LIBRARY OWVERSI.'YOF CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO presented to the UNIVERSITY LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO by Mrs. Griff ing Bancroft PUBLISHERS' ANNOUNCEMENT. Among the many humorists of America, not one is better known, or more readily a,ccoroecl a high rank by the public, than Henry W ^ha,w (Josh Billings). No writer of the present age. i, so universally quoted from as he. His name is familiar to every tongue, and scarcely a paper in tLe country appears without more or less space devoted to the sayings of "Josh Billings." His ready pen seems adapted to all sub- jects, and he is equally at home, whether writing on the gravest or the most trivial matters. PUNGENCY, BBEVITY, AND QUAINTNESS seem to be prominent characteristics of his produc- tions, while a fountain of the richest wit supplies his pen with humor, and its waters sparkle and glimmer like diamonds upon the paper, as he traces thereon his description of objects in his undisputably original style. His jokes are alwaye clear and perceptible, and his satire, pointed and keen, invariably strikes home. As laughter is conducive to health, and as nothing is learned so easily and remembered so tenaciously as that with which something pleasant is connected, this volume will prove doubly advantageous, as it consists of matter in which wit and wisdom are so equally mingled, that the reader will rise from its perusal undecided whether he has gained most by its reading, bodily health, or general knowledge. Thousands are eager to place upon their tables and in their libraries a volume which will be a fair speci- men of the writings of this great American humorist, and the publishers of this book take great pleasure in being able to offer them an opportunity to gratify so laudable a desire. Jf OF JOSH BILLINGS, (HENRY W. SHAW.) WITH ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHERS, AND A BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. REVISED, EDITION. NEW YORK : G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers. MDCCCXCIX. COPYRIGHT, 1876, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO. Josh Billings. Tf FRANCIS S. STREET, and FRANCIS S. SMITH, [EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS OF "THE NEW YORK WEEKLY."] M7 PATBONS AND FBIENDS. THIS BOOK IS DE DIG ATED. NEW VORK, 1873. JOSH BILLING* TABLE OV KONTENTS. Page. 1 Kontentment 33 2 Marriage 36 3 Fashion's Prayer .... 38 4 The Bizzy Body .... 40 5 Fastidiousness 42 6 Love 43 7 Fear 44 8 Buty 45 9 Faith 46 10 Branes 47 11 Spring and Biles .... 48 12 Tight Boots 50 13 The Lam and the Duv . . 52 14 The Duv 55 15 The Old Bachelor .... 57 16 Horns 59 17 Kissing 62 18 About Pharming .... 65 19 Questions and Answers . . 68 20 Whissling 69 21 Hotels 72 22 Laffing ........ 75 23 Hoss Sense 7P 24 Silence 79 25 Bravery . 80 26 Dispatch ....... 81 27 Pik out a Wife . , 82 Page. 28 Watermellons ...... 83 29 Pik out a Dog .. 30 Pik out a Kat 31 Lost Arts 32 To Komic Lekturera 84 86 86 89 33 Fashion ........ 92 34 Fun ......... 93 35 Fret ......... 94 36 Fury ......... 94 37 Fits ......... 95 38 Fuss ......... 95 39 Fellow ........ 96 40 Flunkey ........ 96 41 Finis ......... 96 42 Nu Foundland and Tarrier . 97 43 The Rat Tarrier ..... 99 44 The Monkey ...... 100 45 The Pissmire ..... .103 46 The Pole Kat . - . . . .104 47 The Weazel ...... 105 48 Angle Worms ..... 107 49 The Mouse ....... 108 50 The Taller Dog ..... 110 51 Roosters ........ 113 52 The Fox ....... 115 53 Aunt and Grasshopper . .118 54 A Hen ........ 120 55 TheGote ....... 124 7 Vlll TABLE OV KONTENTS. 56 Goose Talk 126 57 The Clam 128 58 Snails 128 59 Striped Snake 129 60 Babys 130 61 The Crab 132 62 Essa on Swine 132 63 Cat and Kangaroo . . . .133 64 The Codfish 136 65 The Mackrel 137 66 The Pollywogg ...... 137 67 The Bullhead 138 68 Mud Turkles 139 69 The Fly 140 70 The Crow '.143 71 The Bumble Bee .... 144 72 The Robbing 145 73 The Swallo 146 74 The Bat 146 75 The Hawk 147 76 The Meddo Mole .... 148 77 The Possum 149 78 The Cursid Musketo ... 151 79 The Hornet 154 80 The Rabbit 157 81 The Poodle 158 82 The Partridge 159 83 The Snipe 160 84 The Cockroach 160 85 The Mule 163 86 Bed Bugs 164 87 The Flea 165 88 Not enny Sha.nghi .... 166 89 The Aunt 169 90 The Adder 172 91 The Striped Snaik .... 172 92 The Blue Racer 174 93 The Blak Snaik 174 94 The Milk Snaik 175 95 Raccoon and Pettyfogger . 176 96 The Duk 179 97 The Turkey 180 98 The Hosstritch 181 99 The Parrot 182 100 The Bobalink ...... 189 101 The Eagle 183 102 Natral History 183 103 Kats 186 104 The Hum Bugg ... . 18; 105 The Bugg Bear 186 106 The Game Chicken . , -190 107 The Duk 190 108 Sandy Hill Crane .... 192 109 The Rattlesnaix 193 110 The Hoop Snaix .... 194 111 The Anakondy 195 112 The Garter Snaix . . . .195 113 The Eel Snaix 196 114 See Sarpent Suaix . , . . 19C 115 Kopper-hed Snaix .... 197 116 The Blujay ....... 19t 117 The Quail 199 118 The Partridge 199 119 The Woodkok ... . . 200 120 The Guina Hen . . . . . 200 121 The Goslin ... . . 201 122 The Grub 202 123 The Lady Bug 204 124 The Tree Tud 204 125 The Porknpine 204 126 Devils Darning Needle . . 205 127 Ramrods 20G 128 Lobstir Sallad ..... 209 129 Mollassis Kandy 211 130 Puddin & Milk 215 131 Plum Pits 217 132 Chips 221 133 Koarse Shot 223 134 Slips of the Pc-n 226 135 Glass Dimonds 228 136 Jews Harps 231 137 Tadpoles 233 138 Pepper Pods 237 139 Hooks & Eyes 240 140 Jaw Bones 244 141 Ods and Ens 245 142 Fust Impresuns 249 143 Plum Pits . , , , .25? TABLE OV KOMTENTS. 144 Gnats 255 145 Kindling Wood 256 146 Phish Bawls 260 147 Stray Children ... .264 148 luk Brats 269 149 Lightning Bugs 272 150 Parboils 275 151 Nest Eggs 277 3J2 Chicken Feed 280 153 Hard Tack 283 154 Sollum Thoughts .... 286 155 Ink Lings 288 156 Embers on the Hearth . . 292 157 Hot Korn 291 158 Foundlings 298 159 Drk-d Fruit 300 160 Remnants 301 161 Remarks 303 162 Saws 306 163 Remarks 309 164 Nosegays 311 165 Shooting Stars 316 166 The Interviewer 320 167 The Musk Rat 322 168 The Mink 323 109 Distrikt Schoolmaster . . 324 170 The Pompous Man . . . .326 171 The One Idea Man . . . . 327 172 The Happy Man . . . .327 173 The Henpecked Man . . .328 174 The Officious Man .... 328 175 ThePhunny Man . . . . 329 176 The Cheeky Man . . . .329 177 The Live Man 330 178 The Faultfinder 331 179 The Border Indjun .... 332 180 The Cunning Man .... 336 181 The Loafer 341 182 The Projector 342 183 TheKondem Phool . . . 343 184 The Obtuse Man .... 345 185 ThePositiffMan . . . . 346 186 The Crosa Man 347 187 The Pashunt Man . . 347 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 11)8 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 210 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 The Funny Man . . , , 847 The Honest Man .... 848 The Square Man .... 348 The Oblong Man . . .349 The Perpindiklar Man . 350 The Limber Man . . 3dC The Jolly Man ... 35d The Pewter Man . . .351 The Fiteing Man . . .351 The Precise Man . . 352 Coquette and Prude . 353 The Effeminate Man . . 356 The Jealous Man .... 357 The Anonymous Man . . . 357 The Stiff Man 357 The Model Man . . 358 The Neat Person . John Bascoinb . . Elizibeth Meachem . Good Rezolushuns . My Fust Gong . . Korn . . 359 . 361 . 364 . 366 . 369 . 370 Advertizement 372 Tew Lectur Kommitiys . . 373 Letter to Fanners .... 376 A Tempranse Klub ... 377 The Proverbial Pig ... 380 Sowing Sosiety Address .. . 381 The Fust Baby 383 Billings under Oath ... 383 At Niagr* Falls 386 Negro and Trout .... 390 Dandy and Thimble Rigger 393 Long Branch 396 Billiards 400 Habits of Grate Men . . .401 Insures his Life 403 Tew pick out a Hoss . Agrikultural Hoss Trot Oats Pashunce of Job . . The Game of Yewker . Beer . 404 407 409 413 415 416 Laughing . 418 TABLE 0V KONTENTS. 232 The Advent No. 2 . . . . 419 233 Questions and Answers . . 422 234 Saratoga and Lake George . 424 235 Sum Vegetable History . . 428 236 New Ashf ord 428 237 Bends 432 238 Koliding 434 239 At Short Range 438 240 Beau Bennett 440 241 To Male Young Men ... 442 242 Female Remarks .... 445 243 Private Opinyuns .... 447 244 On Courting 451 245 Nuzepaper Tailings . . . 452 246 Mounts a Velocipede . . . 456 247 The Rase Koarse .... 458 848 Billings Lexicon . . .462 249 Owly 468 250 Pordunk Village ... 468 251 4 Letters 472 252 Settles with Correspondents 475 253 A Loose Epistle 477 254 Short Replys 480 255 Wimmins Rights .... 483 256 Dog Talk 487 258 Short but Sweet .... 490 : 259 Josh Replies 494 260 Hair Oil Man 497 261 The Gassy Man 500 262 The Sharp Man 501 263 The Lazy Man 502 264 The Nervous Man . . . .502 265 The Dignified Man. ... 503 266 The Weak Man . . 604 VOX LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. Page. 1 STEEL PORTRAIT .... l 2 DARWIN & WHISKEY ... 1 1 3 ESSAYS 33 4 PERFECTLY SATISFIED . . 34 5 FASHUNS PRAYER .... 40 6 FASTIDIOUSNESS .... 43 7 BILES 50 8 THE LAM & Duv .... 54 9 IN A HORN 60 10 CONNUBIAL BLISS .... 64 11 HORACE GREELEY .... 65 12 WHISSLLNG 70 13 AN ORATION 78 14 ESOPS JACKASS 83 15 COMIK LEKTURE .... 90 16 Fuss & FEATHERS .... 93 17 ANIMATED NATUR .... 97 18 A NEWFOUNDLAND DOG . . 98 19 THE POLE KAT 104 20 A TALLER DOG Ill 21 A SLY Fox 117 22 A PHOOL OF A HEN . . .123 23 GOOSE TALK 127 24 SPICE BOX 129 25 CAT AND KANGAROO . . . 134 26 ANNIMATED NATUR . . .136 11 27 THE FLY ....... 140 28 A NIGHTMARE 145 29 THE MUSKETO . . . 152 30 THE RABBIT 157 31 THE MULE 163 32 THE SHANGHI . . . . .167 33 SNAIX 173 34 PUBLIK INSTITUTIONS . . 174 35 FEATHERED ONES .... 179 86 KATS 186 37 THE GAME CHICKEN . . .190 38 MORE SNAIX 194 39 THE BLUJAY 193 40 VERMIN 203 41 AFFURISMS 206 42 RAMRODS 207 43 MOLASIS KANDY . < . 212 44 CHRISTMAS PIE 218 45 KOARSE SHOT 223 46 GLASS DIMONDS 229 47 TADPOLES 234 48 HOOKS & EYES 241 49 A MTSICAT, DUETT. . . .244 50 ODDS & ENDS 246 51 FIRST IMPRESSIONS . . . 249 52 VOTING . . 263 XI LIST OF ILLUSTKATJONB. Page. 53 THE WORLD ON FIBE . . 257 54 STRAY CHILDREN .... 264 55 LIGHTNING BUGS .... 272 56 NEST EGG& 278 58 HAUD TACK 284 59 INK-LINGS 289 GO HOT KORN 295 01 REMNANTS 302 62 SAWS 306 63 NOSEGAYS 312 64 SHOOTING STABS .... 317 66 THE INTERVIEWER . . . 321 67 THE YANKEE 327 68 SPINSTERS 332 69 INJUNS 335 70 FREQUENT KRITTEBS. . . 341 71 PECULIAR ONES 349 72 COQUET & PRUDE, . . . 354 73 THE NEAT PERSON. . . . 360 74 JOHN BASCOMB 362 76 GOOD REZOL.USHUNS . . . 367 77 KORNS 371 78 LEKTUK COMMITTEES. . . 374 79 TEMPERANCE KLUB . . 378 80 PORDUNK SOWING SOCIETY. 382 81 A BOOKEEPER 384 82 TAKES A DRINK 392 63 AT LONG BRANCH . . 897 84 GRATE MEN 401 86 THE Hoss 405 87 A HOSS-LAFP 41f 88 Mi WASHERWOMAN . . . 414 89 BEER ........ 417 90 SCIENCE 420 91 LONG BRANCH 425 92 TADPOLES 431 93 TEW LATE 435 95 SKATING AKCIDENT . . . 437 96 AT PRAYERS 441 97 TEW MUTCH WHISKEY . . 443 98 PRIVATE OPINIONS . . . 448 99 LATEST NEWS 453 100 THE RACES 459 101 SPINNING YARNS . . 466 i j 102 PORDUNK CHURCHYARD. . 469 103 To CORRESPONDENTS . . 472 : 104 LETTERBOXES. . . . 473 105 Hiz WASHERWOMAN . . . 478 106 WIMMINS RONGS .... 483 107 MEETING A BEAR .... 488 108 AMONG BEASTS 490 109 HOTEL PORTER ... .494 113 A DOMESTIK SCENE . . . 498 ! 124 DEMOCRATIC ORATOB . . 500 129 SUICIDE . 504 BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION, ADAPTED FBOM THE LONDON EDITION. IN the United States of America a " show " is the generic name comprising every description of enter- tainment, being equally applied to an equestrian per- formance, a dramatic company, an operatic concert, a political oration, or a lecture on the geology of the oil district of Pennsylvania. A few years ago, when I did not know America quite so well as I do now, I was asked by Mr. Barnum to meet him on a matter of business at his celebrated Museum on Broadway. Every one who has visited New York and called in at that strangely-jumbled exhibition, will remember a small room on the first landing, with " Mr. Barnum Private " painted on the door. I don't know whether any show-case in the Museum was as attrac- tive to the crowds of country visitors as that little room proved to be. Though privacy was written on the post, publicity was ever peeping in at the door Shrewd, astute, and ruse as Barnum is, none knew better than he that the greatest object of interest is the Museum was himself. Hence he arranged to have his private room immediately in front of the public JtiV BIOJrKAPHICAL LNTRODCCTION. staircase, with the door always a little opeii, to pique curiosity, unless really important business required absolute seclusion. In this room, or rather in this glass-case, for its three sides were of glass, like tho cases containing the wax-figures and the stuffed ani- mals, Barnuni and I met. He conversed about differ snt speculations he had on hand, and various ideas which he wished to carry out Some of them were very characteristic of the man and his spirit of enter- prise. One, was to organize an expedition to the mouth of Davis's Straits at the proper season, select a very large iceberg, bring it down in the tow of two or three steamers to New York Bay, put a floating fence around it, exhibit the iceberg at twenty-five cents admission, and realize a large profit by making and vending sherry cobblers with ice from the real iceberg ! Another idea suggested by the man of many shows was to get the American Minister at the Court of Constantinople to apply to the Sultan for a firman to permit Barnum or his agent to visit the mosque at Hebron, traditionally asserted to be built over the Cave of Machpelah, in which the remains of the patriarchs were buried. " If we could only get the remains of Abraham and bring them to New York ! " exclaimed the deus ex maohind of the Museum, rubbing his hands with delight at the in- genuity of the thought. Then, after a moment's re- flection, and knowing me to be well acquainted with England, he remaiked, inquiringly, "What do you think of Spurgeon for a show? Could he be got over here 2 " To me unused as I then was to A men BIOGRAPHICAL INTBODtTCTION. can manners, the association of a clergyman with Bartlemy Fair and Barnum's Museum seemed ludi rrously incongruous. Subsequently my experience taught me to believe that some of the preachers of the United States look at their position from th( same point of view as did Mr. Barnum in wishing to speculate in Spurgeon. A " showman,'' as well as an author, Josh Billings is now regarded in the cities of the Union. In England we would style him a facetious lecturer, but the lecturing business in America is carried out with all the arts, formulae and appurtenances of showmanship. There are the large posters, the puff advertisements, the agent in advance, and the litho- graphs plain or colored, all brought into requisition. It is quite true that if Charles Dickens visited Man- chester or Birmingham to read " Doctor Marigold " or " The Christmas Carol," he also had his agent and his yellow window-bills with the black and red print- ing ; but the window-bill is limited to a size and is printed in a style fitting to the superior class of en- tertainment ; while, in America, the posters of the popular lecturer are as showy and as exciting as those of Van Amburgh with his wild beasts, or the Haul on Brothers with their feats on the trapeze. Quaintness, however, is an essential requisite in the placard of the facetious lecturer. Artemus Ward ased to announce in large letters on the walls that he would " Speak a Piece " at a certain place and on a certain date. Josh Billings announces in a still more mystic manner, strorgly reminding 1 the observer XVI UK GRAPHICAL, INTBOntTOTlON. of Ruskin's bizarre, grotesque, enigmatical titles. ] have before me, as T write, a printed notice whicb reads thus : "ALLYN HALL, HARTFORD. JOSH BILLINGS, On the 7th, WITH ins HOBBY HORSE." The reader who is anxious to know what Josh kil- lings means by an. advertisement so eccentric in its character can have his curiosity satisfied by turning to page 404 of this work. The chapter is headed " How to pick out a good Horse," and the caption is assuredly none the more inappropriate or infelicitous than are the titular conundrums of the " Seven Lamps of Architecture," " Unto this Last," or " A Crown of Wild Olives." John Ruskin and Josh Billings understand with equal clearness the value of a title which shall arrest attention by not being too easy of comprehension. I first heard of Josh Billings several years ago when crossing the Isthmus of Panama by that re- markable railway which connects the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. When N inez de Bilboa in the olden time had his first peep of the Pacific, and beheld the ocean which no European had before seen, from an eminence which is now a station of the railway, he little thought that in a few centuries hence tht etearu BIOGRAPHICAL IN CKODUOTION. J TU engine would haul thousands upon thousands oi Christians up to the same summit, and allow them to enjoy the same sight at so many American dollars each. Terribly prosaic is this earth becoming ! And, despite Schiller and Coleridge, it is scarcely Jupiter who " brings whate'er is good," or Venus " who brings everything that's fair." A locomotive or a steamboat will bi ing or take you to both ; and a railway it was which brought me to know of Josh Billings. The incident was simply this : Midway on the Panama railway there is a station at which travellers alight while the engineer looks after his supply of wood and water. A beautifully picturesque station it is, looking from it along the toad which you have come, or adown that portion of the railway track which you have to go a luxuriance of tropical vegetation meets the eye, overpowering the mind with the wild profusion of its beauty. Nature seems to revel in a wealth of verdure. Palms, bananas, and trees innumerable of every graceful form tower upwards to the unclouded sky, or arch over the flower-garnished earth. The trunk of each is invisi- ble ; for creeping plants of the most delicate growth entwine around the wood, hang in loops from the boughs, connect tree to tree with a lace- work of ex- juisite elegance and sun-dyed brilliancy, and sway in wreaths of natural arabesque to and fro in the fra- grant, moist, and enervating air. The station lies back from the road, and, if L remember rightly, is thatched with palm leaves. As I alighted at it, groups of native New-Grenadiane clusters \ around XV111 BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. me, the younger ones being ali-iost in a state oJ uudity. Some offered me oranges, some h ananas, some milk in a green-glass bottle, and one of then) wished me to buy a monkey. Pushing through them, I made my way for the station, the sultry atmosphere having rendered me languid and a gentle stimulus being desirable. I expected to find the refreshment department in the care of a native, or, at any rate, of a Spaniard ; but the ubiquitous Yankee was master of the premises, and a forlorn ague-stricken, quinine- and-calomel-looking master he seemed to be. His whiskey was something not to be forgotten ; nor were his dogs, half a dozen of which were running about the place, the greatest burlesques of the race canine I had hitherto seen. They were all lean, hungry, and wolfish-eyed. Their tails drooped mournfully, as if the seething heat had melted the sinews and softened the bones ; they whined peevishly, but bark there was none their owner required it all to keep the ague away. I had drunk my whiskey, become Chris- tian in my feelings, and was silently pitying the poor animals, when the proprietor of the miserable dog-flesh, stationing himself beside me, and placing his hands on his hips, sententiously observed, "Them critturs are the pride of the Isthmus, They're a pair of the most elegant puppies in this State. Nary one of 'em would flunk out before any log." " They look very cowardly about the tail," I re marked. "That's the way of dogs' tails on the Isthmus,' j o BIOGRAT BTOAL rNTRODUOTIOA. waa his response. " Do you know what fosh JSil lings says about dogs' tails ? " I frankly confessed that I did not ; adding, that I was profoundly ignorant of Josh Billings, and pleas- antly intimating that I supposed him to he one of the guards on the line. " 1 guess you haven't read the papers lately," con- tinued my new acquaintance, as though pitying mj ignorance. " Josh Billing* knows that there are some dogs' tails which can't be got to curl no ways, and some which will, and you can't stop 'em. He says, that if you bathe a curly-tailed dog's tail in oil and bind it in splints, you cannot get the crook out of it ; and Josh, who says a sight of .good things, says that a man's way of thinking is the crook in the dog's tail, and can't be got out, and that every one should be al- lowed to wag his own peculiarity in peace." That my Yankee acquaintance was partial to Josh Billings, and that anything which related to dogs was congenial with his tastes, I furthermore ascer- tained by noticing two scraps of paper posted on the rough wall of his cabin. I copied both. One was in prose and the other in rhyme. Here is the prose one : DOGS. " Dogs are not vagabones bi choise and luv tew be- long tu sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i have alwas rated the dog az about the seventh cusin tew the human specious. Tha kant talk but tha can lik yure hand ; this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where other folks' tungs is. Josh killings" MOGRAPmCAL Thus it was that I first heard of Josh Billings, L. fclie course of my voyage from Aspinwall to Ne~w York, while seated on the deck of the steamer, listen- ing to the drolleries of a group of very convivial pas- sengers, and gliding along the coast of Cuba in the brightness, sheen, and splendor of a tropical night, I heard many of his best things recited, and his name frequently quoted as that of one who had already taken his place in American literature. Oliver Wen dell Holmes I had known for years, Artemus Ward was a household name in California, James Russell Lowell had become a familiar acquaintance through the " Biglow Papers ; " but who was Josh Billings ? I asked my compagnons de voyage, but all they knew of him was that he was a very clever fellow who had written some very clever things. Whether he lived in New York State, Pennsylvania, Vermont, or Mis- souri, no one could tell me, nor could I get any satis- factory information as to the journal in which his articles had first appeared, what his antecedents were, or whether the name attached to his writings was that of his parentage and christening, or merely a whimsical nonwtie de plwme. Long after my arrival in New York the mystery remained unsolved. I applied to literary friends for its solution, but all they seemed to know was that various smart things had run the round of the papers with the signature of "Josh Billings" to them, but in what paper they had originated or by whom they were written none could give me information, My friend George Arnold, a well-known wit of BIOGRAPHICAL, LNTEODUCTION. XX. che New York Leader, knew of my anxiety. Meet ing me one day at Crook and Duff's Restaurant, the mid -day rallying point of most of the geivial spirits of New York, he drew me aside and gravely asked " Have you found out yet who Josh Billings ie ? w " I have not," I answered. " Do you know ? " " Yes ; but keep it dark. Only five of his fri< nds have been let into the secret It would not do to let the world know. His position would be damaged." " Who is it ? " I demanded eagerly. " Is it Hosea Biglow under a new name ? " " No ; somebody better known." " Horace Greeley ? " I suggested, interrogatively. " No. A still greater man. Can't you guess ? " "Really, I cannot. Don't keep me in suspense Tell me.' " The author is " and my friend paused " the author of Josh Billings is none other than President Lincoln ! " My informant made the communication so gravely, that for the moment I believed it ; especially as some few days previous, being down in Washington, I had occasion to know that Barney Williams, the actor, was summoned to the White House on a Sunday afternoon, that he spent some hours with the Presi dent, and that on his return in the evening to Wil- lard's Hotel he assured me that the President had beaten him in telling funny stories, and had said the drollest things he had heard for many a day. That my information was nothing more than a hoax the Sail BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. reader -will readily suppose; but I felt bound tc u pass ifc on" to niy acquaintances, with a like injanc don to secresy, until at length I had the amusement of hearing that it had reached the ears of Mr. Lincoln, who laughed heartily. at the joke, and pleasantly ob- served that his shoulders were hardly broad enough to bear the burdens of the State, without having to carry the sins of all its wits and jesters. Time passed on and business called me to take a trip one day up the Hudson River to the pleasant little town of Poughkeepsie. What a quiet, charm- ing little town it is, those who have visited it can well remember. I selected the steamer Armenian for my trip up the river. The Rhine of America never was seen to more advantage than it was on that bright summer's day, and Poughkeepsie never looked fairer than as I saw it from the middle of the stream. I landed at a town on the left bank, crossed the river, went down to Poughkeepsie by rail, and arrived there late in the evening, I knew of only two staple pro- ducts of the place, and they were whiskey and spiritualism. The whiskey I tasted, and the spiritu- alism I went in search of in the person of Andrew Jackson Davis, the Swedenborg of the United States, whose books on the unseen world have been intro- duced to the British public by Mr. Howitt. A kindly Poughkeepsian volunteered to conduct me to where the great mysticist had lived ; but I found, to my disappointment, that he was then absent from the town. To console me for my ill-luck, in not being abl* to see so great a celebrity, my guide soothing!} BIOGRAPHICAL IWTKODUCTION. observed that there was another great writer resident in and belonging to Poughkeepsie. " Who IB he ? " I asked u Why, Josh Billings ! " was the reply. Eureka ! I had found him. I had unearthed my game at last and discovered my eremite in his mystic seclusion. I lost no time in inquiring who Josh Bil- lings was and where he lived. " His name is Shaw Henry W. Shaw. He's an auctioneer, and I'll show you the way to his house," volunteered my friendly guide. We went to the house ; but like Mr. Davis, Mr. Shaw was not at home. All that I could then learn about him was that he belonged to Poughkeepsie, that he had been tlie Auctioneer of the town for many years, that he was by no means a young man, that his address for the general public was " Box 467 " at the Post-office, that he was a very business-like person, and that he wrote articles for the newspapers, as well as sold property by auction and acted as agent for the transfer of real estate. The reader will therefore fully comprehend how much Mr. Shaw felt himself to be in his element while writing the chapter headed " Advertizement," in which he offers "To sell for eighteen hundred and thirty -nine dol lars a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks of the Hudson river, kontaining 85 acres. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Ilomau cement, bound the estate, while upward and down ward, the eye catches far away, the magesta an 1 slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young moon hangs XXIV BIOGRAPHICAL INTKODUCTION. like a cutting of silver from the blue biest tf the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. The angel goe with the place)." Better fortune led me at last to meet Mr. Shaw in New York City. We were introduced to one another at Artemus Ward's Mormon entertainment on Broad- way. I found a man rather above the middle height, sparse in build, sharp in features, his long hair slightly turning gray, and his age between forty and fifty, re- served in manner, a rustic, unpolished demeanor, and looking more like a country farmer than a genial man of letters or a professed wit and a public lecturer on playful subjects. I can vouch for his geniality, for, on the evening of our first meeeting, we adjourned from Dodworth Hall to the St. Denis Hotel opposite, and, in the company of a few friends, spent a mirth- ful hour or two. The night was bitter cold ; but warm sherry, excellent Bourbon, and jovial spirits made the bleak wind which whistled up Broadway from the Bay, as melodious as the music of lutes. Mr. Shaw informed me that he was born in the State of Massachusetts, town of Lanesboro, county of Berkshire, and came from Puritan stock. He said that his father and grandfather both had been mem- bers of Congress, and each one had left so pure a po litical record, that he himself had never dared to enter the arena of politics. His first literary efforts in the comic line were published in the country papers of New York State ; many of them first attracted at tention in the columns of the Poughlce&psie Daily BIOGKAl'HICAL INTRODUCTION. Press. In America a populai author has much more scope for gaining publicity and popularity than he has in England. The newspapers of the Union are always ready to receive pithy paragraphs from clever men, and to attach the authors' name to them. The great secret of the popularity of Artemus Ward and of Josh Billings is simply that which the late Albert Smith of England so well understood years ago, never to publish any article, however trivial or lengthy, without the signature or the initials of the writer to it. A smart, terse, pungent paragraph in- serted with the author's real or assumed name at- tached, in one of the journals of the United States, soon finds its way from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and from the Gulf of St. Lawrence to the Gulf of Mexico. With comparatively little trouble, except to worry his brains for comic ideas no slight trouble, nevertheless the wit of the Western world soon gains notoriety, if not fame. His racy article of a few lines is copied into paper after paper, until his name be- comes familiar in all the cities of the Union. This accomplished, a new field of enterprise opens up. Some speculative man in New York or Boston thinks what a good and profitable enterprise it would be to engage the funny man whose printed jokes circulate everywhere, engage to give him so much per month for a year or two, have some large woodcuts engraved, some showy posters struck off, some smart advertise- ments written, halls taken throughout the country, and the man of many jokes made to retail them all over the land at an admissior fee varying from one XXVI BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. dollai down to twenty-five cents. Only a few years ngo the business of joking in public the joker him self appearing before the audience \vus pietty well confined to the clown of the circus and the " middle man " and " end-man " of the negro minstrel troupe Things change rapidly across the Atlantic, and at the present day the clown in motley and the minstrel : .T burnt-cork have their vocation superseded by the face- tious lecturer, dressed in evening costume, travelling with gaudy show-bills, and having a literary as well as an oratorical reputation. Not a single writer on '* Punch " or " Fun," if he had been trained in America and had written there, but would have thrown the desk aside for the rostrum long ago. Simply to write is not excitement enough for your ardent Ameri- can, if he can enjoy the applause of an audience, and make dollars at the same time, merely by being tiw mouthpiece of his own jokes. Bowing to the fate of nearly all comic men in his native country, Mr. Shaw was ferreted out in his Poughkeepsie home, and urgently solicited to accept an engagement as a public lecturer He tried the experiment in the Athenaeums and Lyceums of his own State, and succeeding, followed up his new call- ing until now he is recognized as an established, legi- timate, and lucrative " show," having his proper value in the market, and is assigned status on the rostrum. tie travels over the United States with his Lectures, entitled, "Hobby Horse " " Specimen Brix"- " Sandwiches " " What I Tcno about Hotel* " etc.. and is making money more rapidly than ever he did BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. with the hammer of an auctioneer. Many good stories are told of him. One is that be ng in Wash- ington, and asked by a politician there relative to his opinion of Thaddeus Stevens, of Pennsylvania, who opposed President Johnson so hotly in the Govern- ment, and who figured as a thoroughly ultra-radical, Mr Shaw replied, " Give me leave to recite a little dream I had last night. I fancied that I was in the lower regions, and while engaged in conversation with the proprietor, an imp announced that Thad Stevens was at the door desiring admission. Old Nick promptly and emphatically refused him en trance on the ground that he would be continually disturbing the peace and order of the place. The imp soon returned, saying that Thaddeus insisted on coming in, declaring that he had no other place to go to. After much deliberation, Old Nick's face sud denly brightened with a new idea, and he exclaimed, ' I've got it. Tell the Janitor to give him six bushels of brimstone and a box of matches, and let him go and dtart a little place of his own.' ' Having described who Josh Billings is, it may bo. fitting to add a few words relative to his writings and their position in the comic literature of America. Fun is indigenous to the soil, it wells up from the Western prairie, sparkles in the foam of Niagara, springs up in the cotton-fields of the South, and oozes out from the paving-stones of the cities of thu North The people of the United States are fun-loving and fun -makers. Of the peculiar character of the fun a word or two may be written presently. There is XXV111 BIOGRAl'llICA I IMKODUCTTON. always some popular man wearing the cap and bells, and reflecting the humor of his land. At one period the author,' whom all the papers quote, is Sam Slick, Doesticks, then John Phoenix, then Major Downing, then Artemus Ward, then Orpheus C. Kerr, and then Josh Billings. As fast as one resigns the position, another takes his place " Uno avulso non deficit alter" During the war, joking went on at a faster pace than ever, and even those who did not esteem President Lincoln for his patriotism valued him im- mensely for his jokes. The jingle of the bells in the hand of Momus and the clank of the sabre attached to the waist of the modern sons of Mars, were ever mingled throughout the long and fiercely-contested conflict. Take a little of Martin Farquhar Tupper, and a little of Artemus Ward, knead them together, and you may make something which approaches to a Josh Billings. That Mr. Shaw aspires to be a comic Tupper is evidenced in the various chapters headed " Proverbs," " Remarks," " Sayins," and " Afferisims." That he has had Artemus Ward be- fore him is demonstrable by comparing the chapter in which " Josh Billings Insures his Life? with Ar- temus Ward's celebrated paper, entitled "His Auto- biography*" * But Artemus is great in telling a story, having an imaginative power to conceive an ac cident, plan the action of a piece of drollery, invent aa odd character, and describe his creation with infinite humor and force. The talent of Mr. Shaw is of * " ArtemtiB Ward, His Book," p. 316. BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. XXI 1 another kind. He is aphoristically comic, il I may use the phrase. He delights in being ludiciously sen- tentious in Tupperizing laughingly, and in causing au old adage to appear a new one through the fantas- tic manner in which it is dished up. He is the comic essayist of America, rather than her comic story-teller. His first book was issued May 19, 1866, in New York, by George W. Carleton, the publisher of Ar- temus Ward's Works, and was entitled " Josh Bil- lings, His Book." This volume had a large sale, and was followed in July, 1868, by a new work entitled " Josh Billings on Ice." But his greatest success, in a literary line, was the publication of JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX, of which the New York Tribune, in 1875, says : " Several years ago Mr. Carleton, the publisher was seized with the belief that a burlesque of the popular almanac, such as the " Old Farmers 1 Alma- nac," to which New England pinned its meteorologi ca faith, would be remunerative. He suggested the idea first to " Artemus Ward," afterwards to " Or- pheus C. Kerr," and next to " Doesticks," but none of them thought favorably of it. An arrangement was at last made with "Josh Billings," and so the "All- minax" came about. Nearly 150,000 copies were sold the first 5 ear, 1870, and almost as many since, and though the retail price is only a quarter of a dollar, Mr. Shaw is said to have received neaily $5,000 the first year, and over $30,000 in all." It has been said of Josh Billings by one of thf JDCX BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. critics of his own land that " His wit has IK) edge tc betray a malicious motive ; but is rathei a Feejeo club, grotesquely carved aiid painted, that makes those who feel it grin while they wince. All whom he kills die with a smile upon their faces." In direct- ing his shafts against humbug, pretension, and falsity he worthily carries out the true vocation of the comic writer. Many authors there are who write funnily merely to amuse. There is always a higher purpose peeping out from among the quaint fancies and odd expressions of Josh Billings. Just inasmuch as America is prolific of humorists and satirists, does she require them. The bane and the antidote grow in the same garden. Were it not for the satirists of America of whom Tosh Billings is one as well as a humorist it is diffi- cult to imagine to what ludicrous eccentricities the people would lend themselves. Too self-sufficient to listen to argument, they are keenly sensitive to ridi- cule, and a little of Josh Billings is more effective in doing good than the best sermon a foreign friend could preach them. Burlesque their salient, amiable weaknesses that is, let them be burlesqued by one of their own people, not by a foreigner and they at once see the point of the joke. In illustration of this, there was a paper in Cincinnati which was veiy much given to use the phrase, " this great country v and carried the use of it to an unwarrantable extent. ic ceased to do so when the following appeared in a neighboring journal : " This is a glorious country ! It has longer rivers BIOGRAPHICAL INTRO! UCTION. 1TX1 and more of them, and they are muddier and deeper, and run faster, and rise higher, and make more noise, and fall lower, and do more damage than anybody else's rivers. It has more lakes, and they are biggei and deeper, and clearer, and wetter than those of any other country. Our rail-cars are bigger, and ruL faster, and pitch off the track oftener, and kill more people than all other rail-cars in this and every other country. Our steamboats carry bigger loads, arc longer and broader, burst their boilers ofteuer, and send up their passengers higher, and the captains swear harder than steamboat captains in any other country. Our men are bigger, and longer, and thicker, can fight harder and faster, drink more mean whiskey, chew more bad tobacco, and spit more, and spit further than in any other country. Our ladies are richer, prettier, dress finer, spend more money, break more hearts, wear bigger hoops, shorter dresses, and kick up the devil generally to a greater extent than all other ladies in all other countries. Our chil- dren squall louder, grow faster, get too expansive for their pantaloons, and become twenty years old sooner by some months than any other children of any other country on the earth." Burlesques, such as the above, whether written bj Art emus Ward or Josh Billings, have not been with- out their good effect in the United States. The genius of " Lifaluten " as the Americans call it the word ia derived, I believe, from " hyphen-looping " has re ceived many mortal wounds lately from the hands of the satirists and good results have ensued. XXX11 tflOGKAJMITCAL INTRODLOTION. The writings of Josh Billings can act be read with out exciting mirth, without sometimes hitting home, nor without the reader becoming satisfied thai America has added to her humorous authors one in every way well qualified to take foremost rank. For real side-shaking fun, the reader may turn to many pages of this volume and find a copious supply ; but, if he is desirous of humor and pathos allied, let him turn to the chapter on " The Fust Baby," page 383. He will there find that, underlying the caustic wit of Josh Billings, and a stratum or two deeper than his quaint fun, is a quiet layer of genuine feel ing capable of comprehending and of originating the power to express the very poetry of pathos. The " fust baby " born " on the wrong side of the garden ov Eden " is invested in this humorous essay with all the interest which babyhood is susceptible of acquir ing. There is little that remains to be said relative to Mr. Shaw, except to express the opinion that he haa taken a very worthy position among the authors of his own country, and is likely to become a general favorite in England in his character of " Josh Bil- liigs" Some of his latest papers were contributed to the New York Saturday Press, under the head of "Cooings and Billings," with a commendatorj notice by the editor of that paper, Henry Clapp, jun., \v hose name is not altogether unknown to the literary men of London and of Paris. KONTENTMENT. KONTENTMENT is the gift ov God, as it kan be culti vated a little, but it is hard tew acquire. Kontentment ii sed to be the same az happiness, this ackounts for the small amount ov happiness laying around loose, without enny owner. I don't beleave that man was made tew be kontented, nor happy in this world, for if he had bin, he wouldn't hav hank- ered enuff for the other world. When a man gits perfektly kontented, he and a clam are fust couzins. Contentment iz a kind ov moral laziness; if thare want ennything but kontentment in this world, man wouldn't be any more of a suckcess than an angleworm iz. When a man gits so he don't want ennything more, he iz like a rackcoon with his intestines full ov green corn. Contentment iz one ov the instinkts, i admit it tew be hap- . piness, but it iz kind ov spruce gum chawing happiness. We all find fault with Adam and Eve, for- not being kon- tented, but if they had bin satisfied with the gardin ov Eden, and themselfs, they would hav been living thare now, the only two human beings on the face ov the arth, az innocent as a couple of vegetable oysters. They would hav bin two splendid specimens ov the handy work ov God, elegant portraits in the vestibule ov heaven, but they would not hav developed reazon, the only God-like attribute in man. at 33 ESSAYS. When a man iz thoroly kontented, he iz either too lazy to want ennything, or too big a phool tew enjoy it. I hav lived in naberhoods whare everyboddy seemed to be kontented, but if the itch had ever broke out in them naber- hoods, the people would have skratched to this day. I am in favor of all the vanitys, and petty ambishuns, all the jealousys and backbitings in the world, not bekauze i think they am hansom e, but bekauze I think they stir up men, and wimmin, git them onto their muscle, cultivating their venom and rea zon at the same time, and proving what a brilliant cuss man may be, at the same time that it proves what a miserable cuss he iz. I had rather see two wimmin pull hair, than tew see them set down, thoroughly s a t i s fi e d with an aimless life, and never suffer eney excitement, greater than bleeding tears together, through their noze, for a parcel of shirtless heathen on the coast ov Madagas- kar, or, once in a while, open their eyes, from a dream ov young hyson contentmeir tea, tewsarch the allmiknak, for the next change in the moon. Contentment, in this age of the world, either means death, or dekay, in the days ov Abraham, contentment was simply ignorance. The world iz now full ov laming, the arts, and sciences, and all the thousand appliances ov reazon, these things PERFEKTLY SATISFIED. KONTENTMENT. 35 make ignorance the exception, and no man haz a right tew cultivate contentment, enny more than he haz tew cut oph hiz thum, and set quietly down, and nuss the stub. Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show yu an useless one. What we want iz folks who won't be kontented, who kant be kontented, who git up in the morning, not simply to hav their bed made, but for the sake ov gitting tired ; not for the sake ov nourishing kontentment, but for the sake ov put- ting turpentine in sum ded place, and stiring up the animals. Contentment was born with Adam, and died when Adam ceased tew be an angel, and bekum a man. I don't say that a man couldn't be hatched out, and, like a young owl, set on a dri limb, awl hiz days, with hiz branes az fasst asleep az a rnudturkles, and at last sneak into heaven, under the guize of kontentment, but i do say, that 10 genera- shims ov sich men would run most of the human race into the ground, and leave the ballance az lifeless, and az base, as a currency made out ov puter ten cent pieces. I would like jist az well az the next man, tew crawl into a hole, that jist fitted me, hed fust, and thus shutting out all the light, be contented, for i know how awfully unsothening the aims, and ambishuns ov life are, but this would only be burying mi few tallents, and sacrificing on the ded alter ov kontentment, what war given me, to make a fire or a smudge with. Thare aint no sich thing as contentment and reazon exist- ing together; thoze who slip out ov the crowd, into sum alley, and pretend they are chawing the cud of sweet kontent- ment, the verry best specimens ov them, are no better than pin cushions, stuck full. They have jist az menuy longings az ennybody, they have jist az menuy vices, their virtews are too often simply a mix- tur ov jealousy and cowardice. Contentment is not desiglmed, as a stiddy bizziness, for the sons ov man, while on this arth. 38 ESSAYS. A yeller dogg, with a tin kittle tew his tale, climbing a hill, at a three minit gate iz a more reazonable spektacle foi me, than a slimy snail, contented and happv. MARRIAGE. MARRIAGE iz a fair transaction on the face ov it. But thare iz quite too often put up jobs in it. It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, and az phull ov hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse. History holds its tounge who the pair waz who fust put on the silken harness, and promised tew work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote. But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing out ov it, or so menny ov their posterity would not hav har- nessed up since and drov out. Thare iz a grate moral grip in marriage ; it iz the mortar that holds the soshull bricks together. But there ain't but darn few pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written opinyun whi on arth they cum to did it. This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky. Sum marry for money, and don't see it. Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't no better than skimmilk. Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized MAKKIAGi:. 37 tew learn that their relashuns don't care a cuss for them afterwards. Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else ; this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel ; pride may make it endurable. Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, but it is tJie strength ov the game. If marrying for love ain't a suckcess, then matrimony iz a ded beet. Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be skarse next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out. Sum marry tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the game waz one that two could play at, and neither win. Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gam- bling game, the more they put down, the less they take up. Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies. Sum marry, they kan't tell whi, and liv, they kan't tell how. Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke. Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it care- ful over. Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and marry. Both ways are right, if they hit the mark. Sum marry rakes tew convert them This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it. Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance ov yure daya tew clear opli the mortgages. Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it its flavour. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, bekauze every boddy expekts tew win. Hut i am authorized tew state that every boddy don't win. But, after all, married life iz full ax: certain az the dij goods bizziness. 38 ESSAYS. No man kan swear exactly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico. IVHO man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind tew do next. Calico don't kno even herself. Dri goods o^ r all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis. Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz the same, with no other name to it. The man who stands on the hank shivvering, and dassent, iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz lied fust into the river. Thare iz hut phew who never marry bekauze they won't they all hanker, and most ov them starve with slices ov bread before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit. Marry yung ! iz mi motto. I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about. If enny boddy asks yu win yu got married, (if it needs be), tell him, yu don't reccollekt. Marriage iz a safe way to gamble if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privi- lege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet. I repeat it, in italicks, marry young ! Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz a second marriage. K FASHION'S PRAYER. IN~D Fortune may thi mersys endure forever; smile thou out ov thi loving eyes upon this fine bust ov mine. Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and his money hold out to the last. Draw the lamb's wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz FASHION'S PRAYER. 39 eyes, that jni flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and that mi bills may strengthen hi/ pride in me. Bless, oh ! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let thi glory shine upon mi paint and powder. When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters. Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and hair-frizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, and assighns forever. Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves upon the bran ov thi love. Blister, oh ! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man who treds upon the trail ov my garments. Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them up to suit thiself. When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily- white ov mi ilesh, and the taper ov mi fingers. Smile tliou graciously, oh ! Fortune, upon mi nu silk dress, now in the hands of the manty -maker, and may it fit me all over like unto, as the ducks foot tittetli the mud. Destroy mine eneinys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style. Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness. Fill both mi eyes, oh! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon ov infatuashim, that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as knumb-images graven. Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and may mi nek swim like a goose on the buzzum ov krystal waters. Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller, and save me from all korns, and bunyons. Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destruck- shun upon thoze who would hurt a hair ov Ilektor mi kitten. "Remove far from me all the wails of the sorrowful, and ESSAYS. shield mi sensitiff natur Shed the light ov tin countenance on ni kammel's hair shawl, and mi neck- lace ov dimonds, I beseech thee. Enable the poor to shirk for them- selfs, and save me from all missionary beggars. I hav always ben a friend to thee, oh Fortune, there- fore bless me for ever, and ever. from the klamours ov the widdei THE BIZZY BODY. IDO1SPT mean the industrious man, intent, and constant in the way of duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov set- ting, cums clucking oph from the nest in a grate hurry, and full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire ; scratching a little here, and suddenly a little thare ; chuck full ov small things, like a ritch cheeze ; up and down the streets, wagging around evry boddy, like a lorst dorg ; in and out like a long-tailed mouse ; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard shower ; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney ; az fat with pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing ; as knowing az a tin weathercock. This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kan tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last couple. THE lilZZY BODY -iJ All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to use a few brains to advantage, if they only knew a little less they would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not confusion to the travellers. The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, hiz time, (nor noboddy else's) aint worth nothing to him, he will button hole an auctioneer on the block, or a minister in the pulpit, and wouldn't hesitate tew stop a phuneral pro- cession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use to you, az a friend, than a sucked orange. Theze bizzy people are of awl genders maskuline, femi- nine and nuter, and sum times are old maids, and then are az necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret. One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more than a daily paper ; she iz better than the " Cook's Own Book," or a volume of household receipts, and works harder and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on the Third avenue cars. The bizzy body iz generally az free from malice az a fly ; he lights on you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofita- ble to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry peddlar. Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and are to be feared, not trifled with ; but my bizzybody has no gaul in his liver ; his whole karackter iz his face, and he iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter. They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who have got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest sin iz not their \vaste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it dux tew a tin watch in a toy shop window. 4L> ESSAYS. They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut shells, on the floor. Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg if yu git rid ov the fleas yu hav got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you? Bizzyness and bissness are two diff'reut things, altho they pronounce out loud similar. But after all i don't want tew git shut ov the Bizzy peo- ple ; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy haz got to be a noosanse, and being aktive about nothing, and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but. iz 10 per cent better than coimterlitting, or even the grand larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are selduni deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only deal in second-hand articles; they haint got the tall^nt to invent, they selduni lie, bekauze their bizziness don't require it ; thare iz stale truth emiff lieing around loose for their pur- pose. Don't trust them only with what you want to have scat- tered, they will find a ready market for every thing that a prudent man would hesitate tew offer, and they always sup- poze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and gossip for wisdum. It iz a sad "sight to see a whole life being swopped off for the glory of telling what good people don't love to hear, and what viscious ones only value for the malice it contains. I should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a shilling a head to feed an anaconda with. FASTIDIOUSNESS. FASTIDIOUSNESS iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. I hav saw people who had rather die and be buried than say lull. They wouldn't hesitate tew say male cow. 1.0 VK. If the uioughts are pure and the language iz chaste, it will do tew say almoste ennything. The young lady who, a fu years ago, refused tew walk nkrost a potato field, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away from home, soon after- wards, with a jewelry pedlar. Fastidiousness, az a general thing iz a holy- day virtew, and i hav frequently notissed that thoze individuals who are alwus afrade they shal cum akrost sumthing Inly improp- er, are generally look- ing for it. Fastidiousness and delikasy are often kon- founded, but thare iz th is difference the truly delikate aint afrade tew take holt ov things that they are willing tew touch at all with their naked hands, while the fastidious are willing tew take holt ov enny thing with gloves on. Delikasy iz the coquetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the prudery ov falsehood. FASTIDIOUSNESS. LOVE. T OVE iz one ov the pashuns, and the most diffikult one ov JLJ all tew deskribe. I never yet hav herd love well denned. I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they w r ere \vrit 44 ESSAYS. ten by thoze who were in love, (or thought they waz), and i wouldn't beleave such testimony, not even under oath. Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in love, and if they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribc, let them set down and deskribe it, and see if the person who listens tew the deskripshun will be satisfied with it. I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends all sed i had a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed me, but couldn't deskribe it. !Now all that i kan rekolekt about this luv sikness iz, that for thoze 7 long years i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a kondem phool than ordinary. Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuff tew hav, bekauze it iz natral; but enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long years, after he gits over it, feels sumthing like the phellow who haz phell down on the ice when it iz verry wet he dont feel like talking about it before folks. FEAE. SUM pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i dont. I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze who are edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike. Fear and Courage are instinkts. A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full ov skare, hiz hare on hiz hed will git up on end, I dont kare how mutch edukashun yu pile on top ov it. The gratest kowards in the world are the men ov the most genius they are the most silly kowards. One ov theze kind ov men will quake with fear when a mouse knaws in the wainskote at night, but they will face an earthquake next day with composure. I dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear; it iz deth when it exhausts itself and ends in despair. BUTY. 41 I am a grate koward miself, and beleave i waz born so, and yet thare is nothing which i despize so mutch as kowardice. I would give all the other virtews i hav got (provided i hav got enny), and throw in a hundred dollars in munny besides, for an unlimited supply ov courage. I would like tew hav courage enuff tew face the devil him self, if he waz the least bit sassy tew to me. I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiss all the animal kreashun hav it well defined. BUTY. BUTY iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeshily for a woman who aint hansum. Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult tew define than buty. It iz a blessed thing that there ain't no rules for it, for the way it iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife. Thare iz grate power in female buty ; its viktorys reach klear from the Garden ov Eden down to yesterday. Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and wax; the fust man tew acknowledge it. But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory a mere perspektive to the background. Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and git phatt. When buty and good sense jine each other, yu hav got a mixtur that will stand both wet and dry weather. I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had buty enuff tew make herself hily agreeable ; but i hav seen 3 or -i wimmin iu mi day who hadn't sense enuif tew make a good deal ov buty the least bit charming. But, az i sed before, thare ain't no posatiff rule for buty, and i am dredful glad ov it, for every boddy would be after 46 ESSAYS. that rule, and sumboddy wouldn't git enny rule, besides run ning a grate risk ov gitting jammed in the rush. Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint it iz wuss, if possi ble, than the nosegay disseaze. If there iz sitch a thing az a butiful man on earth, he haz mi simpathy. Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the only accomplishment he had waz tew blatt like a lamb. FAITH. FAITH iz the rite bower ov Hope. If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this world. We couldn't even eat hash with enny safety, if it want for faith. Human knowledge is very short, and don't reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite ; but faith lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan see tew read the letterings on the mile stuns. Faith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or sentiments ov the heart and hed put together. Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz whipped. But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes ; but she iz the heroine ov forlorn Hope she feathers her arrows with reazon, and fires rite at the bull's eye ov fate. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attri- butes, i would take it all in faith red hot faith I mean ; and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness arming the various dri bones thare iz laying around loose in this world. BRANES. 4:7 BRANES. BRANES are a sort ov animal pulp, and by common konsent are suppozed tew be the medium ov thought. How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinking, or are the interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell ; and, for what i kno, this theory may be one ov thoze remark- able diskoverys ov man which aint so. Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew lift, i kant prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venera- shun tew guess at them. Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, but investigaslmn satisfys me that they are planted all over the boddy. I find that a dansing masters are situated in hiz heels and toze, while a fiddler's all center in hiz elbows. Sum people's branes seem tew be placed in their Tiands and fingers, which explains their grate genius for taking things which they kan reach. I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew kongre- O gate in the tounge ; and once in a grate while they inhabit the ears, and then we hav a good listener, but theze are sel- dum cases. Sum times the branes ain't enny whare in p^artikular, but all over the boddy in a minnit. These fellows are like a pissmire just before a hard shower, in a big hurry, and alwus tricing tew go 4 different ways tew once. Thare seems tew be kaees whare thare aint enny branes at all, but this iz a mistake, i thought i had cum akrost one ov theze kind once, but after watching the pashunt for an hour, and see him drink 5 horns ov poor whiskey during the time, i had no trouble in telling whare hiz branes all lay. I hav finally cum tew the konclushnn that branes, or sum thing else that iz good tew think with, arc excellent tew hav : but yu want tew keep yure eye on them, and not let them phool away their time, nor yures neither. *8 ESSAYS. SPKING AND BILES. Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuons vir- gin 5000 years old and upwards,hale and harty old gal, wel- cum tew York State, and parts adjacent ! Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the nobby cockroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and " coming thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his last year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard. Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless toward the school. These things are all fust rate in their place, but spring brings pesky biles, and plants them carelessly, sometimes among the maiden's charms, and sometimes among the young men's. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me, almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az a broken heart. Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick out the handyest place on youre boddy tew bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till they hav got their fill. Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first champion ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be found, in enny man. Biles and pashunce ! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and muskeeters together, for luxury. SPRING AND BLISS. 4l< I hav got a grate deal more faith than i .hav pashunce, but i hain't got enough faith in biles, i wouldn't trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots. I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sum- times iz an evidence ov brains, arid pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i don't thinkin these srnoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov them. But i am out ov the road, i must git back onto biles agin. If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the . Biles are very sassy ; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer and the chair ; this iz one evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant her- self on the f runt end of rni nose, which was a most remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze enny where fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy , and i guess they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy i am willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal ov helthy but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i was bulling the mar* ket. There iz one more smart thing about biles ; they are like twins ; they hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes. What ! twelve biles on one man at a time ! This is wus than fighting bumblebees with your summer clothes on. Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers o v the land, to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthirig which she wants to spare. This is so without doubt, but it don't strike me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew sho v oph her biles onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care ov their own biles. But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean 4* 50 ESSAYS. names current aiming fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, grin and swear when they visit yer, hit them over the head and set on them if yer pleaze, there iz a time in their career when they con- centrate aul the pathos ov joy that a man haz on hand to spare, and that iz when they bust ! This iz bliss, glory, and revenge on the hafl shell. A man leans back in rektified com- fort, az innocent and az limber az a mermaid. This pays for the fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz been hatching. Exit Biles. CONSULTING TOUR DOCTOR ON BILES. TIGHT BOOTS. I WOULD jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented tite boots. He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss. If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or Iz en- joying grate agony ov sum kind. I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but gener ally could manage to make them average ; but thare iz n< Bich thing az making a pair of tite boots average. Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite ooots, and be hum ble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, wili make a good husband. TIGHT BOOTS. 5\ Oh ! for the pen ov departed Wra. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun. Oh ! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite boots ov creaslmn, and skatter them tew the 8 Vinds ov heaven. Oh ! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look han- sum without a tite boot on it. Oh ! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull. Oh ! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a moun- tain. I have been led into the above assortment ov Otis ! from having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them. Mi feet are az uiieazy az a dog's noze the fust time he wears a muzzle. I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth. I liv in hopes they will. I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way, but ihav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one. Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you w r ould the grip of the devil ; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots. I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times dur- ing mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak ov tite boots. But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever wear ; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do it. I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more. 52 ESSAYS. Eazy boots iz one of the luxurys ov life, but i f orgit what the other luxury iz, but i don't kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov tite boots Emiy mau kau liav them for seven dollars, just half what they kost, and if they don't make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay for them. Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kail to mind now who could hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, but life now days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite boots. Tite boots are an insult to enny man's understanding. He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn. Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, and promiskious cussing. Beware ov tite boots. THE LAM AKD THE DOYE. THE lam iz a juvenile sheep. They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov them die just az soon az green peas cum. Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam. Lam are inn'osent az shrimps, they won't bight, nor skratch, nor talk sassy. They don't kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on ;he grass, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and hav phun generally. I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i luv lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. This may look like oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments enny how. Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i 'u-1 a good deal ov lam it wouldn't diskourage me. THE LAM AND THE DUV. 53 Mary waz a good girl an ornament tew her sekt. Mary's lam waz a good lam an ornament tew hiz or he* sekt, i don't remember which. It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn fakts. When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immediately bekum a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them. There ain't mutch poetry in mutton. Sheep are mutton. Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious. "When youth and iunosense ov enny kindgroze old, itloozee most all ov its lamness. This fakt iz too well known tew require an affldavid. The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things am. It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed ov should be for sale. It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this world it iz too often brought to the shambles. I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop grow- ing when he got to be about 8 weeks old ; but then, cum tew think ov it, this would make mutton awful skarse. It would also make lams dredf ul plenty. It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin. The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi iia- tur, but short bi desighn. During th eir early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in the bud. Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the re- sponsibility jist whare it belongs, lam's tails are kut oph bi man. This iz a mean thing for man to do , but man iz capable ov doing dredful mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man. 54 ESSAYS. Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az ha phinds it. Lams are ov the mail and femail perswashun. Thare are none ov tOVF the animals, that i kan remember ov now, that are ov the nuter gender except the mule. I hav often seen men ov the nuter jender. If yu don't beleave this, cum down whare i liv and i will point them out to you. The femail lam iz the dearest little package ov inno- eense and buty known to natralists. A femail lam iz mi pride and hope. I luv the whole entire congregashun ov them. The mail lam soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov their hods, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, theze horns are a hard thing tew kontradicket. I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into splinters with one bio ov their horns. This iz terrible if true. The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram. The lain iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coating called wool, from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from whitch yarn iz sed to be spun. There iz a grate deal ov yarn spun in this world that haa uo wool in it ; theze yarns are called phibs. THE LAM AND DUV. THE DUV. 55 Phibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted in water kullers. Thare haz been more phibs in market since tbe formashun ov man than thare liaz been truth. Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are alwus dangerous. Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth. Look out for them. Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lem- onade drinker >, with a leetle port wine in it just for elfekt, hav been known tew bekum our most reliable whiskee drinkers. THE DUV. THE duv iz the lam amung birds. They are az harmless az a dandy lion. They don't do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and coo. They luv each other like a nu married kupple. The duv alwus hav a good appetight ; they will eat from dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn't eat sum more. They are a long lived biird, and like the bumble bee, are the biggest when they are born. I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age. They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than tbe multiplikashun table. They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav got tew hav a good menny ov them'. The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Xoahg pets, when lie sailed. The fust duv he sent out ov the ark. brought bak an olive 56 ESSAYS. branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn't bring bak enny thing. She even forgot tew cnm bak herself. Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, and the one he sent out, and the one lie had on hand, must hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov the duv. The duv iz more ornamental than useful. They are too inosent tew be very useful. Smntimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness. I hav known haff a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, and make themselves useful for a fu minnitts. I don't hate duv pies. The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense. The bible tells us, " to be az wize az a sarpent, but harmless as a duv." This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness. Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be az harmless az a duv. The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man's natur iz a good dose. If a man liaz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he aint apt tew cook things enuif. The duv iz a homemade kritter ; they are as effeckshionate as a cockroach Jz. The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they are apt tew do it. Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points ; but i wouldn't like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want ennything else but duvs and lams. But this place aint laid down on enny of the maps in this world. Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredf ui unsartin. I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew make the good things more desirable, and all things that are natral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient. THE OLD BACHELOR. 5"J THE OLD BACHELOR. ACHRONICK old bachelor iz iiivaribly ov the nutei gender, i don't care how rnutch he may offer tew bet that it ain't so. They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov soaking before they will do to use. I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse fc/ their nuterness ; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry ; this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain't fit to hav a nice woman. Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan't travel az fast az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard tew ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched. A flirt iz a tuft' thing to overhaul, unless the right dog gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and often make the best ov wives. When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a mown daizy. Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning in- to fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a cradle. The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way from which they are going, or set down on the grass and whissell sum lively tune till the flirt cums round. Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git moro than even, by making the old bachelors. A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have a grate quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman's natur, and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness. Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel ; they hav got tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov their capital at the fust swop. Thare iz sicli a thing (i hav bin told hi thoze who know sum more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being mail- tifackterd out ov dissapointed love. This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man r s staying jut ii 58 ESSAYS. \ the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made up hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich a place whare he knows the water iz over hiz lied, when if he would go a little further up or down the creek, he would find the cross- ing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to beckon him aerost. Dissapoi.nted luv must-ov course be all on one side, and this ain't enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one POP- Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they fear the burden ov a family. This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it ; the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing so mutch to the pound. An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief from anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain't a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are char- cole sketches, ov boarding-school misses ; he dresses, greases hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wiinrnin, and only gits laffed at for hiz pains. I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years old, and cum very near dicing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a heap ; i waz in a lively fever all the time. If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good specimen ov the critters ; but what more disgusting traits can a man have than these ? and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes. There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus HORNS. 59 far, that i think could hav hin an old bachelor and done the subjekt justiss, and he \vaz Adam; but since Adam saw tit to open the ball, i hold it iz every man's duty to selekt a part- ner, and keep the dance hot. HORNS. IX writing the biographi ov horrid, i am astonished tew find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their pedigree and pretenslmns. " Cape Horn" Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to man. It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, and gores the oslmn. Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, \vhich hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the sea for a grate distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens the vessells that go by thare, and makes them rare and pitch tremenjus. This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont seem tew be ov enny use, only tew make folks go out ov their way tew git round it. "Horn ov a dilemma." Dilemma iz derived from the Siamese verb " diloss" which means a tite spot, and haz a horn on each end ov it. Thare iz no choice in theze two horns ; if yu seize one ov them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both of them may pitch into you. I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, mi rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and lite both prongs with mi whole grit. Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz alwus a good fite if yu git licked the tenth. Yu leant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz tew advance in and tight for the gross amount. " Cow's Horn" Two bony projeckslmns, curved, crooked 60 ESSAYS. or strate, worn bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, foi ornament in times ov peace, and used when they go into wal tew stab with. Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord. At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the horn next tew the hed, and each year after a fresh ring iz born. In this way the cows kno how old they are. Suintimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens tew very old cows. I never knu it tew happen in mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it iz one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to eon, just tew keep the stock ov lies from running out. When I waz a boy and had just -begun tew chew tobacco, i waz told that butter cum from the cow's horn I hav since found out that this iz another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew covet what aint undoubtedly so. " Dinner-Horn" This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays "Home, Sweet Home" about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever Graffula's band haz. Yu kai> hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman's guns. Ir IK A HORN. HORNS. 61 will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriffs warrent. It kan ontfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old instrument ! long 1 may yure lungs last ! " Rani's Horn." A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end. Ram's horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with, but with out enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old deakon Fletcher ov Ivonnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz "boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot. az a banter for a fight. Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian. The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed moshun. Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * " yu darned old cuss," and then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying ' that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun" The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks ma* 1 tew the ram. " Whisky Horn." This horn varys in length, but fron. three to six inches iz the favorite size. It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur. It iz really more pugnashus than the ram's horn; six inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm. When it knoks a man down it holds him thare. It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the Iniquity that iz travelling around. It makes brutes of men, demons of wirnmin and vagrants of children. It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited 62 ESSAYS. more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together. " Horn Comb?* This simple little unsophistikated instru- ment, haz beheaded countless legions or innocent children. I don't mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps. It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite. It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz az thorough az a sarch warrent. It iz an emblem of faith and neatness. When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, hung up and labeled, " Well done old mouser." I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood, aud the boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence. Tliare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint got the time to tell yu all about them now. Tliare iz the " Powder Horn," the " Horn ov the Bull Head," and the "Horn ov Plenty;" and there iz also "Horn Tooke," a celebrated writer ov hiz day ; but good-by for the present. KISSING. I HAY written essays on kissing before this one, and they didn't satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science. Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach. Enny man who kan set down, whareit is cool, and tell how KISSING. 03 a kiss tastes, liaint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn't hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass. . The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips. If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man. I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz iu a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how. I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a hummingbird tew her roost. I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat. Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird's nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dande- lions. The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile. If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the au thor ov the first kiss ; kissing, like mutch other good things, vz anonymous. But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss. Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden. Adnm wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pass sich a hand 64: ESSAYS. I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it. I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist eimy boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else. I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark. I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square, 5 times in less than 10 miunitts ; they kist every time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It \vaz a which, and tother, scene. Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each other ; but i don't think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order ; and two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov dead- beatery. Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az- necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with ; and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen. Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had once in a phellow's life, in the original pack- age, and that iz when . . . Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi help. WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING. WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMLSTG.' 65 "VTTTIAT i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little. T T Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and altho i haven't had time tew peerose it ,yet, i don't hesitate tew pronounse it bully. Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and thare- fore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and al so kno all about pharm- ing. A pharm,(now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on the- ory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure, and hard knoks. Thare iz nothing like book laming, and the time will evventually cum, when a man, won't hav tew hav only one ov " Josh Billing's Farmers^ Allmanax" to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with. Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with - OLt\J T9 J..HIJ. three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days' ploughing. If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents. 36 ESSAYS. Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) and they kan, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness. Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint noth- ing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops. When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, " menny are called, but few are chosen." I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work. 7 hurnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, /ut of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share. By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year. What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ. If a man really iz anxious tew make inunny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees. 1 kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with supcr- stishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, te\v see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post- holes. This iz what i call running science into the ground. The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss : they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss. WHAT I KNOW ABOUT FHARMING. 67 Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at trim, with a klub in jure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log. What i kno about pharming, aint wtiih mutch enny how, 6ut I undertook ten brake a kicking heifer once. I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and pliollowed the direk- shuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits. I then sot down, and thought the thing over. T made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treat- iss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he wax in the kick- ing heifer trade. I cum tew the kouklushun that what he knu about milking kikiug heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up. I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer. I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win, and won. That heifer never bekum a cow. This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk. I hav worked on a pliarm just long enuff tew kno that tharc iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile. I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu things, bekivuze i hav bin beat bi them so often. O ' I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by the- ory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a f u years, and i never knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing brawny armed boys, and bnxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze "What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss. t>8 ESSAYS. I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats withj than the experiense even ov Methuseler. Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but y n kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze.) it aint hot ennff. Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself. QUESTIONS AND ANSWEKS. QU. Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman ? Ans. Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself " poor old hoss." Qu. Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase ? Ans. I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price of happiness. Qu. Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov one's self ? Ans. It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it. Qu. Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who didn't hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn't bored suckcessfully for ile himself? Ans. If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraif yn at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with : cedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bond? WHISSLLNG. 69 tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under Liz; arm, keep shady, arid let the polite sirkles chew each other. Qu. Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situa- tion in Nu York Sitty ? Ans. Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with sus- picion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov " Bolivards's oil ov seduktion," warranted tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip. Qu. Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy ? Ans. Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill. Qu. Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a man's constitushun and bye laws ? Ans. Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk. Qu. How fast duz sound travel ? Ans. This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for insfance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invita- shun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not strength enuif left tew be heard. WHISSLING. I HAV spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz. I lean tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousan 1 ESSAYS. strings waz diskovered in, but when whisslirig waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say. az mi prayers in lo dutch. Wliissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did bi puckring up the mouth, and blowing through the hole. Thare aint no tune on the whole earth but what kan be played on this instru- ment, and that sele- b rated old tune, Yankeedoodle haz bin almost whissled tew deth. Grate thinkers are not apt tew be good whisslers, in fakt, when a man kant think o v nothing, then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal w r ho iz a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a sharp, well puckered whissell. Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement. If i had a boy, who couldn't whissell, i don't want tew be understood, thati should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell fust rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate game ov kards. I wouldn't force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun. Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don't kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a good deal like crowing in alien. WHISSLINO. WHISSLING. 71 Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a lien tew do. I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself justiss. A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one ov them stik tew their trade. 1 Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing es- peshily if it iz well did. But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if she waz certain she had the right pucker for it. I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitu- shiin. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote vigor. Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger this they do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus konsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar witli in the nite time. The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the ne- groes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the ac- complishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger. I clout want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz mas- ter, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters that live. It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to im- possible to phool him the sekond time. I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good whissler. I wouldn't want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself. Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm. A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing else,, and tho whissling may keep a man from git- tinp- lonesum, it wont keep him from gifting ragged. Tfc ESSAYS. I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissier, and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness. Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum genius, but either of them will unlit a man for doing a good square day's work. HOTELS. HOTELS are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the married man's retreat, and the bachelor's "fireside. They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all. A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and means to do hiz duty. He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife's father when he waz living, and yure wife's fust husband, but he don't speak about him. He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the ser- vants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, \vith a shirt collar az stiff az broken china. A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same time be a miserable landlord. Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept in the country during a six-days' jury trial for killing sumbod- dy's yello dorg. A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing. I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it alwus makes the swares, wuss. HOTELS. 73 It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks. I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be enny thing to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ova traveler and let him went. This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) in most cases. Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacific!* Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line : Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelo gramly. It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are em- ployed bi the lawyers and judges. Yure room iz on the uttermost floor. The carpet iz ingrain ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns. Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing. The buro haz three legs, and one brick. The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip. Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum out ov the well. The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone. The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots. Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and al] three are busted. Thare iz a match-box, empty. 74 ESSAYS. Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don't want to be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in ? The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the ceiling. o The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az a sea hi skit t. Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron. The bed iz inhabited. Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal. For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log. Bread solid, beef stake about az thikaz a blister plaster, and so tuff az a hound's ear. Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another. A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one with- out enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it. Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee. Yu say " JVb mom, i thank yu" and push back yure chair. Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth. I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with. Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds lit a man's back like the feathers on a goose, and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them. LAFF1NG. Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilton wheels and travel around the country ; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass ! yes, alass ! they are az unplen- ty az double-yelked eggs. LAFFING. A NATOMIKALLY konsidered, laffing iz the sensashun J-j- ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot. Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments. Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick's pills 3 pills in the game. Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in existence. Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole. Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink. Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from enny- thing else az it is from itself. Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy. Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul. Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises. Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing sa a spring bi the road-side. Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern. Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving prop- ertys ov a hot whiskee puntch. But this iz too big talk for me ; theze flatulent words waz put into the dikshionary for those giants in knollcdge tevr T6 ESSAYS. use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires. But i don't intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but tbi lamnff on the half-shell. O Laffiing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when lie wants tew. Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu kan the heekups. If a man han't laff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together, and if he won't laff he wants az mutch keeping away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot. I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or for ennyboddy else's ; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream. This is a grate waste ov natral juice. I have seen other people who didn't laff enuff tew giv themself s vent ; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly Thare ain't neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be pattented. Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haff' way between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz oats, and don't exackly kno what ails him. Theze pholks don't enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles"-who swallows hiz pertatoze whole. A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed. Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz bio wed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose. Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized ; it cmns out ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper. This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and LAFFING. 77 dont mean ennything ; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff. Genuine laffing iz the vent or the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a trout. Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend ; 'it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph on the air,nrith a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whnre it cum from. Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand ; it iz just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubblcs and twists him like a whiskce pint, it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him az weak and a:i krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out. This kind ov a lafF belongs tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az qnakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az a gall who iz going tew be married to-morrow. In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don't laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain't nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one. When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noizo tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yuie false hair with both hands and then lalf till vure soul Common sense kan be improved upon l>y t-'dukashun genius kan be too, sum, but not much. Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting liarness. Common sense iz like biled vittlcs, itisgood right from the pot, and it is good nex day warmed up. If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens would be, with even- star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame. Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don't make enny blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or jj'oing intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it. Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good hoss sense. SILENCE. Silence is a still noise. One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep still. Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what fills the world with nonsense. Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and no- boddy wants tew listen. The greatest talkers aiming the feathered folks, are the magpie and ginny hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch account. If a man ain't sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz a blank one. I have known mermy a man tew beat in an argument b) just nodding his hed once in a while and simply say, "jess so, jess so." It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one will clinch it. Sum men talk just az a French poiiy trots, all day long, in a. hf.if bushel meazsnire. 80 rssAYS. Silence never makes enny blunders, and ahvusgits az mutch credit az iz due it, and oftimes more. When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi self, " look out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure." I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a hark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round. I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots. I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum so plmll ov it that i couldn't draw a long breth without start ing a button. Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to say- ing nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game. One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without hurting them. Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less. A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken any time. Brevity iz' the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the old man. BRAVERY. TRUE bravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch a part and parcel of a man's every day life az hiz clothes iz. Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from princi- ple not impulse, and when no one sees him he iz just az he- roik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the multitude. DISPATCH. 81 Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, and if it wan't for its spurs and cockade wouldn't amount tew mutch. It iz not bravery to face what we kan't dodge, but it iz true courage tew face all things that are honest and dodge 10 thing. True bravery exists aiming the lowly just az mutch az aiming the grate, and a man really haz no more right tew expekt praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue. It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than it duz tew win a battle. He who lills to the brim the staslmn in life, which nature or fortune haz given him, iz a hero ; i don't kare whether lie iz a peasant on the hillside, or chieftian in the tented field. The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possess- ed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it. When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don't go tew the pages ov history ; i kan find them in among the bipaths ov every day life, i hav known them tew liv out their lives and die without enny reckord here ; but hereafter, when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among the jewels. DISPATCH. DISPATCH iz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. To do a thing right, and to do it quick iz an attribute ov genius. Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz just az much difference az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire when they are both ov them on duty. A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire alwns travels just as tho he had forgot sumthing. Hurry works from morning until night, but works on a t.red-wheel. 82 ESSAYS. Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while hurry travels like a blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and spends most ov her time in running into things, and the bal- lance in backing out agin. Dispatch iz ahvus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so fast in the hed, they keep their owner alwus dizzy. Hurry iz a good phellow tew phite bumble bees, whare, if yu hav ever so good a plan, yu kant make it work well. Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in this world, while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, and haint got thru yet. HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE. YTUND a girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right J- hight, with a blue eye, and dark-brown hair and white teeth. Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik, a firm disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same family. Look well tew the karakter ov her father ; see that he is not the member ov enny klub, don't bet on elekshuns, and gits shaved at least 3 times a week. Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum-made bread and apple dumplins, notiss whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don't fail tew observe whether her dresses are last year's ones fixt over. If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dau- ter would make the right kind of a wife. After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done a roazonable amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her JiOAY TEAV riK OUT A AA'ATEKMELLOX. 83 THAT FOR EPJ Aw heart and hand, and if she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself euchered. If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, without any fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances. I say take the chances, for thare aint no resipee for a perfekt wife, enny morethan thare iz for a perfekt husband. Thare ix just az menny good wifes az thare iz good hus- bands, and i never knew two people, married or single, who were determin- ed tew make them- self s agreeable to each other, but what they suckceeded. !Name yure oldest boy sum good stout name, not after sum hero, but should the first boy be a girl, i ask it az a favour to me that yu kaul her Rebekker. I do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned, tuff girl names revived and extended. HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATEKMELLON. SUMTIME about the 20th ov August, more or less, when the moon iz entering her seckond quarter, and the old kitchen klock haz struk twelve midnite, git up and dres yureself, without making enny noize, and leave the hous bi the bak door, and step lightly akross the yard, out into the hi way, and turn tew yurc right. 84 ESSAYS. After going about haff a mile, take your fust left hand road, and when yu cum tew a bridge, cross it, and go thru a pair ov bars on the right, walk about two hundred yards in a south-east direckshun. and yu will cum suddenly on a water- mellon patch. Pik out a good, dark-colored one, with the skin a leetle ruffish ; be kareful not to injure enny ov the vines by step- ping on them ; shoulder the watermellon, and retrace yure steps, walking about twice az fast az yu did when yu cum out. Once in a while look over yure shoulder too see if the moon is all right. When yu reach 1mm, bury the water- mellon in the ha mow and slip into bed, just as tho nothing had happened. This is an old-fashioned, time-honored way, tew pik out a good watermellon, just the way our fathers and grand- fathers did it. After yu hav et the watermellon tare up the resipee. I am not anxious tew hav this resipee preserved, but i dont want it forgotten. One watermellon during yure life is enuff to pik out in this way. Dont do it but jist once, and then be kind ov sorry for it afterwards. Menny people will wonder and worry whare the moral cums in, in this sketch, and it is hard tew tell ; but i will venture to say that thare aint a prominent moralist in Amerika but has picked out his watermellon by this resipee, sum time during his life, and will tell you that he remembers favour- ably the spirit ov adventure that promted the undertaking, and never kan forgit the sober sense ov shame that followed it. HOAV TEW PIK OUT A DOG. OGS are gitting dredful skase, and if yu dont pik one out putty soon, it will be forever too late. HOW TK\V PIK OUT A DOG. 85 I hav written during my yunger clays, when I knu a good deal more than i do now, or ever shal kno agin, an essa onto dogs, and in that essa i klaimed that the best kind ov a dog for all purposes for a man tew hav was a wodden dog. The experience ov years don't seem tew change mi opinyun, and i now, az then, reckomend the wodden dog. ' Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden dog kan be made Inly so, after enny pattern or desighn that a kultivated taste may suggest. If the wodden do<; iz made with the bark on, so mutch the O better ; for we are told bi thoze who studdy sich things that dogs which bark never bight. Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, like flesh and blood dogs do, and don't kost 5 or 10 dollars reward each time tew make them cum bale hum agin. Wodden dogs don't hav the old hydrophobiskiousness ; neither are they running round, and round, and round, and round after them sells, trieing tew ketch up \vith a wicked flea, who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at the dog's continuashun. Thare ain't no better watch dog in the world than the wodden one. Yu set them tew watching enny thing, they will watch it for 3 years, and they aint krazy, and want tew jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just happen tew hear a boy out in the streets whissling " Yankee Doodle " or " Sally Cum Up." Wodden dogs won't stretch themselfs out in front ov the lire place, taking up all the hot room, nor they won't fly at a harmless old beggar man, who only wants a krust, and tare lam all tew little bits in a minnitt. If yu want tew pik out a good dog, pik out a wodden one, they range in price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar ackordiug tow the lumber in them, old age don't make them kross and useless, and if they do happen tew loze, a hed, or a leg, in sum scrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings glu, taken at night, jist before they retire will fetch them out all strait ir the morning. 80 ESSAYS. HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT. THE hardest thing, in every day life, iz tew pik out a good kat, not bekause kats are so skase, az bekanze thev are so plenty. If thare want but 2 kats on earth, thare wouldn't be no trouble, yu would pik one and the other phellow would pik one, and that would end the contest. To pik out a good kat, one that will tend tew bizzness and not astronomize nights, nor praktiss operatik strains, iz an evidence ov genius. I don't luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have picked a kitten out ov a swill barrel before now with a pair of tongs, just tew save life. Color iz no kriterion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats ov all colors. Kats with blue eyes, and very long whiskers, with the points ov their ears a leetle rounded are not to be trusted they will steal yung chickens, and hook kream oph from the milk pans, every good chanse they kan git. Kats with gra eyes, very short whiskers, and four white toes, are the best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen stove all day, and be stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts. Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharp pointed ears, are liabel tew phitts. Picking out good kats haz alwus bin a mighty cluss tran- sackshun from the fust begining, the best way haz alwus ben tew take them without enny picking, jist az they cum, and let them go, jist az they cum. LOST ARTS. SUM ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav writ essays on the " Lost Arts, 1 ' and hav did comparatiniv well, but they hav overlooked several ov the missing art ikies. LOST ARTS. 87 whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly confidenshall way) tew draw their attenshun to. " Pumpkin Pi" This delitesurn work ov art -/.2, (or rather was) a triumphant conglornerashun ov baked doe, and biled pumpkin. It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 1680, by Angelica, the notable wife ov Illiehoboam Beecher, then residing in the rural town ov Nu Guilford, State of Connek- ticut, but since departed this life, aged 84: years, 3 months, 6 daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts. Peace tew her dust. This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, pro- ceeded into general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hun- dred years. In the year 1833 it was totalv lorst. / / This pi hain't bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin offered for its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but it haz undoubtedly fled forever. Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loaf- ing around, but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is no more. " Rum and Tansy" Good old Nu England rum with tanzy bruized in it, waz known to our ancients, and drank by the deacons and the elders ov our churches, a century ago. It iz now one ov the lost arts. A haflf a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out ov bed in the morning, then a haft' a pint jist before sitting down tew breakfast, then thru the day, at stated intervals, a haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov it just before retiring at nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew shake oph the yoke ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the majestik tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used- tew hav. But, alass! oh, alass ! we once had spirits ov just men made perfek, but we hav now, (o alass !) spirits ov the dam. One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in twenty minitts. Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in 8 ESSAYS. yer, thou hast gone ! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from which no good spirits cums back. "Ifuni, reyuiescat, et liquorissimus" * ******* " Arly to lied, and arlij to rise" When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the May- flower, and stood in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with them, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning and going tew bed at nite in decent seazon. This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brek- fast. They knu it bi heart. It waz the eleventh command in their katekism. They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maid, ens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever and amen. I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing. What a loss waz here, my countrymen ! I pauze for a reply. Not a word do I hear. Silence iz its epitaph. Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim " Let Tier rip /" Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past or a thing that ain't cum it certainly don't exist in theze parts now. It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot ov good things with it. This art will positively never be diskovered agin ; it waz the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle. " Honesty." Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences. Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one HINTS TO C'OMIK LKKTUKKllS. S9 ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer hav r a perfekt rito tow believe them, but i don't. Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz. It took me seven years to master this word, and i andXoer Webster both disagree about the right way now. Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn hoM' tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the next man. Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts thare may be excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that " excepshuns prove the rule." The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost. When Adam i:i the garden of Eden waz asked, " WTiarc art ihou Adam" and afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, " /, waz afraid" iz az far back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobel art. I shouldn't be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again during mi day. I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew hekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity ? This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum ! HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS. COMIK lekturing iz an. imkoramon pesky thing to do. It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelihood." Most enny boddy thinks they kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersnm tew do. ESSAYS. When it iz did jist ennff, it iz a teritick success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent. Tliare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it. If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself. Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feath- ered enuff to fly. Whenever a m a n haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken with- out remedy, but when- ever the publick haz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure. Individuals never git this thing r i g h t, the publik never git it wrong. The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory. Tliare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by the publiks steelyards. Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz wisdom in tight harness. No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz missed at the brest ov wisdom. Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to miss, or bin fetched up on a bottle. If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in thinking so. COMIK LEKTTTRE. HINTS TO COMIK LKKTUREHS. 01 Altho fun iz designed for the millynn, and ethiks for tho few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aujienceshav their bellwethers, people who show the others the crack Avharethe joke cinns lafh'ng in. I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure dur- ing the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekanze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow places. The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what lie calls a comik lektur, ought tew he put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous per- son tew git loose, and will do sum damage. It iz a very pleazarit bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what \ju say. When a man laffs at yu, he dux it because it makes him feel superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him. The only reazon win a monkey nhvr.s kreates a scnsashun whareever he goes, is simply bekanze he is a monkey. Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hi/ two behind lego's. OO Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them. It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don't feel the itch ov it. One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employ- ment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should laff. Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ if yu expect tew git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it. In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop budden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the 92 ESSAYS. aujience, if they hav hadenuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they wantenny more, it enables them to han- ker for it. I know it iz dredful tuif, when a man iz on one end or a stick ov molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through ; buthe musn't forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he iz. I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik leKtring hizziness, and if I waz well aliut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at enny thing else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprie- tors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with. I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel phull ov something, they kan't tell what, that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan't even saw wood without laffing tew themselfs all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had' better let it leak out in the shape ov a ]ektur. But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a lien doth when she haz uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling. If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if i couldn't get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the Shakers, and make him weed onions for three years, just for fun. FASHION FUKY FELLOW FUN FUSS FLUN- KYFKETS FITS FINIS. FASHION". T1ASIIION is a goddess. JL She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender. Men worship her in her maskuline form wimmin in her feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender. FASHION. 03 She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her sup- pliants. She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in sanktuarys, pomps in cabins, and leers at the street korners. She fits man's foot with a pinching boot, throttles him with a stubborn collar, and dies his inustash with darkness. She trails the ritch silks o v w i m m i n along the filthy side- walks, leads s o r e- eyed lap-dogs with a string, and banishes helpless children to murky nnrserys, in the kare ov f::i:hlcss hirelings. She cheats the excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him serve her in the habiliments ov the harlequin. Yea, verily. FUN. Fun is the soul's vent. Fun iz whare the kruditys eskape, where she kiks up her heels, and runs snorting around the lot, unhaltered, and az eager az an eskaped konvikt. Fun iz a .safety-valve that lets the steam preshure oph from the biler, and keeps things from bussting. Fun iz the dansing particles, which Hi oph from the surface ov unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam in tke clover, it r.: the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew 04 ESSAYS. the korner ov the parson's eye, to stand in the sunlite, and see what's going on. Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az happy az a bridegroom, and az silly az a luv-sik skool-girl. Fun iz the holy day wisdum ov the sage, the phools pholly, and every bod dys puppet. Next tew the virtew in this world, the fun in it iz what we tan least spare. Truly! O! truly! FRET. Fret iz a kanker, a gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a sore place, and a sliver everywhare. Fret iz frickshun, a dull lancet, a gimblet. Fret makes a vunsr man ackt like an old one, and aii old / O ' man ackt like a yung one. Fret iz a grind stun, whare he holds hi? noze on, haz tew do hiz own turning. Fret haz burnt more holes thru a man's koppers that all the other hot things, it haz killed az oftei* az the doktors hav, and iz az lawless r -and senseless, az a goose. Fret makes the husband a tyrant, the wife a plague, the child a nuisance, an old maid terrible, and a bachelor disgust- ing. Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into thff gum* ov all life's misfortunes. I bet ! thou bet ! he, she, or it, bets ! FURY. Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a a blak kloud phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a inaniak armed, a bull in fli time. Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it whizzes till it busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it h but a senseless and burnt reed. Fury iz the argument ov tyrants, and the revenge ov the FITS FUSS. 95 embecile, the courage ov the kat, and the glowing embers ov dispair. Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a laffing stok, it makes the eagle allmoste human, and clothes the little wren, battling for her brood, with a halo sublime. I Indeed ! indeed ! FITS. Fits are the moral tumblings ov man's natur, the bak sum- mersets ov hiz disposishun, the flying trapez ov the krittei himself. Fits prompt him tew klimb a greatst pole, tew fite a wind mill at short range, to go too near a mule's heels, and to make a kussid phooi ov himself generally. Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leadeth him into bak lots. Fits hav no consilience, and no judgment. Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him krazy at noontime, they seize him at twilite, and twist him arly in the morning. Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fits, and bad only in fits, when they haint got a fit they are unfit for ennything. Yes, i think so. .' FUSS. Fuss iz like an old setting hen when she cums oph from her nest. Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease it sputters, and sputters, and then sputters agin. Fuss iz liaff-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do enny thing without gitting in their own way and stepping on tJiemselfs. Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurry, and thare iz a thousand times more ov either ov them than thare iz ov dispatch. Fuss works hard all day, and don't do enny tiling, goes to 96 bed tired at night, then gits up next morning, and begins agin whare she left oph. Oh, dear ! wlii iz this sutch. FELLOW. A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood six hours with the kork out, in a warm room it ain't ginger nor it ain't pop. A fellow iz a hybrid ; he hain't got enny more karakter than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy's cuzzin, and hangs around like a lost dog. He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto. I am sorry for this i am aktually sad. FLUNKEY. Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows. They ain't maskuline, feminine, nor nuter they are just human dough. They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bak- bone ov an angleworm. They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose. Ain't it orful 2 FINIS. Finis iz the end ov all things the happyest place in the whole job. All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew things now that hain't got two. A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom. Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will i^e the auto krat ov the universe. Bullv for vu, Finis, THE NU FOUNDLAKD AND THE TARKIElt. DOGS are one ov the luxury s ov civilizashun. In uncivilized life the} 7 perhaps are more one ov the necessity^, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole. Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a hill ov fare, (ov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more ar- tisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average. But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the company un ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner. The Xu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the nohel kod fish iz kaught. He dontliv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodh'sh, livs on the land. Iliz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonder- ful dogs. They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ov the world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning from a watery grave. Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt. But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, ind kan often be seen looking down into the wells, aftef drowning men. 7* ^ 98 ANIMATED XATUll. This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force or bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job. I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel krit- ters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates. Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew" hav it saved by a dog than by a doktor. But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be dokter- ed bi enny thing else than an old skool allopath. I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nu- foundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than send four miles for a regular dokter. I may he all wrong in this, but if the dog hauled me out all ^ right, I should hav time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a phy- sician with a diploma. It iz never too late tew repent ov a blun- der, not if you hav got plenty ov time on hand that you don't kno what to BY A NEWFOUNDLAND DOG do with. I never hav owned a Nuf oundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or bor- ro one, just for hiz board. I don't know ov enny thing more magnificent than tew hav THE HAT TARRIER. . 99 a grate illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a mountaneous country. I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and Pordunk iz not a wet place. Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage. Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town would support two. I don't suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov theze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens. I don't kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup. It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out into a mi-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot. I ana almoste krazy tew hav a Kufoundland dog. , THE EAT TAEEIER. Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov Grate Brittain. They are born there with grate precision and purity ov kar- akter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen's, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper. A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his pedigree, ain't worth only haft' az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn't ketch only 43 rats. It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things. A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won't see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel. But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and he kan see turnpikes, and loll gates, and torch -lite proceshuns, 100 ANIMATED NATUR. and wimmin's rites convenshuns, and municipal rings, and koporashuu thieving in it. Edukashun iz bully. The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog. az a personal matter, az the Nufotmdland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch. Just so the hornet haz 2 ANIMATED NATUR. Now i don't advise ennybody else tew depend for theii learning upon sicli prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure daddy. The route that i travel iz cirkuitns and blind sometimes, it haz now and then a Vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a landskape. Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov sentimeiitility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more. Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower ; he iz only val- uable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do next. He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A. T. Stewart's employ. The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concen- trated dew drop of malishus mischief. He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason. Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung mon- key looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again. They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friend- less, than tw r o monkeys. They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason. But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov rc;i- zon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head THE PISSMIKE. 103 They won't work, and they won't play, unless they kan raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirk- ing santanity, without getting mad at yureself. If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don't know now, whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked in loud italicks C. 0. D. In conklusion ; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell ; was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil az he is now ? An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited. THE PISSMIKE. THE pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs. They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz, the Lord only knows. I never see a pissmire yet that wasn't on the travel, but i hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started for. Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun. Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but pissmires dont seem to understand the difference. If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know ov ennything more unpleasaut to view, than an aktive loafer. A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less com won sense tharo seems tew be in it. 10-i ANIMATED NATUR. If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more slm leather than thare iz enny religion in. 7 THE POLE KAT. MY friend, did yu ever examiii tlie fragrant pole kat clussly ? I guess not, they are a kritter who won't bear examining with a microskope. They are Lutiful beings, but oh ! how deceptive. Their habits are phew, Lmt unique. They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew them, and that iz a front door. When they enter their houses they don't shut the door after them. They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them with aklub, but with a pole, and the longer the pole the more convenient. Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole tew be used, but i would sug- gest, that the pole be about 305 feet, espesh- ily if the wind iz in favor ov the pole kat When a pole kat iz suddenly walloped with a long pole, the fust thing he, she, or it duz, iz tew embalm the air, for m enny miles in diameter, with an akrimonious olifaktory refreshment, which permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely oi-iginxJ THE WEAZEL. LOa This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle ; bottles small at that. A pole kat will remove the filling from aliens egg, without braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea. How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt. This iz vulgarily called " surking eggs." This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats. Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins. They won't tutok an old goose, they are sound on that question. Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat. A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk. Thare iz a grate rnenny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, and this-iz one ov them. I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it. In taking tkem out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am. One pole kat in a township is emiff, espeshily if the wind changes once in a while. A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him. This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day. THE WEAZEL. THE \reazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pick- erel. They kan see on all three sides of a right angle trt angle board fence, at owe, and Iran bite thru a side ov sole leather. 106 ANIMATED NATUK. They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match. It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a wea- zel and miss him. If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day foi 50 cents a clap. I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph. They are the hardest kritter aiming the small game tew ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole. Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens. They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind. I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain't got him yet. I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet. Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool. The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn't, and i did it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle. A weazle's skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing ; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle. I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow. I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are. * ANGLE WORMS. 107 Weazles hav got MO wisdum, but hav got what iz sumthnes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning. Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdinii that a tad- pole duz tew a f rug, lie may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now. Wisdiun knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle. I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning. ANGLE WORMS ARE ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground ; ground that won't raize angle-worms won't raize enny thing else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don't take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape. It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don't bcleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only relia- ble heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet. "When lieing gits into a man's blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry. Angle worms arc used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with ; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a. saw log and fished fordaice all daylong Sunday in a mill pond. Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth. Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like aginv 108 ANIMATED XATUK. let, and are ditfrent from aul other creeps that 1 kno ov, for they alwus back into their holes. llere the natral angle worm ends. * ******* THE MOUSE. EVER since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew fill. Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not has' bin thor- oughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve would never have kiiu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little teachers. Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn't trapped suck- cessfully for a mouse. Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man dnz. Mice are the epitome of shrewdness ; their faces beam with sharp praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny. They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. i should be afrade tew buy a house that hadn't a mouse-hole in it. I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov silence. Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there redd y lew receive and welkum the rest ov the family. They are more ornamental than useful, ackordingto the best inf ormashun we hav az yet ; but this iz the case with most things. Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not n rag on them. THE MOUSE. 109 Wlien they dine, they doit jist az a family ov yung piggs duz : each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more thoroughly. I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a check- er-board. When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate waste ov tail. The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a bigg phool enufftew want to know whi a bob- tailed mouse wouldn't be a better finished job ; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or shut up. If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse's tale iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure. Sutch iz man ; but a mouse iz a mouse. The mouse kan live enny whare tew advantage, except in a church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minis- ter kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion. Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on the run. One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik. Now thare iz many folks who kant see ennything to write about in a mouse ; but mice are full ov informaslnm. The only way that edukashun was fust discovered waz bi going te\v 110 ANIMATED NATUfc. school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe. A grate many Contend that a mouse iz a useless kritter ; but kan they prove it ? I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might jiot pay ; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side- wheel steambotes. A mouse's tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz an- other thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am paid for it. I hiiv alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuze- papers that i never got a cent for. There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn't wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next time. I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us. Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement. THE TALLER DOG. DOGS hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will hang around it, az long az thare is eimy grizzle left on a bone. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov the final one. If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed away the fakt. If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt. Esaw waz a inity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the chirp ov the fust reliable cricket. THE TALLER DOG. 111 We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what irienny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree. If i vvaz starving, I wouldn't hesitate tew swap oph all the pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pot- tage, and throw two grate grandfathers into the bargain But I don't in- tend this essa for dogs in the lump, but for the individ- ual yellar dog him- self. The yellar dog haz no pedigree, the blood in hiz veins iz az krnde az petroleum, when it fust cums pump- ing out ov the earth, bitter, thick, and fiery. He iz long, and lazily put together, hiz ears flop when he shacks along the drsty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog's tail, it iz useless, the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a 10 per cent mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy. Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew me, but when i ask miself, " Whare would yu hitch the tin pan to," then at once the folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, flashes on mi mind. Ever since this kontment waz found bi Christopher Colum- bus, in 1492, and for what ikrio, much time previous tew that, 112 ANIMATED NATUR. the Teller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, and hungry bi natur. Whare lie curas from noboddy seems to know, and if yu speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicions, and sideways, on his lonesum jumey. Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made np ov starvashun, and brickbats. If he cuins out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, lie iz a " mad dog" and the common council at once assemble, the riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, men cum pant- ing into town, crieing " mad dog" their two horse waggon waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fury rages, old guns are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, pigs run squealing tew their hovels, aiid the whole boddy politik surges with horror. The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a whole village iz in the extacys ov hydrophobia he has passed on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subbnrbs, at the shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss. The yellcr dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz the darkey. A common misfortune liiiks them together. Why iz it, ,that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vaga- bonds on the face ov the earth ? Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts. A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i kant tell but what the yeller dog will be thare, a mute wit- ness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved. This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns. I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi man- hood, if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all the yeller dogs thare iz now on the buzzum ov the earth, and make them respekted and happy. ROOSTERS. 113 But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but ax long az i hav .strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood cnutf in mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, yelping, yeller dog. Teller dogs will su in time, and sumwhare, hav their day, and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anx- ious tew know what the line ov defence will be. ROOSTERS. is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a _L more pleazing and strengthening studdy than the Rooster. This remarkable package of feathers has bin for ages food for philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry, and are the husbands of menny -wives. In Utah it is konsidered a disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham Young's coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till he is almost bent over double backwards. The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the hen ; it is hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure soup. Roosters are the pugilists aiming the domestik burds ; they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come sud- denly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time -when he want prepared tew see company, and waz, for that offense, rebuilt over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward destined to crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a man akounts for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew tho 8} \ 14 ANIMATED NATUR. liens. Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, and it iz jiss so with a hen. "When a rooster gits licked, the hens all march oph with the other rooster, if he ain't haff so big or handsome. It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman. Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree aiming the rooster race, but for stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique rooster, short-legged, and when they walk, they alwus strut, and their buzzums stick out, like an alderman's abdominal cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a crooked tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az full ov feathers as a new duster. But when you come right down to grit, and throw all out side influences overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, nor under it, that kan out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a regular Bantam rooster. They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing before a looking-glass. They don't weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az mutch fuss az a ton, i have seen them tricing tew pik a quar- rel with a two hoss waggon, and don't think they would hes- itate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz the least bit sassy tew them. It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers crow, it iz like a four-year old baby tricing tew sing a line out ov the Star Spangled Banner. The hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little boquet ov neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. They are az prim az a premature yung lady. It is a luxury to watch their daintyness, tew see them lay each feather with their bills, in its place, and preside over themselfs with az mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror. But the consignation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading out six little chicks a bugging ; six little chicks no bigger than bumbelbees. It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing THE FOX. 115 outrageous in evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends and impropriety begins. This iz melancholly, the case in the rooster affair, for we hav the shanghi rooster, the gratest out- rage, in mi opinyun, ever committed in the annals ov poultry. Theze kritters are the camels amung fowls, they mopo around the barnyard, tipping over the hay racks and stepping on the yung goslins, and evry now and then they crow con- fusion. If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should halter him, and keep him in a box stall, and feed him on cut feed, and if he would work kind in harness, all right, if not, i would butcher him the fust wet day that cum, and salt him down tew give tew the poor. But thare ain't noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this breed, knot if i know it, i don't think thare iz a man on earth mean enuif to do it. Roosters do but very little household work, they wont lay enny eggs, nor try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the yung ones ; this satisfys me that thare is sum truth in the mytholo- gikal ackount ov the rooster's fust origin. Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a yung one, they spend their time in crowing, strutting, and occas- sionly find a worm, which they make a remarkabell fuss over, calling up their wifes from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but j ust az the hens git thare, this elegant and elabo- rate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel. Just like a man for all the world. THE FOX. OF all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many good hits as the fox. His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion's strength, hiz logick iz more than a match for tlie malice ov the wo!' 116 ANIMATED XATUK. and hiz politeness and deiference makes him the fop and gen- tleman ov the forest. The fox is a literary cuss ; he haz been the hero ov history, fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowl- edge. He waz a genius long before aekedemick honors flourished ; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, ho is the Ben Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony. The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth more than ten shillings. He follers no regular bizzness for sustenance, but livs on the chances and on hiz wit. He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too mutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tonnge, and find them- selfs at rest in his stummuk. He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out ov his way to be polite to a duck or a goslin. But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning; he alwas pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal of tener than he loses. Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit ; they never do a thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind before they olo a thing once. This is the eifect of too mutch genius. There iz this difference between genius and common sense in a fox : Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but circumstances iz governed by genius. The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate sup- ply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants a phatt goo^e. he will work hard and get the goose for him, and then clean the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the goose for petty fogging the case, and giv him the bones, and tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his eye, that "everything is lovely and the goose hangs high." THE FOX. 117 Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git geese for each other, and if animals don't want their piety tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician to invest his religion in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that p^iety haz claims on him, and RAFFLE >: are indebted tew him for sum goose, and ex- pekt to be for several more. This iz a nobel trait in the fox, and shows that he aint a child ov ingratitude. Foxes cum out ov the ground, but whether they are made out ov dirt i kant sware with much certainty. They cum out ov the ground through the instrumen- tality ov a hole, but whether the hole begins at the surface and runs into the mountain, or whether it begins in the mountain and runs tew the surface, don't make a kussid bit ov difference. But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for years. Sum ov them say it runs in, and sum ov them he darned if it duz ; and right here we can see the amazing dif- ference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick ov the fox. While they stand titeing at the mouth ov the / o hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins. Foxes aie like cunning men they hav but few brains, and but a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hav got are like angle worms in hot water full ov anxiety and inizery. A SLY FOX THE MORE YOU PUT 1IOWN THE LESS YOU TAKE UP. 118 ANIMATED NATUH. Cunning is a branding iron ; the letters on it are small, but alwua red-hot, and they read thus Look out for the fox. A YAEK THE AUNT, AND THE GEASSHOPPEE. Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard frost, when graps butter waz skass, ivhile venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the front door ov an aunt hilV, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat, which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house. Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing," Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me." and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her. " Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning ! " sed the grassbug. "A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!" " Hav yu heard the grate news ? "Dredfull sharp frost last night ! " Winter will soon set in, i reckon ! " I herd the owls hute last nite ! "Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday! " When dew yu think specie payments will be took up ? " Thare ! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match 1 " How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village 2 "Enny sickness amungst them? " I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages ? "Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace ? A YARN. THE AUNT AND THE GRASSHOPPER 119 "What iz jure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny skarser ? "Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum beeswax. " The world iz gitting more full ov wtissness every day ! " I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets ! " Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days ? " I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don't think they will winter, do yu? "When duz the moon change now days? " Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan rec- komend ? " Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims ? "I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight ! " Sum folks are alwus in sich a swotting hurry ! " Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the grass ? "How mutch wheat haz y ure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare ? " I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow ? " They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its peculiar mutchness ; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i wish yu could ! " Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see buckwheat a bigg crop ! " I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sher- man's lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin ! " Well ! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two ynng grasshoppers ; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon. 120 ANIMATED NATUR. " I must be a going ! " I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit. " By the way ! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn't hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me !" " Then keep the sekret yureself," spoke the ant, " it iz worth more to yu than ennyboddy else." This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye aii the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing grasshopper moved off, whistling " Sally cum up." REMARKS. This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity with an idle sekret. A HEN. A HEN is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur. When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the fust time. Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wutli more to them than reason would be, for instinkt don't make enny blunders. If the anirniles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we men folks do. But a lien don't seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made expressly for a phool. I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov January, when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a stun Avail, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth. Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was save a bet. A HEN. 121 I hav saw a liuman being do similar things, but they did it tew win a bet. To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law now living. If i couldn't be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be Blakstone, and compoze sum law. Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, " no yung snob shall walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath da}, and twitch hiz hat oph more than two times, on each block, to persons on the opposite side ov the street, whom he dont kno, and who dont know him. I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy ov it to all the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city. This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity. But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a darn phool. 1 like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their destiny than ennyboddy i kno ov. They don't never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew bizzness. The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay eggs, and when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained tew set still on them, until they are born, this iz the way yung hens fust see life. The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 eggs, but i hav seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens. When a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting her, the party looks like a swarm ov bumble bees. Thare aiut nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white stuns, under this same hen, and she will set thare till she hatches out the stones. I hav seen them do this too i dont wish tew sav, that i hav seen them hatch out the stones, but i hav seen them set on the stones, untill i left that naberhood, which waz two years ago, and i dont hesitate tew say, the lien iz still at work, on that same job. ' ANIMATED XATLK. .Noboddy but a pliool would stik tew bizzness az cluss aa this. Hens are older than Aletlmseler, and gro older till they die, .Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, kan commense life, with the usual kapital, and live 999 years. This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have beeu informed correktly. I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a spec- iality) laid, cackled, and sot a long time before Metlmselei did. After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i make myself fluently understood yet. I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Metliuseler, cackled, ;ind sot, what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were here, and doing bizzness in their line, before Metliuseler waz. Xow 1 hav got it. Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, they don't cackle mutch untill after they -have laid their egg. Sum pliolks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they are going tew do before-hand. A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set o-n 36 eggs, but a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight tew me. I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles them waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more than 36 chickens would. I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and Hmong other pholks I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole ov them out. and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the garden. But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the ground, it iz better composed for skratching in the water. When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melan- kolly, and hart brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the brim ov the mil pond, and wring her hands, and holler tew the ducks, tew come right strate out ov that water, or thev will all eit drowned. A HEN. I have scan this did too, but i never see the ducks come out till they got reddy, nor never see a young duck git drowned. Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch water ax a sponge will. One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, *-ho claim they ought tew lay two." This needs more testimony. Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that sur- pass cooked hen, if eaten in the days ov their youth and inno- sense, but after they git old, and kross, they kontrakt a hab- it ov eating tuff. After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it. I don't speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won't git tew be worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life. Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, the loss iz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into th& chicken coop, and steals all the chickens. Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but tha old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering. 124 ANIMATED NATUR. After they hav laid an egg, they aiut afraid tew say so, and kan outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind. I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden. I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden. I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and swearing. THE GOTE. THE gote iz a koarse wollen sheep. They hav a split hoof and a whole tail. They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion. They swallo what they eat, and will eat enny thing they kan bite. Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cam honestly bi a pek ov oats. The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and v. mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naber- hood. A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz shadder on a ded wall. They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed. They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity. THE GOTE. 125 They arc faithf ul critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he livs in a shanty. They kan klinie ennything Imt a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine. They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys arehaffgotes, and the other haff' children. They are good eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git stronger. They are alwns poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an injun-rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the out- side bust ov a gote. A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity. They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the language more fluently than the parients do. Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all. The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philoso- phy looking old cuss, and wouldn't make a bad proflfessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges. They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion. How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell. Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here. Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a pro- found sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day. I wouldn't like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so. Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov liiz head tew sto a\viy things into. 126 ANIMATED NATUK. The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch. They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in vari- ous ways. This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, vs. excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them belly cose, and fightful. It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pug- nashus fluid, to let ophhizleft colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret, This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits. In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov filter times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven't allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job. A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mis- take opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them. Finis. GOOSE TALK. THE goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud. They are good livers ; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right. These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difliciilt tew tell now, which will finally win. GOOSE TALK 127 But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for. that i would sell it for half what it was worth, jnst be- kauze it didn't hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well ; sum ov our best biographers say, TO years, and grow tuff' tew the fast. They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg in which the gosling lies hidd. The gosling iz the goose's babe. The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pas- ture on sumboddy's vacant lot. They seem tew lack wisdom, but are con- sidered generally sound on the goose. They are good eat- ing, but not good chaw- ing; the reason ovthis remains a profound se- kret to this day. i When the femail goose iz at work hatch- ing, she iz a hard bird tew please ; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful. They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss. But they are mostly cureiss about one thing : they kau liaui one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands. I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this. GOOSE TALK. ANIMATED NATUR. "THE CLAM." clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side JL ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along. Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky ; they hav got an impediment in their noize ; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib. Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted ; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuif in ; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov SNAILS, SKA1KS, AND BABYS. THE slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail. They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go away from home. Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant plioolme with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don't kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don't never kno how snails taste, i don't think now i shal] repent ov it. STRIPED SNAKE. 120 It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i don't know even this, i don't mean tew git m a d a b o u t i t. I hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather hav phaith than knowl- edge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain't certain, but phaith iz cheap, and don't make enny blunders. Science iz smart, but she kant tell ju what makes the flowers blush so menny different col- ors, but phaith can. phaith iz a giant. STRIPED SNAKE. ' The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned loose. They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed. They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad repu- tashun, and all the innocence in the world won't kure a bad reputashun. They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze don't stay long enuff in the right place. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but 130 ANIMATED NATUK. "When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loaf ing around loose for strawberry s, i waz often times just a go- ing tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me o^ strawberrys. If a striped snaik got into a 10-ake* lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik. " Fust cum, fust sarve," was mi motto. I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture forme. Wimmin don't luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this. How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me, and if i hadn't read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it. I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most. I wouldn't swop oph the phaith i h7 Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turlde. Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, SHANGHI. and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst. The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then 168 ANIMATED NATUR kant kiver but 3 ov them the rest stand around on the out- side, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze ; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi ! Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess. They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff. This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze ; but the hen ain't tew blame for this. Biled hen iz universally respekted. Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say lie didn't. So it goes, which and tuther. I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg ; sumtimes i think the egg waz and sumtimes i think the hen waz and sumtimes i think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me. Laying eggs iz the hen's best grip A hen that kant lay eggs iz laid out. One egg iz konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav herd ov their doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth. The poet sez, butifully : " Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen I I wish they'd let her bee ; She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, jLnd Sundays she'd lay 8." THE AUNT. ICO This sounds trew euuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thous- and dollars that it never took place. The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning- mill, by running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze, thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden. Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh beef -stake is good for hens ; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and take it in egg. THE AUNT. The ant iz a menny footted insekt. They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common. They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages. They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts. Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a job. 170 ANIMATED NAT UK. They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run. Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn't understand; they don't kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more. They ain't a-hunting after the philosopher's stone, nor git ting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes. They don't care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don't bob over their korn krib and spill their barley. They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts. They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian. If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny.kan liv so thick. If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened. If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass. I hav sot by the hour and ahaff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled ; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave tha* even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work by chance. THE AUNT. 171 Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident ! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven. I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, pro- fane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice. Ants are older than Adam. Man (for very wise reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good. If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon boss- ing the rest ov the job. He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green. I am glad that man waz the last thing made. If man hadn't hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it. I haven't much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont. Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sum- thing. Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a boss and ride thru them on a walk. They don't hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simp- ly, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts. They don't hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swal- lered. I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them. I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better. The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in "Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when ft cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws. 172 ANIMATED NATUR. This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz \vtiss than the cholera inorbust for poor Erie. Ants never disturb Erie ; yu couldn't sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland. Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength ; but if they don't they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and ap- ply for an injunkshun to-morrow ; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line. Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick. SUM SNAIX. THE ADDER. adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very JL butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph. They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead. They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the \vater, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip joph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shad- do ov the weeping willo. They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy. THE STRIPED SNAIK. The striped snaix is one ov th garden varietys. They in- habit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the gar- den, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass gen- erally. SUM SNA IX. 173 \H? M*T They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo. The fust snaix, we hav enuy ackoimt ov much, waz the devil, surnamed belly zebubb, who wiggled his way in- t o t h e Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansess- tors, out ov joy in- neffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommou poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile. Snaix kaut stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will al \vuss dismount, and Inch hiz anirnile boss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix. This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow. Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish. I doir t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix ten settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house. 174 ANIMATED NATUR. Let enny body just holler "striped snaix" once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin ten paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug. Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and "thareby hangs a tail." THE BLUE RACER. The blue racer is a Western suaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe. They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles. They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play "tag." They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments. They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at. Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hiro- gliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die. It is a dredt'ul krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don't stand enuy more chance ov getting away than a ehesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it. They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov butter- milk tew find its way into him. THE BLAK SNAIK. The blak suaix iz the onlv one i kno ov \vho kan klimb a THE MILK SNA IK. tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov theii nests oph from the topmost limb. They are az handy in a tree top az ayung inunkey, but arc not pizon tew bight. They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their vie tims. I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never kmi a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn't eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix. Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say "Go up, old bald hed" and who put kittens into tar bar- rels will make a note ov this. The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek. There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untilL they git their heds smashed, aiid here \L jc.st whare the po- etry comes in. There ain't much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi rleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn't be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape. THE MILK SNAIK. The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way. I don't beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snai.N no man iz obliged tew tell the whole, truth about them eniiy how. Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew Consider the fackts ov when they write onto them. I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment. 176 ANIMATED NATUR. if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him. This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a mar- vel. The Bible sez, "marvel not" and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav won- dered if Joner's ketching the whale just az he did, wasn't some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze. If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan't smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile's dimenshuns. I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life away, and don't never see one, I don't intend tew mourn in- konsolably about it. I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn't go a haff' a mile from here to -see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them. Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their Leds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble. THE KACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER. Till] Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its disko very by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with. He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him. lie resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates tbe THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER. 177 cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and under- stands hiz bizznese. Iliz family consists ov a wife and tbree children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs. He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it. Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions. During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside. When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz los f a heaven upon earth. But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain't worth a cuss. He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan't redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing. He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide". He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it. I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz. I can't find, by sarching the passenger list, that Xoah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mut- 12J 178 ANIMATED NATUK. ton sassage, that mister coon, and niz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride. I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that hu could steal quick. Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days. I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan't advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch look- ing after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Kail Eoad. I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever ; lately, i dis- kovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel. Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age ; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family. I feel sorry for coons ; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace ; but even this would not save them from final perdishun. Xatur don't make any mistakes, after all ; she hits the bull right in the eye every time : when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a petty - f ogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon. Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would ; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal lesi pcttyfogger. THE FEATHERED ONES. D IK. 179 If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun te\f politicks, thar ain't but few could beat him ; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the coun- try, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts. THE FEATHERED ONES. DUK. THE duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this nat- uralists say so, and kommon sense teaches it. They are bilt sum thing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don't kackle like il the hen, nor k r o like the rooster, nor holler like the pea- kok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey ; but they quack like a root d o k t e r, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon's. They have a wov- en fut, and kan float on the water az nat- ral az a sope bubble. They are pretty mutch all f e a t h- ers, and when the THE * EATH > ONES. feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed, 180 ANIMATED NATUR Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness. You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feath- er now and then ; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it this iz strikly conti den shall. TURKEY. Roast turkey iz good, but tiirkey with kranberry sass iz better. The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik. They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but them self s. Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket. Wet weather iz bad on a turkey a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs. The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense. I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them. The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy. Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on THE HOSSTR1TCH. IS! a clmreli steeple, i li.iv known them tew roost all night on the top limb 'ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20. degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph. P. S. If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sarfs will do. THE HOSSTRITCH. The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg a-bout the size ov a man's hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion. They resemble in size, and h'gger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which in- habit their tails. The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts. They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out. They ain't bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz. I don't kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs ad- vertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare. Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it. I shan't never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i re- main in mi right mind. If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life. I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don't mean tew hanker for hot sand. 1 *2 ANIMATED NATUll. THE PARROT. The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk. They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers. They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like ineny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest. They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless. In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizaslmn. They resemble the border injun in this respekt. "When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits. I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven't seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss. If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare. I don't make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or petsov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.) THE BOBALINK. The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him. They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once. They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp. The female bird don't sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family. They have but one song, but they understand that perfektljf well. THE EAGLE. NATRAL HISTORY. 183 When they sing their months git az pliull ov inusik az a man's duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast. Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once. THE EAGLE. Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles ; they kan look at the sun without winking ; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed ; they kan pierce the bin etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight's blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thous- and miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not. Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan bek-ave what the poeks sing. I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers. NATRAL HISTORY. IT is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral h tory ov the jLouse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful. Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, " tew fight it out on the line" ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experi- 184- ANIMATED NATUR. ence gives out, i shall tap mi iinaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply. Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyims, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum. Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn't lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy. I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot. All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a wood chucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck. Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class. But all this iz remote from the louse. The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose. Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom. I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other. Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were NATKAL HISTORY. 185 a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don't hesitate tew say, that they were aul the raije at th:;t time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market. But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain't spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on. The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be. They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel. When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster's head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the tele- graphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venera- ble soldjers, in the grand army ov progression. After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don't seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them. Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital crea- tion, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply dispize snaiks,/^/* musketoze, avoid fleas, don't associate with the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet. Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother's kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse 180 ANIMATED NATUR. and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her tliinn nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don't know what the feeling iz ; perhaps suinboddy out ov a job can tell me. KATS. AKAT iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they donthav but one square deth. It iz allmost impossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury. I hav only one way iniself to judge ov a ded kat. If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the fitun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all wintei THE HUM BUGG. 187 ander a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, 'that Teat? waz ded, or waz playing the tiling dredful fine. Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-eoulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats. They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind. The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain't reliable ; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust. Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood- house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split. THE HUM BUGG. THE most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg. They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot. It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs if this iz a fakt he haz got more chil- dren than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amunget them. Th hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dicing in one place, and being sud- denly born in another. They are ov awl genders, including the maskiiline, feminine and mitral, and kan liv and grow phatt wliare an honest bugg would starve to death begging. 1SS ANIMATED XATUR. The hum l)Ugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite 3 and rather than loose a good meal will s waller a thing whole. Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance. They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knock- ing from the highest tew the lowest, and tho of ten kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever. The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheat- ing the whole of them. The Bible sez " the grasshopper iz a burden " and i be- lieve it but i think the hum bugg iz the heavy est bug ov the two. But the world kant well spare the hum bugg ; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew z'\t a living, for thare doesn't seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good b^zzness with. Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time. I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don't let him bite the other cheek also. Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg. they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing. Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov. Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposislnm az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth. If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at borne with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn't feel any kind ov a bite. THE BUGG BEAR. If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bu bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan't a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet's, and always different from a dog's, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling. THE BUGG BEAR. "VTATTIAL History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az -L 1 enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz the buggbear. The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatch- ed by an imaginary process. They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the' thing that casts it. They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the bugg and the bear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug. They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow. I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov. They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the big- gest when they are first born. They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the phil- osophers hav seen themaz often az the children hav, and hen as badly ska red by them. They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov devil try az a jack lantern. Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them. UK) ANIMATED NAT UK. THE GAME CHICKEN. LO, and behold the game rooster ! He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew file for a kingdom. He stands up 011 hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, w i t h each feacher fastened in its place. II iz eye gleams in its socket like a sol- taire on the queen's linger. Iliz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dag- ger. When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the war- path. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden. Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle. Bring oil the other rooster. THE GAME CHICKEN, THE DUK. Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen. -L When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment^ in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with. THE DUK. 191 The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden. Their foot iz like a small spider's web, only more substan- shul bilt. They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot. They kan div in the water az handy az a bull frog, and never git water soaked. Water won't stay quiet on a duk's back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill. Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon. They are more profitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan cat so mutch faster. Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civiliza- shun haz did sumthing handsum for dtiks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old whnmin. Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks. The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanoiisly without enny order. Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers. ji They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed A duk's feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on. Men often call their wifes their " dear duks" this is on ackount ov their big bills. The duk don't kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk. They do a good deal ov quacking that don't amount tew mutch. Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told win. The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles ; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel. 192 ANIMATED NATUR. They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left. Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards. Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they '.ouldn't eat themselfs oph from their feet. Duks la egtrs, but don't la them around loose. OO * Hunting duks' eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun. A man couldn't earn 30 cents a day and board himself, aunting duks' eggs. The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing. They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the w r ing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz. I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kainp meeting. I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov. I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move. Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up. Thare ain't no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan ontlimp a lame duk. Yu often hear the term " lame duk" applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment. Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from. T THE SANDY HILL CRANE. HE crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things. He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, look- ing for sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over. MOKE SNAIKS. 193 He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year's bird's nest. He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs. He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax. When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a wind mill, broke loose from its fastenings. . Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand. The crane iz not a good bird for diet ; the meat tastes liko injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss. I never hav et enny crane, nor don't mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out. I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness even a crane from Sandy Hill kan. fifi hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner. I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn't never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov man- kind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz. to say the least, a dredf ul smart job. Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a t bread pill iz. Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this ; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph ; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller doir. MOKE SNAIKS. THE KATTLESNAIX. THE rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six- feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a ANDiATED XATUIl. The}' hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur. On the i'r.rllier end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noi;:e from which they take their n am e from. Thare i/. onlv one remidy for the In'.*.:, ov a ratilesnaik thai: I kno ov, and that iz whisky. I have seen a man that had l.in Lit bi one, diink three quart;; ov whisky, and be sober enuli all the time tew jine the sons ov t e m- pnmse. I hope I never shall be bit bia rat- 1 1 es n a i x, no!; s< I 1 U ' d 1 Oil a / I S-s?y* ;v --,,.- V MORE SNAIKS. ov the snaik az on ackount ov tlie whi^.y. I think three quarts ov whiskey in n.i peivon at onst would keep me drunk forevermore. The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog. I have seen a woods hog take after a rattkvnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then s\vallo him whole without saying grace. The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will Ir.nit for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the Biiaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in ? mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them. THE HOOP SNA IK. This remarkable snaix haz a fnnnv wav ov takino 1 their tail MOKE SNAIX. 105 in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait. Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie. Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it z a great wonder to me that they don't leave this world en- tirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show. I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the inenagarie, and then take yure chances. The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too. THE ANAKONDY. The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4: feet below r the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off. They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole vil- lage in their wrath. The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klirnates. Jle would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives. Anakondy Avood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire. THE GARTER SNAIX. The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen's leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee. This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix. I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov mv legs ; but then T am a nei- 106 ANIMATED NATUR. vous individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawi around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly. I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would Inv tew hav a siiaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like. I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if 1 couldn't git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze. But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith a kind of inexplicable thing, indis-. kribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere typeorshaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself. Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter. They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen. THE EEL SXAIK. The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food. They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle. and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot. They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie them- selfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas. I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook. Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them. I don't know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactlv, but / / they are near enuff to suit me. THE SEE SABPENT SNAIX. The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet. Thare ain't but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet. The fust time he was seen waz off Xahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards. MORE SNA1X. 191 fie haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show. This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log- hous. He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin. He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support. He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts. He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour. The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerikan Snaix, and don't hav tew leave home. THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey. They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a rniimitt's notiss. They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied. I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would makeyu sea- sik tew look at them. I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper- hcd and then lay down and die ; it iz almost az unpleasant ai beirg Iring. 198 ANIMATED NATUli. Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin or Eden, and win they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain. I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into Iks, they are sublimely pestiverous. THE BLU JAY AND OTHEES. THE BLUJAY. THE blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail. They are a miste- rious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighnsov civilizashun. Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with. The blujay haz no s o n g t h e y kant sing even " From Greenland's Icy Mountains ;" but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter's morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at. THE BLUJAY. THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 100 It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but wheii i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie. The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly. They hav no song, but whissell tor musik ; the tune iz soli- tary and sad. They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithraetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain't studdied quail on the wing, ho might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go. Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi hum ble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and suin- thing tew drink. I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accom- panyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi lied, and then smile sweet acquiescence in other words, I always quail before such a request. THE PATRIDGK. The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen. Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz. It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be des- cribed and make enny boddy beleave it. The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are eousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuif tew hav bin born thare. 200 ANIMATED NATUU. Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and A mboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent. I have eat theze lamentabel ui Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding's glue. THE WOODKOK. The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker. and fly away az krooked az a kork- skrew. They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most deli- kate things. They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond. The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a whizz, and the last thing a whurr. How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove. . I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet. They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers. THE GUINA HEN. The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon. They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run. They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 201 much on the sly, that they often kan't find them thernselfs. They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow. They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself. They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph. They are more ornamental than ueeful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks. They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it. THE GOSLIN. The goslin iz the old goose's yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water. They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually. If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn't believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die. The goose are different in one respe'kt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer ; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish. I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn't look an hour older than one that waz 17. The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends. The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buck- wheat kakes that are left over. They ain't so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won't git mad and quit if they kan't hav wet toast and lam chops every morning fur breakfast. 02 ANIMATED NATUR. If i waz a going tew keep "boarder?, i wouldn't want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i koukln't suit them i should konklnde i had mistaken mi kail ing. Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git ennff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside. I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate np for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, " Mister, the roast goslin iz no more." SMALL-SIZED VEKMIK THE GETJB. grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, -L i never have saw a checkered grub so far. I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub. The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living. They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew. They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork. They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver." They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool. Sum pholks kant see enny immny in a grub, but i kan. I hav eh opt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down be- hind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while lie turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer SMALL-SIZED VERMIN. 203 1 had rather ketch a trout in this way than te\v be presi- dent ov the United States for the same length ov time. Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az kra- zy, and az safe, az soda water. It don't take mutch tew make me happy, but it will take more munny than enny man on this futtstool, haz got, tew buy out the little stock I alwuss keep on hand. THE LADY BUG. The lady bug iz the most genteel vermin in market. They are spotted red and blak for col- VKRMIX. or, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don't look un- like a drop ov red sealing wax. They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt skoohnaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans. The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime *' Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home, Your house is on fire, and your children will roam.' Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put fo home in a grate hurry. The lady bug iz probably useful, but "Webster's unabridged dont tell us for what. Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for, i dont blame the bug. 204 ANIMATED NAT UR. I liav grate phaith in enny thing that kreeps, krawls, or even wi">-les, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about C^t? ' the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped bnaix, i hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain. Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order. THE TREE-TUB. Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi Christian friends \ If yu didn't, cum with me next July, and i will sho yu one. Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physi- kally they aint. They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other. They are the only tuds that kan klimb with, enny degree of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea- kittle when she is cooking water. Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly like the spot where they set. I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg. The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages. A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song. They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov. THE POKKUPINE. The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck. They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf. They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives. It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood. An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he SMALL-SIZLD VERMIN. 205 would a phi re brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like ur- chins into a sugar hogshed. The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out. A porkupine's quill vrhen it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got. The purkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and ber.ii3 with the beans left out. They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew. 1 hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov them. I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it yet. Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill , it may be only a hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold. DEVIL'S DARNING NEEDLE This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov pro- porshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat. They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log. They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water. All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather enkountcr a wild kat (provided the kut waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil's darning needle. They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish appearance generally. (See AVebster'i unabridged on this subjekt. EAMRODS. higher up we git, the more we are watched theroos -L ter on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more impor tance, altho' he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard. If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you. Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody's barn. I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good Ink. Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal. A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin. All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end it viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet. Thare iz a grafe difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us. If a man iz full ov himself, don't tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust. Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out o\ necessity. The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own. I don't think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she 206 K AM RODS. 2U7 was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too. It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man's advice, than hiz example. The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswa- siv the wife iz espe- shily when she wants sumthing. I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don't have enny. I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and dis- kreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius. Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility. Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on ac- count ov their gravity. He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on hea- ven. Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea. Take the selllishness out ov this world, and thare would bo more happeness than we should kno what to do with. \Vhcn a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy 208 AFFLKISMS. else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a "poor devil." Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its impostors. It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the lit- tle pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness ; the openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the skin. When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest. If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted. Thare iz nothing we brag ov more tlian our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the etfekt ov interest az principle. It don't show good judgment to be surprized at enny thing in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncer- tainty. Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery ; sum yu kau daub it on with a white- wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers. Every man haz a perf ekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours. Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and hum We before God. Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will. Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, butitiz the butt end ov it. If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not behalf so attraktive. Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were \vize enutf tew ketch a fox In argument, we shouldn't hav to set a trap for him. Prosperity makes us all honest. Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it LOBSTIR SALLAD. 209 A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don't seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out. Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morn- ing. Everyboddy's friend should be noboddy's confidant. Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us. Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply. Thare ain't but phew men who kan stick a white hanker- chef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out just bi acksident. LOBSTIE SALLAD. A SLANDER iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust bio, yu better not strike at it. Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs. I make this distinkshun between character and reputashun reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, charakter iz what the world knows ov us. What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet. No man ever yet, increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies. Anxiety alwus steps on itself. Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe. Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy. It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good lack often makes a famous one. Opiriyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch. 210 AFFURISMS. I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder. Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky. I don't beleave in total depravity, every manhaz sumthing in him to show that God made him. I suppoze that one reazon whi the " road to ruin" iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun. I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy. A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain't good for nothing after it iz pricked. A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius if a man's genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one. Vanity iz seldom malishous. A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word. Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it. "When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool. Men mourn for what they hav lost wimmin, for what they hain't got. 1 judge ov a man's virtew entirely bi his phashions it iz a grate deal cazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity. A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line. Jsatnr iz a kind mother. She couldn't well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings. Stnddy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain't no human natur in a man's head. Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest. MOLLASSIS KANDY. 211 Beware ov the man with half-s-hut eyes he ain'l dreaming. Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones. Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply ahvus exceeds the demand. One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener. Fools are the whet-stones ov society. Better make a weak man yoar enemy than your friend. Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum. Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, fciusn't forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit tho world. Put riiaii down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, never- theless, to wit, verily, amen. Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffiing \it only a weakness in phools. I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show. Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in tlm " wiminlns' rights bizzness," then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession. Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauzc; we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to. Praize that ain't deserved iz no better than slander. There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool. MOLLASSIS KANDY iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollas- JLsis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz al- wus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it. I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git. 212 AFFURISMS. Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if Ikaii't hav but one, give me the abuse. Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or s.issy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov mininy, and only one o:it ov 10 gits it. Next tew the man who iz wuth a mill- yun, in point ov .verJth, iz the man, who don't kare a l.uss for it. A reputashun for L.ippiness needs az in u tch watching az ;i reputashun for honesty. When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom. I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, " the devil take the hind- most" Success don't konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time. He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it- While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys. MOLLASSIS KANDY. MQLLA86IS KANDY. 213 Tbare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the lad- der in this world, if we reach the utmost round; then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer. Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon win it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us. When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the ththg, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov. The man who haz got a mote in biz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz brothers. Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others. The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz conshience. Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the re- sult ov being dissatisfied with ourself s. Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that pro- porshun, he iz a dead beat. Early genius iz like early cabbage, don't head well. It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5 ; i found this out more than 7 years ago. Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi le* ting go, tew spit on hiz hands. - Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo. About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary notiss. Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones. I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens. The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her. If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livsin, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher. The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov theinselfs 214 AFFUHISMS Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth. The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself. 1 look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life. Life ain't long enuff for enny man tew kno himself. Yirtew don't konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them ; a man without enny pashuns iz sim- ply az virtewous az a graven image. One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick. Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaint- ance. Don't forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand peo- ple in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu. Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az polite- ness, and none more profitable. Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs. Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence. Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful, be thank- ful, and yu are sure tew be happy. He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very danger- ous man. Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry. Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal inixtur. A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything. Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wirnmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty. Opinions should be formed with grate causlmn, and chang- ed with grater. PUDDIN AND MILK. 215 The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death. Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute. PUDDIN AND MILK. LOYE iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan. The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had. Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient. Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take. Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer an other, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so. Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you. Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing ? If i was a going to paint apikter of Faith, Affection and Hon- esty, i w*uld paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail. The devil iz a mean kuss ; he never keeps hiz own prom- ises, but alwus makes us keep ours. Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive. There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance. Laws are made, customs grow laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves laws begin where customs end. Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words. Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey ; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head. 216 AFFURISMS. The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tewknowl edge iz a bye way. Shame iz the dicing embers of virtew. I don't know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else. Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground. We shouldn't forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out. Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice. Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz din- ner. I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it. Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself. Natur iz jist az honest az a cow. Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you i mean suspekt yu ov know- ing a grate deal more than yu aktually do. If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from commit- ting suicide. People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, " thare airtt no hope for him" i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right. What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove them- selves. Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but lie let sin beat him out of hiz birthright. PLUM PITS. 21? A crowing lien and a cackling ruseterare very niist'ortuniito poultry in a family. Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level. Titles are valuable ; they make us acquainted with mennf persons who otherwise would be lost aiming the rubbish. Peace iz the soft and holy shudder that virtew casts. Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other. It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it. Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than coun- terfiting. Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail. The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show. PLUM PITS. IT iz a grate art to kno how tew listen. This seems to be about the way it iz did : When we are rung, we run into difikultys, and when we git old, we fall into them. Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes ayungman sober, and an old man gay. Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav. It ain't bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up. I don't kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don't kno it. AFFU1USMS. About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults h tew quit them. I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy. The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them. The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear PULLED OUT A PLUM new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them. About all tint this far famed Philos- ophy kan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reach- ed the hight of its ambislmn w hen it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr. Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us. There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him on* from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun. Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use. If yu seek wibdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire laming, studdy dikshionarys. I think opportunitys are made full az of ten az they happen. PLUM PITS. 219 T hav often had grave doubts, winch waz ov the most im- portance, the hustle ov men or the hurry ov pissinires. It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are he Jow us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy. Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see hoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enutf iew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuft' tew be good. The man who don't kno himself iz a poor judge ov the other phellow. Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one ahnv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us. Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous ynng one at 60. Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter tlioze whom we don't respekt enuft' to praze. Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle. We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others aa to eskape ourselfs. The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are. To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew he simply az courageous az a beast. Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world persekuted for the devil's sakeiz not so common. Don't be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest. I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blun- ders, but I don't luv them. I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces. I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel thut i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tev? every man living. The greatest blessing that the great snd good God ",aD bestow on enny human being iz humility 220 AFFURISMS. Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are knssid poor. Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the coun- try, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little ; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertise- ments onto. How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it. I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism ; i beleave in let- ting every man iight hiz rooster hiz own way. Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed ; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike. If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall befit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else. Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav. Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess. The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most. Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to lazy- ness. Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand. Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur. Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy. Sekrets are like the meazles they take eazy and spred eazy. The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old. We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures. CHIPS. 2'2 1 The heart rules the lied, bekauze the paslums rule the judge- ment. Advice iz like kissing it don't kost nothing, and iz a pleaz- ant thing to do. One ov the most dlftikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, tilings for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so muteli ackount now az we waz. CHIPS. DONT mistake a donnkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways. "It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another thing tew find them. " It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller. " Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes. " The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse ; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend. " Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys ; a flag ov truce ; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss. "If you are looking after happiness don't take the turn- pike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty. "Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain't perfekt without a good deal ov sugar. "Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty. " Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, yu might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork. 22 AFFUIUSAISJ. "A witty writer is like a porkupine, In/, quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe. "About one-half the discunifert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs. '* Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him. " lie that marrys a Christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence. "Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they wax dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living. " Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark. '* Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing hap- pens by acksident awl things may ; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents. " We should be kerf ul how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin. " Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful. " Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the low-ly az among the ritch ; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious Avonder, while he struts up and down the alley. fc ' We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now. " The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be damned. " Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need ? cer^ tainly ; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow. "Just pruize iz the vcrnakular ov good deeds. KOAKSE SHOT. 223 " Whare tbare iz grate virtue, tliare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very "poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that. "Revenge iz jist^iz natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst." KOAKSE SHOT. "TTTIIEXEVER yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the Y V jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job. The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a crate deal eazier tew ~ be a philosopher af- ter a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don't kno whare he iz a going tew git one. Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it. To never dispair may be God like, but it ain't human. Affektashim looks well in a monkey. Trieing t e w de- fine love iz like trieing tew r tell how yu kum tew brake thnj the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got ducked. The prinsipal importanseova mistery iz the mistery itself KOARSE SHOT. 224 AFFUKISMS. What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that nobofr dy ever saw one. The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like tho money we receive from them, we arc not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulaslmn, and transmit the principle unimpaired. A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one. It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real pos sessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it. Wealth iz no guard agiust villany, thare iz az mutch in iquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers. A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone. Avarice iz az hungry az the grave. Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use. I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle. About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kornpozure. Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless. Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis. Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job. I think thare iz az menhy old phools in the world, az tharo iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do. The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukslmn. A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package. A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth an drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides. We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. "We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill. Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch. Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don't phur- nish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sum- thing wuss ; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys. Poverty iz the step mother ov genius. Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when lie walks, and who purrs when he talks ; he iz a kat in disguise. It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he fed waz worth 5 dollars. I've forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time. When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns. Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price. Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner. " Time iz money,'"' nienny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it. Competishun iz a good thing, even arming brutes two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful. Originality in writing haz alwus been praized. but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting. Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, how r ever poor, who would swap estates with them. If a man iz very bizzy he kantbe very sorrowful, nor very vi scions. PEPPEE PO0S. 237 If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny a mere pimp tew hiz welth. One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury. I don't think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the hiccups. Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute. The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, andbranes, are in order. Justiss now daze aint worth \vhat it kosts. I've seen men so fun-proof that yukouldn't fire a joke into them with a dubble-barreled gun. Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in every- thing, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans the next. If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i would say it waz him who never told a lie. The meanest thing that euny man ever followed for a bizz- ness, iz making money. Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed. PEPPER PODS. IF yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz gen- erosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back. A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn't got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred. Afflckshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous. 238 AFFURISMS. Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieiug tew con vince a phool. Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the i'urther we make it go. The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking. Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment. He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgag- ing himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises. Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perf eckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. MORAL : studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice. Young man don't marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custom in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel. Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since. The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous jnnocence ov a lazy savage. Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time theze are the folks who alwus enjoy poor health. If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don't strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack. A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a hen's egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything. PEPPER PODS. 239 " Pejple ov good sense" are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with GUIS. Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon. The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and wor- ship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe. Experience don't make a man so bold az it duz so careful. Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik ; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake. Thare ain't but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain't in market, it iz held for a dividend. Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew them : " To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repent- ance" Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our virtew even a boy never feels half so good az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool. Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom yu meet. Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in danger ov bumping yure lied agin the truth, and az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how. Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the proze ; and this iz all well enuff if the taste or the poetry hain't spilte our relish for the proze. The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissa- pointmeiit. The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he liaz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children aiming them. Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the mid- dle, and settlings at the bottom. 240 AFFURISMS. We should liv in tins life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable tew fall at eriny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders. Men, if they ain't too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy the time a good deal az follows : the fust 30 years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throw- ing bizzness, and missing the rumatizz. This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked. HOOKS & EYES. are people who dont do enny thing but watch their -L simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a hoard fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out. The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good. The grate -art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in ex- pectancy. After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised. Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun. that they kant tell the truth without lieing. Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a nians vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind hiz back. lam rather favourably impressed with Gm and Milk, az an HOOKS & EYES. extrakt, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend \.l.h sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to rec- komend it tewhiz people, i hav mi douhts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do. A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz mind, but he never kan out ov hiz heart. I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who haz improved the whole ov hiz op- portunity and abili- tys. "W i m m in quite often possess supe- rior tallents, but their genius lays in their pashuns. Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, w hat it feeds o n most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it. Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble. The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for suspicion. Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish things. It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az they kan git enny thing else. The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don't kare if he sprung from a dunghill. HOOKS AND ETES. 242 AFFURISMS. Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave what we kant understand. Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb. "When we are young we change our opinyuns too oftea When we are old, too seldum. Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze who don't beleave " that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth." "We lay all of our bad Ink tewsumboddy else, but our suc- cesses we giv ourself kredit for. Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant. A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov mollassis kandy that haz half melted. Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least tew hav jokes played upon them. One ov the most diffikult things for an old person tew for- git and at the same time the most necessary, iz that they are no longer young. Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles the pa- shunt alwus haz it light. Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew the amount ov their branes. It iz better tew be stubborn than weak. There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew be obliged tew flatter another. Most men had rather be ritch than wize. Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we often see the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize the most timid. About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz tew make death a relief. Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing. To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov enny man. Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. HOOKS & EYES 243 When a doktor looks me square in the face ami kant see no money in me, them i am happy. He who will flatter another, will roh him, if he gits a good chance. Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a con- vent, if we could eskapefrom ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do UB more hurt, than enny boddy else. The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others. If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse to be born. What iz the principal difference between poverty and ritches? poverty kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be worse, the difference iz in favor of poverty. We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon. A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums resignaslmn. The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do better next time. Fashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a little one. Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov. Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same effekt on a man's mind, that too mutch eating, and too little exercise haz on hiz boddy. The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble things that are always a going tew happen never do happen. Face all things! even advertisy iz polite tew a man's face A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered it. Thare iz no good substitute for wisdnm, but silence iz the best that haz been discovered vet. 244 AFFUEISMS. Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised. If I had a boy whose hair wouldn't part in the middle, I should bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up the boy. JAW BONES. DRY GOODS are worshiped in this world now more than the Lord iz. Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made ; coun- cilling with hope iz the way heroes are made ; councilling with faith iz the way Christians are made. Pleazure iz like a hornet generally ends with a sting. The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the subburbs ov virtew they are rotten ice. Lazyness iz a good deal like money the more a man haz ov it, the more he seems tew want. Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virfcew ; money and titles and fever sores kan be inherited. The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits tender, but tasteless. Life iz like a mountain after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled. When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up for a critick, arid like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew bob it. The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on hand. Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it. Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz igno- ranse. Modest men, in tricing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy. Reputashun iz like money the principal is often lost by putting it out at interest. ODS AND ENS. 5445 Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love an- other more than we do ourgeli's we shant be jealous. Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn't hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy. Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won't pay for making up. Envy iz an insult tew a man's good sense ; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others. How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill. ODS AND ENS. "VTATUK never makes enny blunders. When she makes \~\ a phool she means it. I hav finally eum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for- good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints. I never knu a man yet whoze name waz George Washing- ton Lafayette Goodrich, Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur. As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals. Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews. Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blun. ders, and the individual so menny, as a man's acktual impor- tanse among hiz fellow critters. A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth. The pa^huns ov an old man are often like hi/ teeth, they AFFURISMS. cease to trouble him, f imply bekauze the nerve is ded. The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools li(M!T| than the Lord haz. About the nearest tew absolute insolven- cy that a man kan git in this world, and think he iz dicing rich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family. I don't pretend tew hav enny less vile paslmns than my na- bors, but i do despize the person, most hearti- ly, who caters tew thoze i hav got. The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer. Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little az revenge. Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement. Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientif fick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without under- standing it. It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most generally taken. Don't lay enny certain plans for the f ewter, it iz like plant* ing tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools. No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness. ODS AND ENS. 217 Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general tiling phools, like garments, are made tew order. A man who iz good company for himself is alwusgood com- pany for others. Genuine praize consists in naming a man's faultz to hiz face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back. One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness ; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs. A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in. r5 "Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hit- ting the mark. I have alwus noticed one thing, when a peison bekums dis- gusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the person went. Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, 01 nates. A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather. I love tew see an old person joyfull, but notkickuptheheels- full. A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov gin- ger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out. Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare ain't but phew can understand it. Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt. "Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he Uaz given us the power tew do. Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies ; grate bores without meaning or knowing it. Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn't hav bin heard ov agin. 248 APFURISMS. The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord. All the good injuns die young. How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post ; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post. I hav herd a grate deal ced about " "broken hcvrtes" and thare may be a f u ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter. I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains. A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun. Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon : one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left. As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well. If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say bring him up the back way. I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose lore was very big. If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, lie never need to look for promoshun. A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram. I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail. FUST IMPRESHUNS. FUST IMPKESIIUNS. 249 FUST impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who haz only been stung bi a hornet once will swear to this. The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. Thare aint but phew wlio kan navigate without a kompass. A wize man iz never konfounded bi what he dont under- stand, but a phool generally iz. Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side ! I don't know ov a more lamentable sight than an old rake even repent- ance looks like a weakness in him. Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a TOST IMP RESHUNS. good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts often cum tew us sudden, but seldum perfekt. They require poli si n'ng up tew make them komplete. Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew turn a grindstun to do it. Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ov nothing more indikative ov strength. Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who couldn't harness a hoss tew save their lives. I don't kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible " Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove." 250 AFFURISMS. Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none mor than ourselves. Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turn ed the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind. A weak constitushuu kan be strengthened, but a weak set DV branes kan't. Vanity iz a strange pashun rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov its vices. All phools are poor listeners. About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people's opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own. Flattery iz like ice-kream to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often. The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more yu abuze him. Yu kan't natter a truly wize man he knows just how mutch praze iz due him ; that he takes, and charges over all the bal- lance tew the proffit and loss ackount. Once in a grate while Fortune willacktualy hunt for a man, but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them. Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable. I don't beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and ras- kals are concerned. It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be eo strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and thrift. How kan we ever expekt tew find a perf ekt person in this world when we kan't even find one who iz haff az good az he kan be. Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find ft sub j ekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew write on a subjekt. FUST IMPKESHUNS. 251 Men are selduin underrated ; the merkury in a man finds its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duzin the glass ov a thermometer. I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity ov them. Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent ; and what makes so mutch trouble iz, the indifferents are in the majority. A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it. When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the ~ O world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises. Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in kon fessing our sins to ourselfs and to each other. I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a sin- gle virtew. Even Judas Iskariot " went and hanged him- siell" The old saying haz it, " it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father," but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize !'ather that knows hiz own child. The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi ex- perience. The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle they don't die out untill they are burnt out. Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they am. A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant. Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don't reduse our phollys. Buty iz power ; but the most treacherous one i kno ov. The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enn* blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this world. 252 AFFURISMS. "Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur ara all braggarts. I will say this for man i don't kno ov enny enterprize ha haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the gen- eral interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded. If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am honest, if i am virtewous what ov it ? i hav simply dun mi duty. I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az eloquent words. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie. Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won't hurt even a saint. Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdumov a phool or the cunning ov a raskall. Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat's life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught and et it. PLUM PITS. A MAN with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful oneazy. I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately. What do yu bet Fame iz 2 I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothea worth fifteen. New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phune- ral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse hoss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust. Ambishun iz like hunger it obeys no law but its appetight PLUM PITS. 253 There iz no medicine like a good joke ; it iz a silver-coated pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run. Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to. The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in. the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board. I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear another hod-carrier say, "He iza cussid phool and dont understand hiz bizzness." Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with butter. " Vote early and vote often," is the Poli- tislnm's golden rule. D u unto others a z yu would be dun by. I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haft' drowned kitten jipt pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself. Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into. Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man's boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient. One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE? 254: AFFURISMS. a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole, A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when itiz going tew bust and skatter confushun. A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail izfull, and seldum misses the mark ; it iz jist so with sum men's blunders. Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid. About one haflf the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke. Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted. Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners. Thare iz lotsov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others. All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold. Hope and Debt are partners in trade Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them. Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track. Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over. Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters. A man has got about done going down hill when he gits K-har he brags on hiz lazyness ; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard. He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter ; but hiz reward here wil) be the poor-house. Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before h kan spell a word ov two sillables. GNATS. A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run thu heats "Wood will tell." Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat. We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but aphool will expekt tew reach it. Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws. Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn't neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredfui spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay. GNATS. IDONT kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good iujun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in. Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins. "What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors mis- fortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven. Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew r shorten the distance. " The gods help them who help themselfs." Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs. Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby. Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced. Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs. Tew be happy take things az they cum, and ?et them go jist az they cum. 256 AFFUKlSMfc. It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don't take but little virtew. It iz the little things ov this life that plague us Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse. What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it ! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world. Don't mistake plezzure for happiness ; it iz entirely a dif- ferent breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it. Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy. Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer. " Sewing Sosietys" are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so up the naberhood. A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare ; an indus- trious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with. It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't kno. A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them. KINDLING WOOD. YOUNG man, when yu hav tew sarch "Webster's Dick' shionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't mean mutch. We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man. KIXDLIXG WOOD. 257 Geauine grief iz like penitence, not klaniorous but subdued ; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ainbishun than piety. About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery. It iz a grate art tew kno how tew " gather figs from this- tles, but philosophy teaches it. The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls. We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want ; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap. I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov yepmint essence i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew im- prove bi diluting. This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny . ov them live unno- ticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashim. All suckcess- ful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow. Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew. 258 AFFUUISMS. Man iz a liily eddikated animal. Don't never phrovesy, ynng man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it. Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable. Excentricitvs when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different. Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, bio them up till they bust. It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it. Thare iz not only plum but thare is virtew in a harty laff ; animals kant laff and devils won't. Don't never quarrel \vith a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade ; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu. I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own. lie who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it. When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale run before the wind. Adversity iz the tire that tempers the iron ov man into steel. I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine. E(Kikashun that don't learn a ma.i now tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bak wards. Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat the rat :; quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole. Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet u. ;-: on a mule it sets them tew kikinjj bak. O One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experienced that every boddy distrusts. An ill-natured old man and an old clmwcd up bull tarrier KINDLING WOOD. '259 are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for. amuzement ! Yice in the young fills us with horror in the old, with disgust. Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan "shine em up" a leetle better than enny one else. The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz death. The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it. The man who never makes enuy blunders seldum makes enny good hits. Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with. Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting. The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable. The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills. Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field ; strip an army oV its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob. Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio. If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil. Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man's kandle bi yours. I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, whe <:ily growls when .i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man. To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess. 2f>0 AFFUK1SMS. It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say. The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit. Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you. A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs. If we couldn't neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be. When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew bo despized, he has tuched bottom. After all, great conversashional powers make a man moro feared than beloved. In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense. Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten min- nits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes. PHISH BAWLS. SINS are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders. I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad Ink to besides ourselfs. Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry. I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments. Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning. The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it PHISH BAWLS. 2fi', I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondeni kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream. One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz hap- pened. Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav. Temper should be curbed, not broken. I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent. The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach. Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup. I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 1 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one. I haven't mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from. After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others. Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy. It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don't konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don't do a man enny good. It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypo- krit than it duz tew be a Christian. Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice. The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kom~ pareing gouts and rumatiss. Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews. About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings. Persons ov the koldest nature when they do love, "eve the 262 AFFURISMh. fiercest so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire. Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it. Thare iz one. pashun (and itiz the meanest one) that no mar, who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy. Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, because it iz one ov the most natral ones. Integrity in vouth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, G V - and honor in old age. Thare iz 1:0 person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it. "Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none. Heaven iz ever kind tew ns, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them. The genuine Christians are the lafimg ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil's oats. Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az tricing tew trace out a kat's pedigree. Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun. Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hay, provided he don't hav too mutch ov it ; thare iz a point at which pashuuce begins tew be ignorance. Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrack-shun. When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing onlj tew shoot at. Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness. The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence he iz alwns worth the face, and keeps bright to the last. Yu may make a mistake in a man's kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity. Xatur never haflf-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt. Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a o coward's paradise. PU1S1I BAWLS. Thare ain't ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness. bat i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum. A good naturd man luiz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennytliing that ix planted in it, good, had, or indiffirent. Human happiness iz sntch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least. Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful ; but sutch men are skarse. Yn kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast. The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world 5z tew watch others, and do jist az they do. Human happiness iz like Joseph's coat a thing of menny colors. I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no 'heart, or the one who iz nil heart and no lied. Hope iz no flatterer she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got. Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit God, man, and the devil. An idle man iz always a bizzy one he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do. Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool. Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew thare are sum people who only ednkate their vices. Every man should kno sumthing ov law if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer. Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies. The best reformers are thoze who are all the time tricing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world one good example, worth at least a dozen precepts. Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level. About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, Is this, the poor suffer misery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it. 264: The time tew pray is not when we are in a tigh.' spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it- There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins. Yn ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if yu du, you'll find you've spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel. I STEAY CHILDREN. DONT think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hi/ excentricitys. Thare iz this diffrence at least, between wit and humor, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff. I luv praze, but despise flattery. I wouldn't giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it. Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts. The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him har biz own way. STRAY CHILDREN. STltAY CHILDREN. ^05 The very tiling that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement. A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pliolly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility. A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, " and steals silently away." When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on. Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs. People who havn't got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about. Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would do different, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to liv better. It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want for us, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too. The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry. Miinny ain't akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them. It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance. "Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God. A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum. One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses. Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober. Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not 20G AFFUKISMS. only enzier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you art abuv him. Don't forgit, ynng man, that excesses in youth are a mort- gage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to for- close and enter on the premises. I hav made a kluss kalkulaehun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess. I hate a crowd, bekau^e crowds are made upov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd. Don't bony nor lend, but if you must, do one, lend. Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days. He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens is the true hero. Faith beats both wisduin and learning. Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz possessed of them. Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes would be dredful skarse. Genius, like the yung eagle, don't hav tew make enny trial tiips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun. Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her favours go it blind. If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn't be much wisdum, i suppoze. It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz. Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken. Haven't yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them? STIJAY CHILDREN. 207 Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckcess. One way tew define love iz, that it makes usphealphunny and akt phoolish. Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color from what it feeds on. Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt. Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the protekshun it affords him. The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz with what he knows. Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery. My yung friend, don't forgit one thing however cunning yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself. Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man's honesty, iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what's left. The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz vanity. Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old ones are the sillyest. The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess. Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy. Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one? I like a wide-awake Christian, one whoze virtew has got fome kayenne pepper in it. Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time. I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real. Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment. I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menuy vices, 268 AFFURISMS. was safer than with one, for the inenny vices often wear each other out, while the one wears the man out. Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to say amen, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in. " Reform ! Reform /" this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans. Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out. Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew ; i have seen men affekt the rcke and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism. It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults noi failings. He who sues for suckcess don't git it so often az he who demands it. Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her. No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a suckcessfnll coquet. Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand. If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various virtews. Blood ain't nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells. The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do ; the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral. It iz eazy enuft', perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain't so eazy. Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who are born so. Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better than tew be a receiver of stolen goods. Thoze who have once tasted the joys ov Humility will tell yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips INK BRATS. 269 INK BEATS. I THANK Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in thia wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn't dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz. Better lend jure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeck- shuns. Better lend yure dollars to enny boddy than yure dolors. Silence iz venerable ; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence. The l)uty ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and the jD0MWOv gratitude iz that '* I thank you," makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us. Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day. Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row. Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us ; it iz the wust slavery thare iz. How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without mean- ing enny thing ; this i kail heat lightning. I say, owe no man ; owing iz but little better than stealing. We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi con- science ; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle. The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound. If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance ? Awl plezzures are lawful that don't end in making us feel sorry. The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, hum- 270 AFFUKISMS. ble when lie communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys. Xatur duz awl lier big and little jobs without making enny furse ; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a i'rog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tare- ing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes. Dutys are privileges. Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protek- tion. Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful aneazy tew take. A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven. Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philoso- pher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, pliatt, and well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tewsmash a hammer awl tew pieces w r ith a looking glass. Evry man kan boast ov one admirer. If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people ; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug. Life iz a pimktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop. No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got. Don't giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little tut that iz in it. I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man,, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how. The man who wrote, " I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta," probably never had been urged sufficiently. Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the s:ime spot. INK BKATS. 271 The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship. It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool in this department, i hav known hun- dreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns. I don't want enny better evidence that ;i man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys. The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter. 1 have found out that happiness konsists in working hizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24. Mankind loves misterys a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans. " Experience iz a good schoolmaster," hut reason iz a better one. A Pedant iz a lernt phool pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it. All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs. Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks. How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs. Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, thisiz nothing more than shrewdness and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew. Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners. Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles. If I had the privilege ov making the Eleveii-.ii Command- ment, it would be this owe no man. Young ones and dogs ? thoze who are the legist able to sup- port them, generally hav the most ov them. Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner. People travel to learn ; most ov them (before they start) ^u^ld learn to travel. AFFURISMS. I don r t beleave in fighting ; i am soleimy aginst it; but if a man gits ten fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party. Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg's tale a very good kind ov kittle BO long az it ain't our dorg'g tale. LIGHTNING BUGS. PLEZZURES make folks acquainted with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other. It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav srrown old, & grown and the best ones, the weakest. Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes bet- ter out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden gob- let. Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid ; lively streams are a 1 w u s LIGHTNING BUGS. Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thnre iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled. LIGHTNING BUGS. 273 About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite. Solitude iz the idleness ov natur. Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our politicians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle. Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and wo should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy. A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee. Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety. No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace. A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail. Vanity iz the superstition ov pride. Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don't intoxikate. I often meet in mi travels bigoted Christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov ex- change, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by gen- eral consent, provided it iz decently well executed. I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake. " Beware ov the dog /" also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman. Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile. A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven. Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle. If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare. A man don't alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize. The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet ; thare iz plenty ov time yet. AFPUKI8M8. A petted child iz like a bile that won't cum tew a hed. Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock's tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail. I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung care lessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor. Cannon balls are the bulbous plants ov Liberty. Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder windy folks will please make a note ov this. Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain't no sich thing, nor hadn't ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world. About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them ; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won't. 1 hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil. Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdow- er and an old bachelor ; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty. Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness ; i should as soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for run- ning agin st it. An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them ; a Yankee afterwards. Fashions 'are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion. Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, ' notiss, don't hav mutch ov enny thing else. Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal pri- vately. I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds ; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps put ov jail. PARBOILS. 275 PARBOILS. IT is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight. Onr wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness. Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them. Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum. Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enutf, but dont show their works in their face. Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship. About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace. When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trie- ing tew walk a crack. Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizzi- ness. It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz. 7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days. Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the 276 AFFUKISMS. meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center ; and glance oph at that. Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how and hav a whole lot ov haft wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered. Precept, iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing. Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight. Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, find putting a slow match tew them. "Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu." Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet. If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity. Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools ; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise. Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable. He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun. It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven what a waste of time and muscle ! Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they " kant serve God and mamon too," and so they serve mamon. Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery. NEST EGGS. 277 A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny eido ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter. Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, tricing teu liv upon buty. The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure prin- ciple back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it. Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand. A good book iz like a good law. Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker. "Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared. A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals. We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying. Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty. The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide. Credit iz like chastity ; they both ov them kan stand temp- tashun better than they kan suspicion NEST EGGS. IT iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too. 278 AFFUKISMS. Good naturiz the daily bread ov life. The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi th amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it. Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools. What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man. It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz na- bors. Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum. Thare iz this dif- ference between a cunning man and a wize one the cun- ning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru atele- ekope. Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte. Yer will find i* az kormnon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes. Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing. One grate reazon whi every bodcly likes the falls ov Ni- agara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it. Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak. Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov. Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same tune so agreeable az deference. NEST EGGS. NEST EGGS. 279 Bare necessitys will support, life no doubt, so will the worki support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle. Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv by it, but yu kant liv on it hash will tell. Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound. The history ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the viktory iz to " never say die." The way tew Fame iz like klirnbing a greast pole ; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don't pay. It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we think for what we know j this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose. Ambishun iz like a tred wheel ; it knows no limits ; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin. We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others. Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil. It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag. Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it. Children are like vines ; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate. Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tho cheapest ; it kosts nothing, if you only think so. Idleness, like industry, iz ketching. The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun. Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short ftz pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards. A nickname will outlast all a man's deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent. Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov ; it iz both cheap and durable. 280 AFFURISMS. Consilience iz onr private sekretary. The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber. Fashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master. The gay are alwns looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back ; it iz a grate pitty they don't change works with each other. A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill. Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters ; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out. A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns. Jt dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves. The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy. riezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything. The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezztire a bizzness ; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long. Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance. Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain't mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor. Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse. CHICKEN FEED. iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant -L console, and she iz a setting hen. Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health. Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazef CHICKEN FEED. 281 the whole congregitshun, lie probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse. Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one. Truth iz the edict ov God. The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov oldgmnnys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at. About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears. Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed. I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i -aint so clear about mi own. A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others. Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it. Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe train- ing duz on the pugilist it reduces him tew his fighting waight. Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing. Affliktions are like the summers sun they wilt for the pur- puss ov ripening. If yu want to find out a man's real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel. The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dis- honest he iz. Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that ho never haz committed. Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants iu that time^ he must be knumb. 282 AFFURISMS. It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie thai requires grate argumentatiff ability. Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one. What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum. He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule for they will kick at a thing they doiit expekt tew reach. All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man. Money iz like grain it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown. A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat. Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull. How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts 1 Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house. Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates. Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and hafF. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin. Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it. Beauty iz the melody ov the features. I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant. Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding. It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun. I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. Ht HARD TACK. 283 committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with. One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizaslmn iz tew see amung the masses a beknming respekt and reverence for the aged. Before yu undertaik tew change a man's politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offar him. Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare IT. but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth. No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philos- ophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor tiling tew liv on. Tew be forgiven, weakens us ; but tew forgiv others, weak ens them. I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefullv the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time. Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other. HARD TACK. I DONT like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one. Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.) It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at oust, and bekum so suddenly vir- tewous that they freeze up stiff. It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ. 284 AFFURISMS. Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs th affairs and the man both into the ground. Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys. Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it. Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold klubs and spades for man. I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for ; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards. The man who kan stand abuse kan gen- erally stand prosper- ity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other. If i could only praktiss az'well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew , HARD TACK. [ warrent me in this^world , nor in the world tew cum. The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.' Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party. About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins. HARD TACK. 28.") Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle. I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice. I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it ; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exkla- mashun, " My God ! my God ! why hast thou forsaken me ? " I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking. Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jeal- ousys even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun. Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare al- wus will be. I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a naff off. Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances. Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money. Tew work iz the grate law ov natur if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two. Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan't starched stiff enuff. Thare iz a grate deal ov bad Ink lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew enny- boddy in pertikular. 286 AFFURISMS. Things haz got so now. if a man stops,he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun. If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys. We speak ov ''foiling in love" without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love we all stumble into it, and kan seldmn tell how or why. One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what lie ought tew say, iz tew say nothing. It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared. Sychophants arealwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum. In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness. The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun. SOLLUM THOUGHTS. THE fear ov God iz the philosphy ov religion ; the love ov God iz the charity of religion. Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out. Better leave yure child virtew than money ; but this iz a seliret known only tew a few. I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so. About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average. Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards. A nickname will outline enny man or thing ; it iz liko the crook in a dogg's taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph. SOLU M THOU OUTS. 287 Jf yu analize what most men kail plezzure, yu will lind it compozed ov one part hmnbugg, and two parts pain. When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once ; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy. We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them I hav tried both ways, and recom- mend a successful dodge. The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it. The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them. Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men ; the few men who kan lift a ton, at pleasure, hav a divine right te\v take holt ov it tew a disadvantage. The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be use- ful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy. Whare religion iz a trade, morality is a merchandize. Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it. The less a man knows, the more he will guess at ; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion. Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers. Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov "farewell benefit," " positively our last appearance." Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows. Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt. Jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskovei what \ve don't want tew find, nor don't expekt to. Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships. I don't think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one I don't think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds. A vivid imaganaslmn iz like sum glasses, makes things at a 288 AFFURISMS. distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az thy am. Hope iz a. draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but gener- ally extended. If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven. Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed. After all, there don't seem tew be but this diifrence be- tween the wize men and the phools ; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers. Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog. Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware ; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking. Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don't, one good liar will pizen a whole country. Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don't ketch them. Menny people spend their time tricing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in. Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality ; this iz one way that good hoss thief s are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuif, the fust dark night, the hoss does. If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven's sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest. INK LINGS. iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov J- her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them. INK LINGS. 289 Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don't kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me. Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds \ '.hat chance. Mi private opin- yun about " abscence ov mind " is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes. The flattery that men offer tew them- selfs iz the most dangerous, bekanse the least suspekted. Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.' It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity. Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends it makes us be- leave we are better and happier than our nabors. Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov ad- vice will suit him the best. Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for. The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men. IKK LIVOS. 19* 200 AFFUKISMS. The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them. We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree both ov them are (rod's arkitek- ture. How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess. Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molas- sis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare. Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground. Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies. The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrasti- nation, and he is still at large. Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man's morality, and virtew White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages. The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet peo- ple waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle. The devil himself, with all liiz genius, all ways travels under an alias this shows the power of truth and morality. If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him not so with a man. One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best. If you don't kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how. Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step in f o INK LINGS. 291 every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketch ed in it. A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out. I hav larn't one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do. The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself. I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around. A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone. I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice. Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs. I don't kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don't deserve. Repentanse should be the effekt ov love not fear. The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz. Things that we kant do wouldn't be ov enny use to us, if we could do them. Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain't so amungst men. A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either. The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same story s over again. In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav. A dandy never yet fell in love only with himself. Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open. Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most gener- ally do. A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long. We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg. 292 AFFURISMS. EMBERS ON THE HARTH. moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world X and vet remains az chaste az ever. Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth. I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it. We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look ; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz ves- sell. The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps. I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn. "What an unreal life most folks lead ; they don't ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence. How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills. Mother ! The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself. It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin. Mankind ain't apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don't know, or kant see, that we hanker for. When i see' people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry for the clothes. I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az " Spiritual manafestashuns " az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery. Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adver- sity makes us trust in each other the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sum thing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain. I konsider it a grate kompliinent tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it ; one iz hipokrasy, and the o'her iz superstishun. EMBERS ON THE HARTH. 293 It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man " Kumcl," who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal. We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong. Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other. Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts ua tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one. I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word no the hardest one in any language tew say. Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik. A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun 01 edukashun. Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don't let them git a smell ov yure poverty poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers. Laming iz the only good substitute for experience. I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don't belong tew enny boddy in partiklar ; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov. Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge. Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the out- side ov it, liable tew wash oph. Abstinence should be the exception, and temperance the rule. If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself. One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so. A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post. 29-t AFFURISMS. Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz jarnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book. Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last. Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes. Deference iz silent flattery. The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold. The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is. " Happy as a king" iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to. If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize. Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires goodhosa sense tew know how tew apply it. Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs. Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be lafted at. Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy. About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young. There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller'a sister. HOT KORK iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Gin, but kussid -L little judgment. A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun. What iz the chief end ov man ? To foot hiz wife's bills and foot the man who insults her. A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old m"^ is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating. HOT HORN. 295 A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don't kare how well he kan do it, ain't a permanent suckcess. After all i don't kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool. A literary repu- tashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost for- ever. Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully. If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it in- sured, for they are dredful risky. Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu HOT KORN - want tew git a good general idee ov a man's karakter find out from him whathiz opinion ov his nabor iz. It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don't possess. Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain't seen one yet. Solomon remarked " that thare want ennything nu under the sun," and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it. I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand. Daudy-6 and blujays are alike, both worthless without theii feathers. 296 AFFUUISMS. Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par. Watching one's helth all the time iz like watching the weather a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all. We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it. Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, with- out knowing it. A flatterer iz a common enemy. If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship. He that won't listen, kan't learn ; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song. Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about. Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes. Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter es- peshily in a monkey. Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous. When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git. The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur. Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust. The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in the ideas. I don't beleave thare iz enny thing in this world that will add to a man's wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt eimff for it. All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most BO, have the least sense. To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being im- posed upon, shows great strength ov character. HOT KORN. 297 Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliber- ately defame yu. It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv. 1 beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle. Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon. Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never really happen tew them. Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz. I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling. The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better. Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui. In bible times, when Balem's ass spoke,, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers. Thare iz quite a difference between a /t/minous and a wlu- rainous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two. Thoze who hav never snkceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it. I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book. If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs. It iz kind ov phunriy that while modesty iz the gratest ev- idence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest guranteeov suck cess. Admire beauty, but don't worship it. Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when ii98 AKKUMSMS. they are katight they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylli- est looking fox yu ever see. Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin 1 kno ov. Welaff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing. It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter. Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don't simper aiming arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them. o FOUNDLINGS. HE that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it. It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it. Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it. The minds ov the young are eazily trained ; it iz hard w r ork to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole. I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men. Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy. It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins. Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole. A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others. The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our FOUNDLINGS. virtews, just az a fitch setting adds to the brilliancy or a jewel. Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure. Ifyu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yn evry thing that yu giv him. Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience. Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to be bit by a dog. Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot. Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got. We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them. Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be full ov pitty. I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning o az the heavens are ov w r ind ; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks. If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else. " Blessed are the meek and lowly " (and very lucky, too, if they don't git their noze pulled.) If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one. One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor. If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other. I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters : " Lead us not into temtashun." I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz it iz jist so w r ith bad-luck. Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to eail her. 300 AFFURISMS. The true definition ov a luxury iz snmthing that anothe! teller haint got the stamps to buy. Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand bu; never heaves her. Pissmires on the level, are only insignifieent, but when the} git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are perma nantly ridiklous. I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more thar I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home. Yn kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enn\ more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the sticl out ov hiz collar and waistbands. DEIED FKITIT. WIIEX a rooster crows, he crows all over. A poor, l)ut dishonest cuss iz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too. Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway. The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy. Thare'iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it. It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rat- tle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit hi a rattle snaik. Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don't pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it. I think now, if 5 had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then " let her rip." Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hat mutch left tew do bizzness with. DRIED FRUIT. 301 WTien we say, " such a man haz bowels ov mercy," do wo mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater? Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess. Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success ; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun. Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error ; igno- rance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted ; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post. Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return. There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience ; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains. The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least ; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two. KEMNANTS. CUSTOMS are like grease they make enny thing slip eazy. Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted a blush iz one ov them. Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz. If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musivt mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither. Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz igno- rance. The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it. The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants. Natur makes all the noblemen wealth, edukashun, not pedigree, never made one yet. 302 AJTUIUSMS. When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it if i dont, I ought to. If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong. Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno. I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a perfekly bad man. I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other REMNANTS. f lkS > wll afe g d simply for the repu- tashun ov it, who haven't got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz. I hav st'uddyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister. Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes aiming the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way. One grate reaxon wlii "Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew trav- el," iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself. Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist be- kauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare. HEM ARKS. 303 Every 111341 makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience. To be a gentleman, git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy. Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals. After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth. Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost Kiimthing he kant lift. I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching. Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse. Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub. Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive t^iem iz less. The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know "whats going on /" and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job. Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury. Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience. Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon. REMARKS. WHEN a man hain't got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep still, thare iz but few people who IHIV missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniy tins. 304 AFFURISMS. Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out ov the other. Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others. Pride iz az universal az hair on the lied sum are proud ov their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on other people's. Love looks through a telescope ; envy, through a microscope. An industrious man iz seldom a bad man. Men will believe their paslnms quicker than they will their consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus right. It ain't mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else's lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain't so stylish. Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors, pipe to her, and she may dance to you. Take all the interest out ov this world, and there wouldn't ^friendship enuff left for seed. Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them. I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade. The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness. If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a suit ov clothes, ' ov suitable texture and a per- fectfit: Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur. The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz faults. The man who hain't got an enemy, iz really poor. Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz just az mutch diflf- rence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug. No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substitu- ting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it. Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, ai;d each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am. REMARKS. 305 Lovers feed upon mysteries, hut after they are married, and the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys ov their appetights. An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next. I don't kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified. Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the strength ov a little one. Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky. I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on. I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude. Misanthropy don't pay thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for. Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with a phool. The man who haz never enjoyed theplezzure ov being for- given, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life. I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a ewe lamb, frisking on the green. When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ciiny thing, I write him down " misterious phool." The grate cry ov the -world now daze iz. " "Whats trumps." Love iz a weakness, but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures. A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy. Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites. We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise in the old -(pleaze make a note ov this o/d phellows). Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it. I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth inort remorseless, than 7 per cent interest, 2^ AFFURISMS. Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring mis- fortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sul- lenness. "When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles. SAWS. THAR iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel de- pends upon it. The only claim eniiy man kan have upon the world, after he haz left it, iz for good examples. Thare iz just az mutch difference be- tween precept and example, az thare iz between a horn that blows a noize, and one that blows a tune. Thare seems tew be a propriety in all things; late experi- ments in New York city, have proved, that religion in a rat pit iz a failure. Grate examples are no excuse for iniqui- SAWS< ty. Our Saviour thought so when he sed : " Git thee behind me, Satan." Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification ia the natral way tew git rid ov it. SAWS. 307 The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better than than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes. Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her suitors. Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvg it, the more natral virtews he possesses the most vicious aiming the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded. Beware ov false friends, jure dog wont desert yu when yure munny iz gone. One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauzo we so often mistake a companyun for a friend. To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences. Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav euny pitty to spare, if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year. The thinking men outliv the labouring men. The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stu- pidity. - Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a phool. Politeness subsists upon politeness. 1 like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it. Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men look back. It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and the hardest thing tew own it. I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare afleckshun eums tew the surface. Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain't struk bottom yet. If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun or human natur, he mustn't know too mutch ov it. A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, b'lt one without the right kind ov se::s(>, 308 AFFU1USJMS. When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldura fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime. Excellence in enny direction iz rare even good clowns are skarse. Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to silly ness. It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a step that a man iz liable at enny time tew take. Old age haz its priviliges one iz tew find fault with every- thing. Weak and wicked are the 4wo worst things that ennyboddy can be charged with. He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be cheated by everyboddy. Whenever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a " beat" and charge it tew mi account. A wise man iz never less alone than when alone. A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz genius. Tallent must hav memory, genius don't require it. I don't beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against temptashun. "When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps the half bushel. A bile ain't a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it iz on sum other phellow. Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained in the following bracket [grin and bear if] I don't kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has. If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one " Doubt- ful" and the other 3 " Useless." Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the less yu git rid ov them. Yirtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov vir- tew konsists in repentance. KKMAKKS. 3lM. Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves ov all. A jest may be krnel, but a joke never iz. I never bet : not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i am afrade i shall win. A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy. I don't think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it. The reason whi all tho works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas. The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes. The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man ; I had rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man. Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov Christian fortitude, struggling with a mustach. REMAKES. MARRYING- a woman for her mimny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger. it is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool. I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff. I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men. 310 AFFUKISMS. I beleave in suggar coated pills. I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good na- tured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell. The pure don't grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus. Kize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages. Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it. I think i had rather hav a noze Y inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county ; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i prob- ably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool. Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleas- ure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long. Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze. That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their an- sesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what's the matter ov them. "We are told " that an honest man is the noblest work ov God " but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edislnm must still be in the author's hands. I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare I hav notised that this kind never git thare. NOSEGAYS. 31 1 Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump ; he kant remember when he wuz a tadpole but other folks kan. I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase. Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness ; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness ; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high. God save the phools ! and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn't get a liviu. Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man. The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint n't for enny thing else. NOSEGAYS. THE man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which. If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom. As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards. I had mutch rather alwuss look forward tew the time, when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak once tew the time when i used to do it. A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced 312 AFFURISMS. every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all opli from cerimony. When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ven- tilashun, i say to miself, "that krit- ter was brought up in a windmill." \> . > HB.$'l^ The ma J rit y v the world are like rats, .they live upon plunder and forsake a sinking ship, Punktuality is one grate element or sukcess. A watch that dont keep korrekt time i.; wuss than no watcli at all. Grate powers are useful only az they NOSEGAYS. are made service^ able the value ov a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke. Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness man. A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun in it, but the one that falls kant alwus see it. The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to it allmost az sure reading and reflekshun. He who reads and don't reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don't exercise. The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on themselfs. He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred. The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother's eye the plainer he will diskover if he iz a man ov sense the beam in his own. NOSEGAYS. 313 People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a pruning-hook. Keligion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the prevailing fashun. It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and it pays better. Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard. The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won't defend enriything. Wlii iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach. Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil. Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that are undeserved. Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov. The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms. A wicked man iz no kompany for himself s. All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most. It iz ea/y enuff tew get at enny man's wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch. We pitty others bekauz we are better opli ourselves ; the Unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate. Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but themselfs. Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds. A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will hiz strong ones. AFFUKISMS. If men were ^abboru just in proporslum az they waz right; stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn just in proporshun az they are igno rant and wrong. Genius after all ain't ennything more than elegant kom- mon sense. Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz kom- posed entirely ov dignity, and nothing else. We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly. A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, and too little to be wise. Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will go we don't enny ov us seem tew kno. Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are like hornets, they mean sting. When a man ov laming talks he makes us \vonder, but a wize man makes us think. It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for solitude. A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks. Style in writing iz like style in dress a good fit. How menny suspishus people one meets in. this world. 1 f their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat. Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for their viktinis, and clout even bait the traps. What should we do if it want for the churches ? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees' nests. People worth noticing should never forgit that everything NOSEGAYS. 315 they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad ones never. I phully apreshiate the proverb, " that speech iz silver, but silence iz golden," but i must say that sum ov the most dis- kreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt. What iz happier tew meet than a good temper ? It iz like the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite. Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss. Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gen- tleman. Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life-preserver only put on at the moment ov extreme dan- ger, and put on then, haft' the time, hind side before. With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world we are all ov us slaves to sumthing. I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude ; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and ask- ing them tew kum bak. Pedigree may be A r aluabel for a man, but i notiss it ain't wuth mutch for a boss : for the fust question that iz asked, iz : " What can he go out and show ? " I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully. Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtew*>us life kasts. Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense two ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced. Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew 31 G AFFURISMS. liv in ; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make him af rade. It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz tew tell the truth. Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze ; i hav saw men so vain that they kouldn't look with kompozure upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun. Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz. The man w r ho thinks " he kant do it," iz alwuss more than haff right. One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the truth, but it should be done, if death ensues. SHOOTING STARS. MOST people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing else. Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up. " Misery luvs kompany," but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit. A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever. Men w r ho kno the least, alwus argy the most. A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind ov poultry. To be a big man aiming big men, iz what proves a man's karakter to be a bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to mutch. What a blessed thing it iz that we kant " see ourselfs az others see us r " the sight would take all the starch out ov us. Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine SHOOTING STARS. S17 out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny truhble at all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small end ov. I never question a suckeess, enny more than i do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway. To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin. Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an nrogant brat. ' Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu aint more cunning than all men. Excentricitys are most alwus artyfish- all, and the best that kan be sed ov them iz, they are quite az often the result ov diffidence az ov vanity. If i want tew git at the trew karakter ov a man, i studdy Jiiz vices more than i do hiz virtews. Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in tins life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface. It don't do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he \7. like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels. Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an oc- kashional moment ov sadness. The man whose only plezznre in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm. SHOOTING STARS. 318 AFFURISMS. Manner iz far more attraktive than matter monkeys are watched clusser tlian eagles are. Jelous people alwus luv themselfs more than they do thoze whom they are jelons ov. Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes men dig for wood- chucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks. The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz even seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous heathen. Men don't fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az they do from lack ov grip. Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enry blunders, and they are yu and me, mi friend. Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs. Yung man, yu kant learn enny thing bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others. Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the pro- prietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain't nothing. Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan bio np Kke a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze. I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning mac burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy. Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew see them in their hours ov relaxashun. I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way : A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig's tale, but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale. I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all about this. Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear at Booth's Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr. John Smith. I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world. SHOOTING STARS. 319 Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they hain't got az the only things worth having. Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity ; if they aint stiff and sollum they aint nothing. A f u branes in a man's hed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder. One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness. I hate grate talkers ; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me. Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately. Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too a?V ish. 1 hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn when ever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it. I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness. He who really deserves friends alwus finds them. Thare is " menny a slip between a cup and lip," but not ban* az menny az thare ought tew be. The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest" Yes " and " No." One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz " Old Probabilitiz ;" he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex. Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men. Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10. In whipping a yung one, yu don't never ought tew stop untill yu git klean thru. I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kon- dukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers m?. Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think. THE INTERVIEWER. IPITTY the poor Interviewer, he iz not al \vus a bad phelloM at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him. I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a liv- ing, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse. The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo. He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yn shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake. He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug. He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck pliull ov little things. Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out. They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog. Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned quid nunk and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both. Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they 320 THE INTERVIEWEE 32J will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow. The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so. They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will. Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz call- ing, he dont require enny more tender- ness than an under- taker duz. Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brake- ing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu,and if he don't bight, he sings, which is the wusst- est ov the two. I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather. Don't never tell any sekrets tew an Iiitcrvivwer; he will open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell. I treat all interviewers politely ; when they begin tew bait 21J THE INTERVIEWER. 322 MOXOGRAFFS. me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell. I am an awful poor whissler enny liow. I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at inter- viewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else. Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence ; they are simply disgusting. Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of inter- viewing a last years birds' nest, or a kuntry gide-board. Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts foi the game like a fox hound on the trak ; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz col- lum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy. THE MUSK EAT. THE musk r:it iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodclmk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other. lie iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water. He feeds upon roots, herbs, and &oft klams, and smells like the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade. He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar. Iliz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that. Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunuing, and uint diffikult tew suit. "When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, THE MINK. ;_523 and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned witli their skins. I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on tlie ice, cluss beside their Jioles, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that wax the last ov them. The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz. I dont dispize musk rat oh, no !- but i dont worship him. He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Trie kanal, and letting the water brake out. lie will hav tew answer for this sumtime. [ luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the in- Hex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the exis- tance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz. I kan see az mutch fust kla: s natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, a:: i kan see in an elephant. I luv tew go phooling around aiming the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day ; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won't work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don't understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it. THE MINK. THE mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him ; they both smell alike, lie iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov. 324 MOKOGKAFFS His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashnn and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one do?L*.i bills are. He haz no very strong peknliarity ov karakter except hir. perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat. The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl's stoc-king. They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole. I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz. Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn't beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn't kno what the truth waz. I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow. I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle. THE DISTKIKT SKOOLMASTER. THARE iz one man in this basement world that i alwni look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt. Pitty and respekt, az a genral mixtur, don't mix well. You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush. When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing. Pitty, without respekt, hain't got much more oatsiu it than tlisgust haz. I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the lied than teM r pitty me THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTEE. 325 But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster. "When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just return- ing from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked. He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bach- elor, and a more anxious one than an old maid. He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar. If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chancea are he will neglekt their laming ; and if he don't lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him. The distrikt skoolmaster hain't got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess ; the girls put water in hiz hair die ; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweet- ened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles. And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skool- master swareing enny thing louder than Condem it. Don't talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job. Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed. Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them. A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lie- ing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory. Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous. Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshuii for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in. 326 MONOGRAFFS. Bui, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain't got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz. He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz. He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don't mean tew pay. He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed but what ever bekums ov liiz remains, i ka;:t tell. Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man ; if he waz, he couldn't enny more keep a distrikt skool than, he could file a kross kut saw. "Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus mean- ing ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the repro- bate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain't been heard to sware win iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten ? 1 had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher's shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness. SINGULAR BEINGS. THE POMPOUS MAN. THE pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad. He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big. He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him. He iz a man ov small caliber, but a good deal ov bore. SINGULAR BEINGS. 327 fliz family looks upon him az the gratest man that tlo world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, he lekompenses himself bi home and snubbing hiz family. THE ONE IDEA MAN. The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, of ten- er than he hits, but don't kno the differ- ence, and is always reddy to argue the question- Yu kant konvinec him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet. * One idea men are their own wust ene- mys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their bed, which makes them perhaps endurable. THE HAPPY MAN. The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and desk ri be it. Happiness iz like helth thoze who hav the most ov It seem tew kno it the least. Yu kant ro out in the spring ov the year and gather happi- ness along the side ov the road just the same az you would THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS RKDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION. 328 MONOGKAFFS, dandylions noboddy but a natral born phool lean do this they are alwus happy, ov course. When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheat; himself. THE HENPECKED MAN. The henpecked man iz most generally married ; but thare are instances on reckon! of single men being harrassed by the pullets. Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az hum- ble and resiglmed tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day. Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months' turn ov the fever and agy. The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git man-id agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord /) who understood ali^ the hen-peck dodges. One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex. The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household ; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ovhim, and handles him just az she would a haft-grown .chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick. THE OFFICIOUS MAN. The officious man stands around nibbing his hands, anxious for a job. He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snub- bed in one place, it don't seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another. The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on. SINGULAR BEINGS. 329 Theze kind ov men spend their who! lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any. There iz a kind ov oftL-ious man, who iz only prompted hi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew he useful tew others don't arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz uoze into things. Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting. The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew him self, and a nusance tew every boddy else. I don't know ov but phew more unfortnnit disposishun.s t an the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it sel- dom suckceedes in gittiug paid for its labors with common politeness. THE PHUNNY MAN. Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him. The phunny man iz sold urn an humorist, and never a wit. Hiz only pride iz tew make you laft'; he fceldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who ktm see enny point even in that. He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural dis- trikts, and kimtry bumbkins luff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth. The phunny man \/. the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amazing, but never remembered. Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that. It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes ; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life. THE CHEEKY MAN. Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters. All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, 330 MONOGRAFFS. fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life. Bold assurance, while it may often disgust \\s, will win 9 times out ov 10. We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man. Enny man will li v four times az long ou abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty. Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them. The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butif ul thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world, our turn never seems tew come round. The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others ; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm. Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule. THE LIVE MAN. The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly. He iz the pepper-sass ov creation the all-spice ov the world. One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch in adistrikt skool he sets evry boddy scratching at onst. A man who kan draw r New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home !" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enufF for this climate. The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conductor ov a street kar he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows. Pie lights np like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons. SINGULAR BEINGS. 331 He is like A decoy duck, alwus above water, And lives af least 18 months each year. He is like a runaway hoss ; he gits the whole ov the road. He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauxe every boddy else dnz. The live man is not always a deep thinker ; he jumps at conclusion?, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at. He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners ; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the great- ness of this country than any other man in it. He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree. He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss. THE FAULT-FINDER. Good Lord, deliver us from the Fait finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Tlieze kind ov human crit- ters are alwuss full ov self consait ; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wild try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shu maker insted ov his big feet ; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table ; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under pro- tess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint. never begun tew live. I never maik their ackqnaintanse enny more than i dew surn- boddy's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder ! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and 332 MOKOGHAFFS. if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them sells. I had rather be a target for awl the bad Ink in this wurk) than tew go thru life slmteing a pizen arrow at awl the good Ink. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that f alt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater ; a fust rate wa tew git out ov eonsait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels. Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy khe singularest are the JOSH AND THE BOEDER INJUN. YU inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety " for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles." Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it. It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahed ov the preven shun ov krueltv tew humans. JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN. 333 It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans. I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall. In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, " if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.'' Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good. The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss. He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the mnchest. In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur. Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself. I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up. I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yn, at fust cost. Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the bor- der injun. Thare ain't a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun. The minnit an injun bekums what yu kail civilized, that minnit he iz spilte. A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than ;i tame deer. If thare could be found an ilaml, in the depths of the sea, vvhare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man. 334 MONOGRAFFS. would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other. I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns. Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun. If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story. Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew knothe injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him. Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it. As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust boss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains. If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class mission ary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life. The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with laming the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them. Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter. Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety. When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder. When i vraz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the boun:"in;r deer, and JOSH AND THE BOKDEIi ISJUX. 335 lay mi venson at the icet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found mi self on the trail, and had ail the iujun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back. I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but 5 will say tew them, stay at home, and en- joy yure sentiments. Dont go am ting the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civil- ize him at a distance. I hav never had but one plan tew civ- ilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant. Mi plan iz simpli th U6> l e t the government otter 10 dollars for every injun civ- ilized, and let the proof ov civilizasliun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it. Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number o:tu horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan. This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin. 1 dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan o\ civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human brings and make sum more. &36 MONOGRAFFS. This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more. Try sum other breed ov human kritter. Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good 'ways tew co it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking. Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kal- kulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vine- yard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull's eye every time. I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust boss, and let thoze missionary s, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wig- wams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns. They will do it so that it will stay did. I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew thispartiknlar situashnn, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind. THE CUNNING MAN. /RUNNING iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere \J skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, itiz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon. Cunning ain't good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole. The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse. THE CUNNING MAN. 337 Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an m^killfui trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain't got the wis- dum tew bait it. Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it ix, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a Scss awkwardly. Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man's wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, lie kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the cor- ner ov his eyes, while the wize man carry s hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don't use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up. Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others. They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petro- leum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden. It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time r i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much. Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma. It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cun- ning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in's and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are "for effekt. Cunning men's advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz aiso composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet. If you don't understand wiggling yourself, or the rudi- ments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man. Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will 338 MONOGRAFFS. on to do so, az long az pi tools last, and phools will last az lon az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun. Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over. But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off', or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole. Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed. Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sud- den, and less sempelous. It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man. than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and con- trol, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and \vags himself in front ov evry mar< he meets. Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder. The Deceitful Cuss. An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizing in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking Deceit, who, unde? the guize and garments ov being in love with yon, chaws tob- baker out ov jure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth. Thezc human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the faco ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an im- promptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise tha:i to doit honestly. THE CUNNING MAN. 33>* These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep's skin. It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdura only for the sake ov being cunning, that lie will perfect him- self in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all. I hav know men ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake. But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a fnad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative. It don't cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning. Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up into a viper. Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven. The Domestik Man iz ov a maskuline and feminine ten- dency half and half and sumtimes more so. lie kan most generallv be found at home when he air,: wanted. 340 MUNOGRAFFS. He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under liafl pa} T , with promiss of pronioslnin. He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or missing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice consta- bel. He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything when hiz wife iz. He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants luff at him, and the chil- dren dont fear him. He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az dangerous. Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty ; and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into dis- gust. The Generous Man. Generosity iz an instinkt a kind ov natral crook a weird child ov the heart. It iz diffrent from profusion ; profusion iz most alwus tho decoy duck ov vanity. Generosity iz diffrent from charity ; charity iz the impulse ov reason. It iz diffrent from justiss justiss iz 1(3 ounces tew the pound, and no more. Generosity iz sumthiug more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion ; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it. If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong. Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth : no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar. Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did. The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz. He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up. Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than i/ haz over love. FKKQriCNT K HITTERS. 341 This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I jini writ- ing about. FREQUENT KKITTERS. THE LOAFER. loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dia J- pized just for the privilege ov abuzing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the 1 tench Ideal i doim to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and h'tes flys in August. He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re- echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfi- dence iz konsidered an honor. He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit. He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enn y boddy kan hurt. During hiz boy- hood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and FHEQUEXT KRITTERS. robs all the hens' nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood During hiz middle li:'e lie begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else's ex pense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and sun. men* in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he ia MONOGRAFFS. buried in a dich, like an omnibus Loss, with hiz old shoes on This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coining onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishim iz to be successful loafers. The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging. THE PKOJEKTOK. The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan't alwus tell what kind ov a breed the tiling iz. He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years tricing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it. He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz. The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain't no one kan beat them at standing on one legg. I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer m their own estimashun than Croasus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus. They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it. I hav known several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew them .tew pitty them, for they are az tender, ali over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby. I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partik- ular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, foi FHKQl'KNT K HITTERS 243 *hare aint on the whole artlt, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches ew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calf s liver. But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope foi iz, that too menny ov them wont spend i whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished. THE KONDEM PHOOL. Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz the natral, and tho other iz the kondem. Thare iz s;im other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tntch liglitly before I git thru. The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds. He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heav- enly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank thissell. The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit ov the job. Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the oc- kashun. He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze. they keep up sich a buzzing they bexvilder him. The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suekcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common 'sense. Common sense iz all greek tew these kin^ ov pheTlows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet a* ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lektura all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would 344 MONOGRAFFS. take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az jimpsev aa the nek ov a ded goslin. The kondem. phool iz the kauze ov most all tmbble thar iz in this world, he ain't alwns malishus, but iz alwus a phool. I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish. It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it. Thare iz a large invoice ov phools jnst now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz btiddy, the demand ahvus being phull up tew the supply. I rekolekt ov oust saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living. Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following : The " Prof eshional Phool," one who travels fora living. The " Wag Phool," one who is a phool on private ackount. The " Bizzuess Phool," one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market. The " Kadikal Phool," one who kant help it. The " Conservatiif Phool," one who kan help it, but wont. The u Meek Phool," one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast. The " Hipreshure Phool," one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun. The " Silly Phool," one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him. The "Wise Phool," one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs every boddy. And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now. THE PRECISE MAN. The " Precise Man," sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, and when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 345 and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the tiling ded even If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist .so if lie iz a bachelor it must be more so. He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror fol all odd numbers. He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov strikniiie for the hikcups az tew kut uph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quart t-:-. The precise man haz but phew brane.s, and they are az well broke az a setter dog's, for he seldmn makes a false point. He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner. He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle. He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the I Iliad ov Homer. Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe sope. The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen. He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung. INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. THE OBTUSK MAN. THE obtuse man iz sawed oft" s< juare at both ends, and iron bound like a beetle. He tindo out the hard spot in things by running MONOGRAFFS. them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts. It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a pepperidge log. He alwus sez " Yes" to what he don't understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone. He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtiines a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore. He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cuins ttw die he ia az well seasoned az a foot-ball. If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn't alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist. Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, w r ith a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide open. THE POSATIFF MAN. The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn't win. He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don't happen he knew that too. If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn't help but happen. He iz az certain ov everything az amule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks at. Yu kant tttll him ennything new, nor ennything old, he h more certain ov tilings than AVebster's unabridged dickshion- ary. The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz. He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last tew be a good hit. The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very maii- ehus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people ara pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 347 THE CROSS MAN. The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, fol Jo wed by tlies. He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of eilk, iz ahvus reddy for a snarl. He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan't tell, tew save hiz life. Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him. He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekair/e he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble. Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyer tew kure. He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so. THE FASHUNT MAN. The pashunt man never sex " dam it" however much he may think so. He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales. He kan't tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him ; it may be nothing but numbness after all. Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun. It ain't but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time. Heal paslumce stands aiming the virtews, like genius amung the gifts ; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew. The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man's pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both. THE FUNNY MAN. The funny man kan't open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz p lied out- 34:8 MONOGRAFFS. Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, liiz onU desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don't stoop so low. The funny man's jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes ha reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor. It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness. Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave t'lis world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion. THE HONEST MAN. Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser. Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable. If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the de- mand. Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it. Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount. You couldn't put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when lie waz wanted, he couldn't be found. Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn't hunt for hen's eggs on Sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs. PECULIAK ONES. T THE SQUARE MAN. HE square man meazzures the same each way, and hairl got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him. He is free from knots and sap, and won't warp. PECULIAR ONES. He iz klear stuff, and I don't kare what yu work him uj into, he won't swell, and he won't shrink. He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are aiming carpenters, he won't season -krack. It d o n't make enny difference which side ov him yn cum up to, he iz the same biggness each way, and the only way tew git at him, enny how, is tew face him. He knows he iz square, and never spends enny time trieing tew prove it. The square man iz one ov the best- shaped men the world haz ever pro- duced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter tew fit a spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him. PECULIAR ONES. THE OBLONG MAN. The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every time yu want tew use him. The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way to-morrow. He ain't alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that he iz sorry that he waz bilt so. Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and wilj fit most enny kind ov a spot with a very little altering. 350 MONOGRAFFS. THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN. The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, and iz az uprite az a lamp-post. He iz a dredf ul good kind ov a man tew hav laying around loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, and that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good. I don't like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk aginst. I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by hiinsel-f. THE LIMBER MAN. The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch with- out breaking. He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sum times tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that he kant be mended agin. Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find them pizon slippery. Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next. When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare. Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav. THE JOLLY MAN. Jolly men are most alwus good men. It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good natur. I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows win were az treacherous m their joy az a kat iz.. PECULIAR ONES. 351 Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat puns the most, she h'dz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry. I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity. When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happj and kareless tew be vicious. I hav seen people who could lafflong and loud, but thare was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the wail of an infant. 'Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if wo watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether the latf that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good nutur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups. THE PEWTER MAN. The pewter man akes hiz name from the old-fashioned pewter spoon, made o..t ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus haif dollar. Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don't amount tew mutch. They ain't exactly phools ; if they was, we could deskribe ^them better. They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whet- stuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the assortment. They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green- apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to. THE KITEING MAN. The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung. He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and an ugly pug noze. MOXOGKAFFS. Iliz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul anothel human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it. All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt. Hiz grate ambislum in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar. He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz adversary. THE PRECISE MAN. The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard. He iz more partiklar about being just so, then he iz about being right. Hiz blunders,. if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and kant be kured. He iz most alwus what we kail a virtewous man at heart, but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind. He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass. He knows the year, the month, the day ov the \veek, and sumtimes the very hour that enny important event took place. He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the nabor- hood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grand- father tell what sort ov a kloud it wa.z that the lightning cum out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape ov a cpcked hat. The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and trifling incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else. He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a last year's Farmers' Allminax. He is az set in hiz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch out a glass egg. COQUETT ASD PKUDE. 'J53 COQUETT AND PRUDE. MENNY essays hav bin writ on the natur ov woman, set- ting forth her aspirashuns, her genius, lier impulses, the delikate mechanicks ov her pashuns, the aroma ov her heart, the soft leading strings ov her dispisishun, the cast iron forti- tude ov her resolves, and the lurid glare ov her love and her hate. I hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi long cultivated opinyun, that woman and her character in the lump, iz like the ranebo in the East, butiful beyond language, full ov promis and impossible tew paint. In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call woman the lesser light, the moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along the buzzum ov the skey on an errand ov love, light for the hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher while the world sleeps, queen ov the night, jeweled with stars. I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which can't reach perfection without a pole to climb, and then often mount- ing far )!>ove the pole. Man i call the sun, filling the earth with phrenzy, woman the moon, that chastens the twilight, and steals tli rough the lattice to play on the hearth-stone. Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be the blotting out ov the sun, or the moon. Each one haz their appointment, which should not be changed. When the moon gits between the earth and the sun, then we alwus have an eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, the arktekt ov men, monkeys and things, haz given me and mi wife two paths to travel!, side by side, and both ending at the same goal. Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competi- tion, that what one iz both may be, i shall belca' e this when the roze bush bears butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be sti-angs if we shouldn't find a variety, sum even that are urlovely. 23J 354 MONOGRAFFS. for perfeckshun don't inhabit this world, not even in the dis guize ov a woman. Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, that is devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary COQUETT AND PRUDE. vegatables, one is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, and the other at the northern, or frigid end. The southern crop is coquetry, and tb northern one is prudery, SumtiJies these patches are cultivated more assidiously, to the neglekt ov awl the rest, and form the staple crop of the heart. Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don't seem to care who gits hurt. It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider lor ,fs viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, thai- in keeping him COQUETT AND PRUDE. 354 A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, ii the springtime of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, fill, of thorns. Thare are sum blossoms that are fore runners of fruit, but the fragrant glory of a coquett is not of this breed. This paslnm iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good ones, and spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems of viktorys without honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting their own dirges. Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and co- quets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philoso- phers tell us, that " extremes meet." A prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, she hates a man with her love. A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn co- quets, who are too decrepid to take the field. Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the prude kan miss the dieing viktim. But prudes and coquetts never agree ; two ov a trade sel- dom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, and the old age ov both iz bitterness. Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled; and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty. Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by flatterys. But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches in her heart ; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the remorseless priming-hook of the prude. I*: seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude ia nothing more than a coquett gone to seed. I would rather be a coquett than a prude ; thare iz some 356 MONOGRAFFS. fun in it thare is viktory in it ; while prudery, at best, iz only a defeat in an inglorious cauze. Coquette sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame az a patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to their daughters ; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough. In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets ; all that they bag afterward are of the same breed az themselves ; and to the prudes I would suggest that wimmin are growing more plenty every year, and that thare are but few ov them, who insist upon it, that will pay the wear ?nd tear ov a humiliating and laborious siege. FOLKS WE ALL KNO. THE EFFEMINATE MAN. effeminate man is a weak poultiss. JL He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night. He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions. He is a tea-kup full of whipped silly bub a kitten in pan- tylets a sick monkey with a blonde mustash. He is a vine without enny tendrills a fly drowned in sweet ile a paper kite in a ded calm. He lives as the butterflise do noboddy kan tell win. He is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without enny button-hole. He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's grasshopper. He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard. FOLKS WE ALL K\O. 3^7 He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like coloue watei spilt on the ground. THE JEALOUS MAW The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting. He is alwus a-hunting for smnthing that he don't expeclct few find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz. Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see epny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable. Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness dreadful sick and kan't vomit. THE ANONYMOUS MAN. The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps. He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices. He rides on the box, once in a while, with the' driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare. He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah. He sprung from a respektable family ; his great grand- father woz a justiss ov the peace ; but he has not got vanity enuf? tew brag on it. He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz ; if enuy boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down. THE STIFF MAN. The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze. He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard. He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muz- 358 MONOGRAFFS. zell, and when he goes oph. makes a noize like a cannon, bv doir't dew enny dainniage. I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man. This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, therefore, are satisfied with hard soap. Thare ain't but fn men who git stiff on what they actu- ally know, but most anl ov them git stiff on what they ack- tually feel. Stiff" men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country. The country ain't long enuff yet. unless a man haz got sum Indian in him. Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov. Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse. THE MODEL The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting ; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes when- ever a lady enters the street kars ; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon ; reads the PurxNv PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it ; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the chil- dren. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in seazon ; attends every - boddy's phuneral ; kan always tell when the moon changes ; thinks just a;', yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own ; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it ; leads the life ov a shorn lamb ; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making ennv further trubble. THE NEAT PERSON 350 The model man's vices are not feared, nor biz virtows re- spekted. He lives in the memory of the wond just about az long az a pleasant day duz. He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel ; but he will git hiz reward hereafter when the bird* get theirs. THE NEAT PERSOX. "VTEATISESS, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I bar -Ll alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fear- ful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in be- ing a common sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pasbnn, enslaving its possessor, and making everyboddy nn eazy who kum in kontackt with it. When a person iinds it necessary to skour the nail beds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness liaz bekum the tyrant of its viktim. I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach upstairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself espeshily in mi soup. Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin. If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keepbizzy scouring all the time, and would clean 360 MOKOGllAFFS. hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than I; jnonths. They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning THE NEAT PERSON. it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother \z either bileing soap or making dip kandles. They rize before daylight, so ax to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS TWO OF THEM. 361 dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it. and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitehin gardin very regularly laid out, but not planted yet. If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness ; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika. OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS'TWO OF THEM. JOHN BASCOMB. JOHN Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon county, State ov Iowa. He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph. He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars ten buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with. He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won't take sass now from enny man living. He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion. He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez that one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work on the same vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites. He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud. He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no other licker is helthy He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth. 362 MONOGHAFFS. He h:i;: alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 17G years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim Buchanan. He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin's rite convenslmn. His gratest desire, he tells me, iz ten see Gen. Jackson, and sez that he shall go next year down ten Tennesee ten see him. He fatted a hog last year, with hiz own hands, that weighed 636 pounds after it waz drest and well dried out. He iz very cheerful, and sez he won 7 dollars on the weight ov this hog, out ov one ov the deakons ov the hard-shell church. He deklares this ten he one ov the proud- est acksidents ov hiz life, for the deakon waz known far and near az a tite kuss. He tells me that for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o'clock the next day. The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he reads the allmanax. (/ will here state that it iz " Josh Bil~ lings' Farmers' Almanax" that he reads.) I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. He pronounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell drink, whiskey unadorned, waz the only speerits that neve? 1 went bak on a man. Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et font JOHN BASCOMB. OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS TWO OF THEM. 363 slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatozc, a couple ov sassagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye eoffc, a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday's dinner. Hiz dinner waz ahvus a lite one, and lie seldum et ennv- thing but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sumkoldham, and sum injun puddin tew top oph with. Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish. I examined hiz lied and found that he had all the usual bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun. He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with variashuns. He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't done ennything at the trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz teething, which he tells me \v. hiz 7th sett. He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and scz he used ten hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ova race ov men sumwharo down on the coast ov Florida, who had stun little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining. On the subjekt ov marriage hi/ lied seems ten be ded level. He sed "that he had been married 15 times, and proposed again ten Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who waz 28 years old." I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady's hand, and he sed u it lay between him and one Theodorus Whitney, a travelling korn doctor," and added u if "Whitney didn't look out he would enlarge his head for him." Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense lito and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice: " To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard shell dcktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik ticket." I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given e ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to 364 MONOGKAFFS. mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting ten make special menshun ov what he had eed about enlarging Whitney's hed for him, for lie thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood. I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, md thought over ten miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike. The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed. ELIZIBETH MEACHEM. Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever been mi blessed Ink ten enkounter. She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only about 194 years old. Next to Lot's wife she iz the best pre- served woman the world kontains. I reached her place ov residence earlv in the morninc;, and / O ' in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain. I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace down hill ten saddle. Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she couldn't die without cutting short one ov her Btorys. I asked her ten show me her tounge I wanted to see if that member waz badly worn ; but she couldn't stop it long enuff ten sho it. This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit. She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, by out-talking them. The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her language with, waz the fashions ; but this waz a sub- jekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan't mutch. OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS TWO OF THEM. -365 As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az tea her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung i refer now teu matrimony. Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use her own words, " waz too lazy teu talk, or ten listen while she talked, and so he died." Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and, tharefore, he died. Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, " either he or she had got teu die, and the man died." Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early. In this way she went on describing her husbands, 12 in all. Az i roze ten depart i sed ten her sollemly : "ELIZABETH MEACIIKM, yu hav been mutch marrid. and mutch an inkosolate widder at what time ov lif e do yu think the marrid state ceazes ten be preferable 2" She replied : ** Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am." GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874. THAT i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum bodj else's expense. That i wont borry nor lend espeshily lend. That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it. That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs. That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov ad- vise they are anxious tew follow. That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go bare- foot tew do it. That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined fork. That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one. That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he happens tew be blue. That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath. That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 shillings a gallon. That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in disguise. That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight straight te\* the gutter. That the world owes me a living provided i earn it. 366 GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1*72, 1*7:5 & 1*74. That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew ae. That i wont swop enny bosses with a deakon. That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az po- liteness kont in lies tew be az cheap az it iz now. That i wont hav enny religious kreed miself, but will respekt every boddy else's. That if lovely woman smaks me on one cheek, i will turn her the other also. That if a man kails me a phool, i wont ask him to prove it. That i will lead a moral life, even if i lose a good deal ov phun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez without tricing it. That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it fz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose. That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund. That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond time. That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldumso convenient. That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the l>ak o* a 60 day note. 368 MISCELLANEOUS. That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is made. That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn Ink tew miss it. That i won't grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness. That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn tew do it. That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarsei every day. That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan re spekt myself in doing it. That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won't envy him, but i will pity the ansestors. Thati wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal. That i won't bet on nothing, for things that require betting on,lak sumthing. That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently. That i won't be suprised at ennything, not even tew be told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch. That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov mal- ice, but out ov wisdum. That i won't hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it. That i won't wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than i am. That i won't kovet enny man's wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash. That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro phatt or not. Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns. bands ov brass music, Wimmins' rights convenshuns and grass widdera generally, MY FUST GONG. 36!) MY FUST GONG. I NEVER kan eradicate holy from mi rnemry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smok- in. The sun was a goin tn hed, and the heavens fnr and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tualbany, and i was perusin the line bote>, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president. Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was doing my best, dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, with onetremenjis jump, i struck the senter ovthe sidewalk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injinponey, at a band ov musik ; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tq 24+ 370 MISCELLANEOUS. him, lie calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong ; i saw the cus sed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would. KORK KORJS iz a serial, i am glad ov it. It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sieh like. Korn iz sumtimes called maize, and it grows in sum parts of the western country, very amaizenly. I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.) Korn haz ea 's, but never haz but one ear, which iz az defi az an adder. Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tutfest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man. Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire. When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a isiedge hammer, they are sed, bi geod judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon. They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro ten- der, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more. I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodg- er without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger. They git the name dodger from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger. It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a Korn dodger, that iz only three hours c>M. KORN. 371 Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they fuund it I don't kno, and i don't know as i care. Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whis- kee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man. We never should hav bin able tew till our state prizona with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee. We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosi ety, nor demokratik politicians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt ^Ife. (YGV'' crv ^N Be aldermen, nor whis- kee rings, nor noth- ing, if it want for blessed whiskee. If it want for korn, how could ennybod- dy git korned? And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth ? We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for gitting korned. The brutes don't git k o r n e d, they haint got enny reason nor soul. We often hear ov " drunken brutes" this is a kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them. Koni also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals. Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin. Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat. All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the puddin. Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent dow 372 MISCELLANEOUS. into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn't want him to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit. When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum. It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the other vegetables. Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade. Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob. This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as Job waz ov biles. I alwus feel sorry \vhen i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew set down in a chair. Knowing how tew T set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts. Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch, than iz usual. One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more. I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst stealing it. In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately. and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all. ADYERTIZEMENT. IKAX sell for eighteen hundred and thirty -nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pas- tor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted inedder ; streams ov spark ADVICE TEW LECTfK KOMMITTYS. 370 ling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through tins wilder- ness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grass- hopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a dainsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl ; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice ; whfle somber in the dis- tance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze here skulptors hav cut. here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex north- ward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith ; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the'estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dan sing with golden tiptoes on the green. (X. B. This angel goes with the place.) ADYICE TEW LECTUR KOHMITTYS 1 DON'T hire enny man tew lektur for yii (never mind t how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him. 2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking mem bers tew meet the lekturer at the depot. 374 MISCELLANEOUS. 3. Don't fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yi-.n way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun. 4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer imme- jiately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them. 5. When the lekturer's room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people iu yure city at the last census*, and are a talking about having an op- era house. 6. Don't leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 min- uits at once ; he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did. 7. When yu m- trojuce the lekturer tew the aujience don't fail tew make a speech ten or twelve feet long, oc- cupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better. 8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don't lan a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur i;c a fail- ure; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will kon- klude they are stool-pigeons. 9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov tho ADVICE TEW LEOTUR KOMMITTYS. 37H richest ov yure populashnn np onto the stage and let then: iqueeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer. 10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hi/ room in a hunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that vnre sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don't think so. 11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded w r ho had preceded him, don't forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town. 12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don't hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters. 13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure citty, iz that ynre people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels. 14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts aiming the aujienee, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull. 15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreciated aujiences, airtl he won't fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain't no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures. 16. Let 15 or 2<> ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don't forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people. 17. If the night iz Avet, and the inkum ov the house won't pay expenses, don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer's fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so. 18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but tfie abuv will do tew begin with. 876 MISCELLANEOUS. SUPPLEMENTARY. Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don't require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it. Rum iz a bill ov exchange on snmstaitprizonoralms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent. It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell. It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest even a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or goes into his hoel. I don't bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Feb- uary, either forced, or out ov their latitude. Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don't pleaze long. Yu kan't find contentment laid down on the map : it iz an imaginary place not settled yet ; and thoze reach it the soon- est who throw away their compass and go it blind. The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, " know thy- self? LETTER TO FARMERS. Beloved Farmers : Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce ; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass. Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots. "Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz bi?ake, then cornmense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs. Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remem- A TEMPRAN8E KLUB. .'577 ber yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless ya rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and \vorrv the geese. The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he me,., at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs. What iz a lawyer ? What iz a merchant ? What iza dok- tor? What iz a minister? I answer, nothing! A farmer iz the nobless work ov God ; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a liaff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs. Beloved farmers, adew. A TEMPRANSE KLUB. T71EELING the grate need miself, ov a khib ov sum kind, i JL hav organized a tcinpranse klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 1) inches in hite. Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the kln> iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows : Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one dollar. Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates. The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with a pickle in it. The password iz---a sweet ~breaih. The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sen- timents without the aid ov whisky. We soliumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the iu- juns. 373 MISCELLANEOUS. Thoze who are in the habit ov paying .a dollai for a drink^ not admitted, such folks are too respektabel. No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to change a bill, and see what iz going on. We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss stealing, and the like. We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussid- cess, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that he probably will. One ov the prin- sipal objekts ov this klub iz tew r find out which haz got the most spirit in it, a man, or a quart ov whisky. If a man kant keep from gitting dry without being put under bonds, he must jine sum other tempranse klub. This klub haz no pollytiks, nor no religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even the dimokratik tiket, and tend the presbeterian, or hard shell babtisst meeting house. No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a mod- erate horn ov lickquor ; (if he aktually needs it) without ^he aid ov a doktors preskripshun. Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how. No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt codfish and not feel dry. A TKMl'KANSE KLl'B. 37U Old bummers who visit us, will not 1 e a.lmitted, unless they giv the pass word, (the puss word iz named above.) All persons making aplikashun lor admishun must at least be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themselfs. We dont beleave that law ever kept a imm sober long, but we do beleave that entreaty and example ha/. This iz not a total abstinence klub. We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how. If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az soon as he gits sober. Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting sober. Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkourage merit, free. Klub-room open nite and day. A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots. Man iz our brother, and we haven't learnt yet that rum ha/c destroyed the relashunship. The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent amuzements. Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are in vited tew bring the dogg. No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club. Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us talk hoss, and see us drink root beer. We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total abstinent. This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without lieing. A temperate liar is the very wust kind. Total abstinence iz the only kure for lieing. The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and con. stitushnn, and see if we liv up tew them. Wanted, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no phun in this world only in a gin cocktail. No phools nor bigots solicited. 380 MISSELLANEOUS. PROVEKBIAL PIG. AZ the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us. Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur. His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse. He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the the reproof of hiz parent ;his ackshuns are the laws- ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfull- ness. As he takoth on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyiiees, and konnt his vallu bi pounds, JOSH BILLINGS' ADDKESS. and In in \vate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life. JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL PORDUtfK SOWING SOSIETY.'" FELLER SISTERS : When I caste mi eye on a sirklc 01 luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi biizznm. An'l when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find them- selfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings uz a frend ; he hives charitee, az a pup hankers for mi milk ; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt ; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the wa- ters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made oottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee ! When Josh Billings com mnnes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters, don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawtj stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing so- siety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advau tage, wil git her final reward. 382 MISSELLANEOUS. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in ; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly, and oftin, buy jure cottin by the pef*e; JOSH ADDRESSES THE FEMAIL " FORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY." be keerf ul how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry no\v and then, a bogus heathin. Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the " Femail Pordunk Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew fute? prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession. T bid vu tenderla anew. THE FUST BABY. 383 THE FUST BABY. THE fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life ; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, chey hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and ccc a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then lozo the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys a feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about "Willie" tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips 4 iz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plez- zure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak that life takes tew see the sun- shine and shower tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust tew shudder when sikness steals ou, and tew be chastened when death comes tiz this oh ! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven. JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH. JOSH BILLINGS being duly sworn, testifys az f oilers: Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov cnny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in arith. 38i MISCELLANEOUS. meticks bi tricing tew git a number 8 loot into a number 6 boot. Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best. Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit compakt, and go strate for the bull's eye. Affektaslum never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil than a hypokntt. I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i never met one. i hav often met thoze who could tell a grate deal more than they did kno, and waz willing tew sware to it be- sides. To be proof agin flattery, a man must hav no vanity, and such a man never ex- isted ; if he did, he iz now one ov the lost arts. Hope haz made a grate menny blun- ders, but thare iz one thing about her that i alwus did like she means well. Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and others, bekauze they hant got a good chance. Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from good to bad. In munny, interest phollows the principal ; in morals, prin- ciple often phollows tLe interest. JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH. o8a Yu will notis one thing the devil selduin offers tew go into partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital. Curiosity had twins one waz Invenshun and the other waz Stick Yure Noze Into Things. Love iz about the only paslmn ov the heart, that i kan think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take her before ? I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off', and, if it iz found, we shant be none ov the better off. I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu. " In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum familys liv all the time. Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew u bot hiz bottom dollar," yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile. The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a single virtew. Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mollassis. The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance. Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out. Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys. Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism. I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they wax born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they wouldn't kno it. never outgro o'.ir phollvs we only alter them. 386 MISSELLANEOUS. Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift- -charity cums from the heart ; a gift, from the pocket. Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked. Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty. When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in time. I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than principle. Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they never take'enny tew keep. The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enufi not to be suspekted. Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing. Hypockrasy iz alwus humble. Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need it, and, if lie aint wize, he shouldn't hav it. It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace. Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth ; thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty. Dont forget one thing, mi boy that when five men kail yu a suckcess, and one man kails yu a failure, that the one man's testimony iz what fetches the 'jury. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur ; self-prezervashim iz the seckond. Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz reli gion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle. JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. AFTER a series ov unsuckcessfnll wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. 387 Jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erio into the vitals ov Lake Ontario. I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money. For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife's arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn't see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made ; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov tilings, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidentaJ tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor. The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it ; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles bed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i tli ought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty. The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made. I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet. I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn't hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so. I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half ; but i shouldn't won der if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it. Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haa not been lazy. Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, 388 MISSELLANEOUS. that will last me for mi lifetime, and wl.en i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posterity's without the dangei ov spiling. The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls. This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below. Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over. I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted w T hip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over. We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride. My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh. When we had seen her magisty's soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted. We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them. . I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, " suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better." Thare iz one thing that Niagara don't lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz profes vional guides. Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide im< tew the strong points ov the place. One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with JOSH AT NIAGAKA FALLS. 389 pattent leather boots, which had been new at the bight of the last summer seazon, but which had bekuni sea/on cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wan ted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful. During the time this innocent youth wax in mi com pan v he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies. He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hi/ own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out '.he tree that Major Andree wa/ hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immor- tal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore- fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it. But w r hen i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan't so irreen. v He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady's head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing " A life on the ocean wave " on a base vial. After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him. He looked at me, and then at the size ov thy money, az tho he thought we possibly might be twins. I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making tho right change to a ded beat. Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got Borne miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cent*. Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whirled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on 390 MISSELLANEOUS. the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water's edge, who waz fishing fof pickled crabs. It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime te\* the ridikilus, and mennyov the residents at Niagara are famil- iar with the step. I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and adniirashun, and chastened az it were by die- God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacri- legisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a paL try piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dol- lars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal. In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it. SUM VERY BLANK VERSE THE XEGRO AND THE TROUT. Beneath the shelvy hank ov meddo brook, Expektant lays the spekeld trout. April showers, with blood from Genial skize, hav wanned the streamlet'* Veins, and dancing on its buzzum Gums sunlite and shaddo Hand in hand. Just here the verdant willow bends, To lave its tapring fingers In the kristal flood, And fragrant spearmint scents the Creeping wind. Close by, upon the alders highest limb Swaying, the blackbird sits, With mello tlmit full ov April songs, Responsiv tew the sadder not3 THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT. 391 Of Robin red breast from yonder maple, While sollum az phuneral cortege The dusky crow beats his wing Against the swimming ski. 'Tis Spring! or from the brooklet's Grassy bank the violets would not Be stareing with their eyes ov Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air Would indistinkt be heard The thousand echo's waking, Huff dreaming, from their frozen sleep. Sweet time ! the yung year innocent. Gentle Spring ! in undress, Unconscious ov her buty, spreds Her golden tresses to the wanton wind, While buds and blossoms early Welkura the lovely goddess to This throne of hers, And reddy stand, with harps soft ^trvng, With dreamy rnusik, Sweet time ! ov all the varied year, Most charming and oftnest sung. * * * * Akross the meddo, Whissling a lively catch, Just az the morning sun Looks o'er the nabring hill, Gums Afriks old and well-tanned son. Old time haz bill upon this darkey's Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twistd, And shrunk hiz parchment skin Cluss fitting tew hiz bones. A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur, Hiz lied engulphs, And well filled with holes, To let the water out that enters in; One boot he wears, oddly mated With a shoe ov anshunt daze. From thrnt to waist wide yawns Hiz coarse and starchless shirt, And over all, loose and ragged Whips the wind, what once waa Master's Sunday koat. Nearer az he cums, and ketchei With his well sped ear the Streamlet's morning son, hiz 392 MISCELLANEOUS. Whissell stops, and creeps this Olden darkey, with muffled tread, Still nearer, where swiftly runs The pearly waters, to hide Beneath the shelvy bank. The friendly willo, tho yung with leaye, Between the early sun and dansing Waters, spreads a quivi ing shade, Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands. Soon to \\\7. pole ov alder wood, (Almost the pole a/ old az Ishmels self,) He ties the horso hair line, (Himself did \vc-avi-), and feeling With hiz old fingers crisp the Barbed hooks point, sure to be That dullness waz not sleeping thare, He takes (oh ! nauty Ishniel !) From out a quaint old bottle, That hold perhaps a pint, He takes a drink, Smackin his lips, and "bressing God? la mcnny a looped and squirming 1JAXDY AND THE THIMBLE-KIUOKK '193 Knott he hangs the hook about, With fresh and tempting worms. One step nearer still one more- Then waving in the air aloft The floxile line, and light, With hand unerring, the pole Obedient drop^ the struggling Worm just in ihc current's mouth, Whare the water fust begins its race. Oh ! art exquisitt ! Oh ! bliss extatic ! - (None but the Ishmahels hav lernt This art, or this bliss felt.) Down the brook's swift thrut swims The giddy worm, a fatal journey, For darting, az a streak ov silvry light From sentinal pl.ioc, the Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw The barbed deceit. Now who kan toll, with words enuff, The thrill that follows ? I kaiit ! But stranger look ! upon the grassy Bank, dancing in deth, and see u Two pound trout, game and butiful To the last. All day, shaddo like. Old Ishmahel Steals up and down the stream, And when the sun lii/. daily rase Haz well ni run, With basket full, and bottle empty, Dark Old fchmahel, prowder Than a king, goes whissling back The wav he cum. THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE KIGGER. A FTER natur had finished the fust man aiuMhe fust woman, -jL she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two rem- nants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce. MlSSfcLLAJffcOUS. Throwing the mixture onto the dicing 'coals, in a few min nitts n halt-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her. This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Mature turned him loose into the world, to root. The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar. A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and saw- dust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them. Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other. One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water. All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them. Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon's last sensashun in perfumery ; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor's window. The genuine dandy one who knows hiz bizzness never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass ; hiz strong- est pashun iz admirashun ; he kant reach the dignity ov love. To love, requires both brains and a soul ; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip. Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird ; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together. He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor-to the last. Dandys hav no courage ; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things ; they kant insult, nor be insulted ; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized. THi: DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-UHHJKR. -95 Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that J kan think ov now, highly commendible ; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got enny thing to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag. Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor ; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence. But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little impor- tance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie. Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the hum- ming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible wo- man would marry him, enny quicker, than she would know- ingly take counterfit money in change. This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there ix so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog's head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy. Thirnblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah. It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father or, "enny other man." The young gentleman wears aflame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a calitbrny cluster on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thin* 396 MtSSELLAKfcOt/S. hies, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be in variably thar. This pellet iz liumorsly called the "little joker," and iz earlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger. This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them. If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards. Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman. It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profli gasy, that haz yet bin invented. Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy. They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the ten- derest pashions. All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road. Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer. One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars ; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried. LONG BRANCH IN SLICES. LONG Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water. LONH BRANCH IN SLICES. 391 The populashnn iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus. The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlan tik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit. The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders. Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch* JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprink- ling of innocent deviltry. 1 am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers. The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the " oldest inhabitant" may help himself if he can. The ockashun ov this psaHness has bothered the clergy foi 393 MISSELLANEOUS. years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz de- posited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and 7i umber 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun. I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think : t iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and op- pressed. Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled. Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called " recruiting" They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more Itraceing than the sea-airing. Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyuu ov airs more or less. oS^ow r;id then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-col- lars, turned down, and short nozes turned up. The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray they will kontinue on to do so. The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, 5 think he will win. The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz in- fested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent crea~ :ures, who eat 3 meals per day. The f email portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go dov/n once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn't post- poned living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style. I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and brin- their best clothe? with them. 1.0XG BRANCH LN SLICES. 398 Long Branch baz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt I attended this race-course lately, and taw binu very good rotai'v movements on it. I didn't bet, bekaze i hav ahvus been principled aginst lose- ing enny money. I ihink i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages. Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musket* >. The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, cluss bi Long Branch. He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot. The musketo iz az natral to Xu Jerseeaz Jersee liteninff iz. O The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relaslmns. If he haz enny destiny tew till, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimb- let, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philoso- pher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know tharo haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises. I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the Hag-staff to do it. Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promisku.-s tl ings. Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kart never enjoy, nntill they are deprived ov it. It will then be forever too late. I am one ov them cunning kritters, who^ when they fii J 400 MISCELLANEOUS. a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily. I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they da kn&ui how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country. BILLIARDS. EVETiYBODDY seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billvards. It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel. It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on. They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it. Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on. But yu ought tew see the gaine;itkant be delineated bi words. One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov theeonsarn 23 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink. Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps ; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox Thin iz bill yards, HABITS OF GRATE MEN. HABITS OF GRATE MEX. 401 HABITS are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots. Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorr's talc natral az life, but selduni useful, or ornamental. George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eve tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron. In this way he discovered cansir, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever since bore his name in English. George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings. He waz a grate man, and had sum habits. He died in due time. And haint bin seen since. His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Iliz widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 8(5. If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, "peace tew her ashes." If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay. 26$ HABITS OF GRATE MEN. 402 MISSELLANEOUS. Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich. He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian. He also kultivated the arnbishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity. He had a wayov leering with hiz left eye, when he preach- ed, which history sez was cussid good. Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all. Bickerstaif wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ova flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet. Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor. He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle. He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded. His exsentricitys waz theze. He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood. When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo. He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life. He made all ov hiz pills down cellar. He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys. Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work. He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats. This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widdcr, in a phunerai scraps, JOSH BILLINGS INSURES IIIS LIFE. 403 Ebenezer Smile wax probably one ov the most tallentexl excentricks that ever smiled. He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov Gin. Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost. The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz pe- culiarness waz hiz wav ov smilin^. " O He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at oust, and the same time. This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out. He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy. History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it. But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt. Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez. his father waz also one before him. This oddness haz also its immitators. Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one. I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natnr, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav im- mitated them,) than the Lord ever haz. Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how. Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile be hind him. Oh ! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. IKUM to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent 404 MISCELLANEOUS. of the " Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned: QUESTIONS. 1st Are yu mail or femail ? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so. 2d Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time ? 3d What is yure precise fiteing weight ? 4th Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much ? 5th What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments. 6th Du yu ever hav enny nite mares ? 7th Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor ? 8th Do yu beleave in a futer state ? if yu du, state it. 9th What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head ; can it be did successfully ? 10th Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu ? After answering the above questions, like a man in the con- firmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles. HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. First. Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color. Seckond. Examin hiz ears ; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are duiu. but a deff and dimi hoss, are not desirable. HOW TEW PICK Ol'T A GOOD HOSS. Third. Look well to hiz eyes ; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, houses with too large pupils in their eyes are ne<.r-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar. Fourth. Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that the spinal col- lum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spi- nal collum from fore to aft aint w o r th, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss. Five. Put yure THE HOSS. hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat TO, squeeze hiz foreleggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water. Six. Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right. Seven. Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsnl vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along tc see if he knows how tew kick. Eight. Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, wind- galls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheeli, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a 4-06 MlrtSELLANEOUS. whirl-bone ; look for sum pin-hips ; hunt for strains in till back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks. Nine. investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth tiled down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with nhot iron. Ten. Smell of hiz breath to see if lie haint got sum glan- ders ; look just back ov hiz ears forsighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny. Eleven. Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him np to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things. Twelve. Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don't be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler. Thirteen. Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter. Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a goodfamily hoss, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yureleizure) after you have bought him. Good bosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov bosses, are skarser. Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell yon, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a good family hoss ov him. young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him. " An honest man iz the noblest work, ov God" this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss. GREAT AGKIKI'L'ITKAL IIOSS TKOTT. 407 GREAT AGEIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT. AT POEDUNK. Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th. JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER. A GRIKTJLTTJR iz the mother ov provisions ; she iz alsn .LA. the grandmother. If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash. Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been dis- kovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living. Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz let- tis, and buk wheat. The Billingsville agricultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success. The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30, 000 (if mi ineinry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member OT Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools. FUST DAY. A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted l>efore for munny. Thare waz thirteen entries. Thare waz 6Q,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind. SEKOND DAY. It rained like aperpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt. 408 MISSELLANEOUS. THIRD DAY. The sun liighsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.) It \vaz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man. A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts. This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow. Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds. FOURTH DAY. This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25, Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns. This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt. He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust- rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agri- kultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low. Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss. FIFTH DAY. It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov bosses. Sevral good boss-swops waz also did. One man swopped two bosses fur one ; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft. At the end ov the fifth day i cum away. I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering. d> The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made. I think 2 rninnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the OATS. 40!) ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enriy simpathy. The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots. OATS. OATS are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one ov them. They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler. This straw iz interesting for its sukshun. Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch. I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler. This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing. I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the " splits " that win. If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the suckshun. But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, tricing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered rane water. If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin. I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it. I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, 410 MISSELLANEOUS. yu kant work what's left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet. Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind. Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don't have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed. She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule dnz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet. But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oata LJ gro on the summit ov sum straw, and are sharp at both ends. They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for them by near-sighted bosses and shumakers. I dont intend this remark az enny dero- gativeness to shumak- ers in the lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn't be a shu- maker, i would like to be a good lawyer. Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a OATS. 411 stage hoss laft', and when u stage lio.ss luft's. you may know lio is tickled somewliare. This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they ainu/;e tin; stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the lioss laffs. I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could t>e did. Thare iz a grate meimy folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they ksin see it, theze kind of folk are always the ea/yest to cheat. They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill tliev tri it, this kind of infonnashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth. It iz a middling wize man who profh'ts hi hiz own experi ence, but it izagood deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other phellow. The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat. Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate. Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well eiiuit' in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn in the car, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warren t a good crop. It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy ^o swet. Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth. i would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn't earn their pepper-sass. Oats are sold hi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count. Eggs, and money, are counted out, hut oats rever. MISSELLANEOUS. It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, H would save them a good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats. Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so, Methuseler died ritch. Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz worth. Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss. They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper oi pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very skarse. Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it iz staying out so inutch in the cold. I found this out all alone by miself. Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize. All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in a stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, then stow them away hi a granery, then spend wet days, and Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice. It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats try it. One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster Bud denly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and all. A LAFF. PASHUNCE OV JOB. 413 ****** # A LAFF. Men who never laff, may have good hearts, but tliev art- deep seated, like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandy- lion, a feeble yeller, and not ;i bit ov good i-mell about it. It iz true that enny kind of a laff ix better than none, but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then u-altzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks, then steals bak, with a smile, to its liar, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey, this is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade ov. PASHUNCE OV JOB. TWRYBODDY iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and JLJ Job did hav konsiderable Lile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round ?. Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hix gallus buttons bust oph at once ( Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall I Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and tuif it '! miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a teinpranse hous ? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking liefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in a lot ? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in i led lobster, mid told her she couldn't be too keerful about Mich tilings; i mit'ht Lav biu ruined for life. THE GAME OF YEWKER. THIS ill-bred game ov kards is about '27 years old. It was fust diskovered by the deck hands 0:1 a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty. It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the lackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and rhaw, and cheat while the game is advancing. I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare -else. If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will aston- ish yon, quite often -I queens and a lospot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or S dollars that it is a good hand tew play po- ker with ; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot. Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't comparo tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle. 1 never play yewker. I never would learn how, out ov principle. I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, ii. Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, wa* born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity. I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness. Bui I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game. I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt toolU Connekticut, mi natiff place. 416 MISSELLAKEOUS. BEER I HAY finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager "beer it not intoxikatin. I hav been told so bi a german, who sed lie had drank it aid nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and ii he was drunk, he waa drunk in german, and noboddy couid understand it. It iz proper enulf tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus. I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my lied untwist, as tho it was hnng on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for 1 never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was craning tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too. Oh, how sick i was ! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now. I never had so much experience, in so short a time. If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxika- ting, i should beleave him ; but if he should tell me that i Want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up. If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural eimptoms a man ever had, and keep sober. In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickuppcd awfully, and saw evrything in the BEER. 417 room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 1JI inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain't aul ; mi wife sed i waz az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely. 27* *18 MISCELLANEOUS. If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used rue almighty mean, that i kno. Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb. I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tern- pranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi month pried open. I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in. LAUGHING. IT never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded ;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely w r ithin the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy the eloquense ov childhood, and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions ; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words- Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense. It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weari- ness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper. It never iz covetous. It ackompanys charity, and iz the hand- maid ov honesty. It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment. Sum have kalled it a weak- ness a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.-<-It holds the mirror up tew THE ADVENT NO. 2. 419 beauty ; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly. It iz the light ov life ; without it we should be but anima- ted ghosts. It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and car- ries haff ov poverty's bundles. It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase. It never grows old ; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave Without it, love would be no pashnn, and fruition would show no joy. It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart ; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise. THE ADVENT NO. 2. THE secknnd advri:iii (*, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they rub out the slate, and begin agin. Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they sav, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two inches, which i/ mighty cluss for so big a thing. The time ha/, bin sott,at least a dozen times since i hav bin an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov hashing awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way. But az i grew older if i didn't gro cnny wizer I had th 420 MISSELLAAEOLS. satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade OM advents. I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way. I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick, that waz lieing around loose, ov man's inter- nal natur, thet if the world hadn't bin bilt, before man waz, he probably wouldn't hav bin satizfied if lie couldn't hav put in hiz lip. Man iz an uneazy kritter, and luvs tew tell how things ought tew be bilt and haz got jist impudence enuff tew offer Lih valuable services tew the Lord espeshily in the way ov advice. Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will surntime be knocked out ov time ; it hain't got the least partic- kle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover. it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, whc will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth's death to day, iz no wizer ; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town. The bible that i was brought up on, sez: "that the son oi .nan cometh like a thief in the night," and evry boddr knows, that the ftist intimaslmn we hav ov a thief's visit iz, that he haz been hero, and left. THE ADVENT NO. i'. 421 Thare iz a large share ov the students, in thesecund advent .lokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suita- ble tew put enny, the f ust bizzness, ov enny consequence thev do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain't long before the phool nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job. This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckula- shun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bot- tom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to be phooled. The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew lie a hit, then yu will ^ee men ov brains, who oiiglit tew be ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen hi the crank, and run it. I dont know whether Mr. Miller wax the inventor ov this seckond advent abortion or not, but if he wax, i will bet a haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back ro.;d, az ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov medicin. I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily when he dont step on enny boddy but himself. Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy th era- Belt's, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop. Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an end, to suit their reckoning, they would be ax skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, and be the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied. I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint, that thare aint aMilleritenow living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take S7 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun. Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the face ov it. 422 MISSELLANEOUS. Oh ! impudence, whare iz tliy sting! Oh! pholly, wliare ia thy viktory ! QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. Qu. IIo\v fast will the " come-in g man" probably travel I Ans. It iz unpossibul tew say. but if he kant beat 2:25, he'd better stay whare lie is, for there is no glory left for n slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family. Qu. What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun ? Ans. In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin. Qu. What iz the most karniverous animal? Ans. Death. Qu. What iz the eaziest thing tew digest? Ans. A good joke. Qu. Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully \ Ans. Win not ! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book. Qu. Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule ? Ans. Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and muske- toze. Qu. Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last ? Ans. I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word. Qu. Who are the only real temperance folks in the world ? Ans. The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare. Qu. Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word Damn as a tonick 2 Ans. It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn't worth a dam. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 423 Qu. What iz one ov the principal dutys -,ve owe to our country '. Ans. The customs. Qu. Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh aiul hiz hosts, being drank up by the lied see '( Ans. I do ; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York citv. Qu. Which do yu konsider the must general pashmi ov the humin heart ? Ans. The luv ov applauze ; it sticks tew evryboddv during life, and repents itself on the tnmestun. Qu. If yu waz blest! with a boy, which uv the lernt pro- feshions would yu dedikate him to ? Ans. The shuinakers. Qu. Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life? Ans. Only one ; liv virtuously ; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity. Qu. Which do yu kount the happy est time in a man's life? Ans. Immediately after he haz did a square thing. Qu. Is whiskee a tonick \ Ans. No, it iz an alterative ; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits. Qu. Iz revenge a viktory I Ans. Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker. Qu. Don't yon think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients? Ans. I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation ; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented. Qu. What is the difference between a' mistake and blunder ? Ans. When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes M1SSLLAXEOUS. up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down H good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder. Qu. If i couldn't hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be ? Ans. Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest. Qn. "Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian ? Ans. Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don't think the Lord ever takes the length of a man's face for a suit of heavenly clothes ; he measures the soul. Qu. What iz the best cure for love ? Ans. Tew liv on it. Qu. What iz the best cure for pride ? Ans. A fall on the ice before folks. Qu. What iz a sik old bachelor like ? Ans. A cocoon. Qu. What iz an excuse ? Ans. The finesse ov reason. Qu. What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch ? Ans. At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress ; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in. Qu. Where do the vain go tew when they die? Ans. A barber's shop. LONG BKANCH, SAKATOGA, AND LAKE GEOKGE. THEZE three places are wet spots. I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about this. Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at onca tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun, I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mm eral water aint mi fort. ~ONG BRANCH, SARATOGA AM) LAKE GEOKGK 425 I think the water at Long Branch ix too psalt. I noticed that most ov the people wont out into the water sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out thare. I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss tew the edge ov the- water, and drank sum. But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the water into the shore so mutch that it went all over me. This waz looked upon flz k u s s i d smart, and every boddy laffed. 1 did not see en- ny thing phunny in it, and so i didn't laff. The water at Long Branch iz verry plenty, and will last for menny years to cum, if they are saving ov it. I told me LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND TAKE T.EORO*. that the water at Long Branch waz good for the tidbit, and the conipshun. I think if the water \vaz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i might worn down sum ov it. I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn't hanker for it but once. I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sundav hiz text waz, "if psalt has lost its saver, \\hare shall it b) psalted." While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than M1SSELLANKOUS a millyun or people cum and went, and i didn't hear one o\ them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water. I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how tew like the w r ater. While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy to the water. This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front ov the middle ov the hotel. The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn't drink the water yet with mutch suckcess. His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search ov a landlord. I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and be- gun to drink. I don't think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch. I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the time. The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to. The water ain't so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Lon Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it. I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several people thare. This hotel iz kept by the Lelands, and iz kept just az i should keep -hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one. I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after staying 4: weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz. The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phello\vs and they all told me they knew how to drink the water. I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to finally drink the water. From Saratoga i went to Lake George. 1 went by the A.dirondax ralerode, and found it a mostde- litesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest. .LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKH (,K< >KGE. 427 One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the rode presented me with a pass to go and cum. I kan say to all who are going to Luke George to drink the waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yn will git less dust and more shade ; yu will find good stages, jolly driv- ers, kind agents, and just az like a/ not, a free pass for your- t elf and wife. I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn't taste enny psalt in the water. I waz supri/ed at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste. I tried the water the next morning, and found them still imsalty, and paid mi bill, and left. The landlord asked me, with tears in hi/ eyes, what wax the matter, and i whispered in hi/ ear that the water lakt psalt. He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me. 1 left Lake George with the firm con vikshun that the water iz too fresh tew be proffitable. Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so fine; but i didn't go for scenery, i went for water. After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happi- ness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, hut a leetle water-soaked. I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend tne winter thare, and praktiss on the waters. I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall tew drink than enny others. I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study nollygamy. If pollygamy i/ a blessing, the quicker we all find it out '.he better. T forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga irink glasses ov mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a sailor a regular old psalt. I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water he could swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth. But thare iz excepshnns tew the general rule. 4:28 MISSELLANEOUS. SUM YEGETABEL IIISTOEY. strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets. JL She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price. The culler ov the straw r berry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it ; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers ; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida. There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot. I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredf ul easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips. Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half sweetened drink ; but the man who can eat strawberry s besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz -stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience a man whose mouth tastes like a hole iu the ground, that don't care what goes down it. NEW ASHFOPJ). The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rbk. NEW ASHFORD. 429 It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze. It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that party, and like all the Xu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy. It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me mix up rum and religion together, but ihad an Unkle, who preached God's word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to heaven. This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three mag- nificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four. I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith. But i wouldn't advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day tew meddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer. The tanzy iz all rite it grows az green and az bitter az ever ; for man kant adulturate it, but the rumhazbin bedevil- ed into rank pizon. One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would dis- franchise a whole drove ov preachers now. In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and couid mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the middle ov the table. But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy. I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we aint pure enuflf now tew stand them, neither arc we tuft enuff. Our virtews may be ax pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand the biled pork, and rum } c T one vears ago. 430 MISCELLANEOUS. M e are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer ; weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful gain. I never hav met an old man yet, who didn't mourn the degeneracy ov the times. AVisdum don't kunsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less that iz false. But, dear Mr. , i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu sumthin about Xew Ashford. If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me. Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at it. I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite bin ski, without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks. How is this for hi ? But what a still place this Kew Ashford iz. At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked ; and at twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary. This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay's tail. Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter. In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm. Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this little brook a live trout no longer than yure linger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit. This iz what i am here fr; trout for breakfast, trout foi dinner and trout for supper, NEW ASHFORD. 431 I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer. I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi toddy I haven't read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn't read one for a dollar. I shall stay here till mi mnnny givs out, and shall cum hak tew the senseless crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, and holes in both ov mi boots. This world iz plmll ov fun, but most pholks look too hi for it. On one side ov this mountain they say thare iz rattle- snaix, on that side of the mo u n t a i n, iz whare i dont go. I am just az fraid ov a snaix as a wo- man iz, i had rather meet the devil, enny- time, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped suaik in the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me. I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you. It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud ; a still noizo iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez : "peace, be still" The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and look at the mountain, and see if it i/. thare, it this mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be. Yesterdayi picked one quart ov rield strawberry*, kaught 27 trout, and gathered a whole parcel! ov wintergreeu leaves, i biir daze work. 432 MISCELLANEOUS. When i got liome last night tired, no man kouldha\ bought them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it *vaz the tired that waz wuth the raunnj. TKare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired. Dear Mi. - - , good-bye, it iz now 9 oclk, P. M., and every thing, in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then I will go to bed too. Oh! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, clues bi the side ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every thing iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo couldn't liv long enuif tew take one bite, whare board iz only i dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, P. M,, are fast asleep, and snoreing. BENDS. HISTORIANS and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various Bends that hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushnn tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner. The most butiful, az \vell ;iz truest bilt Rend, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow. For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this Send iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reach- ed the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan. Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew men shun north Bend, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick ; and also south Bend, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a cer taiuty o\ winning that iz butifiil tew behold. (Later ^Ie haz won.) BENDS. 4HJI Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate republiek is the political Bend. This Bend ix az connnon and az limber az the fin lier feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time. It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back asummer- ett over forwards. Menny ov our most noble politicians hav bent theirsclfr in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake. Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the clboJBend, that cauzes the mout tew Hy ap.-irt on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the bniin ov its patrimo- ny reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the devil. In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov biz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap. This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git chronick. This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows: a house- hold, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without re- proach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew. In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders' the fop and the belle. This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen tur- key making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain. I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted tew sanktify it. I don't kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their 28* 43i MISSELLAJJEOUS. travelling ; they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law- giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane. How long this knapsack gait will continncw to be f ashiona- bel in New York, the homeov folly, whare just now itiz be- ing experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity. I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bord- ering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch : "!Nix for stix ! " and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick. I don't know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny Bend in it. Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living. What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself ! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the market ! I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back ; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose great cst pleasure iz tew harm noboddy. KOLIDING, THE wurd " kolide," used bi ralcrode men, haz an indefi nit meaning tew menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew KOLIDIXG. 435 translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it a' onst. The term " kolide " is used tew explain the sarkumstanso TEW LATE FUR THE TRAWI. ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessf ully, hence a " kolide." JOSH BILLINGS. A MEKIKANS love canstick things ; they would prefer J\. turpentine tew colone- water, if they had tew drink either. So with their relish of humor ; they must hav it on the half- fcliell with cayenne. An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes it. 436 MISSELLAXEOUS. If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu liav got tew ck it quick. An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but lie don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it ; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter. I guess the English liav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor. "We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it. HAVING herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashnn at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense. I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artiiishall water, which waz owned bi a stock com- pany, and froze tew order. Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery build- ings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kiv- vered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tr\v their feet. It waz a most exsiting scene : the sun waz in the skey- and the wind waz in the air and the birds were in the South and the snow waz on the ground and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good deal. It waz a most exsiting scene ; I wanted tew holler " Bully "" or lay down and rool over. But i kept in, and aked with glory. Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind. The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in tlie breeze anj TI1K FALLEN ANGELL. 437 other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life on ice. For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dmn exi-itement I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass. I didn't kno how tew proceed. Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angeli, RWJ eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust uv .~j>ei>d ; slm 438 M1SSELLAXEOUS. seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew oust, with gorgor.s cwoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle. Awl gathered around the bursted angell ; but lo ! in a mii> nitt's space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase ; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes. I had saw enuff more happyness than belonged tew me and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt good. WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE. DEAR Mr. : Your letter to me this moin- ing for more copy haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press. It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a half a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even snckceeded but a few inches, it YA a good deal like lifting things that are tied down. In the first place a comik essa mu^t hav a short back, be sharp on the withers, not tew long legged, Kind in all harness.; hard to skare, and able to show 2:rO to a road waggon. The power ov a eornik essa resides in its idea, either origi nal or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake sunning himself in the sand. It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind aflame colored paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a mizeboy"? prayer, ;>7 sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, and a/ brilliant in Ir'z busts az a ski rocket. W1UTEUS AT SHOUT RANGE. Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or his ted with a jerk ; comik essayers must rani pages into pamgralTs; wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop thare is about as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the gin- ger. Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks ; evrvbodd? seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker cums in. A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don't understand the language. I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters who love me, tliay say, and who wonder whi i don't write sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer i/ often dull enuff, and a longbilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty. Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don't hitch tew menny ov them together ; but their only power iz the interprerashun ov ideas ; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod tho better the dose. Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don't make enny remarks, and no man needn't git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word. A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him ; he must akt sensible things strangely ; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey ; the deviltry in a monkey iz natral if it want, it wouldn't be funny, but ridikilous. Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eaziertew bo a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man te\r giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault. If enny ov yuro readers, Dear Mr. , or enny ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures, and i will (quietly go into the frogs hiud 440 MISRELLAXEOUS. legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don't find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov brains or impudense, i don't know whitch. A man who iz on a jnrney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, it iz jistly thus with yure long and ynre class bilt writers. I hope thoze who take the pain tew rend this squiblet, will giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain't so sarching and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who scmioftenly advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haft-shell, nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at haff cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss latf. I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the offer. 1 will stop hi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks. BEAU BENXET'S SUPPLIKASIIFN. KIND Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are styl- ish. Giv unto me morality copious ; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in -winter. Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wis- dum be grate even like unto Solaman's. Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these nun> her 10 feet ov mine. BEAU 13EN NET'S SLTPLIKASlll N. 441 Fill up mi kup tew the brim's verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion. Take away from me rll vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even ax korn titteth the kob. Remove far from rue, O gentle Fortune ! all pride and vain rsteutashun, bn t grant that mi name aiming w i in m i n may ever be spo- ken in acksents of gladness. Make my heart - te.v glisten w i t h charily, but teach mi trivlor and shu- inak-j! 1 how tew wait f > their mun- ny and be happy. Let mi heart feast on the truth, bnt smile tli ou upon mi kork leg and periwig nobby. Remove far from me all gl u 1 1 o n y, but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty. Teach me tew shim all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yiing widdo happy. Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind For* hine, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded. Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck. Remove all affektaslnm far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it. MISSELLANEOUS. Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea ! make ine all dripping wet, but don't let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy. Make me at all times ov the poor heathen- thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster. Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersv. Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the peo- ple shall kail me u Yung Purity" Smile thou ! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentisU, all wash-wimminand shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins. Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo's with munny, all moth- ers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches lay- ing around loose, but chiefly giv me a consilience full ov aroma. Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow be- kurning. Listen ! dear Fortune, listen ! giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintansc, and feed witji nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzz urn. I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered farewell for the present don't go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful ! ! A LEKTUEE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. YU are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety m mi saing, tor the last time tew. A LEKTURE TO MALE YOl'XU MEN ONLV. 44,'J It ishily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the raniitika- shun ov natur, and see what natiir liaz ramified yu for. Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neitlier dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his rolaslmns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nof sow Imkwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy ; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having hefted tho above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdv slnimakinir, both of */ / - them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew ln-lth. Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yn 444 MISCELLANEOUS. hav a kail, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ovyure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran sur- ^SOQ amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kal- tjnil & gallup amung men, wimmin dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.) G. "W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, entitled "Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun/" (This iz a kussid no sich tiling. J. B.) The cirkulashun ov the KEW YORK WEEKLY haz all ready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, "Excelsior" The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov "snob place" will hav a klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, " Goose Nook" to whitch the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.) Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ovthe Ilambletonian breed, which lately follow ed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnlts and 23 LATEST JSUZEPAPER TATL1XG. 455 aeckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckouds the best mile made yet by enny sucker. Report sez that the staunch widdow. Aniline Beeach neo Brown, nee Jones, nee Beekwith, nee Smitli. nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker 5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Ronndout, Esq., (Good bve, Walter.) On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a "1 years engagement. On ditto, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a fail- ure, and that starvashun must f oiler. On dittimus, that Georg3 Washington Vim-gar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel. New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the T'nion. It iz stated that it kosts !> hundred dollars tew civilize our injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thou- sand dollars ; but, the moral results are sed tew be heavy (Let the good work go on.) Mrs. William Iloboken haz had her cl.irenre mil y painted. The nu c >lor iz chestnut sorrel the old color waz dapple grey. We are authorized tew state that Mr . A!anth;is haz just returned from the state ov* Tnjunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals. A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates " that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood." We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs. Jibboom ; their respektibility iz now fully establish- ed, they having appeared on the avenew with a *2 horse car- riage, and a slitelv coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and O 7 v sum yeller brass buttons. The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes. Matilda O'Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karac ter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street 456 M1SSELLANEOUS. No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the sum mer az company un tew a lady, provided suitable reference* are given ! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family. Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergur- son. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun. JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. THE velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind the fust one. They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun. They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun. They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man. The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the question, in what manner they shall occupy them. Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the hoss. It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the "wimmins' right committee," and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from fill- ing her destiny. I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair com- petishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az med- isin, a/ad may the best man wm. It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. 45 < the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things. I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the volosipenj, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk. The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumbcutory gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun. Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science ; the philosophers are az wel, acquainted with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better. There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to l<;arn to stand still till you mount them. Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still. I hav seen the nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without giving him credit for it. If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosi- pead iz purely a crank moahun, simular tew the grind stun, and r/, produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs up his rnasheen. I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekmn a means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poe- try all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov useful- ness. If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, it bekuuis inelegant to oust. 458 MISSELLANEOUS. The moshnn ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs or rather, the action ov the pedal extreinetys, the word leggs iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people. This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who understands that " velosipeads " iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words, "veloss" and "pedoss" which vulgarily means "lively leggs" but politely means, "pedal swiftness" If a man don't understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier. The velosipead iz not a modern discovery ; long before the days of Adam, and Eve, they M*az in use. The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us ov a grate expert, one Txion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian country. I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were pro- pelled by a shove moshun. Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called " wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that. This is all i kno now about the velosipeads. THE EASE KOARSE. C\ RATE rase ! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, \J April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl bosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses ! Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at " Jarnaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i w r ud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a grias-mill and 2 tannerys. THE RASE KOARSE. 459 The priusipal buildings seem tu consist ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee principles. I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionary! abreast. The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peoptt waz pealing hark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a gentleman present, who cod he was a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the pop- JOHN BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO TFIK RACES. lashnn ov the place definitely waz, and cedhe definitely didn't, bnt if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with u dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tav- ern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mixed uatur, i sail tered down tu where the rase kourse waz. 460 MISSELLANEOU&. THE TRACK. I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart. THE HOSSES. Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther boss, about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I asked a yung man with longyeller hair and bedtick panty- loons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clusbi, ced, " she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minis- ter," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz " Fryin-Pan." The uther boss waz a red boss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day ; i shod think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz ".Juise Harp." FUST HEAT. The bosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the lust time. The gra mare waz dmv bi " Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi " Ligh Turner." Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins ; the mare with her lied hi up and her noze full ov winde ; the hoss waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits. Now the kontest becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and THE RASE HOARSE. "Ligh" yelled on tha kum, the mare gm higher, and tho hoss gru longer tha make the last turn tew onst tha look like a dubble team the exsitement grows more intensely the crowd sways to and fro the ox cart trembles tha cum! tha cum ! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chaw- ing terbacker, \vaz never herd before ; the mare iz ahed ! no, the hoss iz ahed ! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox kart the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnita lacking 2 seckuuds. REMARKS. The hosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each party are sanguinary or suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss. At this jnnkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young man's Christian Gide, proposed tew bet 75 cents that tho mare wild win the nex heat ; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse. SECKUND HEAT. The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's e;irs hang down the side ov her bed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go ; the boss a leetle ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch, " Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader ; she trots like litening, she passes the boss ! no! she busts ! she busts! and befour " Dave " cud ilatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trot ted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in nwl alone, trotting fast, and so clusdowu, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground, 462 MISSELLANEOUS. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits, " Jnise Harp " winning, bi a quarter ov a mile. Thus ended the grate rase at " Sulphur Flats." I immejiately started on foot for " Jamaka Rum fou* corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, thomen, and even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuutry in a fu dais. BILLINGS LEXICON. BLUSH The cream ov modesty. Ginger-pop Gimnastik water. Man Live dirt. Friends Books, paintings, and stuft birds. Bashfullnes Ignorance afraid. Conservatism A bag with a hole to it. Radicalism A hole with a bag to it. Aristocrat A demokrat with hiz pockets filled. Politicks The apology ov plunder. Tin watch Faith without works. Mule A bad pun on a horce. Patience Faith waiting for a nibble. Sparking Picking buds oph from the bush. Malice A. blind mule kicking by guess. Eternal God's epitaff. Care Cat pizen. Faith The soul riding anchor. Bliss Happiness bileing over and running down both Bides ov the pot. Marriage An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook and woman her luv letters. Quack A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill Hash A boarding-hous confidence game. Fuss An old hen with one chicken. Twins 2 mutch. BILUXliS LEXICON. 463 Board iiig-School A place wharo wry coffee and flirtashun iz taught. Experiment Energy out ov a job. Perfection God in man. Virtue That ingredient wliitch needs no foil, and without whitch nothing else iz valuabel. Solitude A good place tew visit, but a poor place te\r stay. Sloth Life in a tomb. Health A call loan. Memory The shadow that the soul casts. Politeness Sixty day paper. Poverty The only birthright that a man kant lose. Accidents The dismay ov phools, the wize man's barome- ter. Ease Discounted time. Wealth Baggage at the riskov the owner. Trials "Whetstuns. Fortune The aggregate ov possibilitys ; a goddess whom cowards count by stealth, but whom brave men take by storm. Economy A fust mortgage on wealth. Enough Jist a leetle more. Dignity "\Visdum in tights. Mischief The maliss ov fun. Cook One who manufakters appetights. Diseases The whipping posts and branding irons ov lux ury. Drunkenness Shame lost and .shame found Cowardice Pluck on ice. Glutton A man with a drunken appetight. Examples Foot prints in the wilderness. Nunnery Piety in chains. Ignorance Haw happiness. Sin A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discover ed to be an antidote. Friendship One ov love'-- pimps. 464 MISSELLAXEOUS. Envy A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brothel A.bel afterward caught, and died suddenly ov. Belle A female boss ov the situation. Fancy The flirtashun ov truth. Sarcasm An undertaker in tears. Sulks Deff and dum madness. Courting A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game Fiction A lie with holiday clothes on. Hen A lay member. Law The shackels ov liberty. Science The literature ov truth. Deceit A ded wasp with a live tail. Babys Dividend. Miser A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away hiz munny in. Misfortunes A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they kan steal. Spirituolist A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on Ben Franklin & Co. Inheritance Second-hand goods, other people's leavings. Ironclads Vessels ov wrath. Grave Yard A small patch ov land, cultivated by the dead, lieing between time and eternity. Lap Dogs A nucleus for affeckshnn out ov a job. Society Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacred- ly watching over the ashes. Jealousy Self love. Stingyness The bran' ov economy. Buck Saw An instrument ov torture. Bragadocio One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze. Anxiety Milking a kicking heifer w r ith one hand, and holding her by the tail with the other. Swearing The metalic currency ov loafers. Judicious Benevolence The brains ov the heart. Blue Jay The fop ov the forest. Policy " Honesty iz the .best policy," but policy iz not alwus the best hone? f v. OWLY. 465 Bachelor The hero ov a cot bedstead. Club Houses "NVliare the hen-pecked gotewsware, and smooth out their feathers. Lie The cowardice ov truth. Skunk An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant. OWLY. HERE we have a batch of immaculate truths from the "Owl Club." After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each " Owl," as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual. " 1 never can hear of a man's gitting his head broke," said the President, " but 1 call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago. "A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a pot- ash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes. "This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skill- ful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the strength of this accident." " A very good story, and undoubtedly true," said the Vice- President "Owl," "but I don't think it quite so miraculous as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely through. " His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hur- ricane. " As she was passing batches, on a down trip, she blew up, and filled the air with every kind of fragments. "Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and 30i 466 MISCELLANEOUS. there being a strong wind at the time, he wa*> carried over onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store. "After passing down through three stories of the building, he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the con- S P J NN IN C cern ' w ^ Demanded - five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building. '"I can't pay so much money,' said Joe, ' but i will give you two hundred and fifty , and I have often settled for this price before? '' "Bully for Joe French," said one of the " Owls." " But let me tell you a little story about an attorney by the name of Gersh' Buckley, who prac- ticed law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago. " Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney with taking less than the customary fees. " Gersh plead quietly to the charge. ' But, gentlemen,' said he, ' / done all in my power to sustain the honor of ih& profession, I took aU the 'money the man had? '' At this point, one of the " Owls," more noted for his gravi- ty than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follows : " Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1 840. I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having OWLY. 46< taken passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Birch. " Twenty-five tniles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodvard. Rosin and pine was soon the order ov exercise?, and both boats were quickly side by side in a close-contested race. " Suddenly word was parsed along the boat, ' Man over- board !' "The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his passage. " ' Yes !' shouted the clerk. "' Then go ahead on her, engineer!' was the captain's or- der." " Owl " number five plumed his feathers and opened his short but silvery -toned beak, as follows: "Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and taken up insensible. As belay on a stretch- er near the judges' stand many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery. " A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously affect the fairness of the ~bets" "I don't believe that story," said "Owl" Number Six; "but here is one which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to be true : " An old gentleman who, by tiie way, was almost entire- ly deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claim- ing certain damages. The case was one which the justice thought ought not to go to a jury, but should be settled be- tween the parties. He therefore instructed the attorney to ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit. The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man's ear, said, in a loud tone : " ' The court wants to know what you will take.' "Turning his eye blandly toward the judge's bench, the old gentleman replied : " ' Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle iSanty Cruise rum without sugar.' " 468 MISSELLANEOUS. " Owl " Number Seven T looking uncommon wise, got off the following : " Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents com- ing upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent: " ' Old man, don't let him git the start of you call him a thief and a liar first. ' ' " That puts me in mind," said the next " Owl" of a story, not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we have just listened to. " Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed gardening for a living, had been to the neighboring town to do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with him, both ov them got unco tight. " On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed un- till the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to the rising tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her lips. ' Not another drop, hot, nor cold not another drop, will I take. 1 " OWLET.* POKDUNK TILLAGE. Q TKANGEK ! hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my O natiff place ? It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two small mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania. It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose crik, whitch meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy az a skool boy, on hiz way tew the distrikt skool ho us. I waz born here, and the ground on whitch the old hous stood, iz thare yet. Mi ancesters are all here too, but thex POKDUKK VILLAGE. nav retired from, bizzness, and are taking their eaze, in thj old grave, yard ov the little one story church. The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfolk* gathered in, on Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and brag on their bush beans, and other gardin s.ass, iz gone, and departed. And Roger Williams, where iz he ? Roger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the parson, on a bit ov skripture, hiz anvil iz still, and he now livs in his new house, with the rest of the old people, just back ov the little one story church. Whare iz Square Watkins, the justiss of the peace ? he knu law, and the stattews, just az eazy az he did the 10 commands, hiz little old offiss, for 50 years unpainted, iz now no more. No one ov hiz name iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by side, just back ov the little one story church, az still az deth kan make them. Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don't see her! Poor Sue, she waz not alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, a night's lodgeing no one refused, she was even butiful still, when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from the flash ov her misteri- ous eye. The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often told, and so soon forgotten, a mans perfidy. Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farther korner, just MISSELLANEOLS. bak ov the little one story church, whare the ded lay th* thikest, lays Sue. A weep in willow, sown bi aksident, hangs over her grave, and on her lied stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi time, kan be made out, " Sue Dunham, aged 59." Parson Powell, who led hiz flok bi the side ov still waters who wet with hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in wedlok, and who asked God to take the departing ones, I miss him too ; peacefully he sleeps, just bak ov the little one story church. Deakon Tucker, who sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis bi the pint, who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept raizen and razor straps, who coidd mezzure a yard ov kotton, ov kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th ov Julys, sold 3 fire krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, what haz bekum ov the deakon ? Years ago. he fled, not far away, but class up tew the back wall ov the little one story church, nc;;:- to Parson Powell. An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham. and withal az keen at a trade az a hornet, Them that swopped bosses with Ez once, didn't hanker tew do it again, he waz honest, but oh ! how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the whole village re- member him, he haz gone whare they don't giv, nor git boot, they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story church. Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job's wife, and all ov Job's sons, and danters. I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, the people all stare at me, az i stop here and stop tliare, to say tew miself, " here it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle on the village green, and thare stood the old town pump." " Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a shave, and thare, Burbanks haft' soled boots for a quarter," "Here let me see ! was it here ? Yes Old Mother Benne- way sold taffy here, each stick at least 8 indies long, and made out of Deakon Tuckers best Porto Rico nnlassis." PORDUNK VILLAGE. 471 "Thare stood the little red skoul hous, right tliarc, ir waz the forks ov a road then, it is the korner of a block now. "Who kan tell me whare Daniel Purdy the sk <>! master lives now, no one ! I hav asked a dozen, but no one remem- ber Daniel Purdy. "It iz a sad thing tew be a skoolmaster, no one ever seems tewkno whare they go when yu miss them. They just seem to depart that's all. I never knu one tew die, and be buried.'' Ah, it iz pleasant! it is sad, to go bak tew the village of Pordunk, lhare is more people now thare, than there wax. when i wa:: a boy, but how different are they, or how dif- terent am I. The old tives are the same, man kant alter them, goose krik runs jist whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, the mountains each side haven't grown enny smaller, the birds sing the same songs, but i don't knu enny one that i meet, and what is more lonesome, no one that i meet knows ine. "When i go tew Pordunk, and want tew see enny boddy that I remember, i go down the main street to the fust kor- ner, just whare Joel Parker once lived, then i turn tew the left, and keep on for a ways, till i cum tew the little one story church. Just bak ov that they are all living now. They don't remember me when i go thare. but I remember them, h won't be very long now before I shall jine them. 4 LETTERS. Mister Brown. In haste, dear su:-, I repli tevr yrpfe lettel thusly : Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which, they yield is balmy, but looses much of 'ts melloness unless played upon hi a bull frog. I hav list- ened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a mnsik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav ayung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog. If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik. Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the life, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones. I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp. If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin. 472 4 LETTERS. Mister Bates. The best kind <.v bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ova trap, i/. the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint al- ways a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat. Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curi- osity to me long ago. Once i should hav looked upon a bob- tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov pitty, and Hiprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a bob- tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness tran- sackshun. Rats are one ov the 4 LETTERS far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildenies, and i wouldn't if i waz they. Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ^v night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chav ing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wain ;>U b . Hats are very prolih'ck, one pair ov assorted rafs, will k eep a phamily in rats for years. Eats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew thing: but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up. Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i ain told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China. I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav ai- wns accustomed miself t: p vittles. 474 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Mister Barnes. Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles. Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than al- most enny other breed ov food. For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good. I like to eat hash this way better than enny other. Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash. If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash. I hav seen hash iniself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv. I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate. This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend. If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food. Mister BarUett. Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable. A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family. I dont knp ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered. It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this. It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out. Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch. The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started. JOSH SETTLES I* P. 475 They are a little l>;ilkv about starting. * * o I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one ni^ht besides giving birth to 7 voting cowcumbers on the wav. Koweumbers kut np into thin slices, and rooled in peper. and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region. A cowcumber iz about the only tiling that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perfektslmn. Mister Boggs. Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterday's male. I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once mi self. I lost a most flattering purp on the 10th day of March three years ago. I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house. He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else. He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oti from a clothesline, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold He waz a bul pup, but iz no more. Tiger waz hiz fust name. I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog. Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak. Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be invested in dorgs. JOSH SETTLES UP WITH I IIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY. " Philander." If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mort- gage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose. "Plato" Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man's moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov. 476 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. " Pitular." The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent, for the use ov it. " Phillip" If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer, the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks. " Pan" Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least. " PoweU" Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels. " Postboy" Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good striJce, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again. " Peacock" Yu will find in jure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and dissapointments bitter :^ thare ii one thing partickularly apt tew go back ov ayung man, whoze buz- zum iz tricing tew bust with hope, and that iz hiz mustash. "Pilot" A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl ; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts. " PUgarlick" Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way : Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel) ; skin the eel length- ways from'hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool ; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks ; it iz then awl rcddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs. This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition. " Pharaoh" It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy " Pedro" Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him A LOOSE BTLT EPISTLE. ^77 over cluss, but don't examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew toller when yu take a wife. "Pontoon." The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft ; tew mutch tail to things i/. jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov cl -ver kites. "Palmer.''' Early imprcshions are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz mad- of. " Pinchback." Don't beleave more than half that vu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 tonngs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon. "Palmer." In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the old-fashioned way i:i the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don't beleaf in speerits (not even Ja- imka speerits ;) am married, or waz twenty years ago. and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now ; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git outov repair ; hav turned mi attenshion tew rirl children ; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now bo.-r Hug with a yung feller ; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind ; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunarv temperament, and a billyus noze ; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze ; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan ent two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose ; I work for mi bread and roast goose ; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog this iz me. I. forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job. A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. DEAR BRIGHAM : Excuse this peripatetick letter. I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trr>jl ov literature, 47* ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness. If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noslmns, and who didn't seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny tiling or not, and who couldn't tell whare he w r az last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn't recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted te\vgo into bizzness fur him- self, at 16 years old, w r ith a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon's ex trakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov lime- berger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him : " Son-, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frame- ing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that wil! not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market." This iz the way i would converse with the young Pollings, and if he didn't begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me. and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum f>0 feet futher oph than he waz, 1)1 DNT KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN. A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 479 It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if Burn philanthropise!;, about th>ty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my bed the fresh water noshuu that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take eimy Compass. This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, Jiaz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their vounger daze, tew make * ' f phools ov themselfs. I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung insti.tr.! ion ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler "amen" before the prayer iz haff through ; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their lite- ning. I don't Avant enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded lied ; a skim-milk cheeze ; a colporter of water gruel ; a putty babe- ling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse aiming hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten. I ain't voting for this breed ov boys ; i only ask the virgin- ity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss ; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant. There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose ; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word " go," and nothing else, and if he takes a noshim tew go tew the devil who cares ? But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inherit- ance ov a camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz dsiddy. i : iav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't *480 ANSWERS TO COKliESPOXDENTS. ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for Ihe whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, nri dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviv- ing the small pox, it may make yu pro ff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents, Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be per sonal, they wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing. SHOKT KEPLYS. DEAR ALICE. I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other. I dont kno " Yankee doodle " from " IN ow I lay me on the grass," or " Mary had an infant sheep." I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it. I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful. I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg. I hav shed mermy a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother's catch, or simple lulaby. But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks. I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them. Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure let- ter, for i don't kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law. Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend. I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together. It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice krean: 1 , and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik. ****** SIIOR'J KEl'LYS. 48 1 Pensive Rebekker.l got jure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the* other phellow. I am only sorry on the other phellow's aekonnt, for viirc deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him. It don't hurt my pheelings tew be called a "pokey dunce." I never waz mutch ov a favourite, net even with miself, and often think i am what yu kail me, a " strapping monster.*' Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before. Artless Jane. In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him. Theze things are all regulated by the la.v ov supply and demand. If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand. I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsent rated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways. Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles. But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff. Pretty Rutli. Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled. . This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kour'ing iz did in a kareless way. Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak. If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt ten swing and ketch it. Yu shouldn't let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand. We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it. 31t 482 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I hav seen the game ov lii lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too. The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce. The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gal 1 \vung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot. Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers. Gay Betsey. Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day. But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt. It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry. I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks. They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength. They are also called " bivalves " bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism. The true name iz " good-bye valves," a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haft* shell. If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum. Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmiii hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper. A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods. WJMMINS RIGHTS. . &J "lf~I DEAR Miss JEMIMA JOSEPHINE JKXKINS : ITl I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart rni influence tew prokure foryu the privilege (and sun- dry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do. I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should bo happy to floor niiself, and all mi encrgys at ymv fee', in eiinv pauze that i thought M'az for your happiness and f ; n 1 .<:u-kcos-. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan o'.vn me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter. I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews. If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman's care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving. Woman haz dun for me what no man co;ild or would do. But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yuare anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes. She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz agoing on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result M~az. Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely. "When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family. Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and whit assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right '. Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborn ess. Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judge- ment or influenced bi others. If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose ? I hav never saw yure platform. Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, arid tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ovmale iniquity, but what are YU , ram it dovn heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with aslo match, and I had justaz leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crosses! ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for ennv thing else. They are like all other wild animals fleet only for a short distance ; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew thejn, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth it the only kind ov ci\ ili/ashun that an injun kan understand. Caroline. Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and senti- mental, and luvly things. I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor. I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentanres. When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant. If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would sav i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it. I make no pretentious tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don't kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drum- udary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glitter- ing cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at. Benjamin. Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer. The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shave* SHORT, BUT SWEET. hiz platting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows weal gree;igogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kon- trivance to hiz cows tails in fli time. Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a prak- tikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ailed ov the time. I haven't mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book laming will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won't in- dulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest. Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long for it, w r e might az well hang on now till it cums. Prudence. I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer ynre question. I don't kno what a Dolly Varden iz. I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an im- mense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask. I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo ! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bachelor friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am mar- ried too) and they say " husk" and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market. Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Yarden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about It anready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness. i::* TO CUHKESPUMJLM * 4^3 Picayune. The sucker iz uot a game phi.,), the very name indicates that. They won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the countrv. They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch heir breth in it. They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob. They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tine:! fork. Howard. Your letter iz come tew hand and iN kontenta karefully weighed, and I find that they don't weigh heavy. In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole liaz not bin found out yet. Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the but!, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt. and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear- in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got. In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, bo polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall's guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders. Caroline. Yu ask us, " Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty. or modesty." For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty. Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day. We konsiderbuty one ov the best JcollatteraJs that a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, sho aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums. Buty alone wont v o> well, an-1 thare iz a gra'e <'e:d of it now daze that wont ?/v/.v/i at all and kD THE ctxviMii TE MAN. a distrikt-school -master faint, and if i should answer them aVl, vu would be fuller ov ediikashun than an auhnanak. Who the author ov the saying, " the good die yung," waz, i don't care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, theyunger a man kan die the better ; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing. Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me. "Abel.^ Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious braos at last. " Hannibal" Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd. " Mercury" " Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness," waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dent like solitude, and luv tew see tV.e smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thie ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN." Dear Doktor Hirsute : I reseaved a tin cup ov yure " Hair purswader," also a bottle ov yure Salvashun Bitters," bi express, for which, I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov pur- swader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar ginmastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussellss grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful ! 'tis almoste Eureka ! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me ! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletoriiau breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov the " purswader " got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size ; taking one 498 more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running ; across the yard ! over the fence ! np wun side ov an apple tree ! and down the other ! out into the fields, away ! away ! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch a\vl tale. 1 wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her. In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 49t up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which wil/ make the hair grow on the head ov a nuinher 2 niackrel, to road it. Dear Dokter, tlie fact iz, "sum men are horn i;r:ite, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grate- ness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, poke-root, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your " Sahashun Bitters" a " vegatabel tonicks," although, old ryeaintoneov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peo- pel will luv you. Thare is nothing the Christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratift', and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what ! oh tell me what ! yee whispring winds, what ! are all these without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daxe ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, ax "Ilirsute's Salvasliun Bitters," sold respektably hi awl drug- gists, far and near. Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and patient truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis. P. S. Let me advize yu az a friend ; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the " Sal- vashun Bittera," let it by awl means be in the rutee, dont lower the basis. Yures quietly, JOSH BILLINGS. KARACTER, THE GASSY MAN. i The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort, ov hi-preshure reservoi ov roap-s'uK who spouts babies and foam, whenever he opens hiz mouth. Theze quacks in the small beer line, hav but phew branes, but their branes are like yeast, they kant rize without run- ning over every thing. I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a half -ind never offer one good reazon in the whole time. They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel VARIETY. &(U tew just about az mntch purpose az a boy's wind mill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff nor wester. They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav yit bin discovered, and think, bekanze people kant eskape their furio.s effervescence, they are pleazed and convinced. I never knn one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought Soloman waz almost an idx>t kompared tew them, and I never knu one to ever diskover biz mistake. Yu mite ax well undertake tew git tlie pride out ov a pekocks tail, In latfing at it, az to convinse theze phellows that what they say aint either wit or wisdum. The gassy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart, he iz often az good natnred az he is phoolish, but biz friend- ship aint worth mntch more tew yu than the luv ov a lost pnp, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat him on the back. THE SHARP MAN. The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but he iz just az difirent from a wize one az he iz from an hon- est one. He trusts tew biz cunning for snckcess, and this iz the next thing to being a rogue. The sharp man iz like a razor generally too sharp for enny thing but a shave. Theze men are not tew be trusted they are so constituted that they must cheat snmboddy, and, rather than be idle or lose a good job, they will pitch onto their best friends. They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the bor- ders ov criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny time. It iz but a step from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a step that iz alwnss inviting to take. Sharp men hav but phew friends, and seldum a konfident. They hav learnt tew fear treachery by studying their own nature. They are alwnss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap o1 sharp watching. 502 KARACTER. The sharp man iz a.wuss a vain one. He prides himseli upon his cunning, and had rather do a shrewd thing than a kind one. THE LAZY MAN. Next tew the weak man the lazy man iz the wust one i kno ov, without necessarily being a viscious one. He iz too indolent tew praktiss hiz virtews, if he haz got enny, and therefore iz koiistantly open tew vice, which iz half-brother tew lazyness. It iz hard work tew phind lazyness and virtew inixt, but thare iz sitch a thing. Indolence iz one ov the wust mildews i kno ov it iz the grate leak that haz let thousands ov men drizzle away. Lazyness iz not positively ^ crime, but they look and akt wonderphully alike. Lazyness iz not ornamental even tew an old man, but tew a yung one it iz a shining disgrase. I hav seen lazy men that i thought waz innocent, but i never felt like warrenting one ov them for more than 90 daze. THE NERVOUS MAN. One ov the most unkumfortable kritters in this world iz the nervus man. He discounts all hiz griefs, and suffers more from trubbles that never happen, than enny boddy else duz from trubbles that do cum. Hiz ears are like a rabbits, alw r ays on end for sum disaster, and hiz nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov the east w r ind. He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down like a kat in frunt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring. Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy without satisfacshun. The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though hiz nerves are alwus strung, he lasts like an old phiddle. A'kho i kant help but pitty the nervus man i am aware VARIETY. f>03 that lie haz moments ov plexxure that are equal tew whole hours, they are so intensified. Whatever he duz enjoy he enjoys the whole ov, pacing the bounds ov reality, lie revels in the illimitable fields ov imaginaslmn and fancy. 1 think I would rather have more nerves than i could manage than not tew hav enny, and mope on thru life ax sum men do, with nothing about me so exeiteableax mi relish for pork and beans. THK DK.MFIKD MAN. It iz often the ka.se that the dignified man ix nothing more than an owl aiming humans. lie dont alwus kno but little, but when he dux he hax i-w be kareful ov that little and look wixe even if he dont prove tew be so. One good hoss laff would spile him for life; if he lets go ov hix dignity, hiz kapital ix all gone and he ix ruined for- ever. The dignified man that i am talking about, never takes enny chances, he weighs every word before it ix uttered, and meaxxures every ackshun before it iz expressed, and ix gener- ally ax free from blunders, or hits, az a tud !t<>ol ix. If he ever dux kik up and frolik he ix like the elastik elephant, ami gay and knssid like the hippopotamus or wild sea hoss. Dignity ix often substituted for wisdum, and iz quite often mistaken for it, but thare ix az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between a puter 10 cent piece and a genuine hall dollar. I decided long ago not tew giv enny man kredit for being wize, just bekauze he wouldn't bend Liz back or lati' when ho had a right tew be tickled. Sum ov the most snekce-ssfull phools i hav ever met wero a^ grave ax a kut stone, and most all the truly wixe thai i hav had the honor tew be introduced to, were alwiiss a hunt- ing for a good place tew roll on the grass. Extreme gravity, in mi lexicon, stands for an extreme phooJ, 604 KAiiACTEIl. THE WEAK MAS. A weak man wants just about ax mutch watching az a bad one, and haz dun just about as mutcli damage in the world. He iz every boddy's friend, and tharefore he iz no ones, and what he iz a going tew do next iz az unknown tew him as tew others. He haint got enny more backbone than an angleworm haz, and wiggles in and wiggles out ov every thing. He will talk to-day like a wize man, and to-morrow like a phool, on the same snbjekt. He alwnss sez "Yes," when he should say "No," and staggers thru life like a drunken man. Heaven save us from the weak man, whoze deseptions hav no fraud in them, and whoze friendships are the wusa clesighns he kan hav on us, JOSH BILLINGS HAVING FINISHED HIS BOOK, MEDITATES SUICIDE, BUT IS A LITT1 UNCERTAIN AS TO THE MODE. ...SSSjggSSgu - =22J5*to t III I tollttimm '**""" 000 741 539 1