Ex Libris C. K. OGDEN THE COMIC LINDLET MURRAY: OB, THE GRAMMAR OF GRAMMARS. THE COMIC LINDLEY MURRAY; OK, THE GRAMMAR OF GRAMMARS. WITH ILLUSTRATIVE SKETCHES. DUBLIN: A. MURRAY & CO., 79, DAME STREET, 1871. TO Sm GEORGE RALPH FETHERSTON, BART., OF ARDAGH HOUSE, THE MANSION IN WHICH OLIVER GOLDSMITH COMMITTED THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT, AFTERWARDS SO BEAUTIFULLY EMBODIED IN " SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER," h tnbul attempt 10 IS INSCRIBED, BY HIS SINCERE FRIEND, THE AUTHOR. INTRODUCTION. IN this age of progress, when the Educational question is agitating men's minds, every effort to elucidate the subject, whether in a serious or a comical aspect, should be hailed as a con- tribution to the general stock of information on this momentous matter. Whilst, like Gulliver, the Man-Mountain, Education, is making rapid strides, the humble attempt of the writer is to cause a body of Lilliputian witticisms to pass beneath his legs thus creating a laugh by the contrast of their insignificance with the gigantic being under whose shadow they perform their evolutions. In this view, criticism is disarmed, and the sneer of the Reviewer is converted into a smile, when meditating an assault on such small fry in fact, as the lawyers say, he is laughed out * of Court. The success of the Comic History of England, The Comic Blackstone, and other works which represent grave subjects in a humorous Viii INTRODUCTION. point of view, has emboldened the writer, how- ever imperfectly, to attempt the present little performance. The difficulty encountered must appear palpable to the smallest capacity, the sub- ject being very dry and uninteresting, and the play of humour being limited to words arising on the Examples, rather than the subjects, of Gram- mar ; an endeavour, in fact, to make a garden in an arid waste. Although appreciating the wit of Idea, in contradistinction to that of Words the former was closed against him by the necessity of the case ; but very possibly it may be urged that he had no right whatever to "Trench on Words "that he should not have written one syllable on the subject that, on the contrary, he should have been mute, the matters treated not being consonant to the spirit of the age. Some critic, in the Indicative mood, may point out these or similar objections; but the writer runs the usual risk, and trusts himself to the good- humoured consideration of a laughter-loving public. THE COMIC LINDLEY MURRAY; OB, THE GRAMMAR OF GRAMMARS. PREFATORY. THE well-known and useful work of the cele- brated Lindley Murray has been generally re- garded as a dry production. In the infancy of mankind it has not been known, but during the early ages it has exercised great influence. Lindley has, in fact, been looked on by the youth of the British Isles as a kind of Regent Murray. His Rules of Grammar do not excite the risible muscles, being too serious to be laughed at however, the writer, who looks at things in a lively point of view, lias found that even the dry roots 10 The Comic Lindley Murray ; of the English language may be found capable of producing some off -shoots of humour, and, in the following chapters, is desirous of presenting the Grammar in such a form as will not only render its study amusing, but also prove a graceful tribute to the memory of the gifted Grammarian. PART I. ORTHOGRAPHY. This branch of my subject (which springs from the aforesaid roots) teaches the nature and powers of letters, and the just method of spelling words and here I may observe that the nature of letters, asking loans of money, is obvious to the smallest- minded or meanest persons in the community, but their powers are not satisfactorily ascertained unless responded to by letters of credit, the letters, being generative in their nature, thus producing notes. Letters asking ladies in marriage are also powerful when answered affirmatively, or, in other words, when the replies consist of three letters. The just method of spelling words is not so com- Or, the Grammar of Grammars. 11 mon as persons suppose. Not being common it must be admitted to be proper. The male- sex signally fails in this branch. Poor Tom Tug gave it up in despair when he said : " Never more at Chelsea-ferry Shall your Thomas work a spell" Indeed, young men have been observed to make rough drafts of doubtful words on their blotting-sheets before incorporating them in the text of their compositions, and when the final step has been taken, they most sensibly underscore the agonising words, so that, if mis-spelt, they may pass as good jokes the saddest instance, in the writer's experience, is that of the unfortunate young man who spelt " Physician" with an F. Young ladies, on the contrary, are inimitable at Orthography their spells are perfect, and no joke, when they end in matrimony. It is now necessary to touch on letters, vowels, semi-vowelsy mutes, and consonants. With respe"ct to letters, I have already said so much, I shall 12 2 he Comic Lindley Murray; merely remark that as vowels are in fact letters, my observations on the latter will embrace the former. The popular vowels are the I. O. U., which, however, are not liquids, not being in- variably liquidated. If half the above vowels be paid, the remainder become semi-vowels. Ladies are very indifferent examples of mutes ; the best specimens are found at certain solemn processions, but I shall allow them to pass in silence. As to consonants, I shall say nothing of them, there not being anything in consonance with the humorous nature of my work. PART II. ETYMOLOGY. OF THE AKTICLE. An article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out, as a policeman, an eel, the woman but if I point out to a policeman a thief who has abstracted an article, the pointer (who is a setter) cannot be said to be an article. A man is an example, even if he has not an article of ornament attached to him, but he is not, on Or, TJie Grammar of Grammars. 13 this account, an example unworthy of imitation, if he wear a precious jewel in his head. The next is an eel thus a very slippery attorney is an article very difficult to take in hand, and though that class are not necessarily Cambridge students, they take up Ely residences. The best example is the woman : thus, when in love, a man says, " that's the woman for me." The word " ahead" does not, of necessity, denote an article ; but when I see over a shop, " Hair-brushing by steam," and exclaim "Well, that's steaming a Head," I at once recognise the article in full ope- ration ; however, I mention this fine grammatical distinction to prevent any confusion in the mind of the young student. There are various other articles, such as "articles of apprenticeship," the rules in respect of which are of a very binding character articles which the poor leave on tem- porary mortgage with monied relatives, who " Never blam'd them, never, But received them when they came." These latter must, however, be definite articles : otherwise the mortgage-money would be very 14 1 Tie Comic Lindley Murray ; indefinite indeed articles of vertu, which include, of course, ladies of excellent moral repute. The article is sometimes endowed with extraordinary power an eminent poet was killed by one, as Byron says : " Tis strange the mind, that very fiery particle, Should, like poor Keats, be snuffd out by an article." Nay, even the latest scenes of our existence are accompanied by the little prefix, as the old writers say, "Inarticulo mortis" which is about the last article of life. Having now given examples to an indefinite extent, I shall conclude with a definite illustration, " The more I examine it, the better I like it ;" and I trust the reader will say the same of this little work. OF THE SUBSTANTIVE. A Substantive or Noun is the name of any thing that exists, or of which we have any notion, as New York, Woman, Courage. Or, The Grammar of Grammars . 15 Thus, if a thing exists merely in the imagination, as " castles in the air," or " good intentions," there is nothing of a substantive character to be found there, though, as regards the latter, when they form paving-stones in a certain quarter, they, in effect, come round to substantives. New York has an existence, as all must admit who have the power of reckoning, guessing, or calculating. In that city, nouns, or rather " notions," are to be found in abundance, though an Englishman has no very clear notion of what they are. A shop full of " general assorted notions " is frequently seen throughout the Union. A man is poor in his collection of nouns or notions who, on being applied to for the loan of money, says, " I've no notion, Jack," thus adding insult to his gross ignorance ; however, it must be admitted he is not necessarily obliged to approve of the proposed investment ; but a more Chesterfield-mode of repelling his friend's advances (when declining his own) would have been, " My dear fellow, I'm not lending money at present." 16 The Comic Lindley Murray; Woman is the next example, and, if she weigh twentystone, she is truly substantive or substantial. Some etymologists hold that she is so called because she has been a woe to man ; but they must have been rusty-crusty-fusty old bachelors, who were crossed in love during the earlier stages of their unhappy existence, and of whom the descen- dants of Eve had most fortunate escapes. The beautiful words, commencing " Oh, woman, in our hours of ease,'* show the gallantry of the poet who drew her picture with great fidelity, not alone displaying, as she does, during our moments of relaxation, certain capricious proclivities, and being, at such times, exceedingly difficult to ma- nage, but also, when we get into hot water, bathing our feet and brows with angelic assiduity. How- ever, woman is most favorably exhibited in her household : with what readiness she acquires the " Art of Housekeeping," following, with true womanly instinct, the "Beeton" path of knowledge, but, noblest of all, shining as the great living exponent of "Home Rule;" and, although the Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 17 sneering student may, possibly, associate such rule with petticoat government, its loyalty is thus proved unquestionable when carried on under the auspices of Her Most Gracious Majesty. The third example is Courage. The most ce- lebrated exponents of this species of substantives are butchers, who largely exhibit in their stalls that form of courage denominated " pluck," with the finest specimens of the head and heart. Indeed, this class of the community practically prove what plucky fellows can do when they have a troublesome customer to meet. A substantive reaches its highest point of distinc- tion when found in company with an article : for example " Virtue," say Virtue the publisher, whose " Illustrations " are invariably found arm- in-arm with literary " articles," and, so advan- tageously, that Virtue rewarded is a necessary consequence. " Divorce " is an unfavorable ex- ample, on the other hand, and should never be found necessary, but tor the previous addition of B 18 The Comic Lindley Murray; marriage articles ; but here again the article steps in with considerable effect, for a divorce " a thoro " may be regarded as a thoro' divorce. Substantives are either proper or common. Proper such as Toby, London, Thames. There are exceptions, which grammatical wiseacres hold to be strong proofs of the validity of the Rule thus, if my son Toby should act indiscreetly, he would not be a proper fellow ; but if he be a genuine chip of the ancient piece of timber, he becomes the "propper" of the family. London is not invariably a proper city ; and the Thames, in the month of July, is not in proper odour. Common such as animal, race-horse, tree. A cat is a common animal, but the winner of the Derby is an uncommon one. A genealogical tree is common, and the " commoner " class culti- vate it extensively. A sizar in the University (although very meritorious) might be contemptu- ously designated a " common fellow ;'' but the son of a nobleman in the same University, it must be remembered, is a " fellow-commoner," Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 19 Common names may be used to signify indivi- duals by the addition of articles or pronouns, as ** 2 he boy is studious;" " That girl is discreet;" but there are certain articles, such as " chignons" which, if added to the girl, would throw consi- derable doubt on her discretion. Enough, how- ever, on that head, Before dismissing the subject of proper names, some examples must be given. A very striking one appears in the instance of the American young lady, Hannah- Maria-Rebecca-Sophia- Hazard- Wizard-Gizzard-Penelope Gardiner. This, however, is a compound proper name, of an alarming nature, and it appears not a little puz- zling how its owner got into the United State, of which she was the ornament at least the mar- riage ceremony must have been attended with much difficulty, and lengthened to a considerable extent. As a counterpoise for this Trans-Atlantic inconvenience, we present an Irish girl, who re- joiced in the name of " Mary- Anne- Leake-Hogan- Augustitia-Murray-Magrath Fitzgerald." The 20 TJie Comic Lindley Murray ; student must exercise his own judgment in deter- mining whether the above may be called proper names. The name " Mary Jane Winterbottom " appears, however, not to come strictly within the class of proper names. Shakspeare makes " a name " a matter of little moment. He rather con- temptuously says : " What's in a name ?" Had the " Immortal Bill " gone into a Bank, he would have changed his idea of the value of a name ; and, in this enlightened age, his opinion is not negotiable, and cannot, therefore, be endorsed. OF GENDER. Gender is the distinction of sex, viz., Masculine, feminine, and Neuter. Now, the distinction of the female sex is that it is eminently fascinating, and the great glory of civilisation is that the masculine hides its diminished head in presence of the Feminine in fact, that the lords are left nowhere, when the ladies of the Creation appear on the scene. There are other distinctions of " sects' 1 Or, Ike Grammar of Grammars. 21 which are very immaterial. If the heart be right, those little differences should not lead to separa- tions and divisions. The Masculine is sometimes converted into the Feminine, as, when a man does the female business of his household even to the purchase of stay- laces we say, "That's a regular Molly." The feminine is likewise changed into the masculine, as, for example, " The Girl of the Period," who becomes the able exponent of all manly exercises, and when the lady of the house becomes a major domo, and rules her lord, we say, " She wears the inexpressibles." The true examples of the femi- nine are " a woman, a duck ;" indeed, when the woman is especially lovely and amiable, these are synonymous terms. The Neuter gender denotes objects which are of neither of the former genders. Some substan- tives, naturally neuter, are, by a figure of speech, converted into one of the other genders. If, however, a man stands " neuter " whilst a husband 22 The Comic Lindley Murray ; is inflicting corporal chastisement on his own better -half, he may be said to possess an eminently feminine nature, but is never converted into the masculine, or, at least, the manly gender. OF NUMBER. Number is the consideration of an object, as, one or more. Thus, if we meet an object of cha- rity, and bestow our consideration on such, we do well ; if more than one, and do likewise, it is far better. Substantives are of two numbers, the singular and the plural ; thus, man being a substantive, we know several specimens of that department of Creation who are truly singular fellows ; and, as the singular expresses but one object, or, in other words, has only one object in view, the entire aim of those singular gentlemen is to render themselves ridiculous on all occasions. The plural looks to more objects than one. Take, for example, one of those young gentlemen Or, the Grammar of Grammars. 23 who pay their addresses to a score of young ladies contemporaneously. The objects of his " atten- tions" (but not, as some wit has observed, cf his " intentions ") are, clearly, of the plural number, and if he were to realise his multifarious engage- ments, he would be blest with a plurality of wives. Nouns ending in s, ch, sh, x, or o, form their plural by adding es ; thus, when a young gentle- man gets married to "a miss" (although there is nothing amiss in his doing so), she becomes his " misses," or when he takes a gentlemanly " glass 1 ' after dinner, and follows it up with innumerable " glasses/' he lays the foundation of his own ruin. When one matrimonial match is made, the con- tagion becoming general, the unfortunate " Ex- ample' is pluralised by sundry other " matches" but this may be regarded as a " Lowe " example, and not sufficiently dignified for a scholastic work like the present. " Bosh" and " Lush" do not take plurals with ease, the good "lush" at a Lord Mayor's feast becoming " luscious." " Fox " is turned into "foxes" which is very useful in the The Comic Lindley Murray ; hunting season, when that animal becomes multi- plied. Nouns ending in " y " change that letter into " ies" as " lady" " ladies" the " ies " being very important features in that interesting sex. Nouns ending in ff form their plural by adding " *;" thus if a " muff" be met in society, he is a bore, but if several " muffs" the nuisance is in- tolerable. " Penny" becomes " Pence,"" a fact strikingly illustrated by that little" book " How a Penny became a Thousand Pounds." OF CASE. The names of cases are nominative, possessive, and objective. The nominative expresses the name of a thing. Take a lawyer's-name, but lawyers (you will observe) are queer " things." Well, he is nominative send him your case, and he imme- diately becomes possessive, (for possession is nine points of the law) ; if, however, you do not send him his fee, he assumes a very objective attitude, being left without the object of his fondest wishes. Take a matrimonial Case', the lover succeeds in Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 25 his suit, and becoming possessive, his happiness is complete. On the other hand, a disappointed suitor, "who fails in becoming possessive, loses an " intended" possession (and, possibly, his own self- possession), and the intelligent student will at once perceive, that the Case is entirely altered, when the fair object of his affections becomes decidedly objective. OF PRONOUNS, A pronoun is a word used instead of a Noun to avoid the too frequent repetition of the same word. There are three kinds personal) relative, and adjective pronouns. Personal. For example : " / am an amiable fellow ;" " TIwu art a scoundrel ;" these are truly personal. I need not here treat of the cases of personal pronouns which, being dry goods, are not sufficiently marketable. Relative. Aristotle gravely lays it down that relatives are related, in which philosophical obser- vation I fully concur, but if my uncle's son should 26 The Comic Lindley Murray ; cozen me out of my property, I cease to recognise the relation any further. The Queen's numerous German cousins may be, to a considerable extent, her cousins-german, which is the same thing. " Modesty is a quality taht highly adorns a woman," is a very good general observation, but this quality is not a characteristic of " The Girl of the Period." Adjective. These pronouns are of a mixed na- ture, like punch, but the distributive, in reference to that classical institution, is the most worthy of note : if, however, one's friend should become too possessive of the "grammatical materials,'' he spee- dily assumes the demonstrative, and carries on his performances to an indefinite extent. In the sen- tence " every man must account for himself," there is a fine instance of a distributive pronoun, but the friend alluded to might find this task very difficult of accomplishment. OF ADJECTIVES. An Adjective is a word added to a substantive, Or, Ilie Grammar of Grammars. 27 to express its quality, as good wine; when, however, one sees in shop-windows " excellent dinner Sherry at twelve shillings per dozen," a grosser trick cannot be well conceived, and the street-lounger should give the go-by to such seductive announce- ments. All good music admits of " variations," and, in this respect, differs from the adjective which only admits one, viz. : that of the degrees of comparison. I now find, like a College-man, I am getting on by degrees, and although all kinds of comparisons are odious, I am positive (speaking comparatively of works of this description) the Comic Lindley Murray will occupy a superlative position in public estimation. I shall give some miscellaneous examples of ad- jectives, and also of their variation by degrees. Orange and Green buried under the white robe of love. The Great Exhibition Palace, which will prove a great credit to Old Ireland. 28 The Comic Lindley Murray ; An industrious man. An excellent brewery. A benevolent mind. These are five inimitable examples of adjectives of the right sort, and as an illustration of their be- neficial tendency, I propose to relax, over a verse or two, a species of composition to which I am not at all averse ; and in this, as in my previous efforts, I shall devote myself to a Muse. And now I'll take a little rest, My labours are so trying, And give you what may be, at best, But only versifying ; Perchance my book may do you good, For I address all " classes ;" Yes, trust me, truly, if I could, I would improve the masses. Yon have observed my latest lines Of choice and worthy samples ; There's one who in himself combines Those excellent Examples : He loves his fellow-man, indeed, However low his station ; And seeks (no matter what his creed) His social elevation. Or, The Grammar of Grammars. How happy in our " Irish Times " Appear his recent doin's ; Beneath his touch our Palace springs, A Phoenix from her ruins : Brave Bark of Art and Industry. Sir Arthur steers you safely, With prosp'iing winds, and helm &-Lee, You come to harbour bravely. Within that ancient Dublin town I fondly would allure ye, To take a glance at what has grown A most enormous Brewery : In liquid notes, I'll sing its praise, In Double X potation, And hold it to the public gaze, A credit to the nation. With fortune blest, and joyous hearts, Beating so warmly round him, The lovely " Peri of the West " In happy moment found him : Worth unto beauteous worth allied, When seen, shall ever win us ; Depart "JBrotcn Stout," your name's gone out, Here's "Ladv Olive Guinness," 30 The Comic Lindley Murray ; Some other specimen of adjectives may be given, selected from the legal profession, viz., " Lofty Cairns " to be found on the top of a mountain, or in an elevated position on the wool- sack ; Black-stone, on which tl Commentaries " will be superfluous, and White-side, eloquent and witty. The Examples I have just given are all illustrative of the positively good degree. The positive state expresses the quality of an object, as good, bad; thus, when my wife speaks to the mermaid or fish-woman, who supplies us with the finny tribe for our table, and says, " that's bad fish," she forms a decided opinion on the subject which no argument can controvert, and gets into, what I call, the decidedly positive state. If I, then, am converted into a species of compa- rative degree, and gently insinuate that the fish is better than it looks, I increase the positive in my better-half in signification, or, at least, in sig- nificancy ; but the superlative degree increases her positiveness to the highest or most alarming pitch, Or, the Grammar of Grammars. 31 if I venture to assert that the fish already referred to is of the best quality. The word rather is very properly used to ex- press a small degree or excess of a quality, as, *' She is rather profuse in her expenses ;'' but this example is not at all applicable to the economical house- wife already indicated. The young gentle- men of the present day use this word in a very equivocal manner when asked such questions as the following : " My dear Charley, are you really in love with the charming Mary Matilda ?" the reply being generally " rather" with the fore- finger of the right-hand knowingly placed at the side of the nasal protuberance. Wether -millstone is a positive expression, as also " My eldest son's nether garments require repair;" but these are honored as much in the " breech " as in the observance. If, however, I am of a superlative turn of mind, and direct my youngest son's nether- most garments to be renovated, the rents of his hose become a source of revenue to his industrious sisters. 32 The Comic Lindley Murray; On the subject of comparison some remarks may be made if we consider this important subject attentively, bearing in mind that its degrees are infinite, or, at least, indefinite. Thus, " a mountain is larger than a mite" is a mighty truth ; it is per- ceptible to the smallest, or, in fact, the most mity- intelligence. By how many degrees was Henry VI II wiser than Brigham Young'? Upon my sincere word, this question is not easy of solution, although grammarians hold that definite answers can be given to such questions. Both those great men must have been Columbians, for they have been attached to the United States on very extensive scales. Or, T/ie Grammar of Grammars. 33 And now, as the student may possibly have grown weary of the lessons I have given him, in my character of pedagogue, I propose to indulge him with a little period of relaxation from such studies, by the introduction of some playful sketches. " All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy," is a trite remark. The bow, if too much bent, may snap ; and, like Doctor O'Toole, I may observe, it is " a part of my system," by well-timed indulgence, to amuse my pupils occa- sionally, and cause them, in after years, to look back on the teachings of their old master, as asso- ciated with " green spots," and " sunny memories," The best books are those which amuse whilst they instruct; and, as I wish to give practical effect to my principles, I now proceed to tell the pupils a little story, of a sensational kind. 34 Tlie Comic Lindley Murray ; ILLUSTEATIONS OF THE SEVERAL PARTS OF SPEECH. No. 1. THE SILVER-HANDLED LATHERING-BRUSH. My friend Jack Laffan was a descendant of one of the oldest families in Connaught. With a fine hereditary estate, a cheerful and good-humoured disposition, a heart brimful of hospitality, and a countenance in which his name was truthfully pourtrayed, he possessed all the qualifications which obtain for their fortunate owner the repu- tation of " a capital fellow." At a social party, in which the sexes were about equally represented, I had the good fortune to be present one evening, and my friend Jack occupied no unimportant place amongst the guests. He united varied powers of amusing in his own person, and, after perambulating a perfect " Gal- lery of Comicalities,'' and going through various evolutions in music, in which the most laughable Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 35 feature was his imitation on the violin of an Irish nurse endeavoring to quiet an unquiet baby, accompanied by the usual cajolings and endear- ments which babies only understand, the amuse- ments of the evening took the agreeable form of story -telling. Some of the guests had made what a Cockney would call " hexcellent hattempts " in this department of social relaxation, when all eyes were turned on my friend, who felt he was in for it, and commenced as follows : JACK'S STOKY. When I was a young man, passing through that famous seat of learning, Trinity College, Dublin, but not, however, in my progress, stopping to learn anything, as a gold medal-man subsequently remarked, I sojourned at the quiet mansion of my aunt, in the neighbourhood of Salt Hill, and as the old lady considered I was not sufficiently advanced in " Ethics " to entrust me with a latch- key, I made arrangements with the proprietor of a metropolitan hotel for the occupation of a bed- 36 The Comic Lindley Murray ; room whenever I should come to town. Well, this was rather a profitable thing for mine host, as my visits bore a greater resemblance to " All the Year Round " than " Once-a-week." I had a good many important works to get through, viz. : Opera Italiana (Grisi and Mario's Edition), Evolu- tions on the Human Understanding (in the study of which I invariably required a " chum"), " Bur- ton Bindon on Bivalves," (a very curious book in a special department of Natural History, the study of which is so interesting, that it is prolonged by students till past midnight), and Works principally conversant with Social and Musical science the latter " in scores " forming a large portion of my library. Well, as I was saying, I arranged for a bed-room, and at once entered into possession. Now I ask your serious attention to this part of my story : Under my bed (here a cough inter- rupted Jack's story, and I observed a tittering amongst the young ladies) I had a very large portmanteau (continued Jack), in which I kept my clothes, directing my washer-woman to take O, the Grammar of Grammars. 37 the soiled articles thereout, and replace them with the clean ones, which was generally done on Saturday, and from this circumstance the " day and duds " were usually designated " the close of the week." It was about a month after making my hotel arrangement, I was breakfasting in the Coffee-room, when I observed a strange and foreign-looking man walking up and down the room, eyeing me from time to time with a savage ferocity of expression. Not at all liking this sort of surveillance, I asked the individual what he meant by his attentions. " Give me my silver- handled lathering-brush," said the stranger, "and I'll forgive you." " Forgive me," cried I, " for what pray?" " Simply this," said he, " you stole my silver-handled lathering-brush, which has been in my family for the last hundred years, and if you do not at once give it up, I shall expose you." I was indignant, and with great difficulty restrained myself from putting him into the street by a more summary process than that usually applied to the frequenters of the hotel. I, therefore, contented 38 The Comic Lindley Murray ; myself with demanding an explanation, when the dark and mysterious stranger, in the most violent manner and in presence of several persons of note, fiercely charged me with appropriating to my own use the celebrated heir-loom of his family; "and not only did you take that," said he, ' but the very shirt on your back is mine ; so now, deliver up the lathering-brush, or by the living jingo " (these were his exact words), " I'll bring in a policeman, and have you brought before the magistrate on a charge of robbery so, once more, I say, give up the silver-handled lathering-brush," Rage pos- sessed me, fury seized me, but it occurred to my mind, though much confused at the moment, that I should at once proceed to give satisfactory proof that the inner garment, which then encased my person, was not the property of this horrible man. I, therefore, called in the proprietor of the hotel, and mentioned the circumstances already stated to him, and proposed to retire to an adjoining alcove in the coffee-room, and there satisfy him by personal examination, that the charge against Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 39 me, as to the shirt, was utterly groundless. Suffice it to say, that in one moment the name " George Washington Scroggins " appeared in large letters under the waist-band of the unfortunate garment. " Why," said the landlord, " that is the name of the American gentleman in the Coffee-room." I was thunder-struck the proof was complete. There was I, destined to disgrace my family, and to be transported as a common felon : a cold per- spiration overspread me : the triumph of the Yan- kee knew no bounds and the landlord was indig- nant that such an act should have been committed in his establishment. My own personal friends, who were present, avoided me, as if I had been a plague a policeman was called in (a Mr. Smith, a fat, but courteous, officer) who went through his painful duty in the least distressing manner. On the way to the Police court the Yankee vociferated loudly about his lathering- brush, and gathered a great crowd of street- urchins around me. I was hurried before a very worthy magistrate, with whom I had been on 40 TJie Comic Lindley Murray ; terms of friendship, and felt some confidence I could give him such explanations as would satisfy him of my innocence, or at least obtain a remand for the purpose of further inquiry. But at present, behold me- the eldest hope of an ancient and worthy family side by side with drunkards men with broken noses and black eyes unhappy mothers charging scoundrel-hus- bands poor little children taken up for petty larcenies fallen daughters of Eve, and street robbers and burglars. Oh I what was I to do ? there seemed no hope for me. The magistrate looking sternly, as if he had never seen me before, treated the case as an ordinary one of robbery. At last, after many protestations of my innocence, and that I was sure if his worship would give me an opportunity of producing my washer-woman, I would satisfy him that the charge was without foundation ; he, with the greatest difficulty, per- mitted me, for one hour only, to go in search of the woman, whose name was Biddy Mulligan. I bounded off through half the back-lanes of the Or, TJie Grammar of Grammars. 41 metropolis, scouring them in all directions (indeed they required it much), and frantically carried on the pursuit of the important witness, but I could not find her my labours were fruitless, and weary and heart-broken, with the full tide of deso- lation sweeping through my heart, I sought my hotel as a last resource I had transgressed the time granted me by the magistrate, and heard the tramp of six policemen at my heels, who must have been commissioned to secure my capture weak and exhausted I fell on the hotel steps in a .*. ***.* swoon. * * # * Overcome by the recital, the story-teller paused, he gasped for breath, and seemed not to have any intention of going further. The silence became intense, when three young ladies, moved by that curiosity which is so peculiar to their sex, cried out "Oh, Mr. Laffan, how did the trial end?" * * * " I awoke ; it was all a dream," said Jack, amidst roars of laughter. 42 The Comic Lindley Murray ; OF VERBS. A verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer ; as, 1 am, 1 rule, I am ruled. If 1 govern my household, I rule. If henpecked, I am ruled. A mock auctioneer represents the verb to do. If I purchase, I am done. Verbs are of three kinds Active, Passive and Neuter. They are also divided into Regular, Irregular and Defective. A verb active expresses an action, and neces- sarily implies an agent, and an object acted upon, as " to love." " I love Mary Jane." But it would not answer to put this active verb into practice by means of agency or proxy, as in the case of the gentleman who deputed a friend to make love in his name to a lady of beauty and fortune ; the agent on the occasion being more attractive than the principal, and eloquently expatiating on the merits of the absent one, the lady asked him if he had nothing to urge on his own behalf, where- upon the agent became really " active," and Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 43 carried off the object acted on. A verb passive expresses a passion or a suffering lovers patro- nise passive verbs very extensively, and are rejoiced when they can say " I am loved." " Pene- lope is loved by me." Care should be taken not to give a penny-loaf pronunciation to this young lady's classical name. " I am affected with the tooth-ache" is an example of suffering. Painless dentistry is recommended, and the patient or sufferer must be u passive," in the hands of the dental operator, who is frequently a man of good family, or, at least, as has been said, of good 11 extraction." A verb neuter is a most unsatisfactory species of verb. It is not active nor passive in fact, it is neither one thing nor the other. The most plea- sing example is "I sleep;" the time passes very pleasantly, whilst this neuter verb is active. Auxiliary or helping verbs do not assist me much in their elucidation. Like a young lady at the pianoforte, they get on well with their varia- 44 The Comic Lindley Murray ; tions, but do not aid much in the " play " upon words. To verbs belong number, person, mood^ and tense. In each number there are three per- sons a fine instance of this is found in the picture of the two donkeys, called "When shall we three meet again," The student must not regard the writer as the third person. Mood is another word for mode : thus we say, " She is in the mode," as being the most fashionable or I am in a funny mood, if disposed for hilarity. The Potential mood is worthy of note : thus the " Governor," or, as he is called, " the Relieving Officer," is always in the potential mood, having complete power over the supplies. The Impera- tive mood is well developed in the person of a fine commanding woman, who has her own way. I do not observe on the other classes of verbs, not approving of anything irregular, or placing before my pupils defective examples. I have now rewarded the diligent student with a repast on this portion of grammar, and if he be a vegetarian, Or, the Grammar of Grammars. 45 he must have enjoyed his dinner of "verbs" very much. I shall pass over Adverbs, Prepositions, Conjunc- tions, and Interjections, with a few observations and examples. An adverb is a part of speech joined to a verb to express some quality thus the student is expected to say of the writer of the present work "he writes very correctly, he is a truly good fellow." A forcible instance of an adverb occurs in the testimonials given by an Irish gentleman to his man-servant, when discharging him : " I certify that the bearer John Thomas lived in my service for the last live years, during which time he was occasionally sober." The preposition above is not applicable to John Thomas thus, if I say " he is above disguise," it would not be correct, as the fellow has been so frequently "disguised" in liquor. "To" is a preposition often used, but it is very puzzling to foreigners. Thus, a Frenchman asks at one whist- 46 The Comic Lindley Murray ; table " how goes jour game ?" The reply is, " we're two to two." He then turns to another, and, to the same question he receives the answer " we're two to two, too," whereupon he exclaims *' what a country, what a peoples ! " But fo- reigners sometimes introduce prepositions in a most ludicrous manner. Thus a German, proposing his host's health, uses bad English, or, I should rather say, bad language, in the following elegant ex- pression. " You goatha-hel, and all your gooth family." Conjunctions are a kind of coupling, or dis- joining, sort of agents. Thus, the union of the Parliaments of England and Ireland was a very bad junction, or conjunction, for the latter but the disjunctive process is going on experimentally. Interjections are words thrown in to express our passions or emotions they are often used in the first assembly of gentlemen in Europe, a description applied to the English House of Com- Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 47 mons cries of " Oh ! oh ! '' and other rude language, being frequently heard during the Parliamentary debates. With young gentlemen, the favorite interjec- tion is, Alas! the interjection here has a femi- nine signification. It takes a masculine form in the sentence, " Alas, poor Yorick," who was a Fellow of the Infinite Jest and other social and amusing societies. 48 The Comic Lindley Murray ; ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE SEVERAL PARTS OP SPEECH. No. 2. THE CAPTAIN AND FAT M'GOGARTT. I am a half-pay officer, and after leaving the army, took up my residence in various places, being of a rambling and restless disposition. Fre- quent changes of location, of course, often brought me into contact with strange and amusing cha- racters. I have a small property, which came to me as I quitted military life, and I was, moreover, of an industrious turn of mind, although not re- maining sufficiently long in any one place to reap substantial benefit from the ingenuity of my plans, and the laborious physical exertion necessary to develope them. The half-pay which I received from the Royal Quadruped Regiment (Her Ma- jesty's 4th Foot), was not sufficient, as Tom Hood felicitously observed, to half-pay my debts, so Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 49 that it was well the accessories before mentioned brought in supplies to the relief of my semi- victualled fortress, which was besieged by a horde of remorseless duns, who fought with " bills," and threatened to carry their villanious designs against my person into " execution." Long after I had endured one of the sharpest attacks of this nature, chance threw in my way one Pat McGogarty, an Irishman by birth, education and drollery, and who afterwards became my com- panion, friend and attendant distinguished equally, in my estimation, for his warmth of feel- ing and impulsiveness, as for his fidelity in the performance of the duties entrusted to him ; and here it may be said, that some of the best and most enduring friendships I have formed, have originated in some trivial or accidental circum- stance some fortunate conjuncture, or, to use a grammatical word, conjunction, when the high contracting parties to a treaty of Friendship, pos- sessing, of course, the usual affinities, meet each other : D 50 7he Comic Lindley Murray ; As motes upon the waves of ocean cast, Toss'd by the -waters whirled by the blast ; So we upon Life's agitated sea, Brought near by Nature's true affinity : Each to the other link'd we cannot part ; Attraction's laws bind motes as heart to heart Henceforth the storms of life, the seething tide, Can never rend us from each other's side. But this is a digression. As already stated, an accidental circumstance brought about my ac- quaintance with Pat, and it happened in the following manner : There was a large market- town in England, a few miles distant from my residence, whither I had gone on some busi- ness connected with my farming operations ; a crowd had gathered at the end of one of the principal streets, and observing much excitement amongst the people, I approached. There was a regular stand-up fight between two young men, one of whom was well-known in the town for his intemperate habits, and the other for his advocacy and practice of temperanca The row originated in a discussion on the relative merits of the two Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 51 systems. One of the crowd, who made himself more conspicuous than the rest, by gesture and vociferation, was a small, round-faced, and good- humoured, but elderly man ; he certainly took a warm interest in the belligerent proceedings ; and as the intemperate youth would at one time gain an advantage over his opponent, this individual would mark his approbation by the most humour- ous Irish expressions. When the tables were turned, and the champion of temperance was in the ascendant, he was equally felicitous and enthu- siastic in his praises of the latter. By some strange fatuity I became interested in this curious " backer," and (after the chivalrous exponent of temperance principles had left the battle-ground in the midst of a circle of admiring friends), I entered into conversation with him, and finding him of a very cheerful and happy disposition, united to much intelligence, I began to take a fancy to him. After we had conversed for some time, as we walked along towards my residence, I asked him if he would take some refreshment, 52 The Comic Lindley Murray ; whereupon he replied in the interrogative, Irish style, " Would a duck swim ?" by which I was given to understand that that aquatic bird would not take more naturally to the water than my new friend to some element more potent. I then said, " Which would you prefer, a glass of grog, a glass of whiskey, or a glass of punch? " " Well, your honor," said he, " I'll lake the whiskey, and you can be mixin* the punch, while I'm drinldri the grog." The humorous expression and assumed simplicity, which accompanied these replies, were quite irresistible, and increased my interest in the poor fellow. To do him justice, he did not partake of the three sources of refreshment I have indicated, but he dearly loved his joke, and would not forego it for the world. I interrogated him as to his past engagements, and told him if he could procure satisfactory references as to his conduct and character, I would take him into my employ- ment, as he appeared to have no settled pursuit Or, the Grammar of Grammars. at the time. The parties referred to having tes- tified to Pat's correctness, I installed him into office as my general " man " and manager, and I had no reason to regret it. Sometimes he would come into collision with workmen and others, but he had a good-humoured way of getting out of every dilemma, known only to Irishmen. Thus, one day, I overheard a farmer give Pat the lie ; whereupon he replied. " Do you mane that as a joke, or are you in earnest ?" '* I'm in ear- nest," said the farmer, " I'm glad of it," re- joined Pat, :> for I don't like such jokes" the threatened row thus going off at a tangent on a hearty laugh. Although his education was good, he had some strange modes of pronunciation and expression, and his accent was mellifluous. Thus, he always called me "The Capting." If he spoke of a poplar tree, he would call it " a popular tree ;" if he wanted a pair of shoes repaired, he would send them to the " cobbuler ;" and if he wished to take a glass of punch, he invariably called it a " tumbuler." One evening I drew 54 The Comic Lindley Murray ; him out as to his past life, and he gave me the following short sketch : PATS STOKY. I was born in the county of Cork, where John Philpot Curran, and other great Irishmen, first drew breath ah, sir, we had giants in them times, not like the pippin-squeezers of the present day. The fruits of eloquence and wit grew on a Curran-Bushe stem their oratory was of a Saurin kind and Grattan and Plunket, who succeeded the great Burke and Sheridan, left their enemies nowhere. Still, we have a few fine fellows left, who do credit to the ould country. I got my education in a small country school ; I was very poor and careless, but was always jolly and good- humoured a sort of Irish Mark Tapley and after various ups and downs, I found myself, in my eighteenth year, standing on the quay of Cork, in a very penniless and forlorn condition, when a circumstance of a strange kind occurred, which 0r, the Grammar of Grammars. 55 greatly altered my fortunes. I'm sure, sir, you have heard of the celebrated Eastern Prince, who was afflicted with what they call " ong-wee " that is, a disease, sir, caused by not having any- thing to do. Well, this Prince, with all his wealth, had no comfort or happiness in life, at all, and it became necessary for him to ex- change out of " the Blues" and alter his Regimen'. The king, his father, took it so much to heart, he called all the Wise-men and Astrologers together, " in consultation," as the lawyers say when some knotty piont is to be considered, and directed them to make out some remedy for the Prince's malady. The " palaver " accordingly, came off, and the wise plan, hit upon by the sages, was, that the Prince should travel into distant countries until he should meet a man not possessed of a shirt, and that if he was fortunate enough to meet this happy fellow, his disease would at once depart. In vain the Prince travelled the four quarters of the globe without finding the object of his wishes when a bright thought occurred to 56 The Comic Lindley Murray ; him that he would try one of the " hind quarters," (for Ireland, you see, sir, has been in a backward state since Castlereagh meddled with her Par- liament), and he at once proceeded to the Emerald Isle. It was at the exact moment when he was landing on the quay of Cork that I met him. He looked at me hard I was, at the time, possessed of those ventilating garments through which " the wind most beautifully blows," and I wasn't troubled with anything half so hard as "leather on my toes." He cast a piercing look at me saw at a glance I had no shirt, and exclaimed " Eureka " 1 have him at last and embraced me in the Eastern fashion. I should mention that the celebrated " Eureka Shirt " takes its name from this circumstance. Well, sir, I found myself suddenly in the lap of luxury, and that the Prince was a most agreeable man ; who spoke all languages, and thoroughly enjoyed an Irish joke. I kept him in a state of constant merriment ; and in some months after, he returned to his country perfectly cured a wiser and happier man. Of Or, the Grammar of Grammars. 57 course, he made me a handsome present, when leaving the shores of Old Ireland, and this kept me up for many a day. I had a great many ad- ventures after the departure of my Oriental friend or, as I called him always, the " Great Eastern," and after employing a good many masters, from time to time, some agreeable, and some quite the reverse, I at length fell into the hands of your honor, Capting ; and as my lips are very much parched, I'll drink your health in a " tum- buler of punch." 58 The Comic Lindley Murray ; PART III. SYNTAX. The third part of Grammar is Syntax, which shows the agreement and right disposition of words. Right dispositions should be invariably encouraged. The celebrated Doctor Syntax, though an eccentric character, appears to have had dispositions of the right kind during his Tour. Syntax treats of sentences, which are assemblages of words ranged in proper order. The House of Commons is a representative assemblage of words merely. When ranged in proper order, the entire credit should be given to that much more intelli- gent body the Members of the Press. Syntax principally consists of two parts Con- cord and Government. Concord amongst the Irish people, and Home-Government, would present two very beautiful examples. Concord means agree- ment, and Government, power. Acting on the Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 59 principle already mentioned, I now give the student ILLUSTRATION No. III. THE EXCISEMAN OUTWITTED. A SKETCH OF STILL-LIFE. Thaddeus O'Malley, Esquire, J.P., was a very popular gentleman, residing in a sporting county west of the Shannon. His cellar was always well supplied with wines, brandies, and a good stock of genuine " Potheen," the wines being of the first vintages, and the illicit " drinkable " of the most undoubted barley of which favorite liquor he took great pains to get the very best " brands." About thirty years since, when a young man, he was in the habit of travelling from Boyle to Dublin, and vice-versa. The guard of the day-coach McCluskey a man universally esteemed for his good- humour and civility was, as usual, the tra- velling companion of our friend, and between them a perfect friendship and harmony existed, cemented, as it was, by many acts of kindness on 60 The Comic Lindley Murray ; the one side, and grateful services on the other. Both parties played well on the cornopean, and their united performances enlivened one's journey at a time when travelling was really pleasant, and when there was none of that hurry- skurry of rapid locomotion, or danger of what Brother Jonathan would designate as " almighty smashes" on our Railway lines. On a previous journey, our friend, under the guidance of the Guard, had made arrangements with a bare-legged spirit-merchant of the mountains, to meet the coach at a certain village, with a seven-gallon keg of the " native" nicely stowed away in a sack, and, now as the coach passed through, the sack was lifted on and placed on the top of the luggage. All went well, and our friend and the Guard were in " high spirits," when on entering a small town, an Excise-officer (who had received infor- mation privately) joined as a passenger, taking his seat on the coach. " We're done," said the Guard to our friend, in a whisper. A cold and generally pervading perspiration was the only Or, the Grammar of Grammars. 61 response; but the invincible McCluskey was as cool as a cucumber, and having been at the time occupied arranging his pipe and tobacco for a smoke, went on with the operation as if nothing unusual had occurred. Presently, the Guard, in a sotto voce conversation with our friend, which he took care should reach the ear of the Exciseman, referred to the important circumstance of his having the illicit whiskey on the coach, and the Exciseman having intimated that he knew " all," the Guard said aloud glancing at a large box alongside him, " I have a seven-gallon keg of potheen on the coach ; but sure, sir," said he, looking at the officer, " you won't destroy me and my long family." " McCluskey," said the officer, " you are much respected on this road ; but you know, I have a duty to her Majesty, and I must do it." " Oh, sir," implored the Guard, " I'm sure you won't ruin me." " Can't help it," rejoined the officer ; "my duty is im- perative." Now it happened that the Assistant-Barrister, 62 Tlie Comic Lindley Murray ; or County Judge, was an inside passenger, and, his Sessions having just then terminated, he was returning to town, with a large box of hams on the top of the coach, which old French usually brought home after his quarterly " progress " through the county. The coach arriving at the town of Longford for breakfast, the period of the intended capture approached, and the Guard pointed to the box of hams as the place of concealment of the ll mountain dew." " I seize this box, in the Queen's name," said the officer, (as the coach stopped), and kept his eye fixed on his prize. Great was the commotion, and forth- with the box was taken down for examination. Meantime, the Guard gave a significant wink to one of the " helps" to remove the sack, which was soon out of reach of her Majesty's Revenue depart- ment. Shortly afterwards the Guard intimated to old French, who was engaged at breakfast in the hotel, that there was a blackguard outside rummaging his box the hams at this time strew- ing the street for many yards around and this Or, TJie Grammar of Grammars. 63 report brought the old gentleman, gaiters and all, to the scene of action. No description can ade- quately convey the language of vituperation lavished by her Majesty's Judge on her officer of Revenue, for his interference with his private property. The officer, in self-defence, threw the blame on the Guard, as having misled him. The Judge at once compelled the officer to replace the hams, which occupied a considerable time. Crest-fallen, the gauger beat a retreat, whisper- ing in the ear of the delighted Guard, "I'm done." " I calculate you are," said the Guard. " But here, McCluskey, take this sovereign, and don't tell this story to any one," " No," said the Guard, pocketing the money, "you may rely on me, till I meet the next man." Off went the coach the incident gave the passengers seve- ral miles of laughter, and the hilarity of O'Malley and the Guard had no cessation till the coach arrived in Dawson-street, at the office of " Those Bournes,* to whom all travellers returned." * The coach proprietors at that time. 64 The Comic Lindley Murray ; The story was properly ventilated in the county, and the position of the officer was rendered so unpleasant, that, with the sanction of the Board in London, he transferred the scene of his labours to a remote part of the Emerald Isle. Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 65 PART 4. OF PROSODY. Prosody consists of two parts the first teaches the true pronunciation of words, comprising Accent, Quantity, Emphasis, Pause, and Tone ; and the second, the laws of Versification. The English and Irish Bar, Bench, and Pulpit, are expected to present goodly examples of pro- nunciation, and accent, and it must be admitted there are some brilliant ones, but the pronun- ciation as well as the grammar of some of our English Lawyers and Judges are excruciatingly Cockney and ungrammatical for example " the Lawr of Nations," " That dont apply, &c." The accents of some of the members of our Irish Bar and Bench smack so much of the barbarous, that the parish priest's proposal, to one of them who had given the bride's health, at a country wedding, accompanied with an intimation that he would, for luck, fling an old shoe after the happy 66 TJie Comic Lindley Murray ; couple " Ah, then, Sir," said his Reverence, " wouldn't you fling your own brogue after them," was fully justified. As to Scotch lawyers, Pict examples would be too savage and would not tell in their favor. s A howling, whining sort of accent should be avoided. If not perpetrating a vile pun (for which species of wit I have a hearty contempt), I should designate this as a voice in the Wolf-Tone style. Fine examples of Pause are to be found on the day of nomination at an Election, when the show of hands takes place an Exhibition, by the way, not in favor of the mob at least they do not come out of it with clean hands. Quantity is considered long or short, but the quantity of instruction I have already conveyed to the student may be regarded as too long, and the long and the short of it is, that this didactic work must be kept within proper limits. Or, 1 he Grammar of Grammars. 67 EXERCISE. SENTENCES TO BE PARSED AND CORRECTED : Meet me in the clock when the lane strikes nine. At an Archery-meeting the girls are generally accompanied by their bows. With such companions their aims are un- erring. It has been remarked, " that intelligence quivers on Irish lips, and one expects the " Arrah" every moment. A man with a wooden-leg, who walks a good deal, is said to be on the foot all day. She never received ^him never, but blamed him when he came. Transpositions of the initial letters of words sometimes occur, in the hurry of utterance, very awkwardly, and should be avoided. Speaking of a gentleman, named Jeremy Bentley, it was rather amusing to hear him described as Beremy Jentley. The arms of the Isle of M an, curiously enough, consist of legs. According to Pope (who was unmarried, and must have been the original Pope who led a happy life, and who was free from care and wedded strife) " The proper study of mankind is Man." If he meant the Isle of Man, he must have had in his eye, as striking examples, Messrs. Peel, Douglas, and Ramsay. The old story of the gentleman, who considered Woman as the proper study oi mankind, refutes Pope's line. He placed 68 The Comic Lindley Murray ; before three young ladies three pieces of cheese to ascertain the most eligible of the lot, selecting her who pared with neatness and economy. In this instance the parties were suitably paired, and the lady proved herself to be " the real cheese." OF VERSIFICATION. Some persons never read poetical composition they have souls far above such things like the gentleman who boasted he never read more than one poem; or the other gentleman, who, on being pressed to sing, told the company l;e had but one song, and they might take their choice. How- ever, these are exceptional cases, and it is found there are few persons who do not sometimes read poetical composition. Some ideas on the subject must be given in a practical form for the instruc- tion of the student, so that in reading poetry he may be the better able to judge of its correctness, and relish its beauties. When (like the unfor- tunate gentleman who was pursued by bailiffs) this lively mode of exhibiting nature and senti- ment is perfectly chaste, it is often found to be highly interesting and instructive. Or, 2 he Grammar of Grammars. 69 Versification is the arrangement of syllables according to law, or, I should rather say, laws. Rhyme is the correspondence of the last sound of one verse to the last of another. Now, the verse of the Poetical Cobbler was very irregular, and his last was not successful. Feet and pause are the constituent parts of verse. At the Crimean Banquet, the following thought occurred to the writer, as he witnessed the havoc caused by the surviving heroes amongst the de- ceased poultry: "Tis strange that our troops, who so well plied their steel 'Gainst the Eussians on Inkerman's morning so murky, Should, this day, be displaying a similar zeal On the breast of our ally poor innocent Turkey. The above verse shows feet and paws in fact, going on all-fours. 70 The Comic Lindley Murray ; OF MELODY, HARMONY AND EXPEESSION. Having shewn the general nature of feet, and pause (and, in doing so, I trust I have made a good hand of it, and avoided putting my foot in it), I shall now point out, more particularly, their use and importance. Melody, Harmony, and Expression, are the three great objects of numbers, as well poetic, as otherwise. By melody is meant a pleasing effect produced on the ear: thus " My Mary of the curling hair ;" and " I'm sitting on the stile, Mary, " are very pleasing examples of the constituent parts of verse united to good music. By harmony an effect produced by an action of the mind, in comparing the different members of a verse with each other, and perceiving a due and beautiful proportion between them ; but if Or, The Grammar of Grammars. 71 one compares the different members of a family assembled together, and draws comparisons of a prejudicial nature, such a course is not likely to lead to harmony. By expression such a choice and arrangement of the constituent parts of verse as serve to illus- trate thought or sentiment. Take the following as an instance of expression : Adieu ! my friends, to each poetic dream, This is the age of Telegraph and Steam ; An age the Muse is most sincerely sorry at, Off'ring no subject to the Poet Laureate : When writers, to succeed, must meanly grovel, And pile up trash in some sensation novel ; When corn is gone, and nought remains but chaff, And Portraiture descends to Photograph ; The sexes flirt without Love's olden flame Men insincere and women much the same The beau quite dull a mere insensate flat ; The girl so proud of " Dolly Varden" hat. When MJP.'s in a phalanx strong should stand, And fight the battle of their native land ; Loving their Isle not wisely but too well Not proud to have a native land to sell. Oh, for the days of purity again, Of blushing women, and of manly men, There's much in science, wealth, and steam and wires, But more to touch the heart in our Grand-sires. 72 The Comic Lindley Murray. In conclusion, I shall make my bow to the student, in a few valedictory lines : My labours need a short repose, So now I'll say farewell to those Who've read with patience to the close, " My Murray." " ' Self Help, ' by Smiles," is all my plan, To teach and please my fellow-man, There's nothing wiser, better than, " My Murray." A 000 087 501 3