERKINS. Then you look for T's here we are 
 Tamworth Tanningholt Twickenham Teignmouth. 
 Up trains 1.20 that's no good. 3.37. (A glance at 
 the clock.) You can catch that nicely. Then 5.27 and 
 7.49 the last. (She looks at him quite unconcerned to 
 find him, devouring her.) 
 
 FERGUS (with subdued fury). I'll catch 'era all.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 87 
 
 (She calmly closes the guide and replaces it.) 
 
 (As she passes him to go lack c. he stops her.) Perkins ! 
 When Mr. Bob when out the other day calling " Martha " 
 you er you went out after him what for ? 
 
 PERKINS. Do you really want to know ? 
 
 FERGUS. I do. 
 
 PERKINS. Well, Martha is young and not at all bad- 
 looking. Mr. Bob is also young, very reckless, and 
 very ^ooof-looking. (Passing on to the flower table with 
 a big sigh.) And Teignmouth is very, very dull, Mr. 
 Wimbush. 
 
 FERGUS. That's exactly what I thought, and yet 
 I catch you 
 
 (She darts an amused glance at him.) 
 
 I say I catch you in the arms of a grey-haired old sinner 
 old enough to be 
 
 PERKINS (picking him up). Mr. Priestley is certainly 
 grey-haired and certainly old, but he's not necessarily 
 a grey-haired old sinner. (Quite indignantly and bang 
 in his face.) He's a highly respectable man. He's a 
 J.P., a member of the Licensing Committee of the C.C., 
 a D.D., and sometimes even an M.U.G. And what's 
 more he's a very old friend of mine, if I may say so. 
 He's what the Law calls my guardian he's been a father 
 to me since I was eight, and I've kissed him hundreds 
 and hundreds and hundreds of times. 
 
 FERGUS (greatly relieved, with wide-open eyes). Well, 
 why didn't you say so ? That alters things considerably. 
 
 PERKINS (with fine scorn). Alters what things ? 
 
 FERGUS (rather frozen). Well er trains, and things. 
 I I I mean there's no violent hurry now 
 
 PERKINS (indignantly, pretending not to understand 
 him). Violent hurry ! 
 
 FERGUS. N-n-now that I know there's nothing wrong 
 between you and Mr. Priestley. 
 
 PERKINS (really aroused). Mr. Wimbush, I think you 
 forgot yourself. 
 
 FERGUS (hopelessly). Well, is there ?
 
 08 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 PERKINS (scornfully). Augh ! (She turns as if to gr 
 out of casement.) 
 
 FERGUS (desperately, up after her). Perkins ! Per 
 kins ! I can't stand it. I'm not in a fit condition 
 to be excited. I'm flinging a huge fortune into the 
 gutter because I'm a man and not a monkey, and I 
 tell you, Perkins, I must have sympathy from some one. 
 
 (PERKINS goes right out, with her nose in the air. He is 
 frantic.) 
 
 Perkins ! 
 
 (Exit PERKINS casement turning right, followed excitedly 
 by FERGUS. PRIESTLEY enters craftily from door, 
 slyly peeps after the couple, then turns in and in his 
 glee skips about.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (singing softly as he skips). " On the top 
 of a tree sat a little torn-tit, singing willow, tit-willow 
 tit-willow. And I said to him " 
 
 (Just as he turned down ROBERT came across window 
 and stood in casement laughing at the couple off. On 
 "hearing PRIESTLEY he enters, and PRIESTLEY turning 
 discovers him and immediately recovers his dignity.) 
 
 EGBERT. Hullo ! I didn't know you were down' 
 Beach House seems busy. What's up with you, sir ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (rubbing his hands with glee). I've just 
 been eavesdropping. Leila is a remarkably advanced 
 and able woman. 
 
 ROBERT (with a chuckle). She is. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (vastly surprised). I'd no idea. I thought 
 she was rather a hair-brain. The subtlety of her reason- 
 ing is astonishing. Her er aplomb, her her insight 
 into human nature, her powers of deduction are positively 
 brilliant. She's a born bamboozler. 
 
 ROBERT. Aha-ha-ha ! 
 
 PRIESTLEY (amusedly anxious). Where are they ? 
 
 ROBERT. Fergie is crazy for sympathy. I guess she's 
 drawn him off to administer a dose. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Yes, I heard that, but where ? She
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 89 
 
 surely wouldn't walk out on the public highway in 
 that get-up ? 
 
 ROBERT. Oh, don't you fidget. Whenever Leila 
 wants to administer sympathy, she takes her victim to 
 a nice quiet spot with an old-world sundial, or a rocky 
 eminence overlooking the blue eternal sea or something. 
 (He is at sideboard. Sighs.) Have a drink ? (He gets 
 one.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Thank you, I will. (In ecstatic joy sitting 
 L. of table.) What a what part are you playing in 
 this delightful comedy ? 
 
 ROBERT (rather hipped). I'm the funny man. (Sit- 
 ting R. of table.) I keep cavey to cover the absence of 
 Mrs. Calthorpe, take letters to Little Titten to get the 
 right post-mark, and generally bolster things up by 
 juicy little fairy-tales. You know I'm becoming a 
 most accomplished liar. Never mind. 
 
 (PRIESTLEY puts out his hand to take the glass as ROBERT 
 picks it up himself.) 
 
 ROBERT (drinking). Chin chin ! Happy days. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (watching the liquor disappear). Gone for 
 ever. 
 
 ROBERT. What puzzles me is how is it going to end. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Y-e-s ! But I think we'd better not 
 trouble ourselves about that. When do you return 
 home ? 
 
 ROBERT. The instant I'm no longer wanted. 
 (Warmly.) Now you see ! If anything comes of this 
 they'll give me the Icy Mitt without even a thank you. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (fogged). What is the Icy Mitt ? 
 
 ROBERT. The pathognomic antithesis of the Glad 
 Eye. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (chuckling). Well, it sounds all right, 
 and I seem to have heard of the Glad Eye. (Thinks.) 
 Where have I heard of the Glad Eye ? 
 
 ROBERT. Oh, chuck it, old chap. I know you're a 
 churchwarden, but you don't go to the South of France 
 every year for a month without getting at least one 
 stain on your character.
 
 60 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (rather astonished, rising). I think, my 
 young friend, you forget the years that separate us. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh no, I don't ! If I wear as well as you've 
 done I shall be frightfully bucked when I'm sixty some- 
 thing I've heard my mater say you're the best-pre- 
 served man in London. 
 
 (PRIESTLEY is immensely pleased. He turns to hide his 
 joy and catching himself in the glass preens his feathers 
 and tucks down his waistcoat and squares his shoulders 
 with rapture.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (a thought striking him ; turning erect and 
 very magnificent). I don't know that I altogether 
 appreciate the word " preserved " ! 
 
 ROBERT. That's the word she used and what a 
 mother of eleven children, all living, doesn't know about 
 preserving isn't much. (He has roamed up.) h ! 
 but I'm so bored. For the last three days I've been 
 doing nothing but walk in and out of this infernal 
 casement. 
 
 (He looks at PRIESTLEY, but PRIESTLEY'S hands are under 
 the tails of his coat, his eyes are up to heaven and he's 
 in joyous cogitation. ROBERT stands and chuckles at 
 him.) 
 
 I suppose you're in for a good fat fee if this thing comes 
 off? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (glaring at him fiercely). I beg your 
 pardon ! 
 
 ROBERT (grinning largely). I was only suggesting 
 that if this thing 
 
 PRIESTLEY (furiously). You were only suggesting, sir 
 you were only suggesting 
 
 ROBERT. Well, damn it, I don't have to pay anything 
 for suggesting, do I. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Pay, sir pay 1 Pay what ? 
 
 (Enter PERKINS casement smartly.) 
 PERKINS (naively concerned). What's the fun ?
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 61 
 
 PRIESTLEY (fuming). This young gentleman has 
 clearly outgrown his boots. 
 
 PERKINS (diplomatically). Ah ! I feared he was 
 suffering a little from swelled head. 
 
 ROBERT. I don't usually wear my boots on my head. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Well, you ought to your brains appear 
 to be in your feet. 
 
 ROBERT (amusedly catching her eye). That's distinctly 
 nasty, isn't it ? 
 
 PERKINS. I think we'd better change the subject. 
 (Tucking a flower in BOBBIE'S buttonhole.) Bobby is 
 going to do great things, Nunkie, when once he gets 
 going. Aren't you ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I can tell him his poor mother is very 
 anxious to hear of the start. I fear he doesn't know 
 the meaning of the word " work." 
 
 ROBERT. Don't I ? The only profitable meaning is 
 the knowledge how to work the oracle on those who do. 
 When I've mastered the tricks of that game I shall 
 probably play it as low down as all the other jokers. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (furious). I resent that, sir. I consider 
 it a personal reflection. 
 
 PERKINS (soothingly). Now, gentlemen, gentlemen ! 
 if you please ! 
 
 (Enter MARTHA, closing door carefully behind her.) 
 
 MARTHA (rather warily to PERKINS). The two Miss 
 Wimbushes, ma'am. 
 
 PERKINS (scared). Oh Lord ! 
 
 MARTHA. I said Mrs. Calthorpe was not at home, 
 and they asked to see Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 PERKINS. Where are they ? 
 
 MARTHA. In the hall, ma'am. 
 
 PERKINS. Very well. 
 
 (Exit MARTHA.) 
 
 (Rather scared). This thing is getting complicated. 
 
 ROBERT (naively). It looks like another exit for Robert 
 on the grounds of expediency.
 
 68 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PERKINS. You're quite right. Find Fergus and tell 
 him his sisters are here. 
 ROBERT (drily). I thought so. 
 
 (Exit ROBERT, casement.) 
 
 PERKINS. And we can simplify matters by getting 
 rid of you, Nunkie, too. D'you mind ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (superciliously). Not at all. 
 
 PERKINS. What a blessed thing we have a convenient, 
 railway service. You can catch the 3.20 nicely. 
 
 (PRIESTLEY, quite annoyed and gathering his hat, crosses 
 to door.) 
 
 PERKINS (in stage whisper). This way, dearest. 
 (Meaning casement.) 
 
 PRIESTLEY (resentfully). My umbrella is in the hall. 
 
 PERKINS (taking him up). Martha will give it you 
 from the front door. 
 
 PRIESTLEY (irritably and defensively). But I've already 
 met the Misses Wimbush. 
 
 PERKINS. I daresay, dear, but we're getting so many 
 Bide issues at work that /'m getting rather mixed. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. Just as you please. I suppose I may 
 take it that I'm not actually wanted. 
 
 PERKINS. Not just at present, Nunkie darling. I'll 
 let you know if anything happens. 
 
 PRIESTLEY. I thank you. Good afternoon. (Turns.) 
 
 PERKINS (injured). Nunkie ! 
 
 (He looks back, grasps the omission of the parting kiss, 
 but declines. She seizes his arm in the doorway.) 
 
 (Childishly). Nunkie ! I must be fortified. Somebody 
 has got to kiss me and I can't ask Mr. Wimbush yet 
 can I ? 
 
 PRIESTLEY (bending to kiss her clieek). Oh ! I'm so 
 weak. 
 
 (Exit PRIESTLEY. She peeps after him outside and laughs 
 softly. Then goes out into hall.)
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 63 
 
 (Off)- I'm sorry Mrs. Calthorpe is not at home. Please 
 come in. I've sent for Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 (PERKINS re-enters, followed try RUTH and ADA.) 
 
 RUTH (loftily as she enters). We'd no idea Mrs. 
 Calthorpe was away. 
 
 PERKINS (closing door after them). Yes she's been 
 away for some days. 
 
 RUTH (mystified). Some days ! (Looks dumbly at 
 her sister.) h ! 
 
 (An awkward pause. ADA roams about curious and up 
 to casement.) 
 
 PERKINS. Can I get you some lunch ? If you're 
 just off the train 
 
 RUTH. Oh, thank you we had a basket put in at 
 Yeovil. 
 
 PERKINS. Perhaps you'd like to go to Mrs. Calthorpe's 
 room. I think Mr. Wimbush has gone off along the 
 cliffs. 
 
 RUTH (sitting majestically on couch). No, I think we'd 
 better just wait for Mr. Wimbush, thank you. 
 
 ADA (coming down, joyously). Are you Perkins ? 
 
 PERKINS. Yes, miss. 
 
 ADA. My brother said something about you in his 
 letter. I wondered. (Another pause.) You don't 
 know which way my brother went, do you ? 
 
 RUTH (taking her gloves off). Oh, I think we'll wait, 
 Ada. (To PERKINS.) Some one has gone for him, you 
 said. 
 
 PERKINS. Yes Mr. Robert. He can't be far away. 
 
 (PERKINS accepts dismissal and turns to door.) 
 
 (To RUTH.) You'll hardly be returning to London 
 to-night. I didn't see any luggage in the hall. 
 
 RUTH. Well, no we didn't er 
 
 ADA (cutting in). As a matter of fact, Perkins, we 
 did, but we thought it wise to leave it in the cloak-room 
 at the railway depot. 
 
 RUTH (annoyed). Ada !
 
 64 THE MAN FROM TORONTO 
 
 ADA. In case we weren't invited to stay. 
 
 PERKINS (tickled). Then if you'll give me the ticket 
 I'll have it sent for. The mistress would be greatly 
 offended if you did not stay here. I can only offer you 
 one bedroom between two. 
 
 ADA. That's just ripping of you, Perkins. (She Jias 
 dived into her bag for ticket.) Of course we'll stay. We 
 came down in the hope we should be asked to stay. 
 (Hands ticket to the smiling PERKINS.) Didn't we, Ruth? 
 
 RUTH (with dignity). You will please not allow your- 
 self, Perkins, to be shocked by my sister. 
 
 PERKINS (at door). Oh no, miss, thank you. It takes 
 a great deal of this sort of thing to shock Devonshire. 
 
 (She is swinging out again and has the door wide open 
 when ADA chirps in again.) 
 
 ADA. What do we do when we're ready to go to 
 our room whistle ? 
 
 PERKINS (silently convulsed). Yes if you prefer it 
 to ringing the bell. 
 
 (Exit PERKINS.) 
 
 ADA. It feels a bit freezy, doesn't it ? 
 
 RUTH (looking quizzingly about). Most extraordinary ! 
 Not been here for some days, she said. Then what is 
 Fergus doing ? What does it mean ? 
 
 ADA. I suppose the darling hasn't cottoned to poor 
 old Fergie, and has escaped. 
 
 RUTH. Then why is he staying on ? 
 
 ADA. Give it up ! I'm not worrying ! (Roams up.) 
 They're as independent as hogs on ice, these English 
 people, but I wish they'd let us have some of their 
 servants. Guess this one would make some of us a bit 
 shabby. 
 
 (A call of " Ahoy ! " is heard some distance off. " Ahoy ! " 
 It is ROBERT'S voice. The girls prick up their ears 
 and ADA rushes to casement and gives the prairie call in 
 answer.) 
 
 RUTH. Who is it ?
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 65 
 
 ADA (excitedly}. A man a young man- coming along 
 the beach. He's running, guess he's on the bee fine for 
 home. 
 
 Another " Ahoy !" much nearer and ADA darts back as 
 ROBERT bursts in.) 
 
 ROBERT (as he enters). Can't see anything of him. 
 (Discovers the visitors and pulls vp.) h ! 
 
 ADA (grinning largely). How d'you do ? 
 
 ROBERT (bounng and coming in further, giggling ner- 
 vously). How d'you do ? Are are you Canada ? 
 
 ADA (jumping up). Yep ! 
 
 ROBERT. I'm Bob. 
 
 ADA (sticking out her hand). I thought you were. 
 Put it right there. I'm Ada. Ruth ! This is Bob. 
 
 ROBERT (his hand to RUTH). Put it right there. 
 
 RUTH (deigning the tenth part of a nod). How d'you 
 do ? We're sorry Mrs. Calthorpe isn't at home. We'd 
 no idea of it. 
 
 ROBERT. No. Nobody seems to have any idea of 
 it. 
 
 RUTH. I thought she was entertaining my brother. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh 1 I'm entertaining him. (To ADA.) 
 And Fergie's a sport he's a a a top-holer. 
 
 ADA (rapturously). You think he is, Bob ? 
 
 ROBERT. I do ADA ! 
 
 ADA (smashing him on the shoulder and letting her arm 
 rest there). Bully ! (The arm tickles him and he just 
 loves it.) 
 
 RUTH (freezinghj). You will understand, Mr. er 
 did I catch your surname ? 
 
 ROBERT. Gil m our. (A grin.) 
 
 RUTH. Mr. Gilmour. You'll understand, I hope, 
 that my sister is a child of the woods 
 
 ADA. Oh, come off it, Ruth. 
 
 RUTH. And is not an average Canadian girl by 
 any means. 
 
 ROBERT. I'm so glad I should probably detest the 
 average Canadian girl. 
 
 ADA. Ha! ha 1
 
 66 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ROBERT. Of course I I I didn't mean that 
 What I meant was that that the average girl is like 
 the happy medium neither one thing or the other. 
 
 ADA. Like you, Sonny a bit mixed. 
 
 ROBERT. And a frightful ass. (To ADA.) I say, I 
 was going to run up to the Coastguard Station. I'll 
 bet Fergus is there. 
 
 ADA (smartly). Then let's both go. (Flings her bag 
 and gloves on armchair.) I've got awfully silly shoes 
 on for running. (She squats and tucks her finger in the 
 heel of one shoe.) 
 
 ROBERT (in a dream). I guess those little feet would 
 do well in any sort of shoe. 
 
 (RuTH squirms with disgust.) 
 
 ADA (peeping up at him). You've kissed the Blarney 
 Stone, Robert. (Jumps up, flings off her hat and her 
 coat.) I shall bet you a pair of gloves I reach the guar^ 
 house before you do. How far is it ? 
 
 ROBERT. Half a mile. 
 
 ADA. Just my distance. Is it on ? 
 
 ROBERT (naively). I'd rather make it a box of choco- 
 lates, a small box if you don't mind. I'm frightfully 
 broke. 
 
 ADA. Then we'll race for love. 
 
 (She stands up in skirt and jersey, a fine, breezy Canadian, 
 and he admires her immensely.) 
 
 Come on. 
 
 (They both run out.) 
 
 ROBERT. Here's Fergie coming from the opposite 
 direction. 
 
 ADA. We needn't see him. 
 ROBERT. All right. We must dash for it. 
 
 (And both run off away to left.) 
 
 (A moment later FERGUS appears at casement eagerly 
 looking in the direction the runners have taken. Ue 
 looks in and discovers RUTH.)
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 67 
 
 FERGUS (collapsing against the doorpost). Oh, my ears 
 and little whiskers. (Enters.) Then it was Ada. What 
 on earth brings you here ? 
 
 RUTH. You promised to wire how things were going. 
 There was nothing on Wednesday ; we waited anxiously 
 all day yesterday, and your letter this morning said 
 nothing. So we decided to come down and burst in 
 on Mrs. Calthorpe. You never could be trusted to 
 manage anything yourself could you ? 
 
 FERGUS (roughly). Well it's off, right off, so you've 
 had a wasted journey. 
 
 RUTH. Fergus ! (Alarmed.) What's happened ? 
 
 FERGUS. Just nothing. I haven't even seen the 
 lady. 
 
 RUTH (great staring eyes). Not seen her ? 
 
 FERGUS. I'm waiting out of politeness. There she 
 is. (He points to the fatal photograph of MRS. HUBBARD 
 on the mantelpiece.) 
 
 (Ruin creeps wonderingly towards it.) 
 
 And if you or anybody guess I'm going to lock myself 
 up with that for the rest of my life, you're mistaken. 
 (He roams.) 
 
 (RuTH stares in blank astonishment at the portrait before 
 lifting it slowly down.) 
 
 RUTH. It certainly is a most extraordinary face. 
 
 FERGUS. There are bits of it which are positively 
 dangerous. 
 
 RUTH. But, Fergus photographs are often very 
 deceiving, I shouldn't make up my mind either way 
 until at least I'd met her. She may have a most beauti- 
 ful nature. 
 
 FERGUS (with emphasis). That's where I get skeered. 
 A woman with a beautiful nature and a face like that 
 ought to be put out of her misery. 
 
 RUTH (warmly). But, Fergus, sacrifices have to be 
 made in this world. 
 
 FERGUS. I know, but I see no particular reason for 
 this one.
 
 68 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 RUTH. How can you say such a thing ? 
 
 FERGUS (getting very ratty). Well, I won't argue, and 
 we're not going to have a scene in this woman's own 
 house. You're troubled about my promise to you and 
 Ada. I I confess it's just rough on you ! But what 
 you never have you never miss, and I'm willing for 
 you to share up the ten thousand that must come to 
 me. 
 
 RUTH (turning fiercely). Augh ! You always were 
 impossible ! (She replaces the photograph upon the mantd- 
 
 FERQUS. The whole thing is mighty impossible, and 
 I'm through. If Uncle Ben wanted to benefit the lady 
 he could have done so without ratting me. 
 
 RUTH. Yes ! yes ! I agree, but there's more ways of 
 catching a fish than by hooking it. You've said women 
 never attracted you. 
 
 FERGUS. That's what I said! 
 
 RUTH. I don't want to suggest it, but surely some 
 convenient arrangement might be made to comply with 
 the conditions without er without sacrificing any- 
 thing. 
 
 (He groans.) 
 
 As she's a widow she probably doesn't care much 
 about living with a man, even when she's married to one, 
 and as you don't care two straws whether you have a 
 wife or not 
 
 FERGUS. Who says I don't care two straws ? 
 
 RUTH (staring at him). Do you ? 
 
 (He is too amazed to move or answer, he simply stares at her.) 
 
 Do you, Fergus ? 
 
 FERGUS. Well, I can't tell, can I, until I've seen this 
 one ; guess the first husband died of complicated remorse, 
 but what beats me 
 
 RUTH (viciously). Everything beats you. 
 
 FERGUS. I was remarking what beats me is how she 
 fascinated Uncle Ben, and wherever he is I'm going alter 
 him to find out.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 89 
 
 RUTH. If I were a man the fact that Uncle Ben was 
 fascinated would give me encouragement. 
 
 FERGUS. It freezes me up. 
 
 RUTH. Augh ! 
 
 FERGUS. Young Robert her own cousin admits 
 he wouldn't marry it if she were the only woman left 
 on earth. 
 
 RUTH (majestically) . Fergus you're in love elsewhere . 
 
 FERGUS (from casement). Well perhaps I am, and 
 perhaps I'm not. 
 
 RUTH. Ah ! I thought so. We've been in England 
 eight days. You haven't lost much time, have you ? 
 (Furious.) Who on earth is she ? 
 
 FERGUS. D'augh ! 
 
 (As he is dashing out casement PERKINS enters door.) 
 
 PERKINS (to RUTH, very sweetly). I'm hurrying on tea 
 because I know you ladies must want a cup. Martha 
 will show you to your room. I'm sure you'd like to 
 take your things off. 
 
 RUTH. Thank you, I would ; but, Perkins, tell me, 
 is your mistress really as plain as her photograph makes 
 out? 
 
 PERKINS. No, she isn't it's a libel. 
 
 RUTH. I'm glad of that. It makes her look quite 
 old. I understood she was a young widow. 
 
 PERKINS (in a fix). She's very sweet in herself. 
 
 RUTH. But her age what is it ? 
 
 PERKINS (getting deeper in). h ! Forty-five, per- 
 haps. 
 
 (FERGUS grins triumphantly.) 
 
 RUTH. What ? 
 
 PERKINS. N o ! thirty-five or something I don't 
 know. It's so difficult when people won't tell you, 
 isn't it ? 
 
 RUTH. But you say she's sweet. 
 
 PERKINS. Yes, she is she's a darling to live with 
 when you when you stroke her down the right way. 
 
 RUTH. No children, I think ?
 
 70 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PERKINS. A daughter. 
 
 FERGUS (with a groan, dashing out). Bunkered. 
 
 (Exit FERGUS.) 
 
 PERKINS. N o ! No children. I was thinking of 
 somebody else. (Thinking of escape.) I think I'd better 
 tell Martha to pour the tea off the leaves. 
 
 RUTH. Oh, leave the leaves tell me more about Mrs. 
 Calthorpe. It's no use beating about the bush, Perkins. 
 I daresay you've heard something. If my brother 
 and your mistress marry they divide a very large fortune 
 and we girls get a share of it. Unfortunately Mr. Wim- 
 bush has taken a keen dislike to her already and things 
 are going badly 
 
 PERKINS (naively). Are they ? 
 
 RUTH. "Very badly. (Pointedly.) What possessed 
 her to bolt when she knew my brother was calling to 
 see her the other day ? 
 
 PERKINS (big staring eyes). Did she ? I I I can't 
 imagine the missus bolting from a man, especially from 
 Canada. 
 
 RUTH. But she did. Is she a nervous creature ? 
 
 PERKINS. She sulks a bit sometimes, and I've heard 
 
 her say (Stops, then whispers it confidentially.) 
 
 I've heard her say " damn." 
 
 RUTH (brushing it irritably aside). That doesn't 
 matter, is she lively ? (Desperate.) Would she make 
 an ordinary man ordinarily happy ? 
 
 PERKINS. You bet she would if she tried. Look here, 
 Miss Wimbush, take my advice you leave it to her. 
 She probably thinks there's too many partners in the 
 business and is waiting for them to thin out a bit. 
 
 RUTH (aroused). Indeed ! My brother isn't the sort 
 of man to go down on his marrow-bones to a -person 
 like Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 PERKINS (naively). Then the business is bust. 
 
 RUTH (loftily). You seem to be pretty sure of your- 
 self. 
 
 PERKINS. I'm pretty sure of the missus. I haven't 
 lived with her all these years not to know that she can't
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 71 
 
 be driven, or kicked into doing anything she doesn't 
 want to do. 
 
 RUTH (highly ruffled crossing to door). Dear me ! 
 I think I'll go upstairs now. Perkins my brother 
 hasn't met many ladies since he came, has he ? Many 
 attractive ladies ? 
 
 PERKINS. Well, he's been up and down the beach a 
 great deal and one never knows what temptations 
 
 RUTH (stamping her foot in anger). I'm serious, Per- 
 kins. Have you seen him with anyone or heard him 
 speak of any one to Mr. Gilmour, for instance ? 
 
 PERKINS (pretending to think). No, I don't think so. 
 Mr. Wimbush doesn't strike me as being a " giddy " 
 man. Is he ? 
 
 RUTH. He's an idiot. They're all idiots where women 
 are concerned. I must tell you, Perkins he's going to 
 fling this mighty chance into the sea because some baby 
 face has caught his fancy. 
 
 (PERKINS looks pretendingly baffled and stares aghast.) 
 
 PERKINS. Who can it be ? If it's anybody in 
 Teignmouth he must be a bit of a hustler. (Minces.) 
 It can't be ? 
 
 RUTH. Yes ! 
 
 PERKINS. It can't be Martha ? 
 
 (With a groan of disgust RUTH dashes out. With a joyous 
 silent laugh PERKINS follows as ROBERT and ADA 
 burst in joyously, exhausted from their race. He flings 
 himself full length into armchair, but she's far too Jin e 
 a man for such weakness. Her cheeks are aflame, her 
 hair has loosened, her boots and stockings and skirt 
 are covered with sand and dust. She makes a glorious 
 picture.) 
 ADA. Hip ! hip ! Tea's coming. (Turns to her 
 
 adversary.) You lazy rascal ! (She pummels him and 
 
 thumps him.) Beaten by a hundred yards ! How do 
 
 you like it, Britisher ? 
 
 (He foolingly squeals for mercy and site leaves him.) 
 I'm hot. (She puts her hand over her heart and
 
 72 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 is scared.) Say, Bobby, my old bus is doing fifty miles 
 to the gallon. Phew ! It won't do, Ada, my chick, 
 you're out of condition. (Looks round.) I must have 
 something to drink. (She goes to sideboard.) Is this 
 soda water ? (Fingering a syphon.) 
 
 ROBERT (sitting up). Yes, but I shouldn't drink soda 
 neat while you're so heated. 
 
 (She laughs merrily at him and squirts soda into her glass, 
 turns round and drinks it at one draught.) 
 
 ADA. What a weak little teacher's pet you are, 
 Kiddie. You'd never do for Canada. We'd have to 
 sew you up in cotton wool and keep you in an incubator. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh don't you get too high-browed m'lady. 
 I'll give you best at half a mile. I haven't sprinted 
 since I left Oxford, but don't you crow. Can you 
 swim ? 
 
 ADA (coming up to him). Swim like a fish. 
 
 ROBERT. Can you golf ? 
 
 ADA. What's your handicap I 
 
 ROBERT. Eight. 
 
 ADA. I'll give you a stroke a hole and play you for 
 a set of clubs. 
 
 ROBERT. Done. Seven o'clock to-morrow morning. 
 
 ADA. Can I wire for my sticks to be sent down 
 to-night 1 
 
 ROBERT. You can. 
 
 ADA. Then I'll play you, young man. I'm the 
 junior open champ of Ontario. 
 
 ROBERT. The devil you are ! 
 
 ADA (bursting at him). You'll be dead broke before 
 you've done with me, old chap. Is there any other 
 sport you're great in ? What about steeple-chasing ? 
 I'll ride you bareback across country. 
 
 ROBERT (Jlinging his hat in amused defiance on the 
 floor). Just you chuck it, Flapper, you're getting my 
 dander up. 
 
 ADA (joyously rumpling his hair with both hand*). 
 Now you look almost as pretty as I do. I say our hail
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 73 
 
 isn't a bad match, is it ? (She has captured a trisp of 
 her rebellious hair and held it up against his.) 
 
 (Enter MARTHA. She sees the flirtation and bangs the 
 door in anger. Goes to dresser for cloth and lays it 
 fiercely over table as the two spot her demeanour and 
 ROBERT withers in the chair.) 
 
 ADA (brightening to MARTHA). Where's Miss Ruth, 
 Martha ? 
 
 MARTHA (coldly, without turning from the table). 
 She's gone upstairs, Miss. 
 
 ADA. I suppose I shall be able to find her. 
 
 MARTHA. It's the first door on the left on the 
 landing. 
 
 ADA (withdrawing). Thank you. 
 
 (She gives ROBERT a long bewildering look and disappears. 
 Exit ADA closing door after her. ROBERT picks up his 
 hat.) 
 
 MARTHA (with her feathers tip). I don't know, mind 
 yer, but from what I've seen the last twenty-four hours, 
 we've turned the place into an asylum for kissing. 
 
 ROBERT (highly tickled at her cheek). Aha ! I'm glad 
 you said " we." 
 
 (She gives him a fierce look.) 
 
 MARTHA (marching over to him and squaring up to him). 
 I know what you mean. But there's this difference. 
 When a gentleman kisses a girl like me, we know what 
 Vs up to and we like it because it makes us feel that 
 our flesh ain't dirt any more than 'is is ; but when a 
 gentleman kisses an innocent and beautiful young lady 
 who he 'asn't known for more than an hour, and who 
 can't take care of 'erself because she doesn't know what 
 men are or what they can be, Vs a blackguard. 
 
 (He smiles grimly.) 
 
 Put that in your pipe and smoke it. 
 
 ROBERT (rising very slowly and with mock dignity). 
 I've nothing to discuss with you, Martha, because you've
 
 74 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 made me feel that I owe you an apology. I offer you 
 an apology for having so stupidly made an ass of myself 
 with you the other day. I beg your pardon, Martha. 
 (Firmly.) But I want you to know that I did not kiss 
 Miss Wimbush. 
 
 (He sticks on his straw hat into the band of which he has 
 stuck the flower which PERKINS gave him, twists round 
 on his heels and with nose in air marches pompously out 
 as PERKINS enters.) 
 
 PERKINS. Quickly, Martha. What are you doing? 
 
 MARTHA (viciously). I've just had a bust with some- 
 body. 
 
 PERKINS. Oh, which somebody ? 
 
 MARTHA (turning, almost in tears}. It doesn't matter, 
 Mum. 
 
 (Exit MARTHA quickly.) 
 
 'PERKINS puts a bowl of flowers from sideboard to table 
 
 as FERGUS peeps from casement and enters delighted to 
 
 find PERKINS alone.) 
 
 FERGUS. What do you think of my sisters, Perkins ? 
 
 PERKINS. They bring the perfume of the New World 
 with them, Mr. Wimbush. Miss Ruth, the calm and 
 dignity of the serious and sober thing she's very attrac- 
 tive. Miss Ada has the brilliant joy of life. 
 
 FERGUS (impressed by her astonishing eloquence). 
 Guess I'd like to hear about that perfume of the New 
 World ? 
 
 PERKINS (with rapture). The smell of the wheat fields 
 and the pines. The aroma of the great lakes, the bound- 
 less plains, the glorious winds the fragrance of what 
 was it you said ? Big hopes ! Big thoughts ! Big 
 deeds! 
 
 FERGUS (enraptured). D'you mean that, or is it only 
 what you wonderful English women have trained your- 
 selves to say ? 
 
 PERKINS. English women never train themselves to 
 be insincere, Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 FERGUS. By Heaven, Perkins, how wonderfully you 
 talk.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 75 
 
 (She smiles.) 
 
 Do all domestic servants talk like you ? 
 
 PERKINS. A great many, but then I'm not quite a 
 genuine skiwy. (To fireplace attending to fire.) 
 
 FERGUS. I don't understand that word " skiwy." 
 
 PERKINS. I mean I needn't be a servant if I don't 
 want to be, but I think it's ripping. Before I started 
 I never thought domestic life could be so jolly ! so 
 completely fascinating as it can be. 
 
 FERGUS. And yet I hear that English women have 
 
 PERKINS. Missed it ! That's true, but they've missed 
 it because men have lured them away from it. My mind 
 has completely changed the last three days about home 
 and all it means. I've never had the management of 
 the house and guests without Mrs. Calthorpe before. 
 This is a new experience. 
 
 FERGUS. I see. 
 
 PERKINS (turning to him wth a touch of genuine ner- 
 vousness). Mr. Wimbush, you're forming a wrong 
 opinion of Mrs. Calthorpe. You were talking so loudly 
 just now, we overheard you. She's not nearly such an 
 impossible frump as you think she is. 
 
 (He smiles grimly.) 
 
 It was rather mean of me showing you that photograph. 
 
 FERGUS (without any misgiving). Oh no, it wasn't 
 
 PERKINS. It was, and I'm sorry I did. When you 
 see her at her best, you'll like her. 
 
 FERGUS. May the Lord have mercy on me. 
 
 PERKINS (emphatically). You will ! And you've got 
 to marry her. (To door, roguishly.) You wait. 
 
 FERGUS (masterfully). Perkins. 
 
 (She turns at door.) 
 Come here please. 
 
 (She goes very slowly to him, meeting him centre.) 
 (Very soberly). I want you to put your mistress out of
 
 76 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 your mind. She's nothing to me she never can be 
 anything. 
 
 PERKINS (roguishly). Aha ! 
 
 FERGUS (fuming). I mean it. 
 
 (She drops her eyes and fiddles with her apron.) 
 (Clutching her elbows). Look at me. 
 
 (Roguishly she twists her face away.) 
 (Sternly). Look at me, Polly. 
 
 (She does, and as his fingers lovingly take her cheeks RUTH 
 enters.) 
 
 (On discovering the intrusion, a long groan.) Oh my 
 God. 
 
 (PERKINS laughingly escapes from him and placing chair 
 very carefully at head of table chortles very sweetly to 
 the furious RUTH.) 
 
 POLLY. Tea is ready, Miss. 
 
 (Exit PERKINS, RUTH and FERGUS eyeing each other in 
 defiance. FERGUS with a gesture of disgust majestically 
 takes down the photograph. Deliberately tears it to 
 fragments which he flings to the fire. Slowly takes up 
 a pose of defiance, puts one foot on the stool, puffs out 
 his chest and snorts at his immovable si.ter.) 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 ACT m 
 
 SAME SCBNB 
 
 (On the opening of the act FERGUS is discovered 
 earnestly writing at the table. RUTH is standing at the 
 casement looking steadily through a field glass, away 
 to the left.) 
 
 RUTH (quietly). Fergus 1 
 (A T o attention. She lowers the glass and looks round.) 
 
 Fergus 1 
 
 FERGUS (irritably). Hullo ! 
 RUTH. I want you. 
 FERGUS. I'll get busy in a minute. 
 
 (She waits a moment, then she comes down to him.) 
 
 RUTH (irritably). I want you to look at the rocks 
 just below the flagstaff, and tell me what you see. 
 
 (He takes the glass wearily and goes up looks away to 
 the left.) 
 
 FERGUS. I can't see anything. 
 
 RUTH. Not two persons standing close to the cliff ? 
 I can almost detect them with the naked eye. 
 
 FERGUS. h ! I thought you meant something 
 peculiar. You're not supposed to spy out couples 
 mooning about the shore. 
 
 RUTH (firmly). Look ! Look ! and don't be so 
 philosophic. 
 
 FERGUS (he looks again). Yes ! I see two persons. 
 What of it ? 
 
 RUTH. They're Ada and Mr. Gilmour. 
 
 FERGUS (returning). Well. What of it I 
 77
 
 76 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 RUTH. Haven't you noticed they're madly in love 
 with each other ? 
 
 FERGUS (quite rusty}. Well for the third time what 
 of it? 
 
 RUTH (pointedly). Are you going to allow this thing 
 to develop and take no notice ? Who is Mr, Gilmour 
 what is he ? 
 
 FERGUS (fuming). h ! I've just got a dozen words 
 to put to my letter, then we'll dissect Mr. Gilmour. 
 
 (He regains his seat. She goes again to casement and 
 uses the glass. His letter signed, he blots it with a 
 bang and she returns.) 
 
 (Taking an envelope.) Will you touch the bell ? 
 (She does. He sticks on a stamp. Enter MARTHA.) 
 
 Can you get along with this to the mail box ? 
 
 MARTHA. Yes, sir, but there's nothing out now until 
 the evening post. 
 
 FERGUS (giving letter). All right. 
 
 RUTH (as MARTHA is going out). Is Perkins not 
 returned yet ? 
 
 MARTHA. Not yet, Miss. 
 
 RUTH. Ask her to come to me before she takes off 
 her things, will you. (Sits top end of table.) 
 
 MARTHA. Yes, Miss. 
 
 Exit MARTHA. 
 
 FERGUS. Now then ! Ada and Bobby are sitting on 
 the rocks together below the flagstaff. . . . They are 
 madly in love with each other ' Are we going to allow 
 this thing to develop ? Who is Mr. Gilmour ? W hat 
 is he ? If a herring and a half costs three cents what's 
 the freight rate of a ton of coal ? Gee ! 
 
 RUTH (with expressive dignity). Wonderfully adroit. 
 
 FERGUS (sitting left side of table). Now, look here, 
 Ruth I don't want to be rotten, but I'm much too 
 concerned with my own affairs to be worried. Get me ? 
 
 RUTH. Is there anything connected with your affairs 
 you'd like to consult me about ?
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 79 
 
 FERGUS. Absodamnlutely nothing. 
 
 RUTH. Then I'm glad I've already started to bring 
 matters to a head. (She picks up her handbag.) This 
 thing is getting delightfully mysterious, and I do just 
 hate mysteries. You've been here a week, Ada and I 
 have been here four days, Mrs. Calthorpe is at a little 
 village only sixteen miles away. 
 
 FERGUS (defensively but apprehensive). Attending 
 the bedside of a very old friend. 
 
 RUTH. Fudge ! 
 
 FERGUS (bewildered). What do you mean by 
 " Fudge " ? 
 
 RUTH (flatly). I mean that this sick friend is fudge. 
 
 FERGUS. Ergh ! You'll be asking presently who is 
 Mrs. Calthorpe ? 
 
 RUTH (warming up). I am asking it, and as nobody 
 seems willing to tell me I'm going to find out. (She 
 takes some papers from the handbag.) I've just received 
 a note from her. 
 
 (FERGUS greatly excited.) 
 
 You needn't be surprised. It's in answer to one I 
 
 sent her yesterday. I'd better read them both to you 
 
 (reading). 
 
 " Dear Mrs. Calthorpe, 
 
 I am so extremely sorry you are unable to leave the 
 bedside of your friend, but my brother and I are both 
 anxious to see you before we leave, and as it is impos- 
 sible for us to impose upon your hospitality further, 
 may we not motor over to Little Titten and have a few 
 moments with you ? " 
 
 FERGUS. An extremely ingenious letter. 
 
 RUTH. This is her reply : 
 " Dear Miss Wimbush, 
 
 I shall indeed be grieved if you leave before I can 
 return home and entertain you personally, but if your 
 patience can possibly hold out another day or so, all 
 I think will be well." 
 
 (She looks up at him.) " All I think will be well." 
 What do you make of that ?
 
 80 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 FERGUS. It's quite clear to me, Mrs. Calthorpe ia 
 not dying to meet us, and she's banking on our patience 
 not holding out. 
 
 RUTH (rising). Nonsense ! 
 
 FERGUS. What other construction can you put upon 
 it ? She never invited any of us. We're a parcel of 
 cheap intruders and we've got what we asked for. 
 
 RUTH. If that were so, her feelings would be re- 
 flected in the attitude of Mr. Gilmour and the servants. 
 No one could be sweeter or more hospitable. You're 
 sure she knows the reason of your visit, and what it 
 means to her ? 
 
 FERGUS. Priestley brought me down and detailed 
 the whole business. 
 
 RUTH (questioningly). And sent you on here after 
 he'd seen her. 
 
 FERGUS. Sure. 
 
 RUTH. And when you arrived a few minutes later, 
 you found her gone ? 
 
 FERGUS. I did. 
 
 RUTH. And you really think there's nothing odd 
 about all this ? 
 
 FERGUS. It's all just mighty odd. She's odd, and 
 our business is odd. It's odd for us to be here at all. 
 
 (RuTH, smiling, goes to writing table.) 
 
 It's odd for you to be sticking your nose where it isn't 
 wanted. Life's odd. 
 
 RUTH (sitting at writing table). And that's all you've 
 got to say about it ! 
 
 FERGUS. Except that we've got to clear out as 
 gracefully as we can. And, oh my Lord, what asses we 
 shall feel 1 
 
 (Enter PERKINS just back from the village. She is very 
 simply dressed in a country coat and hat, and carries 
 a dainty little wicker basket.) 
 
 PERKINS (as RUTH turns to her). I've got the French 
 fastenings I'm afraid they're not very good but per- 
 haps they'll do, and Miss Ada's lace. (Hands both.)
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 81 
 
 RUTH. Thank you. 
 
 PERKINS. Martha says you wanted me. 
 
 RUTH. I want this telegram to go to your mistress. 
 (Takes it from her bag.) I suppose Mrs. Calthorpe, Little 
 Titten, is sufficient address ? 
 
 PERKINS (hipped, but hiding it cleverly). Er er ] 
 think so. I've never sent the mistress a telegram to 
 to Little Titten. 
 
 RUTH (handing her the wire). Can you read it ? 
 
 PERKINS (naively). I'll try (reading). " Mrs. Calthorpe, 
 Little Titten. My brother and I will motor over at 
 ten o'clock to-morrow Tuesday morning. Ruth Wim- 
 bush." 
 
 (PERKINS is cornered and gives helplessly a weird little 
 glance of dismay, and it happens to be in FERGUS* 
 direction.) 
 
 FERGUS (helplessly to RUTH). You think that's 
 wise? 
 
 RUTH. I think it's not unwise. It can't possibly do 
 any mischief. 
 
 FERGUS. What does Perkins think about it ? 
 
 RUTH (a touch of loftiness). What should Perkins 
 think about it ? 
 
 PERKINS. Er I don't of course know what your 
 object is. 
 
 RUTH. Our object is to see Mrs. Calthorpe, who 
 doesn't seem at all anxious to see us, and there's very 
 definite reasons why she should see us, or at least Mr. 
 Wimbush. Who is this friend your mistress is nursing 
 d'you know ? 
 
 PERKINS. Er no, Miss, I don't. She has so many 
 friends all about. 
 
 RUTH (definitely). Well we'll send the telegram and 
 see what happens anyway I suppose there are motors 
 to be had at the station hotel ? 
 
 PERKINS. Taxis oh yes ! 
 
 RUTH. Thank you, Perkins if you'll take it as soon 
 as you can. 
 
 PERKINS (turning). I er I think I'll send Martha 
 at once.
 
 82 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 EUTH. If you would, please she has a letter to 
 post for Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 (Exit PERKINS. FERGUS flies to door and opens it for 
 her witliout RUTH'S knowledge.) 
 
 RUTH (on the closing of the door). Now a word about 
 Ada. 
 
 (FERGUS is looking into hall after his adored one. RUTH 
 discovers him. Roughly.) 
 
 Fergus ! I want to talk about Ada. 
 
 FERGUS. Oh, bother Ada ! I mean bother you. Do 
 what you like. Ask Gilmour what he is and who he is. 
 Ask him who Nebuchadnezzar was, but for the love of 
 Mike don't worry me. (Flatly.) I shall leave for London 
 first train in the morning. You can go to Little Titten 
 alone, and if you see Mrs. Calthorpe, give her my kindest 
 regards and tell her I wish to Heaven I'd never heard of 
 her. (Rudely and furiously.) Where's my pipe ? 
 (He started frantically looking for it on " Nebuchadnezzar.") 
 
 RUTH (lifting pipe from writing table and taking it to 
 him.) Here's your pipe, Fergus. 
 
 (He takes it with a snatch, and ferrets for his hat. Finds 
 it and sticks it on his head.) 
 
 FERGUS. I'm sorry I've been boorish, but you're 
 worrying some. 
 
 (She smiles grimly.) 
 
 I know it's just rotten luck for you and Ada that things 
 have not gone our way, but . . . 
 
 RUTH. You haven't tried to bring them our way. 
 You're not even willing to drive over to Little Titten 
 in the morning to see Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 FERGUS (firmly). I am not. I don't want to see 
 Mrs. Calthorpe. I've seen her head and shoulders and 
 I'll take the rest on trust. Priestley warned me she was 
 not a woman to jump at any man no matter what was 
 hanging to him, and by Heaven, she hasn't jumped, has
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 83 
 
 she, and so between the two of us the City of Toronto 
 gets the nest egg instead of me. 
 
 RUTH. Is that your only reason ? 
 
 FERGUS. I guess it's sufficient. 
 
 RUTH (fixing him with her eye). Fergus I know more 
 than you think I do. 
 
 FERGUS. Bully for you then. I am not moving 
 another inch in the direction of the lady whom Uncle 
 Ben pronounced the most wonderful woman he'd ever 
 met. His judgment wasn't high grade, for I've met a 
 better. 
 
 RUTH (rising, expressively). Ah ! Now we're getting 
 at it. 
 
 FERGUS. And I'm getting out of it. 
 
 (He darts out through the casement, turning sharp to the 
 right. Exit FERGUS.) 
 
 (Twilight has come, and right out on the horizon there 
 is the beginning of a fine sunset which gradually in- 
 creases as the Act continues. For a moment RUTH 
 looks blankly on the exit, then very dejected she rings 
 the bell. Enter PERKINS, now in cap and apron again.) 
 
 RUTH. I rang for Martha, but I suppose she's gone. 
 PERKINS. Yes I sent her immediately. 
 RUTH. I only wanted my hat and coat I'll fetch 
 them myself. 
 
 (She crosses quickly but stops at PERKINS.) 
 
 I want to look at you, Perkins. (She looks.) If ever 
 I appear to be unkind, I want you to be believe that 
 I'm not unkind to you, willingly, but because I'm 
 forced to be. I wonder if you can understand what I 
 mean ? 
 
 PERKINS (naively pretending to be puzzled). What 
 do you mean ? 
 
 (Ruin looks at her an instant then angrily takes her 
 shoulders, shakes them viciously and flings her off.) 
 
 RUTH. Don't you know my brother is in love with 
 you ?
 
 84 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PERKINS (pretending to be astonished at the revelation). 
 He's told you ? 
 RUTH. No but you have. 
 
 (PERKINS bites her lip in chagrin.) 
 
 Conie now you did know it ? (Pause.) You did 
 know it. 
 
 PERKINS (in a weak little fooling voice). Yes ! 
 
 RUTH. And you love him ? 
 
 (Screwing up her features into the most absurd little pout, 
 and marching her fingers along the edge of the table. 
 PERKINS remains silent.) 
 
 RUTH. A-u-g-h ! (Fiirious.) How do these out- 
 rageous things happen ! (She flops into chair left of 
 centre table.) 
 
 PERKINS (mincingly). I dunno ! D'you ? 
 
 RUTH. I haven't the faintest notion unless it be 
 that the world is such a topsy-turvy place that every- 
 body misunderstands and miscalculates everybody else. 
 I'm misunderstood. 
 
 PERKINS. By whom ? 
 
 RUTH. Everybody thinks I'm a hard austere foxy 
 female. I've caused the impression because I try to 
 be sane where most women are clearly insane. 
 
 PERKINS. And being sane you don't want your 
 brother to fall in love with me. Is that it ? 
 
 RUTH. I certainly do not. 
 
 PERKINS. Why not ? 
 
 RUTH. Because you are not worth the sacrifice of 
 a huge fortune. 
 
 PERKINS (countering). You think he ought to marry 
 Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 RUTH (emphatically). He must marry Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 If my brother married you, his absurd sacrifice would 
 BO puff up his vanity that for six months he'd love you 
 to distraction, but at the first tiff, he'd wonder whether 
 you were quite worth what you cost him. (Furious.) 
 The second time he wouldn't wonder. 
 
 PERKINS (checking her merriment). Whereas any
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 85 
 
 number of tiffs with Mrs. Calthorpe he could afford to 
 ignore. 
 
 RUTH. Exactly. (Jumps to her feet, restless.) 
 
 PERKINS (looking artlessly at RUTH). So there's no- 
 thing very much in love after all ! 
 
 RUTH. Love is a component part it's the back axle 
 of the matrimonial car. But that car must have tyres 
 to run on, seats to sit in, a steering wheel and a gear 
 box. And the gear box is more important than the 
 back axle. 
 
 PERKINS. Then you're going to ask me not to be 
 his back axle. 
 
 RUTH. Oh no, I'm not. I'm going to do my level 
 best to prevent it. ( Viciously, and pointedly, in her face.) 
 But I shan't succeed. 
 
 PERKINS. Why not ? 
 
 RUTH. Because a clever, fascinating, unscrupulous 
 little wretch is going to defy me. But I warn you 
 my brother's a dreamer, and if he had wealth which 
 he'll never get as a rancher he might dream something 
 big enough to advance humanity. Let him marry you 
 and you'll wreck him and yourself. I warn you, 
 Perkins. 
 
 PERKINS. Aha ! You warn me, do you ! You think 
 wealth is everything. I think it's nothing, and I know 
 more about back axles than you do. (Hotly.) * You're 
 wrong, Ruth Wimbush. Love plus wealth can create 
 miracles. Love alone can aspire to them and sometimes 
 reach them, but wealth alone brings disillusionment 
 always. I've tried it, and I'm not anxious to give it a 
 second chance. 
 
 RUTH. And you're not willing to give any chance to 
 my brother. 
 
 PERKINS (gloriously naive and cryptic again). I wonder. 
 
 RUTH (angered). Oh 1 stop your fascinating little 
 tricks with me. Are you willing to give him a 
 chance. Can't you see that in love like in everything 
 else there must be some equality of sacrifice. What 
 you're doing isn't fair. 
 
 PERKINS. Still I'm wondering.
 
 86 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 
 
 KTJTH. Come now a bargain. I'll guarantee you 
 a hundred thousand dollars if you'll help me marry my 
 fool brother to your fool mistress. 
 
 PERKINS (fooling deliriously). That's a temptation, 
 isn't it ? What is it in real money ? 
 
 RUTH (expressively). Twenty thousand pounds. 
 
 PERKINS (a long whistle). Ph ew ! 
 
 KUTH. You see if you marry him you marry a 
 pauper don't forget that, and the loss of that money 
 will haunt you, whereas if he marries your mistress 
 
 PERKINS (cutting in). We all get fortunes. 
 
 RUTH. Of course we do. 
 
 PERKINS. What a splendid idea. An an and 
 it's a bit risky marrying a dreamer, isn't it ? 
 
 RUTH. An appalling risk. 
 
 PERKINS. You never know where you are he may 
 break out at any moment. 
 
 RUTH, Even into poetry Fergus does. He writes 
 lots. 
 
 PERKINS (horror-struck). Poetry ! 
 
 RUTH. Wanders into the woods, lies down beside a 
 wild flower and does eighteen verses right off. It's 
 awful. 
 
 PERKINS. The poetry is ? 
 
 RUTH (intense). h ! my dear, awful isn't the 
 word for that. He comes home and reads it. 
 
 PERKINS (horror-struck). Reads the poetry ! Then 
 that decides it. 
 
 RUTH (enraptured). A h ! (Enfolding her fervently.) 
 I knew you were a stunning little wretch and no fool 
 the moment I saw you. (Bustling across.) We'll arrange 
 our little manoeuvre when I get back. I'm going up 
 to the coastguard station, my sister is there with Mr. 
 Gilmour. If I should miss her send her back to me, will 
 you. (They have reached the door.) You see you were 
 not quite so indifferent to a little ready money as you 
 thought you were. (Laughs.) 
 
 PERKINS (laughing back). No ! I say, you didn't try 
 to bite me that time, did you ? 
 
 RUTH (rapturously). Not on your life.
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 87 
 
 (Laughing, she goes away, and PERKINS stands until her 
 own laughter exhausts itself, then she begins to sing in 
 sheer joy, flings herself into chair at writing table, 
 covers her eyes with her hands and melts from song to 
 laughter again as ADA and ROBERT appear at casement 
 and stand watching her in surprise. Presently she 
 discovers them and jumps up abashed.) 
 
 PERKINS. Mip Ruth has gone to the coastguard 
 station she particularly wants you to go back to her. 
 
 ADA. Then I can't. 
 
 PERKINS. I promised her you should, Miss Ada. 
 You must. 
 
 ADA (petulantly). I won't. 
 
 PERKINS. You really must. It's most important 
 
 (ADA looks appealingly at ROBERT.) 
 ROBERT (with a smile). I guess you've got to. 
 
 (ADA, wriggling her shoulders in childish disgust, turns 
 slowly up. At the casement she turns a sorrowful little 
 face to ROBERT who darts after her, but with a laugh she 
 runs away. He returns eagerly to PERKINS, who has 
 crept across to fireplace, peering reflectively into it.) 
 
 ROBERT (eagerly down and over her shoulder). Lil 
 what d'you think of her ? I never saw such a bewitching 
 girl in all my life. 
 
 PERKINS (abstractedly). You haven't breathed a word 
 to any one have you, about me ? 
 
 ROBERT. Not a word. 
 
 PERKINS (agitated). Ruth intends motoring over to 
 Little Titten in the morning, and calling on Mrs. 
 Calthorpe. 
 
 ROBERT (alarmed). The devil ! 
 
 PERKINS (naively). She's just sent a wire and 
 actually gave it to me to take to the telegraph office. 
 (ROBERT immensely tickled.) 
 
 Oh, don't grin like a Cheshire cat. 
 
 ROBERT (sobering himself). What are you going to do 
 now ?
 
 88 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 PERKINS (at sea). I hardly know. (Wanders slowly 
 doorwards and back.) What was it you said about Ada, 
 old chap ? I didn't catch it. 
 
 ROBERT. I only asked you what you thought of her. 
 
 PERKINS (turning him round and looking at him). 
 Ttsch ! Ttsch ! Ttsch ! Have you got it^like the 
 rest of us ? 
 
 ROBERT. Got what 1 
 
 (PERKINS naively taps her heart spot.) 
 
 ROBERT (frantic clutching her elbows). Lil she's 
 wonderful, there isn't another like her this side of 
 heaven. 
 
 (She laughingly releases herself and stands laughing at him.) 
 
 PERKINS. It's almost as contagious as the measles. 
 (Then she pretends to be very grave.) Bobby, you think 
 love is the only thing that matters, don't you ? 
 
 ROBERT (boyishly). It's the only thing that is matter- 
 ing just now. 
 
 PERKINS (close up). You're wrong. Love is only a 
 comparative part I mean component part. (An absurd 
 little pout.) D'you know what a component part is ? 
 
 ROBERT. I think so. 
 
 PERKINS (with the most comical naivete). It's a back 
 axle ; and there are other things in life besides back 
 axles, my son. Hoods and screens, and Jacks as well 
 as Jills (chuckling) that's one on the wicket (naively 
 serious again) er er brakes ! and er those funny 
 little things under the bonnet which you tickle when she 
 won't start. (She's thinking and he thinks.) 
 
 ROBERT (inspired). I know chins ! 
 
 PERKINS. Not Ada's bonnet, you fool the bonnet of 
 a car. 
 
 ROBERT (getting it). h ! You mean the carburet- 
 tor. 
 
 PERKINS. Yes ! the carburettor, and and er 
 
 (She gives it up with a laugh. She frantically clasps her 
 hands and beams exultantly seawards.) Oh ! Great 
 Lord, what a beautiful world you've given us fools to
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 89 
 
 live in. (To door, peeping back.) Don't go away, old 
 man, in case I want you. 
 
 ROBERT. Rumbo ! 
 
 PERKINS (from the door, melting to foolery again). 
 And don't forget the carburettor. 
 
 (Exit PERKINS. ROBERT flings himself into armchair.) 
 
 (FERGUS comes cautiously to casement and peeps nervously 
 in.) 
 
 FERGUS (almost a whisper). Is Ruth anywhere about ? 
 
 ROBERT. She's gone up to the coastguard station 
 
 FERGUS (relieved). Thank God. (Comes in.) 
 
 ROBERT (enjoying it). What's up with you ? Still 
 worried ? 
 
 FERGUS. I am worried. And she's worried, in fact 
 she's never really happy unless she's worrying about 
 somebody. (Pause.) She says you're madly in love 
 with Ada and Ada with you. Is it true ? 
 
 ROBERT (startled, nervously}. Well, half of it's true 
 and and I hope the other half will be. 
 
 FERGUS (sticking out his hand and getting hold of 
 ROBERT'S). I wish you luck. 
 
 ROBERT (amazed, jumping up). Fergie ! 
 
 FERGUS. Now, don't say another word about it. 
 
 ROBERT. But this means you're not displeased, old 
 chap. 
 
 FERGUS. Oh no, it doesn't. I'm up to my neck in 
 the same sort of thing myself, and under the circum- 
 stances, I can't very well tell you what I think of you, 
 can I ? But you've only known my sister four days. I 
 have known my little woman a week. 
 
 (ROBERT tickled.) 
 
 ROBERT (with rare guile). Who is she ? 
 FERGUS. A h ! (A chuckle.) I'd give you a thou- 
 sand chances and you'd never guess. 
 
 (ROBERT is blank FERGUS takes him by the arm and 
 looking cautiously round whispers it.) 
 
 It's it's Perkins 1
 
 90 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ROBERT (pretence of a-stoundment). Perkins J 
 
 FERGUS. Ssch ! Ssch ! Ssch ! 
 
 ROBERT (in a ghastly whisper). Perkins ? 
 
 FERGUS. There we are. You're the first person who 
 has any idea of it and you're disgusted. 'Pears to me 
 you damn Britishers 
 
 ROBERT. Who says I'm disgusted. I hold that a man 
 may marry whom he pleases so long as he doesn't choose 
 a wrong 'un. (Cryptically.) Knowing what I know of 
 Perkins you'll be an infernally lucky chap if you get her. 
 
 FERGUS (fervently). That's exactly my notion. And 
 Ruth has wired Mrs. Calthorpe that she's motoring over 
 to Little Titten in the morning with me. With me! 
 (And he taps his chest.) And although I've sworn on 
 the graves of my forefathers that I won't go, you can 
 bet every hair in your head I shall, if I don't slip out 
 in the night and get clear. And if Ruth and Mrs. Cal- 
 thorpe meet good-bye Polly Perkins. 
 
 ROBERT. Then what do you propose to do ? 
 
 FERGUS (buttonholing him, very devilish). I propose to 
 propose at once now! 
 
 ROBERT (chuckling behind FERGUS' back, then pretend- 
 ing to be very dubious). Well, of course, you know your 
 own business best, but it's a bit risky, old man. 
 
 FERGUS (beunldered). Risky ! 
 
 ROBERT. You're so previous. Women are funny 
 devils. You can't drive 'em. Besides she's not making 
 much out of it is she ? 
 
 FERGUS (fogged). Not much out of it ? What class 
 of man do your parlourmaids marry as a rule ? 
 
 ROBERT. Well, the day you marry anybody but Mrs. 
 Calthorpe you practically cut yourself off with a shilling. 
 
 FERGUS. There's the ten thousand of course but 
 oh, Lord, I've promised that to the girls. 
 
 ROBERT. Then it's less than a shilling. 
 
 FERGUS. But I'm not a pauper, sonny. I've got the 
 finest ranch on the Benson Range 
 
 ROBERT (supercilious). Ranch ! 
 
 FERGUS. and the second best homestead in On- 
 tario.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 91 
 
 ROBERT. Why a high-bred English parlourmaid 
 wouldn't look at a ranch. (Incredulous.) And do you 
 see enough in Perkins to fling away eight hundred thou- 
 sand pounds. (In the highest register.) Four millions 
 of- -dollars without a without a pang ? 
 
 FERGUS (heroically). I do. 
 
 ROBERT. Pshew ! You know you're not human 
 you're angelic. 
 
 FERGUS (intensely). Have you by any chance noticed 
 her hands and teeth and hair ? 
 
 ROBERT. I have. 
 
 FERGUS. Can you imagine what she'll look like 
 properly dressed ? 
 
 ROBERT. I can. 
 
 FERGUS. Have you heard her talk I mean without 
 restraint ? 
 
 ROBERT (a significant sigh). Both with and without. 
 
 FERGUS (slap at him). Then I don't want to hear 
 another word. (Swings away.) 
 
 ROBERT (largely). Very well, old chap, it's your 
 beanfeast. (He gets near door, chuckling in a half 
 whisper.) D'you want me to send her in ? 
 
 FERGUS (aflame). A h ! and could you could you 
 conveniently walk up and down outside and keep the 
 coast clear for for half an hour ? 
 
 ROBERT (scared). You're not going to take half an 
 hour over it, surely ? 
 
 FERGUS (irritably). You're wasting time ! You're 
 wasting time ! 
 
 ROBERT (smiling, and taking out his silver cigarette 
 case). I say ! I'll send her in to find my cigarette case. 
 Savvy ? 
 
 (FERGUS highly delighted answers with a joyous chuckle 
 and ROBERT puts his cigarette case on the table.) 
 
 (Contemplating the case.) Clever ! 
 (Exit ROBERT.) 
 
 (FERGUS shows nervousness. Poses himself facing glass 
 and rehearsing in pantomime the actions of a fervent
 
 92 THE MAN FROM TOROCTO. 
 
 lover, the advance, the fervour, the pressure of the hands 
 upon the heart, the appeal, and so on. Then he picks 
 up an illustrated paper, and- reposes in armchair. Looks 
 about, notices cigarette case, jumps up and covers it 
 with his hat.) 
 
 FERGUS (beaming at the dodge). Now that is clever. 
 (Returns to chair, holds up the paper and waits.} 
 
 (PERKINS enters craftily and shows that she is up to the 
 game. Fixes her gaze on table. Can't see the case. Slyly 
 lifts off hat and puts it back again, then begins a search 
 for the case, all round the room, fruitlessly. Comes to 
 fire and jumps on bench to search the mantelpiece, 
 lifting down the pewter pots to look inside. Turns and 
 pretends she sees FERGUS for the first time, jumping 
 down with a litlU scream of surprise.) 
 
 FERGUS (jumping up, nervously). Oh it's you I 
 PERKINS. You gave me quite a fright. 
 FERGUS. Aha ! 
 
 PERKINS (taking the lead). What a lovely sunset 
 look, Mr. Wimbush. 
 
 (She strolls to casement, he follows at her side in step and 
 beaming upon her.) 
 
 FERGUS (enraptured at the scene). It is fine, isn't it ? 
 I I think those deep gold patches melting into the pale 
 green are so beautiful. 
 
 PERKINS (in ecstasy). Yes so soothing. 
 
 FERGUS (intense). You like beautiful scenery, Polly 1 
 
 PERKINS. Beautiful scenery is like beautiful poetry. 
 Mr. Wimbush. It softens and ennobles the human heart. 
 
 VOICE (off a stentorian and giggling warning). La- 
 da-i-da ! 
 
 (ROBERT marches slowly across window.) 
 
 FERGUS (leaning towards her impassioned and sotto 
 voce). It's only Bobby outside keeping guard. You 
 were right. I love beautiful things I can't help it 
 that's why I I I love
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 93 
 
 PERKINS (cutting him short). I've missed that photo- 
 graph that used to be here, on the mantelpiece, Mr. 
 Wimbush. 
 
 FERGUS. Mrs. Calthorpe ! I I burnt it. 
 
 PERKINS. You burnt it ! 
 
 FERGUS (coming down to her nervously). It it 
 annoyed me, I I wanted to get it out of my mind. 
 (Closer.) It didn't soften and ennoble any human heart, 
 I assure you. I've got some photographs here that 
 will Sit down you can see them better. 
 
 (She drops into armchair with her eyes fixed wonderingly 
 on his. Then she slowly looks at some unmounted 
 photographs which he gives her.) 
 
 PERKINS. What a beautiful place ! 
 
 FERGUS (bending over). I'm so glad you like it. It's 
 a homestead on Benson's Flats near the Great Lakes. 
 It's mine. 
 
 PERKINS. Yours ! 
 
 FERGUS. That's one of my herds of cattle and my 
 country stretches as far as you can see, right away to 
 the maples on the top of the ridge there. 
 
 PERKINS (enraptured). Lovely ! 
 
 FERGUS (bending and peering intensely into her eyes). 
 It is lovely but very very lonely for a lone man, 
 Polly. 
 
 PERKINS. Lonely ! With all those cows, Mr. Wim- 
 bush. 
 
 FERGUS. Well, the cows don't talk &t least my cows 
 don't. And those cows happen to be steers and heifers 
 and calves and things. 
 
 PERKINS. Oh, I see that makes a difference, doesn't 
 it? 
 
 FERGUS. But you wouldn't like to be on a ranch in 
 Canada 
 
 (She looks up.) 
 
 Bobby tells me no self-respecting English parlourmaid 
 would look at a ranch sideways. 
 PERKINS. Master Bob said that, did he ? I can't
 
 94 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 conceive anything more glorious. (Hands photographs 
 back again.) 
 
 FERGUS. You can't. You're right. There isn't 
 anything more glorious. We hunt and work, and fish 
 and shoot, and in the winter there's miles of skating. 
 D'you skate ? 
 
 PERKINS. I love it but, of course, there's not much 
 chance for skating over here for a parlourmaid. 
 
 FERGUS (intensely. Almost clutching her hand). 
 Chance is everything, isn't it ? 
 
 PERKINS (cleverly). Y-e-s ! (Rising.) But, Mr. Bob 
 sent me to find his cigarette case. I wonder where it is. 
 
 FERGUS (earnestly). Polly I want to say something 
 to you something important. (Nervously.) It w 
 lovely out there in Canada. 
 
 PERKINS. I dare say. (A little nervously too.) I 
 suppose neighbours are not very plentiful ? 
 
 FERGUS. Not very, but then you're not pestered 
 with undesirable ones as you are here. And yet we're 
 only twenty-eight miles from a railway depot. 
 
 PERKINS (smiling gloriously). h ! Just a plea- 
 sant little walk. What do you do what do you do for 
 newspapers ? 
 
 FERGUS. We get them about once in two weeks, 
 when anybody happens to come along. 
 
 PERKINS. I see ! Perhaps you're a bit wobbly in 
 the commissariat department as well ! 
 
 FERGUS (with fervour). No, oh, no ! We lay in a 
 stock of groceries twice a year. 
 
 (PERKINS gasps with delicious naivete.) 
 
 Of course there's no difficulty about meat or poultry 
 or eggs. (As a merry surprise.) And we've got electric 
 light. 
 
 PERKINS. Wonderful! (Pause.) I suppose the post- 
 man calls occasionally, does he ? 
 
 FERGUS. No. We fetch mail from railhead whenever 
 we feel inclined. 
 
 PERKINS (her bubbling eyes very nearly give her away).
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 95 
 
 And what d'you do when you've got the hump ? 
 
 FERGUS (bravely). You never get the hump. 
 
 PERKINS. Don't you. (She has the greatest difficulty 
 to keep a sober face.) And what other attractions have 
 you ? 
 
 FERGUS (has spotted her touches of irony and now 
 counters by magnified earnestness). The attractions of a 
 real and glorious life that every man and woman was 
 intended by God to live. (His intensity has its effect, 
 all her foolery goes, and looking straight down the room 
 she listens as he pours his words into her ear.) When 
 you're tired you sleep, and there's no sleep under heaven 
 like ours. You eat because your body craves for food, 
 not because the clock chimes or the bell rings or the 
 band plays you sing because you have to sing, you 
 laugh because you must laugh or die and you 
 love because the stars are so low down they make 
 you love. (She darts her eyes proudly upon him.) That's 
 the picture. Life ! Every hour of the day or night. 
 Rich, real, glorious life. What d'you say to it ? 
 
 PERKINS. It's past belief ! It's past belief, that 
 any sober man or woman can go on living through these 
 insanities of ours when you can get your newspapers 
 only once in two weeks, your letters only when you 
 want them, your groceries twice a year, and be only 
 twenty-eight miles from the nearest railway depot. 
 (He doesn't see the glorious smile lurking round the alleys 
 of her mouth.) 
 
 FERGUS (frantic with suppressed joy). Then you'll 
 come ! you'll marry me, Polly, and return as my wife ? 
 
 PERKINS (her eyes opening wide). Your wife ! Is 
 that what you want ? 
 
 (PERKINS turns nervously.) 
 
 Oh, Mr. Wimbush, I'd I'd no idea you wanted 
 that. 
 
 FERGUS. Of course I want it. That's what I'm 
 stopping on here for. I want you. 
 
 PERKINS. But but what about Mrs. Calthorpe ? 
 
 FERGUS (maddened). Damn Mrs. Calthorpe.
 
 96 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 (Stuffing her fingers in her ears she gives a little shriek of 
 mock horror.) 
 
 (Again.) Damn Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 PERKINS. Yes but you've got to marry her first 
 even if you damn her afterwards. 
 
 FERGUS. Never ! I've done with Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 I've done with that cursed will, and the only gratitude 
 I bear my uncle is for the mighty chance of meeting you. 
 Nothing else matters to me. If you'll come back to 
 Benson's Flats, you'll make me the happiest man from 
 Montreal to Vancouver and I'll make you the happiest 
 woman on earth. You're worth a thousand millions, 
 and I just want you, Polly. 
 
 PERKINS (glorified, shaking her pretty head, touched by 
 his infinite love). N o ! It's impossible. I've sworn 
 you shall never marry Polly Perkins and you never 
 shall. 
 
 (With a groan of anguish he sinks on chair left of c. 
 table and drops his face to his hands.) 
 
 (Softly). Cheer up. Wait until you've met Leila 
 Calthorpe, just wait you've only got to tell her a 
 fraction of what you've told me and she'll marry you. 
 She will I promise it, and she'll make your life far 
 happier than Polly Perkins ever could. 
 
 (She waits, but he does not move.) 
 Heigho ! Where is that cigarette case ? 
 
 (He stiU does not move, craftily she lifts the hat and takes 
 up the case.) 
 
 (Opens and reads inscription.) " From Leila to Bobby." 
 (Peeping slyly across at him.) She's all over the shop, 
 ^sn't she ? (To door.) Do what you will you can't 
 get away from Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 (She turns, and as she slowly disappears she throws him a 
 bewitching little kiss from her finger tips, and the closing 
 of the door hides her laughing eyes. ROBERT and the 
 GIRLS are seen to pass the casement. Surreptitiously 
 ROBERT comes closer and peeps through the glass.)
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 97 
 
 EGBERT (pushing open the casement a few inches. 
 Sotto voce). All clear ? 
 
 FERGUS (darting up furious). Allclear! Come in, the 
 whole lot of you. All is as clear as crystal. 
 
 (The three come in rather terrified.} 
 
 I've got something to say to you, something that'll 
 please you mightily. You all know I'm in love with 
 Perkins, don't you? 
 
 ADA (amazed). Perkins ! (She looks at the others for 
 wrroboration.) 
 
 FERGUS. Yes, Perkins I've proposed to her asked 
 her to marry me, and you all thought no doubt she'd 
 jump at me, jump so mighty quick that I'd be bowled 
 over by the rush. Aha ! She's turned me down as 
 flat as a griddle cake. She says there's only one woman 
 in the world for me and for Alberta, and her name isn't 
 Perkins. 
 
 (Burn beams triumphantly.) 
 
 And I've a mighty fine notion that she's been got at 
 by all of you, and by you (at his sister KDTH) most of 
 ail. (Furious.) You think you've beaten me. Aha ! 
 you wait. (Roughly to door.) Just you wait. 
 
 (Exit FERGUS. All eyes on the exit.) 
 
 ADA (in a dream looking at RUTH. Incredulous). 
 Perkins ! is it true ? 
 
 RUTH (with great earnestness). I've learned in eight 
 days to have a high appreciation of English women. 
 But Perkins has astonished me, she's a fine creature, 
 and if it hadn't been for that insane will I'd have made 
 her accept him. 
 (Exit R UTH. For a moment ADA and ROBERT are baffled. ) 
 
 ADA (to ROBERT). Did you know he was in love with 
 Perkins ? 
 
 ROBERT (completely mystified). Yes I er I sus- 
 pected it, but I can't make it out what the dickens has 
 Bhe refused him for ? 
 
 a
 
 98 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ADA (starchily). What do you mean ? We don't 
 want him to marry Perkins. 
 
 ROBERT (blank, then gathering her meaning). No ! Of 
 course we don't. (A guffaw.) Not much. 
 
 ADA. Fancy all that money going to waifs and 
 strays. 
 
 ROBERT. Yes, fancy. Four million dollars why 
 it does me good even to say it. (A blank look. At ADA.) 
 You know your brother's an ass, but I know some one 
 who's criminally insane. (Another sigh.) Four million 
 dollars ! And here am I with a capital of two pounds 
 eight and a tourist's return half to London. 
 
 ADA (concerned). But, Bob dear that's not all 
 you've got. 
 
 ROBERT. Except a few debts. 
 
 ADA. And if Fergus and your cousin had made a 
 match of it, he was going to gii-e Ruth and me two 
 hundred and fifty thousand dollars each. (Naively). 
 That would have been enough to have started on, 
 wouldn't it ? 
 
 ROBERT. Besides what I could have earned. 
 
 ADA (dolefully). Could you earn much, Bobby ? 
 
 ROBERT. About sevenpence an hour 1 think as a 
 timekeeper, or companion to an elderly gentleman, with 
 the gout. 
 
 ADA. Oh, it's rotten luck. What's the good of 
 being in love at all for. 
 
 ROBERT. No good really, except to kill time. 
 
 ADA (piqued). D'you mean to say you'll never be in a 
 position to marry ? 
 
 ROBERT (plump). Never. 
 
 ADA. But I thought all English gentlemen who had 
 been to Oxford or Cambridge had plenty of money. 
 
 ROBERT (with a grim smile). Well, not all. You see 
 my mother had eleven of us and they're all doing fairly 
 well except me, and by some extraordinary freak of 
 fate I've got the artistic temperament of the entire 
 family. 
 
 ADA. What's that ? 
 
 ROBERT. What's what !
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 99 
 
 ADA. The er wLat you said. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh ! Well, when anybody wants to put a 
 new carpet in their spare bedroom, they invite me down 
 for a week-end. On Sunday they commence to talk 
 art, and by Monday morning they've sneaked all my 
 colour sense at the cost of a couple of cheap dinners and 
 a little weak tea. 
 
 ADA (innocently). And they don't pay you ? 
 
 ROBERT (uplifted). Pay I What ! A man with an 
 artistic temperament ? Oh, my dear ! (His hand to his 
 
 (Enter RUTH smartly.) 
 
 RUTH (coming o., unnerved and agitated). Fergus is 
 packing up. 
 
 ADA (tremulously). What's going to happen now ? 
 
 RUTH. Well, if he goes, we must go too. Anything 
 is better than to remain here. It can't be to any of our 
 interests to encourage a renewal of this ridiculous pro- 
 posal to Perkins. (To ROBERT.) Can it ? 
 
 ROBERT. Well er I'm rather in a delicate position. 
 
 RUTH. Indeed you are, Mr. Gilmour, and we recognize 
 that. 
 
 ROBERT. You know I advise masterly inactivity. 
 (Cryptically.) But if we were wise really wise we'd 
 send for Perkins. 
 
 RUTH (furious). That annoys me, Mr. Gilmour. I 
 have a very high opinion of Perkins, and I've already 
 dealt with her, but she's getting on my nerves. 
 
 ROBERT (quite unable to explain it). Well, of course 
 where ignorance is bliss it's folly to be wise. (Striking 
 an absurd dramatic attitude.) Unfortunately my tongue 
 is sealed. 
 
 (Enter FERGUS in travelling overcoat and Eomburg hat. 
 He marches hurriedly across.) 
 
 FERGUS (masterfully). Last train 7.39 can't catch 
 
 it. (To ROBERT.) What's the first in the morning ? 
 
 ROBERT. As a matter of fact, old man, it's the 5.22
 
 100 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 They call it the poultry train it's generally full of eggs, 
 clotted cream and ducks. 
 
 FERGUS. Ergh ! Sounds as if it might be my train, 
 doesn't it ? (To EUTH ruddy.) You're probably stay- 
 ing on ? 
 
 RUTH. We shall certainly not leave without paying 
 our personal compliments to Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 FERGUS. Bully ! A very excellent notion. 
 
 (He is actually going right out, but PERKINS enters with a 
 telegram on tray and he retreats. She takes telegram to 
 RUTH.) 
 
 PERKINS. The boy is waiting. 
 
 (RuTH tears open the envelope and glances quickly.) 
 
 PERKINS (speaking through door). Take your scooter 
 off the doorstep. 
 
 RUTH (reading it out rather excitedly). " Leaving 
 immediately for home, arriving about half -past seven, 
 Calthorpe." 
 
 (FERGUS has irritably turned his back. RUTH takes the 
 wire to him, ADA excitedly close up, ROBERT looks 
 naively round at PERKINS as if to say " What's the 
 meaning of this ? " PERKINS reassures him with a 
 pronounced wink and a finger on her lips. He doesn't 
 know a bit what she's up to, but he groans knowingly.) 
 
 RUTH (as she presents the wire to FERGUS). Would yon 
 like to see it ? 
 FERGUS. I should not. 
 RUTH (turning). No answer, Perkins, thank you. 
 
 (Exit PERKINS smartly.) 
 
 ROBERT (heroically). Now what have you to say ? 
 The first things Leila does is to explain her absence and 
 
 FERGUS (buttoning up his coat. Loftily). You will 
 make my apologies to Mrs. Calthorpe and say that I 
 deeply regret I was unable to remain and receive her 
 in person. (Snarling it out.) Giving a bit of her own 
 back.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 101 
 
 RUTH (firmly). We shall offer no apologies if you 
 dare to leave, and it's already gone half-past we shall 
 tell Mrs. Calthorpe the truth. 
 
 FERGUS. Well, that's more than she told us, any- 
 way. (Crossing.) I'll send a fly for my bag, and stay 
 the night at the station hotel. I wish you all a merry 
 evening. 
 
 ADA (darting to him and tearfully clutching his coat 
 like a distracted child). You shan't go, Fergus you 
 shan't go. (And she gets between him and the door. 
 There is a mild little scuffle.) 
 
 ROBERT (bravely). Look here, old man you're not 
 playing the game. 
 
 FERGUS (giving him a mighty glare). h ! 
 
 ROBERT. This sort of thing may be all right in Alberta, 
 but in this country we don't usually leave ladies in the 
 lurch. 
 
 FERGUS (freeing himself from ADA and facing ROBERT). 
 Don't you ! 
 
 ROBERT. My Cousin Leila is probably less anxious 
 to meet you than you are to meet her, but if you make 
 a fool of yourself and clear out now, you'll never cease 
 to regret it. 
 
 FERGUS (really ruffled). Hark at that now I I guess 
 you're standing in with Ruth. 
 
 ROBERT (warming up splendidly). There's no harm 
 in guessing what you like, but there's no need to be rude. 
 
 FERGUS. Rude, is it ? 
 
 ROBERT (putting it on in fine form). You've been 
 extremely rude. You've accepted the hospitality of my 
 cousin, and during her absence you've been making love 
 and proposing to one of her domestic servants. Now 
 that may be very romantic and very Canadian, but it's 
 also very cheap and it's a damned insult to us. (Re- 
 members the ladies and turns greatly incensed at himself.) 
 I beg your pardon I beg your pardon. (Hides his 
 flushing cheeks unlh his hands.) 
 
 RUTH (icily). No need for pardon, Mr. Gilmour 
 we quite agree with you, and this is a new aspect of the 
 matter altogether.
 
 102 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 ADA (clutching his arm tearfully). Bobby ! 
 ROBERT (bluffing splendidly). No, no, let's have this 
 thing out. 
 
 (ROBERT is humbugging ail through this scene and does 
 it with superb gusto.) 
 
 (At FERGUS.) You're a mighty find judge of women, 
 Fergus, but your Uncle Ben could make rings round you. 
 
 FERGUS (cynically enraged). Aha ! I like that im- 
 mensely ! Rings round me ! 
 
 ROBERT. And I'm going tc prove it. 
 
 FERGUS. Good ! I'm just nervous for the proof. 
 
 ROBERT. I'm as poor as a rat, but when I'm twenty- 
 five I come into a small invested fortune of five thousand 
 pounds. I'll bet you five thousand that you'll want 
 to marry Mrs. Calthorpe when you see her, and not 
 Polly Perkins. 
 
 FERGUS (beside himself). You'll do what ? 
 
 ROBERT (blandly to GIRLS). I think my offer was 
 perfectly clear ? 
 
 RUTH (with an air). Quite clear. 
 
 ADA. and simple. 
 
 FERGUS (incredulous). You'll bet me five thousand 
 pounds that I shall want your cousin in preference to 
 Miss Perkins. 
 
 ROBERT. Yes ! and another five thousand on the 
 nod ! that you do marry her. 
 
 FERGUS. You're not well, Robert you're trying to 
 induce me to take advantage of your youthful innocence. 
 
 ROBERT. Don't you bother about my innocence. 
 Is it a bet ? 
 
 FERGUS (gripping hands). Most emphatically. An 
 even ten thousand I marry your cousin. 
 
 ROBERT. No ! Oh, no ! Five thousand you want 
 to marry her, and five thousand you do. 
 
 FERGUS. Well, that's what I said. 
 
 ROBERT. Oh no, you didn't, sonny. She may turn 
 you down like Perkins did. 
 
 (Both GIRLS shriek with cynical laughter.)
 
 THE MAN PROM TORONTO. 103 
 
 FERGUS (hipped). Guess this thing has got you al 1 
 tickled. Very well I wait and see the lady. 
 
 (Enter MARTHA quite excitedly.) 
 
 MARTHA. The Mistress has just arrived, Mr. Bob. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (off in hall, smothering her voice into 
 an awful vulgar twang). Ask the taxi man what his 
 fare is, Martha, and give 'im a glass o' beer. 
 
 (The three WIMBUSHES horrified at the voice exchange 
 weird glances of dismay.) 
 
 RUTH (sotto voce). Good gracious ! 
 FERGUS. Aha ! The voice is as musical as the face 
 is sweet. 
 
 (ROBERT his back turned to them as he faces the door 
 waiting, grins largely and MRS. CALTHORPE enters, 
 hatted, coated and heavily veiled.} 
 
 ROBERT (rising to the situation with gusto). Leila ! 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (sotto voce). Introduce me ! 
 
 (ROBERT turns with her as MARTHA goes out.) 
 
 ROBERT (taking MRS. CALTHORPE up a pace). Miss 
 Wimbush, Mrs. Calthorpe. 
 
 RUTH (putting on a silly smile). How do you do ? 
 (Hand shaken.) 
 
 ROBERT. This is Ada Ada, Leila. 
 
 ADA (her hand out and not at all graciously). How d'y ou 
 do? 
 
 ROBERT. Fergus, m'hearty the forbidden fruit. 
 
 (He pushes MRS. CALTHORPE towards FERGUS. MRS. 
 CALTHORPE with a weird little gurgle gives him both her 
 hands, he shies, but takes them.) 
 
 FERGUS (with a look of amused disgust). Delighted 
 we were beginning to think the pleasure would never 
 come. 
 
 ROBERT. Rule Britannia ! And now I think we'd 
 better remove the camouflage. 
 
 (With a swift fooling movement evidently prearranged,
 
 104 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 he sweeps off the heavy veil of MRS. CALTHORPE'S hat, 
 exposing the ubiquitous PERKINS. The three WIM- 
 BUSHES astounded and for a moment gaze dumbfounded.} 
 
 RUTH. Polly ! 
 
 ADA. Perkins ! 
 
 FERGUS (sinking into armchair). My God ! 
 
 ROBERT (with a huge chuckle). Goddess, old man 
 goddess. (Smacking Urn on the back.) Won by a head. 
 Ten thousand to me, I think. 
 
 ADA (gathering her wits. In rapture). Then it's all 
 right. (A shriek.} Perkins you darling. 
 
 (She flies at her and flings her arms round her neck, until 
 ROBERT draws her away out of the picture.) 
 
 RUTH (quite outwitted). I I hardly know what to 
 say, except that I think, Mr. Gilmour, an explanation is 
 necessary. 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE (sweetly). So do I. Your Uncle Ben 
 was a dear old fellow but that will was not only vicious, 
 it was vindictive. I had no chance to prepare for Mr. 
 Wimbush as I ought to have had, and so I conceived the 
 idea of being my own parlourmaid, and my own judge 
 of character. (To RUTH, her voice softening.) I'd had 
 one experience of a faulty back axle and I wasn't making 
 any mistake with the next, not even for two million 
 dollars from Uncle Ben. Of course (trith sweet naivete, 
 peeping at the passive FERGUS) I've already refused 
 Fergus. (Sweetly to RUTH.) I had to, hadn't I and if 
 he asks me again I shall put a condition on my accept- 
 ance, that the half of your uncle's estate which was 
 bequeathed conditionally to me, must be divided uncondi- 
 tionally between you, (giving RUTH an angelic look) 
 and your sister. We cannot encourage men, even when 
 they're dead, to ignore their obligations. 
 
 ADA (in the background). Leila ! 
 
 (ROBERT represses her.) 
 
 MRS. CALTHORPE. And I'm quite sure the other half 
 is enough for any one residing (to FERGUS) what did you 
 say ? -twenty -eight miles from the nearest railway depot.
 
 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 105 
 
 (There is a pause. ADA comes close to MRS. CALTHORPE. 
 Everybody expects FERGUS to have something to say, 
 but he's immersed in a sickly grin.) 
 
 RUTH (sternly). Fergus ! 
 
 FERGUS (rising wearily). All very charming, and 
 sentimental. But I haven't been fooled, have I ! (Bang 
 at the whole crowd.) My leg hasn't been pulled, has it ? 
 
 (Consternation of the whole company.) 
 
 Uncle Ben and dear Cousin Leila don't score, do they ? 
 Ruth and Ada and Master Bobby don't get the pinch 
 on me, I guess ! Ergh ! Well, I do just like a joke, 
 and the joke here is, that I'm not proposing to marry 
 anybody. I'm through. 
 
 (And picking up h is hat with a merry chuckle which slowly 
 broadens into a delicious smile he passes four white 
 bewildered faces, to the door. Here he turns and laughs 
 on.) 
 
 (As he opens the door.) It strikes me somebody 
 hasn't won by a head he's been caught on the post 
 Aha ! Aha-ha-ha ! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 
 
 (Exit FERGUS. Every eyefocussed on him in amazement.) 
 
 ROBERT (scared out of his wits). And, by Jupiter, he 
 means it. (Pause.) 
 
 ADA (half a step to the door in a poor piping little 
 squeal). Fergus ! 
 
 (RuTH regaining her dignity marches to door and opens 
 it imperiously.) 
 
 RUTH. Fergus ! 
 
 (In the distance there is a weird little triumphant chuckle. 
 RUTH goes out swiftly, followed by ADA.) 
 
 ROBERT (bang in poor MRS. CAi/raoRPE's/ace. Resent- 
 fully). Overdone it. 
 
 (Exit ROBERT.) 
 (MBS. CALTHORPE stands c. dumbly gazing at the open
 
 106 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. 
 
 door. There is running upstairs and downstairs and 
 voices.) 
 
 ADA (off tearfully). Fergus dear ! 
 
 RUTH (off terrified). He's not upstairs. 
 
 ROBERT (off agitated). Did Mr. Wimbush go out at 
 the front door, Martha ? 
 
 MARTHA (off emphatic). I dunno where he's gorn 
 ain't I busy getting the dinner ? 
 
 (Bustle and hurrying effect off.) 
 
 (Round the open casement peeps FERGUS. He strains his 
 neck to catch a view of MRS. CALTHORPE. Beaming 
 with roguish joy and triumph he steals in behind her, 
 listening to the rumpus outside, then he taps her on the 
 shoulder. She turns with a sweet little shriek of alarm.) 
 
 FERGUS (fiendish). That's frightened 'em and I guess 
 you're looking a bit shivery, m'lady. 
 
 (Very sheepishly she fiddles with the buttons on his waist- 
 coat. He takes her cheeks in his hands.) 
 
 Polly oh, you little Polly I (They embrace rapturously.) 
 
 E.\D OF THE COMBDT.
 
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