n 
 
 HEAP TURKEY 
 
 O 
 
 en 
 
 RD MACAU LEY 
 
Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive 
 
 in 2007 with funding from 
 
 IVIicrosoft Corporation 
 
 littp://www.arcliive.org/details/clieapturkeyOOmacaricln 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 By 
 WARD MACAULEY 
 
 NEV YORK 
 
 DUFFIELD & COMPANY 
 
 J9J2 
 
< 
 
 COPYRIGHT, J9J2, BY 
 DUFFIELD & COMPANY 
 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 AND WHAT CAME OF IT 
 
 By WARD MACAULEY 
 
 There was a smile on John Good- 
 man's face and a feeKng of elation in 
 his heart as he approached his home 
 on Thanksgiving; eve* Under his arm 
 was a large and benevolent looking 
 bundle, and it is possible that his hap- 
 piness of spirits was in some way 
 connected with its possession* Such, 
 indeed, was the case, for John Good- 
 man had just been a patron at Blank- 
 burg's* first municipal sale, and as an 
 immediate result thereof he was the 
 triumphant owner of a ten-pound tur- 
 key* In most years the flesh of the 
 gobbler had been an unknown luxury 
 in the Goodman household* **Wel[ 
 
 *No particular city is intended. 
 
 273055 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 have turkey for dinner/' Goodman 
 had assured his uncomplaining wife^ 
 ^Vhen gold doflars grow on elder- 
 berry bushes/* And, as a matter of 
 truth, elderberry bushes with gold 
 doflars on their branches are quite out 
 of the ken of the average shoe sales- 
 man, and in this worthy, but not un- 
 duly remunerative occupation, did 
 John Goodman earn that portion of 
 daily bread — ^not including turkey — 
 that was his due* John had been 
 married three years now, and the holi- 
 day had not previously arrived when 
 he conscientiously felt that he could 
 afford turkey* True he had priced it* 
 Yes, he had asked its valuation in the 
 fine stores on the avenue and in the 
 staUs in the market and in the comer 
 butcher shops, only finafly to turn 
 away with a sigh and confess to him- 
 6 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 self: ''Thirty-four cents; too muchj 
 gfuess well have to stick to our old 
 favorite, chicken/^ 
 
 At last, however, his opportunity 
 had come« The municipal sale had 
 opened^ The good mayor of Blank- 
 burg had started a movement to sell 
 certain of the necessities of life at 
 ''cost*'* By a special humanitarian 
 impulse that defied all argument, the 
 necessities were made elastic enough 
 to include turkey* Yes, turkey, the 
 prime essential of a proper observance 
 of Thanksgiving day, was to be gra- 
 ciously included in the list of articles 
 to be disposed of at "cost*** Turkey, 
 which hitherto had been considered 
 suitable only for the rich man's table, 
 became the poor man*s hoEday feast* 
 The food of Dives had become the 
 portion of Lazarus* At "cost,** the 
 7 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 mayor had graciously announced and 
 at cost it was literally to be, not **cost** 
 plus a certain **expense*' for rent and 
 clerk hire^ The rent the mayor very 
 kindly agreed to pay from his private 
 exchequer and the clerk hire was 
 taken care of by some of his hench- 
 men, ever willing to labor in a popular 
 cause^ Virtue was to be its own and 
 only reward, or virtue plus a few 
 votes, as the case might prove to be« 
 Yes, **cost*' meant **cost'' and nothing 
 else — ^}ust what was paid the farmers 
 for the birds — paid for them **on the 
 hoof,'* if such an expression can be 
 applied to birds* 
 
 The crush at the sale had been 
 furious* The volunteer salesforce 
 was totally inadequate to cope with 
 the great public demand for turkeys 
 at costt and a wild scramble among 
 8 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 the customers had ensued^ Two 
 women, becoming involved in • a 
 wordy dispute over the possession of 
 an extra fancy bird, had succeeded in 
 dismembering it, whereupon the sales- 
 manager, Solomon-Iike, had handed 
 down the decision that each should 
 have the half — ^with the coincident de- 
 tail that each should likewise pay half« 
 John Goodman, though among the 
 early arrivals, had not attained his de- 
 sire without difficulty? but in his ex- 
 tremity his early football training had 
 proved his best friend, and a half hour 
 after he entered the municipal sales- 
 room he emerged, somewhat dishev- 
 efled, but triumphant and with no torn 
 clothes to offset the gain made by ptir- 
 chasing **turkey at cost*'* It is no 
 wonder, then, that he should be so 
 happy as he approached his home* It 
 9 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 would fac such a surprise to Mary* 
 The ten-pound bird, which would 
 have set him back $3 if purchased 
 throi^h the ordinary channels of 
 trade, had come into his possession 
 with the expenditure of only $2*30 — 
 hardly more than the price of chicken, 
 he told himself triumphantly* 
 
 As he entered the house and gave 
 his wife the greeting that was her due, 
 John could hardly keep the good news 
 to himself* Nevertheless with an ef- 
 fort he controlled his elation, leaving 
 the happy surprise until she should 
 open the package and see for herself* 
 With nothing more noticeable about 
 his countenance than his usual smile, 
 John took his precious bundle and de- 
 posited it upon the kitchen table, Mary 
 closely following* 
 
 (0 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 She cut the strings and unrolled the 
 paper, and then John was rewarded 
 by the start of surprise and jubilation 
 that he had been enjoying in anticipa- 
 tion all during his walk home* Un- 
 like so many similar instances, the 
 reality proved in no wise disap- 
 pointing* 
 
 'Why, John,*' she said in deHght, 
 ''it's a turkey/* 
 
 ''None other,** said her husband, 
 with no less enthusiasm* "Mrs* 
 Goodman, this is Mr* Turkey* Mr* 
 Turkey, this is Mrs* Goodman* You 
 have never met before, I think*** 
 
 "Well, if we have, John, dear, I am 
 afraid it was a long time ago* And I 
 need hardly say** — addressing Mr* 
 Turkey — ^"that I am simply over- 
 whelmed with delight at meeting 
 you*** 
 
 it 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 **l got it at the municipal sale, dear/* 
 explained John to forestall any pos- 
 sible censure for undue extravagance; 
 *'it cost me only $230; think of it— 
 $230 for a ten-pound turkey I Prac- 
 tically the price of a real good round 
 steak, as you might say* TheyVe 
 selling them at cost/' 
 
 'Who are?*' 
 
 'Why, the city; the mayor, I guess, 
 is really at the back of it/* 
 
 'Well, ril write him a letter and 
 tell him what a real good nice man 
 I think he is« Oh, John, maybe the 
 city will sell silk dresses, and maybe I 
 can get oneT* 
 
 ''Maybe,** said John, but just a 
 shade of thoughtf ulness crept into his 
 tone* 
 
 Probably no Thanksgiving dinner 
 was ever more enjoyed than that one. 
 J2 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 John could hardly have been prouder 
 if his ten-pound turkey had been a 
 baby of equal weight* Hope deferred 
 may make the heart sick, but turkey 
 deferred but makes the meat the 
 sweeten 
 
 ''Maybe/' said Mrs* John, in a 
 burst of hopefulness, ''maybe, we can 
 have one every Thanki^iving/* 
 
 "We can, dear,'" Mr* John assured 
 her, "and on Qiristmas, too/' 
 
 "Oh, that dear, good, lovely Mr* 
 Mayor!'' said Mrs* John in exuber- 
 ance of joy* 
 
 The municipal sale was an im- 
 mense success, view it as you like* 
 To the mayor and his henchmen it 
 brought increased prestige, and pres- 
 tige would come in very handy in the 
 forthcoming campaign for governor, 
 for which honor Mr* Mayor was rec- 
 J3 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 ognizcd as a receptive candidate* To 
 the people it had brought the holiday- 
 turkey at a price all felt could be af- 
 forded — once a year, at any rate* 
 Only the storekeeper emitted a howL 
 He remarked that, as he must per- 
 force pay rent and hire clerks, he 
 could not consistently sell turkey at 
 the price he paid for it **on the hoof/' 
 His criticisms were greeted with roars 
 of derision* The press printed his 
 views, only to sneer, and the word 
 'Vobber^' was flung at him from many 
 quarters* Big headlines had an- 
 nounced the mayor's plan* It was 
 *%ews*'* The storekeeper's complaint 
 was safely and securely secreted in the 
 *'City in Brief" column, and a clever 
 turn of phrase had sufficiently re- 
 vealed the fact that the newspaper was 
 out of sympathy with his ''selfish" 
 
 waiL 
 
 H 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 ''The Beagle/' an enterprising 
 newspaper, perceivii^ the favor with 
 which the public had greeted the inno- 
 vation, suggested that perhaps the ex- 
 periment could be enlarged somewhat* 
 
 IF TURKEY, WHY NOT COAL? 
 
 the types had howled to all the world, 
 and John Goodman and a host of 
 others like him — ^personages whom we 
 may consider typical of the man on the 
 street — ^when the headlines focussed 
 their attention had repeated the ques- 
 tion, *^es, if turkey, why not coal?"' 
 The newspaper went on to argue that 
 while cheap turkey as a means of al- 
 lowii^ the great American public to 
 observe Thanksgiving in the good old- 
 fashioned New England way was 
 certainly a highly commendable thing 
 J5 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 and ought to be encour^ed as much 
 as possible, still it could hardly rank 
 in importance with furnishing heat to 
 keep the poor from suffering in this 
 terrible winten *'Seventy-five cents a 
 ton profit to the retail coal dealers. 
 This could be saved by a municipal 
 coal business/* the headlines had 
 shouted a day later. The article went 
 on to point out that the Board oJ 
 Public Works had constantly team- 
 sters who were idle, especially in the 
 winter, and that delivery could be 
 made without cost* **One dollar 
 saved to the consumer,** was the en- 
 ticement held out in bright red on the 
 third day* And Mr* Mayor began to 
 see the light* Having in mind the 
 scriptural reference regarding the man 
 who put his hand to the plow and 
 then turned back, Mr* Mayor deter- 
 16 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 mined to pursue his course to the bit- 
 ter, bitter end* The municipal coat 
 yard became a reality* The public 
 was delighted A dollar a ton saved I 
 No cold homes in Blankburg this 
 winter, no, indeed* Business boomed 
 — at the municipal coal yard* In vain 
 the retail dealers protested* **How 
 can we sell coal at a profit, when the 
 city sells for cost?'' they insistently 
 asked* The newspaper unfeelingly 
 replied, '*You can V with none too 
 well hidden an inference that they 
 didn't deserve to* Finding it impos- 
 sible to do business at a profit, the re- 
 tailer decided not to do business at all* 
 The coal yards began to close* Per- 
 fectly respectable young men who had 
 spent good years of their lives in an- 
 swering 'phone calls and saying, 
 ''Yes, one ton to Mr* So-and-so — put 
 17 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 in, yes, thank you,^' were forced to 
 seek other means of employment* 
 They couldn't go into the grocery 
 business, for the municipal markets — 
 not one now, but several — ^had so oc- 
 cupied the field that no one in that 
 line of trade dreamed of expanding, 
 and all were praying with one accord 
 to be delivered from the ruin that 
 stared them in the face* Still, numer- 
 ous fields of endeavor remained open* 
 The municipaEty had left untouched 
 a great many avenues of activity* So 
 the erstwhile coalmen — as opportunity 
 offered — ^became assistant haberdash- 
 ers, and bank messengers, and street- 
 car conductors, and extra Saturday 
 help in clothing stores* 
 
 **The Evening Beagle'' crowed 
 with triumphant delight* Whole col- 
 umns were devoted to '*the people's 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 battle'* which had been waged so un- 
 erringly by the *^BeagIe" itself* True, 
 the corner grocers were people, the 
 coal dealers were people, their assist- 
 ants were people* At least, to all out- 
 ward appearance, they bore the same 
 semblance as the others whom in to- 
 tality we style *'the people*' and of 
 whom the demagogue never tires of 
 talking and to whom he ceaselessly 
 pledges eternal loyalty* Like the 
 butchers and the grocers, the coal 
 dealers emitted remarks distinctly de- 
 rogatory to the conduct of affairs in 
 Blankburg* Protests anent taking 
 the bread out of deserving mouths 
 were voiced again and again* The 
 complaint had no further effect than 
 to give the **Beagle'* still another cue* 
 ''Bread?'* the editor shrieked, when 
 he turned over in his mind the phrase- 
 J9 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 ology of their criticism of the pro- 
 gressive movements of the day* 
 "'Bread— why didn't we think of that 
 before? Why, bread is the staff of 
 life, the one thing needfuh\ It stands 
 between a hungry population and 
 starvation* And the base being who 
 forces the public to pay an undue 
 price, ah, who is he? Again, it is the 
 corner grocery and the bafceshop/' 
 The editorial vow, strong and inviol- 
 able as the law of Mede and Persian, 
 was roistered that (not quite literally 
 speaking) the entire staff should 
 neither slumber nor sleep till this foul 
 wrong was undone* **Breadr' 
 shouted the editor? **Bread,** echoed 
 the reporters J **Bread,** said the edi- 
 torial writer; **Bread,'' agreed the 
 foreman* The next issue was a mas- 
 terpiece* 
 
 20 
 
I 
 
 CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 ''BREAD AT COST'* 
 
 was flung: across an entire page^ and 
 in eagfer^ breathless sentences the edi- 
 tor took his public into his secret of 
 making the staff of life a Kttle more 
 easily procured* *'Man shall not live 
 by bread alone/* he thundered in 
 heavy blackface, **y^t man cannot 
 live without bread* Why pray for 
 our daily bread while we tolerate the 
 abominable and iniquitous monster 
 that keeps it far out of our reach?** 
 
 The people were delighted — that is, 
 the people minus the grocers and the 
 butchers and the bakeshop men and 
 the coal dealers and their assistants* 
 The coal clerk out of a fob would 
 rather still be disputing over the 
 *phone about what he termed a wholly 
 2J 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 unavoidable delay in delivery than to 
 have a small loaf of bread at 3 cents 
 instead of 4 cents* The middleman 
 voiced a faint protest— faint because 
 so highly and condescendingly disre- 
 garded—and was told — editorially — 
 by the **BeagIe'* not to be so selfish* 
 
 The grocers found their sales 
 greatly decreased by the competition 
 of the Municipal Bread Emporium, 
 where you could buy bread for 3 cents 
 per loaf, and wrap it yourself in paper 
 brought by you for the purpose. The 
 eye of vision in the **BcagIeV* office 
 was by no means dimmed as yet* 
 **We have saved the selling profit,*' 
 roared the types? **why not save the 
 manufacturing profit?*' So the city 
 bakery became a living, moving fact* 
 True, it was impossible to secure po- 
 litical henchmen who were both will- 
 22 
 
I 
 
 CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 ing and competent to make bread — 
 without pay — so that a starving: pub- 
 lic could be saved a cent per loaf , so 
 it was necessary to hire the usual em- 
 ployees, but, as the **Beag:Ie'' shrieked, 
 '*to market their products without 
 profit/' As strongly did the ''Beagle'* 
 insist upon bread of the best quality* 
 **The best, the very best,'* it blazoned 
 forth, ''is none too good to nourish 
 the bodies of the city's toilers/' Which 
 was all very true, no doubt, but the 
 coal man's assistant was more inter- 
 ested in having the means to secure 
 sustenance of any kind than he was 
 that it should be "the best" or that he 
 should be able to save a fractional part 
 of its cost* The municipal bakeries, 
 for the one quickly grew to be a dozen, 
 were an immense success; more so 
 even than the bread emporium that 
 23 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 had preceded them* The "'Be^Ie'' 
 said sOt and a gfreat number of ^'the 
 people*' agreed — that is, the people 
 minus the grocers and the bakers and 
 the coal men and the butchers and 
 their assistants, who remembered too 
 well their own sad experience as a 
 result of the municipalit/s doing bus- 
 iness at ^'cost/' 
 
 The crowds on the street grew^ 
 More than one bakery, faiKng to find 
 sufficient market for its output abroad, 
 had closed its doors, and while many 
 of the manual laborers — ^the produc- 
 tive forces, as the **BeagIe'* said — 
 were able to find employment in the 
 cit/s bakeries — ^if they could prove 
 their claim to have voted right— the 
 office men and superintendents were 
 put upon their own resources* Office 
 men weren't needed, for **all the book- 
 24 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 keeping that is necessary/* as the 
 mayor so aptly put it, '*can be done 
 on an adding machine in the G)mp- 
 troller's office/' 
 
 Some of the office men and superin- 
 tendents secured employment in other 
 fields — at less per diem, to be sure, as 
 a result of their lack of experience* 
 Others repaired to other cities, some, 
 as one of their number so sardonically 
 put it, going as far as possible from 
 Blankburg* Others joined the ranks 
 on the street and the throng of in- 
 dustrious students of the **HeIp Want- 
 ed'* column J only the ''Help Wanted*' 
 column had shrunk considerably of 
 late, while the ''Situations Wanted** 
 could no longer be classed as a col- 
 umn, but had perforce to be referred 
 to as a page* But it was a great 
 triumph for the people; that is the 
 25 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 people with the minuses noted pre- 
 viously^ 
 
 After its signal victory in the fight 
 for bread — ^^a second French Revolu- 
 tion/' as the '^Beagle'' so appropriate- 
 ly suggested — the editor of that estima- 
 ble sheet was willing to rest content 
 with his laurels for some two weeks be- 
 fore taking the next stand in his battle 
 for *%e people's rights/' Merchants 
 stood in mortal fear that their particu- 
 lar branch of commerce would be the 
 next to be invaded* The pubEc ab- 
 stained from buying as much as pos- 
 sible in the hope that perhaps the city 
 might be able to effect a saving in the 
 contemplated purchases* Travelling 
 men warned each other to steer clear 
 of Blankburg* **Yoxs can't sell a 
 thing in the town unless you sell it 
 to the city— and at cost/' as one of 
 26 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 the fraternity picturesquely phrased it* 
 Sales forces were reduced to the mini- 
 mum, as no one could tell where the 
 I^htningf would strike next* 
 
 "W BREAD, WHY NOT 
 CLOTHINGr 
 
 was what the '^Beagle*' finally offered 
 as the next plan of attack* *^hy 
 not?'* the article went on in headlines 
 a shade smaller* **Food and cloth- 
 ing: go hand in hand,*' though exactly 
 how, the learned editor omitted to 
 state* **These are the prime neces- 
 sities of life* Why pay extra prices 
 for the services of a salesman who 
 invariably sells you a misfit?** And 
 the public — or a portion of it — echoed 
 'Why?** The mayor was called in* 
 He was very complaisant* Why not, 
 27 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 The ^'Beagle** carried a flattering 
 counterfeit presentment of him as a 
 permanent feature of its front page 
 and lauded him with that dearest 
 phrase of his heart — ^"the people's 
 champion*'* Already the mayor had 
 visions of himself in the governor's 
 chair J for who could stop the man 
 who had brought the necessities of 
 life to the people at cost? Governor's 
 chair? Why stop at that? The sena- 
 torial toga J aye, even the presidency, 
 for should not the people's best gifts 
 go to those who did the most for the 
 people? The mayor had a right to 
 be complaisant* The scheme was a 
 good one, he assured the editor* He 
 had been considering it himself* As a 
 matter of fact, he hadn't, but that is 
 neither here nor there* The details 
 were worked out and the Clothing De- 
 28 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 pository was opened for business with 
 an advertising campaign consisting of 
 prodigal amounts of the '^BeagleV 
 most valuable space — space that a 
 mere middleman could not purchase* 
 The question of saving the people as 
 much as possible had been given a 
 great deal of consideration at the hands 
 of the mayor and the editor — and at 
 the ^'hands'' is singularly appropriate* 
 A large expense in connection with 
 the sale of clothing — aside from rent — 
 is in the salesmanship* It takes time 
 to sell a man a suit, and time is money 
 even when it is rated at only $20*00 
 per week* After pondering the per- 
 plexing problem for some time, the 
 mayor, with his accustomed and in- 
 imitable, homely, commonsense way 
 of settling a question, shouted: **Why, 
 man alive, every man knows what 
 29 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 xizc suits he wears J we*Il just assort 
 the suits according to size and let each 
 man pick out his owm We'll have a 
 turnstile where he can pay, and just 
 outside he can wrap it up himself* All 
 well need is a guard at one end and 
 a cashier at the other* Well have a 
 regular clothing serve-self/' 
 
 ''And we can sell the clothing at 
 exactly cost**' 
 
 **Sure/' agreed the mayor J **thc 
 clerk-hire for the guard and the cash- 
 ier can go into the regular budget*'' 
 
 ''That's all right/' said the editor, 
 "but who will open the cases?" . 
 
 "Cases?" asked the mayor blankly* 
 
 "Yes, cases/' said the editor, impa- 
 tiently j "clothing comes in wooden 
 cases*" 
 
 "Well," said the mayor, philosoph- 
 ically, "the guard can do it when 
 30 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 things arc quiets In a pinch the pub- 
 licTI help him out, seeing they get the 
 stuff at cost/' 
 
 A whole page of the *^BeagIe*' pro- 
 claimed the gladsome news to the 
 world — that is, gladsome to all with 
 a few minuses that scarcely need to be 
 mentioned* Bakers and butchers and 
 grocers and coal men and their assist- 
 ants who had been '^eliminated/' faced 
 a deKghtfuI prospect of using a sum- 
 mer suit through the winter, and the 
 Clothing Serve-self afforded them 
 comfort only in the sense that misery 
 loves company* So the public, with 
 these exceptions — exceptions growing 
 larger with every step in the cam- 
 paign — was very glad to purchase 
 clothing at cost; and while the cloth- 
 iers fumed and fretted, the **BeagIe/' 
 with its golden words of yore, bade 
 3J 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 them not to be so selfish* The 
 clothiers consoled themselves as much 
 as possible by turning their attention 
 to the haberdashery department, hop- 
 ing against hope that perhaps that 
 might be overlooked in the mad 
 scramble to sell goods at cost* There 
 was no need, however, for a fraction 
 of as many salesmen as before, and 
 by the usual process of the survival 
 of the fittest, the body of students of 
 the ever-shrinking help-wanted col- 
 umn was alarmingly increased* 
 
 It was a case of ^Whenever you 
 see a head, hit it,'' so very wisely the 
 heads remained out of view just as 
 much as possible* The merchants 
 began to cut down on their advertis-* 
 ing, for fear that by the process of 
 suggestion the line to which they were 
 giving publicity would be the next to 
 32 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 be pounced upon fay the faackers of the 
 city's selling at cost plan* And here- 
 by hangs a tale# Though the circula- 
 tion of the '^Beagle*' was growing 
 very rapidly — despite cancellations fay 
 the butchers, faakers, grocers, coal 
 dealers, clothiers and their assistants — 
 the advertising was showing a menac- 
 ing falling off* Not that it at all dis- 
 turfaed the serene soul of the militant 
 editor — serene in the consciousness of 
 a nofale task worthily performed — for 
 he was ofalivious to the more sordid 
 things of life* However, the mat- 
 ter was forcifaly farought to his atten- 
 tion fay the fausiness manager, who 
 kindly faut firmly conveyed the idea 
 that *%is sort of thing'' must stop* 
 The editor was none the less direct 
 with the retort courteous; a few well- 
 turned phrases revealing— in a way 
 33 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 not to be misunderstood — that the edi- 
 torial department did not condescend 
 to argue matters of pubKc poKcy with 
 those whose ideals rose no higher than 
 lines and inches* 
 
 Despite his lofty attitude — or altin 
 tude — the editor confessed to himself 
 certain misgivings in regard to the 
 future of the newspaper if the cam- 
 paign for merchandise at cost should 
 eventually ''eliminate*' all of his pat- 
 rons* In quiet, unostentatious ways, 
 he did a few strokes — greatly against 
 his conscience, as he told himself — to 
 stem the tide* The headlines were 
 one si^e smaller* Other matters occa- 
 sionally secured a place on the front 
 page, and the mayor's picture appeared 
 only on alternate days — a proceeding 
 that nearly disrupted a beautiful friend- 
 ship j for the editor and the mayor 
 34 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 were like unto Damon and Pythiasu 
 The love of Jonathan for David, said 
 of holy writ to exceed the love of 
 woman, could scarcely have been 
 greater than the sacred feeling: that 
 stirred their hearts* It was a fine ex- 
 ample for the youth of Blankfaurg to 
 emulate* 
 
 The editor paused in his mad career 
 of suggfesting new worlds to conquer^ 
 Not so his devoted co-laborer, nor 
 the many ^'constant readers'* of his 
 paper* Suggestions piled in upon him 
 from all sides; suggestions that he 
 dared not turn aside even if he would* 
 Scarcely an article that is used by all 
 mankind was omitted from the Kst of 
 what the public would buy at cost, 
 the public being represented at least by 
 the man who wrote the letter* The; 
 editor was growing more conserva- 
 35 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 tive, however, with the decreasing size 
 of his paper, due to lack of paid space* 
 He reluctantly confessed to the mayor 
 that they ''must make haste slowly/' 
 
 The mayor was of quite another 
 mind, however* ''Well clean up this 
 whole town,** he asserted, pounding 
 his fist* ''Let not a guilty man es- 
 cape*** The editor bowed his ac- 
 quiescence* Not a prophet of Baal 
 should be spared* 
 
 Nowt as it chanced^ the mayor 
 was an ardent equal-suffrage advocate; 
 — one thing to his credit at the least, 
 thoi^h his enemies suggested that 
 handsomeness of face and grace of de- 
 meanor gave him confidence in win- 
 ning the support of the gentler sex* 
 It galled the mayor*s sensitive soul to 
 have the men get the advantage of 
 buying clothing at cost without giving 
 36 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 the ladies something to offset this« He 
 bided his time, as all the master minds 
 have done from the beginning of his- 
 tory, and on the very day when the 
 ordinary channels of trade were an- 
 nouncing their formal openings with 
 the very latest in spring millinery, he 
 blazoned forth across the ''BeagleV 
 front page: 
 
 'TADmy HATS AT COST*'' 
 
 The editor was the more glad that 
 his co-worker had postponed action 
 until that day, since the paid advertise- 
 ments were already in the paper* 
 
 Talk about your sensations! A 
 cyclone could scarcely have made 
 more stir* The telephone service was 
 taxed to its capacity and beyond, while 
 Mrs* Smith and Mrs* Jones and thou- 
 37 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 sands of their sisters discussed the 
 novel and highly delightful situation* 
 The mayor had divined that the 
 proper plan was a millinery serve- 
 self — each hat plainly marked, first 
 come, first served* A regiment of 
 starving men contending for a solitary 
 ham sandwich could not have put up 
 a more spectacular exhibition than the 
 mayor's first-day customers* Onlook- 
 ers would have been justified in be- 
 lieving that not a solitary Blankburg 
 woman went home that night with- 
 out a new hat* And they had bought 
 them at cost! The few remaining 
 pieces of headgear that had been unan- 
 imously dubbed ^'frights'* were surely 
 such in the most literal interpretation 
 of the word when the day was over* 
 The scene showed unmistakable 
 traces of the recent holocaust, and the 
 38 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 guard and the cashier vaguely won- 
 dered if shattered nerves were included 
 in the items of **the cost*'* 
 
 The mayor was delighted* When- 
 ever he saw a beautiful woman on 
 the street wearing a becoming hat, he 
 whispered complacently to himself, **I 
 did that* Perhaps but for me sha 
 could only have afforded an ugly bon- 
 net**' The ladies* clubs Kstened atten- 
 tively to ringing resolutions in praise 
 of His Honor* Plans for a life-si^ed 
 statue in Green Park were being fav- 
 orably considered* More than one 
 other woman echoed Mrs* Goodman's 
 eulogy — ^''that dear, good Mr* Mayor*" 
 Mr* Mayor was wonderfully confident 
 that he could never be defeated if 
 equal suffrage came to be* 
 
 One point of difference arose be- 
 tween His Honor and his editorial 
 39 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 confrere* It came about in this way: 
 
 **AI/' said the mayor, in the burst 
 of enthusiasm that betokens a sudden 
 discovery, ''how would it be if we 
 sold them beer at cost?'' 
 
 ''Beerr said the editor* 
 
 ''Yes, beer; why not?'* replied His 
 Honor, preparing to wax eloquent in 
 defense of his roseate inspiration* 
 
 "Well, you know, Joe,*' said his 
 bosom chum, deprecatingly, "you can 
 hardly call beer a necessity*'* 
 
 The mayor waved the objection 
 aside* "That's largely in the way 
 you look at it," he said* 
 
 Nevertheless, the editorial support 
 was not so easily won over* After 
 debating the matter pro and con for 
 the better part of the afternoon, the 
 two, disagreeing in policy but eternally 
 firm in friendship, had compromised 
 40 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 by agreeing to submit the whole mat- 
 ter to a higher power, viz*, the people* 
 
 *WeTI have a referendum/' shouted 
 the mayor, as though he were address- 
 ing a political gathering* *TLet the 
 people rule**' 
 
 The editor could hardly enter any 
 plausible objection to such a cotsrse, so 
 the next day's **BeagIe** had heavy 
 headlines across the front page; 
 
 u 
 
 BEER AT COST— DO THE 
 PEOPLE WANT ITr 
 
 Then foflowed an elucidation of 
 the plan of campa^^ The spring 
 election was but a few weeks away* 
 A few minor officials were to be chos- 
 en and the electorate could easily spare 
 additional time to voice its sovereign 
 mandate regarding the complex eco- 
 4( 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 nomic and social problem as to 
 whether or not the city should provide 
 such of its citizens as made use of 
 the commodity with beer* Such a 
 campaign as was w^ed over this 
 proposition had never been known in 
 Blankburg before, nor, indeed, in any 
 other municipality of which we have 
 record* It is said that politics makes 
 strange bed-fellows j and in the whirl- 
 wind campaign that followed the 
 **BeagIeV^ announcement, we see the 
 *'drys'' lined up on the same side with 
 the brewers and the saloon keepers* 
 Both were unalterably opposed to 
 Blankburg's going into the beer busi- 
 ness, the former from a matter of 
 principle, the latter as a matter of 
 profit* The mayor vaguely suggested 
 that in the case of beer, selling at cost 
 meant a much more substantial re- 
 42 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 duction than with coal, clothing;, or 
 bread, or even ladies* hats* As one of 
 his henchmen affirmed, ''Why, beer 
 don't cost nothing/* 
 
 The campaign went merrily on* 
 ''It was a case,** the mayor said, "of 
 the plain people gainst 'the inter- 
 ests,*** these consisting apparently of 
 those who drank nothing and believed 
 in spreading their example, and those 
 who believed that he who drinks 
 should pay* When the baflots were 
 counted, however, it was found, as 
 the mayor had predicted, that "the 
 ayes have it*** 
 
 The result proved to be slightly dif- 
 ferent from that which was antici- 
 pated* Instead of saving money on his 
 Kquid refreshment, the average man 
 merely drank more of it* The move 
 was not, therefore, of the great 
 43 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 economic importance that the mayor 
 had so confidently predicted* Never- 
 theless, he felt that he could congratu- 
 late himself on his coup* He assured 
 himself that he had made himself 
 more solid than ever with the great 
 unwashed multitude* More than that, 
 he thot^ht that he perceived a very 
 visible saving in campaigns to come 
 when ''the boys*' would expect him 
 to ''set 'em up/' "We'fl treat 'em/' 
 he told himself, "at the municipal re- 
 freshment stations* What could be 
 more appropriate?" 
 
 This aspect of the campaign by no 
 means passed unnoticed by the ladies, 
 and after a period of whispered con- 
 ferences — ^proving that secrets can be 
 maintained by the gentler sex — ^the 
 mayor found himself facing a most 
 formidable looking petition* Appar- 
 44 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 ently every female of whatsoever age 
 in all Blankburg had affixed her signa- 
 ture, for the roll seemed interminable. 
 Force of might and numbers was 
 scarcely necessary, for the mayor had 
 ever an ear open for the popular de- 
 sire, and particularly so where the 
 ladies were concerned* *'It is the part 
 of chivalry,"' he decided, ''to grant the 
 request if it be within my power/' 
 The petition set forth: 
 "Wherein and inasmuch as by the 
 influence of your Honor, the Honor- 
 able Mayor of the city of Bknkburg, 
 and by popular vote (howbeit a large 
 number of those who were entitled 
 to the suffrage were denied this) the 
 said city entered into the operation of 
 refreshment stations where beer is 
 sold at cost, we hereby respectfully pe- 
 tition your Honor to a similar course 
 45 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 in regard to ice cream sodas, ice cream 
 and sundaes; and we feel confident 
 that the high sense of justice and fit- 
 ness so eminently conspicuous in your 
 Honor from the beginning of your 
 pubKc life, will at once recognize the 
 righteousness of our request/' 
 
 The word had first been written 
 **demand/* but this had been crossed 
 off, but not entirely obliterated, and 
 ''request'* substituted* 
 
 Would the mayor do it? Well, he 
 had only been awaiting the chance* 
 If the entire fifteen thousand who had 
 signed had only come to him with a 
 petition in boots — ^the dear creatures — 
 his cup of joy would have been over- 
 flowing, indeed* 'Petition in boots'* 
 sounded a little inapt to His Honor — 
 in pumps" were better* 
 
 The mayor at once instituted the 
 46 
 
 **t 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 soft-drink refreshment stations* The 
 various delectables were served abso- 
 lutely at cost^ The question of help 
 gave the mayor an opportunity to 
 demonstrate those brilliant attributes 
 of mind that he confidently expected 
 would ultimately land him in the 
 President's chair* He appealed to the 
 ladies* Would they volunteer for duty 
 just one day a year in the municipal 
 ice cream parlors? Would they do 
 it? They were so delighted to repay 
 even partially the dear mayor for all 
 his kindness* So» being more or less 
 a co-operative proposition, the '*ice 
 cream at cost*' scheme was a huge 
 success, except that very many an 
 agile slinger of egg phosphates — ^the 
 experts who can toss the delectable 
 beverage far in the air, cause it to form 
 a complete letter ''S'* and fall grace- 
 47 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 fully into the glass— found himself 
 out of a job* Some went to neighbor- 
 ing towns, some accepted engage- 
 ments in vaudeville as high-class jt^- 
 glers, and others waited for something 
 to ''turn up/' No use looking for work 
 in Blankburg* The process of **elim- 
 inating*' middlemen and their assist- 
 ants had given the town an army of 
 unemployed (as the figure of speech 
 has it) by the side of which the out- 
 of-work crowd in an ordinary panic 
 was a mere corporal's guard* The 
 situation-wanted department in the 
 liner columns diminished — ^not be- 
 cause the jobs were not desired, but 
 because of lack of funds to pay for the 
 ads and the uselessness of the appeal, 
 anyway* Of course, *'the people'' 
 were buying their necessities a whole 
 lot cheaper than ever before, but a 
 48 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 very large number had already begun 
 to suffer in the process — and the end 
 was not yet* The mayor seemed in- 
 satiate, like the sea monster with a 
 multitude of mouths, all ^'practicable/' 
 as the stage directions say* Some — 
 aside from the victims — ^began to 
 counsel moderation* *'Let us rest on 
 our honors/' they st^gested, well con- 
 tent to have the other man's business 
 plucked but fearful of their own* The 
 mayor's ambition, however, lay in the 
 direction of **a clean sweep*" He was 
 a * Vhole-hogger/' The clothing mer- 
 chant quickly found that his reliance 
 upon his haberdashery was a house 
 built upon the sands* The mayor's 
 logical mind had quickly perceived the 
 inevitable conclusion that a man is not 
 properly equipped when he has a coat 
 and vest and trousers* He could not 
 49 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 tf 
 
 face the world so garbed, without em- 
 barrassments Neckwear, hats, col- 
 lars, cuffs, shirts and underwear soon 
 became part and parcel of the great **at 
 cost*' campaign* More of the men's 
 furnishing shops closed up* More 
 merchants sought greener fields, more 
 wonderfully polite young men at- 
 tempted to locate the spot where po- 
 liteness might be considered an asset* 
 The haberdashery *'serve - self 
 proved a little harder to manipulate 
 than the clothing* The mayor, with 
 his beautiful faith in human nature, a 
 faith difficult to understand in one ex- 
 perienced in politics, received many a 
 rude shock* His fervidly announced 
 opinion that not one citizen of Blank- 
 burg would be low enot^h or base 
 enough to take advantage of the kindly 
 municipality that furnished the neces- 
 50 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 sities to him **aX cosf ' proved to be 
 slightly erroneous* The temptation to 
 tuck three neckties in the pocket and 
 to pay for only one at the door proved 
 to be a little too strong for certain of 
 Blankburg's electorate* The opera- 
 tion, therefore, of selling **at cost'' 
 gave promise of furnishing a wholly 
 unwelcome deficit that the mayor was 
 somewhat at a loss to see how he 
 could take care of* He thought possi- 
 bly some funds might be diverted 
 from the school-building fund, if done 
 with sufficient finesse, and, as he as- 
 sured himself, the necessities were 
 more important than education, any- 
 way* 
 
 The mayor's campaign proceeded 
 with unabated fury* Hardly a week 
 went by without some line of mer- 
 chandise coming under the scope of 
 5t 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 his selling: **aX cosf plan* It soon be- 
 came apparent that before many- 
 months had passed there would be prac- 
 tically no commercial fields in which 
 the city did not compete, and as the 
 city invariably sold *'at cost/' the local 
 merchants were usually put out of 
 business, though some survived, to 
 take care of the trade of those suffi- 
 ciently affluent to be willing to pay the 
 larger price and not be required to 
 wait on themselves and wrap their 
 own packages* 
 
 So universal had been the raid that 
 it was marvellous that boots and shoes 
 should have remained untouched as 
 long as they did* For this, John 
 Goodman and a host of others were 
 profotmdly thankful* Their jubilation 
 was destined to be rudely interrupted, 
 however, and it fell to the lot of John 
 52 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 Goodman himself to be present when 
 His Honor came to the long expected 
 conclusion that it was within the city^s 
 province — ^nay, duty — to garb the 
 nether extremities of its citizens* The 
 mayor had entered the small estab- 
 lishment in which John Goodman 
 toiled for his daily sustenance* 
 
 **Show me a pair of shoes/* he said, 
 in the tone of one accustomed to hom- 
 agc* After two or three trials, John 
 Goodman succeeded in satisfying His 
 Honor in style, quaEty and fit — ^but 
 not in price, as he was soon to learn 
 to his consternation* 
 
 *How much?'' asked the mayor* 
 
 'Tour dollars,'* replied John Good- 
 man, with a fearsome tremble* 
 
 Tour dollars!" shouted His Honor* 
 'How much do they cost you?" 
 53 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 Shaking from head to foot, John 
 confessed that he didn't know* 
 
 *T)on*t know?*' roared the mayor j 
 *'then please tell me what these curious 
 little symbols mean/' 
 
 John reluctantly admitted that they 
 were the cost mark* 
 
 'WeH, can't you read it?" 
 
 Again the unfortunate salesman 
 was obKged to yield to the mayor* 
 Yes, he could read it, but it was a 
 trade secret? his employer would not 
 allow him to divulge it* 
 
 *'Do you realize who I am, young 
 man?" shouted His Honor j *Tm the 
 mayor of Blankburg* It's my business 
 to reveal to the public fust such *trade 
 secrets' as this* Four dollars for shoes 
 — something rotten in the state of 
 Denmark* When I was a boy they 
 were sold for $2*50*" 
 54 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 The mayor indignantly refused to 
 be *'held up/' as he termed it, and 
 postponed reshodding; himself until 
 the municipal shoe store could be put 
 in operation — ^which it was, within 
 a week* 
 
 That afternoon the common coun- 
 cil held a memorable executive ses- 
 sion cafled by the president* A lengthy 
 petition was read, demanding a mu- 
 nicipal newspaper* The aldermen 
 were inclined to favor it* In vain did 
 the mayor plead that the matter be 
 placed upon the table* His enemies, 
 seeing a chance to lure newspaper sup- 
 port away from him, insisted that the 
 petition be acted upon* The vote was 
 favorable and a committee was ap- 
 pointed to get the municipal daily in 
 active operation at the earKest possi- 
 ble momenta ''None of us fellows *II 
 55 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 get roasted any more/' said one alder- 
 man, sagely* 
 
 It was with a heavy heart that the 
 mayor went around to the **Be^le's'' 
 office to break the sad news to his old 
 friend* To his surprise, he found the 
 door closed and a s^n hung upon the 
 window: *TubIication temporarily 
 suspended/' 
 
 **Yes," confessed the editor, when 
 the mayor succeeded in locating him, 
 ^'the advertising stopped and so the 
 paper stopped* I'm going to change 
 my name and go to Chicago/' 
 
 About this time the mayor's sup- 
 porters started to circulate his peti- 
 tions for the gubernatorial primary* 
 Strange to say, an ungrateful people 
 were extremely reluctant to come to 
 his aid* The people who had been 
 '^eliminated" seemed to be the great 
 56 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 predominating majority and they were 
 all looking for somebody else's petition 
 to sign» The mayor was desperate^ 
 If his own city — ^the city which he 
 loved and for which he had sacrificed 
 so much — ^if Blankburg turned against 
 him, how could he hope to win? The 
 governorship, the presidency, receded 
 rapidly from his vision* 
 
 Business — ^which, after all, is the 
 very foundation of the American city; 
 — ^was at a standstill in Blankburg* 
 The main street was one long proces- 
 sion of '*To Rent'* signs* The popu- 
 lation was rapidly dwindling* Those 
 who stayed were unemployed* The 
 factories had all the help needed and 
 the commercial world had been par- 
 alyzed* Taxes were due for a big 
 jump* Rather than not sell at exact 
 cost, the mayor had put into the 
 57 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 budget various items for assistance in 
 distributing goods* This had given 
 work to a few — ^if they were of the 
 right party* *'SeII out and get out/' 
 became a favorite motto, but in most 
 cases only the latter proved practicable. 
 Every bank in town was enjoying a 
 continuous **run/* 
 
 Thanksgiving eve came around 
 again* John Goodman was on his 
 way home* He was looking the re- 
 verse of prosperous* Like most of his 
 trade, he was ''on the street**' Even a 
 municipal ''at cost'* hand-me-down he 
 did not see his way clear to afford* 
 No feeling of elation was in his heart 
 now* He was wondering where he 
 could get enough money to "dig out**' 
 He thot^ht of a year ago to-night 
 with a bitter smile* He remembered 
 hi« wife's surprise and joy# Yes, tur- 
 58 
 
CHEAP TURKEY 
 
 key was still chcap« John had seen 
 the price marks at the municipal mar- 
 ket on his way home* Turkey was 
 cheapt all right, but John Goodman 
 had no money to pay for it. 
 
 59 
 
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